From e6ca215dbb4a76c8cbe7323c8a6693ce22995925 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: shashank1694 Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2026 20:31:08 +0530 Subject: [PATCH] Added SVM mental health classification implementation --- week4-task-shashank/Combined Data.csv | 94024 ++++++++++++++++++++++++ week4-task-shashank/shashank.ipynb | 485 + week4-task-shashank/week4.pdf | Bin 0 -> 117469 bytes 3 files changed, 94509 insertions(+) create mode 100644 week4-task-shashank/Combined Data.csv create mode 100644 week4-task-shashank/shashank.ipynb create mode 100644 week4-task-shashank/week4.pdf diff --git a/week4-task-shashank/Combined Data.csv b/week4-task-shashank/Combined Data.csv new file mode 100644 index 0000000..42700d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/week4-task-shashank/Combined Data.csv @@ -0,0 +1,94024 @@ +,statement,status +0,oh my gosh,Anxiety +1,"trouble sleeping, confused mind, restless heart. All out of tune",Anxiety +2,"All wrong, back off dear, forward doubt. Stay in a restless and restless place",Anxiety +3,I've shifted my focus to something else but I'm still worried,Anxiety +4,"I'm restless and restless, it's been a month now, boy. What do you mean?",Anxiety +5,"every break, you must be nervous, like something is wrong, but what the heck",Anxiety +6,"I feel scared, anxious, what can I do? And may my family or us be protected :)",Anxiety +7,Have you ever felt nervous but didn't know why?,Anxiety +8,"I haven't slept well for 2 days, it's like I'm restless. why huh :([].",Anxiety +9,"I'm really worried, I want to cry.",Anxiety +10,"always restless every night, even though I don't know why, what's wrong. strange.",Anxiety +11,"I'm confused, I'm not feeling good lately. Every time I want to sleep, I always feel restless",Anxiety +12,"sometimes what is needed when there is a problem is to laugh until you forget that there is a problem, when you remember it, you feel restless like that well, it turns out that I still have a sad burden blah blah blah",Anxiety +13,Because this worry is you.,Anxiety +14,Sometimes it's your own thoughts that make you anxious and afraid to close your eyes until you don't sleep,Anxiety +15,"Every time I wake up, I'm definitely nervous and excited, until when are you going to try ™‚",Anxiety +16,"I can only hope, even though I'm worried if it starts like this....",Anxiety +17,"restive = restless, restless",Anxiety +18,"""No regrets or grudges/angry at things that have passed, and not worrying too much about the future, that's true serenity.""",Anxiety +19,"If the guy is sick, the girl actually feels sick indirectly. He must be feeling restless and restless. :')",Anxiety +20,"I've been the most anxious person before I became the most sincere person, I've also been the most worried person before it all ended",Anxiety +21,Successfully online at 9am. Even sleeping in a state of restlessness what is wrong with me,Anxiety +22,Can't sleep. Just restless by nature,Anxiety +23,Already worried about picking up the phone,Anxiety +24,a little restless. a little restless. always feel guilty. sorry if i can't be the best as i've been :',Anxiety +25,I've been so restless since this morning,Anxiety +26,it makes you feel restless,Anxiety +27,Sleepy but restless when you sleep,Anxiety +28,Why is this cave... I'm already in a bad mood and then my heart seems to be beating really fast... I'm really nervous. Is there something wrong???,Anxiety +29,"He is very busy, He is restless, geez, what's going on?",Anxiety +30,"I'm broken and fragile, I'm hurt, I can't stand the anxiety anymore, I can't stand the love. Until now I was ignored, not seen, even left far away. I'm not like what he wants, so I'll just step back.",Anxiety +31,"# Suggest a song that makes you calm, don't know why suddenly this feeling of anger / restlessness appears. Thanks!",Anxiety +32,Terooosss nervous huuuu,Anxiety +33,why today's heart doesn't feel good..jealous?.anxious?.disappointed?.feeling failed?,Anxiety +34,It's a habit from elementary school if I think about something I'll get worried I can't sleep,Anxiety +35,"Since yesterday yesterday, I have not been in the mood, very sensitive, feeling restless, always surprised and many surprises every day that almost make my brain explode, everyone is the target of ups and downs in mood. But today I feel very grateful that this lecture drama is over.",Anxiety +36,"Tonight he continues to chatter about money, I'm so confused what to do. Once he said don't worry about money, but he kept blabbering about money.",Anxiety +37,Feeling so restless lately.,Anxiety +38,Oh god I'm restless,Anxiety +39,but my heart is still restless even though my mouth is talking,Anxiety +40,"waiting for uncertainty, please be anxious",Anxiety +41,"been the most anxious person, before becoming the most sincere person",Anxiety +42,"Did you ever read it when you read it to RL, I mean the atmosphere, the taste. It's because I'm like this. when I read au, the topic was about mental illness ™ my days became restless....and now I'm scared.",Anxiety +43,"Hi, I want to tell you... Lately I've been feeling restless, have trouble sleeping, I searched on google it says it's a mild symptom of depression, I used to tell my mom a psychologist friend ""don't think too much, it's not important you get depressed easily"" then I frequent irregular breathing.",Anxiety +44,"I've been feeling restless for the past few days, now I'm nauseous, like someone...",Anxiety +45,"Oh no I'm restless. The time will come. I walk with Jesus. Then my heart is calm.. Every time I sing a song I don't know, tomorrow in this section I always want to cry . Because I sing it but I don't do it . Sorry God I worry too much ️",Anxiety +46,Controlling anxiety is not as easy as it sounds.,Anxiety +47,"Since the pandemic, I haven't opened my laptop for a day, I feel restless, I have a very heavy life load",Anxiety +48,People who are restless and afraid can be seen from the frequent touching of the face and ringing the fingers.,Anxiety +49,"I don't know if my mind breaks down, but I don't want to think about it :( , why do I feel restless?",Anxiety +50,Sensitive feelings make the heart restless.,Anxiety +51,"Let's not be nervous, how about ™‚",Anxiety +52,"after being confessed, I'm really nervous",Anxiety +53,Restless.. and.. restless..,Anxiety +54,"This is the first time I've had an anxiety disorder in my sleep, and it wasn't really good. Even though I'm not thinking about anything, but I'm restless",Anxiety +55,It's been a week I feel restless and my head feels full I want to rest while I sleep,Anxiety +56,why am i nervous,Anxiety +57,"Anxious, all afraid, afraid of war, afraid of economic crisis, afraid of air pollution, disease outbreaks, clean water, etc. When are you happy?",Anxiety +58,oh my god why are you so nervous,Anxiety +59,feelings of restlessness have started to appear ±,Anxiety +60,Very restless bgsd,Anxiety +61,"The days are full of restlessness, with income that doesn't know the direction..Hopefully we can always get what we need and be given the advantage for a desire...5 - 5 - 21",Anxiety +62,1 hour wake up 1 hour wake up ngde the restless is here kle cak after polishing dwg,Anxiety +63,"Lately everything has been all of a sudden, suddenly happy, suddenly sad, suddenly anxious, suddenly relaxed, suddenly excited, suddenly lethargic, etc. I really don't like everything that is impromptu, yes, but what can I do? Ha ha ha",Anxiety +64,"I'm so sorry, but can you give me words of encouragement or not? I'm really worried that I can't make my kids happy.",Anxiety +65,"I don't like worrying, I don't like wehhh!",Anxiety +66,"Behind your online, there is a heart that is anxiously waiting to hear from you",Anxiety +67,nervous restless peramoy,Anxiety +68,I'm nervous I don't know why. I don't feel calm,Anxiety +69,"Sometimes I can't even rest. Always worried, worried about this, even though I'm tired",Anxiety +70,It feels uneasy.,Anxiety +71,"I'm so restless, I don't know why",Anxiety +72,"Day by day, that hope grows, the closer I feel, the more I expect from you, and sometimes I get anxious because of it. To the point that I became worried, worried that it would disturb my hopes. Especially disturbing km.",Anxiety +73,"Urmi has a fever, I'm already sad and restless.. What's more, this little girl has a fever, ha ha ha",Anxiety +74,"How many days have you been feeling restless at night and in the afternoon your mind is empty, why?",Anxiety +75,"From now on, it's not really good, being restless is tired by nature",Anxiety +76,"I haven't slept yet, and now my head hurts so bad. I'm sleepy, but I can't sleep, I've tried to brake but I'm restless ",Anxiety +77,Too anxious. Too worried. Too scared,Anxiety +78,Restless and agitated.,Anxiety +79,There will always be calm in the midst of restlessness,Anxiety +80,"dismayed = disappointed, anxious",Anxiety +81,This is why my heart is beating so fast. Very restless. But I don't know what I'm worried about. It's a great feeling.....,Anxiety +82,"More restless. Hopefully those who are there are okay.... Oh Allah protect him..... Amen, robbal alamin",Anxiety +83,"If my friends have replied to my tweet that has an opinion, I'm worried",Anxiety +84,"I'm hungry, weak, lethargic, restless.",Anxiety +85,Sudden restlessness. Why are you..,Anxiety +86,"Sleeps 3 hours, rest restless. Try a variety of positions and ways never fall asleep. I really need to be able to control this mind.",Anxiety +87,"STOP I'M GAMAU ANXIETY, GUNDAH GULANA AGAIN",Anxiety +88,Anxious,Anxiety +89,It's so restless work,Anxiety +90,"Is there anyone who, when sick, can't sleep well, but sleeps restlessly?",Anxiety +91,Please worry until you want to cry,Anxiety +92,"Exam on Saturday. Saturday's Starting Presentation..On Going: CT.Place CSE Dept. .Assignments….AND UNTIL NOW CLEAR CATIA TRAINING 2 PRODUCTS HAHAHAHA.. awesome, still in sleep mode, but I'm nervous, haha",Anxiety +93,"I'm nervous, when you come change anxiety and become anxious, I'm more worried. Tomorrow I will try to live without news from you again, quickly go away from my insincerity.",Anxiety +94,"How worried am I? *asked my other self. Until it was sent, sustenance had a good friend. Moved",Anxiety +95,Restless due to imagining too long and high until lazy to sleep.,Anxiety +96,"It's like something's up, something's weird, but I don't know what, it feels so restless.",Anxiety +97,"""No regrets or grudges/angry at things that have passed, and not worrying too much about the future, that's true serenity.""",Anxiety +98,"For God's sake, I'm so tired of worrying.",Anxiety +99,"For 3 years comfortable with this condition, anxiously wondering if a few days later everything will change? I don't know, another crisis of confidence",Anxiety +100,Feeling a little anxious today.,Anxiety +101,"Not regretting or holding grudges/angry at things that have passed, and not worrying too much about the future, that's true serenity",Anxiety +102,"Please be anxious , it must continue like this.",Anxiety +103,"Hmm, I don't know what to do, but I'm nervous",Anxiety +104,Very restless can't sleep ™,Anxiety +105,"I'm sad because I can't produce anything but I like to complain every day because I'm tired of taking care of children I see the body is getting bigger, yes I am getting more and more restless",Anxiety +106,"Every time after sunset, why must this heart be restless as if it can't accept the situation. But with this situation, you can't do anything, if you do it, it can only make things worse",Anxiety +107,Why are you restless and restless yo ”,Anxiety +108,I'm so nervous about what to do,Anxiety +109,"tbtb restless, tf is wrong with meh?",Anxiety +110,"I swear I can't sleep...sleep anyway, but I don't sleep...so restless..",Anxiety +111,"Why does it seem like tonight I'm restless, sad like I want to cry but I don't know what to be sad about",Anxiety +112,why so nervous? what is certain is not because thr is without tukin. ..but it's all because of you,Anxiety +113,The script is harmless. But continuing anxiety because the thesis is not finished can be dangerous for the heart.,Anxiety +114,can't you not disturb people's lives? until I'm anxious and can't sleep,Anxiety +115,"how do you keep it calm, original tbtb is excited and then you're sweaty or nervous """,Anxiety +116,And again suddenly feeling nervous and anxious without knowing why :(.,Anxiety +117,"I'm not feeling very good this morning, I'm really worried ”",Anxiety +118,"If you are restless & restless, just complain to your RABB and read the Qur'an so that the heart becomes cool and reduce cynicism towards others #bowochallenge #iwartabowochallenge",Anxiety +119,controlling excessive anxiety,Anxiety +120,"When you hear the song, your heart becomes calm and when you hear the Koran, your heart becomes tense and restless.. it's a sign that your heart is hit by CORONA BLOOD.. you need to think about it.. because life is not a game.",Anxiety +121,restless restlessness haunts self,Anxiety +122,"The peak period of my stress has passed and I am only noisy now. After going out with my friends yesterday, that makes me feel kinda better. At first I was afraid and anxious to go out, yes, because anxiety is still active. But well I hope I'll gain some weight after this storm, bismillaah",Anxiety +123,I'm most worried when my mom is sick.,Anxiety +124,don't worry yet :),Anxiety +125,"""Yesterday, I was worried half to death, now my wife is aware of being stiff again... how about that?""",Anxiety +126,The last time I felt this nervous was on Wednesday. When he found out his mother died. I hope this isn't a sign anymore,Anxiety +127,I don't know how many years it took me to jump in until I could feel the descent without worrying ²,Anxiety +128,"I want to ask, have you ever been worried about the things you like? Even because you really like it, you feel like it's a part of your life. But every time you do or remember it you get worried. What do you think you should do? :(",Anxiety +129,"However, every time I picket, I'm always nervous: ""Even though I'm just a picket, I'm really scared, I'm excited:""",Anxiety +130,BY GOD I'M STILL WORRY.,Anxiety +131,"time goes on..days go on..at the same time my heart is getting restless and hurt...oh Allah I know you are testing me with this patience, and you are testing me with everything that happens..forgive me who is starting to weaken and lose enthusiasm for keep fighting and survive...",Anxiety +132,I want to exhale the restlessness in my chest with my breath,Anxiety +133,Why every morning I want to sleep I'm restless ,Anxiety +134,"Anxious alone, sad alone, not having peace",Anxiety +135,"What's wrong I'm worried, oh I hope it's okay",Anxiety +136,"I really like this, I'm nervous about things I'm not sure about, I don't know why but I feel really nervous. WEIRD.",Anxiety +137,"I'm so nervous, why?",Anxiety +138,but my heart is still restless even though my mouth is talking,Anxiety +139,Since then I was restless to the point of choking. What's wrong?,Anxiety +140,"Starting to worry again if you have a lot of schedules, even though yesterday it was neatly arranged. How come biso missed ouch :')",Anxiety +141,"Adf-my does anyone know why I am here? I've been feeling restless since yesterday, like worrying/worrying too much, suddenly feeling sad, just scared. But I also don't know why",Anxiety +142,"Gegana, restless, speechless, I don't know what the cause is:""",Anxiety +143,I'm lazy.. I'm so nervous,Anxiety +144,Happy but also worried.,Anxiety +145,It's anxious to worry,Anxiety +146,"Honestly, I'm really nervous",Anxiety +147,"Here from now on, my heart is restless",Anxiety +148,"Later when you are tired of the new one, and then you look back and feel guilty for me, don't be a bit nervous. Trust me, I have forgiven you. Even though I will never accept you again.",Anxiety +149,"I need adit not for stalking or for strange things because I myself have started to learn not to stalk just because I'm afraid that mental disorders will get worse even though I still feel anxious and afraid if I don't stalk, I can hold it so that Adit doesn't feel disturbed",Anxiety +150,Keep restless astagfirullah,Anxiety +151,"I'm excited but I don't know why, there's no reason, I'm nervous, I have a stomach ache but I'm scared, I know I'm tired, this is the third time today, hah — hah :)",Anxiety +152,"Always worried about the future, even though today has not changed.",Anxiety +153,"every time you worry, why is the disease running to your stomach?",Anxiety +154,"If you're nervous looking for the best position before going to sleep, it feels like someone's watching you ™„",Anxiety +155,Restless and agitated,Anxiety +156,"In the evening, towards the morning. A little worried, a lot of longing",Anxiety +157,"Some days, I don't think I'm doing well, so I feel like I'm really crying, scared, anxious, just sad. until I think of this when I cry, does my fast break or not?",Anxiety +158,"It's been a few days when I sleep by default I'm afraid, restless, nervous, feel alone, sometimes my breath is really heavy.....why is that... like I'm afraid of being restless, oh my God",Anxiety +159,"tired of overtingking, tired of worrying too much, tired of being tired",Anxiety +160,aren't you worried? aren't you worried? don't you worry...,Anxiety +161,"Instead of getting calmer, this heart is getting more restless",Anxiety +162,can i tap the dm or not? I'm very nervous thinking,Anxiety +163,Finally restless again uhh mmhhh ahh,Anxiety +164,"No need to run, just walk one by one the stones that are being stepped on slowly and absorb it without feeling anxious and full of emotions",Anxiety +165,"Lately I'm feeling scared & very anxious thinking about the day for tomorrow's work inspector . Honestly, I'm really scared because I'm not very close to friends, I'm afraid I can't, I'm afraid to disappoint, and if I suddenly remember I cry",Anxiety +166,"This is why I can't sleep, I'm so restless...",Anxiety +167,I want to exhale the restlessness in my chest with my breath,Anxiety +168,Restless restlessness accompanies,Anxiety +169,hlt! why do i like to be nervous tbtb keep worrying so much that i sweat,Anxiety +170,"Not many people are sure of their prayers, not many people are faithful to wait with what is prayed for. Prayer is unique, there is hope and feeling, there is worry and anxiety, there is tears and happiness. But the end of the prayer will always be the best for humans.",Anxiety +171,"I wonder why my heart beats like that sometimes for weeks, then it's back to normal for a few weeks, does anyone know why this isn't it? Or maybe I'm often anxious and stressed, okay?",Anxiety +172,"I'm so nervous I swear, the views are getting slower",Anxiety +173,Just woke up feeling restless and sore ™„,Anxiety +174,I'm so worried 5 days of not coming home wey,Anxiety +175,My life is chaos. There is no solution. Fear of the uncertain. Restless direction.,Anxiety +176,UNDERSTANDING FEEL FEELING«,Anxiety +177,I really can't be told to just listen to it for hours. Immediately anxious innate.,Anxiety +178,I haven't given up… just a little restless.,Anxiety +179,Actually I'm worried. The original looks really scared. I've come to play/bite my nails :(,Anxiety +180,"If I'm honest, I've been nervous since that day even though I said it wasn't....",Anxiety +181,"Lately, I've been feeling restless and restless. Haihh",Anxiety +182,"I'm so nervous, why isn't it?",Anxiety +183,"The default bat is restless, I don't know why",Anxiety +184,you know you're restless,Anxiety +185,"Restless,. Locked in all motion. Whipped in the brain noisy debate about decisions. Make friends with fear and risk",Anxiety +186,"Wow, I'm getting restless, let's sleep",Anxiety +187,"I swear I'm so nervous, why don't you",Anxiety +188,"I was a little worried that the afternoon class would actually be able to reach the target. But God just gave a way, wednesday class was moved even though it was a quiz. At least later in the morning you can make out with data until iftar",Anxiety +189,"–¤ When you're anxious or nervous, do you feel like your heart feels weird, doesn't it? Is it just me?",Anxiety +190,"Come on, come on, let's go... 10 years could be passed before, it's not even a month yet, I'm already restless",Anxiety +191,"Time is slow for those who wait, too long for those who are restless, and too short for those who are happy",Anxiety +192,"Restless, restless, become one. Can't agree. Can't even sleep",Anxiety +193,"May May be accompanied by good news. The injured, get well soon. Sorrow turns to love. Quieter anxiety. And prayers that are more patient...#senjamu",Anxiety +194,"Since then, the chicken cake has been restless and wants to lay eggs.",Anxiety +195,Do not compare yourself to others. Envy only makes restless soul. Be yourself.,Anxiety +196,"The 5 dream ones were moved to a new unit, so why isn't the Anjrit so worried?",Anxiety +197,"finished for the heart's intention to watch the series, I even thought about it. I'm worried",Anxiety +198,"""No regrets or grudges/angry at things that have passed, and don't put too much anxiety over the record period #COYS",Anxiety +199,"Usually, if you're restless for a long time, surely after that something will happen or not",Anxiety +200,"Have you ever thought of something and then immediately forgot it then thought you were thinking about this bastard, I don't remember it, so I was restless",Anxiety +201,"Dialogue in the morning.. to yourself, restless and restless accompanying it, hoping someone will understand-",Anxiety +202,I'm the only one who's nervous.,Anxiety +203,I'm starting to worry,Anxiety +204,"In my father's family, everyone is smart, I'm sure the expectations for me are also high it makes me very anxious to think about this huhu",Anxiety +205,"Already complete. Disappointed with a broken heart. Produces a sense of restlessness. I don't know, hopefully all of this ends beautifully",Anxiety +206,"when your bipolar relapse welcome shortness of breath, tremors, anxiety, fear, selfharm etc",Anxiety +207,"How come lately I'm not feeling well, like mellow, not calm, restless",Anxiety +208,"When you think about it and don't finish it, it feels really restless",Anxiety +209,I'm worried.. I'm in a bad mood.. but excited to see law school..,Anxiety +210,"Yes, what will happen later :'), I'm worried that I can control my emotions",Anxiety +211,"I'm really nervous about choosing between boring or chilling, PLEASE",Anxiety +212,"oh my god why have you been a week, you're so nervous, it's really bad aaa",Anxiety +213,"people seem calm, happy like there's no problem because only one smile we throw out but sad, restless and anxious millions of which we keep to ourselves, only we know.",Anxiety +214,"In the past, if you knew there were people who didn't like me, you would immediately be worried, sad, find out why someone didn't like you.",Anxiety +215,"Fearful. Often experiences feelings of extreme worry, sadness, or anxiety.",Anxiety +216,"crazy, why are you nervous? *plays yo-yo*",Anxiety +217,"a lot of work tomorrow a suddenly meeting, stomach acid rises, dizziness, can't sleep, restless. what should i do",Anxiety +218,"Unsettled !! That's when there is a test. But face it and get over it. It's been like that since the school days, the present can't be done like that. It could be",Anxiety +219,"Panic, don't know what to panic about. Restless alone, think too",Anxiety +220,"I can't stop, my nutmeg pops up eyes that I have to look at when I'm anxious",Anxiety +221,"I'm really scared, nervous every day…",Anxiety +222,how do you stay calm so nervous after reading this.,Anxiety +223,"Strange. I don't have work today and I have a bit of free time so I can read shrill novels but... it feels weird. I've been nervous about checking the google calendar just in case if I read it wrong. But it's still weird, how about this, like you should be looking for a job to get rid of this feeling.",Anxiety +224,Is there something that makes me nervous,Anxiety +225,"I don't know why, after every Eid prayer, I suddenly feel restless, it's not clear in the end, I'm not in the mood for friendship or what people usually do on Eid :(",Anxiety +226,"If you are stuck sleeping at 11am until set 12. If you are more than that, you will be anxious, why are you?”",Anxiety +227,"Have you ever been so nervous, scared, and anxious that you want to throw up?",Anxiety +228,Do not compare yourself to others. Envy only makes restless soul. Be yourself.,Anxiety +229,"When I'm done with this, why do I feel so dizzy.... But I swear I don't want to sleep, I'm really nervous when I'm told to sleep.",Anxiety +230,"I don't know whether to be happy or sad. And don't know how long this feeling will last? I'm the one who feels it just great every day coy.. confused about my own feelings. Sllu not calm, restless. But, just give up.. there is God. My son, yes.. Shaina can.",Anxiety +231,"I just want to pass, there are so many obstacles « I'm so tired guyssss I want to rest for a while but I can't seem nervou",Anxiety +232,"It's true that social media is fun, you have to look for health, if it only makes you nervous, what do you do",Anxiety +233,"Starting to get restless...Others have started praying Isha, I'm not solemn, the cat is getting closer...Finally canceled the prayer to get rid of the cat",Anxiety +234,What do you do when you're anxious when you're anxious? i used to write something every time i have a lot of thoughts or worry about things that are not sure... but now... idk what to do > MekelSungg << bruakakakakakak :v,Normal +1347,Bai now,Normal +1348,Want a mountain of tasks for Eid :),Normal +1349,punyetaaaaaaa,Normal +1350,"When you want to finish studying, you want to start a new life again",Normal +1351,keep promoting even though no one buys #semangat,Normal +1352,Emthan el ict baad kam sa3a still adra asada',Normal +1353,in the morning already made emotional â,Normal +1354,I cry hearing it,Normal +1355,why can't your eyes be so empty,Normal +1356,danganronpa,Normal +1357,"Sometimes we are very good at advising or judging others, but not for ourselves.",Normal +1358,no me creo lo d yp,Normal +1359,"10. Especially for this month the Cheapest Netfix Account Promo is only 15K, ordering info can directly DM or check Pined for more information.",Normal +1360,"Please PRU15 later UMNO slaves don't forget the memories that you are part of this #Kingdom of Failure. A little responsible. Anyway, thanks go to UMNO, PAS and BERSATU who have saved PH Mahathir's reputation with this #KearajaanGagal combination",Normal +1361,God take care of him when I'm not beside him,Normal +1362,"No matter how difficult your journey is, always remember God, so that your safety is always maintained.",Normal +1363,"""It is forbidden for Muslims to break friendship for more than 3 days, and it is the best who greets first."" (Narrated by Bukhari and Muslim) Ramadan Increases Piety."" ±ï¸ '¡. #C62Gu",Normal +1364,Hadeh 5 days the goods at jnt are the same as the fast stay wkwkwk,Normal +1365,start your morning with a marathon au '˜ðŸ'˜,Normal +1366,"callalos antuna,",Normal +1367,Immediately open the door of your heart to receive His guidance and open your heart to sincerely repent to Him.,Normal +1368,"oh God, I laugh so much when I remember that there was a small child in the mosque near my house, even though I was still singing right before the Maghrib call to prayer :(",Normal +1369,"When Herjunot Ali said....""I've had one chance. I've held on tight and don't want to let go.. butiiiiii when God says 'LEPAS', it will be released"" ‚",Normal +1370,pakyoo!,Normal +1371,When did my brother think?,Normal +1372,"eh, iTunes and Apple Music can't only be used for the iPhone or not? how about it??",Normal +1373,"I regret that yesterday when it rained it didn't stop, instead it broke through the rain at 11 pm",Normal +1374,Modern keko hanginiz ?,Normal +1375,"Finally, I dared to tell my mother that I wasn't with her anymore :""). Why is my mother crying so hard: "" I'm sure my mother knows that I have never played with someone's feelings and know that when her child loves her, she can do anything for that person & now his son's position is being wasted :)",Normal +1376,"You will definitely get the best men, come and pray to God, and improve yourself..-you can do it, goodluck.",Normal +1377,Want to have a lover,Normal +1378,yukari is so nice,Normal +1379,Terrible yall just woke up. The fate of the class is not over anymore,Normal +1380,Burak Ozdemirrr <3,Normal +1381,ngl snakes,Normal +1382,Leoooo!!,Normal +1383,Ryuga really looks like Eza when he was little,Normal +1384,NAOH CULIAOOOO,Normal +1385,It's really hard to find international journals.,Normal +1386,"nctn! taeyong, jaehyun, taeil, mark, jeno collector, try dropping the wl, who knows i'll be there, i'll bang on the dm! + budget yaa",Normal +1387,Oiyaaa vlive at 3 o'clock huh?,Normal +1388,"Hehehe, I heard that many people have arrived in Kelantan, right?",Normal +1389,Lombok's bureaucracy is very fast. Usually long and slow but this wasn't,Normal +1390,Are you a liberal activist?,Normal +1391,new dog,Normal +1392,"before the hot sauce mv comes out, let's be mutual nctzen & wayzenni only yaa. help rt/like, thx before",Normal +1393,wake up i keep on duty,Normal +1394,I choose to love you in silence not because I'm a loser. Isn't the more lasting love the quiet love?,Normal +1395,Yatuan wants to meet Ryan,Normal +1396,Why are the eyes blurry?,Normal +1397,Disadvantage – no winning hand/lots of work/choking,Normal +1398,Who is megawati talking about? Does he know what he's talking about on twitter hehe,Normal +1399,"Hihiks, today is the last day of work",Normal +1400,"Do you think that if Corona is over, then there will be a concert, is it okay to watch it ”",Normal +1401,"OH MY GOD, I'M READY WHEN IT'S STARTING NTAR ANGST",Normal +1402,"I'm happy to have a comeback, not because I bought the album. But there's a lot of content, it's really full, mah🥺â",Normal +1403,"if it's really classic vinyl, I've never had one",Normal +1404,"Promise in the evening to pay. Yes udin, I'm waiting. Just be careful if bhng! ️",Normal +1405,"Tired, every time you fall in love, you meet a virtual one :)",Normal +1406,"hey, is there anything missing? ",Normal +1407,"Dark, light, what dim?",Normal +1408,"I thought it would be easier to gain weight at home, you know it's the same",Normal +1409,"Awareness sometimes comes when regret turns into something very scary, but the departure caused by mistakes is not easy to return.",Normal +1410,Singing pen. Is there anything you want to sing? Album a - z is all heartbroken,Normal +1411,"If you were given a choice when an idol comeback, would you choose the one with the forehead wearing a crop top? or exposed body (abs)?. Which one do you choose? Is there a reason?",Normal +1412,good luck with my presentation ™,Normal +1413,Dead is better.,Normal +1414,"This week, I'm only working for 2 days, wfo is really borne",Normal +1415,I'm so stupid,Normal +1416,why never thought there was a small portable aircond. hihh,Normal +1417,"""Whoever sells with two sales in one transaction, then for him the lowest price or usury."" (HR. Abu Daud & Al-Hakim) Ramadan Increases Piety. ",Normal +1418,My love will still be there for you and stored neatly in this heart even though you are with him.,Normal +1419,"hey, those who like jbjb, let's be moots.. all fandom hehe. help like/rt, thank you â",Normal +1420,What kind of banana do you want to come back at if you have pkp tomorrow ™ƒ,Normal +1421,Bigwin before Eid Bismillah,Normal +1422,There service was good,Normal +1423,want birthday,Normal +1424,Morning guys. Have a productive Monday,Normal +1425,"ML! In your opinion, who is the most worth it starlight skin, guys?",Normal +1426,Is tl alive for dsmp sona art? :D,Normal +1427,Kim Seokjin...,Normal +1428,Hey I'm back,Normal +1429,I miss you,Normal +1430,this chick is so cute,Normal +1431,'™ morning bi! does anyone have au moonbae or not??,Normal +1432,Sorry for being late,Normal +1433,"Hurry up for sahur. where is my water? It's crazy how fast I cook, I want fried rice from the eye egg village†.. it's fun to play with these requests hahahah I'm not a wife yet",Normal +1434,"[bb] If after waxing, what should I wear? or what good?",Normal +1435,joder yoongi te amo granny,Normal +1436,we love ni-ki,Normal +1437,let's talk about this,Normal +1438,it's complicated,Normal +1439,"The closer I get to Eid, the more resigned I am to the exam, I don't know what to answer wkkwwk what's the deal ²ðŸ »",Normal +1440,Helloooooooo 7 hours left,Normal +1441,"Several times the chat doesn't work, ya Allah",Normal +1442,"The right gum is swollen when chewed it hurts a bit. If you chew the left one, the tooth has a hole hshshs really Alhamdulillah",Normal +1443,VERY PROUD OF ME HUHUUDUSUUDUSYS,Normal +1444,Have a blessed Monday,Normal +1445,-imf says he wants to MITM 100M let's stream😩ðŸ'—,Normal +1446,jungkook yeager trending yuuh,Normal +1447,can take the physics quiz before the long holiday uhuy,Normal +1448,want to know my life story? come sit next to me. I will make coffee without sugar :)..-GUAMSS-,Normal +1449,"The medicine for joint pain in Medan's toes is BIO NERVE, which can be obtained at the Medan Bio Nerve Agent. WA 0895-6107-31100",Normal +1450,MANO a yaszou e MT linda pprt,Normal +1451,Gojou se vino en la cara de Getou uwu,Normal +1452,Another military drama ”but I want yan po yue.ðŸ',Normal +1453,oIYAA I PROMISE MYSELF IF YOU GET A UNIV WANT TO BUY THE ALBUM EHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHEHE OTW CO,Normal +1454,I burnumun diki,Normal +1455,kenjaku sai do corpo do getou agora,Normal +1456,What's the problem with him?,Normal +1457,Happy 15th debut anniversary Lee Min Ho oppaâ Lisianthus flower dedicated to minoz,Normal +1458,I think my cat is doing a secret mission. Don't come home from kmrn ©,Normal +1459,i love haknyeon,Normal +1460,"I really want to look like other people, the ones with the twt notifications are accommodated a lot... But I'm a crazy person who doesn't wear it.. I'm afraid there will be mutual reps and then I don't know and end up getting peanuts.. so in the end I can't collect much, that's the note: "")",Normal +1461,"your spirit to support dream's child 'ªðŸ »ðŸ˜‡ he became rich, I became poor too ”",Normal +1462,"Why is my life so much drama like this, I want to laugh but how come it's my life that I laugh at",Normal +1463,goku,Normal +1464,"Why did you enter the 7l trend, not 71. This is the one that misleads who is the bastard",Normal +1465,"When it's quiet, I say thank you for accompanying me, I can't stay long, I have to go I said why in a hurry, it's still raining, he said my task was over, I was confused. part 10",Normal +1466,boast.,Normal +1467,I want to feel the same as my boyfriend. .How does it feel?,Normal +1468,"Come on, does anyone have a tiktok account? if you can use fa",Normal +1469,"Hi, how are you mentally today?",Normal +1470,I want to collect photos of exo jameet,Normal +1471,There is a child as heavy as his father - Bimbo-,Normal +1472,"Tanyarl guys, please give a farewell gift idea for a male boss who wants to move offices",Normal +1473,I feel so damn guilty,Normal +1474,"it's ok, why is it tight for Eid",Normal +1475,Have you ever been in the third person? How does it feel? Sick? Oh really!,Normal +1476,pedri is love <3,Normal +1477,Why did I move to Bogor when I was approached by Bekasi children?,Normal +1478,"I want to lungo, grandma, sing atis atis",Normal +1479,I love you ,Normal +1480,"Jessica starred in the musical ""Legally Blonde"" as Elle Woods, the female lead in the drama",Normal +1481,"AAAAA, apparently the aqua lightening skin contains silicone, so if I apply it again, it makes my face white, it doesn't absorb so it's like whitecast doesn't go away",Normal +1482,"lm..come on, those who have big accounts offer to look for it again. drop specs and account conditions yaðŸ™",Normal +1483,"Willing to let himself get hurt because of waiting, for your success",Normal +1484,"hi patient, have a good day, frandaaa <3",Normal +1485,missed a lot of info already,Normal +1486,"it's useless to install and move, but the acc is not added",Normal +1487,lm â nit who can cv from d-ana to pay-pal. the same as taking care of payments on the patreon. because I don't know t___t,Normal +1488,"My children were given a no limit theme, why are there other bg covers there are a lot of good songs if you don't make new songs ”«",Normal +1489,I love you mom,Normal +1490,teuask~ does anyone still sell the album ch1-2 seal the 1st press or not?,Normal +1491,You are my love,Normal +1492,"Tanyarl. Guys, can you give a recommendation for a blurry ig filter or not, it's the same as an aesthetic one. Thank you",Normal +1493,"Don't flop pls. Nctzen & wayzenni, let's be mutual, if you can help rt/like it. Thanks!",Normal +1494,"Looking for an herbal acne remedy and get rid of acne fast? Acne soap ""RA"" is his choice and that has definitely been tested. CP : 085702244410",Normal +1495,I'm tired asu,Normal +1496,You are amazing person ,Normal +1497,Ask kpop. Is Junkyu really the same person during survival as the one who debuted? ². How come I don't believe it,Normal +1498,"When you're not fasting, what do you want to eat? :(",Normal +1499,"Oh god, lazy to go to the kitchen",Normal +1500,/beauty/ does anyone use nvtrishe serum or not?? Review dong,Normal +1501,Ct why the hell,Normal +1502,suzie in stranger things is just amazing,Normal +1503,"This doesn't exist, what do you want mutual? Yu can yu",Normal +1504,"Get the best price promo from KLM specifically for E-TAP and TA users, electra, PP to Europe starting from 7.3 million*...Date of Issued : 1 – 14 May 2021 | Date of Travel : 1 May – 28 Feb 2022.. For details, please call 021-27535388 or email to electra@sabretn.co.id",Normal +1505,Later in the evening huh??,Normal +1506,"There is no such thing as aid, there is the right of the people.🔥",Normal +1507,Are you on holiday?,Normal +1508,"Asked about the task of the attached club, O Allah :)",Normal +1509,"I'm sorry, guys, I didn't help drop the template, I've already helped you with the link. but if you want to drop the template here, ok~ lia wants to rest first, yes, it's still early but after taking the medicine, so I want to rest first.. here, drop the tmplt brother, if you want",Normal +1510,Account test,Normal +1511,"Ask, guys, do you recommend games about cars that are fun, if you can go offline, thank you",Normal +1512,"If you're not at home, is it time for me to make ice milk?",Normal +1513,"Oh Allah, the trending 71 million seller. Amen, the next CB is that much amen",Normal +1514,fwb. What's more sad about today's room? M24 dom jkt,Normal +1515,"may i know the last eps aot in the anime, how many vols/chapters is it in the comics?",Normal +1516,-my6 haruu drop a photo of jae which you think is really cute £ again swinging to dowoon want to try to go back to jae huhu –,Normal +1517,how come my heart hurts lol,Normal +1518,"the video where the wife died due to covid, it's so sad, we're scared ©",Normal +1519,open the boom,Normal +1520,How to check people who don't follow us on Zee! How are you Peto?,Normal +1521,"It's been very cold since last night, luckily the chat room is warm.",Normal +1522,"-idm, let's all absent, diligently check the showbanned, don't forget, healthy, healthy twitter, if you vote hastag don't forget to say at least 3-5 words so you are not prone to getting banned, cheers",Normal +1523,na! how much is the market for the pisi mark cherry bomb?,Normal +1524,Do you think jaemin will update again or not?,Normal +1525,"BOSS! F2x wants HS sm M28+, does anyone want it, dom jkt",Normal +1526,maradona <3,Normal +1527,"/beauty/ guys, what do you usually drink or exercise when you are late? If you lose weight, does it affect your menstrual cycle or not? I'm more than a week late and it's even more stressful",Normal +1528,how much is it?,Normal +1529,"ttf! PC is made of doff, right?",Normal +1530,"pls don't floop˜£. want to find armyzen friends who like jbjb, come on other fandoms too! mutual yu? help rt/like thanks <3!",Normal +1531,When will the one with the account wake up,Normal +1532,"Gais sorry sorry, I should be silent. But I reply when there is a trigger.",Normal +1533,[hbl] MV txt that makes you mind blowing?,Normal +1534,FWB! Is there any f this Eid season in Bali? let's get in touch.. M 183/70,Normal +1535,"Excited....Last day of work coincides with iftar event..Alhamdulillah we will get money again, then holiday..yey",Normal +1536,"let's mutual! all fandom , like/rt ya tysm ^^",Normal +1537,"* What kind of anime jpf is very emotional, eh esmonic, emotional, emotional. EMOTIONAL!!!!",Normal +1538,"""Bribing in legal matters is kufr."" (HR. Ath-Thabrani and Ar-Rabii') #RamadhanMonth of Struggle.ðŸ'¯. #l547b",Normal +1539,,Normal +1540,I can't tell the difference between the truth and the lie,Normal +1541,uy What's sad about going to the room today? M24 dom jkt. Bills on me,Normal +1542,bye,Normal +1543,"Tea! Circlet for healers is it better for healing bonuses or according to the character, for example HP% or atk%? Has anyone tried the difference?",Normal +1544,"Good morning army!! Want to remind about voting later, don't forget to follow @.btsvotingorg so you don't miss any info about voting and when to start voting. there's also a time starting at v0te when to minimize the same questions in the base. if there is mutual (cont..)",Normal +1545,I'm hungry sis,Normal +1546,"[thaitea] Raikantopeni pussom tiwi ayuk kenpai , ani pai , sieng , renenghai , pussom tiwi ayuk to sepsanpi, puchon raka neknam",Normal +1547,sleepy pol,Normal +1548,thank god,Normal +1549,I want to do BJ,Normal +1550,Where are my glasses?,Normal +1551,yeuaipiiiiii,Normal +1552,let's prepare mentally,Normal +1553,"Beyb, what's the difference between a special verif and a verif? I want to try it. TIA! ♡",Normal +1554,can anyone fix the account or not? huhuhu pleaseðŸ˜,Normal +1555,can't go to Eid prayer again huft,Normal +1556,ihhh gile if the co album itself from ktown is very expensive the shipping is gone. total shopping w 19.21 USD trs shipping is 20.07 USD.,Normal +1557,remember me and bananas imagining levi being a policeman at the homecoming guard post and hanging on reckless... in the end they got into a fight...,Normal +1558,i love ni-ki,Normal +1559,"0822-3060-4598, Benhut Blue Polos T-shirt, Blue Polos T-shirt Front and Back #kaospolos #kaosgildan",Normal +1560,"Be patient, tick :') remember, the installment hasn't been paid off yet.",Normal +1561,"Dreamies nunna is so proud of you guys, it's not in vain, I waited 5 years to get my 1st full album and then it's 7 dreams. You all deserve this. Thanks for our dreamzen fellas",Normal +1562,Monday's turn feels like Sunday,Normal +1563,THANKS TO CRES FOR PAIDING MY WL PC,Normal +1564,telepathy???????,Normal +1565,Alhamdulillah for our parents,Normal +1566,"""I'm proud to be married to you."" I said when I was expecting Koco",Normal +1567,"It's Mother's Day but I'm in pain from noon to night. I massaged at the new place, after that, I went to buy stuff and I got dizzy and dizzy for more than 2 hours. Until the house is brave, don't cook to open it. Pstu Hbs Isha, Tuam Ais' husband at 4 places who is crazy sick. skit relief. But still sick",Normal +1568,Hi! Text me,Normal +1569,why are my friends bored with life,Normal +1570,"-rek, please recommend a boarding house in the lontar area, if there is a price, yes. looking for it at mamikos is not comfortable, ehehe, thank you",Normal +1571,prayer circle that doesn't have a circle: may malia be able to beyyak,Normal +1572,Looks like I'm sorry on here....,Normal +1573,"monma sorry sas, now my type of flat guy is kang doojoon",Normal +1574,Angry angry then has a surprised mother,Normal +1575,Yoopo how to get rid of this sleep yaopoooo,Normal +1576,I want to make a fa.. but I'm afraid I won't take care of it ”,Normal +1577,"Don't explain yourself to anyone, because those who like you don't need that. And those who hate you don't believe it. ..[Ali bin Abi Talib]",Normal +1578,"It's even more difficult to make people go out on a date and keep flirting, gosh, the author is single and never fucks T__T",Normal +1579,Confused between defecating or sleeping,Normal +1580,"It's really quiet, isn't it '€. Is my Moots on Pulkam?",Normal +1581,HIS BD CARD KANON IS CUTE HSHSHSHS SAD NO FREE STAR,Normal +1582,"What's trending is wrong or not, because it's the letter i, not the number 1ðŸ˜",Normal +1583,what are you doing skks,Normal +1584,"Place: 12:34:57, 13.75C.",Normal +1585,Wake up dehydrated and drink immediately,Normal +1586,Where's the tiktok context?,Normal +1587,"those who don't use fb, their ass is tight",Normal +1588,"Whoever does not love then he will not be blessed..―HR. Bukhari no. 5997 and Muslim no. 2318.. Indeed, whoever does not love then he will not be loved..―HR. Bukhari: 5554 & Muslim: 4282.â Hadith Sahih",Normal +1589,"Let's go crazy together when mv dream is released, zimzalabim calls all nctzen wayzenni reveluv smstann let's have a good time! Unflop pleaseee help rt+like yaa tysm",Normal +1590,So far taxi drivers >>> mouse,Normal +1591,First time rt art objects but never mind,Normal +1592,for the sake of apaziii I don't take a day off,Normal +1593,Want to be free k mn2?? ..Try to disguise yourself as a foreigner..Wkwkwkwkwk,Normal +1594,"28 Ramadan 1442 H. There is still time for us to carry out zakat fitrah. For those who want to make payments, they can come to the official counter or make payments online",Normal +1595,Why are you opening the cupboard... it's not very polite,Normal +1596,I want to buy goods without having to look at the price tag first!,Normal +1597,"misbehavior, son e sopo to me jan jane",Normal +1598,I want to be fast but there are obstacles.,Normal +1599,miss hyunjehshsshshshh,Normal +1600,"I didn't make cakes at all, I just bought some snacks that my husband and I liked, the rest was sent by my mom and mba2. Don't make cake, don't make it a burden, can't make cake, don't be a thought. Just enjoy life.",Normal +1601,Lost track.. maybe he's tired…,Normal +1602,Almost forgot tomorrow there will be an ethnic midterm ¡,Normal +1603,so the name means “scarecrow on farmland.“â€,Normal +1604,death is puki ayyyy,Normal +1605,break dance dos jumil no rtk ',Normal +1606,"Shame, gay fudida",Normal +1607,The principle of dp in repayment? Think keri🙂,Normal +1608,"I'm waiting for Mark's aura on tiktok, the theme is divorce. The last time I read it was up to part 6 and damn it, I forgot to follow anjir account. look in the like section, it's also covered with other videos astagfirullah",Normal +1609,Memories Panga,Normal +1610,BECAUSE THE LYSN NOTIFIC NEVER ENTERED YESTERDAY ECHAN'S CHAT WAS NEGLECTED,Normal +1611,The pain of body and soul I look back at the story of qabil kushry qabil igam ni Allahuu '€,Normal +1612,"Allah has written in His notebook, Verily My mercy overcomes My wrath. (Sahih Muslim)",Normal +1613,morning ol,Normal +1614,“happy working†eyyy I just feel like getting angry,Normal +1615,only holiday on red date is real,Normal +1616,very proud of dreamies🥺,Normal +1617,Plump wrong level remind yana moving house hahahahahah really embarrassing,Normal +1618,"Because I was asked about the block leave plan, I was really looking at the date and I just noticed that throughout June - October there is a 5-day red date every Tuesday. So in the next 5 months there will be 5 tight Mondays, huwaw",Normal +1619,109 more followers I can SpacesðŸ™,Normal +1620,"I just realized that yesterday I haven't eaten at all all day! Just drinking water with Milo, I'm so busy taking care of my merchandise .. Well, like this, I've always been used to holding back hunger, so it's like fasting/tirakat that wasn't intentional wkwkw",Normal +1621,"dicen que hierva mala nunca, y jyp mmmmm",Normal +1622,"So? No...You said you wanted peace, didn't you? Don't create hope. Don't try, you know in the end you won't be able to.",Normal +1623,It took up to 2 hours,Normal +1624,"already in the shower, booommm",Normal +1625,SetsuYuu supremacy,Normal +1626,Where's my mood?,Normal +1627,Oh Allah! Thanks you a lot,Normal +1628,Alhamdulillaaah. Oh my god I'm so tired wkkw,Normal +1629,"What is the ruling on selling fake goods, lift 10, sell 90?",Normal +1630,I want to go down as much as possible :(,Normal +1631,"Duh, I hope it doesn't get fixed mtk sjjsjd",Normal +1632,Hiks want to watch but whereaaa seezn doesn't want to be friends with me,Normal +1633,"He was directed wrongly, left as he pleased. You bastard!",Normal +1634,Oops I'm so dizzy I want this day to end,Normal +1635,"drop the used ocrp acc, that's healthy. verify all..#zonauang #zonaba",Normal +1636,"""Conspiracy theories are of great interest to those who have trouble understanding a complicated world and don't have the patience for non-dramatic explanations.""",Normal +1637,What the heck is this!,Normal +1638,really canceled qaqa this famous author,Normal +1639,I'm really tired of talking to people who insist but it's wrong,Normal +1640,"Early in the morning, after the duck ride, I want to share this CPO chart, it looks interesting #chart #mbahnasip",Normal +1641,His body is all sore.. Enter the pms time like this. I hope I don't have my period until Eid,Normal +1642,"Have you ever thought about someone because you missed someone, and didn't realize you were crying. Then the next day that person chatted suddenly, how did you react?",Normal +1643,"If you sell the album, you will lose 20% but the condition is still sealed, do you think it will sell? I want to order another album set that has a box, because",Normal +1644,"Is it late? .Ava month, let's be mutual, help like/rt it~~ eomma fb later ^^",Normal +1645,"I want to rest but I'm lazy, but I want to rest but I'm lazy, haha, it's not that bad",Normal +1646,I wanna make you food,Normal +1647,WKWKWKWKWKKK I'M THE LAUGHEST PART OF LAUGHING YAAA,Normal +1648,I don't like fickle men,Normal +1649,"Jazakumullah khairan, LFU, Orphan House. The admin is friendly too. ️",Normal +1650,when will i not sleep?,Normal +1651,my mood playing twt has gone down again,Normal +1652,morning. Has anyone woken up yet?,Normal +1653,Yeayy I have no limit,Normal +1654,As if in pain but not aware,Normal +1655,Ordinary people thought of targets as exhausting burdens. Extraordinary people turn burdens into exciting targets!,Normal +1656,"I'm ugly like this, I've never been in a relationship hehe",Normal +1657,"Seriously crazy.. looking at SG, old friends or new friends are jealous and insecure.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA",Normal +1658,"imagine you want to commit suicide, but you don't want suicide",Normal +1659,Powercauplebrasil,Normal +1660,"A lot of work but planned, it's okay. .A lot of work but no design, that's not good.",Normal +1661,fvvvv i really like jibeom,Normal +1662,"OVERWHELMED!!!!! I want to burst my head, taste",Normal +1663,This year Argentina is hot favorite,Normal +1664,"If you want to buy gasoline, you have money ready in your jacket pocket, when you arrive at the gas station, usually the money is not there, the big ones run away, the small ones don't do good :(",Normal +1665,"I was crying last night before going to bed, random feeling, I don't know why 24 years of life doesn't seem like there's anything to make my parents happy",Normal +1666,One really becomes strong.. when one wants to protect someone precious..(Haku - Naruto),Normal +1667,Just woke up,Normal +1668,"Just keep on blaming me, as if in this relationship you're the only one struggling alone!",Normal +1669,"At the end, please give a room at the tailor to sew your own raya clothes... just flatter him.. aieee I want to ask everyone.... doc, I understand......",Normal +1670,no bath all for sure,Normal +1671,You are only my lover friend,Normal +1672,what time is mv dreamies released?,Normal +1673,long time no online mare HSHSHXHDJAJKABFBWKAKGD,Normal +1674,"Delivery is again overloaded, where the package has not arrived at the drop point.",Normal +1675,still go up,Normal +1676,Poor Bert.,Normal +1677,oh my sad,Normal +1678,We need to love each others,Normal +1679,"The dream is weird. but glad too see you mii. In my dream, I still think you're just smiling, haha, be patient, I have a friend, my cake",Normal +1680,"His name has a new life, I really don't want to ride with my parents or in-laws... let me be independent hehehe",Normal +1681,Egg is good,Normal +1682,We love messi & maradona,Normal +1683,"Minal aidzin walfaidzin, please make it Halalin, don't play with it",Normal +1684,have you had breakfast yet?,Normal +1685,Morning '•. What scorpion partner? Yup that's right he is a scorpion queen °,Normal +1686,"â kebo kebo what makes you tired? No need to answer right away, let's be mutual hayukkk -ava jaemin",Normal +1687,"Seeing the sunny weather this morning after it rained for 4 days, mothers were excited to take out the laundry and take action, after that they smiled with relief looking at the clothesline in the hot sun and ""Let's sunbathe"" don't get vitamin D deficiency the cost of treating covid is ""expensive"" he said ðŸ ❤",Normal +1688,"Alhamdulillah, this year I feel like Eid with my family again",Normal +1689,"I was told by my aunt to persuade her child to enter the department she wanted.... Well, auntie, it didn't work, how about me :(",Normal +1690,"Never met but dream of holding hands, you're stupid ™ƒ",Normal +1691,"I didn't wake up, I was a bit surprised to see the clock I thought it was 8 o'clock, apparently it's still 7 o'clock and ended up dizzy and unsteady ™ƒ. I do have low blood pressure",Normal +1692,"If he doesn't want it, then you don't have to force it",Normal +1693,Kde dil de Warke fol ve utte. Mera naan ta nhi likhya.Kde dil de Warke fol â â,Normal +1694,"if there was a man who said to me like this: ""I'm ready to wait for you until your education is finished"".. sksk how happy my heart is",Normal +1695,morning,Normal +1696,25 years old is still alive! amen,Normal +1697,"""Tired of fighting because of low menstruation"" ..-___-",Normal +1698,Wild boar and siti organization dogs roam a lot,Normal +1699,I'm so happy my son is back,Normal +1700,lrt. astagfirullah geto which is not geto,Normal +1701,"Hurry up today, hurry up the day ends",Normal +1702,jyp hizo el maradona challenge fua un grande,Normal +1703,"Oh my God, can I ask for kula saget or sedela stuff, just as much as it is dinten mboten nopo.",Normal +1704,"In the afternoon, the intention to skip guidance is getting bigger",Normal +1705,beautiful beach in kuta tonight,Normal +1706,good morning my best friend cenahhhhh......ah it's ticklish already....,Normal +1707,"For balance, I will close this afternoon / evening or not tomorrow, my goals are 100 who join because 'Ž",Normal +1708,Sukuna megumi fanart scattered on teel and im not complaining ©,Normal +1709,Tintin,Normal +1710,Moots pray for me that I can finish the au!,Normal +1711,"I'm really sorry, those who feel 08l are below my bub huh",Normal +1712,"{mu} anxiety, stress, selfharm affect your face or not? I'm afraid that skincare is already expensive, why is my face suddenly?",Normal +1713,"A person's mouth is the storehouse of their treasury and their lips are the key, and their teeth are their claws. When someone opens the door of his convenience store, it will be clear to you the good and the bad",Normal +1714,The team is fasting but doesn't have sahur ...,Normal +1715,Late isn't it? .Niki juseyo,Normal +1716,"just after school, I'm so tired «",Normal +1717,come on bismillah.,Normal +1718,Either it's not cool or I don't meet physical standards :),Normal +1719,"I'm really touched that dreamies got to this point thank you all who have supported dreamies, thank you also for the 7 dreams that are still surviving and struggling with sijeuni, ah, I'm touched. Let's make this kambek a success",Normal +1720,I really can't control my emotions,Normal +1721,Just say you want to be thick.. It's amused to read.,Normal +1722,I want to buy Jisung's version of the jewel case but my wallet is screaming and hasn't been filled yet,Normal +1723,AWESOME DREAMIES '–,Normal +1724,deseo pene,Normal +1725,Bgsd I'm ashamed of myself,Normal +1726,Hope all is well,Normal +1727,"This time, just lie down at the camping site until it opens",Normal +1728,"Other people are busy for narrowing, UIA is busy for class.",Normal +1729,"I often get ghosted by people now, so I follow people ghosting haha",Normal +1730,"IT WAS VERY FUN, HEARDING THE LECTURE ABOUT DELIVERY WKWKWKWK MASYAALLAH",Normal +1731,"guys, the right one is 1.71 not 1.7l TRY TO CHECK THE TEMPLETE FIRST",Normal +1732,3 days spend Vicenzo story. The ending is worth itðŸ'¯ are you satisfied or not. Now back to business,Normal +1733,Wow - 10/10,Normal +1734,delicious?,Normal +1735,"If you invite someone to interact and they respond in an unpleasant way, don't immediately swear on something bad, bro. It could be that he's in a bad mood, and you happen to be the one who invites him to interact. If he intends to reply sufficiently, he will reply because you ask a lot of questions. :)",Normal +1736,"[Cm] guys, I'm in smt 6 and I'm an intern, have the privilege to be able to go to s2 starting from smt 7, so I graduated from smt 9 already finished s2. It's time and cost-effective (I don't have any problems with costs). But I'm confused whether to take it or not, as long as master's degree can't be while working, you have to go to full college. Tp (cont)",Normal +1737,"From: your beauty. To: my dear..Open Message:.Thr this beauty of yours is given, because money can be found but a partner like me who really likes to make noise, is angry, and wants to fight is very difficult to get.",Normal +1738,"If there is a young man with an uneasy expression on his face and feelings, it is certain that he might be a student",Normal +1739,"Aduu this Lebaran can't get together again, this year we also don't gather. Oh my goodness, where are you afraid that the virus is getting fiercer, wehh",Normal +1740,How come lalamove is cheap now????,Normal +1741,"Whether it's the jealousy that has been feeling sad for a long time. Or the longing that has been shy for a long time, then?",Normal +1742,"I want to make a cireng, my holiday is very productive",Normal +1743,"Set the iron for raya clothes, mom!",Normal +1744,How do you pin that person's tweet?,Normal +1745,AAAAH SARAH #SPACEMUNDINHO,Normal +1746,Let's just say LDR is a loyalty test,Normal +1747,"I was vaccinated, how did it taste?",Normal +1748,Why am I always good at humiliating myself,Normal +1749,Remember when jangjun admires seungmin ass,Normal +1750,The penis is still early in the morning,Normal +1751,we have to connect to get connected power,Normal +1752,"Just because you see I'm strong enough to handle pain, doesn't mean I deserve to be hurt.",Normal +1753,Ni-ki template dong,Normal +1754,"I swear I'm afraid of baper with Twitter kids, I'm a little doubtful about that",Normal +1755,Women with all their fragility and complexity.,Normal +1756,"good morning bestie, excited for today",Normal +1757,"""The fetus is only 2 months old and has kicked."" . Between you crying and you laughing",Normal +1758,read bio awwwwwww,Normal +1759,Sleepy and not in the mood to work,Normal +1760,debt,Normal +1761,"Hi, I'm opening a special ress..Viu,canva,vsco,lr,netflix,disney,scribd,ytb prem..price is below from other fh..anyone want to join? #zonauang #zonajajan #zonaba",Normal +1762,Kuan's our tp will start now!..ORENCH LANG SAKALAM,Normal +1763,"Actually, it feels really weird in the stomach someone is kicking. Sometimes it's surprising. This is what it feels like to be pregnant Alhamdulillah, I feel pregnant, given fast sustenance by Allah. Although at first I was surprised how come it was already line 2 £",Normal +1764,"Bismillah, a pleasant miracle happened to me today, amen... Because nothing is impossible for YOU O Lord",Normal +1765,Change battery,Normal +1766,All this time I thought mew kissed his shoulder gulf🤣,Normal +1767,sorry @ my family who have heard me falling down feelin up you want it,Normal +1768,Now I just live what's in front of my eyes.... Don't complicate the point,Normal +1769,Yeah babe I will coming and I am excited,Normal +1770,"I'm so tired, aren't you?",Normal +1771,this month i like it i bought it hahaha,Normal +1772,Has anyone rented a core i7 laptop with 16gb ram solo area for personal use for 2 weeks? Do you know what store/are there students who are willing to rent out lptp? I'll dm for details -11fess,Normal +1773,Hope is a good thing may be the best of things and no good thing ever dies,Normal +1774,Aaaaa turn on with guy who is good at cooking ° can you be my husband? Ha ha,Normal +1775,let's clean up first so we can relax later in the afternoon '‹,Normal +1776,Purple has not been used since the green-green merger.,Normal +1777,come back,Normal +1778,Who here has 100% exchanged to Telegram instead of using WhatsApp. Anyone?,Normal +1779,Selfie competition keeps you sleepy ad nd y,Normal +1780,those who have memes are tight for dong,Normal +1781,Oh ho I got scolarship,Normal +1782,"Listening to fengding, even onmic asw",Normal +1783,I don't understand this world.. the old t-shirts are used as crop tops,Normal +1784,OH GOD JONGIN HOW IS IT MORE CUTE BESTIE,Normal +1785,I got GPA 5.00,Normal +1786,"Excuse me, can the green account please tag me? thanks in advance🥺ðŸ'—..#zonauang #zonaba",Normal +1787,"Geology is bad, bro?",Normal +1788,"I'm excited to buy glass from outside the city.. There's a guarantee, but it's still slow when you have to switch goods. Easy safe",Normal +1789,hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wanari hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,Normal +1790,"want to win at the stall, bro",Normal +1791,The most absurd dream for this time,Normal +1792,I'm late pls ouch,Normal +1793,"neng butt vaccine injection by gk jane? ben iso is under arrest, loro ne",Normal +1794,"*Ninja techniques*..At 6:30 .Beta 7 bj gye uth ja, late hojayega ..-Ruthe ho to bs itna kehti . ""Kya hua is just getting tired, lattice ne kuch kaha?, mummy ko ni btayega?"". and your mood get changed ..-Har bimari ka maa ke pass ilaaz hota ..-Emotional Atyachar .Bhaisaab sare kam karwaleti",Normal +1795,I saw it and I wanted to eat myself,Normal +1796,just woke up hehe,Normal +1797,Ninaj technique in life,Normal +1798,"MOOTS DON'T FORGET TO TAP HEART ON VLIVE YAAAAAA, I BEG U",Normal +1799,Ya Allah let our brothers and sisters enjoy the end of Ramadan solemnly and let them welcome Eid Al-Fitr happily... .Show victory on the winning Eid Al-Fitr. #MasjidAlAqsa #SavePalestine,Normal +1800,whatever lahhh lazy to get to know,Normal +1801,"if after this you don't fix the real unit, you're really stupid",Normal +1802,"O Allah, life's toughest trial",Normal +1803,JYO TIESOO?????,Normal +1804,"I'm hungry, I'll eat first, bestie😗",Normal +1805,I don't have any fear and I feel like I just hit the limit yesterday ”🖠»,Normal +1806,"anchor. I dreamed of being in the same dorm as Changbin and Chan. Then I took a very long nap and was dazed. When I woke up, I saw the sky was clear. Then, I intend to go out to vlog. Then I asked Changbin ""it's morning right"" He replied ""yes"".. That's it.. Go out...",Normal +1807,"The main key is being able to survive online lectures, being honest with yourself and having friends to talk to, the point is you can't hold on to problems so you don't feel the stupidest in class, even though a lot of other people also feel the same thing, they just know how to cover it up.",Normal +1808,luckily mom thought I was just commenting with bing ahahahaha °,Normal +1809,"Since yesterday, I wanted to do image work, there's a problem, today I want to print out all the lecture notes. I don't see it right away. It's a bother *** this folio, bro, I want to make a fyp. All the old bendes don't show anymore ughhhhh",Normal +1810,this is the first time I feel like a normal girl,Normal +1811,Uwu uwu i miss dongkyu :(( .Where are you :((,Normal +1812,G-Dragon's childhood friend is Super Junior's Kangin,Normal +1813,Suddenly want blonde hair,Normal +1814,Lucky to have a special voting account,Normal +1815,"having a love triangle relationship between the cave, the bolster, and the mattress feels really comfortable",Normal +1816,really want to go home,Normal +1817,"It's really weird, Toyota Indonesia's marketing director, why don't you want to enter RAV4 because there is a fortuner, wow, what's wrong with these people, don't you understand cars?",Normal +1818,Why do you want wts to use the wtb tag tooðŸ˜',Normal +1819,Good morning everyone! â,Normal +1820,Select.1.2.3.4.5.6.7.1.7.2,Normal +1821,This is the first time facing Pisces. Extro paraaaah.,Normal +1822,just woke up :( good morning mootss🠙,Normal +1823,"It's enough for the THR to be divided, don't worry about your heart, okay?",Normal +1824,new layout from my boyfriend,Normal +1825,It's so lazy,Normal +1826,YEUAIPIIIIII,Normal +1827,Did tika succeed not being tempted by po in this cb...,Normal +1828,ooo teu nyaho that's okay,Normal +1829, anjayy new emoticon,Normal +1830,marie looking for friends lgie,Normal +1831,We are a pair of shoes. Always together can't be together. We die like soulless. Move because of human feet,Normal +1832,"Why did au au renhyuck end, oh God",Normal +1833,ah pota midterm exam na sarap mamatai tho,Normal +1834,watching nano which is s2 hours is ok or not?,Normal +1835,"Just come, let's have sahur, melbu kerjo, take my motorbike, let's take a pill",Normal +1836,hi i just woke up,Normal +1837,"Dreamies, your dreamzens are really cool",Normal +1838,"HAHAHAHAHA joke weh latest runningman. People have to spend a credit card on the member or member they choose, people will forget that if we spend the money card, the card owner will get an SMS",Normal +1839,"Regret of people playing stocks/crypto “yes, I bought it earlier, then I sold it” ALWAYSSS not in the mouth, not in the heart.",Normal +1840,Yo ? True Team.,Normal +1841,"I just woke up, Seventeen want CB??",Normal +1842,"It's really a gabut that's all day long, it's been 2 years of Eid here, let's see, my friend..",Normal +1843,Tomorrow..,Normal +1844,QRT A photo of you being hit by poverty,Normal +1845,How long does the 1 liter strabucks tabe gais last?,Normal +1846,The best way to keep making steps towards success is to always renew DREAMS.,Normal +1847,Sangu river,Normal +1848,Alhamdulillah sustenance °,Normal +1849,Alhamdulillah for everything,Normal +1850,It's worth not buying an airpod pro. But already bought. Huwaaa,Normal +1851,Green day is love,Normal +1852,21 guns is a love,Normal +1853,"It's getting worse and worse, I suddenly feel swelled",Normal +1854,Sleepy,Normal +1855,"The ban on going home is not the same as the ban on going abroad. Except, abroad it is regulated by the country.",Normal +1856,Kek there is something I forgot.. but what......,Normal +1857,"At the age of 25, I am still strong in living my life with all its problems. Thank God",Normal +1858,"For sure, those who sell hampers will be happy because they get orders. Admission fee. Yes, I'll be happy if it's me. Those who receive it will also be happy because they get attention from their family, friends or colleagues. Have fun with it.",Normal +1859,are you on vacation?,Normal +1860,"my college friend wish bday 'happy birthday sir korcam', so remember when KKN was the korcam (district coordinator) haha, miss college",Normal +1861,"I don't know this poor person, people are busy protesting this!!",Normal +1862,what's happier than waking up and seeing dreamies million seller,Normal +1863,We love you tooo,Normal +1864,"myy, does anyone have a list, is it okay to vote on ih3art (no salty yaa) thanks bf!",Normal +1865,These people are very careful,Normal +1866,morning morning mc,Normal +1867,Like you want to fool yourself,Normal +1868,where are you?,Normal +1869,"Come on, just want a drama",Normal +1870,"Keaknya start to need to take health insurance, while still young, right...",Normal +1871,The night is still young and gorgeous,Normal +1872,The important thing is the effort 'œ,Normal +1873,yongi has green hair,Normal +1874,"Until now, I'm still amazed by the efforts of kwiz (and iwiz too) for this PU project...Hopefully there will be good news tomorrow.",Normal +1875,can I bru wake up,Normal +1876,Gopoh deeh . Lost phone ©,Normal +1877,Fasting until comeback ™,Normal +1878,"solo booth, it's better if you all go far away sis",Normal +1879,"pen comment: that's a lot of pretentious effort dr 0, blah blah blah. until now, the work is not clear. But after being bullied by netizens, there are many who are fans of him. later we say boomer, the job is pi en ice...",Normal +1880,Oh very. Tired right.,Normal +1881,Pls comeback after announcement sbm dong,Normal +1882,"The most adorable tele bot, bot just to deliver food, bye already",Normal +1883,I'm really proud of you and dreamies it gives me goosebumps â˜,Normal +1884,"hello help tag this account, this sick account",Normal +1885,"When will I have my own business at home, not working with people now. What's on hold",Normal +1886,keep chasing until you die :),Normal +1887,"Trying to experiment again.. if you deact red account, it will be green or not ”",Normal +1888,"Bismillah, I'm doing an order for 150pcs burgers for tonight, tomorrow 70pcs, Wednesday 100pcs. smooth, good luck amen",Normal +1889,"â are we mutual? Ava, I'm Jeno, just like it",Normal +1890,"Seriously, I'm really sleepy. but i miss him",Normal +1891,JYP MURIO?,Normal +1892,Eh.. When was the last time [BP] came to MAMA?,Normal +1893,"Mas, the bus is really fast, wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood",Normal +1894,Lambert is going back to the gangs to enlist? A little bit,Normal +1895,really cool dreamies 'š,Normal +1896,"I'm sluggish, I don't match or what?",Normal +1897,"ndes. Marina, why does it open the shelves in the afternoon?",Normal +1898,"People who follow me but are non-army, how about they mute my acc . Because how many days I have many RT2 votes, just keep on voting ‚. There must be a lot of spam on people's TL, I'm sorry ™ .#I came to think",Normal +1899,"It's true that dreams of sleeping after dawn are the most random, earlier I dreamed that you were participating in a seblak cooking competition (I don't know why it's been so long) and then we'd like to help vote to collect jelly like voting on the show🥲",Normal +1900,ni-ki baby,Normal +1901,"Happy Mother's Day to my mother, your mother and our future mothers. Eh",Normal +1902,His father moa again..BUTTEREADY ON BBMAS!!!..I vote 'BTS' #Dynamite for ( Son Sung Deuk ) for #FaveChoreography at #iHeartAwards,Normal +1903,"This morning it was a floppy..Want to find a mutual #anitwt for tl. rep this tweet with anything and I'll hit u up. My card is on profile. Help rt/like dong, thx u🥰",Normal +1904,Very bad for tgs adh adh,Normal +1905,"IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF PRAISE YOURSELF, IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO KNOW PEOPLE",Normal +1906,Just buy new tires. 4. :',Normal +1907,awiwit ?_?,Normal +1908,"When the one who leaves gives you 100 reasons to cry, show him that you have 1000 reasons to smile.",Normal +1909,kim minjeong <3,Normal +1910,I'm tired of you disappearing haha ​​tai.,Normal +1911,Finally the eyes can be closed after taking a small sip of insect repellent. night..,Normal +1912,I'm late again even though I'm already online class via chat...... bye.,Normal +1913,"Shuta, our din nabuksan!",Normal +1914,"I hope that with 1.71 million sellers of Dreamies, SM will open their eyes to see the potential of Dreamies and not waste it anymore",Normal +1915,"Have you ever panicked, your friend of the opposite sex has changed his attitude towards you, so he looks at you as a girl, not as a friend of the opposite sex.",Normal +1916,"I want to rename inop first, inopcups looks like necstar gasieeee£ðŸ˜£",Normal +1917,SOMEONE GETS FOLIOOOOO,Normal +1918,"Vlive will close in 2022.....Meanwhile I've secured Vlive W1 since I graduated :) because at that time they said the live account would be deleted, that's why I downloaded all of the neighboring lands. Thank God it's safe. I downloaded all of them :) There's a lot bro",Normal +1919,Thank God.,Normal +1920,Indonesian boys don't have medicine,Normal +1921,online / holiday?,Normal +1922,ni-ki handsome,Normal +1923,Dobby is really cute,Normal +1924,"trends for you, why don't you die, I'm tired of pressing drtd",Normal +1925,"How dare he wear a handbag like that when he rides a motorbike. His handbag isn't even cans. Tens of thousands of se. Rege Cirit Belake. But whatever, good luck & always be careful",Normal +1926,GUYS 1.71 NOT 1.7l,Normal +1927,"lrt look at the team, how many pts can you get once you play :)",Normal +1928,"No need to show off about the existing reality. Later, when the harsh reality hits, you will know the feeling. I'm afraid no one will help. Because you were arrogant in the beginning and without realizing it, you hurt people you didn't know who they were.",Normal +1929,ni-ki best boy,Normal +1930,really dizzy,Normal +1931,"bfgfess! .(trusted) Hi, who's fc for gf do you want to see? If it's oot, I'll delete it later ;)",Normal +1932,How many years did I get this year?,Normal +1933,"May 10th, whose birthday is it, I don't remember, I still don't remember. It turns out that my father's birthday is dewe [my mother is the one who remembers]",Normal +1934,"Even when I was on school leave, I didn't ask, it wasn't a mess. I'll ask the person working and look for it using previous data. Mai tang me. A little bit to report. Okay, don't go on vacation. Even my leave got messed up.",Normal +1935,it's on A3! the jp server doesn't watch commercials to get what gems,Normal +1936,honestly i'm not really interested in bdc era pc :< WHAT I INCER EVEN DOWN ANJR VER HAHAHA but still buy hype album yh,Normal +1937,"Friends are those who understand, trust, share, and forgive each other. Those who are always faithful through good times and bad.",Normal +1938,gosh the hospital playlist song sung by bongbom,Normal +1939,"Scriptsweet is individual, yea. Does anyone have a script gang? It's like complaining, asking questions, sempro/trial sessions together, simulations. The one from the beginning of the idea to the end of the graduation. Is it important not to have gangs / minimum thesis circles in class? [cm]",Normal +1940,hey it's not official right? June or not,Normal +1941,"half a million to buy comics, it's like getting scolded",Normal +1942,"Dream of watching Wonpil's musical but live, piri is really there.",Normal +1943,"zoo, can df or1 c4t be eaten with a kitten that is a few months old? Because my cats are 2 adults, 2 kittens. Thank you for wanting to answer",Normal +1944,Changkyun is actually a cat,Normal +1945,"igi boyeahhh for a while, I haven't taken a shower on fb yet",Normal +1946,mark wp the title is crusher don't read the sequel ™,Normal +1947,"THERE ARE NO PRINCIPLES PEOPLE ASK FOR DONATIONS but press the doorbell 5 times!!!! Orphanage people are asking for donations. it is said that my father is not at home all the time! I know I'm very sensitive to the doorbell, I'm still sleeping and dreaming I'm jumping, I KNOW HIM. I'm waiting for you to pick up the package!!!!",Normal +1948,"Yes, you are the most communist manifesto already",Normal +1949,"still admire, even though it doesn't have the potential to have.",Normal +1950,The kite has flown. Wait pigeons come reply,Normal +1951,Can you wash it?,Normal +1952,HBD AMO,Normal +1953,"I've gained weight I thought I was fat, it's you in my heart :)",Normal +1954,I can't sleep when my nose is stuffy,Normal +1955,"Before shooting, fill in the quiver first (Before speaking, fill in the knowledge first).",Normal +1956,In the morning the smell of praying,Normal +1957,"Willing to let himself get hurt because of waiting, for your success",Normal +1958,"/ ss wta how much is the market price for the PC per era, huh? I'm a buyer",Normal +1959,imagine at this hour already have to discuss with people,Normal +1960,A person will be with the person he loves. And you will be with the people you love.,Normal +1961,"Ok. Today, I've seen the number 131 several times. So, Hanbin, what update do you want today?",Normal +1962,I still can't believe that my wishlist for a yellow car has come true,Normal +1963,HI I am here to communicate with you,Normal +1964,"When defeat hits you, don't let it stop you. There is meaning in every problem, adult is one of them.",Normal +1965,tk use plz you if you js gtg,Normal +1966,Visit Showroom PT. Nusantara Jaya Sentosa at NJS AHMAD YANI : Jl. Ahmad Yani no. 259 / 022-7101655 #njs #njscenter #suzukibdg #suzukibandung #nusantarajayasentosa #suzuki #mobil #njsbdg #mobilbdg,Normal +1967,"No need to prove anything, thats enough for mee.",Normal +1968,ooooo so this is skincare an medicine,Normal +1969,"Moots, I want to ask, do you know me, don't you?",Normal +1970,"The funny thing is, it's the wrong thing, even I was blocked by her contact. Hehe",Normal +1971,what game is cool at this hour,Normal +1972,"read ppt for half an hour, read au for an hour......",Normal +1973,"if this is wfh sleeping in noni's room, why is it better than your own room hahaha",Normal +1974,Hopefully Renjun will update at night so I don't miss it,Normal +1975,"There is a feeling of wanting to be able to bring a pickup so that if you buy a lot, you don't go back and forth. My little car is so sad it's full of stuff",Normal +1976,"Waiting for 5 years paid in full, no credit '",Normal +1977,"I suddenly want a self reward by giving hampers to the big YL, hm",Normal +1978,Don't come only when NEEDED. I am not GOD.,Normal +1979,ni-ki brilliant,Normal +1980,"In the middle of carrying out a large stock transaction in the toilet, forgot to turn on the water option above. ..Soo this what i called ..Yup Im in this shit situation",Normal +1981,Happy and sunny Monday °,Normal +1982,"""It's up to you what moves you have, but if you just stay silent, it's the same as you don't have a dream"" (naruto)",Normal +1983,"I'm looking at the advice again, it's really cool, the music is really modern",Normal +1984,don't expect too much sis,Normal +1985,I'm the one who doesn't understand????,Normal +1986,Oh.. denied by pledis,Normal +1987,The face cannot be compromised,Normal +1988,"I'm so proud, oh my God, thank you dreamies for fighting until now 'š",Normal +1989,Boss are good,Normal +1990,What a knock!,Normal +1991,Effort while praying,Normal +1992,That’s my boy Leoooo,Normal +1993,"Doesn't anyone want to win the LA LEAGUE, po?",Normal +1994,How do you stop being stupid?,Normal +1995,Barata,Normal +1996,therapy ne,Normal +1997,"Wes doesn't care, we have to update the news of covid, wkwkwk. It's really funny to talk about this bro",Normal +1998,Garuda tickets have never been friends in the month of Ramadan,Normal +1999,"Is it significant for raya money, huh? I just want to know...",Normal +2000,Mesut ozil is true muslim,Normal +2001,Real madrid may be born for winning UCL,Normal +2002,really want to get well babget,Normal +2003,Wrong dog,Normal +2004,your dream is not good,Normal +2005,"Taking care of 2 special children, you have to be patient all the time...",Normal +2006,"Darling a thousand times dear, what I love is not mine ²",Normal +2007,oh god when is this c holiday ;( kulon teros :( nugas teros :(,Normal +2008,hey did you read it or not?? req me au dong guys who are angst if there is huhuu,Normal +2009,met this morning ngulek sambel AKA DREAM CB Y'ALLLLL,Normal +2010,"You know that someone calls cursing and I say I stole the wifi. Which number, I don't know. I just don't want it to hang on the internet. I have my own internet",Normal +2011,"Embraced by pain, strengthened by laughter to pretend",Normal +2012,Bismillah ride jeongkyu,Normal +2013,"I'm tired, tired of looking for mutuals to the limit, it turns out to be the same, nothing is sad...",Normal +2014,"Moots, help pray so that the selection of the interview and the interview goes smoothly... ™ .I swear I'm really excited, + I can only surrender to God.. Hopefully everything will be carried out according to His way and will, ™ AMEN",Normal +2015,Wait. Wait until I really forgot,Normal +2016,Is there anything I can leave for my day's snacks?,Normal +2017,"I'm sure today's class will be long, but it's okay",Normal +2018,tired tired of doing the finished task even our relationship,Normal +2019,keep making stories so I can monitor your activities from afar,Normal +2020,"In writing this ad, you don't have to write the customer's ""pain point"" article... Diversify your content so you can see different statistics and data... What works, continue. What didn't work, pause the ads.",Normal +2021,"duh tremors, anxiously waiting for the Ningning teaser",Normal +2022,hiiragi shinya why is your life story so tragic,Normal +2023,lite tweet can't switch what acc,Normal +2024,"I don't know how long I will fall into lust, nor will my time limit be. I might pretend that I don't know that death can come to me at any time. So that negligence becomes number one, worship is only what I want without regard to the Essence who always loves me.",Normal +2025,"How to make old people realize that working underpaid under 'gov' vs good salary in 'private sector' actually have pros and cons? Please explain later, with the current situation.",Normal +2026,indeed everyone is sleepy to the story this morning,Normal +2027,WHEN WILL MY PACKAGE BE SHIPPED?!? A little bit of Eid you know,Normal +2028,"I want the vaccine, but I'm fasting and I wasn't in the morning, is that good?",Normal +2029,"bro, work is fun, just want my material hahahaha",Normal +2030,Why do ideas have to come at bedtime?,Normal +2031,like JAJA,Normal +2032,"4 months to go, let's bizaa",Normal +2033,Twitter inc atndem elash darrte shy haja smetha space,Normal +2034,"Why is the trending 71 milli0n sellers wkwk, I mean 1. He didn't participate",Normal +2035,"Remember to always be on TV, the one with the title Tiri is cruel. Apparently the one in my house is the same",Normal +2036,There are many things to tell. It's just the listeners who don't exist,Normal +2037,"Waiting for the polearm prototype to come down from the sky..... Even though you are not new to Rosaria, you have to make a dragonspine polearm tug🧘🠻†♂ï¸",Normal +2038,Toma na pepekinha,Normal +2039,erika and sata kek okikagu kak sie,Normal +2040,"duh, it sucks to wait for 4 o'clock😫😫",Normal +2041,"Tired.. really.. really, tired! Don't want to give it up..",Normal +2042,wake up late on monday... 'ŸðŸ'Ÿ happy,Normal +2043,"tai tai tai I don't have typhus, it's really hot, I'm not going down'",Normal +2044,A friend is the one who saved me from the hell called loneliness - Naruto,Normal +2045,cineslai,Normal +2046,"If I go out, I don't see the phone, so I have to go out every day? ❤",Normal +2047,"The offline meeting is good, you can cut or return the conversation directly, without being constrained by your turn to talk and the internet network.",Normal +2048,kirk moment,Normal +2049,holiday has arrivedðŸ¤¸ðŸ »â€ â™€ï¸ .disable notif+data usage for wa🤸🠻†♀ï¸,Normal +2050,sangnyu apdet yok can yok –,Normal +2051,courier jnt for the sake of Allah already...,Normal +2052,"If you work, riwa riwi is confused if you are lazy to bring your vehicle, you can ride apeee. Dianter, sorry for those who are driving, taking public transportation, it's not possible at all",Normal +2053,"Busy and messy about the archipelago insight test.... In the past, there wasn't any... just upgrading to P4... then you can claim to be a nationalist, Pancasilaist.... don't be silly... Don't want to talk to Mukidi with her mother.. koploòooox...",Normal +2054,"Allahumma yassir,.walaa tu'assir.",Normal +2055,no brain,Normal +2056,is it peat?,Normal +2057,give me the intention to do kti ©,Normal +2058,"help rt pinned, thank you",Normal +2059,"If you have to choose between me and him, choose him. Because if you really love me, there will be no other choice.",Normal +2060,"Original tweet, goodbye, hehe",Normal +2061,my friendship:.. â–ˆ €€ã€€. █　 . █　 . █　 __. friend who is friend. just know can be trusted,Normal +2062,there is already an open go jjk vol. 16 hahaha ,Normal +2063,wake me up why it's getting late,Normal +2064,"My brother, Sonu, is the new owner",Normal +2065,What color is the theme for your raya clothes?..Me: brown :D,Normal +2066,when you want this wednesday,Normal +2067,jyp la ripeo?,Normal +2068,tired of being hung by feelings that I shouldn't expect from him because he never expected me to come back,Normal +2069,"I'm lazy for raya, I don't even buy raya clothes. There are no members here, I don't even know who they are. It's not going anywhere. Look at the man's face. but man I ordered the raya menu like I wanted to make an open house yoooo",Normal +2070,Want to look for mutual blink only or mulfand but mostly blink. Just like or rt yaa,Normal +2071,"once again said fierce. google, how to be not fierce? “",Normal +2072,"The Governor of East Java expressed his appreciation, bcoz the Regent for conveying in detail. Today the agricultural sector really needs to adapt to agricultural technology as well as the fisheries sector",Normal +2073,good morning the world's tricks~,Normal +2074,Ride across to the side. I'm handsome and kind :v,Normal +2075,better pc memberkit or grid?,Normal +2076,"Btw nax amicu who helped me try to rep here. My account stinks, so it's not logged in..Especially if your account isn't logged in either:' that's so sexiest(tormented)~ how poor):",Normal +2077,"jeongwoo's nosebleed, I'm so cranky that I can't sleep.... my gosh...",Normal +2078,"""cover jjk 16 if not naoya, yuuta deh"".. Akutami: *proceed to draw my kenjaku*",Normal +2079,"Alhamdulillah, O Allah, kasa ibadan mu karbabbiya ce ™",Normal +2080,is there a friend ambyar too?,Normal +2081,Go shopping~~~~~,Normal +2082,"During Eid, is it still safe to take the KRL to Bekasi from Jakarta?",Normal +2083,"The dog's turn is already on the train, he's asked to come later",Normal +2084,Oneus is crying for his baby picture . Gemes,Normal +2085,very itchy throat,Normal +2086,Earth's home? Where do you mean? Or is there a name for Earth's house? ”,Normal +2087,"Everyone is fighting for my netflix, I'll serve it, you guys are smart, the important thing is don't bother my profile '",Normal +2088,I'm so tired of talking,Normal +2089,FY! do you follow? rt jfb,Normal +2090,"Yo\(´∇`)/ muhammadakbarb AyoBantu Retweet & Cekidot TokoTamz pinBB:2BB19B17 Selling Shoes, Clothes, Accessories for Girls in Makassar",Normal +2091,"Kuy who wants to wash his shoes, please drop them at the workshop. We are waiting for your presence",Normal +2092,When will corona end,Normal +2093,I'm so proud of Dreamies â ☹ï¸,Normal +2094,"guys, let's talk about NCT! dream",Normal +2095,Huh? The person is deak anjir😃ðŸ™,Normal +2096,Tweet: gdC8YLLvVgCOqTZGsEPDtm3qS4PsnzrLUCzVclMk2LfXzde50P6q7JcoAADe3qOxUe6wwk 2021-05-10 02:34:15 +0000,Normal +2097,"wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, wash your face, don't take a shower...",Normal +2098,"I'm afraid that the sweet potato is not gelso again, wkkssh",Normal +2099,Does anyone have a photo of Taeyong and NCT Dream that is in the same frame?,Normal +2100,GEKESNSJS TODAY VOTE SEBONG ±,Normal +2101,"I ask Chelsea for La Asenel to win on Thursday so that fans will feel that there is still little hope for qualifying for Europe until the last game of the season. Which one can't be confident, but it's okay to share, we hope so that we can be hurt again",Normal +2102,Excited for voting today blink #BLINK..BLINKS REVOLUTION ON BBMA.I vote #HowYouLikeThat for #BestMusicVideo on #iHeartAwards,Normal +2103,"I thought my life would be empty. I just remembered that .chuang 2021: are you a werewolf? ..it's really not playing, the fan service is Chuang . I'm very satisfied",Normal +2104,This chubby girl when she's skinny she's more beautiful than everyone,Normal +2105,Waking up feeling stuck is a bit scary huh,Normal +2106,It's so cold I swear,Normal +2107,mus na defotang anut,Normal +2108,mila kebo,Normal +2109,Sorry Ni-Ki why? I just opened twt,Normal +2110,It's not in vain that I cosplay as a referee,Normal +2111,It's different.,Normal +2112,Lontong rendang during Eid there is no opponent,Normal +2113,sleepy,Normal +2114,Tweet: gdC8YLLvVgCOqTZGsEPDtm3qS4PsnzrLUCzVclMk2LfXzde50P6q7JcoAADe3qOxUe6wwk 2021-05-10 02:34:14 +0000,Normal +2115,"So rich people especially gut luking is delicious, making mistakes is quickly forgiven especially using a classification video, let's clarify, just try kismin bet luking, yes for sure.... That's it...",Normal +2116,want to eid with yw tw chan ™‡ðŸ †♀ï¸,Normal +2117,itaru chigasaki DNI,Normal +2118,TLONKKK. My stomach is rumbling,Normal +2119,greetings from me...,Normal +2120,"It's already the second dream, how come it seems so real with the name princess??",Normal +2121,Am I the only one who doesn't like using phasmina🙀,Normal +2122,Don't look for a boyfriend from twitter.,Normal +2123,China is really bothering people... it's already mutated and the viruses are spreading by themselves...,Normal +2124,"hi, can you help me tag my account or not? FIRE",Normal +2125,SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEH,Normal +2126,"Don't be jealous of other people's success, know that they are there because of determination and hard work. #SayGuess",Normal +2127,"wei, early june, svt middle june, oh my god, it's a stick",Normal +2128,can you help tag my ecocon.tysm 'žðŸ™†ðŸ »â€ ♀ï¸,Normal +2129,Looks like I'll be using Huening Kai's version of Youngblood's song for a repeat of Bing's singing practice,Normal +2130,I'm not fasting but I'm going to sahur kekekekeke,Normal +2131,hello guys i just woke up,Normal +2132,"What's the picture of the PDIP party..... Animals have reason or not.....people don't have sense. They don't have morals.... What distinguishes humans from animals is reason, science and morality... so destroyer of morals. the nation is called .....",Normal +2133,"Guys, I want to transfer. I'll follow it later using the other acc, but the acc is still limited to 12 hours",Normal +2134,It's also sad to see videos of out-of-town bus drivers who should be busy but now they don't have work :( until when will it continue like this,Normal +2135,"My dick sucks, I want to be with you",Normal +2136,signs of adult km is fishing hobby £,Normal +2137,Yaass ganaron jaguares #ExtinciónSurvivor,Normal +2138,"It's hard to breathe... when I walk to the elevator, if I want to go up, I can calm down..",Normal +2139,They do not care from were youre started. They saw of how you end it.,Normal +2140,"Even though I'm still young, but one by one the heroes in my wallet have started to disappear😶😶",Normal +2141,"Have you ever pretended to be happy, because you really want to be happy but you can't:)",Normal +2142,"And when we can accept everything with sincerity, then we will get a quiet life.",Normal +2143,DPR Musical is really cool woyyy,Normal +2144,"If you have to work with an architect like this, I guess. There's just something to get tired of £",Normal +2145,UN SALUDO AL PUTO DW KIYIANSJDNSJDBD,Normal +2146,BOCIYA,Normal +2147,"Until now, I haven't read the dictation, so I'm confused",Normal +2148,"Every time there is a college assignment.. Me : Do it right now anyway. Also Me : Ah, it's still a long time, I'll do it later.. And.. H-1 deadline:. Open your laptop, do it and finish 3 hours... Lessons to be taken: do it when the time comes",Normal +2149,"It's weird that you like to bring au characters to RL, I didn't know before Kyuhyun was the king of ff but no one brought his characters to RL at all. Even though all genres are covered, wow",Normal +2150,"Tonight, guidance again, God is happy",Normal +2151,Usually use a clock. Forget it doesn't feel like something is missing,Normal +2152,"Morningg, I just woke up",Normal +2153,Fe nas mn kotr gahlaha mabkonsh aarfa arod a'olha eh bgad yaany,Normal +2154,again not according to expectations,Normal +2155,How awesome is that dictation,Normal +2156,ni-ki best boy,Normal +2157,My lips are bleeding from the mouth,Normal +2158,good morning world it's minchan monday,Normal +2159,my hands are sore ©,Normal +2160,como que jyp ripeo,Normal +2161,all karon in time,Normal +2162,"It's okay to be selfish once, right?",Normal +2163,duh wkwkwk sis crush likes listening to niki's song,Normal +2164,just woke up.. keep dizzy ”,Normal +2165,"Liam, when he's in trouble, his job is to tease Rav... But when he's like this, he listens to a spiritual song.",Normal +2166,Ade belon on profile,Normal +2167,Innalillahhh look for mutual just flop ©,Normal +2168,Aaaaaaaa we're talking jerr. Don't be serious,Normal +2169,"AFK FOR A LIFE, THERE'S A JAPANESE LANGUAGE EXAMINATION. COULD FORGET #DIE",Normal +2170,It's a shame that people trade in the bazaar.,Normal +2171,ml! picjen does anyone want to play? -4 here,Normal +2172,"JJK vol 16, coverny geto anboksing head contents",Normal +2173,are you safe?,Normal +2174,in progress..Bismillah ™ ™ ™,Normal +2175,watdafak,Normal +2176,I can't want to tweet that I'm very respectable because there are people stalking,Normal +2177,At the age of 25 is very important :..1. Don't listen to what you don't need to hear.2. Don't see what you don't need to see.3. Don't talk if it's not important.4. Don't find out what makes you hurt,Normal +2178,"It's a lot of fun, my tweet just now is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood",Normal +2179,I'm so dizzy,Normal +2180,"My love for you, no matter how far or near, if Allah has determined that you are mine and you love me to death, I will love you forever",Normal +2181,Yakari Yakari,Normal +2182,"Life is full of rules, but keep following God's rules.",Normal +2183,"If you accidentally follow someone, then press the sponsor link when you're looking at stories on Instagram",Normal +2184,TARA GAWA MODULEðŸ˜,Normal +2185,"Can't compete for quality, so yeah, play and report things that aren't important. Xixi",Normal +2186,Kowe mbiyen say tresno. Promise ra will love you.,Normal +2187,Don't be shy about losingstreaks when playing solo. Because your mentality is stronger than a party player.,Normal +2188,"Hi! Nctzen, let's be mutual before MV dreamies comes out, help rt/like bestieee",Normal +2189,Tl qnjir come to make excitement,Normal +2190,"Papa mama asked me to continue school to the S2 level. Uh, they don't know where I want to go for S1 :). Things that are not supported by their parents are still there, you know :""",Normal +2191,Jype rip '€?,Normal +2192,don't want space?,Normal +2193,"Btw, is it really not available or what, I'm looking for the inception ver icon on spotify, how come it's not there... but the two have sepgu with the boyz... I like their ver.",Normal +2194,vibe2 off but still in class.....🤯,Normal +2195,"I was praying that day, compared to the doc, the bakaq was poisoned. I felt like it was overflowing. How can it be fathom there, it feels",Normal +2196,Because it's as if nothing happened.... As if everything is fine.... Even though it's covered as perfectly as possible.. it can definitely be felt for those who have a conscience..,Normal +2197,Surely the expedition will be full again... hopefully it can arrive on time â,Normal +2198,Share the pic sorry for messing up tl donk,Normal +2199,Horror movie characters are stupid.,Normal +2200,"Not in the mood, why not sleep",Normal +2201,I want tusbol as long as I use 12pro max🤩 ..WKWKWKKWKWKWKWKKWKW,Normal +2202,you are the inspiration in my life Teens_Abel Teens_Paulina,Normal +2203,Miss “jihan Ethan Abis goes with jay†ETHAN GETS BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL ONLY YOK YOU GET BIGGER AN UNDERSTANDING,Normal +2204,really good morning doun read a book,Normal +2205,I'm not in a good mood that's why I'm too lazy to talk,Normal +2206,"Yeayy, I've found a cafe to celebrate my birthday later. But later",Normal +2207,already know again coming a month maybe not really the dream ¡,Normal +2208,im so confused,Normal +2209,One more hahaha,Normal +2210,"Fatimah is already wearing earrings, she's still a boy ²",Normal +2211,"+ (with Jong Kook) and also appeared in the drama Song Ji Hyo, Emergency Man and Woman #KangGaryFact",Normal +2212,"There's no schedule today, right?",Normal +2213,"If you can't be good... .Don't be bad.. ..There, good or bad, right...Please don't change it...Satan's job......... ...",Normal +2214,"I'm curious, Jisung cried, didn't he see the number of POs",Normal +2215,Psspspsppsps TL y'all awake I made my sona ref!,Normal +2216,"I just arrived in Bintulu country, I haven't met my family yet. there's been a poke threat. danger",Normal +2217,Taking control to the medical center to fulfill the state's duties.,Normal +2218,"Okay, fix the tar mo, buy a lot of snacks if you can £",Normal +2219,nct who made my nervous comeback.,Normal +2220,"Thank God, I can still see the files piled up on the table this morning",Normal +2221,"Do you want to ask if you use spotify mod, does it count?",Normal +2222,It's very quiet. Who wants to be my boyfriend?,Normal +2223,my leot is clear,Normal +2224,"for once, this girl of yours said spicy words, said bad things about the person in front of her directly hahaha I'm so sick of holding back my emotions",Normal +2225,WHO CANNOT WAIT AT THE AFTERNOON????,Normal +2226,"Not only that, said dy, during the holidays and leave, the work from home (WFH) attendance must be done up to three times.",Normal +2227,Is there anyone who dreams of meeting you and then giving you a balloon,Normal +2228,"even though today I'm fast†I'm sweeping the mop, I'm ready",Normal +2229,"It's not your outfit that makes you look expensive, but yourself, your personality, and your attitude!",Normal +2230,Perdon,Normal +2231,My cat zoo looks like it's about to be born last night. but how come the baby hasn't come out yet? I don't want to eat either :(,Normal +2232,Bm seafood. There is no seafood in the Tembalang area,Normal +2233,Dino is squished,Normal +2234,Where do you buy fireworks? Want to play fireworks at night takbiran,Normal +2235,"Even though my history is Mulfand from 2010, but if the situation is 3 groups that you like to be in Top social artist... aren't you drunk? £. Right now I can only focus on 1 group... from 2018 too gt",Normal +2236,"I feel more work after WFH. Understandably, the first time the office was allowed to do WFH :)",Normal +2237,"Yes, I'm trying to be cool. I don't even open artist accounts. Then there's the family, besan, sending stories atta aurel. Chillman. I cry. Luckily I'm not fasting, can I swear?",Normal +2238,"After bubbling a lot, are you safe?",Normal +2239,Receive THR via shopepay <3,Normal +2240,"Make a problem with PDD, please, during an online event for LPJðŸ˜ðŸ˜, how come it's not there?",Normal +2241,What day is Eid Al-Fitr if you may know?,Normal +2242,great no limit,Normal +2243,back thinking looking for money,Normal +2244,"How can I do it, do you feel the same?",Normal +2245,V doesn't really die,Normal +2246,"It's really delicious in the morning, sweet martabak breakfast~",Normal +2247,"My parents: ""Can netizens call the minister a hypocrite. I just like it""..Me being one of them: ' '„ðŸ'",Normal +2248,Me wa mimir,Normal +2249,like it's not monday BANG,Normal +2250,"This time, I didn't follow the team's streaming. :')",Normal +2251,"Damn it, my f is down again",Normal +2252,"Eid on the 2nd day, can I just take it out?",Normal +2253,it's easy jing wkwk,Normal +2254,Boaaaan!!,Normal +2255,"Idc if you said “insurance is a scam†..For me, insurance is real. But if you get a fraudulent agent, that means sustenance is not next to you.",Normal +2256,"The definition of waiting for a month's paycheck, spending only how many minutes. . .🥲🥲",Normal +2257,"I miss you so much, I just dream about it, I'm looking for it",Normal +2258,want to operslot // wto..jewel case nct dream.—price 150k inc ems tax.—co ktown.—direct ina.—ada go.—udh dp 95k.— can be installments.—close on 25 may,Normal +2259,The 2nd vaccine has finished. Doesn't mean being able to get on a plane or train without an antigen test. Hmft..,Normal +2260,Is it good to do social studies or art and culture assignments first?,Normal +2261,I suspect that Wayv actually has a lot of job offers but label V refuses,Normal +2262,Milk is only one part of the process of putting a child to sleep.,Normal +2263,sleepy flz,Normal +2264,Seonho Minah has started filming ahhh august can you hurry or not,Normal +2265,"…¤..Well, yes. It's Monday. My class is at nine. Come on, let's go back to sleep...ã…¤",Normal +2266,"""Friend"" I'm fine. I don't want mom and dad sadeeuuu hehe",Normal +2267,"bf! Indomyyy, how many followers is the minimum for the vote?",Normal +2268,want to buy quota,Normal +2269,"I hope you can continue to shop, my friend",Normal +2270,"Wow, I want to have a fever, eh hais",Normal +2271,my eyes are so swollen :(,Normal +2272,Sometimes I don't understand how Syafiq can consistently praise I'm beautiful...😌😌😌,Normal +2273,Don't know which one to start with🙃,Normal +2274,accompany me like that dogggg:(.hdhhh,Normal +2275,Time to sleep again. Good morning everyone~.~,Normal +2276,"*Me tryin to find a new glasses*..My glasses have been bent, tilted, just squished, guys",Normal +2277,oh my god why don't I have a day off..,Normal +2278,"For some reason, I used to dream of him a lot, almost every day I dream of him. now? it's gone. hmmm that's it.",Normal +2279,"Are you late? Come on, mutual friends, before the MV hot sauce comes out . .Help rt/like y tencuu",Normal +2280,First media really ™„🙄 ask for hiihh,Normal +2281,"Oops, my olshop was penalized because I was forced to cancel the order, because the expedition that the buyer chose was closed, I've asked to change the expedition but there's no news",Normal +2282,"the duration of the eid holiday is really noisy, not me who is just taking holidays only on red dates ™„",Normal +2283,"at times like this, I feel so independent sksksk",Normal +2284,"lah, thanks, it hasn't arrived yet, it's pinned :')",Normal +2285,"The city center where I am, people are full of shops, banks, Pasaraya, do you remember this Covid-19 holiday?",Normal +2286,"Why is Mewgulf making me so bored that it's not that hard to make friends, Anjim? Hadoh, God, I don't know what to do with mewgulf",Normal +2287,"Hot plus cool = sore throat, want to poop",Normal +2288,"so that it is possible to buy a monstax album that is fatal love, what's the best thing about giving it to your mother for a bribe?",Normal +2289,if the weak is still drooping,Normal +2290,"Minal 'Aidin wal-Faizin, sorry to be born and inner heart, but if you don't give THR, you won't be forgiven.",Normal +2291,It's really annoying to say yes. Ckckckck,Normal +2292,"I was surprised to see you, are you safe?",Normal +2293,"If a blood sugar-lowering drug is taken by a healthy person, that person's blood sugar will drop drastically and can cause death. #IlmuDC",Normal +2294,nutmeg gadapet gadapet tail,Normal +2295,"God sends someone in your life for a reason, either to learn from him or to live life with him.",Normal +2296,moots let's check pin '‹ðŸ »ðŸ˜‹,Normal +2297,"Yes, what do you want to do, when you are asked for news, there is no response, you know, even if the update is blocked, who isn't worried.",Normal +2298,"Real sex or phone sex, let's get ready again",Normal +2299,okok,Normal +2300,yeah this week's suffering is over BYEBYE,Normal +2301,Al-Fatihah for the spirit of Ba (Mohd Nasri bin Salleh Khir). It's the 8th anniversary of Ba's passing away. Hopefully the area is placed among believers and may it be calm there. Amen🤲ðŸ,Normal +2302,I'm excited today,Normal +2303,"At pedeeengg tamadiinn, graduatinggg ka sis",Normal +2304,May Allah make it easy for my husband's affairs this pg sampling....more and more numbers want to sample this pg.....smkin more clusters are increasing....,Normal +2305,Wise people learn from the failures of others,Normal +2306,how excited it was but why are you still not interested in hehe ocean🤷,Normal +2307,"me and my ex to be now just like friends, eh. all things leh ckp ahead² about everythinggg. I want to advise other people's psl to each other eh.",Normal +2308,mass vote mn ¡i ..BUTTEREADY ON BBMAS.#Dynamite #BestMusicVideo #iHeartAwards,Normal +2309,I'm not in the mood and asking for money is another level of ANGER,Normal +2310,ni-ki baby,Normal +2311,"Good luck, I'm the type to buy last minute raya clothes, this year I can't buy clothes.",Normal +2312,It's true that you are strong humans who take static class A for 1 semester,Normal +2313,"I think turning off the alarm today will make life calm, eh you know ®â€ '¨",Normal +2314,It's that hard to gain weight,Normal +2315,Losing weight because of stress is normal. But have you ever gained weight because you are happy?,Normal +2316,why sleepy :(,Normal +2317,"I'm kdrik x interested in layer cake. K brik ngn my brothers work far & study time yes. It's best if you feel it when the dk compliment it, it's diplh, it's comfortable",Normal +2318,KB injection in the ass right? how come it's in the bot and even in the hands? the midwife's rp isn't right,Normal +2319,I'm really happy that 7 dreams can be a million seller you guys are great!!,Normal +2320,help rt pinned me,Normal +2321,"I'm confused, Liuyu, aren't you dizzy from yesterday's plane ride",Normal +2322,seven minute lecture,Normal +2323,Let's practice hero hehe,Normal +2324,"btw, does the vaccine cancel fasting? I have a vaccine schedule today",Normal +2325,Every year the month of Ramadan does he like to look for the article why? Do you really get punished by Allah? #SavePalestine #SaveSheikhJarrah,Normal +2326,". your heart is really soft. women are not to be hurt even if you raise your voice or pull your face, she will feel hurt. so take care of your woman's heart.",Normal +2327,"Oops, I'm confused whether to join bukber or not",Normal +2328,•U° .HaH.BAH.CHU.CHU,Normal +2329,que jyp que,Normal +2330,"Yes, you know that BPR has passed, want to know when you get it? HAHAHAHAHA",Normal +2331,"Hi, I'm a newbie. Can you teach me how to play Twitter, how can I play?",Normal +2332,Why is it so easy for humans to ignore the expectations of other humans? You can still act normal. Hopefully kept away from this kind of human™,Normal +2333,Still laughing about last night's cocktail :)),Normal +2334,"Typo e shy :""",Normal +2335,shame on engene indo anjg,Normal +2336,I just realized I have over 3000 tweets,Normal +2337,"""How come you don't have jaim jaim, how come you eat with your hands?! ""..-damn, he doesn't know how hard it is to cut quail eggs with a spoon!",Normal +2338,mksd this is on an an…¡(some text missing),Normal +2339,DK metcalf ran a 10.37 at 235# ™‰,Normal +2340,"Okay, okay, we can't try any route, we can try it via the – night route. See u â",Normal +2341,I'm goosebumps,Normal +2342,learn not to regret the decisions we made ourselves._.,Normal +2343,emotion? ?! emotion. . emotion ?? HARU ♡ ... *! haru....... ☆ !! emotion!! ?! <3 haru !!¿ ☆ ' HAru ' ♡ ! > 0 < !! ♡ «®â‚ á·„ . á·… ₎რHAARUU!!! ♡ !! > haru < !! ♡ emotional ! ❤,Normal +2344,jie ak change pinned dl yaðŸ™,Normal +2345,Walahy lw han3ml harb ana hanzel,Normal +2346,"Wrong checkout of the bag, asked to accept cancel the order but the seller didn't give itâ",Normal +2347,I have typed a message but I haven't yet sent it to you.,Normal +2348,the peak of human saturation when they no longer think rationally in life,Normal +2349,"Watching the coverage of the explosion in Beirut last year in the morning, it's really sad.",Normal +2350,Where is this,Normal +2351,It's funny if it's just because smoking is used as a benchmark if he's a person who isn't right🙂,Normal +2352,10000x bismillah ™‚🙂,Normal +2353,"AJHSHAJ fell asleep while zooming in and the teacher asked him to answer the questions, my sister hit him with a pillow ' » luckily I can",Normal +2354,Plotwist really seems to be plagiarism...,Normal +2355,kim doyoung <3,Normal +2356,"Lebaran this time it feels lazy to receive guests, lazy to meet people, lazy to ask questions about things that are not important.",Normal +2357,HB Low ²,Normal +2358,Ay depot lang,Normal +2359,dick,Normal +2360,"-11fess, if you want to invest for the long term, is it better to buy bluechip, gold, or alms?",Normal +2361,"confused about the concept of basic people with frills looking for a partner etc. Already following and then my dm is not answered. Do you want to add followers, what do you do? wkwk",Normal +2362,"It takes many tools to know what's in the earth, but you don't need many tools to know what's in my heart",Normal +2363,"Yesterday, nothing had changed from the arrogant boys. Cool cool... Until sometimes when I get home, it feels like I'm not laughing anymore",Normal +2364,it's so quiet it's crazy,Normal +2365,not yet,Normal +2366,WHY are you always tired before class?,Normal +2367,"Because of these certain people, the government has an increasingly stupid direction. 2 years of not being able to celebrate with my sister.",Normal +2368,"I'm just laughing when I'm zooming, the absence of a consultant is like this, where's the brick?",Normal +2369,following with my followers is very cngtip @ dah,Normal +2370,"Ok, the office has started installing the raya song",Normal +2371,I'm asking for advice on what weapon BP should I take :( I guess I won't take the bow or catalyst because I've never played with that chara-- eh stuck on venti but even then there's a stringless r3. The melee one has taken it all btw,Normal +2372,otw activate alter account,Normal +2373,Tired of not having a day off :(,Normal +2374,What are your hobbies?,Normal +2375,I feel like Grandma's mom left the bebel last night £ðŸ¤£ðŸ˜…😂,Normal +2376,"the early days of corona because all work was closed, 2020 feb (forgot to remember), a time where 1 day you can see 8-dozen films/series at a time",Normal +2377,QUWURUUWUEURREEEEEEEEE,Normal +2378,days lost atm,Normal +2379,"Hold up, Nakao Masaki was in Follow Saretara Owari??",Normal +2380,"Me when looking in the mirror: ""crazy, my dog ​​is really handsome"".. Me when trying to take a selfie: ""ouch, what the heck is this huek (those ticks... x). Why is it still so dirty??""",Normal +2381,how come I can't be jdoh jaehyun? HOW CAN I??!!??!?!,Normal +2382,when given a word from the spd and pmi service place it is a sign of wes tuek wkwk,Normal +2383,"Those who are new to mutualan, please read the bio, thanks",Normal +2384,does anyone play genshin? :],Normal +2385,"Me: *Confused about choosing sandals A or sandals B for Eid (One is cheaper, the other is prettier)*..My mother, no burden: Just take both, I'm so dizzy..Grandpa, OH MY GOD, IT'S MOST SATISFIED TO SHOPPING WITH MOM I HUHU I HAVE SUGAR MOMMYðŸ˜",Normal +2386,bismillah jewelllll. •¯ •¯. •¯ •¯. cover  . •¯ï¸ kak jie •¯ . . •¯ •¯. •¯ •¯,Normal +2387,"doesn't happen CB June :) it really fits my name, clown",Normal +2388,"Continuously upgrade the quality of ourselves, so that we always have added value.",Normal +2389,"Stop your worries, let's find manpassikkjeok together",Normal +2390,good morning seeemmuua,Normal +2391,Actually I'm fasting ™‚,Normal +2392,SM JB DUET I'M READY TO CRY,Normal +2393,in paeka we trust,Normal +2394,Do you have any templates???,Normal +2395,Cie later in the afternoon will get a new friend,Normal +2396,"Ya Allah, just woke up, opened ig, appeared a million pre orders",Normal +2397,Can't wait to listen to the full imatero Gello Matis,Normal +2398,have you showered?,Normal +2399,Humm ready to up new au zizizizi,Normal +2400,hm want to go back early â,Normal +2401,"Saur ate a lot of sauce, now he's going back and forth to the bathroom, sick",Normal +2402,"Yes, that's it, don't judge book by cover... What's more about dictation and dududu law",Normal +2403,"This downloaded song can disappear by itself, magic cake, how's the story already",Normal +2404,"there is tikt0k content that transitions from the mother and the child looks very similar, I asked my mother to make a video like that when I saw it, for example, my mother immediately said ""unclean"" with a disgusted face... so sad😔 [askl]",Normal +2405,"we don't know, don't ask me to cheat, asu",Normal +2406,"wow I'm off So if you want to order, you can just dm me",Normal +2407,Really only the power of God can,Normal +2408,I really never thought to change you to be like I want. Because actually I want to love you when you are yourself :),Normal +2409,come in or not? #zonaba,Normal +2410,"Already going for Eid, the operation board is still full -_-",Normal +2411,Omaaayyyyyyyy talagaaa..WE MISS YOU XAVMI,Normal +2412,this is nana,Normal +2413,"Anjir is waiting for the next teaser, why are you excited",Normal +2414,"locker : T-shirt screen printing production staff. DTF, experience, preferred, location : #semarang.. WA: 0851 0071 2121",Normal +2415,AJDKWKKS CHAU '”,Normal +2416,"If evan knows about me, how can you kill me too",Normal +2417,ni-ki best boy,Normal +2418,VA GA BUN DA,Normal +2419,What are you cooking today? Want grilled rice but what's the filling? Hmmm,Normal +2420,Help rt/like. Want to find mutualan all fandom. esp dreamzen for hype CB this time . may it not flop it's so quiet here :(,Normal +2421,forgot today gosh,Normal +2422,The spicy breakfast meal was a bad idea :((,Normal +2423,"People who show off under the guise of worshiping captions, how do you do it, mentolo smack jane",Normal +2424,THE BEST DREAMIES,Normal +2425,Towards Dating #AncaMenujuHalal,Normal +2426,Pabili nga bambam interpark nangungulila ²,Normal +2427,Want to stay at Peggy Gou's house,Normal +2428,What the hell is so controlling tai,Normal +2429,"Last night, I dreamed of rowing a boat from Pik to Ancol when it was a stormy night. Waking up very tired",Normal +2430,"why is tiktok, it's turn like this instead fyp🤯",Normal +2431,maybe at the end of May Pledis will announce the truth cb,Normal +2432,"This is too satire, too bitter to accept.",Normal +2433,uhh! Anyone interested in joining the Telegram group? special chi,Normal +2434,get rid of us ng baseball bat jan e😂,Normal +2435,"Just enjoy the process, fail to laugh, just be deceived into giving alms, you're still young, don't get carried away, you can get tired, don't give up.",Normal +2436,ONAKA GA SUITA,Normal +2437,"top, anyone wants to have a foster friend like me or not, sometimes the child is a bit naughty, m17 unh!",Normal +2438,it's not clear if anjir asked to share but I didn't get a reply,Normal +2439,miss you ba,Normal +2440,"It's okay to wake up, lower stomach hurts + lazy to wake up. . ...when I went to the toilet, it turned out that the moon was coming",Normal +2441,fasting fasting dream kissing cancel gc £,Normal +2442,"Crazy long hours because the roadblock is near SG Besi. Ok, find another way, don't go here",Normal +2443,Brinqs 'žðŸ'–ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—ðŸ'—,Normal +2444,why is a small child given a cellphone,Normal +2445,"Pigs are a bitch, haih",Normal +2446,"Got mute, not harassed £",Normal +2447,Sad can't do mani pedi ²,Normal +2448,,Normal +2449,I'm waiting for 250fl later I'll sell it.,Normal +2450,"Bismillah, my mamaâ",Normal +2451,which one is correct? 7I or 71??,Normal +2452,"I'm really happy that I don't have any holiday assignments, HOW DO I ARRIVELY TAKE A PROPOSAL??",Normal +2453,panic,Normal +2454,ask u dong...,Normal +2455,JOMO! °ðŸ¥°ðŸ¥°,Normal +2456,WTB ALBUM HOT SAUCE SET DONG PLS PLS DHL YAKðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ PGN NAIKIN CHART,Normal +2457,"Call for assistance from the pol, hoping that they will be investigated. It is their turn to be withdrawn by infaq do kakehan the reason",Normal +2458,Ayuda JAJNDANC,Normal +2459,alg pg,Normal +2460,"cv 276k premium funds to bank Mandiri how much did you get? want a trusted one ++ lots of tests, please..#zonauang #zonaba #zonajajan",Normal +2461,Finally a new layout even though it's not clear😫🤙,Normal +2462,no le tocaba a jyp oppa,Normal +2463,Sweet dreams. Until late. Set of 10 just woke up,Normal +2464,Can't get it thrðŸ'”,Normal +2465,"I'm on twitter on my work laptop. When I was looking for a document to send my friend, I saw my twitter, I panicked",Normal +2466,"Syg? I want to ask, don't be salty for the first time, do you want to try it, do you use lipsticks to the inside of your lips? I mean, it's not that deep...",Normal +2467,What's the problem with Muslims in ithiopia,Normal +2468,&. stay envelope🥲,Normal +2469,afraid,Normal +2470,,Normal +2471,It's also fun to listen to au dictation,Normal +2472,The intention to score Keyu's brother's ig doesn't even contain it,Normal +2473,EMPATIA....!!!,Normal +2474,HAHA I swear??! 1.71M???,Normal +2475,"I miss going back to my village.. going back to RNR is the best part ² it's a pity that the little ones can't feel the real holiday.. I picked up the raya money, the front cover of that person's house was torn. come back.. i did all that😠my son xpt",Normal +2476,What's common with baen wis …,Normal +2477,riftan is dangerous,Normal +2478,I DON'T HAVE A HOLIDAY AS WELL AS EVIL,Normal +2479,What's new is always interesting but not necessarily the best,Normal +2480,"I was really extravagant yesterday, 120k floated in a day. Chaotic",Normal +2481,Can you turn my high school hair back,Normal +2482,"Nimemweka #Bwana mbele yangu daima, Kwa kuwa yuko kuumeni kwangu, #sitaondoshwa. ..#Zaburi 16:8..#MunguKwanza .#Tanzania.#Kenya",Normal +2483,chat session with jelo,Normal +2484,Last night winnowed 2 kg of peanuts. Now bad afternoon arm. boy,Normal +2485,"Ouch, why does my stomach hurt so much, how full is this –",Normal +2486,"This is the fate of the gap, friend wkwk",Normal +2487,"defecate until you're tired and sleepy, what phase have you entered in life?",Normal +2488,"So I remember at the beginning of the fast, I thought I was nagging 'just watch out fromis comeback during fasting or after Lebaran' and they did🧠»â€ ♀ï¸",Normal +2489,ok online lg,Normal +2490,"The greatest gift of the month of Ramadan, I'm strong, my lord",Normal +2491,good luck,Normal +2492,Poor ronaldo et al wkwkw,Normal +2493,"After paying off Dreamies, lgsg dp album seventeen. Pledis knows that after Eid there is a lot of money '",Normal +2494,good morning my children ™‹,Normal +2495,Wanzar and hijabistahub clothes brackets all sold,Normal +2496,early raya my classmate even if you are roger la,Normal +2497,"Uh! Would you like to see your Namjoon PC collection, please? I've always wanted to have a PC, but I never got it.",Normal +2498,"My simple wish list about BTOB who haven't crossed out yet, only met Seo Eunkwang. The others have been and met miraculously. Huhu come on Mr. Director we meet '™",Normal +2499,"morning"" how are you doing?",Normal +2500,"eu, lo de jyp es joda?",Normal +2501,"Can my brother wfh be like:..I want to take a shower near the toilet and he told me to wait, I'm on this meeting for 5 min. Can't be noisy",Normal +2502,this is so kriyuuukkk this is my turtle,Normal +2503,"It's already good, if you want to buy it, why don't you have an order",Normal +2504,Cheol busy to it's been days I don't want to see. 2 days ago duk hehehehehe to the person who posted the kidult lyric lol,Normal +2505,teacher matmin I'm really good for God's sake huhu,Normal +2506,"Morning everyone, today is my schedule for babysitting, my nephew is coming, I want to break the taste",Normal +2507,"Ping! let's be mutual, just rt. jfb y!!â '™",Normal +2508,Yok practice don't talk about physical often.,Normal +2509,I'm shivering,Normal +2510,Maisha yetu yanaongozwa na Mungu.,Normal +2511,I love Betuuuu y sus caritas •,Normal +2512,uh gone,Normal +2513,"That feeling will come, as the hearts begin to close",Normal +2514,"ex narutoEeu, Kirazumaki.",Normal +2515,Gratitude system.,Normal +2516,Mak HOD + ve covid. Now hod wait for the swab. I'm worried. How many days do you want to celebrate?,Normal +2517,"LOCKER: Sales Bakery Ingredients,..REQUIREMENTS: MinD3/.S1 Experience in Sales.Min2Th,Max35Th,Pny Motor Self &SIM C....SEND APPLICATION TO:.PT Jaya Fermex.Jl.Puspowarno I No.20 # Semarang",Normal +2518,"You don't have to find out anymore, let him be the new one :)",Normal +2519,Why was it traumatized once or ywaaa,Normal +2520,"After Eid later..Morning: busy apologizing to everyone.Afternoon: lying down, no work",Normal +2521,Mama ©,Normal +2522,"How come I'm not in this mood for shopping for clothes... I'm so annoyed. Before getting pregnant, usually every month there must be 1 dress that you buy. NOW WHERE EVER. Just looking, I'm not in the mood",Normal +2523,Yoga guru Baba ramdev grid ko mile to bta dena ”🤔,Normal +2524,Holidays become rp tiktok ah,Normal +2525,Why is my TL so ugly?,Normal +2526,There are many who like simple verses after a solid “,Normal +2527,"For those of you who today have a holiday task regarding statistics, you can dm us. Testi can be checked via the thread and the statistics student admin. So don't worry anymore ☺☺☺",Normal +2528,"Every day is a beautiful day, if it starts with a beautiful heart. [Andrie Wongso]",Normal +2529,"In the morning, I saw my mother crying, it broke my heart w☹ï¸",Normal +2530,"a week away, it's okay to go to Sooyoung Ryujin Minhyuk, right £",Normal +2531,want to eat a classy layout #zonauang #zonaba,Normal +2532,"eng¡home is so bad, what's wrong?",Normal +2533,but surely many are not as dom :(,Normal +2534,CB is still later in the afternoon but I'm excited by now,Normal +2535,lexi pspspspspspsps,Normal +2536,want to sleep but soon the call to prayer for midday :( . heavy sleepy,Normal +2537,ranboo: buh-bye! ... end spa–,Normal +2538,"Oh Allah, I bought the Kudasai book :')))",Normal +2539,haha anj finally my old user is back,Normal +2540,"Look at SM, how big is the potential for dreamies, just be careful if you waste it again w getok",Normal +2541,"what's wrong, why is it so crowded?",Normal +2542,It's a shame. Wkwkwkw,Normal +2543,"All pet shops must have a veterinarian, right? very hard to find a veterinary clinic :((",Normal +2544,"Seeing the preview, why does it make you want to buy hot sauce",Normal +2545,help check mt non-moots?.. borrow ht #zonauang #zonaba,Normal +2546,sam&jeongin,Normal +2547,"That's right, the average young person is warm-blooded. Talk about emotions. Everything must follow one's own will. Don't touch the taste, manipulate it to get the taste. Jurisdiction law rejects the edge. I'll be a little old, then I'll realize a big mistake. Follow your heart, perish.",Normal +2548,"When I arrived at the office, I saluted the employees. .🧕: Wow, I'm really diligent, even though I didn't enter, it's okay, bro.ðŸ'©: hehehe it's okay ma'am. Even though I'm already planning to take a day off, but I have something to ask :)",Normal +2549,Waking up-a small talk- before class open twt ah..Eh svt comebck ™‚ðŸ' »,Normal +2550,"Did I buy this, forgot it.",Normal +2551,"take a week off, should be for Eid, the rest is for fishing '",Normal +2552,"Nctzen before the MV comes out, let's make it up so we can stretch together RT yaa",Normal +2553,life is really a dog,Normal +2554,Aquiclude: Rock formations that cannot store large amounts of water (eg clay).,Normal +2555,Jusq muntikan na HAHAHAHAH..WE MISS YOU XAVMI,Normal +2556,sermon mnen umay,Normal +2557,This week I'm going to see two of my rivals at the mushow ™‚. This is my fate to be a mulfand,Normal +2558,nyan,Normal +2559,"God, I still can't believe it, I remember at the beginning of the NCT booth, there were a lot of people who said that SM's failed products, the concept wasn't clear, especially when the SM treatment was given to Dreamies themselves, which was great '© too. But we finally here omg yes dreamies deserve!!! NCT DREAM MILLION SELLERðŸ'š",Normal +2560,"There is nothing easy from every struggle that everyone goes through. Maybe including us, regardless of *whatever* and *whoever* we are fighting for, all the same"" is not an easy road. But, that doesn't mean we can't go through it.",Normal +2561,Dizzy with his behavior,Normal +2562,AAAAA GAMAU SHOWING HIKS,Normal +2563,What if the fee is 20% of the item you want to sell?,Normal +2564,d donde salio lo d jyp?,Normal +2565,"Don't want to die, don't want to die, it's better if you want to die",Normal +2566,can you block your boyfriend or not? asking.,Normal +2567,"ok, be patient watching the nano later when you're done fasting",Normal +2568,"Now Jisung is crying, right?",Normal +2569,"Next month, BTT will be fun, just be sure. It's cold money anyway.",Normal +2570,seokjin sarilir misn,Normal +2571,My leg hurts.. I feel like someone is hurting pulok.. Jale po ore tuo,Normal +2572,morning,Normal +2573,My school won't be closed before takbiran night :),Normal +2574,so sleepy «,Normal +2575,"Anjir looks like he can't watch Dream, I have an appointment at 3 o'clock '”",Normal +2576,"Ya Allah, it's just AR19... I'm really lazy",Normal +2577,"But this dream album is really good, where's the full album. The wait is so long",Normal +2578,Morning,Normal +2579,1 USD = 0.71267 GBP; 73.277007 INR; 0.822489 EUR; 405.729897 NGN;,Normal +2580,"is gathering intentions to start today's task. starting from the review, approval and input of employee overtime. his duties 1. payroll; I've been working on it to death all day because I have the rest of the work tomorrow. *finger kretekkin*",Normal +2581,finally wake up,Normal +2582,ni-ki best boy,Normal +2583,LIMIT AGAIN,Normal +2584,ATEEZMFS TO LOCK AOWKWK ©,Normal +2585,I want to tell you a little about my cat's birth,Normal +2586,"Look, I'm like a celebrity",Normal +2587,"I miss Eid in Jakarta (mother's family) we get more Eid vibes, we visit the house†in the complex, Eid prayer through the swamp†first, the super smelly one, then we eat†, pilgrimage, on the way to Grandma's house ²",Normal +2588,"jype has always liked to give twice comeback time full house, considering that twice is the biggest in jype, people give junior2 comeback time a little free",Normal +2589,oh juro veiKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK,Normal +2590,"I have to buy an air humidifier that can put only one essential oil, of course all the fragrant things are put in the cubicle.. °",Normal +2591,Imong part tos sgd shuta ka jizan ™ƒ,Normal +2592,"So you're dating just for prestige, huh? It's better to be single, if that's the way to play, okay?",Normal +2593,check pin yanc '»ðŸ'¢,Normal +2594,"hi hi!!! because there are a lot of new moots, let's get to know each other hello everyone, I'm zhaf, greetings!!!",Normal +2595,"The layout is cute again, that's what #zonauang is working on right away",Normal +2596,ni-ki best boy,Normal +2597,"according to what hc said in the bbl ""the pre-order number is really pretty, isn't it"". The problem is:— 1.71 MILLION SELLER..1 : 1st first album. 7 : Comeback with 7dreamies.",Normal +2598,kmo q jype rip?,Normal +2599,Ya kahar ¡ðŸ˜¡ðŸ˜¡ #FreeQuds,Normal +2600,less than 30 minutes to go,Normal +2601,"4 kilos of royal canin, not even a month, there are crumbs left, I understand that it just dropped thr but yeah :))))))",Normal +2602,where are you?,Normal +2603,Morning!!! Have a nice Monday everyone! Don't forget to have breakfast for those who are not fasting and the spirit of fasting for those who are fasting >.<,Normal +2604,YUHUUU MY THR ALREADY CAIRR~ drop your sales about junpi/shua huh! 17wtb,Normal +2605,Four times Idul Fitri did not join the prayer. Where are the guests now on Eid in front of their eyes â,Normal +2606,double mo yeji itzyâ,Normal +2607,gabole give up gabole give up,Normal +2608,"My taxi driver is very emotional today, this morning it's like being chased by a drug lord…… on Jalan Sudirman. “",Normal +2609,Dream to live Don't live to dream,Normal +2610,"Sorry for the slow response, I want to take a shower first so it doesn't smell",Normal +2611,"I'm a crazy fan, aren't I.. I usually get a cute scene in the drama, instead I like to scream and shout incoherently.. it doesn't work",Normal +2612,I'll just make this account a task jockey this time haha,Normal +2613,"â€.â€.The stock of reading books is running low, maybe someone has a suggestion?â€.â€",Normal +2614,"I'm very emotional with Ye-seul's boyfriend. hhh. It's freaky, duh, I'm just being injected, it's okay if I'm already kicking the shin with the other leg.",Normal +2615,"Last night, Nasi Kandar Basikal was here. But I'm craving Nasi Kandar Ekspress. Sweet and sweet like Deen Maju ouch",Normal +2616,Why isn't it released Friday? Let once fanboy focus on Friday calmly.. ”,Normal +2617,"Ges, can you eat in your dreams or not, I can't I want to eat with nails, spill, wake up, etc., there's a problem",Normal +2618,WHAT TO SAY TO DREAMIES ±â€¼ï¸,Normal +2619,"Work first guys. wkwkwk, Yangvlain is already on holiday huh",Normal +2620,Can't this dad's shop be packed up by itself? I'm tired hahaha,Normal +2621,it's crazy how cool the dynamite is alesso skz,Normal +2622,"I'm so tired, where's my heart beating so fast.. I want to go back, woi",Normal +2623,My limit is over,Normal +2624,"He picked my name, suddenly said I was playing victim ..Gosh. Have you met the new prey to gaslight and groom there?..Abusive men are dangerous. Abusive men who suddenly know the vocab social justice is even worse. Be careful everyone and block liberally.",Normal +2625,different is a choice,Normal +2626,½ scam and ko,Normal +2627,"Oh God, why is my laptop acting up and I'm tired.",Normal +2628,I'm not fasting. Want to powder until 11 o'clock and then wake up making tea and work in the room while snacking on the pie Iwik sent.,Normal +2629,VERY PROUDðŸ˜,Normal +2630,w if it doesn't look like it's okay.. it's too late for the child w.. it's better if it's hard to be alone.. so let's be like before,Normal +2631,there's a lot of real work,Normal +2632,"he's never been this active, wants CB",Normal +2633,Can you not?,Normal +2634,Peter Pan â,Normal +2635,"how come on holiday, I even go to school offline",Normal +2636,So proud of dreamies ©ðŸ˜ they must be very happy,Normal +2637,ywa ka bipolar ba nimo oyy,Normal +2638,it's easy to make it viral,Normal +2639,"yuuhi no oyama ni, keep it up momiji",Normal +2640,Dizziness™ƒ,Normal +2641,gm tl,Normal +2642,Is it stupid that it's been 2 hours and a half in the train.. still not getting to the office because the jammed road wants to go home haihhh,Normal +2643,spa maw kiss,Normal +2644,"It's been a long time since I heard ""do you panic? Don't you panic? Is it okay to panic?"" and whatever words are made up like gt'",Normal +2645,Cirilo,Normal +2646,I want to move on from you but it's hard :(,Normal +2647,"Always off soq tk tk sleep already, today kawkaw he sleeps awake wakes up at 10 o'clock. Amboiii hng naa!!",Normal +2648,Cheese cheese and hand e,Normal +2649,"Hey man, my twitter is really weird",Normal +2650,It's been a long time since I took a number I want to quickly move areca nut,Normal +2651,what to do,Normal +2652,"Modyaarrr my photo is gone, my kertu :( .Modyaarr my eyeliner is crispy .Wtf '",Normal +2653,bololo,Normal +2654,This year there are no tired souls,Normal +2655,"ok kalm, let's get ready for group work",Normal +2656,My renego”,Normal +2657,New QSO:N3DAW->RW3BK (European Russia) FT8 40m 7864km,Normal +2658,if fate allows us to be together again for the second time. I promise I will tell you all the things that I went through when I wanted to forgive you. and how cry' yes I was that day. :'),Normal +2659,lately it's fun to see people get the ratio jerp,Normal +2660,"Jun, you did well, don't feel bad anymore, okay? @.renjun",Normal +2661,Mootsss my height increased by 1cm😎,Normal +2662,"{you} guys, I'm looking for a sunscreen but I'm confused which one to buy, what kind of sunscreen do you guys who are oily acne prone use? can i have a review please? thank you",Normal +2663,Jay balloon pspspsps. »â€ ♀ï¸,Normal +2664,Chan gi ya Saranghae,Normal +2665,my album is coming soon,Normal +2666,boi at geboi mujair,Normal +2667,Nananananana,Normal +2668,han jisung <3,Normal +2669,"WIDIH, MY FRIENDSHIP MILLION SELLER??? ️",Normal +2670,what is a kenjaku,Normal +2671,"I've fallen in love, I swear to anything",Normal +2672,"—£ï¸ : just get closer when you're not busy.. ""When you're not busy (busy), where can you go?""",Normal +2673,"As long as he doesn't apologize, I'm still holding a grudge.",Normal +2674,"Please, later in the evening the line will not do something, I want to see my dreams I comeback",Normal +2675,stupid bitch,Normal +2676,"I'm in the bathroom with my mother, greeting, spontaneous, ""waalaikumsalam—"".""astaghfirullah—"".""ehh—""",Normal +2677,ni-ki brilliant,Normal +2678,Can't believe it's already Eid :),Normal +2679,dog,Normal +2680,Omg daebak what did I do to deserve this. My friend even wasn't get back to her hometown,Normal +2681,ranbooo,Normal +2682,Allah knows you are strong that's why the test is hard,Normal +2683,I'm so sorry to see her legs fufuffu want me to marry,Normal +2684,"2021- THIS IS ALSO SPECIAL we seldom do jbjb but I feel like we are close to you Friends talk, friendly, keep it cool too! Basically the complete package umm.. Thank you for being mutual, and thank you for reading my story '–ðŸ'–ðŸ'– Keep it up! ---",Normal +2685,The intentional humorous element in teacher recitation is indeed wrong. Teachers have to be careful in teaching students even if they are joking. Today's young people have socialized using their brains.,Normal +2686,I feel like there's a difference between private and public services: v,Normal +2687,Is the place to print like that still open today? urgent for thesis hmm jogja only,Normal +2688,In the framework of the CB that will be soon. Want to GA premium on spotify/yt ahh,Normal +2689,So far I can't find london almonds that are really delicious £ðŸ˜£ðŸ˜£,Normal +2690,Safe right?,Normal +2691,Mn mutisðŸ'—,Normal +2692,I swear I'm really big with people like that,Normal +2693,"Reddit, coinhunt, blackfolio, coinmarket, coineko all have been done, but nothing is stuck",Normal +2694,yuhsww,Normal +2695,Why is medicine bitter?,Normal +2696,"you only live once...don't be afraid to be yourself, be alone, and love yourself.",Normal +2697,"How come suzy tea, bang junhoe, prim left group?",Normal +2698,lrt kenma is so cute,Normal +2699,It turns out that I'm looking for good mutuals this morning,Normal +2700,I forgot what a happy ending is :((,Normal +2701,"It's okay, I also have no intention to be angry about this",Normal +2702,"If you look at the Traces of the Apostles who are talking about City A Famosa, it's an oath of sadness and like wow, the Malay Sultanate of Melaka, not beshe beshe",Normal +2703,shower plan: 9.set10: still bowling on the plato🙂,Normal +2704,"H-2 this Eid guys, what have you prepared for this?",Normal +2705,"I used to feel lucky to be married to someone far away. Yes, you can go abroad when you return to that far away village. But based on the situation right now, its better to be married to someone from the same village or local area. What a pathetic life, hope this world will recover from covid soon. AMEN!☺ï¸",Normal +2706,It's only been 3 days since he was confirmed positive for covid and went to the sg buloh hospital. So sad,Normal +2707,Wei's body hurts all over,Normal +2708,"Why is this ic over so much. How come I know Mino for a long time. The one who's a friend is he's a po, not engko",Normal +2709,tmask~ junkyu tuspi 90k y/n? or bargain again?,Normal +2710,met morning chbt,Normal +2711,I sometimes get confused about what people send hampers for? .. seriously asking,Normal +2712,APENY,Normal +2713,"When do I go to church?? I'm confused, confused...",Normal +2714,Does anyone know? ..how to check the network concerned for celcom?????,Normal +2715,hello! ya Allah miss you guys but this account is not healing😔😡,Normal +2716,"like it, say don't just stay silent when someone takes it, eh, they say cheat",Normal +2717,"morning, have you taken a shower yet?",Normal +2718,"Unfortunately, I got another limit for 3 days",Normal +2719,"The PN kingdom says with pkp, you can't cross the area, you can reduce the infection. If not, the infection will increase... Now this is the PN kingdom if it's increasing because ""hacking the area where the increase is happening"".. if it goes down, it goes up, lps it pkp. That's all #KingdomFailed to know.",Normal +2720,"Univrs update has been 2 hours and it's not finished, then it's canceled now Bye you know, the signal here is pathetic.... *what's the pathetic cell phone I don't understand £",Normal +2721,"don't say ""without jungkook eren it won't be trending again""..#EREN",Normal +2722,palimos ng wifi jusq,Normal +2723,morning all,Normal +2724,"moots, if I randomly tagged like that, whether about exo or members, do you mind or do you feel uncomfortable? If so, can you tell me😅and you can also tag me back in case I missed any info",Normal +2725,KESESSESESESE,Normal +2726,Blahhhhhhhhh,Normal +2727,"kamo, gikantahan mos inyong tchr? ️",Normal +2728,"Wayv, all of the members have the talent to be comedians, right? I saw their channel laughing.",Normal +2729,"After logging out, is it safe or not?",Normal +2730,I can't accept it all. Why is it Corona?,Normal +2731,qui ti hibli dis ahiri,Normal +2732,COMO Q JYP RIPEO,Normal +2733,What should we do,Normal +2734,"exposed to radiation again and again, feels like riding a cave ride",Normal +2735,"From the beginning of the fast, the intention was to mute eruri because the fanart is not good for the eyes and heart. Until now, I haven't been able to mute it, or it's a waste if you don't see it.",Normal +2736,bismillah bank thiti yu dating,Normal +2737,"Still struggling with RPPH & RPPM, as well as extracurricular art & craft videos.",Normal +2738,no one wants to drop this template on my acc... so few,Normal +2739,Days not working effectively,Normal +2740,Can anyone help me with my physics assignment? I don't know which guide I'm going to tell myself to study on my ownðŸ˜,Normal +2741,in history there was only one red power ranger who got married,Normal +2742,BUT HOW COULD?!!!!,Normal +2743,Is it time to look for a lot of moots on this account?,Normal +2744,1st place for motivation and encouraging people. But loving yourself is not good enough. I:),Normal +2745,Solid pa den trpk case diko please kababata,Normal +2746,No wonder it's easy to ride skin rashes aksjbdncjcmdkcjcck,Normal +2747,hyunjin and mingi uuwi :(,Normal +2748,"I feel that tomorrow I will start my leave, you really workload for today. prepare 9 tax package sorg2",Normal +2749,"At 9 am my stomach is rumbling, is it because I ate Indomie",Normal +2750,(AKDHAKSJA ME CAGO EN LA PUTA,Normal +2751,Hurry up at 4 o'clock,Normal +2752,confused what to do. just read it sometime,Normal +2753,,Normal +2754,Come on a little more😢😢😡😡😡😡😡,Normal +2755,I'M SURE AFTER THE NINGNING TEEL TEASER MY CONTENT:..🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵😩😩😩ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸŒ¶ ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸ”¥ðŸŒ ©ðŸ”¥ðŸ˜ðŸ¥µðŸ˜ðŸ¥µðŸ”¥ðŸ˜©ðŸ”¥ðŸ¥µðŸ¥µðŸŒ¶ï¸ ”¥ðŸ¥µ,Normal +2756,Patience 3 months ago...,Normal +2757,cute little bitch,Normal +2758,Busy schedule for today. Spirit even though physically destroyed.,Normal +2759,I really want to have someone who can understand without saying 'but',Normal +2760,So Dobby's girlfriend feels like a queen every day,Normal +2761,happy awokwkwkwk,Normal +2762,How come netplix private can be used on more than 1 device at the same time or not?,Normal +2763,csralho… kkkkkkkk,Normal +2764,a lot of sucks,Normal +2765,I'm dizzy looking at my own pp,Normal +2766,I'm so scared again I'm chatting but I need it but immediately excited,Normal +2767,Could this inflammation of the throat even though I don't eat it's weird,Normal +2768,Sometimes it's still wrong to give up.,Normal +2769,I haven't had Eid yet but the THR is over,Normal +2770,I'll be off for a while,Normal +2771,he said:. do not be afraid for the sake of a comfort heart!!!,Normal +2772,esiro la pata jyp?? q,Normal +2773,"Happiness is simple, for example, I just woke up at this hour",Normal +2774,"life is an opportunity............... to be tired, bored, angry, disappointed, afraid, sad, excited again-give up againðŸ""until stressed-aware-stress"" laugh haha ​​to cry huhuhu ..that's all",Normal +2775,Now you can't buy orange from the Chinese one...,Normal +2776,"Cool marketing, bro.",Normal +2777,lazy to go,Normal +2778,Cubes are mostly gg gas,Normal +2779,Holidays come quickly,Normal +2780,Alhamdulillah,Normal +2781,"luck is also created, it doesn't suddenly come like that",Normal +2782,It's not really nice to be ignored 😩,Normal +2783,I think Aqil is smoking gam. Sleep 5 hours and wake up 1 hour sleepy back. Get up to eat & take a shower,Normal +2784,a year agoðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +2785,"I just want to ask again, is it really million pre-order or million seller?",Normal +2786,"drop the leot gemes catalog dong, want to sell lm",Normal +2787,My throat is dry oh my god,Normal +2788,a jheni asked how kkkkkkkkkkkk amoh,Normal +2789,"Don't even ask for pape, just throw away this feeling",Normal +2790,"Undip Menfess hasn't sent the scale, bro?",Normal +2791,"Kk PrillyBie say hello donk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, please don't be too long,,,:(.#ngarep",Normal +2792,It's sooo cold. Runny nose sneezing won't stop please please. Cook it in the sun,Normal +2793,"I'm also confused, honestly, I feel sorry for my own mother, but when I deliver, it's a habit to tell me to go away from the burden of the family who can only watch 24/7",Normal +2794,jyp se murio? Ayuda,Normal +2795,The universe knows how hard I try to get you :),Normal +2796,Ma Ma Ma Ma Mafia huh?,Normal +2797,"dude! Can't move on from shadow and bone, please suggest a movie/series that looks like shadow and bone",Normal +2798,Vitamin C deficiency,Normal +2799,"Dates mellow, want to cry, feelings are not clear. Usually girl. Alhamdulillah, thank you.",Normal +2800,"I did enter UIA, just took the subject of UNGS, eee already uni req course, oh my god there are already many ungs",Normal +2801,a dream if you dream it won't happen sad :((,Normal +2802,Are you proud to be a dreamzen? I'm very proud,Normal +2803,forgive forgiven. then make peace with yourself (: . regret it then learn it. . . all phases of life have a time.,Normal +2804,"pond born in 2001 was a bit shocked, wow this looks like I'm going to shake",Normal +2805,Immediately not sunny my Monday ',Normal +2806,But I don't like cheaters! dishonest,Normal +2807,Alright,Normal +2808,but how can you,Normal +2809,Hope there are no job orders in these two days,Normal +2810,It's time to fly the white flag.,Normal +2811,YAALLAH SO NATION OF SM DREAMIES,Normal +2812,First try..,Normal +2813,Where to find this last min raya cake,Normal +2814,how can you just wake up at this hour,Normal +2815,Hopefully can :((,Normal +2816,Batang kalyee talaga ako ahhh..WE MISS YOU XAVMI,Normal +2817,"It's always visible afterward.....Like Ramadan, it's getting better and better or decreasing, it will be seen in the months after Ramadan.",Normal +2818,nukana,Normal +2819,let's start ya,Normal +2820,Electric token warrior spirit,Normal +2821,Gagara,Normal +2822,In the end I'll be like the wind you can feel but you don't care,Normal +2823,"sch! So far, what do you think about the problems in Indonesia that have resulted in harming the homeland???...✄・・・.🧠Trivia: The first 6 countries to recognize the sovereignty of the Republic of Indonesia are Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Yemen, Saudi Arabia and the Vatican.",Normal +2824,"Tired of working too, not fasting",Normal +2825,"Confused, Sequel Flower first or Spin off Apology first?",Normal +2826,Ex-phone when he's not fine. When I'm not fine?. Crying sobbing in the corner no one knows :'),Normal +2827,/. crazy i just woke up,Normal +2828,It's not that I'm afraid to imagine it. But it's more than a mistake,Normal +2829,cell phone,Normal +2830,WKWKWK CAN ONLY NAOYA BE NEXT COVER VOL 17 TO SEE THE ORIGINAL HAIR COLOR '€,Normal +2831,"Deuuhileh, for asking me to fill out the form using the turnaround time limit, the response is really late",Normal +2832,Wow in duplicate,Normal +2833,"Here I am in Semarang, your birthplace.",Normal +2834,Pickaw isn't on my side,Normal +2835,very beautiful,Normal +2836,"one of the struggles has ended. the song that I only remember the rhythm of, I searched for more than 13 years.... finally found it... had lost my memory, I thought the song was by Gundam, a bit complicated in my opinion because there are so many versions.. I've searched from a faction that I suspect, not found ―.―...",Normal +2837,"I'm sorry, it's too late, but I need enthusiasm to find a take off album ™‚ðŸ'”",Normal +2838,"The ATM machine at the People's Bank at the Plaza Hotel can exchange money for Rm10, new money, please don't ask for a long arrangement",Normal +2839,Thank God it's really June hehe best birthday gift ever,Normal +2840,"It's possible to win 4 matches continuously, but if the rest of the matches City have to lose, it's a bit tough. Draw wae wes champion",Normal +2841,It's impossible to sit on the floor without a mat for long. Auto catch a cold :(,Normal +2842,"Break the fast with the loyal ones, because the sweet ones make you loro.",Normal +2843,"""Karajo ang? dima ang karajo"". Even though they are silent when I work, why am I different :')",Normal +2844,The clock has shown the time of breaking the fast for my house (10.32 am). To those who are still fasting mehsini come to break the fast :))),Normal +2845,"I'm really lazy when I'm playing, the moon suddenly comes",Normal +2846,"Ya Allah, I can't imagine if I'm a mulfanðŸ'¸",Normal +2847,mkkkkkkkkkk q doideira,Normal +2848,It's really too much bone,Normal +2849,I swear hanna where did you miss the number 14-16 jingggg HAHEVDJAJA,Normal +2850,"The dream was bad, Allahu",Normal +2851,gasspati fast pgn fast at 4:((,Normal +2852,send fee,Normal +2853,"If you have a little money, eat char kuey teow with the spikes. There you can only spend rm30. Oh yeah with takoyaki. Going back home tomorrow won't be ready because it's full. What's so uptown heaven, I don't know",Normal +2854,WOE SHOCKED BGT CB JUNI ANJIRRRTTTTTR,Normal +2855,you are too friendly for me who is baper.,Normal +2856,q pasa con jyp?? No t tocaba,Normal +2857,Do you have any school holidays yet?,Normal +2858,yes it turns out hahahahaha,Normal +2859,It's not clear,Normal +2860,solo booth smells tai,Normal +2861,"Yes, finally the limit too",Normal +2862,Why did everything end up like this again?,Normal +2863,CAI EN KA BROMA DE DN P,Normal +2864,WHY DOES IT BE IN RT,Normal +2865,ni-ki baby,Normal +2866,"It's still morning, there's just a toxic lambe.. What did you not invite to refresh on the weekend? Wk",Normal +2867,my stomach is so sick,Normal +2868,How does it feel to not be waroed?,Normal +2869,hyunjin te amo sabias,Normal +2870,re lindaan't,Normal +2871,"Be patient, I've been waiting for more than an hour",Normal +2872,Do you want to take a shower first €,Normal +2873,sleepy jeng igeboyeahhh,Normal +2874,"When the market folds, then there are ""traders""",Normal +2875,"luckily i fell asleep, so i can have sweet dreams tonight ™‚ðŸ' »",Normal +2876,"It turns out that everyone is quietly asking the same thing, but don't you dare ask me",Normal +2877,"Anjir is afraid if the trejo cb is for real in June, he will be with Sebong... my heart can't handle it🙃",Normal +2878,Ping! anyone want mutual same with 2002L? rt yaa '•,Normal +2879,mi outfit de fc lo tengo hace messes,Normal +2880,Finished.........,Normal +2881,Hamper what?,Normal +2882,q con jyp,Normal +2883,"I'm done fasting and want to ride a bike again, my body now looks like a mannequin.",Normal +2884,HIKD,Normal +2885,"Hey moots. Give me an idea for Eid greetings that has an enhypen element, please.. Please don't flop",Normal +2886,ND MG BAHY IS BLONDEHRHF,Normal +2887,ai ai esse jay do enhypenkk..ðŸ'”,Normal +2888,"I'm not feeling well, can I ask PPDB on the PC?",Normal +2889,I'm tired of waiting for a member to reply to an email at 8PM ✋ðŸ,Normal +2890,Last time I dreamed of buying a gecko with my aunt. Happy but sad it's just a dream ©,Normal +2891,Bismilahi Rahamani Rahim,Normal +2892,"Yup, already in May, it still feels like a dream hahaha, just hope for a miracle",Normal +2893,if you can shut up or not,Normal +2894,Looking for a movie to fill tomorrow's holiday🤔,Normal +2895,"The risk of living in a small town, looking for ingredients for hockey cakes. When the cheesecake trend is trendy, the search for cheese cream keeps running out... During Eid, looking for Edam and Parmesan cheese is all gone",Normal +2896,"there are people who want to buy clothes with mom today, it's so funny she's even agitated",Normal +2897,"Tell me to buy different concentrates in P, the composition is wrong. Ah, how about this farm?",Normal +2898,"oh my god, my sister picked up mommy, but mommy has come back using a motorcycle taxi pls",Normal +2899,This is so big boy,Normal +2900,"The Governor of East Java expressed his appreciation, because it was the Regent who had conveyed it in detail. Today the agricultural sector really needs to adapt to agricultural technology as well as the fisheries sector",Normal +2901,in aq makamove on beom putahnsgim,Normal +2902,WONDERFUL?!?,Normal +2903,Enserio jyp murio ?,Normal +2904,APRIL Y ALEX ANDBEJIDNXNDEKJDJD,Normal +2905,who's excited,Normal +2906,"Hyewon, what are you doing, what are you doing?",Normal +2907,"[88:21] So give warning, for verily you are only those who warn.",Normal +2908,"When I see the scene of Petra being bullied, I still have a lot of grudge against Annie",Normal +2909,There are so many plaques that it's not too bad if you want to scroollllllll laaaaa,Normal +2910,MATARIA POR UNA PIZZA MUZARELA,Normal +2911,"beyb, I want to ask, how much does Zepeto surgery usually cost? does that mean you use ecun custie? thank you",Normal +2912,Rachel_JKT48 when your face is white sweet like #Gulla,Normal +2913,"what's wrong with political science to the point where it's really banned...wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, strict parents don't have any opponents",Normal +2914,"dk! Kmrn who bought SG21 NCT, how much is the cargo tax?",Normal +2915,"I don't know if you stay still and then check your own fleet, you will definitely smile like an orgil »â€ ♀ï¸",Normal +2916,Make it difficult to sit down if you want to be ready eh,Normal +2917,"I don't think it's the 10th, OMG YOU HAVE TO SIMULATE FIRST TO SEE JENO LEE AND HER TROOPS WICKING ±",Normal +2918,"last year, make 5 cakes for raya, have a lot of enthusiasm. this year just show it. i iz sad â",Normal +2919,"I can't understand how stupid they are? The feeling of ghozwah stories, even the first crusade, no one attacked when others were worshiping",Normal +2920,/ae/ Is Myne ready to be the highest viewers of mv aespa again or not? ️,Normal +2921,Yoongi te amo,Normal +2922,there's nothing pretty,Normal +2923,"To date, 3500 species of cockroaches have been identified worldwide, experts believe about 5000 species have not been described ##pest control",Normal +2924,Got a gift from fujifilm grgr video kmrn fyp😂,Normal +2925,"those who protest are mostly internal fans, aren't they?? thank you, come on",Normal +2926,long time no hear the strokes,Normal +2927,"My minus during Kulon has increased, I haven't had time to check, I can only feel it.. I'm so tired of crying minus I was looking at my eyes and saw red lines like that (?) I want to rest but today there is a webinar.....",Normal +2928,anyone looking for pc haechan we boom? we ver 111.850 clean ch,Normal +2929,please don't lose,Normal +2930,"yewww you eat a plant, ley.",Normal +2931,Nuremberg 2.0,Normal +2932,Are there any Twitter residents who live next door to me? .-jakut whistle,Normal +2933,"I want to take a bath with my neighbour, I WOULD WHIST THE QINGYUN PEAK DOG OST",Normal +2934,OH GOD WANT TO FOLLOW WHO ELSE FORGETS TO UNAME THE REST,Normal +2935,Day 16 Results: WPG3-1BOS CGY0-5VGK CAR2-1BUF,Normal +2936,Yess..marriage leave has been approved â…,Normal +2937,"be yourself. You can't be someone else and other people can't be you. Yes, because no one wants to be you",Normal +2938,a3raf wahda fakra en deban bethom byhbha bgd,Normal +2939,For what you just found out Goizza twins,Normal +2940,It hurts so much calfsssss,Normal +2941,"Hadeuh, the issue is still going well. No wonder the scramble to be a healer.",Normal +2942,niga nomu acawo rip,Normal +2943,"Why do you think eren is trending, it turns out hmm",Normal +2944,"""I have tf ya"" is a love language. ❤",Normal +2945,"“I'm with you,†words that I rarely hear (again) wkwkwk",Normal +2946,"suddenly ""I forgot how to make an email...",Normal +2947,Damn I swear I can't read on the ipad afraid of not working clean,Normal +2948,The mall is busy.. .The market is busy.. .The streets are busy.. ..But the mosque is getting quiet.. ..The creatures want Eid..,Normal +2949,"I want to write a story but I'm confused about the plot. want to make an outline, lazy. but if you don't use an outline, it will spread everywhere ©",Normal +2950,Overslept until you forgot to be absent ️,Normal +2951,"Indeed, if you are in this position, you complain and seek defense from the best papa. let's not argue later.",Normal +2952,dude! what time is doom at your service airing today?,Normal +2953,bwbida do krl,Normal +2954,Pile up puk puk,Normal +2955,Day 15 Results: BUF1-2BOS CGY3-1CHI CAR7-4CBJ COL4-1DAL DET0-4EDM FLA2-1LA MIN2-1NAS MON4-1NJ NYI2-2NYR OTT5-2PIT PHI2-1SJ ARI3-3STL TB1-3TOR VGK1-1WAS VAN3-2ANA,Normal +2956,He da kanka,Normal +2957,"Travel is appreciating life, loving life, celebrating life, giving meaning to every minute, every second, and every breath...#Ramadhan28",Normal +2958,this time there are many bucin stories that can't be shared hihi,Normal +2959,want to splurge but the money left is 2 million :),Normal +2960,"heh I just woke up , what have you missed?",Normal +2961,"#Hatred Food Trivia: Natto, and anything that tastes sweet",Normal +2962,Ve um shrek aq dboas,Normal +2963,oh my god I can't wait to hear the full song huhuhuhu my ears are itchy so much I want to listen to it,Normal +2964,Old spirit ✊🠻,Normal +2965,in the morning my eyes are puffy like I've been punched hhhh,Normal +2966,Tuhhh won't get me,Normal +2967,Interpark hasn't got any notification what can be corrected?,Normal +2968,Hopefully this matkul is off PLIS.,Normal +2969,Monday is the happiest day :),Normal +2970,new dn and @ uwu,Normal +2971,Allah created us not for us to be tormented even though the outward appearance looks tormented. Trust me. Duk ckp to yourself too.,Normal +2972,How stupid am I walking 2-3 kilos while fasting like this,Normal +2973,"When people think of Eid clothes, Eid cakes, I think of Bangtan's comeback & This voting is really busy, right?",Normal +2974,WTF?! THERE IS A TAHFIDZ TEST IN MY SCHOOL AND I HAVEN'T KNOW ANYONE,Normal +2975,"If you're bored, leave. Don't hold on because it's too bad :)",Normal +2976,"I want to make another account, this account has been ogled",Normal +2977,Talag pond?,Normal +2978,Open cv withdraw Paypal..â rate 13.800-13.900.â fnf/local account. co idr web balance convert transfer disburse funds selling funds for buying and selling trusted trusted services #zonauang #zonaba,Normal +2979,Don't,Normal +2980,vakwee dukedom,Normal +2981,"8cCH_NPwQJ1B,!t",Normal +2982,mucho jyp en mi tl,Normal +2983,WANT TO MEET THE BANK,Normal +2984,"it feels like it's on on both accounts, it's not good to have to switch accounts continuously😔",Normal +2985,AKHSSHSGGSGSGSSGSG DEG AN VERY DEG AJDGSHSGGSGSGS,Normal +2986,"I'm glad I didn't sleep since last night, I can say goodbye too€ I can't sleep, I'm so emotional",Normal +2987,"I'm really ashamed that I found out that I'm not fasting, woi, my brother, JNE courier, hdeuh :')",Normal +2988,YEYYY MAY 10!!! I'm ready to receive thr in the form of Hot Sauce album,Normal +2989,SAY WHAT TO DREAMIES?!,Normal +2990,ni-ki brilliant,Normal +2991,"What do I get B, if my quiz is wrong, it's in vain… kimek. faci hate me to?",Normal +2992,"Can't imagine the distribution lineðŸ'”ðŸ'”ðŸ'”ðŸ'”ðŸ'”ðŸ'”ðŸ'” chaeyoung, dahyun, jeongyeon, momoðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ'”ðŸ'”ðŸ'”",Normal +2993,Hah.. What's wrong,Normal +2994,I still can't believe that the full album will be released today,Normal +2995,F seba,Normal +2996,"is it good if the header is gg, then ava is great? keep it balanced :)",Normal +2997,"If you are not good at school, at least be useful at home and in society.",Normal +2998,today's atz kid preview is so cute :(,Normal +2999,AWESOME DREAMIES,Normal +3000,It's the fear of losing that makes me jealous too much,Normal +3001,"I just woke up but I'm tired, what's the sign?",Normal +3002,"It hurts a girl when she doesn't fight with her boyfriend's brother, doesn't love her boyfriend. It's just that you don't talk about Samsek like you don't know even though you're at home ™‚",Normal +3003,Wtb dk grid😔😔✋,Normal +3004,Soon Lebaran tasks even more what does it mean,Normal +3005,"oh, dream is really cool!",Normal +3006,"what's up boss, I'm about to go on leave, thanks",Normal +3007,Data Vouchers & Premium Apps,Normal +3008,I'm lazy to complain about it ba ihh,Normal +3009,I spend money. But all things are subject to transfer. Hmmmm hahah »â€ ♀ï¸,Normal +3010,"Euy for those of you who helped me yesterday when I fell on the internet, thank you very much for playing twt ' »",Normal +3011,My thoughts,Normal +3012,"Alhamdulillah, sister-in-law's turn has been completed. My turn will follow next month",Normal +3013,ryujin y yeji mis mujeres,Normal +3014,"Make fun of my nephew ""I won't pass Lebaran if the person isn't fasting"" I don't know if I boomerang on myself, I don't pass Eid because I'm typhus :)",Normal +3015,AAAAAA CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEIR REACTION ON THE VLIVE,Normal +3016,Bueno Bangchan es tu momento BANGCHAN SEO DE LA JYP!!!!!!!!,Normal +3017,"Those who want to play gopay suwit, come on, rep, there are still slots.",Normal +3018,"yesterday, J said ""happy mothers day to your mom"" and then when I went to the mosque….ðŸ'§: I , '©: mama.ðŸ'§: I said happy mother's day to mama.ðŸ'© : (silence) what? stupid? .ðŸ'§: babaturan ti ph (diem) .ðŸ'©: oalah happy for you too (laughs) nah in indonesia henteu?",Normal +3019,I miss junho... I miss drippin too,Normal +3020,"bro, need inact y18 - y20, want to see how much t is, please tell me pl guys",Normal +3021,morning!,Normal +3022,"Just go ahead, come down then follow me",Normal +3023,all men do is lie. unlucky he doesn't know meliodas,Normal +3024,"so it's cool while trying to melt the different atmosphere, it's thin, after that, it's just the one who responds, it feels so flat",Normal +3025,I really like changing ava yh,Normal +3026,"For sure.... You will always be in my heart.... Come back when you are tired, I am still here waiting for you..",Normal +3027,It's weird,Normal +3028,"I'm 25 but I don't have anything even though I've been working for 2 years. But, thank God, my parents' installments are gradually decreasing and we can help the sisters in the village. #age25",Normal +3029,kenjaku backstory when â,Normal +3030,"Happy people want to celebrate, I'm nervous to celebrate £",Normal +3031,"Ask for help please, just tweet",Normal +3032,"Morning guys, what are you doing today? I'm not sure what to do.",Normal +3033,"if you put the child's name ""Astra Zeneca"" it's good too",Normal +3034,"TAKE A LITTLE Tissue, be sad for a long time",Normal +3035,"just woke up, morning",Normal +3036,POV to be someone's wife,Normal +3037,Happy Mondayâ€ï¸. Happy holidays to those who are already on vacation~,Normal +3038,"It's all right, Al, cak, Gina's clarity, want to take the trouble... Your mom is good at telling me so that Al learns how to act first.",Normal +3039,"Ningning, I'm waiting for you",Normal +3040,"Is today's weto, Mrs. Nanik, isn't it. Her behavior is really annoying today. I swear",Normal +3041,"It's okay to say that you can't be joked around, the important thing is that you never insult or insult your own idol.",Normal +3042,"Who's the area once, just me, let's la raya fellow",Normal +3043,I don't know this...??,Normal +3044,Cie who has started to work to prepare for Eid,Normal +3045,Waking up reading the group makes you emotional,Normal +3046,want to watch the musical again :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((,Normal +3047,"Mager, where's my stuck email, what should I do?",Normal +3048,"It's useless for Eid to buy new clothes if you can't spend Eid with your big family, you can't show off the new clothes",Normal +3049,do you have gas?,Normal +3050,"[cm] Oh yes, I'm really confused that my final project has been sent to Dospem 2, while I have changed the contents again. Just wait for the revision or just send the changes again. Please advise guys :(",Normal +3051,the trending is 7l instead of 71 wkwkwk,Normal +3052,I'm so stressed I lost weight,Normal +3053,Share across regions,Normal +3054,"Mutual? Gass, those who like jbjb, let's be mutual with me, help rt/like, sis, thx <3",Normal +3055,"Coming home is never simple, coming home is never ordinary. Excited for those of you who don't come home for Eid this time",Normal +3056,Peyut,Normal +3057,Gluruk without reinforcements.. Lanjotttt...,Normal +3058,JENDRA COME BECOME MY FRIEND. TROUBLESHOOTING ANJRIT ”,Normal +3059,Leathered horse,Normal +3060,"hm, I'm not broken, then I'm broken, look at the status of broken people ™",Normal +3061,"dokfess! Brothers who are FK PTN, do you have another psychological test or not? If it's a health test, what are you checking, Sis? Thank you",Normal +3062,why can't shopee pay online Maybank2u? strange 🤔,Normal +3063,I'm tired of being there,Normal +3064,"no one knows the strategy, just follow it, it's really hard",Normal +3065,VERY PROUD OF DREAM🥺🥺🥺🥺ðŸ'˜ðŸ'˜,Normal +3066,Are frequent typos an indication to immediately change your cellphone?,Normal +3067,Arep the style of the piye iki Gusti model. I gave up completely kblasuk i. Playback by ora?,Normal +3068,want to cry,Normal +3069,"It's not long before the rebellious people don't understand covid, not covid",Normal +3070,physics is driving me crazyâ,Normal +3071,"And it turns out that I hang my fun in someone's hands, so when those people leave, I'm a mess🙃 wkk",Normal +3072,yes or no na nga lang hindi pa magawang sagutan AISHSJANSJKSSN,Normal +3073,Look at the polar bear remember io,Normal +3074,You can be late,Normal +3075,"People say it's really good to be the youngest child. Yee, they just don't know, you are so big that you bear all the family problems. The heyday of parents has also passed.",Normal +3076,"he said the government doesn't allow shopee to sell goods from abroad anymore, what's the fate of the fancy clothes in my shopee basket?",Normal +3077,"Be patient like Bango. No matter how high he flies, he becomes soy sauce",Normal +3078,"hello, if you go through, you can tag this account, it doesn't take yellow days because the problem is",Normal +3079,It's so comfortable to eat cold meatballs. Where is salty,Normal +3080,BMHDCQTAQNSLAHSTYSQUCTHPMPAM,Normal +3081,"When I buy Rowoon's perfume, I just make it look like it's just a bitch",Normal +3082,"After Eid Al-Fitr, you have to take it for um and pk genti™„ðŸ˜",Normal +3083,"BBMA vote today, right? when does it start?",Normal +3084,Sleepy can't talk about this,Normal +3085,"ml! if 4 round 1st place and 1st round 2nd place, approximately how much dm do you get?",Normal +3086,"beyb does anyone know the deal on the price of apprem or not? Please reply, I'll dm you later to ask more",Normal +3087,My mother is angry because I don't have a boyfriend,Normal +3088,"If something is complicated, why should it be simple? If you can already eat buffet, why do you have to prepare hampers already, wkwkwkwk",Normal +3089,It's bad that adoi's acne is ready to have a scratched wound »,Normal +3090,"Hiiii new bestiess '‹ðŸ'‹ check pinned me yu , let's meet ©ðŸ˜˜",Normal +3091,Aha man chada mangape unya beeeh ☕ï¸,Normal +3092,you know how annoying sm io is,Normal +3093,"I want to watch, come with me?",Normal +3094,"I'm not scared, but in the past I dreamed of an apocalyptic world because of covid",Normal +3095,Frio p krl,Normal +3096,JAEMIN I CAN'T WAIT VERY I swear,Normal +3097,"When your cigarettes are different, please share, I'll try one.",Normal +3098,"i would prefer not to if not you aaak >,<",Normal +3099,"Okay, I just woke up and I have a lot of notification lines on Twitter, I have a headache",Normal +3100,Si Kang Ha Na is clearly very upset w,Normal +3101,i miss dahyunðŸ'”,Normal +3102,Why are most public teachers old?,Normal +3103,"Now the headache is not just one side, that's all",Normal +3104,Already auto Eid wearing old clothes 🤠£ package stray far,Normal +3105,"If it's because of Karen, it's good to read, calm down, the plot isn't too heavy LAHH THIS??",Normal +3106,"Close jam, close jam, want to go fast",Normal +3107,Jiaaah it's so weird I can't accept the reality,Normal +3108,svt relapsed when my sim and motorbike tax ran out next month too :),Normal +3109,That character is really attached. Can't be changed.,Normal +3110,"Hello, I want to ask what date is Selena's stun skin coming out? Ml!",Normal +3111,"woke up, looked up, said “how come my hair style is like that of a young wife?â€",Normal +3112,"because young people have a contra opinion, it's considered disrespectful to old people wkwkwk",Normal +3113,"Oh my god, I'm so stupid, I'm taking the exam, even where my voice is leaking into zoom IHHHHH I'm not afraid of being scolded by the lecturer BUT SHOULD BE SO SHAME",Normal +3114,No lie is as smooth as Cherrybelle's thighs. -Gn114Master,Normal +3115,I have to eat so I don't fall asleep,Normal +3116,"Why are there people looking for work but asking ""do you have money for cigarettes?"".",Normal +3117,Agang teething dzai,Normal +3118,"I'm so sorry for the old lady :( then it's good again to explain. Cheer up, madam, I wish you the best",Normal +3119,"lrt …‡ã…ˆ, how's the song going back under the guise of religion if you've read the lyrics <",Normal +3264,"Through the Jagorawi toll road on the Jakarta route, which used to have a sloping toll gate, I saw a lot of accidents, until a car overturned.. just look past it.. horrified",Normal +3265,I want to do the job of trimming but I'm afraid of doing the wrong job again,Normal +3266,Awkward if you're just Malay here,Normal +3267,Falling down at last,Normal +3268,I want to do the assignment first so that in the afternoon I can focus on streaming🙂,Normal +3269,I'm emotional,Normal +3270,bb teeth ðŸ˜,Normal +3271,slr first while on duty,Normal +3272,don't be locked after unlocking,Normal +3273,"the bunny is so cute, isn't it like no one is naughty",Normal +3274,"Last night there was a story about Derai near tv3, at first I didn't know the title of the story. I asked my sister. ""What story is this?"". With confidence he answered...""Jealous"".............🤦†♀🤦†♀",Normal +3275,edi there lahat,Normal +3276,Chataaa,Normal +3277,"Why is this tweet, why is it that every time I like a tweet it gets so often unlike???",Normal +3278,it's time for namatin s2 girl from nowhere,Normal +3279,sed kerk afkark ki lkhra,Normal +3280,there are people,Normal +3281,"The flash is 5 minutes, remind me hmmmmm. ❤",Normal +3282,ok done! 'š,Normal +3283,Dikta has Nadhira. Jeno is mine.😼â˜,Normal +3284,want to go to buy a straightener,Normal +3285,Read AU so you don't get tensed,Normal +3286,"Trying to be good ""just when it's right"" it's not easy to fall :(",Normal +3287,just give up,Normal +3288,"Do you really want to be dating, are you sure that the relationship will end up getting married?",Normal +3289,"Believe it or not, from the beginning of fasting until now, I haven't tasted bukber",Normal +3290,"Even though I can't make a pilgrimage for this Raya, I still want to take a long leave because I want to sit and shake my legs at Netflix, I don't want to be busy washing the dishes on this Hari Raya!!!!",Normal +3291,Nah no me creo lo de jyp,Normal +3292,It's time to go to a watch repairman. fix bedtime.,Normal +3293,Last day before long holiday!!!! Must be excited '•,Normal +3294,Ya Allah I can't smell cigarette smoke,Normal +3295,Alhamdulillah..,Normal +3296,it's cool to have school holidays ™,Normal +3297,"even though it's just a vanilla latte but why is it strong until the morning, after that it looks like a panda",Normal +3298,Lahai Cikgu.. I'm tired of trying to grow up for a member of usya,Normal +3299,"btw, how are you my ex?",Normal +3300,"Guess who wants to go home in the morning but is afraid of what happened last night again? Yep, your one and only aykal.",Normal +3301,YOU'RE CRAZY,Normal +3302,toda otaku eh bonita nunca vi uma otaku pheya na vida,Normal +3303,But really this govt when it comes to uhuy2's business it's really fast,Normal +3304,"enough I understand my struggle, dadi esemmu ning uripmu",Normal +3305,What color brackets shirt is the old one this year? I want to buy this,Normal +3306,No one has sent the mfs yet... it's best if it hasn't been late,Normal +3307,"If people have the right not to like or hate what we do, it means that we also have the right to do what we like. As long as it doesn't harm other people.",Normal +3308,can you delete the reply with the uname,Normal +3309,"Selling okay selling crackers, get a little side income. A lot of bethol brought it earlier so mak cik kerepek jap earlier",Normal +3310,I already guessed that starting at 9 o'clock it was for all the participants I'm not surprised,Normal +3311,"Opam(ovsinim)ni 4 yoshli qizchasi doim meng qarab: ""men ham kelinchak bo'lsam sochimni malla qilaman"" deyaveradiðŸ˜",Normal +3312,I'm so bored rei doesn't wake up ²,Normal +3313,"People say that life revolves, one day we will feel pleasure and pain. So make sure your sadness now is your happiness later",Normal +3314,Why didn't my package arrive?,Normal +3315,"Mamas offered a robe, but I already have a lot of robes, and I don't need to buy more. It's also not good to buy it, but I'm not happy when the item arrives.",Normal +3316,"twask! hello, I've just created an account, anyone wants to be mutual? I collect Jihyo",Normal +3317,"he said the mascara had a natural finish, but when i applied it to my lashes the fall wasn't natural anymore, it's annoying so I have to apply it again and then it looks natural huhu",Normal +3318,Oops I'm excited AAAAA,Normal +3319,Want a syringe,Normal +3320,please continue to sleep again,Normal +3321,"I said these betoi2. If I'm the education minister and I'm told by the head of the Ain school to post like an illegitimate child, I'll continue to transfer him to Sarawak as a regular teacher.",Normal +3322,"Aurel announced that her pregnancy was endorsed, lest the birth will be broadcast on live TV🙃",Normal +3323,Nausea,Normal +3324,Ni-ki brilliant,Normal +3325,"Lek not Poso jam yahmene is not flexible, try lek poso wes melung² weteng",Normal +3326,"Unfortunately, the live didn't have time to save because it ended by itself 😂 2 hours or more I didn't live feeling the feeling was cracked, with 3 members 4 people supported until the live ended",Normal +3327,"Keep dreaming and wishing, because who knows one day your dreams will come true.",Normal +3328,so proud of dreamies,Normal +3329,mrie we drop daily templates before continuing activities🙠™,Normal +3330,"Just realized that this Eid holiday is only 5 days and it's already full with events, it's free only on Sundays and the next day you go to work🙃🙃🙃",Normal +3331,bntr this tea turns out there are mutual friends from 08l and below?,Normal +3332,SHAME IT WRONG TO PASTE THE NI-KI TEMPLATE TO NCTBASE WKWK,Normal +3333,bismillah po pc smglobal,Normal +3334,Everybody at Kalahari okay moms °,Normal +3335,I hope and hope.,Normal +3336,whose name is not very clear,Normal +3337,Ningning red hair isn't it in the teaser,Normal +3338,"Crazy dreamies, really cute",Normal +3339,"If given the opportunity for 1 wish for Eid this year, I just want Eid to be able to gather a complete family. nothing more",Normal +3340,"Hello everyone, since I've been charged with Shopee, I've received an admin fee, every time I buy an item via Shopee, I'm charged 1.6%... That means, if I'm full co at Shopee, I'll be subject to an even bigger admin fee. Example:.Buy a 400k pc & 5k packing fee. So, admin fee is 405k x 1.6% = Rp. 6480..(Continued below)",Normal +3341,"Hang me like this. I'm doc mamai again, I've had to face a basic question. If you hang asking the question, you can't do it because you can't do it, and you can't even settle it when you ask someone else. Okay, I'm accepted. Siye laaaa",Normal +3342,"Um debate sobre Pipoca com Sazón, com Backcourt Brasil e Backcourt Brasil.",Normal +3343,WANT TO HOLIDAY BUT MY LECTURER GIVES A TASK...it doesn't feel right,Normal +3344,"The first time I saw Lee Min Ho was in the DRM Boys Before Flowers, which was on RCTI a long time ago when it was 5th grade , please go to school directly, stay in front of the TV because the drama was on at 2-3 hours later, Lee Min Ho immediately went to recite the Koran, remember he was the one who make me a kpop leader until now #LMH_15th_Anniversary",Normal +3345,"The effect of eating cough medicine earlier, he was double sleepy.",Normal +3346,"who has the French league also shared the points last night. PSG's chances of winning the title began to widen, but the gift of goals from Neymar last night indicated that he was ready to continue serving at PSG after getting a new contract that ended in June 2025.",Normal +3347,Ye kejri kya lodu admi hi....har baat mai problem hi....roj PC leke RR karne aajata hi,Normal +3348,"You know that from the beginning of fasting, if you eat breakfast, eat potatoes so you don't get hungry easily ™ƒðŸ™ƒ",Normal +3349,Dasom here who is there?? (â•â˜žÂ´à¸´âˆ€Â´à¸´)â•â˜ž,Normal +3350,I read yesterday that it was more suitable for Fukunaga to be the captain,Normal +3351,"When your success is delayed, don't despair, get up immediately and say: ""I can and will never give up",Normal +3352,7.5 hours to go,Normal +3353,"If I want to buy a memory card, any suggestions, is it worth Samsung or Sandisk? Thank you",Normal +3354,"Mbok tulong nek takon ""Why don't you go to college, are you dadi opo?"" Kui, when we're both together, when it's crowded, your wedi pie pitakonan doesn't look good. ""Why are you in college, wes dadi opo?""",Normal +3355,jyp ft diomedes,Normal +3356,"So handsome, it's unclean even though my face looks like it's runny",Normal +3357,never mind k,Normal +3358,"coding mom with thr, good luck",Normal +3359,I'm so proud I'm crying,Normal +3360,"Random thought this morning.. After using skincare and then fan, the skin care that dries really absorbs or does it evaporate?",Normal +3361,scam plant 10 am,Normal +3362,usn i'm so weird,Normal +3363,let's drop again for brother!,Normal +3364,"I'm really confident that my wedding ring will fit, it turns out that 4kg is as bad as it is on a finger.",Normal +3365,"For me, Super Junior is water~ always needed by everyone, that's how I need Super Junior every day -YESUNG-",Normal +3366,"Whatever you do, intend to worship.. Cheer up ya â",Normal +3367,OMGOMGHKNSHSGSGS OMGGG MYAAAA MYAAAA IS HERE OSMHSGSGSGSGGSSH OMGGG,Normal +3368,"find yourself completely, be yourself completely, until finally you can say, ""I swear, yes, I love myself so much!""..be proud because you have youuuuu.",Normal +3369,"why girls' rooms are often dirty:. Because a lot of garbageâ . Because a lot of hair loss, chapped lips, dry throat, frequent tingling, dizzy eyes…",Normal +3370,Good luck off high,Normal +3371,yes now i'm moawajjunie and ningdungies,Normal +3372,"Do you want to see dreamiesss crying happily, because I myself have been flooded with happy tears",Normal +3373,holiday but full of work hahwugsjasg ·ðŸ'‹ðŸ »,Normal +3374,want to change uname but what y,Normal +3375,"I'm sorry, friends, my account has a limit and then I keep resting until I forget to have this sksk account",Normal +3376,Why is seungcheol so cute,Normal +3377,From gold I freefall to silver I in 2 hours. GreatðŸ' »,Normal +3378,Thank God,Normal +3379,"Really stubborn, even self-indulgent hhhh",Normal +3380,SO MUCH GASIH????.1.71 million........,Normal +3381,overslept just right nlp boss😔ðŸ',Normal +3382,Bismillah,Normal +3383,Eid thursday or friday,Normal +3384,IYS ASTRONOMYYYY,Normal +3385,it's the 10th now,Normal +3386,Hurry up Tuesday to take this leave,Normal +3387,HOT BET,Normal +3388,Want to misuh. Misuhâ˜,Normal +3389,"Yes, Pdip corruptors again.... hadeh hadeh hadeh... the leader of his party even though the Pancasila ideology development board... just get up the cadres themselves can't be educated, they pretend to want to educate all over Indonesia",Normal +3390,via gk frens?,Normal +3391,"It's really annoying that the lecturer doesn't give homework, really appreciates my time offðŸ'•ðŸ'•",Normal +3392,"on the vows, the number of members is kkkkkkkkkkkkkk do i have to join kkkkkkkkkk",Normal +3393,"No need to be busy to be better than others, but busy to try to be better than yesterday's #BerjuangTegakkanSyariah.☠•‹â˜ . #CBZV4",Normal +3394,Back to codm,Normal +3395,"Watching the fansign, you can go online, you can go offline, but it makes you feel bad.........ðŸ'”",Normal +3396,Day 28/30 Al Akbar ²ðŸ ™ #sahur,Normal +3397,"From here, you can see which ones are true, which are sincere, which are good, if you want it, it's like wearing a mask ""PARASITE"" 🥴🤪",Normal +3398,"Many other things for this year's Raya, I can buy telekung for mom, kurta for dad, Raya cake for brothers and how many Ramadan iftar desserts does that mean, all of that from my small business money, thank you Allah :')",Normal +3399,Slr for a moment ok™,Normal +3400,Arresting the regent of suspected corruption ahead of Eid. Not nationally minded!,Normal +3401,FHCUKH,Normal +3402,be honest if you like me h3h3,Normal +3403,"Sometimes happiness is not because of love, not because of money. Happiness is when our parents smile happily when we are successful..#quotesindonesia #quotesoftheday #twit #quotesdaily",Normal +3404,"Honestly, what I'm thinking now is how many versions of the album will I be able to buy and how many versions€",Normal +3405,owouwuowouwu,Normal +3406,"Seriously, what kind of sorting place is my package being held in?",Normal +3407,the first one still sucks if you continue the previous plot,Normal +3408,This is the day I've been waiting for,Normal +3409,"It's so hot, is it just me?®â€ '¨ðŸ˜®â€ '¨",Normal +3410,It's good if you get soto ©,Normal +3411,"When you are married you are asked when you are pregnant â . When you are married, you are asked whether you want to have children or not â….. Humans are increasingly wanting to love God, aren't they? The question is just like asking ""when are you going to die?"" :""",Normal +3412,"If you become an official, it's better to take a photo with ""sacred Kyai (who is away from office/worldly)"".... For example, if there is a temptation to be corrupt/unjust, you will still think over and over again that your actions will ""stain"" the name of the kyai... .",Normal +3413,"really sleep after dawn, the dreams are always random. I just never dreamed that there was an obsession remake version, so there was Xiumin and Kyungsoo. So, right at the beginning, I want you, it's only cy's choreo that's lying down, then it's vediri gt, now all of these make up AND THERE'S A LAY WITH THE DRAGON PLIS????",Normal +3414,how to qur susto,Normal +3415,sp mwuu like tiktok ak? just posted this,Normal +3416,Still can't fast with mom shinobu btw ^^,Normal +4214,"Later, I'll fold my clothes again, I'll raise the HT Dream hehe",Normal +4215,Ah my bowl,Normal +4216,"“Even though I have to risk my life, I have to protect you.†Heechul said to Donghae.",Normal +4217,teel is filled with business,Normal +4218,It's been a long time since the status of the crediting process tok,Normal +4219,QLDHDKSH VERY PROUD OF DREAM PEN CRYING,Normal +4220,Book pen😩,Normal +4221,I hope I don't flop,Normal +4222,"but I really lost 90% interest in this world... the hype is all I want, if I remember, I'll do it, if not, then let's open an LMS (even though I actually spit it out)",Normal +4223,ohhhh cool,Normal +4224,"It's sad that I haven't been active on Twitter for a long time... So sorry everyone. I have a thesis, I'm not ready anymore .. Surely you guys remember yon??",Normal +4225,next month 25 years :(,Normal +4226,Drowsykkkkkkkk arhhhhhhhh,Normal +4227,KAEYA MY HUSBAND,Normal +4228,Sleepy.,Normal +4229,I want to sleep but it's cloudy outside. No one picks up the laundry wkwkwk,Normal +4230,KWWKKWKW YAALLAH TIRED FROM YESTERDAY BENJI LAUGHTER,Normal +4231,"Let's be enthusiastic about work (typing while lying down, waking up, haven't had time to drool yet)",Normal +4232,"MY DOGGGGG CAT TAKEN A NEIGHBORHOOD. ALTHOUGH I'M NOT A CAT BRACE, BUT I LOVE THE FOODS ???????? ""His name is also a child, he likes cats"" FUCKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK",Normal +4233,hhfuekxbufidjs,Normal +4234,#twitterforiphone gang,Normal +4235,Starting to get emotional waiting for people for almost an hour to not show up,Normal +4236,"After being sick yesterday, I just found out how great the blessings of health that God has given me for free... may we always be grateful servants",Normal +4237,"Le ngancani when it's hard to be sopo, how come Saiki Meh met We Angel, really caring",Normal +4238,Kise nu rwa k hasseya ta ki hasseya...Dukh v bol k dseya ta ki dseya!!.â™¥ï¸ â™¥ï¸ ™ ™,Normal +4239,"Cindy is so stupid, topup gopay to people's numbers",Normal +4240,"It's crazy to sleep without a break, I'm really good",Normal +4241,"let's break into the MV views too, dreamy spirit!!",Normal +4242,"Break or not, edi break.",Normal +4243,yawa ho,Normal +4244,Have you done zakat yet?,Normal +4245,"Bismillah, it's good to be Dobby. You can, zan. Tired of being Jihoon. ❤",Normal +4246,"My sister is ready to buy chicken rendang in a tin if she knows I want to come back sometime. How many times has he been in someone's birthday this year, his brothers and sisters have not each other. With pkp you can't go to opah's house again",Normal +4247,"It's really good after I wake up, I don't sleep anymore, so it's really good",Normal +4248,"I mean, why do you have to comment physically.",Normal +4249,"Actually, I'm a bit confused with people who are sotoy and arrogant :†â€",Normal +4250,Jeng kreng walking weekend-kuantan,Normal +4251,morning young boy,Normal +4252,"Good leader showing the good behavior, now I see it's like a crab teaching children to walk straight, lol",Normal +4253,Please come feeling like rayoo,Normal +4254,"Yes, I do not expect much and expect anything from this relationship. Being able to understand each other and being a good listener is enough.",Normal +4255,"I want to focus on voting and focus on Eid, guys. So I will rarely on/jbjb hikd. Don't forget me :(",Normal +4256,tomorrow..,Normal +4257,It's only 10 o'clock already hungry bye,Normal +4258,Ni-ki best boy ©,Normal +4259,ya AllahðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +4260,"Open paypal cv service ..✅ USD to IDR.✅ Rate 13900, Max $100 (no min).✅ BNI/DANA/SHOPEEPAY..Test check link in bio..#zonaaba #zonauang",Normal +4261,"Bismillah, I want to be naughty😔ðŸ™",Normal +4262,destroyed :),Normal +4263,It's been two years since I'm celebrating when I'm not a boy anymore,Normal +4264,"If this reaches 2 million sales, I'm not surprised",Normal +4265,"Koncoku looks smart, but why don't you know how to win the NBA po Serie A?",Normal +4266,KARAUSNO GANHOURUDUE DO CEU,Normal +4267,Demasiada carne,Normal +4268,"Come on, do you think you want to end or go back",Normal +4269,ndinxl ngk fkh,Normal +4270,I AM Shamu :),Normal +4271,But it's good that the A&W Ipoh Parade is open.,Normal +4272,"Sometimes I want to complain on social media, but I don't think it's appropriate to see the age and status of these gentlemen.",Normal +4273,"The day is getting closer...the heart is getting sad..the tears just well up when I remember...want to go back to the villageðŸ˜""",Normal +4274,"It's so sad, I said good morning and went straight to the lock, the fikri wkwkwkwkwkwkwk",Normal +4275,Papaya,Normal +4276,I'm cool what's there,Normal +4277,"I've read the patterns, every time I want to work on a project no matter how small the scale is, the universe is kidding I use a heart distracter, okay dude now I can't be defeated anymore.Let's see who's the winner",Normal +4278,I don't know why... it feels empty... so empty,Normal +4279,Yeayy tomorrow is a day off from work,Normal +4280,It's only 10:30 but I feel like breaking fast 😠Tired,Normal +4281,PutanGINA JIBEOM'S VCALS TALAGABS,Normal +4282,[cm] Has anyone ever made a landing page? Can I have a look for a reference? ..Intentionally looking for references outside of google hehe,Normal +4283,I hope I'm tired of fatigue today. Can sleep early.,Normal +4284,EH Q PEDO CON JYP,Normal +4285,"army, moa, engene mutualan or not? help rt/like",Normal +4286,Feladaputa,Normal +4287,"TEACHER GW WHY, IT ARRIVED, GIVE ME AN IMMEDIATE TEST.",Normal +4288,How do they express when you hear this HUHU CRYING CRY,Normal +4289,Why are you?,Normal +4290,"Hey, what is this person who has been sent on the task of Sunday LPS but said thank you for sending the date, the pound was wrong, ey",Normal +4291,"Wait a minute, why is this a dream??????!!",Normal +4292,"Wait for EXO to have a comeback, until SVTT I want a comeback already... the only group, the teaser/spoiler is more than a month old...",Normal +4293,"Ya Allah bkrah hada yfakerni serious 3al chat , I'm not",Normal +4294,"Congratulations to my friends who don't ask me to make tiktok, boomerangs, hands free videos when they are busy, don't ask me to do a tiktok, hands-free video...Just a formal photo after that.",Normal +4295,idm! Followers? rt - seulgi,Normal +4296,FOLL! Followers? rt - hyunjin,Normal +4297,"COT! those who are online, come on, friends, please dm! -F19 bdg",Normal +4298,Shift 7am-6pm doesn't really work. Just add salt,Normal +4299,30 minutes to teaser ningning,Normal +4300,want to hug and release,Normal +4301,I guess I regret insulting the burjek universe,Normal +4302,ampota mattress,Normal +4303,"'¹: Why is it, mas?. ”: Prikso is a clinic doctor.. '¹: Po ra duwe BPJS mas? If you pay, mas, it's better if you don't use BPJS, it's even free at the puskesmas.",Normal +4304,"I'm crazy about using the half finger henna and wearing a ring because later when you go to a shop or somewhere else, people will remember that I'm already married. I feel safe going to post",Normal +4305,haveeta,Normal +4306,"kyut hellooooo ni sir, hellooooo",Normal +4307,Can you help me with the HT login test? #moneyzone,Normal +4308,"oh my gosh I can finally feel 100 powerers😩 I just realized that his twitter playing is bad now, even though his account is already from 2k18ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜",Normal +4309,"Come on, jazz and suns, please kill the next 2 matches, gsw, so you can rank 9",Normal +4310,BROOOOOO KIM JIBEOOOMMMMM,Normal +4311,already miss mbah kakung :(((,Normal +4312,BOTS! Followers? RT - jisung,Normal +4313,Isn't it enough that you feel this LDR is really heavy. Isn't it beautiful when we meet and pour this longing together,Normal +4314,Ohhh Dreamies there will be content on MelonxSMing again and it will be divided into 2 episodes,Normal +4315,KUY! follower? rt - rose,Normal +4316,kill seventeen CB in June …â˜,Normal +4317,AOWWSKSMKSKDD JIBEOM,Normal +4318,Jibeom@sadsfsgdhjfkfl,Normal +4319,11 besos - Morat,Normal +4320,"yep, got it thr",Normal +4321,"Medet, wed...",Normal +4322,"I feel excited . Gosh, a little tremor",Normal +4323,Finally juju live on vlive on the 14th,Normal +4324,sherina is so beautiful,Normal +4325,"I'm not in the mood to tweet, sorry",Normal +4326,"The dream of missing home from the age of 12 years old with the last one and then wandering around on the street until finally found again with a 19 year old family. Wanted to reunite and eat something at a restaurant for the first time in 7 years, I woke up :(( it's so much fun :((",Normal +4327,"after cleaning a little, anyone going to unfollow?",Normal +4328,ni-ki best boy,Normal +4329,"DON'T TAKE THE POCKETS ARE OUT OF LEBARAN... Gaesss... It's already a finger count towards Lebaran... Yesterday, I would have done this and that. How about 'ammunition' for Eid?? Still left?",Normal +4330,suddenly want to be bcl,Normal +4331,,Normal +4332,"It feels like just yesterday..But, in fact it's (will) be over..#Ramadan",Normal +4333,"Pero si tamo solito mucho muah, muah, muah",Normal +4334,Hahaha,Normal +4335,come back be,Normal +4336,"I'm lazy, I want to serve your stupid fight, okay?",Normal +4337,ni-ki best boy,Normal +4338,duplo malte ainda ta rolandokkkk,Normal +4339,want to rest first don't unfollow yaa,Normal +4340,say no to ipa,Normal +4341,"Now, it's different.",Normal +4342,kape riyoyo why is it even called for a blood check,Normal +4343,"hype mamamoo, purple kiss is here. There, create a voting account",Normal +4344,very hiccup,Normal +4345,"They say that they have a new life, but they still like to complicate people's lives",Normal +4346,tired,Normal +4347,"Hey you, live long and healthy always. Good luck to you. Make it easy for you to choose what you want..",Normal +4348,Let's forget,Normal +4349,Selling spotify premium 1 month and 2 months. Can be activated with an extension. Just a low price,Normal +4350,woowoza,Normal +4351,"Madam, why are you crazy",Normal +4352,"Wow, already 1.7 million ±ðŸ˜±",Normal +4353,"The art of listening, not only by opening your ears, but also by closing your mouth",Normal +4354,"Is the necstar child jealous, am I still chatting with Inop?",Normal +4355,"Jing, my eyes are swollen from being bitten, is this really an ant or what?",Normal +4356,Work! Cheers for those of you who don't have a day off this Thursday/Friday & no vacation together. we are the same :'),Normal +4357,"zoo suggest df for kittens that smell a bit strong, please, I want to change from wf to df",Normal +4358,"It's okay if you send videos to a large family group, don't worry about me too, I'll be confused about the response",Normal +4359,Ben dahil tum liseli agalarimi rahat birakin pls.#BizimÄ°cinTekAcıklamaÄ°ptal,Normal +4360,Rex doop semper yurrr. Hurr derper volutpat sed. Urr derpa derp derp magna hrr hrr quisque. Derpor sic durr phasellus hurrdee. Tincidunt uhhh derp ultra nerp. Nerp nerp nerp derp duh tempus. Durr herp excior dictum sic cursus mi res burr bono sic.,Normal +4361,"sleep first ah, I hope you don't miss the mv",Normal +4362,futile queue,Normal +4363,"last night he had a dream, he also had a dream, what do you miss me :))",Normal +4364,"my grandma yo fill it in ah hahaha, laugh",Normal +4365,"Put full trust that humans are actually the simplest art for suffering, already born with treason - anonymous",Normal +4366,OH PLEASE HELP ME DONG THIS FEST IS STILL CRYING JAYWON,Normal +4367,"Sir, tuku Soto tripe, how are you, friend?",Normal +4368,Teteh teteh at the puskeswan cimahi really bitchy Ya Allah ²,Normal +4369,"how can you not be insecure, a friend wants to borrow money, I said there was no money, he didn't force me to believe it right away",Normal +4370,"Don't know if you drive today's trench to the sand barn, you won't be sleepy & want to sleep.ðŸ¤¦ðŸ »â€ â™€ï¸ ±ðŸ˜µ",Normal +4371,Asu jajajabkabakab,Normal +4372,I'm tired of being cornered by my parents from night until I wake up in the morning😀😀😀,Normal +4373,I'm so annoying man?!?!?!?,Normal +4374,kenjaku a freak,Normal +4375,I almost went too far to read AU :)),Normal +4376,How come people immediately get to know strangers,Normal +4377,Kelinoyi with so'z yoqadiâ,Normal +4378,ISP:ARTERIA(PPPoE).Server:IPA CyberLab.Date:2021/05/10 11:31.Ping:13ms.Download:138Mbps.Upload:86Mbps,Normal +4379,"Save first, hopefully there will be time.",Normal +4380,bntr let's tap tap heart again »ðŸ™€,Normal +4381,"heh, how could I have been standing in line to buy cucumber and then there was mom ""nudged me without excuse me. Where did my elbow hit it, 2 more times",Normal +4382,"So, please recommend a photo hunting place in SMG and its surroundings, please",Normal +4383,How many times have you had a hole in your fast? I've been fasting for a month and got hit by 2x obstacles I'm about to start Eid,Normal +4384,Let's hurry to school so we can watch or not read webtoons,Normal +4385,"Fasting month , see.@user2750754234042. Auto cancels fasting",Normal +4386,"When it comes to plagiarism, it won't be long, isn't it?",Normal +4387,eu paren ripeo jyp o no,Normal +4388,JY!P3 CHINGA TU MADRE,Normal +4389,This morning I was very quiet.,Normal +4390,"Beautiful forgiveness is to forgive without scolding, and beautiful patience is to be patient without complaining..(Ibn Taimiyah) ..#Strive to uphold Sharia. . #ORoA3",Normal +4391,"Just thinking: we used to be fine, why is it now like this huh? What's wrong with us?",Normal +4392,tsunami dream do,Normal +4393,"oh my god, I really feel inferior...",Normal +4394,rip jyp que,Normal +4395,Emta sohaby hyfhmo eny bkrah atklm call,Normal +4396,qiqil nyo dreamzens tangina nyo,Normal +4397,"Even the fasting month wants to retweet/tweet funny things. If you've been a demon for 11 months, what's wrong with that 1 month being good for a while.",Normal +4398,Gn mutissss,Normal +4399,hey there's another meeting,Normal +4400,where are my moods?,Normal +4401,woof arf meow aowoooowowowowo,Normal +4402,"If you really have to go to the ICU, it's okay, the important thing is to get better quickly and be healthy again",Normal +4403,Spotify.activation/renew..1 month : 15k.2 month : 18k.3 month : 22k.4 month : 28k.6 month : 42k..#zonauang #zonajajan,Normal +4404,"Such a good habit in a dark blue bank with a yellow pleret. Then here, in shock at the queue. Emotions that really explode",Normal +4405,AH~~~~~~~~~KA TSU TA BE TA I,Normal +4406,Layer cake,Normal +4407,Just found out there's a season 2 for girl from nowhere,Normal +4408,Tqm Antuna,Normal +4409,'€ð ''ð 'Ÿð 'Ÿð '¦-ð '—ð 'Žð '›ð ''..big deals huft confused about yeri or nana,Normal +4410,why do i want to go back to misfortune huh😖,Normal +4411,MK es tan raro,Normal +4412,It's so good to be a child e ™‚,Normal +4413,"user yooakgae, why is this stupid, ha ha, I'm asking you, why are you stupid, if I meet you on the side of the road, I step on it, why do I fold it in half, then I flush it in the pit of the toilet, why does it grow in the latrine",Normal +4414,The Messenger of Allah forbade people to eat or drink while standing. (HR. Muslim) #RamadanBulanPerjuangan,Normal +4415,"Want to gas, look at the vulnerable hours, okay or not",Normal +4416,SARAAAAAH —£,Normal +4417,"I don't want to stay up late anymore, I've only slept for 3 days at 1 am already exhausted 'ŽðŸ »",Normal +4418,morning –,Normal +4419,How come this game theory scares me?,Normal +4420,Hooooooooooooonk hOOonKK,Normal +4421,"declare goodness, declare goodness, declare His goodness to me♥",Normal +4422,"Oh, I want to buy too, I have moneyðŸ'ŽðŸ »",Normal +4423,a million moots i help rt pin sabi kali,Normal +4424,AYY STANDRY FOLLOW AYY,Normal +4425,"until you see it, how is the potential for dreamies, open your eyes",Normal +4426,I got angry,Normal +4427,"I just woke up, I've been slandered by anj, is it safe?",Normal +4428,"Wow, fb people, if you comment on my post in English, bro. I'm confused about how the answer will be if you use tagalog",Normal +4429,"Jisung cried, didn't he see the news this morning??🥺",Normal +4430,"It's been a long time I haven't had acne, once it comes out symmetrical on the forehead",Normal +4431,"hi gamon, tantine kmn :(",Normal +4432,"Since I've grown up, I've never gotten raya money. People always ask me. I want to join this raya money give away want to be a little slave back. Isn't that right? ️",Normal +4433,"Bismillah, if God really wants it to be over soon, it'll be over for sure cup",Normal +4434,"Humans plan, finances determine",Normal +4435,Bah KK🤡,Normal +4436,Is it bad if I cry?,Normal +4437,HUAA BLUE BLUE HAHAHHAHA SETIMMMM,Normal +4438,so wrong ah from earlier,Normal +4439,"Where is everyone(╯︵╰,)",Normal +4440,"Why is Agmin so funny, it's a pity that the people are also divided, it's better to just shut up, don't go anywhere. Better to talk about pigs or dogs",Normal +4441,"This Raya Sunday, I feel tired, I want to be tired.",Normal +4442,daeyeol ssengsuda next ☺,Normal +4443,"it's been a while ah, I haven't washed the clothes since earlier sksksksks",Normal +4444,this maintenance slave is terrible. It's 1030 still not in the office. Here's a representative for all of them. ha ha ha,Normal +4445,rest first ☠»,Normal +4446,"sch! seriously ask. If your classmate invites you to work in a group, when asked when, what time, etc., why don't you answer? have you read it already?",Normal +4447,it's been 2 weeks it turns out ²,Normal +4448,"fortunately I don't use my mother's cellphone, I can be lucky there so I can focus on voting. on this cellphone, it's a lot of nothing, especially now that I'm under work first :((",Normal +4449,"I'm strong how come I've been hanged so many times""😵",Normal +4450,Gm#rahulvaidya,Normal +4451,"Take care of the mood, ojo lali little bottle",Normal +4452,"There are people who send hampers who are jealous, because how come that friend got it... but he didn't. There are others who post that get hampers, then those who see the post think: Oh, how come he was given such and such, are you close? £ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£",Normal +4453,still padin w/dar ceng elai,Normal +4454,hadeh,Normal +4455,iu-my sea lyrics make me cry :(,Normal +4456,"hello, I'm looking for a mutual. all fandom esp nctzen wayzenni. if it's through your tl, please like/rt it, thank you",Normal +4457,The earth is getting stronger,Normal +4458,give me your mutual that doesn't matter I'm a concrete mental hoshis 😠🙠™ ™,Normal +4459,"Every job has its own risks and challenges, so don't be afraid to feel the most oppressed",Normal +4460,"Oh god, even though I was expecting Naoya or Yuta to be the cover of vol 16 ©",Normal +4461,"The plan for the extension also failed, the slots are full🙂ðŸ˜",Normal +4462,hiiii how are you? Is the fast going smoothly? ..-Rein.,Normal +4463,I'm jealous of people who have started their day off today,Normal +4464,tmask~ bene welcoll jaehyuk rë how much is ady ina? as séller @.rutopjw,Normal +4465,"Is there any PDI-P. South East Java is safe, okay? Deingi.. but saiki..",Normal +4466,oh i'm touched,Normal +4467,Let's get excited about the streaming later. 50M sabi lah🌚🔥🔥🔥,Normal +4468,those who want cb w who are dag dig dug ser ”¥ðŸ'¹,Normal +4469,Sneezing is thought to be corona even though sneezing is sneezing because it smells poverty,Normal +4470,tauruses dni,Normal +4471,haha how dirty...,Normal +4472,yoyo bakayaro,Normal +4473,Multi Bsgsterm Dosjunction : 94cb4722-417d-491d-aa00-ba886eff122a,Normal +4474,Antuna HDSPTMS! â,Normal +4475,"Even though last night I got a signal, but since the money is tight, I don't want to let go. Eh even pump 80% anjroottttðŸ˜ðŸ”«",Normal +4476,just woke up... confused,Normal +4477,"Hoalah again fussing over the date,,,",Normal +4478,"try to be absent first or not, after the rest it's quiet",Normal +4479,gen 2 is hype right now,Normal +4480,Have you had a public school holiday yet?,Normal +4481,KIM JIBEOM ITO,Normal +4482,how can raline shah be beautiful like that,Normal +4483,"What's in doubt? In the past, when reso pt 1 was announced, it became a million seller when pre-orders also continued to directly increase the HT. Don't do a lot of denial.",Normal +4484,the cb was denied by pledut?,Normal +4485,ni-ki breathtaking,Normal +4486,COMO QUE MURIO JYP,Normal +4487,"haven't slept yet hoaaah, let's go to sleep first yaa :)..byeeee lopyu",Normal +4488,"Btw, if you are pregnant, can you have sex or not?",Normal +4489,"Rae's mother is so funny, this afternoon she invites you to eat meatballs",Normal +4490,even looking at the face feels like slack,Normal +4491,I'm still sleeping to be woken up to be told my sister's turn to sleep was not woken up instead told me â,Normal +4492,I want to try watching Girl From Nowhere but I'm afraid of going crazy.,Normal +4493,hbd John Brown,Normal +4494,"{mu} hair removal drug is it safe for the female area? If shaving makes it black and rough, the problem is :( What do you use to clean the lower hair?",Normal +4495,Ni-ki is very bfable c.Ni-ki is tall.Ni-ki is happy.Ni-ki is happy,Normal +4496,ni-ki why moots?,Normal +4497,"Hybe can't bear"".....🙂🙃",Normal +4498,"can you not take it to tiktok a little bit? less content, try it!",Normal +4499,I also could,Normal +4500,why is buckskin bugle not on spotify...,Normal +4501,Oh God why did I suddenly become gay,Normal +4502,NAMJOON PINK DONG,Normal +4503,"[BB] Guys, is there a basis for make-up like that? for skinkers, there is fw ms ss. So, is there any make-up? I'm just learning make up and I see there are so many friends, if there's a basic I want to learn slowly from the basics, thank you very much",Normal +4504,guys while you talk to me please,Normal +4505,"Someone hanged themselves, bro",Normal +4506,There will come a time when I really don't care about everything about you.,Normal +4507,Pisteng yawaaaa pota ma internet YAWA!!!!!!,Normal +4508,Even the rhythm of your heartbeat is so beautiful~ my all-in one,Normal +4509,I want to watch mukbank but I'm afraid I'll miss my gofood order,Normal +4510,Ava is so gloomy like my love story😔,Normal +4511,"Life is cheap, what is expensive is your prestige.",Normal +4512,"When the opening period came suddenly, ""Please choose a topic for the final test presentation"". Then the other group, ""Today, let's focus on discussing the details of the research, yes, the class material can be followed up"" ((when the proposal is not finished yet, it is not cross-checked, and I was told to make a ppt for presentation))",Normal +4513,"the more we mature, the birthday looks more like ordinary days in general",Normal +4514,sore,Normal +4515,"mrie become the bestie with me the way is polo I'll make sure the KUFB ENDS WE'LL INTERACT TRS MNJD BESTIE! esp nctzen wayzennie, yes, but if other fandoms are polo, please go to kufb. HELP RT YES",Normal +4516,kata,Normal +4517,you gave hope about... howouwo~,Normal +4518,"I've been given an exam schedule, okay?©",Normal +4519,Haechan you are so cool all your units are million sellersðŸ' »ðŸ' »,Normal +4520,roronoa zoro😩 send tweet,Normal +4521,so dizzy😔,Normal +4522,want to listen to ANL too,Normal +4523,yes eat noodles again,Normal +4524,clean bookmarks ach,Normal +4525,NOT FUNNY MORNING †Runny nose,Normal +4526,"The Malay name has gone up again, oh my, this is where we came from",Normal +4527,Old wounds reopen :),Normal +4528,still have cendol? drop your id want me to add..mine: bbaetiger,Normal +4529,1.7k flipbook pc pick it up pls pick it up,Normal +4530,"dreaming of taehyung, until i fell over in the dream grgr see him so gtg T_T",Normal +4531,ra yosi break,Normal +4532,"Foreigners come in the middle of the prohibition of going home?..Shakes head, what is the story?.Don't let the people rage and protest. People are willing to hold back on their families in the village for the sake of obeying the government.",Normal +4533,"The kebab through this is delicious. The way to cook it is simple, but you get the half kebab stuffed with compressed meat. Satisfied with eating. Vegetable pound is not crunchy. Cucumber with carrots only. Eat half and cup water pound already full. Below rm10 even if you want to walk at uptown time, there's no money.",Normal +4534,"It's messy, lazy",Normal +4535,ni-ki brilliant,Normal +4536,"When will the internet in Papua improve, I can't chat :(",Normal +4537,"Good morning, good people, if anyone wants it......",Normal +4538,QjBG9af1,Normal +4539,Already feel the closest. Even though there are closer,Normal +4540,"wake up, have a meeting. I'm a bit surprised, it's pretty good where did you oversleep, I was called by my office friends",Normal +4541,I'm drunk now,Normal +4542,"It's sad, when the electricity goes out while working on a laptop that relies on an electric plug",Normal +4543,I usually forget to be absentðŸ˜,Normal +4544,kk perdi,Normal +4545,.want to write,Normal +4546,hopefully today there will be more sustenance,Normal +4547,"Draco and Joy are afraid of Yasmine, been hiding since yesterday",Normal +4548,is colorblind q naman putah,Normal +4549,aha.. leave is over bro..,Normal +4550,young lecturer np on diligent diligent @ dah,Normal +4551,apakatamad :(,Normal +4552,What's the one with a hair tie?! Time to use rubber wrap for rice ðŸ˜,Normal +4553,don't make me emotional @ tiktok,Normal +4554,"Always convince myself, that things can't always be as I want.",Normal +4555,WHO ARE THE SEOL BOTS IF THERE IS NO ONE AGAIN o^-^o,Normal +4556,bkit nman pnapasayaw kmi ueueue iiyak i tlaga mami,Normal +4557,"if this passes, DROP YOUR LAST COPY !",Normal +4558,"The Eiffel Tower was built by Alexandre Eiffel, and most of the cost was borne by him.",Normal +4559,"“You don’t want that voice, it’s good, a little bit, I'm brutal†huhhhh I can't even spoil it a little huhhhhh",Normal +4560,Ready Viu .1 month 10k.3 month 15k.6 month 20k.1 year 25k,Normal +4561,I'm busy but not for friends 'Œ,Normal +4562,ripeo jyp???,Normal +4563,"Please, Jun codet come alone to the grid ww, you know, I'm really spoiled asking to be picked up '”",Normal +4564,QUE JYP QUE??&($((#)@,Normal +4565,PROMO VIU.,Normal +4566,it's really cool,Normal +4567,good morning world from me who just woke up —,Normal +4568,"What I know is that when people are annoyed with their situation, they express their anger in negative ways. Why.. It's going to be entertaining huh😴",Normal +4569,"I'm willing to lose him, instead of him losing his happiness",Normal +4570,WHAT'S WRONG DOG A,Normal +4571,"Yo, my photo is not edited on disk. Yes, I took a photo when Rai was torn apart. It's funny dear",Normal +4572,Fajr Begins: 3:31 am..#SalatLondon,Normal +4573,"why does my boyfriend like it so much? -,-",Normal +4574,Caca scattered,Normal +4575,"Not going home or Mergo Wedi Corona, but Mergo Wedi was intercepted",Normal +4576,Astaghfirullah munafiqt bh mrdon se seekh lo jo insn feminist k khilf hy abhi aik ghnty se zyda hwa hk dsto ka spce chorr k aik feminist ki spce me btha .Hy😂😂😂😂😂😂 âœŒï¸ âœŒï¸ â £ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£ðŸ˜‚,Normal +4577,teaser freeze when will it come out '€ðŸ'€,Normal +4578,"It's just fun to watch the story, huhuu",Normal +4579,"Joseph I heard and I read. You asked for and prayed for help and were given the last chance.. So I tried and said, if you are still slandering people for service, this assistance will be revoked",Normal +4580,what's wrong with my package abiez,Normal +4581,null jnatatuju(l(pgjt,Normal +4582,I want to cry,Normal +4583,"Love does not look at whom we drop feelings because love uses the heart, not the eyes.",Normal +4584,very optimistic nana update today °,Normal +4585,"Isn't it weird, going out with a friend who fights, who usually calls him lu me, uh suddenly dating, calls him ""darling"" ""me, you""..Ihh so awkward,-",Normal +4586,"Going to work on the road while practicing for a UX interview, just practice, who knows suddenly someone will ask (and offer) right :)))",Normal +4587,"Instead of going to school, if you get vitamins, you have to take vitamin B. Aksjbdnddj really weak immune hih",Normal +4588,"""Whoever accuses someone of being an enemy of Allah, then the person who accuses it will be afflicted with enmity by Allah."" (Narrated by Bukhari-Muslim) Ramadan Increase Piety. ´ðŸ . #b6dOY",Normal +4589,YOOOOOWKXKN2KSKANXNWNNA,Normal +4590,Nusantara medley is very addictive,Normal +4591,TOMMOROW,Normal +4592,bismillah,Normal +4593,what time does the bbma vote start?,Normal +4594,Astagfirullah patiencer sha,Normal +4595,MOMENTO SERIO muri0 jyp? ️,Normal +4596,IDFC FIRST BANK: Q4 NET PROFIT 1.27B RUPEES VS 715M (YOY) | 1.29B (QOQ) || Q4 INTEREST EARNED 39.92B RUPEES VS 40.92B (YOY) | 41B (QOQ) || Q4 PROVISIONS 6.02B RUPEES VS 4.12B (YOY) | 4.82B (QOQ),Normal +4597,Just like a baby,Normal +4598,sik like the taste of camtok «,Normal +4599,Feel the order of heavy objects in the waist... Hua hurts ;(,Normal +4600,SBS_MTV #빅스 #ë ”ì‡¼,Normal +4601,"Only the 13th salary has just come down, when is the date, Mr. treasurer",Normal +4602,"Yes, I can take a day off 'ƒ",Normal +4603,"And a good guy is a guy who dares to do anything for the people he loves and never complains about being ""tired""",Normal +4604,"If you remember me as a prayer in every pulse, I will remember you as the most eternal light, in this heart; in memory",Normal +4605,"hi ! I want to invite nctzen wayzenni to be mutual before the spicy sauce mv is released, so we can get hype together. help rt/like yaa!",Normal +4606,I still feel beautiful sumoah🤙,Normal +4607,[cm] What are the advantages of your campus email?,Normal +4608,"I'm sorry, there's just dirt that passes by..",Normal +4609,"Try this, if there's no copy, maybe now I'm in the local government trying to get a red light '‹",Normal +4610,Hello.. Good afternoon NabilahJKT48 Cheer up for the school. Learn the right way so that you become a successful child ^^ . from; AdityaRiicky,Normal +4611,"lonely morning, you guys are on g-meet huh?",Normal +4612,I'm the type who won't start anyway,Normal +4613,"A lot of talk, no action",Normal +4614,"Boboiboy is so cute, the hat is too big",Normal +4615,Why is teams so bad?,Normal +4616,"Cwta, do you have go dom in South Kalimantan? Do you want to join?",Normal +4617,Gomooo!!,Normal +4618,Where's the bio still hard-line kpopers ✋,Normal +4619,"/ae/ guys, how come I'm excited waiting for Ningning is it because he's my bias?",Normal +4620,"Oh God, it's just not really a surprise, today starts with happiness",Normal +4621,Punooinqlabi,Normal +4622,Pgn grilled sausage,Normal +4623,eye contact oy,Normal +4624,#Retweet if you're Cherlyder,Normal +4625,"imagine that you've been ripped off in the group, you think you've been chased by dl, it's still a long time. clown oh clown.",Normal +4626,"rek, I wis ga cool sopo² demi de e. eh de e even disappeared",Normal +4627,"omg passed BPR.. thank God, huhu",Normal +4628,"no partner was fooled. I'm a person who makes this kind of feeling, I don't want to be fooled",Normal +4629,"""And establish prayer and pay zakat..."" (Qur'an 2:110)",Normal +4630,morning ™‹,Normal +4631,"Forget what's on our minds, and we don't have to remind them.. Because the past is not with me.",Normal +4632,"How does it feel to be accused of something we didn't do, how does it feel to be forced to be honest with something we didn't do, oh my God",Normal +4633,try asking your heart again~,Normal +4634,✨SELLING PREMIUM APPâ.—wetv—.15k/month (sharing).35k/year (sharing)..—warranty (except video).—1x24 hour processing process.—payment via fund/ovo+1k/gopay+1k/shopeepay+1k,Normal +4635,NERVOUS,Normal +4636,pota sa inettt,Normal +4637,"So I miss my high school friends already hadeeh even though I'm currently back home like this, I should have met up with them, but I'm too lazy to go anywhere",Normal +4638,Eid holiday tomorrow make steak ahhh.. ©ðŸ¥©,Normal +4639,"I don't know if I'm bored of chatting, if you want to call, it's okay, I'll pick up",Normal +4640,"""How fat"". Yes indeed, so why? ™ƒ",Normal +4641,Is my mutual oneit still available or not?,Normal +4642,Jikustik - poetry .,Normal +4643,Can you play space??,Normal +4644,[The reason I didn't reply to the mention was because the mention might be deres #Bot (ㆠ*),Normal +4645,no holiday this year god,Normal +4646,"Keep moving forward! Don't listen to their useless words, be yourself better :))",Normal +4647,"""In the presence of a man who has made his decision, feeling sad or sorry is tantamount to insulting him!"" Rock Lee.",Normal +4648,Tomorrow is a day off and I plan to watch a healing spectacle. But the spectacle of healing aing chef's table wkwkwkwk I'm hungry again gasih,Normal +4649,"Yesterday saga bought shoes but didn't want to try them, then when his father put them on he screamed ""noo, help help"" :)",Normal +4650,"G&A Gems sells various agates, gems, etc. at affordable & reliable prices|ready to ship all over Indonesia|PIN 327166DC SMS:021-91345460",Normal +4651,"""You are my son, and with the power of the Kyuubi you will rebuild Konoha!"" (Minato Namikaze)",Normal +4652,"It feels like helping people who hate us is a bit like that, sometimes it can't be helped",Normal +4653,"The Prophet SAW was asked about prayer, ""What is the most afdhol prayer?"" He replied ""The old one"" .. (HR. Muslim) ..Ramadan Increases piety . . #o1TQd",Normal +4654,"I'm really in a dilemma, gosh, on the one hand, I want to recolor my hair, on the one hand, it's okay, just let it be an item again.",Normal +4655,it's so sad to live on Eid at a boarding house,Normal +4656,Lect is very helpfulðŸ'ŒðŸ »,Normal +4657,"Women will stare at a man, if there is something on his face or fall in love with him. (Yukiko - Detective Conan)",Normal +4658,never mind him...,Normal +4659,"If it's wasted, it's no longer the hottest hegeh :)",Normal +4660,"“To reach your ultimate goal, you have to be patient†(Tobi) #BotArdy",Normal +4661,today as a volunteer he's a little weird because there are a lot of uni*** didgshhdvd staff,Normal +4662,"""Happiness will be found when you choose to sacrifice yourself for someone who is valuable."" -Neji Hyuga",Normal +4663,Glad to be able to WFH. But I'm not relieved that all the items that are posted are not going to deliver anymore. That's all the office addresses🥲ðŸ'”,Normal +4664,jyp rip o no,Normal +4665,"Aaaah you guys please ss jibeom lawa² as usual you can't see it. It's not clear, it's definitely lag",Normal +4666,"oh God, it's a dream to get a mark set, but dad's unboxing album is the one '",Normal +4667,Just woke up already high.,Normal +4668,hello Viny_JKT48 :),Normal +4669,What app do you use for making au Twitter?,Normal +4670,Jockey's job sis~,Normal +4671,Como q JYP???,Normal +4672,Fighting to the death to become the greatest is fun. (Congo Agon/ Eyeshield 21),Normal +4673,Trenggalek.. go to the eye doctor for 115k hehe,Normal +4674,AdvertisementUpdate [JUAL] Jersey Bola Grade Ori TOP GRADE Quality. Wholesale price. Thank Resellers. Call 085220001993 / 2B4A5940 #adsupdate,Normal +4675,This world is just a dream and you will wake up when you die.. - Ali bin Abi Talib,Normal +4676,can't toxic day 28,Normal +4677,The way one bank directs its customers to migrate:..Notifies customers via registered contacts â ..Disconnects their ATM access â˜'ï¸ ..Goodsss,Normal +4678,YOK THE SPIRIT OF PLAYING,Normal +4679,"I have a habit of always pouring manon water in the market, hiks..",Normal +4680,night,Normal +4681,"The most important achievement in life is to be something, not to find something.",Normal +4682,Ikea king â,Normal +4683,"I'm so happy, it's just a dream",Normal +4684,"Be wise in speech. Don't say something you can't take back because scars last longer than ""sorry""",Normal +4685,"Wow, I'm a sausage that's not cooked yet it's bitter :)",Normal +4686,Is only for you just wanna be for you.neon geureohke chigeum moseub.keudaero nae gyeote isseumyeon dwaeh.nan tashi taeyeonado.yeongwonhi neoman parabol-ke,Normal +4687,"My love and affection for you is like nails. Even if you cut it, it keeps growing",Normal +4688,I think jay idol with the most beautiful jawline I've ever seen...,Normal +4689,It doesn't matter how stupid and ugly we are. Just be yourself and don't be surprised what people say to you. -Mater (Cars 2) #Bot,Normal +4690,"kiw mutuals, those who like jbjb, all fandom. help rt/like thanku",Normal +4691,"before Decade was made, to celebrate KR Hesei's birthday, the 2nd series Den-O was made #TokuFact",Normal +4692,"Afternoon everyone, don't forget to have lunch",Normal +4693,Face life as it is!,Normal +4694,"We may give without loving, but we will not love without giving",Normal +4695,Hello Cules!! It feels like holiday vibes. Anyone still working?,Normal +4696,"Oh, now it's Monday, wow, just because it's a holiday",Normal +4697,HBD my lovely â â â â â,Normal +4698,HAVE A HAPPY DAY (â—¦'⌣'â—¦) ##BOT,Normal +4699,"Is it wrong if I finish my thesis first, if I graduate first. I also once felt that I was an engineer with my friends from the same study program who graduated earlier than me, but that made me realize that I wasn't as diligent as them, even though there were other factors, for example lecturers.",Normal +4700,"Dr. Tiktok, Amanda Elli looks like April Kepner",Normal +4701,"The Ningning teaser is still half an hour, and it feels so long",Normal +4702,YOSHI DOYOUNG APDET WITH?,Normal +4703,It's really cool isn't it dream,Normal +4704,"Anyone want my #kontolina and #pejuhin me? Those who want to DM directly, yes.",Normal +4705,what else should i do,Normal +4706,How disgusting is my life? Until I'm always the reason people are in a bad mood,Normal +4707,"Lisa is really a throwback, my face is really clean.",Normal +4708,Aaaaaaaa I miss..that's what,Normal +4709,"During the implementation of the prohibition, said doi, every ASN and PTT-PK must attend via Mobile e-Presence every day.",Normal +4710,6psx F,Normal +4711,"boy stop asking me to staycation, at 8 am not home yet I've been looking for it.",Normal +4712,Mai mazak mazak mai relationship ko end kar deta hu......Be careful...,Normal +4713,"if my raya clothes don't get to b4 raya, i'll really wear dormitory batik clothes jo lahhhh",Normal +4714,"Oh God, I'm confused, when will I be lyrized and difb with the base base",Normal +4715,"Place: 12:30:57, 13.75C.",Normal +4716,"Follow the fansbase @.FansFansMiiko Haruna RP from there, mention for follback!",Normal +4717,q hizo jyp,Normal +4718,Very happy to see fb exo excited to join the RT deal for CB exo,Normal +4719,I'm the same as before that's different...,Normal +4720,"I just want to say, you can't be jealous if he likes someone else, that's his right. Gabole had too high of an expectation. You may like him but he doesn't necessarily like you.",Normal +4721,Confused :-( ##ucil,Normal +4722,1Barisan Mujahid steps forward HP_Don_ Hadi Prabowo #HPDonMenang #PKS3 Besar,Normal +4723,#askSB do you think that bismacharisma.....,Normal +4724,"Proud of Dreamies, never ending. It's really hard to be proud of yourself",Normal +4725,So.. when will you return to jkt?,Normal +4726,"There are games here twice a week, if you win, you can request a pic, if you can't guess, you can also request a pic :)",Normal +4727,you won the national kite competition huh? Pantes is the smartest to pull out my feelings,Normal +4728,my revision is not clear....let's make nastar,Normal +4729,"I have an extraordinary sleepiness, oh my God, sitting under the aircond again",Normal +4730,que jyp que???,Normal +4731,"Hello residents of Bekasi, Tambun, Cibitung and Cikarang. Come on, those who are sore and tired today. Need a full body massage, full body scrub, scrapings or fitness/vitality massage. Please Dm, Call, Sms or WhatsApp. Guaranteed steady and make you relax again. Thank you ™ŒðŸ »ðŸ'†â€ ♂ï¸",Normal +4732,6psx F,Normal +4733,"Allah/The True Allah, the Qibla of the Spirit's Breath of Prayer, Only acknowledging to: There is a Helper/Rosuol Aslih 'Mukhammad' Rosyuolilah/Mukhammad Rosyuol' AllahAlloh. Doesn't Have Lust, Doesn't Have No. Stay Away From The Unclean KunKunThe WorldDead Path To Hell. Stay away from PangDam PangDamFalseNajis.",Normal +4734,Eid on the 13th right? [askrl],Normal +4735,"What if we both became a gang of criminals: I stole your heart, and you stole mine?",Normal +4736,"I think many people have brought it to rl when locked grgr, you know, grgr plagiarism WKEJEKWKWKWKWK",Normal +4737,"Most furious to choose food randomly near grab 30 min looking for it, then it's closed like it doesn't work because it's fed up. then reopen another 30 mins.",Normal +4738,"The best response is when the lecturer says the progress is a bit even though he is busy working on reports, assignments, and the details of college life.",Normal +4739,comment “rt†>>>>>> dar rt,Normal +4740,•kdm• âš when the camellia blooms . will the prankster have a plot twist? So what eps will you find out? Pls don't spoiler except what I'm asking yaap,Normal +4741,"When we help others, we are actually helping ourselves",Normal +4742,Good morning world,Normal +4743,"With pijel here, who's there?",Normal +4744,this guitar is just #botamir,Normal +4745,"Sometimes, when I want to say ""missed"" I like to remember that I am nothing. Whether you want it or not, you are missing it (again).",Normal +4746,"“There can be no love that lasts without interaction, which is strong without interruption.",Normal +4747,"Faheema is now sleeping, he's always awake when there's no one next to him. What's this kid, you have to keep our concept. Keep sleeping no matter what. ❤",Normal +4748,#DDSquotes | I kintaro Toyama will do it by risking the good name of my ancestor,Normal +4749,4 o'clock is too long,Normal +4750,why are you mad at wonpil,Normal +4751,min yoongi,Normal +4752,it's been so long,Normal +4753,"Last last I want to go back east, I can't even because pkpd hiya",Normal +4754,"The task at the site has to be settled, the meeting has to be attended.. It's back to back, sometimes it feels like this virtual meeting is like a chance too",Normal +4755,It is easier to fight thousands of heavily armed men than to fight one's own pride. #UnekFun,Normal +4756,"The first football match to be shown on tv, was in 1937. This was an Arsenal practice match and was played at Highbury Stadium",Normal +4757,WEKERICHIMULA AAAAAA,Normal +4758,I just recycle my raya clothes from previous years... because I don't want to waste them....the clothes are worn a lot once a year ™‚.,Normal +4759,Tiber got bpr ahahaha alhamdulillah la,Normal +4760,Smile! Because the world will smile when you smile. Do not complain. Because the world will not be beautiful if you complain.,Normal +4761,Starting from the word save and ending with invention :),Normal +4762,idols get thr or not?,Normal +4763,"Don't make yesterday's failure a barrier today. Passion to make tomorrow better, through today.",Normal +4764,"In addition to the store for those of you who live around Batubulan, Sukawati Gianyar stop by BRAVE81_ to get the latest product #Slashrock",Normal +4765,7psx F,Normal +4766,please leave some pc enyo,Normal +4767,who only has holidays on red days??? yes atma,Normal +4768,"Feels the most self-righteous, the cleanest, the purest, as if he's never done anything wrong. He knows he's wrong or not, you don't say anything, you know why. Why do you have to be labeled like that, the mouth is really spicy.",Normal +4769,"If someone insults you, reply with a smile and forgive him.",Normal +4770,Wow slow :'),Normal +4771,"I hope that on this sunny day, friends, all of you are still given good health and sustenance :)",Normal +4772,"If you protest, you need to invite all mass e-mails, the cb has been provided, yes, THANKFUL.",Normal +4773,Give a recommendation au yuta comedy gt dong who are stupid gt or not other members sabi deh what is important is comedy ðŸ˜,Normal +4774,"winter, summer, spring, fall. Of all that, I certainly like the fall the most.. ~ falling in love with you",Normal +4775,SPIRIT !! #313,Normal +4776,Your face is always here. Stay here even if it's only in a dream,Normal +4777,makiki apple larng hmmmpk,Normal +4778,finally got THR,Normal +4779,wooyoung ️ ️ ️,Normal +4780,really noisy original,Normal +4781,Are your parents a pillow maker? Because it feels good to be near you.,Normal +4782,IH I'M SO GOOD,Normal +4783,want to have zhongli too,Normal +4784,bts (sexo hatching mother,Normal +4785,#TanyaAja Announcement: Soon the _______ pulling competition will start soon,Normal +4786,"Issue number on May 10, 2021.Pasaran DEWATA..Result : 5946.Shio: NAGA..Greetings JP PAUS!!!!..LINK : https://138.197.167.100/.#bersama4D #TogelDewata",Normal +4787,"PROCESS MAXIMUM 1×24 HOURS, TRYING FAST.•Netflix sharing 1 month = 38k.•Netflix private 1 month = 150k.•Netflix private 22 days FREE youtube premium 1 month = 135k.*limited slots for netflix .•Spotify 1&2 months,Viu 1&6 months, Youtube,Canva,Iqiyi,Disney+hotstar,wattpad etc.",Normal +4788,What you sow is what you will reap. ..Karma is real,Normal +4789,WHAT TO SAY TO DREAMIES?,Normal +4790,Sonia Natasha Mirzayanti :),Normal +4791,Hm this boy really wants to be flicked with me,Normal +4792,Is it true that the private sector was closed? Why is my child's school not given any information. School is just like normal,Normal +4793,WKKWKSKWKSKWKSJEJDJD,Normal +4794,"You are not my past, nor my present, but at least you can be my future, honey?",Normal +4795,Dream full album turned out to shake the world perkpop.,Normal +4796,"Yes, I want faith, I've been fighting for the best",Normal +4797,"""Do not let a woman befriend another woman, then she informs the nature of her female friend to her husband, so that it is as if her husband is looking directly at the woman."" [HR. Al-Bukhari and Muslim from Abdullah bin Mas'ud radhiyallaahu'anhu]",Normal +4798,They loudly remind with 3 things :1. Hand Wash.2. Wear Mask.3. Keep your distance..Something they forgot...4. Meeting basic needs (eg food),Normal +4799,The right time to cut / file nails is when the tip of the nail is half to 1 centimeter from the tip of the nail field.. #health,Normal +4800,So sad,Normal +4801,"There are many women who catch my heart, but only one is special, you ;) SweetYoriChiBi",Normal +4802,"Seeing Yuqi's preview, Dr. kmrenan, looks like I'm tired, because I haven't seen Yuqi's preview yet, I smile :'( Pity the schedule is really busy :')",Normal +4803,"Today's class has been torn apart, there are a lot of mistakes and mistakes",Normal +4804,"Do you want to eat rendang but are afraid that your teeth will hurt, or just swallow it?",Normal +4805,ipul is always cute #jedot,Normal +4806,"honey, slow girl is not cute. annoying",Normal +4807,"One important thing in love, don't give space in your heart to someone who doesn't even try to live in it.",Normal +4808,"Doctors can treat your illness, but only Allah can heal you..#Reminder",Normal +4809,Accepting Resellers of Sacrificial Animals with a profit sharing system (commission per head) hub 087836076141 / 081234886693,Normal +4810,"- RL who goes to college, tell me what it's like to be a group leader please :')",Normal +4811,Sulli has 2 older brothers.,Normal +4812,"Ihh can you cry, give me a dream million seller pls",Normal +4813,"Selling Tiens Body Fats, you can send Sukoharjo SMS/WA: 083842437980 - PIN: 54E60E2B #PenggemukBadan #Grosir #Sukoharjo",Normal +4814,"Don't just complain, but brush it off. Allah has sprinkled the dots of ""sustenance in all places. It's the people who have to try to find that point"" of sustenance",Normal +4815,"want to date with mutual, anyone interested? jkt only",Normal +4816,Genjutsu!!!,Normal +4817,"The umpteenth time I met this lecturer the question was always the same ""have you graduated?""..I want to motivate you but it falls down especially when you compare it…",Normal +4818,wake me up,Normal +4819,Every time there is money I remember it must be day6🤣 remember 5 bachelors who need to be supported,Normal +4820,"tara wipe, rub lang🤣",Normal +4821,It's really nice to go to the hospital doctor on Monday. Quiet. Don't wait long.,Normal +4822,I'm also looking for new moots ”,Normal +4823,New students can breathe a sigh of relief when college assignments are reduced,Normal +4824,"FY! follower? but i'm nsfw, just rt, jfb ok",Normal +4825,I pray,Normal +4826,sore throat right away,Normal +4827,"sometimes the government if the campus is iku podo,..podo² ra ngutek",Normal +4828,Looks like I have to leave Konoha to save Konoha. (Jiraiya - Naruto),Normal +4829,Want to be accompanied,Normal +4830,fold rp muna us,Normal +4831,A dream is not realized by sacrificing others!,Normal +4832,"Whatever the nominal, I'm still very grateful",Normal +4833,"When no one wakes you up in the morning, when no one waits for you to sleep at night, when you can do whatever you want as you please. What are these things called freedom or loneliness?",Normal +4834,"I want you to be the reason behind my smile, not the reason behind every cry",Normal +4835,Can't drop my signal template arghh😔😾,Normal +4836,Good morning prospective residents of hell~,Normal +4837,very proud,Normal +4838,why i don't have a circle on twt..,Normal +4839,"Love your account, don't just retweet it, you'll get swept up if you regret it yourself",Normal +4840,What is this strange feeling that makes you short of breath,Normal +4841,"BEEP! follower? rt, jfb -xiaojun",Normal +4842,JYP RIPIO???????,Normal +4843,watching idol vs idol and yesung again and again to my sister WKWKWKWKWKW I swear I'm tired of laughing.,Normal +4844,Melaka is so small you know '€,Normal +4845,"It's 3 o'clock, the call to prayer for the morning prayer isn't cool, I'm panicking",Normal +4846,Yesss!!! Alhamdulillah!!!,Normal +4847,"I'm jealous, okay, just copy my style, you're tacky hahaha",Normal +4848,"My mother is the most beautiful woman in this world who has given birth to me perfectly, without missing anything :)",Normal +4849,"Prime 22 GB (17GB Regular + 5GB Kendo) Rp. 195,000 Interest? Mention/DM or fast response 08988178901",Normal +4850,Seokjin butter concept [ whimpers ],Normal +4851,Halloo S_AngelJKT48 #JKT48Keliling2Pareo #Samarinda cc officialJKT48,Normal +4852,got ghosting :'(,Normal +4853,"If you sing/listen to Vierra's song, the title is all about you, you will immediately flashback :')",Normal +4854,What's clay? Am I a banana?,Normal +4855,"Lexicoustic broke, time for an acoustic tutti",Normal +4856,"""I want to raise a dog""."" I can't, it's hard to take care of it, it's not right to take care of yourself yet"".. Eh suddenly my little sister shouted from afar.. ""REALLY STYLE TO CARE DOG, BEHAVIOR 11 12 ALSO!""..Ask for a kidney flickðŸ˜",Normal +4857,Followwwwww >===> FatinSLQuotes For Beautiful Quotes Fatin SL.. just mention for follback,Normal +4858,â›±ï¸ We TV.â sharing 35k/year (my account).- 6 months warranty.- can watch all vids. VIP.- can download vid.,Normal +4859,Lots of work 'ŠðŸ'Š,Normal +4860,It's time for a hungry stomach...,Normal +4861,"if you get rowoon perfume, maybe i'll consider buying😢",Normal +4862,"No matter how hard I try, I still can't hate it.",Normal +4863,In the middle of washing the chicken in my head I'm thinking.- want to cook kids breakfast.- want to scrub clothes for raya.- want to wash the water booth.- want to bathe the kids.- want to prepare cooking ingredients for mom.- schedule to make cake.. where x stress haha,Normal +4864,Praise God😇,Normal +4865,the problem will be solved if we face it,Normal +4866,It feels.. ahhh it's great. Wkwkw,Normal +4867,"Eid is just counting the days.... Minal aidzin walfaidzin, want to make a living physically and mentally ™",Normal +4868,"okay, I want to clean the house first",Normal +4869,Your morals are like ashes.,Normal +4870,having trouble sorting radiohead's best album after kid a - ok computer - in rainbows,Normal +4871,650 followers I'm going to take a shower T_T,Normal +4872,1 SEMESTER Fluent in MANDARIN? Here is the ANSWER!! FIRST in BANDUNG FREE registration during the PROMO period Hub: 022-61112233 BisaMandarin,Normal +4873,"Bismillah, it doesn't flop, I'm looking for a mutual fandom all. help rt/like yaa",Normal +4874,"ping ! RT yes, we are mutual. Don't forget folbek.",Normal +4875,"Hi Cindy Gulla When will we meet? >,<",Normal +4876,"There are no difficult subjects, except laziness will learn these subjects",Normal +4877,"There's a lot of work today .. Btw, for those who have DM i for that work, we will contact you slowly one by one, because I also have a lot of crazy applications from other colleagues. Take a little time ye",Normal +4878,VIU PREMIUM ..☞1 year - 25k (own email + 3k) .☞7 months - 17k .☞1 month - 10k ..t. those who sell viu want to watch true beauty premium murce,Normal +4879,One sincere smile is worth more than a million useless words,Normal +4880,Don't worry if you have fickle friends,Normal +4881,"Friends Asiq, mutual friends, just rt",Normal +4882,"It hasn't been that long since I gave her a hand on this phone... Peggy is okay when I'm on leave, let her hold it... but I don't know, I don't think I want to share it with her",Normal +4883,Here again there is dangdut loh:3 anyone want dangdut?,Normal +4884,I don't want it if people demand it. I want it to change according to my own will not someone else🙃,Normal +4885,very proud of dream very proud,Normal +4886,"sorry my friend vn triak†br this time, follow the person on twtðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜",Normal +4887,". When are my followers Dadi 100,000 Yo? =D",Normal +4888,"Fak, I forgot today is the first day, I'm already 30 minutes late :)",Normal +4889,"These 2 days have to work extra 'ª. Come on, let's welcome the holidays",Normal +4890,"†I told you, I am I, you are you, the question of who is greater is a boring story†(Shikamaru Nara)",Normal +4891,Don't buy it until you don't remember yourself and then expect help from other people. ..The real toxic person ever omg..#remindertomyselftoo,Normal +4892,NEW STUFF! KPOP CASE! YUUK YUUK ORDER :),Normal +4893,"Have you ever washed and flushed, and then entered the toilet hole. It was so similar to cake tai",Normal +4894,“ŒÂ WATTPAD . (Random email)..— 1 month 18k..full warranty & legal.T who sells wattpad plum #,Normal +4895,The shortest way to improve sustenance is to increase love in the family,Normal +4896,"ssengsuda guest joochan, sungyoon, jibeom, and seungmin together plss",Normal +4897,Many people only realize that someone is important in their life when that person is no longer around.,Normal +4898,What if this year is the last Ramadan?,Normal +4899,Can you usually sleep when you choke on your own saliva until you dream?,Normal +4900,"How come it's on social media, it's on your shoulder '",Normal +4901,"""I'm just so proud"".. WHY DO YOU WORK SALTY MULU? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE DREAMZEN? HAVE TO WAIT ALMOST 5 YEARS TO GET THE FULL ALBUM ALREADY WAITED 3 YEARS FOR MARK BACK TO NCT DREAM SO PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE MOOD DREAMZEN TODAY🙠»",Normal +4902,I'm hungry at this hour :(,Normal +4903,"There is a god who always accompanies our feet wherever we step, so don't be afraid, because God will definitely provide help for his people.",Normal +4904,Nothing can help calm the soul apart from oneself - G.Chr.Lich-tenberg,Normal +4905,"In addition to designing, we also sell premium applications-electric pulses-electric tokens-and others~",Normal +4906,It is easier to fight thousands of heavily armed men than to fight one's own pride.,Normal +4907,idai piha,Normal +4908,planning,Normal +4909,Why else...,Normal +4910,"If the notip 72h appears, then you have to logout or not",Normal +4911,Abel is sometimes PeA,Normal +4912,awwwwwwwwwwww people are so funny,Normal +4913,Lucky to have a good customer ² already dizzy,Normal +4914,"When the children know what the news is, how is it? dek ji how huhuhu really remember that time he cried when dreamies perched on the melon chart being the first",Normal +4915,Peho eke mba'e,Normal +4916,Que pasa con jyp?,Normal +4917,"perdi minha identidade, tmnc",Normal +4918,finally can use this gemes layout thanks,Normal +4919,"Patience may be the choice I have to choose right now, but do people also need to set goals in life?",Normal +4920,"Sad to have wide feet, really ugly when wearing Converse.ðŸ˜",Normal +4921,Alhaji Wasiu Ayinde - Fuji Rapping - Side A,Normal +4922,Theta,Normal +4923,Those who have this bot are learning because of Allah Ta'ala,Normal +4924,Como que jyp ripeo?,Normal +4925,Beyond live baekhyun is really long -_-,Normal +4926,IHSG. Scks.,Normal +4927,"Don't just count what's been missing!! Think of what's left of yours!!"" [Jinbei]",Normal +4928,"Oh yeah, for those who don't know what the problem is, then you guys are curious, don't press for fun on the sb ""Ni-ki bvlly"" :)",Normal +4929,rpf Let's follow Irene! Rt jfb -baeju,Normal +4930,"""How big is the grudge in my heart.. How strong have I become thanks to that. You don't know anything about me"" -Sasuke Uchiha",Normal +4931,"The reason I'm lazy to chat with women is because there's a limit to her. This girl is a little sensitive yee.. if you boys want to communicate with girls please be careful alright. This woman is the type to choose people, if you get the friendly type, it's okay, it's just not crowded",Normal +4932,Sou chato memu,Normal +4933,Nothing is impossible as long as there is a will to try. Convince yourself and try your best. SELF-CONFIDENT.,Normal +4934,/ae/ AWOSKWOSKAOKZKSKAA 30 MINUTES AGAIN NKAUXSJDIW,Normal +4935,"Live more if, there is no change ngasu £ðŸ¤£",Normal +4936,"Ish, this uncle has a temper like three tribes he made it",Normal +4937,it's great to be able to extend the book online,Normal +4938,Don't forget to warm up your Vespa before work :),Normal +4939,"my dad is so random pls, want to cry",Normal +4940,"rip jyp, fly high muti",Normal +4941,teume! will my ° angelðŸ'° '‹ come â™¥ï¸ ?🤗,Normal +4942,tokutaka7710 F,Normal +4943,"gbt! Mutual yayyyy, RT first",Normal +4944,Order via dm or whatsapp. jan is shy,Normal +4945,"A few more days of Eid, can it be bigwin before that day",Normal +4946,ANJRIT,Normal +4947,## iqiyi ##..â sharing.1 month 20k..✿ private.1 month 25k..note: activation only..dm/wa for order !!..t. sell iqiyi,Normal +4948,do not understand,Normal +4949,everything will be very valuable when it's not ours anymore..#experiencesimbah,Normal +4950,At least this morning my burden has reduced @thank you🤲 ya Allah remember life is walking not running🙠°,Normal +4951,"Ready kak, service to add followers and views for the TWITTER application. Please DM for orders ™",Normal +4952,It's a week different from the Drimi and Espa comebacks. —,Normal +4953,Zwebel « you don't have anyone to support painting the wall,Normal +4954,"wake up right away, open my ig, I'm too short to see yuan's face",Normal +4955,"I'm not an angel, I'm just a human, who has a sense of ego and it hurts when I see you love other people.",Normal +4956,"It's also annoying when people startle people in the morning...Sorry, I'm the one who surprised people in the morning.🤪",Normal +4957,35737! 74532. Teleport 52367?,Normal +4958,I wonder what to say,Normal +4959,¦ Mention first before dm ya~ Just don't get your dm request '—,Normal +4960,"There is no limit for the performance, is there a prev or is there another group stage, No limit??",Normal +4961,15 minutes long if you don't sleep. If you sleep for a while.,Normal +4962,"It's annoying, the pen spit it out",Normal +4963,Indihouse why the hell,Normal +4964,Namjoo said Naeun was scary the first time they met,Normal +4965,uh! does anyone know the prais market for tae mots 7 ver 3 (as buy3r)? :(,Normal +4966,"Come on, just speak Malay today",Normal +4967,"As strong as a girl is patient, she will give up after a long time, if her patience is never appreciated at all.",Normal +4968,"It's really strange, every time you enter a new circle, there are people who say they are not guarded, even though you just met, instead of giving a good impression, it makes people mentally down. No matter how joking you are, you can't match people's feelings.",Normal +4969,wow 1.7 million..,Normal +4970,Bismillah. Hopefully things will be made easier🤲🠻,Normal +4971,"If you're tired, you're bored just say it.",Normal +4972,"It's okay to dream about buying a semicolon or not, you know it's really CB next month :)",Normal +4973,Raya mood has kicked in,Normal +4974,"2021-05-10 11:29:50..KOSPI: 3241.49 (â–²44.29, +1.39%).KOSDAQ: 989.68 (â–²11.38, +1.16%)",Normal +4975,Ins bi weurone name fekk may lekk with thiou bou bien,Normal +4976,Tears are the only way the eyes speak when lips can't explain what made me hurt #SadQuoteCaca,Normal +4977,"Actually, I'm really lazy when I'm with my high school friends, including those who are in high school with me ™‚",Normal +4978,Gile is so productive today.. you know he's already on vacation.. haha,Normal +4979,"You are JCI, what is my self-esteem? How come down...",Normal +4980,"I've just read domestic fluff and it's like WOW, VERY FUNNY, CRAZY",Normal +4981,ehun and Kai often wear sleeveless shirts.,Normal +4982,"I'm not the type to buy things to use or ask my bf for money. Usually I used my own money . But this year , I feel like When he is shopping for raya goods, even 2 things, I feel like cam â †”¥â †”¥â â € ”¥ðŸ¥ºðŸ¥ºðŸ¥º Thank youuu b! ️",Normal +4983,can't wait,Normal +4984,really sorry for the report dira.🙂â â,Normal +4985,âš”ï¸ aspires to have endless money,Normal +4986,qye le paso al jyp,Normal +4987,dog,Normal +4988,MONDAY MORNING I HAVE BEEN HOLDING THE FEAR AHSHSHSHHSJ,Normal +4989,#Fact_Yuri.Yuri is not good at Cooking.,Normal +4990,"""Don't take your words back. Even if it will lead you to destruction. Because you are a man, and that is your ninja way. (Uzumaki Naruto)",Normal +4991,"In the previous project, my uname is different, it's different use the old one or it's okay",Normal +4992,Ella - sneeze.You - sad,Normal +4993,"Yesterday, when I went to Jogja on a whim, I said that I wanted to go to Jogja, but I went online for 2 hours and didn't reply, it turned out that I came to Jogja and ended up playing Jogja together first",Normal +4994,Still not clean? ️,Normal +4995,sell various kinds of cheap shoes. quality and reliable. pin: 238df5df / 081212154409. testi check fav queenchoices,Normal +4996,sell various kinds of cheap shoes. quality and reliable. pin: 238df5df / 081212154409. testi check fav queenchoices,Normal +4997,"It's okay if I go to class, it's been half an hour already",Normal +4998,Why doesn't anyone open a warteg at Goldfinch!?????,Normal +4999,You can #cod at #lazada and #tokopedia guys...skuy check the link on the pin twit Kacaantiga Saudara #salamsatulangit,Normal +5000,Anya is so beautiful,Normal +5001,"I miss ituuu, it's been a long time since I've been on here",Normal +5002,uniqlo collection ut jujutsu kaisen ???? uuhuh,Normal +5003,Pat Benatar moment,Normal +5004,$TRB 500$ soon,Normal +5005,"hello moots, has anyone at home been sprayed with mosquitoes today? If there is, please reply hehe",Normal +5006,Problems are not a sign to stop. It is a guide,Normal +5007,Don't be a rainbow for color blind people.,Normal +5008,"before the hot sauce mv comes out🌶, let's be mutual first so we can slip together🤩 esp nctzen wayzenni, if it's through rt/like, thankssâ",Normal +5009,Tokobatik ADVERTISING C5 batik clothes are good_ JAteng,Normal +5010,WHAT TO SAY TO DREAMIES?,Normal +5011,ha ha ha i can't focus on my work ha ha,Normal +5012,But why?,Normal +5013,PromoYuk CHINO 140 K | JACKET JEANS 150 K | 135K DENIM SHIRT | DLL > Pin:27FC5E00 | HP:085659609995 < #advertising #promo #promoyuk,Normal +5014,Strong women don't tell everyone their problems. He faced it with a smile & share hny with those who care.,Normal +5015,Valid info...A1..Eid Al-Fitr falls on the red day...Merdeka 'ªðŸ‡®ðŸ‡©,Normal +5016,"Later Lebaran will come to your house, yes, don't want to shake hands. Same with the candidate to replace Alberttt :)",Normal +5017,Yesung= 'Love everything in this world' [bot],Normal +5018,I'm hensem..#FawwazNuman,Normal +5019,"Hurmmm it's ok, back to work on highway with my brothers to release stress",Normal +5020,"Stupid.. Detectives are humans too, not God who knows everything - Shinichi",Normal +5021,Hopefully support will always come to GusIpul_ID .because he really should lead this East Java..#KabehSedulurKabehMakmur.#GusIpulPutiWin.#GusIpulMbakPuti.#Jatim2KabehSedulur,Normal +5022,Mlq maldito cr kkkk,Normal +5023,Favorite subject at school: rest. favorite job at the office: payday. Dirmh's favorite activity: thinking about you,Normal +5024,"Love your mother, surely you can get heaven.",Normal +5025,About #Pramuka PemersatuPerbedaan. Let's follow SCOUTMOVEMENTID.-. Humanitarian Donation for Bank DKI Accounts. 33123003765 ​​an Muhammad rahmat rama,Normal +5026,NEYO IS BLASIAN?,Normal +5027,WIYH RUNAWAY FAYEJRS AND MOTHERS QHO DRANK,Normal +5028,Gabut uyy,Normal +5029,I CAN'T SAVE SOMETHING Smells of RP,Normal +5030,"JUAL ORIGINAL IPHONE USB CABLE ONLY 100RB LINE : gkl0838m / WA : 087889858171 , IG : IBOXSELL",Normal +5031,"People who love their partner too much. As a result, after breaking up will leave a very deep scar.",Normal +5032,I swear I haven't bought Eid clothes yet,Normal +5033,"Soon we will enter Eid al-Fitr, we all have to forgive each other... If you love each other, I'm sure you don't want to.",Normal +5034,Hello minna-san!,Normal +5035,don't forget to rest,Normal +5036,like filling water into a leaky tub,Normal +5037,it's okay = it's okay what? Can you think?,Normal +5038,Tired eh tired,Normal +5039,VERY PROUD OF DREAMIES,Normal +5040,"O Allah, bring a face full of light, a calm heart and the best deeds for those who read this tweet, ameen..",Normal +5041,hi what's up,Normal +5042,"Those who haven't bought the 2nd album chibi, hurry up and buy it :D If you live outside the city, just buy it online :D",Normal +5043,"WHAT IS EXPERT? THAT'S A SMALL GIRL HA HA HIK HIK AT MALL MALL, AND MANY, IS THAT EXPERT? EXPERTS WHY ARE WOMEN STILL CHILDREN? & A LOT OF ALSO, DON'T NEED TO CHOOSE",Normal +5044,Asked to sunbathe,Normal +5045,"Powerbank, BB Battre, Iphone, Samsung, BlackBerry BM/Ori/Replica. Info : 22D93ADF / 08192000566 IklanPeople",Normal +5046,"Make your intelligence useful for everyone, it's useless if you only use it for yourself. #FF FatinSLQuotes",Normal +5047,"O Allah, if you had recorded him he would be a friend to walk in life. Unite his heart with mine.",Normal +5048,"Anosmia since last week....but confused, because I really have a disease in the nose(?) It's kind of like rhinitis, so it's easy to catch a cold if triggered by allergies. From the beginning, if you have a runny cold, you definitely can't smell it..... What should I do with this...",Normal +5049,"Alright, that's enough to annoy you guys",Normal +5050,"indeed, thr money is destined for 13 bachelors",Normal +5051,Astaghfirullah I'm haha ​​hihi but still sad bro. ️,Normal +5052,still sleepy,Normal +5053,pong! mutualan kuy rt ya ava i'm a girl,Normal +5054,"All my life I live in Bantul, I only play in this new building once",Normal +5055,"Online games, such as Tetris for 30 minutes per day, can give your brain more work #TahukahAnda",Normal +5056,Melaka pkpp so all kinds of things don't change. What can you dine in? But you can't cross the area. Tf €,Normal +5057,"I want to copy it but if it's published on social media, it will become a Jariyah sin. Ywdah julid dalem heart just until it turns to stone.",Normal +5058,The cellphone was damaged due to use â . The cellphone was damaged because it was hit on the head ✅,Normal +5059,"Promoting BBM services with 2000+ contacts for only 15 thousand, suitable for your olshop / business pin:26b58aa7 | 08979662178 corner ad_ send ad",Normal +5060,"When will the dog grow teeth, it hurts so much",Normal +5061,"when is this guy on vacation, I'm so tired",Normal +5062,"These few days I'm addicted to watching the process of human decomposition, it really reminds me... Yes, if you die there's nothing to brag about, your friends are maggots:""",Normal +5063,the bc definitely hasn't taken a shower🚶†♀,Normal +5064,“Never feel like you know the best so that the seeds of pride don’t grow†#MDO,Normal +5065,hello world~~~,Normal +5066,"Oh God, I can't make it tomorrow when I'm on Eid I will be asked about the progress of life with my friends :((",Normal +5067,"What's wrong with my face, ladies and gentlemen",Normal +5068,Wait for sure I will follback :*,Normal +5069,"ngestan 127 & blackpink as the ult group,, the two of them usually only cb 2x a year",Normal +5070,"It's good to get money from campus, even if it's 50k, you can pay for spotify",Normal +5071,"✨ VIU ✨.ðŸ'¸8k/bulan.Order/ask for more DM “©..t, who sells cheap premium VIU with legal guarantee",Normal +5072,â Open as active as possible,Normal +5073,YA KISHO YABN ELLL EIHHHH,Normal +5074,"This seems to be mutual, I'm tired of watching me struggle with my movements",Normal +5075,"This is the first time I've been jogging while listening to an uptight song, but I can actually go at a fast pace lol",Normal +5076,Be the most sincere person not a good person because in kindness it is not necessarily sincerity.,Normal +5077,Asuuuu see the ad by default want to buy it... ..Patience tjok be patient,Normal +5078,Dream of having to survive the apocalypse with civil slaves.,Normal +5079,Retweet those who love and miss FatinSL !,Normal +5080,"ᨳ ♡ Selling passive Caucasian Instagram followers, there are HQ and LQ ones! only 9k and 7k per 100 folls, buy a lot there is a discount! DM for pricelist",Normal +5081,Shiba,Normal +5082,Ping! Gaess mutualan let's just rt yaaðŸ'œ,Normal +5083,I've become a babu ANJRITT after this,Normal +5084,"Seriously, the eyes of the people in this old fandom need to be checked so that it doesn't cause a fuss.. Previously I couldn't tell the difference between colors, now I can't even tell the difference between fake tweets. pdhl it's so clear it's fake",Normal +5085,"Wow, it's time for the class president to take a day off from wednesday ' »",Normal +5086,Arek arek iki yo sek yamene wes info chip info chip.. ok yo,Normal +5087,let the past still pass,Normal +5088,Bismillah let's be strong,Normal +5089,"Asking questions also depends. I remember I made a mistake in the critical part. Even if you ask something that hangs itself, I'm sure. Harammm.",Normal +5090,Anyone not fasting?,Normal +5091,"jidi, read hyuna's bot xD",Normal +5092,Yeayyyyy sister's raya clothes safely arrived at the village before raya.,Normal +5093,SS! mutualan let's rt,Normal +5094,nana once tweeted boobs,Normal +5095,I've finished bathing and washing clothes from earlier,Normal +5096,"♡ Wait for a DM reply, everything is processed max 1x24 hours.",Normal +5097,Wkakakabak gabut,Normal +5098,"°ã€žkacil is still making the pinned gif catalog, it's only temporary heheðŸ˜",Normal +5099,Kiw flwn with Yeji here,Normal +5100,""" Your strengths and skills are meaningless if you are arrogant like that "" . (Gaara)",Normal +5101,oh my god it's stressful,Normal +5102,oh my bm birthday already,Normal +5103,"Now, what do you want to be an honest person? What do you want? Because it makes it difficult for people, let alone trying to make other people understand themselves, is tired. Not to mention that others don't necessarily understand, let alone until it suddenly disappears maybe",Normal +5104,"Del open reseller for followers, likes, views Instagram Twitter YouTube tiktok. You can DM me to ask questions, dear",Normal +5105,I saw the name on the funny yes. ',Normal +5106,huee dragging™‚,Normal +5107,Happiness is a spiritual experience where every minute of life is lived with love and gratitude.,Normal +5108,"What is broken grows, what is lost changes... :) no need to wait long",Normal +5109,☠Selling Apple Music..â˜€ï¸ Activation 3months : 25k.â˜€ï¸ Extend 3months : 35k..T. sell netflix spotify viu nord vpn premium wtb subscription,Normal +5110,cheers sis beeell!!,Normal +5111,"POWERBANK VIORA 5600 125K, 8400 155K, 12000MA 220K. RESELLER MUCH CHEAPER ADD PIN 32A834AB / 08891047101",Normal +5112,it's also cool to see pinned ricis,Normal +5113,let's open with bismillah ™,Normal +5114,In naku mushat?🤣🥲,Normal +5115,Want to have a life partner? Fall in love. But after that wake up love... #Playboygalau,Normal +5116,"Hiksrottt, my face is swollen, I'm sneezing",Normal +5117,How about selling mashiho sets and albums?,Normal +5118,Riyoyoan is a friend of au.,Normal +5119,officialJKT48 SCTV_ #SMA7 JKT48 - Yourself Melody #VoteSMA2018,Normal +5120,tmask~ bene welcome yoshi how much is the offer if it's ready ina??,Normal +5121,"type IMB space DENITAKOPLOK send to 14045, TONG LAP NYAK",Normal +5122,"-Ë â if you order, be patient, sis, because you only have two hands",Normal +5123,"Not getting married or not having children does not mean failing to be a woman. Also not being able to cook, clean the house, and other household jobs does not mean you have failed to become a mother.",Normal +5124,"Wake up, your story is not as beautiful as in the drama you often expect",Normal +5125,so proud hiksðŸ˜ðŸ'š,Normal +5126,"we are two people who can't possibly be together, but strangely I still hope that someday we will be together.",Normal +5127,"For info about Toserdas products, contact our CP directly via BBM, PIN 570C5DA9 #InfoSolo #Kuliner_SKH #KulinerSolo #DolanSolo #SeputarSolo",Normal +5128,Temp ni-ki ‼ï¸,Normal +5129,Sleepy,Normal +5130,'Support and Resistance' is one of the most commonly used concepts in technical analysis.,Normal +5131,Love is never wrong and love never hurts. #Belle [Beauty and the Beast],Normal +5132,Ang init punyeta.,Normal +5133,Why am I so sleepy in the car but when I get home I'm fresh again ©,Normal +5134,finally my acc is reduced by one,Normal +5135,"If you win the Cibu dollar, it's a real flip, like somersaults, jumps and jumps",Normal +5136,"Where did I copy earlier, how come it can go one comma to el.. hiss bodoohnyeeee",Normal +5137,Today's roadblock has brought us to talk.. ahahahahaha but still arrived at the office early 40 minutes …,Normal +5138,O Allah.. No one can stop what you want to give.. and.. No one can give what you want to block.,Normal +5139,"I've recently been reflecting on the changes I've seen in myself over the past year since I decided to explore mindfulness, bring awareness to my mind, and regularly practice meditation.",Normal +5140,It's sad when you think about Terengganu having to come to MBPJ once again...😂,Normal +5141,"5. Kuntilanak It's nice to be hard to stay the same, Nu. contains the characteristics of Optimism",Normal +5142,seems annoying ywwwwwwwww.,Normal +5143,looking for cheap premium apk? check @ ucddle yuk,Normal +5144,jyp qud,Normal +5145,"I'm here, so I'm in a rush, so I'm going to get sued here",Normal +5146,"It's not about being strong or pretending to be strong, but when we are at our toughest point, we will definitely shed tears too.""",Normal +5147,BETU TE AMAMLS #MasterChefArgetina,Normal +5148,"""Art is eternal and will always be remembered"" (sasori) #bot",Normal +5149,It's lonely no one gave thrðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +5150,Can we repeat,Normal +5151,Mirella rabuda kkkkkkkkkk,Normal +5152,Nokharommm this country is getting damaged. Crazy power has the article to die under a rattlesnake. Hopefully this busy moron can beat this stupid elephant one day,Normal +5153,10.30am PLUS@E2 : â There was an accident that 2 trains at KM 265.0 towards the north blocked the right aisle. Heavy traffic from Seremban to Ainsdale Airport.,Normal +5154,"Don't send my children to junior high school, I have the intention of joining the cmn survival show so that their name will be up or they can get more work because the reinforcement agency is lazy to look for resources, even though it's possible that in two or three years there won't be a survival show in China.",Normal +5155,"the trending 7I. not 71, hadeh",Normal +5156,"I'm so tired, oh my God",Normal +5157,"I like skincare that much, so I'm happy with any brand BA disociolla",Normal +5158,"Gaess, let's be mutual, let's rt yaa'œ pong!",Normal +5159,Stupid people's mistakes corrected by smart people,Normal +5160,I'm really tired of dreaming,Normal +5161,ni-ki best boy,Normal +5162,Komi dadewa akwai ranar da bring zai comma ga mahaliccinsa,Normal +5163,wasalak da best 'œ,Normal +5164,My vacation is used as a substitute for a class schedule that is in debt. always.,Normal +5165,"Benab, Timal - RS3",Normal +5166,"Not all crying means sorrow. Sometimes, tears are joy that cannot be expressed by words.",Normal +5167,âwhat do you need? just dm me,Normal +5168,June????? NEXT MONTH? ❤,Normal +5169,cold..makes me horny..ahhhhh🥺🥺,Normal +5170,"Moots, does anyone have a 25k gopay? I need gopay, but there are funds/ovo :(",Normal +5171,"Praised a little, immediately baper",Normal +5172,"What are you doing on holiday anyways, can you focus on worship or not :')",Normal +5173,How come it hurts more,Normal +5174,"the fruit of carrying out this membership, it's even more difficult for yourself £",Normal +5175,"Selling admin panel tools to increase followers + retweets + favorite cheap only IDR 50,000 / month, can make limited stock sales, hurry :)",Normal +5176,Lutang takon aga paaa huehue,Normal +5177,really hungry can kiss gasi,Normal +5178,WHO OPENS PO VOL 16,Normal +5179,"Upi, I want to ask if the TOEFL results for the trial have to come from the ETS institution or the regular TOEFL can also as long as there is an official certificate and meet the minimum score?",Normal +5180,"There are some things that can't be continued, when it's finished, you want to continue, what's being continued later will make the situation worse. What can be done is to fix what can be repaired, that's all.",Normal +5181,"Har tug'ilgan kunini nishonlaganda inson qalban qandaydir ulg'ayganligini xis qiladi, tan olmasa ham",Normal +5182,"Hey, what news did you miss?",Normal +5183,"Starting in 2019, I'm lazy to bake :(( but I know that due to covid, I'm really busy with this year's cake :((((",Normal +5184,What I need right now..Moneyâœ–ï¸ .Girlfriendâœ–ï¸ .Money and girlfriendâ…,Normal +5185,Q SE MURP JYP???? ALFIN???,Normal +5186,"For what reason, why do I miss Jongdae even more Usually if yesterday I missed you so much now it should have been cured a bit but why is this getting really missed",Normal +5187,Oops W WANT TO BOKER UNTIL IT'S NOT CALM,Normal +5188,I'm not gay I'm just GAY :D,Normal +5189,your backet is ganiyan huhhuhhuhhu yes me,Normal +5190,I used to aspire. Become a member of the Mobile Brigade Corps.,Normal +5191,sorry i bucin first wkwk,Normal +5192,"People who like to talk about you, badmouth you, judge you. In fact, he is jealous of what you have. Just smile and be patient. :)",Normal +5193,just woke up..,Normal +5194,good morning bestii,Normal +5195,"YAAMPUNSOUL,, I also like planting, don't do this, don't use this code when you get married so you have a greenhouse, duh",Normal +5196,Can you hurry up a bit,Normal +5197,Where are these many previews of children?,Normal +5198,- Jiongu (Heart Cable Pulling Technique) #Kakuzu,Normal +5199,"At night, I want to find new moots, but they flop.",Normal +5200,and right now I should be ashamed and panicked,Normal +5201,just realized base tinsell to l word ya,Normal +5202,warota,Normal +5203,"I haven't greeted you guys yet, good morning everyone!",Normal +5204,Ni-ki is cute.Ni-ki is cute.Ni-ki is cute.Ni-ki is cool.Ni-ki is great.Ni-ki is well done,Normal +5205,"During this pandemic, we are required to invest in longing. Mmm, do we need to make a Certificate of Inability to go to the village so that the longing will be over? ..Oh, it's not that easy, Fergusso.",Normal +5206,"cycle of the guy who used to be close to me when he broke up with the girl and the girl is still sensitive to me until now = broke up following my ig, got back with his ex, unfollowed my ig, broke up again, follow it again, so that's been 4 times I've been unfolled wwk",Normal +5207,"tired, just opened twt, mahen is still buzzing on tl",Normal +5208,Never hurt a girl's heart. Because your mother is a girl.,Normal +5209,His favorite colors are blue and brown. #FrieskaFact,Normal +5210,oh kelock,Normal +5211,Why haven't I been off from school yet?,Normal +5212,"""Sorry, if there is a WA or DM from an account in my name asking for THR to friends and relatives to transfer to an account but not in my name, please contact me immediately, * I'll give you my correct account number later, so it's not wrong send.*.Thank you ™ .ttd TN Boy",Normal +5213,Bpr money hasn't arrived yet to buy ar,Normal +5214,"Ramadhan this year, I'm not really looking forward to Lebaran, but I'm waiting for the MV when it comes out",Normal +5215,"Have funny friends. Holding my family can't afford it but I'm asking for help, if you're old-fashioned, I keep trying to drink tea even though they claim to be rich;(( hmmm.",Normal +5216,"Even though it's only been fasting at this hour, but my stomach....",Normal +5217,"""You suck. I hate you"" - Yuki Tenpouin [Code:Breaker]",Normal +5218,Tara yak sa gedli,Normal +5219,thank god i'm back,Normal +5220,"If you want to forget being angry with someone, remember the kindness.",Normal +5221,Maknae &,Normal +5222,anw I'm eating richeese in my room «,Normal +5223,"Raya is redesigning Pagoh, can't cross the area anyway",Normal +5224,"From the first, I often like one song after the song has been released years before",Normal +5225,good morning trick world,Normal +5226,BilMes Spirit!!!,Normal +5227,"lmâš need a blank acc w usn mulchar that goes green + already v all too, drop the '¸ all.",Normal +5228,in the morning eat sponge. I sleep first don't miss,Normal +5229,"Don't humble yourself to get something, but humble yourself to give something.#iyem_ubis",Normal +5230,"Had the opportunity to exchange opinions with a new friend, yes, I only met a few weeks ago but I feel frequency when exchanging opinions. The gist of the conversation. ""Humans have been given but not many are grateful, in fact they still feel lacking and feel the most miserable""",Normal +5231,"Haibara's pseudonym when she was still in BO was sherry, but her real name is Shiho Miyano #DCSFact",Normal +5232,JUST AWARE NOW DATE 10,Normal +5233,The strongholds of author au are indeed😀,Normal +5234,"Eii, it's not about this morning. What a deafening fool",Normal +5235,"✨JUAL PREMIUM APPâ.—netflix—.antihold , full guarantee.45k/month (sharing).175k/month (private)..—guarantee (except viu).—process of processing 1x24 hours .—payment via fund/ovo+1k/gopay+1k/shopeepay+1k",Normal +5236,"Ok, let's continue watching Harrpot :D",Normal +5237,what is boba,Normal +5238,disgusted with yourself,Normal +5239,I'm so dizzy taking care of inheritance ',Normal +5240,Sana ol proud. Ahshsywgsj,Normal +5241,"Don't hate those who say bad things to bring you down, because they are the ones who make you stronger every day. #Bot",Normal +5242,"It's really annoying, my friend uses to remember all my assignments, where after I'm finished I'm told to collect Ahelah I'm so tired I need to ask questions",Normal +5243,"If you are..angry with one person's slanted comments,..you are not ready to be..admired by a million.. people",Normal +5244,"When you realize that there are many good people around you, then believe that you are really good.",Normal +5245,"""Indeed, it's best for a girl to stay at home and not work"" ASEEMMMM WANTS TO NABOK",Normal +5246,I'm Chunji's girlfriend.. Then it's a problem. Lo?,Normal +5247,does that mean the live is at 1 o'clock?,Normal +5248,Accept Oplos Car Paint,Normal +5249,"oh yeah, I have a dailyforgyu acc, just become a selling pc account",Normal +5250,"genebuy?.. per LD an.. anyone, what era, what version",Normal +5251,Pretending not to panic facing jammed with the oil already flickering,Normal +5252,"""In life, there are things that come naturally, and there are things that must be fought for first to get them.""",Normal +5253,good morning,Normal +5254,Missing new delhi because it's not sahur,Normal +5255,looking for friends but afraid to disturb them because I mostly read bxb,Normal +5256,"At least you can cover the fights so that the playing victims are still the wrong people, or at least they don't benefit at least. G loss of learning communication 5.5 yrs ™ŠðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£",Normal +5257,Do you want to know who is the richest person in the universe?,Normal +5258,"Wow, no wonder there's a lot of Kenhina fanart on TL, it turns out that today is Kenhina Day",Normal +5259,ah crazy proud of dreamies,Normal +5260,2 nights sleep really well... But wake up too late wkwkwkwk,Normal +5261,I kukupal ka pe mergo wooden pesti.,Normal +5262,"I really need a twitter admin for the next 2 months who really understands the world of jokes. but those who really can be diligent in promoting and monitoring dm reqs, yes. try the rep you want, I'll dm the tnc later. bj!",Normal +5263,"Who's first, yee.. hey bestie, what are you going to do today? ..I want to cook chicken, the rest is at best sksksk",Normal +5264,"Wow, how come people who wear headscarves can feel comfortable wearing their masks in their headscarves?? ️",Normal +5265,Tanaydana ott itches me,Normal +5266,"It's a bit random, but suddenly I think I need to rest then block everyone",Normal +5267,"hey, it looks like a lot of eyes ✋",Normal +5268,Ponpopokno Henpokorino Nyang!!(◦ˆ⌣ˆ◦),Normal +5269,"cum ad Selling Twitter Followers:.*1000 : Rp.10,000.*2000 : Rp.20,000.*5000 : Rp.50.000.Interest? PM me : 082186310898",Normal +5270,"For us, nothing is more handsome than our bias #ELFfacts",Normal +5271,POLAROID INTERPARK AAAHHHHH,Normal +5272,Want to cry why don't you know,Normal +5273,"I'm short, I'm short, I'm dead, I'm MAOT, I'm big, I'm lust, I'm so damn MAN, it's hard for me to be sincere. #RamadanBulanPerjuangan.â ±ï¸ '¡. #qhanq",Normal +5274,AAAAAAAAAAAA sk8 in barista au AAAAAAAAA,Normal +5275,jyp ripeo oq,Normal +5276,aww baby,Normal +5277,What is galing,Normal +5278,17wta jat gyuseok carrying 120k rd jp y/n?,Normal +5279,Stomach cramps really make it difficult for me to do my daily activities :),Normal +5280,"Minal aidzin walfaidzin, please love and be born and inner heart, don't be cheated by sick ;)",Normal +5281,hyuka te amo,Normal +5282,In the glorious month of Ramadan I still commit sins. Does Satan need to incite me to sin?,Normal +5283,yok yok yok you can still win yok yok,Normal +5284,"He who complains is he who can never be grateful, even though without realizing it, the gift from God he has enjoyed every day.",Normal +5285,"Bismillah, hopefully the sin is worth it",Normal +5286,"Jupentiniiii i lopyu somach, jupentiniiii keep the spirit. Wqwqwqwqwqwq £ðŸ˜œ .#JuveMilan #ForzaMilan #SempreMilan..Forza Milan!!! 'ªðŸ ”´âš«",Normal +5287,hhhhh insecure again...😔😿,Normal +5288,btw hello! :D long time gangetweeet here,Normal +5289,"Once we say ""Astaghfirullahalazim"", Allah will remove a black dot in our hearts. God willing :-)",Normal +5290,"Are you afraid to eat duck for fear of tough meat? let's try duck urwah which is definitely delicious, healthy and of course not tough!. Wa: 0895701749156",Normal +5291,Monday feels Sunday,Normal +5292,"Sometimes it's wrong to play twitter in the morning when shafiq sleeps, bro, he's non-stop on his phone and he gets notifications hshshshs",Normal +5293,I.71 cuuuuk almost 2 anjriiiiit how can I not get goosebumps,Normal +5294,another coincidence?,Normal +5295,yung ep.5 talaga ang galing nung lalake umacting ndskmddnd,Normal +5296,I like you with taste not with words. -Kagome (Inuyasha),Normal +5297,"But I like to make stories, especially when I want to trade beef jerky",Normal +5298,Number one,Normal +5299,Relationships will last longer if you love a man more than a woman,Normal +5300,This hand is so sinful,Normal +5301,"Released his first single ""Dear J"" on January 26, 2011 which peaked at number one and number two on the Oricon charts",Normal +5302,bored with rl >>> rp >>> bored with rp >>> flip rl >>> bored again,Normal +5303,6 HALF HOURS AGAINIII ULULU I ​​WANT TO SLEEP FIRST HSHSHS TIRED,Normal +5304,"Otg for an iPhone for an album from yesterday, it's really hard to try, just try buying an album, hmm, no need to think for months, I've already tried it",Normal +5305,”ð ®ð ®ð £ð ˜¬ð ©ð ˜¯ð ˜ºð . ˜¢ð ±ð ®ð ®ð ®ð ®ð ©ð . ️,Normal +5306,-weus morning danimdeul~ are you in your prime to vote yet today??,Normal +5307,"In the morning, I saw the person raising a middle finger sksksksk.. Yes, he's not wrong but —¿",Normal +5308,"Tomorrow tomorrow, I'll tell you to fix the generator and the electric guard",Normal +5309,"Don't make someone happy with a lie, because if the truth comes, SORRY you may not accept.",Normal +5310,Suddenly didn't expect da..,Normal +5311,People just demand but don't know the story behind it,Normal +5312,staytune on seonghwacs's account it's fun,Normal +5313,malay teume moots ! can you suggest a raya caption but is it related to treasure or not??,Normal +5314,kkkkkk qodio,Normal +5315,my cellphone is now weird like it vibrates itself tkt,Normal +5316,every hour shopee check,Normal +5317,"It's definitely a 1 million seller headshot, even more",Normal +5318,LAHHH ABIS B DIRECTLY D AKSKSKS,Normal +5319,"Message request kholo tou wahan ek alag.hi dunya abaad hoti h,khud hee msgs kye.hote hn,khud hi naraz bhi hojate hn, koi.maghroori k taanay derha hta he tou koi.khoobsurti k gun gaarha, kuch hta h. khud'daar bh hte hn jo reply na krne pr apna.msg unsend bh krdete hn",Normal +5320,"""To them, I'm just a being from the past who wants to be eliminated. Then what's the point of my existence? And what am I living for?"" gaara",Normal +5321,â€â•°â”€âž›âœŽï¹ .ð € ®ð ..â€â€â€,Normal +5322,wake up anxiety ' ¼,Normal +5323,It's been wrong from the start today's meeting,Normal +5324,"Awang Sulong chancellor German...after several years being the number 1 person, still sitting in the same apartment until it stops.... Boris Johnson, ride a bicycle to buy goods, PM Canada... the docks are fighting with the public to take the train to work. ... and this hamzah if you're in Japan, it's already sohih harak",Normal +5325,if the computer can get a trojan virus if my heart can get a love virus #ITinLove,Normal +5326,Asking for your own money is like begging... ha ha,Normal +5327,why didn't I get it already?! even though I want to clean the house,Normal +5328,"Never doubt that God will always give the best for you, even though sometimes you have to feel pain first.",Normal +5329,Holiwi,Normal +5330,ni-ki best boy,Normal +5331,jyp patas pa' rriba,Normal +5332,Should we end up here enough!!! never mind! I'm like the saying that says: LIFE SHOULD DIE DON'T WANT!! (N),Normal +5333,yakedoshita,Normal +5334,wowowowow,Normal +5335,Crazy I'm so cute,Normal +5336,"I still have 2 days to work, it's really hard huft yok yok yok✨ðŸ'«",Normal +5337,"looking serious since morning, others think because they are doing work. Even though I'm still having back pain + stomach cramps due to menstruation",Normal +5338,How to cheat the coin line ?!?!?! ©. The coins are very expensive njirrr,Normal +5339,Drama mine is like something '€ He has feelings like drama that hurts the heart,Normal +5340,"why is my group presentation schedule at 4 o'clock, I want to watch metawinðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜",Normal +5341,Monday klewas klewes,Normal +5342,It's really wrong to listen to hurt road when you just wake up,Normal +5343,seunggi?!?!?!? I love him,Normal +5344,want ulti info instead press attack the turtle.#brokenheart,Normal +5345,Busset has a lot of CB bats,Normal +5346,"â those who like JBJB and don't feel uncomfortable with JBJB, come back, follow? btw my ecun ba x ca ya",Normal +5347,It's been a bit of an issue that he has to be poor until he has run away from the original issue,Normal +5348,"If you remember when you were in elementary school, it used to be really fun, playing chase, playing baseball, I really wanted to be in Geraldos' group because he threw it so far, then there was monkey love haha. When I remember that, I feel like I want to go back to elementary school where all I can think about is ""what are you playing today""....",Normal +5349,Thank God it's all over. Wait for the tubik jah,Normal +5350,it's holiday air,Normal +5351,The gift continues ',Normal +5352,thank you for cholera,Normal +5353,Tumben niiii gundar 12 days off there is an apnic,Normal +5354,I can't help but take a long time at work,Normal +5355,Up44pp4p4p4p4,Normal +5356,dog,Normal +5357,"You guys want to take the vaccine if you want to cut the line. At that time, he met a friend who made borax, he must have entered the line. Just make people sip. It's hot",Normal +5358,"aaaaaa I want to do folioo psi work, but I don't know when it's agahagahah",Normal +5359,"There are a lot of people waiting for this dream, it's only natural that the number is like that, congrats!!!!",Normal +5360,Dang.,Normal +5361,Njjr is the real goosebumps,Normal +5362,HELP RT PIN DOGG,Normal +5363,Fajr is late. Dzuhur is hassle. Asr is overwhelmed. Maghrib is still on the road. Isha is tired.. Sometimes God is still as generous as it is to fulfill our wishes,Normal +5364,"Yes, obviously, if you choose a trustworthy leader, choose number one! greetings Mrs. Khofifah!",Normal +5365,"The spirit of Monday. It doesn't feel like Eid will soon be over. Are you ready to be asked about ""when""??? ❤",Normal +5366,"Just take a day off, until you get to the boss £ðŸ¤£",Normal +5367,"[cm] guys, if today I follow up my dosbing, which from a week ago didn't give me any revision, is that okay? I want to say something like ""I'm sorry sir, if I follow up again, I want to finish it on Lebaran day, sir, so I can send it to ProdiðŸ™""",Normal +5368,"Kuy-drop your wishlist + budget, who knows I can help find a ready room, for a sincere fee ^^",Normal +5369,"€ SHARING NETFLIX PREMIUM ✨ã€'..➥ NETFLIX 1 MONTH Rp. 35.000..â NOT A TRIAL ACCOUNT.â WILL NOT HOLD, DOESN'T NEED TO CLEAN.â GUARANTEE.â 100%",Normal +5370,"SERIOUSLY TODAY WHY WOULD I BE LOOKING TO JOIN MEET?!!_!#??$!$. TO Mr. MTK MANDATORY, I JUST SKIP FIRST YES, MAPEL, Mr.”ðŸ˜",Normal +5371,can be this cool,Normal +5372,"""I understand how you feel, be patient"" is another level of bullshit",Normal +5373,my dream is really creepy aksks,Normal +5374,"So a man must be ""ELEGANCE"" . Don't Cheapance & so handsome. Feel/Feel Cool, there's nothing wrong with it. Be a person with good character, have your own business, Of course, not betraying his wife...#ELEGANCE",Normal +5375,Emotions leading to GERD😌,Normal +5376,I'm lazy to like virtual sm again,Normal +5377,May all our affairs be eased today,Normal +5378,[tag] Buy Men's Sneakers Shoes,Normal +5379,anggg initttt ahhh superrrrr ..WE MISS YOU XAVMI,Normal +5380,My mood right now wants to let go. Go to work but the brain is on leave,Normal +5381,I haven't left for work at this hour ™ƒ,Normal +5382,"Don't underestimate anyone, greet you, you're not better than that person.",Normal +5383,lrt AAAHHH OSAAKA SOFT plus osamu's big tiddies,Normal +5384,fren are you cryingðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +5385,"No matter how much I sleep, I'm still sleepy",Normal +5386,"The four day limit has passed, only two days left",Normal +5387,Supermarkets are busy this Eid,Normal +5388,stomach ache,Normal +5389,1 ID for all games :.LIVE CASINO [LIVE].SPORTBOOKS. SLOT GAME.TOGEL ONLINE.TANGKAS.CHICKEN SABUNG [LIVE].POKER ONLINE,Normal +5390,como que jyp ripeo,Normal +5391,HELP ME ANSWER THE INTERVIEW,Normal +5392,"It feels like it's Thursday, tomorrow is Friday, then it's a holiday.. €",Normal +5393,"If you don't have holidays, you might be busy with lessons or competitions ²",Normal +5394,so proud of dreamies,Normal +5395,Eh slowly your daddy is here. Mommy doesn't want to go to the gold shop,Normal +5396,"Let's follow, ba #zonaba #zonauang",Normal +5397,"Cancel when you're fasting, it's even worse",Normal +5398,"Oh, it's scary, netizens are getting scarier every day. Courtesy of manners. The dm feature is useless.",Normal +5399,HSGSHAHA mabait c sir sub nde,Normal +5400,Is JBJB polite but not fb?,Normal +5401,Death due to plague is martyrdom. (Narrated by Bukhari),Normal +5402,Still sad,Normal +5403,For all who are in sick condition,Normal +5404,Do you want CB?,Normal +5405,"It's nice to have a friend who can make you smile, even though he's not by your side.",Normal +5406,"Get well, let's heal... .Don't be disappointed with what happened... .You have to accept the reality... Please stop feeling unappreciated or ignored..",Normal +5407,"""Time"" that makes everything ""change"".",Normal +5408,Jk musta? ML na!,Normal +5409,Yoasobi's song is really good,Normal +5410,"It's really CB today? I'm really excited, let's give the streaming spirit a lot of wins to dreamies this timeâ€¼ï¸ '—",Normal +5411,"it's not clear, people, what's wrong with me jutekin",Normal +5412,"Monday, there is an audit schedule and everything is running smoothly. At this hour it was over and nothing was found. it's going well, the new toll road. ahhhhhhh happy monday",Normal +5413,my bio just delete it xixi,Normal +5414,I want to go to Ramayana but it's not open yet haha ​​hihi,Normal +5415,so ma pops blocked my mom whatsapp WKWKWK AWESOME BIG BIG BANGSAT,Normal +5416,"Pabobohan, huh?",Normal +5417,"now like this, can gausa chat with me for 1 month, i don't need a chat buddy anymore, what i need is you come to my house and we'll chat together whether you're a girl or a boy it's okay as long as the person is cool, maybe not",Normal +5418,The dream has woken up,Normal +5419,'¨ðŸ »â€ '»: Minho is now able to climb trees.,Normal +5420,"""Not all dreams and hopes will come true according to our wishes"" (Orochimaru)",Normal +5421,"5 ..Nagh pelaihari, modelell, friend, the crew is tall, wow, he's the guy",Normal +5422,"Note to myself: Keep praying, even though we are not good people.🌹ðŸ'œ",Normal +5423,"Goku who has this tail is a Saiyan, although he doesn't know about it until Raditz tells his childhood history.",Normal +5424,Pukinanginang,Normal +5425,"Suju exam trend again, don't you have Donghae exam? I want to test my ELFish soul",Normal +5426,ok we won't get yuqi x jia but we might get yuqi x jieqiong !!,Normal +5427,"This Signal drama has a bad ending, hang it up",Normal +5428,Me want borjer (ï½¡â€¢Ì â€¢Ì€ï½¡),Normal +5429,"miss is simple. I, you, meet.",Normal +5430,hueeee so sleepy anjimann,Normal +5431,"Wow, haven't had time to read the dict©",Normal +5432,Looks like I'm going to sway into nana. Pls she's like lajfkskdjdks,Normal +5433,"lm âš offer @ siyeon or xiyeon dong, whisper '¸",Normal +5434,"You must have seen the portfolios of large government-owned insurance companies, where they manage their shares because they are Gold Chip / LQ45 minded, how about in the end? Ambyaarrr.",Normal +5435,"Lmâ want to join rwess, do you have a netflix that is already open this morning?",Normal +5436,"sekda nok sick, sisg retainer tokðŸ˜ðŸ˜©",Normal +5437,"You've only been playing for a while, don't be silly. Not all ways to play are the same as what you have in mind. You learn a lot of respect for people, tum.",Normal +5438,"Okay, 2k21 story contains hampers, aned appears, so I want it",Normal +5439,"VIU PREMIUM..1 month : 10k.6 month : 17k ..—full warranty, trusted, legal.tag. is there anyone selling we tv which one is selling",Normal +5440,let's study with me,Normal +5441,want to say it's lullaby,Normal +5442,"If so, it's good to see.",Normal +5443,"I wonder, why are you not tired of running around in my mind?",Normal +5444,I love baekhyun,Normal +5445,Yaaah,Normal +5446,Adf- name 3 main reasons you have to stay alive,Normal +5447,"dream of being a kindergarten teacher, where are you told you have to teach science lessons right on the spot. luckily i'm the one who dreams smart",Normal +5448,"Oh my God, I can't wait to see MARK PERFORM BOOM with RIDIN' TP tomorrow will also be very busy",Normal +5449,"After all, this idiot has lost more than 1 million, where are you asking for relief from me, he doesn't apologize at all for slandering me for selling fake goods '.",Normal +5450,Don't make your busyness an excuse not to call me!,Normal +5451,Want to buy something but don't know what to buy //cry,Normal +5452,"Nabilah likes science, art, religion, English lessons #NabilahFacts",Normal +5453,May all hope be lucky in thr jha la,Normal +5454,there are scars that leave scars but I can't see it apuzzz,Normal +5455,aaaaaaaaaa what should i doeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,Normal +5456,"Come on, those who want to check the 5k/2file turnitin..#zonauang",Normal +5457,"Today is the deadline for my final project, I feel like it's not optimal yet",Normal +5458,como q ripeo jyp??,Normal +5459,como que jyp se murio,Normal +5460,Those who have an account are being chased by a deadline :(,Normal +5461,Tired but must be enjoyed ™‚,Normal +5462,"[bb] recommend a velvet/matte lippie that doesn't transfer, please, for the inner ombre, it's up to you whether you want local or foreign brands, thanks",Normal +5463,good morning world😻,Normal +5464,"Hadoohh, this clock can be sped up to 4 in the afternoon bro WKWKWKWKWK can't wait aaaaaaaa",Normal +5465,"â « BTC up 0% since last 24H â «..Rp859,752,000 -> Rp.861.337.000",Normal +5466,#incoming moneyzone?,Normal +5467,"But I can't stop. Must continue to grow. See you in another chapter, ily.",Normal +5468,OH MORNING MORNING GO TO THIS LOCK ACC,Normal +5469,allahumma lakasumtu †♀ï¸,Normal +5470,"After teaching my nephew math, it's really fixed, I can't be a teacher aka I can't wait guys",Normal +5471,30 minutes to the NINGNING teaser,Normal +5472,Lots of shopping,Normal +5473,"I'm not very good at spouting, so sorry if I keep.",Normal +5474,"The Governor of East Java asked the Regent of Pacitan Indrata Nur Bayuaji and Deputy Regent of Pacitan Gagarin to focus on strengthening the agricultural, fisheries, tourism and human resources sectors, especially in the vocational education sector.",Normal +5475,"limit of 3 days, so you have to take it slow hope it smells good today ° + big win ™ˆ good for snacking on novels —",Normal +5476,off new all,Normal +5477,"uh, what's so unclear",Normal +5478,#í'€ì‹¸ë¡±ì‹œìŠ¤í…œ010x8871x5266하니실장.#ë…¼í˜„ë ™ë£¸ì‹¸ë¡±010x8871x5266하니ì .#ì—ì‚¼ë ™ì•„ê°€ì”¨ë£¸010x8871x5266하니실장.#ê°•ë‚¨ì•„ê°€ì” ¨ë£¸010x8871x5266하니실장.#강남지ì¤'í•´010x8871x5266하니실장.#강남ë .sdewqq,Normal +5479,"I am in control of my own happiness. If you want to come, come on, if you don't, that's okay too. There will be things that you can't see and find in other people, other than in caves.",Normal +5480,Long-term suffering. It's been two years eh..PKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKPKP.............,Normal +5481,Good morning,Normal +5482,#ì—삼룸싸롱010x5934x4115하니실장.#ì—삼미러초ì 010x5934x4115í•˜ë‹ˆì‹¤ìž .#강남야구장가격010x5934x4115하니실장.#ì—삼야구장룸010x5934x4115í•˜ë‹ ˆì‹¤ìž¥.#강남하드í'€010x5934x4115하니실장.#sexy.qwrwrwqw,Normal +5483,#ì„ —야구장010x5934x4115하니실장.#ë§¤ì§ 010x5934x4115하니실 .#ì²œí˜¸ë ™í'€ì‹¸ë¡±010x5934x4115하니실장.#강남하드í'€ì‹¸ë¡± 010x5934x4115하니실장.#ì„ 010x5934x4115하니실장.jk;0-[o;p,Normal +5484,let's do the job,Normal +5485,Guess! Am I on or not? '-',Normal +5486,"-rl Is there anything I can ask for, can you please fill in the birthday padlet or not? If anyone doesn't mind, I'll dm you later. Thanks in advance <3",Normal +5487,CHAT,Normal +5488,"Oops, I'm still so tired",Normal +5489,a relationship based on lies will not last long. try to prove it. what do you think?,Normal +5490,I finally have a baking sheet for making bread whheheh I didn't buy an oven,Normal +5491,My love is blooming in the campground,Normal +5492,"Adeuuuuh, just now I have a headache",Normal +5493,excited oyy,Normal +5494,indihom why?,Normal +5495,noooo jyp,Normal +5496,"Pls dritadi Ni-ki's template, why? I just got a cellphoneðŸ˜""",Normal +5497,Toy temblando kahdkakd ayuda,Normal +5498,"Why haven't I been so sleepy since when, I've slept for 10 hours and my body is still tired and sleepy, why is that",Normal +5499,Forcefully kuchalna or samul naash hi ek matra solution hai jihad or jihadiyo ja..#IndiaStandsWithIsrael,Normal +5500,"two days is enough, let's rest, let's get excited, let's look for cuan deuiiiiii 'ðŸ¤'🤯",Normal +5501,Is it crowded right now if you play? awwwwww,Normal +5502,â What time do you usually look for friends?,Normal +5503,"[BB] Spill towqo that sells Korean clothes like that, guys. Thanksâ",Normal +5504,"Cute. Priceless, loved, the center of attention.",Normal +5505,"Spain, Singapore and South Korea are really dream countries after Mecca",Normal +5506,so proud of dream,Normal +5507,the stomach is already really weak,Normal +5508,como q jyp colgo los tennis,Normal +5509,"Who would have thought that those who wanted to go to Jogja would only have gas, now you have to buy plane tickets first "".. Gosh please dolan",Normal +5510,"I want this..... I want that.... Be patient, be patient, there will be time hehehehe",Normal +5511,On twitter I worship,Normal +5512,"Well, I don't regret buying chirepent the next day there is news like this cake🥲ðŸ™",Normal +5513,"mls, it's still early, there's a family drama '",Normal +5514,just smile,Normal +5515,[K1-B104] 2021/05/10 11:30:03 [21.8 C] [1002 hPa] [41.5%] [Unit temp=33.6'C],Normal +5516,Asmelo *folla,Normal +5517,"Proving love to someone who is hard to believe the one we love is really hard "")",Normal +5518,[cm] Has anyone received a circular from the campus that Monday has started the holiday but there are still lecturers who force me to go to college? hi we have the same fate,Normal +5519,What's a good application for crypto trading?,Normal +5520,"Come on, let's go back to being cool, first time again",Normal +5521,keep it steady,Normal +5522,"Tired of being invited to go on a date with Jeki. It's been rejected, it's still there",Normal +5523,"wow cool, didn't watch it but used it",Normal +5524,Eid is only 03 days away...,Normal +5525,"Maturity cannot be measured by age. Old is for sure, adult choice.",Normal +5526,"The question is, what ointment do you use to get rid of itching scars?",Normal +5527,"Okay, I think I have to buy Soto Kwali Gemolong with Dawet, Mrs. Darmi, this big market",Normal +5528,waking up in the morning doesn't guarantee you success.,Normal +5529,"because yesterday talking to people who said ""okay okay"" now become talkative ngmbg ""ok ok""",Normal +5530,this morning .x : still working? Haven't had a day off yet?.y : I haven't died yet I haven't been on vacation .😂🥲🙂,Normal +5531,Burna Boy - Gum Body (feat. Jorja Smith),Normal +5532,"Looking at the folded money in the wallet in dim light, it looks like 100 thousand, when opened it is 10 thousand ²ðŸ¥²",Normal +5533,miss you?,Normal +5534,/dreamies how proud or not of dream? let's drop your last copy,Normal +5535,"Tanyarl, I want to ask, what is the size of the right jeans for tb 150 bb 47, right?",Normal +5536,Knowledge cannot replace friendship†.. (Patrick - spongebob),Normal +5537,"My mother is very strange, to entertain children in 1st grade, the Coboy Junior song is set. yes, understand. I'm the one singing²ðŸ¥²ðŸ¥²",Normal +5538,"Lm âš nit @ memb p1harmony, do you have one? Say '¸",Normal +5539,-/-/- 03:10 9psx B,Normal +5540,there is often a miracle on the 10,Normal +5541,this is still a licking lick thing hahaha,Normal +5542,kinrara city is still petaling right?,Normal +5543,12:00 PM - CurrTemp 12.5C MaxTemp 12.8C MinTemp 11.5C Baro 1009.2hpa Rain 10.8mm,Normal +5544,What do you expect from virtual?,Normal +5545,-/-/- 02:10 9psx B,Normal +5546,Kgen you yank ”,Normal +5547,b884cfe700p21DB3,Normal +5548,me: “the triangle warning is gone!!†jpj employee: “how can I not be???†me: “how would I know!!†each one has a different voice,Normal +5549,-/-/- 01:30 9psx F,Normal +5550,"True love cannot be seen or heard, it can only be felt by the deepest heart.#BUTTREADY_ON_BBMAS #7I_MILLION_SELLER #Usia_25",Normal +5551,861b2d82-018e-4452-bdb5-fbab46b38feb,Normal +5552,03:30 Temp: 11.8oC Hum: 87% Baro: 995.9 hPa Wind Avg: 0.1 km/h Gust: 1.6 km/h Dir: SW Rain: 1.8 mm,Normal +5553,"Assalamualaikum and good morning Monday, 28 Ramadan everyone... —..Be grateful for all the blessings of Allah SWT, from the smallest to the biggest blessings... ²",Normal +5554,"bullying habib, sometimes wedi is bad, but how come it's funny",Normal +5555,"It's really lazy, God .. How come it's this late '. Usually at this time I would have slept again - due to the night shift - but now...",Normal +5556,"Truro,NS @ 11:30 PM, Temp:6.6 C,Feels Like:7 C, Hum:95%, Wind:0.2 km/h SSW, Gust:3.2 kmh WSW, Baro:1009.5 mb, +0.2mb/hr, Rain: 9.2 mm",Normal +5557,"JIMINNNNN UGHAAAAAA, HIS HAIR IS ICE CREAM CAKE WITH THE PICTURE OF A LION",Normal +5558,f7f337f7-5453-4ad9-b957-9af4593ccfd4,Normal +5559,D'Angelo - Brown Sugar,Normal +5560,-/-/- 00:10 8psx B,Normal +5561,ptn! How many umptkin questions are there usually?,Normal +5562,DING DANG .,Normal +5563,AAKKKKK HAPPY TO SEE DREAMIES,Normal +5564,oh my god my lips are red,Normal +5565,want to wash it but don't want to wash it,Normal +5566,'› anyone have a thread to unlock an account that forgot the number?,Normal +5567,u like cravat dikis,Normal +5568,"Does this test come in? If you enter, please like, sfu #zonauang",Normal +5569,I miss it but I can't do anything it hurts.,Normal +5570,"ARMY!!!! Can I ask for the tagline, please? i missed",Normal +5571,DE DONDE SACAN LO DE JYP DIGAN,Normal +5572,-/-/- 12:30 8psx F,Normal +5573,"Ask about the faq bucin that I envy when I see a girl who is close to her father, on the one hand I'm very happy to see it but on the other hand I'm jealous HAHAHAA",Normal +5574,rice takdok,Normal +5575,Uh naninani,Normal +5576,"I'm tired but there are more tired than me, namely parents",Normal +5577,"That's the same thing as typing, it's better to just die there",Normal +5578,I have a full B license but I can't ride a motorbike. It's okay to have a dizzy scooter at home. ..But the best cam is to buy a motorbike & for those of you who use it. It's normal for ip11 only now I feel cam mehhh,Normal +5579,penis 8154178,Normal +5580,"It's really scary, when I check old news, it turns out that many who sell kidneys are only paid for by cellphones ±ðŸ˜±",Normal +5581,thx! tum asks yoshi birthday twibbon. thank you,Normal +5582,"[tb] I don't want to ask, if I listen to the boy on YT music does it count the views? or is it better to just yt? thank you",Normal +5583,"Sorry /beauty/ , I don't understand makeup and I was just given cushion, eyeshadows, loose powder, lip cream, and blush. After skinkeran, what do you really use first? ™ »",Normal +5584,Dear task:. You are very possessive,Normal +5585,"Hi! Mutual with small account yu, m19",Normal +5586,It's also a problem if the teachers are not fluent in English. Even simple things can be confusing and messy.,Normal +5587,"where are we, I'm sad this morning",Normal +5588,wake up just because you're sick,Normal +5589,"Deobuy pink pajama that has been accepted if you can, drop pwice yaa",Normal +5590,"izask! how much is the wony 3d peace sign pc market, ready ina?",Normal +5591,"uy There are F who are both looking for partners? which is not only about sex, but also can discuss many things and likes to share daily complaints. ..Come on, let's move closer and get to know each other first. If possible, both Jabodetabek...M25 Jakarta",Normal +5592,Allahumma innaka `afuwwun tuhibbul `afwa fa`fu `annee ™,Normal +5593,"FWB! F Bekasi-Setu who doesn't go anywhere on vacation, Kuy has room/culinary... M25",Normal +5594,HUA DEGDEGAAAAAN,Normal +5595,"[bakor] what's the Korean word for ""fasting""? thanks very much",Normal +5596,Ptn! Has anyone registered for UNAIR using KIPK? What's the source of the cost then? Parents or scholarships? thank you,Normal +5597,"Against patriarchy, but likes to feed the male ego by glorifying basic things. Adaaaah adaaaahhh~",Normal +5598,"even though usually the porridge is delicious, then I don't know why it's tasteless now. At first I thought I lost my taste when I asked my sister but it turned out to be really tasteless",Normal +5599,"en! psrn bene only aladdin how much huh? want to sell, I'm confused, how much is the price",Normal +5600,/beauty/ What are you doing with acne? I've compressed it with avoskin mrt but the head doesn't show up,Normal +5601,/vsm/ gxg morning sex? who likes frontal -dom,Normal +5602,my girlfriend is so cute,Normal +5603,tea! Diona's build as healer+shield is it suitable for what art?,Normal +5604,"Deosell juhak 3rd clean fankit kr 33k, Eric clean kr 45k",Normal +5605,"Be enthusiastic about living today, don't worry about yesterday's mistakes, just take it as a lesson so it doesn't happen again.",Normal +5606,"ask guys pls help me recommend an eyeshadow that is pigmented but cheap, if it can be good for smokey eyes, thank u!",Normal +5607,"Hlt! For those of you who have hemorrhoids or hemorrhoids, for example, what do you do when you go to the doctor? Did (sorry) check into that section? Or just ask and be given medicine? Sorry, I've never been before that. Thanks :)",Normal +5608,"Boss! I used to love being a muscular girl, but once in a room the guy asked for rimming, the bool was already loose, the more muscular guys come here, the more muscular guys have been hit. I didn't expect that with a muscular guy who mostly turns. F,23",Normal +5609,"[hbl] What is the song Run to You? I don't know, I'm afraid of misinterpreting",Normal +5610,"- Come on, those of you who have oily skin, don't use what brand of face mist/setting spray? worried about me or tuku :(",Normal +5611,"-May I ask, hehe. Which album is Everlasting Shine included in? Still dreaming right? Btw the spirit of drunken domanggalka~",Normal +5612,River Where the Moon Rises makes me tired because the story is really serious. The transition from Jisoo to Inwoo also includes jomplang and different character vibes~,Normal +5613,"Ptn! If you register for m4nd1r1 unpad, can you choose two or two (scheme 1&2 )?",Normal +5614,"Hom! Looking for a good friend F to talk to or tell stories, thankfully we can eat together, but I'm not good looking",Normal +5615,"Mvs, is there a movie about virtual dating, it's so random when suddenly people watch a movie that has a plot like that",Normal +5616,"I'm amazed, bro, I want to know a girl and then grab the filter, sec, do you understand the function of the filter, don't you?",Normal +5617,Aw ah sleepy pen sleep again,Normal +5618,Finish your demot let's start to the top..ðŸ,Normal +5619,"It's important, I use the Sundanese language later, for my mutuals whose line is 08 below my bub pls",Normal +5620,asahi y yedam varones d agus ™ðŸ »,Normal +5621,Tmask~ anyone still looking for jeongwoo's FA post?,Normal +5622,â Disney+ Hotstar.. ••1 month sharing 18k. ••3 months sharing 35k..t. Anyone selling Netflix Disney+ Hotstar,Normal +5623,-/-/- 23:40 8psx H,Normal +5624,Which is the correct template?,Normal +5625,"Siwon's characteristic when you are a fan or someone he knows is by raising his hand with only the thumb, index and middle fingers",Normal +5626,Hey epriwan📢,Normal +5627,"Ben pung sakjes the leftovers that should be for the children of 3 gentlemen who happen to be big fans of the Ono club, cancel it, and transfer it to someone else. Because the action is not commendable by sending wa bullian early in the morning. That's it.",Normal +5628,avatar or not macky😆â,Normal +5629,-/-/- 02:30 7psx F,Normal +5630,hours per hour,Normal +5631,"☠press the like button to get a follow from aq xixixi, using jeon wonwoo as my ava. Kinda selective —¿",Normal +5632,"Don't have high expectations for people you just know, even if you've been friends for a long time, because if you don't match what you have, you'll be disappointed ^^",Normal +5633,"The first vaccine is ready, just waiting for the announcement to go offline or not🙃",Normal +5634,bye besties want to continue school,Normal +5635,¿Antuuuuna?😳😳,Normal +5636,"He said to make his life more calm and happy, try to 'be here and now'. Enjoy the present moment ceunah. But on the other hand, there are also people who worry about hampers.. Humans are also called …",Normal +5637,"Ndue Konco, how come you don't get emotional? Hey, are we friends?",Normal +5638,does anyone want to give me thr..,Normal +5639,"Eh, yesterday, there was an idea to make me, now why did the idea go away",Normal +5640,NAJANAJAKAAJSUSNSJ KOYA TODAY IS OPEN YA ARGH,Normal +5641,morning to noon moods!🙌🠻,Normal +5642,the part of the hand that is rotated by the CANDU BGT ASELI,Normal +5643,"""The body does have age, but the mind is eternal.""",Normal +5644,Sowon is a real security guard like,Normal +5645,"After eating fried noodles with cheeseball, it's really delicious, cry",Normal +5646,"real talk, people who hate, talk shit, slut shaming other people on social media, actually in real life, how can you have a zero attitude like that, you just hide behind the keyboard after seeing the PP (mostly ig) it's nice to look at or not what to brag about ®",Normal +5647,lay down lay down,Normal +5648,kenjaku yknow what🤤🤲ðŸ,Normal +5649,-/-/- 15:30 7psx F,Normal +5650,Oftentimes I don't want to talk to someone because I feel that their answers sometimes make the problem worse :),Normal +5651,more and more uncomfortable with my current school.,Normal +5652,"The closer I want to be to Raya, the more I want to work. Back early can ah? ™ƒ",Normal +5653,"our physical strength is already strong but don't forget the digital too... Let's be more enthusiastic so that this time CB Drramies can get more trophieskkkkkk, EXCELLENT!!!!! ”¥ðŸ”¥",Normal +5654,"DOGGGGGGG. PLS PLS PLS ALREADY HAVE 7 YEARS OF OLD CRUSH, AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME HE MUJI & LIKE MY PHOTOS. ..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG WHY YES.",Normal +5655,Good morning from me who is rewatching BSD for the umpteenth time,Normal +5656,"QOSHIEXHEOSHWOZHSOSJOAKAJXKWKK-&$/9&-2)-9/782$/&2&:&:7:&2&&.&2&.$/&:&&/6 /828/&8/$/$2!:$&:jsiiwoi$:82&.& hehaosj@ @:"":9.7-!?:)3&;&$:!.!/$8&9:""9484&:'",Normal +5657,I haven't made a greeting yet (ï½¡â€¢Ì â€¢Ì€ï½¡),Normal +5658,Finally got a day off,Normal +5659,"After asking, I've eaten and then disappeared, it's normal",Normal +5660,11 minute video but upload takes soooooo hours~,Normal +5661,really true,Normal +5662,-/-/- 05:00 7psx L,Normal +5663,-/-/- 04:00 7psx L,Normal +5664,"It's not that I'm not grateful, God, but how come I always get a job that's hard to reach for me who can't ride a motorbike :(",Normal +5665,"9. NO LUCKY, HENTAI, YAOI OR YURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!",Normal +5666,"I'm surrounded by people who are ckp covid19 only propa, antivaccine etc. Sad taste. I've lost 2 cousins ​​due to covid. You can even play around too. Hmmm",Normal +5667,"my! I want to ask for the BBMs vte it will be a web, tiktog, insta, right?",Normal +5668,the set of scented cake bats I say,Normal +5669,I can't find Jisung crying during the ridin era,Normal +5670,Anyone monitoring my acc,Normal +5671,"I don't want to discuss together.. I was told to think for myself.. It was my turn to make a decision, blamed it.. BGSD",Normal +5672,Start rearranging my life schedule :†â€,Normal +5673,Do we have HT or not? Is it quiet?,Normal +5674,btw kim bum's smile hasn't changed since before. still cute makes me charmed,Normal +5675,What tourist attractions are still open in Jakarta?,Normal +5676,"[Help]..ARMY only let's be mutual, help 100 follwrs Make a vote🥺. Rt/like pls. Thank youðŸ'œ.#armyhelparmy",Normal +5677,alg tem remini?,Normal +5678,"I'm the type who never wants to be complicated with my crush/doi, I'm going out with anyone or chatting with anyone, I think it's a waste of time if it's really you that he wants, he won't do that, okay, wow.",Normal +5679,-/-/- 10:00 7psx L,Normal +5680,mr kt sleep before dream cb,Normal +5681,"I'm not someone who is chasing a salary of thousands just for the sake of salary. You know what, it's true that your parents, the bigger your salary, the more difficult it is. You know what? If you have a high salary, you will never feel grateful and the things you always do are quite good.",Normal +5682,"For those who want to order a video, you can request it, dear.#pasutrilampung #3somelampung",Normal +5683,how is this woii,Normal +5684,"I'm so excited to be working on a proposal, you know you're still being taught how to cry",Normal +5685,-/-/- 06:50 6psx J,Normal +5686,-/-/- 05:10 6psx B,Normal +5687,"Healthy skinny supplies before Raya :..1- Avoid sweet food/drinks. Later acne will rise.. 2- Buy betik, lemon or coconut water for smooth digestion. 3- More vegetables & protein and reduce carbohydrates. .4- Standby vitamin C.5- Drink 8 glasses of water @ 3L every day.",Normal +5688,what is kombekkkkk?,Normal +5689,"Ouch, it's been 3 days my head is very busy thinking (positively). Do things stop overthinking ✨",Normal +5690,Have you ever slept and thought like that?????? wake up tired alone,Normal +5691,-/-/- 00:00 6psx L,Normal +5692,Keep spirit yor Teens_Yori,Normal +5693,wiiiiiiile!! Oh my!,Normal +5694,jyp se muri0?,Normal +5695,"I want to give a self-reward, how good is perfume/shoes/sling bag?",Normal +5696,Tweet: jckwKFf0AIFBzVsKnDxOIk1tBAx60AkNgNNjOm4KpLDJgqSSUu1g4UkMllCjRgj5tV70lg 2021-05-10 02:29:55 +0000,Normal +5697,soms sooo si🙄,Normal +5698,"My hair will fall out every time I comb it, but it won't stop, I'm sorry",Normal +5699,Two games in a row enemy cumbackðŸ' ½ðŸ˜,Normal +5700,-/-/- 05:30 6psx F,Normal +5701,Is there the same?,Normal +5702,SBS_MTV #ë ”ì‡¼ #GOT7,Normal +5703,#GirlFromNowhereNetflix season 2 has a bit of a twist because Yuri's appearance and disturbing madness eps 5&6,Normal +5704,Hi I just woke up,Normal +5705,By Allah choi san wears glasses..,Normal +5706,"HI EVERYONE ..for those who are confused and have difficulty doing their assignments, you can use my services!! .🌻Jockey for SD-SMA & Lecture.🌻type/write/summarize/translate.»poster jockey/ppt/mindmap/simple design .or any task as long as I can afford it, just DM me! #jogitas",Normal +5707,-/-/- 14:30 6psx F,Normal +5708,"(There's no dislek system in the timeline, right? Do you want to be dislek like Toashi)",Normal +5709,"Earlier, I wanted to print my assignment at the photocopying place. Then the computer doesn't turn on, while behind me, there are 2 men and women in line. I'll ask the mas, who has a photocopy of it",Normal +5710,"Well, stop it. Looping without permission to enter the room of someone from a different company, immediately cut off the conversation of another person in the meeting. Yes, bro, one room is ignored, right? Luckily I wasn't kicked out. Serious attitude and manners are really important. I want to do it but it's too bad hahaha",Normal +5711,Tweet: jckwKFf0AIFBzVsKnDxOIk1tBAx60AkNgNNjOm4KpLDJgqSSUu1g4UkMllCjRgj5tV70lg 2021-05-10 02:29:54 +0000,Normal +5712,why are people at the stalls not panicking? why am i panicking?,Normal +5713,where's ningsih,Normal +5714,It's not easy to forget the memories we've had together :') #ForMantan,Normal +5715,"Because I'm bored like this.. a lot of ckp but x action, I'm still the same.. the longest I've been waiting for.. last2 my spark is getting less and less, more motivated n more and more I feel like I'm making everyone silent..",Normal +5716,"I'm already big but I can't position myself according to the conditions, poor caper",Normal +5717,the connection is working but why is my tweet not working,Normal +5718,-/-/- 16:40 5psx H,Normal +5719,"Raline and Renata will be so lucky later, huhu why are they so complete as a girl",Normal +5720,"This morning's dream of wanting to tattoo Squidward's hand on the hand, it's funny. . .",Normal +5721,I really hope intl fans will also stream it jor jor an like when maw.. bismillah huh......,Normal +5722,"[FACT] Numbers that Donghae likes: 3, 6 and 9",Normal +5723,-/-/- 13:10 5psx B,Normal +5724,Nae nae fo ya mama,Normal +5725,PATLADIM.SIKINTIDAN.AQ,Normal +5726,"No need to focus on thinking about people who hate us, because there are still many people who love us.",Normal +5727,what is worried is no longer about Eid clothes. But; how to mentally prepare so you don't cry because you have to block the distance from your parents :'),Normal +5728,“You want to be respected but you look down on othersâ€city hunter,Normal +5729,"Cr! Is the CV required to use a photo or not? Sometimes I'm afraid that if we don't get an interview, we'll continue to be marked like that by the office people. Maybe not? :(",Normal +5730,HT login test? #moneyzone,Normal +5731,dizzy,Normal +5732,I hate mondays,Normal +5733,-/-/- 04:40 tokutaka7710 H,Normal +5734,"Iqbal, who is handsome, has a lot of money, and is loyal to Zidny. Unclean",Normal +5735,"lol... it's a pity that there's no ca so we'll talk about that in rp. where nobody cares. very sad. it's better if you update it already sono, it's been discussed like that bruakksksk",Normal +5736,"""When you miss someone, look at the sky. Even though you can't meet, you are still under the same sky."" Min of Miss A",Normal +5737,"If the result is not the best, do you have to admit it again? †'«",Normal +5738,Get well soon,Normal +5739,Why do you keep thinking,Normal +5740,"because if you say you have to tell me to hurry up, there's already a lot of people in the world growing up..",Normal +5741,Kuy! wtb tf won 2.13 can fund or bni drop clean,Normal +5742,want to play rt deals,Normal +5743,"an hour ago I just said ""Yesterday I was very happy, I hope today is not too sad"" and now I'm crying because of my own stupidity",Normal +5744,SBS_MTV #ë ”ì‡¼ #GOT7 #욘쟈ì,Normal +5745,"You know, two more days to Raya",Normal +5746,"Oh, I think so",Normal +5747,"all of you are liars you said yesterday you didn't have money, you know that this is 1.7 million copies",Normal +5748,Just want to move :),Normal +5749,Ellam kingini mingini photos ah irukae nammalta ..#ChildhoodMemories,Normal +5750,Please realize that it is an impossibility that I can have :),Normal +5751,wait wha- didn't expect to meet woiðŸ˜,Normal +5752,"it saves time, but the money to pay doesn't save £",Normal +5753,Udiehzjx mapagal na naman right,Normal +5754,With My Honesty - Chika Takami x Yoshiko Tsushima x Dia Kurosawa,Normal +5755,"Yes, it's time to block it with a tank",Normal +5756,"Good morning, want to know something?. The magic of the dancer, .He can live with a single organ.. Wallahualam bi soab",Normal +5757,FS+9GKHk lvlup&âƒ'à âƒ'mt Vwi0hozð c🌜 i🕠ó ó ó ó ®ó ó vlzðŸ'©â€ â †'‹â€ '©0iw0Yrcr🧠»â€ ♀ï¸,Normal +5866,I'm tired of asking random people to play my genshin account...............,Normal +5867,Tired.,Normal +5868,KPD: Krunker Police Disappoint,Normal +5869,"After eating pussy last night, I had a fever today at work",Normal +5870,grunt,Normal +5871,just hungry,Normal +5872,Ni-ki is handsome,Normal +5873,Time to read the thread,Normal +5874,"Cook for Eid in less than 3 days, your lectures are not yet off - Mama while cleaning the house £ðŸ˜ðŸ¤—",Normal +5875,pink lamborghini,Normal +5876,"are you sure you want to be lazy? You are the second son, dim = family hope",Normal +5877,"Even though we don't have power over destiny but we have a choice, so be a man who is responsible for that choice, keep the spirit never complain and don't forget to always smile",Normal +5878,,Normal +5879,MISS KHAN PEPENG ARDAN,Normal +5880,"Ideally, 25 years old have joined an organization at least once.",Normal +5881,The worst thing is to go and close the link bridge,Normal +5882,Adoi forgot to think what to do for the 6th anniversary mx,Normal +5883,121k one manga🤔,Normal +5884,"Friends who chat only want to flex. It's good to serve it too. But Dese is really good, sister..why so julid anyway",Normal +5885,"jiancok, I'm just being squeezed and I don't start, I'm just talking about being bullied by a boyfriend. I'm garo opo2 tsay😀",Normal +5886,"Stop joking, because the heart needs seriousness.",Normal +5887,"If you look at the clothes in the closet, you'll think ""if I'm skinny, it's really good to wear"" And this is really torturous :(",Normal +5888,JdLNh85C,Normal +5889,lw,Normal +5890,™†ðŸ rwoq,Normal +5891,mðŸ'©â€ â †'‹â€ '©u &eszRy>ð s7o>x HNPmoq0y,Normal +5892,Don't forget to vote ',Normal +5893,aaaaaaaaa wrong,Normal +5894,I've just got up...,Normal +5895,"Arya, if you play futsal, you don't use a goal",Normal +5896,"""Increasing battle power will also increase the success of your Aim"" (Obito to Kabuto)",Normal +5897,Moving to Central Jakarta around Menteng today.. anyone want to fill the slot??,Normal +5898,Very sleepy ish,Normal +5899,"I'm annoyed, I'm happy, it doesn't take long, I immediately take a lot of photos when I'll try to have a chance like this the first time I saw Taehyung, it took a long time, so it's cool to know we're walking together while chatting like that, when we continue part 8",Normal +5900,I want to glow up so I think it's plastic surgery,Normal +5901,Ahhsjdlflallal I don't have time to open twitter,Normal +5902,"It's crazy Ramadan this year, Bimo only eats noodles once, noodles samyang at sahur even though before that it was almost every day huaaa",Normal +5903,ANTUNA,Normal +5904,Moving on from the virtual. Onward to the real world. Had missed each other even though sometimes there was a feeling of resentment. Then separated for one reason or another. Then returned to being strangers like they had never known.. Halah kantal,Normal +5905,It's really hard to be Malay without understanding this language.,Normal +5906,had space dayer bhal chi barlman ou para howa li ki ndm lhiwar,Normal +5907,morning everyone,Normal +5908,kenjaku fuckers DNI,Normal +5909,AAAA I'M SO PROUD OF GOING TO DREAMIES,Normal +5910,"The Messenger of Allah once delivered a STRONG WARNING ""Whoever fasts leaves his food and drink but does not leave dirty words & despicable deeds, then ALLAH SWT does not need fasting"".. (Ustadz Adi Hidayat)",Normal +5911,/ae/ duh can't wait for the Ningning teaser,Normal +5912,QWUEERRRRREEEEEEEERE QUEEUWUUEUQUEUUQU QUE!?#??#$?,Normal +5913,Dreamstan this year is crazy,Normal +5914,"My new habit is watching TV standing up :). It feels like I'm reading anjg's bulletin board, but when I watch it sitting on the bed, my neck is tired :)",Normal +5915,great wednesday can take a day off hehe,Normal +5916,"Never cry over what has happened, life must go on, with or without what has happened :) #IYUZ",Normal +5917,#PECAT WHOSE NAME IS SI ALI MOCHTAR NYEBELIN #,Normal +5918,My group sells heavenly aromatherapy aromatherapy masks🤡,Normal +5919,Jl+s5o9N,Normal +5920,DEGDEGANANSNAHABABS ABABAB,Normal +5921,"If you laugh you will be happy, even when you are sad",Normal +5922,seyih not kl pukimak.,Normal +5923,Furrrrr I almost sent pap rlðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ luckily it's still safe,Normal +5924,I'm cursing my stupidity todayâ,Normal +5925,what do you press for follow?,Normal +5926,"It has always been proven, that kindness determines the goodness of life. #MT",Normal +5927,"I've been waiting for a full album for a long time, once a full album doesn't buy it :( my base.",Normal +5928,I'm listening to the Wonderland song using the volume pol speaker right away hahahah✊🔥,Normal +5929,2 days left for Eid ±,Normal +5930,“The world is cruel to those without a mustache.†[Patrick Star],Normal +5931,"I complain about the burden of life. My friend even said; thank you very much bro, not everyone can live like you. ..Ookaayyyyy, but what do you have to be grateful for?",Normal +5932,"Oh Allah, I'm willing to lose him, rather than lose him his happiness",Normal +5933,/rp.Mmph....~,Normal +5934,"The pen makes halu2 wae with my son, but with my grandfather, don't shshshsh",Normal +5935,"Just last week's assignment I was asked to translate texts on contemporary philosophy on physicalism, metaphysics and others.... It's really hard to understand",Normal +5936,Niki's baby is engene,Normal +5937,"Well, don't forget this. bro.",Normal +5938,Very busy market,Normal +5939,renjun pogi,Normal +5940,"I HAVE BEEN DOYOUNG WITH JAEMIN STAN KEK EVERY DAY, my heart hibernates into the intestines",Normal +5941,"Sis, I asked for the insert kit.",Normal +5942,"oh let's be mutual, help rt, thank you",Normal +5943,"Let's join the streaming spirit later, 50M sabi lah!!!🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥",Normal +5944,The spirit of streaming and voting yuhuu,Normal +5945,I thought I left the laundry tbtb someone continued and it was finished ”😔😔😔😔😔😔 there's no magic in terms of doing chores,Normal +5946,"guys, read my pinned so much :(",Normal +5947,malaysia is getting more tenacious guys........,Normal +5948,getting sleepy,Normal +5949,Be grateful for what you get because you may not be able to get back what you have got.,Normal +5950,How many people do I want to do this? He's the only one left to do anything. Mmm trash,Normal +5951,"'ƒSPOTIFY PREMIUM INPLAN.ACTIVATION / RENEWAL . .1 month: 20k.2 month: 28k.3 month: 38k.4 month: 48k.6 month: 60k. .📌use customer/random email, full guarantee.ðŸ'¸ OVO/GOPAY/Shopeepay/DANA/QRIS",Normal +5952,Hareudang- banging-cold..A phase,Normal +5953,People are really quick to make fanart ;-;,Normal +5954,"not being a CB in June, yes, even though it's June's birthday to get a duid wkwkwk",Normal +5955,"If you want Eid, you can't be sad, come on, come on!",Normal +5956,It's been a long time waiting for these shopee items to arrive,Normal +5957,"hello keyya, looking for mutual nctzen and wayzenni who like jbjb and this friend, help rt/like yaa",Normal +5958,Illuminate the niches of my soul,Normal +5959,Have you ever been in a trance?,Normal +5960,Dieorg expect me to fill it in for Diorg? Hmmmm :(,Normal +5961,"Imagine if ""Your soulmate is a reflection of you""..Are you ready to face our reflection?",Normal +5962,Life will never get easier...But..you should be stronger.,Normal +5963,Poor randa sm oca🤣,Normal +5964,HUH WHAT,Normal +5965,wow. what is this thing going on,Normal +5966,"The Talibanization of the KPK or the infiltration of the KPK by radical groups. However, when there was a question about not using qunut as an indication of radicalism and the Taliban, there were several NU intellectual figures who criticized it, even the chairman of PBNU criticized it.",Normal +5967,My phone battery + money in the bank runs out quickly like a flowing waterfall,Normal +5968,anyone has an oath to me,Normal +5969,"If I withdraw the seller's balance this morning, when will the money come in?",Normal +5970,na saan ka na ba jdiwwjsiahah,Normal +5971,hannahgarreeeeettttt,Normal +5972,"Animals just obey their parents, how about you?",Normal +5973,KKKKKKKKKKKKSERIO,Normal +5974,Ohde aakhri saah te tera naaðŸ'«ðŸ¤ž. Baithi kol mer tu hoveðŸ'žðŸ'¯âœŒï¸,Normal +5975,"If your boyfriend has the courage to introduce you to his friends, there are 2 possibilities.",Normal +5976,"Last night, I made Ammar angry, I was the one crying. After that, Ammar asked, “Do you love to cry? Why are you crying? It's a shame it's the one who makes it, it's the one who cries†.. What else can I accuse Ammar of “the crew who made it†..Haha my fate is a man who has to come back",Normal +5977,Let's go #AncaMenujuHalal,Normal +5978,"Mtege Adek konafa MN 8er ""kon""",Normal +5979,"It hurts when you always remember someone in your every day, but he realizes that you are only there when he needs something from you.",Normal +5980,my first interview :(( wish me bad luck :(((() may God be on my side. Amen,Normal +5981,Wait... How come it's already 1.7 million???,Normal +5982,SegundzZZzzzz,Normal +5983,Tweet: vvQUPKelE3Y6jcZFrumkFEPR6cCT702RT2in9TfVndAI3XxeZOxvjVVIuNn4QTfJgDQms4 2021-05-10 02:29:34 +0000,Normal +5984,this is how you repay my love you tarnish the love i gave..is this how you repay my love you hurt my love for you,Normal +5985,"I haven't opened it for 2 days, it's all over, it's really late",Normal +5986,Only two days of fasting,Normal +5987,I want to try to make au guess what apk you use for twitter and normal chat? ”,Normal +5988,It's true,Normal +5989,Not really good ”,Normal +5990,"It's like, I guess....Ha sungwoon fans who follow shimya idols, it seems like they're Hanbyul fans too …😅",Normal +5991,"Durian skin chips, have you made them yet?ðŸ™",Normal +5992,"Krungu koe wis karo liyane, rodok was shocked but rapopo, I'm so scary og not crying",Normal +5993,handsome ranma,Normal +5994,mango >>>> watermelon,Normal +5995,todo mi tl es jyp,Normal +5996,Era so um tbt fora do he mrm pprt,Normal +5997,"those who don't like sardines, you guys are weird",Normal +5998,Tweet: vvQUPKelE3Y6jcZFrumkFEPR6cCT702RT2in9TfVndAI3XxeZOxvjVVIuNn4QTfJgDQms4 2021-05-10 02:29:33 +0000,Normal +5999,"If you think about it, it's really easy to ask someone's personal pic just by twitting,""quote retweet dis tweet with your upil/thumb/elbow/nose hair etc pic""",Normal +6000,"after going to l, are you coming in? #moneyzone",Normal +6001,"I know I'm sorry I may not be accepted, but I'm sorry for what I did.",Normal +6002,True goodness is the ability to feel the pain and happiness of others.,Normal +6003,"The dream is so random, why does there have to be that person? I miss you?",Normal +6004,Mom called and told me to look for ready made raya clothes because I was afraid that I didn't have time to prepare,Normal +6005,"I just woke up, what's going on »â€ ♀ï¸",Normal +6006,"The first time I went to work, I was so lazy, the people weren't cool",Normal +6007,Now I feel how people are stressed about this stupid pkp. Urgh,Normal +6008,the only nct fanfic that i trust is the set of tea images. I even dared to come to the book to get an id card wkwkwkwk,Normal +6009,"How come many little kids are circumcised, their parents are smart",Normal +6010,USRN CUTIE!,Normal +6011,It's just a mistake not to take wednesday leave but later want to use it on leave ©ðŸ˜©,Normal +6012,"Hi, yokk mutualan, SM booth or all fandoms are also sabi sabi^^ if you help like/rt yaa~ Thank Youu( ◜‿◠)",Normal +6013,"It's already holiday, I didn't realize that I forgot to attend too late",Normal +6014,I'm fb slowly yakkk afraid of limits ™,Normal +6015,"hopefully after my mom, my dad next. And I hope that the congregation of the mosque who takes advice, tells stories like the two of you so that they don't take the vaccine, they will be given sufficient guidance and information. want to pray badly, the month of Ramadan.",Normal +6016,"Invited to bukber with elementary school friends, then the event will be tomorrow, aka IMMEDIATELY REALLY IS ON....",Normal +6017,ja citaram panela IIIIHHHHH #EstreiaPowerCouple,Normal +6018,why are you talking about faker,Normal +6019,"This is ig, how to check likes from people, how come there is a picture of a supermarket",Normal +6020,"Engene only, anyone want to be transported to the back up acc?",Normal +6021,Wait a minute..... so tired why is this again gosh,Normal +6022,Yuuri Is Gross,Normal +6023,"structural packaging missed out, but want to FA in today checkâœ”ï¸ ™‚",Normal +6024,+ = steady ea,Normal +6025,"Btw, I'm not fasting, guys, I want to ask.. I haven't eaten breakfast but there is pineapple in the fridge and I really want it… if you have an ulcer, can you eat the pineapple right away? Or do you have to eat rice first â",Normal +6026,â jockey â..- tidying up the format of the thesis / final project and typo2.- making abstracts.- French assignments.- translating from French to Indonesian.- making CV.. DM please..#jokitas jockey #zonaba #zoneBU,Normal +6027,"I want to learn stock when I have opted for Micin coins, but I'm always lazy to understand it even though I've looked for the ingredients",Normal +6028,a little more 2mðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ™,Normal +6029,BACOT IS REALLY ASEM ORG CAN'T SLEEP,Normal +6030,want to cry,Normal +6031,"Already feeling grown up, children are always acting more and more sporty in the game because they don't have time to think / know the nature of envy and jealousy!!",Normal +6032,"Where have you been, why have you realized it now",Normal +6033,"You're like Natalia, you like to disappear but once you appear it only hurts.",Normal +6034,"what if we both get into a gang of criminals: I took your heart, and you took my heart?",Normal +6035,It's ultrakiddos best fandom,Normal +6036,"Is reading really that fun, isn't it?🤔",Normal +6037,"Right, they said school was off today, so I woke up late, I don't know, Anjeng is now at school",Normal +6038,Are your parents a pillow maker? Because it feels good to be near you.,Normal +6039,there's nothing to worry about,Normal +6040,Christian campus but 2 weeks Eid holiday who else if not my campus 'ƒðŸ'ƒ,Normal +6041,"Feeling worried, even though you actually have a God who is ready to help you in any case.",Normal +6042,"good morning aksa, who is not aksa ga morning '‹ðŸ »",Normal +6043,"Hey, what's wrong, why did I drop Niki's template, I left it",Normal +6044,It's so funny last night being able to fart like that on the motorbike and getting it,Normal +6045,"It's been a bit of a vacation, but the tasks are piling up, this even wants to change the matkul schedule again",Normal +6046,"I can't see updates on an account, so I'm confused",Normal +6047,"if you want to enter, help my people haha",Normal +6048,"LAST NIGHT THERE WAS CHAN'S ROOM YAA, I fell asleep UEUEUEUEUE😫😫😫😔",Normal +6049,Nayeon red hair g sie? Or pink??!,Normal +6050,Dami kong bestie yowo,Normal +6051,nishimura riki e lee heeseung —🌟ðŸ'—,Normal +6052,pls i-champ don't let the 100k test T_T be worth it,Normal +6053,really lazy,Normal +6054,My twtan is sinking how is this ekw,Normal +6055,"Doctor, if you're angry, you forget that tomorrow is Eid :(",Normal +6056,"The most updated news/info is really the most exciting, this is the platform from the camera logo",Normal +6057,"beyb I want to make a leot catalog, does anyone want to be a model? reply, who do you want to be, or the photo, you can.",Normal +6058,"Monday blues, kids. Be patient. Raya song is reverberating in my head. …",Normal +6059,"A GREAT PERSON will not bounce when insulted / insulted, even he will continue to smile, be patient and pray for the good",Normal +6060,lm â offer bo chaewon dong and whisper the price,Normal +6061,"'§doh, who's the one who makes the rules not to take a holiday from the 10th?..' that's your part, right?",Normal +6062,why give the dog a lot of work,Normal +6063,oiya btw new moots we haven't met yet! let's get acquainted so that g awkard bngt–,Normal +6064,"holiday air, the office feels grave....",Normal +6065,"Don't look at me like I'm a member of heaven. Dude, I'm a human. In fact, it may be that I sin more than you.",Normal +6066,who can make the book of state motherhood appear in front of my face this very second I pray to go to heaven,Normal +6067,BONK #ranboospace,Normal +6068,Watching: KAWAJI ZONE+,Normal +6069,"Hi, today Mile is opening. ️",Normal +6070,"Finishing business on time is a joy. Drink when you are thirsty, for example Ramadan, Increase Piety. '¯. #YPMFV",Normal +6071,"It's getting big like this, the feeling of wanting to buy Eid clothes has decreased, confused about what to buy",Normal +6072,Kisaki Tetta bastard,Normal +6073,I hope that before I have 2 heads I can fulfill my dreams.#age25,Normal +6074,Perghh lame crazy xopen twitter,Normal +6075,"every time I'm in the bathroom the network is bad, it's always bad 'ŽðŸ »",Normal +6076,"hi, I'm new again.. yesterday it was really hard to open twitter, a little scared :(",Normal +6077,hello i just woke up,Normal +6078,jeki makes me feel bad,Normal +6079,Chainlink $LINK and Polygon $MATIC just hit their highs!,Normal +6080,Life has never felt this uncertain.,Normal +6081,"Sometimes a girl chooses to be alone, not because she's waiting for the perfect guy, but because she needs someone who never gives up on her love #eak",Normal +6082,Iiiiyyaaa termine las tareas wiiii,Normal +6083,"Sie molek la ho. Anok is kind, or Pok g a spiritual appointment. But it's not enough to stay in the afternoon as Kijo. Pok plok keno click grab it. Even if it's really good, please book or grab it. Pok plok ride a wheelchair. Nk jalei pon x skirt.",Normal +6084,"Tired, the last 1 decade..I forgot how it felt to say: ""Try again next year, you can do it""",Normal +6085,como q jyp estiro la pata,Normal +6086,But the blue cake is lighter than the pink one ”,Normal +6087,"ba, let's mutualan with acc backup? ..# money zone #zonaba",Normal +6088,"Late tonight, I'll start sending the preview guys",Normal +6089,So I want a full set home kit,Normal +6090,pi en ice don't understand the meaning of time is money or what?,Normal +6091,cute guy girlfriend huh,Normal +6092,Does anyone have a regular shopee free voucher or not? Not the xtra,Normal +6093,"Imagine just waking up and then suddenly remembering that after Eid, the schedule for UTS means the laptop is broken again",Normal +6094,"Bored, do you want to rest, can you block everyone or not?",Normal +6095,What are you doing,Normal +6096,ui ui ui,Normal +6097,"""Art is a fragile thing, which disappears in an instant"" -Deidara",Normal +6098,"This is a revision, O Lord.",Normal +6099,han seo best boi â »,Normal +6100,"luckily I haven't seen that doctor again, aaaaaa shame. the doctor must remember this is stupid. another question another answer",Normal +6101,"those who want to see the cv just dm it, thank you for praying for titi, hopefully the prayers will come back to you, hopefully it will be useful 🥰",Normal +6102,"Do you want to go to #Bromo or to the #Madakaripura waterfall? Prices start at only 350 thousand, for more details, you can ask CP directly to make it more intimate :*",Normal +6103,"“To reach your ultimate goal, you have to be patient†(Tobi)",Normal +6104,"Pretending to do things one by one, slowly, slowly, it's okay as long as you're progressing, don't stand still.",Normal +6105,Very proud of dreamies🥺🥺,Normal +6106,sleepy lahaiiii... «,Normal +6107,"It's time for a shower, where are you going?",Normal +6108,Human behavior is weird.,Normal +6109,"In the morning, you have spoken without using sun block ~ outstation",Normal +6110,"People can only be surprised, when residents are prohibited from going home, it is foreigners who migrate to Indonesia.",Normal +6111,I'm stressed about this law school '†,Normal +6112,"my army friend on ig, invited to stream later on the 21st because he was busy in college. do you think he's the only one in college? but every day instastory spam the content is really annoying. I swear it sucks :)",Normal +6113,why am i sleeping,Normal +6114,"Bought lingerie but forgot to stay at home. Later when it comes, my sister will definitely want to unbox",Normal +6115,"…¤..ï¸ ..ODITI.. Come on, just wait for this poison to pass away...ï¸ ..ã…¤",Normal +6116,I regret that when I was in Madiun I didn't eat pecel rice,Normal +6117,HEH FAST ASTAGFIRULLAH,Normal +6118,it seems like it's new now that 8000 t is now 8550 t....,Normal +6119,"sorry, teaching friends to play twt while hiding this acc is a bit difficult, bro",Normal +6120,"all of a sudden you'll see someone else post a picture with him. later you will cam ""uh he's alive again"" HAHAHA kbye",Normal +6121,“Your future is death†(Hatake Kakashi),Normal +6122,como que jyp hizo la mword??,Normal +6123,"Later NCT 127 can come back OT10, let's win win, let's go",Normal +6124,Original super duper sleepy,Normal +6125,"OKAY OKAY, WHAT IS THE NEWS",Normal +6126,I don't block. Just mute and hide :(,Normal +6127,"Gosh, I got debuffed, - magic resistance + -armor. Time to buy BKB",Normal +6128,"warning! Chapelin can cause cancer, heart attack, impotence, and disorders of pregnancy and fetus.",Normal +6129,I could feel that the apocalypse was near. But I still haven't changed even a little bit.,Normal +6130,The smell of this curry spice is strong. Until he's not gone. Even using sanitizer doesn't work,Normal +6131,dear father a lot '•ðŸ'•.#LeeMinHo .#LMH_15th_Anniversary,Normal +6132,The day when the tupat hit kijo again,Normal +6133,8/7 more days to bye bye banner zhongli :],Normal +6134,Come to my heart,Normal +6135,"I really don't want to go fast until it's not dan2, but this exchange dock is dragging everything like. Even going on holiday is hard. Kang said it wasn't really full of commitment. Uh nutmeg bana hangs la!",Normal +6136,"Dealing with twes again, holding a stall, I'm still in the market accompanying mbah w blonjo iwak kebo :)",Normal +6137,Her father loves Freya so much,Normal +6138,"Mainasu ichido no ame ga furu~ kimi ga kureta namida~ | -1 degree rain falling non-stop, along with your tears for me~ | 7!! Oops - Baibai",Normal +6139,IT'S READY NOTHING MV HOT SAUCE IS OUT OF THIS HR,Normal +6140,if the repport of people in twt is sinful?,Normal +6141,"Name: nagato. Position: leader of akatsuki, god of amegakure. Nickname: destiny child, seventh pain. Village: amegakure. #bot",Normal +6142,want to rewatch noragomi,Normal +6143,I never thought that your presence would only bring pain.,Normal +6144,CRAZY BREAKING THE BGT YAMPUN RECORD PROUD OF YOU MY BOYSS,Normal +6145,I don't care but how fun can it be,Normal +6146,Bredda… Mi a try enuh,Normal +6147,still sleepy,Normal +6148,It's the fear of losing that makes me jealous too much,Normal +6149,"My prayer today: O Allah, I wish our event a success today, O Allah.",Normal +6150,"""In the end time only provides 2 answers, happiness and sadness."" -Natsu Dragneel (Fairy Tail) #EvilBot",Normal +6151,"If you don't have a garage, don't buy a car ***",Normal +6152,what do you think about the limit?,Normal +6153,Jakarta aquarium yu :(,Normal +6154,". ""When we strive to be better than we are, everything around us becomes better."" - Paulo Coelho",Normal +6155,"AAA LOTS, HOBBY HAIR + BREAST + OPEN BUTTON SHIRT + NECKLACE. MELEYOTT, HANG BNGT",Normal +6156,"Oh God, at this hour, I'm hungry, it smells like fried onions",Normal +6157,"give me 20 of your mutual armies to vote for bangtan, thanks",Normal +6158,park jihoon : â˜ºï¸ •ðŸ¤¨ðŸ™ .mba2 warden : °ðŸ˜ ©ðŸ'žðŸ¥ºðŸ¥ºðŸ¥ºðŸ¥ºðŸ˜£,Normal +6159,Niki best boyyy,Normal +6160,already know it's still Eid holiday,Normal +6161,kairita amputa,Normal +6162,WE MISS YOU XAVMI,Normal +6163,Raya this year is still sad!!! ️,Normal +6164,Ngl it's so true like I always isshokenmei making oshi's birthday altar meanwhile my birthday is just 'ok lay down again' lrt,Normal +6165,Mandilu na ku ba wa ali,Normal +6166,kepajatodo,Normal +6167,Typing without emote is like eating without chili,Normal +6168,Susiiiiiiiiiiii,Normal +6169,The event is still not ON. Miss? Just mention( â€¢Ì¯Ì .Ì®.Ì® •̯̀),Normal +6170,"eh Nadila_JKT48 what are you doing? Do not forget to eat, okay",Normal +6171,"Those who wait may be given the strength to be patient. Those who are looking for it may be easy to find. Those who are already together may be sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah.",Normal +6172,Dua Lipa Prints Her First Top 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart!,Normal +6173,"People, during Eid, eat rice cake, ketupat. Well, I have to have pempek, which pempek should also come from Palembang. It's really a pain for her son. Fortunately, bude wong palembang, auntie also lives in palembang. Just ask to send it.",Normal +6174,Are you clean yet?,Normal +6175,#wn: because I'm ganchar again I want to clean it,Normal +6176,gauattt,Normal +6177,"When I was in high school, I wasn't smart, I had a lot of SP, etc. But since college, my brain has started to develop, right, so my high school friends still think I'm ""stupid"", as a result, when I was in college, I graduated 3.5 years, while many of them didn't graduate, the college wasn't right, etc. Yes, it's called life.",Normal +6178,"Starting to feel different as friends, desperately taking care of your friend's feelings so that if I'm married, I can still come to you when I can, uh, I'm the one who doesn't know myself, but the mothers still want to join... yes, yes, yes",Normal +6179,"lol, it's so badass",Normal +6180,"Is there a sugar daddy over the age of 25, here there is a sugar baby in the 18-20s looking for uncle tajir. DM for Jakarta area",Normal +6181,I feel like crying looking at your fleet,Normal +6182,Pls stop playing the victim.,Normal +6183,"Dreamies, if the po is open in 2-3 days, you can definitely get 2 million woyy £",Normal +6184,WOI SHOCKED TO SEE JK KEK GTðŸ˜,Normal +6185,"Thank God, I think that more and more fans are now more concerned with buying albums than hunting for prints🤗 but remember, don't force it if you don't have money. It's not mandatory to buy albums—",Normal +6186,Go to Lolita Wati in the morning and have to search for tires and SSB ”,Normal +6187,It hurts when you see parents who can't do anything but their children don't know where,Normal +6188,"duh, it's not in vain in a dream that there was a bri notification last night, but in the dream there was a bonus, didn't you get the original THR £ðŸ¤£",Normal +6189,"Thank God my period is in the morning, so I can eat this afternoon",Normal +6190,"The more I come here, the more I feel like I'm in the wrong division... I'm not really interested in design hahaa",Normal +6191,"Panic! Still in the stomach, there's already a lot of behavior",Normal +6192,Hm can't hear this raya song,Normal +6193,Xixixi,Normal +6194,I just want Wan to get arini's vaccine...hopefully everything is fine..sorry you can't be there,Normal +6195,"â let's be mutual with gamora's father, cung",Normal +6196,"Oh, that's how it turned out to be £",Normal +6197,Love is always suspicious. Love is always suspicious. That is one proof that love must have.,Normal +6198,"Well, if you have hatred in your heart, whatever he does, wkwkwk",Normal +6199,como q se murio jyp,Normal +6200,"4 kg free-range chicken, rendang (lots of), 1 kg liver potato sauce, and ketupat.. Even though Eid is overseas, we must still feel the nuances of Eid.. Let's stop by again in the capital :)",Normal +6201,foo :-) : e0e462d7-9076-4f40-9b39-22fd05afaa5c,Normal +6202,babaiðŸ˜ðŸ'‹ðŸ ».again 3days sm jekiðŸ˜ðŸ'‹ðŸ »,Normal +6203,"One tweet is debating life and questioning one's existence. In another tweet, drooling kyj abs.. It's weird, you know, confused about the purpose of life.",Normal +6204,Looks like there are a lot of CB June's,Normal +6205,confused what to do,Normal +6206,"Isn't there any Ray? How's Dong? Miss? Yes, Mention or DM Juseyoo ^^",Normal +6207,"This morning I had porridge for breakfast, but the porridge was tasteless",Normal +6208,Morning?,Normal +6209,dowoon do you really use your own car now? why the hell are you so crazy @ ddl,Normal +6210,"recommend a good film, please, tonight I want to watch it",Normal +6211,"ah anjr, today i remedi ipa",Normal +6212,Demonyita talaga hisu nyo —,Normal +6213,como q jyp hizo pum,Normal +6214,"KENJAKU COVER???, ?@ ?@ ?,#",Normal +6215,INSTRU DYABBB,Normal +6216,como que fly high jyp ?,Normal +6217,"just woke up, do you have a ni-ki template?",Normal +6218,"I swear I want to hug dreamzen, it's really cool",Normal +6219,"It's best if there is a baby girl. Another person who gets a baby girl, I ask him where the baby girl is £ðŸ¤©",Normal +6220,ENJOY AT FINALLY CB AFTER DR EARLY MARCH CLOUDING YOU KNOW THIS HR DH CBðŸ˜,Normal +6221,spoil the mood this morning,Normal +6222,"If to be loyal is hard for you, is it easy for you to be betrayed too?",Normal +6223,“Living with gratitude will make the soul feel at peace.â€,Normal +6224,"If you see me, even half a day is not enough",Normal +6225,EU CJXUSIA LKISCQKS BNSJS,Normal +6226,Want to hug the children of my dreams,Normal +6227,Friends = Family,Normal +6228,"the account just dropped, let's mutual all fandoms help rt/like",Normal +6229,Complaining about spotty but still staying up late,Normal +6230,Most of the empty lesson hours are spent by students in the canteen #FaktaPelajar,Normal +6231,real team por,Normal +6232,ordered to the office at 10 while I was set at 10 still just woke up :),Normal +6233,"already 50 votes here, let's move",Normal +6234,²ðŸ‡¨ WTS BTS BUTTER VINYL + CASSETTE .. Already CO at Weverse Shop . Can DP first.. CO proof can check IG story,Normal +6235,Yakkkk manipulative gagu,Normal +6236,"wrong sleep, I'm so dizzy",Normal +6237,dream is so cool aaa,Normal +6238,"Love is like a roller coaster, full of challenges. some people are afraid some enjoy it",Normal +6239,"My prayer today: God, don't let my love for you be replaced by my love for your creatures. When someone who means the most has gone, do not remain sad.",Normal +6240,pgm kebab,Normal +6241,"Gk igt msa yr 2017-2018 dlok. diligent siot I molah cake. And in the night check, I can get 2 pieces of cake. Mk braya and other kpg like the kit, it's really good ² after all, klmj tiber plaque ”",Normal +6242,"hehe I've arrived at the hospital wkwkkw :).. I want to tell you a story just now, I was suddenly called...wkwkwk gabut so this is what I want to tell ya :)..",Normal +6243,Last night I put cola in the fridge but forgot to drink it,Normal +6244,"Sorry for---. My limitations in fighting, my lack of prayer, and my inability to forget you... If I wasn't your destiny, there are those who are more worthy of accompanying you, there are those who pray for you more, and are more persistent in fighting for you.",Normal +6245,Tokyo revengers â,Normal +6246,"At the end of the day, I'm not very grateful, oh God, I'm sorry",Normal +6247,mauu sunghoon :((,Normal +6248,Putting people down doesn't make you taller,Normal +6249,"hello, who knows who's taking orders for burasak again",Normal +6250,Horror.,Normal +6251,swimming pen but gi koronce :(,Normal +6252,"I don't have a problem with the assignment, but the deadlines are tight, hey",Normal +6253,"It turns out that there is an interesting abbreviation for cultural arts institutions here, namely GLAM (Gallery, Library, Archives, and Museum)...It's GLAM but not always GLAMorous.",Normal +6254,zzzzzzzzz georgina calahara a cascavel do piaui,Normal +6255,So why are people so cute?,Normal +6256,Office bukber via MS Team,Normal +6257,ichiro yamada hmu.,Normal +6258,"most like to give pearls of wisdom, make it fly like that. #girl",Normal +6259,sleepy days,Normal +6260,I've typed a long time to the sensor.#brokenheart,Normal +6261,Very cold..,Normal +6262,I want to rest but what if I win the giveaway,Normal +6263,it's been a while xixixi,Normal +6264,I didn't realize that yesterday my fast was canceled because I ate fiber cream. I just realized today . It's so funny!,Normal +6265,want to cry,Normal +6266,I swear,Normal +6267,it's mondayðŸ§,Normal +6268,hahaha sadistic.. frantic to prepare sahur until posting the wrong picture on IG for the job £ðŸ¤£ adehh. Luckily I noticed the PR but it's already 10 in the morning huwaaa,Normal +6269,And the father's obligation to feed and clothe mothers in a good way (2:233),Normal +6270,Even that feeling,Normal +6271,"you have to submit to me, you slave :v",Normal +6272,"Please don't use the argument ""there is no compulsion in religion"" as you please, so you can be free to do religious deeds with your own head. ..That verse is for non-Muslims only. “There is no compulsion to embrace Islam†..If you have converted to Islam, you need to follow the whole thing even if you are forced to.",Normal +6273,jo haseul,Normal +6274,I'm getting more and more stressed ™ƒ,Normal +6275,Yawa makahilak mn sd ko oy,Normal +6276,this is me why keep typo,Normal +6277,Hurry up for raya food,Normal +6278,want to be jasper liu again on the side // ”😔,Normal +6279,We're still in the lazy phase of dating but don't want to be alone either :),Normal +6280,Have breakfast in the morning ™„,Normal +6281,How about dating?,Normal +6282,"how come ado2re can scan, it's really good",Normal +6283,"Let's Liquidate THR Lebaran, WANT TO BUY A BOOK WOI",Normal +6284,"Even though I really want to meet you, even though I like you, you walk by before my eyes #SFK48",Normal +6285,oh it's monday,Normal +6286,Yoongi,Normal +6287,typing is cute,Normal +6288,"Manually calculating linear regression, you have to listen to my everything, if you hear misfit, you get even more emotional",Normal +6289,"Kaaan, so I want to buy the album",Normal +6290,"To achieve success, don't do something as long as you like, but with full discipline and seriousness ##MyAzaria",Normal +6291,I'm yes I'm not compared to others :),Normal +6292,"""If the Comforter that I will send from the Father comes, namely the Spirit of truth who comes from the Father, He will testify about Me."" (John 15:26). get, who rejoice willingly share. ™",Normal +6293,Yehh there's no limit ²,Normal +6294,"Jealousy is a disease, if you don't want to be sick, avoid being jealous.",Normal +6295,"nctzen wayzenni who likes jbjb let's be mutual! rt spy become rich, thank youu~",Normal +6296,"Oh God, when I read the CB news, I immediately felt sick to my stomach",Normal +6297,"I do my skincare routine every morning and night, so... When will my face look like Ms. Davika's?.. I think this skincare just helps so that I don't look more grumpy than now £",Normal +6298,"This timeline changes with age. The more mature, the more people post pictures of children including me",Normal +6299,The slow pace of phase 2 from Maybank I want to buy this album,Normal +6300,finally co aubree too ™‚,Normal +6301,BLM is a cult!,Normal +6302,recommended game kill people,Normal +6303,bm him,Normal +6304,it's very complicated,Normal +6305,"Using a special number, it's safer, doesn't it?",Normal +6306,I suddenly remembered OSKM and regretted that I had panicked because I didn't do my assignment at the time of collection and immediately contacted me (while playing on my cellphone) so I could help with the work (even though I wasn't officially a brother-in-law at that time) and apparently it didn't work either. nothing.. ”,Normal +6307,"Thr waiting, Hari Raya duty",Normal +6308,"Great, beautiful, funny, rich, even if you don't pray, you're still HAPPY!!!",Normal +6309,"The bigger you are, the smarter you are, the more stupid you are, who is stupid? me to you?",Normal +6310,"wait.... I just opened my phone, still digesting the comeback??? ð ð ˜ ð",Normal +6311,better watch jumanji 2 or the incredibles 2?,Normal +6312,there is a need? Dm/mention^^,Normal +6313,"The moment of ""Ramadan and Eid Al-Fitr must be awaited"" by many people..Can open & sahur with loved ones, reminding each other in kindness, being able to gather with family. ..But what comes to my mind is ""it's good that they can open it with their parents, have breakfast together, chat together..",Normal +6314,"I'm also worried about getting vaccinated later. That side effect is normal, right? But we haven't had covid yet, and we're already sick. …",Normal +6315,how many fingerprints does he want?,Normal +6316,"Oh, why the age of 25? I'm only 24 when I can buy boba with my own money, I'm already happy to cry",Normal +6317,#OpenFollow who wants to RT but #JFB . Followers *b.29,Normal +6318,"Today's heartbreak is when I just hugged my bolster to continue a more painful sleep, then the morning alarm with the wrong iPhone tone made me startled, I finally realized that I still had to work.",Normal +6319,#openfollow for RP . ReTweet juseyo not RT!!!!!,Normal +6320,"I don't stay away from them, they keep away from me.",Normal +6321,TWO X jjang!,Normal +6322,"pls, if you don't want to be a mutual, don't invite a mutual, if you're on fb don't follow it why, you're tired of sweeping it ™„",Normal +6323,"What the hell?! I just got back to twt, I just got news that the pre-order dream is 1.7M?!?!?! Kamu bercanda yah?! How cool is that?!?!",Normal +6324,BakRyuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,Normal +6325,Why are you so happy to see people talking?,Normal +6326,"Don't be salty, I just want to let you know that the BBMS voting will start tonight at 23.00, I just want to ""if anyone still doesn't know. .Thanks",Normal +6327,"If the file is retested again, just file it, I can't control it",Normal +6328,go to work before Eid while listening to TFP OST,Normal +6329,"""Hard work if we enjoy the work then the work will be easy to do and satisfying""",Normal +6330,“I got lost on the road called life†-Hatake Kakashi-,Normal +6331,"OKAY, FAST Snacking for the sake of CB Sebong, let's get excited",Normal +6332,"Oh God, I'm touched that there is a father who shouldn't be in so come in to accompany me",Normal +6333,Sisca Kohl's sister is beautiful,Normal +6334,night,Normal +6335,love enters a person's heart for no reason. And will control someone's heart more and more,Normal +6336,Let's control the voices of the people of Kab. Poor. #rendrasanusi #pilkadamalang #madepmantebmanetep,Normal +6337,diso yes ponla AHSKHASGKS,Normal +6338,"Oh God, this Eid is only a few days away, college is still running",Normal +6339,This campsite,Normal +6340,I have an idea to make a prompt but there is no character🤡,Normal +6341,Hey how are you?,Normal +6342,Why are these people not afraid of buber here and there. Do you want to be mothers like this? Afraid that buber will bring a virus or something for the kids,Normal +6343,Good morning and happy fasting to all my fellow singles (I say this because I know that you all have nothing to say),Normal +6344,kmk la stupid trip crazy,Normal +6345,The new Southers Worship song is really cool!,Normal +6346,"Have you ever been like ""ooh, is this how it feels like to be married? The nano-nanos are😅😂"". If your father said, ""it's normal to fight, but you have to keep smiling so it's not all hot""",Normal +6347,Makakalabas pa yata Bukas HAHSAHSA,Normal +6348,ueuweuwu ang labo na talaga ng mata q nasa please ko na in ko pa mabasa,Normal +6349,"If he chooses to leave you, don't beg him to stay. If he can't accept you for who you are, find someone who can!",Normal +6350,"Don't repeat again, filling in performance at the end of the week the padlock is active",Normal +6351,Check FAVS before follow beb (ã‚œãƒï¼¼)(ï¼ )ï¼,Normal +6352,First time off huh?,Normal +6353,/arg wants to save arg again but it's still old :(,Normal +6354,"My favorite BLACKPINK member is #LISA, how about you? Don't forget to watch BLACKPINK's special appearance at Shopee Road to 12.12 Birthday Sale LIVE TODAY at 19.00 on Trans7, NET, GTV & SCTV! #ShopeeBlackpink",Normal +6355,I like to forget myself if I'm no one,Normal +6356,thankfully still given the opportunity to find sustenance #MCO,Normal +6357,"HAHAAAA GET THE ASSIGNMENT OF MAKING A SCIENTIFIC PAPER BY NICHHH...... Oh, this is a fake vacation to us*",Normal +6358,Why DO Looks Like Morgan? '3',Normal +6359,70 kg ampota haha,Normal +6360,WANT TO BUY THE ALBUM OH GOD IS IT TOO LATE?,Normal +6361,Suddenly I feel grateful that my low school was not a public school,Normal +6362,Why did my shopeepay balance run out?,Normal +6363,aaa dreamies are so cool😻,Normal +6364,SELL WAKAI SHOES UNDER 180K LINE: EBF0414B 081213135476 Promo_Jakarta Bomb_Iklan Pusat Iklan promojkt adbdg wow_ads advertisingbdg,Normal +6365,"again, there are people who say that the age of 25 has to be this, that's what it is, it's really bad, I don't read self-development books, it seems like the one who made that talk...",Normal +6366,want this template,Normal +6367,Is there anyone selling avoskin mrt or not? The cheapest transportation,Normal +6368,"Nugas together from time to time...SD-SMP: at a friend's house, at an internet cafe. High school: in a friend's room/room, in the lobby, in the outdoor area. Face-to-face lectures: on campus, boarding house, at a coffee shop. Distance learning era lecture: ""Tell me, let's go on assignment, let me have a friend"" then videocall.",Normal +6369,only 2 hours of sleep,Normal +6370,My sister says guys are annoying because guys are cursed..WKWKWK WHO TEACHED HER WORDS CURSED🤣,Normal +6371,"I'm really dreaming about Jaemin :) his dreams aren't weird, just seeing how he's playing with his friends (MK, SC) like that",Normal +6372,"Now I'm afraid when it comes to other people. Afraid to be wrong, afraid to make it difficult. So question yourself.",Normal +6373,how about moving to wp?,Normal +6374,Good morning,Normal +6375,Long time no on erpe hm hm,Normal +6376,Susi,Normal +6377,"Mirin! Risa! Found! Hey! Nemo, Perorin! Admire it! #Dempagumi",Normal +6378,✨SELLING PREMIUM APPâ.-SPOTIFY.-CANVA PRO.-VIU.-WETV.-YOUTUBE.-NETFLIX..—guarantee (except VIU).—1x24 hour processing process.—payment via fund /ovo+1k/gopay+1k/shopeepay+1k,Normal +6379,Very worn.. I didn't drink at dawn :(,Normal +6380,"You shouldn't be in the mood for raya even wan's clothes don't buy me .. want to go buy .. then don't go ² "")",Normal +6381,"If someone already has a book, why do you offer me?",Normal +6382,"It's true that if you leave an account for a long time, it must be locked tightly '",Normal +6383,"I've never been in love this easy, this light. Even when I wake up in the morning, my memory goes to him, ""I can't imagine who I'll grow old with, except with him."".",Normal +6384,"La ni. Doc if I come back. Wei for la chan I want to take a leave. I think there is another colleague who can do that task. well hang ask him. From hang, ask me who is the doc on this leave. Talking is not the same as making",Normal +6385,"[To Yakumo] ""Master Kurenai sealed your power not because she envied your strength, but because she loves you!"" - Uzumaki Naruto #BOT",Normal +6386,to dice to ripeo el jyp,Normal +6387,"Learn to like various types of spices such as, cayenne pepper, red chili, and black pepper because all of them help burn fat up to 25%.",Normal +6388,"package, you came before Eid, huh?",Normal +6389,hi guys how are you i'm back,Normal +6390,Kajja VINCENZO PUBG MOM IS COMING YAY,Normal +6391,Adults who show secure attachment in romantic relationships tend to have secure attachments with parents when k ##bott,Normal +6392,Balloons😂,Normal +6393,business,Normal +6394,Danke par everyone who loves,Normal +6395,"sure your friend is loyal, try to check the cellphone there is a sub unit group or not",Normal +6396,"The body is really achy :""( lack of sleep",Normal +6397,It's time to really let go of your parents. This plan doesn't even need to be published to the family. This is my way.,Normal +6398,Want to be able to play the piano,Normal +6399,just woke up..,Normal +6400,I'm sleepy,Normal +6401,"btw, I'm on both accounts, I'm tired of going back and forth",Normal +6402,"I just woke up, I'm crazy...",Normal +6403,Life ends when you stop dreaming. Hope is lost when you stop believing. And love fail when you stop caring.,Normal +6404,"If you can't be the salt that salts fish, don't be the fly that rots it.",Normal +6405,Looking for missing people:..KJ - issue of mines workers .Radzi Jidin - issue of school sexual harassment.Annuar musa - jln TAR.Tengku Zafrul - moratorium+assistance for the people during PkP3.Hilman Idham - accusations of rogol.Mahiadin - Want to tell me to read the tahlil prayer for PN..RT see you,Normal +6406,"Ml! I have +24 (including top up), rep, I'll dm you later",Normal +6407,HALAH ASU LATE AGAIN ANGRY,Normal +6408,“Visualizing your dreams down to the details will get you used to dealing with them†(Lilian Glass) #WomenMelayuterakhir,Normal +6409,Those who are unfollowers just die there!!,Normal +6410,guardianship of Mrs. Roswati Yantu S.pd,Normal +6411,Feeling like cursing :),Normal +6412,qt nung tiktok niya & hahshakakak,Normal +6413,Tired of waiting until 11.00 ' until home pst at 12.00,Normal +6414,Do you know how it feels to be played in just a few hours... That's great,Normal +6415,Why is it that horror films with sick grandmothers are scary?,Normal +6416,"Why do you want to mesoh rasane so much, neng dodo? I rarely mesoh, once I want to mesoh, that means wis loro, I'm really heartbroken.",Normal +6417,"A world without light will. make flowers wither and die, so do humans (Konan)",Normal +6418,Begins from,Normal +6419,"Half an hour only discuss 1 proposal. Bismillah, when the part of my proposal was not discussed. It's great, just keep on going, sir!",Normal +6420,[RETWEET] if you are biased naeun,Normal +6421,"It's very quiet, I've slammed my cellphone",Normal +6422,Eid is getting more and more expenses so I'm confused,Normal +6423,"Before issuing a statement, it's better to read and understand the context first",Normal +6424,"Close clock, close clock, we're back at pkp😩",Normal +6425,It's been a long time since we've seen each other. I miss the gossip girls gang.,Normal +6426,only god knows i love you,Normal +6427,"What's more, I want to off",Normal +6428,Hello!,Normal +6429,"I'm the type of person, once I like it, I chase it until I get it. Once I love, yes I really love. Once sincere, yes sincere until stupid. But, once I was disappointed and let go, I didn't even want to look around.",Normal +6430,Don't trust words easily. It's better to see what's already been done,Normal +6431,Tips 11 ways to reduce women's anger :),Normal +6432,The saddest talk is the neighbor talk,Normal +6433,ANTUNA,Normal +6434,"It doesn't take long, it's enough that you like them, they like you and become friends... UDAHHH",Normal +6435,Close to Jiyoon 4minute,Normal +6436,you are the boss,Normal +6437,"Honestly, these 3 times, can you sleep before sahur, and maybe because of that you don't have sahur because no one wakes you up ™ƒ",Normal +6438,Basic tapioca,Normal +6439,"the qrt is funny:) yes, don't do group cpop booths if you don't want to have solo booths with akgaes wkwkwk oiya wayp or group cpop...?😀",Normal +6440,"#hubbystory, accompany your husband from 1 to 3, Alhamdulillah '•",Normal +6441,Rise up on twitter only for those aeon cases,Normal +6442,"Jutsu: Chidori, Goukakyuu, Gouryuuka, Heaven Cursed Seal, Kirin, Konoha Kage Buyou, Nawanuke, Ryuuka, Sharingan Soufuusha Sannotachi, Shishi Rendan",Normal +6443,"Who is still in class today? Yes, me. ”✋",Normal +6444,Traveling is following your heart and letting your feet step out to show the beauty of the world #TravelQuotes,Normal +6445,Tell me what interesting places I'm doing,Normal +6446,"Try to think about it, maybe the difficulties you are experiencing right now are because of your words that have hurt other people, so don't just glow your face but also glow your heart with your words, it's not too late",Normal +6447,Yes toyba,Normal +6448,"Sorry, I just remembered that I have father Avany Aki, where is that person? How come you can't see it",Normal +6449,JKT48_SAMPAH OLD 234,Normal +6450,POTA LUTANG,Normal +6451,"It's okay, yo be strongâ",Normal +6452,"Dreams that don't come true are dreams that are imprisoned by enemy number one, which is the fear of FAILURE. BBM 7FC70DAF Electronic Motorcycle Padlock",Normal +6453,"What do you think is the most cruel friendship, when someone calls you a friend but hugs you very tightly.#bucin",Normal +6454,"You can't get sick, let's take another vitamin injection/infusion that costs 1 Kpop album first. Instead of a real Eid, people are lying down because they are falling right",Normal +6455,Alhamdulilah my tahajjud was successfully '€ðŸ§¨,Normal +6456,"I believe, tomorrow is no longer allowed to change what is happening today SUMUT tourism",Normal +6457,"Once locked himself in the bathroom, then cried, then washed his face, and came back as if nothing had happened.",Normal +6458,WHAT TO SAY TO DREAMIES???,Normal +6459,"the club that I banged on I'm sadðŸ˜""",Normal +6460,meaaa,Normal +6461,I really want to buy twice album :( btw is there a special base for selling twice albums?,Normal +6462,#NowPlaying Rio Febrian - I Survive #GMHR #MorningIndoBox,Normal +6463,I know what I'm nervous about... MOST FROM COFFEE,Normal +6464,the cask makes a loud sound,Normal +6465,"No matter how active your activities are, products from fridaypant extenders are perfect for you, BB Order Info: 56BE8B92 WA: 081284885320",Normal +6466,Where do you want to go alone,Normal +6467,Tired today,Normal +6468,thank god,Normal +6469,Praising oneself can reduce one's authority before humans and be displeasing to Allah.,Normal +6470,Forgetting God is a sin | forgetting friends is normal | how can you forget grandma??? #JFB,Normal +6471,"My anger, my patience. Both, to love you",Normal +6472,"The bonuses are many, the quality is cool, the service is champion. #elorawedding| 082130788856 / 295bb50a",Normal +6473,20. The bitterest reality is a reality that is not as high as expectations. Promo plane tickets to Bali 2015,Normal +6474,"Why, if the oil spilled at selekoh, why not the grumpy highway, the shortcut to the ldp??? The fate of the motorcyclist must be like this, the road is slippery... It's hard to make it slower than usual... »â€ â™‚ï¸ »â€ â™‚ï¸ »â€ ♂ï¸",Normal +6475,it's late (｡ €ï½¡),Normal +6476,ala stupid la gp with these power2 people you know it's too late to be ready,Normal +6477,"Just Trabas, if you're not reckless, I won't go forward",Normal +6478,want to take a break :(,Normal +6479,why does the view take so long to go up,Normal +6480,"The seeker of knowledge must have the intention when studying, because the intention is the essence of all actions.",Normal +6481,"""Individual ability of a ninja is important. But more important is teamwork"" (Kakashi)",Normal +6482,"Girls who are often hurt will be surprised if they meet a good, patient, caring, caring, loyal guy and realize that there really doesn't exist a guy like that.",Normal +6483,LIBOOOOORRR FINALLYSSSS,Normal +6484,"Oh my gosh, until now, I still can't believe that Raditya Oloan is dead :(",Normal +6485,"Rabak out of India. If this continues, the Covid case will indeed be covered by the KL team. It looks and looks like the scores have stopped.",Normal +6486,"""Your sins will not disappear, it's all magic"" -Heiji Hattori-",Normal +6487,Be patient. Not someone who doesn't serve. But maybe take care? haha. But your verse really can't go away. Hahahaha,Normal +6488,"Then what else does distance produce besides longing? Far from you, I save countless amounts. Saving longing until it's hard to accommodate #us",Normal +6489,"My brain hasn't used math for a long time now so it's really really, really bad",Normal +6490,"If we don't know who we are, we won't love ourselves",Normal +6491,wake up shocked on fb bwfess xixi,Normal +6492,"""The historical fate of a nation, is determined by the right actions taken at the right time"" #TributeToBungKarno",Normal +6493,"1,700,000? so many jincs?!",Normal +6494,talkative tenacious,Normal +6495,FINALLY I HAVE A CARRD,Normal +6496,"startup, I haven't watched it... but I want a crime mystery thriller, gt",Normal +6497,damn I just woke up,Normal +6498,MBOKMU RONDO!!!,Normal +6499,"GUYS, Aren't YOU PROUD OF NCT DREAM??? AK YES IS CLEARLY PROUD",Normal +6500,"That's a girl, if you love it, it's gone",Normal +6501,"Lune, who feels like she's looking for K-hiphop, please reply, my friend is looking for you guys",Normal +6502,Close your eyes and feel. How you affect my mind. How you catch my eye -Into The New World-,Normal +6503,Make peace with yourself first..,Normal +6504,"The saints in this land, they are the noble ones who have always been my favourite. Psalm 14:3",Normal +6505,"WANT TO CRY, HAPPY BANGEEETTT",Normal +6506,"Anyone want me to tag those like fb rt deals? Want to be random, afraid to feel uncomfortable... Just rep, ok?",Normal +6507,Yeayy yeayyy I can buy one piece clothes!! Muahahahahahaha,Normal +6508,-/-/- 06:30 4psx F,Normal +6509,"SELL #BODY HEIGHT #MEDAN. HERBAL, BPOM, MUI, SHARIA. admin: pin: 545481BB WA/CALL: 081269806871",Normal +6510,Well sis bye,Normal +6511,"The Governor of East Java asked the Regent of Pacitan, Indrata Nur Bayuaji & Deputy Regent of Pacitan Gagarin focused on strengthening the agriculture, fisheries, tourism, and human resources sectors, especially in the vocational education sector",Normal +6512,"When you are attracted to other people, but stay loyal to them without ever regretting it. yes, that's love",Normal +6513,,Normal +6514,Let's control the voices of the people of Kab. Poor. #rendrasanusi #pilkadamalang #madepmantebmanetep,Normal +6515,he's alive but you think he's gone £ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£ðŸ¤£,Normal +6516,Oh my god it's been a long time off :(,Normal +6517,"Place: 12:28:57, 13.75C.",Normal +6518,Dear sexy jsoo jung :*,Normal +6519,"Lazy people have wasted opportunities that God has given them, even though God has never created anything in vain.",Normal +6520,"When those who are ignored choose to leave, how come the ones who are the most angry are the ones who have been selling expensively and ignoring them, huh?",Normal +6521,finished dreaming CB my money has run out suddenly†127 CB I'm laughing,Normal +6522,Just joined the fandom but already got this achievement from the idol ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ thank god for giving me the destiny to love NCT DREAM. Even though I'm late but it's better than nothing. I CRYYYYYYðŸ˜âœ¨âœ¨âœ¨,Normal +6523,"By the way, take care! Don't let other people hurt you!",Normal +6524,the other account got limited again awkwkwkwkðŸ â€ â™€ï¸ â€ â™€ï¸ â€ â™€ï¸,Normal +6525,suzuharu4869 kabotyasu-pu unnkosyuugasuru,Normal +6526,Ba “WO AI NI @...........†liu zai le xin di fang zai le chun bian ##hankyung,Normal +6527,wake up ts sandals,Normal +6528,Huta's fleet makes me laugh too,Normal +6529,"Today there are still PJJs or not, I have another task, haha",Normal +6530,"Train your heart by saying, ""I am being watched by Allah"". “I am being watched by Allah†. One way to STRENGTHEN FAITH",Normal +6531,"In life, you must dare to make decisions about what is worth fighting for and what is not worth fixing.",Normal +6532,A premeditated crime is to give false hope without any love~,Normal +6533,Kingdom s3 when is it?,Normal +6534,no one can dm me :],Normal +6535,Age 25 is a crisis of life,Normal +6536,"If you think about it, first love is funny too. There is a feeling of great joy when we meet, chat, and joke together, when we don't remember funny things when we are together, it becomes a smile."" There is a lot of enthusiasm for doing it every day. Thanks for that experience",Normal +6537,3awza at3arf 3ala sohab gdeda w yhtmo b mshakle fr w nnzl w n-vibe kda w aham haga ykono matching my energy y3ne 3shan mbhbsh had kasol,Normal +6538,lm nit verif is healthy which takes a long time pls,Normal +6539,SBS_MTV #TheShowChoice #ë ”ì‡¼ #ì 피니트,Normal +6540,Afternoon! don't forget breakfast!,Normal +6541,Tbtb there is a message that appears when I sleep.. Keep doing good even though the world hurts you.,Normal +6542,[BOT] Fany here! there who is '3')/,Normal +6543,Today's agenda is to clean the room before leaving for a long holiday.,Normal +6544,"open cv converting service, exchanging tsel credit, telkomsel xl axis tri 3 indosat isat smartfren sf to the bank or ewallet (gopay spay ovo funds), selling followers like instagram, fast process, friendly prices, interested / want to ask questions first? just mention/dm yaa^^.#zonauang #zonaba #convertpulsa #cvpulsa",Normal +6545,"My love for you will still be here, neatly stored like reluctant to go even though it hurts :)",Normal +6546,Happy birthday my first love happy in eternal heaven huh,Normal +6547,A best friend is someone we can sit with in the cradle and cradle together without saying a word and then walk home feeling that it was the greatest conversation we have ever had.,Normal +6548,so great.,Normal +6549,SBS_MTV 6 #ë ”ì‡¼ #빅스 #ë ²½ #VIXX,Normal +6550,One of the things that many people admire about RV is the MV concept that uses animation,Normal +6551,"I want to ask for opinions about lectures, please those who are free to help me",Normal +6552,"MENTIONS HAVE NOT REPLYED? JUST WAIT. MAYBE THE ADMINS ARE TIRED.. :""",Normal +6553,"Since a few days ago, I've seen Kyuhyun's and Ken's family photos, so I can imagine the Hwang family if the family photos are released, the visuals will be really wow",Normal +6554,Where's Ms Ningning's teaser photo?!?!?!?! ️,Normal +6555,penchan814,Normal +6556,"Don't look at who said it, but look at what she said, Mrs.konicare",Normal +6557,"Woke up cold, weird",Normal +6558,So tonight dal kkeutkkaji dallyeogabolkka,Normal +6559,"hadehh, how big is the original, why are you using the event to send hate comments, you have a brain like that",Normal +6560,"be patient, I'm sure I'm on fb",Normal +6561,How can a person who kills with a smile be called a good person?!.(Jodie Saintemillion),Normal +6562,"one thing you have to do, try again! Teens_Yori",Normal +6563,The dream is a bit sad,Normal +6564,Dzooly songs 7ada malal,Normal +6565,Hmm. Why so many dktr² sotoy nowadays,Normal +6566,"Since we are born, we learn many things. As we get closer to death, we forget a lot of things. .~ #OneOkRock (Deeper Deeper)",Normal +6567,"This Ramadan, I got two hampers which I love. We're not friends on IG, so I didn't post it but I'm confused, is the concept of hampers being replied to or what, lol",Normal +6568,Molla â” (ˇ-ˇ)┌,Normal +6569,Why did I even open old wounds ™‚,Normal +6570,Good morning friends,Normal +6571,"â—‹ Full name : Ayana Shahabâ—‹ Nickname : Ayanaâ—‹ Place and date of birth : Osaka, Japan, 03 June 1997 â—‹",Normal +6572,"“Miwako, you’re more like a cop and handsome!†– Yumi Miyamoto",Normal +6573,"I dream of going to New Zealand to play in the snow, then upload it on wa status:') wkwk",Normal +6574,Sooyoung drama,Normal +6575,"bntr2 I'm really on Twitter, but that doesn't mean I'm jealous and can't sincerely pray for good things in your life.",Normal +6576,"why didn't I chat from the start, anjrit????? even though he doesn't block",Normal +6577,kokou0202haruki ............,Normal +6578,Success is the ability to go through and overcome from one failure to the next without losing enthusiasm. (Winston Chuchill),Normal +6579,"During the implementation of the ban, he said, every ASN and PTT-PK are required to attend via Mobile e-Presence every day.",Normal +6580,Really random dream after dawn,Normal +6581,Alhamdulillah,Normal +6582,"please, this is not a porn account but why does it appear on the pornography homepage, even though it doesn't fly",Normal +6583,"Oc want to see you this evening, please talk about going back raya £",Normal +6584,"Can bad people be approached by good people so that the good can be spread, so that they don't continue to be bad, so that the bad ones go away",Normal +6585,My tinatamad,Normal +6586,Anything that Allah doesn't like is a sin.,Normal +6587,Stop trying to be perfect. Find him who knows all your weaknesses but still wants to be a part of your life.,Normal +6588,Every day we always try to improve our quality and service to be better in the future..,Normal +6589,"Iklan_Terupdate I_K_L_A_N IklanOnlineShop suppliers of souvenirs: mugs, pins, ganci, bracelets, etc. Tel/WA +6285100002307 BB 54FCE4EF h ##souvenirpromo",Normal +6590,Maybe your current single is due to the prayer of one of God's servants so that you become his soul mateâ,Normal +6591,"Love is great, can drown hate, can bring a sense of belonging. #foredi #strong medicine #special men",Normal +6592,just ws HR asked to issue a letter huhu wish me luck,Normal +6593,Very narrow eyes ',Normal +6594,"Green was a sacred color for the Egyptians, green represented the hope and joy of spring.",Normal +6595,"When I was little, I felt that Ramadan was too long. At this age, it's ""very fast, this Eid is over""",Normal +6596,"But his brother's lips are better, the cake is really thin and curved like that",Normal +6597,"#healthmurah ""Bamboo shoots are low-fat and high-fiber food"" get skinny fast sellingbeli_klaten",Normal +6598,for the sake of a good child lol,Normal +6599,Have you ever woken up and made to cry because you got a mutual dm because he closed the account :)),Normal +6600,"""Courage is the word of truth to raise one's spirit"" - Ran Mouri",Normal +6601,GOL de antuna to kreizi #Chivas,Normal +6602,#The honest universe is afraid that the layout account is the same,Normal +6603,I want to cry so much in the morning,Normal +6604,aaargh!!.i hate my mind.🤣🤣🤣,Normal +6605,"""The leaves that used to be green are now surrounded by fire, the fire illuminates Konoha, then new leaves will grow back (Sarutobi)",Normal +6606,Monday ~~. H-2 can't you do it,Normal +6607,"""No matter what darkness lies ahead, I will pursue that path. No matter what happens, I will gain strength!"" #Bot",Normal +6608,"Shownu will join you at 514, right? I don't think so",Normal +6609,"Got a call from Alodokter, eh, it turns out to be telemarketing, I thought it was an interview call😔",Normal +6610,"PERBABIAN..(haram thread, don't read it, because it doesn't come with a certificate from a religious NGO). Because I didn't fast and I didn't eat anything at that time, I wrote a thread about the sacred.",Normal +6611,A blood type,Normal +6612,miiko screams about syuko shiomi,Normal +6613,"Diligent is a menu for people who are SUCCESSFUL, not only can they continue to complain in their lives",Normal +6614,syuko shiomi,Normal +6615,Congratulations on performing the Fardhu Maghrib prayer.,Normal +6616,"The real heartbreak is, loving sincerely he who has gone.",Normal +6617,"The oncon is the live coution, right?",Normal +6618,want to cry,Normal +6619,You gave me a promise.. Gave a dream that unfortunately you never fulfilled. #MemoriesID,Normal +6620,3- Take care,Normal +6621,Why do people like onions...,Normal +6622,It's true that these cops have brains full of ups and downs?,Normal +6623,"Just noticed that the road tax died in 6 months. If you want to renew yourself, how do you do it?",Normal +6624,HAND HANDS ARE PROUD TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A PRAYER #BOTkece,Normal +6625,"'If you want to find a loyal woman, look for someone who doesn't know vokey' SHFSJAAGFAAH",Normal +6626,"I'm not in the mood to enter the office anymore, I want to celebrate this time hahshshss",Normal +6627,sometimes we just need a word of encouragement while others just berate ™ »thanks,Normal +6628,The morning has been buttering with the temperament of all mp.,Normal +6629,Very salty after eating Garem huh?,Normal +6630,"When is the day when you eat grilled chicken liwet rice, right? Buy it grab. So, if you want something fresh, you can finally take the coffee beer out of the fridge. Really good. Even then, the drink didn't last a bit.",Normal +6631,"yes, mark asking have you eaten yet «",Normal +6632,au i finished what are you reading,Normal +6633,sigoblokkk lalalalallalaa absent pend. Pancasila is empty 5 even though 25% of it can only 4 auto repeat the idiot~,Normal +6634,I'm tired of listening to raya songs,Normal +6635,Unu fool enuh,Normal +6636,"rabi o rapapa but waiting for me to graduate or go to college offline really, ben my spirit of study is not messyðŸ™",Normal +6637,Can you raise HT?,Normal +6638,SE MURI JYP?,Normal +6639,"“United we stand, divided we make it better♥â€",Normal +6640,Is it only my brother who has this cake?,Normal +6641,gotogoto,Normal +6642,later afternoon streaming new mv ©,Normal +6643,[PO] JAM EXO (BLUE/BLACK) OR JAM SNSD.(PINK) IDR 90.000,Normal +6644,/amb btsw limited yoongi let's go home,Normal +6645,Dear oras,Normal +6646,"If someone has presented the same material as me and it's really good, it's very insecure because it won't meet the expectations of the lecturer. The lecturer has set the bar that high, I can't reach it",Normal +6647,sbs_mtv #ë ”ì‡¼ d #빅스LR 4,Normal +6648,want to change the layout but lazy on the web. #,Normal +6649,I also want to wait. Tired like this,Normal +6650,"Even though I really liked it when Irn ft with Sj brought a losiento but anxious fans like to look for ""because"" they just make a fuss hehe ™ƒ just be akward",Normal +6651,"already badass with kualat. W's mentality from childhood was only made as a toy, so people are not responsible",Normal +6652,very proud of dreamies,Normal +6653,Fess follow me? rt aja bro -leeknow.,Normal +6654,Wes peng piro this is said by a bank employee. •,Normal +6655,"Every day like this, it's boring for a long time.",Normal +6656,"dear jeki, don't act first yaa☺",Normal +6657,Still dirty....,Normal +6658,"Don't start the day with regrets yesterday, because it will disturb the greatness of today, and will ruin the beauty of tomorrow.",Normal +6659,"cipuy, if you play tiktok, you will definitely make it pause and keep asking baji to make a dc video like find light in the beautiful sea teretetetet teretetetet",Normal +6660,Really the most dogs –•ðŸ,Normal +6661,"Pharmaceutical stocks are in ruins right now. Just realized. I really feel sorry for the people who are stuck on the top price, who just entered the world of stocks and bought it too :')).. Be patient.",Normal +6662,hiccups maybe drink,Normal +6663,"I thought I lost my ID card, I just gave up my personal data and turned it into a fried bagel and distributed it to 7 states, it turns out that this month I thought he was lost, he's been in my wallet all this time '€ðŸ'€ðŸ'€ I where have you been looking?",Normal +6664,Read no anzol kkkkkkkkkk,Normal +6665,Why are you always wrong?,Normal +6666,"People's Eid hampers contain nastar, my Eid hampers contain stacked tasks, yailahi rabbi",Normal +6667,"#YEUHDANGUKEUNRP..SIMPLENA SUNDA LANGUAGE THAN ENGLISH.....-a small sharp thing, embedded inside one finger's skin; KASURA... rek didangukeun pack, teu ge kajeun lah :(..NUHUN",Normal +6668,"After being accused of being a Jeki, are you safe?",Normal +6669,"The lazy person's heart is full of will, but in vain, while the diligent person's heart is given abundance.",Normal +6670,"making a barcode doesn't break the fast, right h3h3",Normal +6671,Wika when is green😔,Normal +6672,yay I've been excluded from making a test script. hehehehe,Normal +6673,"oh my, my morning is really fresh, you know dreamies million sellerrrrr skkskskks prouddddddd",Normal +6674,COMO Q JYP RIP???,Normal +6675,Byasa.,Normal +6676,"The human eye will blink 8 to 15 times per minute. If it's more than that, it means he's either depressed or lying.",Normal +6677,touuu ningning teaserðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +6678,"In addition, it is also good to put ornamental plants in the bathroom, so that your bathroom is more fresh and beautiful. #TrisaktiMebel",Normal +6679,I didn't answer my teacher so I thought I fell asleep,Normal +6680,"Doun wants to wash the car while it's raining, ok?",Normal +6681,embarassing.,Normal +6682,"Na Nuhu alimwomba Mola wake Mlezi: Ee Mola Mlezi wangu! Hakika mwanangu ni katika ahali zangu, na hakika ahadi yako ni haki. Na Wewe ni Mwenye haki kuliko mahakimu wote..(HUD - 45)",Normal +6683,haechan you are a million seller again,Normal +6684,"Before the hot chili mv comes out, look for mutual again ah, rt pin maaciâ £",Normal +6685,Thank you because your presence makes my life more colorful Noeey_ChiBi,Normal +6686,H-3 Eid,Normal +6687,"Ya Allah, the stick of the devil, where else do I need a mole",Normal +6688,Oh pantesaan,Normal +6689,"It's Islamic, not isley. ..The Veranda of Mecca it is said. #kelantan",Normal +6690,"blackpink have you ever thought about it, ""duh, who else will we give the signed album to?""",Normal +6691,"God's grace is not always in the form of pleasure, but also when the heart remains patient and grateful in the face of every difficulty.""",Normal +6692,Blue! Those who don't fast for vcs/edging yu. It's great,Normal +6693,I'm looking for caftans that my size doesn't seem to be there ™‚,Normal +6694,"The plan has been thwarted again by the parents' impromptu event, you know, antigen swab",Normal +6695,You guys off? :(,Normal +6696,"For those of you who are TG, we will remember. TG is a choice. Don't abuse it.",Normal +6697,jyp al final ripeo??,Normal +6698,"There is no secret to achieving success. Success can happen because of preparation, hard work and willing to learn from failure",Normal +6699,"""The spirit of mas work"" (egaaa)",Normal +6700,I'm too lazy to buy things since it's been arranged like pkp 1.0,Normal +6701,"very heavy dog, I'm tired",Normal +6702,Play voting again..Do you think I'm handsome if I'm a rented bf?,Normal +6703,I really like seung gi daaaa,Normal +6704,I'm so tired of hearing the sound of an ambulance,Normal +6705,At least it's redha now sksksk,Normal +6706,This morning playing the songs in 1D is really good,Normal +6707,bisey dicm susadim😔,Normal +6708,"""If you want to see a beautiful dawn, then you have to go through the dark night""",Normal +6709,"Who usually drinks a glass of water before going to bed? This prevents you from starving in the middle of the night, and speeds up the DETOX process",Normal +6710,'«ð š «ð ©ð ²ð «..â £ ® © ®ð ¡ð ð ²ð «ð ..ðŸ' ¡ð ...ðŸ'«ðŸ¥° «ð ® ð £ð ©ð ²ð «ð ..ðŸ'–,Normal +6711,"God gave you 86,400 seconds a day. Have you used 1 second to thank Him?",Normal +6712,"wts ar reso jaemin 435k can ridi ina, ready to send. no hrr yes !!",Normal +6713,"Plant shade trees and ornamental plants in your yard. To beautify the house, and help produce O2 and absorb CO2.",Normal +6714,it sucks then I feel like I just want to crush us,Normal +6715,"There are days when tomorrow doesn't come, that's why you have to admit it today..",Normal +6716,qpaso con jyp q dicen,Normal +6717,Darling sa orasss,Normal +6718,Good morning everyone! Don't forget to wash your face with skinbae deep cleansing soap you know. Then glow🥰,Normal +6719,"just woke up, why is this? can someone kindly dm me what's going on? I'm scrolling, I don't understand",Normal +6720,rip teru,Normal +6721,"Living with strict parents tastes delicious, ladies",Normal +6722,"Jakarta is still jammed, isn't it? think it's quiet",Normal +6723,"Haha, it turns out that we were just cloaked in articles",Normal +6724,"""Those whom you love the most are always the ones who hurt you the most, you are hurt because you love & care for them."" -Gu Family Book",Normal +6725,good now me and agnes keep in touch and i'm in the process of glow up,Normal +6726,svt june icon june am i just a thief?,Normal +6727,"Chanbaekist bas3 hasn't swhat yet, huh?",Normal +6728,"When I opened the email, I was really surprised that an attachment offering letter appeared... it turned out to be an advertising proposal.. Turns out I opened my work email... I almost jumped for joy",Normal +6729,Me mama Kanye West.,Normal +6730,"Once at home.. The point is that after dawn don't sleep, my thesis is not working anymore, oh my God",Normal +6731,11:25 MeMo_tetsu,Normal +6732,"bang! those who like JBJB, let's be mutual, all fandom! help like/rt thx.",Normal +6733,Quiet morning. It's weird Monday like this. There must be a shrimp behind the stone,Normal +6734,The dream after sleeping after dawn is really weird,Normal +6735,"Before the MV comes out, let's be mutual nczen wayzennie all fandom transport help rt /like 'žâœ¨.Unflop pls",Normal +6736,"Doc ckp is shrinking, he's worried whether it's shrinking because I'm sick or I really don't eat hahahaha lek ah doc",Normal +6737,"STRANGE!!! CLEARLY MAKES A FATAL MISTAKE, BUT WHY DON'T YOU ASK FOR SORRY, YES...? The promotion of Bipang Ambawang, aka roast pork, a specialty of Ambawang, Kalimantan, as a Eid culinary by President Jokowi continues to reap a storm. Netizens sprayed criticism, slurs, and even blasphemy on social media.",Normal +6738,"Oh Allah, there is a disaster before Eid. sprained leg due to fall, little leg has pus, left side of stomach hurts.",Normal +6739,"buk spicy, now not spicy",Normal +6740,another glass trick arrived safely at home. after the insolent field cupboard glass nipunya. How do you accept the fact that the mirrored days are full of deception. astaghfirullah,Normal +6741,"What if you saw the results yourself, you still stick around",Normal +6742,hopefully in kambek whatever the album doesn't have many versions pls,Normal +6743,The last 3 days... Not fasting ',Normal +6744,"If my mutuals are still under 13 years old, hurry up, bu me now",Normal +6745,JYP TIESO,Normal +6746,"Instead of being dizzy thinking about not being able to go home, it's better to feel the sensation of a sensual massage.. it's guaranteed that the dizziness will go away, the body will be fresh, and the passion will come.. Open booking for on-call massage, male therapist, age 33, experienced and professional. .Wa 085719509307..Privacy and customer satisfaction number 1",Normal +6747,"Guys, when you feel handsome, but you pretend to be handsome, you don't want to do this too!!",Normal +6748,"yampon this morning went to sleep and then dreamed that the class was gathering, gave the impression of a message because maw passed, then the security guard also gave the impression of a message like this ""that (points to me) is the same as everyone else, don't eat chili sauce then, if you eat it you see it always uses chili sauce"" then ak please listen",Normal +6749,I'll just change the grille later,Normal +6750,Gooooool Antuna!!!! Siiiiiii,Normal +6751,10:30 Aroeppala is observed to be quiet in both directions,Normal +6752,"Uname is gyuri unni, if you read it, it becomes pakjeger97",Normal +6753,INFINITELKIM IS MINE! JAN TOUCHED!!,Normal +6754,"I didn't know before, so I didn't love. but now, ""it's familiar, comfortable, the ending doesn't happen"".",Normal +6755,oooooo so kh,Normal +6756,hmmm if you follow me that isn't the mv there doesn't need to be a goal gt(?) trailers & teasers are meant to be spread so compared to watching it many times on youtube i'd rather share it on many platforms so more people know,Normal +6757,hatch,Normal +6758,"They say that being happy is simple, but no one ever said that being happy would be easy",Normal +6759,"Jerome Binggo, what are you doing?",Normal +6760,"""Through the eyes, we will see the future"" (Obito)",Normal +6761,"Hopefully, good is always around you",Normal +6762,Where are you so adamant I'm so embarrassed 'ŽðŸ˜¡ðŸ˜¡,Normal +6763,It's too bad I'm the one who got hit. ™‚,Normal +6764,"Even though I'm tired of biasing Sunki, it doesn't mean I will leave the fandom. I will stay in this fandom. I will continue to protect them if they are innocent.",Normal +6765,dark mode is good too,Normal +6766,Yeayyy you can go home Finally don't sleep on the hospital bed anymore,Normal +6767,"This house is fate without a veranda. If it's x, I'll install colorlite la",Normal +6768,"I don't like it, you're even 15 minutes late",Normal +6769,Does anyone have 100 silver or not on gopay?,Normal +6770,Kandi © #POSEFX,Normal +6771,just woke up😦,Normal +6772,WHAT DO YOU SAY TO DREAMIES?!!!,Normal +6773,good morning~,Normal +6774,Worried about how much you need to add 1pb🥲,Normal +6775,It's like taking a sip ®,Normal +6776,"Friends, if there is information on lockers for baristas who live in Jakarta, please let me know.. thank you very muchâ",Normal +6777,'°BISMILLAHðŸ'°. '° TODAY '°. '° BIGWINðŸ'°. '° AMINNðŸ'°,Normal +6778,my eyes are innalilahi because of englishb,Normal +6779,"It's too late, Masha Allah",Normal +6780,"YES TOMORROW THERE'S A PINK DRESSCODE EVENT, BUT I DID NOT HAVE A PINK CLOTH",Normal +6781,"Procrastinating in sadness will not be able to make you rise. Wipe your tears, move forward immediately!",Normal +6782,It's cool just sitting at home alone.. come here feeling sweaty.. already fasting.. ...why is it so hot here..,Normal +6783,Knowledge is light that Allah places in one's heart. In reaching or reaching the light it is necessary to have Ittiba (following the Prophet Muhammad) and abstain from lust and heresy (Said Imam Adz-Dzahabi),Normal +6784,we will be busyðŸ¤ðŸ™€,Normal +6785,como q ripeo jyp al fin AHRE,Normal +6786,puto kenjaku,Normal +6787,TODAY NO CLASS YAAYYY,Normal +6788,imagina odiar kanye west em 2021,Normal +6789,"Why is this Shane Filan the older he gets, the tighter he gets.",Normal +6790,Am I cute? Ga? Civok sinih~ (•͡_ •͡,Normal +6791,great number,Normal +6792,"My clown friends who have fought until this point, you are awesome, thank you for sticking around and fighting for dreamies!! For the future the road will be more difficult but just remember the road that has a lot of gravel like yesterday was successfully passed so that in the future you can also be excitedðŸ'™",Normal +6793,"Wish to get a surprise in May ….Want to be able to but don't expect too much, cz if you don't, it will only result in ""disappointed""",Normal +6794,Ari kana sana rumampa🙃🙃,Normal +6795,ok ok ok?,Normal +6796,Stomach acid kntl,Normal +6797,"Another sleepy like shellac, adehh",Normal +6798,Desperation will open up opportunities for others to take your success #kesayanganbunda ersamayori,Normal +6799,does anyone have a shopee free voucher? #zonabu #zonajajan,Normal +6800,Allahu this morning I heard the voice that his wife died on call with the doctor.. it looks like her husband and children are very close to the spirit.. hopefully the best for all of us,Normal +6801,"People who feel victorious temporarily because they oppose the truth, but the truth will laugh at it too. - Hamka",Normal +6802,"Come on, let's just skip it, okay?",Normal +6803,"""Why is your paper wet? Have you been crying?""..yes I did that dog while crying",Normal +6804,Can you still meet Eid next year? Hehe,Normal +6805,"Am I the only one who has lived 23 years, never won a giveaway? no hockey yawla",Normal +6806,sore nose,Normal +6807,your face is getting more beautiful every day Teens_Yori,Normal +6808,oh my god why am i nervous,Normal +6809,al you greeting again dong.,Normal +6810,"I just want to find friends again,,,, but trust issue but not pp markicob",Normal +6811,"if you want to mute people, mute the story by posting once. settle sir ash",Normal +6812,#CacheteEnLaNoche casi,Normal +6813,"work! If you want to apply for a job, you are asked to include your average grade X, does that mean it counts from the first semester to the end or does it look at the last semester?",Normal +6814,"I'm still looking for mutuals but can't rt or follow, how about anjirt",Normal +6815,Am I annoying?,Normal +6816,yop real team #MasterChefArgentina,Normal +6817,because what's over is over,Normal +6818,antok pa cuh,Normal +6819,good morning everyoneðŸŒ¤ï¸ have a nice day~,Normal +6820,"check the condition of the battery and spark plugs, if any of these items are damaged it will cause your motor to break down.",Normal +6821,Want to eat samyang but haven't eaten rice £ dilemma ..My stomach screams auto relapse huh ™‚,Normal +6822,"help me finding 100 moots. mostly carat or only come on. jfb, just follow..help rt/like",Normal +6823,It's weird that people are not yet 25 but are already mentally growing,Normal +6824,Pls want to tell,Normal +6825,"br account is very netas, let's army mutualan. help rt/like yaa tysm 'œðŸ™ŒðŸ",Normal +6826,why i see jungwon looks like ari irham,Normal +6827,#lifeistooshort Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts.,Normal +6828,"pgi, sp already ee?",Normal +6829,"Sometimes short time,.Having great memories :v",Normal +6830,So sinful,Normal +6831,damn I'm awake at this hour,Normal +6832,"“I love you with all my heart! If you stay here with me, there will be no regrets.. Because every day we will do something, we will be happy I swear! I'll do anything for you! I want us to live together!†(Sakura to Sasuke)",Normal +6833,"A woman can smile at many men, but only one man can share her tears",Normal +6834,want buttermilk chicken with tomyam fried rice again,Normal +6835,"I sent dobi last week Thursday. Arini is not ready anymore. First, the raya clothes. Arrghh xde2. Everyone pays the same. Where can I cut the que? I won't be leaving for the new raya to make",Normal +6836,Suddenly very cold. Makes you shiver. Have you ever felt afraid of something that was still uncertain?,Normal +6837,"Now, the Nganjuk regent NRH, it's fried until it's charred...",Normal +6838,"Ya Allah, I forgot to eat the year I was fasting",Normal +6839,RT: : d8ba6d24-460b-4b81-b785-c7610ad3a180,Normal +6840,jyp y maradona besties🙈🙈🙈🤩🤩🤩🤩,Normal +6841,Jun is looking for why it's so expensive,Normal +6842,"who won $1000 in a row Indonesian people, come on, I want $1000 tooðŸ'ƒðŸ'ƒ",Normal +6843,"Every 2 hours by default, I'm already hungry",Normal +6844,"does anyone have an AU recommendation that makes you cry or not? drop below with the link if there is one, thank you",Normal +6845,Not all things can be shown off on social media.,Normal +6846,"It's simple, you don't need to have many friends as long as you have one friend who understands each other on the frequency, supporting each other is enough for me, who is fragile, hmch like squid bone",Normal +6847,"""If I think about you, far in the eyes, close to the heart. Is it the same that I feel, I want to meet you even though I am reluctant"". If-Melly Goeslaw",Normal +6848,Ask for a replacement marketing manager but a friend's resume for those with admin experience. Don't make me angry this fasting,Normal +6849,"Ya Allah, my mother, it's only 11 o'clock that I've already asked you to go to the mall I'm still sleeping well ²",Normal +6850,"Krn na, wa nay oras",Normal +6851,He's sleepy,Normal +6852,"No need to go out directly, just Ta'aruf, God willing, blessings #AncaMenujuHalal",Normal +6853,"The blue aqua skin sunscreen is actually more fluid than the pink one, isn't it? Just found out if it's liquid like this I swear",Normal +6854,work until typhus dong. until the antigen too. sad if told,Normal +6855,"Whoever ""kills himself"" in a way that is in the world, later on the Day of Judgment Allah will torture him in the same way (Bukhari)",Normal +6856,"10 CAUSES WHY YOU ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR BUSINESS.. People always share the characteristics of wanting to be a successful businessman. There aren't many antagonistic partnerships.. So let's read the antagonist form. 10 reasons why you are not suitable for business, such as the points below:",Normal +6857,bar :( : eea6212c-8cf8-4716-88ba-237d952999fc,Normal +6858,"Be like a rainbow even though it's full of differences, always together, display the most beautiful thing even for a moment",Normal +6859,GOOOOOOL #Chivas 1-0! Antuna al 10',Normal +6860,bad mode â . raya mode ✅,Normal +6861,Victory day is coming soon ' ..I vote #BTSArmy for #BestFanArmy #iHeartAwards︎,Normal +6862,waiting period.,Normal +6863,Eid is coming soon~,Normal +6864,"Drimjen's current target is to make Jisung cry happily, right? Come on, we can definitely make more records, cheers",Normal +6865,"services to add followers on twitter, instagram and like fanspage facebook (CP: 085726878637BBm: 7C9897F7)IklanSOLO Iklan Bandel FJB__Palembang",Normal +6866,Have you ever been amazed by your own dream skkkkk,Normal +6867,cwk kgk jls,Normal +6868,hopefully no limit,Normal +6869,"22 Msiogope, enyi wanyama wa kondeni; maana malisho ya jangwani yanatoa miche, na huo mti unazaa matunda yake, mtini na mzabibu inatoa nguvu zake. .Yoeli 2:22..Njema's elbow.",Normal +6870,"if you want a long holiday, usually the air is already lazy",Normal +6871,"If you read that people have experience at AZ Vacc Centers, it's so fast! Best. My experience both times at HKL is quite slow. He told me to come at 8am, at 10, just call him. In between, he had to change seats many times, he shared the number many times... haha ​​but never mind all is done and well",Normal +6872,It's been a long time from weekend to Monday too... but from Monday to weekend you're fast,Normal +6873,"If you have to compare with other people, there won't be enough ""enough"", Nad. You have value. You can. You deserve all the happiness, I swear. *talking to yourself😥",Normal +6874,yo? team Betular lokita,Normal +6875,"#YouthOfMay | ep. 2..I think Hee Tae already knows that he's not Soo Ryeon. Soo Ryeon is a law student, then Hee Tae has seen Myung Hee in the hospital as a nurse, and gave first aid for an accident before that date.",Normal +6876,taeil had a good night sleep and wake up today in a good mood '›ðŸ'›ðŸ'›,Normal +6877,Lebaran soon we should forgive each other if we love each other there is already an asahi,Normal +6878,My goal is to win the lottery but I've never played so I'm an idiot,Normal +6879,"If this child is not healthy.. only God knows how blue the house is. Don't have time to cater for cloth, kitchen etc. ️",Normal +6880,Geellaba jir soo wada mar #somalia #somaliland #proverb,Normal +6881,"When you curse him, it's not nice to play anymore. After that, there is another heart that wants to ask him for help. Puii!",Normal +6882,"In the past, your sek2 was famous for the xdok case.... now you've been hit a lot.. God wants to show your sek2 don't be arrogant and kufr is delicious.... Ustaz Mat Jaya. Head of Pas Gemunchor",Normal +6883,"Mommy sad mom :""(",Normal +6884,just outside mules mules yes bujank. It's your turn in the bathroom to not show up. basic ee,Normal +6885,lol playing ml,Normal +6886,from yesterday mood swing,Normal +6887,"It's okay, if you want to complain, that's his right, don't worry about his status, it's not okay to continue to complain. The outlet for each person's feelings is different, btw. Complaining doesn't hurt you either.",Normal +6888,I swear all kinds of shit,Normal +6889,No one will know who he is before facing his final moment. (Itachi Uchiha),Normal +6890,damn I had a dream that I had a cute cute cat named PojiðŸ˜,Normal +6891,Show off your crush â . Show off wealth â . Don't like to show off â…,Normal +6892,rpz jkkkkkk £,Normal +6893,body ache,Normal +6894,PRODUCTION OF QUALITY SCREEN AND SEWING T-shirts in CIBITUNG-BEKASI. QUALITY? DARE IN THE FIGHT!,Normal +6895,"In this life, you may not be good enough for everyone, but you will always be the best in the eyes of your friends.",Normal +6896,double ng depensa,Normal +6897,It's not a blessing if you use the usn I was kicked out earlier,Normal +6898,WHICH IS THE REAL TEMPLATE?,Normal +6899,Antuna ”¥,Normal +6900,"Just look, after you are with me too",Normal +6901,"I'm looking for mutual esp nctzen wayzenni, all fandom sabi. help rt/like thx",Normal +6902,Maybe soon he will know how I feel,Normal +6903,Hope in humans .is heartbreak .most on purpose ):,Normal +6904,"It's just a matter of making a fuss, what if someone else is asked for a ""ration""? Wkwkwkwk",Normal +6905,"When you sleep after dawn, do you have a strange dream or not?",Normal +6906,"Don't give up in the face of adversity, because every clear drop of rain comes from a dark cloud #soaphealth",Normal +6907,CM Q SE MURIO JYP JODEME,Normal +6908,"You can lie down while making money, it's not tight if you rub the wall, it's enough to lie down",Normal +6909,I haven't eaten noodles in a month,Normal +6910,I want EXO's comeback PO for more than a month. Let's get 2 million po album,Normal +6911,it's so cute to have a 5 letter uname I don't know what to do,Normal +6912,HONEY - Derivates .(3:28am BST),Normal +6913,I'M THE CLOTHER,Normal +6914,travel batu kota juanda.082230015499 - 081703446249.#travelbatukotajuanda #traveljuandabatukota #TravelMalang #Travel,Normal +6915,"All the children of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent. (HR. Addarami) #RamadanBulanPerjuangan",Normal +6916,I want to join fasting so I can contain emotions,Normal +6917,ya Allah get well.,Normal +6918,Gaaaakk mooooooddddddddd,Normal +6919,"Came late => straight to the back room => sleep => noon permission to buy snacks => sleep again => go home. Having a PSG boy for a month like this is very behavior,€(¯―¯٥)",Normal +6920,"always think they are the protagonist, even though I have been the protagonist. even in my own life",Normal +6921,"In this life sometimes we don't need a lot of money and rich to enjoy life. It's enough just to be grateful for what we have and have enough to be happy. That's why we Muslims are strongly encouraged to always be grateful, even if it's a small favor",Normal +6922,"It's Monday again, really, it's really just time that doesn't feel like longing... I feel so bad when I can't find it... Be patient for those who haven't been able to go home, it's okay not to go home anymore, I miss you passionately for your family, let it go in prayer ²",Normal +6923,With money you can buy a glass made of pearls but not with warm conversation.. With money you can buy a jacket made of silk but not with warm hugs.. With money you can buy a house and its furniture but not with happiness in it.. Ms. dpn only belongs to kt not belongs to chat org,Normal +6924,qt raba kytog manghud na dear diima bayaw,Normal +6925,"Yes, I understand all of this ²ðŸ¥² can I skip the meeting, bro.. ni la nii.. cons of being a banana",Normal +6926,PM>melee,Normal +6927,Where do you buy a good plisket pashmina?,Normal +6928,Please notif my tweet is broken oyyyyy... Why can only comments be that scaryuuu. Huhuuuuu,Normal +6929,"approaching Hari Raya, definitely clean the house €",Normal +6930,"""When you lose someone who is very important in this world, rest assured that Allah will replace his departure with a better one""",Normal +6931,"I'm just showing off and men can take a vacation first, I'm being asked to come in too",Normal +6932,Yassss BANG!!!! #PoseFX,Normal +6933,"ni/ki why?? I'm new, suddenly there's a template",Normal +6934,"Come on, let's get excited, gosh, I'm looking for money this hard y",Normal +6935,really cool dreams woiiiiiii,Normal +6936,moots if you check pinned bolee?? I need an opinion hehe,Normal +6937,Juan_Sergovy,Normal +6938,"“Oh my God, why am I single all the time?!†..God: Yes you, other people only ask for 1 single, you ask for a single agency.",Normal +6939,what day the mv came out?? ️,Normal +6940,It's really normal if it's close to the H*ID date or after H*ID's definitely a breakout hhhh,Normal +6941,"Insolent indomaret cashier I was given money, it was torn up, it turned out",Normal +6942,wowowo,Normal +6943,"We will learn to hate when we are hurt, we will hate and feel guilty if we hurt others, but because of that suffering we can be kind to other people!.* Jiraiya-Naruto/",Normal +6944,easy to sleep,Normal +6945,so stupid,Normal +6946,"165k for 1 Holo Seonghwa only..... Wow, sellkor, do you want to go on a pilgrimage?",Normal +6947,Everyone call me brother we don't even know you call brother 😠you look very old already,Normal +6948,Good morning.. it's time for friendship with Azhdaha..,Normal +6949,o jl serioðŸ˜,Normal +6950,"About love .... For me Mother is still number one, my feelings are nothing compared to Mom's feelings, .. My heart is just a piece of Mother's heart ... My mother is more entitled to this heart, not me ...",Normal +6951,Where can I sleep again??ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜,Normal +6952,5 hours and a half,Normal +6953,como q ripeo jyp,Normal +6954,maybe 5th win later,Normal +6955,Use hot rice + deep fried too,Normal +6956,"18. Judging from the PP, the person is cool, sweet, I forgot what mutual new or old",Normal +6957,"For those of you who are far away, Walled by distance and time, Limited space between us.. #Motivasi - Branded Muslim Clothing Supplier",Normal +6958,"I promise, I'll wait for you here. how long and how far you walk away from me, I'm still here waiting for you to come back..chel",Normal +6959,crying late again,Normal +6960,Will I be able to feel pleasure in worshiping Allah?,Normal +6961,"Woogi, when he's in China, he's sexy, ah, do you like it?",Normal +6962,uh my account is green or not,Normal +6963,"COME QUICK DAYS, I WANT TO SPEND.",Normal +6964,Understanding people is much more difficult than understanding questions.,Normal +6965,"Hopefully, my dear friend will be subject to direct duty â",Normal +6966,Aya vi.,Normal +6967,"If the other account asks you to drop the hashtag, you have to flop, that's why I rarely listen😔😔",Normal +6968,I can't imagine,Normal +6969,ah you know you're tired to sleep again,Normal +6970,"I'm sorry, madam",Normal +6971,hi this is dobbyslala doyoung's match if you forget....,Normal +6972,Hilal trejo cb is there any blom?,Normal +6973,JYP RIPEO SI O NO?,Normal +6974,DEAR MY LECTURERS,Normal +6975,"when you're on vacation, you're really confused about what to do 😩",Normal +6976,why i 0 twt sis? eh i've never tweeted,Normal +6977,I can't forget you #SpiritHadrian,Normal +6978,€ ®šæœŸâ˜†ã€'..DJ DAIKI! DJ DAIKI! DJ DAIKI!.DJ DAIKI! DJ DAIKI!!!..#Hey!Say!JUMP.#有岡 ²´,Normal +6979,Dai5y! <3,Normal +6980,tired of clowns but still hopefully tonight if not tomorrow ™ but mas tm also no teaser yet.....,Normal +6981,MW SUBI WN LA VACA,Normal +6982,I recently went through a breakup and she said she still wants to be friends so I said I can try doing that but when she talks to me about things it always hurts. I just want to lose feelings so all this pain can stop it hurts so much and I cannot even cry about it. I do not want to hurt her because she said she does not want to never speak to me again but I do not know what to do here. When we were together she always hurt me so I do not know why I still love her. I wish we never met it would be much less painful How do I lose feelings?,Depression +6983,"I do not know how to navigate these feelings, not that its a new feeling by any stretch. I just do not understand how I can go on from being so pleasantly fine to suicidal and self loathing within in minutes and not be able to step out of it. I have been suffering from poor mental health for over 10 years and I am about to turn 26 next week and I feel so ashamed for how serious my negative thoughts are. Covid was a hard transition especially having moved to a new city a few months before everything started locking down, but now I am here and settled and I have a loving partner, a great connection to their family, a really fun job and I finished my degree. But when I stop and look around I feel like nothing will ever be good enough for me and I will never be good enough, I will always have skin problems and bad teeth and acne. I will never be the artist I used to be (I have a Bachelor in fine art) because I do not have the same drive or passionate that I used to have for it. I will never have the career I built my entire plan around because I am losing my interest in art. I will never have the relationship with my family that I want because I could not stand to stay in my hometown. All I can feel is this tornado of my failures swirling around me all the damn time. It just seems that no matter how many positives come my way they do not last long enough to out weight the negatives. I do not really know what I am looking for I guess I just wanted to say this out loud, or whatever. 0 to 100",Depression +6984,"So I have been with my bf for 5 months , and he already told me he was depressed. To this week nothing particular happened, but i can now feel hes bothered by it. He does not ask me to sleep together, do things and etcI know I am not the problem I am aware of that, I just wanted to ask: how can I be there without suffocating him? I am really clingy, a thing which he usually loves about me but right now I kind of have a feeling that I am doing too much.Any suggestion will be gladly accepted, be frank and tell me how I can not make it worse: its that that bothers me. My bf (21) is having a bad time due to his depression",Depression +6985,"I am so exhausted of this. Just when I think I can finally rest, just when I think maybe things are starting to settle, another hurdle comes flying at me. This month alone we found out my mum could be dying, my girlfriend left me, my parents revealed that they wanted a divorce, my grandad was hospitalised again and just now my little sister's been rushed to A&E with possible brain damage. If there is a god up there they must fucking hate me. it is like life is trying to get me to kill myself and honestly I think I would be better off dead. I attempted when I was 12 but I was stupid and there was no way I could cut deep enough. Now I am 15 and everything is so much worse than it ever has been and I just cannot hold on much longer -- it is going to take a miracle to get me through this. I feel so alone. I feel like the world hates me and I have no idea what I did wrong to deserve this. I thought I was getting better. I was doing so well and now everything's just come crashing down again. I was thinking about carbon monoxide poisoning but I highly doubt there is any way for me to get that. it is looking like I will overdose but that is unreliable as fuck and surviving sounds like hell so idk. Just got to stick around long enough to make sure my sister's alright. I have already contacted one of my ex's friends to make sure they are looked after when I am gone. I do not think there is long left for me. Sorry. I have posted on this subreddit too many times in the span of a week and that is probably really annoying I just have absolutely no idea what to do anymore. I feel sick. If my sister dies then I really cannot do this anymore. It all hurts. Life is really fucking trying me",Suicidal +6986,"I have been severly bullied since i was 5 till 15, this resulted in me being a depressed misanthrope with ptss and multiple anxiaty dissorders. I am now 18 have no friends,or social contacts. my study will be online so i will not meet people there, i do not sport since i have poor health because i was sick when i was a child. I do not drink so going to a bar to meet new people is not it, i do not like party's or festivals since its too crowded and filthy, dating sites are shit since most people that are on it are superficial, and even with the rare ocasion i get a match and message them i get no response, I am just done. I have wonderfull close family whom i love alot but, i just do not want to deal with this constant loneliness, does anyone have some recomandation of wich activatys would bring me more into contact with people( i do not have any hobbies or special intrest besides my obsesive facination about war and the reasons etc) How long am i suposed to go on until the ""better"" days come",Depression +6987,I am 20 year old with some good friends but I am just tired a had a problem with bullying when I was little and that hit me hard but the thing that annoys me the most is like all my friends succeeding in life without even trying like the relationship part without even wanting one and I just feel fucking jealous.. I am just fucking ugly and all I want is to find a person to love..I feel disgusted by myself that I am jealous of my friends and I just want to end it all but I just see my family's faces and I do not want to put them through this.. I feel I am playing my life on hard mode while everyone is on easy mode.. I just cannot do this anymore I am just tired.,Suicidal +6988,"My mom made me go to a camp that she knows I hate. Now I hate most days the only good time is at midnight where I can think to myself, but I do not want to call CPS because she does small things but they build up and I do not want to be taken away from my dog. So does it get better? Does it get better",Depression +6989,Help me for ideas simple healthy meals to make when you feel depressed Simple meals when feeling depressed,Depression +6990,"it is looming around the corner again. It always comes back. Like a wave, like the moon. I can hear the silence, feel the breeze, see the cold light. Death. I try and try and try. I choose and i survive. Then it hits again and everything goes dark. Suicide. Singing to me peace, quiet, end of everything. Resisting is difficult, so very difficult. Just a bright white piece of string and it would be over. Peace, quiet, end. I live with death, it is always there. it is looming around the corner.",Suicidal +6991,there is.....foodAnd other things I will be judged for and for having weird views because maybe I am delusional I want to go to jail. Life would be better there I am not joking. Maybe suicide would not even cross my mind in jail,Suicidal +6992,Been stuck in a loop of ruminating/ overthinking. I still cannot seem to connect with another person I find attractive even though that is the least of my problems right now. Just overwhelmed with what is in front of me and trying to stay calm but imposter syndrome is ringing in my ears Low,Depression +6993,"Since I began seeing a therapist 5 months ago I have realised the thought of being happy genuinely terrifies me, and I do not even really know why. I think its probably caused by multiple things. If I had to guess, I think I just do not feel like I deserve to be happy. I have hated myself for so long that maybe I have found comfort in my misery, like its my punishment or something. And in a related way, I think I am scared of my happiness being selfish. Having been miserable for so long, I think Id feel like a selfish asshole if I suddenly got over my issues and starting liking life when I know there is countless people in the world still feeling how I did. And furthermore, its only in the last while have I really begun to take my problems seriously and have been trying to be more sympathetic to myself, but even now with all the shit I am going through its like I can still barely take care of myself. And its like I am afraid of losing the various anxiety issues and what not that make me miserable, because if I lose only them and not my self-hating mindset, Ill have even less reason to sympathise with myself. Ill be some privileged selfish asshole and be even harder on myself than I have ever been.Lastly, I think I am just afraid of the thought of living in general. Death just seems soo simple and peaceful, and I think I have become fixated on the idea of dying. Having been miserable for so many years I think the idea of any more life terrifies me. because even if I did make an amazing recovery, Ill still get new problems, which could be just as bad or worse, and I could also relapse and redevelop all my anxiety and insecurity issues. In fact I have before, in 2018 I made huge strides and then in 2019 it all turned to shit again. And a lot of it was because I had one panic attack in front of an entire class in school, in front of most of the new friends Id made in 2018 who did not know I was an insecure, anxiety ridden loser with no friends before I met them. It pretty much shattered any progress I had made, and thereafter I had multiple panic attacks in school, making it even worse.Those are my interpretations anyway. Whenever I feel like I am making any progress on myself it sends waves of panic through me. I hate it so much, and I wish to fuck I knew what was causing it, because these are all good guesses but I still do not know if that is all there is to it. I am genuinely terrified of being happy and I do not even really know why",Depression +6994,"Did your depression start after a time of serious stress/anxiety? If so, this may be why you feel so disconnected. After times of intense stress, where we do not give ourselves any leeway or breaks, our body naturally will downregulate hormones to essentially force us to stop what were doing. So we may have super high levels of glutamate and norepinepherine keeping us in a stress response, but low levels of dopamine keeping us in a depression, and the high amount of anxiety neurotransmitters because us to feel both depressed and depersonalized (freeze response) If you feel disconnected from reality this may be why",Depression +6995,I am on zoloft and focalin and it is changed my life over the past four years for the better. But this week I have been feeling like I am regressing a lot. I do not have any interest in any activities I normally like. My brain feels like there is a fog around it and I love my new job but I do not have the energy to perform as well. My fiancee went out of town on Tuesday as well which just made things worse. I feel useless and tired and just like shit in general. I think it is hitting extra hard because I have been doing so well for so long. I would talk to my fiancee but she is been through so much with me that I cannot bear to put this on her. I am just lost... what am I doing wrong? I just want to get back in my routine but idk shit sucks. it is getting worse again...,Suicidal +6996,"I am going to make this short because i hate thinking about it, but long story short, I am getting better after months of medication, therapy, etc. My anxiety is at an all-time low and my antidepressants """"do not allow"""" my mind to wander too much into suicidal thoughts. But i hate it, i hate that I am getting better, i feel embarrassed whenever i catch myself doing something not depressing, like taking a walk, laughing, or doing stuff by my own will. And i feel SO SO selfish, i was given immense support from everyone, my mum has spent so so much time and money on therapists, psychiatrists, pills, etc; she is suffered more than anyone else, even more than me since i seem to enjoy being depressed. she is the happiest she is been in months since she can tell I am in a better mood and she is the only reason i have not ""tried harder"" to get worse, but i do not know how long i can keep it going.Something in me just wants me to maybe stop taking my meds without letting her know, get a new self destructive habit, and go back to the old me that did not leave his bed in days and could not keep a conversation for more than 2 minutes, i really miss it.I am going back to school in a couple of months (i dropped out), i started driving lessons yesterday, I am eating better, sleeping better, I am starting to live and behave like a regular person but i cannot handle it, it makes me feel bad, gross, EMBARRASSED, very embarrassed, and its just a cycle of:I am ok this makes me depressed I am ok again this makes me depressed etc.I do not know what to do, I am not even sure why i am even writing this since I will probably end up ignoring whatever help or advice i get, but i guess i needed to vent, thanks for reading and as always sorry for my english how can i be happy about getting better??",Depression +6997,"I have really bad feelings, but always when I try to look up something related to that on a forum or other website, they quickly go to a god. I din't want to hear about that stupid god, but I always find a perspn who does that. Because of that, I always quit the website and do sonething else stupid instead of searching for some comforting text. Why do so many people go to religion when they try to help someone with depression etc.",Suicidal +6998,"Everyone in my schooling system thinks I am autistic but I really faked it so my school work would be easier, I stopped going to school because I do not fit in there with anyone and nobody likes how different I am, I have problems about my body I have a dent on my chest and it makes me so self conscious I cannot do anything that requires me to not wear a shirt or people laugh at me and call me an alien, I have a gf but as of recently she is been loosing connection to me since she has her bestfriend back she does not want to be my bestfriend anymore, I have some friends they are really nice but I do not think they understand me, I think that my Dad hates me because I am not the son that he wanted, I feel like a disappointment to him and my family name because I am ""autistic"" and I have not gone to school for 3 years and I feel weak because I was molested and used when I was 10. I am 17 years old. I do not have a job and I used to be a drug dealer 1 year ago just because I hated going to school, when I was dealing I was addicted to MDMA and Xanax, they have both helped heavily with destroying my views and how I see myself, I have lost all of my happy emotions the only feelings that I feel is sadness and hatred to who I am. I cry almost every day of every hour just because living in my body hurts my soul so much. I do not belong on this planet or in this body. I hope nobody feels the ways that I do it is a shit feeling, I just needed to get this off my chest. I am planning on trying DMT as I have experienced LSD over 30 times but I would just like to try it to see if it changes anything about myself and if it does not change me I do not want to live here anymore. Sorry for huge wall of text Ik a lot of people on this subreddit probably do not actually care about anyone venting you all just care about punctuation and karma but I am doing it anyway I do not feel comfortable on this Earth anymore and I want to die",Suicidal +6999,"I have been talking to someone who I really liked. They were a great person and we really clicked. I told her that I could not do this with her because I am dealing with so much shit in my head that it is not fair to her. She said she wanted to be there for me and I shut her down. I am scared to be depressed around other people now. My poor mental health ruined one relationship and I do not want it to ruin another. I know I am much better now than I was in my previous relationship but I am scared that I might be a horrible person again.I am scared to let anyone be close. I feel like I am just getting by daily and cannot make any real connections anymore. The ability to get close to people is non-existent because I am scared that when they see the real me, they will leave. I am trying to improve but what if I cannot, what if I fall apart again? What if I am the piece of shit suicidal asshole that I was before? I am scared to put anyone through that. I kept making up excuses for why this was not going to work out. Distance, what we wanted, culture, but truthfully I am just fucking scared to be close to someone again. I am scared to be vulnerable. I wish I knew how to not be depressed. It controls my life. I hate it I am pushing people away",Depression +7000,"I have so many stressors in my life, all major things that tear me down. Every day I fight a battle not just with my mental health but with the world. Last night I finally broke. After 33 years of a shit show of a life, I am done. What ultimately triggered this is that my son (7m) with ADHD has been expelled from holiday club. I quit my job Jan 2020 because he was not coping in school and managed to find him a specialist educational provider as well as get him on medication. He did brilliantly! I however, hated being a SAHM and a carer. The loneliness is overwhelming and the fact that I only live to provide food and a clean house to 3 children. So, I started to think about going back to work in my area of specialty which is law. I got a job with a police department. Something for me and something where I will meet other adults without being attached to my children. I got all 3 of my children into a childcare provider and settled them in over months. I have officially been working for less than 2 weeks and my son has regressed back to his bad behaviour. He has been kicked out and now I have to quit my job and go back to being his full time carer. I cannot do this for the next 11 years of his life and possibly beyond that. I do not want to live anymore and there is no help out there for my situation. I can go back on antidepressants, I can go to therapy but none of these things fix my problem that I no longer have any autonomy over my life. I am not a person any more, I am merely a mum with no identity other than that of my children. I find no pleasure in anything and exhaust myself pretending to be happy for the sake of my family. I cannot work, and now as it turns out I cannot even die. I cannot leave behind my children, I am their only parent. I have no control in this life over anything. I now think I am too far gone to ever feel happy again. I want to die. I cannot go back to Groundhog Day",Suicidal +7001,Imagine waking up only hanging on by a thread and then you get a call from your bank that you lost $9000 to fraud from a possible job posting. Not to be dramatic but at this point I am convinced that life enjoys torturing me. And I am not sure how much longer I can be it is joke I am life's rag doll,Suicidal +7002,"Anyone know of a way that has no chance of failure, is decently quick and is not a gun? It would be much appreciated Painless way except gun?",Suicidal +7003,i feel like there is nothing left for me. i cannot go to school again i cannot handle that again. my entire life is about to change in a couple weeks and i just want it all to stop i want to die so bad,Suicidal +7004,"Not because of death, but because she wanted to get away.I have been depressed for over 10 years and maybe this is the lowest point I have ever been to.The last few days it seems like there is been an invisible force squeezing my chest all the time. I can barely eat. I spent 48 hours with only 1 sandwich in my stomach and after that I have forced myself to eat just to be able to get drunk after I get home from work just so the time goes by quickly and I do not feel this damn pain.She was my last friend. I am completely alone now.Losing people is always a disgrace to me, but ok. I have known this friend for 6 years, and even though we had a few periods without talking, we were doing well for almost 2 years, we never even had a fight until last week.Turns out I was pretty drunk and I ended up insisting on telling her that she did not really care about me and how I was a nobody to her. I really insisted on it, because I was drunk and could not even think straight, although she said clearly that she did care.Turns out she was hurt and does not want to talk to me anymore.She was the only person who really mattered and it made me want to keep living, I did not want to bring her pain.I tried to apologize, tried to ask him to understand and forgive me, but to no avail.The worst thing is that I did not even want to attack her the way I did, it is very easy for me to think that someone does not like me, after all I myself think I am rubbish and in no way worthy of any love.I did not even sleep the night that happened. I spent the whole night thinking about how I could kill myself.what is the fucking point on living if my life is a piece of thrash, and I feel bad absolutely all the time? I suck at everything and have no friends to have fun with. The ones I had I ruined it. How to deal with the pain of losing someone when you are depressed and that person was one of the pillars of your life?",Depression +7005,"It sounds quite stupid, I know. For the last couple of days, I have prepared everything I need (I will not bring the details, but it is a very elaborate plan) except one: a note. I started brainstorming and drafting what is useless and what is not, decided whether to post or write by hand, and checked for grammar. But I felt like even my last piece of writing, however short, was not good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. that is how it has always been. I want to perfect something in my life and end myself in a grand finale. Yet, I do not know. Perhaps I can give it another few days. Today is a new one. I am planning to end it all, but as a writer, I keep editing my suicide note",Suicidal +7006,"To me, its all I think about when I think about what I lost, its just a matter of when and how at this point. I have never felt that I want to do it this much before",Depression +7007,If I find out I have another illness on top of my epilepsy I will end my life. I am done. I am fucking done. If I find out I have something else,Suicidal +7008,"I have felt this way for so long I have always assumed it was normal- not so much that I was necessarily sad, but more often just numb? Like I never really feel joy or excitement, although occasionally (I distinctly remember the occasions) I have noticeable sense of peace that cuts through my general sense of heaviness. I am not sure if this depression, and I have not wanted to face it or label myself as such and be forced to deal with the reality of it if it is. I think I am having a hard time differentiating being depressed due to an internal chemical imbalance that needs to be reconciled, or just having a natural reaction to the state of the world or events (previous abuse, climate change, corruption, realizing you likely will not grow up to be what you thought you would be, the passage of time and loss of loved ones etc), or if that is a distinction that even matters? Depressed?",Depression +7009,"I am f21. i know it is pathetic to ask for help but i just want to talk and at least have a bit of hope that the future will be differentthe last days have been though and idk how it got to this, now i want to kill myself. i could talk to my friends but i do not want to worry them without actually trying it, they have their lives and my problems feel just too stupid to put that burden on someone else's mind. i do not want to bother anyone.i do not know if this kind of posts is allowed here but all i see are hotlines from other countries and not mine (Venezuela) so I do not know what else to do. i just want to feel better and talk to someone that can offer some kind advice, that would be nice :)i do not really want to kill myself but i feel it is the only way of getting rid of all my problems i just want to talk to somebody",Suicidal +7010,"My ex and I broker up after 3 years a few months back. I tried desperately to get her back after realizing i really did still love her. It failed and she is done and she has our cat we got together. I still love them dearly and I know ill probably never see them again. I finally got the courage to go through my phone and try to erase the photos of the cat. I just cannot do it. I have spent an hour going through the gallery and snap chat. I have just set them to hidden. It hurts far too much. I have been suffering through depression after realizing what I had let go, what I had lost. My little family. These photos are almost the last moments and belongings I have left of them. I am trying so hard to heal, but it hurts thinking ill need to forget our kitten.Does anyone else have any of advice for this? It really reopened a wound that was starting to heal. Maybe I just needed to vent for the day I had to go through all the pictures of my ex and kitten today",Depression +7011,"Hello guys , i m 21 with high eye pressure and currently on lumigan . I recently get a few phsical conditons and probably partly because of my mental diaorders ( doctors says that mental health affects esp. Some parts of our body , i have depression , anxiety and ocd btw) my doctor wanted to prescribe me cybralex but i know these drugs triggers glacouma , so is there any of you who has been on psychological pills and do not get any side effects?/ worsen ur pressure etc.? If so pls help me , is there any psychological medicine that does not worsen high eye pressure ? Having mental illnesses and glaucoma",Depression +7012,"Not a day goes by that I do not break down in tears at some point. 2021 has been the worst. Lost my job, my Aunt, and my stepfather. Now I am I am anxiously awaiting the results from a chest x-ray. My nerves are shot, I am stressed, I am struggling to pay my bills, keep my car on the road, still trying to figure out how I am going to afford the new tires I need while not missing a payment. My credit card has been living about $100 away from maxed for the last few months. I am starting to think everything would just be better if I did have lung cancer, then when I am gone I can stop worrying about money, and happiness, and I will not be such a burden on my family.My wife and I have talked about what is going on, but I have kept a lot of it from her, she sees me crying and does her best to ignore me. I am sure she resents me for being such a useless waste of space. When I am gone she will be able to find someone she can actually be happy with, guilt free.I just, I do not know, I guess I just needed to say it, not expecting advice, or help, just wanted to get some of these ramblings out of my head. Feels like I am all alone in this",Depression +7013,"If I fail, there is no more hope left for me, in this shitty life. it is going to be my 3rd attempt this year, so I am seriously messed up and ready to go. Previously I gave up because it was too cold and I want to die in the wilderness. This time I am better prepared. I do not have much more strenght to mask my emotions. 1 week then I gtfo I give myself 1 week to find a new job",Suicidal +7014,"I feel like I am at the end, nothing I do is ever right, I am stupid and worthless. I just do not see the point in living anymore I do not know if I can keep going...",Depression +7015,"I have not seen my 7 year old daughter in a couple of months because she moved across the country with her mom, and it has literally been killing me. My mind was telling me our relationship was damaged forever because of this. She is the only bright spot in my entire life. I have just been alternating between drinking and crying, mostly.Today we connected in an online game and had a great time, we are hopefully going to be playing regularly from now on and I will get to talk to her and bond with her through this. it is a pretty basic online game for kids but the first thing she did when she met my avatar was to shrink her own avatar into a little baby and jump on my shoulders like she did when she was a toddler in real life. I literally she would tears.I have also agreed with her mom to fly over there and spend a week or so with them soon.My life has been just a black hole for many weeks now and it is so incredibly refreshing to poke your head above the water and see at least a glimmer of hope and sunshine. She does not deserve to lose her dad and I now have new motivation to push on and try to get better.If a terminal case like me can do it, so can you, hopefully. My daughter just pulled me out of a black pit of despair",Depression +7016,My life has always been a mess but now I am at a point where I do not have much energy left to go on any further. Every second is tormenting me. I have made several mistakes that threw what is been left of me and my life completely off the rails and now I am devastated. I do not have any perspectives whatsoever and self hate eats me. What can I do? Nothing is fun anymore and I have no one. It gets worse everyday. People are trying to help me and they really do see what I am saying but they do not know how to help me either and they are professionals. I am in mental hospitals most of the time but it does not help. I do not know what to do anymore I feel horrible,Suicidal +7017,"I have given up on life. I hate my emotionally abusive parents. I wish they just fucking divorced. they are always arguing over literally everything, they are always fucking insulting me every fucking day. they are also overcontrolling af, treating me like a fucking object and making me literally feel like I am physically and mentally suffocating every day. I feel empty,useless and hopeless every fucking day. I wish i was aborted. I am in uni, but i have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life, and I do not have anywhere near enough money to move out.Fucking sucks having to pretend to friends that I am fine, when in reality I am constantly bawling my eyes out everyday because I think about killing myself everyday.I wake up everyday wishing I died in my sleep.I have tried so fucking hard to fight my depression. But it literally has destroyed me. I have got no fight left in me. Life just is not meant to be for me. I have had enough",Suicidal +7018,"Yes. It is necessary. However it is not a cure and does not fix everything. It does not fix trauma or trust issues when they are deeply ingrained because nearly everyone in your life abused and betrayed you. It does not fix depression. Coping mechanisms only go so far. You go to therapy, you talk about it, they give you coping mechanisms that trauma, depression and anxiety supersedes. And you have to trick yourself into having a positive mindset to the point where it is toxic or invalidating or bypassing very real issues sometimes. I hate it. If you do not have love, support or an environment that is not triggering then sometimes therapy is not enough. A recent K-pop star attempted suicide and all I see in the comments are: Get therapy. She needs professional help. The presence of a therapist is only temporary. Even if they are a good one. What about being home alone with your thoughts, trust issues and depression? What about feeling like you need to be held all the time? there is no medium for that. For Christ's sakes. I am so sick of people telling people to get therapy.",Suicidal +7019,"I cannot seem to go a couple of months without self-sabotaging myself. I do not know what comes first the depression or the self-sabotage but they work hand in hand to make me absolutely miserable. For the first time in two years I am considering going back to therapy because I just cannot live like this anymore. I cannot keep repeatedly, just making things unreasonably hard for myself. I deserve happiness and a chance at success just as much as anyone else. I just have to figure out a way to actually believe that, to put my words into thought and action. Self-sabotage",Depression +7020,"Than having to live my life. The negative outweigh the positives. The highs are not worth it.it is been like this for years. I have not become stronger, I am still the same. And still, nobody gives a fuck, because everyone is got problems.Why? Death seems a better option",Suicidal +7021,I have horrible ocd (pureo) and it constantly bothers me. I cannot be happy for more than 10 mins a day. I am miserable. I cannot even kill myself because people would miss me. I wish I could kill myself,Suicidal +7022,"I cannot fucking feel a single fucking thing man . I bottle up every feeling and I am so far away from everyone in my life . I have no friends or anyone I can talk to , I feel like shit right this now , I do not want anything in life , I do not want to grow old , travel , make friends or whatever the fuck everyone says we should live for . I just want to end it , I wish I died in my sleep , everyday I wake up I feel shock and sadness . I did not choose to be born so why do I have to suffer for people who do not give a fuck about me . oh god !! just kill me nowMusic used to make me feel better ( it was the only thing ) , but now even music does nothing . I cannot tell anyone about how I feel , I feel stuck I cannot take this anymore . My parents think that I am very lazy and stupid so anything I tell them would be because I am m lazy . Like I told my mom n dad about how I do not find anything interest while talking about career and they said it is because I am lazy and stupid that I think too highly of myself and that I am overconfident .They also said that I am useless and would not accomplish anything in life . when actually I have low self-esteem and zero self-confidence . how am I supposed to tell them about my depression that I have got because of neglect and abuse from them in childhood . Like I tell them that I do not feel like doing anything , then they would just say it is because I am lazy , you do not want to do this then you are fucking lazy and stupid ""I just want to die in my sleep , that is the only thing I want . I feel so alone , I wish I had someone to support me emotionally The worst thing about all this is being alone",Depression +7023,"had a lot of little half assed attempts i did not really start or go far enough through, but i did last night. the other time was when i ODd at 16was suffocating for an hour but i could not pass out just crying a lot at one point and writing out my thoughts. my neck and shoulders hurt a lot and i keep feeling tingly and dizzy at points. i really wanted to go to the ER but it is scary, you know?i have therapy later but i do not know if I will tell him. a lot of awful stuff has been going on. do not know if i can talk about any of it though. it is not like he can help me. he would probably have me shipped off somewhere where I will lose all my rights and probably be mistreated at best, but likely molested and abused at worst. and then i will not be able to get top surgery anymore because I am too cwazywish i could get like. some kind of medication to get me through these shit things but i just get treated like a druggie for wanting something more intensive than shit SSRIstexts someone sent me today are just sending me even more over the edge. nobody understands attempt #2",Suicidal +7024,"I am not excited, I am not happy for him, i just want to get this over with and get on to the next day My brother is getting married today and i feel absolutely nothing",Depression +7025,"cut onions so that i could get some tears out, since i cannot seem to cry and she would a single tear even though i feel like I am on the verge of crying for hours each day. it worked though, for the first few tears. but then nothing :( hit a new low recently",Depression +7026,"I have suicidal thoughts, anger and I just do not care anymore.On edge from transitioning and transitioning genders, getting angry at people attacking them verbally even physically, if it got to that stage and just want to end it all.As a coping mechanism, I have posted to NSFW subreddits on an another account and cannot stop. Is this what my life has come to? Sometimes in my life wish I were invisible.",Suicidal +7027,"I am over eating, my sleep schedule is erratic, my room is a mess, I am binging, I am moving slow, I am hurting myself, my head is blank, I have deep dark eye circles, I am over spending. I should have ended my life at April but my father is so selfish for getting the knife in my roomI need help. Help me stop please. I am desperate. I do not know if talking can help, but I do not think it can. It never does. I am alive but not living",Suicidal +7028,"I am only 21. But everyone around me just tells me that I always act so serious and sometimes even dress too conservatively for my age. It.. honestly hurts my feelings. I grew up in an environment where I had so much pressure put on to me to take abuse and not complain about it, and learn to do everything on my own. I am not claiming to be more mature then people my own age but I am just tired of people making fun of me for not being more ""fun"" idk, it seems something dumb to complain about but it just makes me feel sad today. I get told I act and look like an old person",Depression +7029,"// general narcissist venting, feel free to comment if you wantThe thought of dying without being able to see if anyone cares or not just fucks with me too much to actually commit suicide. I mean of course they would care. People even care when strangers die. The initial shock of someone you knew dying and knowing that you could not do anything about it is very traumatizing. But I think what would affect them is the idea of a family member dying, and not that they would miss things about me or reminisce over memories or anything like that. The only memories they have of me is me being a dumbass or saying ""what?"" five times in a row because my hearing is going.But the thought of this makes me want to go out and be something that I know I cannot be. I want to make something of myself but I just, I cannot. I have nothing to put on my resume, I cannot do taxes, there is so many obvious things that other people know that I just do not! And nobody thinks to tell me because I should already know! Why do not I already know basic crap! Why did I spend my childhood locked in my room instead of trying to learn and develope like a normal child! Why cannot I take care of myself without burning out? If I brush my teeth, shower, get dressed, and do my hair routine all in the same day then I am burnt out! that is it! I cannot do anything else for the day, I am too tired! there is no way I could work or get a job like this! I would burn out after one task and get fired! I hate that my huge sense of self importance has manifested into me always focusing on how I am the worst instead of atleast making me delusional enough to think that I am the best. I hate that my self esteem is based on other people's approval, but unlike other narcs I do not get approval because I am literally shit at everything so I am just an unmotivated sack of shit who cannot do anything. I hate that I even told anyone that I am a narc. Of course they would not accept me!! What the hell was I thinking!! What kind of idiot would expect anything different!! Things are not going to get better for the NPD community, not in my life time atleast! Well, maybe that will be another reason to stay alive. Imagine being an old man and seeing 20 something year olds openly talk about their NPD recovery process that they felt no shame entering because there is no more stigma, experiencing something I could not. Maybe. When I am in my 80s. And my mom, my poor mom. She has to pay for everything because I cannot do shit on my own. Physical therapy, regular therapy, medication, my food, I hate this!! You should not have to take care of me!! You should be relaxing somewhere without worrying about my next diagnosis or my next medication or whether or not any treatment is working!! You should be doing your hobbies and I should be the one buying you things!! Maybe I will get to the point of recovery where I am not so self-centered, and then I can finally let go. And they can all finally live their lives. I wish I was not such a narc so I could just find peace in death",Suicidal +7030,"Yeah, this is a question I have been chewing on for a long time. I have been in the depths before, as I know you all have, too, but even in those deepest depressive periods, I still wonder how I know for certain that what I am experiencing is depression. It being of the subjective mind, it seems like depression does not have strict dimensions or even definitions. it is hard to pin down and say for sure, one way or another, ""I am depressed."" This has been an obstacle for me. Trying to take it seriously. I doubt that what I have is depression. I doubt my own ability to objectively judge this. I doubt my problems are problems at all and this just makes me feel selfish and kind of like a loser that has to fake a mood disorder to get along in the world. The ambiguous nature of depression, other mood disorders, and the feeling mind alone is enough reasonable doubt to because even more suffering in me, like depression that is accompanied by a feeling of guilt and self-deprecation.Is this normal? Part of depression's deception? Or are there ways to draw a line near-ish the middle between depressed and not depressed? We can do it to a very fine degree with physiological illnesses. Surely we could do the same for the mind, but are we there yet? How do you know for certain that depression is ""depression""? I invite you to share your information and opinions.",Depression +7031,"Started volunteering at a local animal shelter. I feel better, not happier. I still really hate myself, but I think I can push forward. I want to start painting and drawing to express myself, I know I'l start eventually. Days just blend in",Suicidal +7032,"I have been so disconnected with the world, my family, and myself for the past few years. I do not know what my face looks like. I see it in a mirror but cannot picture that is actually me. My dad talked about me as a child and I cannot picture that happened. I was never a child. I never existed. Nothing does. Idk how to talk to my family friends and even little sister who I was so close with. Idk what to do Disconnected",Suicidal +7033,"If you could understand, maybe you would see why I am so angry, so hurt, so destroyed. I know from your perspective, maybe you see someone who is hurting, maybe you see someone who needs help.&#x200B;But if you could look beyond my eyes, behind my face. The constant struggle to just be alright and it feels like you are completely alone because you actually are. Alone in this desolate wasteland with crumpled buildings, decimated roadways and highways. &#x200B;Twisted metal signs, relics of the past. With old directions guiding to better places than here. The ghosts of yesterday yelling out from the corridors of collapsed buildings as the wind whistle through the burned out city. The sun glaring down as dark clouds approach, gusts of wind kicking up large plumes of dust in the distance, heading for the city as lightning begins to strike and bombs begin to drop.&#x200B;Within a moment you are surrounded by flashes of memories all over, all around you and in the winds you can hear the faint voices, some screaming, some crying, some are my own voice filled with regret and sorrow and loss.&#x200B;The flashes are so intense that the images of memories begin to bleed together as you see my life unfold in bits and pieces and for a moment, just a brief second, you see me for who I really am but I whisp away into the surrounding debris just as quick as you can blink. As though it were just a ghost, just a projection of all the things I wished I could ever be. Strewn to the wind and shattered into a million pieces as you look onward trying to make sure you were not just imagining things. &#x200B;The storm still flickering lightning and gunfire sounds in the fractured buildings echo around you as all sunlight fades and just as quickly as it came, the storm has passed.&#x200B;you are left still wondering if everything you saw was real or not. That image of me, the forgotten dreams, the screams. How much was real? How much was just your mind trying to put the pieces together? &#x200B;All these questions and doubts, like the particles of dust now drifting further away. Like a candy wrapper caught in the wind, the idea of ever knowing dies alongside the winds as they begin to settle and the sun blares bright again.&#x200B;You put your hand above your eyes to shade them from the sun as you look to the sky in some hope if seeing more storm clouds. They say every cloud has a silver lining but none of these clouds seem to be anything but black, darkness, harsh. &#x200B;Until you realize that you do not have to be here and your sight zooms out, slowly revealing my eyes and the pain they hide as you travel back behind your own eyes and see this figure in front of you, torn by war and so much pain. Not quite human but the figure tries.&#x200B;Just as quickly as that image popped up during the storm then dissipated, the notion of who this creature is in front of you begins to blur. A hollowed out she will of all the grand things that could have been. &#x200B;It is then, I think, you would begin to understand that there is nothing left here in front of you worth salvaging and so it would just be easier, simpler, to walk away. My bad place",Depression +7034,"I literally feel so worthless I have written and deleted three posts in the last hour and a half. None of them were worth posting and I actually still believe that. Anyway, none of you guys better off them selves! That goes for the ladies too! . And all the freaks like me. A stupid reason to post",Depression +7035,"Today is the last day of being 27. Tbh I always thought I will die way before 28. Life is not great right now. I still have A LOT of issues with my depression and taking different types of pills, most of the days I do not have the tiniest bit of focus and feel mad and upset for no reason. Still, I managed to keep my job and my alcohol consumption under control. It sucks but I also have a big exam tomorrow right on my birthday. Wish me luck Going to be 28 tomorrow, never though I will make it this far",Depression +7036,"I have a close friend who has suffered from periods of depression for years. she is been doing well for the last year, but for the past month has clearly been struggling. she is lonely and does not have anyone else in her life with whom to talk.When we do talk, she has been dropping obvious signs that she is aware that she is become depressed, but when I try to push her to go to counseling, she gets annoyed and wants to change the subject. She admits that she should go, but has no motivation to physically go. And she also has doubts that it would actually help based on past experiences.My question is, how hard should I push her to get help? Should I keep bringing it up even when she says she does not want to talk about it? Should I tell her that I will not talk to her anymore if she does not go? Or should I give in, ignore her depression, and only talk about light topics.. maybe at least providing her social stimulus and relief from her own thoughts? How much pressure to apply to a friend to get help?",Depression +7037,"So i do not take it for BP, i take it for PTSD, OCD and migraines and so far it aplears to be lifting me out of the depression that comes as a symptom of those conditions. Instead of wanting to just lay in my bed all day and shut myself away, I am actually wanting to do stuff and lay with my cats in the living room and interact. I have like 1 to 2 tiny depressive mood drops on it each day but they last literaly like 5 min and then it brings me back up Lamictal is pulling me out of this",Depression +7038,"I feel like nothing everyday, I wake up and ask why am I alive and why did not I die in my sleep? I mean almost nothing to most members but of society so if I offd myself people would forget about me after using my name for publicity after 3 days.When you die people only care then use your name for clout.Tired of living a life I did not ask for, I have no goals, no motivation. I live in a bum ass town encompassed in a shitty county with no opportunities. People tell me no excuses but, I do not care I am not as strong as everybody. And being a man they expect you to suck it up and hold it in. But in reality I just rather off myself or die in my sleep. On the edge and probably about to write my final note.",Suicidal +7039,"I have called the Samaritans, I used to contact childline and I cannot go counselling or to my family or to my school. they will contact safeguarding n Ill be placed in a mental hospital. I want to commit but Ill feel guilty but then I do not want to continue. When I die I will not feel guilt, I will not have memories or any worries. So peaceful. I am going to do it",Suicidal +7040,"I am 19 male. Both of my parents where immigrants my dad died in a car accident and my mom crazy and killed herself shortly after when I was 8. My only family left was my grandma. She raised me and I fucking love her so much, but she is old and has Alzheimers. Its so fucking hard seeing her drift away. I should be grateful that I was given such a loving and awesome grandma for the time she was there. I just do not know what Ill do when she forgets me. My depression has really gotten bad I do not want to take paxil because I am scared of the suicidal thoughts. Any tips? What do I even do?",Depression +7041,"I have been reaching out for help. I do EVERYTHING that I am told to help me feel better.Well today I called a place about the sexual abuse I went through as a kid. A charity that gives therapy to people who have gone through that.Well. Because I was not raped, it is not deemed bad enough. I was simply molested for 2 years by a neighbor as a kid so they do not think I can get help from them.I was referred to this place by a NHS mental health team who keep referring to these places. One place will tell me I am too severe to help. And now, this place says what happened was not bad enough. I was not even abused the right way. Even my abuse was done wrong.Which is the SECOND time I have heard it this week, about TWO different types of abuse. And then people have the cheek to ask me why I am so miserable. I am literally asking for help and doing all the rubbish I am told to do, and yet here we are.Damn. Just damn.(please no ""it gets better"". That makes me feel worse EVERY TIME) I was just told my abuse was not severe enough",Depression +7042,"It always feels so peaceful the first 5 seconds after waking up then it all goes to shit, anyone else experience that? Last night I had someone over to help me take my mind off shit and it should have worked but it did not. I should be on top of the world but it does not feel that way. I just got pussy why am I so fckin empty? I am so fckin down. And now I feel like I have used someone and they do not deserve that. I miss my girl so fckin much. My mind keeps going to this picture of her laying with me eyes closed and I am just running my hand through her hair admiring how beautiful she is. Fck I miss how it felt when I kissed her. What do I do with this energy. I cannot get her back and I am left with this feeling that clearly I cannot put into someone else and be happy with it. It just sits with me waiting till I am alone so it can Fck me up. I cannot get through my head that it was not going to worl with her its like I am going through the grieving process again and I am at denial. This weighing too much on me. Pray for me you all its one hell of a morning Still empty",Depression +7043,"So I am 22f, I have a great and supportive family and a boyfriend whom I met in University.I am in my last year of university and the pressure to figure out what I should do after getting graduated is getting to me, since the pandemic started we are having classes from home so attending classes is not a big deal.The problem is I do not feel like doing anything I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. So I do not do anything which is making me guilty. I have a lot to do tbh searching for an internship. focusing on my subjects, deciding if I want to go abroad for further studying if I decide to abroad the admission process and exams I need to give, there is a lot going on in my head. When I sit down and try to do anything I feel anxious like I am missing out on something and thinking about the things which I could be finishing. and I end up not doing nothing and just browsing youtube for hours. I just do not know what to do I feel lost and anxious.does anyone has any advice? I feel guilty",Depression +7044,"I no longer look forward to ANYTHING. I have a beautiful girlfriend, a caring family, job opportunities, talent, looks, personality, but inside I am miserable and have lost my love for life. I spent about 3 years of my life going through all the popular antidepressants, benzodiazepines, etc. but none of them worked. I no longer drink alcohol because I abuse it and I no longer smoke weed because when I do, I smoke non-stop and get even more depressed. I am at the end of my rope and I no longer know what to do. I am not going to commit suicide but I just wish I could find some hope. Any suggestions would be appreciated I am 27 (m) & Everything in my life is picture perfect from the outside, but my depression is eating me up inside day by day.",Depression +7045,"I am so sick and tired of not being able to do anything the right way, first my ex broke up with me, then alot of my friends started ignoring me, and now I just do not have the energy to do much and the stuff I want to do, I cannot do correctly, and its a stupidly easy thing id rather not mention, I am really really tired of trying anymore. I do not have a clue what I am doing anymore.",Suicidal +7046,I have just been sitting on my couch and I am just feeling lost about what to do about my dog because he was ran over. Like when I think about him i start crying to the point I cannot even breathe right and i miss him so much I do not want to do anything after he died ion rlly have much people to talk to about this and I talked to a friend and I feel better about it but I am still crying every single time I think about him or look at his equally sad sister. I have never been the type to be sad and gloomy but this broke my heart too much and I do not know how to handle it on my own. I am just confused as to how it happened why it happened and I do not even know how to feel about this. I am lost and confused,Depression +7047,"Content warning: Please do not read this post if you are suicidal/prone to suicidal thoughts. I do not want to trigger a negative spiral for anyone else.I am 19M from Turkey. My family history from the maternal side is filled with mental health issues, I have a depressed mother and a suicidal sister who is older than me. I have a very sensitive temperament, am very neurotic and introverted. I am somewhat bright academically (not a genius, but significantly above average), have no hobbies or social life. Ever since the age of 13, I have been severely depressed and isolatedI know maany people have it much harder than me, and I am somewhat in a privileged demographic but I really need to vent without holding back. Living in Turkey is very hard nowadays with the islamo and nationalistic fascist regime, and even if I want to migrate, I will be met with some degree of prejudice because I am a middle easterner. I do not want to leave my country ideally too, but there is no choice other than to strive for an escape. I am not religious, believe life is meaningless. Those are not the reasons behind my depression, though. I do not give a shit about life being meaningless, because I know the brain only seeks happiness and meaning is irrelevant in this case. The problem is, I cannot fulfill my needs and it is destroying meMy lack of social life especially hurts in my relationships with girls. I have gone through many rejections, only to deduce thata) my need for approval is making me unattractiveb) I am not good/attractive/sociable enough for women to take notice of me, want meOf course nobody tells those to my face, they are rather the constant messages I come across reading dating advice blogs, psychological studies on attraction etc. It is even more depressing when dating, intimacy and relationships are portrayed through a lens of competition. And even more depressing that I have no satisfying counter arguments against that. I, too, can see that this is all just a competition; but some of us (me included) are not comfortable admitting. I remember listening to the talks of evolutionary psychologists, how they talk about ""everyone is trying to get the best deal they can"" and ""you may be miserable as an 8, since you lust after 10s but 6s lust after you."" Dating is a market; and I just cannot see how you can be happy or fulfilled unless you are in the 1% as a maleI know suicide, if done right, would be the same as falling asleep, just not to wake up. I know painless ways, and losing hope in ever attaining a fulfilling intimacy just makes me lose interest in living. I have a very painful daily lived experience, and I just wish for the pain to go away but it persists. There is always an unfulfilled need for love, and it is veery hard to fulfill that need. And I do not have the skillset to have it fulfilled (and mind you; I have been trying very hard to be social. My temperament is just too apparent)I am going to wait for my therapy sessions. I just want this painful feeling of isolation and rejection to go away. And it will not. I may decide on killing myself a year later if I feel the same way, and things did not change I am considering suicide",Suicidal +7048,"19 years old, male, from the Philippines. The lockdown here has been going on for 2 years and more now. It completely sucks here. Not only the government, but also the parenting style and community. My parents are giant narcissist, gaslighting bastards, apathetic, scapegoating, victim blaming, and abusive people. I grew up as a kid being parentified by my mom, while experiencing how my dad openly cheated on my mom while wasting the money we have. I did not feel like I grew with a father because he never tried to form an emotional connection with me. When he does, it will be him giving something while saying he worked his ass of for it so we should be grateful for it. He has forever glorified himself having a job, and he will use it in any arguments we had; ""I am the one who has the job, who feeds you, and who gives you everything. Be fucking grateful!"" in his words. I would be beaten up by him with a belt as a kid so it has left me traumatized by flinching at anything that is loud, surprising, or both. He has not changed from my childhood until now, except it has only gotten worse as time goes on. He has endlessly made me hate him with no possible resolutions. Calling me a failure, useless, good-for-nothing, and disgrace of a son does not help at all. He is the reason why I despise cheating, abusive, and manipulative people with a passion. His god complex shows to everyone else. It does not help that he is a cop so his temper is extremely bad. He has a fragile ego that will automatically collapse when told he is wrong or disagreed with. He also thinks he is doing our pets a favour by caging and leashing them their entire lives. he is truly an abusive piece of shit that does not deserve a family of his own. he is a manchild that accidentally had children.As for my mother, she is the epitome of gaslighting, victim blaming, and narcissism. You literally cannot talk to her without her taking it personally. Like my horrible father, she also thinks the world revolves around her. This is the person who made me go through parentification as a fucking 6 year old. Until now, I have been her downpour of traumas, pain, bad memories, and rants. I am literally exhausted from everything because of this. And I HAVE to listen to her or else everything turns bad; she manipulates my father to teach me a lesson. She also believes she cannot be wrong. She strongly believes feng shui, the supernatural, superstition, and the occult. She has made our entire lives revolve around superstition. I have been gaslighted by her for who knows how much; I do not even know if my feelings are valid anymore. She would try to have an emotional connection with me, but she would just make it about herself after. Literally goes and minimizes my experiences just because she thinks she had it worse. If I have not said it before, these two are very religious. They would rather pray and complain instead of doing something. They are fanatics of the horrible president we have, and they think everyone should respect them.As their child, I am riddled with face and body acne with no help at all to relieve it; father had extreme face acne, mom has extreme body acne but no help from them. Instead, I am called out for being careless about my body and face by both of them for years. They also told me that it will just go away anyway ""like theirs"", so no medicine is needed. Due to it, I experienced a lot of bullying in my highschool years because of my acne. I could not form proper connections with others and often dressed weirdly to hide my body. I was called the ""Pimple King"" by my classmates; I wanted to kill myself so much from it because I had NO ONE to talk to about it.Fast forward to now, I have fought and kind of got some freedom, but here I am again wanting to fucking die. I had already wanted to die from my highschool daysabout 6 yearscontinuously. I had attempts but none worked. I am doing everything in the house, yet I am called a fucking failure yet again by my piece of shit father for something I did not do; our cat accidentally unplugged the doorbell ringer, which my father uses to call us when he needs us for something, in our room. When he realized there was not any doorbell noises, he checked it out and saw it was unplugged. He called me a failure for it because ""I do not care about anything and do not have a sense for anything"". These days, I cannot find anything enjoyable, interesting, or fun anymore. I just want to die. I am trying to find something to do, but my brain just rings out ""what is the point?"" and I stop. I am just in bed right now wanting to fucking die. Someone take my life please. Please. [LONG POST] Someone kill me please",Depression +7049,Boyfriend deals with depression. Is not wanting to be alive. Affecting our relationship. I have tried to understand but I cannot see his position. Trying to be there. Please any tips I want him to be happy and be the best partner I can be to him but it seems like its lost. help,Depression +7050,"I have been through hell and back just to be myself, lost my (extremely abusive) birth family in the process (who never accepted that they had a daughter instead of a son anyway), accidentally found out about a ton of memories from my childhood, and I just do not want to be in all this pain. I cannot work bc my stupid brain does not function properly, especially around other people, and I am running out of food. I started therapy, but idk how long it will take to get better and I am just hurting so much. I should not have to deal with all this pain just bc I was born in the wrong body and to the wrong family, it is just not fair. it does not feel like things will get better for me",Suicidal +7051,"I have a good life if you were to look at me from the outside, but I am rarely ever happy. I have noticed lately, that when I am on social media and see something not ideal or bad happen to someone (unplanned pregnancy, breakups, etc.) I get a good feeling. Of course, there are some instances where I am happy for family members and friends who have positive things happen to them, but if its someone who has either ignored me (especially if the opposite sex), I get an especiallyyy good feeling when I see bad shit happen to them. I really want to work on this, but it is not something that I have dealt with much beforeand it makes me feel like just a bad person at the end of the day. Any thoughts or similar experiences dealing with this? Thanks. Is this Normal?",Depression +7052,"i have not been suicidal for awhile, a good 3-4 months! I am still living with my parents, and my mom keeps all pills (& other things i could use to hurt myself) in her room. she fills up a pill container for a few days, no more than 4 at a time. and will not let me take more atarax which i need throughout the day, so i have to ask her continuously. she also does not think i should take much, even though the safe amount is way more than i take everyday.basically, i do not get why I am trying if nothing is changing. i attempted my worst attempt about a year ago, I am about 5 months clean from self harm and am not suicidal! when does the trust come back? i understand she is scared, that is valid. but i will not grow at all if I am kept under lock & key forever. why am i trying",Suicidal +7053,"A week ago I was fine. Now all my friends hate my guts, and I cannot go outside because I have fuckhbg Covid. If the virus does not kill me then I sure as hell will do its job for it My life has gone downhill so fast",Suicidal +7054,"I finally got my depression well under control at the end of this last year. I was managing an exercise routine, cooking lots of healthy and fun meals instead if junk food, spending more quality time with my family, enjoying hobbies again, thriving in school, and managing a self care and hygiene routine (which was always one of my big struggles).I felt like I finally got things under control but I made a big mistake that is sent everything crashing down. I took on extra responsibility and I put too much on my plate. I would rather not elaborate on what it was, but now I feel like I have no time for myself so all of my routine went out the window. I had to do a late withdraw from my last 2 college courses when I had maintained a 3.9 prior. I do not shower or brush my teeth for days at a time, I find myself binge eating and falling back into restrictive eating disorder habits, I only really look forward to eating and getting in bed every night. The Fall semester is set to begin and I do not even think I will be able to do it. If I am lucky I might slide by and pass but I am going to suffer even more with that on my plate too. Why the fuck cannot I be a functioning person? Sometimes I want to move away from my family and just let myself self destruct to my hearts content. I feel like I live to eat and sleep again",Depression +7055,"It always gets worseI have no friends, nobody can stand me, I have horrible acne and I look absolutely disgustingTerrible social anxiety, it is only been getting worseIt's not getting better and I wish I had the energy to kill myselfI used to try a lot, Meditate and do yoga and eat healthy but it never did anything. I am just really, really tired now Been depressed for 7 years",Depression +7056,Why am I so stupid? I fell for someone who cannot love me back. Loving him hurts so much but I do not know how to stop. I know he will not be in my life forever and when he starts college I will not have much chance to see him anymore. I really do not want us to just slowly drift apart and stop talking. I do not want to be alone. I already have nothing to live for and if hes gone as well there will not be anything worth staying alive for. I hate myself for loving someone,Suicidal +7057,"Throwaway account because God forbid anyone who actually knows me sees this.I am just tired and it does not even feel worth it anymore. It just feels so futile and hopeless to stay alive.I was diagnosed with adhd, depression, and binge eating disorder in February, I am on medication and yet I am still fucking up a lot. I am still late for work on occasion, I am still having a hard time getting things done around the apartment, I keep telling myself that I will do good things like cook healthy food and wake up and take walks and wash my face ""from this point forward"" but it never happens or I do it for a day or 2 and cannot keep it up.Before, I thought what my family said was true and I am just lazy but I cannot function without medication. And what is the point of living a life where I need medication and I am still having trouble getting it together anyway? I would rather be dead than wasting air and people's time. I Wish I Was Dead",Suicidal +7058,There is almost 100% chance that my situation is due to all the toxic and stupid people around me. I am cutting everyone off and dissepearing to start a new life for myself. Wish me luck I decided to cut off everyone I know from my life,Depression +7059,"A week ago my overseas boyfriend of 6 years went to prison. This means no contact for 18 months for us. Idk how I have coped honestly. there is been days where I do not feel like living and are never ending. I am young I am 17 and hes 19, but this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are not able to call due to me not being 18 yet and I cannot go over seas due to covid an financial situations atm. I knew it would be hard but I never thought it would be this hard. I have started sleeping all day, not eating, falling behind on class work and constantly crying/panic attacks. I miss him so fucking much every single day, and dread the 17 months ahead of us. there is a possibility he could get out in 12 but I do not want to get my hopes up. I am so grateful it did not hit the 2 year mark or was not a sentence like 5 years but its still so hard. It constantly feels like I do not want to live anymore but I am trying hard to hold on for him. have not felt this pain in a while. Heart ache more like heart attack.",Depression +7060,I have been going through a lot lately and all I can think of is taking my own life. All I feel is pain and depression and I am honestly not sure if I really want help or just for everything to end I need help,Suicidal +7061,"Quick background; I suffered social anxiety for most of my 20's and went in and out of depression throughout the years. I am now 31 with no friends, just a boyfriend and all my family who I barely get along with anyway live in another state. Over the last few years I have learnt to be ok with feeling lonely and being by myself. I have learnt to enjoy my own company and that is great and all but I am still friendless. I also went through a horrible year in 2019 where I went numb to something that was happening in my relationship so I would not ""feel"" so much kind of like depersonalization/derealization. Things have gotten better but the numbness has remained. I am not sure how to explain it properly but I do not have anything in my life that is thrilling or exciting to me nor do I care to seek this out. Most people have a vice like shopping, gambling, some sort of sport or activity that gives them a rush. I used to want to travel, I thought maybe that could fill my time or get me excited but even though I have the money and could travel (once out of lockdown), I just do not care for it anymore. it is like, I cannot take the memories when I die so what is the point? I could sit in my lounge room and street view places in Canada for example so once again, what is the point?All I do these days is work, come home, click around on some sites and do it all again the next day. I barely talk to anyone online. My relationship is boring and stale and even though we could spice it up, sometimes I just do not care to. I love my boyfriend but I want someone else to talk to and hang out with. I almost have no reaction to things. If I won a million dollars or even 5, I think my reaction honestly would be ""meh"". Everyone my age is either having kids, married or have successful careers. I have never chased success so I really do not care to climb the career ladder or chase money. None of that matters to me. I am not sure what does. I cannot help but feel as if I am wasting my life away. Sometimes I wish I could have a crazy life. Sometimes I get the urge to do something so out of character to shock myself. To get that thrill. To feel excitement.God, I am so utterly bored with my life. I feel numb about most things. I feel very little excitement or thrill in life.",Depression +7062,"I grew up being a very bad kid, i smoked weed from age 9 first time i got drunk i was 13, since child hood we moved from place to place, never had my friends as we always moved, since i was 18 i moved away from my parents to another country and 3 years later, still cannot make friends because people are so fucking antisocial here, i lost my first son after 3 days of birth due to placenta seperation, and now my job is pissing me off, i want to break up with my gf but i love her, money is a big issue and recently I have been having suicidal thoughts and other thoughts, is there anyone that has any tips? Tired of living, weird thoughts",Depression +7063,"I do not know what happened. Over the course of one night I went from optimistic to questioning my reality. I am a 27M and it seemed like I got under eye wrinkles within a night. I do not know if I did not realise it before but I certainly did the morning after and the revelation hit me like a bus. I look old. Older than a 27 year old. I am single, I have no career, no degree, no money and have nothing going on in my life. But the odd thing was before that night I was still hopeful about things turning around in my life. But as soon as I saw my wrinkles that hope just seemed to vanish into the creases under my eyes. I realised I was no longer young and the thought of getting old alone is scary. Finding a partner was hard enough but this will only make it harder. The thought of aging is depressing me.",Depression +7064,"tw talk about eating disorder further downHi, sorry for long post and bad formatting. I do not know who to ask this as I am on a long waiting list for a psychologist and have no one else to talk to.I have always had problems with breakfast, mostly because I have trouble waking up and am so tired that the thought of food makes me nauseous. Before work (I am currently on sick leave) I used to force down a sandwich only because I know I faint easily. Work also helped me maintain a somewhat proper meal schedule as I had designated lunch and snack breaks, and I always had an appetite right after work.Now when I have been been home several months, eating is a massive problem. Getting up earlier than 2pm is a huge but rare success but even if I do I just do not feel like eating for hours, despite feeling so hungry my stomach hurts and my head spins. I just do not crave anything and I try to drown the hunger with water and cigarettes and occasionally save myself from fainting by eating dextrose.This results in me lying around like a zombie for hours, not having the energy to do anything, until I feel too weak to make even a sandwich without having to sit down. Basically, during daytime, I HATE eating. I wish humans did not HAVE to eat and could survive off water.But then in the evening, I often find the cravings wash over me. Not only do I tend to eat unhealthy to begin with bc I do not have the energy to cook (for example I often just have microwave food or frozen pizza), but at night while watching shows or playing games I feel some kind of NEED to have something. Sometimes cigarettes and tea works, but often the cravings are too strong. It can be anything I have lying around, like crisps, chocolate, nuts, anything. Sometimes it feels like a proper craving but sometimes it feels like I just have to occupy my hands and mouth. Not giving into this often results in nail biting instead, or even worse pulling at my toenails until they bleed (gross i know, but I physically cannot stop and have not been able to show my feet to anyone throughout my life). Giving into the cravings on the other hand makes me feel disgusting, like a grotesque emotional meat machine that keeps eating just for the sake of eating. I feel disgusted by the warm feeling I got after eating those tasty donuts, like how I sometimes feel disgusted after spending money on some useless expensive shit I do not really need but that gave me happiness for one small moment. It makes me feel materialistic but like, with food, if that makes any sense.Now I know the lack of food during the day probably is a big reason for the nocturnal cravings. But it is so hard forcing myself to eat when my appetite is not there, let alone cook proper meals. I am also very conscious about my body and feel like shit knowing that I have put on some weight in recent years, even though I KNOW deep inside that no one cares about that and that weight should not define my attractiveness. But despite this, I have never had an ED. And despite having somewhat ED-like thoughts about food, this feels like mainly a problem with appetite related to my depression and apathetic tendencies. I know that if I could just pull myself together, I could have somewhat healthy eating habits.My past therapist kept nagging me about meal planning but even when I am grocery shopping I cannot for the love of god come up with any ingredients to buy, despite being kind of good at cooking. Hell, planning ANYTHING nowadays feels like climbing a mountain.Does anyone have similar problems, like lack of appetite? How do you refrain from giving into cravings/comfort eating? How do you manage your daily food intake when depression takes away most energy and enthusiasm to do anything at all? How do you deal with apathy, the kind that makes it hard to even walk from the couch to the bed? How do you keep afloat? Because I am on the verge of drowning. No appetite during day, cravings at night",Depression +7065,I do not know what my purpose is on this planet. No idea what I want to do in terms of a job. I feel no passions or have any kind of dream i wish to chase. It makes my life and existents almost feel pointlessWhat am I actually here for. what is the point in living 80 or more years unhappy. I just want to not exist but that is not possible without serious repercussions Just wanted to rant and see if I was the only one. Struggling to understand a purpose,Suicidal +7066,"I have posted about it several times, but here goes. 12 months ago I joined a dating website and met a Thai woman. We got on EXTREMELY well. I thought she was the one for me. It later transpired that she had 2 children which she did not tell me about. Odd, but ok. I decided to go with the flow and see whether we could make it work. Shortly after, we got into a relationship.One night I video-called her and she did not reply. She said she was feeling unwell and she would see me tomorrow. When I turned up the next day, she was standoff-ish. I saw her phone on the side so I grabbed it and took a look at her photo album, looking for the photos we would taken a week earlier.I was horrified to see a picture of her in bed with another man. she would cheated on me the night I called her. Even worse, after I confronted her, she told me it was for money. Yes, he would paid my girlfriend to sleep with him. Turns out she was on some kind of dating app and had arranged that behind my back. There were a few other guys she would arranged to see but she did not in the end.She assured me it would not happen again and she had not done it before. Turns out it was all a big fat lie. I found out she was a hooker. By this point we would already given it another go. I would got attached to her and her two. children. I would cooked for them, bought them things - I felt like a part of their family.Anyway, I thought it was all going well and that was behind us, when she cheated. Again. I saw a guy online reviewing her. Yes, REVIEWING her service(s) and he described what happened and how much she charged. I was devastated. I cried buckets of tears.Fast forward a few months and we had given it another go and we were getting along well - when all of a sudden she dumped me. She said she was going back to that lifestyle and it left me a broken man. I would loved her, forgiven her several times, I would been looking after her children. I did absolutely everything I could for them. I am just left with pain. I will not commit suicide, but the pain has been so bad I have thought things like: ""when I am gone I will not be in this pain"".she is blocked me on everything. I called her phone from another number and she hung up when she heard my voice. she is treated me like a piece of trash. At an all time low",Suicidal +7067,"I am so damn exhausted of my mind screwing everything up. I am about to turn 30 in a few weeks and although I have been fortunate enough to have had many women interested in me throughout the years, I just cannot seem to hold a stable relationship for longer than a few months. When I was younger it was not a huge deal, but now that I am getting older I am beginning to feel I may never be able to develop a long-lasting meaningful romantic connection with anyone and it makes me feel so deeply alone.The thing is, I am able to clearly see how it is me pushing my partners away. Once the initial excitement wears off, I go back to being aloof, insecure and self-centered and I can sense my masculine essence eroding. I can see how my partners go from being attracted to me to feeling sorry and completely turned off. I do not blame them. I do not want them to carry any of my burdens. I want to own up to them and keep fighting to get better. But with each passing relationship, I just become more afraid of opening up about my mental struggles and having them realize that the confident, fun version of me is kind of a part-time deal.On top of it all, I seem to be developing some kind of body dysmorphia. Depression sure seems to have done a number on me physically and its causing me to age a lot more quickly than my peers. I am rapidly losing my hair, about a third of my beard and body hair is already gray, I have bad eye bags and dark circles and, although I have tried, I just do not look good completely bald and I have been told as much by friends. I legitimately hate looking in the mirror most days. I even started dating older women in hopes that it would even things out, but the same thing happened.My last partner recently left me after I became insecure and started acting weird and it really hurt me because I actually did care about her. But somehow, just a week later, the universe has already put two new women in my life who are showing interest. The thing is, I am seriously afraid of trying this again and screwing it up once more. I do not think my heart can take much more disappointment and I am tired of superficial connections.I know I need to develop self-love and find something to get excited about every time I wake up before I try to find someone again, but the thing is I am also very lost and lack direction in life. The only thing I am truly passionate about is music, and that is just not going to pay the bills or provide me with the financial stability that a relationship requires. Besides that, I am working on finishing a degree in biochemistry (two semesters left), but I have no desire to go to grad school or Med school, and the job prospects with a B.S. in that field look bleak.Are there any guys out there who have managed to be in successful or satisfying relationships in spite of all your struggles? If so, how did you manage? I do not think my depression will ever go away at this point, and I do not want to end up alone or hurting myself and others even further. Thank you for reading. Dating as a Man with Depression",Depression +7068,"Hello everyone I am sorry for this question but I honestly feel curious on why people get depressed, what caused it, and last but not least why cannot some people treat it?I know it is a bit too rude to ask this but if I never ask I would never learn so again sorry for this post. What caused you to be depressed?",Depression +7069,"I have been in therapy and I feel so much better. it is been a year since the last time I thought about ending my life, I have done so much work and I still have to, but I feel really proud of myself. It gets better, I promise!! I no longer want to kill myself",Suicidal +7070,i do not know why i even had hope that it would get better. Things only get worse and i hate when ppl say it will get better. My mind is telling me to give up everyday I am trying to fight but i do not think i was made for this world. I love my parents and they are very caring but i do not think that is enough reason for me to keep going. I have nothing going for me and i hate myself. I remember when i was a kid and was actually happy with myself but those days are long gone. Now all i can think about is how worthless i am and how i do not belong. I think this might be my last few days here. I hope everyone has a good day and keeps fighting. it does not get better,Suicidal +7071,"After this pandemic is over and i can finally go out, i will overdose myself will sleeping pills. to be honest i do not want to die but I am just too tired to live. the last time i felt true happiness was in the 6th grade i mean my family is ok and they did not do anything wrong but for the past 6 years I have never been truly happy i decided after the pandemic is over I am going to kill myself",Depression +7072,"I feel like a burden to everyone, including myself, in my life, one that no one wants to help. Feeling like a burden",Depression +7073,"I hate myself, I fucking suck. I am the most unstable fucker alive",Depression +7074,"I needed to get this out because I have been bottling up everything for 3 years now.I have felt horrible for the last 3 years now. I am diagnosed with severe social anxiety, Anger issues, ADHD and, autism.3 years ago I got sexually abused for 2 months. I have not ever told anyone about this and still think about it every day.The next year while on vacation I was mad and out of rage I hit a window. This cut into my artery and I almost bled out. I still get flashbacks from this and never fully recovered.Due to covid I failed all my classes because I did not have any motivation and was severely depressed. I just want for it to all be over.It feels like nothing in my life is going well. Every time I am happy because I am with friends I zone out and think about all of the things stated above. I just cannot deal with this anymoresidenote: I am sorry if this is hard to read. English is not my first language and I am very bad at talking about how I feel .",Depression +7075,does anyone have experience with brain damage after a suicide attempt? brain damage,Suicidal +7076,"we are all adults and we are allowed to post what we want, but for some reason I feel like my throat fell into my stomach. I found naked pictures of my best friend on the internet and I just feel numb.",Depression +7077,"Anyone else feel like making friends in your 20s after university is pretty much impossible? I feel like a loser asking to join in with others, like a kid who did not get asked to the party at school Friends",Depression +7078,"First time posting here and feeling a bit ambivalent about doing so as I have never really been active in this community or helped anyone, so feel a bit self indulgent and selfish posting. 30, soon to be 31. I have had an issue with weed since I was 19 (did not accept I had an addiction until 24 but never made any efforts to address it due to my own self loathing and warped mindframe that I ""deserved"" to be nothing more than an addict and waste of space). Cut down hugely but now that my mind is clearer, I cannot stop thinking about how incredibly shit a person I am. Used to have friends in Uni, drifted from a lot of them due to smoking (I would flake on invites to things and smoke myself into a daze. Rinse and repeat). Got together with someone from a local sporting community I was involved in and had tons of friends in it. I let myself believe that these people actually liked me and that my self-loathing was unwarranted. When we broke up, and I very shortly thereafter suffered a catastrophic leg injury (I can walk again now, thankfully), it became very clear a lot of those people much rathered my ex than myself and I lost what I thought were very close friends. No one bar my family visited me in hospital and none of those friends ever reached out to see how I was. It destroyed me for a while but I talked myself into believing I was better off without people like that. It still stung and I basically have never properly returned to social media or to that community due to feeling so shit and hated (it was very clear that some of them really really did not like me, and a lot of rumours were spread by a dick I had rejected from that community after he had propositioned me. I was not around to defend myself due to the injury and I guess people decided they would rather believe his lies than ask me. A further indication of how low they view me.)That was a good few years ago and I still cannot shake the sense of ""betrayal"" and that I am clearly a POS if all of these people decided they wanted nothing to do with me. Out of sight, out of mind.I feel like anyone who is not family that is still in contact with me is doing it as a favour to me, and cannot shake the feeling everyone actually really dislikes me. I hate myself and find social interaction difficult with people because in the back of my mind I am always telling myself that the person hates me or finds me boring/self indulgent/an asshole etc. This has further made me withdraw as I do not want to inconvenience others. I have a good job I feel I do not deserve, which I am struggling with doing at the moment due to how low I am. I do not see the point in anything and find myself thinking that if I killed myself at least work could hire someone competent. I have a loving boyfriend who is incredible and so patient but due to historic sexual abuse, I can be quite nervous with intimacy. I have only ever once really been able to be in the ""here and now"" in the moment with him without my mind dissociating or me recalling the abuse. I have found myself thinking if I killed myself, he could be free to do what he wants and eventually meet someone who is good for him. I have been talking myself out of breaking up with him as I know if I do do that, that is one less obstacle on the path to killing myself. I cannot shake the feeling that I am the worst thing for him and that I am wasting his life when he could be so much happier with someone who deserves him. I have a supportive family. My mum and her partner are great, getting on in life and I find myself getting worried about the 2 of them as they get older and then chastise myself for being kind of ""ageist"". I have a sister, we are not close but we try to be but there is a lot of tension and tbh I do not like her as a person and believe a lot of my self hatred is rooted in some very serious bullying and abuse by her when I was a small kid. I have a brother but he is estranged from the family. We very occasionally check in but it is clear he wishes he was not related to us at times (he has his own mental health issues and I think blames our family for a lot of it.). I have aunts and uncles who are lovely and kind and I love them all very much. But. I feel like if I killed myself it would make everyone is lives so much easier.I can be hard to get on with, and am high strung and have a hearing sensitivity that makes being around loud or shrill noises very difficult. That sadly includes the noises of kids simply having fun and being a bit boisterous. I hate that I get physiological pain just by being around my niece and nephew when they are giddy. I am abnormal and I feel like I bring everyone else down or that they are only nice to me because they feel sorry for me. I cannot stop thinking I am a burden, a waste of space, a nuisance. When I see people I know who are very sick, or people with very serious conditions that impair their quality of life, I feel like an ungrateful POS that I have a working healthy body and yet want to die. I do not deserve my body and keep finding myself wishing there was a way I could trade. I wish that I could give my able body or my natural life expectancy to others. That if I killed myself, the x amount of years I did not live could transfer over to someone else.If I killed myself, my mum and her partner would not have to catch up with me or endure my presence. If I killed myself, my sister would not have to poorly pretend to tolerate me nor pay back a loan I gave her years ago which she keeps dodging. If I killed myself, some of my savings could go to my brother which would hugely help him out. If I killed myself, my extended family would not have to waste any time talking to me at family gatherings and they could actually have some fun. If I killed myself, the majority of my savings would go to my mum and her partner and would help them do some renovations on my mum's house or help her to buy the house of her dreams. If I killed myself, my partner could be free, would not have to mind me, and would also get a whack of my savings which would help him travel the world like he is always dreamed of. If I killed myself, people would not have to be polite to me. If I killed myself, I cease to be a burden (after the funeral has been planned and done). If I killed myself, depending in the means, I could donate my organs and actually do something good with my life for once.I know my mind is clearly twisted right now but I cannot stop thinking that if I honestly just killed myself, everyone else would be so much better off. I am miserable, I constantly try to suppress it or hide it, I feel like people really dislike me or tolerate me and almost all of my friends have drifted away from me. I have no common ground with anyone and my drug addiction wasted so many years where I ultimately have no real hobbies, or interests or personality. I just want to die but know it will hurt my family. Good live from the outside but I just want to press ""off""",Depression +7079,I do not care if anyone reads this or upvotes. I just need to ask why I cannot just be happy? Why cannot I be normal and enjoy things anymore? Why does it have to suck? Why does not anything make it better? Why cannot I be happy for what I know are good things around me and in my life? Why did not I bring my gun today to end this? Why? Sorry. Why?,Depression +7080,"Last year the lack of future hope, and general pointlessness of life finally got to me, the cycle of disaster, recovering from lifes shit, then being thrown another curve ball finally got to me. I made a decision one night, and drunk myself silly and tried to jump off a high rise flat building, but could not get myself over the edge. The police arrested me, got me off the building and took me to a cell. I got let out later that week, I told everyone I was just drunk and it was a mistake... everything they needed to hear to let me go.I decided that day on my way home, to just enjoy one more year of life, ignore any problems as it will not matter in the long run, and hope my life spirals downwards into such a shit hole that the act of actually killing myself will not be as difficult next time around, take the options away from myself.I actually had some good times in this year, met a girl that went well for a good few months(as far as relationships go with people that is a good one for me) tried new hobbies, Got in rather good shape due to taking up boxing, traveled to a few places I wanted to see. it is not been bad, just not sustainable. Today, one year on I am in more dept than I ever have been, I am about to lose my job due to not really being in a fit state to perform at it anymore(and quite frankly, not focusing at all on it because of the plan in the back of my head) I still have 2 friends, but I do not really get on with people full stop. This is what I wanted a year ago, and although I know that, I guess I did not think I would make it this far, and now it is suddenly here. Nothings changed, I still cannot bare the thought of going through life like this any longer. It feels like just living life because that is what is expected. But I still am scared to die.I am well aware that within basically the next 30 days or so everything is going to come crumbling down around me, it is already in motion, I have done a very good job of not leaving myself any outs. And the state I am currently in, I know I will not handle it well enough to see a way to get through any of it. I guess just hoped it would be easier this time to actually pull the trigger as it were, yet it does not feel like it is going to be. I really do not want to carry on with this stuff. But I do have people who love me who will be upset. I do want to die, but I am scared of that moment still. In a way I wish I would just happen to step in the road at get hit by a bus and not have to actually do the act myself.I do not think at this point I will ever be able to do it, but I am unfortunately very good at hurting my life in other ways.I regret not killing myself one year ago. One Year ago today, I found myself locked in a hospital cell for my own protection. Today I have still had enough.",Depression +7081,"Hello RedditI met someone recently on a dating app, and we have been going steady for a week now. We are on different parts of the country and everything has been virtual. I enjoy his company and I think the feeling is mutual. The problem is, there is this growing nagging feeling on the back my head that everything is bound to turn bad. I am already imagining all kinds of break-up scenarios in my head. there is this occasional feeling that he might be growing uninterested as time goes by, and the fact that my brain tends to misinterpret his every word against me is not helping.The feeling is so crippling I do not feel butterflies anymore every time we talk. I feel fear.Will this ever go away? This is my first legitimate date and I would hate to screw this up. He does not know about my depression and I do not plan on telling him so big a skeleton as early as now. How do I possibly deal with this? Thank you for any advice :) Dating with depression",Depression +7082,"I am not sure if I am incredibly mentally unwell but scrolling through gore posts and seeing failed suicides make me incredibly scared that if I fail, I would be horrifically deformed and the pain would get worse. Gore subs and website scare me into not committing suicide.",Suicidal +7083,"I turned 30 this year and I feel like I am having an early mid life crisis.Feel so old, and like my life is in chaos.Lost my job last month, because of on-going medical issues.Lacking motivation to do anything.Feeling hopeless Ageing times",Depression +7084,I cannot do it. I cannot do it. I cannot do it. I want to die and its all they care about,Suicidal +7085,"I am sorry if you are already going through something and that if what I wrote, brought you down or something but I needed to let things go somewhere and this is the best place for this. Please bear with me, it will be a little long.So, here it goes. There comes a time in life when things just go down and down. You pick yourself up, hopeful for things to get better, you try and work but the end results stays the same and more things get burdened up after that. Like, it has been too long, I break down, then get back up hoping things will finally get better every single day and when you keep doing all this for a long time, you start to get tired and lose hope, but the damn things inside your heart and mind makes you think something will get better only for you to get disappointed again.I am dealing with my problems, I want to focus on them but when you have problems of not only yours but also of your closed ones it gets really tough, you get lost and do not know what to do, how you got into this mess and how you can get out of it. I have had depression for as long as I can remember but it did not affected me much, nut the last 5-6 years have been too much. Ever since I become an adult, I realised how much problems I am around, that are not only mine but of others close to me as well. These are one of the few years of my life that I want focus only on my career but this is just so tough. The things, problems, responsibilities, situation, future, all this has become so much for me to handle I am scared about everything now, 2 days I will be okay and ambitious but something will arise and I will be back to square one. This has been the case as long as I remember, everytime I work to change my life, some uncontrollable shit happens, that breaks me. I try to stay positive, I try to not break down. Apart from this, I feel alone, I have never shared my problems, my situation, stuff I go through with anyone. Although, its not like I have not tried, I did but the thing is no one wants to listen and I do not blame them for this either, nobody wants to listen to that. They will post hundreds of stuff about to talk to them, that they will listen and what not but the thing is nobody wants to listen, no matter what they say. Sometimes, I want that one person that I can talk, that one person with whom when I talk, I forget about all these problems and just be with her, you know. Like, one thing I have always been sure about is that I will take care of that special person for the rest of my life, but have been hurt in relationship and stuff so much that I am afraid of all this now, no girl wants to be with a guy like me, I have seen my crush literally with a person who is rude to her, blames her, treats her like shit than to be with me and they have been together for a long time. I mean, I do not know what is wrong with me or what I do not know. I genuinely care for others and wants the best for others, and I do not care that other people do not want the same for me. But have been hurt so much, in friendship, relationship, what not because of which I have developed several trust issues before opening up, I am scared to open up because I did that easily in the past and fuck, they left or betrayed me as usual but still I do not want to hurt or want anything bad to happen to them. I was even bullied at school for sometime, not physically, and thought about quitting school and taking my life. Now that I am writing this every bad, every damn thing are coming back, that I did not wanted to remember. I lost friends at school, they stopped talking which I afterwards got to know that was because someone was saying different different made up things on my name. Almost every single one of my friend, that I had near my house shifted from here and I ended up losing contact with them as well. I spent a lot of time all by myself that I did not even managed to hold friends at college or forgot the way of maintaining relationships. I was told that some.girls were interested in me during college and at school but the scars and the problems never gave me the courage to move forward and build one relationship with someone special. Sometimes, I See other couples and see how supportive the girls are to their boyfriends and what not and I want that, I want that connection, that feeling of love again in my life but I am afraid that I will mess it up and also, I do not want someone else to go through what I am going through because I know how tough it is but still my stupid mind and heart wants that certain someone who will love me and I will love her. I do not even know what to do or want anyone. I am losing hope again.Btw thank you, if you read it. I am grateful, this was just a rant. I hope you are doing great and your problems fade away and only happiness comes in your life. And sorry for this long, I needed to let things out otherwise my mind was going insane. Sorry I have to let some things out",Depression +7086,I tried it a few times but it never worked except for the last time but I got scared and called the ambulance. But now I am sad again and I think about killing myself again.My medication does not help me enough and everyone seems to hate me that is why I cannot find a reason to stay alive. I do not want to live anymore,Suicidal +7087,"All it takes is any small thing to trigger me into suicidal me. Can I please talk to someone, I need a friend. I hate how I go from 100 feeling amazing, to wanting to blow my brains out in seconds",Suicidal +7088,"This has been my life for years now. Just stay alive until the next day, then the day after that, and the day after that. I never get anywhere. Therapy does not work, meds do not work. I have jumped through all the hoops society expects of me to get help. It feels like all the rationales I have used in the past to try and keep going are crumbling. I do not know why I am still here. I am just trying to survive the day",Depression +7089,Have to tie up a few things. Final blow came today. I am done. I survived an attempt over a year ago and since then things have got considerably worse. I cannot manage myself in this world. I cannot do the things other people do. I do not understand the tricks people do to get along. it is not mental illness. it is this place. I hate it. I always did.I love you all. Over and out. Checking out,Suicidal +7090,"Cannot take this domestic bs anymore and do not think it will ever end. did not ask for this crap, and did not ask to be born either. I hope my piece of crap father burns in hell for putting me in this situation which has not been helped by some of my decisions either. cannot wait to end it. Will end it soon now",Suicidal +7091,"This morning I had an appointment with my mental health doctor, along with my social worker. For about 15 minutes we went through the usual conversation about asking how things were with medication, sleep etc.I then decided to be upfront about planning to kill myself after my birthday is done with (3rd of August). They were very shocked by this and asked me why. I just told them that I cannot be bothered anymore and I burst into tears. I cannot remember the last time I cried that much, it was a bit of a relief to let it out.But yeah, needless to say they are really worried about me and they want to try to push psychological therapy to come sooner. They also suggested about putting me on a ward to held keep me safe.I just want to curl up in a ball in a corner and be forgotten about. I think saying I do not want to live is the right way of putting it. Rather that I do not want to exist as I feel non existent anyway so that might as well be made a reality. I broke down for the first time on years this morning.",Depression +7092,"Today I was on guard duty in my base. I went back to my room and recieved a call from my commander, saying that I was spotted going to my room with my cartirage inside my m16. I told him its not true and that I removed the magazine myself. Apparently, you are not allowed to do that and now I am going to be trialled. I am so scared. I do not want to be trialed. I want to go home, I want to finish it right now. I do not know if I should pull the trigger.... I have a gun in my room, I think about it a lot, but I do not know if I should.",Suicidal +7093,"I am sad and I am scaredGuys idk where else to turn to with my feelings right now. I am just so frustrated. I have been in my antidepressants for 6 weeks now and I am not doing okay this past week. Idk if its the circumstances of my life right now or if my medication is not working.. what started this all was me kicking my sister out of my house for disrespect and overstepping boundaries, then basically my mom was supposed to go to rehab so I dedicated 2 days to try and help her get ready.. while I was at her house getting her ready some drama happened and My sister (the one I kicked out) was trying to fight my mom, so I just stepped between them and then my dad comes between me and my sister and yells at me like I was the one instigating. He backed me into a corner almost yelling and cussing at me. He never touched me, but he kept walking towards me so ofc I stepped back. And it just brought back bad memories of my childhood but not a specific one if that makes sense anyway I ended up bringing her to the airport the second day. Well something happened at the airport that was neither of our fault and she said she did not want to go anymore so that upset me and I cried the entire way to her house which was an hour. Then my cat has to have his leg amputated and its going to cost us $1000 or more after everything is said and done with his er visit, preop exam, and surgery My sleep schedule has been messed up and it gets worse everyday. I sleep till 4 in the afternoon and I am ashamed of myself. I feel disgusted by myself honestly. I start school august 18 and part of me feels like I cannot make it bc of the way I am dealing with stress rn. I am over whelmed and now I am discouraged and that makes me feel ever worse. I hope someone can understand what I mean. Its almost like I am sad BECAUSE I am sad in a way. I am in therapy but I did not get to make it to my appointment yesterday because of my sleep schedule and also staying home with my cat. I have no friends and I feel like I annoy everyone so that puts me into antisocial mode. I just want it all to stop. I was doing so good the first 4 weeks of my meds and slowly it got worse and I feel I am right where I was before and I am scared that I am ganna have to be depressed forever bc medication is not working . I am sorry if this sounds dramatic but its literally how I feel. I just feel hopeless, my antidepressants have not seemed to be working this past week AT ALL.. I just wish I had a friend who has been through this to kind of help me bc I am lost.",Suicidal +7094,"I am 31. I was living my perfect life for 7 years. Prior to that I was depressed and felt lost in life. I was engaged to my soulmate, the one person I felt Id spent my life searching for and could not live without. We had a beautiful 4 bed house in need of work which I was working hard on renovating. I was also at university getting a bachelor of science in CGI having realised finally what I wanted to do with my life. I was a whirlwind of happiness and productivity. We were looking forward to when I graduated so we could work more on the house together, get married finally, and start trying for a baby. For the first time in my life I had lasting long-term happiness, it was beautiful. The week I graduated she told me she would fallen out of love with me and there was nothing to be done. I think my absence and stress due to uni had turned me into a burnt out, argumentative, and barely present person over lockdown. She had ownership of the house so I lost that too and had to move back in with my parents. I had so much work still to do to create a showreel and get a job and was kind of looking forward to doing it but now I have lost all passion for my work. Its been 3 months and I still dream about her every night. I lay in bed drifting in and out of consciousness until the afternoon, unable to face another day of rotting away in my parents dark spare room. The amount of daylight I waste in bed means I have to spend more of the worst, loneliest hours of the late night unable to sleep.I do not want to die, I just want my old life back, but that is never going to happen. My existence is utterly intolerable. My life crumbled in a week, I lost everything, I am now a lost soul",Depression +7095,"I hate my thoughts because they are intrusive, depressing, loud, and give me headaches so I listen to music to drown them out, up until recently I was told this was not normal. So my question is what does it mean? Do I have a mental thing or am I just depressed? What does it mean when I have to listen to music to ignore my thoughts?",Depression +7096,"Hey um, I do not like talking to strangers but I feel like I need to do something before it goes too far down the rabbit hole. I am 30 with a 1 yr old and another coming in December been married to 2 yrs (do not know for how much longer though). I write songs to cope( I will post them if you want to read them) but tbh I will not lie I want to throw my hands up so bad..... I am angry with a lot different things. I miss the me before I got corrupted with life and it is experiences. I cannot be an effective father and husband like this. Truthfully ik my family would be better off without me. No more worrying about me. They could focus on themselves. Idek why I am posting this. Maybe crying through reddit. Looking for God through. Hell....idk.... I have been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety disorder by the military and civilian psychiatrists.... Anything to avoid it",Suicidal +7097,"Guys idk where else to turn to with my feelings right now. I am just so frustrated. I have been in my antidepressants for 6 weeks now and I am not doing okay this past week. Idk if its the circumstances of my life right now or if my medication is not working.. basically my mom was supposed to go to rehab so I dedicated 2 days to try and help her get ready and bring her to the airport. Well something happened at the airport that was neither of our fault and she said she did not want to go anymore so that upset me and I cried the entire way to her house which was an hour. Then my cat has to have his leg amputated and its going to cost us $1000 or more after everything is said and done with his er visit, preop exam, and surgery My sleep schedule has been messed up and it gets worse everyday. I sleep till 4 in the afternoon and I am ashamed of myself. I feel disgusted by myself honestly. I start school august 18 and part of me feels like I cannot make it bc of the way I am dealing with stress rn. I am over whelmed and now I am discouraged and that makes me feel ever worse. I hope someone can understand what I mean. Its almost like I am sad BECAUSE I am sad in a way. I am in therapy but I did not get to make it to my appointment yesterday because of my sleep schedule and also staying home with my cat. I have no friends and I feel like I annoy everyone so that puts me into antisocial mode. I just want it all to stop. I was doing so good the first 4 weeks of my meds and slowly it got worse and I feel I am right where I was before and I am scared that I am ganna have to be depressed forever bc medication is not working . I am sorry if this sounds dramatic but its literally how I feel. I feel like trash",Depression +7098,"People are so fickle, each persons reality is only upheld by judgements made on bits of information they get and everything they think they understand can be turned upside down with just one contradictory judgement brought about by another piece of information. Reality is relative and fluid and every experience interpreted determines individual reality. Like, none of it matters. But I still hold onto my kids, I do not want them to ever see the emptiness I do right now. Realities",Depression +7099,"My emotional range lately is sad/annoyed/distracted/self hate. I think I might have to seek medication, this is awful. Just venting. I have lately been the most depressed I have been my entire life. So I thought traveling might make me feel something. I am in Libson Portugal at the moment and it sucks that the most happiness I have felt is the moment when I got an unexpected basil leaf bite of salad.",Depression +7100,"First of I apologise if this is the wrong place to post.. second of tw for self harmFor about 2 years I have been self harming in many different ways including burning, cutting, bruising and (weirdly) letting animals such as ants bite me. it is been getting worse through the years such as cutting more frequently and dangerously. I have ended up in a hospital twice because of severe self harm. My mother or father I cannot remember.. said that if I do not improve somehow they will send me to a mental hospital. Is it the best idea to actually go? Like will it help me or is it a horrible place to go for help? I just need some advice preferably from someone who has been to mental hospital. I just want to know if it is a good idea to go. Thank you. Would going to a mental hospital be a good idea?",Suicidal +7101,"I am okay with dying or living but I will not fight for either. Like if I get a terminal illness, Ill probably just let it be. I cannot imagine myself reaching 30, I expect that somewhere between my college and grad school years, Ill just die of some illness or probably suicide but I do not really want to commit suicide because of my family will blame each other and stuff like that and also my mom, I do not want to put her in a situation like that. I am okay with getting killed through natural causes where no one gets blamed. Right now, I think I am okay with this; nothing really matters anymore or something. Basically I do not have a will to live or a reason to fight for my life should I be in a fatal situation. I know some people feels like this too but idk what this is",Depression +7102,Now I am 28 and wasted too much opportunities. Wasted years not working on my dreams and creative ambitions...,Depression +7103,"Hes the only one I want to talk to. I miss him so much I want to throw up. It is all my fault, I lost everything any chance ever. I am toxic and I hate myself. He loved me different. I broke it all. I want to just see him one last time. I am determined to take my life painless. I used to be so spiritual but considering I have lived a life of a lies, a facade, pretendnow the only thing I can do is drink enough to sleep I lost everything I have no ambition I have no personality I cannot even wash myself. I hope for me that its just black and I just sleep with no thoughts or conscious. OR I can linger on earth and stay close to some people. OR if I can chose an afterlife it will be where I live in our memories. I told him I love you and Ill see you in another life and he blocked me. This is not his fault, its mine. Time goes by so slow. Its been five months and I wallow in self pity. There is no point. I hope he remembers the good and he will have a happy successful life and be treated like he deserves, I would give anything to go backI cannot and there is no forward I miss him",Suicidal +7104,"I cannot operate the way I should in society. I try to fool myself, I suppose. But I cannot be like other people, I have been this way for so long and I cannot see the line between you and me.I am too far gone. I am not even sure I even really want it. Then why am I even trying? I know I cannot hold up this stupid persona you want me to have. I cannot justify just chasing stupid things in my head. I do not care about your money, I do not care about your rules, I just want mine and I want you out of my way. I wish I had the means to retaliate, I really do. Teach people that it is not ok to take, regardless of how powerful you think you are.My therapist says it sounds like a threat. If I had the means, it would not be a threat. It would be inevitable. You force your will on me, steal from me, you pay the price.But as it stands, I have no method to force you to pay. So I just sit and waste away. Why would I want anything to do with your stupid little game? When I would rather blow off your face I do not think I can",Depression +7105,"Iran might cut the internet here, forever, and the country will basically turn into north korea.no chances of escaping and being myself, and free.I will never taste freedom. I will never be myself. go out in a dress, date a cute lady. buy her cute flowers even tho I never liked flowers.so I do not know if anyone will care. but I just need to say this to someone.dying is all I wanted since I was a kid. I do not know how the hell i will figure out an accessible way to kill myself that is painless and cheap.&#x200B;the plan for me so far was to get accepted in college in Canada. but if I even manage to do that before everything goes haywire I probably will not afford it. I will need 30,000$ ready in my account just for the first year. do you realize how insane that is for an Iranian income? I do not know if anyone will care or cares. but I might kill myself soon.",Suicidal +7106,I am about to go out on my bike with a friend. I would rather stay in my room but i promised i will be there. I am about to finally go out today,Depression +7107,I want to kill myself. there is no hope at all Everyday I think,Suicidal +7108,"Hello,I have contact with an user on instagram that at some point explained that is planning to commit suicide. The person already tried it and is planning to do it again.I am not a professional and I do not think I can help as much as possible. Unfortunately the person does not have privacy and cannot call the suicide hotline I recommended (would have consequences if so). I though an organisation or professional could help her through instagram and help. Do somebody have any Idea what can I do or who could I reach?Thanks Help through instagram",Suicidal +7109,"My anhedonia is so bad right now I do not know what I am supposed to do I cannot concentrate on anything I cannot watch videos I cannot research random stuff I have not been able to play games for years I found out today I am seeing a psychiatrist on the 5th of August but I do not know how to survive until then no distractions are working, time feels like it is going by infinitely slow there is nothing I can do please can someone just help I just need to make it until then I just want to kill myself and have it all be over Anhedonia- please someone help",Suicidal +7110,I hate being alive. Every minute of everyday is just filled with pain and anguish. Why must we be forced to stay in a world that some of us do not see any hope or any type of future in? I am honestly at the end of my rope and there is nothing I can do to get myself out of this hole. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up because living is just a nightmare. there is no point,Depression +7111,"I am tired of putting up a fake smile, fake laugh and shit. I think I am depressed, like I have a lot of self-hatred, suicidal thoughts almost everyday. it is so fucking hard to concentrate on studies. My phone is my only escape. I do not know what the fuck to do now. I do not know if I am depressed or am I just acting like and idiot. I do not know what the fuck I am going to do now.",Depression +7112,Where can I get to buy an exit bag and nitrogen cylinder in India?? Is there someway I can get it without contacting the sellers? Exit bag and nitrogen gas in india,Suicidal +7113,"Lockdown has been extended for another four weeks until the end of August for me. It sucks, I miss socialising and trying to enjoy the few things that bring me joy in life. Unfortunately it has to be done and hopefully will not be much longer. Until then I am down/depressed laying in bed all day with nothing to do and just being miserable. Lockdown depression.",Depression +7114,"Today's a bad day. And I mean that kind of bad that I thought I would never experience again. it is so fucking hilarious tbh. it is like life saying 'you thought bitch' straight to my face. Anyways it got me thinking. Ever since I can remember (like 3-5yrs old) I felt like I was not supposed to be here, like I am not a human. I do not really feel things - and I mean it. Whether we talk positive or negative feelings I do not think I have ever truly felt them. I feel nothing. I learned how to act by watching others but never really understood why people would feel e.g. sad, happy or excited. So my life turned into a LARP a long time ago. I have realized that me being happy and wanting to live is just a phase. And those phases always come to an end. And then I realize nothings going to change. And I get kind of scared. because I know no matter what tomorrow, in a month, in 10 years - I will always feel empty and disconnected and it will always haunt me. I am like a broke good that needs to be shipped back to the factory.So, I am 26 now, unemployed, a NEET, have no insurance (that is a new one, to spice things up), have no friends, been faking that everything's alright to my family for 5 years, am broke as fuck (about $1500 in debt), am unhealthy and have an existential crisis when I go to sleep and when I wake up.So, like why should not I? because I really cannot think of a good reason rn. (btw the only reason not to I used to have was the fear of traumatizing my siblings, but that fear is fading more and more) Ok hear me out..",Suicidal +7115,"Hey, so this morning I was focused on doing my life coach training etc and was tagged in a story on fb about another person who is life has been flipped up-side-down since being vex (jabby day).I noticed she had thousands of responses to her story. But, I have had less than 15.This knocked me off the motivation train. As I have been struggling alot with motivation these last few weeks, as I feel tired and just sleep all the time. So given I am not in a good head space, it has left me feeling bumbed out.Guess years of being in the mindset I do not want to be seen, off-grid is paying off. Since, recently decided to get my story out there, to connect with other people who have gone through similar situation. To not feel so alone and isolated.Do you get this?? Does anyone understand?? Motivation Train",Depression +7116,"I am 23 and I could not even get a job at McD because the manager told me they only wanted permanent staff members, not a temporary one. I am so pissed off because they could have specified that bit on the web page at least instead of the whole part-time and full-time thing. I prepped so hard for 3 days and even answered the interview questions like a breeze and it all came down to the ""Are you looking to be a permanent member here?"". I am probably a dumbass for not even seeing this coming, but holy crap I am depressed as hell. Please, pardon me for venting I am sorry I am just stressed out right now, I am tired of feeling like a dissapointment to everything. there is probably some other bloke having it worse right now and maybe I do not deserve feeling like this. I am unemployed and an engineering degree is not doing me anything right now because of all the smarter people having better coping mechanisms than I did, not even a 2:1 can save my skinny ass (all these First class degrees coming up faster than Covid). I cannot even get a job to save me out of a hole because of that one question. Fuck it, I cannot even busk with my acoustic guitar because there is way too many professional and good ""quirky"" artists in the streets.I want to die so bad right now, I hate having to be a fucking Asian with expectations of being something in this world. do not get me started on student loans and family relatives speaking out loud how you went overseas and not even getting any source of income. it is not ones fault, I get that. But I do not know how long I have it in me to just keep trying. I am just tired. I am just so tired of realizing you are so close to something and fucking it up over and over and over again. Sorry Mel, Jay, Mom, Dad, I do not know what to do anymore. No ones going to read this post, just like how I am just going to be passing by in this place. I cannot keep up anymore. it is too tough for me, and I am being like a bitch right now but fuck it. At least, if its over, it would not hurt anymore. I am sorry, I am so sorry for messing up and being like this. do not be like me. Please. I feel like I triggered my own mental state for not even handling this situation well. I am just so tired. I cannot even get a McD job because of one interview question",Suicidal +7117,"I have not felt good in such a long time. Sometimes i feel sad and sometimes just nothing, just numb. What should i do? How can i regain my will to live?",Depression +7118,"Anyone have any experience of spirituality? I feel I have had a spiritual awakening experience over tbe past year which had started off being incredibly peaceful but now I am in emotional agony. It feels like I am dying slowly, and I have been having intense suicidal thoughts. Anyone have any advice? Thanks Spirituality?",Suicidal +7119,"I am over life. I hate it all. I have no energy and I do not want to live anymore. I do not give a FUCK about anything. I have not worked in three weeks, I am losing so much money but what does it matter? NOthiNG MATTERS somebody please take my pain away.",Suicidal +7120,"Both excited and discouraged to go back to therapy. My episodes of being super depressed and constant worrying has gotten super bad again. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting the therapists time for going, as I keep having the same problems I always have, but hopefully this time will help more? Wish me luck Reddit. Just scheduled a therapy session for the first time in months",Depression +7121,"I have had more downs in my life than ups to be honest but the main core of this situation was and still is because of my parents' we were taught to respect them and love them because they were the ones who raised us and ""put a shelter over ours heads"". For me these last two years were absolute hell and it was not because of the pandemic but there are several reasons like:1. I am pretty smart and got into med university by the age of 17 and because of the amount of stress and trauma I had to deal with I failed2. After failing my parents gave me a second chance to reenter the university and I took it but I was so unhappy that I chose not to do it and went against my parents simply because I was severely depressed and hospitalized due to psychological pains like constant chest pains and I could not breathe3. My parents were not supportive of me. They were supportive when they where showing off to their peers or friends and my dad told me "" You are nothing but a disappointment and you embarrass us wherever we go"" I was highly discouraged4. I still get yelled at and pretty much am verbally insulted and was told I cannot do shit in life because I am a complete failure. I really hated when my dad used to tell me ""You are going to be a doctor so you should know this"". The only thing I know, is that I really really hate you and this hate adds up even more daily.5. I have this new opportunity where I technically can go to another country and go to university there and my parents will not be able to come. I feel so restrained and so closed in like in a box and I suffocate so I feel like I should say fuck you to my parents and leave but I do not know how well I can deal with myself there too6. Technically they killed all my dreams, what I could have became and they took my dreams and crushed it and are the MOST negative people I have ever seen in my life and I do not even want to look at them. I know it is unethical to hate your parents but do not blame the ones they do because some parents clearly suck and I even told them "" You should have never became parents"" or ""I wish I was never born I did not ask to you to be my parents""My parents makes me want to kill myself and have suicidal thoughts and I cannot take it anymore. They do not know how to communicate at all and they have zero empathy and funnily enough my parents hate each other and themselves as well; weird how they have to reflect that on me too. I was an innocent kid with big dreams. I was not born to be insulted like this, they are the fakest people I have ever met too. Acting like they care about me in front of others all the fake hugs and such and ask me why I do not ever let them to hug me; it is because I hate you and I do not want to see you. I do not know what to do anymore...should I leave to another country and do not see them again? It seems pretty huge but I cannot deal with this kind of toxicity anymore.. It feels like it keeps getting worse",Depression +7122,I did not fricking ask to be born but yet I have no choice but to live in a society that forces all its goddamn expectations on me as if they still get to fucking control my life to contribute to the community like just fuck that shit you do not give me a choice except to live with those accusations every time I fail to meet your useless expectations I am just sick of it all Expectations are bullshit,Depression +7123,I can tell my SO is getting fed up with my crying and mood swings. I feel like such a burden.Why am I even posting this? I do not know what to do,Depression +7124,"They continuously put me on a treatment authority and bombard me with phonecalls, letter and surprise visits and then when I do not want to interact with them they take me off the TA and tell me I am getting discharged from community care because I am not participating and they do not think they are helping me. Guess what you stupid motherfuckers? You NEVER helped me and in your care you managed to do everything to make me dislike and fear you and now you spit me out on the other side after 7 years of shitty treatment and I have come out WORSE THAN I WAS BEFORE. so fuck you. The only good thing you did for me was to give me the clarity to realise that I will never get better. So I guess I am going to take this into my own hands and I know for sure my treatment is going to end all my problems permanently. Australian mental health is a joke :)",Suicidal +7125,"I have always been very introverted, but had pockets of close friends growing up. My problem is that I am bad at maintaining friendships and now I have zero friends. I am close to my spouse and kids, but that is it. I do not have social media accounts, I do not text people, and now that I am working from home every day I barely interact with anyone from work other than emails and the occasional phone call. For the last 6 months I have very little job motivation and have started to eat unhealthily, putting on some weight. Feeling completely isolated from society, I have started to not care about COVID, what is happening in the world, and so forth. I still enjoy my solo hobbies though, mostly gaming and watching TV. I only leave the house a few times a week for some exercise in the park, or for a swim with my son. I do not particularly feel lonely, and have zero motivation to go out and make friends or join social activities. I never thought I could be depressed, because outside of working hours I am quite contented. I joke around with my family, I enjoy my gaming and so on. COVID has not affected me that much since I was a homebody before this all went down. But the lack of job motivation, complete social isolation, and inability to focus makes me wonder if I am in mild depression. I think I might be in the early stages",Depression +7126,"So here goes. Posting online because I do not want to talk to anyone around me. I have struggled with depression and eating disorder since my teen years. I thought I beat it,that I was done with it all. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with ibs. Its been going up and down but lately (I assume because of the heat) my ibs has been horrible. I have to be so careful with what I eat. Otherwise it sets my stomach of. And slowly slowly,my ed started again. Its a sneaky fucking demon. Its like someone whispers in my ear: are you sure you need to eat that,have you seen how much weight you have been loosing,have you noticed that your bones are showing more and more? Keep this up and soon you will be perfect. And with that comes my other friend. Depression. I do not want to get up in the morning,I do not want to see people,they exhaust me,they make me angry and annoyed. I do not want to do anything. And those horrible thoughts of ending myself. I just want to die. If I could just leave this world and sleep forever. The only thing holding me above the surface are my kids. How much I love them. How I could never do that to them. I could never leave them with that pain. Only reason I posted here is because I needed to get it out one way or another. I am not looking for pity or help. Hopefully I will bounce back soon. Is just hard when you thought all of this was in the past. And here comes the demons with their lies and horrible grins",Depression +7127,"Distress lines are shit. I mean its out of best intentions so its fine.I always feel despair when I desire a quick and least painful method. But I do not have a gun with me and I believe that is the way to go for the method.I have been planning to do it on my birthday. But an argument with a friend last night made me feel more suicidal. The way he said stuff against me, forced me to say things in favor of him.He tells me stop playing the victim and thinks my suicide is a way to display my ego.I want to end my life since I feel ugly, unwanted, worthless, and insignificant. I have attachment issues too and i constantly feel alone.I do not want my suicide to show myself off as a superior being. He thinks its to display moral superiority which I have no clue what that is. I never saw him as inferior, I saw him as a trusted friend. I have no one talk to right now when I am thinking about suicide",Suicidal +7128,I am just here right now because I do not want to be alone. I am alone. And I am so tired of hurting. I cannot do this. Alone,Depression +7129,"I am just tired. There are a few external things that have just zapped my energy over the last few months and self care has gone out the window just trying to show up everyday. If it matters I am female and my hair is down mid back. I have no attachment to it though. And the thing is I really do not care about my hair- I am just dreading the endless questions and quasi concern for the next few months. And upset because it is another sign that I am farther in the shit than I have acknowledged. it will grow back, right? I am thinking of telling everyone I set my hair on fire? Or maybe a freak lawnmower/vacuum accident? Possibly touring a lollipop factory when there was a flood and they all fell down in my hair? Aliens. I donno. I cannot move on without dealing with it. The way to deal with it is to shave it. I just have to do it, right? Everything else can fuck off, right? I am probably going to have to shave my head because of depression knots.",Depression +7130,"Do you ever overtake you meds a little hoping it will accidentally end you. Like not a true attempt by taking the whole bottle, but maybe like a handful? Then hoping that it might accidentally take care of things? Idk if this makes sense",Suicidal +7131,"what is the point of studying,working or having a relationship if i know exactly what the outcome is going to be.Which is not happiness in my case. For some people, it is easy to say "" Be yourself "" but they also has a list of expectations of my future that even i do not really care about. How is that fair? If you are a parent and you are reading this , please do not force your expectations/ dreams on your children just because you had a miserable life because you had kids. it is not the kids fault to be born in a world surrounded by expectations. I feel like nothing really matters in life anymore",Depression +7132,"I have had a really rough time recently, my university experience ended I am and struggling with my time away from the friends I love from Uni. As well as this a few other things have just been going wrong with life that is been making it a bit hard.I have found that I just have zero motivation to do literally anything, I used to be very extroverted and a people person but I just want to be alone and not speak, I used to be a real foodie and love to cook, but I have barely eaten in a week, or slept for that matter.I am trying to arrange an appointment with my gp but I would really appreciate some help. I do not have much experience with self help, I just want to feel better and be me again. What can i do to help myself? How do I (m21) start feeling like myself again",Depression +7133,"hello! I am new here, but I have always lurked whenever the ideation sets in the back of my mind and does not let up.i have never gone to a therapist, mostly because i am studying in the same medical field so to speak, and i am scared I would bump into someone i know and spill out why I am there. although we are taught to never judge patients because it is just common courtesy... it feels like it is innate for us to judge, y'know? therapists are people too. we look at people everyday and form this prejudice we have in our heads. i, too, have judged a lot of people before. even those who open up to me like i am doing here now. I am scared that I will be judged by my peers. of older people who would not even dare to listen and understand. because i know, even if they do not tell me. they will think of me as this weak-ass, ungrateful low-life.it is not normal to talk about mental health from where i am, after all.I have never once tried to self-diagnose myself, as i think i cannot look objectively at my own situation. I am aware that what I am doing is self-destructive, that loathing and ruminating all day long preoccupies me when I am supposed to be doing work. work that i do not want to do anymore. work that i want to quit forever.i feel miserable. i have for years now. being in a competitive environment (medical school) that i did not feel strongly about, that i did not feel like i wanted in the first place was soul-crushing at worst, and numbing at best. I have thought of killing myself thousands of times: of jumping from a five-story building, overdosing on ferrous sulfate pills, hanging myself, suffocating myself. sadly, like many things in my life, i never did succeed in doing any one of them. i never even attempted them. it seems that I am scared of the pain it will cost me, of how it will feel. of the possibility that I will survive to live another day with my family knowing that i tried doing it to myself. of the judgement they will give me.in conclusion, i care too much about what others think. of what they will feel. at the expense of myself. and i guess i will be stuck in this limbo indefinitely until i get better. if that time ever comes. thank you for reading. hey, you! hoping that you are just okay. i am in limbo.",Suicidal +7134,"Everything that makes life supposedly great is not available to me. I could never get a girl and could never end up making friends despite me trying and I have never had money and no one hires me despite me applying to places for over a year! Life is so unfair No girlfriend, No friends, No money",Depression +7135,"I am just tired of being like this. lately i cannot quit thinking about how disappointed in myself i am about where I am at in life. none of my friendships or family relationships make me feel good anymore and i feel unfixable. i cannot put the energy into being close to anybody anymore and i barely know who i am. i just never feel loved or known lately but i know it is my own fault. i barely talk to anybody anymore and even though it hurts a lot i find myself too terrified to change.reading about the pandemic has me feeling so hopeless, the past year+ had some of the deepest depressions I have ever experienced and i stopped dreaming of anything i wanted to do, completely. even though I am trying i cannot usually think of anything i even want anymore.I have been depressed since childhood and its weighing so much on me lately to think about the life i could have had, or to wonder if I have even tried hard enough to help myself. I am just so tired and i wish everything was different tired of everything vent",Depression +7136,"I do not remember what a hug feels like anymore. Everyone I know would benefit from it and you would just be doing them a service. Please just do everyone in my life a favour and take out the trash. I cannot keep going anymore it hurts so much and I cannot even let myself cry about because I know I will break, because I know the only people who will hear it are the people who will tell me to be quiet and stop bothering them. Please just kill me",Depression +7137,"it is NONE. As in Not essential, Overly lethargic, Never ending, Emptiness (NONE) When someone ask my personality type",Depression +7138,"It sucks.I had been suspicious that they would already excluded me when on social media I saw them as a group talking about inside jokes and life updates that everyone but me knew. And in a recent post, someone confirmed that they have a new group chat.I have been under the worst depressive period ever, after doing so well in 2019, and because I was not ready to socialize and talk about mundane things with them or joke around with them, I told them I will just be with myself for a while. They were initially understanding, and then as time went on I just noticed the group chat became inactive.These are the same people who made fun of me behind my back all because I privately chided one of them (my closest friend) for being so carelessly ignorant about Covid. For context, vaccination rollout in my country is slow, transmission is highhe is living with a senior who in the past tested positive; and his sister tested positive for Covid twice too (she works in the hospital). So as a concerned friend I would tell him not to go out unless it is essentialand since we have a super close bond I did not really think about me being overbearing; we have been friends for almost 20yrs and this is how we are to each other.Once during a call, he let it slip that on one of his numerous dinners out he, being the jokester that he was, made fun of me with my friends for acting like his mom. And that hurt me because it was a private matter, and now he has painted me as this kill-joy, paranoid person. And that gutted me.it is one of the reasons I started to feel distant from that group, and when they started to be cold after I told them how I would been struggling with my mental health, that settled it.I am sorry for ranting. But I feel absolutely alone. They were my closest circle of friends, top tier. And then I am shunned just because I am no longer fun to be around with.It feels like we are all in high school again when I would feel anxious or depressed, and they would choose to hang out with our other classmates who are louder, extroverted, and down to play whenever.Depression sucks. But having friends like that sucks harder. My friends made a new group chat where I am excluded ever since I told them (in the original GC) that I might not be able to interact much because I am having a depressive period.",Depression +7139,It was not a choiceTo be born like thisTo need someone to take care of your needsIt was not a choice To can only see it in your dreamsBut why does it hurtWhen it was not in your hand?No need to feel miserableWhen you were not able To choose to live in liberWhen you put your head on that pillowYou do not have to feel guilty now Why?,Suicidal +7140,Life is meaningless and I have wasted my life away because I cannot fuxking focus or find passion for anything. xd. Anyone have experience with doing a tech cleanse or something Why am I perma online?,Suicidal +7141,"I have horrible sleep problems so the times that I am up there is no one to talk to, all I can do is watch videos all night. Its always at night that I feel miserable, hopeless, and alone. Nights are the worst",Depression +7142,I struggle to focus and am have been addicted to weed since my early teens. I think about killing myself constantly although I know I cannot do this. I am pursuing a rigorous major that is extremely competitive out of school and I am terrified that I will just retreat into this hole. Everyone expects me to succeed but I am disheartened by idea of the busy life ahead. I hate myself and I am scared for the future.,Depression +7143,"I recently found this subreddit and a lot of these posts are so relatable. there is so much things I can talk about.My friends distanced away from me due to my constant talks about it.I feel despair when I want to but I cannot. I cannot because I am unsure about the method. I want the method to be painless.I cannot since Id hurt my family. I want to end my life this winter, but a friend starts bashing me. Calling me to stop playing the victim and associates my suicide as an act of displaying ego. This happened last night, and in a few hours, I wanted to end my life and call 911. I chose not to call them since idk if mine was serious enough. I just really wanted to end my life but I did not have any tools to do so. I did not call since I work everyday and I do not want to lose this job. Its so hard to get hired nowadays. I hate not able to sleep at night. My friends are not equipped to listen or comfort me. I do not have access to therapy. I plan to go to therapy once I start school again. College student btw. I hate feeling alone and worthless. Laying there while I am too afraid to kill myself Unsure about the method and other things (long writing warning)",Suicidal +7144,"I have been overthinking for weeks now and its killing me. Today, i feel so dead. I cannot stand these thoughts anymore I want to end it. Its so hard to breathe. Please someone tell me what to do I do not know how long ill last",Suicidal +7145,"reccently i read over some messages between me and a previously close friend from a few years ago. during the messages i was going through a depressive episode and we were talking about it together. however, the messages i sent were kind of toxic and i was being very unfair. she was trying to help me and i would reply with k or refuse to say what is wrong because it does not matter. i would also send worrying messages and then not reply for long periods of time, which would make them very anxious. i do not want to be the person i was in those messages, normally i would consider myself to be a kind and friendly person, and id like to think that I have somewhat improved in the last few years, but I have been noticing that during depressive episodes i have a tendency to regress to this blunt and rude way of speaking to people. i know that depression means you cannot feel as much for the other person, and it definitely makes you feel like no one else cares, but i do not want to use it as an excuse and continue to treat my friends badly. a lot of the time i do not even realise I am being like this until afterwards, but I am appalled by how I have acted. i would appreciate if anyone has any tips to get themselves out of the nobody cares about me attitude, or any similar experiences.many thanks my depression makes me into someone i do not like",Depression +7146,"Found myself literally reading how to cut my femoral, and in a state that I am shaking and feeling physically ill from the thoughts, had them before but never this strong. How do you get yourself out of that phase of kind? When everything that can go wrong does, and you actually cannot think of a single reason not to...",Depression +7147,"I have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for years and have been cut off from treatment since the start of the pandemic. Recently I booked myself an online psychiatrist and therapist, since I do not want to risk going to a clinic. But every service has been fully booked until the next month. In the meanwhile I have been doing alternative options such as peer support and using mental health apps. While these do help me sometimes, I cannot handle my other symptoms without a professional healthcare provider and my medication. I have tried the suicide hotlines but none of them pick up anyway. I feel hopeless as I wait for my next session and I am not sure if I can make it till then. I cannot get help even if I wanted to.",Suicidal +7148,"Okay, if we forget the stupidity of this question, which method of suicide is the most painless S",Suicidal +7149,"2 years ago I was at least semi-happy playing one of my favourite games, but now the game went to shit and I do not have anything else. Wish I could just go backIm also scared about failing college, I do not feel ready for the real world at all yet. Nothing makes me happy anymore",Depression +7150,"I have been under a strict lockdown in my country for a good 3 months now and in that time, I have done absolutely nothing but rot and waste time on my phone. my days are starting to blur into each other and i could not even tell you what i did yesterday or the day before that. i have all these depressive thoughts and I am rendered helpless by them. i want to feel like i have a purpose, i guess that will happens when my next year of uni starts in sept but that cannot be the only thing to give me purpose. how do i find the motivation to do anything productive to give my life meaning, let alone get out of bed? i feel like the life I am living now is not worth living",Depression +7151,After breaking up with my partner I realized I have no friends but that did not bother me till recently. I am lonely but too scaree to get close to people. My anxiety gets really bad when I talk about myself so it is hard to open up... I am finally on meds and waiting for them to take effect I am just so tired I do not want to work and I do not want to see my family but as someone who lives in middle east I have no right to live alone without marriage so I have to stick to my toxic home environment...I feel like I am too unstable for friendships and yet I want it. I want someone local who I can share my thoughts to and be able to go out but I keep finding excuses not to get close to anyone and at the same time I have no idea where I should be looking. Why do I have to do things? Why is it so hard to just live day to day routines? I feel so pathetic and stupid I am lonely and exhausted,Depression +7152,Anyone else feel like their dog is the reason for living? Knowing something else in this world needs me and is always happy in my presence gives me reason to get up. Dog saved my life,Depression +7153,"I am someone who has older parents than most people, my Dad is 44 years older than me and my Mum is 40 years older than me, I am in my mid teens.They have had heated arguments years ago, and they used to happen very occasionally. If they were a few years younger they would have got divorced, I am sure of it. There is no doubt in my mind that they do not love each other, or at least not anymore. Over really simple things they just yell at each other constantly, and recently its happened for four days straight, very long arguments.I absolutely hate it. It makes me cry away to my room and shut the door tight and put on headphones so I do not hear a word of what they are saying. I want nothing more than for them to stay together and not spilt up, for the sake of the family. If they divorce I do not know what side to take, but I know them well enough to tell that they will make me choose one.I am well aware that divorced parents is a very common thing. I always thought as a kid that there was no way your parents could ever not like each other, but clearly I was far from right. I recently have felt the urge to step in myself and just tell them both to shut up and get along, and have even considered buying flowers for my Mum and telling her it was my Dad so that they would hopefully calm down or something. It sucks, it really does. I just want them to like each other again. Hearing your parents fights everyday is just the worst.",Depression +7154,"So I am a mess, a shitstorm of you will. I am in my early-mid 40s, single, no kids, trapped where I am, drinking problem, sporadically employed, deeply depressed and a glutton for taking on other people's shit. Not a cuckold (because that would take effort into actually starting/having a relationship) but not some bullshit Alpha, just someone who does not see the fucking point of dragging anyone into my bullshit. Get the picture? I have had about 14 beers (are still going) writing this, probably the only reason for my honesty.I am living back in my father's house (explains the dryspell) having failed as a trucker and (most recently and twice over) an Amazon employee, my manager at Amazon killed my transfer to the trucking dept without a word to me and while I was ""SUPPOSED* to be covered by their ""blue vest"" rookie rules (which are bullshit as are their ""sign on bonuses"") and the job that I left for (JB Hunt) died on the vine too. there is a woman who I ""was"" involved with years ago that I still have STRONG feelings for, but I have no idea how to voice any of it. Would probably be worse if she in any way felt the same.I have been having suicidal thoughts and impulses for longer than I would admit, thinking of more than a few ways of getting it done. Pills, a nose, driving of a bridge, I have put too much thought into it.I am seeing myself as beyond any help at this point, I am mainly wiring any of this just to get it out.Probably too much text for even Reddit at this point, damn sure Twitter or probably facebook. My damage",Suicidal +7155,"I am facing \~5 years in prison. In January I lost my mother to Covid, someone I was extremely close to. I went through hell the following weeks. I did not care if I survived. i made a LOT of mistakes in this time. Heavy drinking and overmedication. One mistake landed me in very high water with the police (Kicking an officer, using an air pistol, I genuinly had given up at this point, I was sick of MH calls sending terrifying battle clad police officers (I have serious anxiety and panic disorder)my charges arrived yesterday. Spoke to legal advice, my solicitor, UK a helplines and more. Charges are serious, will require multiple magistrate and crown court dates (I attended on magistrate court once, that cage they put you in gave me an instant fucking panic attack), solicitors and a barrister (wtf that is, it looks like a solicitor that costs more). They could only go by guidelines but at BEST its around 3 to 6 years insidetldrm; I am fucked. I barely have the money for the first solicitor let alone the barrister (even with legal aid). I am a trans woman, who spent their teenage life being heavily bullied to the point of PTSD (hence the police banging on windows and yelling throws me directly into a panic attack) and prison is terrifying I have exhausted options. I either run (which is dumb), go to prison after subjecting myself to court anxiety nightmares again, or I leave By my own means.&#x200B;the latter is the preferable choice. After going over every possible scenario, its the logical choice At wits end. Facing prison. Ending it is logical",Suicidal +7156,Losing my shit over not knowing where to put some cuts in a way that no one will see it or that i will not have to worry about not being able to wear an outfit because it might bleed through it I am freaking out i need release,Depression +7157,I just want to give them a gun and tell them to shoot me until I am dead. I do not have the balls to do it myself and its the least I can do to atone for what I did. I want the people I have wronged to kill me,Depression +7158,"I am sobbing while I write this post. I do not think I am in extremely imminent danger so I am probably not a super high priority, but if even one person could help that would mean the world to me. I never thought I would have to post on a subreddit like this. But I have had suicidal thoughts on and off for years, and it keeps threatening to culminate. Tonight has been one of the worst nights. I will try and keep my reasons quick, as I do not know if I even deserve to complain. I was born into a fairly okay situation, middle class, mostly okay family, things like that, so why am I sad? Well, I have lots of mental health issues that at least noticeably impact my ""normal"" human function, and on top of that some of my family often calls me useless because of the way they affect me. I am already in my mid 20s with a niche associate's degree my only accomplishment, I cannot find work to even be like, a cashier or something, I still live at home. No one wants me, not a job, not certain family, including my mom and sister who are the ones to call me useless. To top it all off, my dog is one of the only things that keeps me in it all the time, and now those two are threatening to get rid of her because I am almost out of money, and they think I will not be able to care for her anymore, when I would do anything to care for her, no matter how I have to get money. I need her. I have a very small bit saved up and it is all going to her while I still look for work. So tonight I picked up a knife, thought about how to do it, and... I just cannot seem to follow through. what is wrong with me? I cannot even end it right. So why am I posting at all? Because the thoughts have gotten stronger and stronger over the years, a combo of an anti depressant and therapy is not helping enough, and I feel like something is about to push me over the edge. Losing my dog I am sure would. I need help, please... I just cannot do it...",Suicidal +7159,"I am a 27m, Pansexual, and Autistic. Growing up, I was bullied alot, but I can recall having happy moments, even happy moments with my mother, but as I grew, my mother and I started to become more argumentative and hostile, and drastically effected my mental standing. Everyday was mental struggle to find happiness, and I would always retreat to my room with my video games and anime, and it helped me ignore it, but then came the Dark Day, an argument so drastic, that I had to kick myself out, to my wife's (girlfriend then) house. For awhile, I felt great! My mother's hostility felt like the Moon from Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, and leaving finally made it disappear. Come Present day, my anxiety had risen, things are harder to enjoy, and negative thoughts ruminate to the point where I cannot have a day with out hearing my mother's voice or imagining terrible scenarios around my screw-ups and it is affecting my relationship with my wife (who battles against depression, and is possibly autistic). I feeling like I am losing the war for my mind, and thoughts of running away to not bother anyone ever again CONSTANTLY creep up. This has spiraled into beast that just will not die. I do not know what to do, and I have come here as a start, because idea how to ask for help, and have actively avoided looking for help because I am too ashamed The Root of a Losing War",Depression +7160,"So I only have one sister, and growing up I have seen how different we are raised. As the eldest I am expected to learn all the household stuff, do them quietly and perfectly. But when my sister was at the age where she should have learned and done the stuff I did my mother never forced her to do any stuff (it is the culture but really? how fair is that?) Mom would also guilt trip me whenever I refused to do my sister's homework or project.I spotted a lot of difference as we grow older. Whenever their is conflict between me and my sister, no matter whose fault it was, they will side with her. Sometimes my father would just stay quiet because mom would get mad at him. that is why right now my sister thinks that she has the authority over me especially if I would defend or in their term ""retaliate"" to my parents. I am just tired with how things are at home.Just recently my sister and I fought, I am partly at fault because of my temper and I am just tired of them not remembering any of my preferences (they forget even the smallest thing about me.) I knew I am at fault too but for her to use the stuff that I fought over with my bf (she overheard it) during our fight is below the belt. so I told her that she has no right to use that against me. She burts out and threw things at me. She also tried to charged at me only to be held back by my mom. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not even have a safe space at home. I want to leave the house but if I did I can no longer supply their needs. because I have my own bills and needs to pay for... Eldest of two",Suicidal +7161,"I think some people are bound to suicide, for example me. I am not good at anything nor i have special talent. When I am thinking about working for the rest of my live j feel overwhelmed and suicidal. All of my hobbies no longer exist, currently I am not even playing Computer games, I am just surfing and watching meaningless videos because that way time flies faster and i can move to another day. Some people are bound to suicide",Suicidal +7162,"Small context: To anyone who is curious I am 16 years old 1. It feels hard to express my opinion on the internet because every time I do I always get bashed for it. I am starting to doubt myself, am I the problem? What is it that I say that turns people against me? I swear I try my best to stay respectful and not offend anyone.. I swear their words get to me easily2. I hate my body and my looks so much. Literally every girl I see on the internet looks prettier than me. I see a lot of girls on the internet who do not look like they alter their photos but idk if they do.. nonetheless it makes me feel terrible to be this ugly. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror for longer than 5 seconds.. I do not even want to leave the house anymore because I hate how I look. I am considering getting surgery to fix my face but at the same time I am too scared to do it3. I feel like an idiot for being slow and not understanding many things I see. I want to be a part of the conversation but I am too afraid to ask because I might get bullied for not understanding something. 4. I suffer from a lot of health issues and most of my health problems are on my skin which makes me insecureAll of these reasons are taking a toll on me, ik my problems might not sound as bad as other problems which makes me feel bad about myself, I feel like a spoiled brat complaining about problems that might sound unrealistic, I am sorry if it sounds that way I am trying to be a better person and get over things because I am told to just get over it so I am trying but its hard At this point, the suicidal thoughts are carved into my head, they just will not go away, it feels like I could escape them for a short time if I harm myself maybe I keep having suicidal thoughts all day everyday for multiple reasons",Suicidal +7163,"I think I have been depressed for a little over 5 years now, and as I am returning to the world due to COVID winding down in my area, I am starting to see how the isolation and negative thoughts are affecting me physically and emotionally. I finally went to get my drivers license a little less than a month ago, and on the way to take the road test I just started feeling awful, like I the weight of the world was bearing down on me, slowly crushing me. I felt my limbs go numb and the urge to vomit was creeping in along with tears beginning to cloud the edges of my vision. I have never felt as out of control of my body as I did that day it was definitely a first for me. I have never had a good outlet for all the feelings I suppress, and its awful to feel that you cannot trust those closest to you; I love my parents deeply, but I cannot trust them with the truth and it would only make them worry. Oddly I have found that self flagellation helps calm my mind, I get no pleasure from it, and I do not beat myself bloody, but pain helps me focus and take my mind away from darker trains of thought. I am going to be applying for a job in a few days and that is what is currently the main source of stress in my life right now. If I land the job it will mean moving away to pursue the work, but on the other hand I think getting away from my family and having my own space will ultimately do me some good in the long haul. I cannot fail afford to fail here, I need to keep moving forward.I do not really want to die, I just want the pain to stop. Crossroads",Depression +7164,"not going to kms, just take a break for a while. stay safe, ily <3 bye",Suicidal +7165,"just finnished highschooli've been suicidal for about 7 years now I have had a girfriend for about 5 years and she is the only reason i have not ended my life yetmy family is toxic and garbage and is the biggest reason for my depression and thoughtsi feel like i do not deserve her and i know that i cannot give her the life and happynessshe deserves . I am pretty sure my job is going to be a min wage one even tho i am trying to become a webdev rn.her love has ballanced the hate i get from my family but I am starting to loose the fight , they do not give me any rest , I am home and I am basically their slave 24/7 (they are also always home ) i am tired.i do not want to do it but it is so tempting , its the only thing that is been on my mind for a long timei feel empty , i feel tired , my head has been hurting 24/7 for 3 years now , i am stressedany advice on getting me through it? (sorry for grammar mistakes) I am loosing the fight",Suicidal +7166,I am pethicic for a 25 year old. All I know how to do in this world is play video games and watch tv.,Depression +7167,"I am just so done, honestly. The last two years have been shit, I was forced out of a job, suffered horrendously from bullying from my past two employers, have been in therapy from it, worked up the courage to get another job, my role was cut by 30 hours a week and have been looking for work ever since, I am so broke. I have been doing a course that has been extended by a year due to COVID, lockdown after lockdown. I live at home, I am not in a relationship, I feel like a fucking loser. I have lost friendships, made a friend who tried to make it more than friendship which was not what I wanted. I cannot go on vacation, I just need a break.Today was the last straw, I applied for two jobs weeks ago. I got one of them, then they never replied for 6 weeks. I finally got a reply, they told me they never recieved anything and blamed the mess on me (I know the emails went through because they replied to me on that email address).I also applied for another job, one I actually wanted. A job I was so excited for, a feeling I have not felt in a long time. I was told I would be a great canidate, I would work well with them. Today I got a rejection email before I was even interviewed. I am so upset and angry. do not comment 'It will get better' or 'it will work out in the end'. I am over that, that does not help me now. I am so angry and have no idea what I am going to do in life. &#x200B;TLDR I have no idea what I am doing in life, I am sad, angry and feel completely hopeless and depressed Why does everything always have to suck?",Depression +7168,"I feel awful right now, and almost every night. I cannot go to bed anymore without realizing how much no one loves me, or how much I hate college! Its only worse that I have been thinking a little more about the idea of suicide. I swear, I am considering it after graduation. One day, I am feeling great, the next day just okay. Right now, I feel like absolute shit",Depression +7169,"I could write and essay on why. This is the tip of the iceberg.Also, I probably want you to validate my thoughts or behaviors which is shitty.there is this girl I tell I love. Its a long story but I feel like she is lied to me. I feel like she played with my feelings.Well, I still tell her I love her and I want to be with her so badly.But honestly idk if I like her as a person.She used to be abused and today when I was thinking about everything and blaming her for hurting me in my mind I thought about telling her I understood why her ex abused her. Out of anger imagined myself telling her that and then I thought about all the good conversations we had together and I broke down crying.This is a fraction of what is wrong with me.Please tell me I can just die. I do not want to deal with any of this anymore. Can I have permission please",Suicidal +7170,"I had brought a friend over to bring some food but it did not go as planned. Not only did they come in the house, but my aunt and uncle happened to be there and my friend accidentally told them about the time I had gone over to his house without their knowledge. do not get me wrong, I fully understand why they are upset about me going without their knowledge, but what is the point of telling them anything? They get angry over the littlest things to the point where I do not feel comfortable talking to them about myself. Not only that, but Jesus I felt extremely uncomfortable with my whole family being there with my friend. I have learned to just listen to what they say and stay away from friends. I really quit I do not give a shit anymore about seeing them. This contributes more to my stress and self hatred even though I know what I did was wrong. All I do is upset people me being gone would give my family and friends so much relief. Never again.",Suicidal +7171,"Not sure if this is the right place for this or really why I am sharing.I (26 M) have been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember really. The past couple of years though it started to take over my life and cripple me in every aspect. I have built a decent comfortable life with a beautiful house, a dog that we absolutely adore, decent reliable vehicles, decent job, lots of friends to go out and have get togethers with. All with a beautiful supportive wife to enjoy it with. I do not say all that to brag, just to show some perspective I guess. I have all I could theoretically want or need, but yet I was so depressed that I dreaded waking up every day. I would lay at home by myself and drink and stare at the ceiling for hours just absolutely miserable for no reason. I started to self medicate with alcohol because it seemed the only thing that helped. As long as I kept a buzz going, I felt a little better. Of course this led to a vicious cycle of alcohol making my depression worse, and me drinking more to treat my depression. I started to drink all day on most days. Not getting hammered most of the time but drinking just enough to ride that buzz to feel a little better. I could not muster up the motivation to go to work allot of days. Luckily I have a very lenient boss and a decent amount of PTO at work or else I would have lost my job a year ago or longer. It felt like the end of the world to have to get up and go to work being in such a miserable state already, so I became known as the guy who calls out all the time. He is lazy and does not want to come to work. Some days I had to get drunk just to be able to numb my head, to be able to go to work, so I started drinking before work almost every day. I had brain fog so bad that it almost felt like depersonalization disorder. could not think, could not concentrate on what people were saying to me or on a task that I had to do. My short term memory was so bad that everyone of my friends and coworkers began to notice. (I once asked a friend if he had ever ate at this new restaurant, to which he replied dude I was literally there with you yesterday.) I suffered for so long like this without even talking about it with my wife. I could tell she knew something was wrong but we never talked about it. She was always supportive to which I am so thankful for. I tried everything to try to get out of my depression. I started researching and reading books on depression and different types of therapy that is used for treatment. I changed my diet a couple of times. Cut this out or that out. Cut back on drinking. Take a daily vitamin. Natural seratonin increase pills. Started working out 6 days a week (which actually seemed to help more than anything else I tried.) All of this and I was still depressed most of the time. I would have a day or two out of the week that were good days, if you could call it that. On those days, I would convince myself that I am just being lazy about going to work and that I am being dramatic. Everything is going good in life. You have no reason to be depressed. You have no reason to be depressed! I told myself this and was told this by anyone who I mentioned my depression to. I fucking hate that response so much. If I have no reason to be, then why am I so depressed then?! So three months ago is when my life finally started to change. I finally forced myself to go see a psychiatrist, after multiple appointments made and chickening out of going. He put me on the generic form of lexapro. I am sure you guys here are familiar with it. It started to help some a few weeks in, but I was still having good and bad days. We upped the strength of the medication and holy moly, what difference! I mean, I am now at almost an entire month without one single day being depressed. I have not called out of work. I am motivated and have been doing extra stuff that I do not absolutely have to do in my job. I have been more motivated at home, with keeping the house up and stuff. (Did I mention that I let my yard get so bad that I had to pay someone $1,200 dollars to come get it back to a manageable state.) I am actually starting to feel emotions again, not just dead and empty. My wife has noticed a big change in me as well and it makes me so happy that she notices the change. That constant feeling of doom and dread is justgone, and I am actually starting to feel like a human again. My drinking has also slowed WAY down because I am no longer using it to numb my feelings. I am still dealing with brain fog and some memory issues, but I am hoping they get better with time. I guess the reason for me writing this long story, that many people will not even bother to read all the way through, is to let anyone here that has been suffering and have not tried medication because of whatever reason know to Just try it! It may just change your life. Depression is hard and it seems like no one who has not actually dealt with it understands at all. It makes you feel like you are crazy sometimes. To anyone reading this, the way you are feeling is VALID and you are not being dramatic! Good luck on your journey through the darkness all! Lexapro saved my life!",Depression +7172,"I started having depression since i was 17 or smth i am 24 now. From that age it just feels like this feeling of being so damn depressed comes and goes. Its very hard to wake up each day and to live through that i hate it so much i feel like I do not want to go on anymore. I also have bad anxiety throughout the day i feel like I cannot breathe and my heart beats so fast and i feel dizzy. So its like every day is harder to go by. I think I am going to go to a therapist but for now i really need some type of relief even if its for a few hours, i have this medication in my home called tramadol, I have been googling about it but I am not sure, is it a type of medication that helps with these anxiety and depression if i take at least a small dose of it? If anyone has any info about it please tell me I have been feeling very depressed for almost 3 weeks now",Depression +7173,Until this year. I just want the pain to go away. I do not think it ever will. I never understood suicide.,Suicidal +7174,"I do not know a lot about guns, but my mom has a Taurus spectrum 380. If I shot myself in the head with that, would it work? Also what position of the gun is best for hitting the brain stem? Will this gun work?",Suicidal +7175,"I am a 24 yo male. All throughout my life, I feel like I ""peaked"" really early on, and either through self-induced calamity, circumstance, or a combo of both came crashing down. Even though I have not lived a long time, I already experienced a long term relationship, sex, life abroad, college, and some recognition. I realize how lucky I had been for to actually tick off those moments. But my relationship ended because I became self-grandiose and deemed myself ""settling"" for someone below me, whatever the hell that meant at the time. My life abroad ended because I forgot or was too nonchalant to file in some paperwork crucial to my legal standing. I have realized my BA and MS degrees, even though acquired from top universities, do not mean shit, when there were apparently thousands of software programs that I should have been mastering instead of wasting my time passing a ""Introduction to Beer"" GE course in college. I remember I used to be extremely motivated and driven up until three, four years ago. I always deemed it my best quality, that I could find the motivation from within. But ever since those times, I have just kept falling further and further away from what a subjective optimal human life from should be. I find it hard to be motivated to do most everyday tasks. I have grown a dislike for people. I think I have finally realized the superficiality of modern society, or at least the segment that I know. And everything seems extremely pointless. I have not had a job since grad school, and have not had a relationship after my said breakup. I might just have grown lazy. Or I might be severely depressed. Now lucky for the leech that I am, my expenses are, and will be for some time I think, paid for. And if I do not make some stupid mistakes, like getting married or adopting a baby or starting a business, or in any way do not add anyone or anything to the payroll, I could retire to a small bungalow in the country and meagerly live out the rest of my life without working or engaging with the society. I might grow into an alcoholic with a severed lung, but that is a bet I am going to have to make. I am not posing a question here. I am just writing down what I have been seriously thinking about for the past couple of months, and I want to know your opinion on it. I think there is no way out vertically, so I am thinking to change position horizontally, before ultimately falling off the radar. Idk if any of these make sense to you folks. I am just very tired and bored and hopeless of life. Thinking of Retirement",Depression +7176,And I cannot pretend anymore that they do not make me feel like shit. Them telling me otherwise does not make me feel any better or that it is a joke. does not matter to me it hurts my feelings and I am tired of convincing myself that it does not. I feel like my friends hate me,Depression +7177,"Maybe I am just a sociopath. what is wrong with me? My grandmother died and everyone seemed so shocked at her funer. I was simply standing there dead inside, as always. I do not know, maybe I am not capable of guilt. Everyone was crying except me. Am I a monster?",Depression +7178,Is life even worth living like this? I am 21 years old and no one likes me,Depression +7179,"I am so fucking suicidal, but cannot bring myself to do it, i pull the knife to my throat but cannot convince myself, everybody in my family loves me, but myself. Why do i hate myself, there is no reason, am i just being a spoiled,ugly, brat? I feel like every part of me is too tired for anything, but i try, if i could i would sleep my life away. I try to convince myself to tell my family and reach out, but younger me has little devil ears and clicked the button of Life Ruiner. Is their anyway to kill myself, but painless and quick? Kill me",Depression +7180,"Long story short I could not manage life very well with work and 2 kids and financial pressures and both me and my wife being depressed at the same time and things have come to an end pretty much but now that she is being even less supportive than before due to not having to be anymore I am finding everything harder and harder as each day goes by and the stress is mounting up and the depression is getting worse and worse and I am failing at all the little things that I was doing right at one point, in desperate need to talk, cuddle, confide in my wife but she is not available anymore, I have friends but they are not able to give me what I need. Therapy is too long between sessions and I am just very sad now. Not asking for help as there is nothing anyone can do for me, this is all on me to fix, just venting some pressure do not know how to do life, fucked up my marriage, now more depressed than ever and spiralling not knowing where to start",Depression +7181,I have 3 plans on how to do it. I am afraid of giving up. i had a doctor once ask me if i had means to do you. I laughed and told her i could count 12 way to do it in this exam room alone. Why am i like this and why cannot i end my pain? 3 ways,Suicidal +7182,"I posted on here before but it is just getting harder and harder. I definitely do not impact anyone's life in any way. I do not have any close friends. If I was ever in trouble, I would not have anyone to call. I feel so worthless and gross and disgusting. I feel like everyone hates me and wishes they never met me.If I could leave this world and everyone could forget I ever existed, I would. I wish everyone could forget me.",Suicidal +7183,Fucking pill pushing con artists. Share your bad experiences with these scums of the Earth Psychiatry hate thread,Depression +7184,"I am going to be 24 soon, and I still have never had a job or been to university, I am a kissless virgin and have not even had a friend in 3 years. I have been trying to get therapy since March but it is just not happening. I just want this to be over. I cannot take this anymore",Suicidal +7185,"Polar star shining aboveMake this burden endAs for more I am not able to takeThis small body so tornI fear death without himShow me the way outAnd if he never comes back to meI shall rip all the Constellations offNo moon tonight, the moon was himNo polaris watching him sleepTrade heart for heartSoul for soulAllow me to live one day more A promise to the stars",Depression +7186,"I have been taking 425 mg for one week and today I started taking 850 mg. Still, I am not feeling any effects, beside some minor inner unrest here and there. Anyone got some experience to share? Side effects? How and to which extent did it improve your life? When did the effects kick in? Has anyone tried St. John's Wort?",Depression +7187,"i cannot handle the hurry up and wait of life. how am i supposed to exercise, eat, eat RIGHT, sleep, sleep WELL, keep myself clean, take all my medicine, get a job, keep up with dates and appointments, etcdoing just one of these things exhausts me for days i am angry and i feel so stuck doctors/family/friends give advice and try to help but i just need to be heard right now I am so tired of fighting so hard to stay alive in this world just to be miserableim not going to leave, i just do not know how to do this i have so many health issues, and they all make my depression so much worse. I am at a transitional stage in life and i have no clue how to do it sometimes the feelings are so intense and people cannot hear what I am trying to sayeven the things i do for happiness take time money and energy i do not have what am i supposed to do when i need relief from anything that is ever given me relief and everything is getting so much worse? my medicines mess me up so much but not taking all of them makes me even worse (like right now) I have never posted here before but i needed to get this out just looking for a place other than therapy where it does not feel like I am screaming underwater how are we supposed to do this",Depression +7188,"I feel so guilty anytime I open up to close friends about depression. it is gotten to a point where I want to talk to them, not even strictly mental health stuff but just in general, and I feel like a burden and that they have had enough of me. They say they care about me and I have to believe it because I do not know what id do if I did not. I just needed a place to voice my thoughts. It feels like people are tired of dealing with me.",Depression +7189,"Last night I had a panic attack. My first one ever. do not really have a reason in particular but I can assume its because of stress and anxiety. This morning woke up feeling strange as well as somewhat delirious and all day I have felt anxious and trembly. I keep feeling like I want to cry. I can consciously feel my mental state deteriorating and I know that things are not going to get better. I used to think ""oh I will just go at it day by day."" But now even thoughts about tomorrow feel fuzzy and uncertain it feels like I am going fucking crazy. I genuinely think this is the beginning of the end for me. I do not want this to happen, I have no hopes or dreams but I still have a family that would miss me. I feel so trapped and lost I cannot think straight. I wish it would get better. But I know its never going to. Either way I guess I will keep going until I cannot anymore. The future is beginning to get blurrier and blurrier",Suicidal +7190,"My life is very hard. I am in pain all the time. I have been working on healing for years and there is been some improvement but overall I am still in bad shape. I can usually only sleep during the day. I play chess but my pain really affects my game and its really disappointing. I play guitar but have really low quality gear because I have no money. I live with my parents. I cannot work at all and my disability claim was denied. I sent it in an appeal, hoping for the best. Its always hard being around my father. It seems like hes so disappointed in me and it creates a very tense atmosphere. Its easier to be around my mom but its still hard. My older brother blew up at me a few weeks ago telling me how lazy I am. He does not believe I have a disability. He was incredibly insulting. I blocked him but he apologized so I am talking to him again. Hopefully it will stay civil. My younger brother is nice but does not really understand my situation. I spend all my time either at home or at the park a few feet from my house. I tried to get gas the other day but was too anxious. I drove by the gas station and went back home. My mental health has never been decent. In 2013 my physical health began doing downhill. One issue after another. No help from any of the many doctors I tried. I smoked weed every day from 12 to 18 to try and cope with my issues. When I got sober a lot of the people I thought were my friends wanted little to nothing to do with me. College was terrible. I dropped out my senior year. Every year got harder and harder since my health was declining. Then I moved back in with my parents and it was doctor after doctor, protocol after protocol. None of it helped. It generally just made things worse and Id voice this to my parents and it caused more tension. I was kicked out of the house countless times and often slept at motel 6 with the money I had at the time. I have had such a bizarrely difficult life. I have been expressing suicidal ideation since 3rd grade. I keep hoping things will pick up for me and that Ill finally reach a place where I feel stable. I have hopes and dreams. Well see what happens. Thanks for reading. All the best to you Tanner A difficult life",Depression +7191,"I doubt I would fail if I attempted, but the idea terrifies me. I have a feeling my mom would already be gone by the time I came to, or at least very close. My best friend would lose their sober streak and probably start drinking again. I would be left paralyzed or unharmed but left with regret and I would probably just wish for death more than I do now.Of course that is not the only thing stopping me, I would feel selfish for leaving everyone I care about. I hate the idea that suicide is selfish but I feel that way to myself. I only care about two people in this world and I know they would be fucked up if I were gone. I know for sure one would follow in my footsteps and the other would probably kill themself with self-destructive habits.I just wish I could be free of this life. I wish I could retreat to some kind of void, empty of anyone else, just for a little while... I am terrified I will fail",Suicidal +7192,"So I just found out I got banned from Omegle. do not understand why but whatever. I am super depressed due to the deaths of most of my grandparents due to covid. Any chance I can get back in or am I just fucked? The real kick in the pants is I used to do crazy shit on Omegle when I was heavy into alcohol, now I just use it to talk to people yet I still got banned now, not back when I was putting guns in my mouth. I just feel alone and needed this as an outlet. Banned from entertainment.",Depression +7193,"I have been diagnosed with depression, GAD, borderline personality, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. They all ass rape me on a daily basis and its unbearable. My meds make me feel like a zombie robot and its the absolute worst feeling imaginable. I feel no emotions whatsoever, I have no thoughts, I have no interest in anything, and have no interest in sex. I have no support system. I see a mediocre therapist twice a week and a stupid psychiatrist once in a blue moon. Fuck psychiatrists.I have been shying away from suicide bc my states gun laws are too restrictive and hanging myself hurts too much. Other methods are too much work. I am thinking once I move for college it will be a lot easier to purchase a firearm given the states laws and that I have no hospitalizations that would have to be on my record. Anyone else dealing with a smorgasbord of neurological bullshit that is making them want to end it all? How am I supposed to live my entire life like this?",Suicidal +7194,"For the last two years I have struggled with hardcore depression, which was only made worse because I feel like my life has been pretty great so why do I feel so bad. Everyone else I know has been through so much and I think they look down on me for it. I dropped out of college during my first year because of it. Two months ago now me and my best friend of 9 years stopped talking for good, and while our relationship was toxic looking back I just feel worthless. I am going back to school this semester, I have been getting into old hobbies, I have a dog which probably saved my life multiple times, and my family is pretty great. But I have no friends whatsoever. I have pushed everyone away or everyone is left me, I feel like I waste my days online and I just do not know what to do. I want to make friends so badly when I go back but she will be there and everyone else who has walked out on me. I am not medicated though I have been but I do not feel like awful as I have a few months ago. But I do feel a void. I do not ever hang out with anyone and I am just lonely. I do not feel like I have anyone to do anything with, and its been making me a nervous wreck. This is mostly just a vent post but does anyone have any tips on how to make friends in college or resocialzing after being depressed for so long? Thanks How to make life worth living?",Suicidal +7195,"you are lonely. I get it. I am too. You might have friends, family, a bf or a gf, people that you love.. but you still feel lonely. Like no one can even understand a tiny bit about you, about what you feel and how you live. it is like you are stuck in your mind, in a thick fog that nobody can enter and that you will not even try to leave. You might have hope. You might not.But tell yourself that : we are thousands and thousands feeling just like you. We all have our little foggy mind of our own and we are all stuck in there and nothing each of us feels is the same as someone else. Pain cannot be compared. We all feel it differently.So even when you are alone. Even when there is no hope. Think about all the other. Who are keeping this fog at bay as hard as they can. Think about us who are struggling to survive. Thousands of us are gone.. but even more even still fight it. So do not let go. We might not be together, but we are all linked somehow.you are not alone. you are not alone. Even if you are alone.",Depression +7196,I am absolutely so incredibly sick and tired of feeling like this every single day. My confusion and feeling of being alright but not alright at the same time has only gotten worse. I say this so often so often but I literally do not know how much more I can take of this. It feels like the Groundhog Day nightmare from hell. I know there are people worse off than me I know that but I just cannot seem to get a day off from this and I have just had a gutful. I do not want this anymore this life I mean obv I do not want to be ill anymore. I cannot handle this I am too weak too too weak. Oh for goodness sake please somebody or something make it stop. Here we go again trying to drag myself through the day I live to get to the end of the day that is all.,Suicidal +7197,"Its the internet who cares trigger warningMy father tried to kill my mother and me growing up, I was molested by my cousin and I am a virgin at 29 who cannot seem to connect with anybody anymore. All I do is wake up and work and sleep with anxiety and dread mixed all through out the day. Set up a tinder a month ago and out of the 5 matches 1 was willing to respond but every attempt at a virtual or physical meet up keeps getting delayed.I just need somebody to tell me there is hope and things get better because I am walking on floss right now and feel like I should dive off. I do not know how to motivate myself",Suicidal +7198,I want to die. I am about to mark my wrist with my nail help please I am from Lima peru Depresin,Depression +7199,I just got a new job. What I thought was my dream job is now something that I feel I will not be good at. Or that Ill get caught up in the High school shit my coworkers instigate and I cannot help myself but choose to be a part of. Nobody wants to work for the greater good and are in it for themselves. after a week of going back in person I feel like its all bull shit. Read a post that we are still on the path of fucking our planet over. I hate aging. I hate having responsibilities. I hate that I cannot be my full self at work. Always being on edge and just being thrown in to figure shit out feeling like I am being tested. I hate that my parents are getting older. Nothing seems to get better as much as I try to be positive. It just becomes something that is pointless. Like we are going to die because the world is ending. It just seems easier to not be around and just sleep forever. It all feels so pointless,Suicidal +7200,"I do not know if I should be happy about it or no. it is 50/50. I should have killed myself when I was 15. If I only knew things would turn out worse I would do it. it is sad. I lived like an asocial retard, and will die like one with noone even caring, no experience, no relationships, no achievments, nothing :D absolutely wasted 20 years. I almost died when I was born and I wish I fuciking did! Just a fucking 44 days more.",Suicidal +7201,"Not necessarily in this community, although I have seen it here before, but just in general. Someone will post in or speak about how they overcame their suicidal urges and their depression in groups of people who are all depressed and suicidal; take all the congratulations and ""I am proud of you""'s but never explain how the achieved it or give advice or even RESPOND to people asking them how they did it.Now I know nobody is entitled to anyones story, but when you dangle it in front of people who could reall use its faces, it just feels so cruel yknow? Like someone from a poor neighborhood returning to their home rich and successful and they never tell their old friends and fanily or even just people in the neighborhood who NEED it how they did it. They just stand around in the neighborhood to be admired and praised and when someone asks them how they got to that point they either ignore them or give them that same half assed vauge ""it gets better"" answer. Its good that you overcame your illness. Its good that you decided to not kill yourself or your attempt failed and you decided to live and work on getting better. Congratulations. But PLEASE if you are going to share give us SOMETHING to look forward to. Even if its specific just give us ANYTHING. do not gloat to people in your old situation about how much better you are doing and keep the methods you used a secret. Meds? Love? Therapy? Religion? A fucking hobby??? Give us something to use.One of the few things that pushes me closer to ending it is being so *close* to getting advice, real advice from someone who actually understands, on how I can save myself; and then having that information withheld. And again, I am not entitled to anyones story and nobody is obligated to tell strangers on the internet about their very personal battle; but shit if you are going to brag about how you became happy to a bunch of depressed people at least tell us how. Why do people never want to share their success stories?",Suicidal +7202,"Three years ago I tried to lethally overdose but I fucked up and might try again. I have learned from the mistake that were made. So...I have about 80 alprazolam presses that are most likely 2-3mg of etizolam or some other benzo RC, some Dramamine and some alcohol. I figure I take the dramamine, get pretty drunk and then just start eating. do not start with the nooo don do it shit, heard it all before. Just let me know the likelihood of this working or if I am overlooking something. Round 2.",Suicidal +7203,Someone please talk to me right now I need help,Suicidal +7204,"If there is a god, they would never let me suffer the inhuman weight of the world I am feeling right now. There is no god. Only me. In free fall. Falling deep. Not knowing when I will finally die. Unbelief",Depression +7205,"I do not know if this is the right place for this.I just feel sad a lot, the only time I am not sad is when I am with friends, but as soon as that is gone its like a switch and I am sad again.I want to feel justified for having all these sad feelings and I do not want to get up, when I have all these good things around me. So sometimes I want bad things to happen to me like I just wish something bad could happen so I could feel justified, and wanting bad things to happen makes me feel like attention whore.I just feel like I have it much better off than most and I am selfish for feeling sad all the time I just wish I could just appreciate what good things I have but I cannot and I do not know why.I am really sorry this is probably all over the place and does not make sense. Why am I sad when everything is good?",Depression +7206,You ever have them hang up on you because your life is too fucked up??? First and I guess the last time I call them Suicide hotline,Suicidal +7207,"IDK if this is the right sub. to post this but its one of the few that I think will actually accept a post like this and something I need to get off my chest.&#x200B;Anyway, I am 23 years old and have Aspergers (high functioning Autism). When I went to college (started ""real life"") is really where my life started to fall apart. In general, from speaking to others this is a pretty common occurence for most people on the spectrum and other developmental disorders as such. &#x200B;In realizing how much it impacted me, I certainly went through the stages of grief. Now I feel I am at the phase of acceptance in that I realize that there is no magic cure and its something I will have to live with. That being said, I do not side with the general Aspie community it seems with the opinion that the development of pre-natal scanning for Autism for aborting is obscene and wrong. Not only that, but I strongly encourage it. I do not think it should be required to abort them but I do certainly think that REAL education of what its like raising a kid with Aspergers/Autism is like as well as the obstacles they face. &#x200B;At the end of the day, there are VERY few parents who I think can properly and effectively parent a child with it. I even tell my parents that I think you are good parents but not good parents for me (AKA somebody with Autism/Aspergers) but that I do not blame them for it because it should not be expected of them. I do not think the parents should be stigmatized for it but at the same time its not fair to the kid.&#x200B;Not to mention the world in general is admittedly not structured for those on the spectrum. I guess you could argue that its possible for some to adapt but at the end of the day I do not really see the point of knowingly having a child who you know ahead of time is going to immensely struggle to blend in society (hence why I encourage abortion in most cases). &#x200B;A commonly asked question I see is why do we only ever see children with developmental conditions advertised/in media. At the end of the day, its because adulthood is almost always bleak. ""Institutions"" are still a VERY real thing. Lower functioning Autism, Down Syndrome, mentally retarded, etc. kids are still very much sent off when their parents no longer can/feel like taking care of them. I know the common belief in society is that the handling of mental illness until recently was very poor and everybody was just institutionalized, well, its the same thing now. The only difference is that they can live their childhood at home and with their peers before being sent off. &#x200B;Conditions like Aspergers are not much less bleak. Most are able enough to not be sent to an institution but most companies outright refuse to hire those on the spectrum, the unemployment rate is ridiculously high, many jobs require skills Aspies do not naturally have. Most end up in poorly paid jobs reserved for those with ""disabilities"" or doing something else of little respect. I am actually personally looking into doing sex work.&#x200B;I certainly do not see myself committing suicide at this point (although if assisted suicide becomes available I would take it). Although I think a real part of accepting my condition is realizing that I am not all that special and can now more clearly see and accept the fact that Aspergers/Autism just does not work. I will say that one benefit (there are not many) is I do think I am a bit less judgemental after realizing how Aspergers/Autism impacts me. I can now more clearly see that jobs like sex work are no less respectable than any other company and have more respect for those workers and realizing that there is no shame in what they are doing. I feel like part of the acceptance stage (final step in stage of grief) should be admittance to want of death",Suicidal +7208,"i do not know if its depression last year i used to love studying and did it for around 8 hours on top of school because i just enjoyed it . maybe its burnout but now i cannot even study for 10 minutes without feeling like its not worth it. this is the course i wanted to study my entire life. i wake up in the morning full of anxiety and have to calm myself down because the thought of university is too much. maybe its the fact that i was anticipating life to be good at this stage and for me to be happy that now that I am not, it is heartbreaking. i will never drop out of school but i have considered suicide because staying does not seem worth it. I have a bf and a loving family but seeing them no longer brings me joy either. but i want to know if i should visit a doctor and get on medication or should i just wait it out for a few more months. not worth it",Depression +7209,my body has not been able to sleep. my mind has not been able to rest. I am tired of everything. I am tired of living.i force myself to do everything. life feels wrong all of the time.47 year old human in 2021 that simply feels done. tired of living,Depression +7210,So I have no money to buy whisky so the only release is cutting myself. I enjoy the running blood and de pain. I have a date to kill myself but I am thinking to accelerate the date. I do not want to live anymore (sorry for the bad English I speak Spanish) No alcohol back to cutting myself,Suicidal +7211,"Me ajudem, por favorVou resumir a histria pra vocs.Conheo meu namorado a 3 anos, a gente se conheceu ficou trocamos ideia se afastamos depois voltamos como amigos ai nos afastamos novamente e at que chegou o incio desse ano, voltamos a conversar diariamente e consequentemente se apaixonar n. E assim, eu sempre fui uma pessoa que bebia todo final de semana, fumava e etc, e ele sempre na dele, quietinho com a cerveja dele. Comeamos a namorar e eu vacilei, menti para ele para esconder uma verso de mim que tinha medo dele rejeitar e uma mentira levou a outra,(tiveram influncias de amizade), e um certo dia ele descobriu e obviamente abalou a confiana dele e ja estvamos passando por uma fase nao muito boa ento s complicou mais, as desconfianas comearam aparecer, os cimes comearam a consumir um pouco ele,(at olhou meu cll escondido, porm admitiu depois), eu entendi os cimes e tentava ao mximo explicar pra ele as coisas para o cime passarE quando ele descobriu as mentiras me deu uma oportunidade de mudar de confessar as outras mentiras e eu, como nao sou boba agarrei!! Escrevi todas as mentiras que eu lembrava e mandei pra ele, resolvemos tudo e seguimos, eu comecei a agir e mostrar que realmente queria o nosso relacionamento, mas com o tempo ele comeou a ter cimes do meu passado, desconfianas sobre mentiras passadas e perguntar sobre meu sexo com outros etc, relevei tambm. E ai nosso relacionamento s comeou a desandar, um certo dia ele foi la them casa,( a gente ja nao estava muito bem), e ficou com meu celular o tempo todo, afastado de mim mesmo eu implorando ateno e aquilo nao era normal porque a sempre foi grudado. Ento a gente comeu, jogou buraco e fomos transar como nunca tnhamos transado antes e depois do sexo maravilhoso tomamos um banho e ele simplesmente surtou, disse que eu estava mentindo pra ele novamente e que tinha provas, ai ficamos sem nos ver por 4 dias e eu quebrando a cabea pra lembrar da mentira. No quinto dia fui na casa dele e ele comeou falar algumas mentiras que eu realmente no contei, porm nao lembrei ento eu sei que estou errada prclh, porm ele sabe que eu estava me dedicando de mais no nosso relacionamento no ltimo ms, eu estava dando tudo de mim e ele sabe eu realmente estava melhorando, mudando ento assim vocs nao acham que ele deveria me da uma chance de fazer diferente? Ou realmente tem que me largar porque sou uma cuzona? Eu devo abandonar ele pra no magoar mais ele? Socorro",Depression +7212,"I have not had one day in the past year and a half where I have not thought of killing myself. I have cried until the sun rose, slashed my arms, hit myself. All of it. I am a guy that just recently graduated high school as our valedictorian, why should I be allowed to cry? I have tried getting help, prayed, everything. I wanted to be a trauma surgeon and travel with the Red Cross to the Middle East as a volunteer surgeon.But tonight was the last straw for me. there is no one for me to go to. No help. I was raped by my ex girlfriend last year, but who would help be there to help me? I am just a guy after all. I wanted to do my part and help as many people as I could. But I cannot anymore. The road is so long and lonely. I have no doubt I would have made it, but there is no hope or point to it anymore.I have decided to hang myself tomorrow night. All set and stone. I cannot keep hurting like this any longer. I am so scared, but alarmingly calm at the same time. I worry about what will become of my mom, but I know she will be taken care of.I have read so many posts from this group for a long time now. It breaks my heart seeing so much sadness, and knowing I cannot comment encouraging words on every post. I hope you all find a form of long lasting joy. I love you guys. 365+ days of thinking of suicide.",Suicidal +7213,It will be my first time trying Wellbutrin. Are there any side effects? How does it affect sex drive? (I am a female). Has anyone tried Wellbutrin?,Depression +7214,"From year to year it gets worse, medications will not help me anymore. What is called therapy here is actually an annual visit to the doctor for a new prescription - ""Cheer up, find a job."" Great advice for a person who cannot leave the house, and more than once passed out from anxiety when buying groceries. I am too old and worthless to try any further. I want it to be over. I will never be okay",Depression +7215,Family is fighting at 3 am and threatening each other with physical violence. Everyday it is always something. I stayed in my room (I avoid them so they do not target me) and grandfather just came up banging on my door saying I am a freeloading bitch Trapped in a hellhouse,Suicidal +7216,"today, he posted on his close friends about how he feels suicidal and its becoming worst (were in our final year of high school and were graduating in 40 days) our state is currently in lockdown and we cannot take our exams. hes saying that he does not think the school is supporting him enough, but its not like he can open up about his mental health because they will report it to his parents. also he mentioned how he told his parents that hes suicidal and they dismissed it, telling him to suck it up. he has a younger brother but i do not know if they are in good terms. i do not know any of his other friends and i do not know so i cannot say anything. i also do not think he has a therapist to talk to. were not very close like we use to be when we were younger so we rarely talk now but i want to look out for him. how can i be of support if he cannot talk to his parents or teachers? i hope you guys can help me out. thank you and i hope everyone is staying strong, safe and healthy. wishing you all the best. you can do it! how can i help a friend who is suicidal?",Suicidal +7217,"Throwaway because reasons.The absolute shame I am being made to feel for surviving an attempt a few years ago is unreal. Nobody cares about the person behind the facts, just about the impact it has on them.Employer (had to reveal medical info for security clearance): How do we know you will not do this again?Friend (no longer friends but this was at the time): You are destroying my life.Volunteering stuff (they do not need full medical info but had to reveal ""mental health issues""): it is inappropriate for you to want to do this.When I tell people that lockdown saw leaps and bounds to my recovery: We do not believe that.I never got counselling because all my requests went unanswered. People look at that as a refusal of counselling. Nobody believes me and that is starting to trigger things. Survivor Shame",Suicidal +7218,"do not get me wrong, there are good moments. But my biggest wish is to just not wake up, I have tried everything this past year to feel better and the better I feel the harder it feels when I come back to the reality that I have no desire to live. I do not think I can ever change enough to feel happy, so what is the point of even trying? Especially when the only place that I even try to cry out for help is anonymous. Do people ever actually feel like they enjoy being alive?",Suicidal +7219,"I really do not know what to do. it is extremely disheartening as I was doing okay, started to workout, work on my diet, lose 30 lbs of fat, play my sport and work on my diet. Vacation seems to be a distressor for me, as the last time I went on a vacation on a plane, I seemed to have a few episodes (3 years ago conveniently), while now, I just came back from another vacation on a plane for the first time since then. I feel okay on the plane rides, but after the vacations I go on to have suicidal thoughts for months. I do not know what to do. do not really think that the vacations are connected to the thoughts as it is been a few days since, but when on vacation last time it was during the vacation. I know I am rambling and making no sense on a tangent, but it is more of a stream of consciousness. Thanks for hearing me out. Might just go to bed. Just graduated high school, had suicidal thoughts in the past (2-3 years ago) but worked through them and now they are back.",Suicidal +7220,"I have not really posted here for months besides replies. I just really do not know what else I can say, who really cares anyways? I have been doing great but I do not feel great.I am reaching my goals and pushing myself but I am still not happy. there is just nothing this world could offer that would make me feel content. I fear the day I have it all but I am still trapped inside my head. it is never enough",Depression +7221,"For a while my depression was ""dormant"" in a sense? For a few months I was not seeing the effects and I just was not feeling like shit all the time. For the past few weeks, however, its been horrible and unmanageable and the tole it takes on my body just makes me feel even *more* depressed.I am losing alot of weight, stress acne, my hygiene is horrible, I cannot find the motivation to fix my nails or unbraid my hair, several red patches all over my skin from scratching from the anxiety brough on, scars, etc. I feel ugly and I do not even recognize myself in the mirror (when I get the courage to look). My friends want to hangout with me soon and I do not know if I can bring myself to leave my house. Aside from not wanting to ruin everyone is mood I also look as shitty as I feel. I am going to feel humiliated if I step out of my house like this, especially since my friends are all so well dressed and pretty. This fucking sucks. Depression taking a tole on my physical appearance is the cherry ontop of this shit pile.",Depression +7222,"Hey been awhile since i posted and i would not say I am much better since last time. I just wonder why i feel alone all the time. sure I have got a small group of guys that are great friends but it does not seem like they actually care about me at all. Its not an obligation to check up on me i know but it just seems like I am always the one checking up on others when here i am feeling alone, depressed i share things with them which i feel would make them happy but no one really does the same, no one really listens you know. Is it in human nature to be selfish? why does everyone i know only put themselves before others including me all the time because it sure feels that way. I am not tryna say I am the most selfless guy out there but i do my best.. all I am trying to say is i just want someone to care, to listen, i just want to feel appreciated and that i mean something to someone. I am sorry if i meant anything in a rude way i hope you understand. Thanks for reading and have a good day. Friends",Depression +7223,I am a 16 year old guy I have no friends I am lonely and depressed its 2 am and I cannot sleep something happened today that rlly just set me off and I cannot stop remembering memories and thinking I rlly want someone to just talk to and be comforted by I have no one. I rlly need someone please help,Depression +7224,"I went to my psych about a week or so ago for a med checkup and I had a list of all these things I wanted to talk about (mental health is exponentially declining). However, I went into autopilot mode when the nurse was asking screening questions like do you have thoughts of self-harm? and so I automatically said no because I am so used to denying it. I really did want to tell the truth but it was like a reflex to say no. Similarly, I put in a facade for my psych and basically said life was pretty good and blah blah blah. I am not doing well at all and I want to talk to my psych to see if a med change would help, but I am not sure how to bring myself to call the office, and I am also quite nervous to admit that I feel awful. The next appointment I have is not until 6 months from now, and I am not sure I can wait that long without deteriorating even more. I apologize if this sounds whinyI think I already know what I need to do, but I am just nervous and was wondering anyones thoughts? Needing Encouragement??",Depression +7225,"That feeling came back. You know the one. It feels so cheesy and lame when I really think about it. All the darkness, sadness, the self isolation. Is this really what I am now? Is this who I have become?I choose to believe that somehow things will get better. I think that is my downfall. Instead of taking the steps to move forward I sit and wait for things to get better. Of course, they never do. Is it my fault though? Or is it just something I cannot control? there is so many things that I do not know. In general, and about myself. It terrifies me. Life is just terrifying, I guess. That feeling",Depression +7226,"I spent 2 hours writing a post on here until my phone glitched and deleted it all. Then I realized I was over sharing & decided not to type it all out again. It was good therapy venting to myself anyways.7 months ago my newborn son passed away, 2 days before his 1 month birthday. He stopped breathing in his sleep, spent 9 hours at ER & then passed away in my husband & Is arms. I thought I was doing better but these past few weeks have been miserable. I was told prior to conceiving him (and after 4 miscarriages) that I had pcos and probably would never be able to conceive or have a pregnancy success. I found out two days before Mothers Day 2020 that I was having him & I named him after Gabriel the messenger of God. He was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. I wish every day I was the one who died instead of him.I am only 20 years old, yet I feel as if I have been through so much. I feel like God is punishing me in my life and I can never be happy. I do not understand why he had to cut short the life of a beautiful baby. I cannot eat, I am always tired, I am always reliving the moment my husband runs into our room screaming hes not breathing.Every night I fall asleep to images of what I think he would look like now. I am trying to conceive again to no avail. I want to be a mother so badly but no other baby will be like him, and my body will not cooperate regardless. I do not want to kill myself but I feel like I have nothing to live for anyways.He saved my from a severe eating disorder & addiction. He made me grow up and turned me into a woman. I moved out, I got my shit together, my husband and I got married so my baby could have a happy home.I will never get to see him take his first steps, say momma for the first time, get to give him his first taste of sugar. I was so excited to take him to the beach, I bought a swimsuit that was several sizes too big so he could wear it in the summer. Its in his closet with the tags still.I sleep with his onesies in our king size bed. I wish it was him instead . I do not know why I am posting this, I have had Reddit for a long time and have never made a real post. Maybe I am looking for people to relate to or maybe this is a cry for help. I do not want to die but I want something to live for and I want a sign that my baby is okay & watching over me. I wish I knew for sure. I think this whole experience has made me more religious because I know he was too pure and perfect to go anywhere else other than heaven and I hope one day I will finally be okay & get to see my boy again. If anyone knows how I can move on or find some peace I would love to hear it. Thank you for reading this & best of luck on your journey to happiness. I have not found mine yet but hopefully I will feel that joy he gave me again. TW: I cannot get over the death of my baby.",Depression +7227,"I always thought how can you call suicidal people cowards? It takes so much bravery to actually hurt yourself and all that jazz. Well today, while i was dabbling in self pity, i realized that the main reason i am suicidal is that i am afraid of the future. I am afraid of taking responsibilities. I am afraid of facing this shitty life alone. I am afraid of stepping up and becoming a functional human being. I am afraid of taking on the responsibility of livingI have a few things i want to see happen, but i do not have any other reason to stay in ~1 year, and many reasons not to stay. Yes i am a coward, and i will die as one, one day. I am a coward",Suicidal +7228,"How awful and disgusting is it that I am mad about me (vaccinated) having caught covid from my mom (unvaccinated) and having worse symptoms to boot? I did everything right. I masked, I kept my distance, I got my shots, all of it. She treated it like a game and now I am worse of than she is. This is like some cosmic level ""you were evil in a past life"" bullshit if I have ever seen it. I must be the worst son in the world right now. Not specifically depression related but...",Depression +7229,"I have struggled with anxiety and depression for 10 years. For the most part I managed it, and I had a decent life and support system. But the past few years everything in my life has gone completely downhill. Its been one thing after another, and just when I think it cannot get any worse, it does. It started when I began to get panic attacks every day, and my social anxiety took a deep dive in college. I dropped out, and have only managed a few classes since then. My mom started having vision problems 3 years ago due to a negligent doctor that failed to inform her that the corneal disease she is had since a teen was rapidly progressing. I have watched her go to all these top specialists week after week for 3 years, and every treatment option has failed. she is always been my best friend and my rock. Watching her go through this, unable to do anything has been horrible. But recently, her mental health took a big turn for the worse. I have had to call 911 on her twice to get her to a psych hospital in the past 3 months. she is truly the only person I have left though. 2 of my closest family members died unexpectedly, the rest of my family does not give a fuck despite my efforts to reach out, my dad is the worst of them all, and I have lost all my friends. I am absolutely terrified for my mom, and I wish so bad I could do something to actually help her. But selfishly, my mental health is at an all time worse. I have never felt more alone and scared in my life, I think about suicide every minute, and I have come up with a plan. I am 23 with no college degree, barely any work history, with no hope for an actual future. I have lost the one person I could got to about anything, because I cannot burden my mom with everything she is going through. I see a therapist every week and it has been zero help. She recommended a residential therapy program for a month, which I feel like is worth a try but the problem is I cannot leave my mom. She has enough vision to do basic things, but she cannot drive, and she needs me right now. No one else in our family understands or cares enough to even call her. I feel so trapped, so hopeless, so terrified. I know that makes me a selfish person, I know I need to suck it up and help my mom. But fuck I do not know how I can keep going like this. I do not see any other way out",Suicidal +7230,hah i have my own little imaginary world where everything is so perfect and it helps me sleep at night and its so much better i doubt it will ever become reality it could if i was skinny but it will not because i do not try my anxiety is off the rails but staying cheerful is what gets me through the day even if people take advantagei really wish i was the girl in my imaginary head everyone loves her and she is a perfect girl truly is amazing she is the opposite of me hahawhy cannot i be her my little imaginary life,Depression +7231,"I am so depressed.The thing is, growing up I had high dreams for myself.Really high dreams.I was lucky in the sense that I was born with talents. I could sing and grew up being praised for my voice. I was a fabulous writer who thrived off books and poetry. As I got into my teen years I began to love fashion. I could have been a singer, or a writer or even a fashion designer.I could have had friends. Fun, hilarious and artistic friends like me. And instead, I became none of those things I so desperately loved. I do not have any friends because I am pretty different and I do not find it easy to click with people that often, especially in the town I ended up living in.I am 31 and I have a daughter who I adore and love more than life itself. But I still cannot help but feel cheated out of the life I felt I knew I was meant to have.When I hear music, sometimes I cry just thinking about how I wanted to do that. If I see a woman thriving in her writing career,Well.. you guessed it! That shoulda coulda would have been me.I am struggling with addiction and anxiety and yet I feel like an imposter even saying that. I have no support. My partner is kind but whatever is wrong with me is way too much for him. Signed,Broken 30 something and depressed",Depression +7232,"So as title states. I had ran out of medication. I tried to get it refilled , made a few calls to my psychiatrist office left a couple messages. Even spoke to someone days before it supply ran out. But in the end it was not refilled. Mind you I had not had an appointment since maybe January as I missed my last telephone appointment sometime in spring I believe. I was on the max dose of the prescription , I had been on this since the end of 2017 although my dose was not maxed out till around the start of 2019 if I recall correctly. I had been skipping doses here and there but never more than 2 days at a time sometimes I would forget if I had taken my dose for the day and most times I elected not to take said possible missed dose for that day in the event that I did take it. So I am wondering what to expect in the coming weeks or months. Mind you I have a lot of other mental impairments aside from severe depression and bipolar. Some I do not even know anything about. I am currently not sleeping too much , it is a lot more difficult to fall asleep now. I am having brain shocks and what not often. I feel like I used to prior to taking this medication. Extreme tiredness , slurring my words often , not feeling alive at all. (Even on the medication I felt tired and weak but it was not as bad as it is while off it)I wake up early now and after being up maybe .. 5 hours I start to feel so tired and have 0 energy but cannot nap/sleep While off the medication , if I go for a walk or exercise I get this high and feel like I can do anything (lol) while on medication I did not really get that even after doing those activities. This is a lot to read and I am sure I confused anyone who has made it this far. But I am hopeful to get some kind of response. (I have an appointment with a new mental health professional in 2 weeks) if that matters I ran out of Citalopram about 8 or so days ago. what is going to happen?",Depression +7233,everything is said:) 1 year without trying to kill myself,Suicidal +7234,My ex who I still love so much is on my mind all day. I think about how bad if fucked up and could not conquer my demons. This depression is just to much. I wish I was dead. All I do is think about her all day long...,Depression +7235,"i have been depressed most of my life, i am now 27 , and everytime i seem to get somewhere with being happy my mind just forces itself to become depressed again, back to the comfort zone.. i was reading that depression swells the brain over the years or something.. is it possible to be depressed beyond return? i have no wants in life at all anymore i have long just been waiting to die / contemplating suicide but the trail of destruction i would leave behind for my partner, parents, siblings ect is something i cannot do, i do not want to disperse my depression among those who have tried their best to help me. depressed beyond the point of return",Depression +7236,"I just want to know if anyones life has ever gotten better from a point where they attempted to commit s*icide. I have tried once and held on to the hope that eventually (hopefully) my life would get better, it never did even years later. Ill probably try therapy to see if that changes anything. I am that annoying bubbly (happy outgoing) person everyone hates, but no one ever thinks about. When I was in elementary and middle school doctors diagnosis me with depression social anxiety anxiety Does life ever get better? I feel like I have been asking myself that question since I was 7 now I am 23.",Depression +7237,I can not talk to a kid who is suffering. I can not help anybody. It hurts. I cannot find anybody to care about me. I am useless. Fucking useless. I want to die. Please. I am useless,Suicidal +7238,"I have been close to my friend for four years, in the friendship I was constantly apologizing for the mistakes that were not my own. We got in a lot of fights, mostly about respecting each other, since he never respected me. I made mistakes in the friendships, he made some overly bad mistakes. I was so scared of losing my friendship it ended up hurting me in the end. Throughout the friendship, I helped him so much, paid for so much, bought him things to make him happy, and helped him with a girl that he loved for so long, just so he could be happy. So many things, because a part of me thought he was going to be my best friend for life, and I was manipulated a lot throughout the friendship. Fast forward near our graduation, he gave me covid-19, and throughout covid 19, my dad passed away when I got symptoms, and I had to be locked in a small room throughout, and I never got to see my dad in his last moments/ when he passed. I stood in a room shaking, and that same idea torment's my soul, and has just weighed a huge amount of anxiety towards me. When I had covid, he would not let me tell any of our friends, he kept saying how it will ruin the friendship between me and him, and others. I was threatened, and vulnerable during the situation as my dad was currently in the hospital in critical condition. The only thing keeping me sane throughout the process that we were still friends, and he knew the most about my dad and I could talk to him. Throughout this incident, a month later he ended up cutting me off for reason's that I regret, but summary was he talked shit about me to make people hate me, and basically it was a situation between how these people hated eachother, and forced it upon me and him, and basically the two girls manipulated him the entire time to hate the two girls. At the end it switched up on me for the wrong reasons, lies were being told. In the end my friend basically got mad for bringing up his name and he told me to go kill myself, and told me I deserve everything that is happening to me. Now it continues that I am losing my other friends, I have fallen into depression, and he is slowly making everyone hate me. The only thing keeping me sane was being able to talk to people and distract myself, but nothing has gone good. Every single week something worse happens, and I just do not want to be on this planet anymore. I do not want to go throughout life, my life is over, my dad is gone, and everything is just garbage. It comes to the point where I cannot even explain this situation because it is so long, and it is so fucked up. I just wan't to be happy again, but i will truly never find happiness. I do not know how to cope, I cannot even talk to my family about it. I just hate my life. I hate my life, and it seems like it is getting worse.",Suicidal +7239,"I am sorry being alive I think I am a bother and problem to everyone. Although I know my boyfriend loves me and supports me, I still could not stop myself from self-harming(slitting my wrist). I broke my promise to my boyfriend and my close friend suffering from MDDI could not stop myself from thinking about suicide, and I always think I am useless and do not worth to be loved And I cannot trust anyone either I want to change the situation but I do not know how to startI have never sought medical advices because I have never been to the psychiatrist ( I am now 16 and have no financial support afraid to tell my parents) Suicidal thoughts and self harming",Suicidal +7240,I feel really depressed. My dad is a toxic bitch and he pushed me and we were fighting and my sister was in the middle. I hate working too and on my day off shit is terrible. I hate living here in toxicity and I do not enjoy working. I do not enjoy anytging. My dads a horrible person and I am forced to be here Physical altercation with my dad.,Depression +7241,"Men lying to me and manipulating me, people stealing from me, the people that are supposed to care about me disregarding my issues and using me. Random people on the street disrespecting me.I was feeling depressed about it first but its transitioned to rage. I am starting to feel insane. I feel like everyone is attacking my well-being and my lively hood and all I want to do is really fight back.But the way I want to fight back is not accepted in society. Please give me advice on what I can do to soften the blows? I know I cannot walk thru life completely alone but I am seconds away from snapping and ending up in a really fucked up situation or really dead. I feel like I am under attack.",Depression +7242,"I have been thinking about the two treatments today. I see similarities between both of them.Its almost as if you need to become a masochist and really want the pain in order to get better.Kind of explains why star athletes seek pain and why they succeed, and why they often fall into depression after retirement.Guh. Try retiring after wasting your life as an accountant or salesman. Then you will really question the point of seeking pain disguised as therapy.Easier just to be catatonic. Behavioral Activation Therapy and Exposure Therapy",Depression +7243,i feel so lost so i took 1000mg of metropozol let us see what happens hmm help me,Suicidal +7244,"With what medications can I almost commit suicide? I just want to almost die and go to the hospital, I am running out of options to get my ex's attention, she did not care that i cut myself, I just want to talk to her. What meds or pills can i take?",Depression +7245,"I feel worthless and nowhere near a man. I feel weak and think that I would be better off dead. I have messed up relationships and family relationships by doing dumb shit and saying things I should not have said. I have been forgiven for my actions, but I know thing will not ever be the same again. I have always been that burden and I just hate myself. I do not even know what I want to do with my life. I went to college and could not even go through my first semester and dropped out. I am in student debt because of that. Then I went to the military and realized I could not do it. I just feel like me being here is pointless. I do not know what to do and I am scared for my future. I know my family is disappointed in me for the military thing, but they just hide it. My girlfriend has been here through the whole ride and has supported me, but I feel like my luck will run out with her soon. I do not know why she has not left me yet. I know she loves me, but she deserves better if I am being honest. I just want to end it, but something is holding me here and I do not know what it is. I know people go through worse things and I do not mean to bitch, but all this pain is building up. I do not know who to talk to about suicide and I do not want to seem like I am going crazy. Any advice or help ? If you are reading this, I am glad you are still here I do not know why I am still here",Suicidal +7246,"I am known to be a really upbeat, happy, funny, easygoing person. I learnt to act like this and be a people pleaser at a young age and it just comes easy to me now. But I believe I have been depressed for a very long time (however its never been diagnosed.) sometimes I feel like I am almost just overreacting or like my depression is not really there, and it does not help that its never been officially diagnosed.Sometimes I have days where it feels like depression takes over, then the next day will be really good and Ill feel dumb for how I felt the day before. Almost like imposter syndrome but opposite. Does anyone else feel this way? Or any thoughts? I feel like my depression is fake sometimes",Depression +7247,I just do not want to be alive anymore. The constant hurt and pain is too much to bare. I do not know what the point is anymore. I really do not. Life feels dark and empty. I do not have the strength or the will to be here anymore.I wake up and feel like I cannot breath a deep sadness washes over me.an emptiness.a black hole within.How can I live feeling like this? Its only going to get worse. what is the point?,Suicidal +7248,"When I was younger, in my childhood, I had self worth, I still had anxiety, but I felt like I was the best at everything. I was a ""gifted"" child and did well in school, in fact my only main source of anxiety was if my crush liked me back. Either way I felt special and unique. I have had worrying behavior before where I would cut myself with school scissors and even younger as a toddler, I would bang my head against the wall or floor. Still. Those things were rare of me though maybe I should I have taken it as a sign of things to come. In middle school I was anxious but I still felt nice and special. 9th grade was when things changed though, I started to get bullied which made me reevaluate myself, I started seeing myself in a negative light, and the only way I coped was sleep or being in a constant state of self loathing. There were times I made threats to the students that were bullying me, but instead of thinking it was wrong, I doubted my capabilities to go through with the threat. After 9th grade I felt better going to another high school, I was not getting bullied, and even though I was not quickly making friends, people still let me hang around them or sit at their table. It was nice. I met my ex boyfriend not too long after and we stayed together for 3 years. He ended up leaving me during my first semester of college. I felt sad about it, but having been in a relationship for 3 years gave me a false sense of security that finding another relationship might be easy. I was quite wrong. Not only that but I started to realize many people were better than me and were skilled at something while I realized I was not. I was quite literally not good at anything or at least not good enough. However, this world requires you to contribute something to it. I could not. The former gifted child felt lied to. That I could do anything and I had great potential. It bothered me a lot. I did not feel like I could conquer anything like I used to. Instead, I was smacked in the face with the truth that I was not special and my best was not good enough. Through this period people kept telling me to keep trying and I eventually will get good. I did not see any improvement, in some areas I felt like I was getting worse. Right now I am stuck with the feeling of inferiority and suicidal thoughts. I am not quite doing anything for this world, in a way I feel like I am taking up space that could be used for a much more skilled and intelligent individual. Recently I looked through documents of tests that were done when I was younger in elementary school. I found that I lacked critical thinking skills and had a language disorder as well as anxiety. I thought my IQ may have been better but I tested below average for verbal iq and only slightly above average for non verbal with the highest in calculating. Right now I am not sure how to move forward... but I am too scared to kill myself. I have never been good enough. .",Suicidal +7249,"Hi I want to talk about my experience, I just want to talk to someone about a friend that passed away in 2012 Severe depression with a friend that killed themselves in 2012",Depression +7250,I want blood all over my body. I want it draping over everything and anything. In my hair. Everywhere Never let the world forget. Slice slice,Suicidal +7251,Hi my name is Pierre I am a 22 year old guy from Houston and for about 7 years I have been really depressed. A lot of people close to me really do not know because I have always been the funny guy that makes people laugh. I have had a tuff coming up me and my mother had a very bad relationship coming up I am not really close to my family but I love them though. I try to keep a smile on everyone is face if I can but at the end of the day I am somewhere questioning why am I alive I have thought about suicide multiple times but I have a niece and nephew that I could not do that too my relationship with my gf is so wierd I really like her but i know deep down she does not care about me its shows but I stay with her I am currently trying to get a car so I can move around without having to ask someone who dislikes me I am actually crying right now my heart is so heavy I can never keep anyone happy I understand men are not supposed to cry but man I just want to be happy and make others happy but it seems I cannot I pray but not as much as I should know I will not get a reply I am not to much worried but I needed to let something is off my chest it hurts sleeping in the bed with someone who is obviously cheating on you and is not interested but before I stayed with her I was homeless and just graduated she knows I do not have anywhere else to live so she treats me like shit because she know I do not have anywhere to go I am so tired of being tired no matter what I do lately the tears have been uncontrollable I need help I am tired I just want to be happy man with peace of mind please God I am so ready to end it all I cannot continue like this Help me,Depression +7252,"I do not really want to commit suicide. Walking through it in my head and visualizing being in the moment where I take my life is really unpleasant. I think some of us just want to be somewhere far from ""here"". Without overwhelming thoughts and problems that never end, with people or at the least someone that is a true friend. Far from a world that gives kids cancer, and hurts the innocent selfless people.Sadness and general dissatisfaction is not a bad thing, they are key to understanding what it means to be happy. But not like how it is right now. With no room to breathe. far from here",Suicidal +7253,"I am a 15 year old kid and I have been struggling with what i believe is depression. I have so many trust issues with relationships and friendships, i hate the way my body looks even though I am working out to try and fix it but sometimes it just feels futile. My friends hate me, the reason i think this is because my one friend group they all make fun of me, call me unfunny, annoying, and one dude in there always call me an emo depressed kid who should just kill himself. I really only have my mom, and a couple of friends but i feel so embarrassed to tell them how i feel. My dad is a horrible father and contributes to how lonely and out of place i feel. And a couple weeks ago i went to my friends birthday party and me, him, and his friends smoked weed and it was the first time for me and for once in my life i actually felt something. I have been craving that high ever since but idk who i should ask to buy edibles off of, or if i should even do it. i have not tried self harm nor do i want to because i know once i go down that road ill cross the line and i do not know if ill be able to come back from that. I need advice on what to do.",Depression +7254,"I am only 16, and I cannot do snot thing right. I am stupid compared to everyone around me, I am fat, like really fat, I have no skills academically or physically and cannot find the will to actually do anything or get skills I can actually use anywhere.I am effectively incapable of being aware of my surroundings and kind of just get lost in my own head all the time.I am not funny and all my friends up until not too long ago have left me one way or another or just straight up ignored me, I am that weird pit stop people make from one point to another, I am a side character in even my own story.My family keeps telling me to just get better, loose weight, study, but than provide no help. Once my great grandmother, pop, and what not die and my current friends one at lunch leave who will I have? My mom who keeps putting me down and screaming at me for the slightest inconvenience to her? My dad who I barely see? My little siblings and cousins? I do not care if they will miss me, in enough time they will forget me like everyone else does.the only people who truly care talk about me behind my back, I have no mental stability, I am self conscious to the point of it being crippling, I have no skills or knowledge on how to get a job nor a reliable path I can take for a career. I am just another voice in the crowd.Nothing but a sad pile of memorys stick in the past. I can do dnd but it feels like everyone is life is moving forwards but mine and I am stuck in the past, nobody can make time anymore.If i die world anyone care? What can I do? I feel like a mistake, and nobody cares",Suicidal +7255,Stay positive friends :) i had been recently going through a rough tine hard break up and alot going on no one in particular has stepped into my life yet but I am really not searching to hard I have moved forward and things are bigger and brighter the ever :) it all works out stay happy and head held high :) Positivity,Depression +7256,I use to be too tired to do anything but now I exercise and get motivated to do everything I need to do. Then after that I just sit back and kill time. I enjoy nothing. I just get motivated enough to finish everything then find myself with 10 hours on my off days just waiting for the day to end. Can anyone relate to this i know it is weird but. Like I feel absolutely dead inside but somehow found this motivation to kick ass. But after all the necessities I just wait for time to go by.... :/ maybe it is because I still actually want to see how far I can go. Or maybe a hope for the future still who knows. Like it is super black and white. White as in I am motivated to kick ass. Then black as in completely dead waiting for the day to end. Also I am eating super healthy now too idk. Motivated to do what is necessary then lean back,Depression +7257,"It hurtsIt hurtsIt hurtsIt hurtsIt hurtsI want it to stop, pleaseI *need* it to stop It hurts",Depression +7258,"I have been having an extreme depressive episode and did not wash my hair for two weeks and I am finally going to get to that right now, is anyone proud of me? :<its so hard for me to do anything right now. i feel extremely hopeless and helpless everything I am doing is just so hecking difficult and i just really want someone to tell me I am doing a good job because my dad just got mad at me for it saying i should have soonerim also planning on taking a shower tomorrow :) is anyone proud of me? :(",Depression +7259,"Never thought I was going to make it this far. I am not perfect, I am not who I want to be, but I am content with being alive right now. I wanted to thank everyone on this sub. I love you all so much I am alive to be 18!",Suicidal +7260,"I got really ""triggered"" today (I do not know if that is the right word, I guess I just mean extremely emotionally disturbed) by an article I read about how bad violence gets in prisons. How can people do such horrible things, and why do none of the staff do anything to stop it? Why is prison rape so commonly joked about? it is not funny at all, it is a nightmare. I have never been to prison but I just cannot stop thinking about how soul-shattering that experience would be. I cannot stop thinking about how many people are going through that right now as I type this and about how they will continue to go through it for years or even decades. Endless suffering. I cannot stop imagining it over and over again.it is really hard for me to stop thinking about all of the agony that people and animals are put through, and everytime I get ""triggered"" like this it is like every horrible thing I have seen comes racing back to the front of my mind. I once saw a video of someone grabbing a piglet by his hind legs and slamming his little head against a concrete floor. Another of probably hundreds of baby chicks being stuffed into a garbage bag and suffocated. How on earth could someone do that to tiny defenseless innocent babies? My brain becomes overwhelmed with the images of these scenes and imagining myself in their place and wanting to save them and wanting someone to save me. I do not know how to get it out of my head other than to off myself. There is so much unimaginable suffering (TW violence, sexual assault, animal abuse)",Depression +7261,"Its been around a month since I have had a depressive episode and its back again. The crying every night, the thinking about my past (causing me to lack sleep), getting you look tired looks from family and friends who see me, people checking in on me because they know something is wrong even though I try so hard to minimize it and keep it under wraps. I just have no clue what to do anymore. My parents would be depressed if I were gone and my alcoholic sister would never even be able to fully understand it, who knows if she would even find out. After a while though everyone would heal and life would continue on. Maybe one or two people would visit my grave, but after then the trips would become farther and farther away until I am just another headstone. Who knows, would I even get a grave? that is expensive and I would not want my parents to have to pay for that. is not that crazy? We die and then we have to pay for dying. Fucked up. And even if I stay alive. Will anyone ever love me? When I was little I dreamed of being a single mom because I thought that it was more realistic than marriage. My cousin and I used to talk about getting beaten and how bad it was but we never told anyone because we thought it was normal. Now were both 20 and depressed. that is life I guess. Its coming back again",Depression +7262,Seriously do not know how to title this but ironicOf course its splendidWish I was never been born the more I live this life then more painful it isLets see beginning that I am born ugly as in ugly ugly I was born with such ugly face it hurts to have crushMy eyebrows looks like always frowning so people always think I am stupid My ear infection since birth makes me deafImmune system is so bad I am mentally and socially retarded The more I think of it the more I realized I am not meant to be bornFun thing is when I die the only people that will kept calling me are my bills Nobody else willNone of my so called friends messaging me Or calling me daily to see if I am all right I mean my family will probably do try to call me but by the time they do find out I am already rotten in my room. So I am trying not do that I just think of crashing my car in the open freeway or crashing on tree so nobody else will get hurt.That or ill just jump into the hill hopefully just die I do not know I fucking hate this life Stupid stupid Splendid life,Suicidal +7263,"I have never hurt a child before, I have not hurt a child now, and I will never hurt a child in the future. The thought of having sex with a child or teenager disgusts me, and I would never hurt a kid like that. But I feel I have to accept that I am attracted to them. It hurts me to say this, it has hurt me so much when I questioned myself about it in the past, but I have to accept it. I cannot be around children with out a sexual thought coming in my mind, for some sort of desire, even if it is something I find so repulsive and wrong, to come. I just need to accept that I am disgusting and that I am probably better off dead than a danger to children. I truly do not think I have a future if I am going to have these desires towards youth. I guess I should just get it over with I think I am a pedophile",Suicidal +7264,Can eating shoe polish lead to death ? Question,Suicidal +7265,"Do you know the saying 'dead inside' that is kind of how I feel, I just do not care about anything anymore, I just want out, I want to be able to go to parties and not feel like I do not belong, I want to be able to sleep, I want to be happy, or at least I want to be able to smile for real instead of faking it all the time. I accidentally cut myself the other day, and I did not mind the pain, yeah it hurt, but, I did not care, and that is just scary, I am not going to start cutting myself on purpose any time soon but the fact that I did not even give a second thought to the inch deep cut that is now on my hand, is way to terrifying to think about, I do not know what to do. I just want someone to care. I feel empty",Depression +7266,i did not think id make it to my twenties but here i am and i wonder if it would have been better off if i did not. you put out fires but new ones just crop up. i hope the first funeral i attend is my own,Suicidal +7267,"I often feel the only way to make people take my depression and possible underlying causes seriously is to actually kill myself. Especially family, who I feel are supportive in some ways but downplay my depression. They do not take it seriosuly when I say I cannot handle work and life. A certain family member is the worst- stating before that I just get a little down sometimes (that phrase still makes me want to punch a wall)or that he notices others inc himself feeling depressed in winter or that he had trouble keeping a job when he was younger. He gives terrible advice that just makes me angry do not feel you cannot take a vacation. That does not solve the problem of the actual job! I am sick of being minimized.I feel (and maybe I am wrong) its just minimizing my condition. I mean hes supportive in other ways. But I am still angry and I feel killing myself is the only way to win the argument I feel, having failed at anything in life the only I can have the final word or any control is to kill my self - successfully. A failed attempt will only make me more of a failure. I mean I know there has to be a better way to deal with this I just do not know how. Confrontation will not help, Ill just sound more desperate. Staying my true feelings about everything to everyone will not help Ill just embarrass and maybe isolate myself more. I can discuss with a counsellor but that often just feels like talking. Its not an solution its not even leading to one. People only take action, especially irreversible violent action, seriously. How to make people take your condition seriously without having to kill yourself ?",Suicidal +7268,"I cannot do anything about my race. I can change my weight or my appearance to some extent but what do I do about my race. The moment I tell some guys my race, they act badly with me. I do not know what to do except cry. I wish I could kill myself in a way that it does not hurt my family but it is impossible. I feel trapped. Racism just makes me want to kill myself",Suicidal +7269,"I was working like a madman. This meant traveling all over the world, constantly worried about deadlines and sales quotas, and just living one to-do item after another. The year would fly by and I would not know where it went, but I was not depressed, I was engrossed.But it was a bad thing because it was fulfilling the goals I wanted for myself. I was just a slave to the corporate machine.Ironic.Slavery or despair. Those were my only two choices. Somebody should have told me. The only time I was not depressed in life was when",Depression +7270,I am in constant physical pain and i just want it all to stop. my joints hurt so bad all the time and i cannot do anything about it. sometimes i can barely fucking walk i cannot do this anymore I am so tired of living like this I am so tired,Suicidal +7271,"Have you all ever been in this situation when you have erratic sleep schedule due to the highs and lows of work? If so, did you find any solution to it? Irregular sleep schedule",Depression +7272,"he tries to help me and asks me why i do not care. i said i do not know. i genuinely do not know why i do not care. he said i do not care about him and i realized, i do not as much as i should. i try but i cannot. I am so tired and he brings up my issues whenever we talk and say that i cannot admit when I am wrong, things like that. i have lost all interest in caring for people. I am so tired. how do i fix this? i do not want to lose my friends but I am so drained i do not care about my friends",Depression +7273,I am so tired of life. I am so tired of being here. I am so tired of living. Every single day I ask God why the hell did you create me? I hate myself. If I killed myself no one would care. I do not know what to do anymore. I am planning to kill myself soon. I wonder if I can finally just die. I am so tired,Suicidal +7274,If I could go back. Id change it all. Every small choice. Every stupid life changing decision. I have fucked it all up.,Depression +7275,"Is it normal to cry and think of suicide when ur dad yells at you? Sometimes I say in my mind ""maybe if I did not exist he would not have any problems. His life would be better without me. Etc""I try to prove to him that I am not useless but in the end I will never satisfy him. I am crying as I write all this Any tips to deal with these thoughts.",Suicidal +7276,"Earlier this week, I heard that a casual friends father committed suicide and I am having a hard time processing it. From the outside looking in he seemed to have a good life. Great wife and kids, beautiful grand babies, very successful and wealthy, very supportive and loving family.his whole family had gone on a trip and he had stayed behindwhen they returned they found him and he had shot himself in the head. I am so sad to hear this because he was in such a dark and painful space to kill himself and having his family find him I hope he found the relief and peace he was seeking. Suicide of my friends dad",Suicidal +7277,"I am thinking about ending it all. This life is too full of sadness and pain. I just do not see the point it trying to continue. I do not have the strength, energy or will to be in this world anymore. I just see darkness ahead of me. I want it to end",Suicidal +7278,"I need to go soon but I am a pussy of course. Is this if done correctly, will this be fast, successful and fairly painless? I cannot keep pushing on it feels like my soul is being burned slowly to increase the suffering. Is the exit bag the least painful?",Suicidal +7279,"Do you think if you were born in another era, you would be happier? Different time period",Suicidal +7280,"I do not want to be normal and face all the expectations for a normal person, because I know I cannot fulfill them. Am I the only one? I do not want to recover",Depression +7281,"does anyone know how i can make it the next couple of days. I am basically all by myself for the first time ever and single after 8 years because i suspected my partner of cheating with some barely legal teenage girl. my mom says i should start feeling a lot better after a few days when the initial shock of everything wears off, so how can i get myself to survive until then? i have a lot of other mental health issues and trauma, and that coupled with something like this is just pushing me over the edge advice please",Suicidal +7282,"Hi, I am 17 years old, and for the past year or two I have been going through this cycle with jobs and consistency. I always want to change for the better and help out my mom and start caring for myself more and more, so i eat good for a day- a week, start to develop my hygiene again, run daily, and then ill just stop. i cannot stay consistent with it at all. even with things i enjoy like video games, music, i cannot stay consistent with producing content on these things. But my number one problem is work. I cannot help my mom because of my mental health, and it feels so damn disabling. Its been about 7+ jobs where ill go through this whole process, go the first day or maybe not even show up to the interview and never go back. Why? I do not know, I feel afraid socially and the thoughts of the 8 hours of work drains me, back to back days on top of it. But I do not understand why I cannot be like other people and just go and get it over with. I cannot do that, it feels like I would rather die before go in again, and that is how I feel right now, 12 hours before my second ever shift at a new job. I thought things would be different this time, as I did every other time but I was wrong. Please, someone help me out her Its happening again",Depression +7283,"I can bet nobody's going to read this or see this at all. And I can also predict that if somehow, miraculously it does, people will become ""concerned"" over me, despite not knowing me and my demons and sins in the slightest, claiming that they know better and that this stupid excuse of ""life"" is worthwhile when of course, it is not. &#x200B;everyone is stuck in their own labyrinth they have built for themselves, and have had others built too. The fucking inane pointless childish and fickle way that this universe decides to rule over ""life"" and manage it is sickening and embarrassing. &#x200B;There is no damn use for it at all, and I despise every single aspect of it. &#x200B;We are only united by our ignorance, and that is all. &#x200B;every passing day it is become increasingly apparent, yet harder somehow to see. &#x200B;>!there is one thing for certain, and that is when I die, the sleeping dragon within me will be set free and will bring retribution at last to everything in its wake. it is just a matter of time, no more, no less, and we are all wandering the same paths aimlessly of our own delusions and grandeur.!< &#x200B;Everything once remembered will be forgotten. &#x200B;Everything once made will fall, and so will I. &#x200B;For That day, I will no longer be weak, as my life will fade away into the dust from when we once came. All I ask is for no responses or votes please. &#x200B;Let this fall into the void I will eventually have to jump into or fall alongside this abomination I am. This post does not matter, nor do I.",Suicidal +7284,"I am so upset I am circumcised. I am upset I never got the choice. I am upset I had to get a cosmetic complication fixed at 13 which was because the first circumcision as a baby was not done right, so I could clean properly and the trauma that caused to get it fixed.I should have been left natural. I am upset that I am missing sensation and pleasure from sex that uncircumcised guys get to feel. At least I should be grateful I still can have sex.But I am just so upset that my body was carved into before I could consent and have permanently altered genitals that I wish were left alone.And I have nowhere to go because people mock me that I am upset about it. I am even going to get people mocking me here I know it but where else do I go?I wish I was born in a country other than America. That way I would still have my bodily autonomy intact and not violated.Fuck humanity for this shit. I am depressed and nobody cares.",Depression +7285,"Everytime I go on this subreddit, I cannot help but feel like I am just being a whiny brat. Everyone else has some truly terrible things that happened to them. I can understand why they want to do something like this, but me? I just dealt with bullies all throughout elementary school and was molested for a bit when I was ten. I should still be functional by all accounts.And yet, I am starting to fail out of school because I was a lazy shit all throughout the year who panicked at the prospect of talking to people and slept all day. I am just wasting everyone is time and money at this point. I do not really know why I am still here. Maybe it is time to quit before I can disappoint anyone else even more than I already have. I already know I am not going to see my late twenties, so why not end early? Overreactions",Suicidal +7286,"I have wonderful friends, a job I enjoy while working with people I grew up with, a perfect and loving boyfriend, a psychiatrist, counselor, and doctor that I see frequently. I work so hard to get myself out of where I am, but every time I am stable, I crash. Panic attack. Bad dream. Anniversaries come when I am not ready. There are so many people working to help me be better. I am trying so hard, but no matter what I do, something flips over in my head. I am happy, then suddenly I cannot even move. I cannot even find the strength to brush my teeth, do the bare minimum. In minutes, I am rendered entirely useless. I feel pathetic. I do not understand why I cannot fight it. Everyone keeps telling me that I am so strong. Why cannot I beat it? I fall down every time, and nornal seems so far away.I do not want to stop trying, but I am scared of when I cannot find it in me to do even that. The bare minimum. No matter how much I am pulled up, I slip",Depression +7287,God this world is just fucked with the economy making it so hard for poor people to become wealthy and terrible rich people staying rich by garbage companies that we cannot stop supporting because we need their products I do not want to become an adult and have to live in this cesspool and no major political people do shit because they are shit I cannot do shit because I am a failure AH FUCK MAN. the longer I go the more I come to reality that maybe this is it Ill just have to get over it and become another worker in a society that does not care and instead idolizes human garbage. do what you love and enjoy life while I do not hate people who say that and instead wish them the best for wanting to do what they love its just impossible to do what you enjoy without having this huge fucking wall that stops you because ironically you need money to do. We have a whole planet to explore and even the whole solar system and other major discoveries waiting to be found and yet were stopped by stupid people that cannot get over the fact that someone is not the same race sexuality or gender as them. And here I am on Reddit ranting about a dogshit world because that is all I can do its too difficult to have a voice in this world so all I can do is post on a subreddit that probably will not even get noticed. Fuck this world man This world is so shit but we cannot do anything about it,Suicidal +7288,Help me feel better. I thought Id be long gone by now. Its inhibited me from moving on with my life. I am 21 and quarantine kicked me out of school so I am stuck with my thoughts. Who else thought they would be gone by now and how did you manage the future that you thought you would never have? Who here thought they would be gone by 14? 16? 18? How do we progress?,Depression +7289,"Sometimes i feel better for about a week, and then i just get depressed again. And when i mean feel bettee i more or less mean uncomfortable. Its so out of the blue and i just wonder why i suddenly feel stable and then i question so much. Its not really feeling better. I honestly do not know what it is, but i do not like it. I mean i cleaned my room at least. Man this sucks! I hate when i feel better for a few days then fall right back into it",Depression +7290,"My girlfriend F[16] Attempted to OD intentionally. Luckily I contacted the police and they were able to get to her on time, she is in the hospital right now. I do not know how to cope, I keep imagining her lifeless in a casket and I break down harder and harder. I do not want to be selfish and prevent her from the help she needs. I just do not know what to do moving forward. She cuts, she has several clinically diagnosed mental health disorders, her family situation sucks, and she is ran away from home several times already. I try my best to be there for her, I am just lost right now. My girlfriend attempted suicide today.",Suicidal +7291,Do you regret not committing suicide? For all the people who wanted to kill themselves but never did it. Did your life improved?,Suicidal +7292,"life is boring, I am not doing anything interesting, or memorable whatsoever. sucks that my first year of highschool was wasted too. tbh this whole thing has taken over my life because when anything little goes wrong i think abt killing myself and i think abt sh and all that very often and I am literally never happy anymore. also sucks that my parents are not understanding at all so not like i could tell them (believed stupid sh lie and my mom was denying it like not my daughter and i have no way of getting help and i know people get trauma from going to mental facilities so i know i cannot tell anyone so I am kind of stuck staying miserable lol like a dead end and I have accepted the fact that I am just a lesson for people who did not see my signs or whatever (not really blaming them for not seeing them tho lol) honestly i know I am wasting my teen years away",Suicidal +7293,I have had suicidal thought idk if that is a sign of sadness or depression ? Can someone help Am I depressed or just sad?,Depression +7294,"Did your life improved after deciding not to kill your self? To all the people who wanted to kill himself but did not, did your life improved after?",Suicidal +7295,"Anyone else feel this way? I am beyond blessed but it took a while to get here. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression. I am about to child of an immigrant to America and my father was born in the USA. He passed in 95 of a heroin overdose and my mother is still an alcoholic. Same story as everyone else: green up in foster care, aged out, kind of found my way, found a phenomenal husband, great career and I still can help but think about suicide daily. I have no active plans or thoughts but some days are just so damn difficult lt to proceed. I want to die, but I do not",Suicidal +7296,"It is almost time for my final tour. It kind of reminds of when I inititially tried to do this vacation almost 18 months ago. I was supposed to go on this trip in March of 2020. I was to leave on a Saturday, and on Friday I had to cancel because everything, including the hotels shut down. I had to cancel the day before my trip, actually day of, as I was on the phone for that long trying to cancel and recoup everything. Now, here I am, about to head on the tour I was supposed to have, and 2 days before I am about to leave, all mandates are back on. I am not against this at all. It is just funny, that the eve I am about to go again, and all things are on the verge of being cancelled. I waited till everything opened, to make sure I could do everything, and what do I get for my patience. The eve before I am to go, mandates back on.I think I said this in the first post, but regardless of whether this trip happens or not, I am killing myself. And if I cannot go, it makes sense, since it will be exactly how my entire life has been, with dissapointment. If I can go, I guess I can just sit in my hotel room alot. Go out get food, to bring back to my room, and eat it cold. Makes sense actually. Fits my life.So close, but never quite there. If I go, if I do not, by the end of August, I would say read my obituary, but there will not be one, or if there is, it will just be, he lived... and now he is not. I cannot begin to tell you how angry, unhappy and frustrated this news makes me. Maybe a good time would get me out of my funk, bit its just more dissapointment. Think I would be used to it by now. This one just stings me alot more. My whole body feels empty now. it is like, you know when you are really hungry, and you stomach feels like it is sucking inside you, my whole body feels like that. My arms, legs, toes, fingertips. Everything on me feels empty, and it is a weird and uncomfortable sensation. I am almost tingling, but not good tingling, tingling that is excruciating. And it is not painful. it is all in my head.Fuck my life man. Fuck my fucking life. Forever unhappy .04",Suicidal +7297,"Now I am stuck and I have to do a job that does not give a living wage and keep paying my bills till the day a die. I would rather quit. I am 20 and deciding living upto 70 to experience this shit sucks. People have kids only so that they can have someone to take care of when they are old. The world is collapsing and I want to collapse with it. I want to see the world burn. I just hope there are no humans on Earth. Covid should mutate and wipe out every human on this planet. Collapsing the society is the only way to save the planet. I asked my mother why she brought me into this cruel world. She said, ""If I did not have kids then the society would shame me.""",Suicidal +7298,"I am between the ages of 11 and 15 (not specifying) and I just feel alone. After my gf broke up with me, I just feel not loved. I know my parents love me but it just does not feel like it. I also have every physical belonging I have ever wanted but I never feel like its enough. I do not want to socialize which means I am never going to find anyone, and I can only talk to a stranger for like 15 minutes and then I just feel really claustrophobic. I just want to die. I feel too young to be this way",Depression +7299,"I have daydreamed about suicide every day since I was 12. I started getting depressed at way younger than that, but I would say the fantasies started around middle school. Back when I was in school I would zone out in class and make all Fs because I was constantly daydreaming. It went all through middle and high school and now that I am an adult with a job I do it at work to. Imagining the goriest death for myself. All throughout my youth I would use chatrooms and forums dedicated to people planning to commit suicide. I really thought I would not make it to 16, but here I am at 21. Ending my own life is the only real dream or goal I have ever consistently had. What am I waiting on? How old am I supposed to be when I do it? I just hope its not much longer What am I waiting for?",Suicidal +7300,Every time I mention that I want to kill myself or that I want to die to people that are close to me I am always met with the there are better days ahead! Think of all the things you have not experienced. I do not know but a part of me just does not care. Like yeah there are beautiful places to explore and countries I have not yet been to butat the end of the daytheyre just countries? they are just places? they are justexperiences? I do not know how to explain it. Its just I do not care anymore. The only thing that is holding me back is my family. And maybe that makes me care but I just do not care about myself. I have not cared about myself for so long and it makes me not care about dying or anything that happens in my life. I just do not want to live. I wish I never existed. there is nothing I want to live for,Suicidal +7301,I have literally no one and I am just so fucking tired. I do not want to be here anymore. I am trying to decide if I should kill myself or not.,Suicidal +7302,"I am tired of people saying, oh, do not die, your life matters! My life has never mattered and in the long run it never will. I work for $8 an hour and all of my friends have moved away. I am single as fuck and I always have been. When I meet new people I put on a smile and fake it, but I am not enjoying hearing about how popular others are, how much money they are making, their amazing careers and no sign of the existentialism that plagues me every day of my miserable life. It must feel good to be like everyone else.I am at my cousins house and she is happily married with an amazing job that pays six figures and she has tons of friends. If I could have a fraction of that life... All I wanted to do was be an artist, and I cannot even do that now. The magic has faded for me. People tell me its not worth it and I should be chasing the money in STEM, where I can do art on the side. I wish they would shut up. I have never had a stroke of good luck in my life and since I was 17 I wished I would die. Seven years later and nothing is better. I hope in the next seven years that I will not exist anymore. The worst part is that I am too chicken to kill myself.None of us really matter in the long run. In 100 years, nobody will remember who you are.",Suicidal +7303,"Okay, I do not know where to start and it is going to be pretty unorganised. And I cannot completely express myself, so most of it is going to end up in my mind again ig, I not sure.I am introvert, antisocial, athiest , logical etc and this personality was not expected by my parents and people around me. they always have been forcing me to change my personality. I want to explain them so hard and with that rage , you know , so that they feel it ig , that let me be what I want and instead of scolding me everyday , shouting and wasting your time , just do not force me to change my personality. I can understand why they want to do that , people here , all neighbours , judge a lot, and they are going to make your life harder in a society if you are not what they wanted, and I have to pretend , which is not enough and always end up getting teased by those extroverts. I want to tell them idgaf about you , I do not want to talk to you, but I cannot.Most of the times especially at the night when I am about to sleep, I start reviewing my day and explain to myself and correct what mistakes people around me made , how stupidly wrong they were , it is not like I am correct, but I do not even have a chance of debate and those people are always wrong. Their comments are always homophobic , sexist, illogical , and it is also about me sometimes, which are generally misleading and wrong, even of my parents , they scold me for wrong reasons most of the time and the explanation I have , which might have / will change their mind ends up in my mind.it is not just about home , even in school , I am so shy , I am not able to answer anything or justify myself and end up getting scolded for reasons I was not supposed to.Some people might say just speak what is on your mind , how hard is it? , Damn it is hard for me , and I am not sure why , everytime I take a long breath to talk , I end up exhaling it and not talk anything. I seriously forget words , it is like blood instead of rushing to my brain, is rushing to my legs and arms and asking me for flight than fight. So most of the times I am like , I cannot do anything now , I do not care , I will just move on, but at night I realise how it is going to affect my life and I am like why did not I do that, why did not I say that and get depressed everytime. I am sure that I am going to struggle my entire life and end up destroying opportunities and just imagine how my life would have been better. I am lonely , never been in a relationship and have few online friends which is another source of depression and there are more things . Sorry if I have been just repeating topics also it was not as interesting and thank you if you read all of this . Idk why am I sharing this , idc about upvotes, It is just like when I am explaining about how wrong people were about the concepts , to myself, which does makes me somewhat happy ig ,but I end up in depression again , bc that is not going to happen. It always ends up in my mind.",Depression +7304,"I look ugly, I suck at everything, I always fuck everything up, I have no talent (I cannot sing, cannot dance, cannot draw, etc), I just keep getting yelled at and I have an annoying voice. Hell, I do not have friends, nobody loves me, I am single (and I am most likely going to die alone). Why I am I still here? I do not have any redeeming qualities.",Suicidal +7305,"Posting here mostly as a last resort since I feel like I bother others when I talk about my depression. I am a 23 years old girl and feel like a loser. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, which was made worse when I was a teenager due to drug use/excessive drinking, being sexually assaulted, and briefly working as a sex worker although in a pretty sketchy way. I feel like no one cares. I feel like my friends do not really give a shit about me or would not care if I was not around. I feel like my band sucks even though I put so much of myself into it. I feel like people think I am stupid. I fear I may actually just be stupid. I feel unremarkable, worthless. I have not attempted suicide in many years but sometimes I feel I am getting there again. I feel unhappy in my relationships and I think the problem is and always will be me. I try DBT and am on antidepressants. Any advice is appreciated. 23 yo really depressed and feel lost.",Depression +7306,"I have been on various antidepressants for over a decade now (since i was 13) and cannot remember what a life without them ever feels like. i have diagnosed GAD and depression and have only recently started considering the negative effects that medication may be contributing to my life: chronic fatigue, lack of excitement or motivation, lowered libido etc...over this entire time I have been in therapy (CBT, talk therapy, somatic) and have accrued some new skills.I am incredibly intrigued by what i could be like without medication but am also absolutely terrified about what that could look like given my diagnosis and family history.what have your experiences been going off medication and instead using natural or lifestyle changes to deal with your diagnosed mental illness? what is your experience being unmedicated after being on anti depressants?",Depression +7307,"Is there anyone on this sub-reddit who ran from their problems? When you were younger and then it overwhelmed you until you became suicidal? My biggest regret is not facing my fears and problems. Like if I would have dealt with my problems when I was younger, I would be OK with my life. I never did until now, but the consequences of running is almost impossible to live with. I do not want to die without trying to win; I might not have enough time to have a life that satisfies me. If anyone can relate, I would like to read about it. Running from problems",Suicidal +7308,i adopted a kitten hoping if i could live for something and something could live for me id be happy but I am so sad.. so so sad. i told everyone it made me happy (they helped pay for them)but it did not i just feel more stressed out i cannot see a away out of this i have to take care of them now i cannot leave them or anything I have always been like this i cannot see a future were i could be happy. i just spewing my sadness out i doubt anyone comes to this place. i thought getting a kitten would make me happy,Suicidal +7309,"I am 23, virgin, dropped out of college, most likely will end up dropping out of my diploma that I sought for 5 years (depression really makes it impossible to concentrate) basically I am a failure in every singe way imaginable.My parents kept telling me to kill myself and how much of a worthless burden I am everyday ever since I was 12 and even knowing it probably was not true (it is now though) a part of me did believe it and it just kind of adda up.I have been thinking about suicide everyday, when I am bored I fantasize about dying and I cannot take it anymore. My parents think I am lazy, good for nothing and will probably kick me out on the streets soon.My head literally hurts, I often feel a tight knit in my chest and I have lost my appetite for a few months. I have also lost two cats in a short span of time because I was weak myself (could not afford a doctor and parents to save a few bucks took them to a cheap back alley doctor). I truly did love the cats more than anything and would have done absolutely anything in my pathetic power. They trusted me, loved me more than my scumbag parents and guess what, they are dead.I feel like a walking destructive force that will destroy anything and everything around me including myself (but clearly not enough). I am also afraid of holding others back and hurting them, wasting their time on my miserable self.When the fuck does it get better? I have been listening to it for a decade, can it even get better? it is such snake oil bullshit. I cannot even kill myself because either it is painful, too complicated or involves potentially traumatizing others (like jumping in front of a train).How do people live such hollow husk of lives? Can someone suggest an easy enough way to end my life? I would strangle myself as a baby if I could I just want to fucking disappear. I am so sorry, I just feel so helpless and think I have managed to fuck my life up beyond repair. It does not get better does it?",Suicidal +7310,I do not know. I am too tired to type a long paragraph. I want loosing weight to be over with. I can feel the fat all over my body. The feeling of so much food in my stomach feels disgusting and dirty. I just want the cycle to stop and I want to hit the goal weight I have been trying to reach for 3 years. I was 4 pounds away and now I just feel disgusting. If I binge one more time I am killing myself.,Suicidal +7311,"psa. i do not expect a response. i would not know what to say to me either, i just needed to share something i am a piece of shit. i am just a pos. i do not want to be alive, i do not want to live. what is so fucking great about it anyway. you work everyday till you die, you will probably endure more things that make you want to slit your wrists instead of smile. i just think its dumb. everything is just dumb. I am dumb, I am so fucking stupid its not even funny. I am so fucking fucked i just want to lynch myself. i do not want to be here, fuck all of you, i just want to find someone my age attractive. i am so tired of having a bf 7yrs older than me when I am only 16, i feel fucking disgusting about it but hes the only person I have met in over a year that makes me feel anything. i think my ex really messed me up. why do men do that, think they can bang you whenever they want just because you are they are girlfriend. honestly i want to kill my ex, i hope everything he did to me happens to him & i hope he rots in a tin fucking can for weeks, i know it would not make things better but so what, LMAO funny shit eh. i do not want to be alive. i do not want to be alive. 6 miserable years not a day without telling myself i should end my life. not a fucking day free from it. i am going fucking insane its day after day after fucking day wishing something would change & it does not. it does not get better. it will not get better i am tired do not take me seriously",Depression +7312,The worst feeling is having all of these emotions bottled up and not being able to release them. I am drowning and it hurts so bad. I just want to cry,Depression +7313,I am too depressed to kill myself I do not have the strength to get out of bed and start projects to try and keep my mind off my mind. I am just putting back suicide to help my girlfriend not lose a loved one. Geeze,Suicidal +7314,"Fuck I wish I was not so much of a damn coward about it, so many times I wish I could get it over with.Just do not really want to put my mom through that, also do not want to risk my school loans being dumped on her--do not entirely trust that my own death would be the end of it.I always chastise myself about feeling like this, that my stupid issues are not anything compared to the suffering many go through.Yet that logic goes out the window when stress causes my anxiety to feel like it is ripping and clawing at my throat. That for everything I try to do to actually be useful to others almost always seems to backfire one way or another, like a constant reminder that I am always going to be worthless, that it is the punishment I deserve for even being born.That it is my own fault for even trying in the first place. Or my own fault for not being able to ignore the pain in my back and knees more so I could push myself to just fucking do better. I mean why should I care if I ruin my body now? I barely expected myself to make it this far, to live this long. I mean eventually even cowardice will reach its own breaking point I imagine. Constant reminders of failure and uselessness ramming against the dam will because it to shatter at some point. A meaningless existence like mine is surely destined to fizzle out soon enough. I just wish my death would not be as much of a burden as my life has been.How nice it would be to just pop away, to erase my debts and traces of my life as if I was never here to begin with. I know so many people fear the very idea of the end. But at this point I am either numb to the aspect of it or almost in a way dream of that time finally coming. I mean I could remember a time dreaming of what it might be like to finally be better, to find the joy and wonders of life--which I mean I can appreciate and all, but there is also this sort of tarnish that constantly smudges everything when you have to live like this. That nothing can ever be good for too long. That things that bring you down have to roll over again and again until you just stop fighting and just become the punching bag that everything seems to zero in on. And maybe that is what the idea of death inviting in it is own way. That once you enter that dark abyss there just is not anything anymore. No terrible things to constantly remind you of how worthless you are, no good things that always perks up that joy and hope no matter how in vain you know it is, just waiting for them to be ripped away again like they always are.Just a peaceful empty where I can fade away into nothing, where I can stop being a burden to everyone around me. But until then I guess I will just have to stick to dreaming. A mistake of a life",Suicidal +7315,"There is someone very close to me with depression and i have no idea how to respond when they vent to me, I have never been good with handling other peoples feelings and I do not want them to think I am dismissing their feelings, I really do care about them and I feel bad when they trust me enough to vent and I am just speechless. Any help is appreciated! How do I comfort someone when they vent to me?",Depression +7316,are not your teen years supposed to be more interesting? feels like I am wasting them lmao life is so boring,Suicidal +7317,"I do not like where I am at in this point of my life. I do not even like looking at myself anymore. I feel uncomfortable with looking at myself. I am so stressed from everything going on at home. I do not want to be here to live through it. Its kind of a pussy move, but I am over it. I had confidence - and now its being taken away from me again. I do not have the energy to cry either . I just want to go to sleep.I know I make these posts like all the time but its like I cannot do anything for myself anymore. I do not want to look at myself. I hate myself. If there were any easy way to kill myself I probably would have already been dead. But there is never the right pills, blades never sharp enough, no where reliable to hang myself I want to kill myself",Depression +7318,"So I have literally not done an entire course's worth of work and I am most likely going to fail this semester if I cannot turn in the homework by the end of this week, but I have not worked on it even a littleI do not understand why I cannot get anything done and yet I continue to do it, I always am just in time for appointments, just in time to get to work, and barely late for assignments. I cannot seem to get a foothold no matter how hard I try to, because no matter what I am barely scraping by. I have no free time because the rest of it is filled with worry.I work part time and do school full time, and it makes me want to die, not only literally but figuratively as well. I can literally feel the pain in my soul when I put off the assignment, the quiz, the test, and eventually, the class. It hurts so goddamn much you would not believe, but then I go ahead and just do it to myself again.I see it as something almost akin to climate change, as depressing as that sounds. Like the worst part about this inescapable loop, is that it is inherently completely avoidable if I simply did the work. But I cannot bring myself to do it so I do not know what to do, and every second of inaction is another assignment missing, so I am watching my possibilities burn with fear as I stand like a deer in the headlights. &#x200B;I am powerless to my inability to work and I cannot strive nor see myself striving to do anything other than work. Help I am going to fail my classes, lose my housing, and my life",Depression +7319,So I am 15m I was in foster care for around 10 years have had depression for 2 years and nothing goes my way like say there is one thing that can make you happy for a long time and someone else got that and then that just fucks your day yeah that just happened to me my depression come mainly from family and life in general like I always really wanted a pc but my family cannot afford it and I know that then my brothers gfs family gave him a free pc and not going to lie shit like this always seems to happen to me and I am so close to killing myself i hate my self and I hate my life like seeing other people happy just makes me feel worse and I hate it like there a feeling in my stomach that just feels like shit when someone sends me something good that has happened to them especially when its family or someone I know I just want to die I want to kill my self and I am so close to doing it,Depression +7320,"my brother has not spoken to our mother in over 10 years and he just started speaking(texting) to me again after ghosting me for 3 years. I was listening to music and a song came on that always made me think of our family situation. I did not think he would even listen or reply but he did and he sent me back a song that must have been on his heart with the situation and knowing that is how he feels breaks my heart. Growing up we were abused. When he would be the one on the receiving end of the abuse it always broke me to see my big, strong, charismatic, athletic brother have such a deep sadness but the kind you can only recognize if you have felt the same way. No tears or screaming..just brokenness. I have recovered from my childhood very well considering. However that small interaction with my brother the other day has really brought back a lot of feelings. I adore my brother while on the other hand I have made the decision to forgive our mother and that is something that will always put a strain on our relationship. We went from being so so close to now me having a 2.5y/o he is never even met even though I have invited him many times. He also agreed to come meet her on her birthday and canceled 20min before he was supposed to be here. He told me that the only way he feels like he can be okay is to be independent and prove to himself he does not need anyone. Me on the other hand feels like in order for me to be okay i need to hug my brother and tell him i love him and see him be an uncle to my baby :( so basically I have been crying since monday and thinking about how i do have unresolved anger towards our mom and maybe i need to talk to her about how i feel, but I have felt fine with everything for awhile until finding out how hurt my brother still is a vent post, triggering convo w/ brother",Depression +7321,"All I have to do is browse the reddit comments. ""You look like mom's neck beard basement dweller"", ""I would date your second chin"". And I think that some of these ""roasts"" could apply to me. I am a woman. I have been told I am attractive. I think I am. I only weigh 110 lbs and I am 5'6"". But I still have excess weight I gained after losing a pregnancy and being put on birth control. So the double chin comment really gets to me. Everytime I see a negative comment, I think about how my closest friends could say or think the same thing about me. Especially since one of my closer guy friends is a guy I crushed on, recently told and got rejected by in the nicest way possible. I have trust issues. I sometimes think I am not as great as I think I am in the moment. That my friends are internally roasting me in their heads while I look like an egotistical, arrogant, a-hole. Thank you for coming to my ted talk. Today's been rough. I have been struggling with suicidal ideation ever since I flirted with my guy friend again and made things akward. It seemed like he was flirting at first but I think I misperceived the intent in his speech and screwed up again. there is more to this story but I do not want to get into it. I cannot tell if I am overthinking, paranoid and waiting for betrayal or if my intuition is on to some things. So I deacti everything. I am staying away. I personalize insults aimed at other people then want to die.",Depression +7322,At first I thought it was normal to not feel anything to hate myself ect then when I was about 6-9 I became suicidal which was when I got the idea of it so I did not tell anyone Am I the only one here? I have been depressed for all my life,Depression +7323,"I feel like I have always had one sided friendships. like I am always the one who puts in all the work. And it sucks because it used to hurt less. When I was a kid, before I moved for the first time, friendships were easy. My best friend lived a few houses down and wed have sleepovers all the time. we did not have phones so we would talk and hangout during recess and on the weekends. and then I moved. and I was the weird new kid. it took me three years to make friends. and just when I started to fit in, we moved again. and again, I was the weird new kid. I would somehow find my way into friend groups that were already established. but because they would known each other forever, they never included me in anything. because I was not really one of them. I bounced around friend groups for 3 years. until I met the new weird girl. we bonded over how shitty moving was and we made fast friends. we are still best friends more than 10 years later. we made our own friend group and it was nice. but she graduated 2 years before I did. and the year after she left, my friend group changed. we took in two freshman that seemed to hate me for no other reason than I was the defacto leader. they thought they were hot shit and gossiped and lied and turned my friends against me. except one. and I was... okay. I had other friends and spent time on the sidelines in their friend groups. but then they all graduated. or moved. and it was just me and a school full of people who either hated me or did not know I existed. I was facing senior year alone and with the worst schedule I had ever seen a senior have. so I dropped out. cut off all my hair. attended the local community college to get my GED. kept my head down mostly. did not really make friends. after I got my GED I kept taking classes. nothing in particular, just general stuff. edged my way into more friend groups. again, they never made plans with me. but I was used to it. I did my own thing. and I was ok. I had a job then. and a semi decent boyfriend. I wasted two years in college and never got enough credits to even really count as half a year. dropped out. lost all my school friends when I stopped going to school. worked and spent time with my boyfriend. life was good I had my best friend who hung out with me all the time, a good job, and a semi decent boyfriend. and then we broke up. and my parents moved. so I moved. in with a man twice my age in a state id never been to. and he went to work in Alaska. left me alone in a house with four animals to look after, a job that gave me four hours a week and a freezer full of burritos. i made one friend that was a good friend. kept me company when I needed it. washed my dishes if I made him food. took me out places. he was probably the only reason I am still alive. then the man who is house I lived in came back. I somehow managed to get back with my ex in that time and I moved with my parents to another state id never been in. the friend who would saved me stopped texting. stopped responding. after six months of no friends and no job, I moved back to my ""hometown"" to be with my boyfriend. who kicked me out in less than a month. so I lived with my sister. and her two kids, husband and fil. slept on a cot in my niece's room. eventually broke up with my boyfriend. worked too many hours in a job that sucked and did not have time or money to make friends. in a desperate move, I moved in with a new partner. to a different state. this one I would at least visited. I got a job. we had nice roommates. everything was nice. until my partner had a mental breakdown. moved out. left me alone where I could not afford the rent. so I moved across the country, back to my parents. where I live still. I have been here for two years. no job. a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and one friend. that never reaches out if I do not reach out first. never wants to spend time with me unless I ask. and suddenly I am back in middle school. a depressed fuck with no real friends, no motivation and a the biggest wish to have never existed in the first place. shitty friends are the worst. I do not even try anymore. I do not want to try anymore. I want to fade into the background until no one remembers I ever existed. If you are reading this, know that I do not want to die. I do not want to stop living. my death would be too painful to people I care about. I would never do that to them. but if a genie came to me and gave me one wish, I would ask to have never been born. obviously, there is a lot more going on that fuels my depression but this is the most prevalent right now. Rant. Down in my feels tonight. it is a long one.",Depression +7324,"Before I really wanted to be happy, i know it is not just something you can get but i was tired of being depressed all the time. At this point, I do not even want to be happy anymore. It seems like too much of a mess and too much effort for something that will not even last. I feel like i have already tried so many times to be happy, and none of them worked. Even when I have people that love me, friends, hobbies, life still seemed so shit. Is this just it? At some point i just stopped attempting and accepted that I will never be happy with my life. The only way i see an end to this is suicide, but I am just too scared to do that either. I also know that i will hurt some people if i do die, and in the end, i just feel like I am trapped here with nowhere to go. It makes it all the more frustrating that i hate being here but i cannot just kill myself . I feel like i do not even want to be happy anymore. I just want to die instead of doing anything else.",Depression +7325,I do not know why but whenever I try to get better I always find more self destructive habits and find new things about myself that I am disgusted and disappointed by and I would have killed myself by now if it was not for knowing what guilt I would leave with my family but now I am thinking that it is the only way out of this sick and disgusting world I guess I am Here again,Suicidal +7326,"I know I am just 20 years old, but ever since these depressive episode started when I was 16 it is only getting worst. Yesterday I lived the worst day of this entire year when I found my cat dead in the kitchen. He was everything to me and he was just one year old. I am unemployed, no one wants to hire me, I do not have friends, my mom does not accept my sexuality or anything I do because she is very religious, I do not have dreams for my life, I do not know what I want to do, I am hopeless, everyday I wonder why I am still alive My life is only getting worst",Depression +7327,"I am a piece of shit. a horrible friend, a horrible son and a horrible brother. My whole family is tired of my shit. I tried to explain to my mom how i felt about a lot of things in my childhood and i was too harsh. Over the past couple of months I have realized that this whole time she is been a caring and supporting mother.....I am just a piece of shit. I do not help her out financially, or in the house even though she has a condition that has made her visually impaired. I have become this sad looser 23 year old that lives with his mom and just stays in his room in a pit of my own fantasies and self pity........I have been thinking that I am a narcissist and I am now seeing the effects of all of that on my family. They loose more respect for me as the days go by. They say everything is fine but i know they are just trying to be polite. I am a bum. they all no it and none of them like to be around me. I forget important things about their life and barely take care of them or show them love. I have been in a spiral for a while and its heading its peak. The only thing i can do on this fucking earth now is to take care of my mom try to get a good job to support her and that is the only reason I am still here. I am disorganzied, distracted, lazy. I genuinly think my famile would better and more stable if i died. They will not have to look at me being a dissapointment everyday. try to rely on me as family should and me fail everytime, be a burden to them. I cannot keep doing this to them. I am tired of failing at being a functioning social human everyday. I should die and set them free. Or is this just some shitty cowardly way out for me to absole all responsibility...................god I am a piece of shit. I have fallen so far down the rabbit hole and i think I am just going to let myself fall",Suicidal +7328,I just want to die what do I do??? Depression,Depression +7329,"I live with my dad and he does not love me, hes been threatening to kick me out since i was 12. I am still under 18 for a few years so i cannot even move out yet. I told my mom I am angry at her for leaving me with him and for even giving birth to me and she compared me to my dad. my siblings all moved out a long time ago and barely talk to me. Noone ever helps me. I am tired of being told to stick around for a while and it will get better. I am tired. I have been looking for ways of painless suicide and the only thing i can find is locking myself in my running car in the garage or finding a big cliff somewhere and jumping I regret being born",Suicidal +7330,"I am currently 16 5'3"" right now and if I do not grow any inches then I guess there is no point in living. I mean why would I want to live as a short guy until I die. Fuck that. I am going to kill myself on June 8, 2023, if I am still short.",Suicidal +7331,"I have been laying in bed all day. i do not have the energy to eat and i have not done anything but stare at my phone for the last 12 hours. i do not really care about myself a whole lot and i cannot muster up the energy to climb out of this depressive spiral right now. i do not feel like i have anyone in real life to talk to about this. any advice would be appreciated. [m19] feeling emotionally numb, do not know what to do.",Depression +7332,"Close my eyes and count to ten Ill feel blank like way back whenClose my eyes and count to ninebring back memories of when you were mineClose my eyes and count to eight Reminiscence of that first date Close my eyes and count to sevenI only wish Id end up in heaven Close my eyes and count to six I wish this problem was easy to fixClose my eyes and count to five I feel as though I am on the edge about to dive Close my eyes and count to four Think about how you walked out that doorClose my eyes and count to three Back when it was just you and me Close my eyes and count to twoI really guess we are through Close my eyes and count to one I guess that is it I am finally done I wrote this poem, interpret it how you will",Depression +7333,"This evening, like 2 hours ago, I planned my suicide. I planned where I was going to do it, and a few days ago I planned the day that i was going to do it (this friday). But almost 30 minutes ago after I washed my face and cleaned my hair, i feel amazing about myself. This happens EVERY DAY. I get really suicidal because I loose my plans for the future, and because I am very self conscious about my looks, to the point where I have tried to cut my nose to make it look better (but failed). This lasts for about 90 percent of the day, but then at around 10 percent of the day (usually occurring at night) I feel like I am beautifal and that I feel amazing about myself (but I still do not see my future for myself as I lost most of my hopes and hobbies but that does not make me feel any less worst during those times of the day). I have been diagnosed with depression before, but I lied to my therapist because I did not want to get in trouble with my parents and told her I was ok, so in her and my parents eyes it looks to me that I am getting a ton better, (they think I am doing better because I get hella good grades and the best grades out of all my siblings despite having depression) but I am not. My suicidal tendencies have gotten worst this month, and this month I have gotten EXTREME low self esteem from seeing others on social media. Does anyone know what is going on? I need help like rn.",Suicidal +7334,"-a greeting to family and friends-apologize for doing this without getting help first or reaching out to try to fix this-try to explain the reasons for my actions-confess any secrets-instructions for what to do after my death (no funeral, moving on etc.-t",Suicidal +7335,Moved high schools when the whole pandemic thing was at its worst. due to restrictions it made it very hard to make friends. slipped deeper into my depression and now I am just so lonely and its so embarrassing eating lunch alone. i am dreading next school year so much as with restrictions lifted it will be even more apparent I am a loner. i wish this was just a bad dream and i was happy :( Having no friends sucks so much.,Depression +7336,"I have never really felt like I belonged or that anyone really cared about me. My family is very bad at showing affection, praise or even attention. As a child, my parents were too busy working and raising my younger siblings to give me the attention I needed. Fast forward and all my high school friends abandoned me for their significant others. I was the only one who was not in a relationship. there is a reason I do not talk to them anymore. When I turned 21, I met my future wife. We dated for 5 years before I proposed. We married and after 3 years, she wanted out. She lost her attraction to me was her reasoning. She left me in our home and she took our child with her. The only living creature that ever gave me unconditional love was my dog. She was really my only friend the year after my child was born. My wife withheld affection and intimacy from me when I asked for it. I had to put my dog to sleep because she had an inoperable tumor on her heart. After that, I had no one and its where I am today. I am fearful that when I start dating again, I am going be afraid of rejection or possible abandonment. Trust is very hard to come by for me and I am socially anxious to begin with. I just feel so worthless and beat down by life. I guess even when everyone around you knows how severe your depression is, they do not care enough to try and help. Feeing abandoned by everyone",Depression +7337,"that is it. I feel helpless, desperate and hopeless. My hair is damaged & weak because I am stressing out, I am stressing about not being stressed enough, I want to be busy. I do not want to feel like this ever again. I cannot live anymore. My hard work will never pay off, so I am giving up.Fuck this shit, why only me? From now onwards, I will never do anything. I will never work hard, I will never practice, I will not give a fuck about my career and future. The toll that all of this has taken on me is that now I feel happiness only when I think about suicide. No pain, no sufferings, No worries, nothing. I give up.",Depression +7338,At the point I am at in life I could not really care if I die in 1 hour or a few days. My life over the past month has just been getting worse and worse which fueled by alcohol do not help. I still care about those around me but I do not see the point towards why I am here and why I have to be here. It just seems pointless and a waste of time and seems like a form of punishment. Just feel shitty and do not care anymore,Depression +7339,But not till tomorrow? You got a new phone and do not have my number? You should have reached out? What the ACTUAL fuck?What does that even mean?I have told you what I want.Over.And over.And over.If you want to break up with me just fucking do it.Because I am about to do it.I cannot fucking do this anymore.I have fucking had enough.you are treating me like shit.I mean it when I said that on your voicemail.You fucking are.And I am sick of it.How am I supposed to sleep? you have just put my anxiety through the roof.But you do not give a shit.I have treated you like a precious diamond and then you just sweep me under the rug like dirt.I cannot believe I fucking trusted you.I am so fucking hurt.So. Fucking. Hurt.Let me die alone.You should see the thoughts going through my head.I cannot do this anymore. We need to talk,Suicidal +7340,"I am 25 years old and I have never had a girlfriend, had sex, ben on a date, kissed, held hands, been touched by, been asked out, etc. I graduated college last May. At my on campus job I became friends with a girl who I eventually fell head over heels in love with.I have been in love with her since 2018. Was rejected and ghosted in 2020. She texted me last year to say hi, I answered and she never answered me back. I cry constantly and have been grieving every day for 3 years.The pain from never being able to be with her has made me suicidal and I have already attempted but failed to hang myself a few times. Its something I have to cope with every day. Its a sickness that never goes away. Its a pain that is not just emotional but physical. Again, I have been dealing with this every single day since fall of 2018.Something this is rooted in is my crush wrote poetry a lot and I bought a copy of a collection she published while we were still friends in 2019. In the collection tehre was a poem about her losing her virginity. Reading that absolutely destroyed me. It kept me awake for days. I could not stand the thought of someone else having sex with someone I loved so dearly and longed to care for so much. One day, she confided in me that her recent ex had been physically abusing her. More pain. Id fantasize about having sex with her but it would not help. I just imagined what it would be like if she actually loved me back and was attracted to me.Its getting to the point where everything related to having sex and relationships in general is painful to me. I even am starting to experience sexual dysfunction: I do not get aroused as easily amd I can no longer watch pornography because it upsets me to see people being intimate because it makes me jealous and depressed that the is something I have never experienced before. I hear people talk about their gfs and wives and I get extremely sad.I found out my 20 year old sister lost her virginity months ago and when I did I cried for days. I felt indescribably disgusting and pathetic. I am 25. I should have lost my virginity first. I should have a gf or wife by now. Everything related to sex and relationships makes me violently depressed. It ruins my day.I am so fucking sick of feeling like this. Every time I hear about sex i just think Yep, another person experiencing what Ill never get to experience. Everything and anything related to sex makes me want to kill myself.",Depression +7341,"I am a living fuck up. Physically, mentally, socially, academically, socially .If someone offered me the chance to never have been born and my consciousness to not exist I would take it in a heartbeat, because I know the world would be a better place without me in it. I just wish I was never born. Thinking of doing more years of schooling then working 45 years, being old for 15 then dying makes me sick. Why do I have to live?!! I am so angry and sad all the time. Every day I wake up is filled with fear. Anxiety, anger, and sadness. I wish I could never be born and forget everything",Depression +7342,I am just trying to vibe but i get random urges to cut myself what is that about what is makes me want to cut myself?,Depression +7343,"I have decided that on August 13th, 2021, I will take my own life. I will jump from the top floor of a hospital parking garage. I hope it works. August 13th, 2021",Suicidal +7344,"Burner account for obvious reasons.It is so hard to have to seem like I am alright 24/7. Nobody asks me how I am doing. Nobody reaches out to me first. I could go days without meaningful conversation. My childhood was beyond fucked up. My father killed himself and my mother became addicted to drugs. My siblings and I were neglected. I was molested by another kid in the foster home that I stayed at for 2 months, and told nobody because I was ashamed that it happened to me as a male. My siblings and I stayed with our single grandmother for 2 grueling years until she could not take care of 4 children anymore. She sent my two sisters back into foster care, and for that I cannot blame her. I never got to say goodbye so I feel like they died, and there were suddenly less people who truly understood what I have gone through.I finished my last year of middle school and all of high school constantly hiding my depression. Some days are fine and other days are miserable. However, I never let it show how hopeless I was. When my grandmother and I would fight over the smallest things she took me to therapy for a few weeks of my junior year. She thought I had anger issues, but I truly do not so I got diagnosed with an undeclared mood disorder. I just did not want to open up too random stranger about anything. My uncle asked me once in my freshman or sophomore year of high school if I was depressed and I lied and said no. I have not opened up to anyone because, as a male, people are uncomfortable when we show vulnerability. I hate crying in front of others.COVID robbed me of the rest of my senior year of high school. I lost connection with the friends I was making and some of the friends I had. I have never felt more alone in life now than ever. I cannot remember the last time I left the house to spend time with friends. If I stop reaching out nobody will bother to check and see how I am doing. I live a meaningless life and I am expected to suck it up and work a full time job that I dislike very much. I am uncertain of what career path will help me most in my future. My grandmother ensures me that my time at her home is very limited and that it is not a safety net. I am very sure that I will end up killing myself in the near future. My brother already has bipolar depression, so I am worried that if I end my life he will suffer. I know that everyone else that has been in my life will forget about me soon after. They probably hate how closed off I am, but the primary reason I close myself off is to spare them from the pessimism that I keep inside me day to day. I am not going to burden other people with my suffering. So since I am I coward who cannot kill himself, enjoy the vague, depressing (haha) essay that I typed. I just wanted to get this out here so I feel less alone. do not reach out to me to tell me it gets better. Its a shallow phrase used by people lucky enough to have had people who care enter their life. Good for you. I might never come to check if my post was recognized because I really do not care. I just wanted to vent.Sorry for being self centered here. Sorry if some things made no sense.Sorry for wasting your time.I will not end my life anytime soon, but later most likely. I am 19 and already very tired. Thanks for reading I am going to off myself as soon as I get the courage.",Depression +7345,"I am currently in the middle of my mom and aunts talking about the new covid variant and how there is going to be more lockdowns and schools are going to stay closed and they are all seemingly fine with it. Meanwhile, I am over here freaking out because this is my trigger. I have gone through so much during 2020 and even though I am a relatively strong person, I have relapsed into depression, active suicidal ideation, and self harm as well as terrible sleep schedules (I average on 4 hours a night). I literally cannot do this anymore and I know Ill freak and do something irreversible if I need to be isolated again. The best part is that all of this makes me feel super selfish and guilty because it feels like I am prioritizing my happiness over other peoples lives. Anyone else going through the same? I cannot go through another quarantine",Suicidal +7346,"Well, I am about to start sophomore year of high school and everything should be coming up roses for me. Freshman year sucked with a depressive episode in the middle of it, but that is in the past, right?Well, everything *is* great on the surface, at least. I have a large circle of great friends, an amazing and beautiful girlfriend, I get good grades, and have the chance to finally play school baseball this year. I am sure I seem happy, and I feel like I should be; but I am just not.I am an anxious fucking mess below the surface, and honestly I think its starting to show. I am constantly paranoid that people secretly hate me for no reason. I am starting I have trouble sleeping again, and my panic attacks are coming back. My last sibling (at least left at home) leaves for college in a few weeks, school starts and I have not ever been into this building, my anxiety is already building about baseball next spring.I do not want to go back to therapy, and I *really* do not want to get diagnosed with anxiety because both my sisters are. Whenever I went to therapy I was terrified to stop playing the act of my regular, confident self. Maybe I just have trust issues because I do not tell anyone about my issues, not even my girlfriend or best friends. I hate it but I just cannot.I cannot do this again, man. what is wrong with me? my life seems good!",Depression +7347,"I am 17, been on Effexor for about a year. I was suicidal before starting it and now I feel mostly fine. I am going off of it because I feel like it has affected my ability to maintain relationships - both girlfriends I have had while I have been on it, I feel like I have not been able to actually connect with them emotionally, like I cannot fall in love with them. I have heard other people share similar stories. Also, I am sexually active with my girlfriend and I cannot cum - we have had sex probably like twice a week, for the last 2 months, and I have finished exactly 1 time. Its horrible. For a while I could not even get it up. But anyways, that is why I am going off it. What should I do to try to prevent my depression from coming back once I am off it? I am currently in the process of weaning off of Effexor. I am at like half of my dose of 75 mg, planning on cutting that to 0 in 2 weeks or so, once I run out of pills. How do I make sure my depression does not come back after going off of antidepressants?",Depression +7348,"I was a normal good looking guy/teen.Not bragging not like I was a playa or anything but my looks was not a concern. I had active social life and would do things without thinking going parties, nights out, friends etc.Of course lockdown now but this been a few years.In early 20s I notice my hair falling out. I started using sun beds and tanning without suncream because I thought it I go bald I need look dark as white people look sick when bald.My idea was to burn my skin so it is permanently dark.Fast forward a few years not only is my once luxiourios long thick hair half disappeared my face looks like a burns victim. I stopped the sun bathing due to this this my skin is white anyway the irony but all saggy and scarred qnd aged. Fant even hide it with my long hair as I have no long hair so my face is fully visible now. So Combine this with my thin receding hair I have gone from looking like a boy band teen to I am going to some hideous creature.When we people take pics when I have to go out work or family etc restarts they always upload pics without me. The ones with me do not go on Facebook etc...it is obvious they do not want my fuked up face on social media and I do not blame them.Now the issue as a result before covid I avoid everything. No spontaneous life anymore. Going out for 2 or 3 days in a row. Random parties or nights out. I just became a recluse.I need to always carry or wear a hat i couosnt dare sleep over some place now. I live in constant fear over my looks.I hoped lockdown would make me feel less missing out as everyone same boat and time to avoid sun use creams fix my skin improve diet hope hair improve.But over 18 months my hair is worse and face not look any better.Well nobody is going out anyway with covid round here but I still feel my life is fuked because I had it all.I looked normal and had social fun life now I am just constant obsessing and looking mirror qns almost crying.I cannot even look mirror anymore to soul destroying only in dim lights.I cannot believe only some years ago my skin was perfect and hair amazing long.Of course hair loss can happen but I see people grandparents with still nice skin so that is all my stupid fault qnd cannot improve it.Depresses me every day.I eat well workout in good shape I gueas etc but all seems pointless Is it stupid to be suicidal due to appearance",Suicidal +7349,"I have been trying to understand what that compulsion is I felt when I wanted to die. I know this is a tricky question because it would be so deeply personal and individual to everyone, but I am curious if anyone can lucidly explain everything going on during this moment.For me all I remember was there was many terrible things happening to me and I was trying to just go about my regular day and as I was travelling in my wheelchair I stopped. My head was telling me that I needed to drive onto the highway and go in front of the trucks that we are approaching.I just froze and sat in that feeling and those thoughts crying trying to understand what it all was. I had idolised about death and thought about it a lot but that was the first moment where my instincts were telling me to go and do it there and then.Is this similar to everyone else? Just a spiralling of terrible thoughts and Realisations leading to the strong desire to die? Or are there other nuances to it? What is in that moment?",Suicidal +7350,"All my life my family has been toxic and I have always suffered from depression and severe anxiety.. I started cutting around the time I entered middle schoolI turned 19 a month ago but for the past 3 years everything has gotten worse. My older sister emotionally and verbally abuses me and my family. She used to say once I turned 18 she would fight me, I thought about killing myself just to avoid everything. But I did not and now I am 19. I do not want to really get into details but believe me when I say the past 3 years have been hell I am exhaustedmy sister would threaten our lives and her own. Using everything she could against us. We kicked her out many times but she let us herself back in. The police have been to my house thousands of times. I know she struggles with mental issues and she is in pain too but now I am exhausted and my depression and anxiety have worsened. I have recently turned to drugs I am abusing them so badly everyday I get high if I can drink Ill get wasted I have also recently started having sneaky links to feel something. The first time I cried while doing stuff because I know its wrong but I also just do not care.I am self destructing and the worst thing is I am witnessing myself do it and I cannot stop it. I have become so numb to the world around meand when I am actually happy I feel guilty because I know my mom and the kids are sad with the situation.I have wanted to move out but if I do I am leaving them behind to deal with my sisterwell I guess either way Id be leaving them.I do not want to die but I am tired of waking up to this numb feeling. I have medication but I think need something stronger now. Lately I have been having cutting urges. I am just so lost i do not know what to do anymore somebody pleasehelp me my intrusive thoughts have never been this bad I do not know if I can do this anymore and I am scared I am going to end it. I am scared I am going to kill myself..",Suicidal +7351,i just want to die fighting for something. in a war against isis or the barbarians raiding rome i want to die for something,Suicidal +7352,I have never been on medication before. I finally talked to my doctor and told him I needed help. I start tomorrow. I know it will not be perfect right away and Ill have to make adjustments to dosage and maybe type. I just hope its a step in the right direction. I start antidepressants/anti anxiety meds tomorrow,Depression +7353,"I feel like I am falling off the deep end. I do not think I cannot take anymore of this. Nothing I do is useful! I have tried therapy, medication, and try to go on normally. I end up in the same old place every time.I feel terrible about myself. I just want to drop out of college and give up on my dreams. I am not as great as the others, so what is the point in proceeding. Sure, I make good grades, but I do not have any great skill or talents. Everyone around me is so much better than I am, and there is me. Unlike everyone else who is worth something, I am about as valuable as a speck of dust just there to be thrown away. I might as well give up on my dreams. It probably was not important anyways.I just want to give up. I want to give up on everything. I do not Know How Much More I Can Take It.",Suicidal +7354,"So I posted to a group where me and my friends chat about how if I was gone for a long period without talking (2 weeks since I am quite active there) that I was probably dead. The reason being my parents want us to move to the country side with no internet beacause they are conspiracy theorists and such and the internet is basically my only support. And I honestly could not talk to them about my problems and they no way would not move to the country side even if I pleaded on my knees and I honestly do not think I would want to live anymore at that pointI have anger issues and when I get quite angry I have the urge to take a knife and stab myself in the throat and I am quite open about this to my family of course they take it as a joke a little goof a gag a punchline. So they never take it seriously to be honest if we did move I would probably stab myself to death or at least drown myself I could not stand moving so far away from my dreams ambitions and friends like that and at that point I do not see a reason to live my life is already screwed up so I do not see a reason to stay at that point So back to my friends I told them straight up if I am gone for 2 weeks no talking, that I probably killed myself. I wanted them to know this since I did not like the idea of them never knowing what happened to me since I know if i was in they are position that I would want to know why someone so active just stopped posting and I left for bed I came back tomorrow and only one of them said anything out of the 4 friends 1 of them ignored me (maybe did not see the message but be were never all that close) and the other 2 had not posted so I assume they were offline The one that responded did not know how to react and when I checked recently they were panicking asking if anyone saw me online and that they were worried about me and I do not know how to respond staying silent would be a dick move I do not want to make them upset Y'know but at the same time I do not know what to say I cannot promise that I will not kill myself it is the truth I would buy do not like seeing the upset but I do not want them to live on thinking I am okay I am honestly confused I am only 13 and I honestly cannot think of what to say to them. Any ideas? I need some advice",Suicidal +7355,i feel like i ruined everyone is lives. and now no one likes me. i feel like a failure. i feel like a lost because. i feel like a burden. i feel like jumping off a building. i feel like everyone has given up on me. and i feel as if everyone will be better off without me. rant i guess,Suicidal +7356,I have made the decision that I am not going to be sucked into the capitalistic hierarchical classist corpratociratic machine that entraps the world by whatever means necessary there is little joy to be gained from life and anyone with half a brain-cell can tell you it its only going to get worse from here and that any sort of major societal revolution is never going to come and any hopes of a world where humanity is free from itself have been dead for generations. Footnote: I just realized I sound so much like a Marxist lol I have made a decision,Suicidal +7357,"I have been obsessed with the same girl for almost 20 years and everyone else I like, I instantly fall in love with. I cannot act on anything because I think I am worthless.Not like any of these feelings are real, they are just my brain trying to extract love and positive feelings from someplace since I do not get it from anywhere else. I wish I was dead I am too full of love",Depression +7358,"So tonight I was faced with a decision, I could either cut something out of my life that I know would make me happier, or I could continue on with it and remain how I am. That lead me to realize just how scared I am of being happy again. I was first majorly depressed last December, but I got out of it and became as I would say happy again. obviously I was not suddenly perfect but I was recovering and doing so very well. Then around the end of may I got super depressed again and even worse than before, I even started self harming for a few weeks. I have somewhat normalized again but I am not recovering. I am scared of recovering. I am scared that if I try to recover it will all happen again and this time I might permanently scar myself or worse. Any advice on this topic? Scared of Being Happy",Depression +7359,"I am tired of it. I am seriously done. I feel like nobody in my life actually cares about me, as much as I try to think about it. I am selfish, I am conceited. Whenever I make conversation I slip up all the time, I do not click with ANYBODY. I make it awkward, I get looks, not just from strangers, but from my family. I feel like I cannot even tell my feelings to my boyfriend anymore. I am selfish for that. Nobody includes me in things. I am a nuisance ever since I moved homes, I am in the living room, on the couch, I am a living burden. I am genuinely convinced that if I put a bullet through my brain my family would throw a party. I am literally useless and my only redeeming quality is draws good and where will that get me? Suicide. I fucking hate myself. And I am seriously considering it. Seriously. I am convinced thoroughly that I am just a nuisance, a burden, a waste of space and air and oxygen and that I am just nothing in the world. I hope my family drives me instead of continuing to fake loving me. I hope they get mad at me enough. Just tell me you want me dead. Tell me you hate everything about me. what is even the point anymore?",Suicidal +7360,"I am 31 and live in a very abusive home where my family tells mr how worthless I am everyday.I got verbally abused every day of my life and I am trying to sort my paper work out and get a good job and move out.I cannot get a job right now,but when I can I am getting to jobs and getting the hell out.There one of the biggest reasons I am miserable and it is here or I go homeless since nobody in my family wants to help me or cares about me.So it is stay here until I save up or go homeless and never find another job,but I am going to hurt myself if I keep staying here I want out I want help I am tired of suffering everyday I want this to end I need help.Please someone help me. I do not know what to do about my life.",Suicidal +7361,"How i lost my dad3 years ago, when I was 13 years old, my dad got in to a really bad accident. My dad who was a big sportsman was cycling home from work while training for a upcoming triathlon. Unfortunately he got by a drunk driver and broke his neck, skull, spine and almost everything you can think of. When i visited him in the hospital after his crash it was one of the most painful things I have ever seen. Seeing my dad laying on his bed crying because he tried staying strong for us but could not keep it together. I had never felt so powerless. In the following months after the accident, we all had faith my dad would become the man he used to be. The man who always was the guy I could on. The man who was always supporting me on the sideline, but unfortunately the situation grew worse as he got diagnosed with a serieus brain injury. He had to accept he had lost it all. His work (he could not and still cannot), his sports (cycling, running, swimming and his dream of finishing an iron man ( one of the toughest sport races in the world)). With my mom working full time and my 2 brothers being away from home a lot he did not have a shoulder to cry on most of the time. While at the time we all had hope his brain injury would start to decrease, the only thing I can hope for now is that my family stays together. Because of my dad being home for most of the time and being in a mostly depressed state, he is sleeping a lot the time and draining the energy of all of the family members. While we all love him as much as we did before the accident, the suffering of both ends is coming to a point where the bubble will burst. The pain I am suffering is in no way compatible with the pain of losing your whole life. But losing your dad while your sitting right next to him hits you in a weird way. He cannot take much and gets extremely angry at my mom about the smallest things, while the only thing she deserves is love and appreciation. Right now I feel like I have lost the man who was on my side for the biggest part of my life. How I lost my dad",Depression +7362,"I take care of my whole family. I do everything despite being diagnosed with an incurable illness.No one fucking cares. And the whole ""stay no do not kill yourself because people around you will miss you and be heartbroken"" yeah I am fucking sure they would, then they would not have anyone to be the goddamn adult despite being the youngest. They would not have anyone to take care of them. that is what they would miss. And maybe they should. I have told them countless times how I feel. They do not care. Maybe they deserve to be heartbroken. I do not deserve to suffer so why should I stay? Fuck this. See you next time. I am not enough to observe",Suicidal +7363,"My retail job is making me depressed. I dread going there everyday. I feel like I am at the end of my rope with it. The days I do not work I cannot do things I enjoy because I am so tired from work. I do not even really have that many things I enjoy anyway. Is this all life is? Just working and being tired and working again until we die? If life is just working and being tired from working, what is the point?",Depression +7364,"Before I start, I promise I will show this and my other suicide notes to my therapist whenever I see them. I have been suffering from mental health illnesses for years (was diagnosed 6 years ago). I hate it. I genuinely hate it. I have to take meds to boost serotonin levels (store-bought serotonin as I call them). On my birthday in June, I told myself I will end things an year from then (provided things do not get better). I am 24 and am yet to do achieve anything significant (unlike my parents, siblings, close friends and connections on LinkedIn). Turning 24 recently is really hitting me hard. I graduated university at 21 and have done internships (a local bank, a Big 4 firm consulting firm and startups) every now and then. My last paid internship ended before the summer of 2020. I am yet to secure a full-time paid job since, unlike my peers who are pretty successful in the corporate world (i.e. they are getting promoted or moving to international offices say London, UK). But, then, there is me. I have wasted the last 3 years of my life. I could have learnt a new language. I could have learnt new software (say PowerBI). I could have been studying towards a professional qualification (say CFA, CAPM etc.). I could have lost weight and gained muscle. My ex left me at 21 because of me being suicidal and unstable back then. But, my untreated mental illnesses do not let me too. I messed up the final two years at university (relative to my first year performance which was stellar). At all of my internships, I was extremely slow with tasks i.e. making PPT slides, replying to emails (I believe I have undiagnosed psychomotor retardation). In my daily life, I avoid doing a lot of chores, for instance, doing the dishes, folding my laundry, cooking, reading a book. It takes me 30ish minutes to do the dishes (something that would take my sibling 15 minutes). It takes me 7 minutes to read a page of a novel. Taking that into account, it would take me 2 months to finish a 300 page novel. Because of how slow I am, I have gotten very dumb too (I struggle with basic mental maths and avoid doing things that require a lot of brain power). I am not even sure if therapy would help me. I am scared of entering the corporate world or pursuing a masters. Because of how slow and dumb I am and how stressed I get in pressured situations. I point fingers towards my untreated mental illnesses. At times, I wish I had cancer or something similar to show people around me that I was actually struggling. Even though, I told myself I will commit suicide a day after my birthday next year in June. If things do not get better (i.e. I do not land a full-time job and not be as slow as I am today). However, I feel like ending things this Saturday. My method of suicide would be jumping off a bridge (near a major public hospital) and getting hit by an incoming vehicle once I jump. Or, I will overdose on my meds. But, very likely, that will be next June. Whenever I hear of people dying on the news or from other sources, I say ""Lucky them. I wish it was me instead of them."" I always pray I die in my sleep. But, here, I fucking am. I know things will not get better (there is too many things to work on and fix). I am better off dying, either naturally or via suicide. I am currently working on launching a non-profit startup, centered around mental health. In that case, it will further motivate everyone involved in case I end up killing myself. Turning 24 has really hit me. It feels like I have run out of time to achieve things......it is too hard to turn things around. If you have made it this far, I appreciate you reading of my struggles and my suicidal thoughts. I have had enough (In tears as I type this)",Suicidal +7365,"I lie here after nearly two weeks of missing antidepressants because I ran out. Yesterday evening I took one before I went to bed.I am tired, my body needs sleep but my brain will not let me rest.Every time I am nearly asleep it get head tingle that is so uncomfortable I can sleep. It feels so weired. Can antidepressants make you unable to sleep?",Depression +7366,"I do not have anyone to talk to in person, at least no one I feel close to. Sometimes whenever I am walking somewhere, sitting down, laying down or driving, I imagine I am having a conversation with someone right next to me. I imagine that someone is there that i trust that is listening to all I have to say concerning my thoughts, feeling and other things I am too embarrassed to talk about. I am imagining a scenario where I actually have someone in person to talk to and when the conversation ends, I look around, I see no one near me and I cry. Conversing with yourself",Depression +7367,Every time I go through a cycle of happiness and depression it just keeps getting worse. I cannot keep going on like this for the rest of my life. I just want to be better but my mind says no. I do not know how to help myself anymore. This is the first time I have considered suicide in my life because I am so scared about going through these emotions again and again until I die. My head hurts so much from crying I want it to stop. Does the cycle ever stop?,Suicidal +7368,"I have (21M) been depressed for maybe over ten years. I have had my share of unhealty relationships and healty relationship that I have ended up ruining. Now I am dating this girl that i fell in love with at first sight and i have never loved someone like that (and i have loved before). she is kind, cute, understanding, patient, open-minded, she is just perfect to me. Thing is, i have a bad habit of sabotaging those relationships and now I am scared I will do it again.. I am trying really hard to communicate a whole lot and be the best boyfriend i can be but I am just so scared of myself.. i feel like i do not deserve her but i still want to be with her. I do not want to ruin this one cuz I will probably never find someone like her again and i just would not ever forgive myself. I am scared I will ruin my relationship with my gf",Depression +7369,"Tell me I am wrong, but you cannot. You know its true, either you let the pandemic kill you or you be proactive and beat the pandemic to it. I wish the CDC and WHO would be intellectually honest and just admit there is no way life is worth living anymore and that they just recommend suicide already. Every day I stay alive I am supplied more and more proof the only escape from this pandemic is suicide.",Suicidal +7370,"I think I am useless and I tried to kill myself on a concoction took 22 1mg Xanax as well as 150mg tramadol 25mg diphenhydramine 150mg seroquel and lucky my older brother found me slumped and unresponsive where he called 911 and told them I was breathing strangely then I was taken to the hospital where they found a whole lotta drugs I had taken and for some reason the ER doctor told my brother that that the marijuana they found in my system was very serious really??? This mans never touched weed before I assume anyway they found benzos because I took my whole script of Xanax and have no recollection of it this was after I blacked out after taking benedryl and then I woke up the next morning with bandages from an iv and my parents were not happy though I do not live with them I woke up in my childhood bedrooom please do not mess with benzos they are extremely dangerous when my brother found me unconscious I was chocking on my own spit he turned me onto my side but I am grateful for what he did and now I realize how precious life is I was always depressed and found no point in life but this all changed and I hope somebody found this helpful I was near death and thank god my brother had a weird feeling to come check on me, most likely saved my life. Overdosed today and suddenly had weird glimpses of my mother and my girlfriend crying and missing me",Suicidal +7371,"I have been hiding my tears all day and my boss let me leave early. I thought spending close to $1k would help me cope, but it did not. Now I am just home and feeling worse. I want to attempt suicide once more, last time I really almost did it, until my brother found me. It just brought shame and made me want to move so my family will not find my body. My only real friends are all online and I feel really lonely. At this point I am thinking of making a plan, find my cat a home, give away my belonging and then end it. I am done trying, nothing ever works out for me. I want to be free already",Depression +7372,"i feel like I am losing my best friend, she does not seem the same around me anymore and avoids affection (which usually she is very affectionate so that rlly worries me lol) idk hwat to do,,,, if i lose her i will have no future bc my future was supposed to b with her,, i want to kill myself help",Suicidal +7373,"I left my job recently, where i found out my boss was seducing his teenage employees; a couple years ago I dropped out of college because I was having severe mental issues like depression, delusions, hearing shit in my head, bad relationships; had quite a few shitty jobs that treated me like shit; abandonment issues from friendships and family relationships through the years... idk it is all just coming forth in my mind all at onceI cannot get myself to see a therapist because I do not want to start another relationship with someone and try to dig into shit when I just want immediate solutions. I do not see a future for myself, everyone fucking hates me and gives nothing in return... I ask for help... nothing. And now my career is fucking ruined from my last job... I cannot even work in the same field, which is what I have been doing all my working life, otherwise I have meltdowns just thinking about itI'm even engaged, but I just feel like such a fucking burden.I think I am just ready. it is time to go. There are much better people out in the world that are more capable than me, I am just another one to stop the chain of depressed alcoholic addicts in the food chain. Good riddance I have never actually committed to the idea of actually following through, until earlier this week",Suicidal +7374,I have been going on a streak for like 4 days in row of being sad but it either goes away really quick or stays for a while. I am usually really happy and not sad much but I feel like there might be a problem because I feel lazier and have not been going outside a lot like I used to. What should I do I think I might be depressed,Depression +7375,I am so sleep deprived since I am literally addicted to my phone. Its 5 am right now and I am really tired but my mind just tells me to stay awake since I kind of enjoy it and I do not want the day to come. Its become really bad I stay up till at least 4 everyday for no reason and I wake up way too late and cannot function normally. I know I can just put my phone away but still I need help,Depression +7376,"I had group therapy for the first time today. It sucked, I quit immediately. There are not any in person one on one therapists here. Not only that, I do not even really know what to do to get better. Or if I want to get better in the first place. My biggest problem, that I am Non-binary, is not even fixable. Outcast amongst outcasts, it is got to be the most hated minority since even other trans people hate on us. Not to mention other LGBT people and obviously everyone else. I read that like 87% of people would not even date a trans person, so I am assuming the numbers even higher for nonbinary people. Which makes everything very isolating. There is no way in the world I could even date in my current state, but even if I could I would never find anyone nearby. I thought the first step would be going to therapy, but that is over. I looked up the ones that take my insurance and there is like 4 in this area, 0 of which offer in person. And then even if we pretend everything else was solved, I still have no way to support myself. No way I can work because everything makes me want to kill myself, no way to go back to school because I am poor. No interests or passions at all besides making art. There is not a single *valid* reason why I should not kill myself. If I had a gun or heroin I would not think twice Nothing left for me here",Suicidal +7377,My worst nightmare is coming true.My world is falling apart. I have no idea how I will tell my friends or parents. I hate that it will be confirmed that I am an idiot and that everyone will see me as one.I have always wanted to graduate and I need to for what I want to do.I am thinking that I should not be here. Future looks incredibly bleak and it is confirmed I am worthless.Literally no reason to not die besides me being too pussy to do so. Getting kicked out of school,Depression +7378,"Currently 22. Life keeps getting progressively getting worse. Had pretty much everything going for me coming out of HS, lots of friends, a girlfriend who loved me, good family life, confidence etc. Things pretty much started to go down hill when I started college out of state. Gf broke up due to distance, she went to a different school. This pretty much sent me into a depression, have not gotten out of it. Did some of the right things, joined a fraternity, went out a good amount. Just never really developed a close group of friends at my new school, just kind acquaintances who came and went. Long story short developed a drug and alcohol problem and slowly but surely have become a loner. Most people I either got sick of my bs or just have moved on to their new lives now and most of my class has graduated. Have about 2-3 people I would consider friends, both at home and in school. Now I am a 22 year old sophomore.Troubles with the law and an accidental overdose in the past 2 years have just made things worse both mentally and in my day to day life. On probation, so going out to bars and socializing is pretty much out of the picture (I go to a party/sports school in a s town so that pretty much makes up 95% of the social life ) Been sober for 8 months and honestly just feel worse from when I had a drug problem. At least then I had confidence and the motivation to go out and at least make the effort to improve my life. Now I just sit in my apartment/room all day. do not have motivation to try and make new friends because of how many times I have failed at it and a lack of self esteem. Tried countless therapists and different antidepressants. Just feel stuck, and I do not know what to do anymore. Just going through the motions. Life keeps getting worse",Depression +7379,Literally nobody wants to be my friend I am going to overdose. Getting rejected,Suicidal +7380,"So, my birthday is coming up soon, and just like every year, I am dreading it. it is one of the worst days of the year for me. it is also one of the days that I think about dying the most. Not necessarily through suicide but by any means, like, freak accidents, accidental overdose, just anything that will end my life. Nothing ever happens, but sometimes it makes me wonder what would happen if I did die. How would it affect my loved ones?Has anyone ever lost someone close on that person's birthday, and how did the passing of this person affect you and the other people close to him/her? I am mainly looking for people who died by their own choice, but if it was due to other causes you can still comment. I, like many others here, want the pain to end but do not know if I can go through with it if it will hurt those around me.please only post if you feel comfortable. Ending it on a birthday",Suicidal +7381,"I just had surgery for a potentially serious type of cancer. I have been in a good mood, except for the first week when I was told the diagnosis. I made the mistake of consulting Dr. Google and it sent me into anxiety.I had serious bouts of depression 30 years ago and a few bouts since then. Six hospitalizations, lots of med changes, stress, career disasters, relationship disasters, and substance abuse (alcohol).I have been sober for many decades, got to retire at 50, have no financial worries. Never got married and that one really bothers me some times. I was successful, high average attractive, sales for big corporations so had money. As a friend of mine likes to say, ""Women are not looking for guys like us"", (guys with morbid depression). God, I had a couple women in my mid twenties that were so gorgeous and smart as hell, but my behavior drove them off or I ditched them for a bottle.Anyways, I am in post recovery, have some post surgical aches and still waiting to hear pathology. I got sort of sad and moody this week. I think I will be in good shape, I was Stage II with something you do not want to go Stage III. Actually I could be III because the pathology is not back yet. I stopped doing things I like to do, painting, going out into the forests, fly fishing. I bought a new carbon fiber canoe a month ago, you can pick up with your pinky. I have not set that boat in a lake or river yet this summer. I sometimes think my life was a bust, I die without kids or a partner, what was the point?Just venting, sure things will get better. Move muscles change thoughts!Hope everyone is having a good evening. Peace. Just Had Cancer Surgery - Had A Mini Relapse Of The Black Dog",Depression +7382,"I am supposed to be going on vacation tomorrow around 4-5am but I do not see a point in going. Maybe I can beg my grandma to let me stay home and I can do the deed when no ones home. I know my grandma says she cares but she verbally/Emotionally/mentally abuses me. it is either I kill myself or I wait for my physically/verbally abusive brother to lash out one day and do it for me. I have pills here and I am considering ending it. I just do not want to leave the puppies alone. I cannot even be myself. I am non binary and my whole family it seems is against all non binary people. Maybe I can wait another 2 months. Wait for school to start and see if I will give life another chance. I am sorry for the rant. I do not know what the point of this was. No one loves me, how can i love myself?",Suicidal +7383,"Not encouraging suicide or publicly disclosing the method, but just saying I personally am all set to go. I will probably live a week or two more. Goodbye cruel, cruel world. Found a good painless method",Suicidal +7384,"I cannot seem to stop myself from crying every single day, especially at night. I want to go back to feeling empty I am so tired of this sadness. I just want it to stop for just an hour. I am tired of crying.",Depression +7385,"Hey. I have a lot of stuff going on right now and I am really struggling. I just finished graduate school and got my masters degree. I should be thrilled but I am everything but. I feel like I just lost a huge part of myself. And I am not looking for a job and cannot get any interviews. I have applied to 8-10 jobs and was told 6 or 7 times I was not what they were looking without even an interview. I do not know what to do. My current job is a work study job that requires me to be a student. My last day is Friday . My sister is about to move to college. I am so beyond proud but it scares me because I will not see her every day. I know they say call or FaceTime but it is not the same. My brother is actively trying to move out. I am the oldest sibling yet I still live at home. I cannot drive. I have so little work experience that no one wants to hire me. I feel pathetic, alone, lost, scared, depressed, worthless. Its so much to deal with and I feel alone in it. When I try to talk to my family about it all I hear is do not dwell. I wish it was so easy! I do not know what to do. Too much!",Depression +7386,started therapy two weeks ago it literally feels like talking at a wall I have never felt less heard. i do not know what to do anymore there is no light at the end of the tunnel what the fuck am i living for nothing helps,Suicidal +7387,"Fuck it, I am totally alone. We all are, no one looks at me, no one cares about each other. Everyone walks around like machines on a mission. Its not worth pretending to be one of them. I should just die, and let this nightmare end. I am over it all. Its all pointless and worthless",Depression +7388,"Around the first of July, I unintentionally overdosed on fent pills. Now all I can think about is the relief I can have from not being alive. Everyday I wake up wishing the Perc would take me, I have been clean for a while but man a couple drinks and a perc so I could finally end this consistent suffering that is my mental health. Overdosed of the percs",Suicidal +7389,"no one would care. everyone probably already wants me gone. I am just worthless. life is pointless anyway. I am not going anywhere. i already do nothing for everyone and that probably will not change. as far as i know I am more of a burden than i think i am. everyone would probably say they care but it never feels like they do. it just feels like they say it so that they do not feel bad, but they do not think about me. and here i am complaining about it on a site where probably no one else cares about me, just wasting time and doing nothing to solve my problems. honestly just waiting for someone to tell me to kill myself, or maybe i will just do it anyway. death happens anyway. might as well spare everyone the trouble and get rid of myself before i make everyone else more miserable. should i just kill myself?",Suicidal +7390,"I am a 17 yo guy and I have been struggling with depression, derealization and paranoia ever since I was 12. On top of that I now have GAD.I have been wanting to kill myself since I was 12 because at 12 yo I started having episodes of derealization caused by the paranoia that everything is a dream or fake.I have somewhat gotten over that, but all that has been replaced by depression and anxiety which caused me to fail 2 years of school. I hate myself for letting that happen.When school is on, every day I think of suicide and have really bad suicidal depressive mental breakdowns every night.Right now it is summer break, but I cannot take all that pressure again. Sadly, dropping out is not an option for me.I also hate myself because of my height. I am only 5'8/172cm tall and I live in a country where the male average height is 5'11/182cm. That makes me feel really inferior, weak and pathetic because most guys I know are taller than me.I think I feel bad about my height because I am secretly competitive so I have been feeling my whole life like growing taller is a competition.Just for the record, I am already in therapy and on antipsychotics and antidepressants. Also been in a psych ward 7 times. All that has not helped.Nothing helps. I think I am going to kill myself on the 31st of August. I think I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +7391,"I am the kind of friend who checks on or makes a conversation with my friends by messaging them and getting to know their updates. One day I decided to stop doing that just to see if someone actually initiates a conversation with me and wants to know how my life is going? its been 3 months and nobody has. I am depressed that nobody cares for me as much as I care for them. I am feeling lonely and depressed Why nobody sends in a ""hi, how are you doing?""",Depression +7392,"I have squandered most of my opportunities in life and i feel like a loser because I am. I was a high school athlete and I was a very social person growing up. Now, just turning 30 I have dropped out of college/university twice and only have a diploma in music production which makes me extremely overwhelmed and anxious anytime I even attempt to make anything. I was in Human resources last year and missed one course on my final semester so i never graduated. I hated the curriculum anyways... bunch of cucklord social justice bs... I am kind of at the end of my ropes now though. I am 30 years old and feel like a huge loser. I moved back in with my parents who are constantly trying to get me to move out again and telling me to go take school or another program that i have no idea if I should take or not. Life is slowly falling apart around me. My parents are getting older and life feels like it is getting worse every day. I am in Canada and cannot even buy a gun to die. Part of me does not want to die because I do not want to fuck up everyone else's lives around me but nothing seems to help me get better. I am starting to lose faith in myself and my ability to move forward. The only friends who i occasionally talk to drink alcohol all day and smoke weed/play video games. They are complete losers. I used to do shit like this but I do not want to do this shit anymore. I feel like I have no idea how to get better. I am tired and exhausted and things just are not enjoyable. Medication also does not seem to work for me. I get bad anxiety on antidepressants and yea... I also used to experiment with a lot of mdma and smoke a ton of pot over 5 -10 years ago when i was first in University and I think that might have fucked me up as well. Life just sucks man... I legit have no clue wtf to do anymore. I am 30 and probably should be taking a job working at starbucks... fuck. I wish i had some support and any advice for someone on how i can turn my life around.... Fuck... I have also tried stopping watching porn and doing that and I think that definitely helps. I really hope life gets better for me. I have a hard time even trusting any people anymore because I have had some fucked up experiences with other crazy people who used me and took advantage of me. I am not sure i can recover I feel like I have squandered all my opportunities in life and I am ready to die. Just turned 30 and life seems pretty pointless for me now",Suicidal +7393,Going to delete testing it I am still allowed on this sub Testing testing yeah yeah,Suicidal +7394,"My life has already been a nightmare of trauma & I finally got to a safe place. I owe my security deposit & the past month has been hell. Hit with an intense wave of fatigue and anxiety for the first week, then a concussion & car problems (I rely on my car for work) & then tried to end my life and just ended up in the hospital & psychward for a week. Been trying to catch up on my bills but its been impossible and just adding to the anxiety. I am terrified I am going to lose the only safe place I have ever had in my life because of all this. I am so fucking broke I could end it",Depression +7395,I have been extremely sad and disappointed in life for months and its never been this bad. When I was a freshman I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and even then it has never been as this bad. Never. I have never struggled this much. Nothing even triggered it. I just do not understand it. I am deeply sad and so unsatisfied with life rn. I have been thinking of suicide for a while but I have stayed alive bc i keep thinking and hoping it will get better. I have never struggled this much but oh my god it is not getting better. Please tell me you understand,Suicidal +7396,"let us see.... where to begin. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I have 2 people I can truly call a friend, I bury myself in work (80+ hours a week), and on my spare time I sit at home alone. I hate myself 90% of the time, my depression/anxiety is a bitch, I feel like I would be better of dead, or at least alone. I crave attention, but hate when it is given. My thoughts are dark, sometimes scaring myself, its like I am in a race with myself, and I am losing. I am single, not attractive, early 30s male. I have a job, car, apt., motorcycle, etc. but something is missing. I do not actively seek out a relationship anymore, to me it seems pointless. Any ideas on how to cope? Oh, I an in no way suicidal. I just feel like I would be better off alone, falling off the radar, or dead. How to cope?",Depression +7397,My abusive bf makes me wish my suicide attempt a year ago worked. He is the most disgustingly cruel person to me ever since I caught him sneaking around behind my back. He is not at all the person I began this relationship with. I want out and every time I try to leave I cannot and it makes me go back to the feeling a year ago when I saw killing myself as the only way out of this constant abuse. I want out,Suicidal +7398,"In life,you have have dreams and aspirations that you want to achieve but when depression hits it humbles you and what seemed achievable yesterday seems impossible today.Everyone chases money I would give anything for a state of calmness and ease. Depression really is humbling.",Depression +7399,"I am starting spravato (nasal spray esketamine) on Monday. I have heard there is some pretty great results, but I have also had over 50 courses of ECT as a teenager (i mean hell, I am only 19 now) and that did not have much benefit. In fact, the only lasting effect was intense memory issues. I cannot remember my childhood at all. I am so miserable every single day. The normal treatments just do not work for me. I have got social anxiety and do not have a true friend. The only person there for me is me. If this treatment does not work, I am going to kill myself and I need to mentally prepare for that. I am not going to make it to 20. My suicide is inevitable. I am scared of death but it is inevitable, so therefore I do not think suicide would be a bad idea, I am just scared. if this treatment does not work, I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +7400,Its definitely an over reaction but its my only solution to any of my problems. I could literally make the smallest mistake and my only thoughts afterward are that i should just kill myself,Suicidal +7401,I could get out of bed. I could go to work. I could muster up a laugh when my coworker cracked a joke. Why does my brain flip a coin each morning about whether it will be easy or not? Days like today make me think there is hope but I am scared of tomorrow. Today was easy.,Depression +7402,"I know you are not supposed to drink depressed & alone, but it always makes me feel better. Everyone who tells me not to says it is because it will make you feel worse, but it always numbs me and makes me feel better. I have not drank alone in a while, but I did tonight (quite a bit) and I am a bit concerned I will go on a binge again.I do not drink during work, but I had a week where I constantly drank after work and it started with one night like this. Not sure what to do... any replacements for alcohol? Drinking to cope",Depression +7403,"I really want to just end it. I am always surprised at how well people ignore ""all this"". But fuck. I am tired. Thanks for reading. Just venting",Suicidal +7404,"Postpartum depression has got me by the throat. The medicine, therapy, support group, etc. have all failed. I think I might do it tonight...",Suicidal +7405,"I went to residential for 2 weeks and it was amazingly helpful. It did so much to change my outlook on things. While I was gone, my wife realized she can not keep doing this. I spent all of my momentum coming out of residential on convincing her to at least give us a chance. I was able to get a job, only one place even reached out after I applied. It is physically wrecking my body. I am in pain every day. The pay is crap. Plus I am sleeping in the guest room which has a shitty mattress. I do not know if I can make it through this. I got home from work tonight actually feeing pretty good. My wife was out so I just lounged around for a bit. I felt like I was getting some of my confidence back. Then it came crashing down around me. I am still a fat ass, unattractive. My wife told me before I even went to residential that we needed to stop with the physical in part because I need to lose weight. Before she got home I moved my shotgun out of our, sorry *her* room and put it in my closet. Just in case. I promised her months ago that suicide was off the table, that I was all in. What good did that do me? I applied to yet another job. If I do not get it, I think that will be the end of it all. It will be the first time I fire my shotgun. With my luck it will not work. I can not even work up enough to care. Falling Again",Depression +7406,"I am so frustrated all the time. I just cannot do anything. I feel incapable of the most basic of tasks, and also of my dreams. I am so sick of it. I feel an urge to die all the time. Literally always. And it feels inevitable to me that I will give in eventually. I am so scared of death, but life feels bad to me most of the time. An interesting title",Suicidal +7407,"I am slowly realizing that life just was not made for me, suicide seems inevitable. I do not want to die peacefully though, I need my death to be exciting and an adrenaline rush. Maybe something like jumping out a plane with bombs attached to me, or maybe a heist gone wrong. It sounds like a better experience than slitting my wrists. Anybody else want to go out with a bang?",Suicidal +7408,"every day i constantly am searching for things to distract myself, anything, from the constant feeling of guilt for not killing myself. i feel like a constant burden and disappointment to everyone i know and I am losing my mind. i have to hide that I am nonbinary and suicidal to everyone in my life and its fucking killing me inside my boyfriend tries to help but i cannot tell him what I am thinking because he might blame himself or try to help me on his own and i do not want to put that burden on him. i just want to die I am tired of the constant guilt and the thought of jumping out of every moving car I am in or jumping from the nearest windows to me every fucking day i cannot do this",Suicidal +7409,(Vent) F21here. Its been more than a year about something that is been bothering me so much. Its a burden and guilt I cannot seem to be able to share or vent with my closest ones. I really want vent. Its breaking me. (Vent) F21here. Its been more than a year about something that is been bothering me so much. Its a burden and guilt I cannot seem to be able to share or vent with my closest ones. I really want vent. Its breaking me.,Depression +7410,"I feel trapped in my own life. I have a labyrinth of activities that use to pull me out or at least distract me from of my depression, but they are proving ineffective. My worldview is so cynical and negative. I do not trust people, I am haunted by the expressions on their faces when we talk. I believe everyone thinks I am disgusting and stupid. Everything feels so pointless. I am waking up in cold sweats from nightmares where I have put it all to rest. I am in agony and I am suffering alone. I tried to practice gratitude or search for things that might change at all for me1. A new house in a new city with exciting amenities2. Or a new job that I am passionate about3.Juggling the idea of attempting to creating new friendships so that I have a support system. 4. Perhaps going back to school to learn a new skillI may obsessively research one of these topics until I am so exhausted that I do not even have any more energy to follow through. I feel as if there is a dark presence near me stealing my energy as soon as I generate it. I feel as if there are two of me. Every time I think of an idea there is a negative side telling me that will not work. I will argue with myself for hours on end about any decision. I have tried therapy, I cannot find anyone in my town who will listen to me. it is a one hour intake session followed by a half an hour meeting with a therapist before rushing me directly to a psychiatrist. I do not want to take lithium. I feel tormented. I feel alone. I am afraid. The worst pain, is pain felt when you are all alone.",Depression +7411,"358 days ago I made my last post. And here I am again. If I had known I was going to wind up back in this place, I would have just killed myself back then. It gets better is a lie. It does not get better. Nobody gives a fuck. I am sitting here with a bottle of whiskey and all the pills in my house. I am alone. I am afraid. I hope it does not hurt. I hope it works. I hope there is no hell that is any worse than this life. Fucking adios. If I would have known it was going to end this way, I would have killed myself a year ago.",Suicidal +7412,What makes it worse is she is white and I am mixed (black & white). Like think about how I fucking feel about my mom freely using the N word out loud (yes the entire word with ER on the end. Ugh I just cannot take it anymore. Every time she has said that I just get a stabbing pain in my chest like how can she do that with mixed kids who are half black. My mom just says the N word to insult someone,Suicidal +7413,I have not harmed myself since 2018 but I feeling like doing it again. Life is slow and steady right now. that is fine. But there is no fun. Ever. Not much interaction. No significant other (never has been). Blah. I want out. I go through the motions.,Depression +7414,"I just need to get this out, I just lost my job of three years I have been depressed for a long time and I just want to die, it is to much. Every day it is a new pain, every waking hours I am searching for a new distraction, it is just getting to hard to keep going. life is getting to hard",Suicidal +7415,"I have never attempted suicide but over the last few months my life has become so overwhelming that its now a constant thought. My grandfather committed suicide when my mom was 10 years old which affected me in two ways. 1) I actually understand how painful it is for the people you leave behind, that is why I said I have never attempted it even though I have thought about it many many times, and 2) everyone in my family believes its hereditary and gets overly concerned when I am in a mood. It makes it impossible to talk to anyone close to me about my own thoughts of suicide because I feel like they will take it almost too seriously. I know that does not make sense but I actually hate when people feel sorry for me. So I bottle up my depression and lash out at the people I love. In a perverse way I almost wish they all hated me so that it would make it easier to leave them. The logical part of my brain says my life will turn around and the depression will subside - that is just how life is. Its just incredibly painful right now. Before anyone suggests I go see a therapist or get on medication, I have seriously thought about it but unfortunately my depression is currently stemming from the fact that my business failed, I am in a black hole of debt and I cannot afford health insurance. Money troubles - it does not get more cliche than that. I do not care if anyone reads this or responds I just found it incredibly therapeutic to finally vent all of this. This subreddit helped just to see that my situation is not unique and were all humans dealing with our own circumstances. there is probably someone in our life that is going through their own version of hell and well never know about it and there is definitely at least one person in our lives that deeply cares about us whether we recognize it or not. To all the people battling with depression, recognize it for what it is, and do not give up the fight. And to all the supportive members here I want you to know that you are making a difference. Venting",Suicidal +7416,"Today I had perhaps the most emotional moment I have had in my two and a half years of therapy. I realized that finally, I have gotten better. I am 18 and have been depressed for the past 7 years now and each day of those 7 years, it you asked me to choose between life and death, I would choose death every time. But today, I finally voiced that I would not choose death this time. I would not choose death today. Today, I would choose to live. I made it. I am by no means cured, but I made it. And that is enough for me right now. I have gotten better.",Depression +7417,"I am terrified to die but i do not want to be here anymore. my little brother is the only thing holding me back, I have always said i would not leave him until he got old enough, he is now 15 and I am 22 and as the years go by it gets harder to actually wait... I am so tired and I am so empty and feel useless all the time. i do not know how much longer i can hold on i do not remember what it feels like to be happy",Suicidal +7418,I am in a psych ward but being released in a few days and then it will not be long until I can get my things in order to end things. I am so over this life. Feel so alone and counting down the days until I can do it,Suicidal +7419,I have experienced a lot of life. A lot of bad life especially. Drugs. Mental illness. Broken family life. Years of therapy. I even found the love of my life but I know I cannot make him happy. he is miserable and I bring him down everyday. He deserves better and I cannot give him better. My mom also died of covid 19 recently. I downloaded this as a last stitch effort to connect with ANYONE in the entire world who can help me or just talk to me without bias. I saw this while looking up ways to kill myself and thought fuck it. Why not. What could the rush be. Why not see if a single person has anything to say to me to change my mind. Going to kill myself soon.,Suicidal +7420,"Does anyone else feel like this?My childhood was terrible. Both my parents were addicts, I was an only child who was bullied all throughout school, I was molested, I was in a traumatic car accident because my mom was driving high on Oxys. She died when I was 18, I lost contact with my dad because of his addiction, and 4 of my long term relationships have been abusive.How the fucking hell am I supposed to believe that life will ever get better? I literally cannot even imagine it. It seems like an impossibility. Its impossible to imagine that my life will ever be good, because up until now, its never been that way.",Depression +7421,"There are noises all around her, but the silence is louder. From the ground, she watchesthe kids ready to take flight on the swings, the dogs leaping into the air, the birds circling the tops of the trees. she is searching for something. Her eyes dart back and forth, unable to rest until they find whatever it is she is looking for. People come and go until she is the only one left. Its getting cold. The silence is deafening as she approaches the playground. There is a ladder, but she will not use itthat would be too easy. Instead, she scales the outer walls and pulls herself up and onto the slanted roof of the structure until she is at its highest point: On top of the world, and surrounded by fences. She stands, closing her eyes (so they do not have to), and let us the silence consume her. Freak Accident [OC]",Suicidal +7422,"Talking about things does not seem to help, it only seems to worsens things. I do not have much motivation to talk or ask for help, Because they will always say the same things. I think about this every day. I am just waiting until I can find the opportunities it seems.I cannot even imagine what could possibly help. I really do not want any help. I do not want anyone elses idea of happiness. If anything, I want to express this, so I am posting this. Pointless",Suicidal +7423,Idk why but in the past few months my thoughts have been in a major downward spiral. Everyday waking up and making it through the day is such a struggle for me. I have been keeping this a secret from everyone recently since I do not want to end up in the psych ward again. I honestly do not know what to do at this rate. The thoughts have been so unbearably strong lately.,Suicidal +7424,Count down to the end. No longer coping.,Suicidal +7425,Title says it all. I want to vent (Vent) Its been more than a year about something that is been bothering me so much. Its a burden and guilt I cannot seem to be able to share or vent with my closest ones. I really want vent. Its breaking me.,Depression +7426,"god i just want to slit my wrists already. i want to cut my arms so much to the point where blood covers it all. i want to destroy my face. my legs. my chest. my stomach. everything. everyday just gets worse, no matter how hard i try. my meds do not work. coping mechanisms do not work. therapy dosent work. nothing works. people tell me to stay strong and to fight, but they do not understand that i already lost a long time ago. i do not want to be here anymore",Suicidal +7427,When I get told I am a good guy it sometimes drives me near to tears. I have been told how nice I am. How funny I am. How dependable. I have been told many times by different people these things so it must be true right? But I guess I am not good enough. If I was it would not be so hard to find and keep people in my life. I know it sounds self serving and all pity party but its how I feel and the thoughts in my head. I realize and understand that I am not a priority to anyone else. I just wish I knew there was someone out there who thought of me sometimes. A complement upsets me,Depression +7428,"Five days ago I decided that I am going to do it today. I had it all planned out and wrote a note and all.I promised my best friend that I will go to a roadtrip with him. Then I wanted to have some time to cuddle with my girlfriend and then go to work and do it. I work as a night receptionist so I thought it would give me enough time and space to clear my mind and get myself to do it.And I keep climbing to the roof, and I cannot do it... I keep trying, saying no and going back to reception in order to cry uncontrollably for 5 mins and then just continue working for another 35. If I found some new meaning in life I would be happy but everything seems as fucking desperate as it was. I do not feel like I am any better than I was, I do not deserve nor want to be here any more than 5 days ago when I planned it out.So at this point I am just venting because i do not know what is happening. I want to jump but I cannot make myself do it. I feel stuck in this limbo or whatever it is. I thought I was going to do it today",Suicidal +7429,"I am currently in a living situation that is far from ideal and becoming unbearable. I need to move out, but I feel immense guilt and concern because of how much I am needed here. Ill start by explaining my relationship with my family. Older brother (X): My mom and I immigrated from Cuba when I was 4 years old. I am now 21. We had to leave X behind (we are 11 years apart), and he did not come to the US until I was 16. Because of the cost of communication and our extreme poverty throughout those years, X and I did not get to know each other at all. When he came, he felt like a stranger that I was expected to love because of our blood relation. From the ages of 16-21, he has engaged with my body in sexual manners without my consent (grabbing my ass, slapping my ass, getting on top of me, removing my clothing, forcefully entering the bathroom when I am showering, and looking at me naked, etc.). No one is aware of this except my therapist. I should mention that he is an alcoholic, and some of these instances occurred when he was under the influence. About 2 years ago he moved out with his girlfriend, but they recently broke up so he moved back home. I am now living with him again. Younger brother (Y): Y and I are also strangely enough 11 years apart but on the other end. He is such an impeccable human. He is my best friend. Watching him grow up has been the most fulfilling experience of my life. Unfortunately, the responsibility is too much. His dad passed away when he was young so it was only him, my mom, and I until 2016 when X moved to the US and joined us. My mom had to work a lot, and I was relied on to take care of my Y. This had an extreme effect on my education, extracurricular, social life, and mental health. I did not sign up to become a parent. Apart from financial support, Y relies on me for everything. My mom relies on me for everything. Mom: This is, of course, the most complex relationship I have. However, I will not go into as much detail. She treats me like a child, does not allow me to see friends, constantly making homophobic remarks (does not know I am gay), constantly offending my expression or lack thereof, does not support any of my decisions, forces me to shave armpits and legs because it is gross and is unladylike, cannot talk to her because everything turns into an argument.... the list truly never ends. - But she needs me to take care of Y, translate every document, upkeep the house, etc. I understand her pain and suffering. She has been through so much. And I know she truly does need me. This is why I am still here. I am needed. I am afraid of what will happen to them without me. But I am tired! Of being used, disrespected, neglected, uncomfortable, abused... I am so exhausted. I need to focus on my life. I need to prioritize myself- but I cannot. I am stuck. We are all currently living in a small 2 bedroom house. My mom is sleeping in the living room while Y and I share a room and X has his own. I am in college but because of the pandemic, I am staying here. I probably will be taking the upcoming semester off because its too difficult to do school here. A few weeks ago I was suicidal, and I almost did it, but I realized that the reason I wanted to kill myself was also the reason that I could not. I am in therapy for severe depression and learning how to socialize. I also experience derealization often. I do not know what I want to receive. I just needed to release. Thank you for listening. I was suicidal, and I almost did it, but I realized that the reason I wanted to kill myself was also the reason that I could not.",Suicidal +7430,Some days i want to just end it all because it feels like nobody would actually care. All my friends just dropped me. My boyfriend does not understand my trama and bland me when i have a breakdown. And i just want to die. I do not feel anything but the urge to kill myself rn Some days,Suicidal +7431,"A fork in the outlet, a rope, throat slit, pills or a laylon bag? What is faster?",Suicidal +7432,"Been waking up everyday with really no hope, I have been told also that I have syphilis. I do not really want treatment and hope it just kills me. Nobody really wants me around, they just try to make me feel better by pretending to care. I live in a shitty neighborhood where I am constantly living in fear with a bipolar dad that dishes out his criticism and disappointment on me. I am worn out, like before I was working out and working, but it hit me. What am I doing this for if I have nothing to really cherish anyway? I am always thinking about others but I am always getting the back end of shit. I am fucking exhausted, I am tired of not being able to hold a job, because I cannot get along with anyone. I am tired of being ignored in situations where I am trying to excel. I am tired of being disrespected. I am tired of feeling so anxious to even be apart of society. I am tired of thinking there is a future for me when in realty I am so fucked I am better off dead. I get shitted on everyday for who I am, how am I suppose to be happy at all? I am tired of searching through these fucking hook up apps just to find some damn friends. I am fucking tired. Had my 26th birthday on the 26th, and did not really celebrate life is so dull now.",Suicidal +7433,its real pain i do not deserve to be alive.,Suicidal +7434,I do not know what to do please help How do you deal with constantly feeling nothing at all? i am just overwhelmed,Depression +7435,For context I am 19 years old. I do not have a job nor do I go to school. I am trying to find a job and getting my permit but it all seems in vain.I live in a toxic enviroment with my mother and my grandfather who has sexually abused me as a child. My father does not give the slightest shit and instead reminds me of how much of a burden I am every two seconds. My mother can be hella abusive to the point of ganging up against me with my grandfather.My body always feels exhausted and tired. My medications are not fucking working. I am in so much pain all of the fucking time I cannot take it anymore.My mother likes to comment on my self harm scars and insult me.I do not have any friends. Nobody gives a shit about me or my emotions. Every time I open up I get invalidated or dismissed entirely. I know its not people's job to care about me but it would be nice if someone understood me.I am so fed up with this. I just want to slit my throat the emptiness and hopelessness is becoming worse,Depression +7436,"We are now proceeding to IVF with ICSI. About to spend $15,000 on something that might not even work out. My sister has bipolar disorder, my dad a tyrant/narcissist and my uncle schizophrenic. I am so depressed that I cannot have kids and fearful if I do, Ill be partially reliving a family dynamic and experiences that have given me PTSD.Severely depressed Infertility",Depression +7437,"Tried of consciousness , I do not want it Just want it all to stop",Suicidal +7438,"I do not deserve this pain, i grew up with abuse, i do not deserve this suffering, i do not accept this suffering, i do not want TO F*CKNG COPE WITH THIS SUFFERING ANYMORE, I have HAD ENOUGH, I am GOING MENTAL BY HIDING THIS PAIN INSIDE OF ME, I HAVE TO F*CKING EXPRESS MYSELF, I cannot SIMPLY COPE, I do not ACCEPT IT CUZ I ACCEPTED IT FOR SO F*CKING LONG AND IT RUINED MY MENTAL HEALTH, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, THERE IS EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE ABUSE AND HATE I am RECEIVING FROM MY OWN FAMILY MEMBER, I did not CHOOSE TO SEE MY MOM GETTING ABUSED AND BEATEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I did not CHOOSE THE SAME THING FOR MYSELF, I did not CHOOSE TO BE BRAINWASHED AND MANIPULATED, I did not CHOOSE IT, I do not ACCEPT IT , I RATHER DIE WITH PEACE THAN TO SUFFER Thinking to kill myself today",Suicidal +7439,"Hey all! I would like your suggestions for reverse SAD. I have been suffering with my depression for over 10 years, its mostly manageable but I have noticed it gets DRAMATICALLY worse in the summer. I cannot STAND the heat and find myself just wanting to stay in bed with the AC blasting and fan on until it gets cool out. In the fall/winter/spring, I do so much better with my depression and find myself loving to go on long walks with my dogs, exploring nature, and generally just a better mood.&#x200B;Since I obviously cannot change the weather, does anyone have suggestions for me? (Other than the pool---I just moved and do not have any friends yet and feel really weird about going to the pool alone. ) Reverse SAD/Depression in the summer?",Depression +7440,"I have been feeling very ill for a long time I pacified my emptiness with opiates, I am not clean and feel worse than ever I am 100% sure I will die by my own hand this darkness inside is overwhelming I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. I feel I am slipping away",Suicidal +7441,"I am probably going to kill myself, maybe after this post, maybe after I eat dinner. I hate this world, I hate my myself, I hate my looks, my brain, and my life. the world will be broken beyond repair when I become an Adult. i have no love interest, my family probably hates me, no matter how much they say otherwise, and Id be terrible at any job Id get.So I am done, see you all you can convince me not to if you would like, but I just want to talk to someone before I die. (Not promising Ill die though, I have failed before. as you can see from my posts here. This world can kiss my ass",Suicidal +7442,"Breaking is what I call what I think is an anxiety attack. I start getting anxious for almost no reason. I get scared, really, really scared. I start to feel hopeless. The thoughts will not go away. I cannot be happy. And it starts around this time of the day and does not end until I go asleep. Some days it does not happen, but other days, like today. It does. Any tips on stopping it before it really takes over? I have the types of thoughts it brings throughout the day, but they usually go away. I am able to focus on other things. But at times like these, they start to overwhelm and crush me. I am about to break again, is there any way to stop it?",Depression +7443,???? would my mom get a refund for school registration if i died,Suicidal +7444,"I have been depressed for long time, and whenever I seem to get a boost in happiness I get reminded of the current world. The rich are getting richer by exploitation, the rich are going to space while people are eating out of garbage cans and sleeping on benches.I am most terrified of climate change. we are not doing anything about it. And the blame is always put on us rather than companies.I do not know how anyone is happy in this world but the rich. I am terrified of the future.",Suicidal +7445,"As the title says, I have been going bald for the past few years and it is made my life a living hell without a shred of hope. it is started when I was around 16.5-17 (24 now) and basically my life had stopped ever since. I need to mention I am using the common medications for hair loss, and though I have had nice results for some time, my hair is now at its worst state ever and it is only getting worse.I am so lonley, have no social life since I am ashamed to go outside, have never been loved by someone or even got intimate with a woman, and it is all because of this malicious curse. I would trade absolutely everything I have to have a normal head of hair, like a guy my age should have. I would give everything for the privilege of leaving my room without being ancious about my appearance. I know the hair is not my only problem, but it is most definitely the core of all the other ones.I was actually just at the hair transplant clinic as I am still trying to fight for my life, hopeful to make an appointment, and although the guy there said it is still too early for me (does not mean It looks anywhere near decent) he showed me my pictures from 5 years ago when I had last visited the clinic, and I looked so much better and had fantastic hair compared to what I have now. In fact, I was once a pretty handsome guy (though never appreciated it), but the combination of depression and baldness have made me look old, sad and ugly to a point of no return.In that point of time it really does not matter whether I actually end my life or not, because I feel like I am already dead. Actually, I do not even feel like I am human anymore, just a pathetic, useless piece of rubbish. Having ""better days"" is actually the worst thing, because getting back to life after them only makes me feel much worse. My youth has been taken away from me and I feel doomed to be lonley and hating my appearance for the rest of my life.I have no idea what is the point of this post, but anyway, thank you for reading and have a nice rest of the week. Going bald is slowly killing me",Suicidal +7446,"No matter what I do in everything I fail. Extensive training, hard work, full on focus, getting tutored/coached. I then still fucking fail no matter what every single time. I am a fucking dumbass and there is nothing I can do about being a dumbass. There is no IQ booster. Its the brain I am born with. Fuck this piece of shit life that I have. I can never succeed in anything I put my mind to whatsoever. There is no hope for that. None. I cannot wait to end it What is the point if you work your ass off and still fail everytime",Suicidal +7447,I went and tried to get help for my suicidal thoughts at a and e and after waiting crying in a chair for 6 hours and me telling them I wanted to try hang myself again they told me to go home and rest.I am so confused. Why will not anyone help me? I am trying so hard.They say go get help do not give in - but when I go for help I am turned away. I feel like I am just going to break. hopeless,Suicidal +7448,"Hi, I do not know why I am writing this here or anywhere at all, but I feel like a mess and do not know what to do and pheraps someone here can help me.I cannot say I have ever struggled in life, I had everything I needed to this day, my parents always suported me even when I probablt disnt deserve it, I have a social life and friends even tho I am not very social, I feel like I have every thing One would need to live right. However I do not feel good about myself, have not felt since around 7 grade. Even tho I had everyting i could not bring myself to work towards a future. I never tried my best in school even tho I was fully aware that I needed to study in order to get a good job and live a confortable life, to make my parents proud and retribute the effort they put in to me. I ended up staying one more year in highschool finnishing a subject i failed and that marks one of my biggest lows, I saw my friends going to college having fun but most importantly going forward towards something, and there I was left behind with no purpose whatsoever. I started to feel depressed and started to stay late at night just thinking about life itself, purpose, value, right and wrong, it would call it an existencial crisis where i looked at myself not as me but as 1 in 7 billion, things I had as absolute such as concepts and values started to seem subjective and as time went on i came to face what I now know as nihilism. I started to stop sleeping in my bed because it seemed pointless, talking to people seemed meaningless to me, i resorted to procrastination in a whole nother level just so I would not have to think about living and life in general, the world to my eyes was if it had lost its color. And that when it hit me, why do I have to live like this? All this thoughts, lonelyness, zero purpose, crying nights, what reason do I have to stay? Suicide made its home in my head from there on but I still feared deaths, there were a few times where I grabed my fathers gun and just sat on the floor thinking, can I do this? What if this? What if that? I never could bring myself to do it and I always ended up cryng over how I cannot commit to anything even could not bring myself to end that cycle. After sometime i friend presented me a girl which would become my first girlfriend, the first person to this day to make me feel loved even tho how shity I felt I was. The relationship had a bad start since due to what was going in my head i could not bring myself to fully trust anyone and she was no exeption, everytime she went out to party I was overwhelemed with axiety and panic attacks, i could not contain it and had to talk with her to calm down which would always mess her night. With time and her icentive i went to college as well, my parents had to getMoney from the bank to pay for it but i felt like I was getting out of my hole, fjnnaly a light at the end of the tunnel. But it was not like that, today she left me 5 months ago because of my lack of my pupose in life, even tho my parents made the biggest effort I still have to make an extra year in college due to subjects i left due to my lack of effort and purpose. And now I feel slowly faling back into that hole, I even lost 15kg working out and trying to better myself but still i cannot seem to bring myself to ""live"" and still lack pupose. I try doing things but allways find some sort of escapism. Lately I have been feeling like a lost case, i suicide has been on my mind lately as well, i just do not know what to do, I still fear death and the worst part is that I had EVERYTHING and I messed up, i threw out every oportunity that is was given to me while there are other people strugling and still make an effort to move forward, i feel miserable, a failiure, and a waste of effort that was put on me. I am sorry for the long text and the bad english but I dknt want to worry my family and friends but still wanted to share what I felt for at least on time in my life, thank you for reading and if you are strugling please keep going, oportunities will arise but please take them, make it worth it do not be like me. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +7449,"i feel like i have no reason to live. my brother is being an asshole, so i started crying and then he continued to play the play station, like he did not even care. My existence does not matter to anyone. and that is just how it is. if someone could help that would be appreciated :( Kill Me",Depression +7450,Nothhhingggggggg but pain of course I get nothing out of life,Suicidal +7451,"Everything seems to be orchestrated to make me feel the absolute worse. Surprised I have not had a heart attack yet, prob will soon- my stress levels r never low. My life is so against me",Suicidal +7452,"I have had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember and from last year it is been really bad. Now this year is just pushing me over the edge. First my grandpa died then my dad got so sick he could have died and needed an emergency operation and he will need one more in a few months. Then my cat got really sick and she is still sick and I am trying so hard to get her better but I am failing. Then an animal at work that I have been really close to died while under my care. I have a partner but no friends and animals are my heart and soul. People generally repulse me. So, people might think that pet problems would not effect someone very much, but for me it totally stops my life and takes me over.The anxiety about my dad being OK is just on my mind constantly and the fact that the animal at work died under my care makes me feel so horrible and useless, I could not save him.. what the he will am I even there for then? And then my loving, lovely cat that I cannot help.. what the hell am I here for then? I wish she could just get better and I could get sick instead. I would give my life for her wellbeing if it was only possible to make the trade. I have not slept in 4 nights because I have been watching over her. And now awaits another sleepless night. And then tomorrow I have to go to work and it is killing me because ill have to leave my cat and I will not be able to watch her and I will just be a ball of anxiety while somehow working.My partner tries to be supportive but she does not really understand and when she jokes and smiles I just feel so alone.The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is how much it would hurt my parents and that I would fail my cat, she would not understand where her mommy went and then she would have to move and get a new mommy and I am responsible for her. But I am starting to feel like I am failing her anyways and someone else could be a better mommy to her and my parents are probably so tired of me and my constant nagging from worrying.Everytime I am driving I am thinking about finding a good brick wall to accelerate in to. I cannot take this any more. The constant sadness, hopelessness, worrying and fear This year has been hell and I just want to leave",Suicidal +7453,"I have been depression for 13 months now and recently I have emotional numbness. I need some advice and help.Have a lot to say and want to talk about but I do not know where to start and how and it will be really a huge post.But I really remember the day my depression started...it showed up suddenly while I was playing a game on my mom's phone. I was watching the character's special attack animation and she was beautiful made my heart pump a nice pump (Like that pump when you see ur crush) , and after that pump i felt my whole energy going down and my muscles down as well and was like spidy when he said "" I do not feel so good...I do not know what is happening"" Cuz I really did not know what is happening and since then I begun a long journey till now with anxiety and sadness and now Numbness. I really want this to go away...I want to just feel again...even to feel sadness again.It started on the beginning of my senior year and now I am kind of a lost doomer with really lot of good things but I cannot feel any. Numbness",Depression +7454,"I have been fairly happy recently, a lot happier than I have been in a really long time. I do think my depression is greatly improving. But I still wish I could take a break from being me for a day. Like take a vacation from being trapped in my own body. Its just exhausting and I think I would like myself a lot more if I was not always around me. Does anyone else relate? I wish I could take a break from being myself for a day",Depression +7455,"Just forced to carry on with this stagnant, awful, lifeless existence. I just want to scream, cannot even do that. If I am going to live like some AI bot then at least give me the emotionless state of one too. Tired of the pain. I am about to Wake up tomorrow and have to act as if I was not just crying my eyes out last night.Id love to b able to hire a hitman fr No way out",Suicidal +7456,"So I am in my 30s CPTSD pretty much every single symptom of thatChildhood neglect childhood abuse be molested as a kid and they grew up to be raped and physically abused and drugged I have been beat up by a boyfriend all that crap.So here I am I told my mom last week that I am not going to make it to the end of the year. I am not getting the proper help I can only see counsellor once a week and her advice for that was to find a psychologist that she would pay for once a month..... Last time I was in the hospital they said my CPTSD is critical and I need like the life saving help.So last week told my mom I need something more something impatient something where I can actually heal if you forgive me the right treatment. Her advice was basically stopped being a little bitch and just go back to the 24-hour hold.Then I called her 30 days ago and said I cannot fucking do this I am going to kill myself and I do not want to but I need like intense intervention right now or I am going to lose my fight.Her response was I do not know what to do but should I call the police on you......Now 2 days after which is now today, she calls me and leaves a voicemail cuz I was on the phone with two other lines already like one was I was on hold and the other one was actively like having a conversation. She send s this sulky guilt trippy fake I care about you I really need to know how you are doing' So I actually tried to call back because there is not maybe she wanted to finally help me. 6 hours later she finally picks up and says you know I have friends and people and places to be You do not need to be calling me all the time. And I said yeah like always there is always something before me. And then I told her I figured out the trip that she takes quite often is hours shorter than a drive to me..... So why have not you showed up.She says I do not have an answer I cannot talk to you right now you are always being an hassle and hung upSo in case I was not feeling it desperate as soon as I am before...... I just I got you kitten thinking it could be something to look for. But I am dying I cannot feel it I have not done anything that I just.. You know when your time is coming and I am trying my best to hold on but everybody pries my fingers off. I just need to figure out who I give trust with my cat because she deserves the best and then my time's up Times almost up",Suicidal +7457,"I come home from school, lock myself In my room, cut myself up and write suicide notes, then when I finally manage to come out for dinner they get angry at me for not doing my chores and say I am lazy and I am just addicted to my pc, then I have a full on mental breakdown in front of them and that just say its because I am not on my pc because of how addicted I am, its not fair tf am I even supposed to do now Its not fair how little my parents understand me",Suicidal +7458,"i do not do anything, things just happen to me. I am powerless. I cannot survive on my own, i cannot leave my house, i do not feed myself, i can barely work for a few hours sitting at a computer before getting exhausted. Exhaustion that makes the chest feel heavy and the eyes drop and I just feel like screaming. I cannot bear the responsibility of being alive, i just exist, I wake up, i look for reasons to get up, cannot find any so I just do because I am expected to, not because I really want it.Its all so taxing, so tiring. ANd to be honest I do not want to get better, I just want to rest. I do not understand where do people draw the strenght to keep waking up everyday voluntarily. Then again I have nothing to cling on. no friends, no future, no goals or ambitions and there is always the temptation and the choice to just quit. I am past the point of wanting friends. I am scared of friendships, I have not have one since middle schoolI m not going to get vaccinated. TPTB do not care about me, so why so suddenly do they want me to get a shot? its in my best interest you say? no, dying is my best interest. I already had covid back in february. I was a coward, I will not kill myself, death will come to me, like everything in life. complaining will not solve anything but I do not care, I never accomplish anything either I am not fully commited to living and never will be",Suicidal +7459,"If I do not get back into my college courses for next year then Ill do it at the end of August, same for if I am not 90-95lbs by the end of August.If I get into college next year, Ill give it 1-2 months to see how its going, if I spend all my breaks in the bathroom or I do not make any friends then Ill kill myself after Halloween.If for some reason I am not super lonely again, Ill see how my grades are by Christmas. If I am failing anything, Ill do it after Christmas so I get at least one last Christmas with my family.If I do not have a job by my brothers birthday, Ill kill myself in January.And if life is still going shit by my birthday next year, Ill kill myself just before/after my 18th.I think that is a pretty decent plan of the next potential year of my life I will kill myself eventually, this is my plan for the next year",Suicidal +7460,"The only things my mom can do is provide with the bare minimum which are food, shelter and etc. Other than that she is just terrible, and maybe sometimes she is nice when she is not screaming at me for nothing. I would say she is toxic because she always compares me to others including herself, she is a massive hypocrite who gets mad at me when I do the exact same thing as her, shr hit me as a child and also once when I was 12 byt that is a different story, she cursed at me as a child, she even fighted with her own mom and also with her dad for like half a year after we moved with him and even though she knows I have trouble with selfharm and that I am suicidal (because the psychiatrist had to tell her) she did not change a bit. Still yelling at me for little things and because of one of our daily fights I relapsed after I tried so hard to resist the urges. And I am writing this post right after one of our big fights where I *again* told her that she is not a good mom and that she is not self aware at all. In the end I told her that I did not want the psychiatrist to tell her because I do not trust her, I did not want to tell her that I think I have OCD because I do not trust her, I told her about my almost suicide attempt and that it was right after one of our massive fights, and after all that she says that there is still more life to live, so I am just done. I want to cut so bad right now but I do not want to use a knife again, I want to use a sharo blade but I cannot get one. She is also one of the people that thinks that a positive mindset will make everything better. Well mom, it is kind of hatd to get my grades up when I gave up on school and life. I hate my mom",Suicidal +7461,"Same conclusions, misery stew brewing The blues plague me, cannot escape the VOID Heart in knots I cannot connect the dots it is simple and plain I see the gaping VOID what is the purpose I am running in circles... I miss life before my existence No feeling means no pain No consciousness means no game cannot play this with a broken controller Send me back into the VOID it is where I belong For this who like this life shit Good for you but it are not for meFuck off and so longYours sincerely The VOID The VOID",Suicidal +7462,"It is exactly what I am saying,girls my age get married,have careers,friends. I have failed,never been desired,but good enough for domestic shit I guess. I am tired,lonely and have no strength to fight. I am ugly,fat and a loser.",Depression +7463,"I currently live in WV, and I honestly hate it. Most of my friends and family live here which I feel would hurt me some emotionally, but I just do not feel like I will ever be happy here or free. Just trying to gain insight on others that have moved and left most of their family and friends were you happier? Did it feel like starting over? Thanks in advance. Moving out of state opinions?",Depression +7464,"I have wasted 18 years of my life,soon 19 5 months. If I started to learn a skill, Id be way behind. I learned nothing, people say its not possible I wasted 18, but I fucking did. Why not just live a fast short life with my useless body, and mind. Why not join a gang and die fast and hard. 18 goddamn years all lost. I want to do art digital first drawing.but why even try I am making no progress. What good artist started a 18 which fucking one. Ill always be pathetic I want to die at 20. Just die living a high paced life. Fuck it. I am pathetic I could do good in a gang or the military. Who cares if I die into never to late its never to late. Yes it fucking is Ill never get those goddamn years back. I am useless why I am a fucking leech all good people did something trained young. Yet I am here with no fucking anything. Fuck this. what is the point.",Suicidal +7465,"As much supportive as my bf is with my depression, its so fucking scary to tell someone that would never do this that if it was possible to kill myself painlessly, I would. I think I got to the conclusion today that my life is not going to get better if I do not admit this. However it feels like such a selfish thing to do bc I do not him fo worry all the time and this to mess with his mood. I feel like I am selfish with everyone for not caring bc I am so depressed, and then I also feel like its selfish if I tell someone that I would like to die bc of the burden I am putting on them. Please help me by saying how you told someone you felt this way and how they took it.Note: I am aware that I need a psychiatrist and probably taking meds How to explain to someone your suicidal thoughts",Depression +7466,"and I am having a hard time forgiving myself for the fact that I am a quiet person. I have been in horrendous situations where I feel stupid as hell for even getting myself into especially when it comes to work.. I have had challenges for years and at 29 years old, it still has not gotten better. I have a social disorder and the pandemic made it worse.. I am at home, friendless, cannot drive, jobless, never had a relationship, and I feel like an absolute loser for having depression and anxiety still. Its mentally taxing!!!! I feel like I am as weird as people say..",Depression +7467,"There no point to my existence, I am 17 years old and I have done nothing with my life, and a 13 year old won a gold metal at the Olympics I feel like I am not amounting to anything I am useless, I have done nothing to make my parents proud I am useless",Suicidal +7468,"Sometimes the things that break us eventually do set us on the right path. Even when its messy and fucks with your brain. Keep on, fam. I have recently begun the divorce process, and while it was heartbreaking, I have been better everyday that we have been apart.",Depression +7469,"I am going to be 30 in a few months and I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was about 13. No matter what I do whether it be work out, eat healthy, take my meds, do my job, have relationships, etc I always end up back in the same place. My bf and I have been going through a rough patch and I am pretty sure he wants me to leave him alone so he can move on. I told him I am having suicidal thoughts not as a way of manipulating him just trying to communicate what I am going through and he made me feel so terrible. I am already ashamed for feeling this way and he said he does not know what I want him to do with this information. I feel so alone and lost. what is the point in life anymore. I feel so ashamed",Suicidal +7470,I am from the uk and all my life there is just been pain from a young age i was sexually assaulted/ raped by my dad for years. Even though its years later i still cannot get over the traumatic memories. Tonight i was going to end it until my friend told my sister. The world is pointless in one hundred years nobody will remember you anyway. I am going to end it at 14,Suicidal +7471,"We broke up. She was my first and will be my last. Never went into relationship before because I knew how much I would fall for the person. I know compromises in a relationship should be for all the good causes of our personal wellbeings. I do not think I am any good but I always encouraged her to be better than me personally, academically and pure from the influence of drugs, booze and people with negative energy and maintain a better social media hygiene etc. Despite all the hurtful things I have endured, all I wanted in return were to influence me in a positive way for me to give up smoking, control myself when got cranky at times etc. so that it becomes a two way street. She meant the world to me. The world where great things would happen. We made so many memories and planned our future together. But in the end I lost her, lost my world and I have nothing left. No reason for me to stay in the world anymore",Suicidal +7472,"I graduated college. Now suddenly my friends ignore me and the only one that hangs out with me is toxic as hell and treats me like shit. Like I am sorry I am bad at apex leave me alone. Now my gf is going to grad school in Kansas while I lay on my fucking bed. My family must feel like poking me with a stick. Like come on do something. But I cannot. I even tried moving out but the landlord texting me thought I was someone else and revoked the lease. No one want to hire me for a job, I do not know what to do anymore and I have run out of my meds. Sorry for the rant but I am so sad. I miss my friends so much and I just wish I knew what I did wrong for them to cast me aside. I want to go back to school and study what I love and get good grades and feel pride. But its all gone. I did not do anything. But I have lost my life I feel like I have lost everything",Depression +7473,They knew about my depression and they made fun of it and choose to hurt me. They even made fun of the fact that I did not kill myself. They hurt someone who was already broken inside and they are proud of it.I do not want to be in pain anymore. They won. Nobody cares,Suicidal +7474,I am really fuckin sad I am in this summer term for college and I cannot control myself or anything around me I feel like I am worthless I do not have any friends I try to open up to people but I just cannot I am struggling like never before,Depression +7475,"My boyfriend has been leading with depression for some years now, we have been dating for 8 months and in this time he was quite okay (when we started the relationship he was taking antidepressants and sometime after he dropped them) but now he is getting worse again (I have noticed it and he also talked to me about the topic).I am really worried because, although I know that is normal and there is nothing I can do about it, I love him and I do not want him to suffer (he also is thinking about taking the antidepressants again even though he really hate the dependency that they create and how they make him not feel himself at all).Has anybody gone through a situation like this earlier?Does anybody has any kind of advice?PS: I have not experienced diagnosed depression myself but I have been through some kind of depressive episodes and spent time with many people that was leading with depression before so I am quite conscious about the topic My boyfriend is getting worse again",Depression +7476,"I know...the title sounds annoying and desperate...but I really needed to tell someone, anyone. This is probably a result of PMS...but I really do want someone to lay in bed and cry to. I am so touch starved and lonely. I have felt this way for years. I just want someone to hold me and reassure me. To comfort me through all the shit I go through. Sometimes the loneliness gets so bad and I cry alone in my bed. Sometimes I wrap myself around a pillow and have to pretend it is someone, a boyfriend, for comfort. This is one of those times. Ik after this I will get up, brush myself off, and get on with my life, like I always do. I have to. But it would just be so nice to have someone hold me and whisper sweet nothings to me. To feel his warm embrace and his fingers play with my hair. To make me feel like I am worth protecting. Like I am important to at least someone. I am always fighting with myself internally. Ik that I should not have to depend on anyone for happiness. That I should be my own independent woman or whatever. And it is not like I am going to settle for someone who does not treat me right....and I know life is not all about love and relationships....but I just...I love feeling WANTED by somebody. Maybe that makes me needy and codependent but I just love it so much. I love being praised and spoiled with love. It hurts when I see other people living the life I want to live. Like I am happy for them...but it hurts bc I want that so badly. I want to be somebody is baby too. somebody is world. I want to be special to somebody too. Honestly it does not help that I might have daddy issues....Anyways I needed to get that off of my chest. Thanks for reading it all if you have gotten this far. <:) I want a boyfriend so badly right now",Depression +7477,"I am lifeless, I live only for the hope to be with the one who will understand me. Its impossible to describe the pain I have felt emotionally. All I have had was myself to keep me from totally giving up, telling myself ,to hang in there, it will all get better, I am strong, I am lying to myself. I see straight through everyone, everyone I have known have all been fake, I know they do not care about me. I have cried myself to sleep multiple times this year. I feel like I am the only one going through this even though I am not. I try, and I try to be the best person that I can be, someone who can be accepted by others. I want to die. Whenever I feel an ounce of happiness the pain always comes back to me. I am tired of living.",Suicidal +7478,"After unsuccessful attempts I found my final plan for a week from now, I found it ironic that that when a post asked to stop and thing about what I would miss and the only thing I could come up with was the state fair that I went to when I was young. I am not asking for advice or planning to change my mind, but I found it sad that was all I would miss. Id rather not share my story since I have shared it with so many in my life while I was asking for help and going to therapy this whole time and was always ignored or told that I just needed to continue to talk about it. Life was not fun",Suicidal +7479,"Hey Reddit, sorry if this is too much but I really do not know where else to turn to so any advice at all would be helpful.One of my closest friends since I was 15 has been going through a lot recently, she is open about her feelings and what has happened to her and has always said she feels like her life is not worth living. We had not talked for a while since 2018 but she reached out last month and we have been hanging out a lot since then.However, she told me that at the beginning of this year she was sexually assaulted by an immediate family member and since then she has been traumatised and has developed PTSD. She told the rest of her family about this when it happened and wanted to press charges against him but they do not hear that as the perpetrator is under the age of 16, and I think this is the main reason as to her feeling this way as she told me she had always been quite close with her mother (who does not want her to press charges). Since then she has been living in a refuge as she cannot stand to be around her family, understandably, but it means that I cannot even try to call emergency services to come to her location as these places do not give out their address (even to the residents).She seems like she will go through with it as I found out she has been spending all of her money on her friends and buying people gifts, which sounds like her because she is an amazing person who has always been there for other people. And now it feels like no matter what I say or do, it is not enough and as someone who has thought the same things as her I understand that completely. She also told one of her friends that she has bought the 'equipment' to commit suicide and is planning on doing it next week (she did not specify which day as she does not want anyone stopping her) as she had tried to get through to her mother again earlier today about pressing charges but to no avail.I have spent a lot of time with her recently as it felt really good seeing her again and catching up after so many years, it is like she never left but she is about to. She reconnected me with one of my old buddies too, but since then told us that it was part of her 'bucket list.' I really do not know what to do I cannot even thin straight so I am trying to ask anyone I know for some advice, the situation she is in is a horrible one which I cannot even fathom so it feels wrong even trying to look for some way to help her as she is so insistent on what she is planning to do.If it helps with the advice, we live in the UK. Any advice or help whatsoever would be so greatly appreciated. My (M21) friend (F21) has been planning to k*ll herself next week and I do not know what to do",Suicidal +7480,"I know it sounds stupid, Almost everyone outlives their grandparents. but he is so important to me. He has been involved in my life so much. Much more than my parents even. Hes like a parent and a best friend. My homelife is very poor. My Mom is verbally abusive and my father works almost all of the time. My grandparent's house was the only place I could go to when no one else wanted me. it is the only accepting place I know. I love my grandfather more than anyone could imagine. He is violently ill with covid. We aren;t sure if he will make it. He has been getting progeresivlet worse. I have not seen him in two weeks. I miss and and I want to make sure he is ok. I am sorry pop. I cannot live without you... My Grandfather is very ill and I do not know if I can live without him.",Suicidal +7481,"I am not a woman I am a man, I am mentally a male but physically a female. I have know this for years. I just cannot live anymore, every time I am referred to as a woman, she, as a her or someone is daughter. It just feels like my mental health and stability just deteriorates more and more, it makes me just want to jump off the edge. At this point just seeing my disgusting body and face just wants to make me end it all. I just feel so goddamning uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own body. I just wish i could finally live life as who i am, as a man. That i can finally be myself and stop wearing this mask around any and everyone. Id rather die than keep living as a woman",Suicidal +7482,"I feel like my friends only talk to me because they feel bad for me but secretly hate me. These past few days have been me feeling sad and empty, and i cannot fucking take it anymore. I feel like a complete burden to anybody I have ever talked to, and i bet the world would be better off without me. Anyone feel the same way i do? I feel like a burden to the world.",Depression +7483,I am being serious. I feel so agonizingly hopeless that I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I could go walk to the train tracks near my house and wait for a train but I am seriously afraid Id survive the attempt and Id be worse off than I am now. The fact that I feel like I cannot end my life hurts more than what is making me want to end my life to begin with. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel so trapped. The only think that is stopping me from ending my life is the fear of surviving the attempt,Suicidal +7484,"So I have epilepsy and other various health conditions. If I refuse my medication, and tell my provider that, would that be grounds for them to get me put in a psych unit against my will? Death by refusing medication",Suicidal +7485,I am a joke to everyone. i am a dissapointment to my parents and my friend. i hate living. but I am to scared to kill myself. I am a disgrace,Suicidal +7486,"I do not know how else to say this. My air conditioner is broke, my car is broke down I do not have a working washing machine, no money to fix it. I have barely any friends, no love life existing, and now I am leaving my moms house because we have been at each other's throats. I just do not know what do do anymore. I know some people have it worse than me but it is just so tough sometimes and I do not know what to do with myself. Oh and not to mention the fact my birthday is in 5 days. Happy birthday to me . Why me...",Depression +7487,"note: this is a throwaway account specifically for this subreddit and a couple others of similar topic.----pretty much the only thing keeping me here is musicit's like music knows when you need someone, and it is genuinely the only friend that will not ever leave you behind when it eventually gets bored of you. because it will not get bored of you. music is just there. forever. whenever you need it.whoever invented music is a fucking genius.honestly i do not think i could have survived these 17 years without music. it is been so painful at times and honestly i just feel like crying when i remember everything I have lived through, especially the last 5 years. but i had music. and music got me through it all.because of all of that shit, any criticism i get from anyone hurts way more than it should. but i do not show that of course, because there is no point, as nobody would understand.but that is not the point of this post, i do not want to talk about that stuff here. maybe one day i will make a post about that stuff.my point here is that music is the best, most helpful, most loving, most comforting, most amazing friend in the whole world.and I am scared that one day i will lose interest in music, just like i lost interest in so many other things that i loved. a few years ago, i had some friends who i vented to a little. but they did not understand me like music does. and these friends all ditched me so i stopped venting to people unless i really really trust them. even then they know barely anything about me. yet here i am writing this.i do not even have to vent to music because music already knows and understands everything that you have been through.I am sorry if this makes no sense, I am so tired while writing this so it probably does not make sense.thank you for reading. it means a lot to me. music is the only true friend that will never leave you",Suicidal +7488,"I cannot seem to do anything right. I lack awareness on all levels. I am bad at almost everything I do, I am just slow in general. I am 16 and it seems like I am surrounded by smart people even though the only reason it seems that way is because I am just such a moron. I am so self conscious about my intelligence that I can barely focus on anything without constant thoughts about killing myself. I am constantly reminded of my stupidity and I hate it. I am trying to do activities like meditation, yoga, cardio, rubix cubes, and other hobbies to get sharper. but its so hard to keep going because the struggle is way harder for a below average person like myself during mentally demanding activities. I have other problems with myself but there are too many to count. Even physically I cannot stand myself, I feel like a disappointment to my parents every time they look at me. If literally anyone sees this, please try and tell me what I can do to combat this because I am at a loss. Maybe a suggestion to boost myself mentally, because that would give me more self confidence. As I said though I am trying different hobbies, but if you have any testimonials from your own experience or good insights to my kind of situation please comment, I am starting to lose hope. I want to kill myself because I am dumb.",Suicidal +7489,"I needed to get this out because I have been bottling up everything for 3 years now.I have felt horrible for the last 3 years now. I am diagnosed with severe social anxiety, Anger issues, ADHD and, autism.3 years ago I got raped by a son of my dads friend. I have not ever told anyone about this and still think about it every day and it just hurts so fucking much. The next year while on vacation I was mad and out of rage I hit a window. This cut into my artery and I almost bled out. I still get flashbacks from this and never fully recovered. Due to covid I failed all my classes because I did not have any motivation and was severely depressed. I just want for it to all be over.It feels like nothing in my life is going well. Every time I am happy because I am with friends I zone out and think about all of the things stated above. I just cannot deal with this anymoresidenote: I am sorry if this is hard to read. English is not my first language and I am very bad at talking about how I feel .",Suicidal +7490,This is what the government wants poor people to do and THEY WIN. I WILL DO IT FOR THEM. I do not GET TO GO TO SCHOL BECAUSE I am POOR. I am NOT GPING TO LIVE IN DEBT. I GIVE UP I have to do something because I am poor,Suicidal +7491,"I am a bisexual man. But I do not want to be anymore. I am trying to not be open about my sexuality because I do not want to be viewed as a predator, deviant, degenerate, etc. I am scared of getting dirty looks or having slurs yelled at me for holding my boyfriend's hand in public.This just makes me hate myself even more than I already do. there is no place in society for someone like me. I do not want to be queer anymore",Depression +7492,I am tired should I Should I end it,Suicidal +7493,Idek where to start there is some days my thoughts be eating me alive where I cannot even eat and there is others I feel fine mostly feel like shit tho. kind of been giving up on myself no one knows how much I struggle so if I told anyone I know they would be shocked to hear but I are not telling no one fuck that I am about to keep going I guess I will never have the balls to end it all so fuck it. This shit kicking my ass wtf,Depression +7494,"I posted this in r/depression as well, but I figure this would be more appropriate. I always feel like I should not have any real reason to be depressed because I live in a first world country where there is an abudance of opportunity for anything you want. However, I have feelings of self-doubt, pity, anxiety and a general low self-esteem most of the time. I am 23 years old and I hate my life. I graduated in Mechanical Engineering in August 2020 and I still have not found a job in my field. This is partially the reason why my depression is bad. I have never had a girlfriend in my entire life and the last girl I tried to talk to ended up ghosting me. I do not particulary blame them either as it is my fault at the end of the day. I cannot beat the depression no matter how hard I try. I have followed every piece of advice I can take such as exercising, eating well, sleeping 8 hours a day, getting sunlight and I still feel like a piece of shit more and more.I would believe this might have to do with childhood-teenage trauma that I have had. My brother was not the best person in my life, which sucks becasue up to when I was 13 years old, he was amazing and awesome. Afterwards, he would because me a lot of physical abuse and mental abuse. He gave me two black eyes in school which many teachers would question if I was okay at home. I was not but I did not let them know that to protect my brother from receiving a bad reputation. I told my parents, but they did not really do anything about it besides a stern talking to my brother. He left me in -15 temperature one time for a few hours where I was just wandering the neighbourhood (I live fairly far from any store so I did not really have a shelter). The thing that makes it worse is that he has a successful life with a loving wife and amazing friends. It makes me sad that people can harm others and still never receive any karma.The next factor is the amount of bullying I received as a kid from my former friends. Surprisingly the ones who became my bully was my friend. This friend is very charismatic and good at getting friends himself. Due to my shyness and having virtually no backbone, I became a really easy target when we started highschool as he was able to convince other kids to bully me as well. The bullying was not anything crazy, just name-calling and making me look dumb a lot. However, they did this every day and it ended up taking a toll on me. These kids are also super successful now and have great relationships.I realized more in University how pathetic and below average I am to my peers. Everyone else can do things much more easier than I can, have much more talents, and are generally smarter than me. I have extreme social anxiety and I always struggle showing my persoanlity around others. Maybe it is a defense mechanism and I will be betrayed again. (Some Good Will Hunting type of shit lol) If it was not for TV shows and the internet, I would be a lot more depressed than I am now. I honestly believe I am a burden to everyone around me and my parents are making it more clear that they do not want me around since I have not obtained a job in my field and am sorta just coasting in life right now. Thank you for reading this post if you have, but if not I understand as well.TL;DR: I am killing myself in a month and I generally do not have any actualy reason to want to keep living Killing Myself Soon",Suicidal +7495,I just watched an early 2000s movie and I feel more depressed. Last time I watched it life felt so alive and real. 20 now and everything is just lifeless. Generally did not think life would be like this. Just sharing,Depression +7496,"Because it is ""too easy to find a gf"" ? No it is not. Maybe for you. Not for me. Not for a lot of people I bet.I will do it anyway. Because as you get older its even harder. what is the point of living if you cannot get anything you want? Why should not I be depressed over being a virgin that cannot find a gf?",Suicidal +7497,"I have chronic health problems and pain, i have 2 bad phobias, i have anxiety and ocd symptoms, I am lonely, I am depressed, my mom is dying, I am suicidal.My anxiety and pain is crushing me. I am decaying, I am dying. I am losing the fight.My mom has a really serious illness and she can die any moment and probably will not live long anymore. She is the only person who cares about me, nobody else gives a fuck. She is also depressed and suicidal. She has threatened suicide but said that she is still alive just beacuse of me. She is the best mom ever.We live in the middle of nowhere and covid did not change anything. I have been living in this kind of isolation my whole life. And i have no friends, everyone thinks I am annoying. I am going to a different school now and i know absolutely no one. Its a big school and i was in a really small school. A huge change and facing it alone. I am so damn scared. I am probably going to get bullied beacuse of my appearence. If i get bullied.... I am going to kill myself. I am either anxious or in a neutral mood or i feel a strange mix of numbness and sadness. I cannot enjoy life. I am always thinking about this. I cannot cry even if i wanted.I have never actually got a full on anxiety attack but last night i took a knife and held it to my wrist. I did not do anything, i just sat there for a couple of minutes and then put away the knife. I knew that there was no way i could die, i would just had shredded my tendons and everything and fucked up my hand beacuse that is what usually happens when you slit your wrists. And i really like drawing and a lot of other stuff i need my hands for.As long as my mom lives, i live. If she dies, i die. I cannot live without her. I really cannot.Everytime i think about suicide i get really anxious and i want to cry but i once again cannot.Only thing that keeps me going is writing lyrics and poems and stuff. I really love it, its one of the most important things for me.Sorry if this was unclear or had grammar mistakes, english is not my first language and I am really tired. I..... i fucking.... i do not even know anymore what to say",Suicidal +7498,"Ever since the UK had a large country lockdown thing last year, my social life has gotten worse and sometimes I cannot even speak as I do not know what to say.Recently, I have been getting more persistent suicidal thoughts and wanting to self harm. Thankfully, my addiction to the internet has basically saved my life as I have found out what phobias are. Me having a phobia of death and pain really saves me from doing anything to hurt myself. Though, at times I get SERIOUS thoughts, but I try and consider the good things in life and turn to them for help.Another problem is that me and my parents have completely different views on mental health. I think it is looked down upon to be ""mentally unstable"" and it should be talked about more, my mum is a nurse who thinks she knows everything but she most certainly does not, and lastly (the worst of all) my dad. He tells me that I should not cry because its annoying, anxiety is a stupid thing and it is all just a phase, that I am not depressed I am just being a teenager. Speaking of what he says, I am scared of him because he would shout at me all the time when I was little (sometimes It was justified, most of the time it was not) and he tells me that I should be scared - he just does not understand that children are not supposed to be scared of their dads.Sorry this is long but, NEXT. Unfortunately on the subject of suicide, I have attempted to commit suicide. It was a couple months ago when I was in the bath. I was listening to some what I call ""Lucid Dreaming"" sort of music and my family was downstairs watching the TV and nobody had checked on me in a while. Since my mum is always worrying because she knows I struggle with self harm thoughts, I was wondering why she is not shouting up to me asking if I am okay. It kind of just made me feel unwanted as all my family where laughing downstairs whilst this suicidal kid was in a bath by themselves - they could possibly decide to like .. end it all. Suddenly, I was just looking back on all the times I felt empty and I realised how much I was feeling that numb feeling. I just decided to sink beneath the water. It was not until reality set in that I ended up surfacing and thinking it all over. I do not think some people would class this as an ""attempt"" but I think it is.I know this is long, I know I am sorry. I just have a lot to say that I cannot say out loud or I am going to get grief. Some bad things in my life.",Suicidal +7499,"Ever since the UK had a large country lockdown thing last year, my social life has gotten worse and sometimes I cannot even speak as I do not know what to say. Recently, I have been getting more persistent suicidal thoughts and wanting to self harm. Thankfully, my addiction to the internet has basically saved my life as I have found out what phobias are. Me having a phobia of death and pain really saves me from doing anything to hurt myself. Though, at times I get SERIOUS thoughts, but I try and consider the good things in life and turn to them for help.Another problem is that me and my parents have completely different views on mental health. I think it is looked down upon to be ""mentally unstable"" and it should be talked about more, my mum is a nurse who thinks she knows everything but she most certainly does not, and lastly (the worst of all) my dad. He tells me that I should not cry because its annoying, anxiety is a stupid thing and it is all just a phase, that I am not depressed I am just being a teenager. Speaking of what he says, I am scared of him because he would shout at me all the time when I was little (sometimes It was justified, most of the time it was not) and he tells me that I should be scared - he just does not understand that children are not supposed to be scared of their dads. Sorry this is long but, NEXT. Unfortunately on the subject of suicide, I have attempted to commit suicide. It was a couple months ago when I was in the bath. I was listening to some what I call ""Lucid Dreaming"" sort of music and my family was downstairs watching the TV and nobody had checked on me in a while. Since my mum is always worrying because she knows I struggle with self harm thoughts, I was wondering why she is not shouting up to me asking if I am okay. It kind of just made me feel unwanted as all my family where laughing downstairs whilst this suicidal kid was in a bath by themselves - they could possibly decide to like .. end it all. Suddenly, I was just looking back on all the times I felt empty and I realised how much I was feeling that numb feeling. I just decided to sink beneath the water. It was not until reality set in that I ended up surfacing and thinking it all over. I do not think some people would class this as an ""attempt"" but I think it is.I know this is long, I know I am sorry. I just have a lot to say that I cannot say out loud or I am going to get grief. Some things wrong with my life.",Suicidal +7500,But I just cannot stand the thought of living him behind g-d its hard sometimes. It really is. If I did not have a dog I would probably kill myself right now,Suicidal +7501,"I am the only sibling who struggles a lot with mental health, from what I know of. My sister has had her moments, but she is never been constantly struggling, and my brother is always positive. But, I am the one who is depressed. I am the one who is anxious. I am the one who cannot make friends because it pains me to talk to people. I am the one who barely does anything but sit in my room and write and read. My parents have done a lot for me, they always try to help with my mental health, even if they do not understand it, but I wonder sometimes if they are embarrassed of me. I wonder if my sister or my brother is embarrassed of me. I wonder if they all get tried of me asking about small, stupid things because I am terrified about them. I wonder if they get tried of me looking so sad all the time or barely hanging out with anybody. I wonder if when someone asks about me, my parents do not talk about me because who would want to talk about a depressed kid? Anytime I try to speak up and ask for some comfort on something, I feel like my parents are just tired of me. Over the past year, I have been getting better at being able to speak up when worried, but it seems as if they are irritated and upset with me for asking for comfort so much over such stupid things. In my head, they are big and suffering and keep me up at night, but my parents always tell me that I cannot let those kind of things control me. I am trying. I am really trying. But sometimes I just need someone to tell me it is going to be okay, you know? I am worried they all think of me as an embarrassment. I am worried they are getting tired of my questions and my worries. I am just worried that being like this makes me embarrassing. Am I something to be ashamed of? Should I be ashamed? Should I have the strength to work it out on my own? Am I an embarrassment?",Depression +7502,"I am just fed up of everything. Everything and everyone pisses me off and I have tried to be happy but that just does not work. I have made plans of suicide for sometime after i pass my driving test and get a car. Its the only thing i can think of, I have tried self harm but I am too scared of pain, thought about jumping off a building like my brother tried but I am a coward and anything else is too painful or I am scared to do it. I know I have not passed my gcses because i did not try so I probably will not be able to get into college, I am so negative to everyone around me I am scared I am losing friends. Everything about me is just a fucking waste, anyone else could have been born in my place and done better, children are dying in impoverished countries who could have had great potential but people like me were born who are selfish and useless. I do not know what to title this",Depression +7503,Its just miserable and I feel exhausted and like a burden. I am tired of waiting for things to get better. I know I have a lot to be grateful for and there have been some good memories but I have had enough. there is been more despair and pain than moments of happiness. I am afraid that I am losing myself even more as I try to stay here. I am more depressed and cranky and isolated and I do not want people to know me like this. Its tiresome to keep trying to hide the amount of melancholy and desolation that I feel. what is even the point of living if I am not even really living ? I do not want to have a full life span. Id probably contribute the most to society by being dead and donating my organs.Idk why I am still waiting Living feels like a slow form of suicide,Suicidal +7504,"I have been extremely sad since last week and I cannot seem to get back to who I was before this. I write, draw, and sing but I feel like, at 26, its too late for me to make something of myself. An internship I was looking forward to is not going to pan out due to covid, my grandma is having major health troubles, I cannot get ahold of my therapist, and to top it off I started self harming yesterday. I have dealt with suicidal ideation and self harming thoughts before but prior to yesterday Id never actually done anything. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I can usually talk to my mom about everything but I do not want to hurt her or have her think its her fault that I am hurting myself. I have a dog named Sam that I adore. Hes my world and taking care of him is one of my greatest joys. He does not do well when I am out of the room, he cries and cries... I do not want him to miss me if I go and I worry about him looking for me and having a broken heart and not understanding why I left him. I know he would be well taken care of, because my family loves him dearly, but the guilt is almost too much to bear. I feel like a coward for not being able to go through with ending things and I hate how much stress I am putting my family through. I do not know what to do. I do not feel like I am worth having around. I want to give up but I do not think I can. (TW: self-harm)",Suicidal +7505,"Whenever I have a bad day its always the first thing to pop into my head, the answer to every problem all at the same time. Some days I get very depressed and I think about it basically all day but for some reason I am still here. Almost every night when I lay in bed its always on my mind keeping me awake. What would happen if I did it? Would people genuinely miss me? Would I ruin my families lives by doing it? Would the memory of me just fade away? Would people genuinely feel sad, or just surprised? The sad reality of it all is that even if I do it, these questions would remain unanswered, which is the hardest part of it all. I romanticize suicide all the time, I have made it my be all end all solution to everything in life...",Suicidal +7506,I want to die again Please talk to me,Suicidal +7507,"I am just fee up of everything. Everything and everyone pisses me off and I have tried to be happy but that just does not work. I have made plans of suicide for sometime after i pass my driving test and get a car. Its the only thing i can think of, I have tried self harm but I am too scared of pain, thought about jumping off a building like my brother tried but I am a coward and anything else is too painful or I am scared to do it. I know I have not passed my gcses because i did not try so I probably will not be able to get into college, I am so negative to everyone around me I am scared I am losing friends. Everything about me is just a fucking waste, anyone else could have been born in my place and done better, children are dying in impoverished countries who could have had great potential but people like me were born who are selfish and useless. I do not even know what to titke this",Suicidal +7508,"I know it may sound like something stupid to say, but I am really trying my best to hang on. I am in high school, doing my best to have a good school career so I can get into college and run with the plan for my life. I want to be an author. I want to be a dancer. I want to be something big one day, it is always been the first thing I say when someone asks and I have never been embarrassed by it. These are the things that I have been using to keep my head up. But I am starting to wonder if there is no real reason to even dream about it anymore. It seems like the world is going downhill, we will all probably be dead in a few years anyway. I hate thinking that there is no point to fight for anything anymore, but what am I really doing, just staying up stuck with so many horrible thoughts every night? Nobody cares about our planet. People are dying. Communities seem to be tearing apart. there is no more positivity anywhere. It feels as if everyone has just given up, and although I do not want to and it hurts my heart to throw away the idea of being someone big, I am starting to wonder if maybe it is just better if I tried. I do not know what to believe. I do not know what to do. Is there any dream of living past the age of eighteen, or should I give up on these dreams and just stop trying? What am I going to do? Is there any point of trying anymore? Is there a point?",Depression +7509,"I finally decided to talk to the suicide prevention chat, and it did not even work. Pathetic. Suicide Chat Not Working",Suicidal +7510,"My mother died of drug addiction, My brothers abusive and wants me dead, My sister barely sees me, my dad was never there since birth, all my friends and family are either not in my life or pushing me away, and I am living in chronic pain with several physical and mental health conditions. what is left to live for? Ill only be hated and prolong my suffering. I am going to kill myself soon. Everybodys dead and gone and my health is still declining. I am going to end it soon.",Suicidal +7511,"Unless you have magical power, please do not drift away from the questions. Hanging is the best method I can think of right now, considering that I have no access to a gun. Still, pretty creeped out. If there is not an easier alternative, I guess I will have to do it this way. I want to end it, but I am afraid. What to do? Or more specifically, how to do it?",Suicidal +7512,I want to know how to commite suicide. I want to fall asleep and die. I looked on the internet and I cannot find anything. Please help. suicide,Suicidal +7513,"so lemme start with my self i live Iran 17 year old ,male. every time i wake up its nothing inside me that gives me hope or something like that i feel empty inside a void that destroy me everyday , so there is country who like to become north Korea #2 here is everything is shit there is no job for people to work no hope , people are just poor so rn they are trying disconnect internet from {government}the world, i feel hopeless if there is something in my life that keep me entertained is internet.idk what to do there is no job no hobbies everything is worse i have fucking depression for fucking 6 7 years no one understands me , if i want to buy something its fucking expensive cuz of sanctions idk bros if you live outside of ME countries like iran , afghanistan be grateful cuz you may not have them tomorrow i just came here to share it just this. BYE REDDITlife is a gift at the same time is a curse. that is cool very cool!",Depression +7514,"Hi, I am early 20s (M) in Scotland and I have been really struggling with my mental health from loneliness and isolation. This is just perhaps a desperate lost call for guidance haha if anyone out here can relate/empathiseBasically I have had a really tough few years. I was out of a extremely tough relationship just before covid which I have found unbelievably difficult and then combined with all the isolation a year on from covid, I have really been experiencing a huge amount of sadness/depression and loneliness consequently, which has also extremely affected and shaken my self esteem quite a bit and I have lost a lot of confidence and easily get a lot of self-doubt about myself. The relationship was quite one-way I had to put a lot of love in and I was not getting anything back, I feel dumb for hanging on to it for years trying to cling some kind of hope. There have been other stressors as well but this seems to be the worst contributor to my sadnessIt's been a really hard time and I have been trying so hard to get out of it but it can be extremely rough sometimes. I have been paying for expensive private professional help/counselling recently that i self-referred myself to try console me through it but I think at the end of the day I really crave some new social contact and try get my confidence back again. I do not really know what my hobbies are either outside of being outdoors(vague i know) and coding which is not the most sociable thing ever lol. I have tried dating apps for weeks and to very little success. I do not know the best way to meet new people these days? in Scotland? Especially at this ageI appreciate it is a lot/huge ask, the amount I have went through just gets so overwhelming to process and I am just so lost and want guidance; i do not know what to do/where to go. I guess it is just so hard to see the wood for the trees, and I do not know what to do and cannot see how things will get better. I feel like noone can tell me how to to fix it or that things will improve, which makes me feel more hopeless. I want to get out of this rut I have been in for so, so long and to feel loved/validated again and feel good about myself again, as cheesy as that may sound. Sorry for a low-post I do not like putting it upon people Crippling Loneliness after grim breakup",Depression +7515,"I have great family around me, sometimes good friends too. But sometimes the way people treat you makes you feel alone. I also have never found love. I am 23 and I hope the time left means there is hope. But when I treat people with kindness and interest I never seem to receive it back and it breaks me Does anyone feel suicidal because they feel unloved",Suicidal +7516,"My life is horrible, but the one thing I wish I could change was my height. I am 19 so I will not GROW anymore. I feel like I need to end my life. Being a short male is UNATTRACTIVE. POINT BLANK PERIOD. Clothing looks better on tall people. Short men look like KIDS. I fucking hate this shit. I need to FUCKING end it already I am not depressed/suicidal just because of my height, but its a huge part.",Suicidal +7517,"How people have treated me about my lack of attractiveness, feeling undatable like the only way I will get to be with someone is if I date someone mentally unstable or disabled. Like that is what my worth is. It makes me suicidal. It makes me feel like my worth is down to who others think I should be with. People do not know what it feels like to be so agonisingly alone constantly day in and out ruthlessly. But then as soon as I spend time with people I cannot wait to be alone.I just want this fucking bullshit to end Is it worth killing myself because I truly believe Ill never find love?",Suicidal +7518,I was suicidal a while ago. Since I Got out of it I have had a pretty decent life . But sometimes somewhere deep down I want to go back to being suicidal and It feels like my brain deep down enjoyed being suicidal. It is really fucked up.Is there anyway to stop this or am I just mentally fucked? I think I liked being suicidal....,Suicidal +7519,"I cannot even cry or get angry. I am just in awe that this sort of feeling exists. Today, the amount I want to die is unlike anything I have ever experienced before",Suicidal +7520,"I was wondering if anyone knew how bad/painful dying from hypoglycemia is? I have been thinking about how I could best off myself, and thought about insulin. I do not have diabetes, but my family members do, so I have unlimited access to insulin. I know what happens, but is it painful? Thank you. Suicide via insulin overdose",Suicidal +7521,"it is been along time and i have litterally been seconds away from killing myself, but... yeah i want to thank all of my friends for trying to support me but... i guess this is my suicide note. I am going to write one right now on a piece of paper and... yeah I am ending my life. Fuck man. Goodbye.",Suicidal +7522,"& see if anyone would feel bad about hurting me, yelling at me, abandoning me, neglecting me, & abusing me. & i hate to say it but i genuinely want people to feel like absolute shit about me being dead.. & finally see how much pain they put me through. I want them to know that THEIR words & THEIR actions caused me to take my life & Ill be gone forever because of them.I want them to hurt the way i do. tbh, i really want to die JUST to see if anyone would care.",Depression +7523,"I do not see the point of staying aliveIt's been over 10 years of depression, now I think that sadness and despair brings more beautifull things than anything elseI know that I should help, but tbh I am afraid of every people, sorry if you answer to this post I might be afraid of youWith time I got the fear of everyone and anything, I do not have friends since a long time, I do not have family only my mother who talks to me by cupabilityI do not understand why I am writing this, and why I should get a better mental healthSince it is been a long time I just live this as an experimentation, asking myself how much time I could hold all this shit in me without killing myselfSince 2 years I have a lot of panic attacks, I do not have friends anymore, I do not want any gf anymoreI do not know why I am posting it, I honnestly thinks that you should not help me, going to delete this post if I can soon anyway You can skip this post, like really not joking",Suicidal +7524,I just want to knOw - its NOT normal to be indifferent to death? like I do not want to kill myself but I would not care if I got killed. I know it sound strange it does to me and its hard to explain. I am not like rock bottom depressed like I formally was but I almost just do not care too much anymore? I am unsure of what normal feels like ? Its almost as if I either question or worry over every single detail in my head OR I have zero thoughts?? Normal?,Depression +7525,I cannot even string sentences together or deliver my thoughts coherently. Nobody wants me around. I do not have the ability to form connections so I am on the outside of society. I literally cannot go an hour without thinking about how much of a degenerative POS I actually am. The only silver lining about this life is that Ill be dead some time in the future. Hopefully that will be soon. what is the point of life if you have no basic social skills?,Suicidal +7526,"My mom will not let me transition (I am transgender) and I am feeling suicidal. Someone bullied me on twitter a few hours ago, and that was the last straw for me. I just do not know how to convince myself to keep living. I want to live, but I cannot keep on being someone I am not",Suicidal +7527,"I have had depression since I was 13/14 and now I am 25. I have been pushing myself through it every year. Through school, mental breakdowns, work, trying to do everything I am supposed to do. I have felt this collapse coming since the past year, I felt like I am going to break soon. And here it is. Fuck. I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I do not process it. When my boyfriend raises his voice because he cannot stand how I always have a bad attitude then I feel scared then maybe Ill she would a tear, and then Ill forget about it. I feel nothing. I want to die and end everything at this point. Everything does not feel like its right or working out. Promotions or jobs I cannot feel motivated for it anymore. I actually am probably getting a new better job but I do not think I can even handle it. I feel I pushed myself to the fucking extreme all these years trying to be ok and do my job that all the repressed things are coming back to me. I feel like I need to change things right now. I just want to be completely alone but also not alone at the same time. I have been avoiding taking meds the last few years, fear of creating dependency. But I booked an appointment to get some, because I think if I do not try or anything I might actually kill myself. My mood shifts are so fucking extreme. One day I could be looking at all things for the future, planning financials, jobs, homes. The next day I am in bed and time does not seem to exist i just lay there in existential dread of being alive. High functioning depression to crippling depression",Depression +7528,And here I am.Alone.Absolutely pathetic excuse for a birthday. I have made it to 30 years old today.,Depression +7529,"I tried to end it all last night but it did not work. I just woke up today feeling high from all the drugs and alcohol I took . I am probably going to jail next month (1-4 years) for something I did not do but my lawyer wants me to accept the plea bargain. I just do not see the point in life anymore. I am only 22 but I just want to die. I have no friends and no hope of achieving anything anymore. I watched my older brother die of cancer last month and wish it was me instead of him. The universe is one fucked up place. Death is easy, unless you fucking want it :(",Suicidal +7530,"I am tired man. I just do not feel like doing anything anymore. The only thing I actually look forward to is getting high. I am not interested in anything, and to be completely honest, *the very process of learning new things has become a burden to me*. The only thing that keeps me going is that by doing the bare minimum I am able to maintain a lifestyle where all I have to do is show up at work and do a ""good enough"" job and afterwards I can just get high and have a place to go home to. Everything is a burden. Learning how to socialize is a burden. Socializing is in fact the heaviest burden in my life. Everything I just said could be completely directed at simply learning how to socialize and that alone would be reason enough for me to be over and done with life.I am tired of trying to""become"" the ""best version of myself."" I am tired of having to greet people awkwardly over and over again just to get better at it. I am tired of trying to use body language or my own voice in a communicative manner. I am tired of fighting my brain and forcing it to at least pretend to be interested in another person. I am tired of having to fight all of the automatic negative thoughts whenever I have to interact with another human being.I am never going to what I want out of life because of all this so why even live. My motivation is all gone and I am just not capable of enjoying other people. I would rather just go to sleep forever than have to something. I do not want to do anything with my life so what is the point?",Suicidal +7531,"So instead, I am going to listen to music, drink and hope it goes away. Or gets worse. If it gets worse, maybe I will be able to have the will to do something about it. I cannot seem to untangle the thoughts and feelings",Suicidal +7532,I have read that Inositol helps with PCOS symptoms and depression/anxiety. Has anyone experienced any positive effects wrt weight loss as well? Inositol's effect on weight?,Depression +7533,nothing matterswhy bothereverything justgets harderthere's nothing left for mei should just diethere's nothing I will getout of staying alivethe world is a messcan you even expectme to be happywhen it is like thisi've been tryingbut I am still like thisi'm still dyingno denyingI do not really want to kill myselfBut I do not want to live with myselfWhat do I do? What do I doWith this pit in my stomach? what do I do,Depression +7534,"I have been having suicidal ideation nearly every day for the past few years and the older I get, the worse it gets. At this point killing myself feels inevitable. I am taking a break from school and my student loans will be due soon which has been making me feel like I have to just do it. My parents took out tens of thousands in parent loans as well and considering I do not have a degree or a well paying job there is no way I could possibly help to pay it back. And how could I ask them to pay for that when they already are only just scraping by? Killing myself has always felt like the way things will end for me as I have a lot of trouble connecting with people and I really do not want to be alone for another fifty plus years. That being said, it has always felt far away. So now with my student loans looming I feel like its probably coming to be time and its freaking me out a bit to be honest. I have no one to discuss this with (my mom yelled at me when I had tried to discuss this with her a few years ago) so I just needed to write this and put it somewhere. Sorry if I have broken any rules of this sub I have never been here before. feels inevitable at this point",Suicidal +7535,"I have been depressed for as long as i can remember. since i was really young, i have run away into fantasy worlds to escape my current reality. 99% of my problems stem from my family, and how little my parents care about my mental well being. they do not even think the concept of mental health exists. they relentlessly made fun of simone biles recently for dropping out of the olympic competition due to stress. i cannot tell my parents about anything I am going through, and even when i do they dismiss it. i do not feel like trauma dumping on a friend i love and trust. recently things have gotten bad again and i just cannot look forward to anything. i have started to hate the sport i loved for the majority of my life, i have become withdrawn from my friends, i do not have any expectations for the future. the only thing that anyone sees is a high achieving girl that seems to do it all. I am not smart. the only thing I am good at is disappointing my parents. the only thing I have ever wanted is to make them proud but i will never do that. what is even the point of being alive if i cannot make my own family proud of me? i wish i had never been born and i could have saved my parents from all that they have to do for me. i will never give them anything but sorrow and disappointment and resentment. i should just go drown myself like my dad says when you do not look forward to most things",Depression +7536,Just want to know Can I Od on concerta if so how much do i need to take,Suicidal +7537,"Main problems are sharp pains in liver throughout the day constant loss of consciousness for two days after my overdose and my breathing has been a bit more laboured, also wrenching a bit and feeling a bit sick. I am most concerned about the liver pains as they are consistent and actually make me say ouch occasionally and I have a high pain threshold. My liver just does not feel right after this. It was a busy night when I did what I did and I did not feel like a pain to the nurses but probably was to the doctor who could not understand why I was not immediately reacting the way he wanted me to. Well I actually did I just seemed to have a delayed reaction to the drugs I took for whatever reason. I am worried about my liver. I took a pretty high dosage and I do not understand why it took a day to react. Just a couple hours before I was meant to be leaving hospital I started to strongly react to the medication I took. I had all the symptoms. Then I spent the two days immediately after taking the overdose getting all of the worst symptoms. A bit while hospitalised and mostly not. The medication was out of date and there for if i ever needed to kill myself. I would have been smarter doing this a different way because now I have no idea what I have done? Sometimes I do not care then I get a sharp pain in my liver and do not like the idea of dying slowly of cirrhosis. I suppose most people who want to die would rather just take a painless route but those are basically unavailable unless you really know what you are doing. I am having pains after overdose I was hospitalised for a few days ago.",Suicidal +7538,What are clear symptoms of depression in your opinion? At what point did you enroll in therapy/would you recommend enrolling in therapy? What are symptoms of depression?,Depression +7539,I am scared of how they will react if I tried to kill myself. Like would they be angry at me or themselves. Would they be sad. I do not know. I wish I had another reason though. Literally anything. A pet. Something. I do not know My parents are the only thing keeping me alive,Suicidal +7540,"I met my bf at my job that is for mentally ill people he is 19 and I am 29 he asked me out and I said maybe I will think about it. I then said ok and we have been together for almost a year. I am autistic, bpd and intellectual disability, my bf is autistic dyslexic with depression he told me he loves me and bought me a ring to marry him I said yes he wants kids I do to..many people disapprove of this and say I am dating child or I am predator or I should know better. I do not know anymore I do not know what I am and might be best to die so others will be happy. I am not sure what to do so I will be committing suicide soon. I have been suicidal for years. This is just one reason Am I a bad person?",Suicidal +7541,"I have been experiencing an increasingly hellish hell for many years and I am closely nearing the end of what I have the strength to bear. I have money saved to purchase a few acres of land in another state, but my depression, anxiety, and confusion of navigating the adult world has thus far hindered me in making this long-held dream a reality. Too scared of making a mistake, scared of risk and change, even if it is change for the better, something I know I want deep down. So to stimulate motivation, I have made a pact of life and death with myself; if I fail to aquire a new home by the latest deadline of this upcoming December 31st, I will take my own life by opiate overdose in a motel room on January 5th of next year, probably sometime in the evening. It does not help that I want to die anyway. A death pact is hardly a motivator when you are already suicidal. It seems like ending my own existence would be easier and a more certain win than anything else I have ever done as it seems as though my hopes and dreams are nothing but shattered shards of failure and regret. I want to see beauty in life, a reason to keep living, but darkness is blotting it all out now. I hope things change soon. They have to or I am going to die. If my moving plan is not successful by the end of the year, I am killing myself January 5th, 2022",Suicidal +7542,"I have been changing numbers constantly just lately among other stuff I have been doing or not doing due to this feelings that I got during a very toxic relationship, I was doin better before it but the shame and guilt I got out of this just took me many steps back into the dark I used to walk in. I do not really know what I felt, what I am feeling, I just feel I am done. Its weird because during the course of it I felt pity, I felt scared, I felt sorry but mostly ashamed and guilty I still think I could have avoid all of this. I do not have any energy left on me. I used to be a huge player and the fact that I was reminded and worse constantly manipulated and tested and lied to did not help me a lot, yet I still feel this emptiness. Again. Its not the person and my mom blames me she says I am spoiled I do what I want but its not like that. I just want to end it. End all the pain, I cannot take it anymore. I feel like In the past couple of months I have started over and over and over and over from scratch and I cannot stand up again It just hurts so much like either its all my fault or I am just the victim which also somehow makes it even worse, like how stupid I need to be to be usedlike that ?i do not got answers to any of these questions and its been like this all my life. Just different characters to the same twisted plot. I do not know",Suicidal +7543,"The thoughts are coming back. I am feeling suicidal again, I do not know how much more I can take. it is happening again",Suicidal +7544,"Hi, hoping this will make me feel better. This summer has been hard. I am medicated for anxiety/depression, have a partner I love and that is so supportive, a dog that means everything to me and a safe place to live but it still feels impossible to be happy most days. I work as an RDH and that has taken a toll, especially since COVID- its exhausting. I like the perspective my job gives me, I have a great boss and coworkers but having to always be on for patients is SO draining when I feel like shit myself. Its important to me to be an empathetic provider/provide positive experiences so that is probably the hardest part. I get a lot of nervous, anxious / patients in pain and I feel like a sponge- all that gets soaked up. I wish I lived somewhere else so I felt like I am not here to pay off debt until I die. Parents are retiring soon and I just think welp, that will never be me. cannot afford good enough medical insurance to get quality care, nothing is/has ever been worth the copay. I used to want to have kids to give them the ~happy childhood~ I did not have but why add another burden to the planet. The future is not sustainable. Country is legit on fire, nature is dying. Basic truths or facts do not matter anymorejust stupid ass culture wars to bring in ratings and profit. I remember thinking the first time I wanted to die was when I was 8. Thought Id definitely be dead before college so why worry about that. Then oh, once I achieve x y and z it will get better. It has to! How can humanity have gone this long if this is the reality? Yet here we are. Cool Existential dreadusa",Depression +7545,I am tired of constantly getting in the way and I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like I get pushed around but I am too scared to try and stand up for myself. If I could just disappear for a bit people could get on with their lives without me interrupting them. I am tired of constantly getting in the way.,Depression +7546,"well, for some reason I am still alive but with my body completely sore, I do not know what to think, I cannot stop thinking about the miserable beautiful memories of people who really seemed to love me and it was a lie, I do not understand why it is so difficult to have someone, Maybe if I deserve it, but I am tired of being alone, I no longer think I have a way to redeem myself, and knowing that the person I thought loved me told me that he does not want to know anything more about me only makes me want to jump out of the window, or sleep and dream something impossible with it again Welp, I am still alive",Suicidal +7547,Hooray got called ugly 5 more times last night... and a few days before got called it by another girl. Thanks guys.... just more reasons to put lead in my head. I will not tho Ugly,Suicidal +7548,"I never asked to be born, I am a failure, why I cannot be happy...? Fuck life, fuck this shit. Fuck this shit, why me..?",Depression +7549,"I have posted here before. My problems are pretty big and out of people's hands regarding depression/anxiety. My 5 year old daughter got taken away from me four months ago. For no good reason at all. I was a great father. I raised her for 4 and a half years 5-6 days a week. It crushed me when she was taken away. With my depression I have been living the last four months like a apathetic hobo. Not caring about anything. Getting worse and worse. I make songs. Alot of it is pissed off and dark. it is the only thing that got me through.I got a call today from law firm and she told me that the judge granted me full custody. I pick her up this Saturday. With cops, probably. I have a full band now. Instead of me being solo.I have to clean up.my act now. Clean my room (it is horrible) Clean myself up. My sister said she would help. Good things do happen. You just have to not give up and cannot let depression win Rage on! I have an inspiring story",Depression +7550,"I have been reflecting on my life a lot lately, and I always find myself going back and thinking about the bullying I have dealt with through my life. Hopefully sharing my story here can get some outside perspectives and give me an idea on how to move on.So a little about myself, I am a introverted guy whose hobbies fall in Video Games, anime and music. I have been playing video games since I was 3 and they have been my major escape for most of my life. I grew up in a small rural town for most of my life (From when I was born to my senior year, am currently 25) and was actually a pretty optimistic kid in my youth, free-spirited and just looking to have fun and make people smile. My parents have been pretty decent, but they were never around to support me so I mostly just stayed in my room playing games. It was around the age of 4 the I first experienced any sort of bullying. A couple of my older cousins would pick on me for some of the games I played. (I was a PlayStation kid growing and they were Nintendo kids and around 8-9 at the time this was happening) Unfortunately nobody really stepped in to stop them but things never went beyond verbal insults.This went on till I was about 8-9 myself and they grew up enough to stop it and we get along on the rare occasions I see them. Elementary school was pretty uneventful as I mostly just kept to myself. Middle school was where things took a turn for the worse.In my 5th grade gym class we had to start changing into gym clothes and I never got the memo that boxers were even a thing and was still wearing briefs at this point. We were all getting changed and I realized what was up, got really nervous because I noticed everyone else was wearing clothes that I did not even know existed and went into the one stall in the locker room to change, needless to say the locker room was full of boys making fun of the fact that I was wearing briefs. It was at this point most of the male classmates in my class and the grade above me started just verbally making fun of me, and the female students would either just do nothing or tell me to not make eye contact with them.By the time I got to my 6th grade, I only had a few friends and most of them were not actually friends with me and ended doing some things to me. I was getting no support from family or teachers and was started to feel isolated, so I tried to fake being cool, which did not really do anything in the long run. It was also this year where I saw another student in my grade wearing sweat pants to school, and since I had some figured I could wear some. I remember walking into class and a few classmates giggled a bit amongst themselves. I went to use the bathroom at some point in the day and on my way back was stopped by a female bully, who proceeded to call me gay and saying wearing sweat pants is ""for girls"" and other verbal insults. This was the only time I ever cried in school for something like this.I feel like I had to grow up really quickly emotionally in school due to a mixture of all this bullying and teachers would also make me hang out with special needs students, even if I did not want to. In 7th grade I had a crush on another girl in my class (She was one of the only people in my class, let alone the school that actually treated me like an equal person) and some of my ""friends"" physically dragged me over to her after I let them know that I had a crush on her and made me grope her breast, all the while I was begging them not to. (Thankfully she did not hate me for this)8th grade was the first time I can remember wanting to die, not exactly wanting to commit suicide but wishing I could just cease to exist. I started to become really jaded, I could not trust anyone save for a few friends that I barely saw because I was too busy still trying to live this ""cool"" facade externally but just feeling so angry inside. Being exposed to all these people hating and belittling me made me start loathing myself too. Near the end of the year, the same group of ""friends"" from earlier pressured me into smoking some cigarettes that they managed to find. (I do not even remember where) I took one whiff, and in the back of my head I just said ""that is it, I am done with these guys, this is not what I want to be""I left that school with one friend that I had just made that year, social anxiety and self-hatred from all the harassment. I remember that summer feeling really lonely, like I was just existing but I lost a lot of my drive and happiness.High school was better at least, there was still bullying, nothing compared to my old school but I think some people could sense my insecurities and would pressure me into saying or doing things, I tried to own this ""one man wolf pack"" loner sort of shtick but deep down I just wanted to be accepted. Things ended completely by Junior year but by that point the damage was done.Nowadays I have a small group of friends who seem to like me for who I am. I still deal with the insecurities and fears from all those years ago and feel really emotionally stunted, like there is still this scared kid trapped in the body of this cold, logical body.For those who took the time, thank you so much for reading all of this, any advice on what I can do to move past my fears and insecurities are appreciated. Hopefully I did not come off as too whiny. Looking to share my story of being bullied.",Depression +7551,"I am 20 year old male. I am struggling with depression for so long, that i cannot even remember when i started feel depressed. I have been depressed my most of my life and never, ever think that ending my life as a solution, but in the past few mounths I have been thinking alot about killing myself alot because i cannot see a way out. I do not think I am going to be able to normal. I cannot even remember when i was normal like not even happy but normal. I am a virgin and never had any relationships. I have tried bunch of times but everytime i tried i got rejected, friendzoned and sometimes got blocked. Last year i decided to stay platonic, i said myself ""well if i do not propose i do not get rejected"" that worked not well but better than be heart broken. My past is full of pain and betreyal. My parents divorced because they cheated eachother. I was 14 when they got divorced and i kept all my anger inside then. I still keeping all of my anger inside because I am afraid to let it out, i do not know what kind of monster would id be turning into and do not know if i ever be able to come back. Well that is my story thank you for reading it. I needed to write somewhere and this was the only place that come to my mind. is death really the only way out?",Depression +7552,Hi.Is there a way to decide who is your closest family or relative legally? I do not want anyone to be involved when I am dead except for the authorities. I live in Sweden and some tips about how to fix this would be appreciated.Thanks in advance. Family members/relatives,Suicidal +7553,"land full of racist, sexist, homophobic pieces of shit. why the fuck was i born in this country. i hate having to associate with the villains in history. this fucking land does not even belong to us. this nation was founded by the suffering and genocide of others. i do not even know anymore, I have just fucking had it and i might as well kill myself to rid the world of one more white person fuck america",Suicidal +7554,"I do not want to explain why but I cannot find peace in this world. I do not desire happiness, i just want my thoughts to stop and I want to stop my emotions from wanting more and more. No pain, no happyness. Nothing. that is what i want. But I am so scared... I want to find peace",Suicidal +7555,"lost my dog on monday, he was always my brother and best friend - my everything. I have spent more time with him on this earth than without him. i love and miss him so, so fucking much already. he was without doubt the best thing that ever happened to me and i would do anything in the world to bring him back. fuck I would do everything to just have one more fucking minute with him. it hurts so much to go to bed without him, to wake up without him. I have been suicidal for years and there were a few times where i was insanely close to ending it all, but now i am for once glad that i did not kill myself. it would have just shortened our time together even more. in all these years I have never felt this much pain before, i just want to hug him and be with him. it breaks my heart not to be able to know whether he is okay, whether he is safe, whether he is alone. i want to be with him so bad, the thought of never being able to hold him in my arms again tears me up insidei cannot kill myself because of my sister, but if it was not for her, I would do it in a heartbeat why do the best ones have to go",Suicidal +7556,My depression is fucking everything. I have had to quit 2 different jobs (mechanic and lawncare). Both should not seem stressful but each caused my suicidal thoughts to sky rocket. I just need something low stress that likely will not because this what is a low stress jobs?,Depression +7557,"I am not able to sleep, overthinking a lot, not able to do daily chores, not finding focus to prepare for the jobs.All I am able to do is gymming and watch YouTube.I was a successful guy upto 2019.And I feel I am not that anymore.How can I get back?Someone please help me.I am mentally dying day by day, minute by minute and am feeling like this body is not mine anymore.And my heads hurting die to lack of sleep. Am I done?",Depression +7558,"I have been having really extreme days lately, is either I want to die and battle to not hurt myself or I feel totally numb. Numb days I do not struggle to do everyday basic things such as brushing my teeth but even if I feel the energy to do my work for uni i sit there and do not know how to proceed. I know what I need to do but it is like I do not understand anything at the same time. If things do not work out the first time I try I cannot thing of another way or solution to do it. I ask my friend most of the times but the anwser is always so obvious that I start to feel embarrassed to ask and I am scared that I am giving her extra stress.What can I do to clear my mind and do my work? I do not even have intrusive thoughts, I actually I have nothing in mind but it does not feel clear either and I struggle to have a logical thinking to work. What can I do? Advice for numb days",Depression +7559,"I have typed and rewritten this 100 times. Its embarrassing but here goes. Why cannot I kill myself?My life is a long story filled with ups and downs. But since I was a child I had my best friend with me. In highschool he and I started dating and 2 years ago we got married. We had no one but each other. A lot of years were just us vs the world and it felt amazing coming home to him everyday. But then I found out I was pregnant in May. Since then, he completely changed. He has cheated twice now with two different girls. I caught him both times. I have no family, no friends. I lost my job. I told my therapist what is happening and she asked why I am even seeing her still. I stopped going to therapy and I am sick of them not helping. I decided I want to end my life while I am pregnant. I know that sounds macabre and evil, i know. But no one will love the baby but me. I do not want her to grow up feeling as alone and unwanted as me. I decided to do it several days ago. I have my notes (one for my husband one for my mom) written out. Every day for 3 days now I sit down in the bed, take a blood thinner, say goodbye to my cat and lay out the notes. But one I grab the knife I just freeze. I usually stay like that until 3 when i hear my husband pull up and put everything away. This feels like the right thing to do but I just cannot do it. I do not know what to do anymore or what hope I am holding onto. What should I do? Why cannot I do it?",Suicidal +7560,"Like its so easy. Take a bunch of pills and everythings over. No more stress, no more pain, no more anxiety, no more being fat. Its just over The temptation to kill myself rn",Suicidal +7561,"I have been attending university for about 5 years now, bouncing between programs and failing multiple classes. This summer I was able to complete about three more courses and I could graduate with a general degree. Its about 3 days now until i would have had my last exam and I have not done schoolwork at all. This is something I am not interested in and I had no motivation to do any of my assignments or work and now its come to bite me in the ass. Luckily, I got accepted to college in September for a program I think I am interested in. I could not find it in me to push myself to do anything for this, I cannot stop thinking about how disappointed my family is going to be knowing I am a failure. The only reason I was doing it was so it would look good on my resume and to make my parents proud of me. Its so hard to watch people I went to Uni with graduate, I envy their ability to put their education before their emotions and push themselves, I could not and now that is 5 years of money and time wasted - I just want to graduate and feel accomplished. I hate myself. [22/f] I have given up on Uni and I cannot stop beating myself up",Depression +7562,"Paradoxically, all I want is to do is to not have to do stuff. Like not having to work, which is honestly one of the biggest reasons I hate living. Any job whatsoever is hell, every single job.But you are forced to work 8 hours a day (or even more) to survive, for bills and food and such. Torture, especially if you are doing it just to not be homeless.I just have NO reasons to live. Only reason I did not off myself is because I do not want to make my parents suffer, or my cat. And I will not ever off myself, do not have it in me to do that. I guess many years of anhedonia since a relatively young age does this to you. I wish I could just lie in bed all day at least, but no, I have to endure torture for so many hours a day by having to work. Every second is torture. At this point, I am not even sure I am depressed anymore. I just do not like/want anything in life, do not have any reasons to live. do not want kids, do not want a relationship, do not want friends, do not want money, do not want success, do not want anything really. No reasons to live.",Depression +7563,"I am overdue for a haircut and with everything going on in my life I really want to shave my head. Some unnecessary info about me: I am 21F. Overweight (last time I checked I was nearing 230). If I kept going with my diet Id probably be at my goal weight right now. So I am trying to do somehow lose weight again (eat less, drink more). Part of the reason why I added some info about me is the reason why I have not done it yet is because I am not only insecure but I dress like a guy so if I shave my head completely Id actually look like a guy. Hahaha I know it will get better but damn I have been in a slump for weeks now. Also, one of the main reasons why I want to shave my head is because of the bugs. They get caught in my hair and I hate it. I have short hair already and its getting long so I am kind of tempted to get rid of it all. Plus its a good way to start fresh. I feel like shaving my head to start fresh",Depression +7564,"Irritability is one of my biggest things and I often find myself getting irrationally angry at my loved ones when they pester me. Sometimes I wish I could cocoon myself away from them inside an impenetrable fortress so that Id finally be alone and happy. But I also just generally wish that I could be free from the world and not have to deal with responsibilities, people, life etc. I wish I could make the world go away. Wanting the world to go away",Depression +7565,What do you think the easiest way to do it is? Without your raw human survival Instincts to counter it? Cutting your wrists and throat I feel like can back forever a gun pulling away at the last second. How many pills and what kind would you need? Do you need to mix the pills with alcohol? How strong of a rope is needed to hang? How small of a room do you need by sticking your head in the oven? I have failed alot in life this is the one thing I do not want to fail at Struggling with the method,Suicidal +7566,24m have been thinking about offing myself for about half a year now. Nothing that brings joy. Nothing to live for. I have a job and I do like it but when I do not work I just smoke and drink my brain away. How do you find hapiness? Bad nights,Suicidal +7567,I do not feel like I am getting enough attention and its making me depressed. I want to feel acknowledged and thought of. What should I do? I feel like I need/want more attention what should I do?,Depression +7568,I feel like if I had a gun in front of me it would be as easy as pulling a tooth and that just makes me feel like crying even more I cannot cope,Suicidal +7569,"Life is fcking crazy, I want everyone to realize how sad and weird life can get. I have been struggling deeply for the longest. To be honest I do not know why I am still going but I am hoping one day I can look back and be glad that I am still breathing. Everyday feels the same. I am constantly thinking about suicide but Ill probably never do it. Its a really sad feeling when you have no one to turn to. I am so scared of the future and where Ill be. Am I destined to be alone forever?? I have always thought it was cringe how people just rant on Reddit but here I am on Reddit. I hope I can look back on this post and remember these times. If anyone ever reads this.. know that we are looking at the same stars and moon and that you are not struggling alone. Everyday feels the same.",Depression +7570,"I have just last week started a new job, after being signed off sick for 2 years. Its been really hard so far, i had a panic attack on the drive in last week, and this week i just feel unwell mentally a lot of the time.I really do not want to quit, because i feel if i do, that is it for me, I have tried and failed too many times.But i keep feeling like i want to hurt myself so i do not have to go in, not like to kill myself. But stuff like crashing my car, punching a wall and breaking a bone, or just something so i have an excuse. I have avoided it so far, but there is just such a loud voice in my head telling me i should and that i should just give up on a job, or anything in life. I have spoke to my doctor and therapist and its not been that helpful. I just do not know what to do really. Wanting to hurt myself to avoid work",Depression +7571,"All I want is to be loved genuinely and unconditionally. Why do I have to get better for them to finally love me? How do I tell them that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just who I am and I am so sorry. I wish I was anything or anyone else. I am sorry I would be so much more lovable if I were dead",Suicidal +7572,"Sorry, my English is pretty bad.. I just broke up with my boyfriend, bc a therapist said, i have Bpd. And I have lost everything and every goals and plans a had in my life.I have lost my job. I started learning to get my driving license, but i had to stop it. I have lost my 'friends' (mostly my bf's friends). I have lost him, and our cats, and also my goals and plans about learning to get better job, plans of marrying him, having kids, getting old together.We lived together in a house, so i had to move back to my grandparents. But they do not like I am here. They do not even care what is up with me.I really lost every of my hope to live. My 'friends' still telling me to move on, and stuff, but I just cannot live like this. I am not strong enough.Idk what should i do....Pls do not be mean with me. I want to kill myself bc I feel like I have lost everything",Suicidal +7573,"From the outside I appear to be successful, I moved up in the corporate world quickly and at an early age. I also have my own business that does well. None of it means anything, it all just makes me feel more stuck in my current circumstances and life. Truth is I have been suicidal for over a year, I have letters written, plans in place but I just cannot commit to a date. I have no idea how to get out of this pointless life, there is no point to any of this. Work yourself to death so that you can retire then die. Suicide honestly seems to be a logical short cut when you weigh the years of work and sacrifice vs the ones your supposed to enjoy later in life. I came close a few months back but could not follow through. I am even more determined now though. Every day is just a chore, and I do not see the benefit on the other side of it all. I used to be healthy and really active, I cannot even get motivated to leave the house any more. My lifestyle has deteriorated into a substance abuse binge eating loop, I am pretty well finished with all this. I am successful but suicidal as hell",Suicidal +7574,"They say suicide is selfish but if i decide why cannot i have the option to die peacefully after a certain age? is not it selfish for everyone to prefer me suffering everyday rather than being peacefully dead? Like if i decide to die, do not make me search for weird non guaranteed ways that can leave me seriously crippled, give me some amount of mandatory therapy and if a still want to after that, let me go.. I genuinely do not get why i need to live, i do not want help i want to die",Suicidal +7575,Without going into too much detail I may be about to lose everything and as a parent I need to hold it together. The thing is when you are in this position only you can keep yourself from falling apart. Trying to hold it together,Depression +7576,"I am trying to improve, trying to find my idiot brain. And no matter what my parents are always angry. They do not let me leave the house, they yell at me for not doing chores and then yell at me for doing too many chores when I try to help. I know my dad never wanted me and was pressurised by my mum but its not my fault hes a pussy with no spine. His problem that he has no conviction, little prick.I honestly do not have the energy to fight my brain and my parents at the same time. I want to just live the supreme party life, try every alcohol, buy some hookers and take loads of drugs and die of overdose. I will not have to deal with this shit anymore, because its not worth it, and I can go out having some fun at least. I am giving up on trying to get better. Want to just take my parents money and spend it on alcohol, drugs, hookers, video games, junk food and send myself to an early grave from overdose or something (18M)",Depression +7577,"It really seems like my place in life is just to get hurt again and again. No matter what I try, suffering just finds me somehow. Every year for the past 10 years has been gradually worse and I am done with hope and positivity. I do not have any dreams or goals in my life.Sometimes I feel like an old person looking back at life, I do not believe I will achieve or experience anything new in my life. I am crippled by my mental illness and trauma and it feels bitter to realize that this is what my life has become. All that trying and achieving in school is worth nothing. I see no end in my suffering",Suicidal +7578,"I have MDD which is already a huge thing that impacts me, as well as BPD, GAD and PTSD. I joined Reddit 3 days ago, and since then I have had multiple messages and comments slating my appearance etc for literally no reason. I know its stupid, but I really feel like shit now about myself and I know I am just going to dwell on it and things will go downhill.Does anyone have suggestions of how to get out of this mindset? I am worried about myself especially since I SH. Thank you for reading!!! Struggling tonight",Depression +7579,"Apologies in advance if this post does not totally make sense, I am feeling emotional and I am also a bit high...I have been feeling extra suicidal for the past couple weeks, have a history of attempts, and I think sometimes when the suicidal feelings are this strong they stay strong until I 'do' something about them, i.e. try to off myself. And today I have been seriously considering doing it again, and am honestly trying to talk myself into it because the logistics are right (dog would be taken care of) and I had a therapy session today that basically seemed to confirm for me that things are hopeless and are not going to change any time soon. But, ambivalence.So...my dilemma is that if I am rational enough to think that I should maybe take myself to the psychiatric hospital ER, then presumably that is me deciding not to kill myself, so then why am I even at the ER? But if I do not take myself there, it is like suicide is still on the table and it is a 'should I or should not I' kind of torture until the point when these feelings get a little less strong (which is not necessarily any time soon, based on recent history) or I am upset enough to stop thinking rationally and try something impulsive. And I know I would just fail again. And I cannot deal with more of that flavour of shame.I know asking for advice on the internet for a topic like this is not ideal, so I am not asking whether you think I should go to the hospital or not, but maybe share what you have done if you have found yourself in a similar situation? I usually do not find helplines helpful and it is been a while since I went to ER and I am just not sure if this is one of those times when it makes sense to go. I do not want to feel like a moron telling them I am there because I do not want to kill myself, and be stuck there for hours when it is not like they are going to be able to help improve anything short term. I already see a psychiatrist every other week so it is not like I need them to connect me with that resource. But going it alone when I am at this point can be scary and feels really painful and is probably kind of stupid sometimes. &#x200B;TL;DR when you have felt really suicidal but rational enough to realize you should do something to prevent yourself from acting on it, what did you do? How did it work out? Need thoughts on going to the ER or not",Suicidal +7580,"This is not even really living at this pointI feel dead, when I am awake I just hurt so I do my best to be awake as little as possibleI hope one day Ill snap out of it, maybe its all a dreamBut sadly I do not think that is the caseEverything hurtsEverything fucking hurtsHow can you just do this to me?I hope you are happy.Meanwhile Ill keep fantasizing about ways to kill myself. I can barely keep my eyes open",Suicidal +7581,"I do not want to leave behind all this clutter for someone else to have to clean up. it is the only thing that gives me pause when I am right on the brink of acting. I feel like I will either clean it up soon and have nothing stopping me, or just get so far down into this pit of darkness that I will not care anymore what happens after I am gone. I am only alive because my house is a mess.",Suicidal +7582,"When I was a teenager and I first started experiencing being suicidal, the internet was a treasure trove of information- how to do this, where to get that and forums full of discussion. Now that I am an adult and I have my own time and money to finally come up with a plan to end my life- the internet is wiped clean. I can find none of this precious info I skimmed through so long ago I know things have changed a lot and the removal of all of these sites, posts and resources is for everyone is safety but I feel so frustrated, I am at a dead end. I do not know how to kill myself, the lethality of different methods or where to get anything I might need I kick myself for not taking past opportunities for easier ways to end my life, now I must find some very painful way as all other methods are not an option anymore. I hate that I cannot have genuine conversations on how to kill myself because its taboo I feel so, so lost. The internet used to tell me how to kill myself, now its blank",Suicidal +7583,I wish it was easier than said tho Wish I could kill myself,Depression +7584,"I do not know if this subreddit is for me but i want to kill myself really badly. I have an eating disorder for almost half a decade now and its been all over the place. I have never been fully diagnosed. But half a year ago I was still sick but skinnier since then now i gained like 7kg which does not seem much and i can just work it off but i keep eating and i never was really suicidal but now I am actually considering, i know it seems strange but i feel this huge self hatred for the fact i cannot seem to control my intake anymore and that makes me so crazy and sad, because i know i can just lose it but i cannot seem to do it and it feels like i lost my mind. I feel like this is such a rude reason to attempt suicide because others seem to have it harder and i should be grateful, which i am. however, this is keeping me from living like i want to and be the person i desire to become. the problem is that i have to eat everyday but i cannot without feeling extrem guilt and hatred while eating more? i feel out of control and it makes me not take care of myself, because i do not want to shower due to my body. I habe a BMI of 20 which is normal but i feel morbidly obese. i know i might cone across as rude, i do not intend to be my eating disorder is making me suicidal",Suicidal +7585,"26M. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately, I am unsure of what went wrong in my life for me to even think this way but I do not feel like I am living, I already feel dead. I have never had a girlfriend and will probably never find love which is pretty much all anyone needs. I am a virgin. I am ugly. I am broke. I have never even been called attractive by a woman and its starting to weigh really heavily on me that Ill probably never find a love. I am unloveable and unwanted and if this is all life has to offer me I am better off dead so people do not have to put up with me being sad and a waste of space all the time. My heart really hurts and I am not having fun here. I have been thinking about suicide.",Suicidal +7586,"I do not want to work, I do not want to force myself to try things to find something I like, I do not want to socialize with random people, I do not even want to watch tv or play video games. I do not want anything in this life, there is nothing here for me to want or bother pursuing. The world is ugly, uncaring, and cruel, it will not let me find happiness whether I try or not. I am done with it. I just do not want this",Depression +7587,I am so tired of never feeling good enough. tired,Depression +7588,"This is my first post ever talking about my depression, idk where to start. This past week I have been sick with a minor cold and while being sick it made me realize how much of a loser I am in life. I am currently unemployed and stressed about going back to community college knowing I lost my financial aid privilege from being a careless idiot in the past. My mom has spoiled me too much growing up and I took it for granted. It really hurts me to know I have not accomplished anything in life yet just to put a smile on her face. I had a job back in early May where I working a Physical Therapy Aide position but did not even last a month there. I thought I was doing fine until I got a phone call to not come into work anymore. I cannot even hold down a job ffs. No one in my family knows I got fired yet, too embarrassed to tell them. I do not think I have lasted at any job for more than a year. I have been applying to a few places, but no responses. I think I was meant to be a loser in life. Today was the first day I broke down completely in a long time when I came into a realization that I have pretty much 0 growth since I graduated high school back in 2017. Since middle school, I always had low self-esteem. I never tried to man up. I was lucky enough to be in a 5-year relationship w my high school love. My low self-esteem issues were the reason we went our separate ways when I would always decline invitations to do activities with other people. it is weird bc I do weight training at the gym every week since I was 17, and you would think that would build complete confidence, but the self-esteem issues are still there. I wake up late everyday in my same depressing room, open up my laptop and watch useless youtube videos, gym, come back home and do the same thing. I really have nobody to text or socialize with besides my sister. I would say my older sister is my only friend at the moment. She graduated from college a few years ago and works a job related to her career. She always gives me advice, but I would brush it off bc I am too pussy to completely open up to her. I am going crazy. The day is almost over and what did i even do today? I am a little kid in a young adult's body 22-year old in deep depression. Now starting to go crazy",Depression +7589,I am open to anything that will bring my emotional health up to balance. I have a full time job and I was attending virtual therapy until a few weeks ago since I did not feel like I had anything to say.I am also on antidepressants.I feel like I have taken on bad coping mechanisms like binge watching Netflix and skipping meals for junk food that I do not even enjoy as much as I think I do.Maybe I am accelerating the healing? what is the best way to spend your time after a traumatic incident like sudden death in the family?,Depression +7590,"Not sure what to write, but I am going to treat the comments like a mini journal because I have low-key had one of the worst weeks or two of my life and it has all been self inflicted in the worst way possible. Even worse than that, I am in a hole that idk how the fuck to get out of (I have tried, I promise) Dissociative & Depressed, Mini Journal",Depression +7591,"Hello everyone lol!Currently sitting outside in the pouring rain in horrible pain hoping my pain relief kicks in (yay!)I honestly do not even know where to start anymore,like the title says my life just gets worse.I CONSTANTLY wonder what would have happened if I completed high school (yes I know I am working on my GED.)Anyways,I hate myself for not standing up for myself in school and not doing more with my life I am not ugly or obese so that is cool I guess.I definitely got worse mentally being that now I have chronic pain that at times is completely debilitating and other times I feel like a normal person which is a total mindfuck.I do not think I am stupid but I feel like I have nothing and am nothing but a body full of pain and misery.I am poor (I am glad I am not homeless of course.)I also share a room with my mom and do not even have a door to my bedroom (door broke off awhile ago and sharing a room sucks obviously lol.)I am also a virgin and cannot even fucking drive,have a permit or license I even confronted my dad today about it and said I have to be ""mature"" to drive yet my dad is a drug addict who does nothing and can do whatever he wants...I can keep going but I guess I will stop there..Anyway in the shit show called my life my dreams of cosmetology school are crushed being that I need to survive especially with this pain,and need 24/7 bathroom [access.It]( is not like I do not try either tried therapy (did not work at all typical 'it will get better' bullshit,and bringing up my chronic pain was a fucking joke too.)I do have hobbies I enjoy like drawing,painting,makeup,photography,poetry,and scrapbooking even though I feel like I suck at all of [that.It]( is such a joke now even the fucking chronic pain groups ignore me..also PLEASE do not tell me about therapy,dieting,meditation,or fucking celery juice bullshit..anyways I just hope I can find someone who can relate to me or possibly even make me feel less of a piece of shit.. My life just gets worse",Suicidal +7592,"Every other day I feel like everyone is problems would be solved if I did not exist. I have been hearing voices for about six months now, and overtime the ones that use to be comforting when I was anxious have started telling me that everyone around me is lying to me about everything and my family is the only safe group of people. But even now they are telling me that my family would be safer if I was not around, my dad just quit his job and I have a distinct feeling that by me existing near them I am endangering them in some way. I am on medication as of the last couple days, but I have been going in this circle for months now. I feel okay for a few hours, slowly get worse, and by the next day I am one weird look from a stranger away from ending everything. I cannot do this anymore. I am exhausted. I do not even know why I bother to keep fighting the urge to leave. The feeling just comes back and it comes back a little worse everytime. Music has been helping. But now I can hear songs playing over eachother when I try to listen for too long. Everything is crumbling around me. I feel like I am melting into my surroundings. What do I do. cannot keep going in circles anymore",Suicidal +7593,"Sorry if this sort of thing is not allowed, I just need to tell someone.I tried to kill myself when I was six, and once again a year later. I have never stopped being suicidal, I had to go to the hospital when I was 14 because I felt like I would kill myself. Since I was 12-13, I have been planning on killing myself when I am 19, the only reason why I did not kill myself when I was 14 was because I wanted to give myself a few more years for my life to get better. I have 2 years until I am 19, my life has only gotten worse. I have been saving up to get a (mentally) life saving surgery when I am 18. My family struggles with money and my dad does not pay child support, I want to kill myself so the money for the surgery can go to my family. Paying for one funeral will be a lot cheaper than spending money on me for the rest of my life when I will never even be happy. depressed",Depression +7594,"Last year, I had the worst day of my life. March 15, 2020, I was across the country in my dream grad program. I was two days into a semester and my colleagues from all around the country and I were all enamored with each others brilliance. Id never felt so connected to another group of people. Two days and four hours into the semester, the sudden spike of covid-19 deaths caused my school to shut down and send us all home. For the past year, I have been separated from my flock, and last week we were reunited at last. This week has been everything I dreamed of for the past year, and my vaccinated friends and I are soaking in each others presence. Today, the bomb dropped again. Due to the increase in the delta variant, we are being sent home again. I had a ptsd flashback to the first time we were sent home and could not get ahold of myself. Every time I am here, it is far too brief, and it is even more painful to say goodbye this time. I was to graduate next week, and my classmates and I will likely never see each other again. Now I am suddenly going home to no job, because that too is once again suspended due to the delta variant. Because of the unvaccinated people in my country, I am forced to lose out on the only thing that gave my life any meaning anymore, and I am being forced to relive the most traumatic day of my life. Its hard to see the point anymore, and I am thinking of ending it all when I get home. I cannot do this again",Suicidal +7595,"As of lately it feels like my life has been so stagnant and I have never felt so alone. I am currently studying a career but I do not even know if I truly love it.. just a interest I picked up. Ever since I graduated high school my life has been so difficult.. I am supposed to start work soon but its not amazing. I just do not know what my end goal is anymore. I thought I did and it felt great and I was motivated but now its whatever. I have no family, I mean I do but we are not bonded together and I do not feel comfort and constant connection like its symbiotic. I have not had any friends for over 2 years, just meet and greets here and there. My father passed away when I was 3 and I truly believe he was the only person that was outgoing and engaging and would have never let me feel alone. I mean I have invested in certain things but its not enough. what I want is adventure and for everyone in bad situations to be free as well. where the fuck is the unity in todays world? we are all one race and it does not feel like it. its to yourself work, make money be selfish and that is it. It fucking sucks. I do not even know what i am doing anymore.",Depression +7596,"I was unable to cry for months. Idk what went wrong but I did not felt anything for months. Piled it up. I was not doing well, still does not feel good. I feel horrible but a little bit better. Tried my best to cry, forced it. Cried for like 10-15 mins. Eyes got pretty tired from it though. Physical weakness and the need to take a nap will help me to distract myself. I was planning a way to suicide and it is really hard to pick a method. Felt so stressed out when I saw it is not easy to end this pain. I cannot keep this anymore. That stress was there, used it. Brought some old memories back and cried it out. I guess some sleep will help to clear the rest. Whatever. it is just one day. Tomorrow will be worse. it is just one day. Crying helped",Suicidal +7597,Lately I have been so lonely that its starting to really mess with me. I cannot pay attention at work and I am slowly losing all interest in the things I enjoy doing. Even though I live with 5 other roommates I still feel alone all the time and it sucks. Does anyone else feel this way? Sorry for any grammar mistakes Lonely.,Depression +7598,"Hi, I am 21 starting my junior year in college and I am currently on vacation. Well while at the pool by myself just enjoying the wonderful Florida sun, these rich kids I guess they were about my age, came up beside me and started calling me names like a stupid F**got, a fat ass, I do not remember the rest. Why are people so cruel to each other? I have worked for months to she would the weight which I was at, and I am genuinely proud of that. But when people say that I want to just jump off a bridge. I used to be obese, now I am just overweight and I am proud of that. I have lost nearly 40 pounds. Then they talk about how I was dressed and it was just a lot. I got up and came back to my condo where I am now just bawling my eyes out. Like I am not gay, but if it was is that an insult like I am so confused. I did not ask to be here so why do people consistently make it worse. I do not know those guys and what they go through, but are not it some shit that they can be born affluent, talk about people, get whatever they want in life and still live a happy life. I do not get it!!! Fuck this world, I do not want to be in it. I hate existing",Suicidal +7599,I am the because of all of the world's problems and the worst person ever. I murdered millions of people by causing the pandemic. I should die by lethal injection,Suicidal +7600,"No feeling at all. I am completely numb. I have not felt anything but anger in a long time and while that is sustained me for quite awhile it to is starting to fade. One day soon there will be nothing left of me but an empty she will, devoid of any human emotion. When I heard about the children who were murdered at the residential schools I did not feel any emotion. My aunt died a few years ago and I felt nothing. People tell me they love me but I do not love them back. This is not a life. What I am doing right now is just existing at its most basic level and I am tired of it. Existing without being fully alive is a horrible experience and I cannot do it much longer. I know that my suicide will be devastating for my family and that is why I have hung around this long but I cannot continue existing just for other peoples sake. I do not feel anything anymore",Suicidal +7601,"I will just introduce a bit.I am 21 years old.Currently on an internship away from home.I have struggled with depression on and off. But lately suicidal thoughts have been worse than usual.It keeps returning.Every morning I just want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Every night before I go to bed. Same thing.I will be honest. If it were not for my lovely parents I would have done it. I feel lonely, I feel like there is avoid inside of me.I work in hospitality and with children.And I can smile temporarily when I can bring people a good time. But I just feel like my smile is not going to last forever.I feel like I am rotting away on the inside and I just do not know what to do with it.I have been procrastinating on my school assignments. I just want to lay in bed. But even that is starting to be invaded by my suicidal thoughts.I just do not know anymore.What do I do with it? Why does it keep returning?",Suicidal +7602,"Its finally hit me that I am growing up and I cannot just have fun and do whatever I want anymore. I have always been smart , have a loving functional family, a safe home, my life is good. My life is great, its beautiful. But that is it. I have become nothing. Every year I grew older I lost more and more. I do nothing but sleep or draw all day. My room is full of dust and bugs. I am good for nothing. And tbatse fine because I do not want to do anythingeryrhinf around me is beautiful but my mind is so fucking ugly and its going to tear me apart Just turned 16, I feel like my life is already over but it will not end , so I have to do it myself",Suicidal +7603,"I was not seriously considering a relationship with this guy, but hes a virgin who is been looking for another virgin for several years, so I thought I would talk to him. He cannot be with an assault victim out of good conscience because of his inexperience, he would told me. Why could not he just tell me that he did not think I was pure enough? I actually have less experience than him, since hes kissed people and I have not. Funny how quickly he wrote me off, like I was worth literally nothing. Not enough",Depression +7604,"This has been a long time coming. I have had depression since I was 9 years old and I am 28 now, turning 29 in November. I have decided to end it on the 20th anniversary. How can that be? I am not sure, but when I look back at my life, all I see are fleeting moments of happiness followed by long periods of misery. My family might find this so, I am not going to mention them, but the time has come. After all my attempts to get help, to get on medication, to try coping strategies, I just cannot do it anymored. Today, for the millionth time, I called out of work because I cannot take the pressure. Today, for the millionth time I turned down a guy online bc all men see me for is a good time. My overall depression leads to my lack of motivation which is why I keep losing jobs. I am pathetic and worthless. I am both lonely and alone. I have decided to call 911 right before and do it while my roommate is away. I am hoping my last days will be good ones. I am Ready",Suicidal +7605,"So I am about to be 23 and ever since I tired 18 my family has been against me They wanted me out the day that I turned 18 which is like two days after my graduation in with a lot of physical and mental abuse from my mom and my stepdad my stepdad would beat me about whatever else he can get his hands on and then my mom will come home if my brother and I ever gave you any lip she is fine whatever she could to hit us with whether it was a spoon and a DVD slipper a shoe there was anything she could finally get hit with it so I moved out at 18 with my best friend in high school thinking that you know we had jobs lined up with the stuff that we can do for income and in reality he move me up there because he was hoping that I would be the one to get a job and take care of them so I did that for a few months while I was in Green Bay and do with us not having food and everything I SH really really bad and to the point that my girlfriend at the time will come get me. We we had to hunt geese with rocks because we had no money or food. From there I moved to Sauk city to be with my girlfriend at the time and all she did was take advantage of me. She took all my money, medications, and the worst part is her and I had gotten pregnant and she made me pay for my abortion even though I wanted to keep the kid. Before the abortion she would ask me for money which I had no issue with it at the same time she was selling nudes while she was in collage. I did not find out about that until three weeks after I had to pay for the abortion. So after that I moved to baraboo with my friends and they drained 12,000 from my bank account because I assumed we were going to go halfs on everything and in reality they used me for all my money. I have been homeless for three years and I really do not know what to do. Anyone please give me advise. I really need somone to help with what is going on Any advice is welcome",Depression +7606,"i was doing okay. i spent years trying everything i could to overcome my depression and anxiety and all that. i was doing okay. my grandfather got into a bad accident and was put into the hospital about a month ago. from then on things kept getting worse. two different kinds of cancer found and now he is not going to be getting better. I am so fucking scared. he is one of the most important people in my life and my rock. we have always had such a close bond. I am in college and a really fucking expensive one at that. I am struggling. these last few days after finding out hes in hospice have been so hard. I am so incredibly depressed, anxious and scared all the time. i cannot sleep. I am never sober. i have at least one intense panic attack a day and i fucking cry all day for hours. i cannot focus on my work and i cannot drop out of class because its a one shot deal sort of thing and i want to make my dad and myself proud. he saved the money up for 20 fucking years. i was passionate about this. i feel like my life is falling apart. there are other things contributing to my state right now but my dear grandfather and severe lack of motivation is the most intense. I am so lost. my therapist (the only one i can afford and have a bond with) has been unable to work for months due to an unexpected emergency surgery. i do not know. i do not know what to do. I am so sad and scared. i keep disconnecting from my body completely and i cannot work at all. I am on the fuckingbrink of failure and i cannot afford to redo this class if i fail. i know this is very ranty but I am constantly freaking out and putting this out there is all i can think to do right now i do not know what to do right now",Depression +7607,I am sorry I am unlovable I am sorry I am not good enough I am sorry I am not a good person I am sorry I am selfish I am sorry I am pathetic I am sorry for being a waste I am sorry for being useless I am sorry for never being enough I am sorry I cannot do anything right I am sorry for always screwing up I am sorry for being a disappointment I am sorry for being annoying I am sorry for being worthlessI'm sorry I do not know how much longer I can do this. I am sorry,Depression +7608,Its wrong. Its a humiliation. do not make me keep living,Suicidal +7609,"I just do not get out. I am trying. Volunteering for spca and going doing school in person for the first time in a few years, in a month and a half. I know if I surround myself with ppl it will happen. Its just I hate being around ppl. But I hate being lonely. And. Probably even worse. Relationships r so painful for me. I am not a functional human being. I am so afraid of ppl. Have no self worth. And yet I want a gf. Maybe to gain self worth? No. Idk y, and I do not have to give a reason. I just fucking want one. I need a gf",Depression +7610,"Today was the first time I really thought about suicide. I have often thought through my life about death and imagined dying and have said things like ""i wish I was not alive"" to myself multiple times a day and have so for many years. But this was sort of a coping mechanism I think to deal with stress. I have been pretty successful in life, and probably happy by a lot of people's standards. In general i have been pretty driven and interested. I was clinically depressed about 15 years ago, but I have not had a similar episode since.However, today I felt a really different feeling when my usual thought came for the day. I did not just think ""I do not want to be alive"", I thought ""maybe I will not be soon"". I thought of some familiar fantasy of dying, but this this time it was real life. I thought about how I could enact that fantasy. Then I wondered if that was really a realistic way to die. I do not want to die painfully. And I do not want to be resusitated and disabled by damage afterwards. So I spent the day researching suicide method outcomes and considering how nasty or available each one would be, all while pushing my two kids on the swings at the park and buying them some chocolate, making dinner, talking to my spouse, putting the kids to bed.I just cannot describe how strange it feels for these fantasies to have moved from this thing I did to cope with how stressed I was feeling to this other, ""oh I can do this"" feeling. It was so unexpected. It was just a normal day.I have never had these thoughts before, and I just wanted to write it down somewhere. I found this subreddit in the course of the day, and I have reddit so I thought it would be as good a place as any. July 28, 2021, maybe a new era in my life started today for reasons I cannot really understand.Thanks for listening Today was the first time i really thought about suicide",Suicidal +7611,"Untill now I was the so called ""good guy"". Always trying to be pleasant around others, always trying to help, always saying ""thank you"" and ""you are welcome"" when needed etc. Recently I decided to adopt and raise a cat. But there is something very dark that came to the surface which I did not know that existed, and I have the very hard to resist temptation to hurt my cat, watch her squeal in fear as I am being a total piece of shit to her. First few weeks were great. I may have been rough to her sometimes during those weeks but it was nothing too serious. We were always sleeping together, playing together and we were practically inseparable. She was happy, and I was happy too.But once I decided to return to the house I grew up in, where some childhood trauma events have occurred, it was like a switch flipped, and I became a monster. I became very abusive towards my cat, and I have a very hard time stopping. Now I try to keep her outside my room and encourage her to hide because there is a monster inside me, which I cannot control.And because of that, I feel like I do not deserve anyone in my life. I was being a hypocrite all along, pulling of an act, and I deserve to be alone. Hell, I feel so guilty that I want to outright die, because I cannot live with the guilt and shame because of this.I know there will be people who will hate me for what I said. And I am really scared because of what I am about to post. But then again, I have never done the right choice anyway.I deserve the hate. I am lost",Suicidal +7612,"So my parents have this thing where they will take a long time to let minor wrongdoings go. They hold all my small inconveniences over my head and it makes me feel awful. For example, they started yelling at me for being ""ungrateful about the help they give me"" which is completely untrue by the way, and when I started to fight back, because I am done with just sitting down and taking it, they hold it over my head for at least the rest of the day. It makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough for them. How do I deal with this? Whenever I try to talk to them about anything wrong that they do, they always get angry about it. What do I do? Parent issues",Depression +7613,"I figured I would rant in a depression sub more than anywhere else. I always feel like I should not have any real reason to be depressed because I live in a first world country where there is an abudance of opportunity for anything you want. However, I have feelings of self-doubt, pity, anxiety and a general low self-esteem most of the time. I am 23 years old and I hate my life. I graduated in Mechanical Engineering in August 2020 and I still have not found a job in my field. This is partially the reason why my depression is bad. I have never had a girlfriend in my entire life and the last girl I tried to talk to ended up ghosting me. I do not particulary blame them either as it is my fault at the end of the day. I cannot beat the depression no matter how hard I try. I have followed every piece of advice I can take such as exercising, eating well, sleeping 8 hours a day, getting sunlight and I still feel like a piece of shit more and more. I would believe this might have to do with childhood-teenage trauma that I have had. My brother was not the best person in my life, which sucks becasue up to when I was 13 years old, he was amazing and awesome. Afterwards, he would because me a lot of physical abuse and mental abuse. He gave me two black eyes in school which many teachers would question if I was okay at home. I was not but I did not let them know that to protect my brother from receiving a bad reputation. I told my parents, but they did not really do anything about it besides a stern talking to my brother. He left me in -15 temperature one time for a few hours where I was just wandering the neighbourhood (I live fairly far from any store so I did not really have a shelter). The thing that makes it worse is that he has a successful life with a loving wife and amazing friends. It makes me sad that people can harm others and still never receive any karma. The next factor is the amount of bullying I received as a kid from my former friends. Surprisingly the ones who became my bully was my friend. This friend is very charismatic and good at getting friends himself. Due to my shyness and having virtually no backbone, I became a really easy target when we started highschool as he was able to convince other kids to bully me as well. The bullying was not anything crazy, just name-calling and making me look dumb a lot. However, they did this every day and it ended up taking a toll on me. These kids are also super successful now and have great relationships. I realized more in University how pathetic and below average I am to my peers. Everyone else can do things much more easier than I can, have much more talents, and are generally smarter than me. I have extreme social anxiety and I always struggle showing my persoanlity around others. Maybe it is a defense mechanism and I will be betrayed again. (Some Good Will Hunting type of shit lol) If it was not for TV shows and the internet, I would be a lot more depressed than I am now. I honestly believe I am a burden to everyone around me and my parents are making it more clear that they do not want me around since I have not obtained a job in my field and am sorta just coasting in life right now. Thank you for reading this post if you have, but if not I understand as well. TL;DR: I am killing myself in a month and I generally do not have any actualy reason to want to keep living Killing Myself Soon",Depression +7614,"I never thought it is possible, but I have a case of mental illness, that is practicaly incurable. it is based on ""only"" severe emotional neglect through childhood (and adulthood) but when it is mixed up with too much responsibility from early age, it becomes incurable.I will explain. Normally in therapy patients are taught to find their inner child and nurture it the way patients have not been nurtured. This gives the restless inner child fixing experiences and after few years of inner child work, mental health gets better. But if you are neglected AND you had to take care of yourself, taking care of your inner child is just playing the trauma again, so it is not healing. It is only retraumatizing.And this mixture means constant panic-like feelings, like what a baby would feel when left on the side of the road. Panic, fear, chaos, eventually deathwish. These feelings might be on the surface or hide in dark, but they are never absent. Therefore I do not sleep. I do not enjoy. I do not connect. I do not love. There is no hope of feeling nurtured or satisfied unless someone else does the parentification. And since I am not adoptable minor, that means never. So do you know any cults with charismatic father-figures? Can be a suicide cult. Incurable mental pain",Suicidal +7615,I am too fucking depressed to function rn holy shit and i have a whole ass shift i need to get through my chest feels Hollow currently in da panera bathroom sobbing,Depression +7616,Even though we have never met. I love and care for you with my whole heart. I am sorry I am not there to bare with you in the pain your facing. One day one day well be free from this hell.. but not today.. just get one more day in Remember this,Suicidal +7617,"I am 11 years old and i ruin every friend ship i ever had my life is so sad for no reason i have a big house a nice computer but i still hate waking up in the morning, I have terrible OCD and ADHD and that makes me over react, over think, and ruin everything, I have such bad insomnia and i never sleep and when i do i wake up at around 1-3pm. i play video games all damn day and have little to no social interaction. my life is so sad and i hate waking up sometimes and i always have to smile no matter what. please i need advic on how to not ruin my life even more thank it already is how do i stop ruining my life (be serious)",Depression +7618,"Anytime something bad happens:My brain: This is what you deserve, you horrible person. You should not exist, you should kill yourself to alleviate your burden on others. Idiot.Anytime something good happens:My brain: You do not deserve this. I hate you. You should kill yourself.I literally can never win I hate myself",Suicidal +7619,"I go to work, I exercise every day, I eat healthy, I budget, I pay my bills, I sleep 8 hours every night, I take my supplements, I am two years sober, I meditate, I see my friends every week, I go to therapy, I use my gratitude journal every day, I keep up with my hobbies, I deleted Instagram and Facebook, I keep up with my family, I nurture my 5 year romantic relationship. And yet every single day is still a struggle. Every five minutes a little voice in my head says Kill yourself. what is the point of this elaborate balancing act if its still the same in the end? I am exhausted, I really want to be done. Fighting tooth and nail every day",Depression +7620,"I (17M) have been diagnosed with Aspergers, although my experiences are better described as high functioning autism (although I do not function at all lol), a semi-official type of Autism. Luckily, my autism was recognised very early in my life, when I was about 3/4 years old. I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (later with Aspergers). Because of my amazing parents who fought very hard for me to get the help I needed, I got special training in primary school. I not only learned how to communicate with other people, but also to control my ""explosions"", when it all got too much for me from all the information in my head I exploded (screaming, swearing, slamming with doors). I am very thankful for this and it has allowed me to be socially semi-functional and make friends. However, this training had an unintended consequence, I was convinced that the only way to be accepted in society was to isolate myself when it all got too much for me. This does not always work out, and afterwards I feel really guilty, especially if it happens around people I love, because I see it leaves an impact on them. It also does not really help that I am constantly irritated, because of the pandemic, lack of sleep and maybe depression?I feel so guilty for being such an asshole, my friends and family do not deserve it, it is also the reason I feel like I do not deserve their love. Does anyone have similar experiences and/or advice how to convince myself I am worthy of love? I would really love to hear your thoughts I feel like I do not deserve love",Depression +7621,"NSFWI have been depressed since a child. I watched my grandfather die at age 4 of a heart attack in front of me, I was sexually assaulted by my neighbors and age 7 my bio dad passed away. When I was 12 one of my friends committed suicide by hanging himself in his home. I lost my paternal grandma age 18, my maternal grandma age 20 and step grandma age 21 all whom I was extremely close with. I lost my uncle a few weeks before Christmas due to a heart attack just after losing my paternal grandmother right before Thanksgiving.In 2015 my cousin was murdered (shot in the back of the head) in 2018 my paternal grandfather to a heart attack and we had to pull the plug, he died on my fathers birthday 6 February which is 6 days before my birthday. Also, in June 2018 I lost my younger brother due to a devastating car accident that left his body mangled and we found this out the day after it happened, right after my other grandfathers funeral. My brother did not have his ID on him so they could not identify him immediately.2020 I lost my aunt due to a heart attack two days after Thanksgiving. 14 January 21 I lost my mother after her battled with Covid-19. Due to having small children, one with severe respiratory issues and the pandemic I had not seen my mother. The last time I saw her alive was in early December at my aunts funeral. That was the last time I hugged her and held her hand.Forward to March and I lost another aunt, she lost her battle with leukemia.there is more death and many other reasons but my main trigger has been death/loss. I have cried because I am tired of living and want to end my life. I get angry that I have kids because I am afraid of what my loss will do to them and my wife. Especially, after already losing a brother and recently losing two aunts and our mother, I am afraid of what would happen to my brothers if I kill myself.But, the desire is increasing everyday. I am miserable, in a miserable marriage with a wife that does not get me and cares solely that her needs (physical touch) are not being met.I am just ready to leave life behind! Death cannot come soon enough",Suicidal +7622,"did not kms, the rope was too short, started drinking instead. Update 2",Suicidal +7623,"I like to think that I am a proactive person. I believe that if you have unexplored options, you do not have a right to complain. But this is the second time in my life where I feel like I have absolutely no options left. I tried so many ways to be happy and to survive in the past year and they all failed spectacularly or simply evaporated. The crazy thing is that it is not even my fault, I did everything I could. Its the pandemic, it is the economy, it is our slow-ass indecisive bureaucracies, it is everyone being sad at the exact same time.I am talking to a military recruiter soon because I feel like it is my only option left in order to have any level of economic security. But everything else failed, so what is keeping this from not working out too? I have already come really close to killing myself in the past month and a half. I do not want to feel trapped, I do not want to feel like I do not have any options just to simply live. When you feel trapped, you are always one step away. I do not want to be there. Feeling Trapped",Suicidal +7624,"I have always believed that life is meaningless and that at some point I will end up killing myself. I do not know when or why, I just know. No sense",Suicidal +7625,this needs to go on longer. I will be able to end it then. just need a push to overcome instincts. i hope someone i care about tells me to kill myself. numb,Suicidal +7626,"I am tired of feeling tired of being depressed.My life is a bucket full of shit in which I stick my head into every morning.Most people are shallow and act only for their self interest but cover that under a veneer of false benevolence and think we cannot see through their bs. We live in a sick world where we only think about ourselves, use nice people ditch them then repeat the process. The idea of suicide seems more and more attractive to me as days go by Life is made of pain",Depression +7627,"Ugh, I wish I did not need medication to maintain my mood. I am so low today I do not want to do anything, but I have to be a present parent. I want to not feel like a hopeless mess anymore! I want to be able to achieve my goals finally and stop allowing my brain to lose interest in them. I just want to be functional. Not going to cry. Not going to cry. Not going to cry.... Missed my Zoloft last night and now I am back in my hole today.",Depression +7628,"I feel so worthless and unwanted and I have nowhere to go. I am never good enough for anybody and I cannot stop breaking down in my empty house. I thought things would be better, but they are only getting worse and I am scared. I am hurting so badly in ways I cannot explain, and I have nobody when I need someone the most. Please help, I am all alone and it hurts so bad",Depression +7629,We go shopping very rarely and I have not gotten new clothes since I went clothes shopping with my dad a couple years ago. My stepdad hates me and I know it. We go shopping and everyone yes something but me. He favors his kids and wife. I am so done with life I absolutely hate it here. Everyone we go out I end up crying. He makes me want to end my life I hate my family,Suicidal +7630,"I no longer want to live anymore. I honestly have no idea what I am hanging on for. I am so tired of this feeling of emptiness. I just want to be loved. But I know now that is a pipe dream. I am objectively ugly and any chance I get to make friends, I push it away. I am so scared that I will not be good enough. I am not good enough for my parents. My home life is shit. I do not have any friends. I am annoying and selfish. I am tired. I am 16",Suicidal +7631,"Last week I tested positive for covid for the first time.Ever since then, my whole family is now positive. I do not even know how I got it, or if I am the one who infected them, but I just do not care at this point.I was doing so well. I was spending time with my friends and family (outdoors, with masks when needed). I had a workout routine and was feeling so confident in myself. I was going to therapy every week. Practicing self care. Exploring my spirituality.Then, this happens. I am in constant pain, no energy, my lungs burn when I breathe. I cannot sleep. I cannot do weightlifting and my body dysmorphia is back full force. I cannot be around my loved ones. I cannot go to therapy. I cannot read or draw or focus on my hobbies because of the disorientation. I cried more this week than I have in months. I do not want to eat, or move, or exist. I feel immeasurable guilt for possibly bringing this home.Why is it every time I am doing better, life gives me a big old middle finger up the ass? Am I destined to be miserable? I wish I could just die. Depression and Covid-19",Depression +7632,"I have been forgetting things. I feel stupid. I do things on time and then there are mistakes in them because of my forgetfulness. I am easily overwhelmed. I come across as careless. I switched medications earlier this year but I think it is gotten worse because of that.I would fire me. I am tired of myself. I complete a task but inevitably something is off about it no matter how many times I check. I have been at this job for several years and got a warning last year, improved, but now have fallen again.What the fuck is wrong with me? People tell me I am smart all the time so why do I keep messing up? I think I am going to get fired",Depression +7633,"So this is my first time posting on Reddit, apologies if I mess up. To make a long story short, I failed my first year of college. My parents are okay people. they have done some bad stuff to me in the past, but I know they love me so I try to not put it against them. So my dad took out a loan to help me pay for college. Thing is, after COVID restrictions, my mental health went down, way down. I was hardly showing up to my online classes, hardly doing assignments. I failed most of my classes both semesters. I am still enrolled in my school by a gracious loophole the school provides, but I did lose my financial aid for next year and my parents do not know any of this. They are going to pay off the loan today, and its killing me inside. I do not know if they will find out I failed this year or not, but either way I feel that I am such a horrible child, even if I cannot help my mental illness I could have reached out. I do not even want to go to college anymore. I do not want my parents to dump so much money on my stupid suicidal ass, I want to die so they do not have to pay off my loans. I cannot go on, I feel like a walking failure for not just doing my work. Why did not I do it? what is wrong with me? I hate myself so much, why cannot I just be a good child to my parents? I cannot do anything right so I feel like the only way to repent is to die any advice is appreciated I am such a horrible child",Suicidal +7634,"Not ''suicide'' per se, but sometimes I imagine myself just blinking out of existence.Just gone. At this point, I do not feel right anymore but I do not know how to explain/articulate what is going on.Mostly of people I tried to, they told me I am being dramatic, that I am attention seeking because I do not have the right to feel this empty and sad. That I have a family that loves me, talent (more than them) and that they have it worse.I do not even know WHY I feel like this. Sadly, I am a coward and I doubt I would end it. I cannot ask if they would care if I disappeared because they get offended.Sometimes I just want to leave everything, start again. Sometimes I fantasize about disappearing",Suicidal +7635,It feels weird when I am happy and having a good time with my family and friends I have not been able to feel truly happy for a long time now... and I am afraid things will go bad when good things happen to me.,Depression +7636,"I usually do not post anything but I just feel like I need to vent and I am sure some people can relate.I am 23 and have PTSD, anxiety, depression and OCD. The last few weeks I have being struggling mentally and emotionally. I have such a great support system but I still always feel like I am alone.All of my friends stopped talking to me and do not want anything to do with me and it hurts knowing I have no friends to communicate with.When I ask for help, must of the time people say "" you do not look like your struggling"".. how am I supposed to look? I am just so used to hiding it.I feel so alone and miserable. The mental health here in ireland is awful.Sorry about the long text, I just needed to get it off my chest.. Feel so hopeless",Depression +7637,"as a depressed person, who happens to be dating another (severely) depressed person i feel lost. i do not even want to live myself but it pains me even more to see her become even more self destructive. i care about her a lot and it hurts having to constantly hear her talk about how she plans to kill herself. i do not know how to help her, i do not even know how to help myself.. but i cannot just do nothing. does anyone have any advice? Advice for what to say to my suicidal partner?",Suicidal +7638,32 years of fight and I have not got another round in me. I give up . I throw In the towel.. I thought having my son 7 years ago would give me enough purpose but that bad seed in my brain just keeps growing. What was the point of any of this? Game over,Suicidal +7639,"Been through some very bad times, and wondered what others do to feel better.Number one choice , to vent to someone, well not many has that, so I decided to start a shop This is my new shop, iVentThis is day 3Cost is a bit a patience and possibly a lot of friendshipI'm a guy, idk if it matters but ik people have their own need and comfort zone, I am open to everything, every discussion, every vent , anything you can throw at meAnd Remember, ILY and here is a hug () how do you, Free Hugs ()",Suicidal +7640,people make fun of me because I am lonely i do not talk to people and it is embarrassing i want to be dead being lonely is so embarrassing,Suicidal +7641,"Sorry in advance if some sentences do not make any sense as I am not a native speaker. Most of my english comes from memes and series. I am 25 years old male, big loser with no education and living in a shit hole. I have been depressed since I have been concious, and the pain has been gradually increasing to a point that I feel like I cannot take it anymore. My father was not present when I was a kid, and because my mom had to take care of me alone, she overworked herself so she could sustain her kid. The absence of my father and mother in my life hurted me a lot, and while I despise my father for leaving my mom when she was pregnant, I can totally understand why she was absent and trying to give me a decent life to her best efforts. I was physically abused by my babysitter on a daily basis. It was very hard for me to articulate to my mom what she was doing, and this ended when a friend of my family witnessed what she was doing to me one day. After that, I started living alone in our house because my mom could not trust anyone else to take care of me (this was when I was 9 yo). At my 11 years of age, I was sexually abuse by a woman that was 4 years older than me. The experience was very traumatic and sex has always been very difficult since then. All of my romantic relationships have ended in abandonment from my partner, and I wonder if the sexual abuse that I suffered earlier has to do with that. I deserted my undergrad (Mechatronics) because I was scared of failing again in life, and running always seemed easier and safer (I deeply regret this now that I am older, but it is too late to go back). Now I am stuck in a third world country with a very high crime rate and extreme poverty, with no education, no good jobs prospects, nothing. I was very close to end my life a few days ago, but my current girlfriend decided to call me randomly and I broke down into tears and told her everything, and she convinced me to not do it. I have never tried suicide before, but that day I was completely commited to end my life violently and for good. My current relationship is long distance. she is in another country, with an ok job and is on her way to become a permanent resident. Because of my lack of education and preparation, it is almost impossible for me to go to where she is. We met when we were younger in the current country that I live in, and we had a relationship but she left me for reasons that I did not know back then, and then we reconnected few months ago and we are together again (yea, I know that this was a very bad decision). I have decided that I am going to ilegally inmigrate to a first world country and gamble my life there. My options are limited and I fucking hate life so why not? This was a decision I made before I got into this relationship, but now that I am compromised with someone, and realised that there is no way in hell we could be together because she would have to leave everything just to live together with a good for nothing. It really sounds ridiculous. She says that she is deeply in love with me, and would do anything to be together. I feel like what is going to happen is that she is going to realise that she had to sacrifice a lot for an unknown future with someone that is a loser and will end up hating me. I also deeply love her, and I do not think I could forgive myself ever. I want to end my life. I do not think I can fix my situation, and even so, the temptation of killing myself will ever go away. I am so sorry for my mother that had a very rough life, and it seems that I am about to just make it more miserable for her. I hope that my mother, girlfriend and friends could forgive me, but maybe that is asking for too much. I definitely do not deserve any of that. Thank you for reading my story. Am at my wits' end. Thinking about death feels like peace.",Suicidal +7642,"I am 19 and I feel like I have wasted the best years of my life. When I was younger I was extremely shy and scared of everything. I was scared of talking to people at my school, and talking to girls. Even though I was not ugly or something. When I went to highschool I did not really enjoy going to partys with people I did not know so I partied with my closest friends. Now when I have finished highschool I know that I wasted that time. I wish I was more outgoing, not so shy and did not spend so much time at home. I know that there is a lot of younger people here. So I want you to stop worrying and enjoy this time. Ask her/him out, you have got nothing to lose. you will get rejected? So what? Stop dreaming about things that can happen and actually do something to make them happen. I wish I asked Eve out, I did not do it but I knew that she was into me. Maybe I was wrong? I would get rejected? I do not care. Start living and maybe one day you will not feel like me. Teenager with no teenager's life I Hope someone much younger will read this",Suicidal +7643,"I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF LIVING I JUST want to BE 21 SO I CAN FUCKING BLOW MY BRAINS OUT I just got kicked out of my own room and I cut myself again after months of being self-harm free. I have lost everything and nothing gives me pleasure anymore. My mom has told me to kill myself and our relationship is extremely toxic. My dads been dead for years and my dog is the only one that gives me some form of love. But love is bullshit and not real because it always hurts no matter from who. It all keeps tumbling down and I just keep letting me down.I seriously do not know what I am going to do when I go back to college with my roommates, especially because my classes are still online (I W A N T D E A T H) I guess just act happy as usual right? Until I can finally gain the sweet peace i fucking deserve and no longer have to hear these terrible thoughts inside my head. Earth drives everyone crazy, its just a matter of how much you hide your craziness from others because you want to be perceived a certain way. Fuck this world and everyone in it. I quit",Suicidal +7644,"I have been overposting today for some reason. In a manic mood i supposed or whatever. I have been dealing with a lot lately, and even though its been about 3-4 years since I have relapsed I am feeling very weak today and i think i may break. Like nothing i do seems to give me relief unless its gobbling down a pill or two, or just drugs in general. I hate it. I want some kind of change and it hurts knowing that will not happen. I want to be happy, not just for the day. But actually FEEL it day after day. Trigger warning",Depression +7645,I felt like an idiot so I just hung up lol The hotline put me on hold for 20 minutes,Suicidal +7646,"I have lost everything everything and everyone around me. The one person that was keeping me alive left me and stopped talking to me. I have been played with and people only used me. Look my mom mental abuses me and talks down on me. Always arguments between us, we just have a horrible relationship. I am only 14 and I cannot do anything to help myself. I just wish I could be a kid again so I do not have to feel this pain. My dad left and he was my everything and I do not have him anymore. I have stayed up all night with a hand full of pills wondering what I live for anymore. I cannot look at the good things in life anymore. I am just so numb to the pain at this point. My mom does not care about me and how I feel. It does not help my cousin I am close with is severely suicidal and almost went to a mental hospital. All I think about is dying. I just wish I did not wake up in the mornings. I just miss life being easy and not having to worry about anything. My family has been homeless for half of my life just living with people. I stay in my room all day there is nothing to do when you have zero mental energy to even get out of bed or even eat. Then one of my closest friends I was living with tried killing me and my mom. The police were involved and did actually nothing about it, did not even charge him. He tried calling me after saying sorry, he is a sick person. I just want to scream so loud. I am just kind of done with living",Suicidal +7647,"I was just on my bed, feeling suicidal as usual, and then I decided to try browse r/nihilism. I know it sounds odd but hear me out. The realisation that nothing is going to matter kind of helped me a bit. The ability to separate myself from my feelings and thoughts. Nothing will matter in the end, but that does not mean that you will never be able to feel validity in happiness. it is ok to just wander through life enjoying it until we die. I just got out of a suicidal spiral in 5 minutes and I am oddly proud of myself",Depression +7648,"I do not know how people can keep full time jobs. I have always had to job hop because I get incredibly overwhelmed and suicidal when I have to work for so long. You have no free time to do anything that you enjoy when working because your off days you have to play catch up on chores you missed during the week. You do not have the time to go see your loved ones and friends. You become so stressed that you lie in bed at night and get absolutely no sleep. You have no time to cook a healthy meal because you come home at night and you are so exhausted from the day. My anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and suicidal tendencies just start spiraling and I feel like I am drowning. I am expected to keep working because everything in life is so expensive. Why is life so expensive? I would love to stay home and tend to my home/pets but I cannot afford to not work. I feel so stuck. I feel like I would much rather commit suicide than continue to suffer this way... I would rather die than work for the rest of my life",Suicidal +7649,A fucking monster I am evil,Suicidal +7650,"I have been suicidal for it feels like no reason but there is a reason i do not want to live anymore because of the type of household i live in its toxic and i hate it my parents are split so i only have a mom and step dad i have not seen my biological father in 8 years. anyways my household is toxic af.. when my sisters eating dinner she has to ask to use the bathroom she is 7.. she already talks to me about how she hates herself and she calls herself stupid or dumb she is not my actual sister she is my half sister. I am a teen and i still have to put my phone up at 8pm everyday i do not want to to sound addicted to my phone but it is the only way I am able to cope since my parents hardly ever let me go outside and at night is usually when i start feeling down or suicidal so i have no one to talk to. i have to ""earn"" my privacy i have to keep my door open unless it is night or I am changing so i do not get any privacy at all they only approve of one friend and I have known her since i was 3. They get mad at the smallest things and there things they say to me hurt and make me overthink everything. my friends and boyfriend love me endlessly and my boyfriend tells me i can talk to him about anything but i cannot talk to him about this or he would end up in tears he is the only reason why I am still here but i still feel like ending everything because i feel a burden to the world. I do not know if I am overreacting or not but i just want advice . idk anymore just give advice or help",Suicidal +7651,I keep trying to put it away or throw the knife away but it is like an addiction even though i can never bring myself to actually cut How do i stop myself from trying to cut in the shower,Suicidal +7652,"Please do not lecture me, I feel bad enough as it is.I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety approximately 14 years ago. For a long time I did well. And then about 10 years ago I started to slip again. Change of meds, going off, going back on, and multiple changes of jobs (because most of them have been temporary).For quite a while, at different jobs, no matter how good it is, I start calling in sick. I get migraines, so sometimes that is the problem. But sometimes I just cannot get up. It feels too much to go to work.I do not know why I do it. Its ruining my life. Id like to work and have an income.How do I get over this? Calling in sick all the time",Depression +7653,"I am not planning to yeet myself currently, but just in case, I want to know.Any sort of pill or way that can kill you with minimal discomfort?I am just so exhausted right now and I break into a cold sweat very often, and I hate this feeling so much I do not want to endure it. I definitely do not want to endure it during death, hence why I am asking. Are there currently any painless ways of death today?",Depression +7654,"Today is not a very good day and I just want to share it with someone who cares. I out of medication and it is very distressing that with just one day without meds can be really bad. I have been trying to contact with my doctor but she is not answering. I am feeling so alone. Sometimes I just want someone to asks me ""hey, how are you?""",Depression +7655,"I write this right here because it really is the only community where I felt like there were cool people, and although surely a mod will erase it, meh, what can i do? it was tried, and so that if someone who knew me recognizes my story, and knows that I triedI am 16 years old, and today I may will kill myself, because I am already tired of trying&#x200B;Since I was little, I have never had friends, my parents always constantly changed me schools for reasons of the area, so, I never really had friends, never, it was just me with my childish antics, that is why my parents hated me, they hated that I was naughty, but, I was just a kid, and to this day they hate me.I even remember a school that I was in my puberty I was desperate for friends but I was not aware that it was the Castroso child, it seems that even a teacher hated me, I remember how one day that teacher stopped her entire class so that the whole class would say the things that bothered him about me, it was supposed to be therapy, but it was only two hours of all my classmates reminding me of the bad person I am, that day I think I left it engraved in my mind, because after spending so much time sad I think that I no longer feel my emotions well, and I do not know how to socialize very well, even though I used to do it well, or, I think.When I was 14, I moved to Mexico because my father found a better job here, and Well, I took my whole family, again, I started from 0, but, I met a girl, who for some reason spoke to me, and I thought she would I liked it, one day, I declared myself, and I spent several months very happy with her, but, I kept feeling lonely and confused with so many changes and things, and, in the end, when I asked her for help, the only person I had, she He ended up pulling away from me, again, because of me.Half a year ago I did not receive affection from even my family.2 weeks ago I did not speak to anyone at all.Yesterday I decided to write her a letter to free myself, knowing that nothing would happen and only take another blow that was already waiting for me, alone, she told me that even hearing my name makes her bad, that I stay away from her, maybe, if I went bad, and if someone is reading this, do not wait for logic, I think you have already lost a lot of sanity after so many months alone, and, you know what? I am quite tired of fighting, if it is me or it is not me the effect is the same, if I was bad no one will miss me, and everyone will be happy that I am dead, and if someone loved me? It just does not happen, but why did not I see it or did someone ever show it? Meh, I am tired of suffering from shit that is so normal for everyone, I am a shitty person and I deserve to be alone for everything I did, I do not expect anything anymore, I just hide my pain with even more pain, with all the cuts in my arm, I am tired of everything, I have not been a bit of happy months ago, my mother loves me and I have lost everything, I think that today I will jump from the top floor of my building and see if I am dead and I seem relevant to someone , but you know what? Nor will it be, so you, random from the internet who read this, I suppose thank you, you really must be bored to literally read my last words, do not try anything, change is no longer an option, besides, we both know that you care shit, it is just a random reddit post, you do not have to remind me, I just want to erase myself from the face of this earth.&#x200B;Now, i cannot wait more, i wrote this a pair of hours ago, but i cannot support my own mind anymore, i took the full pot of prozac and I am playing COD zombies while listening to ""it is been a long, long, time"", shit, too bad, I almost took out the zombie dark matter, meh, someone sure will get my account My last goodbye",Suicidal +7656,Every day it is just like a tug of war with myself,Suicidal +7657,When I realise that I am still alive I feel a panic of knowing it I am feeling panic just for being alive you know,Depression +7658,How much would I have to take to off myself. I have a lot of each. Would it be painful? alcohol and Ambien,Suicidal +7659,"I am so stressed and tired, i have a lot of homework to do, i want to do my own things that make me actually happy, i hate having intrusive thoughts because they just torture me. i want to sleep all day and no wake up ever. I am just a stupid person who even cannot to math, what kind of person i am?????I want to change this life of , every day i want to do something that makes me actually happy, i just think that this is the only one life i will ever get, why i am spending in things that make me feel like trash. Why do i let them torture me? why do i torture myself? why I am not happy? i want help, like a pysquiatric or something, i want to get these demons out of my head, I am just the worst and I am want to die really much i do not want this life anymore",Suicidal +7660,"Hi everyone. Can I ask for help? Lately, I cannot see a future with my life. I have been considering ending it. I am incredibly sad, I do not have someone to share this. My parents does not say that they think of me as trash but I can feel their disappointment. I thank them for that. I recently found out if I want a kid, that child will be a sickly child. I decided to never have my own family, not because I want to but because it is the right thing to do. I am cutting off my ties with my friends and family so when I do leave this life soon, it will be more acceptable. I decided. I should not have ask for help. I do not know what to feel.",Depression +7661,"*^(\*(this got deleted from the self-harm section so I am reposting here)\*)*self-harm has been a struggle for me for a while now.the other night i had a very bad episode (intense panic, I have been struggling with depression and severe anxiety for a while now). so i grabbed my blade, went to the bathroom, and wanted to end it all. i went very very deep on my arms (vertically). my dad saw my arms and grabbed the blade away from me, my mom tried to help & i was taken to the hospital where i got stitches.these past 2 days, a number of people in my life have found out about the incident 2 nights ago. let me tell you, not one of them has reached out to ask if i was okay or tell me they were glad i was still here. they are just so ..... nonchalant about it.its basically confirming the fears I have had for years now -- that, if i actually went through with my urges & committed suicide, no one would care. i mean their behavior is pretty much proving it. my own siblings and parents have not said a word about it. just ""stay safe vanessa"". that is it.i fucking wish it worked. (TW) just survived a suicide attempt and it feels like no one cares.",Suicidal +7662,I hope you die a horrible painful death as soon as possible To the guy who reported my post which lead to my acc getting banned,Suicidal +7663,"First off: English are not my first language and this post could be a little longer.Writing this feels kind of surreal but I think i need to get it off my chest.I was diagnosed with depressive and social anxiety disorder like a year ago.(Went to therapy)My gf and i broke up with , like 2 months ago. I feel so empty now, the first week after the breakup was not so bad, just weird.But like right now I am pretty close to the edge.I am a failure, got no motivation to doe anything.(shower, work out etc.)It was a relationship of 1,5 years and I just feel like something was ripped out of me.All my happiness, my motivation, my will to live and everything else that made me happy is gone now.She already has a new one.I deleted all of her pics yesterday and it hurt me so much to think about the time with her.I tild myself yesterday:If this doesbt get better in 2022, I am killing myselfI know it sounds harsh but, if my life is not woth living because of the everlasting pain and discomfort inside my head.then why should i keep trying?I already was in a dark place before the relationship ended but this episode is by far the worst i have ever expierienced.Thanks for listening. I think this is the end",Depression +7664,"Hi, lately I have been feeling really depressed and I do not know the reason, I have been crying for several days too. Some days are better fortunately but I feel stuck and worried about the impact of my mental health on my future. I cannot get therapy because my mom said I did not have problems when I opened up to her for the first time (I am 17 btw), I guess some parents are not open minded and understanding enough to understand mental illness. When I try to have fun I cannot enjoy it, I always feel either sad or numb. I remember the times when I was not even feeling depressed like that. I hope it gets better one day, but I feel guilty for doing nothing for it. I tried to read books about mental health but I do not have the motivation for it yet. I feel pretty lonely too, I just have some support on the internet but nothing in real life because I struggle to open up to people. Feeling so depressed and hopeless",Depression +7665,"Over the years I have tried to put so much effort in improving my mental health. I have tried meditation, dieting, exercising, medication, whatever. But everything I have done has been pretty much in isolation without any sort of validation or positive affirmation from other people. I have no friends, my parents do not understand what I am going through and everytime I relapse it gets harder and harder to pick myself back up. I am not exactly a defeatist but god, I am so exhausted from having to do this by myself. it is really hard to get better without a support network.",Depression +7666,Fuck my feelings. Fuck my thoughts. They are not real. I am nothing. I am just a flesh puppet acting out the will of causality. All glory to god. Mind is not to be trusted,Suicidal +7667,"How do i deal with my jealousy towards my closest friends, they are buying houses having kids getting new jobs, while still in this dead end job of which I have had for 11 years.I am now actively avoiding there happiness as i do not what to mess uo our friendship. As I am having what i consider the worse 2 years of my life.11k I am debt,Thought about dying 100s of times, I have gained 4 stone, Losing my boyfriend through deportation.But every time I have called the doctors to get help I have not had the courage to continue the call.I am struggling on a daily bases to keep it together, but i just spend time crying and thinking it would be best to bot have anyone in my life as i would just slow them down.This may not be the right place for this stuff but it has felt a bit better getting these thoughts down on paper(so to speak).Thanks for listening Safe space(vent)",Depression +7668,"I am surrounded by people and yet i feel so lonely. i cannot rely on anyone because I am too scared of opening up. i just want to get through college but why does no one help? why is no one cheering on me? i spent a year doing nothing because no one wanted to help me. i did everything i could and it still was not enough. i even went through things that i never imagine id do just to earn enough money trying to pay for my education and yet I am still labelled as useless by some family members. i do not see the point of continuing life anymore. i know deep inside me that i still want to live, because if i did not i would not be here ranting out. i just want one more reason to live, please, I am so tired. I feel so lost.",Suicidal +7669,Someone from this Reddit just called me ugly and told me to go to hell for no reason bestie this is a Reddit for suicidal people but thanks for making it worse Yikes,Suicidal +7670,I am going to Kill myself today by carbon monoxide poisoning but I am not really sure how to do it can someone explain please. Please help me Suicide,Suicidal +7671,"I have been suicidal for a long time, I tried to hang myself in grade 6 and all the way through high school because I was fat. But now I think this is it. I had an abortion and I feel really guilty and I lied to everyone and told them I had a miscarriage but now it is catching up to me. I am facing academic exclusion because I have failed so many classes and I feel like I am going nowhere, fast. I am poor so I have no choice but to make it and that is a lot of pressure. I hate who I have become and I used to feel sympathy for my family (that is what would make me not want to do it) How they would feel, how shattered they would be but now I feel nothing. All I say to myself is, ""they will understand"", and it kind of worries me that I just I am impartial like that. I have been crying for hours and I just cannot stop - it feels like something is stuck in my throat.I hate that I am back in this position because I know I can do better but I do not know how. Thought I would not but...",Suicidal +7672,"Is anyone having a particularly bad time right now? I really need to get outside my head, and maybe gain some perspective through the problems of others. Last summer I lost my job. I have been working towards improving my symptoms, and I do see a steady improvement. A few months ago I could not sleep for more than 3 hours. Falling asleep was almost impossible. My anxiety shot through the roof, as I was having daily panic attacks (a new thing for me). I lost my job, went back to school and got my degree. I am worried all the time. I ruminate all the time. I was bedridden for a few months and I lost about 50 pounds. My muscles have atrophied. My teeth rotted as I was not caring for myself. I am in a lot of pain physically and mentally. I cry multiple times a day sometimes uncontrollably. I will be 30 in less than a year and I feel like I am already dying. All I can think of is the negative, even though I have some positives. I am relatively healthy, no serious physical diseases.I have an amazing and beautiful girlfriend. I love her more than anything and she always returns the love tenfold. She has been trying to support me during this very dark period and I feel horrible for dragging her down. When the depression and anxiety were at their peak I was considering suicide every minute of the day. I had to call the suicide hotline and the lady I talked with used a tough love approach which actually helped put things in perspective. Anyway, even though the symptoms have been improving things keep happening in the middle of my recovery that trigger the anxiety and depression. Just yesterday when I was feeling quite good about my situation, I became the victim of identity theft. Here we go again. One step forward and 10 steps back. I obsess about things, and it has been driving me crazy. There are compounding problems contributing to this hole I have dug besides my mental health. I need a kind stranger to tell me what they are going through as well so I do not feel so alone. I am hurting really bad. My heart and spirit feel broken. Anyone else? Anyone Else Having The Worst Year of Their Lives? I desperately want to feel less alone and reading about the what others are going through helps.",Depression +7673,"Okay so, I have this friend I made in school. One time there was like this show going on in my school in the auditorium and I threw one of my popcorn piece on another kid jokingly, then when the kid looked my way, my friend immediately pointed her finger at me so that she will not get blamed for my actions which really hurt me.. What should I do? Should I drop her for snitching on me? Help Friends or not",Depression +7674,I have been wronged. I never asked to be born. I have suffered a lot. I want revenge. My birth was a mistake,Suicidal +7675,"To those who have attempted, how did you get over the fear? How do I get over the fear",Suicidal +7676,If I could I would kill you all. There you go. that is how I truly feel. I hate humans,Suicidal +7677,"I am a coward, I do not have the guts to take my own life, but why does not my body give up on my part. I have not done anything to deserve this, I wish my body stops working in sleep everyday. My parents, so many expectations, so many hopes, I crush them all, day in, day out. My parents deserved a much, much better child, they did not deserve a disaster like me, but they still love me and it makes me do guilty. I am beyond repair, but still I cannot dispose myself off, cowardice. I do not want to exist, I wish I get replaced by someone else or at the least get vanished into oblivion along with all the traces and memories I have in this world. Fuck this rant sounds cringe sorry you had to read this. Why does my heart keep beating, my body keeps working hard to keep me alive, even though I have given up?",Depression +7678,"I give up, I have been battling suicide and suicidal thoughts since I was ten.I used to have something that made me keep on living, my dogs, my mom, my friends; this is not the case anymore.I know this is selfish but I really do not have the mental strength anymore, I cannot find the strength in anybody, I feel like my life is a subtle form of agony (I will never compare my life to what some people go through, and I know I definitely do not have it worse, but I cannot explain it, its kind of like as if it was a continuous loop, or as if you were just chained and could not get out), I just want to be free, I have waited years for finding the light at end of the tunnel after I said no almost last minute at my first/only suicidal attempt, but I did not, I just experienced more bullying, more psychological abuse, more trauma, more hatred for myself (eating disorders and body dysmorphia), although I have taken some big steps on the last thing, and although I am starting to see myself as beautiful I still cannot talk or act normally when I see someone (whatever they are a he, a she, or a them) that its beautiful because I feel inferior to them, I am afraid of getting insulted in the streets because I am ugly, I think Ill never be loved (as in loved by a boyfriend), heck sometimes I even question my gender (I am 99% sure its not actual gender dysphoria but rather envy or just the feeling of being someone different) at times I do not feel comfortable or part of my friends group, I wish I could tell them how I feel but I cannot because I hate being vulnerable.I wish I could...you know, but I literally have NOTHING to do it (or at least to not have a painful end).Probably still going to prepare in case it happens, I am going to give my password to one of my friends so that they can continue to post content on my insta (I have not posted since February my followers deserve some damn content) I wish I could do it but I do not have anything",Suicidal +7679,"My grandmother told me you are not the granddaughter I know when I opened up about my abuse and trauma from my parents when I got into an argument with them. I also spoke about my depression as well. She told me that I should never tell my friends about my abuse or trauma since they will walk away. I am glad to have some supportive friends but recently I have been pretty burned out from the constant abusive words I am faced with everyday. I have not really talked to anyone since I just have no energy at all. Maybe I should take my grandmas advice and never EVER open up about my abuse and trauma. Hell, maybe I should stop doing to my therapist all together since Ill never be able to beat my depression. My whole life just continues to spiral down. Its gotten to the point where I have been contemplating suicide again since I have previously failed years ago. I just wish my father swung his wooden chair lower so that he would of bashed open my skull so I would be dead Your not the granddaughter I know",Suicidal +7680,i just want to die...I should be happy but i just want to die. It should all end. i just want to die,Suicidal +7681,"(Idk what subreddit to put this in, so I decided to put it in here)Why is it that when someone admits that they may have a bad characteristic, people admire it? They are impressed that someone can admit to having a weakness. Such as being too sensitive, or too inconsiderate, too myopic, too loud, too shy, etc. In general people are impressed that others can admit a weakness about themselves. People admire that you can admit fault and be able to constructively criticize yourself.Now, once you start talking about physical attributes such as being too skinny, or too fat, or not good looking enough its becomes a matter of self esteem. Not a matter of constructive self criticism, its now that you are insecure. They tell you that you need to think better of yourself. That your looks do not define you. ""Work on your self esteem"" or ""You sound insecure"". Why cannot I just peacefully say or admit that I am not good looking? Or that I am not in anyway physically attractive? Why does that make me insecure acknowledging a fact about myself? I know and I am reminded everyday. I can see how I am treated differently as opposed to conventionally attractive people. I know that I have never been liked romantically by anyone. Why cannot people accept that instead of invalidating me and saying I am too negative or that I am just *insecure*?I am not asking for pity or for validation. I just stated a fact that I have observed about myself. If it makes you uncomfortable so be it. But you would be fine if I admitted that I was not outspoken, or a good problem solver right? I would not be insecure, I would just be someone who wants to be better. I am not insecure, I am also not blind. I see myself in the mirror everyday. Pretending that I am attractive is not going to change anything. So stop. Insecurities",Depression +7682,"I am ready to give up and as the title says nothing seems to help me anymore. Honestly I have been struggling for so long I do not even know why I have not killed myself already. I have no outlet, no one to fucking talk to that seems to get it. I just want someone not to judge me for once. I feel like such a freak for the smallest of things and I do not know how to let it out anymore....I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over again and yet I have no one to let vent to or let out all this frustration and to truly tell how much of a worthless piece of shit I feel likeGod I am so lonely, lonely and tired and yet I cannot even get a God damns night rest anymore. I wish I was not such a fuckinf coward so I could just do the deed and kill myself already..... Nothing helps me anymore",Suicidal +7683,"I feel so empty. I feel like I am machine. I am sick of repeating the same thing every day.you can easily quit playing games when you got bored of it, and I want to quit my life. I do not want to live",Suicidal +7684, Anyone feeling a bit lost in their teens-30s watch this,Depression +7685,"I often get confused by my own depression. I think to myself, how can I be depressed? I have many friends, a successful job that I have earned being employed at the same company for 9 years, I am in college working on my 3rd degree, I am proud of myself and generally have a pretty good relationship with myself. I have been in therapy for over 10 years. I am from a family of addicts, I have been sober for 10 years with no desire to relapse. All in life is fairly good, I really have no complaints other than the normal stresses of life. Yet, I have these episodes where I completely shut down. I will be high functioning for good periods of time than BOOM! I am out of commission for a few days where I put myself back together. Does anyone else suffer like this? Any recommendations for self help books? I recently read many books about the power of no to avoid burn out but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! High functioning depression",Depression +7686,that is pretty much it I have slowly stopped eating less per day how should I overcome this ? I am not eating enough,Depression +7687,"why do i feel so sad. i feel so lost and lonely. please, someone. anyone. help me. either kill me ir save me.i want to be saved. i want to be comforted. i want to make friends.i want to cry.i want it all to be over.I am too scared to die. could some one kill me? make me die painlessly? please?help me. please. I am not okay.",Suicidal +7688,"I am not depressed or at least I do not think I am in an episode.I just feel so fucking dead inside.I feel so apathetic about literally everything.I cannot sleep well because I lost my job and I do not do anything physically during the day anymore. I do not want to look for new jobs because job hunting is trash.I start college in the fall so even if i do find a job I will only be able to work a little.Parents are in my ass about college enrollment when I am doing my best. I do not care about spending my life on anything better then quick little bursts of dopamine like videogames, weed, sex, internet, and memes.I do not care if I live for tomorrow or die right this minute, I could not care for a single heartbeat.The only thing that keeps me alright is my boyfriend but too much of that is unhealthy too and I would die before I ruin this relationship.Just so fucking dead inside. Feeling dead inside [Rant]",Depression +7689,I have been struggling with depression and questioning who I am as a person for the last couple of years but it recently has been getting way worse. I wrote a song to express myself if anyone wanted to hear it. I know I am not supposed to do it,Depression +7690,"Nothing is worth it, I try so hard and all for nothing. I try my best to be true to me, but still I am unwanted. I want to die I want to be missed, I just want to be wanted.But I am nothing Nothing",Suicidal +7691,"My friends reported me to the school counselors for my thoughts/behavior, expressing that I have been wanting to die. They contacted my parents of course and they took away my phone there is a reason why I did not tell them T-T what the heck",Suicidal +7692,LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!,Suicidal +7693,"At this moment, I am in no danger, because I still have fear, but I am having daily ideation of the plan. down to the last detailAs to why, the reasons are typical and boring, but let us just say I have lived enough, and it is getting harder to continue on every day. But, I still have a lot of resistance to overcome. I want to be able to do the deed in a calm, detached manner. No butterflies, no sadness, just this is my time to die.I have not attempted ever because the way I would do it will be 100% not survivable. But there is that pesky self-preservation instinct to overcome yet. Mentally preparing myself for the end",Suicidal +7694,"to whom going to read my post i am sorry for not writing these points in a connected story , forgive me i got no energy for that.i want to speak these off my shoulders because i hate when\- when i have too much to hide \- when i know that the smile on face does reflect real happiness in my heart \-i hate the addictive life of internet , social media , , everything that is not real.. \- my day goes so fast and i have no energy to do anything. when night comes i hate myself more for not being productive \- i wish i have somebody to talk to without judging, somebody to listen to my crying heart i feel so alone",Depression +7695,"It was in 2011-early 2013. I was feeling particularly empty that day for some reason. I felt sad, but the emotion felt distant. I was looking for the Sponge Bob episode ""A Flea in Her Dome"". I saw a low quality video of it and all of a sudden I started feeling down. I felt this weird nostalgic feeling, but not a good one. It was the feeling you get when your life goes by too fast despite the fact that I was only 9-11. I was crying uncontrollably all day long, but like I said my emotions felt distant. I was feeling a pain deep in my stomach and in the back of my throat. It felt like I had to forcefully exaggerate my expressions to force out the sadness. I honestly do not know how to explain it. I felt empty and like the emotions were distant and far off. I felt removed from myself. Idk how to explain this but I have felt empty inside since then and I am only 18M(almost 19).I am sorry if I explained this horribly I remember the last time I cried.",Depression +7696,"My partner broke up with me. We dated for 8 months and were extremely co dependant. It was not a healthy relationship because she did not want to get better and I wanted her to. We met up and she is with someone else as soon as a month after, an extreme alcoholic drinking 750mls every night and I am still in love with her.The breakup is what originally sent me into the depression, but it was not just that. Where I live was going above and beyond with covid restrictions even though people were getting vaccinated and you would be fined for even seeing your family. My parents were being insane, my brother was not doing well, and it took a huge toll on me too. More than I know, I think.Then I made the impulsive decision to get an apartment right after the breakup. The move in date is September 1st and as much as I should be happy, that makes me even more depressed for some reason.I have no friends with depression, I have no one that talks to me constantly (my ex did so I am feeling extremely lonely after just getting cut off from that), and I just feel so exhausted and alone. I want to go out, but I want to be alone. I feel nothing - literally nothing. I am just a numb husk that gets stuck in depressive thought loops over and over and wakes up to panic attacks.I have been in bed for over a week now, my room is beyond disgusting, I cannot eat and look like skin and bones, and my Dad basically has to take care of me because I cannot. I have gone out once or twice but I feel nothing the whole time. I cannot live like this. I have clinical depression and have extremely intense depressive episodes multiple times a year but this is the worst one I have had since I was in fucking jr high. (I am in college now). I think I am suicidal but I am so numb and empty I cannot even tell. The healthcare system in general, let alone the mental healthcare, where I live is abysmal but I am genuinely considering calling the crisis line and getting myself admitted to the mental health ward. The only thing stopping me is how much it would affect my family.I just feel so lost and SO alone and I do not know what to do. I think I came here to just talk to more people who are struggling like me, but if you have any advice please let me know. I am so tired. I am in one of the worst depressive episodes of my life.",Depression +7697,"I really do not want to because its honestly very depressing for me to think that at the young age of 23, I am already considering throwing away my one and only life. I wish I believed in some form of reincarnation but I honestly do not. I think that if it were possible to somehow trade my life away for another and start all over again, I would do it without hesitation. But nobody is capable of figuring out what truly lies beyond death and still be around to tell about it. Is it just an empty void or is it eternal torture what is waiting for me? I am scared to find out. I honestly do not think Ill miss anyone or anything that exists in this world. I am having trouble finding new interests to keep me entertained and I am losing the very few that I do. I love my parents, I would be devastated when the time comes when they are no longer around. I honestly do not think I could say the same about any of my siblings, any secondary family members, or anyone else in general. I have become estranged with just about everyone. Most of them just see me as a lazy bum who does not care to improve himself, and maybe they are right. But I am also not right in the head, so can you really blame me for the way that I feel? I feel alone.I have ideas on how i could get better but I am just too lazy to do anything about it. I think most of this laziness comes from how mentally strenuous some of my ideas are and whether or not it will even be worth it in the end. Id hate to give myself a bigger headache than what I already have right now, all for nothing.At this point, I find myself romanticizing the act of suicide more and more. To finally take charge of your own life and do the inevitable. I kind of hope that my life will get progressively worse just so that making the decision to commit suicide will be a lot easier. Or at least motivate me enough to finally take action into improving myself out of desperation. I am at the beginning stages of considering suicide and its making me very uncomfortable.",Suicidal +7698,Please not tonight. Yes my will is weak I am losing my shit while writing this. Please save me I am scared One more reason to continue,Suicidal +7699,All I have left if hate and resentment. My life is no longer worth living. I just want to be forgotten.,Depression +7700,"I do not know where else to turn to. It feels like my brain hates me. I should be happy, I have a good job, I have a roof over my head, and clothes on my back, more than a lot of other people have. I should be able to smile, but it drains more energy out of me than I can possibly describe. The voices in my head tell me I am not good enough, I will never be good enough. Pathetic. Useless. Worthless. Stupid. waste of space, time, energy, and matter. the world would be better without me, besides what is a small screw in the grand scheme of things, the world will still spin, my family will move on. Maybe without me dragging them down, they can finally be happy. I look in the mirror and I harbor nothing but disgust and resentment for that \*thing\* looking back at me. and then it speaks to me, Pathetic. Useless. I learned at a young age, people will pretend to care about you if they can see your scars, so I cut my legs, they cannot see those, no one will ever see those. they pretend to care, and then talk behind your back, ""oh look, cutting again, how PATHETIC"" ""grow up"" ""be a man"" I have told my family about the monsters, they say its just a phase, 'its not a fucking phase I just want to feel ok, ok motherfucker now you have got my attention, I need to change a couple things', but what to change, I eat right, I exercise, literally only drink water. My dog is the only thing in this world keeping me here. I made the decision to kill myself June 23rd 2020, at 5:21 am, I tied a noose and hung it in my closet, wrote a note that no one would ever care about and stepped into my closet for what I thought was the last time, then my dog barked, and she never does that. I cannot do that to her, So I will live for her. but how Pathetic, staying alive for a dog. an animal that would forget about me in a month. I have family that would forget about me in a month, ""friends"" that do not even care now. I bring up my past to family, my parent told me its ""impossible for a man to get raped"" well, guess I am the impossible, happened twice in my life, once at 13 and again at 15, so I secluded myself away from women and now I have a hard time opening up to them when trying to get a relationship, and they do not understand that, not exactly something to bring up on a first date, and heh, never get second ones. How Pathetic, typing to a bunch of strangers who do not care. why should they. I have tried getting help, but the meds make me feel worse, all of them, the therapists push their agendas, no one is against you, they are only for themselves, but if I am not for myself, then no one is. Worthless. I have even done things that I thought id never do, I have prayed, and prayed, looking, asking for help, for the strength to get rid of my demons, my monsters, to no avail. The monster just laughs at me, Useless. I used to be smart, used to have a lot of practical knowledge, now its all superficial, Stupid. Nothing I do in this life will make any difference, the words I say will bring no impact to anyone else. all I want is for just one (1) person to read this, I suppose. but that is a lot to ask. why would they waste their time, their energy, their precious internet activity on someone so,,, Pathetic. I want to reach out, but I am just a waste of space, time, energy and matter, I do not matter. I never will, when I die, the history books will never say my name, they will never look at me, just bones in the ground turning to dust, at least ill be useful to the fungus, probably not even the right place to post this, there are so many more people in more need than I am, I made a promise, and I intend to keep it, I will not die until I give my dog the best life, its what she deserves. does not mean I do not spend every waking moment wishing, thinking, planning my death, one day just disappear, never to be seen again. I would go to Canada, in the northern forests, find a spot in the summer, I have already picked my day, June 23rd. what a good day to die, the method, I am not so sure, guns are messy, pills are unreliable, rope does the trick. If anyone has read this, I thank you, I am sorry you have decided to waste your time reading the words of some\*thing\* like me, but I thank you nonetheless. I have had this typed out for 3 days, just hovering over the post button, not wanting to burden others with my stupid problems. if this gets sent at all, id be surprised. The Monster In The Mirror",Suicidal +7701,I do not have any motivation to be alive anymoreIts what I want Can I seriously just die already,Depression +7702,"But would you want to face the possibility of finding yourself in a world like this one and go through hell again? Face your demons here friends. To live is to suffer, but do not worry, death never misses. When its your time, its your time. It might seem long, but its not, millions of years have passed and trillions of plants, animals, and humans have already died. Hell, 20 years ago for me seemed like yesterday. Do whatever feels right for you, seriously, fuck what society or anyone else thinks. Do whatever you want, except taking the life out of yourself. Death itself will take care of that for you, it always does, with 101% accuracy. You might think you are already dead inside, but are not well all? Its either that or were numb from pleasure. Let yourself be a goddamn mess, because damn, madness is beautiful and we all know we need a little(a lot) more crazy in this world. You do not want to be here in this hell",Suicidal +7703,"I tried today, partial suspension, but I panicked when I started to pass out. I do not want to live like this anymore but I am too scared to end things. Help.",Suicidal +7704,"In less than a month I will kill myself, unfortunately I feel only sadness or pain, I am just a loser and no matter how many years I live, this fact will not change, so I decided that it would be easier to finish it all, all I hope is that I feel nothing, whether during My attempt to commit suicide or after my death, I wish I had not been born or lived some happy moments in my life, every day is worse than the previous one and unfortunately I am becoming a worse person day by day, so I may rest a bit after my death, thank you and I wish everyone a happy life I hate myself",Suicidal +7705,Fuck this life. I think I am going to kill myself.,Suicidal +7706,"Way to add stress to a stressful situation, assholes. HEY MODS STOP DELETING MY POSTS WITH NO EXPLANATION",Suicidal +7707,"Its taking a toll on our relationship and I do not know how to help. I do not deal with depression, anxiety or any other mental health issues. It makes it really hard to relate. She does not want to seek professional help as she is said in the past that when she is gone before she never knows what to say. I want to help her get on the road to recovery but I do not know what to do. What are the best ways for me to be supportive of my wife dealing with anxiety and depression?",Depression +7708,"I just think, think, think... Day by day. The situation is not improving. And I made a decision. But I do not know how to do it without causing myself more pain...I just want it to happen calmly and painlessly. Maybe someone know how?... Thoughts...",Suicidal +7709,"I have been walking around being productive, I have a boyfriend, I have emancipation papers (not filled out), I have this big plan on how I am going to go out and live life and pursue college. I have told all my friends that I am going to leave my family (which I feel like is emotionally and mentally abusive but I am not sure) and go get an apartment and finish highschool and go straight to college and then Med school. Problem is, I have not actually done any of that. This past year I got pulled out of school twice for suicide watch, my grades plummeted, I quit my sports team and I cut off most of my friends, I stopped showing up to work and I just tried to not to kill myself. Recently its been getting worse at home. My father has become more controlling, grounding me for stupid things, taking away my car, not letting me see my boyfriend or friends, gaslighting me for not spending time with him, etc. My mother has gotten better she has not manipulated me in a while so I think were fine. Her husband on the other hand, says that I am the reason my mothers health has deteriorated, both of my stepparents have said that I am the reason our family is dysfunctional. Sometimes I like to think I am stronger than others, that I have it worse than my friends, but that is not true at all. I am weaker than all of them. My life is so easy. So why should I want to stop existing? there is been awful shit that is happened when I was a kid Ill admit, but as of late lifes not as bad as it could be. Idk I just feel so stupid. Living the vida depressy",Depression +7710,if it was not for her i would have ended it already. Sometimes i get so mad and upset that i think about ending it and then i see her napping in the corner. Only thing that is stopping me. do not care about anything else my cat,Suicidal +7711,"I really want to. But I do not want to hurt the few people who care about me. I do not want them to feel the way I do everyday. But I do not know how much longer I can take this. I do not have the power to continue. I do not have the power to change my life. I feel so fucking helpless and I cannot take it anymore.And the most stupid thing: others have it worse! I am crying over my life but it is not even that bad. I have a roof over my head, and I have food. Others do not have this and do not cry as much as me. I feel like a shitty person. I want to die.",Depression +7712,"that is the question I have been asking myself, for months. I am underage (less than 15) and I think I can asked myself that fricking question. I live with my mom and my two sisters, my dad live in another country with another family. But I do not care, that is not why I am asking myself that. One of my sisters (14 years old) said (when I wad 5/6) that I was a big baby, and that I just needed to suck up my problems and grow up, because that is what adults do. I was 5, why the fvck you want me to act like an adult ?! But I was little, and she was the sister I admired, so I did it. My other sister (17 years old) was the one that I was not really talking to, because of our age difference. But we had the same interest (book, anime, japan, culture...) so we started talking more and more together. But I sincerelly regret it. She thinks that just because she is older than me, she can do what my mom do (scolding me when I do something wrong and all that). And she think it, but WAY too much. Example: one of the day her best friend was home, I did some noise will drinking my chocolate milk and she smashed my head on the cup, and I started crying and bleeding. Her friend told her that she was exagerating and to say sorry or help me but no, she think it was the right thing and she does not cared. Example 2: I started fighting with her (verbally) and she pinned me against the sofa, hurting my shoulders and I pushed her in stomach so I cn go to my room. But there, my other sis (14) literally started beating me up, till I was on the floor, crying and screaming: ""stop ! It hurts ! Stop fucking beating me !!!"" And my sis (17) said: ""stop ! do not get physical !"" But she was the one pushing me on the sofa. When I called my mom, she said she did not want to know anything. Example 3: yesterday (27 july 2021) i was playing fortnite with my cousin (10) and step-sis (10). I am used to curse but they know I was sarcastic. I said shut the f up to my step sis and syam (17 yo big sis name) started yelling at me ""do not talk like that"" like i xas talking ti this bitch. Then she said things like ""y you responding"" (because that is how a conversation works) and at the end she said ""to you think I am your friend"" and i was like: ""well i do not pick people with such petsonnality as my friend"" BUT, since i wanted to finish that argument i just said ""uh... no ?"" And she smashed my head on the switch i was playing with. I screaming ""WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ???"" and pushed her in the stomch so that crazy would go away. In conclusion, i have a scratch on my face, that i will maybe keep 4ever. Yesterday, because of that, I scarified myself. Its been 13 days I did not do it. I do not care about the mark, but the fact she would want it on my face is what hurts. I tried to end my life multiple times, since I was 9. The first time was because a person in my family r^ped me. Since that I cannot feel pleasure in life, and even if I did forgive that person, she is still horrible with me. My sexuality is a problem. My mom said ""you are lucky I accept you"". Like if you do not think you will accept me, why you did a kid ? But some people get kicked out, so I guess I am lucky. My gender is a problem. I identify myself as a genderfluid person, but he/him pronous are the one I love the most (even if I use all pronous, even it). Who am I is a problem. I need to smile. Always. Even if I am just eating. My mom said these exact words:""Smile. I said SMILE ! Ugh !!! Why will not you smile ?? it is not like you are unhappy either ??? Do you even have a reason to not be hapoy, to smile ???"" Well do I have a reason to smile and to be happy, while I am not doing anything except eating ? And last but not least, what I asked. I never asked to be born, to live with my mother, to go see friends, to go to someone is birthday, to live, to be feed, to have a house or go to school. I only asked a few things, and one of them is to go see a therapist. I asked it. I asked it three time. But even if she said yes, she did not do anything. And so, what am i supposed to do ???I am supposed to smile if I am not ? I am supposed to stay with my mom because she fighted for me for years, even if she do not care about my mental health or well being ? I am supposed to let my sisters hit me, just because they are a few years older ? I am supposed to do things, but how can I do them if I cannot even take care of myself ? What am I supposed to do ?",Suicidal +7713,"He sits aloneIn darkness, he swellsNo place like home.His eyes are wetHis lips are crookedNo need to fret.Mental paintings which hungNow lay, dust covered.Words which used to flow like waterHave now dried. he is tired. He feels alone. That which used to helpNo longer supplies. These words mean nothing.He thinks to himself.They do not help.They do not soothe.So hell retire from his ink stained desk.And ask what is my worth? I have thought this since birth.if i can even walk this earth,Blissful waves, no doubt id surf. But what is the point, If i do not even know my own worth.Shit, am i even worth this shirt? Looking at you like would you anoint? But fuck it ill probably disappoint youCause there is nothing i would not do to get a piece of that joint too. Because,what you be smoking Is thought provoking, and invoking that serious Notion that were all alone andStoned in some overgrownUnknown, overthrown Place of which we used to call home. But if i would have known my path, all these obstacles in my way, Then I would have became an osteopath. Twisting my skeleton To dodge, duck, and dip this infrastructurejust to rupture in this undefined culture of vultures. But enough of that kind of talk, When i try to mix these words together, All i hear is squawk, squawkThats what is in my mind Because when its inclined and combined I can reach for and bind what i find To assign to a piece of paper and remindUs all of what its like to be kind to one another.Discover what life is like under no blufferAnd try to realize you too can find a lover.A lover who may not be under the covers,But smothered, inside yourself. Look, i just dropped that bombshell So please take your mind from off that shelf Dust it off, put it in. good now does not that help? Sad Artist (what is my worth)",Depression +7714,"I am 20 doing undergraduate, yet I cannot seem to study at all..I keep saying I will start my assignment or something in 30 minutes, but the day passes and nothing. I end up forcing myself on the day if the deadline to get shit done..I spend my day playing video games, scrolling through reddit/YouTube or sleeping..I prefer to skip a meal if I have to get out of my bed or sofa, I feel too lazy to shower due to which I am showering once or twice a week... it is gotten to the point I sometimes brush my teeth in the afternoon or just forget to cuz i was too lazy to freshen up in the morning.Past couple years I used to be frustrated with myself, how i keep forgetting stuff, how i always procrastinate, how I cannot achieve any goals, how I am a disgrace to my family and usual stuff...but honestly now i do not feel that anymore so i guess I am over it..But then why am i living such a shitty life? Am i depressed or just a waste of human skin? Am i depressed or is it an excuse to be lazy?",Depression +7715,No one cares. No one is interested. My life is a joke. I feel like I have no one. What is the point? Done,Depression +7716,"life sucks. i do not have a car, a job i hate going to. i have anxiety every time i have to get a lyft to get there. i do not have credit and make no money to pay my share of the rent. i hate feeling like a financial burden. i dropped out of college because i cannot afford it. i have no hobbies and just feel like a waste of space. Just need somewhere to be sad.",Depression +7717,"I am a depressed and suicidal man. I am a victim of my own addictions which I was genetically predisposed to!I am going to end my life and read about the quote from Joseph Stalin. I found it edgy few years back.Now it makes so much sense. If I just kill myself, then my problems will go away.*I will not live whole life as a middle class wage employee**I will not face eye problems, skin cancer and teeth decay**I will not feel depressed and stupid all the time*Death can solve it. End of all the problems is death!It is a escape. Throughout history many intellectuals, philosophers, artists and even dictators have described death in their own way..For some people, it is a coward way's out.For some, it is the only way out! The quote ""no man, no problem"" makes so much sense now!",Suicidal +7718,do not know if this is relatable to anyone else but Freddie and effys relationship hits so much harder when you are also depressed and know that no one will ever understand/try to understand care and unconditionally love you as much as Freddie did for effy. Skins UK: freffy,Depression +7719,"I am stuck in loop of traumatic thinking. I normally think about suicide at least once a day, but its constant right now, it does not leave my mind for more than about 10 minutes. I am just constantly imagining killing myself in brutal, vivid detail. For instance, one of the thoughts that keeps popping up is that I want to shoot myself in the head and its like I can *feel* the cold steel of a gun against my head or on the roof of my mouth and my finger squeezing the trigger, even what it would feel like when the bullet pierces my skull. And that just one scenario. In others I slit my throat or my wrists or a whole myriad of other things.I cannot escape thinking about it and I feel like actually doing it would be less traumatic than the thoughts I am having. I do not want to fucking be here right now, I do not know why I am, I guess I am just too weak to do it right now. I wish I had a gun. I hate being alive, I do not want to live. I just do not have a reliable enough way to kill myself. I hate my brain, it insists on feeling like shit all the time and never getting better no matter what I try, now it wants to traumatise me so everythings even worse and it cannot even come up with a way to let me kill myself so I do not have to put up with this anymore. My own thoughts are traumatising me",Suicidal +7720,"I have been waiting for my death like looking forward to it , expecting death to happen today while traveling and wanted myself to fall from the vehicle . Is this a symptoms or it is just that I am sad now Am i suicidal person ?",Depression +7721,"Just want to know how are you doing lately, I am feeling like confused as hell because of my medication i think, but my depression is less visible even tho i feel it behind me and it is heavy as hell. Bipolar depression is very dangerous, just want to know if there is anybody who is bipolar and taking lithium like i do and how you feel about it. Curiosity you know. How r you doing lately?",Depression +7722,I do not feel depressed yet I have been diagnosed with it I just do not want to live and for some reason mental health professionals think being suicidal means your depressed which I am not I just do not see the point of me being here that is all not because I am sad or depressed I just do not see the point of life really. Misdiagnosed with depression,Suicidal +7723,"I have had larger amounts of stress happen compared to now, but it feels like I have only now caved from it. I left my job about two years ago to take care of my dad while I was in school. It was hell watching him get worse without being able to do anything. I still managed to stay on top of my grades and responsibilities. He passed months ago. Nothing seemed right after, but I had to carry out his will, handle his funeral, etc. so it kept me from just sitting with my thoughts. About a week later I found out my SO was cheating with his kids mom. My grades slipped that semester, but I got them back up and got a new job. Continued repeatedly dealing with shady behavior from SO and being promised change. My mom chose this period of time to behave like she had not in years, disappeared when she met a guy and does not really come around, and cancels when I have tried to come see her. My parents divorced when I was young, she was not close with my dad.These past few weeks I feel I have let myself go. I was struggling with my classes and have just stopped working on them, not even checking the grades. Letting my ex/not ex SO continue to be around despite asking them to let me heal and move on. they have been attentive and loving and stopped drinking but it does not feel the same anymore. I do not think its fair to them because I do not have hope that were going to last and I do not know that I even feel sad about that after giving so many chances. Its not healthy for either of us when there is no trust. I procrastinate all responsibilities, and do not really see myself with a good future anymore, just getting through each day. I feel the panic of how bad I am messing up but will not do anything to start fixing it. I have just mentally checked out from everything aside from my job. I am not sure I want to see a doctor because I fear they will just send me on a journey of different medications to try. Even small tasks like calling a doctor seem strenuous. I do not want to talk to anyone I know about this because I know every person is dealing with their own problems, and cannot really help with mine anyway. Just needed to get this off my chest. Stuck",Depression +7724,"In 2016, after living by myself, I had to come back to my parents place. I was pretty miserable because my return was the result of several disappointments and failures in a row.The 2 following years were pretty dark, I did not know what to do with myself and a childhood friend that was very dear to me kind of betrayed me and it totally broke my heart.In 2019, I finally found a job that was perfect for me. I knew the place, my boss was very understanding (regarding my shyness, anxiety etc), I was good at it, I got my first salary and the first car etc : Things were getting much better.I did not move out because I was working part time, meaning I was not earning much, and I chose to prioritise spending my little savings into a car rather than an apartment. Then my contract ended and I have been looking for a job since last January. I have been applying to jobs all over the country and oversea, super confident, but I barely get any feedback and when I do, we proceed to have an interview but then I do not hear back from anyone.I was okay with living at home because my mom and brother were still there but she divorced him (which I am happy about, my dad has been sucking the joy out of us and belittling us our entire lives), and my brother left too, so now I am stuck with my dad I cannot even look in the eyes, and broke. I was supposed to live with my mom but her new boyfriend moved in instead. That hurt too but I want to let her live her life with him, she deserves it after years of submission to my dad.I know I could try to apply to a different job that is hiring more in the meantime, but as I mentionned, I am very discreet, anxious, shy, but also clumsy, distracted, and I am pretty sure that I would be a burden and suck at anything that is not of my qualifications. I do not feel capable of doing anything I do not know alreadyIm very alone. I got a couple friends and I am thankful for them but my social life is far from being exciting and my love life is simply inexistant. I was relatively fine with it because frankly relationships scare me, so I was kind of at peace with it, but considering my current situation, that lack of love is adding to my list of what is making me feel worthless. Someone that could make my heart feel a bit lighter would not harm right now.If you read it that far : Sorry, that was a lot of self pity. I needed to get that off my chest.I know I am most likely not dealing with things in the best way possible and could certainly do more, please do not come at me too hard for it :) I am trying I feel trapped and defeated",Depression +7725,"I am too scared to tell my manager but he wants to see me for a support session. I cannot bring myself to go back there, even when i quit I will have to return my work phone and such too. I am so anxious over it I want to run away or cease to exist. I really need help How do I tell my job I need to quit because of mental health?",Depression +7726,"I just needed to write it down somewhere,thank you for destroying me and at the same time pushing me on my way.Life was not for me.Sorry for being the because of your problems.Sorry I was not good enough.Sorry I could not make you proud.To all the men who took advantage of my naivety, I hope you are doing well today, except for you Nick.Anyway, farewell to my shit. Tonight I would die testing drugs and drinking my own blood.To all my fake friends, thank you for proving to me that I do not deserve any attention.Translated with (free version) i end suffering tonight",Suicidal +7727,"I am deleting reddit. I am going to try and make sure I put my younger sibling in a better environment than what I had before I kill myself. I gave myself the span of two months to get everything ready , along with my letters and such to kill myself before the 15th of September. If I am back after the 15th, well I failed , if my account goes silent or gets deleted, than I am finally content, I am finally gone. Thank you all , this is most definitely my favorite sub and I had alot of bittersweet times here whilst interacting with you all. Goodbye everyone , and thank you.",Suicidal +7728,"It has been 7 years since my brother died by suicide and honestly, life has never been the same but not better. He killed himself using a gun owned by my father and left a suicide note written in japanese ( he self-studied the language). We never saw the whole note since it was surrendered together with the gun to the police and my parents never wanted to read it. After his death, they burned all of his things (laptop, books, etc.) and never talked about the reason of his death ever again. There was always a time once a year when my curiosity got the better of me (I asked them if they could get a copy of it or if the police can translate it for us) and it always ended with disastrous fights with me against my parents. I always feel like I will never have my peace of mind if I will not be able to read about the letter.In the end, I always feel like the note could be some sort of closure for our family.Today, I feel like I just want to follow my brothers footsteps. My parents became more emotionally absent. They always feel like they are right and their ideas must always be followed. I also just feel like a burden to this family. I do not even see myself alive after 5 years. I just want to die. My brother died by suicide",Depression +7729,"You hear a lot of teens claiming that they are depressed and when you ask them why, they say it is just life. that is the same person who got nothing to worry about, financially secured, loving parents, spoiled and bright future ahead. I am a 17 year old going through the worst of hell. My father cheated on my mom. He always wanted more. He promised he would pay for my education, he can barely pay my 50$ monthly allowance. While the kids around me are holding IPhones, sipping on Starbucks daily, depressed because their favorite musician produced a sad song. My mom always expected more from me. she is a manipulative bitch. She is Satan's daughter. she is always hated me for no reason. I admit I am a mess, I do not tidy up stuff, I am not that smart, I am not as smart as her firstborn, but I try. I do try my level best, but she does not see it. I scored 7A's and a B in my middle school final year exams, and she said it was a fluke. They did the papers too easy or something like that she meant. Whenever I try to be close with my own mother, she does not see me. She will be on her phone scrolling through Facebook when I try to talk something important to her. She recently told me if I do not do good in my final year exams, she is not going to pay for my college. Her perception of good is straight A's. Online classes are not doing any good for me. She does not care about my mental health or anything. She thinks of it as a simple matter that you can get over it. Basically, she will disown me if I do not do well. Do you see the type of mother I have? She highly praises her firstborn but she does not see anything in me. I helped her a lot with with her work, but I have never heard a thank you before. But I do not know why I still keep doing it. I show that I am okay when I am fucked up in my mind. I have an elder brother, who emotionally abuses me. He reminds me that I am fat and stupid everyday. I do not know if it is his way of showing affection or not. I am not claiming that I have the worst situation of all. There are some people having far more worst than me. I admire those who stick around when it was hell for them.I am sitting here, wondering if it is all really worth fighting for. I might as well live in the afterworld. I so badly want to kill myself. I do not know what is stopping me from doing it. Do I have anyone? No. Some people say that I will meet someone great in the future. What if I do wait, and she does not show up? Am I going to die waiting? I might as well die now when I have no one. At least I am not a burden for my mother if I die. Maybe then she will finally be happy. If you want to tell me that things will be better, do not. do not waste your time, it will never be okay. Depression",Suicidal +7730,Today is finally the day Today!,Suicidal +7731,"I have been postinf here lately. Idk, I think I am just trying to release some pressure. I think I am starting to enjoy getting ghosted. I grew up with zero friends, no friends at all. I felt sad about it for several years... but I feel like this no more. Getting hookups on tinder, making temporary friends, casual chat with other Xbox players and never talking with them again. I think I stopped GAFOS. Yes, it is good to exchange some messages and stuff, but I just do not care about other people's feelings anymore. I became a cynical person. My depression got worse over time and now I am do not care about what I say, what I do. Not trying to be edgy, trust me. But I think I got to a point where I am dead inside and I do not care if people see it anymore. I have two friends (I met both of them here. Good people, I hope we can still talk, love ya), but I simply do not care about others. I feel no empathy, no remorse, nothing. I know, I should seek help and blah, blah, blah. But the world is just... I fought for my life many years. Tried to seek help, went to therapy, that kind of stuff. But I just cannot see any hope. I go outside and I feel sick. People is just so selfish, ignorant and not a single one of them gives a fuck about others.I worked as a paramedic for a couple of years, donated to charities, tried to be a good person. But the world took me down. I do not know, I think this might be it. This is my life from now on. Not feeling anything. Enjoying my loneliness and feeling empty at the same time. This is it. This is it... I do not know if I am starting to enjoy getting ghosted or just getting used to it. Becoming a cynical person pt.1",Depression +7732,"I have decided I am finally going through with it. I do not want to keep living and nothing is worth living. Ik my mother will be upset but with how I feel and the things she has done through my life, I cannot find it in me to care anymore. I have one friend or had one friend, I have convinced myself they do not actually like me at all and only talk to me because they idk pity me maybe, or feel like they are required to check up on me. So I doubt Ill hurt them by leaving, they will prob be better off if I left anyways. All I need now is to work up the courage to finally end it, which I am having a hard time with, I am scared of the pain, but I think some pain is worth never feeling again. Idk when to do it, but before next year for sure. Hopefully in a week or so I am doing it",Suicidal +7733,"i want to kill myself i already know how i just want to know where is the best place , i do not want the person to find me to be family nor friends so where do i do it ? where is the best place to do it , i do not want to do it in my house",Suicidal +7734,"So I was listening to Island Song from Adventure Time while I was sad, and it got me happy just by listening to it. Then I thought:""This song helped me when i was sad, why not create a playlist with the same energy?""From people who became happy because of a song, to people that are sad right now.Maybe it sounds dumb, but the impact music has in our lifes is incredible, so, if you want to contribute, here is [the link]( :3If this post violates ANY of the subreddit rules, please contact me and I will edit/delete it. I want to help people, not because trouble xD Help me create a playlist",Depression +7735,Ugh this probably not the right place for this. But I have a friend who keeps asking me for money every single time. Yesterday this person texts me asking if they can stay at my house for a few days. My place is way too small so I told them no. Today I get asked to send 50$ dollars to them I told them my account is negative but I unfortunately am way to nice I told them I can give them 30 I went into my savings I barely have any savings at this point. Last week same issue asking me for money twice this is annoying. I understand that my friend is going through hard times but its too much like then I end up feeling bad if I tell them no. I want to end all ties with this person but I do not know I just feel horrible right now. What should I do Friend keeps asking for money,Depression +7736,"I do not tend to talk to my mother about my mental health because we have not been too close over the years. we have only recently begun to have a relationship again after a falling out. She knows about my PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc because it is all rooted in the things I experienced because of her or other family members. During a recent interaction, she said she could sense I was going through a tough time and that it must be because I have never prayed to Jesus properly to take it all away. It felt so insulting because as the neglect, abuse, and pain I experienced as a child were happening I prayed my heart out through tears only for nothing to happen. I really am in a dark place at the moment and being told that it is my fault for not being good enough for her God has just been so disheartening. My mother told me that the reason I have trauma is because I have not spoken to Jesus properly.",Depression +7737,"Mainly saying that statement in regards to people like parents and other loved ones who are supposed to care more than anyone else does and who all too frequently cares less than anyone else does (that is how it was for me at least). If people are not truly caring about how you feel, and most people in the world truly do not care about anyone but themselves, find somewhere else you can open up at and consider helping others to do the same. Opening up on the internet is the only thing that helps me to feel better, opening up to friends and family never helped me out at all. I am alone but people on the internet have been helping me to feel less alone and I appreciate that a lot. I cut myself a lot and I am not embarrassed about it or ashamed of it. It helps me to feel less suicidal, and its the only thing that does that for me. I leave my cuts and scars out in the open for all to see. I do not hide it anymore. I want to traumatize everyone with the realization of how much they truly do not care. Most people are basically just happy to watch people they act like they care about suffer and die and I want them all to remember that the rest of their lives. Not all people are like this, but most are. Maybe after they realize how much they truly do not care at all they will learn how to actually care for once and try to save someone is life. Maybe people would not get so desperately suicidal if people actually cared more...",Suicidal +7738,"I have nothing anymore. I am homeless, I quit my job, no friends, and I did not get into university.I do not know what to do anymore and everyday is suffering. I have no motivation for anything anymore.I know I have personally caused this in my life and it hurts more. I lost everything",Suicidal +7739,"Idk if it is placebo or really happening but i genuinely feel a bit better, id like if anyone shares a similar experience. Took a Vitamin C ampule and feeling better",Depression +7740,"I have been trying to hold out on suicide for 4 years now, and last night, I remembered something horrible I did and broke down and lost it. The thought of it scars me and the people I hurt do not believe me when I genuinely say I am sorry either. Piled with the suicidal thoughts I have daily and family conflict was just too much.The only reason I am still here is because of my family and the friends who have not ghosted me out of concern for them. They cried begging me not to go and just hearing them like that is the only reason I have not tried again yet, they do not know how much it hurts hearing them say that.I really do not think it will get better and wished I was never born so everyone could be so much happier. I do not understand how people feel I deserve life when all I am is a waste of time and resources. I wish I never existed",Depression +7741,"I am currently under three meds: Lithium, paroxetine and lamotrigine for a couple years now and fairly recently, I have been having problems when articulating spoken words and speaking long sentences; I talk and suddenly I get stuck mid sentence and need to wait a couple lseconds to keep talking as if my brain needed to catch up and I have been stuttering and mispronouncing words more often than it would be considered normal. Have you experienced something similar with antidepressants/mood. Regulators? This is becoming really annoying and it makes yet another reason to be fucking depressed. Thanks for your input in advance Issues derived from medication",Depression +7742,"it is nice to know we are not alone here, it still feels lonely though. I hope everybody is coping ok Only broken people understand broken people",Suicidal +7743,"Hii dear Redditors! I am feeling happy and good after a long time!!! I wish I stay like this, I just cannot describe this feeling...I am alone but for the first time I am enjoying my lonliness...ah I just cannot describe. I know this feeling may fade away soon but still till then let me cherish this. Hope those who are struggling with their own battle soon overcome, you are not alone :)) Feeling Happy!!",Depression +7744,"I so desperately want this to be over. I despise every last thing about myself. I am 30, and I have never experienced any kind romantic or sexual intimacy, because I am an ugly gay man and completely inept when it comes to dating (I have no experience). I have been so poor that I cannot feed myself. My career as a professional musician has gone down the tubes because of the pandemic, and I am stuck with a new job that gives me intense anxiety and amplifies my self-hatred. Nobody in my life has any idea it has gotten this bad, and I do not want to reach out to friends or family, because I am sick of the well-intentioned responses that make me feel to blame, or worse about myself.While I do blame myself for quite a lot, I do not blame myself for wanting to die. This world really fucking sucks. I have no hope for society in general - late-stage capitalism and climate change are the terminal cancer of humanity, and I am sure that it is people like me that are going to suffer the worst deaths.I cannot say I have not tried to get better. I have had aloof unsympathetic therapists over the years who have prescribed me medicine I end up not being able to afford. But I still tried. Yesterday, I called down a list 20 therapists covered by my insurance the other day to see if they were accepting new patients and not one of them called me back. I guess I just really do not believe anyone is really equipped, capable, or willing to help me out of this.The obstacles keeping me from killing myself are insurmountable, like knowing the effect it would have on my family, my cat, and the lack of a riskless/painless method. So for now, I guess I am just stuck in this unbearable existence. Being able to kill myself is just as ludicrous of a goal as me finding any level of real or sustainable happiness. I do not know what to do with that other than writhe in agony until my natural time comes. Hell is real, and I am here. the definition of hell",Suicidal +7745,"I cried for the first time in years, the summer class i depended on told me i was not eligible and i could not follow the course anymore after two weeks of learning i enjoyed. My school functions on a modular system which is extremely flawed towards students with undiagnosed ADHD and little autonomy. I love learning but my school does not have teachers, we have modules, 60-130 pages of self-learning. This system where students advance at their own pace is a nightmare for people with un medicated ADHD like me. In part to why i loved my summer class so much was because the teacher would talk to you and guide you through the subject. I wish i had changed schools earlier in my highschool career, its too late for all that. Being a maximum one year behind was my goal and i would have reached it if i had finished 8th grade science when i was 14. In 9th grade they removed my science and social studies subjects to focus on the more ""important"" ones, same for 10th grade. Why would they do this if you need them to graduate? I have planned suicide this whole year, delaying it with the thought that if i finish this summer class i will only have to do two years in one. My second option now gone, I have never been closer to sneaking out and jumping off an abandoned parking lot nearby. I have hit a dead end. I will not graduate and I will not go to college. i will be 16 doing 8th grade science. putting me 3 years behind.",Suicidal +7746,I had a belt tight around my neck twice last night and seemed really motivated to kill myself. I must have punched myself in the head 15 times last night. Thankfully I did not go through with it but it really feels like just a matter of time. My wife and I drink and smoke weed every night and during the day on weekends. Admittedly we are very functional addicts but mentally it is really taking a toll on me. I cannot seem to communicate with her about this though as she gets really upset when I bring up a desire to stop. We often go through stages where we fight all the time and then go long stretches where its all good. I hate myself so much for what I have become and yet I cannot seem to find the motivation to actually make a change for myself. Instead just wishing it changes on its own. Even killing myself I often wish it would just happen like getting hit by a car or something. How awful is that? I am so lazy and lately I cannot even look at myself in the mirror anymore. We have a beautiful daughter who is growing and developing incredibly well so far and I hate the idea of her not knowing her father. At the same time I hate to think of her knowing her parents as scum. Maybe if I kill myself it will shock my wife into cleaning up and then our daughter can thrive with a sober parent. At the same time maybe that is just me trying to rationalize a selfish act so I do not feel as bad. I keep wishing I was a better person and yet never taking any action. I am the only one that can make a change. It does not just happen but I am too lazy and pathetic to actually do anything. Someday it will happen and the thoughts will stop. I am just looking to get this off of my chest - please disregard,Suicidal +7747,"My dream is to live on a farm. Maybe not a whole farm, but I want a cute little cottage big enough for two cats, a dog or two, some chickens, and a garden. To live in a small town, preferably where family values are still alive. Id love to have someone to love and cherish, and wed have a kid or two one day. My husband would be really nice to me and not make fun of me or compare me to other girls and make me feel like a failure for being born. I want to be known as that cute, polite, mysterious farm girl instead of a depressed, anxious orphan. To finally have someone I can tell my story to and they would hug me and comfort me and tell me its going to be okay, instead of just saying that is rough. Id love to have a small job on the side and spend the rest at home taking care of the household. I do not hold much value to myself anymore, I only continue to live for other peoples sake anyway. that is my dream. Maybe one day Ill get to it. I am not so hopeful though. The life i dream of",Suicidal +7748,"I have two days off work. I am mentally exhausted from work but not working I just feel like I stagnate. I have no friends my spouse and child are tired of me. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I have just been sitting here in front of my work computer, waiting, I am unsure for what. I am not going to be called in, I worry daily I am going to be fired because no one likes me on my team. I do not enjoy anything. I feel like I am just being shuffled from day to day with no meaning to my life. My life will never matter... I will never matter... how can things get better when I am the issue? I have 48 hours to ponder these thoughts before work. Idk why I even take days off all I have time to do is think. Days Off",Depression +7749,I am (16F) and for the past year and so have been struggling with depression and low self esteem. Evert opportunity I get to improve myself I blow it off and make up excuses. I am tried because I want to be better and do better but its like I am unable to or scared. Idk how to get out of this and I am just really tired of it. Does anyone have ways to get out of this ? Excuses,Depression +7750,i know I am an attention whore no one cares about me here,Suicidal +7751,"every little thing shows me no one needs me. not my teammates from the game i play and suddenly I am stupid at, not my parents.. i wish someone would miss me after we fought or after not talking for months. i want to feel needed. i wish someone would need me",Suicidal +7752,"F*cking demons They call me lazy, while I am here holding myself not to kill myself",Suicidal +7753,I bought an expensive gym membership for me and my mom. They have a jacuzzi and large swimming pool. She will promise to go with me but whenever that day comes she always says she is tired...every single time. I think before the pandemic we have only been to the gym twice together altogether out of my 3 year membership. She will not go with me. I wish I had someone to go with but I do not :/. I have 0 friends. Guess I will go by myself. Going by myself is so awful. I see everyone else with their friend/partner and me... all alone.. I have went to the movies by myself too because she did not want to go. Someone even asked me in the movie theater what is a young girl (I am 21) like me doing alone :/ Wish I had someone to do things with :/,Depression +7754,I am staying in my small town I am to stupid to live in a big city. il have a job here + disability. i do not care anymore i must except my fate at this point. i was born with the wrong genes. it was meant to be like this.. I am moving to online school i think after I am done with school il have litterly no way of making friends. (i know no one care),Suicidal +7755,"I am thinking about trying again in 5 days or so, uni is going to come back during COVID so I have until then to die. I am thinking of a bunch of stuff I want to do before then It looks like I have put out suicide for now, I tried but I only managed to go through with half my plan.",Suicidal +7756,"Have the rope and chair ready, I will wait until the early AM of next day if anyone wants to ask about something or discuss something. Other than that, it is a goodbye. Here we are",Suicidal +7757,TRIGGER WARNING ..........I was violently raped in 2015 and I still have flashbacks. This is one factor in my decision to commit suicide. I am in therapy but I just do not think I can get over it and I think this is why I cannot make friends because it was basically date rape. And the fact that it was date rape fucks me up too. It feels like it was less of a rape because the judge claims that because I willingly went to the guys house (after meeting him twice at restaurants) that it was not considered rape. I am just feeling especially bad today. :( Kill myself because of being raped?,Suicidal +7758,"I could finally die without having to leave my family with the fact that I killed myself. Even if it was three, five years in the future Id be so grateful knowing I had a guaranteed expiration date and did not have to stay here indefinitely. I know I have said this before but getting a terminal illness would be the best thing that could happen to me",Depression +7759,"I am so done with being assaulted, lied to, raped, robbed, etc then I have no reputation. I love other people but they hurt me:Nobody ever really loves me Fuck it",Suicidal +7760,"My names Joey. Ever since about 4th grade I have had anxiety because my teacher was a total prick and he would yell at the class and be mentally abusive as fuck to us. So not sure if that is part of my trauma. ik I am not as strong as some people but that def added to part of my trauma.. anyways i developed a social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder which hindered my ability to make friends, so i had like 3 friends max.. i only talked to them sometimes too, not even close friends because of my anxiety and lack of motivation. i would spend all day playing on my laptop when i was a bit younger because it was an escape for me. I could just avoid my life and play video games all day because my parents are lenient. I started developing a depressive disorder, probably because i also started smoking weed about a gram a day of some strong dispensary weed for about 3/4 of a year. My brain was fucked i could not think at all, could not concentrate on anything for more than like a minute, hell i could not even concentrate or remember like anything from like the past day or two.. I was contemplating just starving myself to death because i did not know what the fuck to do but i realized that there is other ways.. not at the time.. but now.. i got a nurse practitioner who gave me Citalopram(antidepressant ssri), and recommended counselling and i accepted the counselling at the time. I declined later on when i got a phone call from the receptonist to make a counselling appointment or whatever, because i thought i was feel better, and i was. the side effects sucked. no sex drive really and insomnia. then i started smoking about a gram a day again which in about 5 days i went into a psychosis and got extremely anxious, agitated, panicky, and even yelled at my parents and told my mom to fuck off because she thought it was just anxiety and i knew it was not. Anyways she was broken inside because of her anxiety disorder and she could not handle it. I am out of psychosis now and looking into antidepressants again with something to help me sleep. I think it was the weed combo that did that sorry for wasting your time if you r reading this ik its a lot of writing. here is my story (15M)",Depression +7761,"Hi, I always wanted to talk here but never did. I have depression since age of 10, I am 18 years old. I lost a huge amount of my memory power, like if I have dementia, it is the most annoying shit. Because of that, my brain decided to go full on stupid since 6th grade. The funny part is that i get reminded of that a lot, in school for instance, people know I have autism (asperger) and they ALWAYS expect me to be some kind of genius and then get disappointed right in front of me (one big reason why I hate human beings). I also lost all the human fear of death, like, in 2017 i got threatened with a knife by the bully I beated the day before. He came from behind me (that is what sh-) with a sharpened knife touching me while saying he would kill me, and I said that he should do it fast then because if i got that knife I was going to pull his guts out with it. And he just ran away and hid from me everyday in school. So anyway, that is it, I will go listen to Soundgarden, Joy Division and Misfits all day, like always. Bye Fear of the D(eath)ark.",Depression +7762,"I hate life, o really do, whatever i try i every time end up doing the wrong thing...I want to end my life, i have thoughts of this every single day but I am a chicken and I am afraid of physical pain...I am sure I will end up having cancer like my father in his last year of life, while he also wanted to jump out of the window in the hospital and all my father's family side gave the fault on me. 2 years latery my grandfather had the same fate, it is been 6 years since then, i was just a stupid 17 years old guy, my entire school life was a nightmare, bullying and no real friends. For 7 years I have been suffering from nightmares that are recurring every single day, I have engaged on a relationship when I was 19 and i got sexually harassed and forced into sex. I then realized that I liked guys more and been in a relationship for 5 month with a guy I met online and left me after me having a couple of breakdown... All of my projects failed and I now have no money to help my family and I have broke every single friendship that I had so far.The funny thing? This is only a sumI've tried, i really did with my psychiatrist but every single event in my horrible life ended up being a disaster, i have no hope for the future other than dying in my sleepI... do not know what to do anymore... I will gladly gave my years left in this world to whoever wants it.I am exhausted it is all my fault",Suicidal +7763,"I feel like my subconscious is planning my murder and there is nothing I can do about it. I know its mind over matter and I am suppose to be stronger than this, I am suppose to fight it but I truly feel like I cannot do it anymore. Ill be home alone all day on Friday and I hope I just sleep all day because the thought of anything else scares me so much right now. Friday",Suicidal +7764,"I think it is time to end my life. I only have a post-secondary school, no job. They will not accept me anywhere. They are not responding to my job applications. I have been looking for a job for three years. With no effect. there is no way I can find anything. I do not have any future. I do not have any future",Depression +7765,"Hey I am new to this forum so I may be asking redundant questions. I have been through the exhaustive list of various antidepressants, talk therapy, acupuncture, etc and am investigating more alternatives. I am scheduled to start a course of 36 TMS treatments and I am hopeful but I have been hopeful before. Does anyone have any experience with medical marijuana for depression? Or resources/studies/literature?Thanks much. Treatments you have tried? TMS? Medical marijuana?",Depression +7766,"I held a cocked .410 shotgun to my head, I was scared of the pain. So I un cocked it and unloaded it. Last night. I almost took my own life.",Suicidal +7767,I think I hide my depression too well to the point where my own therapist thinks I am not. I never talk about how I really feel because I just do not have the guts to tell anyone in depth. Posting here is kind of my last resort I am not really sure what to do. Or I know what to do I just do not know how to get myself to do it. I hide my depression too well and my therapist thinks I am okay,Depression +7768,"My therapist convinced me to get rid of my last one a couple months ago. Fool me once but not again. Its going to be a relief to have my rope again for when the time seems appropriate to follow through with my plan. Rewriting my notes again soon too. Made sure they are genuine, heartfelt, and apologetic in my drafts. Ordered another rope",Suicidal +7769,"I am going through a tough mental week and I feel like I would be the person who ""randomly"" commits suicide. I seem happy af when I talk to friends but deep down I feel like I am dying and no one really knows or fully understands how deep it goes. Just needed to get my thoughts out of my head so thank you if you read it and I am sorry for anyone who feels the same way as I do. Horrible intrusive thoughts/a need to vent",Depression +7770,"Remember that all we have is 'on loan' from Fortune, which can reclaim it without our permission - indeed, without even advance notice. Thus, we should love all our dear ones, but always with the thought that we have no promise that we may keep them forever - nay, no promise even that we may keep them for long. ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca (Cannot find the source)The most sobering thought is losing what we care about. Would we be able to move on, survive and flourish without our loved ones, whether they have passed on or we have? Some of us, I think. I can say that I have experienced enough of loss to understand that life goes on with or without me, and I can say that I would feel a pang of sadness whensoever their memory comes to mind. But I feel I would do this survival thing just as well if not better after that loss.I would not sully their memory by grieving them for the rest of mine. I would remember them by being better than they remember, so that, should we reunite wherever the universe decides we do, they would enjoy seeing me again, and sharing in my joys instead of my sorrows. I would like to imagine that this is how the old peoples did it.Bare with me, I have a silly idea that maybe, when the Norse, Greeks, Egyptians, Celtics and more, spoke about the idea of death, and what it was to live life after (because surely they did), they sat around their grand tables, talking of stories they heard as children, told to them by their parents, who were in turn told by their parents, and so on until the first story was made up in an answer to the age old question no one can answer. What happens after death? On a side note, I like to think the first story ever came to existence because a a child had asked this in front of the elder of the tribe, who had made his living from leading the tribe that trusted him. This elder never would have led his people wrong, and they would have led a happy, content life. This elder would be the one the whole tribe went to for advice. So of course, he did not want to let the child down. So he told a story. Something from his dreams that were impossible. And he took bits from others dreams and weaved a world after death.And people believed it. Because the elder never lied to them. The elder always led them in the right direction. The elder had lived the longest so the elder knew more than they they. The elder experienced the most out of them all. The elder would know. So they added to his story on death, and made up the gods, and the fantastical dragons, and other beasts of lore. They made up their magics and prophecies. All chasing after their own form of heaven after death, while others would forever be stuck in a hell of their own making. So that is how we got these gods and myths and legends. And that is why stories are so powerful, especially for a child's imagination. The fortunate child who does not fully understand the idea of loss and death, and is fueled on bedtime tales. Until they experience it, of course. And then they have to rely on what is told to them by the elders they know, and they carry that with them. And so it creates a ripple effect, their idea of after life pervading into all that they say and do. And that is how they cope with losing loved ones. They tell themselves over and over again, they are in Odin's hall, or at Arthur's table, drinking their mead and telling their tales of glory. Being happy. So if, after you die, you go to join them at the table, and they want to hear your tales of glory, would you tell sad stories about how you have missed them, and how your life fell apart after they left you, and you got worse and all these bad things happened? Would you tell you them that you have lived poorly because they were your only reason for being happy? Or would you tell tall tales of how you fought the bad dragons of the world just to make it a better place for their children, for their loved ones, and for yours. Would you tell them that they inspired you to new heights. You did they things they did not get to, and you can tell them what it is like. To do the former is to blame them for their death, and how hurtful is that to someone you loved? To tell them that their death, their inescapable cycle of life, made their loved ones lives in this already inescapable hell we live in, worse.But to do the latter is to truly put them at rest, at peace. knowing that their loved ones have thrived without them, have lived and have known a great amount of joy after the universe has given you your time. That they have made the world better, have made life more fun to live. Or at the least, have a good story to tell. To bring it back, I want to dissect what I feel is the most important part of Seneca's statement, that we should love all our dear ones. We do not know when we will lose them, although if you are losing them because of your actions, you should be well aware of those consequences. So while we share our lives and experiences with them, we should show our love for them. We should share our joys, and try to be better for their sake, if not our own.After all, No one wants to sit at a table and share drugs with the inconsiderate, deceitful, abusive, prideful, greedy, and murderous. I do not think I need to explain why. Live life Loving, and you will love after life",Depression +7771,"""As a product of modern dystopian society I have become extremely socially awkward and unable to communicate with other human beings which has let me to fall into alchoholism and further financial unstability and depression and made me wonder about the meaning of my existence. So no, mom. I did not get a girlfriend, and quite honestly, I am doubting I ever will "" My mom asked me if i have a girlfriend",Depression +7772,"Hi everyone,Recently I have been feeling really bad again. I am trying to keep going but its so hard. I have this strange feeling, I just feel really low and anxious all the time. I feel awful, and I cannot stop thinking about all sorts of bad things that upset me or scare me. I do not know what I am supposed to do. Id probably drink but I have run out of alcohol and I do not want to leave home to get more. I do not know what to say to people about it without just worrying them. I just need to do something, to say something. I need to make this stop but I do not know what to do. Not doing good",Suicidal +7773,Hey guys I am new here so I really do not know what I should talk about. I am 19 years old and I am suicidal. Every night I try to kill myself but end up failing badly that which frustrates me. Yesterday was the day that it finally dawned upon me that I wanted to end it all. I have never had anyone to get me through this except for myself and my bipolar disorder. Not even my family try or reach out to me so I am hoping to get good advice here on Reddit. Well mainly because it is my Dad causing these suicidal tendencies. I cannot even do the things I love anymore. I cannot even enjoy one of my games properly because of these thoughts of feeling utterly useless. I hope this reaches out the people that can help me. Because I truly am suffering. 19 years Old Suicidal,Suicidal +7774,"there is something i need to get off of my chestTo be honest I am impressed and with all do respect, i contest that I am not depressed.I have never been impressed when writing thingsAnd possessed to inevitably suppress all the addressed that is molested my headAllowing me to feel just a little more dead.Inside, i climb To try and reach my mindThe sublime chime of a cheap rhyme ill apply and provide to my aching and breaking blind mindIn an attempt to cover up the pain.But it never works it sticks to me like my name.It feels like i can never get away.I am tired of being here. its been establishedIts crystal clear that there is an imbalance taking place right in between my ears.But it feels so much more, so much unexplored.Is it wrong to hope tomorrow ill not wake up, left to explore the whore that is death on my cold concrete floor? Unhappy, Unsatisfied. And completely dead inside.",Depression +7775,If someone were to stab me or if got hit by a truck right now ill thank that person for saving me to this despair. I am planning to stab myself soon. I cannot see any future for myself anymore. I cannot bear to live another day. These thoughts is drowning me every single day. I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +7776,"I plan to die around the end of November, I know what date I am going to do it and I have some ideas on how I am going to die. I chose November because my big important essay is due, and I do not want to waste my effort from writing the first and second drafts. Another reason is because I was suppose to die on the same day a few years ago but I had to go somewhere.I have been feeling like shit for years, especially this summer. My old therapist ( last meeting was 3 years ago, 9th grade, first suicide attempt ) gave me meds that did not even work ( 50mg and only 8 tablets, and its fucking expensive ) and his last advice was to ""have fun"". Yeah thanks a lot. I have been coping in a really bad way, but I do not know if I am ready to give it up.School-wise I am doing fine, but my parents are hell-bent on making me go to college in my home country ( because the school gave me the wrong term 3 results ) and I do not want to go there because of its conservative laws and I have views that can get me killed or shunned, a shit ton of victim-blaming and overall I just want to go far away from my parents because they treat me like I am 5. My mom insists that I stay at home and go to online-school when I am in college, and it made everything worse. I said to myself ""I would rather kill myself than be with them"" I do not know what major I want to be in, I just want to move out. I do not know why, but this subreddit makes me feel safe for telling all of this. I do not know where to get better advice. I lost my reason to live, I do not know what to do.I will do an update if I am alive by then. I want to end it all",Suicidal +7777,"I am posting this all over Reddit! Today marks 7 years sober from alcohol! it is still a really big struggle for me. The majority of my dreams have to do with alcohol. I miss it everyday. But I remain sober for my mom, who has always supported me no matter how difficult my mental illness journey has been. So today we celebrate. Wish me luck! <3 7 years sober from alcohol today :)",Depression +7778,"there is been a steady decline in my concern towards other people for several months and it is still getting worse. Before all this, I cared about everything and everyone. I guess it was too much. Now all I want is to be alone. To not see anyone. But unfortunately I can never have a few days to myself. it is simply not an option right now. And the more I have to interact with people the more frustrated I get and the less I care. Anyone know what this is? I care less and less every day",Depression +7779,"I want to make some things clear first. English is not my native language (I am not from English-speaking country) so I apologise if you find harsh mistakes in my post or if I mention something inappropriate for this particular community or in general (if it is something really important please let me know and I will fix it). Also, my username was suggested by Reddit.As it says in the title, I am a 21 years old male. I have been living with my grandparents basically since I was born. The desicion that I would live with them instead of my mother was obviously made when I was not really conscious about it. I still have my mother but I do not want to live with her and she does not express a will for that either, not that I would take this offer. I do not even want to talk with this person.With these things said, I am moving to the problems I have. Now I will mention the ones that, while still affecting me in a negative matter, I do not see as primary but rather as secondary. Saying that I mean that I can live with them or even try to deal with them in my future by myself. They are here just for a bigger picture, not much else.1. I 100% have extreme social anxiety. This is why I was not able to continue my study in university. Well, not only this, actually, but also because it was not free and also I did not see any perspectives with my anxiety working a job that would require any social interaction, which means any job outside of the Internet. I found a way around it, so this is dealt with. I just have to study for it and I should have some possible income in future working online.2. I have zero friends. Like, absolutely no one, even online. It makes things harder, but I learned to accept it, and now I think I do not even need them. But that is why I am writing my problems here.3. I do not think a therapist will help me. As I continue, I think you will understand why I think like that.And moving on, here is the primary problem I would like to receive an advice on:I am afraid that I HAVE to live with my grandparents for the rest of THEIR lives. I am the only person living with them right now, and all the people from my family have their own little 'families'. The reason because I think they would not be able to normally live on on their own is because of their problems. My grandfather drinks alcohol every month for 1-2 weeks straight and of course this causes stress for the whole family (but no one is able to fix it), mostly for my grandmother. She has a form of cancer, having which life can be sustained mostly without the need of hospitalisation, though she still needs to be in a hospital every 3-4 weeks for a week. You could notice the similarity between times when my grandfather drinks and my grandmother goes to hospital, but I have to tell you these facts do not have much to do with each other, he was drinking all the time before my grandmother was revealed to have cancer anyways. Well, hearing all that, I do not seem to be a good person, right? Like, being raised by my grandparents and not wanting to express some gratitude? Yes, and I do not feel like I am a good person either. I do not want to blame everything on the others, my fault is also big here.I did not have a bad childhood. Neither a good one. I do not remember much of it, even being only three years out of it. But there is not a single good thing I remember from it, only bad and embarassing things. My grandparents did not make a normal attempt at trying to raise me, I feel like I was raised by myself. Just providing me with food and roof until I magically become an adult. And I did not ask them for anything either, I did not even have a smartphone before I entered university when it became a nessecity. Graduating from school, I thought I would kill myself, but I did not. It was more than a thought and a little less than an attempt. did not have the bravery. Thinking back on that, it was pretty comforting, not trying to improve anything in your life, thinking you would be dead anyways when life strikes you with the need to become a socially acceptable person.Yes, I am an egoist. I want to live by myself, for myself, alone. In a crappy apartment, with no real life contacts, working online and only going outside to buy food. I would even be fine if I had to give 50% of my income to my family if the other 50% can pay me for rent and food. I am sure I would be happy this way. What, is there no place for egoists in our society? Do I have to live the same crappy life all my damn family is living? Or is this just me being depressed about my life, who does not understand other people, who are not depressed. Like, what THESE people are living for?The moment that made me write this post happened a couple of days ago. My grandmother knocked on my door and said that she was screaming my name several times and that she did not feel well and needed me to bring her water. I think I was listeting to music that moment, not really loud (I can understand now why I am not listeting to music at higher volume, it is the moments like this). And my grandfather was unconsious from all the fucking alcohol at the time. The only thing I said to her was that I would hear her if she was screaming. This was literally the first time she was feeling like that in several MONTHS. I feel like I do not have a single minute to relax, I am always stressed because something like this can happen and I always can be interrupted even if it is not shit like that. Like, I feel that if I just tell everyone to fuck off and let me study in peace, I would have much more motivation to actually study and not stare into the fucking screen waiting for something to happen. But I cannot do that. I did not make an impression of being such a person. I act like I am fine and everything is fine. Not that someone actually cares if I am fine or not.You think if I am saying all that I actually did consider asking them if I can move out in future or not. I did not. I am afraid to. But I think that they will that I can. What will happen then? Currently I am the only helping my grandmother in our huge fucking garden and I did a lot of work there by myself. Her health is progressively worsening, and my grandfather continues to drink alcohol. So the things are going to get even worse without me being around.I would love to be a person who would say 'fuck all of that'. Can I be that person? What should I do? I ask these questions mostly to myself, but if you read that far into my post I would be happy to hear your opinion or advice on my situation. Thanks. 21M and need an advice",Depression +7780,I fell for my straight friend and its the worst thing ever. We hang out and watch movies together sometimes and those are the happiest moments of my life. I feel genuinely happy when I am with him but once I am alone again I fall right back into depression. Hanging out with him is the only thing that still brings me joy and I am terrified of losing him. I cannot stop thinking about him. I feel like I do not live at all when I am not with him so I just keep remembering the things we did together. I know Ill never be more than a friend to him no matter how much I wish I could. I have told him I had feelings for him before but he just brushed it off and pretended it never happened. Sometimes I wonder if he actually cares about me or if I mean anything to him. Loving him hurts so much but I do not know how to stop. I wish I could not feel love,Depression +7781,"21M. So. I have been feeling depressed, very anxious and very low the past while. I grew up in a abusive household until I was 18, I moved in with my sister for 3 years and that turned toxic and it did not work out (she was angry, hatred, thinks she still hates me), I moved into student accommodation yesterday and I am still overwhelmed and depressed. I have been like this I was a little kid. but what is happened over the past few days just made me feel so low.My family were basically just my brother and sister. My sister now thinks I am backstabbing her for leaving. I tried to explain but she got over sensitive and angry, it is for the best. We were living in a 1 bedroom small flat. She was annoyed and unhappy over time. So I decided to leave, but she was not having any of it.So I got the bus an hour away from home to student accommodation. I got off the bus, ran to the bathroom and took a panic attack. I was there for 45 mins. Left walked round town and checked in to the accomodation. did not eat anything just spent most of the day annoyed and crying. So I was sitting for hours last night and this morning just anxiously looking to click that 'call' button on the support line. I explained my situation. They asked questions, asked about my GP and I agreed to have another assessment. They said it was a suicide line, but I have dark feelings, I feel hopeless alot, pretty much every day since I was no age. But I could not bring myself to end it, I just want the pain to end.It felt ok taking the first step. I know I needed help for years. I do not know what to do with the sister situation. I am still very low. But if anyone else is feeling low or suicidal. If this quiet, socially anxious weirdo like me can do it, anyone of you can I rung a support group",Depression +7782,"well, i do not even know how to start this. I am so confused and lonely. just as info I am a 17 y/o female.i have no idea if i even have depression but reading all of your stories, i recognize myself in most of them so i guess I am one of you. I have been experiencing extreme self-hatred for the past 5 years, triggered by a tragic event in my life and then developing rapidly. its like my thoughts are my biggest enemy and I am constantly bringing myself down for the things i do and the way i look.generally, i do not share personal thoughts with people, its actually the first time i am speaking about this. i just ignored it but lately its been getting so troublesome i cannot sleep and I am always in a bad mood. suicidal thoughts have been coming up as well which scares me a lot.furthermore, i just feel apathy towards everything and everyone. yesterday i got my first job offer and i just felt numb. i know I am not worthy and i do not deserve it so i just did not tell anyone about it even if it was an achievement. same thing with good grades, i just do not care anymore. guilt has also been my best friend throughout these years. something happens and then i just put the guilt on myself. its like i know it straightaway even before considering the situation.its just getting worse after every day and i am really lost. thanks for reading and sorry i bothered you with my thoughts. just another depressed buddy here",Depression +7783,do not have money but need to smoke let us see how it goes ;) Going to rob my weedman,Suicidal +7784,"I am so scared of everything, when will it stop? scared",Depression +7785,"Not like a illness or something I wish, but I can tell that one of these next final yeet attempts are going to work, its not like people will miss me, even my family and friends tell me to kms, no one asks how I am doing and I am stuck just leaving my arms in enchanting table language and drinking till I cannot stand, anyway hope all of you weather you read this or not have a great day. Or better than the new normal we set for ourselves in this degrading reality anyway toodles:) I am going to die soon.",Depression +7786,"There is so much behind this, but how do I cope with the sadness? it is just this deep, gut wrenching/ heart twisting pain and sobbing that I cannot control. The pain does not stop. I have to somehow go to work in a few hours Last night my husband said he is not sure if he wants to be with me anymore.",Depression +7787,"Like I do not want this life I do not want to exist anymore. I do not appreciate life and I am not grateful and a big fuck you to all you ""positivity only"" cunts who go around telling others to love life and be appreciative fuck you fuck you fuck you. I wish I could just die in my fucking sleep I do not want to live anymore but I also do not want to kill myself. Can I please just stop existing omg. I already know I am going to drag this on under I am fucking 80 years old alone and droopy and STILL be like this holy shit I need to jump down or get hit by a truck by like tomorrow I simply do not want to live anymore",Depression +7788,"Ok maybe I do not HATE my life but I think I am unhappy. I am 31f/ married/ 1 kid, 1 step kid. My family life is fine for the most part. My toddler is a handful though, which I was not prepared for. I wanted to become a mom so bad. Now I fantasize about life when I lived in a different city alone for 4 years as a single woman. I had friends and a job I did not hate, I do not think, and I wish I could go back to being free. My career life sucks. Please do not judge me. I am a nightshift NICU RN for almost 4 years and I hate going to work. I believe I am very introverted. I am not a people person, hell, even my husband talks too much for me sometimes. I dislike going to work, I dislike the babies, I dislike the parents. there is no passion there at all. I just never want to be there. However, I am not sure if I even remember what its like to feel anything other than what I constantly feel, which is nothing. I am worried that this is baseline for me. I would feel so much better if I was actually going through depression or something because then I know that my life can feel better. I am currently in the job market looking to explore different nursing jobs, away from bedside that I might enjoy. I am looking into working for an insurance company to do utilization review. I have an interview today and I am nervous because if I do not get this job, I have nothing else lined up and I definitely will become depressed if I am not already. We recently bought a house that I am waiting to close on in about a month, our current living situation also contributes to my poor feelings about my life. At this moment I just feel very unhappy. Everyday is a struggle. I just need good energy. Thank you. I hate my life",Depression +7789,"Anyone else have immense trouble concentrating on shit? Can I ask how do you cope with it when you need to concentrate? I have clinical depression and my doctor tells me that concentration is one of the last things that improve when you get better. I do have my studies however, I love my major and studying and learning new things but I just can not fucking concentrate. One of the few things that bring me joy is learning new stuff but when I open lecture materials its like I have forgotten how to read. Nothing makes sense and I cannot remember anything I read. I could not even bake a cake for my birthday alone, had to have mom as help because I could not concentrate on the recipe. This fucking illness has ruined me. I used to be whip smart and very studious and had a bright career ahead of me. Now i can barely manage university courses. This fucking illness has ruined me. I have tried to be on my meds and without my meds. If I do not take even just one of my multiple meds my head just becomes so ""noisy"" and full of shit that concentrating on anything is even harder. If i take my meds the ""noise"" and all goes away but then its just the emptiness there that is keeping me from focusing on stuff. I know recovery is a long process but I am scared ill never recover or get my concentration back. I am really frustrated trouble with concentration",Depression +7790,First time posting here. There is so much on my mind. I just cannot find it in me to think I am worthy of anything. I work myself to the bone and get very little appreciation. Its really been taking a toll on me. I used to love what I do and now I feel like I am just taking advantage of. I have never been a fan of my appearance. Physical I have been overweight my whole life and recently been trying to change that but with the work I am putting in I feel like it does not make a difference. I just want to feel happy about myself but I just cannot seem to find anything to be happy about. Only thing that makes me smile anymore is my 3 kids. They are about the only people that make me fee appreciate in some way. That being said they usually want mom over me but I understand that. I am just been feeling worthless and I cannot seem to get myself out of the ditch of sadness. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any help given. How to find self worth?,Depression +7791,"i have a bottle of phenytoin 100 mg eptoin tablets, what if i take all of the tablets at once, will i die from that?? i do not want anyone to tell me that it gets better, i just want everything to stop, I am done with this, i want to exit. i do not want any motivational talks. just give me an answer Please help me with this",Suicidal +7792,"Last year I got into music production and i quote it as the happiest year of my life.I was working on music 6 hours a day (at least). I once managed to pull off working for 12 hours.I really loved what I was doing , but this year..its different I do not know how.I am just lost , I can barely work for 2 hours and worst thing is games are back into my life. In 2020 everything that could possibly happen that is good to me has happend. I lost all my weight and got on some serious muscles all by working from home. I had such a mentality for work that year , it was ahead of everything.Back then I loved music so much I managed to not play games at all , I once did not boot up anything for 2 weeks straight. Now , I play games almost everyday (for 2 hours or so) and the worst thing is this fucking game Hearts of Iron 4 got me hooked onto it but it did not made me political. I just remember the days when I was a fat piece of shit and was playing that game in 2016 and I get anxious about all of that coming back right at me.I even uninstalled the game few days ago in hopes of my work hours going up but it did no such thing.What I am trying to say is that I lost the working spirit and I do not know how , I am genuinely not a lazy person.There is a person in my life that is stressing me a lot , I think about it everyday and it does bother me.I do not want to talk about it but I do want to meantion it , I was mad at the same person last year but I was still managing to work very hard.I am not suicidal nor do I think about it , just trapped in an endless loop of anger towards myself.Feel like I am in a minefield , that I have to look at every single step I take.There is something to meantion though , I have quit drinking coffee and any unhealthy drinks (energy drinks , coca cola , pepsi and alike) for 6 months now.Those drinks gave me the ability to stay up at night and make music , which was perfect because every producer encourages that , its just like magic when you work on music while your brain is half dead.But now I cannot make it past 10 , what is interesting is that I can play games untill 1 in the morning but not make music and that is 1 of the many reasons I hate myself. What is wrong with me",Depression +7793,"If you read the title read it once again.What I am saying below is depressing but it is not a lie.Does anyone feel like they are never living in the present, I sure do. I live my life chasing hopes and solving problems I have mostly caused myself, trying to better myself everyday and becoming someone I should be in my own mind. But there is always that thought that everything could end in a matter of seconds and I know that is very possible to happen.So that leaves me with this mission I feel I will never solve, if I am chasing all these dreams and always trying to become someone I want to be. What does that make of myself today. Would I ever be at peace in death if it were to happen today? Or would i be on my mission still, trying to become the perfect version of my self which in my head has existed many times. But yet I would always judge my own thoughts and feel like I should do 'better' even when I have reached a goal that I once visioned to be the perfect me.I chase and I chase, I feel purpose in being something more than I am every single day, I tell myself I am not happy or i will never be at peace until I fulfil these visions. But each vision I see and claim I still feel the fucking same way, one thing ends and its on to the next to fulfil myself as the last vision was nothing more than a stepping stone in my own mind. It leaves me with the question that has surfaced during every vision I have ever had and that is would I be happy if I were to die today? Or would I be worthless as I never took the steps I told myself to do. Ill be fucking honest if you have related to what I just said it can only end one way, that way I have figured out today. The way it ends is in helpless hope for happiness and fulfilment, to reach the perfect version of yourself to be someone that you have dreamt of which will only be a fragment of the life you once lived, nothing more than energy from your own mind. Nothing to anyone else, nothing to yourself. Sure as hell nothing to the future of this world. We are here because we were born to be, lead upon a life of confusion and misled instructions. To be a 'human' the only species that could ever think and do for themselves as far as we know. Alone on this world and on a mission to become a superior race. To dominate this earth to conquer our solar systems. To become gods at the end of it all as far as I know in my own head.But that will not happen for a very long fucking time, all we are today is hurdles, paths forged by our own thoughts to lead us hopefully to a blissful fairytale of immortality, where we could all live with our loved ones and remember the best times of our lives for an eternity.The problem with that is that we are never living our best times because we are chasing and chasing our better selves to bring peace. Which is ultimately pain in the end.So to end all of this my final mission is to tell all of you that life is nothing, nothing more than a figment of your mind, nothing more than fake instructions to be what you are. At the end of everything you are alone, lifeless and empty, nothing more than a past present to the future and what will the future be? The same fucking same thing.We are all here to live and die. Everything single thing along the way may bring the slightest and I mean slighted change to the future of life. The rest of it is just a delusional thought you have created to feel some sort of peace in your life until you reach the end where you hope, hope to be in a fucking dream world Knowing all this makes me feel numb, worthless and non existent and if you have related to what I just said you would feel the same. But that is very likely to be what this life is. There is nothing else along the way other than false hopes and sad endings, I am sorry for myself for having to be here and I am sorry for everyone else that is on the same ride with me. We wish we were more but that is beyond us. This is the dark truth of the world. It revolves around energy and we are just feeding it until it ends its own fate.So enjoy the ride, fulfil every hope you have and never stop doing so as I am sure it will make this easier. If you cannot stop changing yourself the world will simply do that for you. Which is being in death before you are dead. The way I feel about life. (I will warn you this post is not going to be a happy ending)",Depression +7794,I seem to be a lot happier when I am alone and being independent then when I am with them Is it possible for your family to be the reason for your depression?,Depression +7795,"Does anybody else experience this? I have depression and generalised anxiety disorder and am medicated with duloxetine (120mg). Even with all this, I get these strong waves of sadness every now and then where I cannot stop crying. I have just had one that lasted an hour where i felt utterly hopeless and lost. Now I feel calm and those thoughts have passed. Does anyone else have this and what do you do to get through it? Uncontrollable crying",Depression +7796,"Feels like the an episode of a soap opera, but the title pretty much sums it up.I am 24 now, and started attending university at 18. At 19 I got Pyloric Stenosis which went undiagnosed for nearly 6 months, I lost 49% of my body weight, and due to the impeccable timing, missed both the first year final exams, and the retakes due to illness. During this time my gf of three years broke up with me over Facebook while I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting for an MRI, my grandad had a heart failure and died within 12 hours, and a week after leaving hospital for the final time my Mother confesses she was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month prior (she survived luckily).It took two years of feeling sorry for myself to try tinder, and there I met the most amazing person I am now engaged to, they convinced me to go back to University but closer to home as the Uni I was attending had Campuses across the UK.And so I did, and had an incredible time, got to travel to other counties to tour, was lucky enough to work with an artist who I now have work with on Spotify (huge personal victory) and since have released music with the band I am a active member of which was probably the proudest moment of my life. However, I have diagnosed ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Depression and Anxiety, book smarts just is not my forte, but I usually get by, until a global pandemic happens and I had to do my final year at home in my bedroom, this was my kryptonite, but I was still moving along fine. Up until about an hour ago, my father was taken to hospital by ambulance last Monday, traumatic stuff but we have a family history of being unwell constantly so I managed to not let it drop me getting these final pieces done. He called about an hour ago to tell me they were finally able to get a better understanding of what happened and confirm it is Lung Cancer.I do not know why is was the final straw but I have no idea how to handle this new level of nothingness My Dad just got diagnosed with cancer 22 hours before my final deadline for my degree",Depression +7797,"I have been living the same day on repeat for about as long as i can remember, without trying to sound cliche I am in a hole that is just too deep to crawl out from. I do not know what to do to fix it and the longer I am alone just doing the same thing over and over the less i care which creates and endless cycle.I hate posting this shit on reddit because i know I am going to get into an argument with some guy and he will use it against me but yeah, in theory i should be someone who is able to thrive and create a decent life for themselves, but i just do not care anymore, years of being unable to create and maintain basic human relationships and social isolation kind of ruined me as a person.And as I have searched around, no one seems to have any real solution to this. Its always the same, well no one ever said it was easy rome was not built in a day well! The situation",Depression +7798,"The memories I suppressed for so long suddenly triggered today. I remembered how I used to feel like I was trapped in my own world and how i was suicidal in junior school, at around age 10. I remember how my mum used to go into rage at mistakes i would make or me being annoying. I remembered how mum would tell me to put my arm out for her to hit me, and if i pulled my arm back in fear, she would threaten to hit me even harder. I was really fucked up back then. Every other night Id think about running away, never having to face anyone who would hurt me or berate me or make fun of me like my classmates and teachers at school would or like my mum would at home. I think today was the day my old self that i had abandoned to heal finally came back to haunt me. Just needed to write this down. I just needed to write this down",Depression +7799,"that is pretty much it, there is such a lack of hope in my life that my therapist cannot even be bothered. My PHQ9 has gone up to 25/27, GAD7 is at 12/15.I just want to go missing, as in 411 style. Being so hopeless that even my therapist misses my appointment.",Depression +7800,"The millennial and gen z generations have been completely screwed over over by unfettered capitalism by the boomers. Slave wages and working conditions, lifetime of student debt, unaffordable housing, the fucking ocean on fire, policy brutality, the highest income inequality in American history, rents that are higher than mortgages, gun violence, rising crime, and the complete corporate takeover on our society. Capitalism is going to kill me. I might as well quit before I get fired.",Suicidal +7801,Anyone please suggest. I am done living. Just cannot handle the anxiety and loneliness. I just want to go out in good way rather than living and die a miserable life. I wish i had a gun would have been easier. Can anyone please tell me a painless way to die,Suicidal +7802,"I think I should be dead. No one should have to endure this.I have depressed for 10 years. I have worked my ass off to do my best and I have achieved a lot and still not enough. No matter how much I fight I do not get to be happy.If you give me an easy way I will take it. At least I am not high anymore, god knows I the drugs because I do not have anything else.Nobody is on my side. This world is not made for me",Suicidal +7803,"I will try to describe this for everyone who will read this in search of things related to me.Thank you guys all, for being with me all this time.Thank you Mom for raising a good man, thank you dad for doing everything to keep you togheter and the most of the hurt.. will have because I think Ill lost my soulmate and she has no ideea what I am planinng to do.. I am so shamed C.. I did not have anything left to do, I don t want tu hurt anyone, no more..You gave me strenght and power, and now I got messeed with my own decisions.I got big time debt.. I can t make this life to be greater than I did.. and please, when you will read this.. please don t forget how much I loved and LOVE you, and please don t cry over me. Your life will be different, please take care of you! I messed up my life, but I don t want to anyone suffer because of me. For guys on suicidewatch, moda and everyone on this WORLD who try to fix things in people lives, you are the Angels of the WORLD.This WORLD deserves you.Thank you all for being humans, may the future be bright and fight the stars for me,Thank you everyone. My time is over",Suicidal +7804,"Things were better than good they were great. I spent 14 months, happy, for the first time in 29 years I actually had a happy period in my life, I was sorting stuff out, wed spoke of a future together, a family, Id been talking to a life counsellor and even became optimistic and started letting go of bad moments to keep my mind clear day to day.I drove over to hers after getting some good news that would enable our future, Id made up my mind where Id take her to propose next year, and then that was that. She did not see a future for us.I have barely slept or ate. I keep taking diphenhydramine to try to sleep but I am just taking more and more now to try and not have to deal with the mess inside my head, and still not sleeping. I am heartbroken, and I think this is leading back to the depression that plagued me before. I keep thinking I am soon to be 30, and I have nothing, no one. Everything in my life I have either pissed away or subconsciously ruined.I hate the person I see in the mirror.I keep thinking what is the point to carry on, but I do not even think I could manage going through with anything, let alone even talk to anyone about it - I just feel like I am pathetic for feeling like this. Slipped back to my old mentality",Suicidal +7805,"When I am by myself with my thoughts I always start feeling really sad and lonely and depressed. I am an introvert(or ambivert) and I love being alone but there is also always a part of me that feels like something is missing and then I get depressed and anxious So far in the summer I have been pretty busy with my internship and hanging out with friends which means I felt this feeling less than before summer started. This for a moment made me feel that maybe my mental health was improving. However, I finished my internship last week and this week I am spending more time at home and less time with friends. My plan was to get school work done(because of procrastination, I have not) but idk I have began feeling sad again for no reason. I think its because I do not have the distraction of hanging out with people anymore to ignore my thoughts. Does anyone feel this too? Any suggestions to stop? Feeling sad and lonely and depressed for no reason",Depression +7806,"I feel like I have come to terms with life. There is nothing that truly excites me or allows me to look forward to anymore besides a peaceful death. No matter what comes I constantly have thoughts of ending everything in my head, but I do not want to leave my family devastated, so I have to keep living on, what is the point of this fucked up world. Coming to terms",Suicidal +7807,"Hi am 24 and I have been trying to figure out my career. I am a very creative person ( atleast I think that) since I make electronic music, play tabla( Indian instrument) and sing. Along with that I am a very emotional personal and care about small things a lot. I think I feel things very intensely even if its a small feeling of love, anger, hat etc. My problem is I have started losing interest in things. Some days back I was really excited to make music which I did but lost interest in 2 days. Then I was interested in making a product that is environmental friendly and lost interest in a few days. I just lose interest in everything. I need suggestions on how I can be more patient and figure out things for myself. I do not want to be that human who would go for a shit ass job and work there 9-5. I want to be in a more creative pursuit in life and I would really appreaciate your suggestions.Thanks if you read it till the end :) I lose interest in everything in some time",Depression +7808,"My boyfriend is convinced that I am his soulmate; he brings it up at least twice a week. I would agree that I was meant to be with him except for one problem: I am certain that I am going to snap and kms one day. I do love him and we do talk about our future together. It makes us both really happy, but secretly I feel so guilty deep down because I know its very likely that all those dreams are going to come crashing down when I snap and decide to get it done once and for all. We did talk about having kids but I am afraid I will pass on my mental issues (not sure if they are genetic or not because I was abused as a child for about a decade) and also I would hate to create whole new people and then crush them by killing myself AFTER they are born. He keeps telling me that he will never be normal again if I do go ahead with it, but I am so FUCKING EXHAUSTED. One failed attempt last year and I am still here on this shit earth. How can I help him? I would like to minimise emotional damage. We met on a dating app so maybe I could find him another gf or something. Or I could be such a bitch to him that he actually becomes happy at the thought of my death? Feeling GUILTY over potentially committing suicide, how can I help boyfriend?",Suicidal +7809,Why should not i end this to atleast stop this pain Next day of doing nothing. I do not have strenght to do anything. I can just lay in my bed.,Depression +7810,I am so tired of struggling with my mental health. It always seems like I am searching for help and not receiving it. Nothing in this world makes me want to live anymore and I really want to kill myself. I am angry that I was forced to be born just to be emotionally neglected and sexually abused as a child. I am still living with the trauma which is extremely hard because I am forced to live with the person who abused me when I was 6. I am desperately searching for therapists who work in trauma but my insurance is not helping me pay for it. I cannot afford to pay out ot pocket. If I do not get the help I need to heal from all of the shit that is happened to me I know I will end my life. I would rather die a million times than be forced to live in such an evil world...the thought of going to sleep and never waking up to my life is a blessing unlike any other. Life is misery,Suicidal +7811,"Hi all,Let me introduce myself. I am a 22y old male student. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder back in 2016 and since then I have been on meds ( antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizators ).Lately, I have been without will to study and I have been feeling really lazy and with some intrusive thoughts that are common for OCD. As of today I have been smoking a pack or more of cigarettes a day. All of what I do during the day comes down to eating and smoking and sleeping. I do not feel happy with my life. I may lose my scholarship for university and I only did one exam in two months. I am worried is this may be a sign of depression?Thanks to all who read and reply! Is this depression?",Depression +7812,So i just got hit by an odd feeling. I am crying but I feel kind of chill & peaceful. Colors seem more alive. And i just want to die. I realized that I am just a fucking useless Borden(i cannot spell it and i coulnd t care less rn) I have prepared everything. I know how where when. But i just want to say fuck google. I am trying to look up what the fuck am i feeling and why is it like this but all i get is how to recognize symptoms or how to help someone with suicidal thoughts or something like that. I tried phrasing it but it does not search what I want. I may be just dumb but i had a fucking rampage scrolling.So why everything seems pretty all of a sudden. Why am I crying like an idiot. And why i just know what I want to do for once in life. I feel like walking to my destination. And walking. And walking. there is a fucking storm coming and idc. I am afraid of storms but i feel safe. And i already prepared everything. And idk if I should give a tiny warning to my friends. Or should I just go. I feel like thanking but they might suspect something. Idk honestly. I would prefer not to alarm them but.. they will be clueless since they are online friends. they will just think I am not online for long time. Feeling odd.,Suicidal +7813,"I cannot believe that only such a small amount of people of all people on earth are depressed. This number is not right is it? "">264,000,000 people of 7,800,000,000 people worldwide suffer from depression"" - Is the amount really that small?",Depression +7814,"I am just tired of everything and want to stop existing. This shit sucks and I would rather not be here. Who in their right mind thought living life like this was bearable?Not one person gives a shit. I am not even sure I even care anymore. So like I said, fuck everything. Honestly, fuck everything",Depression +7815,">Beautiful idyllic childhood in the 90s>west at height of power, prosperity and stability>Then BOOM>9/11>Endless War>Crash of '08>Mass unemployment right as we are entering the workforce>Mass immigration>The rise of far-leftist insanity and destruction of values>Reawakening of long-dormant racial strife>A fucking worldwide pandemic>government turns into repressive totalitarian technocracy>inflation>impending economic collapse>Mass poverty and societal collapse>Orwellian dystopia ultimately nuked by ChinaWhen does it end? When will our generation catch a fucking break? Millenials are the most fucked over generation of all time",Depression +7816,"I want to die but i feel like other people have it worse than me.It just hit me that people have a reason to die. Usually life's been shit for them, family problems, and many more.Me? Well, life has been steady. It is not as bad as others'. But i still want to die. I must be really ungrateful. I must have been overreacting. I am so confused right now. Do i really want to die? I want to die. I am bored. I am lonely. What to do? What to do..... I want to die, but...",Depression +7817,"I do not know what to do. I want to commit suicide but I do not really want to die. I just want people around me to know I am suicidal. People around me think I am an attention seeker when I try to open up to them. I have nobody helping me at all. Please help me, this is a silent cry for help I am depressed",Suicidal +7818,"I was on ssri for about 3 years when I decided I did not need them anymore in spring this year.I felt great on them and they helped me profoundly. But I felt that I owe it to myself to try and live without it, since my whole environment has changed for the better since I first became depressed.Now I start a new adventure by moving to a different place with my bf.Ever since we started planning everything I soon realized how anxious I got. (never felt that before but I was on ssri the last few years). Now I feel mild symptoms of my depression coming back. I can still do my daily tasks, do sports, eat healthy and other activities but they are not as fun anymore and my job starts to annoy me so much.I really struggle to find out if these feelings are just normal since I am going through a stressfull phase and have not been able to experience these feelings as I do now because I was on medication, or if I am just depressed again and maybe need it.Has anyone else experienced something like this? What was your solution? 4 months off ssri and moving",Depression +7819,"If there is one thing I am certain, it is the fact that I am feeling like I am straying further away from social interaction. I have been a complete shut-in since my senior year in high school and now I am already a full-time grinder. I used to force myself to go out and do things alone, like go to a movie, shopping, cafe... yet for the past couple years, I stopped doing so. Basically, my routine is just wake up, go to work (now from home), come back home to sleep. The rest I just spend on computer playing games or watching anime. I do have couple of friends that are still connected, but that is all there is in my circle. I feel like I am just existing for the sakes of the existence itself and not living, because to 'live' you need a purpose and I have got none. I exist but not living",Depression +7820,"My bf and I have been together for several months now. He told me about his depression pretty early on, but he had been doing well overall for quite a while. Well, over the last few weeks he has started having symptoms and has been struggling. I am trying my best to be there for him without trying to ""fix"" him. But it is difficult. My question is who is it OK to talk to? Everyone in me life has either met him or will likely meet him at some point so I do not want to talk to someone when he would not want them to know. So where do I turn for support? I know therapy would be ideal, but I do not really have money for that right now. Would appreciate advice. Who do I talk to? (Partner going through depressive episode.)",Depression +7821,"I have a close friend who is chronically depressed, and says he does not want to be alive. However he refuses to see anyone for counseling or treatment. Any suggestions for how I can get him to accept help and see a professional? Suggestions for getting someone to accept help?",Depression +7822,"Obv I made all these plans, thinking I would be a lot better once the core stressor was removed, but tbh I am still finding it v difficult to not feel low and to enjoy doing things. So I guess Ill just try and enjoy the remainder of the time without putting too much pressure on myself to not waste the time. I am finding it very hard.Anyone been in a similar situation who has any tips? Thank you Time off work due to stress",Depression +7823,"I have been struggling way too fucking long and I am tired of not being taken seriously and being misdiagnosed by POS mental health professionals. I am CONSTANTLY crying out for help and it feels so pathetic at this point. I am looking into going to residential treatment and if they reject me that is fucking it and I am jumping off a building. I am not sad anymore, I am livid. I am killing myself if I cannot get help.",Suicidal +7824,I do not care that much i just wonder what you all thing about itI'm planning suicide but what if I will give life another chance Is it even worth it ? Is it worth giving life another chance,Suicidal +7825,"I have been pretty down lately and now I am on the fence weather tomorrow i should go see my doc or not. I am starting to giving up with my meds, but i still want to be better. I do not know. Please help me. Can anybody please give me any reasons why i should continue see my psychiatrist? Really need some support right now",Depression +7826,"Context: I do not remember the last time I brushed my teeth properly. I know I need to go to the dentist because cold things and sweet things hurt, and there is a patch on two of my front teeth that I am guessing is whatever is under the enamel BC it hurts to touch, hurts to brush etc so I stopped. However I am so fucking terrified of going to the dentist because I do not want them to judge me. it is also my family dentist and I am scared they will accidentally say something to my family. I know it is likely going to be expensive and for all I am currently unemployed (thanks covid) idk how much is going to be free, if any. They make me feel so self conscious and I want to fix that and sort them out but I am just so scared. How do you build up the courage to do something?",Depression +7827,"Hey, never thought i would have somehow ended up here, but i really just need to let it all out to someone i guess. Here is a summaryMy dad got covid recently, and yes, shit has been going wrong, my mom tried her best to gave him medicine but he just will not listen, he always gave reason that what my mom gave is not medically approved, altho many people use the same medicine that my mom gave him.it is been days with fights, quarrel, you name it, it is there. My family economy is not also great since we need to buy vitamins in order to make him feel better (altho he will not listen and act whatever he want)I want to help my family, but I have tried invest in share but always make a loss, and it is nearly impossible to start a business since i feel bad to ask money to start a small business as i do not want to burden my family economy moreI do not knows guys, i feel like suicide is da wae but *sigh* i just do not know....I literally plan out my suicide, it woud be me cutting myself under warm water while listening to REM - End of the worldAnyways that is it guys, feel free to comment anything or whatever it is, I am sorry for grammar mistakes since it is not my main language. Stay safe out there guys <3Ps : I am an Agnostic so i do not really believe religion and the people who says, ""God will provide a way"". I know he will but it just seems the only way he provide is suicide, at least, for now.I am mentally not fine.Sorry for the whining guys My dad got covid and shit has been going wrng ever since",Suicidal +7828,"I was stupid to believe going to the doctors would help. I was stupid to believe medication would help. I am still me. No amount of medication or counselling will ever change that. I do not know what my purpose is on this earth. I cannot hold down a job. No friends. Most of my family cannot stand me. I have felt this way from a young age and I am now 25, it is never ending. I have never really reached out for help before but I was scared that I was getting close to ending my life. it is all I was thinking of. I am told I will have to wait two years for counselling. The medication has done nothing but put two stone of weight on me so now I feel even more crap about myself. I am in a dark hole and only I can pull myself out. It gets harder to pull myself out each time I fall. I wanted to try putting my thoughts out there instead of bottling them in like I always do. To anyone else out there struggling, you are not alone, even though I know it feels like that sometimes. you are not alone.PS sorry if any of this is against the rules, this is my first post. Also sorry for bad grammar, I never finished school because of this stupid disease. I was stupid to believe it would help",Depression +7829,"Hi I am new here, I actually created this account because I have no one to talk to.Last October 2020 I quit my tech job due to burnout. I had a boyfriend then and he was really supportive. Earlier this year I keep on getting sick, I had chronic sinusitis. Now, my boyfriend and I broke up and he already moved on. He looked so happy, I have never seen him that happy during the entire 6 years we have been together.I feel so alone and such a failure. I lost everything that gave my life meaning. I do not want anyone to tell me it will get better or I should try harder, because I already did.Every night I am praying and wishing that I will not live so see another day. It hurts, I am tired, I do not want to be here anymore. Unemployed for 10 months and now severely depressed",Suicidal +7830,"Please....I do not want to hate myself anymore. I cannot handle the negative emotions 24/7 7 days a week anymore. I do not want to feel useless and worthless. I want to be okay for once in my life. My brain keeps beating me up, telling me I am trash. I am stressed out I can barely sleep. I am all alone. I want to be set free from this but I cannot I am in so much pain",Depression +7831,"I do not even know where to start. Celexa is shit, job is shit, friends are shit, I hate myself everytime I see my reflection, I hate this city, I cannot seem to find any motivation, everything I loved just does not attract anymore.This episode has been during since before summer and its hard af. I want to kill myself but cannot. A stupid crybaby",Suicidal +7832,"This is literally the first time I am opening up somewhere, and not denying my miserable mental health. I am a 19 year old teen, and went through a painful breakup 11 months ago. I was completely fine and confident before that - a nice social group of friends that I made almost everywhere I went. People used to compliment me for my good looks and charm and it made me more confident. However after the breakup things started going downhill. I am not sure if it is the lockdown and quarantine that made me this way.I literally hate meeting people now. People give me anxiety. I force myself to attend meetup plans made by some 4-5 friends that are left. I feel tired to pick up calls from friends, my phone stays on silent all the time. I do not open social media at all and even if I do, all the messages I get are left unanswered. I cannot even do daily chores which involve interacting with people like going to the shop to buy groceries or visiting the barber. Somehow, I push myself to do it. I want to join the gym and start working out again but I am afraid of all the other people at the gym. I am well over my ex girlfriend and do not feel anything about her or the breakup. But , I do refrain from meeting our old mutual friends. My sleep schedule is messed up, I sleep at 1:30 am and wake up at 10:30 am. Previously, I was diagnosed with migraine. Now that I stay at home all day I do not get them. But socialising or going out gives me stress migraines. I know this is not normal and I want to get out of all this. This is a genuine cry for help. About my life goals, I do have a serious passion for Physics and Astronomy. But I end up spending most of my time playing video games. It would be very kind of the reddit community to help with any type of advice.- Thank you. Help...My social anxiety keeps getting worse. (long post)",Depression +7833,"Not sure if this is the best sub for this but I still think it is a good question.As someone who perhaps is not as socially skilled as it should be, I watch a lot of self-improvement/social skills videos. The advice they give is ""say the things you do not think are worth saying"" or something along those lines to keep a conversation going. But my problem is I simply run out of things to say, good or bad, and I totally blank until the other person picks up the conversation.Is this something any of you relate to? Running out of things to say",Depression +7834,"It does not matter how hard I work or how much time I invest, its never enough, might do it in a few days at this rate There is no point",Suicidal +7835,"I have been working 70-80 hour weeks for the past 10 years. A few months ago I went off with depression and anxiety. I know I am completely burnt out. I get really good days when I am with certain people like my parents or my brother but when its just me and my 7 year old daughter, I feel so down and I am just exhausted with life. Its a struggle to even get up each day and when I do get up, its only to lay on the sofa doing bugger all. My house has become a mess and my daughter, although she says she can see I am happier already, can still see that I am not fixed How long does burn out last, or is this depression? I am seriously considering asking for medication even though I am SO against putting any drugs into my body. I just need a happy pill- or a caffeine cannula! Depressed or burnt out?",Depression +7836,"Man, when I thought these months were going good, nope it was preparing me for this 2 weeks before I felt on top of the world, nothing could stop me. I was getting over my health anxiety and was ready. I was also about to score a new job and leave this cruddy one. It was all going good, until the next week. I found out that the job I was taking was a total scam. Fine, time to just wait it out and try some online freelancing (fyi first time). Oh look a job opportunity! Nope two more scams that further irritated me (fun). Fine, I guess I will try to hang out with some fiends. I call a few people and text (no response for days). Now I am starting to feel the partial feeling of depression. Next thing I know, my school work began to pile up and was now behind (awesome!) But the funny thing is, the week ended okay for me that is until Sunday. Without any explanation whatsoever, my ex(who hated my guts after I broke up with her but I was cool with) dmed me months after our last talk. Ok, I am not upset or angry at her, she changed alot and is happy with her new bf (something I was hoping she would get) but this was the match to light the fuel. After taking to her, I began to see how much good stuff she is gone through the years and I (should not have done this) mistakenly started comparing her life to mine. that is where I took a total fall. I immediately blocked her because I was jeleous of her new life(mind you I wished for her happiness) because I was so insecure at the time. Luckily she dmed me in a unblocked account and that is how I found out i was not inheritly mad at her. Now I am just at the bottom of my life. I feel burnt out and just lost a good deal of hope. I am so tired of having straight up bad luck I want good things to happen (I also feel karma may have something to do with this)I am just done. The worst depressive wave this year",Depression +7837,I have done so little for anybody I love that I should just die I do not feel like living any longer,Suicidal +7838,F29. Anyone else starting to realise working 40 hours a week for a bullshit corporate job is not a natural way to live? I genuinely feel like I cannot take it anymore. I want to fuck it all off and live in a van or something haha This is not a normal way to live,Depression +7839,I am suicidal. i want to die and i want to give up. I am desperately clinging on to the last thread. there is still so much i want to experience in life but i do not have enough motivation to go on any longer. i do not want to go before my mother. and i want just one person to listen to my story and tell me I have worked hard. i want to know from a professional stance if I am being too weak or if anyone in my shoes would have done better than i did. would it be safe for me to go to therapy and be honest about my suicidal thoughts without the risk of being sent to a mental hospital against my will? last ditch effort: therapy?,Suicidal +7840,"I had a near death experience 2 years ago and before I came back I remember smiling and feeling bliss. I am going back there soon and I am not as scared of the dying part now because of it.I only had one other obsticle between me and my suicide and it is gone now. I am a little sad that this is how my life ended up but it was a a life nonetheless.I have a little money saved, I am going to pick an official date soon, I just want to make sure I can get that bliss maybe before I go. If not, oh well. Dying was the best I have felt in years",Suicidal +7841,"I mean why? I do not want to be suffered anymore, I do not want to be depressed, I do not want to make other people irritated and stressed..All I want is just ending my pain and leaving this terrible world. And also it will be much better for ppl around me when I leave. They will not be stressed or angry with me.I am useless and meaningless piece of shit. So I should die for everyone. If I keep leaving, everything will be much worse. Why I should live?",Suicidal +7842,"This is not the past. This is the present, no, not the future nor the thing determining your success. Live in the present. No matter how tainted your past us or what deeds you done, remodel yourself, you do not have to grief over what you did before, please.No matter how bad your life is, there is still hope, just make the hope yourself. Life is falling to pieces? Make a new puzzle (life). Terrible things you have no control of like shitty parents? No matter how bad they are, you do not have to listen nor think what they say is right. No one loves you? Love yourself. God loves you as well. Believing in and loving God also definitely helps. If you think God just sits there watching me suffer doing nothing! Hes allowing you to suffer, to make you learn from failiures, just wait until what He has planned for you :D (Its Heaven!)Hate on me if you want to, if this saves one life, its worth it. for anyone who plans to end it, please read this",Suicidal +7843,"I hate this i hate this i hate this i hate thisI hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myselfI wish i could just die already or get the energy to end it alli do not know how much longer i can keep myself distracted from everythingi hope i do not wake upwhy am i even herei do not deserve love or carebut i wish for it anyways like a selfish idioti have not slept all night and I am just so tired but cannot sleepschool is coming next week but i have no motivation to try anymorei feel so lost and isolatedmy own bed no longer feels comfortable to me anymorei cannot cry either so everything is building up and i feel i may go insane bc of itim tired of being told to pray to god to feel better, to talk to a priest, or to just stop worrying and thinking negative thoughtsi do not even want to get better anymorethese dark thoughts comfort me nowfantasizing abt the things i would do brings me some kind of comforti wish i could crywhy am i like thissuch a dissapointmenteveryone despises meppl just put up with me but i know that they would be happier without meim sick of pretending and telling myself and everyone ill be finei will not be fineand I am honestly fine with thatim starting to not care abt what i might do to myselfi just hope it comes soonsorry for the long rant and if you read all of this then I am really sorry for wasting your time I am so tired",Depression +7844,Nothing i can do will fix that. I am never going to be enough,Depression +7845,Hey everyone i took 15 mg of oxicodon and drank alcohol I do not really care what happens to me now.Thinking of taking another pill. My brrathing is slowing. I am not sure though. Maybe I cannot even pull this off. My breathing is slowing,Suicidal +7846,"I do not want to be ""smart"" i just want to be the average person who does not think so different than the others. I was told by multiple tests made by professionals that I have a higher IQ but to me that just means that I think too different from other people (which I have noticed) to be able to fit into society and I also think a lot about suicide i want to be a normal dumb person who is happy in their ignorance bubble and does not think how cool suicide would be because he is too dumb toIts hard to explain I hope someone understood Sorry for my bad english I am spanish I just want to be normal",Suicidal +7847,"I do not want to die. I just want the pain to stop. Today is our 7 year official dating anniversary and 6 years ago we got engaged. Then on September 10, 2014 we got married. All of these dates hold so much meaning to me. Last night I was pleading with the universe, God, anybody to just stop my heart from beating. I am in so much pain.Tonight he will be spending the night and rest of the weekend at his boyfriends place (he left me for him). I will be here at this big empty house alone.I really do not think I am going to get through this. Today is hard",Suicidal +7848,"I have an appointment tomorrow but I am not sure if its a stupid idea to go. I feel so empty and numb, I cannot feel emotions and feel like I have just shut down. I have tried to cry but its like I am not even capable to cry anymore. I do not know what to say when the psychiatrist asked me why are you here.. I have been thinking so hard on how to answer that question because I do not even know what is truly bothering me. People have it so much worse than I do, yet here I am Should I even see a psychiatrist ??",Depression +7849,"I have plans for my future. I am happy about them, excited even. I am going to start college in a year or two. I have every good thing right at my doorstep tbh, but I woke up today with a blue body I do not know how else to put it. Its been a few days that I have been feeling this day, but today was a very prominent day when I felt blue, almost as if my veins and arteries are carrying a liquid called depression. Every step felt heavy. I had my blood tests done a few hours ago, and honestly, a part of me almost expected blue liquid to come out. Or black, maybe. I guess it was a moment of stupid imagination, but I felt so empty and hollow that it felt alien to expect my body would react in a humanly way. All my plans are very competitive, and yes, I am incredibly optimistic about my future goals. But somewhere at the back of my head, I have my suicide planned out. How When Where My suicide note Its just like another option for me if my future plans do not become something that I want. My depression is spiralling into suicide as a resort to failed future plans",Suicidal +7850,"I am suffering from depression and have been taking professional help as well. I have a few really bad days where I feel like though I want to get my work done, I am unable to as I have no motivation and I just want to lie down or sleep. This makes me question myself, is it really depression who is making my task impossible or am I using depression just as an excuse to avoid work. I am confused, anxious and frustrated with myself all the time but since I am on meds, I am able to have a little control over my emotions.I think I had Depression since my teenage years but it was left undiagnosed. I have read so much on how to deal with depression and tried different approaches but nothing seem to work. Which reinforces my doubt that maybe I am faking depression as I can use it as an excuse as I am not making progress in getting out of it and maybe I like to stay in depression so I do not have to do any work. But at the same time I never tell anyone at work that I am depressed so maybe I am not faking after all. Everything is so confusing. Whatever this is, I do not think Ill ever be able to get out of this phase. I do not want to stay depressed but I cannot get myself out of it",Depression +7851,"So introduction I guess.. my name is Michael and I am 20 yo. I live in Slovakia though I would be surprised if anybody knew where that is located. And I am struggling with..I do not know maybe deppresion?The problems started like long time ago back when I was still a child. My mum hated the fuck out of my dad and for some reason my dad hated her too. My dad is like the typical stereotype guy who thinks that woman should be in kitchen taking care of her husband. He was and still is to be honest addicted to alcohol. I remember when I was a child and my mum had to go away for a couple of days that everytime my dad stepped through front door I prayed to god because I was always afraid that he arrives drunk again. I was so genuinely happy when he did not and I always hid in my closet when he did. In school I was not very popular. I am the kind of guy who thinks that if you have the means, if you have the option and ability to help somebody you should by all means do that. Of course people tend to take advantage of that. Everytime they needed something I would do it eventhough if it meant that I had to spent 4 hours doing their homework or writing an essay. Of course I was bullied too when they did not need me because why the fuck not right I deserved that. I did not have a single true friend everybody I considered to be my friends they insulted me and humilliated me most of the time and I did not like it. I was so alone that I just decided that I had to have a friend. And that is when my schizophrenia probably started.I made myself a friend. He is called Martin Ladec I even created him a facebook account so I could chat with him because I had always wanted to have friend that I could chat with on facebook. Everytime I was alone I talked to him. My imaginary best friend. It all started like nothing too serious every conversation I had with him always played in my head like I only imagined that I was talking to him because I had known that he was not real. But then I started talking out loud to him.. It just went like this I do not really know how to explain it properly. I just sat on the ground and started crying and telling him how I was feeling but after I was done talking I got up smiled at the spot where I had been crying and tried to reassure the spot you know like if I was Martin cheering up Michael. After some time I got better but then I started hearing voices it was around 8th or 9th grade. They were telling me how pitiful I was, that I should kill myself that everybody hated me. I started to feel really deppressed and it was not helping when the actual people were telling me how pitiful I am and how they hated me. So at the end of elementary school my mind was shattered like glass into so many parts. Part that wants to kill me, other part who argues with the first part and telling me to live, Martin and myself.Then the high school came and I found new friends..like true friends. I liked them so much and they seemed to like me too. There was this particular guy that I enjoyed spending my time with we had so much in common. He loved the same type of music I did, movies, TV series and so on. Of course I had fallen in love with him. I did not even realized that I was gay but when I did I just went along with it. But I loved and still I love him so much..I guess I was really obsessed with him. I was jealous everytime he went out with somebody else ( of course i did not tell him I am not dumb I knew it would ruin everything) I was thinking of him everytime I went to bed and everytime I woke up. He had a best friend, our classmate, and the three of us started hanging out a lot. It got to a point when we had like really deep shit conversation and I remember that the other guy ( not the one I love ) told me ( because he could see that I had been struggling ) : ,,The stupidest thing that a person can do when he has some problems is that he never tells anyone about those problems. Talk about it."" and then the guy I loved said : ,,We are telling everything to each other. Tell us."" And I told them because I believed in them. I told them about the voices and about Martin and everything. It went fine it seemed they believed me but of course.. shit had to get worse. ( for the sake of this the guy I love is : T and his best friend is : S)At one point I do not know what happened but S accused me of lying. He said that nothing that happened to me never really happened to me and that I like the attention I am getting because of that and I just want people to pity me. He told other guys in my class and so I became the guy who is constantly lying, exaggerating and deppressed. I never stopped talking to them though. I understood that this shit is really hard to believe. T was still my number 1 friend because he seemed that he still believed me. I started to love him even more. I have always had money I did not even know how. From insurance, when my grandma and aunt died and what they left me. So always when I needed or wanted something I had it. And he did not have the luck he had like no money. Like he was not poor or anything but when he wanted Converse for example he could not afford. And I felt selfish because I had the money and he did not so I felt like it would be really selfish of me not to buy things for him. I bought him those. And trousers. And jackets. And games on ps4 ( which by the waay I bought just so I could play with him ). I remember that once he told me how much he dreamed of getting a new computer but his mum did not let him have it. So I literally started building my own new pc for 600 eventhough the one I currently had was completely fine. The old one I had cost me around 500. I told I am that I had built myself a new pc so I can give him my old one. For free. And I did. I literally spent on him around 600 because I gave him my monitor because he did not have one and I had to buy myself a new one. And I still was so happy when I bought those things for him and gave those things to him. I loved him so much like this is probably the true love you know.Then last year came and it all went to shit. It was my last year on my school and we had a party the entire class after Stukova. ( Stukova is like the Ball you have in last year of high school. After Stukova you have Dozvuky where all students just drink a lot ). S dated my classmate but they broke up before Dozvuky. I was really good friend with S' ex at that time. I am not going to explain what happened exactly this post is long enough even without those details but basically S "" fooled around "" with two girls. Two girls his ex hated the most. She was really sad and I was talking to her the entire time. After Dozvuky and everything I met him and he told me that I really fucked up. He told me that I disgust him and if I feel hurt that I deserve it. He blamed me for something I did not do. He did not want me to explain to him and he stopped talking to me. In the same week every guy from our class stopped talking to me including T and I realized that he told them his version and they all feel same as him about me. It could not come in worse moment. I was feeling during this time deppressed a lot. I had a friend ( M ) She was like my best friend after S and T. She knew that I was gay and she knew that I loved T. Still she fooled around with him when we had parties. When I was there. 3 times. Everytime she did it she told me that she was sorry and promised me she would never do it again. And she did it two more times. One time i was in the same bed as T and M and they started making out next to me. It was the worst feeling ever because I loved him so much and she knew and still she did it. I was heartbroken and defeated and I started cutting myself. And then S dumped me because of the misunderstanding and every guy dumped me and I was alone again. Fortunately I am not that stupid and I realized that I coudln't continue like this. I am proud of myself that I realized that I need professional help because most people cannot do it.So I started looking for a psychologist at first.Someone to talk to. I tried 9 different ones. And they all told me the same thing. Only time can help. I did the Rorschach test numerous times and still they were not able to find anything wrong with me eventhough my every goddamn answer was really deppressing, negative and not positive at all. I cut myself. I hear voices telling me that I should kill myself or the ones that hurt me. I created an imaginary friend. For fuck sake even I as a patient was able to realize that something is a bit fucking fishy about me. They did not help. One psychologist even tried to touch my thigh. So that much for proffessional help. So I started looking for a psychiatrist . I told him the same story and he gave me pills. Arisppa. It did not help. The best part is that I told him that I had told S about my voices and stuff and how I hurt felt when he did not believe me and accused me of being a drama queen and guess what did the fucking psychiatrist asked? "" Michael, are you telling me the truth? Do you really hear the voices or have you made this all up just to skip school or be different? To let people pity you?"" Is this even possible in modern world? in which fucking dimension would sane psychiatrist ask such a dumb question? I snapped and I started laughing hysterically after that. I was laughing at my place for good 3 hours and then I started crying. And laughing after that. Some people just insult those who kill themselves and say that it is selfish decision. I totally understand suicide now. I have problems I accept that. I wanted help I desperatelly needed help but everything is against me. In this world if you are not selfish bastard you cannot be happy. This world is not made for people like me. it is really easy to say that "" get some help"" because apparently nobody can help. Like I do not even know if anybody is going to read this or not. But if some lost sould read this entire novel to the end just wanted to let you know that do not worry I promise I WILL NOT kill myself. I tried sure but I am not strong enough to do that. Besides my paranoid me thinks that it would make other guys happy and I do not want to give them this satisfaction.Honestly I do not know what I expected from this. I do not know if I want your help because I know you cannot help me. But I tried everything. Psychologists, psychiatrists, telling friends, group therapies, fucking taiwan mantras to calm my mind, tropical teas and herbs to soothe my mind. Nothing worked so I just thought fuck it let us give it a shot. Maybe miracle will happen. do not know what else to do so I just leave it up here",Depression +7852,"Let me begin by saying I have lots of self confident issues so exactly one month ago I talked to another girl with pictures that was not mine basically I (catfished her) and the sad thing about is I fell in love with her just yesterday she found out and told me she hated me and I confessed everything and she said to never speak to her again. Even though I was truly in love with her. I have been popping pills non stop due to this, and I just hate how god made me so fucking ugly. To the point I have to lie about who I am. Or Ill never catch anyones attention, I have already slit my wrist and I am planning on blowing my brains out with my sisters gun. I am just tired of waking up and being me. I am sorry guys. I do not want this anymore, so finally decided to take my life.",Suicidal +7853,"Yesterday was the straw for me. My councillor had already advised me to try them because I just keep spiralling, getting a boost from our session and then it all going out the window before the next session. I do not have any fuel for the fire, I think there is something biological going on. After a vicious breakup and being just unable to make any ground for the last 7 months. Struggling with the constant voices in my head, minor jobs just being overwhelming have been the run of the mill.But yesterday I flat out insulted a close friend. The only one who had really been there for me. He got a girlfriend just as I lost mine. I am full of bitterness and resentment. I have always been a good mate, never want to step on toes. It was completely out of character and like watching a car crash in slow motion. Trying to push people away out of fear? Out of mercy because I think I am just draining to know? I have no idea.I verbally attacked him and his girlfriend who I have never met. Even talked shit because she had a kid with some else after they split and he went running back and looks after someone elses kid.But anyway, called the doctor today. Got some anti depressants to hopefully help. Really scared of losing my libido, but the horniness and want for my ex has also been torture. So maybe not a bad thing? Just less on my mind hopefully. Got my anti depressants. Absolutely dreading it.",Depression +7854,"Hey everyone I apologise for the triggers I know it is sort of against the rules but I really need to let some stuff out. do not read if you get triggered easilyI really need some help. After being closeted for about 7 years, I told my parents who I still live with that I am nonbinary (I am 19 and Amab if that helps)They did say it was okay. They are fine with make up and accessories. They do not want me to dress how I want because of my little brother who is almost 10. I feel like I cannot fully be me and I feel so trapped. I just feel like I cannot fully embrace me. it is bad enough that I cannot go to work how I want (I am a auto mechanic they would rip me to shreds) and I do not have anyone to do it with because I broke up with my girlfriend because of how she was treating me. My friends all ditched me during my toxic relationship.I am just sick of feeling confined to my room. They are forcing me to wait 3 years before I can but by then I will not be as young any more and have more scars. My teeth are already going to shit. My backs getting worse. I have been only sleeping for around 3 hours a night regularly. I just want to be me. The breakup and stressful job is not helping too.I am over all the heart ache I have felt. I have been hung, I have been bashed for hours, I have been burnt, I have self mutilated, I have been called so many names under the sun at work, at school, by my own father. And all I want is to feel pretty because I have been through so much shitty stuff, work so hard to the point I ingest shit tons of chemicals out of necessity my arms are so cut and bruised.I cannot even get that?!?! All because of my brother. Because they are scared of him saying something to his friends then him getting bullied or him being influenced by me..... I am just so over life atm I do not even feel like myself, I am in pain all the time, I do not sleep any more, I am always stressing. I really just want to be me. I am so confused about me and my girlfriend right now. My cars are falling apart. Thank you if you read this, I am really struggling if anyone could leave a bit of advice I would appreciate it so much. I feel like I need to do something to fix all of my life.... it is a mess.... I feel like ending it because my parents will not fully accept me being nonbinary *trigger warning*",Suicidal +7855,"So...I feel unsure about posting this because I am not sure if it is too good to be true... or maybe people will not believe me. But I think I am going to be ok and I want to share what I think really, finally worked. I have major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and C-PTSD from years of childhood sexualising abuse and violence. I drink too much, I hate myself. I have always had issues with needing an outside substance to numb that pain. Drugs, booze, sex.... you know how it goes. The last few months have beeny worst. I constantly thought about offing myself.Last December I contacted a clinical hypnotherapist about help to cut down my drinking. I connected with her instantly. We spoke about why I drank and my past came up...as it does when you have seen a many health professionals as I have and are used to going through the motions. She talked to me about a process called The Richards Trauma Process (TRTP). it is 3 sessions. Session 1: stop self sabotageSession 2: address and leave behind the traumaSession 3: set yourself up for the future. It does not retraumatize you. I have done EMDR, CBT and years of talk therapy and they all retraumatise. Who wants to go through those events again??I did not do anything about it until 4 weeks ago because it cost $1200 and I had quit my job. But I was finally in a position to do it.Between Sessions 1 and 3 I have gone from severe depression, severe anxiety and moderate stress to ZERO depression, zero anxiety and severe stress. We figured out the stress was due to my new overwhelming desire to take care of myself and being a mother of very young children... that is quite hard. So Session 3 we spent on managing parental overwhelm. Tonight my kids were little shits and I did not care. I was fine. I did not snap. I did not cry. I did not descend into a panic attack like I have so many times before. I waited for them, then we did puzzles and listened to music. Oh...and I went for a run this morning for the first time in months! I do not even know myself and it is insane to think about. Who even am I without trauma and mental illness. I think of my abuser and he seems insignificant. I look back on my trauma and it evokes no physical reaction. No knot in the stomach. No chest tightness. No heaviness in my body. it is as if I am looking into someone else's life. Not my own. I hope this helps someone. It has brought me back to life. TRTP - Holy shit.",Depression +7856,"it is going to be a long one. My parents have a tough relationship and I am very used to them quarreling. Since when I am about 16, they got into a particularly big fight which I witnessed many arguments. Although they never fight physically or used foul language, the way my mum talks is extremely offensive, degrading and condescending. My dad tends to be the weaker one in our family and would be the one who compromise usually (though not easily). I did not realize how have all these affected me until I got into university (I am 21 now) and lived on campus, never once thought life would be so stress-free and peaceful without them.Since I am small, my mum stemmed the idea in me that I must compete for her love with my younger brother, and for a long time I disliked, even hated him, possibly because of all the constant competition and comparing going on. An example would be that if my mum and I are in an argument, she would verbally express affection for my brother and make sure I know she favors him over me. Although probably my dad and my brother disagrees with her actions, her long-time dominant role in our family made them turn a blind eye in these cases.Going back to my parents, in the middle of almost all of their arguments, my mum would definitely ask me to take a side and have to condemn my father outright. If I do not do so, she would make me a villain as well and I would have to apologize or get scold at later, although the matter of the argument does not relate to me at all. I hated to be squeezed in the middle of their fights and would often cry and scream for them to shut up. Very hurting words like ""you should just go die"" ""your dad does not want you anymore"" or ""it is all your fault"" still rings in my ear although years have passed after them. Probably a few months ago, I found myself getting extra irritable to noises, and not once I got so irritated I almost cried when a friend is talking to me (though I had a long day). I also noticing having more frequent thoughts of skipping social settings and wanting to just curl up in my bed. In addition, I also have stronger feeling than ever that my boyfriend would just leave me, again for no reason. (it is another question which I always ponder at, whether I am insecure in romantic relationships due to my family or past experiences, since my past bad experiences could be related to my family too? but that is for another day)Then recently, I cried in a restaurant eating with my parents since they would not talk to each other nor to me after quarreling about trivial matters. Even if my mum would respond to some of my questions, it would be expressed in a sour and rude manner. I just felt like I am being treated like shit for nothing. Sadly, although they both saw me crying, they pretended that they have seen nothing and carried on with their lunches in silence. I could not stop crying and ran away, which my mother came after me saying things like ""why do you have to make a big fuss"" ""you did not stand up for me when I was in an argument"", etc. I did not look back and went straight to my boyfriend.Days after, till today, I still have bad mood swings that made me want to cry in public, feeling empty anger that I do not know the reason of. I am tired even though I slept a lot and did not want to talk at all. I have been through phases like these years ago but never this strong. What is my problem and should I get help? What can I do in the meantime? Thanks for getting through this whole thing, as english is my second language, I hope the grammar is not too bad. Thanks all I think I have depression but I am not sure, can anybody help?",Depression +7857,"Hello everyone. So I am bipolar, in a depressive episode. I can work although hard, and I go home and stay in bed, and weekends I also stay in bed. I wish I could break this cycle but my meds did not start working yet. How to cope? Any insights? I am depressed and I work and stay in bed, this is all my life",Depression +7858,"currently I am on the beach (lol I hate going to the beach) and I fucking need to cut myself but not superficial cuts, deep cuts in which you see the deep cut made by the blade and blood flowing all along the arm. I FUCKING NEED TO FILL MYSELF WITH CUTS AND BURNS PRODUCED BY CIGARETTES... Also I am becoming more and more apathetic; I cannot feel more affection for anyone...I can only feel hatred and indifference towards other people, even those I loved them. FUCKKKK I HATE THIS SHIT, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE EVERYTHING, I WANT TO DIE, FUCKKKK. Being at the beach makes me feel even more uncomfortable, all the people stare at me because I am full of cuts... WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE IF I CUT MYSELF?! FUCK YOU, I HATE YOU, WHY ARE YOU STARTING AT ME?!? But the most annoying thing is that every time I sh my parents break the balls and tell me things like ""you have to stop it, you are ruining yourself"" or even ""think about the future, if you do not stop no one will want you"" I WANT TO DIE OK?! I do not GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE FUTURE, ALSO BECAUSE I do not WANT TO GET THERE. My mom has also started teasing, making jokes about my cuts and making me uncomfortable in public. I HATE YOU MOM <3 YOU ARE ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I CUT MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR EXISTING :)I hate my dad too, he also makes me uncomfortable by making stupid comments about my cuts. I made a huge mistake deciding to go on holiday with them... I want to go home, please someone take me away, PLEASE...I NEED TO CRY, I cannot TAKE IT ANYMOREoh, one more thing, right now I am alone, I do not have any friends anymore,they all forgot me. I am just surrounded by people who want to pay me to fuck. The problem is that I need money because my parents does not want to pay me for clothes and food, so I will probably start this ""career"" even though I hate fucking and besides I am a lesbian so doing it with males makes me uncomfortable. that is another reason why I want to die, I have become a whore who prostitutes herself to pay her lunch and her clothes and that cut herself to feel ""good"".I became a human scum, I want to commit suicide without suffering but I do not know how the fuck to do... is there a way? TW//DESCRIPTION OF THE CUTS//MENTAL ILLNESS//PROSTUTION",Suicidal +7859,"Like why do not take a big loan from bank or somewhere and then give it so someone in need before you die or spend it yourself? You will be dead already so they could not get that money from you. Or if you want to commit suicide with let us say shooting yourself but do not have money on gun, the you can get a loan and buy a gun and do what you want. It just clicked in my head :D. Life hack, or should i say ... suicide hack xd. Why not take a loan",Suicidal +7860,"a couple weeks ago my therapist told me i was self sabotaging myself and now i always think about it. i seek everything from within myself. i do seek validation from others but i desire validation from myself more and i cannot seem to find it because i continue to constantly put myself down and degrade myself. if i do not like how i look, then I am ugly. if i do not think i can draw well, then i cannot draw. if i think I am dumb then i must be dumb. i feel like such a insignificant person yet i want that person to love me. its unhealthy and i cannot get out. its all my fault that i am this way. I am the only one who can fix it but they think they can if i tell them a way that i cannot even find myself. Self sabotage is eating me alive",Depression +7861,Is there something I can do to stop from feeling so utterly alone ( I have friends and family) but I feel so alone. Nothing I seem to do helps me. I work outdoors so I am in the sun. I just do not know how to deal. And things are getting worse I am starting to not want to leave my bed I really do not want to eat tho I know I need to. I game a lot but I feel as if I use it as a distraction to keep my mind from further spiraling down. I just want to know what can I do to help bring this around Just down,Depression +7862,"I tried to kill myself again. You know I think I was close this time, I was coughing and almost blacked out and the thing is NO ONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED! Why??? Because it sounded like I was just coughing and I have asthma and shiet so nobody gives a fvck. But of course I am a fvcking wussy and could not keep my hand just a little longer to actually fvcking die or black out at least. Since there is no one else that would listen or care, I will tell you. Its kind of funny actually! Today was actually supposed to be a happy day! But the world likes to fvck me over, so here I am. Here I am, after receiving an award for my 4.76 GPA for the 9th time now, alone and wanting to die more than ever. I feel stupid for thinking Ill ever be happy, I will not. This world does not want me and frankly, I do not want it either. Yet it seems the few things I wanted in life do not want me either. In the end Ill be left behind, with no one. 28/07/21",Suicidal +7863,"I am a 15M. I smoke weed as a way to cope with my anxiety and depression that gets worse at night. I also use it as a way to fall asleep easier. My dad found my weed last night and told me he was dissappointed, he said it is not a good way to deal with things. He said he cannot force me what to do or what not to do, but he trusted me enough and handed it back to me. I do not know what to feel about that. Right now, my dad is also having troubles with my mom, and sadly my little sister got stuck in the crossfire. My dad is barely talking to anyone like he used to. He does this very often. When he gets angry, he shuts himself off and does not talk to anyone. He probably has a mental illness of some sort, he is a very complex person. My mom once told him to go see a psychiatrist but he refused to because that is just how he is. He does not have a good relationship with his own father, which might be a because or something.I also recently got diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety and got prescribed with Lexapro. I have been taking them for a week now. My mother is the only person I can always talk to but I cannot tell her about the weed thing because I got caught before in school and she knew. I want to explain to my dad about everything but knowing that he is the person that he is, a part of me also does not want to open up to him. he is a sensitive person, something so slight can trigger him to the point of shutting himself off from his family. Smoking weed has always been that barrier between me appreciating life and jumping off a cliff. I do not know if I should continue smoking or not, I feel so guilty if l smoke because I know my dad is probably stressed about this situation also. I am pretty well known in my city, I know alot of people but that does not help either. I cannot trust anyone at all. I have only 2 real friends, my best friend and his girlfriend. I am so young, I do not know why I am feeling this way, it is so overwhelming. I just want to sleep all day and never wake up. I want to kill myself but in a way that noone would be sad about. I know there is people that care about me. My mom does. My dad does. My friends do. But when you are suicidal, nothing really even matter anymore. I feel like I cannot take this. it is so overwhelming. I just want someone to read this and help me understand myself better because I barely know myself anymore. I hope someone reads this to the very end",Depression +7864,"My happiness do not matter at all, as long as you feel good about yourself. Its you. Its always about you. It must be always about you.You made me fear you, and that made me hate you.You were never proud. You were never proud of me, of us.I was never content in everything I did because you made me feel that I was never good enough in everything.You made us run away. You made me want to run away from home, especially from you.You made me want to abandon all of you. You may seem a good person to the world, Mom, but you are a terrible parent.",Suicidal +7865,"I am trying to get back to normal. I am trying to get out of bed. I am trying to be happy. I am trying to find another point of view besides feeling disappointed when I wake up the next morning. I am trying to stop hating every second of this pitiful excuse of a life. I understand you are tired of hearing that I am trying. But if I do not try |one more time| then Id have nothing left keeping me here. I am out of reasons to keep me here. I feel like I am caped in this hollow body of a girl I used to remember. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded just how broken I am. I see her face and remember how happy she used to be. I remember how full of life she was. She was a ray of light and sunshine, and I am reminded how dark and empty her eyes now are. Her sleepless nights are leaving their trail under her eyes. The loss of appetite has diminished her wardrobe, all the clothes she used to love to wear- now fall off her body. I am reminded she is empty and the walls are caving in. The walls in this body get smaller and smaller I cannot breath, I feel like I am suffocating and no one even understands. I am right here dying slowly and you cannot even see. This is a torturous cycle and I do not think I can try anymore. I am so tired. I am Trying",Depression +7866,"They are meant to cool one's mind but in my case they heighten the levels of Stress, anger and anxiety. Video games gives me stress and anxiety.",Depression +7867,"Does anyone else here feel the same where you think that if you were able to cut the memories out of your mind that you obsess over, you would finally be in a place to get better? I constantly want to forget everything that I have been through. I believe that if I am able to forget, Ill finally be happy.I black out every time I drink, and I do whatever drugs I can put my hands on just in hopes of permanently altering the images that swim inside my head. At this point I would not be surprised and am indifferent towards whether I wake up. I just cannot stay sober with my thoughts and memories because they ruin me every time. I just want the numbness to consume me because living this way is my own personal hell. I close my eyes every night and I see/feel the family and friends I have lost, my so is who have hurt me, and the pain that I have continuously had while living in this volatile emotional state for too long. Praying for Amnesia",Depression +7868,Sorry for bad english and if I cannot post these things but maybe can someone drop some goods methods to end myself? Painless way to end myself?,Depression +7869,"I think I have been depressed for so long now, I do not know any other way to be.Been fighting my depression for so long, I am starting to think that depression is all I am capable of feeling.Anyone else experience this? Gotten used to being depressed.",Depression +7870,"I have not been diagnosed with a mental illness nor pretend to have oneI just feel like I have ruined my life and I feel like Its too late to change anything I have stopped doing any sports because I feel likr I will let the team down, I always get terrible grades at school and have trouble staying concentrated I feel like I will not be able to get a good job in life or get any job now because of this I cannot sleep at night because i think about what my future will be and how much of an incel loser I will become my friends never want to do anything outside of school they just want to play video games i was a shy kid growing up and was scared to talk to people or make friends. I am never going to get a girlfriend I am too shy and My personality is shit and I am fucking boring I just hate myself and want to press the restart button on lifeThis probably sounds pathetic downvote all you want I feel like i have ruined my life",Depression +7871,"I feel like it is just over when I failed university, what do I even do now. Apply to another one? Like my parents had said but from them, it feels more like the degree worth more than whatever is there to do. I do not know, I feel like my scope of the world just constantly shrinking and I want to just end it. I am useless. ""you are young so have more energy"" does not apply to me, I feel like I am mentally had given up on myself long time ago. cannot do anything well, well enough",Depression +7872,"My family just begged me to go with them somewhere and spend some time together. I wanted to go so badly, but felt paralyzed and could not even get myself to change into something else...... Anyone else felt this way? Like you want to do something or go somewhere but you just..cannot? I absolutely hate myself when this happens because I am disappointing them and being ""antisocial"" Feeling paralyzed",Depression +7873,"I hate myself, I hate how my face looks, how my body looks, I hate having to look at myself in the mirror. I hate that I have never done anything impactful, I am a disappointment to my parents, I will never be able to do what they expect from me. I hate having to try and hate myself less, only to get frustrated and hate myself more. I have a decent amount of friends, the majority of them would not even be considered fake friends, I just feel like they because more problems than good. None of them have my back, I honestly do not have their back. I do not feel comfortable opening up to them, they would just laugh or at least laugh behind my back. The one friend I feel comfortable opening up to still has many qualities that seem toxic and two faced. Everyone only cares about themselves and is not the nice person they claim to be. I just want to block everyone, when I am surrounded by people I feel even more alone. When I am by myself I still feel alone. I have to listen to music all the time to distract myself from the voices in my head telling me how worthless I am, I cannot talk to anyone about how I feel, even if they act sympathetic I know they are chuckling to themselves eager to go tell their friend about how pathetic I am. Just a rant",Suicidal +7874,"Nobody give two shits about people who bring no value to them. This is something we as suicidal people know the most about. Everyone, including in some cases, parents (in my case at least), do not give two flying fucks about you, your presence, or your life, unless your value outweighs the mental costs that they have to ""undergo"" to be around you. however, the second you show any negative emotion, they are the first ones to shit on you, to belittle you, and negate all resemblance of emotion, because they would rather believe their made up reality, rather than understand the truth.What kind of a shitty person would rather kick you to the curb, in order to save face, rather than help when something goes wrong.My mother has openly stated that she only had me when she found out I was a boy, because of her being the youngest of her siblings, and that she was the one who bore the first grandson to my grandfather (we are an Indian family who moved to the US before I was born, they had me and my brother, then we moved back because my father had died), and apparently that was a big deal to my grandfather.Its got me so fucked up, that I literally feel the need to justify my existence by picking up skills that will be useful in the future (I am good with computer, I tinker with linux a lot, and I can disassemble and reassemble a laptop).What kind of parent justifies this but saying that it is right to own me simply because I was born to her. What kind of parent belittles their child to the extent that they do not even fully comprehend the effect of what they are doing.I am done with this life. I am done with this existence, and honestly, I am done with this universe, knowing that no matter how many times I die and am reincarnated (wishful thinking, I know that when I die I am just going to be erased from existence like I never even mattered), that there will always be another person who is going through more than I am. Nobody gives two shits",Suicidal +7875,"I am a 24 yr old male with depression, anxiety, seizures, scoliosis, and schizophrenia who graduated in 2016 and still living with my parents. Since then I have made no progress.I have realized that School was the easiest thing in my life.I had jobs but I could not keep up with it because of my mental and physical illnesses got in the way. I tried signing up for college but I was afraid of messing things up for myselfMy first dream was to become an MMA fighter but due to me having brain surgery to remove seizures, I do not think I can ever achieve that.Throughout my life I was always called ugly even by friends, girlfriend, and family.I live in a godforsaken area where there is nothing for people my age to do I have never have had a serious relationship and I am still a virgin.Sometimes I just want to end my life but I cannot find the guts to so.Also I do not think I will be able to survive in the Real World. What can I do to survive on my own, have a relationship, find a new dream career, and live in peace. Every since graduating High School my life is ridiculously hard",Depression +7876,"I am still unsure about whether or not to kill myself but at least I have prepared this for when/if my family find out. I plan on visiting the train station soon, now let us see if I am brave enough to jump I have written my suicide note",Suicidal +7877,"I am no longer in love with my partner. He still loves me and wants to make it work but I do not see a future with us. I think it is a matter of when not if. I still kind of want to make it work though, we have a child together. Our daughter does not live with us because of our jobs and the hours we work but she lives with his mother and step-father. I feel like if I leave him I will not get to see my daughter much and ruin that relationship. We have been trying to make it work for 2 years now (daughter is 2y/o) but we just keep going in circles. it is not good it is not bad, just fine. I want more than that.I also cannot financially move out so I just feel stuck and hopeless. I do not know if it is worth just keeping on going and pretending everything's fine for the sake of our daughter or taking a risk and leaving in the hopes I will be happier. I am stuck",Depression +7878,"I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17, I completed my bachelor's somehow but I just can not study the way I used to before my depression. I am 21 now.My family is asian so studies had a lot of pressure. I was smart in school, got 94% while graduating HS. Then depression took over for 3 years, home life was kind of shitty with parents fighting constantly and then mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Now I just cannot study for the love of god. I procrastinate, cheat in exams and laze around all day. I am quite active, I love sports, reading and all the other stuff. I have enrolled for grad school and I absolutely cannot take a break because I need that degree to get out of my house.Anyone going through this? Please help me I am unable to study after ""recovery""",Depression +7879,"For 1 and a half years i got an array of health complications including hair loss/ brow loss. Went to get my test results for my cortisol/testosterone and thyroid which all came back normal. I am lost as whatever i was facing signified a health issue. Got referred to the best dermatologist in my country, but i have to wait 6 months, Just to get an appointment with him. My life is just ebbing away due to this various complications which affect my confidence and having my self esteem plummeting to god knows where. Accompanied with my suicidal thoughts from this whole mess which seems never-ending. I can barely look at others in the eye in these days as my brows are so sparse and i would stare at the ground whenever someone near talks to me. Just when i thought i was given a chance to bloom, i wither once again but this time i hope it shall encase my grave with the petals of my former self as remembrance of the times where hope still sufficed. I cannot take this shit anymore 17M",Suicidal +7880,"Will I change my mind once I do it? If anyone has tried but failed, why did that happen. I know you should do it vertically and that is basically it Is wrist cutting successful?",Suicidal +7881,"look, i do not want any sympathy or anything i just want to vent. i am a 21 year old male asian male born in the UK who is a current university student doing psychology with criminology which is great and all but that is probably the only thing going for me and even then, i do not know what I am about to do with this degree. anyway, since covid has hit, I have been at home back with my parents since 2020 and been literally doing nothing. i do not help pay rent, no part time job, and a constant mess in my head. i am diagnosed with severe social anxiety and that has been getting in my way constantly. it is hard for me to make friends, I am scared of job interviews so never go through with them. i only managed to open up with others when i am drunk, other than that, i only have 1 friend left that i can speak to quite comfortably. i fear rejection, i am an attention seeker and constantly need approval from others and this really messes with me. thing is, seeing others who have jobs, people going out with friends having fun makes me jealous. idk what the because of this is, I have always had an overprotective mum who does not allow me to do a lot of things and wants me to tell her everything that i do as if i need her permission. i was not like this when i was younger, i was the chatty one causing trouble but ever since around 14, i changed. now that i think about it, it might be the racial abuse i received during 14-15 and that may have knocked my confidence but who knows. I am so useless",Depression +7882,"I am so close to giving up. I am trying to hold out until my birthday, which is only a bit over a week away, but each day its a little harder. I keep thinking of self deprecating things, or methods to end it. When something good happens all I can think about is that I do not deserve it, or that it will not last. I am sick of it, I want it to stop. I cannot see any other way out and I am scared.I still want to try to get to my birthday. I am this close, may as well make it the full way. I am so close.",Suicidal +7883,"I do not want to be dead, I just do not want to live in this world. I love being conscious and being able to experience existence but this world has thrown nothing but pain at me time and time again. Life here is so mundane and unfulfilling. Its such a sick joke. I wish I did not have to waste away here. I want the freedom to live a life that I was meant to; one that does not have to be perfect, but is fulfilling at the very least. I am constantly thinking that if I die here, maybe Ill be able to start anew in a different world. But there is no way for me to know. I might just cease to exist. As sucky as that may be, I can accept it, since my pain will end along with me. But I do not know it its worth putting my family and friends through such a heavy loss. I do not want to fade away. I do not want to stop existing. But I also do not want to stay here. I wish I could just go where I was meant to go. I want to live a life of my own image. Please. Someone help me. (Repost because I need help) I do not want to cease to exist. I just want a new life.",Depression +7884,"Nothing around me gives me joy anymore, I am always depressed, sad and waiting for this pain to end.. aaaaaaaaaa fuck this... I wish i had died earlier but it is never too late I am always so sad and empty",Suicidal +7885,"I hurt everybody around meI just want to end myself, the world will be better without meI'm sorry you all idk why I even post this, I guess I am looking for help in my final momentsBye I cannot anymore",Suicidal +7886,"I had been very anxious about certain aspects of my job and have been avoiding it for a long time.I was being paranoid and let my fear because me to freeze in place.Well today I overcame that fear and said fuck it. I checked emails and replied to my customers and now I am getting back into the groove of work.I was depressed for months, unable to even stay awake. I slept 12+ hours a day for nearly 2 months. I could not break out of that rut.I am not even really sure what changed today. Maybe it was anger. Maybe it was accepting that I hated how my life was at the moment and I was done staying in place day in and day out.But I wanted to share an encouraging story. Sending you all strength. I hope you find the strength to make it through another day and get even the smallest task done.If you do, make sure you give yourself a good pay on the back. Proud of you for getting out of bed. For brushing your hair and teeth. For making that phone call. For cooking that meal. I did some good things today (depression victory)",Depression +7887,"Help only works for those who help themselves. I think I am just not cut out for the life. I think I had enough. I am just inherently incapable of doing anything in life. I want to sleep forever. Sleep is the only thing that does not hurt. Except that every second of being hurts. I always try to fight it back and remain optimistic. But I think this is the time. This is the feeling. it is a signal from Universe to me, this feeling. That I am a mistake and I deserve nothing. Because I just cannot put efforts in anything now. I feel ashamed that I do not even have courage to end my life. Maybe this is my fate to just suffer. Suffer endlessly without any ability to stop this suffering. At most I can distract myself from this misery by sleeping. But even that seems to be out of control. I can only sleep when I can sleep. Hope I made any sense atleast. Help will not work",Depression +7888,"I do not want to be dead, I just do not want to live in this world. I love being conscious and being able to experience existence but this world has thrown nothing but pain at me time and time again. Life here is so mundane and unfulfilling. Its such a sick joke. I wish I did not have to waste away here. I want the freedom to live a life that I was meant to. I am constantly thinking that if I die here, maybe Ill be able to start anew in a different world. But there is no way for me to know. I might just cease to exist. I can accept this, but I do not know it its worth putting my family and friends through such a heavy loss. I do not want to fade away. I do not want to stop existing. But I also do not want to stay here. I wish I could just go where I was meant to go. I want to live a life of my own image. Please. Someone help me. I do not want to cease to exist I just want a new life",Suicidal +7889,"Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this. For awhile now I have been struggling on how to resort my negative and overwhelming emotions out..journaling and reading has helped but its not enough. I just get caught in wanting a distraction from my unwanted sad feelings. Anyway, I just cut myself for the first time. I do not know why I did it, but it feels better coping this way, as I feel less stressed out after. I do not want to keep doing it but now it is very..tempting. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +7890,"I just cannot anymore. Its not worth it. Everything is so bad I am not even going to wait until my 18th bday. I feel like I cannot tell anyone. I am not in high school anymore, I am not going to college, my therapist ghosted me, it is not worth fighting anymore. This is it. I cannot anymore",Suicidal +7891,"it is not because I do not want my family to suffer. it is not because I want to live. it is because whenever I failed at something I was looking forward to, I found out that some other rich kid had connections with ""the company' so of course they got the scholarship instead. that is the way life is. If there is anything I learned over the last few years, is that nothing in this planet is that nothing is designed for your well being. People will fuck you the fuck up just for fun. So yeah, I want to die really bad but I am not planning to just because I was not born with the privilege of having a better life. I am letting my parents have their moment so I will live against my will until I am dead. If reading horror stories, dating chicks I barely know, and binge drinking is what makes me happy then so be it. The reason I do not kill myself is because the system is corrupted to it is core",Depression +7892,"I have had extreme chronic pain for 6 mouths causing me to be suck on the floor. When this happened I was too weak 2 except that it was bad I did not even explain to any ones that it was so fucken bad . I have had surgery and am physically better now but, I am manically anxious and the depressed and want to die I have no personality, I am not even sure what I injoy any more. i do not want to get out of bed do not want to go to school do not even want to ride my bike, I have nothing now but so much. I do not want to be like this anymore but I do not want to kill my self. Why fucken why. I think I am on the way to fucking doing it. I hate everything and everyone but I really fucking hate myself. I have been like this since January before this I had aspirations and goals and really good life. I am so fucking privilege I have people who love me, so I feel even worse that I am like this because I have no fucken right to. And even when I feel I cannot stop myself from thinking will not why the fuck do I want to go to school why do I want to live why do I want to have ambitions, just to get a job and be miserable. I cannot sleep. I know what will help me but cannot do it. I scared that the injury is going to come back. So fucking frightened of the pain. The worst part is I cannot even ask or agree with someone when they can give me help. Like I want to tell someone that I fell this way but am afraid. How do I get better",Suicidal +7893,"So, I am not exactly capable of getting mental health help since I am in the weird bracket on pay where I make too much but not enough at the same time. I have tried for over a year very diligently to figure out what is exactly wrong since I have felt out of place since my relationship of 3 years ended (it ended in 2015, I know forever ago) my wife passed away a year ago and the circumstances were just to give me a fat middle finger on her way out. I do not understand where to start to begin what I am feeling but it is not happiness, it is painful and it is nerve wrecking. Where do you begin?",Depression +7894,2 years ago i got my first job and think that i could get better and decided to resign becauae i cannot stand the enviorment... turn out I am just a uselles human being... 6 month search job got nothinh and covid happen.... no job until now... and last years i lost my brother to a heart attack so suddenly i feel my responsbilty to my mother doubled i feel pressured i feel useless i feel like piece of shit.... i thought time will heal me but it did not... i start crying everynight even though I am a grown up man... 1 time my mother see me cry and she got hospitlized because got stress see me crying so i stop doing that. I Start to cover all my feeling cannot talk to anybody because any body in my collage got a great job and i never had a friend in first place i guess. so i cannot contact them.... sometime i wish this is ending so some night i try to strangle my self and hope it could end. But my hand could not do it... i just pussy ass bitch... affarid to continue living and also affraid to end them. All this shit i write is just my only way to express all my feeling that almost burst... writing this and knowing maybe someone reading it make feel little relevant.. idk even what i talking about right now... hope you not going through what i going through Nothing will get better,Depression +7895,"So suicidal again. Find a building and jump off it. Make sure its at least ten stories so I die when I hit. Who will be sad, who will come to my funeral? Will people just move on and belike oh he always struggles, hes in a better place. Or finally I do not have to deal with that overgrown man who hated life and only brought misery and upset to everything and everybody. Just another day for me. Just another day",Suicidal +7896,"hello, I just wanted to say that i want to kill myself before school starts which is august 15th but i think i need to double check that. I am going through a nasty breakup, i really loved her but she did not feel the same way sadly. my friends do not talk to me anymore, I am just a burden to them. I am not sure how I am going to be able to kill myself, i just hope i can find a way to do it. i can just tell school is going to be rough for me and i just do not want to do it. i have nothing going for me at the moment.not even sure if i want to do this but I will see how I am feeling tommorow when i wake up and i hope I will be deleting this post i want to kill myself before school starts",Suicidal +7897,Someone want to talk to me on the phone for a little before I go to sleep Feeling feelings,Depression +7898,"I am on the verge of doing it and I am a useless piece of shit anyways. I cannot spell, I am failing school and I am stupid as fuck. Give me one reason why I should not go and hang myself in my back garden.",Depression +7899,The first time I had my youth ahead of me.The second time I had my partner at my side.This time I have nothing and nobody but myself. I have been this depressed three times in my life.,Suicidal +7900,I cannot take the pain anymore. I want to slit my throat or eat a bullet; anything to take the pain away. I am literally only alive because I do not want to hurt my husband and my dad. I am borderline spiteful that I cannot end my pain because I do not want to hurt them. I am thinking about visiting the gun range soon. I just cannot take this anymore. Why must I continue to suffer for the people I love? it is not like I am worth mourning anyways. Why does their potential pain override my constant suffering? I think I am done. I need to end this before I bring kids into my life. I could not do it after that point. I need to die. Interesting title,Suicidal +7901,"it is hard. I am finding even when I am barely waking up, my mind is already off to the races. In this constant search for some form of answer or conclusion as to where my inner critic became so harsh and what caused it.it is like my brain is constantly quantum computing, trying to add up the traumas, the emotions, all these images that reside in my mind. Scanning, calculating, trying to figure out the absolute source but I know deep down there is no ""one source"". That does not stop my brain from trying before that critic starts to scream some more. It will not be long, but maybe I can track it. Figure out the reasons it surfaces but sometimes it just seems to be from nothing at all.it is a scary thought when your brain turns against you. That saying ""depression is like living with a body that tries to survive and a mind that tries to kill you"" I am paraphrasing because I do not know the exact quote but you get the idea. Take a breath",Depression +7902,I have always hated myself throught my 17 years being here. but i never really know if I am actually sad as fuck all the time or doing it for attention... hearing everyone talking about their past and traumas makes me feel like i honestly have no right to be suicidal and sad. I am honestly going crazy trying not to end it all here. all of my pillars of support are in different schools and i barely see them as much as i used to.. now i spend my days in my own school barely talking to anyone and leaving straightaway every time my teacher dismisses us. yea sure i have a boyfriend and i know that i can always talk to him but i still feel so alone. am i bad person? am i faking it..?,Depression +7903,So my fiance has came to a conclusion that I am not worth her her while. What can I do to keep myself busy? Fiance cut everything off,Depression +7904,Sometimes i am afraid i might actually do it. When my thoughts are becoming serious i do not sleep in my room and just sleep in the living room. I am afraid of what i can do. Everyday i think of ending myself,Suicidal +7905,I hate myself for everything I had ever done in my life. I think this could help me. do not question it. Just imagine the person you hate most in your life and say all the things that you wanted to say him/her. Just let it all out on me. No limits. Everything is permitted. Roast me as badly as you can,Depression +7906,"Instead of these swirling, ferocious emotions nibbling at my heart and mind.Its these slight pains and aches in my chest, thinking about the world and who I am.My confused emotions are still there, but now they are getting fainter and dimmer. But still just as cruel.I am coming to the realization that I am a nobody, with nothing special to give, no talent, no skill, nothing monumental.I am just a dipshit with a pencil that looks like a child infront of professionals and aspiring artists.Watching my classmates go on with their lives, in college, living life to the fullest, being happy with family. While I am sitting here waiting for this extra upcoming semester to actually graduate... like a fool.My social skills are nonexistent, no wonder I have been dumped by people and shoved to the side by previous friends. No wonder I push people away as I regress into the deep crevices of my cracking mind.Do I exist just to torment myself, and have those around me use me as a doormat.Why do I even exist? Why am I still alive.I am just waiting for when I am all alone in a shotty apartment with a shitty job. Idk how ill do it, but it will happen. I will be disconnected from everyone, nobody will know I had done it until my landlord checks up on me and sees me.I just have to wait... wait until I am out of here..It makes me hopeful, my only point in this life is to kick the bucket early on.Took me this long to genuinely realize it.I wonder who will be the next me...Me as in the person I wanted to become, a great artist, a humble and gentle person, a soft and timid heart, a kind and sweet smile...Well, I guess that is not actually me..I do not need help anymore, I feel contempt..So why am I posting here.. Thought I would never be back",Depression +7907,"why did i let him convince me i can trust him? i feel fucking stupid nothing more humiliating than trusting someone with your depression because they promise they will always stay with you, and then they leave lol",Depression +7908,"I (F16) feel like an outcast, and an unwanted one at that. All of my peers seem to be interested in different things but I cannot find anything in common with any of them, because there is nothing interesting about me (I am also socially awkward big time so that does not help). Its so difficult for me to find friends and form romantic relationships. Like I said there is nothing interesting about me, I have got no skills (a couple hobbies maybe but I am not good at them). In addition to that I am not that attractive. My meds have made it hard to manage my weight and my face is just 4/10, if I am being generous. It just feels unfair compared to all the attractive girls who attend my school. I know what people say, that its good to be different. But what if being different feels lonely? there is more to this but its 5:15 in the morning and I am tired. I feel like an outcast.",Depression +7909,"I go to a clinic and get psych meds, see a psychiatrist and a therapist. The therapist only does talk therapy and avoids major things that have impacted me, like the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, various other traumas, the bullying. Just ask me about the week and never really offers anything helpful. This has been every therapist I have went to that Medicare covers. what is the point of more therapy and what is the point of this hellish existence. I ready to move on now. I no longer care. Real therapy cost money I do not have? what is the point?",Suicidal +7910,"""you have been procrastinating from more than a year you piece of shit! And now that ur responsibilities r buttfucking you, you r tryna blame lockdown, covid and isolation for this huh? How big of a coward you are, you deserve to die. Nah wait, you thinking about suicide from a few months? you coward tryna exit ur problems like that? Ever thought how ur family will feel? Oh you r such a selfish coward, you definitely deserve to die. I think you were born evil, an absolute madman, go die you fucking piece of trash, you will die regardless. And now you posting this paragraph on Reddit to get some sympathy huh? 17 year olds have nothing to be depressed about, it is all in ur head. you r responsible for every bad thing that is happening, yes I said you! Been isolating yourself from a year, who needs friends huh? Just go lock yourself in the bedroom again and pretend to be good around others. you told ur parents but they do not care, no one cares for you, you ugly fat motherfucker, no girl will ever like to be with you. you deserve to die. Just fuckin' die and end this shit once and for all. ""I honestly do not want any sympathy at this point. Ik I am responsible for everything, I have been responsible for everything that has went wrong with me. guilt and shame r going to kill me someday, I guess that day is coming soon. I am sorry that I made you read such a long paragraph that does not even matter(does not even make sense, I am just insane. No, I am just a dramatic piece of shit) . I really hope you all have a nice day ahead. To all the people suffering with any type of mental illness, I hope God gives you the strength to survive through it, I believe you r strong enough. Once again, I am extremely sorry for my rant. I have just gone insane maybe(nah tryna push my responsibilities once again). Just downvote this post. Peace Just Fuckin' Die",Depression +7911,Is it normal to have no friends as an adult? My family keeps yelling at me because of it and its getting quite annoying they are really mean about it I am miserable,Depression +7912,"Having depression and/or anxieties can fck you up so badly that it changes all the life you have now. How can you accept the things that you cannot change? Things you know will have consequences in your life, things that you cannot just simply ""move forward"" and ignore because it is affecting you now and will affect you later. Nevertheless, you do not have the option to act for a change because it cannot be changed anymore. How do you act upon this feeling? Knowing that no matter how much you want to improve and move forward, it is already part of your life. It cannot be changed nor ignored. It cannot be glorified that ""it is an important part of your life"" because you know you are much better off without them. How do you deal with this in the right approach? How do you accept the things that broke you forever?",Depression +7913,"I do not want to die but i want to live even less, so the best option i have is to end this i think. I am just a bit worried about my girlfriend and what will happen to her :[ I just want it to stop",Suicidal +7914,"I am done with my life. I just want to end my life. If only I had enough courage to do that. I like the idea of nothingness. No hunger, no thirst, no chores, no thinking. that is it",Depression +7915,"i do not feel anything anymore....i used to love and care about everything but got hurt so much that i used to wish that i could be like those girls who did not feel anything. Now my wish finally came true, i regret making that wish... Now that i do not feel anything, I am doing everything to feel something.Cutting, smoking, having sex. i cannot feel anything anymore.I am so numb i cannot cry anymore i do not feel any emotionsi just wake up, work and drinki wish i could go back back to when i could at least feel something.. numb",Depression +7916,"Hi all,The last few years have been awful to me. Although I am 19 and at a very good university, life is so tough right now. I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago, not because of any external factors, but just because me lmao. My family has always been fine, and we are close and supportive, and my friend groups over the years know what is happened.The past 4 summers, however, have been awful and I am losing everyone I love.3 years ago, I had a complete mental breakdown over my thoughts spiralling, and nearly committed suicide. I did not tell any friends about this, and was too mentally exhausted to socialise over most of the summer, and I lost many friends by just not seeing them.2 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was sad as any breakup is, but was made worse by false rumours she had made about me. We broke up just entering into summer break, and that summer was really tough. I worked on myself over summer, but I became very anxious about what everyone thought about me, and I lost a lot of my humour.Last year, of course covid hit, so we were in lockdown, which was isolating. Just to add fire to my already depreciating mental state, my dad was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer in April. Thankfully that is one of the safer cancers to have, but I would not ever wish the experience on anyone. Over this summer, he had rounds of radiotherapy and scans and it was so stressful. I joined uni later this year and, although I made a fair few friends, my dad was always on my mind and I could not enjoy myself as much.This summer, I have been framed for a completely horrid allegation, and the investigation process is so painful and mentally exhausting. I am trying my hardest to stay positive but it has taken away my social battery completely, and once again, summer has not been kind to me. To add to this, my dad had gotten a recurrence on his cancer, and his voice box had to be taken out, and he was in hospital for 2 months recoveringHas anyone else had years of just horrible stuff happen, and what advice can you give to try and get through all of this. Also, what professional help do you think would be appropriate (I have tried antidepressants but i did not like them) Sorry for the long read, but thanks How do you look past all of the bad things life gives you",Depression +7917,"I read notes my parents wrote me when I was a baby in a last-ditch attempt to make myself cry but I could not. My brains shutting down it feels like. I have nowhere to go. I am an alcoholic now. I failed school and I have been fired twice, the second time being my birthday. I tried to hang myself last year and I am ready to try again. I am tired and this hurts. I am tired and this hurts",Suicidal +7918,"i broke up with my gf bc i hate myself so much and i was constantly stressed about trying to make sure she could not tell that i was fucking miserable. i have a hard time telling the truth about how bad i need to kill myself and how awful i feel all the fucking time bc nobody wants to hear this traumatizing shit irl and nobody can tell that I am depressed anyway. she did not make me happy but nothing makes me happy lmfao. my psych thinks there is nothing wrong and I am sick of gaslighting myself and feeling insane and hopeless, so I am finally ticking things off my plan. breaking up with her was always one of the last things on my list of things to take care of before i finally attempt. anybody else just feel fucking insane?? i cannot even believe myself at this point. everybody thinks I am fine so why do i feel so fucked up nobody thinks there is anything wrong so i must be crazy",Suicidal +7919,"Maybe the song Achilles come down has it right.it is just so weird how people treat relationships, how easily they discart it for something ""better"" how much being with someone gives you hope until it is just another reason to commit suicide, not like a broken heart will necessarily make you jump, but for a time in my life I even tried pursuing a relationship because I know it never works with me, because I knew they made me want to kill myself but it was never enough, and it seemed that no amount of birthday wishes would bring me closer to not existing anymore.But you know, despite all the bullshit, the little broken pieces of me i left scattered behind and just giving up on everything I still manage to stumble into someone I love by accident, and this one is truly special, and different in a way none of my relationships was before. But it just makes me wonder, how ironic it would be if it just broke appart and left me so much less than the little I am now, if hope and love just serve as entries when the main dish is always misery and hopeless, and I wonder, if everything falls appart again, will I just be someone looking for hope like an addict looks for his next fix or will I be lucky enough to never wake up again. Love is such a scary thing",Depression +7920,"I feel horrible all the time. I do not have fun with anything like video games, friends, going out, or even with family. I just try to pass time anymore. I have an amazing girlfriend and I am scared of losing her or myself. There is nothing wrong in our relationship and she loves me lots. I still feel lonely though even with family,friends, and my girlfriend. I grew up in a shit household but I do not want to blame that no matter what I do I cannot break the feeling of sadness. I do not really know how to describe it but I hate myself and do not feel worth shit. I am scared to say anything to my folks so I am making this post. Sorry if there is bad grammar I do not feel worth anything, I do not want to die but I do. I do not feel like I should be loved",Depression +7921,"I miss my children,They are the purest form of joy in my life,I questions my actions constantly,Am I doing the right thing?Can I ever be happy?I do not know, I do not think that mattersLife has never been purely 'happy' for anyoneHow to I protect my children?When do I stop protecting them?How do I let go?Is it self loathing or narcissism?Do I still fear death?My pain, is not always hurtfulMy feeling of agony is a releaseBut it also turns on meDo parents only love children because they are a part of them?Is there a way to protect innocence without crushing it ?Is this making any fucking difference right now!!!Why do we all want to feel connected but ignore people? How much pain is enough?How much pleasure is enough?If there is no perfect way to do this, why bother still living?I do not give a fuck if you think the journey is the answer....I finally enjoy scream metalShould I be worried?!?Lol Not all silver linings can be reached Sometimes conceding a loss can be your only chance of winning If violence is not the answer....Why does EVERYONE use itMy parents where wrong But I came from a good placeOr did it?Did I fuck up worse then them?Can I save it?I thought God existedNow I am not sure and if he does I hate him Or her, or themHate is strong wordI'm being melodramaticOr am I?People kill themselves over this shit Lack of pure unadulterated expression You will not let me get my evil out There has to be a process of transmutationTurn my tar like bile into liquid gold Maybe I already have, my childrenThats not fairTo put hopes and dreams onto the shoulders of a child Acceptance PatienceDisciplineThese virtues can help meLoveDo I know what love is?Not really, unless with my childrenI would die for them, so I can live for themI wish I could talk to a father just before he commit suicide to see what his mind state it I am selfishBut everyone is selfish, to a degree...can I reach a place of giving freely again?Do I post this online?Is that not narrasscitic?Who fucking cares!?!?Hmmmm You do, on want people to see themselves in this ???? Ramble??I have more questions then answersAnd my answers could be soooo wrongPlease love me, human. Xxxxxxxx",Depression +7922,I have been enduring this for too long and got no one to talk to. I literally just made a reddit account just to have somebody to talk to me. I need help or advice or idk just help me tf out of this. I am so confused and mad right now. I do not even know what to say. I already planned how to end it all and was already done writing my last note. Idk who to blame. Actually no. I think I am the one to blame. I have been a very temperant and easily irritated person. Making everyone in the family dislike me. And also i have not been doing good at school. Not because I am dumb but i just do not see the point at all. My parents have been comparing me to anyone they see that is better than me (basically everyone lol). I also dislike me. Idk how i became like this tbh. it is like I am always mad and not interested. I am rlly tired of this. Waking up just to sleep. I cannot remember of a day that I am not imagining my death. Or idk maybe I am being dramatic. Either way I am rlly tired of everything and confused. that is all. I am sorry this post is kind of messy. it is just my thoughts at the moment and I am just rlly confused. Help me please. I do not know what to do. And i already want to end it all.,Suicidal +7923,"I am struggling to get past a traumatic event (that was due to someone else's actions) that made me disabled.I believe this is the sole because of my depression. I cannot get past it and I keep thinking about what life would have been like if it did not happen. I want to stop thinking about it but every morning I wake up, that is all I can think about.Hope you are all having a good day.Take care How do you get over a really bad event that happened to you?",Depression +7924,"Gee I never thought about that. you are absolutely right, I spend days at a time feeling like this because I want to. I absolutely want to kill myself for funsies. Its definitely not a crippling feeling of helplessness and despair. As a matter of fact, I will get rid of my asthma by just breathing. I will get over my pollen allergies by simply not sneezing. I will take all my ailments and get rid of them by just doing the opposite of what they prevent me from doing. Thank you so much for curing my depression. Seriously, I fucking hate ""just be happy!"" People with a passion. It feels like they are just blaming you for your depression because you do not want to be happy enough and they bestow this knowledge on you like its something brand fucking new. Maybe I am overanalyzing it but even still I wish people understood it more. Maybe if people made an effort to understand we would have a ""cure"" or something right now. But for now we are stuck with people with perfect lives and pristine mental health telling us to just not suffer from chemical imbalances. ""Just go out and be happy! Go do things you like! Enjoy your youth!""",Depression +7925,"Just do it Nobody will care Nobody does care I do not matter Not good enough Just stop I do not deserve loveThese thoughts go through my mind constantly, every day. I hear them nonstop. Always hearing that I am no good and I am not good enough. Its true. I do not have any value in this world. Someone once commented something along the lines of everyone deserves love and kindness, to which I have a question. If everyone deserves love and kindness, then why have not I gotten any? If everyone in this world deserves it, then why am I alone right now, with no one? Unlike everyone, I do not deserve love and kindness. Instead, I should be hurt and used and insulted and criticized. that is what I have been my whole life. Abandoned. Left behind. Forgotten. Blocked. that is what I know best. Thoughts",Suicidal +7926,"Sometimes I feel like I may be able to help others and really demonstrate support and care but I just cannot get the words or ideas to say it. All can do is read you pals and gals knowing that you are probably much younger than me ...when I did not know of this sub existence that has helped me a lot through very nasty moments.I am sorry, I really am. I wish I could come on here and say something useful.",Suicidal +7927,"Everyday i get more and more lonelier. I have people around yes yes but not someone who is my person if that makes sense. Is it so hard to ask for someone that will be your support, comfort, best friend. Someone who keeps me going, helps me get out of depressive episodes. I just feel like I am going to go crazy and if i see one more person happy with their person I am going to cry. AHHHHH",Depression +7928,"I have been living alone for about 8 years now. My main source of socializing came from going into the office, but that is pretty dead now and most people want to work from home. Also the work is shit now so I am trying desperately to change jobs.there is a lot of different issues happening all at the same time and giving me massive stress. Throughout all of this I am trying to combat PTSD and doing everything in my power to not self harm or jump straight to suicide. I kill the thoughts immediately.ButI'm slipping. I have to give a little bit in some areas to compensate for others. And I keep having to do it, so now the thoughts become longer and more enticing and grip me.I am so fucked right now, I cannot even self mock and laugh about it. I have been trying to cry and it does not work. Quick one",Depression +7929,I was about to graduate in the coming week with my PhD. I have been suffering through depression for past 2 years now and one year back my then gf of 5 years left me stating this is not what she signed up for.I am at the end of my funding and I cannot afford to pay for another semester. I deserve this because I could not fight through my depression and now its my time to pay my dues. I wasted time and resources trying to get my head straight but what I should have focused on is my PhD. Being an international student in US its difficult to extend my student status with enough financial backing.I just wanted to post and share it because I have been trying to keep all this inside and its been suffocating me. I feel like a disappointment and a burden on my aging parents. There is no worse feeling than being a burden on your parents. I just feel it would be easy if I did not exist. 28 M looking for some support,Depression +7930,"This is kind of just ganna be a thought dump I guess, but its something I need to put somewhere so it is not festering in my head.I do not really understand myself anymore. I have not in a really long time, I do not even remember a time where I could accurately describe how I am feeling. There are times when I am with friends or by myself and I do not necessarily feel happy but distracted and I like that. I have heard people say, ""I keep myself busy, I do not give myself the time to be sad"" but its just more complicated than that. It is not just sadness; its anger, self-hate, and a strange emptiness I cannot describe. Even when I am out with people, speaking with them, even when I am distracting myself with some type of work, there is just this sense of hollowness.I used to be the type of person that thought things would always work out. One way or another, they had to right? They do, until they just do not anymore. Nothing works the same, and realistically I know that is because of me. There are moments, just the briefest instants of motivation I have to force things to work out. To really put shit in place and buck the fuck up, ya know? And then it just disappears and I am just at such a loss. I do not remember when I first thought it, but sometimes things just do not work out. I realized something was not right a few years ago. I have thought about death since middle school, really considered it hard but I would snap out of those funks pretty easily back then. Up until I was 20, I figured I did not think about suicide anymore than the next guy or girl. Besides what did I have to complain about? There are people that are much worse off. I was working at a bingo place at the time and was just so mentally down. I had this little post-it note that I wrote a ton of things on, they were basically ways that I would off myself if I ever had the chance to. It was meant to be kind of like an angry letter, you write it and then throw it away. Some closure or dumb shit like that. Well my manager found it and we had a pretty awkward talk. She was kind of a hard ass, the type to just bug the hell out of you over really small thing, but there were times where she was really nice. That was one of those times. Anyway, I told her that there was nothing to worry about I was just 'in a mood'. She did not tell anyone, thank fucking god, but its where I learned that thinking like that was not actually normal. I do not work there anymore, I quit not long after that. It was just too strange for me. I felt like there was always this strange look in her eye after that. I wonder if she would show up to my funeral. there is honestly a lot more I would like to share, but I do not want to make this any longer or stupid than it already is so I will wrap it up. I want to see a doctor, I need to see a doctor but they are so fucking expensive. I want medication, BUT I cannot GET IT. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I do not want to look up how I can die painlessly anymore. I do not want to debate how much longer I want to give myself anymore. I wish I lived in Sweden or somewhere that had euthanasia, that is not as scary as a gun and a rope. I want to fix my brain.I am sorry. I know stuff like this does not really help those that feel the same, but I needed to put it somewhere. I needed to exist beyond my house. I am not posting this for sympathy or pity, just for me and me alone. The same way people carve their names in trees. Although, this is much longer than a name. my brain",Suicidal +7931,Sometimes I just sit here and cannot figure out why we live. Why do I exist? Our individual lives are so unimportant so what is the point of living. I just feel so lost sometimes. I do not know what I want to do for school and even if I did I have no motivation to do it because in the end what does it mean. I do not know I am just struggling to find purpose rn and I feel like my presence just does not matter. Nothing really does matter Do you guys ever wonder what the purpose of life is.,Depression +7932,"I am about to turn 18 and I am not ready. I never planned on getting this far, living this long. That selfish desire to end it all is still there but I am too afraid to do it. I look back at 15 year old me, feeling almost the exact same way, and wish I would had the guts to do it then. If I had not taken years to dwell on it, years in which I have acheived absolutely nothing, done absolutely nothing, I might have been able to rest and find peace so much sooner. I felt like I have not slept in years, my relationship with food is only more horrendous and the only thing that forces me outside is an exercise addiction. Whatever momentary happiness I might feel when I watch a good film, or see a fox in the evening, does not make any of this worth it. I have not felt true joy in so long, I do not think I even remember what it means to actually enjoy life.I have completely wasted my teenage years. I have spent them inside for the most part, isolating myself from people and trying to sort myself out on my own. I cut people off, and other people got bored and left, and now my only good friends live thousands of miles away and I will probably never even get to meet them. I know this is my fault, and I should have tried harder to connect with people, but I just could not. It felt impossible to hold onto those who mattered. Now I watch them all, on Instagram, going about their lives and having a great time, and I am so happy for them, but I am also so selfishly jealous. That happiness they have is all I have ever wanted. If I could throw away everything I have, but be free from mental illness, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am so exhausted. I do not even know what I am doing anymore. I am about to turn 18 and I have wasted my teenage years",Depression +7933,"Its been about 36 hours, since i eat or drank anything. I am not really hungry or particular thirsty with a slight abdominal pain. I think Ill pay my rent and go to sleep soon. So nobody bothers me I think i found a peaceful way to die",Suicidal +7934,"I was born with meth in my system,my mom was going to abort me but my step-dad decided to intervene.My biological dad that I have never met was a depressive loser with a little dick and I inherited everything from him but his tallness.I grew up homeless essentially,we got to stay at my great grandmas house alot,but the majority of my childhood was spent in my step dads Chevy k5 blazer.Throughout my life I always moved,whenever I would make friends and gain a connection,we would leave,it left me numb and unable to form relationships, with the abject poverty and constant drinking,partying,domestic violence every night, and a mom that never hid anything from me, I had to grow up quickly. By 10 years old I had already told myself that I was ready to die, not that I wanted to,but I was ready.This made me really unrelatable to my peers,I acted like a little old man and never got to experience a normal childhood.By my high-school years everybody thought I was a crackhead because I was always nervous,my clothes were dirty,and I never had good shoes, this led to me accepting that I was a loner,but I am full of social desire.All this made me really cold and unfeeling on the outside,I am really bad at expressing my emotions and anytime someone is fighting or in an argument I revert to the same frozen state of my childhood.Fast forward to now,I am 20 years old and I am the only source of income in my family,my step-dad has been in prison for 3 years on a 15 year bid. My mom has alot of health problems but even so she refuses to work or get disability,her constant drinking worries me.my 16 year old sister lost her mentor when her dad went away,these last few years she has been following my mom's mold,smoking cigarettes,dropping out of school,doing nothing.I work 48 hours a week and when I come home I am 100% occupied by serving others, I have no future, no personality, no ambition, I do not even have my license yet,I am just spinning in circles going through a deep cycle of depression and coping mechanisms.I am fat and short,have an odd shaped body and just generally ugly, I have no redeeming qualities physically,I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror,or work up the courage to find a GF and be loved,but I get awkward around girls I like and make things weird.I have no purpose.No place on this earth I bought really sharp knives on Amazon, but I do not want to be in pain and reflect on my life as I lie bleeding out,I am waiting to get a gun so I can just do a quick shot to the head and get I over with,no more bad thoughts,no more missing the countless friends I have left behind in the 30+ schools I went to as a kid,no more pain, no more me. Sorry,do not mean to give my life story,but I think it is relevant to why I do not want to breathe",Suicidal +7935,"I have let fear and insecurity lead my entire 20s. here is is what happens after 10 years.I did not think about what I wanted to do because thinking about myself and the future was terrifying. I could have pushed myself trough that discomfort but did not. I ended up doing two majors I cannot get a job with. Or even like to do. I told myself I would, but deep inside it was not for me. I have adhd and generalized anxiety disorder.I did not make many friends because of my crippling self hatred and insecurity. I preferred to be alone.Yeah I hushed that fear by thinking everything would come to me by itself. I was raised a very lucky kid. I think that is why I thought it would all be ok, like everything up until like 25.We had a beautiful house in a very nice neighborhood, a second house, could practice anything we wanted, never had to worry etc. I would say my parents are kind of elitist. I had all the opportunities in the world.Now I stand on my own legs and can barely pay for anything. Next to that I have lost the things you lose at 29. The excitement, parties, friends, something to look forward to. Part of my looks I literally have nothing that gives me joy.I am so lonely. I am so regretful. The dead end.",Suicidal +7936,"my whole fucking life has been full of mental and physical abuse ever since i was a kid weird shit has been happening. been abused by my moms bf for 15 years after my dad left from doing something that fucked up the whole families reputation and flow. i was like 4 so i barley remember him. but i do remember he was a POS just for my mom to get another piece of shit 2 weeks later. my whole life I have been subjected to violence and mental torture the shit they used to do and yell at each other is unremarkable and kids should not beim out of energy. i should have jumped off that bridge but things turn full circle. full circle back into where i got broken in the first placethe only thing that will make me feel better is going off the grid leaving this phone behind and becoming homeless. my mental health has been decreasing. and there nothing i can do about itshe kept me locked away inside for 2/3 years 2/3 FUCKING YEARS OF A TEENAGERS LIFE WHO THE FUCK DOES THAGthen she glt another POS after she broke things off with the other abusive shit. I have gotten into fist fights for 16 years straight. not a year I have missed without seeing violence. and its taken a toll out of me. and now that its just me my sister and mom. they think they can act like nothing ever happened. like they did not expose me to shit that would make a normal person blow their fucking head offshe touched me sexually as a child and I am younger so she is fucked up in the fucking head. i hate her i hope she fucking dies. she is always nagging at my flaws and what i cannot do in life. all welll knowing i cannot confront her about it same with my mom, she fakes mental health to escape responsibilities.she was fine when we were not living with her. now that were in a tough spot and have to live with the person who broken us in the first place . i cannot handle itwe have no more family. i do not want to look at them or talk to them anymore man I am fucking tired of it. they deny everything i been throug. I have never had anyone to express my feelings to. all the while they had enabling bfs to go and run to. they will never see their greedy fucking actions only what I have ever done well guess what you are going to fucking regret what is coming you stupid bitches I do not deserve the shit I have been getting for years by my blood",Depression +7937,"Lately life has not been the best for me , I have been avoiding my family and ignoring their phone calls because I just do not want to talk. I miss family events because I do not want them to see me and ask why I am not okay. Everyday I wake up a wave of grief and depression just wash over me and I hate it. Everyday of my life is a battle and I am getting closer to my edge. I feel like my life is going no where and that the best thing for me to do is just end it all , I obviously did not succeed in this life therefore there is no point in being around just existing without a purpose. I try to talk to my mom and to my brother but they do not understand, they think its not as serious but they have no idea the turmoil and pain that goes on in my mind. I have so much PTSD from my life. In 2018 my grandpa , cousin and brother all died. My brother was killed by his friend on his own daughters birthday and my cousin was murdered at a red light in Los Angeles. that is not even the tip of the iceberg. Throughout my life I have lost so many friends and family to gun violence and I hate it. I grew up going to funerals and seeing my loved ones die young . I feel like I have the same fate in store for me and I am just waiting for the day to come . I never liked living in this world and feeling all this pain and having no one to talk to . It just sits in my head all day . I know no ones going to see this but I just wanted to get this off my chest. Sorry for bothering. Just please check up on your family members when you know they are not okay. Sometimes a small thing like asking someone if they are okay is the difference between them ending their lives and them not doing it Trapped in my head",Depression +7938,"This is just a rant. While my highs are not high, my lows and very, very low. And its creeping back in. I am unable to comprehend how random and chaotic my mind is right now. And the only way out is the easy one. How can I be the bad guy, how can she hate me more that her abuser and her molester?What burns me the most is that hes gotten away with it, now hes happy with a new born. I am sure she is forgiven him, but I know she will never stop hating me, because my existence is a reminder of the guilt and betrayal she inflicted on me. Every time she thinks about me, she cannot accept the fact that what she did was wrong. But people will defend her. She was manipulated and abused I know her well, well enough to know that even now when she touches her self she thinks about him, the memories they had, how good it felt, the rush and excitement. And deep down she does not regret it. I cannot stand the fact that in her story, the one who loved her. I am the bad guy. Its creeping back again, and the only answer is me leaving this crazy world",Suicidal +7939,"there is a million different reasons why. I am autistic, I was bullied throughout my school years and emotionally abused by my parents at home. I have never had any friends and i was kicked out of school a few months ago. I do not even know what is going on anymore and I am scared. I feel like i might kill myself in the next few weeks",Suicidal +7940,"I am asexual (which means I have no sex drive and feel no sexual attraction) and I will never have a romantic relationships because of it. I have schizophrenia, dissociation, depression. I have had a horribly traumatic brain infection which gave me PTSD, I had a benzodiazepine overdose which probably gave me a brain injury (do not know if it did, I have been postponing the MRI). I have an abusive father who used to beat me. I was bullied and excluded in both primary school and high school. I have 1 true friend. Yet my relative said about me that I am the most kind person she is ever met. I do not deserve this crap. There are probably some more shitty things I forgot to list because, well, brain injury... Wow my life sucks",Suicidal +7941,"I am 18. I cannot even bear a thought to even live anymore. Everything has been taken away from me. When I was small I was sexually abused by my cousins multiple times. I have told my parents but they shut me by saying that I am lying. I am still confused about how a 4-year-old child will lie. I was abused till the age of 10. Till now i stutter to talk to older men. Then I work way up in my studies. Even got declared as a good student in my district at the age of 11, but I manage to get only 6A 1B in my UPSR. (UPSR is a Malaysian-based examination for students at the age of 12). I did not lose hope and studied hard. In class teachers used to praise me being a smart student but only to get lower marks in exams. I do not know what is wrong with me and my examinations. Then PT3 happen and I got 6A 4B. I got into science streams. 2019 was the worst year for me would be an understatement. I was accused of cheating, stealing stuff by a teacher. I was removed as the head prefect of my school and president of the red crescent society of my school. I was falling into depression. I started to skip classes. Thoughts of hurting myself have always been in my mind. At the end of 2019, all the accusations thrown at me were proven wrong but people still treated me like I am some kind of a bad person. I just want everything to end but my friends always stop me. So in my last year of high school, I studied hard, despite the pandemic. I worked my ass off. My friends were worried about me. I just wanted to get out of my house and pursue my dream job. I wanted to become a doctor. In The SPM examination, I got 7A 3B, and 2C. ( The Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia, or the Malaysian Certificate of Education, is a national examination taken by all fifth-form secondary school students in Malaysia. ) I was exictied and thrilled, except for my parents who were angry that i got 3B and 2C. Well i applied for Matriculation in my country. Unfortunately, I did not get in bcuz my country has this quota system where only 90 % of Bumiputera ( Bumiputra is a Malaysian term to describe the Malay race and other indigenous peoples of Southeast Asia, and used particularly in Malaysia. ) while only 10% of Non-Bumi are allowed despite being a citizen of malaysia. I was very disapointed. I wanted to pursue A levels but my family denied. So i went for the second best option STPM, ( STPM is a pre-university examination in Malaysia. ). I got in science stream and i was happy. I later found out my parents have changed my stream to arts as they want me to become a lawyer. I wanted to become a doctor. When i ask the school administrators for advice they told me i cannot do anything. Nothing can be changed. I feel numb. I feel the world has stopped. I feel nothing is meaningful anymore. I feel my life has ended. I wanted to end all of this paain. I cannot bare anymore. I do not want my friends to feel guilty that its their fault. i just want to dissapear. I cannot handdle this pain and toture. i just want to pursue my dream but there is no other way. I feel i am going to hurt myself. I do not know what to do. I feel the world has stopped and I just want to dissapear",Suicidal +7942,"Since a child I have always neglected food. I am in my 20s (m) and was hoping Id grow out of it by now. I am quite thin and forget to eat regularly. I tell people I have eaten when I have not, sometimes I buy food just to satisfy others and secretly throw it out. My stomach always aches and hurts, I am not sure if its the lack of food or what is stopping me from eating (I think both). It kills me to see my family and friends, who constantly offer me food. Anyways, I have been to over 10 specialists doctors (probably more like 20 honestly) and spent over $5k trying to get help but cannot seem to get over this. I think its partly medical and mentally related. Anyways rant over thanks. Any advice greatly appreciated (and yes I have tried medicinal cannabis and lots of pharmacy meds). Body",Depression +7943,"I need to be dead, but I cannot bring myself to commit suicide. But I made a plan, a week ago, and at first I wanted to wait untill my sister leaves for uni, but I do not think Ill be able to make it for this long. I honestly never thought it would come to this, I said I wanted to be dead, I prayed to die countless of times, but always thought I am too much of a wuss to actually kill myself I am not so sure anymore. I cannot keep up a job. I started working now after almost a year of sitting at home, but I am already breaking down and had panic attack before and at work. I am living with my father even though I will be 21 soon. I do not even know what to say and how to explain myself to others anymore. I have no future, no plans, no nothing. All my energy goes into trying to survive, into getting through the day, into not killing myself. I cannot deal with people. I have severe social anxiety. No one understands me, and I cannot do therapy because I just go mute everytime. I am terrified of going to the doctors. I am not even registered with a GP. (I am not from the UK) I have taken Fluoxetine, Lamotrigine (when I was still in school, likely as a misuderstandimg because I would not say anything, and I would miss my appointments because my mother would not take me there) and Sertraline (last year, privately, through online appointments because I am incapable of going to a real doctors office) and none od them worked. They made me feel nauseous and gave me headaches. I also went through an episode of unexplained joint and bone pains, that made me lay on bed and cry from the pain. I have trouble sleeping. I had times where I did not eat much, and now I am overeating and bingeing, cannot get myself to cook real food or clean. I got fat, and hate myself. I cannot stand it anymore. I am tired and want it to finally end. it is such a horrible feeling because I KNOW how I will die, I know I WILL kill myself. it is just a matter of time, I just do not know when exactly it will happen. Its hard, but I know I really do not have much time left because living is just unbearable. I do not know why I wrote this, but I guess it is good to get it off my chest or smth. Just a rant.",Suicidal +7944,"Hey!Our relationship seemed to have been going really well, but then out of the blue she ghosted me for almost a week, then said she cannot be in a relationship and that she cannot feel anything. she is been suffering from depression throughout our entire relationship, but I just could not help. She does not want to get medical help and I am worried about her and I just cannot bear the thought of losing her. I am still in mad love and we are actually on good terms. I want to be there for her and I want to help her fight her depression, but it is very very painful. What should I do? My girlfriend is depressed and says she cannot feel anything anymore.",Depression +7945,"Ok, I know this is a hot button topic but I was screwed when I was 12/13 and have had to register as a sex offender since then. I am 38 now. Original conviction happened out of state, and if I were in that state I would not have to register anymoreI know its a hot button issue, but if there is any criminal attorney that would be willing to provide me with advice Id greatly appreciate it. Clearly, I am poor as hell - otherwise Id hire someone to deal with this.And please do not judge me, I was 12/13 when I signed the confession because the officers said I would never see my family again if I did not, and when the court finalized it I was 15. Then a few years ago I was raped for the third time, and from that experience ended up with HIV. I just do not think I have the strength anymore. After dating a heroin addict, getting him help and watching him relapse - is that all I am good for? To be used and abused by everyone? My step sister, her friend, the courts, every guy I have dated, I am fuck it In my 30s and almost done",Suicidal +7946,"Severe content warning for mentions of eating disorders and emotional abuse.I have had binge eating disorder for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I would eat large amounts of food to cope with stress, as I have been in an abusive household my whole life. I have always known this was a problem, and I have tried to lose weight, but my eating habits feel uncontrollable. they have caused many problems, and in 2019, I was diagnosed with morbid obesity.I knew my problems were getting more grave than ever, and my parents rather than trying to help in any way, have scolded me, yelled at me and denied it being related to my mental health, and even denied that I had any mental health problems.It was not until late 2020 where they started taking my mental health even remotely seriously as I had a severe depressive episode that resulted in me not eating. I then got a professional counselor, and I was diagnosed with depression, general anxiety, and PTSD. I was prescribed prozac/fluoxetine to help with this. Even after getting therapy and professional help, my eating habits have not changed. Fluoexetine has also helped me gain more weight.Recently I have been struggling to breathe. Whenever I realized that my health has gotten this bad, I started bawling. I started to feel like my days are limited and that I am going to die before I could turn things around.Truly, I do not want to die. I have many friends I care for dearly and I want to at least live somewhat of a life for myself and escape my abusive home. However, I do not know if I will be able to make things better for myself, and I looked up the costs of oxygen, in which costs more a day than my family makes per month. Making me feel like I have no other options than to die slowly and painfully or by my own hands. tl;dr: I have had horrible eating habits since childhood that my abusive family has refused to get me help for it for a long time that have gotten so bad that they have resulted in breathing problems, and I cannot afford medical help so I feel as if all I can do is die slowly or end my own life myself. I feel like I am dying slowly",Suicidal +7947,"I honestly cannot remember what being happy feels like anymore . it is like I go a couple weeks feeling like I am happy, and then it all breaks down and I realise it was just a masquerade,and I have been miserable the whole time. I do not know if I will ever be happy again. ,it sure as hell does not feel like it. Happy?",Depression +7948,"I never understand why people go out of their way to put me up on a pedestal. Both people I know and strangers online offer positive reinforcement and encourage me to be healthy, and sometimes even go on to defend my actions. I cannot forgive myself and I do not deserve this kind of attention. I hate that I am ugly, I hate that I say stupid shit, I hate that I was the abuser, and I hate that nobody sees me as a worthless, unintentionally bigoted manipulator who does not deserve love in the slightest. Thoughts",Depression +7949,I have a rivalry and my rival is winning. Its causing me to spiral.My SI is out of control. I am so depressed. I cannot function normally. Its been 4 days,Depression +7950,have any of you guys cut before? Cutting,Suicidal +7951,"i feel stupid, I am not good at academics anymore, i used to have a lot of friends but i have zero now, i cannot even get up to go shower or go eat and all i do is hop on the game and play to lose and I am fucking tired of waking up with eyestrain headaches. my boyfriend does not like me, my best friend went to rehab, my other best friend moved an hour away. i lost everything and i know I am young and everyone says you are still young it WILL get better but it never feels like it does and everyone in my grade is moving on and I am being forgotten everyone else plays sports old friends from my middle school are in the council, they are cheerleaders and I am such a loser because i do not do anything. I am not good at anything, everyone else has a hobby but i have actually zero and I am pathetic and fucking dumb and i wish i could have the balls to kill myself but i cannot hurt my parents and I am too pussy to even hurt myself but I am stuck in my head I am hardstuck in life just like I am hardstuck in valorant and i cannot move on and i have no friends to hang out with and i just want to not exist, i wish i were never alive in the first place to suffer. i do not want to go back to school because its going to be the first day of high school and its terrifying and i cannot take it walking alone in the halls and eating alone in lunch, i lost everyone i ever loved because of my self sabotaging bs and its not their fault I am fucking annoying. i wish i did not care and i wish people on instagram did not post themselves going out all the time it makes me sad and i just hate how I am a no life. no one likes me, so many people blocked me and i do not know why and my only friends are online and it does not count, I am so jealous of everyone else andi wish iwere my old self. I am not pretty enough to have someone that will actually have a crush on me. i need to leave so bad. i wish i were still popular like my old self and life does not feel worth living without friends. nothing feels worth it anymore. cannot handle it anymore",Depression +7952,Tldr having chest pain due to insomnia so who knows what will happen Ngl ... I am tired ... I am tired of the waking hell I am in ... I am tired of feeling pain ... the constant reminder of not being lovable being sexy or being good enough... people tell me to love myself.. HOW CAN I LOVE WHEN I do not EVEN KNOW WHO I AM I have BEEN ABUSED AND USED FOR DECADES... IWAS BORN INTO THIS WORLD A MISTAKE NOT MADE TO DO ANYTHING...but I FUKIN THOUGHT THSY oh its Ok you will find stuff No NO IT does not WORK LIKE THAT ... wants to be a Disney employee DAD SAID NO I am not giving you money To join their college program I begin to like art and attempt to draw and take classes dad and mother proceedes to laugh and say what has classes done for ya there ... good thing its an elective no need to focus on art crap Wrestler - I do not want to help you get to classes even tho they need an adult to first sign ya up -back when I was 16 All my dreams ... my happiness... my little space ... everything is gone I grab what little is there as is and still I feel nothing ...as I lay awake with pain near my chest and inner thoughts swarming my mind . Idk what will happen to me .. but honestly... I am not ready .. I had a mission but I was stopped every time ....and I cannot keep up the fight ... I am sorry little brothers I tried for you ... so you would not deal with their abusive toxic ness honestly as I write now I will fight to stay up so I can help you .. but all I know is that I am proud of you mom you have begun to change .. very slowly... but I hope I can watch things change as well ... because our family name has been muddy so much ... bickering and fighting has wreaked our name though out the generation... I wanted to fight on and try to fix it ... but its a long process.... Family if you do find this I am sorry .... I tried .. but I guess being cleaned just was not enough .. I hope I can fight on lord ... I WANT to see my 60 to 70s no matter what my depression has made me say .... so I can let my brother live his best life I will not take my life Ill fight till someone else does .,Suicidal +7953,"Its been years, I tried everything and just when I thought I had gotten it slightly into control, with a good job, a great family and loved ones and even a better body. I still feel sad, and I am ashamed of myself feeling this way because I have got almost everything. Why do I still feel so empty. I am back here and somehow I feel ashamed of being sad",Depression +7954,"I am not sure this friend has depression. Honestly, he is going through a rough time as he dropped out of uni during the pandemic and decided to start a new programme in another city. But this process has been going on since a year ago.This friend is really dear to me and I would like to support him, but we never really went deep or personal in conversations. I am afraid of coming off as pushy or hurting his pride (I am a girl and he is a boy). Also there is pretty much no way of us seeing each other as we live in different cities. How can I support him or be there for him in a way that is not artificial and that does not make him uncomfortable? How do I help a depressed friend from distance?",Depression +7955,"I guess I am thinking more financially, like will mortgage payment protection/life insurance go up? what is the repercussions of a failed attempt?",Suicidal +7956,"I just cannot anymore, I am getting really close to ending it all, my parents are going away in a few days, and once I am alone then that be the time I say goodbye to this world. I am going to say goodbye to everyone very soon.",Suicidal +7957,"I have been battling ""The Big Sad"" for about 15 years now and I thought I was doing better. I stopped self harming, I had overall happier thoughts and did not even really want to die anymore. But lately, my suicide thoughts have gone from bone, to passive, to aggressive. I have been lying to everyone about how I feel just so they do not have to deal with the burden of it, I bought knife blades for the first time in almost a year for the sole purpose of using on myself just to feel SOMETHING!! I know my life is falling apart and I do not really feel like there is anything I can do about it. Almost every shower I have I come out of it with a new mark on my body. Almost every thought is how swiftly I can disappear and make sure no one acknowledges it. I do not know what to do or even what I want. I feel like my identity has been stripped away by depression. I have been a bad person",Depression +7958,Can depression be incurable????? Can depression be incurable?,Depression +7959,"Hi! I am new here. I have had depression before, but I recovered from it. I started to be happy, enjoyed even the smallest things. Everything was great, but I looks like I am getting back to it. Seeing others travelling, doing some fun activities in summer while I am just reading books and staying home all the time makes me feel like a total shit. I just do not see a purpose of my life when it is so boring. Why should I even live if I do not do anything good in my life and do not make any memories. Getting back to my depression.",Depression +7960,"I complained about a bill that did not make sense n my Dr office wanted to send a letter saying I am not allowed to go there anymore but that did not work out so then I get medical insurance they do not accept n they say it is illegal to pay out of pocket, so I am backed into a corner n have to go elsewhere, but my Dr being a good Dr referse to another office where I can still see the same Dr but they say they cannot accept my ins either. I might be able to still see my Dr if billing will work with me but otherwise iam basically getting booted bc I got medical assistance ( to pay for pregnancy n miscarriage related bills that were unexpected ). I am going thru a lot right now and just want to see the Dr I trust bc I have real trust issues n I honestly feel attacked by the billing people bc I disputed an error n called them out on it, and for that I am being punished and cannot continue therapy with my Dr of five or more years or get therapy at either of that drs office. I need help for real but I am scared to press things further bc I have already been punished for questioning billing. I just want to get help",Depression +7961,"what should i do when i feel so down, so useless and so uneeded. i feel like no one would miss me when i die because i am irrelevant. i want to be stabbed to death like everyone in fear street. fear street",Suicidal +7962,"I know exactly the day I am going to do it. There are several reasons why I have chosen this date. First, my best friend of 12 years is getting married and I will be his best man in November. Second, I want to see my family for Christmas one last time. I am going to drive myself somewhere relatively far and shoot myself in the head while in my car. I carry the suicide note I have already written in my wallet. I break down and cry every day. I think about dying almost every minute of the day. I do not sleep well, I will not eat for days at a time. I have lost all motivation and hope for the future. I am 24 years old and I have no desire to continue to live. I am only afraid that I will end my life before this date. I have spoken with suicide hotline several times this month. Only to keep myself alive until the end of December. I think about my plan everyday and its the only kind of mental relief I feel. I hope to die leaving my loved ones with good memories of me. Its hard to fake being okay. I am only staying alive for them. Unfortunately they are not enough to keep me going. I am certain I will end my life. I am going to end my life in December.",Suicidal +7963,"that is normal. Not. I have always hated myself and my life so much ever since i was a kid. Suicidal thoughts ever since i was a kid. It just gets worse the more i age. I am quite broken. My mind tormented and plagued by past trauma and existential crises. it is so appealing to escape the suffering of life and the suffering of my mind. I was planning to travel to some places i really wanted to see before i die. Like the pyramids and the great wall of china. But now I am wondering, why bother. I feel a bit like a coward in not wanting to go through with a painful suicide method like hanging. I just want to leave this world peacefully. I am not sure which method yet. Some kind of gas probably, that is always been one of the main ones i have been interested in. But there is still quite a bit of preparation you need to do for this method like obtaining the gas and then setting up the method. Whether an exit bag or something. Exit bag sounded good, but looking at people in them it seems a bit morbid now. Like your last moments of vision will be in a bag. I am not sure. I am researching about suicide methods on my birthday",Suicidal +7964,I think I am asexual unfortunately. I just want to be like everyone else. I want normal feelings. I hate myself for this. I want to kms. I hate this. I want to be normal. Why am I like this,Suicidal +7965,what is some hardcore drugs i can take? what can i overdose on?,Suicidal +7966,"I graduated with a BA degree in health in 2019, but took a break before I started to look for work. 2020 started with covid and the lockdown starting made it hard to find a job during that time. Even now it is hard finding a job that I am comfortable, let alone experienced with.I also have a small fear or talking on the phone that I just hate. I could do it, but I prefer not too since I know I am going to screw up on the job. I hate myself for being so weak and inexperienced Starting to get depressed because I cannot find a job I am comfortable with",Depression +7967,"it is photography. People would always tell me it was my calling. I have have captured a lot of moments for families. I have made good money too. Its helped me as a sahm (my fiance works but the side money always helps) I have been pretty proud of myself and my work that I have done over the 4 years of being a photographer. Here lately, it is just not been bringing me joy. My last two sessions I was suppose to have, have been canceling last minute after me spending money on props that they wanted. People taking advantage of my work. Being mean about things. And I am lacking confident in my work for some reason. I am not really good at anything else and that is the part that stresses me out about losing interest in it. I mean, I am literally not good at ANYTHING. I have tried many hobbies, it is just hard for me to be good. it is making me sad though, I want to continue, but I just do not feel like doing anything. I am lacking in a lot of things. I just feel like sleeping all the time. I am losing my passion in my favorite hobby.",Depression +7968,"My mum is an amazing person & I love her, I am an only child (15) & if I was to end my life it would devastate her to the point of suicide aswell.I have thoughts about wishing my mum was dead so then I could commit suicide without feeling guilt. Sometimes I even think about committing Murder-Suicide.Afterwards I always punch myself for thinking about such pathetic ideas & I hate myself for thinking about devastating a 53 year old woman who just wants to see her kid grow up. Am I a cunt for wanting my mum dead?",Suicidal +7969,"Skin veiled tightly, an accoutrement for ones bones Decay shelled with living Insentient and autolytic Antlers protrude timorously only to fold piercing within A poem I wrote last night",Depression +7970,"I feel better now. At least if I get the courage, people will get an explanation I wrote my note",Suicidal +7971,"Why do I get up, why do I want to do stuff. School is getting closer and closer and I just cannot do it. I cannot handle another year of trying. physically, mentally and emotionally I am exhausted and no matter what I do I cannot recharge. Why cannot I just have a normal life with a normal family and normal family problems. Why cannot I run away or ask for help. I am trapped in a mental prison that I put myself in. Why cannot I remember what day it is, but I can remember all the fucked up things that happened. Why did everything have to fall apart when I am old enough to understand everything. I want to yell, to let out all the shit stuck in my head, but I keep it in just to torment myself. I want to give up",Depression +7972,"It is really hard thinking of anything I would rather be than non existent. I am not the type to seek help, but I am empty. I am broken. I am alone. I am broken. I really want to be dead",Suicidal +7973,"I am so tired of this nostalgia crap everywhere. I do not want to be reminded of what I went through in 2005, or the extreme bullying I endured. Or my suicide attempt. I just want to move on and live in the current day with present day things. But no, life has other plans.I cannot escape my past when it is suddenly everywhere again. I feel like it is fate. I do not have any reason to live anyway. My life has been a waste, nothing to show for it. Just wish things would stay out of the past I do not to be reminded of. Sorry for the waste of time. Seeing things from the worst times in my life return makes me fall deeper into depression.",Depression +7974,"I am so fucking tired. I have gotten diagnosed with bpd a few months ago and its made how I feel and why I feel that way a lot clearer to me, but it does not make me want to end it any less. I have been failing in life and loosing all of my friends and I just cannot take it anymore. i really want to fucking kill myself, I am so tired thinking of ending it",Suicidal +7975,I have heard too many stories about people being on hold for a minute or for hours Tbfh you guys have helped me more than the suicide hotline,Suicidal +7976,"I am aware that Samaritans will call an ambulance if they believe I am in danger but can they call one If I do not give them my location or any details ect, like can they get the police to track my phone signal. Can calling Samaritan get me sectioned even if I do not tell them my location.",Suicidal +7977,"I am a minor with a mom who is fatphobic. I am being constantly told every couple of fucking hours how my thighs are too big, always told that i look like i gave birth to 9 children. She constantly compares our arms and saying mine was bigger than hers. That i have too many stretch marks. She always tells me that when I am an adult I would thank her for all that she is saying and i would regret my body so much. She just told me i was gaining a flabby big lower belly and i should immediately exercise. My dad is a bit better but i think that is only because we do not talk much, only a couple of times a week and 50% of our conversation is just him reminding me of how fat i am and how I would die of obesity. My sister tells me to 'just lose weight' as if i do not want to already. she is been skinny her whole life even when she eats even more than I do. It just feels like she is mocking me.I want to work on myself and i really do want to change. But i just want to lose weight when i am HAPPY, when i can love myself for who i am, where i do not need to wait for midnight to cry and vent mental breakdowns every night just so they cannot hear me. When I do not get anxiety every time i try to dress up because i feel like a whale trying to fit in barbie clothes.I am not even obese. I am just 10kg over the normal weight range for my age. And I feel like I can lose this weight when i try to. But I am just not in the right mindset right now. I cannot try and force myself to exercise without my self loathing getting even more intense when i see myself. I hope that people who says 'losing weight is easy if you just put your mind to it' sees this. I KNOW I am fat. I know i need to lose weight. I know myself and my body more than you do. I deal with more than just my weight. It comes with extreme self loathing, anxiety, and even depression. The mental burden we deal with cannot be easily cured by losing weight. So I do not need the constant reminder of how ugly and unhealthy my body looks because it just adds on to my existing self-hate. Family is the main reason i want to kms",Suicidal +7978,"Using my super burner account. I just want to get off my chest how deeply I yearn for the release of this mortal prison. I am too much of a coward to actually kill myself as I do not want to put my parents through such turmoil and guilt, but its slowly becoming my plan to end it all once they both pass. Not to relate myself to an NFL athlete but the news stories about players that commit suicide and save their brains to be studied for the longterm effects of concussions is something I think about often. Maybe somehow the mess of my life could mean something and make sense if studied.Food for thought. Hug your family/friends if you have got them When thinking about killing myself I would not shoot my head in the hopes that someone could study my brain and maybe learn something.",Depression +7979,"only thing holding me back is the debt i would leave my family. just want to pay that off and leave them with as much as i can so i do not leave any sort or burden, at least any more than i already will just need to take care of one thing before i completely turn the light off",Suicidal +7980,"it is been 3 days since I have been planning to cut myself and lose a ton of blood til death. But I always think of the expenses my family will spend just because of ending my life :/ idk. it is so hard to sleep every night with bombarded thoughts. I am already 21 and how come i still do not know how my future going to be. Stopped college for 2 years, been waking up doing the same shit routine like eat, wash dishes, sleep then eat again. Applied jobs that will not accept me. Looked for sponsors for my college unfortunately I lack requirements. Applied scholarship for axie for about a month already. Idk. It is so hard to see my fellow schoolmates are progressing then here is me, doing fucking nothing. My life is more deserving to those who die. I am just wasting my life. I am so done.I hope you could send help to my fam if I already end my life tonight. It sucks to know that it is expensive to die",Suicidal +7981,"I do not think anyone or anything can stop me. I no longer have any reason to live. Even my future is certain. I am really depressed, my grades are declining, and not a single person enjoys being around me or having anything to do with me. I am currently planning what the most painless way will be. Any suggestions? And do not try to say do not kill yourself, there is help out there. I have seeker help and it did not work at all. I am miserable and just want to end this shit. What would the least painful way be? I have decided to kill myself",Suicidal +7982,"I also think about going to the hospital everyday, but I know that is like a temporary bandaid for me. Its a place to keep me safe for 3 days and then I am left with a $1000 bill. To me, its not worth it to keep going back, but I am really really struggling rn. I am drinking more and all my thoughts are about death. I am so sad. I truly want to find the motivation to kill myself but I am just so sad rn. I feel like I am tied to the wall, but they are closing in and I cannot move. I think about killing my self everyday",Depression +7983,Sitting in the darkness with a knife in hand. Held to my chest. Waiting for either sleep or depression to win. Another one of those nights,Suicidal +7984,"COVID gave me a nice break from uni for a while. It was nice since my mom passed away recently and I wanted to process. But the thought of going back now makes me think about killing myself. I have some really good friends from high school but everyone at uni is so awful and I hate everyone there and they make it so hard to exist and god I do not want to work with any of them I just want to die.And then just the thought of actually doing work again sounds awful, I feel so useless but I just cannot understand this course properly, and it is all messed up because of COVID.This year has been awful and I do not know if I will ever be able to get paid work because I am so dumb.I am just sitting on the couch thinking about how I should die. I get overwhelmed by the dumbest things",Suicidal +7985,"If COVID is our future, I do not want to be a part of it. I cannot handle another 2020. Everyone already hates me and I wish I was dead I wish I was dead",Depression +7986,"I have been completely alone for about 3 years now. I live alone, work a decent paying job and that is about it. I struggle to clean, or do laundry, or shower unless it has to do with work. I am responsible as far as work is concerned, but cannot accomplish anything else at all in my life. I have thousands of dollars saved, I live in a good area in a large house, but every minute of every day is a struggle. I am really having to struggle to function each day. I think about ending it all often, if barely not daily. Every friend has left. All the family is gone. Its just me and my cat, and the main reason I do not end it is because I do not want him to eat me when no one notices I am gone. I need help. I have been alone so long",Depression +7987,"When i finally fall asleep, I want my heart to stop beating . I do not care anymore. I do not recognise myself. I am finished I hope I never wake up",Depression +7988,"when they say that thinking about suicide is calmingrecently I realized that whenever shit happens I think ""well it does not matter because imma kill myself soon anyway"" and idk why it just makes me stress and worry less about the bad things I think I understand some people now",Depression +7989,"I am trying to get into MtG because my partner is into it and I want to do things that they like, but the game makes me so sad for some reason. Like I bought a bulk box and I just got a bunch of common boring cards and I cannot stop crying over it?? I wanted really cool cards like my partner has and it is just all junky cards and I feel so let down.This caused a fight with my partner because I was being extremely negative. we have been having a lot of fights recently that are always caused by my negativity. It just gets really bad at night. I do not know. I am sick of crying and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I might just not go. I feel too shitty to do anything. I have been crying over magic cards on and off all day",Depression +7990,it is 1:20 in the morning here and I cannot sleep. Can somebody please talk to me? Is anybody here?,Suicidal +7991,"I have struggled with depression for many years now. My go-to strategy to get help was to reach out to my friends and talk about it. But I use that too much, it became that I was ranting to them every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and that pushed away almost all of my friends. So I am working on not reaching out as much. But, I think that support from my friends would be really helpful, I still want some kind of support. What are some ideas for how my friends can help/support me so that I feel supported, but that it does not hurt them in the process? How can friends support me?",Depression +7992,"I do not know how much longer I can keep going. The wasted effort the looping thoughts that no matter how hard I try to tell myself they are not real, or that they do not mean anything about me, keep tearing me down and effecting me. I am sick of this, I am sick of being stuck in my head and not able to function correctly. I am over trying everything under the sun to try to be okay. I cannot keep this up, I do not want to keep this up, its painful and sad. No matter what I do nothing helps, I just wish I could vanish from existence, no pain from my family or friends, just disappear like I was never born. Is there a way out?",Depression +7993,"Basically what the question asks, I just feel lonely and depressed sometimes but I do not feel like talking to anyone. This is especially late at night. I have a couple close friends and I do not really trust anyone in my family all that much. Any advice? What do you do when you are lonely but do not feel like talking to anyone?",Depression +7994,"I do not know what I am going to do. Do I want to play do I want quit and give up. I do not want to let my coach down, but if that is the only reason then why play. The problem is somedays I want to play, but then I second guess myself or the opposite. it is just so frustrating. Why do I have to make everything so difficult, if I could just decide that is one less problem that I have to deal with. I want to tell him that I am going through some shit right now, but what am I supposed to tell him. Sorry coach my asshole mom's boyfriend broke up with her smashed a bunch of shit, yelled and kicked her and I just sat in my room like a pussy. Then to top it off she experienced everything that I do, feeling restless, little to no sleep and always nervous. Then she had the nerve to complain to me about it and get back with him not even a month later. For ten years that man scared me to the point where I did not want to be in the same room as him, and when I finally felt free from worrying about being yelled at or having to hear the dogs get beaten, she pulls him right back into our life, telling me one day I am going to understand. + a bunch of other stupid stuff. My coach called",Depression +7995,"Does anyone else feel like, its to late to get good at anything. I am 18 going on 19, and feel like I have a 18 year hole in my life. Like I just started living. Every around me someone is good at something. It took me awhile to come to this thought, but now its all I can think about. I cannot do anything without almost breaking down. Playing games, and watching tv, are the only things I am good at. I just cannot shake it. Putting myself down",Depression +7996,"I honestly do not know.I do not know if contemplating suicide as an option relentlessly makes me suicidal or not.I do not know what would happen if I committed suicide.What I do know is that I want to commit suicide, because damn, life is hard. Soaking up everyone elses emotions is hard. Feeling like you are too young to die is hard.Losing those that you have called friends is hard. Cutting contact is hard. Being called indecisive and unable to say goodbye and move on is hard. Being ignored is hard. Being in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is hard.I have had really bad experiences in the past. One of who I thought were my closest buddies gaslighted me for years. I was always bullied and ignored. I have recently moved to another school and things have been easier, but I am afraid to trust anyone, so I have been pushing people away because the easier it is to convince myself that I am not their friend makes it easier when I mess up and the relationship burns down. And I have dropped hints everywhere that I want support but nobody ever noticed. Even going to a therapist is hard because I do not trust the therapist enough to tell her anything about how I am feeling because that information invariably ends up in my parents hand. And I do not trust my parents with a single atom in my body. Because some part of teenage me does not trust adults. Because I do not want anyone to worry about me, because in the end this is my burden to carry.So yeah. I have been contemplating suicide. I have even written a draft of a letter to share with certain people I have once felt even remotely close to trusting. I have been getting no sleep at all lately. I have researched the afterlife to try and see what it may be like after I die. So what now?I guess there are two options. To do it, or not to.that is all I wanted to share. Thanks for bearing with me. When trust issues meet suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +7997,My mom keep telling me to smilewhen she emotionally abused me every day. Make me want to smile or no! I am not going to smile at you. Smile is not something you ask for. You have to earn it. Stop telling me to smile !,Depression +7998,"So I have been diagnosed with panic disorder, severe depression, and I also have horrible anger issues that just make me feel like shit afterwards. For a few years now my depression and anger have taken a bad fucking turn. it is gotten so bad that I have been pounding brick walls and getting into fights as a form of self harm/punishment (stupid I know but it also keeps the anger in check).About four months ago I stopped taking my meds, I mean they barely helped me anyway. No one really knows what is been going on with me and I think that is for the best. I am about to start college in about a month and I am extremely tempted to kill myself before then.Days just blure together and the faces of friends start to lose their meaning. I honestly feel like I am out of options at this point and I do not know what to do. I wish the best for everyone that reads this but I do not believe that anything good is in the cards for me. My only constant emotions are rage and utter sadness and no amount of support can change that.",Suicidal +7999,I do not even want to cry anymore. I just want to feel normal and happy. Its been so long that I am not sure what happy feels like anymore. I need help serious mental help. I feel like I am slowly losing the sense of reality. Its been so long that I have felt this way that there is almost a fogginess in my head. I cannot think straight or remember a lot of things. I think I am doomed and Ill never come back to reality. I feel bad,Depression +8000,I have been taking my meds and since then my depression has kind of frozen. I did not feel anything and was complaining numb and disassociating. When I told my doctor this he decided to bump me down with the dosage so now I started feeling less numb but with that I feel more depressed and unstable. My self harm urges are gradually getting bigger and bigger and my nights are getting longer each day. I am honestly terrified to start school again because if I am feeling unstable now.. who knows how bad it will hit me then. Its all coming back,Depression +8001,I am so lonely and I am alone since i was a childit's so hard to go on I am so lonely,Suicidal +8002,"I am on the younger side for this. But last year I lost my cousin to suicide. I had been contemplating it myself but the pain it caused for me and my family, I knew I could do it. So I am stuck I feel great most days but some I just cannot do anything. Right after he died I used nicotine to cope, and I still do but I feel so lost. Its hard to talk to people close about. I have talked to people before but I have had it thrown back in my face. So I do not feel very trusting anymore. But in the end Ill live through live with such pain not knowing what to do it where to go, I just feel beyond the point of redemption. I cannot keep strong for others forever but Ill hold as long as possible. If you did thank you for reading Ill most likely reply if anyone has something to say. -LK Losing someone has me lost.",Depression +8003,"i still remember how clear it is. i cut myself in the bathroom stall and it was spreading blood all over.i remember everyone panicking while i was in shock and the stares i got. sometimes i wish i would have just died there, just to simply disappear. the day it happened",Suicidal +8004,"I wanted to be intimate with my partner but I could not. He was over me making out with me, but I began to cry and as his hands wandered it felt worse. It felt as I was looking at my motionless body, laying there powerless and it felt as I was suffocating. I eventually was able to tell him to stop and left, but I love him and we have done this before but lately anytime intimacy is close to happening I experience the same thing, he does not know about my depression. No one does. I cannot be intimate",Depression +8005,"something i like to do when i feel like giving up is think about my future and how in a few months i will not be upset and down about the things that are making me feel like this right now, and think about how in a few years you will most likely be happy <3 i hope everyone has a better year than the previous one and things get better but it might take a while.. it is better to wait then to give up :P a tip to use when you feel like giving up<3",Suicidal +8006,I do not know what happen this month I look at my hands after dealing with eczema for ducking years and seeing all the marks and wrinkles it left and all the names I was called makes me want to cry to sleep. I cannot stop thinking about it it will never go way I tried everything it will never go away I told people to focus on there skin cuz maybe if I cared about my skin instead of school I would be still here Importance of self care do not be like me,Suicidal +8007,"Headline says it all, not going to go into detail because its pathetic. Why am I so hard to love? I am way too ugly and/or pathetic. At this point I do not even want to believe it anymore. Even though we made fun of each other all the time and recently been sexual. I have always thought how perfect and great they were. Even now, I respect him too much to even bother for an explanation or anything. I really hope I get over this and I hope his life gets better too since I know his struggle too. I wanted to be his best friend, but I know I cannot since I have always wanted something more. I just need to stop being in his life for both of our sakes Getting rejected after confessing your love from childhood fucking sucks",Depression +8008,"All my life I have always been so quiet and boring, which made a loner in school. It sucks because I have such a boring personality and I was never able to fit in and I hate it so much I hate being like this. I cannot do much of anything anymore my mind is so empty and its so hard. I just want a place that feels like home I will never have friends",Depression +8009,"Seriously, hand me a pistol and I would do it. I would rather put a bullet into my brain and go to the grave. I want to shoot myself in the head",Depression +8010,yep. my life is so meaningless. my friends/ family are better without me. i want to be ruby lane. i want to slit my wrists like ruby lane from fear street,Suicidal +8011,"I have been with my partner for nearly 3 yrs now and we have never once had sex, hes been really patient with me. While we have never had vaginal intercourse we have done other things, and I sometimes struggle with depression bringing down my libido. But for weeks now I have been struggling having any sort of intimacy with him. Last time I broke down crying as we made out with his body over me, he did not notice as the lights were out. And he began to move his hands and the combination of anxiety and fear of him feeling my cuts (started self harming recently) made me run, I left immediately and told him I could not do it. Prior to that I have had tears run down before but this time it was more and I felt as if I was suffocating. I love him, and I am attracted to him but when this happens it feels like I am not there, almost like I am just watching myself but I have no control over my body. I know I can tell him to stop at any moment but it feels as if I am mute and cannot bring myself to do so. He does not even know I struggle with depression, no one does, he just thinks I am saving myself or waiting for the right time. We were relatively young when we started dating as well so it makes sense that we have not had any relations during the 3 yrs. its scary when I disassociate, I know hes someone I trust and love but it feels like rape in a way. I am not comparing the two but I do feel powerless, and its not even his fault. I cannot be intimate",Depression +8012,"Again, I really do not want to seem like an asshole, because I know some people are just trying to help, but its incredibly frustrating to me and I often feel patronized in spite of myself. I know the majority of these people do it to come off as an objectively good person, and care little for people who are actually suffering in this way. I hope this does not come off as overly pessimistic, but I really cannot stand shirts or whatever that say you matter or you are loved",Suicidal +8013,"I currently live in the you.S. with my mother and my partner is from Poland. I would like to move in with them but it is a huge step that has given me a lot of anxiety. I think its time for me to commit to the decision or else I will end my life.I currently live with my mother. she is quite abusive in a few ways and she constantly controls my life. I am a gamer so of course I love to game and I can spend a lot of time on that. My anxiety and depression is preventing me from being able to continue college. I had to drop out after one semester due to it causing me to attempt suicide. I still do not feel ready to go back. I am 19 and due to the fact that I live under my mothers roof its unfortunately her house and her rules. I do not know if she means well the majority of the time. She says she wants the best for me and wants me to be something in life but just because I am not going to college right now does not mean I will never go, I am just not ready. She constantly takes her anger out on me and never apologizes. I often feel uncomfortable living with her and stay locked alone in my room. She gets upset if I sleep in late but that is my choice because I am not feeling well. I often stay up late and sleep in late, why should it matter to her?My experience with therapy has been awful. It took me contacting 10 therapists to even get one response. During therapy I have just been judged and my issues compared with others, and it has never helped. I had one psychiatrist tell me to just stop gaming completely when I use it to cope with how shit life is. My psychiatrist told me yesterday that my partner will leave me for being useless and not having a job. She also told me that if my mother were to die Id be taken advantage of and used in the system. It feels so fucked up that she would say those things to me. All I could do was cry. If I am being honest, I wanted to shout fuck you and punch her, but I somehow had restraint not to do that.I am 19. I have a lot left to life (and honestly I fucking hope I do not but Ill just say that because of reality) and just because I do not have a job nor am attending college now does not mean I am worthless. I do not understand why my life has to be controlled and I have to be forced to do things I am not ready for. College makes me suicidal, and so does my mother. I feel like its time to move out.The reason I am coming here to post about this is because is it really the right choice? I know there will be yes and nos, but I want to hear what others opinions are. I have been with my partner for just over 2 years and I have been thinking about this major decision for over a year. It gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I have never been to Poland, but we have met twice (would have been more if it were not due to the pandemic). I do not have anywhere else to go. My family is toxic as hell and none of my friends really have space for me to be there. I also will not be able to bring my cats with me if I choose to go. it will be a huge lifestyle change too. My partner has constantly reassured me that they will take care of me and I will have time to improve my mental health before I start making any big steps into the work force or college. Honestly, I feel like Id feel more comfortable doing things if I was there with them, because I love them and I am comfortable with them. I just do not know if making a drastic change to a different country will be worth it in the long run. I do want to move away from my mother but its so far and its so different. I do not want to judge. I just hope that I will be happy if I make that choice, even though I know it will be a lot of stress and anxiety. I am hoping that it will improve my mental health in the long run and allow me to actually be able to control my life and be able to breathe. Maybe Ill actually find a competent therapist and psychiatrist there that are not pieces of shit.I am writing this calm as fuck right now but in reality my brain is spinning. I do not want to go back to my piece-of-shit psychiatrist in a week. If I cannot move out, I genuinely will kill myself, and I feel like moving is the better choice because knowing me Id fail and turn into a vegetable. : )I genuinely do want to die all the time, but I feel like if I can actually enjoy life it would be worthwhile staying at the same time. I want to make the right choice. I can move out but if I do not Ill kill myself",Suicidal +8014,"I wish I had died last year.I could not create anything today. I could barely sing. I feel like when quarantine began, I was meant to kill myself. Oh my God, I actually *regret* not killing myself last year.I exercised a little, showered, sight-read piano music for literally 10 minutes, sang for about 30 seconds until I hated my voice, and cuddled with my cat. Right when I started singing, I thought about how much I just want to stop doing anything anyone wants me to do. I do not want to sing. I do not want to be complimented. I do not want to be in a world full of people who wish the best for me and always want me to become something great, when all I want to do is die.I am not looking forward to anything. I am not even learning the script for my friends play yet, because I simply want to do nothing. I want to dissolve. I want to evaporate. I think about being dead and I feel so happy. TW: I am very very sad",Depression +8015,"but I have tried every imaginable means to get over it for so long to no avail. I still cannot convince myself that I can live without a life partner. Every fleeting conversation with a woman gives me hope that is immediately dashed. Every time I hear other people setting each other up, I want to jump in front of a train. I even try to stay home and avoid women as much as possible, but that leads to other things that remind me of them.there is just no way out of this. I cannot even kill myself because there is always the carrot of tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I will meet the one, but deep down I know there is no hope, I cannot compete with other dudes. I have accepted as fact that I will never marry",Suicidal +8016,"I feel like I cannot open up to anybody anymore after how I have been treated after telling people my feelings (therapy has not helped me unfortunately). Whenever I open up to someone they look at me like I am some weirdo who belongs in a psych ward. My sister has graduated from college, my brother enters his junior year in college, and my best friend enters his senior year. Hes the only person left, and for only another year. He does not have depression, and cannot relate to how I feel, I have told him a few times how life feels, but not really told him anything in detail about the thoughts and feeling that go through my head everyday. He is honest (which I appreciate), and tells me that he just does not really understand if I say anything like that. I just have nobody to talk to, and next year the one true friend I have left is gone. If I try to vent to somebody, they get scared away, no matter how close they are to me.",Depression +8017,my life is so meaningless. my friends/ family are tired of me. i never get better. i cannot even tell them its bad again. or ill let them down. i feel that they are better without me. i feel so alone. and i feel like a failure. i want to slit my wrists like ruby lane from fear street. rant i guess,Suicidal +8018,"I am shaking and only have bad thoughts on my mind. I am married and my wife and I had kind of a fight tonight it was not really big or anything but I am still overthinking about it. Lately I have been thinking a lot that she would be way better with anyone else and that I do not do nothing good for her.I am a man that is always mad, and that cannot be relaxed and does not like surprises. I cannot be a go happy about life person and she does not need this kind of person around her. She is this kind heart and I am just this dark void.Just thinking about ways of finishing my life right now is relaxing, and that scares me a lot. Help me please",Depression +8019,"Hi all, hope you are doing well. I Recently had a conversation with my significant other and it came out that she is been dealing with worse depression and anxiety lately.We talked about tackling it together. We talked about doing exercise together and eating well together. I have a question or two for you. 1. What things generally relieve the feelings of depression? 2. What gesture/action from someone else would make you feel better? Significant other is dealing with depression. What can I do?",Depression +8020,Anyone? Please i just want someone Can I just complain to someone about my loneliness tonight?,Suicidal +8021,"I want to commit suicide, I really wish I could do it without hurting the people around me. I want to quit",Depression +8022,"I haveLiterallyDoneNothingAll dayThese past couple days I thought could finally start to work on something, at least do what I enjoy doingBut then I realizedI do nothing but lay in bed and stare at my phone the whole dayNot even doing social media, I just... WatchI do not care what I watch as long as it makes me numb to this painEven just... Sitting down on my pc feels bad now, I immediately feel tired and I want outI constantly feel like a complete idiot, because I have something I want to do, I have ideas but then when I want to do it, it is like I transform in a completely different person, uncapable of everything and it is so frustrating because if only I could do it... I may have a chance to see the light again And I feel upsetMy anxiety is so bad that I want to do nothing but eat until I cannot anymore, which is impossibleAnd I cannot exercise, because the moment I think about it, I cry, I get angry and want to do nothing else but self harm, does any of my family members care about it? No, they continue to bully me about my weight and threaten me to get over my feelings about itWhat am I?Is this really real life?Because I want outI really want my life to be over, because I am not using it, on anything, and nothing will ever feel good again, I was an idiot and believed that things could turn betterBut the world is not the problemMy circumstances are not the problemI am the problemAnd problems have to disappear Worthless",Depression +8023,"Seriously, this book is amazing. I learned so much about depression that I never knew before. This book would have made my recovery ten times easier if I had read it back when I was really sick. Check out this book on Goodreads: This Is Depression: A Comprehensive, Compassionate Guide for Anyone Who Wants to Understand Depression A fantastic book everyone should read",Depression +8024,"Lol, you all should be glad ...",Suicidal +8025,"Lately I have been having some issues with my head, and my heart medically and with that I have noticed I have been more depressed. (I have explained more of it on my profile about the heart and headache issues) but I have been feeling down extremely. I am worried that time flies by snd before I know it I am going to be dead, I am scared of growing up because of the challenges I am going to face, the losses I will go through, and the constant fear of getting something like cancer, I am pretty young but it just feels like so much of my life has gone to waste and I am just overall scared and I want to be comfortable and I am scared of starting to become an adult and starting my life. I feel like its way to stressful, and lifes going to be over before I know it because it seems like everybody around me is getting cancer and everything, and I am hearing about people dying on the news and I do not want that to be me. I do not know how to stay positive and enjoy life, so what I am basically saying is i hate waiting for death. I just want to enjoy life, what can I do? My doctor wants to prescribe me with anxiety medication because she noticed that its horrible btw. I just want to feel happy and normal and enjoy life. I am struggling and I really need help.",Depression +8026,"No, it will not get better. you will find someone eventually. No, I will not. I have not yet. No one wants to be with me and I think I have a lot to offer. This shit fucking sucks. I hate my life. I hate being alone. I regularly think about ending it all. Only reason I have not pulled the trigger yet is my pets. I am sick of being single and lonely, I fucking hate my job and I hate everything in my life other than my pets and a few friends. I am destined to be forever alone. I am so tired of empty platitudes",Suicidal +8027,"we have grown up together and are very close, we now live in an apartment just the two of us and I suffer with depression but hers is worse. I get frustrated sometimes because she does not do house things but I understand. How do I help her get better? My sister is deeply depressed and I have no idea how to help",Depression +8028,"I really wanted to go to my newly-discovered favorite shop by myself tomorrow, I have got some ideas of nice things I wanted to get that might help make me feel better, in an area that feels good and right. I think I need to make it through the night so that I can do that. If I do stupid things tonight, then I cannot go. If I hurt myself too badly I cannot go. If I do something stupid I cannot go. I need to at least make it through for that. I think I want to do this tomorrow..",Suicidal +8029,I go down this list and see so many ppl hating life. I do not get why its like that. I mean I feel the same way. So many people with depression,Depression +8030,"it seems like everything nowadays makes me want to die. i cannot remember the last time i was ever happy, like I am always in a state of depression or disassociation. i do not find anything i do to be interesting or fun; if anything the things i do during the day are just white noise for time to pass by. i have no friends and an abusive family. i feel invisible every single day. I have noticed that all the posts i look at for solutions to a quick painless death are just so demeaning. they make it seem like your the one that is stupid and brainless. honestly makes me want to die more, which is ironic since those posts themselves practically beg you to stay alive...this post is not really anything, i just needed to vent. thinking about overdosing soon but there is no deadline for that i do not want to exist",Suicidal +8031,"Everything I do I just feel annoyed, irritated, lose interest and lose focus. I feel weak and tired. I tried sleeping. But i wake up shortly after when i had this short dream. There was a rope from the ceiling. A thick rope. I was in my bed and the rope was hanging beside me. I do not know why but in that dream I grabbed the rope and it suddenly tightened around my neck and i cannot breathe. I keep struggling. And then i found myself on my bed again. Every time i try to sleep all i can think of is how i accidentally commit suicide in different ways and i cannot go back. If only I am not afraid of what comes after. If only i do not have to keep having these feelings and thoughts. Why am i so ungrateful with my life.. I get that feeling again.",Suicidal +8032,"I never got rid of a lot of my remaining pills, like mental health pills, totally forgot which ones but I have a bucket of them and they are feeling tempting to figure out how much it would take... I also have some amoxicillin left and like full things of advil/tylenol and just random stuff like that.... that is bad right that is a bad idea? Like that is bad right to think about Using all the pills I have not discarded is a bad idea right?",Suicidal +8033,"I really want to get help. I want to confide in someone, but I am too hung up on the thought that they would take on my issues as well. I have always had the mindset that issues are personal; something that you deal with alone. You could tell me that is not true, but I just subconsciously act fake in front of people. I mask my feelings without even noticing that I am doing it. My last therapist did not work for me because I was not even being real with her. I would keep smiling and I would get extremely uncomfortable when opening up, so I would barely say anything about myself or my problems. I only realize this looking back on it now. Hell, we even talked about the weather for a whole session once. I know that its horrible but I do not know how to stop. After a recent breakdown, I realized that I do this with everyone I know. Even with my closest friends and family. So I am basically isolating myself without even trying. How fucking crazy is that? Depression is weird, man. Stuck",Depression +8034,"I cannot manage to make my happiness stay for a long while. Something within me is pulling it, and now I am just so used at depriving (it came in naturally) myself from smiling. It all started last year, it has something to do with a ""major decision"" in my life. During the last 5 months of the previous year, I never let my mind go idle, I get myself busy with school works, but the pain just resurfaces and it sure feels legitimate and new. Fast forward to this year, half of 2021 had passed, I thought I would be able to move forward as that is what I have fervently prayed for during the preceding year, to my disappointment, it is still the same. I am not surprised either, I always knew when I firstly experienced it, that this pain will never fade away, it may subside, but it will surely regain its intensity and resurfaces once again. I cannot open this to someone else, they would just simply say to ""get over it."" Well, I KNOW that I have to, but it still really feels heavy and heavier as time marches on. I honestly want to isolate myself for a moment, I want to have that episodes and years of solitude in my life where I let these thoughts run on my mind continuously without worrying about wasting such time that I would supposedly for being productive, with the hopes that it would be of help to evaluate and make me feel more at ease and to move on. My issue might be too ""petty"" to some for it to be shared, but please this is only my safest space to somehow breathe.I need help, I cannot cry anymore, it is tiring and there are no tears left. I am literally ""dead inside"" Idk what to do (regrets)",Depression +8035,"Today was the first day weeks where I felt like I could breathe. Work went well, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I might lose my best friend, nothing reminded me of traumatic stuff, and I did not cry. I really hope I reach a point where everyday can be like this. today was good.",Depression +8036,when does it get better when does it stop when do i stop being this way when does it end when will i feel better what the fuck is fucking wrong with me why am i fucking like this what the actual fuck I am not even supposed to be here I am not here but I am here but i shoudlnt be here i should be gone i do not deserve to be here what the fuck,Suicidal +8037,"I am now almost 26hours awake drinking all day and night, today will be seventh day since i started getting blackout drunk and passing out on the couch then getting up only to continue this shit.Yesterday morning at 6 of the clock i went to a bar after getting two shots of cognac then continued with 6 beers (0,5l) topped it down with 4 more shots of cognac and went with two friends just so i do not be alone during the day I drank around 9 cocktails(0,33) and 3more shots of cognac I did a few lines stayed with those two friends for a while and now I am sitting alone here for five hours drinking cognac (0,7) again.I cannot sleep unless I get blacked out.I did not eat anything in the past five days today being the sixth and I do mean nothing literally nothing just drank.I want to get better bout why do I have to go to rehab if i know i can get over it by myself and honestly i really think it would even be better for me and easier to stop here then alone in rehab.How do I fucking get myself to eat something?How do I find the will to even shower myself, yesterday I went to shower and guess how i did it Stood in the shower with a cocktail in my handThis shit getting hard my vizion is getting blurry and my whole body is hurting from this all these drinks mixed in me and nothing to eat for almost six days personal record Later when I pass out and get up I am about to stop cuz i feel i will pass out literally I will try to get myself to eat something bout that will be hard cuz i cannot no longer even chew and I am getting my shit togetherIn the meantime i have this bottle to finish Wish me luck cuz this are not going to be easy see you all Today will be seventh day of me getting blackout drunk",Depression +8038, support here would help. Literally trying to talk him off a ledge. A new dad is about to harm himself.,Suicidal +8039,I feel the worst I ever felt in my life. I am having some very negative thoughts that even scare me. I feel I am really hitting rock bottom. What do I do?? I really need help and some one to talk to me rn,Suicidal +8040,"I will be using letters instead of names.my friend N is the reason I am alive today, we have been friends for a long time and hes the closest friend i have ever had. i introduced him to my online friend T a month or two ago and they have been inseparable ever since. i cannot text either of them because they say that they cannot talk because they are talking to the other. so I am all by myself now. i tried to kill myself a little while ago but it did not work. i thought, ""well even if it did not work, maybe something will change"".nothing has changed. in fact things have only gotten worse. I am being completely ignored. i lost two valuable friends. T because i was an idiot and introduced him to N, and N because I am not enough. N was the only thing keeping me alive, and now that I have been replaced i do not have anymore value. but what if i try and fail again? what then? all I will have accomplished is making everyone around me feel like shit. i do not know what to do anymore i feel so stuck. i wish i was never even born, so many people could have lived a better life if i was not born. I am just an expendable sack of flesh and bones why should anyone care about me. i cannot believe i ever thought i was important to N. it was stupid of me really. I have never been important to anyone so why did i think he was different? even so, he is the most amazing person I have ever met and i will never forget him. i hope he knows thatidk what else to say i think I am done. anyone got something to say that might be helpful? i did not realize i could be so easily replaced",Suicidal +8041,i wrote out my will and chose the way i want to go I am just sitting and waiting for the day. i still have a lot to throw out but I am going to leave a few things behind that ppl can still get use out of. it feels relieving to know I will not be suffering so greatly anymore soon. the worst is knowing everyone who did not care about you when you were around are going to be up in arms when you are gone it irks me to think about but not enough to keep me alive lol. i picked a day,Suicidal +8042,"So I broke up with my boyfriend, telling him I need a break. The reason being I am only 22 and hes 27 and he wants to be with me forever, he said I am the one for him. I have a disorganised attachment style. Meaning I am pulled between desperately wanting affection (anxious) to not wanting any affection at all and wanting to just end the relationship because I feel its an attack on my independence (avoidant) he said he loves me and will wait for me. I said I will only need a few weeks or a month or something to get myself together. I just feel locked in, like I am so young and will be with this person forever. Hes perfect for me. When I was feeling suicidal once he took 2 days off work to be with me to make sure I am okay. Hes a good communicator, he cares and loves me. there is no drama as I am used to in other relationships. So anyway, the night I broke up with him I got insanely drunk and ended up going to a former FWB house and had sex with him. I also messaged one of my co workers for sex.. so embarrassing because hes the type that will tell EVERYONE at work and make me look like a desperate slag. Then the next day I had to work, despite being super hung over. Like not in the sick way, just my whole body could not stop shaking. Whenever I tried to serve a customer id shake uncontrollably and had to go out the back and I ended up crying. Anyway to sum it all up, I am embarrassed, like I need to quit my job right now because I never want to face any of them again and feel like my coworkers probably think I am crazy and stupid. Although they do know the reason I was acting that way. But now all I want to do is die. I have slept for almost 24 hours, the most I have ever slept in my life. I woke up a few times but could not bear putting up with the thoughts so I went back to sleep. I feel like I have made a big mistake. I have screwed up being with a guy that is perfect for me, just because of my need for independence and wanting to sleep around.. like how ridiculous and selfish. My life is a mess. I have no friends and no one that cares. All I want to do is take a bottle of pills and die. Please help. I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago, now I feel so suicidal. Please help.",Suicidal +8043,"[IWTL how to lose weight]( yesterday, I posted this on the IWTL sub, and today I took the peoples advice from the sub and started my weight loss journey. I did some exercises for today and after I was done, I sat down with a healthy breakfast. As soon as I sat in front of the tv to eat, my mom taunted me, So you started exercising today? I said, Yeah. She suddenly told all my family that I(me) was not going to eat any butter or pasta or any junk food. I did not respond at all because I am used to her being that way and you cannot really reason with unreasonable people. Then she proceeded to say that she will order pasta and some noodles and was staring at my face. My mom has been my first bully and has never understood me and so has the rest of my family. I love the foods she mentioned and she knows that I am insecure about myself and I will have to resist myself a great deal if she orders that. My little sister (18) chimed in and added to all this. She said she would also order things for her to eat. All the junk food imaginable. And all of them waited to see how did I react. I did not react and pretended like this did not happen. This is a pattern now, every time I try to improve they react very very negatively, I feel like shit at my house. I do not know what to do. I started my self improvement and weight loss journey today and my family absolutely brought me down.",Depression +8044,"did not really know where to post this but needed somewhere to vent. In the past weeks I have had a lot of unfortunate events unfold, anxiety building, feelings of numbness to emotion. To pile onto everything, a good highschool friend of mine had passed away, I have cried several nights, and spent days completely emotionless, friends and family trying to comfort me are met with dull response and low energy and I hate how I feel right now, I am fully aware this is probably normal but it is really taking its toll on me. Not really sure where I am going with this post but if anyone has had something similar happen to them I would love to hear some comforting words and some strategies I can implement to put myself back onto the road of self improvement. This is not something I like talking about with friends or family as I am not really in a state to do so right now. My friend recently passed from cancer, feeling numb",Depression +8045,"All the friends I made in school had another friend that they were closer to or liked more. I was never anybodys first choice or number one. I always did my very best to be likeable, and I was always a good friend, but I just never found that in school. I was always jealous of the friend groups who grew up together, went on to have huge weddings where everybody was included, you know. A tight close knit group of friends that just click. All those groups you see in movies and tv shows. :/ I did not have that. There was my sister. My sister and I were very close throughout our entire childhood and into our adulthood, but recently our relationship changed, and I do not think it will be the same again. I have a chronic illness now, and I do not work outside of the home. My husband works for us. Its even more difficult to make friends now, being sick. The pandemic made it worse. I did try chatting with new friends online, but they would forget about me after a week and would stop putting in any effort. I was always carrying the conversation.I dunno. I have become a bit of an introvert over the years. I think I am fine with what I got. I have a huge family and I have nourished those relationships quite well. My husband tells me all the time that I am his best friend. Hes sweet. I do have one friend outside the family that checks up on me, so there is that. I guess I just want to know if any of you have felt this way? I never had a lot of friends.",Depression +8046,"I will try to make this as short as possible. I have always had problems with finding something that I like and doing it in excess, not just drugs/alcohol (even good things.) I am 25 years old I did not drink until I got to college and I liked it, but did not love it. While living on campus (you of I) I drank often but I would not say more than any other college kid. Cocaine was another story. It came around a few times and i was quickly doing it A LOT., every night type of a lot. I was able to stop that on my own somehow. Alcoholism runs in my family, although never effected my parents because they were careful. About 5 months ago I started drinking and it very quickly got out of hand. Like almost a fifth a night out of hand. Its leading to issues that have started to get worrisome. I own a lot of guns and I have started becoming somewhat suicidal. Its like alcohol woke something in me. I have always been on anti depressants. I have not seen the girl I have dated for the last 6 years in a month and she basically hates me now. I do not want clinical help, I want to tackle this like I always have for everything else. Does anybody have advice on how they fixed this on their own? I am sorry if asking for that is frowned upon but I want to control this on my own. I posted this in another sub incase this is not allowed here but any advice would be very appreciated. I really need some advice",Depression +8047,"All the friends I made in school had another friend that they were closer to or liked more. I was never anybodys first choice or number one. I always did my very best to be likeable, and I was always a good friend, but I just never found that in school. My sister and I were very close throughout our entire childhood and into our adulthood, but recently our relationship changed, and I do not think it will be the same again. I have a chronic illness now, and I do not work outside of the home. My husband works for us. Its even more difficult to make friends now, being sick. The pandemic made it worse. I did try chatting with new friends online, but they would forget about me after a week and would stop putting in any effort. I was always carrying the conversation.I dunno. I have become a bit of an introvert over the years. I think I am fine with what I got. I have a huge family and I have nourished those relationships quite well. My husband tells me all the time that I am his best friend. Hes sweet. I do have one friend outside the family that checks up on me, so there is that. I guess I just want to know if any of you have felt this way? I never found a best friend.",Depression +8048,"I started a new job on monday, leaving my parents alone on the family businness because i had consant conflict with themI feel bad now, plus i feel like i can never be usefull in my new job....i restarted to have suicide toughts, i just do not want to search for another job and i do not want to stick in this one...If it does not get better i will probably go to thorw myself off a bridge in the weekend Hopeless",Suicidal +8049,"Hi, just posting this because I am in a mood for sharing my experience. I am 26, with MDD, and recovering from stroke. Prior writing this post, I just had a depressive episode where I cried for almost an hour; to calm me down, I just took a shower and still did skin-care(because I still want to take care of my skin even if I look ugly. #skincareislife).Recently I found myself liking to post seducing photos of me online and makes me feel validated, I guess. Upon writing this post, I started a mock research paper about how posting seducing photos or my sexual behavior will affect my self-esteem. (I am now in a manic episode rn because I have so much things to say) I have already wrote a title, an abstract for it and an introduction. I have 4 pages for it people. I am not taking it seriously but I am curious to see how far this reoccurring maniac inside will go to finish the self-research I am making as I venture myself out as a ""sexual attraction"" online. Well IDK if I am making sense right now. Or maybe I just need someone to talk to idk. But just follow this post maybe if you are interested for the progress when my mania side will come up and continue doing this mock research again or maybe finish it. LOL&#x200B;Have a nice day folks!&#x200B;Research title that I gave to my mock paper: **THE EFFECTS OF POSTING SEDUCING PHOTOS ON REDDIT TO SELF-ESTEEM AND SEXUAL BAHEVIOR OF A PERSON DIAGNOSED WITH MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER(MDD) AND PHYSICAL RESTRICTIONS DUE TO CEREBELLAR STROKE** Making a research paper out of nowhere about my depression",Depression +8050,I just went to my uncle i want to know what would happen if i commited suicide there ? Suicide in veccation ?,Suicidal +8051,"I would like to know if you guys have ever seen your childhood (before depression) pic and cried with a feeling of ""OH IS IT REALLY ME BEING HAPPY... WAS I ALSO HAPPY ONCE?"" I would like to know...",Depression +8052,I have always suffered with depression but around 2019 it is gotten a lot worse I do not properly take care of my body I do not brush my teeth I do not wear clean clothes I barely shower I cannot even sleep in my room anymore because of how disgusting it has become and how sad it makes me to be in there so I now sleep in the living room and spend all my time there then my older brother constantly reminds me on how lazy and useless I am even though he knows I have gone crying to my counselor because of the things he says about me then my friend recently sent me a screenshot of him telling my friends how lazy I am and how I am lucky he cannot slap the shit out of me idk what to do anymore I feel like such a disappointment to my family I feel like such a useless person (sorry for the bad grammar I have dyslexia),Depression +8053,"Hi all, I went through a really bad bout of depression last year (about 6-9 months) I cannot overly remember it as it feels like a big blur. I would just be holed up in my room after I got home from work and would lay in bed for hours, not eating, just scrolling through my phone. I was living with two people at the time who I considered my best mates (they were aware of my struggles with depression - I was quite open about it with them) but this was the worst it is ever been around them. Throughout those months they moved on with their lives - got boyfriends, promotions etc. which I am incredibly happy for them (they are extroverted and neurotypical) but they took my depression personally saying I was not making an effort with the friendship and that they felt like they were 'walking on eggshells' around me - this is a major trigger for me. I told them several times that it was not personal and it is hard to get excited over someone else's life if I cannot even get excited over my own. This caused quite a big riff in the friendship & I pulled back considerably because it was also setting off major anxiety for me. Because I never wanted to experience this again I started masking my depression around everyone I know. But I have noticed that when I am alone I am spiraling worse than before - I feel like I am about to fall into a serious rut and I am trying to avoid that at all costs. Has anyone had any experiences like this? Am I actually doing myself a disservice by masking my depression? I am scared I might lose another 6-9 months of my life if I do not do something. Masking Depression",Depression +8054,"That the odds of my existence was so slim it was near impossible, the 1-in-a-million sperm to win the race, with only 1 limited life to live, and I was born disabled. Lmao now that is a sick joke if I have ever seen one. it is like I won but I actually really lost. Hard. it is got to be some kind of joke",Suicidal +8055,Where else would we be safely expressing and sharing our emotions? there is too much ignorance and too little empathy in this world. The internet truly is a blessingg,Depression +8056,So sad and weak to even type words I do not use social media so nobody knows I am sad,Depression +8057,"I identify myself as introvert. Since I have been exposed to internet from year 2016 I have always found comfort in reading about Psychology. I am fascinated by MBTI, Big 5 Models, Jungian Typology and all the things along the lines. I have focused very much on self improvement and tried to improve my skills. I figured out atleast acting like an extrovert tends to make social life a hell lot easier. But whenever I try to do this I just do not feel like myself. I kind of become numb among people which I only realise when I let myself speak to me often at night when alone. I think forcing myself to socialise and talking to friends is kind of helping in building my social persona but I just live by a philosophy that everyone is just alone in his life and as long as I do not fall into making myself vulnerable in front of people I am fine. I just do not want anyone to know the real me. And I guess the reason for that is because I have experienced and now firmly believe too that no one can ever understand me fully. I have tried explaining myself to people but I feel every friend/family I ever had just waited for their turn to speak if I ever talk about myself. Anyways the question is I am confused what part is me ?Should I keep myself happy and just keep living in my head and stop interacting to other humans. Because I literally just love living by myself. Or I should keep trying to socialise because I also believe that if I want to earn even a small amount of money I need to just develop my social game. Keep in mind every other human being including my family is just a person to me whom I can just never reveal my true self (talking about things I want) because whenever I have done it in my life people just go blank like it is a huge lot complex for them even to comprehend and believe me I have tried this way many times than you can imagine. Losing the definition of myself",Depression +8058,"There are people constantly telling me to hurt myself in different ways and the only way to get them to tstop talking is to do what they say but it is escalating and I do not really want to die right now. The other day I thought if I cut deep enough into my thigh I could cut one of the voices out somehow but I just ended up bleeding a lot and getting stitches, I also thought maybe one was in my tattoo but I cannot get the image off. I have scratched the face of the tattoo out with a boxcutter but it is still talking. My medicaiton is still working into my system so this is not going to stop yet. I know if i were to die the voices would stop but that is not what I want right now. What do i do schizophrenic help",Suicidal +8059,Please help me. I just cannot fucking deal with it anymore,Suicidal +8060,"I used to cry every single day. But now, my self esteem is higher and I am actually kind of enjoying life a lot more. However, i still lack motivation to do the things i love or get out of the house. I do not feel sad anymore, i just lack motivation",Depression +8061,"Always being busy for the entire day has helped me shift my focus. I have taken up a lot of hobbies just so that I could fill my day that I do not have time to overthink. Yes, I still have suicidal thoughts and do go back from time to time. But this method has helped me to reduce the severity of those situations. Another thing that has really helped me is learning to enjoy the nature like when it is raining or you are going for a walk in a sunny day. I do recommend learning to ride a bike because it has helped me a lot. My friends forced me to go outside and learn riding. It is not going to work wonders but the sense of control, to be able to control the pace at which everything is moving on the open road really helps you calm down, it just helps you be at peace. This is just something that worked for me",Depression +8062,I just want to take all my pills tomorrow when my husband is gone for work and not show up to my job. Will they even fucking care. Ot I will slit my wrists in the tub. Noting helps my cat is dying and it is my fault I cannot help himI've failed my marriage with my fucking problemsHe'll be better riff without me I just want to die,Suicidal +8063,having narrisstic parents makes it worse :( cannot wait to go back to school staying at home too long gave me brain fog and depression,Depression +8064,Death does not scare me nor does any shitty thing that could occur in life. Fear can no longer limit me. Being suicidal is a positive feeling for me because nothing scares me anymore,Suicidal +8065,"they are really cool and I am literally so alone and I feel like I have to, I cannot just keep sitting here and hoping I die, I also cannot just die and I cannot just cut again. This is stupid and life is stupid and I do not want it. And I cannot really talk about this to people I know, I wrote a message reaching out to my friends and it is sitting there unsent. I do not even want to eat. I have a binge eating issue and I have not been eating or feeding myself all week, which is really weird. I think I am really like giving up lol. I have health anxiety and there are a few things going on and I wish they would just take me out but they are like not deadly or anythingI'm so hungry and nothing.... nothing is something I want to eat, I do not want anything. I feel like someone I really trust is walking all over me and I cannot do anything about itIs this life?? Why?? Fuck, I do not want it. The skin on my fingers are all bitten off at this point, I do not care. I might care in the morning but I do not right now. I am not even in my mid twenties yet and I want to fucking die. Is not eating some sort of silent protest? it is stupid because no one knows but me. God I just do not want this, it is all pain, all of it. And I am going to yell into the void about it Finally reaching out and texting the trevor project again",Suicidal +8066,"I see no way out of my shitty life. I am planning to end it all soon. How can I stop? I am planning my suicide, how to stop?",Suicidal +8067,"I could never leave, and not be certain my kids will be okay, but I do not want to do this anymore. I should not wake up every single morning more and more upset that I did wake up. I cannot remember the last time I felt happy... or even okay. I make it through the days for my kids, but I feel like I could be a much better mom if I did not want to die. Maybe I would have more motivation to play, or actually cook dinner more than once every few weeks. But everything is too much. I feel so alone and have very little help.. feeling like a shitty mom doe help. I need a break... but even if the opportunity came up, I would feel guilty for leaving my kids, especially a newborn. How do I know the difference between postpartum depression and regular depression? Is this going to get better in a few months? I am not okay and I have no one.. Postpartum?",Suicidal +8068,"trigger warning*I have never been so angry when hurting myself before. but with ever cut i made, I thought of each reason I was doing it. you are ugly. You deserve nothing. You will never amount to anything. You are a failure you are fat. It burns where I cut and I do not feel like doing more but I want to because I feel like it is what I deserve i relapsed into cutting again today",Depression +8069,"I am getting old now and realizing I have had dead spot decades in my lifetime. Memories of depression starting from age 5. Parent accounts of ND sensitivities before age 5.From age 10-20, dead spot, 0 productivity Then some brightness and progress from 20-30.Then again, 0 productivity from 30-40. I am starting to see some brightness again now. I hope it lasts.Are these decade-long cycles common among people with depression? I am not asking for a diagnosis of course but I am curious is this pattern consistent with a different diagnosis besides depression? I have been diagnosed with ADHD and I am on medication for that and I have been on anti-anxiety meds before but not currently taking any now. I need to go back to a psychiatrist for further evaluations I just have not made appointments because the whole process feels invasive and kind of exhausting but I will. Are Lifetime Cycles Common?",Depression +8070,"Just as a gentle reminder when it comes to mental health: At the top of their games and at the height of their powers, Barry Sanders retired, Rob Gronkowski took a break, Michael Jordan took two breaks, Calvin Johnson retired, Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, Mike Krzyzewski took a break/leave midway through the 1995 season and did not come back until practice the next year. Andrew Luck retired at 29. Bjorn Borg retired with 11 Grand Slam titles at the age of 26. Today, it was Simone Biles.Mental health needs to be treated and looked at like any other injury, in every aspect of our society. In sports, our jobs, and especially our schools. A reminder about mental health.",Depression +8071,please anyone. i just want to be cared ab and loved. i have no one. no one cares until its too late and I am getting to the point where death seems better than this shit. no one thinks ill do it but when i do they will wish they paid more attention to it and they will wish they could have stopped it. i have no one. I have been having these thoughts since i was in 4th grade. I am now a junior in high school. people think I am a happy person and I am always okay but I am trying so hard to keep everything in. recently I have been giving so many warning signs that are so blatantly obvious i do not know what else to do. no one thinks you will do it until its too late.,Suicidal +8072,you are most likely imaginaryBut I love you like family&#x200B;Listening to your voicesomehow never gets oldYour words radiatelike liquid gold&#x200B;I watch as ballerinas danceon the tip of your tongueIll be forever mesmerizedby whatever is sung&#x200B;For you must be an angel in disguiseUrging me to escapethis false paradise&#x200B;Goodbye goodbyeI do not careThis world bores meOn god I swear&#x200B;Cut my wristsAnd make me bleedI love you I love youYoure all I need&#x200B;Fantasy&#x200B;Or reality&#x200B;You and meFor eternity Life is temporary,Suicidal +8073,"Final answer to constant discomfort. After a Trauma, head is all fkd up. Headaches that go from basic to piercing. They just will not quit. Just here to torture me. Lots of Therapy and they say its all up to me. Be positive. Yeah right. Nice touch to flip the game against the client. How the hell can I do that? If I could do that, why would I see a therapist? To tell me I have to fix myself? A bum on the street can tell me that for free . No appointment needed. No violent methods here. Have it set up to go in my sleep. Peaceful. I was holding out to spare those around me that may be affected but at the end of the day, its just you all alone and your own decision path. going to END IT. GET DAILY HEADACHES",Suicidal +8074,sort of feel like its my fault anyway but i just got told every single day i hear something about you comparing yourself and i was already in such a shitty mindset. i want to scream cannot stop crying,Depression +8075,I never asked for such a bad life like this. I think I am going to kill myself.,Suicidal +8076,"I have known a long time now that suicide is for me. That sounds really weird, but essentially, I genuinely feel my birth was a mistake and I do not belong on this planet. I am tired of trying to fit in just to feel something only for it to backfire and because me more pain. The fact I need antidepressants feels like more of a conformation that I do not belong here than anything. Death is the answer.I would have done it over a year ago, but I bought into the propaganda and got help. I have been basically shuffling my feet waiting for something to happen ever since. And I am done.it will probably be a few months at the latest. Now I get to have all the fun of planning my perfect last day and the lead up. Yay. Probably going to do it soon.",Suicidal +8077,"No one love me anymore. that is all, I am now unloved forever Worth it",Suicidal +8078,"I cannot name the last time that I live for myself.I live for my mom because she would be pissed if I left herI live for my dad because he is paying for my education, and I would feel bad leaving when I am a semester away from graduating.I live for my roommate because I have to pay the portion for my rent. I live for my pets because no one else will take care of them.I live for my job because I have projects to do and bills needs to be paid.But I just do not live for myself. I do not find any happiness in all of this and never have. I have been hovering over this subreddit for the past four years and nothing has change.I do not know. I always hope things would change, but it just seemingly getting worse. I keep telling myself with every milestone in life, things will change.Well I moved out from home (things got worse), I have good grades (does not matter to me), I have a job in my industry (I do not enjoy it)..Not sure what to do. I am running out of excuses to keep on living. Life is only tolerable when I am drunk or high which is no way to live life.Idk, I guess I will just see what happens Let me rest. I am tired",Depression +8079,"I was going to hang myself last sunday but I got too scared and did not. I fucking hate myself for being a coward, I could not even do that. I fucking hate that, I hate myself, I do not know why I am like this, but now I know better and how to deal with this mindset. I am determined to do this, I have a full plan now. I am not going to run away this time I was too afraid to take my life the first time",Suicidal +8080,"I have not been happy in so long. I have been sleeping all day because being awake takes too much effort. When I cannot sleep I just do drugs because at least that is better than being sober. I am going to college in 3 weeks and I have no idea if I am ready and I do not want to go. I have always felt alone even though I have always had friends, nobody gets me and the one person who does is my gf of 3 years who is going to college a ways away from me. I have been wanting to die for so long and I feel like hopeless and unhappy. I want to die",Suicidal +8081,"This is a long post and is all over the place. I have to rant as I cannot ever physically say my emotions or feelings and therefore cannot tell my own therapist about this or anyone really. I have been suicidal since I was at least 13. There are notes as far back as 9 saying I might as well die to my doctors. My home life was never good.I have always said Ill die by 40 if I make no progress but it often feels like the earlier the better. My guilty conscience leads me to wait until my family is older. I have been struggling with burnout and usually no one notices in my family and ignores me (probably my fault since I get irritable). For reference, I am autistic (aspergers), have ADHD, anxiety and depression. The latter three since I was 6 years old. My little sister came into my room tonight and made me dinner (leftovers, she knows I do not eat regular meals. I forget or food just is not appealing.. I am very picky and she knows me by now). Pretty sure she heard me crying and saw me cry earlier today, but its making me cry more that she even noticed. Maybe she did not notice but I know she caught on as I was crying as she brought me food. I know I have my own issues, but both of my little siblings are or have been suicidal and hospitalized and I just do not want to add on any pressure to anyone in my family. My older sister has a kid and a divorce at a young age and is unstable in many ways. But I am 25 now and its breaking me feeling so alone and I cannot be perfect. I have had to put on a show since my two little sisters came into my life when I was 15 when my mom got married (which I would not ever trade it was a good thing). I got my act together but instead just have the same issues I did at age 9 at age 25 and have not progressed socially at all. I have not dated. Never been asked out. I lose friends due to being impulsive and saying the wrong things. People say I am nice but somehow all of my relationships are superficial. No one reaches out to me for actual conversation unless they need something. I realized I am starting to suffer severe burn out. Doctors notes say at age 13 I said Ill stay in my room and just not talk. I have done that since and did not even know I saw that. My memory itself it very poor. But here is the catch. How do you deal with burn out when you cannot ever express your true emotions? I always lie on impulse and say I am watching a sad movie (which is what I did today and I referenced a movie I cried to recently called Ride Your Wave). I do not think I can be vulnerable. Therapy and medicine has not helped this because I am too stubborn to open my mouth and say more that the bare minimum. I either lie or get so angry if I have to express the truth, so I never express the truth. The anger is really me just being overwhelmed and I know that others cannot take that well and resent me for it. I was chastised far too often and hit too often as a kid for my fits. To be fair, I hit too. My parents never cared for positive reinforcement or bothered learning how to soothe a mentally ill child. My mother never listened to my doctors when they said she should try complimenting me for once (they legit said this as she was negative in my doctor appointments).How can I be vulnerable when no one ever took me serious enough when I struggled the most and it came off as anger? I got tossed aside so my little sisters could get the help they needed since I got good grades. My own stubbornness makes it so no one wants to help me or ask how I am or how I feel. I just answer I am fine. Its stifling. I never meant to push anyone away but why does no one ask me how I am or press further? It hurts. Sometimes I hate living with these conditions and nights like tonight when my little sister came into my room give me some hope. I am not completely hopeless, but 10 (25) years of working my ass off to feel like I have not gotten anywhere socially and I still cannot cook well and cannot get out of my room. People say to just try/do it. I try it and fail I get overwhelmed and cannot do it again. I am trying hard and they know I am behind but it seems I can only help myself but I just have not been able to. I know at this point I need to do things alone but how do I start? Not to mention there is no new psychiatrist available until October. Online ones exist but cannot prescribe the stimulant I take. I am just stuck. Thanks for reading. I am just not sure Ill be here when I am middle age if I do not progress or even a year. Being behind is hard and people make fun of you if you are a picky eater or are a creature of habit but I cannot help it. Why cannot people be more understanding. Why cannot I understand myself. Its a two way compromise but I am so stubborn I get nowhere. How much longer?",Suicidal +8082,"Today I had a good day, I quit my toxic job and received 4 calls for better jobs apart from that I sold things that I tried to sell for 2 years and made contact with old friends it was a very productive and good day / week but I do not feel like that, always at the end of the day I have a feeling that everything I do is wrong, that it must have been better if it had not been me, as if I were evil, bug, something that should not exist, which every night goes to the same thought ..... should I still be alive?(If what I feel or post does not go on this subreddit sorry in some way I think I had to remove it but I do not want to bother anyone, sorry) Today had a good day but not feel like these",Depression +8083,And that is fucking disgusting. This is why the world should be hit by a meteorite and destroy the scum of humanity. People make fun of suicidal people,Suicidal +8084,"I will not lie, I put on a good poker face so that when people look at me it seems like my life is sunshine and rainbows. Hell, I have even had people tell me that it seems like I live a fun life. I am young, fit, pretty successful for my age, and not an ugly looking person. Underneath all of this, there is an insecure little boy that suffered from sexual assault as a child, severe bullying, had an eating disorder for 8 years, has mentally abusive parents/has been in toxic relationships, and has panic/anxiety attacks every night. I do not actually have any close friends despite having people that want to be friends with me. When I try to talk to people, it does not feel genuine or they have this expectation of me based on my image that does not reflect who I am as a person. Its exhausting that people think I am a huge ball of fun energy and loves to party, that is not who I am at all. And when they find out how I actually am as a person, it sucks because I literally see them lose interest in me. My family raised me and distilled values of perfectionism and reputation to the point that they stripped me of any bit of originality. When I try to be myself around them, I get told I am being weird or what will people think about you. My own mother calls me ugly and points out the smallest imperfectionsI go on dates and people just want to have sex with me for my body, and when I want to develop an emotional connection I get blown off - often times because the other side did not expect me to be as emotional as I am and it scares them. I feel like I have no one to be vulnerable with and it makes me feel so unbelievably lonely. The thing is, I do not think I have ever felt like I was not lonely. Who am I living for? What am I even working so hard for? How did I even get this far? On the outside everything looks perfect",Suicidal +8085,"I put this together while sobbing so hard I almost made myself vomit last night. I had a pounding headache, had to hold my breath so my parents would not hear me crying.I have been in love with her since 2018. Was rejected and ghosted in 2020. I cry constantly and have been grieving every day for 3 years. I have never hd a girlfriend before and I am 25. The pain from never being able to be with her has contributed to my decision to kill myself; I have already attempted but failed to hang myself a few times. Its something I have to cope with every day. Its a sickness that never goes away. Its a pain that is not just emotional but physical. Again, I have been dealing with this every single day since fall of 2018.It reads.Dear K,I wish you knew how special you are to me. I wish you knew you how happy I would be if we were together. But I know that would not make you happy. So, I have to let you be happy. That is what I want, because I love you so much.I wish you knew how happy you make me. I wish you knew how full of love my heart is for you. I wish I could hold you in my arms and protect you so that no one could hurt you.When I was young, I learned the word for always in French: *toujours.* It always sounded like a beautiful, graceful, yet heavy word to me. Something about how it sounds. It sounds melancholy, sentimental, but genuine and strong.you will always be in my heart. Toujours. Always. you will always be in my heart. I promise.I love you so much. I have written a few suicide notes I am going to send to a few different people when I do it. This one is going to the girl I am in love with.",Depression +8086,"Whenever I see couples, whether online or in person, I instantly get an intense wave of sadness. I soon start to dwell over it and I start to get suicidal ideation. Love is the one thing in my life that is lacking, I can never get a boyfriend no matter how hard I try. Its also the main reason why I am suicidal. Does anyone else ever feel this way whenever they see lovers? I am having one of those nights and I want to die. Couples",Suicidal +8087,"I work in a shop. Its not even been a month yet I have already come to hate my job, I feel so broken down and just totally drained, physically and emotionally. I cry every morning before I leave for work, and I sobbed my eyes out in the bathroom yesterday for the entire lunch break. I am in the bathroom crying again now. I would literally give anything to be able to quit. I was 16 the last time I attempted suicide and I am honestly getting really strong suicidal thoughts now, I feel so trapped and helpless and alone. Crazy thing is I used to work in 2 other shops before and I loved my job then, I really do not know what went wrong this time. I am desperately unhappy at my job, to the point where I am considering suicide.",Suicidal +8088,"I am just so tired of living, everything is just so,,,apathetic almost gray if that makes sense idk.I have isolated myself from all my friends, i just sit around all day and be a waste of space to my family, my bf is probably bored of me, what have i actually contributed to this world ??? literally nothing.I am useless, waste of everyone is time and money, I am nothing, i do not matter, nothing matters anymore nothing matters.",Suicidal +8089,Drowning in the pain of it all. Wondering how long before he moves on. Sad as fuck. I do not think my husband loves me anymore,Depression +8090,I hate who I am right now at age 28. I feel like I failed highly in my relationships family peers etc. I hate having autism with disabilities and mental illness. I am Catholic and try to keep my faith. Highly feeling suicidal ideation,Suicidal +8091,"I cannot live with my anxiety anymore, I cannot handle it.. not in a life like this, I just hope if there is something after this life it will be more kind to me then this life was, everything I have had to go through in my life has lead to nothing but more suffering, more pain. it is a cruel fucking random game life is. I do not see any reason to live anymore, nobody In my house listens to me, I guess talking to me about literally fucking ANYTHING is the most difficult thing ever, every. GOD DAMN. THING. yet they can criticize me however they want, I am lazy, I am Ignorant, I am negative, I am crazy.. fucking assholes. some people were not meant to be fucking parents, I will tell you that right now.. sharing anything with them is like talking to a god damn brick wall, my entire life you have just yelled at me and never pushed me to do anything out of my comfort zone. Now because of that I am, just useless... that is all I will ever be,I do not have any friends either, nobody who gives a fuck enough to listen to me anyways, which Is fine. I do not expect anyone to be friends with a mentally ill depressed awkward fucking retard tbh, if I was in their shoes I would probably do the same, so no hard feelings there :) part of me feels bad for doing this now considering what just happened in my mom's family 4 days ago.. I wish I could push myself to stay a little longer and did not have to put her through losing someone else, but I do not think I would be able to help her anyway.. I feel like putting her through this now instead of later when she just started healing would be less-cruel, but I do not know.. I just hope my dad will be able to help her through this, but I cannot continue, I do not want to continue.. I do not want to waste so much pointless fucking energy just to grow old and die alone, I do not want to continue living In a fucking awful home filled with people who do not even acknowledge me, I do not want to continue being alone while everyone around me has some connection to something or someone... so, I am done. I do not want to continue, I am pissed, I am depressed, I am done.",Suicidal +8092,"This is always when you gets bad for me. it is always late at night and I do not know who to turn to, so I guess I am here. I know I do not have it near as bad as others but but when I get low, I just...sit around. I tell myself that it is too early to go to bed. So I do not. I tell myself I want to play a video game as I love that, and I just scroll my library for 2 hours. Convincing myself I do not want to play any of the 150 games I have. The worst part is I SEE it happening to me. I am fully aware I am in a slump and I do not know how to get out. It terrifies me. Any tips for breaking through the fog? How do I stop feeling like I want to and do not to do anything at the same time?",Depression +8093,"I might vent a lot, but mostly I do not want to feel alone tonight even tho i am Can someone please talk to me?",Suicidal +8094,"I am tired of being alone. I do not have any friends to talk to or hang out with and I have never dated anybody before. I was a loner in school and did not make any friends, I sat by myself everyday at lunch and never had anybody to talk to. My dating life is the same way, since I never really had friends I never got the chance to talk to any girls either. I have never dated a girl or been in a relationship with one. I am 23 and live by myself, and honestly, I have a pretty good life. I am responsible, independent, have money saved up, and I always have a job. I am doing really well for myself, especially for my age. It would just be nice to have somebody to reach out to or some people to hang out with. I would also like to start dating but I have no idea how to meet girls, especially when you have no friends. I have just been going about my life the last few years but I am starting to get really depressed. I do not want to be alone like this 20-30 year's from now, and it seems like now that I am out of school and working it is even harder to meet people. The only time I meet new people is at work. I know I obviously need to make friends, but how? I play my guitar, go fishing, cook, and I also like to read. I know what I need to do i just do not know how to do it...like how does somebody who has zero friends just starting making them? And how can I start getting in the dating scene? And please do not say online dating, I have tried it already. I just seriously need help with my situation because I think about this every day and I really start to get depressed sometimes. Anybody who replies to this post, your advice is greatly appreciated, thank you! I seriously need help",Depression +8095,"I do not know where to begin. It feels like there is too much to say, and it all feels complicated. I do not understand myself first off, so it will be hard to explain my feelings to those reading this. I cannot exactly identify my feelings a lot of times. I used to feel true joy, the kind of joy where I felt alive and vibrant. I think I lost this kind of joy in about 8th grade or freshman year of high school. I now am graduating as a senior, and I still feel the same way. Its not like I am necessarily sad. I can feel ok, but i will never feel like the funny girl who could make someone light up from my jokes and personality like back then. I can never feel completely alive. I can never feel completely like myself. I guess along with this, its like I never feel truly happy? I am confused on when I feel happy or not. To be honest, maybe I am never completely happy. Its confusing. I would say actually that I do feel happiness, but its artificial. Its still really cool in those moments when I feel that type of happiness, but it just is not enough? Its like I cannot feel the same with people as I used to. I cannot bond with people the same. Its like I feel robotic almost in conversation? Not much emotion is there lol. I would say that with sadness, perhaps there is always a gloomy disposition lingering in the back of my mind. Maybe for so long, its so hard to identify it. For so long, I have also felt bouts of anxiousness. Even now maybe anxiety is apart of me and its lingering in the depths of my mind I cannot reach out towards because I can barely even identify it. At this point in my life I am just scared Ill be like this for a very long time, I simply do not know if I would want to exist if I knew Id be like this for the rest of my life. I already feel doubt in life, but its because I am so young and just getting into the world and discovering it that I have hope, hope that Ill change and that Ill go on to do great things and experience great things. I am so worried though, I am worried of different things at different periods of my life. It seems like I have new anxieties here and there while simultaneously feeling a sense of uneasiness always inhabiting the back of my mind I guess. I am just not me anymore. Life looks grey I guess. I guess its looked like that for so long that I feel odd even bringing it up, like perhaps its just not true because this has been my normal for so long. Sometimes I feel like I need mental help but then feel stupid because I feel as though maybe there is nothing much wrong with me, but what makes me realize truly that there is probably something wrong with me is the thought of staying like this forever. It makes me not want to exist anymore, and whenever I come to that realization, I immediately know something is not right. I remember whenever I was talking to a nurse about how I felt, but its as though she brushed it off as simply being my personality. It felt wrong, and I hope its wrong. I really hope I will not stay like this forever, and that its not just my personality. It does not feel like that. It should not be like that, you know? I think I should add that I was on Prozac since the end of my freshman year until I think the summer before my senior year btw! Maybe that will help (: But I came here because I really would love to hear some advice overall. What am I experiencing and how do I even get out of this mess? How do I feel alive again? What was it like for you? Just anything at all helps, thank you so much <3 I have not felt like myself in so long",Depression +8096,"I mean, I could have everything in the world but I still feel like I would be fking depressed. I just cannot sometimes, the world is a shitty and dark place and I have been through some traumatic shit. I feel suicidal lowkey passively every day just every day i wonder why am I still here? I do not want to fail at trying so I just keep my head up and just go through the motions of life but it is exhausting. I feel like I cannot do what normal people do, have a 8 to 5 job and social life and be happy.Happiness is difficult for me. What is the point of life?",Depression +8097,"there is always been something wrong with me , I did not learn quick enough,did not pick up simple skills until years later than most people I am 27 years old and do not feel like a functioning adult at all I have to concentrate and stress just to complete simple tasks like a child walking around in a mature body , I am married now and trying to support us but failing,she deserves so much better than me i know deep down I will continue to let us down. A life spent beating your head against a wall is no life at all I am terrified of dying but even more scared of living like this and even worse dragging the people I care about down with me. I just want people to know I REALLY tried,I quit all the drugs and drinking and threw myself into menial jobs and took all the overtime I could get,I did excersise and ate well ,tried to pick up hobbies even though I am useless with no skills I tried to make it work with this broken fucking brain but I am just not cut out for this world.what is wrong with me was wrong from the beginning and is wrong all the way through me . I am so tired and just want to let go,the burden of being a worthless deadweight is too much I know if I end it people I love will get hurt but surely I will hurt them more inadvertently blundering through life the way I am . I am defective",Depression +8098,And what was your experience like during diagnosis? When and where did you all get diagnosed?,Depression +8099,I do not want to live anymore what is the point. My family does not give a shit about me they tell me I am weak all the time since I was a kid. I feel worthless. I cannot handle these fucking emotions. Dying keeps seeming like a better option than living. I feel so so worthless what is the point i do not feel loved by my family they constantly put me down and criticize me. I am not happy with living i do not want to be here. I do not want to live,Suicidal +8100,I am Newley married and my suicidal thoughts are coming back! I want to love everyone and that is important to being the person I want to be but I keep getting thoughts where I look at someone and for no reason get a thought like she is a bch no reason to believe that and I definitely do not think that I just see them or hear them. Its eating me alive and I feel like I am this horrid person cuz they feel like they will never go away. My wife I love her to death and do not want to leave her but I have started contemplating sui**e again. I hate this because I feel like I am this horrid human having these thoughts then just my anxiety compounds and I thought I was done with all this depression stuff so why am I feeling this way again I have not contemplated sui**e since I was like 16-17 and I am 21 now! Any advice on anything cuz as of now I cannot afford therapy! I just kind of needed to vent thank you for any comments! [TW] Newley wed and desperate,Depression +8101,"Why do not women like me... it is been years since I have been touched, I just want someone to hold my hand again, to tell me they love me... I want to be kissed again I miss being touched",Depression +8102,"(23 M) I come to this sub every now and then for something to relate to, to hear about people who seem to be experiencing life the way I am. It does not matter what life events are occurring, good or bad, people of all ages are impacted by depressive thoughts and ultimately suicidal ideation. I really do not know if I could ever do it. I think about it all the time, even while enjoying the time I spend alive. Recently more than ever it just seems like a real possibility, something to almost look forward too. I cannot think about it without thinking about the people who know me and love me, the problems it may because for them is the main reason I do not do it. When I think about it I also think about the larger picture, the reality of this situation. I understand that even in our darkest moments, tormented by our thoughts and clinging to life by whatever threads we have left, we still do things like this, like reaching out on this sub. As small as this action is, its so powerful. Everyone reaching out and opening up on this thread is so powerful, so desperate to live. Even when all hope is seemingly lost, we compile our thoughts and essentially throw a lifeline in an attempt to save our own lives. Think about how amazing that is, even if we feel so unloved, so hopeless, so lost, ashamed, abandoned, dreadful, or sorry, we still reach out in order to save our own lives. We reach out to beautiful strangers on this app to assist us in this journey of life, to give us just something, anything to survive, or at least make it easier to live a little longer. We are our own friends, we are the people who unconditionally love ourselves, we are programmed to keep fighting, typing a message and sending it on this sub is a huge testament to our strength as humans. You may want to die, but in the most sincere and loving way I can possibly say this, you reach out here, you read these messages because you simply want to live. I hope that no matter what you choose to do in your life you realize the power you have over yourself and your ability to change your own world. You are your own beautiful lifeline, whether you realize that or not. Here I am again",Suicidal +8103,I feel like an empty pit of nothing but sadness and despair and loneliness. This is not supposed to be what my high school years are like. I am basically set up to be the happiest girl ever but I cannot. I do not even deserve to be here. Why cannot I just be happy,Depression +8104,"For a while, everythings been ideation- mostly it still is, but the ideas are becoming real. A plan is forming in my head. Details to be decided. Obstacles to circumvent. An idea has taken hold. Finally forming a plan",Suicidal +8105,"I decided to stop cutting myself but I still got the habit to hurt myself when I am overwhelmed so I end up hanging myself in my closet until I can handle it, when I feel like I am just about to pass out I get up and suddenly feel much better. Hopefully one day my legs give up on me so I can finally end up killing myself. New habit",Suicidal +8106,Does anyone have any tips for anxiety and suicidal thoughts? Tips,Suicidal +8107,"This will probably be my last post, I feel no reason to live, my life is just empty, I am going to stab myself. I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +8108,"I had a fairly decent life untill i grow up and I always helped people who had a idea of killing themselves many times back in highschool so this is not a random topic for me, I believe I have changed many people's mind and helped them get better but for the last few years things started to fell off one by one.What exactly do I mean by started to fell off? The girl I met in high school and then become lovers died after 4 years of dating after high school, family is also non existant, had health issues etc.I was pretty okay with many stuff starting the life without a lack of family, having hard time to find my place in the social life and such and always felt strong enough to deal with everything but as the time goes I just got tired of being strong, acting strong, trying to implement myself in to social life and finding people to bond with have a good time with.And recently by losing the last person I felt some connection to the world being gone and myself having some health issues that may or may not be important, having to lose all my friends and now that not being able to find new people and such, I just got really tired, really tired, I carried so much stuff as a child and a grown up but somehow I am now exhausted I never thought I will be this tired in life like ever.I always been a observer but I am tired of being one because I cannot fit myself in to anything nowadays and I am tired of seeing people being happy with something/someone I started to get jealous and question my life and found the details I ignored all this time.That questioning part lead me to asking; Did I really deserved everything? Because should not that be go like, bad things happen then you get some happiness and then it gets a straight line for normal and always climbs up for people who are extremely lucky. (I know there is no rule this is just a random vent I guess?)I concluded on that I do not deserve to be alive and I do not fit in anywhere in life anymore. So therefore I believe that I should just give up at this point because I had enough, I tried enough, I fought enough.Funny part is I still love life, how things go for people around me as I said I spent so much time observing them and I like how good things going for them etc. I am just tired of mine going flat down with everything, literally everything.I kind of do not expect anything from anyone and I still have like a pages of things that I can talk about and the saddest part is I am aware of literally everything; my situation, what should I do, how I sound etc.Anyways this is the chaos going on in my head that I plan to solve by giving up,Thank you. I think I have arrived the end of this road.",Suicidal +8109,"I do not even really know how to say what I want to say. All aspects of my life are fulfilled rn and I have everything physical that I could want (which I do not want a lot so that part is easy) , financially secure, have pets that I love, have a job I love, have a partner, and a part of me feels like that is making life worse. Cos I have no wants or needs right now but I still feel like not being here. I just do not see a point. I feel like my only purpose in life is to make others be happy or do anything that I can to make their life better but it still is not helping much.I just daydream about not being here anymore. There is a quote that I read: Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace. and that is all that I hope for these days. I so badly just want to get a bottle of alcohol, call an uber, go to the nearest bridge and just let go of everything and forget existing. I feel like I was not meant for this world. I do not think I have ever truly been happy. I know nobody can help but I just wish that something could help this. It sucks feeling this way and just constantly wanting to do that. :( Life is so empty sometimes.",Suicidal +8110,"But its doubtful anyone does or will again. I am not worth anyones time, idiot loser. I had multiple chances and I sabotaged them all. Sorry if you are reading this. Just move on, I do not want comfort, I want to disappear. I would really like to believe anyone cared",Suicidal +8111,Earlier today I was thinking how I might just be able to do this. Get feeling better and stay feeling better. It would mean I could stop bothering a couple of people that I turn to for support.This evening I found out one of them has COVID and the other is getting tested tomorrow.I will gladly have my depression return non-stop if it means they are both okay. Please let them get better. I would give my life for them to have more time together. It is selfish of me to get feeling better,Depression +8112,"death is really the only truly permanent thing we have. every time I am happy, i know that ill just go back to being sad. that is my default stateevery time i think of anything else, ill inevitably think about my trauma againdeath solves both of those things. i know that nothing awaits me when i die. i cannot think anymore. my trauma cannot haunt me. i will not ever feel happiness, but more importantly, ill never feel sadness. ill never have to feel like i need to starve myself to be pretty again. ill never have to worry again about fucking up my life even worse. its comforting knowing that I am going to end all of that. for the first time, ill have peace every decision i make is wrong and every feeling of joy is fleeting",Suicidal +8113,"Like who do i need to proof my worth to? Random strangwr I will never talk to,or myself?I do not know like why tf should i care if others see my worth because i do not see it. Others say I am kind and can appreciate others for who they are, ok fine but how does this add or reduce anything to my 'worth'Sorry might be the wrong subreddit What is the concept of worth?",Suicidal +8114,I just cannot anymore I cannot,Suicidal +8115,"Kind of hard to explain in full detail, but I kind of always thought I was a worthless piece of shit but also thought ""hey I am kind of better than other people at this one thing"" which was useful as a job so I figured I would just tough life out so my parents would not be sad and all that stuff. But recently I realized that no, actually, you are not very good at your job, you should have been fired years ago, you cannot get a new job, and you are too useless to do anything else. So my options are essentially to leech off my parents for my whole life or be homeless. Or, possibly, constantly get hired on for low wage menial work and be fired within a few weeks for sucking. I choose option 4 as I do not see any value in life anyway. My desire to not have my parents be sad is no longer strong enough to keep me here. Too bad for them that they took the chance and had a child. I am only partially delaying as the method I have chosen could be dangerous to people so I am trying to figure out how to avoid anyone getting hurt. It should be quick and relatively painless though. I just need a very empty space or something to counteract the toxicity after I perish. Of course I would prefer to have nembutal but getting your hands on it is such a hassle and it is hard to be sure you are actually getting nembutal if you try to get it from seedy sources. I bought a shit ton of candy and sweets and am enjoying eating them though, probably actually truly enjoying them for the first time in my life since I am no longer thinking ""boy I should not be eating this crap."" Pretty Sure I will Kill Myself Soon",Suicidal +8116,"To my single father who raised me for the past decade, I am sorry. I hope in the next life, you get a stronger daughter. You deserve better. I am sorry. Apology.",Suicidal +8117,"I have spent the vast majority of my life severely depressed. I have always felt like a loner, desperately wanting to connect to others but with no idea on how other people do it. I recently was told my my therapist that I might suffer from childhood emotional neglect, and fuck if all the symptoms do not describe me to a tee.Its hard to accept that I might have been neglected, even though all the facts of my life point to it. I am having a real tough time now, and I really do feel like all I need in the world right now is someone to hug me and tell me its going to be okay. All I need is someone to hug me",Depression +8118,"I tried.I fought.I wanted to live.I dreamed. But I am sorry.I am too tired.A will into a resentment.A fight into cowardice.A dream into a nightmare.My tears, full of salt.And remnants of a future I will not see.I am sorry.I am too tired. I am sorry.",Suicidal +8119,"honestly i do not really know what i want to get out of this. its just everyone says that its good to tell someone about what you are feeling. but I am not sure how my mum will react and I am kind of scared.my suicidal thoughts come and go because i keep telling myself things will turn out okay. when bad things happen, i want to die. and then the problem gets solved and i will think that i was being overly dramatic for wanting to die. but then another problem arise and i think of dying again. it keeps happening and I am tired of being trapped in the cycle. it feels like people would not take me seriously if i tell them about this, because it seems like I am just a simple minded child who cannot handle problems and thinks that death is the escape.but i do not know how else to get out of it. its not like i want to be suicidal i just cannot control these thoughts. if my mum does not care, i would not know what to do anymore. thinking of telling my mum about my suicidal thoughts",Depression +8120,I am in a really dark place right now and I just need to know how I can prevent myself from doing anything to hurt myself. I feel like I am losing it. How to prevent hurting myself?,Depression +8121,"My life is not bad. I do not particularly enjoy my job. it is a family company and I started working there about 5 years ago to get it off the ground however now I am 27 and want to pursue a different path. I have had a girlfriend for almost 7 years. she is unhappy with me. I do not think she will leave me though. I have a major gambling issue. Whenever I get real anxious I find casino games get my mind off it.I just wish I was not my own worst enemy. I am not killing myself I am doing something worse, I am tearing myself apart while everyone who I love has to watch and burden them. My fear of death keeps me alive. Will the pain get so bad that death may sound nice? I constantly have Suicidal thoughts but I am too scared to die.",Suicidal +8122,"I just want to soothe this pain,Drugs,drink... I do not care I just want it to simmer.I am so tired, so alone... it hurts to exist at this point.I want to cry but the tears feel so worthless...I know it will not stop, I just want to soothe it. How",Depression +8123,I am so tired of depression. One of the worst feelings i have lately is knowing if i did not feel this way so often i would be so much better of a person. I notice how much it holds me back and i always just picture would i could do and what i would be capable of if i did not feel this way all the time. I have had a few years in my life where i actually did feel ok and my head felt clear. I just wish i had that back Just tired,Depression +8124,Not you not one Not one god damn person on this earth gives a shit if I live or die,Suicidal +8125,"Hey you all.I am a 38 year old male, married with an 8 year old and a 8 month old. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for around 20 years now. I was passively suicidal about 3-4 years ago, but that feeling has since dropped of dramatically with proper medication, therapy, and leaving a life situation behind that I really struggled with.What I am really struggling with feeling alone and without people that care lately, outside of my own four walls.Growing up, I had a very close family on my mom's side. I have 2 brothers, 4 aunt's/uncle's and many cousins from those. We used to get together every Sunday and all major holidays.My mom passed away back in 2008 and nothing family had been the same since, especially for me. My mom was amazing - she was my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, and talked me off every ledge. After she died, My dad moved about 14 hours away. One of my brothers is estranged because of an incredibly dumb situation that he completely cut me off since about 6 years ago. I have tried multiple times to mend that fence, to no avail. I just get ignored. Since then two of my mom's siblings have also passed, and one moved across the country. My other cousins have either stopped talking to me because of my brother situation or moved away, or I am quite a bit younger so we never really got together much.I have also heard that quite a few of them think I am snobby, because I am one of the only members of my family to graduate from college and I make great money. I NEVER shove that in anyone's face though, and I do not want any of that to define me. The only two members of my family I have really even seen outside of weddings or funerals is my other brother and my dad. As previously mentioned, my dad is not around and my other brother is my best friend, and we are super close. About a month ago though, he decided to up and move south with his family because he could no longer afford to live in MA. Obviously I support him and want what is best for HIS life, but I was devastated.On the friends front, I have never been great at having close friends. I had a really close friend growing up but over the years we have drifted apart. I have a decent group of college friends, but none that I see or hang out with often - except one - and about 5-6 years ago he moved across the country to be with the love of his life. I am so incredibly happy for the guy but at the same time, I felt such a huge loss. I am honestly not that great of a friend anyway. When I go through depressive episodes, I tend to flake a lot.I do have a spiritual community, but I am not particularly friendly with any of them. I am also much younger than about 90% of the congregation. Tldr - I guess what is bothering me most is feelings of abandonment. I do not want to be close with people because everyone I have cared about has either left me, cut me out of their lives, or died. I am really struggling with relationships, and the thing most depressing me right now is if I happened to die - whether self inflicted or not - who would even show up to my funeral? I do not feel like there is anyone out there that gives a flying shit what happens to me beyond my wife and my girls, and that really sucks. I just want to feel important and cared for, and I do not feel like I have any of that. I feel like my wake would be about 20 people and none of them would even give a shit about actually wanting to me there, and that makes me sad. Feeling incredibly lonely lately",Depression +8126,"I was abused by my parents as a child, and I currently still live with them as an adult, because I do not have a choice. The authorities have been contacted on them before, but the authorities did not believe me (I have no proof of the abuse), and they just dismissed me, and basically told me I was being a bratty, ungrateful teenager to my well-meaning but imperfect and loving parents. My parents bullied and emotionally manipulated me into dropping accusations against them, and they successfully manipulated me into believing I am their abuser and they are my innocent victims, and I tearfully apologized to them. I hate myself for letting them do that, but they threatened my safety and possibly even my life if I did pursue legal action against them. I am being pretty much forced into staying silent about their abuse, and it is killing me. This is the only place I can talk about it. I currently cannot go to counseling. My parents are also trying to prevent me from moving out. I want so badly to get a restraining/no-contact order against them both, but I have no proof. Abused as a child",Suicidal +8127,"I keep myself as busy as possible knowing that when I am not busy, my mental starts tanking. But even being as busy as I have ever been. Having achieved some of my life long goals at 24 years young. Yet the time I get to myself, I just sit and heavly critique everything I have done and end up in badddd spot. Idk. Its exhausting. I hope at some point I am happy and content with my lifes work. Its hard to enjoy anything I have accomplished. By time I am approaching hitting one goal, my brains already like , what is next Almost like a sickness in me. I literally joke with my biz partner that I am just not well. Little does he know it are not a joke. Its hrd to talk to anyone about this type of stuff because I am just suppose to be happy idk . Hope everyone has a good night. Sorry for typos or w.e I try",Depression +8128,"I am always ashamed of posting here, because I think it is annoying to other people, even though I know there is thousand of members and no one will remember me. I am writting this as I am in my room and it' horryfing to notice the poor hygiene of the room,,the clothes piled up in the floor growing bigger. Every day is exactly the same, and every day fucking sucks. I literally have no motivation to live, to get up because I know exactly how it is going to end. Today I tried to make it different, I took a shower, I dolled up, went to visit my grandma. Not even an hour passed before I was ready to tear my eyes out. I hate being alive so much. I am young, and I hate it so much, to think I still have to live this shitty life God knows how many more years. it is getting bad again and I am so helpless. I lash out because my anxiety and my depression is not always crying. it is rage.Again, I do not know what to do.I cannot even pin point why It got bad again. I am out control. Getting back again",Depression +8129,"All this work, all this pressure that everyone puts on you to succeed. To go to a good college, get a good job, the normal things a lot of parents ask. All for what? I work my entire life and then what? Am I supposed to enjoy my ofttimes from studying or working being an ugly, socially awkward loser? Not able to talk to anyone, have friends; even when doing normally enjoyed things (video games, time off, etc.) all I can think about is how everyone else is probably enjoying their time with other people. Am I working for something or am I just working for the sake of working just because everyone tells me that is what I am supposed to do. Do people only tell you it gets better for the sake of having one more wage slave satisfy their demand for goods? What is this all for? All for what?",Suicidal +8130,"All this work, all this pressure that everyone puts on you to succeed. To go to a good college, get a good job, the normal things a lot of parents ask. All for what? I work my entire life and then what? Am I supposed to enjoy my ofttimes from studying or working being an ugly, socially awkward loser? Not able to talk to anyone, have friends; even when doing normally enjoyed things (video games, time off, etc.) all I can think about is how everyone else is probably enjoying their time with other people. Am I working for something or am I just working for the sake of working just because everyone tells me that is what I am supposed to do. Do people only tell you it gets better for the sake of having one more wage slave satisfy their demand for goods? What is this all for? All for what?",Depression +8131,I am lonely I made that very clear to her. An Acquaintance texted me an all of a sudden I am not lonely anymore she thinks she knows me so well but she has never met the real me. I have the biggest hopes and dreams and I do not feel like I can achieve them they are starting to fade away just like my personality. I know this is all over the place. But please send help. My mom downplays my depression,Depression +8132,"I really hate what we all deal with. Everyone I tried to call did not pick up. The ones that did had the ""Can I call you tomorrow"" talk. I do not want to deal with this anymore. And of course I am being strong to not hurt anyone. It just always sucks knowing the only person that you can depend on is yourself. I just needed to rant. I hope all of you get through your problems and live a great happy life. What kills me",Depression +8133,"I know I am notMy ocd is awfulMy body dysmorphia is literally killing me I AM fat and ugly, my own boyfriend is secretly not attracted to me. I know it.I have no one to talk to because I am embarrassed about it.I talk to my boyfriend but he just gets mad.I know I do not want to kill myself but my mental illnesses do. I think I have post partum depression too still even though I am 5 months out I wonder what it Is like to be mentally healthyI wonder what it feels like to be wantedIt hurts so much and I am pathetic because others have it so much worse I feel so alone",Suicidal +8134,"Its like we hit rock bottom and then went 10 levels lower than that. Everythings backwards, nothing matters or makes sense. My mind is jumbled on a daily basis more than ever before. Maximum brain fog. Even staying away from the news, social media etc, does not make it much better. It was already tough enough personally before any of this. Truly hard to find any meaning in this world Anybody else feel like the world has lost its mind beyond belief?",Depression +8135,My girlfriend of 3 years recently committed suicide and it broke me like I feel hollow I cried for 3 days straight leading up to her funeral when I got there her mom ran up to me hitting my chest crying saying I could have stopped her and I should have know she was depressed her mom blames me for the her daughters death her husband brought her away and her sister told me I had to leave the funeral. I turned away in tears crying Do you honestly think I knew and did nothing about it. I wish it me instead of her I swear to god I did not know she felt like that. I hate myself,Suicidal +8136,26 and I lost my best friend of 15 years. He was the only person I thought cared about me. My ex cheated on me with him and he chose her. She was my first real girlfriend and I put so much into her. Now I have to think about how they are having a wonderful time together and I am completely alone. No one will care when I am gone. I have zero impact on any of the lives I am a part of. Everyone just tolerates me until a replacement shows up. No one will care when I am gone,Suicidal +8137,"As a person being someone is boyfriend, can you help your partner not to see life so cruel? She has been suffering for so many years and literally she tells me that I am too good for her but I do not want to leave her since I want and I feel able to help her or minimally be close to her but she tells me that her life will not last more than 1 year, since just the day she turns that day that day she will kill herself and it is a margin of time that I have but still I do not know how to encourage her anymore That yesterday she tells me that she began to think about her life and does not remember any happy moment she had and then in the end I managed to calm her down and everything was fine until today where her brother hit her and almost killed her by hanging her and the fight did not tell me why it was but her own mother challenged her brother to kill her and at the end of a single madness step and she meanwhile told me this in her room, kind of what the fuck am I going to do in the sense of, I am 18 years old, I literally think of ways to make her feel better but not I can be even less, (where I live then at You 18 are not necessarily independent anymore) so I do not know what to do to help her since I feel that the more time passes the worse it gets and my efforts are useless, and it does not help me to leave and leave her alone since that may make her decide already kill yourself and I do not want that. I do not know what to do, that is why ask for even some advice (I do not tell my parents because I feel the answer is obvious) My girlfriend has depression and more problems and how her boyfriend does not know what to do even if he is willing to help her",Depression +8138,I do not even know what to do anymore. I am so fucking done. I hate myself so fucking much. I want to be different but the thoughts are always there. I just want to die so i do not have to deal with this. I am so tired of being tired.,Depression +8139,"So to me that means that being depressed means I am pressed down I side myself, because the environment is not safe for me. Sometimes small changes make the environment safe- different dress, behaving certain ways, etc. But it is more interesting to me how I can change my environment by changing parts of me that I am ok with changing. I do not want to change parts of myself, my personality, values and characteristics. I like and respect these parts of me that remember reality and events and protect me. But I am willing to change parts of myself like, the actions I take to connect with people. The actions I take to be more ""pushed our"" into the world, environments where it is safe for me to be seen exactly as I truly am. The etymology of depression means ""to push/press down""",Depression +8140,Instead of getting better I get worse. I feel poisoned.I take the steps I see before me and it is like the ground changes with every step.I feel lost.Things I do should be making it better....even a grain of sand at a time and all of it turns to despair. I feel broken.I do not know how to make another step when I feel like all I will do is hurt everyone I see.I feel poisoned by all I am. I feel poisoned,Suicidal +8141,"I hate existing. Today I woke up thinking I can make it work but again, I cannot. My family hates me, I hate myself, I can never be better. Just when I thought I can be better, the universe just keep pushing me into the dark",Depression +8142,"I have been stuck for years and there is no way to get out. I was unhappy, I am unhappy, and will continue to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I cannot claw my way out and no one even knows I am down here. Trapped at the bottom of a dark well.",Suicidal +8143,"does not seem like a bad idea, just grab a couple dozen energy drinks and a couple pots of coffee and chug them all down in one go. That cardiac arrest is probably going to hurt like a MF, but my will to live is growing weaker by the day. What is the point of living anymore, I am tired of nightmares every night and the real world. Nicotine overdose might work too. How many cigarettes ad vapes would it take to kill ya? Maybe alcohol would be the better way to go, just get like fifty beers or something maybe a hundred. How bout them other drugs? Not that I have access to them, but that would be nice. I know it is not funny to joke about this kind of stuff, if I did not fear death or the possibility of there being an afterlife, I would be gone in a flash. Well I guess I am slowly killing myself by smoking, so maybe I should stop that. Not that I want to, but I do not want some higher power being like ""hmm, you smoked them cigarettes being fully aware what they do to you? Okay time to send another form of your consciousness to an even worse place MWHAHAHAHA"" Not calling it God, the abrahamic deity called God is so fucking childish, if there was really a creator or high power of some sort, it would not be some dude that said humans were in the image of him, getting angry and jealous, and having three different forms yet saying they are all one. Maybe there is no creator or higher power and the pre-existent bigbang has always existed. I do not know dudes, but I am sick of living, but I do not want to kill myself then become something else within the universe or reality and have dark energy push ""me"" into an even worse place(or I do not know how dark matter dark energy works but something like that) I feel like I am cursed to suffer for all of eternity already. we are already in hell dudes, is it possible to climb the ladder and find the kingdom of heaven from within, I have no idea, but I guess I will try again. Maybe some meditation or something will help me, this world so fucked up yo. How could I possibly know I have not been existent an infinite amount of times? Can you try to think back to what you/it were like before you were born? You cannot, or at least I cannot. Maybe this is really the first time for existence to occur, but there are theories for infinite universes so I do not know. If the universe is possible, then I guess anything is possible. Maybe I am the only one that exists and all of you and everything else is an illusion with my brain and senses acting as filters and playing tricks on me, or maybe I am part of that illusion as well. who is fucking dream is this world? Or is this dream/illusion just self reliant on its own with no one or thing to dream it. An illusion implies that there is an opposite of that like a factuality or actuality or something idk. I am fearful of the unknown, and I do not know anything. I do not have the courage to go through with it. I guess I am not starving in a third world country or enslaved in human trafficking so it could be worse I suppose, I am a whiny kid with a smartphone acting like a little bitch, but I do have my own problems I will not lie. No friends, no partner, work all the time. Idk man. Caffeine overdose.",Suicidal +8144,delete me Delete this post,Suicidal +8145,"Back here again. Great. I was doing so well these past few weeks. And by so well, I mean not having the urge to count every building to check if its over ten stories or feeling numb all the time, but here we are. All over poop. I have not been able to shit for the past almost five days and spent the whole day today trying two enemas, a suppository, and laxatives. And nothing. Now, the thought of going to the ER over shitting is so mortifying and stress-enducing that I am back to my thought of just ending it all. The shit is a metaphor. Even when you think things are getting better, there will always be another shit storm waiting. I am so tired. Crying over poop",Suicidal +8146,"(Tw: suicide mention) I feel like nothing seems to excite me anymore. there is so much good in my life but for some reason I still do not feel happy. I am on meds, going to therapy twice a week, and yet I still feel like this. what is wrong with me? Its as if no matter what I do this numbness and emptiness is always there. Sometimes I can ignore it, but it never truly leaves. I know I cannot be happy as myself, no matter what happens. Its almost as if I have no choice, I know I am going to end up killing myself. Recovery seems too impossible, between school and friends and family I do not have enough time to get the help I truly need. I do not think there is anything that could even help me though, I guess I am a lost because. Everything feels so bland",Depression +8147,I would prefer to keep my identity anonymous but I am at high-school and I was basically a pretty energetic individual until I got hit with the fact that my friends hate me because of a stupid asshole I ended up becoming the quiet nerd not really as I was not working enough at my school work even though I am confident I am an excellent student. 2 years later I ask them again now if we can go out or something and they told me they would see 3 out of 9 people supported me and were able to make that asshole agree to voting which ended up being that I am not a person they would ever invite and my friends did not stand up for me they just rules are rules so I just cut all contact they can have with me which I think does not really matter because they would not give a fuck I have been suffering from social anxiety for many years and now the only thing that I can think of is why am I hated and for how long and I cannot talk to anybody else and now I am just surrounded by no true person I am breaking down and might have suicidal thoughts any advice please? My friends hate me hanging out with them because of some stupid assholes who hang out with them and I cannot take it anymore,Depression +8148,"was my friend's birthday today. she had people all day tryna congratulate nd spend time with her. i should not be... but I am so jealousno one knows my birthday anymore. but it is ok, i only have one more. so tired birthdays",Suicidal +8149,I am so fucking tired of feeling like this. A deep sadness deep into my bones. Exhausted,Depression +8150,"I work six days a week. I have been since November. I have been doing lots of overtime since Covid came into our lives. I pretty much gave up on trying to finish this semester at WGU. I have experienced a lot of grief and loss this year, trauma, routine changes and I am having more horrible days at work than okay days. I have to convince myself daily to not call in, as Id feel guilty and still not enjoy the day away from work. I am burnt out. I think its time for a new job. I miss snuggling my cat. My grandmother passed two weeks before my cat. Sold most of my stuff to move and then lost one of my good friends in a shooting in April.I am all over the place and I want to be left alone, or maybe not asked to do anything else. I am too in my feelings to play video games or watch TV. I do not want to go anywhere but I know existing on the couch waiting for bedtime is not good either. I keep making therapy appointments. I schedule them for two hours later than I should finish my work shift, but something always seems to come up that makes me just a few min too late to have the session. I am not sure what I am looking for here. I am just tired. I am tired",Depression +8151,I cannot even hurt myself... I wish you could just get euthanized right away I AM TRAPPED IN THIS WORLD,Suicidal +8152,Hello I am a 16 year old out of Germany that lives in MV and i came here to ask if someone is willing to help me killmyself personly i preffer a gun but other methods are also Welcome so yeah Me,Suicidal +8153,"We cannot even act surprised either. He told all of us how depressed he was. The last time I saw him he said his mind was going to dark places. The way he said it though was so ambiguous. he would always smile and laugh after. Id give a generic response like oh do not say that, or some bullshit. When I found out today though, it hurt in my heart because I have been thinking about it too. I did not tell my friend. I have said the words before to people I considered friends but no one ever knows what to say or says the right thing. What do you do anymore? So much pain and sadness this year. I just found out my friend committed suicide.",Suicidal +8154,"I met my ex-wife when I was 19 and after 3 months she insisted that we get married. Obvious red flag, and I knew that then, but I had extremely low self esteem and thought it was a miracle that anybody would be interested in me in the first place.I thought that if I said no, Id lose her and be alone the rest of my life so I agreed. Thus began one of the worst chapters of my life.To keep a long story short(ish), naive sheltered me ended up introduced to hard drugs, got my shit kicked in by a meth head trying to rape my wife, watched her nearly die due to OD, wandered several states homeless, and got constantly reminded that she did not love me, but just married me to get away from her insane mom.She ended up pregnant and a few months after our daughter was born, she told me she did not need anything from me anymore and filed for divorce. She wanted me to just agree to disappearing from my daughters life, but there was no way in hell I could do that, especially since my own father disappeared shortly after I was born, so I fought it.Me disobeying her made her furious, so during the divorce/custody hearings she accused me of everything under the sun, saying I was physically/sexually abusive, a pedophile, that I trafficked her, etc. etc. She had nothing to support any of those claims because they were bullshit, but I was investigated by DHS and law enforcement three times, because she just kept making worse and worse accusations.In the end, she got full custody because the judge said every child should be with the mother not the father (were in a deep red state), and I got standard visitation. The next several years were their own nightmare that I will not get into because this is getting too long, but she constantly tried to poison my daughter against me and my family and was generally extremely toxic. Luckily, my daughter is smart and saw through the lies.Her mom re-married, had another daughter, then around the time my daughter was 8, she decided she did not want to be a mom anymore and just left to who-knows-where.My daughter moved in with me and we heard almost nothing about her mom until my daughter was 12 when we found out she hung herself.I have never cried so hard in my life, not for myself, but for empathy for my daughter. I have to watch as my daughter now has occasional panic attacks, I have to listen as she occasionally weeps in the other room, and I have to feel guilty as a small hateful part of me is glad that her mom is gone and cannot spread anymore poison. I try to suppress that part and I feel like a terrible person because of it.tl;dr Married a deeply troubled person who killed herself and I have mixed feelings about it. My ex-wife, mother of my daughter, killed herself.",Depression +8155,"I am moving on. I cannot forgive them, so Ill just pretend they are dead or never even existed. All pictures of them in my phone- deleted, my social media- deleted. Its not healthy to hold a grudge this long. If I am already suicidal, why not just TRY to have a better life? Nothing to lose. Should just take the chanceif nothing matters in the end. Ill become a new person and meet new people. Worst case scenario: I fail but still learn and get the experience. And yes, I am going through withdrawals rn. Instead of killing myself, Ill kill them (in my head)",Suicidal +8156,"So uh yeah as what the title says, I fucking had enough because I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts with 3 years plus self harm. My family do not understand me even if they see me doing it they still tell me that I am looking for attention even I have been talking it seriously. School does not help out too because they seem to keep telling me how I am being lazy to not do my work and they clearly do not give a fuck about my feelings. Is there any good ways to kill myself I am already planning to do so I want to kms",Suicidal +8157,"I desperately want to leave. I am currently working a minimum wage job but I did not get a college degree (I only have an associates) and my dad (whom I live with) mocks me and makes fun of the fact that I cannot afford an apartment. Hes not even supportive, he just makes fun of me and says Ill never be able to move out. And I desperately want to.And yeah, why are apartments so expensive? Can I even afford a studio apartment? Idk.. I worked for 5 years at a cashier and never got a raise, no one did because the company went bankrupt. It was minimum wage. I hated it so I changed jobs and applied literally everywhere for 6 months and got the animal shelter gig. I am currently working at this dead end animal shelter job even though I enjoy it. Been doing this for the last 3 years. So yeah I am tired of him making fun of me, I am tired of feeling stuck, I wish I could move out with a minimum wage job, I do not know what bachelors degree I want, I do not know if Ill be able to even make time to get a bachelors degree, i do not have friends to move out with, I do not want roommates, I am just tired of not knowing what to do.. Pathetic post incoming, 31F still living at home",Depression +8158,"I know that what I think can be kind of stupid to most of you because, the fact that I am not good at math makes me feel kind of depressed, I was like below average in middle school and the same thing even in high school, the problem is that, when it comes to very difficult equations and problems my brain just cannot handle all that shit.The thing is that in my country, almost all universities have at least 1 math exam, even humanistic ones, let alone technical and scientific ones.So if you are bad at math like me you have almost no chance of ever getting a degree that will garantee you a decent job, or even getting a degree in general...I see everyone my age studying things I could never understand and I kind of feel inferior/much more stupid compared to them.I know this is a very unusual feeling, but that is what I feel about myself being a lot because in the Education world Not being good at math really penalises you in the university world",Depression +8159,"Its been on my mind for a few years now, but now I have wanted to end this life of mine. I have had 2 relationships both more than 7years end. I cannot take this pain anymore. I am in a country, far away from family. I do not want to go back to my family because I have failed in every single way. I am scared and alone. I just want this pain to stop. I have tried to look up many pro suicide forums but can not find any. As I sit here alone, no friend in my life, losing the love of my life. I just need my life to end. I want it to end. I cannot take this pain, its all my fault. Ending life is my peace",Suicidal +8160,Hello I been really struggling with depression recently and I am currently not able to get professional help. I am in a good place physically. I got a job at Yellowstone National park and my job comes with room and board so I was able to move out of an abusive living situation and I have good plans for after my contract here is done. Things should be good but I feel horrible and I am not sure what to do I am really depressed and I do not know why,Depression +8161,"All I want to do, all I have ever wanted to do is stay home, watch anime and play video games. Everything else is pain in the ass I am tired of life",Depression +8162,"If I waited another day or two, I probably would have passed in my sleep. I wish I had done that instead. I may be healthy but I have no path forward. I got sick and came close to dying. I got the bill today. Going to the hospital was the biggest mistake of my life.",Suicidal +8163,I am going through a huge rough patch right now and I know it will get somewhat better eventually. But the parts of my life where I am somewhat happy are so few and far between. It never feels like good times will last. Is living a life where 90% of it is pain and 10% is good really worth it? I do not feel like good times are worth waiting for,Depression +8164,"did anyone else develop a stutter from being depressed, what did you do to help you get out of it? how do you deal with the stutters?",Depression +8165,I laugh but do not like the joke. I smile but do not feel happy. I walk around aimlessly waiting for the day to be over just to start the process over again. My mind is foggy and my body does not want to move. I push through each day hoping something will change.When does it get better?When will there be someone that is there for me and not because they feel bad? I am about to finish up my internship and feel worse. People say they are proud of me and it makes me cringe because I do not deserve it. I have been a failure all my life why would it change now?My birthday was during the internship and nobody noticed... and for some reason that brought me joy knowing that nobody noticed me. That maybe if I disappear nobody would notice I walked on this earth. it is weird that this brings me joy... Where is my mind?,Depression +8166,"My roommates kicked me out, meaning I lost my cat. I just started a new job. My bank account is overdrawn and it will probably close on me. I do not have money to pay rent. My van broke down and I do not have money to fix it. I do not know what to do or how to fix myself. I am in such a lonely place right now. If I get locked up for needing help, Ill lose my new place and my new job. Idk how to keep moving forward. When will it get better? I want to die. Thinking of stepping into traffic",Suicidal +8167,"Just had one of the most fun weekend in years. Went out, hung out with friends, ended up separating from my friends and hung out with 3 strangers and explored the town for hours. Legitimately one of the most fun nights I have had in a longggg time. Literally was hanging out with these people and talking like we have been friends forever. Then it just ended. We went our separate ways and life went back to normal on Monday when I had work. I cannot stop thinking about how fun this weekend was but its also making me insanely depressed and sad. WHY? Like I just experienced something that brought me so much goddamn joy and happiness and its like my brain thinks I did not deserve it or that Ill never experience it again. Idk if this even make sense but fuck. It feels like I lost friends that I have known for a lifetime. What is wrong with me ? I knew them for 4 hours hahah Why do I get SO sad after fun days? Is this normal?",Depression +8168,"I started to have this feeling just last March this year, this is new to me so I am not even sure if I am already considered as having suicidal ideation. Whenever I have a thought about ceasing to exist I feel peace inside of me, it is like escaping from a cage I have been in for so long. I do not know what is this life have for me in the future, and I am thinking I will just be a failure. I wish I could just disappear like a bubble without having to go through physical pain but at the same time I was thinking of the people I would leave behind. I do not want to exist anymore but I do not want to kill myself",Suicidal +8169,"My sibling is trans (17, pre-op, ftm, he/them). Our parents are good parents, some bumps here and there. they are opposed to my sibling transition. I support my sibling, but I am not very good with words and kind of a coward. I have a hard time standing up to our dad about it. Our dad is a good man, but he is a butt sometimes. he is so supportive with both of us wanting to pursue artistic careers, teaching us how to be more independent, and will never abandon his us. he is firm about keeping us all together (since he is distanced himself from certain distant family). he is talked us both down from trying to kill ourselves more than once. But he seems so apathetic when it comes to this. I feel guilty for not being able to properly comfort them when they get depressed about it. My sibling and I are both LGBTQ+, are bipolar, have depression, and have anxiety, so I kind of understand how it feels when Dad acts like that. Our Dad has a bisexual sister and loves her (even though she always gets into trouble), so I know he does not hate us for being LGBTQ+. he is not exactly traditional either (he wants his daughters to be independent), so why cannot he be more supportive? I think it is the ""transition"" part he does not like. Maybe he is scared that my sibling will hate that body as well, if not worse. I understand the sentiment, but my sibling is dead set on developing a masculine body. I want to pay for it myself, but cannot. (I am 19, not a guardian, and broke). What can I do to comfort my sibling? Any good advice or thoughts? How do I comfort my trans sibling?",Suicidal +8170,"If I did not live with my dad, I would feel better about offing myself. The only reason why I have not attempted yet is because I do not want him to find me before I die. I do not want to risk being severely brain damaged. I wish I lived alone, so it would be easier to hang myself.",Suicidal +8171,i let this happen i should not have and now I am fucking Paying for it i need this to stop i swear to god I am going to kill myself before the date i gave myself. i feel so unbelievably guilty every single day my body gets worse and i my brain is just on slow mode or some shit help me i am a horrible person,Suicidal +8172,"New to posting here. On mobile so sorry for mistakes.I have (21F) been struggling with depression for about 5-6 years now but I have not gotten an official diagnosis yet. I do not think my parents want to admit I have it but I know I do.I did not used to feel this way. I was a happy teen for the majority of it. Things only really started to decline when I was 16. I have had ups and downs but its remained pretty consistent. However its been getting worse and worse since 2019. Even before all this covid crap.I have a nice life. I have a loving family and two wonderful parents that I love very much and who love me very much. I have some pretty great siblings too. I have a wonderful and amazing boyfriend that I met online last year and who is going to come visit me in September (unfortunately its a long distance relationship). I have a great best friend who I also met online and that I love very much. I have a good job (it does not pay enough at all and its incredibly boring but the family I work for is wonderful and is the only reason I have stayed with it for 3 years). I should be happy. I have so many wonderful blessings. But I am not.I have only felt worse and worse with each passing month. The depressive episodes are only getting longer and harder to crawl out of. I never want to do anything I like to do anymore. I cannot get excited about things that usually make me happy anymore. I keep having awful nightmares about feeling trapped, cornered, and helpless but everyone around me says Ill be just fine.I know I am loved. I know I am worthy of love. But I just feel so tired and lonely and empty. I am so sick of life.Sorry for the rant. I just feel really bad tonight and I had to vent because no one else is online or around to talk to. Tired",Depression +8173,Sick of it all. No clue what to do seems like the only option. Shit does not get better matter of fact it only gets worse fuck this Never thought about suicide this much in my life,Depression +8174,"hello,my father who is quite abusive and never took care of me during my childhood told me i need to decide whether i want to continue to live after i told him i can not survive the abuse and trauma i experienced and expressed my anger that he never helped me or protected me. he told me he has no fault since he had his own struggles and i should stop always dwelling on the past. however the present is destroyed by the past. i guess i should not have expected anything else since this man never seemed to care much father told me its my decision",Suicidal +8175,"(M 20) So I am writing this cuse iv been wanting to get it off my chest iv tried killing my self last week by overdosing and sent to the hospital then to a mental health facility i got out in 4 days and when I was in there I was feeling a lot better and thought I can do this but when I got out I realized that I am back were I started I am on antidepressants but you still have suicide thoughts and still depressed its so weird that I am alive and I have to work and live idk how to explain that but I was not ready to keep going with life I think about wanted to die again still depressed. I do not really have a purpose or some that cares about me I just want to be loved and wanted .Iv been bullied in high school cuse I was special ed and really quite it felt like if I said something worng or stupid they just laugh I just struggled with my math and English because I was in special ed class I struggle alot in the really world like with work. I had ""friends"" but I felt they just use me for my money so they were just being kind. after high school so called friends started using drugs and i have stayed off that path trying to be good. had a hard time talking to females very shy never went on a date to high school I wanted to date after tried dating apps went to partys and never made a connection. parents are not any help when in high school they verbal abused me so that and the bulling at school fuck me up there better now but I cannot talk to them and tell them you made my life even harder. I look at people I know and there happy getting married and have a good time and I ask my self why cannot I be like what is wrong with me that iv tried to put my self put there but nothing works Thank you if your reading this sorry for spelling errors if your depressed or suicide you not alone it hurts so much I know hugs for evey one love I tried killing my self a week ago and still want to and my back story",Suicidal +8176,"I have been struggling with some sort of depressive disorder since I was probably 9 or so and I am 28 now. When I was young I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes which I account for the beginning of all of this. Diabetes can be a real pain but is on whole quite manageable with the grin and bare it mentality I have developed. It took me 7 or so years to graduate university with a degree in biology, I second guessed my self so often it was easier to go to bed than accomplish anything worthwhile. Relationships are taxing when I cannot numb my mind, I process and realize outcomes quicker than they can become reality. Tonight I went to play trivia with friends as is usual. All of them bailed last minute but being the extrovert I am I was able to join a new group and had a bunch of fun with them. A person I would consider a crush was there tonight and after trivia I attempted to communicate with them. They ghosted me which was very unlike our previous interactions. I am stuck thinking about what all of this means in my head and the easy high of participating with a fun trivia group with the low of being ghosted is a lot to take on. I am stuck. Putting myself out there.",Depression +8177,"I have anxiety/depression and am on anti-depressants and am generally in a good place. Every so often I get in these really low moods, they last for a few days (more or less) and nothing seems to help. Is this normal? They usually go away, but when I am in them I have no motivation, I feel anxious, I have a really low mood, and I just feel like it will not end and I really want it to pass. I constantly google things and reasons why it might be happening because its so out of the blue! Does this happen to anyone else? Have any tips for getting through these ruts? Feeling down for a few days",Depression +8178,"Guys I want your sincere opinions: I got diagnosed recently and I tought I should tell my mom, only her since she is the closest family member and I was hoping that she could help me a bit or at least not make things harder. But when I tried to tell her she started making jokes about it. She does not seem like she cares much.it is really hard to sit down and have a conversation with her. So is it better if I keep going by myself ooooor should I try and tell her? Is it a good idea to tell my mom about my depression?",Depression +8179,"(M 20) So I am writing this cuse iv been wanting to get it off my chest iv tried killing my self last week by overdosing and sent to the hospital then to a mental health facility i got out in 4 days and when I was in there I was feeling a lot better and thought I can do this but when I got out I realized that I am back were I started I am on antidepressants but you still have suicide thoughts and still depressed its so weird that I am alive and I have to work and live idk how to explain that but I was not ready to keep going with life I think about wanted to die again still depressed. I do not really have a purpose or some that cares about me I just want to be loved and wanted .Iv been bullied in high school cuse I was special ed and really quite it felt like if I said something worng or stupid they just laugh I just struggled with my math and English because I was in special ed class I struggle alot in the really world like with work. I had ""friends"" but I felt they just use me for my money so they were just being kind. after high school so called friends started using drugs and i have stayed off that path trying to be good. had a hard time talking to females very shy never went on a date to high school I wanted to date after tried dating apps went to partys and never made a connection. parents are not any help when in high school they verbal abused me so that and the bulling at school fuck me up there better now but I cannot talk to them and tell them you made my life even harder. I look at people I know and there happy getting married and have a good time and I ask my self why cannot I be like what is wrong with me that iv tried to put my self put there but nothing works Thank you if your reading this sorry for spelling errors if your depressed or suicide you not alone it hurts so much I know hugs for evey one love Tried killing my self and my back story to my life I want to kill my self again",Depression +8180,Music does not work anymore. I am so lost. I am truly numb. Music does not even work anymore,Depression +8181,"Hi, I really feel lost and would like any input, I am a 29 year old married man and I work full time and recently bought a house. From the outside, it looks great but I feel so dead inside. Its because I hate my job and I feel like I am in the wrong field doing something I do not enjoy. I cannot quit as I got bills to pay and I am married and being jobless is not an option. I feel so trapped and do not know how to proceed. I feel like shit everyday. I work from home so I have no human contact other than my wife. I am depressed, not on any medication but I smoke weed and recently cigarettes due to my depression getting worse. Any advice is appreciated. I do not know what to do next to fix this as I cannot carry on life like this. I need help. Someone please give me some advice.",Depression +8182,"There is nothing in my life that i wish more than death yet i am still afraid of doing the thing. I am such a coward, i cannot live a life but i cannot even die, what the hell am i doing here? Seems to me that i am just forced to suffer.I really envy you Americans, living in the land of the free but i especially envy the second amendment of your constitution.If i was born American, i could have bought a shotgun and put an end to this stupid story. But i are not no American and the only way i have to take my life is through something painful or that does not grant instant death. Should i hang myself if i cannot achieve a full suspension? Hell no, low suspension method is too risky, takes too much time and there is always a chance for an ""hero"" to appear... Imagine living a life with a brain that is so rotten it does not allow you to wipe your ass, It would be surprisingly worse than before. Then should i just jump from height? And what if i cannot manage to land on the head? It will be an excruciatingly way to leave this place and i do not want to suffer more than I have already did in my life. What other choices do i have left? I do not know, i am not very smart and i cannot think of a painlessly way to die on my own but if you try to search on the internet for a way to do it, you will only get suicide hotlines numbers and related stuff.Everything related to suicide is literally censored. We basically have no right to die in this sick, cruel world to the extent that we are forced to stay here, just waiting for the death to come. That is sick, why is that so? It feels cruel to force people living a life of pain and suffering, it feels scary to think you do not have the right to take your own life. I am just waiting for the death to come.",Suicidal +8183,Sitting in the car on the way back to Las Vegas from the Grand Canyon with my boyfriend and his family on a vacation silently crying because you want to slit your wrists is just a whole nother type of feeling. Want to slit my wrists,Suicidal +8184,"Recently I have been trying to get my shit together, for instance; stop comparing myself to others, see the good in things first not the bad, understanding where I fit in in the world etc. But, as a long term sufferer of this disease I believe I can never fully change how my mind thinks, the traits which I am trying to change feel too deep rooted in my brain, and the constant daily reminders of what put me in the position my mind is in now seem to wipe any thoughts of change or positivity.I fear I am going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.What the fuck do I do. My mind is too far gone",Depression +8185,"I do not want to fail again, all I have done since I have been alive is fail or fuck up I am just tired and I want to end it all I do not even care if it hurts anymore I just want to be gone I do not sleep I feel nauseous when I see food I hate my body and my self more than ever, I do not feel like anyone cares the only thing that makes my life feel like I need to stay longer is my first child is on the way but my partner just does not care about how I feel or how I am feeling about my life our life, she just tells me to go back to my family who let me go homeless until I met her. I do not want to make anybody disappointed in me but I do not think Ill do anything worth being alive for I cannot do anything anymore I do not want therapy or meds I did that and it just made it hard to move I still have thoughts of hurting myself and rotting I am so sad and tired I do not want to be me anymore I cannot keep feeling feelings I do not want to be here but if I die Ill still make everyone disappointed I do not care what people are going to tell me I just cannot keep bottling up I am so close to hurting myself and ending it I am tired and overwhelmed but no one cares I want to be dead. I want to boil. I am so tired of seeing my face hearing myself breathing I hate eating I hate food I hate everything I want to be dead i hate people. I hate life I do not want to but I do not want to be alive anymore",Suicidal +8186,"What else to add? I did not chose to become pregnant and a single mother. (There is more story to this but I do not want to write too much right now, as it is really traumatic for me)My parents basically pressured me into keeping the child. But tbh I do not know if I would have been able to get a abortion (mentally) if they were not involved.I love my little one. I really do. Now it is too late anyway. I will do my best to care for my baby, but I am suffering. I would honestly kill myself if I were not pregnant/a parent to a child who needs me. How can I manage the pain for at least 18 years from now on? I am only 20 y/o and have no friends. I just have my close family (stepfather, mother, younger brother) and it is currently very stressful at home. They fight a lot and I feel like a burden to them, but I have no alternative, nowhere else to go.They told me that I and their future grandchild can stay with them and they will support me. I would leave and make it easier for them, but I obviously cannot make this decision bc of my LO.I have no other option than staying with them. I am financially unstable and basically a failed human being, not able to care for myself (and my child). I am in a very bad mental state right now and I do not know how to manage anymore (professional help/hospital is no option. I do not have that much money and cannot expect my parents to pay. I already was diagnosed in the past but my parents basically ""undiagnosed"" me, as they know better than all of the mental health professionals I have seen in the past). I feel so bad for even having this kind of thoughts, but I kind of wish I will die due to birth complications. Nobody would consider blaming me.I am such an asshole for even thinking that, I know.I am so sorry my little one. Mummy is trying very hard to stay safe for you. do not worry guys. I would never do intentional harm to myself as long as baby is inside of me. I love him so much and he is the only reason I am still alive. I sadly cannot talk to anyone about this. I am so lonely.Thanks for reading. I want to stop existing but I am 33 weeks pregnant so I cannot do anything but suffer for the next (at least) 18 years",Suicidal +8187,"My wife is suffering from burnout and I think depression, she has went to her mums as she wants a complete break for a few weeks, we have 2 small dogs and they are my wife's world and she is not really bothered about seeing them or me because her empathy has been zapped. I love her so much and want to help, I am keeping my space but I am in the dark and so confused, the last week has been unbearable, I want this feeling to go away! My wife wants a break as she is suffering from burnout/depression",Depression +8188,Hoping for some sort of logical reason why I should not but it is not going to happen Killing myself,Depression +8189,just a check in post. I am curious to see how you all are doing how are you?,Depression +8190,I started cutting myself. Why did I get such a difficult life. Why did my stupid parents have to fuck.I have it in me. But I just do not want to do it anymore. it is not worth ir. I am fucking tired of being sober,Suicidal +8191,"(M 20) So I am writing this cuse iv been wanting to get it off my chest iv tried killing my self last week by overdosing and sent to the hospital then to a mental health facility i got out in 4 days and when I was in there I was feeling a lot better and thought I can do this but when I got out I realized that I am back were I started I am on antidepressants but you still have suicide thoughts and still depressed its so weird that I am alive and I have to work and live idk how to explain that but I was not ready to keep going with life I do not really have a purpose or some that cares about me I just want to be loved and wanted .Iv been bullied in high school cuse I was special ed and really quite it felt like if I said something worng or stupid they just laugh I just struggled with my math and English because I was in special ed class I struggle alot in the really world like with work. I had ""friends"" but I felt they just use me for my money so they were just being kind. after high school so called friends started using drugs and i have stayed off that path trying to be good. had a hard time talking to females very shy never went on a date to high school I wanted to date after tried dating apps went to partys and never made a connection. if I chose to live i want to live knowing I not alone like a girlfriend or some who cares and I can cry on there shoulder and they can tell me its all right I know how it feels. parents are not any help when in high school they verbal abused me so that and the bulling at school fuck me up there better now but I cannot talk to them and tell them you made my life even harder. I look at people I know and there happy getting married and have a good time and I ask my self why cannot I be like what is wrong with me that iv tried to put my self put there but nothing works Thank you if your reading this sorry for spelling errors if your depressed or suicide you not alone it hurts so much I know hugs for evey one love My suicide attempt and my story",Depression +8192,I want out. I want out. I want out. Nothing gets better. do not give me false hope. Why was I born? I have no fucking clue. Why is there no way to leave but to execute and experience pain in a reality I was forced to fucking exist in.I want death to hold and fly me serenely to the emptiness and void I lived in before I was brought into this hellhole. Escape,Suicidal +8193,"I failed an attempt a week back and have not told anyone or really unpacked it. I broke down when it failed but I have been numb ever since. When I thought I was dying I did not feel scared, I felt relieved. I felt better than I have in so, so long. I found myself dwelling on whether or not anything would happen after I die or if my consciousness would simply cease to exist, and the thought of nothingness did not bother me at all. I cannot believe a week has already passed. Nothing changed. I want to try again, but it is hard to come up with another method in my situation.It bothers me that I have to put so much thought into carefully planning my escape. Why are we forced to live against our will? I would not have to resort to such awful methods if I could be straightforward and honest. Instead, I am paranoid about raising suspicion and have to avoid so many methods that would be quick and painless simply because I cannot risk anyone finding out. it is absurd.Part of me is disappointed that it was so easy to pick myself up and recover from my attempt. Makes me feel like I did not get close at all. The other part of me is glad that I do not have any lasting symptoms. Life does not need to be more painful than it already is.Not sure what this post is supposed to be. This community cannot help me, but at least I can talk about things that I cannot normally talk about. Failed attempt",Suicidal +8194,(excuse my bad English)Since my 14yo I search a painless death. I know my place is not on earth and I just do not want to live. I have tested many things and it did not work. I would like someone to give me a good way to kill myself without pain.Thank you in advance. 5 Long years,Suicidal +8195,"I am freaking out and I feel like I am in a crisis and i just do not know what to do. I have no way to get support rn because my mom is busy, and I do not have therapy until Friday. And my therapist wants to make me switch therapists anyway so I feel like I am losing my support system. I just do not know how to get through this. I feel like I am at my breaking point. Someone please help me I do not know what to do",Suicidal +8196,"This is something I have done my whole life but I guess I never really put it together. What does it mean exactly to attempt suicide? Like for me, I have written a suicide note, grabbed a knife, put it against my heart and tried to push it in but I could not. I was too scared that I would fail. Similarly, I have done this with pills, hanging, suffocating. Ultimately I just chickened out because I was afraid I would fail and survive it. Then I would cry and hate myself because I felt like a failure that I could not complete it. Anyway, I guess I have always doubted the legitimacy of the things I say to myself or believe. I just never knew if these were actually considered suicide attempts. Every time I try to look it up I just get that stupid fucking link to the suicide hotline. Anyway, thanks. If I tried to kill myself but got too scared to go through with it, is that considered a suicide attempt?",Suicidal +8197,"I put this together while sobbing so hard I almost made myself vomit last night. I had a pounding headache, had to hold my breath so my parents would not hear me crying.I have been in love with her since 2018. Was rejected and ghosted. I cry constantly and have been grieving every day for 3 years. The lain from never being able to be with her has contributed to my decision to kill myself; I have already attempted but failed to hang myself a few times. It reads.Dear K,I wish you knew how special you are to me. I wish you knew you how happy I would be if we were together. But I know that would not make you happy. So, I have to let you be happy. That is what I want, because I love you so much. I wish you knew how happy you make me. I wish you knew how full of love my heart is for you. I wish I could hold you in my arms and protect you so that no one could hurt you. When I was young, I learned the word for always in French: *toujours.* It always sounded like a beautiful, graceful, yet heavy word to me. Something about how it sounds. It sounds melancholy, sentimental, but genuine and strong. you will always be in my heart. Toujours. Always. you will always be in my heart. I promise. I love you so much. I have written a few different suicide notes to I am going to send people when I do it. This is the one that is going to the girl I am in love with.",Suicidal +8198,"A week, 2 weeks, a month, a year , I know it will not last it never dose, that sadness, that hole in me it will come back, it always dose, when I feel good its never to stay, I live in fear of when it comes back, ifs always on the back of my mind, I can hardly enjoy it will it lasts, I know my desire to die will be back sooner or later, years ago I though I was free the first time it happened, when it came back I realized I never was and probably never will be, Maybe I should stop fighting it, just let it happened when it comes back, enjoy the now and my slim success, and then let it all take me as if comes back, idk how many more times I can do this, maybe its best to end it on a high note, idk all I know is that If I keep going, this will just happened over and over again till can no longer take it, and there is noting I or anyone can do or stop it, what a life I know this normalcy will not last",Depression +8199,"I am very ugly, and think I have a boring and monotone personality. I am not funny or confidence and I have social anxiety. I know that dating people is out of my reach but I do wish there was a dating website for people who are not high class and beautiful I wish there was a dating site for low class people",Depression +8200,"I just turned 26 years old 2 weeks ago. In the course of those 2 weeks I have literally lost everything. I discovered my 7 year girlfriend cheated on me, I have lost my license (the only source of income I have was because I drove) I had a seizure while driving and wrecked my car, so I have lost my job. My girl was supposed to move into my apartment but obviously that is not going to happen. I am terrified all the time that I will have another seizure. I do not want to live like this. I have been drinking for the past week. I wake up in the morning and feel so much pain that I have to swallow some alcohol or else I cannot exist. Its stupid to expect someone to live like this. I have lost everything",Suicidal +8201,"I feel so much weight its like I can barely even breathe. I am not happy. I do not think Ill ever be happy. Not if I get into my dream college. Not if I land an amazing job. Nothing. I have a mom and dad and siblings. I have an at least mediocre SAT score and a high GPA. I have a job. I should be happy. But I am not. I am never happy. Everything sucks. I am an incredibly lucky person I could be so much worse off but everything just feels bitter. I work 8 hours and I come home and I am tired and I feel incomplete and exhausted and empty, and then I think about how I have to write application essays and I cry. I just cry. I do not know what to do. Is any of this even worth it? Why am I even here. Rising senior",Depression +8202,"I am not sure if anyone here has felt this way, but I feel a sort of existential depression that is not a result of lacking or wanting things. On the surface, I feel like I have everything that anyone could ever want. I am a college student that is in a field of study that is reasonably suited towards my aptitudes, have a loving family, friends, and all the other hallmarks of a functional lifestyle.However, my feelings of dread are persistent and have plagued me since I was a young teenager. Even in grade school, I exhibited signs of clinical depression and hints of suicidal behavior that had no obvious justification. My family has done a wonderful job of providing me assistance during my times of need, and I cannot ever thank them enough for that. Nonetheless, I still feel this gargantuan, intangible misery draped around my weary shoulders on a daily basis.What I feel is not a crippling want for attention or unattainable goals, but a general dislike for being human. No matter how I weigh the quantifiable joy I have experienced in my life, it always seems frivolous at best in comparison to the weight of my sorrows. I perhaps feel so terrible that I feel nothing at all.On a primal level, I possess intense hatred and frustration towards my corporeal contract. I hate being human. I do not want to be me anymore. Why do I have to be me? The sheer pain I feel is indescribable, and almost certainly blocks out any fleeting pockets of happiness that I can extract from life. Even if all of my earthly desires were satisfied this instant, I would feel nothing but the phantom pain. I am bound to this worthless body and by the obligations I have towards the people in my life, and I cannot even fathom them ever understanding my plight. No one will. I am trapped. An outlet for my personal feelings.",Depression +8203,I am going through a huge rough patch right now and I know it will get somewhat better eventually. But the parts of my life where I am somewhat happy are so few and far between. It never feels like good times will last. Is living a life where 90% of it is pain and 10% is good really worth it? The good times are not worth waiting for.,Suicidal +8204,"Hey, I have been suffering with depression since my early teens and I have just hit a slump with every aspect of my life. I feel awful all the time, I have lost interest in all of my passions and my motivation is short lived. I am constantly surrounded by people who ask for my support but never actually show that they care, I have hardly any friends and the ones that do do not seem to care. Normally, I would be the supportive friend , but at this point i really cannot be arsed with any of it nor do i care about their problems anymore.it is getting harder and harder to put up with people's shit, I am angry at everyone around me but I am even angrier at myself. I feel useless, sleeping for 12 hours though i could get up after 8 because there is nothing in the day for me to care about except sleeping. I am becoming more and more angry at everything",Depression +8205,"Possible TW because its about self harm and mental hospitals ig... I really do not know where to ask this so I am asking here, if I missed something in the rules and its not allowed here please tell me! Ok so I am 13F. I was friends with this girl a couple years ago before we moved. Recently her family moved in with us temporarily until they can get on their feet, get a house and such. So its their mom, my old friend (11F), and her brother (9M). I am not really friends with her anymore, and am now more friends with her brother. Since we have become friends I have realized he is most likely depressed (though he has not been diagnosed) and has been occasionally harming himself. Not cutting, but scratching himself with his nails or sharp objects, but that does not make it any less worrying. I am also depressed, (I have been diagnosed, so my parent are aware) and have self harmed (still kind of am). that is one of the reason we became friends, because we could bond over our feelings and opinions. We have a group chat with his sister and had kind of vented there. She got worried apparently and showed our moms. They got really mad at us for talking about that sort of thing. Said it was inappropriate and we should have come to them if we were feeling like that. And his mom said if they were sad, depressed, or self harming that they would be sent to a mental hospital and would not be able to see her for months. No talk about the severity just in general, if they were or were doing any of those things that they would have to go to one.. We ended up getting grounded from our devices because of it. I know her saying that made my friend really anxious and uncomfortable talking about going to somewhere like that.Since then I have heard her say that and things similar to that (some in more detail) to my friend and his sister. I know it always makes him uncomfortable and upset. Idk would she be considered toxic or is she justified in saying stuff like that? (Sorry for the long explanation) Do you guys think my friends mom is being toxic?",Depression +8206,No one cares. My audience does not. I would kill myself and they would all celebrate because of how stupid I am. Too stupid to liveNo on will ever care anyway I will just suffer in silence I guess,Depression +8207,I love sleep it is like a teaser trailer for death. I use to escape with drugs which I enjoyed alot but these days I cannot really enjoy them because I am older and my body is in shit condition and it irritates my system. Gaming barely works as a escape I really wish we had more advance VR these days that was indistinguishable from real life but that is at least a decade away or more. I do not know about you guys but sleep is pretty much my last great place I can escape from my shitty reality. Sleep the last great escape,Depression +8208,"we are still friends, it is actually working out being like sisters, but I want her to love me like she used to.My love is still the same, hers is not. I want her to love me again I just want her back",Depression +8209,"This may be long, so I apologize. I am 29/F, married and a mother. Let me begin by stating my husband is about as supportive as he can be and my child is incredibly understanding. All this aside, my depression and manic episodes are beginning to get out of control. And I honestly, do not even know where to begin and truthfully my story is not one really worth sharing. I feel as though this deserves a disclaimer that I do not feel right sharing my sorrows as I see myself being more fortunate than others. But I am so lost that I feel this need to post something, rather than continue hovering over this sub and other subs related to mental health, depression and anxiety. Currently, I am on 20mg of Lexapro and 600- 900mg of Gabapentin per day. My father was an alcoholic, and my mentally ill mother suffers from bipolar disorder, depression and classic narcissism. I was raised in an extremely religious family in the Bible-belt of USA. My entire life up until 16 was immersed in the Southern Baptist culture. My parents divorced when I was 4, and I did not see my father for 17 years. During my upbringing, my mother and father managed to marry 6 people between the two of them. Somehow during the later years, my fathers 3rd wife managed to get him sober. We reconnected when I was 20 years old and 9 months pregnant. I suffered for years from mental and physical abuse by the hands of my mother and her 3 husbands between ages 4-18. Needless to say, my life centered around their instability. I was the oldest, and therefore inherently responsible for my younger siblings. Being in a violent home, the anxiety I suffered was not acknowledged. I was the girl in school that everyone knew had a rough home. My friends were my escape and still today remain my chosen family. But the fact of the matter is, they do not truly understand my situation. I gravitate towards people who are not nearly as jaded. I leaned on my friends parents for guidance and empathy. I have always been the black sheep of my mothers family. I am creative, incredibly artistic, intelligent, charismatic and I am not sorry about it. However, my family views me as strange and always have. I was always told how much I looked and naturally acted like my dad, someone they hated my entire life. I have absolutely nothing in common with my mother or her side of the family, and frankly, I am extremely resentful. We rarely speak unless its a holiday. I refuse to have my child around their toxicity. My mother is on her 4th husband, and just as manic as ever. My father, who I had so much in common with, died from alcoholism in 2017. After years of sobriety, he lost his film business and drowned his sorrows tenfold. His death was gruesome. He died alone in an old farmhouse, during the August heat in North Carolina. His body rotted for 9 days before anyone found him. I can still smell him today. His death destroyed me. After years of separation from my father due to his substance abuse, I was so happy to have him back in my life. But he suffered from his own mental health issues and lost himself. I miss him every damn day. Fast forward to now. My husband and I have been together since 2008. Our child is 8 years old. I promised myself that I would NOT repeat the cycles of instability and abuse with my own child. I am proud to say I have kept that promise. My husband and I have always put our kid first, including making the decision just to have the one child in an effort to provide the best life. we have done it all. We bought a house in the suburbs of a great small town, we are part of the community, provide a great education, we are not religious, and we make sure that our child has an active lifestyle both in and out of school. We both work full time and I am a part time college student. Our vehicles are paid off and our debts are very minimal. Life is great, right? Here is where my own mental health issues come to light. I suffer from clinical depression and panic disorder. I see a physician regularly and have been on my own medication for a little over a year. My job is incredibly stagnant and in such a toxic environment. Every day I dread this job. I have been there 5 years. Now that I am educated, and have consistent years in a particular industry, I feel confident moving onto a better paying position and hopefully a better workplace. I have been job hunting for four months. The job market is terrible and the competition could not be higher. I have never been so rejected in my life. My car is beginning to fall apart and I cannot afford to fix it, or purchase a new one. My studies can be overwhelming at times and my professors this summer in particular have been hard on us. I have a number of hobbies, including a podcast and I am so lost. My depression is so out of control. I have no family support whatsoever, and I feel like I already lean so much on my husband. I am scared to lean more for our marriage will break. I write this because I am scared my kid is beginning to notice. There are days where I can barely get out of bed, unless it is for work. I wish so badly that I had my dad to call. He had his issues, but he got me. I feel like antidepressants only help me so much. Some days I just sit in my car and think, ""I could just smash this into a concrete wall and it would be over."" I feel like I am a rat in a cage getting nowhere. I have been going through recruiting hell trying to find a new job. I have had many phone interviews, several in person interviews and I am either over qualified, or qualified except one detail they are looking for. I cannot win for losing. Perhaps this is more of a venting post. Am I alone in this? I have always done a great job of putting my own issues on the back burner, pushing through the pain and laughing to keep from crying. But these last 2 months have made me realize that perhaps that was not the best avenue. This is the first time in my life that I cannot escape my depression and my manic episodes. Intrusive thoughts are ever present and beginning to worsen everyday. I cannot brush them off and feel so out of control. I just want to run away. Feeling out of control.",Depression +8210,"There is nothing left for me to do. Nothing really ever excited me. Nothing makes me happy. cannot stand school, it is too hard. cannot get a job. I have let anxiety consume me and control me. I cannot go back. I am an addict. I have no dreams. What I crave is really simple. I just want to be dead. Being alive is painful. I have no loved ones, no one by my side. I am no ones first pick. On top of that I am ugly. I am also really stupid. I do not have motivation at all. I never had a role model. I am bored of life. it is just not for me. Feels like my time is done here",Suicidal +8211,"It feels like everyone is always expecting me to have all of my problems listed out in a convenient list. I often struggle with getting my thoughts in order, and as a result my sentences may sound incoherent. This makes it so much more difficult for me to reach out. Sometimes I do not want to reach out at all. My brain feels so scrambled all the time.I genuinely do not want to be alive anymore. Each passing day, I get closer and closer to ending it all. I can never articulate my thoughts properly",Suicidal +8212,"Hey Everyone, I am depressed. Can anyone tell me what to do? I want to book an appointment with psychologist. Tell me what to do..",Depression +8213,"I put in my notice last week at the place I was working at. My last day was supposed to be Friday, but they let me go today. I was a temp so there is nothing I can do or say. I was leaving because they had told me things would change and nothing did in the two and a half months I was there.I have another job lined up. I start on Monday. But I had financially planned on working 40 hours this week. I came back from a medical leave last week. I just feel like shit. I am worried things will not work out at the place I am going to. What if there are more lies there! What if my new manager ends up hating me? What if its really stressful there as well? I had applied to a lot of jobs and did quite a few interviews. This new place is not bad, but its not what I really wanted. There was one company I so wanted to work for, but they turned me down last Monday. I am still sad about that for some reason.I hate how I am. Too intelligent to enjoy dumb things, but not smart enough to hang with intellectuals. Too mentally ill to keep a job long term and have a career, but not mentally ill enough to get on SSI or even get into a comprehensive therapy program. Its like I am never right. No matter how hard I try, my life always feels like its one mistake away from crumbling. I just want to stop being so damn sad. Left and Leaving",Depression +8214,My parents admitted me to a hospital because they assumed I was going through a nervous breakdown. I had to stay there for a week and it was hell. My stay at the hospital triggered a psychotic episode. They would pin me down and give me an injection in my buttcheek. They saw me naked and they were also physically aggressive. The body language of the male staff was very threatening and triggered a lot of paranoia in me. They also gave me so many pills. I feel like my brain has become mush now. I genuinely do not want to live anymore I lost any positive trait I had left. I have been crying non stop now. I feel like I am doomed for eternity and there is nothing left for me in this world. I feel like the only good trait I had was my intelligence but now it is gone due to all the drugs I was given. I have not even graduated high school yet My stay at a hospital made me worse,Depression +8215,"I was diagnosed with a thyroid tumor about 2 years ago, but stopped showing up at the hospital soon after. I am 21 now. have not told about it to my parents yet, because I do not want to be a burden even though I know they deserve the truth.I have been horribly ashamed of my life decisions since I was around 17 or even earlier.I work at a dead end job and the only reason I show up is out of fear of having to move back in with my parents ( They did make some questionable choices when I was growing up, but out of love for me)I am still in love with a girl I never told about my feelings.(Probably just the idea of her, but it is hard to tell)I make plans but never follow through.I let some of my friends to take advantage of me, as I rarely stand up for myself.I have done a lot of drugs, to hide the pain and forget about my mistakes and regrets.The only time I am honest is when I am drunk or high Except right now I guess, which is weird...I do have dreams and aspirations though, but I set myself such high standards that It makes me paralyzed.No matter how many self-help books I read, or self-reflection I do I am still unable to ask for help. But I really do want help. Help me. Please just help me?Help!Tldr - I am a procrastinating hypocriteIt does feel great to write this, even if I do not end up posting it. Sorry for my language skills I am not a native.Ps. Go get vaccinated please, I will not probably make it but you might, and the next waves that come will kill the economy. Or maybe it deserves to die before it can be rebuilt on some better foundations. The only thing I am not procrastinating with is living",Depression +8216,It seems like all I do is work to survive and I cannot even seem to do that right. I cannot see a psych because my $480 a month medical insurance will not cover it and my insurance is so bad I have accumulated $2k in medical bills this month alone just trying to get a dental cleaning and get my allergies in check. The car that I thought was a fewest decision just broke and Weill now cost me 1300 to fix. I feel like all I am doing is burying myself in debt by making responsible decisions. I am so fucking drained. I do not date because no one appeals to me. I do not go out anymore because I have other expenses. I do not see my family because I am working. And I am working just to keep myself alive and what a fucking life it is. I have had sleep for dinner twice this week because I have no appetite and I am just so tired of being this goddamn stressed all the time. I am currently at the point where I am not sure why go on day to day.,Depression +8217,"F19 and boy and I am I just done. Honestly I feel no reason to be here anymore, I do not feel happy I have not felt happy in a long time, I do not know if I have ever really been happy honestly, the few things that bring me happiness do not feel real and eventually will probably fall apart like everything else and I am so anxious of that, that I feel like I am ruining it already, I am nostalgic for a time I have never had, for fake things and fake feelings, I miss when I did not understand and when things did not just so much . I hate my ptsd and I hate my mental illness. I hate how the people who raised me affected the way I perceive love, I hate the way the made me feel like I never will be and that I genuinely do not know if Ill ever accept someone not being negative towards me honestly my whole body hurts because of how said I am and I cannot do it anymore. I do not think anyone loves me or really needs me here and I just want to go already. I am crying here at work (I am a nanny for six kids lmao) and I am fine but I hurt so much inside. I am so empty. At work and trying to manage",Suicidal +8218,"I have been friends with this girl since early June and I like her a lot, she is not ready for a relationship which is fine. So we decided to be friends. I told her things I never told anyone. She cannot tell me certain things and does the little white lies to keep me out of certain things. I cannot stand lying even if its something tiny. So I decided that we need to take a break from a friendship, for a month, and I cannot stop thinking about her. After work, sent her a nice hope you had a good and productive day at work . I think she blocked me all together because she has not responded at all. Now I feel like depressed and miss my friend. FML I am depressed for making a terrible decision",Depression +8219,I have been dealing with an emotional ache feeling in my heart for the past 3 years that generally comes and goes and I am not sure how it developed and why I am feeling it. Any ideas how I can go about understanding what is happening? Emotional ache in heart for 3 years. Still not sure why?,Depression +8220,"I am sorry.The pain of living is too great and the reasons for me to stay are getting smaller and smaller. Every single one of you that includes my friends family and even my colleagues have supported me endlessly and for that i am eternally grateful. This is something I have given alot of thought and still i think it is not the correct thing to do however in this current moment i cannot stand myself and every attempt to fix the way i think has failed and the only person who knows me well enough to help is being negatively impacted while trying to help.for that reason i have decided that living is simply not viable for me as i can not see an end to the pain and as long as this continues the people i love and cherrish will suffer. Yes, it is a selfish thing to do and i am not attempting to deny that fact but the only reasons i can give relate only to others as i no longer value myself. Putting this here",Suicidal +8221,"do not really know where to start so I am going to recount my life a bit. I am a moderately healthy 16-year-old, who started high school last year. (In my country we start high school as 15-year-olds.) My family is not wealthy but we are not in any serious financial trouble. My parents are still together and I would say they raised me pretty well considering. I have an older brother and an older sister, who both moved out years ago to live their own lives but I am still really close to both of them. I love my family and my pets a lot. Right now I think they are the only reason I am still breathing.I have been anxiety ridden and suicidal for about my entire life. I had really bad separation anxiety as a kid so my mom watched over me at home. I did not go to kindergarten because of it. When school started, I used to spend an hour in the bathroom just vomiting bile every morning because of my anxiety. My stomach ached and I was trembling every morning for years. I was just too scared to go to school, because it was a new enviroment and because my teacher was in my opinion really frightning. I missed entire weeks maybe even months from school. I made plenty of friends but nothing could make me enjoy school since everyday I was just a ball of anxiety that was too afraid to do anything. At the age of seven I held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill myself just so I did not have to go to school anymore. that is how much I hated it.Obviously this was not normal behaviour for a kid so my parents put me in therapy. For years it was absolutely useless. They just made me do these weird excersises which I am starting to think was just some random busy work to keep me entertained. The only thing that helped was that they advised my parents to help me prepare for different things. For example if I had a field trip in a month to a zoo, my parents would take me and my siblings there together so I would have an easier time to go there again. This helped for a while but of course in life you cannot prepare for everything. My anxiety never went away but things became easier for a couple of years.When I was about to advance to seventh grade (13-year-old me) my anxiety was still there but thing were going well. Couple of years pass and my anxiety is going up and down in waves but the school was very understanding and complying, all my best friends were on the same class as me, I had a clear image of the future and my individual therapy was going well. Life was going really well at this point and even though I was anxious I could go to school pretty normally even though I still missed many days. At it is peak my anxiety could because me to have migraines so I had to stay home a lot. Whenever things were going bad I thought about suicide but never planned it out.On my last year before high school my anxiety just sky-rocketed and with it I became very depressed. I was not too outgoing before but now I could not even go to the store without anyone else. I did not want see or talk to any of my friends even though I really liked being with them. Before I was a staight A student but I could not even understand the words on my homework anymore. I was a perfectionist yet I did not care if I finished my assinments anymore. My grades dropped heavily. Smallest decisions became just unbearable to make. On some nights I did not eat because I could not choose what to eat even though the fridge would have been full. Some days I could not get out of bed. So many of my hobbies became untouched. I could not play games like before, I could not play he piano anymore and I could not write stories like I used to. I became entirely paralysed.My therapist was really worried about how I was feeling so they told my parents who had no idea. I was pretending to them that everything was just becoming harder in school and that I was otherwise doing just fine even though I was basically dying inside. My mother called my school and told them that she was pulling me out for 2 weeks to recover. I was basically just too overwhelmed and burned out that I was barely functioning. This was the first time I could really remember me putting a plan together to end my life. I was in so much pain. The only things I cared about doing did not bring me any joy just stress and my pride in my school succes was dwindling because I could not keep up anymore. The only reason I did not kill myself was because I did not want to die in pain and I had no idea how to kill myself without going through absolutely no pain. I have never told anyone about being suicidal anymore. Not to my family, not to my friends and not to my therapist because I am afraid of he consequences.During that time my parents prohibited me from looking at any homework, news or worry about outside life. They wanted me to recover without any possible hindurances and because of that they tried to bring me my favorite foods and give me lots of free time so I could enjoy my time playing games. I have never felt so relieved. Before that I was crying in my bed at night just dreading for the next schoolday The freedom of not having to worry about anything was amazing. At the end of those two weeks I returned to school. I was doing fine for a few days but as the school year was coming to an end I was beginning to feel a lot worse again. All that pressure from school life and my own mind had not disappeared. I had just pushed them away from my mind. I became the bitter and sad hermit who disappeared back into my room like I never left.That same old feeling of freedom returned when summer came and my school year ended. No pressure, no expectations. I did not see my friends during that entire holiday or go anywhere from my home. I was happy and safe in my room even though just outside my window I could see how wonderful the weather was outside. I could finally do the things I liked again and I could actually enjoy them this time.That did not last of course because then I went to high school to continue my studies. To my surprise the first weeks went well even though I was really anxious. Two of my best friends were still in the same school and we had lots of the same classes. I spent every moment with them and I had fun. The problems started when I could not go to any of the tests because of my anxiety. I failed a lot of courses because of it and those set backs started an unstoppable snowball-effect. My self-esteem was in the gutter and I started to hide in my room again. I slowly became me from before that two week vacation. I became more depressed again and more anxious then ever. I could not go to classes. I could not do my homework and I couln't participate in any group activity. I started failing more classes even on subjects that I previously could have aced with my eyes closed. I spent almost three days every week suffering from migraines.For the last 6-7 months I have not been to school at all. I have met doctors and I have met with my guidance counselor for more times then I can count. My anxiety is through the roof and each time I explain my problems to the doctors and my guidance counselor, the answer is always: ""We know it is hard for you to go to school because x,y and z. **You just need to try going to school.""**Like I had not fucking thought of that before. I am suffering inside my own head, thoughts screaming how I cannot do shit and how behind I am going to be and how useless I am. For every day I started crying because I was so afraid of going to school. I could not read anything because I just could not understand the alphabets. I am nearly having panic attacks when I just think about going school. One day I became so enraged that I punched my door hoping that I would break my own arm. But thanks, I had not thought of going to school. Right now I have been on summer break again but in a week I need to go back to school but I just do not know how I can. I start crying every time I think about school. I just want to disappear and thinking about killing myself has become an everyday occurance. I just cannot handle feeling this hopeless and anxious every day when I have not even started to live independently yet. I am terrified.Any advice/stories from personal experience or just kind words would be very much appriciated.Thanks for reading this far Feeling lost, this is my situation",Depression +8222,"I do not want to hear ""oh you matter just keep going"" or ""it gets better."" I have made my attempt at getting better, time and time again I eventually get beat back down. I have done therapy, I am on meds, I am so sick of depending on a pill just to feel ""normal."" it is fucking sickening to think about. Any time I break down to a friend they always say just how much I have going for me because ""I am so smart"" or some other meaningless bullshit. I do not have a bad life, I am almost done with college studying physics, I have both of my parents, they care for me. Of course there is all of the family bullshit that goes on behind the scenes, but everyone has that, so who cares. My gf loves me endlessly, but I feel like an empty she will, why fucking bother. I hate everything about our existence, probably just being dramatic but it frustrates me. Everyone is pitted against each other, we are destroying the planet and no one cares, politics is a nightmare. I do not want to be a part of this world. I am so sick of waking up every day to just go to work and then get baked as fuck. do not tell me to ""get a hobby"" I have done that, I always just lose interest. I have tried gardening, aquariums, woodworking, hiking, biking, running, gaming, every last thing just eventually fades to grey, just like everything else. I do not want anyones help or advice, I just want to voice this somewhere that it does not matter and can just get lost in the 1s and 0s. If I could have anything on the planet right now, I would give anything to just no longer exist. My demons that I will never truly escape, aside from the brief commercial breaks where maybe my meds work, or I am having a good day. I just wanted to be wiped from the planet, I cannot stand this shit anymore.Goodnight. I am so exhausted being alive.",Depression +8223,knowing how long I have had to live with people feeling that I just do not have an attractive face. Trying to discuss this with therapist made it at times damn near impossible to talk. I am a 23 year old guy discussing looks and attractiveness in therapy would always nearly bring me to tears,Depression +8224,"Even with consultations with a psychiatrist, taking antidepressants, I have no energy for anything. I feel useless, I cannot study, I cannot work, I cannot do anything, just stay in bed almost all day Sleeping almost 14 hours a day",Depression +8225,"I have done bad things , no one likes me , I have constant trust issues , I have been used , toyed with my feelings constantly , my sexuality I am confused about and get verbal abuse and I am in constant fear of talking about my feelings because of joky phrases I get from family members why do not you slit your wrists then and give another person the chance to live I get bullied , taunted and I do not feel like my life is worth living , I do not see a future for myself and I am constantly crying and bored of life itself please can someone help talk to me Hi can anyone help me I am 16 years old and I want to kill myself",Suicidal +8226,"Sorry for the mistakes, English is my second languageSo, i have a depressed friend (non-clinical but he is really struggling with it) and I am his comfort friend, so i often have to help him when depression strikes, but lately i do not know how to deal with him anymore.do not get me wrong, I am his friend and i always be there for him, I have tried to cheer him up, i tried to tell him that he is not a bad person, that his problems matter, but it does not seem to affect him how many times i say that he is not a monster, it just seems to get worse, I have tried to tell him that he needs to see a doctor or a psychiatrist, but he does not want to. I have the feeling that he is not trying to get up and fight, he just likes to lay down and feel bad for himself.So i was talking with a friend (clinical depression, beaten 4y ago) and he told me that i should not give him that much attention, because he might get and sometimes it is just worse.So now i do not know what to do, i really want to help him but i do not know how and i do not want to worse things up. that is why I came here, how do you help a depressed friend? How to help a depressed person?",Depression +8227,I really regret talkin or sayin anything. I am going to the train station tomorrow and I am really happy now I would finally be free n will not feel miserable all the time again ...I really hate you all from the bottom of my heart . I REALLY HATE YOU ALL N HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE. I have NEVER FELT ACCEPTED ANYWHERE EVERYBODY UNDERESTIMATING ME TALKIN TO ME LIKE I am COMPLETELY PIECE OF SHIT. EVEN HERE I GOT BANNED LIKE N LITTLED BY ALL LIKE HUNDRED TIMES JUST COZ I SAID MY OPINION,Suicidal +8228,"I hate when I forget..Ill be doing great for a couple months; getting things accomplished, walking on a beautiful, colourful cloud 9, everything is beyond fine.Then, this intruding constant low takes over. Like a dark cloud of smoke. Slowly suffocating. No matter how much I am achieving, its not enough for me. I always need more. Sleep is always too much or too little. All these thoughts in my head, scrambling. All the bad times, on repeat. There is not any breaks.I am accomplishing some amazing things, why does it feel like I am climbing up a cliff?A cliff that cuts my hands every time I climb.Why do I feel like when this cloud comes around, that it will never go away.I have forgotten the sunshine.I have forgotten the way it feels on my skin.The way it shines in my eyes. All I feel is my heart sink.Sinking into the depth of my chest. When I forget",Depression +8229,"on december 31st 2020, i made a new year's resolution to kms in 2021 with no exact date. I thought I will probably do it at the end of august, so a day before school starts again. but in july, i had some kind of energy boost and gotten a job for august. so now that the 'energy boost' is gone again, as it always goes, I will kill myself on august 1st, a day before my job starts. the last few days of my life I have spent playing ffxiv as i do not have any friends.i thought about jumping in front of a train, but I would feel terribly bad for the driver. would not really matter after I have died, but still, only i should suffer from my life. so i plan on hanging myself, I will only have to endure until i lose consciousness, right? even though i fail miserably at everything i try, i hope I will succeed this once.I am kind of ranting, i know, it is 2.52 a.m. and i have somehow developed insomnia in the last few months. I am sorry to everyone who wasted their time reading this, i hope your life will not lead you to the same decision mine lead me to. good night. fulfilling my new year's resolution",Suicidal +8230,Just feeling real low today or atleast for the past few hours. It sucks. Hope you are alright Okay,Depression +8231,"I do not know what started it. I just got up, and started walking. My brother owns some home-protection firearms. I grabbed a gun and put it to my head, but I did not do much else. I just wanted to feel that feeling, being one finger motion away from freedom.I have been so emotionally violatile lately, my brother is losing faith in our family, my mother cannot have a single conversation with me without it ending in screaming. Everything would be better if I was not here. I feel like I am responsible for all the discourse is our family, and I do not want to hurt any more feelings. I just want to stop existing, I want to give my family freedom without me dragging them down.I guess in the end you can breathe relief that I did not actually pull the trigger. But I got there, to that position. I was there, and I can still feel the lingering chill of where I placed it on my head. I am not sure where to go from here, I am losing more faith in myself everyday. I put a gun to my head",Suicidal +8232,"I am not sure that this is the right place to do this sorry if it is not. Also sorry for bad english in advance it is been a long time since i talked to anyone and in addition i am german.I am 25/m and my first Girlfriend left me in April after 7 1/2 years. She told me ""I am going to find someone better"" and she is right. I live in my mom's basement. I never had a job, i do not want a job and i do not think I will ever be able to have one.I feel like i do not deserve to live but i somehow want to, just not like this. But i could not change anything for the better even if i wanted to. So what is the point? All i can do is think about the things that permanently ruined my body and mind.My very first memory is attending the funeral of my grandpa i was 5 years old back then. At school i have been ""beaten"". They dragged me across the floor untill my back started bleeding. They punched and kicked me every day in the same spot so i got permanent damage. They joked I would be the next schoolshooter and the teacher just laughed. They put a knife in my bag and told the teacher i threatened to kill them if they would not be my friends. I got kicked out of that school because not even the police believed me. At the next two schools at least the teachers were kind.The boyfriend of my mother at the time choked me until i lost consciousness because i pulled my cats tail and my mom just laughed. Eight years ago my father told me he does not care about me anymore because he is got a new family now before that he just used me as a babysitter for my 3 half siblings, so that he can have a relaxing weekend. I guess the oldest one was then old enough to take my babysitter part.Then i met her. Everything that happened to me no longer mattered. I was happy for about a year. Then I developed a hearing disease called hyperacusis. (short explanation: every sound is recognized so loud it causes pain) There is no cure. I had to drop out of school because of that and since then every day, all day i am in my room in the basement. If i try to go for a walk I will end up in panic because i do not want to go out there and on the way back again because i do not want go back into my room.My Girlfriend helped me get therapy. But they came to the conclusion that i am a hypochondriac simply because they never heard of my disease before and did not bother to look it up or tried to put me in group therapy completely disregarding my disease and then blaming me for ""not wanting help"" because i am afraid of people. And since then i... Well i guess i gave up.My cat died two years ago and it just broke me?I started to push the only person that ever loved me away because she tried to help me and i did not even realize it untill it was too late. I have the greatest respect for her to endure me but i also hate her for leaving me like that and all the things she said before breaking off contact. Now i am alone.I have got no one to talk. No one that cares except about my financials which is all my mom ever cared about besides her work. I cannot stay awake during day and i cannot sleep at night. I will never be happy again. I will never enjoy anything.All i can think of is that death seems to be the only way out...I would at least like to talk to someone again and just not be alone...It would be nice to not be ignored once. I just got this urge to tell someone everything about me. I hope i will not regret this.",Depression +8233,"I am really high right now and I do not know what else to do at this point. It keeps getting worse and worse, i wrote notes for everyone and I keep trying to call my boyfriend to let him know I love him but hes asleep i really need to talk to him I am so sorry I am about to kill mysel f",Suicidal +8234,"I have my first new therapy sesh in a half hour and I am hoping it helps. I moved back home to my parents basement last summer after going thru severe depression from my first ever relationship ending. i feel really guilty because i said and did horrible things to make my ex feel the pain i was feeling and lost the great friendship we had because i wanted so badly to keep him interested in me- just to make myself feel like i was worth something. or to distract from how meaningless my life has always felt. I am a gay almost 25 year old from a big city and i had a good network of people in high school who still live here but they are all straight and i do not relate to them much. were not close. before moving back home i lived in my college town (another big city). most of my friends there were straight too and i felt different but i had closer relationships with them. since high school I have been deeply depressed and dissociated from my life so much i just showed up got the grades and graduated. no college professors to write letters of rec for grad school. credit score sucks. stuck in a dead end job here that i do a terrible job at because it feels pointless. it requires me to go into areas of the city that have shootings every day so I am always on edge that ill get shot or carjacked. it also sucks being the only gay person in a straight male dominated space. I have switched jobs every six months or so since finishing college 3 years ago so my resume looks too bad to get a cool new job. but i also feel like working in this strange capitalistic society is a waste of my time here on earth. i feel that there is so much i could accomplish but i have no avenues to achieving them. i now have an expensive ass car note so cannot quit my job. i am afraid ill never be successful, have my own place, live a life I am happy with, fulfill any purpose. i fight suicidal thoughts daily. i feel so alone and hopeless and idk where to go from here. Feeling Stuck and Hopeless",Depression +8235,"I know it sounds silly...I have not watched that much anime, only yugioh when I was a child nor have I played any anime games. Though I was playing that doodle champion island games thing on google and it was making me cry because... Idk it is all so lovely. I am fed up of trying to find hobbies, the emptiness, the loneliness, trying to distract myself, being endlessly haunted by how I feel, experimenting with medications that make things worse, no one understanding how I feel, the near constant worrying/anxiety, questions over my identity and all that shit... nothing has worked for me and it hurts so much. All that 'help' from others and trying by myself has perhaps made me understand things better, though I still struggle in a big way.Fuck, I just want a talking octopus, a ninja cat and blossom tree to hug me, eat noodles with me then go longboarding or cycling through a lovely old lane. I often wish I could exist in a cute anime world where everyone and everything was all fluffy and cuddly",Depression +8236,I have found myself in a mental rut lately. It seems to come in cycles. I have spent most of my days in bed. Have been canceling dates. Been ghosting the ones I care about. I do not know what to do. I am wasting my 20s worrying about things that have not even happened yet. I do not know why its so hard for me to accept happiness or allow people to love me. I think I have been down too long that I have started to glamorize being sad. Shit post,Depression +8237,"Shit sucks. In the last 70 days I have lost my wife, child, house, car, job, and next to all my financial stability.This is the first time I have been able to charge my phone in the last month and my liver is probably going to fail me if I do not kill myself, as this is the first time that I can remember myself not being drunk, excluding before all thisAll started with a rape accusation. I had just enough shit stacked against me I was almost found guilty for something only god knows I did not do, but only after my wife divorced and I was found an unfit parent. I lost my job and could not afford my car anymore. I have nothing but my clothes, my phone (which I plan on donating shortly after this) and a backpack with some suppliesIm known as a pedophile in my area and I have nobody to go to. No money to even leave. I have nothing leftAll I can do with my life now is end it and see what happens next. God know a I did not do it.I feel no need for privacy anymore since I have got some morphine and I am willing to answer any questions Poverty, crime, suicide",Suicidal +8238,"Skin veiled tightly, an accoutrement for ones bones Decay shelled with living InsentientAutolyticAntlers protrude timorously only to fold piercing within Poem",Depression +8239,"When I read about people withdrawing during depression, I read about how they stay at home, etc etc.I have been struggling with depression for a long time now and recently got better, but now it is back to being bad again. Ever since I quit meds it is gone this route. I hardly maintain contact with friends and have now officially decided to take a break from social media.I know this is bad but the strange thing is that I still do everything else. I leave the house everyday. I grocery shop, do the dishes, laundry, I want to go to places like art museums and go out shopping or do writing/art but I want to be alone. I am not lying in bed all the time either.For some reason I just do not want to have any contact/talk to anyone. This concerns me but I do not know why I feel like this.I am also struggling to feel emotions right now and have lost interest in what I love, I seriously do not even feel human at some points, which might be why I do not want to talk to people, because I do not want to keep up this facade that I am interested in the conversation. Yet I am still going out and doing stuff and have some interests. I just feel totally dead emotionally? I do not know how to explain it but I am trying to pull away from the internet to ""recharge"" and whatnot.Any advice or any similar situations would love to hear your advice, thank you Socially withdrawing but still doing everything else...",Depression +8240,Hi. I have been depressed off and on for 9 years and I was suicidal for the first 6 of those. I was glad to say that I had been doing better these past three years but in the span of half an hour my parents have been able to tear me down to the point where I am considering doing something terrible. I am so scared and I desperately need someone to talk to. I Need Help (Trigger Warning) NSFW,Suicidal +8241,"I am sorry to everyone that I have hurt by doing this. I cannot take it anymore, every day just blends into the next with this looming sense of I am just wasting my fucking life and this voice inside me constantly putting me down. Everywhere I go and have been I have been surrounded by wonderful, supportive people and yet I have never felt more alone during those moments. In these 23 years of life I have spent the past 9 just wishing and waiting for the sweet embrace of death. I just want to no longer feel alienated from the world, a robot operating a meat machine, completely devoid of purpose and emotion just living each day like clockwork. A feeling reminiscent of being a background character in a movie while the protagonists continue on their grand adventure. There honestly is no point in continuing on at this point because I cannot stand another day of If you kill yourself now then you will not get to see what the future holds! I have seen my future and there is no happy ending for myself, just images of my cold lifeless body hanging from a rafter somewhere or floating down a river, the next John Doe to be discovered by a passerby and just another statistic. So to all who saw some glimmer of potential in me or somehow found the strength to love me. Thank you, I love you and please keep continuing to spread good into this world. But there is nothing that will fix this broken soul. Goodbye",Depression +8242,"I honestly feel so low, my marriage is breaking down. I cannot get enough motivation to get out of bed. I am constantly letting people down, but I rationalise bad decisions like its a hobby.&#x200B;I was in a mental ward a month ago and was discharged with no coping mechanisms at all.The experience of being there has honestly made me feel like people do not care, makes me feel like just another name and number on a discharge document abandoning all ownership of risk of having me in a hospital.&#x200B; Every day is a constant battle with my own thoughts and I am really struggling to overcome it. I adore the thought of death, its sad but I honestly fantasise about it. I really do not know what to do, I am quite an impulsive person at heart and it scares me to know what I am capable of - but at the same time...I want it. I just have a constant fear of failure - but at the same time, if I do it correctly - I will not have to deal with any consequences of it as I will not be around. I know it seems like a weird twisted way of thought, but I am not thinking clearly. I know I am not thinking clearly, but yet again... I rationalise it. I am very scared Struggling, hard",Suicidal +8243,"I am shit at everything i attempt. I am shit at school. I am shit at relationships. I am shit at friendships. I am shit at work. i try so hard to improve and i just end up failing again. i do not know what the fuck is wrong with me. i hate myself. i can tel everyone around me hates me. i want to kill myself but i do not want to hurt my mom, she is already lost a child. i want everything to stop hurting. i want to be someone else. prettier, smarter, better. not this shit dump known as myself. worthless (vent)",Suicidal +8244,I feel like sometimes it would be easier to just end it. And not have to worry about anything. Sad,Depression +8245,"i want to die so fucking badly , i feel like the best thing to do is kill myself i just need to figure out when how and actually fucking do it. i feel like a mistake. i feel like i am going to kill myself sooner or later",Suicidal +8246,"I have been suicidal since age 12 after my mother passed away. It hit me so hard, I have never felt like life had robbed me more than in that moment. More importantly, I felt like life had robbed her. But she did not choose to die. She ended her suffering.But here I am in a perfectly healthy body and what seems like a fortunate life, and yet I want to end it. I have gone through most of my life just waiting for something to push me over the edge so that I can finally die. But unfortunately, I am still here. And even worse is that I have done nothing of value or meaning. I have wasted my time and missed out on opportunities with friends.. I have not been living. I have been waiting for death. I feel so useless and empty, that I do not have a goal, or a plan, or anything. I am just kind of floating through life without direction and I do not know how to handle that realization anymore. You know what is worse than dying? Going through life thinking ""you are going to end it all anyway so what is the point in trying?""",Suicidal +8247,"Just when I think I am starting to get better and get a hold of my anxiety & depression, something triggers me and I am back to feeling an immense amount of pain and suicidal thoughts. Its so scary when you are brain is constantly telling you that you are better off dead. I do not really want to die, I want to be somewhat at peace with myself and just live a decent life. It feels like that is just not going to happen for me. Sometimes I truly think that I was destined to commit suicide. I am hanging on by a thread at this point and as time goes on the hope I have left gets smaller and smaller. I cannot make any friends due to social anxiety and now spend almost all my days alone. I think I have a decent personality but no one ever gets to see it because of my sa. I feel like everyone just hates me. what is the point of life if you cannot even make meaningful relationships with people? I do not want to die but I do not want to be alive either. So tired of trying to get better and constantly being knocked down. My depression has me in a chokehold rn and I am trying so hard to not end it. I deserve to be happy and live a good life. I am not giving up on myself yet Just when I think I am getting better",Depression +8248,Feel free to get in touch. If you.are overwhelmed with screaming inside your own head and ruminations. ( not medically trained) years of experience mental health. Getting old and being really pissed off I am here throw it at me and I am free. As in.i do not cost anything apart from time. Take a hand up to mine and see if we can help each other. Sounding board,Suicidal +8249,everything i have been living for the last year or so is so far away. i do not know what to do. I am so tired of fighting. i just got my wisdom teeth out. thinking of combining all the pills they gave me and all my antidepressants/anxiety meds and hoping they just do the job. I am terrified they will not. i hate the rehabilitation. i do not want to come back this time. what if it does not work? I am so tired i think i may kill myself today,Suicidal +8250,"Skin veiled tightly, an accoutrement for ones bones Decay shelled with living Insentient Antlers protrude timorously only to fold piercing within Autolytic Poem",Depression +8251,"I am done. I want to end this shit NOW. I cannot take it, I find that the things that I enjoy are berated by others and it hurts. Eh, I guess those things are not really that enjoyable anyway so its whatever. But nobody gives a shit what I think. I get no real support from anyone and its because I am absolutely unvalueable. I am the last person on their minds even though I try to say and do the right things. Nothing works and nothing gets better. Its always the people who I have talked to who end up happy with the last laugh.I will always be seen as potentially dangerous because of the examples of the many men before me. I will always be seen as a loser because I simply cannot compete with the billions of others out there who could easily replace me at any time. I will always feel lonely because no one wants to be around someone like me who mentions anything from this post. do not take what I say the wrong way, I am not blaming anyone else. I am not angry at anyone in particular. Its just about time I stfu and accept that I will always be unwanted. That other people will always have another someone who would they rather be with. That the negatives in life will always outweigh the positives. So no, I do not want to wait any longer than I have to to see what happens in the future. I KNOW my future, so do what you have been doing and leave me alone. I want this to be my final message before I am gone. Know that I am through trying to make new relationships and connections. Know that I am cutting ties with preexisting ones so they will not find out. Know that my parents would not care that much. Know that I have tried. I am done with life's bs, it does not even want me to be alive anyway so why did I bother even reaching out here in the first place? I do not care anymore honestly. It never leads to anything. I am too tired to do anything right now tho, I hope to one day have the courage and energy to have this be over lest I end up being 30 with many more issues. I want this to be my final message before I am gone.",Suicidal +8252,"Hey guys, for a long time now I have been feeling really bad about myself after a lot of negativity I have 0 self confidence and its always such an effort having a decent conversation with someone, I always worry about if I am too awkward or stupid and just end up a mess in the process. When it comes to relationships none have ever worked out, they were always pretty awkward and never lasted long I blame myself for it to be honest. Even after 10 months of gym and people telling me I look great I never feel good enough and I doubt I ever will. All in all I just feel terrible about myself. I have school in less than a month and I am turning 14 pretty soon, its sad that life goes so fast, I miss being happy and not caring about every tiny thing I do. I have not really talked about this kind of stuff ever so that is why I am saying it here. Hopefully someone understands me, I am going to go sleep soon since its pretty late, goodnight God bless. Low self esteem sucks :/",Depression +8253,"Things like acne and a crooked nose may be brushed off by some people. However, if they are causing you do lose sleep, cry and hate yourself they are to you what some, seemingly much more severe things are to others. You are not an ungrateful brat for this. it is okay to be depressed because you are balding, or because you have never had a gf/bf. Just because you have not been abused or had a horrible life does not mean your feelings are less ""valid"". Different things hurt people in different ways.",Depression +8254,"there is been too much stuff in my life like my voice, its annoying, I have been rejected over 300 times in my 14 years of ""living"" and my dad nearly raped me also he abused me i think I am wanting to commit",Suicidal +8255,"I do not want anyone telling me not to do it. If you came to lift my spirits you can leave, I just want answers. My mom has a bottle of Lisinopril that will last a month, would I die if I took them all? How much Lisinopril is deadly to a teen?",Suicidal +8256,Its been months and i still cannot get it together i do not even want to get out of bed anymore I am not even tired but i just want to sleep and i do not think i can do it for much longer what is the point of living on and trying to trust people when the one person that said theyed never hurt you go around and do that exact thing over and over again,Suicidal +8257,"I always see people saying that suicide is bad ""because you have so much to live for"" or because things will get better one day but they will not. I cannot ever have a happy life. Even if there is some sort of miracle where i overcome depression and anxiety and dysphoria and dysmorphia and recover from my three eating disorders and quit self harm and my parents are suddenly no longer abusive I will always have PTSD and CPTSD. I really think my life is irreparable There is not anything left for me",Suicidal +8258,"I am sure the answer is unfortunately yes, but has anyone else recently had friends abruptly ghost or betray them without any explanation? I am talking really close friends who told you you could trust them and you were vulnerable around. Friend troubles",Depression +8259,"I believe that I am just a fat, useless, worthless autistic loser. My whole life was a disaster from childhood up to now. I was bullied my whole life, eventually online for 3 years as well. I was not the best kid either because I was immature and had a temper which I still do. In college nobody liked me because I was different due to my autism. Same with 2 High School bands and every job I had. So basically I was hated my entire life. there is no point in me having a career in anything either, because nobody will ever hire me so there is no point in trying. I truly believe that I deserve to die what is the point?",Depression +8260,"fuck this so damn much, fuck math, fuck succeeding, fuck highschool, fuck school, FUCK EVERYTHING RELATED TO THAT SHIT!i do not even want to graduatein fact, if i had it my way, i would lay down and daydream forever and just. not do anythingliterally just not do anything forever, except for daydream inside my own mindgod i want to kill myself so damn badlyi hate this world, i want to be free, i want to escape, i want to get outi do not want to be here anymore, i just want to break out and fucking... i do not fucking know, just kill myself or somethingim so obsessed with the idea of escapism, in some universe, i got away from... all of thismy parents, school, the harsh realities of lifethat's all life is, work and school, work and schoolstrict rulespeople up your ass about stupid work shitthat's it, we do not get anything other than thisthere's nothing fucking magical about life, we might as well just be robotshonestly, being a robot is better than being a humanbeing alive is just... lifeless, in a way. it does not mean anything. i was born in the wrong universeim not meant to be herei want to be somewhere else, somewhere safer, more magical, with meaning and purposeand...yeah fuck summer school",Suicidal +8261,I am into my last week now. I have messed around with trying to kill myself before but never succeeded. Pretty sure I can do it this time and I feel almost happy at the moment knowing that it all ends soon. Into my last week,Suicidal +8262,"Seriously I have been trying to find something that fills me with that spark again that I barely even remember anymore.Work is boring and I hate every second of it.I have seen the nature around me a million times it just does not do it for me.Food, sex, drugs and roller-coasters are all temporary and you fall back to the same cycle of misery in no time.Human interactions are draining and currently the worst thing about life for me because everyone take a everything too personally and tries to make you feel guilty about yourself.The world is going fucking downhill and there is no great future ahead of us.I tried to look around me for anything that gives me joy, and the only thing that I find is my cat. Give me a reason to be happy about something.",Depression +8263,"I have not genuinely smiled in a long time and nowadays its becoming more of a chore to fake one. I have lost all my appetite and feel like vomiting when I take a few bites, even when I am starving. I feel no joy in life and no hope for the future. Colours have lost their vibrancy making everything in life darker. I know nothing changed but my outlooks become dark and I cannot change it back to how I used to see the world. I have a few friends who I hang with from time to time but feel no enjoyment with them at all. My real friends are all over the world and Ill probably never see them again in my life. I cannot talk to anyone about how I am feeling because those friends do not really care and my supposed family does not do much talking. Most days I try to ignore how I am feeling but lately I cannot anymore. I cannot even be bothered to fake being normal anymore. I wake up only to sleep and nothing more. I am finding it hard to put everything to words because this is a first for me. If you have come this far, thank you for reading my rant and I hope your day was better than mine I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +8264,"I am not sure where to start.. there is many things wrong in my life. However I do not think I have even ""lived"" to begin with. I am 17 since mid june and I feel like I have already wasted my entire life. I have never been in a relationship.(even though I have been asked out a few times before, however I have always rejected them due to several reasons.) I have never been to a party. I have never done drugs or got drunk. I have never had many friends and I have been bullied all throughout my school life. One of the people I have considered my friend in middle school, bullied and used me. She even sexually assaulted and tried to humiliate me with that in public. I have only realized that she was not really my friend later on.My best (and only) friend that I have known since pretty much forever, never texts me back. He always tells me that he forgot to check his messages, even though I see him interact with other people and post stuff daily on the app we chat with. it is been four days since we last texted and I feel annoying and clingy. And I am pretty sure he feels that way about me. I know that everyone does. I am nothing more than a burden to everyone around me. The only time I was any good was when I was groomed into taking off my clothes and participating in sexual roleplay in front of many adult men online when I was 11-13 I guess.. I did it because of my low self-esteem, body issues(I still almost cry when looking into the mirror tbh.)and loneliness, it was the first time i felt someone actually wanted me around. I now know that it was wrong and that I was sexually abused.When I was around 11 years old I have started to get suicidal thoughts and when I was 12 I have almost stabbed myself in the stomach Infront of my older sister and my mother. Both of them called me a freak and said that I was sick in the head. I am still saying that I want to die pretty much daily and they do not really care. Even one time a few weeks ago, I have told my mother before going to bed that I will kill myself that night, because I was so sure that I was going to do it. She again did not care. Just like when I was growing up, she was rather on her phone than paying any attention to me. I do not think my dad knows about all of that. Even if he did, I am pretty sure that he would not care either. My only (childhood) memories of him are just him yelling at me. I mean I was an accidental child after all, makes sense that they rather want me gone.I think I am destined to be a failure and kill myself. I was always the weird, shy kid that barely smiled. My house burned down when I was around 6 years old, which made me even worse. The only thing that actually still gives me somewhat joy is my teddybear that my grandmother gave me for Christmas when I was 3. I know it is kind of pathetic and sad but it was one of the only things that did not burned to a crisp. Something else that gave me joy and an actual reason to live was my cat who passed away. Tomorrow it will be two year without her. I miss her so much. Most times she was the only one who comforted me when I was crying and when I felt alone. The only real one. I am a maladaptive daydreamer, I have been doing it since I can even remember. I often daydream about my favorite characters from mostly anime comforting and being with my all the time, from the moment I wake up to when I fall asleep. It makes me feel even worse and lonely. I use fiction to distract myself from everything. Scrolling through social media and seeing drawings and fanfiction of my favorite characters helps and it actually makes me feel happy sometimes. However those feelings quickly vanish when I snap back to reality.I know that I am just a pathetic and weird loner, who should just die. I have been going to a therapist since april and that does not help me either. I mean, I have gotten diagnosed with social anxiety and I am probably being tested for depression after I have got tested for autism in october. But who knows if I even live that long?I do not think that I will. My life has been miserable. And I am scared of my future. I am pretty much done with school and I have no idea what to do in life. So I should just take the easy way out.I am not sure if anyone's going to actually read this. If you do, I apologize. This post is a mess and I am pretty sure it is hard to read. I just wrote all of my current thoughts down. Also english is not my first language, sorry.Just know that I will not be doing it now or in the next few hours. Writing everything down kind of helped me with not committing suicide. But I cannot promise that I am not doing it this month or the next one. I already give in to the urge to cut myself, so giving in to the urge to ending it all is not far off, right? lol.I think I am just going to sleep soon. it is 2:10 AM where I live and I am pretty tired right now. I hope that you are alright. And I hope you have a nice day/night.(Good)bye. Why even bother with living?",Suicidal +8265,Tried 4 times. Did permanent damage but even failed at killing myself. My life just keeps getting worse no matter how hard I try. I have a rare genetic illness that makes me extremely sensitive to drugs and alcohol. I figure maybe I can slowly kill myself by just drinking or something. it will be slower than I want but faster than others because of this illnesses. Idk shit about drugs and alcohol though. Just want to die. I am done. Please :( 28. Never done drugs or drank. Might start because I apparently cannot even kill myself right.,Suicidal +8266,"It would just be nice to share perspective or see how other people help support their loved ones when things get tough or said loved ones are having bad episodes. But I also understand that hearing about said perspective and experience with living with depressed persons might come off as triggering to anyone who is depressed, if I were depressed I would hate to see how my depression has affected others around me. it is an inevitable thing that happens, and it is a complicated issue. But something that I think is not talked about much in my experience.it is a hard pill to swallow but being a part of a depressed persons support group can be really traumatizing when things get bad, more so if you live with them. Like I have had to talk them down from suicide, bring them out of their intrusive suicidal ideation induced by substance abuse, cleaned up their blood after self harming occured, having to see them in a psych ward, being afraid of triggering an episode, being afraid of walking in on a dead body in your own home. And that is not accounting for being there for another relative who was in the hospital after an attempt or having a best friend who is also medically depressed. It is all around me.TW VENT AHEADAnd no matter what, despite all of that. you are always supposed to push down whatever feelings of anger and frustration or sadness you might have in favor of taking care/supporting the person that needs the most help at the moment. And feelings of resentment happen but I personally do not want to feel that way, I feel that letting those negative emotions take over helps no one, much less the person you want to help. But it is so hard sometimes, and it is hard to talk about without sounding emotionally selfish to some capacity, because you have a whole medically depressed person right there! so you automatically feel guilty for even taking your feelings in consideration. Like ""how dare you be negatively affected my someone else's depression, fuck you! their well being and mental health is important than yours at the moment! Suck it up!"" and I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but it is the reality of things. Like whatever I am feeling needs to take a back seat because I need to reserve my emotional energy for when another depressive episode from one of my relatives rolls around. And yes this person has a psyche, a therapist, and meds. If they did not have those things they would have definitely been gone by now, but it still seems like it is going to be a while until they are able to manage their depression. it is just really hard and I feel so alone in these types of feelings I am having, these feelings that i feel like I cannot afford to have. But that is not realistic and these feelings are there and they are eating away at me, it makes me want to run away from it all. But again it can always be written off by a statement like this ""well whatever you are feeling I can guarantee you the depressed person is having a worse time than you right now"" and...they would be right!....and I go back to feeling like shit and the cycle continues. But I feel so written off constantly because I am in such constant and close proximity to depression, i feel like I am not allowed to be cared about or acknowledge whatever it is I am going through or feeling. I just do not know if anyone feels this way. VENT OVERThat said, I think a therapist would be the best answer to my plight but I do not have access to one, no healthcare, I am the process of having that be sorted out. And I know you can only do so much as a support, you are not supposed to shoulder to much of a depressed persons burden, but it is different when you live with them, you see the depression and you experience their episodes from the outside, except you are not exactly a bystander either and you got to get your hands dirty. So that is why i wanted to know if there is any collective of people who has experienced any situation similar. I do not know where else to ask this, but is there a support group for relatives living with depressed persons? or a support group for the support group of a depressed individual? it is a unique experience and I would like to speak with others who have experience living with medically depressed persons.",Depression +8267,"Hi, I am curious to know how others distract themselves from everything they are going through. My boyfriend has depression, and he does not have any interests or a passion to distract him if he needs to, and since we have some distance I cannot always physically be there for him to be the distraction he needs. When I got rlly sad I usually was triggered by something (not always ofc, sometimes i would just wake up that way). I learned to deal with that by doing something that distracts me, but even when I was depressed I still had a lot of interests and things that I like to do or atleast that would distract me from whatever was triggering me. I just do not know how to help him in any other way rather than going on reddit and see what helps for others to hopefully try it out and let it be something that helps for him too. I just do not know what to tell him or what to do or how to support him since I do not know what I would have done if I had nothing that distracted me, i think i would be doomed idk... What helps to take your mind off things?",Depression +8268,"I have been thinking a lot about this question because I really do not know at this point. So I am wondering what makes you guys happiest? Personally I think my dog, which is always so uplifting and never disappointed in you, and music which always makes me distracted from the real world and there is so much that its hard to tired of. Really made me realize how temporary all sources of happiness are. Hope you all are having a good day. What makes you happiest?",Suicidal +8269,alskjdalskdjalskdjalskdjalskdjalskjd aslkdjaslkdjaslkdjaslkdjaslkdjaslkdj,Suicidal +8270,"I am a mom and wife to two beautiful boys and husband. It all started with insomnia due to going back to school, getting covid and trying to homeschool. I got horrible anxiety and stopped sleeping so I tried several sleeping pills to no avail which led to a prescription of Lexapro and Temazepam. The Lexapro sent me into a spiral and after 5 weeks I had to stop it and have had horrible side effects and am now trying to taper off of Temazepam. I do t know which symptoms are from which drug withdrawal but I have reacted so horribly to theses drugs I dream of only having insomnia again. Week after week things never get better. I am anxious, suicidal, and have all kinds of strange symptoms that Dr.s do not understand or want to prescribe more drugs for. I am afraid the meds have caused permanent damage even in the short time I have taken them, and now its like being trapped in hell. I can barely care for myself let alone my kids. Suicide seems like the only way out. I cannot put them through this anymore. But I do not want to die. What would you do if you were literally going crazy, but cannot take meds, but also do not want to permanently damage your family either? Mom of 2 in bento withdrawal",Suicidal +8271,And if music does not do the job anymore I have suicide I guess. No matter how bad it gets I have music,Suicidal +8272,I have been talking to someone i had also met on here and i just told them i do not want to continue talking to them because it was beginning to affect me negatively. I feel like it was kind of selfish of me to do this because they have been going through a lot and i basically just left them. They seemed a little mad at me when i told them and now i do not know how to feel. When we would talk it felt like they were becoming dependent on me and it was just a lot of pressure but i truly did and still care about them. It just got too much. I do not know what to do. idk what i just did.,Depression +8273,"A successful person can say million philosophical quotes because he achieved everything that he wanted and living a comfortable life. Most people get success in their life because they are gifted(Good or at least reasonable IQ, adequate confidence, some important skills, etc.). What about a person like me, who is handicapped in everything that gives success. I work very hard but I could not be able to do things properly such as my exams, presentations, interviews, etc. I often fail in everything because I was not born with a good IQ. An opportunity has been never given in my life, and gifted people give me some non-sense lectures and philosophy on how they have achieved their success. Why do not they understand that I have a different capacity compared to them? I feel like I do not want to live anymore among the people who never understand me. Why the world does not care about ordinary people like me? Do I have a place to live among them because everyone is better than me.",Suicidal +8274,"My long term girlfriend broke up with me because she does not love me anymore, apparently being depressed does not get much sympathy or help. All my friends are moving away to go to university shortly and I do not see much of then anymore. I have work but that is about it now, I find no joy in that. My day just feels meaningless and I do not know what to do. I have told my mother how I feel but she says it will pass and that is it is just a break up (it is more than that). I mentioned counseling and she told me she went for a year after she divorced my dad but did not mention taking me. I am only 18, I do not have a lot of control in my life yet and I have no one to talk to What do I do now",Depression +8275,What would it be? I think mine would be *suffocating* If you could describe your depression in a word or two..,Depression +8276,"I am 15 and my brother died a few months ago. It was horrible and I was very close to killing myself, but a profound drug experience saved me. I finally thought that the bad days were over and I could start feeling somewhat normal, and then I learn my sister is in the hospital and will die tonight. Also my dad is in the hospital in horrible condition and could very well die this month or week. I cannot fucking do this anymore. It just keeps getting worse",Suicidal +8277,"He called himself stupid. So I asked him , ""Why do you think you are stupid? I call you smart all the time"" my brother is SEVEN and he said ""everyone calls me smart but they are lying , all i know how to do is play games. I am dumb"" HES FUCKING SEVEN. HES FUCKING SEVEN YEARS OLD AND HES FUCKING DEPRESSED ALREADY. My parents are neglectful and they did me the same way , the first time I knew I hated myself was around 9. How did they fuck up again. Fucking how. My little brother is 7 and he already hates himself.",Depression +8278,"Sometimes I can understand that my depression is a chemical thing, that its something Ill have forever and can manage through drugs and therapy. But other times, I think its just how I am supposed to be. I am a loser, nothing goes my way. I was born into a family of privilege but I have made less than nothing of myself. Every job I apply for I get rejected, I try incredibly hard at school and get mediocre grades. I worked my ass off, even having a psychotic break, to finish graduate school and gained literally nothing but debt. I got a professional certification in data analytics and cannot get a single interview. I met a girl I adore and her best friend goes out of his way to turn everyone against me. No matter how hard I try it what I try to do, I am going to fail. I am really thinking I should not be trying anymore, what is the point when you are doomed to fail? I am a loser",Depression +8279,"i do not care about my studies. i do not care about my career. i do not care about money. i do not care about my happiness or sadness. i do not care about my hopes and dreams. i do not care about my wants or needs. i do not care about my family. i do not care about my past, present, future. i do not care if i live or die.i just do not care, man.do i just end it cus i know i never will? get it over with?do i keep going, hoping one day ill care about something? anything? whatever",Suicidal +8280,Only one person is keeping me alive Hit my head off my desk till it bled,Suicidal +8281,"hi, I am favio, just a 18 years old boy, who suffers depression and anxiety.i have no close friends (not interested at all, but you know humans are social beings, so sometimes we need to talk to another person) i study virtually (really hate quarantine) and i exercise (at home of course) and i tried to commit suicide, tried to hang me (could not complete because it was painful). i always feel empty, do not like existing, its like idk, am not necessary and I am just here wasting oxygen lmaoi decided to join reddit and meet new people who have passed through something similar (forgive any mistake of my basic english D:) introducing myself",Suicidal +8282,"it is here again. The little voice in my head telling me that life are not worth living no more. I do not know what caused me to snap this time. Or the last, or the time before but by some sorta cosmic joke, I am still here and alive, pretty much everything from joining gang violence on purpose to drinking poision. 6 times I have attempted suicide in the past. I am sure I need to check myself into an institution but tbh it really are not worth it money wise as funny as it sounds. I feel weirdly calm about all this and even have a 3 page note written out to my girlfriend of 5 years lnd friends and family. I guess I am just writing this because I feel literally empty. This most recent attempt is another car crash. On the side of a mountain. I felt the rush, like dopamine hitting the back of my skull. Grateful that there would be no more of me if I did roll off that side, the car hit a rock and slid to the opposite end and thus I am here writing this. I wrote here before but deleted it. I know my psychology is all fucked up here. And words can only do so much so why would writing anonymously change anything I think to myself. I have a will to live I guess, well not by my prior actions obviously. But 90% of me is dead. Throughout all my horrific attempts I still have yet to break a single bone in my body much less get whiplash. Hence the cosmic joke. I honestly wish it was easy to die. I think the reason I have yet to is guilt for my loved ones who will have to suffer monetary and emotional pain for my selfish actions. If anything it would be better if I were just erased. Like I never even existed. That would be nice. I think the reason I write this is to grasp at straws. A bit of hope that my life somehow has meaning in all of this. I really cannot see anything in front of me that is worth living as harsh as that sounds. And that things would be better off without me getting in the way. I do not know really. I am at an impass yet again. How I got through before I do not know and still do not. That voice in my head is saying, it is okay to be selfish just this once, no need to think about anyone or anything else. I do not know anymore. Honestly I do not know... I am sure my story is like those of many others.",Suicidal +8283,"This is my first time posting here or anywhere actually, but I just really wanted to share this with someone. I have lost all my interest in things I used to enjoy the most. I think it happened three or four years ago, but I could not accept the fact that I do not enjoy the thing I used to love the most (it was animated movies), so I kept forcing myself to watch them, but every time I kept having weird thoughts and just would give up watching them thinking that Ill start enjoying later. To be honest, the fact that I lost all my interest made me even more depressed. Now I do not enjoy anything. Listening to music does not bring joy anymore, I skip meals and I do not feel excited for food as I used to before. I used to like cooking, but now frying an egg seems like an impossible task to do. I started getting panic attacks last fall and struggled with thanatophobia for couple years, and now I just have no energy to do anything. I feel anxious all the time. Sometimes I try watching some tv show, but for some reason I just cannot watch it even if I want to. I cannot sleep at nights and only fall asleep when its 7-9am. I feel bad for my family because I feel like I am a waste of space and just useless, but at the same time I cannot bring myself to do anything. I wish I never existed, I feel like a total disappointment. Before I wanted to get therapy, but after going to four different therapists, I lost all the hope and now I do not want to cure my depression. For some reason, my depression makes me feel safe now. I am really confused on what is happening with me. I am sorry for such a long post Losing interest",Depression +8284,"Title speaks for itself. For years a close friend and I have been working on getting a house. He ended up having a child with his girlfriend and now they are married, but it was all planned that she would come along and be in our house when we got it. Well, plans changed and my friends wifes parents talked my friends wife out of it and used me as an excuse saying that I am not safe to be around because I went to the mental hospital in the past. They said I am dangerous and Ill end up killing everyone including the kid. They say that, and then say how my firiend is not ready to buy a house, but then forces him on a loan application to buy a house with the in-laws. So now, I am not going to have a home, my friend is locked in with his in-laws, his in-laws have taken total control of my friends marriage and now will not let me anywhere close to the house. Knowing this is how people feel about me (and multiple parties at that) it just brings me down. Ever since I went to the mental hospital, I have been treated like shit by so many people. I have been called a monster, a demon, a threat to society. All because I could not handle my emotions anymore. I wish I could talk to my friends in-law to their face and tell them to tell me I should have killed back then. Honestly I believe it though. I should have just killed myself back then. Its evident the world would have been better off without me, since people are so annoyed by my existence. Jokes on them. I am going to kill myself and make sure people know so they can celebrate my death. I hate this world, and here is another reason. The world has turned its back on me, and now I turn my back on the world. This is the end. People do not trust me purely because I went to a mental hospital before. Feeling like I should have just killed myself back then when I had the chance",Suicidal +8285,"I am so done. I cannot keep living how I am. I just want to die all of the time and nothing ever makes me feel better. therapy, medication, even vacations and treating myself- I still feel empty and like I do not want to do anything. I failed out of college twice. I ruined my credit score along with my familys. I am such an idiot. I have no ambition at all, I am not good at anything, and i do not want to try anything. I just want to but a bullet through my head and be done. I do not want to go to school or work or eat. Its going to be so much easier for my family to be forced to give up on me now than to be disappointed in me over and over again for the rest of my life. done",Suicidal +8286,"I have struggled with anxiety depression my whole life. I have extreme anxiety which I think ultimately makes me depressed. I put off dealing with the issues for years, because of stigma and just not understanding what was going on. In my late teens my mom finally forced me start medicine and see a therapist. I had a lot of bad circumstances, but after I graduated college my life suddenly started looking up. A few months after graduating the most amazing thing happened. I met this cute, funny, guy through mutual friends - and he asked me out on a date. There was an instant attraction. We talked everyday and began dating officially a month later. It was the happiest Id ever been in my life. I had a job, I moved out of my parents house, I had friends, and I had a loving boyfriend. My life was finally coming together how I wanted it. I thought, maybe my depression and anxiety are finally gone. I was always anxious about something bad happening because my life seemed too good to be true.Then - just a few weeks after we celebrated our 6 month anniversary, my boyfriend came over to my house one day and dumped me. I was completely blindsided. He told me he just was not as invested in the relationship as he should be, and was not falling in love with me. He cut me off and never reached out, even on my birthday. My life fell apart. All of my anxiety and depression came back in full swing.I realized that I am not valued or competent at my job, all of my friends have boyfriends who they would much prefer to hang out with. And honestly? I miss living with my parents and can barely afford to make it by. I hate my life. Everyday I go to sleep and hope that I just do not wake up. I want to disappear. I frequently fantasize about suicide but I know I am not brave enough to do it. I have put my poor parents through enough by creating such a mess of my life. Nothing can make it better, just have to keep dealing with the pain of life. I think this is rock bottom",Depression +8287,"I hate when I am trying to be social or myself ( I am usually shy) and someone says ""stop being weird"" it literally makes me shut down and go silent Life is so difficult",Suicidal +8288,"i do not want to work, go to school, or do anything whatsoever. nor do i have future prospects or aspirations. I am a soulless, friendless, hopeless excuse for a human being, and I am heavily considering suicide. but I am scared of the pain i would have to endure via gunshot, drowning, etc. wtf do i do? welp",Suicidal +8289,I just gone in veccation at my uncle island And i want to know what would happen if i commited suicide there ?Would the police interfile him or have a investigation Can anyone explain this to me,Suicidal +8290,Any tips to get over the random overwhelming waves that hit hard? Tips,Depression +8291,"I am not sure if this is a common experience of depression or not. I have tried searching online but cannot find anything.At various points of my life when I have been suffering with a bout of depression I feel so old.Like I feel as though my life is over, my good days are behind me. First time I remember feeling like this I was 18. I feel physically old as well. My body aches etc.Was wondering if anyone else has this or if its something peculiar to me.I am 33 now so not young but not as old as I feel. Feeling really old",Depression +8292,"I was going up to make food but then I just put it all away. I do not even have energy for it. Not even to make eggs which takes few mins. I am an ugly male , objectively. Ugliness is not subjective when truly ugly is what many cheesey normies fail to realize. I have severe depression, ill be a loner virgin forever. I do not want to work. I am a slave to money then I die. I only sorta have video games but its also getting boring. Everything is boring. I really wish I had the courage because I would be dead if I did there is no point id rather be dead",Suicidal +8293,"I think I have been depressed for years but nothing compares to how I have been feeling the past few months. I have only ever thought about dying in the past but now I see things and go to places and gather a mental list of how I could actually do it. Its messed up but I even hope that some kind of illness does the job for me or getting into an accident. I have thought about it so much that I did not even react when I almost got in a car accident today. Everyone else in the car got a fright and screamed but I was just disappointed. How fucked up is that? I did not feel scared, I just wanted it to end. And I used to think to myself if I am going to live then Ill give it my everything then I would go and get straight As and workout daily to try to pull myself together. I do not know what is changed but that mindset does not work anymore. I feel helpless and I do not want to talk to anyone about it because I know that no matter what they say it will not help me feel better. Then they will either get annoyed or bored because I am a shitty person. I am so numb",Suicidal +8294,"I have been dealing with depression since I was 16, and now I am 27. I have been eating sweet's for a long time. My sugar intake has to be through the roof. But just a few years ago I thought about suicide and I attempted it a few times. I failed. But instead I decided that I could not deal with the short pain of going through that and possibly surviving. Most people eat unintentionally to suppress their feelings or to feel better. But I decided if I am going to kill myself, that is it is going to be slow and I am going to enjoy it. I have been overeating intentionally, eating food to gain weight, eating so much sugar that it is all I have got.Maybe I will stop, but for now I am happy killing myself. I have been slowly killing myself with food",Depression +8295,"It has been three years, three years of daily job hunting. I have applied everywhere, tried everything, been at countless job interviews, answered to a gargantuan number of job calls, and still I am here, unemployed. I have graduated a few hours ago, and now I am curled in bed sobbing my heart out.My lease expires on 31 July. Within three days I have to leave this flat and I have nowhere to go. I will be forced to go back to my abusive mother's place, next door with my rapist, on the other side of the country, hours away from my fianc. I cannot express in words the amount of pain, fear, and despair that I am feeling.I have suffered from a severe form of depression since childhood. I have been increasingly better after moving away from that place. It has been a slow, difficult path, but I was betterbetter for real. And now, everything feels like it was just a taste of the freedom and the happiness I will never achieve.I proposed to my fianc on the first of January, just a few minutes after midnight. I have never felt so much at peace as when he said, ""you already know that it is a yes!"". he is not a very affectionate person, but earlier he saw me in this state and tightly held me. He asked me to tell him what I feel, and I just replied, ""like I am slowly walking towards my end"".All of this because I cannot find a job, a whatever job, just a job. I applied everywhere, and in the end, no one ever wants to hire me. I feel undesiderable, useless, and pathetic. Am I just a waste of space? Am I just a waste of life? I cannot go back to my previous life. I cannot keep surviving in hell after tasting how it is outside of it. My heart is slowing shattering again, and I cannot hold it together anymore. Nobody wants to hire me and I feel like I am slowing dying of heartbreak... quite literally",Depression +8296,"I am 22 malei have been sexually abused as a kid for 5 years.physically beaten very hard as a kid.developed severe mental illness symptoms as a kid.attempted suicide at the age of 16.attempted suicide again at the age of 18.diagnosed with severe BPD.cannot afford anti depression medication.living in a country that is under a dictatorship.cannot find or aquire a job because of the countries conditions.my mother has decided to live with her mom instead of with me and my dad.i constantly suffer from extremely terrifying nightmares.overweight eating alot smoking cigarretes and not leaving the house.every night wishing i was dead.this is not life this is not living.this is not LIVINGthis is just suffering.i just wish i could die i wish i could just die and finish this i do not care about any sort of after life i just want to die.i do not even know why I am writing hereim a pathetic loser who has nothingbut i write this stuff so mayyyybe i can clear out my thoughts just a tiny bit.i do not knowim confused and in pain.most likely going to be shot by the dictator police, even if i do not kill myself. this is not living",Suicidal +8297,"I feel like I will always, endlessly be misunderstood because I do not understand myself. I will always get myself used. I will always be nothing and want things I cannot have. I cannot have the pain of all of this anymore. I am buckling under. I am so fucking sad and there is nothing I can do. My head is just dark and I might as well just die I do not know if I can take the pain",Suicidal +8298,"To be quite honest, I felt validated. I have been struggling since I was 10. I am 20 now. All this time I thought there was something wrong with me or that whatever I was going through was not real. I still do not quite know how to talk about it with my family without making them worried. I struggle with suicidal ideation a lot and that is one reason why I want to tell my family that I have been struggling with depression so that they are aware of the risks. However, I do not want to seek too much attention for the fear of being taken lightly or as a liability. I do not want people to think that they are obligated to make me feel good or be there for me as a form of pity. I also feel that nobody actually cares enough so why even bother. I know that is probably not true but it is hard to convince yourself of otherwise especially when you are depressed and have a particularly bad case of low esteem. I have not had the courage to tell anyone in my real life yet, but I want to get it off my chest. After 10 years of struggle, I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression yesterday.",Depression +8299,"After being lonely for so many years as a teenager, when I found a girlfriend that I thought to be loving told me that she does not want me to move in with her while she is at Uni.While being lonely these years I read about philosophy, particularly about stoicism and other philosophies which are related to it and they helped me to keep going but right now I feel like nothing can help me.Last week I tried overdosing on paracetamol before finding out that is one of the worst drugs to od on.And of course it barely affected me.But holy shit finding out tonight that she does not want me to come with her I felt like an absolute shit being.I expected this to be honest but I did not how I would deal with it and now I just want to off myself.Somehow I knew this moment will come and I abused alcohol and now combining with paracetamol I began to feel even worse by the day.I know that liver failure can because a painful death but I honestly cannot take it anymore. I am sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language. I honestly cannot take it anymore.",Suicidal +8300,My english kind of sucks but i hope you make sense what iam sayingIam not sure if a depressed or if something is wrong with meIam 20 i have been bullied from the 1st gradeBeing hit every dayTeacher knowing iam being bullied and laughs with the bullies Bullie tries to kill me for fun(he threw me from a cliff)i got lucky and i cached on a treeI have good friends My crush confessed and wd dated for some timeA lot of good thing happend in this 20 yearsBut still as soon as i go to sleep i cannot stop crying etc.Iam a depressed or i have something else called otherwise? I am Depressed?,Depression +8301,"Had about a 3rd a bottle of rum, alcohol is the only thing that numbs the pain. Drunk n sad",Depression +8302,"I have not been diagnosed but I know I am suffering, things that used to be easy eat at me from inside. I push all my friends away from me, I have been meaning to change my bed sheets for over a month, I feel filthy, I do not want to take care of myself the only reason I shower occasionally is to look presentable for once in front of my parents. Every day I am ashamed of myself and crushed by guilt from what I am unable to do because it should be so easy. I am so ashamed of myself.I have tried talking to my parents but nothing's come of it. I have talked to my mom several times and asked her to maybe look at therapy options for me but nothing's happened, I feel like she thinks I said these things to her only for attention but I did not . She told me I need to stop looking for other things to blame my hardships on. I have had conversation with my dad and he acknowledged me in the moment but did not bring it up again afterwards. I am tired of not being taken seriously. I am too embarrassed to ask for help again, especially since I have been trying to hide it from my parents so I guess they think I am fine now. I feel embarrassed that I need help. How do I do it myself??If it matters, I am 17. How to get better without help from others?",Depression +8303,God help me I just cut myself its not too big but its just got me thinking is living even worth it? We just keep working for what? Our future? God I am such a useless idiot I cannot contribute to anything god help me Damnit,Suicidal +8304,"i do not care if this is impulsive, my head and heart hurt and have been all day, i know i will never have him back, i just need to go. endless cycle of misery. I am done",Suicidal +8305,"Please can you give me some advice on how to help my long distance partner through a deep depression. He is telling me that he wants to give up on everything and I am extremely worried about him. He thinks that he is holding me back and that he is not good for me, and he admitted that he was considering breaking up with me because of this. But I can clearly see that this is not he wants, and he is just hurting himself by doing so. He also admitted he is trying to push me away because he is hurting me, but will not communicate with me about what hes going through or how he feels.I have tried as many things as I can think of: listening/being here for him, suggested doctor visits for trying meds/counselling, mindfulness, suggested exercises and to meet up with friends and family. there is more, but that is some examples. Despite this, he continues to tell me that he wants to give up on himself and keeps saying that we should not be together, quoting: I wish things were easier, I wish things did not mess up the way it did. But I just want to let you go because you do not deserve any of that and I will keep hurting you if we keep going But I am 100% sure that he does not want to give up on us and that he is just so deep in his depression right now that he cannot see a way out so hes pushing me away to because me less hurt, but its actually hurting me way more to know hes thinking about leaving me. I am sorry for all of the text but I just wanted to get some advice from outsiders. Obviously there is more to it than this but I do not want to write a whole novel hahah. So please if there is anything you can think of then let me know because I really do not want to lose this man:( we are so good for each other and I want to support him through what hes experiencing right now so we can be in each others arms again.Some extra context: my boyfriend is 24 and I am 21. We have been together for over 3 years now and do not often argue/fall out. He has been struggling with (undiagnosed) depression for over a year now. Following this, he recently found out that a family member has been diagnosed with cancer, which he is understandably struggling with. We were also supposed to be moving in together within the next month but I can tell he is struggling from the pressure of finding a place. In the past two weeks, we took a 1 week break of not talking to each other to try and reflect on things. We both found this extremely difficult and are now suffering because of it. Yesterday, he told me he was considering breaking up with me during the break which was a huge shock to, also he has never said anything like this to me before. I just do not want to lose him and wish he could realise that breaking up is really not the right choice. He is not thinking straight right now and I just want to help him but I do not know how.Thanks so much in advance Need advice on helping my ldr partner through depression",Depression +8306,"I have been working from home since the pandemic began and still live with parents.Since then I have hardly left the house or seen friends and feel like both my mental and physical health have been impacted tremendously. I am not very outgoing and do not have a partner so I do not really have any reason other than work or going out with friends to leave the house. But staying in the house all the time makes me feel like I have been missing out on really important life events.I have noticed over the past year it is been getting harder and harder to wake up in the mornings and throughout the day it just feels like a slog. I have become very distant from the work I am doing and do not take it as seriously anymore. It does not really feel like work at this point, just something I happen to do during the day. Everyday's the same and when something goes wrong I feel quite intimidated because I feel like it is invading my private space.I have tried writing and wanted to exploit home working to give me an opportunity to really practice my skills but it is been a disaster and I have not written a single story since the pandemic began. it is my aspiration to be a writer and I feel like I have just flushed it down the toilet. My mood has completely turned me off writing altogether and it just feels pointless at this stage. It sucks too because I get pretty excited about it.In February and March I was having major suicidal thoughts and although they have went away the odd feeling pops back into my head which makes me worry that one of these days I am going to do something to myself. I have tried to make use of mental health resources but I do not really feel like I want to help myself, I check out a website or have a chat with someone and then I drop it again until I have another depressive nosedive. I also contacted a therapist last year but I was not comfortable with phone or video chat therapy due to privacy issues.I badly want to have meaning in life but right now it feels like I live for other people and I am really not enjoying work right now. it is not even the work itself, it is just the thought of doing it. Recently we have been pretty quiet but sitting around doing nothing all day does not help either. there is talk of going back to the office which I think might help if I get back into a routine again but most of my colleagues do not want to go back so I am worried I will be alone, plus it is dependent on if we really need to go into the office (which we really do not as we have shown we can work from home) and Covid cases. there is also certain aspects about office working that I think I will struggle to get used to again, so I feel pretty divided. Covid has completely destroyed my social skills.Sorry if this is a massive rant, I am not exactly sure what to write but I just feel pretty down right now. it is late and I cannot sleep which is when my mind goes on a tangent and attacks itself. I just want to feel like I have some sort of meaning in life and something to hold onto and develop. I was hoping that thing would be my writing but I do not feel like touching it right now because of how unmotivated I feel. I feel like the last year has been an absolutely waste of time and I just feel very replaceable and blank at this point. Feel like life is on hold due to working from home",Depression +8307,that is it! I do not want to say more. I am just tired and I want to share this with people that are able to understand this state of mind. I am tired.,Depression +8308,"Everyday I see people just doing the same thing but not making any changes. I watch obese people walking into fast food joints. People just walking on this treadmill of work, spend money, sleep and repeat. Ever since I left the country in 2016 I have just been feeling like this place does not work for me. I do not want to become a slave to the matrix and live a boring life of paying bills and working some boring job and having to pay rent or a mortgage for the rest of my life. it is just stupid to me. But what I really realized is how depressing the US is to me. Seeing elderly people living on the streets, seeing the government slowly turn the country into what Orwell warned, and seeing people just sitting idly by and letting it all happen. I feel like it is a lost because to even speak yo about it. I saw a Jim Morrison quote about this and it fully resonated. I find myself not connecting to 99% of people here. Everyone is just so self obsessed and dull. I do appreciate how many different interesting people are on Reddit though. At the same time I believe people are more authentic on the internet than they are IRL. Regardless, I see alot of people doing alot of cool things, and feel a better connection with people here than in the physical world. I just want to make music and build my brand in peace, not having to worry about bills or paying rent and it is sheerly frustrating to try and do it here. I think I just have to go to Africa for a few months and be around my people. I realized that living in th US makes me depressed and I do not believe I fit in here",Depression +8309,"Okay, I do not even know how to express my feelings but I will try. I have been lied to in my life by being told if I would work hard and get a good job I would be happy.This cannot be further from the truth. I am deeply upset. Something about me: I am short and an ugly man (nope do not even try to tell me otherwise I once posted on one of those am I ugly subs and I got a max rating of 3 and an average of 1).Okay, so my problem is still that I get made fun of and I am not able to do anything about it and for some reason people think that whenever someone talks about being ugly they are going to talk about dating and women. But I want to talk about more to be honest.Men constantly make fun of me and put their arms on top of my head and whatnot and there is nothing that I could do about it because I am immediately met with ""What are you going to do?"". Hell, society even took my right away for being angry because if I would be called Napoleon, if I will joke back then I would be called arrogant and if I will listen to insults (or jokes as people call it) I would be called a loser. it is a lose-lose-lose situation.I am surprised that men just laugh when I mention my height, they are like ""Oh I just cannot take you seriously"" and god forbid if you get into some sort of management postion people hate taking orders from someone who is short as if I have worked less than them my entire life and as if I do not deserve it. I cannot retaliate or get angry because that would put me on the front page of reddit. So I quietly take insults till I can and after that threshold which is just over, I will not be here anymore.let us talk about dating. Oh and please I am not saying women owe me anything because they do not. On the same note what the fuck is up with the people who go around everywhere saying ""NoBoDy oWeS yOu AnYtHiNg"" well of course they do not but at the same time there is something called being a fucking human. If somebody is hanging off a cliff and you know if you do not help the person will die? What would you do? Well I would go and help that person not because I owe him anything but because that is called being a fucking human. If you are parents love you unconditionally then would you say the same thing as ""Oh gee I do not owe you anything""Now this is one of the cruelest place for being a short man that I have ever seen, I get told everytime some version of ""you are cool and have an awesome personality but I would date you *insert physical characteristics* but it is okay do not worry you will find someone"". Well I have not found anyone and not only that I even asked them after getting rejected ""If you do not mind me asking what do you think I should improve in or is it that there is just something intrinsic about me that is just incompatible between us?"" And you can pretty much guess what I get told.Although I am not going to lie but the way that some women just laugh when I approach them is just cruel and it crushes me from inside like nothing else, I mean all physical pain does not seem like anything to me at that moment. Pro tip: If you want to destroy a man just say 'man up' believe me that guy would be completely and absolutely destroyed.And not only that this is making me bitter and is changing my political views, turns out I am becoming what I hate, I hate people who show no emotion, I hate people who treat other people cruelly for things that they do not control. But now I do not want to care about people or whatever happens across the world because I know when I would need help nobody would be there for me.Not only these things but things like both unattractive men and women are treated differently in courts (I can link the study of you folks want).You know what, I am frustrated at the fact that I cannot let my angry out, I am angry at the fact that I cannot be upset because then I would be insecure.I am tired of pretending I am not upset, I am tired of pretending that I laugh your jokes. I do not. I am tired of seeing people making fun of short guys on internet and pretending I am too cool to get hurt.. I am tired of pretending that I am comfortable in my body because I am not. I did not chose to be this way. I do not want to be treated and respected differently than you attractive people. I am tired of pretending that I do not get crushes after 23 consecutive NosI wish somehow I could show the world and tell them that I am a human too. I feel bad. Everytime you make fun of me I feel stripped of my humanity. And I am especially especially tired of people telling me ""just be yourself"" or ""put some effort in"" and I have been told by those people that I put effort in on putting effort. And those people who say it are always good looking.I am sick, hard work or money did not buy me any happiness. Is it so bad that I want to feel loved and wanted. Shit my own parents made fun of me.I am tired of pretending I am comfortable I am not. I have no zeal none at all to live. Tired of being belittled constantly.",Suicidal +8310,"TW: SHThrowaway for obvious reasons. No matter how hard I work and train, I hate my body and my face. I envy pretty women with perfect hour glass figures and I honestly thought of harming them and even had thoughts of killing them as well. Its super toxic I know but its a way I cope with my hatred towards myself since I am running out of spaces on my body to cut to help with the stress and mind fuckery I am putting myself through. My self worth is defined by my apperance, I could not give a less of a crap what anyone thinks about my ""spirit"" or personality. I care about MY looks only and if I do not like what I see, which I do not. I know I will attempt to end it again soon and hopefully succeed. Thanks for reading if you did! just wanted someone to just read and listen to me. Prob will attempt again LOLS",Suicidal +8311,"Is anyone else like this? If I do not accomplish what I need to before 2pm I am out of luck, because after that all I can do is scroll through Reddit and stew in my misery I always start out my day pretty decent, accomplish a couple things, then get slapped in the face with depression around 2pm and cannot function the rest of the day",Depression +8312,"I am tired of lying to myself that everything is going to be ok when everything is getting even worse, I am trying to stay positive and be a better person but i keep hurting people i love, people who saved me from ending my life and i feel awful. i have tried everything for self improvement and it seems like nothing is happening I am so fucking done cannot stand this anymore",Suicidal +8313,I hate my life it fucking sucks I want to die I hate my life,Suicidal +8314,Hi my mum just died and I found her on the 5th. I am afraid I am going to go back to my old ways. It wa wonky me and my mum really and now I feel like everythings been turnt upside down. I also have to move out of my childhood home of 17 years. I cannot cope. My mum just died,Suicidal +8315,"I recently ended a 5 year relationship with my now ex-girlfriend because she got the ick about me being in therapy for my depression and eating disorder. I feel like I have lost everything. She was my best friend, my only family, my everything. I feel...hollow. Literally like a she will of a person. I have literally never been this depressed in my entire life. I know it will not always be this way, I do. But I am really struggling to accept that concept. it is the worst it is ever been. Logically I know it is going to get better but I just cannot see the light at the end.",Depression +8316,"Hi my names Isaac and I am here to tell my story of depression, anxiety and stress. Currently I am 15 years old and these 3 sins somehow disrupted my body it all started through 1 strawberry edible in May 1st and my mom gave me Xanax for me to calm my self down from the edible and it worked because it knocked me out for the whole day. But the next day my left side of my chest was hurting bad and it scared me because it felt like a heart attack and I had a panic attack so I had to go to the hospital I got their they checked me out and my blood pressure was 180/120 but the doctors told me to calm down and gave me a pill and sent me on my way but the day after that my sides was hurting again and I was scared like I was going to have a heart attack again and then I went to the hospital again for the same reason the doctors did an EKG on my heart and they said everything was normal and my blood pressure was little high again I think it was 140 but then they sent me on my way again but If you guys did not know my parents are currently going thru a divorce too so yeah. But couple weeks later my left side of my chest still hurting but wait I start to get lightheaded more afton now and I had also got tested positive for COVID too now that is crazy shit. I got thru COVID and blah blah these symptoms still happening and there making me depressed because it scares me to think I have to live with these symptoms forever and I do not want to and it scares and makes me get depressed with life and i go to the doctors for this and she prescribed me serpentine and suggests I get counseling but I want to know your guys opinions plz lmk this stuff is eating me Alive Help me find my cure",Depression +8317,Tbh I do not know if anyone related or whatever but most of the time and more and more now my issues feel so overwhelming I am unable to speak or write about it Exhausted pretty much everything,Suicidal +8318,"At the beginning of last year I was employed, married, had great credit, had an apartment, a car, and a computer for entertainment. Events that followed;1. My wife let the insurance lap on our car and I got ticketed after being crashed into.2. This happened right after I came out as trans. 3. Wife could not and would not take me to physical therapy.4. Out of work, because I have to be according to doctor and lawyer. 5. Lawyer tell me I cannot move forward with lawsuit until I get medical bills and tests, which I cannot get to or pay for.6. Wife aborts planned child because I am trans while out at work.7. My job fires me because I cannot come into work because wifes car is totalled and I was a driver8. In moment of distress and grief I try to kill myself.9. I got baker acted in the hospital and not allowed to have phone or connection to outside.10. While I am inside the hospital against my will for a month my wife refused to pay any of my bills, forfeited our apartment, threw away everything that I owned including multi thousand dollar computer and trashed my truck.11. Wife withdrew all money from my bank accounts and police and bank say its legal because she had my pin.So, now I am homeless, Transportationless, moneyless, clotheless and with no credit.It seems like everyone here would tell me that things will get better, I just need to sleep on a couch or at a homeless shelter and put inordinate amounts of effort into building my life back up to less than what I started with, even though I have a shit ton of mental health issues not being treated that make it nearly impossible to keep putting in effort.People will carelessly tell me to go get help at places that I cannot get to reliably, or tell me to do this or that, even though they do not have to do those things themselves.I cannot even reliably get a job because of my credit and lack of Transportation in the USA.I am constantly in a loop of being at my lowest and I need a fucking handout and I cannot even say that without people thinking I am greedy or entitled to money I did not earn, but I am also stuck not being able to earn any money. I do not have internet and I will not even have the phone I am typing this on soon.Does anyone have any recommendations that will actually help me other than just telling me to keep going?I am really getting sick of being at such a low point and truly think of non-existence as being so much better.I have no friends and no family. I am alone. I hate that society is hypocritical and careless about suicide prevention.",Suicidal +8319,"Bitch why the fuck did you just tell me to cheer up? do not fucking act like you know what I go through everyday, to muster up the courage to just EXIST through the day.. I have bottled up my emotions for all my life, you did not do shit when i was getting bullied in school, you yelled at me when that bitch of a teacher was issuing those ALREADY DISPROVED WARNINGS. God damn it, ITS EVEN MORE HORRIBLE WHEN YOU SAY 'I KNOW HOW YOU ACT' BITCH YOU do not KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME. YOU do not KNOW THAT I >!FUCKING CUT MY THIGHS!< GOD I FUCKING HATE THEM ALL YOU ACT LIKE MY BROTHER IS PERFECT AND FAVOR HIM OVER ME? MOTHERFUCKER, JUST BECAUSE he is YOUR BOOT LICKING RIGHT WING EXTREMIST, RACIST, PERFECT BOY THAT GETS ALL THE FUCKING GOOD GRADES. FUCK IT, FUCK IT ALL FUCK FUCK FUCK I CANNOT FUCKING STAND ANYTHING ANYMORE, THIS IS LEGIT THE FIRST PUBLIC FUCKING RANT I have EVER DID, AFTER 14 FUCKING YEARS, OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. YOU do not KNOW ME AT ALL. bahaha motherfucker [Vent]",Depression +8320,"I thought that I was stronger. I am just tired of it. I did what I could my whole life. I feel broken and no matter what I do to fix myslef it just does not work. I came into some bad luck financially when the job I worked at for years let everyone go almost 3 years ago. I was there for years and they fucked me. Victim of credit fraud around the same time. I would include the divorce as a thing, but honestly that was the best part of my life going downhill. I always had depression, but at least I was sad but had the bills paid. Now I am lucky if I can pay the rent on time. I am tired of being exhausted and doubting myslef. I do not feel like anyone really cares about me. THe only one who really does is my daughter. But she does not really know who I am yet. She does not know how pathetic I am. she will see me for who I am one day. And she will resent me. I cannot bare that. I cannot bare to see the look of shame and disappointment from her. Because they all do at some point. Everyone leaves eventually. I do not know what I am doing. I just want to go to sleep. I am just tired",Suicidal +8321,"Hi. So a bit of background.My dad is 54 years old and has been married to my mum for 30 years. When my mum had me (21), she developed postpartum depression which lead to psychotic depression and according to him this has essentially changed her and unfortunately has lead to a somewhat unhappy marriage, although things have recently been stabilised in terms of any arguments. My mum has also suffered abuse as a child and multiple different traumas which has lead to her being very underdeveloped cognitively and intellectually which on top of the depression results in her being unable to properly look after herself. This is why my dad has never divorced, hes never said it outright but I reckon the only reason he stays is because of the sense of obligation.His relationship with me as a child used to be good, but it was always tainted with his anger. He would shout at me for spilling juice or for asking for magazines/toys, or just for nothing if work had been bad. Essentially as I grew up, I became more frustrated with his anger and started shouting back as a teenager does. He took this to mean his anger should not be restricted then. One time when I was 14, I went to the wrong street for him to pick me up (one street over) and as soon as I got in the car, he started driving as bit, hit the brakes then screamed in my face I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU. He would always apologise after but it felt like walking on eggshells always. I have not had anything like that recently with him, but I do not know if that is because hes better or there is more distance between us in our relationship. Overall, I very much get the impression that he feels trapped by my mother and I, that he wishes life could have been different.He has his mum and dad but his anger has caused their relationships to be strained. He has maybe three friends? But he only sees them at work.I have suspect this has caused him to be depressed, bear in mind hes never claimed to be outright depressed. For a while now hes talked about death and he hopes he dies soon. My mother was on holiday with him last year and told me that she found him weeping in the shower and after that he tried to leave the apartment naked (mental breakdown?) but he was fine the next day. I did not say anything because I was scared, terrified of what he would say if confronted about it. The only person I would ask about stuff like this is my dad, but that is not an option. My mother is in no state of mind to handle this so it falls on me.Tonight he said to me that we had to talk about what I should do when he dies, get everything in order. I said to him no let us not, because you are not going to die for a good while, to which he responded with you will be lucky if I am here next week. He then reminded me before going to bed about this talk were to have. I am terrified. I think hes going to do it. I love him so much please help me here. I do not know how to help him. I do not even know if I am overreacting or what. What should I do. I think my Dad might kill himself",Suicidal +8322,"I cannot do it anymore. I am overcome with grief, shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. Everyday for a very long time I have been sinking deeper and deeper into hopelessness and despair to the point where I cannot even control how I behave in public. I am such a fucking piece of shit. I want to die so bad. I cannot stand seeing people woth relatively healthy brains. My whole life has been so fucked up from childhood through adulthood. I am done. DONE. I have become such a sick fuck. I do not even know why I am posting this. I literally cannot go another day. I have been saying that everyday for some time now. Everything I used to love and believe in has died inside of me. I have already spiritually died. I need to physically die now. It just gets worse every fucking day",Suicidal +8323,"I have been on and off of antidepressants since I was 12. Unfortunately, I have shown horrible increases of suicidal thoughts whilst on a majority of them. I have gotten to a point where I want to start the process of going back on them, and I have been recommended to do so; but I am more than nervous that Ill have increased thoughts again. I was last hospitalized in 2019 and I really do not want to get to that point again. My body is falling apart because of my mental health. I have gained a lot of weight, I have not taken care of myself the way I need to even though I am trying. People around me do not understand it and I truly do not either.Why am I supposed to feel hope if my only chance of feeling hope is something that is increased my thoughts of ending my life?I am truly lost Medicine feels like my only hope. that is why I feel hopeless",Depression +8324,"I feel like I have tried everything.I am 22, I have a wonderful 8 month old daughter, I completed my Bachelors degree in 2 years, I work at my dream job in a level one trauma center as a Trauma RN, I own my own home and paid off vehicle. I am fairly healthy, I gained some weight during my pregnancy but before and even the past 2 months I eat pretty well, count macros, workout 4-6 days a week. I have tried so many medications, therapies, psychiatrists, psychologists. They all say I am improving but in reality I just shut down every time I go. I am tired of feeling the same way day in and day out and hearing the same crap. I feel like I do not get anything helpful that actually changes my life. I do not have many close friends or people that I enjoy being around, I feel exhausted after my days of working or having lunch with a friend that may only even last an hour. I have tried the ""fake it 'till you make it"" bull crap, positive mindset, yoga, everything. I feel like my mind is a black cloud that chokes out every happy moment or thought.I kept telling myself when I was in middle and high school that this would be it, when I finally achieved what I wanted to and had my dream life maybe I could get stable ground and not feel like I am running away from my own thoughts 24/7. I am sick of being depressed. It is robbing me of my life. My daughter is 8 months and I cannot help but cry every time I think too much about it, I feel bad because half of the time all I can do it put on a show for her and scroll through my phone or sleep. She is everything to me and I feel like a terrible parent. I cannot take it anymore I do not know what to do. Am I ever going to be happy?",Depression +8325,i went from 30 to 20 on Sunday and its day 3 and i have horrible anxiety and irritability. Does this pass Anyone lower dosage of Prozac and feel horrible?,Depression +8326,"I would not say I have depression, I have my own issues and I know a lot of people are lonely on here and so am I. I have nobody and I would rather talk to people who need it. I do not care what the rules say, Reddit sucks and it is rules fucking suck too and help no one. Anyways I am 17 and I will be available to respond if you want. I do not do toxic positivity either. Willing to talk with people 14-18 if you would like to talk or make a friend",Depression +8327,It literally makes me want to vomit when I think about myself I hate myself,Suicidal +8328,12:00 P.M. I will use my fathers knife on myself because I do not love my life I am Ready for tomorrow 7/28/21,Suicidal +8329,Joey Jordison former drummer of slipknot just died at age 46 and I am in nothing but shock because I did not expect to see this in another 20 years at the very least.... he went out peacefully in his sleep so I am glad for that Joey jordison,Suicidal +8330,I said I wanted to die and my daughter dying with me on facebook. I am a first time mom. I have no help from my kid's dad. They are looking up my Mental health history. I am on a Safety plan in South Carolina. No court case. They are just investigating. Do you think I will get custody of my kid back? My mom is watching my kid now. I got CPS called on me over a suicidal post,Suicidal +8331,there is no chance i will find how to cut myself without killing myself on reddit? I do not want to kill myself but I need to do that. I need to cut myself,Depression +8332,"I do not understand how people can think its okay to make plans with you. Know they have plans with you, says they have to do something before hand then not text you the rest of the day, and say sorry I was busy the next day. Like I am not mad they were busy but we both have phones and you could say hey I am not going to make it. Instead I got to waste an entire day waiting around. Maybe it is only a problem with the friends group I have but it just feels like no one gives a fuck about my valuable time. Rant",Depression +8333,I hate myself so much and I feel so guilty and I know I am just hurting them. I have told my gf this and idk what is happening. So my gf went on a trip and I was ok I did not talk to anyone or nothing and this is the first time any of this has happened someone help. So this girl texts me and originally I wanted to be friends but the last message I sent to her I asked for stuff and I felt so guilt right after that I blocked her. I told my gf and I know that I am just hurting them at this point I am only eating once a day and stopped being my self please someone give some advice or feedback or something. I am probably the worst bf in the world,Depression +8334,"I am can eve walk proerly, witch means the pill r worling Its working",Suicidal +8335,I have a chinchilla and I have my window open so she can get air and breathe. I have a small room and it feels like suffocation without the window open. Today went up to 93F and he shut my fucking window!!! Chinchillas can easily have heat strokes. I hate him. He does anything to upset me. When my chinchilla dies I am going to off myself too. I am only staying alive for her I hate my POS grandfather,Suicidal +8336,"Last year I went through some horrible interpersonal shit on top of the pandemic. This ended up triggering a massive bout of depression. I was suicidal from May 2020 to September, which was a brief respite, and then again from October until May. I was still horribly depressed in June but I did not want to kill myself. I got put on venlafaxine at the end of June and have been titrating up since. My mood has increased a noticeable amount and, while I still feel depressed, I think things are finally looking up. But for some reason it feels as though I do not want that, or as if I should still be so deeply depressed that I want to die. Has anyone else experienced this? what is the deal? I do not understand why I am feeling this way. Why do I feel like I should be more depressed?",Depression +8337,"I do not understand why I am loved. I am toxic, selfish, cruel, lazy and flat-out abusive. And nobody believes me, despite the overwhelming evidence. I am so tired. I despise myself. I try to change but it never works. I am terrified of death but what else is left? If my friends were smarter they would hate me",Suicidal +8338,I wish that I had the resources to move out and finally be happy Absolutely miserable here,Depression +8339,Goddamn Communists Any chinese stock holders here?,Suicidal +8340,"I work construction, I struggle to get up in the morning. I feel overwhelmed about everything and it does not seem worth it. I have a house and more vehicles than I need. I am stuck. I live in America.. land of the free.. I do not see that. Our system is bad, I rage when I think about it and I always shut down when I get upset not to feel it. I feel that nothing will get better, its just a never ending cycle to work to live. Its all we do and I do not see that as freedom. I want to give up and sleep for days and avoid everything but there is never rest. I feel like nothing is worth it",Depression +8341,"How do you even begin to explain your depression? I am hurting and I feel super alone. I have people around me and I am sure they will listen, but to what extent? I have ended up here because I feel like I am imploding and just want someone to hear me and know what I feel. I am a wife and a mother of one. My marriage is happy and my son is amazing, but I cannot get away from my depression and anxiety. I have had a bounty of traumatic experiences growing up, but who has not? I truly try to live for each day and leave the past where it belongs. I am extremely self-aware. I understand my mental illness. I am a very analytical person. I think that because of this, it makes my mental health worse. I want to fix myself, but I do not know how. I have extreme fears of being alone. I am terrified my husband will eventually decide to leave me because I am such a disaster (though he has shown no intention of this at all). Who wants to be married to a crazy person, right? I have never been in a relationship that was not emotionally abusive until I married my husband. Both of my parents were drug addicts and I was raised by my grandparents (who are incredible by the way). My biological mother (who was physically and emotionally abusive) is still a piece of work (putting it nicely). It took years, but my dad recovered and I do love him very much even though he still has some issues I am still uncomfortable with. In spite of that I have become a successful person. I swore Id never ever let my children see a moment of what I did as a child, and I have not, but I am still here feeling like a failure. I feel worthless. My insecurity is disgusting and my fears are eating me alive. I guess it does not help that I have barely any friends and now that I am working from home I am basically left to my own torment, every day. I used to have loads of friends when I lived in another city, but once I became pregnant I decided I needed to be closer to family. I did not move back home, just near. So I moved to a small town where I know no one. After starting my job once I moved. I have begun to have friends again, but none of them I feel close enough to be able to really open up. Honestly they are probably very open to listening, but I am still here terrified of judgment and causing what little friends I do have to go running for the hills. Because who wants to be friends with someone so mentally unstable?I am tired of crying and I want my brain to stop. I just want to fix my mental state. I can fix everything else. I can give the best advice and I have picked so many people up from very low points in their lives, but I cannot fix me. I am so sorry this is so long. Honestly I could write a novel because there are so many sub-categories to what is adding to my mental health crisis, but where do you even start when you have never been heard?I am so tired. I do not even know anymore",Depression +8342,"I just want to type this all out because I truly do not know what else to do right now while I sit here contemplating everything. Basically TLDR; my wife has now given me an ultimatum of being in a poly dynamic or we split up. I love her so much, and she had alone given me so much more meaning in life when I met her and made me such a better person. I do not want to be without her no matter what that means but I want her to be happy too. Earlier this year she had been talking to an online friend about the idea of being with him and wanting to and started talking to me on the side bringing up what if we opened our relationship up and went through a lot of emotional and devastating talks about this and I was horribly depressed for months and even suicidal. Eventually she stopped talking to him at all for other reasons and I went to a psychiatrist because I have always had pretty severe depression but did not want to take medicine for it and had finally broken down and wanted to try it as a last resort type thing, like what if it really did all come down to a chemical imbalance. This surprisingly worked with no downside whatsoever and we talked more and more about the possibilities of being poly and I did a lot more researching and talking to people I knew who were in that lifestyle and agreed to give it a shot and thought that I actually did want it and it would be ok. I had been dating a girl for a little while and we have done sexual stuff and she was kind of dating this guy and they had not done anything serious. I noticed that when I did stuff with the new girl it just did not feel great for no reason whatsoever and I kept brushing it off as me being anxious over this new lifestyle. Yesterday my wife had finally told me that her and the guy she was dating did sexual stuff and at that moment, the one that I had thought about so many times to try to prepare myself for and thought I was for sure ok with, I absolutely broke down and told her that I cannot do this. None of my experiences with others have been good and I still cannot truly fathom how people can live this way. I just want her to love me and everything go back to the way it was before. Today while at work she sent me a wall of text essentially saying that I was the problem and that she is going to continue being poly but in the same breath saying how she loves me more than anything which makes zero sense. But it came down to we either stay poly or we split up so I do not see how she could love me more than anything but still prefer to divorce. Anyways I told her that I guess we are going to divorce then because she basically made the decision already but I truly cannot live on without what I had before. I truly felt like I was in heaven being with her all these years and was ready to tackle anything the future had but now thinking about being without her I am just ready for the end. I would love to do something that was more peaceful and painless like the exit bag method but it is now too time consuming and I want to be done soon. And if you read all this way through then understand that I know this has been all my fault for agreeing and getting involved with it and breaking down after hearing her. I am not blaming anyone else but myself for this, I promise, I just want out and she can live her life happily. Also, also, I know I have posted things in here before and obviously I got through them, majority having to do with the earlier in the year issues that went away and I got on medication, but this is different. Things are actually ending in my life and I cannot deal with it. Anyways, I think this truly is goodbye. I think I am finally going to do it (long story)",Depression +8343,"I just do not feel like doing anything anymore, let it be playing with my animals (three dogs and two cats), going outside, assisting my dad with work, hanging out with friends, or anything, really.I am already a mess. I stay up all night just laying in bed. I stopped doing the things I love, and just stopped caring about everything.People always say the same thing. ""Get a therapist"" or ""it will be better soon."" I know they are lying though. I have been like this for about five years now. Heh, my dad always says that he gets it. However he does not. He does not feel like he is constantly drowning in sorrow.I cannot get a therapist because then I will have to use my parent's money, and then they will find out how I am, and I do not want that. I do not want their pity.&#x200B;Sorry for the rant, and waste of time for those who read this. I feel so useless",Depression +8344,"I have suffered from social anxiety and swings of depression for years (28 y/o). Most of my friends I have kept joined the military long term so I only communicate every once in a while through text or call. I met a girl almost a year ago who had so many common interests it was crazy. Even the mental health problems. We used to work together, but I recently got a new job. We saw eachother almost every day, and talked EVERY single day, without getting into too much detail we were MUCH closer than your average best friend. I have been working on myself for a little over a year, and Id say my mental state for the most part is much better than its been the past few years, and she has been much help with my journey. But at times, I would start arguments with her over minuscule things, that at the time I feel are big. Last week started many little fights that added up. I had the first panic attack I have had in years, and stupid me started drinking (I am not an alcoholic, I just needed something to clear my head) She asked for space, but I kept texting her, I told her I was going to commit suicide because of her ignoring me, and that I was going to go to her house. (I was not going to actually go anywhere as I was inebriated, and I was not intending on physically harming her if that is what it sounds like, I just looked for any outlet of attention). At this point there was no return. I quickly realized the damage I had done, no one should have to deal with the emotional trauma I gave her. Its been almost a week and she wants nothing to do with me. I am not typically a dependent person, but in my entire life I have never met someone so relatable, and I screwed it all up. I have made a few attempts to mend things, but she wants no part. I know the answer is give her space and expect that its over and move on, but I feel terrible. I now have no one, I am alone, but worse, I have hurt her to the point of her being scared of me. My entire family line suffers from depression or bipolar, and I see no light at the end. I screwed up a year long friendship in hours time",Depression +8345,"I have been thinkin on writin here for months.I have been having suicidal thoughts for years, they get stronger at times, n they are back extremely strong right now. Nothing seems to make sense. I know everyone hates me. I know the world would be either a better place without me, or nothing would change. I do not know if I want to keep on going anymore. I hate myself so much, and the thought that I only annoy people makes me want to die even more.I tried joining groups of interests to make myself stay alive. Because I have to. Because others need me. But I do not feel like I fit anywhere. there is always someone better than me. Of course. I am nothing special in the end anyway.I both want to die very much but also am scared of death. I feel so pathetic feeling this way. I do not know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to help as I seem to always get back into this state. No matter how hard I try. I just wish I was better. But i do not know how I could even do that. I also do not know what I am trying to do by writing all of this n posting it here. I just do not know what to do anymore. I feel so lost. I feel so many things at once yet nearly nothing at all. Its all just so confusing and I feel so alone in this. I do not want to bother anyone either. I hope writing this will not turn out bad or anything.I just do not know what to do. Maybe all I really needed was to let it out somewhere? I do not know. I just wish I could end this all.",Suicidal +8346,"it is been two weeks since I have been out of the hospital. I feel fantastic. I was hiding my feelings. I am a transgender man and I was not supported by my parents, but they finally educated themselves. And they respect me. I stood at the edge and I ran towards it, but I stopped. I thought, ""that is a steep drop. What if I fall? What if I fall and it lasts too long and I scream and what about the anticipation of waiting to die and *what if I do not actually ascend?*"" I sat down and called the cops. I spent 6 days in the hospital in the psych ward and I have been more open to myself about my feelings. I also realize that for me, suicide will not work because I will have to do all of this over again and that does not sound fun. They put me back on antidepressants, and ones that work real well. I feel fantastic. They worked like a charm. Sure I still have to deal with the crippling loneliness that my peers put me through but at least it is all tolorable again. :) Life is precious and I feel great",Suicidal +8347,"it does not seem like there is a point to being happy or living at all when things just go back to the sad and lonely defaultno emotions or feelings at all seems a lot better than even feeling happy, because i know the happiness will end. its fleetingits comforting knowing that death means i do not need to feel any more emotions or feelings. and that absence of feeling will always be there once i finally do it why is life just a cycle of fleeting happiness, then crying and loneliness",Suicidal +8348,"I do not know what to do with my life anymore. I feel worthless to (almost) everyone I talk to (including myself). I just do not know what to do. I have tried many things to find some joy but most of the time it gets ruined somehow. I think I got too good at putting on a smile. I try to get joy out of so much different things. Just look at my profile and history. I try to distract myself from my life and like that I am now very easy to distract. My family mocks me all the time at how much time I spend on my PC. But all I am doing is distracting myself from my real life where I do not know what to do with myself. When I lay in bed (or do not have anything to distract me) I think almost immediately of suicide or harming myself. My family has not noticed or just do not care about my feelings, because I should be thankful to the good life they give me. I have a little brother and he gets out of everything somehow (it is literally the cliche of having a little brother who gets all the attention). (He is 2 years younger than me). I do not like my sibling (hate him more than anything). I try to be a good son but I just cannot unter such conditions ( my brother annoys me almost every minute of the day and after some time just dealing with it I got violent. Now after some years of back and forth he is not going to stop and I do not think I cannot handle my anger). I have some anger issues because of him and my parents hear my side of the story but do not care. I have not injured him more than blue marks (he never bled because of my violence) but I have considered injuring him seriously just out of rage (but I luckily could prevent this till now) I do not know what to do anymore. I am afraid of myself. I cannot handle all this stress anymore. I cannot think clear without crying or raging. Is something seriously wrong with me? Hi please help me (M 15)",Depression +8349,"I know it hurts so why do I want to do it over and over again. And more importantly, how the FUCK do I stop this feeling.. please help. I could not find he correct sub I am sorry. Could someone please tell me why, every single night, I want to cut myself again?",Suicidal +8350,I am just done. I have accepted that I do not exist. I do not care if other people care about me. I am just miserable. And I do not want to put in the effort to make change. I am too tired. I am tired of everything. I just want to sleep. there is no reason to go on when you do not even want to,Depression +8351,I fucking hate all of you. daily reminder:,Suicidal +8352,"I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now. i do not think its gotten better. do not have many friends, and i cannot talk to others about this for more than 10 minutes. what am i going to do? what options do i have?",Depression +8353,"Hello, thank you for reading this, first of all.I wonder if anyone here is feeling or has felt the way I do and has found a way to resolve it.Anyway, long story short, I was always an underdog in primary school, high school, everywhere I went I was the punching bag, I also had bad grades. I was terribly depressed and suicidal all childhoold, which is not the issue here but I feel like it is related to this post. I am an elementary school teacher now, I am also just graduating from university, I think I am not doing so badly. However, since my GF left me I feel like I am going downhill again. I am obsessed with improving myself, studying, just overall bettering myself at anything. I feel like I am just not good enough for anyone. Ever since she left me, it is getting worse. it is like there is this voice in my head that says I am stupid and useless and there is no way to turn it off. It has been getting worse lately. I just do not know what to do. My mind has this idea that during the last year I was procrastinating too much and was not studying enough and is making me feel really terrible. Honestly, I do not know. My mind is blurred. I feel like I am going insane. &#x200B;I have never been to a psychologist, nor will I ever go. I just want the voice to stop. Any tips? Lol. I feel insane just posting this. How to forgive myself for feeling not good enough?",Depression +8354,"Its the only cope i have left. Its the only thought that is stopping me from going mentally insane. My only thought these days is: I kill my myself soon, so it doenst really matter anyways",Depression +8355,Slept Woke up cleanDidn't feel like doing shitWent back to sleep repeat since my first day off. I feel so sad. I slept all day for 6 days straight on my week off work and I am still exhausted,Suicidal +8356,"Am feeling really weird, and a strange feeling.Nothing works out for me, am very miserable idiot with no one in his life to talk to; I should just get it over with. Is it a suicide call?",Suicidal +8357,"Just venting. Grew up without father. Mother was insane. She finaly died when I was in my 20s. I have nothing. I am close to 35 years old. Nothing to show for it. do not have a drivers lisense, no girlfriend. Nothing.I do not feel emotions anymore. Only way I can feel emotion is to drink heavily and when I do, only anger shows.. at least that is something.I have started hitting myself hard in the head/face in conjunction with being drunk. This gives me a sort of calm feeling I like. Currently I am red in my face from hitting myself and it feels so good. Rant over I have started hitting myself. 30 years of pain and I need relief.",Depression +8358,"i cannot do this anymore, it never changes and i have no reason to keep goingi have the right pills that will actually kill me and my arm is already bleeding pretty bad it will finally end i do not think ill be alive tomorrow",Suicidal +8359,"Seriously, overdosing is not that bad. I have tried once and if I did not get ""saved"" I could be free...&#x200B;I do not remember the last time my dreams and wishes did not involve suicide. I do not want anything from life, only death. I could get a perfect life tomorrow and I would not care, I just want death&#x200B;I wish I could sign some sort of agreement that would prohibit people from taking me to the hospital after a suicide attempt. I would not have to worry about anything, I would just take the pain and wait for the end&#x200B;I cannot help but resent anyone who tries to ""save"" me from suicide. it is selfish to want someone to continue suffering just because you wish so My ""life"" would be so much easier if I did not have to worry about being rescured from suicide attempt",Suicidal +8360,"Male in my mid going on later 30s. As context i spent my 20s dating and then pining after the one that got away who was my only girlfriend thus far. Then i let myself go and got really obese and just did not think about relationships for a while. I have tried improving myself, I make a six figure income, i travel the world, i dropped the weight so I am no longer obese. Paid for microneedling to remove acne scars.. and nothing despite trying every dating app. I even went on sites like SA to see if i could pay for companionship and still nothing. I share my picture and get ghosted. Its quite the hit to ones psyche. And I have been putting myself out there for over a year at this point. I have definitely had thoughts of just giving up and resigning myself to being alone for the rest of my life but that has cascaded into some fairly dark ""what is the point of it all"" notions in my head that id rather not contemplate again. So i get myself up and try again each day knowing its probably going to go on like the last :/ I am sure this is fairly common to some extent, but I have been getting reallg low more frequently because i think I am goibg to die alone with no kids",Depression +8361,"I am so alone and this life just is not worth living I will always be chasing things I cannot have I cannot have all these wonderful things that I was promised and I cannot be a girl and I cannot have friends and I cannot have a partner who does not use me and dump me when I am not needed anymore and I just want to fucking die. I am worthless and I am a failure and I just do not deserve the gift of life I have been given. I want to walk into an open road and have a truck mangle my body and for me to not exist anymore. I do not want to live. Dying is scary but it is better than whatever I have going on here. I have no other options. I will never live the way I want to live, I cannot breathe so why keep trying. Goodbye. I am so alone",Suicidal +8362,Max 5 months left to live.cannot see me past that and the thought of staying alive makes my heart rate skyrocket and my head turn It has to be this year,Suicidal +8363,"Does anyone else feel like you are never going to be happy? I have been depressed most of my life, over the last year and half I have been on an antidepressant. Its helped my anxiety but I am not necessarily happy, just numb. Is this as good as it gets? I was talking to my doctor earlier trying to explain to him that I do not feel good and I have not for a long time and maybe we should switch antidepressants because I do not think this one is helping (and causing weight gain, fatigue, exhaustion, etc) and he was just like nope you are fine and completely ignored my concerns. Does it ever get better or am I just destined to be miserable for the rest of my life Worried I am never going to be happy",Depression +8364,"I cannot be comfortable anywhere anymore. At my shitty customer service job all that ever happens is that I get is yelled at. At my rented house my shitty roommate bullies me because hes a fucking douche. At my dads house all he does is yell at me because he cannot control his anger over his money issues but has the audacity to dismiss my mental health issues. Everyone I go I have pain and there is no escape.No one will ever love me. No one will ever care about me. I have no talents. I am a failure. I deserve this pain. I want to die so bad, I am just a too much of a coward to do anything. I do not have anywhere to go",Suicidal +8365,"All I want is to fall in love and have a happy life with someone. I do not want items or wealth really. A stable living, sure, but no extravagance needed. Literally all I want is for someone to love me how I want to be loved. I have been in four major relationships and they have all been SO amazing. No drug on the earth has felt so good. But I have ruined every one of them. Its like I cannot even control myself. The narcissism runs so deep I do not know what I have even done or said until I sleep and when I wake up I feel like an absolute pos. And eventually the apologies run thin and finally they leave. I do not want to be this way. But I always have been. I hate myself so much. I am 30 now and felt like this last woman was the one. she is now gone too. I am in such a deep hole. I just cry randomly throughout the day. I cannot be alone but no one wants to be with me after a year of dating usually. I think I am hopeless and really want to just blow my head off. I really want to die but I am too addicted to the highs to let go",Depression +8366,"I do not want to have a job. I do not want to shower. I do not want to clean my room. I do not want to exercise. I do not want to do almost everything. Why? Because I am not masochist, that is why.I also do not have anhedonia. Everything is boring because it is. Do you mean I could just play the same game for eternity without getting bored? Get real.I do not like life, I do not have any hobbies and I have my reasons. People should stop telling me I am depressed and that I should see a therapist. do not guilt-trip me. there is nothing wrong with me. Accept different opinions. I do not have depression.",Depression +8367,"I am 19. have something like social anxiety. I am at university, I will not be able to finish it. I do not know how to say that to my parents. I do not know what to do after. I do not know how to find job. I do not know where I can work. I do not know how my parents will react when they learn that I cannot finish university. I scare because I do not know what will happen.I distract mysefl from this thoughts for 2 years. I just waste my life with games. I was thinking about killing myself but recently I started to scare. I do not want to live. I do not have anything that will make me not to kill myself other than scaring. I am scared to die. I do not know how long I will be able to not to lose my sanity. I will going to go to a psychiatrist in 2 week. I did not see my doctor for 6 months so I did write this here. I do not know how to live",Suicidal +8368,"Like, wtf is wrong with me yo. Literally never enough..",Depression +8369,I have been hearing this for as long as i can remember and have not seen any improvement. the goal posts keep moving. why do people give fake hope? why does everyone say it gets better?,Depression +8370,"Been suicidal for 5 years or so. Last couple it has been daily feelings of uselessness, misbelonging, inadequacy, and utter self hatred. Last leg...",Suicidal +8371,Oh fuck it!! I TOOK 4 FUKING ALPRAZOLAN PILLS THAT SHOULD GIVE ME AN OVERDOSE BUT HERE I !!!! FUCK THIS BITCH!!! I cannot EVEN DIE PROPERLY!!! LIFE SUCKS,Suicidal +8372,Not ever going to enjoy life. The whole world is a mess. I have not harmed myself since 2018 but I feel tempted again.,Suicidal +8373,"Like the title implies. it is been quite a few weeks since I last self-harmed, to the point where most scars have faded, as my family has not said anything when I wear tank tops or dresses. That or they just do not give a shit. did not do it to 'feel something' or 'let my emotions out - I am not good at reading my own emotions, but I am pretty sure it was just to punisg myself when I slacked on schoolwork. Well I am out of Sixth Form now, waiting to see if I have gotten into uni, generally doing OK with the help of meds, then suddenly one tiny bad thing and BOOM. I want to take some scissors to myself. I acted like a shitty friend, said I was ill when I just was not up for voice-chatting, and now I just want to punish myself again. And to be honest? I do not see why I should not. I did something wrong, they are too nice to call me out on it, so I should carry out punishment myself. With the area I have chosen, there is little to no chance of any risk, and I do not really mind scars, so why the hell not? I deserve it! OBV I do not CONDONE THIS FOR OTHER PEOPLE, BUT FOR ME IT MAKES SENSEMainly posting here to vent, partially posting to figure out if this is logical or if I have stumbled into a delusional mental break again. Why should not I [tw self-harm mention]",Depression +8374,"This week was so good and a minor inconvenience has ruined everything. I am so tired I am tired of it all its just a long draining cycle of feeling happy and warm for a split moment then so cold and alone the next. I just want to die and be at peace I am so tired of it all. I do not want words of advice because words can only do so much they cannot fix anything, i just wanted to open up to some strangers that i hope understand even if its just a little bit crazy depressive episodes",Suicidal +8375,"it is what the title says, I guess. I have read the community rules and I hope/think this fits here. If not, I am sorry and please just delete it. Anyway, here is my deal: I have always had low self-esteem and a pessimistic worldview. In the last few years, I;ve been working on getting better; I managed to land my dream job, have some good friends, a supportive family etc.Then the pandemic hit and I had to move in with my parents who live in a small town, far from my friends and I am now about to lose that dream job I had, since it was a. freelance writing gig with an expiration date. My contract is only valid till October, then I am SOL and have NO IDEA what I am going to next. Anyway, this is just to give a little context about where my life's at rn, but the thing is that I have been able to deal with everything so far, but for the last idk how many days, I have not. I have been having trouble sleeping and I have to absolutely force myself to do anything (sometimes I am able to, sometimes I am not), most of the time I lay in bed and watch stuff until around 2am, then I go to sleep and start all over again. I have also been crying a lot out of nowhere and have this sense of dread and hopelessness all the time. I do not want to do anything, I do not feel like talking to anyone and I just wish I could just not exist anymore. IDK I guess I am just wondering if that is just regular sadness about my life being in a bad place right now or if I might benefit from getting professional help and asking for support. Thanks! I need help understanding if what I have been struggling with is actually depression",Depression +8376,"For some context, I am half Indian(from India) half White born in the United States and raised as an orphan in the southern United States. Both of my parents died when I was young and I was raised in an orphanage. I am 29 and currently working.For as long as I remember, I have faced extreme racism. It really began after 9/11 when people assumed me to be middle eastern and I was attacked by a mob near my home. Since then, it has not stopped. No matter where I go, even today, I am racially abused, and everyone assumes I am a rapist or criminal because of my race.For over 20 years, I have been trying to pick myself up and brush aside everything, and for 20 years it has continued and gotten worse.It is not just in my everyday life either, whenever I go online, there is no good news about India, and the racial insults are even worse.No matter what I say or do, I am only Indian and nothing else, and my life is shit because of it.Why am I treated this way for something I cannot control? I have spent years improving myself and it has not stopped. I have had it, I am done running and I am close to ending my own life. There is no point living in a world where I am hated. Was it a sin for me to be born this way?",Suicidal +8377,"I am literally a she will of how I used to look. And I am only 22. Deep down, hoping I can turn this around, but it is looking bleak I do not think we talk enough about how much depression ruins your looks...",Depression +8378,"Middle school fucked me up really badly mentally. Last year I took an antidepressant and when I came off it in December (8 months ago), my sex drive went to nothing. I have only had sex with one person in my life and never really got to experience hook up culture. I have missed out on so much since I have had such low self esteem since I was 13. Now it feels like I might have a chance to recover from that after so long but now it feels like there is this other issue that just ruins everything. I feel so shitty man. I feel like my life is just a wash. I try to be positive but living without a normal sexlife is something I cannot do. I am not meant to be a monk. It feels like I just got hit with some really bad luck in life and I just need to call it at this point. Feel like I missed out on the best parts of life and now I am 26 and my sex drive is fucked I will never get to experience that I should just end it",Suicidal +8379,"I feel trapped. I keep writing and deleting. I do not want to hear what I am thinking. All in my head is negatife thoughts for so long. I tried to change it so much. I do not want to go to psychologist because when I was going through OCD i did, and my family threated me in the worst way possible. I wish I could get antidepressants, Even though I do not know if its the answer Mixed emotions",Depression +8380,"Hello people,I hope everyone who is struggling right now can hold on, even if it means taking it 5 minutes at a time. I will try to keep this short and sweet (bittersweet? is that more appropriate in this context?). I just turned 40 in February. Everyone who I have discussed age with assures me ""age is just a number"". But this year feels a little different. I am not suicidal, or in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. I have struggled with depression and some anxiety since I was 18 or so. At times (mainly in my 20's) I was hospitalized, afraid to live, but just as afraid to die. I did recover somewhat, and was able to hold down a job for a few years.These days, I just feel this feeling growing that things will only get harder- that I am 40, and that any chance to make something of myself is behind me. Thank you for reading this. If anyone would like to chime in and share how they feel, I would appreciate it. In Limbo",Depression +8381,"Plain and simple. Recently single after an 11 year relationship. Its my own fault. I loved her more than life itself. My parents live across the country, so her family was my family. And now without her, I have no one. We bought a house together last year and it was like we were living our literal dream together. Just the two of us and our dog. Our little family. Its everything I had ever imagined having and wanting. I am crushed. I am broken. I have never wanted anything less than losing her. She was home. She was my everything. We were visiting my parents when it all happened. Her dad came and picked her up from Florida and they flew home together today. Her family was packing up all of her stuff from our house yesterday. When I get home tomorrow, I will have nothing. Sure, the house will be there. A little bit of the furniture. But nothing meaningful. she will be gone. The dog will be gone. If they forgot to pack her cousins handgun that is in the closet, I might just use that and get it over with. If not, I might buy some sleeping pills and do it more peacefully. I do not really know yet. I do not have anything to live for.",Suicidal +8382,welp I do not know what to do noweverything in my life has gone to shitand now I am all alone and i hate it sudden huge wave of depression coming through... and I am alone. Again.,Suicidal +8383,"People suck. it is really hard for me to give a fuck when this is the world I have to go out into. Story on news, 3 people in my town killed a kitten for fun. So over this world.",Depression +8384,"I am just so sick and tired of everything. nothing helps anymore. i do not even know why jm making a post here honestly becuase it is not going to chnage anything. I am a horrible pos. my partner has left me. my mother does nothing but yell at me. she talks to me as if she hates me and wants me gone. i genuinely cannot find anything else to live for. I am doing terribly in school, the rest of my life is just going to keep on being a painful fucking struggle. if this is all my life is then i do not want to live it anymore so tired",Suicidal +8385,"I am so proud of myself. I finally got my butt back into therapy after struggling for the past three years and was diagnosed with severe depression (no surprise I just think I did not want to hear it). I am finally being consistent with getting help since this therapist is a great match for me. they are smart, quick witted, and good at calling me out on my bs and getting me to reflect on my own thought patterns. While I still do not feel better I feel more hopeful and I am grateful. I have started to enjoy life again. I have taken it upon myself to finally start making healthy changes in my life to recreate a headspace that invites more positive thoughts. Some things I have done the past few months to force myself out of the comfort of my sadness: - I have started journaling again. Every morning I try and write down one thing I am grateful for in my life. My therapist also recommended I journal every time my mood plummets so I can get it off my mind and on to paper. - I quit vaping. Vaping was a terrible crutch I used to aid my anxiety, it was not an easy quite but its been a couple months now and it feels good to be free. - I started reading again. I replaced my phone time at night with books so I can get away from social media. I am extra proud of this because its been years since I have read for pleasure and I forgot how much I loved it. I just finished my first book since starting again and I hope this is something that I can keep up. - I started learning how to reach out to friends and family when I am having a bad day. Swallowing my pride was hard. I believed I always had to be 100% happy all the time so no one would ever worry about me or think less of me. I am grateful for the support system I have. To everyone who is still struggling I hope you are able to get the support you need. Depression is nasty but I hope you find someone or something to help you bear the weight. I am proud of you for living. I wanted to share my small wins & progress :)",Depression +8386,"The urge to kill me has increased a lot today, it is unbearable to live. The food tastes weird, it is like I do not feel the taste of it, I have to put ketchup in every meal to become more edible. Talking with other human beings too hard, I am not shy, but I find it very tiring to talk and interact with others. Today, right at the moment when I write this, I no longer want anything, I no longer have dreams or desires, nothing else causes any kind of emotion in me, I just feel the pain and the empty. I really want to die, not to get rid of my problems but to be able to rest. I want to be able to rest",Suicidal +8387,"Hopefully I do not wake up tomorrow Yup, I want to end it all",Depression +8388,"I am tired. So f*cking tired. You can swamp yourself with all the work you can, distract yourself as much as you want. But you crash eventually. Especially during the few minutes of idle time at night, or before you sleep, or when you grab a couple of drinks, it all comes crashing down again. And you realize you do not really want to wake up at all again. Too much pain So tired",Suicidal +8389,"All this time I knew something was wrong but I never really knew what. I thought I hated my body, I thought that I was sad because the boy I liked did not like me, I thought I was sad because my parents never understood me. But those were all the things I would tell other people when they asked if I was okay, although I never really cared about any of that. The truth is I do not really feel anything. I try to pretend I care about things to seem normal to other people and I pretended for so long that I ended up believing my own lies. I was so out of touch with my feelings I had no idea I was actually depressed, I thought I was living life the way it is supposed to be lived but it never felt right. I have never taken my future seriously, in fact I have never taken anything in my life seriously. I got arrested for shoplifting, and while my friend cried I started laughing, because I really could not care. I do not care about my studies, I only have good grades because I am asked to. I do not even feel happy or proud when I get a good grade. I do not have any real life project or expectations for my future. I have been living all this time letting other people decide for me because I do not really want anything. Nothing motivates me. When I was a child I liked to draw, to read, to write. None of those things motivate me anymore. I thought I was happy because I partied, I drank, O smoked weed and hung out with my friends. I thought I was happy because those things made me feel alive. When I am alone I just pretend I am living a different life, but I never thought that was fucked up because I thought it was normal. I want to know if people that are not depressed experience life differently. Do they seriously care about things? Everytime something bad happens to me, it is almost like it happens to someone else. I feel emotions as if I was deep inside of the ocean and there were muffled sound coming form the outer world. it is almost like I drown my own emotions. If someone insults me, if someone hurts me, if someone rejects me I never really cry about it or feel sad or anything at all. it is like I have become numb.Nothing makes sense. Nothing here makes sense. it is like I do not know how to be alive. I thought it was completely normal to go to sleep late, to eat too much or too little, to feel tired all the time, to never be able to concentrate. But now some stupid online test tell me that those are symptoms of depression. I thought everybody was just pretending like I did. This is such a different type of depression. I have experienced hate for myself, I have experienced anxiety and hate for my body. I thought THAT was depression, and the nothingness and the pretending were all just part of my personality, just the way I was born. I do not know how to be different, I do not know my feelings or myself. I do not really know or want or feel anything. it is the strangest feeling, and I know it is been there all the time but I never recognized until now. I think I have been depressed for years but I did not know",Depression +8390,"I know it is so hard, to feel totally alone in the world, isolated at a disconnect. Remember that we all struggle alone, we all need people, we need people to make us feel alive, make us feel known, they become our safe place, where we run away too, who is arms we curl up and hide in. it is ok not to be ok alone. it is ok to desperately want and long for people, comfort, mutuality, touch, connection, emotion.Your not weak for that, you have not failed. it is not a societal expectations for, a neccecity, it is your want, you desire that, and you are deserved of it.I know practically it is like what do you do? But first and foremost remember in mind that your ok for wanting that, needing that. it is not an impossible ask, it is just very difficult for you right now.Friendship is a part of life, a thing that happens as you live, more people, more opportunities will come along line as you live. You have not missed your moment, this was not your one shot from which ever after you will be alone. You have the whole off your life to work on this.Just keep trying, keep working at it, learning and growing, trying to work the problems your facing, understanding what it takes for you to have the friendships that you want. Think of it as less a task, with a set end, an objective. it is exploration. People are, each and every one, ends in them selves.it is hard where your at right now, I know because I am facing something similar, I have been alone some many years now, lest some occasional offchance. But do not be hopeless.I think you can be ok. Read if you are completely alone",Depression +8391,do not even know how to kill myself correctly I do not even have any supplies cuz went to psych ward and got knifes and rope and pills taken away by my parents like Jesus just let me off this never ending ride of life I think I am going to kill myself august 27th,Suicidal +8392,"I think I am done. I am always angry, I grew up living with an abusive father and right now, things are constantly worst. I told my family that I am not feeling okay / has thoughts of wanting to die a year ago and did not get any support. I am still a student so I have no money on my own to seek professional help. Still locked up in the house due to pandemic + bad government in my country. Everyday is hell. My anger sometimes is poured to my pets. I hurt them and I think soon enough I will hurt people or maybe kill them. So yeah, instead of doing another bad action which harms my pets, I will just kill me. I want to be at peace already I am potentially dangerous. I think someday I will become a serial killer or anything bad. Might just kill myself before harming others",Suicidal +8393,"I am for sure adding clonidine next month after i fully get up to 100mg on lamictal, but I am considering adding wellbutrin also. When i use things that are dopaminergic my mood goes right up to happy land, but i feel like i already have too much norepinepherine causing intense anxiety so I am hoping the clonidine would keep that in check Have any of you all used Lamictal with Wellbutrin? (And possibly clonidine)",Depression +8394,Idk even know why the fuck I am typing this I sound so stupid but basically she is cold and sighs a lot in session and says nothing the other part of the session she said I should educate myself on depression even though I have and basically I feel like she wants me to off myself I just have a gut feeling I guess I feel hopeless like no one and no meds can help me I have been on 4 diff Antidepressant and just none of them seem to work they work for the first week then I get suicidal again then I go from therapist to therapist because half of them in my area do not know what the fuck there doing and most of them are fresh out of college I just feel awful I might kms on August 27th idk I sound stupid and dumb fuck my life I am so pathetic I am literally crying in my car writing this fuck me bro I think my therapist wants me to off myself,Suicidal +8395,"I have dropped out of college but I am reapplying for a different major and I feel stuck. I do not know what to study or what career to pursue. My childhood dream was to be an actor but I can stick this idea right up my ass because its oversaturated anyway and who am I to make it.they definitely have better options bc who wants a depressed ugly fuck anyway.I have to move out very soon but I do not know where I should go. The idea of living in a shared apartment makes me sick but living alone would be too lonely. I do not see a future for me,not now not ever.I am having multiple breakdowns a day,I am crying,yelling,suicide is constantly on my mind but I am always trying to calm myself down which only lasts for around 15 minutes and then it all starts all over again.i cannot live life normally at this point and I wish I was a different person,different circumstances,different family.Life probably are not for me and its okay. Death cannot be worse than this. I have reached a new low",Depression +8396,because I am a fucking doormat apparently. You can find me at your nearest front door;,Suicidal +8397,"Hey,sooooo I am about to do it so I am here to say thanks to everybody that helped me. I love you guys, thanks for beeing there for me!!Goodbye Bye guys",Suicidal +8398,"I started planning again recently. I am at my limit these days. But as I am talking about it to my boyfriend, he is bursting into tears easily and seeing his face in such state & hearing his cried voice breaks my heart. He are not guilt trip me or stuff, he understands my pain.it is just my feeling - I do not want to do it to him. Just realized this is the ONLY reason i need to reconsider suicide. I do not care about afterlife, about family sadness, about other painful stuff, ending in ED and then psych ward, but only about my boyfriend.But it is still fucking hard to keep living this hellish torture only because i do not want to make him cry.Think many can relate. Thanks for reading. I do not want to kill myself because he will cry",Suicidal +8399,"Over the last year I attempted to switch jobs and was let go from my new position due to my ex gf making a false statement about me online. I moved away with my girlfriend, cannot find work and cannot afford to pay my debt. I have sold everything I own to make ends meet. I have handed out 1000s of resumes, and I have a lot of experience and certificates in trades and engineering but I think what my ex said about me previously is preventing me from screening. We recently relocated and my girlfriend found employment. My car mirror was vandalized and my insurer will not be covering the repair it seems, so I cannot drive to work. I have dealt with depression, anxiety and suicide before, but never this bad. I had to pay a bailiff to not repossess a car I cannot even drive. I am selling things I love like my cameras and guitars. I have truly lost everything and now I am fearful of losing my partner. I love her so much and its so hard for me to even think about but I am not sure what to do. I have income assistance but even that and her job is not enough to cover costs.I never thought Id be this low. I am not sure what the universe is trying to tell me. I am clean and sober, I do not smoke, I treat every person I meet with respect and I am always there to help. I hate seeing my girlfriend cry and I am not sure what else I can do at this point. As a human and a young man I feel defeated. I cannot handle anymore staffing companies or interviews that lead nowhere, pay next to nothing or have 250 applicants. It seems like I cannot get a break. My last option is to move home to my mothers but there is other factors that make that less than desirable for my partner. I really do not know what there is left to do. I went from having. A house, cars, everything... the last thing I am scared to lose is her. I love her so much. I think I am done for",Depression +8400,"If you want to reply with anything diffetent like there is no reasons to live i do not want you o reply. Reasons to live is the only thing i want to see in replies, got it ? Can someone give me reasons to live",Suicidal +8401,I often ponder what its like on the side; it must be so peaceful and serene with no one to bother you or insult you. I feel as though my life is just sick and miserable joke. what is it like on the other side?,Suicidal +8402,"No good vibes here. I am not actually angry with you, I just do not know how to express this empty, only existing feeling to you mom. I am doing shitty.",Depression +8403,"idk if hanging myself would even work, i might just break the shower or the door frame idk if taking these pills would work, it might be enough to make me sick but not die. I am trying to die not end up brain damaged. Shits difficult being fat makes it that much harder to kill yourself",Suicidal +8404,"Just thinking about the word ""worth"", the worth I have for myself, for others and for this society and system.I am completly worthless in all of these listed things. Why am I so worthless?",Suicidal +8405,"I have worked for everybody so much to the point where id rather stick 10 razer blades up my ass, but all i hear from my family is HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING! and I am so sick of it. i should just stop caring if what i do for everybody is just nonexistent to them. i have worked to the point where i have had 12 suicide attempts, 5 of which were in a single week. and I am going to keep trying. my effort is never truly appreciated",Suicidal +8406,"do not know what to call it, but a person I go talk to and they give me advice and help me understand myself and my feelings better.I do not want to go. I am the one who wanted help but it causes me so much pressure. I feel like my problems are not enough big and that there are a lot of people who need the help over me. I do not take the advice she gives me and going there I just wait for it to be over. It makes me feel sad when she makes me think about my emotions. I am too tired to go (not because lack of sleeping, I have just had this weird issue of being too tired emotionally and not really able to do shit because of that, do not know why) and it is starting to feel useless to go because I keep most of the things inside of me and overthink. It would be so much easier to just stay at home and act happy. No one understands anyways. I cannot find a way to tell her I do not want to go anymore and at this point I feel like help is useless. It will not help anyways and I am not going to have any dreams for the future because I do not want to stay. I just want to have my last night of sleep, last meal and last gaming session. And then end it all. That would be a thousand times easier and end the pain. I do not really mind dying because I have no dreams and I am just living my boring NPC life. It does not even feel sad to leave everything, except friends and family. But I am sure that is not going to stop me if I really choose to end it all. I do not want to go to 'therapy' anymore",Suicidal +8407,"I am 14, 55kg, and 5'4"". Is 600mg of prozac enough to kill me? Please I need this nightmare to end, I cannot kill myself any other way, I do not care if it is painful I want to die 600mg of Prozac enough to kill?",Suicidal +8408,"I am exhausted in life, I have no drive or motivation to do anything anymore. I have been like this for a long time. I live in a country that is falling apart, my family is falling apart and my mental health is falling apart. there is been times where I have been so low that I go to bed hoping I never wake up and die in my sleep. It would be better that way I cannot do this anymore. I do not have any friends or girlfriend so I will not be missed and it will not matter. I want to kms.",Suicidal +8409,"I do not know why I wake up in the morning. I find it hard coz I got nothing to look forward to.The melancholia drowns me when I realize how alone I am, choking depression grips me.&#x200B;do not have a dad, mom's got her own battles. How the fuck could I have turned out normal?Sensory overload is too much sometimes so I numb myself with drugs and alcohol. What else was an empathetic, overly sensitive kid supposed to turn to for support when the humans would give no love?&#x200B;I suppose I should count the blessings I have had as well, as few as they may be.My grandparents being there for me kept me going (although its not like I did not try the easy way out when they were around).&#x200B;Now I got no one, nothing.Mom's still fighting her battles, I try to help but I cannot save her from herself. Rest of the relatives, cousins and uncles and aunts, sometimes they were a blessing, often they were not. Love life - How can I love life when I have not had a love life since a long long time. But I guess that was my fault for loving someone 8000 miles away. Now I do not feel like trying, it feels like a waste of time. ""Am I loveless? Or do I just love less? Since love left, I have nothing left to feel"" \- Home by Passenger As for friends, the good ones are gone, the rest are busy with their own lives. Loyalty does not mean anything anymore, everyone is ready to turn on a dime. I had hoped that the bridges I had to burn would light the way, but the path seems to be getting darker the more I look at it.&#x200B; I can write a million words and fill a hundred books with the thoughts that run through my mind, but in no coherent order. But then I wonder who the fuck wants to listen to a loser's tale. I feel like a loser because in spite of the gift of brilliance that was bestowed upon me, I have accomplished nothing of significance. It frustrates me to look in the mirror and see such a mighty being reduced to a pitiful product of the environment. A lot of people find solace in chasing money, and I know its important because I have never had any. But more important is a purpose in life, that is what gives it meaning.&#x200B;I live another day to persevere and find my way.But if I do not find it the reset button is just a dive away. Cornucopia of Jumbled Thoughts (Should I go on?)",Depression +8410,"My college annouced the last date to register for next semester and it is 16th August and I do not want to be burden physically and financially on my family anymore. I am not fully prepared that how I am going to do this but I just want to end this. I cannot take anymore, everyday I feel ashamed of myself more and more. I do not deserve to live this life, many people are there who are not provided with everything I got and they are still giving their best and working their ass off. I just want to end it without much pain but I know it will not, I have tried before and it is not that easy. let us see what I can prepare myself in these 15-20 days. Today I got the date before I have to die.",Suicidal +8411,"I am so FUCKING useless, I try to act like things are normal and then some shit comes along to show how much of a fucking waste I am, if people screamed and got angry I coupd at least take solace in that but they ACT LIKE I am NOT A WASTE OF SPACE AT ALL fuck, I feel like I am spiralling a little and just withdrawing deeper in myself, I hate being myself so much, being so fucking useless Useless useless useless useless",Depression +8412,"I do not know the exact method yet but i have 3 optional to choose from.There is still a part of me that is scared of what i might miss.. maybe a possibility to create a family.But i think i made up my mind. I am so sorry for everyone, who gives a shit about me but i cannot live like this anymore. I cannot enjoy sex, because of what happened to me. I do not see a future for me anymore.I just want this to be over already I am planning to kill myself next week",Suicidal +8413,"I have so much to live for. I have kind of supportive parents, a comfortable life and a bright future ahead (at least a career that will make me enough money to survive). Yet I feel so sad and down. I feel like I have no motivations or goals and I do not enjoy doing anything. I am constantly worrying about my future even though I feel like I will not be living long enough to see my future anyway. I use all my time to study instead of pursuing my hobbies because I am afraid that I will not be able to pass my professional certification exam.Even when I was in my happiest relationship, I felt so alone at times and no friendship gave me any satisfaction. I just feel these bouts of sadness and I feel guilty for even feeling upset because I live such a blessed and fortunate life. Why am I depressed? What can I do to improve my mood? I feel so stuck and hopeless, and all alone even though I do not want anybody around me. Please give me any suggestions.. I do not understand why I am depressed.",Depression +8414,I am in my early thirties. But I have had chronic suicidal ideation since age 14. I remember the first time as if it were yesterday. Part of me is proud I made it to 33. But I do not think I am going to last much longer. I feel weak for giving into the negative thoughts. But I just do not think I can keep up the facade anymore. I have high functioning ASD (Aspergers) and trying to fit in and form relationships has just grown far too exhausting. Wish you all the best in this subreddit. Reading many posts over the last month has given me some hope and inspiration. In knowing I am not alone with these struggles. You made an impact on me. Thank you. I can feel it coming.,Suicidal +8415,You know what is weird? I have tried to commit suicide multiple times and sometimes after an attempt I am too afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid I might die?????? Like that does not make any sense. And sometimes after an attempt I try to go sleep as soon as possible so Id die. My mind is so weird Idk what is wrong with me,Suicidal +8416,"i always have the irrational thought to do something incredibly fucked up and make them all hate me so they are not upset when i finally do it thinking of ending it very soon, but I am afraid of upsetting family and friends",Suicidal +8417,I do not have a lot of friends and the ones I do live miles away from me. So pretty much I do not se any of my friends at all. Also my best friend is transferring to another school so I will probably see him like twice per year. I am also an introvert and it is hard for me to make friends. What should I do? HOW DO I STOP BEING DEPRESSED?,Depression +8418,Took over 500mg of amitriptyline and tried to put my head into a makeshift suicide bag but i passed out before i can do it. I woke up 20 hours later delirious and high on meds. I fail at everything in life now even suicide. what is the point of anything anymore? I tried to complex suicide and i failed,Suicidal +8419,I want to kms as a means of avoidance. I am too tired for life and I am tired of having to run away from my own mind at 100 mph. I probably have ocd and my stupid meds do not fucking work I hate it they made me jittery like a shot of adrenaline and cloudy at the same time so I stopped taking them. That were my last hope. Its just kind of sad knowing that some people just get the short end of the stick and there is nothing you can do about it. And even sadder knowing that I am one of those people. I got a shit life and a shit brain that nobody understands. It all just makes life seem kind of empty and pointless. I am SO TIRED OF LIVING ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY BODY I cannot fucking do this anymore. It hurts even more having to see my moms face everyday finally happy and stable unknowing that I am going to put a bullet in my brain soon. I already got the gun My mom does not know that I am going to put a bullet in my brain soon,Suicidal +8420,"Most of us were born out of wedlock. Growing up with a lack of basic needs that are not tended to and even those who were planned still end up having a shitty life! Outside of that we have society on our necks about ""being happy"" ""chasing dreams"" when in reality people are struggling to just live! Homelessness is high, drug and alcohol addiction is high, suicide rates are rapidly rising. I will never bring a being into this shithole we call life. Humans are self centered and delusional end of story!!!!! No wonder there are so many addicts in the world. No wonder suicide rates are skyrocketing. No wonder this world is full of chaos and misery.",Depression +8421,"I feel like I am losing my mind now.I have been struggling with my mental health for almost six years now and have been having intense and recurring suicidal thoughts for 2 years.I am the only child of a single mother and me killing myself would absolutely ruin her, to say the least.Last year I did two months of therapy, because two months was really all my mum could afford.I have become so good at pretending to be fine that sometimes I think that I am lying to myself about being unstable. It makes me feel crazy.I live in a third world country where its illegal to try to commit suicide and where no one really gives a shit about mental health.The fact that I manage to do well in school and am ambitious while simultaneously constantly contemplating suicide would not make sense to those around me - it does not even make sense to myself.I tried to kill myself last year during quarantine, did not work, obviously.I spent most of my time in therapy sorting through the damage left from my deadbeat father.Academic pressure is really high right now because I sit for my final exams in two semesters (sounds like a while but its really not considering the amount of work Ill be having and revision Ill be doing).I cannot even begin to imagine how Ill cope with the stress once I go back to school in September (I go to boarding school btw).I cannot do this anymore. I have tried so hard, god I have tried so so hard. I feel so afraid, so alone. I have nothing to hold onto anymore; not God, not the hope of a better future, not the love I have for my mother. The thing is, I have been in this dark place before more times than I can count. I never fail to relapse- its like a broken record, when you think the song is finally over, it plays again. and again. and again. I am supposed to start an internship at a media house on Thursday. I wrote my application while I was still in school, and told myself that I was going to be dead by the time I was supposed to start it. Here I am. A day to go. Ready to start my internship, ready to die.Imagine being very deep underwater and trying to get to the surface. You say Ill hold my breath a little longer, I am almost there You imagine being able to breathe again, you cannot remember the last time you felt air come into you lungs. You keep swimming. Just a little longer, just a little longer Until your arms get tired, and you feel yourself sinking, and the surface, the longed for air, becomes further and further out of your reach. The voices above the water go, KEEP SWIMMING! YOU HAVE TO KEEP SWIMMING! They do not know that you are drowning; breathing in water. Losing it",Suicidal +8422,I do not have any girlfriends. I want friends with similar interests. No friends,Depression +8423,I am just not going to speek i hurt people creep them out or annoy them I am already not part of society so i may asweelll not speek to anyone. i randomly yellt hings out in class and everyone is wierded out or dosent notice I am just fucking done. their as hill at my school il go thier every break from now on. summer was a fucking waist. i made friends but i will not hang out with them. may aswell forget. will not see them ever again in a couple of years. when i go back to school I am going to stay away from everyone and not speek,Suicidal +8424,do not want to die but I do not have any other options. I do not want to do it but its more like I have to do it,Suicidal +8425,"This is why people do not seek help. This is why people refuse to open up because they are constantly being let down. This is why its easier to keep everything bottled up. I express to my doctor that I have not been feeling the same for a while. I feel empty, I have panic attacks, I feel suicidal and it was met with Just take yourself to the movies. you will feel better. This is not a big deal. I will not prescribe you medications because I do not think you need it. Just try to get out of the house more. Now I am left feeling lonelier than ever before.Fuck you.We all deserve better. Everyone struggling right now - I hear you and I hope you find and get the help you deserve. Your feelings matter. Attempted to seek help for severe depression + anxiety and was immediately dismissed",Depression +8426,"I am just done with everything, I honestly have been feeling like I have no care to the world, that is including my own life, its hard to see any positives and I have felt super numbed down with emotions lately and just do not see the point of a lot of things that I just say fuck it who cares anymore. I feel like nothing and nobody",Suicidal +8427,(Sorry if any mistakes I am romanian) Can I have depression if I am 12?,Depression +8428,I do not deserve to live. I do not want to live. Nothing I do contributes to anything good. I hurt everyone around me. Nobody likes me. Every second I am alive is absolute torture. So why am I alive? Why am I alive?,Suicidal +8429,"I am sorry if this is not the right subreddit to post, direct me to go somewhere else if it is not So i went to the psychiatrist today with the expectation to get prescribed some stimulants or take some test that will get me some, point is i got diagnosed with major depressive disorder and i was prescribed Zoloft I did not lie to the psychiatrist told her all about past and my current situation I am honestly not even that depressed I am pretty functional I am outside everyday i have random bouts of 1 hour depression but that is it I have a lot to look forward to I am just honestly confused Diagnosed today with major depressive disorder",Depression +8430,Too tired to even kill myself. Tired,Suicidal +8431,"I am not scared of dying anymore, I have reached the point of where nothing makes me happy. I should be happy going from inpatient to further treatment and now a job, but I am not. I use to be deathly scared of dying and how it affects my family. I do not care anymore I am in so much emotional pain. I just do not want to keep going through the emotional anguish and trauma it hurts too much. I feel like a disappointment and failure to everyone. I feel like my depression has been masked for awhile and its just coming out full force wanting me to just end it. I wish you all the best in your similar struggles I am ready to go out",Suicidal +8432,"I am now on vacation, so I am not going to commit suicide until july 30th. But idk what to do when I am home. I have a plan. First I am going to drink a lot of alcohol and then swallow a bunch of pills. I am so doneI hate everything, OCD, anxiety, depression and especially PTSD Tw- I am so tired",Suicidal +8433,does anyone here have experience with carbon monoxide and what kind of brain damage does it because? I am pretty sure it is how I want to go out but I do not want anything to go wrong and I would be a vegetable for the rest of my miserable life. carbon monoxide brain damage,Suicidal +8434,"Hopefully my behaviour can help find out why. I tend to be very apathetic, apart from when I am stuck into researching my favourite subject which is nutrition and have become very impatient with my former favourite hobby I engaged in to relieve boredom, which are video games. I have some suicidal ideation, because nutrition can only provide so much information and find it extremely difficult to start new hobbies like learning an instrument. I have so far failed to mention my autism, which I inherited from my purely parental lineage and had diagnosed from a professional and autism has been linked with depression, although I do doubt my diagnosis to a small degree. My heart rate is in the 90s which is a possible indicator that something is wrong with me since higher heart rates are linked with depression, shorter life spans and a greater chance of CVD, although I am exercising and eating some legumes to lower it as much as possible. I am taking lamogtrigine which is supposed to stabilize my mood, as my consultant thinks that I may have Bipolar and I am growing some broccoli sprouts to treat my autism as it is the only shown treatment of autism there is, if I even have it in the first place.(I am whole food starch based, but I understand if you do not want to leave animal products behind, as my oldest sister still likes them.)My main issue with making friends is anticipatory anxiety, possibly induced by church up until we stopped attending, much to the dismay of the pastors at 14 and maybe attending school at 14 after a history of only homeschooling. I am completely fine in the presence of others, like at school and can tolerate them fairly well outside of regular social meetings, but the main reward is walking out of the regular meetings for sure, knowing I have some time before I encounter them again. Quickly going back to nutrition, I think I might be deficient in both calcium and magnesium, which seem to have a role in mood, alongside the obvious ones being bones and muscles and I am also taking ashwaganda. My grandfather on my fathers side, the autistic and very quiet one who only every talked to my mother once in his entire life, thankfully it being the pleasant topic of his civil engineering career. (He shook hands with the queen for an important construction project once, despite being very middle class.) I also have problems falling asleep at regular times, but no issue getting it consistently. I must further mention that I have had severe seperation anxiety based on my mother, to the point where I very rarely could be left with strangers and could not even be held by my own father, who has suffered from general anxiety for as long as he can remember.I grew up in a Christian community and also a completely secular sailing club, which gave me the feeling of being Jekyll and Hyde before having known about the book. But both feelings where equally enjoyable. Although I was in a Christian environment much more. This was balanced out by three and a half years of schooling I suppose, although one of my friends at church who I do not see anymore thought religion was stupid and my mother and I think he could have been autistic. I keep in sparse contact with one friend from my Christian-hood and none of the good friends I made in public school.And yet, after all of my research into nutrition and other lifestyle changes, such as aerobic fitness, what could be the because of my low mood? Any supplements you guys would recommend, as I am also taking boron which is a unessential mineral that boosts testosterone a fair amount among other things.Thanks for reading this long post. What could be causing my suicidal ideation?",Suicidal +8435,"Realizing you are depressed takes a lot of time and affects you badly, the more you delay not accepting it or hating yourself for being Depressed. Now coming to the title. The time flies by and before you realize you have passed a lot of months with nothing happening but just the constant worry and suffering. Its extremely hard to get a grasp on time and look out for short term goals or positivity. Anyone feels the same ? Its tough to get a hold and grasp on the concept of TIME itself.",Depression +8436,"I am not leaving anything behind but she will understand. For the longest time, she was enough reason for me to stay alive but something went wrong along the way. She will be fine without me, I am sure of it now. She will go on with her life. I just cannot stop thinking of how lucky I am to even be loved by her. She has told me everyday for the past 5 or 6 years that she loves me. She is honestly my only friend. I have severe social anxiety but she has helped me so so so much. For a few years, I even thought my problems could go away for good. Its unfortunate they cannot. I was very lucky to be loved but love cannot get rid of the maggots in my brain. She really tried to help me and understand me though. She was even willing to sacrifice her health to help me. A few days ago, I told her I was self harming again. She begged me to not off myself. It was like she knew that it was coming. I never even told her about how I was researching methods. She was screaming at me to not leave her here alone. I cannot stop thinking of how much this is going to fuck her up. She already struggles with bpd. This is going to really ruin things. She finally started taking therapy seriously too. I know she is strong enough to live through this and she has better emotional connections with people so she will be fine in a few weeks. I would not be able to live without her. But she would be able to live without me. She is so much stronger. I wish she never knew me because then she would not be sad over my death and I probably could have done this a long time ago. I wish I was capable of spending a lifetime with her. She told me once that I was the only person she knew would never hurt her. And now I am going to hurt her. I do not know how to tell her that I do not care about myself when I am alone. I only care about myself when other people need me for something. I wish I had better thoughts. This is why I would never leave a suicide note behind. I am going away forever and I cannot even think of what to say or how to word my thoughts. I wonder if anyone is even going to bother reading all this. It does not really matter though I suppose. I just had my last conversation with my best friend",Suicidal +8437,I am 16. I failed 10th grade because of struggling with online school and now I am on probation for truancy for 6 months. That really is not that big of an issue for me because I can pass the drug tests and I am a mostly behaved kid. My parents are divorced and they do not get along at all. I see my dad maybe 2-3 times a month and its only ever for a few hours. He beat me once when I was young and I had a horrible stepmom who neglected me and verbally abused me for years. He never got in trouble as my mom did not press charges but that and my stepmom basically ruined our relationship. I have a girlfriend with severe depression and anxiety issues. I will not go into specifics for her sake but Ill just say her alcoholic father caused a lot of her trauma. This girl means the world to me and I want her for as long as I am alive but i just do not know anymore. She smokes weed and vapes and it kills me to watch it. I always try to convince her to stop but she says you know what you signed up for. When I try to talk about it she makes me out as the bad guy every time. It genuinely crushes me like nothing else. All but 1 of her friends are what Id consider addicted to weed and nicotine and they are horrible influences. I try to tell her she needs/deserves better friends and then she calls me controlling. I truly am not controlling I just want the best for her. Her mom and I have discussed it and she agrees with me. Idk it just feels like I am trapped but do not want to escape. I just got my first job at Kohls and i get paid $10/hour more than minimum wage so I feel like I should be happy but honestly I just do not care. I feel like my life is just running on repeat. Same bs day after day and I am so tired. I do not have the guts to end my life but I just want it to stop. I feel lost and alone and like nothings worth it anymore,Suicidal +8438,"Pretending to the world like I do not have a problem.Mental health service at work = message a therapist that might answer in 24 hours and then when you get an appointment it is only 15 minutes and they just tell you a breathing exercise.Have tried working on personal projects, doing extra online training for work, and even fuck off and play video games, but I do not care.that is really it. Ok thx for reading I have been sitting here in the same spot for like 3 days",Depression +8439,"I just feel like a freaking failure at every thing I do. I keep trying but I just feel like I am going in circles. I do not know. Everything just changed when my mom died. Nothing feels the same anymore All the things I used to love doing, I just do not get any joy out of it anymore. Stuck taking care of my sick narcissist dad and all I want to do is leave. But Ill be a jerk if I leave him. I do not really have anywhere to go either Life gets better sounds more like a joke to me",Suicidal +8440,I can feel it. Its like a storm. Its heavy. Its a constant down pour. Most days I go on auto pilot so I can get through work and do what is expected of me. But I can feel myself getting worse and do not want to loose myself again. But nothing helps. I have tried talking to family and friends but I always feel like I am bothering them. I am too emotional. I cannot just be happy. And I am afraid to loose this battle. Help.,Depression +8441,"I am a final year student about to enter the workforce. I come from a privileged background where I did not have to work part time to pay for my school fees and I live comfortably with my parents. I have a lot to be grateful for but I feel like there is nothing worth living for. I do not find satisfaction in friendships and whatever hobbies I like to do are swept aside as I am not very smart so I have to study all the time to be able to pass my exams. Even after school ends, Ill be working a job and maybe then Ill be able to pursue my hobbies. I love my family but I hate being hounded by constant questioning about my life. Sometimes it gets too much and I rather be alone. I have no motivation/goal. I do not desire to be rich, I am ok as long as I have a roof over my head. I know when the time comes to begin work, I will go to work but I know that I will dread every day of it. there is no job for what I liked to do, even so, it would not make enough money to pay for rent. I feel so stuck and cannot figure what else is there to live for. I am mostly positive because I live day by day but if someone gave me a way to end my life, I think I might take it. what is wrong with me? How can I change this selfish mindset and find more purpose in life? How do I make life worth living?",Suicidal +8442,"My doctor is switching me from cipralex to welbutrin and I am just wondering if anyone has any experience with these two. Copralex is good, it is served me best out of everything else I have been on but it also has not gotten me out of my usual mood of pure apathy or anxiety. I have almost 0 interest in doing anything. I am scared of switching medications just because I do not know how I will react to it. I have pretty bad anxiety, and the side effects mention that it might make anxiety worse. I do not want it to make me feel worse or affect my sex drive which is already lower because of antidepressants. it is just an all around shit show. Any information or words or encouragement would be very appreciated. I am so sick of this. Help please? Doctor is switching my medication",Depression +8443,"Ever since i was little my parents have always fought and blamed everything on me, just turned 18 yesterday and still nothing has changed. My parents put there expectation on me initially becoming a tennis player, so they trained me for 11 years of my life, i had no childhood as i would immediately after 3.30pm after eating would play tennis 3 hours for years on end, high school was difficult as i was unable to multitask between tasks. (i was good at tennis, but i know my limitations so i told them i give up) they blamed me for months on end for ruing there dreams and money, i should have told them when i was younger but if i did i was scared what would happen to me as my parents hated/despised my existence if i was no use to them.Then i aimed to become a doctor, year 11, age 15, after breaking up with my first girlfriend who was my emotional scapegoat since my parents hated me, our relationship was toxic and my first love chose another individual because i was too much of a coward to ask her out. During when i had a girlfriend year 10, my parents would antagonise me that i should not fall in love, it ruined my tennis career and education. During my relationship with my girlfriend i realised the way my parents where treating me, my lack of social awareness and how enclosed my life was (did not know youtube, anime, insta, etc. till i was 15). So i slowly began to shut them out of my life, both parents would antagonise me, act like my support, but then immediately backstabbed me when they had the chance, blame everything on me and have me as a common enemy (this was norm in my life and still is). My parents still antagonise me for falling in love to the point, I am so depressed that my friends slowly forgot about me and the only form of happiness i still have left is anime, lego or games.My parents antagonise me on how successful they are and how much of a disgrace i'am compared to them, I am a freeloading leech that takes everything for granted, whilst offering nothing in return. The way my parents brought me up i have speech impediment (stutter and i cannot formulate sentences quickly and i struggle to talk), i get bullied and still laugh, get emotional scarred and people still expect me to smile. I only laugh and smile at school while i had friends, but since i graduated i have no friends and no one talks to me, except my parents who ostracise my very existence as a mistake everyday. Also during a biology class after receiving crappy marks in chemistry and getting scolded by my parents, i slit my wrist with a scalpel, my friends at the time took me to the nurse and i had some medicine/band-aid applied to my wrist, scared of what my parents will say to me i hid it, when i woke up, my band-aid was gone and i was sure they saw it since i live in a small apartment i sleep in the same room. Come morning it seemed as if they did not care or wanted to care about my injury. I wanted to kill myself since the age of 5, i prayed i would die everyday to relive my parents burden of having me, i was too afraid to end it myself, so I would hope i got into a freak accident or was killed, unfortunately nothing has happened yet.I go uni now and study software engineering, having received a atar of 77.85, which was a far cry from studying medicine. I want to make friends at uni but my speech impediment, how i look (I am not exactly what you call a good looking guy, i know I am ugly), but i still continue to falsely hope on. I skipped over alot of my past because it is better left unknown. I just turned 18 yesterday, i was hoping i would die before turning into a adult, kind of disappointed to be honest, woke up immediately scolded for looking sad, i only had 2 friends remember my birthday, 2 family friends and my parents obligated wishes. As time flew more and more people forgot about me, which is not bad because i always wanted to be forgotten i guess. When cutting the cake, the asked me to smile, but i would not since i was sad i was still alive. They started to curse me like always for not being thankful for what i have, they always like to monitor what i do so they check my phones and stuff. I have a younger sibling who is blessed, they receive everything from my parents i wish i had, whom i also stopped talking to after my parents routinely check on my email, where they discovered me and my friends joke round calling each other names and stuff. One of my friends called me gay as a joke, which my sister called me infront of all her friends who are in highschool too. The only person who i had close relations with made me feel betrayed for putting trust in them. My parents made me ""reconcile"" with them, which i acted as i did, but never felt that they were sincere (happened 2 years ago). I am trying to get my first job at retail so i leave the house more and can contribute money to the family and am not a leech, but no one is hiring since covid and i have no work experience. So i need to wait until covid bans are lifted if I am still alive lol.Now to today, my parents spoke to me again about how much of a disappointment i'am, i make myself numb to pain by holding back tears and looking pan face all the time, but i cried for the first time to them for the first time in 2 years despite them ""calling me out"" for different things, even them all wishing i was dead and if they had known i was going to be born they would have aborted me or calling me a mistake. My parents said they probably made a mistake when they received there baby from the nursery, which broke my heart. I act stone face to hide my tears and sadness, but i did not say anything back to them, because whenever i did i would make things worse for myself by expressing my feelings. Imagine ur friend consoling you despite being reluctant, when you finally get consoled, there pissed at you for taking forever and things get worse. Like that so i just be quiet and only nod my head or giving 1-2 word answers. They feel no remorse and continued to talk to me. Later on one of them comes and asks me why i cried saying they were surprised, i choose not to say anything so they lecture me for 1 hr 30mins asking why, telling me there hardships and how much of a failure i am. Here i am now on the verge of decided whether to jump of my apartment or not, I have written and signed a couple of draft notes on what i done to my body after i die (donated to medical research or organ transplants), removes more burdens of my parents. Idk what to do sorry for wasting your time, this is more of a rant if anything. Thank you for your time and sorry for my bad english despite it being my first language. What do i do?",Suicidal +8444,"I am honestly scared shitless to die as I am sure most are, I can hardly fathom the concept. But at this point I want to die more that be alive, life just constantly plays itself on repeat the same bullshit happening and I feel absolutely powerless to do anything about it. I have tried changing, I have tried being better but in the end it all seems futile, nothing I do except substance abuse seems to make things better which in the long run only makes things worse. I feel I have dug myself a hole so deep noone can hear me scream. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything, so empty and hopeless but I am sure you have heard it all before/experienced. I am one of hundreds of thousands that feel this way. This post will get buried I am sure with no comments. There are 1k people here right according to the page to my right which makes this feel even more meaningless. hopeless",Suicidal +8445,"Tyson, fury and countless other champions had to get through it why would it be any easier for me, this D actually hurted me so much but still teached me so many life lessons but still I am on my knees, each time i get up I am scared so i do not try anymore fearing that this will not work. Being for 1 hours on the ground tasting all kind of emotions, anger, pain, tears.. If my life has to be this way so be it, but i are not going to let her enjoy shredding me, imma make sure there gon be blood from each sides I learned something really life changing , if you love it, you will not have to work hard for it , all she managed to do is making love being in pain, now i love pain, i are not saying i want it but at least i will not have to cary the burden of hating it, guys we will make it incha allah . Allahu akbar, peace Is it over ?",Depression +8446,"Hello everybody, I really do not know what I am supposed to say because I am BALLS DEEP in the abyss of isolation and misery right now and my thought patterns are all the way fucked up, but Ill try my best and hope to interact with fellow sufferers. I am 21 years old, live in New Jersey born and raised, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizoafective disorder, and PTSD, prescribed 900mg Oxcarbazepine(Trileptal), 1,200 mg Neurontin(Gabapentin), and 80mg Ziprasidone(Geodon) daily and feel like my symptoms have only worsened since I started taking medications and stopped smoking weed(50 days clean). I am never happy, I am always miserable, I am always fucking bored, I lost all my social skills, i have 5 friends, my family does not even like being around me, my coworkers all know I am fucking insane and keep a distance from me, I work at a gas station because I feel too incompetent to do anything else lol cannot get lower than that, I had a physique like a young Hollywood teen actor until I allowed my depression to destroy it, now I am skinny fat, I always feel like a useless piece of shit degenerate loser, I have only been laid by three girls and all three of them just wanted to fuck me for my body, I have suicidal ideation running through my brain all day long, hell I even almost died last year from a suicidal overdose on a bottle of lamictal but thankfully I survived it and got locked in a nuthouse for my 5th time in a three year span, when I am not at work I lay in bed on my phone all day long, joy ride, take walks, stress eat, or go to the gym, and when I am there I deal with crippling social and performance anxiety and can barely lift for an hour. I am emotionless, cold, have repulsive thoughts, existential dread, have destroyed any opportunity I have ever had placed in front of me, feel like an outcast, etc etc etc. I tell my psychiatrist that I do not want to take my meds anymore, he gets nasty with me and tells me that he will not wean me off of them and if I want to stop taking my meds I am on my own. I got discharged from my Intensive Outpatient Therapy Program for smoking weed and refusing Residential treatment. I am so fucking stuck and have no idea what the fuck I am still doing existing, I want to fucking die, but I do not want to kill myself because I am scared of the pain of dying and what it would do to my parents. I smoke a juul pod a day for the sole purpose of getting cancer and all I want to do right now is smoke weed and mask my pain. My life has felt like a curse and a nightmare from the start and I feel like I am incapable of turning it around, being loved or giving love. I am not asking for anybody to come up with a solution to my problems, I just want somebody, anybody who feels the pain I do or worse to interact with me because I am fucking lonely and scared. Need to get a lot off my chest.",Depression +8447,"So i just moved out from my moms house and my home town after 22 yrs. And as much as i like it, i am also anxious and stressed. Its probably because i have a puppy/9 months which i brought with me, it is mine afterall. But since its my first dog ever and my first time ever moving out i am very overwhelmed. I had depression long before i moved out or got a dog aswell. When i was home in my hometown i felt less stressed because of much less responsibility.. now i have work, i have my dog, rent to pay, bills, food expenses and gas for my car.. I have exams in 3 months which i need for my apprenticeship/where i work.. I am so stressed and overwhelmed and idk what to do. I feel like I am going to get very mentally ill if i keep feeling like this for a long time. Also i am living underneath the people i pay rent to, they have a dog too, and whenever he barks, my dog will also bark.. i feel like I am failing to train my dog correctly aswell because of this. Depressed, stressed, anxious.",Depression +8448,"Nobody wants to talk to me in person because they think I am ugly and not worth anything. they are not wrong. But I am a nice person, deep down. Just misunderstood. I would love to make friends, perhaps establish a genuine connection with people. I do not want to be alone right now. I would really love a friend",Suicidal +8449,"I hate being alive there is nothing good about my life, I just want to die so I can stop feeling pain I hate living",Depression +8450,"I feel like my entire life has been suffering and traumas. My dad was a drug addict, beat my mom and treated me bad before he committed suicide when I was young. School was shit and I dropped out of depression without a sense of direction in life. After that its been jobs I dislike with low pay and being unemployed for long durations. I live with constant anxiety, the meds is numbing some of it so I guess that is something. I still have so much anxiety that I get stuck at home in the morning, I do not like my current job but they have been understanding. But my contract there is only until end of August and I doubt they will want to keep someone like me around any longer than necessary. I have also started to suffer from smell hallucinations recently, lifes way of showing me that things can get worse I suppose. I secretly wish its a brain tumor or something that comes with a death sentence so I do not have to put up with this shit or take action and end it myself, because I am afraid of the physical pain and failing. I am sick and tired of all the suffering",Suicidal +8451,"I have no energy and no desire to do anything with my life at the moment. It feels like there is this incredible weight inside of me. The lethargy is INCREDIBLY intense. This has gone on for about a month now. I no longer find enjoyment in anything. I have absolutely no appetite and eating is a total chore. The two things that sadly consumed much of my life: porn and video games, no longer give me any satisfaction. I feel like I just want my body and soul to dissolve into a setting sun on a beautiful exotic beach.I am in college getting an undergraduate degree in computer science. I enjoy studying CS and computer programming, but I just have no desire to do it now.I worry a lot about finding a job when I graduate next year. I hate working for people, but I have no choice. I feel like such a wage slave, doing these meaningless jobs that realistically do not matter to anybody or make anyone's life better except for some ultra wealthy corporate owners who really could not give a flying f\*ck about you or anyone working along side you. Then there is the fact that the world has gone completely f\*cking mad and quite literally insane since 2020 rolled around. If you DARE to disagree with anyone nowadays, you are considered a threat to humanity and must be purged from the Earth. People are so far divided over everything, it makes me f\*cking sick. People are cutting off friendships, family members are refusing to talk to one another because of various political issues.Oh, and one other thing, I am living with my parents now and I hate my father. he is an incredibly depressing, disgusting, pathetic individual. I thought about whether I would feel sad if he suddenly died tomorrow, and honestly I could not find an answer. Someone I met awhile ago gave me some sage advice about people like him: ""miserable people enjoy making other people miserable"". I cannot stress enough how true this is! I cannot wait to get the f\*ck away from this guy when I leave to go back to school in the fall. I need help. I am not sure what to do other than come here and complain. I want to try meditation, maybe that will do something.Any suggestions? I am like dying here. I Just Want To Dissolve Into Infinity",Depression +8452,"Someone please read thisI think I am done. The last year i have spent 20 weeks in mental wards and 16 weeks in group a therapy program. I have lost everything. My happiness (If i ever had any, i cannot remember). My drive. My motivation. My memory. My compassion. My empathy. Myself. And most of all, my will to live. I am just done.I have tried medicine, therapy, two series of ECT, three hospital admissions, and while some of it might make me better for a short while, I am just done. I am tired of trying. It all seems useless. I have accepted that i will comitt suicide, and i do not care about the consequenses of it anymore.Sorry for any typos, english is my second language. I am done",Suicidal +8453,"I just moved states with my partner- they had a great job offer, and I am still finishing my masters, so we headed out with plans Id get a bartending gig. And I did, for about a week, before I was fired for not being a good fit. The wording definitely stung. I immediately spiraled, panic attack, going wide with my failures (cannot keep a job, cannot do anything right, etc). My partner was great and supportive, but its hard to crack that nagging voice of worthlessness in the back of my head. I am good at my job, so being fired for what I can only assume is a dislike of me in particular feels... devastating. I want to be a writer. I am working on my thesis for my masters. Yet losing a job I have had for less than two weeks has leveled me, and its hard to see any value I bring to my relationship, society etc if I cannot keep a fucking bartending gig. Fired while Depressed",Depression +8454,"My mental health and I barely held it together for the lockdowns and mask mandates. Now, the CDC might be bringing back masks? I do not know if I will be able to make it. I just cannot take much more of this. Please help. COVID Again",Suicidal +8455,But I am considering rehoming. Pets are the only reason I am here.,Suicidal +8456,"Hello!When I was a little girl I was thinking about the purpose of this life. Everything seemed gray for the most time. I could not understand how other people were happy when I just did not care. I do care about many things, but for the most part it feels as if I have a cloud over my head, even when I was little. Now I am a grown up, and I believe and feel still the same.I thought that this will change but it has not. I am tired. There is no fighting because this is me: empty and sad and lost and tired and weak, etc. Never had a wish to live",Suicidal +8457,"I just hate everything about me. My appearance, my personality, my stupid mental illnesses. Even if someone told me they loved me I would not believe them because how can someone love another that cannot even love themselves? Why am I so unlovable",Depression +8458,"I recently started giving therapy through Betterhelp a shot, and after a couple months, all she is done is listen then suggest I try going outside, scheduling tasks and activities, journaling... Is this how therapy normally is? Just an endless list of suggestions I already know will help, but I do not have the motivation or energy to try in the first place? I used to do these things when I was in school, but it is so hard for me to do anything now. Sure, the little accountability I get from her is somewhat helpful, but it is starting to feel like, ""cure your depression by doing things that should be easy."" My husband went to therapy a while ago and refuses to try it again because it was ""useless."" I am kind of starting to believe him since I can get all this advice from self-help websites... Is this how therapy should be?",Depression +8459,"Even to people who have it matireally worse I do not think. Obviously like staring people, etc. But this brain, and this environment, and these factors. it is like Tony from the office if he was also mildly schizophrenic. I really just exist in a state of limbo, going through the motions. I honestly could not recommend my life",Depression +8460,"I cannot tell anyone what I am feeling anymore , I think I might end it all and its scary I have no one anymore",Suicidal +8461,"I want to kill myself. I have written a suicide note which will explain things to the few people who care. I am done with this life. &#x200B;I would slit my wrists but it will be too painful, slow and difficult to do with any effectiveness. Obviously hanging is an option, but i think I would struggle to set that up with my current living situation. Contemplating climbing to an extremely high place and just jumping. Can anyone advise me please I need to know the most painless and effective method.",Suicidal +8462,I do not want student loan debt collectors harassing my parents after I am gone. The reason I want to die is also the thing keeping me alive.,Depression +8463,"I cannot hold a solid job. My depression, anxiety, and PTSD (and who the hell knows what else) is just too much for my brain to keep up with. I am a leech. I am never going to contribute anything good to the world, so what is the point?I just want it all to end. I do not know how to go about it though. I have thought about taking a whole bottle of pills, but the chances of failure are too high. I have thought about jumping off a building, but that feels too public. I have thought about just slicing my wrists really deep, but that seems too middle school. Lately I have started slamming my head against the wall when I find the time. I am hoping that maybe I will get a concussion and never wake up. Or maybe I will start a brain bleed that will take me out eventually. Ideally, I would like it to crack my head like an egg. I am too scared of guns, and I definitely cannot buy one so that is out of the picture. I worry that maybe my light fixtures are not strong enough to hold me if I hang myself. I have thought about just starving myself to death, I have an eating disorder that leaves me at 93lbs, so maybe it would not be hard. But I know starving to death would be so shitty. If I die, I do not think my boyfriend would join me, but I know it would fuck him up. I try my best not to write anything about how close I actually am to killing myself because I worry that if I follow through that he will go through my stuff later and see all these plans. If he sees all these plans, I worry it would make him hurt more because it was under his nose this whole time but he could not do anything. I think it is coming soon. Nothing is exciting anymore. I just want it all to end. I slam my head against the wall, praying for my head to crack like an egg.",Suicidal +8464,"i just really do not have anything else. no one listens to me when i say i cannot just be positive or when i tell them id rather die then transition most if not all of the time. there is not anything i can accomplish that i feel confident enough in to dedicate my life and time to work towards. so i do not see any reason to live most if not all of the time.i do not want to have to dilate my vagina weekly. id honestly prefer a menstrual cycle. at least then i would not have to die with the secret embarrassment that i have felt bad about not being able to start a biological family with a partner. its not even something i want. its something i silently beat myself up for not being able to give to someone else if it was something they dreamed of. another possible let down of being in a relationship with a fake woman like me.i do not want to have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to change my face and body just to feel vain and petty. because i know it will not make me happy. and everyone just seems to get mad with me for talking about it. like they can tell me, a trans woman, how to view the extent of modern medical gender transitioning. i cannot just get silicone tits and be miraculously happy for everyone else to see. i cannot just be told that all these things are what it means to transition from male to female over and over when to me its literally not. I am forever trapped in a way that just makes me feel stupid. i think I am losing the battle with myself.",Suicidal +8465,"hi. i recently moved into my own apartment. i got a job walking distance from it, because i do not drive. this morning i was let go, something about I am not what they were looking for. its in a restaurant where they are supposed to be fast paced. they threw me into the kitchen day one with barely any training, no orientation or anything. so yeah, i was not going to be why they wanted until they gave me some proper fucking training. anyways, my roommate said she would help with rent this month. and with the remaining check i should be getting, as well as some help from my financial aid from college, ill be fine for rent next month. but I am getting nervous. i still need money for things like my phone bill. and groceries. and i just feel like such a failure. like I am becoming useless and my roommate is going to hate me. i do not know, i just need to find another job but its hard when i have to walk. this is not supposed to be a pity party or anything, i just need a place to vent and express my feelings without loading it onto my friends or family who will probably think I am a failure lol. just hoping things will be better and I am overreacting. feeling helpless",Depression +8466,"Anyone here who has depression at the same time suffers with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)? How do you guys manage? Do you meet with a dietitian? Does stress/or when your depression symptoms get worse, does your IBS symptoms get worse too? Thank you and any help would be appreciated. Depression and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)",Depression +8467,i thought i was getting to be ok. i should have known better. i cannot tell anyone its bad again. they will be so disappointed. i want to slit my throat. and jump off a building. fuxke,Suicidal +8468,GIVE ME A REASON PLS SOMEONE CONVINCE ME TO STAY,Suicidal +8469,"As the post title suggests, I am always in physical pain due to stress and depression. I have ended up in the ER multiple times due to random chest pain and sometimes backache. Sometimes my shoulders and neck start hurting and sometimes it is a headache, BUT every time, my doc (physician, not psychiatrist) says there is nothing wrong with my body and if I stopped worrying so much, my symptoms will lessen. I am always in physical pain due to depression",Depression +8470,"I am in a place in life where I feel so numb. So tired of my toxic mother. Stupid bitch. And this constant changing of day to night and night to day. I always feel like crying inside screaming. A few weeks ago I stopped my medications due to weight gain. I am not that much obese but It feels very uncomfortable gaining weight. Doctor told me to do exercises along with the medications. But I could not follow the word. I feel so empty. Confused and irritated about people and society. But I just want to feel loving someone. Live in the fantasy of love without the knowledge of love is a fake thing. Like I did years ago. Man or woman. Completely platonically. I just want to leave home. I watch yt videos of people going to jungle and survive. It gives me excitement. But I know I cannot just stand up and walk into the jungle. I do not know what I am trying to tell here. I am just typing my feelings rn. I would not post this maybe. maybe I will post this. If I decided to post this at the end it would not be from my original account because I think someone I know may identify me somehow. I just do not know what I am expecting from you by doing this. I just need to feel calm. I have this dire feeling of leaving society. For good. I just want to go far away. I feel like I cannot trust anyone in the world. In my fantasies I would like to meet a person(a man or a woman) who thinks and feels just like me. Hug him/her and cry until I do not have tears anymore. But I know it is just fantasy. do not know what I really want. My brain is battling over multiple thoughts at the same time. For short periods of time I feel happiness. For short periods of time I believe in real intimate human connections. Until very immediately I realize it is just fucking fake. I do not want to die. I think I am not suicidal. Onetime in life many years ago, I decided to die but I could not complete it right at the point. I was afraid of sth. I had hope that things can change over time. But so far it did not. Actually I think that if things have gotten worse. I wish things change soon for better. Because it is just painful now. This feeling is intolerable. Suffocating. I do not know how others do it. the 'normal people'. I cannot put together words to describe my feelings correctly. I am confused. I feel brain fogged. I want to go to the jungle...",Depression +8471,"Today, after 1,5 year that I spent doin nothing because of my severe depression, I have tried goin to the employment center:I had a meeting for being legally allowed to work and, before the meeting, I have cried a lot outside in the parking area, because of the stress and the anxiety I was feeling. When I went back home I was EXHAUSTED. I have done NOTHING all day, just layed in bed and thought about how miserable I am. I have an headache now. I want to kill myself so bad I am so sad and depressed",Depression +8472,"I always thought I was a strong person. For many months now I have been feeling weak and just miserable. I feel pathetic and meaningless. I have been down on myself and everything is just extremely underwhelming. Most days I do not leave my bed. I have been sick and do not really eat much anymore. I drink so much water I feel like a damn plant, So that is a plus. But the mental abuse I deal with along with everyone and everything letting me down is just a huge issue. I used to look forward to waking up and going about my day. And now I look forward to maybe one or two things in my life. I am stuck in a downward spiral and I do not see myself getting out of it anytime soon. I used to be such an incredibly happy person. Always tried to look on the brighter side of things. Now? Ha. I feel like I do not belong. I cannot take this anymore. I thought I was strong.",Depression +8473,"At least, i assume they are. Every once in a while, i get a chat request from some woman asking to click a link to ""view pics"" or ""have fun"". I also get links from people claiming to be experts on depression/suicide and asking to try a product. Obviously i do not mean the people who see my posts and ask out of concern, i appreciate those people. Just wondering because i never got anything like this before i started posting and idk if this is normal on reddit. Does anybody else have problems with bots?",Suicidal +8474,"Although some have voiced that they care, unfortunately no one I know Truly does and my days of constant feeling pains in my chest and overwhelming sadness are done.&#x200B;FAREWELL!!!&#x200B;and my you all take care.... BYE you all",Suicidal +8475,I have been in a rough place lately and yesterday I had a mental breakdown at work and ended up packing my tools up and leaving... now I am sitting at home kicking myself in the ass once again Depression broke my life again,Depression +8476,"so I would just like to ask a favour of some people. I want to ask my Mum if I can go and see a therapist, so can somebody please just tell me some things that I could say to try and persuade my Mum to let me see a therapist at my local doctors? I was thinking of some of the good times of my childhood; where I was not screaming and crying internally. Where I was laughing with joy instead of my own pain. Where I was not self harming myself. They were good times... Hey,",Depression +8477,"I am 25F. I was diagnosed with depression at 12, and borderline personality disorder at 23. It comes and goes, but when its bad its BAD. Things are not going amazing in my life at the moment, but also not particularly bad, either. But i feel like I am in a serious slump.I have tried therapy multiple times in the last 13 years, multiple different therapists and approaches but it honestly has never done anything for me at all.I have been on SO many different medications throughout the years, and finally am on one that helps more than the others, but still not fully. Nobody in my family deals with any mood disorders, so they are not very understanding when i do go through slumps, so i feel like I am not taken seriously and no one truly understands how bad i feel.I also do not want to try therapy again for the simple fact that i cannot afford it. I make too much for Medicaid, and even with good insurance i was paying almost $300 out of pocket, twice a month, just for therapy alone, not including my general appointments for my medication.I really only have 3 people i can talk to. One being my boyfriend of 6 years, who is supportive and as helpful as he can be, but given the fact hes never struggled with it himself, he does not really understand. The other is my best friend who is honestly not the greatest friend in general, and i feel like i bother her when i talk to her. The last person is my sister, but she picks and chooses when she wants to listen/help.I hate burdening people with my issues, and i feel that is all i do. But i also feel like I am going to lose my mind. do not really know what to do anymore",Depression +8478,"I cannot seem to enjoy anything anymore. Everything is boring and colorless, even the things I used to love. All I can think about is how life is so hard. Why should I keep working for the rest of my life, everyday, nonstop just to do die in the end? I do not think life is worth living anymore. Those ideas are eating me everyday, and I do not even have enough money to go to a therapist, they are really expensive where I live. I am exhausted, really really exhausted. I need help",Suicidal +8479,"I know I am not alone but I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I will not be able live like this for much longer. Nothing brings me joy, I have no hobbies and have no desire to pick new ones up. I have tried to force myself to do *anything* and I just get angry and frustrated. Even my last few safe hobbies are now boring. I do not want to go to the gym, or read a book, or go for a walk, or write, or draw. I am so mind numbingly bored that I feel like a caged animal. I sit in my room and scratch and rub at my skin, hit head and legs, roll around on my bed as if I am in agony. I feel like I am going insane, and if this carries on I will go insane. I just want this to end but I do not even have the balls to kill myself. One minute I want to cry and the next I want to smash my head so hard against a wall that it fractures me skull. What the fuck do I even do now. I cannot do this anymore. Absolutely nothing brings me enjoyment anymore. I have no hobbies, nor do I want to I begin scratching at myself and hitting myself and rolling around like I am possessed. I am so mind numbingly bored I am so bored I feel like a caged animal, I just want to die. I cannot live like this.",Depression +8480,"What is around you right now? A photo? A comfortable place to sit? A beautiful view? A person who you love? What is around you right now that you can find happiness in?I have been printing photos of happier times like vacations, family, great views. I have been getting into gardening and have been finding little plants like succulents and cacti. These plants love neglect. Seeing these little things throughout my day have made the days where I am feeling a bit down kind of brighten up with the spark of a memory and give me hope to grow in the future like my cacti and succulents. I hope you are in a good place right now. If you are not, I hope your day brightens up a bit and you have a better week Find something right now that is around you and makes you happy.",Depression +8481,I do not belong in my family.. I do not belong in my country... I do not belong in this planet.. I do not belong in this universe(probably) :) I do not belong here,Depression +8482,"Hey, so I have been having trouble crying recently because I have been holding in my tears for far to long, so could somebody just write anything in the chat thingy to try and help me cry. You do not have to, but it would be nice.",Depression +8483,"I have these days where I am completely fine, then i have these days where i either wake up sad or fine and it usually switches later that day, and then i have days like these where I am just stuck in a deep pit where all i want to do is die. Idk who to tell or if i should bc i do not want to come off as attention seeking or faking it. Someone told me about this subreddit so i made a separate account just for this. I think it is mainly bc I am really jealous of all my friends, they all have girlfriends, getting married, or are married and do not have time to hangout with me or even talk to me, i feel really lonely. I would go out and try and meet people but i struggle talking to people (I have had social anxiety since i was 6) I just sit at home all day, work, and play pointless games. I have not actually talked to someone in like 3 months. I do not know where to go from here, I am basically stuck at a dead end and i really just want to give up Contemplating Suicide",Suicidal +8484,I am done. I have had enough of this crappy life and everything in it. I have had enough of people not caring. I have had enough of being alone. I do not want my life anymore. Goodbye,Depression +8485,"If I tell my parents that ""I am feeling sad"", they might just brush it off and say ""Oh I am sorry."" But if I tell them that, on a scale from -10 to 10, with -10 being suicidal and 10 being my happiest day ever, I am at a -2 today, they have a better context for how I am feeling. Just thought I would pass it along. I find it helpful to tell my support network how I am feeling on a scale from -10 to 10",Depression +8486,"I am probably just overthinking or some shit but its been on my mind for weeks and i just need someone to give me advice(?). i mean the main thing that stands out is that if i would not be alive if it would not hurt the people i care about, my mum would never recover so i could not. i never have energy, my room is always a mess until i randomly get the energy to clean it, i always sleep bad, i catch myself clenching my teeth all the time so my jaw hurts a lot and when I am alone or in my thoughts i just feel nothing. i do struggle with a lot of things everyday like constant back pain and joint pain a lot of the time (I am 19 F), i randomly got the worse type of epilepsy near the start of 2020 so now i cannot get drunk with friends or on my hen night if i get married and my mum is so overprotective now, i do not have one really good close friend my friends do not know half the stuff that goes through my mind bc I am worried they will chat shit behind my back like they do to other friends in the group. idk i just need to post it where people who i do not know will see it. i feel like I am just complaining now so ill shut up so ty if you read this all :) i think i might be depressed but i hate to talk about my feelings to people so much",Depression +8487,girlfriend broke up and said she has not really loved me. All my relationships end like that. Am i that fucking unloveable? She told me right before my birthday in like a week and while i was working a summer job. I am such a fucking loser considering doing it today,Suicidal +8488,"I recently scheduled myself to so stuff I will enjoy doing for tomorrow, however it always gets pushed for tomorrow's tomorrow and then that day's tomorrow and so on.How do I... Not do that? Tomorrow is magical (not in a good way)",Depression +8489,"I have to wash clothes, do dishes, clean kitchen floor, blah blah blah but I can barely get myself to do it. I can barely start chores for today.",Depression +8490,"Failed in every job I ever did because of anxiety, cannot even talk to people . Always have panic attacks before work. Too ugly to get a girl. I used to look forward to watch Madrid player each weekend nkw they are shit so what do I have to look forward to Nothing ever goes my way",Depression +8491,"I cannot get relationships down. It always seems to end the same way. I give and give and do everything right in the relationship. Then it turns out the guy is cheating and using me. I know I am not some supermodel looking woman, I still think I am pretty. Well I did, not anymore. I tried working around the cheating, by offering open relationships. They always turn that down though. So what is wrong with me, that I am not good enough? Just feeling really low after another one cheated. 1 year relationship down the drain. At this rate I will never marry, or have a family of my own. I feel like such a failure and fool",Depression +8492,"I notice this pattern, every day when I wake up for like 30minutes to maybe an hour. I feel great, ambitious I want to buy some sht that will progress me in the things I like. then it fades I have no pleasure and the deep depressive cavity hits for the rest of the day.&#x200B;is this a normal phenomenon? is there a term for sort of phenomenon when you wake up feel good then it hits a brick sht wall?",Depression +8493,"i honestly wish i was never born I did not give consent to be brought into this shit world but now that I am in it I have to live through it funny how I cannot even leave ,, i wonder what is the easiest and painless method to kill myself pill overdose ? it could be a test if the universe actually wants me to live or not i wish I had a gun I could have ended it so easily maybe jumping ? I am scared Ill fail and then Ill end up with some kind of condition that will scar me for the rest of my life I am too scared though its weird because I think its selfish that my parents birthed me for their own desire but then again they wanted a smart perfect baby not a suicidal dumb scared little kid so I guess I feel bad for them I mean they did not do much wrong and do not deserve that kind of pain for the rest of their lives maybe I should try ? who am I kidding I cannot do anything you know I think I only have one life might as well try because you never know what happens I mean we do not even matter in the universe we are just a speck of dust but at the same time its just so I do not know anymore i wished i killed my self back in 2018",Suicidal +8494,"It has become nearly impossible for me to relate to the normal things that other people have and take for granted everyday. I do not feel human anymore because I cannot relate to or connect with anything that people say anymore. All I see is everyone elee living their lives while I have been stuck in the same position for years with no help. Whenever I see a couple togerher it really effects me because I have never had anything like that and I realized that other people do not care what you are goinf through, as long as they feel good they are content to ignore you. I am almost 29 now and I have never been in a real relationship in my life. People have always treated me differently. I watched as the years went by and everyone else in my family found a partner and got married. While other people found love I was here alone and I still am.This entire situation has had a terrible impact on my mental state. These days all I find myself doing is wasting the road at it my limited time and sleeping. When everyone else talks about their interests and hobbies all I can think of is oh that is nice, I wish I could afford to go out and do fun things. But since I do not have any money I can only have hobbies that are free such as writing and reading. It saddens me to no end how other people are held above us and used as a form of social capital. Its unreal how much those in power have completely ruined the natural interactions that humans used to have. Almost every single way that people interact these days is twisted and unnatural. Humans were never meant to live this way, but for some reason we continue to, day after day, much to our own dismay. Sometimes I feel this world is nothing but a nightmare when I think about the past and how people used to act. People were not always this way, but they act like there is no other alternative or other ways to live. All of these things going on within society and the interactions between us have caused my heart to become harder over the years. I used to be a sensitive person who felt a range of emotions and I used to be able to get excited about things. Now I feel like a broken person, I do not feel much anymore except extreme despair and sadness which eventually feels like nothing after a while. It is great how everyone else gets to continue to live their lives and experience all these things that people take for granted, while my life declines and gets worse everyday. Every day just gets worse for me. Every day is more suffering",Suicidal +8495,"I have had to be constantly dosed up on it for the past couple of days.So far, it is been the only thing that calms the HELLISH itching from the sunburn on my back. If you have never experienced Hell's Itch, go step barefoot on a fire ant nest and just let them bite. Then imagine that happening for hours on end in a place you cannot reach.Unfortunately, Benadryl also sends my depression through the roof and my filter out the window. Not good when I am in the middle of a long-distance fight with people I love very much. I said some really hurtful things.I hate being an asshole. I hate that Benadryl removes my ability not to be. And I have no one to cry to about it so here I am. I mean, I apologized but like... What good does that do? I am still a horrible person. I fucking hate Benadryl.",Depression +8496,"I moved to a new country and I came here with my close friend. The few people I knew here once I landed were her classmates and I did not click with them, I did not like their vibe, their overbearing nature, maybe I did not like that they were so extroverted. (My friend had the same thoughts about them but did not do anything because they were her classmates) And so naturally, it showed and they do not like me back, which did not affect me because they are not my friends and I do not interact with them in any part of my life. However, now it has gotten to a point where I have become a laughing stock in her group, they talk shit about me, make jokes on me, TO MY FRIEND and she laughs and agrees with them. My friend is known to be gullible, people have told her that, she knows it but it makes me extremely gutted that she feels the way she does. I also read messages where she told one of her friends that she is getting irritated by me. She told the same friend, who is also her fuck buddy, ""what if I turn into her? You tend to become the person you live with. If I did, would you still talk to me?"" and so on. we have just moved to this place, we had plans to explore this new country and do a lot of stuff but now that I have read about all of this, I do not know how to react. I do not want to confront her because I feel that is always backfired with me as I am not good with words when I am angry and I might say something irreversible plus it is going to make living together difficult and I have no plans/interest in moving out, we have had to struggle alot find this place. My childhood friend does not like me :)",Depression +8497,"My psychiatrist will not test me for ADHD despite the fact that I have sooooo many of the symptoms of inattentive ADHD in adult women. If I do not have it, does that just mean I am stupid and incapable of taking care of myself for no reason? I would love to go see another doctor, but I am about to lose my insurance August 1st because I no longer qualify with the job I got back in March. Despite the fact that I cannot pay for my chronic pancreatitis medication out of pocket even with this new job. The ironic thing is that I am probably going to lose this job because of how often I have to call off work with the illnesses that I need my insurance for. I do not know what to do anymore. I have been trapped in an endless cycle of quitting jobs and getting new ones because of my mental and physical health for years. And I am so so tired of fighting with my own brain and body to try to convince it just to fucking function normally so I can at least meet the bare minimum of societal requirements of yknow, paying rent. I am really at the end of my rope. I feel like I have no options left. I want to kill myself just so I can stop being a burden to the people I love and so I can stop feeling so goddamn miserable all the time. If you have any suggestions, I am all ears. Otherwise, this might be my last post.TL;DR I do not feel like I have any options left, and I might just end things. I am so tired. Idk what to do anymore",Suicidal +8498,"I am 24/M living in Parents' house. My dad has dreams about business and he thinks I am the guy who is going to complete those dreams. I never did a job anywhere. So, I have poor work ethic. I do not know how to spend like literally I live on things I only need becuase that is how I brought up. On the other hand my brother, dad and mom spend lot of money on things which I would not have bought because I am conditioned in that way. Even if I want something important but expensive thing I would convince myself that it is not needed and would go for cheaper alternative.To conclude, I do not have good work ethic, I feel guilty everytime I 'overspend', I am 24 yo useless guy (Not to mention ugly), I do not think I can do business, and there are lot of expectations from family and Girlfriend. I do not even know if I am depressed because since last 9 years, all I have done is live in a bubble and that bubble is now bursting. Will feel lucky if I died in sleep",Depression +8499,"I already posted this on other subreddit but I got not answer, so here I go again: First of all, I want to say that I am a huge ignorant about depression and anxiety, plus my mind feels foggy so I cannot think straight at the moment. I am a 27 year old female, happily married for almost one year. I moved to the USA 3 years ago by myself and I have not seen my parents/ family/ old friends since. I also got to say that I have always been a melancholic type of person. I experienced lots of new emotions when I moved here, with the cultural shock and having to properly learn English, and find a new way to make friends has been hard. I was super social and extroverted back in my home country, and here that has been slowly changing. I feel shy with a new group of people and I just rather be at home. Its been a few months since I started to feel way more stressed and anxious. I never felt anxious before, until covid and all that shit started to happen. there is some days when I feel so sad, and I just want to lay in bed and cry. The feeling comes and goes, Id say it happens around 4 or 5 times a month. But this last week just got worse, I really feel sad everyday, I feel a hole on my chest and I sob and cry uncontrollably. I believe I do not have a reason to be sad, I have honestly a great relationship with my husband, hes super supportive and hes always there for me. I was never homesick until covid (my dad got sick and I could not see him, but hes all better and doing great) I video call them every week. My husband and I are moving in a month and were both very excited about it. We both have good jobs.I have this terrible thoughts about everyone dying, including myself. Is almost as if my own brain was trying to make me sad on purpose. I try to stop the thoughts and think of something positive but they always come back. I distract myself watching a movie but as soon as it ends I go back at crying. I have always been very self conscious and I am not very comfortable with my body, but I never had issues with my husband before.Yesterday, we tried to get intimate and while kissing I just started crying and could not stop until past 10 pm. I am literally crying while typing this. I do not know If I am depressed or I have an hormonal unbalance, if its just anxiety build up. I am so tired of feeling this way and I cannot wait to be my normal self again. Any advice is appreciated. I am not sure I am I am depressed?",Depression +8500,"You were mostly fine yesterday and now you are like, ""uh how 'bout I start being a bastard again"". Just shut up shut up! How do I at least get temporary relief from my stupid fucking brain? Fucking hell brain",Suicidal +8501,A few moments of happiness are not worth all the suffering in the long run. Some days are good overall but most of the time they are not. It is just not worth it to go through all that shit only to get a little bit of happiness if any at all. No amount of happiness will ever be worth it. it is just not worth it,Suicidal +8502,"It has become nearly impossible for me to relate to the normal things that orher people have and take for granted everyday. I do not feel human anymore because I cannot relate to or connect with anything that people say anymore. All I see is everyone elee living their lives while I have been stuck in the same position for years with no help. Whenever I see a couple togerher it really effects me because I have never had anything like that and I realized that other people do not care what you are goinf through, as long as they feel good they are content to ignore you. I am almost 29 now and I have never been in a real relationship in my life. People have always treated me differently. I watched as the years went by and everyone else in my family found a partner and got married. While other people found love I was here alone and I still am. This entire situation has had a terrible impact on my mental state. These days all I find myself doing is wasting the road at it my limited time and sleeping. When everyone else talks about their interests and hobbies all I can think of is oh that is nice, I wish I could afford to go out and do fun things. But since I do not have any money I can only have hobbies that are free such as writing and reading. It saddens me to no end how other people are held above us and used as a form of social capital. Its unreal how much those in power have completely ruined the natural interactions that humans used to have. Almost every single way that people interact these days is twisted and unnatural. Humans were never meant to live this way, but for some reason we continue to, day after day, much to our own dismay. Sometimes I feel this world is nothing but a nightmare when I think about the past and how people used to act. People were not always this way, but they act like there is no other alternative or other ways to live. All of these things going on within society and the interactions between us have caused my heart to become harder over the years. I used to be a sensitive person who felt a range of emotions and I used to be able to get excited about things. Now I feel like a broken person, I do not feel much anymore except extreme despair and sadness which eventually feels like nothing after a while. It is great how everyone else gets to continue to live their lives and experience all these things that people take for granted, while my life declines and gets worse everyday. Every day just gets worse for me. cannot relate to others anymore",Depression +8503,"I am struggling right now with a lot of issues: Stage IV cancer, depression, stopping drinking, and a marriage that has gone off the rails...I am the only one in my house with a job and I have a pretty high paying, management position. Right now, my husband is really frustrated that I am not taking the time to spend with him, talk with him...be a ""wife"". I frankly am at the end of my rope on all sides...on one hand, I feel like I may regret not focusing on this and making the marriage my first priority, but honestly, I am so tired! I just want space to heal myself and feel better. I am honestly starting to be so angry all the time from feeling so much pressure to be more, give more, stop being selfish.we have discussed having me get my own place to give me the space I need and I want that but at the same time it feels like just another step to losing this marriage. healing within a dysfunctional marriage",Depression +8504,"Recently my boyfriends ex threatened suicide and the wave of emotions that washed over me was almost too much. I grew up in a very abusive household where my sister and I were both physically beat and emotionally abused. I had the added bonus of being sexually abused. From a very young age we learned to fear our father and his moods. I can recall my mom attempting suicide multiple times when I was growing up. I can vividly remember seeing her in the shower with her clothes still on and my dad trying to get her to throw up.Ill never forget the nights my sister had to spend in the hospital after her attempt, she came very close to succeeding. My attempt was much more low key but it was there. Thank god my best friend told a school counselor, he literally saved my life. Of course therapy was never an option, we had to maintain the appearance of a happy family, no one could know what went on behind closed doors. I am not sure where I am going with this. All these images and memories keep popping up in my head. I thought I had dealt with the trauma that was my younger years already. I guess my therapist and I still have work to do. All the women in my family have attempted suicide",Depression +8505,"So this is a post that I have been meaning to make for a while. I suppose you could call this an adjustment disorder. I realize now that the career I so loved is not going to work out for me.And it is too late to reasonably switch.I have been looking at the balcony recently more and more. There are people working outside so it would not be a good time to make the move now. What do I tell my family? My friends? Do I just say goodbye? Tell them how much I appreciated their love and kindness? There are days where I have felt good recently, but it is fleeting. I have literally failed badly in the prior weeks due to this depression in my residency, effectively closing the door on a subspecialty I think I would have enjoyed. Now I am stuck - likely not going to get a job in an area or in a hospital that I will remotely enjoy. After a decade and a half of my life, 12-14 hour days and intense, emotional stress. This is it.I supposed I should be grateful. I do have a loving family. A loving girlfriend. My best friend lives in Vancouver, he checks in from time to time. My sister recently visited and it was very nice seeing her.I did a trial of therapy. She gave me breathing exercises and some CBT to help cope with these negative thoughts. However, at the end of the day, none of that is going to change the situation I am in. I could have had so much more. I will always think that in the back of my mind at work. I know this about myself. it is going to drive me crazy. I gave up so much to be where I am at today. I supposed this is a spoiled, comparative mindset that is truly unhealthy. I should be glad to be making a top income in the US. I have the ability to subspecialize and impact people's lives in a nice way. But I fucked up. Royally.This is not a goodbye. I know I will likely not end it today. But I will give it a few months, I do not see this lasting long for me. Probably not a good idea to post this to my main account so I will move this to my throwaway from years ago.Thanks for reading. I have not felt anything positive in a long time. Feels like there is a weight attached to my eyelids and it is hard to truly FEEL. I love my girlfriend, I love my family, my dog, my friends. I truly do. But I cannot feel it. I cannot feel anything in the past few weeks to months. it is hard to keep going like this. physician suicide",Suicidal +8506,"I have no right to be depressed. Over the past decade, I have fixed my life, mostly. I went to college, got my degree, got a great job with fantastic co-workers... But that does not take away from the fact that I did in my 40s what I *should* have done in my 20s.I am looking back at a wasted life and seeing things that I will never achieve now. Getting married? Having kids? Pft... I did not do it in the past because I was not going to subject anybody to the immature shitshow that was my life, and I am not doing it now because I do not want to subject anybody to the immature depression that is my life. My meds are helping me to not break down crying on a regular basis, but they do not take away the hard truth that my life is almost over *and it was wasted*.Starting my life so late is also putting me in the wrong peer group. The friends that I had from high school until my mid-40s are no longer a part of my life. Right now, my very best friend is nearly half my age. All of my co-workers are also young Millennials. Some are even Gen Z. My belief structures are more Millennial than Gen X, as are my interests. I am currently watching Avatar and She-ra, for fucks' sake. :(Funny thing? I am not suicidal. I have a crippling fear of death. Non-existence just scares the hell out of me. I just want more time... Or to take back what I wasted. My co-workers accept me and include me in their social lives, but I cannot help but think that I am just some creepy old guy hanging out with kids... Kids in their mid-to-late 20s, but still. We get along, our interests are the same... But I do not belong. Then again, I also do not belong with most of Gen X either. I am just a fucking mess right now and need to vent. Sorry for wasting your time :( I am turning 50 in a few days and I am depressed as f*** about how I have wasted my life",Depression +8507,"I had a job interview today, it went like shit. My anxiety kicked in, and I did not make the best impression. I have not worked in months, I have no money but my savings that will not last until another 2 months. I live at home with my aunt and uncle because my mother is an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. I finished my nursing pre requisites finally after failing 2x. I will soon apply to a online one because its easy and I cannot get into any other. Sometimes I forget to eat, sometimes I sleep all day. I deal with my depression daily, staying in a relationship that is barley hanging by a thread. I have no friends. I am alone, I have hit rock bottom. I do not see any purpose for me, although I keep trying I never have any good outcomes. I stay in the same place, same mental state. Some days it gets better and some days its miserable. I just turned 24. I have no idea what I am doing. 24F",Depression +8508,everybody is temporary I am so numbnothing is actually wrong at the momentbut i always find something to be sad about.I am still obsessing over a guy i met online 8 months ago n we have not even talked in 4 months.i do not even want to be in a relationship because if i get attached they will hurt me and leave.but i do not want to be alone.life seems so hopeless.i do not feel enough.i just want to go back to nothing.wish i never existed.i do not have anybody.yet I am still suffering.what can i do?????? i really do not want to exist so alone,Suicidal +8509,"Hello. After having a quite long psychotic episode, I have been struggling with really bad depression. Even now when my meds do not naturally repress the ""happy"" processes in my brain, I still struggle a lot. Using one mental health app to read helpful things and doing household tasks here and there is something that helps me feel better. If you had a similar experience, can you share what things help the situation for you? What eases post-psychotic depression for you?",Depression +8510,"I do not even know where to begin. I do not want to die but I do not want to be alive either. I have called and talked to someone on the suicide hotline twice this week. When she asked if I was suicidal I just started balling and crying saying I do not know. I know that people love me and I do not want to hurt anyone. I do not think I would actually act on anything. But its still difficult to have the constant battles in my head. Its hard to wake up and my chest hurts, then continues to be heavy for the rest of the day. I have been trying to distract my mind. Be around those that love me. But God its so hard. I just cannot help but think what if I feel like this forever? I read a thread about people who left suicide notes behind and just scrolled and cried. I do not even know what I am asking for by posting this. All I know is its hard to feel like this everyday Lonely",Suicidal +8511,"Is been a while since i posted and left the things halfways. I explained how I was forced to quit from a well paying work and have been unable to recover economically since. I have severe trust issues now and have become very bitter and cynical. Last time I also told you about how i started wandering alone afterwork looking for troubles until i was finally assaulted and went so far as to goad my aggressor to pull the trigger on me. So I started therapy. I was still being somewhat supported by both my exs, one helped me find a place to stay and try to recover enough to find a job again and the other one lend me her shoulder and listened to me whenever she could, i was grateful for that. Then the therapist made me realize a few things. First of all that i was right to be depressed, my story was harsh, and she was amazed i went for so many years without looking for help. I told her that i already do things to stave off depressions since i sculpt, write and do digital art as a hobby, but lately that was not enough, i felt and i still feel like i do not get joy from it anymore. She suggested we started with telling her about myself, about my relation with my family, with my friends, etc. So it turned out that i was not only depressed but had repressed over 20 years of anger, since i always acted as a mediator or a problem solver, i barely ever let out my anger be shown. I have adandomnent issues because of a very traumatic episode that ocurred when i was five and is something that keeps on dragging with both my ex's leaving me at some point, although both cases were amiable enough i got hurt and moved on or tried to move on. This feels like senseless ramble, sorry. So i quited my job on the call center. I move cities again and had to stop seeing my therapist because of money being short. I started working at a winestore and i kept bashing my head against the boss's. He was an idiot. I also understood that i have a very difficult time working with people face to face. I am not only assertive but also quick to lash out against costumers and the boss if i feel atacked somehow. I left the place after a year, they did not fire me because even though all the fights, i was a good worker, and one of the few that did not quit after 2 weeks of work because of it being too hard. I left on my own volition after a discussion about the contract, and since i was a petty jerk y waited enough to time my quitting with the holydays, so bossman would have to cover my absence himself. Just after quitting, i got on a fight with a close friend, and my landlord decided to evict me just because. Actually i know the reason but since the place was offered by a ""friend"", i took it at something they would go ""backsies"" later on. Trust issues, man. Since i was getting evicted i stopped looking for a job, took my stuff and returned to my folks places, which does not make me happy. I was wanting to burn my savings on the therapy again but i felt bad about using money while not having a job, then covid came and jobs became more difficult to get. One of my ex's finally decided to push me into drawing lewds for commission. It was an old idea i never truly tried because I am not comfortable about it, is not something i like. But my regular art never got attention. With her help i created a super corny/girly/nonethreatening handler for deviant and off i went to draw shit for other people. She just asked me to never show her the stuff, and i could comply with that since i m not comfortable letting anyone else that i know see it, although close friends have been warned. I started to get some traffic, with it some commissions. I started saving money again, and thought of calling my therapist again to see how we could work into improving myself or my life, since i ve never stopped having suicidal thoughts. Then my ex let me know that she was having a hard time being there for me, she made me feel as a liability and cut contact with me completely. And i had a meltdown, she had been my closest friend through the whole ordeal and now she leaves. So instead of calling my therapist to improve myself, i tell her i feel miserable, wronged, sad, and still want to die. I want the pain to stop, I am more scared of keep hurting than of died, a week before a roof almost fell over me and i did not even react. I am numb to that, but i do not like hurting I am tired of that. I am tired of this, so why should i drag this on? And now I also understand that I feel emotionally alone, and even if a stop feeling hurt, that will not change easily. TLDR: random rant and followup to last post. My world just got smaller (follow up)",Suicidal +8512,"I have had severe seasonal depression over the last three years and this year- this winter it did not appear, so I thought that I beat it. But last week I had a feeling that reminded me of the nightmare that I thought was over. And it came back 10x stronger. I was completely fine. Even adderall was not able to help or clear my mind of this fog. I am really really afraid, because this time I will not be able to fight it or to wait for it to clear. I just need hope, i want to go back,not everyting was perfect before, but this complete ego death, no self worth, weakness, brain fog is just unbearable. Also, I am still using my meds as I was in the depressed state: zoloft, adderall(very low dose) and quetiapine(also low) Please tell me it is not comming back",Depression +8513,Soo umm i am a 15 year old studying in 11th (I know its pretty young) and was wondering what to do..I actually am pretty confused what to do I am not afraid to die but even if i die someday i wish it to be quick. After surfing through internet and much more I came to a realization that only studies matter in this world..If you cannot study your life can never be secure and you will face hardships. The constant nagging from parents to study and them always pointing out faults criticising us...(My parents are actually good it is just that on studies things happen.. they do not beat me but those petty fights and unknowingly pressurising me)I many a times get lecture from them about how important is future and why i need to work hard for the upcoming years. The fact is that i know it pretty well but i cannot find the motivation in doing it.. I love my family a lot it is just that( I am sorry its very complicated to explain) I do not even know why i am writing this post. I am just unsure what to do I do not want to commit suicide or anything as i know it will devastate the family and i also have a little brother whose life i do not want to ruin by dying I change topics very quickly as you can see by reading this post Its just like i do not know my true feelings..my true selfI am not able to concentrate right now and just umm never mindmy mind is going wobble Uncertain About Life,Suicidal +8514,"So many people post here. you are lucky if you get more than one comment. A lot of the time people just upvote and do not even say anything and that is if your post is popular. Normal posts have the opposite problem. Maybe a few comments but no upvotes. Oh well. I do not know maybe this post is stupid. I am probably wrong, I usually am. I just know that every time I come here, because I want to be with people that get it, I end up disappointed. And its ironic. Because this community is here so that we do not feel alone. But it honestly never helps me. Yet I come back. Either to leave a comment, to reach out to someone I relate to, or to a make a post that I delete immediately. All of which pretty much leads to more nothing. More loneliness. So yeah I just had to say that. And obviously none of you guys will even see this. But I hope that whoever does has an okay day. I am still trying to learn to celebrate the ok days, myself. Because those are my new good days now. I do not have good days anymore, but that is okay. I am trying to get by without doing anything to hurt myself or the people around me. If I manage to do that, then my day was okay and that is good. Too bad, when it rarely happens, its still never enough. But at least its better than the bad days. Posting here to try to feel better is almost as futile as living.",Suicidal +8515,"Without writing an essay i feel like my recent depression (spanning over about 3-4 months) has completely been eroding away my personality (recently I have stated to feel a sensation i would describe as numbness)I can still easily interact socially and do the essentials (work, college, etc) but my experience while doing these recently seems to be different to how it was when i did not have depression.Does anyone else experience this sort of thing, a slight decrease in a Sense of reality or you just do not feel like yourself at all.My theory is i seem to be living in my head way more, and my negative thoughts are affecting All areas in my life now. Man it sucks How to recover from personality erosion",Depression +8516,My son you were suffering from the disease #Fibromyalgia which is not diagnosed and no treatment of this in the entire world. #Fibromyalgia,Suicidal +8517,Why are we forced to do this and that in schoolWhy does it existWhy are we forced for what we do not want to doWho are these random people pressurising meAm I living my life or is someone else living my life I need advice from not going insane,Depression +8518,"there is a plethora of ways I could kill myself at this moment, many of which would be pretty painless. Or at least, I would not be in the right mind to feel the pain if I were to commit.But I cannot do it.Is it fear? Is it that I still want to live? Nothing actually seems particularly wrong with my life, so is it just a phase? Am I trying to be edgy? I do not know. I am not even focusing on what the title of the post says, I just wanted to write something.Also just realized that I might have imposter syndrome, which is fun.I feel like I am just fucking things up for myself despite having everything I need around me. I feel like I do not deserve to contemplate suicide because other people have gone through actual, real pain. I am at a time where I should be finding focus, where I should be giving it my all, but everything I have done up until this point feels pointless and I feel I will never achieve what I want even if I tried now. I hate myself making things so much harder than it needs to be. And I hate myself for not even trying to make it better for myself. Can this even be called being suicidal? I do not know. I might be overreacting. But at the same time I want to die. I do not want to turn 18. But I am turning 18 soon and I do not know if I want to just end it before I have to face becoming an adult or if I should try to survive by then because I know that there is still a chance to improve. This is just a full on rant, no one's going to read this. I want to talk to someone, but I do not know if I can trust them. I am afraid to find out what would happen if people knew that I have these thoughts. Would my friends and family still love me? Would they see me differently? Where do we go when we die? Do we get reborn when we die? If I were to die, would ""I"" ever feel the sensation of having control over body and thought again? Is it worth finding out? Should I try now? Or would it just be endless nothingness forever for me? it is fucking cold. I have a hoodie on, but my body feels like there is chills all over it. I do not know who I am anymore. I spent my whole life buried in textbooks and nothing else and now I am crumbling under the expectation that I have to apply for uni, whether they will even accept me, why I did not do anything in the past few fucking months I had to do something about this worry. I am scared I am going to disappoint everyone, because I know I made them all believe in me. But now I feel like I am going to betray them by either fucking things up for myself or just ending it all. I do not want to sleep, and I do not want to wake up. I do not want to fail, but I just want to end it all. Who decided that life had to be this confusing? Who decided to give me this fucking brain that thinks these thoughts? I am scared to find out if I would actually kill myself before my birthday. it is only a little bit away. I do not want to put that burden on my family. I know that they love me. I love them. I am fortunate enough to have them around when I cry, so I do not know why I am even having these thoughts. I do not deserve to be like this. I wish I spent my time doing at least something else. Maybe then I would have a better idea of what life is about. Of whether or not my worries are even important. Whether I deserve to cry.This was a long rant. I doubt that one can even form a reply to this. I just wish I could pick something and stick to it - either try and give it my all or decide to end it all now. Why is death so attractive yet scary?",Suicidal +8519,If I go to mental health and seek help for depression will they discharge me from active duty? I only ask because I want to commission after this enlistment and would not want to ruin my chances. Military members,Depression +8520,"I am 21, have bpd, and hate my life. I have no friends, no money, and no will to live for anything. All old friends and exes in the past left me and I have no interest in finding new people. I have a horrible family life that is too long to explain. I just cannot find any joy or happiness in life and feel I have not since I was a kid. My sister killed herself when I was 19 and that was the thing that killed me inside. I have been dead ever since. I do not know what to do anymore. I really want to end things but I want my family to die first so it will not hurt them. I am 100% alone and truly have no one. Reading these posts helps, but I just wish I did not exist anymore. Everyday is painful. I just want to know if its really true that people can come out of this. I want friends, a boyfriend, and a happy life but I cannot seem to have it. I am already dead inside",Depression +8521,I am here all alone and nobody seems to care that I am sad everyday. I just want someone to talk to,Depression +8522,"I will not be able to experience what normal people do, yet I get to suffer a thousand times more. Every day. I waste my life knowing I waste it and I will not get this dream life I thought my life was going to be like the first 26 years I spent on this life.I am currently 27, about to hit 28 and I found out last September right before I was going to turn 27 that I had a mild autism. 5 years prior to that I got epilepsy and I have been isolated from severe social anxiety and depression since 2011, which is the year I was diagnosed with ADD. While born with a stutter.I grew up thinking only my stutter was the only thing holding me back yet I felt like a fucking freak. A mistake of nature. But that I was going to at least satisfy my interest in cars by driving them, have me & my friends journey life together, go to parties, live my teens like a teen, have girlfriends, have a job and not have anything stand in my way apart from a bit of a bump in my speech. But that was not the case. At all. I have always been this very mute, socially awkward guy everybody is scared of. Until they talk to me and find out I am not that bad. But with my inability to read so much socially I have to rely on others to start the conversation.This autism answers many questions. There are a lot of things I do not understand with this world when it comes to the social stuff. it is just so damn frustrating, because even if I want to be social and have friends I just do not fucking know how to do it. I am so out of touch with so much on the internet despite fucking being isolated on it for 10 fucking years. Been so damn scared of social stuff that I have just played singleplayer games and watched a few youtube channels over and over and over because discovering stuff is also so damn... scary somehow. Everything just falls down and confuses me. Fucking everything. I get the impressions and how you should think to crash with each other. To name a few, you should not be mainstream while being against mainstream is considered bad. do not be casual and to be hardcore can sometimes be cringey. I am just so confused so when I pick on youtube channels, music artists and such I pick from groups of people I follow that I think are not mainstream/casual and not edgy but in the middle and go from who they know. And how people find these in the middle or edgy people are so confusing to me. Same with everything ""internet""/meme. Always wondered that. I feel so outside, so lacking in everything. And in these 10 years I have made so much progress outside with my social anxiety but I keep failing and making it the other way when it comes to online. Multiplayer games are pretty much impossible. It feels as if I was not meant for this world",Depression +8523,I hate my life. I just want to die but every way feels so painful. I am so useless. I do not even family or friends. If my own parents did not want me why would anyone else. Off topic though has anyone had an increase of body fluids after overdose? Idk why but after i threw up my waa wet and my nose was runny. That did not happen the first time so I am wondering if its some kind of side effect. I was just about to kill myself but decided to throw the medicine up,Suicidal +8524,"Been in the fog for a few days. Things just seem to add up and overwhelm. Anyways just grabbed my son and went for a 10 mile bike ride at lunch. Came home, showered, ate a light lunch and back to work feeling pretty good for the first time in a few days. Tiny victory",Depression +8525,I have been feling depressed for a while now some days i do not have the energy or motivation to do anything but I am not sure if it is depression or I am just very sad . (sorry if any mistakes I am romanian) How do yau know if you have depression?,Depression +8526,"I just need some support. I am dealing with a lot of stupid shit, and it is piling up again. The worst of my problems is a head injury from over 3 years ago that is still fucking up my day to day basis. I get exhausted easily (mentally and physically), I cannot remember shit, I am always in pain unless I take my prescribed drugs or drink, and now people have been making me feel bad about it. There is nothing I can do. I am seeing a neurologist Friday. But right now, I just need uplifting words. Please. I am so depressed today",Depression +8527,"Seems once the antidepressant builds up in my system it just makes my productivity worse. Before meds I would have bad days and good days with most days being a mix but on meds it just seems to dull the highs and the lows and I am just in a consistently low state. All I would have to do in the past is wait for the depressive period to pass but now I just feel so out if it. I went from things having little satisfaction to them nearly having none, it made me cut some bad habits but I have no motivation for anything now. I lost interest in music, video games, social media and more. On meds I just lay in bed and maybe watch a movie at best to pass the time waiting for the depressive period to pass but on the meds it never actually does pass. it is obvious I have some form of imbalance but the meds have such a profound effect on me and change me on such a fundamental level. They change some things for the better and others for the worse but ultimately it is just different, not better. I have tried sertaline, fluoxetine, venlafaxine. I am assuming raising Sert is making my dopamine drop making my apathy worse. Curious if anyone else has experienced this. Feeling worse on medication",Depression +8528,Now you are somebody that I use to know. 19372917,Suicidal +8529,"I really hate this world. Look at the news you will ONLY see suffering and pain. The only time I will get some drops of happiness is when I take drugs and I know very well that is not the way. 90% of people are pieces of shits. Sometimes I just hope that I when I sleep that I will not wake up. I always thought I am not depressed because I am not sad, but I am actually not feeling anything at all I am dull. The years of of heavy drug abuse left me scarred and its hard to accept but its the truth. The society that we all live in is pure bullshit and I hate almost everyone I know to some degree. I am always wearing a mask when I am with my friends and they would never know I am feeling like this. Fuck the world and everyone. Just some venting",Depression +8530,I am not able to do anything right. And I have no perspective that I will have a happy future. I think that my shit childhood was the best I will ever get from life.My house is a complete mess. I am not doing well at my job. My social life does not exist. My health got bad and I am getting fat because of bad eating habits.I am so tired of it all. I want to just disappear. I wish there was an instantly and painless way of just stop existing,Depression +8531,I am having so many issues trying to find a job that i can feel okay doing. I have quit two different jobs in the last months because my anxiety takes over. I am not sure if i need to find something part time. Maybe a work from home job would be best but i do not have any experience for that. Anyone else suffering like this? And has anyone got something they are able to do? Holding down a job,Suicidal +8532,37.795120 -122.44502037.794440 -122.43321037.793690 -122.404460,Suicidal +8533,Hi my name is Nick and I just turned 18 on July 23rd I just started college and I do not know what to do with my life. I am crying as I am writing this I cannot believe I am this low in my life. I am know as the happy guy wherever I go. I go to therapist sessions but I cannot get everything out. I just put a facade over everything I cannot take it I refuse to believe I am depressed because I do not want people to think I am faking it or for them to take it as a joke. I have one friend that actually cares about me I do not even know for sure but I like to think so. I do not know what to do with my life. I hate being here and I hate everyone I just want to be dead but I want to be alive. I hate this because I know I do not have the balls to kill myself but I so badly want to do it. I want to watch all the shows that I want to watch and be with my friend. But I cannot take it I try talking to people but it does not work I do not know what to do. I am so desperate for something to happen I do not know what. How do I get this please help I cannot take it,Suicidal +8534,"I have told my boyfriend that I am going through a really rough patch and am feeling low and basically grumpy. Trouble is he keeps trying to cheer me up by being silly and playful which is sweet, but I keep telling him today is not the day. That I am sorry but I am just not going to be much fun today. He keeps on till I get irritable and snappy then hes like 'whoa someone is a grumpy boy today' it is like 'yes I fucking told you I am going to be a grump. Can you just let me be low today. I do not want to try and play happy. I want to rest and I cannot fo that pretending I am all happy. I wish sometimes people would listen more to what we are saying and not do what they think will help. Stop trying to cheer us up, sometimes it is just worse.",Depression +8535,(Sorry if any mistakes I am romanian ) I have a problem I am depressed and I am homeschooled I am a little behaind whit my school work I want to catch up this summer but i cannot find any energy or motivation to study any advice?,Depression +8536,"Idk if its the right sub for this but currently I am fucking depressed because I am withdrawing from a drug, yeah addict lifestyle. I am with my family right now should be happy but I am not. When I think about I do not even remember the last time I was truly happy. This is been going on for years and the withdrawal only makes it worse. People think I am lazy and do not want to do anything but that is simply not true. I have goals too that I want to reach but sometimes things get too much. I am surely not as depressed as some of you I just needed to let this out once since I cannot/will not tell anyone. Severely depressed because of withdrawal",Depression +8537,"I am not even sure what is real anymore. I feel like I am trapped inside of a bad dream, begging to wake up. I do not remember what normal feels like, I just know the pain and the emptiness. it is been like this for eleven years, I cannot take it anymore. I think I am too far gone",Suicidal +8538,i literally cannot there is just too much happening in my life atm and i genuinely do not want to be here anymore that is why i take 6 painkillers to slowly wear out my insides I am just so fed up with everything and everyone i cannot do it anymore,Suicidal +8539,"I am just waiting that someone texts me, so i do not need to kill myself. Letter is written and everything prepared.. Waiting",Suicidal +8540,"it is been a bad year for me, it started back in December when I ruined my relationship and lost my job, but I kept going. I had a new job the next week and I was going through the motions, staying busy. Then in February I had an accident at work and I have not been the same since. I have been to multiple doctors visits and lots of physical therapy but I am still not better. My job offered me a ""light duty"" position (sitting in a corner alone staring at a wall) and I did that for a few months hoping I would get better. I have not healed, I am still going through physical therapy and I feel useless. About a month and a half ago I gave up, I stopped going to work and I have probably left my house maybe 5 times for supplies other than that I have been in bed. I have no motivation to get anything done, I have no drive. This is all new to me, I do not feel anything really. I am not sad, I just have never been one to not do anything I have been active my whole life. I am not sure what this is, idk how to snap myself out of this and get back on track. Sometimes it hits me hard and I see what I have become but for the most part I am completely numb. I am going to end up homeless soon if I do not get it together, bills are piling up but even that will not motivate me. Idk if I am even posting in the right sub or not, I just had to get this out. I am not sure but I think I may be depressed",Depression +8541,"i have schizophrenia and i feel very isolated. i have been reading the stories in this reddit thing and it makes me sad but also relieves me that there are plenty others who feel that their time is near. this may sound a bit morbid, but maybe sometimes we do not need to live. maybe we do not have a choice if we are born but we should have a choice to end it if we so desire. trouble is that if the attempt does not work you are at risk of being institutionalized. and the truth is those facilities, or at least the ones I have been in are far from therapeutic. i wish i could be a normal person with a normal brain, who does not think of dying and the ways in which to do so almost if not all day. is there anyone who feels the same? i find myself to be cowardly nowadays when it comes down to doing what i need to do. i think that is because i have attempted and failed so many times. anyway, i hope this message reaches somebody out there. thanks. hi i just wanted to say something",Suicidal +8542,"here is the cycle:1) Start feeling suicidal.2) Seek help.3) Get on some new meds and go to therapy.4) Start feeling better, start getting interested in stuff, start enjoying life. Start new projects. This time I am going to accomplish something!5) Meds start wearing off, therapy no longer helps.6) Get depressed. Lose interest in everything.7) Start feeling suicidal. Repeat!What the fuck? How long does this last, exactly? How does anyone else devote their entire fucking lives to particular disciplines or occupations or projects? And why the fuck cannot I maintain interest in anything for longer than a couple weeks without descending back into apathy and anhedonia? Why the fuck cannot I maintain interest in anything?",Depression +8543,37.795120 -122.44502037.794440 -122.43321037.793690 -122.404460rot in pieces i'llbe seeing you soon.,Suicidal +8544,I am 13 and I do not want to live anymore I just cannot take this pressure I do not want to live anymore,Suicidal +8545,Hi my name is Nick I just turned 18 on the 23rd of July I just started college and I do not know what to do with my life . I am crying as I am writing this I cannot believe I am this low in my life. I am know as the happy guy everywhere i go. I go to therapist sessions but I cannot get everything out. I just put a facade over everything I cannot take it I refuse to believe I am depressed because I do not want people to think I am faking it or them take is a joke. I have one friend that actually cares about me I do not even know for sure but I like to think so.I do not know what to do with my life I hate being here I hate everyone I just want to be dead but I want to be alive. I hate this because I know I do not have the balls to kill myself but I so badly want to do it. I want to watch all the shows that I want to watch I want to be with my friend. But I cannot take it I try talking to people but It does not work I do not know what to do. I am so desperate for something to happen I do not know what. How do I get over this please help I cannot take it,Depression +8546,I am asking because I do not see any. what is the purpose of life?,Suicidal +8547,I did attempt but did not go through with it. But now my family is moving across the country and I cannot go without it being harmful to what I have going on. I cannot live with my family because it is unhealthy but I am terrified of the thought of being alone here and trapped especially when the people I think are friends are not even talking to me so I think they hate me and I really am alone and I an thinking about cancelling tomorrow's mild surgery to kill myself everything hurts it hurts because my mom says all these kind sounding things but she does not really mean them and everything hurts and I am at work but i can barely function or talk to customers today My life keeps crumbling,Suicidal +8548,"I do not even know what is wrong anymore, it is all just such a spiral and I do not know how to untangle this shitty mess. I am trans and cannot receive care because terf island shit and I ask too many questions about treatment or something idk the private healthcare facility I was going to go with just aired me. I feel like I cannot communicate with anyone and I do not know if I have undiagnosed autism or if I am just so socially anxious at this point after the last relationship I had (6+ years ago) called me a rapist and got me socially outcast by entire school (including the faculty) meaning they withdrew my mental health treatment and let me drown in my studies and blamed me for not pulling myself together but if I get angry at her I am violent so I definitely did it and if I do not then it must be true because no sane person would be okay with being called that. I had two guys try and beat on me as I was ordering drinks at my local for being a weird rapist freak and now I am banned for life for retaliating and everyone that was there definitely thinks its true. So I ran, I am in Spain, and the anxiety followed me, and no one understands me (small town, 70% English, everyone speaks it) and I feel like people interpret any confidence as arrogance and my sorrow as pity seeking and I do not even know if my family believe me when I tell them it is not true. I tried anti anxiety medication but the UK crisis team are now adamant I am a junkie after I said the medication was not working and I needed something stronger, and the first batch they gave me ran out 3 weeks ago and I cannot get more because private health care is more than I can afford and I cannot keep nipping back to the UK like the flights will not cost me 150 especially after my work halfed my wages because I have been signed off for 4 months and they probably think I am just calling it in to get more out of them and I know that is not even everything because in amongst all of it I became a shitty person and have real deep regrets about pain and scars I have left people with because I could not deal with my own shit and its all so overwhelming and I cannot get anything together or talk about it with anyone because the best I can do is a stupid rollercoaster word salad that is wildly out of chronological order like this and I just want to press reset but that does not exist so maybe I should just follow the light Webbed",Suicidal +8549,"Now no one love me and need me. it is all my fault, I always mad, lazy and being an asshole to everyone. The last person that love me is now hating on me after a fight. Now I am unloved and I deserve it, I should never exist in this world. Worth it",Suicidal +8550,My depression is only getting worse. I feel like everyone in my life has given up on me and I think I have given up on me too. I wish I had the guts to just end my life right now. So sick and tired of living,Depression +8551,My depression is only getting worse. I feel like everyone in my life has not given up on me and I think I have given up on me too. I wish I had the guts to end my life right now. No point anymore,Depression +8552,"I am ready to go. I do not want to be here anymore. I just want to figure out what the least painful way to do it would be. Slitting my wrists, hanging myself, overdosing on pills or jumping off a bridge Trying to figure out the most painless way to check out",Suicidal +8553,"I am tired of life, I am shy, cannot talk to people by holding eye contact, cannot drive, cannot travel alone, cannot use maps. I do not want to live. I am near to suicide than ever. I wish I had some sort of cancer, it would have made me really happy. I am near to suicide than ever. Today was the day, where I had concrete thought of killing myself.",Suicidal +8554,"i got into a conflict with my family i was trying to not hurt anyone and i went up to my room and started punching my door it now has alot of holes in it , my dad kicked the door and went in punching me in the head alot of times i could not fight back my mom did not give a fuck all she cared about was the door (maybe) and my dad somehow got me on the floor and i ran away, i now crazy blurry vision and my eyes are red , no one will take me to any hospital because they do not give a fuck , i do not have a phone and no one cares about me. i will probably now stab myself. my mom only let me see a psychiatrist only 1 time (when i was in a mental hospital) i barely spoke there because i barely remember things so they did not prescribe anything and my mom will not let me take anti depressants because I am 14 or something i always scream at people and i cannot have a normal conversation so i always get into conflicts. i know this shit is weird and a mix of everything and dumb but i can barely think. hi",Suicidal +8555,- Number of Mental Breakdowns: 0- Number of Near Mental Breakdowns: 1Nearly had a mental breakdown... Wish someone would understand what is going on in my head most of the time... Entry Log 3: Day 3 (27/07/21),Suicidal +8556,i think I am just done. i just cannot handle waking up on a daily basis to the same monotonous routine that just kills me. i want to be in an ocean sinking to the bottom where nothing can bother me I am going to stop feeling like this tonight i do not feel real and nothing matters anymore,Suicidal +8557,Like I am missing something When I have no will to live it feels like there is a hole in my heart,Suicidal +8558,"Just 19, and I am already not seeing the point in anything. Going to university feels necessary and like the worst decision ever, I am losing my hair so I will not even have love in my life, I am short, people suck, games do not hit as hard as they used to, and everyone is having more fun/sex/progress/enjoyment than I am.Why am I even here at this point If only I knew it want to going to be this way",Depression +8559,I am 18 and lost a Binance account with thousands of dollar in it and cannot recover it I do not even feel comfortable home when all my dad talks to me about is the account. I really have no clue as to what to do I already told him I cannot recover tried with their customer support hundreds of time probably by now and nothing. Me being a US User and Binance being banned here does not help neither. But yea there is no way I can recover all that money in a short time. What can I do?,Suicidal +8560,"I am so sick and tired of everything. Everything drains my mind. Whether I am momentarily happy or sad. Nothing satisfies me anymore. I have lost interest in the shows I used to watch, I make music but even that seems bleak and pointless at the moment. I cannot get myself to commit suicide, but I really wish this life comes to an end. When I walk down the road I wish that a vehicle runs me over. When I am riding my bike I wish I come across an accident and die. When I sleep I wish that peacefully pass away. I do have aspirations and goals in mind but honestly I do not think I have the mental capacity to endure through. I wish I had what it takes to take my own life.",Depression +8561,"I have tried to change life around a bit. I could be the richest guy on the planet, but I would still be couped up in my head all the time being scared of the world. I fucking hate my life and I will always have suicide as my friend if I need them. there is just no changing anything",Depression +8562,I find them oddly comforting and beautiful when they capture how I feel and that I am not alone in itThe only one I know that hits the nail on the head is Receipt by The Black Dahlia MurderLooking for recommendations Favorite songs about feeling suicidal,Suicidal +8563,"Doing nothing is best I can do I know I am going to be dead soon. I wanted to do something ""crazy"" or just ""fun"" before i do but I realised I do not care anymore. I do not want to do anything anymore. I do not care about having ""fun"". what is the point of doing something?",Depression +8564,"reasons I should not kms? words that may help? Idk. I am truly done and i think I have made up my mind. This is my final and last resort.. all jokes aside, I am so close to kms.",Suicidal +8565,"I just do not know what to do anymore. I am 29, not done anything noteworthy with my life. Been dealing with depression literally all of it. And I just cannot gain any ground. I am doing all the right things. I have been reaching out for help since I was a teen, begging my parents to let me see a doctor and get some medicine. I am in good shape. I exercise. I eat mostly well. I have friends. I am in decent overall health. I have got a stable life. I have got an objectively great job, some family, a few good friends, finances are okay, can afford to buy and do things I want. I have never done drugs, not even so much as vaped or smoked a cigarette, I do not drink But here I am, every step along the way, at my doctors and counselors doors begging for help. Trying all the medications, I am on 4 now. And they help, yeah, but not enough. Got diagnosed with OCD, which makes a lot of sense but does not help things. I have tried meditation, CBT, you name it. I am trying it. And I am not gaining any sort of ground. I can only wake up and bullshit pat myself on the back of doing the bare minimum of making it through another day so many times that it just feels pathetic. And exhausting. I am just so exhausted. I want to turn this movie off. I am not having a good time and I know the movie will not suddenly get better, so what is the point?I am just so done. I am exhausted. What is even the point? I am making it through another day. So what? Now I am a little closer to actually dying in a way people will accept?I am just so spent.Exhausted.I just cannot keep doing this. At what point do we admit that some people just cannot be helped? Either they are too far gone or its just not in the cards for them?I do not want to admit that about myself, but I cannot ignore brazen fact. I just do not think I am cut out for life. And the ONLY thing, and I do mean **ONLY** thing, keeping me from taking my life is the pain I would feel during it. Everything else I have already come to grips with. Making mom sad? Leaving my cats? Making a mess for the police to clean up? Etc. I have accepted all of that. I just literally cannot do this. I am trapped in this movie I cannot turn off and I am ready to burn the theater down. I just do not think I am one who can be helped. Is it possible to be beyond help?",Depression +8566,"Heard this for well over a decade now. How can anyone be happy considering all the global (some local) issues we face? The one thing that should be a constant, is not. That is, people. People do not stick around. No loyalty. I want to be dead so badly. It does not get better, does it?",Depression +8567,"I am done with the pain and suffering, i do not want to live like this anymore.please suggest me an easy way to leave this world Please suggest me an easy way to leave this world",Suicidal +8568,"Its not about me, I do not feel at all suicidal but please try and help me. Works stressing their mother out, she has 12h shifts with only 1 and a half hour long breaks and she cannot get another job because of covid, its getting to her too much and she told my friend ""I cannot take it anymore"". What can I do to help both my friend and her mother? My friend is terrified and does not want to tell anyone else incase she is wrong and make things worse for her mother. What can I do to help, what advice can I give, what help can I send? My friends thinks her mother is suicidal and I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +8569,"I resigned from my job 2 months ago because my depression and anxiety was really bad. Two months has passed and I am doing nothing but watching shows to kill time. The moment I think of furthering my studies, anxiety kicks in and all related thoughts are halted. My physical appearance has no redeeming features except for my eyes and the weight gain has really become insane. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I have been trying to cut my food intake. I am still gaining weight despite it. I have searched up on cosmetic surgeries but I do not even have enough money to go through with it. it is far too expensive.When I was 10, I am sure this was not how I thought my future would be like. It sucks how it is and I cannot get myself out of this. Death seems like the only way out for me. it is really pathetic how I cannot seem to do anything about it. Broken with no hope in sight",Depression +8570,"You ever notice? Therapists will see you for 45 mins once a week *at most*, a psychiatrist will maybe see you once a month if you are lucky and the rest of the time? Just deal with your own shit. Are you miserable?Wallowing in your bed all day? Too sad to brush your own teeth or hair? Crying at the smallest thing? Ready to die but not able to muster the effort to plan it?Oh f*cking well. Handle it. No one wants you to reach out. Mental health professionals just want to help the Karens of the world with their drinking problems so they can take Little Billy to soccer practice without getting a DUI and then all the therapists and psychiatrists can go home to their *wonderful* well adjusted families and think about what *nice people* they are because they *help people* when really they have helped no one. Everyone says ""Reach out when you need help"" but when you reach out, it is almost impossible to get help unless you are actively endangering your life or someone else's.",Depression +8571,have not talked to a women in 3 years.. it is not like I have not tried too but there is literally no point when no one wants to give you a chance You just cannot fix lonely,Depression +8572,"so i just got into a huge argument with my little brother over pringles and he said ""you are ruining my life"" and ""die"".i know he said it in the heat of the moment but i just kept repeating it in my head. it hurts so bad bc my family is the only reason I am still here.and then i just wanted to get my knife and go to the bathroom and smw.and i got this weird excited-like feeling in my stomach. it surprised me and kind of scared me.i sat there thinking and crying about it for 20 minutes.meanwhile my brother's just enjoying his movie and eating my pringles and he probably does not even remember what he just said.also i thought ab it and i do not think i actually want to die yet rn bc i want to say goodbye first and stuff.but i just want to have a suicide attempt.not like for attention but just so my family realizes it is more than just a little sadness almost commited over pringles",Suicidal +8573,"I want to kill myself but i cannot, and I don''t have the strength to tell anyone who would miss me that I want to die. I do not want to seek help because therapy and medicine are so expensive and I have no money, and the money I make should go to pay off my loans. I am going to owe and I have trouble getting into my career path, but switching takes so much effort and mental energy that I just do not have. I do not know what to do anymore, I know crying every day does not do anything to remedy any situation or help, but I just do not know what to do, I am so scared of myself and these thoughts I keep having i want to kill myself really badly",Suicidal +8574,Its getting crippling. I literally do not do shit now and am not motivated to do anything. cannot even bring myself to enjoy a game bc it feels like I would be wasting my time even tho Id be wasting my time anyways doing nothing. All I do is work and not talk to my family and I do not have any friends. Everything just seems so fucking boring to me now.,Depression +8575,"I really cannot take it anymore. I am 22 years old and have spent most of my life depressed. I was getting better I thought but now I am back to square one I feel. All my friends have been treating me like shit for so long but they never used to, and I gained some self respect and now they are all turning on me. They kept on fucking up my life and making me feel like shit especially the last few months. I get blamed for other peoples wrong doings and they get away with it and then chat shit about saying how much of a dick I am even though they all bitch about each other. Whenever I try do the right thing, it goes wrong all the time. The more I try to get away from them the more they claw their way back into my life. I cannot escape. I thought starting therapy this year would be good but all its done has taken away my emotion less state, made me even more depressed and made me realise how much my family has fucked me up since day one. Not listening to me, gas lighting me and not taking me seriously from a young age has left me in capable of human connection and I just do not care anymore. I am so alone and all I want to do is kill myself but of course I agreed to travel 10 hours to visit my sister and now I am stuck here with my parents. I cannot stand being around my family for too long and I am with them for a week. I want to tell them how I feel but whenever I try to talk to them they get mad and say there is always a problemIm losing weight so quickly because I do not eat anymore and I do not want to. I am constantly in pain and my brain just will not stop racing thoughts all day until I go to bed. I am paranoid all the time and cannot trust anyone. I have small breakdowns everyday and I just cannot keep on going like this. Everything is falling apart around me and I do not want to live anymore",Depression +8576,they always ending up ghosting me fuck friends I do not need them,Depression +8577,My mind is giving me a deadline (no pun intended) on when to commit and I just need one outside voice to tell me that the deadline is bullshit and I do not have to abide by it Can someone please tell me I do not have to hang myself next week,Suicidal +8578,"me and my gf of 13 months broke up yesterday i have been crying for the whole time, i cannot sleep i cannot eat, i cannot stop crying, i want this to end so fucking bad its getting harder by the minute",Suicidal +8579,In may this year i had a psychotic breakdown i had suicide attempts and nearly got sectioned literally the worst day of my life. My dad goes in between being supportive and saying how I am making everything up and idk why i just do not get over it. Now its literally got to the point where hes sick and bored of me being mentally ill. Like because I am not having suicide attempts and in psychosis anymore i should be fucking running a marathon every day and doing a bizillion jobs like i cannot handle barely getting up in the morning. I have started having a lot more suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harming in the past weeks its got to the point where i think I am going to relapse i do not think I am going to kms yet but i will if it carries on. Also i always get blamed for money problems it makes me feel like a burden and want to jump off a bridge. I want to tell him that complainings making me more suicidal but i dunno like what to do i might get my therapist to mention it. Also recently my family has fell out with me because they found out my mum abused me and they denied it happened like honey ty :( i just want to die i wish i died in may. My family are making me want to stab myself,Suicidal +8580,"The story is I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years about 8 months ago and I have not felt whole since, I fucked up any chance of getting back together with her and I have not been with anyone since, I have no reason to want to die, I have family, friends a good job, but all I do is go to work during the week and get drunk on the weekends, I do not really talk to my friends during the week (none of us have been big talkers anyway) I come home from work and I watch telly till I have to go back everyday until Friday when I get drunk and act like everythings okay then I go home and feel empty, I have always had suicidal tendencies but today something in me has changed and all I want to do is get in my car and drive till I crash, I need something to do or someone to talk to and care about or else I just feel lonely, I have my life together and everything I could need and yet I still want to end itSorry for the long post I needed to get it all out I just feel empty",Suicidal +8581,"but I talked myself out of it. Even if I have not felt happiness or joy since my age was in the single digits, I still have to live so my family members can keep theirs. For how long I can resist the urges, idk, but at least I got a small W. Nearly jumped off of a parking deck today",Suicidal +8582,"Every fucking time I have got an episode I try to excuse my actions in the most stupid of ways, which only makes the episode wost and broadens the problem by me worrying to goddam much about it. I am not going to kill myself but I need a way out, talking is not going to work because the only I can talk to about this just is weird to talk about, maily because she is the one I excused myself to in the most stupid of eays, by just saying ""sorry if I am to much"". I just fucking cannot. I do not fucking know anymore",Depression +8583,"This is going to be a long (and not first) post on this subreddit.I am a 22 year old man, and even though I do not like it either when these posts start with a list of things people do not like about themselves (they suffer from eucharist syndrome I am going to), I believe these are in relation with my problems. I am gay, autistic, virgin, pursuing a useless degree (we will return to this), no driving lisence, barely any money under on my name, and below minimum wage income. My future is looking bleak and tbh worse than that of everyone around me. Though they can only help so much. I have yet to find the passion, drive (or whatever that makes you go from point a to point b) in my life.Who can tell well it all went wrong? My tiger mom? Maybe. My emotionally distant dad? Who knows. Sheltering and undersocialisation? Maybe. I have been dealing with depression and suicidial ideations since age 10. My parents made me go to a foreign language school (they wanted me to mingle with other ""elite"" kids) which so to speak was the most traumatic experience of my life (crying and begging my parents not to make me go there, can you guess wheter they listened?) I was bullied daily for 10 years of my life.Everyday of school was a struggle, to say I got used to this is an understatement. Even in my head I cannot find my own place in life, regular panic attacks and feelings of dread come in every month or so, demoralising and demotivating.Recently got an internship in a business consulant company where I constanly underpeform due to lack of knowledge in economics, drive and the problems listed above. I got the position on the promise that I will start a Finance BSc next semester. If being late in life in other aspects already was not enough, I am graduating with a BSc at 26 which makes me feel terrible. The feelings of dread and inadequacy just cumulate and I am getting close to being overwhelmed. Wierdly enough in times like this I want to talk and meet my mom. I want to get back into the womb where its warm and safe unlike outside here, sheltering, sheltering. I have wonderful friends and family members who love and support be but being so much behind in life compared to them and not being able to keep their advices in my head makes me feel terrible. Since my experience with most things is utter failure it does not make for a good though pattern does it? Afraid of life and in general of everything, but wierdly enough people see me as ""normal-acting"" (sic!) I guess at least I was always good at masking.This is one of my dreadful periods, each is worse than the previous. Feeling more lost than ever, positive thoughts occuring less and less. I really want this to end. Thank you. TL;DR: Years of abandonment, avoidance and deperssion resulted into a warped sense of reality which is self-fulfilling. What an ellaborate way to say I am depressed.PS.: There were ofc lot of things I did not mention which mounted up to this state of mine, but I consider those a result not a because. Thus unimportant. [CW: Suicide] Why I might commit suicide very soon, advice and consultation welcome!",Depression +8584,I just went through a breakup and the girl wants to stay friends and I want to so I do not hurt her but I know how painful it will be for me. We were better off as friends and now I cannot even be one becuase I still have feelings and it hurts so much. I do not know what to do here I am considering blocking her on everything and having no contact with her until I can get over her but I know that will hurt her. I also try to think all the negative things in order to lose feelings but still it is not working. I am so sad and scared I do not know what to do I need some advice,Depression +8585,Need encouragement Help please,Suicidal +8586,"what is the point of living if we spend most of our life suffering? My 38th birthday is coming up and it will just be a reminder of how much I have fucked up my life. Poor decision upon poor decision. I do not even care about what other people think, its the self disappointment that has been the most difficult burden to bear.I thought if I got a better paying job, Id be happy. I thought Id I moved, Id be happy. I got both, but nope - I am still the same incompetent idiot who has made the same stupid decisions.All of my friends are not friends. My family sucks except for one person. I love my wife, but she is just completely incompetent. Everywhere I turn I am just filled with disappointment. I feel like I am stuck inside of a room that is just getting smaller and smaller. I cannot seem to escape this feeling and everything it hits me, it becomes more and more intense.I am not there yet but I am worried one day I am just going to make the decision I cannot undo. Ill be fine, I just will cease to exist. Everyone else will be left suffering and the thought of that makes me feel even more claustrophobic. What is the point?",Suicidal +8587,"I do not know if this is the place. I just do not know what to do. I am 23, and I am just not into life. I am always feeling this feeling which kind of just makes youthink. I just sit there. I wake up at 6am, turn off my 8am alarm, and just lie on my side hunched up thinking about the past. I feel paralysed all the time, whenever someone has a go at me, whenever I fuck up the tiniest bit at work. I do not even know what I want to do in my life, I am just buying random shit to fill the space, like a new project car and shit parts for it. All I do is work, go home on the weekend, go home on Monday, run out of money and work some more. I live at work because of my job. So there is just no escaping it. I finish work, and I think about work. And when it gets too much, I drink 700ml rum and take 120mg of codeine in the home that il fall asleep. I have to work from home rn, and I just cannot do it without staring hopelessly paralysed at my computer screen thinking about why and how I have got this depressed. I was an alcoholic when I met my girlfriend, drinking 1.5l of whiskey, rum, or whatever the fuck I felt like drinking that night. When I go for a drive and suddenly it hits, I just sink into the accelerator and by the time I know it I am doing 130mph on the M5 home. I just do not know what to do with myself. I want to promote in my job but I fucking hate my job. I am in it for the money that is it. Because rent is too much and life is too expensive. I am just about ready to suck some fucking Nitrogen and stop breathing. Just if it means I can stop thinking like this and constantly living with stress anxiety and feeling like i am a total waste of oxygen in this snowflake society. I do not know man. What do I do, crack open another bottle? Just writing.",Depression +8588,"I did not realize it, what kept me grounded for so long and able to operate efficiently.Ends up being my lil bro. We are 4 years apart, different in everyday, polarizing. I love this kid with all my heart and I want him to do well for himself. So why is it that when he tells me he is going to move across the country, my will to live dissipates? I am not here to tell you my life story, as its not important. There are many of us who deal with this plaque in our minds, and I cannot help but wonder if this is some cruel way of self defense. I feel way too strongly on all fronts, I am incapable of of emotions that are small, its 0 or 10000 at all times. Into adulthood I have told myself I have made progress, with my behavior. My main coping mechanism with life is to learn about it, I decided at some point in my earlier youth that this is how I am going to solve my internal issues, with knowledge. Turns out knowledge is power but what was failed to mention is that not everyone can handle that power. I can now explain why on a chemical and biological level, I feel the way I do, and it only makes things worse nowadays. I have tried to take on a hedonistic mindset to circumvent the already dark thoughts with the peace that well its all essentially pointless.. but I am not a hedonist, and as much as I say I *do not* care I really do care at the umpteenth power. Its fucking hard. Especially when you have no one to go to. When you do not feel comfortable enough to speak about your thoughts because the people who are supposedly there for you, cannot be bothered- and its not their fault. We have all these words and concepts to wrap things up in a neat little bow and capartamentalize things until they are in boxes so small we act like we forget they are there. Its sickening and I feel like I am going to vomit, but I am not a puker so I know I will not. I am sitting here in a stew of my own self-loathing and I do not want to be here anymore. cannot say I did not try.",Suicidal +8589,"I have tried everything therapy, psychology, hypnotherapy, antipmdepressents you name it I have tried, nothing has helped. My family is a reck my brother has some unknown illness, he can literally only eat 10 things at max, my mums struggling with body image and is trying her best to help us. I wish i could tell her everything. around 2 years ago i started isolating myself from the small group of friends i had, one by one i distanced myself till no contact with them i do not even know the reason why, the thing that is destroyed me most is breaking up with this guy i was head over heels for. I gave him no reason and just blocked him i still see him out in public rarely and have a full on panic attack after. I have no friends , I am homeschooled because school have me extreme anxiety.. i really cannot do it anymore I am scared to die but i know i cannot do this for much longer. The only way out i can see is taking a bunch of antidepressants, melatonin and whatever i can find in the cupboards.. i do not want to fight anymore i cannot do it anymore",Suicidal +8590,"I am grateful for everything I have in life, I genuinely believe I am blessed. Yet, I feel empty and sad all the time. I never used to be like this until 2017. Its been like that for years now and it just will not go away. I had a expectation of how my adult life would turn out but I am still not satisfied. I was told, twenties would be your most fun, for me its the most depressing at most times. When I do enjoy life in the moment, it kind of gets ruined by the thought knowing it will not last forever. I am really grateful for my s/o, hes very supportive and understanding, yet I still feel constant sadness.. I am not suicidal but I always feel empty and nothing. I hate this feeling and it makes me cry at some nights, whereas other nights I cannot cry at all. Anyways.. I just want rant on here. Its my first time posting on this app. I have everything I want but I am still constantly depressed.",Depression +8591,"I got out of rehab not too long ago for alcohol. It was my second time to rehab and I have been in inpatient around 6 times. I quit drinking for awhile but I went back to it. It ruined my relationship and my ex lives in Michigan. I just want to drown myself in alcohol but it causes panic attacks now and I feel like I have nothing. I am drowning by myself. Literally no friends, no one I regularly talk to, nothing. I applied for this job doing something I am experienced in because I have been unemployed for awhile. I walked out on my last two jobs due to manic episodes. Anyway I did 3 days with the company and was suppose to have a second interview. It all went very well. I had all the experience I needed to be a crew chief and I was so excited. I told everyone about it and how Ill be making 80k/yr. I thought it all went so well. I just got an email telling me they are not considering me for the role anymore. I am absolutely crushed. I just want to die. I do not know what to do. Just got denied the job I thought I had in the bag, I have relapsed and I just want to end it.",Suicidal +8592,"I hate that I cannot talk about my problems to my friends or family. Most of them say they want to help but when things start to get too real for them they no longer want to listen. Once you mention suicide they no longer want to be there. The worst part is that when/if I actually did go through with it, they would be the first people to say if only he reached out for help. I just want someone to try to understand what I feel and where I come from. I just want my family to understand or at least attempt to understand. Does anyone else feel this way? Are your families comfortable with listening to you? I hate that I cannot talk about it",Depression +8593,"I am so terrified of not being good enough that Id rather quit before I even try. Then I think of how much of a loser I am that I would rather kill myself than experience failure and learn from it. After that I try to convince myself that i have to try, but I really do not want to. I am so tired of fighting and I want to give up. I wish Id just killed myself when I was 13 and first wanted to. I do not want to hurt my family and partner though so I have somehow stuck around til 22. Is this just how we have to live? One year at a time, hating it? Sometimes I resent that I love and am loved because its the only reason to stay alive when its killing me to. I am drained and want to be dead",Suicidal +8594,Hello everyone 19(M) been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for a while now. January of this year the person I loved the most and would have given everything dumped me and it is been really rough for me. Today I filled my mouth with my anti depressants just could not swallow them. Is there even a point of trying to live anymore? Does it actually get better? I truly do not want to be alive anymore I hate every second of it everyday I wake up in so much emotional pain. Faking a smile becomes harder and harder I do not know how much longer I can take Suicide and depression,Suicidal +8595,I cannot escape my thoughts or the reality I created when people talk I do not even hear them my thoughts take overI pushed a bit away who loved meI am fucking done tuck this shitI used to be spiritual but I hope its a sleep a dark sleep forever this cannot follow mw No,Suicidal +8596,I am 34 years old it is sad that i have to joke about depression like crack a joke instead of telling how i really feel. I am screaming inside i lost my dad last year and it was a hard awakening we think our parents are invincible obviously not.. I miss him terribly and i just lost the only person that really gets me she is left me no explanation just gone now she was my rock. I force myself to get up everyday go to work and get through it just to come home to an empty apt no one to greet me just darkness and silence. I am thankful i have my mom she listens to me and her advice is taken whole heartedly. But i cannot fully express myself to her she worries about my happiness she wants me to be happy before she is gone so i tell her i am happy but deep down I am a mess idk i may be just ranting or whatever but I am getting to the point where the fake smiles the masks i wear to hide my feelings are not enough i just want someone to see that I am trying I am trying I am trying but no one ever does I have always been the one that listens and tries to help anyway i can. Idk what to do anymore No title,Depression +8597,"that is it I am just soo dam tired. cannot wait for a good night sleep, apparently I am due one in 5 years time. I am exhausted",Depression +8598,"Hi everyone, this is my first post here and I am just feeling so tired and unmotivated. I do not even feel like going to my therapist anymore. I feel pathetic saying its too much effort because its literally over zoom but its just too much. I do not feel like talking about my problems anymore. I just feel like forgetting about them. she is a lovely therapist, but I just do not want to deal with this anymore. I just feel so sad lately its almost becoming to the point of numbness. Luckily I do not live with my parents anymore so they do not physically notice. I barely shower anymore unless I have to. I hate brushing my teeth, my room and bathroom are disgusting, I cannot even find the motivation to make myself food anymore. I am in so much debt right now, and my boss was talking to me about getting a promotion at work and then she just went over and handed it to someone else. I just want to disappear. Not even necessarily wanting to die, but I just want to be gone and not have to deal with my life anymore. Just so tired",Depression +8599,"No matter how hard I try to turn my life around, I lose. Dissapointment is all I have ever felt. I am so close to just giving up on this living thing, Will things ever get better? I need someone to tell my I have to live right now.",Depression +8600,"Feeling less motivated by the day. Use to heavily train at gym almost everyday, now thought of putting myself through all that taxing work makes me groan internally. do not like looking in mirror despite being objectively good looking/hot, or taking time to self analyze. Feel lazy and just want to smoke weed and do nothing. have not had a relationship in 7 years since fucking middle school, have not gotten laid in a year, have more fingers on 1 hand than I do friends.And the hate for myself is growing every single day. I may have people around that want to help but I would never and will never confide to them. They will never understand what I am going through or why. I think depression is upon me",Depression +8601,I am at the end of my rope and cannot stop crying. I asked for help and was pushed away because he thinks I am faking it. Or he does not want to be bothered with me. I am going to my doctor tomorrow. that is the earliest I can get an appointment. I am sure she will just prescribe antidepressants. I have been on every brand of antidepressants and they do not work. I think I just need someone to talk to who can be a friend and not my therapist. Someone who will care. Someone who will sit with me and hold my hand in the darkness. But when I yell out for help there is only an echo. I almost ended it all on Sunday. I do not know why I stopped. I should have just finished the Job right there and then. Echo,Suicidal +8602,I do not want to tell about this to my family or friends because of the negative thoughts that I have sometimes (I am not much of a talker anyways). Depressed (again),Depression +8603,"I am not trying to make some edgy post about how I want to do drugs and shit but I do not think its something you can say without coming across like that so whatever. But I do not know, I just want to do heroin really badly right now. I guess I am just sick of feeling so shitty and I am sick of nothing working to make it better. All the medications I have been on have done sweet fuck all and I have been through dozens at this point. Therapy has not helped me at all and I just feel awful all the time. I feel like I do not belong in the world at all and yet I am forced to exist in it. So I keep cycling between two thoughts constantly, that I want to kill myself or that I want to do heroin. I do not know why, but I really, REALLY want to try heroin",Depression +8604,I feel like killing myself. just had one of the worst days of my life,Depression +8605,"Well guys, I need some help. Like I am seeing a licensed therapist, but thru talkspace as I cannot afford any therapy in my town...and I do not have a car due to anxiety. Well, this therapist is new to me, but before I came to her I was looking into short term disability. And before, I thought that maybe I could just tough it out. I am one to kind of push on through. I think that because of my flair for the dramatics, I do tend to downplay and gaslight the fuck out of myself when I am depressed. When I lost a job opportunity it got bad. I relapsed and started SH again. Which is something I do not like about myself. I was clean for about three months, but lately my job has been really hard on me. We started with 50 workers in my position, there are now 8 left....only 7 months later. I have even gone as far as nearly getting into an accident as a passenger, and being disappointed I came out unscathed. I wished something would happen. I do not enjoy weekends because I know I am going back. And the people I speak with are lovely, but I am incapable of thinking straight and you know when you are just getting BAD again. And I have no idea what I am supposed to do. My therapist said I would qualify, I have to talk to my pcp about it, but I feel so guilty. Everytime I get on the phone to talk to someone about it, I burst into tears. it is so humiliating to know they have got me crying for an hour recorded begging them to just ""Bear with me, I never do this. I am so sorry, I do not know why I am crying!"" I just need help. How did you get the STD approved? What should I expect? Please, please, no negativity. Taking a leave at 23, when I am otherwise in good health, is truthfully so humiliating and saddening. I feel bad enough. Claiming Short Term Disability for work. TW - SH, suicidal ideation",Depression +8606,"My GF suffers from bad depression. She had become very distant and to me it felt like she was pushing me away. She started a new job and went really quiet. I took it as she had lost interest in me and I broke up with her. She could not seem to make time for me and I left for a trip and we had very little contact after I left. It seemed to me that she had no interest in having a conversation with me. She said that she thought I needed space, but idk why she would of thought that. She had became distant months ago and became more so as time passed. I am curious to know if this could be normal behavior of someone who is feeling overwhelmed and is moving through depression. All I wanted was to be there for her and to feel that she still cared. Once it felt like she did not care anymore, I could not do it any longer. I was very patient with her and would let her initiate any plans to hang out My GF was moving through a bad time of depression",Depression +8607,"I cannot get a job, I keep fucking shit up, I feel like I am I cannot do anything, my meds work even less, I am stuck with so many urges that i am literally the definition of addiction, I cannot cope, I do not know how long I am about to be here, either Ill just run out of energy to even off myself or Ill just do it, its a 50/50, like most of my life Ill probably half ass it like the times before and mess it up, I am sick to my stomach of the ways I fuck EVERYTHING UP. RELATIONSHIPS. FAMILY. SCHOOL. I am SORRY I cannot BE LIKE THE OTHER KIDS, I am SORRY YOU do not LOVE ME. FUCK TGIS SHIT I am hopeless",Depression +8608,"would not taking oxy lessen the pain alot when cutting an artery?I am sorry if this is not allowed here, i just do not know who else to ask oxy and cutting an artery",Suicidal +8609,Love having anxiety. At least I have not had a panic attack in 3 months. I cannot get hired because I am too nervous at interviews,Depression +8610,"I have had chronic ideations my whole life so this is nothing new but I thought Id finally gotten to a financial place where I could find someone to talk to. My husband gets annoyed when I ask for help, I work from home, we only have 1 car and all my friends/people who give a single shit about me are hours and hours away. Bit isolated. I am tired. there is no out. There will never be. I cannot keep asking my friends to listen to me complain about the same shit over and over, they have their own shit that is more important. I do not want to work 2 jobs and do all the cooking and housework but that is just my life. Husband has a spending problem so I am looking to pick up a third job after he quits his (I support this, he was a kind man until he started this job) so I do not have to go back to noodles once a day as sustenance and selling anything of any value. Although I do not think I own anything that cost more than $50 at this point. Maybe job 3 will be what does me in. Girl can hope. I am sorry, Ill probably get rid of this soon, its not like I can be helped. that small hit in my finances did a lot of damage and I have no one I can talk to so I hoped getting it out, even just somewhere would relieve a little bit of the tension in my brain. Was so close to being able to go to a therapist",Suicidal +8611,i just cut myself deep enough to actually see fat and i freaked out for a second. is this what life is going to be like forever? just trying to get deeper and deeper until I am done being? fighting until there is no fight left in me? I am exhausted I am tired,Suicidal +8612,"As the title says I am feeling so lost, it happens every so often maybe every few months or so. Like I just loose all motivation and it feels like I am in a state of trance and I just cannot bring myself out of it. I cannot feel joy and gets overwhelmed with the feeling of boredom. I starts to cry randomly even if I do not think of anything. it is just the worst feeling in the world to me. No doubt anyone will read this and that is fine it was just me thinking out loud and kind of hoping it would make more sense if I write it down, maybe help pull myself out of it or something. It did not really so I will just drink and wait it out I guess. Feeling so Lost",Depression +8613,"My family has such high expectations. They expect me to work three minimum wage jobs because that is what ""adults do"". I did not ask to be born. I did not ask to grow up in this world where I basically have to work in order to survive. I have one job. it is not like I am a bum but whenever I am not a work, it is a problem. Whenever I have free time, it is a problem because to them I could be doing something better in my free time. I always get compared to others. I always get told I am not normal and that I am weird for just staying home and relaxing on my days off instead of picking up more jobs. I work 40 hours. What the hell do they expect? If this is adulting, I do not want any part of it. it is bad enough I am depressed and find it hard to get out of bed. I cannot imagine just working all the time when half the time I think of ending it. I will never be good enough. I did not ask to be born.",Suicidal +8614,"I do not know what else to say I am on the verge of something terrible. I hate my life, I hate school I hate the stupid little things that set me off. I wish I would just kill myself and stop the horrors of my mind from constantly chasing me. I feel like I am cornered right now. I want to fucking kill myself so bad please I do not know what to do anymore I want to die I want to die I want to die i want to die why does no one ever seem to care I want do die so bad right now",Suicidal +8615,"it is been years I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, Ocd and what not but everytime I have some big fight with my parents i feel its the breaking point and I am surely going to attempt to kill myself again. They have issue with everything I do, how I behave, how I look. I try my best but in their eyes I am nothing but a disappointment and failure which should not have existed in the first place. Yes they have said it to my face especially my mom. She is dealing with her own health issues because of which she tends to breakdown as well but there is a limit to talking shit about your kid. I never mentioned any of my relationships to my mother but she was very open about it so I mentioned about the girl I like now and she straight up demotivated me to the ground by saying I am not good enough for her, I am unattractive and what not, and honestly at this point if someone hands me a cyanide pill I would happily take it and end it once for all. I already hate myself and her talking shit to me just makes it worse more and more because I loved her the most in the entire world. Just because I am not capable of showing or expressing it does not mean I take her for granted. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up or OD on some sleeping pills and painkillers I hate myself and everyone around me",Suicidal +8616,"I am so tired of trying at this point, everything is boring, everything is monotonous and i feel worse than i ever felt. I have friends and people that worry about me, i broke up with my boyfriend and he understood and support me to this day but why cannot i just enjoy things ? not even all the love of support of them can full the void that i have.i had a lot of hobbies, i tried different mindset, i did sports, i did exercise and nothing works.every day that i wake up i just wish i have the strength to even leave my bed and do something. And I am not even sad I am just bored, bored of being here, bored of trying to get better just to get even worse in one random day.i had a lot of suicidal thoughts and these days they are getting worse should i do it ? should i just ended it all ? idk, I am not scared to do it is just like is it worth it ? is not that i hate being alive it is just so... boring.i guess i just cannot enjoy living. I am so done",Suicidal +8617,"So, something amazing happened yesterday! A job opportunity basically just sprang up into my face. I completed two back to back phone interviews with the owner and manager, then boy the next thing i know we are talking about start dates and pay and...I am terrified? I should be thrilled. How lucky am I that this happened? I should be jumping for joy because I desperately need a job, have not worked in a year due to covid, and this could be a great fit for me. But all i keep coming back to is how much I want to die. How anxious at failing i am. How depressed i am. How incapable I am. How I have walked this road before; gotten a cool job, dealt with the stress for a few days, and then broke under the weight of constant suicidal ideation. Its a pattern I, and the others in my life recognize. To the point that everyone I tell when getting the news mentions that ""oh well I am sure you can handle it this time"" This time...But I am so afraid. I am so depressed. I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. But i know i need this job. Please. Help... Self sabotage, please help",Suicidal +8618,"I met a guy from Tinder three months ago and I like him a lot. He says he feels the same, but he does not show it. Were both in our late twenties and both want a serious relationship. He confessed he was feeling depressed and that is why we never see each other (5 or 6 times within 3 months), why he takes hours to answer messages while always online, why he is not more involved in the relationship. He was not like that at the beginning, and I am not sure if he was already feeling down at that time or not. I have been having difficulties trusting people (because of one past relationship) and I am not sure I believe him 100%, although I really want to. I also really want to keep him in my life and start getting more serious. How can I support him, especially so early in the relationship and considering the fact that he cannot give me the relationship I want? He says he cannot offer me consistency, that he could make it work one day and lack desire to do so the next. I have no idea what to do and how to do it. Helping my depressed date",Depression +8619,"I have been through too much shit to list, but the most important thing is I have binge eating disorder (had numerous inpatient stays, seeing therapy 2x per week currently, zero changes) that has gained me 70 pounds which makes me want to kill myself, and I feel zero pleasure from literally anything and have not for years. I used heroin for 20 days straight (no longer using) to get my time without a binge tracker to 20 days, and now today less than a week later even though just two hours ago I was convinced binge eating was a thing of the past I binged. This means no leaving my room, interacting etc for a week at least, and I have two very important family things I am canceling in a few minutes. Eating disorders are terminal illnesses",Depression +8620,"My parents hate each other.This girl I thought might have been the one left.I moved to another city just to see this girl, she still did not see me for 3 months and then we broke up.My parents moved here too. Now they are getting separated and my Mom is going back to her brother's place. My father is abusive and lost in his life, blames her for everything. What I do not get is, why am I cornered like this. Nothing is going rightI stay demotivated and do not perform as well as I can in college. When I try to, something like this happens.We have a dog, Hana. My mother is everything to Hana. Idk what she would do if my mother goes away. My father does not take care of Hana that often. My mother loves Hana and she is probably the only one Hana loves that much. Idk what Hana would do. My mother is nearing 50 idk how she is supposed to live alone. Fuck this. I honestly do not know what I would do if this actually happens. Is it possible that sometimes life is not supposed to be good ? You keep expecting it to be and one day you just die. You cannot even control the things that are making it worse. what is the point ? Nothing is going right in my life. I am stuck.",Depression +8621,"i have been feeling intense physical symptoms because of depression. i cannot tell if gravity has gotten stronger or if my body just got heavier. also i feel dizzy and i am dissociating most of the time i am awake. i am very lonely most days and when i am not i am with people who make me feel way worse (most of them, the only one that does not i am not close to). I am not accident yet but i have been through a lot of shit and all the trauma has rendered me useless. i feel pathetic and i had my fair share of near death experiences in the past but i think i want to try again, i consider it everyday but some days it is way more desirable. I am sure no one would care. my life is falling apart and i have no one to trust through anything so what is the point. people generally dislike me because i am socially inept (i do not try to be rude and i do not think i am but i have a hard time communicating with people because of anxiety), and I am ugly. there are too many things i wish i could do but i cannot because i have limited resources and energy for that matter. yet at the same time i have no real goal in life anymore. i think i did at one point but the more i go through the less i care. i have intense paranoia because my parents in the past have invaded my privacy alot so i only have reddit. the paranoia is killing me and i feel like i cannot do anything without precautions. i could keep going for ages about the pathetic state of my life but there is always going to be something is that are unsaid so there is no point. idk. i just want to start planning again on ending it all because nothing is working. feeling gross and miserable, cannot think of a better title.",Suicidal +8622,"I have been through too much shit to list, but the most important thing is I have binge eating disorder that has gained me 70 pounds which makes me want to kill myself, and I feel zero pleasure from literally anything and have not for years. I used heroin for 20 days straight (no longer using) to get my time without a binge tracker to 20 days, and now today less than a week later even though just two hours ago I was convinced binge eating was a thing of the past I binged. This means no leaving my room, interacting etc for a week at least, and I have two very important family things I am canceling in a few minutes. How do I get my family to push me to suicide? I cannot do it on my own. How do I make them push me to finally do it?",Suicidal +8623,"Hello everyone,I am considering starting psychotherapy (again). I have received psychodynamic psychotherapy for about 3.5 years but it helped up to a point as its main goal is to make the client realize and be conscious of mental patterns and act on them. I am looking for new ways to heal myself. Basically, even if there is nothing going on, I feel constant anguish, distress, anxiety, and existential pain. I see no meaning of life at all but this is not due to my psychology but my philosophical approach to life. I am an existentialist in a way. Plus, to me, there is no meaning of suffering in life as other toxic positive people claim that suffering makes us strong bla bla. Why would I suffer? I want to have fun in life which also leads to laziness for me sometimes. However, my feelings are generally negative. How can I overcome my anguish, anxiety, and distress? Is there helpful approach of psychotherapy for me? I am also in an alert state all the time that other people might harm/hurt me (due to survival instincts; for instance, in business or for money). This also causes my anxiety. &#x200B;I appreciate any thought, idea, and help. Thank you :) How can I overcome my feelings of anguish, distress, anxiety, and existential pain?",Depression +8624,"I am having one of the harder episodes of OCD. With a constant loop of suicidal thoughts, self-harm and I just honestly need reassurance for my stupid thoughts and someone to maybe even deny them. I know this sounds pathetic, but I am in a really miserable spot rn... Looking for someone who I could break down on voice chat with",Suicidal +8625,"So, I am in a very bad place since... Idk how much time I do not have much money, as I do not even work anymore, but I really needed help and wanted to get help so I payed for a private psychologist ! it is been 10 sessions now, and they sended an email to my psychiatrist (that I have got from the public system after trying to die) saying that they transfert my case to her... It took 10 sessions and 1500$ from me for that, and all that time that I thought I was getting help wasted... This money was precious, money give me a lot of anxiety ! And it is all wasted I needed help assap so I payed for a private psychologist, but after 10 sessions they decide to abandon and give me back to the public system that take too long and it was the reason I payed them in the first place !",Depression +8626,"Fuck this world, fuck 99% of the people in it, let us hope everything burns and falls apart because this bullshit notion that there is kindness and quality is absolute horseshit.I am tired of people say, be kind and the universe will reciprocate; none of that is true, you have to be a terrible person who does terrible things in order to get ahead. Forget about being a quality human being, there never was such a thing. People need to start doing negative actions in order to rectify all the wrongs going on. You are not in control of anything and instead are just a pawn in a bullshit mirage of happiness. There is no point in helping anyone, there is no point in doing anything positive except for animals who cannot help themselves. People are fucking disgusting and I have zero empathy or sympathy for any being anymore. Millions suffer from depression and sadness and nothing is changing. In order to change anything, be a nasty person and take what you can, because that is how happy people live. Be evil, like a Jeff Bezos or Bill Gates, lie about having a good exterior and ravage everything you can because nothing good comes from being a good person. Drop the anxiety, ravage what you can, this place is a dump for anger and terror. The time for empathy is gone, fuck this world and fuck anyone who says you have to fight for goodness. There is no goodness, only shit people saying shitty things. Fuck money, fuck owning a home, fuck going to the movies, fuck listening to music, fuck an education, fuck helpless people because there is no helping them. Fuck it all and I hope the world burns today, not tomorrow, not next week, fucking burn today. Fuck being good or kind, its all a mirage.",Depression +8627,what is the point of continuing a mundane life if every fucking day is thr same I am so tired and so so so bored. I am not suicidal because I am sad I am suicidal because i do not see the point and no matter what i do i will never make an impact mo matter what i do. therapy does not work my meds do not work I am just stuck in an endless cycle of hopelessness. its so hard to enjoy the things i used to enjoy. all i have are my stupid hyperfixations and they will be gone one day too. i just feel like everyone else would be better off if i disappear off of the face of the earth. i only ever make people worse versions of themselves and i treat people so horribly. i just feel like i was put on this earth to suffer and because suffering I am so sick i just want it to stop i hate it here I am so bored of living,Suicidal +8628,"Long story short, I am stuck in a career I hate. I have a job where my failure means that other people's lives will be ruined, and I truly feel that I am awful at my job. Every day I am sitting on pins and needles waiting for something awful to happen. I have tried to find other work, but the only interview I have been able to get this year has been in a career adjacent job, and it will require a 2 year commitment. I cannot get out. My wife has severe medical issues, so I cannot just quit because we would lose health insurance.I continue to hurt people by just existing. Maybe if I were not here then my wife could move back in with her family and they could take care of her, and my position could be filled by someone who actually knows what they are doing.I do not want to die, but if my continued existence only hurts people I do not see another way out. I do not know why I am posting here. I guess I just want to leave some trace of myself before I go. I am trapped and I see no other way out",Suicidal +8629,I do not even know where to start...18 year old the steep downhill started.. Broke up with my girl we were 4 years together failed my exams could not enter any university my father was unemployed for 10 years so here he comes knocking my door and saying you have to get your ass out there and work to pay the bills... Lol... My mother was also unemployed so all the expenses were lying on my brother witch he could not live like that any more and it is understandable so he left the House.So found a part time job stayed there for 2 years working everything I made guess what there were going to my parents and to pay the bills for 2 years I was literally a slave.i found a friend that said he had someone that could help get us both inside the merchant navy so for the next year I did everything that was required from papers and the such spending every litle money I managed to put aside so time comes up for us to get inside guess what his uncle witch was the guy that could help us got him a nice position inside and me? Well I was left there with a:I am sorry right now the best I can do is help him I am sorry.There I am back at my old part time job worked until now boss was treating me like shit he even said he wanted to throw me a char to bash my head in because I could not go to get him peanuts to eat because I had work to do XD.Found a new part time job as a coffee deliver working 6 hours no insurance the other guys that work the second shift says today he is flying to America so boss comes and tells me I am now going to work 12 hours no insurance for 30 euros..Guys... My mental state is flying away into the abyss I cannot live like this as a slave with no future.. What the hell is this? I have no friends that care for me no parents that care for me nothing... I cannot.. I am having serious thoughts of killing myself and the worst of it is that I want to kill others too what is going on to me how can I deal with this I feel like I am losing grip to reality what is this bullshit I cannot deal with this anymore... Life is bullshit,Depression +8630,"How do I kill myself in a country with no guns. I have access to a high building but I am afraid it might go wrong.If you are going to try to talk me out of it please just leave one answer to the question above, at least your opinion on it.My life is not really that hard or anything so nobody has to worry, I am just your average person that cannot handle the pressure because I am a loser How to kill myself in a country with no guns",Suicidal +8631,"I (20NB) get triggered so easily these days by people just living there lives. I feel so miserable in my own life and feel like i have not been able to grow or make lasting change in my life so seeing people my age or younger just doing it and living makes me so sad and insecure. I do not have a job, i did not go to college, i do not have my own place, my girlfriend left me for someone else, I am super mentally ill and its getting worse. I am constantly comparing myself to the people around me and wondering what is wrong with me why cannot i do the things they do why cannot people love me like they are loved even though i know comparison is the stealer of joy. I have been doing better mentally lately but I am still in this regressive fragile state and my brain feels like mush after everything I have been through the past few years. I just feel like shit about where i am in life and sometimes i feel like there is no hope that it will get better. I get so anxious about being an adult and having to step up and take care of myself I am paralyzed by fear. I feel so held back and it sucks to see other people outgrow you and live your dream. I feel like such a failure and a loser no matter how much reassurance i get. I hate the idea of being mediocre and living a mediocre life and that is all I am doing and it makes me just want to end things. I feel embarrassed of myself 24/7 and its just such a terrible feeling. Seeing other people happy makes me suicidal",Suicidal +8632,"They do not understand I am depressed, that I have been experiencing low moods because I had a traumatic experience. I promised myself I am going to be honest with my feelings and everything that I do but all I get is misunderstanding that I am crazy. I do not want to go to s psychiatrist not because I do not want to get healed but because my parents will think I am crazy and they will use that against me in my near future. I do not want to walk around and be known for having mental health issues and a degree, again not because I do not to have one, but because mental health is very stigmatized and looked down upon where I am.The thing here is that I want to go to a psychiatrist secretly in the near future but my mother keeps pestering me what is wrong, talk to me, etc. etc. I honestly believed her which is a dumb move to be honest so I opened up to her because you know, I want to ease her mind and at the same time, I want to let her see what I see. The former option was checked on her checklist but not the latter option. She saw what I see but she did not understand, but instead she used it to increase her pride or ego, told people without my consent, I honestly believed (and it should be) that if there is anything private, you should be honored that you out of all people are the one they tell it to so you do not say it and also take pride on it that way friendship is formed, tell to my father, whom I hate for reasons I am not telling, and tell to everyone who is not at all understanding. Now everything is going too fast and I lost everything I hate my parents so much",Suicidal +8633,"Hi everyone,I am at a point now where my mind/body are completely shut off when I am at work. I have been with this company for almost a year and it is no secret that I am incompetent and disengaged. I do not think this has anything to do with the company itself or the work or the people, but the deteriorated state of my mental health due to years of major depression. Believe me, I have tried many ways of coping but it never gets better, I always resort to self-harm and suicidal behavior. I am so exhausted now that I cannot muster up any more strength to force my brain to focus on the tasks at hand. I want to quit so bad but I do not want to leave in an unprofessional manner. Does anyone struggle with their mental health at work as well? What did you decide to do about it? Self-harming at work",Depression +8634,"i cannot take a course in music and arts if i fail math, that consists of fucking useless formulas I am supposed to memorise so i can appease some dogshit bureaucrats who think they know what is best for everyone. fuck this at least it gives me a reason to die. fuck my education system",Suicidal +8635,"I literally just want to say to my family that ""I am depressed I have been wanting to kill myself"" like I just want to say this why does my brain just does not want to do it why cannot I just fuckijg do It the closest thing I did was texting ""I kind of want to kill myself lol"" to my bestfriend and it took me like an hour to decide if I should send it or not I want help but I cannot ask for it why am I like this Why cannot I just ask for help",Depression +8636,"I am pretty drunk right now, andece. Then it doesn get better. Ifeel more tired yet more energetic and certainly Alive, but I still want to die. is not that crazy,that even when I feel the most alive I ever do I still want to be dead? I am. Basically a zombie. I am animated dead, and I have been dead for q while, soon the magic will run out and I will start to rot next thing you know, they come to inspect my property in a few months and I am a pile of rotted flesh Wwll",Suicidal +8637,"The past few weeks I have been feeling really bad just for no reason, and recently I developed an extreme hatred for myself. Like inside of me splits into half and half of me take myself as my own enemy. I talked to my GP, my counsellor and the Samaritans, I take the tablets and tried suggestions they gave me but it all did not work really well. Like those things only help me at that moment but in the end it all comes back to where it was and started draining me out. I try to keep myself calm during the day but at night while everyone is asleep that is when I get extremely mad at myself like I am losing my mind. I have to bite/cut myself so the pain calms me down but I know this is not right and cannot be a long-term solution. Please if someone has gone through something similar let me know how you have overcome this? Thank you so much. Can someone give me advice please..?",Depression +8638,I have been suicidal for the past 3 weeks I do things to try to help myself nothing works what is the easiest way to do this I do not want to be here anymore Suicidal,Depression +8639,"I got psychotic episodes (really hard schizophrenia type shit) , anxiety and depression.I cannot sleep, I cannot eat and I have zero motivation, the only way I have to cope with it is drugs. I have so much of them I have been on drugs 24/7 recently. I just want to be normal and not suffering all day long. I am just sad for my family and friends but its too much, my brain is fried and I am only 19. I have a lot of oxycodone, benzos and dissociatives I am thinking about taking all of it to have a chill death.I am thinking about writing a letter for my family so I will not have to deal with them while I am still alive.I am convinced that death is an amazing feeling because I have had near death experiences from mdma and stimulant use, it was amazing I felt a reconforting feeling and all was love.I got too much childhood trauma from the time my mom died from cancer, I do not even remember her voice and face... Anyway I am planning on doing it this week end I hope I will not miss.Fuck this world fuck my life fuck everything it is over. I am done with this shit",Suicidal +8640,"I do not think it matters what I do but I will never matter to anyone. All I am good for is to pay bills and work... My spouse took me to this place he would been raving about, he had taken my daughter a few weeks back. We went and he acted nervous or like he was waiting for someone or maybe he was just embarrassed to be seen with me. Thinking back he walked behind me or not near me the entire time. Then yesterday while I was working he went back again. What bothers me more is he, who does not even like Chinese, kept pushing how he would go there to get ME food. I was not asking for it, I did not care what food was purchased. I felt manipulated but also was in the middle of work an it did not seem like the time to pry. I do not want to stop him from being happy either. It feels very manipulative to me. When he came back he was happy an ate and went back to sleep. He spent the rest of the evening on his phone till I went to sleep then ""had trouble sleeping"" and stayed up all night. This has become a cycle, apparently he only gets good sleep when I am awake. I keep thinking he is going to leave since last fall. Everyday I am prepared for him to tell me how he does not love me, that he never did. Every time he takes me somewhere public, as I push my cart I think is now when he is going to drop the ""It is whatever you want"" statement with 'because I am leaving you"". He has started saying the it is whatever you want,, what makes you happy, ect. These phrases combined with the fact that he will not even come near me. I have been here before... I am trying to get more hours at work and you know accept it. He looks disgusted when he looks at me, he does not want to be anywhere near me and there is no amount of putting lipstick on this pig to change it. My parents could not love me. My grandparents could not. How could anyone else want me in their life? I am just not good enough for anyone. I Will Never Be Good Enough",Depression +8641,"I do not have any serious problems. I have my family, I have friends, I am not poor or disabled, and I have a good life, but I just think death may be way better than lifeJust an empty void where you cannot feel or think anything. No pain, no sadness, no thoughts... It just seems perfect. And life seems to only long and boring. I am sorry for my bad english I am spanish I do not know what is happening",Suicidal +8642,It is for the information that the above drug is now out of stock in India. Please take up the matter with the P.M.O. so that the Intas company may be pressed upon to immediately start production so that the MAOI category Anti depression lunched in India in 2019 may be made available to the users..... Tranylcypromine Brand name Trivon 10mg not available in India.,Depression +8643,"I wrote my suicide note the other night, I have a plan as to how i am going to commit, I am self harming. I cannot stop binge eating,purging or starving myself. I want to quit my job. I am not sleeping. I feel numb alot of the time. I havnt showered or left the house in 4 days.But on the outside It just simply seems like I am bit lower and more tired than usual and it does not reflect how abysmall I feel on the inside and the reality of things being that I am slipping away. I constantly put up this stupid front of smiling, laughing, joking, chatting and generally being okay that it feels like second nature by now and I cannot turn it off.Since I cannot take down this mask I have of ""evrythings fine"" everything that comes out of my mouth seems disengenutous or as an off mark or dramatic comment. This afternoon I was put on the spot when going out tommorow was brought up, and I blurted out that ""I am not coping, I have been binging all day and I want to die"", to which I got 'yea sure'. The way I said it was very blunt and could have been done better but even with my clinically diagnosed depression I cannot seem to get through to them just how serious things are and get dismissed or told ""I need to change my outlook"", ""you just need to Try harder"", ""you do not really feel that way"", ""depression and eating disorders are privliges of a first world country and I should get over it"" or that 'you will grow out of it""I do not know how to get it across that I am drowning and I do not know how long I can keep treading water for.My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic and my death would likely push her into yet another psychotic break . My dad is her carer and has had to deal with alot of tragedy and hardship in his life already and I cannot make him go through my suicide on top of all that, but I am scared I am going to just do it one day on impulse or when the intrusive thoughts and reality of my life becomes too much.I know I am not going to kill myself tonight or tommorow but it is this constant itch in the back of my mind that never completely goes away. I wish I had let my heart fail when I had the chance. how do I express to my parents the severity of what I am going through and how depressed I actually am",Suicidal +8644,"I cannot help it but feel jealous about my other friends moving on in their lives. they are planning and packing and ready to further their studies overseas so so far away from our home country and I am mad. Mad that they do not have a care in the world that they are leaving their friends and family behind for a few years or maybe more if they stay back there to start working after uni. I am mad that it was so easy for them to make the decision to study overseas because they are mentally healthy and can make productive and positive changes in their lives with no trouble at all. I am mad that they are excited that things are going to change in their lives while I sit here wanting to die over every little thing that upsets me. I am mad that they have no financial troubles and can afford living and studying overseas for years when it was already hard for my parents to sustain my studies in my own country. I am mad that they are outgoing enough and will probably have a great new social life there and merge with the new cultures and dating life when dating has never been a serious thing among us friends in my home country before. I am jealous that they are confident enough in their own skin to do things they want to do. I can cry just thinking about all this. Jealousy, jealousy",Depression +8645,"It feels like everything is just a blur now. it is there and then it is gone like it is nothing. It feels never-ending and way too short at the same time. I have not felt like this until the last 2 years. I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember, but it is never been this bad. It really sucks cus I feel like I cannot truly appreciate the time I have with others. I have been suffering for a long time. I have honestly given up at this point, and the only reason I still try to push myself and progress is for other people. I know I need to love myself and treat myself better, I am trying, really. I have been trying, but I have never tried so hard in my life. it is so hard. I only ever talk to 4 people, which I do not have a problem with at all, but despite having these people in my life, I feel so alone in this world. Not the sense of loneliness in my room late at night, or loneliness from lack of love or affection, but just this lonely feeling. I feel so much pain and yet I feel nothing at the same time. I do not know what to do, and I do not know why I am posting this really. I have been trying to keep it to myself. When it gets bad I hold the gun in my hand, look at it, and just think. I do not know exactly what I am thinking in those moments, there is so much running through my head. I wonder, if there was no one on this earth I loved or cared for, would I be able to do it? There are so many beautiful things in life but this dark cloud takes over and distorts my vision, almost literally. It feels like it controls all of my body. I am not sure how to explain it. I do not know anymore",Depression +8646,"Firstly I just want to say I have never spoken or talked about this to anyone but I am really struggling with life, I have always had thoughts about killing myself somedays are better than others but the thoughts are always there I have also been self h@rming for years but it never helped, I want to talk to someone about it but scared incase I am just over reacting or what I am feeling is normal, I am pretty sure wanting to kill your self is not normal but it is the only feelings I have ever known. cannot keep feeling like this",Suicidal +8647,"I would wish this on anyone, its such a hard battle at times Depression is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship with your brain",Depression +8648,Life sucks.nothing to look forward to I am considering giving up,Depression +8649,"It pains me that this has happened to me. Grandpa died with me when I was 9 years old and my father got cancer and he died when I was 13 years old. I am afraid that these two events have changed my brain structure permanently and I will always be prone to depression. I quit smoking and suddenly became severely depressed, I had to go to a psychiatrist right away. It just hurts me that it happened to me, I would like to look at the world positively, but I cannot. I am only 20 years old, after my dad died, my grandmother promised me that nothing bad would happen to me, but she was wrong. I do not want to fight depression most of my life. I wish I had a normal life like the rest of my family, no one died in their childhood. It pains me that this has happened to me. It hurts me that my life would have been better if they had not died. My childhood was good, but death destroyed it. Fate sucks. It hurts me that it is all because of the death of my father and grandfather in childhood.",Depression +8650,"I wrote my suicide note the other night, I have a plan as to how i am going to commit, I am self harming. I cannot stop binge eating,purging or starving myself. I want to quit my job. I am not sleeping. I feel numb alot of the time. I havnt showered or left the house in 4 days.But on the outside I just simply seem a bit low and more tired than usual and not like I am slipping away or how abysmall I feel . I slip into smiling, laughing, joking and chatting, I am going to work, hanging out with my dogs, pretending I am doing my hobbies and doing things here and there around the house. I striaght up said ""I am not coping, I have been binging all day and I want to die"", to wich I got 'yea sure'. I do not know how to get it across that I am drowning and I do not know how long I can keep treading water for. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic and my death would likely push her into yet another psychotic break . My dad is her carer and has had to deal with alot of tragedy and hardship in his life and I cannot make him go through my suicide on top of all that, but I am scared I am going to just do it one day on impulse or when the intrusive thoughts and reality of my life becomes too much.I cannot take down this mask I have of ""evrythings fine"" so everything that comes out of my mouth seems disengenutous or just as an off mark or dramatic comment. I know I am not going to kill myself tonight or tommorow but it is this constant itch in the back of my mind and never completely goes away. how do I express to my parents the severity of what I am going through and how depressed I actually am",Depression +8651,"I wake up at noon after going to bed at 1am because I am tired but i just cannot seem to fall asleep. I lay on the bed tirelessly until 4 or 5am and finally sleep takes me. I spend 12 hours in bed sleeping badly and i wake up feeling like I have been hit by a truck. I am constantly tired all day. I have been studying for an exam for the past 2 weeks but i just cannot seem to learn anything, i keep going back to things i should have memorized by now but i keep forgetting. Because of this i feel worthless and i just do not have the drive to keep on going, I am considering dropping out of college, i just feel empty and i cannot seem to do anything right. I am always staring at a computer screen or with my neck down on the books, i have constant headaches that go away only when i take a day or two of pause from my studies but whenever i do so, i have constant anxiety because i feel like I am wasting time and i should be doing something productive. I am feeling so apathetic i cannot enjoy anything anymore, i cannot even start a new book or even a movie, i spend literally all my free time watching dumb videos on youtube that i ignore anyway since I am always staring into the void thinking about all the time I am wasting. Just writing this post is filling me with guilt since I am taking time away from my studies, but i know that the moment i go back to them I am going to be miserable again. I have no energy to do anything",Depression +8652,"I am an extremely introverted homosexual boy of 18 living in an extremely homophobic, judgemental society where gays are subjected to be killed if they ever come out, so I basically have no future other than living a lie in fear, hiding my feelings forever and never getting to love in my entire life. I used to be a very bright student who scored all A grades during my secondary education but ever since I started my high school, my grades have been drastically dropping because I am depressed all the time. I come from a big family with a history of bright minds and all my cousins, siblings and peers are all extremely well performing, meanwhile I am being a disgrace to my family. The pressure on me is immeasurable. I basically have no other talents, I have a weak, skinny body and I am not at all good at any sports either. In my attempts to search for something I am good at and as an attempt to hide my sexuality, I started going for basket-ball practice with some boys (because I found the game compelling), but only felt a burden to them and the only one who did not show any improvement in months, so I quit it. I do not even know what my career would be and what to try for even if I considered to live an unmarried life (which is again risky because I will be constantly judged). My social life is also non existent because I have just 2-3 friends who I talk to, and not one of them is close enough for me to share any of these with. I tend to distant everyone because I fear they will know my truth. I am also very insecure about my looks and my body so I have ceased to go out whatsoever unless necessary. I was also bullied back then at my hometown for having a feminine attitude until I got extremely sick and my family had to move to the city for better treatment for me, and ever since I have refused to return to my hometown even for a vacation. That said, I am also a sick person with a weak immune system and my family pays too much for my health care, for my studies etc and I do not think any of it is worth it. I also recently did a huge mistake, which is dating a girl who confessed to me, as an opportunity to change/hide my sexuality or in case someone is suspecting I was gay, only to hurt her due to lack of affection from me. I could not bear hurting her anymore so I broke up with her, but could not give a good reason for it, and it turns out she still loves me to this day and is constantly getting hurt. My siblings, parents have no idea what I am going through and often mocks me and jokingly comments on how I am good for nothing, not like other boys, ugly, etc. So I often avoid interacting with them either and isolate myself in the room for most of the time of the day. In short I am an ugly good-for-nothing living a lie in fear with no future yet with a lot of pressure on me. Thanks for reading. I did not have anyone to share this with",Depression +8653,"The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing, in so far as it stands ready against the accidental and the unforeseen, and is not apt to fall. ~ Marcus AureliusHow many of us, do I wonder, have felt the physical thrill of playful fighting with another as a child? Testing your strength against your father, perhaps your mother, as a child? Or play fighting with friends using sticks as magnificent swords of truthiness, and imagining the jungle gyms as your castles?As a child we all desire to be someone magnificent, no? Someone grand, who can fight the monsters and demons life throws at us, and be a beacon of hope and love for our fellows. Or mayhaps that might just be me?Because, as a child, there comes a time when we realize we are not so magnificent, we are not so powerful and full of divine strength and wisdom. We as children are faced with many moments where we are utterly helpless, and must rely on the love and kindness of others to get us through the day. I would say that we are children still, and always will be, until death teaches us our last lesson. I have come to realize that not one of the so called ""adults"" that surround me, truly know what they are doing. And I say that in a sense of, what they are doing with life, more so than what they are doing in their field of work or with their hobbies. I say that we are all still children, struggling our way through something that no one knows about, for what truly is life? What truly is the reason we have come into being?Have you ever had a child ask you question after question? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why do I breathe? Why do I eat? Why am I alive? Why? Why? Why? it is like they are wrestling your mind this time, instead of testing their strength against yours. I worked, for a time, in a children's rehabilitation center for those who had been sexually assaulted, had sexually assaulted others, were addicted to drugs, had anger issues and have murdered. Children. Some were adolescents, some were only 12 in age and had been passed through the system because their mothers and fathers could care less about them. Why does not my mother love me, I heard once. I had not an answer. I did not know who this child's mother was because she never bothered to come visit. All I knew was that she had issues of her own, nothing excusable mind you. The child clung to me because I had answered so many of their questions before, but I had no answer then. It was only days later he was begging me not to let the police take him away. It broke me, because I did not have an answer then either. I digress, I live in a past moment. I state this because these children were wrestling their demons, but no one had taught them how too. No one had cared enough, it seemed to me, because no one wanted to, or truly knew how to, handle them. Granted there were maybe two others besides myself that wanted to do their best for the children, but its easy to burn out against a system that only cares about the money these troubled youths bring them. I do not ignore their transgressions, never that. But these were children. They were wrestling against traumas no one bothered to show them how to handle. They were mimicking the so called ""adults"" in their life they were told to trust. They were doing what was done to them. It made me truly understand that every other human being might be wrestling against their own demons, and with no one in their corner, how can one expect them to face the hundreds of opponents and circumstances that life always throws at us?Do you wrestle without knowing how to wrestle? Yes, that is how you learn. Is it easier when someone that you can trust helps you, teaches you, and shows you how to wrestle? Yes. What I am saying is there are a thousand, thousand ways to fight something. You learn alot of that on your own, and you may not know there is a better way to do it, until someone comes along and bothers to show you.My final point, is, as Marcus Aurelius states, humans, animals, organisms, will wrestle with many things in their attempt at life. Or in other terms, to live is to struggle. Knowing that, should we not all attempt to make it easier on others? Knowing that you yourself have been through many matches where you were outnumbered, with no one in your corner, can you truly blame yourself for just trying? For when the bell tolls, it signals your match is at its end. So Live. Struggle and survive. Wrestle, fight, war against life. Do not fall , stand tall and rage, rage against the machine.And stop being so damn hard on yourself For whom the Bell tolls, the wrestler, the pacifist, the young and the old, the struggling, the peaceful, the villain and the bold.",Suicidal +8654,"Had a post like this a while ago I think I deleted it. I am going to be gone later this week. Thanks for all the support from this subreddit but nothing can stop my abusive sister, lousy parents and all the shit I put with before.Goodbye Goodbye for the second time",Suicidal +8655,Weird question but how many of these people do you think are still alive? there is 777000 but only a 1600 avg on?,Depression +8656,I do not know if anyone else experienced this. Do you ever have suicidal thoughts for the sake of having them? I am randomly thinking about it and almost glorifying it in my head. Its weird Suicidal ideation for no reason at all?,Suicidal +8657,"I got a new therapist who I had my second appointment with today. She asked me why I am so slow at opening up. And I told her that she probably will not get me anyways.So a little later I talked about how I do not think life is for me and that I feel I would be better off dead. And that bitch proceeded to tell me that I am selfish and a coward for wanting to die. I had to hold myself back so much from just saying ""and this just proves my point of you not understanding"". I will not visit any therapist again,I am sick of them all pretending to know how to help. This is the third time,I would rather give up. Therapists are useless",Suicidal +8658,"The likelihood of this happening is near zero, and I probably would not want any passengers/the pilot to die too, but whenever I hear the ""zeeeee"" sound, I think about what a blissful painless death it would be if it crashed to the ground onto me. Exit stage left. Every time I hear a plane go by I wish it crashed into me",Depression +8659,"My life is nowhere near as bad as the Syrian refugees, or the quadriplegics stuck in their iron lungs. At the same time, almost everything about it brings me deep dissatisfaction. My family is dysfunctional to the peak and I oftentimes feel mistreated by them. My mother, especially, offers me little empathy and takes out all of her anger on me. I hate myself as well. I am short, skinny and I hate my hair. My hair is embarrassingly important to me and it rarely ever looks good anymore, I am not sure what I am doing wrong. I am socially awkward and have no friends in school or even on the internet. I suck at school and despite my efforts have little future prospects. I am from a country with mandatory military service and I know that I am exactly the kind of wussy, quiet guy who gets tormented there. My biggest ambition in life is to leave my country, hopefully for America or Canada, but with the harsh immigration laws and my lack of a STEM inclination it will be near impossible. I seriously do not know what to do with my life. I am too much of a pussy to end it, not because I am scared of death but because I have the pain threshold of a piece of paper (despite having chronic illness for most of my life lol). I just needed to vent, that is all. No one else would ever listen to me. I do not understand the point of life anymore.",Suicidal +8660,"it is not like I have a terrible life or anything, but I do not get it. I go on stunning hikes, and feel little more than ""meh"". I do things I think I like, but stop because I feel no gratification. Shit, even when I help my friends and family I feel nothing despite their genuine appreciation. I do not get what is so great about existing.",Depression +8661,Why cannot I fucking be happy ever. What did I do to deserve this. I wish I lived in anime and had a happy life with people who actually liked me. I wish I was normal. I crave affection like oxygen but the slightest HINT of affection makes me physically sick. I hate this. I hate this. I wish I could press a button to get people to put me out of my misery painlessly. I cannot wait till I am old enough to go to a country and get euthanised. Why.,Suicidal +8662,"Who else knows the feeling of going into a new place but knowing that the new people you will meet you will disappoint when they get to know you? I started a new job and while I am still looking for work from home jobs, this job is so hard to wake up to every morning. The work itself requires a lot of emotional labor and is the kind that does not finish. People were nice to me here at first but the way that I am, I do not act the way I look I guess. I am way too shy, do not take risks, naive. Now its lucky if people look my way. I was never good with people and coming back to work with other people reminds me of that and its just frustrating all over again. I get headaches at the end of the day. And then I have to do it all over again the next day. I tried this job but Ill need to find something new. Its a cycle",Depression +8663,"If something has a beginning, it surely has an end, right? As soon as I believe its all out of nothing, then maybe I will have enough courage to do it. How to be not afraid of afterlife and actually believe there is only nothingness?",Suicidal +8664,My friend got grounded around 5 months ago and I think she might have killed herself at some point. Nobodys answering her insta account (we only talked there) and I think I found one of her friends and texted them but I do not know if she is going to respond. I just want to know if she is alive how can I figure it out.I am suicidal and she is depressed. HELP MY FRIEND MIGHT BE DEAD,Suicidal +8665,"A friend of mine is having a lot of thoughts about committing suicide lately. And apparently I am the only one who knows about them. Plus I see him getting closer and closer to rock bottom. I feel like I have to do something but I do not really know what, and clearly he does not know what it would take for me not to do it either. What do I do? A friend of mine is having a lot of thoughts about committing suicide lately, I do not know what to do",Suicidal +8666,"I always read that telling people you trust is the best option for getting help, but it just feels meaningless when they tell me I should think about my future and how I should fight for my life when I am suicidal. Literally all I see for my future is suicide and if not then unemployed, pathetic, still relying on my parents, etc. I feel like a baby that is not trying and I am convinced that I really am just lazy and not trying, but why should I when I see no point in it. I plan to kill myself soon anyways. None of it will matter. You just get mad and insult or laugh at me when I tell you that so I will not and your eyes are always filled with judgement. I do not get why you do not want to tell me to kill myself instead of going through the struggle of telling me why I should not Telling me to fight for my life will not work since I am suicidal",Depression +8667,I know my worth. I know enough. Fuck everyone who tells me or thinks of me otherwise. Fuck you. Fuck you.,Suicidal +8668,"I have been trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist for weeks and with nobody taking any new patients amid the pandemic, I am left with nothing. I immediately panicked when I woke up this morning and started seizing. Refused to call the ambulance, and drove myself to the ER despite feeling blacked out. Now I am nervous they are about to admit me to an inpatient center due to the nature of the questions they are asking. I genuinely do not want burden my family with these bills. Advice, somebody 21F in the ER with intrusive thoughts",Depression +8669,"Since it is quarantine + summer break , I ended up feeling miserable , my room is messy , I feel too lazy to shower , I often feel bored, I try to balance my diet but I end up regretting with eating some pasta, I did not exercise for months , I do not practice my hobbies anymore, I feel so sad and out of control , I just want to die .The life of a student during summer break while having a panademic. Summer break and quarantine",Depression +8670,Nobody I know wants to truly die. I mean one of my friends yes. But she has an eating disorder and honestly dors nothing but work and go to school not even dress cute or do anything fun at all. But even she can manage to survive without abusing substances. Why me? Everyone always says its you its you. Yes maybe its me but do you think if I start a new hobby like working out that I absolutely despise its going to be better? No. Why is it only me,Suicidal +8671,"The negative thoughts have been really strong lately, constantly telling me how worthless I am, reminding me of the mistakes I have made in my live and how my future is going to be hopeless. These thoughts are all-consuming and they are eating me alive. When I am in such a state, the only thing that provides me some comfort are suicidal thoughts. It relieves me to think about how I could just step out of this life and end the pain. Suicidal thoughts used to scare me but not anymore. They tend to calm me down now, thinking I will be at peace when I will finally do it. Suicidal thoughts give me comfort",Suicidal +8672,"I have not been able to sleep because I have been constantly crying. Heck, I am still fucking crying. Just last night me and my sister finally spoke up against my mother. My mothers always been putting us down and telling us about how much she is sacrificed for us and I know I am supposed to feel grateful, but the way she says it makes me feel like I am a financial burden and all this degrading has like, internalized into a deep self hatred over the past 15 years. I had just graduated college and honestly, I really cannot afford to live on my own because of my health conditions and that my state is very costly to live in. I would not be able to afford living on my own unless I risk my health and risk losing my dream of being able to do art. My hands will not be usable if I had to work 2 or more minimum wage jobs. And last night was just the final straw. I am so fucking sick of the same fucking shit, and its like nothing I do enough is good enough to satisfy her. Oh, you got good grades? Well my coworkers daughter was valid Victorian. Oh, you are studying art? Well, its not going to get you work and I know my coworkers daughters who are nurses now and make so much money. I just want to have some, even if its just a little validation, like maybe a good job or something, but all I get is 15 years of self hatred a loss of my will to live. I swear, the only few reasons I am still around are just personal projects, obligations to hang out with people and the fear of death, but at this point idk if I can take this shit much longer. I just want someone to tell me that I am not a failure. Is that too much to ask? I feel like no matter what I do its never good enough, and if I want to do something, Id end up where I started",Depression +8673,"I wish covid would have never ever happend. It sheddered me in 1000 pieces it broke me. I am completing lost. The only two friends I have left are school friends and one I do not even talk to and the other one is just pissed because I do coke. What has my life became? What is this? I used to go to the mall and eat out with my friend and then go shopping or to the park, movies and we talked and laughed it was fun. Drugs? If you would have given me 100 back then I would have not even thought about it. I only vaped sometimes and that already felt like a crime to me. And now? Not even drugs truly let me escape reality and alcohol I am just clueless and hopeless I wish covid would have never happened",Suicidal +8674,"I am 21 and I have started feeling that I have not done anything in my life. I wanted to party with my friends, do the late night road trips and stuff with them but my parents are too possessive about me and hardly allow me to socialize with my friends. And now I am 21 thinking that only 1 more year left to end my college/university days and then I will be doing some 9-5 job somewhere.. Everyone else will be busy in their life.. And when I am free to take my own decisions I will be burdened with responsibilities already.. What should I do?",Depression +8675,"Specially for people like me who has no one to vent toI'm bad at giving advice and comforting people, I see people who gives kind words and advice to posters here if i had unlimited awards ill spend it here Huge 'thank you' for the people who replies to posts here",Depression +8676,Nothing excites me anymore its just an activity which occupies me until I am dead Everything is only a distraction,Suicidal +8677,"I was never meant to live. People my age are cheerful and energetic, they have hobbies and interests and goals while I have nothing. I have been like this for years, but I thought the problem would fix itself as I grew older. Well it did not, I am still an empty she will. Watching my friends enjoy their youth makes me so miserable, why cannot I be like them? Why do I have to be so defective? My mom deserved a better child than me. I so badly wish that I could die, every single day I wish I had never been born. No matter how many meds I take, no matter how much I try, one day my life will end in suicide, I just know it. I am too weak, dumb and unambitious for this life.",Suicidal +8678,"If I would overcome my fears and stepout of my comfort zone and finally go to therapy then what? What should I tell them? That I do drugs? That I earn money illegally? (I do not sell drugs) What are they going to do? Lock me in the psychatry or prison? Or even both??? And what should I say what my next move is? To be honest my next move is not going to university or doing something normal its doing more drugs, harder drugs to escape reality. I cannot do this anymore I did not do drugs for 3 days and I am beyond miserable Going to therapy and saying what?",Suicidal +8679,I am ready to finally kill myself I am useless time to stop putting it off I am ready,Suicidal +8680,"It gives you nothing I have all these 3 and at the end of the day I am still miserable Being pretty, skinny and having money brings you nothing",Suicidal +8681,"Practically every day, I see posts on social media from those looking for their answers to this and very similar questions: many from the context of having done a great deal of reflection through the Covid crisis and now, as we (hopefully) begin to emerge in to a new, and changed, reality. Wellbeing psychology and the solution focused approach have a huge amount to offer in this respect and I am currently considering the feasibility of PERMA Hypnotherapy offering a program to meet this end, combining the best from these areas to give a structured approach and an outcome that is a clear understanding of; this is what I am, this is what my life is about, here is what I am going to do and why - and this is my legacy to the world. It would be interesting to hear if there is a demand for such a program and, if so, what specifically would you like to see? what is the point?",Depression +8682,"I would be preaching to the choir if I explained how much pain I feel or how bleak things are. Can anybody share some quick tips on why I should stay alive or how I can? I do not think life is worth it, and my mind is just mangled How can I keep living?",Depression +8683,I am not in the right mindset to have a job right now. I am 16 and have suicidal and homicidal thoughts everyday. I had crippling anxiety and now every second of my day its even worse because of my new job. I wake up anxious and I go to sleep anxious. Last time I asked my moms for anxiety pills she yelled at me and took all my stuff. Idk what to do. Please help me Please help me,Suicidal +8684,"I have never felt good enough for anything or anyone. Everyone leaves in the end anyway. Its not my looks its me but why do most people despise me? I know that I am rather introverted and quiet but that is because growing up my mother always yelled at me and I do not like yelling and being loud it makes me super uncomfortable. Everyone always thinks that I am unhappy and not comfortable, maybe I am but how can one be truly happy if they have no goal they are striving towards or any internal motivation let alone true friends and family? How am I suppose to escape this hole of negativity and misery if everyone always says: you look depressed, lost, sad. Yes I am, I try my best to hide it but why point it out? Never good enough",Suicidal +8685,"I will die in peace , i will let society eat and kill each other to death, i just do not want to be a part of this madness anymore, I will be free like the dead people",Suicidal +8686,"I am a wretched mess. I find myself to be a terrible fucking person. I started to feel better since a few months back but right now, as of the 27th of July of 2021 at 7:35 am in the morning, I am doing worse. I want to just take a shitload of tylenol and hope that I am not the 60% of people who experience pain during liver failure.I promised my girlfriend that I would get her help. Shit, I got a panic attack brcause I could not get her an online meeting with a psychiatrist that could help her as soon as possible. I promised her she would be happy again soon. I promised her I would stay. I promised her that she would get better. But she is not. She is not getting better.I am the one making things worse, she cannot see it, but I am. The most recent argument left me devastated for no fucking reason whatsoever, apart from me realizing that its not something else that is the problem. Its not that we both have problems. Its meI am the problem.I want her to be happy and find someone better than me. Someone that will not use manipulative tactics without realising. Someone who will be able to trust her again easily even after breaking my trust once. But I broke hers ""for the better"" and that ended in a dumpster fire. All I leave behind is chaos. The bad kind of chaos. I need to pull out the weed from the flower patch by the root, so it will not grow again. I dom't want her to come with me. I want her to find someone better than me after I am gone (if I find the courage to take more than two pills of tylenol) and live those dreams we had with a proper man that will take care of her and can take care of her. I am sorry Margarita. I am sorry that I have done all of this to you. I love you. If anyone can help, please do but I want her to let go so she will have less suffering, pain and toil than what she is currently experiencing with me. Here is a small list or shitpost I did to explain a bit more the situation:Toss me away, I am the problem.Toss me aeay I am the problemIm the problemIm the one limiting youIm the one putting conditions to our loveI cannot bear drugs, you canIm the one holding you downIm the one using manipulation tactics without realizingYoure not the real problem, I amHow do I tell youHowI do not knowI do not know how toLet go, it will do you less harmWhen x in the equation is 0, everything else multiplied by that number will be 0I am x=0You are the equation bring multiplied by 0I multiply your problems Let me goI promiseI promise you that its one of the few things that you can trust me onIll try and remove the problemAnd the problem is meI love you but let me goSo you can have no tethers holding you down to wherever you want to goI am weak; I am not strongWhy is that when I held a knife in my hand, I did not end it all? July 27th, 2021Because I am too weak, that is all My eyes are tired and so am IOf everything that I do, most hurts youI try to help but all I doIs ending up hurting you more than anyone I want to close my eyes and fadeInto the unknown world of the pearly gatesOr whatever I getBecause hell is what I deserve After every little thing that I have done, that is what I deserveLet me go pleaseI do not wish to harm you more than I have doneIve done enough here, so please leave me beLeave me to torment myself and finally find the courage To relieve you and meOf the pain to be with meYes, thr last part rhymes because i got aome shitty witty inspiration. But please help me either to find the courage to free herself of thr unknowing misery she is in or to help rewrite my whole fucking self.Thank you, for reading so far random stranger, and I hope your life turns out better than mine has been so far. I want to do it, but I cannot get myself to do it",Depression +8687,"I have no hobbies, no interests, no friends, I have no motivation for anything, no future. The only thing I still care about and have still been hanging on for is my parents. I have been thinking about suicide for a while but they are the only reason I have not gone through with it yet. Yesterday was just like any normal day, everything was fine. I had just picked up the movie Spiral and was wanting to watch it with my dad the next night since we were both big saw fans. I went to sleep and the next thing I know my family was waking me up saying he had a heart attack while on a walk with the dog. We rushed to the hospital, where they told us they could not bring him back and he was gone. It felt like such a surreal moment, like none of it was even real. I saw his body and cried so fucking much, but it is like it has not fully sunken in yet. It probably will though soon. And when it does.. I think I am finally going to do it. For the past several years I have been struggling with bad dpdr and depression, and because of it I have been avoidant of a lot of stuff. I have gone out less and less, talked to people less, even going out places with my family. Anytime they would go somewhere and asked me to come I would say no and just stay home. I wish I could take back all those times. Wish I would have not been such a lazy piece of shit and actually made the effort to get better and spend time with them. If I had actually said something, or went to a doctor about it, and not waste my life by sitting around doing nothing, avoiding it and avoiding them. Wish I would have done more with him. Wish I would have done more with all my family. A couple weeks ago I told him a bit about some of my problems, and I promised him I would start going out more and try to get better. He was one of the only things left I still cared about and lived for, and now that he is gone.. I do not think I have the strength to keep going. I am sorry to everyone. Sorry to my dad. Sorry to my family. Sorry to everyone I was ever an asshole to. I wish I could go back 10 years and just have a do over on everything. My dad just died and I think I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +8688,She and I had been engaged for a few years. I got in one disagreement and Words came out wrong and I ended with her. Then we tried to resolve it and we talked again and it looked good. But her mom is like I will disown you if you date him again and she is afraid to be cut off from her family. I am super depressed and cannot sleep or concentrate. She told me to move on and i have not bugged her but i still feel horrible Ended it with my fianc of 6 years,Depression +8689,This is my face when i feel ready to do itThis is my face when i decide not do it,Suicidal +8690,"So I have had suicidal ideation come and go for the past few years, it can be pretty scary but I manage to pull through. I talked to a few of my friends about it recently (none of them have any diagnosed mental health problem) yet they admit that from time to time they have suicidal thoughts, so my question is, what percent of people with suicidal ideation actually commit suicide? What percent of people with suicidal ideation actually commit suicide?",Depression +8691,"Have been on the bathroom floor unable to breathe from crying so hard. Its just not worth it, I mean nothing and am so unimportant Want to die",Depression +8692,"No one takes my anxiety seriously. In my family, it is no secret that I struggle with severe anxiety. I do not want to give too much detail, but they do little things that make me feel like they really do not give a crap about my anxiety. Like how I hate taking pictures, especially with other people, because I feel self-conscious and literally feel like the ugliest person alive. I told them about it and they apparently understood. Then a few days later they force me (Literally pull me by the arm) to be in a picture with them that is not even important and I instantly lost all my trust in them.I remember running to my room afterward and bawling my eyes out. I did not even want to look at the picture. I know it is not even that big of a deal, but it really affected my ability to open up to people because I felt that no matter how supportive they act, they will never really take anything I say or feel seriously and I just felt like the biggest wuss ever because, I mean, it is just a picture, right? why the hell am I so scared of a picture?Of course, this is not the only thing I am dealing with. I really hope I am not the only one that is going through this, but I do not feel human anymore. It feels like my mind has detached from my body. I do not feel present. It feels like I am floating and like I am not alive. Idk how to explain this, but it gets even worse during stressful situations. I do not know what I want anymore. It feels like my body is trying to tell me something but I do not know what it is.I remember when it started. I had just had the biggest mental breakdown I had ever had and I just went numb afterward and that numbness has not gone away since.I do not know man. Life is just so fricking tiring and lonely. Just venting",Depression +8693,"Anyone find cycling phenylalanine and 5htp daily is a great way to remove depression? My depression has recently been bad and libido too. I find phenylalanine can really deliver motivation and a good feeling, however it can easily become unbalanced if not mixed with 5htp. It has been a while since I did this, but today feel reallly motivated after dl-phenylalanine, will go up to at least 2,000mg and then later tonight will have 5htp if feel the need. Phenylalanine and 5htp - great for depression?",Depression +8694,i do not have a gunwhat are some easy and painless ways to kill myself? best way to kill myself?,Suicidal +8695,I have terrible anxiety. My parents will not allow me therapy. I do not have money nor the means to afford therapy. And I feel that I have repressed anger and depression. I am always thinking or overthinking most of the time. What must I do to recover or release this anxiety. I am not allowed to leave my house. So something I can do indoors will help a-lot. Thank you I want to learn how to release anxiety.,Depression +8696,"I have tried everything people recommend and kept at it for several months: exercising, meditating, going out in the sun, talking to people, being grateful etc...I still have a negative mindset and feel like crap on most days. The exercise does not matter: yeah, I have more muscles, so what? how is that of use? I wish I cared more about my body, but I do not really. Meditating just leaves me with my bad thoughts for too long. Being grateful for minute things just reminds me that I have not achieved big things etc... The cycle continues and I feel powerless to climb up from the hole I dug myself. Nothing seems to help to get me out of this funk...",Depression +8697,"Hello anyone reading this, it is 10:10pm Tuesday 27th of July and I just feel like shit you know, I let everyone down, my family, my friends, I want to make a billion apologies to them for doing all these wrong things, I hate myself. I cried for the first time in a long time, I just need a hug man, I do not even know what they feel like anymore. I have school tomorrow and just got out of lockdown today. Failed my exams from last term, I am 16 and still do not have a female friend lol and I am bad at video games. I have a lot of questions and need answers, I am lost in life do not know what to do, do not know how to move on, do not know how to get better. I need someone to guide me in life. Thoughts",Depression +8698,"I am afraid of myself. I have bottled my emotions for so many years. Also, I have a poor anger management. This year, every time I experience a small inconvenience, I release a little bit of that bottled emotions. I am afraid that I might release it all at once at some point. I am afraid that once all my bottled emotions have erupted, I might hurt others. That is why I try to isolate myself to other people because I might hurt them. Since I still live with my parents, I also try to stay away from my siblings and my parents because I might hurt them. I do not wish to come to a point that I will hurt my parents or siblings because of my mental instability. Because of this the only thing that comes to mind is to you know, kill myself. I am really sorry to post here. I have no one to talk to about my personal problems, I also cannot afford to go to a psychologists because of financial problems. Sometimes I cry by myself because I am so disappointed to myself. I am really afraid that I might get crazy in the future :((. That is all, thank you for reading my short post. I am really afraid",Suicidal +8699,"My mum was explaining to me that depression is a choice, or excuse that people use. She was explaining to me that she was depressed until she decided not to be and decided to play a different character This is obviously very frustrating for me to hear as someone that is trying their best every day but still not meeting their parents expectations. A part of me is even wondering if maybe she is right and if I just tried harder maybe I could do better? My parents think depression is a choice",Depression +8700,"Does anyone else find that waking up in the morning is the most depressing time of day? I wake up sometimes and I feel like the world is closing in on me.I am just looking to see if other people have this issue.I do not really consider myself depressed, per se, and I try to maintain a positive outlook, but the mornings are really hard for me sometimes. mornings",Depression +8701,"Disclaimer: English is not my mother tongue.Plz do not get triggered for any grammatical errors I made.I am a (M19) Electrical engineering student and my entire life is such a mess. Never had friends since childhood, Got bullied for being skinny in my school days, living an alienated life. Since childhood I have some mental health problems and Emotional Deprivation Disorder. I tried to express how I feel to my parents but they just blame it on video games and mobile phone thinking that I am addicted to it. If I had friends I would not spend entire day on video games and YouTube. it is the only way I get entertained and Enjoy myself. Every day I struggle to fall asleep. I have the habit of hitting myself on my head if I get angry or sad, sometimes I just do that for no reason. I am so ashamed to even get out of my house because of my poor self esteem and Confidence. it is easy for most people to say be confident and think positive. but little they know who much struggled to improve myself through some self help books but nothing works. I never had anyone to express my real self. I have difficulty to be affectionate towards anybody. I just wonder how normal people do that and form close friendships. My entire life incidents motivates me to die. The loneliness grew so big I just cannot escape. Gave up all the hope to live like a normal person. I feel like a alien and cannot tolerate living in this world. I wish I could either die or get help",Suicidal +8702,"Swallowed around half a bottle of 200 gram coated ibuprofen tablets, whole pill bottle has 500 pills. Will this be enough and how long will it take? Farewell possibly",Suicidal +8703,"**TW: suicide**Its currently 6am and I cannot sleep. Its 6am and have not gone to sleep yet. I am too overwhelmed too sleep.I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for diagnostic evaluation, in a couple weeks. My summer break is over a few days after my appointment and I am panicking. I am not ready to go back to school yet. I need a diagnosis before I go back, I literally cannot function, everyday of my life is living hell and I cannot take it anymore. My parents will not let me get vaccinated for covid and I do not want to go back to school where most everyone is not vaccinated. I am really worried for my appointment with the psychiatrist. I am worried that I will not be diagnosed on the first appointment and Ill have to go back to school without meds not knowing what is wrong with me.Last year, I failed most of my classes and I really do not want to retake my failed classes at irl school because I am too embarrassed to let everyone know that I am failing. My pediatrician recommended that I get a tutor and a 504. I have already have a 504 plan but my parents and I know nothing about it so its doing nothing to help me. I am too embarrassed to get a tutor because I do not want to feel stupid in front of a tutor if I do not know something.I am having a really bad time right now and I am so tired but not like sleepy tired, I am just so tired of feeling like shit everyday and not being understood. I feel like I am going crazy. I am not planning on killing myself or anything, I just wish there was nothingness. Everyday I get worse though, everyday I get more and more sick of everything and want to say fuck it. Sometimes I at least want to half-ass trying to kill myself so that people will know that I am actually suffering and they will take me seriously. Idk, thanks for listening, bye. I am not doing too good",Depression +8704,"Throwaway for obv reasons, English is not my first language, on mobile, etcI will kill myself, I cannot stand if anymore. I have nobody to reach out to, nobody that cares if I live or not. I have had one friend that I have talked to about my problems and feelings and she abandoned me. I was too annoying and made her feel bad. I totally get where she is coming from, so I guess I will just do her and everyone else a favor and end it all. I got nothing to loose at this point, and nobody would really care anymore. I was and am a total worthless piece of shit and nobody is scared of loosing me. The only sense of happiness I feel is when I think about ending it all. Posting here is my last resort or maybe I feel like I want to leave something behind My time has come",Suicidal +8705,"I just had to write it finally idk. I just want to jump off a terrace headfirst and die. My chest is constantly hurting, it is like someone is crushing my heart with their bare hands and yanking it out. My head is constantly aching and i do not feel anything. it is all at once. I do not even know what it feels like to be happy anymore or anything else that gives me happiness. I have given up on everything that I liked. I am just slogging through uni because I have to. I have no friends, no emotional support and a boyfriend whom I am terrified of. I lie to him about being okay all the time because I know he will fight with me if I say why I am not doing well and it will end up ruining whatever time I spend with him which in turn will ruin my head even more. I want to die I just want to end it. I have been pulling it so far only because of my dog. he is the reason I have to live but nothing feels okay. This was not supposed to happen, this was supposed to be the best time of our lives. I am 20(f). I was bullied throughout my teenage years by school mates and before that my relatives. I have been subject to sexual abuse multiple times as a child and the perpetrators unharmed and successful right now. I am faking it for everyone. I just want to stab myself in the neck. I have attempted a few times before and failed. I fail at everything. I am broke, useless, ugly, alone, fucked up, numb, a burden to everyone. I want to delete myself (TW: mention of suicide)",Depression +8706,The urge is getting stronger each day. I need help. I am a much better person than this. Please bring me back to my sense. I truly missed my old self My suicidal tendencies started to develop into suicide+murder intention.,Suicidal +8707,"In lockdown and struggling with multiple mental health issues. Not confident Ill get through this, please send encouraging thoughts. Its been a rough night. Support needed!",Suicidal +8708,"My best friend since 8th grade left me recently. My current best friend who is my only friend left started talking to her abusive and manipulative ex, who sabotaged and ended my best friend's romantic relationship after a couple weeks after he came back in her life. My girlfriend seems colder towards me. I am expected to finish so many things and I am not making much progress on them. My family's expectations of me are too high. I have been depressed for years and have social problems. I know this all seems very mild and i guess it is. I just have a thing in my head gnawing at my sanity. I feel so lonely, so isolated. I am trying my best not to hurt myself again or attempt. But its so hard. So so so so so so so hard. I am trying, I promise I am trying. I am scared. I do not know what I am rambling on about. I do not know why i am. I am just so scared. I am sorry for this entire thing. I am sorry. I know everything I said sounds very small and irrelevant and i guess it is but the main problem are not those its just my mind. I feel like its just a stormy blurry mess with so many bad thoughts. The outer stuff are just jabs but the inner stuff is the uppercut. Does that make sense? I am genuinely terrified. I do not know. I am sorry I do not know..",Suicidal +8709,"Life is all shitty thing after shitty thing. you study for a degree that you do not really care anymore bc the environment is so stressful for so little knowledge payoff that it just seems like ur wasting everyone is time, + the school fucks up ur schedule even if you try to stay at the top of ur game, even tho you feel like ur not learning anything useful, specifically to not have problems with that, and now you cannot even try to change classes even tho they are simply STILL HIRING the ppl who should have been teaching you since semester started weeks ago. And then you graduate to work in an ok career, will not get much, but at least I am going to be able to have a job, just to feel like you have not actually learned a dang thing which forces you to go BACK to that academic setting that makes you want to actually commit ever since you were in school being the butt of everyone is joke, while still trying to manage working because you have to get out of ur parents house as soon as possible to live in whatever shitty place you can get if you want to cut an inch off your hair. Even tho ur parents were living at your grandmas ur whole childhood and she did not give a shit what they did with their bodies, you do not get the same range because of, take a guess, fucking politics! That are not getting any better bc no matter what fucktards get in power you are still going to be discriminated against for the rest of your life on at least 3 dif bases and the people who fight for udont actually, they just want ur vote. you are probably going to be alone also because the person you love is also dying to go back to her home state, one of the less diverse regions in the country and wants to live moving places whereas with you that just sounds like a lot of planning and uncertainty and a lot of planning and uncertainty sounds like even more stress + mocing around w/ ur profession that is not that easy (but hey i got no ambition anyways so maybe that can be arranged). And it does not even matter bc there is no long run, the planet is literally fucjing dying! All and all, feels impossible to simply get over all of it and live normally Just feels impossible not to be depressed",Depression +8710,"I wish I could start over again. I feel like I missed out. I feel like I have not developed. I am generally content, but only when there is absolutely no pressure on me. As soon as there is even a smidge of pressure and am alone I lose control over my emotions and stress out over everything.I guess I should write a bit about myself. I am 22, have asperger syndrome, live with my parents and attend university (forestry major). In primary school and highschool everyone called me smart. All my live I kind of strolled through it with no resistance. I was happy. I never had trouble with anything. But once I entered university that gradually changed. Suddenly things became hard, people had expectations of me. I have to know what is to come months in advance and prepare for it.I feel fake. I do not have the passion for foresty my other classmates had. I only chose this major because I kind of liked biology class in highschool. But I never had a passion for it. In highschool I could just stroll along and do fine, but that just does not work anymore. Everyone wants me to know what I want. I do not know what I want! Or its more like I do know what I want I just want an easy life. An easy job. I wish I joined a college instead or maybe some kind of trade school, maybe I could have learned carpentry or plumbing or how to fell trees. Id be happy just working under a boss, 9 to 5, just do as I am told. I could have had my own home by now if I did that. Id be able to come home after work and do something else. Play some games, watch TV, maybe get into a new hobby like reading or writing, maybe try dating. I cannot do any of that in college. I am constantly anxious and overwhelmed and I cannot pay attention and I do not know what to do and I fear that all jobs in this field will be equally stressful and exhausting.Despite the trouble I described I largely made it through all my classes. I actually only have 1 test that I need to resit. But I do not want to do it anymore. I wish they never put the idea in my head that I am smart. I do not feel smart. I feel like an idiot that cannot handle the real world. I am so exhausted from looking for internships. I am so tired from having to do a large project each semester along with having to learn for multiple huge tests.I cannot quit university now. That would kill my mother, she is so worried about it. I can feel it in everything she does. So that is what I want to do. I want to at least finish university, and then I will see what I do.I wish I could do my entire life over again knowing what I know now. Id do it all so differently. Id spend more time being active, going outside, moving, learning new things, learning how to deal with adversity, Id find something I am passionate for or at least something I could enjoy doing as a peaceful job.I hope this rant is not against the rules or anything. I read them and it seems fine. Writing down my emotions and regrets like this makes it easier for me to process my emotions. But I do not know how long I can go without another emotional breakdown from my mounting anxiety. Either Way thanks for reading. Not sure if depressed but... Please hear me out. My negative emotional outbursts have been getting more common.",Depression +8711,Why does this always happen I do not even know what i expect to happen why do i even bother to talk just fck all of this I hate when people i open up to start diagnosing me,Depression +8712,"""I m sick and tired on how my life's going"",i know it sound so cliche but that how I being truly feeling recently,I feel like everyday my life's going downhill. it is been like a month since I have been feeling like this. I WAS not this type of a guy . I do not feel like working out which I used to love doing for like 4-5 times a week. I have been eating less and less everyday, I got a lot of assignment and studying pending too but I just cannot do it. I only get motivation to work for max an hour or two only when the work is really important otherwise I spend most of my day laying in my bed I just do not like how everything is going recently, I just want my motivation back, so that I get back to my normal life back I want my motivation back",Depression +8713,The worst depression day ever. So scared to die because I might even fail at that.,Suicidal +8714,"Why the fuck was I raised being told men cannot show their true emotions. I had a mental breakdown last night, first time I have cried in years and I cannot tell anyone about it. I cannot seek help without looking weak. I was born into a pretty fucked family and I do not know what to do anymore. I am afraid. I have given it all I have but everything just keep getting more and more confusing. there is so much changing in my life and I just do not know how to handle any of this. I do not want my dad to see me in that state, I have done so much to make him see me as a man. Mum fucked off years ago so I do not even have a mother figure I can trust to talk to. I just do not know what the fuck to do anymore. I can usually stop myself from feeling how I used to but its all coming back and I am scared. I am going to break soon. Why cannot I talk about it?",Depression +8715,"When I wake up there is this tiny moment where I realize what my life has became and who I became and I ask myself what have I done? How did it get this bad? Why me? I have tried so hard but nothing seems to work. I came to conclusion that I am just a hopeless case and this is my destiny. I do not want to be anything to be honest. Because I would not even know how to live a life that is bearable, I really do not. Tomorrow is my birthday I am turning 19. I know that is young but I feel like I have lived here forever. I went through so much and experienced a lot I am an old soul and do not want to do this anymore Lost in life",Suicidal +8716,"In the end, I know what is best for myself, right?Ill finally be able to be happy. Can there just be a day where I do not wake up",Depression +8717,"**Part 1:**Gentle Breeze,Whispering reeds,The sun looking down,Upon the leaves.&#x200B;Gray buildings,Hidden faces,Lies, untold storiesAnd troubling places.&#x200B;The dead and the dying,The liars and the lying,How can you be all but none,How can you be dead when your life has not even begun.&#x200B;Destruction, pollution and slaughter,The difference between blood and water,Dying or crying what difference does it make,When your mind is fixed to a single fate.&#x200B;Living in darkness or living in light,Living in shadows or living in fright,If your life means nothing, why put up a fight,If you do not like what you see, why hold onto sight.&#x200B;&#x200B;**Part 2:**Through every fault,And every flaw,Through every challenge,there is an open door.&#x200B;Through every tear,And every unspoken word,Through every misuse of power,there is a lesson to be learnt.&#x200B;For every book you read,A new awareness seeping through,For every friend you make along the way,You realise the earth's problems are not caused by you.&#x200B;A slither of a smile,A friendly laugh, a greeting,These things are so much harder,Than giving yourself a beating.&#x200B;But for every light in the darkness,For every hope in the gloom,Let yourself live with the thought,That you will feel better soon. A poem I wrote",Suicidal +8718,"I died to gang myself the other night. I passed out. The last time I remember is screaming at the top of my lungs just fucking die. woke up with everything still wrapped tight around my neck. After I I am untied myself, i got on the couch and went to sleep. I feel like I am just waiting for my next opportunity. I feel numb as fuck. So now what. I tried.",Suicidal +8719,I just need a friend.. Can anyone near Chicago save me?,Suicidal +8720,"Just for a moment to remember when nothing mattered and to experience what it was like to be genuinely happy. But knowing that is impossibleits a good thing. Knowing I have nothing to look forward to makes all the meaningless suffering just thateverythings predictable. Tm brings nothing..just waiting to die. Funny reminiscing on the past I realized none of it mattered. Every day is lost, today will be tm and tm I am dead I want to go back for a little",Depression +8721,"I am sorry if my title offends or triggers anyone, that is not my intention.I am not personally suffering from depression, but someone close to me is. I never thought of this before, but I wonder what the consensus is: Can everyone ""get better""? If someone is struggling with deep-rooted issues that have grown over decades, can they be fixed? What is the standard for ""getting better""? Is it living a normal life? Is it for bad cases just being able to function to a degree with permanent support from professionals and medication? Do some people just have to learn to cope with their issues for the rest of their lives?I saw a documentary on euthanasia for mental problems, two were relatively young girls with depression. They had indeed lost all energy and will to fight. I wonder - was there really nothing left for them? Can everyone ""be saved""? Are there cases that are just beyond help?",Depression +8722,"i my dad meant well by sending me this, he just wants me to get better and be happier but it made me feel 10000x more misunderstood and 10000x worse :(it was an ig post of a quote from paul walker: someone in the hospital is begging god for opportunity you have. do not you dare go to bed depressed. count your blessings and shake it offwish it was that easy guilt",Depression +8723,Fuck all humans and all creatures that exist. I have no desire or will. Drunk at 7am feeling like trash. This is hell. Life is hell every second and we cannot ever get out. Fuck everyone and everything.,Suicidal +8724,"And that is why I struggle so hard to talk about my intense suicidal thoughts. The person is always going to try to help me. But there is nothing you can do, and that just worsen things. I just want to end things right now, and that does not matter if I am still young. I have no future. there is nothing you can do for me",Suicidal +8725,My home life is shit and I honestly feel like I give up on trying to get out. I am already ruined and drained. I hate my life,Suicidal +8726,I live on the 18th floor of my apartment. I want to jump off and die. I am thinking of jumping out the window,Suicidal +8727,I am a boy in my family .My brother is in college and my father and sister is working away from home.They can go home because of covid.I live with my mom and sister at home.So i need to do a lot of work because I am the only male at home.We have cats.I do not like cat.I always ask to give them away but my family do not want to.The worst thing is i need to take care of the cats such as give them foods and clean their sandbox.It makes me so angry.Anything i can do?Please help me.I keep this thing for so long. I am stress please help me,Depression +8728,"I have been depressed for a while and one of my comfort shows is greys. The only downside is that it induces me to be even more depressed and oh god I just had a full on breakdown. 007, if you know, you know. And the way Meredith was talking, like this could be your last day and be with the ones you love. Now I am feeling very impulsive. there is this boy I love. We decided to stop talking and get back together when were both mature but now I am like, what if he dies. God what do I do. Do you all ever feel like this Season 5 finale",Depression +8729,That does not involve God. Have basic understanding of philosophy. Have not found good reason Is there a good philosophical reason not to kill yourself?,Suicidal +8730,why did i have to be born into this cruel world. Every moment for me is pain and suffering I just want it to end fuck. i love my family and do not want to hurt them that is the only reason i have not killed myself yet. i do not have any other reason to live.. wish i was not born,Suicidal +8731,"Is anybody else here plagued by constant, stress related intrusive thoughts? They come from nowhere and always involuntarily. They seem to be related to stress, since higher levels of stress make them worse for me. For me, most of the times it is a fantasy i get stuck into. There are arguments with other people in my head, feelings of anger and the stress that it produces. I could be going about doing my thing at home or at work and they will pop up from nowhere. The only time they seem to not be able to appear is when I am talking to someone.Does anyone else experience this? If so, any tips for managing it?&#x200B;For those who do not know, this is the wikiedia definition of intrusive thoughts:''An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.'' Intrusive thoughts, anyone?",Depression +8732,"I feel terrible, so part of me thinks I need to refill it.The other part of me is wondering if life is actually worth it if I have to drug myself into submission to tolerate it. My prescription ran out and...",Depression +8733,"I did my best to stay alive, everything keeps getting worse, I am falling deeper and deeper into this black hole that I cannot come out of. I am tired of how my family treats me, I have nobody, they do not understand how I truly feel. I have smiling depression, I never tell anyone I feel bad, I am always there helping everyone else because I do not want anyone to feel this way. I would not be missed if I died. I am sorry..",Suicidal +8734,"Throwaway because yeah.So I moved in with my partner around 7 months ago. He has both a cat and a dog who are lovely animals and I generally do not have any issues with them. But recently his dog has started pooping and being sick in the house on an almost daily basis, normally overnight. it is not health related or anything but just because she is an older dog. She gets her walks and let out for frequent toilet breaks. Now, I am the one who gets up first every morning so I have to deal with the mess, and I will be honest it is really fucking with my head.I do not wake up great to begin with due to my fucking awful mental health but this can send me into this feeling of white hot rage. I generally keep the anger to myself and smoke a cigarette but sometimes it can lead to an argument. it is making me not want to leave my bed in the morning and I have worked really hard to be able to do that on the best of days. I do not really know how to deal with this and it probably just sounds really petty and stupid but I needed to vent so thanks for reading regardless. Mental health and pets.",Depression +8735,"I work on myself obsessively, like I am genuinely obsessed with self improvement. Without thinking, though, I act like a total bastard and people get hurt and I have to pick up the pieces and apologize again for who I am. This is not a suicide note or anything, it is just something that always comes up when I am having suicidal episodes. I want to be a better person, but it sometimes feels impossible. I am an asshole and I am constantly frustrated with the way I treat myself and other people",Suicidal +8736,inside my head. why are there two different people inside of me fighting over what decisions i make. depressive bipolar sucks. i think i might have a personality disorder. raging war,Depression +8737,"How do you guys fight it? I get sad sometimes and it just stays. I want it to go but it does not bother to go away. No one is there to help. Loneliness is eating me alive. Why do I feel lonely, even though I have a girlfriend? I have no idea. I do not always feel lonely, just sometimes ig. This sucks, this really sucks. I get suicidal sometimes, but that would be selfish. But I cannot see the point anymore. What am I doing with my life? I am loved, I think. Just little things affect me a lot sometimes, like a bullet I think. it is not fair on people who care for me if I die, but it should not be like that. I wish I could just erase my existence, like stop my parents from conceiving me. that would be cool. I think I am overreacting, but I am a sensible person. I tried getting help, but my gp never got back to me. It sucks because I got accused of that I do not help myself. I tried, and I did help myself. do not accuse people who are struggling, I never do that because I know it has bad implications. If you are in a relationship,do not guilt trip your SO over something they have no control over. that is all. Take care fellas My chest feels hollow",Depression +8738,"I am fucking 14, I should not be able to say that I have tried to kill myself on multiple occasions without lying but I can. I would tell my parents or something but lucky me, I am the textbook definition of a people pleaser, so I do not want to bother my already stressed family with my suicidal thoughts. I am not even sad that I am suicidal, I am just pissed that I know I am too stubborn to change. it is not like I do not want to change, I have wanted to get better for like 3 years but no matter how much I try or how close I come, I always end up being the same asshole who puts on a facade for everybody he knows so that nobody has to worry about him which only leads to him trying to kill himself. it is happened 7 fucking times, you would think by now I would try to stop this trend but whoopdi-fucking-doo I am unable to change and fetishize my own sadness as a result. I unironically said that I am happiest when I am at my lowest, which is so fucking stupid but it is not even wrong! God bro this shit is so fucked, I should be hanging out with my friends or studying or some other bullshit like that but noooo for some reason my destiny is to be the inevitable suicide case who undoubtedly will struggle with addiction of several kinds at some point in his life. Fucking fantastic. I am fucking done with this shit man",Suicidal +8739,"I live in Japan, stuck in a sense. I have a loving spouse, a good job, but I am tired. Mentally, I have been dealing with stress, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and depression. I am very tired. I can never catch a break and I feel like life is getting worse everyday. I took the day off today and tomorrow. I was planning on actually doing this since the beginning of the year and go to Aokigahara (suicide forest) last June but I guess I waited for life to get better - it did not lol. So, I will go through with it tomorrow. I am taking the first train to Aokigahara and end it all. it is so close",Suicidal +8740,Every time I am doing good it all comes back. Like why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Title,Suicidal +8741,"Why should i stay alive? here is a thought without letting you know what my life is like, because i honestly have a hard time answering it, maybe someone who is out of the box can actually see better.This is not a random thought, this is a solid question I have had for some time. Why? Why should i",Suicidal +8742,"I am alone and no one is trying to help. Its my fault for not doing enough to reach out, but it just sucks. Every week I think wow, this is the worst I think I have ever felt. Everything stays exactly the same it just gets worse and harder to deal with. I am suffocating and I cannot picture a future where I have my shit together enough to ever even come close to being happy. I am pathetic and will never grow up in the way I should. Shit just sucks man Just done with it all",Suicidal +8743,"will not it would be great to know that you can peaceful pass of needed.I feel so tired... From my thoughts, from everything.And knowing I could end it without extreme pain would be relaxing. For my birthday I want fentanyl powder. Just in case.",Suicidal +8744,Does anyone here know anyone with psoriasis? its driving me crazy I started being shy and self conscious I am middle/high school but I did not have psoriasis which is weird. I started getting psoriasis at like age 16 and I feel like it traumatized me. Going to glass with a hoodie and the teacher telling me to take it off. Just a lot of embarrassment and shame. Not being able to talk to girls and if I would hang out with girls I would go straight to the friend zone on purpose. I have trauma from being toddler too. My mom used to tell me I am just like my biological father and at the time I could not understand but then my step dad came along and that is when I started the pieces together. I feel like Ill never be as smart as him. Over all I have a lot of child hood trauma plus the psoriasis makes it even worse I do not want to meet new people I am venting sorry but does anyone know anyone with psoriasis that got rid of it I feel like getting rid of it will help a lot. will not solve all my problems but at least I can be my self again. I do not know anymore,Suicidal +8745,"Like please shut up. You do not know what someone is going through or their mental state, or their circumstances. Just because you do not think something is the end of the world does not mean, that is the case for other people. I hate when people say Its not the end of the world.",Suicidal +8746,"I am broken. I have dx adhd and depression. I take adhd medication.I am probably also on the autism spectrum, but I do not have the money to figure that out.I am an intelligent being that cannot actuate potential and get through the mental roadblocks everywhere and explaining that to someone just leads to them thinking I am lazy. If being so mentally broken that you cannot do some basic things is laziness, then yes I am lazy. I am not really suicidal in the way that like, I do not enjoy life. I do, when not thinking about work/financials. More in like a, I feel like such a useless member of our capitalist society, maybe it would be better for everyone if I was just gone. I just cannot seem to earn my stay and obviously that is important. I am currently barely scraping to get unemployment with the help of my parents (since I am unable to do it myself) Mental health issues, jobless 9+ months",Depression +8747,I cannot sleep no matter how tired I am always taking in everything and coming up with reasons in my head why everyone is plotting to hurt me and betray me and nothing has convinced me otherwise it is the most out of this world things but I am always convinced and feel like my life is already falling apart my friends are leaving my family is disappointed but none of that is happening and the likely hood is so stupidly small but I cannot shake the thought they are always there and they are so many different ways I think people want to destroy me from the inside Idk if this is something wrong with me or if I am just pathetic and people usually do the same thing I feel like I am at constant war with myself,Depression +8748,"My girlfriend recently broke up with me, shortly after starting an internship out of state due to a plethora of issues, including my mental health struggles. Many of the issues she stated are issues I did not know she has, and had I know, I would have worked to fix.I am trying to do anything to mend the relationship, as I love my girlfriend and I acknowledge what I have done wrong, but she states she wants space for a bit and wants to see if I can be the boyfriend she deserves.I do not know what to do. I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I am more than willing to admit it, but I feel absolutely destroyed because we both put so much love into the relationship. It just feels like a switch was pressed, and everything vanished the second it occurred. My girlfriend went from stating she loved me more than anything to being openly critical of me, and it now makes me confused as to whether or not any of those feelings were true, or if she is simply upset and truly does need space after my behavior over the past month.I did not handle the distance well, and it did send me to the mental hospital, amongst other things. I plan to seek out counseling and begin the process of working on myself, but I do not want to have to lose someone I seriously care about. I moved my entire life over here to live with her and pursue our relationship, and all I want is for her to be happy.I feel like all I do is push people away and make things worse, and that I am being gradually erased by everyone I know. I do not know what will even be left of me by the time this is done, and all I want is to be with the person I love and work things out. My girlfriend broke up with me, and now everything seems hopeless",Suicidal +8749,"How do I handle someone constantly complaining and negative and down, and trying to always support them and help them while being depressed myself but a huge people pleaser. My partner shows when they are down, everybody will know it. They will complain all the time and not really talk to me, and it will be like that everyday for days. They wanted to move to another country to study and and I chose to go with them as I could not handle the relationship to end. I studied hard for an exam to be able to get in and gave a lot of effort, just for them to tell me that they will be depressed there too, and do not know why the changed countries in the first place and so on. It is something they really wanted and now that they got it they are not satisfied .I know what it is like to be depressed, so I am not saying everything should be fixed, but nothing is appreciated and everything is being complained about, and I try so hard. I am numb and tired but even when I am at my worst I will still talk to them and try my best to make them laugh and smile. I am not actively suicidal but I wish every night to not wake up. Sometimes they even say that a lot of their negative emotions come from me and my family situation, which I cannot change. It is like no one has it as bad as them. I feel alone, egoistic and like a bad partner for even complaining right now, as I should just be supporting( I do love them) Relationships and Depression",Depression +8750,"As the title said I do not have any idea of what to do next. Might die as well as did the dreams turned nightmares ages ago.It terrifies me. The way i think. And the way i act....no react. My whole life's me reaching and reacting to external stimuli. I forgot to how act and now i am fucking scared of what is in store for me.If you read this until now, laugh a little you beautiful bastards. Atleast laugh at my silly expense so that it makes me push through the day I am getting a masters degree this month hooray for me.",Suicidal +8751,"I feel so alone in this. No one to talk to, no one to laugh with, no one to go out and watch a movie together, no one I can tell my feelings to, no one to share my personal interests toThere must be something wrong with me It hurts knowing you have no one. At all. Absolutely nobody.",Suicidal +8752,"I will try to keep my story short; but I am also venting.My partner has suffered from depression for most of her life. She has endured child sexual abuse and never healed, and every time she got hurt throughout her life it just deepend that wound and reinforced the idea in her mind that people are abusive and out to hurt each other.Because of certain events her depression has gotten worse throughout our relationship. At first it was anxiety attacks, or perhaps she hid the other stuff from me then. Now I can see she is worse than ever after a relative died. She feels she is a burden to everyone, and mostly, she feels there is no hope, that she has been suffering like this for decades, and that there is no hope for her to ever get better and live a normal life.Her average day is being constantly on edge and scared of everything. I can see in her eyes she is just exhausted. Some days she just lies in bed, stiff as a board just looking at the ceiling and crying repeating ""I do not want this anymore"" over and over softly.Recently talks of ending it have become somewhat frequent. I cannot force her to go to a health clinic, and I am in that situation where if I call them to pick her up she will not trust me again or experience it as another betrayal. In the end they will release her within a week or two and it all starts again, but then I will not be near to support her and that might be more dangerous.The other side of the coin is that I am also just a human. I am overworked, I get tired, I get annoyed sometimes. it is a lot to carry for me and I realize I am just not everything a person with severe depression could need. I am not always soft and understanding, I am not always right there to hold her hand. I feel for her, and this situation is in my head all day every day, but selfish as it is, I am also at that age where people generally go through a lot of big milestones and I have plans and goals for the future and they are all on hold. Even though her safety is more important right now, I do feel frustrated because it feels like my life is so uncertain and stagnant.I just do not know what to do or how to deal with this situation.I do not know if I am even a good thing for her. Sure I comfort her when she has anxiety attacks, and I do what I can to be supportive. But the very fact that we have a relationship is also putting pressure on her. She feels like she is not a good partner, like she is ""withholding"" sex from me. Like she is taking away my chance at a good future. Even though I try to tell her that is not the case, she still feels like that. The sex is a non-issue. She is not a bad partner because she is going through depression I can live with all that. Underneath she is an amazing person that I love to spend time with. But she is right about the other thing, I suppose. What if her depression never ends? What if truly she cannot ever overcome it and live a somewhat normal life. Am I a horrible person for not being able to see that in my future? I have had that feeling for months now. I do not tell her any of this, because that is not something she should carry now. I am kind of just waiting it out and trying to have a good relationship and hoping that she does get better at least to some degree, so that those feelings end up irrelevant.I have so many emotions and most of them conflict some way or another. I do not know what to do anymore. How to care for someone on the edge?",Suicidal +8753,"I have an exam after 10 days I am doing good But still thoughts in my mind always tell me I am going to fail horribly i try to calm myself but its just suppress it for sometime and this cycle keeps repeating itself I cannot take this anymore this fear cuz grab me and i start thinking about how i will end up with no job, no future, no nothing cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +8754,"wish I could send pictures for literal proof, but this girl is my friend and she is threatening to kill herself and I literally took screenshots but I cannot send any here. I want to help, but I am a fucking loser pussy who cannot tell her family members because it will destroy them. I want to help and I do not know what to do. I am literally scared and need help. I want her to live her life, I want her to be safe but I do not know how to tell others. she will be mad at me. I just want her to know that she matters and that everyone loves her. I want to cry right now and currently shaking I am sorry if I just repeated words but i do not know anymore. help me.",Suicidal +8755,It says pretty much happybirthday mom i love you be with you soon? She also posted it on her story. Is this concerning. I just happen to be awake right now and i sent her a message saying aww are you going to visit her? If she says something suicidial what should i do/say i barely know her :( Girl I am talking to sent a pic of her mom to me at 5 am?,Suicidal +8756,You ever just get out of a super anxiety inducing situation and just have a depressive episode and your too afraid of opening up and talking about it to anyone because you do not want to seem like a needy freak? Well I do. Or you want to vent to someone but do not want to scare them away. One of those nights.,Depression +8757,i do not have any friends my family coundnt give less of a fuck about me so I am done i took all the pills i had in the house by the morning I am hopefully going to be dead fingers crossed my names James Thompson and ill c ya never bye I am done with life,Suicidal +8758,"So its only be 2 days but I hate my new school, I miss my old friends and everything does not feel real at all, I never asked to be bullied out of my old school, especially when I was going to the wellbeing office on the campus but those fuckers did not care anyway, I am stuck with the painfull and life at my new school, I hate going here physically I wish to do school work at home in solitude which is how I feel comfortable with anything nowadays (at least for the past 3 years now). I have no one to talk to other than my old friends and my pyschologist, (and my parents at times), I feel trapped in this terrible period, I hate it. I hate my new school",Depression +8759,"Being suicidal daily made me lost everything I have worked so far to get, now i do not know how I can go back and do all those things again, this is what causes constant panic attacks on me and making me very suicidal I feel like i have lost so much since i went became severely depressed i do not know how to get my life in order again",Suicidal +8760,"You want someone to feel emotional pain?? Why?? I think that sounds wonderful if no one could cry at my funeral, I would not want to bring emotional pain like that to someone, especially if its someone I care about. I think that is the thing driving me from ever kicking the chair. I hate to offend but I think that is selfish to wish for someone to feel emotional grief like that, have you seen someone go through grief??? Its terrible. Its ugly and painful and I would not wish it on anyone. So why would you want someone to go through that? Sorry if I hurt someone by saying this, I do not intend this to be offensive, I am just astounded that people genuinely think this and I want to know why? I hate it when someone says no one is going to cry for me when I am gone",Depression +8761,"I have thought of OD'ing on fluoxitine, as its my only escape from my hell like life, I am stuck in a new school with only one friend and it does not feel right, I miss my old friends from my previous school that I cannot go back to now for reasons, I am sick of this I feel like 19 would be a good age to overdose, the only problem is the fact my parents will be stuck with the loss of me, I do not know how I will do it. The only thing that is holding me back from ending it is my parents",Suicidal +8762,"I have been doing programming meetings with a teacher and we made some games. But my self esteem is low and I stopped putting effort into getting better. I just do the meetings, and I do not have fun. no effort",Suicidal +8763,Or is it just me?? Like I am crying rn and its 5am. you all cry you all selves to sleep??,Depression +8764,"I do not want to talk to anyone, and I do not have the energy to anyway. All I want to do is go be depressed in bed, watch something, scroll my phone endlessly. But I have a puppy to take care of and she is just full of energy. It makes me feel worse that I cannot just be happy with her.Right now it feels like just after we (my partner and I) recover from one thing something else knocks us down. Like legit we were behind on bills for a month or two. We only just recover from that and as we are talking about getting kitchen appliances, our puppy desexed, maybe have a date night, we get fucking curb stomped and we are left without transport and will be dealing with this shit for the next month. We probably will not have any money for the next month and a half. Like living off noodles idk if we will be able to pay our rent no money.it is just one fucking thing after the other and it is been this way for years. I am so fucking beyond depressed and miserable. What the fuck is the point of life if it is just a constant struggle. Is this fucking normal? Is this what life is like for everyone? I am so fucking sick of it. When does shit get to level out and be okay? It feels like I am never going to get better and I am going to be miserable for the rest of my pathetic life. What are you even meant to do when you are having a horrible day and you just have no energy to talk to anyone?",Depression +8765,why cannot i just. do things right lmfao I am so unhappy,Depression +8766,"Apologies in advanced because this is going to be a long one, tl;dr at the bottom for anyone who wants to skip over it. I am just having a bad night and found this reddit, so figured a good as place as any to get it all out there and maybe seek some kind of advice.&#x200B;My mental health struggles started when I was a kid, I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Ritalin as well as told I should probably seek some type of counseling along with the treatments. However, after a few short weeks my parents took me off the meds because they did not like how it made me act (From what I hear, a common complaint.) Unfortunately no treatment or anything was ever followed up with so I have been dealing with that untreated for awhile: Honestly I am so used to it at this point that the symptoms I deal with (I have always described is as not being able to make my head silent.) are so ingrained as normal that I forgot about it for a long time.&#x200B;Aside from that, I was actually a happy if not otherwise busy minded kid. However, things changed when I was ten. Without getting into the nitty gritty details two major life events happened: The first was an extremely bad car crash that left my mother with a painful and permanent physical disability that not only made living physically painful but also completely changed her personality due to the mix of pain and eventual medications. It also left me with deep mental scars which I have been told is a form of PTSD. I still cannot drive to this day because being in vehicles gives me panic attacks, even just riding does and as I am sure you can imagine a panic attack behind a driving wheel is potentially disasters as well as how...crippling it is to not be able to drive in today's world, especially when you do not live in or near a city with public options. The second thing was molestation and rape, something that went on under my parent's nose for five years. It only stopped when the person in question essentially moved away. My mother only found out a few years ago when I broke down about it - the rest of my family is still in the dark about it. This is where a lot of my problems really stem from and my life took a nose dive from this point onward. Depression, suicide attempts when I was younger, self loathing, hating the world and just all around being confused and angry at everything and everyone with no way to deal with it.&#x200B;To add on to it and forgive me if this offends anyone but being a male, I felt like I could not even seek help for it for the longest time. The stigma is not as strong now ah days, though it does still exist, that many of the things that happened to me cannot really happen to guys and if it did there are..well, I am sure you get the picture. Despite this I have seen doctors, I have been given..so many diagnosis it is hard to keep any of them straight, been on a lot of pills which never seemed to work and currently am unmedicated and seeing no one.&#x200B;This brings me all the current day. Despite all these issues I met someone who loves me. We got married recently. I have been happier then I had been in years, in all honesty she is the only person I have left anymore. My family wants nothing to do with me and vice versa. But now that I have someone who depends on me as much as I do them...my mental state is getting worse. &#x200B;I still cannot drive. it is preventing me from getting work. My self loathing has turned into almost paranoid delusions because I cannot rectify in my mind why she would even stick with me or love me. The more she tells me it is alright, the more she tells me I do not have the worry about it, the worse it gets. The majority of her family hates me because they think I am a lazy sack of shit. I try to talk to her about it but I end up just making her feel bad, like she is doing something wrong when that is not the case. I feel like I am spiraling out of control, I feel like she would be better off without me. I just do not know what to do or how to deal with any of this. My mind is so twisted with what I think is happening and what is actually happening, I almost cannot separate the two and tell which is real and which is just my fucking head talking. I thought for awhile I was getting better but now I feel more afraid and alone then I ever have before and I am doing it entirely to myself and I do not know how to stop it.My life has felt like a constant train wreck up until this one bright point, this one little miracle happened to me and I am going to absolute shit over it. I need help. I need advice I need something. I am terrified to lose her. I am terrified of hurting her some way or another or dragging her down with me. I just do not want to be alone anymore yet I feel like I am driving myself towards that inevitable conclusion.So if anyone has any advice..anything at all please...help me. Sorry for the long post..just needed to get it out.tl;dr PTSD, life long depression, ADHD, all relatively untreated. Managed to fall in love and get married. Was happier. Now it is all crashing back down and just...royally fucking with me. cannot drive, cannot get a job, feel completely alone and worthless. Afraid to hurt the one person I love. cannot imagine what she sees in me. Not sure what to do with my life anymore",Depression +8767,"When I talk to my family about it, I am obviously stressing them out. So I am turning to here. Also they say that I have two options, suck it up, or they will send me to the mental hospital. They think I can just snap out of it by thinking positive, I try. But intrusive thoughts are INTRUSIVE. And I cannot solve the issue of my lows (absolute sadness, feel like I am being held down by bricks) and highs (anger and screaming rage) when there is LITERALLY NO because. They do not understand what I mean, they think its me choosing this. Its been months. If you guys listen to Hobo Johnson, I am sure you have heard him say that hell get therapy when he can afford it. Well, I am in that position, a bitch cannot pay for therapy, or afford a psychiatrist. Idk what to do. I am trying to better my life by saving money, and doing my life goals, but LIVING is not looking fun to me anymore. I have planned my suicide, I think if it 50+ times a day with intrusive thoughts. I am tired. I am losing sleep, and I lost my appetite for days. Its not worth it.I know I have something, but I cannot afford to find out what. Idk why I am posting this, for help? Or to vent? what is wrong with me? I cannot afford to find out. Lol. Fuck it. (Tw?)",Depression +8768,"I do not want to die but I do not want to exist. There are people around me but I have never felt more lonely. I have a path I need to take but no one to guide me. I am lost. I am numb. I am incomplete, unfulfilled and unwanted. So what is the point? To live and make others happy? Or to die and make them upset? Either way they will make it about themselves and judge my actions. So really, there is no difference no matter which direction I go. Do I die for myself or exist for others?",Suicidal +8769,Relationship and all around life problems have been tearing me up I have anxiety and panic attacks everyday but at night when I am laying in bed alone everything gets worse I cannot eat I cannot sleep I do not want to watch tv or talk to Anyone I do not want to go into my problems but the stress is over powering lately and I cannot cope no more I feel like giving up on everything it I cannot even do that because giving up with make things harder I am too pussy to kill mySelf and I just do not know what to do its hard to move forward feeling this way I cannot get anything done. I have went to a doctor and got a prescription for some depression anxiety meds it does not seem to be working at all cannot sleep or eat,Depression +8770,I have been used for sex since the age of 9. I have been sexually abused many times. I just feel like that is my only purpose and I do not want it to be. I feel hopeless cuz people continue to see me as a sex object. I am broken,Suicidal +8771,"I am trying really hard, i have not self-harmed in a couple days, i do not feel hopeless anymore, but the pain is just too much, i feel like a reanimated corpse, memories haunt me, i do not know how to let go of it all, it hurts :'Ci want to feel deserving of thought and like acknowledgment i exist I am alive:'ci'm still here :'((( can someone pray for me pls:'(",Suicidal +8772,They hung up on me and I am a bit confused. I am more confused than suicidal. Is this what they were going for? I wanted to end it so bad so I called the hotline,Suicidal +8773,"And I do not understand why this stupid shit will not work!! I keep trying to increase the amount of medicine for this, and all I feel is lethargy and some tingly sensation in my eyes which is probably due to all the crying I am doing. It fucking sucks, I have taken 8x the amount I am supposed to take for the day and it is!!! Still!! Not!! Effective!!! Fucking hell Attempted to overdose four hours ago, still have not died",Suicidal +8774,Tried to asphyxiate but woke up. Why cannot i just be at peace for once Failed again,Suicidal +8775,"For every reason its possible, there are hundreds of people who have faced the same circumstances and succeeded. just be strong... I hope this encourage someone.",Suicidal +8776,I fucking hate it. I just cannot keep my head clear. it is inevitable pain forced on me. No one sees that I am suicidal. They just want me to study and attend classes. I hate it with my life. No freedom. cannot even spend my time in my room. I cannot keep this up anymore. Forced to work when I am suicidal,Suicidal +8777,I just keep playing it over in my head... but at least someone understands why I want to be euthanized so badly. I wish I lived in a country that would do this.. but I am afraid I will have to die in a very painful way. I need out. Dad told me he can understand why I would want to die,Suicidal +8778,"This is so hard and I feel like I cannot take it anymore...People do not really understand what is like to suffer from depression, how mentally ill people are really having a bad time... its not like those who say ""hm i feel a bit sad today, i am very sleepy, i feel anxious, i want to km, i am so ocd, i have such anger issues"" etc... nah, its way deeper than that... I hate how people glorify mental illness, make it all quirky, excuse iT and they do not even suffer.. we who suffer do not excuse on being a garbage person on our mental illness, that is not how it works ... yeah, they profit off of it, they sprad ""awareness"" about a kid who took his own life but then i go and being honest with my feelings, yeah i know how bad that can feel on the person... but whaT irritates me is that i get called attention seeker, playing a victim card, being blamed for it, lazy, crazy, pathetic and again ""do smth you love"" "" others have it worse or we all have bad days"" etc... i literally feel so bad at nights, i just lie on my bad, i overthink a lot, i do not sleep well, i do not exercise, i do not do anything healthy, i cannot eat well even if i want to, i cannot...i feel so codependent and i feel like people arr just loving it... i feel like i am very capable of making my dreams come true but i feel like i am so trapped and being used as a marionette which affects my health so much... i have anxiety attacks, maybe even panic attacks, its not that i cannot handle ppl around me, its that most of the times they make me feel very anxious after spending time with them... i even self harmed myself and i still sometimes think of doing it, i either feel overwhelmed or very empty and i feel like i want to punch my head against the wall... its not that i do not like people, i want spontenious moments with them(pardon my English), its that i also feel very envious about people sometimes and i do not like it, its that i think i do not like the way people are ordering me how i should feel or act... TW Clinical depression",Depression +8779,"Has anybody here had a bad mental breakdown? If in the past do you still reflect on it?I had mine last year, I could not eat drink or sleep properly for about 3 months, my hair thinned , I lost weight, no showers. As I was recovering my partner moved out while I was at work. I called the samaritants every other night just to talk to somebody.I keep thinking about it and I am in a much better place now but it is so damn scary. Mental breakdown",Depression +8780,and cursing out the people who deserve it. obviously not going to mention I am going to kill myself to them . but i got chemicals that will take me out fast been saying my goodbyes,Suicidal +8781,"Any form of intimacy gives me severe nausea. To describe it in detail, you know that feeling you get when you are about to throw up? Your saliva is basically the consistency of water and you feel something being thrown up your esophagus? that happens, but i never throw up. i get on the verge of vomiting but it never comes. this would in turn lead to a racing thoughts, shortness of breath, and every other symptom of anxiety you can think of. This happened to some degree almost every single time. did not matter what the form of intimacy was (talking, cuddling, kissing, or having sex), but the more sexual the situation the worse the anxiety nausea was.I have only ever had one partner and we were together for about 4 months but i had to break up with her because the anxiety got so severe that my feelings were lost for her because i was overwhelmed with how intense the nausea and anxiety was. it got to the point where even just hanging out with her (and have nothing go on between us) made me sick to my stomach, and sometimes she could not even touch me or i could not even look at her. she was not abusive or manipulative by any means, in fact she was the most supportive person i could have asked for. when things were getting steamy she would ask if i was okay and if i needed a minute (when the nausea happened i would step out of the room/car and walk around taking deep breaths) and she completely understood. she showered me with acceptance and understanding and i still could not get over the nausea and anxiety. We were completely open and transparent with eachother and it still happened. The level of nausea varied each time, though. sometimes it was a little, other times it was so intense i could not move. only a few times did i not have nausea at all. Now, after breaking up with her a few months ago i have had multiple opportunities to even just hang out with a woman platonically 1 on 1 and i completely avoid it because it freaks me the fuck out. i do not want to have any form of intimacy anymore because i know how anxious and nauseous i will get. It just sucks because I am comfortable with like sending nudes and stuff and that is about it. i feel like such an asshole for even doing that because i know i will not be able to go any further than that. I get this problem with other things too, like eating and going on vacation, as well as being deathly scared of smoking and drinking, but this particular situation is where it gets the most intense and the most frequent. I am on Prozac for my anxiety, if that is any additional information that may help. this whole thing has spiraled me into a deep pit of self consciousness and even self hatred. I have had countless nights just lying awake thinking about what is wrong with me and why i cannot justenjoy life the way i want without having to be controlled by the way my stomach decides to act one day. I do not need a solution as soon as possible, i just need a place to start in order to fix me. [20M] I suffer from anxiety related nausea due to mainly intimacy with another person and it has left my mental health in absolute shambles.",Depression +8782,"it is impossible to be happy in this cold cruel world. Everything's got to be serious and unfun. I had just spent a day being happy and productive and had thought that I could finally live a chill life being this way, but boom my dad starts lecturing me and telling me he is sick of me gaming and will check my bedroom every night at 1pm to make sure I am sleeping. I am 21. The moment I heard that I knew that a chill life will never happen. Nor will I be happy. This is a life of cruelty and suffering, one that will not let me take a break. I cannot just move out, I will die in the cold. I need to let go of my happy demeanor and become cold, since that is what the world demands of me. it is impossible to be happy",Depression +8783,"A few days ago I was talking with a friend of mine, and he said that a mutual friend of ours kept flaking on him. So hes been giving her the cold shoulder. He then said that he does not have to worry about it because hell just hang out with me instead. Instead. Maybe I am just misremembering, or overthinking it because we have been friends for over a year now, maybe even two but I thought he was just telling me: Id rather be hanging out with her but you will do. I thought I could get over it, because I immediately just shrunk into myself when he said it but I cannot. Its a confirmation of every single fear I have ever had, every time I have ever felt alone, every time I have ever felt like dying. Now, every time I talk to someone, I wonder: Am I just an option to them? Do they even like me? Would they even care if I was gone? I just, cannot! I cannot get it out of my fucking head. I have not had a dark thought in weeks, and for the first time in a long time I was happy with my life. And now it feels like all of my fears and assumptions and doubts were true. My rational side is saying I am just overthinking it, we have been friends for a long time. It was just conversation, and a miscommunication at worst. But at the end of the day its the doubt, the what if of it all that keeps me awake at night, that causes panic attacks, that makes me question everything. How am I supposed to know? I am just an option to people",Suicidal +8784,Am I seriously asking for that much? I only want those things and nothing more. I just want to die and be forgotten,Suicidal +8785,"For context I am the most depressed I have ever been and earlier tonight I decided to kill myself. (Not my first time)However, now that I am actually dealing with the consequences of my actions (overdose) should I go to the ER? I do not want people to think that I am attention seeking, but I am also starting to regret my decision and I am feeling really guilty about leaving my family and friends. TW: do I go to the ER?",Suicidal +8786,I rather live in a dream until I inevitably expirenever ending and its all ultimately meaningless regardless. So the farther I distance myself from it all the betterI cannot even force myself to care anymore.It really does feel like I was not meant for this world. Like nothing ever mattered and all I could do was run away from the emptiness of knowing the fact.I live to distract myself there is too much..of nothing,Depression +8787,I am 22 female weigh 43kg dealing with depression I am hourglass shape I am very short I have c 14 breast but feel like I am fat i was very sick last year I was eating 900 calories because eating over makes me feel sick fast food like McDonalds makes me nauseous I got made fun of when I used to be in school about my breast by this girl who thinks there to big things are slowly getting better I do not have a problem with men but I still feel like shit what is wrong with my body,Depression +8788,"No tears or anything just...its almost 5am, i have not slept then suddenly I am thinking of a jacket i have not worn in a year and i tear up the place not even finding it. I just threw crap away and...idk how to feel right now. I think i just had a mini break down",Depression +8789,Hi I know this is a really stupid reason to want to die but I have not completed any of my assignments and they are due in a week or so. My brother told me to tell him if I had any suicidal thoughts but I am scared to tell him that I did not do any of my assignments what do I do? What do I do?,Suicidal +8790,I am useless to anybody I know nobody values me I do not care if I am dead,Depression +8791,"Ever since i was little my parents have always fought and blamed everything on me, just turned 18 yesterday and still nothing has changed. My parents put there expectation on me initially becoming a tennis player, so they trained me for 11 years of my life, i had no childhood as i would immediately after 3.30pm after eating would play tennis 3 hours for years on end, high school was difficult as i was unable to multitask between tasks. (i was good at tennis, but i know my limitations so i told them i give up) they blamed me for months on end for ruing there dreams and money, i should have told them when i was younger but if i did i was scared what would happen to me as my parents hated/despised my existence if i was no use to them. Then i aimed to become a doctor, year 11, age 15, after breaking up with my first girlfriend who was my emotional scapegoat since my parents hated me, our relationship was toxic and my first love chose another individual because i was too much of a coward to ask her out. During when i had a girlfriend year 10, my parents would antagonise me that i should not fall in love, it ruined my tennis career and education. During my relationship with my girlfriend i realised the way my parents where treating me, my lack of social awareness and how enclosed my life was (did not know youtube, anime, insta, etc. till i was 15). So i slowly began to shut them out of my life, both parents would antagonise me, act like my support, but then immediately backstabbed me when they had the chance, blame everything on me and have me as a common enemy (this was norm in my life and still is). My parents still antagonise me for falling in love to the point, I am so depressed that my friends slowly forgot about me and the only form of happiness i still have left is anime, lego or games.My parents antagonise me on how successful they are and how much of a disgrace i'am compared to them, I am a freeloading leech that takes everything for granted, whilst offering nothing in return. The way my parents brought me up i have speech impediment (stutter and i cannot formulate sentences quickly and i struggle to talk), i get bullied and still laugh, get emotional scarred and people still expect me to smile. I only laugh and smile at school while i had friends, but since i graduated i have no friends and no one talks to me, except my parents who ostracise my very existence as a mistake everyday. Also during a biology class after receiving crappy marks in chemistry and getting scolded by my parents, i slit my wrist with a scalpel, my friends at the time took me to the nurse and i had some medicine/band-aid applied to my wrist, scared of what my parents will say to me i hid it, when i woke up, my band-aid was gone and i was sure they saw it since i live in a small apartment i sleep in the same room. Come morning it seemed as if they did not care or wanted to care about my injury. I wanted to kill myself since the age of 5, i prayed i would die everyday to relive my parents burden f having me, i was too afraid to end it myself, so I would hope i got into a freak accident or was killed, unfortunately nothing has happened yet.I go uni now and study software engineering, having received a atar of 77.85, which was a far cry from studying medicine. I want to make friends at uni but my speech impediment, how i look (I am not exactly what you call a good looking guy, i know I am ugly), but i still continue to hope on. I skipped over alot of my past because it is better left unknown. I just turned 18 yesterday, i was hoping i would die before turning into a adult, kind of disappointed to be honest, woke up immediately scolded for looking sad, i only had 2 friends remember my birthday, 2 family friends and my parents obligated wishes. As time flew more and more people forgot about me, which is not bad because i always wanted to be forgotten i guess. When cutting the cake, the asked me to smile, but i would not since i was sad i was still alive. They started to curse me like always for not being thankful for what i have, they always like to monitor what i do so they check my phones and stuff. I have a younger sibling who is blessed, they receive everything from my parents i wish i had, whom i also stopped talking to after my parents routinely check on my email, where they discovered me and my friends joke round calling each other names and stuff. One of my friends called me gay as a joke, which my sister called me infront of all her friends who are in highschool too. The only person who i had close relations with made me feel betrayed for putting trust in them. My parents made me ""reconcile"" with them, which i acted as i did, but never felt that they were sincere (happened 2 years ago). I am trying to get my first job at retail so i leave the house more and can contribute money to the family and am not a leech, but no one is hiring since covid and i have no work experience. So i need to wait until covid bans are lifted if I am still alive lol.Now to today, my parents spoke to me again about how much of a disappointment i'am, i make myself numb to pain by holding back tears and looking pan face all the time, but i cried for the first time to them for the first time in 2 years despite them ""calling me out"" for different things, even them all wishing i was dead and if they had known i was going to be born they would have aborted me or calling me a mistake. My parents said they probably made a mistake when they received there baby from the nursery, which broke my heart. I act stone face to hide my tears and sadness, but i did not say anything back to them, because whenever i did i would make things worse for myself by expressing my feelings. Imagine ur friend consoling you despite being reluctant, when you finally get consoled, there pissed at you for taking forever and things get worse. Like that so i just be quiet and only nod my head or giving 1-2 word answers. They feel no remorse and continued to talk to me. Later on one of them comes and asks me why i cried saying they were surprised, i choose not to say anything so they lecture me for 1 hr 30mins asking why, telling me there hardships and how much of a failure i am. Here i am now on the verge of decided whether to jump of my apartment or not, I have written and signed a couple of draft notes on what i done to my body after i die (donated to medical research or organ transplants), removes more burdens of my parents. Idk what to do sorry for wasting your time, this is more of a rant if anything. Thank you for your time and sorry for my bad english despite it being my first language. What do i do?",Suicidal +8792,I worked up enough courage to tell my wife today that I am depressed. She responded saying that she dosent have time for this and hasent replied to me. The response I feared finally came.,Depression +8793,"I am fucked up as shit , getting fat, agonizing break bad and hopeless. Living alone with a pension a 26 and have nobody next to me , no job and fucking mania killing myself every night. I really wish everything to be done soon. I do not deserve this pain. Whoever suffer of bipolar depression i do not know how you carry on",Depression +8794,"I have wanted to die for years. And when it got really bad, I did what I was supposed to. I reached out, got help and started taking meds. Everyone thinks I am on the right track. I have a job and an apartment and a relationship. I see friends and laugh and talk. I go to the gym and cook and function well. But I can just feel myself losing my will to keep going. What is there left in life to look forward to? I want to die, the pain is so bad, but I do not want to hurt the people I love. I did everything right",Suicidal +8795,"Feeling like it is going to be that time again, when I sit and think about why I have let myself go on this long. I turn 24 soon. Never got an education, never been employed. Living with someone who sexually harasses me daily. Drinking alcohol every night to feel more than this empty apathy. Unmedicated for this constant mental anguish that makes me want to punch myself until I am black and blue because at least bruises do not leave scars like the ones on my wrists that remind me I did not have the guts to go the whole way. why did I let it get so bad? Why did not I do something years ago? Why am I still bothering to wake up everyday? I am too much of a coward to get it over with, wish I would just get something terminal and rot away until there is nothing left. Hopeless Again",Suicidal +8796,I do not know if this is the right place to post.I do not deserve to live. But I also do not know how to die. Google is not helping me find ways. I want to die the most painful way possible because that is what I deserve. I have done so much wrong even if my intentions was good. I am the worst. I do not deserve to live.,Suicidal +8797,"I am 15(M), lifes just begun. And I have already proven to myself that I will amount to nothing, nor in the present or the future. I am a loathsome, pathetic, miserable kid who has absolutely nothing going for him. I have no friends that I actually enjoy being around, no talent in any area. I am constantly disgusted by those around me and myself. I despise the world yet do nothing to change it. I despise myself yet do nothing to spark change in any area of my life. I truly believe that people like me deserve death, I am lazy, unmotivated, I have no reason to be severely depressed yet this weak subhuman garbage I have been birthed as feels like shit from sunrise to sunset. My incompetence pierces into every facet of my life leaving me unable to do even the simplest tasks, I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I can barely even brush my teeth. I have accepted that my death whether it be by my hand or otherwise will be filled with nothing but regret and wasted potential. I loathe the very concept of existence, I am so mentally fucked in the head that absolutely no progress can be made in my condition. My misery pales in comparison to others, my talent pales in comparison to others, my existence pales in comparison to others, my life is just a series of shortcomings and failures. There is no point in me living if I just taint the earth with my presence. I am disgusted",Suicidal +8798,Today is my birthday and i just realized I have been suicidal for a whole year now. I though i was getting better but it just got worse then before. A year of pain and depression,Suicidal +8799,"My father is a real macho guy, and he thinks mentally ill people are just lazy and giving poor excuses. So he definitely cannot understand what I am going through. But today, he went away to meet his mother(my grandmother) and I can talk alone with my mother. But the problem is, I have told her about my mental health before. It was probably a year ago, and she&father said ""it is because you stay indoors all day"", ""go out and exercise"" and all the usual shit. So since than, I just stayed silent at home. I know today is the best day to talk about it, but I just cannot do it. it is at least 5 years since I was depressed and I could not gather up my courage when I was younger. So how am I supposed to do that? I know what I have to do, but I do not know if I have the strength to do it.",Depression +8800,"I just cannot deal with life tbh I just have no reason, it does not matter what I do, I am always a failure l, I mean fuck I cannot even kill myself. I tried suicide tonight.",Suicidal +8801,I am constantly having intrusive thoughts about killing my self. It has gotten so bad were i can feel a rope closing down on my throat. But i am not self harming or putting a rope to my throat. Does anyone know good copping mechanisms or breathing exercises that can help? I am having intrusive thoughts,Suicidal +8802,"I have had some suicide thoughts recently and i do not think i can handle it anymore, does any one have any tips for these thoughts? Thanks in advance I have been having some thoughts",Suicidal +8803,i want to drop a course in my school. It will not effect my grade or future but my dad will not let me. Its not that it is hard i am just going through a mental strenuous time and i do not need another thing stress me out. I do not want to tell my dad i want to kill myself and this is just another course stressing me out. How should I convince him? I am suicidal and school is stressing me out.,Suicidal +8804,"I have been depressed for 3-4 years and my lack of access to my emotions, decrease in memory and mental clarity has progressively gotten worse over time.I have tried things like fixing up my diet and exercising more to no avail. Will I have to get on antidepressants to fix these issues? Will I need to get on antidepressants to get my emotions back?",Depression +8805,"Ita becoming a problem, large tips, paying for meals. The second someone is nice to me I feel like I owe them for making me feel good. I recently made 3 friends this way but then immediately left because I was taking up their time. Not sure how to get out of this headspace, but I do like people being happy. I keep buying things for strangers",Depression +8806,"Have been lurking around for quite sometime on this sub now. Never wanted to make a post but here it is anyway because I really want to vent it out without being known.Thought I would make a throwaway account but had no motivation to do so. it is so very difficult. Endless rows of days. If not for my mom, I would have been long gone. She, literally, is the only reason why I am still around. And she has not been doing great, health wise. I am a sore loser. Got no friends or people I could talk to or expect any emotional support. it is all my fault that things are like that though, besides people are busy with their own life.Tried journaling. It did not work. At. All. When I revisited what I wrote it only justified my thoughts. The thing is I do not want to hurt my mom. we are not exactly a functional family but my parents love me in the way they can. that is more than I could ask for, I guess. Anxiety and being gullible in general made me quit my decent and we will paying job 2.5 years ago. have not been able to get back because I have panic attacks in the interviews. My dad hates me now because I am a loser. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. I hate facing another day and the day after that....day after day after day....I just do not want to do it anymore. I hate how I like the idea of not existing anymore.",Suicidal +8807,"I have not relapsed this badly in a bit and I am sliding back down the rabbithole and I really do not want to because I know how far this can go and I fear if it will go further this time. I live in a country with strict covid restrictions and we are strongly encouraged to stay home. Dining in has been restricted and I have little excuses to go out besides saying I am going to a friend's house. My friends have been gracious enough to invite me over anytime I need to but my mother would make a lot of negative comments about me leaving the house in this pandemic and it just discourages me to do things/tell her that I want to go somewhere/ do something. I have been receiving negative reinforcements (snide remarks, talking behind your back, breathing down your neck parenting etc) since young and this has affected me a lot as a person and I have been trying to be a better person each day. I met a guy who loved me despite everything and tried to make me a better person too; he was my shelter and escape everytime my mum hits me with the negative shit. But recently he abandoned me and left me to fend for myself and he took the light away with him too. Today I signed up for a credit card and was nagged to no end by my mother, and was called stupid over something that I did my research for. And it hit me that things have always been like this since I was young. Everything I do is not right and everything I do is dumb and everything I do has to be controlled by her. And I am so drained. I have not cried like today in awhile; I know when it is a depressive cry. I need to leave this place and environment. I need to. Sliding back down the rabbithole",Depression +8808,"I know this sounds extremely melodramatic and like I am just over reacting... but I have been feeling like this for a while. I want to not exist. The only thing holding me back are my parents and grandparents, they will be so sad if I died. One of my best coping is sports. I do gymnastics, weightlifting and volleyball. And I love them. (Frankly the only thing bringing me happiness in my life). Its how I destress and release my anger towards myself. But I recently had an knee injury and its just been confirmed my mri, I have a complete ACL torn. The whole process of surgery and rehab will be 9-12 months. I cannot do what I love during those times and by the time I can get back Ill probably be much much worse and have to pick it up from scratch. I have been away from sports for 2 weeks now and already my mental sanity has taken a huge fall from its already super fragile state. I am also known as the sporty person and I do not know how Ill survive being in crutches in school. I just do not know if its worth it. To go through the process, without any coping mechanism. I want to kill myself now if save me the trouble, the mental stress. I just want to die. because I do not think life is worth it. I am so angry with myself and I just want to... dieI have been making so much progress coming out of covid in gymnastics and weight training but now... it was all for nothing I guess. I feel like I am being over dramatic but this was the last straw... the only thing kept me going in life. The only they kept my mental sanity in check. Plus many of my friends are from gymnastics and volleyball and now we will just drift apart... and people will think it was my fault for injury... I do not think life is worth it... (recent sports injury)",Suicidal +8809,"it is never going to get easier... Graduated high school a decade ago this year. Nothing to show for it. And still depressed as ever. If i could press a button and i would have never existed, i think i would finally press it now. My parents are getting older. My 15 year old dog will not be around a lot longer. MAN i LOVE my dog guys.... My friends (that i still have) are starting families and buying houses... i still have no clue what i want to do with my life... kind of feel like i messed up.. should have gone to college. should have taken more chances on things. could not ever find love. and honestly i do not blame them (any of the women I have talked too or had relationships with). I cannot even love myself so how can i try to love someone else or let them love me? that is not fair to them.. I do not know why I am even here. I guess it kind of feels better to type this out. even if no one ever reads it. i do not have anyone else to express these feelings to anymore. pain hurts my chest physically so much when i feel like this. feel like ill get a heart attack or something one day just from being so depressed.. anyways, If anyone reads this, i hope you can try to have a better night than me. Woke up tonight and cannot stop crying...",Suicidal +8810,"Have been feeling depressed for quite a while. A lot of it has to do with my future goals and career, just general anxiety and fear for the future. Will be entering college this fall and sorta feel weird about life. I have friends from hs but we do not really talk and I do not really have anyone in my life to talk to, or want to talk to. I am just overall very neurotic about my future career. Ill be going down a very difficult and long career path that I believe objectively is one of the hardest ones out there (medicine). I have been working really hard to get opportunities and building up my resume and stuff. While I am doing stuff I do like, I do not feel happiness in life. There really is not anything that brings me joy. I also feel bad about my body. Sometimes I look at old photos and feel really bad about how I have gained weight. I have struggled with an ED before but I do not have ed issues anymore, but it does not stop me from feeling bad about myself. And yea I just do not really feel anything, and I do not know if I want to seek professional help. Like overall I feel like the road ahead is going to be very difficult and tiring and I just want a break but I feel like I have not been working hard enough as I have been doing a lot of comparing myself with others lately.Just wanted to get this all off my chest. Just want to write it out",Depression +8811,Is it really depression if you not on the level of suicide? Grey state,Depression +8812,"I was in a long distance relationship for almost two years. I put everything I had into this relationship. It was very real to me. I come to find out that he has been cheating on me and using me while I was trying to help him get back on his feet. I asked him about it and he blocked me. Two years of my life wasted. Funny thing was, if I had not met him I would be dead already. The last time I flew to see him, he ghosted me. I cannot anymore",Suicidal +8813,I was looking at some past friends social media and it made me realize even more how sad and pathetic my life really is. And yes before anyone says it I know social media is not real and only shows people the good sides and blah blah blah but still its clear these people are at least doing something in there life and trying to go after their dreams while I am just laying in bed..doing absolutely nothing for the past 4 years. Also I have no friends. I still really do not know why I have absolutely no friends like there are people who are absolutely shit and have tons of friends but I do not. At this point after this many years I have come to the conclusion I am just unlikeable for some reason. And I SWEAR to fucking GODDDD if someone tries to give me some advice on how to make friends. Trust me when I say I have done everything you possibly could to make friends. At this point I have given up and have decided to be friendless forever. Even if somehow someone all of a sudden wanted to be friends with me Id turn them down because Id be too pissed off that for some reason now that I do not give a shit about being alone now someone is trying to befriend me Id be mad. I am so behind in life,Depression +8814,I just cannot stop crying. Idek what to do w myself or my life Got super drunk and my past super depressed feelings are back,Depression +8815,"I grew up on a farm where I saw a lot of brutal animal death at a young age and on top of all this I witnessed my parents marriage and sanity almost dissolve. Thankfully they are still together but the beginning days of the dairy farm really gave me a wakeup call that my parents did not know everything and were not the best decision-makers. I am now 25, battling intrusive thought OCD for 7 years and often extremely depressed. I try not to show it but I really want to die most days. I am kind of known as the funny guy by those around me but that is all just ""put on"" when in social settings. I feel obligated to not plan such a thing as my own suicide, because I do care about my parents and siblings, but in regards to life itself, I just wonder what is the point?I do not necessarily believe in a heaven or higher purpose, and I despair at the fact that so much unchangeable pain and death has already happened. My ""friends"" that I have always seem to surprise me with their lack of empathy about certain things and joking attitude about things as painful and saddening as suicide. They do not know that its something that is always on my mind, but their jokes about suicide still hurt because it is a serious subject. I feel so incredibly trapped by life and so in pain by intrusive thoughts. I seriously cannot tell anymore where intrusive thoughts end and where my conscious choices and ideas begin. I am a visual person that is always seeing bad imagery in my mind of things I do not want, and its so persistent that I do not always know if its me. At this point, if someone asked me if I am a good or bad person, I would say ""Yeah, I am bad"", despite the fact that I have never actually ""done"" something to anyone. I do not tell anyone this but I often wish I had never been born at all when my mind is racked with guilt and confusion. I do not think I am mentally ill, but there have been some moments in my teenage years when I did start to slip down the path of total confusion, such as a time in which I thought I may be the same person as my father. Yeah, it sounds stupid, but I thought since we did have a lot in common and he did look a lot like me at my age, maybe we were actually the same person. I often just feel that I am not in control of the types of thoughts I have and I feel at a loss for words about the kind of aimless person I am now.But honestly one of the biggest things that bursts any desire to further myself for a better life, is the hopeless of isolation. I have yet to forge an actual close friendship in the past 10 years or more. This is excluding my siblings and parents. Something where both people understand and are open with each other. Yeah, I can spout to one of my ""friends"" some philosophical commentary on life, but that is just surface level crap. I have never dated and do not know if I have it in me. So a lonely life ahead sounds miserable too tbh.The stuff where I genuinely tell someone how I REALLY feel about my life, my pain, my hopelessness and my internal rage at myself never happens. I begin to tell them personal stuff because their seemingly trustful, but then I see that they really are not engaged, and they may not even be listening.Because I keep convincing myself not to commit suicide, I often instead find myself just saying ""I wish life was already over by now."" I mean, its going to happen one day. Why cannot it just hurry up already for me, since its always looming in the background like an inescapable punishment. I know I should not feel this way, and I am sorry for that, but as this reddit group already knows, this is one of the only places where some people can vent their frustration or share their pain in the hopes that improvement will come from fellow sufferers. I think I have some repressed anxiety from childhood that really comes out in despair.",Suicidal +8816,"I feel like an actual child. I cannot control my emotions. I am full of RAGE and vengeance. I want to throw things and destroy everything in my path. FUCK IT ALL. I have been scream-crying for three days straight. I feel so raw. I am so fucking mad. I am done. I am DONE. I want everyone to DIE or FUCK OFF. I hope my father kills himself soon I REALLY do. He deserves pain. I want him gone. he is A WOMANIZING PIECE OF SHIT NARCISSIST WHO DESERVES TO DIE ALONE. YOU DROVE ME TO SUICIDE YOU BASTARD AND CALLED IT A STUNT. YOU GAVE ME DIAZEPAM. YOU LEFT PILLS OUT. YOU RUINED YOUR LITTLE GIRL. FUCKING DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND HANG YOURSELF. ITS ALL YOU ARE GOOD AT. FUCK THIS WORLD! I do not even want to die, I am just in agonizing, grieving pain these past days",Depression +8817,"I have undiagnosed anxiety disorder and possibly depression too . Scared to admit it to my family. Scare that they are not going to take it seriously or make fun of me. And today, I heard my father talking to his doctor on speaker. He was told that he has depression and anxiety. He was prescribed medication for anxiety and sleeping pills and that was it. Nothing about therapy or anything. I want to get treated but I do not want to only rely on medications. I am quite worried and disappointed because I cannot see how I or my father would get better that way. Is this normal to only prescribed with medication for depression and anxiety without any therapy ? Only medicine, no therapy ?",Depression +8818,i feel like i have nobody to talk to i have my mom and my therapist but i cannot talk to them. I am 13 and i have attempted countless times and i just lost my best friend who meant everything to me and i just realized how shitty of a person i was a few years ago.. i have nobody and I am on the edge,Suicidal +8819,"I hate that I am even posting here because I do not think I could ever go through with it, I do not deserve to take a spot of someone who actually needs help. But here I am, posting on this sub. I am not even sure what I want honestly.... I have had a lot of trouble after my partner and I broke up, actually I had two breakups around the same time (I am poly). I am also a little and one of my partners said she would little me and I was her priority. she is moved on. Today I told her I was sad that we barely have talked. She got angry at me and a lot of people say I am in the wrong. Idk. it is a petty reason to be suicidal, and I need help, and plan on getting help soon. I just feel like everyone has left my life. I only talk to one person on a regular basis and I recently had to move back in with my parents. I am amounting to nothing and nobody wants me. I am going to head to bed though. With any luck I will not have to make a decision to end it all and I will not wake up tomorrow. Thank you whoever reads this. Everyone is gone",Suicidal +8820,"At least then I would have a reason to cut people off. At least then I could have.a good reason to not speak to my family again. At least I could say they were mean and cruel and I could leave. But no they just... do not care. they have never cared about what I am interested in. Never took the time to get interested with me. Only ever bought me the presents I had to write out on a list. No surprise parties. No trips that considered what might be entertaining for a only child. I was never considered in any of it. I did not get to help pick out a dog. My friends do not care. Friend. They prefer watching streamers over talking with me. If that streamer actually streamed more I would never see them. That feels so fucking degrading. ""So and so cancelled stream so you want to chat"" No I do not. I am tired of being second choice. But god if I do not say yes then I am literally alone. So I cling on to that last string even if one day I will be hanged by it. I think I would feel better if I was hated",Depression +8821,"got to try and keep myself alive, I said Id end it if I was not better and I am not but if I kill myself, at the very least, I will ruin my daughters life and create the next generation. Please please do not let today be bad I cannot end it but if I am pushed I do not know how I will stop myself. Please help me my lord and Jesus our saviour. My birthday today and I want nothing to do with it!! I used to love my birthdays today I just want it to be over not in the slightest bit interested.",Suicidal +8822,"she is just a kid, i do not want to tramstuize herbut I am so tired of feeling like shit all the time, i do not even know where my life is heading nothing is fun anymor i want to do it , but i cannot leave my child behind",Suicidal +8823,My little sister came into my room and I got made and went outside to the back because my mom told her to look for something and I do not like when she is in my room it frustrated me since I was annoyed Then when I went to the backyard and when I came back I noticed my phone missing.I know they knew the password since I keep all mine the same to remember easier.I told my mom to tell my little sister to give me my phone.Then my little sister shows up and I tell her I know she has my phone telling her to give it back.She started talking shit and normally I would ignore it because I am depressed.But I started talking and you could hear my voice almost sounded like I wanted to cry but kept trying to defend myself.My sister used to not be that way.She used to be nice and everyone liked her but now she is acting like she is better than everyone.Sometimes she is psychotic the way her tone of voice gets.My dad died so maybe that is why or sleep.I everyone since I want to be left alone but do not like looking at her since she is rude for anything.I do not know why I deserve more pain when I have been down for a long time already Its hard being happy when you are already down and people do not acknowledge your mental state so it makes it worse. Its embarrassing I got hurt by my little sister,Depression +8824,Sitting on a toilet thinking life is stupid and I do not want to b here was homeless when I was thirteen for 3 months in that time was raped and almost killed on meth and dying inside now eighteen slit my wrists on a daily basis going to kill myself,Suicidal +8825,I grew up too quickly. I am in the growing up stage and yet I feel like I should kill myself because I will never have it back. The good memories are gone. I am too nostalgic for my own good,Suicidal +8826,"I read the posts here and just break down. I do not know why I keep coming back, its like a car crash. You cannot look away but you know its going to be awful. I feel so bad for everyone who is posted here. And the worst part is that I see people justifying why they are commuting suicide... and what is worse is that I end up thinking that they have a point. I find it depressing how closely I have related to some of these posts, but I cannot stop coming back I am sorry",Suicidal +8827,"Knowing that if it does not kill me and I cannot be quiet enough to stomach the pain, Ill probably be left with organ damage, and that it can take hours to kill you from what I have read holds me back from doing it. I wish there was just an easy 100% guaranteed way in under a minute that I could have access to, I am sure most on this sub feel that way too unfortunately Bleach vent",Suicidal +8828,"One thing someone said to me after telling them some of the things I have been through is that I am actually one of the strongest people there is for getting through it and still being someone who spreads positivity. The thing is, I am not strong. Barley anyone knows everything that is happened to me or about the void its left in my heart. I keep it hidden. I am a goofy type of person, so I hide it with laughter. I try to make people laugh and do good things as a distraction. Doing these good things makes me feel better about myself for a short amount of time. Like I said though, I am not strong. I constantly let myself get triggered and start remembering the trauma. I get so anxious sometimes that its hard to hide, and I am so terrified of opening up about it to many of the people I care about because I am afraid of letting myself be vulnerable like that. I know its probably irrational, but I am afraid that if they know the full story, they will come to see me the way that I see myself as a result of it all. Yet on the contrary, whenever I get anxious and start having flashbacks and stuff, I want nothing more than to have someone to break down to and to be completely vulnerable with without having to worry about how it would change their perception of me. I wish I could just let it all out like a little kid, but that vulnerability terrifies me. It results in a vicious cycle that I am aware is completely self inflicted, I am like the author of my own misery. If I was actually all that strong, Id be able to talk about it in detail without tensing up and getting sweaty and anxious. If I was actually strong, Id be able to not worry about being vulnerable like that. The fact that I do not have that strength is part of what makes me loathe myself so much. Does anyone else relate to all of this? Are these signs of PTSD or depression, or is all of this normal for someone with trauma in their past? I cannot stop letting my past haunt me",Depression +8829,"I have not been on this subreddit in over five months. I cannot believe that I was actually contemplating suicide. It used to be on my mind constantly. Now I am coming back to this sub to remind everyone that it really does get better. People used to tell me that all the time, and I would always think that they were spitting absolute bs to keep me on this god forsaken planet. But after experiencing recovery myself, I can say that it truly does get better. I still have very high anxiety and get panic attacks quite often, but I am way happier than I was back in the fall/winter months. I am motivated, smiling, and playing tennis like I used to. Things do not get better on their own. You need to be the one to push through your struggles and start your journey toward a better time in your life. Sure, you may need a little bit of help to get back on your feet, but I have learned that no form of therapy will ever work unless YOU are willing to change and get better.I am wishing only the best for all you guysI love you all <3 It gets better <3",Suicidal +8830,I got the bad eating disorder. I will never be pretty,Depression +8831,"Only thing holding me back is the connection i have to people, i do not want them to hurt when i go. Things could be so much simpler if a was a stupid fucking dumbass with no care for others' emotions. I am constantly suffering and the only way to make the suffering end would hurt the people i most care about.Why do they love meI do not deserve their loveI deserve to be hatedI deserve to be deadI deserve to not be able to smile and laughI'm a monster Wish i was a mean person",Suicidal +8832,"I am 26. When I was a teenager, probably early teenager, I had likea prophecy slip into my head: I was going to be dead at 30.And its always made sense to me, dying by 30. In a way its a little bit of a relief: just a couple more years then natures going to pull the plug on me. But its also scary. Like what if I am in my 30s and this dumb body is chugging along??But ever since I was 21, I have only got x more years in this world can you shut the fuck upI joke to people all the time, I am going to be dead by 30. I was not built to last.And ever since I was 25, people ask where do you see yourself in 5 years. I honestly have to bullshit that. Because I REALLY think I am going to be dead. By freak illness. Or freak accident. Maybe someone will send an assassin after me!!!I think of all the creatives that die just short of 30. The forever 27 club. Maybe Ill finish my projects that I hope will be meaningful in the next few years, maybe I will not. But I got less than 3 years left. Short life expectancy",Depression +8833,"Some of you fuckers will probably try to take that away from me but now that I can afford a gun I will be set free soon. If society wants to keep taking from me without giving anything back, then they will reap what they sow Finally at peace knowing my death is coming",Suicidal +8834,I hate everything about myself and my life. How do I stop? How do I stop hating myself?,Depression +8835,"600mg worth, is it painful please fuck I want this nightmare to end I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I might take all my Prozac tonight",Suicidal +8836,"I disagree. I was not prepared for this shit at all. I am only 25 & I feel like I have gone through hell and I am still going through hell. Every single day I sit here and feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try, my situation does not improve. Rent is so high and jobs pay so little I cannot afford to move right now. I battle with my brain from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Everyone in my family is talking about me behind my back and not doing anything to help me. I have asked for advice and help several times from them and my friends. They all ignore me and my friends abandoned me because I am not important to them. I feel like I am in this all alone. I have a very loving and caring boyfriend but I feel like I overwhelm him with my issues so I do not like to involve him at all. He always says hes here for me and I know he is. But my anxiety says different My problems are bigger than me and I cannot do shit about it. No one said it would be like this. Your 20s are the best years of your life!",Depression +8837,16 M been dealing with bad depression for awhile. My dad found out I cut today and is forcing me to go to a therapist. Am thinking about taking the gun I hide in my drawer and ending my life I am thinking about it,Suicidal +8838,"I am a living fuck up. Physically, mentally, socially, academically, etc.If someone offered me the chance to never have been born and my consciousness to not exist I would take it in a heartbeat, because I know the world would be a better place without me in it. Too bad I am too much of a pussy to actually act on my thoughts. I wish I could undue my existence",Suicidal +8839,"TW: Mention of self harm and attempts. My sister and I both suffer from severe depression and anxiety, solely because of our alcoholic father. I have been suffering since I was 13 yrs old and I felt like I had recovered for the most part. My sister is 16 and has been suffering from depression for a few months now and it has progressively gotten worse. She was self harming, and has attempted 3 times over the past few months. My father obviously does not care and my mom is very close-minded and does not know how to communicate with my sister. I had to drop out of school and quit my job so I could stay home full time to watch my sister and make sure she is safe. I have taken her to the hospital several times and she stayed in the mental health unit for a few months but it has not made a difference. she is back home and I am constantly on edge because I am worried she is going to somehow hurt herself. I try my best to keep an eye on her and I basically follow her everywhere around the house. Everytime my parents find out she managed to cut herself under my care, or attempted, they blamed me for being careless. I love my sister with all my heart. I am fucking exhausted, and I can feel myself wanting to give in, but I know I have to be strong for my sister. Am I an awful person for thinking/feeling this way? I feel trapped and I do not know how to take care of myself and also take care of my sister simultaneously. I think my depression is coming back from looking after my suicidal sister.",Depression +8840,i do not know what the point is. attention maybe? to vent? either ways nothing good comes out of it. I am still as depressed as ever. i feel claustrophobic. i feel exhausted. i feel totally alone in this world. i hate thinking so much. when I am alone with my thoughts i feel like I am walking into a dark room filled with dangerous predators and locking the door behind me. i do not know why i continue to post on here,Suicidal +8841,I think I just threw up because of anxiety again and it is been almost a year if not a year and a half sense I have thrown up over him and I just did it tonight I am at his house rn because family life is bad but I am going home tomorrow and I do not want to leave him but I know I have to so I can get better and I know now that if I die because of him he will not care but it is ok because that is just how life is cruel and unpredictable It has to do with the ex I was talking about in my last post,Suicidal +8842,"I hate every job I do, because i end up being so bad at itEveryone says I am a looser in my back, even tho i try my bestEvery job that i tried in my life, i was bad at it, even if i try my bestI cannot live without a jobSo i just cannot live, i cannot handle being mocked all the time by my co workers at every job i doAnd they all hate me because I am weird I am a failure",Suicidal +8843,"How high should it be to kill you?If you are here to say something else than answering my question, do not because that will make things worse.I have decided what way and have few ""areas"" in mind but I need some further answers. I do not want to screw up and end up in a wheel chair or so for the rest of my life. I get that while you jump off a bridge, you probably have seconds to realise and regret what is happening but that is fine. I have suffered for years, seconds is nothing to me.Is 10m, 100m, 300m enough? If I land in water, how high? etc... Thanks How high should a bridge be?",Depression +8844,"Hi. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, and I have been prescribed antidepressants since February.The meds helped with my anxiety and severe morning blues, but it did not really resolve much of my problems.I was raised in a cult.I want out but cannot ATM.I want to restart my life. I do not know how. I want a restart in life",Depression +8845,"Got in a big argument with my parents because I forgot to do something (very petty too)They kept saying that I am selfish, I spend too much time with my online friends and that I do nothing productive despite working from 12 md to 9 pm almost every single day while simultaneously being a college student.I felt like I had everything going for me: decent paying job, a good major, a healthy relationship, great friends and helped with the bills. It seems like it is never enough. I am so tired of this. I cannot move out either, rent is extremely high due to covid and I have no other relatives who want to take me with them.Already made cuts in my arms (not the horizontal ones either) and I am hesitant as to whether or not I should overdose on cough medicine. Something is stopping me despite losing it.My boyfriend is trying to help me and I think I am mainly stopping thanks to him but I see my sanity slowly drifting away. I feel horrible right now",Suicidal +8846,I need help...I need someone there for me...I am alone...my parents do not care...my husband left me I am losing my kids I am homeless I have no friends I have no body and nothing....I cannot handle being alone anymore please..... Someone please help me....,Suicidal +8847,"No one will probably read this, but I just wanted to say I am sorry. I am sorry to YOU reading this for wasting your time, I am sorry to my two little siblings who I do not talk to, I am sorry mom for being a piece of shit son, I am sorry dad for not calling you and neglecting our relationship, I am sorry to all my cousin's who I have ignored like an asshole. MOST IMPORTANTLY I am sorry for being alive and causing all this suffering. I have let you all down. I hate myself as much as everyone else hates me. I am sorry for being alive.",Depression +8848,"It happened last night. We were both in the US ARMY. She went to the bases behavioral health due to problems in her marriage. From there she was referred to the same program that I was in (I graduated a bit before she would have). While I was there, I would often talk to her about problems in her marriage. Her wife had left her and moved back home, leaving her alone. She seemed like she was doing so well and coping. I felt comfortable that she would do fine without me there. And today I found out that she killed herself. I do not know how to feel. Sad? Angry? I feel like I failed my friend, all she needed was someone to love and care for her. I could have given her that. Its got me thinking about my own life and if its worth it to keep going. My friend just killed herself",Suicidal +8849,"As the title says, the week of July 12th was one of the worst in my life. I feel completely defeated at this point and I just want to give up. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for the last 7 years, and, for awhile, it was helpful for me. We found a good cocktail of medicine that helped me feel normal, and helped me function with my day-to-day activities. But, around the end of May I noticed that my meds just were not as effective as they once were. I have to state that I have been suffering from depression, anxiety, and PTSD since 2003. I have also been suffering from insomnia in varying degrees of severity since then as well. I cannot stress how absolutely miserable it is to want nothing more than to sleep and not be able to.So back to the 7/12. I had been visiting my family for awhile since I have been working from home for a year and half, and I did not want to be alone every single day. Plus, I missed our family dog dearly. So it was great to spend time with her. While I was home, I also got a dog for myself, just, the sweetest little thing. But low and behold, she was born with a genetic condition that requires she get a total hip replacement. that is going to be 8K after all is said and done. I do not have that kind of money. Not at all. Anyway, when I left to come back home to take care of things here, I left my dog behind because her surgery was scheduled back where my folks live and I did not want to stress her out with a lot of back and forth travel. When I left, I did not get an opportunity to say bye to our 15 year old family dog. I figured I was coming back for my dogs surgery in August, so Id see her then. And then I found out my family had to put her down on 7/12. That little dog meanteverything to me. I have been used and abused and discarded by people all my life. My family (not my nuclear family, but the rest), my friends, everyone. But that little critter loved me unconditionally. And now she is gone. And I did not get to say bye to her. Furthermore, my dog is slated for surgery on 8/12, one month to the day of the other dogs passing. And, while I am not superstitious, its still causing massive anxietyjust in case anything happens to her. When I got back home I found a new psychiatrist; Id changed insurance earlier this year. However, he does not accept insurance and its $500 a session. I researched psychiatrists in my area and hes highly recommended and rated. And I like him. However, the costyeahalso not helpful for my stress and anxiety. We also changed my anti-depressantwhich now costs me 400 bucks a month. Again, cannot afford any of this. My weekly therapy is $130. I earn a good amount of money but I happen to live in one of the most expensive areas in the US, so my income does not go too far. So I have just been panicking. I am in a ton of debt. I have been trying to do everything right to help better myself. But every time I start to make progress it gets derailed. I have gained about 90 pounds in the last year. And I cannot seem to lose it or change my dietary habits because its so hard for me to care when I feel so exhausted. My job sucks, I am paid 60% of what I should be earning in my field as an entry-level position (though I have been doing this for 7 years). I have started looking for other jobs but its just exacerbating my anxiety. Like, to the point where its crippling. I feel like I am barely holding it all together and that, at any moment, the dams going to burst and Ill just spiral. I do not know what to do anymore. Id love for all of this to just be over. I am just so tired. I have had some of the worst weeks of my life and I am just so tired, deflated, and defeated.",Depression +8850,"I am working my butt off to earn but still it is not enough. Problems shitting with me every now and then. Been hustling like a bee. Resting is a luxury. I am tired. I just want to rest forever. Trying my best, but still not enough",Depression +8851,"i (13nb to specify why i tagged csa) have bpd and there is someone i really really really really like (ill call them x) who i used to date and they became my favorite person but i did not know it but after some drama i wwas forced to break up with them and we cut ties but after a few months we became friends again and i realized they were my favorite person but now they have another gf andd sometimes x says romantic things to me and makes me feel really happy but x also really likes abusing and manipulating me (they say this outright) and they wish they could sexually abuse me and kill me but also that they love me and sometimes i vent on another socmed about how i have intrusive thoughts about doing mundane romantic things with them and they get uncomfortable with it and they always try to get me to hate them because ""they are an abuser"" and i just . cannot. i cannot force myself to hate them. whenever i talk about how i feel about them they start sayng nice thing s to me to get me all flustered bbut i know ill never really be able to date them again and that I am a fuckign monster ijust feel like I am going to be trapped in this endless loop of despair forever nd ever and ever and i feel like ~~and i was going to jump off of the bridge near my house~~ but that would be too much effort since its really late at night where i am and i would wake my parents up but i just do not feel like i can do this anymore. i even wrote down my suicide note in an old notebook of mine. i sent my sister my computer password and I have done everything but i just feel frozen. i do not know if i should do it or not iiiii cannot fucking do this anymore! (tw csa?) I am having a psychotic break rn sorry if this is badly worded",Suicidal +8852,"I just completely broke down screaming, crying, shouting negative banter. I really think this session could have gone well if I controlled myself and analyzed my thoughts. it is been so tough these past days and I just could not take it anymore. My therapist was left speechless and could not put a word in. it is ok to have a shoulder to cry on but it is depressing knowing there is only so much they can do but listen. I just want things to be better but so much is going wrong. I am so lost. I am so confused. I am starting to have homicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I am so angry. I have held in my anger and pain all my life and it is finally out. This is my last straw. I am on edge all the time. I just do not know what to do anymore. Therapy today was exhausting and landed me nowhere improvement wise",Depression +8853,"TLDR: they got worse but at least plan c is gone Basically I made a post at one point saying I had three separate plans and a whole lotta bad thoughts, so check that first for context.Good news is: plan c is no longer a plan. I cannot interact with people well enough to get a date in the first placeBad news: mostly bad news. The thoughts are still there and boy oh boy are they growing. So during a few meltdowns I have done a real bad thing where I just walk out and go as far away as possible, remembering plan A in the process. Now they have been nagging me to do it more outside of meltdowns - mall, grocery store, park; hell, we got in a car crash a few weeks ago (dw everyone is ok) and I thought to just start walking and hope no one notices. Literally the only thing that stopped me was the cops sowing up to assess the damage. Speaking of plan a, that is also been nagging more. Not much to elaborate there.Another thoughts been growing, the one that I have had it too good. Been noticing my appetites going down cuz I feel like I do not deserve whatever I am eating. More commonly with meltdowns Ill try to get rid of clothes, jewelry, phone, etc thinking only good kids get to have it. I hardly even want to go anywhere anymore cuz all the fun places are good kid things and I should not have that. Even the bed I am laying in while typing feels wrong to sleep in.I have lorazepam in case they get too bad but I always refused and threatened to take the whole bottle, and now I am legit afraid to take it in case I decide to go through with it 2am update on the thoughts and plans",Suicidal +8854,"i feel like i have to live for validation, but i have no one to validate me. i whore myself out just to get the rush from it but it just makes me feel worse because I am trans and insanely dysphoric. I am so tired of living like this. i want to feel human. i feel like there is no escape from myself other than dying and i do not even know what to do anymore. i do not feel connected to myself or anything around me and its driving me insane and i do not think i can do it anymore i think i am going insane!",Suicidal +8855,Well me I am not that type person to talk abt my feelings just thought that maybe there will be some one who can understand what I mean actually its really hard to explain I feel like that is why I cannot get any help I just want to die but I am so scared to die because I do not know what is next what is after this world were in Rn I am just so lonely have nobody to talk to i have no friends and everything else its just so heavy I am only 14 I do not really know if I am supposed to be having these thoughts I have a lot more to say but I am sleepy lol goodnight Sad,Depression +8856,"I am so tired of the pain, and knowing that the only reason I am still alive is so that i do not hurt others is not making it any easier.I got a job i like, friends and a girlfriend i go to therapy but still i spend soo much of my time wishing i was not here anymore.When is it ok to just give up? because I am running out of energi too keep fighting. i cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +8857,"So, I have a teenage brother who does not act his age but he is not sped or anything. I am about to turn 20 and he still wants to sleep with me. I feel uncomfortable sleeping with him (we both have our own beds) and I am in my mom's room since I am babysitting and he wants to sleep with me. I told him, you are not a little boy, go sleep in your room. I was told my depression was quite high and I tend to overreact sometimes but I just cannot control how I feel. I started crying from being upset and he still would not budge. My grandma said why I am so against it and I told her ""He mocks my depression every single time. You think I will feel comfortable sleeping with someone who mocks my depression?"" that is when both my grandma and aunt said ""it is all in your head. Control your feelings. it is just a minor thing, no need to overreact""I KNOW I am OVERREACTING BUT ITS NOT SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL. THEM SAYING ""ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD"" MAKES ME BELIEVE THAT they are DISMISSING MY DEPRESSION AS SOMETHING SMALL. I FEEL REALLY HURT. I KNOW I ACT CHILDISH BUT I JUST cannot CONTROL MY FEELINGS. IT TOOK A LOT OF COURAGE FOR ME TO COME OUT TO SAY ""I HAVE DEPRESSION"" but i regret I ever did. They do not take my depression well. I attempted an overdose but they do not change their behavior towards me. Why did I ever decide to trust them?? All I ever wanted from them was to say they love me and that they will support me and take my depression seriously. Why is it that I feel that my doctor cares more than my family?? I really needed to rant so thank you guys for reading ""it is all in your head""",Depression +8858,"i have goals and ideas that I have been wanting to pursue since forever but i still just cannot get myself to do anything. whenever i have free time i opt for the most comforting activity rather than something productive. and my biggest problem is that when i finally buckle down to do something productive, i stop when things begin to get hard. I am just so lazy. i know depression plays a big role in why I am like this but idk. i want to better myself so so unmotivated to do anything",Depression +8859,"First, I am sorry, English is not my native language.I feel empty, I do not care if we need to be with another humans, I do not really know if I want to spend time meeting other persons, because I cannot make friends. I have a boyfriend, and 3 pets that are all the family that I hace, but recently, one of my dogs passed away and I cannot stop thinking that I am the worst owner, and of course, I am overthinking about every aspect of my social life. Toby, I always cry for you. I miss you. My dog recently die and I do not have friends, I lost my best friend.",Depression +8860,"anyone else feel like they are just waiting to meet someone so you can have a person again to do fun things with all the time, text your every thought to, and just be happy with? also i know people will say happiness comes from within and not a relationship but idk that is just how i feel lately being single has made me very depressed",Depression +8861,"that is it really. I am on my last legs here and I do not know what is dumb and what is not. I am trans and I know I will *never* be able to come out of the closet but when I think about it even if I could what would that change? I blocked a bunch of my friends recently and plan to go back but am worried that is ruined forever with some of them and am kind of resigned to it. I understand if they do not forgive me. I was upset by something one of them said, I was upset at myself. They just asked me kindly not to make a certain kind of comment and I had a meltdown. I wanted to hurt myself so bad but I just got out of a therapy session about not doing that and it stuck in my head. I did not but I am not proud of it. I do not feel any better or good about it at all. I felt like I still needed to do something rash hence the blocking. I was so happy before and in a split second, I have crumbled to this familiar bullshit. I got out of a cult recently that my family remains firmly in, hence the fear of them. I cannot cut ties with them though, I do not want to. they are not bad people. I know they will never stop loving me no matter what and a lot of them suffer from the same things as me, depression and suicidal tendencies, they have kept me alive this long. I do not want to die. God, I do not fucking care if I live or not. I just do not see any other options. I have been doing okay with just hurting myself and am trying to balance stopping that without falling into suicide attempts. I feel like I have got to reach a certain level of fucked up before anyone will or should bother to help me. I want to be as pathetic as possible because if I get better people will stop being so careful when I still need it as much as they can offer. My throat is incredibly swollen right now from an illness. My friends made me care. I did not want them to miss me, I love them. I do not care right now. I am angry at them because I cannot afford to be angry at myself anymore. I would not survive it. I can either be an unpleasant, maybe even *bad,* person or a dead man. I do not want to die, but I do not believe I have a solution and I really would not care if I dropped dead right now. I do not want to kill myself, I could never stab or poison my body, but if I just stepped in front of a train or off a cliff I think that would be nice. I need someone to tell me I should not kill or maim myself",Suicidal +8862,The title says it all. I really really hate myself for being me. Starting to hate everything and the funny thing is everyone takes it as a joke. Keep it up. Just make me feel worse. it is all I want Self hate,Suicidal +8863,"As I type all this out, I am certain that the final chapter to my story is coming to a close. I am so lost. So empty. So bewildered. I do not even know what I am feeling right now, let alone who I even am. I can barely formulate words to describe to you how mentally fucked I am. that is why it is taken me over 7 draft's and 4 month's to type this post out. I want to apologize in advance if I am all over the place here.I really miss being a kid. I was a charming fellow who oozed optimism. Everywhere I went, I radiated positivity. Perhaps you could mistake this for innocence? Regardless though, everything was so different then. The only thing that mattered to me was catching the latest episode of Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Never in a million years would I have expected to grow up and be worth less than the ground beneath your feet. Here I am at 21 and I have become, nothing. I do not have a car, I just got a job (and I probably will not keep it for much longer), I have no one to love or appreciate me, the little amount of ""friend's"" I have are slowly pushing me out of their lives, my credit is fucked. The only thing I have is Music. But even still, it can only go so far. Drowning out my thoughts in tune is great and all but eventually, I will be brought back to reality and my little fantasy will vanish.It does not help that I still live with my emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother. what is worse is that, realistically, she is the only remaining person in my life and because of this, I am forced to love her. But loving her fucking hurts. It feel's as if I am walking on egg she will's when I am around her. She constantly gaslight's and manipulate the fuck out of me to the point where now she has complete control over my life and emotions. Not only is everything my fault but she convinces me that I have said thing's to her and I cannot recall me ever doing so. If I try to strike up a conversation, she pays little to no attention to what I am saying what so ever, and then scolds me for not talking to her. She always calls me inadequate and weak. Whenever I mention a promise she made to me, or something hurtful she is said to me in the past, she acts like she has no idea what I am referring to and say's, ""...that does not even sound like me. I would never say anything like that to you..."". Everything she says to me leaves me questioning my past and rationality. Maybe I am a weak, lesser-human ass pussy that overreacts and exaggerates? As fucked as it sounds, at times I wish she would just bawl her hands up into a fist and let out all her frustration and anger onto me. But she does not. So instead, I take a blade to my arm and ""brand"" words onto it.it is incredibly difficult for me to describe my emotion's. it is almost as if my brain is like the physical manifestation of White Noise. Most of the time I feel so dissociative, my entire being is on auto-pilot and I do not really ""snap out of it"" until I am in stressful situations. But by then, anxiety ensues and I start trembling. Like now for example.Suicide has been the hand tugging at my shirt for as long as I can remember, as far back as my youth. I even attempted twice this year, and unfortunately I am still here to tell the tale. I know a lot of people attempt because they want for their pain to end. For me, it is a bit different. My pain will not end. As long as my heart beat's, I will forever remain this way. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. These thought's will never stop. I will never not be depressed and miserable. it is been almost a decade since I have been this way, and it will never end. I have tried almost everything: therapy, meditation, religion, hotlines, support groups. Nothing. Next time, I want to ensure my method will work. I do not want to survive and end up in a vegetated state or losing half of my face or what have you. Last month, I watched as my childhood friend was buried 6 feet under. He shot himself. Well, I take that back. I did not attend the funeral. My mom guilt tripped me out of doing so. Imagine what kind of shit friend I am. Pathetic. No wonder everyone is pushing me away.I have no idea what to expect when I post all this but...it is really late. I am not making any sense right now. If you managed to read through this bible's worth of text and hear me rambling and being a bitch, thanks I guess. Maybe someone might give a fuck. I have a treat for you. it is the only gift I can give this world: half decent taste in music. Listen to ""A Different Age by Current Joys"", the whole album. it is been on repeat as I have typed out all this bullshit. If you are as low as me, maybe this album will speak to you as it is done to me. me rambling a bunch about my life being so cruel.",Suicidal +8864,"No matter how much shit has been thrown at me. No mattter the hardships which because so much pain to this day, I would only want to die one way.Sacrifice myself for someone. Because at least then, I can show the world that I am better than them. At least I am not a selfish being like all the others.If friends want to throw me out of their life because I am ""needy"" or I have problems, fine. I do not need to stoop to that level The only way I want to go out",Depression +8865,"Why do we even love people, when they are always bound to leave, and we tend to screw up relationships, even when we loved them?The pain is just way too much. I cannot deal with it anymore. As someone who never felt love before, to see the person you loved with all your heart leave, and that too owing to your own fault, is extremely heartbreaking. Although I am numb to the pain now, I do not think I can function properly anymore. I just want to talk to someone, anyone. Please. why does love exist?",Depression +8866,"I do not really have a job, I doordash full time and now that my car is out of commission ATM, it looks like my plans are yet again being fucked by life. Every time iv tried to move forward, life's thrown me a curveball and kept me in my current position.I swear to God it feels like I am being forced to stay here by some unknown presence. This may sound psychotic, but iv had delusions that I am a CIA social experiment and they cannot let me move otherwise the experiment will fail.Realistically, I know it is just cruel coincidence, but fuck me there is been too many coincidences. 19, little money, finally have an opportunity to move, and my cars rim bends and my tire gets fucked.",Depression +8867,do i need to meditate or sum shit like that like i really do not know what else i need to do to save my life from myself bruh,Suicidal +8868,"hey, i do not know you nor you do know me, i just want to say you cute af, never dare to let go of the smile you deserve, well hey, i kind of lost the smile on my face, i remember when i was one of the most popular guys in the school, hah- 2 years ago, after that, i had some really toxic relationships and traumatic experiences, and one day i decided, and i changed my numbers and let go of all and blocked my closest ones, and its been 2 years now, i do not remember having a nice talk with any old friend of mine, but its alrightas time passed by, i came to know i got subjected to dissociative disorder and i can now neither feel happy nor sad, nor fear nor excitementi just want to say something to the readers, i know you are suffering too right now, and you know best of what you feel at the moment since you know your story better than others, but anyways, never dare to let go of the smile on your facedont be like me, I have already lost mine and i never expect any of you to lose the same, and i best hope i can smile again someday maybeand to the ones who feel suicidal, i just want to say you deserve the world, never give up, i never did, we are in this together, and once again you cute af I wish i could smile like i used to",Depression +8869,"my parents are manipulative and abusive pieces of shit. I am not a human with feelings to them. anytime I am not masking myself.. by acting polite and taking their bullshit with a smile across my face, I am being disrespectful. and all hell raises when I am not being perfectly kind and helpful. people yell and throw things, my parents cannot control themselves. i have very severe depression, severe anxiety, ADHD and DID. that contributes to not being so happy around others. my family does not know me. they do not want to know me. i just want to be someone to them, i want to be understood. I am just talked down on, I am forced to do everything i do not want to. my dad told me to kill myself. my mom does not care whether i live or die. its not like I am some nuisance you would see on the worlds strictest parents or whatever.. i do anything i can to stay away from my family. i barely talk. i overanalyze what i say and do, before and after i.. say or do anything. I am not just careless with what i say, i do not go out of my way to upset people. every day I am finding a reason to love and care for my family, but they do not love me. i do not know what i possibly could have done to be treated like this. did i not put the dishes up when i was told to? did i not clean up the living room before you got home? is that why you want me to kill myself? earlier today, i told my mom that i think about writing her a letter every day at this point, that i do not want to be here. i asked her what she would do if i died. all she did, was point out how disrespectful i am. how i do not pay bills, how I am inconsiderate. she does not care if i die. my whole search history is looking up lethal doses for whatever medication i have access to. i want to slit my throat at this point, nothing i have will because a quick death. but cutting my throat would be painful. i do not have a car, cannot take myself to a tall building. the stove will not put out enough carbon monoxide to kill me. i want someone to kill me. i mean, I am only 15, pretty young to have to feel like this. well, I am getting a car soon, ill be able to get out. but i do not have my license, I am stuck here for now. and that is too much. this is all pointless. i had therapy going, it was helping. until my mom decided she wanted weed and cut off my sessions. no one cares. no one fucking cares. my parents treat me like shit, i just want to die.",Suicidal +8870,To much stress cannot get much sleep do not know if I want to do this anymore Idk if I want to live anymore,Suicidal +8871,"To be honest I do not know why I am on here telling strangers my problems. I need to stop being a burden on everyone and here I am wasting strangers time. I know my death will not mean anything to anyone, my life never meant anything any way. So here I am at 17 with no will to live. All throughout my life I have been in pain, mentally and physically. I hate that I am this weak. I want help but every time I ask everyone calls me weak. The friends I thought I had finally told me I am useless, even my coach told me that I would not amount to anything. I need help. I lost my will to live, I am so tired.",Suicidal +8872,I think I am finally ready to leave this world. I have done my research and I am not worried anymore. I just want to be gone. :),Suicidal +8873,"Having one of those sleepless nights going down a rabbit hole of negative thoughts. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded that I am not the only one psychologically fucked up. So anyway, what do some of you do to keep thoughts of self hatred at bay? At this point, I hate pretty much everything about myself physically. I think my biggest problem is my level of perfectionism that I cannot shake. I know my negative qualities should not bother me as much as they do, but I cannot help feeling the way that I do. How do you deal with self hatred?",Depression +8874,"For more than a year now, I have been waking up feeling like shit. Most of times there no apparent reason , it has become kind of a morning ritual. My head pounds, I feel extreme sadness, and I really struggle to go about my daily chores. The situation improves as the day progresses and by mid day/noon I am able to do my job without much problem.But, recently the morning depression has been getting worse accompanied by vivid dreaming every night. Now, when I wake up I am more depressed than ever , sometimes I think why did I stop dremaing, why I had to wake up, and I will not lie some bad thoughts have crossed my mind recently. Feeling really helpless now, what should I do? Waking up everyday in the morning seems like literal torture, with my head pounding and a mood so bad it makes me wonder, is it worth living?",Depression +8875,"I do not image living past my 30s, although I have goals in life I do not imagine them coming through I am too scared to kill myself but so tired of living I got myself a therapist but she barely keep in contact with me when she does all she does is a depression screening I am only 15 and do not know how to handle what I am feeling I do not know how to feel",Depression +8876,"I have dealt with depression my entire life but lately this depression has been debilitating.. all I want to do is sleep and when I am awake I cannot seem to function normally I have bene out of work for some time also and I keep getting interview for jobs I know I could do if it were not for my brain drowning in my depression.. plus my husband does not understand it at all and does not seem to want to put up with it or even attempt to help me anymore probably frustrated and tired of it I wish I could just wake up feel normal and snap out of it I have no idea what else to do.. I have tried multiple medications, books, I need to try counseling again, just beyond lost and shattered there does not seem to be any hope left.. Deeper depression",Depression +8877,"so, this might be a little long. sorry about that in advance anyway.like the title said I have no idea what I am doing with my life, not trying to feel sorry for myself by posting this or anything I just do not know what to do anymore. I had a very complicated childhood, my parents never let me get an education. (and by that I mean not at all, I never did any school work, or even went to school at all when I was a kid/teen.)my spelling is almost nonexistent and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to improve it (using a mix of autocorrect/google translate to write this out) and my math is awful, but I did manage to teach myself to read quite well though.I was not allowed to talk to other kids growing up and so I had no friends growing up and was not allowed to leave the house at all, only sometimes to go shopping with my dad or mom. and I went out even less after my father killed himself when I was 8.the first time I talked to someone/went outside by myself was when I was 16 and it was to get milk and other stuff because my mom just got too lazy and she could not be bothered anymore I suppose. as you probably guessed I have extreme social anxiety and can barely talk to other people even till this day.this might sound awful and I feel awful for saying this, but covid is probably the best thing to ever happen to me I was able to move out with one of my sisters because of government benefits, because of this I was able to look inward and able to see how badly I was treated by my family and to see that I might have a lot of mental problems because of this.I do not know how I thought my home life was normal, but I had my mom calling me useless because I was unable to get a job and pay her rent, and most of my siblings treated me like dirt acting grossed out just from seeing me, and some of them even used to tell me that: I should kill myself because no one would miss me anyway"".the only people in my family I am close with are my two little sisters and my older brother though he cut everyone in our family off including me because his wife does not like any of us which hit me hard.my family has pretty much fallen apart a surprise to anyone reading this I am sure haha.so that brings us to today I am 23 years old have no education, do not have any friends, I cannot get a job, and I Might be homeless soon.I am seeing a psychologist soon. I do not think it will help me much honestly. I wake up every day scared of being homeless I cannot relax anymore, I do not enjoy anything in life anymore. for anyone who is worried I do not think I am suicidal, but I am honestly finding it hard to find a reason to live anymore.to anyone who made it to the end of this probably very badly spelled post, Thank you. I feel like I am floating through life, and I do not know what to do anymore.",Depression +8878,"So much shame inside my head. I was raised in a Christian household, I was raised with proper, well adjusted parents. No trauma, no abuse, no abandonment or lack. Up until high school I always had at least one best friend, literally I always had one person who would agree with me that I was their best friend. Wed play tag a recess or just walk around the playground and talk about random shit. I went to church every Sunday, went to the beach with family, got along great with my siblings, parents had no favorites and treated us all equally, I had a cat I adored though admittedly sometimes terrorized it, I had (have technically, still living in the same home) a huge backyard that I played in almost every day with my siblings, we had (again have technically) amazing neighborhood friends. I would wake up every day with legitimate joy and wonder, I was excited, even for school. I had the kind of childhood that probably makes most people on this sub seethe with envy. Those people would read my post with incredulity, how in the living fuck is this guy? Why does he belong here?? He could not possibly understand what we have been throughand I agree. I do not. I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me, yet somehow I am emotionally and psychologically stunted, I isolate myself from family, I lash out at others for the smallest things, I victimize myself quite a bit, I just have a genuine disdain for this life. I feel like I have so much to say and yet my brain is so foggy. Of course when I want to say something my brain locks up, but if I want to sleep and relax, suddenly World War III has erupted in my head. Not that anyone would pay attention anyway, I understand that I am just another faceless person on this sub, whining about the same shit over and over and over again, just like everybody else. I was never popular, never had much attention given to me outside of family (yeah I know I sound pretty spoiled, many people on this sub could not even get attention from their family). I guess my problem is that I am just soterribly average and normal in all kinds of ways, and very much not average in all the wrong ways, in very disgusting ways, if that makes any sense. I have all this disgusting and inhuman traits, and nothing good. I have nothing to offer, I just should not fucking be here. Why did the universe allow me to be conceptualized? Why did my biological parents, whoever they are (adopted), have to create me?? All I ever wanted to do was be a super empathetic, compassionate, loving, safe, kind, accepting, giving, and joyful person. I am none of those. I am quickly losing my ability to empathize with others because I hurt too much, I cannot extend compassionate or love because reality is too cold and harsh, I do not feel safe with myselfhow long until that happens with other people as well? I am not very kind, I am super grumpy and angry at life and everyone in it, I am becoming very unaccepting of others because I feel like the universe or god has rejected me, I am not joyful, that is just a big no, I cringe at happy and uppity people. The only silver lining here is that I am sort of giving, only because I hate myself so much that I want to serve others (albeit in small ways) and forget I exist, I want to be put last. At the same time though I hate that I am feeling so left outso I want to be heard and acknowledged, but I cannot get any acknowledgment or attention from who it matters most..I am a horrible person with sickening thoughts anyway, why should I get any sort of acknowledgment. I should not get to have friends, to have a girlfriend (have not had one ever lol), to have a family that cares about me, to have hopes or dreams, I am nothing, I am no one important or special. I am just a dirty rag, I am the one cracked egg, the defective product, I have no purpose or use other than to be thrown away and discarded. I am understanding this and accepting this more and moreHonestly I barely care at this point whether people care anymore. I do not carethats all that matters. I am trying to think of other things to say, but that is probably a sign that I should stop. I have said all I can say, I have said many things multiple times over. I am not unique, I am not special, I am not someone anyone wants to be friends with or someone to look up to, I have no special qualities, no good looks, no intelligence, no wit or ability to make others laugh, I do not make anyone feel special or noticed or important, I do not make anyone excited when I walk in the room, if anything I suck the life out of the room, everyone watches me from their peripheral view, analyzing me to see what I want or what I am going to do, eager to see me leave. I justdont get it. I serve zero purpose and have no function. When people on this sub or anywhere else try and give me to stay, what is the fucking reason? could not be because I will help humanity, could not be because I have some special to offer, could not be because I look good, or give people the giggles, or befriend others easily, or make people feel at ease and calm, important, heard, it could not be because of anything good is my damn point. What do you want me to just sit in the corner and merely exist for the sake of my family? What kind of fucking life is that? Clearly no one in this world needs me, so you cannot possibly imply that there is some greater goal for me to achieve, or people to meet, or grand adventure to go on. I cannot do fucking anything that this world needs me to do, I cannot be anything this worlds need me to be, so just let me fucking go. Unfortunately society will not help me in this endeavor, so I must undergo this task alone, via hanging of the self. It should be fun. I do not care about the pain or slow agony of suffocating anymore, if anything I look forward to it in a sick way. I know I do not matter and do not have any worth or use, so its for the best. I am a creepy weirdo anyway, so I am just imagining all the faces of the people who will feel at ease knowing there is one less potentially dangerous person in the world, and Ill be happy knowing I will not live long enough to be one of them. So thanks for everything I guess, reddit has been a huge life saveruntil it is not I guess lmao. But seriously you guys helped me get through a lot of shitty moments, helped me fall under the illusion that I was not alone and I actually had a tribe, like I had found my people. I know my people do not exist, or if they do they are incredibly fucked up and nasty, and I do not want any empathy or compassion from them, I do not want to be related to them in any way shape or form. So Ill choose to kill myself instead. I literally cannot wait. For those of you who are leaving with me, see you on the other side (if there actually is one). Hopefully its a much better place than this, and we can ride on the cloud tops laughing at all the suckers stuck down here thinking its worthwhile. that would be awesome haha. I am literally so excited",Suicidal +8879,I am so numb and I cannot feel a thing any emotion feels tiring and I do not smile or cry and I am even finding it hard to be angry. I am just plain but I am really depressed and angry. I do not know what to do with my life I am stuck working in shit and I do not know what to doI have nothing really going for me but I have made myself believe I have and it does not make sense I am so numb man,Suicidal +8880,I am so depressed. I am so tired of living. Please help me. I do not know what to do. So tired. Let me die. I do not need this torture any more. So tired of being alive. Why is it all so fucking hard. FUCK So depressed,Depression +8881,And then I get told that my lifes great and people have it worse and it just makes me feel even worse for not appreciating it I am just stuck in the shit and I have had so many chances to just reach for a knife pop pills whatever. My first real attempt was a week ago today literally around this time too and I honestly wish it did the job and now I am stuck with this level of awkwardness around the house with everyone knowing what I did and how embarrassed I am that I am the family lost because and it just builds up the anger inside of me. I am a really angry person in general and I hate myself I do not cry a lot anymore and I used to I do not know what is happened to me but I do not like myself I cannot even cry I feel so dry I do not know what to do my life is not even actually that bad I am just very unhappy,Suicidal +8882,I am having a really hard time figuring out how to still love them like I do but see them in relationships and be broken over and over again and I understand it is apart of life that is why we do not really talk anymore but I am hoping that after tonight thigs have changed I doubt it I just need some advice on if I should cut them off or still have them in my life because if we do not talk after this I do not know if I will be here and I know he will not care as much as i do about it but then again I might just be looking for an excuse not to be here because I just do not want to be but I am and I have to deal with it somehow How do I deal with my ex that is also my only best friend and the only one I can trust,Suicidal +8883,I wish I succeeded a few months back when I hung myself. Why do I have to be here. I wish I was dead,Suicidal +8884,"on paper my life is good and i will acknowledge that but I have just lost any willpower i have to try anymore. i do not really feel like i have a purpose in life. i smoke weed all the time just to feel something. i go through these weird cycles where i get super depressed, then feel back to normal, and then ill get super depressed again and b/c I have noticed that pattern, i do not really feel like getting out of the depression. why the fuck would i just want to crash and burn and inevitably start feeling depressed again i just do not give a fuck anymore",Depression +8885,"so I started medication about 1.5 months ago and I have noticed my anxiety, depression and OCD have been starting to get better, but my brain feels so empty without these thoughts and I find myself trying to force myself to be anxious or depressed at times. Am I crazy? Sometimes I feel like I am not truly Ill and am just doing it for attention because a truly mentally ill person would not want to force these thoughts. I do not know. I hope I am not the only one who feels like this. Comfort in anxiety and depression.",Depression +8886,I do not amount to anything. I struggle to find meaning for my existence. I want to do something but i am to weak. I feel hopeless. I am just leeching off life and not doing anything. It is like i was born to suffer. People always expect me to be happy for what i have but what is it worth if i do not make myself do anything with it? I feel like everyone is better than me and i hate it. I also hate that i might deserve this suffering. Some people just except that life is like that and they were born that way but it angers me.why me? I feel like skeletal remains of my past potential and i will continue to regret and never stop. Why am i so useless,Depression +8887,first time drawing blood SHing and I am kind of realizing that this might become addictive how do i stop this in the future uh,Suicidal +8888,I am not sure if i should be ending my misery as soon as possible or wait until there is less covid cases in hospitals so i can sign up to be an organ donor and finally end up useful i find myself extremely useless torn between ending it soon or waiting until after I sign up as a cadaveric organ donor,Suicidal +8889,"listen, i cannot forcefully stop you but i can explain my story.back when i was severely suicidal (on watch 24/7) you could not even TAKE UR EYES OFF OF ME. i was just so tempted to do it i just could not resist.i still have my battle scars to this day.before i was admitted to the mental facility, my brother told something to me that i will never forget to this day; ""i may sound like an idiot, but you do not want to go the easy way out, you got to go the hard way out."", life has its moments, that does not change ur value.we all go through tough time, my dudes, and we have all experienced the thoughts.but when you feel such, think about the people that love and care for you, without you, the world is hopeless, we all have no hope. what can we do without you? were nothing without you. you are the glue that is holding this failed 4th grade science project we call **life.****When we recognize that someone is having suicidal thoughts, and we reach out, we are instantly planting a seed of hope that they are not invisible, that they are not alone.** **-misty vaughan allen** advice for the suicidal or the thinkers",Suicidal +8890,"I do not want to exist anymore. Traveling and going to scenic views used to help a bit, but I just do not want to wake up tomorrow. That is all. My cat is the only reason I am still alive and hes mean",Depression +8891,I am thinking about relapsing in self harm Relapse,Suicidal +8892,"I am angry and crying. I hurt. But idk if its right to feel hurt. It makes me feel worse that I feel bad for myself. I should not. I want to tell someone everything but I cannot, because its wrong. I just want to die. Right now. If there was a god he would kill me for the good of the world and to end my suffering. I was not made for this world. I do not belong here. Crying",Suicidal +8893,"I feel like my mental illness has completely overtaken my words, actions, decision making, etc. to the point that I am such an entirely different person. Its like I have rewired my brain to only think and act out of sadness or worry. I overly guard my every action in fear I will ever even slightly inconvenience them. Its in every part of my life and I am lost. I have no clue who I am anymore. Completely lost",Depression +8894,"So, I tend to get depressive episodes on a fairly regular basis (when I am at optimal mental health I get mild to severe dips like a week before my cycle that then go away within a few days) but I have been having some longer than normal ones lately, and I have been stuck in that sinking black hole for about two full weeks now. Summers always tend to be worse for me since I start to feel alienated and extremely lonely since I am not in college classes and I am stuck with just my parents and my brother. I struggle making friends, and the only people I talk to on a regular basis are all online and live on the opposite end of the continent. I have only really had one irl friend, who keeps ghosting me. I am very motivated by being able to experience things with others, so this has resulted in a lot of me not doing anything at all.I love my family, but they have zero filter and often do not understand that because of my depression and mild anxiety, I sometimes do not take jokes very well, especially ones targeting things I am already struggling with. And like all family members, they love to poke and prod until I snap at them or, in rare cases, until I start crying. A lot of times, their comments will hit me right in the anxiety and I have that moment of ""I have to change everything about myself so I am perfect. Perfect people do not get made fun of."" and it is driven me to actively avoid things I love, as well as mental heath topics, when they are around. it is always a chore trying to navigate that in the summers. Everything has just been so much worse lately for some reason. there is just this ugly feeling in my chest and that horrible need to just make people hate me so I can justify feeling this way. This is easily the worst I have been mental health-wise in like a year, and I am starting to struggle a little and letting the bad thoughts linger. Sorry for the long post. there is a lot going on in my head and my life that I need to parse through I guess. Been A Little Rough Lately",Depression +8895,"I have dealt with depression pretty much my whole life, I am 34 now. let us get some basics out of the way: single, manager at an office for a bank, short enough to be self conscious about it, and just getting sober from weed.I am trying to clean the house because mom is visiting soon, but damn, I can barely do anything because nothing at this moment seems worth it. that is a familiar feeling, but it is hitting hard. I know I will work tomorrow, but when I am done... maybe exercise (that is not a big deal to me, it is more of a habit now anyways), but otherwise I just cannot function.I was supposed to be productive because weed was making me guilty for not improving my life, which needs it... but now I am not doing anything and I am completely sober. That depression is hitting hard again and I am trying to not numb it. I cannot say weed is a factor here, but I am thinking it is definitely one of them. Now I am feeling guilty again, but without the substance to block it out. I will not go back to drinking casually by myself (thank you green for helping, I admit that), but... shit man. Quitting green should not be this hard. I have cold turkey addy abuse before, and even then I was getting brain shocks from that, but those have ceased long ago thankfully. Scary shit.I cannot get out of my head that my 34 year old life can be fixed. I compare myself to everyone and just talk myself down about it to a terrible fault, but I just want to be happy and achieve my goals. Now I am back to scratching that spot on my head, dreading tomorrow.it is not like I am stupid... in some sense. Got the degree (yup, psych), dropped out of grad school, got a real estate license and personal training cert basically on a whim (both expired because I hate the selling). So I start and give up rather easily. My dream is to become an author. I know, overdone, but I cannot help it, I enjoy making a world and spooky stories and that is what makes it a dream, to at least live off that. Whenever I get someone to read something, I feel like I am forcing them to give me compliments, so now I have not touched my laptop (except for paying bills) in almost a year. I cannot continue this life in this state. In this state of having customers yell at me over the phone, constantly beating myself up, and knowing that tomorrow, I will not be able to improve. I would appreciate some input, or something nice? Ha. I am sure if you are reading this, you have an idea of why I am writing this. But it is not healthy. I take 20mg fluoxetine, but I cannot feel it. When I went up 40mg I felt terrible, so that is was not good. Anyways, thank you for letting me get this out. I cannot convince myself that my life will get better, and that is making me believe nothing is worth trying.",Depression +8896,FUCK (want to scream)\/scream\/people look at me like I am insane\/more pain\/nowhere to go nowhere to hide. pain\/pain pain pain pain FUCK\/FUCK never actually screamed. would happen if i did though. why because myself pain willingly? The eternal cycle,Suicidal +8897,"I am 20, and sincerely I do not see myself living more than 25. I am a disaster and I do not have any salvation. Wait for the best to happen is not an option anymore. What I can only do is try to survive for a little more, but that is it. Id like to tell you something more interesting than this, but that is what it is. Ill not live more than two more years.",Suicidal +8898,"For the last few weeks, I have been struggling to get out of bed for a reason too even occasionally skipping breakfast. Been annoyed by others for a small reason like the way they breathe or walk to the point I lie to people who know me just to avoid being near them. I do not like getting out anymore because I now spend my time looking at people and wondering why I do not come out as normal when I do the same as them and the paranoia of them looking at me makes me want to be angered to the point of a migraine. Have been treating people I do not know with hostel words and actions because I believe I am more physically capable to hurt them or that the consequences are not enough for me to care. Have acted in blatant predatory and manipulative behavior. we are I fallow people in public from inside stores to parks to their cars I do not even know why. I had been dragged out to a party with my cousin and he told me that he had been threatened by another guy there. Said it got to the point he was scared he would be hurt and asked me to help. I then spent the next two hours going to his bothers car, Walmart to get a bat, and followed him home. I parked a block away and walked by the trees with the bat at hand. He then got out so walked after got close enough that I whistled and busted his knee and ankle and ran like hell. The only problem is that I like to much. Been so used to my mother and others telling me what to do that I struggle to get things done to the point where I keep making my personality up as I go to make myself normal since I was told by my teachers and parent. Always hated everyone else since I was a kid only having friends knowing that if I do not I would have either kind myself or someone else out of the hated I get, filling myself with distractions to avoid myself. I am starting to break and all these lies of morality, fake friendships, and saying I am ok even tho I want to bash a skull is too much to handle I am on the edge of freaking out and self hated and honestly a little scared just need suggestions. I want to yell but cannot",Depression +8899,"I think its time for me to say my final goodbyes to this Earth. There is so much boiling hate with the people I left and the people that have left me. It was all worthless since the day that I came to this hell they call Earth. Nobody can save me because I am impossible to save. do not even bother saying that is its all going to get better. The void inside that I have does not get filled, but gets even bigger everyday that I wake up to this fucking pain. I went through so many suicide attempts and I think I do not regret every single one. I do not want to know about what is going happen next with my goddamn life. Every fucking voice in my head is always telling me to die a fast death. I think I have reached the point where there is nothing else to discover. I said I was going to kill myself pretty soon so I think this the way my life is going to end. Thanks for 18 miserable fucking years. I think I fucking had it with all the bullshit. There is no goddamn reason for me to live another day.",Suicidal +8900,I am m21 my mother passed away 3 days ago she was a single mother my rock a fucking saint I loved her man. Today I loose it at work because a customer tells me I am being very abrupt with her so I snap shouting at her I got fired. And to make matters worse my girlfriend who is been with me since we were 14 has decide that this week is the perfect time to tell me does not have feelings for me anymore I mean what did I do wrong man I tried to be there for her and now she is gone the last thing that would have kept me goijng I just do not see a point in going on man what is the point I just loose orfuck up everything man I am just so tired of the pain I am do not know how much longer I can go on. Man,Suicidal +8901,i just want to die alonemy aunt diedmy grandpa diedmy cousin diednothing is anythingi need to end this hellhole that we call a lifesomeone just shoot me in the fucking head alreadyi have nothing to live forim fatim uglyim nothingi want to die at the edge of oblivioni do not want to be known as no more than a useless piece of shit i hate my life,Suicidal +8902,"I was gaslighted my entire life and now I gaslight myself too. My mental health was a mess from as far as I remember. Now I am too afraid to ask for help, because I feel like I do not have a reason, other ppl have worse and I am generally overreacting. Lastly the only thing I want is to die. The words part is that I told my bf about it and I feel like he did not take me seriously. This made my question my feelings even more. And now when I am ready to die I cannot do it. I am to ashamed and I feel like, again, I do not really have a good reason to do so. I dream about it but I cannot bring myself to do it. Nobody knows how to i feel because everybody is neglecting me. I am just so tired I want to go I cannot even kill myself",Suicidal +8903,"Fake it till you make it One thing I have heard so often growing up. So much so I have almost mastered it.I have realized however this is wrong. I am now unable to handle basic life shit. I cannot be real. I cannot be dedicated. I cannot be anything other than what others want and now cannot be what I need. I have lost those whom care. I am struggling to keep my job. Though doubt is more common than sense at this point. Idk why I have not been fired. Assume my personality is making an image of me that is false and fake. If you do not know me I am amazing it seems. Actually know me and I am the worst person to know. Anyone and everyone. I tried to self access my self, even when every port into psychology has been closed for me (so I am no expert) but it seems its either my fault or my raising of understanding. I guess both can be my fault at the end of the day. Idk. My mother has issues for life, meaning I have observed, dealt with, or noticed. Father absent. Black which has its own issues from society and within family. Problems everywhere. Uhg work will continue do not want to discard all I have written brb Seriously why?",Suicidal +8904,"I have had a decent summer, nothing crazy like most kids but it was not bad. I did some stuff and went some places but a while back I went to this public place which had a lot of people.It made me Hella uncomfortable ngl, and I did not realize this, but the anxiety and fear is still there. A significant amount.I thought over summer break I had gotten over my fears and anxieties for the most part but I was wrong, its still there and I am panicking because I am going to have to go back to campus and do stuff around thousands of people.there is going to be a lot of people and I am not ready for it, feel like Ill throw up again.I am scared, terrified actually. please, kill me. tomorrow I have to go to school for registration and stuff like that and I am pretty nervous.",Depression +8905,"For everyone in here on the needs support side of the fence. I highly recommend taking cold showers. they are scientifically proven to help with depression. I cannot speak for the more serious cases of depression, but for those of you who are going thru a heartbreak, school anxiety, or other things like that, take a cold shower and relax. Its really not that bad to the point of ending your own life. Cold showers.",Suicidal +8906,"I was happy with some friends, after the subway ride home, i sit in my room feeling empty again and lost hope in my life A while ago",Depression +8907,"I do not know what the point of this post is really. I am feeling okay, not great but okay. Tired as hell though, which is very usual for me unfortunately. I do want to die of course, that has not changed. It ebbs and flows with whatever is happening in my life, but that constant baseline of simply not wanting to exist is an absolute that will never stop. In any case, I am just so lonely right about now. Out of the blue sometimes I find myself thinking about the girl I had a crush on for years rejecting me two years ago. Haha pathetic right? 23 years old and living the dream Just a rant",Depression +8908,"I have never been depressed really, I have always lived my life carefree without much thought. But for the past year I have gotten thoughts of suicide. Mainly because my life is so fucking bland and boring. The most exiting thing that happens in my life is playing video games, my life is really dumb tbh. If I was not a minor I would have already killed myself, because I want to shoot myself rather then hanging or any other method (The quickest way.) Plus I do not have any thing to hang myself with. So I most likely will not kill myself until I can get a gun (Probably 18.) Has anyone else felt like there life does not mean munch like this? When I think about my future I know I will just work some crappy job because I cannot go to college. Thinking about what my future holds is what really makes me want to kill myself. This compared to the other stories on here might sound dumb but idk, if I had a gun I would already be dead tbh. there is more then this but it is pretty boring and I'mm kind of lazy so eh I just do not know anymore",Suicidal +8909,"i feel like I am destined to end my own life. I am not going to anytime soon, but i just feel like a few years down the line, ill have to do it. I am so fucking irresponsible and childish that it only makes sense to check in early. maybe ill kms when I am in college so my roommate can get a 4.0. And i do not get the whole ""people will miss you"" shtick. None of that shit'll matter if I am too busy being dead to care. Destined to die young",Depression +8910,"For the past 5 years I have encountered multiple near death experiences because of my undiagnosed mental health problems. I have tried talking to my parents but they brush it off by telling me I do not deserve to feel sad because there would not be any reason to. I completely understand about what they mean, but I cannot seem to find any happiness in anything I do despite years of trying. The voices in my head tell me I am a piece of shit that should go die, but I am scared of what killing myself would do to my family. I wish I could get at least a diagnoses of my mental state, but the money I have saved cannot cover the sessions. And I do not want to trouble my family by asking them for money. do not know when I might ""accidentally"" kill myself but I am looking to get professional help (problem is I cannot afford it)",Suicidal +8911,I feel so empty and suicidal thoughts are flooding my brain but i cannot even cry about it because I am in a hotel with my siblings. Life seems so pointless. I am dying,Suicidal +8912,"I was just accused of hitting my dog by my brother i did not i went to move his collar around to hook him to his leash to take him out after he pissed in the bathroom again and he yelped . I was just called an asshole, a fucking retard, a piece of shit , a liar a waste of space, worthless fucking liar a fucking sped he just screamed it all in my face. I did not hit him but my brother was ready to hit me because the dog yelped. I am already in a bad state of mind and now I am contemplating making a permanent exit from this shitty world i turn 29 tomorrow .Why does everyone assume the worst of me? Am i really an evil person? I really feel that my brother and the rest of my extended family would be genuinely happy if i was gone. I have always been the outcast even in my family, i do not know what to do anymore. I have nobody to talk to and nobody i can ask for help.I did not hit the dog he would not have followed me to my room and laid on my bed if i had. But I am still going to be the evil horrible rotten person that cannot do anything right and deserves nothing but being a punching bag for everyone.Maybe that should be my birthday gift to myself. a permanent way out of this life that just seems to get worse every day. I wonder if it hurts",Suicidal +8913,TW: SELF HARMI hate myself to the point of hurting myself. Every time I look at myself I want to hurt myself. All I do is work and go to school. I try so hard yet I still cannot be worth anything. No one likes me. I am paranoid that everyone hates me. I want die at this point Id rather die than go to work in the morning. I have no emotions at all. I just want to go punch the wall till my knuckles bleed. I want to burn my skin with a torch till it turns white. Idc I deserve it. I am so tired.,Suicidal +8914,"I talk about my interests in liking Rocko's Modern Life and being a furry, and posting art. People used to love looking at my art and sometimes I would get ""friends out of it"" but they would all just ignore me anyways after a week or two. And when talking about my interests no one cares and just talks about what they do and never ask what other things I like doing or if there is other things I do other than what I post on the internet. People around me do not even acknowledge me that much I til I mention I am upset. If they cared then they would not have to come in repair mode every fucking goddamn time. Instead I am stuck besides myself and my hobbies and I do not even really like the things I like anymore that much, so my mind wanders off to suicidal thoughts and wondering how life would be better without me at all in the picture. not even my boyfriend seems to acknowledge the pain I feel half of the time, and he knows I would drop anything I am doing and do anything for him. Like whatever I guess, I cannot talk about my pain without them adding it on with their own damn pain in the mix. Overall most of the time now I am a very nasty and overall more easily irritable now. I just cannot stop thinking of suicide now and how much better it is that I would be out of here than live in total misery.. No one pays mind to me until I start shit..",Suicidal +8915,"Hi, so I have just been thinking about so much lately. Today, I was even called fake and insulted for my disabilities and disorders and I am just so tired of everything. It feels like no one loves me and I feel like everyone ignores me. I barely talk to anyone all day since I am nonverbal and cannot speak a lot of the time, and I feel so bad. I feel like I am just not meant for this world nor society since I struggle to fit in so much without being ridiculed for who I am. I am just so done with everything in general. I cannot live anymore",Suicidal +8916,"f18. I do not know how long this is been going on for because I do not reminder but its getting hard to do things again.My parents left the house for me for three or so weeks and I took care of the house for a really long time and now its just not getting picked up again its not nasty, moldy, bugs or anything but it should be cleaner than this. Its mainly just dishes not being put up from the dishwasher the laundry is not done the beds are not made up, etc.I used to be taking showers every day right now its almost every other day again or just days with my boyfriend and I hang out or he comes over here. I ran a full tub of water for a bath and I almost got in but at the last minute I decided to put clothes back on and just go in bed and drain the tub out and we have a huge tub because its in the master bedroom and it was a waste of water and it makes me feel bad.I have not really gone out and done anything recently. I went shopping a while ago with my boyfriend and then within these past few days we went to the gym one time but I only walked on the treadmill for about less than a mile and I did some weights it was a lot less than I used to do. Then later that night he picked me up again and we got gas in town and I did not even get to get dressed I just left with what I had on which ones just a shirt, Nike shorts, and slip on shoes not even a bra even though I always put them on.I have not really been eating when I normally should I would eat a long time after I woke up and then not again until around midnight. I have been sleeping a lot mostly in an accident and its to the point where my boyfriend has been saying are you sure you are not having narcolepsy but I know I do not its just tiredness.My boyfriend and I have plans to go out next Friday and I am having a hard time getting motivated for that even though it will seem like a fun time and we also have to move in together at the same day same time and were planning to stay the night and burn around the city for two days to get used to it and I am having a hard time getting motivated for her to even though it sounds like fun with him.I am going to college in less than a month and I already made a post about how I feel like I do not fit in and the comments are really kind and considerate really make me feel any different besides a tad bit I am glad other people feel the same as me somewhat. I cannot even explain why I do not fit in. Its beginning to be hard to find motivation again",Depression +8917,"Dear fellow redditors,I decided to make a burner account because on the off chance that someone I know reads this they will not know its me. For a little perspective on myself I am 24 years old and have been depressed since I was 13-14. My depression has gotten bad to the point where the things I use to love such as playing music, writing movie scripts, and reading books are no longer an enjoyment of mine but instead a nuisance/annoyance. Last year I was rejected from film school, all my friends are either engaged, have good jobs or both. The one women that I have loved, who I still consider a friend,is now engaged to her fianc who is significantly better looking and more charming than myself. I on the other hand am still sleeping on my dads couch watching Simpsons re-runs day in and day out. I live in a world where everyone around me is happy while I continue to be miserable. I see no better option to eventually kill myself at some point down the road. Id tried therapy but that has not worked, I search inside of myself to find a reason and always come up empty. I have a worthless degree, a job I hate and no one who would flinch if I died tomorrow. The only thing keeping me alive is my dad. that is it. Eventually I will die from a suicide.I have accomplished nothing in life. I am as close to 18 as I am to 30 and have nothing to show for it. I am alone. To close I want to quote one of my favorite characters Randy the ram Robinson now I am an broken down piece of meat and I deserve to be aloneSincerely Anonymous I am going to eventually",Suicidal +8918,I just want to die.No questions asked.I just want to die and take 5 minutes for the whole thing . where is that reaper.,Depression +8919,"I am a disappointment to my parents, my sister refuses to talk to me, my friends do not care about me, and I burden my boyfriend with my trauma dumping. I am feeling hopeless about my future. i do not want to commit suicide because i do not have it in me to do it. i would not want to hurt the people around me (although somehow i feel like they would be better off without me anyway). feeling hopeless",Suicidal +8920,I am serious I am 22 and I am the worst person in my family there are six people in my direct family and I am the worst I am ugly and awkward and honestly I think its because I was born a month early. I struggle with depression and social anxiety and my parents should not have to deal with that I would have been better off as an abortion I should have been an abortion,Suicidal +8921,I have just broken up (for the second time) with my boyfriend by message and i feel like shit bc i failed again in loving him. i hate being responsible for others feelings. is it ok to follow your heart even when it beats for another person and hurt someone elses ? i hate relationships and i wish I have never been into one,Suicidal +8922,"I am really scared I am going to do something to myself. i cut a lot and i have pills but i cannot tell anyone, i do not know what to do, i really cannot live anymore I am really suicidal",Suicidal +8923,"So many events in the past, that should have no long lasting effect on me always pop out from nowhere. Just past traumas like screwing up my first semester for college or leaving some very close friends by resigning from a job to improve my grades in college. It hurts so bad and recently it has been worse than usual. I am really considering getting a prescription for antidepressants but I have heard that withdrawals are like 5x worse than the lowest low. I am taking psychology in college so I feel like I should have better control over my emotions but I am almost at my breaking point right now.I am in this depressive state where I just do not know what I am doing with my life and I have a need to compare myself to others worse off in some way just to make myself feel better which is an asshole thing to do, but it is hard to help it sometimes. what are some coping strategies that I could use to not feel like piss every moment I am awake? Life is being held back by past traumas",Depression +8924,"i just want a hug.the only person I have ever fallen in love with hates me, makes fun of me, yells at me and ignores me when i try to express how i feel. my sister ignores me and only texts me when she needs something from me. my mother tries to convince herself that she is proud of me but she is truly disappointed in who i am and is not very good at hiding it. I like art and music but I am painfully bad at both. I look forward to nothing. I am financially well off and feeling this way while being so privileged just makes me feel like such a waste of space. a waste of protons, brain waves, oxygen, food, water, money. I am a parasite. if I write a will stating that i need my money to go to several orgs and then off myself, would that work? Or should i send all of it off first? Idk how much longer i can wait.6 months ago I felt good and like i had grown from my first attempt. I have drive to go back to school and to make friends and be happy. Looking back I feel like that version of me was like paper, so unstable and so unaware of how simple minded i was. Then I met someone and fell in love. I have never wanted to marry someone and spend my life with someone before. and he hates me. he makes me hurt on purpose and yells at me to overwhelm me. he talks down to me and asks me why things are so hard for me to understand. but I am really starting to think its just my fault. I kind of deserve it. No one else would deserve it, but I do. I am autistic, so maybe i am just really stupid. maybe i provoke him every time without realizing or trying. maybe I am just especially annoying and awful to be around. I feel like I do not belong anywhere. Nobody wants me. I do not have any friends because i stopped texting them back. I do not have the energy to make new friends. I rarely go outside because I feel like I am in everyone is way. I miss my dogs. I just want a hug. I am so beyond tired and I have been looking for ways to do it but i cannot figure out what to do. I do not want to scar anyone or hurt anyone. I just want to go away and disappear. I was never meant to be on this planet in the first place. I was curious about how to get to the roof of a really tall building in the city closest to me, but maybe i would just be arrested for trespassing if i tried to split off from a tour and find my way up there? i want my mind to stop working and to end the stream of my consciousness and knowledge of my own personality and existence as soon as possible. i am truly alone and undeserving",Suicidal +8925,"Its not easy wearing a mask all the time. Sometimes I carry it well, other times I cannot even find the strength to put it on. Everything is fine as long as I wear it but the minute it starts to slip I am no fun to be around, I cannot even open up about the way I truly feel because nobody really understands. I do not enjoy doing anything. Literally. I am just on autopilot, in a constant state of numbness. Its like I am just a ball and chain for my wife to carry around. Of course she is tired of it, who would not be. She does not understand the constant pain I am in. She does not understand that she is the only reason I am even keeping on going. Opening up to her just causes her pain because I know she just wants me to be happy with her. The thing is though, I would not be anywhere as happy as I am now without her. she is my world. I just do not know what to do. I feel guilty for her having to be around me like this. I feel like I have to wear a mask all the time",Depression +8926,"I do not care about stuff like family will miss you, going to miss out, going to regret it, or so much to live for. I genuinely do not care for any of those things. What position of the gun is best for hitting the brain stem",Suicidal +8927,"title says it all. I am not like actively suicidal of anything but I am kind of tired of never being interested anything. I also dislike the idea of having to work my ass off just to survive when I do not even enjoy being here. Id like to try a new place. I do not believe in afterlife, but even if there was a place where Id go after I die, it cannot be any worse than this can it? I am tired of here and Id like to try a new place",Suicidal +8928,"I think I am going to kill myself tonightI've been living with mental issues since about middle school. Mainly, being depressed and having a lot of issues with who I am/how I look. The only time that I started accepting myself was when I was in a relationship and had someone there to remind me that at least they thought I was attractive, and that was all that mattered. However, my insecurities eventually got the best of me and I became toxic and jealous, which led to the end of the relationship several months ago.I deserved that, and she deserved better. I know that I hurt her a lot, and I have trouble living with that. It also reduces my self image further, to where I have trouble living with myself in general. I think I was incredibly lucky to have been in a relationship with someone like that, and I do not think it will happen again. I do not want it to happen again, because I know it would end the same way. I have been in therapy and help groups since the break up trying to deal with myself and be a better person, but I have not noticed any improvement.I think at this point I am just a burden and holding the people around me back. I am always bringing up my issues and wanting to deal with them, but it is just at a point now where no one wants to see me anymore because of that. I am also scared of them seeing that toxic part of me that I am having trouble changing and leaving me.I feel bad that people will be hurt by this, but I hope that they will be able to move on quickly. Someone always loses in a fight",Suicidal +8929,I struggle with thoughts of suicide frequently and there are very few things that keep me going. I already posted about what I can do to help her on other subs so please do not take this as me only being concerned with myself please please. I just do not know what Ill do if she goes through with it. The woman I love might commit suicide and she is one of the only things that keeps me hanging onto life,Suicidal +8930,"I am sick of feeling this shit. I do not need people to keep telling me how to fix my problems, advocating happiness, you will get through this. I am not a kid who needs to be consoled. We all know the realities of life. it is going to be shit and some things will get better but we will have bad career days, bad relationships, bad health, bad finances, things will go wrong. And there is already enough wrong. The road to get to even stable is insurmountable and then to happiness on top of that.. imagining that that is possible or could possibly be worth the struggle is just ridiculous.. I want to die. I live such a passive life, I have no ambition to live, have a career, marry or have children. I studied, I graduated, I had relationships, I shopped, I had friends, I traveled.. I am done, there is nothing I want to do and there is so much pain and all I can think to make me happy is to die and no one will ever understand that this is not a cry for help it is just me reaching my end before society tells us we are supposed to. I am fine with dying, I am not scared or impulsive or immature. I just have nothing left to give and nothing to take from the world anymore. I want to stop. I just do not want to do it anymore",Suicidal +8931,"I just cannot take it I been pushed around mental health services being lied to and having my rights violated that certain actions were performed,When they have not such as being told I went to a and e because I liked the attention also not having after care when I was Discharge from cahms, having to wait 4 months before even referred, to the adult team, and having to wait 3 more months to wait.And being told after a particularly bad episode by the acute mental health team that I should just stop drinking, then I was told that a consultant psychiatrist would decide whether I should sectioned but never heard back Then I was just dumped with more medication, and having to be visited by the crisis team that I should just distract myself and just expected until to wait for threapy If I could anything without consequences I would fucking kill every single one of them condescending bustards, for not giving me proper mental health care and expected to be cool with it The layer stopping me from killing myself is pain, cannot stand being pushed around at different parts of the nhs and expected to be ok and deal with it",Suicidal +8932,"I am a 17(f) Lately I have been feeling more and more depressed, I look back at my old self and how I used to be when I was younger. I used to be filled with life and always hang out with friends I had a good relationship with my family I would say that that was probably the best part of my life so far sadly:/I cannot even look at myself in the mirror I always avoid mirrors because I hate myself.Coming from a mexican household my mother does not believe in mental health problems. She always says ""you have food, clothes, and a roof over your head! Why are you sad? You should be grateful for all the things you have.""My parents are divorced, I have 3 siblings but the oldest left to live on their own. My oldest brother had a huge argument with my mom and they have not spoken/seen each other for four years. I also have a 2nd oldest brother who has Autism, he is also mute and he pretty much needs help with everything. he is pretty calm and does not look like he has special needs, but he makes noises which annoys me and I feel bad for being embarrassed/annoyed with him. Right now I am living in an apartment with my mother and Autistic brother. My mom has to work 24/7 so that means that I have to look after my brother which feels like a full time job. I can never go out without bringing him along because I cannot leave him alone I am already embarrassed by him so I cannot even go out. I feel like even if I wanted to move out I could not because I have no money and I have no opportunity to go and make money for myself. My father is also pretty absent in my life:/I also have no friends because my best friend of 8 years and my friend group decides to exclude me out. I was bullied by them my sophomore year.I feel like I am stuck, everyday is the same. I do not see a reason that I should keep waking up everyday. I am not pretty or skinny so that does not help either. I just want to pause my life and breathe and to go be able to do the things I want to do but I cannot. I imagine that I will be my brother's guardian once my mom passes away. she is healthy now but I do not want to be responsible for him but I do at the same time because I feel bad. Idk I do not feel so bad anymore now that I typed out my feelings Stuck",Depression +8933,"You cannot break facts. My life is going to be a mess and I see it. I am afraid of it. Combined with all the other things my life fucked. Socially, my personality is weird. The chance of getting ignored is high. I am afraid of it. I really hate it when I indicate that I am suicidal and everyone takes it as a joke or just ignores it. I tried again and again. Nah. Cut people off and no active social interaction at all. it is much better than saying ""I am not okay"" and getting ignored. I do not have any feelings. All are gone. I cannot even feel that I am alive. Self harm is the way to feel something. I have no reason to keep going and I just want to die as soon I can. My existence is worthless. Accepting death rather than living",Suicidal +8934,Why have I been unemployed for 1.5 years? Why am I 22 and living with my parents and barely able to do anything?I should have killed myself a long time ago. The only thing I am good at is music. I just wish I was someone else What is wrong with me,Depression +8935,I tried my best to leaveThis all on your machineBut the persistent beatIt sounded thin upon the sendingAnd that frankly will not flyYou'll hear the shrillest highsAnd lowest lows with the windows downAnd this is guiding you home,Suicidal +8936,"My friends just disowned me for something I thought was minor (Ill elaborate in edit when I am ready) they were my only real friends and now I only have my sport to keep me motivated to live. I am losing hope, how can I move on? I am depressed",Suicidal +8937,What can I say!!! I am happy you messaged me but I do still miss you and have crazy dreams about you I am home,Depression +8938,"2 days ago I was lying on my floor, crying my eyes out, wanting nothing more than to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Right now I am sitting here, drinking a cup of coffee, eating a donut with my dogs asleep by my side, listening to some tunes, not a care in the world. Why cannot every day be like this? What makes today different? I am having a good day.",Depression +8939,"I am lost, adrift, with no hope of rescue and no hope that the future is going to be less terrible. The only reason I have not put my shotgun barrel into my mouth is because I have a wife and kids who are depending on me. Antidepressant medication is just barely doing anything, and I have not had luck with therapy. I am out of options but to continue on this dead-end path to nowhere. The world is headed down a spiral to mass death and doom, and nobody cares to stop it. Everything is hopeless and it does not matter. I deserve to suffer because I am a member of this accursed species. I fantasize about killing myself every day",Depression +8940,"Hi, I am new to Reddit and this is my first vent post, so this might be a little long and all over the place. I just wanted to rant about some things I have been feeling lately. Any nice comments would be appreciated. I am a sophomore in college and a student athlete, my sport being swimming. My first year was the worst I have ever performed and I am scared that Ill never amount to anything. I feel like I am steadily declining and losing the only thing I have been successful at my whole life. I used to be really great at what I do and really respected, and now I am fucking pathetic. All of my efforts each day do not do shit and I have not improved or made any progress at all. If I cannot do well at something I literally dedicate my entire life to, all that tells me is that Ill never be good at anything and Ill just be mediocre my whole life. Nothing special. A worthless, pathetic loser. I just want to die, but I know Id never actually have the guts to kill myself. It feels like suicidal thoughts are always in my head though. I have tried hurting myself recently but I was too afraid to go any further. I am so obsessed with my weight and I cannot look in the mirror without wanting to rip myself apart. I fucking hate myself. So much shit is going on in my head that I cannot even begin to try and deal with it, so I spend most of my time laying in bed consuming 5 different forms of media at the same time so I do not have any time to think. there is so much going on and so much I feel is wrong with me but I do not really know what it is. I am diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I feel like the shit I deal with is more than that. But my whole life my parents would always tell me that I overreact about everything and that I just needed to toughen up and be a big girl. I cannot even trust myself and my own feelings anymore. I do not understand anything and I am so tired of my mind being like this. I do not know what to do or how to help myself anymore. I just want to give up. I feel stuck in this deep hole and have no hope of getting myself out of it.",Depression +8941,Mine is just I am a bit too scared to go through with it rn what is the thing that is stopping you from committing suicide?,Suicidal +8942,"Hello. I have read alot of people on here(suicide and depression groups) who actually encourage suicide and that is never okay. I am not wanting people who can relate to these feelings but rather hoping someone who is online is an advocate or something who can give me hope. I am in a very bad/dark mindset and I am contemplating suicide. I have been for over a month but tonight I am truly having the mindset to go forth. I have a legit(to **ME**) reason as to why I am contemplating. I do not want to go into details on here as I got hate earlier for reaching out with my reasoning. I was told I was pathetic and ridiculous for wanting to end my life over said reason and was told to get over it and move on when I strictly asked for that not to do be mentioned.The suicide hotline is not cutting it... it makes me uncomfortable. I want to be able to talk about my issues but I cannot as I have no one. The one person I did have.... is gone and now I am like this... Alone and contemplating ending it all.(get help seek a doctor seek meds move on get over it quit relying on someone else for happiness time heals etc) are all things I do not need to hear. They make matters worse. they are cliche and there is a reason why therapists avoid using those.One, I am seeking help on here. Two, I reached out to a new therapist. Three, I do not like meds. Four, I cannot move on or get over my situation. Five, I do not rely on someone else for happiness they just so happened to be the only shred of happiness I had in life. Six, time does not heal. Sometimes time will because things to fade to a certain extent... but it is not that way for EVERYONE. If time healed and people got over everything(cliche) this group would not exist. Suicide would not exist. So to be as short as I can. I am going through the biggest/worst event of my life. I am alone. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I have no one and I mean that. Family told me to ""either kill yourself or shut the hell up I am tired of hearing crying and about you being sad."" I do not get out of my house much. I am an introvert with super bad IBS who is scared of everything... literally. So no I do not have any friends. I *had* one true person in life. Anyways, I have gone through death. Watched some of the closest people to me die awful death's. The worst being a death brought on by cancer. Watched her deteriorate after the diagnosis-radiation and chemo, and within a year of diagnosis she died in hospice. Last moments with her she was not there. She was so doped up on pain meds she could not talk and did not know who we were. And STILL this pain I am facing now as awful as that sounds.... does not even begin to amount to this pain I am feeling now. I am wanting to end my life. I can end my life so easily right now but a small piece of me wants to hang on or I would not be on here. Sure it is sad and pathetic I am on here for help but it is HERE FOR A REASON because some people still care about others in life even if it is strangers. Is there a safe video chat or some kind of chat(not suicide hotline-convos too short) that does not have a time limit? If not, I just need hope. I need to hear that there is always hope. I know you do not know what my situation is or why I am asking for hope, but if it is true, my situation does not matter. There IS hope. I need just a small amount. Just a tad so I can NOT go over the edge. I want to talk about why I am feeling this way SO BAD but I know I will get hate... even if it is one person out of 10 or so. Someone is going to give me hate and make me feel more like shit or they are going to say the one thing's I have said I cannot bare to hear anymore. Please... anyone? Hope. I am alone and broken... Is there anyone who is an advocate online? Actively feeling suicidal",Suicidal +8943,"So I have been feeling this way for, well ages. After a few life changing moments a few years ago I suddenly actually want to stay. A few things kind of magically fell into place for me which made life not seem so bad. do not get me wrong. I absolutely still have those heavy dark days that feel like it will never pass. I am fighting my best fight but I have recently noticed I am slipping back into old habits. For example, I have that nagging feeling that I am just not good enough unless I work myself to the bone, even picking up a second job in the process, and if I do not then I am worthless and not worthy of love. I have resorted to needing sleep aids to have a regular sleep schedule just to be able to keep myself functioning to work 12 hour days 6 days a week. A lot to unpack there but I am kind of ignoring it for now. Today was an ok day, but a coworker who came in for shift change complained loudly and angrily to another coworker near me about how poorly closing was the night before. Small things like securing lids on produce and closing bread bags were missed. I closed last night and of course it was a bad night for me where everything is a blur and my memory is shot so then I began to list off in my head what I did and what I must have forgotten. I became even more upset upon hearing them complain about seeing me and other closers off the clock relaxing at the bar (I work at a tavern) and how no one should have clocked out without a proper walk through. It just so happened to be my birthday which my coworkers found out about and I stayed for a single drink out of feeling obligated to celebrate and I NEVER stay after for a drink because I feel so uncomfortable in social situations. I was close to tears as I hurried to finish up and clock out this afternoon. Am I taking his outburst as validation for how awful I already feel about myself or was my reaction appropriate? Me forgetting something at closing when I am normally very diligent about completing tasks correctly is horrifying for me and now I never want to clock out early again even though my manager let me leave early last night. I just need a little help navigating this situation and how to handle it when my boss confronts me about it next time I clock in, which they definitely will because the complaining coworker has lead to confrontations with my boss in the past. I want to never have to clock in again. I am terrified. Need help navigating uncertainty",Depression +8944,"Severe anxiety/possible depression for years now. I cannot do anything. I feel like I have lost my ability to be human. Ill try anything to see if it helps me at this point. So, what about CBD? Have you guys tried it? Do I just go to a store and buy it or do I need to go to a doctor for prescription? Thanks CBD products info?",Depression +8945,"It makes me laugh, in a half-shocked-half-depressed kind of way, that the common discourse around depression is still that it is an individual problem.For when the way that we live is so drastically different from how we evolved, it is not hard to see why our minds may create some friction. We live disconnected from anything meaningful: work, relationships, nature, but above all, meaning itself. Anyone who refuses to accept that the meaning of life is to work for money and possessions is sick in the head, disturbed, mentally ill.Your body uses pain to tell you that your current situation is dangerously off. Then, is depression not your mind telling you that something needs to change? And if so, how sick is it to try to change the mind itself, to try to convince it that no, pain is actually fine, there is nothing wrong. Our minds are trying to tell us that we are not meant to live this way, that there IS something greater to experience in life than sleepwalking through every dull day, collecting our checks so that we can pretend to have fun for a few hours each weekend. Our minds are trying to get us outside, into nature, to find friends and do real, meaningful activities with them, to get away from all the stress, anger, and jealousy of the cities and return to how we were meant to live. A simple life, with meaningful work, meaningful goals, meaningful friendships, but above all, a way to find meaning in every action, to feel like there is a reason to live.There is something better. We do not have to live like this. We are not meant to live like this",Depression +8946,I am a student and work part-time. I am not able to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much due to lockdowns. My semester fees are due next week. If i cannot cover my fees i will not be allowed to write my exams.I am feeling hopeless.I have requested my college but they said nothing can be done to help. I do not know what to do.My life is just falling apart.I do not have anyone to ask help.Please help me if you can.I do not want to quit but i might have to.I wish i never existed.I wish this was not happening.Life is getting worse everyday. I wish this was not happening,Depression +8947,i csnt deal with this shit for the rest of my life there is no point i have to kill myself tonight i have pills my arm is bleeding i have no reason to keep going i cannot do it anymore,Suicidal +8948,"I feel as if I have no reason to live, my life is literally worthless. Nothing can change how I feel, sure I can distract myself for a few days by playing games but as soon as it gets dark shit always goes down. At least two of my siblings have OD before and I am surprised their alive because I know that one of them has not learnt. I feel so grey and sad. My brain feels like static. I spend so much time in my room, I do not eat enough, I do not go out enough and I know it but I do not change. I think I am masking it pretty well in front of others but what would they do if they found out? Idk. I have tried to kill myself before but I felt too numb to go through with it but now I feel as if someone just gave me a horrible day, and a night alone where my step sis is away and I would end it all. The only thing keeping me from doing it is the thought of my baby brother asking where I was. I just cannot handle it. I do not know how to feel or what to feel because I am used to looking at the person next to me and just mimicking them but I am alone. I will through up a peace sign as I look a myself in a mirror sobbing just so I can try to convince myself I am okay. I used to get told by one of my friends that I was fine and did not have anything wrong with me but here we are. I am so stupid. I will just hide my scars, not mention the years of my childhood of which I have suppressed, and just pretend. it is all I know how to do now ooof",Suicidal +8949,"that is all, I have decided that fighting day in and day out to be anything other than a total disappointment to myself is just not worth it. I am 39 years old, I have a stable job, a wife, and a kid. It seems like I should be happy. But I am not, all I have are regrets and loneliness. I had to give up everything that made me,me to have this wife. And then I had to give up my chance to rediscover myself when I had a kid. I love my daughter, with all my shriveled heart can. But I hate every single aspect of my life. I work too much because I have no choice. I have no time for me because my wife says I have responsibilities to always be available when she needs me. I gave up my friends, my hobbies, and all the things that made me smile because I did not want to loose her. Now she is all I have and i am miserable. I hate my job and spend all day every day thinking , god I just want this day to end. Then when I do have a day off she finds a way to make the entire day more work. And I spend my weekends just wishing they were over too. I have only the drive to not ruin my daughters life to keep me from driving my work truck off a bridge. I hope everyday that Ill fleet into a wreck or fall off a ladder just to finally be able to rest. Every spare thought I have is about all of the missed connections I have had and the insane shit I used to do . I look forward to nothing. I cannot find a single thing about my life that I do not hate, except my kid. I just decided tonight that I am going to give up on having any semblance of my self. I am pointless. I have decided to give up",Depression +8950,"I have not had energy to smile since i cannot remember when. I am sad. I am depressed and have no reason to get out of bed in the mornings other than my 2 girls. They are the only reasons I do anything. I am scared, I have dealt with depression my whole life but this feels different and scary and permanent and I am not so sure how to deal with it all. I have effectively cut all my friends out of my life. I have not responded to any texts from any friends other than kid related texts in months. I would never leave my house if i did not have to go to work or take my kids places. I do not even have enough feelings to cry anymore. But I do not even know how to be honest with my therapist bc I am too scared of outside humans realizing I do not have my life together. How do I even start. I have not shared my feelings honestly for so many decades the ability has atrophied. How do I even begin to be honest? I get so scared that I worry that I am either making up how I feel or maybe how I feel is what I think I am supposed to feel or what I know I am supposed to say to check off the boxes of being okay. I do not even recognize my own truth. How in the world am I supposed to fix this? I do not even know how to recognize my own truth",Depression +8951,"I have been having symptoms of depression for the past 3 years . They have fluctuated in their severity . Despite all of this , the furthest I have gone to is a counsellor. Recently I think I am just sick of being sad and low , I want to feel happy again .I have an appointment lined up with a psychologist in September .As i sit here , sleepless and restless like every other night for the past 6 years I cannot wait for that day . Finding an answer to my lifes burden will be the happiest day of my life . Having a diagnosis will also allow me to treat my symptoms too . I look forward to it . I cannot wait to be confident I cannot wait to be understood I cannot wait to be able to sleep I cannot wait to be happy I cannot wait to love againI cannot wait to be able to raise the bar of my moodIt is very late here so apologies for my rambling , I have always wanted to tell somebody how much I look forward to finally getting an official diagnosis and cure to this misery . Thank you to all those who read , and hope this can resonate with you in some way. A day I look forward to",Depression +8952,"it is frustrating, I think some of us are just not meant to make it. it is as simple as that I will not and i know it. some of us do not end up happy , do not get a happy ending. just an ending which we have to make. it is hard and it is shitty but this is it. I am just done. we are FUCKED.",Suicidal +8953,"So the problem with me is that I have plans for everything I am pretty mature for my age (not telling my age). I have plans for everything the place where I lack is executing it. It happens everytime with me. This is the reason I am ""depressed"". I know that ""depressed"" is not the correct word cuz I know that the pain of other people is way more than me. But it is ruining me. Can you guys help me. Thanks in advance. An unusual problem for an unusual guy......",Depression +8954,"The Affect, Suicide, Self-Injury, and Social Triggers (ASSIST) Lab at the University of Notre Dame is looking for individuals interested in participating in research. This study examines how daily social or interpersonal experiences influence ones thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Participation in this study will consist of completing an online survey. After this, participants will be asked to complete a brief survey 4 times per day, for 30 days using a mobile application. In addition, participants will be asked to share a screenshot of their mobile phone usage. The compensation for participating in this research will be $100. If you still want to participate in this study, we ask you to complete the online screener using the link below. **If you are interested in the study, but previously completed our screener and were deemed ineligible, we ask that you please complete the screener again. We have modified the study inclusion criteria, so your eligibility may have changed.**[ you qualify for the study, a member from our team will reach out to you. If you have any question regarding our study, please do not hesitate to email us at [assist@nd.edu](mailto:assist@nd.edu). Thank you! Recruiting Research Participants",Suicidal +8955,If I could take a pills or an IV of Fentanyl. Id say my goodbyes and go. My heart is forever broken . I want to join them . If only,Suicidal +8956,"I apologize in advance for any spelling mistakes and other errors i will probably make.Well the post title is just that, living is fun and all sometimes but i just cannot handle it anymore. No matter what i try, i either end up hurting myself more in the progress or failing miserably from the beginning.I applied for roughly 30 jobs in the last two months and almost got rejected from everyone because i had a burnout in my senior year due to my teacher and my sister moving out. And the ones where I actually managed to get an interview quickly shut me down because i got self harm scars from when i was younger.And ofc the only way i know how to get rid of this shit is either SH or drowning out my sorrows in videogames and just pretending it did never happen.But that is not the part that makes me not be alive anymore, i got an emotionally abusive mother and an physical abbusive father, the occasional kick or punch i can deal with, but it my mother who really hurts me. Every single time something is missing in the house, Dosent matter what it is. I get accused of taking it, eating it, or having it last and thus loosing it. Followed up by a verbal assault of what a disappointment i am, how useless i am and how she sometimes wishes she would have aborted me.I often considered running away atleast to a friend or atleast the unemployment office to get away from here. But the last time i brought up living with a friend for a month she ran into my parents room threatening to kill herself if i moved away.In the last couple of weeks it has been extra rough for me idk why, but i just cannot seem to let go of the past. Like rn i just lay in bed trying to fall asleep but just cannot and keep doing stuff to drown out the memories of my best friend simply using me to get closer to crush to date her and then botch ditching me.Another friend of mine just using me for money because she knew i needed someone and that i would buy her things just to not leave me alone again.Seeing my best friend since middle school slowly getting addicted to drugs until he killed himself.My first gf cheating on me and even afterwards telling me how good it felt.And tbh the thing that hurts the most is Hannah, she was a friend of my GF and me at the time, and when shit hit the fan she was there for me, i cried so fucking much during that time and she was there for me, i tried to be the best friend i could at that time cheering her up even though I was fucked myself. But apparently i did not do good enough of a job""It would be better for all of us if you finally killed yourself"" That still sticks with me today, i think about it every single time i get closer to someone, every time i talk to a friend. That maybe they all think so and she was right, that i should stop beeing such a pussy and finally kill myself.Its funny that i kept this to almost last tbh, maybe its because i do not really want to talk about it, or because it happened at such a young age that is its practicaly a part of me at this point, when i was i think 8 or 9 I was sexually assaulted by an older classmate i think 11 or 12 I am sorry for the numbers.At first it Started out as playing, then someday he just undressed and acted like nothing was wrong, and suggested we play doctors and such idk what is he called it I am sorry. Idk it just kind of happened and then stopped someday when he switched schools. I cannot have a bodily relationship with anyone, if someone hugs me without asking and telling me beforehand i get panic attacks, when i layed in bed once with a friend of mine i had to get up because i just could not stay next to bed in ber and feel scared.I just do not want to live with all this fucking baggage anymore, every single day seems to get worse and worse. And there is nothing i can do about it.I am sorry if you read this, you should not have but i just needed somewhere to write this downI just do not want all this fucking baggage Sometimes i just do not want to live anymore, or atleast not as myself.",Depression +8957,I do not want to deal with life anymore. I just want to go to sleep and come back in a few months. I really just need a break and I am so exhausted from everything. I hate everything and I cannot stop,Suicidal +8958,it is been so hard to motivate myself to do anything recently. I am moving out of my home tomorrow yet tonight I have not even started packing. I hate how I just stay on the couch all day. I am moving tomorrow but I have not even packed anything yet.,Depression +8959,"I was given emergency surgery to repair testicular torsion back in 2017 and to this day I believe the surgery was botched in some way. I get frequent spells of extreme testicular pain that resonates throughout my lower abdomen. Not a minor annoyance either, pain so bad I sometimes have to go to the ER because I have reason to believe it is another torsion. Tonight makes the fifth trip to the ER with nothing wrong and no treatment given, along with several urologists throughout the years. Now, I am trans and am interested in an orchiectomy for both medical reasons and dysphoria. However, I still do not know *for sure* if my testicles are the issue. I have seen several hypotheses given through the years, ranging from bladder infections to just really, really bad cases of ""blue balls."" If my orchiectomy happens (my consultation is in early-August) and this mysterious chronic pain persists, I have no choice but to eat buckshot. I cannot take it anymore and this surgery is my last hope. These periods of intense pain have cost me a job, they have cost me social opportunities, and they have cost my family a fortune in American medical bills. Because of this, I feel horrifically guilty for constantly needing to go to the ER and having no diagnosis or treatment to show for it. While they are very understanding and thoroughly supportive, I cannot shake the intrusive thought that they are annoyed and think I am just being a hypochondriac.As I write this, I am stoned off my ass. I use cannabis to cope because I do not know what else to do. I am not enjoying this high right now either, because I am still in a fair amount of pain. The ER sometimes sends me home with prescriptions for opiates, but I have seen what those do to people and refuse to let myself use them, because I know I will become physically, and eventually psychologically, addicted to them. I do not use alcohol to cope either because it is also incredibly dangerous to rely on for chronic pain relief. I am 100% banking on this surgery. If this inexplicable pain returns post-recovery, I am not sure I will be able to take it any longer. If I were a cis man, I would have probably killed myself after three years of this. My orchiectomy is my last chance to live a pain-free life.",Suicidal +8960,"I was heavily considering killing myself in December 2019, and honestly, the idea was never completely out of my head prior to that either. I wish I did. I wish every single day that I did.Things were finally getting better and I had just received a handful of amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunities the week before the pandemic officially started a you.S. lockdown. I had one week. Just one week that I did not think about dying every single morning and every single night.Everything has been hell. I lost my apartment and had to move home because the person I moved in with went absolutely insane and had a total breakdown and started aggressively forcing me to live by her conspiracy theory rules. (Covid is spread via the sidewalk, covid is spread via open windows in the air two stories up, the windows needed to be boarded up, never once leaving the apartment in a year, etc.)Covid is a completely different experience for those who have significant others and a stable living situation. I had neither. I tried so hard to go on dating sites so I would not be completely alone. But people would lovebomb me and then when I was invested they would start being abusive and degrading and cruel. I gave up.It feels like women genuinely do not care about anything other than their boyfriends no matter how progressive or new age they are. All of my female friends revolved their entire lives around their boyfriends since the pandemic started, and honestly before that too.I hate being home. I despise it. But I social distanced as much as possible. I was guilted or shamed by people for going out, and guilted and shamed by people for staying in. It felt like all my female friends would always justify that they constantly visited their boyfriends, or spent all their time with their boyfriends. But if I ever saw a friend once a month, it was frowned upon.Why? Why is it so taboo and wrong for me to be social just because it was not with someone who I was fucking.My friends all made me realize that it is impossible to ever get structure unless I somehow manage to find a significant other. But I have tried so hard to date and almost every time has been a traumatic experience.I am so jealous of them. I hate them. I do not want to hate my friends. But I feel so angry. I feel so misunderstood. Absolutely NONE of the people who judged me would ever go through what I went through.I moved back home with my parents from a huge city to a town with 800 people. My parents, I love very much but they are both abusive. I did not have a choice. I had to leave my apartment because my roommate had stopped working and paying rent. I would have had to pay the entire 2 bedroom rent if I stayed.I feel like a burden. I wish I had just died. there is no place for me in this world. I have not been happy in two years. I lost everything. I will never have a life that is rewarded in a pandemic. I am not meant to be happy &#x200B;&#x200B;I will only ever destroy my life and I do not deserve happiness I wish I killed myself before the pandemic",Suicidal +8961,Just add her to the list My therapist gave up on me.,Suicidal +8962,i plan to drown myself today I am doing it today,Suicidal +8963,The title says it all really. My Sister just said Ill be a worthless piece of shit for the rest of my life all because I do not have a girlfriend,Depression +8964,"I am running critically low on fucks to give, not trying to be funny. I see more shit about the world burning around us every day. I work a shitty job, full of shitty people, every day. &#x200B;I am unsuccessful, fat, talentless, and unloveable. &#x200B;Even shit that I love is barely giving me reason to wake up anymore. My MIL just called and stirred up shit with my shitty family, but the gist of it is how shitty I am, and how poorly they raised me. And you know what? Maybe she is right.&#x200B;I am shitty, the world is ending, and I am a fat, unloveable piece of shit anyway. Why do I keep pressing on every day, like I matter, and that this torture is worth enduring day in and day out? I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +8965,"Mine is when my cat died. I still see the image of her sprawled out, barely alive on the floor. We were with her when she died. I cannot seem to shake it. It was so traumatic. Its burned into my brain. How about you? What is a traumatizing image burned into your mind?",Depression +8966,that is it. the lonely life when you cannot count and trust on anyone,Suicidal +8967,"its up closed in my closet door just high enough that my feet would not touch the floor. my favorite dress laid on my bed. I am sitting here looking at it look at my tear stained tired face in the mirror and i just want to slip my head through the end of it. its so tiny just there with nothing in it. but looking at my face i cannot imagine my mother waking up tomorrow, calling for me, charging into my room angry that i did not respond just to see me hanging here grey and lifeless. i do not know how to feel i do not know how my friends would even find out. i just do not want to do this anymore I am sitting here looking at this belt",Suicidal +8968,"Does anyone else want to go because they feel life is pointless? I do not care about the simple things life has to offer. I have seen how everything can be perfect than crumble down. I do not care about being strong or fighting adversity, I just want to be at peace. I live for myself and Id be happiest not being stressed. I may miss out on finding a great love, but at least I save myself from experiencing heartache. I just feel life is a sham, by design, and I do not enjoy playing the game. I am tired of it! Its not worth it",Suicidal +8969,I just do not want to live anymore i am a failure death,Suicidal +8970,"If I end up lying down in my bed for the majority of the day, sometimes I think about how small I am compared to space.There are billions and billions of galaxies. There are a whole heck of a lot of stars in space out there too.Compared to me, space is too large. So who cares about a tiny human like me? I have got a finite number of years to spend yet I am spending every waking moment not having enough energy to move.Strangely enough, the thought of things that matter much more than my life motivates me to move and do things sometimes. Nothing really matters, so why should not I get up for once? What helps me",Depression +8971,"Hi, My name is steven. I am 21 and my fiance and I have 5 kids, 1 when I was 18, twins when I was 19 and twins when I was 21. Well I am about to be 22, and my fiance just got a pregnancy test and she saw a faint line. I love my kids and my fiance so much. But I do not know if I can do it again. I am so exhausted and I am always so stressed and scared and when she told me the first thing I thought was at least they would get checks if I did it. I have manic bipolar and I have come to know the signs of when I am going to become manic and this is always the fist step and I am scared. I know its hard to believe and you might not believe me and just think I am doing this for attention but I do not know who to go to. We see the same therapist and I cannot talk to her because I do not want her to think I am not a good dad. I do not have freinds because I have a full time job and I am a full time father. I know I am dumb for having this many kids so early buts she has the iud and I have noone and I am so scared. So please just one person believe me so I have someone to talk to. Someone to talk to",Suicidal +8972,"I do not know anymore. I just cannot feel happy or anything good, I am always sad and I am constantly telling myself that I *should* be happy. I am doing the things that used to make me happy, but I just feel empty. And then this compared to some of the shit my friends go through, like my friend who is dad started another family whilst still being married to his mom, and he can persist, I, on the other hand, cannot persist after anything negative. And by anything negative it could literally be me listening to some of the music I like (a band I enjoy listening to has some very odd music and if I am feeling some way I can be sent into an episode of sort, ending in me either hurting myself or crying for hours on end, or having to lean on somebody, and that option has been completely scratched off so its only two ig). I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for quite some time, I just do not see the need to keep pointlessly wade through pain for a mediocre at best experience. I probably hurt myself maybe once or twice a month, usually just like cutting myself on the thigh. I honestly do not think Id be missed when/if I go. My parents want absolutely nothing to do with me, probably because I am a dead beat who cannot get shit done, and when it comes to graded I am like a B student. And then I have like two actual friends, one of which I can barely talk to because her parents strongly dislike me because I would always have to lean on her for support, and she was the only person who could help me while being willing to help me. But apparently I was putting too much pressure on her so I am only allowed to talk to her whenever her parents are around. And my other friend just does not understand what I go through. Anyways I am sorry for whoever read that and idk i do not think I am in direct threat to a suicide (I might like cut myself later though) and I am sorry for wasting your guys time. I just want help and I am sorry because Ill be no help to anyone trying to help me because I do not even know what is wrong, ig it comes back to probably my favorite lyric someone help me understand what is going on inside my mind. I am so y for being a bitch and do not feel obligated to help me, thanks if you try I do not know what to title this but I think I might need help",Suicidal +8973,"I am 18, soon 19 and,wondering why not save up some cash, and go to a obscure place to end it. Have one last blast before I go. Or in my case first,one day to live. Were I do it all the drugs I was to cowardice to try. Or perhaps do some street racing, maybe hunt down some bastards in my past, and ask theme why why were you such an asshole. Kill theme with kindness, but I digress. My whole life up to 18 was boring? wasted?. And know I am close to 19 trying to get into art. Well obviously I am awful, I could have started years earlier,been happy,Alas I feel this is the finale thing to push me. Ill never be happy doing anything else. Art is my passion yet I wasted 18 years gaming. Too little to late I guess. No fucking good artist started at 18. Even vangough drew when he was young, for some reason hes always an example of a late bloomer. I want to join the military, kill or be killed. I feel its were useless dregs like me belong. I take out my anger, and lack of self care on terrorist whatever that means, and maybe Ill die, but when I die Ill be a hero,instead of a coward. I think its for the best I am an disgusting creature. I wanted to be a artist be happy do paintings, write weird meta physical fantasy novels and sculpt my muses. But I am a fucking useless moron. I feel like life carved a path of destruction for me to follow, die in a bloody useless war. I hate my life, and honestly think Ill die at 20. 18 fucking years gone, and what do I have to show for it. You know I have fantasy of a world were I never lived this life. A life were I am not even human nor are my companions. I cannot quite explain it, but me and my fellow aliens are happy, and I had decent parents. I want to strip myself of my disgusting flesh. Inject myself with pain killers, and adrenaline. Then strip myself clean,of this disgusting curse. Finally I pull the trigger and die clean. Ill finally be happy with my people. Oh Ill be a wonder to theme, but will be one in another. 100 percent of my disgusting humane dna gone. Why should I not kill myself at 20?",Suicidal +8974,"How do I figure out if I deserve help. I mean mostly deserve a therapist's time to work with a patient. Do I deserve their time regardless of the money I pay them? I just have too many questions for them.Also does it sound illogical when I say that I do not want to take deep breaths and calm myself---because that means ignoring the anxiety, and treating it like something that is overreacting, that needs to be fixed. Treating the anxiety as wrong/not okay. I thought you should treat the anxiety as a friend and live with it. Not shush it from the conscience. Thanks. Do I deserve help",Depression +8975,"Thinking about how overly sexualized my gender is has begun to drive me insane. I am so upset all the time. Everywhere I look, women are being exploited and displayed as objects. Ads, movies, songs, books, LITERALLY fucking everything involving a woman is basing her worth on her looks and fuckability. Its making me so depressed and anxious and I am finding it hard to trust the men in my life. I know not all men see women as sex objects, but the subconscious conditioning is real. Every man I have ever been friends with had initially wanted a sexual or romantic relationship with me. I feel hopeless and disgusted and just ready to stop existing in such a gross world. I cannot seem to stop thinking about this. Please help me. Over sexualization of women",Depression +8976,Hi! I was wondering what you guys to to prevent or atleast make your panic attacks a bit milder. Because personally I have not really found anything that works for me. that is why I am reaching out to you guy in hopes of a few tips. Preventing panic attacks,Depression +8977,"I cannot kill myself otherwise my younger brother will most likely follow in my footsteps. Idk man, idk why I keep having depressive eoposides. it is like every time things start getting better, bad things happen.It sucks that there no one to help.I honestly think I am cursed. Like seriously. Me and my family. Anyways, do not worry. I will not be killing myself because I have other people to live for. But I am honestly upset that I am here rn, wanting to end my life again. I wish I did not exist right now.",Suicidal +8978,"Every day is PHYSICAL PAIN! I want that to be the primary reason here I suffer from constant numbness, tingling, burning sensations in my fingers and feet, my mouth is beyond fucked and I have no real health insurance ty america!! I hate my ethnicity and I will never be comfortable in my own skin, I am poor as fuck and soon I will have to move out which means I will have to work even more hours which is already suicide bait. it is bad and only getting worse. Staying alive only prolongs my pain and the end result will be the same either way so it is pretty silly i keep hanging on for no reason. Really not sure why I stay alive tbh",Suicidal +8979,"Sometimes my posts on Reddit seem invisible :( If you see this, can you comment hi?",Depression +8980,"Hi, I am a 14 yo guy, I have a dad that is pretty depressing to say. Idk wtf is wrong w him but I think there is something wrong with his treatment in the past ~5 years. He verbally abuses me, my mom, and my sister ATLEAST twices a week. I have no one to talk to about it, this is my first time sharing my story. Sometimes he would even push my head to the kitchen wall for not opening a can. Disturbing: I once say him punching my mom till he vomit blood at the age of 7-8. If you say ""think of how much he have done for you"" I fr cannot think of any. I do not want to involve any law enforcement simply because i do not want my mom to be hurt more. I always think What if I just die everything will be reliefed. Domestic, verbal, physical abuse. I want to die",Suicidal +8981,I am bored. I am unhappy. I am alone. The quality of the earth is declining rapidly. I want out. I do not want to be alive anymore,Depression +8982,"I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, ptsd and multiple other disorders for several years. some years were better than others, while some i barely made it through. I have gone on multiple medications and countless therapists, outpatients, changing environments constantly. another shitty year for me, I have been loosing myself left and right. the last few weeks have been the worst and i cannot even put my finger on what is been causing it. every single night its another struggle in my head and living alone and rarely leaving my place or even talking to family or friends, I am isolated. its not like i have the energy or will power to explain to a bunch of people what i can barely grasp my head around. all they would ever say is that its been almost ten years now and that i need to get over it, go outside more. I have tried everything, i mean everything. every night is another battle. I am proud of myself for even making it this far. yet i still cannot stop hating myself for all I have caused people. forget other people, what I have caused for myself. and like every other night for the past few years. ill sit and contemplate every single thing I have done and tire myself out with the thinking to finally get a break from myself and sleep only to wake up and repeat another rough night",Depression +8983,"i do not belong anywhere, everywhere i go i can only make 1-2 long term friends and even then, most do not understand me. I have always been a social retard (diagnosed with autism last year) but now that I am actually going outside and meeting new people I am noticing how inept i am at socializing, and i feel like i do not belong.i also do not have any career prospects, and not due to lack of opportunity, I am comfortably middle class in a country in 54% of the population is poor. I am going to a good school but i cannot study or pay attention to fucking online classes, so my grades are in freefall.i cannot kill myself though because i have a ton of people that care about me, but i do not think i can hold on much longer, my first thought of suicide was in 2019 when i thought of throwing myself under a truck because i felt like such a disappointment to my mother for being a dumbass that faked a signature to get out of a suspension. dying has basically never left my mind since, save for some moments of peace in mid 2020.it is not like i do not have the means to die since my brother has black labeled medication for his cerebral palsy and epilepsy, but it is so painful knowing my parents would see my body, and my friends and family would feel terrible. fuck me and fuck all of this.",Suicidal +8984,"I am 21m and I would think its depression or anxiety and I feel stupid because I am not the brightest guy around it feels as though I am judged, Id self medicate wit alcohol or weed which would give more anxiety but my doctor gave me lexapro & I do not think it works. idk it does not help because I am alone and it does not matter if I am having a good time, it only matters when it ends because I have nothing that is interesting which is being alone and thinking about dying is scary and unavoidable, so being alive is scary but I want to be better so what if I do not have the option too be better. I am depressed and I do not know how to handle it..",Depression +8985,4000 miles from nowhere...loneliness is overwhelming... Can anyone help me?,Suicidal +8986,Feels like shit can someone talk with me? Woke up after a lot of pills,Suicidal +8987,"My life is fine, I am pretty lucky actually, but I can stop feeling utterly miserable, bored and alone. there is nothing to do and I cannot bring myself to do anything. Anytime I start something, I always want to stop after a couple of weeks. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I wish I could just maintain an interest in something. I feel left out and unable to connect with others too. I just feel so trapped. I am just so unhappy. I have tried so hard to change it, but I always have this cloud hanging over me. Surprise surprise, another post about being miserable",Depression +8988,"I have rewritten this like 10 times because it feels like i cannot ever get the words right but i think i just need to post something:I have lost the friendship i had with my best friend and i do not think it is ever really coming back. i have another friend who is helped me a lot through the last days while I have felt horrible but i can tell she is at the limit of her energy and i do not want to overwhelm her with more of my issues.i feel so lost and overwhelmed, so anxious constantly. i have not been able to fall asleep for days the only time i get rest is when i pass out from exhaustion. I have been cutting myself every night to cope but the only way i can see myself truly getting peace of mind is to hang myself and it is getting really hard not to give in to the urge anxious for days and it is not getting better I am getting desperate",Suicidal +8989,"I am not sure if this is the best place to wrote this but last night there was a moth in my bathroom and to me the worst thing in the world is killing ANYTHING I just cannot do it and seeing it fly around just so peacefully minding its own buisness has caused me to have a nightmare, i cannot explain it but i was home to loads of frogs , crabs and all but instead of me killing them and putting them out of their pain i would not no matter what and instead i just let them decay in my room , i do not know why but it has put me in a really bad mood and right now i do not have the best mental its causing me to be really down and depressive , i do not know what this is or why but its scary and i am worrying it to happen tonight so I am going to stay up all night, Nightmares",Depression +8990,"Finally fucking did it. 20 years old, almost a millionaire in liquid cash + assets, passive income of 5 figures monthly, bought my parents a home in cash as gift, why the fuck am I not happy?I do not fucking understand, I always wanted this, I always worked for it, now I have it and my brain still tells me to fucking die.I cannot possibly explain this and I am aware of how stupid it sounds, but I cannot help it.I avoid mirrors just so I do not have to look at myself. My brain cannot be helped. Anything good I do it tells me its worthless because I could have done it sooner but now its too late.Become wealthy? you are 20, should have achieved that at max 18.Create beautiful successful projects? Meh, there are teens building the future since they are 12, you are too late.Anything I do, its not good enough.I do not expect kind comments or any comments at all, I just wanted to pour my soul out to somebody.I am hanging by a thread, and nobody sees it. I finally fucking did it, but I still feel the need to die",Depression +8991,"I miss my friends so much, but they hate me, and for mostly good reasons. do not feel like I have much left to feel ok about. Just want to know someone cares, even in passing.Thanks Can someone just tell me I am going to be ok?",Suicidal +8992,"i cannot put into words how deeply sad and lonely i feel. every night i stay up feeling like shit. no friends, no social life and no career going or schooling. i try to socialize with people but i guess I am just bad at it. i feel like absolutely nobody wants me around or enjoys my company. i really do not know what I am going to do from here but i hope it turns out better. the worst I have ever felt -",Depression +8993,"I am just exhausted. About to turn 34 and so worn out. Life is good, wife, cool step kids, good job. But my first memory is being in my room not wanting tomorrow to ever come. And that thought has never gone away. Medication and and a fast pace job makes things bearable but that thought never goes away. Repeating myself. Constantly. I am trying to live this life with normal people and all I do is let them down. You cannot just tell your family that you love them and that you do not want to wake up anymore. Worn out.",Depression +8994,"Woke up feeling this way and it has not changed. I think I am too far gone at this stage. My social skills suck, I struggle to make new friends.i just end up getting used by people. I do not want to live a anymore, I am not sad rn. Not scared but very calm since the moment I woke up.I know my fate and what is going down tonight. If I somehow survive I will not know what to do next. I have come to a certain kind if piece and acceptance There is one thing I must do before I die and that is confirm and talk with a girl who I have recently known and fucked things up with. Honestly she was the only reason I did not kill myself yet. If she has lost feelings that gives me the freedom to kill myself. I know my family will suffer and my brother. I am not gaining anything from dying, only losing what I already have. I know peace in life and death is scary but easy and inviting... whoever's reads this . do not be a spectator in your life, be the main character. Live your own life. I do not why I an here, i thought it was the help people but i cannot even help myself Pretty deadset on killing myself today.",Suicidal +8995,I have gained an insane amount of weight while being depressed. More than 40 pounds. it is devastating and keeps me more depressed. If I take lexapro for my depression and anxiety will it make me gain more weight or will I be happier and not want food as much and lose weight? Depression and overheating,Depression +8996,I am 13 m I have been depressed and suicidal ever since quarantine started but its gotten worse over the past few months i suffer with depression anxiety a ED and undiagnosed ocd. depression has been kicking my ass for a while I have attempted non-alive countless times and obviously none of them worked. do not go in the comments and say wHat abOut yOur fAmily I have come to a point where idgaf about everyone else (not to sound selfish) anyways I am blaming this on a few people who deserve to get in trouble. and if you see this myah congrats. you got me to kill myself. you made all my friends look like complete assholes and you made me lose half of my friends and one of them was the only person keeping me alive. I am going to die tonight so why not just dump everything here?,Suicidal +8997,"Nothing helps. My life is fucked up beyond any repair. I will never be happy, because aspergers are not meant to be happy. I hate everything. I hate myself, my family, my girlfriend and my shitty future where I will end up working 12 hours a day, only for it be with my fat girlfriend that treats like a man child 24/7.I really wished that I died on my last years suicide attempt. I hate my past, my present and my future",Depression +8998,Every second of the day I am on the edge of having a panic attack (I had my first last year in November) it felt like I was going crazy and words did not make sense I felt this fear over come my body I felt as if I was seeing the world through a phone and I did not feel present if that makes sense. I suffer with really bad social anxiety but during my panic attack I wanted to run up to random people and ask this if everything was going to be okay and to make sure I was fine. I got lightheaded because of the terror in my body and my hands and legs were going cold and numb. I seriously wanted to die during it all it lasted about 20 minutes and then calmed down a bit to where I could at least keep myself fighting to want to live. I have not had a full blown panic attack like that again but ever since I know the feeling I have this fear of having it again and will get random waves of that anxiety I had before I had my panic attack which just makes me freak out more. I do not want to self diagnose so I am just going to say I have this intrusive thoughts that I am becoming schizophrenic 24/7 so the most random things will trigger me that never did before and I obsess over it 1000 times after that questioning why it did and come to the conclusion I am losing it. If I hear a song on the radio and the voice is kind of weird or the beat is somewhat scary I imagine scary things and my brain will start glitching out but I think it is because of the fear in my head and I am just fabricating my fears. How do I stop this. When does it stop,Depression +8999,i do not want to wake up paralyzed or anything is bleach guaranteed,Suicidal +9000,cannot keep up anymore I am just done Last straw for me,Depression +9001,"if we all came together in real life we could make a depressland state. how you would like depressland to look like? I feel wrong I just cannot believe there are 777,000 of us depressed and there is nothing we can do about it together.",Depression +9002,"I have posted to this Subreddit before and I really did not want to post again but here we are.I am having progressively more suicidal thoughts ever so recently because of an incident. I do not want to reveal too much but I think I ruined a relationship with someone who I see as a mother figure and a friend of mine is making a big deal out of the situation, in my opinion. Another friend has also been affected by this and they mean alot to me.I do not know how to handle this situation right now, especially with my friend who is hurting alot. I just really feel like disappearing to everyone right now, no sign of me anywhere, I am just really tired and was wondering if I could have some advice. I hate asking for support but I need advice.",Suicidal +9003,"Yesterday I was on Muni and I was smoking cigar like I normally do meanwhile a guy across from me is blast gangsta rap. About 3 mins in of smoking I was good. Then the dude blasting gangsta rap starts complaining ""Put that shit out!"" I am like ""No."" he is all "" I hate rats like you it stinks, and broke is all you will ever be!"" ""I am like but you blastin music."" he is all ""You irritating more ppl than me, now I turned it down, now put yours out."" I am like ""No"" Then he snitches to bus driver and I call him a snicth. Then he is all the like ""your Mama's a snitch"" meanwhile I put it out and he turns back up the gangsta rap and starts rapping obnoxiously. Then bus driver starts threatening to kick me off and bout a fucking mask. So I put on a scarf. We eventually all get kicked off for me smoking and the gangsta rap. Moral is everyone want listen to gangsta rap but nobody can do gangsta shit. they talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. Nobody can handle the reality of it. Everytime somebody does she me gangsta shit someone winds up snitching, wining or going against it. Everyone claims to be from the hood, wears gangsta clothing: baggy pants,Jordans cortezes, white tee and gold teeth but nobody can handle the lifestyle. I am a rebel, outlaw, I do shit that goes against the law and IDGAF I do not dress like a gangsta and do not claim to be one but I hate people so fuck them. I am always smoking on bus I never where a mask and I I play my loud ass music. But do I complain when others do the same? No. I always get kicked off the bus and will continue too. This cognitive dissonance of the American gangsta drives me insane Everybody listens to gangsta rap but will not do gangsta shit",Suicidal +9004,"My brother was diagnosed with MDD w/ to psychotic features over a month ago. Despite having anti-psychotic meds and a therapist he only seems to be getting worse. Its only me, my mom, and him. The pressure is literally crushing my mom. He refuses to be open with anyone other than his girlfriend, who has her own shit to deal with. He gets angry when my mom tries to check on him when hes spiraling, almost to the point where I am scared to talk to him. We wake up to him banging on his walls so loud that my room shakes. We ask him what is going on and he either ignores us or says hes fine. His therapists will not talk to us without his permission, which is understandable. We cannot afford for him to see a psychiatrist regularly and not many take his insurance. I feel like all we can do is watch himself worse and idk what to do. How do I help my brother who is struggling with MDD?",Depression +9005,"that is it. should i even care anymore? ILL FUCKING DIE HAPPILY IF THEY WANT ME TO! and after everything i have sacrificed and done for them, they call ME the asshole. i cannot believe it! that is fucking it! I have lost my mind! I am going insane! i do not think I have genuinely been THIS mad at anybody for a very long time. I am going to fucking kill myself! my friend just unfriended me for being trans, after i pussied out of suicide THREE TIMES for them",Suicidal +9006,I was diagnosed with Depression in late 2019. I had a rough year and was not functioning like I was. I started taking meds for both Anxiety and Depression and they have helped me out. However their are days where I am just completely down even getting worse than I was. I hope these feelings are more temporary and I still see progress with my mental health Been living nearly 2 years with depression. Life can still be a struggle.,Depression +9007,does anobody not want to live but are too afraid to die? I hope I am not alone on this. I am usually only happy for a few seconds. when I am happy I think that whenever I am happy something bad is going to happen. It just hurts and is sad. i love my dogs and my family and my friends but I have this fear of my dogs dying and a fear of my friends betraying me and a fear of everyone hating me and a fear of my family hating me it just hurts. I do not want to live but also I am too afraid to die,Suicidal +9008,"I am an Australian 16 year old. In my foreseeable future I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. I am on a prescription for fluoxetine which is an anti-depressant and has not affected how I have felt or thought ever since I started taking them. I am constantly on the verge of suicide with nothing to gain or nothing to lose. I take melatonin to sleep each night so if I wanted an easy way out I could easily overdose on the melatonin. I just need a reason to keep going, no goals in life, nothing pleases or makes me happy anymore. Give me a reason.",Suicidal +9009,"I feel done. I think I am done.Nothing seems exciting, it feels like the world has lost color. I do not know why I am here. I have a job and according to my friends that would make me feel better.I am done, I am done taking up space, I am done feeling like I am too much. I do not want to be here anymore Done",Depression +9010,"So like if you OD on drugs or some shit, but you do not fully die, will they eventually pull the plug on you at the hospital or will they do what most humans opt to do, and make you suffer via keeping you as a vegetable. I know that it usually comes down to money, so if those who are conscious refuse to pay will the hospital just let me die and send my corpse to the morgue? This is a genuine question. And mods, please do not ban me or remove this post. I have heard stories that any posts that ""get too real"" get removed real fast. Are you likely to end up a veggie in a hospital?",Suicidal +9011,i need to be gone i do not see a future for anybody where I am not dead,Suicidal +9012,"like title, this happened before a few years back when i was really depressed and stopped talking to most my friends. this time around i only had about one friend and I am pretty sure she is done with me. i do not know what to do really pretty sure i lost all my friends",Depression +9013,Please just kill me. I do not want to do this or anything anymore. God damn it Please kill me,Suicidal +9014,"So, I am a few months shy of 21, I have been struggling with depression since I was 14 and, right now, my life has gone through some drastic changes that have affected my mental health. I dropped out of college to pursue a career in medicine (I used to be a nursing student, now I am seeking medical school) and that, associated with quarantine, made me spend a lot of time home.Because of this, I have been dealing with constant homophobia by my family, especially my father and brother and more unrequested comments about everything I do. This has led my down a darker path, I have stopped studying, running (I was a marathonist), gained 20kg from anxiety eating, and I barely brush my teeth. I have gone back to self-harming pretty much every day after being clean for 4 months and have planned to take my own life on August 1st, even wrote my goodbyes to my family and my girlfriend. I want to get help, I know I am not okay and just found out my insurance covers psychiatric interventions (yayyy) but I am a bit scared to go there since I, during psych rotations in nursing school, I dealt with some pretty scary situations. I would love some insight about what it is like in there and here your thought about itThanks in advance, have a wonderful day Has anyone here ever been to a psych ward? If so, what is it like?",Depression +9015,"I do not know what to do, what to focus on, what to believe in, what to spend my time on. The noise inside my head is deafening and I feel uncertain about everything. I question everything. I have no faith, no love, and no sense of conviction about the future. I just wish I knew what to do. I am so lost",Depression +9016,"I was not scared. I felt relieved. My psychiatrist is considering putting me into a psychiatric ward because I am having suicidal thoughts frequently and also planning my death.I have been taking antidepressants for ten years plus. I am also seeing a therapist for years. Nothing seems to work anymore. I am lonely, I do not have friends, I do not have a job, I do not have a goal in my life. I had a dream that I killed myself",Suicidal +9017,"I am in Sydney and things are bad. I live by myself and I am extremely lucky in that I am allowed to go visit my boyfriend on weekends which helps a lot. However its been going for like a month and it seems to get worse every day here with no end in sight. Life just feels so terrible, I cannot even go sit on a bench outside without being moved along by police. have not seen my friends in who knows how long and work has been terribly stressful. Anyone got any hot tips?? Fuck How to avoid offing yourself during a severe lockdown?",Depression +9018,I do not even know if I want anyone to respond...Had a fight with my wife. But seems pretty terminal. Just want yo turn all the lights off. Little help?,Suicidal +9019,"I have been friends with this person for a while. I only know of their real name, age and which country they live in. I always only saw them online when it was 3-5am (their time zone) in the morning and always asked why they could not sleep. They told me they were thinking too much again, I always talked to them till they went to sleep. A few days ago during our conversation, they told me that they will be going away for a very long time, I asked why and they said 'it just happens.' I have not heard from them since, four days have passed. What do I do? My online friend has been feeling suicidal, they have not massaged me for 4 days.",Suicidal +9020,"Hello fellow redditors!First of all stay strong and keep fighting I have been taking antidepressants (escitaloprame) during my episode of major depression for about 4 months. Now that I am doing better I am going off the meds. By now I do not take any of those. While the antidepressants originally gave me sleeping issues I am starting to notice something that others probably would not consider a problem: I often wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep, not even being tired. I have never had so little sleep without further impact, the lowest amount I have had before when I was relaxed has been around 6 hours.I know that there is a little chance to have specific genes that allow low amount of sleep. However I wondered if my observations might be due to antidepressants changing the brain activity in the long run.Have any of you had similiar experience with sleeping quality after going off antidepressants?PS: I suspect that I have had dysthymia through my whole life with some depression episodes inbetween so maybe my sleep quality increased because I am finally fine - something that I wish for every single one of you! Sleep changes after taking antidepressants",Depression +9021,How can I tell my therapist I am obsessing on my suicidal thoughts without them sending me back to the psych ward? (I am 16 so I cannot do anything about it if they send me there again) Help?,Suicidal +9022,"I just do not want people to think I killed myself and by starving to death it will look more natural. And that way, my family can say I was just sick or something. Only problem is, it could take a long time, like over a month. I would still want to drink water, just not food. I am thinking about starving to death",Suicidal +9023,#NAME?,Depression +9024,"Life is the same. Day after day. Week after week. Etc. It will never change. Not in the way I need it to. From the outside I should be the picture of happiness. Long term relationship, stable income, appearance of friends in my life. But I am miserable, this world is awful and I do not know what I can do. I am insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I am just a speck in time and space soon to be forgotten. I am miserable with the monotony of life. Nothing truly gets better, not for long. I do not want to work myself to death for my days off. that is not living. I do not want to watch others around me suffer while I try to do something for them. People are suffering and I am unhappy with a good life. Someone take my place. I do not deserve it. Give my life to the parent working 3 jobs to put food on the table for their kids. Give it to a kid dying from cancer. To anyone. Someone. I am wasting it. I am useless. I am nothing. I think I am getting close.",Suicidal +9025,"I just feel so utterly empty and alone. Do you guys ever feel like this? It feels like there is a black hole inside of me, slowly eating away at me and taking my soul.I am 22 and I cannot make friends or get a girlfriend. The loneliness just gets more crushing every day It feels like there is an actual hole in my chest",Depression +9026,"Honestly, not even sure what I want to say. Kind of just want to let people know about motherhood and clinical depression. Not post-partum depression. I have struggled with self-hate ever since I was kid. I believe that nobody could, can, or ever will love me, including myself. There just really is not much to like. Not soon after it became depression and I have just lived my life like this. I am married and have 2 kids. Just want to quickly say that depression is different from being depressed. Being depressed (as my doctor explained) is usually from outward influences. Depression is pretty much a neurological disorder that can be caused through trauma and the like. But yeah, it does not get better with time like everybody says, I have been waiting for a while for that miraculous day to come. Really, I have no idea what I want to say. I guess if you struggle with depression, please get help before getting into a serious relationship or having children. You may think that those things will help you (I did) but they do not. Instead you are family becomes almost an excuse for you to push yourself over the limit. Anyway, I recently reached out and told my doctor and have been put in touch with a psychiatrist. It was hard to tell somebody as the only person who sort of knows is my husband. And I am legit scared to see a psychiatrist and talk about it again, but I am waging a war with myself. Get help or disappear before my 2 year old is able to remember anything about me. Personally the latter seems like the better option but then I think about what it would do to him in the future. Would he really think I loved him and did it for him, or would he think that it was his fault and that he was the problem? So I am getting help instead. There is so much more I want to say about having depression and being a mother, but it will literally be a book and nobody wants to read that, so yeah. It sucks, but get help. Where to start",Depression +9027,"I do not know where else to post this. To get straight to the point, i have a long distance boyfriend. Hes depressed and talks about suicide a lot. Me and another friend has talked him out of it before, but tonight he said to me, he will not be coming back and to ask our friend abt it. I am so fucking scared. He has not responded to any of my messages or calls, and I cannot visit him due to him being in a whole different fucking country.. This is the hardest I have ever cried. I really REALLY hope hes okay.. I keep checking for deaths/suicides in his area because i am really sure he was not joking abt it. I cannot lose him.. hes all i have left.. Scared.",Suicidal +9028,Just let me kill myself alr. I even procrastinate killing myself when I know its my only way. I need a fast and non painful way which also does not include the risk of it failing and making me worse. Just let me,Suicidal +9029,"So its been already a month and a half since I started feeling really bad, like the meds does not kick in anymore. So as my psychotherapist in vacations I want to know what are my options before I discuss them with him Anti depressors are not effectives anymore and I am already at a very high dosage what is the options I have ?",Depression +9030,"I do not even know where to start I have had/ have a screwed up life, anything bad that can happen does. I have been depressed since I had my daughter and it gets worse and worse. My family has nothing to do with me basically but a select few and the people I do have our not supportive to me with my mental health. I know I am screwed up but I have no insurance or money to pay to get help from a professional when I get down or alone I just need family there to help but most time they just get mad at me and say this again or ruining another time or even I cannot do this anymore. My daughter who is just a child is the only support system I have and I cannot talk to her about anything. I do not know what to do my family says I ruin there lifes because way I am but I do not know how to fix me. I try to hide how I am feeling from family but then it builds up and I explode and its worse but if I show it then its bad to I really do not know what to do or where to go. I do not have any friends I have people I call friends but but they people I talk to once every few months. How can I do this when I do not have anyone in my corner no one that is patient enough to deal with me. I get some my family have mental stuff to but on their bad days I am right there with them supporting helping them through no matter what. I need help figuring out how to get help without insurance or money in away that does not involve my family. Alone and depressed",Depression +9031,"The other day I was swimming underwater, having a nice time trying to hold my breath as long as possible, until my chest/lungs started contracting and spazzing out... and... i did not care. I had been enjoying myself before then, but out of nowhere I got alI cynical and just thought to myself; this could be a way to die, Id just have to stay here a while longer and its done. It was no struggle for me to ignore my chest. But then I thought of the other people I had gone to the river with, who were waiting for me, and I would have felt pathetic. Not to mention all the other strangers there that day that would have seen, including children. So I stopped.I assume the instincts would have kicked in later but, Its almost as if my social self-consciousness is stronger than my self preservation instincts, but i hate that, I am ready to get better I want to stop thinking like this. cannot stop intrusive thoughts",Suicidal +9032,"This year, things seemed to be doing good, finally got on t and mood started to stabilize to the point where I was not having meltdowns in broom closets at work dailyNow into the summer it comes backYear before this was in inpatient because I was hearing shit that was not there and decided to hospitalize myself because it was making me suicidal Year before that was out on leave for 4 months, again around the same time of year late summer/late November, that time because my doctor upped the dosage of a medication that fucked up my mood dissorder severelyYear before that was because I was suicidal, was pre t, hospital staff threatened to tackle me if I did not remove my chest flattening garment and kept me in a hallway full of strangers and misgendered me the entire time, had a meltdown in front of said strangers who began to openly mocked me. I cannot afford to keep hospitalizing myself and if I try to just go back to my job I am going to end up killing myself, there is nearly a 100 foot drop from the balcony to the floor in the building I am working in, I have thought about it, I have never gone too far but have had attempts through other means. it is going to be complaining and saying ""hey something is wrong and I need actual financial support and therapy from someone trained to handle trauma in a way that is not just telling me I have anxiety and that what is going on is normal I need help or I am going to die"" and no one will take me seriously until it actually happens. The only reason I am not dead now is because the thought of people going ""wow we had no idea this would happen"" makes me physically ill. cannot fucking do this shit anymore always back to square one",Depression +9033,"it is definitely because I am disabled. People make jokes about me like I am not another human being. Since I am so alienated from society, I am just going to end it. I can tell people do not even see me as human",Suicidal +9034,"During my early teens I have come to the realization that I knew I would not want much part of this world. I cannot feel any type of satisfaction in life Neither family, significant other, or even the simple pleasure of food. As much as I try to surround myself with positivity the feeling of emptiness drowns it. My birthday was a few days ago and pictures were taken. Looking back at them I can see into my own eyes my soul screaming for release. I have lost 30lbs from eating either too little or not at all. I slowly feel like I am reaching my limit and I am scared to reach for help.. An abyss",Suicidal +9035,"I honestly just feel empty, unaccomplished, and tired of even thinking about others and things that have it better than i do. I do not want to hear appreciate what you have i do, but i still just feel like nothing. Sometimes i want to break down and cry but i cannot even do that because i just feel nothing. I have lost so many people in my life that were important, it hurts everyday and people close to me just cannot understand. There use to be people like that, but now they are dead too i do not even feel like my own girl feels me why are you sad? Idek myself at this point. there is apart of me that thinks i might achieve great things, that all this shit is not for nothing, but most days it just feels like an endless race to even care. I have tried taking my life before, i still sometimes want to now. I do not even know if I am posting this wanting advice or if I am posting this because i feel like i need to scream and i cannot and the only mfs that might understand this are people Ill probably never meet. I have been taught to keep it all in and just move forward, but doing that just makes me feel like I am going in reverse, crying and feeling make me feel like a bitch. Idek myself anymore, honestly do not feel like i ever did. Just feel empty sometimes",Depression +9036,"A few days ago I swallowed a bunch of pills thinking it would kill me, but it did not.I drank at least 2 cups of pesticide and it did not kill me.I tried to cut my wrist but it hurt too much.I am so scared and tired, waking up disappointed.I just tried to drink a pipe cleaner but end up burning my mouth and I am so mad at myself for not swallowing it. I cannot even kill myself properly.I want to call my brother but I am scared he will just get annoyed with me. I do not want to be a bother anymore. How can I even speak with him when my mouth hurts.I am scared and I am tired. I am a coward, I just want my family to stop being disappointed in me. Scared",Suicidal +9037,"I know I can only be myself around my girlfriend. I would not really call it a relationship because she talks to me the most when she gets praise and I get she is depressed as well but its leaking onto me and making me feel worse. I have to put on a 'personality' for all my friend groups, family, and strangers. The things I think about myself are things that never leave my soul unless its a quick joke about depression. But really, I hate myself. The worlds getting worse as it is and I believe that its probably not going to get any better. Things have changed in my life and I do not want to change. I want to leave this world by 21 so I do not have to live any longer. I have no hobbies or anything I am good at. While yes I have good friends the friends are temporary and most are my girlfriends' friends and I do not want to steal them from her. she is a multitalented human being and I am a multifaced asshole who just goes with the flow until i die. I just hate it. I want to die just waiting for others to leave my life to do so",Suicidal +9038,"So many failed attempts. How do I fail at absolutely everything? I am trying my best and nobody cares. I have no one who is there for me. Everyone just tells me to take accountability and be stronger. Trust me, I have been trying. I do yoga and work out, I love my job I got promoted recently, I have started new hobbies, I have landscaped my entire backyard planted flowers even a garden, I have plants to keep me company....but nobody. Nobody who wants to talk or listen. No one I have not wronged in my lowest moments. No one who can see past my pain and see that I am really trying. I have been reading. Doing my best not to take life so personally but what is the point of existing alone. Having noone to share your happy moments with or successes, your authentic thoughts and feelings without judgment? Nobody cares about me. I am one in however many billion people are on this planet, insignificant to say the least. The world will keep spinning without me. And that is what keeps pushing me, I have been holding on for people who do not give two fucks about me , who lives are unaffected by my absence currently so I do not need to feel guilty. I can leave, the same way everybody leaves me Every time I wake up I feel even more pathetic",Suicidal +9039,"my life is a mistake and I am pretty sure it will never be okay, from the day I was conceived I have been unloved and unwanted, from my mother trying to abort me to the most recent relationship ending in tatters, I used to think I was cursed but now I just think I am one massive mistake.I want to rectify the mistake.I have plans and everything is ready but there is a small part of me that wonders if I am wrong so thought I would reach out. **trigger warning** I need someone to stop me",Suicidal +9040,I have rewritten this like two or three times I do not want to say to much or to little but I am losing my mind over my brother I cannot stop thinking about if hes drinking or not he finally admitted he has a problem about a month ago and agreed to go to meetings (we have no money for rehab or anything like that) and after months of getting zero sleep and losing over 20 pounds worrying about him I thought that everythings gone back to normal until today I am pretty confident hes been drinking (me and my dad work during the day) this whole thing the last 6 months has really just fucked me up I hate coming home cannot sleep I just feel empty inside I feel like I got no one in my corner and I am sorry if this comes off as me being soft or weak I just have no one to talk to and had to finally get this off my chest My little brothers an alcoholic and its slowly killing me,Depression +9041,"I am over everything in my life. I just moved in with my best friend too be closer to a different job. I moved out of my apartment and moved in with my best friend because both it was closer to a new job, but also because that i felt that apartment represented a horrible part of my life, one where I put the barrel of my gun in my mouth 26 times but could not pull the trigger. But now I think that was a mistake. We were really close before, her kids adore me and her husband got along with me. But over time, I have damaged a lot of that relationship because of my mental illnesses and I think she resents me, possibly hates me and the only reason she let me stay here was because her kids like me and she feels guilty because of how much I have helped them monetarily over the past couple of years, even though I have never asked for a dime back and do not care about the money. But everything since I began moving in last week, up through now says she does not want me here, and now I cannot afford to move anywhere else. My depression is probably more fucked right now as I am writing this than it ever was in my apartment. I am tempted to take my truck out onto the highway and just roll it into the creek as fast as I can. That way nobody has to deal with me, my shit life, nor my depressive bullshit ever again. I am over it. I am over life. I am over it",Depression +9042,"I know the truth of this world. you are all not real, you are just a bunch of literal dolls. You all have plastic skin and I know everything is not real as the plants are made of plastic. you are all toys and I am the only human. I am so lonely living like this. I know you all will probably answer or not because the child wants to play. They are playing a game. They are using all their dolls but not me because I am real. I am not a toy and that is lonely. I need to kill myself partly because of the loneliness of being the only human. I need to die. I am tired of being apart of some childs imagination. Why I need to die",Suicidal +9043,I am sure many suicides would be preventable if people learned to be more empathetic Why do people not try to help me? I know if I killed myself they would all wish they did more?? Makes no sense,Suicidal +9044,"really wish i could talk to someone but my best friend is the reason I am so sad. i got my life fucked and flipped over 5 years ago and I have just been picking up pieces ever since. I am in therapy three times a week I am on drugs that are meant for war veterans and every meaningful person in my life i have effectively pushed them away. no good excuse besides being ruled by trauma and not being able to cope effectively. i see my last lifeline just kind of living and having a good time and being present and I am so jealous its hard to talk to her at all. I am so behind I am never going to make it to where everyone else is. I have attempted twice and idk why i have to be alive. why do i have to be here. i just try to make it through every day i do not have purpose. i can hardly feed myself. everyone else is making strides in their lives and moving to new cities and jobs and everything. I have been stagnant for 5 years. I am 23. my life got fucked at 18 and I am mentally still fucking there. because i cannot get away from my thoughts man. 6 mental diagnosis later and i just cannot do this shit anymore. I am tired of seeing people have all of the things i so desperately want. it comes to everyone else so fucking easily. i get how people say ""no do not die you have sm to live for you are so young"" ya ok that does not apply to me. i do not have so much to live for. i have no desire to continue because i am never going to fucking catch up. i do not want the life i live. i do not want the things that have happened in my life. i did not ask to fucking be here. i just take up resources that could be better used with people who have lives worth living or at least passion and drive. the only future i see for myself is in the fucking ground within the next few months. the life expectancy for my illnesses is 39-42 anyways. oh by suicide if you were curious. BECAUSE NOBODY WITH MY FUCKING BRAIN WOULD EVER WANT TO BE ALIVE I GUARANTEE IT. just not doing the best",Suicidal +9045,"My brother called me all upset and then he hung up on me yesterday.Today my Mom got a call that he nearly attempted suicide and is in a psych ward detoxing from a relapse of being an alcoholic.I feel like shit. I wish he had just kept talking to me. I wish I had called back. Please call someone, a hotline or just anyone if you are feeling bad. I hate that he did not feel like he could talk to me. I feel like a failire. Guilty about my brother",Depression +9046,"I think I really just have like 3 more bad days left in me, then I am going to throw in the towel, I am just so fucking exhausted. I know its stupid to assume it will get better on its own, but fuck it I cannot do anything else.I just hope you all know that I really did try, every day. Few days left in me",Suicidal +9047,"unironically listening to Linkin Park atm. I listened to my fair share of edgy shit as a kid/adolescent but I see now why they stood on top among all the edgy early 00s bands. and relating a bit hard to the lyrics haha. you ever kind of want to tell someone you are unironically relating to Linkin Park lyrics but you think they would laugh rather than understand? it is pretty grim, I have to say. I feel pretty 2D.anyway I was pretty depressed already but this whole event has upped the difficulty an uncomfortable amount. dear God, let me survive this fucking week. or do not, I do not much care a ton at the moment. ghosted by my best friend. it is probably my fault but I will go to the grave wondering.",Depression +9048,"I was opening up to my mom and she literally responded with ""you are starting to annoy me"" LMFAOOO I am laughing because I was crying a second ago about this. I do not have anyone to talk to. I was literally ranting to her about how I do not know how to say no since I am a people pleaser and how it really messes up my life. I am so tired. Life is draining. I am emotionally tired. I want to sleep forever. I just got called annoying",Suicidal +9049,I am only alive because of my sibling. They have already lost both parents to suicide. Its so selfish of me to want to end things too but I am so miserable and everything I try just makes things worse. I try things out of panic and it does not work then I just feel more hopeless. Tomorrow I am going to where my mother passed away to just think about things. I am not going to do it yet but its rough. I cannot take it much longer,Suicidal +9050,"I have had suicidal thoughts for years now. they have come and gone throughout my lifetime. I have cried for help, sure. But nothing seriously. Today, I realized I began actively trying to make a plan. And that is an extremely terrifying thoughtI just want to chat. It got too real",Suicidal +9051,"I lost each of my friends a few years ago, and I still cannot go a day without thinking about it. It ended really badly with everyone.They were the only close friends I have had, and before and after I was friends with them I have felt like an empty husk without a purpose. They still talk about how much they hate me and how much happier they are without me on social media, and it hurts me so much. It hurts just as much as the day it happened, and I do not know who I am or what value I have without them.Every day is a struggle to get through, and I feel like I cannot keep living like this; always suicidal and thinking about how the only people who is opinions I cared about do not care if I live or die.I have nightmares regularly of them all in front of me telling me how horrible I am. I have been seeing a therapist and on meds for a long time, but it still feels the same.I do not know what to do anymore, I just want to feel like there is a future like I used to. My only friends despise me",Depression +9052,"I will enjoy myself for more 30 days till i finaly end This, idk I am posting here, maybe to enjoy with you all This last days, I am happy now, I have take my decision and now i know that is ok, and I am Glad to take This last days till i gone, Just be happy on the final days Countdown",Suicidal +9053,So one of my coping mechanisms is spending lots of money on stuff I do not need I have been feeling a lot worse lately and around a week ago I had over a grand in my bank account now i have 89$ if anyone has any advice or anything it would help a lot. I cannot stop spending money,Depression +9054,"firstly idk where to put this but I need to rant ig ?anyway I dream so often about killin ppl ( my family, my parents, some ppl I knew before even some ppl I have never seen before ) and I feel weirdly relieved every time I dream about this like sooo relieved .I deal with depression since years but I started too see these dreams since a few months ago ! I am kind of afraid I would might lose it and do it to someone irl .... am I losing my mind ? idk Lost",Suicidal +9055,Been playing Awpx legends for over a year now and it is started stressing me out to a great extent and I have just started self harming. I was clean for a year without these thought but I am being pushed to the fucking edge. LIKE FUCK. Died to a worthless fuck as I am typing this. Man I feel like jumping. Just wish I was swallowed. Apex legends Suicidal thoughts,Suicidal +9056,"I do not know where to go and I think this might be my last time trying because I need to be successful, I tried twice in February in the same week and neither of the attempts killed me, I thought I had friends around me who cared and wanted me but so many of them have hurt me and I have barely anyone, I tried to stick up for someone I thought was my best friend and in retaliation his gf called me disgusting names and said so many fucked up lies about me, they know I have not been well and its pushing me they made group chats just to use these lies to hurt me for standing up for him and I do not leave my house because it hurts that much, she messaged my little brother and said so much messed up stuff to him and someone else I thought was my friend just turned on me with her lies, I have lost everyone and I am so exhausted I have tried everything and I cannot hold on, I was in a small motorbike crash aswell and I am not too injured luckily but they have started making fun of that, they made jokes about me being spiked and hospitilized and I cannot take it, I am so so cold and I feel so empty, I have nothing left to give and no more energy to go on and I just want it all to be over and I just want to rest now I want to finally be at peace, I do not think I can keep going Help",Suicidal +9057,I hate this world. Nothing good ever happens to me. I am so miserable. Fuck.It is really hard to see reasons to stay alive. I do not think i will ever escape my misery. Death would free me from all the pain i have. Fuck this World,Suicidal +9058,"I do not want help, even the ""good"" parts of life do not appeal to me anymore. The only person who can talk me out of this is myself at this point, so please, someone just give me an answer, how much celexa will it take to kill me it is pretty much all I have will around 4000 mg of celexa kill me",Suicidal +9059,"I do not know how can we overcome this parasite that is called depression and anxiety! Its killing us. I am so fucking tired of being like this. I want to live happily, enjoy life, and make something with it.I am tired of thinking that its over and then all of a sudden it hits back even stronger.I am tired of being alone, yes tired of being alone with no one that cares about me. Tired of being alone with my thoughts that will not stop until i kill my self.I am just tired. I think I am done with all of this shit.",Depression +9060,"Just to clarify, **I have never told anyone that I have wanted to die because of them, and I will never do something that in my life.**But... What I have done, having realized that yesterday, is something **very** selfish...In the past years, I used to tell some of the closest friends I have ever had about my feelings of suicide, like I felt sad, empty or than I wanted to catch the bus, including a time I engaged into self-harm once or twice, **(but I never told them it was because of them or something similar).** I also told the same things to people I used to know from the internet...What I did... Is **unforgivable.**I put such a huge **burden on them**, I think I made them feel they were responsible for my happiness... Even if that was not my intention, even if I tried to reciprocate things to them as much as I could; the **damage** was done.Those things should only be told either to qualified mental health professionals with decades of study, or in anonymous forums with people who have similar problems, but either the anonymity or professional relationship have boundaries to ensure the person who listens will not end up feeling guilty or responsible.Maybe that is the main reason I ended up being mostly alone... Even if I was desperate for help, I asked for it in the most horrible way I could have ever done...They moved on because they deserved to be happy, they deserved to be surrounded with positive people who love them, they deserved all the good things in the world...Something that a useless, toxic and cowardly person like me would never be able to provide... Even if I was hurt a lot, even if society ended up betraying me, I should have never asked that kind of advice to them... Honestly... I do not think I have ever been a good person at all... Ever since I was a child I have had trouble connecting with people, my way of being (like how I speak, walk and express myself), pissed them off so much that they ended up bullying me as punishment, or they slowly ignored me until I got the message and moved away from their lives.Heh, and I thought I could be a hero... What kind of hero does that?What kind of **decent** human being does something like that?Like someone told me once, even if I never had bad intentions towards them, my **final actions** were the ones that mattered the most.Aristotle said that there are friendships based either on affinity, utility and true love...Aside from some exceptions, I think most of the friendships I have ever had in my life were about utility and affinity, with very few ones based on true love...And if deep inside my core I am not a good person, it explains why I have to suffer like this as punishment. I think I have been a manipulator...",Suicidal +9061,"Hi guys I am a 18F and I feel like I am falling back into a state of depression. I feel like part of it is because it is summer break so I feel like I have nothing productive to do. Throughout the day I am just in a constant state of sadness although idk if it would be considered depression. I sometimes find myself thinking about death even though I am not necessarily suicidal. I do not really have the motivation to do anything productive and just laze around all day until its night time when I usually play games with my friends. This gives me some joy but then after it is done I fall back into that sad state. I feel like I have no one to talk to because I feel like I do not deserve to be depressed or sad. I do not have any financial struggles and I have a pretty good relationship with family and friends. I am hoping that once fall semester starts I will be out of this rut and instead be stressed about school LOL. Anyways, thank you to anyone that actually reads this and listened to my rant :). Constant state of sadness",Depression +9062,"Below me the oceans waves crashed into the rocks. The ocean stretched out as far as the eyes could see, the artwork of God that makes real life seem like a dream.It was almost 6pm, the sun was setting and it painted a beautiful shade of orange on the oceans surface. A sunset is one of the most beautiful sights you could ever witness. However, the sun setting above the ocean its beauty can barely be described. I was standing on a cliff above the ocean, about 10 feet from the edge. My mind and body was sending waves of warnings about the dangers that awaited if I went any closer. Danger ahead it whispered, your safer here. The human brain has an unprecedented instinct for survival. I took a few steps forward and the warnings multiplied. Stop fucking walking the voice screamed. I was three feet closer to the edge of the cliff now and I could truly see the whole ocean ahead of me. I took sometime to bask in its beauty. I was standing still so the voice dwindled but still conspicuously whispered go fucking back.I involuntarily began reminiscing on the tragedy that is my past. The pain and agony inflicted on me by the world, the hell I went through in the hands of others, the betrayals from those I trusted, my regrets, the ones I have lost, the embarrassments, and humiliations I endured and most especially the catastrophes I personally inflicted upon myself and those I love due to my slavery to my desires and greed.The rest, I could find ways to cope with because the malevolence of the world and the human-beings that run it is not obscure, except to the hopelessly naive (which I was a part of for the longest time). I found it most onerous however to handle the last one for one simple reason; its one thing to be going through rejection, torment and suffering and its another thing to go through these things with the irrefutable knowledge that you are responsible for majority, if not all of it. Agony that is your fault is a special type of pain.I took more steps forward and my brain fired into overdrive survival mode. It was shrieking at me at this point. Its words incoherent but its meaning crystal clear.Death is close.Shockwaves of fear and terror flowed through me from head to toe and all I could perceive was the 50 feet drop into a belligerent ocean that crashed steadfastly into a bunch of jagged rocks, its thunderous boom promised to pull me into the everlasting warmth of oblivion if I fell, where my body would probably never be found.I was at the edge of the cliff now and my whole life had flashed through my eyes. Then I heard those words. I am seeing someoneThe phrase that drove me over the deep edge. The phrase that represented the coalescence of all my ignorant, vacuous, naive, selfish, greedy and gullible decisions.I still remember exactly how those words made me feel.Standing on the edge of the cliff with every molecule of my body screaming for me to turn back, I realized an important, simple fact.The pain and tragedy of my past and present just has to feel more overwhelming than my fear of demise to make turning back to my reality feel more painful than taking one more step. Standing on the edge of this cliff I deeply understood this feeling. I am in so much pain, I feel so alone all the time even when I am around those who love me so dearly. I do not understand how to make things better. I do not know if things will ever get better. So far its gone from bad to worse to agonizing and I do not know how to bear these feelings anymore. Nothing indicates that things will get better. Signs keep pointing to things getting worse. I feel so tired of being me and it feels easier to just take one more step.I turned back and walked away, for my family, who have loved me far more than I have ever loved myself. I know a lot of us on here are struggling. I wrote a short prose, I hope it gives someone solace.",Suicidal +9063,"sorry I am really close to just giving up everything.. all of the abuse I have endured this far makes me constantly wonder if i deserved it. I have always been a caring person and I have always been as nice as i can be but the world just constantly throws it back in my face. growing up with r\*pe, sexual and emotional abuse for years from my stepfather (and physical abuse from his romantic interests) alongside the murder? suicide? of my mom, i do not even know anymore what happened to herand that is hurting too. I am tired. i do not know if ""things will get better"" is true at all. I am 22 now and nothing has gotten better. all of the family that might have cared for me are dead now or i just do not talk to them because they have all of their own problems, not like a lot of them had ever gone through the effort to talk or help me anyways. its always been me, until foster care stepped in. cannot even mention the shittiness of that. my only escape used to be the internet, but at this point its less of an escape and just too much for me now toothere are little things in life i love, like my pets and my fiance and my friends, but i do not think i can make it any further in life. i do not want to drag them down with me while I am running out of money and literally deterriorating in front of my fiance, though i know I have already impacted his health. does not matter how much i try my best to be the best for him, I am just not good. the only ways i can function even just slightly is if I am high on anything. I have tried hard not to get into alcohol or do anything that might harm my body but i already have it pretty bad there anyways so i do not even know if its worth tryign to preserve myself at all. all i ever got told growing up from people who cared is that I am strong for living through what i did but it is too hard to get over those things when they impede my daily living constantly. i cannot go outside or i have terrible anxiety attacks, cannot work for the same reason. i can hardly buy groceries without either being in too much pain or suffering from these anxiety issues. needless to say the ptsd and insomnia make sleep almost impssible to come by and not at all refreshing. even just writing this reminds me that i just have too many problems and not a single solution for them has worked and I am tired of trying to fix things, using energy i do not have to do these things and try to live i just want to sleep and never wake up or maybe ill go on a walk and get hit by a car and die or something with my luck. I am too weakto kill myself but it will come to me eventually, or maybe ill get the strength to do so and finally just end my pain and complaining its hard",Suicidal +9064,So a lot is going on. I am about to finish grad school and I should be happy but I am not. I am beyond depressed. I have so much going on right now. I have applied to 6 or 7 jobs and have not even gotten 1 interview. I have very little work experience in my field. My sister is about to move to college. My brother wants to move out and go to trade school. I do not know how to drive. do not know what is next for me. My family feels like its falling apart and I feel like I am drowning. I have never had a full time job or even a demanding job. I feel like a waste of human existence. I do not know what to do,Depression +9065,"Dealing with so much pressure, grief, loss, stress. Feels like I am delaying the inevitable and causing myself more pain. I am stuck in lose-lose-lose. Every time i feel like this i try to give myself reasons, they seem to all be in vain, hopeless pipe dreams that i can never reach. Why do i allow this nonstop cycle to continue, i cannot stop it, i keep going on hating myself more for doing so. Who am i kidding",Suicidal +9066,"I hate posting my personal stuff but I just cannot talk to anyone and this is anonymous.I know people say they care and that they are here for me. And I doubt that, I know they are here for me. But I can tell when someone knows they would not if they did not feel like they had to. Everyone leaves and I know its my fault. I become too attached and become obsessive. And I can feel the last of my friends leaving. I do not want new friends, I do not want someone to tell me they care, I do not want any of that. I just want to be alright. I want it all to stop hurting.I know I could have it worse. And I am not looking for attention or for someone to come be my savior. I just need to get it out there. To know someone knows that I am not okay. That I am tired. Things are not *that* bad in my life which is why I do not feel comfortable complaining. But I am tired of being quiet and lying about how I am doing. I just want it all to stop. I had my first therapy appointment and I lied about a lot. I told her I do not want to off myself but I think about it. Truth is, I do. I would give anything to have a guilt free death. One where no one would blame themselves or others. It just happened. I struggle to keep fighting everyday. Every night I lay in bed trying to keep myself away from the medicine cabinet. I am tired of trying and just do not see the point anymore. Things are really hard but they are not",Suicidal +9067,"I have been having depression and anxiety from studying. As a student I have always tried to get the best grades possible with that i was not getting recognition from my family but was still determined to aim higher the year later i started high school with a 93 average and ended with 98 average totaling it up to 96.3. I have always thought that when i get these grades i would get a good job or congratulations from my parents but i was fully depressed when i told them about my final term grade and did not even get a good job or atta-boy which really affected me negatively and i was so sad that i had to confront my mother about this and we started crying and she said she would do better and thankfully it worked but it still lies in the back of my head wether or not if i had said this when my final grades are up she would appreciate or was my confrontation a wake up call to start appreciating me. Even my siblings notice the abandonment i get relating to my studies, where it has caused me to try and aim for the high not to be the best just to be appreciated by my parents.After all that was done in my country there are limited scholarships a person could apply to and with my grades i thought I could have easily got one and by this time i would have choices to pick from but because of covid my grades were insignificant because many students got their grades up by cheating. And there is one month left and I am still anxious if ill get the scholarship i desire and this has trully ruined my mood over the holidays and made me not care about many things i just would not bother to do anything it has been a long tire full journey of studying and not to get appreciated from anyone makes me depressed and starting to not even care about the foundation that i have built i studied and worked hard to excell at every part possible but i could not get the recognition i deserved either from my parents or the scholarships Trauma with studies",Depression +9068,"I do not know why I am posting this, especially on my main account, whether it is to find comfort with potentially like-minded people, to just throw it out into the anonymous void that is the internet, or just to vent further but I truly feel in my heart if I had a gun or maybe a rope, just some means where I KNOW I would be dead while also not risking the lives of other people like I potentially would be if I jumped off the nearest bridge, I would be gone. My urge is strong, stronger than it is ever been, I feel hopeless and unable to get help, but I have also failed enough in life and the last thing I want to do is fail at ending it too.I used the Lifeline Chat, and I know some people have had bad experiences with both the hotline and the chat, but I do think the person I got was trying to help as best they could, and maybe I will try to use the resources they presented me with to try and get on the road to recovery, I just do not know what that road even is anymore nor where it might take me.I guess the Sticky Notes version of my life is: Grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family. Mom died young, after I graduated, and it messed me up, Dad developed Dementia and I was essentially forced to take care of him with little support until I finally broke down and he had to go to a nursing home. Pretty isolated from the rest of the family with few remaining friends. I was in a good position at work I guess but my life is literally my miserable job then nothing else meaningful and I am finding it harder to tough through my mental blocks and have been missing work, dying up my bank account and am close to homeless. I truly do not know nor understand what exactly is wrong with me. No car (Never learned to actually drive) and have to walk everywhere. Therapy would cost money but juggling therapy with my job so I could afford it seems impractical in my position. Maybe I am just too lazy to make it work? I dunno. I could go on but feel I have rambled long enough.Thanks for reading... Whatever this is. If I had a gun right now, I would be dead.",Suicidal +9069,"I (21,F) am mentally drained I have no idea how long I can keep living it is fucking unbearable. I have been clinically depressed and suffered with a number of different mental illnesses since I was 11. I wish I had died back when I attempted at 14 now it is like a slow death everyday. Tired",Suicidal +9070,"I am so fucking tried. Every time I think I might be having a moderately better day the world just comes and knocks me down about 1000 pegs. I have been working overtime so I have enough money to come out to my parents as trans and not have to worry about their financial support. I got a really decent paycheck last week and I was so excited about it. I was having a good time with my friends this weekend, thinking about the slightly less shitty apartments I could apply too and the laptop I could finally afford to buy and use for jobs I actually like. I had a day off tomorrow that would have been my first day off without any other commitments in a while. I was even kind of thinking about coming out to my dad this weekend. Then my motherfucking paycheck motherfucking bounced. I lost all of that progress in seconds because my dumb cunt shady boss cannot keep his Fucking shit together. And my bank charged ME a fee for it on top of that. I am fucked, I am stuck, there is no digging my way out of this hole. Every slight bit of progress gets wiped away by each new days bullshit. I am so exhausted. I have been deterred in the past because I do not have access to a clean method of suicide and I do not want to go out in a way that inflicts collateral damage on others, but I cannot fucking do this for another day, much less years. I know logically this pain is temporary but I am not strong enough to wait it out. I cannot fucking last another day stuck in a broken, mismatched body living a life that I am too weak and stupid to cope with. Every time I get a little bit of hope its inevitably crushed in ways more painful than ever before and I am so fucking tired of putting myself through that. Even if my suicide is painful or messy or even prolonged, at least its a fucking end. I do not care if it gets better, the wait is not worth it.",Suicidal +9071,I am a mental health nurse. I should be strong and healthy. But I am not coping. I do not think I have anything else to give. One of my patients told me she was jealous of my happyness. Iv gotten so good a faking it. I have no happiness left but I am too terrified of anyone finding out.I over think everything and everyone. I hate myself. Everything about myself. I need help but I am too embarrassed to go. Then I hate myself more and feel ashamed of how pathetic I am.I have alopecia that started from a particularly bad year. A break up and broken nose from a patient amongst other things.I am tired. I want to see people and I want to be alone. I feel bad whatever I do.I am so tired. I do not think I can cope.,Depression +9072,"I will never be ok. I have never been okay a day in my life. 22 long years of hope and hope through all the abuse and trauma and more abuse and it keeps getting worse and worse I am too stupid to just stop my suffering because I am so delusion that I would be so hopeful through all the proof against me that I will be okay some day. The cycle keeps going, I keep wanting to die, I keep crying and clenching my pillow, I keep looking to start a drug addiction to take me out of reality. I wish I could kill myself why am I too retarded to even do that Just crying",Suicidal +9073,i tried last night. i woke up. guess i did not take enough pills. will not make that mistake again tonight. ill try over and over until i get it right. until I am a 15 yr old tragedy. i failed again last night.,Suicidal +9074,"I have been so lucky to work at a job I love, for many years. I have been lucky to keep my job, even though the pandemic, I have sort of got a promotion and a wonderful chance to learn new things. Interacting with my co-workers instantly makes me want to go home and figure out a way to stop existing.They are not loudly toxic, I imagine that its a normal amount of passive aggressive backstabbing and bullshit. The one lady who sits next to me, is ""nice"" and superficially friendly ""mothering"" sort. Who makes passive aggressive comments about me, to the women at the other desk while I can hear her, and has been putting an anchor on the things she is supposed to be showing me. I feel trapped. I have only gotten a few hours of sleep. I just do not want to do life anymore. Interacting with my coworkers makes me suicidal",Suicidal +9075,"I have been regularly cutting back drinking by large increments because I was seriously worried it might kill me if I went good turkey.One if my family members told me that I was more fun and better off drunk. Sober, I get serious and focused. I have a drive to accomplish. I am not much a socialite. When I start drinking I loosen up and become really friendly and outgoing. I absolutely become the life off the party. But I started noticing I was drinking more and more, and eventually I was getting the shakes when I was sober. Shakes, headaches, dark circles under my eyes, irritable, and I had NO coordination sober, I could not motivate myself out of bed unless I knew I could get a drink in my hands immediately because I felt just so God damn awful.Decided to cut back, and cut back, and cut back. Been doing really well. I do not actually remember the last time I had drink, I think it is been about a week now? I do not keep track I just beat myself up Everytime I break and then get right back on the wagon determined to do better.Hearing my family say I was more fun and easier to get along with though when I was drunk cut me deep, real deep. I have since decided I do not need or want them in my life, but hearing another human being say I should resume slowly killing myself because I was more entertaining and easier going. Drinking was killing me",Depression +9076,"Does anyone else have nonstop intrusive thoughts? My brain is nothing but suicidal thoughts, foggy, cannot concentrate, random mush running in the background. I feel extremely numb and depressed all day. I told my parents and they are extremely supportive. I would never hurt myself but how the hell are you supposed to get through this? I just feel so terrible all day and I have these nonstop intrusive urges/thoughts of suicide, death, etc. Its almost long random, strong urges to hurt myself. Seems to be getting worse by the day. Is this fairly normal for depression? It all feels so bad I always think there is something wrong with my brain. My emotions and mood changes 100 times a day. WTF?? My brain will not SHUT THE F*CK UP!",Depression +9077,"I will not know peace until I do it. My life is so bad. People treat me terribly. I have no one, just my family. I have messed my life up so bad its irreversible. I live in immense shame of my failures and lack of accomplishments as a 22 y/o woman. I cannot take it anymore. I am always left out and made fun of. I cannot wait for the pain to go away. I cannot wait to make it go away. I want to kms so bad",Suicidal +9078,"I (28f) am coming off of medications and quitting my copying mechanism of cannabis. I have lost all interest in life. Doing hobbies, hanging out with people, watching tv, hell even mindlessly scrolling on reddit. I just do not have the energy to even care. Iv tried doing things to help me. I looked for places to basketball this morning, but of course I could not find any open courts or just play around on. So that got me down even more. The only thing Iv wanted to do in the past week I could not, and I felt like its such an easy thing. But none of the deck areas around town has courts, and then the gym I was going to sign up for. Literally signing the paper work looking though the window at the court. And the desk girl was like oh btw were going to be closed for a month starting on Friday so of course I was not going to pay for a month that I could not even use. Trying to eat better to give me the nutrients to feel better but I do not even have the energy to pull out the pre made salad I bough at the store. I just want to feel interested in something again and happy and excited to do things. I know this is supposed to be temporary but man it feels so shitty and I am worried habits will form that I cannot break. Of just being a lazy sak Advice on loosing interest",Depression +9079,"Hey kind people, I randomly came across this sub and something hit me. I have been struggling to adjust after moving to a new city for the past few months, wake up tired every morning even if I go to bed early and sleep most of the day when I am not working or have school. I have zero motivation to do anything I used to enjoy. All my future plans and the things I was working hard towards just do not really mean anything anymore I just feel lost as hell and feel like I am in a middle of a life crisis. I had a break up and a year ago and it really affected my self esteem. I start univercity next year but really does not want to go there this miserable because I know it will affect my studies. I was wondering if it is depression because I can count how many times I have been happy the past few months and I really hate how I feel most of the time, I use day dreaming and weed now as a way to escape but every time reality hits harder. Thanks for listening to me ranting! Depression or just unhappiness?",Depression +9080,I am in so much emotional pain and I have no one to talk to. I cannot even talk if I wanted to. I do not see anyway out of this Pain,Depression +9081,"So I am not exactly suicidal but I just do not feel like being alive. I am only 18 and this is my 2nd time going through some serious trama, a few years ago my best friend took her own life and I got help for that but now I got this other type of trama that most do not even consider trama. it is called betral trama, it happens when someone your super close to does something that is unforgivable to you but unlike normal PTSD you have this need to be around them. And it can come from a parent or a relationship, mine is from a relationship. I used to be able to meditate, and when I meditate I sometimes go into sleep paralysis so... Not the best time to have flashbacks everytime. But I am in this pretty constant state of hopelessness to where I am constantly wishing I was not alive but I do not really want to die, and I do not want my ex back but also do even tho I know how toxic and inconsiderate she was. But I am just wondering if anyone has any advice on what I can do to get rid of these feelings because I cannot keep living like this it is been a month and I still have no clue what to do. Idk what to do",Depression +9082,"My emotions, or lack of, scare me. Over the past couple of months I have noticed that I just seem to care less and less. Literally anything could happen to me or around me and I do not know why but nothing seems to make me feel normal emotions. Two events made me super aware of my new emotional numbness. A couple months ago I got into a bad accident with my mother and she was freaking out and crying and I just sat there. I was not scared, or sad, or in shock. I was sitting in a wrecked car ready to continue the trip and move on to the next destination. Then the other time was when my dad was mad at me for something and he yelled at me and told me how disappointed he was and I again just sat there staring at him. Even after he left I just sat there then continued on with what I was doing. I feel like maybe I might be going crazy because of how numb I am sometimes. But at the same time I like being numb because I do not like having to feel. I struggle to have emotions sometimes (a little rant)",Depression +9083,I am a loser of a woman who will never accomplish anything. I wish I was never born,Depression +9084,"I wrote my note yesterday, I told my fiance I was doing it and he said I am using it as a threat (I am not) and I am so tired of doctors and psychs and visits that do nothing. I have my meds in my bathroom cabinet and I am bringing a dress in to put on after I shower (I want to be clean, I have not showered in a week so I need to do that first) I am taking everything I have left and meds I saved. Lexapro, klonopin, adderall, prozac, Xanax, seroquel, wellbutrin, Vyvanse. I broke a glass tonight and I keep doing destructive things and I do not want to just be the problem for everyone anymore. I just needed to say it somewhere, I am sorry I fuck everything up. My friends and family hate me and I understand why. I think tonight is the night",Suicidal +9085,"I am even an outsider in my own family. I try to fit in with friends until it becomes abundantly obvious that I am not really part of the group and they do not care about me,then i leave and try and find a new group. What is so wrong with me that I have never fit in anywhere in my life Always feel like an outsider",Depression +9086,"I still live with my parents and I want to change my major. I am very unhappy with the major i chose. My mom says its too late now and that i must graduate and find a job. I have not given up so I am studying to a very important exam to get accepted in a new major but its so hard to study the whole day and not flunk in the classes that I take in college. I do not have much free time at all.I do not haven many friends, never dated. I am too socially awkward. I gained 10kg in the quarantine. I feel that I am ugly now and that I will die alone and unhappy. Sometimes I think about dying and just wish I was never born. I am 22 and have gotten nowhere.",Depression +9087,"I am angry, and sad, I want to scream, and cry. I want to hurt myself, or break something. I just cannot fucking handle this.I hate the fact that I am STILL waiting on therapy. Originally, I was waiting to hear about scheduling. Then I learned that no counselors could handle my schedule(I work till 7pm mon-Fri). So my supervisor said make it work, no matter what. I opened my schedule, but I think I am not going to hear anything back from them.I just need some way to cope with all these emotions. I want to be able to cope, and I used to think I could, but now that I am getting hit from every direction, I realize all I can do to handle it is break down and hurt myself. I promised I would not do it again, and now I just do not know what to do.I tried watching some YouTube, I tried smoking my vape. I would considering trying to play some games, but I will probably punch my laptop. If I go for a walk, I will end up punching a wall, and will make my work life harder, since I need hands. I even considered writing some poetry, but all that is coming to my head is FUUUCK I want to do something I will regret. cannot even jerk off, because I am porn free now, and if I use my imagination I would probably rip my dick off. So now I am sitting here, numb but feeling all of this at once. I am just scrolling reddit, not even reading the posts. I can barely feel my arms. I am considering going out and getting a 6pack, but I am afraid if I use it to cope once, I will use it to cope over and over again and I will end up a sad, lonely drunk, and then I will actually try to kill myself.I have got nothing right now, I cannot even talk to my friends about this, because there is secrets(not mine) they cannot know. Even if I talked to someone, they would probably not understand and try to twist things around, or argue what actually happened. I do not need that, I just need to feel better. My head is just so fucking noisy",Depression +9088,"I do not get it. I do not get why i feel this way. I have a mom who loves me and who i love to death, a dad that cares about me. A sibling who looks up to me. I am 15 I have been going to therapy since last year.She said i got better, she said my aura had changed, she said i seem happier and that was true for some time but now i do not even know. I do good in school i have 3 friends who love me. Who i told that i hate myself. I am a white middle class girl who lives in a safe town. But yet i find my self crying for no reason. I find myself feeling numb and on the verge of breakdowns when hanging out with friends. I am terrified of death yet I want him to take my hand sooner than he has planned. I lay in bed and stare at my room that my mom begs for me to clean so desperately. She begs me to come downstairs and hangout with her yet i cannot and i feel so guilty for not doing so. My dad cried once because he realized he was too hard on me. I do not eat as much as i used to, a toddler could eat more than me in a day. The clothes on my back get changed when i take a shower which is a disgusting amount of days to some people. I read books wishing i was the main character, i would not have to worry about getting a shitty job that i hate just so i can become another employee to this company we call the you.S. The Earth is dying and there is nothing i can do about it. I want to live life to the fullest before the end but i cannot find myself having the energy or the funds to do so. I do not see a point to life the only thing stopping me is my mom walking in on my dead body. I cannot see my life being worth it in the long run, I cannot see the money my parents spend to feed and attempt to give me joy worth it. I do not get it i really do not get it i do not get why i have mascara stained cheeks right now. i do not get why two people decided to have sex one day. I do not get why I am drowning in my own misery while people have it worse. I remember in school we asked the question if a character in the book was weak or not for committing sucide. Every single person said weak. I do not see myself as a weak person and i do not think anyone who thinks about ending it is weak. I just think they want peace and they are tired. I am tired. Those few minutes of happiness a day are not worth the amount of dread i feel a week. I am young yet I am already exhausted",Depression +9089,"Why? I know my life, my past my feelings and thoughts, I am not even nobody I am nothing I only exist on paper and in my own head, I am just meat that ended its life before it even had the chance to live it.I already look pathetic on the outside, but what is on the inside is on another level. I am a joke I guess, or maybe lost failure sounds better, I am not someone that is worth a thought or a look from someone else, and I get to feel that daily.I already look pathetic on the outside, but what is on the inside is on another level.I am worth- and useless to myself and everyone else (I do not have anyone in my life so idk who everyone is), maybe I am useful for working maybe I am just born to be an work animal.I feel like I am running in circles but more like laying in the circle because I gave up years ago and the circle is more like a pentagram in hell because I feel cursed.I know that what I am saying here and thinking is destroying me more and more, but it cannot get worse.Its stupid this situation this life, and so am I, I did this. I cannot even take myself seriously anymore",Suicidal +9090,"I am Burnt out, please help me find excuses for not doing presentation tomorrow Excuses",Depression +9091,"As a child, I always told myself and people that I would be a French teacher. Not a dream job per se, but one supposedly reachable, right?At the beginning of high school, I decided to learn Swedish and fell completely in love with the language, the culture, the country as a whole. My goal to be a regular French teacher evolved and now I would absolutely love to become a French teacher in Sweden.But it feels doomed to failure and it is seriously eating me up.Why? Well, I stutter and have other speech issues. My stutter is not that terrible unless I am in a stress-inducing situation, there it can get pretty bad. Even worse, I tend to... dissociate (? I do not think this is the right word) after a bad stutter. This is a terrible thing to happen as a teacher, right?I am also anxious, have very low self-esteem and my social batteries run low most the time. What if it is too much work for my apathetic ass? What if I am not good enough? What if students do not like me? What if they make fun of my appearance? Of my stutter?My anxiety sadly comes with scopophobia. I was never able, in school, to stand up and go to the blackboard. I was never able to speak in front of other people. At the end of my second high school year, I had to give a presentation with a girl of my class in front of three unknown teachers. I broke down. The girl, and I thank her wholeheartedly for her kindess and attempt at comfort, had to hug me to calm me down (first time I was hugged or even touched ever since I was ten, when my pet bird died, so this hug really meant a lot to me). Being looked at, or just being noticeable, at best makes me uncomfortable, at worst makes me freak out.How am I supposed to be working as a teacher in those conditions? Am I fucking delusional to consider getting this job?Actually, I thought about working all alone in nature, something like that. Sadly, my academic profile is literature-oriented so I have a hard time finding a formation open to profiles like mine. Places are limited and usually very far from where I live. Either way, I am physically not in shape and have a particularly bad spine (the wonderful aftermath of a fractured vertebra that had to heal on its own...), yet most jobs about nature require to be in pretty good shape.I have seen young adults, usually friends, buy a farm and work together. It would be amazing for me to have this opportunity. But I know no one, I have no training in farm jobs and then again I am physically in not so great shape.This autumn will be my third attempt at completing the first year of Northern studies. I have been trying to complete it ever since 2018 and in 2020-2021 I did nothing of my life. I feel horrible. How am I supposed to get by in life as an adult if I cannot even complete a University year in a study field that I adore?I am such an inconvenience and a disappointment. I feel so sorry for my parents. My life seems doomed to failure.My apologies for the long rant. My life is doomed to failure.",Suicidal +9092,"My body is the part that I dislike the most about myself. It weighs me down. Why do I have to take up space? Its a constant reminder of how clumsy my existance is. I do not feel comfortable in my mind either. Sometimes I feel like I cannot translate my thoughts into words, all that is coming out of my mouth is an echo of my thoughts. I feel imprisoned. I want to get out. I want to disconnect. I want to be free. Feeling like your body is a prison",Depression +9093,"idk i just want to fucking die. i want to run away. please i do not want to commit suicide but i also want to die or just run away from everyone else. ik I am throwing a pity party but i honestly dk what the fuck i do. please let me diei keep on running away i keep on deluding myself but I am tired. even if I am not physically tired, I am mentally tired. i feel so lethargic i feel so pathetic that i just want my existence to cease. and when i open up, i get beat up instead. idk please i just want to die. why am i even alive? i shouldbve just died before then. i should not have been born i should not have survived back then. then maybe i are not even going to experience such horrible things. living is so hard. i was mistake. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I am not worthy. i just want to die. these fucking intrusive thoughts keep on plaguing my mind. it drives me crazy. and when i tell this to them i only end up on getting blamed on. instead, they push me hard down. they let me down. i want help. i really do. but why do i get invalidated instead of getting help? why do you push me so when i reach out of helplessness of myself? do i deserve getting blamed? maybe. but why... just why am i being compared to other people?i hate this. i hate myself. i hate my life. i just want to die. help. can someone help me? i want help but i guess i do not deserve it when all i do is laze around like what they say. do i not deserve help?i searched it up. and the close results were adhd, but then again, i would need diagnosis from a professional. and when i do ask for help by telling them about, i get reprimanded instead. ""its because you are on the phone always"" ""you are too addicted on such worthless things"" ""you do not live on reality"" i know. i fucking know, you do not have to remind me because i already say even worse things to myself than you will ever know. I have already degraded myself on a level that so deep you will be ashamed. why do you have to down me like this? i need your support, your encouragement. not your invalidation, your comparison, everything. BECAUSE I have ALREADY DONE ALL OF THAN IN MY MIND THAT ITS ALREADY DRIVING ME CRAZY. SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ADD GAS TO THE FLAMES??? this is already driving me nuts.i never wanted to be born. :]",Suicidal +9094,"So far I have a referral pending to an outpatient program where I can hopefully get my diagnosis reevaluated. I was originally diagnosed with depression two years ago but that is when I was in a major depressive episode I was depressed for around two years. Now I am realizing that all my life I have been having severe mood swings and sometimes that is what causes me to attempt. I am getting serious about the outpatient program this time and I am making sure to keep a log of all my mood swings and symptoms for an accurate diagnosis. But now, what can I do in the meantime for self care?**here is the story: \[ TRIGGER WARNING \]**Last Thursday I started drinking alcohol around midnight, then woke up in a dissociative state (completely sober) and attempted to hang myself. I tried once and failed, then I cleaned my room for hours before trying again. I called a crisis line and they called me an ambulance.Still in the dissociative state I walked out of the hospital in the gown and no shoes, I got about half way home before someone called the cops on me. I was so detached that I could not feel the pain in my feet. But when I got back to the hospital I realized that my feet were swollen to the size of a melon and I had blood blisters so large I could hardly walk.I have dissociated before but this time it was severe. It looked like in the movies when you see out of a characters eyes (or POV footage) and even now thinking back on it, it does not feel like it was me who walked out of the hospital.I lied and said that I was still drunk when I walked out, and the psychiatrist on duty gave me the option to be admitted or to go home. I chose to go home, and now I am feeling lost, ashamed and embarrassed about what happened. I survived an attempt and was picked up by the cops after walking out of the hospital where do I go from here?",Suicidal +9095,"One day I just want to get a knife and cut and cut and cut my arm apart. I just want to see the blood that will leak out, the numbness with slight pain afterwards. While my consciousness will finally rest and be at peace and I can leave this world I want to rip my arms apart",Depression +9096,I am a 21 yo stupid guy not happy about my look still living with my boring parents. I feel like I did not achieve anything great in my life except attending a good university and being part of an association but I am not brilliant in my studies neither in my relationships. I was a cool guy when I was like 15 but then I changed and I became more and more an introvert and I feel like my parents are the ones to blame although I love them but I have a thought that everyone in this world is the mirror of his parents.So mine are conservative especially my mom she yells a lot she is very stubborn she is the one who decides in everything and that makes me sick my father is the nicest person that I know but he is also so dumb and irresponsible he always says yes to my mom and I feel like he is not like the other fathers like dominant respected fathers he does not have to be tough but at least he got respected from his family and friends which btw he has none maybe few and tbh I feel sorry for him and I am afraid that one day I will become like him that is my biggest fear. I always needed my parents to advice me to support me when I was depressed but they never did and once I told my mom that I really need a therapist she refused to let me go and see one . And for the last years I really needed to see a therapist until now but she never allowed me to do such things she thinks that doctors are thiefs and they are not able to make someone feel better and by time you will be a better person but It just get worse and worse I know you are going to say that I am mean to my parents but that is how I feel about them. What do you think redditors should I go see a therapist? My parents are my big problem,Depression +9097,it is the final countdown. I just lost my one reason to stay alive and i do not know what to do.,Suicidal +9098,Idfk how or when but all I know is soon. I am done,Suicidal +9099,someday in the future not today not tomorrow but eventually it will happen I will drown myself someday in the future,Suicidal +9100,please remember my nameazrieli want to be thought of at least oncethank yougoodnight i might die soon,Suicidal +9101,"I do not know if I have depression or not. What I do know is that feeling the absolute fucking worst about everything and everyone around me happens quite often and never truly goes away. This knowledge that my mind goes to this place so often always stays at the back of my mind and I am always acutely aware of it regardless of whatever else I am doing. I can see it in my own eyes every time I look in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder whether other people see it too, although I would guess not. Because no one checks up on me and the one person that claims to care about me is pretty shitty and inconsistent, although she is the best I have got. I lost all my friends over a year ago and I know they all still talk about me from time to time, which I am not sure if I appreciate or not. In this past year I have met a handful of people, but still feel lonely and could not identify anyone who I would actually call a close friend, nor do I delong to any kind of group of friends. In other words I am lonely. Sometimes I miss my old friends so bad and other times I am glad I do not speak to them for who they have become since then. I think this is around where my problems start but I do not know that for certain either. I am currently living in the worst stage of my life so far and I do not know if I will make it out. I am 19 and only a few years ago I had a clear view of what I wanted my life to turn out like and where it was going to go. It almost feels like all those things are happening and that I am being left behind to build my own new path brick by brick, and I am all out if bricks. My head feels like a dull, dense boring grey rock with nothing going in or out and nothing ever changing. I do not have access to weapons in my country but if I had a gun in my home, I would point it under my chin without hesitation, and seriously consider stopping this mess right there and then. I just feel like my head is a big grey rock with no individuality or sensitivity",Depression +9102,"I am sure we all are repeating the same daily routine and bad habits over and over. Life just do not hit the same as you grow older, being forced to work a mentally and physically exhausting job just to survive. Either that or grind out of it which many few manage to actually achieve.I appreciate life and its potential alot but this just is not for me. I have wasted the most important years of my life tryna get it right only to no avail.I got lucky back in march with crypto and reached the highest highs and now I am experiencing the lowest lows. Cryptos the only way out of this rat race for me but i do not think i can wait years for its full potential. If it was not for Crypto i probably would of ended up killing myself back in March or April but idc about that now.Just tired of being so tired and sorry if it sounds like I am moaning but I am just tired of everything. Not having the energy or drive to break the cycle",Depression +9103,"I have suffered from serve anxiety ever since I was 17 years old and I was diagnosed with depression once when I was 18 and I somehow managed to beat it back then. Anxiety never left me, it is been there ever since but I learned how to manage it. Now I am 23 years old, trying to get out of my parents' shelter. Unlike a lot of people here, I believe my problem is not with myself but the people in general. You might say that statement in simple words just means ""I have a problem with myself"" but I do not believe that anymore. I have not had a lot dark thoughts during these past 5 years but now it seems they are back. I have been contemplating suicide a lot lately. The only thing that holds me back is my family. I do not want to hurt my parents and my younger siblings because I know that would be devastating to them.I am ashamed at myself because I should be making my parents proud and be a good role model to my siblings and not be a crybaby on this subreddit but here I am. I feel hopeless. I lost some good friends, I hardly had any relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. I was cheated on and I was betrayed by people, even best friends I considered as brothers. it is like everything has happened to me, what is left?! I got in conclusion that this world is full of egoism, narcissism and cinism. I think trying to be a good person never works here. This world is full of hate and full of people whose only intention is to fucking destroy other people. I think there is nothing left for me here, absolutely nothing. Why keep living in such circumstances? Why live among these people? I feel such a stranger to everyone. I am tired. I am so tired of holding on. I am so tired of keeping these things inside. I am so tired of hanging around people acting like I am not crying every night and day. it is been two goddamn months, it is not leaving. I need to see a bright day for once ffs, this is cruel. I am tired",Suicidal +9104,"i genuinely cannot wrap my head around the fact that suicide is bad. why do people put on such a facade of caring for others. it does not make sense to me, why is it a bad thing to end suffering? why is suicide seen as such a bad thing?",Suicidal +9105,"As I look back on my life, I get overwhelmed, overwhelmed to the point that I feel there is no point in trying, I am only 22, I could have been perfectly fine if I would have followed through what was in my face at the time it was in my face, this is all on me literally I spiraled down and I chose my own path, heavy self improvement on the way I suck",Depression +9106,I cannot fuckin do it. I cannot s but I cannot live I just do not want to be here anymore please tf do I do Please no more,Suicidal +9107,"I literally cannot live without him. If I were stuck with myself, by myself I will not make it. I am a complete mess and I cannot handle myself. I do not want to. I need him, he keeps me somewhat sane and sober. Without him I do not want to live. I know because when he almost broke up with me I was just about to jump out the window before he caught me. That was almost the end if he had not saved me. I am really scared. I am a horrible mess who in their right mind will stay with me. And when he does leave me it is over. I am scared. Can anyone relate? When my boyfriend is going to leave me I will kill myself",Suicidal +9108,"you are thinking, ""wow, she is shallow as hell."" Or my personal favorite,, "" you do not need men. Screw them."" Which is so predictable, but completely false and quantitatively unhelpful.I have wanted to die since I was 10. I am 30 now and the feelings have not gone away. They only keep getting worse.As a little girl growing up, I thought I could be happy even if I was not pretty. I wanted to know that the TV shows and movies did not lie to me, and that I would have boyfriends, and go to parties, and get fucked at prom. I wanted to know I would get married one day, and have babies. I just wanted to be normal. But I learned very early, very quickly that I would never have those experiences. I got told my ears and eyes were too big. I was told ""dresses are for pretty girls, you can wear shorts."" l got told no one would ever want to date me, but at least I was skinny. I got told I should probably just kill herself because unattractive people do not end up happy. I was not even 10 yet, just that little girl. Then that little girl started to grow up. And everything they said was true. No one wanted to date me. No one wanted to talk to me. No one wanted to fuck me. I was ignored. Completely invisible. I did not get asked to dances. I did not get asked to prom. I had to go to war with a teacher who tried to fail me for no other reason accept the one he finally admitted to, ""I just do not like the way you look."" I am just not pretty. I know that. People made that very clear. Since I was not pretty, I had to become smart. I had no choice. The only problem with that was I was smart enough to realize how miserable I was. How much pain I was in with nowhere to put it. She was smart enough to go to college. Where everyone gets porked and finds their partner right? Wrong. That girl was told at the only party she was allowed into that she was too ugly to be raped. That girl was excluded from going to parties after that. People invited that girls' roommates to go out and do things RIGHT IN FRONT of her and excluded her. That girl was fired for being too ugly to work at the school. That girl was told she should just become a nun since she was never going to be able to find anyone to fuck her. That girl finally made her first attempt when she was 19. Which she failed, miserably. She tried again at 20. Again, another failure.That girl, now a woman, understands why men do not want her. she is understood her whole life and has been forced to just accept it. She understands that she will be alone for the rest of her life. She could shorten that life of course. She could make the pain stop. Would it be worth it? Just to make the memories stop? To not have to endure the future of more pain? What the hell...why not? New here and after reading some of your stories, I thought I would take a stab at telling a little bit of mine. I will start with the easy stuff: I am not pretty, and that is why I want to kill myself.",Suicidal +9109,"# I have suffered from serve anxiety ever since I was 17 years old and I was diagnosed with depression once when I was 18 and I somehow managed to beat it back then. Anxiety never left me, it is been there ever since but I learned how to manage it. # Now I am 23 years old, trying to get out of my parents' shelter. Unlike a lot of people here, I believe my problem is not with myself but the people in general. You might say that statement in simple words just means ""I have a problem with myself"" but I do not believe that anymore. I have not had a lot dark thoughts during these past 5 years but now it seems they are back. I have been contemplating suicide a lot lately. The only thing that holds me back is my family. I do not want to hurt my parents and my younger siblings because I know that would be devastating to them.I am ashamed at myself because I should be making my parents proud and be a good role model to my siblings and not be a crybaby on this subreddit but here I am. I feel hopeless. I lost some good friends, I hardly had any relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. I was cheated on and I was betrayed by people, even best friends I considered as brothers. it is like everything has happened to me, what is left?! I got in conclusion that this world is full of egoism, narcissism and cinism. I think trying to be a good person never works here. This world is full of hate and full of people whose only intention is to fucking destroy other people. Everything is meaningless. I think there is nothing left for me here, absolutely nothing. Why keep living in such circumstances? Why live among these people? I feel such a stranger to everyone. I am tired. I am so tired of holding on. I am so tired of keeping these things inside. I am so tired of hanging around people acting like I am not crying every night and day. it is been two goddamn months, it is not leaving. I need to see a bright day for once ffs, this is cruel. TIRED",Depression +9110,I am curious about how/if it works. Thoughts on gene testing,Depression +9111,Imma about to grab a knife and go upstairs to sleep deciding when I am about to slice my veins or just few hitting strikes i had enough cannot handle this painful pain,Suicidal +9112,I am 17 M have lost all faith in anything better coming in my life. My whole life my family just seems to attract abusive pieces of shit who do nothing but torment me in every way. I always expected there to be some repercussions for their actions towards no they always get way free. Me getting my head beat in me getting molested no one ever help's. People tell me evil never wins its a lie all it ever does is win. I hate the hand i have been dealt i hate how my dad did not want to accept me as his and abandon me. I hate christianity for the terrible brainwashing and abuse it put me through. I fell like there is no hope i have lost all faith no light at the end of the tunnel. I am considering overdosing on datura. I am so sick of evil winning in my life.,Suicidal +9113,"I wish I was not here but at the same time, even how bad it gets, I can not make myself end it all. Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I actually do not want to end it. Maybe I just want to see where this all goes. At the same time feeling like this is all for nothing or/and worthless. Is it really all there is to life? Just a routine of wanting to stop the routine but being too much of a coward or just seeing where this takes me. I do not get it. Its seems pointless on trying to get it anymore. Maybe some day Ill stop being afraid or lose the idea that this, at some point, should get better, atleast that is what everyone is saying. But i do not think it gets better. Maybe id just stop caring about everything so there is nothing to be i guess sad or feel empty about. that is maybe when it gets better. Somehow it does not feel worth the wait and stopping the routine earlier feels more natural. Why live when it amounts to nothing. What is this all worth",Suicidal +9114,"Or it might just be ""really bad"" self harm/ a fail. Honestly tho do not the positives of trying outweigh the negatives of not trying? If I fail I think I can try again. Even if it means I am cut off of life support eventually cos I know my mum is not going to do it but my brother might after my mum dies. If I can move and am conscious but with damage might be easier or harder to suicide. But maybe it is possible It might be today",Suicidal +9115,"Never imagined posting something publicly on the internet. My depression started in my early childhood. In my family I was an unnecessary child. My twin sister always got the love from both of my parents. I swear my parents never even said ""I love you"" to me all I ever heard was ""why cannot you learn from your sister"". Even in their last day before they all died in a car crash while driving my sister to her dance lesson I remember my mothers last words were ""why do you keep wasting our time you will never achieve anything in your life"" when I accidently hit my sister with a ball while playing with our dog. After that I got adopted and my foster parents did not really care about me they just did that because they got paid for it. I was lucky to get to keep my dog because she was the only thing I had left. In school I never really had any friends I only had 1 sided friendships where I thought I had a friend but the other person did not think of me as his friend. I also got bullied in school for being adopted and being ugly. After 2 years of being adopted my dog started shaking weirdly and it was because of water in lungs some form of cancer or something I do not even know now but my foster parents took my dog away so she would not have to suffer from her incurable disease. I swear the day my dog died was the last time I had smiled in my life and it was 16 years ago. I work at a furniture factory because I was to depressed to keep studying. I worked hard everyday and then spent the rest of the day doing nothing. My apartment is always a mess because I never had a true friend that is why I never really worried about cleaning up. I always tried finding a friend during school years but I either got ignored or I became ""friends"" with people who just made me walk with them like a dog because they never talked to me and ignored my questions if I did not ask it like 10 times. People in work seem to avoid me as well but I am used to it since school years. I am now stuck in an endless cycle between work and home.The only thing I have ever wished in my life was to be loved atleast once by someone who understands me who would make me smile once more and would not ignore me like everyone else who think so fucking high of themselves. Writing this made me tear up a lot reminding me how shit life is and that the only way to fix it is by ending it. Every step I take leads me closer to suicide.",Suicidal +9116,"My friends and I used to hangout and have fun. Now its just boring. We sit at their apartment and literally do nothing. I know I am going to be told to pull my own weight and come up with something fun for us to do or spark up a conversation. I have been their tried that, does not work. I am coming here because its honestly sad and I am just losing my interest. Maybe I should move on and get other friends the problem is we live in a very small town and there really is not many people. I do like going to my aunts house though she is awsome and I go there quite frequently. So maybe Ill just ditch the friends and go see her more and more often. I just wanted to see other peoples take on this. I do not know if I am the only one with this problem or not but well see. The spark though with hanging out with my friends is not there anymore. Ill be sitting there wanting to talk but then I stop my self because it is not worth it anymore. Their usually on their phones and its just the same old shit different day. I hangout with them maybe like once every two weeks. It used to be more. They usually ask me to hangout more than that but I say I cannot because I do not really want to because its going to be the same shit every time. I do not hate them and some of them I have know for like 10 years but it just is not the same anymore. My friends are boring and I have lost interest",Depression +9117,"I have made a list of the pros and cons of me ending my life and the cons heavily outweigh the pros. However, I am having an extremely difficult time today. I have been crying all day and I just feel so tired of everything. I know that I cannot give up now but the idea is so tempting. I am contemplating calling the suicide hotline but I am not even sure what I would say. I have struggled with mental health my entire life. But honestly I do not get these suicidal thoughts and temptations that much. So when I do it feels like a very good idea. Which makes me very worried. I am not sure what I am asking for. I guess to everyone reading this, this stuff is so hard. I hope we all end up okay. I do not know what else to say. I hope we all find a reason to not do it. I do not know what I should do anymore",Suicidal +9118,"I am sorry I am so irritable, i really cannot help it. I have been on my last straw for a long time so now whenever small inconveniences happen i cannot help but blow a fuse. last straw",Suicidal +9119,"I am sorry for this wall of text. I thought I was over getting triggered by things. Apparently not. Staying at my nans house again was fucking awful and I saw some shit that was just too fucking relatable. My parents get mad at me when my rooms a mess but I just do not have the energy to clean it. I do not want to get out of bed anymore but I have no choice. I am so tired of everything, and I am pissed off at myself for being tired of my friends. they are all lovely people I do not know why I should be tired of them. I just want school to start so I have something to do again. I have been off for at least three months now and I still have another one left. Its fuckin agony. I just want to kill myself but there is so much shit stopping me and I hate it. But if guns were fucking legal I would not be here right now ig. I am sorry for ranting. Idk anymore",Suicidal +9120,So I have been thinking about this for 'bout 2 years now and since approximately 6 years or so I cannot get sad anymore. Of course I tried to search for it in the internet already but the only causes I could find were things like trauma which I certainly do not have. Thank you for your potential reply cannot be sad?,Depression +9121,"My parents are not going to help me now. I have 3 pill bottles in front of me and if I take them all, I will not be here anymore. I am tired and if I live, my life will never mean anything to me. I just wanted to get better but no one believes me not even my psychiatrist nor my doctor or my teachers. Even my parents do not believe me. My life is ruined. I tried drugs to get past thoses ideas but it always comes back. I do not want anything to do with this world. Please, if you read this, do not ruin your life like me. I cannot stay here for long",Suicidal +9122,"30 years old. Father of two, one who does not see me, nor does he care about me. The other I care for full time. Two years old and perfect in every possible way. Partner for 3 going on 4 years. Maybe its a early life crisis, or just a wobble. But the thoughts of being dead to better those I care about often wanders into my mind. By often I mean multiple times a day. An extreme feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy, not doing enough, cannot be relied upon, not ambitious enough, I could go on for hours.I cannot shift the feeling of my partner looking for an out, I am now starting to believe my demise may be that out. Deep down I can feel all I truly want is to be wanted. Loved unconditionally and intimately. I want to be successful and strong in the eyes of those who matter. How do you do that, when all you know of yourself and what you are constantly reminded of is how inadequate your existing is. If my son was not here, Id definitely be dead by now.",Suicidal +9123,I took a lot of some pillsIm scared I just overdosed,Suicidal +9124,Can you share what your indicators are that an episode is coming? Can you feel when a depressive episode is coming on? Is it gradual or sudden for you usually?,Depression +9125,"I relocated for my graduate scheme with my fiance, I have no friends here. My only 2 best friends live a while away and are busy. My university friends take no interest in me and have their own lives now. Work makes me anxious and lonely. I feel trapped in an endless loop of work- home- sleep repeat and my life feels pointless with no accomplishments. I have my fiance whom i adore, but he struggles too with depression so its hard to discuss together. I worry we will end up breaking up because of our mental health or because sometimes it just happens, but we have a new puppy together, a mortgage and are getting married in a few years. I do not want to be alone forever and I love him, but still the worry keeps me up at night that one day I could wake up and it will all be gone.I just think I am too weird or anxious to make friends, I feel like a loser and see mutuals posting on socials with their friends all the time, makes me wonder why I cannot have that.No point to the post- just a word vomit situation. Friendless",Depression +9126,"I hit my mum today, for the first time in a long time. She did not deserve it, she never has ever deserved it. I hate myself for the way I have treated her and I wish I could go back and fix everything I have destroyed. People say things to me, or provoke me when I am already feeling low and it causes me to fly off the handle, and I emerge into someone that I despise. After these episodes I often think about ending my life, I do not think I have the guts to. Unless one day I badly hurt someone out of anger, because the guilt would consume me. Sometimes I cut myself after these episodes because it seems fair, but there is only so much that can do. My mum is a lovely caring woman, and everyone in her life treats her like shit including me and I am stuck in this cycle that I do not know how to change. I need help I have fucked up my life.",Suicidal +9127,"I am not looking for sympathy or kind words. I just need to briefly open the vent that I so frequently forget is closed.Have you ever seen one of those charity coin spiral devices? You would put a coin in, and watch as it spirals down. It would go slowly at first, then pick up speed as the circumference becomes smaller and smaller, until an audible chink, and then silence. It reminds me of a black hole - a one way journey to the centre. Well I am somewhere on that spiral, maybe not at the bottom, but far from the top, and past the event horizon from where no matter returns. I guess in a sense we are all on that spiral, but I feel much further down than I should be at this point. As I sit at home on my computer, slowly deteriorating, having been to therapy twice and both times removed from the service for missing appointments, all that was interesting or exciting is blown away by the most gentle of winds, and all that remains is an empty she will of what once was. I am, by choice, disconnected from society, and I despise the human race and the brutal foundations it so delicately rests upon. I have problems with my stomach which mean I have such little energy that everything feels like a lot of effort, and I am in pain most days. The doctors cannot find anything wrong, and I have given up trying to find an answer or a cure. I loathe everything about myself, and by everything I really do mean e v e r y t h i n g! From the way I look, to the way I interact with people, to every nuance that defines who I am - an incomprehensible number of variables. As I do not like interacting with people anymore, and having largely withdrawn from society, I have also begun to neglect my hygiene and my health. Every day feels like groundhog day - waking up and maintaining myself for nothing, just to live another day in pain, a pointless expense of energy which I can no longer afford. Many days now I eat one meal per day, and struggle to find the energy or will to have a shower and take care of myself. I am beginning to be able to describe myself as Christian Bale from 'The Machinist', but less productive - at least Christian goes to work every day and forms some type of relationships. I eat when my stomach allows me to, I sleep when I pass out from tiredness, I wake when the birds become too loud to ignore, and I leave the house when absolutely necessary. I feel sorry for anyone that I befriend, as I know I will lose interest eventually, have an episode where I do not want to talk to anyone, and will inevitably just stop talking to them altogether, so I have stopped making new friends as it is not fair on them. I infrequently talk to the one or two I still have, and make excuses often for why ""I cannot talk today"". I struggle to make long term goals as I do not see myself being here long term. When I think into the future, I see a make-believe fantasy of what could never exist, nothing even remotely tangible given reality as it is precursor, and so I prolong my existence with video games and make-believe - a distraction, a way to delay the inevitable. But as soon as I exit the video game, the day dream, the false fantasy, and remove the veil of distraction, I am thrown back into and reminded of the world in which I am expected to be happy, in which I am expected to be grateful, a world that I am expected to enjoy, but do not. Every day I see the spiral steepening, and feel my speed towards the centre increasing. I am not sure when the slope of the spiral will become to steep to maintain my spin and drop me into the darkness of the unknown, but I am slipping. A Spiral Into The Inevitable",Depression +9128,there is no hope for me to be a normal successful and happy adult. I have lost my friends because of my clinginess and guys only ever use me for my body so my love life is shit. I am a worthless person and I am sick of everyone ditching me like I am a piece of trash I have given up hope,Suicidal +9129,"earlier this evening my mom had a stroke her memory was all around the place she collapsed and her arm was not able to move,my mom is so special to me she is been helping me with life and I have recently just came out as trans to her she was so accepting i love her so much my moms life has not been easy at all 2 of my siblings are in foster and she is had cancer and numerous bad relationships i just want her to see me flourish and i want to see her more she is my only parent who understands and helps me i sound so selfish but she was the only person i was hanging on to and now that she may die I am afraid of what ill do to myself I am lucky for the time I have had with her she was expected to pass 4 years ago i really do not want to live with out her it will devastate my family and it will be a constant reminder the most lovely person in the world has been taken away when her voice is not there I just got the news my moms tumour is back and i have no clue how to handle myself",Depression +9130,"I have only been working at this place for a week and a half, but during and after work I am wanting to hang myself or jump off the nearest overpass. I was struggling with this same issue while i was in the Army. I mostly has to do with pass trauma and my ADHD, i had meds but since i tried to over dose on them they took them away and threw any i had left away. I have was enrolled in a psych ward over in Germany and it was a pretty good experience to take my mind off things. But now that I am back in the states I am worried on how the hospitals over here are like. The just seem to be recurring no matter what i do, I have been trying since i was 7 but i never really stopped. While i was overseas i was diagnosed with Major Depression and ADHD and have not really found a way to handle it besides dying. Anyways, i was told to resign from the job but ill still get my paycheck, so i will not have to worry about bills for a little bit till i find another job.P.S. if anyone knows a less stressful job that i could look into that would be much appreciated. Just tried hanging myself at work today",Suicidal +9131,Ok maybe I am being stupid here but I feel like no one really gets it. I lay in bed all day everyday without a job or anything to do. My friends are also depressed but like I see such a huge difference in their life and mine. They go to work and school and are not constantly thinking of ways to die. Maybe its just me but does anyone else feel like people just do not understand and that I am just beyond hope. Thanks for reading my rant. Depresion,Depression +9132,"Made homemade burritos for the first time in a long time. I had it all planned out and my kitchen gets super hot so I was sweating the whole time. Only to find at the end, my skillet is too shallow to strain the grease from the beef which that must have been some REALLY high fat meat. It did not dawn on me until about 5 minutes ago I could have just used a paper towel to strain off the grease.The nacho cheese sauce I decided to buy ended up overpowering my seasonings and completely overshadowed everything except the oil in the beef.So you could not taste the baby spinach, the rice, the tomatoes, the onion, nothing. Just nacho cheese sauce and oil. It was not bad, but it really made me feel incompetent. You know, I have been studying and studying on how to cook and season stuff properly and what seasons work well with others. Like for this, it was onion powder, chili powder, ground cumin and salt and pepper. could not taste any of it.For the refried beans, I also got some green chili sauce with lime, figuring it would really jazz up the flavors in the beef as you bit down. Topped with the rice, nacho cheese sauce, Colby cheese shredded, tomatoes and baby spinach on top to keep it away from the heat so it would not wilt and get that sort of really strong iron taste.I put a LOT of thought into this and it just ends up turning out meh. It was barely distinguishable from the likes of Taco Bell. I sweat my ass off in that kitchen and I put in all that work for that...it is depressing to me, i know that may be stupid but I genuinely tried. I have got a few lessons from it though so, I might try it again in the future. But for now it just kind of sits in my head and my fridge because it is just bleh Ick...",Depression +9133,"i lost my virginity to my ex, i thought it would make him come back but i was wrong i regret it so much and my whole family knows and everyone makes fun of me for it and they make me feel so worthless. i know what i did was not okay or smart. i just want a break. I have been turning to drugs. I have been harming myself why does not anybody notice? i cannot stop my addiction it just gets worse and worse. why does not anybody care",Suicidal +9134,"I am not just doing this for shits and giggles. I am in mental anguish daily. I am extremely weak and vulnerable. I am not capable of dealing with this stress on my own but I am anyway. I am a teenager. I am not capable of going though a court process like this but I have to. If I lose my shit I am in danger of not getting a favourable result. Getting a favourable result is the only way I can stay alive, staying alive/functional is the only way I can get a favourable result. I should be in a mental hospital. This is the only way through. I am not in control of my own medical decisions. I am not capable of dealing with this rage. I am fucking drowning and it gets worse everyday. My problem is existential but it is not being treated as such. Where the fuck do I put this rage. I am stronger and weaker than everyone my age. I will become strong after this and reimburse those helping me. I wish I was stronger NOW but NOW I have to go through this in order to become stronger. I feel I am facing the most difficult thing in the universe. I am venting",Suicidal +9135,"i made a snap story with my favorite people with text that said:if you are on this story i love you, thank you for everything you have done for me. i know I am not great at expressing my appreciation for people all the time, but thank you for everything. its been a hard fight recently and you all have helped so much.its lowkey enough that i do not think anyone will catch on, but a reminder that i love them. i do not know why I am posting this here, just to rant i guess. i sent out my note",Suicidal +9136,"I did it, I successfully pushed away everyone, absolutely everyone, the one I love, my friends, my family, have not spoken to anyone in months.Barely said 2 words to the ppl I live with, I work 10-7, shower, sleep, and repeat over and over. I do not remember if I ate most days. I have not found joy in the things I used to love, I have not smiled or laughed, and I am actually okay with that.If I am not around, I cannot hurt them right? Lay me down in a bed of roses",Depression +9137,"So... I never anticipated or expected myself to find myself in a place like this. But since I do not have anybody else to talk to I might aswel vent here before I decide to off myself. &#x200B;So today I lost my job. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming from miles away but on the other hand, I wish it did not happen or atleast I would wish to be able to turn back time to prevent some things from happening. But we do not have such a thing, so my life is fucked either way.So, the first week of 2020 I gave up a deadbeat, no life job for something promising, something with a future. Raised out of a family where such a thing is an impossibility, I could have atleast try. Everything was fine, I loved the job, It was physical, it was a challenge, I felt... Happy. 3 months later, I find myself in hospital. I broke my ankle at my job. Again, in hindsight, my fucking mistake. I twisted my ankle at a location where it happened once shortly before, but a donkey does not hit the same rock twice in a row right? Right. I spend 2 months in a cast, longer than what was expected and another month out of the cast before I could even attempt going to work. That should have raised an alarm bell. I wanted to go back to work, so I went earlier than what was recommended. And such, I went to work; They gave me adjusted work, essentially I had to sit in an office like space, controling valves, pumps and monitors. But no matter what I did, how patient my boss was the pain endured. And weeks of adjusted work became months, months turned into a year. The pain stayed the same to the cost of several different treatments. Every step I take on that foot is the same as getting stabbed. Even when I did not stand on it for 4 hours, 10 minutes of walking made the pain come back, 50x worse than it was before. And as my inactivity began to extend, so did my weight. And in the meantime, gossip & bullying started to become a regular occurence. To the point where the bullies claimed I did not deserve a lunch break, or that I am doing nothing but sit on my ass an entire day... I had multiple talks about it, every time the promise of betterment was made. But every time, the bullying became worse. My mental state began to decline. Up to the point where I left half an hour earlier because I could not take the abuse no more and told my boss how I felt. And so, I was brought up for a final conversation. I could not even defend myself this time. ""it is time to let you go"", and was ordered to give everything back, from keys to badge... &#x200B;This job was all I had. it was my jumpstart to a better life, a one time opportunity that was wasted because of a fucking accident that dominated my entire career. And it is all my fault. If I was not fat, my ankle could heal properly. If I did not show anger and frustration all the time, I could have kept my job.If I was not honest about how I felt, I could have kept my job. At home, I have nothing, nobody. Because of Corona, all my friendships watered down to the point where they did not reply back. Work was all I had. And now I do not have anything. Nobody to talk to, nobody to vent to. Alone, at the age of 26. Sad fuck. For years I have felt miserable but it was do-able, manageable even. But now I feel worse than that. A sorrow that drowns me out with no sign of ever getting better, not to mention the physical pain I have at the moment. I cannot take it no more... If I was not this ugly blob of meat I could have had somebody to support me right now. I am going to OD myself on both pain, antidepressants and alchohol later this week and pray it works. I am just going to make some arrangements until then. &#x200B;I just wanted to share my story for the record. Even though it is vague and incomplete. Alright, so... I lost my job today and now I got nothing left.",Suicidal +9138,"Hi all, I relate deeply to a lot of the posts I see on this page and I would like to offer some encouragement.There was a long period of time where I was in complete isolation and the pandemic further isolated me. I turned to negative things to cope with the depression and loneliness like mind-numbing television, alcohol, and hanging out with people that were toxic for me due to the fear of being alone.After years of therapy and growth, I wanted to share some words of encouragement for all my lonely hearts out there <3* Being afraid of being alone is totally normal.* The reason you may feel so alone is because you are not sharing with anyone your feelings. You are not being seen/heard in the way you need to be seen/heard. I hope this post helps you connect in some way to know that you are not alone and many others have gone through the same/similar thing.* Growing love and respect for someone else requires time spent with that person. Over time, you may fall in love or grow great respect for people that show you who they are, what they value, how they talk/act, etc. what is the difference between that and growing self-love & self-respect? You must spend that time with yourself to grow that love and respect for yourself. Alone time can be seen as an opportunity if we look at it this way.* To feel less alone, meditating for 5 minutes a day, journaling, and shadow work exercises can help you. A shadow work exercise that really helped me (that I learned through my spiritual journey/therapy) is to look at yourself in a mirror and ask yourself questions - you will be surprised what comes out.* Start some hobbies, anything and everything that you can afford to do. If it ends up flopping, that is okay. You can move onto the next thing and remember, you have time.* Over time, you will hopefully realize that time alone gives you the opportunity to do what you want, recharge, and protect your energy from people.* We are quick to defend others when they are talking negatively about themselves e.g. your friend says ""I am so ugly"" or ""I am so fat"" or ""I am so worthless"" - we immediately tell them they are not and give them a plethora of compliments to negate it. But when we are doing negative self-talk, we just feed into that and feed into that. You must be kind to yourself, you must defend yourself. Tell yourself you are having a bad day and know that it will get better.These are just some things that have helped me along my journey of feeling very lonely. I hope some of these things help you <3TLDR; I have a YouTube video regarding these topics that I go into further. In my video, first I tell you my story, then I go into the pros/benefits of spending time alone, and then I finish with some friendly suggestions on what you can do alone. You can find my video by searching ""kelly guidance how to stop feeling alone spiritual chat.""You are never alone. I am sending you all so much love and light. Remember to always be kind to yourself and others. One day at a time. Friendly suggestions for anyone who feels alone <3",Depression +9139,"Anything to make it bearable. I have tried killing myself before many times and want to kill myself soon but now I am looking for a reason to live, a reason or way to make life bearable until I can solve my problems (which I really really cannot right now)...I have no friends, I cannot enjoy my hobbies, its not even bearable anymore and I am desperately looking for something to make it bearable instead of killing myself. I need a reason to live, any reason",Suicidal +9140,"First of all I am not the best Englisch writing Person and a little bit drunk. I grow up with my mom and dad til the divorce MY DAD: was an ex robber / drug dealer and abusive men he was always in the mood to fight somebody and break them something also he was abusive to my mother. My mother on the other side was and is an depressive alcoholic and drinks every night till she is at least tippsy of drunk.She screamed at me when I was a kid til I was 15 or 16, like every day since I was in school, but never was abussive in a physically way besides she throw something at me sometimes. When she yelled at me it was not that normal yell what a parent does when you did something stupid it was pure evil hatred anger in her voice and when I started crying as a result she often said oh you going to cry again or I have you do not stop crying i Drag you on the hairs to the school tomorrow one day she said why do I have to be the one with such a stupid son but she sad it in such a way That I felt just cold I do not even know how I should have respondet to that.Also I have a unprocessed trauma because After the divorce I had to stay by my father every second weekend.And after one time I had to picked up in the first night as my mother came she saw the whole desk was full of drugs and after that night I couldt sleep alone and cryied every night i did not want to eat and did not want to draw ( I really liked to draw before). Til this day I do not know what Happend this night. ( could be normal abuse because I know when he hit me did not happed often maybe one or two times) School was also awfull because I was bullied for over 4 years straight and never had the streight to fight back, because I know when I got home my mother would be angry at me to for no reason. It was bullied with abuse from not only my classmates but also from other classes people to. Then I got a really bad lung disease and almost died and I was ready to die at this Point. But I managed to survive it couldt walk after that because all my muscles were gone and had to learn how to walk again and I am really thankful for that I am managed to survive it but there are days were I wish I had died at this point even said it a few times out loud when the pressure is to high in certain situations. There were many things that are to intim to tell or I have forgotten about but I do not want you guys to have to read to much. Today. I play the role of the funny guy many woman would also guess I am a fuckboy but I hate myself so Much I am also really insecure I. My story just wanted to share with someone anonymously",Depression +9141,"Trust me I know a lot of what you all are feeling. I have been wanting to end it for the longest time. Especially since 2016. I am sorry we all have to be in so much pain. I hope it gets better for all of us. This world sucks. PeopleSuck, friends, gf/bf, fwb, family. let us try to make the best of it and see another day. Its all we can do. I am sorry",Suicidal +9142,Anyone else even tortured them n their dreams? Even my dreams are all. Depressing shit Hey,Depression +9143,"Imagine if you wanted to die, and you could just swap lives with someone instead. Maybe a 89 year old or a 5 year old. would not that be weird? is not it odd how some of the of us try so hard to die while others are doing everything they can to survive? Imagine if you could donate your life.",Depression +9144,"I do not know how to express my thoughts and feelings without feeling like an idiot, I have programmed myself to never feel externally as a means of survival, I have a solid exterior but inside I am torn to pieces.During my childhood, I constantly moved around, going to different schools, cities, I was never able to settle because my mother is a hardcore alcoholic, running from any responsibility.I used to come back from primary school and walk in on my mother passed out. I used to sit and entertain myself for hours in a silent, life less home.I used to worry about bills, electricity and food before I would even hit my teenage years. I had to walk my mother to the shop, whilst she leant her entire weight upon my shoulder, we would stagger there, day or night just so she could get her drink.When I went to school, I could not relate to the other kids, I could not laugh with them, I did not watch the same programs or like the same things, I did not have any siblings, a father, I had no guidance.During my teens, I used to jump into relationships with girls, but I was never stable enough to hold it down. I would go to school and fight the other kids, distract them in class. I was full of anger and resentment. I did not feel understood, my teachers called me names, made an example out of what not to be. I was the disruptive naughty kid. I was given detentions, put on report, constantly punished.I would come home to the same cycle, my mother passed out, or mentally checked out. Her pupils would change when she was drunk, I would know my mother was gone.Now I am 22 years old, still living with my mother, stuck in a shit hole city. I somehow managed to get a degree, determined to fight against the hand I would been dealt.I have been through waves of acceptance, anger, depression. It never truly goes away.My mother stopped drinking, supposedly found spirituality and detached from her ego. I thought she was healing, I was so proud of her and for once my home started to feel safe...I told her I think I aced a job interview today.. She started telling me all of the negatives. ""The areas not safe, people there will hurt you."" ""You will not like it it will be boring."" ""you are bad at maths, you will not be able to do it.""I have a solid exterior, I am a fully grown man now, I am tall, broad, the one thing my father gave me was good genes. I am capable, I am strong, intelligent. I have held down jobs in the past, I was a manager before I went to university.Tonight I ask her to not be so negative, I ask her why she cannot just be happy and support me for trying to better my life.. she tells me that she has done her 18 years of service to me. She says I am holding onto the energy of the past, that it is time to move on.. She tells me I should leave the house if I hate her so much.. She tells me I am selfish, a narc, that I hold her past I have her head out of spite..I am sitting here feeling pain, I feel alone, there is nobody in this world who truly has my back but me, there is nobody to pull me out of the gutter when I am in need.. There is nobody there who will truly help me..I feel so jealous of people who were raised in a loving environment. I watch people I went to school with living life, driving, living independently.. Here I am, barely able to make enough to pay off my debts, let alone save enough to leave.. The rent in my city is insane.I tried supported housing for 6 months, but living around a house full of people with hardcore drug issues made me feel like I was still at home.. People trying to come into my room.. Dirt and grime everywhere outside of my door.. Shit on the sink in the shared bathroom..Everything is so hard. I am struggling to keep fighting. I cannot tell anyone how I feel in real life, I am supposed to be this big, impenetrable guy who people can rely on..When I try to speak to people, nobody takes. It seriously.How much more can I take? When will life cut me a break? I just want to be happy, I just want to be independent, away from damaged, crazy people.. 22M - Narc alcoholic parent",Depression +9145,"You call them with suicidal ideation and they tell you to take a bath or go for a walk. Actual suicide attempt, you are past the point of asking for help. Actual suicide attempt and somehow end up in an ambulance, they treat you like dirt and send you back home. what is the point. My problem with (UK) services",Suicidal +9146,"Sorry about this being so long, I have a lot in mind that I feel is all relevant to each other.I have been trapped in my house for months since I have left my job. I left because I did not feel comfortable being there and every passing day felt like a drag. I was not happy with the thought of me working 66 manual labor hours with only a single day off to really do anything for what might be the rest of my life. In hindsight, I think most of the reason why I hated being there was because I was always drowsy. I would stay up really late (because I hated work) and would have to wake up early. The entire time spent here at the house since I have left work, I have done absolutely nothing to try to improve myself. I want to go back to work because I feel like a bum for being unemployed, but I just cannot right now. My biggest worries about going back to work are either that I am going to be fired immediately (because of my general low energy caused by my depression) or that I am going to be ridiculed endlessly by my future coworkers because of my awkwardness. I do not know how long Ill last working there with all the abuse I am undoubtedly going to get. I have thought about what exactly is it that makes me such an easy target of ridicule and I have come up with a few reasons. The number one reason is that I am boring. I have little to no interest in anything. This really sucks because I have plenty of ideas on what things I can get into to make me more interesting, yet I can never bring myself to do anything about it. I GENUINELY do not care about anything and it makes me sad knowing that so long I do not do anything to improve, Ill forever have this problem of being boring and being the constant butt of everyone is jokes everywhere. I honestly feel like I am undeserving of any human dignity with the way people talk to me. Like if I am not allowed to have any pride. I often question my intelligence for what I think are pretty good reasons. I graduated from High School with no intention of going to college because I was completely mentally burnt out by the end of it. To be fair, I think sleep deprivation had a lot to do with it (same reason as what I mentioned about work above). I literally told myself that I wish that I could turn off my brain and never have to think again. I do not know if its my sleep deprivation, stress, possible autism (undiagnosed), possible ADD (undiagnosed), or maybe even a learning disability, but I have a VERY difficult time learning anything. My brain literally HURTS when i think about anything and I just feel even worse emotionally for not understanding it. This depresses me for many reasons. One, being that I feel like a complete worthless idiot who will never amount to anything and who is a slave to manual labor work. Two, It makes learning any skill more difficult tenfold. Three, I just simply hate being stupid. I look up to the intellectual types. I value intelligence over any other human quality trait and it makes me sad that Ill never feel like I am good enough to have friends, to have a soulmate, to be a father one day, or to even play a respectable role in society. Ill forever be some dumb laborer in the eyes of the people around me. Despite all of these things mentioned that bother me, I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it. I cannot go back to work because of the mental state that I am in. I will not last. I cannot pick up new hobbies/interests because I honestly do not care about anything. The abuse will never end. I cannot learn any skills necessary to improve my financial future and overall social footing. My brain hurts trying. I feel completely stuck. It does not help that I do not know anyone personally who would honestly give a damn about me getting better besides my parents. I think its safe to say that my siblings, secondary family members, and friends (do not have any) would not care. I am on my own here. I cannot bring myself to commit suicide just yet, but I do not think Id be too bothered if I knew that tomorrow would be my last day alive. I do not have much to lose. I also feel like I am living a cycle that will keep repeating itself with no end in sight. Ill find a job that Ill hate but I muscle my way through it enough to be able to afford another break. Ill take said break but Ill feel like shit knowing that it was likely due to anxiety and Ill feel like a bum for being unemployed. But I cannot really learn anything useful to advance myself to a better future. So when the money that I saved up for the break is gone, its back to working my miserable job. The cycle repeats until the day that I die. Any advice or possible words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. If I do not get a single answer then that is fine, I am just happy to share this. I forgot to mention this earlier. I am 23, Male, and I have had depression and social anxiety since I was 13. I feel stuck.",Depression +9147,"I am 30 years old, 13 yeas ago wen I was 17 years old I got sick, it got worse really quickly and 2 months after I entered the hospital I had to had operation to have an external heart support, 1 month later I went through a heart transplant. Since I recovered from the hospital I have had a severe depression. I became obsessed with death the more and more I read about transplants online, the mortality rate, life expectancy, etc, nobody even mentioned any of this to me before I got the transplant. In my country the person who has lived longer with a heart transplant it is been 21 years and is all can think about. I am not a good person and I have drank a lot in the last few years since it was the only thing that helped me forget about everything for some time, right now I just cannot do anything, I just cannot get out of the bed I cannot fake it anymore and smile like I everything is going to be okay. I do not want to go through a transplant again neither die in pain, I just want to die in peace, I wish I would have died in that bed before I took this heart from someone else, it could have been of better use. I just do not understand why in the 21 century we do not allow people to help them die how they want. If I were not a coward I would jump out of the window right now. I just cannot take it anymore",Depression +9148,"Wanting a relationship but being out of shape( working on that), ugly and no personality or real talents as well as poor means I am shit out of luck! 26 years old and i have never spent a night with a woman. Obviously more important things than sex, but I am still a guy and want to experience it so not having any skill in that area sucks real fucking bad! I just cannot possibly see a good future. I am not going back to school ever so I am stuck with a hs diploma and my current job is really good and pays well for what I can get, but realistically I will never own a house, I will always be renting, living paycheck to paycheck and it will always suck Lonely and miserable",Depression +9149,"For the record I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder and 20 year old man. I have had a sudden and heartbreaking ""break-up"" that put me over the edge(Thanks Alaida) and I am in a horrible spot mentally. Was going to kill myself but she convinced me before we split but I did some slashing to my wrist. I have been trying to contact her but she just blocks me and that is got me down bad. My psychiatrist thinks I am a danger to myself and also suggests ketamine therapy but I am scared to be separated from my pc. Idk what to do. I want Alaida back but she hates me and I am scared off hospital. Just want the pain to end tbh My psychiatrist suggests that I go to hospital. What is it like?",Depression +9150,"CAN you? did not sink so. You can ban me once, cannot ban me twice doe",Depression +9151,I fucking hate it I literay just want to kms and I hate it no it does not get better no matter how long I am happy for it always comes back I always want to kill myself and its fucking tiring its not even fro a specific reason I just wanny kms. My life is litearly fucking perfect so there is nothing to fix I just want to kym and I hate it I hate feeling like this. Endless night of crying myself to sleep because I want to die i wish I could just stop feeling like this. If it were not my parents I litearly do it in a heart beat i wish I could but I just cannot and it is so fucking tiring ill wake up one day and feel so much better but it all comes back and the only way to stop feeling like this is to kms. Honestly my life is getting better but I just feel worse like whenever it hits me it is just so much more worse like it take everything in me to stop myself from slitting my rist maybe just to hurtmulsf or dream about bleeding out. I finally had the fucking courage to leave to do it i was in a very bad state probs why but still I was going to go to the station get a ticket and get away i had the money and that is all I needed. I had this plan for a long time but when I was like fuck it ill do it it was very emotinol. I was going get that train ticket and either sneek on a ship go to a foreign country or drown myself. I finay had the fucking courage to fucking do it. But no I am at the end of my streat and my dad drags me back to my house. I finally fucking did it but I get dreaged back in i was actually going to do it once I got on that train the was no going back the was no going back once I left the house ebut uk got forced back in. But I would of been dead by now. And a part of me is happy because my oarnwst do not have to deal with me being sad they can enjoy the life not deal with the death if the child.But then again it is just another life there is an infinite amount of universes/planets where I have killed myself this happen an incite amount of time so this one time it will not make a difference.Sorry just had to get this off my chest. As I cannot really tell no one Rant,Suicidal +9152,"From a young age, I was always a lot smarter than the average kid, I loved this till I was about 12. After that, it was always the pressure that I am supposed to be the best. and past the age of 12, it is all my parents care about. They could not care less if I am happy as long as I get good grades that is all that matters now. Most people do not understand one bit. I wish I was not so smart. My dream is to become an artist and live in a little cottage. But that cannot happen. I am set up to become a biologist. that is what my grandpa did. I am too young to already know that I am just going to spend the rest of my life doing something I hate. &#x200B;Being smart also means that teachers do not care about my mental health. it is the extra work that kills me. I am practically still a kid. I cannot take all the work. it is all too much. I am not even working towards my goals in life I am working towards what I have to do. I hate it. I have no choice. I know for a fact that I have to be a scientist for my family not disown me. they have paid for my private schooling I cannot just not do what they want. &#x200B;All I want is to be happy but I cannot. I should enjoy school because I am smart but I do not.",Depression +9153,"i think I have lost all my friends, my family hates me and i have no one. i wish i could just get out. living to 18 seems impossible right now. it feels like no one would notice if i died so what is stopping me from doing it right now? i do not know how much longer i can live. i need help and no one cares enough to give me that help. talking to someone would not even help i just do not have any other options. its a terrible fucking feeling to see other people my age having an amazing time with their friends and I am just here. barely surviving. i cannot live anymore",Suicidal +9154,"In Brasil we have not any group of suicidal so I am here, i have Amiotrof, and 30 years old I have married at 20 years old but my wife Just give me a shit 3 monts Ago, now I am back to my mother's house without cash to pay everything i want, at my bed all day, sick, alone and cannot walk to meet another ppls... there is nothing to do I am broken... With ansiety/depression and all kind of of shits... All i have is my meds. I rly want to kill myself... I have tried twice but peoples saved me, i want something that i can do, without back, without peoples to helo but now my family toke my meds and all knifes that i have, I am a fail in life and for kill myself t...... No way anymore",Suicidal +9155,"And I am too scared to try anymore. I was abused by my biological mother, I was able to get back on my feet. I just went to court and got a restraining order, so she cannot approach me anymore. I was bullied at school, I was able to get back on my feet. I was raped, I was able to get back on my feet. I suffered a miscarriage, I was able to get back on my feet. And every time life knocked me back into a pit. Again, again and again. It was always something. Now I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness that leaves me unable to study, or even go out, because I am too much in pain. I have to eat tramadol everyday just to survive. The nurses and doctors treat me like shit. Yesterday I was in the ER, I was in so much pain I cannot describe it. I was just silently crying and clenching my fists. Then the nurse comes and says ""You can go home, we cannot help you. Do you live at a homeless shelter? You look like you do ."" Then laughed and left. I was left so shocked and in despair that I just left and sat on the bench outside for hours. that is when I came to the realization that life has nothing to offer me anymore. I felt like all the remaining hope and life had been sucked out of me. I lost my will to live right there. I have lost all my hope. I have stopped eating and drinking, I do not shower anymore. I am in constant pain, and I am scared. I am scared of the pain. And you know what? I will not try anymore. I will not get back on my feet anymore. I do not want to get knocked back down and then have to crawl my way back up again. Every. Single. Time. I feel like life has something personally against me. When I look at other people my age, I feel a deep grudge, jealous. I know that it is unhealthy. I know that it is wrong. I just cannot help it. I look back at what I used to be, what I could have been. And I just feel deep despair. I am in a big black hole with no way out. I am going to kill myself as soon as possible. After I get my legal matters in order, and prepare my death. I just felt like venting all this, it feels freeing. I feel like life has nothing to offer me anymore",Suicidal +9156,"To every person who has ever said stuff along the lines of ""Just get off your lazy ass"", ""Do you really want to fail?"", ""Why are you just letting life pass you by"", ""Work harder then"", or really anything else that screams ""I have the mental strength of titanium steel and I think anyone who struggles and does not work through it with ease is a lazy stupid jackass"" when I needed help/advice especially with my mental health and failing high schoolFuck you. I hope you get depression so you know how hard it is to get a single thing done. I hope you understand how much harder it made things. I hope you understand that you made me understand that I am alone in my troubles and there is no hope or help for me I am just too lazy and dumb for this life I am destined to live a life of pain and suffering.What stupid FUCK cannot even shower and study and get their school work done or attend class. Jesus christ what is wrong with me. I cannot even fucking kill myself. Why was I born. FUCK THE DOCTOR THAT TOLD MY MOM SHE could not GET PREGNANT i hope your license for doctoring or whatever the hell you need for that crap burns up along with whatever life you may have. I just was not meant to exist",Suicidal +9157,"Told a very close friend of 4years that i had been depressed for a while now and spoke about my ongoing problems with self harm a few weeks ago. They then proceeded to call me stupid, that idk what I am doing and that I am just being an idiot overreacting on things. They also said that i will have worse problems in the future so i should not be depressed or self harm now. Ik they were trying to comfort me and tough love me but it still felt like they did not really care as they have never talked to me since and when i have tried to mention something they then said it was a lot for them to deal with and did not want to deal with it. Again i understand this, it is very difficult to say to someone that you self harm and expect them to know how to handle it but now i feel like a burden speaking my issues with them. Maybe i am selfish for expecting them to be there to talk to, i do not know, i just would have thought they would have at least checked up on me as i do with them and as how i am happy to help them and be there for a talk when they need one and because i have helped them. I know it sounds selfish but i expected more as everyone says to tell someone and talk about it Am i bad for expecting more support from a friend",Depression +9158,"Today after my run, I sat near a lake, and just started crying and thought to myself, I cannot go on, I have had enough, and why and how and should I be saved Feel like I have had enough",Suicidal +9159,i have no reason to live. at 19 I have seen everyone look at me as if I am not good enough or worthy enough of attention starting with my father and ending with my last relationship that i just got dumped and its been hard. i just want to find an easy and painless way because i have no fight in me anymore. everything has no meaning I am never enough no matter what i change in myself. any suggestions? P.S i do not want a do not do it i officially give up i truly do and i have nothing to live for anymore. How to kms,Suicidal +9160,"I am legit fucked in terms of any comp sci job prospects and grad school, got a full ride scholarship to come to this shitty liberal arts college and spend 3 fucking years just to get:\- No major, completed projects on my portfolio\- No research papers I have written\- No meaningful projects I have been involved in\- No job training in CS or job experience\- a piece of paper that will say computer science on itliterally just bullshit classes in the major that encourage a shitload of busy work and no meaningful learning experiences that would land a job. I have classmates from high school involved in CS at their universities who have built a bigger portfolio in one year than I have in 3. Despite that I have worked my ass of since freshman year working 18-20 hours a day on this bullshit degree, never been to parties or drank or met friends or what have you, just HW all day every day until 2-3 in the morning. this is definitely going to transfer towards my inability to getting into grad schools with their low ass acceptance rates and people like my classmates from HS applying and getting in easily with their fucking portfolios.I am planning on hanging myself if I have to go home after graduation and get berated daily for coming here and not getting a job or further education by my parents for the next X amount of years while trying to build my portfolio. The conversation today I had with them about how fucked I am was enough to write this shit. since freshman year I have never received help from my academic counselor to find attainable internship opportunities or other ways to build my portfolio outside of college, instead wasting my time every meeting since freshman year to talk about my feelings or how I was doing and to act as a fucking therapist. even now as I am trying to find grad schools I can actually get into she will not help compile a list or explore options or do the basic things that other academic counselors do to help a college student not end up living with their parents after graduating. I am struggling to even get above a 154 on quant and 157 on verbal for the gre entrance exam, so i know i cannot even rely on that to get in anywhere. almost all schools want a 160 or higher on quant. my parents do not give a rats ass either way about my education here and would not help anyways since they have not even finished grade school. I do not know what I am going to do with my life after I leave this fucking place besides killing myself, and regret the day i came here should have just paid my way through college like everyone else and gone to my local university with my HS friends. Going to kill myself after graduation",Suicidal +9161,I hate everything about my life. I hate my job and nothing makes me happy anymore. I am ready to go. Just cannot find the courage. I think I am done.,Depression +9162,"How shitty and lazy and useless I am made to feel for expressing the desire to spend the bulk of my day at home, with people I like, doing things I want to do instead of spending most of my days struggling to stay awake working a job I hate that I do not want or need, and that no one actually cares about, just to keep funding and supporting this pointless consumeristic lifestyle. How did we all agree to this and say it was ok to live 50+ years like this? I look around and feel so isolated and alone that I view the world like this and its like the viel is lifted and I just cannot see it any other way now once you see the underlying truth to it all. Modern society is the reason I am depressed and I am sure so many others without even realising it.",Depression +9163,"I am feeling completely stuck. I have a meeting with work tomorrow to return soon, and I am absolutely not ready. I can barely wash, feed or look after myself properly most days and the only reason I do right now is to look after the family dog.I cannot afford to be off sick anymore but I am not well at all, and work was something that triggered some of this depression, burnout and anxiety in the first place, even though I have had it fluctuating for years.I am stuck without an anxiety med because the doctors have not sent it TWICE to the pharmacy. Anyone I usually would go to for professional help is on holiday. I have been waiting for an assessment from the community health team for 6 weeks, and its been cancelled once, and I have not heard anything since I asked when my assessment would be rescheduled.I just feel so useless. I have been barely holding it together and I do not know what on earth I am going to say to my boss and HR tomorrow, because I am still a wreck. I cannot do this",Suicidal +9164,"Since age 10 or so I have never had a friend that cared about me, only those shitty ass school ""friends"", whose only activity was to play fucking boring and dumb video games. My whole teen life was thrown away with sitting in front of a rectangle screen and wasting life. Now I realized that life brings joy with good friends and meeting each other. Fuck man, I have never experienced that! Everytime I go to the city I see groups of people and then there is me, awkwardly going alone through the streets... Of course there is my older brother, who has a good paying job, a wife, good friends and he even moved 3 times already! And there is me, 18 years old, finished highschool and I am scared of job life. In 4 days I should be applied to studying something and I know that I cannot do it. Of course I got bullied in secondary school and since then I did not even know what the word ""social"" meant.This should not even be such a long text but I felt like ranting today.. I hope someone can relate :c Anyone else never had a good friend, who was interested in you? (after childhood)",Suicidal +9165,"My father committed suicide, maybe is genetic It was great for a while but some people are so lucky, i hate the unfairness of life. and I hate almost everybody. it is no fun anymore, life used to be exciting and fun. Now is a chore.I hate being so whinny, but I am tired and sick. I shoulda been a porn be actor like Ed Powers, he seems to have fun and not having to work.I am so bored. Only sex is in Worthy. Good sex. I do not want to be alive anymore",Depression +9166,"It had taken me four years to recover from the breakdown I had, and until recently, I would been doing so well in terms of mental health. But all of a sudden, the depression has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been looking for a job, but it is like as soon as they hear the reason I left my last job was for mental health reasons, they do not want anything to do with me even though I am definitely qualified and experienced for it.I have no relationship prospects at all. I have been avoiding it all because I cannot bear the thought of hurting someone else with my issues, but the loneliness is too much to handle sometimes.I still live at home, and have to deal with a fair amount of stress, but I cannot move out because I have no job, so I am stuck here for a lot longer than I would like.I love my friends and family so much, and wish them nothing but the absolute best, but it hurts to see everyone so happy with their lives and moving on to bigger and better things while I am stuck in reverse.And everyone around the world has lost so much due to Covid among other things, so I feel guilty about complaining about my situation when it is a paradise compared to what others have been through. I am just sad. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and my life is slipping away from me. I would been doing so well until now",Depression +9167,"I am only 21M, but I always have this feeling like my life has passed me by. Its like people who are getting older and then realize they wasted their life, or that they never fulfilled their dreams. Right now, I am going to art school. I really want to be a writer. Lately, I have been pretty lacking in motivation blah blah depression.So, part of the reason I am depressed is because I have contemplated transferring for a long time. I am not sure why I am obsessed with going to another school, but I feel like I am not good enough to stay or be a writer. But I also do not want everything to pass me by. Overall, I am just feeling lost. What is this? I am sure I am not alone in feeling this way. But I do not know how to cope with the days of deep depression, feeling like people want nothing to do with me, or thinking about running away. I always feel so old.",Depression +9168,"that is it. that is the whole post. If you can relate, great; if not, sorry, just needed to put that thought out there. The only thing saving me from complete anhedonia is the ever-fleeting amusement at the absolute absurdity of life.",Depression +9169,"22(F) I was turned off from sex after a very disappointing date/encounter where I know I did not want to have sex and did not like the person. I wanted company so I made the mistake of going back to his place for ""tea"". We did other things and I drew the line on intercourse. He did not get the message (or did not care ) and kept trying to get me to give in. I did, I was tired and feeling pretty unworthy/unlovable. I did not want to be alone, missed feeling wanted and felt generally ""if not him now, then who later"". I beat myself up over this for too long and worked through the shame of it all.My sex drive is pretty high so during this time it is kind of added to my depression but I think it is good that I took a time out. Now, I am genuinely in a headspace where I want to only worry about myself and be selfish with my desires.How bad for my mental health would it be for me to look for someone to strictly just have sex with and not do the whole "" this is who I am, who are you and do we match"" thing? I have always done it and it is basically only ever exhausted me.I know my worth yaddayadaya I am horny and sad, is this going to be detrimental overall (undo healing)? Is there a healthy way to do this for me? I have been sexless for a year",Depression +9170,"I am doing a little better than the last time I was here. I lost the girl I was in love with and I wanted to be with her. My worst fear is losing the people I love. I want to die before them. I HAVE to die before them. Even when things are not terrible, I still fantasize about death. How often do I think of suicide? Pretty much every moment that my mind is idle. I have been on antidepressants since I was a kid and now I am in my early 30s and starting to wonder if I ever fucking felt a thing other than fatigue and exhaustion and other side effects. But happiness? Maybe moments here or there. But when reality hits I am back in my default setting: Envious of the people who have completed suicide. Wishing I was brave enough to trust that the pain would stop there. is not it tragic how many of us only find glimpses of peace through temporary means like drugs or sex? Why is it so hard to be happy?I feel sad when I find out someone took their lives because I know how it feels to want the agony to stop, but jealousy in the fact that they had the courage to do what I wanted to but could not. I do not want to hurt the few people who love me but I think they can survive the pain of losing me. I cannot survive the pain of losing them. Suicide is the endgame for me. Its just a matter of what drives me to finally do it. Even when I am happy, I am still pretty fucking sad.",Suicidal +9171,I cannot sleep anymore. I lay in bed and I cannot stop thinking. Its so scary. What if he finds me again. What if he posts them. It would not matter so much if I killed myself but I cannot do that because my bf said if I did he would. I am scared of my bad dreams and what if my bf needs me in the middle of the night and I am not there. I am sorry. I just cannot take it anymore. I am scared,Suicidal +9172,"I guess I should start by explaining that I am 13, almost 14 and live with my abusive (single) mother, my parents got divorced after I was born (lmao).She also suffers with depression and I have seen her taking meds before. Our relationship is really rocky and she is usually really manipulative towards me.When it comes down to it, I am just.. tired. I have no drive to keep living. Struggling through every single day has worn on me and now I have finally collapsed.My other friends are starting to get jobs and are talking about school while I can hardly get the strength to shower or brush my hair most days.All I have been doing is filling my days with meaningless hobbies and feeling and for myself.I feel pathetic and lazy. I know I will not be able to even start thinking about getting better for at least five more years.I do not know what I am going to do. I think I am just a lost because. will not be able to support myself.",Depression +9173,I am sick and tired of people just leaving me in the dust. I try so hard to be the best person I can but it is never good enough for anyone I have no point in being here because I am not good enough for anyone or anytbing. I need to kill myself so badly but I cannot work up the courage to go thru with it. I am going to buy a glock and hopefully it will be easier to just pull a trigger then hangibg yourself Never good enough,Suicidal +9174,"When my dad tested positive for Covid after he was vaccinated with Astrazeneca, my life took a turn. He had to be brought to the hopsital and stayed there for 2 weeks. While we were there, we found out he was going to be homeless, not one of his relatives were willing to help us, I begged that he stayed at (his moms house where he grew up, but now its owned by his sister who is in the states) in a year or 2 until I could stand on my own (broken family, did not finish college, still starting my small food shop and living as a caretaker for my boyfriend's uncles house. In addition to all that, I also tested positive FOR THE SECOND TIME with covid. My dad needs insulin and I will have to pay for a new place to stay, food everyday, and his medication, (100$ every two weeks)... in the next 3 months (until the government provides free insulin, it will be 50$ less) I really felt alone and felt like I was the only one who loved my dad. My family knows I grew up without him with me, without him supporting me as I struggled thru life, though they might think that he deserved what he is going thru, I do not. I am just his kid that he did not abandoned when I was 8. I am 25 now and still trying to get my life together. As much as I would like to take him with me, I am staying 10hrs away from him for my shop here in a bigger City, I cannot pay for it. Now I know people who are willing to listen to me, but I do not want to burden them with a problem that money can solve... I have to move fast, I have to find a way. I have to not give up. But some days, I feel otherwise. And it is scaring me because all this love might not be enough for me to keep going. I am weak. And I want to escape this. I used to be just contented with going slow in earning money, but this time, it is urgent. I do not know what else to do. I easily get triggered whenever I see people collecting cash for non-life threatening situations and get tempted to ask help, is this my pride? I do not know. I just know that I am desperate and scared. ever felt like ur mental struggle is not valid becs what is causing it is financial issues",Suicidal +9175,"I feel burnt out. I like being by myself but I still feel envious of people with good connections to other people. I have no energy but caffeine gives me anxiety. I actually try to actively change things in my life by being more active, and I want you to know that exercise and being more social does help. it is just a little difficult to undo 8 years of depression. It feels like it is a part of my personality now if I am honest, and I do not think I would recognise myself without it.it is overwhelming thinking about how much I need to work in the future. I feel empty all the time. I just want to stop thinking. I tried counselling. It got annoying after some time as I was hoping for more insight to help me, but most of the time she just asks what I want to do. it is always the same follow-up question. It gets repetitive and does not feel like I am getting much value from it all the time. Maybe I just had the wrong expectations? Has anyone found counselling helpful?I have had medications too. It stops me from feeling intense sadness which helped, but I did not feel happy, just a void numbness. I am just tired, to be honest. What helps me keep going is just taking this life as an experience and not too serious. it is easier said then done though as I still cannot help but consider how other people think. I come from an asian family, and I do not want to bring shame to them, but living in a western country, I cannot help but dream of the freedoms my peers have. The only thing that keeps me going is that I am going to die anyway",Suicidal +9176,"I do not want to be skinny, and desperately trying to gain weight. Why cannot I have hips? Or boobs? Or butt? Why am I built like a fucking 12 year old. Gosh My body makes me feel this way",Suicidal +9177,"I keep showing a happy face to everyone but in reality all I want in my life is to not have a life anymore. I do not want to kill myself, I just want to die somehow, painless... Does anyone else feels like that too? Will I ever stop waiting for my death to come?",Depression +9178,"Just as the title suggests, I am feeling really numb, especially today. I am not sure what is left in me. I am going to be sleeping today away Losing any hope I got left",Depression +9179,I left my job to join the military. I was extremely motivated in the beginning. I am 24 and it took a year to get to a weight to be able to join. Its the hardest I have ever worked to achieve a goal. I swore into the DEP (delayed entry program). Its designed to help get in better shape before basic training. I am supposed to leave in 2 months. Once I did that I lost all motivation. I stopped going to the workouts and became reclusive. I feel I am in such a dark place. I do not want to talk or be apart of anything. I feel like I should be happy working on something I want to do. There is no reason for me to feel this way. I guess i am asking for advice on why I feel this way. Left job for the military and lost all motivation,Depression +9180,I do not know why but for about 3 months I have been feeling guilty like I am bottling something up and I feel really sad about it and it is making me feel anxious. I hope some other people have felt this because I find it very depressing and not as happy as I was. Can someone please explain why I am feeling this or if they have felt the same way. I always feel guilty,Depression +9181,"For the last four days I have been in a terrible place, and constantly on the verge of suicide, tonight I texted my friend out of the blue and told her I loved her and appreciated her because I think Id want her to know incase I died. She texted me but I ignored it, until she rang my phone and started asking so many questions saying she knew I loved her but it came across as worrisome. We talked for a while and she was so helpful, someone finally cared. Someone cared",Suicidal +9182,"I just really want to get this out, and maybe please hopefully someone has some words that might be able to help at all. I am really really sorry about it being so long, I just need to get it outIm a 26 year old Indian man grown up in quite a traditional household in the UK, which means mental health is always a taboo subject, and as such I have never brought up any issues I have had with my parents. I think on some level they might know I have experienced issues in some capacity, given I have done a lot of reading on the subject, and done charity work for mental health charities etc. but a part of me wonders if their upbringing makes it obvious to believe that its a true problem that is not sorted with a hugSo I went to a good school, excellent university, had great grades, show great social skills as a front whenever I need to, had a good job, then took a two years out and moved to Japan, and now moved back a month ago living with my parents for the first time in 8 years.Something is wrong, I just feel so mentally fragile all the time. Nothing I do gets me any mental strength and I run on a rolling 1-2 day cycle of feeling ok then heavy and useless again. As a backstory, I grew up with no friends, a situation I actually do not remember as I have recently realised I have SDAM (Inability to remember anything than the most recent few years). Which I always saw as a positive, because whatever it was, it was in the past, and I am beyond that. From 18-20 in university I always felt completely mentally strong and myself. Then at the same time found out about some infidelity in my father, the only person I had felt close to until that time (excluding my brother), and the only person Id ever call if anything went wrong. Fortunately those trust issues were compensated for by finding my first love at the time, but then when I moved to America, this was compensated for by drinking excessively for that entire year, pretty much joining a frat and drinking all my troubles away for the year without talking to my family at all. That year concluded in breaking up with my girlfriend at the time due to further lies and infidelity from her side. Then back in the UK to finish my studies and started work for a few years. After the initial getting over the trust from my ex, these 3-4 years were probably the strongest of my life. I felt confident, over all the trust issues (or so I thought), regained my relationship with family and friends. I had a great job, a great house, good circle of friends. Just a great all round time.Then I went to Japan, and again, the first 6 months of my life were some of the most exciting, new city, new culture, incredible new career, learning so much about myself. And found love for the 2nd time, which happened to be during covid quarantine, and as such went from 0-100 which was the most incredible and comfortable 3 months of my life. As someone who people say, connect with them in a way they have never experienced all the time, finding truly someone who I feel that relationship reciprocated is very rare for me, so was very excited. Then slowly over the next year and a half that turned into a steady comfortable relationship. Were very different people, but somehow it worked, I think she slowed me down in a much needed way. Although my good times previously were very mentally strong, it was very high-functioning, and I probably needed someone who just lived in the now bringing me back to a healthier version of ""strong mind""However again through a few of half-truths and lies about the past from her side over the next 3 months, sort of put a damper on it, and made me continually question the relationship. The thing is this time round, although not condoning it, I can actually see the logic as to why there was lies, and in my clearest mind can see that we still have a confident future together, as there was no malicious intent. Long story short, the year since then has been a constant rumination of mental battles on the SAME issues over and over again, mainly trust, and whenever I get stuck thinking about it, it takes me weeks or even months to get over it and regresses me back into my worst depressive states. And although I do not know the true because, the more I think about it, rather than from the actual issues from the relationship, I think the underlying issues with my previous trust being broken in my father and first love have put me in a position where although I want to, I cannot just let go of the past with the new relationship, and I struggle trust again, and this just screws up my whole mind.These ruminations were kept at bay while in Japan, because I was still surrounded with the loving relationship and doing meditation, yoga, and surfing to keep my mind as clear as possible. Although often getting stuck, I found myself getting out of it much quicker. The only way it really did however was to almost limit the longevity of the relationship in my mind, to limit how much the hurt caused me to become unfunctional as a human Now back in the UK for a month and I am STUCK beyond belief. I feel like the same thought loops get stuck in my head, and I find myself going over the same thing, and the same conversations with my brain trying to apply some logic as to why I should get over it. All this does is mentally weigh me down beyond belief, and just continually ruin my day-to-day life. And now I cannot bring myself to do any of the things which helped, yoga, meditation. Everything just gets me stuck in a way I cannot live. I do not know if its the being back at my parents home after so long, the relationship lack of trust, the lack of job, the culture shock or just all of them. I think with my idle mind is the devils plaything, and most of all it seems to be playing on my relationship view and ruining my mind.Now my every interaction just leads me into a state of mental instability. Today my parents came back after a day out and told me they bought me some new bedsheets as a gift, but the prospect of anything new / surprise / out of the ordinary just breaks me, and I had to walk away saying I did not want it, half angry, while trying to hold back tears. Just crumbing mentallyThen all I can do is get angry at myself for acting like a dick in the face of a kind gesture from people who love me.I just do not know what to do, nothing I do feels like it helps, and I do not want to do anything other than stay in bed all day, while I am torn about putting on a brave face to my parents so they do not see it in me. I want to get back to the healthy self I was at any point in my life, but do not know how to do it.If anyone can read this and maybe provide any help, something to do, something to focus on, anyone who is been through something similar, or even someone to talk to, I would be really appreciative.I am really sorry again for the long post. do not know how to continue in life",Depression +9183,"I do not know exactly why I am the way that I am, at first I would say that I am not depressed I do not match all the symptoms. That was an excuse obviously, then it got worse. It is a mix of shitty days and just being in the same room as my parents. I try hard to tell myself its not my parents fault you are this way but yes they are a big reason and coming to that realization really is disappointing. I do not know whether to keep asking my parents for help or just wait until I am old enough, but I have been thinkingShould I tell my friends? I do not want to force anything on them, or trauma dump on them. I just want to be acknowledged, I just want someone else to tell me you are not okay and need help besides me. I will talk to the wall for an hour telling myself all the reasons why. I want someone to know besides me? They do not even need to help, I just want the knowledge that someone else knows. So do you think I should tell them? Sorry if the formatting is weird I am on mobile! You can ask for details as well. I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, should I tell my girlfriend and friends?",Depression +9184,"Hi everyone, My situation was really cool, I was happy boy until being 16-17 years old when I discovered my biological sex is different than mental sex. Wearing woman clothes, makeup, doing things like woman makes me really happy and feel normal compared to being in unnatural male body.Unfortunately, noone around me, can understand this.I had many friends before, now I am talking maybe with one or two, mainly about stupid things.Everyone else thinks I am weird even my parents, who make fun I do not have girlfriend and look more like woman than man. Idk what to do, I would love to make full transition, but it is really expensive and risky. I do not have anyone to talk about that and besides moments being woman( wearing sexy clothes, makeup and getting attention), I am constantly sad and often crying. I do not even know any girls with I could talk about feminine things like makeup and fashion.What do you think I should do with my life? If anyone would like to talk with me, it would be cool ;) I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +9185,"Why you would not want to live. Is it really that difficult to see that the combination of being 5ft tall, ugly, having a 4incher, being incompetent, weak, stupid, no fun and depressing to be around is why I do not feel like living. I am never going to amount to anything, I am hopeless and useless, I am never going to be wanted or desired. I feel lethargic and just want to sleep an endless sleep. Is it really that difficult to understand. Is it really that bad of a reason. Is it really that hard to imagine?",Suicidal +9186,"Hey guys, I have been going through some tough stuff for awhile.I feel like there is no God and I feel like everyone wants me gone or wants to fight me for no reason.If someone knows my struggle I would appreciate it very much because I am losing all hope for myself, My friends, and my family. I feel like God and the whole world hates and wants me gone.",Depression +9187,"Like how low can I go to make a song about my life sucking... it goes like someone come kill me dududu, I just want to fucking die. Someone come kill me dududu, please just let me die. God I wish life was full of good moments and not shitty ones. Make its not worth living. I am so depressed I made a song in my head about it..",Depression +9188,"Just a quick update I am writing for myself, today seemed a lot harder, I felt like I was going in and out of consciousness, and just felt like I was in absolute autopilot for the day.Trying to stay strong and get my mind off stuff (habging out with friends, working out, going on walks, gardening) but its getting really hard. I am at a point where my heart just feels void, and I am scared that even if I was placed in the bestest of situations, I could not appreciate it or feel good about it.that is all I really got folks, if you ended up stopping by and reading, I hope you are having a good week, stay strong Update",Suicidal +9189,"Chronic Depression. I am at this nihilistic point in a way, I am not necessarily apathetic though. I just do not feel like I am genuinely interested in living. I understand the good and bad, those clinical dead patients you hear about how that was the greatest moment ""clich"", I want that experience so much. My relationship is not great and I cannot even begin to describe what is exactly onmy plate. This is kind of how I feel in a point blank sense: it is a waste of time to talk to a professional because it is just advice, what they could tell me or what anyone could tell me is kind like.. yeah I know. I can feel or understand that advice but I STILL feel this way. Nobody on this website can take the amount of time to get emotionally connected, I am too much in my head irl to express everything to a counselor. I am a pacing, quiet, numb human. I am scared, lonely, and afraid. But eerily at ease and maybe that is the most alarming part. Being okay or comfortable in that depressive state. Strange",Suicidal +9190,"I have been struggling for over 1 year now and nothing has improved. If anything, things have gotten worse. Something has just clicked inside of me today. I do not think my current situation will ever improve. I cannot stand being around my family who do not understand or support me. It does not matter how many times I try to explain, they will never understand and they will never help me. I hate myself and I do not think that will ever change. I do not see a way out",Depression +9191,"was just explained the reasoning for why i did not get into my chosen program for university. my marks are not high enough and i do not really want to go back and redo the classes i need to get a higher grade. I am not lazy. i just do not care enough.i do not really care about going into school at all, or working, and living in general. kind of just want to permanently disappear quietly. if anyone knows a fast track to death. id be really grateful /j I am not eager to do anything",Depression +9192,"Every so often on an askreddit thread I see a post about what men want more of and every time one of the top replies is compliments. I have never been able to relate, I do not say that to be arrogant, just to provide context and hopefully some people reading this may stop judging themselves and others based on appearances. Often through my life I have been told I should model, or complimented on my looks, which is rare as a man, but this has never translated into healthy relationships due to anxiety. I grew up with acne until I was in my early 20s and bullying left me with debilitating social anxiety. When I drank it went away but that is never a good strategy.At 25 I finally faced down a few of my demons and with the aid of liquid courage for the first time pulled a one night stand whilst travelling, when it came down to it I could not get hard. I had to jerk myself off to the point of almost finishing so when I did enter I lasted two strokes. After this I dated but felt too nervous about sex to follow up on promising dates, I remember one date with a girl that seemed a very good match, I cancelled on her hours before we were meant to meet twice because of anxiety.A couple years later I started going out and managed to pull a few more one night stands, each time the same routine, I would be hard and ready to go, then have anxiety at the point of penetration and lose my erection. Girls were put off by this and even those who had been chasing me down for second and third dates stopped messaging. This made me feel like an abject failure, I looked around at everyone around me, all able to do this fundamentally human thing, and felt isolated for not being able to follow through with the one thing that is the reason any of us are here in the first place.Since then I have gone through the cycle a few times: avoiding dating altogether -> downloading the apps and sorting myself out with dates -> taking a girl back to mine and going limp at the point of penetration -> avoiding dating altogether -> and on and on.At this point its not just the sexual inexperience but the inexperience with relationships that only further entrenches my feelings of being an outsider who will never fit in. I am now 30, my friends are marrying or having children, and I am unable to do anything more than smooth talk a girl into bed (and then fail to penetrate her).This is a deep source of shame for me, noone would guess this about me, I feel like a fraud. Some friends have told me they assume I am a fuckboy, it would be interesting to see their reactions if they found out how wrong they were but I am too deeply ashamed to share this w anyone.If I play this out to the future I am not sure what happens. When I was younger I had hope in figuring it all out, but that hope is quickly fading. I have tried cialis, I have entertained loading up on a high dose and visiting prostitutes until I am desensitised to sexual anxiety, but sometimes I feel fated to stay stuck where I am, and that makes for a very bleak outlook. If you read this far thanks, aware I am ranting now. Erectile dysfunction and alienation is ending me",Suicidal +9193,"I give up. Damned if I do, damned if I do not. there is no winning with my anxiety and depression.Boss asked me if I had covid symptoms. Should have said yes so I could not go back Tapered off my meds this past month. Had to have work today because of anxiety",Depression +9194,"It never gets better. Day in, day out, the same thoughts surround my headI cannot be alone, my thoughts hate me.I spend my time doing nothing but wishing to vanish from existence.Even as I child, I never wanted to be here. I am not meant for this.I should not be here.I do not belong.People change and grow distant.I cannot save myself, how can they?Too much a coward to end things.I suffer the pain of existence. They all can see it, they cannot help it. It never gets better.I am ready to leave.It never gets better. It never gets better",Depression +9195,will it ever get better its getting bad again,Suicidal +9196,"so, I was going to get sooo fucked up since I do not have the balls to kill myself. 520 in the morning I started drinking the first can of ""happy juice"" I finished it but, I already fell my stomach ""nasty"" like I did not want the second can but, I wanted to to feel sooo drunk I started with the second can a few sips and and I told myself ""fuck this"" I trew it down the Drain. after a few minutes I started feeling the drunk feeling from the first can it made me sleep for like one hour and a half and let me tell you I slept like a baby. IT WORKED I did not needed that second can after all with just the first one worked.so, I got what I wanted and slept like a baby so that is all for me being drunk for a few months because I will not even will feel the feeling to get drunk again because the feeling of my stomach feeling ""nasty"" will stop me from drinking.so, yeah that is my story update, Update...",Suicidal +9197,"I just feel so useless in this society. I really do not know what I am going to do.I have been fired from every job I pick up because my depression gets the best of me and I end up being miserable no matter what I do. I start showing up late, lack enthusiasm, super slow and just overall have this I do not give a fuck attitude. Last time I tried to go to college it ended in a suicide attempt after taking on the financial and emotional stress. And that debt lasted way too long to handle. Not to mention I have a credit card that I also have not paid off and my Credit score has gone to shit. When I try to get professional help I end up not answering calls or not showing up to appointments, the process takes forever and I am always stuck waiting. When I start medication I end up trying to use them to end my life..The one thing I am supposed to be passionate about is art. I love doing art and have been since I was a child. I got an opportunity to make money off of my art (a family friend requested a portrait of her and her daughter) it took me 3 months to finish and I hated it. Although she loved it and paid me, It still put me through an existential crisis. What the hell am I going to do now if I cannot even handle doing something I love as a job. I am the TV definition of a bum. Live with my mom and freeload just playing video games and doing nothing with my time. I have two friends that I talk to every few months and a boyfriend who seems to love me a lot but thinks he can just help me get my life together one day. But he needs to realize I am really a disappointment and I am not sure how to fix this. I do not know what to do and I honestly stopped caring about my life a long time ago. I just live with the shame and the guilt, acting like I have a plan when family and friends ask about itThe worst part is I cannot even talk about it without becoming extremely depressed and overwhelmed. 21f jobless and not in school with no Ambitions",Depression +9198,"it is been a rough year for everyone. I thought I was starting to bounce back a few weeks ago when I broke up with my boyfriend, because it felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. I had more energy, I started actually texting people back, I started tackling my enormous workload that had piled up, and I made plans with friends.But then 2 weeks ago I got nearly blackout drunk at a house party because the guy I started casually sleeping with brought a different girl to the party. It just made me feel so worthless and shit, so I drank way too much, picked a fight with a friend, then walked home and made a shitty weak suicide attempt. The number of pills I swallowed was nowhere near enough to actually kill me but it was definitely enough to keep me vomiting for the next 36 hours.I came back to work after taking a sick day, and was immediately overwhelmed with time-sensitive, critical tasks that came out of nowhere. Then Thursday night, my cat got sick and spent 2 nights at the emergency vet hospital. She might have cancer, but at least she is back home now and seeming better.I am at work right now, staring at the list of shit I have to do that is too long, too full of overdue stuff that I will never have time to do, and I just cannot fucking engage. I have been in this job for 2 years now and I want some career growth but I do not have the time or energy to apply to stuff. I missed out on applying to a really great opportunity because I was puking my guts out when the deadline passed.I just feel like I will never reach that surface. Nothing will ever get better, I will never grow and be more successful, I will never be able to maintain relationships, I will never be able to lead a good life.I just want to fucking die but I cannot seem to figure out a good suicide method. I feel like I keep trying to swim up to the surface but my legs are caught in seaweed",Depression +9199,"Hey everyone! I have been going through a really rough time lately. My depression is awful and I am going through a break up, its been tough. But I have a lot of goals and ambitions and things I am working on and I do the best I can to do these things but some days it is hard to get much done because of how I feel and my depression. How do I balance self-care and being kind to myself but also holding myself accountable and being disciplined? Any advice?",Depression +9200,"I do not want to live as a man. I have realised I am trans 4 years ago. I am talking with a psychologist and we work on my depression, anxiety, adhd and from my suspicions we realised that I have borderline personality disorder. Every morning I am good or ok. I take my self out to socialize and every day seeing naturaly born woman makes me sad and it stacks until night time then I get fucked by my mental health and I want to die. I live just for my family and my future self BUT I cannot transition becouse I have to finish uni and have to get a job. EVEN THEN I HAVE TO EXPLAIN SHIT TO MY OLDER BROTHER BUT I cannot BECOUSE HIS LIFE IS ALREADY HARD. I just want this suffering to end and if I ever kill my self I am sorry future me and my family. I am sorry but I had to get this out of my chest. I do not want to do this anymore. I hope you guys and girls can be happy and find meaning in life. I want to get things off my chest",Suicidal +9201,CW: substance mentionAfter falling into the trap of going off my meds for a couple of months because I was feeling better ( and quite honestly so I could experiment with recreational drugs so let us just say that better feeling was very much flaky) I have an appointment tomorrow to get my psych meds in order again.Its with a new specialist my psychologist recommended (my psychologist does not prescribe) and I am really nervous because I know that readjusting to new substances is very hard on me. I have no one in my life that I trust or cares to share this and I want to chicken out but I am resolved to go through with it. So I am proud of myself by myself. I really hope this time I get better to stay better. I am re medicating and I am scared but proud :),Depression +9202,I was having a crisis and I tried to call my dad for help but he said he does not want me to throw suicide in his face and he cannot help. My mom has essentially decided she would rather have her boyfriend then me. My friends are great but they cannot really help me. Nobody knows what to say to me. I just do not know how I am supposed to keep doing this all by myself. I just want someone to help me and nobody can. I have no one left,Suicidal +9203,"I am literally so scared for high school pe in 10th. i had online school for my whole freshman year so i was not worried but since there is going to be in person I am so scared. i feel like i will be judged and bullied. i was in middle school. i felt like shit. I am really debating if i should kill myself before school starts but then again it just sounds dumb wanting to off yourself just because of physical education but it is so overwhelming and i get so anxious when i even think about it. and i do not have any friends at all. it is hard being the fat kid in pe who is a ""walker"" and ""lazy"" and always ""out of breath"" or a ""heavy breather"" i try talking to one of my friend about it (she is not going to the same school as me) and she does not understand how scared i am. it just sucks to be the one who always gets bullied because of my size. i cannot take it anymore PE makes me want to kms",Suicidal +9204,"but I am tired of being tired. I am told I am strong for going through everything i went through . but i do not wantto be strong. I am tired. i just want something stable , i want to be able to lean onsomeone and breathe and just be okay. i feel so defective. i try to tell myself I am not , and o do not want to hurt myself . i wantto respect myself and mybody but god, it just feels like the one thing i can control. life can be so beautiful sometimes but I am just tired. and hearing that ""I am so strong ""& ""that I have made it so incredibly far"" snd that ""i still shine so bright"" and I am sure i do not see what they see. but I am also sure they do not see what i see. i see someone who is tired , tired of the world hurting them , stepping on them , taking advantage. yea having a childlike wonder & hope is cool but when it makes you so hopeful in people almost naive. it sucks. i just wish i could lean on someone and not have to be strong , that is why my littlespace is so important for me , if I am big for soooo long and not small. I am stuck just staying strong , no time for myself to be vulnerable and fade away from the world. but I am supposed to become that support system for myself , not the little stuff but just to lean in general bc only I am guranteed to have my back. if i cannot have my own how am i going to ask others to have mine. i just. i want time to breathe. and melt away. idk how long I have been tired",Suicidal +9205,"I was wanting to meet someone as I am always lonely. Anyways I am 17 and I live in AZ. I mostly enjoy games, youtube, circuitry and politics as republican/conservative. I prefer 14-18 with whatever other interests you have. Not to guilt trip but this always fails and everyone is going to leave or hurt in some way, but whatever if you want to talk we can. I do not ghost but if that is your thing then I am not going to bother. I prefer people who actually need someone, not some whiny bitch with 10 plus friends. I figured this would be a good place to post for that Willing to talk with people 14-18. I am lonely and have nobody, so we can talk if you want.",Suicidal +9206,Last night I had a dream I was back with my ex and it absolutely destroyed me I was doing so well and finally gaining ground but this was a low blow to my psychological health I hate her so much and I am determined not to let that inbred whore beat me I want to move on but I cannot seem to let go and just purge it out with a good cry but it seems I cannot hopefully I do soon I feel as if I cannot that I will never pull out of this slump I was doing well...,Depression +9207,the amount of creeps on this site who try to use me when they find out I am a girl and underage ur what makes me want to do it the most you are my tipping point you are disgusting i hate you i hate you I am a child in a child i cannot do this anymore please can someone hug me I am in indescribable pain rn i hate you,Suicidal +9208,"Every so often on an askreddit thread I see a post about what men want more of and every time one of the top replies is compliments. I have never been able to relate, I do not say that to be arrogant, just to provide context and hopefully some people reading this may stop judging themselves and others based on appearances. Often through my life I have been told I should model, or complimented on my looks, which is rare as a man, but this has never translated into healthy relationships due to anxiety. I grew up with acne until I was in my early 20s and bullying left me with debilitating social anxiety. When I drank it went away but that is never a good strategy. At 25 I finally faced down a few of my demons and with the aid of liquid courage for the first time pulled a one night stand whilst travelling, when it came down to it I could not get hard. I had to jerk myself off to the point of almost finishing so when I did enter I lasted two strokes. After this I dated but felt too nervous about sex to follow up on promising dates, I remember one date with a girl that seemed a very good match, I cancelled on her hours before we were meant to meet twice because of anxiety. A couple years later I started going out and managed to pull a few more one night stands, each time the same routine, I would be hard and ready to go, then have anxiety at the point of penetration and lose my erection. Girls were put off by this and even those who had been chasing me down for second and third dates stopped messaging. This made me feel like an abject failure, I looked around at everyone around me, all able to do this fundamentally human thing, and felt isolated for not being able to follow through with the one thing that is the reason any of us are here in the first place. Since then I have gone through the cycle a few times: avoiding dating altogether -> downloading the apps and sorting myself out with dates -> taking a girl back to mine and going limp at the point of penetration -> avoiding dating altogether -> and on and on.At this point its not just the sexual inexperience but the inexperience with relationships that only further entrenches my feelings of being an outsider who will never fit in. I am now 30, my friends are marrying or having children, and I am unable to do anything more than smooth talk a girl into bed (and then fail to penetrate her). This is a deep source of shame for me, noone would guess this about me, I feel like a fraud. Some friends have told me they assume I am a fuckboy, it would be interesting to see their reactions if they found out how wrong they were but I am too deeply ashamed to share this w anyone. If I play this out to the future I am not sure what happens. When I was younger I had hope in figuring it all out, but that hope is quickly fading. I have tried cialis, I have entertained loading up on a high dose and visiting prostitutes until I am desensitised to sexual anxiety, but sometimes I feel fated to stay stuck where I am, and that makes for a very bleak outlook. If you read this far thanks, aware I am ranting now. Erectile dysfunction and alienation is ending me",Suicidal +9209,"Since my depressed period started some time ago, I have a specifc ""place"" my minds always thinks about when I am feeling bad (or feeling just nothing, depressed in general). it is just a bus stop near my house, and I do not know why my mind just keeps going back to this place, it correlates this place with feeling depressed (but I do not even go there that much, do not have any trauma there or anything like that).Now I cannot get through there, when I do, I just feel extremely bad, the depression only hits harder for some reason. Am I the only one who has this kind of weird thing? Am I the only one who has this kind of ""thought""?",Depression +9210,one of my latest ruminations is that nobody could ever hate me as much as i hate myself. what does this do for me? absolutely nothing. but it feels like an absolute truth. a perverse truth,Depression +9211,"I need to stop. It needs to stop. I am just a stupid whiny fuck that deserves nothing, I am weak and petty and selfish, I should just fuck my wrists up properly.But no, that never fucking works and ill never be free and it will never stop hurting. I want to cut open my wrists and drown myself because that is the only way the thoughts will stop, I want to be alive again, I want to be a kid again.I miss watching everything with that childishly pastel view again, innocent wishes and laughter with friends. But then Id be oblivious again, Id be weaker and more naive, yearning for a loving touch from someone but myself.It never stops, Ill never stop tearing up my arms, yearning to pick up a lighter and feel my skin melt. I want the blissful agony again, I want to close my eyes and see pain, feel my hate painted on my skin. I need help. Help me. .",Suicidal +9212,Just a total failure with nothing to show for life and no chance of a better future. Ever get the feeling that you were never meant to be alive?,Suicidal +9213,"I cannot even cry anymore. I feel utterly worthless. I do not have an appetite anymore, all I can ever do is sleep, and I cannot bring myself to do the things I usually enjoy. I might as well have the help hotline on speed dial how much I call. The world is better off without me and I without it. I am constantly crying out for help to no avail. Why do I even try anymore? I cannot think of a good suicide method though. I am so numb",Suicidal +9214,"What do you think its like? I have obviously not done it yet, but what do you think goes through someone is mind like before, then the run-up to and then actually committing suicide? No doubt its different for everyone but I am wondering.For reference, yes, I am not in the best way right now. Physically? I am healthy. I am in a job I do not like. I have no friends. I have a girlfriend. I have somewhat a family. But I am not happy. I have things going my way, and things not going my way. How can I feel as if doing this is going to release me? I do not want to keep going on, but I do not know why. I am lost on this. Any and all help is appreciated, thank you for reading this far. Discuss",Depression +9215,"Hello fellow redditors, I myself have depression issues, but this post is not really just about me. I have been with a woman for a while who can be the most wonderful woman on the planet. I love her very much and I would do anything to see her happy or smile. There is an issue that has been persistent throughout our relationship though and that is her depression.She has tried many different medications and there are ups and downs. Unfortunately when it strikes she becomes extremely cold and cruel. She walks away from me mid conversation, locks herself in the bedroom, tells me to go away, not touch her, calls me names, says cruel things about me, creates fabrications and refuses to get out of bed and try to do anything to help her depression. She frequently tells me to leave her when in this state and that I would be better off without her.Once the spell is over she is back to her happy Loving self with cuddles and kisses and words of affirmation.Now I understand that these things are related to depression, but my concern is the outright toxic behavior. She says that it is because her depression makes her push people away, but I am starting to question if this is actually depression or just an excuse to be toxic.I understand I could have posted this on relationship advice and I might also do that, but the reason I am posting it here is to get insight from people that have and are sympathetic to depression. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Depression or toxic?",Depression +9216,"I am extremely stressed If i have to Talk. Even with good Friends. Which is why I started a one week Break Off any Kind of contact. (They are Informed about it and showed understanding) What I noticed already is that it is way less stressfull. The downside is that it still leaves me behind More depressed then when I am in contact with my Friends. This already leaves me in a Spot I do not really Like. Having contact with Friends: strong stress but Feeling slightly betterHaving no contact with them at all:only the regular daily amount of Stress but having nothing or Nobody that gives my emotions a little bump upwards. (besides alcohol, which I try to keep on a Level where I can live without it)This honestly feels Like such a ""choose the less Bad"" Situation and I absolutely hate it. I really Like to have contact with them but it stresses the fuck Out of me on a daily Basis. So much that I am having headaches pretty much every day. Why cannot I be fucking normal and Take live as it is? I feel like a fucking burden to everybody that has to Deal with me. First day of a one week break off contact with Friends (social phobia)",Depression +9217,"I have probably averaged 5 meals per week this year, all of which were delivery. Eating, much less making food, is just exhausting. I am not anorexic, I wish I could eat and weigh more. I just do not have the energy nor the self-worth to take care of myself. I am worried about my physical health, though.Thanks for reading. I have gone from 160 lbs to 120 lbs in 2021. I am a 6'0"" man.",Depression +9218,"I have dropped all my classes this semester after not being able to muster enough fucks to do the work. Now I am trying to decide whether to try again and maybe fail, or get another job. I am completely disillusioned with all institutions. I have had 3 jobs (all construction) and wanted to die. By the 3rd one I was doing everything in my power to feel better. Eating totally healthy, making sleep a priority, working out. That job was definitely better than the other 2 but I think I still felt passively suicidal thinking that this is my life from now on. Just work, work, work with a few hours of respite each day and weekends that are spent dreading Monday which actually kind of makes them feel worse than the actual working week. I got laid off for covid but I was dreading getting fired anyways eventually because of how shit I am at listening and following directions (I may have adhd and I am waiting on evaluation results). I am working out more than ever for the past couple months. Eating healthier than ever. I quit all cannabis products. The issue of work still makes me want to fucking die. I do not know what to do. I do not know what work I could do that would not make me dread waking up. I do not know how to motivate myself for school. People just call me lazy. I fucking try but it is not good enough. Regular people do not do half the shit I do to feel better and they are fine. I hardly get any pleasure from life. I am just not built for this shit. Overwork is demonstrably proven to because suicide. well any full time job feels like overwork to me",Depression +9219,Does anyone feel so unmotivated like me that cannot follow my calling (medicine) because i cannot even study foe 2 hours ?? Unmotivated,Depression +9220,"She says it when she is angry and I can tell she is thinking it when she is not. I did not really do anything but I know I am not as successful as she was hoping and she always says I try too hard to be accepted by her and everyone and else. Like, no shit, I am trying too hard. I am always worried about what I am doing wrong and what she is thinking and I guess I overcompensate. Probably just need a break from this and I can recalibrate and feel better but right now i just feel awful. Wife hates me",Suicidal +9221,"I am so tempted to end my life just so he can see how much of a worthless father he really is. he is a narcissist and I want him to SUFFER. I want to make him fucking suffer, I want to jump off a bridge. He does not deserve me let alone happiness",Suicidal +9222,"Personally I never felt loved. Not from anyone. I do not understand why people treat the parent - child bond as a beautiful strong bond. I really tried to understand but I cannot see why. I have a terrible connection with my family. it is a major reason for my suicidal behaviour and mental issues. For me, I am just a project they are investing on. A failing non-profitable project. A meaningless investment, nothing more. it is better for them if do not exist. At least they are going to save some resources. My existence does not mean shit. Feeling abandoned and lost, better to leave it. Dying is better than marching towards suffering while being a weak person. Feelingless failure",Suicidal +9223,"Did anyone tried to kill themselves just to make the point, for people to leave them alone? I am bullied and it is getting worse. I am supporting myself by telling my life is not worth of them and what they say. I have suicidal thoughts for a few years and tried to kill myself, I change my mind in last minute. I do not know why, but people are insulting me and I do not have someone in my life on who I can lean on. I hope everything will be over soon because I do not see the point of being here when so much people hate me. I tried my best to be kind to everyone and to help everyone. I am so sorry I could not take it anymore. Suicide to make the point?",Suicidal +9224,"Already on meds, already in therapy, already have safety plansstill violently depressed, self harming & cutting, generally hopeless. Honestly, if I am not killing myself, what is the point of spending time in a psych wing? Ill lose my job, potentially be detained for a long period of time, and face the public stigma of being insane. Where do you draw the king between just pushing through and locking myself away? Is there a point to psychiatric holds?",Depression +9225,I am ending my life.. I am bored and I may not be a good person. I am jealous of many peopleI'm 40 so i had a good run. I only regret not giving me the chance to lovr love someone. So this is it,Depression +9226,"Hi everyone, hope you guys are having a good Monday. I am a 24 year old female and tired about life. I deactivated my Facebook because I would get depressed seeing how happy everyone was. Classmates from high school are getting married, having kids, traveling, and having amazing accomplishments. It took me 6 years to get my bachelor's degree, while other people I know are getting their master's or getting accepted to medical school. I am currently trying to study for the MCAT but I cannot focus and end up crying all over my notes. It does not help that my parents always come to me whenever they need help with anything. I have an older brother but he does not do anything the the house, he treats the house like a hotel and my parents does not bat an eye. They do not discipline him at all and place all the pressure on me. My mom would also tell me that if anything happens to my parents that I need to take care of my brother, he is 26 years old. He does not have any mental disabilities. I am tired I want to move out but I do not have the money. What I hate most about my life is that I have no power whenever I try to tell my parents they need to try to solve problems by themselves or ask their other child they would get upset with me. They say I am the responsible one. I come from a traditional family, so as the oldest and the male should not he have more responsibility? Idk what to do the MCAT is a month away and I have not been studying and do not have the energy to get out of bed. I am tired, I want to be successful but my family puts me down",Depression +9227,"I am not sure what else I can do I am so exhausted I really do not want to wake up, there is a part of me that is so scared but I just do not know how much longer I can do this I have a plan to take 40 solpadeine tablets, after work tomorrow I plan to buy a bottle of vodka and take them and go to sleep.",Suicidal +9228,I am 16 and I broke up with my first proper girlfriend about 5 months ago in which the relationship lasted for 7 months.I do not think Id ever loved someone in the way in which I loved her.I constantly feel down and I am lacking motivation to do anything.I do not know how to describe what I fully feel but I just feel empty and I have a constant sinking feeling in my chest.I have noticed that I have started to develop anxiety and all I do is overthink about what could have been.I constantly feel stressed and this is the worst I have felt consistently in my entire life for such a long period of time.I am starting to question if anythings even worth like what is the point of achieving anything if we just die in the end anyway.I get thoughts of death which I never did before and I thought of self harming because I feel its the only way to cope but I have not yet.I am not suicidal and I would not do it but Ill just think about what would happen if I got hit by a car or died somehow and all my problems and sadness would go and I would not have to feel like this no more.Thank you for any help I do not know if I need help,Depression +9229,"I am too much of a coward probably to go through with it, but I am honestly done. Everyday I wake up with intrusive thoughts racing through my head that make me anxious. I have no one to talk to, who will truly understand. I tried talking to my parents, and while my dad is understanding and listens, he has this tic (rubbing and licking his nose) that is extremely annoying and makes it almost unbearable to talk to him. He always takes it lightly and does not fucking change. When I try to sleep or even masturbate, this is what is on my fucking mind for some reason (stupid brain keeps replaying all the shitty sounds he makes). He also interrupts me a lot anyway, and while I know he loves me, I just cannot deal with this anymore. I have told my mom about this, and she keeps saying all the ""stay positive"" bullshit; do not go on social media, and all that. she is probably right about the latter, but it is gotten to a point where I cannot change. She makes fun of me for crying and feeling low all the time, I guess it would make sense since I am in my early 20s and I should move past being so damn sensitive. I have friends that say they are there for me, but I feel like they will choose their family over me anyway. I am starting to hate being an only child (even though growing up I never had an issue with it. I was a happy, live-in-the-moment kind of girl). I have told them about my feelings regarding this, but no matter how much reassurance I get, I cannot help but feel this based on what I have seen in reddit. I hate the fact I have turned into this monster who is so needy for other people's company. I used to have so many fun hobbies to keep me busy, but now I feel like I am lacking a meaningful connection with the people around me, so nothing compensates.I am not comfortable being alone, but I am not comfortable being around people anymore either. I used to be really confident and lively, but now..I do not know. I do not see my life getting better. I have even stopped enjoying hanging out with my friends in general, so I am in a lose-lose situation no matter what. I do not even know if I have a right to feel suicidal. I have a full-time software engineering job, I am in good physical health, and I have plans to go to grad school. Through college, I thought that if I work hard, I can enjoy later. I never went to parties, drank, smoked through my four years. But none of that matters. When my mom or dad bring up something even vaguely sad or ""deep"", my eyes already start to tear up. I hate myself for being like this. I was not like this before the quarantine, but oh well, guess the damage is permanent. I do not see myself recovering from this situation.I can already see my life ahead of me--perhaps getting married at 25 and popping out babies by the time I am 30. I feel so..useless. I think people will move past my death pretty quickly anyway. I am becoming some kind of hermit and passive-aggress freak anyway, so I do not want to hurt anymore people before I die. With that being said, what is the best way to kill myself? I was wondering if there was a painless way to do it. I might be doing that down the line, do not see a point in living a meaningless, lonely life anyway. Best way to die?",Suicidal +9230,"I really want to die and there is nothing left me to think over it but I am feeling like I do not have guts to die. Last time I tried to die, I had the guts to commit but at last minute I failed. But this time Idk what is happening. I have this urge to die but I am feeling that I will choke, please I do not want to fail this time. I cannot handle it anymore and feel ashamed of myself more. Everyday night has been a hell for me. I am thinking of hanging myself again but what If I failed I want a backup plan this time. Please tell me the way to die that is kind of easier than hanging. Fear that I cannot.",Depression +9231,"Hey Reddit been a while since I have posted on here, need to get thoughts off my head. I do not know if I am depressed or just self-centered. To recap, I got into a good college and graduated HS.But past that, I feel like nothing has gone the way I have wanted. I have worked all summer at dead end job and have barely any money to show for it. My dad has not helped pay for anything in the past few years, my mom complains every time I ask for her help with something, and cannot even decide on my future. I tried to buy a laptop for college and everything through and through would leave me with just under $100 in my bank. I try to make friends, but they all leave just as soon as I meet them, and do not find happiness in anything I do anymore, whether video games or anything.I do not know what to do really, and I just really need some guidance I guess?If I broke any rules, just let me know as well do not really know",Depression +9232,"Weird vent idk I am confused .Ill probably sound dumb but everything made sense when I was homeless and addicted it was scary and painful but it made sense to me I knew what to do even if all I knew was just hiding my pain and hoping to die but now that everything is meant to be finally coming together in my life I do not think I am happy still . Its stupid I have been miserable for years but this feels different , I used to hate myself because I did not look right or fit in or get social settings and I flunked everything I tried and ended up just washed up high and being a waste of time . But now I know I should be happy ? But I am not . I got into to college , I have supportive friends and even a bf , I am moving into a new place soon , I have got a job . But now more than ever I feel like I am just right back at the edge like I cannot cope with any of it . I do not even hate myself anymore , I do not even dislike my self (mostly )but I have such fear and dread for every moment of every day ,every piece of expectation every every moment to come like my hearts palpitating at evening being awake . I am just not sure what to do or if I can even cope like I have thoughts all the times of just letting go again or disappearing or even ending myself because I just do not think I can do it ? Like even on meds from my doctor and I am still thinking like this . I am closed off like I cannot talk even if I wanted too and I desperately want to get out of this fear but I cannot and I am too scared of everyone around me even the people who love me to try and talk about it . Anyway I am rambling but I guess my point is , if this is when its meant to be good ? And its just painful and scary to me even tho its the best I have ever had . Will I ever find peace ? Or will I just have to just keep pretending and struggling through it ? Its just whatever anything happens my mind always goes to the idea of jumping and being free . Fixing my life has left me more scared to be alive than ever before and I do not know if I can do it ? I just want it all to stop and I know I should not but I have occasionally started skipping meds so I can re self medicate on my own time and I have been hiding that too . Idk its dumb like I said . Anyway Ill not keep this up long as its a badly written embarrassing mess , thanks for taking the time tho . Struggling still",Suicidal +9233,"Usually I can deal with my depression but now it is just hitting harder.Earlier this year I had to deal with a really traumatizing situation due COVID and I held my feelings to myself so I could be strong (I have a post about in case anyone's wondering). But now I am feeling that the weight of those feelings are coming for me, making me feel worse everyday.I am slowly stopping talking to people, sleepy more and more, eating less, I am slowly stopping enjoying the things I enjoy, slowly drawing in this feeling. I was feeling my best a few weeks ago, but after being rejected by my dream job, I cannot snap out of it.I see my friends and boyfriend getting their first jobs, doing and achieving amazing things, making their own money. I will graduate from college next year and I feel like a failure for not having a job too. I am really proud of them, truly, but I am also dead jealous of them. This feeling is rotting in me, making me feel like I do not have any perspective, feel like my dreams are more distant than they were before and I am too tired to run after them. Everytime I see my friends at their jobs, I feel sad. Sad because I feel like I am useless and everytime I try to talk about it, all I get is empty words.I do not know what to do, this feeling is taking away the best of me. I am this close of giving up",Depression +9234,Looking for fast and effective way to end all of these. Ideas ? Fast and effective way,Suicidal +9235,"I just feel constantly guilty. I feel guilty when I am not depressed because I am a pretentious smartass that has to tell his opinion on everything all the time. I feel guilty when I am depressed because people around me feel like they are the reason for it, which they are not but also kind of are. I hate people and I hate myself the most. I have to be in the centre of attention all the time but i do not want to.I have been through this once and I do not want to go through it again, I just cannot. Guilt",Depression +9236,"Before I explain why I am about to end my life, I want to clarify that I am not advocating for suicide and if I could help it, I would ensure that no one has suicidal feelings. But I am not in control. That said, I just want to get this post out there as one final affirmation of my existence. Now, as for why I am going to commit suicide, there are two reasons: My social ineptitude and my fear of human depravity. I will first talk about my social ineptitude and then I will delve deeper in the depravity of human kind and why it has fed my depression.I have been an outsider my whole life. While I did have a close friend group, I never felt like I ""clicked"" with any of them on a personal level. Regardless of how much I tried, I always felt different from other people, and not in a good way. If others were to describe me, they would probably say that I was ""weird"" or ""odd"" but not in any particular way. I am not sure how to explain it, but I have felt like there is some part of me that is fundamentally different from the rest of humanity. In some ways I feel subhuman, and that prevents me from actually forming meaningful connections with others. Speaking of meaningful connections, despite being in my mid-twenties, I have been single for my whole life. I have not even held hands with a girl before. Yeah, I know you are probably laughing at me right now, but it is true. I have been rejected more times than I can count and honestly, I try to tell myself that I have gotten used to it, but really, it is weighed down on me for so damn long. The only people who have been there for me are my family members, but as fucked up as it sounds, not even they are enough to keep me from feeling unbelievably lonely. I feel like if I cannot interact properly with others, I cannot function as an adult in society, and if I cannot function in society, then I might as well clock out. Additionally, I have been incredibly insecure about my mental and physical abilities, both of which I feel like I sorely lack. This has also created a social impediment between myself and others as it feeds my inferiority complex. As for the second reason why I am going to kill myself, most people are depraved. Plain and simple. I have been a true crime junkie for a while and hell, has it taken its toll on my mental health. I cannot go outside without worrying that someone is going to shoot, stab, or kidnap me. You might be thinking that mass murderers and violent criminals make up a small percentage of the overall population, and while true, I believe that most humans are inherently violent. Humans are just as willing to excuse violence as we are willing to condemn it. do not believe me? Look at any video on Youtube with the title ""Home-owner shoots robbers in home invasion"" or something like that, then go to the comments. I will guarantee you that most of the people in the comments section will rejoice and applaud the home owner for either gravely injuring or killing the criminals. Now I understand the appeal for self-defense, do not get me wrong. I do believe that in certain scenarios self-defense is necessary, but I do not believe that the injury or loss of a human life should be celebrated, regardless of the person. The fact that this opinion is unpopular terrifies me. It seems to me that people inherently have a violent side. This violent side is also brought out when you add personal property into the equation. I remember a few years ago I read a news article detailing an incident where a store owner killed some guy who tried to steal a pack of candy from a convenience store. The website allowed for people to comment below the article, and surprise surprise, people applauded the store owner and praised him for killing some person who tried to steal a bag of gummies or some shit. I am still baffled that people think that ending a living soul for some candy was a fair transaction. This has further pushed me away from human interaction as I feel like I cannot trust anyone anymore. Which raises the question, why am I writing this suicide note on a forum for the purpose of being read by others? Well, I do not distrust all of humanity, and I believe that this subreddit may have like-minded and kind people who will just let me say my piece before I die. In short, I am going to kill myself because I have experienced extreme social isolation and I have developed a general mistrust of human kind. I believe if humanity works on its ability to empathize with others and to feel compassion, then we will all be better off. Even though I do not know you, I wish you a good day and a good life. do not live your life in constant isolation or in fear of others. do not live life like me. If you do, you will regret it. My Virtual Suicide Letter (and the reasons why I am going to die)",Depression +9237,"Please help me! I know that some people may think I am an egoist or lazy idiot but i just in a bad situation. I think I am close to jump from the building but my familly does not pay attention (i still love them). I stuck in that life, do not know what should i do, lost my loved ones metaphorical and literally. Please i just begging you please just talk to me. I am sorry to tell it because in that case seems like i do not give a fuck about others but if so I am really sorry.... Sorry for all that waste-of-time i wrote All we need is love",Suicidal +9238,I have left everyone and isolated myself in my room. I cannot feel satisfied or even excited about anything I simply do not care anymore. I do not want to get help because I do not think it will work I feel miserable and hopeless. I do not see myself living,Depression +9239,"mods, I am sorry if this goes against the guidelines. I have failed in all aspects. i could not even kms properly. there is literally no reason to live. there is no reason to even be posting this, actually. my parents do not care about me, my siblings do not care about me, i have no irl friends, and I am pretty sure my online friends do not care about me either. why would they? there is literally nothing good about me. i do not even want a reason to live anymore. i do not want to get better. i want to die. my therapist is great. i appreciate him loads, but getting better is so hard and it just does not feel worth it. and anyway, what is the worst that can happen? i survive? with severe brain damage? i will not even be fucking aware. ill write dnr on the wall or something so they cannot do anything. i wish id done it ages ago. i cannot believe i actually thought things might improve. considering posting on /r/roastme so ill feel even worse and it will make me want to do it even more, except i do not want to show my face, because I am fucking ugly. either that or I am taking to twitter rand say something mildly controversial like spiders are not that bad. i know ill get attacked, because last time i was on twitter (over a year ago) i said one thing (what?) and got death threats. i wish someone would just kill me. i hope i get hit by a car, or fall onto train tracks, or get pushed off a high bridge, or get stabbed, or get caught in a fire. its so unfair. and i do not want to hear bUt liFe is not fAiR. i know. everyone does. and its not helpful. its so unfair that some people do not want to die and yet die. I have got everything i need to go through with it, i guess right now I am just looking for something. anything really, good or bad, i do not fucking care. i just want to fucking die",Suicidal +9240,"I started therapy about two months ago. I have had two sessions since then. If you are wondering why I have had so few sessions, its because I am broke, also my therapist sometimes answers my mails too late so by the time she replies she is fully booked.I was able to schedule an appointment from the website where I found her in the first place, then she gave me her mail address so that is what I used to book my previous appointment. But she always answered too late, and one time she did not answer at all. And, you know, whatever, sometimes people forget things or make mistakes. She is not responsible for answering all the mails from her clients during the day they were sent.And then she did not show up. The way this website works, I do not really know if she knows its me, and the website is complete shit so I do not think I will be able to get my money back.I need help. I really need help, I am going to go insane. I have been trying to get help, and I am going to explode from all the thoughts going through my head and my goddamn IBS and all the other bad stuff that is happening that I cannot handle. I have nobody to talk to face to face. I have a friend I made here and we do talk to each other about our struggles but I cannot use her as a therapist, because she is a friend and not a therapist, and she cannot help me in a way a therapist can.So now I lost the money I saved. It will take at least a couple of weeks before I save enough money to see someone again. I have made a document where I talked about my past and all the dark and heavy stuff that happened to me and people I love, and now I have to start over again. I lost progress and I desperately needed progress.Now I will have to save money, find someone else, book an appointment, open up to them about all the dark and heavy stuff again somehow, have another session about all that stuff and what I expect from therapy and how this stuff is going to work, then I will be where I am right now with this therapist.Goddamn I needed progress. I needed the tools they would teach me, I needed their guidance, now I will have to start all over again. And I am running out of time. Fuck. Damn it. I got stood up by my therapist.",Depression +9241,"Now I am 15 and have felt this way for 2 years I have lost pleasure and interest in basically everything. nothing excites me or feels worthy anymore I do things because I have to it is really weird and in past month it got worse, I started drinking very little water my goal of the day is to get drunk, my appetite is literally non existent and I cannot sleep without my phone, I have a group of 5 friends plus 3 other I usually go out with but I sometimes hang out with other groups at a bar and still feel like I have no friends.Now in my country highschools are very important and I got into the best one, I do not know how will I have energy to study, I hope when I meet new people there it gets better for now could medicine help or I would just have to talk with a therapist Am I depressed or just bored",Depression +9242,"The title is pretty self explanatory. My partner has struggled with depression and is currently going through a pretty deep bout of it for the first time since we started dating. I know that every case and every person is different, but for those in relationships, in what ways has your partner supported you and what advice do you have for me? Thank you to everyone in advance! How to support your partner when they have depression",Depression +9243,"My parents have supported me this past year and its dragging on them, even if they would not admit it. I made some recent mistakes that will because me to miss the next semester of college because I cannot afford it. I am planning to leave a note saying I need to leave my current life situation. I think this will be easier on them. I am not looking for help, but I feel like I need to post this to at least let somebody know what I am feeling before I move on with this part of my life. Disapointing my Parents",Suicidal +9244,Honestly why does it have to be like this? No matter what I do the outcome is always the same. It sucks how others have a lot of privilege and look down on others. An escape from this reality would be great but I have to remain strong for my baby brother. I hate having to pretend,Depression +9245,"I have ruined myself and my body, I allowed a under qualified surgeon to operate on me and she butchered me. Not to mention This is not the first time I have had trauma and had to suffer so badly. Everyone says I am fine and this will pass but I just want to go back in time and never let her operate on me, I just want my old body back. I am so close to ending it, I just want to stop waking up and having panic attacks, crying all the time and end the suffering once and for all. I am so close to ending it",Suicidal +9246,fuck I hate my self I am so ugly I look in the mirror I will rather take a buck shot to my chest and die upon my rest lord fuck you for what you created I hate my self people say you cannot hate what you cannot understand fuck that shit every day I feel as if I cannot adjust setting my life down the wrong path my plans all fucked got my head wrapped up in a bunch I want to fucking kill my self and I know suicide is calling I tried to better my self for better but it seems not even a girl can make it better fuck I am such a pussy I do not even know who I am I am disgusted by my self in every way possible thinking about nothing is seemingly impossible I know to only think about ur self is selfish but I do not care at this point because who is going to care about a bitch with no face no taste always begging for a better life but will never get a fucking taste trust me I tried to make my life better but it seems nothing can make it better just the worst is the worst and sometimes you have to accept the worst but I cannot I am such a fucking pussy I do not even know what I am anymore,Suicidal +9247,I stabbed myself with a pen today because of two bigger pieces of shit narcissistic fuckers and dumbshits who decided to have sex twice because one child was not enough. I started a new job and I already hate because they forced me to apply. I can never do anything anymore. Parents are always fuckin right and the child is the slaveCan never ever be independent i FUCKING hate my parents,Suicidal +9248,"I think am going through depression.All i want to do is cry whilst all my day is filled with me meeting other people and pretending to be mentally okay.I would give everything for someone who loves me to hold me and say I am okay,and not crazy.I cannot tell any of my friends cuz i will sound annoying and they will say i am overreacting so i must suffer through this alone.Tomorrow i am meeting my nephew\second cousin who is 3.I do not have an option but to act as if i am perfectly fine,as i should be.I mean i have amazing grades,going in a prestigious school,i have the perfect family and friends.I think it all started 3 weeks ago.For about 5 days i was in a very bad state.Then a friend of mine,let us call him G,texted me and i helped him deal with relationship difficulties.Somehow that made me feel good about myself and i was happy for 2 weeks.Now they got back together and I am even happier,but the feeling of darkness returned.When i do not have anyone to care or worry for i feel useless.I am a very antisocial person so i do not have many friends,although at school everyone likes me.But for those friends i would give everything.You see G was the person i texted the most with.He stayed honest and very truthful to me which I am grateful for.He said how he felt which warmed my heart.The only think killing me from the inside is that i could not tell him the depths of my feelings.We talked about lots of things,i even shared childhood drama so he feels better.Yes i sometimes joked that i was going through something,expecting something more of a reaction.Silly me.Now that the little bird has flown out the nest I am back to crying.He is my closest person and i cannot tell him how i really feel,scared of his reaction and the thought that he might want to stop contacting me.Something i am experiencing once again.What the hell is wrong with me what is wrong with me?",Depression +9249,"Okay, I do not normally post my problems on the internet... but I am desperate for help at this point. I will keep it really cut and dry (this is years and years of shit, condensed) But I really want to know if I am being too ridiculous or not, because my family seems to think so...&#x200B;If a family friend who lived in your house, with your family, raped you (virgin with a chronic pain disorder), would you ""expect"" your family to defend you? &#x200B;Mine gaslit me and refused to believe me until it was found out years later he gave me vaginal scarring and HPV warts inside of my vaginal canal. I had to show them the proof from the doctor. He works at our family business, and lives on our property still. I have since moved out of town. But I cannot be anywhere near my family or even talk on the phone with them without hearing his name or his voice or the like. &#x200B;I let my father (who runs the business) know that I was working on my case with a detective, so find a replacement truck driver because once he gets interrogated he is getting kicked off the property and fired. That was almost 8 months ago. Two months ago, he was given a polygraph and completely and utterly failed it. he is telling everyone at work that I am a liar and he passed the polygraph with flying colors. My brother is STILL best friends with him and plays video games with him 4+ hours a night almost daily. He works with him. My father refuses to evict him or fire him until he finds a replacement, which has not been working out very well. &#x200B;I have been gaslit my whole life by my family, and have really bad C-PTSD that adds to my chronic pain. My rapist knows/sees this stuff daily, and I guess he decided to join in because he knew my family would not believe me or defend me... but now I am getting REALLY fucked up because I never thought it would go this far. I never thought they would spend years defending my rapist, I never thought that even after PROVING what he did, my family al would allow him to slander me at our family property and business. The PTSD and despair is so intense lately that I cannot pull myself out of it. I get an hour of therapy per week but it is not enough. I have been really screwed up the last several years, but after seeing my family treat me this way... after seeing my own sibling side with my rapist... after he gets to just keep going on like nothing happened.... after he gets to lie and tell everyone he passed his polygraph... after he gets to keep being apart of the family... after my family tries to make me feel guilty for having needs or feelings... I cannot take it anymore. I just cannot. &#x200B;Is it ridiculous of me to expect him to be given a 30-day notice of eviction from our property? Is it evil of me to ask that he be fired so I do not have to hear his name or voice over the phone anymore? Is it fucked of me to feel extremely betrayed that my brother sides with my rapist? (my brother already treated me like shit but I never expected him to do something quite this screwed up. he is been shown proof that I was raped, so it is not just him believing my rapist, he CHOOSES to ignore the proof)... Is it wrong to expect a ""family friend"" that is ""basically a 2nd son"" to my father, to get removed from our family? Is 7+ months long enough time to ""prepare"" to replace him? Am I asking too much? I feel I literally CANNOT move on or continue breathing if I have to have him involved in my life in any way, shape, or form. My only choice has been to stop speaking to my family members. But that does not stop me from suffocating in the toxicity from afar while my family just sits idly by letting him slander me to everyone around them. It does not help me move on. It does not fix anything. I am just secluding myself more and more. I have never asked for anything this selfish in my life, so I feel INSANELY guilty for even asking for it... but I would rather DIE than to keep enduring this, and having this make my chronic pain even worse. I just need him out. I need him gone. &#x200B;I will not even go into even more fucked up details, but he also stalks women around town, and is still a sexual predator, and might possibly have an attraction to children as well given his odd behavior. Unfortunately I cannot go after him for my rape because I did not get a rape kit done (because I knew my family would refuse to drive me at the time, cannot drive myself with my condition. I was terrified and knew the gaslighting would trigger me to kill myself in a heartbeat with how fragile I was). But here I am, years later, still stuck in this crossroads. And now it is even worse. I just want the pain to fucking end. This is way too hard to endure alone as a handi-cap person.&#x200B; Do my feelings seem justified, or am I being ridiculous? I have to ask because my entire life I have been convinced my feelings are always wrong, and I do not think ""normally"" as other people do. So I would like to ask the Reddit community---What do you think a ""normal"" reaction to this situation would be? If something like this was happening to you, what would you do? I really need some other thoughts/perspectives...",Suicidal +9250,I do not want to try anymore. there is no place on this earth where I want to exist and I really wish my last asthma attack just took me out because everything has felt pointless since then. I am tired,Depression +9251,I am 16 and going to be a junior soon and I feel completely lost and like an overall waste of space. My gpa went down because of covid and compared to everyone else I feel like nothing. Everyone says that grades are not important and that they do not matter but how?? I have based my entire life around them and tried my hardest and to know that I still failed in the end and that everything I have worked for did not matter. I feel terrible about it. I feel like I have failed everyone. Especially my parents. I do not know what to do. I hate that I am not amazing like my friends or my cousin who does all these amazing things and still has great grades while I am struggling to wakeup and not end it all if I step back into school. I just feel lost. I want to disappear. I am so sick and tired of crying and feeling guilty for everything that I have done in my life. I do not know what to do. I feel completely lost,Depression +9252,I have been feeling like this for weeks and with my social life crumbling my supports have slowly disappeared. Every day i wake up only to want to go back to sleep. only sleep is keeping me away from my thoughts. Lately i have been experiencing alot of looming thoughts of just disappearing and somehow stop this pain....i have tried almost everything from self love to self care and nothing seems to be working... Will it ever get better?,Suicidal +9253,I know i will die by suicide I am fifteen years old and since i was 11 years old all i can think about is which way is the most peaceful way to go. The only thing stopping me is goals and ambitions i want to accomplish before dying i do not know what I am going to do if these goals are not achieved but i have to complete them before dying. Also the thought of my poor mother walking in on her only sons dead rotting corpse makes me think twice about killing myself. But I am so tired i just want it all to end i just want to be at peace with the universe and leave this sad pathetic world i feel as though i am just postponing the inevitable,Suicidal +9254,"I have so many intrusive thoughts all the time and my brain tries to come up with a million reasons to hate things and to think about how useless anything I want to do is and its horrible. When I try to do something I like, especially reading, that is when the thoughts strike. I can no longer read because the whole time I am trying to do it, I cannot focus on the text because I am constantly battling the thoughts. The things I love are things I now associate with my bad thoughts. Now whenever I do things I enjoy, I end up depressed, anxious, and panicked. I feel like I have lost everything. Everything I love has been taken away from me. And it feels so out of my control. I can no longer do things I love because they because me anguish",Depression +9255,please kill me in my sleep. please let me have a fatal allergic reaction to my second dosethis has been going on for years and it has only gotten worse so sick of coming back here again and again,Suicidal +9256,"I have lot of problems with mental illness, and I have been through a lot of trauma. The work it would take to function like a normal person, and the fact that I would have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life, is just too monumental a task for me. And life overall seems miserable anyway, so why bother getting better? Nobody's ever been able to convince me that it is worth the time and effort or that I am worth anything at all. And so I have realized that that is the core problem. If someone could give me real reasons to get better maybe I would be willing to try again. And I am curious as to what those reasons would be, so I am thinking maybe I will try to call a hotline or something and see what they say if I even manage to get an operator on the line. But I am pretty confident in my reasoning skills, if nothing else, and I doubt that anyone is going to say anything I have not already heard before. Nobody has managed to convince me",Suicidal +9257,"i am 17f and first of all, my family got issues with somebody else, they are bothering my family, they feel sad about it. but i do not let people to make me upset. my family is unhappy and busy. even though I do not care, seeing them sad makes me feel bad too. that is not the point, it was just a little info about fam, i love them, they love me long story short i do not have problem with them, they just have their own problemsi took too long so sorry for thati broke up with my boyfriend because i could not give him enough attention. not just my boyfriend, i cannot give attention to anything. nothing seems interesting i just lay down to the bed and waiting for the day to end, I stopped playing games, doing workout, my appetite is gone. i have no energy, i have no joy. i do have friends but nothing feels good as before. i cannot enjoy the things i love. i do not even want to go to the psychologist cuz i do not want to talk, there is nothing to talk about it. there is nothing special that bothers me. i just cry everyday gratuitous. I lost weight, my sleep problems and body aches started, yeah i think that is all numb, confused,loath",Depression +9258,"But you know what, people can only fail becase there really is nothing worth living for, nothing that is realistically possible. Trying to not fail would be just delaying the disillusion. I am not sure what I am doing, it feels like I am waiting for the right moment to kill myself. it is not normal, but I do not get how you can be happy without also being deluded.I have dissapointed everyone, I have no one besides one close person that I wish stopped caring about me. I really want them to leave me alone so I do not have anything to lose. That must be so great. I could go on a trip, see stuff, sleep in a tent and maybe kill myself along the way if I felt like it.Instead I am stuck in limbo, feeling bad for failing to match expectations I do not believe in, desparing that I cannot ever match my own. I failed at life",Depression +9259,"Idk what I did wrong in whatever past life to end up mentally ill, gay, confused and sad but whatever it is clearly someone is hoping Ill off myself.If whatever or whoever they are wants me dead they are going to have to do it themselves and face whatever consequences come with killing me. I refuse to give the people who traumatised me an easy pass to discard my exist they will have to live with what they did and the fact Ill do anything to be better than them or kill me themselves Anger is one of the only things that keeps me going which may sound disturbing and sad but its all I have anymore. I have nothing else. Sometimes I feel I only stay out of spite",Suicidal +9260,"My mom just had a baby, I am not sure if its postpartum but she is been really depressed, her husband is not here atm and its just me and my sisters and were looking for a place to move out, I am working a lot so I do not really see her often but I really need help to actually get us out of here I do not want to be pushy because I overcame depression and understand its not something you just get over but i want to find a way to help her so we can actually move forward and be happier, anything helps thanks. Tips with helping a depressed person",Depression +9261,"it is annoying, I have gotten used to the pain I have received but it still lives on in me and the pain, anger, and anguish come out at certain times. It feels like a tight, sharp, tingly, aching pain. People say it is a medical condition but no it is not. I have gotten it checked before but it all comes down to the emotional stress I have suffered over the years. Anyone know how to get rid of this? How do you get rid of the chest pain???",Depression +9262,i want to fucking crave filth and virgin ito my skin so everyone sees how much of a loser i am i want to fuckign set myselkf on fie i want to be used as fertiliser fuck a grave I am not a huamn i ndont dservr one I am not a human i do not want to waist a singal person time on me i deserver to be mocked and humiliated kill my go on bitch dealeet me fuck you I am tiered of being a subhuman mongolid,Suicidal +9263,"I feel so misunderstood by my family, like they judge me constantly, think negative things about me but are holding back and telling me how to live and watching how I do claiming to ""love"" me as a family but not socializing with me, not anything.I do not have any friends left.Whenever I interact with people now, I tend to overshare when they actually ask how I am and actually want to know. And obviously, this drives people away. So am I supposed to just keep all this to myself?I have tried those hotlines, good Samaritan emails, they do not help... I always feel talked down to or like they do not actually care or I am holding them up and it just does not help.I am at the end of my rope and am thinking of numbing myself out with anti depressants and anti anxieties now to just be able to stay alive and not be a bother to anyone. I do not fit in with my family and have no friends, where do I go for support?",Depression +9264,"I really do not know the point of our existence as a species, or why I continue to put up with existing day after day. Humanity could be so much more than it is but its to stuck on power, greed, fucking religion, and any other number of bullshit ideological things. We are at a point where right and wrong is apparently 200% subjective. Been seeing a therapist and she is been telling me you cannot worry about things you cannot change. Well if something wrong it needs to be recognized, called out, and fixed. that is how we improve as a society and a species. No one else will though, or at least not nearly enough. Many people have bought into the whole I cannot change it so I will not care thing. If no one tries of course things will not change. Without a goal of improving our world and progressing the human race what the hell is the point of life? Just to fuck and pop out little bastards to continue our idiotic way of getting nothing done? To forever be underpaid, overworked, and unappreciated while the rich fly to fucking space? Will there ever come a time where we all stand up and say no? I used to think that could happen. Now I know it will not. Things will continue to spiral downward. Nothing really matters, and our existence is just a blight. Days like today I want to just go home and blow my brains out, instead I am at work, boxing bullshit for people while our CEO and upper management fly around the world as a business expense. I hate them so much, and I hate myself for not doing something to them. I guess ultimately I am all over the place, and I cannot seem to focus. All I keep thinking of is why do I bother, what is the point. Struggling to find a reason to live today.",Depression +9265,"Basically, my brother has been talking about wanting to kill himself, and how he hates being alive & how everyone hates him and all the dark sad thoughts you could ever express out loud he has said. He has been saying goodbye to all my family and blocking everyone on social media or any form of communication with him. He is on antidepressants after years of denial, but smokes a ton of weed so I think its just not doing its effect properly. Every-time anyone has tried to give him any support or help he just tells everyone to fuck off and tells us he hopes we die (especially me) I do not know what else to do. Any advice on how to navigate this situation? My brother is suicidal and has been for a while. Idk what to do",Suicidal +9266,"I have already attempted s*icide once and I have only been here for 2 days. I am so angry it did not work. Lost my job, quit making music, and was forced to move back in with my parents at the age of 23, there is no hope.",Depression +9267,"I should not have to explain this any further but whatever. Basically, I am done. I am quitting and accepting that I will always be miserable. I am giving up. Why try when I know for certain I will always fail?",Depression +9268,"5 years left. If I do not find the woman of my dreams by age 30, I think I am going to end it.",Suicidal +9269,"I am at the end of my 20s now and imagine what could have been had I not wasted my 20s being depressed. I could have made art, started working out again, maybe work in an creative environment already and lived in an other country. How to view all the years that were wasted being unproductive and isolated?",Depression +9270,"My fianc had given birth and I was in the room the doctor turns to me and looks confused he says can you get the father I say I am the father, he shows me a black baby so as you can guess I am white German she is white american so I found out my fianc had cheated on me and the babys not mine like this and I want to die I created this account to see if anyone can help me The babys not mine",Suicidal +9271,"hey. I am not really sure what is been going on with me, but for the last 1.5 - 2ish years I have just been feeling very not like myself. I am sad constantly, crying practically everyday, half the time i do not even know why I am upset, and i do not really have real motivation to do anything. i feel like I am falling behind because all of my friends are doing actual productive things and I am just moping around in my room every. single. day. it feels like I am never actually happy, but just distracted from my sadness?I am starting to lose friends because i do not enjoy going outside and doing things, it feels like I am worthless and it feels like I am dissapointing my family. I am not sure if this is the right place to be writing down these thoughts, I am not diagnosed with anything but i know the depression symptoms and it seems like it could possibily be what I am experiencing ? I am not sure though, because I am not suicidal or anything like that. its more just emptyness.any thoughts? advice? idk depression?",Depression +9272,"I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now but nothing comes close to what I experienced the last week. I went to McDonalds to eat food and was in line to order my food when suddenly this big guy cuts in front of me. I got angry and called him out for cutting the line. The guy suddenly turned around and swung his fist right into my face. It all happened in a flash. I fell down on the floor and the man just kept hitting me over and over again until two customers and restrained him. The employees called an ambulance and the police to arrest the guy. All the while the man kept screaming and telling me how much of a piece of shit I was and that Latinos like me should go back to their own country. I was taken to the hospital: got a broken nose and a black eye. I was discharged that same day and returned home feeling like complete crap and hungry. Before falling asleep I kept blaming myself for calling out that guy and how I should have just minded my own damn business. I felt guilt, powerless and sad at the whole turn of events. Before that day I was already suffering from depressive episodes and low self-esteem issues. This whole situation just made me feel worse than ever before to the point where I once again started to have suicide thoughts. Irl I am short, fat and ugly. Nobody would want to be with someone like me and much less care about me. My family who live abroad have no idea of my situation and its probably better if they do not since I do not want to worry them. Right now, I feel no drive to do anything. I cannot feel anything else but the pain in my face and I have no real friends to talk about this whole thing. Maybe I should just end my life already instead of trying to fix something that cannot be fixed. I am an assault survivor close to giving up on life (26/M)",Suicidal +9273,"here is the problem. I am going to rant so please do not mind me. My parents do not have a good relationship at all. They got 3 kids including me, the only daughter and the middle child. The problem is my siblings are not that close to my father(eldest son is closer to my mum, younger son is neutral, cannot say close with either one) and I am the only one that is close with my dad and that is where its driving me insane. I have to be the damn messenger between my parents, not just me but also the eldest son sometimes. It would not be so bad if they agree with each other but literally every single thing they have are conflicting opinions and who is the one listening to all the ugly words, yes its me, the messenger. I am so sick and tired that these adults have an issue but they never want to solve it but instead put their children in between. Its to the point I really wish they could just divorce. Please tell me what should i do before i end up killing myself Being stuck in the middle makes me want to kill myself",Suicidal +9274,"I am 18 years old. I am on the Autism Spectrum and I still live with my parents. Every time I would vent to my mom, she would either ignore me and or scream at me because I got very pissed off at her. She is the only one that seems to care about me because she struggles with depression and trauma too.&#x200B;I have been struggling with mental health problems as long I can remember. My cluttered room used to be my 25 year old half sister's bedroom and it gives me such discomfort and negative energy. My 16 year old brother who is still in school lives with me at my parents' house.&#x200B;I do not clean my room and the closest thing I can do is make my bed. My bed is full of my stuffed animals. I carry around a stuffed wolf named Angie. She is the only thing that makes me feel safe. I have not self harmed since November of 2020. I have been to a few psych wards. Well, the same ones multiple times.&#x200B;I have not returned to one since I was 17 and in still in school. I graduated this year and I feel like absolute shit. My job is at my Special Ed school and I forced myself to work because I feel like I never get to go outside of my own home.&#x200B;Therapy and medications are not even helping me. My mom is forcing me to do the SAME SHIT all over again. It feels like the end of the world to me. I cannot even do anything and it feels like the end of the world to me",Depression +9275,Are there any psychiatrists worth a damn in San Diego? Looking for second opinion in San Diego,Depression +9276,I have the death day I have time to set my affairs up I might even get my bedroom painted. My family will be away on vacation my neighbours will find me in the yard so my family will not. Just writing this makes me happier than I have been in months. It will finally be over !!! August 23rd,Suicidal +9277,"I have been feeling really slow recently. I do eat a lot of meat, but twice a week I drink alcohol and eat little which affects zinc. I also have auto immune. In past my zinc was ok, but at that point I believe i was taking 50mg a day, so perhaps without that I could be low. Anyway have not had much for a while and I have a large spot on my back and tiny spot on face (can be sign of zinc). Felt like a zombie, cannot think clearly and feel starry and negative slow thoughts. So is zinc been helpful for others and best dose?? Zinc for anxiety, depression, libido?",Depression +9278,"everything was fine in may and parts of june, then on june 15th my girlfriend broke up with me. i was destroyed. soon after i genuinely thought my mom was going to kill herself and i could not sleep. i feel like the people I have surrounded myself with have been hard to trust for a while. throughout all of this there has been one person that helped me get through it and i love him for that. i found out yesterday that people are trying to get him to stop talking about me and I am afraid of it working. hes all i have left and if i lose him idk what ill do. everything in my life is being taken from me. i feel like I am losing everything",Suicidal +9279,"For the first time in my life I am so depressed that I barely can get out of bed. Previously I thought that this is very rare and a very serious disorder and that it will never happy to me - a person who previously has been active and quite successful. I have many duties and personal plans but I am not doing any of it for the past few weeks. I want to do it, some of those plans are even enjoyable, I just cannot bring myself to actually do anything. I can not force myself to do even pleasant activities.I am completely alone, God I could use some help. I should tidy my house. I even cannot bring myself to make any food for myself, I eat like once a day. I want to change it, what can I do to start living again? I have reached worst depression yet.",Depression +9280,Does anyone know of any supplements that have helped them w their mental health? I know many of us have ~sexual troubles~ on antidepressants taking high dose ashwagandha for a week completely changed that for me. (I am a woman idk if that changes anything). if anyone has any supplements that also work for them for anything depression/anxiety related I would love to know! Supplements??,Depression +9281,Recently broke up with my now ex and I have this huge emotional void since I do not really have anyone else to talk to. Not much friends either. Could someone be a shoulder for me please? Need someone to talk to,Suicidal +9282,I am 22 and I give up on finding a gf women do not like me and I do not have the ability to date I missed out on the experience I was supposed to gain in high school and college and now I am screwed heading out into the real world I can tell women do not like me they avoid me or just act bored of me I am just destined to die alone I give up on dating idc if people tell me I am too young to give up I am going to die alone,Suicidal +9283,Can I dm someone please about relationship related stuff? I need some help,Depression +9284,"I have dealt with chronic depression from a very young age, I am currently 31yrs old. There have been times in the past where I though I was as bad as I could get. Felt that hopeless despair and apathy. Rock bottom.The depths to which my depression could truly sink was discovered two weeks ago. There was no catalyst for this change, everything simply got completely unmanageable. My current mental state is much worse than I could have ever imagined possible. Every minute of every day feels like physical pain. No brief moments of relief what so ever. Nothing can distract me. No desire to continue on. I always used to pride myself on being strong in the face on my depression, that suicide was never an option, not for me. In these past two weeks my suicidal ideation has been strong. Thinking of family and loved ones no longer steers me clear of this option. This is truly a scary place to be, and I fear I am losing myself entirely. I do not know what I am looking for here, perhaps just a place to speak my peace. Much love reddit, stay strong. My chronic depression has recently transformed into something far worse than its ever been.",Depression +9285,"Hi everyone! I am a lifelong sufferer or generalized anxiety and historically have only has situational depression and as a result I have lots of tools for anxiety but few for depression. The past 2 years I have been suffering from severe depression. Right when i started to feel hopeful I found out I was to be evicted for owner move in. In 1 week I have to leave my home and city that I have called home for the last 20 years. No one is helping me pack or clean and tbh I would probably refuse any that a offered because I would not want anyone to see what has turned into a hoard as a result of my depression. I have been living in squalor. I have a plans and the technical tools i need to execute the cleanup and move but all I have been doing for three days is crying. This eviction is super personal and has forced me to face things about loved ones and myself that i was not prepared to do. The amount of grief, anger, and fear I am feeling is overwhelming and totally paralyzing me. If I cannot get my place cleaned up its going to make my current issues 10 times bigger. I need an off switch, or at least a pause button so I can get what i need done. Are there any tools /strategies that can help me let go of Or at least temporarily stuff these feelings so that I can get what I need to get done?I should note that I am being diligent about basic self-care such as eating, hydrating, and sleeping so you can skip those bits.Any and all tips are very much appreciated, I am drowning over here, thanks. Tips for coping with paralyzing grief?",Depression +9286,So suffering must continue No way of doing it,Suicidal +9287,"Everything is fuckedThe Earth is fucked. Climate change is just going to get worse and at this point I cannot do anything about it. The corporations and billionaires are just going to keep exploiting and raping the world of all of its treasures and natural beauties. I do not want to live in a world that is on its death bed. what is the point of going to college right now when I am not going to get a good job anyways. I may as well drop out and get a shit job because that is what Ill end up with no matter what. would not it be better if I just killed myself and rid the world of one less wasteful person? Population is an issue anyways. I do not want to work my entire life, never being able to retire. I fucking hate that I am addicted to my phone because its one of the only things I can occupy myself with without cutting myself to shreds. I became an adult last year and all I wish I could do is either die or go back to the ignorance and bliss of childhood. I want to be a happy idiot instead of a sad one. All that would make me happy is for me to live in the woods away from all people until I starve. I used to want to study film in school, and now that I am, all I want to do is quit. There is no money in making films when you have no talent or skill. I made the deans list after torturing myself this year as a freshman and instead of feeling any accomplishment, I just feel like I have to make it again this year or Ill just quit school all together. It does not even mean much because I am a fucking film student. I am wasting my time with a major that is a scam. The only issue is that there is nothing else in the world that I would study. I am stuck. I am not talented and I do not even know if I enjoy film so now I am just going to be stuck with a major that will not give me and chance of success in life.I am so done with this bullshit world but Id be lying if I were to say that I was going to kill myself. I do not even have the balls for that. I think about it every day but I am not brave enough to do it. I may even join the military and hope that I can die. I really need someone to just listen",Depression +9288,My girlfriend will rather play games with friends than talk to me and help me even when I tell her I am not okay (which is rare because I always keep everything for myself). I just want to talk to someone. Just want to talk to someone,Depression +9289,"Hi, I am 17 yo boy and i think i might have depression.I cannot enjoy almost anything, only 2 thing i enjoy are youtube videos and food. (I really have to dig for good youtube videos otherwise i do not watch them, sometimes i cannot find anything so I am getting angry and sad because i have nothing to do).I do not have motivation, i cannot push myself to do thing, i would like to learn programming and i would like to start working out. I wanted to work out for more then year now but i only get those motivation spikes - random day at random time i somehow do not mind excercising so i work out.I like to be alone, i do not enjoy being around people - i would rather be at home bored than outside having fun with my friends idk why is it this way :/. Maybe its because I am pretty shy and i view going out as something ""dangerous"" in my head, but i know it really is not dangerous but i have this feeling in me. I am also extremly shy around girls.I do not know if this is sign of depression but i get really nauseos from stress to the point when i have gag reflex but i do not actually puke.I actually need a lot of acceptance for others and i did not even realize it for a long time - i always talk in a way where i always need to be in ""good light"" (i do not look bad in eyes of others).Please tell me what do you think about this. Thanks and have a wonderful rest of the day. I i think i might have depression",Depression +9290,"Its like my anxiety becomes too much and too overwhelming and too draining which leads to depression and just the lack of energy to be anxious anymore. Its a weird constant cycle where I am either having extreme anxiety or dealing with extreme depression. No matter what I do I can never win something always feels wrong and its exhausting. One of my major ways of coping is through drawing and animating but most of the time I do not even have enough motivation for that these days. I do not even know where I am going with this to be honest, but everything just seems hopeless. Drained",Depression +9291,"I hate my life, I feel no good emotions just pain,pain and more pain. My life is just endless suffering every single day. it is not fair I have no reason to stay alive",Depression +9292,"No matter if you are here because you have depression or you just want to help other depressive people, I wanted to give you a hug and tell you, do not ever give up. I know you can achieve a slighty better future or even a perfect one, never give up Keep on trying to achieve something bigger, I am proud of you for trying! Just wanted to say this",Depression +9293,"I know this post is going to be very sudden and very random (especially for someone who has joined reddit now), but I have been thinking about doing this for a while, so that is what I am going to do. The post is basically what the title says, if you need a friend, I am here :). I know what it is like to deal with this constant pain, and how lonely we feel. I constantly feel a need to express what I feel and talk to someone who could maybe understand what it is like to feel the weight of the universe on your shoulders. So if you need to rant about how you feel, or just want to make a new friendship, I am more than willing! I would love to make new friends, especially with people who probably understand me. PS: I do not know if this kind of information is important (it probably is), but I am a 16 year old girl. If you need a friend",Depression +9294,"Nothing in life is worth living for. My parents would get over me being gone. My friends would be sad for a little but would move on too. Nothing feels like it is worth it. Not love, not money, not my faith... nothing. I am sick of this crushing loneliness and if given the opportunity to cease existing I would take it in a heartbeat. I am just a fat loser who has spent his entire life making other people happy only to not do the same for myself and it is too late now. Cee ya later everyone! Prolly going to do it soon. Or at least I would like to.",Suicidal +9295,Hey everyone. Just checking on anyone who is needing some support. I hope you are all okay. Thanks for surviving and choosing life one day at a time. Hang in there Hey,Suicidal +9296,"you all In may i was insomniac (4AM-9AM), impossible to sleep early.But my shape was good I try griffonia And millepertuis in self-medication. Since, I am tired 3/4 hours per day, less emotion And almost anhedonia.Can the griffonia And millepertuis did that ? Is self-medication dangerous ?",Depression +9297,"I am no ones first choice for anything. The only reason I can come up with as to why is that I am just not good enough. I want to die now. I am so tired. Everyone leaves me, I am so lonely. I am always last",Suicidal +9298,"this is my first reddit post ever. I am wondering is this suicidal ideation the normal one I have always had, just with some of the emotion and anxiety lifted because of the meds? or is it additional from the meds? before the meds I have thought a lot about it and known already that it would be more preferable to not live in this horrid world than it would be. I am 36 so have had time to think and learn about the state of things. I am not the type to do the typical life with kids house all that stuff. I am really philosophical and get caught up in existential crisis all the time, the fact alone that people eat animals sends me into a dark spiral of not wanting to exist anymore. and then I think about things like people force feeding street drugs to babies,..and obviously everything else that happens. and that people do not give a SHIT. about. anything. the earth, animals,other humans,anything. its sickening amd i just cannot handle it anymore.anyway, I do not think there is anything wrong with not wanting to live in a world like this, after all we were never given a choice. in fact I think it is normal *not* to want to, but that is just hushed in our society.so before starting the SSRI (generic lexapro) I already knew and felt this, but was SO overwhelmed with these thoughts and extreme extreme emotion and panic from it, along w the disarray of late diagnosed and unmanaged adult ADHD life, i felt like i was exploding more every day. i could not even think about existence because it is just too unfathomable and awful that this is how things are. i was at my wits end and its what eventually made me decide to take the SSRI (in addition to already taking a very low dose stim for adhd ), which I was resisting for a long time. always been anti-meds but LITERALLY could not STAND carrying on this way, so was desperate to try anything. i did not even care about my ""natural healing"" beliefs anymore. now, almost 1.5 month into the SSRI, it is like the emotion amd anxiety about this has lifted, but the knowledge is still there. I am very clear and calm about it now. I am working on paying down my debt, which was another source of my woes, and finally in a financial position to be able to do it. and regularly think about once I get all of my debt paid down and all of my shit squared off, I can then consider planning an exit, if my attempts at happiness or even just contentment do not work. I am close with my sisters and family but they just started having kids, have their lives, and do all of that now, I am so far removed from wanting or relating to any of that, and while I love them deeply and they and my cats are the main reason I *would not* voluntarily leave this earth... each of us can only suffer for so long right? am I supposed to exist in hatred and stress forever because I do not want them to be sad about me leaving? i know it would be terrible for them amd selfish of me but in the end, they have their lives and their families and their kids and they would be able to move on with each other. the more they start developing their own families, the more detached I become and drawn towards this plan. and I am not irrational, it is not like I would just leave all my hoarded crap for them to deal with. i would tie up all my loose ends first and make sure my cats had someone to care for them. plus honestly, its almost like its motivation for me to get my shit together, to fix my financial life. and it is almost like I am planning a vacation or a trip, I feel the same way, that same eagerness or like I have this thing in the distance that I can look forward to. I have always needed things like that, probably the adhd, to know there is something coming up. its just that this something happens to be the end of everything. which is relief!SO... is this alarming? i do not feel like it is, i cannot emphasize how surprisingly calm i feel about it. and like i have a secret too. but because I have never felt calm about it before, just want to reach out and see opinions. does anyone else feel this way and do you agree that its kindof more alarming to WANT to exist in this kind of world? at least if you are paying attention. and do not have kids to exist for.and i know I can talk to my or a therapist but I also do not want them freaking out and making a big deal out of it, that is why i would never tell family or the few friends i have. i think we are entitled to have these ideas. mostly just wondering if the SSRI is strengthening them or just lifting the emotion out of it. sorry so long. any thoughts appreciated suicidal ideation, recent SSRI, should I be alarmed?",Depression +9299,"Please insult me, I deserve it Please insult me",Depression +9300,"I do not know who I am anymore. I am in a hole financially and metaphorically and I do not know what to do about either. I have done what I could to fix both. I tried doing a side job to make more money, but I owe more than when I started. I sought help for my depression, I tried to change things about myself, but I just do not have it in me anymore. I am tired of trying to change things and getting beaten down for it. I feel like I am just passively observing life happen around me. I do not have the kind of time or resources to better myself, and whenever I do something just sets me back. I am tired of this whole thing. I am broken and I do not know how to fix it",Depression +9301,"No rhyme or reason, we could even be helping each other with some shit, but somehow, some way, something goes wrong and I am ghosted. Never understood it, probably never will. Even after deep conversations and each other having established boundaries, both of which were mutual... its like a switch was flippedPeople keep asking me why I do not show too much emotion, its because it seems that every single fucking time I do, I am just thrown away. Just a couple swipes and I am out of their life. I get to be vulnerable for all but 1 day with someone I have connected and built trust with, and then I am just fucked for some reason. I do not get it why cannot someone just love me. Just going to take a perc and drown out the night, I am sick of this. Pretty sure I am about to lose another set of friends, yet again",Depression +9302,"I am back at my shitty job I hate. kind of making me depressed, but I need it. Back to work",Depression +9303,"For over a decade I suffer from insane emotional pain among other things. I have tried everything. Electroshocks (only effect was loosing memory for 3 months), multiple hospitals, various combinations of different pills, therapy, solving issues from my past, selfgrowth, practicing positive thinking (what a joke) and many other things. Guess what! Nothing worked. So I was like okay I really need to try everything before I finally go away from this sick world. So noone can say I did not try. I moved to another country (I am in Europe), I got amazing job (IT field), friends... I have everything. I should be happy right? I even went on vacation for 10 days (small sailing boat in Greece) and returned on start of this month. Everyone is telling me that I will never forget such vacation and that it must have been amazing but... seriously I felt nothing. They say ""wow such an amazing view!"" and I just cannot see it. My illness took everything from me. I cannot feel joy, happiness... only everyday pain. If you wonder what is my diagnosis then officially its schizophrenia. It was explained to me that its only because they can prescribe most existing pills with this as official diagnosis. Other diagnosis are restricted - you cannot get any pill you want/need. So trust me that I tried everything and even brand new pills called Reagila which should have been breakthrough in treating these issues. But during those years every hospital told me something else. I was officially diagnosed with so many things that its really just one big joke. No one wants to admit that they have no idea what is going on and that they just cannot treat this. Maybe in next century right? Well I am not going to wait for that. I mean they allow euthanasia for people who are in pain and their condition is not treatable. So what is the difference bettween those people and me?! I consider myself as rational person but I really do not see what else could I try. I think this is it. I give up. Now I am just able to function with Xanax (basically sedative pill) which is helping a little bit (pain is still there just little less intensive) but that is also not a solution since its addictive and makes you walking zombie. That little lie... I mean hope which I told myself everyday - that everything will pass and I will be able to be happy... its just not real. I am damaged beyond repair. Like old people cannot fix their legs, blood pressure and other things - I cannot fix my brain. Its time to face reality. I am in peace with what was, is and will be. Btw do not worry I m not doing it today. Hope is a lie which keeps me alive",Suicidal +9304,"Previously I had a plan to wait 28 days, which i posted here. As things escalate in tension at home, I am wondering if i can even make it to next month. I am having impulses to end it all today. update no. 1",Suicidal +9305,I do not know where to askI've been struggling with suicide thoughts lately (I get professional help so I am okay) Yesterday when I was cleaning my apartment I found an note where I wrote about my suicide thoughts and an suicide letter to it as well. Somehow I got scared when I read it. I know it was my thoughts I wrote and I was in a very dark place when I wrote that. But it scared me somehow. I threw the note away and the letter. But I wonder is weird that I got scared when I read the note? Is this strange?,Suicidal +9306,"I have done self harm in the past (I am almost 1 month sober:) ) I do not really want to hurt myself. Sometimes I am cooking and I will be cutting something, and I want to see how sharp it is so I think about cutting myself, it is not for coping, I just get curious. There are other example I just cannot think of any right now. I am planning to talk to my therapist, but it is really confusing me. Sometimes I want to experiment with self harm",Depression +9307,"Everything just feels so hopeless. The days are all blending together. Two weeks passes in the blink of an eye and I still have not left my apartment, still working from home,still broke. I spend every day doing the same thing. I hate my at home job so much when I am through with work I either sleep or just stare at the ceiling. I have no joy anymore or any will to engage in my passions/hobbies. My most exciting outing the pst few months was getting a tooth pulled. I do not leave my apartment because I have no friends and anything I need I can get delivered. My job is basically to be a verbal punching bag since I work for a corrupt company. I have spent many nights longing for a friend willing to check in on me or come see me. No new messages, read one week ago. I have just come to accept no matter how hard I try I will never have friends. If it were not for my boyfriend who lives with me I would have ended it a while ago he is the only thing that takes my loneliness away even for a moment. But even he has no clue what goes through me head every day and I am getting worse. Time is standing still",Depression +9308,A person or some rando stranger that raped you? Did you stay or keep in touch with and keep talking to,Suicidal +9309,"that is just basically everyday me. Even if I am not doing anything productive, I am still feeling tired as usual.",Depression +9310,"Suicide, Anxiety, Mental Illness, Hopelessness, Sorrow, Darkness ... Depression",Depression +9311,might just kill myself tonight :D rapist boyfriend is leaving me rn,Suicidal +9312,"I am 24 now and I am still the same piece of shit I was 10 years ago. I started cutting when I was 12. My arms, my legs, my stomach. I constantly have to make sure that no one sees them. I tried to kill myself when I was 13. Everyday I wake up and look at my arm. it is still visible. It fucks me over. Day after day, after day. I can remember it all so clearly, it is a constant nightmare. It hurts to relive it every single day. The pain is still there and never left. I wish I would have never started to cut, it is just a daily reminder that I am too weak to kill myself. I still see my scars from 10 years ago",Suicidal +9313,"Life was going so well that I did not even realize I was running low on my Zoloft!!! 0 refills left, no appointments available until mid august, and I took my last available dose on Thursday. I am already starting to feel pretty crappy / withdrawal. Is there a legit way to get a temporary refill before august!? I am afraid of what my mental state will be if I go cold turkey that long. I have heard of GoodRx but was not sure how it worked Forgot to schedule my refill appointment",Depression +9314,"My moms friend: how is school going?Me: I left actually, it was not a good fitFriend: so you are not going back ever?Me: noFriend: oh my god why on earth would you do that??Idk maybe because I failed a class in repeat year which made me deeply depressed which led to more failures when led school to tell me to leave before they kick me out rather than offering support at any point.Not going to say that but omg her statement/question hurt A small encounter",Depression +9315,"why can i not live in peace? why do i have to destroy every good thing I have got? why do i have to feel like shit everyday? why do i feel like wanting to hit someone but at the same time i want to just sleep... I am tired of me, tired of everyone else, tired of this world i live in fuck",Depression +9316,"I do not even know where to start.. Or even what to say, I am that overwhelmed by what I have been feeling the past 2 weeks, I am at my lowest point I have ever been, cannot go 10 minutes without crying, cannot get out of bed, cannot sleep (averaging 2-3 hours a day, with sedatives from my psychiatrist), I just want this damn pain to end, I cannot keep living like this, I do not have the power to keep putting that damn fake smile on, and there is not one person I have in my whole life I can talk to about this, they do not understand how frustrating and agonizing it is living like this, and the only person that made me fell wanted, ever, does not want anything to do with me anymore, and I do not blame her, I am too much even for myself, I should not even try to be in a relationship, I am not well enough, or at all, and after countless therapy sessions and pills, I do not think I will ever be.I do not want to end it, but living like this.. Man.. I do not wish this on my worst enemy Wish this would end",Depression +9317,"literally all the time i think about dying but its so hard to actually kill myself. there is a few bridges near me that are high enough but I am too young to drive. i do not want to cut myself, i think that is too messy and is not consistent enough. Anyone have any advice? I do not really have friends and i see all these people having fun with their lives and hanging out everyday and all i think about is how little anything means bc everyone will die eventually so nothing you do matters. Even if you do something in your life that affects someone else in a good way, you will never get to see it bc you will be dead. I really do not want to just keep living thru the same shit every day, hoping it will get better. because either way I am still going to die. I just want it to be over. I really really want to die",Suicidal +9318,"Title is basically this, we were together for almost 7 years which is almost a third of my life. She was my first and only love and I do not want to find anyone else becaue I only ever loved her. Life is hollow and meaningless now. Everything I worked for, for the both of us, it does not matter any more unless I can share it with her My Partner Took Her Life And I Want To Be With Her",Suicidal +9319,I feel nothing. I like this. Numb,Depression +9320,"Yet he says hes ready to go, nobody wants him to go he just feels like hes no good to anyone and just a bother. He says hes going to do it. I am scared hes going to, I am scared to go home because he has not responded to me today. I do not want him feeling like this and I have little control. I am so scared of dying.",Suicidal +9321,i cannot take care of myself anymore. i do not want to. i want others to take care of me but they all hate me. existing,Depression +9322,i feel like I am going insane right now but I am okay with it. things are running through my head and for sme reason i do not have the energy to care. i do not feel like I am going to live to be able to drink. and that is something I have accepted. my thoughts,Depression +9323,"Been cutting ties lately. Only the job left but I might fix that tomorrow.There is a road close by, I could jump in front of a truck. I took some meassurments and calculated that the driver would not be able to stopp before impact. It would not be kind to the driver though. Might traumatize the poor fellow. Everything I see is an instrument - begging to be used. But I cannot bring myself to do the deed. There is nothing left. I still feel pain when I try to hurt myself but not much else. No happiness. No sadness. Just - done. The Descent",Suicidal +9324,"So an old friend invited me to his farewell party, I normally do not get invites like this but he was going away to another country, to be honest we were never that close because we went to different Universities but I get along well with him. It was a dinner party and there were about 12 people there most were female friends of his girlfriend and like 3 guys, the whole night I felt so zoned out, I felt horrible that I was not being friendly or talking to the others but I felt so faded, the alcohol made it even worse. One of the guys remarked how I barely talked to anyone the whole night, I felt crushed, I gave the usual a xcuse of I am tired but it was difficult not to leave right away. I was the first to leave it felt like I was giving up officially, I came home and cried.. yeah a 22yr old dude cried after a party, I feel like I am just a loser and no matter how much I force myself I will always be a loser, I give up even trying anymore I am tired of it. I cannot even hang out with people, I feel like a broken person",Depression +9325,and this does not mean i want to die. i just want to exist. I am fine with just being here. anything fun is just a distraction from how much the world actually sucks. the closest I have been to being happy is being asleep. i do not want to live,Depression +9326,"First time poster so excuse my grammar and format...I met my wife about 3 years ago, fast I know but I was so happy. I had been so lost and depressed and I found some one who showed real interest in me...some one who loved me for me. But I had my own issues and problems. I hurt her over and over (not physically and I never cheated) and she gave me chance after chance. We had a beautiful baby girl 13 months ago...finally I had the family I always wanted...A family of my own, a beautiful wife and daughter. But I continued to screw myself and her over with my actions...I was not present mentally...I was not supportive enough. We would get into arguments that made both of us want to kill our selves. we have both tried at different points...we both self harm. But now its all over...our relationship is dead to her. She really tried, I did not try nearly hard enough. I did love her, I really did...but I am just a selfish bastard. We did not end in a horrible way at all, in fact we still live together for the sake of our daughter. But for all the times I have hurt her...for all the chances I had...I guess this karma coming full circle? I just feel so broken, hollow and cold. Like I am not the one who should get any form of pity...I felt so bad that I need to vent in some way...to feel...something. I cut my self bad enough to need a hospital visit...I guess that box cutter was not as dull as I thought. But the funny thing is I did not even feel it...I feel like I am regressing back into the person I used to be...the one who shuts out the world. Cutting made me feel better for a little bit...but its not enough. I do not want to die, more like I cannot die. My daughter did not ask to be here, and I owe it to her to stay around for her. But I want it to end deep down...I keep thinking I should have died in that motorcycle accident years before we met. If I did not have my daughter, I probably would have put a bullet in my head already.For all the mistakes I made...I am so sorry...I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could start over again. I was so happy for the first time in years...and now its all gone. I am such a fool. I think I need to be medicated...but I just cannot afford that kind of thing right now, let alone set professional help.Anyway...I just wanted to rant/vent...thanks Venting-I lost everything I ever wanted due to my own mistakes",Depression +9327,At the beginning of each month my depression is almost non existent. Towards the end of the month it is unbearable. I have cash at the beginning of the month. Non around the 15th each month.Why do doctors not prescribe money to cure depression? I am absolutely positive that if I would get 6000$ - 7000$ per month I would be a lot better. I would probably be so well that I would be a valuable member of society. Money appears to solve all of my depressive symptoms,Depression +9328,I do not know if this is the right subreddit but I am just looking for advice.As i said in the title I am planning to kill myself nothing is going to change my mind but I was wondering what I should write. I guess I am just asking if I should be truthful or not. Should I tell my sister and brother that the jokes they made killed me a little by little should I tell my parents that a big reason of why I killed myself is because of the things they have done. I mean would you want your loved one to be truthful in their suicide note or would you want a generic I love you so much but my demons were bigger. I am going to kill myself by the end of summer break that means in about one and a half months. I was thinking about my suicide note and I do not know what i should write.,Suicidal +9329,"Hello, new account new me, right? As such, I think Id like to let you know that I am a 22 year old bachelors degree holding female. I am college educated in what I am struggling with but that has not helped. I have been dealing with delusions and hallucinations for years. Lack of sleep, follows, of course, and while I am not medicated for these happenings I am well versed on how to.. handle them. At least I thought I was. It all started at work, right? Last Monday, a week from today. I was asked to speak with my supervisor right before she was to leave. She and her boss had written me up. Fine, fine. that is fine. I was fine with it until I realized they were lying about it. I had the proof. Proof somewhere, proof everywhere. Everyone Id told said it was ridiculous. I said it was fine.Until I looked at the proof. That spiraled into getting a binder to hold the proof. A notebook to write down times, a box of paper clips to hold proof together, a box of sticky notes to annotate my work lists and proof. I called off yesterday. I stayed up all night; the tv yelling at me, bugs crawling on me, my husbands itching disturbing me. It was rough, and it happened again last night, I did not get to sleep until 5ish am. But I got up dreading life at around 8am. The people at work are staring at me, my bosses plotting against me, my coworkers talking about me. I cannot handle this. I just want to sleep forever but I cannot even get to sleep in the first place. Post Title (Required)",Suicidal +9330,"What do you do when someone says this to you? I have no words My bf says to me ""stop being so depressed""",Depression +9331,"I have never wished for death like I do now, I want to go to a forest in the middle of the night and deepthroat a shotgun. I want to be free from this, I want to feel happy again. I want to feel anything positive again. All I want is to die",Suicidal +9332,"I am mid-twenties male, and I am about ready to call it quits. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts on and off starting in my teens. Everytime it is come into my mind until now I would wind up crying and being too scared to go further. I would think of how sad all my friends and family would be and how I would be letting them all down. Not this time though. Now I just feel an expanding emptiness in my stomach. It really does seem like the best path forward.This past year has been the worst in my life, continuing a constant downtrend and I might be done. Of course it was not all bad. There were definitely some years, even consecutively sometimes, that made me believe that it would turn around, but I now have conclusive proof it will not. About a year ago, I wound up getting diagnosed with something new every couple of months and it looks like I can expect to be in constant pain until I croak. If I let it happen naturally, it will be decades. I still get to live a full length life if I want, but I do not think I want to. there is nothing so good in my life that makes me think sticking around worthwhile.I have good friends, a good job, a healthy social life, but I just do not want to anymore. Is it selfish to want to call it quits, or is it selfish for everyone to want to keep me around even though I do not want to be here?I do not have any immediate plans since those would be rash, but I am going to start planning. I will want to sort my affairs to make my passing as convenient as it can be. I feel empty, but I think I am still being reasonable. I do not know why I wrote this. Why is it so taboo to end it all?",Suicidal +9333,"Do you remember that pure happiness and joy when we were kids, where did it go ? We feel some joy but not like that when we were younger that warm happiness ,Is it chemicals ?Things we saw and knew about the world that fucked our brains ? Why most of us feel stuck and suicidal ? I am not native sorry about the mistakes Why we feel unhappy without obvious reasons",Suicidal +9334,"I finally have the ability to afford therapy for the first time in my life, but I am terrified to make that first step. Even just looking through therapists on my network is overwhelming. Making that call will be even harder. I do not know what to expect, and I have never spoken about my mental health out loud before.Honestly, a part of me wants to run and hide, even though I know that I desperately need professional help. Why is seeking help so overwhelming/terrifying?",Depression +9335,"(vent) i have everything fully planned out and i know a way that most likely will not fail, i cannot do it until another few weeks so i have to just cope with it until then. i wish i could just feel better because in my heart i do not really want to die, i love living. when i feel happiness i feel it greater than any emotion. but i have not felt happy in a long time now. i just want to feel better. instead i feel numb. I have felt like this for so many years.I am so scared of leaving my loved ones because i know how much its going to hurt them, but I am dead set on doing this after countless attempts. i know it seems selfish but i just cannot cope anymore. i need to write a note, or a recording of my suicide note to explain why i killed myself. my whole childhood I have been suicidal. i do not know anything else. I am sorry if this seems like a ramble, i cannot explain what i want to say using words.If anybody reads this all, thankyou :) it means a lot to me <3 i am so tired",Suicidal +9336,"Despite being 100 pounds overweight, Id always held out hope I could eventually straighten that out. Plenty of folks have done it before; it is something that seems achievable.Even though I have been stuck one class away from a degree, I have always believed I could eventually get it. it is just one class. Just because I have failed it twice before does not mean it would be forever.But socially, I am just stuck.I have no hobbies. I have no interests. I have nothing with which I can start conversations with others, much less sustain them.And what hurts is that I just cannot make friends. I always feel like I am helping others, but then I am told it is just annoying. Not necessarily UNhelpful. Just annoying. I know others struggle with this, and I know my ""friends"" are not just being assholes or anything, but I can never seem to find that ""line"". I want to be helpful, since it is my only potential asset towards a human relationship, but I do not think Ill ever be able to do it in a way that is meaningful to anyone.that is just todays episode though.I just do not feel like Ill ever understand social nuance. I am probably on the spectrum somewhere, but not enough so in order to be diagnosed. I just hate it. I hate being so trapped mentally.I want to go away so that Ill never again be a burden to the people I care about. Well, one last time, but whatever. I do not feel like I can ever overcome my social ineptitude.",Suicidal +9337,Ever day I wake up feeling like a failure. I always have this feeling of impending doom. What can I do to make these feelings go away? Every morning I wake up feeling like a failure.,Depression +9338,So I am a 20-year-old uni student and yeah I am not doing that good at uni but I am passing but the thing is like okay so I passed all my subjects with decent grades but like I just do not care you know? Even when I think about my future I just do not care as I have no ambition like at all? I just want to survive that is all. I do not really want to be the best or live up to my potential or whatever is that normal? Is it weird that I do not care about my future,Depression +9339,I am in a polyamorous relationship with 4 others well.. 3 other one amber went out to see a friend she said who is out of state nobody went with her we are all suicidal or were suicidal i got a message i love you bye and that is it she is suicidal oh fuck oh fuck I feel so empty,Suicidal +9340,"Had my dad drop me off at the mall today. Was feeling awful and impulsively walked up to the top of the parking thing and looked over the edge. I put my left foot onto the edge of the wall and told myself this was the hardest part, and if I could get through this I am home free.it is really scary, though. it is not easy at all. Not only did the height look just high enough to paralyze me but just not quite high to kill me, the thought of jumping is extremely daunting. I do not think ill ever get it done this way. I might go back up a few times before my dad comes to get me to familiarize myself with the thoughtObviously not asking for a more reliable way to kill myself, just thought id share an interesting experience I had. Also called the Suicide Hotline but hung up. Heard bad things about them and the last thing I need is a ""professional"" patronizing and demeaning me. Today I have the closest came to doing it",Suicidal +9341,"I have had depression/anxiety symptoms since I was a teenager. I just kept telling myself that ""as soon as X happens, then maybe I will enjoy life again."" I am 35 now, been through therapy, on medication, and my feelings are still not changing. I do not really like anything anymore except for self harming behaviors. Every time I leave my house it is a chore. I have all my needs met, a job I do not hate, even a life partner. However, I still wish to go to sleep and never wake up. When will I feel like my life is worth living? When I am 40, 50, 70?! It seems a cruel joke that I have now roped in my SO into a life I never really wanted in the first place. I just cannot remember ever feeling like I belong here, and at this point I do not know that I will. Ok, but when does it get better?",Depression +9342,"I have hardly ever had a GF and I am 26, I am so fucking lame... I have tried but they just want to be friends or want nothing to do with me. I was talking to this one girl who is like perfect, we have so much in common it is scary. We talk like we have known each other for years, thi we met in April. She said she does not want to date and just wants to be friends. Its fucking shit, like what is wrong with me? Maybe I am just ugly or too weird, idk. I am starting to accept the fact that maybe I am meant to be alone... Are some people just meant to be alone?",Depression +9343,"I spent so long being sad. I have been depressed since I was 14. I am 25 now. I remember growing up thinking how successful I was going to be and none of it panned out. I am a high school dropout stuck in a job that makes me want to kill myself. No drive or motivation to improve my circumstances. Just driving to work everyday hoping Ill have a head-on collision with a semi, that way maybe it will take some of the grief away from sister thinking it was accidental, and also because I am too much of a coward to actually kill myself. I mean, obviously as a teen with a drug addict mom, the deck was stacked against me. Add-on being bullied all throughout school for being gay and having absolutely no self worth from it to this day. I should seek refuge in my own community right? I am not 160 pounds, do not have a six pack, and not fully white so they could not care less about my circumstances. I have tried the therapy and pills thing and I love getting to sacrifice any and all emotion just to not feel the negative ones. I do not even get sad anymore. I just feel bitter and angry. I genuinely see other people thriving and it makes me hope something terrible happens to them that ruins their life. Why should they get to be happy but I do not? Why is it fair? At least I always have alcohol. Its just anger",Depression +9344,Y'aw mean? Sometimes I feel like I just want to deepthroat a gun,Suicidal +9345,My partner is the breadwinner and all I can do is watch them suffer as they try to support us. I feel like such a worthless burden. I apply everyday do everything I can but I never get anything back. For 2 years now and I do not know how much more I can take. Jobless for nearly 2 years has pushed me over the edge.,Suicidal +9346,"Never thought I would be able to smile as much last night with him, have not really smiled for a long time.But now I am scared that I have just added another person on my list of people to leave a letter to I think just fell in love with someone that gives me a glimmer of hope to live another day",Suicidal +9347,"She was my only friend, my best friend. The only person that even really cared about me. And I knew she did not love me back, but I did not think I would lose my friend. I miss her so much. I miss hearing her voice and talking to her every day. I ruined it. I ruined everything. My only friend is gone and Ill never forgive myself. I cannot live without her. All I ever do is ruin every good thing that ever comes into my life. She knew about everything Id gone through, and she still did this to me. Rather, I did this to myself. I see no other way out right now. My best friend will not talk to me since I told her I loved her. I want to drive to her house and shoot myself in front of her",Suicidal +9348,Speaking from personal experience I think the hardest part about depression is that you do not want help. Not really. You have to learn that you are worth the help and not push it away..which is hard:/,Depression +9349,"I have lost so much. We all have. Time, people, personalities, fucking lives.I do not want to do it any more. anxiety and depression have robbed me of another relationship.",Depression +9350,"I have been trying to get back on track with my life and do something, The first thing I want to do is start a routine, brushing my teeth in the morning, showering, making my bed etc. I have tried countless times to do this but each time my routine failed, either because I forgot about those things and went back to my old ways, or I had another depressive episode and just went ""eh screw it, what is the point of me trying so hard anyway"". Then I end up back at square one, thinking to myself why I made that choice. it is an endless loop I have been going through with a lot of things, not just the routine I mentioned. How can I keep a routine?",Depression +9351,Honestly fuck this shit .,Suicidal +9352,"Do you all ever feel like your head is going to explode with all the thoughts and idea crawling inside? I consider myself a pretty logical person, I love to find answer to things and do research, a reason why I love school. When it comes to my own purpose, the human purpose, why were here, how everything was created, etc I want to dig and dig and dig but it just becomes a cluster inside of my head. I feel like I am trying to dig in into my brain but I am being held back. I feel sad most of the days as I am trying so much to help myself and others, I feel helpless some days and others I try to cope with the idea that there is meaning in my existence I just might never know the true purpose of life. At the end I feel empty, miserable that I cannot figure out my questions. I have tried to find peace in the universe and creating my own spirituality with what makes sense and has logic. But I still want to know more. I have been trying to fight my depression for long and I still do but my head does not leave me alone. I feel like the only person that understands me (or tries) is my therapist, other than that I feel alone, also I was listening to Emma chamberlains podcast on spirituality and I felt like there is people out there like me. Why am I like this. I am so hard on myself, I am scared to not achieve what I believe is my purpose, I am scared to let myself down. Empty? Crowded? Idk",Depression +9353,"I am a 15 year old male and I have really really strict parents. I have little to no privacy whatsoever. My parents are constantly questioning me about my personal life as if its an interrogation. They always go through my messages to see if they find anything. On top of all this they rarely let me hang out with my friends and they have strict limits on when or when I cannot use my phone. I am only able to use it for about an hour a day and they also banned many social media apps on my phone including snapchat, instagram etc. Reddit is not banned I guess because it counts as a news app. Anyways I recently moved to a new school and I have had a really hard time making friends. I have only made like one or two friends throughout the entire school year. I do not know if its my social skills or my lack of confidence or me not being able to use social media. I just cannot stand it anymore and I feel like its time for the end. What do I do at this point? What should I do",Suicidal +9354,"For the past two months I have been feeling like actual crap for no reason. No big life changes (besides starting to drive and getting a job) have happened. For whatever reason I just feel sad. I am a overweight person that used to just eat all the freaking time, but about a couple weeks ago I just stopped eating. I do not ever feel hunger whatsoever. I lost 20 pounds already. I am not ashamed of being heavier its just that I literally just do not want to eat. The only reason why I even get out of bed is to get ready for work. When I am off I just lay in bed and do nothing. Do I have depression?",Depression +9355,"Today i finally smiled and got happy but not because all my problems are fixed, they are literally the same as they were yesterday. I got happy because i finally found the motivation to fix them. I am not crying because i have never been loved, have family problems, get bullied, have 100s of assignments pending and no one likes me but I am smiling because i am at least trying to fight back and fix everything. I finally tried putting some effort in myself and looking at everything positively. Maybe this is all because i got high today but at least i felt some happiness. I finally felt happy after a long time and found some motivation to fix everything",Depression +9356,"I am 20F. Was born extremely premature, underdeveloped and have never recovered. I am the product of an abusive parent, both emotionally and physically. I had barely any friends growing up, and was severely bullied. I truly hate myself inside and outI have been abused and bullied by every teacher, boss and anyone who has held power over me. They enjoy it. I have no attention span and have never had any desire to do well in school, on top of that I have severe dyscalculia and many learning disabilities. I cannot even do simple math. I feel as though I am not human , everyone around me gets to be happy and gets everything they want and I get nothing. Ever. I have never gotten anything. My best friend is perfect. She is rich, attractive, smart, athletic and always has a boyfriend. She always talks about how lucky she is and she feels bad about me being so unlucky. She torments me about it. I cannot take it. Therapy and medication does not work. I recently moved across the country with my family, away from my hometown. So now I have no friends. None at all. And its impossible for me to make them. In college, I have only one friend. Everyone finds me weird. I hate talking to people. The only thing I enjoy is being in my room alone. I have severe health anxiety because I am convinced my body is not normal and does not work like an actual humans body, mixed with extremely bad luck. I have never had a serious relationship, every guy leaves even though I hide my issues extremely well. Never had a relationship end without ghosting. I have accepted I will end up alone because I am not normal or even human. I am home from college for the summer. I scream and yell at my family everyday, I am ruining their lives. They have come to hate me. I do not blame them. I cannot help it, I am so jealous of their normal sane lives. My dog is scared of me because I scream so much. I had only one talent and that was singing. I had a beautiful singing voice and I was a music major in college. It was all I had. I now can no longer sing because of the screaming. I imagine the damage is permanent and Ill never be able to sing again. I barely get out of bed. My room is a mess. I cannot get out of the house to get a job. I absolutely hate myself. I cannot take much more. I just need support. Has anyone else felt like this before? Need to rant",Suicidal +9357,"She was my only friend, my best friend. The only person that even really cared about me. And I knew she did not love me back, but I did not think I would lose my friend. I miss her so much. I miss hearing her voice and talking to her every day. I ruined it. I ruined everything. My only friend is gone and Ill never forgive myself. I cannot live without her. My best friend will not talk to me since I told her I loved her. I am going to drive to her house with a gun and shoot myself in front of her.",Depression +9358,"This is a tough world. I know how many have it harder than me. I am a social worker with a Master's degree. I did everything right, but did a lot wrong too. I am human. I struggle with my faith. I never had a great relationship with my family. I am not here to cry ""fuck the world, it is all bad"". I mean I genuinely feel like I do not belong here. My mom died when I was 17, and one of my best friends died at 23. We planned a whole future together and it is gone now. I accept death. I accept inequitable suffering.I am having a hard time coping with life. I feel like I never coped with it well. I take great care of myself otherwise: I have good relationships, daily excercise, I am in great physical shape. I was never fired from a job. Nothing I have done has ever been enough. I am always filled with sadness and lately, bad anxiety. Irregardless of my achievements the future seems bleak because of climate change, student loans, high rent, and low paying jobs. Sometimes I am afraid of dying because I was indoctrinated into the Catholic faith of eternal damnnation and suffering. This has been a source of lifelong anxiety that has run my life. I do my best to think objectively and to be always kind, meaningful, and humble. it is a tough life. My parents do not believe in suicidal thoughts or mental health. I am sad and tired every day. I am not selfish, I do not take my health or life or anything of my privileges for granted. I do not. I always wished I could die in a field / nature center I care deeply for. I always wanted to leave a loving and kind mark on the world. I am not angry. But I am a lost soul. I feel my best in nature and the society I am in has done a great job at destroying the integrity of natural life. I do not belong here. I suppose none of us really do. Mid-20s and need to vent. Thank you for any kindness or words of wisdom.",Suicidal +9359,I am 26MI am obese (BMI 34.5)I make $60K a yearI have no student loan debtI have a car and a house (house is valued at $250K)I have virtually no social contacts outside of my brother and fiancI have no money investedAll my peers seem to be doing better than me and I cannot help but feel that I am being left behind by everyone else.It has led my to SII do not know what to do about this. I could not sleep last night because I was so sad and angry feeling inadequate,Depression +9360,"Some might remember my last post about fearing i have shizophrenia. UPDATE my friend now also got the girl i wanted and was almost a couple with, and before that saying he would not do it . Gg's bois the bridge is calling for me. No more fucking questioning.",Suicidal +9361,I ghosted someone because they were a bad friend to me and criticized me to the point that it made me feel like if I got into one more argument that I am afraid I would snap and try to kill them or kill myself. My other friend is living with him now and it means I might have to see that ex friend that I ghosted. Also my other friend has been ignoring me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what is going to happen. I am afraid if I ho over there something is going to happen that is going to put me through so much mental suffering that I will fall into complete horror and despair and do something crazy and kill myself. I might have to confront someone and if it goes bad I will probably kill myself,Suicidal +9362,Sometimes i wonder if the state I am in right now (right after a mental breakdown) is just shock. I can recognize that none of the feelings i had during the breakdown are gone at all. I am just numb but can recognize a slight hint of these feelings still lingering. mental breakdown,Depression +9363,I give her everything and get nothing in return I am done trying. I give up,Depression +9364,"I made a mistake and told her I am looking for a better job. She mentions Subway hiring and I was like, WTF? Making ham subs will be a decent job for me? My current job is better than that and I cold call part time in a call center. She really ruined my mood and I even cried. Hygienist told me Subway is hiring",Depression +9365,"I am sad but cannot feelthe sensation enough to cry, I am hopeless and apathetic and just want to lay in bed, i cannot have enough thoughts to socialise, i do not have any sense of self, do not know what religion i am. its like I am feeling all the sensations of depression but in half measures, like i cannot just let goand feel it. What is this ? is it just apathy? What is happening ?",Depression +9366,"Hi everyone, first time poster!Maybe this is a post for some commiseration, but does anyone feel awesome, interesting, cool and not boring for long stretches and people always see you as that but then one day, you start overthinking things and the complete opposite feelings occur? it is especially worse when you clearly are in the wrong mindset and low self-worth just consumes you and no one, even close people, detect that? It feels like there is an asshole version of yourself inside your brain that constantly deflects all positive thoughts about you and intercepts it all. I am doing CBT and seeing a therapist every week, but I hate how these feelings rush over you and consume all of the progress you have made. I met this really cool girl 2 weeks ago and we have been having such a vibrant, interesting conversation and we have so much in common and looking forward to do things together. However, yesterday I smoke some weed with some friends (who I actually am trying to ween away from due to their different values, toxic men, etc.) and then all of a sudden I am having these feelings of not being good enough or cool enough for this dope girl I met. I am a man by the way and I find toxic masculinity to be something I really do not want to be a part of but I feel I am surrounded by men like that in my life. I am always looking at articles and posts about traits that are uncharismatic or make someone boring, and I objectively do not feel like any of those characteristics define me, but it still sucks that for every three giant leaps you take in confidence, it takes one day to have it crash down. My little brother yesterday told me I am extremely confident, and have been all of my life, and my coworkers always know I have a fun personality. How does one remind themselves that they are as cool and awesome as everyone around them? Every time I feel like I am on a stretch of happiness, one day will take me right back into feelings of low self worth",Depression +9367,"Honestly I thought I was doing better, I am on meds at least. But I just have no motivation to shower. What for? I have no friends or life since I isolated myself so much when I was at my lowest and I am stuck in a job I hate that I do not feel the need to keep up appearances for. Its disgusting obviously but I do not know how to fix it. I only shower once a week",Depression +9368,"I have been having a tough time the last couple years, but for a lot of that time I was covering up my depression with drug use. Since I got clean, I just cannot seem to find motivation to do much of anything. Things were worse in the last couple months as I struggled with housing stability, but even now I can barely push myself to leave my room or my bed. I know that my seratonin rewards system is fucked up right now due to the chemicals I was putting in, and I have an appointment nexr month for a pharma referral for antidepressants. I am hoping when I leave my sublet next week for a more permanent spot and can unload my storage unit, I can get back to more normal living since I will at least have more than just the one or two outfits I have been living in. I am not sure what my purpose is of this rant, I just do not know what to do with my life. I am grateful I have got a little savings and unemployment payments for the next few months, because I do not have much for family support apart from a phone call here and there and I am not sure where I will go moving forward. I have a meeting at my union apprenticeship next month, but I am not too eager to go back to 6-2 construction and waking up at 430. I am 37 and just feel like a fuckup with little prospects for my future. I do not want to kill myself, but I definitely have had fantasies that I just do not exist so I do not have to shoulder the burdens of life. it is stupid, but I also have this fantasy that I will win one of the $million vaccination giveaways coming up this month and it will solve all my problems. I am sure it would not and I would just have new problems in addition to barely being able to leave my room, but the financial stability would certainly help. Struggling with finding meaning, desire for more in life",Depression +9369,I am in the hospital waiting for evaluation and am feeling like there is nothing left. Please just help me get some encouragement to keep living and stay happy. Please help,Suicidal +9370,"I honestly do not understand it myself. Maybe its my stupid monke brain that is just missing people, a real person. One person I chose to be around, not my family or the hateful people I am forced to be around at school. Someone that I would not jump out a window to avoid in public. It just makes me sad to realise I am probably not going to meet a person like that. I do not like to socialise but I am lonely",Depression +9371,I decided to take a break from a few social apps that I used all the time. Everything has been super stressful lately and I have really just been wanting to cut off communication with everyone. The only bad side to this is not having someone to help me out when I am feeling really depressed. I really hope this helps me get in a better place mentally. This is going to be tough,Depression +9372,My great grandpa passed abt 2 months ago and ever since I have not only been mentally exhausted but physically drained every day. I have had depression for years but I have never been so far into it that I am perpetually sore and tired. I want to start working out again so I would feel better but i cannot get myself to start. I am not suicidal but I just want something to change. Like I am finding myself wanting to pack my things up and move away from this place. Grief,Depression +9373,Who ever banned someone for coming here to talk about their issues is a prick and should not be a moderator of a place like this so fuck you. screw the mods,Depression +9374,"I was going to type out all the shitty things that just happened to me but now I am getting less upset and more numb. Either way what I need to get out is I was upset and instead of my dad giving me the space that I needed he forcefully held me in place, while I was telling him to let go, forced me to look into his eyes as he attempted to comfort me? Not even like a hug just trapped me. I have never felt so violated in my life. It made me feel 10 times worse and I started crying writing this just thinking about it again. Had a shit night and now morning. I do not know how long I can deal with this anymore.",Depression +9375,everything just feels so hurting. wish i could end it all together. i cannot spend another night in bed hoping for someone to take this pain away one of the worst breakdowns I have had,Depression +9376,"Honestly, I would love to have a partner but the problem is, that I cannot just push away the problems I get from my depression, anxiety and bad life experiences. Even though I am trying to work on myself, I am not at a point, where I could just start a relationship without ruining or at least stressing out my partner and it sucks.The other problem is, that I do not even know, what a healthy relationship looks like and the chances are pretty high, that I will let myself get abused because I have not learned, how to spot stuff like this or even worse, unknowingly become an abuser.it is sad to admit but I cannot do this to myself or someone else. Not right now. Sometimes life just sucks. I will still try and work on myself and do what I can but hearing stuff like that...especially because I did not ask for a comment like that. I might find someone but for how long they will stay also depends on me. ""At some point you will find a partner, do not worry about it"" yeah, no. This only get's sadder the more often I hear it.",Depression +9377,"I am on lexapro, 15mgs, started taking it back in august or october of 2020 i think. Recently I have been just purposely not taking it because i feel like i do not deserve to get better, resulting in suicidal thoughts. I have always felt this way, I am scared to get better I am scared to live a normal life for it is foreign to me. idk self sabotage i guess Forcing myself to be depressed.",Suicidal +9378,"My kind, generous, selfless girlfriend is currently battling a severe case of depression and I am having difficulty navigating it and in the process, I am making it worse on her. This woman has always been the mark of excellence to me. she is beautiful in all ways, brilliant and vibrant. Her sense of humor is unmatched and remains the only person I have seen literally laugh through pain. Unfortunately, she does not feel the same way and she is beating herself up internally. she is under a lot of pressure both in terms of interpersonal relationships and academic expectations, in addition to all of the weight the world around us inherently puts on her. I am not sure how to help her and when I ask her, she does not know either. I am definitely guilty of having what I have seen described as the typical male urge to fix things and yeah, that is backfired. Ill ask her what can be done on my end but she does not know. Talking about it does not really help her. She ends up feeling stupid or as if she is an inconvenience. There are only so many distractions and they are only effective for so long. I deal with chronic anxiety and mild-moderate depression, but what works for me has not worked for her. I cannot help but feel that I am worsening her depression and that scares the life out of me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Advice needed for handling others depression.",Depression +9379,"I was recently diagnosed with lymphoma. My whole life I spend eating vegetables and doing excercises. But now with my 20 years old I discover that I have cancer. The lymphoma already acommitted my lungs, and breath is turn difficult. The treatment is painful and hard, and I do not want to do it. So I have decided that I am going to face it as far as I can. When it becomes very debilitating, a good dose of nembutal awaits me. A quiet and painless death is a privilege that few people have, mainly, those who have cancer.My grandfather, who once had cancer, said this is a cowardly and selfish choice. But for me, clinging to life as flesh and bone, poisoning your body with chemotherapy, and after that spending the rest of your life taking care of the consequenses that such treatment brings, is a more cowardly and selfish choice than simply accepting your death.I have never wasted my time thinking about suicide, but now it feels like a good ending to me. I know it is kind of ironic to ask that in a suicide group, but what do you think about it? And what would you do in my place? The Good Death Is The Best Cure Of Cancer?",Suicidal +9380,"Been through some very bad times, and wondered what others do to feel better.Number one choice , to vent to someone, well not many has that, so I decided to start a shop This is my new shop, iVentThis is day 2Cost is a bit a patience and possibly a lot of friendshipI'm a guy, idk if it matters but ik people have their own need and comfort zone, I am open to everything, every discussion, every vent , anything you can throw at meAnd Remember, ILY and here is a hug () Day 2 of the shop",Suicidal +9381,"I have tried and tried and tried. I have blocked and unblocked. Cried and screamed. I have met new people, tried to forget you in whatever way I can. I cannot. I cannot stop thinking about you all damn night and day. I cannot take this anymore. I am tired of feeling so depressed and sad all the time because you are not in my life. I do not want to be here alone anymore. I miss you so much. I made so many mistakes. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you. I failed you I failed you I failed you I physically cannot get over you.",Suicidal +9382,"I am 16 and about to be in my 11th year of highschool. my social anxiety has only gotten worse. i want to get a job, so i can do co-op in school which let us me switch out my electives to work. I have been procrastinating even applying since the beginning of june. the closer i get to graduating, the more i realize that i do not see myself with a future. i do not see myself with a job, going to college, having a family or any of that. i know that i do not do anything to help benefit me, because its like i do not care. i feel like i do not deserve anything, you know? i do not have a particular reason other than the fact i just do not like myself majority of the time. I have also been kind of suicidal for a while, but the thoughts only come every so often. the only reason i can think of to not do it is because of my parents and sister. i realize that being optimistic and going out and doing things will help me in the long run, but i just feel like i cannot and that it will not matter. its draining to have this mindset but i seriously doubt ill make it past 30. i cannot see myself anywhere in the future and i feel like i have no purpose for being here.",Depression +9383,"i hate the worldno one understands mei cannot work because I am disabledi cannot function around people because I am too sensitiveeveryone gives me anxietyi breakdown at mean commentsi am better off deadive been told, fuck you ch*nk go dieone less chinese person in the world would make a lot of people happy so let us do it time to kill myself",Suicidal +9384,"Inside I knew I would not be over it. The first time I wanted to was during a 6 month major depressive episode. The phase passed and I got a little better, but the thoughts have always stayed.It just makes sense to kill myself. It does. And now I am thinking of ways to get it done. I am seriously considering suicide again.",Suicidal +9385,"i felt like an wasteful empty piece of shit and thought fixing that would fix my mental statei did everything that was supposed to help, and after 3 years of work:&#x200B;i have a good dieti exercise every daymy hygeine is taken care of I am even comfortable with my appearancei meditatelow stress well paying jobfriends and family who love and support me and mean the world to mehobbies and interestsi go outsidei get enough sleep&#x200B;any yet, i still feel the same&#x200B;i just want to die. go to sleep and never wake up. not have to experience any of this pain anymore. i do not want to hurt anymore. i do not want to sit here feeling sorry for myself without even having a reasonable explanation anymore. i do not know what to do. i tried to fix it. i really tried. i want to be strong for those who care about me. i do not want to hurt them. i know I am not special and that everyone struggles and that me doing this would make things worse and even dangerous for those i care about. but if I am not here, i will not have to feel guilty for it. there just is not a way for me to get better. I am hanging by a thread. there is no way to drag yourself out of this.",Suicidal +9386,"I have love, enough money to get by, a roof over my head, and no trauma to speak of. I have met Maslows hierarchy, but I still invasion putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger every day. Is suicide self-actualization? Doing fine on paper",Suicidal +9387,"I know how you feel. You feel as the world does not love you, you hurt. You need help. I know and I am here to comfort you. I know the world is a terrible place but not everyone is a terrible person. I am good. I am here. Feel my love and my heart for I will give you to coziest of hugs and let you know that its allright. Hey look to anyone who wants to take their own life.",Suicidal +9388,"I do not want anymore. For years I am trying to get happy , to live a life with meaning , to stop hating my self every single day and wishing for my death . But now I came to accept that all of this is nothing more than just a dream that will never come true . I am tired of trying to get better because it will only get worse in the end . I just want to kill my self an end this circle of torture but I am way to scared . I know I should go to therapy but what is the point . I just want to end it all for good. what is the point",Depression +9389,Life is stress and sadness with a handful of okay moments. that is about it. How is that worth it? Where do people get the motivation to keep going?,Suicidal +9390,"Just keep dreaming and never have to respond to anything... no need to eat, drink and make money to live. At the end of my dream let ne just die inside it and that will be the end.Its ridiculous how difficult life is and we are all meant to suck it up it will be nice if time froze in the night and I could just sleep forever",Depression +9391,"I am drowning in my expectations. My self imposed obligations. The perfectionistic standards I have for myself.Maybe if my mother had not had an eating disorder, I would not be counting calories and worrying about cellulite and bingo wings. Maybe then I would not hide behind long skirts and cardigans.Maybe if I had not been bullied, I would not spend hours preening and fretting over my hair and makeup. Maybe then I would not have forced myself through Accutane, nearly destroying my liver in the process. Maybe then I would not be drawn to the neutral, conventionally attractive clothing the world tells me I should wear. Maybe then I would not constantly worry about whether my shoes are shiny enough, or of I ironed my blouse enough.Maybe if I had been the better sibling, I would not work 60 hours a week, desperately trying to earn approval from my boss. Maybe I would not feel like I need to be the most accommodating, yet entertaining person whenever I visit home.Maybe if I was not born a woman, I would not feel the need to constantly perform. To be a perfect, daughter, a perfect girlfriend, hopefully to be a perfect wife and mother. As if that were not enough, to be pretty enough, to be thin enough, to be friendly and likeable and agreeable and well mannered enough to be seen as a woman of value. It hurts. I feel like a Madame Alexander doll, in a perfectly ironed dress, with perfectly coifed hair, and an empty smile, standing idly by my flower arrangement while I silently pray everyone likes the table settings and the food. I love my family, but I hate the voice in my head that nags and criticizes. I will not change. I crave the external validation too much. I love to be complimented on my carefully thought out veneer, knowing how much effort it required. It takes makeup and shapewear to be ingratiated into society, you know. In the meanwhile, I use drugs to numb it. Strong, heavy tinctures that cloud my brain and depress my body. Not so much that I relax my posture, but enough that my muscles can unclench. A trained eye could perhaps perceive, in photos, my glassy eyes, all but overshadowed by eye makeup and bleached teeth. Always dressed up, always smiling, always blank behind the eyes. I want to be a good mother one day, but this makes me question myself. I am my father, before his 10+ years of sobriety.I do not know how long I will live, or if I will die by my own hand. The perfect wife and mother would never off herself. Even dying under mysterious circumstances could bring suspicion. Not only that, but I have made a promise to care for my parents in their old age. Sometimes I wonder if having children would give me something to live for. Another strike against my qualification to be a good mother.I go through the motions, giving my all at work, in my private consulting, in my writing, hopeful that I will one day do something deserving of recognition and praise. I strive to be the best. One day, this drive may exhaust and overpower my body. Truly, only time will tell. I am suffocating trying to fit my idea of ""perfect""",Depression +9392,Basically during a discussion I was repeatedly insulted during by people who disagreed with me but when I get angry and insulted people back I am banned from the sub and suspended by old account. It feels really shitty to essentially be ganged up on and kicked out of a community where I had been nothing but polite. The whole discussion was just over if Transgendered is actually grammatically correct to say. I guess the mods did not like that I said technically it was so is not an insult. Now I am banned after I was the one fending of all the insults. It makes me feel so alone. All I can think is nobody wants you anywhere. Nobody wants at all. All I can think about is taking all my meds and every pill I can find in my house at once. Feel suicidal over internet bullying like a child.,Depression +9393,"I have dealt with some degree of depression all my life. I had a really shitty upbringing and ongoing depression passed along from my parents who are miserable people. I have tried multiple diff ssri s years ago during my therapy (Prozac, vybriid, Zoloft, etc) but did not like how they made me feel. Plus I got sexual dysfunction which in itself was depressing.I am at a stage of my life where I feel like I am better off, compared to before. But I still just get super sad sometimes, without a direct explanation. I was also diagnosed with ocd, because I become very obsessive when in relationships. I have avoided sexual and romantic relationships until I can learn to feel whole single. I have been in multiple abusive relationships before, and always used relationships to fill some sort of void within myself.Now, I am focusing on personal hobbies and career progression. I have a lot of things that bring me joy, things to live for. But those feelings of depression always come back up suddenly. I just feel really sad and empty sometimes. Since my past exp with disliking the meds I took, I have hoped to learn to overcome my depression on my own. But idk. Perhaps there is a chemical imbalance in my brain, like my dad told me. I wonder if Ill ever be able to be happy on my own. My therapist recommend I get treated medically. I have avoided taking meds for this. Thoughts?",Depression +9394,"I have been depressed for a long time. The biggest difference between my depression in the past and how I feel currently is that I no longer have any hope that one day things will be different. I use to think that if I made change that my life would turn around and I would crawl out of depression and find happiness. Maybe that idea was always unrealistic, but I no longer have any belief that I will make it out the pit of depression. Instead, I feel condemned to be like this for the rest of my life and I cannot comprehend how I am supposed to do that. Like I said, I have simply given up hope. I have given up hope of ever being happy",Depression +9395,"Reaching out was tough, I needed a year of ""I can handle it on my own"" & ""it is not bad enough"" to admit that I cannot handle it. So I went to my doc, got a prescription for therapy, even adjusted (in accordance with my endocrinologist) my HRT dosage. I had counselling interviews with a two therapists (which could not take me as their patient though) and I got an ""assumed diagnose"" for an anxiety and depressive disorder, as well as an adjustment disorder. After asking many therapists and being denied as a patient, I give up now. I still got a couple of suitable therapists from one of the counselling interviews, but I got no strenght or motivation to check them out; partly because I do not think my situation will ever improve; even though I wish I had answers.I am just too tired of facing this existance of suffering and loneliness, where it does not seem to get better. Of course, people always tell you that it gets better etc etc, but I do not believe the phrases anymore. I got no hope left and wish this suffering would just end. I just hate myself, other people and this never ending loneliness. Heck, I am that much of a failure, that I do not even manage to SH, while wanting to (yes, everyone would say that is a good thing, but it just makes me feel foolish).Meanwhile I am forced to endure this existence (IF I HAVE TO STAY, I WANT TO LIVE AND NOT SENSELESSLY EXIST!!) I toture myself with checking out social media and making me feel even worse or remind me of my suffering, while not being able to stop with this bad habit. *exhales*Just release me from this suffering please ... Started trying to get help, could not get any & am now giving up, while wishing to just dissolve",Depression +9396,"I am legit such a pussy for not having ended my pathetic life yet. I am not a bad person. But I do not fit in here. Square peg in a round hole. I have no desire to do what is expected of me to keep this life going. I am 24. I do not have 40 years of work left in me. I do not even think I have 1 week left at this rate. I am a failure for not being able to keep up with things. Call me a lazy millennial, I do not give a fuck. I do not care about anything in my personal life to the point that it can keep me working. I have no desire to accomplish anything in life. The only thing I desire is death. And I just want it to be easy. Should I swallow a bunch of pills? I am on 3 different medications right now. do not think it would kill me though. I just want to be killed. I have no fulfilling hobbies and I do not want one if its just meant to be a stupid distraction so I can tolerate work more easily. I will never be able to tolerate this life. Fucking kill me. I do not know how to relax. I am freaking out that I am still alive and just want things to be over.",Depression +9397,Like why cannot I be good at anything? 23 and such a loser So a 13yr old won Gold at the Olympics,Depression +9398,I am 15 but I still feel like the same weakling that I was when I had 6 I am nothing but dead weight everyone around me would be better of if I was dead the person who kills me will be doing the world a great favor and honestly I want to be that person Fucking dead weight,Suicidal +9399,Lately i am trying more and more to understand my depression. I almost daily get a drunk like feeling despite my last drink being months ago. When that feeling comes i feel wobbly on my feet my brain works at like 20% i cannot concentrate. Sometimes i even feel dizzy. Is that a symptom of depression? Drunk like feeling,Depression +9400,"I have never been happy by myself as an adult and I never will be able to fulfill any kind of relationship due to that. But life is about forming bonds and enjoyment of company and living amongst them. My self loathing overtakes any kind of love I have to give, and drains me of my emotions.I treat myself like shit and project it at other people; what a worthless and pointless cycle. I personally just want to sleep and not wake up, unburden those who are weighted down. Sadness",Suicidal +9401,"Everyone uses what I offer and then leaves. I have been told, well those people suck, do not worry about them. Then that oerson does it too. But it is not those peoplr. I see others interacting, get included, get asked about. No one thinks about me. No one misses me. I was always the one reaching iut ti the people I knew. No one ever had time for me. So I stopped reaching out to anyone. And no one tried to get a hold of me. No one will miss me. They have proven that. Tired of being disposable",Suicidal +9402,"Sorry for my 2nd post here today. I rang suicide hotline tonight... I tried over 10 different numbers and after 1hour, finally one replied. I wish I never rang.i got told that if I do not gather my thoughts, I will get nowhere and become nothing....&#x200B;Great, I feel far worse now :/ Suicide hotlines are useless",Suicidal +9403,"*it was about time i put my feelings into words. I am so sick and tired of feeling this way, feeling like i will never be happy, like my life is going to waste, like i will never amount to anything. I am tired of holding myself down from experiencing life while it slowly slips away, while i slowly slip away from within my own reach. its so draining seeing everyone openly be themselves, having fun and enjoying their youth while i sit here and watch mine deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I am so tired of seeing people advance in life while i watch motionless. when will it ever be my time???????? i ask myself every day. when will it ever not be this way???? i drive myself insane while people continue to flourish in pure sanity. i want to get out, walk the streets confidently without having to hide every aspect of myself and my life. i want to feel comfortable in my own skin, my own body, my own life in which i have been precociously shrouded. i want to be able to feel life, what it really means, instead to living lifelessly. i want to do as my peers do. i want to be able to fit in. i want to be one of them without having to hide anything. i wish i could just look people in the face without having to feel like i want to die while they look at mine. i want to show people me, the true me I have been hiding all my life........but i do not even like her, why do i expect them to like her......what is there to even like?? nothing. that is right nothing. no wonder why i have not let her out in years. no one would want to see her pathetic, ugly self. but she is still me though..she is the only one who is been with me through everything, she is the only person who truly knows me, she is seen my true colors, my unfiltered self, she knows every part of me and she continues to be here. she is seen me at my lowest and while she did not say anything good to comfort me, i felt her presence...at least i was not completely alone after all. i hate her so much but without her i would not have survived.....but is that even a good thing?? it would have been better if i did not anyways. i have nothing to live for. all this time, I have been chasing something that was not there. getting lost in a mirage of lies but i contiued to run regardless. running after something that is not written in my destiny. how pathetic. younger me was really pathetic wishing for happiness each day like her wishes were not just getting ignored and pushed to the side each time. she had hope. hope for something that will never happen.* idek",Depression +9404,Its not fair that the world has just discarded me like this. Its not fair that I got the parents I got. Its not fair that I cannot enjoy life yet everyone around me can. Why? Its not fair,Suicidal +9405,"Not even wash myself. I am 19 years old, living with my parents and barely have any qualifications so any job I apply to will end up turning me down. Jobs that I did not even need a CV for (was asked a bunch of stupid questionair questions about Teamwork and stuff online to work at retail jobs, I.e Iceland)I have never got the motivation to do anything unless it is absolutely necessary. I have not been urged to go out since college ended and so I have been essentially living in my own filthy depression nest. Monster cans all over the shop to try giving me some form of energy. In the midst of a possible break up with a long distance partner of over a year and I do not know if I could manage to even take the 2 steps from my bed to my desk if we do.Fucking waste of space. Not had the motivation to do literally anything for months.",Depression +9406,"hey. I have (F19) been suffering from depression since I was around 16. Over the years, I have been to a therapist (two sessions, she did not help and I cannot afford more lol), did a workshop with a psychologist and been to a psychiatrist (a few months ago, told me I do not need meds but we can revisit it in a few months). I just did a session with another psychologist, and I have just been crying from frustration. It feels like most of my time is spent getting these people to take me seriously. When I tell them about my problems, how I feel so tired of life and fatigued, they just tell me that I am young and I need to not take things seriously, because life is going to get tougher. I am just so sick of the lack of support. I spent most of these sessions telling them more about my symptoms, getting into progressively serious ones, and they just dismiss them. They tell me 'not to think about it', or 'be grateful for what I have'. do not get me wrong, I am grateful, and I already avoid thinking about 'it' to prevent crying, but Id still like to know how to get out of bed in the morning and not want to die. I am at the end of my rope, and done with therapists etc but my mom wants me to see one more. Does anyone else have advice on how to get these professionals to see that you have a serious debilitating problem that is affecting your day to day life, that I am not just going through 'being young', and how to stop them from giving you tough love and give genuine coping strategies? They do not believe me when I say I have actually tried everything (working out somewhat regularly, clean diet, cutting out toxic people and even fucking breathing exercises). Honestly, Id rather take antidepressants and finally take my life off of hold- do not have the time or money for therapy. But I am scared of going to another psychiatrist, trauma dumping and still being told that I should just struggle with this (when I am obv not coping and it is just getting worse) instead of 'taking the easy way out'. Need help getting therapists etc to take me seriously",Depression +9407,"Hi everyone,I am on the long road of trying to live with depression for like maybe 10 years, I am 24 (F)So i will try to make it short, i am just looking for answers about my moods swings.For a few years now i have those really hard shift from being pretty happy to being very sad, suicidal. My psych told i did not have all the points to have bipolar disorder, yet i have doubtsWhen I am good i can feel almost euphoric, really self confident, like everything in my life is at its right, everything will be fine, i am more social and i feel so full of love and positivity. This can go on for like almost a week but never more. And then boom, suddenly i feel like nothing makes sense anymore, hate my self, anxiety rising, I am isolating myself, suicidal blablabla this can go for like more than a week. I rarely find myself in a normal state.I have been under zoloft for 2 months and like the good phases feels just a bit more euphoric which i found like not weird, and the bad phases are less deeper which is good, but i still feel i cannot live a normal life anxiety is waaay better thoThe reason I am looking for answers is that I am wondering if i have the right treatement? Is that the best i can be? Its really hard to live with these swings, cannot really have a normal life + zoloft makes sooo tiredThanks so much for reading and helping me out <3 Mood disorder? Need help plz",Depression +9408,"So I started dating someone earlier this year. We hit it off almost immediately after I got out of a mentally abusive relationship (my ex continuously cheated on me and manipulated me anytime Id suspect it). I was not ready to be in a relationship at the time I met my current partner, but they changed my way of thinking by saying love does not have a timeline. Our situation started off rocky as hell, they still talked to their exes on daily bases, which is a boundary I created for myself. They had hearts next to their exs name, and flaked on me when they hung out with them. Had their clothes and belongings still in their home, and anytime Id react and try to leave they would offer to call their ex in front of me, or tell me I could go through their phone. I was not okay with doing so, and I still tried breaking up with them, but they always told me I was self-sabotaging by doing so. Being in a bunch of manipulative and abusive relationships I could not tell if what they were saying was true, or if I was just putting myself through the same cycle. Anyways, we continued dating and our depression does not make anything better. I know that even on my worst days I make effort to talk to them, but it gets tiring knowing that they still make effort to communicate and hangout with their ex while it feels like they are doing the bare minimum for me. We go from hanging out often to barely seeing each-other/talking in week intervals, although I understand the concept of space. It gets confusing knowing the state of our relationship. We work on communication more than anything, but no matter how many times they have said its okay to communicate anything that bothers me to them, it seems like it always goes up in flames and that my perspective is always false. With their depression active the past month, I just asked them for a little initiative when talking to me, its hard feeling like I am the only one who reaches out and knowing their daily routine of waking up, checking their phone, texting people and going on Twitter I feel like I am asking for the bare minimum when I tell them just a simple good morning text would make me feel a little more cared about, but instead they got upset with me saying I do not understand that their depression makes it hard to even get up in the morning . what is frustrating is that I know exactly how they feel because I experience it also. I just want to feel the same amount of effort I am putting out, but maybe I am lacking compassion in this instance? I am sorry for my rant, I am just feeling quite low in this situation. Thank you for reading. the clinically depressed dating each other",Depression +9409,"When I feel depressed and in pain, it feels very relieving to think that I can just commit suicide. Just fantasizing that this can all be over if I want eases the pain. Its like a backup thought, if anything I can just kill myself and it will all be ok. Thinking about suicide gives me relief",Suicidal +9410,I am 38 years and I have wanted to die ever since I was a teenager. I have never been happy no matter what had gone on in my life. I have always been miserable and wanted to die. I have not killed myself because of my mother. I did not want her to go through the pain of losing me so I went through the pain of living for over 20 years. Now I do not have to worry about hurting her anymore so my time has come. I am so happy. Goodbye everyone. I am finally going to do it. I am so happy life is about to be over finally.,Suicidal +9411,fucking hell lockdown happened again and I have just spent that time watching YouTube I have no idea how the hell that managed to take up my entire day for the past week but I feel like shit I need a hobby Did literally nothing all week,Depression +9412,I have been feeling negative and toxic. it is a horrible feeling. it is usually when I am home with my mom. And it fucks up my mood for the whole day. she is a good person but her words and the way she handles things really bothers me. she is very loving but she does not handle things good. My dad was leaving out of town because one of his friends died. Instead of giving my dad a warm goodbye she gave a cold one which lead them having a little argument. Idk why she does that. Then she ends up feeling sad which makes me sad and it is annoying. Just bad vibes. I just want to make it clear that she is not a horrible person. She Just complicated and sensitive. I been feeling toxic,Depression +9413,You cannot even post here unless you want to die. This group is fucked up. You would rather have someone post there last bill board of how they are going to instead of a positive message. In some sick way the mods are getting off on not being the ones to do it. Shame on you. This sub should be deleted. Sick mods,Suicidal +9414,"- Number of Mental Breakdowns: 0- Number of Near Mental Breakdowns: 0Thankfully, nothing significant happened today...School is boring though... Entry Log 2: Day 2 (26/07/21)",Suicidal +9415,that is it just made a guy cum just to feel better about myself lol. a little less suicidal at least i hate that i hypersexualize myself to cope,Suicidal +9416,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  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PLEASE I JUST WANT IT TO STOP,Suicidal +9417,"If someone has not any duties an responsibilitys, is not it his decision, what to do with bis life, an if he likes to, therefore kill himself? Asking a for myself, nothing planned, but I do not think life is real worth living. Why is suicide bad?",Suicidal +9418,I keep hearing pills. Knowing that i will not die but just keep eating them.Maybe i just want to feel the body pain. Maybe i just want to make myself feel like I am going to die but knowing that i will still wake up tomorrow.I am dumb lol. Why i keep thinking someone will understand me. Understand the chaotic me. Trying to find personalities. I am dumb. Sorry Wanting to die but doing something that will not even make you die,Suicidal +9419,"If depression was a colour it would not be grey, It would be beige. Nothing can satisfy my appetiteNothing can entertain meNothing will do.I am beigeThe world is not coloursIt's a blur of hues of beige. Everything is just Dull.",Depression +9420,"I feel like recently I have been having suicidal thoughts rather frequently, I feel like i do not want to be alive currently but at the same time I do not want to give up my life, I feel like life can be so great and amazing but sadly i just cannot enjoy it due to my episodes of depression. I just wish i could be happy that is my only dream in life. Its been especially hard recently because I am going through a very rough depressive episode and during it i unfortunately was forced to cut off my soul mate who was the only person I have truely loved my entire life, she was the only person i could have talked to but now i have no one, I have never posted here before but i just have nowehere else to go.The most sadistic thing about episodes of depression for me is the fact that after one ends i feel like happiness is almost in my hand and i can almost achieve it, I even can feel it for very short periods of time in a rare moment where i seem to forget about reality, and then it just hits me twice as hard. I feel like its a constant repition of one step forward two steps backwards and I just do not know what to do.If anyone reads this thankyou for hearing me out. I do not want to be alive but I do not want to die either",Depression +9421,I want to give up. Nothing's going to change because i do not want to change. Too afraid of everything. I am surrounded by people but i feel so alone. I am tired of fighting.,Depression +9422,"You know when you hear the same joke and it gets less funny every time? that is how my life feels. My appeal has completely worn off. Every day it just gets more stale. I have tried different variations of myself, all worse than the next. The best one is getting old and is not that good to begin with.Does anyone else feel this way? Like their life is a show that is gone on for too many seasons? I feel like a joke that is gone old",Depression +9423,"If you run into me- or the person I could have been- please let them know that with each day that passes, the pain of it all only grows stronger. I guess I never really understood the *feeling* of being me, currently, until this moment- & the disappointment of waking up to the continued *me* that is, well- ""me.""Sometimes it feels as though I am just watching this all on a television that I am sitting two inches from but cannot physically touch. None of this is happening. I never made it out of the ICU. Or the in-patient care facilities. Or the coma. *This is all a construct of forgotten things somewhere deep in your subconscious.* The words echo in my brain as aimless as they are without effort and equally untraceable to a definable genesis.there is a part of me that sees the people who care about me struggle to give me the support that I need that just wants to blame me even more for the continued detriment and suffering that I am somehow willingly imposing on them. And I do not know what to do. What am I supposed to do?~~Fuck, I am not even a person, why should you give a shit.~~ Sometimes I feel as though I am curating a life for a person that is never going to show up.",Depression +9424,"My life is a mess right now. I am trying my best but it is been very hard. I just lost my job and gained 40lbs during COVID. I hate myself physically and mentally.I am trying to ""LoOk On ThE bRiGhT sIdE"" by teaching myself new skills but everytime I try, I get reminded that I am a failure and that the world would be a better place without me. I want to be better, I hate being a burden for those around me, but I cannot muffle that voice in my head.I have not been able to see a psychologist in a year and a half, they do not even take waitlists anymore. I am adjusting to new meds but what good is that without therapy?Even my partner is sick of my shit and does not pay attention to me anymore, which I can understand, I would not want that in my life either.I do not want to end it but I do not see the point of anything else. The only thing that brings me pleasure is sleeping. How do you shut the voice up?",Depression +9425,So I need help guidance on how to help my brother. So my brother who is 24 broke up with his girlfriend about 4 months ago ever since he has been down hill just about 3 weeks ago he opened up to me. He is a alcoholic drinks every day he is so depressed about his break up and I think that the root of this. He has cut him self multiple times. He drinks hard liquor now just to hide the pain. He tells me he wishes this would just go away. He said ever since he open about his depression and alcoholism to the family he feels more depressed. Today he has a appointment with a psychiatrist also I am trying to get him to go to AA meetings. But idk if I am to late because he is drinking at his job and he is drinking when he gets home. I am afraid he might kill someone and himself. Yesterday he told me that whatever happens happens and that he is not afraid to die. The big problem I see here is that when he is alone at his job a feel he looses the mental battle and seeks alcohol. I am afraid I am to late to help my little brother. Also I feel like my parents just tell him to man up and now I am responsible for him and if something happens to him its on me. I do not want to live with that burden. Idk what to do I could not sleep last night all I thought about was him. I have talked to him multiple times and every time he just breaks down and cries he is willing to seek help but I kind of since he is also suicidal. Idk what to do or what to say my anxiety is threw the roof. Any advice would be appreciated thank you. Need help!!!!,Depression +9426,"I have been bullied mercilessly by everyone my whole life, zero respect when it comes to pretty much everything. Example what recently happened: I went to a hairdresser and I said I want her to cut it to medium length, then she proceeded to cut it almost bald and said men are supposed to have short hair, Now Imagine this kind of bullshit every single time you engage with someone in a conversation. Or my parent laughing in my face saying ""why are you making stuff up"" when I asked him why was he beating me when I was a child. By the way he is retarded, not officialy diagnosed but I can tell since he does not even know where his country is on the world map... . Since I do not have anyone to talk to, I started to daydream a lot, it is called maladaptive daydreaming and I do it 15 hours everyday, depending on how much I sleep. And also I talk to myself all the time, because like I said I have nobody to talk to. But at the same time I do not want to be with anyone because I took umbrage against the whole society for treating me the way they did and I do not think it is ok for me to be accept anyone in my life even if someone wants to be my friend (Which is impossible).By the way, I have not talked to a female in 7 years. I am 19 now.Apart from my mom and teachers.Yes. Not even ""Hello"" OR a 10 second conversation. Nothing. To me girls are more of a mythological being than something that actually exists in reality. Nobody respects and I do not think it will ever change.",Depression +9427,"I have moved to a new city during lockdown a year back, and while my parents come visit every weekend, I am pretty friendless (other than my crazy dog)They live in another city 3-4hrs away and the cops are making traveling difficult (thanks India)I work freelance so I do not really have coworkers, cannot move back home because of said crazy dog (love her to death). But I have no social life. I am an introverted 27year old girl, who lives in the middle of what feels like bumfuck nowhere. I feel like I am waiting for life to begin and just the thought of wasting time gives me a headache. I have been crying at the drop of a hat for inconsequential things. I also feel like I have no one to talk to. Jeez I can go on but maybe I should stop. Clearly I have issues talking about myself because I think I sound too whiny.. idk help? Maybe I am depressed, maybe I am lost. I do not know if I need help.",Depression +9428,"lol be been having bouts of dizziness, lightheadedness, confusion, and other symptoms that make it impossible to work. My doctor told me today o need to go back into work tomorrow as she does not want to fill out my Fmla paperwork on conditions that can be written in with to proof of them. So she gave me meds and sent me on my way, she knows I suffer from anxiety as well as depression. My life is falling apart one limb at a time I am like a broken machine every week I need a new costly repair I cannot fix, on top of that I cannot work or it makes it worse. If I do not work I cannot afford to eat or pay my medical bills. Unfortunately I live in America and although the car accident was at fault of the other driver a lot of it is on my bill until the law suit is finished. I am close to ending it, I have no hope in sight, ever since last year my body seems to be like glass. I know here I am complaining when I know some of you have it much worse, I hope you all have a wonderful life and I hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you for listening. Been out of work for a week, having unknown health issues. I work at a doctors office and my doctors a practitioner there.",Suicidal +9429,"I am sorry if that sounds horribly insensitive to people with who are terminally ill, and I know there a lot of people who are who also suffer from depression. And I would gladly give my life to someone who does want to be here if it meant saving theirs. But at least if I did have some disease that I knew would kill me then I would have an expiration date. 80 years is a long time to suffer. I hope something or someone kills me before then, other than me. I would rather have a terminal illness than depression",Depression +9430,"I was standing up, then things came one after another. Without having any emotional support at my need pushed me down. Free falling and I made things worse on intention. I wanted to make myself as suicidal as I can so I will be able to take that step. I just do not want to live. I want to die somehow. ""Hope"" is something I cannot see and I do not want it. Just want to die as soon I can. I do not want to keep myself alive. there is no worth to anyone. In my eyes, I am just a waste of resources. Loneliness and lack of close human interaction (I am an extremely selective person when it comes to close interaction) are killing me from the inside. do not want to talk for too long. that is it for now. Constant hits and falling down",Suicidal +9431,"Apart from my mom and teachers.Yes. Not even ""Hello"" OR a 10 second conversation. Nothing. To me girls are more of a mythological being than something that actually exists in reality.Also I have been bullied mercilessly by everyone my whole life, zero respect when it comes to pretty much everything. Example what recently happened: I went to a hairdresser and I said I want her to cut it to medium lenght, then she proceeded to cut it almost bald and said men are supposed to have short hair. Now Imagine this kind of bullshit every single time you engage with someone in a conversation. Since I do not have anyone to talk to, I started to daydream a lot, it is called maladaptive daydreaming and I do it 15 hours everyday, depending on how much I sleep. And also I talk to myself all the time, because like I said I have nobody to talk to. But at the same time I do not want to be with anyone because I took umbrage against the whole society for treating me the way they did and I do not think it is ok for me to be accept anyone in my life even if someone wants to be my friend (Which is impossible). I have not talked to a female in 6 years.",Depression +9432,"I cannot do this anymore, I have had depression for 5 years now, and I tought of suicide as far as I can remember.This girl kept me alive, she never cared but somehow kept me alive, you know what , fuck that, I do not want her to care, no one did anyway, but i needed support.I deserve to die, and I will, now its no coming back, but i ask you, why do i have to go through this hell? I am a shit, ok i get it, kill me for it, but why do i have to give away all my humanity for peace, why do others have to cry because of me, why ? Just why? One person at least tell me why does my life have to bring pain to others, why cannot i just die and be forgotten, I do not want to live like this, I do not want to live at all. LOOK I KNOW NO ONE CARES AND THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOAPLE WHO NEED SUPPORT MORE THAN ME",Suicidal +9433,"I have entered what I would probably characterize as the darkest period of my life so far. I am in a job I despise, and I recently started therapy, which has overall been a net positive, but it is also forced me to take a long and hard look at many personal traits of my own that need a A LOT of work. I am realizing I do not have a strong sense of personal identity and that I have a much lengthier and more problematic track record of behaving in toxic and manipulative ways. All-in-all: my opinion of myself is quickly rocketing into the dirt and I am in the midst of the most intense identity crisis I have ever experienced.All of this and a slew of other unpleasant factors have left me feeling like I am heading right for a potentially explosive breakdown. Like, I am about to get married and I love my fiance very much, but making a lifelong commitment like that to another human being when I myself feel like I have no clue who I am, what my values and passions are, or where I am heading in life scares the shit out of me. I have also recently began indulging some self-harm impulses (which are relatively minor and not life-threatening or scarring) for the first time in over a decade which feels like such an enormous step backwards for me. I feel like a rubber band stretched to the brink of snapping and some unknown combination of time and/or additional tension will inevitably make me snap. I do not know what to do about it, because the more I think about the state I am in, the more I feel like I am spiraling out of control. But I also feel like I cannot NOT think about it because ignoring and repressing my problems and my mistakes is how I ended up here in the first place. The worst part is that, even though I can feel the meltdown coming, I feel powerless to stop it. Which is kind of how I would sum up my current crisis: a complete loss of control over my life and the direction it is going in.Has anyone experienced anything like this before? If so, any tips on how to deal with yourself or at least keep yourself from hurting others while your life is unravelling? Even if not, I appreciate having the space to vent. (For the record: I am not presently concerned I am going to kill myself, and I am not worried I am at risk of physically hurting others. But I am worried I am at risk of burning all of my bridges and tanking all my personal and professional relationships into the ground and causing a lot of emotional damage to myself and others on the way.) What do you do when you feel yourself beginning to unravel? Can I at least mitigate the damage my impending breakdown could because others?",Depression +9434,I try not to bother anyone and then I come off like I do not need help and there are no issues even to psychologists I am too passive to get the help I need,Suicidal +9435,I am ugly and miserable and i have horrible anxiety. I am 21 and i have not done anything with my life. I am a failure and a burden to my family. everyday i have thoughts of suicide constantly. i cannot even sleep anymore because these thoughts are so bad. i think I am starting to lose my mind. i cannot keep living like this. the world was not made for ppl like me. pls someone end my misery bad genetics i should just die,Suicidal +9436,"I was on depression medication bc I was having chest pains at random times. they did the full screening of my body to make sure it was not physically and everything was good. I started them and they were like okay? like it just kind of made me motivated than anything. sexual side effects got to me so now I am only on anxiety, which stops the chest pain but i still get anxious so like, I guess it stopped the terrible chest pain but like I am still anxious, which I guess is normal. I feel like its impossible to be in a relationship when I am like this. I broke up with my girlfriend for a few months like a year ago and I truly felt so good for awhile. maybe even she is weighing on me? Anyways any tips anyone has on how they beat their depression battles? my depression is not like self harm but sometimes think what would happen if I just wrecked my car (even though I never intentionally would), just some bad thoughts that I would not act on, no motivation, distance myself from everyone. for years I hated how skinny I was and when me and my gf broke up I put on some muscle and now I am getting a stomach I absolutely hate seeing, which then I do not put any consistent time into working out which does not help my mind either. I went on a few vacations and that was good to be out of this shitty area. mixed 21 year old in a republican/ racist ass area. like literally seen n word killer and drive by a truck with a black stay back sticker every single day. I am also absolutely terrible about talking about anything. I need out of this but idk how. I feel like last time I got like this I just broke up with my girlfriend and do not want to do that again. i work full time but literally do next to nothing all week which probably is not good for me in any way either. like where does this motivation come from? I want to actually be able to get out and stay out of this headspace. I am like genuinely ever happy just playing PlayStation with my friends/ talking to my friends on there. its the only time I am ever myself (and with gf). its like a big ass disconnect from everything and lifes actually hood. TLDR: Tips on finally beating depression Any tips on trying to beat it?",Depression +9437,"I am one of those former gifted kids that was in all the advanced classes basically until I hit high school and got depressed. Then I was just passing regular classes with ok grades, no problem. Parents are evangelical christians and think that therapy is either just for literal psychopaths or an excuse for me to get hooked on drugs. Fine, whatever, I can live without it. I hit college and things go ok for a couple of years. Then the pandemic hits, and everything goes to hell. Its so easy with online classes to say Ill do it later, especially when they are asynchronous. Ill do it later turns into Ill do two days worth of work tomorrow and then I can catch up on everything over the weekend. Except, you never do. And then the anxiety hits, and you feel awful for not doing work, so its on your mind 24/7. But you do not actually have the motivation to go do the work, and you end up burying yourself in some instant gratification trying to hide from the anxiety and get out of actually putting effort into anything. Except, this just feeds the anxiety more, which makes you delve into more instant gratification, and the cycle repeats endlessly. This has been my life for the past year and a half. Its maddening, and I honestly regret not killing myself when I was 16. At least then I would not have to deal with this. Even with only one class to focus on this summer the cycle is as vicious as ever, with no end in sight besides failure. I just want to break the cycle but it does a real good job of keeping you sucked in. Depression + Anxiety has destroyed my ability to function as a student",Depression +9438,"So I (16m) told one of my friends about my depression. I want/ he offered that he would talk to a closer friend of mine(so that I do not have to come out again), whose mum is a doctor (Not for this area but still) and a Person that I feel like cares about me.Now my friend asked what(/how) he should say specifically to my other friend and I have no idea. Any1 can help? My friend wants to help",Depression +9439,I am just really tired i do not think anyone would notice,Suicidal +9440,"I will try to keep it short, I have got selected to a top Bschool in my country and after 1 month of attending classes I realized that again I made the same mistake in choosing my career which lead me to depression, I choose financial security over what I like doing. Earlier I sacrificed my career for that my family will benefit if i get a well paying job and me being good at academics I was able to crack the most difficult exams too but then later I realized I am not happy and I do see my self doing this work all my life or even a major chunk of time like 10 years. Now again I am stuck in a really lucrative and secure option but since my mental health is not good because I am not able to see myself happy even after I end up with a good job. I am just becoming a loser again and if i decide to dropout and do what I like doing .i.e. startup, but I fear that if it fails then I will not be able to bounce back at age of 26(yes I am 26 now and I am from South Asia) and I will end up as a failure and loser which I never was, I miss my 15 year old self who was passionate and driven and absolutely acing in everything but now I am a big failure story. So I want to see how guys see this problem from your perspective because I cannot think through and I do not want to trouble my family anymore. So what should I choose, security or what i love doing? My age is my biggest concern because things in my country are very different. Need help with a life changing decision",Depression +9441,"One day, hell get married, and have children with her. One day Ill hear about their engagement, and I know Ill be devastated. Because even after all these years, it stuck with me, and it made my life go darker and darker. Never had a good mental health, I am in therapy, for a lot of stuff. But I came across a video, of a girl, crying her heart out, because of that same reason and it scared me. I never got an end to it. A big fight. A true conversation, an apology (?). And it kills me inside to know, that hes so close to me, and happier than me, and more successful, and living his best life with the first girl he found at a bar (literally like 1 week after ghosting me). I am so mad. So so mad. At someone I think I still love deep down. We have not talked in years now, but I still dream of him, all the time. I made my life around the fact of never coming across him, never hanging out with him, never talk about him (because we have a lot of friends in common). I did every single thing I could to forget, to get over it. And I still cannot. And I know one day or another, soon, hell get settled with her, and Ill be destroyed. I am scared of that day, and of my reaction towards it, scared of myself for myself. that is it. Venting.",Depression +9442,I am feeling so low today just been lying in bed and need to do work but can not bring myself to get up and face the day. cannot escape my bed,Depression +9443,"I do not know what to do.I cannot check into any hotels, nor do I have transportation to get anywhere. Mom has my stuff and is not giving it back to me. I have no money and I have been roaming near Best Buy because I have no service on this phone. I feel hopeless. I am homeless",Depression +9444,I am looking for a discussion on whether or not suicide is right for me! I am considering suicide.,Suicidal +9445,"Its very tough to die . I am afraid of the pain .If You going to hang yourself . And once you put the rope to your neck , there is no coming back . Yes it will hurt me the physical pain . I would want to undo that and i will regret my decision Because the physical pain and love of life is more more powerful .But once its wraped around neck then its over . Hoe great would it be just not to be exist . Pain is what i have got in my life till now . And i am damn sure It is what i am going to gey in future too , then why not end this right now . Why its very tough to kill yourself . The worry of what people will say to my mom , or the worry that my mom do not even know how to use ATM machine . Worries me. I wish i do not had to worry about that , i could not even die in peace . Will have to suck this up and exist . Just one step and no coming back ! But still its very tough .",Suicidal +9446,"Hi. So I attempted suicide in may, and for like the first 3 weeks that I can remember I remember not feeling suicidal. But as soon as I left the hospital I pretty much came back on board to trying again. And I do not ever see myself completely losing the idea of trying again, but I feel like now its just one of the only things that I think about, and I really need tips to try and stop that because I really just hate constantly thinking about suicide. And I do not want to go to a mental hospital because I hear those do not help at all, and I do not really want to be around other people like that right now. I think I finally want help",Suicidal +9447,"I do not have no freedom to do the things I enjoy. Unfortunately, I have to hide myself of being gay from my family. My mom is severely homophobic and she has some suspicion I am gay because she snooped my phone and saw some flirting between me and a guy (aka my LDR BF). I asked my mom if I can go to my best friends birthday party yesterday, and she said no. But that is not what bothered me, she said ""Your best friend better not introduce you to any guys"". She said some other homophobic things to but I forgot what she said. I lost a lot of faith in my LDR working out.Since we come from an asian family, there is a lot of asian guilt. My dad is leaving us next year to go back to his country (as he is separating from my mom), and the idea of me moving out is gone because part of me feels extremely guilty for leaving my mom alone when she does not make enough money. But on the other hand, I know she is extremely homophobic and she even discourages me from making friends too much. I have been really socially deprived as an introvert and I feel like I am missing out because its not like I have a lot of friends. Tbh, I feel suicidal because everything is only getting worse. I feel I might have to break up with my BF because I do not want to drag him anymore. He deserves someone better. he is been really understanding but at this point everything is breaking me apart and I am not sure if I can commit myself to a relationship.My mom always says stuff like , ""Gay people are always getting into trouble and gay people are aids."" My mom is also invasive of my privacy, like on my phone, and my online whereabouts. she is so against me flirting when people younger then me are already in relationships. I have been suicidal before, but at this point, I am becoming suicidal again. Ofcourse, there is other people's situation worse then mines and my heart aches for them. But I cannot even make a simple phone call so easily without being monitored. Even just to call my LDR bf, I have to sneak to the basement just to videocall him around midnight.Sorry this was long and full of tangents. I have no freedom",Suicidal +9448,"Title says it all. Why am I so fucking sad after I go for therapy? Is this normal? My heart hurts. I feel empty and achey and just fucking sad. I am a bike messenger, and sometimes when I am riding, I get so lost in my own head I forget where I am or where I am going until some car blares its horn at me. I do my best to keep a straight face when I am with people but I am fucking sad. I have been trying to exercise it off, biking, swimming, weights. Also been binge eating potato chips while I watch TV. Also been crocheting. I have hung out with friends too. I feel like I am doing all the right things to try and make that gnawing empty ache in my heart stop, but it are not going away. Any suggestions? I am so fucking sad after every therapy session",Depression +9449,"I have struggled with depression on and off throughout the years. Recently for the last 4 months I have been watching myself go down a slippery slope , I see what I am doing , I hear what I am doing , but I do not stop myself . Its more morally compromising than anything . I want to be a good person I want to feel like me or be the me I know I can be . I do not stop myself from falling further and further down the rabbit hole I just sort of watch myself from outside my body as it happens . I get up every morning and go to work and then after work I just collapse and ball up and just sit there for hours not doing anything . I get up the next morning and do the same thing , so at least I have a routine . I want advice on how to feel for things , motivating myself to do things for me , not relying on others to make me feel okay. I work 6 days a week so its hard to find a therapist with my schedule is there any advice that I can get to help me get on the right track to feeling again? I appreciate everyone is input Am I ( M22) depressed or just empty?",Depression +9450,"I feel like its a lot worse than that at times. I try to mask it even for my doctor. I guess I just needed a space to tell random people because I do not want to tell the people I am closest to. I have always been the one who helps them out and supports them when they are struggling with their mental health. Feeling a little bit at a loss right now. I know things will get better like they usually do, but just struggling at the moment and just needed someone to talk to. My doctor told me I have mild depression",Depression +9451,"Something I just really needed to get iff my chest so sorry lol I was nine year old when I first tried to kill myself. I turned 15 two days ago and I genuinely did not think I would make it this far. I have kind of accepted the fact that the way I die will be via suicide, but I just do not know when. Sometimes Id catch myself thinking of things in the future (like taking my sister to the 2032 Olympics as they are in my country) but then I am like I literally will not even be alive. The thought of even graduating high school just seems impossible as I have convinced myself I will not even live long enough. This definitely did not make sense its like 2 in the morning sorry lol I was 9 for my first attempt",Depression +9452,I can usually tell when my depression is slowly starting to become a more prominent feature in my day to day life by how much I am looking forward to going to bed. When one of my first thoughts in the morning is one of returning to sleep not in that moment but at the end of the day. That is a fairly strong indicator for me. My sense of self worth plummets even lower than usual and my mind starts to slowly but surely focus on dark thoughts. Something that seems unthinkable during more normative times suddenly starts to feel like an excellent idea and the most logical solution. Hopefully this time things will be different. Prodromal Symptoms,Depression +9453,"Some background info first:Our relationship has been going on for about 3 months now. Although that is not a long time, we have already managed to build a really strong bond and our relationship has progressed pretty fast.I just recently graduated and am now looking forward to studying at an university.My boyfriend has everything going for him as well. He just recently got his own amazing apartment, he has a well paid and stable job and a supportive family. I live within a short distance away from him with my mom.Everything was going really well at first and within the first month of us dating, he told me about his struggle with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. In 2020, a lot went wrong and he was really close to ending his life. He names his mother as the only reason he did not do it - he did not want her to go through the pain of losing her only child. He already went through therapy twice that year (which did not help). Taking any kind of pills is not an option for him. When we met, he was having a ""good phase"", but during the past few weeks things have been getting worse and worse. Some days are really good, others really really bad. I have struggled with mental health issues myself, so I can relate to the feelings he is having to some degree. But his depression is unlike anything I have ever witnessed.When he is having a bad day and I am with him, we barely talk and there is a lot of tension. He tries not to let it out on me, which works most of the time.But it still hurts me to see him in so much pain.To listen to the person you love talking about suicide, is a feeling unlike any other. I feel like I am not able to do anything about it.We often talk about the things that are bothering him. he is just convinced that there is no meaning to life and everything is already going downhill for humanity because of climate change and never-ending waves of corona.(These are just a few of his reasons)I know I cannot ""fix"" his depression or really do anything about the issues that are bothering him, but I still feel so useless and hopeless.I truly love him and want to be a supportive girlfriend. it is not an option for me to leave him, even tho this whole thing is really testing my beliefs and draining my own mental health. I am incredibly scared of him making a wrong decision and I honestly think he is very close to that.Has anyone had similar experiences with loved ones that are struggling with depression?Is there any way I can help more effectively (besides just being supportive, listening, being there for him,...)If anyone has read this far, thank you and I hope that there are people that are able to give me some good advice(English is not my first language- so please excuse any mistakes or weird phrasing) I (W/18) am scared of my boyfriend (M/20) committing su*cide",Depression +9454,I had several nervous breakdowns in front my boyfriend. I am very close to being depressed and I basically vent to him as I am in a toxic environment right now. he also has depression so he cannot handle me too and he gets angry with me for acting like hes my shrink.he says he wants to breakup. i know its for the best but do you think that someday hell forgive me and well go back together?what to say to him to apologize??? how to apologize for nervous breakdowns,Depression +9455,"I am a trans teen starting hormone replacement therapy soon. I am lucky, so lucky, that my parents are paying and supporting me in this. but i know that starting hormones will not magically take away my depression or suicidal thoughts. by the time I have started hormones, ill be too scared to kill myself. my parents are going to have put a lot of money and time and effort into helping me be who I am supposed to be, and killing myself would just be a waste. id feel bad for them for helping shape me into who i want to be, and then me throwing it awayideally, my depression would just fuck off and i could be happy and not suicidal and not worry about any of this.sometimes i wonder if it would be easier if i just offed myself now so i would not have to deal with this guilt by the time i start hormones. why am i suicidal? so many people have it worse than me? i am sixteen! fuck off, thoughts! killing myself would be a waste of money",Suicidal +9456,I have tried to tell my friends about my depression. They either think I am joking around or just do not say anything. It hurts. What hurts more is that I tell them I want to hang out so I can distract myself for a little while and they either completely forget or they all hang out and do not invite me. I do not know what to do anymore. I have such a hard time making friends and an even harder time keeping them. I cannot take being alone anymore because all I can think about is death but no one wants me around. I hate being alive. My friends do not even care,Depression +9457,"first post here so hello, ill just get straight to the point, I am completely dysfunctional now. i do not have any motivation to do anything, school work, clean my room, take a shower, and just generally take care of myself. i feel so gross but i do not care that i feel gross, the only thing i want to do is play video games because it makes me feel like I am important. no one in this house is noticing either, i want to feel important to them. but it feels like I am just not to them anymore. i want them to say they love me and care about mei was so cautious about how clean my room is, i was growing up in a dirty house. but now its just a mess, bed is all dirty, floor is covered in my clothes, and I am completely unmotivated to put anything away. i need to do it but i just cannot do it. how the hell do i get out of this? I am so lost. i was fine before i moved here but everything just got worse. i kept my room clean, was able to do school work, and take care of myself. wtf happened to me I am completely dysfunctional and i need help",Depression +9458,I found out I had depression a few weeks ago and since that I have been vomiting everyday and have no appetite. I am only 14 and cannot go to a therapist without my parents permission and they never believed me that i had depression and only thought I was seeking attention. What should i do? My depression is making me vomit,Depression +9459,"I know life gets better for many people. I am tired of waiting, Its not guaranteed to get better I do not see the point. So far its just gotten worse and worse and no hope for anything to get better anytime soon. There is no point anymore, its just too much. I hate not being able to get hand of firearms. I want to be happy",Suicidal +9460,"that is the worst. I tried to tell them about my huge mental struggle. At first, they were a bit supportive, but after a while they told me to stop complaining and get my shit together. I remember the day when I tried to tell my mum how deeply unsatisfied I am and she stopped me with ,,Enough complaining! Just do sthg about it.'' Well, after that, their impression is that things got better. I moved back to the dorm, so they do not see me often. They sincerely think I solved my problems. However, the reality could't be more different. I am totally losing it and planning my suicide. In one moment I am researching for suicide methods and in the other my mom calls and I respond with the lies I have prepared - how university is better, how my job is better, how I feel okay. And this is the worst feeling. Lying to my parents all the time. On the other hand, I cannot tell them the truth - they are fed up with it and have no means to help me. They would't understand. The worst feeling is lying to my parents that everything is OK",Suicidal +9461,"Honestly I thought I had my shit together. I was diagnosed in 2018, so I decided to take a break from uni. Got a whole lot better, like I stopped having panic attacks, no longer hated to see my reflection in the mirror, no longer sleep excessively. It was a good year of rest, and then I decided it was time for to continue uni, and I needed to do an internship because it was one of the graduation requirements. Never would I thought that this internship was going to be the reason I relapsed. Basically it was the only position that was available for me, the other places rejected me. I am only required to do a 3 months internship but they requested it to be 5 months and I accepted because beggars cannot be choosers. Little did I know that this place was a shithole. Communication was 100% online yet they will not let join any group chat regarding any project whatsoever because I am an ""outsider"" and ""temporary"", yet they also throw their responsibilities to me without warning, I am not given any mentoring whatsoever. I am a graphic design student, and I feel like i have lost all sense of good design because my department head keeps requesting outdated design and honestly they do not make sense. I have been pestered by a coworker about the project that she dumped on me without warning. I have been humiliated in weekly meetings. I am losing sleep and losing my patience, and most of all I lost my self esteem.I only have like 5 days left till my internship is over but every waking hour is like hell. I cry in the shower, before I sleep, and before I start work. Lately I can barely get up from my bed, make so little progress for work, and now I panic whenever I hear my phone notifications go off because I am afraid of what my coworkers would say bout my work. Plus I also only get paid 1/10 of our minimum wage, and i use that money to pay for my internet plan so I can work online, so its basically unpaid internship. If any of you are beaten down so bad by your surroundings to the point of depression, I understand. I have supportive friends and I can barely go through this shit. If I faced this alone, I am pretty sure I would have disappeared to a neighbouring town and change my identity, and made sure no one will ever hear from me again. I swear I am this close to giving up Depression relapse",Depression +9462,"What if you are just going deeper and deeper in to hell. If you are Going Through Hell, Keep Going ?",Suicidal +9463,Nothing to feel sad about. No great crisis to pity me for. Being awake is just too hard. I wish I were dead. Living is too much work,Depression +9464,"And I never know when a bad day is coming! I could be having a great week and suddenly it all just hits me. I then have no motivation to do anything, constantly tired, see no meaning in living, just want to stare at a wall while on the verge of tears. Here is where I am at the moment. I have not seeked help since its not always like this. Some days I am feeling great but there is no balance in my life. And I do not know what to do about it. I have tried journaling, exercise, meditation and that kind of stuff but it is not helping! Some days are great others suck",Depression +9465,"i do not want to die, i just want to be at peace. i spend all of my free time asleep. i do not even know how my body can sleep as much as i do but, man, is it comforting. there is nothing more comforting than being asleep. even with my extreme nightmares every night, i would not trade that feeling of bliss for the world. i wish i could feel it forever. i just want to sleep forever",Suicidal +9466,I do not feel anything. My doctor bumped me up to 20mg of Trintellix. I am working but cannot focus. I walk 80 minutes a day and does not help. I have been on multiple antidepressants (4-5?) and they just make me more sad.What should I do? I am so sad. I am Really Depressed,Depression +9467,"ocd is the worst fuck you ocd i hate you with my whole life why woukd you ruin my life like this I am done, absolutely done",Suicidal +9468,"Lately I am very depressed (treated with medicines and psychiatrist and psychologist), but I am tired of feel distressed all the time. I am on a lack of motivations in life. Could you please tell me what do you live for? God, family, be happy, money, everything counts. I am not here to judge. I am here asking for help bc i do not know anymore how to be happy, and I used to be the most excited person with life. Now all i want is sleep one day and no wake up again. So, please, just help me showing what do your life so special and maybe you could be an inspiration for me. Thank you a lot. I need some help with your opinion, please",Depression +9469,"Sometimes it feels like everything is not real. Nothing I do matters and it seems like the world will never stop. I look around and everything I see is awful. People hating people, abusing people, torture, war, disease, famine; Like what is wrong with the world? Why cannot people just show others kindness and love? Are some incapable? And the world is dying! But no body cares at least not enough people do in order to do anything about it. Everything just sucks and trying to simply exist is too difficult. Screaming into the void (Rant)",Depression +9470,"I desperately want to try again. Benedryl obviously will not work it just makes you delerious and have shitty visuals, but I just want to leave. In 2017 I tried to kill myself by taking 25 benedryl",Depression +9471,"Important note: This is NOT an entitlement issue, nor a ""trying to find the perfect job"" issue. I understand we need to work to make income (because that is how present-day humans choose to structure society). Rather, the anxiety comes from having zero skills in a world that wants ""rockstar employees."" I do not have any money to go to school and if you try to do basic jobs on freelancing websites, you are in competition with people in third-world countries that only charge $2-$3/hour. I feel so stuck... I literally have ZERO interest in any job or career. Over the years, I have job-hopped to the point of exhaustion, and now I have so much anxiety over this, I cannot work at all. Yet, I need to make income. Suggestions?",Depression +9472,"I feel like such a fuckup. I lost one of my meds that helps the most with depression, and so I have not taken it in 6 days, so I feel extremely awful. Even worse, there is a nationwide shortage and I cannot even get it because it is on backorder for god knows how long. I asked my psychiatrist TWICE for samples to hold me over, but I got no response. :(These past two days, I have had suicidal thoughts the whole time and absolutely no will to live. I cannot believe I fucked up so badly. (Sorry for ranting.) Lost my most important med and I cannot get more right now",Depression +9473,"Okay, first of all I am a 19 years old male living in a third world country from a low class family, my life has turned into hell since the past year I started having weird pains in all of my body joints and muscles + many other complicated symptoms which made it impossible for the incompetent doctors in my country to diagnose me, so they kept giving me pain killers and they do not even listen to me properly when describing the symptoms because like I said they are very complicated and I myself have a difficult time trying to communicate them, I have grown tolerant to the pain killers and my condition is worsening making me unable to preform day to day activities, I have been watching my life being taken from me day by day and I have lost any hope of recovery as I am not even diagnosed, I think of killing myself everyday, I wake up everyday and the first thing I think of is ""why am I still alive?"", I want some hope, I want this to end (either ways) as soon as possible, I do not know what to ask for here, I was planning to ask for the best way to kill myself ( keeping in mind I live in third world country where it is impossible to get assisted suicide ), but I guess my post will be banned, *sighing* I want this to end, please give me anything, any suggestions, any help! I want to end this, but how?",Suicidal +9474,"I will not make it in this society I know it. I just was not made for this, got unlucky, or maybe its my fault, does not matter. People are starting to catch on and give up on me, people are moving on.So i will not ever actually become or do anything but i cannot even atleast clean up the trash behind me. cannot even do that for everyone else here. So they all hate me, I do not blame them.I just sit here and exist to be mocked and laughed at, and i deserve every second of it for being a waste of time and ressources.I am stuck in this tunnel and both ways are blocked off. I will rot down here. I will rot slowly in agony.And if i do not rot slowly in agony then i will likely just be an absolute pile of subhuman shit and eventually go on a killing spree or something. Then i will rot in hell forever and my corpse will be despised, spit on and burnt.I constantly think about hurting my parents. They should have never had me. I want revenge. Too mediocre to make it in this world, too much of a pussy to kill myself.",Depression +9475,I just have no energy left.. and I am so late to the party. Everyone is ages ahead of me. I want to change things but I lost all my willpower,Suicidal +9476,"Being lonely because there is no one to talk to or to have who to talk to but not really have anything in common?My parents think I should just talk to anyone about anything and that is stupid, I just feel 100x worse than just being alone. what is worse?",Depression +9477,"Nobody cares about meNobody sees how hard I am fighting, if they do they do not careI know that I do not belong hereI should not have been bornI should have died not my twin, they probably would have thrived and been well likedI'm ready to leave hereWhy does not death come easy? In life, even in dying, I am a failureI cannot do anything rightI am not someone anyone wantsFriends partners family I have noneMy father died when I was youngI want to go meet him I do not belong here",Suicidal +9478,"I show no love to myself. In fact I blame myself for everything. I shame myself for my own actions. I do not believe in myself. I hate myself. So much so, that if my reflection jumped out of a mirror, I would attack me and fight me, until one of us was dead...to which the victor would still be me, and still be alone. And come to the realization that there is a new me in the mirror and one can only ever kill the other, leaving one left. There is no way to completely extingish myself for good. I am doomed to keep killing myself without relief......I am miserable. I had a weird but depressing thought...",Depression +9479,I live in Europe till my cousin told me she friend zoned cuz she told me your like my brother now I am super angry I never expected this bullshit I wish I was badass and smart I am shy and and an idiot fk I wish i had a gun I would like to explode my brains well once vacation is done imma stab my veins so fk hard fuck life Frist time friendzoned,Suicidal +9480,"just need to wait one more month before i can finally end it all. all i have to do is wait until i get to the big city so there is. a tall building to jump off. only effective method. tried hang myself with a key necklace, shit do not work lmao, it was just me pushing myself down onto the key chain for a few seconds and getting dizzy and just coming up coughing lmao. lame af. canadian so cannot buy a gun. r/Drugs says overdose is painful and do not work. cutting does not work lmao does not make sense either how is a mfer going to die from a simple wrist cut. so just got to wait till i move out for uni and then its gg waiting",Suicidal +9481,"I told my fianc this morning about how I have been feeling for the last few months and how unbearable it is now. He was diagnosed bipolar in his early 20s so he has had his own issues with mental health and knows how to approach stuff like this and he is being so supportive. I am really scared though, he wants to check me into an inpatient program and I have never done anything like this. I am only 21 and I have been open with my parents about suicidal thoughts in my teenage years when I still lived with them and they never cared or basically told me I was fine bc I had a good life. I fully went into an anxiety attack on my way to work and had to pull over for a bit. I feel like I have let him down and like I have let my job down. I do not know what to do. I opened up to my fianc",Suicidal +9482,"I have tried really hard to stick it out and be positive. But I feel like the universe has given up on me. And it never felt like there was anyone for me anyways. So maybe all of this is a sign that this is it. I do not need to keep fighting and holding on any longer. I can finally rest and be at peace. I do not need to swim against the current. Just let it take me wherever, as long as I do not have to feel again.I am so tired. I do not need to keep going. I am broken and I want to say goodbye to anyone who will listen",Depression +9483,The response I receive from everyone makes me feel like I am always incorrect or made the wrong choice. I do not know what to do. Feels like every decision I make is incorrect.,Depression +9484,"It all began with relationship anxiety, then it started affecting my work life, now, I cannot sleep, I am tired, started spying on my partner, and for the past week, been having suicidal thoughts, I cannot even walk into the kitchen alone and look at the knives without thinking some horrible things. I am already getting help from a therapist but it is only growing worse. I am desperate. My anxiety and suicidal thoughts",Depression +9485,"Hey, everyone. First off, I will start by saying that this is my first post here, so do please let me know if I have broken any rules with it.Secondly, to give some context (and to also let off some steam), I am pretty sure I have been depressed one way or another for a very long time now. I have never been diagnosed by-the-book, but every therapist I have seen so far has pretty much let me know that it is there. From what I have read and discussed with them, my best guess is that I have something related to dysthymia, although I would say I am generally pretty functional - it is like having an autopilot which allows me to go through the daily routine while being miserable and hopeless (there is no official diagnosis because the therapists I have seen do not like applying labels and have not considered it severe enough to recommend a psychiatric evaluation).I occasionally get an episode which is worse than the norm. I mostly always feel a sense of generalised hopelessness and sadness, but the episodes feel like I am thrown down a bottomless pit of despair. I am currently going through one of these episodes as a result of recently having done a sum-up of my life during the past few years.My problem right now, and the reason why I post this here, is that I feel that my support group, my few close friends to whom I have only relatively recently started opening up about this, have started trying to persuade me that my depression's incorrect, somehow. I have been thinking pretty much all day that maybe I am just too sensitive at this particular point in time and maybe I am reading too much into it, but I keep feeling minimised and invalidated when talking to them (stuff like ""you have an incorrect view of yourself,"" ""you are being overly-dramatic,"" ""I am sure things are not as bad as you see them,"" ""maybe you have some form of dissociative disorder"" - this last one came straight out of left field, since all of the therapists I have seen so far have, at one point or another, remarked my fervent insistence on keeping facts and reality as straight as I possibly could). All of these just... hurt, especially knowing my history of deep-diving into my thoughts and realising that most points which because me my unrest are conclusions drawn according to objectively negative and damaging experiences from throughout my life.do not get me wrong, I know depression does not really allow for objective perspectives, even less so during an intense episode, but everything they say just makes me feel like they are not even trying to take it seriously, even for a second.they are currently insisting that I join them for a group call to discuss ""magical realism"" (an attempt at a joke, I assume), but I really do not feel like that kind of invalidation and minimisation's what I need right now. My question, thus, is how do I deal with this? Am I taking things too personally, is this entire thing just another element of my episode? If not, how could I politely explain this to them without them having a knee-jerk reaction? I am honestly reticent to broach the subject because I expect they will lean even harder onto that ""incorrect perception"" of mine and I really do not want to upset them more than I clearly am doing with my episode. Hard enough to open up about it in the first place... Thank you for taking the time to read through all of that, and thank you in advance for any advice you could offer. In need of advice for dealing with minimising friends",Depression +9486,"Lord, or I do not know, if there is really a being high up there please grant me strength to surpass this ordeal. I have been trying my best, Lord God. I did whatever I can do, I looked for jobs, I tried to change my life, but who knew that it was just a momentary respite. Lord, please, this is not me questioning my fate, but if you really do exist. Please give me a sign... give me a sign that I should live to see the other day. I do not know what to do, I have so many bills to pay, mouths to feed, and no one is helping me. the prescription glasses I have been trying to put off from replacing since 2018 has finally broken and it will take me more than 100$ to replace it. The nft axies I just bought with the savings I made got hacked because I apparently downloaded a fake wallet and I inputted my seed phrase there because I am dumb waste of space that should not even exist in this fcking world. But I cannot die, Lord, I cannot. I have mouths to feed, I do not want to make my parents regret that they made me, so please. Lord, help me. I will do everything that I can. I only have 25$ in my bank account and I never felt so helpless. I still have bills to pay, and the debts that my parents and brothers incurred is now my responsibility to pay, but how am I supposed to save others when I am drowning myself?&#x200B;god, help. Please grant me strength.",Suicidal +9487,i want to leave this earth so bad. i just cannot put my mom through the trauma of finding her only daughter like that in my room. i feel like she would never be the same and she lost her mom recently as well. its like i have no escape. if i planned an accident or something its like i cannot imagine her getting that call. my mom,Suicidal +9488,"Honestly, I am tired of drinking my medications and supplements. I do not know what to do anymore. I am afraid that if I stop, my anxiety and depression would just get worse and worse. But really, I am really tired of drinking all the prescribed medicines. Been trying to convince myself that everything will fall into place eventually. But right now, I just feel hopeless and exhausted. Tired.",Depression +9489,Do I have depression if I am scared to feel trapped in the feelings of being hopeless and helpless and I pour out all my emotions on my close ones and my boyfriend. like i have nervous breakdowns in front of them. because I am scared that if I do not say these feelings I will be trapped and they will eat me alive. but then afterwards I feel like a horrible burden. who do I talk to every time I feel like venting? i cannot just talk to my friends or boyfriend each time I am frustrated. people cannot handle or manage your problems like this. nor can I call up my therapist every day each time something stressful happens. Does not knowing how to manage emotions a symptom of depression? If I do not allow myself to feel guilty for being a burden because I lie to myself but then later I feel guilty for a while. then I try to push those thoughts away to feel normal and lie to myself that venting is ok. do I have depression,Depression +9490,"I do not belong here. I do not want to exist. This world is miserable, corrupt, traumatized but so focused on capitalism and ""advancing society"" in ways that are not only detrimental to US and nature-- but pretty fucking unnecessary; not only do we have no regard for our own lives and wellbeing, as a whole, we will destroy the planet and as much of space as we can in ""our"" conquest for capitalism and proving ""human ingenuity"". Its pathetic. How many people are suffering..foodless, homeless, diseased, mentally Ill, alienated by society...etc? How many cars are being manufactured despite the impact the have on our earth and air and despite how many are sitting in lots? could not we do better on so many levels?This world is so hopeless. I do not want any part in it. I know do not belong here, my life has been a sick joke. I have wished I was not born since I was at least 6, I do not plan to make it to 26, fuck this. None of this is worth it. All of this is meaningless. This is probably incoherent and that is ok. It did not work yet",Suicidal +9491,Been unemployed for too long. Been isolated and friendless for too long. I have no new thoughts or emotions. How the hell do I change things? Feel in a daze all the time. Everyday is exactly the same.,Depression +9492,"Post-partum depression for the second time. I barely survived it with my first. there is definitely no time to sleep or take proper care of myself with a two year old and a newborn. I used to think that needing to stick around for my kids would keep me from killing myself, but I am starting to feel like literally anyone else could do a better job than me, so yesterday after a particularly bad night of lots of inconsolable screaming and crying from my newborn and no sleeping (do not know how many nights in a row that makes), I started to make a plan. Looking for the best way to go peacefully and quickly. I want to shut my brain off. I just need some quiet. I just need some rest. Mom of 2",Suicidal +9493,"I cannot breathe. I cannot sleep. I am eating everything in sight. Job demands, my fianc is sick and cannot work. And is moody and needy. I have an adorable puppy, I just do not have the energy for right now. All my clothes are dirty, the kitchen is a mess. I know what I need to do. But I am paralyzed and I cannot do anything. I just want to lay here in my bed, in dark Drowning",Depression +9494,"I feel like a loser. I know people say, someone cares. I think if people saw my inside they would be happy if I died. My life is just sad and it is all my fault anyway. I feel cursed.I have these moments of clarity sometimes. Today I realize with my internal dialogue, I am going nowhere very fast. I realize I am in deep trouble and that it is serious. I do not think anyone can help me. Today drugs will not help, my tendencies to try and escape will only make it worse today.I see everything I am not. I realize finally how other people look at me, and I feel ashamed. I am lost and in a daze. cannot snap out of it. I have no ambitions and I do not want to live and with this mentality my life is only going to get a whole lot worse and I realize it. I do not see a point and I know I am a loser. Secretly, I am such a loser and everyone can see it. The lonver they stare the more they realize, I am a loser.it is okay though, I deserve to die. I hate myself and my life and what I have done. I did not know and I should have tried harder but I never woke from this despicable state and now it is just too late. I cannot lie to myself any longer. No one can save me and everyone who professionally tries to help me realises wher I am heading and they know that best case scenario I hang on for a couple of more years. Believing a bunch of false lies of hope or juat accept the hard truth and spiral into my own death like I was never here in the first place. I am a dead man walking. Today is a difficult day",Depression +9495,My husband left on a trip with my stepson to help get him up to his job. He will be gone a week. I was not expecting to fall apart during this time. This has caught me off guard and I am barely functioning. Any advice? Advice,Depression +9496,"This week, I was dealing with depression and anxiety, and I was on YouTube when I came across this guy. he is talking about life, mental health, politics, and other topics. I love how he is so open and honest about things that no one else has ever talked about..and this shit brings me so much relief and makes me realize how life works..maybe this will help you as well. Good luck m8 I am not sure who wants to hear that...but SNEAKO is a fucking legend.",Depression +9497,"there is no pills or doctor that can help me now. I am too fucking sick, lately I have been thinking of suicide so much bad. I am too fucking down and i feel so sorry for my parents. I am disgusting and pathetic as a individual of 26 years. You guys are better than me, do not give up and do not ever try to beat you down. I am a very ugly example of a human being. Nobody should be like me. I am too sick nothing can help me anymore",Suicidal +9498,"My depression is very severe my bipolar disorder is very severe , my panick disorder is uncontrollable and i cannot help myself. I think that my end is near and i hope to find peace. No matter what the world has for me to do, no matter how much motivation it gives me. I cannot help myself",Depression +9499,"I have spent the last three years recovering from a major depressive episode. I am finally off medication and it feels kind of like a layer of bubblewrap has been taken off. It has also brought on some unresolved trauma. I thought these were feelings of the past that I had gotten over, but I guess not. I am scared of talking to my family about this because they would be worried just not sure where to turn Just need someone to talk to",Depression +9500,"I lost everything, all my shitty fake ""friends"" and all the love from everybody close to me, myself. I have changed so much from who I used to be. I am insane all I think about are dark thoughts everyday, all I want to do is serve the armed forces so I can do something with my shitty life and I cannot because I do not have a highschool diploma or a fucking ged. So rn my only goal in life is to try to get my highschool diploma and ged. I cannot think without the memories flooding my head, even in my dreams the memories find me I cannot escape. Fuck everybody and fuck everything",Depression +9501,Former gifted child case again. If I dissapoint my parents and show them that I am not who they think I am anymore maybe they will stop having high expectations from me. If I show them how terrible I can be. Man I am such a terrible kid for thinking this way I do not deserve them I am so horrible. I am not gifted I just got lucky I am a disappointment. They do not deserve a trash kid like me they deserve better. Part of me wants to make my parents proud but at the same time I want to disappoint them so they finally see who I really am,Depression +9502,"it is so embarrassing to be crying after calling the doctor's office for my vaccine report. I cannot even go about my day without the urge to repeatedly knife my thigh after asking for sauce at the Sonic. My brain analyzes every movement I made and every word I said and puts it on repeat like a broken record, scratching my brain like I scratch my arm raw. Wanting to off myself after every human interaction",Depression +9503,I have had my permit for 6 years. i took my second drivers test this morning. i failed. i was holding back tears on the way home. i feel like such a fuck up. i cannot do anything right. I failed my driving test again,Depression +9504,"Hello everyone,I rarely post on Reddit but.....I have nowhere else to go. I have talked to my selected friends but all your inputs are important. I would like to warn everyone this may have religious talks and depression....yeah....like that.....I have a bestfriend of 20 years. This year she will be getting married to the love of her life. I am genuinely happy for her. I really am. Here is the story: My bestfriend got engaged last January 1. She is currently living in United Kingdom, have a wonderful job and loving Fiance. After the engagement, she told us and her closest friends and family that they will wed next year July of 2022. So I was really ecstatic of hearing such wonderful news, at last she will settle down and create a family of her own. She told me that she wants me and our other bestfriend to be there at her wedding, we are three. we have been bestfriends since High School. I got fired up to save a lot of money for plane ticket and pocket money to be with her on her special day. Since I live in Asia, and the cost when you go to UK will cost a lot since our salary here is like x10 lower than what people earn in the western countries.&#x200B;Til one time, she suddenly asked me if I could ask my Uncle who is a priest if Cohabitation is a sin. I asked her like why? She told me she and her Fiance wants to live together, because living in separate houses traveling back and forth every weekend is very tiring for the both of them. I told her if they want to live together without tying the knot yet is not a big deal. If that will help save them gas and transportation allowance, then go. But she told me she is looking for answers and admitted they are in abstinence from sex for how many months now. She felt guilt doing pre-marital sex, and she always seeks answers from God. Asking for signs and that. There is nothing wrong with that, I am a religious person myself but I do what I do. I know my limits. We have this saying in our country: ""God have mercy on us, man has their doing."" When I talked to my Uncle who is a priest and asked him about Cohabitation, he just straightly answered that: Cohabitation is a sin. And I told my bestfriend about it and she contemplated about it. And I know she is been asking a lot of people and even religious leaders in her country. And most of them told her there is nothing wrong if they want to live together. She is still reluctant. And fighting her Anxieties over the matter. To the point that we raised our voice at each other during a video call, because she told me that my life become shitty because of karma, because I lived with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. It was a really big stab in my heart, and I cried but I dismiss what I felt and I still prioritize her because I know she is more vulnerable than I am. Fast forward.......I do not remember if when she did announce that they decided to wed this year. I was surprised and partly disappointed because the first thing that I thought was that I will never see her walking down the aisle in person, and partly I know the reason for the sudden shift. But it was only a short span of time because I understand that she wants to live in peace with the blessing of God. I just express how surprised I am, and I told her I am happy for her at last she will be settling with the man of her dreams.They will have a small wedding this year, and a big wedding next year which in the same month of July 2022.But as the months go on, she always asks me the same thing: *Why do people have the same reaction, whenever I told them that we decided to marry this year. Why cannot they be happy, they look dissapointed? Why cannot they be happy for me? do not I deserve to be happy?* I always answer her: *People will be surprised of course, because you told them that your wedding is next year and there is a sudden change but that does not mean that they are not happy. do not ever think that.* I know it is her Anxiety talking. I deeply understand, because I also have one I have had depression and Anxiety for how many years. I always put myself in her shoes. Ever our other bestfriend she always asks about it, and she just answers: *It is you and your Fiance who will be getting married, not us, not other people. Only the two of you will create your own Happiness.*I also answer the same thing everytime she asked about it. Until I do not know what to say anymore, I asked my therapist and friends who got married about it. And they say: *Tell her that it is only her that will create her own happiness, not everyone else. But we know Anxiety is a big enemy.*My bestfriend become so anxious as months passed by and at some point became bitchy. Her patience shortened and at one point she is very angry? because the Bishop is not responding through her email, and she even told me if within 2 weeks he does not reply that is it. She will find another one. I told her that she is not the only person who will get married, there is also plenty of couples who wants to wed. And because of pandemic the rules and schedules have changed, she has to understand it. And she was like: *Is this what God wants?*So after a few more weeks, she decided to transfer to another Parish, and to her surprise there are schedules for weddings, the Parish Priest told her that he is available in 2 weeks time they could wed if they want to soon. And she was shocked at how fast it is. And I told her: *There ya go, no worries in finding a Priest and you have a schedule.* And she answered me: *It is too fast and too much.*The priest asked them if they have a venue already? Catering services? Photographer? And others? and they plainly answer: *No, we do not have anything yet.*The official Schedule of her wedding is by September 18 this year. She became more anxious. I understand what they called wedding Jitters. And she still ask me the same thing: *Why do people have the same reaction, whenever I told them that we decided to marry this year. Why cannot they be happy, they look disappointed? Why cannot they be happy for me? do not I deserve to be happy? Why is it like that?*Last Friday we had that conversation again, and I told her do you want to know the Truth? I can give you answers but you have to be ready. So, I told her that the possibility is that people see it as desperation, lack of security, insecurity, something like that. And I remind her that one time when one of her co-workers commented that is she afraid to lose her Fiance something like that. And then the word **Desperation** struck her. And she asked me is that also what you think of me and \[our other bestfriends name\], is that it? And I plainly answered her: *No.* And there is another question. Were you disappointed when we announced that we are getting married this year? Tell me the Truth. I do not know what I was thinking that time but I told her the Truth that I was a bit disappointed like 50% but it was for a short time. And I am passed by it. It was a very long time ago for me, and all I am focused on is I want her to walk down the aisle. And even volunteered to process her needed papers here in our country.She told me that she was very disappointed in me because she was not expecting that of me. So all this time I was not genuinely happy for her like all of it is fake. I told her it was not, I actually felt guilty that time, that is why I want to make it up to her by helping her with what I could give. She even asked me if our other bestfriend felt the same way and I told her it is not in my position to answer on her behalf. She told me on chat that her friend in UK was so genuinely happy when she asked her if she could be her bridesmaid. And she told me it is better for me to take care of things alone knowing that people are genuinely happy rather than people helping me(which she is pertaining to me) not genuinely happy. I want to justify myself more, but she just answered **WHATEVER.** So I did not push any further, I decided that I just have to let her cooldown, I know she is very stressed out.&#x200B;I contacted our other bestfriend and she called me and we talked a lot via messenger and during that time she is talking to our bestfriend in UK. She is a Teacher here in our country and her patience is kind of running out, but we have to remind ourselves that it is her Anxiety talking right now and we know she will not listen even to us. But my bestfriend kind of admitted to her that what I said about desperation kind of struck her, and somehow she thinks it is true. Perhaps?I decided to mute all my chats in Messenger because I need some time alone. And just played online games, talking to different people to shift my impending Anxiety again of what has happened. I feel like I am terrible bestfriend for that. I am also dealing with a lot of Shit in my life. But for me I have to prioritize her wellbeing. She needs me, and my other bestfriend more than ever. When I talked to my former boss turned male bestfriend I told him what happened, and what I like about his advice is that I am correct at some point but I should have told my bestfriend a **WHITE LIE. Even if she forced me to tell the truth about how I feel.** She seeks positivity and assurance. And I am the only person and my other bestfriend who can give her assurance for that. I learned for that matter more.I am just worried about her, because she is snapping a lot. Not just about the wedding but at her work as well. We told her to breathe. Last time she got extremely mad at her Fiance, because of a simple comment about the flowers. And she was like: *Who will walk down the aisle? Who is the bride? And our wedding is this year! Not next year!* And her Fiance was so afraid whenever she gets mad. That he waited outside her apartment for them to be okay. But my bestfriend just ignored her. But they made up, do not worry. Her Fiance just wants to know, what is their plan? And she admitted that we really do not have one. I told her you two to have to sit down and talk. Listen to what he says. You easily snap.At least they are okay now. And she found a beautiful wedding gown. Which is really really beautiful. But I still do not read her last message because I am thinking I might have to justify myself. Even my other bestfriend is also stressed out and worried that she always burst, she always explodes. She never cools down. I shared our predicament with my married friends and they told me wedding stress is normal, but not that much. Because they balanced things out and talk about it as a couple. I understand my bestfriend wants acceptance. She wants a wedding where everyone is happy around her not just her. She wants to be like that.....Even we told her plenty of times that other people's opinion does not matter. What is important is that they love each other.....but.....she will still ask the same question.....&#x200B;I really do not know what to say. I feel like a bad person telling her how I felt before. I am sorry if this is kind of rollercoaster and long........I am just really worried. It is very hard to talk to someone with a closed-mind right now. Thank you for reading everyone. I feel like a bad person",Depression +9505,"I was on anti depressants and although they helped to a certain extent, they messed up my menstrual cycle (and for some fucked up reason I want to try for another baby soon). They did not cure me.Therapy did not cure me.I am never going to be normal. I am never going to be truly happy and I am going to have to be on drugs forever.I do not even know what I am trying to achieve posting this other than to vent I am never going to be happy or normal",Depression +9506,"Do ya'll think there is a chance that I will be dying soon? I have been coughing non stop, I have a high temperature, I sometime struggle to breathe, and I have lost my taste and appetite.",Suicidal +9507,existing is so much work. I am tired. I hate it here,Depression +9508,"For hours, I just cried. I cried, cried, cried,... Cried.. I have nothing..... Lost my dog today. I am already friendless. Cried, cried.. cried.. cried....",Depression +9509,"Know that if you die today, you pet would not know what is going on. They would think that you left them. Worse, they might wait there everyday wondering if you would ever come back, or if you have abandoned them.This thought breaks my heart, I love my dog so much. This prevents me from hurting myself last week. To those with pets",Suicidal +9510,"So I know suicidal feelings are probably the result of trauma and modern life, capitalism sucks, but most definitely a parent making you feel like you do not deserve your existence and it is definitely my case, but being aware of it does not solve anything. I feel unable to heal. I feel like I cannot move on. I feel like I am tired. I cannot go on. I am too young to be living on my own. I want my dad to tell me he loves me but I pushed him away. I want to play with his Xbox. I want to hang out with him. I want him to help me pay a doctor and help me figure out what is going on inside my mind because my mom abused me so bad. I want to go running with him. But I cannot because I ruined our relationship and I cannot fix it, and I am afraid to fix it. I want my ex to hold me but I pushed him away too. I want to never have hurt important friends in my life, but it is too late. I want to become better at singing but I cannot bring myself to be disciplined enough to practice. I want to workout but I do not feel like it. I want to be good at my job but I am always fucking up when my boss is present and she thinks I am mediocre. I want to be okay but I do not feel ready to be okay. I am not used to the absence of caos. I feel like trying to get better is a trap. I feel like my mother's abuse started from the moment she decided to conceive me and killing myself would be actually rebelling against her because maybe the fact that I am still here, suffering, without justice for what she did to me, is exactly what she wants, but I cannot stop feeling so much pain in my soul. I am too tired. I cannot go on. I cannot do this. I want out. I cannot be fixed",Suicidal +9511,What do you all imagine happens or where we will be the second after we are officially dead? Do you think it is a split second transition to some other plane or do you think it is a process? Do you think it will be pure nothingness or yet another experience? The second after it is over.,Suicidal +9512,"I am so hated in this world, why continue living when you are hated by everyone you come into contact with. They hate you bc of poor social skills. Everybody hates me",Depression +9513,"Honestly, I have never been happy. Even looking back as a kid I was being so abused that I was just numb. I was not even happy as a child, and that is something that will forever sting. My body is falling apart and I am not even in my 20s yet, I wish I could live without all of this chronic fucking pain. I will forever have to live with the fact that I can never completely heal my body or mind. I have been to therapists, I have been to doctors, but none of them have been of any help. they have all told me that this is something I just have to deal with. I am completely and utterly hopeless at this point. This is not a life I want to live. I do not even have any friends, and my family hates me. I really do not see why I should stay alive at this point. I just wish my brain did not have a literal chemical imbalance. Fuck. I feel like Ill never be at peace.",Depression +9514,"I want to contact a crisis line because I am an immediate threat to myself. Very immediate. But I have two people staying at my house, so I cannot phone them and talk and all the online crisis services are too busy. I do not want to walk out of here and not come back and have them think it is their fault but I want to be dead and gone so badly it hurts, its the only thing I want I do not know what to do",Suicidal +9515,"I finally understand my metal condition. I understand that I am not suisidal, depressed, idiot might but I am just emotionally dependant. I just rely on others people emotions, and their behavior controls me. I am like happy that finally months of thinking I understand what I have, but most angry becuase that is a huge disadvantage for a person :( Read this.... I need it",Suicidal +9516,"I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and self harm for years, but the past week or so has been the most I have ever struggled with my depression. Every night I find myself sitting by the medicine cabinet and I just want to take another attempt. And on top of that, every night I keep cutting and hurting myself, I feel like I have lost control of myself. Yesterday I told my mom that I did not feel safe and I wanted to get help but she said that I do not need help. I told her about how badly I was struggling and she told me that I just wanted to go to the mental hospital so that I did not have to go back to school. All she is offering me are multivitamins. She will not let me go on anti-depressants or see a therapist. And I cannot take myself to the hospital because I am underage. I need her permission to everything and she will not let me. I am so close to just ending it because I cannot keep myself safe. My mom will not let me get help.",Suicidal +9517,"I recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost 4 years. I broke it completely off. We were on a break I guess you could say. I thought me totally breaking it off would help me and her well it just pissed her off I cannot see my dog anymore because she has her. We bought her together. So I did what my dumb self does I went out found a girl started talking to her, thought it would get my mind off of things. But it made it so much worse. I want to go back. I went and camped out in the middle of a desert alone this last weekend to try and get away idk. I debated just staying out there and just die in the fucking sun. I try to think of all the shit my ex put me through and all the bad but It still does not help. Like the reasons I left are not good enough for me anymore my pills do not help. Therapy does not help. I do not fucking eat. I do not fucking sleep. I cannot function on a day to day anymore and it is all my fucking fault. Everyone said I would be happier but I am not I am honestly more depressed than I have been in a long time. I do not want to do anything anymore I just fucked up so bad I cannot go back I would not be able to even if I tried and I think that is what is killing me the most right now. Why did I go out and find another girl to talk to? Maybe I just wanted the company I think i was trying to fill this void that I now have but it just fucked me up worse. And cemented my situation even more. I always do this I just end up fucking myself worse Fucked up",Depression +9518,I do not know what I am going to doI have a 200 dollar car payment and a 200 dollar school trip payment every month.My first job I got away with accidentally oversleeping but then I had to quit for medical reasons and got that sorted out. Then I got a warehouse job 40 minutes away and I accidentally slept through 3 of my work shifts and knew I was going to be fired and I was too ashamed to show up. Then I finally got a serving job did orientation and today was my first day. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but guess I am hat I over slept and am too embarrassed and ashamed to show up. I hate myself why can I just get my ass out of bed go and go to work.I have no idea what the hell I am going to do about school next month or about my payments. Fml. I do not know what I am going to do,Depression +9519,I have officially cut off everyone else in my life. I have no one. And no one wants me. I am literally only on this world to take care of people and it is not fair. I want to die but I just cannot end it. I cannot focus on my work. I am so exhausted The only thing keeping me alive is my 2 cats,Suicidal +9520,"Really struggling. I do not know where to begin..I have always had challenges. I have now been diagnosed with Bpd, which come with a bunch of friends; depression, ocd, attention deficit. Up until two years ago I was bumping through life, but then I lost my job, lost my house and was abandoned again! I have been trying to rebuild ever since. I tried to start training for an alternative career, then the pandemic hit. Back in June 2019 I was the closest I have ever been to taking my life. I made a promise to myself that I would wait at least one year to see if things improve. They are now worse than ever, two years on. I wished I had ended it then at least I would not have had to have lived through the suffering of the last 2 years. I am paralyzed by fear. But... I kept going, because that all I know. I re-trained into a different area, but am petrified to take the next step. I graduated with As. I have always had the security of being employed before - not doing it on my own. I would be dead already if I was not riddled with the guilt which it will leave on others. I just want to sleep forever, I cannot handle being in my own skin. I have tied to get help but have had very little, success. My last relationship has not been a good, I have just not wanted to leave because then I will have nothing. I just do not know where to turn. Professionals do not help. I have stopped talking to friends through fear of being blackmailed by my partner, who has threatened to call my parents in another country and send emails to my friends divulging very personal information.I live in constant fear and misery. For three weeks I have filled out diary cards. I have had one day, where I felt joy briefly 1 out of 10. This is no way for a human to live. every night I prey I will not wake up the next day.. everyday I wake up with a massive gasp of anxiety and affliction - as I once again reform the miserable predicaments, which are my life and know I cannot change it because I am flawed. Struggling!",Depression +9521,"Some days I love life. Some days I am optimistic. Most days I just worry. I worry about a future that has not arrived and I cannot seem to live I am the present. I am torn between my past mistakes and the anxiety of my future failures. I did not used to be like this. I used to be such a happy person. Now I just wish I was not alive because I hate the pain I live with every day. What happens when we die? I think nothing - its like when were sleeping except there are no dreams. I am scared of the moments leading up to death, but once I am actually dead, it will not matter because I will not know. I do not think I could kill myself because I cannot imagine the pain Id because on my mom. I love her with all my heart, maybe she would understand, but maybe she would spend the rest of her life blaming herself. I do not know why I am writing this, perhaps to get it out and not keep it inside. Who knows",Suicidal +9522,"Tw: idk which ones to put but I feel like I should mention that there might be triggers in here.I have dealt with suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. In fact it was one of the only things I could remember- being so young and always thinking I wish I was never born. I did not sign up for this life. When I had kids there overwhelming amount of guilt I had because I was anti-natalist.That is pretty much the only outstanding memory I have of my childhood. Any other small snippets I have were never happy or anything like that. I always felt like some bad shit went down during my childhood but I honestly thought I was crazy for thinking that. Or I was in denial because I knew it but everything.... Everything on the outside where I was standing looked so perfect.This has been driving me crazy. I have been going through my spiritual journey and along with that, for me, was realizing how toxic my parents are in the present but I always felt like I was just making things up. Overreacting. Making a big deal out of nothing.I have basically been begging my sister (7 years older than me) to tell me what happened for a while and finally, this weekend we talked. Everything that I had suspicions of was confirmed. She told me stories that I could not remember and now I can.Turns out our childhood was far more abusive than I remember. When I was 3, my sister 10 and my brother 12, my sister and I watched our mom beat our brother so bad my sister thought she was going to kill him.That was the missing piece. that is when my brain started protecting me. that is when I started repressing memories. My sister protected me. She taught me how to survive and I have been holding on to those coping mechanisms for 29 years. I did not even know what they were. I have actually been self diagnosing myself (knowing it does not actually mean anything) trying to find an answer about why I am the way I am... All because I thought I was crazy about my childhood but yet I knew there was something wrong with me. Turns out I am actually the product of an extremely physically, sexually, and mentally abusive childhood. It was a moment where I realized literally my entire personality was a trauma response. But everything ""wrong"" with me are coping mechanisms my sister taught me so that I could survive.So now, I finally have answers. I guess I feel kind of numb. It felt like I had done a 1,000 piece puzzle and my sister took off my blindfold to reveal the picture. She took my denial blindfold off.The hardest thing now is that I have kids and my kids adore my parents. But I do not think I can let my kids around these people again. Certainly not unsupervised. My parents act like they are perfectly normal people. In some ways, they are not the same people, but actually they are... They are exactly the same people, they just know they cannot act like that now. we are all grown up and now they cannot hurt us without going to jail.In a way, I feel untouchable now. They cannot hurt me anymore, not really. But I know deep down, if they felt justified, they would destroy my life. Try to get my kids taken away from me, something. They also know I could destroy their lives too. I feel numb.So now I am waiting. I am waiting on my sister, maybe my brother too, before I confront them. I cannot wait to confront them. I have so much to say. I have my anthem ready to hype me up and terrify them to compliance. They have never once, let me out of their sight because I think they know I am their greatest threat to living a normal retirement and allowing them to forget what they did to us. I am their greatest threat and it feels fucking good to know that they are scared of me and what I can do. They do not think I have what it takes but when the time comes, it will be a glorious judgement day. I just found out my childhood was way worse than I thought",Depression +9523,"Off my anti depressants bc my ex works at the pharmacy. Broke up a month ago. Keep thinking about going to the train tracks. Suffering with ptsd, depression and anxiety. People tell you to get help. I have been trying for over a year. Been to a few different doctors. All refer me to mental health professionals that are too busy to call me back or they do not even bother referring me bc the waiting list is too long. Also called the mental health line for my state, referred me to another place that I called 4 times within a week and did not ever hear back. Getting so tired of trying and I do not have my ex for support. My only friend in this area sexually assaulted me when I was a kid, I blocked it out until this year and it hit me hard when I remembered. I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot go on. I feel more and more weak every day. Off my meds, break up after 8yrs. Lost. Family in a different state.",Suicidal +9524,"So, let me take you back to 1989. I had made a pretty bad decision in joining the USAF, as I ended up as an SP (Security Police, pretty much a patrolman), did not realize my ADHD was still there and only controlled by a lot of caffeine, and depression had been lurking in the background. I was stationed in the UK, and was pretty much miserable. My Sergeant was a full-on asshole, as were his two subordinates. Things came to a head one night while I was guarding an ammo depot. I am sitting in the shack, trying to read through a manual to help me be a better cop (as it was), and that darkness hit me hard. As a Law Enforcement person, I was issued a service revolver. Before I realized it, I had it in my hand, and was putting the barrel in my mouth. I could not feel anything but emptiness and no reason to keep living. Cocking the hammer back, I sat there, and mentally asked for a reason - ANY reason - to not pull the trigger. At that moment, the faces of my family and friends flashed in my head. I realized that killing myself was not going to end my pain; it would create pain to those I cared about. I took the sidearm from my mouth, eased the hammer back, and just broke down crying. I told my C.O. what happened, and was taken off duty and sent for therapy. Not long after, I was discharged (Honorable) and went home.It took me 32 years to finally open up and talk about that night, because I was so bothered that I had come so close to ending my life early. Sure, life has had its up and downs, but I am glad that I chose to live. It has given me an over-developed sense of self-preservation.Yes, I am still dealing with depression and seeing a therapist. There are days when it just feels like everything is shit, but I just push through. ***\[MODS: I am hoping that this is within the rules. I just needed to get this posted to keep being able to talk about that moment. Please let me know if this is the wrong subreddit, and if there is one that would be more appropriate. Thank you.\]*** It took 32 years for me to open up about this...",Suicidal +9525,"My parents expect nothing less than a perfect ubermensch of a son out of me. They want me to make straight A's, ace college, graduate with a prestigious degree, and then get some high-paying job to make big bucks. Part of it is because they never did quite reach those levels of wealth. But the rest is just them having vastly overblown expectations.I cannot handle it anymore. I do not have any marketable skills. I am an asocial introvert with *one* friend who does not go to college. I have pretty much given up. I do not have any drive, motivation, or *anything* now. I cannot even enjoy the things I used to love like anime-watching/reading/gaming/whatever. Anything that requires more effort than browsing the internet in a mindless haze is excruciatingly draining on my mind. The only time I ever experience what can even be *slightly* described as happiness is when I masturbate, something I do 3-5 times a day because...what the fuck else can I do?It does not hurt. I *wish* it hurt. Pain is a *feeling*. You can focus on *pain*. What I feel is a dull ache, like part of myself is *missing*.I have realized that I will never live up to my parent's expectations. But they refuse to see it. I wish they would just accept that I am a failure. Instead they just push me and push me even though it is useless.Fuck everything. My parents' expectations are IMPOSSIBLY Unrealistic!!!",Depression +9526,"I was diagnosed with MDD about 2 years ago. Since then I have been working with my psychiatrist to find a medication that works for me. This past semester, I hit a different kind of low. This rock bottom state made me miss a lot of classes. I am an engineering student and even missing one class can put anyone very behind. I explained my situation to my professor and she suggested I medically withdraw from the semester. After talking with my psychiatrist and new found psychologist I decided that withdrawal was the best choice for me. The process to medically withdraw is long and difficult because mental illness can be seen as a chronic illness. The board approved my request to withdraw. This is good news. Now, I am in the process of filling out a tuition refund appeal. I have to write a personal statement about my situation. This refund is worth $9,000. Also, I can only submit this repeal once, so I want to get things right. I am having a hard time putting words together to accurately depict my dip (to put it lightly) in depression. Has anyone else medically withdraw from school and been through tuition refund appeal? I had to medically withdraw from school because of my dip in depression.",Depression +9527,"I used to be okay. That is until I got hooked to anti-anxiety medication. Benzodiazepine withdrawal has changed the course of my life.Nowadays I see the world differently. I used to feel part of it. I used to feel like I had a place here. Lately I have felt like an outsider. Like I do not belong. I see people with their morning routines and just think I wish I had some structure like them. I do not have structure. I feel like an alien. Every single person I know has some sort of structure. I do not. I went from feeling like water inside a cup, to water being thrown out onto the street. My life was okay on Benzos. I could function without much anxiety. But I saw the writing on the wall. I was addicted to them. I could not do much without them, but when I was on them I was carefree, risk-taking and relatively happy. A lot of good happened in my life. I got married, was doing well at work and finally felt free from my anxiety. Something Id dealt with since I was young. From ages 24-28, I was under the influence of Xanax or Klonopin. Little did I know, with every dose, I was screwing my brain up. With ever-increasing dosages, my doctor eventually stopped prescribing them - after 3 1/2 years. I was at a high dose of 4mg Klonopin. Early this year is when my life was turned upside down when my prescription was cut off. I did not think much of it. Until a few days later when my body started shaking and I got violently sick. I did not know what was happening, neither did my wife. I started googling benzo withdrawal and found this subreddit and concluded that it was in fact the klonopin. 6 months later, I am at a lower dose (.5mg). I should feel accomplished. I should feel like I am making progress, but in fact I feel defeated. I am so tired. I am so worn out. I barely sleep and I am anxious all day. I am terrified of the real world. I have zero confidence in myself. I feel like a total loser. I could cry ever single day. I do not know what is wrong with me. If I had known that Id suffer this way due to Klonopin, I would have told the doctor to shove it down his own throat. This has taken my dignity, my will to continue and my confidence for the future. I do not know what to think anymore. So very confused",Depression +9528,Does anyone else ever feel invisible? I just feel like I do not matter. My voice is never heard. My feelings are not valid or my opinions are not smart enough. My family members never let me finish a complete thought. Someone always wants to finish my sentence and it could not be further from what I am trying to say. It hurts to feel like I am not a complete person. I have not always been around my family due to being in active addiction most of my young adult life. But now I am in recovery (4 yrs) and I am around them all the time. They do not make me feel bad about my past but I feel like I do not get the same respect as everyone else. it is frustrating and I just want to be heard. Invisible,Depression +9529,"I make risky decisions and moves just to feel something. I feel like nothing I do matters, the impact I have on people, the impact other people have on me. I know I am going to end up killing myself, why should I have to pretend like I care what the world around me will be like when I am gone Everything feels so fucking fake",Suicidal +9530,"A lot of people online have suggested many treatment methods for depression, and over the last 2 years I have tried basically everything. Nothing has worked however, and I am beginning to think that there are no effective treatment options available to depressed individuals. Are there any effective treatments for depression at all?",Depression +9531,"Just imagine, pay 25 cents and be free of this shit. Noone standing in your way and trying to stop you. There are no mobs of people blocking the suicide boths, not a single person. Everyone sees it as your RIGHT to die as it should be. No instead I have to pretend is not my goal and my dream to kill myself and wait for the right moment to do it in secret. I wish our society was like the one in Futurama",Suicidal +9532,"do not know if this is allowed, but does anyone know how to make a good suicide note where i can explain things properly and not guildtrip others. I understand this may be triggering and I am so sorry if someone gets triggered. I just do not know where else to post this. I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry. Suicide note",Suicidal +9533,"The only moments I am somewhat happy are when I am with my girlfriend, but the days after are just so much worse. Is it maybe better to not see her anymore so I do not get so misserable after every time I see her? Is it selfish to try to be happy when in the end I am going to leave her anyways? Or am I just self sabotaging? I am confused",Depression +9534,"For all my life I have battled with depression. It started ever since the age of 6 when i lost all my hair due to a condition and left me inhibited and paranoid of the world. I have gotten better recently (I am 20) but i still have this extreme sensitivity to other peoples perception of me. Any sort of rejection and i go this depression pit that i cannot get out of for a while. Luckily i have not experienced any devastating events such as a death of a loved one, but i am deeply afraid when the inevitable does happen. I do not think when my parents eventually die ill be able to sustain myself. I feel like I am too fragile to live for long",Depression +9535,"Culmination of emotional, mental, and physical wear, but I have relapsed into depression. Living with a sense of complacency and irritability will leave you with nothing. & If you cannot love yourself, what is the point?Shitty realizations; but acknowledgement is the first step in a way. Sadness",Depression +9536,"I always wonder, why am I so depressed? Why do I hate myself so much? Who do I always feel like I need to please others because my feelings do not matter?I grew up in a religious community. I think I relived some part of this in my dream last night. All I remember is conformity. The fear of embarrassing myself for being different, the fear of getting scolded by my parents for embarrassing them. My feelings never matter in that situation. I do not know what it is like to be worthy of love and compassion because I never receive such unconditional love. I always have to be something else that I am not, to avoid shame and punishment. No wonder I have such a low self worth, no bloody wonder that I am suicidal. Woken up by realities from the past",Depression +9537,"I am a trans woman but I want to be a cis woman. Even the painful stuff like periods. I want it all so bad and not being able to have it has meant that I have never been happy. And I never will.At the same time, I feel such a pressure, because trans people are meant to have discovered themselves and be happy as themselves now. But I have never been happy because that has always been impossible until I am a cisgender woman. But that is impossible too. I am never going to be happy but I feel like I have to pretend to be",Suicidal +9538,I have spent the past months trying to figure out a way for her growing up without me but the truth is I feel her whole future depending on me and I do not know what I am going to do to do it while keeping her safe. I do not know what is going to happen to my little sister and its keeping me here for way too much longer than I can,Suicidal +9539,Over the last 4 days I have gotten around 3-4 hours of sleep which is really annoying because I am tired all do so I cannot do anything but I am not tired enough to sleep :( How to sleep well?,Depression +9540,Why cannot people with clinical depression be able to get this why does it only have to be people with terminal illness it is BS. I am not a bad person I am nice to others I do not bother anyone I suffer in silence why cannot I just get a win for once. I am going to have to be forced into a violent suicide eventually and I hate that I do not want to go out that way it is scary but I do not have a damn choice because people with clinical depression get treated like weak humans that just cannot get over it that is how society sees us it is BS. So we are forced into a awful death because of a stupid stigma. Why cannot I just die with dignity why am I forced to suffer?,Depression +9541,Sitting on my thousand dollar massage chair in my thousand dollar earphones next to my thousand dollar figures and thinking how hellishly painful my life is. Think of all the money I could have spent to buy happiness for people who can feel it. I hate myself more than anything in the world. I deserve to experience true hell. Rich piece of shit,Depression +9542,"I got a job and I thought it was fun but they overwork me. They do not train me because they are busy. I just want to kill myself. People could say stuff like: well, start your own company.... you do not get it. I want out now. In the beginning I thought: well, I should just work harder and I kept up with my work through self research because they do not have time. Well, how did they thank me? By giving me more. I cannot handle it and when I say something about it, they respond with: well, the works keep coming.... yeah, it is not my fault they organized themselves like trash. I am a hard worker but now I just do not see the need. Tf is this life? I want out. Hate this rat race",Suicidal +9543,"I have not been suicidal in 13 years. Now I think about it everyday. Things were already bad, but it has gotten worse with my health failing me then my family. I wish I had completed suicide when I was 19. I am feel like I am held hostage by responsibility and doing what is morally right. I already hated my life, now it is worse",Suicidal +9544,"it is my birthday today and I did not think I would make it to this day. Truly. This year fucking sucks so far, man.I lost most of my friends, I have memory loss, I have been suicidal since pretty much the start of this year and I was certain that I would kill myself before my birthday.But I am still alive and present. Broken, but present. Happy birthday to me I guess.",Suicidal +9545,"it is been one hell of a year. I had a lot of personal struggles (toxic relationships, bad breakup, jobs loss,, pet loss etc) along with the pandemic and I hit a very dark place. Suicidal ideation was very present on a day to day basis and it rook everything in me to fight it. I tried numerous meds but my body is so sensitive that they make me sicker then what it is worth. I since have been in individual and group therapy which have been helping but I have had to cut back due to finances. Some events occurred this weekend that triggered a lot and it all went downhill from there. I woke up this morning ready to take myself into the psych hospital-I felt so overwhelmed-judgemental thoughts were rampant and the pain was unbearable. I do not feel like there is anyone I can talk to about this in my personal life as they just flood my with toxic positivity or go to an extreme place. Just needing some support as I am truly feeling hopeless. Unfixable. Unloved. I spiraled pretty badly this weekend.",Depression +9546,"I want to murder everyone. I am so tired of watching these fat cows in society get rich doing next to nothing while I have to suffer under abusive parents. 25yrs of this shit and nobody has any answers. Nobody. Priests, therpists, nobody has any damn answers. They all say 'I do not know' or just empathize with no meaningful answer.I nearly killed myself last night, the government has permenantly severed my family in two. I cannot walk outside my house without gov approval and decades of anti-hitler rhetoric is a joke, people want a dictator again. The west is literal hell and there is no recovery from having a bad family. Jesus divides families and let us them rot. Fucking murder everyone who just turns the other cheek and cowers, there needs to be a reckoning. Murder everyone",Suicidal +9547,i wish people were not so cruel.,Suicidal +9548,"Their are other 19 year olds out there with relationships, full time jobs, their own bloody house... hell, some of them are even having kids... what the actual fuck am I doing?I am nearly 20 and I have not fucking achieved anything. Never had a girlfriend, no plans for the future. So fucking pathetic. What the fuck am I doing",Depression +9549,"it is been so many times I thought shit could not get any worse, but it did. it is so exhausting and demoralizing, if this continues I do not see myself alive by 30, I want it to stop. Rock bottom does not exist",Depression +9550,"...if you do not have a goal, life is a chore.My goal is to kill myself. Life sucks, and I do not have the courage to say it all again but life is overshit and I have reached the state where I do not think about killing myself but now I am at the step where you think when to do it and how to do it. I do not see any other way. I guess if I ring suicide hotline they will bring me to a mental ward... (in france) so no point. My parents call me selfish if I tell them that.&#x200B;WHY THE FUCK IS IT SELFISH FOR ME TO KILL MYSELF... but not selfish for them to ask me to stay alive for their happiness??? Schwarzenegger said : You have to have a goal in life",Depression +9551,"I literally never talk irl and barely ever comment but whenever I do comment here or anywhere online or talk to someone irl I always get attacked for not knowing internet norms, sarcasm, and other ""info"" you need to know to be a talkative and socially attractive person and that just makes me feel like shit and isolated. All the thoughts I am getting even rn is that people will attack me again so I have no idea why I am posting this. Just want this off my chest and mostly fellow depressed people are nice so I did not post this on r/offmychest because I will receive hate as usual for not knowing ""how to talk the right way in 21st century especially on the internet"" Always get attacked by people",Depression +9552,"I have had depression for as long as I can remember, since I was 11 I told myself Id just end it before I graduated highschool. Here I am, 17 years old months away from graduating and I am so scared.I have failed every year of school, I have absolutely no hobbies, no skills, no interests and no friends. what is worse is when it comes to my future, getting a job. I would not be hired by anyone, I have massive scars all over my arms and have crippling social anxiety. what is making this worse is I have no urge to even complete my schoolwork, I am meant to have an entire 5 minute movie for media and an English oral presentation completed for when we get out of lockdown (tomorrow). I have not even started. I want to drop out, but I feel bad for wasting my mothers money on my school fees. Lost [Vent]",Depression +9553,"I just have a lot of confusion this morning. I think that is just apart of depression for some of us.it is all relative. Life is absurd. The choices I make, the dreams I have, the lack of understanding, or clarity. I really have no other purpose than to get as healthy as I can in the time I have left, I do not have any grand mission in life, but if I did would I be better in some way? My existence has been painful and I just popped out of nothingness for no reason. Is this what managing despair is? I think so, I think I am just releasing shit in writing so I can forget this shit, the way I am feeling, the thoughts I am having, my confusion. I do not think I got enough sleep, that is going to fuck me up today, I just had a vivid dream woke up with a headache like I often do. Fuck, I think that one of these antidepressants is giving me headaches or it is caffeine withdrawal. Damn I feel weird",Depression +9554,and no one's around to help pills are not working and i had a baaad day,Suicidal +9555,"When I was younger I knew my mother was unstable. I do not blame her because she married my father knowing that he is an alcoholic who smokes weed constantly and never helps out around the household. They treated my brother normally since he is the first born but still he is low contact because of the instability of the household. For example, screaming matches and me stepping between them and me being the ""peacemaker"" and praising me for it. Not being able to use the bathroom at night, which led to some serious issues. But now I have horrible depression. Everone treats me normally now since I am an adult, and even everyone is normal and happy in a way. But it is just the trauma from my childhood still lingers and it makes me so depressed. I even developed my father's alcoholic tendencies, and my mother's ability to not handle any kind of stress without breaking down. I am failing most of my classes, but cannot tell them because last time I told them I failed one class they almost drove me to the point of driving me to the brink with mental abuse and other horrific languages. I just do not know what to do about it anymore since I am at the point where I am in between and cannot tell anyone. Called all the hotlines, talked to groups where I lived. Just depressed. Treated horribly as a child but better now? Still have serious depression.",Depression +9556,"I have struggled long and hard with depression and anxiety since I was 17. I spent years in therapy learning to work with it and my battle hit its peak in Mar 2019. I have an extensive list of mental illness diagnoses (Depression, Panic Disorder, OCD, Eating Disorder, Complex Trauma) and I have tried almost every form of treatment out there.At my lowest point, I started having multiple panic attacks everyday. I started not being able to commute to work or focus during meetings and I was highly encouraged by my medical team to quit my job after a couple of months into my first position as a fresh graduate. I was the only university graduate of my family and my wide-ranging experiences from juggling work and study placed me in a position where I was the highest earning member of my household. My family struggled with finances while I was growing up because my mother was the sole bread winner after my parents divorced and I always had to make the most practical decisions, even when we had to move from house to house because we could not afford to pay for utilities. One of my close family members was also facing trial for a legal implication at that point and we knew our finances were tight. So even the idea of having to leave my job made no sense at all and it seemed like such an out-of-character move for me. I cried and cried, and negotiated and compromised (because I still had student loans to pay off) but I could not avoid the growing emotional debt that I owed myself. Leaving felt like the biggest failure of all and I dealt with a lot of arguments and apprehension, but I did it. I re-scaled my budget, reviewed my expenses, modified my lifestyle and I made it work. Fast forward a couple of months into intensive treatment, I received my childhood trauma diagnosis and the battle of inner conflict ensued. It took me a really, really long time to process all the violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse, manipulation and blackmail from the past 2 decades of my lifetime. And because I dealt with so much pain and struggle, I was hospitalised for an attempted suicide in Dec 2020. I felt like I just did not want to be a part of this life anymore and I just really wanted a way out (I still cry when I think about this). I survived and it felt like such a burden back then and I did not know how to process all of it, but I started learning how to set boundaries and I let people go. I gave myself time, and I told myself that if I was going to live, it would be on my terms. I gradually started working from home for one of my previous bosses after I rested and once my finances were strong enough, I moved out of my familys house (which spurred another round of conflict and guilt-tripping) with my sister and our cat, and I swear that was the best decision I have ever made.Fast forward to today, I finally spoke to my boss (who has been extremely patient and understanding about my mental health situation) and we have agreed that I can gradually start moving back to working full-time with the adjusted pay and benefits to suit. I do not share the full details of my story because there is still a lot of guilt and sensitivity about it. But at my lowest, when I was posting on forums about leaving my job and about my mental illnesses, someone commented on my post saying that he/ she was in the same position once and chose to keep working, but ended up not being able to work permanently because of his/her conditions and encouraged me to take better care of myself. I probably would not have been alive if it was not for that comment. So if anyone needs a sign today, this is it. Leave your job if that is what you need. Take care of yourself and just give life one more try. Its not easy, and if I am being honest there are still days that I wished I did not survive, but not today. Today, I am grateful If you need a sign to put yourself first, this is it. (TW: Suicide)",Depression +9557,"To begin, i apologize for my english I am not a native english speaker, also, i cannot see a lot through my tears.Ill be 20 in about 2 weeks, and as long as i can remember i always felt empty, sad or angry.Mostly because i grew up in a toxic family i cannot part with because I am kind of dependant to them.So i tried seeking help last year, un february then Covid happened. And i had my first meeting with a psychologist from my college. She helped me a lot, i even thought that ill finally be free. That i will not feel like that anymore.Guess i was lying to myself again.I just feel like if was done, like i could not fight with sadness anymore, as if it won.I do not know if ill be able to stay, i do not want to live anymore, and its been months, i do not even feel alive anymore.Just emptiness, I am tired, i do not know what i should do After weeks of no suicidal thoughts I am just done",Depression +9558,"I feel that for someone of my age (M27) as if everyone is at a part I am not invited to.I have never, in all my life felt this sheer level of sexual frustration and its causing me to be incredibly down. I recently got out of a loveless, sexless relationship where I never felt wanted or needed and thought Id feel better. But I do not. Dating apps are not working for me and I have not got any friends to go out to bars with where I can meet people. This is a horrible rut. How on earth do people conquer this? Sexual loneliness",Depression +9559,Any painless methods? Any painless methods?,Suicidal +9560,A friend with depression talks to everyone except me out of a sudden. Does anyone know why ? Need advice,Depression +9561,17f it is the 4th week of my summer vacation and i litterllay did not leave my house. Life is so depressing when you got no rl friends. I honestly think I am cursed or some shit. I have been so unlucky all my life So fucking lonely :(,Depression +9562,"Just need to vent this out I guess, but was also wondering if anyone here can relate.A few years ago I was suicidal, and NEARLY followed through, but I convinced myself not to. I was in school at the time and hated it, so I wanted to see what life had to offer afterwards. Now I wish Id done it. I am in this weird place where I think about death and dying every day, but I lack the willpower to actually do it. I think about my brother, and what I could be missing out on, I wonder if there is something waiting out there for me that I do not want to miss.I wish i did not care. I wish I saw no brightness in my future, and I wish I was numb enough to end my life. But I am not, and so, I am stuck. I wish I was actively suicidal",Depression +9563,"And will not judge you The internet is more useful than ""professional help"" it is better to talk with people who wants to die like you because they can understand",Suicidal +9564,"I cannot will myself to even do the things I enjoy right now (mistly music and gaming) but every medication I try feels horrible and mind numbing so that does not work either. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. So I just drink, which only makes things worse but it stops my over-active mind. Just venting.1 I am too depressed to be motivated but not depressed enough for medication side effects to outweigh the benefits",Depression +9565,"It all started when covid (march 2020) hit and i got ill and a family member being admitted to the hospital all while i was about to finish high school with a bunch of late assignments. Its been very stressful but since i finished school I have been super depressed because of the fact that I am always tired and wasting time. The things i wanted to do and the passions i had for all of my hobbies dissapeared.Due to this I have been seeing myself as worthless and a failure of a human being. I cannot count how many times I have been crying during the night when my family is sleeping, thinking about how I am not doing the things i want to do let alone being productive in my life.All that I am doing is mindlessly stare at my computer screen for hours and go on very long periods of maladaptive daydreams where I am acknowledged for my imaginary accomplishments and competence. Everytime i watch anime or a movie where the main character does something cool or whatever and gets praised, i often start daydreaming and putting myself in that scenario as that character and endulge myself in the imaginary praise, recognition and approval from others. As if something is lacking in my life that leads me into maladaptive daydreaming.As soon as i realize that I am not the person I am daydreaming about i start contemplating about my life which ultimately ends me in a depressive state.I hate being tired all the time i hate being depressed and i hate this anxiety that is killing me from the inside out. I hate being with people knowing my life are not worth shit and i hate trying to explain to other people that i literally cannot do anything because of this fatigue while being a slave to my own mind. All the problems i have with my body has been going rampant since i do not have the energy and the care to even book an appointment with my doctor. I even have no sense of care writing this with empty emotions. I hate having these suicide thoughts thinking about how I am finally going to get that day of recognition from others when I am dead. But at same time not feeling suicidal at all and want to live a fulfilling life. My life is a mess and everyone else thinks that my life is going well. I have always been good at acting happy, smiling and laughing with friends and family but as soon as I am alone i start living in reality and seeing my life for what it is.I really want to help myself since i still have my hopes and dreams but with this fatigue i cannot help but wonder if I am just going to waste my life away in my own mind, dreaming about being the man i want to be.This post is just me venting the frustration I am stuck and there is no end in sight",Depression +9566,"Hello everyone. I am new to this group. I am 19 in UK and I have been dealing with depression alot. I was first diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety and depression a few years ago. And I have recently just come out of an 8 month relationship. I use to lean on her a lot for support for my mental health and now she is gone I am kind of stuck. I do not really have anyone to talk to through out my day. I have my mum she is my best friend but Id like to have someone I can make friends with and i can just make general conversation with. My lifes just a constant up and down spiral. If anyone has any advice for me please let me know. And go easy on me lol. Any advice to get over a break up too would be appreciated. Thanks very much. Need someone to talk to",Depression +9567,Anyone have any tips on how to get over this? Girl I fell in love with said that we do not click and I am really sad to the point where I do not want to do anything.,Depression +9568,"I have lurked on Reddit for years, but never had the balls to sign up and post. I am truly at the end of my rope, and I just wanted to reach out and have someone see this.There is not anything much to say, I am a scared, sad person who does not have any further options or avenues. My brain has been on fire for so long now, and I just want it to stop. I know I am too frightened of pain and death to actively do anything to myself, but I am just going to quit. On everything.Thank you to the Reddit community for making me laugh, keeping me informed, and generally distracting me through these times. I cannot Anymore",Suicidal +9569,"Went on a long walk after work. Lockdown has been going on for months. My evening walks keep me sane. The air smells terrible though.The job promotion feels more like a humiliation. Seems like I am only worth peanuts. I need to get out, but it is not like I am going to get a better job. At least my current work environment is nice. Every day, I oscillate between gratitude for the things I have during a pandemic, and anger at the futility of it all. I can barely afford to buy a place - will have to work another 20-30 years to pay off the mortgage for a shoebox in the air. Even starting a family is tough. I think I am going childfree. Money, money, money. I am working 2 jobs now, not because I am short of money, but having some extra cash, no matter how little, gives me more security. I am trying not to spiral. Maybe I need more sleep. And I need something else to focus on, a passion that could turn into a career. I did some research on grad programs and basically gave up because I am not ready to spend that money. My savings will be wiped out just to fund one degree. Even if I want to, the programs are too competitive, and does not guarantee employment or decent pay after graduation. One of my friends graduated from the field, and I witnessed the difficulty of securing even an internship position. Sorry for the brain dump. I needed to get this off my chest. Trying not to spiral. Even a job promotion does not help",Depression +9570, Sick of people who moan about trivial shit and get support whilst I have had the worst year of my life and get nothing at all.,Depression +9571,i feel like I am veering of the deep end. again. this is the 5th time this month. can i talk to someone,Suicidal +9572,"I know for a fact that I have some form of depression. But all of my reasons for being/feeling depressed sound so silly to me that it stops me from asking my Mum if I can see a doctor to properly diagnose me. They all sound so stupid, which always leads me to regret the fact that I use a suicide prevention line. Some of the questions that I ask myself are like: Why would you tell this stranger? Why are you such a fucking wimp? Why?I normally end up screaming internally inside my bed. I used to cry myself to sleep, but now there are not any tears left. I sing myself songs of my childhood. And I am very surprised that A) nobody has noticed yet, and B) I am not in a mental hospital. Why?...",Depression +9573,"Betrayed and f*cked over by everyone, been trying to love myself solely, i think this is how one stays alive in this society, by being a narcissist, if you have some form or empathy for others you just get used by them, weak but good one suffers while the emotionless but strong thrives Do you all also feel like you do not want to be a part of this sick disgusting society",Suicidal +9574,"I hate my existential crisis, people telling me what to do, corrupted government and the poor educational system. I hate how I get to have Glaucoma and I hate living just to find ways to get a college degree and work. Probably work your whole life until you die and I did not even asked to be here anyway. I did not want a broken family, an only functioning eye and depression. Last thing I want to have is being depressed while begging attention and comfort from friends. This just show how vulnerable I can be and it feels shit. Craving that attention and love because I am incapable of loving myself damn right. I thought life was going well but not until last night, I spiralled down again just because I got a degrading comment. Ah yes an Asian who has not achieved anything in her 20s boo hoo while being visually impaired. Realizing how pointless life is, family, work, relationships and basically existing itself. Screw supernatural shit, life and everything else. Nothing is exciting. Games, movies and junk foods that makes you forget how shitty life is. The food tastes crap, the weather is all gloom and if I could just throw everything away including me I would be happyWhen you are a kid life is pretty colorful and now it is just grey and boring as fuck. Guess what? Being an adult means you deal with life's crap oh and be the bread winner too. Why tf are we here on earth?",Suicidal +9575,"I have literally no skills. I cannot do any of my hobbies well and people literally try not to laugh when they see how shit I am at drawing or how fucking embarrassingly shit I am at sewing or the video games I like. Fuck, I literally cannot even stand up for myself or speak up for myself. I have been in therapy for years and I am still the worlds most passive, non confrontational person and literally no matter what I do I get hurt worse and worse every time I try to work at it. And if I do not work at it I get badly burned too. I do not have anyone that is super close to me and literally always feel lonely. No medication has helped me and no therapy either. I would love for someone to shoot me in the head and stop me from being a fucking waste of space. I am literally evidence of it being possible to be a lost because. I am terrible at literally everything in life. I want to die so badly.",Suicidal +9576,"God I feel so shitty constantly. Like I have not been happy in months. I tried to share how I was feeling with a couple friends, and we are not friends anymore because I am depressing to be around. The only thing that has stopped me from killing myself is I did not want to fail and end up paralyzed or brain damaged or in a mental hospital.Life is just so shit. I had to do a gun safety course to be allowed to buy a gun, but I finally got in and passed it and now I can buy a shotgun. I cannot wait to be out of this absolute fucking shithole of a planet.The worst part of depression is I know nobody else can help me, and I am too far gone to help myself. I have tried what I could. I am basically a walking pharmacy, I have been to therapy, I have talked to family. Nothing actually helps at all.Anyways I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. I think I will finally be able to do it.",Suicidal +9577,"All I do all day is sit at my pc, not because I like it, but because I do not have the energy to do anything else. I want it to stop, I need it to stop. If therapy and medication will not make it stop, I will. I cannot anymore",Depression +9578,"I do not even think I am actually depressed in terms of the medical way, but I do not know where else to share.I made a pretty horrible mistake a year ago and have tried to cover it up instead of make things right. Nothing criminal but a huge betrayal to family and even friends. I have cost them huge amounts of money and ruined my own future without them knowing yet. Just yesterday I dug deeper into the hole instead of fixing it. I pretty much have to end my life now or I would just continue to be the worst person ever. And yet I cannot bring myself to do it. I had a plan but never even got close. But today is the most despair and hopelessness I felt in a long time. I still know I cannot do it.I am actually a bad person, like I cannot be convinced otherwise. My actions are so awful I do not think people around me expect me to be capable of them. I continue to feel worse because I keep trying to avoid the fallout from my mistakes and am causing more problems that will pop up later. I just want peace, but even before all this I did not see a future which is why I allowed this to happen anyway. I just want this to be over but I am not strong enough to fix it. Thanks for listening How did I let this happen?",Depression +9579,It would not take long for me to die if I jump. I wished I had the guts while looking down from the 18th floor of my apartment today. I am too chickened out. I wish I had the courage to jump,Suicidal +9580,"this is more of a question than anything.often times once I find things going well in life, I sit down and remember where I was months ago, times where I have been severely depressed, and for some reason miss it. its an awful feelings once you are experiencing it, but for some reason, I get this weird attachment to the feeling. Ill be happy and growing as a person, but then get the urge to just self-sabotage and send myself back to the hopeless place I once was in before. I feel like since I have viewed myself as someone who is mentally ill and depressed ever since elementary school, its almost become an ingrained part of who I am as a person, so leaving that state feels weird...? does anyone relate to this ? I am not sure if the way I worded it quite captured the feeling depression relapse",Depression +9581,"I have spent the last 3 to 4 years in therapy and it has done nothing to help me. I finally went to the doctor about a few issues and spoke on depression/anxiety. She gave me the typical screening and I of course failed the exam. She asked me how I felt and also said that I do have panic attacks which felt so freeing to know what I was feeling was not all in my head. I knew I had depression and anxiety but the heart palpitations really are annoying and make me nervous as they go on.I am still really nervous about it, has anyone had similar problems with medicine? I am going to be starting depression/anxiety medication.",Depression +9582,How I am supposed to live if I cannot accept the way I am. I am bi sexual or maybe even gay and I cannot accept it. I am afraid of losing everyone and never find love. My culture is very hard and I have other 1000 problems. I have nothing to hold on to. So suicide is the only solution for me. is not it? How to live if you cannot accept yourself,Suicidal +9583,To be honest I do not feel like dying but i do not feel like living either. Everything is just whatever. I feel detached from everything. I feel so numb,Depression +9584,"just so you all know. I did my fucking best. I cannot take this anymore. it is just too much for me. Everything is too much for me. I cannot keep up with anyone else. I am a selfish human being and even though I have a good life I still cannot take it. I am too weak for this world. I cannot tell anyone because It will just worsen and worsen. mama already has depression and anxiety, is not that too much? I cannot give them anything. any problems but I just created the worst one. I do not deserve anything. all I deserve is to rot in hell and die because I did not pass grade nine and I only have 60 below grade. I should not live. So if anyone still reads this posts of mine, just know that I triend my best and this is the end of me. tomorrow is my last day and they will see my report card. If I somehow survive this.. I hope I will be stable enough to live and strive through. but for now. goodbye. Good bye for now.",Suicidal +9585,"I hate what depression does to me and I also hate that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening I was bullied at school I never had any friends this lead to drug abuse that just made the situation worse I am living life fine now but my depression and anxiety always comes back to haunt me when I least expect it I have been having suicidal thoughts recently but I know I would never act on them I do not want to die I want to live my life , life is great at the moment but depression says otherwise I try to be open because there was a period in my life that I was closed up and did not want to talk about anything and I lost a year of my life wasted on video games that made my depression and anxiety less but it never solved anything because as soon as I got back to real life it comes back to haunt me I have depression",Depression +9586,Sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me and now it is all gone. And I will never get it back in me. Life is like a collection of mustard seeds. Just once you spill it you can never get them back. One accident and it is all gone forever.,Suicidal +9587,"Not even considering my open affairs like my student debt and that, I can pay rent, and feed myself. Got a job, and alive and loving parents. So why do I feel the way I do? I should not. There are enslaved nations and poverty and irreversible environmental damage and everything's fucked but I feel sad and want to die, and cannot get over it. it is goddamn bullshit. Like, it is not fair to anyone else struggling with depression and that. Life is apathy, but I have no right to kill myself.",Suicidal +9588,"I am 26 and I always feel I was born in the wrong generation. Not because of ""hurr they had better music back then"" or any stupid reason like that. I should have been born 18 years before some great war so I could join the front line as soon as it started and die in combat. Anything past the age of 12 was just me racking up regrets to burden me further down the line.This life is just not for me. No way any person is supposed to live out his days like this, finding comfort only in cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and trashy reality tv. Even a simple decision like what song should I listen to is overwhelming. People saying ""get a new hobby or go traveling bro"" makes me want to throw up. I cannot even watch a new TV show without feeling as if I am drowning in some unfamiliar swamp. it is this minimal routine that keeps me afloat. Any deviation and I am in deep uncharted water with boots made from cement.Medication did absolutely nothing for me, therapy is one a hour a week I go to bitch about stuff for 100$/hr. No real friends that give a shit, no skills to get me anywhere else. I only have my mother and she is no help either, constantly expecting me to make her happy with an education or grandchildren or comparing to the more successful children of her co-workers.Having a personality and self esteem of a piss soaked rag does not help either. I will ruin and run away from anything good because I simply do not deserve it or it is too hard.Fuck life and fuck living another day. Thanks mom and dad for not using fucking protection you dusty fucking dipshits So this is life? Feeling like I am being mentally waterboarded? Latching onto anything that will distract me from the fact that I exist? Choking back tears from the crippling loneliness? Dreading every single day? Yeah sign me up homie",Depression +9589,"No idea where my life is going. Feeling depressed everyday. Medication is not working and is causing me constipation and making me more irritable. Life seems to be upside down. Everything annoys me and irritates me. But yet, at the worst point right now, i feel relaxed. I think sometimes when we are given too much control of our lives, when life is ""perfect"", we feel less happy, waiting for the next best thing. that is for me at least. My life is, objectively quite shit right now, yet i feel, as a result of a loss of control of my life, safe. i feel i can make the best out of every day despite feeling like crap. Holding on",Depression +9590,I am about to Jump in front of the 1 train on 125th again If my shoulder dislocates 1 more fucking time this year,Suicidal +9591,"It really pisses me off I am sorry if I sound really blunt but it needs to be said. Having suicidal thoughts and feeling like total shit most days while seeming visibly okay/calm feels completely surreal and not in a good way. it is almost like I have to replay my previous suicide attempts/mental health crises in my head so that I can reassure myself that I am struggling and that I am not just bullshitting my problems for pity or sympathy. it is not the only reason but a big reason why there are still so many ""shocking"" and unexpected suicides because (and I have been told this by people) people think that if you see your friends and if you laugh and smile and chat to people then you cannot be depressed, lots of people think being depressed is never seeing your friends, crying constantly and not smiling or laughing. it is really dangerous. Stop saying you care about suicidal people when you only mean the people who are visibly struggling/unwell",Suicidal +9592,I just cannot take it anymore My mom told me to kill myself and to die in intense suffering,Suicidal +9593,"Hello, back in my throwaway account again...The last time I was here I was suicidal... I was so close and I am so thankful for all the people who was so supportive here. I am feeling better, but now loneliness is settling in. I feel completely alone. I am ashamed to ask for anyone's time or attention because I do not feel I deserve it. I do not deserve it, and it makes me think that maybe I do not deserve to be happy. I logically understand what is going on. But billions of humans in this world but seeing how many posts here... The irony of it. How societal norma practically fucked us over. I feel a ""fight or flight"" response coursing to every inch of my body. I want to live, I really do. I want that dash between my date of birth to my date of death to mean something, yet I cannot see it, that meaning.Fuck, I do not know what I am saying. Loneliness, isolation, it is taking every willpower in me to stay, it is taking the very last thing I hold some kind of importance, my life. I see no worth in me, no future, all I can hear is the silence surrounding me. Why were we built to be social being but be selfish at the same time? Dangit, right now all I can hope for is that this feeling that is brewing inside does not go into a full breakdown/episode again. I do not think I have it in me to reach out again. I do not want a shallow life or relationships... I do not know how to end this post. I do not know anymore. Rambling due to loneliness",Depression +9594,So long just doing nothing. Mindlessly following a dangerous obsession. Trying to pass the days just waiting to die. Waiting for something to happen. My family will be sick of it soon. They already are. they have had more than enough. I did not sleep again. I have an appointment at 130 and its 7. I cannot miss it. Hopefully i do not. I wish it would just stop. I wish I was not so pathetic and lazy. Its true. I am looking for escapes. They do not come easy sometimes. Eagerly awaiting the greatest escape of them all. I honestly just feel defeated. I feel nonexistant.,Depression +9595,"Id like to say that I have lived a pretty normal life, nothing is really depressing about my life except how I perceive my own life. I have been diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder, so its really hard to just reach out to others because of constant overthinking, and I was also diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. I am 20 years old and in my high school years I have always constantly thought about killing myself just because I feel like a waste of a body a waste a space and a complete disappointment to my mother. I tried going to therapy genuinely looking for help and all I got was Zoloft. While still on Zoloft I still felt the same and for some reason in my senior year I completely stopped going to school and ended up dropping out, mom was not too proud of that. All I did all day was play video games smoke weed and work at a fast food restaurant. I actually started dating a girl for about 9 months which is my longest relationship but about 5 months ago she broke up with me which was okay I knew I would get over it but she started telling everyone and persistently posted saying I raped her throughout our entire relationship which completely caught me by surprise we got into an argument and the posting became consistent and most of the people I actually loved all see me as a monster that destroyed an innocent girl. I have contemplated suicide so often it no longer makes me sad and I am trying to find the absolute easiest and painless method on doing so. I guess I just need some help with this whole situation because I do not know what to do I get a good amount of threats I have already told the police of the situation I am just lost and I only see one way out. I want to die",Suicidal +9596,"How do you all deal with the lack of motivation and perspective of the future? I basically keep overthinking, how it is not worth it and all and how my current life is not, how I want to live in the future. However I have to push through the next five years or so if I ever want to live 'free', but I am so tired of it. I hope this even makes sense. What thoughts keep you going and working on your future? Any tips? Thanks in advance! How do you deal with the lack of motivation",Depression +9597,Its a pretty scary realization to have. Especially when it feels like there is no way out. So I could just play this script out for another 50 years... this should not be happening in a just reality. Oh there I go again with my lofty ideals. Nah fuck you reality. Suck my dick. My whole life is a sunk cost,Depression +9598,Anyone else here listen to lil peep to cope? Lil peep,Depression +9599,"Honestly I am always making jokes on how I want to die, and I always say something/someone/ it should be over, but in all honesty, I do not want to die. I want just not be sad.There is no reason to be sad honestly, but everything is just grey and meaningless, and I am an optimistic person. I try to look at all the good things but I am not sure why I hate it so much. Why I am so sad, why I want it all to end, why I make jokes saying oh will someone kill me already. I do not want to die, I am just not sure how to live. I do not want to die...",Depression +9600,I remember calling the suicide hotline sobbing and they hung up on me in less than 10 seconds LoL,Suicidal +9601,All instagram does is make me frustrated and ungrateful for what I do have. This world is so unfair and I am so ungrateful i cannot take it,Depression +9602,"I got 5ish months, if I cannot make anything worth while til then it is a wrap. I will not be playing this ""game"" anymore.I owe so much money between student loans and medical debt that is it is cheaper to die than stay alive. I am financially trapped and I am not even old enough to buy a beer yet. I am willing to sell anything I own to bet on some risky ass stock options or some other get rich quick bullshit. The older I get the less optimistic I get.I stopped caring for years and I am ready for my last steps.*do not follow in my steps 12/21/21",Suicidal +9603,"i recently had an extremely vivid suicide dream, feeling the same as i do sometimes but then actually acting on it. i went through the whole thing and it took what felt like quite a while and felt this emotional rollercoaster of extreme guilt, regret, but then ultimately relief. this is extremely difficult to process and it took me a while to write this because i do not want to contribute to anyone's misery or inadvertantly encourage anything.But, I wonder if this dream was about me acting out my inner (subconscious) feelings and those feelings being realistic. I guess the only way to know would be someone who has had a similar experience and failed attempt. Again sorry if this is triggering or unhelpful to others, I am just having a really hard time processing it. Extremely vivid suicide dream - were the feelings real?",Suicidal +9604,"Every day at some point, at least once, my brain reminds me of how weak I am and how much I fail. My girlfriend is out of town for the moment and I have been avoiding telling her how I am feeling because I do not want to take away from the fun she is having with her friend in Maine. there is so much I want to tell her, so much I need to tell her. I am falling apart and its my fault like it always is, and I do not know if I can step foot in our favorite ramen place ever again. I am sorry I continue to fail and I can never succeed in being normal.For context, me and my girlfriend of almost 19 months are very close and happy with one another, but one of her best friends constantly makes me feel uncomfortable due to events in the past and how she would be dry with me but not as dry with him in our group chat (that I have been gone from since that day) It was her birthday, and she asked if I could go along with said friend, who I am uncomfortable with. I told her its your birthday, of course you can and she asked her friend to come. And she was worried before, and she asked me if I would be uncomfortable, and I told her no. And I failed her. I was so uncomfortable, the whole day I was falling apart, and she trusted that Id be fine. She trusted me and I disappointed her. For most of the day, I wanted to push myself to talk to her but as she was mostly with said friend, I could not do it, and was trying to give myself as much space as I could. I know I am such a pussy. I was falling apart and I was breaking down. I just stuck with her dad while the two of them walked around. When we went to said ramen store with all four of us I left at some point to sit outside and try to calm myself down. And later on when the day was finished we talked about the day and we talked about how badly I hurt her and how badly I made her feel, that she could not even talk to me on her day. I am so fucking sick of myself, I try to be the best I can yet I somehow fail. Its been a week since that day and were both trying to forget about the pain it still haunts me so much even though she is forgiven me for it. Remnants of that day tear me up and knock me down, and I just want to get away from it. I want to hit myself. I am sorry for everything, I am sorry i did not do enough. My mistakes continue to torture me in my head at least once a day",Depression +9605,"I cannot really think of any reasons to stay alive anymore. Not necessarily in a depressing way , I feel really numb. I just think this world is basically hell, the majority of people are suffering and barely anyone ever wants to help other people. Literally the only thing that stops me from leaving this place is not wanting to make my family ""suffer"" with losing me. But to be fair I have always been an outcast in my family anyway they must be used to disappointment. I feel like before I do, I have to convince them to not care or accept that it is truly what I want and that I think it is better for me not to exist here. But bringing it up is the hard part because obviously it would be hard for them to accept or process. Also, failing and being in prolonged pain or ending up with some sort of brain damage / in some vegetable state is quite worrying. I do not care about fitting into society nor making money anymore, the only thing I want to do is help other people and make their life better but how can I do that when I isolate and cannot even take care of myself. Dying and experiencing nothing, or concious living on outside the body sounds alot better than this. Suicide is like a fantasy to me",Suicidal +9606,"My day is shit, it is going to be shit tomorrow, the day after that and the day after that. Why is killing yourself with stress okay, but suicide is not seen as okay?",Suicidal +9607,She stands alone waiting and wanting Someone to hug her to know her To maybe plaster up her broken heart But alone she stands Wailing of the pain within No one to understand no one to care She sits alone listens to sad songsAs they are the only thing that bring her comfort The world is as busy as her mind but nothing can silence these thoughts within Slowly she fades away leaving a piece of her broken heart on others but they did not care till she was gone.. Alone,Depression +9608,"I am getting so frustrated by my situation and I cannot find a solution. I have tried CBT, talking therapy and counselling. They do not work, you can never really talk about your true problems and even if you could they do not have solutions. Really does seem like the only purpose of them is to get you going another day or for you to incriminate yourself. I grew up poor, with a black immigrant single mother (and a white father). I worked to not fall into their trap getting an education. Where I was constantly berated for not acting like a black stereotype. growing up in a neighbourhood where being a drug dealer was equal in respect to being a banker. worked my arse off to not end up as a chav. got myself into a world class university studying a highly respected field (or so I thought). Hated every day of it but I persevered. so many times I wanted to drop out or end my life, might have even done so if I did not get a decent grade. but I got through it, the loneliness, the boredom, the racial abuse. I left with a master's degree. Now I am stuck in a job where I do not get to use any of those skills. Graduated 5 years ago so I cannot even get a job in my field of study. Seeing drop outs and convicts still serving half their prison sentence in the community making more than me working manual labour. while I am here getting fat making pennies working in front a computer. cannot even move jobs because I would just have to work in the same field but somewhere else. I made sacrifices for my education and to be on the 'right' path. my girlfriend left me and 8 years on still cannot find anyone like her. Because I am mixed race I get discriminated by girls I like. Stuck in a dead end job - dead end for me because I do not want to progress these soft skills I use. Before lockdown I made so much progress in the gym even kept it up during lockdown until I had to start thinking about moving up in my career. Now I have to sacrifice many hours of my free time relearning shit I knew when I was a fresh graduate while the other goals I was working on just atrophy. Many times I wish I killed myself in uni now I have to live as half a man. Good looking well educated - worked to hard to be the loser I am today",Depression +9609,"I do not know where to start, I do not want to continue living, it seems a sick thought but it is not (at least for me) and nothing fills me enough to suffocate this feeling which I have had for a while, the only thing that dissuades me a little it is videogames and hanging out with my friends (which I do not do much even though they are my brothers) but when no one is around, I just think about dying. I have never lacked anything, I have not gone through any traumatic situation or I have depression or anything, I have no reason why I could explain to someone why I want to die. My will to live ""simply"" has vanished. If I could change my life for that of someone who really feels that he wants and wants to live, but cannot for any other because much more serious and understandable than mine, I would do it without thinking about it, that way I would have a valid excuse. I do not believe or hope that anyone will ever understand my thoughts and the emptiness I feel being alive, but it is something I have already accepted. My thoughts",Suicidal +9610,"No one seems to know about my pain. All of ppl around me have always said to me that I know you are in hard time but there is no way so keep struggling. They actually do not know. I have tried to reveal my pain to my parents but it has always failed. It makes me sick. Very sick. I am living today cuz I did not die at yesterday. I just want to end this terrible life and do not want to open my eyes at the morning. I already wrote my will to spread to the ppl around me when I die. And I am losing myself rapidly. And I am losing the fear of death. If I die, they will understand my pain. they will know my pain. And they will be sad becuz they should have cared me more. I bet if I die soon, they will finally know my pain.",Suicidal +9611,"please I am kind of manic right now but like someone please validate me or give me the hard truth. I have been living with my mom and watching over my little brother for the past 2 years, rent free and trying to get on meds, back to school, and get a job. the meds part worked out but my mom will not stop bringing home terrible boyfriend's to our house that get in the way of everything else. in fact one of the reasons I dropped out was one of her boyfriend's. every day I clean and I cook and I take care of a toddler and no one appreciates what I do. the next day everything is a mess again and I get no help. it is repetitive and it eats me up from the inside out. I have no privacy because I am always bombarded with responsibility to watch a child even when the mother is available, I have basically become his mother and have raised him and potty trained him because his mother is too lazy to do it herself and instead she gets stoned with her boyfriend. i ask for money to do basic things like laundry and it always ends up being someone else's laundry money, have not had clean clothes in months. at first she spoiled me and buttered me up telling me to be comfortable and that it is my house too but now she treats me like a squatter even though I am responsible for the house being bearable to be in and not a fucking pigsty. i literally put my life on hold to helpher and now she kicks me out and calls me ungrateful for being upset and asking why I am ""sad"" . I AM CLINICALLY DEPRESSED AND HAVE GONE UNDIAGNOSED WITH ADHD FOR THE PAST 19 YEARS OF MY LIFE madam!!!!! I HAVE NO FRIENDS OR OUTSIDE CONTACT AND EVERY DAY IS THE SAME MONOTONY AND DISREGARD FOR MY EFFORTS. I am NOT FUCKING ASKING FOR MUCH. have literally gone crazy being financially codependent on her. just like my first step father did to her. the cycle is fucking repeating. i do not know what to do except kill myself or continue living this miserable existence. i do not know what to do anymore I think it is over give me your opinion",Suicidal +9612,"everyday i just see my sexuality becoming painful for me why was i born this way , could not i be normal like others , why do i live in such homophobic environment . I have heard it gets better , but does it truly ?i think it is just better to give up and die , because I am tired of trying to make myself or others happy can you promise that it gets better ?",Suicidal +9613,"I know there is no general answer to this question. What I am looking for is anecdotal information for comparison, so please feel free to share your story here!My question is for those who have experienced depression before and gotten out of it: How long did it take for you to overcome it? Also, what did you do exactly, what helped? [For those who have experienced it] How long did it take for you to get out of depression?",Depression +9614,They say its the answer to all Is heroin an answer?,Suicidal +9615,"I have been having breakdowns/tantrums over the past year. One last August, another one last November, one last May, and just earlier this week. My aunt (who I have never had a good relationship with) says I am having breakdowns habitually at this point and that I am taking advantage of my family. What she meant by habitually is that I am doing this on purpose/just to get what I think I want. She also says that I think the world revovles around me and that I need to get a grip. I do not even know what to think, because what she is saying is true. I need to get a grip since I feel like I have just been floating for so long now, and whenever I get hit with reality now and then I have a breakdown. I am just feeling so much hate and anger within myself and I am just taking it out on my family. I want this all to end. I am a fucking failure haha My family does not take me seriously anymore",Suicidal +9616,.. do another thing.I do not want to find another place to sleep at tonight. I do not want to go back home. I do not want to walk one more step. I do not want to talk to a person again. I do not want to spend more money for wasted hours of time. I do not want to go through the process of dying. I am sitting on a bench next to a river right now and all I want to do is fuse together with nature. I am so tired. I just want to close my eyes and not think anymore. I am so sad and I am crying. I do not want to..,Suicidal +9617,"my life is literally falling apart mom kicked me out and shoved me, i walked around town barefoot for about 2 hours or so before she let me back in, and now I am going to go stay with my grandma and be a burden once again do not know if I am going to stay on my mom's insurance or not and I do not know if I will ever see my baby brother or my cat ever again after I leave in the morning I am 19 and unemployed, have not brushed my teeth in 9 months, completely broke, and a high school drop out so yeah hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha not sure if I should just OD and get it over with or keep going because it is starting to hurt more and more each time I remember what is going on. cried myself to sleep while holding my brother and forgot I was stuck on this nightmare only to wake up and remember it was all real. if only I had just resolved to kill myself sooner this would not have happened. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. anyways bruh moment",Suicidal +9618,"No triggers, no nothing, I just feel like crap again. My depression came back out of nowhere",Depression +9619,"everywhere I go, everyone keep telling me that I have no right to exist and should kill myself. It has come to the point where most of the world wants me dead. I feel so alone I did not ask to be born, especially not in this country, why cannot I have the right to exist just like everyone else? I have no right to exist.",Depression +9620,"Is the name of a beautiful song I came across tonight. Thinking to myself, there is only 2 only people in my life I could really ever tell my depression and suicidal thoughts to. I do not want to hurt either of them. I still want to end it despite wanting help. Why? Look on down from the bridge",Suicidal +9621,"I have a problem where I can only feel turned on if I imagine that I am somebody else. This basically rules out sex with other people and I can only masturbate by constructing a detailed fantasy in which I play a character who is completely different to the person I am in real life. If I am in any way brought back to reality, I am immediately turned off. I guess this has to do with my self-hatred. I find myself very unattractive, repulsive even. I do not know if it matters, but I am a male and I play both male and female characters in my fantasies.Has anybody else dealt with this kind of problem? If so, do you have any advice? Thank you Seeking advice re self-hatred and sexuality",Depression +9622,Doubts about my relationship..suicideMonday again.. suicideGotta clean apartment..suicideHaven't done the things I want...suicideJealous of other people at times.. suicideThinking about me father that suicided.. suicideThinking about getting older... suicideHating teenagers for thinking about suicide and being depressed when they have not lived the stuff I have at nearly 40.. suicidePerceiving suicidal thoughts?.. suicideWhat to do? stupid suicidal thoughts. Is it a sign of depression to want to suicide for the most absurd things?,Depression +9623,I am ugly and bald and fat. I am poor and uneducated. I cannot find a job and I have no friends. Why am I still alive at this age when I know I am going to be alone until I die? Why push forward when I can opt out. I am losing my apartment next month and I am autistic and full of anxiety and I cannot handle living on the streets. I cannot do it. I have to be exposed to the world constantly and lose all privacy and possessions that made me feel secure. Why keep going? What is there to life when you are not suited to existing in a society built on productivity and beauty? What even keeps you going,Depression +9624,"The only thing that gives me any hope is that maybe Ill wake up and be dead or in a different world/reality. I have been so dependent on this for such a long time its sickening. Ill pick special dates and pray to god that Ill magically end up where I want to be by then. First, it was my 18th birthday, then it was May 31st, as it seemed like a decent reward for finally finishing all 12 years of school. But obviously, I am still here after almost 2 months (I cannot believe its only been that long. It feels like its been forever.) Now, for some reason, I am praying for July 30th. Third times the charm right? Probably not, but I can dream, cannot I? If not, Ill probably just end up taking matters into my own hands and killing myself. Sorry, but under no circumstances is suffering like this justified. I deserve to be happy, even if it kills me. I do not deserve to suffer like this",Suicidal +9625,"I figure this could be common with a handful of people. I always have thoughts before I fall asleep. Mostly dark and it gets to be very very hard for me to sleep. I take melatonin to make me sleep, But with it I have nightmares and all in all seem to not get a break. My sleep schedule has been extremely messed up but in my own sense its peaceful. I stay awake on my phone or computer till around 7 am let us say? And only then can I fall asleep on my own because my body is so exhausted. This ends up having me sleep till 5 pm at night so I end up not sleeping during the night and sleeping to much into the day. As much as this helped me sleep better I know It is not healthy and it really does not do well for my depression because to me it is, oh it is dark outside might as well stay in and waste my life away more. But if I put my phone down at a normal time my mind runs wild. And it is a very very scary place. This part is why I have came to this group to share. Whenever I over think late at night or let my brain carry on with it is thoughts it seems as if all my consequences go out the window. Like I am numb and nothing matters. there is been so many times all the reasons I am still here did not mean anything to me. And I tell myself just to do it, that the thought of holding a knife to my throat is overpowering my pets, my mom and my hope. If anyone has any advice to share to help me from thinking more positive or even not at all before sleep I am open to hear. I would like to tell more but I am afarid I have already typed out to much lol. Thank you for reading <3 ->I hope what I have said is okay, this is my first time posting anything like this into a group of supporters so If what I have said bothered anyone please let me know. And I am not trying to tell anyone to take melatonin but only that it is my personal way to sleep. If the mention of drugs or medicine is not allowed please let me know as well and I will edit this better. I have dark thoughts before I fall asleep.",Suicidal +9626,"Ever since the summer solstice, I have had this heavy feeling of dread that the days were growing shorter and eventually they would just stop. I have a lot going on in my life right now with divorce, retirement from one job and transitioning to who knows what else, my children live on the opposite side of the country during the school year(of no fault of my own), My health has gotten progressively worse due to my own lack of motivation and it feels like I am telling the story of the end of my life. When the days began to become longer, I felt a little bit of hope, or at least something I can look forward to. Now, it just feels like my life is ending and there is nothing I can do about it. Can anyone feel the days grow in shorter?",Depression +9627,"My safe option was always by drug overdose. My moms a doctor so that should be easy. Nuh-uh, not easy at all, do not recommend. Its been 3 days and I still feel like shit, my hearts beating like crazy and I can barely move without getting dizzy. I did NOT sign up for this. I want to kill the pain not because it. I thought I was just going to sleep then not wake up. Well I did wake up and now I have diarrhoea. Are you kidding me? Most of the other methods are way too painful and dangerous if I do not succeed. What I took was supposed to be lethal for an adult and I am barely a teenager. Goddamn immune system. I probably will not try for a while, I do not want to feel like this again. I hate this. Why is killing yourself so damn hard",Depression +9628,"Yeah, fuck my life and fuck everyone \_yeah, everyone\_ and i wonder how my stepfather can be such an asshole! I hate them both my parents, they are both narcissists and do not care about my mental health at all! Yeah, i agree, life can be fun for some, but really sad and depressing and full of anxiety for others. it is like I am paying for something i did not do! What the fuck, i start to hate myself more and more, and i feel like i do not need to. People (try??) bring me down and i start to hate so much I am actually thinking about the Best (not easiest) methods to die. I feel like it is not my fault for feeling like this because is actually not, i may sound narcissistic but I am just being high on thoughts man. Anyway imma keep destroying my life till i die. Peace to you all bros and sisters. I actually WANT to die but do not have courage (say something new)",Suicidal +9629,"So in my own (subjective) case, I would say it is a fight in and of itself just to recognise that you happen to be feeling the way you are feeling/thinking along the lines you are thinking because you are in a low swing and your entire perception of reality, let alone your judgement, is impaired.My brain has a habit of convincing me that something else is responsible; which usually ends up with me doing something radical like moving house, or even country, or just generally running from a problem I have assigned some imaginary responsibility to for what is, ultimately, probably just a chemical imbalance in my head.*Anyway* what I wanted to ask you guys is, when you get over that first hurdle and manage to sit down and concede ""I am experiencing a depressive mood swing."" How do you deal with it? It does not seem like something you can fight or attempt to deny, yet wallowing is counter-productive.Winston Churchill called it a ""Black Dog"" and I have read that it is useful to think of depression that way - some animal we have to cow or master, but I guess I am wondering more about techniques/your own experiences here?I can say that writing this was certainly helpful, so perhaps it does just come down to being able to articulate the problem? But that is not going to be a catch-all for everyone. What do you guys do when you are aware you are in a low swing? How do you deal with it?",Depression +9630,"do not know whether this is the right place to ask but hear me out.So one of my friend(let us name him J), he been through quite a lot - mainly anxiety, depression, and insecurities. My other friend (let us name him P) reach out to our friend group and said J has been ghosting us. Which is true, J has been rarely responding us even tho we reach out him. He said hes been overthinking a lot, his anxiety has been rising, and he needs time alone. Cut off from social media and everything. I understand and comply with his wish.However, there is something that is been bothering me with what P said. P suggests we should distance him, and show disappointment and negative emotions towards him. P believes that if we comply with him, it will only make him take granted for what we are doing and become selfish. Basically what P wants is that he wants J to know his behavior are cowardly and disrespectful to people around him, and that he should not ghost, rather confront us.I do not know what to do. Should we just leave him alone and let him figure it out. Or we make him learn that he should not ghost, but by harsh approach. Taking initiative and confronting him is also possible, but I do not know the right timing. If you have any other approaches, Ill gratefully listen to it. Thanks in advanceOn a side note, Ps intentions are for Js benefit. But its just not clicking with me. I may be bias by I try my best not to antagonize P. I want to help my friend, but do not know what to do.",Depression +9631,"I am a 20 year old and I have a lot of anxiety and fear. I know that my struggles are temporary and things will get better, but I am an impatient person and I do not think I can wait that long to see. I know people will either tell me I am dumb or irrational but I have been feeling very tired of living. I keep feeling like there is nothing out there for me and I am not good at anything. I am feeling pretty low about myself and I do not have any clue where I am going in life. Maybe writing this post out will meI do not know. I feel stuck in time and its a hard feeling to describelike nothings really happening and everything is just grey. Sorry, I am dramatic when I am feeling sad. I am thinking about leaving Earth",Depression +9632,Then they blame every single bad thing a person does on mental illness. People love claiming they care about the mentally ill.,Suicidal +9633,"I have this one asshole who i have to call my ""older brother"", and I am absolutely fucking sick of him. He is a self-centered, insensitive, narcissistic, disrespectful and irresponsible piece of shit. He can make all cruel jokes on others, makes faulty actions and just be so denial ,brush it off and laugh about it whereas if anyone makes a small mistake ( especially when you mistakenly touch his stuff ) , he would yell and shout aggressively, putting his rage on people, his ego is out of control and does not take any fucking blame. He is also a man child, 21 year olds but zero motivation and ambition, lazy as fuck and being overweight. He skipped classes at university, got failed in subjects, went home sobbed at first and then quit studying then blame my parents for his own crap.... All of this shit and he refuses to grow up ,he has no fucking regard for people's well-being .I am the one taking his shit the most because I am his younger brother, so he thinks he has the permisson to yell at my face whenever he is angry, even for no good reason. And he takes pleasure in , like i said before, making cruel jokes, demeaning and belittling others, once again I suffer from this the most. And i can say he is one of the biggest blame for my mental issues like low self-esteem and confidence, which makes me fucking depressed right now. I am quite a sensitive person who absorbs people energy and being really frustrated with hurtful words. it is a long term problem that I was being unawared of for a long time, only now i realize that it is mental abuse. Things are going bad for me.So i got into a brawl with him hours earlier today. He had the same attitude , being completely denial for his action, and when i mistakenly spilled some broth and he shouted at me. I have been tolerating too long.it is like an outburst of mine. My parents going to come home later, he is going to act like the victim. I hope my words can describe how much of a cunt he is for them. Sick of narcissistic sibling",Suicidal +9634,"when my mental health was at an all time low, i made shit decisions with people online to make me feel less empty and stuff- and now i just feel gross with myself. i still feel empty, but grossed out and mad at myself. does anyone know ways to cope with these thoughts? i mean i know its not 100% my fault because i was on the verge of killing myself, but that does not really help. i feel like tarnished and filthy?? and its making mental health so much worse and i really do not want to relapse. i feel like everyone is going to find out and judge me and be grossed out with me too- i do not really know but does anyone have any advice? how do you not overthink things from the past",Depression +9635,"I do not know if anyone can relate but i just wanted to get it out. I hate taking my meds because they make me feel better. I cannot help but want to get worse, i miss those times i was so out of it i tried to kill myself. I constantly want to become more traumatized than i am. I see people wanting to get better and be happy but all i want is for everything to go wrong. It feels so good for some reason to be messed up, its like its validating what I am going through. Its addicting and i do not really want to get better. i hate not being able to appreciate my access to medicine. what is wrong with me? Being sick is like being high",Depression +9636,"I have been increasingly suicidal over the past few months. As I understand it, it started when I watched a video talking about suicidal thoughts. They said: >A lot of people have visions or fantasies of what would fix the problems in their lives. > >I do not have that. I really connected with that, and I honestly feel the same way.I had a really severe crush ""break-up"" two and a half years ago, and I have not found anyone since. I have only had one friend in my entire life, and we do not talk anymore.I have never been on a date before. I have not even had anyone approach me or give me any indication that they are interested.I am 26 years old. I have been in pain for SO long that I do not think a relationship would even fix it.If everything changes overnight, and I have an amazing love life and I make friends to support me, and I get married a couple of years from now, I do not care.I have been through two and a half years of hell, and NOW people start to notice me? Why now?Where were these people when I needed them?**Getting ONE date, let alone being in a relationship would defy all odds for me.****In reality, though, it is nothing special. Like, at all. People talk about dating like it is buying a new pair of shoes.** it is over.I set a date. Unless something miraculous happens, I will at least attempt suicide on October 14. I may DIE in 80 days.",Suicidal +9637,I do not see anything wrong with suicide anymore. I feel like people who are sad about my death could just die as well. I do not know how to stop feeling this way. I am terrible. Absolutely terrible. I cannot fucking take care of my own hygiene. I cannot fucking take out trash in my room. All I do is just play video games. I want to plan my death and act on it as soon as possible. I do not care what will happen to my family after I die. I do not care if it will get better. I do not care if there is still things to do. Suicide is much easier than trying to fix myself and I am the type of person that takes the easy way out. If its a phase or a mood swing I would be even worse of a person than I already am. I am disgusted with myself,Suicidal +9638,No exceptions I have made up my mind been wanting to do it just do not wan make my parents sad but its starting to seem like they do not care too Got till mY birthday,Suicidal +9639,"Tell me something that will make me stay.I have a cat and a husband that I love so much. I want to end my life but? So many dark thoughts on daily basis. Say something please. Suicidal thoughts, help me.",Suicidal +9640,For know I guess I will just keep living in this mundane world hoping one day death will come for me soon. Mabey I will kill my self one day maybe I will not.,Suicidal +9641,"I have made several post in this group. I have made it quite clear that I suffer from depressive thoughts and suicidal thoughts its true. I hate myself so much. I do not even wish I was different anymore. I wish I was dead. My whole life I have been treated like a pile of dirt. By my family, peers and so called friends surprisingly I do not hate anyone else. Just myself. I have heard the saying every teenager goes through a phase like I am going through hundreds of times since I tried to let people know what I am going through mentally. No one believes me. I lost my faith in god since he never helped me out when I needed it. I do not believe in an afterlife anymore. what is wrong with me? My brain is coated with a fog that prevents me from thinking straight. I now have very bad memory too. I eat much more now and I cannot keep friendships. Maybe I am just bad luck what is wrong with me",Depression +9642,"I went on vacation this week for a wedding. I was the best man. I did it out of obligation to my best friend of 18 years. I have had active suicidal ideation and rumination over negative thoughts almost daily for over a year, following the end of my own engagement.The day before the wedding, I went into a canyon trail in the Rockies some 2000 miles away from my very flat homeland. I had multiple reasons: clearing my head for the best man speech I had not finished, exercise, and I was passively searching for a good spot to jump if the desire was there.I started at the bottom of the trail as miserable as usual. It was hot and dry. Hot sand was getting in my sandals.When you get about a third through, you run into greenery and you start to hear the promise of a river. Following the trail a bit more takes you to a small stream where you can appreciate the sounds and the drop in heat. The snowmelt will be almost ice cold on a scorching day even this far down.Up the trail, it gets a little redundant again, but just as you start to resent the effort, you see another formation of rock and water or a large ancient tree. As you get to the penultimate portions, you have steep rock paths that you can no longer simply tread without using your hands, but at this point, every sight you are seeing is more beautiful than the one that came before it, so there is only joy in the effort.At last, when you get to the waterfall, the payoff seems better than anything you anticipated. The pool at the base is knee-deep. The water is refreshingly cold and clear. And the sounds are more rewarding than any music you had on your earbuds on the way there.It was like a religious experience. It was fundamentally mood altering. The day or so after was the first time in over a year where I had zero rumination over negative thoughts, not to mention no ideation. And I killed the speech according to about 20 people. I was able to actually enjoy my best friend being happy. I was enjoying the new connections I made, and I really felt like my best days were not behind me.TL;DR: It sounds cliche, but try hiking, especially if you have something requiring the right amount of payoff for your effort. it is like a microcosm of flow (the psychological concept). Hiking",Depression +9643,"Does anyone else just want to die, casually. No worrying about getting better, not worrying about improving just waiting for it to happen in one way or another? Suicidal thoughts should not even be labeled as such anymore they are just my regular everyday constant thoughts. Can you relate?",Suicidal +9644,"I am a 25 year old guy who is genuinely bored of life and the antics of it. I am a depressed soul who constantly feels lazy and emotionally lost or even emotionally dead. Yesterday my gf left me because I rejected her support. Tried telling my mom quite a few times about my mental health, she says your brain is playing tricks.I have a job since the past 2 months which is actually easy to do, but I feel it is emotionally exhausting for me.I wish my mom would help or someone would have been supportive enough. it is really hard to accept loneliness and fight it one on one when you have no one to say - ""I am here for you"". Tried to tell my mom that I want to quit my job, she took that guilt upon her and told me to leave the house if I want to quit my job.My mental health has been depleting day by day ever since my dad's death in 2016.I come from a country where death by wish is not a choice. Otherwise I would have taken that euthanasia injection anyday.P.S. should I call my manager and let him know that please accept my resignation as this job is not my cup of tea ? I am ready to serve the 30 days notice period. As I do not have money to pay the covid allowance back to the company as I used those funds to pay off a few debts. I wish I did not exist",Depression +9645,Wow. The suicide hotline put me on hold and eventually hung up on me,Suicidal +9646,"My address is 151 11th Ave APT B08 Seattle, WA 98122. I leave my apartment door unlocked. I do not have the guts to end my life by cutting my wrists or slitting my throat... and I have tried.But if anyone out there is feeling homicidal, my door is open. Kill me please I want somebody to kill me",Suicidal +9647,"I always believed in future was going to be a lot better if I did not commit suicide, but it turns out to be a complete lie. Not only I could not celebrate my graduation in person last year, no companies were willing to hire me. I am dissapointed. Things will be a lot easier had I took the easy way out years ago. I thought future was going to be a lot better when I grew up. I was wrong.",Suicidal +9648,"A part of me feels like absolute shit that I have come to the point of ranting on reddit because despite the amount of friends and other family members I have, it always feels like no one wants to listen to me anymore. And even if they did, it always felt like they are doing such a bothersome chore. Every word is just a copy and paste.Everyone only pays attention or 'gives a shit' because they do not want to look bad if I do end up killing myself. I absolutely hate it when people tell me that they will always be there for me and when I do come and ask for help or someone to hear me out, they are quick to go off and play games with some fuckwit of a person or just simply ghost. Even worse, proceed to say that they do not know how to handle it after leading me on that they are someone I could count on to listen to and whatever. Only then to have them one day come back and show how proud they were for helping some random person online who was suicidal while I got the treatment of ""I do not know what to say :("" despite them writing billions of words and poetry to someone else. Life sucks. People suck. My mum is shit. I just want to die. But at the same time, it is not death that I want?? it is just, I want to die so I can be reborn and restart somewhere else, where I do not know these current people in my life or be in the same family as my mum anymore. I just want to die in this life. Alone, invalidated and whatever I guess",Suicidal +9649,"When I was like 14 I was going through a hard time and getting suicidal thoughts like crazy, so I told my dad about it. His response was the classic ""suicide is selfish"" and then he proceeds to tell me I would get a straight ticket to hell if I killed myself because suicide is ""the ultimate sin"" so having learned all this, I decided to bear with life a bit longer hoping that life would ""get better"". Since then my dad became an alcoholic and my mom took off, leaving me and my autistic brother with him. I began struggling with my sexuality and started experiencing gender dysphoria, and over this past year I started cutting myself. I have never wanted to die more than ever. 3 times now, I have held a gun to my head but I was too chicken shit to pull the trigger because I do not want to experience an eternity of torment. I am not even sure if I belive that shit anymore. I am scared of death but at the same time I just want to escape. I feel trapped here, how am I supposed to cope with this world? there is nothing here for me. Only reason I have not killed myself is because of religion",Suicidal +9650,"What I do in life is constantly find distractions (like what I am doing now posting here venting) and when distractions ran out and I am left alone with ny thoughts, I look back and notice how I am barely scratching the surface of living a satisfactory life.It feels like I am just waiting to die. It hurts everywhere. I am so fucking unhappy it hurts",Depression +9651,i am supposed to be doing better but thoughts of ending my life still plague my everyday existence. i truly believe that my death would relieve so many people of burden and immense potential pain. how do i stop imagining this escape and stop feeling this way? how do you deal with suicidal ideations?,Depression +9652,its 4:30am and i cannot sleep. all I can think about is dying. I am scared of these thoughts. i do not want to die but i do not want to live anymore.. I am restless and i cannot stop shaking.. cannot sleep,Suicidal +9653,"i come here a lot, usually after shit hits the fan. I am here again at a time I have never been here before and the moon looks so pretty. lights too. i wish things were okay thoughts on the bridge, 4:30am",Suicidal +9654,And now I have just found out that she is already with someone after just a month. it is like I It does not even phase her Ok,Suicidal +9655,"Nobody cares about me. Everyone treats me like a nuicense. I do not want to live in this world with such terrible things. I am not sure if there is an afterlife but I would rather jsut end it than see it through just to be treated like shit. Idk why I was put in a world full of such terrible things because they just ruin it. I think if i was gone it would just be better for everyone. This world is just not good to me and idk what I did to deserve it. I know this post is super edgy and whatever but this is really how I feel. To me the reality is just there is nothing TO live for. it is just about how you want to live your life. And since there is nothing to mine, I do not want to live it.Thanks for reading, and goodbye I do not want to live in such a terribly cruel world",Suicidal +9656,"I currently on Sertraline (200mg /day) and Quetiapine (25mg at night). Since the lock down in my home city, I feel more and more anxious. I have been thinking about killing myself a lot lately. What I could take to ease these felling more? I need help with my mediation.",Depression +9657,Guys and girls you know how school is about to start up again but I do not think I can make it this year I am going to die,Depression +9658,"I am a violinist for about 2 years. Its pretty stressful trying to keep up multiple things at once. The thing about the violin is that its all in the discipline if I need to get better and that is what I find challenging. I hate playing it in the first place with all these deadlines but I have to do it to get good extra curricular marks. Then I realize the last 2 years were all messed up because of this violin. I want to quit but my parents will say that I would be giving up something which I can do but just do not have the discipline to become better. So now I am at a crossroads. Hell, even now I am feeling stressed out cuz I know that other people have been through worse situations than this. How do I constantly do things which i hate to do",Depression +9659,I have lost so many friendsive lost all my personalityive lost my ability to functionthe only thing i want to do any more is smoke weed so at least i do not have to think about everything&#x200B;god i just want to be happy i only exist to get high,Depression +9660,"confession: deep down i know i find comfort in my sadness. there is comfort in familiarly and this feeling is all I have ever known. as wrong as it feels to say, reading all the posts in this community brings me a strange sense of ease in knowing that I am not alone and there are others who understand me. misery loves company",Depression +9661,Well after years of this bullshit I honestly believe am going to die alone and forgetten. Even when their are times when I try to reach out that broken side of me tells me to give up no one wants me around. Even when someone does talk to me I do not believe it is real anymore just being nice taking pity on the loser who has no one. I truly believe am going to die alone now,Depression +9662,"I am such a retarded fuck up, you know what I am tired of hearing? I am tired of hearing my school counsellor or my soccer coach telling me shit like 'it is in your head', 'Get out of your own head' and the most useless of all 'Combat/Challenge those negative thoughts'. Surely, one would think, if they were capable of basic human tasks, i.e. Not fucking up everything you do, the most basic of tasks in a sport, or talking to people, or giving people eye contact for god's sake, you would not **need** to **artificially** boost yourself esteem. Because you **are** capable of those things, you are capable of functioning as a social-able human. You know how fucked my self-esteem is? Sometimes, well actually, most of the time, I hate having a fucking shower because I hate seeing my disgusting retarded fucking body in the mirror. Despite being told by some that I am too skinny, or that I am normal, etc etc. I still feel and I still am a fat fucking retarded loser. I do pretty decent at school, I got an estimated ATAR of \~84 for Year 12. I wanted to be a pilot in the RAAF, but how the fuck am I ever going to achieve that if I am just an autistic bumbling piece of shit retard who cannot have a conversation with their mates one on one. I can do speeches to a class, or hell, even the school fine; but when it comes to talking to someone or having a conversation, I just cannot. I literally want to kill myself as an escape. I remember early 2019 (I think), I was plus-oned (since I never get invited to parties, not even my own friends') to a girl's party who I somewhat had a crush on (if you would even call it that, I do not think I had ever spoken to her, even to this day). Being the socially inept fuckwit that I am, I practically held on for mercy to my friend group as it slowly deteriorated as they spoke to other guys, and women who they did or did not know at the party. Eventually I was all alone, kind of just awkwardly sitting on my phone in the corner while everyone was having fun in the pool. You want to know what I was thinking while everyone was exploring their teenage lives with girls or having fun with their mates? I thought about I could smash my skull on the edge of the pool hard enough so that I would knock myself out and drown, or how I wish, how I begged that I had a gun and could just shoot myself in the fucking head. I eventually had the nerve to walk out on the party while some of my mates asked where I was going, or that they did not want me to leave. Staying at that party would have done far more harm then good I estimate, in fact I **know** it would have made me more depressed on the walk home then I already was going to be as I walked home. Why cannot I just be normal like everyone else, is it because I am an only child who spent 90% of his childhood staring at the wall or watching TV on his own because no one was ever home? Is it because I was a fat little fucker throughout the entirety of primary school, and how being picked on for being a fat cunt has subconsciously impacted by self-esteem? Or was it that time in 2019 when I got completely dacked doing a pullup on the oval infront of the entire fucking school? (I was already a social anxiety-having fucking retard back then.) Holy shit typing this just feels good man, wow. Do I have asperges? I do not fucking know. Do I have social anxiety? I do not know. Am I just shy? I do not know. Do I have depression? I do not know. I hope I do not but I kind of hope I do at the same time so I have a reason to be so mentally fucking defective. All I know is that I have fantasized about killing myself since I was a 10 year old, and NoFap has merely granted me more time to think about how badly I just want to kill myself. How bad I just want to buy a gun, or join the army and just shoot myself in the fucking skull and just obliterate my existence from this Earth. On that note, I am not like most people who say they have ""Given up on humanity"" and how they are ""turning their back on humanity"". Because I am not angry at society or humanity, I know I am the issue, I am the defect. I am so lonely and I love this solace, this hole that I am in, this melancholy. It feels warm, cozy, it feels like I belong here and it feels like I am here to stay. I do not give a fuck anymore, I just want to die. Maybe I will regret it when I do kill myself one day. I am just so tired of being an autistic little fuckup loser. Sometimes when I get mad at myself or I feel stress, I just like to rant in my head how I am so much a fucking fat little cunt f\*ggot fucking loser, it feels good. Sometimes I like to pretend I am holding a gun to my head (or in my mouth) with my hand and just pretend I am pulling the trigger and that I will not be here anymore. I remember when I was a little younger, I used to go sleep, making a prayer (Eastern Orthodox) and just pray that god will kill me or end my life. I am just listing my thoughts here so if this feels a little disjointed, I apologise. I just wish I could be normal, I wish I did not hate the very existence of my being, my body, my stupid ugly fucking face. I wish I could look people in the eye while I talk to them. I wish I could talk to people. I wish I could talk to girls, I wish I could feel **not** lonely. I have done research on how to do those things, and it just brings me back to where I started. 'it is in your head', 'Get out of your own head' and the most useless of all 'Combat/Challenge those negative thoughts'. Just read that, kind of liked how I brought it full circle. I know other stuff about helping my social anxiety and stuff, people say just talk to people or talk to strangers, even just shallow talk etc. and it will get easier. Sure maybe it might, but I do not want to have to try man, I am so fucking sick of having to strive to be average instead of just 'being average'. I do not want to try, I just want to kill myself and not have to bother, just give up. Some of you reading that message above might be a bit smug and say, 'then do it, nothing is stopping you, just do it, you are just going to be another statistic.' Do you really think I care about being another statistic? If I had a gun, I would have already killed myself lmao. I would probably be dead in the pool or on the couch, I do not fucking know. I am listening to some Radiohead and just writing these things while putting on a good album of their just feels right. I will wrap it up here, how the fuck are people cocky? How are people arrogant or become overconfident? I want that shit man, surely it is better than every thought you have in your brain is either a plea for suicide or a neutral thought which manifests itself into a negative one. Anyways, that is all I can think of for now in my smug retarded essay. Comment what you guys think or something so I know my block of text did not go unnoticed. Or even advice, I dunno, I have not **totally** given up yet. Thanks guys. Self Esteem - Kind of just listing things to get off my chest",Depression +9663,"I am self loathing once again, I have no idea what the future holds for me and I have no real control over my life situation. This feels like a dead end. I do not know if me writing stuff on here helps me in anyway but I just want to feel heard. I want to save my friends the burden of having to hear all this stupid shit. I know someone out there is reading this, thank you. I hope this feeling does not last forever and I really hope reincarnation is not a thing because holy shit. Idk what to do with my self Again",Suicidal +9664,i actually went to bed early after having a draining day and woke up because of a nosebleed. then i could not sleep because thoughts i do not want to have are cramming in my head. screw you emotions. I am apathetic all day and then when I am trying to catch some shut eye they are like I am present! 3 am hurting is the worst lmao,Depression +9665,"I used to have this group of friends I used to talk and play with for almost every single day in 3 years. One of them 8 actually... For 8 years I thought of him as my best friend... But then later he just really demonstrated how much he really does not care about me or anyone else in that group and left and we will... The rest of the group did not last long.it is been almost a year since...I was already depressed at the time but idk... This constant feeling of loneliness? Not having any actual friends? I have tried making connections with people I sometimes meet online in games but even when I tried talking to create a connection it just never really happens... They either just do not care, or will not even remember me the next day or just ghost me anyway. I feel like at my age for someone like me at least I will not be able to find that connection with anyone ever again... I feel like I will not ever find anyone I can ever trust again... Not after being betrayed multiple times by so many people including the only friend I had since I was a kid... IDK, at least a couple years ago I had friends? Now I feel like I have nothing",Depression +9666,"Doctors do not take me seriously, doctors will not do anything. This is UK. I have literally told them before I have a plan and I am going to do it. They say ok please do not do that thank you. I feel so alone. This world is not for me, I fit in no where. I cannot keep going. Have first counselling session ever today but he will cut me off because I guess he will say you need to see a doctor immediately. Then they will not do anything. No help is coming. Give it a few days. I think this time it will happen. Family think I am scum. No one takes me seriously. This is it. Why carry on when I will never have the nice things others get. BPD and aspergers, what a joke. On the brink, but no help available, no one takes me seriously. No one wants to know.",Suicidal +9667,Since the pandemic began I have been home more than 95% of the time ( was a sophomore now I am entering my senior year of high school) I come from a good family that I really do not deserve for a peace of shit person I am. So I am alone most of the time when I am home due to my parents working long hours and honestly that shit has made me crazy its more time to myself and I do not speak to anyone just to myself in my head I hate it I just hate it . I turned 18 around the beginning of the year and in my head I had told myself that is it I am about to do something with my life and now its July and I have not done shit but stay home like a straight Fucken loser I cannot push myself to do anything I accepted the fact already that I am a loser and no one can really change that because there is facts and its really just the truth . I am obviously suicidal without a doubt I feel like ending my life the more I live . I think about it everyday and every night And honestly I really have not done it because if I do end my life I will not have to deal with living anymore but I know the pain in my loved ones heart will last forever questioning what they could have done to save me . 18M,Suicidal +9668,"I am just over it all, I feel like I have no purpose and also just do not really care about anything. There is not anything left for me to do here",Suicidal +9669,"Woke up & wrote this. You never thought it would come to this. That the pain would never advance to physical. That these feelings would pass. The rope, the noose, the end. Light came and went in the tunnel of darkness. Fragments of hope fleetingly passing like a train on the tracks. The reasons for why to stay reducing further & further till, nothing. The rope, the noose, the end. Work, work, work. Relentless pressure. Happiness a memory, true joy a myth The mountain to recovery forever insurmountable. Hollow promises of help, leaving you broken, till there is no kind of help that will save you. The rope, the noose, the end. The rope, the noose, the end. The time is here. The rope, the noose, the end. The unexpected awaits. The rope, the noose, the end. Relief. Poem",Suicidal +9670,"After years and years of people's bullshit, I have just became a bitter and closed off person compared to when I was a kid. Constant bullying, constantly being ignored or belittled, constantly being seen as not important, stuff like this make me really despise everyone I meet. Usually people say I am grumpy, or I have anger issues. They usually say I need to be a happier person and be nice to others. Well to them, MASSIVE FUCK YOU . I am tired of constantly being the lighting rod of being looked down up and seen as a bad person when I am reality all I get is nothing but negative comments like racist or sexist slurs towards me or not supporting a belief or having doubts on an opinion. Yet they expect me to roll with the punches and shut up. I should give happiness to others when all I get is mental abuse and insults. that is why I despise happiness. I cannot bare to see someone happy because it reminds me of how selfish people can be. Even people who accomplished something makes me feel like shit because it feels like they are flexing the accomplishment when I am miles from them. Yet they expect me to cheer on the sidelines. It saddens me alot to see people in relationships or get opportunities while it feels like my life is on fucking repeat by eating and shitting. And if anything goes wrong, it is always my fucking fault. Dog hurt there paw? My fault. someone is tire gets flat, my fault. Someone is about to be robbed? Well guess who is fucking fault it is. I do not even need to be involved and somehow, everyone loves to put the blame on me. All these traits that people reflected onto me just make me wish for suicide sometimes. But I am too much of a pussy to do that. Instead I just reside to my own thoughts and being my own parent and comfort myself that others failed to show. that is why I hate being happy and that is why I refuse to give happiness to others when over the years all I got was hate and bullshit and disloyalty. I hate being happy and I despise giving happiness to others",Depression +9671,"HeyI think this is going to be sort of long but I need someone who does not know me personally to read my thoughts and give me advice on a few things.The first is that I think my views on society and even myself are getting changed by my friend. I am not going to get into detail as to what type of views, its not important, but I think because I have such a big need to get along with everyone and not upset anyone that I sort of just go along with whatever. The second, possibly bigger problem, is that the person I am dating, once straight and heterosexual, recently told me they are non binary. While that itself is not a problem, I am straight and I feel like its not fair to either of us to stay, but they make me feel like I have to. They always feel suicidal and I do not know what they would do if I left them. It makes me feel like a shitty person and I do not know what to do.Another problem is I am religious, I believe in God, but some of my closer friends and the person I am dating does not. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable sometimes and I do not like what the talk about sometimes. Of course, I keep my mouth shut but it makes me feel worse in the end.Yet another thing I am having problems with is figuring out who I am, Id there is any purpose of my existence in this Earth. I do not know what I want to do, I do not know what I am going to do. I just graduated high school and I am going to college. I almost feel like I do not want to, but its too late to back out now and even if I could, I would not know what to do. There is other stuff but I guess this is all I want to say right now. Thanks for listening, any advice would be gratefully appreciated. x Might be getting a little existential",Depression +9672,I beg and I plead and I ask for the smallest things and I get shown they are impossible.I cannot anymore. I cannot ever again. I cannot,Suicidal +9673,"The thoughts have come less the past few years. I am normal by other people's standards. The wounds have healed. But I still want to die. I gave up the razors and bleach and whatever else I could swallow that I can get without a prescription. Maybe I got soft? Got scared, got comfortable.My family would be sad, my partner would be sad, my friends would be surprised but I know deep down if I had the chance, if someone offered to do it for me, I would end it all. Still want to die",Suicidal +9674,"I will make it simple. I have a long distance girlfriend for over 4 years. My family has gone through shit, little sister died very young, dad cheated on my mum etc...I have serious mental issues. No I would not say I am mental but I am struggling with depression, honesty and motivation for years. My girlfriend has always been a support to me but lately she is been more of a mum to me. It turned kind of out of control and we decided to have a 2 week break. I do not trust her as awful as it sounds. I know she will not cheat on me, but I am scared she would find someone better than me, because I know, I am a piece of shit. After 1 week of not talking, I sent her a message, because I could not cope... Now I read and clearly everywhere says, if you go back to the girl before she wants you to, it is messing up everything... So now, it is obvious in a week, she will tell me to fuck off. I cannot face that. I want courage to finish this. All I search on internet gives me suicide hotlines. I do not give a damn shit. I am a loner, no one talks to me, I have no friends and the only person I would talk to is my girlfriend. She told me, ""you know you do this for us, keep strong for 7 more days"". I have never felt so rejected and I just thought to myself. No one gives a shit about you, it is you against the world. I am a believer and I want to be with Christ rather than stay here on this shit earth. I am not sure what keeps me alive",Suicidal +9675,"I have been helping everyone, but who is going to help me? Hearing the comments they make about depression makes me feel disgusted, I thought they would understand how it feels. No one seems to care about me. I could disappear and no one would notice. Why, what did I do wrong. I just want to be like everyone else. I am tired of keeping everything to myself. I have no one to talk to. I am sorry I just need to get it out. I am tired",Depression +9676,"For a little background information I have been severely depressed or all most a year now. I have been to several therapists, been on multiple medications but it all has had little to no change in my depression. To put it bluntly I am just tired of living tired of feeling sad, lonely,lost, hopeless tired of I all. I see no point in trying to get help when nothing is working. I am think I am ready to leave the world honestly. I am about to be a senior in high school and the thought of having to go throw a nother year of online school makes me will not to vomit. I do not think I can do that again I rather drop out but I know I cannot so the next best thing is-well I am sure you know. I am just tired of it all",Depression +9677,"I was wondering what everyone does when they get down?For the last year and a bit I have found myself extremely upset about little things that sends me into a sprial where I feel like there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better; that it is all too much.With that being said, I do not know why I feel so shit like this. I have a job, loving family, girlfriend and friends. I feel like I am a good person and the energy is reciprocated by those around me.2 of my friends have past away in the last 2 years to suicide.Thanks Struggling to cope even though my life is good",Depression +9678,"Last night, I took the shotgun I bought and I fired it once to see what it was like. It was loud. My ears were ringing. But it felt good. I think it is comforting knowing the explosive power. Knowing that if I load it the way I did last night and put the barrel to the roof of my mouth, I can end my entire life in one last bang.It would have been peaceful if I had gone all the way. I was out in a field, the moon was full and bright. It was chilly. I was in pain from my thoughts, as I always am, but it was nice being in control. It was nice sitting without any worries, without any anxiety, for just a few minutes. I shot my gun for the first time last night.",Suicidal +9679,But Ill suck it up and pretend like I have it all under control bc that is what I am supposed to do. I am getting pretty fucking tired.,Suicidal +9680,"I have to worry about every little single thing. In addition, my family bitches at me every single thing I do. My head is filled with so much stress. I cannot take it anymore. I want to stop thinking. Life is just too stressful",Suicidal +9681,"its just the same thing over and over againi guess i just started reading again so i would not speak to everyone else, sometimes talking just makes me uncomfortable its funny, i do not want to be alone, but i do not want to speak with my friends, maybe because i feel like they have their life together, they understand eachother, they are happy, i just feel horriblemaybe i do not fit in, i did months ago, now, i do not knowsometimes i jump from place to place, maybe someday I will fit in somewhere...maybe I will find someone somewhere...but if i did not before, how am i going to do it now?i wish i had a love story like everyone else did...they all seemes so happy when we were 15...sometimes i wish i could go back, at least i would have someone that understands me...maybe then i would not be so alone i wish i was not alone anymore",Depression +9682,i keep failing. eventually ill kill enough of my body to where my organs will shut down. i do not want to live without my baby but i cannot be with him because hes just going to hurt me again. i cannot keep being in pain. i want my release. the likelihood of my survival is low,Suicidal +9683,"I want to get better I want to feel happy and I just wish I could enjoy life but when is that going to happen how long am I going to have to wait to be happy I am fucking done I cannot deal with this shit I tried to get better I tried to stop sh and look at where that got, nothings going to change I feel as if I am stuck",Suicidal +9684,The only reason I do not is because i feel so bad about how my brother will be all alone and my father will be depressed.. I wish i could explain to them that i really want some peace of mind and death is the only way i will ever get that. I have wanted to end it for months,Suicidal +9685,"I wake up everyday thinking the only choice I have to end this numbing emotional and mental pain is to kill myself, but I have a child so I do not want to kill myself so I have resulted in hoping and wishing that if I accidentally get hit by a car or whatever and I die, it will not hurt those around me as much as it would if I committed suicide.A bit of a background: I had my child at 13, have my GCSEs, Alevels and a Degree. I have my own home and a job and such a great kid, like I am baffled at how amazing she has become.But I am tired, in every way, in every level and in every depth possible. I have a job that kills me mentally and emotionally and my daughters dad (who I am not with) makes my life difficult.The place where I work makes me cry on the way to my shift, during my shift when I am alone upstairs for lunch and I reached breaking point and cried during my shift to my deputy manager because I felt they was on my case all day. But I did not admit that working there makes me suicidal... I mean how can I? I decreased my hours at work 7 months ago as I was struggling so much with juggling the shifts and childcare, and I went on depression meds. I thought it would get better, but it has not. No change of hours has changed the fact that make me miserable. I tried and failed.My daughters dad, well can be a good dad, but picks and chooses when he wants to be. I have to travel up to 4 buses a day every two weeks to get my kid to her dads (as I do not drive) and back and the same again on the Sunday. At times I have to call other family members to do it for me as sometimes I am too exhausted to do it (especially after a fulls day work) and on the odd occasion he brings her back for me on Sunday or picks her up from a family members house but never actually from her school because he works and all that crap as if I do not. And when he does have her, he does not even take care of her, his mum does. he is in his room on xbox, at work or at football or seeing his girlfriend. Because he has a life and I do not as you can see.There is a lot more about why work and my daughters dad makes me miserable but its both long stories.The tipping point is work asking me to come in or to find other people to look after my kid if my child is off school isolating. I am a single parent and my work place keep asking me to palm my kid off to other members of my family or whoever while she is supposed to be isolating so I can work. They know all my family members work, they know my mum has COPD, they know one of my brothers kids (my nephew) has an autoimmune disease, and they now know that my daughters nannie ( dads mum) looks after 2 disabled kids. Does my manager and deputy manager still ask for me to find other people to look after my kid so I can work? Yes.I have finally rang my doctors to get an appointment for a sick note and I will hopefully find the courage to write up a resignation to give to my workplace too.Will I find another job? I am not sure because my workplace has made me so stressed, feel so worthless and feel as if I am too stupid. I feel like I cannot do anything anymore. I do not even feel like myself anymore; I feel so lost.I am lost. I have tried my best but I just feel that this is all there will be.",Depression +9686,I find it annoying at night time i spill out all that i keep during the day like a dam breaking.I am forever lost. I just want to know what is wrong with me!,Depression +9687,I have an odd thing going on. I never have any motivation to do very much but now I am currently very suicidal and also motivated to follow through. Just out of hospital and wanting to do a better job of it next time I try. I do have people in my life to live for but I do not have any hope for the future. I think the people I love would be better off without me they just do not realise it but would when I died. I need help,Suicidal +9688,"This is what they call a scapegoat personality. My father was one too. He was murdered and his whole estate was claimed by the government as ""proceeds of crime"" (innaccurate) - he was a multiple legitimate business owner/workaholic in the 2000s. It was by corrupt police that did not want him bringing information forward about them at his appeal. His confiscated assets were in the millions and years later I was told he was tortured to death in the desert two States over(right before his appeal date). He died before being able to show his innocence/expose the corrupt cops trying to extort him and regain his work and assets. He essentially worked his whole life from 4am until sometimes 12am (so all day/night and then some)at two different busy and lucrative legit businesses and provided employment to others not just for nothing, but to be spat back at in the face by all of them. As well as miss out on his own and his kids lives.I have been physically, emotionally and psychologically abused by my other parent as a child and every partner I have ever had (it never happened until they had me in a place where I could not go back or escape or when there were not witnesses). I tried to buy a house with my current partner just for him to use me as a stepping stone ""use"" being the keyword and everyone else has shut me out. I have not been in contact with my old friends or remaining family AT ALL for the past two years. My siblings are messed up by our parents but are Unhealthily codependent on our mom and scapegoat me in an unnecessarily psycho way as a display of ""standing up for mom"" or you could say rage denying that she was abusive af as long as it was not being directed at them... Cool.My partner since I was 21uses me to run around for his drug habit and would force me to do the deals while abusing me out of jealousy for the people I had to speak to to get him his drugs but he will not sort it out himself or help me. And he also then threatens to turn me in to the cops as blackmail for doing his drug deals when he feels like sneering down at me or is being abusive. he is also scary af and unpredictable (or should I say predictably abusive) when he does not get his drugs. He takes my house keys off me and kicks me out (I am part owners of the house not even sure if that is legal i told people this and no one cares he just says I am a drug dealer and they think he has a legit reason lol) and I have no one and no where to go. I just did a job trial and an educational course for the last two weeks which was government funded (same government that took my dads whole life away) the teachers were hella old and out of touch but ready to jump down your throat as if we are all feminist militant vegans ready to complain about anything and so this course went 14 days we did fuck all real learning and played games like hangman and they gave us ALL the answers to the assessments. all of them. It was a waste of time and a joke and probably a total of 15 minutes practical experience on a forklift which was the main reason most of us signed up to the course. They cut the course short and have not even booked an instructor/assessor so fuck knows if we are even getting qualified after that bs. My job trial on the last day the boss made some weird comment about my CV saying ""everyone lies on here"" (I think that is what I heard?) Nothing on my resume is a lie and even if it was there is no way they could or should know that they just did not trust me and had something weird in their head about me from the start. Not sure if they know my last name as same industry my dad was cleaning up in 15 years ago and they love shitting all over someone they were once jealous of. He was dyslexic and left school at 14 but just charging every day.I got ghosted by them but idc that much if I did. I almost prefer that to someone scapegoating me for something I have not done to make money, again. Forgot to mention I was really anxious bc I was told I could not take the day off the Forklift course the day of my job trial and I nearly cried multiple times sitting in class while they played hangman no joke and a legit crackhead on meth got to come back from the last class of students to take up our teachers attention the whole day while she sat at his desk and he essentially did her assessments for her. She was not trying man she probably did not even come to class during her course and she got special treatment to come back and pass. At one point teacher made an example of me in front of the class for giggling politely at the person next to me joke about might as well go home instead of play hangman... As if I needed to be taught a lesson in front of the class and this methhead chick while he ignored our class all day to help her cheat. I really want to complain to my employment agency who set me up with this course as we left at least two hours early each day and I am pretty sure they were funding this. If I did not waste my time going the last day I might have been better prepared and successful with my job trial if I had not been stuck there having anxiety and playing hangman while we watched the teacher pass a bad attitude chick on meth the whole day. I find when you are a scapegoat personality what you do does not actually matter. They will bend over backwards to block and cheapshot you while they help people who do not challenge them, their position, or their intellect in any way. ""The identified patient""",Suicidal +9689,"I have been taking 300mg Wellbutrin for about a year, and I still have not been able to open up about it to my friends and family. And now there is a party I am going to that involves drinking. My friends are suggesting I take Adderall to reduce the effects of being hungover. What happens if you take all 3? And what happens if you just take Wellbutrin and alcohol? Any advice? My family does not have history of seizures its unlikely that would happen. Wellbutrin + Adderall + Alcohol",Depression +9690,"I cannot do this I cannot frigging do this its too much its all too much, last night I was woken by the most horrific stomach/chest pain it was like I was being crushed and I could barely breathe. Took nearly an hour to pass and then I could not get back to sleep and when I did just awful nightmares and hearing noises in my head. I am freaking terrified all the time this is killing me maybe I am just going to beat it to it take back control once and for all. Worst nights sleep in a long time feeling awful I cannot think straight I do not want this anymore its too much. I am just ready to give up! cannot hack this I really cannot!",Suicidal +9691,"I wish I could just sigh and release everything but to be honest, all I really want in this life is to just be loved. To have someone who can actually touch me, most times I associate that with romance. &#x200B;But it has been so long since the last time someone even touched my skin. The last time was 3 months ago and that was a mere millisecond of contact during a routine checkup. The nurse accidentally touched my arm for a brief moment when putting the blood pressure cuff on. How sad is it that I remember that after 3 months?!&#x200B;That was the only physical contact I have had in nearly 3 YEARS and you wonder why I am constantly thinking about suicide? Is it not obvious?&#x200B;I just want to know what it is like to receive affection on a regular basis. But it is too much to ask and I know it is. I cannot do ""slow"". Not only have I been cut off from physical contact, I have also been cut off from social interaction with pretty much anyone. &#x200B;I do not know anyone where I live, I only have my brother and our relationship is more akin to roommates than anything. Seeing as how I am just a caretaker for him really, since he refuses to do anything for himself. &#x200B;I frequently think about just getting out of here, away from him because I am not his fucking housewife nor his maid. But if I do not cook, then we do not eat. If I do not clean, we get infested with gnats and flies. &#x200B;Seems every day is just the same. Wake up, try to figure out how to make my own mind a bit better, sit around, cook dinner and clean up and that is about all I can muster. &#x200B;This life has taken so much from me and all I have ever asked for was love. I have never cared for possessions nor money nor anything else, just love.&#x200B;It was a nice ideal while it lasted, I suppose. Because in this world, love has to be the last thing you want. You got to want the money and the job and the possessions first. cannot really function in society without those things.&#x200B;And yet, even as I have grown older, I still do not want much of anything from your world. 99.999999% of it is completely and entirely useless. &#x200B;Just basic stuff, you know? Like a phone, an internet connection, a cooler, a place to call home, a TV, some form of entertainment like video games or whatever, a bed, really simple things. You could toss in some gadgets if you like baking and stuff and throw in a musical instrument or whatever but you get the point. it is a very minimalist type of lifestyle. &#x200B;How ironic, I suppose. I try to live with the least amount possible and by doing so, I have the least amount of people in my life as well. Who would have thought?&#x200B;I try to change, I try to convince myself that I can change. But I am still stuck here, in this reality and I cannot lie to myself. I cannot redirect my thoughts nor shift them, it is all the same as lying. &#x200B;In honesty, I just do not want anything anymore. I want to want, but I do not want. The motivation is not strong enough to get me out of my head. I doubt much of anything ever could be.&#x200B;I have tried EVERY SINGLE THING I could find. Breathing techniques, bridging negative thoughts, cognitive behavioral therapy, I am even currently in therapy, I am taking medication every day and I suppose that is a +1 for me. I am starting to kind of build a morning routine and I am starting to take better care of myself but none of it is making any difference!&#x200B;I am still alone!! I am still useless!! I still have not been touched in an ungodly amount of time!! I get the slightest hint of attention and I am like a fucking lost puppy! I will follow you off a fucking cliff!! &#x200B;None of this is factually making anything about my life better. I am still miserable, I am still addicted to video games and YouTube and now Reddit has fallen in along the lines so I guess you all are just going to need to ban me. So I can do ""more constructive things"" with my life.&#x200B;As if I want to be cleaning up this fucking apartment that my brother has no problem in trashing but will barely lift a finger to actually help!! And it is just EVERYTHING!!&#x200B;I do not know how I am supposed to do all of this and be this person that I am not and I have to do it all alone because I am so fucking worthless and I have made some real shit decisions in my life!&#x200B;I do not know how I am supposed to have hope when someone comes into my life for a brief moment and then leaves after I pour out the darkest parts of me. &#x200B;I do not know how I am supposed to believe that things can get better when I am not seeing any real results from anything I am doing. My teeth are getting a bit whiter, so I guess that is the only real plus there.&#x200B;I do not know how I am supposed to integrate back into society when the smallest amount of attention makes me feel like I am going to explode and if that gets cut off... You can kiss all this progress goodbye. &#x200B;I have been starved for most of my life. In one way or another, or multiple ways. But I cannot ask people to understand that. I have to be the one to change and I cannot make that change without experience to back up the habits and since I am so damn sensitive to attention because I am so fucking starved, people do not want to connect with me. it is a fucking self fulfilling loop of neverending negative feedback and experience but I am supposed to just be ok with it. &#x200B;Yeah, it is ok. it is ok. I do not mind. Just go ahead and walk away, I do not mind. I do not mind. it is been awhile",Depression +9692,"Basically telling people about my depression has only made me more depressed because they accuse me of things. I realize the more I tell people, the more isolated I become in my feelings. No one can fix me at this point. I have to rely on meds and therapy for the rest of my life, which are not even adequate. I am just suffering every day until I build up the courage to shoot myself in the brain. My dad threatened to send me to the hospital because I kept screaming to relieve myself from PTSD. I do not want to study or go to school anymore. Everything is meaningless to me anyway. I feel as if I am on a stranded island by myself",Suicidal +9693,I just wrote a very long rant that put how a i feel into a way that was somewhat manageable to read. I just accidentally deleted all of it and I think that accurately describes my life. :(,Depression +9694,"Had a chat with my brother earlier today that just took the wind out of my sails... We talked about work, relationships, and what not, and as glad as I am for him, I feel like I can never amount to what he isMy parents, wildly successful and ambitious, have never been very proud of me. Despite my academic achievements growing up, staying out of trouble, being the second person to graduate college in my family, among other things, I have never gotten recognition from them. My brother serves as the intermediary, and he relays a lot to me from them because he cares about me but he is also the one in the family they are proud of. he is so much more successful, he is got a wife, he is in good shape, and he is just got shit figured out. And it just feels like I am just fucking sailing with no direction, holes in the hull, and no flag to be recognized. I am really trying but this so damn difficult. I am so tired of feeling this way, like a failure, like I will never achieve what my brother or parents have done, and I am so tired... I am just so worn out from feeling this wayI do not know what the hell I am doing with my life, despite my best efforts I am just worn out from all of this",Depression +9695,"Hi,I am a trans girl and I did not know many other trans woman before the pandemic, and now I feel like it is too late too meet other trans woman. I am not good with zoom calls and all the trans meetups in the sf bay area are going on zoom forever now. And now I feel like it is too late for me too meet other trans woman. I feel like it is harder too connect with cis people in general especially since I do not pass Feel like I am never going too be able too meet more transwoman again because of covid",Suicidal +9696,"I do not see any other option. I cannot achieve happiness in life. I am chasing a dream that i know I will never achieve. I have no reason to life for. I feel trapped doing the same things everyday. I have no friends, no social life, and i cannot talk to people for shit without getting anxiety attacks. life is just painful and i do not want to resist it anymore. why suicide got to be so hard? do not even want to wait till it gets better",Suicidal +9697,"I have been fantasising about my own suicide for a while now, maybe 2+ years (I am 15). they used to be more like an idea in my head, like in some weird dream world or in a fictional place or something. and the end felt figurative and it was just like falling asleep peacefully and never waking up.these days they are getting more and more realistic, like in my bedroom with a bottle of pills i know where to get, or carbon dioxide poisoning with the burner in the kitchen cupboard. the pain with ending my life is becoming more and more real, and it keeps appearing in my dreams too.i have never meant to act on the fantasies but last night i felt really impulsive, and something my friend said deeply disturbed me, and i had a really strong urge to harm myself or run away from home or take a bunch of pills, any pills. i think i had a panic attack and i calmed myself down by cutting but it was scary how strong the urges were.sorry just wanted to rant lifes being a bit rough. fantasies are getting more realistic",Suicidal +9698,"I just feel so lost and empty. Everyday is the same. I do not leave my house anymore. I do not even leave my bed most days. I do not have friends. My family is dysfunctional af. I need to study if I want to get my GED but I cannot concentrate. And even if get my GED one day, I do not want to go to college or to get a job. Tbh I do not want anything. I am 20 and I do not know what I am suppose to do. Life just seems so meaningless. I take my meds everyday, I tried to go to therapy, nothing works. I do not want to feel like this forever but I do not know what to do I am really tired of this",Depression +9699,"I do not want to do my thesis. it is not worth it. My mum is bitching at me because she does not believe i have depression and my dad is the same. Istg, if it is not because of their money, i would run away. I fucking hate them. Dad used to abuse me physically when i was younger. Both of them abuse me verbally and mum would give away info about me without my consent. Mum wanted me to be a doctor so she groomed me into one. I still like medicine but this is sucking my life out. She has her wet dream into reality i suppose. They gave me expensive gifts but never understand my feelings and mental health. I wish they are dead. I want to sleep. I do not want to face this shit. I simply want to sleep and tend to anything that i like forever. I want to be a floating thing instead of being human. This shit sucks. tired of this shit",Suicidal +9700,"I was hesitant to post something here, I think my problems are insignificant with the struggle that people are suffering in this discussion. But its starting to worrying me.Since past two years, I had to reroute my life entirely. I have a degree but could not work in that field, decided to became a cop, injuried my ankle in the phisical test, had to drop it.Been working in many, many shitty jobs to earn some cash.Joined the military, lasted 3 months and left before signing the contract. I really wanted it to work, but disliked since the first week. Tried so hard to like it, was impossible. I could not stand not being in control of my actions.Went back home, been here for the last two months. I cannot find a path, something that sparks my interest.I am tired of working in fast food, retail and warehouses, tired of feeling like a useless piece of crap. I think i have interiorized that i cannot do anything better, fulfilling. Days past by working with a dread in my head consuming me.Been drinking too much, talking too less to my friends and family. I think its starting to spiral.I workout since 4-5 years regularly, I am strong, but i cannot find the will to cut carbs and start seeing myself a little better.Writing this i feel stupid, like a whiny bitch when things do not go my way, but at the same time, i do not know how to get out.I want my own place to live, a work that its not a fucking crapfest, and some joy to get up in the mornings, not feel like a sustitute of a sustitute in somebody else's life.Its just... I cannot find joy, my hobbies bores me, I am not interested in finding a partner... Everyday feels like groundhog day, while I am wasting away. Early signs",Depression +9701,"All I feel is pain,I look at life with disdain,Games I play to escape life,My mind is full of strife,Music helps with the grief,It keeps me afloat like a leaf,what is wrong with me i cannot say,For care none display,My life shall not end soon,Though some think it would be a boon,I have one on my side,A deity or coincidence I cannot decide,Now I must sleep,It will not be very deep,I am haunted by a sight,Of when the dust my dad did bite,I hope he rests in peace,Now consciousness will decrease. there is not a lot keeping me going anymore",Depression +9702,"I do not know when it will be. Maybe at the end of the year, maybe in ten years. All I know is that I am worthless to everyone and I am worthless to myself. I cannot keep this charade going forever. I do not plan on it any time soon but I know that is the way it will end. I hate myself. I have even thought I want to have a disease take me already but I am actually terrified of dying. I just want to be loved. that is all I want now. I have loved deeply and I have been shown I do not mean anything to everyone I have met. I just want people to care and love me the way i love people. I do not love myself anymore. I do not even want to. I am such a fucking loser. Despite all the shit I think about myself, I know I am kind hearted person. I care for people. I just want people to care but I am not worth anyone's time. Despite all my efforts, I am unlovable. I have accepted that one day I will just kill myself",Depression +9703,"Its my birthday today.. technically yesterday now since time keeps fucking going. I never wanted to or thought Id make it this far, yet here I am. You can no longer use the teenager excuse lol. that is the first thing my mom said to me. she is talking about me being 20 now with no sort of education, no drive or anything to say I am a functional human being with a future. I already knew today would feel lonely and empty, but I did not expect to be so alone. My partner is literally the only person I hoped to see today but nope. Ill see him tomorrow maybe, but I did not want to feel alone today. I wanted to have one day for myself that would make this next year less taunting. I wanted to feel special and not loathe myself for one day. Its funny when I think I can set high expectations. This is just an intoxicated inspired vent. No one could truly know what is in my head unless they have stepped inside, so any outside input means very little. I am just still here and still waiting to feel better. I am still that sad kid who woke up so confused after attempting, why did not it work? Will it work if I try again? because next year will start a worse chapter if my story keeps going. happy birthday to me",Suicidal +9704,Ill be depressed for the rest of my life. I know this because everything out there is shit and its not going to change and my brain is not going to change. I got pregnant when I was 19. Wanted an abortion but was in the middle of buttfuck nowhere and ended up keeping the baby. I love my child and am a good parent but I hate that they have to suffer on this earth like the rest of us and its my fault. I regret bringing a child into this shit world,Depression +9705,"Someone really changed their life/ suicidal thoughts through therapy/ own will etc for longterm?I feel like I always get some days I am full of hope and motivation and take the pain but I am almost 30 and it ALWAYS were after a couple of days or weeks I am the old one, laying in my bed, hating everything etcAlways this circle So that the phases where I get motivated and positive get rarer and rarer which results in already knowing Ill be back in my misers whatever I do after some time which makes everything even harder Longterm",Suicidal +9706,I was sitting on my bed with a gun in my lap thinning this is it i had a good run and put the gun to my head and thought dang i really speedrun this bitch an in my head i just heard the dream speedrun du du du duh and that just made me laugh so hard that i dropped the gun and and made me realise what i was doing that clarity made me realise that life was worth living so i drove to my parents house and started crying my eyes out anyway that was a month and a half ago and I am doing much better I was about to end myself,Suicidal +9707,I miss being a kid so fucking much when i did not knew how fucked up the world is I am 17 and i do not feel life its for me i have zero interest in getting a job because i know it does not matter if i get a job for the money or because i like it both will suck eventually I have no friends irl because i lost a bunch of friends i had because we had to move to another city I have no interest in getting a girlfriend because i know love is not for me i do not think anyone will love me because i suck with any social related stuffI hate school because is pointless I am just learning some shitty facts to get a number going up and get a pointless job just to work like a slave just to make rich people richer and then lay forever underground But when i was a kid i just cared about friends family and videogames i was really happy now i realize how much life sucks and how pointless it is to even try But I am not even strong enough to kill myself because my family would get sad and i would feel like i wasted my life and their time i really just want to be happy but i find life so pointless and empty i would like to just dissapear like i never existed or just be dumber and be another dumb teen that just exists and its happy with the way society works Every night i lay down for 2-3 hours just thinking about how happy i was before i realized how shitty the world is I envy ignorant people so much what should i do ill end up killing myself eventually i need help i really just want to be happy :( I miss being a kid life its pointless and i suck as a human being,Suicidal +9708,"Yeah if hell exists, I want to go there. Endless torture and suffering sounds like a good time for me compared to living. I want to be punished and relax in hell because I feel like a massive saggy sack of sit every day to everyone around me. Ill feel good knowing I am there being reprimanded. I want it so bad its starting to sound more enticing than trying to live without failing everyone when I am trying my hardest. I hope i go to hell",Suicidal +9709,"Hi, Every since covid hit I have been struggling with being sad all the time and depressed. I was 13 when it started and have not been the same since. The problem is usually the reason I am sad is because I am super insecure of my weight/how I look. I also never go out with people I used to because I break down because I hate how I look. Everytime this happens or I am depressed for a few days I eat way to much, its basically a viscous cycle that happens all the time pretty much, some days are better then others but always bad. I was wondering if anyone have any suggestions on how to stop eating a lot or how to loose weight, or even have to love myself what ever works. If anyone else has struggled with this and has found a way to cope that would be great to know some tips. Over eating",Depression +9710,"I always have disagreements with my mom. I hate that when we argue, she thinks she is always right. I feel like she is a big big bully. Last night, i raised my voice because she was raising her voice at me. Then i puked like 1 tablespoon of blood in front of her. Today, she brought me to the doctor to check if i have ulcer. I do not have ulcer mom I am depressed and you are causing my depression. My mom brought me to the wrong doctor",Depression +9711,WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? NOTHING. I NEVER DO ANYTHING. I am LOST. what can I do?,Depression +9712,Tonight seems rough. Started crying in bed out of nowhere.I think work has gotten to me.I feel all I do is work and when I come home I am alone. I cook dinner for myself. And most evenings I stay in. I have been able to go out last week and hang with a friend. Its just wild Ill be turning 32 next month. Most people my age have kids and shit and or are married.I went through a breakup during when Covid hit. I do not have any urge to date. Its so hot to go running outside currently. Usually get that runners high to relieve stress. I figure Ill watch something on YouTube so I can fall asleep. Just binged a show on Netflix to pass the time. Pings,Depression +9713,"I have been trying different antidepressants recently (mostly SSRIs) and everytime I quit taking them in the first week or so. I just cannot handle the side effects - severe dizziness and this overwhelming feeling of inner unrest. So after doing some research I found St. John's Wort which according to one meta analysis I found, is as effective as common antidepressants but with much less side effects. ""Thirty-five studies examining 6993 patients ... evaluated St. Johannes Wort (SJW). The herb SJW was associated with more treatment responders than placebo. Compared to antidepressants, SJW participants were less likely to experience adverse events with no difference in treatment effectiveness in mild and moderate depression."" [Study]( looks really promising to me. I am currently taking about 700mg a day and I only experience very mild inner unrest here and there but nothing major. I hope to God that this will finally help me a bit. I will definitely update you guys if you wish. St. John's Wort is severely underestimated in my opinion",Depression +9714,"I am so young i know I should not be feeling this wayI should be out living my life and enjoying myselfI do not want anyone to tell me it gets better because I have waited and tried to get help for over 5 years and here I am in the same exact place I started. Life is a roller coaster and not a pleasant oneIm a seventeen year old girl and I am in survival mode every day. I am tired of fighting this alone If I disappeared tomorrow morning everybody would still go on about their daySo why I am I still here? What am I waiting for? I have already made my decision my next decision is how I am going to do it. I do not want to kill my self, I just want the pain to end",Depression +9715,"I am sitting here after my first week of my new job, I got a raise but I am not excited. I scrub toilets now.. my car was carjacked about 2 months ago with me in it a month after purchasing it.. throwing myself from the vehicle we lost everything we had with us phones, bags, some identity etc... after 8 months ago my last vehicle was stolen from my apartment complex one morning .....a week after purchasing it.. This is no exaggeration. And you may not know me.. I was a full time college student till covid 19 forced me to drop out due to my learning disability preventing me from taking online courses, the school had switched to all online learning and I have fallen behind due to fear of affecting my grades and learning opportunities.. also not having a car was not going to work.. I was going to school for medicine, sociology and criminology. I want to be a surgeon or a drug rehab specialist with a psychology major.. I also act and model and make music for my dreams.. I want to change the world and bring my creations to millions to enjoy but also learn from and be strong from. To inspire.. i want to be a good person,, I I a good person and I do not understand why everything is so dark.everything is against me. I am so tired... one thing after the other. . I can barely stand waking up in the mornings.. I bought blades and lidocaine because I am just tired. I am falling back into my had habits like not eating and obsessive little habits are creeping back into my life.. I am having nightmares and I can barely hear what people are saying to me.. delayed reactions and my slouching is worse than ever and I can feel it hurting me but I cannot care enough to force myself to try and sit up. it is starting to make my GI issues worse yet I cannot convince myself.. I am sick and disgusting every day. My GI issues are annoying and make me feel like scum..I cannot even go days without vomiting or getting sick from stomach acid and weak.. My mom is basically killing herself slowly. She drinks 2 pints a day and chain smokes and is currently suffering from some sort of internal bleeding while skipping a surgery she needed last year and is counting on death. I am left to clean up the messy house when she does not and the bills have fallen behind to an absolute bomb.. I am 23 and I am the head of house hold.. I cannot do this anymore. Her old abusive narcissistic habits come out when she is drunk and she snaps at me or shuts me down. And my whole body shuts down I feel stupid and like I am not myself when she triggers those old things.. I was homeless last year 2x and before was evicted from our family home when my mom divorced her fiance of 15 years one night in the garage, he then got us kicked out of our home because he was so vindictive. And now he is keeping my brothers away from my mom and me. We have not seen them except maybe 4 times this year when the court order says they have to be here a % of the week. My boyfriend is ignoring me every day now.. after I spent nights with him holding his head up scared of him O.Ding.. he pops in and out and now will not listen to me when i complain about what needs to be fixed.. he will not visit me when his father said he would be fine witv taking him to my house while he is at work so he could spend a few hours over here every other day.. but has never once taken the offer.. he did not show up for my birthday.. or our anniversary and I am falling apart. As I write this I feel suicidal and he is not here for me.. our date was tonight but I have not spoke to him in 15 hours.. he did not even tell me we were not doing to today and now I am just hurt because i did not even get an update. And he was not even going to be actually seeing me he said it would be a virtual date. But we live in the same state and he is treating me like a long distance Xbox girlfriend... My friends left the state and I have been canceling projects.. I have been laying in bed sad and barely eating.. even the weed is not helping. I hate myself. I cannot even remember what I look like on a good day and looking in the mirror is unbearable, covered in scars and cannot even finish school. I cannot even keep a car or keep my partner interested in me. I am a whiney fuckinf bitch. I feel CRAZY because I cannot tell if my partner is stringing me along or actually just going through something.. and I feel like I am mean and wrong for feeling the way I do. Like I cannot even speak to him because he does not even look at me when I tell him he is not being very attentive to me or the relationship.. sometimes he does not kiss me when I ask or pulls away from me.. we have not had sex in almost 10 months it was one reason and now it is another.. but he is asked a girl in the past for inappropriate photos.. if he was excited to see some random photo why cannot he be excited for me what is wrong with me.. he does not even touch me like he used to.. I cannot even call him he does not ever pick up for my phone calls when i call him.. he even tells me he lost his phone some times... he does not work he does not go to school he plays Xbox and never leaves his mom.home and plays with online friends? But is too depressed to talk to me i feel like I am the problem and everyone hates meI'm honestly just not wanting to be here any more and it is really starting to hurt me.. it is like the world is pushing me to take my life and I am really starting to believe it.. I was supposed to fucking die as an infant maybe it is true :( have not felt this low in a while..",Depression +9716,"I am not suicidal but the thought of it is nice. But if I had the opportunity to rent a studio apartment and vegetate in it, I would.I would go to work, order all groceries and essentials online, including clothing. I would turn off all the lights, lock the door and shit the windows. I would keep it clean and never talk to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary.I do not feel like a failure because I am a logical person who knows that there is no such thing as a failure or a successful person.At the end of the day, I was born with shit genetics, to a garbage family. I no longer care about myself enough to maintain my health if shit hit the fan.If I got cancer, I would let it kill me. It is simply not worth the effort.All of my hopes and dreams have been crushed. My health is deteriorating for a while now for no reason (I am not going into detail about that so please take my word for it) and I have never really gotten anything I wanted in terms of making progress towards the dreams and passion I used to have.Life sucks. I wish it did not. I am only 19 and I cry every night thinking about what could have been and what will not be, from a purely statistical and reasonable hindsight perspective. I am not the type to lie. I almost never lie and I am just being realistic.I do not enjoy anything anymore, I do not make goals or plans anymore. I do not want to be around anyone. I do not want a family. I do not want friends. I do not want a loving romantic relationship. I do not want pets. I do not like people, which is ironic, because I hate myself and I am finally realizing I dislike other people more.No offense to other people, of course, but I just hate human interaction. I really do. Maybe I am just sleep deprived and rambling but I cannot name a single time I have ever truly been happy without some sort of dopamine releasing drug. I mean, sure, when I was a kid and still enjoy video games I laughed and giggled, but that was not happiness.And ya know what, I do not even care about happiness. I cannot remember the last time I was truly *content.* To be content is to be able to sit on a bench, without any stimulation from an external source, and to be able to say ""woah. Life is pretty cool, I guess.""Yeah. Never felt that way and probably never will.Some will call me lazy or a loser, but from my perspective, life is not worth the effort. This is going to sound harsh but I do not even believe in love. I never tell anyone I love them. Not my parents, family members, past friends, etc. They always get so mad but I do not have it within me to fucking say that shit. it is so far beyond my functioning that I feel fake as fuck saying it.But then other times, I question if I really do not love my parents. And for the most part... Well that is where I am going to end this.I am not happy. Life gets worse and I am not counting on the grass being greener on the other side. I am not going to be one of those people that cheers myself up by putting other people down. So I save money and wait to afford apartment. Then I block everyone and sleep and work. I do not care anymore.",Depression +9717,"I am too fucking stupid to have a job. Literally everything on the skills and duties list of every job looks way too fucking hard for me. I already had a dumbass panic attack in front of a cashier years ago when I tried to work. it is not even the issue of trying or it being hard for me. it is the fact that I know coworkers will be talking shit because I am stupid or slow, like that one job. Nobody gives a shit about anxiety disorders or trauma. it is too bad I give too much shits about what other people think. It suffocates me. Applied to a job after years between and proceeded to freak the fuck out",Suicidal +9718,"But now its just too much. I feel as if life is going on without me. I do not have the motivation to do anything but hole myself in my room any chance I get. I stopped working out. Any slight changes make me experience breakdowns. I want to kill myself but there is still people I do not want to let down, at least 2 of them. I do not think I can take it anymore. I have to take an extra year of school in 2 days because I did not attend school last year. (Covid made my depression worsen.) I have never felt so pathetic. I just live on lies. The snow I am in is too deep. I have always ignored my depression.",Suicidal +9719,"Hi everyone, My situation was really happy, until being 16-17 years old when I discovered my biological sex is different than mental sex. Wearing woman clothes, makeup, doing things like woman makes me really happy.Unfortunately, noone around me, can understand this.I had many friends before, now I am talking maybe with one or two, mainly about stupid things.Everyone else thinks I am weird even my parents, who make fun I do not have girlfriend and look more like woman than man. Idk what to do, I would love to make full transition, but it is really expensive and risky. I do not have anyone to talk about that and besides moments being woman( wearing sexy clothes, makeup and getting attention), I am constantly sad and often crying.What do you think I should do with my life? If anyone would like to talk with me, it would be cool. I have problems with my self-acceptance and sex",Depression +9720,"Please help me idk what to doThe guy I (21F) like has been severely depressed for almost two years now. There have been times he completely blocked everyone out of his life. Now he is slowly getting better (meds and lots of therapy) but he is still very much depressed. I am always the one having to text first or arranging a walk for example. And even then he would be like: sorry i am too tired. Or Hmm maybe one day, but rn i simply do not care.Its ok. I understand. Most of the time.But sometimes i break, especially since he has been so emotionless since he started meds.Last time he was drunk and suddenly started sending me snaps. (he never liked drinking and he is a real nerd. Its nothing like him to drink. Besides it influences his meds). So i got mad. I texted him that he is being childish (which he is) and that i would leave if he kept acting like this, because i do not recognize him anymore (i believe this personality switch is caused by his meds?).He is involved in self-destructive behavior. And his psychiatrist does not really tell him to stop doing stupid shit. His psychiatrist would be like: do whatever you like. So my problem: I am tired. I did many things for him: make a giant surprise box, two selfmade depression journals, drag him to the library with me, gave him summaries of classes, defend him around our friends, take him for walks, kept texting him.But Sometimes i break, and i hurt him. I know it makes him feel worse. Its because sometimes I simply do not understand why he hurts me so much. Why he can never truly say thank you for everything.I want to make an appointment with a therapist myself. To ask what depression really is and what i can do. How i can handle his emotionless state. And what i should not do. And i want to ask the guy i like if he thinks that is a good idea. (He already knows i read books about depression etc).He does not really talk about the way he feels. And tends to act funny all the time. I knw its fake. I even told him that. But for some reason he told me he does not know how to stop it and be himself.I also want to show him this sub.Any opinions about this? Or maybe suggestions? I feel guilty and frustrated all the time. My friends even tell me i am a clown for texting him. I know its not true. But after two years i am doubting myself.Thanks Help pls..",Depression +9721,"everyone else in the title is pretty self explanatory but linux and kpop is very unheard of.So i got into kpop like november and loving it since then. Btw rm's mono album helps my anxiety a ton so you can try it with subtitlesAnd also i got into coding, and also linux to kill time, in the end with everyone is support I stopped being suicidal and also stopped self harm! :Dnow I am months clean of self harm and a month clean of being suicidal!~~also please try linux guys~~ not doing this bs in this subreddit How friends, LINUX,kpop counselor, loving parents and a therapist barely managed to save me from killing myself",Depression +9722,"For starters, I am a skinny female with barely any curves, narrow hips, small boobs, thigh gap, small butt and just nothing exciting to look at. Yea, my face is fine but you would be surprised how much a persons body is important. I tried putting on weight, but its very difficult. VERY difficult. I just want to be accepted. It hurts so bad knowing most men only prefer curvy women (which i totally understand, i wish I could have their bodies). I am really praying my metabolism slows, I just went to be a normal weight. Even to gain a simple pound, Id have to eat 3500 calories and even that is a lot of good everyday. At least for meI truly think my body is cursed :/ My body makes me harm myself",Depression +9723,"I am so tired of trying to be at peace....going to therapy...putting in the work...when all I want to do is kill myself. And I know the clear moment I start not giving a fuck about ""recovering"" people in my life are going to believe I deserve to suffer because I do not try anymore. cannot I just be tired? and also be loved? Why does it have to be so hard? Maybe, I do not want to get better",Suicidal +9724,"I am sorry to the many people I have hurt who will feel a little bit of relief knowing that I am gone. I am sorry for the grief I am leaving my friends who I have tricked into believing that I am a person worth saving. I am not. The last thing I want is for my wonderful parents to blame themselves. They did everything right. Every time you showed me love and kindness was only a reminder that I did not deserve it. All the time and money you have wasted on me, all the talents and penchants you thought you saw in me, weigh on me like cement blocks because none of it will matter in the end. I am a bad investment. do not think you did not offer help, you did, and I refused it over and over because in the end I do not want to get better, because I deserve to die from the rot that eats away at my brain and poisons my thoughts. My memory is fading. All I can remember is hurting people and hurting myself. Its exhausting. I wish you could understand that this is the one thing that I have wanted more than anything else. Its not just some sick dream, its my only way out. It does not matter if I am having a good day or not, that itch that is omnipresent and grows stronger every single day. I am trapped in a box with all my mistakes and shortcomings and my time in it is coming to a close. I love you two more than anything. You can hate me forever but please do not fault yourselves, despite what you may feel, there was ultimately nothing you could have done.I am so sorry to my sister, who is everything I am not and want to be. I am sorry for leaving a hole behind that you need to work to fill, it would have been easier for everyone had I never existed at all but I promise you are more than strong enough to move forward. you are becoming such a smart, capable and compassionate person. I am so proud of all the things you have not even done yet. do not worry so much about the logistics of the path to happiness- love yourself, the people, and things that actually make you happy, and the less important parts will fall into place. I always thought I would just leave without a word, but you know enough about the losing battle in my mind that you deserve some semblance of an explanation. I am so sorry, for everything. I am sorry I did not do this earlier, I am sorry I am doing it at all. I am sorry I am not the man you wanted your son to become. my note",Suicidal +9725,"Hi everyone, after years of thinking that I could get through it alone, I finally reached out for help. I am hoping for some change :) Finally reached out",Depression +9726,"I often fantasize about suicide on days where my inner rage and low self esteem surface and I am unable to stuff it out of my consciousness. I doubt my relationships, feel broken and worthless and I cannot pin my inner rage to anything in particular. I was molested by my uncle as a young boy which has likely fucked me up in irreversible ways. I am in a long term relationship with a woman and am unsure if I truly love her or if I am settling because I hate being alone and feel I cannot do any better. I do not know what to do or how to improve my psyche. I am seeing a therapist and taking medication but it does not seem to have much effect. I also have a rough job that pays me well over six figures a year so that I am trapped by golden handcuffs. I do not know how people like me make it to old age. Its hard to say if I will or not. Passive thoughts on bad days",Suicidal +9727,"For the record, I am not suicidal and I never have been. But I am going to tell you something, a true story, that might make you think another way.For background, My mom's friend, who I will call ""Susan"" speaks Russian and English, so she works in translation at hospitals in the you.S.Susan had a client, who I will call ""Sandra"" was living in Russia. Sandra's son, living in America told her to come live with him there. She at first declined, saying Russia was were her friends and job were. But after a while, she agreed. But when Sandra lived here, she fell in a deep depression. She did not fit in, she did not like her job. She would spend a lot of time just watching TV. Sandra starts feeling suicidal, not caring about life. Always saying she wants to die. She becomes isolated, smoking and occupying her time with herself. Smoking a lot. After a while, she visits her friends in Russia. They tell Sandra they are worried about her cough. Sandra brushes it off as a little side-effect of smoking. Returning to the you.S., Sandra's son expresses the same concern. She says the same thing, but they decide to take her to a doctor. Inoperable, Incurable Stage 4 Lung Cancer.Instantly, her whole attitude changes.The amount of time she spent hating life, not caring, she regrets it. She realizes how important it is, and what she has. She has a few months left to live. And she appreciates it so much more.My point to you is this: I do not know what you are going through. I do not know how you feel. But I know that if you push past pain and try, and maybe you will have to try hard; to try hard to appreciate life, you will enjoy life. You will not regret hating life and feeling like you do not matter, like Sandra did. Because like her, you will come to regret it.I hope this reaches out to you, and guides you to a better place. Some advice",Suicidal +9728,"I have been feeling down from a long time now, and the situation is getting overwhelming for me. Hence, if you guys know of any platforms on reddit or elsewhere where I can talk *anonymously* and openly to some professional, please list them out.TYIA! Request for platforms to express yourself openly to professionals",Depression +9729,"Lost my job last month, struggling with depression, OCD, and alcoholism. Family is worried about me. Had a friend tell me she does not want to hang out until I get sober.Been looking into rehab and plan on doing inpatient soon. I just feel really discouraged and things will not get better.I do not plan on killing myself but would not care if something happened to me. Feeling hopeless",Depression +9730,"How one human being can make ur life so fuckin miserable that you just not want to live anymore.when i was outgoing and extroverted they always told me to shut up and made fun of me,when i was fat and ugly they always told me that i was a pig,put the whole class against.but now they are the ones living a happy life?they are the ones living without a single problem?while I am stuck here,cannot even talk to anyone irl,as soon as someone looks at me thinking they are making fun of me.has to wear a shit ton of makeup now just so people will not treat me different.but it never works,IT NEVER FUCKING WORKS,THEYY FUCKING RUINED ME,THEY ARE THE ONES THAT MADE ME LIKE THIS,made me so fucking miserable,crying everyday amd evernight just wanting to end it all.but who is succeeding now??of course them,this life was never for me,for us.why,why do we have to suffer for just existing.do not worry i am a fat ugly pig,yeah ur right nobody likes me,yeah laugh at me i deserve it I am nothing that is what i am. Its interesting",Suicidal +9731,"I do not want to be here, and I do not think that anyone would even notice if I disappeared a lot of the time. I am struggling to keep myself here every day, and yet all anyone seems to see is ""oh it is karma because you are a bad person, you must be because you have bpd"", I think that enough about myself, but it is not easy to deal with, and I do not want to keep fighting it bpd makes me want to die n yet people think it just makes me a horrible person",Suicidal +9732,"Firstly, I just know that I will not ever be able to transition to how I want to be. I will not be able to get top surgery, or hormones or whatever because that shit is too expensive and I can barely make enough money to pay rent as it is.I do not have insurance, I am struggling to make money, and I barely have any skills that I am proud of. I am walked all over by everyone I know because I am a people pleaser. I just want to snap at everyone one day. I want to isolate myself from everyone I know. I just want to stop existing in the eyes of everyone I know.I try to ground myself, do that stupid coping skill shit, but it just does not work. Medication does not work for me either, I have tried. Therapy maybe worked for a little bit but I never really got to the things that I really needed to get through in the 3 years I went. Maybe I should become an alcoholic as soon as I can legally buy alcohol. It runs in the family after all. I do not see any point in trying so Ill just throw everything away as soon as I possibly can. I do not even know how the fuck I have gotten as far as I have in life. And I am barely scraping by. I often have fantasies of the train tracks near my house. Its only a 10-15 minute walk to get there. I think about putting my head onto the tracks, listening to music, and closing my eyes. The only reason I have not done it yet is because I am scared.The only reason is instinctual self preservation. And I hate it. I do not have the balls to just up and leave in the middle of the night because I feel like my roommate would figure it out. Or maybe not, idfk. Maybe if I just pretend everything is fine for a little longer I can leave without a trace, and no one will notice until its too late. Hopefully it would be successful so that I would not have to deal with hospital fees. Tbh I do not think there is any coming back from a train crushing your head in anyways. No one would notice if I disappeared one day. I am going to go nowhere in my life. I will not transition, I will not be successful, I will not have anything good going for me.",Suicidal +9733,"No, really? Why have we have a species survived this long? I do not get how people can just live like this without killing themselves. I feel like my family, therapist, etc. think I am crazy every time I bring it up.I do not want to have a job and I do not see why everyone collectively agreed that wasting your entire week doing mind numbing bullshit that you hate was any way to live. I ended up quitting my last job after a few days. Just walked out on my lunch and never came back because I could not stop myself from crying. I get exhausted so easily, and cannot really do much for more than a few hours without feeling like I am going to pass out, and it is so frustrating. I was taking caffeine pills to keep me awake at work but they did not do shit. Maybe it is a medical thing, or because I am autistic, or maybe I am just fucking lazy. I dunno, but whatever it is, it made me sleep for 16 hours straight after returning from my first shift. I tried to kill myself the night after my second one. I kind of wish I actually wanted to die. I used to, when I was younger, but I did not really have any means of doing it. Eventually, I taught myself to find things worth sticking around for, no matter how small they are. But it backfired, because I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself, because I was born into a world I am not cut out for. Now the things that previously were keeping me here are just things I have no choice but to leave behind, and it hurts more than if there was just nothing. Does that make sense? No? let us move on,I am stuck relying on my parents for the time being which I hate because I know they just see me as a leech. They try to sugarcoat it but it is obvious that my dad resents me and I am just waiting for the point where he cuts me off financially because I know it is inevitable (especially due to the fact that I am trans and closeted and they are both far-right wackjobs who are a few Facebook links away from thinking the Earth is flat.)So having any long term goals or aspirations seems really pointless, knowing everything can all get sucked out from underneath me the instant they find out.Ok I am tired of typing now. going to go pass out. what is the point?",Depression +9734,"I am such a horrible piece of shit, it is no wonder I am losing people left and right. I get why I am alone and everyone hates me. I will probably be forever alone assuming I do not send myself into hell itself in the next hour.I think at this point I deserve to be alone, and hated by everyone, to have no one care about me, ever. I probably should just off myself right now, so people would not have to deal with me anymore. I cannot do it anymore, why could not I have been better, why cannot I fix myself, why was I even born?I am not sure how much more I can lose before I just do not care anymore I am losing everyone I care about and I cannot handle it anymore",Suicidal +9735,"I think I finally hit that point where I am at ease with dying. I have a plan 99% sure it will work, after doing extensive research. God if my dad saw my search history yikes. I am going to pay off the bill I owe to my grandparents get rid of some of my stuff so my dad do not have to and then Ill just do it. My dad + his gf are never home, I am a adult so it do not matter. But I know when I am ready they will be gone for the weekend and I can do it. They probably will not find my body for a while because they only come in my room every couple of months I am always at work or sleeping so it does not really matter. Either way I am at the point where I know I am ready. Having it planned out has me a peace which is weird but I guess that is how you know its your time. 19F",Suicidal +9736,"I suffer from both extreme anxiety and depression. Well, this is one of those nights where I am having suicidal thoughts.&#x200B;I am aware various hotlines exist to help. The problem is, my extreme anxiety will not let me make use of any of them. I am so scared at the thought of talking to people over the phone. I am scared and anxious to even reach out to anyone for help. I am just going to get ignored? Maybe not, but it is how I always feel. The horror stories that I have read about hotlines not picking up make it worse.&#x200B;I constantly feel like I am a waste of space. I am 23 and cannot even do things for myself like make appointments, because I have to talk to someone over the phone. Sometimes I feel like there is no path for me in life and that I should just end it. Anxiety + suicidal thoughts is not a great combo.",Suicidal +9737,"She came over today (obeying restrictions) and gave me a basket of chocolate and other stuff along with a card that said something along the lines of ""I have heard you have been having a hard time recently. here is my phone number so you can call me anytime."" I am not crying you are. My aunty heard I was in the hospital a few weeks ago",Depression +9738,Please help just listen to me i need to get things out of my head Can anyone chat i really need someone?,Depression +9739,"I will not be calling anybody I hope somebody finds my rotting body Fuck this world I just took about 50 oxy pills and like 15 vicodins, the effects are starting to kick in now",Suicidal +9740,"I do not see a point to anything anymore. I believe I have identified it as apathy. But as far as I can rationalize it I exist on this planet to live for an arbitrary reason, and then die. Full stop. I cannot find meaning, I have been trying so fucking hard but I just cannot. I have everything I could want In life but I find joy in none of it. I used to love gaming, and travelling. As of the past couple years I have not felt excited for either in any capacity. I have not felt anger, happiness or sadness in what feels like a lifetime. All I am experiencing is boredom and apathy. I am not even sure if what I am experiencing ***is*** depression, but from what I can tell, its at least a form of it. I have been to therapists and psychologists, I have tried CBT. None of it has worked. I am trying to avoid anti-depressants but I hate the sound of the side effects, especially the ones related to sex. Sex is one of the last things that distracts me from what I am experiencing, although I am afraid I am developing an addiction to it. I am not even suicidal. I just feel so jaded and tired of living. But I do not see a way out. Being dead seems worse but I do not know where to go from here. I am a conventionally attractive, young, college student who is been in a stable relationship for 5 years with a gorgeous, amazing girl. And I am absolutely depressed beyond reason.",Depression +9741,"I am living my life telling myself that I am okay the way I am. I tell myself that I have no desire for anything and that I am okay with that. I tell myself that I am contempt with life and have no desire to make anything of it. I am okay with dying. I am okay. I think. So what now? I am in Denial, I am Okay",Depression +9742,"It is difficult for me to confront a simple problem. I cannot do anything. I cannot sleep. I have anxiety every day and I hate what I am doing. I thought before that I could fix everything in one day but it has been months of the same thing where every day ends the same way. Will a slow transition into sleeping better, exercising, getting small amounts of work done, fix anything? Does it need to be immediate? Now I do not know. Is it wrong to wait for something to change",Depression +9743,"I suppose I just need a place to vent. The past year has been terrible, horrid. And even with summer rolling through, I feel this utter disgust at myself and who I am; it is no longer a probability that I was going through seasonal affective disorder or whatever it is called. I am at least not as severely depressed, but there really is not a day that goes by where I do not think about killing myself. I just think not many people in my circle, perhaps anyone, is really ready to have that conversation, even those who know of my feelings and thoughts. Of course, people are dealing with their own issues, especially during this pandemic, I just cannot help but feel like I have been going through these episodes of depression for the last five years. Five whole years of contemplating suicide. I am not alone in how I feel, but it never ceases to seem so isolating and that I am truly alone. Even getting a full time job did not make anything better; it dawned on me that this will be the rest of my life--wake up, work, eat, sleep. And everyday what I want to achieve and pursue seems that much farther away. Life cannot just be this, or else what is the point? It seems as though the most feasible way of alleviating this malaise is just ending it all, never needing to worry about life again. It never really went away",Depression +9744,"* **So I was playing a Team Fortress 2 map on casual, I have been playing this game for about 5 years and I still suck at the game at times and sometimes do to my family's internet and my crappy intel laptop, I would lag. I saw videos of people telling their problems on here so I thought I should give it a try. I am a 17 year old guy doing my last year of high school, I have autism and I prefer to be treated like a normal person and to get not pity for having autism. But what happened was that this guy who ill keep anonymous. He was saying I was bad and just being harsh about it giving me nothing but destructive criticism.** &#x200B;* **I use this game as a coping mechanism and it works a lot. I just need some support and motivation right now and would appreciate not looking this guy up because I already reported him for abusing the in game kick system and harassment.** I played Team Fortress 2 & met a harsh guy.",Depression +9745,"Stuck, board, tired, sick of food, sick of sleep, sick of oxygen, sick of this , sick of that Medication does not work, everyday is repeating itself, and I am stuck in a time loop.",Depression +9746,"This is starting to get so frustrating and exhausting, I just never feel any positive emotions. I do not even remember the last time I felt happy and content with my life. Laughing is always fake, I do not recall bursting out with laughter in many years.I just feel like I am always faking a smile and fake laughing. I feel so empty and dull inside.What also annoys me is that I do not have a reason to feel this way. My life is in a pretty good position right now, but still I just do not feel anything positive. it is always sadness, exhaustion and jealousy. Just negative emotions. I never feel any positive emotions. I just cannot laugh or feel happy.",Depression +9747,what can i overdose with quickly? Give my drug suggestions,Suicidal +9748,life is miserable why would anyone want to actually live through it??? if i had access to good shit my dumbass would be gone by now literally cannot wait until i can properly do it how do people enjoy living at all,Suicidal +9749,I am done. I wish I did not have my life anymore. WHY AM I EVEN HERE?,Depression +9750,it happens again. I want to die again. I want to cut. lifes inconveniences push me to be done. I just want to be done. I am so tired of hurting this bad. id rather feel nothing at all. just when I think I am good,Suicidal +9751,Do I have a symptom/am I crazy?Okay so I (14F) have a sister(16F). And were pretty close like really really close. Our mother passed away when we was younger(she was murder) . 7 and 5 years old. So its really just us to against the world. My sister is really quiet and does not talk to no one. While I on the other hand is completely the opposite. But ig after my mother passing and other shit happening. I have this feeling to protect my sister from everyone and everything. Like I never been away from her for more then 3 days. And if she does not go then I will not go and vis-versa ( sorry for bad spelling) but yea I am usually the one to do everything(which I have no problem with) and I always keep track of my sister to protect her from anything and anyone because I do not want to lose her. ( our dad is not in our life) but whenever my sister goes to work we share locations so I check it every 5 minutes. Because every negative possibility fills my head that something is happening to her like she is getting murdered or something. She understands how I feel when it comes to her for the most part. But then a lot of times at night I go into her room and just cry because I cannot stop myself from thinking someone is going to kill her while she is sleep and take her from me. And I just watch by the door with something sharp. Waiting for someone to try to take her from me. And she is knows and she tells me nothing is going to happen but I cannot help it. Like she is mine(my sister) I cannot let anything happen to her. I have no memory of our mom. But all I know is once I saw her in the casket. I vowed to let nothing happen to my sister. But I think there something wrong with me because sometimes when I am by myself I just talk out of nowhere forming a plan to kill anyone that try to hurts my sister. And it feels like someone is talking back to me . But I do not even care I just want to keep my sister safe. So is there something wrong with me? Please help me.,Suicidal +9752,my boyfriend admitted he does not enjoy a lot if the thingsi do like cuddlikg or beingon voice chat or find me sexually attractive I am just hsving a breakdown and i cannot see a point in livingcan someoneplease just help me in the comments maybe give me advice on wamringhim up to those things i do not know can someone please comfort me or give me a reason,Suicidal +9753,I have been quiet as shit for most of my life so i literally did not even get a chance to develop one anyway i was like bullied at 7 and stuff and they were my big buddies in class to help me read and whatever but they called me annoying and stupid and whatever and i feel like they got me to shut up or smth idk tho and i feel like its too late for me anyway and i really want to kms lol i wish i had a personality,Suicidal +9754,"I have recently been struggling so much to make it through every day and I have been relapsing my self harm whilst knowing I have a camping trip to a river coming up soon. I feel like an immediate threat to myself and yesterday I almost went through with ending my life. I contemplated walking to the active train tracks near my house because it would be a quick and easy death but I did not end up going because I have ADHD and forgot about the whole thing. I always want to die and I hurt myself so much, I have been contemplating getting further help (admitting myself into a psych ward) but I have no idea how to do that and what to tell my parents. I want advice about how to do this I feel like it is what is best for me but I do not know if I am even suicidal enough to get admitted or how to tell anyone. I feel that if I do not seek help sooner I will not survive much longer, I feel like I have a good 4 days before I fully snap and go through with it. I want to seek further help",Suicidal +9755,"I am going to pull away. Act like everything is fine. I am not going to talk to anyone, I am going to be in my own bubble until they stop asking. Then Ill leave them to their lives.they will all forget, quickly. Ill wait until my last commitment is seen through then take the step I am meant for, ending it away from home so my mom will not have to see. she will move on, she will be free of having me as a burden. Everyone else would not bat an eye. I am already close to gone to them.I will die forgotten by all. I cannot see past 25 anyways. Ill be fulfilling my duty to this dump of a planet that will only get worse as time goes on. Me not being here is my gift to all. After all, if I cannot see me getting my simple joys in life, what is to keep me motivated to stick around? Every climb up and only made me fall further into the hole.I want them to keep going without me, to know Ill fade away from memory in an instant. Is that so bad? Is it so bad to want to be forgotten?",Depression +9756,"I do not know what to do. I think I will make it another few months. I have a few goals that I want to reach by the time I am 32 (new place, goal weight and shape, few adventures) I am going to do everything I can to make my goals happen. I going to make it the best year that I can so that on my next birthday my choice will be clear. Maybe this is my last year that I will be here. Maybe this is the start to something amazing. I honestly do not know. I love everyone in my life and I do not want them to be sad, but if things do not work out I cannot stay. it is stupid, but I do not want to grow old alone, I know I joke about being the crazy old guy in the woods but I do not want that. I want a family with the person that I fall in love with. I want a house and a yard so I can watch my kids (whether they are ours or adopted) grow up and hopefully be the father I wish I had when I was little. I want to go on adventures with someone and be able to have those stupid little moments where you know you have each others back 100% or you look in that person's eyes and you know they love you. I feel like my chances are all but gone and I do not want to be here if they are. Whenever I hang out with my friends I feel like the creepy old guy. I feel like I am intruding on the fun that everyone is having and they keep me around because they feel bad. I have become socially awkward, I cannot keep eye contact with people like I used to. I do not want to feel like this anymore. Idk if I am legit autistic or I have some sort of developmental issue in my brain because I have always had friends younger than me and maybe I am stupid or something and my brain is stunted so I cannot relate to people my age. I do not want to live a life where I am the dude always tagging along to friends events or camping trips alone. I feel broken. I know something is wrong with me and I do not know if I can fix it. Idk even how I was able to to trick my ex into being with me but I know why she cheated. It was me. I was not a good husband even though I tried and I do not think I will ever get another chance. I do not want to die alone but I think I might have to and it is better to do it earlier rather than waiting around till I am 35 or 40. it will give people time to forget about me. This is all stupid as fuck. It all comes down to being alone and my brain not being able to handle it. Maybe I am being punished for the horrible shit I have done, whether it is a God, or the universe or something else I really do not know. I just know I will not let myself live alone forever Opened up to a friend tonight. I am not okay and she knows that an is encouraging me to tell another friend so they can both help. I am trying to get better but my brain is telling me I am being manipulative and to just end it anyway. I only have a few friends my own age most are younger by 5 years",Suicidal +9757,"I have been feeling pretty weird and detached. My boyfriend and I just got through a series of arguments, we both apologized to each other but I still have a hard time being close with him because of my own internal issues. it is hard for me to feel close to anyone right now. Stressful events always send me into a dissociated state it just depends how hard. Recently, on top of this, I was physically assaulted by a drunk guy. did not even know it was coming, I think that was the most jarring part about it. He was another resident of the house I am currently living at and pretty much harrassed me passive aggressively from the moment I moved in. My weight has dropped so low because my appetite is gone from stress. I am approaching under a hundred, its very bad but I just cannot make myself eat. I have such an intense sense of dread that it makes me feel like I am going to die soon. Not even suicidal, just that I am at the end of my life if that makes sense. I get weird panic attacks where I am inconsolable one second, and then I pop back pretty much normal the next. Chores overwhelm me much faster, I have to fight myself to stay out of bed and even then I can only accomplish half of what I wanted to do. I feel very isolated and alone.Hopefully this will all pass soon, I am already so tired. Vent dump",Depression +9758,"I used to feel empty inside almost all the time. it is like a void inside which seems like non-fillable but few months back I decided to do something about it. I did not want to feel like crap all the time. So I started on self development.I started small like waking up early instead of sleeping till 10 or 11 am and letting my depression and sadness sink in . Then when It became slightly bearable, I started programming again (I used to be good at it but my depression took the fun out it). I admit this was a hard road since I was out of practice and when I was unable to code. I used to think how I wasted so many years being depressed and thus subconsciously slipping into it again.Again I had to pull myself together.This feels like never ending process since I have been depressed half of my life (I am 23M :p) but atleast I was not that sad anymore.So six months down the line.I am brushing up my maths (important for programming)Working out few times a week.Learning guitar (bought it years back but you know depression)I have still social anxiety and I am social awkward but that is another days problem. Right now I am working on my depression. Filling the void.",Depression +9759,"I am guessing a lot of depressed ppl went through some version of this in quarantine but over the last 2-3 years I basically cut ties with pretty much all my friends. I had several mental breakdowns that made me alienate the closest people (personal and professional) around me, and dropped out of two promising graduate programs as a result. After being hospitalized and put in the psych ward I cannot even buy a gun to end my suffering when no one fucking cares. Anyone I tried to reach out to (first time in over a year) have ghosted me. So I deleted all my photos and contacts permanently... I just do not want to exist anymore. I am alone and I just want the pain to stop.Now living with my mom for over two years now in my late 20s (soon early 30s, although I think I will definitely end my life if I have to suffer that much longer) and the end is not in sight. I am trying really hard but I cannot seem to reach the next step... I got a part-time job that pays well but even that small amount of work terrifies me. I barely manage to make it through the week without impulsively jumping in front of a car or off a balcony. I am afraid that I cannot do anything right anymore. I literally forgot how to talk to people and be a normal non-suicidal person. My therapists recommended that I get an emotional support puppy but now that is just another expense that I have to keep up with. And I basically burned all bridges with anyone who would write me a decent reference letter.People keep telling me that I am going to eventually scrape my way out or that I can start fresh again but I do not want to start fresh again or scrape my way out of this shithole. I am tired of failing, I am just tired. I want it to stop. I depressed myself into too deep of a hole, now I have no way out and want to kill myself even more",Depression +9760,"The Earth is fucked. Climate change is just going to get worse and at this point I cannot do anything about it. The corporations and billionaires are just going to keep exploiting and raping the world of all of its treasures and natural beauties. I do not want to live in a world that is on its death bed. what is the point of going to college right now when I am not going to get a good job anyways. I may as well drop out and get a shit job because that is what Ill end up with no matter what. would not it be better if I just killed myself and rid the world of one less wasteful person? Population is an issue anyways. I do not want to work my entire life, never being able to retire. I fucking hate that I am addicted to my phone because its one of the only things I can occupy myself with without cutting myself to shreds. I became an adult last year and all I wish I could do is either die or go back to the ignorance and bliss of childhood. I want to be a happy idiot instead of a sad one. All that would make me happy is for me to live in the woods away from all people until I starve. I used to want to study film in school, and now that I am, all I want to do is quit. There is no money in making films when you have no talent or skill. I made the deans list after torturing myself this year as a freshman and instead of feeling any accomplishment, I just feel like I have to make it again this year or Ill just quit school all together. It does not even mean much because I am a fucking film student. I am wasting my time with a major that is a scam. The only issue is that there is nothing else in the world that I would study. I am stuck. I am not talented and I do not even know if I enjoy film so now I am just going to be stuck with a major that will not give me and chance of success in life.I am so done with this bullshit world but Id be lying if I were to say that I was going to kill myself. I do not even have the balls for that. I think about it every day but I am not brave enough to do it. I may even join the military and hope that I can die. Everything is fucked",Depression +9761,"I am a 17 year old trans guy and I have got two older sisters and a younger brother. Me and my brother currently live with my mother and she and my father are divorcing due to them both cheating on eachother her first them him. My mother acts like the victim all the time so its always he hurt her and hes fine its all her she is depressed also my grandfather passed away he was my idol it destroyed me when we lost him but all she was interested in was the money and the house yet she constantly uses it as something to make me and my younger brother breakdown and cry for because she is seeking pitty for what she is doing to us when my father left my mother started talking and bringing a large amount of men around sometimes saying we should call them daddy some were dealers some were addicts some were both and whenever we expressed that we were uncomfortable with the situation at hand she became very agitated and would blame us for her so called depression and say things to the effect of regretting our existence she nolonger hits us but she always threatens to over small things like not cleaning the house we live in completly and when we do she then seeks out a different reason or creates a reason to then yell at us she sometimes goes and acts like she is going to get a gun saying we are the reason she is going to kill herself but never does anything with it they belonged to my grandfather she tells my 11 year old brother that hes so disrespectful to the women who almost died giving birth to him and always throws that in his face as if he chose to be birthed out of her she says she cannot tell me anything in fear that ill end my own life yet she tells me everything at one point she had become agitated because for a few days she had been leading me and my brother to our darker days and we would have killed ourselves if we did not care for eachothers lives my brother sadly walked in on me with a blade and i walked in on him with one aswell so e bad been keeping our distance from her and when our father came over to see us ehich he never does anymore my mother threatened him and then when e got inside she took my phone and my brothers phone so we could not get help as soon as she was done yelling at me i went into my bedroom full mental breakdown ended up cutting not deep enough because she threw my phone at me and left but it was already to late and my brother came into my room begging me to not leave him and my mother came into my room screaming at us again i literally was in the process of ending my life then she wanted me to open up to her and talk to her get i could barely breathe because i was crying and everyone who knows ne knows i have a thing with people touching me it takes me to a really dark place especially when I am sad and my mother restrained me and layed on me and i still could not breathe in that time i screamed like a baby for a while after her new man pulled her off of me and left i was stuck screaming and acting like a baby i could not act other way it was like i was looking through a glass at what i was doing i had calmed down thanks to my brother and when i seen the marks she left on my wrists i scratched myself until i could not see them anymore and then went numb both emotionally and physically also so my mother will not let me work because as long as she is buying everything i must do whatever she says or my basic needs are taken away she gets angry when i defend my father saying he was never there for me which he was not i raised myself all they ever did was feed me and keep a roof over my head but my father never treated me to bad like my mother my entire life i was ignored I have been suicidal as long as i can remember and trust me i have credible reasons for being suicidal not that i need justification but i needed it for everyone anyways any time i tried to reach out and get help it always ended badly even my therapist said i should have chosen a more definate way of suicide as soon as i came out to my mother she only calls me by very feminine pronouns such as baby girl, mami, beautiful and so on along with constantly deadnaming me even when corrected and my father only talks to me when he needs something or wants to talk to my brother yet I am the family therapist and nobody can handle the truth that i tend to say because i can nolonger handle the bullshit they put me through i still have to live so that my brothers got a chance but as soon as i can get him out of here I am leaving and likely never coming back fuck this family and she keeps telling me that I am selfish and stupid and that nobody would side with me because what my dad did to her justified it and i should hate him for it so please tell me am i in the wrong or is it them Am I inconsiderate or is my mom toxic and my dad a dead beat I will likely delete this soon so please read this i just need one person to be on my side who is not in the situation with me",Depression +9762,"Whenever I feel anger, sadness, frustration, or any other negative emotion, there was a number of ways for me to escape. Such as going on a walk, biking, hanging out with friends, and such. A personal favorite is just listening to music. However, it seems like recently nothing is helping. As if I have used it so much that I grew tolerance. Like drinking so much coffee that you do not feel energized. I have been feel more stress, dread, and frustration that I cannot even listen to a very good song without thinking about my mistakes and how shitty I am. I cannot stop thinking about how much I hate being myself. These escapes were my way of feeling better, and I could not and still cannot seem to talk to anyone because it feels that it would not help. I would just feel even more shitty by making them feel worried.I just want to be able to listen to music and relax. Losing My Escapes.",Depression +9763,I wish I never dated or anything. I am 28 years old and wasted my whole life on everything :( I hate myself period,Suicidal +9764,I try helping a friend out course he was very depressed .but I tried my best Suicide was never and option,Depression +9765,"Hey guys!We are a new life coaching organization filled with competent coaches, formed purely with the intention of helping people sort their lives, and bring them out of their sorrows, and not with the intention of profit.We will **not charge any money for the counselling sessions. (No upsell, no marketing stunt, we purely just want to help as many people as possible)**So **you are free to contact us for a session**, and if you have any friends or family you feel will benefit from this please do let them know, and ask them to **reach out to us.** &#x200B;What we are: We are life coaches competent in fields of human behavior, philosophy and spirituality, with more than 7 years of experience in coaching people.What we are not: We are not clinical therapists. So if you have been clinically diagnosed with any mental illness, please reach out to your clinical therapist. We wish to help as many people as possible free of charge",Depression +9766,"I recently lost my job, and while waiting for unemployment in my area which is still backed up, lost my car. I managed, due to finally getting my stimulus, to make an over $1200 payment to the bank to get my car back. I was not told until after this that I would then have to pay the place where my car is being held a $25/day fee from the time my car was taken from me. I feel beyond overwhelmed at this point because I am out of funds and my car is just stuck. I have gone through almost every channel I can think of to try and get assistance and I just feel like I am at the end of my rope. I cannot see my daughter without a vehicle, and job options are extremely limited in my area without a car. I wake up with just no will or energy to even go about my day. I end up trying to just sleep most of it away. Getting even simple things from a store is a huge hassle for me now. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am at my wit's end",Depression +9767,"I am just fat & ugly & suicidal. i am a pos.for example, I am 16 & my bf is 23, i know its wrong but i continue to enable the relationship.i am like fat, yeah I am working on it, but how did i get so fat, am i really that lazy of a pos. I am terrible to everyone i know because I am so fucking sad & the sadness just turns to anger. idk what the point of this post is. I am just really tired yknow. i see pictures of myself and i wish i was never born. i wish i could starve myself till i am nothing. I am just a terrible person. I am just worthless",Depression +9768,"do not give that ""please do not, its not good"", screw that, I want to know how do I cut myself, where to cut myself, how do I hide it, and probably I will let my parents see how I feel, they keep dragging me down, guilt tripping me, I do not care what you think of me, or about this post. I. Want. To. Feel. Pain. Physically. I want to feel pain",Depression +9769,"I do not know how to start this but why do we keep on living? We work all day in school until we work for the rest of our life. Friends may stray away and not one person can please you your entire life. We will slowly see love ones go, there is nothing we can do about it so why do we keep going? No matter what you do in life it all ends the same way, you could be rich or poor, loving or cold so it seems like our choices do not matter. I have hardly a personality and little passion for anything so doing anything feels the same burn out cycle. I do not know what to do and need some help. I am scared",Depression +9770,"She was so cold. I cannot leave her alone. I am cooking her dinner. I want my wife to have a good dinner. I have not slept, have not eaten, only drank whiskey. I need her back. Please bring her back I found my wife this morning, I want to follow her",Suicidal +9771,I am just so fucking tired. I want to sleep for thirty billion years. And wake up. And watch the sun explode. And go back to bed. I did not ask to be alive.,Suicidal +9772,"I have tried, and I have improved. Everything from academics to physique. All that got me is the realization that no matter how much I try, Ill never be good enough for anyone. Not my parents, not my former classmates, and not myself. I honestly do not know what to do. do not try",Suicidal +9773,"I suppose I have made an inch of progress since I have last felt the need to post here. My current job has been extraordinarily stressful for a long time. I have known for months, if not over a year, that I need to find somewhere else. Yet despite knowing that, I would get so scared about the thought of applying somewhere else, about having to go through the process of putting in that two weeks notice.So that was my situation. Too scared to hunker down and take care of the things that would make my current job better, yet too scared to push forward.My situation is not much different, but I have that inch of progress I have made in the past few weeks. I finally managed to get myself to apply to some other places. Only two so far, but maybe I can find some more. Or maybe I get lucky and I will hear back from one of these.Just going slow. I do not want to end up at a job that will make me feel the same, or potentially even worse, than I do now.I wish I was not going slow. I fantasize in my head that I will just hear back immediately from one of these jobs I have just applied to and I will be out of here. But these things take time, and as much as I wish it was not like this, I will probably need to apply to more than two places.I suppose I am not actively suicidal, but have been engaging in some reckless behavior. I do not really want to but after not putting in the effort to progress out of here I am tired and feel the need to cope in shitty ways.Just want out of here. Wish I would just quit. I have plenty saved but I just get concerned about having trouble getting a new job if I quit one out of the blue. that is my irrational brain, so concerned about keeping a job I would drive myself to an unintentional suicide, maybe intentional if it gets worse.Guess I got to just fight for that next inch of progress. Apply some more places and get the hell out of here. Change cannot come fast enough",Suicidal +9774,"I have been depressed since 2016, when I entered university. I always had high expectations in my life and thought the next thing would be my break. I have moved to 3 different places since then and am now in doctorates school and thought it would be done. I am constantly drunk, hate my life, and am completely alone. My family does not talk to me, my friends do not talk to me, and my boyfriend does not get me. How do I go on? I am on medication, consistently for 2 months now, and nothing helps. I have no will to keep up with this. When does it end?",Depression +9775,"Six years ago today I divorced my physically and mentally abusive ex-husband. I know I would not be alive if I was still with him. Since then, I have never been happier. I still suffer from major PTSD, depression, and anxiety, but at least I am still alive. I have my hubby to thank for that. If I could tell everyone who is in an abusive relationship one thing, it would be: ""it is never too late to get out of that situation. Seek help. You ARE worth more."" Happy Anndivorsary to me!",Depression +9776,"So yesterday I was so depressed for no goddamn reason, like I was still laughing and all that but my heart still ached as I did. I cannot explain it, I am laughing but I can still feel my depression being vividly present and bold.Today, I overslept. Then something really minor ticked me off, and I have just been progressively become even more and more angry because I am getting irritated at EVERYTHING. I keep trying to tell myself to calm down and to smile but I can feel my eyebrows just stuck at an arch. I am barely halfway through the day and I really want to smack someone in the face so hard. Why am I so angry... Is this what you call a bad day",Depression +9777,"I have no idea how to talk about any of this. I have felt this way my entire life and nothing seems to change it. Its always as if I am on the outside looking in, I never seem to really fit anywhere. I have friends but there is always a barrier to how close we are. I mainly do not feel as if I have anyone to socialize with. there is periods of time where I feel like I am breaking through and I am about to have real friends and then something always happens to change that.Weird thing is, I am not alone, I have been in a relationship for a year and a half but we do separate things. Not that we do nothing together but in terms of socializing with other people we do not. He has his crowd and I have the outskirts of mine. I am not young, on the back end of my thirties and this desolate, alone feeling has never ceased. I live in an incredibly social city and I still cannot seem to find my place. Lately I am just more and more heartbroken over this, I am starting to believe I am just a loner. Therapy has not helped this aspect much. I do not have a clue anymore about any of it. I do not even know if this is depression or just who I am.",Depression +9778,"Six years ago today I devorced my physically and mentally abusive ex-husband. I know I would not be alive if I was still with him. Since then, I have never been happier. I still suffer from major PTSD, depression, and anxiety, but at least I am still alive. I have my hubby to thank for that. If I could tell everyone who is in an abusive relationship one thing, it would be: ""it is never too late to get out of that situation. Seek help. You ARE worth more."" Happy Anndivorsary to me!",Depression +9779,"my 18th birthday is coming up I do not even want to live to see how horrible that day will be not like anybody has anything planned I do not even have any friends. I never wanted to do this, I am just tired of waiting for my pain to end. My life was such a waste never got anything good out of it, never went to a school dance, never got my graduation pictures, never had a birthday party thrown for me, never had a boyfriend that loved me, never had a friend that cared about me, never had a mother that did not abandon me, never seen any good sights, etc I could keep goingTomorrow morning nobody will even know, they will just go about their day. I was looking for reasons not to kill myself today could not find any soooo bye",Depression +9780,I was going to cut my thighs but that is the only part of my body that my boyfriend likesEven when I try to hurt myself I am still a people pleaserI just want to endn myself I do not want to live anymorrr I want to kill myself,Suicidal +9781,"I am sorry I cannot be there in person to help, and I am not sure if I would know how if I could. I just wish I could absorb the pain of others for a while so they could have a break and so you could relax for a while. I am sorry life is unfair and people get dealt very unequal hands. I do not know how to help but I really wish I could. Anyway, I do not know you, but you matter to me. Hey if you are struggling out there, just know I am thinking about you.",Suicidal +9782,"My family loves me so much but I barely even talk to them because I do my own thing. Whenever they ask me to go out I say no because being around them makes me remember that I cannot sustain a relationship with them; and will eventually hurt them with some sort of betrayal. The less connection the less emotional tension, and that is less pressure on me.I know I have completely distanced myself in an unhealthy way but its not like i can just turn into some super social person overnight. I am stuck. Am I selfish?",Depression +9783,I need to die. I am a walking nuclear weapon slowing killing everyone around me. I wish I could be put down like sick pets Even though I deserve a painful death. Tonight I am going to drink as much as possible and shove this knife in my arm until I drain this fucking vessel. I ruined everything that is good,Suicidal +9784,"I used to be strong never needed anybody, always enough for myself. Then I met him he showed me what I have always been craving for he checked all my tick boxes. We moved in together while I was going thru a tough time at work. The very first night of us moving in. I found out he had been cheating all along, with multiple women. Its been 2.5 months since that night and I have begged and begged for him to mend his ways to let me help fix him to just not leave me even if it meant him seeing other people. crying day in day out. Cutting myself trying to end this suffering. Now we live in the same house not talking.. avoiding each other. While he goes out every weekend, moving on. And I battle with thoughts of suicide and this empty hell of a life. I do not know how else to get out of this. I do not know what to do",Depression +9785,"I miss my Danish friend. We met on reddit, he saw my post at r/selfie and came to talk to me. His name was Michael, he said he worked in Germany. He was a pansexual and had some lovers. He wanted me to be his lover.We were similar in personality and hit it off, he could fully understand me, even my slight sadness. I have never met such a person in real life before. We got along very well and talked about everything. I trusted him, he liked me. He was like another soul of mine. He also said that I reminded him of his past self. He was always gentle and considerate, just like a band-aid, covering my pain.However, from the beginning to the end, we only knew each other for about half a month. My days are numbered, so I said goodbye to him ten days ago. He did not respond to my message. But I am not disappointed, because this is his behavior style.Strangely, since then, I have never dared to review our chat records. As if suddenly, they became deserted ruins, overgrown with weeds, which seemed to be unreal.I cannot even think about how happy we used to be, and occasionally I shudder at the thought. Those memories have sunk into the darkness, and Michael seems to have completely disappeared.Yesterday, I went to talk to him again. I know, no one will respond to me. But, I am dying, I just want to find a place to talk to myself. However, when I wrote the first message, I suddenly collapsed. I felt like I have returned to an abandoned home, with old furniture still in place, but people were gone.I sat on the empty bed, trembling, waiting for his appearance. I felt like I was writing to a ghost. I expected him to hug me, kiss me, comfort me, and stretch out a pale hand and touch me in the dark.How unreal online relationships are. Are all the stories of your lovers true? Does your voice, my name written on your hand really belong to a man named Michael? Why are you so hesitant when I want a picture of you without a beard?I am weak and have a headache. it is raining outside. Today, I am going to commit suicide. Although I put it off, the script has already been written, and I cannot escape it.I am tired. Michael, hug me. I miss my Danish friend",Suicidal +9786,"Hello, I am a 17yr old bisexual male in india. The last few months I was feeling really sick but did not have any symptoms, so my friend asked me to take a couple of psych tests and they all came back saying I am moderately depressed or severely depressed. I have been feeling suicidal for about 3years now, ever since I faced bullying in my old school and was hospitalized for liver failure because I tried to kill my self with pills. This was 3 years ago. Every thing since then has felt extra. I lately have not been able to do anything about it because of my studies. I cannot seek help because if i tell my parents they will simply discard it saying it is an excuse not to study (they are wired that way) and I do not have enough money on my own to seek help indipendently. I am clueless as to what I am supposed to do Advice pls",Depression +9787,"I am being (kind of) ghosted by 3 friends. I try to apologize for being bad at communicating, but my apology might be too late? I worry about my day job every day. Did I make my bosses mad? That fear seems to never go away. I write when I get the time. I am still getting depressed, but the depression seems to be moving slower than before. I am in a weird situation. I just needed to vent. (Venting) feeling weird",Depression +9788,"I am going to be 37, I have two dogs and a cat that I love. My mom loves me and I have a couple friends who I see maybe every two months. I have been on bupropion and Buspar for about 3 months, but I am still just. So lonely and feel like my brain is just so hardwired now to despair, I really cannot imagine feeling actual joy. I stay in bed all weekend aside from caring for my pets and hardly care for myself. I got out of a relationship about two years ago that really depleted what little confidence I had. Going further back, my parents divorced when I was 14/15, and my sister passed when I was 16. I flunked out of college, had a solid hospitality career and now have a solid HR career where I make decent money to take care of myself. I used to be one of those people others said was beautiful, but I have gained 110 lbs since high school (I am 60 but that is still a lot) and I just feel disgusting but cannot get the weight off. I have had fewer suicidal thoughts since I have started taking meds but tonight I feel awful and like the world could definitely do without me, Id hardly be missed. I do not think I have the mental capacity to ever feel different. I think this is it, just some below average gross person now, and I hate myself. I am going to tell my family I will not be going to a wedding at the end of august because I do not want anyone to see how ugly I have gotten, and how little I have accomplished, and that I have nobody who cares for me. I just cannot face them. New here",Depression +9789,If everyone could treat each other like actual living souls and not use other people as a way to get something they want if people cared more about someone is progress and who they are today and not gaslight them from who they were this whole worlds system would fall apart and we could all have a new society not a perfect one but one where we take peoples emotions seriously and get to know peoples hearts sorry for horrible grammar but I need to rant Life does not have to be like this,Depression +9790,"Seeking resources? Located in RI. I have no familial support. Admitted myself into butler one week ago. Offered to get me a spot into a shelter. I need money to get food, a car to live out of so I can get to work that I may not even have if I cannot get there Wednesday, and sleep out of? I am so tired. My situation is quite literally fucked, I am ruined. My goal has been to strive for the psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner occupation, and I just feel so defeated. I actually do not think Ill make it because I cannot come up with solutions anymore. Who am I fucking kidding really, I know I will not. I do not know how ill eat tomorrow. I am not looking for sympathy any advice is beyond appreciated 20f, homeless, what the hell do I do",Suicidal +9791,"A few weeks ago Vladimir Putin said this to a reporter when asked if there was an increase in trust and happiness between him and Biden, and I cannot stop thinking about it.I do not think I have ever been happy, and the illusion of it even being possible has disappeared already for me.I was abused and neglected as a child and teenager, and had to raise myself, alone, from 16 on. I regret my suicide attempts that left me hospitalized then were not successful, as slightly more than a decade later I am just as miserable, but have no optimism like I did then.All I have wanted out of this miserable life has been to be loved, and after a lifetime I thought I found it. I learned another language, saved several thousand dollars, gave up all my worldly possessions, my pets, and moved to the other side of the planet to be with my spouse, who decided they did not love me, but only loves me like a friend. Now I sleep alone in a bed for two, in a life devoid of happiness and meaning, all before the age of 30. I have no home to return to in the country from which I came (I was just born there/grew up there, I feel no attachment to it anyways or desire to return) and I will always be a foreigner where I now reside, struggling to make ends meet in a developing country.I have managed to save several dozen different benzodiazepines to mix and take with a bottle of spirits once I finally reach my breaking point which I feel is soon. If I could tell a younger version of myself anything it would be that life does not get better, and to just give up already. Honestly this is my advice for anyone else who is nave enough to think there is a future worth looking forward to too I suppose. ""In life, there is no happiness, only the illusion of it.""",Suicidal +9792,"I understand that I am worthy of love and respect but sometimes I feel like those things are outside of my reach. I used to have friends but as I have gotten older it is harder to make and keep connections. Men always treat me like shit so clearly something is off with me. My heart is so broken that I have given up on trusting people to be there for me at all. I have some natural talents, things to be grateful for but I am starting to feel that the only thing to care about is money and pets. I cried all night because my social and emotional support are nonexistent & I am ready to give up on having these things.",Depression +9793,"I seriously do not know what I am supposed to do. I post EVERYWHERE. Freaking everywhere I can think of and I am met with silence. I ask for help it does not matter where and I get nothing. I try night after night and I get nothing. Every place I know where to go to for support. I got to friends just asking for friends to talk and all I hear is ""I want to talk."" Nothing fucking more!!I press and and I hear ""I am trying!!"" NO. &#x200B;I am so alone I do not know how I can continue and it does not matter what I do. What I try I am not not. Not for a single second!! I beg for people and they leave. Never matters what happens it is the same. Screaming into a Void",Suicidal +9794,I know it would devastate them if I kms but I have been living in chronic pain with no answers from doctors for seven months and its just getting worse. I have no options. I want out. I am only staying alive for them. Feels like I am only staying alive for my mom and my brother.,Suicidal +9795,"My parents have hurt me physically in the past and i am way too scared to tell them that I am trans. I do not want to keep living like this, I do not know what to do I just want to stop pretending I am a man. I have thought about suicide every day for years now and I am starting to think I should. I am a trans girl but too scared to do anything",Suicidal +9796,"Its like I am working full-time to keep myself busy, use my coping skills, and in general just try not to slip into a severe depression. I just want to enjoy the rest of my vacation. I do not want being happy to feel like a chore. I am tired of trying all the time when laying in my bed while time slips away sounds easier. I know its not actually easier and there is a hole that you get in when that happens, but the thought of working towards my goals and doing good things for myself seems so hard right now. I just feel numb",Depression +9797,"I (M20) had to end things with my girlfriend (F20) of 1 year. She had to move to another state for reasons beyond her control, and I am definitely not in a place in my life right now where I could drop everything and move with her, even though I would in a heart beat.This happened in January earlier this year, now it is almost August and I feel no different than I did the night she left. I actually feel worse. I loved her so much, and she loved me the same. If we had broken up in some big fight or something, it would have been way easier to move on, because then at least I would have something to be angry at her for, something I could remember to remind myself that it was bad. But it was not bad at all. Every day with her was amazing. The last night I saw her, we even said ""I love you"" to each other. We truly loved each other, we did not want it to end. I still text with her pretty often. I know it would be better to stop so I can move on, but I just cannot. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. If I stopped talking to her all together, I would really feel like I would lose her forever, the one person who made me the happiest I have ever been in my life. And I just cannot. I cannot stop thinking about her, and it is only gotten worse over time. Nothing distracts me anymore, movies, video games, exercise, nothing works. I can only think of her. I have done nothing but lay in bed staring for the last 3 weeks. I can hardly even fall asleep, and when I do it is only for a few hours before I wake up again filled with anxiety and panic. My brain cannot help but picture her with other guys, and even though I know she is not that kind of girl, it still kills me. I cannot handle knowing if another man gets to be with her, it would finally kill me.The worst part is, I think she is moved on. she is going on and living her life, and I am a miserable piece of shit who cannot get out of bed. I used to think it was just as hard for her, now I am not so sure. I could not help but tell her how I feel, it was eating me alive. She said that she still cares about me and that she does still love me, but she said I should try to move on. I asked her if she moved back if she would go out with me again, and she said maybe. But since she is not moving back, and she has her own life somewhere else now, it really cannot happen, at least for a few more years until either of us could move ourselves. But even then, I do not think she would wait.I kind of rambled on here, but basically I do not know how to move on. I am still insanely in love with her. Even though I KNOW it cannot happen, and I keep telling myself that, but it does not matter. I need her. I do not just need anyone, I had a few solid chances to get new girlfriends since she left. I turned all of them down because I could not stop thinking about her. This is just killing me slowly and painfully. I seriously do not know how I can go on without her.TL;DR - I still love my ex so badly it is killing me. I cannot move on no matter what I do. I cannot move on from my ex and it is killing me inside",Suicidal +9798,"I basically was on my own in school from 6th til graduation and I barely scraped by. I graduated on time by making up a bs half a credit and rather than any form of congratulations it was all surprise that I even made it. I did not work for a full year because my social anxiety was so severe after the years of isolation. I finally got a job that pays absolute shit but it is a job and I am slowly becoming comfortable. That was not enough, I need a ""real job"". My job is all manual labor and very real I just accepted shit pay bc I am terrified to speak up for myself. If I were to go to college I would be a burden to them and if I do not I am a waste of potential. Absolutely nothing I do matters to them. I have also missed out on so many experiences and only have myself to blame, no school dances, I could not even mamage to attend a fucking zoom graduation ceremony, did not have a graduation party bc of the panorama. I lost my mom when I was young and having her miss all these ""milestones"" is just salt in the wound. I am trying my best buy my mental health is absolute rock bottom. I am so tired. there is so many other things going on with various family members and I am hanging on by a thread here... Nothing I do is ever enough and I have missed out on so much.",Suicidal +9799,"I was talking to this really nice guy. We had similar interests, we were attracted to each other, & we even planned on dating. Then out of the blue, he ghosts me. Blocked on everything.Things like this gives me suicidal ideation. I do not know how to feel. Currently feel like crying, but I also feel numb simultaneously. How do you guys cope with being ghosted? How to cope with getting ghosted?",Depression +9800,I cannot make money with any of my talents I am done working hard for nothing why did God gave me useless talent,Depression +9801,"In that case, I am sick and fucking tired of being strong. I would rather not born in this crappy earth than to be strong and keep going. that is just my honest opinion. I am sorry You are strong!",Suicidal +9802,"This is this first time I have ever made a post here on reddit, so I apologize in advance for this not being very well written. I have had clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder since I was 13 years old, I am now 18. This summer I have reached an ATL, or an all time low. I was hospitalized in January of this year and did not think my situation could get worse from there. I was wrong. I have driven away all of my friends with my erratic behavior and selfish choices, including my best friend from high school who I considered to be a platonic soul mate. I miss them and think about them every day, but they want nothing to do with me. I have never felt more alone than I have this summer. Luckily, my boyfriend of 2 years has stuck around, but today I found out that I am pregnant with his child. I am going to college in the fall and I am not ready to be a parent. The only logical option I have is to get an abortion, I have scheduled one for the end of this week. I am terrified about paying for it, I am a dependent on my parent's insurance, but they are catholic and cannot know about what is going on. I already feel an immense amount of guilt about screwing up and getting pregnant in the first place, I do not need or want my parents to think of me as a murderer on top of that. I feel incredibly hopeless and guilty and like the world's biggest fuck up. I am scared and I feel like no one around me can help. All time low somehow just got lower",Depression +9803,"I have been depressed for close to 8 years now and I am only 20. Only recently (3/4 months I think at this point) I got help. I have been to countless therapists/councillors and have been on medication for 3 months. My doctor does not seem to give two shits what medication I take as long as I do not call back. Anyone I talk to just stops after a week. Everyone leaves me. what is the point. Why not suicide at this point? I have been thinking it for years, and I have 3 failed attempts. Life does not get better, its all just work until you die. Just kill me. Why is it this way?",Suicidal +9804,when you are fucking done with life and going to buy some more liquor in 6 in morning !!normal people be alike tittle,Depression +9805,"I just literally hate me. I hate myself physically. Too short, skinny, not attractive. In my late 20s and still a virgin. I am completely socially inept and have horrible anxiety. But I do have some friends, family, hobbies and a decent job. Most aspects of my life are fine, I just fucking hate that it is me living it. I wish I was not such a piece of shit do not hate my life but wish I could live it as someone else",Suicidal +9806,"I have a condition that causes motion sickness and sometimes severe spinning anytime there is too much movement. I tried all sorts of medications, physical therapy, etc but it barely helps. I have spent nearly $60k in medical costs and I just cannot bear the thought of another appointment. Every venture out of my home feels like an enormous struggle and makes me sick. Even normal household tasks make me sick. So I am stuck here always in the same spot. it is wearing at my sanity. I tried therapy, antidepressants, but it only made my issues worse. People get depressed seeing me like this and I kind of get pushed out of their lives to spare ruining their day with my reality. I am about to lose my work from home job and may end up out in the elements like this which terrifies me. Doctors do not really seem to care much either. it is not really terminal and there is little they can do so again I get pushed away. I know no one can help me, I am just rambling. I just do not know if I will ever reach a point in life where I feel safe and comfortable. I wish I believed in an afterlife. This all really seems pointless and stupid. I rarely leave my home, even my room.. because of a disability that steals enjoyment out of fun.",Depression +9807,Would like to get back into cutting. cannot take the emotional pain anymore. Any advice how to get started? Cutting advice,Suicidal +9808,"ok so this is my first time posting or whatever so please be nice, anyways I feel like I do not belong here and its too much for me and I wish I was happy like I used too. I live with an older person who is not doing so well and I have so much pressure on me to make sure they are fine and everyday its something it makes my anxiety so bad then going to college and figuring that out I do not understand how everyone makes it look so easy I try to make myself feel better by thinking everything happens for a reason and maybe that is why I am here but now I am at the point where I do not care everyday I am anxious and my family situation is toxic and I do not know I am tired of being tired I do not even want to do anything anymore and I cannot burden the people I love with my problems I have an amazing boyfriend but he does not deserve to have to deal with me anymore. maybe this is too much for me.",Suicidal +9809,I keep making mistakes. I keep making people miserable. I keep trying to improve but I always end up doing the wrong thing. I have been crying for three hours straight now and constantly thinking about my suicide attempt from 2019. It did not matter how many Xanax I took right now I still cannot sleep and I have to stay aware of how horrible a person I am and how better Id be if I was dead. I cannot self harm because I promised my family I would not. I am stuck. I just do not want to be here I do not know what I want. But I know I deserve death.,Suicidal +9810,I hate myself and do not understand why I should have lived. Everyone is writing about their abusive parent/s and I think they are so strong. They are depressed and suicidal but they are good and can have good lives with love and meaning. my parents are a generation older and fragile people who were kind and caring and naive. My mother died because of me 3 years ago. I was an abusive disordered nightmarish kid and adult . Hurt anyone who ever loved me. Lived in a fantasy world where I thought whatever made me feel ok. Was and am just no good I have no idea why I should have been born I hate myself,Depression +9811,"This has been the worst year of my life and it feels like it just keeps getting harder. I have never felt so alone. I have never felt so hopeess. Most days it is a struggle to get up and feed myself. It really is just one thing after the other, and they are not little things. My husband cheated. he is been lying to me about our finances for years. We lost our home, we are separated, I have not seen him or my dogs in months. My cat died while I was away and I never got to say goodbye. Now my mom's kidneys are shutting down and I cannot get to see her and my husband is not even there for me emotionally. And pathetically I still love him and just want to be able to lean on him right now but I fucking cannot. I am so fucking tired. I keep praying for a break and it just does not come. I honestly just want to give up but I cannot bring myself too so I just wish I would die in my sleep. I am so tired. I feel like I am drowning",Depression +9812,I do not recall ever choosing to exist in the first place so I genuinely do not understand why I should be forced to stick around. Why is suicide wrong again??,Suicidal +9813,"how do you all, seeking here, not sure what for... (27yoM)I have been having difficulties with my mental health for some time now, but I feel it is reaching new depths - I am now more happy to spend multiple days in bed, comfortable and bored, than out of bed; attempting to progress, in any sense. I suppose it is far more comfortable to be low than it is to be perpetually anxious.I feel like I have read so much of the self-help literature out there, so it is obvious to me what must be done to pull myself out of this slump, ie; take responsibility and be accountable for yourself and your movements; recognise that suffering is a part of life and can be a useful tool; be aware of the things you are feeding yourself, both physically and spiritually; maybe create some sort of goals in a written format that you can regularly go over to keep you motivated and help you manifest; learn to love exercise, stretching and breathing; possibly explore some creative endeavours; be kind to yourself etc. (the list goes on). Over the past 6 years, I have sporadically tried to form healthy habits based off of the latter values and techniques, thus attempting to take responsibility for my own happiness, however, with each consequential failure, the more hopeless I am becoming - it has gotten to the point where I am doing the bare minimum, just to pay for rent, leaving me financially exhausted with little room and/or energy for healthy activity.I have also sought help for GP's and got in touch with a couple of psychologists - GP's have given me medicinal options, which have either proven to be unsuccessful for me in the past, or risk the danger of becoming heavily addicted, for example, to benzo's (I have a very addictive personality and have had ongoing issues with substance abuse, namely alcohol and marijuana). I have found therapy, so far, firstly to be difficult to attain, and secondly more homeworky (mood journals, document sharing, technique applications etc.) than is useful for me - this is my own fault for not properly following their advice, but it just has not been resonating with me.I feel like I have a lot to offer, but am having difficulties finding where I may apply myself. I do not care for money, to the point where it is reckless, but I would like to find a vocation where I am fulfilled. Because I have no certifications or qualifications, the roles that I am able to work are generally hospitality based, physical labour, or just general shit kicking - this does not cut it for me, and I find the little work I am performing, I am performing utterly miserably, spending most of the time in my head, cursing myself. I cannot sustain a lifestyle like this - I am in desperate need of money, but more desperate need of fulfilment. I am so lazy, but I am exhausted. I suppose I am looking for any thoughts out there, even may they be alternative and outside of the box. I am aware that this is not an isolated issue, so I suppose it is important for me to find insight in community.Be this a very broad explanation, it is the best I can surmise of my emotional state, for now. Whether my problems lays in being unable to accept my mediocrity, pure laziness or something deeper.. I am asking for your insight please, oh kind people of reddit. Alternative options?",Depression +9814,"You know that emotional Will Smith movie about the guy who struggles through homelessness with his son and all he finally finds comfort when he is offered a job at a company that uses dozens of interns to make them money with no pay. I find many people getting the wrong idea from this movie, like you have to struggle like this and accept the injustice casted on you by greedy bosses because then you might be the one lucky guy who will get a mediocre job and live a mediocre life. And apparently to them that is a good thing. I know that should not be the lesson we learn from this movie but I cannot put it into words so could someone help me out? let us have a discussion about ""The pursuit of happiness"" movie.",Depression +9815,I am a 28 year only married female just looking for a female friend near by to talk to maybe get coffee with when things get hard life has been a struggle lately Just want to talk (Roseville ca area),Suicidal +9816,"I feel like a lifeless body moving around. This summer, I tried everything I could do to be productive. On the bright side, I have established good habits that were not there before. But at the same time, I get frustrated when I lose the streak of tasks and forget to follow through with these good habits. Even though some would say that I have 'grown' as a person, I still feel like nothing has changed and that I am worthless until I am able to actually stick to something. I do not even have the motivation to fully explain my emotions because all the energy is sucked out of me. Lately, I realized how narcissistic I am for craving validation when I know it is not the best driving force. 2021 is possibly my worst year yet because it feels like there is no reward for all that I have done. Was all this pain worth it or am I just running in circles? In need of a virtual hug right now",Suicidal +9817,Crying crying crying Crying and more crying Crying,Suicidal +9818,"I am not happy but I am not sad, I am kind of just living. Its been this way for probably the last 3 years but recently I have had a little bit too much time to think. My family is toxic and just full of negativity, I have always know my life was kind of shitty but i used to think it will be better when i distance myself from toxic people but with this more time to think about life do to the pandemic I have realized that may not be true.My mom and dad split before i was born.My mom is a selfish person who did not really care about me or my brother, so she shipped us off to our grandmas house, My dad, well hes a drug addicted who also live with my grandma (his mom) My grandma while she tries her best but she is simply not a good parent. she keeps clothes on our back and a roof over our head but when it comes to raising a child she not the great, long story short I have never had anyone to really raise me, teach me life skills, and discipline. so i feel like i was kind of fucked from the start.Not to mention that my social skills are absolute dog shit. I am too awkward to get into a relationship, and i do not really have friends only a couple acquaintances that i send memes to sometimes. I also have no skills whatsoever that could carry me to a good life. i have no motivation or dreams, so I am basically just wasting space. I simply cannot imagine a future were I am happy, so I am going to quit wasting time and just end it now. I am planning on injecting myself with 500 units of insulin this friday. My last week on earth",Suicidal +9819,"I am not even sad at the idea of dying, I am excited. Every second for me is painful to sit through but there are still some things I want to try in life. I have been sleeping most of the day and waking up at night, and once I wake up after a long sleep I cannot go back to sleep for like 6 hours. Everything that entertains me somehow, only last for a little bit of time and I am so tired of having a consciouness. Time seems so slow, last week seems like it was ages ago and I am inpatient. I set myself to die when I am about 40 because I do not want to live too long. For the first time in a couple of years I have an actual friend but I fear she might stop talking to me, because I talk about the same shit over and over again and use her as a therapist but I just cannot help myself, nothing exciting ever happens in my life. I really wish I was dead",Depression +9820,"I need supportive people in order to recover, but my trauma takes everyone away. Those who have stuck with me have become so used to my crying and panics, that there is nothing they can do or say any more. They tell me to keep trying, that it will get better, that I can do this -- but I cannot do it on my own. I need people to talk to me and comfort me, but everyone backs away when my pain is at its worst. I know it must get exhausting to reassure me when things fall apart, but then please quit telling me to keep trying. Please quit telling me I can do it. I am in so much pain, I do not want to keep doing this. I do not want to keep trying. I do not want to stay here for longer. Sometimes I am hurting so much, it causes people to ignore me or leave for good. I cannot handle any more abandonment or rejection. I am alone right now, my pain is extreme, and I am alone. I have no one here. I am alone. I am going to die by myself.I have had professional help, and it feels like those experiences have only set me further back. So then, I do not know who I can trust any more or what I can do to get better. I have tried so much but my health only gets worse. I will be trapped in these memories forever. Just let me go. I cannot take this any longer. I cannot handle how isolating my trauma is",Suicidal +9821,"All my life girls have never really paid much attention to me and its getting much worse as I get older. I am 22 years old and I have never been involved with a girl, I am starting to go out more frequently now and all I have been noticing is girls love off my friends. They never seem to give a fuck about me instead they just push me to the side like I do not exist. I tried everything , working out, changing hairstyles, wearing better clothes but nothing seems to be getting there attention. I have had depression my whole life for multiple different reasons but this one seems to get to me the most, I been thinking about ending it a lot lately. I need some advise on how to cope or what else I should do, because I do not know what else to do at this point. My friends get all the attention from girls and it kills me inside everytime",Depression +9822,"Am I the only that cannot imagine getting old? Like I cannot imagine myself past my 30s really. I just cannot see it, I do not think Ill be here to see it. Idk weird feeling Growing Old",Depression +9823,"The way I see it, I do not owe anyone anything. I did not ask to be born. If given the choice, I would have said no to being conceived. Why do I have to hold my own in a life I did not choose to live? Why cannot I just go back to not existing? Anything is better than this I did not choose to be born. Why are there so many expectations that I have to meet?",Depression +9824,I do not even feel real i do not want help i want out i cba anymore. My feelings contradict each other I am a nihilist and I believe nothing matters yet I am also an antinatalist and i have anxiety? Makes no sense i do not make sense i do not fit in anywhere if I am not dead i just want to be alone forever yet humans need social interaction or they will be miserable i hate this. I have no personality no social skills my friends want to hang out with me but i just ignore them I am so shit i hate being alive its pointless and embarrassing someone just put me down already idek what i am,Depression +9825,I really want to die Kill me,Suicidal +9826,"I am sick of being like this, but I cannot find a way out, I went to a driving range with two of my best friends that I have known since kindergarten (we all recently graduated high school) and that was fun, we went back to one of my friends house and ordered some food, things were going pretty well, just hanging out, drinking, talking about girls, typical guy stuff, as it got later things started to get quieter and quieter honestly this might have just been my anxiety talking something just felt off, what was frankly a great day left me feeling empty and sad, I do not know what is changed, I really want things to be better, I want that feeling of joy to last, but it never does, by the time I am going to bed every night I am contemplating life and why I am still going, nobody knows how bad it really is, I just wish it would last, I wish the happiness would last I am trying so hard to be happy",Suicidal +9827,"Recently I (15M) have been getting little-to-no sleep and it is because one minute I am happy, the next I am thinking about random things then I just become sad.I always think about this one girl (who I have liked for YEARS) who I have not talked to yet and I am probably never going to because I do not want to be a screenshot in the group chat - I just want to tell her how I feel but it will just feel wrong because we do not talk - but she is exactly my type, we do similar GCSE's ( we both do art ) and I just cannot stop having feelings about her and I am in pain because of it. I am also highly self-conscious as I am big, fat and ugly, therefore hate myself however I have recently been trying to work out with little success.At school I act fine, and make friends laugh yet I am in pain, I need to talk to someone and I have been giving hints to one of my friends yet I am not sure he quite gets what I am hinting at. it is just good because school takes my mind off of some things but it also creates more stress through homework and exams.I also think about how I barely see my dad and when I do I just here spiteful comments yet I got to love him, he is my dad after all. This really takes a toll on me because I wish I could have a stronger connection with my dad and makes me think about how lucky some people are for having their parents together.I always think about ending it all but then that thought gets me emotional because I do not want my sister or mum to go through the pain of me being gone because I love them both with all my heart. I am only 15 and I do not want to be alive, but I do not want to be dead either. I wish I grew up in another generation, my generation is fucked and all this technology messes with us. Why cannot I go to my dad's times that he always talks about - playing out all day with friends, having fun.I hate my life but I do not hate living. Sleepless nights",Depression +9828,"do not know what to say, or where to begin. I am dead inside. Just a pathetic carcass walking around. Lost, unloved, and begging myself to have the guts to start to carry out my plan. I am in so much pain, I do not want to die but I cannot stand living. I do not want things to get harder. I wish I did not exist. Its ended me with nothing but pain, grief, and so much more. Its hopeless",Suicidal +9829,The past two years so much shit has happened I cannot even wrap my head around it. Mostly dealing with betrayal. I just feel so numb lately and emotionally drained like I have done spent all of it and have no emotion left. I just feel empty. Anyone else dealing with this? Emotionally dead,Depression +9830,Ladies please watch out for the account Supremazia_Italica he is going around offering money because he claims his kink is helping girls in need This is the opposite of what we need in the suicide watch subredditvery sick and twisted. Did piss me off enough to shake the suicidal thoughts though kind of like the suicide hotline does when they leave you on hold so long that you just get pissed and then start laughing at the irony. Someone using money to coerce me into sexting because i posted here,Suicidal +9831,"My life used to be ok. Friends, university, life was good. It about ended there after I was diagnosed with mental illness, dropped out and proceeded to waste 7 years until now.I never felt the same, people never used to look at me the same.I recently had a child with a woman who I honestly do not have the emotional energy for.Mom died who was like my best friend.I have been contemplating suicide for the past few years every single day. Through all the years the only thing that kept me going was belief in my capabilities, but now I honestly do not feel like I want to live anymore. I have lost the drive that once resided in myself. I have given up on my fantasy of success. There is nothing that I want in this world anymore. I am pretty certain that nothing will ever make me happy again, no matter how big or small. I think I have been completely hollowed out.Perhaps a last ditch effort can be made by running away, living on the street and turning back to substances. Perhaps it shall invigorate something inside of me again, but I honestly cannot see the point of trying. I do not see the point of having to live anymore.Even though I picture killing myself all day, I cannot put those around me though that. I have just been living with this hole inside of me, getting emptier as each year passes.I feel terrible every single day that I have to subject those around me to my sadness. it is hard because I know they try and are there for me trying to pull me out, I just cannot see any possibility of it happening anymore.I am sorry Empty",Suicidal +9832,"I had suicidal tendency for the last 7 days for a full 24 hours, just wide awake. As a protective measure for myself, I went to a friend for company and some dumb chat so I can distract myself. And it later become obvious to me that this friend did not pick up the hint that I am fucked up, the one topic she wants to talk about is ***trauma*** and in her opinion: you do not need trust to share you story, trust is stupid, I am curious and I want to know, what is wrong with just sharing it. To her credit, she is a genuinely curious person, but that is not how it works. To be a good ally requires that you are being sensitive in handling the conversation. My trauma or whose ever is not a story to feed her curiosity. I have enough problems to worry about, and now I have a shitty circle of friends problem. Great addition to my mental well-being cliff dive. P.S. I am good now, no worries. Insensitive Friend",Depression +9833,"I am in distress. I need someone that can just listen to me for a bit because I do not have anyone I can talk to right now. I am not suicidal, I am just in a bit of a crisis. Someone please just help me. I need a listening ear",Depression +9834,"I will make it short, it is late for me.I absolutely love school and other activities, I am (kind of) the ""popular kid"" in school, teachers love me since 1st grade, I have never been in a fight and always get good notes, I am smart, talk a lot and even offered myself as a teacher.And now, what is the problem? Well, I will try to make it even shorter.I am the only son of my family, I have no brothers... well, I have got two siblings, but they almost never come close to us unless they need money for spending in some shit instead of studying, so that leaves me as the only one in the house, and, to be honest, I always fantasize about having a sister that comprehends me and that loves me (as a brother, fcking obviously), that would care about my problems, that would help me in my life and that would talk to me, but the only thing I have is a dog that is too old to go for a walk.To add information to what is above, I always wanted a real friend, someone who is there for me, for talking or hanging out, someone who likes the same things as me and does not ignore me, like many friends I have, when I want to talk, all they do is ghost me...To finish this thingy, I recently fell in love with someone, a very cute girl, shy, likes almost the same things as me, she is perfect for me, I evem walked with her to her home once, and she liked it, I am planning to talk privately with her to compliment her, and try to demostrate that I want her to be 'more than a friend', But I am afraid, afraid of scaring her, afraid of being alone with no love...The reason why I am posting this here is because no one'd listen, no friends of mine would keep a conversation about this without ghosting me, this is my only place to open up to some people. Feel free to trash me in the replies if I did or said something stupid. Goodbye. Even if I am surrounded with people, I feel absolutely lonely.",Depression +9835,"Sorry if the post is not in order/detailed I am tired and I just keep revising what I write in the post the more I think the harder it is to get out I am mainly just putting out what comes to mind at the momentI've felt been way for around 7 years now but I have never really had the motivation to make a post about it I am unsure of what to do.So I experience anhedonia daily I just mostly feel numb without being sad unless I start thinking about my appearance and other things in my life. I can a hard time remembering things/learning and being motivated to get certain stuff done. Also I have an anxious tic that makes me jerk my neck when I am around people for more than a minute. I feel somewhat apathetic when it comes to dealing with other people emotional connections are and are not really there but I still feel very lonely sometimes and its hard to talk to other people. I have tried catting to people on reddit and apps but I just end always up getting ghosted so I have pretty much given up on doing that since its just going to go down to the same dead end road.I find it hard to return calls to cousins who just want to talk or check up on me.I just sit in my room 24/7 playing video games all day,watch videos, etc to just pass the time so I can go to sleep. I only leave my house to drop off packages after people buy cards from me on ebay. I have tried going on walks, picking up new hobbies, playing with the family puppy,etc nothing has really made me feel happy just make the day end faster.My mom keeps asking me when I am going to get a girlfriend and that she wants grandkids she says it occasionally it feels kind of insulting to me. She tells me that I am handsome,etc when I am a fat dude and a below average face with mental issues.I want to get multiple cosmetic surgerys which I am saving up for with the cards that I am selling and with a job I can possibly get if my interview goes well. Getting that done would definitly boost my mental health espeically when it comes to meeting people irl.I have not talked to my mom about it but I am sure she would not be ok with the idea of someone cutting my face open and moving things forward/placing things.I have been trying to lose weight for the past year but I have gained it all back due to a recent event which makes me just want to shut in even moreLate at night on March 30th I tried with my rifle by shooting myself in the heart but I ended up jerking the rifle to the left and accidentally hitting my sister in the hand through the wall I did not plan anything out did it out of compuslion because of my thoughtsSince that event I have gained around 60-70lbs pretty much most of the weight that I have lost over the year, became more suicidal after I read the report in court they are trying to charge me with attempted murder and accused me of doing it in the hallway, For whatever reason they were blind enough not to see the hole in the wall and they are sending down an investigator to come and take a look at it which is making me feel a little better but still like shit I have never had trouble with the law,etc and my life is possibly being thrown straight down the toilet I saw a therapist through zoom for around a month and talked to him about my problems I no longer see him because he cancelled it after I did not talk about deep issues with him on the last week, I am assuming that is why but he never told me thoughI do not think this is going to get any better for me without taking something to keep me going longer.Is it possible for me to get medications without seeing a doctor in person? I brought this up to my mom one time she cried and we never talked about it again and I do not think she wants me medicatedAgain I apologize if what i wrote is not in order or detailed, or does not make sense just want to get this out while I have some motivation to do it and I am tired. Thanks for reading How depressed am I and is it possible to get meds without a doctor (wall of text)",Depression +9836,Been on zoloft for a few days and doctor has added 25mg of endep ontop My anxiety is killing me think these two will interact and make me worse. Been very anxious for days and just want to make sure I am not at much of a risk Zoloft (50mg) and amitriptyline (25mg),Depression +9837,"i do not want to explain too much, i just want to get this out somehow.i thought about ending it before, several times. but I have always been too scared to even actually trying it. but not anymore, something bad just happened and i feel like iv3 fibally stoppef caring, i could actually be brave enough to do it any one of these days.i thought i would do it as soon as i turned 18 but it may happen a lot more sooner than that i could actually do it anytime now",Suicidal +9838,"I have been having suicidal though and suicidal idealization since July started. I have also always been a fan of crying things out for as long as you need to get it all out and start healing. Well its Sunday night, were entering week 4, and I am goddamned tired of feeling like this and crying every night, like there is no end in sight only to repeat this shit night, after night. I am not going to go ahead with plans, I know that I am not. But the want is still simmering beneath my flesh.I am going to talk to my therapist, but I am just tired. Entering week 4 of relapse. I am tired.",Suicidal +9839,"not dead, neither alive. I live in a nightmare with no way out. I just cannot take it any more. I had a bright future 10 years ago that was wasted because of misophonia. I cannot work or study because neighbors are too busy making noises 24/7. And the few seconds while they are quiet, I am wasted. I take 6 different medications everyday just to deal with the damage. it is like you having diabetes and people force feeding you sugar 24/7. there is no cure, i cannot take any more headphones all day long because my head is tired. i have no more will to fight, i kind of accept my destiny now. I almost had a heart attack yesterday and today because the fucking asshole upstairs kid was jumping the hell over my head, despite them having two fucking floors + the playground bellow. we have talked with them many times, they know it. I do not hate them, in fact we are friendly but i have a trauma related to kids jumping. It all started 10 years ago with this kid's cousin. Then, another cousin was born. And now, another. They do not live here but it is a fucking nightmare. I am a shadow of who i was. i do not feel alive. And i cannot sell now the apartment because justice in my shitty country only works for bandits(long story, too painful to even say it). I have no money to get out and feels like someday my heart will finally stop beating. i feel like a zombie",Suicidal +9840,"if i commit suicide, i dunno who would take care of my hamster.. I am stuck.. i dunno..",Suicidal +9841,FUCK I HATE MY LIFE,Depression +9842,"I have had a few dreams where something is trying to push me off a cliff, i always struggling trying to stay on for a bit but then just give up and jump off because id rather die than struggle to live. my day thoughts are taking over my night thoughts...",Suicidal +9843,"my best friend is the only reason I am alive and i feel like she is getting sick of me, if she leaves me I am literally not going to be able to fucking live title",Suicidal +9844,"I live alone. My depression is at an all time high. I believe I am just not worth it anymore and I have finally given up on myself. I wake up alone. I do everything on my own. Any fun activities that i truly enjoy doing, nobody wants to do them with me. But if its anyone else that wants to do something they want to do, i am always there for it. Nobody is there for me. But I am there for everyone else. I am just another person that people can walk over. I just want a genuine friendship with people and a genuine love life. But i seem to get the short end of the stick every time. Nice guys finish last, it happens time and time again. I hate it here. I just want to the pain to go away. I just need someone to talk to.",Suicidal +9845,"even though its cold and uncomfortable, should i go? i have feelings of sadness and wish i was dead but i do not think i have the guts to take my own life. i want to go to the hospital. should i?",Suicidal +9846,"This is not living let alone life. I am in constant pain every single fucking day. I even tried to do something fun tonight by myself only to end up having a sciatic episode and now I can barely walk, yet once again, without being in pain. I have been to the chiropractor several times and I thought after a year of going I would be fine until this shit happens yet again. I am so fucking tired of trying to make something of myself and yet people not watching my content or even cheering me the fuck on at all. I have been writing and making content for fucking almost 10 years and people do not give a shit. I do not have really any friends that give a damn all that much cept one that I barely see. I am so tired of people not giving a fuck about my or making zero effort to be in my life. After losing my mom at 14, being lied to about being a father for a few years, being physically abused, losing basically the rest of my family on top of every thing else I am done man. I cannot take this shit anymore. I am tired of fake ass people that only want something from me because I get tons of free shit. I am so damn tired of people only caring when it benefits them. I am tired of being fucking trolled online by people and even some people on here that stalk me and just downvote my shit. I am tired of having mental illness and barely anyone giving a shit. do not fucking come to my funeral when I am dead and pretend like I cared. do not cry at my lifeless body with your fake ass ""I wish I did this or that"" bullshit. Fucking love me now while I am alive and not wait till I am gone forever. I am so damn tired of this thing called ""life""",Depression +9847,"I wish I had the strength to try anymore. I have nothing and no one, and my cries for help go unanswered (and even fucking downvoted). I wish I never fucking tried for so long, that I would given up years ago rather than wasting 15 years hoping life would get better, thinking if I just fucking tried hard enough, was kind to others and took care of those I loved, apply to any job I can, life could be better. I could be better. *What a fucking joke.* 15 years of fucking mental and physical pain, 15 years of struggling every fucking day, 15 years of ignoring the part of my head that tells me everyone would be happier if I died... just fuck it all. My life is meaningless and beyond worthless. Fuck it. Nothing left for me",Suicidal +9848,there is this little girl inside a grown woman body begging anyone to love her. But unconditional love is a myth. I guess I just do not deserve it. I do not know how to deserve it. I thought I was a good person. I tried to be. Tried my very best to assume good in others and treat people with compassion and love. I tried my best in school. I try my best every fucking day I stay on this hell of a planet and not fucking end it.But what is the point? My best clearly is not good enough. it is not enough to earn me the one and only thing I have ever wanted. To be loved.I am tired. everyone is love is conditional and I cannot meet those conditions,Suicidal +9849,I find myself lying in bed wondering is tonight the night? Probably like a 45% chance (A I am okie) Once again,Suicidal +9850,My psychologist lie to me during rehab and told my these pills will not make me gain wait I went from 140 to 265 took me five years to get to 188-185 my body was so messed up on anti depressants. Now I have gain what ITold her countless times and she said it would not yet she gave me a pill that has the most weight gain. Like why lie and make me feel more shitty than I already feel when it comes to my body . Feeling some and insecure,Depression +9851,I am going to be fucking homeless soon because my family cannot help me anymore. I cannot do anything. I am going to starve and die. I cannot do fucking anything. I hate myself so much and i do not want to be alive. what do i do when i cannot handle life anymore,Suicidal +9852,"People are so mean. they are awful. They hurt, lie, kill, steal, manipulate, whatever you can think of. The world is so messed up. I do not want to be apart of it anymore. The bad outweighs the good at this point. I do not want to try and find the good anymore, because everywhere I look there is murder, suicide, rape, fighting, stealing, etc. and I do not want to deal with it anymore. The world is so cruel. I do not want to fight for life. I am not strong enough to. there is so much wrong in the world and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I wish I was never brought into this terrible place. I want to leave. I do not want to be around anymore.",Depression +9853,Why cannot I just end it? What stops me? I do not want to go to hell. that is what stops me. Why cannot God just take me. God I sound so pathetic. I cannot stand myself. I constantly wish for a disease that will kill me. Just typing this shit is making me feel such disgust for myself. Jesus Christ. I am a fucking asshole. Oh boo hoopity party. Fucking get the balls and fucking kill your self already or shut the fuck up!!!! I hate me!! Piece of shit.. Old and waiting to die,Depression +9854,I have tried reaching help but find very little. I just want to quit it all. I want no more pain from my mental illnesses. I need to kill myselfnow This is like my billionth post here,Suicidal +9855,"if I told my entire story, it would be too long so I apologize if things are confusing (also I apologize if some things seem or sound off, I dropped out when I was around 14 and I am nearly 18 now)I never had a good family life as we grew up in poverty making it worse with also having an abusive and neglectful mother and father.I have always been a loner with no friends and a drug problem that started when I was 13-14 because of my parents. I was being bullied for my looks or how awkward I was, which was just another reason for my downwards spiral. I used drugs heavily for a couple years of my life up untill I was 16. I still use them but just not as much anymore.I have a boyfriend of nearly three years now, but lately he is been ghosting me and other stuff, just not paying me any mind. he says he is been busy with school and such but I usually see him online on social medias and when he texts me, it is usually for things he needs like gas money.he says he loves me, but does not show it or sometimes, he will say he never meant anything. I am way too emotionally attached to him to break up which is a bad thing that I am trying my best to work on. I have tried to commit suicide countless times but they have all failed. I just do not know what to do with my life anymore. I tried going back to school but because of my poor social skills I just dropped out again. I cannot even get a job, and it is my fault. there is nothing left for me anymore, I am honestly contemplating suicide. I give up",Depression +9856,"15yo I know this is not that big of a deal, but my pet bird is dying, and I am not in a very good place right now. I am also still in shock and disbelief because she has not 100% died yet, but she is dying. I have been through a lot the past two years, 11 inpatient hospitalizations, a suicide attempt, a SA, emotional abuse, C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, SAD, Bulimia, and pending diagnosis on bipolar because I am underage. Its like there is this void in my heart and I cannot bear to think about her or I will start crying again. I feel, empty. Its a different feeling than how I felt during my episodes. I do not really know how to explain it. I loved, no, I *love* her so much. I do not understand why the ones we care about the most get taken from us. I have not felt this upset in a long time because my medications finally started helping me. I have never lost anyone close to me before, is this what grief feels like?",Suicidal +9857,I am 35 I have never owned a vehicle I have only ever dated one girl and that was over 13 years ago. I have only ever been passionate with 2 woman and the 2nd was a lesbian. I do not own anything and I have never paid my taxes. My teeth are falling out but I do not drink often or do many drugs other then occasional weed when my mind starts spinning and I need to calm it. I spent my whole youth in front of a computer screen I am 250lbs and I have a horrible time in social situations I almost always embarrass myself to the point that I feel uncomfortable even being in crowds. I have been on tinder for over a year and only ever had 20 matches and 2 replies. I am not very attractive. I am going to die alone I have no future to look forward to my job is physically demanding with very little pay and long hours. I was at peace with the notion of growing old and dieing even if it is alone but lately I find myself wondering if life even holds meaning enough to carry on for the few people that still know me. My only 2 friends only bother with me once in a while. If I chose to live it will only be in misery and sorrow. Why would I want a long lonely road ahead. I do not know,Suicidal +9858,According to r/rant since I criticized women complaining about wanting a serious relationship on dating app and sites as opposed to otherwise as they do not match or respond to those seeking the actual same somehow makes me a misogynist. Well I might as well get over my fear of the unknowns of death and end it all so bye. No one cared or cares anyway. Ending it today unless.,Suicidal +9859,"so I will just feeling extremely sad again , and deleted some social medias where some friends would be able to talk to me so I can stop talking to then , we were going to watch a movie but since I could not get there in time, the only way would be if it was delayd by 2 hours, wich they did not want , what makes me feel horrible is that I would do it for them , I know is stupid its not about the movie is just I wish I people cared about me,and know this just sounds so stupid,but to me those things just make feel terrible , moments like these makes see just how unimportant I am , and I feel bad because is like I am dragging people down , that is why I will stop talking with the friends I have now , sowhen I do something in the near future no one would feel bad about it , even though I do not think anyone would care its just so no one feels sad or something Feeling pretty down",Suicidal +9860,what is it mean when two separate psych doctors agree that Suicide is a valid option for you. One after working with me considered it for himself as well. The other said in a way she will not go to jail but still clear enough she thought it was probably the right choice.Cuz no one I ever met really got a good defense then oh they should not say that well if they are willing to commute career sepuku and risk life imprisonments over it for someone they have a business relationship and otherwise fully stable and have decade plus time practitioning . They must know something No one risks their own career and life for something their soul is not ok with and not a stranger unless they know they are right or certain about their decision. I Think we are so wrong about being so anti suicide because let us be honest. there is no real evidence its wrong that can stand logic Even doctors know suicide is not wrong,Suicidal +9861,I am so sick of it all. all 16 years of my life have been agony. I am taking the gun and I am shooting myself by a railroad tomorrow. probably at 8:30. tomorrow is the day,Suicidal +9862,that awkward moment when they ask you what you want to be when you grow up. kind of awkward LMAO,Suicidal +9863,"I cried myself to sleep last night. I cried this afternoon. I cried this evening. last week, I must have cried a hundred times. I just cannot stop. I cry",Depression +9864,"i want to be okay, why is nothing working i want to be happy",Suicidal +9865,my parents constantly tell me that I am doing nothing. living and doing nothing is a battle in itself for me. I am sorry I am just trying to stay alive..,Suicidal +9866,"I am sick and tired of people uploading a status about being sad (and do not have a mental health diagnosis) for likes, validation etc but refuse to go to therapy. How do I not loose my shit? Sadfishing is making me tired",Depression +9867,but I do not have any close friends and I have never talked about my feelings with anyone. I have not been feeling happy at all for last few weeks and I do not know the reason. I (24M) feel like talking to someone openly about my feelings,Depression +9868,"I wrote this on the bipolar reddit this morning. well now i do not want to exist. I cannot do what i want to do because i do not have the mental stability. I have nobody to talk to about this shit. I only have family. Well that is not enough anymoreI cannot succeed in school but i have to in order to not become homeless. I cannot get a job at 21 years old because I am too socially anxious. I am just worthless. I want to hire a hit man to kill myself or something. I just want to die but i do not have it in me. I feel like an attention whore. I am so drained I am looking up the same shit i used to at 14. I take xanax for anxiety and i wish it sedated me but it does not. No matter how much i take i feel the same. I have taken 16 mgs at once and its done nothing to me. I just want to feel nothing. I want to be out of everyone is life. I make people feel shitty and it fucking kills me. I feel like I am trying to crawl out of my skin.I have been taking 100mg seroquel for four days. I am in a weird situation right now and its really difficult to explain but I am going to try. My dad met someone on minecraft about ten years ago and long story short, they hit it off, became friends, and started a business together. She lives in australia and we live in the US. she is married with a kid and she is been really nasty to my family. She is in control of every aspect of his life; finances, has camera with audio in the living room of his house (they own it for air bnb together), Gps on him, and has tried to buy the love of my brothers and I. Well for a short period i lived in that house rent free which i appreciate. I got kicked out after a manic episode and have been exerting all my engergy trying to get back into that house and pay monthly rent instead. she is decided that she wanted to create a plan for success but its all under her terms. On day four of taking these meds i realized i do not want to live under her roof. If I am going to pay to live somewhere then it makes more sense to me to spend more on rent elsewhere due to the emotional turmoil she is put me through. I am 21 years old and I think that this is the end of the road for me to try and repair my dad and is relationship. He has let this woman that i just found out hes romantically involved with (which to me makes everything far more twisted) someone who has hurt his family so much. This devastated me so much. I want to know if this is me thinking for myself for once, or an impulsive thing. I have had to live at the house i was r**** in for two months while she decides if i should be allowed back. The reason i was kicked out due to a manic episode was because i wanted to go to the hospital for inpatient because i had not gotten a wink of sleep in nearly a week. My dad started telling me how stupid that would be because of i went to the mental hospital she would just kick me out. Its so sick and i do not think i can be in my dads life. I am so damn tired of existing",Suicidal +9869,"There was a time I was very talkative and somewhat of a leader in my friend groups. I loved meeting new people over the mic on the internet. I had a good handful of friends IRL aswell.Now after 3 years of depression and anxiety, I am a robot. I have set ways of sitting, automatic responses, and am just always so drained. I spend all my time either thinking about or researching depression and anxiety. I basically have no hobbies except for this and cut off all my friends in favor of isolating.How do I change back? My single mom is so old, it makes me terrified and feel awful thinking she will be seeing me like this for the rest of her life, when things used to be so happy... please if anyone has any suggestions I would appreciate it so much Depression and anxiety have become my personality",Depression +9870,"I have no hope left now. Everything, gone. In my last moments, I want someone to talk to. I want to tell my story and someone to listen to me. I am suicidal as hell. I need someone to talk to :(",Depression +9871,"CW: religion/spirits, bad thoughts So I have been having a rough time lately. Feeling like ending it all. Like, all the time. Its so miserable. I constantly have migraines and stomach aches just from the sheer depression and anxiety. So I always try to tell myself different reasons why I should not. One of my major reasons & thoughts lately have been if my spirit would stay stuck feeling that way forever? do not know anyone elses religious beliefs but raised a Christian ofcourse were taught we will not go to heaven if we end our own lives. And I have had such bad days with terrible migraines and body aches and depression and it makes me want to put a bullet in my head. But then I think, if I kill myself now, will I suffer from migraines and depression for the rest of eternity? (Provided the religious beliefs are indeed true). I really just wanted to find out other peoples opinions on this? If you are religious at all have you thought about this? Please lemme know. Suffering for eternity?",Suicidal +9872,I am an 18 year old boy . I want to give my life a second chance I tried everything but could not get help. So 2 years ago I started to experience bad odor coming from my body . My friends use to cover their noses and tell me that I smelled bad . I can even smell myself something is but do not know what is it . I stopped getting close to people and I stopped hanging out with friends. I feel really low and even went to the doctor but did not work . I really cannot do this anymore . I just feel better dead then living in fear of embarrassment. I do not want to end my life so short . I really pray everyday to get out of this. I take 2 showers daily brush my teeth 2 times and wear deodorant . Last hope!,Suicidal +9873,"It has been a few months passed since my last entry on this reddit. My art project did not went as expected and my relationship with my model will not go for a very good place... I tried different projects to see If could find something where I could surely prove my talent, and although I may have found something, it is just simply not enough. Every moment of victory is simply a distraction to my own insignificance, it does not matter if I find a job, managed to make an incredible artwork; in the end I am still alone, unsuccessful and unhappy. And seeing people around with your age winning and being happy is just too much. I am done, my envy and shame cannot take it anymore and I already accepted that it is too late to fix things, if there is something to fix right now it will not be enough. I dreamed a good young adulthood for me, but since I am already a young and unhappy adult, I do not want to get to the 30's anymore if it is to go on like this... So, I give it up. I made my decision, I will not pass from 25. I still have things to finish, but once it is done than I will go for it. The only important questions are the how and the when. I pretend on leaving in a quick and painless way, preferably one that is not messy, since I do not want to scar my relatives so much. I know my death will bring them misery, but hopefully my suicide note (that at this point has became a manifesto) will ease their pain, it will not make it go away, but it may help them to make the grieving process quicker... It will happen, no doubt. The question is only when, how and what will be left behind...",Suicidal +9874,"I have been in and out of feeling suicidal for a few years. Feeling suicidal as in creating a plan, practicing that plan, waking up most days wanting to go through with it, seeing items and thinking about how I could use them to off myself, and so on. I have spent two years with a therapist going over trauma,anxiety, depression, and everything that goes with it. there is been times that I have felt the light shine through, like I was able to work past the bullshit and experience reality in its real form. But I am once again in the low, and once again, it hurts like a motherfucker. Its worse with each major low and each time I feel like I lose another piece of myself. At this point I feel like a husk of who I once was. No drive, no happiness, no goals, just basking in self loathing. It sucks and its no way to get past what I am feeling, but I am trapped in this mindset. I no longer feel remorse for who I leave behind. I know the pain is immeasurable for those who have to suffer the loss of a loved one, especially from suicide. So much greater than my personal hurt but I am fed up. I am fed up with the person who stares back at me in the mirror. Its pathetic watching myself move through the days. And I think its time that I stop being such a self centered dreamy little fuck and do what I have said I was going to do. there is always the next life to try again Bout done",Suicidal +9875,"I am severely traumatized and in the lowest throes of depression. I could fill a book with experiences that would horrify the average person. It is truly remarkable that I am alive, and life is something that I hate to no end. This is a trigger warning, because even though I would probably despise you, I respect your membership in a ""moral community."" I am going to vent some things that contribute to my depression. do not read it, straight up. To preface, I am not some 14 year old kid struggling with new emotions. I am 31, and I have experienced pretty much exclusively low points throughout my life, interspersed with extensive, mind-destroying misery that nearly killed me several times. I am convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that 99% of humanity is sinister in nature, and wicked in their actions. I hate you, very genuinely. My entire being is consumed by an unquenchable hatred for my fellow human being. I was not always like this, though. I was a nice kid with a big, loving heart, even though my parents were meth head trailer trash. My innocence was systematically stolen from me over the course of my early years. I learned to hate, and I eventually lost my ability to trust other humans on any level. I literally cannot maintain any relationships, and I live in complete isolation, waiting to die. I had early childhood issues with abandonment that made me feel like everyone was going to suddenly leave me. I was not wrong. People are shit, and they will stick around as long as you have something that they want. You, the person reading this, are like this. No matter what you think about yourself, you are not loyal to anyone but yourself, and you probably do not even know it. Only broken people can truly understand the ramifications their actions can have on others, because they were once victimized by another's selfishness - their willingness to use you to attain a need or desire of some kind. In order to *truly* understand that, you have to have experienced trauma. Real trauma. Not ""I got a spanking when I was 10."" The kind that actually fucks you up forever. *trigger warning for people who cannot validate my experience, while simultaneously expecting their own experiences to be validated* You, at the grocery store, staring at my ragged clothes and greasy hair, please go fuck yourself. Leave me alone. Mind your own goddamned business. You, in the car trying to run me off the fucking road while you text on your cell phone, I hope you crash and your car bursts into flames. You, neighbor, slamming your fucking fist on the wall whenever I walk across my house - whenever you do this, I have a panic attack. I imagine gruesome things about you, and all that separates us is a paper thin wall that I could crush through with my bare hands. Fuck you. If you knew my thoughts, you would move. You, the guy who stole my car a couple months back. I hope terrible things happen to you in prison. You, the employer who stole thousands of dollars from me and my employees while I managed your company and literally kept it afloat through 2020, I hope your fucking business goes under and your family goes hungry. Fuck you. I hope your mansion burns down. I could go on forever. I despise you all with all my soul. I just had to say some of this. Keep in mind that I do not care about your feelings, and I do not seek validation. I feel nothing but hatred and sadness.",Depression +9876,"Hey everyone, I posted in r/Anxiety but did not get a response but the sub is not as active as this one and its also possible those who saw do not have experience with my med. My doctor prescribed me vortioxetine. Just wondering if anybody has any experience with this drug and what I should expect over the next few weeks. Thanks! On medication for the first time",Depression +9877,"This is my final attempt at life, I cannot go on no longer. I can feel it, I only have a few days before I take my life. I am not Gods strongest warrior. I cannot bear the tests He is giving me. I tried so hard to be the person she wanted me to be. But its so hard for me to change and I drove her away. I know it may not seem like much but 8 months and a day after we were done she said she is ready to move on. Did she even love me. I drove around in a frantic craze trying to find an open therapy spot but its Sunday and nothing is open. Its currently 10:29 PM today and I can feel my life-force draining slowly. I am at my wits end. Someone please save me. The only reason I have not taken my own life is because according to the bible, people who take their own life go to hell. But i do not want to go to hell. I just want the pain to stop. I have been hurt so much by my stupid actions and I put the last of my energy into this relationship. She promised that she would not leave, and would stay by my side to try and better myself. Did she love me. The voices are getting louder and I cannot control it. It seems to spiral at nighttime when I am alone. I do not like sleeping alone all I could remember is cuddling with her. Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why WHAT IS IS WRNG WITH ME. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE SOMEONE SAVE ME PLEASE My Last Cry for Help @ Life",Depression +9878,Why do people are they will always be here when you need them? But when you need them no one is ever there. Lying makes it worse and losing the trust I had for you. No one is ever serious about always being there when you need them. Alone,Suicidal +9879,I HATE YOU I HATE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS I HATE YOU I HATE YOU SO MUCH OCD,Suicidal +9880,"I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and mild OCD (alongside symptoms of PMDD but it is hard to get a diagnosis; my psychiatrists are male). The purpose of this post is not to ask what treatment would necessarily work in my case, rather to ask if there is still hope to find an anti-depressant that will remove my paralysing symptoms (low mood, constant fatigue, executive dysfunction, etc). My overarching issue is that I find it increasingly difficult to study for my upcoming GCSEs and I understand that my grades are not worth my mental wellbeing but I live in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive household with parents that might just marry me off if I am unable to escape by studying abroad; I need to study if I want to be emotionally stable and independent in the future. Though it seems the drugs I have been on (Paxil and Lexapro) never seem to help enough, they might make me able to get out of bed and have the energy to socialise on mediocre to good days but I cannot put myself to work and critically think (I also need constant distractions or my obsessions/intrusive thoughts get the best of me) as to study. Has anyone had a similar experience where the use of another antidepressant has helped them to work long enough to fulfil their responsibility as an employee/student? Should I stop searching for help in antidepressants- is this a dead-end?TL;DR: If neither Paxil nor Lexapro work for me, a 15-year-old, is it worth it continuing to search for antidepressants that do? I am 15(F) and neither Paxil(25mg) nor Lexapro(15mg) have been working",Depression +9881,why is it so hard 2 let it go :( I keep thinking about my past and it is making me depressed,Depression +9882,Seriously why not? Why cannot they create an easily accessible painless suicide pill?,Suicidal +9883,"I think this is pretty tame compared to some of the other things on this but just to vent and hopefully get a little bit of advice.Recently forced out of a job, was told I was worthless and disgusting even though I threw everything I had at the place. I have lost motivation to work out, do my hobbies and spent sometime crying to myself. Wondering if I have let people down or just myself. I am slightly drunk right now but I am just wonderingWhat do you guys to do get back to normal? What helps you get back to normal",Depression +9884,i do not have a reason for being here. i fuck everyone up & do nothing but ruin peoples lives by being in them. I am either numb or angry 24/7. I am just ready for everything to be over. I have attempt 3 times in the last month and I have failed all of them. the only thing I am good at is failing. i will not fail this time. ill make sure of it. this is goodbye. I am so done..,Suicidal +9885,"When you are autistic, people look at you like you are an alien. that is my experience, pretty much most people in this world care about social status and nothing else. it is quite sad but that is why I do not talk to people so much anymore. I cannot even get accepted into christian circles which sucks. It goes to show that when you are weird and different society makes fun of you. Suicide rates are high bc people are not inclusive enough, there are alot of lonely people in this world. Lonely",Depression +9886,"I feel like such a failure in life. I hate where I am in life right now. I feel like such a burden to my family and friends. I have no one to talk to about anything. no one cares about me. No one loves me. People only talk to me when they need something from me. Everything I do is not good enough for anyone. I work hard, I save money, i got into a program at uni, but nothing is good enough for anyone. I am always lacking. I try so hard to be happy and to be a good successful person but what is the point? Everything I do does not matter. No one looks for me or misses me. No one cares about me and asks me if I am doing okay. I am no one's favourite. If I end my life, everything will be okay. They can live without me. My mom can finally have someone else to emotionally abuse. I am one less burden they will have. No one will miss me when I am gone. Everyone will just be sad for one day and then move on like nothing happened. If I kill myself, it will be my fault and everyone will call me selfish. If I decide to live, nothing will change. I will be stuck like this forever. I am tired. Honestly, the only reason why I am still around is because of my dog lol... I am tired.",Suicidal +9887,I have nothing and no one my apartment is empty and devoid of anything cheerful. All I have to eat is two cans of soup.$1 In my bank account and nothing to live for put a date down for when they shut off my water I will end it then. Put a suicide date on my calender,Suicidal +9888,"I promised myself that id stay out of this sub when i made this account. Not going too well so far haha.... I have not slept in 24 hours, maybe more. I have lost count. I am tired but i do not want to wake up only to be faced with disappointment. The right side of my teeth hurts from clenching so hard for a prolonged period of tiem without noticing it. I had a mini depressive episode earlier and i think i might be going mad sometimes. I want die so bad, its all that clutters my mind lately. I am not going to do it, not yet atleast but the thought sits there and taunts me. It makes me feel like i should do it sooner. I look around me and its all worth doing. I could end things, not suffer a day more. I am exhausted of the acts i have to pull, the sacrifices i have to make. When in the end, I am still a miserable wad of shit. I want to rest. Eternally. Sure I am a bit stepped aback from what is beyond that but frankly, i care more about ending this daily fight than what comes next, i could worry about it when the time comes. I wish someone could blow my brains out. I am pretty dumb haha",Suicidal +9889,"I have been hearing, reading etc about how ADHD shows in womxn, specifically adult womxn, and I check off so many boxes. Does anyone have any kind of experience with these as a comorbidity or one diagnosis vs another? Learning about ADHD. Now I am wondering if I am mis diagnosed.",Depression +9890,"I hate that I cannot just be normal. I have been especially depressed and anxious the past few weeks. I have not gone to church in a month, now on top of that today I stayed home instead of going to the wedding of someone in our church. They are all up there probably finishing up the reception now, and I am sitting here wishing I was normal and that I would have just gone. I always just feel 10x worse when I skip something because of depression/anxiety. I feel awful Missing Events",Depression +9891,"Like my other reddit posts, people just do not seem to care about my problems. Today I got into a fight at work because I was told that my performance was low and was later blamed for starting a fight that clearly was not my fault (the other person was a coworker of mine who I absolutely dislike for being a snob and having a high and mighty attitude with everyone). I was treated like complete crap by my superior who promptly decided to fire me on the spot. I lost my job and reputation with my coworkers that day. Now, unemployed, I sink deeper into my depression and have started to develop nightmares and insomnia as a result of the incident. I cannot trust nobody, you are worthless are some of the thoughts that creep into my head during these moments. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. I have considered suicide but Id leave behind my family who live overseas and would hate to make them sad by my death. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of depression and abuse from others, that every form of emotion left in me has completely disappeared. I feel like, no matter what I do or say, no one gives a fuck about what me.",Depression +9892,"First off, I was in there with a guy who stayed 3 extra days because the psych forgot to give him his heart meds and switched him to Seroquel to see if his dizziness would go away. The dizziness was from her accidentally forgetting to give him his meds. That should be enough to tell you how neglectful these places are.When I was 18, I called the hotline. I said I did not want to hurt myself but needed hell. A cop knocked on my door while I was in the bathroom and took me to an ambulance ($250 fee) and then to the hospital (got a bill that hopefully was covered by insurance) and spent 24 hours on a gurney before they decided I was not a danger to myself or others and let me go. The day after my 22nd (July 2nd) I was on a multi-day alcohol bender and attempted (pills). Cops showed up and I was not compliant (kept telling them to leave me alone) and they kept questioning me and standing there. Apparently they were afraid of me ODing but did not bring in an EMT. Eventually they put me in handcuffs without even saying ""you have to come with us or we will put you in handcuffs"". They also came in through the side door and unlocked front garage door which I am pretty sure is illegal. Outside I remained compliant but kept asking why I was in handcuffs. The guy cop then frisked me and touched my penis twice and after he did that I said ""you just touched my dick again"" and then he put his finger up my ass. I am serious. He degraded me in front of my entire neighborhood in broad daylight. 0 reason to. Then they put me in the backseat of a squad car and I kept asking why I was in a car in handcuffs and kept repeating I am not going to harm anyone and they said ""because you told us to fuck off like 20 times"" and ""we are doing what is your best interest"". Riiight, not rushing me to the hospital...? I think I might have been illegally detained because I did not commit a crime or make any threatening gestures and the sodomization was 100% illegal.Eventually they decided maybe the kid overdosing needs medical help so they had me get in the EMT, and they strapped me to a gurney. I have no idea why they did this because I was not fighting at all or acting like I was a danger. I kept asking and they would not give me an answer. Eventually I made it to the hospital. I had my blood drawn a total of five times. I waited in the ER for 5ish hours and then got sent up to the floor for people that attempt and act out and whatnot and it was AWFUL. Close second to jail, I assume. One room with nothing to do and nothing in it, shit food, a hallway leading to two TVs and a group room where you spend 2 hours a day max. No counselors, social workers are there but rarely see you (saw mine on the 5th day, was supposed to be every day), and a psychiatrist sees you every morning for only 5-10 mins.I told them that I was a prescribed Xanax addict over and over and over again and they would not give me my prescription to help with withdrawals. Withdrawals from Xanax and alcohol are extremely dangerous and can kill you. I had two seizures in there. They gave me Ativan after my first seizure ""well, just let us know if you have a seizure"" and for the next few days none of the nurses knew what was going on, or the psych. I kept telling them about my withdrawals and they said ""you are not going through withdrawals, it is a benzodiazepine, it is the same thing"". I was crying, I felt so defeated and that I would die in there. If you know how benzo W/Ds feel, you know what I am talking about. Severe psychological distress and physical pain. 3 days in I lost control of my arm, my back was arched and lost control of the muscles in my face. I could only whisper and this nurse laughed at me and walked away. She also told me my convulsing (felt like my back and neck were about to snap) was just a panic attack and I needed to relax. I had a seizure on the floor and the nurse said ""if you flop on the floor like that, I am not going to give you any benzos"".The patients were also traumatizing. It was awful. Just imagine a psych ward, it is just how you think it is. Met a pedophile, a violent methhead, a tiny meth girl who would masturbate on the phone all day, a couple fucking, violence between patients and security/police, emergency calls, etc. and yelling all the time. did not sleep more than 3 hours a night after I got a new doctor (because my psych forgot to see me one morning) and he was more or less like ""what the fuck are they doing?"". I want off Xanax so bad but it is so difficult to kick and I am so paranoid and anxious and this experience added a layer to my PTSD and my paranoia and anxiety are at an all time high. I am so afraid and I am even more depressed. The only good part is that I am coming up on 30 days sober. I feel like I was treated like an animal and I feel... I would usually use a lot of words, but I just feel like a robot. I do not know what to do... guys, be careful Guys be careful with the hotline and do not ever end up in a psych ward, even voluntarily",Depression +9893,"Depression sucks, I think we have all established that at this point. I want a hobby. There are so many things on my life that I get mildly interested in. I spend weeks dwelling on how to begin a hobby before eventually losing interest on even starting ot convincing myself that I am not going to do good at it so why bother. Or, if I am lucky, I try it, and enjoy it (looking at you crochet) and then lose interest in two days. I want to learn Spanish and now would be the perfect time to learn it. Where I work we have a lot of Spanish speaking customers, and a lot of my coworkers speak Spanish. I could get a lot of practice, and there is no better time to learn it than now. Except my brain is so stupid. I feel so stupid, I cannot remember anything, or focus on anything for any amount of time. Not only that, but I am also terrified of saying something stupid, or looking like an idiot. To be fair to myself it takes years to learn a language, but I have such a thin skin right now. Yesterday I went for a walk around my neighborhood. It was actually the first time I walked around it in a long time. Nearing the end of it I got whacked in the face by a bee, jumped, swatted it. Right in front another person. I felt ridiculous, like I was swatting at nothing like a crazy person. Trying to save I face I remarked that ""I hate bees"" with an awkward laugh. She awkwardly chucked and walked away. Instead of being proud of myself for going for a walk alone I spend that rest of the day feeling like a dumbass. I do not hate bees at all, bees are lovely little pollinaters who help the planet, but now this women on my neighborhood might see me again and think that I am the crazy chick who hates bees.I want to backpack Europe one day. And I keep thinking that I am never going to do it. I am worried about it being another regret in my life. I could have done it but never did. Just another causulty of my depression.I want to go on more hikes. I want a friend to do it with. I love walking but I do not like going on walks by myself. I am still nervous about it, and honestly it is better having someone there with you. I do not want to talk the entire time, but it would be nice to have company while strolling along and listening to music.Speaking of music. I have so many albums on backlog that I have not listened to yet. I want to listen to them, but I like listening to new albums the whole way through on the first go. So I save them until I am ""ready"" and ""have enough time to thoroughly enjoy them"", but that never happens even though a majority of my time is spend in my room doing nothing. I have not learned to drive yet. I have tried and I am scared. I feel like my anxiety is going to because me to over react and because an accident. it would be great to drive, then maybe I could go out and do things. But the thing is that not driving should not be holding me back this much. I do not need to drive where I live. Sure, it would make life easier, but there are plenty of busses or Ubers and even trains that I could take into the city if I wanted. But I do not. I go to work, I do some schoolwork, then I sleep and maybe I will eat if I am lucky while convincing myself that maybe next week things will change.My last semester of college is going be this fall and I feel like my entire world is crumbling because I do not know what I am going to do when it ends.I am overwhelmed, and I am bitter and irritable and angry and judgemental all of the time. And I am sick of this shit. I already regret my life, and I feel like in five years from now instead looking at younger me and saying ""everything will get better"" I will just be as resentful as I am right now. I want a hobby among other things.",Depression +9894,"I went to hospital trying to admit myself, with self harm. I got stitches and spoke to the first clinician, there were no beds in the mental health ward so they wanted me to stay the night to try again the next day. I did. I spoke to another clinician the next day who no matter how many times I reiterated I was not safe going home, sent home home again because of ""no beds."" I get that - but being such a danger can they not transfer hospitals?I cannot be alone because everytime I am I self harm. All I think about is overdosing. I was weaned off lexapro 20mg in 12 days and started on venlafexine 75mg which hospital added another 37.5mg too which is only on about dag 8 of now. I know it is likely the med swap, I have got a long history of self harm and suicide attempts though and I am afraid. One side of my brain KNOWS I need to stay alive and I deserve to live and have a life but the other is screaming at me to just give up because even the health system could not deem me worthy of saving... I do not know what to do when I have already reached out to professionals, family, friends... all my history is looking up what meds to OD on and the amounts needed and the risk of failing or what damage they leave behind should I do fail.... how do I stop this it is so loud :( I am 27, swapping meds, and the suicidal thoughts are overbaring.",Suicidal +9895,"I am eighteen and just recently had been kicked out of/moved out of my household with nowhere to go. I was at my highest point, hanging out with friends at six flags and enjoying my time. For the first time in a while, I was genuinely happy. It all vanished the moment my mothers boyfriend called to cuss me out/ mother refused to understand my pleas for respect. I know this seems minuscule, but imagine 18 years of a lack of empathy and emotional understanding. 18 years of your life without break. The toll it takes on a human? I have always been pushing back my suicide for another day, another year, for when life gets good. My biggest motivator in going on was the future. But that subtle reminder told me all I needed to know. I was set up for failure by those who were made to love me, the fact that I was never loved, done wrong multiple times, and there is no way of escaping it. No way of turning back the time. Even if I get rich, married, even live my dream life, Ill always be haunted by everything that is happened to me. Ill always be haunted by the fact that I have failed in some way...some aspect. I am fucked emotionally and while I forgive and love some of my family and the people in my life , I will never forget them for staring at a child in the face and deciding to allow what happened to them. To look at my blatant cries for help and turn a blind eye simply because it was not convenient for them. I do not want to wait for the good to happen because its always fleeting. Every time I am in a good place, wether it be 1 second or 1 year; Ill always have the eerie feeling that creeps up on me...reminding me that a traumatic and bad experience is just right around the corner waiting to strike. I cannot be happy without sadness wishing to steal the spotlight. Its hopeless and there is really nothing I can do about it. I do not want to live like this anymore. I do not want to grow old. I do not want to settle for a life of unhappiness just to prevent the temporary hurt of the few that care for me. Id rather bite the bullet and die now so I do not end up 45, wishing I had done it sooner, but being trapped because of those around me. I am young and relatively free so why not now? do not get me wrong, I love my close friends, my sisters, my father, maybe even my mother...but I think they will be okay with me being gone after the initial period of grief. I think my suicide would maybe even bring them closer/help them. I hope so. And if it does not then the blame is on me. I wish it was not this way, but it is.I am at a friend house currently and waiting to inevitably get dropped off at my mothers boyfriends house. When I am home Ill either turn around and run into oncoming traffic/jump off a high rise building. Or take a shitload of pills after getting yelled at for a final time so I can end up being one last inconvenience for my mother and her life. So those that traumatized me can watch me die and see the blood on their hands, and maybe finally Ill be heard. But that would be asking too much. I just want to die. I do not want to feel anymore. I will not have to feel anymore.To those reading and wishing to do the same. do not. Stay alive. Please have more care for yourself and do not end up like me. Take this as a cautionary tale. I love you all. Goodbye. Its Been Nice. I Love You All. Goodbye.",Suicidal +9896,"I have had depression for a long time. Actually I have cyclothymia with predominant depression. My longest depressive episode lasted eight years, and it started when I was 19. I did not even know what being happy was supposed to feel like. I was doing okay until the pandemic. But working in the ED has killed me. I cannot do it anymore. The job I used to love is now so stressful. I am getting in trouble at work for my interactions with others but I am hanging on by a wire. I feel so hopeless and like I wish I was dead so I did not have to feel this way (I am not going to hurt myself, I just feel so bad I do not want to feel bad anymore, but I am safe). I have been talking to my therapist and psychiatrist and we are changing my medications. I just do not feel like anything will help. The only time I was happy I was on a great medication and I had to go off it because of a horrible rare side effect. I had no choice and cannot go back on it. And my husband and I want a baby but how can we when I am like this? He is so wonderful at least. I have spent almost my entire adult life - a good 15+ years - like this. I feel like I will never be happy and stable for a good long time. So what is the point? Things are just really bad right now",Depression +9897,"Everyone I love is gone, stuck in a bullshit job. Nothing that I really want to do with my life. I have always been a giver and love to take care of others but there is no one left to need me. Bills and life are so expensive and once I pay them I just have to pay them all over again. I can buy a handgun or a shotgun and just have it all be over but I cannot decide. What do you do when you have nothing to live for?",Depression +9898,"I cried the first time tonight in almost 7 years since you died. I turn 26 this year, idk maybe the years apart are finally hitting me.You died approximately 14 years ago, December 28th, 2006. It is now 2021. What in the actual fuc**. Where did the time go? I have always thought of you, I have always brought you everywhere I went. Yet, the memory of you fades almost every step I take. I forget, I grow, I remember. I forget, I grow, I remember. Tonight I envisioned you at the family table, I believe I might have saw you sitting there. I forgotten how much I loved you and your voice and face. D.J. You have always been sitting there, I can feel it now. My tears have been wiped. I cannot wait to see you greet me at the pearly gates. My darling, angel. Dear D.J.",Suicidal +9899,"I wanted to add something positive. I was depressed every day after high school till I was like 25 or 26. I could not make friends or get anywhere with women. I failed at pretty much everything. Eventually I came close to jumping off a five story ledge.Then I had a turnaround. A few days after the suicide attempt. I just got myself to realize I had a lot going for me. Most of my failures did not matter. Instead I needed to build on myself. Since then I have been very successful. Nothing is perfect. I would love to have some more success in relationships. But even when my relationship failed that did not set me back. I still worry a little about depression coming back but I stay busy trying to do everything I can go stay successful as that keeps me happy.I understand many of you are going through hell. There is a lot of issues with our country and world setting people back. I know not everyone can have success the way I did. I just hope a few of you manage to find your own path out of depression. About 15 years ago I was depressed, miserable and tried to kill myself",Suicidal +9900,"At that point where I have absolutely exhausted every avenue of trying to get better.. nothing I mean nothing works. I thought about it really long and no one cares about me so I do not want to here that bs about oh your family is going to be so sad well they had the time to help me and refused. I am unloved, unwanted and used up.. I really want to just go really fast and crash into a wall but I do not want to be a veggie for my whole life, how fast would one have to crash into a wall at to forsure end my life? Today is the day I think by car",Suicidal +9901,I fear my only friends are slowly forgetting me. Abandoning me.And soon Ill have no one. Title,Suicidal +9902,"I am just so fucking depressed that I cannot even control my emotions, especially anger. I am just so angry and I keep taking it out on my family. They do not deserve it, especially my little sister (I said something really hateful in my anger and upset her). I want to protect her because she is just a kid and the only way I see to do that is to take myself out of her life permanently. I have the means to do it and I think it is for the best for everyone this way. I feel like it is better for everyone this way.",Suicidal +9903,I finally came up with the perfect plan.It is perfectly legal and extremely easy to do. It is very effective as well. I am happy that my research into methods was worth it. The best part of my method is that there is very little survival instinct holding me back. I am really excited when I will be able to carry it out. I finally came up with the perfect plan.,Suicidal +9904,"Why should not I end it? No family, no friends at 21",Suicidal +9905,"tired tired tired tired3$ in the bank and no family to borrow from. rent and bills coming due - guess ill just let them gono job, no prospects, hell cannot even get out of bed some days. lost money doing the one thing i could stand doing because i got greedy and now I have got nowhere to go.just not made for thiswanna end it to stop the struggle. four years ago i tried and fucked myself up bad in the process. i do not want to keep fighting this fucking fight. Hungry And Tired And Miserable",Suicidal +9906,"This place is hell and I am being punished so all pain and suffering experienced is justified I guessmaybe if I convince myself hard enough that will actually become my realitysomething anything to fill the hole. Its all too painfully empty, I cannot even hate it. I cannot do anything but distract myself.I miss that kid There is no answer",Depression +9907,"Ill preface this by saying: I have seen numerous psychiatrists, therapists, G.P.s, and have been through the wringer with my family doctor throwing anti-depressant/anti-anxiolytic prescriptions at me to see what sticks. Everything still feels the same no matter what med, new routine, holistic solution, etc. I am exhausted of living. So, in March of 2020, I attempted suicide. I lived alone in a nice apartment; I locked the door to my suite, flipped the security latch, taped a handwritten DNR sign in my living room, locked the door, and I took an uncountable amount of Clobazam (not Clonazepam, different drug), 100 Gravol pills, and at least 50 nighttime Benadryl pills. I got into bed and listened to Strict Machine by Goldfrapp. Then, a feeling Id never felt before I was done. I felt like Id finished life. It was so soothing. It also could have been the effects of the massive quantity of pills I took. My then-girlfriend called me, and we have a fine conversation. This is where I black out. She tells me days after my failed suicide attempt what happened. I was completely coherent, and then just stopped talking. This is when I passed out. Long story short (too late), I wake up two days later in intensive care. Tube in my throat to regulate breathing. Catheter definitely in. Guess my DNR did not work. My parents (who live four hours away) are sitting around me as I come to. Fast forward, I convince everyone I am not crazy and they say maybe you should go to our psych ward and I said no, I will get better care when I move back to the city. (I was living in a small city at the time). I get back to my apartment. My parents stay with me. COVID breaks out. A post-grad program I am studying announces that classes are over. I move back to the big city in my parents basement. My degree is mailed to me. I keep having the same conversations with people. I keep doing the wrong things. I continue to comply with the Ministry of Transportation to get my drivers license back. They keep sending me different forms to get my doctor to sign. My depression/anxiety stays the same. Covid has made the world weird for years just days after my suicide attempt. Am in purgatory? So much violence, greed, and narcissism in the world like I have never seen before. Every day I work my jobs, but money just comes and goes if Id never even made anything. Same conversations, ad nauseam. Am in hell? Am I in Sartres No Exit? Most days, I think I am in purgatory. Am I in purgatory? Am I in purgatory? (Trigger Warning)",Suicidal +9908,"What can we say about the "" Unresponsive""? Do they leave us in the dirt because they have no answers? Do they leave us in the dirt because they are not capable of grasping what we are experiencing? Or are we turning their life upside down because we CHOOSE to explain to them what we are experiencing? Ghosting is the easiest thing to do when you want to avoid responsibility. So, what does that say about our counterparts.. the one's we vent to and supposedly trust but leave us in the dust.. What does that say about them.. they would rather experience ignorance than the truth. Our example leaves them render-less to what life is actually all about. it is easier to live your normal pathetic slave ridden life than it is to recognize that someone you care about is suffering and there is nothing they can do about it.. and that is why they ghost us.. not because they do not care.. but because they are inadequate, they are not the one's to solve our problems, we are. The sooner we take responsibility for our depression and loneliness; and even suicidal ideation, who can we trust but ourselves? How many times are you going to have to get hurt until you realize it""s just you, you experiencing it all. All outside conversation is speculation. THE UNRESPONSIVE",Depression +9909,They were given back in cruel manner. I say I am falling in love with them. I then recieve messages from randoms they have messaged without any indication of relationship. Willingness to get strangers while they one they are with is breaking. How can one find a grasp to this life when all is pointing to how insignificance there is. Gave the last of my hopes away,Suicidal +9910,"Anyone want to talk to me? I am a waste of life, seem like I gave it all together, but deep down want to die. I do not deserve the life I have and wish I had the nerve to end it. I am drunk at the moment and would love to have a true, honest connection with anyone on why I should not drink myself to death tonight. Probably will not get anywhere but the bottom of the bottle (peanut butter whiskey 10/10 would recommend, especially for depression). Fuck this, man. I am drunk and want to die",Suicidal +9911,"i cannot kill myself because i cannot take away my parents child, but then again the pressure they put on me makes me want to kill myself. its kind of hot and cold",Suicidal +9912,"a panic attack again... I have lost count how many of those i have every night. i cut myself and it is still not helping. no outlets are helping, i genuinely want to kill myself right now Feeling terribly, unusually suicidal. I wish I could end it right now",Suicidal +9913,"too fucked up mentally. I would have zero friends if people knew how i really am, I would be a chore to them i just realized",Suicidal +9914,"I am a college student who is currently doing a summer of research. One thing I learned from the very first moment I entered college is that my brain completely shuts down if someone is not kind to me. If someone slightly disrespects me, or talks to me in a condescending way, or even does not say you are welcome after I say thank you, I get extreme depression and anxiety, and my brain shuts down to the point where I cannot even add one and one. I had an incident with my PI about five days ago. He was working in the chemical hood when I asked him if I could come in at 5:00 PM the next day because I had plans. He asked if I knew what to do tomorrow, and I told him not exactly. He then proceeded to tell me to write a two-page protocol with all the calculations as well as every step of the experiment calculations. When I asked him how to do the calculations, his response was ""figure it out"" in a very condescending way. This was my first time ever asking him if I could come in late, so I do not know why he was mad at me. I wanted to come in late because I wanted to shadow a physician during the day. The entire night after my interaction with him, I could not decide on either to cancel my shadowing appointment, or just go there and let my PI pissed. I spent a couple of hours watching a video of him doing the experiment to his work and wrote a three page report. I then emailed him another question, and he did not reply the whole night. He usually replies very quickly, but he did not this time. I was extremely anxious and had no one to talk to about it, so I could not even get a good night's sleep. In the morning time, after waiting for my friend who lives in a different country to pick up the phone, I told her everything and she told me to go to the research. I texted the physician I was supposed to shadow briefly explaining why I could not come, and he was very understanding. So after showering and all, I went to my research, and at around 10:00 AM, my PI emailed me saying that he could not come to lab until evening time. He did this after I emailed him a couple of hours later that I cancelled my plan, and that I was going to come to lab. He said that something happened in his biostatistics class (yeah he is a graduate student), so he cannot come in until the evening. So now I am sitting in the office after I cancelled my shadowing experience and not doing any lab work. There were multiple times I was tearing up. I could not call my family because they live in a different country. I was really pissed the whole day, and after such a long day, he comes in with his flip flops at 6:30 PM and starts doing a 10 minute thing to his research. The amount of anger, frustration and sadness I felt was unbearable. Now I have been feeling depressed the whole week and I cannot even do any work because of it. I literally cannot get myself to get out of bed and submit one thing one click away. I did not get out of my dorm the whole weekend and did not shower up until a few hours ago. People because me so much pain. Many people are nice, but do not have good hearts, and that hurts me the most. I want to grow out of this without losing faith in humanity. I want to be a loving person, but how can you love those who are difficult to love. How do I get emotionally resilient? I really need help. When will I grow up and handle my emotions? I want to be emotionally strong",Depression +9915,I feel like everything is my fault and that I am the bad person because apparently I hurt people. I feel like a bad person and I am beating myself up over it I just feel like a complete failure and waste of space I feel like everything is my fault,Depression +9916,"The guy I (21F) like has been severely depressed for almost two years now. There have been times he completely blocked everyone out of his life. Now he is slowly getting better (meds and lots of therapy) but he is still very much depressed. I am always the one having to text first or arranging a walk for example. And even then he would be like: sorry i am too tired. Or Hmm maybe one day, but rn i simply do not care.Its ok. I understand. Most of the time.But sometimes i breakLast time he was drunk and suddenly started sending me snaps. (he never liked drinking and he is a real nerd. Its nothing like him to drink. Besides it influences his meds). So i got mad. I texted him that he is being childish (which he is) and that i would leave if he kept acting like this, because i do not recognize him anymore (i believe this personality switch is caused by his meds?).He is involved in self-destructive behavior. And his psychiatrist does not really tell him to stop doing stupid shit. His psychiatrist would be like: do whatever you like. So my problem: I am tired. I did many things for him: make a giant surprise box, two selfmade depression journals, drag him to the library with me, gave him summaries of classes, defend him around our friends, take him for walks, kept texting him.But Sometimes i break, and i hurt him. I know it makes him feel worse. Its because sometimes I simply do not understand why he hurts me so much. Why he can never truly say thank you for everything.I want to make an appointment with a therapist myself. To ask what depression really is and what i can do. How i can handle his emotionless state. And what i should not do. And i want to ask the guy i like if he thinks that is a good idea. (He already knows i read books about depression etc).He does not really talk about the way he feels. And tends to act funny all the time. I knw its fake. I even told him that. But for some reason he told me he does not know how to stop it and be himself.I also want to show him this sub.Any opinions about this? Or maybe suggestions? I feel guilty and frustrated all the time. My friends even tell me i am a clown for texting him. I know its not true. But after two years i am doubting myself.Thanks Please help me idk what to do",Depression +9917,"i love him so much, i want to watch him grow but I am not sure I am going to be good enough. my parents failed me, i really do not want to fuck this up. I turned 19 july 21st. I never ever intended to make it this far, i feel so fucking guilty for bringing a perfect angel into this horrible fucking world. I am supposed to be strong. I literally work in a psychiatric hospital what the fuck is wrong with me my son is turning one years old on 8/4",Suicidal +9918,"I am really begging to dislike my life so much, I am hoping some day I get the courage to kill myself because I am not enjoying life at all. I really do not like my life at all",Suicidal +9919,"Not entirely the way I phrased this but hear me out. For the past few months I have been going out and getting completely smashed, having a good time, doing funky drugs, and not worrying if I get sick, injured, arrested or even die. His mental health ridden past had taught him through his own experience that these behaviors are usually acted out by people with suicidal thoughts and more often the same people who would actually do it. Those like lil peep, Cobain, and a bunch of other characters have a similar experience with these things. If this is you you should probably seek some psychiatric help My dad told me I want to die",Suicidal +9920,"Also, how long did it last? Has your depression ever been in remission? What does it feel like for you?",Depression +9921,"I cannot stop thinking about suicide. Everyday I wake up with more pain and emotional torture than the day before. I bought a gun the other day just to see if I would have the stones to pull the trigger. I just graduated college and I cannot find a fucking job. I majored in a boring, same old, subject that I figured would get me a job but do not really enjoy. I wanted to write movies and songs about life but I have no path to get there. I think that it is time for me to go. My family is the only thing that gives me pause. I cried as I pet my dog today but he was happy as could be. Sometimes I wish I was just a brain-dead idiot who could happiness in just simply existing. I figure I should write letters to my friends to let them know why and that they are better without me. I do not matter in the grand scheme of things so why stay here for people to bitch about politics all the time and argue over ridiculous stuff. I cannot find love and doubt I ever will, no woman can love a man that hates himself, and hates living. I have come to accept this. Nothing matters. I never did and never will. I cannot get out of this train of thought and I might succumb to it soon",Suicidal +9922,"i miss the thrill of being used for sex, the adrenaline of SH, the anger with people i fucked when they wanted more.i need to fucking feel something. i had sex with a new person last night but it did not hit that spot in me that fucking BURNS for the high energy & high stakes of doing things that are not good for me. i am literally shaking bc taking care of myself is not hitting the spot i. need. it. to. i miss the r a g e",Suicidal +9923,I cannot take being sober I need drugs so I do not kms. what is something that is sustainable? Something to numb pain for a couple of months What drugs can I take so I do not kill myself until I see a psychiatrist for meds?,Suicidal +9924,"I know the obvious reasons such as family, friends, pets, etc. but I do not understand why I cannot be in control of my own death. If I want to die on my own accord why is it that I cannot speak on doing so without being sent to the psych ward. I am not willing to do the things I need to do to survive so why cannot I just die? Why is suicide so looked down on?",Suicidal +9925,"I am in my 20s, have a great job, university degree, goals for the future, beautiful fiancee, but I am afraid.I am scared that it will all be for nothing once I die. Like, what is the point if it will just disappear in the end? I am so attached to what I have now that I am afraid to be without it after I die. I am a paramedic, and I see death sometimes. It hurts me the most to imagine how loved ones must feel when they lose somebody close to them. The thought of losing my partner, or leaving her without me absolutely crushes me. My parents are getting very old and sick, and I have never felt loss anything like what I imagine it will feel like when they go.I guess I am just really afraid of dying and losing everything I have worked towards. I do not know what happens after death, I am not religious. I hope I do not just lose all consciousness of everything that happened in my life because I want to love those close to me forever, even after I die. I am afraid that everything in my life will just be a waste",Suicidal +9926,"I am so exhausted...Tired and broken. I am not anything to anybody anymore and everything is my fault. I did it to myself because I have always hated myself for being less than. I am not a good person, son, brother etc...I just do not see a reason for living much longer. I try to distract myself with porn and video games and the internet in general but its not working. I want to die. I NEED to die... I am watching myself age and sink further into utter ruin. I do not have a reason to live... The only thing holding me back is time... I want to die outside in the cold. I figure the least I could do is not kill myself in my mothers attic and have the nosy neighbors witness my body being carried out. Tired.",Suicidal +9927,"My parents are on vacation at the moment and its just me and my older sister home.I had my girlfriend over and we had sex, talked and watch a movie. I asked my sister yesterday if she could have slept over and she said no I know it was selfish and wrong of me to still take her home with me but I just wanted 1 day, just 1 day of not feeling terrible of just being myself.I have religious parents and just a religious family in general. I do not believe in anything and accept how they are and what they believe in but they still want me to be a certain way. I still remember when I was 16 years old and told my dad that I liked a girl and my mom and dads response was you do not know what love is and you are not allowed to be with anyone. I feel so fucking different from my family and I know it was selfish of me but yesterday was the one day I felt some resemblance of joy, I am 20 years old and I have been spending my whole life miserable and I have not been allowed to be myself and I just hate who I am because of what my family expects from me. My sister and my girlfriend kind of got into a bit of an argument because of it. I have never felt this way about anyone and yet still I have a hard time pursuing happiness. I have not eaten today and just laid in bed all day.I do not know why I am so different from the rest of my family, we all grew up the same way but I still ended up so different from my siblings and my whole family.Like I said I know it was selfish of me, but I just wanted 1 day of feeling different, 1 day of getting some rest and to just try and be happy instead of miserable. I do not know what is wrong with me and I am even sorry for writing this and venting about it, maybe I do not even deserve it. I did something too make me happy and it only caused pain. I guess I am just constantly going to feel isolated from my family.",Depression +9928,"Anyone familiar with Douglas Adams' Htchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series will understand, but I find the character Marvin and how others treat him hits a little too close to home. I have a long history of mental illness and it super fucks up my ability to interact with people in a healthy manner. I know others are uncomfortable around me because of how depressed I am. My existence is a chore to the people closest to me, and it makes me feel absolutely terrible for burdening them with my issues. I wish I could just be normal and have healthy social relationships with others :(I am so lonely Marvin The Paranoid Android",Depression +9929,"My brain is fucked up beyond repair due to being bullied both at school and at home by my parents.The mental scars will never heal,i keep having flashbacks of traumatic events,like when i was 10 and a school bully broke my nose. How do you think my parents reacted? They yelled at me and blamed me instead of the bully,they always used to call me names like useless,retard and the likes. My mother actually told me on several occassions that she wished she had aborted me.All of this took a great toll on my mental health,I am 28 now,got 0 social skills/self esteem/social life.have not talked to someone irl since i graduated high school ( when i was in high school i was the weird loner who kept to himself and did not speak unless spoken to).I am alone 24/7 ,still living in my parents (i have not talked to them in years) basement,got no motivation or energy to do anything. I feel drained and exhausted everyday even though i never do anything.it is hard to even think straight most days.cannot relate to anyone irl,i feel like I am on a different plane of existence,everyone else is normal and I am not. Pointless existence",Depression +9930,"I survived the Stoneman Douglas shooting and I **need** the memories gone. it is so fucking badEven if I get better the images, sounds and smells will never leave. We were nothing to him. How he looked at us at the time will not change. Being trapped in a classroom and have him alternate between ours and the one next to us.. He wanted to kill us so fucking bad. We were worthless to him and that is how I still feel. When it is finally over you are met with bodies in the hallway. The fear he gave me never left. Everything I feel is from HIM. it is like he will always be a part of me and I want him gone from my headTo the outside world you see thougths and prayers, flowers and stories how it made them stronger. It was a fucking massacre. You cannot therapy that experience away. When I go to sleep I know it will be there when I wake up. I do not want his decision to do what he did stay with me. Holy fuck it is so bad Survived a school shooting but it is stealing my life",Suicidal +9931,"I want to be able to talk to people about having suicidal thoughts, just because opening up about them would be extremely helpful, but I am terrified of being taken away against my will and locked up in a mental institution. I am not immediately suicidal, but I think about it a lot as a way out of my mental health collapses further I want to open up about suicidal thoughts, but am terrified of involuntary commitment",Suicidal +9932,"(I am sorry for my bad English) these last weeks I have been feeling like... I am nothing, my friends have been telling me that they want to stop talking to me and Idk why, one after another they keep saying that, other just ignore me. Also, I have noticed that I am not entertained with anything even with videogames that was what kept me happy, nowadays when I play videogames I just get bored, I do not even have people to hang out. I know that this post does not make sense, not even me know what I am writing, I just wanted to say this maybe hoping to feel better with myself. Sorry for wasting your time to whoever read this. I hope you have a great day. I do not feel like living neither dying",Depression +9933,It has been a long while since I achieved anything and mediocrity has become a constant.Although i want to kms it is making me reconsider what is actually important in life.It also hurts because I had so much potential and stuff that I wanted to achieve and supportive parents but I think it is irrelevant now that I have to go. If I could turn back time.,Suicidal +9934,"I am extremely depressed at home, I am 24 living at home, cannot leave house unless its for work purposes. my mom constaltly calls me a whore, she mentally and physically abuses my dad who is the sole breadwinner. I am thinking of contemplating either moving out when i save up 20k which is in abt 5 months from now or searching for a job(other than the one i have now, cannot stick to it bc mother will stalk me here) and starting to plan to move out (ill have abt 8k when i move out if i start planning now). What do you guys think therapy is of no help its truly my living conditions that is making me suicidal. sometimes its fine i do not have freedom so what i can just play games, but then i get triggered when my mom calls me a whore in an extremly mentally abusive way that i get suicdal. i may be at my breaking point I am experiencing back pain, heart aches, a lot of suicdal thoughts.so should i move out now (will have approx 8k ) or wait till i have 20k(5 months frm now) Please read and help me",Suicidal +9935,"I am the stereotypical ""hurr durr i hab big dreams"" guy. There are a hella lot of other people like me and I guarantee they will make it, but not me. I am a disgusting piece of shit. I am a mentally ill and diseased collection of atoms. I cannot even do a simple thing right and I am afraid of doing what I like because of the sheer insecurity I have. The biggest mistake I probably did was give out my real name and my ambitions like some sort of fuckin will, and then *living* the day after like nothing happened, being under support by a family with a rather severe case of stockholm syndrome and abusive behavier towards anyone that denies it. Oh as for my side, its a whole case of ""HURR DURR MY OLD 'FRIENDS' ONLINE ARE going to FIND ME!!!!! OOOOH!!! I am SO SCARED OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK???????? WHY DO I STIKL FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEM???????? WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THETLL COME BACK INTO MY LIFE FOR YHE WORSE?????? God I am such an selfish, self centered, narcissistic attention whore sociopath, I wish I had a fucking Remington v3 tac13 so I could pump a buckshot into my skull. Fuck this life Heh",Suicidal +9936,"I am extremely depressed at home, I am 24 living at home, cannot leave house unless its for work purposes. my mom constaltly calls me a whore, she mentally and physically abuses my dad who is the sole breadwinner. I am thinking of contemplating either moving out when i save up 20k which is in abt 5 months from now or searching for a job(other than the one i have now, cannot stick to it bc mother will stalk me here) and starting to plan to move out (ill have abt 8k when i move out if i start planning now). What do you guys think therapy is of no help its truly my living conditions that is making me suicidal. sometimes its fine i do not have freedom so what i can just play games, but then i get triggered when my mom calls me a whore in an extremly mentally abusive way that i get suicdal. i may be at my breaking point I am experiencing back pain, heart aches, a lot of suicdal thoughts. &#x200B;so should i move out now (will have approx 8k ) or wait till i have 20k(5 months frm now) Please read and help me",Depression +9937,"I wished for this. I literally took steps to get here. And all it makes me.... It makes me feel worse. Yeah my dates keep bailing on me, but people that once called me a best friend want nothing to do with me. Maybe I can reach out again, but chances are they will still ignore me. I literally brought this upon myself and it sucks. I mean, in high school, this is what I did. I boxed everyone out and only one person cared enough to stay. I thought I was happier then but no longer is it good for me. it is really just over. It really is. I burned those bridges and now I regret it but what am I going to do? I literally intentionally did it so it is not like it was not my fault. it is over with my friends. It sucks but it is. No more gaming groups no more talking about my problems no more helping others no more friends. I am no longer a priority and while I hate it it is my fault. And chances are, they do not care. And chances are, almost no one will care. I am not thinking about ending my life, and I am in therapy, but right now I am just working through trauma. This pain I am feeling feels endless and I only have a void inside to work with. I feel like I have lost all that I am. All that I was. Like I do not even stick to my motivation anymore. I definitely deserve this. When you make bad choices you have to live with the consequences. But it makes me feel empty. Like I am a horrible person. Like all my trauma weighs heavily. I cannot help but call myself terrible. I cannot help but insult myself. What am I supposed to do? Nothing. I do nothing. I leave all these people behind and I try again like I always have. I will be hurt for a while but eventually a new group will take me in only for me to abandon it. The times of happiness are getting shorter. From 4 years to 2 to less than a year and I already messed up. it is over man. Why try anymore. All I do is hurt people. I deserve no sympathy. I deserve no kindness. Someone who acts like me deserves nothing good. Can I even blame them for treating me like this? No. I wished for this and it came true. Jump onto the next train and hope and pray that maybe this next time I will stop sabotaging my own happiness. How am I supposed to care? Quick answer, I am not. No one can care about me. it is just over. Again, not ending my own life. Never will. Just living in a void and it is staring back. No smirk, no smile, no frown. Just nothing. I tried to box out my friends to avoid being cared about, and now they are ignoring me.",Depression +9938,"Maybe if I fucking died every goddamn thing would be fine. that is right, I am a weirdo, a freak, an attention whore",Suicidal +9939,"I am not sure if I am posting here as a sort of ""I finally reached peace"", or a ""wait, maybe this is actually a bad idea"". I know that killing myself is not the ultimate solution. But the consequences of my actions are so severe, that I cannot and do not want to go through life with them. There is no way out of what I did. (see previous post if curious)I have set a date. I know my method. I have arranged for the deliveries and the place. I am a doctor, like a fully licensed doctor with prescription powers. I have thought of thousands of combinations of medications that could kill me. But I have decided against pills. Too risky. Anyway, I will not discuss the method of my choosing. But I know it is painless. it is all I really want from it. it is not the suffering I want to get away from, it is the reflex of my body to stop that suffering that will stop my progress. This way, I will just fall asleep. I have set a date for my suicide. I feel nothing about it. I feel happy that I will die.",Suicidal +9940,I sleep so much throughout the day and no matter how much I sleep I am always tired and in like a kind of hard to describe emotionally weird place but right now I am just sad because I am about to go to sleep again and I just said goodnight when I did not want to again I would rather be spending time with people I love I feel like I am disappointing everyone and making them feel like I do not care and I hate myself for it I feel like I am not a good girlfriend or friend,Depression +9941,"it is been two weeks since we last spoke. she said she was not feeling alright and she went silent for a few days, before closing her account completelyshe shut down her twitter and linkedin accounts where she was active too. her last messages did indicate severe suicidal intent. i do not know what to do. i googled her but only cache versions of her accounts show upi do not have her family's phone numbers, though i know their names. i checked with her university via email and they are not replying because I am not alumna. please tell me what to do.... i believe my online friend has killed herself",Suicidal +9942,"Its only been a week but all the emotions I fought off for as long as I have been pregnant came rushing back. I wish I did not have to live anymore. Last week I had gone into labor and even though I survived it, part of me wishes I had not. I was scared to go but ready if it happened. I am sad my child has to be with a mother like me. I am useless and I hate myself always. I am hurting so much now I cannot even think out how to care for himhe luckily has a huge family on both sides to love and care for him. I am just fucked up in my head and heart to raise him well. I wish I had died giving birth to my child",Depression +9943,"For making me think I was safe! Like you actually cared about me or my fucking trauma or my fucking past that you were more than happy to say at the time was horrible but then what?&#x200B;Did I scare you off? Good. I told you I was a monster, I told you to run. You wanted to play pretend I suppose, as if that were some show of empathy. But no, you already had it in your head! You already knew you were not going to be sticking around, but you decided to let my blabber on, as if it is in anyway helpful!&#x200B;I have talked about this shit literally hundreds of times!! Alright?! Talking about it 1 more time with you is not going to suddenly make me all fucking BETTER!! So FUCK YOU!! and FUCK your stupid shit lies!! &#x200B;I do not need THIS SHIT!! F you!!",Depression +9944,I wana end my life b/c I do not see any acceptance for me in this society and if i do not care about society then next thing come is my job... i can not even make my living properly. I wana get better job. If ignore all these things then I think what is the in living alone this life (I do have any partner). Being gay has already make silent that I hardly speak in life I am 23yo gay,Suicidal +9945,"Just some thoughts - not really in any specific format, but just processing things as they came to my mind. So just a stream of consciousness. I write a lot that I will never share with anyone I know because I hardly talk to anyone anymore due to my anxiety and feelings of shame. I have not been ok for a very long time, and this does really feel like the end of things. &#x200B;I wish I would have done more actingI wish I would have gotten decent at drawing or art in generalI wish I was not so constrained in my action and expression because of how I thought people would look at meI wish I had learned to play an instrumentI wish I could have made it abundantly clear how important the people in my life meant to meI wish I had reached out when I was afraidI wish I had not disconnected from everything because of my shameI wish I did better by the people I care forI wish I could start overBecause there is nothing leftEmptiness and loneliness pervade my every waking hourThe loneliness is killing me, but I am afraid to speakI can no longer think, and happiness is rareTalking with people frees me sometimes, but I do not know how to talk with peopleI wish it had not gone this farI wish I were moreI wish I were not so brokenAll I wanted was to make people feel betterAnd I am just a burden on everyone is lifeSo maybe its best I continue to hideAnd DisappearIts all I am good atAnd I am ashamedHope has left meI have escaped into distraction, and almost all that I do I cannot feel joyIts only you that helped me get through the day,I do not know whyI do not know howAnd I feel so ashamed, and I cry about itAnd sometimes I cannot cry, because I feel so numb and disconnectedBut not for lack of wantingThis life was not meant for me,And I hope you will understand that I careI care so muchBut its all dust slipping through my handsBut you are everythingSo as long as you are happyI can only hope that you are happyBecause I care so muchIts the only feeling I have left sometimesday to day just hoping I can do anything to help me pass the timeI mourn that elapsed timeThere was nothing I could ever doThings do not always just get betterAnd I am so very afraidSo lostSo ashamed A collection of thoughts on an empty day",Suicidal +9946,I am sick of constantly having nightmares of the sexual abuse that happened to me. i can always remember it in vivid detail and it makes me sick to my stomach. i do not want to remember any of this anymore. i just want to die so bad so i do not have flashbacks and nightmares anymore. sick of reliving it all (tw: sa),Suicidal +9947,"I noticed when I have told my friends and family that I got Covid again and have to quarantine, I have had people not reach out to me to see how I am doing. Its like they feel some sort of pity for me and honestly makes me feel ashamed about myself. Nobody reaches out to me or calls me to see how I am doing. Not even my own family really cares. Its like they are supposed to care but not out of genuineness. What makes me livid is that they are still going out knowing fully well I have covid and I am quarantine in my room. I feel so lonely and unloved. Why do people ostracize you when you are going through a difficult time. I felt the same way when I went through melanoma cancer a few years back. I had some friends stop reaching out to me. Its awful and its like I am reliving all over again. Being stuck home alone has me depressed more than ever.",Depression +9948,I am at the fucking end i can not and want not to live anymore. Sometimes i laugh and be happy but that is just for short times because i do not realise the sadness when i am fake happy but i constantly have suicidal thoughts and often they are very strong. I think and plan for the last few weeks and constantly search for a good way for suicide but i think my perfectionism and ocd is the only reason because i do not find a worthy way to die. I am the person that searches for help but then does not accept it. I do not know what i should do i just want to dissappear in peace. being happy is like borrowing happiness and paying with sadness,Suicidal +9949,I am so sick of people telling me that! If I could choose to be happy I would have done it,Suicidal +9950,So let me first start by saying this I am grateful for what I have and I know that there are people that have less than me that have nothing and have already lost their lives. And I really wish that all of that factual evidence depleted every ounce of sadness and depression and anger that I have built up in my body and soul. I am a 21-year-old black girl from European dissent I have three brothers and one sister. I am blessed enough to live in a two parent household with parents that guide and watch over me very closely. At nature I try to believe that I have a very strong personality and that I am a very strong person. But in the past couple of months I have never felt more of an urge to be suicidal or because harm to myself then I have in the past two years. From 19 to 21 has been a absolute horror. I have gone through so much emotional stress I am pretty sure that I am clinically depressed I have been dealing with it on my own for a very long time now. I know my mindset is very dangerous I am such a talented and strong and smart individual I often times get disappointed with myself for wanting to end my life. But my depression and sadness is so overwhelming at times no matter what people say things never get better. Not to mention my family does not necessarily see the reasons for my distress. So fixated on my ever gleaming future they seem to forget that I have been sitting in the same spot for the past two years depressed lonely I always wondered what it would be like to have sleeping problems but I guess now I know. If this is hard now why would I want to continue life so it can get harder I train physically to try and give myself something to focus on and now that is not even enough I am being ridiculed for being too muscular I cannot find a boyfriend because I am too intimidating and lonely I have no friends well none that are genuine anyway and that upsets me because I am a genuine person and they say the remedy to all of this is time but I do not want to wait any longer. I do not think I can Last straw,Depression +9951,"I need to die Kill me,I really cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +9952,"Tell me your reasons for being suicidal. Hey,do not do it please.",Suicidal +9953,"When the pandemic started, I found myself without a job. Having also withdrawn from a practicum program which I was in to become a teacher (withdrew due to receiving abuse from a supervisor; I have no more passion for teaching kids), I started 2020 with the hope that I can find a better career, a full-time 9-5 office job hopefully. Pandemic turned this all around. I only have a part-time job and self-employment gig. A good thing is that the employer likes my work and gives me more hours and responsibilities, but I am unsure if my job field is suitable for me in terms of income and stability. I do not even know the full reality of this job (adult education), since we have not gone back to an in-person setting yet. After I find out more, I can decide to go back to school to get more credentials. I tell myself, ""let us wait until September when we go back in person"" and ""let us wait until I successfully finish this project next year so I can leave a good impression,"" but I am 25, and I just feel so behind. Just so behind because at this age, I have not even decided my career, have no full-time job, and most of all, still live with my family. I feel like an adult baby. Since the job is remote, I am stuck at home most of the time. It is so boring but most of all, it utterly feels suffocating to be at home because I am left with my ruminating thoughts filled with self-resentment. I feel so guilty every time when I do my hobbies. I tell myself, ""A loser like me cannot waste time away enjoying hobbies."" After getting vaccinated, I have been doing day trips to escape the dullness of my home and rumination. However, these day trips are just temporary escapes, and I am back to 0 when I come back home. I desperately want to move out (I can afford a room rent with my income), but I just feel so lifeless insideafraid to try anything new. This is different from how I was last year when I was extremely busy. I have no motivation to do anything. After I finish work, I just lay on my bed and use social media that makes me feel worse. I have no energy to go for a walk, let alone do self-improvement. I tried to do CBT on my own but had no energy to continue. I tried to look for a low-cost counsellor, but counselling did not do miracles for me, and I feel hopeless. I just want to escape, but there is no escape. I feel trapped inside. Any advice on coping with this somehow? I have no outlet to discuss this with anyone, so at least it feels good to write it down here. tl;dr - Stuck at home with self-resentment due to my bleak career options. Still living with my family. Feeling no motivation and just lifeless in general. I am stuck in limbo. I have no motivation and hope for the future",Depression +9954,"Depressed, worthless, ugly, lonely, stupid sack of shit. Why could not I have had the balls to off myself those other twenty times? I am just a disappointment in all honesty, I do not pull my own weight in this world, I am just a leach to my family.I do not have a damn job, I am too lazy and shy to even go get one. I am sorry for everyone in my life, my family and friends, because I am just a leach feeding off of them for money, shelter, food, and happiness and good times. I am not worth their time.All I do everyday is wake up, eat, play video games, and go to sleep. Why cannot I just die in my sleep like maybe things would be better for everyone.I want to disappear from the world cuz I do not belong in it, useless, unwanted, worthless. I hate existing",Suicidal +9955,"I feel like I am a prisoner to strong mood swings, in a way that I never was before. In undergrad I would just do work all the time and would generally have a stable mood as a result. However now my mood can change so fast, like one moment I would be out with friends having a great time and enjoying life, whereas the second I get back home I just feel lonely and craving validation (from women) and sometimes (like now) I would feel lazy and useless and like I do not even deserve food because of how much of a useless waste of resources I am. Really strong mood swings",Depression +9956,"And anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar. The Suicide Hotline is a joke, decent therapy costs a shitton, hell even some subreddits on here have an account age/karma lock. Wtf? I am here for help you goons I do not have time to boost my imaginary points or wait until my account is old enough just post on a fucking self help subreddit.Technically there is help everywhere but they are all behind various paywalls. it is all pointless and I really wish it was not because I do need help but no one wants to help me. I am over it. There is no real ""available"" help.",Suicidal +9957,"it is an honest question because sometimes when this feelings try to fight their way up I am usually doing or thinking anything that can take my mind of it and sometimes when I think about maybe letting this feeling have their moment, I feel this big load of tiredness like it costs me energy that I do not have. It does not make sense to me because those are my feelings and I have dealt with them pretty heavily for many years, so why do they suddenly seem so overwhelming? I mean they are my feelings, I know them and they have always been there but suddenly I always feel so uncomfortable about them and it is weird when I feel the tears come but then a sense of tiredness comes over me and I cannot cry anymore. Is this just normal? Normal for people who have had some though times? It just feels weird to be overwhelmed with my own emotions. Too tired to feel? Does that make sense?",Depression +9958,"Dad rejects and refuses to try and understand or help me get through the negative emotions and suicidal thoughts I feel. He guilt trips me and makes me the bad guy all the time even if something is not my fault. Hes recently guilted me into keeping a full-time job and trying to go to college full-time. That means 50-60 hours of my week will be for work and school. I no longer have a social life (besides my gf), I no longer enjoy my hobbies, and just existing in general is actually physically exhausting. My mom died 5 years ago so I cannot talk with her about my issues and my stepmom does not seem to care much. I also got diagnosed with T1 Diabetes 2 years ago and having a chronic illness also makes life physically and mentally painful. So about 2 years ago my dad and I got in a 2 hour argument about how I was feeling mentally and he said You know what? let us just not talk anymore. At all. I know you love me and I love you too but that does not mean we have to like each other! Whenever we see each other well try to be friendly but other than that let us just avoid each other. he legit said that after I told him I feel like he does not try to help me mentally or try to understand how I feel and why I feel that way. He was ready to just kick me out of his life. That tells me he does not actually give a crap about me as much as he says he does. Just knowing that my only blood parent that I have left feels that way about me is just painful. I have had enough of this life. I have a plan to kill myself already, I just need to get the courage to go through with it. Thanks for reading. Life is too much",Suicidal +9959,"I feel like everything is soooo hard. Simple things like showering, brushing my teeth, going to the store (I also have social anxiety/agoraphobia/PTSD) Everything feels like a struggle. Like I am fighting against life constantly. Do other people just make it look easy or is it easier for some people to just live? Why does everything feel so fucking hard? Is life just easier for some people?",Depression +9960,"I cannot deal with it anymore, the constant battle of fighting my head about everything. I do not eat properly and its fucking with my own self image, I have the want to eat more and look better but the thought of actually pushing myself overwhelms me, I have tried reading so many diet plans but I cannot do it.I do not find enjoyment in playing games anymore, I feel like my friends have forgotten about me when I play games with them because I could not because of work. I am shit at relationships, I am a dickhead sometimes and now I am single again, I cannot be single, it fucks me seeing anyone else in a relationship, whether its in real life or on a TV show or anything, I just start overthinking and cannot do anything but just sit there and wallow in self pity.I am not working right now because of trying to kill myself (I even fuck that up) and I feel like I am fucking attention seeking just not working , we are already understaffed and now I am making things worse by sitting here doing nothing to help.I have not done anything but sit in my room and cut my entire left leg until the stinging shuts this fucking OCD up, what the fuck is wrong with me, why cannot I be happy. Its taking another week for the therapists to get back to me on how to handle this entire situation but I do not think Ill make it until then, things are just getting more shit by the second.what is the fucking point, fuck everything, why cannot I just be normal and happy, why cannot I just tell that stupid fucking voice to shit up. Fuck this. OCD is killing me slowly",Suicidal +9961,"I am so sick of being the most useless person I know, I never get anything right no matter how hard I try. I am a waste of a fucking human I am so fucking done.",Suicidal +9962,"i wish the united states (my country) legalizes euthanasia soon. or else I am going to fly my ass over to belgium, where it is readily available.",Suicidal +9963,"I am tired, I feel like shit 24/7. The older I get the worse things become. I am the youngest of 3. I am in my late 20s now and everyday is just as shitty as the next. People want nothing to do with me, I am ugly, every interaction I have has so much negativity towards it its ridiculous. I can just sense the awkwardness and how much someone wants nothing to do with me. People do not want to talk to me or look at me. It gets hard. It gets harder when you see how people treat others so differently. I mean your own parents do not like talking about you and in all honestly they wish you would just get the fuck away. Like I do not exist. I know everyone secretly hates me and it in all honestly it all comes down to appearance. If I did not get trapped with the worst fkn genetics life would be soDifferent. I would kill to be either one of my brothers. Life is just natural for them, they have friends and no constant reminder of how unwanted they are by society and any one for that matter. Like everyone has a general understanding of their own self awareness and where they stand among others. Like my own self is such ass. I am not lovable. I also have an underlying body infection that I believe has messed with my mental and physical health severely. However I think about to high school and college days and I have always been a loser/loner since I can remember and its all because of the negative feedback I feel from others like it sucks. Its to the point now that if I kill myself now no one will bat an eye. I just cannot go on anymore",Suicidal +9964,"Only a couple months away, everything is planned, Ill be killing myself by asphyxiation with nitrous. There is nothing you or anyone else can do to help me. I be killing myself on my birthday.",Suicidal +9965,I go to a random parking lot in the Tdot park my benz and Overdose in the backseat tonight would anyone notice? Nah because people only care about you if your at the same status. My so called friends left once I got myself financially good. So I doubt anyone would give a fuck about this bitch. What if,Suicidal +9966,"So many years with 0% social life, if someone knows me I Iliterally disappear from their lives, I am in comfort being alone but I need someone to talk ahhh idk what I want. I want friends but I do not want friends",Depression +9967,"I have been doing so well. Then out of nowhere, I am having mid-day cry sessions for no reason and catch myself laying in bed wondering if I could really do it this time. Why am I this way? How do you get better when you do not know why you are so sad all the time? All the therapy and meds in the world cannot compete with this feeling and I am just so lost.I am exhausted. I am sad. I am alone even though I am surrounded by support. I just cannot stand my own mind. I wish I was someone else. Its Back",Depression +9968,Any reason to live past high school? So,Suicidal +9969,"Hi there. I am 17 (18 by the end of the year) and needing to go on antidepressants. I have been struggling with depression + severe suicidal thoughts since I was 12, among other mental illnesses, and I finally have the motivation to seek help. Does anyone know where I start? Can I just call my GP and set up an appointment? I went through camhs when I was 13-14, but they were beyond useless.Any help is appreciated. Thanks. Accessing antidepressants in the UK",Depression +9970,"I am lost. I do not know what to do. Lost my families savings in the stock market. When I say families I mean my wifes. My wife has come to terms with it and forgave me. But she does not know in that was also about $20,000 of her parents money. I did not know that fully at the time (not that it makes it better.) I have two children, both boys (8,2). They adore me and I absolutely love them. Other than what happened my life is alright for the most part, could always be better but I cannot complain. I know a lot of people have it worse and I always try to stay positive. But this is just killing me, and when my wife or her family finds out about this is going to get really ugly. I often find myself thinking it will be really nice to just not wake up. I feel like that is a bit selfish but its just how I feel. My family would get a nice life insurance policy and it would settle the funds I lost. Again I know other people have it worse and I am sorry I feel bad for even coming her and venting like this. But its getting scary for me where I am getting more and more depressed and thinking some dark thing. do not know what to do.",Depression +9971,"**PLEASE NOTE** - This is fairly long. I will try to make it as interesting as I can however. I talk about life, mine and in general. Hope someone at least takes something personal from it. I just want to get some things off my chest. ThanksI have made one post before, again, just read, no need to respond if you do not want to. Communicating in general is hard. do not feel compelled to respond, no one should feel forced here. Going to talk a bit about myself and what I have been through, but thhej move on to talking about depressiok and life a whole./////My History with depression:I have felt socially outcast and alone ever since my first school class back when I was 4 years old. I was never sure why and still am not, but it is affected me all the same. I was born into a pretty poor family, my parents where under 20, mother was an artist and my father was a soldier. It was accidentally and they ended up splitting up due to the stress. My mum moved to a city in various houses, as she got into relationships with guys. Unfortunately my mum was poor, and had little help for taking care of me, so made a buisness so she could work from home to look after me. The partners she had where all very abusive To me and my mum. About this time school started for me. I had never played with other kids so just did not know how to act. The noise when I went in that classroom was fucking deafening. In my head I felt scared, and just starting crying. I could not control it. Was like that all my first year. Second year came and home life changed a bit but not for the better. My muk started to get very sick. She had very rare heart condition, schone's complex i think it is called. Causes her to have mini strokes and be very fatigued. Of course this kind of broke my mum a but, she was already pressured by all of it before the disease. I became her carer a little at home, getting her food and stuff. Not great but this year I made a friend, started playing with him all the time. A Ramble while high - Being not sober as often as I can, not to hide emotions, but to actually enjoy life.",Depression +9972,"I get these brief 5 seconds of motivation and hope, I can be like everyone else, stable and successful. Then my brain brings me back to reality, and reminds me of how I cannot. Every time I go to apply for jobs on Indeed or try to write down some sort of plan for the future, I just cannot do it. I physically feel nauseous thinking of having to be strong and try everyday. I want it all to end now. I do not want to build something for myself, I do not want to be successful. I just want to be air or a cloud. I do not like being human. Every time I have cared about someone, I lose them because I can become obsessive. My first crush landed me in the psych ward for 2 weeks because he did not like me back. that is what waiting for me whenever I catch feelings again. I cannot take this pain and I wish not to feel it. The bad significantly outweighs the good. I do not want to try anymore.",Suicidal +9973,"Its so bad, I have the most enlightened mindset. I help my friends with advice and am good at sparking the will to live in others and have helped others through some of the darkest shit. I know the ups and downs and ins and outs but I still keep slipping into this mode of self destructive behaviour. I keep saying I am going to end up killing myself, I know my people love me and it will hit everyone like a train because they probably think I am great. I have to say my happiness gone my mind is numb. I have suffered with physical pain with my spine and dental problems. I have trouble eating swallowing things does not work. I am waiting on an operation. I am totally aware of how this should not be the case when I have so much good around me. I am so grateful for the effort that has been spent on trying to give me a boost into living in this society. I have a holiday booked and still just do not have hope. I turned to Reddit I cannot turn to anyone or cannot bring myself to worry them. Lost soul",Suicidal +9974,"I was thinking jumping from a really high building, I am talking over 5 storey is that enough ?Anyways i could not find a definitive response online so I am asking on reddit , i do not want advice how to get over , i just do not want to remain handicapped , i do not have a gun and i do not know where to get the pills at so jumping from the top of the building is the best option. Is a 5 storey building enough?",Suicidal +9975,"22. Drinking. Smoking. Wishing I could find a way to not feel like I need others. This world feels fucked to me but I am just going to ride it out. Hope you are all doing well. If you are in this subreddit I am guessing you are not fuckin doing well, lol. Well, regardless, there are people like me who feel the way you do and think about the people like you, like me, and how we fit in this world. I know I am never alone but tell that to my brain when I start to spiral. Anyway this is a throwaway. Only love to anyone who reads Does it ever get better",Depression +9976,"TW mention of self-harm/ suicideMy depression has gotten really bad the past few weeks. Suicidal and self-harm thoughts are happening more often, and in general I just feel very gloomy and hopeless and anxious and awful. I am going through some pretty huge life changes right now as well, so I am really overwhelmed. I can feel myself slipping into a depressive episode, which has not happened in over a year. Old habits are starting to show up again, I am really scared of myself and scared of what might happen if I do not get help soon. I do not think I will act on my thoughts but still, I thought the same thing a year ago and I was wrong. Not asking for pity I just do not trust myself to take care of me, yk?A month ago I scheduled an appointment with my therapist, but her next available appointment is in another month, and I honesty do not know what will happen if I wait that long to get professional help. I am not saying I am going to kms but I am just scared for my well-being.I think staying at a mental hospital would really help me because I just want a break from all of the stressors in my life and I do not want to lay in my bed all day, which is unavoidable at this point. I just want a break from my life and the ability to get out of this mindset or at least prevent it from getting worse. At a hospital, there would be people to help me get better and keep me busy, so I think a mental hospital is the best option. I do not know what else to do, but I really feel like I am a bomb waiting to blow up. What do you think I should do? I am just indecisive and bad at trusting my own judgement. Thanks Should I admit myself into a mental hospital?",Depression +9977,"I am trying to grasp the ""reality"" of my situationReality: i cannot sustain myself. Between catatonia, quite literally not eating or drinking for days because i forgot and cannot feel to ahedonia and avolition, i will never be able to just take care of myself. Reality: reality is not even real. Everyday i wakeup, and i forget what I have done yesterday. I forget the names and functions of random objects at times. Somedays things are almost okay. But those days will never makeup for the days that are not. I cannot live alone",Suicidal +9978,I am in a very dark place right now... would anybody like to talk? Would anybody like to speak?,Suicidal +9979,"Then I realize that friends are an artifical construct engineered by our psyche to suppress the existential dread of mindlessly wandering through the universe without meaning, significance, or consequence. Then I really miss the feeling of being around friends. Sometimes I really miss my friends",Suicidal +9980,the feeling of being impure and dirty never leaves. its been more than 8 years and i never forget it. its like there is always a darkness covering my body that follows me everywhere. i still feel his fingers on me and his voice in my ear. i just want it to end so bad. being molested,Depression +9981,"it is really fucking annoying to be perceived as crazy because of one dumbass word.Every opinion i ever form, every sentence i say that people do not like is dismissed because I am ""crazy"" and ""schizophrenic"". I wish my first attempt worked before i was forced into therapy. I hate knowing nobody in my life takes me seriously Perception",Suicidal +9982,"for some context I am 19, work in a trade and experienced some dark shit when i was 11. no one in my household or work believes mental health is a big deal. while i have friends, only one of them is close enough to confide in, and most of them are currently on a night out i was not invited to. this is the lowest I have felt in years. I have just accidentally insulted my closest friend to the point she will not talk to me after she texted me during a slump and i snapped at her (yes, i apologised very sincerely). the guilt of upsetting her on top of the state i was already in has pushed me to tears for the first time in 2 years, and I am not sure how ill cope without being able to vent somewhere. idk if any of this is normal, and I am terrified that my mental state has deteriorated this badly recently.so thank you if you have read this, even if you do not respond. cried for the first time in 2 years",Depression +9983,"I just tried selfharm by stabbing my arm multiple times with razer, and boy did it feel soo much better. Now I know why some people do it it is like a natural medicine Wow",Suicidal +9984,"I thought depression was something that could go away again, but now I am starting to realize that it probably never gets better actually - the best you can hope for is a zombie-state-life on medication where you cannot feel any euphoria from movies, music etc. When you get older you just lose your ability to feel profound emotions from stuff? I am only 22, but i feel like i have already experienced this decline since i was 14-15 when i started to feel really depressed. it is been 7-8 years now, and the only thing that made life worth living for me was smoking weed and being high 24/7, which you can only do for so long. Now I am back to being sober because weed was driving me completely insane and was having panic attacks everyday, and i feel completely depressed every single day wanting to kill myself. I cannot even get on medications because i accidentally told my doctor about my former weed habit, so they want me to be 6 months sober before prescribing any medication. I just wanted to ask in here, does it get better? is it a real thing, or is it just a myth.Otherwise I am ready to kill myself honestly, because I am not going to fight a losing battle any longer. Does it ever get better?",Depression +9985,"This is it. This is adulthood. I cannot fucking believe i was forced into this mess because two morons suffered from a lack of critical thinking. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?I never suffered a day in the void. Nothing fucking bothered me but now i got to go to work. Fuck off. Why dad? Why could not you just keep in your pants. A literal seconds spares me decades of suffering. But no, pulling out required empathy. Asshole.This is it. This is adulthood. There is no magical man in the sky. There is no afterlife. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no reward for my suffering. There is no magical rainbow. My soulmate does not exist. Nobody is coming to save me. Nobody gives a shit. There is no meaning. There is no purpose. The universe was a mistake.It was all a mistake. The universe was a mistake. I would erase everything if i had the infinity gauntlet, i would. Without a doubt or hesitation. It would spare trillion upon trillion of sentinel beings. Ending everything would be an act of pure empathy. No amount of happiness can out way our suffering and inevitable death. How could any god create this place? is he dumb? Does he not care? Is he dead as well? Fuck him or her or it, whatever the fuck it is. How could it?I cannot see the bright side of life. There is no bright side without ignorance. My ignorance is long gone. I challenged lifes values and looked into the void, and now i wish to have no part of life troubles. I wish i could erase myself. i want to free from the shackles of life.So much suffering for no reason. Over a million suicides per year. Cancer. Heart disease. Stroke. Diabetes. The list goes on forever, and for what? Nothing. To end up in the dirt, slowly eaten by bacteria and maggots. What a cruel joke.I wish i killed myself at 15. I truly do. Would have spared myself. I should have finished resident evil 4 for the last time, ate two chocolate donuts, jacked off and blew my brains out. I should have. Nothing was worth it. Like cioran said, you always kill yourself too late. He was right.I do not want to grow up,i do not want to be a productive member of this life cult. I do not want to be a so-called adult. I refuse all of this. I want out. Let me die. I refuse all the responsibilities that were FORCED upon me. I do not want a job. I do not want to pay taxes. I do not want any of this shit. Leave me alone or let me die.This is it. it is only going to get worse. is not it? I wish someone loved me. Maybe i would not think this way. I refuse to be an adult. i refuse all of this shit. I am not just another number in the machine. How dare my parents impose life upon me? Who gave them the right?Fuck humanity. Fuck life, the universe was a mistake. I cannot believe i was dragged into this shitshow.",Suicidal +9986,"I went out (further than my local store) for the first time in many years today. Ever before the pandemic I had not been out in a while due to depression and the increasingly massive weight gain it caused. For years i have been living and working in a small bedroom alone wearing the same pair of ripped leggins everyday. Recently I have been trying to diet and get out of my funk, and I thought I was ready to go out and enjoy the day! I made a special effort to dress properly and put on make-up etc. I knew I did not look GOOOD but I thought I was pretty innocuous, at least...but I could not even walk a few hundred metres without people making fun of me and mimicking my walk (waddle, I guess)It happened two separate times this morning and I have been crying ever since. Its pathetic....I thought I was getting better but today has just proved I am not, and likely will not without professional help which just is not coming. My mum (she is the one who came with me today, since I have no friends lol) called the mental health crisis team and my GP earlier today; both just kind of shrugged and said that thoughts and threats of suicide were not enough for them to intervene, I would have to try st first. Now my mum is frustrated because its 1AM and I am still sobbing! She said she is not going to spend time with me like this again because of my bad attitude which means I have absoloutely NOBODY Anyway I hope everyone else is doing better haha. Any tips on how to get through the night without waking my mum up crying again? What should have been a nice day made me realise its time to go",Suicidal +9987,"Since April 16th, my top-floor apartment has been leaking (the roof needs repairs) so every time it is rained, it has rained in my home. Dirty, rusty, rain water filtered through the rooftop deck/external roof, onto the floors and countertops. I have maintained it with a bucket, a towel, mopping excessively. At one point during the heatwave in late June, the water dripping from the rooftop had found its way into the basement, landing on and corroding my unit's water heater. You want to be stressed out and unable to shower during a heatwave, all the while being billed for rent? Trust me, it blows. In just one spot alone, I have collected at least 2 gallons of dirty water. The rest landed onto the floor and therefore, into the unit below me. My whole living situation has really taken its toll on my mental health. Waking up in the middle of the night to a small noise, and then panicking that the ceiling's collapsed is awful. The last contractor in here said ""do not be afraid if it falls, its light weight material"" which just prepped me for it actually falling. Anyway, the city inspector is filing a report, and hopefully this will be fixed soon. But I feel vulnerable/unsafe from the wetness/leaking/potential-definite mold growth, terrified about further damage, and so, if days/weeks/months from now, and I am not here----- hell, I know who is to blame. If I do it, it is my landlord/leasing agent's fault (that is you <name>)",Suicidal +9988,"So I met this girl on tinder 1 1/2 years . We became friends with benefits because as an attractive man I run into a lot of women who only likes me for my looks but breaks up with me because my depression is so bad. And to mention between us two I was the more attractive one and she leaned more towards average. I was 22 when we met and she was 18. I enjoyed her intelligence and could look past the obvious difference in attractiveness. She took the time to understand my mental health and stuck by me through my issues. I also help her with her family issues because her father was emotionally abusive and her mother is classified as psychotic but refuses help. As time went on we became increasingly involved with each other romantically and sexually which we both always consented to. My mother kicked me out so I wanted to get an apartment and she offered to be my roommate because she could not handle her father any longer. We finally got the apartment and it was like a dream come true we were always happy and barely argued and had more sex than we could even imagine. We adopted a kitten and I worked over night at Lowes as mst so I could barely stay awake to take care of the chores. And when I would be awake I would finally relax and play the Xbox for a little. She did not have a job and was paying rent with unemployment checks. Once unemployment ended I had to take care of the bills untill she could find a job 2 months later. I helped her start a tarot business and that brought in no where close to the amount required for rent. Though I still supported her even after also paying late fees. So when it comes to my depression and suicidal thoughts its random and the only way Id cope is by making music , gaming and smoking weed. Her grandpa caused me to lose my job because he would always drop me off late even though I was paying him . So I was coping with this failure with my usually vices while she finally was hired . But I did not get the same support I displayed for her when she did not have a job . Music was paying the rent until my song was stolen by bk the rula. So I was in the deepest void that I have ever been in because this apartment was my first attempt at independence. She usually took acid at least 3 times a month for meditative reasons and suggested that I should try it because someone said it helps with depression and self realization. I was skeptical so I did not take it until 2 months later. She planned on taking it at the same time so I finally consumed it. The problem is she did not take hers and went to bed. I did not know this and began feeling the effects. At first it was pleasant and gave me this feeling of joy and an unwavering arousal. But then things took a really bad turn . I owned color changing led lights and the walls felt like they were closing in on me. All i could think about was killing myself; nothing felt real thus convincing me that if I died nothing would matter or be concrete. I started punching myself and trying to rip out my hair. Then for some reason the flashing light got faster and increasingly vivid. I felt as if I was falling into my mattress while dying 1000 different ways in my mind but my thoughts felt like reality. Nothing existed but my sad scarred soul. I finally convinced my broken mind to get up and ask her for help . I was gripping the sheets trying to find something that felt real or I would have surely slit my own throat. Of course the feeling of arousal never left because that was the first reaction I received after consuming the substance. So her being the only woman I was intimate with I always felt comfort in her breasts and she has always consented prior to this incident. So for sum reason while under the influence I felt that her Boob was the most concrete thing in my reality so I held it while being the big spoon. She instantly told me to back off so I got up and left immediately feeling shame loneliness. I felt meaningless and was convinced that I was truly alone and should not exist. I lost my mind in my room until I passed out. The next morning I was finally coming down and was beyond traumatized. I spoke to her and explained what happened but all she could focus on is how she was traumatized from me holding her boob. I reminded her that we shared a bed every other day and that cuddling like that is a normal occurrence because we loved each other and pretty much was dating without a label. She finally seen it from my side and understood how scary it might have been for me. She held me and told me she was sorry and that she should have noticed what was going on.she offered to have sex to make me feel better but I declined because I am not into sexual pity. Also my depression has extremely increased since I have took the acid. The next morning I woke up and she was gone. She just abandoned the apartment and left me with the cat and half of my property was locked in her room. She did not come back until the last day and told everyone in my family and her friends that I sexually assaulted her. I was hurt and confused because I was left with a kitten and was losing my apartment that I worked so hard for. I paid for everything in there all she owned was a few things in her room. And to say I sexually assaulted her is a defamation to my image and character because I have never forced myself upon her .so I was angry , heart broken and betrayed so I attempted suicided by slicing down my wrist with a razor and the razor was pretty much half way lodged into my wrist . My mom found me before I could bleed out and rushed me to the er. When I got back home I got into the locked room grabbed all my things and sum evidence (her diary that she started when we first moved in) and left with my kitten. Till this day she will not talk to me and is telling people I sexually assaulted her . Am I in the wrong ? The experience in that room full of lights still replays in my head and haunts me to this day . My friend who was once raped twice in the Dominican Republic says that this situation does not count as sexual . Can anyone give me advice on how to cope or what should I say to her or if I should take legal action? This would have never happened if I did not believe her and took the acid as a cure for depression. I was stupid for being so nave but therapy does not work and I am not up to taking any man made medications anymore . I just wanted to feel normal for once but I ended up feeling worse than when i started.Sorry for any misspelling and grammatical errors. My fwb/roommate betrayed me and claims I sexually assaulted her but I do not think I did, and I still love her. This caused me to lose my first apartment.help!",Suicidal +9989,Literally rn i have atleast 20+ deep cuts on my wrist just bc I ate a sandwich uhm its not stopping. And a rag now is covered in blood my whole arm burns like hell. Also if you know you know but I really fuckn wish that 2 nights ago I never said anything to you bc I would of done it if I have not. Love you I swear,Suicidal +9990,I am asking suicidal people. How do i prepare myself for suicide?,Suicidal +9991,I have ended up minamising my past sexual trauma to the point where I am not sure if I even deserve the right to be effected the way I was and still am. Even when people knew it was never given the right amount of care. People just moved on after a week or two and I am still left suffering from it over a year later.it is just got to the point where I am almost convincing myself that I do not have any right to feel how I do. I really wish I was just given the same care that majority of people who go through what I do are.it is not fair man I know this will not leave much room for input but I just want to say it somewhere and to someone,Depression +9992,I cannot function like this. Constantly sad and worried with a dark cloud over my head. When will this end. I am only alive for my little sister. CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE. Cannot take this any more,Depression +9993,I am tired of living in a world full of judgment and killing each other I am tired of my family criticizing me and my sisters weight every time i get them in trouble unintentionally i feel guilty like its my fault i feel like I am holding everyone else weight I am tired of having people always coming to me with there problems but they never ask how I am really feeling i feel tired i feel overworked i feel underachieve I am tired of people always expecting more from me I am tired of people always making fun of my sister saying she is fat I am tired of people always making fun of me saying I am skinny what are we supposed to be? I am tired of this judgmental society I am tired of living i want to die is that wrong? I am tired,Suicidal +9994,I feel like a loser. 18 male still virgin. Akward af. Geez,Depression +9995,"i have severe depression and my episodes can last for months, so I have been feeling suicidal for weeks on end. but I am confused bc today is just weird, idk why I am suicidal rn even though nothing fucking happened. I am just tired. yesterday was really bad bc i started thinking about how there is no point in doing anything when I am just going to continue to be sad. i do not see the point in doing hobbies or watching things to cheer me up when I am just going to go right back to being depressed after its done.i have therapy, i have meds, I have been doing things that people have told me would help but nothings working. i think I am just one of those people where life is not for me. I am so exhausted",Suicidal +9996,"This is very important to me so if anyone could help it would be very appreciated We love each other to pieces.. but we fight a lot, find it hard to understand each other, have a lot of temper tantrums when speaking about more sensitive topics and cannot seem to find a way to talk about more sensitive things without it becoming a fight. He has been very depressed for months and whenever he has a depressive episode he hides, he does not really want to see anyone nor talk, and I myself am someone who suffers from anxiety so when something happens I have the urge to talk about it immediately so we have a problem with that. I have been trying to see my mistakes and trying to change for the better so he feels a little bit more supported and maybe to try and ease the tension in the relationship, to bring a little bit of more peace into it so it can be a safer space for the both of us, but I really want to know how to make this work I currently go to therapy but he does not since his last therapist was not really good with him unfortunately Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these kind of problems? I love this boy to pieces.. it means the world to me whenever I hear him laugh or see him smile, i wish it could always be this way. i (18F) really want my relationship with my boyfriend (18M) to survive.. but our mental health is getting on the way. any advice?",Depression +9997,I am just here the only emotion I feel is loneliness I am on my own all day do not really speak to many people I feel like I am in limbo/purgatory nothing is happening and I cannot get out I have no money (which I can spend) so I cannot even go out anywhere and do activities I take regular walks daily And if I am honest I cannot see my life changing I am just existing,Suicidal +9998,"I shower only when I wash my hair, once a week. I do not go to the doctor's when I have an issue, I wait it out. I cannot keep track of documentation (like prescriptions, uni documentation...). I constantly lose everything and have to ask if I can have it printed out again. I struggle with brushing teeth. I hate myself for it.I reschedule appointments or just do not show up. have not been to the orthodontist in like 6 months. Barely managed to take my pet to the vet. I started to neglect my pets. This is something I am terrified of. Please help if you have any advice. I cannot function anymore. Advice please?",Depression +9999,"Hello. I tried hanging myself just now, and I had a little bit of trouble with doing so. I did not realise how much I weighed, even though I am skinny, I thought the allotment would at least hold me, but it did not. I do not want to leave my house, I do not like going outside. have not been out for a while. I am just contemplating so much right now. Its crazy to think I took all these baby steps, too where I am now... Alone, in a room of pitch black darkness, one light on, and hoping for death. I have tried overdosing, I have tried a lot... I keep asking, why in everything I do, am I kept alive? I am just so tired now, so heartbroken, no friends, no family other than my poor mother, who has to watch my struggle everyday. I cannot put her through it, all this psychology stuff, but then I cannot just leave her. Why does it have to be so hard? Where is this good life I have been promised growing up? Where did I go wrong? What made me who I am? Where is that family who told me they would always be here, then threw me away? Why cannot I leave? Where is God? Where is the old me? Well...",Suicidal +10000,"half 2, ik wil mn brein uit mn kop schieten en niks meer voelende laatste dagen is een achtbaan van een top die ik nog nooit heb gevoeld naar een dieptepunt waar ik hoopte nooit meer te komenik wil nu op mn fiets stappen, donker of niet, ik wil op mn bankje zitten voor de laatste nog even kijken naar dat mooie uitzicht, en dan niks. ik wil dat het dan ophoud, ik weet uit elke positieve dag nog wel iets negatiefs te halen waardoor ik gelijk kan veranderen van stemming. mensen hebben het veel erger dan mij en nogsteeds klaag ik dat ik dood wil omdat ik zo mentaal zwak ben. als ik dat dan ook ben, prima, eentje minder die misschien door een familie word gemist, maar voor de wereld. er veranderd niks ik ben een micro stipje. laat me gewoon niks meer voelen. ook niet geluk, ik wil dat nooit meer proeven. ik zal elke dag dan met de angst leven om het te verliezen. sorry opie dat ik de eerste ben die van de trein afstapt... maar ik heb mijn eindstation bereikt... ik kan gewoon niet meer zo leven. dit is geen fucking impuls, geen fucking therapie heeft mij ECHT geholpen. klote pilletjes waar ik NIKS van voel of alleen maar mij vlak maakt. de gesprekken heb ik alleen maar zodat ik ook maar aan iemand mn gedachtes kwijt kan. een schreeuw voor hulp. iemand die deze kanker uit mijn brein kan halen. maar ik ben bang of voel dat dat gewoon niet voor mij is opgelegd. bang dat als ik iets mooi vind, het kwijt of kapot te maken.. en als ik depressief ben, weet verdomme dan voel ik nog iets. gewoon iets. ik lang voor die kogel die gewoon zegt, hou je bek, wees stil, voor hoelang, weet ik veel, waarnaartoe, zoveel mensen hebben ideen erover. ik wil gewoon dat het klaar is. was ik altijd bestemd of te falen. Ciao",Suicidal +10001,I do not get it I really do not. Today was actually the first nice day I have had in so long and I still feel bad inside. My head does not shut up and honestly I do not know if I am going to stick around much longer. Is there any way I can make the pain stop/reduced? I do not want to hurt my family and friends by dying but I do not have another choice. My head does not shut up,Suicidal +10002,"I live in a place where having depression is ""acting childish""I am just a teen who had been going through this thing for almost 2 years now. I cannot get to meet a doctor or anything at all and I am extremely tired at this point.Please give me some advice that can help How can I reduce depression by my self?",Depression +10003,"My dad always says it is all about perspective. We all have our windows through which we see the world, and our reality is how we chose to perceive it. Sometimes, even the most complex problem just requires a shift in perspective, or a view through another person's window, before it can be solved with ease.I have given up on life. I am not quite sure how to describe it, I guess it is just one of those things you know, like when you are in love, when you are hungry or just need the loo. I suppose the symptoms are easily identifiable: apathy, melancholy, depression, fatigue, lethargy, etc, but there is a less-medical term that I think describes it better: my light has gone out.Who I am does not really matter, though for completeness's sake my executive summary details are: 21 Male, 2nd Year Engineering student from South Africa, caucasian with Danish and English ancestry, single, always have been, probably on the spectrum, no friends anymore.I have buried my best and closest friend, and another four friends over the past five years. I have been wrongfully accused of a crime that I never committed, which took the system a year of intimidation, court rooms and sever depression and anxiety to determine that she had made it all up. I have been a victim of extortion, blackmail and cybercrimes, involving intimidation, fear and had no one to talk to. I am the eldest of three, and the eldest of my family's generation and link that keeps my stressed-out family together. I have felt the feeling of loving another, but never the feeling of it being mutual. I was once a happy child in a happy house with a dream of changing the world, and the aptitude to do it. But today, I do not see the point of it all. My friends are dead, the person I am in love with, and the only person I have every loved, does not feel the same way. I have horrors tormenting me each night that I cannot tell anyone about, I am half way through second year and I have only been on campus for four weeks before lockdown, I do not have much money, I have lost focus on studies altogether and I am only 21 years old.Perspective. The only thing my sorry engineering mind could come up with was getting a different perspective on things, and maybe, just maybe I might find a path that will lead me to, well, enlightenment (i.e. to get the light back).You obviously do not know me from a bar of soap, but maybe I need impersonal advice, I do not know. As the title suggests, despite living in the tech world since before I could walk, this is my first and only online post. I am a shy person who is got nowhere to go and looking for some guidance.Thanks My first and only online post. I think I may be giving up on life, but looking for a reason not to.",Depression +10004,"I have been homeless a few months short of a year. Positivity on my mind to push through. I paid for a reservation at a motel (Hometowne studios by the red roof Norcross GA AVOID) They forced cancelled my reservation, I called Obitz.com to get my money back they said 10 days. Tried to call my back (Wal-Mart money card) same thing. Now I am locked out of my account and cannot get another card. My weekend ever. I get my first and last pay check this Friday and I can buy a gun. I cannot wait to self delete. No more rejection, no more loneliness, no more homelessness, and no more pain. Tired of being positive",Depression +10005,"it is over guys. There is no future.You will lose a parent or a loved one.For relationships, you will have to compete with 1000s of others that are richer and better looking. Chances are, it will not be youYou will probably work a job you hate for the rest of your life with no meaning. If you want a career in 2021, even entry level jobs... you will need to rely on connections. Without connections, you will need a minimum of 5 years experience + a MBA or so that will put you in debt, just so you can still struggle to find a job.Somebody else who was born in better conditions and better connections will take the career you want.Somebody else with better looks, more confidence and genetic blessings + with natural born skills will win the heart of the person of your dreams over you.You are nothing but vermin that will watch everyone around you make the most out of life.All while you get older and older for 60 years and time flies past you as you grow increasingly fragile and worse mentally.I see why some end it early. Who wants to endure this shit for years?Sucks to be born how we were born. Some were meant to enjoy this temporary simulationSome were meant to fail and suffer all through this fucking sick unfair joke called Life.it is over anon. I or should I say, we are not meant to be happy and never will be.it is all a lottery in an endless universe where we are a speck, we are living in a giant floating sphere of water with land on it ran by egocentric rich people that have us by the balls like ventriloquistsIt's over. Life was already pre-determined for us. There is no 360, no life changing story. Forget it. It will not happen to you. it is over guys.",Suicidal +10006,[Tw: cutting] I have been had depression and anxiety for a long while now. I have been clean from cutting myself for well over 2 years but yesterday I relapsed. I know that in the coming weeks I will try to commit suicide. what is the point of living if you have nothing to did for. I have lost myself,Suicidal +10007,"I just got diagnosed with atypical depression and had and still having a huge self realization on myself and keep hating the situation because i m so aware of my traumas which are the root of my depression and anxiety . I want to heal so bad but combined with my personality (i want to get done everything right away and cannot stop) i also have mild ocd, overthinking, bbd and probably more stuff that i do not know yet. I m so exhausted of this situation. I physically and mentally feel exhausted of everything. I m starting a clean slate at a different country at the dream major i wanted to study. I m so scared that i m going to mess up because of my lack of motivation. I cannot even pac and i m supposed to move in 5 days and nothing is done. I m in therapy just started with medication to control my anxiety and probably depression(the psy said it was to control my anxiety) i need help guys. How do you motivate yourself what do you do? I m not sure about anything",Depression +10008,"My husband finally, after all of these years, just verbally validated the feelings that have plagued me for far too long. I am worthless and good for nothing. If I did not have kids, I would have ended myself a long time ago. I do not want them to suffer so instead I do. I am worthless and good for nothing.",Depression +10009,"I am very sad. I have been sad for a while now. I feel lonely, I have no one, and the one person I had is no longer there. Anybody else turned out not to care about me enough. For some reason, no one cares about me. But I am not sad for that reason only, I am sad and depressed and do not want life anymore.Anything that makes me happy, makes me happy for few hours or minutes then i go back to feeling like shit. I am sad",Depression +10010,"First of all, English is not my main language but I will try to write the best I can.I have been having suicidal thoughts since I was 12 probably, but I never told anyone because I know that they will make bullshit like do not allow me to be alone or things like that.I have been with psychology treatment for a year and a half and I have never told my psychologist that every day I want to die,because If I tell him that I know that because of professional obligation he will have to tell my mom.I also have not told my girlfriend that I want to commit suicide, because that would make her panic, I know how she is, she would try to call everyone and tell them that I want to die.Why they have to be so selfish? Why cannot they understand the fact that I am not willing to continue living? All they would do if I tell them, is just going to be a pain in the ass...Sorry if this do not make much sense, I am just trying to... I do not know, just write. I do not even want help now",Suicidal +10011,"Man am I a pathetic piece of trash. When you realize the most you can get done on a weekend day is sleeping in, staring at your phone and eating a meal.",Depression +10012,"Fuck my life. Fuck my family. Fuck school. Fuck everything. My family literally cared nothing about me. they will probably be happy when I am gone. there is no fucking way they will cry when I am gone judging of the way they treated me. All of my older siblings are going to decent universities and a job. My parents expect the same from me to excel in everything which I am incapable of.Because of this, I became uninterested in school and my grades becoming lower and rarely go to school. Some of the teachers probably hate me because of the way I behave. At least in school I have some close friends.I have attempted suicide multiple times and all of them fails. Probably because of I actually do not want to die. I just want to have a normal lifestyle and be happy like others. I just want to not have this thoughts out ifnmy head. Even if I am happy a bit, this thoughts eventually come back.I am only 16 years old now. I did reach some help but none was successful. I told the teachers that I trust at school. I even did tell my own family but they just brush it off.Maybe I am just going to die I am literally cannot think of nothing else other than killing myself for the last 4 years",Depression +10013,"Between friends and extended family, I have lost 7 people to suicide, for varying reasons. Life can be difficult and cruel sometimes, but I want EVERYONE on here to hear this. It will get better!! Especially to those of you that are teenagers and young adults, you need to understand that life is hard, but give yourself a chance to grow and find what makes you happy. Just because you cannot see it yet, there is something beautiful on the horizon. The world is a better place with you in it. Please let me know if I can do anything to help and know that I believe in all of you. Hello everyone...",Suicidal +10014,"I do not even know why I am awake. Why am I even trying? it is exhausting, trying to gain the energy I need from food and exercise and work, but ending up drained of it and starved for it anyway. I was having a slow day. Now it is turning into a bad day. I feel mocked by these customers. I feel disregarded by my coworkers. I feel attacked by the company that does not see me as a person, just a robot that follows orders and works hard so they can pay me less. I feel I am losing my identity. I do not want to be me anymore because who cares? Who cares about who I am? What I like? What I want? I am tired...I am tired of trying. it is so hard to resist giving up. My depression is a loud voice that commands me to just throw in the towel and lose. To lose like the loser I am. Why try succeeding if you will only ever lose?...I am not enough. I am not alive. I am so tired. I just want to go home and sleep for a week... Saying ""I am tired"" when I am actually tired, but then I start to feel depressed and now I am even more tired...while also feeling totally empty inside.",Depression +10015,"I would like to make a video, and make my suicide the punchline of the video. Would I need to Livestream or is there another way to upload a video after recording? How I can ensure my message will be clear?",Suicidal +10016,Me and my girlfriend split over a month ago and I have been doing everything all say everyday to distract myself from thinking about it but I cannot and the realization of losing her and never getting her back really makes me feel like I dint have a purpose anymore and I could not give a shit less what happens to me anymore I just feel weak and alone I cannot manage a relationship or my own life anymore Same bullshit here,Suicidal +10017,"I am empty. Forgotten. Alone. I do not matter. I never did. How do you throw a friend away? How can someone even say bye to someone and that is it? Block someone like that. So suddenly. Its just over. you are blocked. Nothing else. Over. Done. End everything so abruptly. Do you have any idea what you did to me? You tore a hole inside of me. And you are probably happy I am gone. Those times we had together. You did not actually care about them. you are happy I am out of your life. You do not care. All I have done is care and you accuse me of not caring. What about those drawing? That paper? That slideshow? The PowerPoint? After all of that, I do not care? Then, what is caring? I guess I did not actually care, since you clearly never felt like I did. All I did was care. And you cut me off. You ruined my world. Its never been the same. I do not want to live anymore. I need to get out of here. This is not living anymore. I am just surviving in an empty world. I have never actually lived before. When I was born, the chances of me dying at birth were almost 100%. I feel like that is a sign I was not meant for this world. And I am not meant for it. I never was. I do not belong here. You do not want me here, so why should I want me here either? I am not good enough. I do not care how long I type, no one is listening. I may as well be writing this on a piece of paper and burn it. Nobody is listening. I have been crying for help for 28 days and nothing is working. Nobody helps. Nothing helps. There is no happiness here. No joy. No love. No care. Nobody cares. I do not care. All I did was care. Its all I ever do. I am done. there is no reason for me to care anymore. I am not normal and I never will be. I am destined to fail. Nothing will ever work. I can say I am going to end everything tonight and nobody will care. You will not care. No matter how much I apologize or say I am different, it will not work. But I keep trying. Because I care. And I care. And I care. And I care. And I care. See a pattern? I care. I care. I care. Guess who is listening. No one. Not you. Or anyone else. There is no reason being here.",Suicidal +10018,Why did I have to become physically deformed. My dad was gorgeous. My mom is gorgeous. My brother is handsome. I should have been movie star handsome. Instead my whole face is slanted because of a physical deformity that could have been prevented. I was bullied by kids because I have striking traits but they are mushed around my face. I just want to die every day. 23 years on this planet and still alone. This curse is proof there is no god. Why me,Depression +10019,I am 19 and have been with my girlfriend for five years . I love her with all my heart and I would do anything for her . Even now that she left me I would still do anything for her . Before you say there is plenty of fish in the sea and all that Id like to remind you that although there a plenty of fish in the sea there is only one Nemo . That girl is the love of my life. I was raised by my grandparents who are very old fashioned and I have adopted there ways in a sense . I know that she is the one for me . We ended as she thought we were drifting apart and now she will not even talk to me . Its silence . Its a dark void with no light no hope no happiness . I have been trying to go on but I cannot I just cannot do it any more . My life is over and my plan is to jump off a bridge head first into the rocky shallows . This is the end for me my friends . Goodbye . May Lucifer have mercy on my soul . On second thought I hope he burns me with hellfire for the rest of days My girlfriend left me,Suicidal +10020,"My 19th bday is this week and I am considering taking my own life. Life has been excruciating lately and I just know everyone will be better without me.My sister will be fine and my boyfriend deserves way better. If you ever knew me, please forget about me. I am not worth remembering. I wish things would be different somehow.Do not try to talk me out of this. Goodbye and I hope you all can find happiness. Early birthday gift",Suicidal +10021,"I do not even deserve to be alive, I am a terrible person. Or maybe not. I do not know anymore. I do not even think anyone would respond to this. Just meaningless words spoken into the void. Its bad. Idk what to say. This is a pointless post. Sorry. Is it ever going to get better? 30 years leading nowhere.",Depression +10022,"I suffered from alot of trauma when I was a child I was isolated, beaten in school, sexualized, but i used to pretend that I am okay alot wonder what my parents did? they fucking blamed me for not being 'strong enough to endure' because I am a male i live in a 3rd world ass country but I am going to move to USsome guy or girl told everyone that before a month ago,i was depressed because I was gone to buy anti-depressant but i did not took them because in the internet it said it could potentially because erectile dysfunctionNow some people in my area think's I am 'weak' or 'fake depressed' i do not even care about their opinion doe I am making this post to so people will not feel alone in these sort of situation You do not have to get approval of somebody else and they acting like being depressed is a high social status dat's dumbsome people envy me in my Neighbourhoodi went to one of my cousin's momma birthday and he said 'Do not act sad rn okay' bitch i are not never act melancholy around you long story short i cut ties wit him after that-I just turned 16, 3 day's ago I cried at my birthday when i was alone Nobody except my Mom and dad couple of friends cares about me so I am going to move out of the country to start a fresh new life- and move on from the past My girlfriend cheated on me 3 weeks ago I was so heartbroken i had alot of mental breakdowns back then then i got me a new one she actually cares about me and treats me right hope this post help somebody in need or someone in the same type of situationI like to listen NFrealmusic EVERYONE AROUND ME THINK'S I am FAKE DEPRESSED",Depression +10023,"I often find myself fantasizing about every aspect of my suicide. How I would go out, how I would be found, how it would effect others. I also fantasize about failing. I fantasize about lying on the floor covered in my own sick as an ambulance rushes in and saves me, and my LDR boyfriend comes to visit me while I am barely conscious in the hospital. Perhaps I just want someone to notice. Someone to acknowledge the fact I am suffering. I feel so unseen. All of my suicide attempts I failed on purpose because I desperately wanted someone to see that I really was doing badly and just wanted to be loved and cared for. I am in a position where I cannot seek mental help, and I know that I am awful for doing this. I am just so desperate for someone to care and check up on me. But as time goes on, I am tempted to do it for real. The only thing stopping me is my boyfriend and my grandmother. I have already hurt them enough. And I am afraid of failing. So Ill continue to live in this constantly dissociated state and kill myself slowly through self harm and isolation. Ill just keep floating along until I wake up from this nightmare. Venting.",Suicidal +10024,"I was nearly admitted (taken to the hospital by cops and almost sent to the psych ward) the first time I called when I was 18. I told them I was drunk but had nothing to harm myself with. I got off easy though after only spending 24 hours on a gurney. At the beginning of the month, I got the cops called on me for making suicidal gestures. I spent 6 days in there. It was awful. Prison-like conditions, groups only 2 hours a day, a psych that sees you 5-10 mins in the morning, 0 sleep, no counselors, no social workers. They did not give me my Xanax and I had 2 seizures, lost my voice, control of my face and thought I was going to die. This is on top of the real freaks in there getting violent with each other and/or cops, breaking shit, screaming, masturbating in the middle of the hall, etc.I am extremely traumatized and terrified to go out in public. I feel like I forever have the mark of a crazy person and I feel like society will not accept me and I feel like some type of violent felon. Just be careful and do not end up in one of those places. I already have severe c-PTSD and this just added another layer. I could have so easily died. It took my psychiatrist skipping me during her rounds and me getting assigned a new doctor to get my Xanax but by then, I had already experienced severe physical and psychological trauma. Please never go to a psych ward and be careful calling the $uicide hotline.",Depression +10025,"If thoughts about killing yourself are as common as they appear to be (albeit taboo) then were fucked.7.674 billion miserable people, what a world! :) /sAnd if these thoughts are not common?Then I am a freak. Something to be ashamed of, disposed of.It has to be one way though, does not it?Wonder what Id rather it be, after all misery loves company. Haha. Damned either way.",Suicidal +10026,"I am stuck in a never ending cycle of setting goals or getting my hopes high for things that epically fail,I have been basically doomed since birth and I have come to realize maybe nothings going to improve so why should i stick around?? just to live an unhappy life full of debt, missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams Nothing goes right and everything stays the same",Suicidal +10027,"I really do not understand why I find myself here, suicide is not something I have ever attempted, but it is something I have considered and started considering more and more as time goes on now that I have graduated college.The worst part is I do not think I have any good reason to do it. I am successful in a very well-paying career. I am fairly smart and can apply myself. I am not hot by any means but I am attractive enough to have fairly good options on the dating apps (more on this later). I have a loving, if not smothering family (also more on this later), and a good amount of close online friends and some IRL friends that I still talk to online. I have long-term goals for myself that I want to see happen. It may seem that I have no right to be here, and fuck maybe I do not, but I am still absolutely fucking miserable and some days I wonder why I have not blown my brains out yet. Today's one of those days, for some reason.It really just comes down to my inability to form intimate relationships. I do not really date anymore, for me to be close enough with someone and like them enough to have sex with them is rare since moving back home. I also still live with my extremely obsessive parents in a pretty remote area which makes meeting new people super difficult. All of this leaves me feeling so isolated and behind from everyone, and I am terrified to make any change in my life that could somehow fuck me up worse than where I currently am. Yeah I could afford to rent somewhere but what if that ends up making me more lonely while also burning thousands a month?Work keeps me occupied but the thoughts of ""you are never going to meet someone, get married, have a family, be successful outside of working a 9-5 job, what is the point of you still being here, you will never find more friends and just like some of your college ones the rest will disappear as time goes on"" are getting more and more frequent. it is something I have considered",Suicidal +10028,"Hello. Just wanted to share my situation and hopefully get replies. My parents are about to divorce after a lot of time of not talking. I am currently so lost, i got nobody to talk to, I am 20 years old with no ambitions living in a country that i hate with no opportunities to leave on my own. I cannot even study what i like here or get a normal job with normal salary. And i think i have penis disease. I hate my parents for what they have done and I hate myself for being a pussy.Only way out out is FOR ME to start something and to start acting. I just do not know how to wake up because this all just feels like a dream or a tv show I am in. I am not ready to accept that my family is falling apart and i am getting nowhere in my best years of my life. Thanks. Falling apart",Depression +10029,Its pointless. Fuck This world Yeah fuck it,Suicidal +10030,"My existence is such a jokePeople always leave me, I do not know how I can expect this to be any differentAt this point nothing even mattersI get it, I do not matterI put everyone else first but I always get put lastI do not matterI promised her Id never leave, she promised me too and I believed her she still didIt does not matter what I doIt does not fucking matterI do not matterI do not matterI do not fucking matter I feel so sick",Depression +10031,I am in one of those moods where I just do not want to talk to anyone and be alone. I live alone and my family is just pushing me. They keep texting asking to see me and I try to blow them off but they do not stop. Idk why I cannot just tell them what is wrong I just feel like so withdrawn My family is smothering me,Depression +10032,"I was suffering from moderate depression in my early 20s but got fit when I was 23 and got checked out by a lot of women. I never treated my depression and fell into a major depressive episode at 24 that lasts until now at age 28. Even though I am very handsome, charismatic, creative and talented and funny I never dated anyone during my 20s due to my self neglect and not wanting to burden women with my depressive moodswings. I am slowly creeping out of that dark hole with the help of self-help therapy and being 1 year in cbt myself, but I still cannot get over all the lost opportunities for intimacy and growth that are so imporant in your 20s before ""settling"". Seems like all of my friends are normal but I am the one who is broken beyond repair.. Missed out on dating in my 20s and its too late now",Depression +10033,"The only two paths for those who have severe depression are madness or suicide. I think that way because once you get into this dark hole that is depression, when you get to the very bottom, there is no way to go back, at this moment you will see only two paths, madness or suicide. Either you are brave enough to take out your own life, or what you will have left is madness and sociopathy. My time is running out, every day my feelings and empathy go away if I do not kill now, it will be the others I will kill. The two paths of depression",Suicidal +10034,"it all started around the end of may this year, and now almost 3 months later its got to the point where i self harm and want to die every day, i try to talk to my friends about this stuff but i just get ignored, or they make excuses up not to talk to me, or that is what it feels like. I am seriously worried and i want this to stop. i do not know what is wrong with me i just feel sad and suicidal pretty much all the time i keep getting worse every day",Suicidal +10035,Life is fucking shit allways has been i have had enough my Life is going nowhere i will not become anything in Life How do i make sure i die this time I do not want help i want to fucking die,Suicidal +10036,"I was diagnosed as schizoaffective by a few different doctors. But I do not believe I have it. I am on a court order (CTO) and that means if I miss 1 injection, the cops come to my house and take me to hospital. I absolutely refuse to take my injection because I believe I do NOT have this illness. My mom came into my room today and said that my dad said I have been pretending to be sick and to ""just give it up"". He wants me to get out and work. And he is pissed that I am not going for my injection. He wants to kick me out on the streets because I ""disgust"" him. I do find this very weird because he is considered my substitute decision maker because I have been found ""mentally incapable of making medical decisions"" and he has NEVER said I was lying in the past to the psychiatrists. he is just saying this to my mother. But I have noticed that when I get very mad (I believe this is due to borderline personality disorder), he tells me to STFU and comes to hit me (even though I am never violent). Idk I am just feeling suicidal because I do not want to be homeless, you know? I am feeling trapped and judged Dad said if I do not have schizophrenia then he wants to kick me out on the streets",Suicidal +10037,"I figure if it is selfish, then I guess I am...might as well be honest.I have already screwed up my life, and my families life. I know once its done, i will not feel anything anymore, i will not care..I have tried and thought about this for so long, and wanted it to get better. I tried everything to help myself.Being here has been worse for everyone. We could of all moved past this a long time ago had i just been brave enough.In a few weeks, ill have some time alone for 7 days.No one will check on me.I am making plans to board the pets so they will be safe if I do it. I want to die before anyone I know does",Suicidal +10038,my mom is extremely fucking transphobic and i do not even want to live anymore. i hate being trans and i hate being me.I am almost 18 but i do not think i can take it anymore. if i die before 19 do not say i did not call it. my mom said she will not let me start testosterone and i want to kill myself.,Suicidal +10039,"Day was not really that bad. Spent it with a bunch of family, but sadly it reminded me how lonely I am later on. Started drinking and that brought the emotions. Would love to attach to someone, but do not want to guilt them into liking me. I guess I am just sad.... Had a shitty day",Suicidal +10040,"My life has truly turned around. I went from being diagnosed with depression at the age of 13, regular self harm, multiple suicide attempts, and having generally nothing to live for, to everything I could have dreamt of at the age of 17. I have an amazing girlfriend that is the absolute best, I have been accepted at my dream school, I am about to persue my biggest life goal, I have amazing friends, I could not be happier. But today, I was watching a movie together with my girlfriend, which featured a lot of the same themes as my past. I did not realize what the movie was about until it was too late. you would think I would handle it fine (I have been clean for almost a year, and had plenty of support from family/friends and psychiatrists) but damn I was wrong. It made all the bad memories come back to me. My head became so dark so fast, had no clue what to do. Luckily my girlfriend realized what was going on so she turned it off as soon as possible, and went into comforting mode (she is actually the best). Now that she went home, my head is filled with nothing but dark garbage again, and honestly I have not had this bad of an urge to sh in forever. I do not know if it is called a trauma, but is it normal for stuff to be this triggering? I know I will be fine in a few days, but it kind of upset me that it hit me so bad. Tl;dr, watched a movie, made me feel like crap for the first time in a year because of old memories, and I am not sure if it is normal. ""trauma"" hit me harder than I ever could imagine",Depression +10041,"Cymbalta is an SNRI (duloxetine) and I am trying to taper of from 90 to 60 (finsihed) and now from 60 to 30 or something, and trying to switch to an SSRI again, trintellix (vortioxetine) and so far I started to take 30mg Cymbalta and 5MG Trintellix to begin tapering .... and I feel awful for now... a very strong headache and vertigo is normal?&#x200B;What is your experience stopping Cymbalta? without counting beads Switching from Cymbalta to nothing or Trintellix, awful so far? Is it really this bad to come of off cymbalta?",Depression +10042,The title....Even if there is no afterlife I still feel that my energy will be in the same place everyone is energy goes when we die The thought of an afterlife where I will be with all of those gone before me entices me to want to die,Suicidal +10043,"I was literally having a nice day today, then I came home and held a blade at my wrist. Then I was ok again and now I am so sad. My head will not stop hurting and confusing me it will not stop how do I make it stop? Is there anything at all that will make it stop? I want to be normal like I was before all of this. My head will not stop it does not stop",Suicidal +10044,"i know i want to keep living but i do not see any reason to, i have nothing to look forward to, no one who loves me, nothing. idk why i should keep living all i know is that i want to how do i find a reason to keep going?",Suicidal +10045,"I recently graduated High School and I am attending university in the fall. So many things are going well for me. I have wonderful grades, and I got into the program I wanted at a prestigious university. I have friends I am so grateful for. I have all these wonderful things, and yet all that seems to matter to me is how ugly I find myself, and how I will never find love or be loved because I am just not normal. I have internalized everything my sister taught me about myself as a child, about how much of an embarrassment I am because I do not act a certain way, or because I am just a fucking weirdo. I do not think my parents ever defended me; but now that she is messed with them, they have a problem with her.I cannot go a single day without reminding myself that I am repulsive, and ugly, and that no one will ever take me seriously or love me. I am not committing suicide right now because I do not know how to do it without inflicting too much pain.I feel like I know the way out of this, that it will and can get better, but I am not letting myself believe it. I am the only person not taking myself seriously, it seems. I feel so alone. No one knows this about me IRL. I want to die. I have been depressed and suffered so much from anxiety this past year. And no one knows, and no one is seeing it happen. And I do not know if I trust anyone to talk about it. I am so tired. Terrified and tired",Suicidal +10046,I am so close to fucking killing myself.My friends from school was the only thing holding me back but they have all basically admitted to hating me. I have already relapsed back into cutting myself because of it. Hotlines did not help me with anything I just waited half n hour and gave up. I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to fill the tub and drown myself. I cannot handle it all anymore,Suicidal +10047,"I have been dealing with depression for about a year. Lots of things that happened in my life: Covid struggles, losing a grandparent in a middle of a pandemic, making the hard decision to temporarily leave school, and getting Covid during the holidays.I made the tough call and decide to reach out for help. But who should I seek to help me cope with my chronic depression? I am currently seeking therapy this week. Should I see a therapist or a psychologist?",Depression +10048,"I want to die, but I do not want to suffer. What do you think is the best way to kill yourself? Thank you I want to die but",Suicidal +10049,"when i was 13, i started having intense mental health issues. i realized i was hearing voices and i was brought to see a counselor that ended up not really helping. after that, i would bounce between multiple counselors, therapists, psychiatrists and i never found help.its only gotten worse over the last year. my physical health is declining very quickly, and no doctor knows what is happening. all i know is that having babies / getting pregnant will be next to impossible, and that is crushing to me, as having a child is what kept me alive for so long. and do not say that i can adopt. i know that. but everyone wants what they cannot have. and you do not need to find a silver lining for me. you would not tell a paralyzed person, well at least you have a wheelchair! my heart hurts. i do not want to be here anymore. i want to it all be over. after 7 years of fighting for survival, i feel like this is forever. why not kill myself now to get it over with?? I have been suicidal for seven years. at this point, i feel like i have no other option.",Suicidal +10050,"I am currently on 187.5mg of venlafaxine/effexor and am still depressed. Venlafaxine helped me concentrate and be more productive and did wonders for my ibs, but it did not really help the mood. I have tried a lot of meds and tend to get the akathisia or insomnia side effect from medications (list in comments). These are my next options, and I do not know which one to try first:1)switch to fluoxetine2)switch to vortioxetine 3)add lamotrigine (It gave me really bad insomnia last time I tried, but maybe if I titrate up more slowly it could be okay?)4)Increase my venlafaxine dose. I know that venlafaxine has more noradrenergic effects at higher dosages and was wondering what that usually translates to in terms of how it makes you feel? Is vortioxetine (or fluoxetine) that different of a med that it would be worth tapering off venlafaxine to switch to that? I have read that Vortioextime is great for cognitive symptoms, but I do not know if it is otherwise pretty similar? I also have really bad sensory processing issues if that makes a difference! Thanks! Switching antidepressants- what to try next?",Depression +10051,"I know the knee-jerk reaction is to call cops on people.To my utter detriment, I am 100% sane. There is scarcely any reason or legal grounds to hospitalise me against my will, save for the fact I have been (rightfully, and logically) suicidal for the past 13 or so years.All the cops do is offer disgustingly hollow platitudes, and then leave. Same for suicide hotlines, or therapists, or psych wards. Hot take, but therapy and medication do jack shit when your issues stem from mostly material conditions such as oppression, poverty, loneliness, and long-term (often systemic) abuse.Whenever I have a BPD meltdown - and that is very often - a lot of people opt to either ignore it, or call the authorities. Due to my background of abuse and lapses in memory, I will not trust a one-time ""it will be fine, you can talk to me!"". Alleged friends no longer commit to anything they promise or say in the heat of the suicidal crises. And I realise it is not an obligation. But I willingly subject myself to horrible shit to keep up to date with suicidal people again and again and again, never resting assured I miraculously saved them.Comfort takes time. it is a lost art. Love takes time. As does trust, and henceforth, anything meaningful. I say I do not have friends, having 400+ ""friends"" on FB, as it would be saying you have nutrition if you ate McD for every single meal ever. Comfort takes time. But dialling 112 and never saying a word is easy.What am I venting for then? A lament for the unlovable? Ode to the abandoned? Perhaps simply a reminder to take a long hard look at your real friendships. Check in with people. Pick out the ones you want to commit to, and go balls to the wall, because frankly, some people like me can be saved, but only with a lot of effort.Show up. We might object. Help up do the dishes. Bring groceries when you come. Organise things with solid dates and times. Be stern and uncompromising, but touch us with love when you go in for that awkward hug.There will be obstacles. I do not trust a soul in a 500 km radius, and then there is people I have unrequited feelings for, and then there is America. Distance is a bitch, but you will probably either drink or gamble that money anyway. Gods, please, just show up. I would have paid, for every single trip, I would have paid.But there was no comfort. In the end, there was no one. No easy fixes. So if you are reading this, odds are that you have someone you ought to show up for. Maybe even yourself. I only ever needed comfort, not cops",Suicidal +10052,"My partner has quite low self esteem and I want to make them feel loved and pampered. Please list any ways I could treat them, or perhaps even stuff you do for your own friends/family/partners (no matter how silly or insignificant it seems, anything is appreciated) to make them feel good/loved/happier. :) Ways to pamper/treat up depressed partner?",Depression +10053,"I have a noose ready in my closet. I do not know when to do it, I do not want to hurt my family, but I do not want to keep suffering. I do not know what to do. I cannot tell anyone I am suicidal",Suicidal +10054,If this is not allowed then please remove.I am wondering why I have met so many people who have survived multiple overdoses.Is it the case that people just wake up or is it the case that medical intervention will save someone from an overdose most of the time?I am not planning to OD I guess I have a somewhat morbid curiosity about why that method is so unlikely to work. Why do so many people survive overdoses?,Suicidal +10055,I am closer than ever to doing it. I keep imagining how my parents will feel and how my sister will feel. I keep reflecting on my life. I keep thinking about how tragic my death would be. I keep trying to talk myself down every day and imagine a better future but none of it feels realistic and everything just seems to be getting worse for everyone collectively and I have no desire to move forward. I do not see a good future with me in it. I feel like I want to die every day. I am at 30 seconds to midnight but I cannot do it. I have been crying all month,Suicidal +10056,"it is been 2,5 weeks since my boyfriend broke up with me. I know he still likes me, and I still like him. I just do not know it anymore. I thought he was the one, I really wanted to marry him. I miss him so much and I absolutely need him right now, but I am all alone. I have no friends, and the people I do occasionally talk to straight-up ignore my texts. I want him back, I want to marry him. I want to dance with him, I want to kiss him. I am so sad and I do not know if I can do it anymore. I honestly do not know it anymore",Depression +10057,i cannot live on this earth anymore i just want it to end. what are some painless ways to die.. need to die,Suicidal +10058,Just as title says. Has meditation helped anybody come out of their anxiety or depression?,Suicidal +10059,"I am a (M35) who have been struggling with depression more or less my whole life.What I can remember, is that from the age of 9, I have been an extreme introvert that attempted suicide at many occasions but with the luck or bad luck based on how you look at it never succeeded.For many years I would not talk with people and had a temper that made people frightened and made some enjoy pushing my buttons until I snapped.Disappeared whole school-days and just sat at isolated places considering my options even trying to end it.First time was in a forested area outside my school age 9.Had a rope and decided ""it is time"".Trew it over a large branch and anchored it to another tree. Picked up some rocks to make a makeshift stool that I could stand on.Lost conciousness and woke up 10-15 minutes later with a bleeding wound above my eyebrow and an extrem headache, sore throat and a redness around my neck. The large branch had broken of and hit me in the head and my face got smashed against the rock I was standing on.Went back to school and said that I tripped and there was no need for a check-up.This is my strongest memory from my childhood and many year later it is still something that makes me sad, because no one cared where I was for 1,5 hour age 9.My parents never got told and I will never tell them because it even today would hurt them, my brother knows about that and some other tes as well.I struggled through school at all levels and never connected with anyone because I (according to myself) was ugly, stupid, uninteresting, mean, angry and a horrible person and I made myself that person for years knowing fully aware that I actually was loving, caring, thoughtful, kind and interested in other people's problems.Even after that I would not even try to make connections with other people feeling less than everybody else, still playing the role as the cocky self-important asshole I have made myself up to be.At age 28 i meet a wonderful woman that never gave up on learning to know the real me.She more or less forced herself onto me and I did not stop it because I actually wanted her to break down the wall I have for years built up around myself.She is the most important person in my life but I have had my down periods where I just cannot allow her to see me weak and the latest one I had was today.I am away from my family more or less 5-7 days a week and it hurts but I do it for them so we can afford to still live as we do.But today was painful, I told my oldest son ""dad is going to work"" and he just said ""Bye"" with me kneeling to get a hug and no hug was given.My youngest just waved and then continued with what he was doing and I was totally heartbroken.Walked out to my car with my wife after me and just started to cry feeling like a stranger that just visits the boys mom from time to time.did not allow my wife to touch me became cold towards her.Hated my job, hated life, hated my own existence a d just want my wife to divorce me so that she could be happy and the boys could have someone that is always present for them and not se stranger who comes to visit a day or to each week.As a person that only have my parent, brother and my own family in my circle of life it is hard to find any reason why I should not just fade away from my boys existence even though it selfish and hurtful not just to the boys and my wife but probably the end for me.This sucked and was totally stupid to write.Publish it but will be removed in another 30 minutes or sooner. Never made a post before but here goes.",Depression +10060,"I mean I am spiraling out of control and the worst I have ever been but I cannot tell anyone, instead I push everyone away from me in a weird way of self harming/being self destructive. I drink too much, refuse therapy and can feel myself loosing grip of reality and control of my life but no one cares so why should I. I have all I could ever wish for right? Successful in my career, a girlfriend, new apartment etc. still I am at the lowest I have probably ever been.. I am 21 but I have a plan for how to kms for the first time since I was 17 and I am ""worried"" of how close I am to actually doing it and how easy it would be, but I cannot do that to my girlfriend and family. I have pushed all my friends away so I do not think they would care too much. Sorry for a messy rant, I just had to vent I wish it was ok to say ""fucking terrible"" when someone asks how it is going",Depression +10061,Life is just getting harder and harder I was homeless from 5 to 14 me and my little brother were sexually assaulted my little brother was 6 and I was 9 5 years later he randomly shows up and does it again to my little brother and I was not even there to protect him me and my little brother had to move away all this time in the mean time I was diagnosed with PTSD anxiety and severe depression and my life just keeps getting worse I just heard my older brother was beating my mom and there is nothing I can do I cannot take it anymore I think I am going to end it my 15th birthday is coming up I was going to do it after that but it is just becoming worse and worse I am trying to find a will to live but it is becoming harder and harder at least i will die knowing my little brother is living his best life with my aunty What do I do at this point?,Depression +10062,"Story of my life, right? My life is on such a downward spiral and it is all my fault. I cannot handle real life responsibilities and so I just gave up on life. I have no motivation or willpower. All I do is go to work, go home, procrastinate and play games until I am tired, cry and then do it all over again the next day. I wake up everyday and I go to the same old shitty part time minimum wage job. Everytime I try to crawl out of this pit of depression, I just fall right back down. I tried improving myself with school to try and get out of my shit job, but I cannot even study without being distracted and so now I am 3 weeks overdue on my homework with no desire to do homework anytime soon. I feel so guilty about it, but I cannot bring myself to sit down and learn. I am severely in debt because I am an impulse shopper, and I have never been in a relationship in the 24 years I have been alive on this shit hole, so I have no one to even share how I feel (not even family cares or understands what I am feeling either). I feel so trapped in my eternal depression cycle. There are so many things in my life that make me want to end my life, but the only thing that is keeping me here is my survival instinct. I hate it here.How come everyone else seems to have their shit together, but me? Why cannot I just be a normal functioning human with a normal brain? I know everyone has their baggage, but why the hell does it feel like I am at the very very bottom of the barrel?Does anyone else feel the same way or relate? I want to end my life so bad but I am too scared (vent)",Depression +10063,I am done. the world is cruel,Suicidal +10064,"Hello I am alex, 18 y/o. From July I am not ok because my friends betray me and my gf do not give a f.ck about me and my life. I feel like I am alone and i just want to be happy and have fun with people who understand me. But i cannot find them... I am alone and i think i have depression. I am not ok",Depression +10065,"This might actually be my chance It turns out I may have found out a way to finally do it this week, quickly and almost painlessly, and I am quite excited at the idea",Suicidal +10066,"there is very little left of things that keep me from pulling the plug.If I would lose anything that distracts me from the suffering that is reality right now, I would kill myself.As long as nothing happens I might crawl out of this abyss. I am honestly just waiting to die",Depression +10067,"I feel like I have been on the edge for several weeks now. Stress at work has been mounting up, and unfortunately my brain is wired so that if I do one thing wrong, then that must mean I cannot do anything right. I always thought its weird that I can look at those thoughts and realize they are false, but I cannot ever shake them. The lack of any friends or support group just means I have been internalizing and ruminating on all my negative emotions again, and for the past few weeks I have felt like I could break out in tears at any second. The loneliness I have in life is near crippling, but I do not want to complain any more about it on this board than I already have.Anyways, today I started playing an old game that I used to watch my parents play as a little kid (Tomb Raider II if anyone is curious) just for the nostalgia value, and something about it just hit me really hard. Just all these feelings came flooding back, memories of pure contentment and not having to worry about anything. Being surrounded by people that love me, and not having to be concerned about going to work tomorrow, or paying bills, or trying to save more money. I realized today that those days and feelings are gone, and they will not be coming back. I guess realizing that was my tipping point, because I have been crying off and on all day now. I am just so exhausted. I want to give up so badly but it would devastate my parents if I was gone. Can someone please just tell me things will be okay? Life is so awful right now and I am trying to be strong but it feels like I am fighting a losing battle..Sorry if this is disjointed or all over the place. I am so overwhelmed and I am not good at putting what I am feeling into words sometimes. Just had my first breakdown in awhile. I am so tired, I want this all to be over.",Depression +10068,I am not even sure I exist anymore Neverending guilt,Suicidal +10069,"I know people talk about how much we hate ourselves a lot here because it is very common for depressed people. I was wondering though if others feel this; A rational part of my brain knows I should not hate myself as much as I do, because the level of hate i have for myself is the same as the level I have for the worst people. Now I might be kind of a worthless piece of shit but also I am not that bad. I do not get violent with people, I have never sexually assaulted or done something really fucked up to people. Probably the worst I have done is say some hurtful things and lie. Even though the rational part of my brain can look through all this and go 'well i guess you are not the worst piece of shit, it dosent really effect how I feel about myself. I still hate everything about me from my stupid body to my stupid mind. I know its probably a bit much for what I am but god fucking hate me. Hate myself vehemently even though I know in the grand scheme of things I am not that bad.",Depression +10070,"He knows I am sick, but he Has no idea what it means yet. it is coming, I can feel it. I do not want to hide it, but I do not want to dump it all so hard on him either. Any advice? Got a new boyfriend. I am heading towards another episode and I worry it will scare him off",Depression +10071,One of my friends who was in my class keeps discussing the how they are going to commit in two days.Idk what to do and I am shaking so much out of fear...they are so content on going and I tried and tried to talk them out of it but they will not listen- I am only 14 and I cannot even process what is going to happen.Idk who to do to because school is shut for the summer and idk who to call and my parents will get mad at me for talking to them in the first place.What do I do?Who do I go to? What do I say? I need help I have never been in this situation before- please help me.... My friend keeps talking to me about suicide and told me today that they are going to commit in a few days :,Suicidal +10072,"suicidal ideation has not been this bad since i was hospitalized 6 months agoall i can focus on right now is my breathing.four counts in, hold, four counts out, holdim going to get through this <3 just breathing",Suicidal +10073,"Sometimes somebody tells me something and I get sad. A sadness overcomes me so strong that I do not know how to get rid of it, no matter how hard a try. I just want to live a normal life. Meet honest and loyal people, and be happy. But when sadness overcomes me, I am stuck. Stuck physically and stuck in my feelings. I do not how to to handle it. Sometimes",Depression +10074,"I am so tired of living and going to work and being harassed by wannabe gangsters threatening me or my life off of work, having my boss not give a crap about my mental health, or safety. Wanting a relationship but cannot for the life of me be interesting or desirable because I cannot even love myself enough to do so. I want to be able to let all this go, but having no one trustful to talk to is lonely, cannot talk to a hotline because I find it hard to believe anyone who does not know you can convince me that I matter. I was told that I am strong, but I feel like I am just one awful day to having a bad end. I am losing hope",Depression +10075,i feel like my life is too good for me to be feeling sad and yknow.. suicidal I am too privileged,Suicidal +10076,"I cannot deal with it! I do not want to work a factory job that barely pays me, get abused at home, live in a shitty place with people who hate me....I need help! I want to get out!!! I will hurt myself I seriously cannot stand living this kind of life anymore!!!",Suicidal +10077,I have been feeling like this for weeks and with my social life crumbling my supports have slowly disappeared. Every day i wake up only to want to go back to sleep. only sleep is keeping me away from my thoughts. Lately i have been experiencing alot of looming thoughts of just disappearing and somehow stop this pain....i have tried almost everything from self love to self care and nothing seems to be working... I am feeling so much pain in side,Suicidal +10078,"So I am moving to a different apartment next week, and to be honest, even though moving is a serious pain, it has been one of the best things to happen to me.I have made a decision to get rid of most of the stuff I have, I have basically thrown away 80-90% of the stuff in my current apartment and kept only the basic 10% of stuff that I need. Over the last two weeks, I have spent a lot of time just cleaning up my current apartment and throwing out stuff that I do not need or donating it if it is in good condition. The decluttering has lightened my mind so much. it is like someone has just lifted a huge weight off my head.I have lived here for the last 6 years, 4 of which I have spent in depression and honestly, I cannot wait to get out of this apartment in a couple of days (I move on Wednesday). I am feeling proud of myself for taking and executing this decision to move out (even though I did not need to, as everything was just fine with this apartment otherwise). It really is a much needed change that I am looking forward to. I hope the new apartment brings better luck and better mental health in my life. If you are depressed and feel stuck in a particular place, just try and move if you can. It really helps you to assess what is important to you and what is not, sets you in motion and brings about a much needed change of scenery. it is really good for your brain. Moving to a different apartment is helping me deal with depression",Depression +10079,"I am suicidal asf from grief of brother at 18 and multiple traumas etc. Ik how bad suicidalness is and how strong that desire to kys is. A lotta people maybe would seek therapy as a last resort just to be able to talk to someone in hopes they have advice or just anything on how to go about living, but then you got to pay and then you might not like them or feel like talking to a 30-60 y o person about all their fucked up shit and then find someone you like etc etc If you see this and need someone to talk to feel free to hmu, I am not a therapist, but I am another person that can relate to being suicidal asf and someone who is fully aware of how fucked up it is you do not got to talk to me like I am a professional adult and hold back some of the language or whatever you want to say, just talk to me like I am a best friend who tells everything about to each other cuz if you need someone you do not always want to go thru that professional counselor / therapy seeking journey sometimes you just want someone you can text that you know will understand you and understand that fucking battle of living ur facing every second of each day.Also just a side note I never tried therapy yet i Been wanting to cuz I am that same person I was describing ^ but have not started that journey of finding one and was just thinking all of those things and how it could help but not everyone wants to go through that and if ur on the same page about it then I am right here all for you just text me pls if you cannot find or have anyone Id love to make use out of this terrible reality and given terrible emotions I have lived to help others who are living their worst realities. I wish you all on this reddit page and anyone who is struggling the best I am here for anyone who needs someone Therapy should be free but its not so pls do not hesitate to talk to me or someone",Suicidal +10080,"Throwaway account because my partner follows my main account and it might be compromised too, for reasons I will explain soon.I am 33 and currently in living as an immigrant in a EU country, not my own (I hail from another continent), since 4 years or so with my fianc.I have health issues, both mental and physical, that prevent me from working since about 2 years ago (CPTSD, Clinical depression, burnout, chronic pain due to severe injuries I received), I do not really speak the language here that well, partly because it took me over a year to become ""fluent"" and then because covid happened and I went months without seeing other human other than cashiers at the market or my partner) so I lost a lot of proficiency.I am not saying he is a bad person or that he is isolating me, because he is been doing his best to take care of me. it is just... I have lost so much freedom here, I am unhappy and no one really takes my need for help seriously.I am not in contact with my family anymore because one of my parents is very dangerous, controlling and abused me since my childhood. Like most abusers this parent projects a great public persona and divided the rest of the family in a ""either you support my side or are against me"" so most of my family cut contact with me to prevent drama with my parent. This person has tried to stalk me and threaten me if I speak up on their abuse, to the point of finding people I worked with years ago and using them as messengers.As you might guess I became overprotective of my privacy, I functionally do not have much of a social media presence anymore, take pictures or even talk to former friends much. I also do not have friends here either.I know my parent has stalked and found most of my social media accounts and tried to find my addresses when I move to another place (no idea how they manage to do that but they have even found my landlord info twice in 6 years despite being in another country). Imagine how bad this person is that I moved continents just to get away from them.I have been trying to get therapy here, but my partner thinks it is unnecessary and an unneeded expense. I cannot get treatment for my chronic pain for the same reasons, I cannot even speak of pain killers without being treated like an addict in our house.I probably fucked up coming here and I probably should have never done so I do not have anyone, I do not have friends, or family or anyone that can help me, I have no place to call home or to return to, I just feel so alone and trapped and isolated and I miss human contact so much I do not remember the last time I spoke with another human that was not a cashier. I wish I could escape but where to? there is nowhere.I just keep hearing this voice in my head telling me that if I kill myself I will not have to hurt anymore and I will be able to rest. I might be even lonelier but it might be better, I have not been pain free in so, so long.I am just so afraid of messing up because if I do I know I will face retaliation and things will just, somehow, be worse. Everyday in this prison I see the kitchen knives and wish I could slice and dice myself into oblivion to escape this.I am in France but if you are going to suggest the local hotlines just do not, already tried that a while back and the guy just told me ""this is beyond my level"" and hung on me. I am having intrusive dark thoughts because I am isolated in a country that is not my own and have nowhere to return to",Suicidal +10081,I am ashamed of myself to let it get this bad i am overwhelmed all of my house is disgusting with dirty clothes and moldy food how do i clean my depression house,Depression +10082,"I struggle with depression since a while. Atthe beginning I had thaught circles as the one discribed down below quite often, but as it continued, it seemed like my brain got to lazy to think them to the end or the thaughts where more straight foreward.I just got flashed again with the thaught ofhow pointles my existence is. The earth, our universe is around since a sooooo long time. And there are more than 7Mi Humans on this planet. Like... My existence does not matter at all.And I am just wondering: how do others deal withtheir pointlessnes of their lifes. Seriously: How?",Depression +10083,I wish I could live in a fictional tv show you know one of those shows where everybody is attractive including myself any problem I have gets solved within a hour. I have great friends that do not back stab me I also have a beautiful girlfriend that holds my hand in public and gives me hugs and kiss all the time. Christmas would be awesome I would not be alone I would be with all of them I also would have a passion job that I love like a lead singer of a band. Anyways... back to reality that soul crushing feeling hits hard knowing that my real reality is a damn nightmare I cannot wake up out of. I wish I could live in a fictional tv show,Depression +10084,"I guess in some ways I am doing better than most. I still have a job - a good job - but... there is just nothing to live for. there is nothing that gives me joy, there is nothing that keeps me going, except habit and not being able to just go buy a gun and end it all. I do not know I have a lot of energy left in me to continue, though. How do you handle it? How do you cope?",Depression +10085,my mom accused me of stealing her drugs again and it makes me so upset because i have not and i do not know why i had to get such a fucked up family and narcissistic mom. I am crying in the bathroom and i can hear her in my room going through my stuff and I am so sick of dealing with this stuff. she just was all nice and asked if i wanted to watch a movie like 10 min ago and now she is mad again. i feel like ill never be able to get out and do what i want to do with my life so what is the point. there is nothing for me. i just wish someone would see how I am doing and help or something but i know that no one will. i feel so stupid and i know ill delete this later I am so sick of this i cannot do it,Depression +10086,"As a quiet person who is dealt with many mental health issues, and is generally stuck inside my own head, I enjoy being quiet, observing a lot and not being a socially obnoxious twat. Why do people act like being quiet is a weird thing? Just annoys the hell out of me and makes me instantly dislike the person, that is all rant over. ""you are so quiet"" is the biggest annoyance ever and makes me want to flip my shit",Depression +10087,"But that crap is so disgusting that I could not. So thanks that I guess.Anyway, do not come at me with the ""you are strong you can do it"" etc etc because I know I cannot.I am 14 btw I tried swallowing poison",Suicidal +10088,I read back something I wrote when I was 14 today. It described a pretty distressed and depressed kid. 7 years on from that all I can think about is the thousands of mistakes I have made in my life and how they could reflect on my family. I tried drinking but that does not seem to work. I have so much shame and guilt from years of sexting at a young age when I did not understand consent and age differences. I know I have stuff to live for but right now I cannot see any of it. Just wish I could escape,Suicidal +10089,I want to die so fucking bad. I am so fucking done. Too much pain and misery I want to die,Suicidal +10090,It feels like everyday even if I have a good day at the end I feel so shitty and I cannot take it. I feel so ungrateful and stupid for not being happy by myself. I keep feeling so empty no matter how hard I work to be positive and happy I can barely survive daily challenges. And everytime I try to open up to anyone their automatic response the generic do not worry you will be fine like I know people mean well but I do not think they really understand the severity of how bad I feel and how alone I felt for my entire life. With or without anyone I am always alone. I have resorted to writing on here because I really have no one to will listen and even if I explain this to my therapist she will just refer me to new meds which I do not want. I want to be happy again just to be alive. I want to feel like life is a blessing and not a curse. I am just so tired How can I keep going,Depression +10091,I am consumed with my own issues. I lean on others too hard and I hold them to very high expectations that they never reach. I am inconsiderate. I am unkind. I lack empathy. I am always in need. I am destroying my relationships and whatever value they provide me. I am creating isolation and loneliness for myself. Anyone else see this in themselves? Do your issues make you self-centered and selfish? My depression makes me selfish.,Depression +10092,"I am sorry for being a failure, I am sorry for dissapointing everyone, I am sorry that everything I touch dies, I am sorry that I am not capable of being normal and I am truely sorry for existing. Some people do not deserve to exist and there is nothing I can do to stop myself from existing than asking sorry to everyone. Sorry for everything",Suicidal +10093,"I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I could remember. I remember writing a suicide note when I was like 6 and trying to run away. I am almost 23 now and they just keep getting worse. For a while I was really only hanging on because I felt too guilty about what my family would go through, but now I am only hanging on for my cat. She was abused and mistreated by her previous owners, and it took her over a year to warm up to me, I cannot just leave her without someone that understands her the way I do. Sometimes I cry when I think her passing, I do not think I will be able to handle it, but for now she is my rock. Sorry if this is incoherent I am sad and not having a good time I am only hanging on for my cat",Suicidal +10094,"So, I am a 24 y old blind person, and this is my first post, sorry if I cannot get everything out correctly. But, if I could be honest, I feel done with everything.I have not been able to get out of the house due to kovid concerns and the fact I live in bumb fuck nowhere, I live with my parents, the whole racest and sexest bullshit, the negativity in everything I watch now, its just, ugh.I have tried writing to get my mind off of it, but it has not really helped as of late, same goes for reading.I honestly do not know what to do.I just feel like I have no feuture. I am so tired",Depression +10095,"I have wanted to share my problems since forever but never was brave enough. After scrolling reddit for so long, I decided I will share my story with you. This is quite long, and I want to cover everything...So, my mental problems started when I was 7 years old. In my life I never had a close friend or a family member (mostly because I am the oldest) who I can talk to or even spend time with. I was distanced in a village, far away from the town I was going to school. So my loneliness started in my early age.Whenever I was alone I would overthink: what is the point of this, why do we live, what happens after death, and so on... That made me really paranoid and serious person.it is good to say that my parents were always good to me and I never had a problem with them. We were not poor nor rich, we were just an average family.I will skip my primary school because in there nothing really happened.When I started going in high school, I distanced from people way more. I was spending most of my time sitting in front of my computer, alone. At some point I started getting scared of people and interactions with them. Alongside with social anxiety I started overthinking even more. That part of my life was the worst, it was rainy for almost 2 weeks and I was getting depressed more and more. Also in that period my cat died which led me to suicidal thoughts. Time passes and I was in the same condition.After some time my parents asked me why do I not go out with someone or at least go outside. I would always tell them that I am feeling good here alone and that I do not want to change anything (which is true, I really do not). Time passes and they were getting more concerned about me and my mental state. Out of nowhere, my dad told me he called a psychologist. I was very angry about that, but I did not have a choice. After 2 arrivals psychologist told me I am completely fine and that I just need to get a friend.Now this part of story gets really weird even for me, because I do not know what I was thinking at that time.So out of nowhere I just started to get emotional over anything. For example, getting ridiculed (idk if this is the word) on really hurt me, which never happened before. After a long speech with my parents, I told them that I do not want them to decide my life and leave me alone. They accepted that.After this long period I started having headaches, was eating not even 2 meals daily, and could not sleep. This is still going on and it is getting worse. I would like you to give me some advice, and to hear your story if it is similar. I am feeling really low recently, and I would like to get your help",Suicidal +10096,"I am not afraid that I have not prepared well or I will fail. I am not even thinking about anything related to studies, education, future, or even myself. I do not know what is happening with me, I have no clue why the hell I am even sad. I am feeling very discomforted. I have not faced any trauma but still, I am in pain. Maybe I am depressed, but how the hell someone can be depressed without any reason.I just do not know what to do, where to go. I am feeling like I do not belong to this world. Those people I was very attached to are now feeling like strangers. The stuff I used to do in childhood now seems boring. I do not feel any reason to be in this world, without any hope, without any urge to live. I am just miserable. I wish I could be strong enough so I could end this depressing life. I got exam at 9 am and I am crying rn (2:am)",Depression +10097,I am a single mother with depression.. let me tell you the fight to wake up everyday and be a mom is hard. Sometimes I think about ending my life but then I keep thinking that my kid needs me.. sometimes I think he will be better of. A mother with depression,Depression +10098,"To me it feels like something is wrapped around my brain and squeezing. It feels like negative thoughts are all I can think of and as more negativity comes, I lose more of this battle. I wish I had a time machine and go back in time. What does it feel like for you?",Suicidal +10099,"Hello, my best friend is a 28 (F). she is been struggling with depression for some years now, she is medicated and such. She had a suicide attempt around 2017 after a very bad burnout episode (her career is highly demanding). she is been with this boyfriend for 10 years. They broke up for 2 months around 2017, a little before her suicide attempt, then they resumed their relationship. He broke up with her yesterday and she tried to take her life. She called me crying and sobbing loudly from the hospital yesterday. She told me that she told him he did not want to be with her anymore. She basically crumbled. Her mom called me today and told me that she tried to take her life but they found her in time. I really dislike the boyfriend, if I am honest, I have never been a fan of him. Hes always seemed off to me, distant. But as her friend I always made the effort to support her decision to be with him. Right now she is still hospitalized and crying inconsolably. Her psychiatrist is traveling to where she is (she is out of town, about 18 hours driving away). I feel really sad that i cannot be there for her and her mom. I do not know how to continue to support her. I want to be there 100%. I have never been depressed so I do not know how to approach it. I have been crying because I am really scared that we will lose her. Can someone please tell me what can i do or say to help? Any tips are appreciated. Thank you I need advise on how to help my BFF after a suicide attempt and a bad break up.",Suicidal +10100,"I like to think of myself as a good person but it just hit me that I think I am becoming an awful human being. I am pushing the people away that care about me the most and I am willingly leaving myself with nothing. I have gone through so many friends, some good and some bad, but every time things seem to be going good in the friendship, I stop responding to them.I just finished pushing away the closest group of friends I have ever had. I feel like such a bad fucking person. I am still young but I feel like this will only get worse. there is no point in living when every time I have something good I fuck it up for myself. I cannot deal with myself anymore. I ruin everything for myself",Suicidal +10101,"I have a job that I hate, almost graduated with a degree that I will not even be able to use because my partner wants to live somewhere it is useless. And now my partner said the thought of touching me makes her physically ill (I asked for a hug because I have been sad lately). All of my friends are either ""friends"" or have just left. I am always there for anyone who needs me but now I need someone and I am by myself. Everyone is just too busy for me. I hurt myself superficially and I know my partner is going to be furious with me If she sees if/when she comes back to the house tonight. My family disowned me years ago and the only person who speaks to me now is my abusive mother. All I have got in the world to live for is my cat, who probably only has a year or so to live anyway (he is old and his heart is failing him). I keep trying to tell myself that I have to keep going for something but I cannot think of anything I want to do that I could ever do, or anyone who would miss me, genuinely not just for attention on social media (mother). I know my partner would take care of my cat, he really likes her and probably would not even notice I was gone. I just cannot think of any good reasons to keep fighting, I have tried so hard for so long and I think I have finally run out of steam. I love this world and I love many people in it,but they would all be better off without me, if they even noticed I was gone. Thanks for listening. Why bother?",Suicidal +10102,"what is your thoughts about this? I am against suicide, but is it really worth living in this world? what is there to look forward to? Everything is flawed.",Depression +10103,"I have never lived a year of my life without getting this feeling multiple times. i feel so disgusted by people looking at me, thinking about me, talking about me, thinking they know me and having ideas about me when they know absolutely nothing. i hate the fact other people can see me. i feel so embarrassed and disgusted by everything about myself. its literally humiliating when someone takes pictures of me or has a conversation about me. i hate the moments when i show any emotion in front of someone else and i hate that i am pressured to do so. smiling, hugging, speaking, doing anything that is seen as things you are supposed to do makes me feel like i am degrading myself.i do not know wtf this feeling is. it comes up often and i do not know how to call it other than i completely hate everything about myself i hate being a human i hate my body and my voice and my personality. i have things i like about myself and they are all trapped in my head where no one even knows they exist, so everything that is pure and not horrible about me is something nobody knows about. i try so hard to look and act the way that is good and clean and represents who i am and i always fail. i can put hours into working on my hair and clothes and they will look dirty and like i put no effort in.there is just something about me that is so horrible and carries this awful vibe of rotting filth. its like i was cursed from the very moment i was born. i need to make money so i can get plastic surgery and then move away from everyone I have ever known and start a new life hopefully having escaped being this filthy creature. i need to change everything to get rid of this feeling. it hurts so fucking much i do not understand why i feel this way and I am so angry that i have to deal with this and no one gets it i want a moment of peace idk if this is normal in depression. i come out of every social moment feeling like I have sinned against myself",Depression +10104,I have been alone for so long yet being lonely still kills me inside it is so sad when you are dealing with depression and you have no one to talk about it (personally),Depression +10105,"I hate when like you tell someone your struggling with suicidal thoughts, or tell someone your cutting or something like that and their immediate reaction is like ""oh my god please you need to get help you need to go to a doctor or a therapist and get help"" i know there just trying to help but when someone says that i do not want to talk to them it makes you feel awkard and that something is wrong with me.Or like if your asking like the safest places to cut and someone is like "" please do not cut your going to get through this this is not the answer its going to get better"" like yeah i know that but if someone is going to cut they should know how to do it 'safely' or at least as safe as possible. i hate this",Suicidal +10106,"I have not made new friends in years. Even after being in summer camps for the last 4 weeks, I just end up alone and uncomfortable, left out and painfully obviously alone and out of place. Because I cannot displace my thoughts with media feeds, I am left to my stream of thoughts on how unbelievably lonely, wimpy, and drab my life is going to be, how incredibly degraded living conditions on Earth are for inconceivable volumes of people, how I am slowly and exclusively failing each of my opportunities one by one, how I enjoy practically nothing, how overwhelmingly pointless ""fighting through it"" is, and perhaps most of all, how badly i hate me for all of the aforementioned and more. I struggle to go through a full hour without concluding that I should and wholly wanting to be dead.So I figure it is probably high time to get some help before I seriously start drawing up plans, at least for my family's sake. I have done research on methods and effectiveness so I probably would not get a second chance if I really went for it. Only problem is I have no idea how to go about getting help. I am told that if I am to go to therapy, I will have to actively work towards bettering myself. that is going to be a problem, considering that at this stage I just want to die, not be convinced to complacently stick around around and pay bills and taxes for another 60 years. Do I need a will to live to benefit from therapy? Is it worth a shot to go? Is my only option to get prescribed anti depressants? Or does my stubbornness render my only choice being choosing one way or another? Simply put, how do I get help? How should I get help?",Suicidal +10107,I drank a lot and took some NyQuil last night about half a bottle of the liquid and a whole box of the pills. I threw up at some point which I do not have memory of and I just spent the last hour cleaning it up. I obviously woke up this morning so it did not work but like does it even count as an attempt lmao What should I do now,Suicidal +10108,"Me and my ex dated for 3 years, I slowly started to lose feelings and wanted to move on so we broke up about a year ago. I now have a girlfriend which I love dearly and my ex has not moved on yet. She still calls me and asks to see me and what not, and idk I feel bad at time so I talk to her and the conversations never end up being okay. she is not in a good place mentally and I just want to help her, but I can only do so much. Its been eating me alive and I just do not know what to do. I feel worthless and that I cannot do anything about it. I feel bad for my ex",Depression +10109,I just want someone to talk to...please Depression from wrinkles and changes to lifestyle,Depression +10110,"I had to refill it yesterday and took it late today and I feel like shit (physically and mentally). I recently started my first job as a server and I do not know what to do now when I am not working. I have no friends, I still miss the person who emotionally abused me, keep changing my mind on what I want to do with my life, and just feel like everything is pointless a lot now. I know I am feeling extra shitty right now because I just took my medicine late but I really just want to escape.Nothing is appealing anymore except going to work because that means I get some social interaction even if it sucks. I want friends so bad but I have no idea how I am supposed to make them now without school. I just want to have a conversation with someone face to face who is not my family, therapist, or boss that is like ten years older than me. I am just so tired of being surrounded by only older people and no one my age. I feel like such a social fuck up for not having any friends or a bf/gf.I look at the person who was so shitty to me for so long and took everything from me and he is happy. He has a fucking girlfriend and friends and he is at a damn military academy. While I just waste away in the same town at a meaningless job.I am supposed to have a therapist appointment on Tuesday but I am also supposed to work so I am going to have to get it rescheduled. I have only had this job for two weeks and I already feel like it is all I do now.I just want something else in my life so bad. I just want to hang out with friends and joke around and happily exist. But I am so damn lonely it hurts so bad. I do not understand how I am supposed to make friends and I am afraid I am going to be lonely like this for a long time. I just want to not exist instead it just seems so much easier. did not take my medicine for like two days and I feel like shit already",Suicidal +10111,Tomorrow 17:00 PM alcohol and a ford mustang Tomorrow,Suicidal +10112,"My family hates me, no one believes I will achieve anything. The one outlet I had to be confident and earn money is not allowed by my mother even though I am 19. there is no point. My friends except for two have distanced themselves, so I do not have them either. My family constantly asks when I am going to do somthing with my life and it is just a wreck. My mom hates me so much with a passion even though I try so hard to please and make her proud of me. I have nothing left.I am just going to end it tonight my dudes, I just think I was not meant for this world. I think tonight's the night",Depression +10113,Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Please end this for me I do not enjoy living anymore and I cannot kill myself I am trapped and alone and do not want anything more than to just cease to exist somebody please help me Somebody please kill me.,Suicidal +10114,He loved to chase my truck coming out of the drive way. My mom said I needed to train him but I never listened. One day he got in front of the tire and it hit him. He ran off and 10 minutes later he was dead. Its tore me up everyday and knowing I did it makes me want to die I killed my dog,Suicidal +10115,I cannot do this shit anymore. I have checked out mentally. I hate everything about my life and Ill be god damned if let this shitty organization tell me how to live my life If I do not get out of the military I will kill myself,Suicidal +10116,"For such a long time I have lived in that small space of my basement appartement. It was one small room and a even smaller bathroom.The last 5 years of these 19 were the worst. I had night terrors about beeing burried alife. The appartement made me feel weird after some time and my life got to the bad side once I started living in the basement. I had no more drive doing anything, there was no energy or believe in myself. Just watching the internet. I barely had 2 friends that i saw maybe once or twice a month.But after one night terror where i dreamed I was stuck in my appartement for the rest of my life (I literally saw the windows dissapear and a stone wall behind them) I jumped out of bed and ran out of the door and stood naked in the staircase with my heart racing. I slowly realised it was a dream but there i stood there naked and thankfully no one saw me. So i just went back to bed. But the night terrors kept on comming. After a while i seemed to loose the skill of keeping track of the night terrors.I just barely woke up letting out a loud scream every night for a few month and went back to bed sometimes without realising what happened the next morning. But truth is no one could hear me screem down there in that ""hole"".This made me realise that I am in a prison and need to get out. I need to change something. I did therapy and after such a long time of having no job just sitting in front of my screen all day in the basement i finally found a job. And the appartement that i now live is on the top floor.What is so weird now i can finally see the world! I never saw humans in my basement appartement and now i can see people walk on the street! I can see the rain falling! I can see people sit together talking with each other. I was so isolated for such a long time i thought it is normal to be alone and just browing the web.I think now that I am 36 years old, i want to make more of my life now after so many years spent in isolation. I want to move now maybe ever 5 years to see more of the world. I have a huge list of things i want to do now and i hope i can.You guys would not believe how fucking bright this appartement is where i life now. I have a nice balcony this is such a great thing to have. And the appartement i am now in has huge glass walls behind the balcony so every morning the sun is shining into the whole appartement. I must say the first mornings i thought to myself ""wtf its 5 am why is the sun soo bright??"" because in my basement appartement i never really saw the sun.I do not want to say basement appartements are bad but its the time spend below earth that can drive you crazy. Or me at least. Anyway I am so relieved that I made it. After 19 years living in a small basmement appartement i finally found a job and was able to move up!",Depression +10117,"I tried being optimistic today. I told myself that today was going to be a good day. 3:24 pmsitting on my bathroom floor, crying, and drinking good ole pink whitney. *sigh*..*Typical Sunday afternoon* Hopelessness",Depression +10118,"I am kind of worried about my brain because i feel like i am getting stupider and stupider every second. My depression is okayish now, i am able to work kind of but i have problems remembering what i did yesterday, the day before and so on. I feel like its sooooo hard to remember stuff. I cannot concentrate on playing cards and not because i am mindwandering or having anxiety but because it is just so hard to *think*. Sometimes i even forget which day it is for a whole minute, how old i am, the gender of my unborn nephew, names... I always had that problem, even before my major depressive episode...Is this still depression?! Will it get better when the depression is better? Or could this be ADHD? Its hard to have a conversation because i am so fucking stupidOh and i take mirtazapine, could this be contributing to my poor memory and logic skills? Am i getting retarded or is this my depression?",Depression +10119,"Last night I had nightmares about my girlfriend cheating on me. This is the first time this has ever happened. we are in a loving relationship and the sex is great. she is honestly the best thing in my life. The only ray of light in my hell hole of a life. I guess my subconscious thinks I should question even her because nothing In my life has ever worked out.Its no exaggeration to say that our house looks as bad as the house in fight club. The chimney has cracks going all up the sides. the bathroom is covered in mold that comes back every time you bleach the surfaces. The cabinets in the kitchen are dyed with a thick layer of tobacco tar; if we boil water, the condensation drips down the doors and leaves streaks. We scrubbed them for a whole day but it only got some of it. The carpet is stained yellow from my aunt's cat living alone in there for a few months after she died and my cousin would not come get her. Before moving in we rug doctored it and although the water was black when we were done, it is still a smelly disgusting living room. There is no insulation, in fact in some parts of the wall near the doors and windows you can see to the outside. Our power bill is about 270 dollars a month thanks to that. For the last two years I have been living in squaller because my parents found it convenient. My grandmother lives next door you see. And she has congestive heart failure. So it is best to have someone there. I love my grandmother so I do not mind but it does become a lot sometimes. More than I can balance with a job. My commute is an hour and the pay is garbage but I was just fired from my other job where I was a manager. I was manager for a month before a disgruntled employee who did not get that position threatened to sue the company for racism since I am white and she was black. My boss told me not to worry about it and then a week later ""offered an opportunity"" for me to step down. When I refused, I got the axe. To make matters worse I cannot trust my family to help me. In fact I hate them. My father beat the shit out of me when I was a kid, he even used a 2x4 on me once. My mom used that to manipulate me to do whatever she wanted because ""she was on my side"" and when I broke that off it became if I say no it means I am a bad person. Because she would only ask for things that SEEMED like they were in the best interest of others but just by coincidence she got exactly what she wanted out of the deal too.I have had conversations with them both before but they just do not register what the problem is. I can spell it out for them but nothing ever changes. I am 26 years old and my parents still control everything and every time I try to shake them, they use their financial leverage to shackle me back up. Every time I get a job that pays well to start saving up, I get dozens of calls a day about how my grandmother needs this or that or my sister's need something all of a sudden or she will call something on one of my accounts and if I do not do this very time consuming task I will lose my money or some shit like that. But then if I do not have a job, I get the same treatment trying to force some shitty 10 dollar an hour bullshit retail job on me. And that is where I am at. If this is all life has to offer, I do not want any part of it anymore. My life is not worth living.",Depression +10120,"I have lost all my friends, my mum will not let me get professional help because it takes too long and they do not do shit my dad is an oblivious liar, I have been having panic attacks and anxiety attacks since September 2020, and I have them on an almost weekly basis. I have self harmed, but I have not since may, I did not feel anything for a month and whilst I can only feel fear and anger, its slowly coming back. With everyone gone there is nothing left for me to live for. I do not know what to do. I need help",Suicidal +10121,"My life has been pretty shit since i moved to my current city 8 years ago. Mental health has been on the rock bottom forever and i think i will not make it. I am starting to think i am shizophrenic , sometimes i cannot tell if the demons i see are my imagination, the voices i hear, and the faces of the dead i see when i close my eyes. help Should i ?",Suicidal +10122,"I am not really sure what I am expecting from this, but it probably cannot do any harm.I (18M) have been depressed for a little under a year now and feeling suicidal on and off for most of that time. Recently, things have worsened and I have started cutting myself and I feel like I am on the edge of just killing myself. I have not really got much to feel depressed about on the surface, I live in a wealthy part of the UK, I have got a decent family and I was lucky to go to a good enough school and have opportunities. But that does not change how I feel, which is hopeless and pretty neglected. I have always been the quiet, reserved one and I have not minded that so much, I have always been fine with my own company, especially since I was bullied mercilessly as a child. People who know me well get more humour and jolliness than strangers, but almost nobody knows anything actually personal about me. Since I have always lived fairly far from town, I never really had the same friendships as everyone else, or the freedom to go out and make them, even in my teenage years. It has left me feeling lonely, especially since many friends over the years have simply abandoned me. Simply put, I never seem like anyone's first choice, my parents have always focused on my brothers more than me and my friends are not really there for me at all; they never have been. Not one of them has asked if I have been OK in the last year, despite my still spending time in groups with them. I have tried asking for help or support, but I never know how to say it. I have always been very good at hiding my own feelings and problems and been the one who listens, who solves other people's problems. ""Hey I am depressed and want to off myself, got any tips?"" is not the best conversation opener I have ever heard. I knew a friend who described the looks he got when his depression became evident to his friends - ""like a wounded animal"". He described how he felt everyone was permanently walking on eggshells around him. I do not want that for myself, especially not since I know that my parents would never let me out of their sight knowing I was suicidal.My boyfriend, well, where to start. I genuinely thought he was the one, stupid at my age as that sounds, I know. Everything had going so well, but I wonder if our relationship has stopped being healthy recently. He sometimes becomes argumentative and angry when we are texting about things, and criticises things about me, my life and my family. Some of it is quite fair, but the sheer hate and rage bordering on contempt I feel from him when he does this hurts me a lot. Most of the time he is sweet and funny and never angry in person, but the angry episodes online have become more frequent. I have tried standing up a little more for myself (which I find very difficult in general) or asking for him to be kinder with me, but nothing really changes. I am beginning to wonder if he is emotionally abusive or not, but it is hard for me to tell anything about anything at the moment while I have a lens of depression over everything I think. Resisting the cognitive distortion that he hates me like everyone else is already using a lot of my energy.To be honest, I could go on all night giving tired rants about this that and the other that is gone wrong in my life or that I hate about myself, but I will not bore you with all that. Suffice it to say, I have got no hope left and I am tired of going through the effort of living everyday. I hate that my reaction to anything bad happening now is the urge to cut myself, and I have been wishing for death every day for some time now. If everyone knew how much I was hurting they would probably treat me better but that is not really the point, is it.I have decided I will kill myself in 4 days, but I do not know how yet. I fear death, but I do not want to live any more.Thank you for reading if you got this far, I am sorry I wrote so much - it just sort of happened. I have had enough",Suicidal +10123,"I do not know maybe I am just morbid. Although I say that in a forum filled with many a morbid people. But I would probably consider myself pretty recovered. Hard to say but a quick comparison to taking genuinely lethal overdoses every night to wondering whether I should put down Stardew valley and go to sleep at night, is a pretty gigantic change. But its funny, its still there. I bump my hip in to the side of the counter- why do not you kill yourself you stupid bitch. Not every time. But a fair amount. I guess I just do not really get to talk about the weird change because the people I am around have not experienced it in the same way I have. But yeah. Its just a strange existence. Sorry. Anyone here ever just come back to remember what was?",Suicidal +10124,Recently I self sabotaged with a girl and we broke things off she was not interested in being with someone who needed reassurance bc of her ex and I get that. I have a job I hate so much I am mistreated and I am uncomfortable I work as a maintenance worker bc I have no real skills and at my job I just feel so unhappy and joyless. My home life I feel like I am ignored or I am a background character I do not feel like I matter I never did but lately its been really damaging. I push away friends bc they want to help and I know what I should do but its the same issue with the girl I am always looking for reassurance. I am at a point now where I am asking myself should I go on antidepressants?? Does it even matter ? Idk if life will ever get better or if Ill ever be happy so I am now considering suicide as it might be my only option and it might be the answer I ask myself should I kill myself? Maybe the afterlife is this perfect paradise no bullshit its a perfect place where nothing goes wrong .its worth the shot I think its time and I do not think there is any other option I think I am going to call out of work tomorrow and end it I am 95% sure Ill go through with it I think its my time I cannot go on and I do not want to I do not know if it gets better,Suicidal +10125,"I do not want to go into a lot of detail, I was wondering if maybe some of you know this feeling. Since I was a kid there was a string of deaths in my family and I have always had long periods of numbess or detachment, questioning reality sometimes at night, etc. I have had a death in my family recently and it is been worse than ever. People seem fake/empty and boring, causing me to avoid social activities even more. The worst is when I force myself to hang out with ""normal people"" talking/complaining about trivial things, I just want to get up and leave. Nothing brings joy or excitement because it feels ""off"".Death and the passing of time freak me out horribly and I begin to doubt anything even exists, maybe even my ""self"" is an artefact of some sort. I do not know what I like or who I am, I kind of stole personality traits and interests from other people, nothing feels real. Everything just freaks me out so badly that I kind of disconnect I guess. In a way I am grateful for the numbness as I fear ""waking up"". Beyond our everyday bullshit there is a great black void that I cannot wrap my brain around. Have you ever had this feeling and how do you cope with it? Everything feels fake",Depression +10126,I keep on getting the same answer from them so why am I still here? -,Suicidal +10127,"I want to end it all. Are there any painless options? I tried hanging myself last night and it did not hurt at all . But the rope I used broke. I do not have a gun. I am afraid of high places. Cutting that deep would be painful, but I just love the thought of watching myself slowly bleed to death. But I do not know why. I have heard that ODing can be painful or you could just not die at all and paralyze yourself. Please help Please help",Suicidal +10128,"I am diagnosed with depression. I will be starting meds, most likely Zoloft since things are not getting better with therapy. One big symptom of my depression is low energy. Does Zoloft help with this? My psychiatrist said that Zoloft and Prozac help with the low energy that comes with depression. My mom and grandma also are on/used to be on Zoloft for depression, and it helped for my mom at least. My psych said it should help with my anxiety also. This is my first time on psych meds so I rlly hope I can find the right one for me. Does Zoloft help with energy?",Depression +10129,"my boyfriend is constantly doing stuff for me or buying me flowers and dinner. meanwhile I feel like I do nothing for him. i put my everything into my last relationship and it drained me so I do not even feel like doing the cutsie little things like leaving him notes because my heart is so broken. And it is not because I am not ready for a relationship, it has been over 2 years. I usually get all excited when hr gets me stuff but recently it has been all too much because I do not feel like I deserve it. I do not deserve all he does for me and in my state of depression I have no idea how I can even begin to repay him. I have no idea how I can thank him because I am so broke and I am broken. Every time he does nice things now I just feel like the worst person ever and it makes me so upset that he gives me so much of himself when I am so broken and truly do not deserve it. Obviously I have not expressed any of this to him because I do not want to seem ungrateful I am so angey",Depression +10130,Wow how pathetic. that is how I seek enjoyment now. I was just wondering if anybody else does this. Getting high from choking myself,Depression +10131,I ruined a wonderful relationship. I am so down. I do not want to live rt now. I have had a rough few months. I feel so bad. I am so depressed,Suicidal +10132,"I have no money, no friends, no place to live I think its all over and I am tired of acting like I am going to turn it around. I am finally going to end it and everybody will finally understand. I am finish trying to seek out help or help myself. I do not matter anymore. I have nothing",Suicidal +10133,"I am 19 and still do not even know when I would be able to leave my parents house, I am tired all the time, physically and mentally, most of the time id rather stay in bed forever and wait for my body to punish me for it. My sleep schedule is out of walk, waking up at 4pm and gts at 5am. I have recently stopped working at Chipotle due to it being a toxic environment because of the managers screaming at the top of their lungs at me for small things so now I have no job again. My health anxiety is not helping either, getting the random spikes of adrenaline, weird pains in my arms, brain fog, chest pains, and other weird stuff. I barely made it out of highschool and I am constantly being asked about going to college or what I want to do for the future, but I do not know what I want to do, I have no motivation to do anything either. A lot of times I get up to walk from being in bed and I feel so tired and weak, I am a skinny dude too, 127 lbs due to barely eating anymore and just sleeping. Constant derealization, how can I cope an just stop this, I feel like it is just slowly killing me and I nothing I have done feels like it is working in the slightest when I do manage to put in an effort.. I do not Know What to Do.",Depression +10134,I am just sick of life. I cannot deal with the pain. I feel like such a burden. I just want support and someone to listen. I want to kill myself ; (,Suicidal +10135,"i think i might be bisexual , but i live in a country that is homophobic/biphobic/transphobic and it scares me . i can never come out of the closet for the fear of getting expelled or having no job or any friends . i will always be judged or sexualized . the fear of becoming a victim of correctional rape scares me . i just do not want to live this way , i want to change it all , but there is no way sometimes i wonder if i was not born this way , things would have been so better i just feel like I am losing hope",Suicidal +10136,See my post here for [details]( have been considering jumping in front of a train. I think that if I jump between stations rather than at a station where a train is slowing down I will have a high chance of succeeding. At the moment the only thing stopping me is the agony that this will potentially inflict on my family. Lost my entire life savings to a cryptocurrency scam and have been considering suicide.,Suicidal +10137,"I am at the end of my rope. I have an online summer course I have to finish but I feel like I am going crazy I do not sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and all the work is making me feel sick. My school will not give me more time which makes me more anxious, and I always sleep late. I think hurting myself is the only way people will understand. Everyone keeps ignoring me when I try to tell them that I am falling apart. No one is listening",Suicidal +10138,"Hello I am 11 (do not ban me because I have nowhere else okay, literally nowhere)I live in Vancouver BC Canada and since i was 3 I wanted to move to the US, its like a 30 minute drive anyway. I like their politics, I know their anthem (every single word) I know miles, feet and Fahrenheit. I wrote 39 lists about why we should move, and i only need to convince my mom because I just have her not really my dad or anyone, and she tutors online so she can still do that in the US. She has already lived in FL for 12 years, she has the permits and stuff but I have been trying to convince her for years I do not like Canada pls help I am so tired of trying to convince her and she is mean to me and hits me just help me convince her to move otherwise I need to die because I am done Hi ik this is not a persuasion sub but this has made me so depressed I am going to try to die",Suicidal +10139,"You ever get that feeling of either complete numbness to the pain you have gotten used to or totally anxious to a lot of things that you should be doing in your life to turn it around and you know what and how to exactly do it but something just holds you back for whatever reason..Thus we are stuck with the daily routine of watching days pass by waiting for that one free time of the day (if you are working or at school) to just lose yourself and forget about troubles by doing a hobby i.e. netflix, videogames etc.. and then you wake up and rinse and repeat.. Just cannot sleep like a normal person anymore unless I am super exhausted.. If I try to lie down and close my eyes, I think of a million scenarios of ""what could have been"" and ""what ifs"" it is so hard to sleep..",Depression +10140,"You deserve so much better than me. I am a terrible person, and I am sorry. I will go now. I am Sorry.",Depression +10141,"Its been so long. So many years wasted laying in my bed avoiding everything. Because I do not belong in this world. If Id actually done something about it when I was younger it might have worked out better. But I got pushed to the back when my siblings needed special care for their needs. I pushed it all to the back of my mind so I would not be a burden if I asked for help. Ill do it later was always the way I looked at it. Deal with the feelings later. But now its a decade later and I still feel like I have not done anything to fix it. I have tried therapy, pills, mindfulness, all of the bullshit they tell you will help. Pills gave me worse feelings, therapy felt belittling and like I was just an issue they wanted out of the office, mindfulness does not work. My own psychiatrist does not even help. He pushes pills endlessly or tells me well stick to Zoloft for now, it seems to be working I am on half the dose I was on before, he even said abilify was not needed anymore. It is not working, doctor. I am tired of pills, therapists, appointments. I want it to stop. I have even started thinking about ECT. Just zap it back to normal. If its unfixable, just tell me already. Just tell me there is no fucking hope and let me leave. Stop giving me these false hopes. Its too hard to cope with. I am so angry with it all. I just want to be fixed. I want to be better. that is all I want. To exist without suffering. Over half my lifetime spent in misery.",Depression +10142,"I want to talk to someone about it, but I am not diagnosed. I do not have all of the major symptoms (at least not constantly) OR an understandable ""because"" for having depression, so I am not comfortable with telling my friends.But I am going somewhere in a month, and then I will not be able to see someone about it for around 8-11 weeks. Should I see someone in the 4 weeks I have or is it a waste? I will not be able to go to therapy until probably the end of October, at least. But I THINK I may have depression",Depression +10143,To get drunk as fuck tomorrow morning early morning for like 4 hours I already bought the drinks.If i cannot kill myself ill fucking get drunk as fuck. FUCK IT. I am Going,Suicidal +10144,"I am currently 17, and i think i manifested to commit before turning 18. i feel my suicidal thoughts taking over. its the only thing I have been able to think about. bruh ._____. i hate myself I am killing myself before i turn 18",Suicidal +10145,"Why does everything feel so hard? It feels hard to love, to hate, to do, to not do.. what is the point of struggling through friendships, romance, family, work, leisure? there is no alternative everything is just hard and were here to feel it. Just depressing. Our depressing reality",Depression +10146,"Somehow survived to be 30 years old. I never expected it and it is not any easier, but its something. I am cutting on my birthday alone in a parking lot but I am alive. I can still help people before I lose this war with depression. I cannot accomplish enough to find value in myself, though I have tried. I am living for others and that is the best Ill get to in this life. 15 Years, I am in Pain but I am Here",Depression +10147,"I am a guy with no friends, I have never had a girlfriend, I feel like a cowardly loser. My mind feels like it is going to explode at any moment. Killing me seems the only way out. I wanted to turn off my mind for like 5 years",Suicidal +10148,"it is to late to call up friends.I do not want to game or call up friends.do not want to shower, not in the mood.do not want to work rn.Any suggestions on what I can do when bored and stressed without what seems to be a viable option? Good, fun things to do late at night?",Depression +10149,"Been through some very bad times, and wondered what others do to feel better.Number one choice , to vent to someone, well not many has that, so I decided to start a shop This is my new shop, iVentCost is a bit a patience and possibly a lot of friendshipI'm a guy, idk if it matters but ik people have their own need and comfort zone, I am open to everything, every discussion, every vent , anything you can throw at meAnd Remember, ILY and here is a hug () Need to went, or want a Hug?",Suicidal +10150,"I am pretty sure that I will do it soon, but I need a way where my family can see my body fully when I am gone. I hate myself so much I live in a lie. I do not know if I am bi or gay and I feel like nothing. I am afraid to live and I will not ever love myself so why keep continuing. what is the easiest way to kill myself?",Suicidal +10151,"I am sorry if this is not allowed already asked on askreddit but they are not really helping. I have not packed yet, just now got boxes to pack my stuff, my current apartment still is a depression nest, i feel overwhelmed to the point it is hard to move. Indon't have any friends or family to help. I know I need to pack but maybe you have a good tip other than ""packing"" or "" get off reddit"". I already started a few times byt after a few items I just do not have the energy to do anymore and just sit down again. Moving, depression, 16 hours left",Depression +10152,"I am fine currently. But I think about leaving this life even everything is fine. I never tried it because I am afraid about the pain when my heart stops beating. But I have no goals in my life and for me I would not bother to die or try it.Turning 24 next year and I do not see a point for myself.I just wish I would have never been born, because now I have to make a decision, if I stay with no direction or die young.I even have planned my death, I know how, where, which time of the year, set up a playlist, I know which person I would write last words, I just do not have a real reason.Is it bad or weird to think like that even everything is currently good? Just do not want to try living until I am old. Not really depressed but.....",Depression +10153,I really need some help how to deal with depression and what do you guys do when you are feeling down? how to deal with depression?,Depression +10154,"Hi. I am pretty young (under 18, if that counts), and dealing with BPD that keeps getting worse and worse. Every night it gets worse. More suicidal ideations, more intrusive thoughts. Its awful. Its absolutely agonizingThe icing on the cake is, ill never be able to have a stable relationship. Been there, done that, i always end up hurting them or splitting. I do not know what to do. Like i said, they keep getting worse. I have had 3 breakdowns today i cannot stop sobbing because i know its all going to end and i was put on this planet just to fight for my sanity and die. I hear voices. I am obviously not stable i cannot even act put together anymore no matter how hard i try. I feel bad for even posting this here because its not going to matter, plus I am showing weakness to abunch of strangers online. I am too exhausted though. I need somewhere to vent before i blow up.. I already kindof have if I am being honest haha. Well. Yeah essentially i feel like a bag of shit because ill never be correct or normal. I am flawed, I am majorly flawed and i cannot confide in people none of them understandThough i was still suffering from this a few years ago, holy shit i did not know it was possible to feel this much dread. And its never 'valid' enough because my mood swaps so much but I am not even happy when I am manic just ahehhshs its painful and i want to slit my throat whenever I am manic because i say dumb shit i never shut up and its beyond annouongebsbs okay thanks cya. An interesting title.",Suicidal +10155,Has anyone tried rexulti before? Question:,Depression +10156,"Before I used to be thinking about suicide from mid 2020, from mid 2021 so for about a year, it was horrible, days returning home just sit behind my door having a mental breakdown, crying myself to sleep, thinking about suicide. Over the past few months I have gotten better, I have strayed away from people who hurt me, tried to abide my parents all the time to prevent being yelled at, I still have mental breakdowns and think of suicide once in a while, but I do not really think of it as an option nowadays, I fear one day I will just get worse and worse and never heal. I hope that never happens. But to whomever reading this, things can change. For the better. To whomever is reading this, I love you, you are precious you are beautiful, you deserve the world. To whomever is reading this, please do not hurt yourself, please. Something good for once?",Suicidal +10157,"I have been in a relationship for 9 years with a woman I thought I was going to marry, nine years later I feel as she is the reason I feel like I want to end my life. over nine years we have been on and off mostly on but we have broken up 4 times in those years. Always because I could not deal with her undiagnosed bipolar. She had finally got diagnosed four years ago but refuses to take meds but last year she got pregnant with our second child her third. After she gave birth she decided she was going to take meds for her anxiety bc it could be a stresser to her bipolar issue did so for three months then she fell pregnant again with our third her fourth child and has been told to get off her meds. So for the past 13 weeks she had been off her meds and it has been extremely hard due to her bringing up things that have happened in our relationship over the years but she always brings them back up and last year when she was pregnant I screwed up more then I ever have and was talking to another woman thousands of miles away sexually. But have since realized I was wrong and I really do love this woman but for the past few months it has been very hard to not give in to my depression. She bully's me and tells me I am worthless and fat and lazy and I do not make enough I do not do enough I do not help enough I do not do enough for my kid I do not give her enough time to just do her. I get she is mad but last week she went four days of being nice and saying she hurt me as much as I hurt her so why continue and said she was done. And for the last five days she has been treating me like shit again but really attacking my depression and making sure I want to end my life then says no one cares you do not have anyone that cares about you. Idk what to do we have three kids and i have no one to go to or anywhere to crash for a few days and neither does she and it has been like that for our whole relationship so idk how to progress our relationship or my mental and I just keep going back to the things she says. How to realize I am the problem",Suicidal +10158,"Hey everyone..hope you are all doing well.. I basically made a mistake and I have been stressed out and crying all day what happened is that I weaned off of mirtazapine 50 days ago the withdrawal was really hard and i had to go to the ER 3 times bc of it..thankfully it passed but a week ago i forgot my Ambien at home and had to travel, could not sleep and had rebound insomnia and my depression got worse cuz i could not sleep for 2 days straight so my sister suggested that i take mirtazapine for 6 days (she takes it) and i did until we got back, now I am feeling really bad, guilty and stressed out that all my weaning off is ruined and I am afraid that i will experience the withdrawal and suffering again.. I am sorry if i sound dramatic i just cannot afford to go to a doctor rn and i need some advice, will i go through withdrawal again? I only took 15 mg for 6 days.. P.S excuse my english its not my first language Not mentally stable and could use some advice..please help me",Depression +10159,"I have problems with hormones and I could not get my meds for 2 weeks. I am still waiting for my prescription...Now I want to take everything I have in my medical cabinet to just dissappear and leave a note to everyone that loves me ""do not blame yourself"".I hate that feeling, and I am still waiting for another symptoms like migraine every day. I would never wish that on my worse enemy. I have a job, I have amazing partner, loving family, two lovely cats... why I am afraid of living? Why I want to dissappear so fucking much? I know I will get my meds, but right now feels like hell and I want to escape it as soon as possible. Hormones causing depression",Depression +10160,"I am thinking of killing myself because I am so useless, I have no talents, skills I am ugly, fat. My mom is dissapointed at me and my dad hates me. And I think my friends are starting to hate me. This past 4 years of my life I think I tried everything so that my parents can be proud of me. I started to study hard and got good grades, like really good grades next I tried to be fit and be more active again. But nothing really changed, my parents looked even more dissapointed at me. I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot open up to my parents because they would be more dissapointed plus they would not care on what I say. that is why I think dying is the best solution.(I am sorry if my grammar is bad or my story is a bit confusing, its just I can think straight at the moment) I am so Useless",Depression +10161,"Hello. I do not have depression, yet from time to time I have an urge to cry, and a lot of anger inside.Everytime I cry, my face skin gets even more stressed so.. sometimes I get worried about recovering lolIm in chronic stress right now, so its hard to do both... I try to keep my urge to cry, since I do not have many people... I do not have support and I have to move onWhy does face skin gets that stressed?How do I recover it in terms of trauma itself? How does one work traumas?",Depression +10162,"I am thinking of burning charcoal in my unserviced, poorly ventilated fireplace...how long would that take? would it because much pain?Any other options with ""little"" pain? I am thinking of resorting to going to a gun show; pulling the trigger seems ""easy"" Least painful options?",Suicidal +10163,"Idk where else to post this, but this is something I have been thinking about a bit. And I do not mean this post in a gate keeping or judging way. I deep down always kind of suspect that suicide attempts where people take a big amount of a pill but do not take anything to prevent throwing up are more of a cry for help thing just like cutting yourself superficial, so there will not be any scars but some blood and crust to show. People see someone on tv or wherever doing it and recognize that these kind of actions/tropes communicateIm desperate/I need help and then replicate them to communicate this message to their environment. I think this kind of blurs the line between really suicidal people/people who harm themselves as symptoms of an mental illness and the ones who are just asking for help. Suicide as an ask for help",Suicidal +10164,Every day my teacher repeats be a radiator not a drain it fuels my urge just cut deeply and forget everything. Positivity,Suicidal +10165,"Having your brain work against you is probably up there with some of the most difficult things to comprehend. There are so many instances in life where it decides that ""this is it, this is life now"". Wishing things could be different or that you could have done something or helped someone only seems to worsen the fact that ""it will not get better"". Because it will. It will get better. We face difficulties that we think other people do not understand. They do. And they want to help. Life is strange and sometimes seems impossible. But you can win. You can feel better. Life is strange",Depression +10166,"Hi all,I write this just because I need to let it out. Its a description of my current situation without the full story or details, otherwise it would be a very long post. Thanks to whoever will have the patience to read it.My family situation has always been precarious and I had little to none margin of error, but I have got everything wrong nonetheless. I am a 30 years old guy and I do not know how much time Ill have to live yet, but what I know is that whatever Ill do, Ill continue to fail.I hate my job because I am full of work, underpaid and I cannot stand my boss attitude and a few of my colleagues. I am always stressed, nervous, angry and sad. Id like to leave the job, but I developed a fear of driving and the public transport is a mess where I live in. Even if I could face my fear, I would not have the money to buy a car.However, Ill have an interview tomorrow. Its a 90 minutes commute of walk, bus and train, but if they take me and the salary is a bit better Ill accept it, because if I continue this way Ill explode of anger and leave my current job before finding another one. But I have low expectations.At home it is not better. My father abandoned me even before my birth. I barely ever had a good relationship with my mother. Probably she sees in me her disappointment with my father and other men. But I am not a psychologist, so that is just my theory. She is unemployed and over-indebted and we will loose my grandparents house in the next years. I loved my grandparents and I love this house. I tried anything I could to save it, but I failed.I have got no friends. I am an introverted guy with a need for solitude and I cannot physically and mentally bear a mundane life. Even when I had friends more like me, I always alienated them. But now I feel lonely and sad.At night I think and I cannot sleep. If I sleep, I have nightmares. Nothing good will happen and, even if it would, I would ruin it. Lately I am always sensitive and irascible and I am starting to have thoughts that I do not like.I am so tired of living and I just want to die. Sometimes I daydream of living my last days and then peacefully die in my bed. When I do, I feel serene. I am so tired of living",Depression +10167,I do not have any motivation to do anything i just want to lie down in bed till I die I am falling behind in my education and everything because of this but I just cannot get myself to do anything please help Help me please,Depression +10168,"I cannot get excited about things without feeling this constant heavy feeling of dread during or shortly after. I have been like this since I was a kid. I have tried anti-depressants, therapy but nothing works and I think I am now being complacent that this feeling of wanting to disappear is not ever going away. I am in a relationship with someone who has his own issues but is generally supportive and have a dog that I love more than anything in the world(only thing keeping me alive). I wonder what happens to people like us, do they just live out their lives and die with this feeling of dread, never actually feeling fulfilled? Is suicide the only ultimatum for people with heavy long term depression? or do they live long enough and the feeling slowly dissipate or something.. Here I am wishing I could maybe figure out one good thing about my depression to make it worthwhile..Replies/Advice welcomed I am envious of people who seem to get excited about life and things(Trigger warning)",Depression +10169,"This year has been a bit challenging emotionally. I am not really sure where to go with this as I hate burdening my loved ones with really unhappy things, so for now I am just going to yell into the void of Reddit so I can organize all my thoughts and get them out. In short: I am extremely unhappy with the person I seem to be recently. Its almost like I was a different person last year and even the year before that especially. I was happier. Everything was generally okay. Life felt good for the most part. And now, for the past 6 or 7 months or so, I have been largely a hot mess.It does not make much sense, because things are good right now. I should be happy. In December I moved into my own place with my partner who I love dearly, and everything between us is wonderful. We adopted a cat. I was able to find a job here in our new town right after moving. I have made acquaintances despite my horrible social anxiety. In theory, everything is *wonderful*. But for some reason, despite all that, I have spent the grand majority of this time going through cycles of misery. My self-esteem has hit an all time low, and that is saying something. I frequently put myself down. I feel like a failure despite my accomplishments. I have been crying almost daily, or at least several times a week. I seem to cry way more easily now, because I used to only cry every once in a while. I have many moments almost on the daily where I just feel very sad, angry, or grumpy. Sometimes my entire day will be ruined by one small thing and I will turn into an irritable unfun person for pretty much the rest of the day. I hate being this way. It cannot be fun for my loved ones, and its certainly not fun for me. I have been withdrawing from keeping in touch with friends, too. Deep down, I am afraid they secretly do not want to hear from me. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I cannot help thinking it.I am not sure if this is depression or what. I have struggled with anxiety and OCD since I was a child but I have never been to a psychologist about this specific issue. And now I am in a small town so access to in person therapy is rough to find. I am looking for telehealth options, but in the meantime I am unsure what to make of myself lately. Sometimes I worry I am just overreacting, but it cannot be okay to feel this way so consistently... right? Does this sound normal, or is it worth seeking help?",Depression +10170,"I tried to kill myself via overdose. It was stupid and even though Id been planning on doing it a few days it was terribly organised, desperate and last minute. I find myself lately thinking of ordering proper equipment online to commit suicide when I have the opportunity in a cleaner sort of more comfortable way. I honestly do not want to think like this but I am stuck in this rut I cannot get out of and I am not coping at all without thoughts of the future and how bleak and impossible everything looks. I have cut loads of people out and minimised contact for the past several years. I do not know if I have just been doing that because I want less people to hurt or it takes me too much energy or what. I do not feel I think too clearly about things like that. Sometimes it is easier having no one and keeping everything to yourself because people cannot be trusted. I feel worried about what will come of my failed suicide attempt. I have felt seriously unstable for a few years now. There are some mornings I have woken up wondering and trying to remember if I took an overdose that day or not. I got out of hospital today",Suicidal +10171,How do i make them feel at peace with my choice? I know it hurts but what can I do for them to accept it? How do I ease the suffering of my loved ones after I die?,Suicidal +10172,"I got a job offer for place that is I feel I completely click with and I rushed to accept. After 2 minutes of excitement, I just went back to feeling nothing again. I will have to move away, upend my life completely, make new friends and meet new people. This should all be really exciting but I just feel completely nothing. Even worse is that I feel so privileged making this post. So many people are in such a worse position and cannot say the same, which just makes me completely awful even complaining in the first place. I am sorry this is a bit rambly but I just had to vent. I just got a dream job in my field, why do not I feel anything?",Depression +10173,"I have depression and general anxiety and need a job that does not leave me by myself the whole time but is also not too fast paced and stressful that I get overwhelmed. It kind of seems like to me that when you ask for both of those things they do not really combine I would rather not be doing mindless tasks, as they really let my mind wonder making me kind of su\*cidal and dissociate. I am just so stumped on what to do. I want to get back out on the world and start living again but I do not know how to work around my depression and anxiety. Therapy and Medication has not worked so I need to do the best I can to at least get to a basic level of functioning again. I guess it is also worth mentioning that I am 19 and have like 0 interest in any field at all. I am really just looking for something I can get started on right nowHelp is really appreciated! cannot find a job that fits both depression and anxiety. Feeling stuck and need some suggestions please!!",Depression +10174,"Does coffee drinking worsen your depression overall, do you notice your more down when you get and energy crash? Coffee, Caffeine and depression, ocd",Depression +10175,Feel like none of my crushes truly liked me back and knew how much I meant to them and used me. I am always their 2nd choice and no one will truly love me for who I am. I know how they treat me but I just take it all in because I am pathetic and helpless. Love life,Depression +10176,"Since I can remember I have always been a sad child on the inside. I blame it on my parents. Our relationship is not that great, although I believe they never realized it because they have been to absorbed in their own opinions. I feel as if they never really loved me, because they have always been lacking emotional support. I know they try in their own way and they are not bad people but I still resent them to this day for deciding to have children if they do not know how to care for them. If I was sad or had any kind of problems my parents would always dismiss them as ""childish and irrelevant"", ""that will not matter in 5 years anyway"", ""do not be so sensitive"", ""you are such a crybaby"". So I learned from an early age to deal with any kind of emotional needs and distress on my own. In elementary school I used to have a lot of friends and I always used to pride myself with being a good and reliable friend. So when one of my friends was cast out because of something that was out of her control I stood by her side. And I was the only one that did. When the others decided to forgive her I was stranded alone, left behind by the only friend I had. With the beginning of puberty I developed an eating disorder that to this day has gone unnoticed to my parents. I used to skip breakfast, throw away my lunch at school and only eat one meal when I would come home. I was really skinny, kind of underweight. I would lay in my bed at night and my stomach would hurt, screaming at me to get some food and I would just lay there and enjoy it, feeling accomplished. It was not even about weight or looks, people always told me I was too skinny. It was simply about control. The only person I could rely on and that I trusted was my cat. I loved her very much. She would always sleep on my bed nearly every night. On the outside I was always a very happy person, that might even be something I was known for.It took some time, a lot of third-weeling and always being put on the back-burner until I found the great friends that I now have and I am unbelievably thankful for them. They are my only support system - a support system that I build on my own. From then on things went good for once. I was in school nearly all day - away from by parents, could spend time with my friends, got good grades, my eating disorder got better. I was really happy those couple years of my life. The happiest I have ever been. And then my cat died. She was with me for 10 years and there has never been anyone I have loved more than her. With 17 I got my first boyfriend and I was very happy. I honestly think if my cat had not died I would have stayed single but I felt so lonely after that. Things got bad pretty quickly. It started with yelling and jealousy, controlling behaviour. I noticed it, but I was too weak to break up. I was already in too deep and hoped that it would get better with time. I had a lot of compassion and understanding for him because I knew he had a rough childhood and saw some serious stuff. But of course it only got worse from there. Those 1 1/2 years where torture. I was being manipulated into feeling like the bad guy, worthless even when I was the one being insulted, held against my will, pushed, beaten, threatend and even raped. I regularly had bruises that I hid successfully from everyone else. I really tried to help him but I realised that there was nothing I could do without endangering myself. At the end of our relationship I was seriously suicidal. My eating disorder got really bad and I was critically underweight. My parents of course did not notice that either. I mustered all my strenght to break up with him and filed a report to the police (only for assault because that was the only thing I had any kind of evidence for).My father drove me to the police. They were considerate for like a week until they acted like nothing happend after that. My mother complained that I did not want to go to a family reunion we had planned, like she did not find out her daughter was assaulted for months three days ago. After that she told me something that I will never forget. She told me how bad SHE was suffering after hearing what happend to me and how bad of a mother she felt now, all whilst never asking how I was doing or offering any help. I was doing better for a couple of months, being relieved that I am not in that relationship anymore. But it has been getting worse. I have diagnosed insomnia and anxiety, now maybe even depression. Pills have not been helping and therapy is taking way to long to show effects. I have panic attacks that feel like I am dying. My parents are also not considerate of that or take it into account when interacting with me whatsoever. The last month I had a rough patch where I started driking alcohol and taking my medication I ways that I should not. I realise now that there was one incident where I nearly could have died.I have been trying to move out because I just need to get away from here. Everything here reminds me of bad things in the past and I feel trapped. My parents want to buy an appartment for me - which sounds nice at first, but it is only in their interest. They do not want to pay money to rent, they want to earn money from the real estate and because nobody wants to sell we have been searching for months unsuccessfully. When I mentioned that a friend wanted to rent an apartment in the same city, around the same time and suggested we search together and split rents as roomates they threatend that I would need to sue them for the money that they would be legally obligated to pay me (where I live parents have to pay you money to live until you finish your degree). So as you see people in my life have always made it unnecessarily hard for me. I hope I can move out very soon or I will go insane. People made my life very hard - telling my story",Suicidal +10177,"I just do not know how longer I can do it. I used to call myself a survivor. But I know I am not one. I know time's running out for me.I do not really know how much,but there would not be enough time. I know that I can cheat death only for so long before it gets me for good. And I have doing that my entire life. One day it would get me by hook or crook,one way or another.I am still holding on and trying but I cannot stop hiding from it forever. And I know I am losing this game like always but this time it would be a permanent check mate. In this so called game of life,this would probably be my last failure.I know that just by writing all this makes me so selfish in a lot of ways,but I do not know what to do. I do not know how to end this post,so this also would remain incomplete (edited) I used to call myself a survivor. But I know I am not one.",Depression +10178,"I have been through so much. I am a strong person so it really has been too much. At some point I thought I was meant to commit suicide because I just could not understand why. I felt like a little dog being beaten up by a psychopath human. Only I was the dog and God was the human. So you can kill me God, I give up. I know it would bring a smile on your wicked face. You asshole. You can just kill me God, it is ok.",Suicidal +10179,"About 3 months ago I finally decided to go to the doctor by reccomendation of my relative after another heavy depressive episode. It was just one visit, and after that I stopped going because of workload at my university I felt I could not keep up. I know I should not expect miracles after one visit, but even this one felt so incredibly hard, I did not know how to describe my feelings, why I wanted to die or should I even share too much details of my life. I was also prescribed antidepressants for a month but i do not think it helped. Now I am at rock bottom again and want to start my visits again, but I do not know, I am afraid I am just helpless and I am stuck being miserable for life. And the guilt that these visits are being paid from my parents' pockets does not help... I want to get help but afraid it will not do anything",Suicidal +10180,"I am 22. i have a whole life ahead. every night before i sleep, i pray, please end my suffering. its funny how I am an atheist but I am still praying to any god out there who will listen to my prayers. I am so tired. i should have killed myself when i was 12. i just want to die",Suicidal +10181,"I have never had an evaluation or anything since I was 5 or 6 but I am interested in talking with someone to solve some inner issues. As of Friday I no longer have a career (got booted, weird long story) and finally have some free time to work on myself. I have never been without a job and always worked nonstop so I have never worked on myself. Just need to know what to look for in my insurance to start this. How would I know if my insurance covers therapy?",Depression +10182,"Was that too fucking much to ask for? Already 2 years of college ruined going on a third, because of DeltaIf I cannot have any of the remotely good in life, why the FUCK am I obligated to go through the bad, aka the rest of life as a miserable wage slave working some shitty ass 9-5 with serf pay? All I asked for was one normal senior year",Suicidal +10183,"just a person who has no energy to live, who hurts himself from depression and the like I am a zombie.this is torture ... how to live like this. I put people in danger and I managed to save myself in time but I still feel like the biggest shit in this world. I hate fucking Albanians, what can a 19-year-old zombie do in his life than to rot in despair and misery and suffering.and I hate people and the human race and I hate the human hierarchy even more.imagine how stupid the world is, you have beautiful people to whom everything in life happens the way they want. And us who were born to suffer and be zombies. No wonder people turn to crime and corruption, at least zombies there have something that looks like life do not look at this post i am ugly even over text",Depression +10184,"I am a fucking dumbass who everyone hates, so why should I even try to build relationships or be a good person? I am going to die next week probably. Everyone hates me, so fuck this world, fuck my friends and fuck my family. I do not need anyone when I am going to die.",Suicidal +10185,how do I make a noose so I suicide? how do I make a noose?,Depression +10186,"I have had these thoughts for a month now... i know that it is not much but it just keeps getting worse..I am transgender, so at the start they were ""just"" really strong gender dysphoria... but then i started... ""remembering"" all the bad things that i did... i hurted a lot of people in my life, both phisically and mentally... i deserve all this suffering, really. I do not blame the people who mock me for that, really. Every single thing that i do is either futile or leads to me hurting someone. As i said before, i hurted a lot of people in my life... and i do not want to do this anymore.. i want them to be happy. I want them to live a beautiful life... A life that i somehow limited...it is all my fault, really. No one deserves to suffer. No one. Exept me. I know it. So the only thing that i want to say to them is ""I am sorry"". For everything that i did.I hope they can live. They need to. After all, i took away things from them... it is only fair for me to suffer, while they enjoy living... Right? Every thing that they do is justified, i know. it is not bullying, absolutely not, i deserve it... right...?I do not know what to do anymore... I am not ready for this... it happened all too quickly... i... should just die, and stop making everyone,myself included, suffering... right? I am sorry",Suicidal +10187,"Does anybody here wake up, and instead of feeling super groggy and not wanting to get up, you instead feel extreme stress + extreme despair + extreme nervous energy? Like you HAVE to get up and do SOMETHING but you do not know what that ""something"" is? You are hit with a wave of extreme low mood and extreme anxiousness at the same time?To me, this is the most maddening of a depressive state. Depression + intense stress?",Depression +10188,"I hate how I have literally zero energy to do anything that would help me out of this situation. Even typing this shit and trying to form a coherent sentence that expresses how I am actually feeling is too much. I cannot do it. I do not even know how to describe it anymore. I feel so numb and paralyzed even though I have no reason to feel like this anymore. Everything I say or write does not describe how much I am struggling and how confusing everything is to me. Every word is useless. I am overly self aware of myself, how I act and how I think, that I will not let myself do anything anymore. I instantly dismiss every thought or idea I have that would require me to take any sort of action, even the smallest things, just because it feels useless or I am afraid of failing or not doing it perfectly. But the truth is I am the only thing that is stopping me from being happy. And I cannot do shit about it. I have no reason anymore to be sad or depressed about my life. This is the best it can and will get at the moment. I solved all the problems I had and now the only thing preventing me from being happy is me. My stupid disfunctional brain. I cannot express my anger because I feel so numb. Everything makes me angry. I want to bash my had in with a hammer because it causes me so much suffering. All I want after this hell of a childhood is to be truly happy and enjoy life but I cannot get out of this mental cage. All I do is sleep so I do not have to be aware of my thoughts all the time. I am so angry and exhausted",Depression +10189,"I am on a plane right now, and all I want to do is cry. I am so embarrassed as I keep fighting these feelings. What am I having an internal meltdown about?? Oh you know... some shit from mmmmmmoooonnnnttthhhhssss ago that I cannot let go. A break up from a while ago? Yep.... the emotional conversation happening on the in flight movie? Yep..... Fuck I hate this shit....I wish I had a healthier relationship with my emotions. Nothing like being in a public space and holding back a crying filled meltdown....the best",Depression +10190,"Hi all,Recently, I have felt immense displeasure with life. At work, I am the functional, happy-fronting, energetic employee. As soon as I get home, I have 0 interest in everything. I do not want to clean, I do not want to cook, barely want to eat, do not want to connect with any friends or family. Historically, I was interested in OrangeTheory, and I have stopped pursuing my healthy journey. I am disgusted in the way I look, but I have 0 interest in anything but going to work, because I absolutely have to. Has anyone else felt this...despair? losing interest..",Depression +10191,Is that too much to ask for? For once I would like to wake up without the thought of hoping I did not..,Suicidal +10192,"I will get better someday, but I will not be like you people.If I was alive, I will help everyone who has this bad situation. I will be like the beauty of the moon in the darkness of the sky. I will help everyone.I will be A symbol of beauty, love, help I will not be like you. I will not be like those people",Depression +10193,"So recently, I have been struggling with lots of stress and emotional in my life, and I have felt like I have been relapsing into depression once more. However, I feel like one thought just keeps arriving in my head.By saying that I am depressed and acknowledging it, am I making it worse for myself of better? Every time I do acknowledge it in my thoughts I feel like I am taking advantage of my friends and loved ones, and I may even be making it worse for myself by stressing myself out further.However, I also feel like I am doing the right thing thing by trying to rationalize and understand what is going on with myself.Am I even thinking about this with the right mindset? My mind is buzzing and I had to put it out here. Acknowledging that I am depressed.",Depression +10194,"""bUt iT gEtS bEtTer"" then why the fuck cannot I remember the last time I was happy? it is been years now and shit just gets worse I wish I killed myself years ago",Depression +10195,"Hey guys,I have been very recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I have been struggling with problems for around 1.5 year, and only now it came to light that it is psychologically, not physical. With my state worsening severely in last 2-3 months, I have noticed something. When I get the attack, I have problems with speech, I talk slowly, struggle with saying/pronouncing certain words/letters. Can anxiety/depression because this during the attack? I have found that this happens to people with a stroke, but I have not had a stroke, all medial tests were negative. Thank you all for any kind of advice, if not allowed, I will delete this post. Can depression/anxiety attack because this?",Depression +10196,Thank you guys for this reddit group. I am happy to announce that ill be leaving this group as I have managed to crawl out of my pit by myself :) . Got to admit this subreddit played quite a role in the healing process Goodbye,Suicidal +10197,"Thinking of going to the beach late night next week. Get some alcohol and go for a swim, allowing myself to drift and drown. I heard after the initial struggle, it feels relaxing. Is this true? What does drowning feel like?",Suicidal +10198,I am going to kill myself at the end of the year if my life does not get better ill try but I am so sick of this shit everyday I am going to kill myself at the end of the yaer,Suicidal +10199,"1. Always have wet wipes in your bed or room. Showering is exhausting sometimes, wet wipes do the trick.2. Disinfectant wipes are helpful too, especially on areas where there is food. it will help with keeping mold away. 3. Water is very important, get the largest container and fill it to its maximum. Water has a bunch of important minerals, and it helps with headaches.4. Energy bars are useful, especially on rough days.5. Pen and paper might seem stupid, but writing or drawing what you are feeling can be relieving.Take care guys <3 I like making lists so, here are some self care tips for when you cannot get out of bed.",Depression +10200,"I think that everything with my wife is okay but really I am just in a bad dream and to get out of it I have to kill myself. I have to have the courage to do this, and when I wake up everything will be okay and she will still love me like a few years ago. So I am ending myself today.Goodbye to this nightmare, its time to wake up. I think I am in a bad dream and have to die to wake up from it.",Suicidal +10201,"I am feeling very down recently, I do not know why, I have lost contact with my friends and I do not know what to do.The weekend really takes a toll on me when there is nothing to do and I am left to my thoughts.I just wish Monday would come soon. Can someone just talk to me please...",Suicidal +10202,"Sometimes I think this is a simulation. One that I have been on for many lives and for this one I have selected expert as my level of difficulty. Sometimes I just want to press the reset button. I do not want to not be alive, I just do not want to live this specific life, it truly is difficult. If I was certain that I would reenter this world, Id press the reset button in a heartbeat. But I am not, and I do not want to throw my lifetime away. I do believe there is a way out of feeling like life is meaningless. For a while now, I have not been able to feel my feelings for anyone or anything. Everything is bland. I feel stuck, I am not going to be very detailed about my situation but a good analogy is: you need food, water, and oxygen but no matter where you go, you only get 2 of the 3. that is not a good way to live but sadly a lot of people live feeling similar to this. Anyways I hope things get better for you guys, Ill be alright, well be alright we just got to keep our eyes on a new prize. where is the reset button?",Depression +10203,"So suicide has become one option against constant pain. But am I the only one who is so torn between these options? If I choose to live, it will be constant fight, mental and physical pain and no guarantees that it would ever get even on the good side. The other path is peaceful and demands nothing. But tomorrow I have to know which one to choose, because I will not live my final moments struggling. I will sell whatever I have, eat whatever I want to etc. The other path demands military-like discipline for years to even get even. Torn between bad options",Suicidal +10204,"I am not clinically depressed so I am sorry if this is not the right sub. Mods can delete it as they seem right.I have a very successful job and I am climbing the corporate ladder, I have a loving family but things got a turn few years back after I decided to stand up against a abusive marriage and divorce the motherf***.My family supported me but they very frequently keep reminding me of him (he got remarried last week). I shunned myself from extended family because apparently I should have stayed and compromised in my abusive marriage. I lost majority of my friends who I found out were never my friends in the first place.Life has turned out to be a loop of just work, pay the bills and repeat. I have a remote job so apart from work, my phone gets no notifications and I have begun to experience insomnia too. I am sorry I just had to vent it out somewhere hoping I could sleep in peace today.Thank you. 99.99% of people in my life are selfish",Depression +10205,Once empathic and sensitive to gore yet since starting Sertraline two weeks ago I have had this nagging urge to watch gore videos on the internet. The only way I can describe it is like having that sudden urge to watch porn or cute animal videos but its gore Since you started on SSRIs have you noticed that you have become more morbidly curious?,Depression +10206,"Ok so I am clearly not depressed, but I keep on pretending to myself that I am depressed (I do not pretend to be depressed in front of someone else). I am not happy either. I am distancing myself from everyone. I do not understand what is happening to me. I am cleary not depressed but I am not happy either. I am neither sad nor angry. I am just weirdly annoying. I am not depressed, but I pretend to be depressed to myself.",Depression +10207,I am not going to tell people when I am like this because I am always like this. I am slowly going to withdraw and then I can go and it will be okay. Idk if this is a sad or happy thing but I know that people will move on. Like maybe it will hurt. But they will move on. And I will finally be free. I am on a mission to stop being a burden,Depression +10208,"... I am on my last leg. My heart aches and it is hard to breath.I am sorry that I am always so useless.there is someone that I love, and we have known each other for longer than I can remember.But that someone disappeared, one day, with no explaination given.For the good few number of days, I thougtht that someone even passed away from COVID, and panicked.Over time, I am slowly removed from even things like Pokemon GO friendlist...And then, I dreamt of talking with that special someone.I know, people will ask me to let my love go, that there is obviously reasons that it happened and it is not working out.I want to make it work... I gave it all. I just was not enough. Between depression and the intentional, slow distancing, everything is crumbling apart on my end... I can' do this.I want to do this... But... I feel so weak. My heart aches and I cannot stop sobbing... I do not want to die",Suicidal +10209,I really want to kill my self. Dealing daily with mental illness and bulimia is taking a toll on me. Life is exhausting And I am in so much pain. I think I might be pregnant which is adding to this despair. I want my life to end but I am too scared to do it.Help. I really want to kill myself.,Suicidal +10210,"Please help. I do not know what to do. I did not know what to say, I just want to help her. She tried to cut her wrist, green stopped and came out of the bathroom crying. I do not want to get the authorities involved, that would be worse for her. Pleas help, what should I do? My girlfriend attempted suicide this morning.",Suicidal +10211,"I want to die already. I cannot stop crying everyday. I never knew how difficult it wa Help, please.",Suicidal +10212,"I want death. I do not have very bad life, but i do not want to continue living it. I tried to quit my job. But my boss was very nice and tried to suggest having less hours. I bought a rope but just not strong enough to hang my self( i am disabled). Bought alcohol to give me courage to jump from a window got scared and just to mentally weak to do it. I want to die, but without pain. I want to die so much",Suicidal +10213,I cannot say its been fun I had everything going for me yet I ended up here I am so disappointed in myself nobody's fault other then my own I am sorry for the shitty person I was and am I am happy that soon I will never wake up wishing I was dead if there is a god I am probably going to hell if not it will be nice not to feel pain again My last post,Suicidal +10214,I know this is a stupid reason to feel depressed but I feel like I am an idiot for cannot use godot for making game. I am so stupid that it is imposible to build my own world GODOT is not SIMPLE AT ALL,Suicidal +10215,"I have experienced so much pain and trauma in my life and the last 18 months have just added to it. I have been left with chronic pelvic pain after complications from a miscarriage. I have been really struggling to deal with this and because I am in a foreign country I feel like I have nowhere to go. I have not really got friends and I have a strained relationship with my family. I have a partner of 7 years and everything was going fine but at some point everything fell apart. He started off really supportive but suddenly went cold and wanted to end the relationship. We agreed to spend some time apart and just before we split he recorded us having sex without my consent. I felt violated and humiliated. I went back to the you.K. for a month to try and get my head straight and decide whether to stay in the relationship. I stupidly decided to stay as my partner started counselling and promised it was a one off and he was having a break down because of the trauma. Now a few months later I have found out hes been emotionally cheating on me. I feel like such an idiot for staying with him and I cannot talk to anyone because I have no support network.I am really trying my best, I am going to counselling, doing emdr, exercising and eating right. But still I feel like I cannot go on, I cannot be in this pain any more. I feel like a failure and an idiot and I am completely broken. If I kick my boyfriend out who would want me? Who wants a depressed 30 year old who now probably cannot have children naturally and is in chronic pain. I am damaged goods. I want to not feel this way but I feel like there is no other option anymore. I have tried to get better but I cannot. I do not think I want to die, but I cannot see any other option anymore. I do not want to die but I cannot see any other options anymore",Suicidal +10216,"since yesterday i have been getting very racist intrusive thoughts, i have pure ocd so i know all about intense intrusive thoughts but its so bad and all i want to do is die, like i have an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die because i feel like such a terrible person and i just wish i could die so my brain could shut up i hate my intrusive thoughts so much i want to die",Suicidal +10217,"Now its a very complicated issue or question I need help with and also my English sucks,I start saying shit abt my english,so other people do not shame me for that.so the thing is I found some things about some people and I want their family to know abt it but I do not want to say what I found out,otherwise post will get too long unnecessarily,which is anyway long,neither anyone will understand it,so better not to say.so the thing is the only way I can do is by telling my mom to tell her sister abt it but the problem is I do not want my name to come out bcs I stalked theirs FB and ig,now do not ask why,just did it and found some shocking things and I really want them to find it out without them knowing that its all me bcs I do not want them to talk Shit abt me but now the problem is if my mom says to her sister she found it,then the sister will doubt bcs my mom do not do fb,ig,so even if my mom lies abt it that she went to fb,ig just like that and find it,then her sister can doubt.so i want to is there anyway to successful ly do it,without my name coming out and her sisters do not even doubting her at all,its imp,pls helpme. Need help",Suicidal +10218,"Once I realized that I became almost fearless. I can talk about anything, confront anyone. I got promotions at work. But no new friends. A marriage without affection. I am 40 and I see no hope. I have never tried killing myself, but I wish I was dead, every day. Whatever happens next the worst case scenario is death by suicide. That makes a lot of outcomes that were once ""unthinkable"" become a little easier to deal with. Everything sucks and suicide is an option.",Suicidal +10219,"A lot of times if I am feeling sad, I immediately think of how others will respond to it. Or I am looking for comfort.. my father is a homophobic, racist, sexist piece of shit and my mother takes care of everything in the house. I hate my dad, when he started saying things like ""there is only two genders"" and ""you are looking for attention"" and making things seem like I was in the wrong no matter how much I was right, I realized how much of a shitbag he was and really felt desperate. I felt desperate for love and so I am confusing that with wanting attention.. am I in the wrong for doing this? Am I depressed or wanting attention?",Suicidal +10220,I am currently living alone and i do not really feel good about it. how do you live alone?,Depression +10221,"M, 28 struggling with a lot of regrets and what-ifs recently. cannot bring myself together which adds further to my depression state. Would like to know if anyone else has ever felt a deep seated regret you can never get over with. Dear all, what has been your biggest regrets in life?",Depression +10222,"From what i read manny soldiers killed themselves because they did not like the life they were living and the generals and leaders did not like that so they used religion as a weapon to keep people from killing themselves which is complete crap. I looked it up but i hate how they used that instead of trying to make things better for the people. I heard suicide was ""sinful"" because of religion when Christianity started.",Suicidal +10223,"I do not have the energy anymore for anything. Anything. I am no longer able to work. I do not care anymore about anything. I slept in every day this week, I left early, I played on Reddit. I did not do anything.I am no longer able to eat. I do not want any food. it is been days since I cooked. I am starving myself to the point of dizzy spells, then I eat a full red pepper on its own and go to bed. I have no appetite even when I am hungry. If someone puts food in front of me, I might eat it. I am no longer brushing my teeth, no longer showering regularly, cannot keep my room clean, barely moving. I do not care about any of this.I sleep 12-14 hours a day, but I am always tired. I nap several times a day.I am an artist but I have not drawn in months. I have lost my passion for it and my minds eye is blank, there are no new worlds in my heart anymore. Taking anti-depressants. I could go to therapy but I do not see the point and I cannot keep my appointments. In order to get better, you have to care enough to try. And I do not care anymore. And I do not have anyone to care for me. So idk how to get out of this. What are you supposed to do once your Depression hits ""Completely Dysfunctional"" levels",Depression +10224,"I just want to die I do not want to exist anymore, there nothing wrong with my life but am just exhausted of living, and I keep thinking about suicide every day and every minute. I just want to be gone",Suicidal +10225,"because i never get any actual advice from my doctor accept ""it will heal"" well i need medication and treatment for that to happen TO HEAL. I have given up at this point. I do not trust my doctor enough to talk about getting help.",Suicidal +10226,I feel like no one wants me and I am burden to everyone. I do not even want me. Every time I drive alone I have to fight this urge to press on the gas and end it all. I have nothing going for me and nothing that makes me happy. I am a full time student and a full time employee when I am not in school. my entire life is surrounded by saving money and making enough money to afford college just so I can earn my phD. All I want to do is earn it so I can help people and have enough money to live comfortably. It seems dumb to complain when so many have it worse and my dad has taught me my feelings are never valid and will never be because someone will always have it worse than me. I have no friends to seek help from or distract me. My family is extremely toxic and my father is borderline mentally abusive. I have 6 roommates at school who are very selfish and will throw you under a bus if it benefits them. I love learning and it is a great distraction but it leaves me so stressed because I can barley afford it. I have no purpose or sense of direction. I am completely lost and have nothing to live for i feel like i should just kms,Suicidal +10227,I keep having these repetitive suicidal thoughts but I have no desire to act on them. I am not sure what to do about these since I have dealt with suicidal thoughts when I have dealt with depression and OCD but not solely on their own. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Any advice? Suicidal thoughts without depression,Suicidal +10228,"Do you believe we get to choose our next life? I am asking a genuine question so please do not ask me to ""get help"" What do you guys think of suicide and reincarnation?",Suicidal +10229,"I am 19 and have no will to live. When I think about my future I just feel like I do not want to experience it. Right now there is nothing that brings me joy. For about past 2 months I have been having suicidal thoughts everyday, I just go to sleep with tears in my eyes and wish I never wake up. Right now my house is under renovation and my parents had to take a small loan, all of this brings so much stress to them. I am just waiting for it to finish. I have actually started working just to make some money and give it to my parents. I have been suicidal since I can remember, even in primary school i was thinking about suicide but not planning it or anything. Right now I am on the edge of doing it. Please do not tell me to go to therapy or seek for help, I do not want help.it is so much harder talking about this than I thought. I want to end this in few months",Suicidal +10230,Trying everything. Eating healthy. Walking. Drinking water. Therapy. Meds. Taking to people. Cuddling dogs. Hanging out with my nephew. Reading. Going to work. Trying to find hobbies and get back into old interests. Nothing works. I am still not happy. I try making friends but EVERYBODY wants sex or drugs. I am just not happy anymore and there is about nothing i can do to fix that. Its been so miserable and I have been trying for YEARS now. Any advice or painless ways to end it? I keep trying but it still is not working,Suicidal +10231,"I have not felt this way in a long time. When I was 18-20 years old my depression was at its peak and I would often wish I was dead. I never actually wanted to take my own life but I would often imagine myself dying in a car accident or getting mugged and killed or just some kind of scenario picturing my own death and the mental peace it would bring me. I have never and (hopefully) would never actually try to take my own life. But lately, unfortunate events in my life had led me to having thoughts like this again. I am worried but at the same time I do not actually want to die. I am just confused and idk if this is actually considered as being suicidal or not Are you still considered suicidal if you wish you were dead but do not actually want to take your life?",Suicidal +10232,"I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and chronic major depression. I am basically a crazy bridge burner during my episodes. For a while I honestly thought I was getting better - I am taking my meds, managing my mood swings, and enjoying my time alone (mainly because I stayed away from forming friendships, expecting the cycle to happen all over again, e.g. losing friends and burning bridges during an episode).But then an ex-friend from the past messages me and is pretty much hell bent on bringing me down (Virgos can be vicious). Now I am just done having a cry fest for an hour and telling myself I am a horrible human being and just wanting to die.Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I had a friend I could tell that I am suffering. That I am sad, I am scared, I am lonely, and that I wish I was dead. I do not need comforting words telling me I will be okay and it will get better. I just want someone to listen and know that I am in pain. How to handle suffering when you are alone",Depression +10233,"I mentioned to a close friend that I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and feeling really bad this week. I did not really expect their reply. It was along the lines of ""individual stuff does not matter right now, the world's in crisis."" - I was really hurt because it just felt like having my struggle belittled and also I was angry because I found it hard to believe that with the level of mental health awareness these days that someone could say something so off when it is not even like I often vent (first time in half a year I have even opened up) so I know I am not a burden. I got angry, told them, and then got sadder, told them that too. It started badly with them saying that I was taking offence at nothing, ended better - but i feel pathetic now, having to explicitly ask a close friend to treat me properly. This has set me off on a shame/depression spiral and I have been crying and cannot get out of bed since. Just feeling worse and worse, piling shame on top of shame. I have been good for months but my mental health feels totally derailed. do not know what I am asking really, just suffering and needed to vent. Triggering conversations with friends",Depression +10234,"Hello there! I am 18 and do not know what is going on with me. Sometimes I have a really bad mood and sometimes I am fine. This consists of a week or so of feeling bad about myself, hating me and basically everything I do. I do not find joy in almost anything and I feel empty and stuck in a ""dark void"". I feel like something is missing. Sometimes I just want to be lonely and sometimes I want to have friends around me. Music is also a big thing because it sort of detaches me from everything. At this age I need to find a path in my life, and seeing everyone around me already having dreams and going for a future career makes me feel useless. I do not know what to do with my life. Some days I feel infuriated about everything and everyone. Some days I do not. Some days I am just waiting for the night to come just so another day can start. have not felt suicidal or anything like that.Every single time when that feeling comes I become really careless about everything. do not fold my clothes anymore(for example). Everything is a mess to be exact. I do not have the energy to do and deal with anything.I feel lonely even tho I have friends, then everything comes back to normal. I can feel good again and can feel an inner peace again. Everything settles down for a moment and comes back to normal. have not spoke to anyone about this except a friend of mine. I am not doing this for attention or anything, I just want to know what is happening. Thank you so much. What is happening to me?",Depression +10235,Hello everyone. I kindly ask you to fill up my survey about YOUR experience with DEPRESSION. It will help me with my research paper.Thank you! [** SURVEY,Depression +10236,"Not a lot to say just tired working and keep being made fun of the family.It all started nice and dandy, then I lost both of my biological parents.Now I live with my adoptive parents and my dad is a arsehole who keep making fun of me not being a real man.Just want this static noise to end, I want to sleep in this pain that never disappears.have not slept in a week now cannot sleep keep getting nightmares of my childhood.Bye guys it was nice while it lasted. This is my last words",Suicidal +10237,I am so fucking tired. Is there any point?,Suicidal +10238,"I have been struggling with depression and social anxiety for the past 10 years. For the past 3 years, it has caused me to struggle with anhedonia more regularly and it has been getting worse lately. I am in my mid-twenties and I already feel like I have missed out on so many experiences and opportunities in life, especially those that are fun. A lot of people have said I am too serious and I need to learn how to loosen up and let go. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to do that with alcohol or drugs. I am nervous that I might start increasing start relying on them to feel alive and have let loose. Recently, I started going to therapy and I have been wanting to go out and try something fun, but due to anhedonia, it is difficult for me to find something that is fun for me to do. I was also a little sheltered growing up which does not help either. My parents were helicopter-y and devout Christians so a lot of activities that others may consider okay/fun is hard for me to enjoy or partake in without an immense amount of guilt and shame. I often find myself searching in Google what do people do for fun? to find out what other people who are not depressed find fun or fulfilling. Many of those activities do not resonate with me. What do you all think? What do people do for fun these days?",Depression +10239,I know it is not healthy but dulling my thoughts seems like the best route sometimes. sometimes wine is the only thing that helps,Depression +10240,"So to give a background of the situation my cousin is in, he is a 15 year old loner who lives in a household where in both the parents are very aggressive and are always under financial crisis as none of them earn. They basically run on financial support given by my granny. He is a very smart kid and i can say he is always loved more by the whole extended family for his smartness although i did not get along well with him during my childhood as he was always getting all the attention and not me, it was my immaturity to not understand that this was more out of empathy and not because i suck!He stays in a different city so me and my family usually meet together on holidays and festive occasions, he had gone very silent before four years itself. We just thought it is a sign of adolescence and he is just not interested in us. We had not met him for like more than a year because we were busy with our lives. Since the lockdown he turned worse and he had started showing various other signs like he used to laugh alone and cry alone, lack of appetite and etc. On consulting the doctor, he had ruled out saying that this is an issue of depression and something realted to neurology and asked him to be admitted immediately. That phase where he had gone under medication was very hard because he spoke with long pauses and had saliva drolling all over ( which was said because of the effect of medicines for the neurological issue) he was admitted in a hospital and there was a night where his pulse rate had gone very high because of which they had rushed to another hospital to get a CT scan done ( apparently the hospital did not even have a CT scan equipment). He was okay once his school started and he kept complaining about boredom and his loneliness (because he had no friends), the doctor had advised to stop the tablets he was taking ""for sleep"" (which i assume to be anxiety pills). His behaviour has taken a different turn now, from being like a tortoise in a she will to a more violent kind of behaviour and i just received a call saying he was about to beat up his mother. I am genuinely worried after hearing all this! I feel so angry about the lack of awareness of mental health in my country and him not having a right channel to help himself. I am going through issues of my own and am just worried wether this is more than depression and the doctors not looking in the angel where they suspect him of BIPOLAR DISORDER makes me even more anxious. I do not really trust the doctors treating him, my family does not agree with me! I really do not know what to do. To be frank I am just worried I might lose him! If there are any psychologist in this subreddit, please as to what you think he is going through and how can i help him! I have a cousin suffering from depression and i do not know how to help him",Depression +10241,I have been doing so well since maybe march feeling good in mental state and progressing in my job and been off my meds for month's and seeing my ex and talking to her have just set me back fucking progress indeed Feel like on verge of mental breakdown holding back the tears and emotion,Depression +10242,"I had a really bad interaction with my psychologist. She was the first one I went to after a series of bad experiences with different psychologists. I was so afraid to see a new one because if I did and it went badly, it felt like there would be no hope left. But the day I decided to see her was the day after the closest I would ever come to suicide. It was after some emotional experiences that left me feeling like I could not go on anymore. I did not want to hurt my mom so I reached out for help. I saw this woman for nearly a year but recently her response to my suicidal thoughts was downright unprofessional and hurtful. She reprimanded me and told me to think about what my suicide would do to her. And she set up these ridiculous rules that any time I mentioned even a thought of suicide or self harm the first thing she would do is call my dad. Mind you I am in my 20s. She had no right to break my patient confidentiality like that. When I told her that if she set that rule, I just would not talk to her about such feelings which would make it much harder to reach out for help. She basically did not care. She was the first psychologist who did not dismiss my feelings. When I told her I felt so bad that I needed to be hospitalized, she sent me to a psychiatrist who was incredibly dismissive of my feelings and then made a change to my meds that included quitting the meds I would been on for 2 years in three days. I felt awful. And I felt like I lost all trust for that psychiatrist. This is not my first experience with mental health professionals and they have basically all been bad. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like I am at my rope's end. All I think about is death to the point where I feel unable to hold a normal conversation. It consumes me. I have no filter either so I feel like the only way to save others from hearing these awful thoughts is to stop talking to them. I feel alone. I feel like a burden. I know I am a burden. And I do not know if I want to live anymore. I do not know if I want help anymore if this is what help looks like. A bad experience with a psychologist",Depression +10243,I have been struggling a lot more than usual due to a lot of stress. I feel like my whole life is a mess. I have had no serious relationships in over 15 years and I still find myself constantly looking at my exs (yes from 15 years ago) social media pages. I am always financially struggling and feel like I am worth more dead than alive. Suicide is always in the back of my mind but its usually just a thought and not something I think I could ever act on. I am always stressed out over work and working excessive hours over the last few months. Working out has always been my way to cope but I have been unmotivated and more enticed by alcohol instead. I have some friends but I feel like they do not really like me and I constantly go over all of the things I say wondering if they talk about me if I say something stupid. I want to workout more and be more sociable but I do not know how to energize myself to do it. I was doing really well from Jan - April but after that I have just gone downhill. I was in therapy but I was doing so well that I did not need it anymore. I hate to go back with my tail between my legs like I failed. So has anyone had any success with motivation and/or coping?Sorry its so long and thank you for reading! How do you motivate yourself to do better?,Depression +10244,"what does it mean when a friend says ""I am in the mood for someone to text rn and talk"" whilst talking to you like am i not someone you're talkin to? i feel like I am only the available comfortable venting friend to keep them company when they have no one else but I am not the friend they want I am just there. i get it wanting to talk to other people but while we are talkin just means I am not that someone they want to talk to rn just the one that is available. and i had this feeling multiple other times where they would express how bored they are while we are talkin and ignoring me when someone else messages.oh and when i asked like is this not texting they said no this is different like ?? I am tired of not being the first choice or good enough i want to cut everyone off and never give my time to anyone like that again and never consider anyone a friend friends making me feel unimportant",Depression +10245,just makes me feel worse. why cannot i make myself happy if its so fucking easy. i cannot comprehend how people do not feel this way. getting told how happy i make other people,Depression +10246,"Hello my name is thomas. I have been feeling weird kind of symptoms and I would like to have some help to get to know what is going on with me. My symptoms are bothering me and I would like to have some guidance on what to do and what they are. So basically about 2-3months ago I started having panick attacks. I was feeling anxious pretty much everyday. I was not happy with this pandemic, school and my friends. I was starting to feel down. Also, I would feel very anxious about my health. Every sensation in my body that was odd I would focus on it and react in a small stress. I would vegan to panick when I would get a panic attack even tho I knew it was that. I would still panic and wait. Also after my panic attacks I would feel weird odd symptoms the few following days. I would feel low on energy, chills and weird zaps in my head. Until one day, in may, I started being very irritated at everything and I would constantly get uncomfortable symptoms when I did daily activities like gym, go out with friends. I would feel very light sensitive, a tiny nausea some times and a lot of stress when I got odd symptoms. There would also be this feeling of fear and feeling down. Even tho I was with my girlfriend I constantly had this weird fear of living. I would think I would die any second when I would experience odd symptoms. Then In June it got worse. I was having anxiety symptoms and panic attacks almost everyday. I would say 5 time a week. I notice during the day I would get this sick feeling with all kinds of symptoms. Per exemple i would feel my body changing temperature, brain zaps, my heart beat felt irregular, I was getting very tired and feeling very drowsy. And then it escalated into a panic attack. But when it was in the evening I would feel completely normal and everything was fine. But I would start to think about why was I feeling that and trying to figure out what was going on with my brain and body. So I would worry and overthink. And the cycle would continue. Until one day the June 15, after having bad anxiety symptoms, I notice a numbness in my brain. Like I could not feel my emotions anymore. I was trying to feel happy, I know that I was happy, I was able to express it but I could not feel it. So I started panicking about that. As the days went by the panick attacks were slowly fading away, and when I was having one, I felt the physical sensations but my brain like did not care. I did not feel that adrenaline rush and that panic feeling. I cannot feel stress anymore. Its very hard to feel love, happy, satisfied. My pschyatrist prescribed me 25mg sertaline and said that that would help. I kept explaining her my symptoms and she was saying its all anxiety and seem like she did not care. I did a blood test, it came back fine. Right before I started the meditation, the numbness and my physical symptoms were very bad. I lost the feeling of hunger and fullness, the ability to feel tired, to feel heat, and to feel emotions. It felt like if my brain had a brick wall the seperates me from feeling my body. you can feel the empty feeling. Now I am on week 3 of sertaline and some symptoms calmed down. But I am still experiencing this numbness. I would wake up and feel like empty. I still get trouble feeling hunger and I get weird stools. I am still a bit worried on what is going on with my body. Can you help me re assure what I am having and teach me techniques to overcome this suffering please I would really appreciate it. I am sick of feeling like this MY STORY I am SICK OF THIS SOMEONE HELP",Depression +10247,"If everything goes right and I do not wimp out, I should be dead tomorrow. Wish me luck",Suicidal +10248,"I finally have been diagnosed with genetic depression, today is official, i start anti depressants soon. I should be excited but I am terrified. I was hoping it was not this because now i have no hope of ever getting better or being normal. This is like a nail in the coffin for me, a death sentence. Diagnosed",Suicidal +10249,"Monday through Friday I am fine. I have some hard days but for the most part, I do ok. Then the weekend comes and it is awful. I realize how lonely I really am. I realize how I have absolutely no one. I try to stay active, but I am just doing everything by myself. I try to invite people to do things but they already have plans. I have tried to go places to meet new people but I end up in places with absolutely no way to meet new people.I wanted a family, I wanted the warmth that comes with it. I loved having someone to love and care for. But I think if this is my default I would rather be alone. Maybe it is greedy of me to want someone in my life because it holds off the loneliness. If I cannot be happy alone doing everything on my own then maybe I do not deserve a partner or a family. I have talked to people and have dated but even that makes me feel lonely. Its not having people, I am just like this. I just do not feel like I belong in this world. I do not feel like there is a place for me here. I live in a big city and I cannot seem to find a place for me. There was one person who made me feel like I had a place in this world and I pushed them away.I am speaking to a therapist and am on medication. they are working as good as they can. I do notice a difference then before when I was not on them. At least now I just feel sad instead of suicidal. I have barely been able to go to the grocery store. I have barely been able to take care of tasks that need to be done. I just feel like I am existing. I am sure at some point this feeling will go away for a few weeks but then it will come back again. I hate being alone. I hate doing everything alone. I hate that even when I am with people doing things, I still feel alone. I think I just want to be alone and not plague anyone with my burdens",Depression +10250,"I feel like I have been going at this for 6 years now. Day to day I just struggle to feel like this existence is worth the pain and effort. I just wonder if this is all there is? Just this life. Even when I am not bad necessarily, the good days are mediocre at best. that is just it, anytime I feel 'ok' or 'fine' that is all it is, nothing more. Given the choice, I would not sacrifice all the bad days for the good ones at all. I just lack the drive and the hope that things will get better that I feel like you need for this life.I have just been thinking very existentially recently which does not help. But I know others are experiencing similar feelings to me, so I guess this is me reaching out. Sometimes it just helps to articulate things. Thank you for reading <3 Nothing feels 'worth it' anymore",Depression +10251,"I am going to kill myself sometime between this Wednesday and next Wednesday. I am transgender, Borderline and homeles with ptsd. I was just recently sexually assaulted in a homeless shelter. I do not have the energy to write down why I am feeling this way. I just know I have been prolonging the inevitable for years. I do not want to die alone, but I know it will be quick and painless. I am hopeful there is something beautiful on the other side. Its been decided",Suicidal +10252,"I had a fucked up day and just the urge to take some pills and kill myself. I do not know what to do, because i do not know if i want to die, i just want my life to end. But i am afraid. I just want this feeling to fuck off I want to kill myself but i am too afraid to die?",Suicidal +10253,"i have not been talking much to anyone bcos I have been suicidal.. idk why i have not feel this suicidal in a long time. Infact i actually have a suicide plan. I am just really tired of being worthless and battling depression, anxiety, bpd and alcoholism. suicidal",Suicidal +10254,"I do not want to because them to feel guilt or responsibility for my decision, but I have to communicate my reasons for it, which involve the way in which I was raised. I apologize if this request is in violation of the subreddit rules. Thanks for reading. Would anyone be willing to critique my suicide note to my family?",Suicidal +10255,"Grew up in an abusive household, constantly yelled, belittled, gaslit, hit, bullied all my life. I cannot remember the last time my eyes were not watery. I finally got out of an extremely abusive friendship with a narcissist, but i think he was a sociopath. I have been going through the motions, letting out all these feeling that i never acted on and ignored. And seeing things for the 1st time for what they really were. Since then, I have broken my bathroom window, almost cutting my knuckle off. A week later, i started hyperventilating to where i could not brreath. That was an interesting feeling. And then i went into a blind irrational stasis of sorts, idk what to call it and juat cut 13 lines in my arm. Kind of like a blind rage but not. I try to hide it but sometimes it gets seen and everyone just gives a judgy glare. I later went into a blind rage having flashbacks and broke the window in my car. Why do ppl always assume cutting is just attention seeking??? Or breaking your car window with one hit of an elbow (what kind of weak ass glass breaks on one hit)",Depression +10256,I feel like I am in a literal hell. Its so painful to be in my head and I do not know what to do. I cannot reach out to anyone because I hate asking for help from people. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. I am so so tired Hell,Suicidal +10257,You can reply to this post with something similar if you like to For me depression makes it so that when i buy an awful coffee i go it tastes bad i like it Depression makes it s...,Depression +10258,Go to sleep and having amazing dreams where life is perfect and then waking back up to reality. Its makes me so sad. Bad dreams disguised as good,Suicidal +10259,can 25 do it? I am 22 and 115 pounds tylenol,Suicidal +10260,"I am finding it really difficult to find both motivation and any sense of self-worth. I have been on furlough for over a year now, am in-between jobs, been through a difficult break-up that ended badly, at home I am often belittled by my mom (not always) and my cat is very ill. I am grateful for what I have, I know these issues are not at all unbearable for most, but I guess I am just weaker. I have barely any friends (none in my area) and the few friends that I do have are too busy for me, so I installed Bumble BFF and reinstalled Instagram to try to meet new people. It feels a bit pathetic only having one post on Instagram when everyone has dozens and I am alone in the photos as well. I have been trying to make friends where I live for the past 8 years and nothing. *I feel like I sound like a very irritating and miserable child but I really do not mean to, I am sorry.* I also used to go jogging but it is been too warm so I stopped. I also used to work out at home, but I do not feel comfortable at home most times. Asides from that, nothing really brings much sense of worth from me, I like singing but am not at all great at it, the same goes on with the rest of my hobbies. I bought this volleyball so that I and the person I was seeing could go play at some point in the park, but we never got to, and now it is deflated and always in the way.&#x200B; Today I took a big (for me) step and played some dance games for a little bit and that helped pass the time as well as do a little bit of cardio. But now I am once again alone, mom is being difficult today so am isolating in my room, I am tired of Ted Talks and trying to self-improve, I am tired of Netflix, I am tired of video games, I am tired of reading. I cannot eat, I can barely sleep, I literally just do everything I can to distract myself and try to pass the time. I have been heading off to bed at 9pm because there is simply nothing to do, there is no one to talk to, no messages, if I send any I would be ignored. I do not know what to do with myself anymore, I ruin absolutely everything and I really wish I did not wake up in the morning but am also not brave enough to go through anything permanent. Returning to Rockbottom",Depression +10261,"Honestly I am exhausted, I said to myself make it to 25 and see from there but I am 23, and I just do not have the energy anymore, I have done research I have come up with a plan and I am pretty sure I can spend the next month dealing with the anxiety of ""what if I survive it and just end up badly hurt""I just do not want to end it all and have the people that knew me at school and bullied me every day posting about it being ""so sad"" and ""they wished they had known or done something"" cos fuck those people, they are the reason I am like it. I do not want people I barely knew who did not give a shit about be posting about my death for clout or likes. I am thinking of having it done by November",Suicidal +10262,"Today is the death anniversary for my nephew. We lost him to a tragic drowning accident 9 years ago. He was two when he passed away and I was the only one in my family that ever got to meet him and be with him. I helped my sister raise him for the first few months of his life. it is hits me soo hard every single year. It never gets easy. Usually around this fine I have mt bestest friend that I have known since I was 18, would be here to talk with me and keep mt head sane. Sadly it is been 2 year on the 20th that I also lost her to a tragic health condition that stole her away. Last year I ended up coming off the deep end, being the first year I did not have her to be the ground I needed. This year does not feel much different. All I want to do is see his face again and hear her voice. I do not want to break down, I do not want this year to be like every other year but I already have not slept in days. All I can think about is all the people I have lost and how I need them now more than ever. I just want them back. This is the week I struggle the most.",Depression +10263,"Take your meds, exercise, stay busy. This is the only consistent advice I receive. I am not really looking for advice, I just want to die. I thought life was going decently for a little bit, I still wanted to die but at least I was being social and having some modicum of fun. But recovery is a lot of hard work, more than I can bear right now. So I will go back to wallowing in self pity and isolate myself from anyone who could show me fake love. I know they do not really care. They just do not want my death to inconvenience them.Hope some people can relate to wanting to shut themselves off from the world. I feel like I have always been crazy for this. Took all my willpower not to drive into oncoming traffic today.",Suicidal +10264,"Never attempted, I just get feelings.I will be just fine, then for no reason I feel this overwhelming irritation/hate at everything including myself. And wanting to get away from it by just ending my thoughts.I sit with it and after a couple minutes it passes. But I have been getting that more often lately.Anyone else relate? What helps? Out of nowhere I get the urge to just end it",Suicidal +10265,"I sometimes feel that dying by an airplane crash or snake bite would be better off when compared to say suicide, because of the sympathy it would generate. Am I the only person romanticising this? Am I the only person romanticising dying by an airplane crash or snake bite?",Depression +10266,I feel so lonely and lost.Nothing seems clear to me.I am crying myself alone with no one to tell about ny problems.Life is so fake. I just want someone to just care.I feel so fucking lost.Everybody around me always looks so happy I really sometimes want to end it Crying,Depression +10267,"My husband does a good job letting me know that not everything is about me and the world does not revolve around me and how I feel. I told him I am doing my best, I am taking medication and working on myself so I stay out of his way and let him relax and focus on work. He says everyone is doing their best at life. He also does a good job pushing me away. That I am kind of scared of him now and do not see myself reaching out to him for emotional support any longer. He used to be really sweet. I usedTo be everythingTo him. Now lately I have been feeling like his punching bag.I told himThese things but he did not react or apologize or try to make anything better. ImJust really sad. I have no one. Not everything is about you",Depression +10268,"What sort of documentation and things do you need to get in order before you die? I have no dependents or significant other, no debt and only about $1000 in assets and a few thousand in a checking account. I do not care what happens to any of this once I am gone, not sure if that makes a difference. Just to be clear I do not have a date set, but I am working on gaining access to means to end my life. Things to get in order before you die",Suicidal +10269,"Depression is part of me since I was a kid. I grew up in a toxic family, and started feeling really sad at 11 y.o. I remember wanting to die without knowing why, and tried to hurt myself this young. I still does not who the reason. Time passes and things went darker around me and In my family. I moved far away to escape, but I carried my depression with me since. I started hating the world more and more while working in retail to pay for my studies and my living. I was thinking ""If life is so violent and sad, why I should live it ? Life is useless"" and started thinking too deep about our world, the society we live in and I was making me more sad everytime. I tried everything I had to go back to the surface, but I drowned again last year. I went to hospital because I was letting myself dying more and more. I needed help, I needed someone taking my hand and finally helping me with all my sadness. I needed someone to listen..and I only got bad doctors and medecine, which makes me more and more sick. I am arriving at the point were I just do not know how to live anymore. I cannot count on someone for my health, I feel like I am missing years of my youth because I always had to take care of everything by myself to survive and I feel like people of my age are doing so much more things. I always want to die, but I am still so afraid of doing it. Is there people here who succeed at healing, and feeling not so sad about life, about the world ? I hate the world and I hate myself",Depression +10270,"I have friends, I have adopted family, I have people interested in relationships with me.My life is not perfect, of course. On paper it should not feel like that.The thing is my dream is dead.. This makes everything pointless. Got better... Still do not want to exist.",Suicidal +10271,"Need to say something. I am feeling like super panicked at the moment and stressed and tired, and I have no one to turn to for help and I am just so worried and alone and just need something good to happen. I feel trapped and I just want someone to notice that I am not okay. God damn my chest is just clenching and I just want to be somewhere else.I wish, so much, that the people I considered to be my friends cared as much about me as they do not know I care about them and want to spend time with them. Trapped and alone",Depression +10272,"I feel so worthless. I have given up on myself. I am 19. I am in college and my grades are decent, but I have no job, no friends, no license, and no activities. I am taking a summer class right now and I have completely given up on even attempting to do well in that. I suffer from OCD and there are so many compulsions I feel like I need to engage in at the moment that I feel like I cannot even do them. Which is maybe good, but the obsessive thoughts are still there. My family does not give me the support I need because they do not understand nor do they care enough. I feel like I have no one and nothing. I am not in good shape physically. But I want to change that. I see people who are so happy and successful. How can I be like them? Where do I even start? I just feel like I am so far from happiness and success that I can never reach it. Is there a method? How can I get my life together?",Depression +10273,"Its become pretty hard to sleep at night. Feeling as if my demons are watching over me and preventing the happiness that I used to feel. I sit and stare into myself, deeply with the mirror across from me. Realizing I am not the same person I used to be. Feeling as if I am lost and alonefeeling of desperation for that happiness I cannot even seem to remember. I cannot the control feelings that have been driving me crazy. The feelings that make me feel heavy, dark and lost. Almost as if my mind is unable to be cured from myself. I know it is all mental, all in my head and my own doingyet I cannot escape it. Almost as if I am torturing my own self for whatever lies below. I know there are people out there that have this same issue, plenty, yet why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel as if I cannot help myself. I am stronger than this and I know that yet why do I feel so weak? This will not be the end of me. So I must suffer or figure it out but I will not let it ever win. I will not be on of the many defeated. I will push on, keep motivated that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, that there will be that desired treasure we all have been craving. Many hide the shame associated with these feelings, myself included. Many do not know how I feel or how much it truly bothers me, but I will push on. I have shared to those that I know will support. I have found I am not alone after all. It does get better. I am doing much better now than I was months ago, let alone years ago. Maybe I have been looking at this all wrong? Maybe do not look for an escape, do not look for a way out, but to look for a way to cope. A way to look at the brighter side. A way to live in one with these demons, with these tortures and all as it is part of life. It is what we cast upon ourselves due to whatever we have going on. Whether it is our fault or not, we must coincide with these feelings and use them to power ourselves on. I will not lose, I will win this war. Anxiety",Depression +10274,"Number of Mental Breakdowns: 0Number of Near Mental Breakdowns: 1Ive been suffering with depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm urges, and murderous thoughts for 2 years...I am currently on my journey of trying my best to improve my situation after realising being depressed will not help much.I am going to study hard, I am going to be a better person, I am going to have a better life...I wish myself luck. Entry Log 1: Day 1 (25/07/21)",Suicidal +10275,I hate presence of humans with my whole heart. I HATE HUMANITY,Depression +10276,I am still in school and up until the covid pandemic I have been doing good but as soon as we went to online I have been doing worse and worse until I completely stopped going to classes and lying to everyone I have tried to get back in but I just cannot do it anymoreEverything I do I make a mistake and I just want outI do not want to die I just want to stop living like thisAround the end of the year I have tried to get in some teaching and exams but I doubt that will helpMy parents are very strict and I feel like if they should ever find out about this Ill die I cannot get out of bed and I have to force myself to eatIve been contemplating suicide and I do not even know what to doI do not want to leave but I do not want to stay living like thisThe sheer guilt alone is making me want to die I am just really confused and I do not even know what I want I just want someone to talk to I want out,Suicidal +10277,"My MI was getting worse and I lost my job because I had to take too many days off. Then I fell into a pit of depression for a month. I thought if I found a new job I would feel better. I got a job and after a day and a half I had to leave. I could not do it. I was a trembling sweaty mess from anxiety and my concentration was shattered. The whole day and a half I was using every trick I know to stay sane and nothing was sticking. I was totally overwhelmed. Now I do not know what I am going to do. I know society at large wants me to contribute to capitalism or die trying. But the few people who love me do not deserve to be hurt like that. I really want to kill myself and get it over with, but I have tried and it is harder than it looks. I do not have a gun. But I do not have any other solution either. Burden people while living or hurt them by dying. This world is a fucked up place. depression and jobs",Depression +10278,"I am gay and I have never really had any struggle with my family and friends accepting this but I have always had a problem with myself because of it. I guess I could call it internalised homophobia. I was in straight relationships growing up, but would find a way to ease my thoughts of being gay by watching lesbian tv shows or shows with lesbian relationships. This meant that I would get overly attached with the characters and if they would break up or argue I would spiral into a depressive state that I would have to have therapy to help get back to a normal place. Now I am 21 and I have never had a gay relationship but I am openly gay and am finding ways to except that within myself. The problem is that I still fantasise about women I like in tv shows and the actresses that play them, but its not necessarily that I want to be with them, its that I want to be them. I start to change my lifestyle, my clothing and things like that to mimic how a certain character acts. I talk about them day in and day out and it drowns me with emotion. It has not always been fictional women either as in school I found myself obsessed with female members of staff to the point where Id get so depressed knowing I could never be them and part of me would confuse this feeling for being in love. Which is of course highly inappropriate. I just do not know how to stop being so emotionally attached to the point where I want to die because I am so overwhelmed with caring about people who do not know I exist. Thanks for reading, if you got this far. Deep attachment to fictional characters.",Depression +10279,"I do not want to killmyself and I do not know what is happening to me. But every morning, each time I open my eyes, I wish I was death, I think of suicide very often and I do not know how to stop. Help. Every morning, my first thoughts are suicide and I do not know how to stop.",Suicidal +10280,"Were they mad at you? Are they still mad at you? Are you still being friends? Are they now grateful for your actions, or the exact opposite? People who broke the promise of not telling anyone about your friend's suicide attempts/plans/thoughts, are you still being friends today?",Suicidal +10281,But then I am depressed. Being hot takes feeling and all i feel is..... like committing self murder I want to be hot,Depression +10282,"I have troubles discovering something, starting it and keeping doing it. Maybe it is because of my past experiences, because of how my life has been, I do not know.Apparently without succeeding in what I wrote up there, I will never really be able to find a job and settle for something. I really do not know what to do I do not know how I could do to have more hobbies and settle for a job one day",Depression +10283,"I know what is causing it, reddit is having an adverse effect on my already weak mental stability. Seeing all these posts from MorbidReality, Iamapieceofshit and IncelTear just further my loathing for humans, and in turn myself. We really are all equal, equal in our rotten ways, sometimes I genuinely wish one of those atom bombs has a malfunction and goes off, at least it would be a quick death. Misery",Depression +10284,"Does anybody else experience almost like a hangover after a really bad mental day? Like a day where everything is happening, every symptom just hits and overwhelms you and you sob for hours and the next day you are almost hungover, cannot get up, cannot wake up properly cannot do anything because you are so drained. Effects of a mental episode",Depression +10285,"Yeah depression sucks but what if, instead of talking about the shit that sucks in our lives, we spoke about everything that goes right. I have been trying to take my Ws when they come (rarely do) and it seems to be working to an extent. Just an idea.. it can be called Verbalization. If of course it does not already exist New Thread",Depression +10286,"I want to die not just for no reason at all. Its not just a deep depression or something. Its a simple awareness of what life really is and what a fucked up cycle it is. We are just vessels through which DNA gets to propagate itself. All life forms are but were all competing for which DNA lineage gets to dominate, control and consume the rest of them. Humans have obviously already won that battle. Its all just a sick competition between life forms trying to kill, steal, dominate, take advantage of one another and it cannot change. Its happening between every single celled microbe, plant, animal. I cannot believe any conscious human would actually continue this fucked up cycle. I cannot wait to leave this fucked up shit and have my DNA lineage be erased forever. The disturbing cycle of life",Suicidal +10287,"preface is that i do actually suffer from clinical depression and i used to take 150mg zoloft but I have been off that bc i moved and my psychiatrist does not accept how far i moved so I am out of meds. the withdrawal sucked for a few weeks but I am feeling okay now. my problem comes from the fact that i need to get a job. normally it takes me a few months to get over the decision making stage of work or commit suicide and I am over that stage now and decided to work but I am just stuck here now because the closest place is like a 30 minute bike ride? i applied anyways and they have not gotten back to me but I am just concerned because i do not think I am strong enough to just bootstrap my way into both learning to ride and riding 5 days a week in 90+ degree weather. i have a few months left to live where i stay unless i get a job and my accounts are all depleted so I am just like okay yeah let us get a job but i rode there once and i had to literally sit and pant for like 15 minutes lol. i do not doubt that its possible bc i see people all the time but it just feels like its dangerously hot for me and everything thinks its just because I am from a colder climate but the temperature out here is enough to put me on my ass easily, i just do not have any other way to get money.. and i do not know if I am strong enough to take that trip but even worse is that its been 2 weeks and i have not gotten a call back. if this place does not hire me then I am screwed and ill have to bike even further or die so I am just like fuck what do i do! sorry i just woke up and this is more of a rant but this scenario has been on my mind forever. i considered ubering to work if i get hired but idk i do not know if I am lazy or not",Depression +10288,"I am having suicidal thoughts lately just because of my health issues.It all started in 2018 initially, I was all heathy and good but all of a sudden I developed frequent urination, along with that kicked in my health anxiety. It took my some months but finally I got over it! For a year it was all good, then I got acidity issue then later on I developed tinnitus which was the most devastating phase in my life. I lost my girl, whom i loved more than anything because of this, I cut out myself from social areas. For an year you can say entire 2020 went in recovering from that, finally when I was feeling better and started moving on, bamm, another issue popped up, i had allergies.Then while dealing with that at some point i got severe upper respiratory infection because of which again meds!Now after that, i took the vaccine, now i see I have pigmentation in my buccal mucosa, all the dentists are saying its normal but dermatologists stated its oral lichen planus! Idk what to do, all these diseases which are non-curable re coming to me! What is my fault, why m i having to suffer all these?Now I am scared of cancer and this gives me heath anxiety most of the time! I really feel so hopeless, i feel like my body is not supporting me. I am scared, angry, frustrated and what not!This is why suicidal thoughts came into my mind! Idk what to do.Doctors are not helping much in accurate diagnosis, i feel like i am in a loop of experiencing bad events!:( I need help!",Suicidal +10289,"Single 33M. I moved in with my parents a few months ago. I left LA due to the fact that rent was high, and all of my work had become remote due to the pandemic, so I saw an opportunity to save a lot of money. However, following a breakup, I have been pretty depressed. However, I cannot help but wonder if some of this depression is due to living at home. My parents are not overbearing and they have been very accomodating, but I am starting to wonder if living with them is not good for me mentally. I have always valued my independence and liked living in bigger cities where I am surrounded by people like me.Before moving home, the primary problem was anxiety and panic. Now, the primary problem is deep depression.Can anybody relate? Increased depression from living with parents?",Depression +10290,"I have just finished school and my depression has never been worse. I would rather literally kill myself than working like a slave for the rest of my life. Maybe I am mentally retarded or something..But I do not see the point in doing this. Anyway, I was studying med school (not doctor), and there is a job I could potentially apply for that probably would not be bad, but I do not know if I can do that. I have zero experience and I am always nervous in new environment.. Who the hell would like to work with someone like me. Also, my communicating skill is almost non-existent. Even if they would invite me for a job interview what the hell would I tell them?!On the other hand, I am ready to kill myself in 48 days so. Do these anxious thoughts even matter? Applying for a first job vs depression and social anxiety",Depression +10291,"i am 17 and i live in a shit 3rd world country in the middle east, my parents are hardworking, i love them a lot more than anything, i have a few friends that are like family to me, and i have a brother who is fucked in the head and keeps screaming and yelling when he has no job and fucks around, today he broke my room and started calling me names because i am fat, just because i drank his cola can or sth, i did not know that it belonged to him, and tbh the only time i feel comfort is woth my friends, they are the place i feel better and i feel belong with them, but they have families that love them and brothers/sisters that care about them, my mother has a low-danger/stage cancer, and I do not want her to feel worse mentally that is why i do not want to tell her anything about my mental health, and my father has already so many pressure in life so that goes for him too, i love them but I do not feel comfortable with them, our country is a shityard where dreams are demolished, the only reasons stopping me from killing myself are my parents, and my religion.i just do not know anymore i just cannot live like this, in my whole childhood i never felt normal i always thought about helping my parents and I did not buy nice thing or expensive shit like all my friends, and always wanted to help everybody that I did not even get to enjoy being a kid, i think anyone who lived a life like mine probably killed themselves already, I do not know what to do, there are local departments in hospitals about mental health in my country but I cannot go there without warning my parents and therefore putting pressure on them.i just want to feel normal for once, atleast in my adulthood. i need help",Suicidal +10292,"My family has given me so much, but also taken away so much more than that. I cannot even lie down on my bed in self-pity for thirty minutes without people shouting at each other, and then treating me like they are the only one with problems, and never allowing me the freedom to express my sorrows. My outer family probably thinks I am someone who has had life too easy, and honestly, they are probably right in many ways. I love most of my friends, but I can never talk to them about my personal life, because I have built a facade of being an emotionless goofball. Even moments where I stay quiet for more than five minutes are enough for people to assume something is not going right with me, so how can I ever tell them what is really going on?My co-workers think I am pleasant and nice, but probably assume my personality is non existent. I am in line to have terrific job prospects once I graduate, yet I could not care less. Even after a post-puberty transformation that makes me a fairly decent looking person, I have never had a girlfriend, largely due to the insecurities I have maintained through my puberty years, when I was flat out ugly. Dating sites have horrible response rates, and even if I feel like there is a good conversation going, I always end up getting ghosted.there is also the fact that I am non-binary and in the closet, but cannot see a reality where I am able to love this part of myself, have a loving partner embrace me for who I am, or accepted my by family.I feel incredibly silly even writing this, because of how much privilege I have had through my life. I do not think I will ever end up taking my own life, because I am too much of a coward, and it would crush everyone I know, yet no one knows anything about who I really am. Yet I think about it everyday... when I wake up, after work, when I am with my friends, going to bed, you name it. Seriously, why the hell do I have to exist? Just let me disappear",Suicidal +10293,"Sounds dramatic but my thick long hair is the only thing I had going for me and I am now hideous, Cynthia the doll has more hair on her head than what I am left with. cannot stop crying, dad keeps giving out calling me dramatic and I just wish I could finally die and be with my dog I am so depressed, I got a extremely bad haircut and I am afraid its pushed me over the edge",Depression +10294,"I want to die, pain is unbearable there is no one to talk to at night I canf",Suicidal +10295,"I am not going to go into why. its not important and why does not matter. i tied a makeshift shitty noose. i found a sturdy enough thing that could probably support my fat ass frame. and i stood on a stool. i was so ready to take my fucking life. i stood there. nothing was going to stop me and i jsut kept thinking about the life i was going to leave behind. my found family, my hobbies, my future living with my found family. but nothing was going to stop me. and i was just sorting out the noose but i could not get the fucking belt (I am fat so i have a huge fucking belt) around the pole thing. i was actually going to do it but i could not get it around. and when i collapsed on the toilet, i got a message from my friend/ a member of my found family; telling me that he loves me. this broke me. i feel so shitty. i cannot leave him behind. i cannot leave him or my brother behind. then my younger sister walked in to ask to borrow something. if it had worked my nearly 14 year old sister would have been the one to find my corpse or dying body. i cannot do that to her.I am not going to kill myself yet. if i do i will ghost my friends for a few weeks and then do it on a day when my sister is not home. i cannot fucking believe myself. Goddamn I am a selfish selfish selfish shitty person i just tried to kill myself for the third time",Suicidal +10296,"Hey everyone,I am a 31 year old guy. I have struggled with depression for about 10 years now, and it is so exhausting. I feel like I am just broken and doomed. I have tried so many different kinds of therapies and meds. They sometimes work in the short term, but I always crash back down again. I just hate myself so intensely and feel like such a pathetic failure. I feel undesirable, undisciplined, unintelligent, unwise, the list goes on and on. I do not want this horrible condition to kill me, but I feel like I keep getting closer and closer to losing the battle with it. I am just so tired of the constant struggle to be barely functional. Every day is a battle with myself just to be able to do basic things. it is just so hard. I do not know what to do. I have tried so hard to be better and nothing works. I just want to be normal. Been 10 years of depression and I am so tired of fighting",Depression +10297,"I had a girlfriend until yesterday. I would wanted to start casual, but she made me fall in love with her so quickly. She moved me into her home when I was at my worst, pulling me out of my abusive mother's home and promising to help me. Telling me that even if we did not work out, I could still stay with her. Knowing I was terrified she would leave me because everyone always abandons meFirst thing in the morning yesterday, less than a week after I moved in, she told me we were breaking up and I had to move out. I vomited from stress in her driveway as I packed the car but as with everything in my life I was alone. I will always be alone. I thought if I could just hold on until tomorrow, I would be okay. Just distract myself. But its tomorrow and it is not enough. I wish she would fucking killed me instead, rather than have someone I barely know leave me on my horrible mother's doorstep. Every fucking second all I could think is I would rather fucking die than keep living with this pain. Knowing I am never good enough and I never will be. I deserve to fuckinf die gods above please fucking end me o cannot fucking take this dhot antmore What do I even have left",Suicidal +10298,"My whole life has been meaningless. Everyday I wonder and tell god why, why am I here? What did I do to get all of these problems? Why am I fat? Why am I ugly? Why am I sad? Why am I angry? What is my life? I do not know what happened to me I used to be a happy healthy person when I was younger. But then as I got older things went downhill from there. did not get many friends in middle school. Got bullied many times and made fun of. Middle school was definitely one of the worst in my lifetime. My family made even worse on me. Mom, Dad, Brother almost everybody. Got called a fatty by my father and mother many times. Got called a fat cow by my brother. Got called a fucking idiot by my parents. Yeah that is cool. But what do they do to my brother? Nothing. Literally nothing. Hes my opposite of what I am. I am his shadow. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my own tears and my hurts every time I try to breathe. I even feel like my tias and tios like my brother and my other cousins more than me. I am just a piece of garbage left out on the counter. Everyday I wake up disappointed knowing I am going to have to live and see the same faces and words. Do I have depression? Idk at this point. Just kind of want peace and let the suffering stop. Just want to see my grandpa. I miss him so much. I do not think I am okay",Depression +10299,"I have been in severe chronic pain for about 4 months. These ranged from kidney stones (from lithium) recurrent yeast infections and vulvodynia (from antibiotics... from the utis... from the kidney stones) and a chronic anal fissure (also from the stones).I have been ddrugged out of my mind in severe pain from the yeast infection, it is finally starting to clear up, but I feel so much sadness. thr medical system keeps pushing and pulling me around. I went during what was pribably a kidney infection and crying and gasping but not knowing how to express my pain, and they sent me home and said i had a food allergy. I went for pain several times. I went to the obgyn er and they attempted to give me a pelvic exam, they did not end up being able to, because i screamed and cried to stop and that it hurt until my throat was sore and they sent me home with advil.I have not been able to see a doctor because nobody fucking takes medicaid. nobody believes how much pain I have been in. i just want to kill myself already, i do not tihnk i care anymore about anything. the urologist will not pick up the phone, the gi people keep sending me the worng number, and I have been on the edge of suicide from pain alone for fucking MONTHS.?when am i just allowed to fucking give up and die existential despair- chronic pain",Suicidal +10300,"Why do I always start feeling extremely lonely? There are days where everything is good and just like that a switch flips and I am all in my head for days.. I want it to stop, i just want to feel at least okay. Venting",Suicidal +10301,"I just turned 18 and feel like I have wasted my teenage years, I have had good memories but I have not done a lot of things like go to parties or get into relationships like most people my age. I have got a good group of friends but I do not think I have lived my youth to the fullest, I do not really go out a lot because there has not been much to do, and there was a period where I really did not hang out with my mates. I must have only been to about 5 parties in my life and I have only kissed 2 girls ever. I have been diagnosed with depression and Anxiety and I often feel anxious about trying new things. Ill never get these days back and its upsetting me hugely. I have heard these are the best and most youthful days and I feel I pissed them away and there is not really anything to live for Is life worth living after 18",Depression +10302,"Going to end it tonight... I am tired of being in this endless loop, I am dying day after day, I know it is pretty pointless to kill yourself over another human being but the hurt is just too much to bear. Goodbye. It ends tonight...I hope",Suicidal +10303,"No matter what I do I cannot maintain a decent sleep schedule. I want to be able to wake up early and sleep early and even though I can sometimes keep that schedule going for a few weeks at a time, I always end up staying up late one random day and ruining it for myself. I am currently unemployed and sometimes I find my days completely flipped to the point where I am sleeping at like 8 AM and waking up at like 4 PM. It gets annoying because I wake up feeling like the day is already over and I do not have time to get anything done. When I was working I was always sleep-deprived and running on like 4 hours of sleep because no matter how early I went to bed or how tired I was I could not sleep till 4 AM. Why do I have such a hard time falling asleep at a normal hour, regardless of my commitments and activity level, and how can I fix that (and maintain it)? How do I permanently maintain a good sleep schedule?",Depression +10304,"I have not gotten better, instead I have just accepted my fate. I know I am not meant to live long, so living knowing I am steadily approaching my end is bringing me peace of mind. Accepting the fact death might not even be that scary and nothing really matters is kind of comforting tbh. Everyone thinks I have moved on, when in reality I have just gotten tired of fighting it",Depression +10305,"Started smoking a lot of weed but even that is kind of losing its charm now. I guess you do something for long enough it becomes normal. And my normal is just this. Idk, I am really tired of people telling me this is cuz of the pandemic. Cuz I know I was this lonely even when I was surrounded by people. My therapist was right. I do not want to help myself. I do not want to be happy. So why am I here. Well shit",Depression +10306,"i do not think I am suicidal. but i wish i was dead. i do not have the strength tho. and i know i will not be able to do it. I am not strong. but i think I am lacking air. I am kinf of suffocating just thinking to myself. i want someone to talk to, just anything. i just want to feel some presence somebody please",Suicidal +10307,"going to write one for each person who I am close to, or who made me happier in life or just imapcted my life a lot in general. writing suicide notes",Suicidal +10308,"Hello everyone, i was reading a lot of your stories and i always wanted to post something but never did because i did not want to bother anyone and i felt that i did not deserved any attention.But in some extreme efforts to try to get better, i convinced myself to do it, so here i am.Since i Can remember, i always had a lot of depression phases 2/3 times a year, but i was at maximum a month. Unfortunately, i had a big trauma in 2017, an since then, I am depressed all day. I tried some medication in a short period of Time (2 months) but i could not recognize myself as i take it. I was miserable, could not do anything and when i realized i go panic attacks that made it worth. And even After that, when i tried to stop medication, i could not stop right away because of the weaning time. So now I am scared of that but i still feel, it is the only solution.I am followed by a psychiatrist and a psychologist, so I am not on my own. Also, even if it is like carrying a Mountain, i made my life proper again. I start a formation in september in alternation, I am in a relationship and everything is going well, and he understands and help me with this, I am getting my driver license (which was hard to start because of traumatism younger) .... So it is really good ! But the more i try to move forward in life, the more i feel bad.My brain feels foggy, my heart hurts me everytime, i wake up everyday only wanting to end me and my day and i needs so much effort not to have any rewards. Everything is worst than before. I am doing sport every two days, I am forcing myself to have some sociabilisation, I am good looking, I am still clever.... But i cannot be happy and it feels like there is nothing i cannot do at this point. Even worse, people just tell me that they do not know why i feel so miserable while i got everything for me. I feel guilty not to be better, and it sadden me even more. it is an awful loop where I am in and .... I do not know how to just resist again and again, having less and less energy and being a hundreth of what i was ...Sorry for this long story, i really do not want to be a burden and i Hope that every people that come here just go better One step forward, two stepbacks",Depression +10309,"So I have had issues with depression in the past. But even when I am not depressed, I constantly think about ending my life. I will not deny that depression makes it more attractive though. Right now, I have been constantly contemplating it for over a year, and have everything required for my method of choice. There are certain things that block my actual plan, mostly the fact the I had just gotten into a relationship after these thoughts got to this point, and now making sure my finances are in order so I do not burden those that would be affected.However, work is now becoming unbearable and my finances are almost in order. I am thinking the time might be right. I am not asking for sympathy, empathy, attention or anyone to ""talk me down."" I simply needed to vent to someone that has no emotional investment in my life, or lack thereof.Thanks.(Please do not reply. If you do, any ""things get better"" or bs like that is not wanted or needed. If I do not care what loved ones think about my choice, why would I listen to a stranger? Lol) Not depressed, yet suicidal?",Suicidal +10310,I am a fraud but i like to think there is something wrong with me so maybe I am not but i know i am. i know i am. i make it all up in my head acting all sad when i can think rationally. I am toxic to people because they love me. and i guilt them when they are not there for me. years ago i cut myself many times to show people that I am sad. but i actually stay in the bathroom for hours to try and cut small cuts. i do not have the strength. I am just a fake. I am so done with myself but i know i cannot do it. coz i cannot. its all fake. i think I am suicidal but i cannot even kill myself. i cannot even hurt myself now. idk what to do I am too lazy to try but I am too weak to die. I am just standing still doing notthing. everythings empty. its all blank. idk its all confusing and messed up idk what to do. and i cannot even explain myself well. and i do not have anyone to talk to and idk i do not understand myself and idk if someone understands but I am just a fake finiding comfort and i do not deserve that because I am just faking everything i can think rationally so i should have no problem thinking and I am so horrible to people i do not dersever any comfort.you know in life stories where they tell you keep on trying and do hard work you are stronger even tho you have this disadvantages etc idk. like they try to encourage this person that have all the reasons in the world to be down. well that is not me. I am the one n those stories that are compared to trying hard guys that do nothing. the one who takes advantage of everything and try to act like a victim. I am the bad guy in stories that do not have resolve. the one people should bash on the internet and wish death on. that type of person. and now idk what to do. coz i do not have the strength to die.even tho i kno its better like that to just end it all I am fake.,Depression +10311,"Please share your experiences with omega-3 fish oil supplements. I have been in a low phase for 1.5 months now as a result of a delayed response to a lot of traumatic fights that went down at home. I am deeply hurt and my exams are in 2 days, I am underprepared and willing to try anything. I am also getting anxious. Do fish oil supplements help?",Depression +10312,"I am honestly struggling to remain optimistic for the future The future of society, and my own future looks bleak. I am beginning to consider what am I trying to achieve here? There are not many reasons for me to get up each morning other than to continue fighting and its Groundhog Day all over again each and every day. Is the goal just to survive? Anything of substantial meaning in my life is absent. I am not suicidal but I do not know what I am hanging around for I am really depressed about the future",Depression +10313,"I cannot take this anymore. I feel completely numb. I do not feel anything. Everything is gray. I cannot take it anymore, help. I am tired of the numbness.",Depression +10314,"okay so basically after prolonged episode of panick attacks I notice like a wall sensation in my brain. I can still express emotions, but its very hard to feel it. Almost like if there is a wall in front of your emotions. let us say I am thinking about a memorie, I would usually get a nice satisfaction feeling but now I just do not feel it. Also its hard to feel hunger, sleepy, energy. I hate it so much. I can also feel an empty feeling in my brain that is super hard to describe. Does anyone know wtf I am having or have you experienced this?? AM I FEELING EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS???",Depression +10315,"Not sure if this is the place or even matters anymore. I tried to kill myself earlier today (failed) and still feel like I want to die.I keep being told how I am emotionally blank. I do not engage at all. I am robotic. By my wife and now get told that she is out of the relationship (again).she is been telling me that she wants a divorce since less than a month after our wedding. And has been saying it multiple times a week since then. I keep apologising for my mistakes (because she only wants out because I am not fulfilling her need) and try to do better than I was, but it keeps hurting.And now it feels like it is over again and I just want an easy way out that would be certain to end my life. I cannot tell her about this because if I say that I am thinking about killing myself then I am trying to trap her in the relationship and being abusive so I need to be quiet about everything.If I had a firearm of some kind I would easily use it because I know how easy it is to die from one and how quick and certain it is. But I live in a country where it is really difficult to obtain one so that is out of the question.I am just a horrible toxic human being and need to remove myself so that I stop hurting everyone around me. Any Point?",Suicidal +10316,i have no motivation or ambitions please give me a reason to live,Suicidal +10317,"Hi,I had a date yesterday, I thought all was good this time but day after she told me she does not want...it is makes me very depress I feel so bad, I try to find a girl but every time it is fail again and again.And each date I afraid to get the next hurt I had a date yesterday",Depression +10318,"Why has my appetite vanished completely? On most days, I do not feel hungry and my appetite has vanished totally. It could be related to gherlin, according to my psychotherapist. I have tried a few different medications, but they have not helped me at all. Why has my appetite disappeared completely?",Depression +10319,"I feel like I have failed my first videography/photography career. I spent 4 years or so building up my portfolio and ended up getting a few small gigs. I kept applying thinking that this was going somewhere but employers are constantly trying to scam you. It makes getting a job hopeless. Multiple times, employers lied about salary, job requirements, and tried to get me to do free work. Its not like I am a beginner either. I have 4 portfolios, 1 for photography, 1 for graphic design, 1 for 3D animation, and 1 for videography. And I feel like I am competent enough that people ask me to work for them. However, they try to get me to work for free or for ridiculously cheap where I can barely pay for expenses.I am from Canada, Ontario if that helps. I can also link my portfolio if asked. I do not want to work anymore",Depression +10320,i was so happy as a kid and i did not have any worries but now I am 21 and I am a miserable fuck. I hate myself and I hate what I look like now after I had braces. Its made me so depressed I just want to kill myself. My fuckin orthodontist ruined my life.. I just want to reverse what happened to me.. i want to be a kid again,Suicidal +10321,"I am not the type to talk to people, but I did not know I was just that weird and isolated . The reactions were ""wow I did not know you were like this"". It truly put everything in perspective I did not know how isolated I was until a couple of people people I talked to acted surprised when they saw that I had feelings and a personality",Depression +10322,"it is as the title says. I feel so empty inside, and I feel like everything I do is just pointless. I am an ambitious person, but why? Why should I be? So I can finally be happy? I would rather be rich and sad than poor and sad, but in both cases I am still sad. On the surface I tell myself that I should do these things to be rich and successful and happy. I just have to not be happy to get there. I do not want to suffer now so that I can maybe be happy someday. I feel so sick and tired of everything, which makes me lazy which makes me depressed because I am being lazy, which makes more lazy. it is an endless cycle of depression and abuse. what is the point? Right now it feels like nothing can get rid of the emptiness that I feel inside. I know the feeling will pass as it has before, but those questions will always be there in the back of my head. Why should I? Why should I do anything? what is the point? I feel a little better after typing this though. Everything feels pointless and fake and I feel empty",Depression +10323,"I do not condone suicide, but I need to share something. It could be a long post. I have cerebral palsy. Not the severest, not the lightest case, but visible and affecting my movement. I cannot walk if there is no one to help me maintain balance. No cure for this AFAIK.My family never supported me emotionally regarding my disability. I have no supporting community in my real life. I am 26, so it is a little late for me to don my pink optimistic glasses on. My past is a fact. Lonely and full of bullying. Little to experience with significant others. I guess able-bodied people find me sexually unattractive. Given that even I could not see myself giving someone a chance if I strongly dislike their looks, I suppose some people work like that. I get the ""exercise/ do yoga or it is your fault"" plus the occasional ""or you will be reincarnated in a similar body"" very often. I tried rehabilitation, but the arduous process leads to nothing that could be deemed a motivating goal. My physiotherapist congratulates me upon being able to use my legs muscles to stand up from a chair. Awesome achievement indeed. I probably deserve a medal for that. If there was anything I could do to get closer to the ""standard"" of a sexy young male I guess I would do it. But nopez. Me training means me suffering in order to gain some basic abilities and it is not 100% even that would work as expected. This body is awful. So I expect I will either die alone or have to marry someone who is also undateable. Given my past traumas I think I would be a weird partner to be with anyway.I am otherwise somewhat successful, but that brings joy. Amidst all of this, I should have the motivation to work on my PhD, while living in one of the bad places to be disabled in (post-Soviet Eastern Europe). Mom does not want to immigrate, so I guess I am stuck here.Honestly, it is so bad that I cannot even kill myself. I wake up, day after day, trying my best to do my job and seem fine, while seeing literally every other person around me pursue the goal of a relationsip/ family or have one and attempt to be happy. Or all those people who seem happy. Family and relationships are the meaning of life unless one could be a monk.Seeing that I am not that much interested in Eastern Orthodox Christianity (or any Christian dogma in general) that is not an option either. Not that anyone cares. Life in society has ""accepted"" me as an observer who sacrifices their labour and gets a little money in return. And so the years shall go, it seems. I have waited for ""better days"" far too long. it is easier to dissmiss someone disabled.All I want is for this to end. I wish no hell nor paradise, just the ending of this. I have 0 control of how/ whether my death makes others suffer; my suffering makes them go away anyway. If there is any spiritual essence in me I would like that to serve its purpose or whatever the truth is.But I cannot bear all the suffering in utter loneliness. Giving all and getting little. Always doomed to being an outcast however strong my wish to simply belong. I wish euthanasia was legal, but alas. Sometimes suicide IS the only actual option",Depression +10324,I have been at my wits end for days and cannot take much more of this life. How do others go on like its all okay? What motivates you to keep going?,Suicidal +10325,"Hello everyone. I have been dealing with chronic back pain for the last 3 years and had surgery about 6 months ago for it. Unfortunately it did not help much with the pain and I am looking to go into another surgery. This injury has taken everything from me. I use to deal with all my anxiety and depression through physical activity and now I am unable to use it as a coping mechanism anymore. Suicide is always on my mind and I have already made a coupple pathedic attempts at ODing and cutting.Through trips to the hospital and psych ward I still have not been able to find the proper resources to help me mentally. I have been on and off medication for my depression but they just seem to make me more suicidal... like I said, physical activity was always the best outlet for me. I have tried the hotline many times and I find that this resource is very limited, the help you recieve is far from what your get from a real psychologist. I am hoping that once I get on disability more resources will become available to me.Throughout my disability I have not able to get disability payments from the government as my girlfriend had been looking after me. Unfortunately it is been a toxic and terrible relationship. She had came into the relationship with terrible insecurity issues derived from her previous relationship and things kind of came to a head when my back went out three years ago. I have been ridiculed and tormented for ""cheating"" while I am laying on the floor withering in pain barely able to do anything. I am now at a stage where I cannot take it anymore, she is out of the house, and I am now waiting for my disability payments to come through. In the mean time I am sure my landlord will understand that I cannot come up with rent on time, but I need money for my medications and food. A friend of mine started a fund raiser for me and I would love if any of you could help in any way. I really appreciate it.I am in a crisis mentally, physically, and financially. Any support whether it be through advice, just chatting, or it you choose to donate, would be greatly appreciated. been taking deep breaths and just trying to take things one step at a time. Dealing with chronic spine pain which has lead me down the path of suicidal ideation",Suicidal +10326,"4 years ago, I had to say goodbye to my friends from high school in year 11. going to College in the first year is not bad for me until the second year, I was trying to get new friends and starting to be rude to me. I cannot ask their phone number because my former headteacher put me same high school class with same students in 5 years. at home, I had nothing at my father's house only I am can do is helping him with anything take a bin, building, tiny ups and carrying things. I was bored with her house using a computer, watch TV and video games all time. I always to be alone in my room all time, I am so annoyed it makes me sick.I am not freefrom my parent's houses, it is looked like a house arrest for my father's place I am not doing anything wrong. I will be deceased myself at 30 years old, if this carries on forever. I loved my family so much, but it is killing me in here. I am 20, my life is ruined",Suicidal +10327,My noose keeps me calm. I guess it is the knowledge that eternal peace is nearby for when I decide it is time. A noose feels like my only friend,Suicidal +10328,"you all ever...feel the opposite of what you are actually feeling?I have always been a bit of a weirdo when it comes to expressing happy emotions. I do weird physical ticks I am no longer sure are normal. Things like squealing or flapping my hands like I am a fucking seal or something idk. Maybe that is why I was misdiagnosed with autism XD (or was I? I might never know) but that is besides the point.Now days, whenever I get intensely excited or happy, I notice it makes me want to cry. Like, I get brief flashes over stupid things like the book I am reading or a game. I get happy but its like I do not know what to do with it so I have the opposite reaction instead, like wanting to cry or literally forcing myself into a worse mood. Or, brief flashes of excitement that set off like a bomb in my head but sputter out within seconds. I know that sounds strange. Idk if its because I just do not know how to be happy or if I am afraid of it or what. I just do not *let* myself be excited or happy anymore. Maybe I am afraid that I am not enjoying the things I am excited about properly, so I just do not? Like that makes any fucking sense? Idk. Any of you have experiences with this? Expression?",Depression +10329,(but it is a very selfish thought) Sometimes I think dying in a car accident or something is shit because people would not know how you really are if you kill yourself instead,Suicidal +10330,"Do any of you people take stimulants like adderall or ritalin to cope with depression and lack of energy and motivation. I feel it hellps with mood for sometime but then again the crash is followed by depression and exhaustion. Also, it causes anxiety and blood pressure at the start after taking it and makes my feet extremely cold. These things bother me since i am too anxious about taking new medications and also suffer from panic disorder. How do you mitigate those side effects and use this medication effectively? Any of you take stimulants?",Depression +10331,"4 years ago, I had to say goodbye to my friends from high school in year 11. going to College in the first year is not bad for me until the second year, I was trying to get new friends and starting to be rude to me. I cannot ask their phone number because my former headteacher put me same high school class with same students in 5 years. at home, I had nothing at my father's house only I am can do is helping him with anything take a bin, building, tiny ups and carrying things. I was bored with her house using a computer, watch TV and video games all time. I always to be alone in my room all time, I am so annoyed it makes me sick.I cannot go to any events like concerts, wrestling events and to be famous. I want to become a celebrity or a YouTube person I watched and looked at their media many times in the past. I am not freefrom my parent's houses, it is looked like a house arrest for my father's place I am not doing anything wrong. I will be deceased myself at 24 or 30 years old, if this carries on forever. FML",Suicidal +10332,"I am feeling a lot of existential dread at the fact I am almost 30 and have achieved nothing worthy of notice. I have suffered depression and anxiety since I was 18 years old, and I have always managed to overcome it, until the past 2 years. I am stuck in a house I despise, to the point where I live in my bedroom cos it is my only ""safe"" area and cannot afford to repair or move because I only earn 7k a year as a cleaner. I have applied for endless jobs to try and improve, giving up on finding jobs relating to my degree (illustration and design), because the Northeast of England just does not have those kinds of opportunities. I work freelance, and have tried running an Etsy selling merchandise, but have been on a 2 year hiatus because I am slowly losing the will to see why.I have applied for so many jobs and constantly get rejections, my manager was kind enough to offer me receptionist shifts now and then. But even with that experience I am still not good enough. I recently dabbled in OF, not for money related reasons, but for some kind of self-love and confidence boost. I stopped because it felt pointless, even when earning a little. I also stream occasionally for fun, but I have even lost enjoyment from that. I am at a point where I just no longer want to exist. I have been in bed for days and feel a burden to my partner, who has been ever so kind to me. I feel like I do not deserve his help in all honestly. I tried ringing my doctor about some therapy, I was referred again to a UK company called Talking Changes, which were useless to me in the past. When I told my doctor this he just said well I cannot do anything else, so I never asked for help since, that was also 2 years ago.I tried talking to my parents about how I feel, and as I broke down crying, I was snapped at for being upset as it does not help anything and it is ""no use crying"". I just ended up driving home, whilst crying my eyes out. That was the last time I got out of bed, 4 days ago. I am not drinking anything, I am not eating, I just want to slowly shut down, because I see no end to this persistent hell. I never wanted a big fancy life, all I wanted was to be happy and content, to feel like I was worth at least something. All of my friends are making big achievements, getting big promotions, buying nice houses, even my bullies are achieving more. And I am just a loser like I always was. Just basic bitch me. I know if I could at least afford to move house, it would be a start and I would feel comfortable. But it is like the universe is fighting against everything I do. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am stuck and I want it to stop.",Suicidal +10333,"This might be sloppy because of mobile, very sorry, but I was honestly thinking.I am 18 and none of my family makes money, I was so happy to start my job but I had to be driven there. Thing is, when I asked my mom, she said she was to tired to go, and I failed my chances to surpass my anxiety and start a new chapter to have enough money to eat FOOD.I am done. I just want to end my life now more than ever. I am starving, my brother's starvingMy mom does not care. I just want to leave, I have had enough seeing everyone I know be able to afford food. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot be hungry anymore Should I end it all now because of dept?",Suicidal +10334,"I get easily frustrated by so many things. Few examples I have in mind:When politicians wear their masks when they talk in a microphone: there is nobody next to you and you need to relay a message do not you? stop this posturing I cannot understand your muffleling! (that one is not going to be popular but bear with me please)That commercial that just explodes my phone speaker everytime it pops up on Youtube: How bad are you willing to bother me just to make profit?Bella Poarch: I feel like she is so fake and ""Pretend-cute"", I doubt she is half as cute in real life.Jeff Bezos who goes to space: have not you got anything better to do with your money? like helping the poor you know, one of those trivial thingsAnd anyways, my therapist told me to accept those things. She said:"" When you think about an object in your room, it does not bother you, right? well try to have the same attitude towards those things that frustrate you"". You do not get angry about a ventilator in the corner of your room, you do not get angry about the wind.. etc.She also told me ""what does it concern you if someone is fake?"" which is interesting. it is true that it is not my problem that Bella Poarch is the way she is. Also I simply cannot change her, I do not even have enough money to buy a plane ticket to meet her, so what is the point in hating her? I feel like she makes the world worse and I dislike her for that, she does not contribute anything to the world and she is a millionair.I think it is fair to cast judgements, some things are bad and some things are good, but according to my therapist, there is a way to accept those things, be at peace with the world. A way of relating to things we think are bad without feeling the need to reject them, hate them, change them. A kind of fluid-waterbending-Tai-Chi-fish-in-the stream way of being.Anyways I would like to hear anything you have to say about that, personal experiences, anecdotes, teachings.. Accepting things",Depression +10335,"all i know is that depression is my lifestyle, i cannot complain anymore , no one will remember me when i will die , so ... fuck it, i will live my life the way i want it , doing what ever the fuck i want to do ,probably it might make me feel okay , because i cannot remember how being happy feels like anymore, fuck happiness, we can act like it , if you like something do it as depressed person , paint like a depressed person , write like a depressed person , make art like a depressed person , we were always complaining hoping for help from normal people , we are help, you can do it , you can survive, we can survive.\#ACT LIKE IT PROBABLY we can be happy in our sadness [ STOP grieving , act like it ]",Suicidal +10336,"Yeah except how are you supposed to do that if you have literally 0 motivation whatsoever to continue on? I feel like people who say this out of encouragement have no idea what its like to be in the position of lacking all hope or desire to make necessary changes. How are you supposed to push through that feeling of complete emptiness. Sure there are times where you may feel differently but for the good majority of the time its like a complete lifelong sorrow just hanging over me, I do not know what to do Never give up!",Suicidal +10337,I get extremely angry and want to kill myself. If anything bad happens to me I will kill myself. The world is against me and I would not be so angry if it was not for them. If no one helps me and things get worse then I will do it. it is not fair and I should not be ostracized by society for having certain thoughts and feelings. I will kill myself because fuck the world. I am extremely angry a lot,Suicidal +10338,"I cannot take this anymore. The anxiety, the stress, the feeling of hopelessness, of loneliness. The smallest thing set me off and makes me want to end it all. I try to talk about my feelings with others, but I just end up scaring my friends away, and making my parents mad. I just end up getting into fights with my loved ones. I want to kill myself so badly, but I do not have the courage to do it and I feel bad for my parents. I have thought about jumping from the balcony so many times but I think about my family discovering my corpse and I just cannot do it.On second thought, people say I am just too entitled and I make things up in my head, that is why I do not make effort to get better. I might just as well do it since it seems my life has no worth anyway. I want nothing more than to never exist",Depression +10339,"i feel like there is more than one of me. in me. how the fuck do i say this alright, alright. there is the first one, which is pretty much just me. the one that talks, the one that thinks, the one that is writing this. the main one i guess. then there is the second one. the one that tells me to shut the fuck up whenever i say something. the one that insults me every time i do something. the one that digs my fingernails into my palm whenever i annoy him. the one that hates me. he is also the one that calms me down if i get too angry. the one that just tells me to take deep breaths if I am shaking. he yells at me, but if i yell at myself he will calm me down. i have literal conversations with him. with myself. with the fucking mirror. i do not know why. i do not know if it is just normal or if I am fucked in the head. i do not have multiple personality disorder (probably, I am almost sure i do not). i have no idea what is going on with me. i do not know what is wrong with me, if anything",Depression +10340,I cannot find help and get out of the mess I am in.I am so anxious i can barely breathe please can anyone help me? Having a panic attack...help please,Suicidal +10341,At 2am I will be hanging from the tree infrount of me and the pain of living will finally end i cannot wait I thought I would feel way more sad but I do not I do not feel anything just looking at the time and counting down I am here 12 hours from now the end,Suicidal +10342,9111 10335,Suicidal +10343,Days keeps dragging by and i am just wasting away behind my computer screen. Don\`t want to go out in public due to my social anxiety and the fake smile i have to put on every time i meet someone. My facade is starting to crack and i am just tired and worn out at this point. So here i am browsing reddit and watching youtube trying to pass the time. trying to chat with people but i always get ghosted after a day so i gave up on that. I got stuff to do but i can\`t seem to find any motivation to do anything. It have been raining outside for over a week strait so going and have a wander it the forest is out of the question. Hope everyone else is having a good day. just writing for no reason other than vent a bit. Lost all motivation.,Depression +10344,"I mean they will always have people who want to talk to them and always be able to look in the mirror and feel good. It must be amazing. So lucky. There are definitely a few people I know dog I would say receive so much pretty privilege Why bother trying in life when they will always win, unless you have something else so incredibly attractive? When you are just mediocre and not great looking, what is the point in living? Do good looking people realise how fucking lucky they are? Pretty privilage must be amazing",Depression +10345,"Over the years I was slowly stripped of everything. My interest, personality, things that gave me joy.I have tried therapy, over the course of 12 years i was prescribed 30 drugs and nothing worked. I am feeling like a biological robot. No feelings, no internest, no control over my life. I have appointment for MRI scan next week but I do not feel like I can make it to that day. I am tired, I am not myself anymore and I do not believe that anything can help me. So what is the point? Why should not I end my suffering today? I am tired of constantly fighting with my brain",Suicidal +10346,"I do not know what it is. My heart started hammering in my chest at about 200 bpm (according to the heart rate monitor they hooked me up to) and they had to give me an IV of some chemical to literally bring it to a complete stop to fix it. I do not know why but I feel like I have been moving through a haze since then. I have to come back to work today, because according to my manager I need to ""just figure myself out and come in"" because we need more people. I am absolutely terrified of what might happen if I exert myself at all. I did not eat the past two days and when I did it did not help. Where the hell do I go from here? How do I make this sinking feeling in my guts go away? Had to go to the emergency room after a heart-related incident and now I am barely functioning",Depression +10347,"Venting. This is long, sorry. Feel free to downvote. I am used to everyone hating me and I usually get downvoted all over reddit too whenever I make a post, even when I go to an advice sub to actually ask for advice. I am just getting treated like shit wherever I go. it is fine. And no, I do not jerk off all day and I do go out. Actually I do not jerk off at all. Yes, people on here claimed that that was my problem without knowing me and without me saying anything of the like.**''it is your mindset, that is what keeps people from befriending / falling in love with you''*Yeah, right. that is why abusive men who just know how to act normal in front of others get to have beautiful, normal, lovely women by their side who are unable to break up because the guy made her seriously love him. These kinds of people have the most fucking insecure mindset you could imagine but because they are just so good at dealing with people by nature without having to practice the tiniest fucking bit everyone wants to suck their cocks.**''You just have not found the right people yet''**I am fucking 24. TWENTY-FOUR. THE OLDER YOU GET THE HARDER IT GETS. STOP DISMISSING EVERYTHING FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!! HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL I FIND ''THE RIGHT PEOPLE''?IF YOU ASSUME THAT EVERYONE / MOST PEOPLE ARE SHIT, YOU ARE TOLD IT IS YOUR FAULT FOR BEING ALONE BECAUSE YOU THINK OF OTHERS THAT WAY, IF YOU do not, PEOPLE TELL YOU ALL THE PEOPLE you have MET WERE JUST SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHITAnd EVERY FUCKING TIME I tell THIS to people (both of the above) they shut the fuck up because they realise that I am right, but at the same time they will not admit it because they subconsciously seem to believe that admitting these things makes their lives pointless and they want to kill themselves. Worst case, because they are out of arguments, they just say ''you are wrong. you are just depressed. it is your depression talking.'' or they even get angry XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD**''You are your own best friend''**Have fun getting a good job from yourself. Have fun having sex with yourself. Have fun talking to yourself. Have fun living 90 years of your stupid live and dying all alone by yourself.**''You are not being kind to yourself. Just because someone rejected your friendship does not mean that there is anything wrong with you.''**Yeah, be kind to yourself for being absolute dog shit at everything you do, even when you do it for 8 hours a day for 12 years of your life. Be kind to yourself for breaking your wardrobe out of anger. A couple of doors. A window. Be kind to yourself for being snappy with the few friends you had and treating them badly (NO I do not DO IT ANYMORE, PEOPLE STILL FUCKING HATE ME, YES THAT MEANS I HAVE IMPROVED BUT IT does not MEAN ANYTHING TO OTHER PEOPLE APPARENTLY, and let us NOT act like it is a giant achievement anyway). Be kind to yourself for being so incredibly socially awkward with people that they automatically assume you are a rapist serial killer werewolf. Be kind to yourself and every one of your problems will magically go away. it is just like just believing in yourself that you are going to pass the exam tomorrow without having studied for it at all, or having studied for 5 days straight without understanding a single thing because you are too stupid.it is all bullshit. What these people do not understand is that having a ''positive mindset'' ONLY WORKS IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR. I CANNOT BE HAPPY BY BEING IGNORANT OF WHAT I AM.**''I am just trying to help''**How incredibly self-less of you. Are you? Or are you just telling yourself that so you can think that you are much greater than you already think you are? This is a classic defensive reaction when people realise that what they just said is incredibly dismissive and mean.Some of these people even claim they have depression and at the same time call suicidal people selfish (or ''more selfish'', my enw favourite).People are SO unable to see life through someone else's lens it is fucking disgusting. You talk and talk. You seriously believe just because your life is perfect and you get EVERYTHING you want means that everyone can do it and they are just NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. FUCK YOU! Just because YOU are happy being alone does not mean that everyone can be. Just because you are happy with never being loved does not mean that everyone can feel the same. Just because you do not care that you are horrendously shit at conversation does not mean that everyone can accept it. Just because you are fine with being unfuckable does not mean everyone likes being it. Stop being so fucking arrogant and ignorant. Admitting these things does not mean that you are shit and that you should kill yourself. If you can deal with it, GOOD FUCKING JOB! No, seriously, I am glad that you are fine with yourself. But also seriously, GET OVER YOURSELF and stop FUCKING DISMISSING PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS AND SUFFERING. it is SO INFURIATING.Yeah I would kill myself if I could, BUT I cannot. I literally cannot get ANYTHING right in my life. I am too afraid to die. I just want to stop suffering. I am so sick and tired of not belonging anywhere. I am so sick and tired of being the universe's laughing stock. I am so sick and tired of being my parent's toy. I am so sick and tired of being shit at EVERYTHING I do no matter how hard I study or practice. it is completely fucking hopeless.I JUST do not IMPROVE.I talked to so many people I did not know at all and my ''SOCILAOIAILL SK)ILLZZZ''JUST NEVER GET FUCKING BETTER. I CANNOT IMPROVE. I CANNOT DO ANYTHING BY MYSELF. it is POINTLESS.I will just get drunk again. I finally know why my mother keeps doing it. Felt good the first time around and I might as well just do what my parents are doing. Second time I did not feel super happy like before but I also barely suffered because it numbs you nicely. it is not like anyone gives a shit. After all it is all just in my head right? Nothing is real. All of this must be a simulation... there is no other way... I cannot get the help I need and nobody, truly, gives a shit. My problems are just getting dismissed by everyone and I am led to believe that all the problems I am facing are hallucinations facilitated by my depression and it is driving me insane. Why is everyone trying to destroy me?",Depression +10348,"I am just tired. I know its immoral. Ill end up in hell. I am weak minded, unwilling to deal with my problems and unwilling to change myself. I am selfish. I am throwing away gods greatest gift. I am a shameful burden upon my family. I am a weakling.I am just tired. I am scared of their voices, and I just want to be a normal teenager. I just want a tight hug from someone. I feel so tired. If I die I will not have to hear about him call me weak minded and all the names in the book that just show how much he hates suicidal people. I will not have to hear my sense of self being destroyed from the inside out by her cruel words or the pressure. I will not have to hear everyone call me weak, because how dare I think of killing myself?I cannot see myself making it past highschool. I wanted to be an animator, or something but I just want to sleep now. I want a hug. I feel so alone Am I weak for wanting to die?",Suicidal +10349,"I do not know what I am trying to gain by writing this, but I have come to the point where it feels like killing myself would finally bring me calm and peace. I am a 34M, married, a father of a 1YO boy, with a stable job (albeit not the career I wanted at all), and despite all that, I have been fighting demons that I feel are now starting to overcome me. I have been an anxious, insecure, and depressed person most of my life. I have had dreams and aspirations, but somehow I have convinced myself that I do not deserve them or that I should just put them aside to help make sure my family\\wife would have a good life and a good career. Despite all that, I could lead a decent life, graduate high school, finish my military service as a combat medic successfully, and even get a Ba and M.A. However, ever since my son was born, I have been powerless against my anxieties. I feel like I cannot protect him from anything, be it a minor cold or something else. Like I am always waiting for something horrible to happen to him. Like many other kids, he was sick during his first year, and he still does now and then, but I feel like I cannot control it, cannot protect and that he will spiral out of control non-stop, coming in and out of illness I cannot defend or treat him against. it is gotten to the point where I feel like I am cursing him with my bad thoughts about his health, making him sick, because, as my wife says, ""Our thoughts make the reality we live in."" I feel like I am always prophesizing about another illness he will have, even though, thank god, he is a cure, happy and healthy baby (aside from the occasional colds and other shit little kids constantly get). Even though I know that most parents deal with this and tend to their children and move on, I feel like this is consuming me to the point where I am convinced that by dying, I will finally be free of this pain and anxiety and can finally be calm and maybe happy. I do not want to kill myself, but I am going back to thinking about it too often. I am afraid I might break very soon and leave my family without a father and with a huge scar. I cannot stand myself anymore. I need help, and I cannot seem to find solace anywhere. I do not want to leave my kid without a father, but I cannot live like this anymore. A new father on the verge of losing it and ending it",Suicidal +10350,"This is not for me but my lady's ex, he has mentioned suicidal thoughts in the past and that his depression is causing him to leave my lady's room at her parents into an inhospitable state (he lives at her parents' house). He himself has refused to seek help. I have some questions regarding the hotline:How will they reach out to him?Do they track who calls? My lady also has depression but it has not flared, I do not want to be blacklisted in case they find nothing wrong with him and she needs me to call.What steps will they take if they determine he does have depression? I do not want it to affect his everyday life and his work because he does not really have anywhere to go.I can understand that this can be perceived as a sort of revenge or prank at him especially since he is my lady's ex, but I do have a soft spot for those with depression because I had a hard time overcoming it when it was big for me, and now that there are actually resources I would like to reach out so he can get the help that I never got. Hotline questions",Suicidal +10351,Even when nothing is happening I feel pain I just want it to stop I want warmth and hugs and love the only warmth I feel is my blood when I cut and stab at myself the only thing I can hug are my blankets and plushies and I have no love oh please give me warmth hugs and love I do not care who you are or what you look like just stop the pain I do not want to do it anymore just stop the pain I hate it I hate all of it just cover me in warm loving cuddles until I die Everything is agony,Suicidal +10352,"The last week has been an emotional hell for Reasons I do not understand. As I am writing this now I am in bed for the longest straight time in my life. I have not eaten all day. I have no desire to eat. I have barely drank anything short of the water I have at my bedside and I am trying to fight a complete mental collapse with every microgram of what little resilience I have left in me.it is not working and it is only getting worse. I do not know what I can do, short of stop fighting and let it just wash over me until it passes on its own. it is all going backwards.",Depression +10353,"I am confused why I am stressed/depressed without facing any trauma or any bad stuff.I just see darkness all over myself, I do not see any light in my future. I am hopeless/goalless, without any reason I am living this miserable life. I do not know why I am even alive, why I am forced to be alive. Why we can not turn off the switch when the tv is not showing any interesting episodes? Why we are forced to live this miserable life?",Suicidal +10354,"He was murdered by his friends who invited him out to dinner only to kill him in a brutal slow way, while he was all alone with them at night. Everyone knew they did it, but they had to be released because they could not get enough evidence. The kid who died was innocent and had a gf. It happened in the winter, in a very tiny, stormy seaside town. This kid's death only got a physical newspaper snippet or two, nothing more. No online articles or any records or anything, it is like he was just forgotten about with the exception of a handful of people who remember reading those articles in the printed newspaper shortly after the murder happened. Or the people who worked with him and claimed to have seen his ghost wandering around.. that is it. It was almost a decade ago this happened. Is it normal that the death of a teenager who was murdered by his friends long ago keeps making me very depressed?",Depression +10355,"I am sorry this is a terribly convoluted stream-of-consciousness sort of post.. Also I am really sorry if any of this is against tos... I have not been able to get to sleep normally in weeks and I am writing this at 6:20 in the morning when I have work in 8 hours and I am not even tired yet and that is a problem and I am panicking nowI'm turning 26 in a few days. In the US, this means I lose access to my parents' health insurance. I do not have employer health insurance and will not be able to go to the doctor anymore, let alone afford therapy or counseling.My current job at an arcade is filled with constant customer abuse, usually microaggressions about policies or prices or just dumb people not reading instructions on games, shitty looks and tones of voice and stuff like that which builds and builds until any particularly aggressive, attacking customer is automatically too much for me to handle, but if I in any way engage their shit behavior the onus is on me to ""disengage"" altogether. I never have any real backup from management, it is just constant abuse and then punishment/writeups if I get mad back at a customer for being blatantly mean or harassing. I am pretty sure I am at the end of my rope with the company, I think I may be receiving my final warning today, and I cannot stomach the thought of remaining in a retail environment anymore if I do get fired. I feel like I have hit my boiling point even with just that.My employer has dangled promotion in front of me for months now, which I have made known I *need* in order to continue having health insurance, or else I have to find other work. But I am 99% certain they are going to screw me over on that one. I have been looking for alternative places to work on the side, but it is just becoming clearer and clearer that my lack of a degree is constraining me to abusive retail environments and not much else. I feel genuinely like a drain on society, utterly replaceable.I cannot afford health insurance outside of my employer with the wages I am making currently, I am barely making my rent and car insurance as is. People have recommended government assistance but I have also heard that is a bad idea and i do not know who to believe, or if I would even qualify, and it is immensely stressing me out after dealing with the clustercuss of unemployment for the greater part of last year.I have tried applying at various places and have not really heard anything back. I cancelled my planned vacation in favor of attending the second round of interviews for a place I really hoped would hire me, and they went silent and I have no time left to keep waiting around. I am on the verge of just packing up and moving, but then I would lose access to my primary physician, and I am terrified of going homeless again like I was in 2014/15.My anxiety and stress are boiling over, i think this is a lower point than I was at in 2010 when i got checked into a ward. I know other people have it way harder than me overall, but I genuinely cannot think of a way to make my life actually worth living anymore, instead of a constant grinding to ""survive"". I know I am fortunate to have a job at all, I just cannot handle the abuse anymore. I keep wanting a way out and I am scaring myself that I may actually do it this time.... I do not have a plan, just keep having errant thoughts while I am driving to just go into a lake or off a cliff or stuff like that... I am scaring myself.. I am at my wit's end",Suicidal +10356,"it was a different day in a weird way, in an almost bad way. i saw someone explaining about once a person has mastered the art of acceptance, nothing can hurt them anymore. but that meant that the person had barely to almost no sympathy, i cannot see myself being like that especially to her. then later on i had a panic attack, i could not do anything it was a whole mess. the night was ruined. i was full of anger at myself, i was fully anguished. i accidentally showed that i was not doing well and was done with everything while talking to someone, i was terrified at what i had just done. my whole mind was a war zone, i was not thinking straight, this was the first time in a while i showed the emotion of not being able to handle it anymore to someone, i was scared because previous experiences especially with my ex did not end well, my heart was feeling every bit of nothing, just empty and shallow. but it did not end bad, i actually got a message about how much they cared about me, it made me feel a whole lot better but i still had to get because i felt as if i just embarrassed myself. in the middle of my heart tearing apart from the pain, it was nice. it was nice to even see that she would write its that much, yet alone she wrote me a paragraph about how much she cared about me. the past week I have been praying she would say something like that, I am so glad it happened because its still on my mind and its been almost 24 hours and i cannot get it off of my chest, its nice to see she cares so much. today_i hate how I am so late, I am the wrong person who was here at the right time once, but now the wrong person at the wrong time. almost as if i got the last piece of the cake, which was tiny compared to the other pieces. i hate how people ruined her experience and i cannot get a chance with her nor her full trust, but its how life goes; life is a whole lie. funny thing to mention she mentions how she likes girls and I am pretty sure its satire i think? but it does make me smile in a laughing matter but then i just realise that i really do not have any chances with her, I am just here. I have been unlucky my entire life leading up to this point, my dad hates me so much that I am not even hurt anymore when he says hurtful things to me its normal, my mum sometimes goes out of her conscience and supports him. but i feel so terrible, feel like a shitty son for hating them, and end up forgiving her and him, but then it happens all over again its a cycle of never ending pain. I have been unlucky for quite a while but if I am able to one day get her then ill be more than just satisfied, i just want to be her safe person. it would be a shame if i lost her to some other guy, even sadder if her jokes about her liking girls came true haha, but as long as that person can keep her happier than i ever could then ill be okay. i wish i could go back to the time when me and her first started talking, then till now, she is the most beautiful girl I have ever met, the most valuable smile and the most precious eyes, they were like gem stones but of an odd colour for a gem, i loved it so much when her eyes locked into mine, i was really floating. i messed up. i cannot make her happy and make her laugh like i used to be able to, I am losing the only bit of value to her that i ever had. i hope this nightmare ends one day, and i never wake up. i hope i get stuck between a nightmare ending and waking up, where I am waiting for nothing, just complete blank and am never able to make it out, my heart hurts more and more everyday, and I am too selfish taking care of myself and trying to heal that i cannot even help her. i not only wish to die but also feel like i deserve to. anyways, cya yesterday was a different day",Depression +10357,"To the me who dreamed of it all, I am sorry buddy. I cannot really remember where it all went downhill but at least there were great memories made throughout this life. Alas, I am at the end of the road. My guilt and shame grows day by day. My lack of motivation to do anything and everything. Not being able to contribute to society. Maybe I am taking the easy way out instead of working hard but oh well, sucks to suck I guess. To this lovely world, I bid you farewell. To all the lovely people, be kind and be gentle. If the stars align and a miracle occurs, maybe I will get to see everyone again :)P.S. Play Never in My Wildest Dreams by Dan Auerbach during my funeral thanks! A little note for when I leave this lovely place",Suicidal +10358,I cannot do this. I do not want to be here. I do not want to keep doing this. My kids love me and I love them and they do not deserve the pain if I leave. But I am dead inside already. This is not going to get better. Do I have to stay for my kids?,Suicidal +10359,"I have been thinking of overdosing on my antidepressants since forever, but the one thing that always held me back was my phobia of being sick. I am planning to consume all of my fluoxetine, lexapro and venlafaxine tablets with alcohol, but how do I prevent myself from being sick? Would antiemetic tablets help? Please I just want to end this as painless as possible after all the hurt and pain I have experienced in this life Emetophobia and Overdose",Suicidal +10360,"My body is not shaped like a human man. My body does things human men do not have to deal with. It all makes me evil. I am a demon. I try to reach out for help but all I do is hurt others. I force myself to stay here for my family and friends. I do not want to hurt them. However, sometimes I feel like I hurt them more by being around. I can make myself vaguely human shaped if I walk walk walk walk walk and eat less. My body would still be repulsive, but at least I would be somewhat presentable.I will kill myself eventually if something else does not kill me first. I am less than human",Suicidal +10361,"A few months back my bird died, then my ex broke up a month ago and wanted me to leave our flat, since i am having breakdowns because i cannot find apartments that i can pay for and are big enough for me and my pets (well i found some, applied for them and got rejected), i have to leave this wonderful home, my first home and safe place. I lost my only family with my ex. And while all that is not enough (and of course my mental health also got way worse again) i have financial problems, i do not know if i have enough money to live on my own yet living with a stranger is impossible for me. I do not know how to pay for moving and for the new furniture i need. I also need to pay some other stuff for my health which is freaking expensive as well. And yet its not ending here, my bird is getting more and more sick and there is nothing i can do about it except wait until he dies or put him down. Its not that he is in a lot of pain or something, but he is getting weaker and weaker - i mean sure he already lived for a while and is just old... but its just too much for me especially bc i have to give away my other bird when my sick one died so she is not alone. I want the vest life for her and i already know where i can leave her to so that she can be happy without my other bird but... its just awful. Why is everything at once? Its not just dealing with a breakup, i think that would be so much easier even tho it is very hard for me as well bc he is my sould mate. Why cannot it just be one by one instead of all at once...? I cannot handle all that together. I am losing everything and i just... how am i supposed to cope with that..? Everything is getting worse and it does not stop",Depression +10362,"I do not know how to deal with all of them. Medication (citalopram) did not help and it made me dizzy so I quit. Its been almost 3 years since my burnout started and I had to quit college and my job but I am still showing no signs of recovery. Its driving me nuts.In 2017/2018 I worked so hard to lose weight (75 lbs) and succeeded. Now I gained more back (like 80 lbs) then I lost and my therapists any told me that there is nothing I can do about that at the moment. But I have already been waiting 2 years and 8 months. I am at my wits end.I am slowly seeing myself gaining more and more weight which is absolutely ruining my mental and physical health. I am too afraid to go outside in daylight because I am scared people I know will see I gained all of the weight back. Especially the people who used to bully me. My therapist recommended focusing only walking 15 minutes at night but that is already really tiring for me. It makes me really dizzy and tired. I only succeeded in doing it for one week recently I have been thinking I do not want to live anymore so often and its scaring me. I feel like I am out of options. Depression, Anxiety, Autism, Weight gain and a Burnout",Depression +10363,"I have very sever (diagnosed) OCD. My psychiatrist does not like labels so she does not even tell me if what I am feeling is because of depression. Basically, I fear seeing/guessing coincidences. I am mad scared that they might make me believe that they were somehow signs. I have had many coincidence happening to me where I thought for example beforehand: ""If I see a car with XXXX license plate it means I am in hell"". And It happened. I know it is probably bullshit, but my brain internalized the fear of ""being in hell"" now and for over 9 months I have been feeling really sad and empty. Like even in nature where I usually used to feel well and happy, I now feel really down and I remember the ""what if I am in hell or what if God is evil"" and then I become even worse. I cannot be happy anymore. My cat died and I did not even felt sad, I feel a helpless void because of this thing that happened with the license plates. it is ridiculous, but it is how I feel everyday. It just gets better when I am distracted doing something, but as soon as I am left with my thoughts the sadness creeps in. I am on an antidepressant btw. Can this be depression? I am confused",Depression +10364,"I would rather be depressed miserable, pessimist, whatever else people enjoy labelling me as; and be real with everyone all year round; than literally just exude fake happiness which just exposes people's clear insecurities.People would rather walk around with a plastered smile that looks so forced and energy depleting rather than wait and be disciplined for the real and genuine smile when you meet with something, a person a situation that makes you really happy.What is the point in trying to *convince others* of your apparent so called 'happiness' 'higher frequency' bullshit when all it does is make others feel bad and guilty for their depression and difficult times in their lives?I am not saying you should not strive for it and *obviously* faking happiness can be a good way to get there. But I actually think real problem solving in your life is the only way to find true happiness. Faking it is just away to avoid the real issues in your life that are not changing. Maybe start with that before enforcing your toxic positivity rules onto others. I am talking to you twitter. Genuine happy is better than fake happy",Depression +10365,"it never seems to be enough but I have been getting deeper and deeper the last several times and leaving really nasty scars. i do not want scars i just want this all to be over already, i guess I am getting closer every time though, but I am terrified of cutting some important tendon and surviving with that mobility loss after. why is it so hard to die why cannot it be over yet. one step at a time i guess ill be there soon enough, practice makes perfect etc etc i hate that I have been getting better at hurting myself",Suicidal +10366,"Very sad and angry and not in control of my emotions. I keep remembering all the things my piece of shit parents, grandparents, siblings and other people did to me. Even the things I have done. I am FAR from innocent in the situation. I just wish my parents were not fucking breeders so I would not have to go through these intense emotions caused by them because they had a child and was not able to be there for me. I hate them and wish I could never see them again. I NEVER felt safe around those people. My father was always quick to hit somebody and my mom did nothing when he choked slammed me then kicked me afterwards.SHE WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE! When I asked why she just let it happened,she just said that I needed to behave properly. I guess that she wanted us to know how it felt to get hit by him like that. She always let him hit her all the time because she was too stupid and coward to kick his ass out. Nobody better tell me some stupid shit about loving your parents unconditionally because they did not love me that way. They could not even protect me. They betrayed me. I owe them nothing,absolutely nothing at all. Anytime I went to them when I needed them they blamed me instead of trying to help.At this point in my life,he abandoned us. But before he did,he had two outside kids with two different women and went with one of the women. And he dares to demand affection and understanding from us. And that is not even the good part. All of my family members on his side agree with him doing all of this and a cousin even threatened to beat me because I refused to talk to them because they saw nothing wrong with what he did. I do not even see the point anymore in anything. Anyway I am rambling,this rant is over. Emotional turmoil",Suicidal +10367,"Just a few years ago I was 100% sure I had some form of brain cancer or a serious disability. I was clumsy, had minimal motor skills, among other things that affected me physically. I was unable to perform simple mathematichal tasks, my ability to think logically was almost gone, I had trouble understanding what I read. I felt so so stupid. My social life crumbled due to poor social skills. I was also almost sure I was in the spectrum because of this. I felt like a 5 year old in a 22 year olds body. I have had a spiral of depression since I was 14. I did the mistake of googling the effects of what years of untreated depression does to the brain. It was possible that I could lose my cognitive abilities forever. The chance of me getting my brain functioning normally was now only half. It was the first time I thought about taking my own life. There was not supposed to be a future for me. But I new what happens to people who do not go can ask for help. I did not want to die. Turns out, it was not scary at all. Getting help. At first it was a school psychologist, then a doctor, then therapy. In therapy they made me do all kinds of test that included evaluation of cognitive abilities and things related. All test results were below average, some were far away from average. I was mortified. I found out I have ADD and depression made it so much worse, hence me believing I have brain cancer. Due to right kind of support and therapy I am strarting to gain what I lost over the years. It took a while but I finally feel I am able to have a job or go to school allthough it still feels absolutely terrifying but I am currently at a job I like and I am actually good at it. I have a wonderful loving husband, a home I feel safe in, a social life, I am able to enjoy things and feel sincere joy regardless of everyday struggles I have. It was so much worth it to get help. There are so many good things in life that I was blind to. The moral of the story is that it is worth it to get help. And it is not as hard and scary as it seems. Recovery is possible. What untreated depression does to ones cognitive abilities",Depression +10368,"I have been living alone since June and all of my roommates work back at their hometown for the summer. (I am in college). It is currently killing me inside being alone.With not having any of my friends in town, I have been able to hang out with some other people i never really got to know until this summer. Truly, i really like this group of people that I have gotten closer with, the only problem is I have managed to catch extreme feelings with one of the girls there. She feels the exact same way towards me.. in a way. She got out of a relationship this past May and long story short, she wanted to stay as friends because we just were not on the same level. she is just not ready for anything despite the feelings she has for me. So this girl just removed all her feelings for me overnight. I feel like utter trash. I did not do anything wrong, and with this happening it makes hanging out with this group very hard because of my situation with her. do not get me wrong, her and i could try something again when she is ready. But this hurts me right now.What I am trying to get to is I feel like i do not have anyone. This depression is taking a huge toll on me mentally. I have had many suicidal thoughts before and i have always mentioned it with my brother or someone I am extremely close with. But i have not said anything to anyone this time, which scares me. I truly have not been able to enjoy anything this summer.To add to this, i have lost 16 pounds this summer solely off of my appetite.I am alone with my own thoughts literally all day and this situation with the girl makes everything 5x harder. I feel I was not good enough. She said I showed her what she truly deserved and that she was so happy to have me. She left the next week. I am in such a hole, and i truly feel i cannot make it out of this one. I do not know.",Suicidal +10369,"I tried messaging people that already posted here but nobody responded. I thought that talking to somebody who feels like I do might help us both. I guess everybody here is already too much wrapped up in their sickness. I am not sure where to go. I do not know what to do. I do not even know what ""want"" means anymore. I do not want to die but I have to fight myself to not carry that out. I know that I am the same as the people that did not respond to me. But I promise, I will respond to you if you need me to. I do not want to die.",Suicidal +10370,"I Was Supposed To Write That Here. Literally Fuck The World I Have A Nice Life The World In Which I Am, I am Supposed To Be Happy But Fuck No My Frickin Brain Is Like Wearing Grey Glasses And Seeing Rainbow I am Fatigued All The Time Have Anxiety Symptoms Hate School Little Work Makes My Mind Tired wtf is wrong with me .",Depression +10371,"I am not really sure what to say honestly. I have seen and dealt with a lot of horrible things, and many of those situations are permanently imbedded into my memory. Whether it be job related, or I am my own personal life. My support system is shakey at best, non existent most days. I cannot talk about my experiences from not being able too really trust anyone, and just feeling like no one cares. I keep pushing myself forward day by day hoping it gets better, but I lose more and more of myself each day. I am not sure what to say.",Depression +10372,"This is my suicide letter... I am broke, I have no job, no money, no hope, no prospects... I injured my foot so I can no longer stand for long periods of time and that will take hundreds of job ops off the table. I have not had running water in a year, my apartment is filling up with garbage that I cannot throw away because I do not have enough space in the can outside, it gets too much, too fast... I have no friends or family who care, my grandmother and her family have abandoned me long ago, my parents are dead, and my mothers family blocked me after my mom died.I live in hell, a constant unbearable hell that nothing will ever fix, I have been hopeless for the last two years, I have struggled to change this, to get ANY help, but nothing, I cannot get mental health help because I do not have insurance, I cannot get a job because I am just disabled enough to not be able to join the work force, I could try for disability, but people tell me it takes months and you could end up getting rejected.Everything I do fails, writing, art, offering commissions, starting a patreon, even NSFW options fail, nothing works, nothing helps, my house is a monument to trash and mold, my bathtub filled with the water bottles I spend almost all my fucking money on to have drinking water, I do not have gas in my house either and by winter, I will repeat last year and freeze every single night. I cannot do this anymore, I have nothing and no one. to A, you could have helped me and you fucking watched me have breakdown after breakdown and then try to gaslight me, you could have looked for work, you could have done ANYTHING, but you did not feel like it... to C, I am so sorry, but I am always going to be a failure and you deserve better than that. to M, he molested me as a child btw I do not want to end it but I have no choice, there is no hope left in my life",Suicidal +10373,What happens if you change your mind half way through a drug over dose ? Can you just make yourself sick and be okay ? I am not in my home country and plan this on the 28th I cannot go to the hospital and be on a psych hold as I have to travel on the 30th ideally I just do it and then I am gone. How long does it take to kick in ideally want to take as many pills at once Overdose,Suicidal +10374,I just feel lonely. I cannot make friends. I am just a loser. I need love. I want a girl to love and being loved. cannot take it anymore,Suicidal +10375,"So I am 20, male. Still at their place. Still in the house of the man who, on multiple occasions, had tried to choke me to death. Still in the house of the women who took his side when he tried doing what he had done, while talking shit behind his back about him. Still in the house of twofaced individuals who maintain the image of good, just, kind, outgoing people. Whenever I told my situation to anyone who knew anything about them, the response was the same - ""your mother loves you more than anything, your father is so funny, your depression is making all those things up, get a grip"". I do not even know if I am even remembering things correctly or if I am making things up. I have no proof of being beaten, of being yelled at, of being manipulated, of being persistently made fun of, I have none of that. Hell, the only reason I am working right now is because of my father. Of the same father who was only present in my life to berate me, to beat me, to try to kill me. Granted, I have failed a lot throughout my life, I did not study at all, I was at my PC all day, so I sort of do entertain the idea of me deserving all this. I did waste my life and academically, I did not do shit. I dropped out of college too and I feel like the only reason they have accepted this decision was because they just all gave up on me. My mother, father, sister, grandmother they just do not give a shit anymore and it makes me miss the yelling, the beating, the threats, because at least then, they had cared about me. And now my only plan is to move out. Not even to a different town, just a different place. But what about after that? I will still be a friendless loner with no life skills, with no life experiences, with no talents, with a minimum wage job, what then? I will still be alone, all by myself. Maybe I deserve that. I do not even know anymore. I am trying to be as objective as I can, but through my own perspective, I cannot. I am just so tired of being alone, of not fitting in. I am tired of knowing a fuck ton of people and telling all of them about how I should have killed myself and how I have no future, no ambition, nothing. I am tired of not having anyone to love, of not belonging to a group of people that will just do whatever the fuck. I am tired of my prime being wasted. I am tired of not having that wild life that I am supposed to have by now, because I have no one. I am tired of being the incompetent extrovert who can talk to people, but cannot be with people because I leave them all or vice versa. I just do not know what to do anymore. Daydreaming about doing the over the top proposal to the one is beyond pathetic given that reality will never happen. Daydreaming about making it big with music is beyond sad given that I do not have the talent nor do I know anything about mixing, mastering, processing and shit like that and my voice is pathetic. Daydreaming about being at peace with myself is beyond unreasonable given that I have been alone for so long that I feel like I have gone insane already. I am just lost, what am I supposed to do given that all the psychiatrists are scam artist scumfucks? Everything has gone down the shitter and even if I get out, nothing good will come out of it",Depression +10376,"Like I just do not want to feel like a sloth doing things all the time. Is it too much to ask to not be tired for like a few hours? Honestly, I think I am going to stop taking meds, they are not helping at all. I am on meds, but still, my fatigue is immense.",Depression +10377,"People hate me. They always get tired of me, especially when depressed. They always leave. So, Apparently I am ""Too Much"" For People.",Depression +10378,"I am slowly getting to my breaking point. I have been up for 25 minutes and have already thought about suicide so much, like my life is not bad, i have a wonderful family and a girlfriend even tho i feel like she is slowly starting to lose feelings but i could not ask for me. obviously I have tried getting professional help but got turned down for being too young which is kind of dumb. my head is all over the place and i do not know what to do with life anymore, i listen to sad songs i relate to and try write sad songs for people to relate to and to be honest its starting to get boring and not help anymore. I have lost interest in everything i once found fun and interesting. my parents do not realise there little boy that was once happy and lively is now sitting in his room contemplating whether today will be his last day or not. once again i do not want any advice or anything i just need to vent. I am not seeking help from anyone but just want to vent.",Depression +10379,"""Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you."" What if the abyss wants to do more than gaze",Depression +10380,"Am I expecting too much to just want my family to learn to recognise when I am just having a depressed day to help me out a little bit. Sometimes all I need are just a few words of encouragement to help me find the strength to pull myself together that day. Sometimes it is literally as simple as do not make it worse for me and I will be fine but I am just met with disappointed looks and annoyance because ""ugggg he is having one of those days again"".They keep asking me to help them help me and I will tell them exactly what I need but I never see any of it happen in practice. Sometimes it is as simple as just saying that everything is going to be okay to reassure me that is all but it never happens. Am I expecting too much?",Depression +10381,Just seems like a constant lie/delusion. So tired of forcing myself to be positive.,Suicidal +10382,"I am 27M and I have been feeling depressed for as long as I remember, I cannot recall what it is like not feeling this way. However, I was never officially diagnosed. I have always said to myself I am just sad, lonely or whatever. Now I am scared to go. Scared that there is actually nothing wrong with me and this is who I am. Scared that I cannot be fixed and will be like this forever. Majority of depression stories have some kind of trigger, some kind of trauma. I had nothing, my childhood was fine, I was not bullied, no one died when was I young. These thoughts and feelings of sadness, numbness, apathy just slowly creeped over me and now have swallowed me whole. Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me. Things that I used to escape no longer help. Due to these feelings and my social anxiety I never developed any close friendships and/or romantic relationships. I keep wanting to talk to someone but there is no one really to talk to. And, hell, even if there was, I have no idea how to talk about this. At this point I feel like I will be alone till the end. And maybe that is for the better, no one deserves to be stuck with a loser like me. I let it get to this point, I do not deserve love, I am not owed anything. Anyway, I do not know why I wrote this. Just wanted to vent I guess. I am scared I am making it all up",Depression +10383,"I am 32 now. I was never skinny, but I am gaining weight ever since. Now I reached 200 pounds while being only 5'10"". I realized I am really obese now (BMI over 30), though I thought my lifestyle was not that bad - I do not drink any sweetened drinks, no alcohol, I never eat junk food (no fries, hot dogs, tacos, no processed food). Sweets very rarely. I even have some amount of exercise (though I would like to exercise more, but I fail so much at it) - I walk or take a bike wherever I can, I do not have a car and never will own one. So it can be only worse.So the thing I am posting here is that obesity will kill me (and I cannot do anything about that) and I do not want to live past 50 anyway - just long enough to pay the mortgage and bring the kids past their teens. So I can start with heavy drinking, bacon and sweets in few years. Any means of death is horrible, but no one will notice this one - a perfect win. And if Covid or something takes me aerlier, I do not care - the sooner the better. I have not even taken my vaccine yet as I have been putting it off for too long. Can obesity/diabetes kill me before 50?",Suicidal +10384,I am in a situation where i cannot get out of.Its a beautiful day outside but I am in so much pain and i have nobody to ask for help I am going through so much now and I am really anxious. I am fucked,Suicidal +10385,i want to stay for my family cuz ik how much they love me and i love them so much but right now i just do not see a way for me to stay alive. I do not have any reason or point. I am just suffering everyday with these suicidal thoughts and they just will not go away. I am starting to think that i might actually do it and its scaring me. I do not want to die but i do not want to live like this anymore.. i feel like I am at my wits end. i do not even know why I am writing this but I am just so done with this shit.. i do not know what to do..,Suicidal +10386,"I am 26 i live alone and i looked this morning and i just have my last 0.22 eurocents until the 2nd of september.I am a uni student and I am supposed to get money from the university which got postponed.I cannot work right now as i have some exams , i ll start working in september.I have nothing else to sell, and little to no food left and i can barely sleep from the anxiety .I live in a shitty 3rd world country and i have no charities or organizations in my city that can help and I am just completely alone....i feel pathethic i do not kniw what to do i tried everything.Experiencing the darkest days of my life now I am at rock bottom",Depression +10387,"I believe that materialism, technology and social media is really fucking people up. There seems to be a level of competition with everyone, wanting to look the best, have the best things and post it all over social media for gratification. Wearing expensive brands seems to be the norm. People spending all of their money on ridiculously expensive clothing and jewellery all for a social media platform, for likes, for this shallow gratification. The cliche saying of loving things and using people seems to be getting stronger and stronger. I feel the worlds priorities seem to be so out of balance. We have everything we need for a happy life here on earth and still the system and the way we live we have created this competitive, unloving, uncaring, selfish, greedy society.Idk, maybe I just was not built for this. I used to work in sales and that was such a toxic environment where is everyone out for themselves. where is the empathy, where is the community, where is connection. I feel as a society we are losing this. I wish I knew how to fix this. Suicide rates are sky rocketing and its no wonder why.I think I suffer from low level depression and I am from a loving family and have an ok standard of living. I cannot imagine what it must be like for some.Maybe I have a pessimistic view on things at the moment. But my emotions and my thoughts lead me to feel this way. I am trying to practice self care more and more: meditation, good nutrition, exercise, reducing my alcohol intake. But still there is this underlying dread and fear that as a society we could be literally living in heaven but instead we choose to live in a low level dystopian world.Is this a warped perception or reality which I have created in my own mind? Does anyone feel the same? Is todays society the problem? Or is it me?",Depression +10388,"For context, I am 22 years old going on 23. And these past 4 years have been taken away from me and continue to just wither away because of illnesses. When all I wanted was to live a life of peace. I never asked to be rich, never asked to be successful. I just wanted to be alone and happy to my own devices. But that is apparently too much to ask for. Instead, I gained rare chronic illnesses that for whatever reason progresses and takes away pieces of my life. Whilst also being underfunded whilst society does not give a shit about the unhealthy. I can now think about suicide like it is nothing, I am no longer afraid of death. It seems a lot more peaceful than what my life is now. Visual Snow Syndrome that progresses and continues to become more severe for no apparent reason, afterimages that torture and fill up my vision both positive and negative. Light sensitivity, warping you name it. it is supposed to become stable after 2 years, which seems like a lie considering it is only gotten worse for the past 4. Then, there is tinnitus. I hear multiple **5 to 6 sounds** spread across my ears, permanently. All different, some even sound reactant. Hissing, ringing, ""morse code"". And it never stops. And then to top it all off...**Hyperacusis** that has gotten worse very recently. Something that has taken me well over the edge of ""Oh fuck it all"". I was still considered strong prior to this funnily enough, so long as I had my music to escape and whatever vision I had to play videogames or watch movies etc, I will be fine I thought. Then god once again fucked me, worsening something that only 0.6%(?) of people on this earth has. Sound sensitivity. It is fucking torture. I can no longer do or enjoy basic things that people use to escape a nightmare. Everything, has been taken away from me. And I did not have much left. Not only are two of these conditions considered rare, but they are underfunded by a society that does not give a fuck about unhealthy people. And then you see it on the news, two billionaires using money for flying out to space for shits n giggles. Leaving you behind. Which only results in demoralization that people like that can exist while everyday you wake up looking into a mirror as a broken husk. Ending my life would be a genuine blessing. I have given up on both myself and society as a whole. Just fuck this shitstain world. God is wanting me to suffer, my life is literally a nightmare",Suicidal +10389,What would happen if I took 3500mg venlafaxine (effexor) and not tell anyone? Will it kill me or should I stock up more? This is it - I am finally going to do something right,Suicidal +10390,"I just find myself so useless. I have been dealing with social anxiety, others may find it easy to go out to work, but not for me. it is really stressful whenever I think about going out to work. Even if I have a job, I find it meaningless too, to wake up at 7am for a 9am job, reaches home at 7pm, only a few hours left to do my stuff and then sleeping early cos you got to get up early next day again, that goes on for the rest of my life which I do not like it at all. I tried to sell some stuff online to support myself financially, but that is not working out. Now that our breadwinner has passed on, we are left with a huge debt for housing loan, and also suffering from monthly utilities bills. Family and relatives only tell me to go out to work so that I can have an income to support the family. Others look down on me. Since I am so useless, I am slowly losing my will to live. I just want to leave and go to a happier world. Slowly losing my will to survive, do I have anymore reasons to live on?",Suicidal +10391,"I used to wonder how somebody could still have depression when in a relationship. By now I am married with kids and fully understand how. there is no empathy, no true intimacy. Only constant defense. She does say the 3 words but only as answer never by herself. A few days ago she was texting a guy she met online... while I read going down on her... she thought I would not notice I guess. From an abusive mother who basically destroyed my soul, to this. If not for the kids I would be dead for a long time by now. I have up on the world and on people. Living just for the kids now. Alone",Depression +10392,"Hi. I have quite a-lot of joint pain in my back, knee and neck area and apart from the hernia problem in my lower back which is very small, I have heard that some of the joint pain can be psychological. Has anyone here had any luck with prozac making joint pain better? I am not on any meds rn. Prozac",Depression +10393,i cannot see any other option at this point. i do not see a future for myself anymore. .,Suicidal +10394,"I am first generation. My parents stayed together because of religious reasons, but there was a lot of emotional and physical abuse. Typical I think a lot of first gen suffer like this. Now as an adult I am having trouble being emotionally stable, I feel helpless at these feelings, and depression takes over. I know I cannot change the past, but now I have difficulties making adult friends, because I was so limited, I was not allowed to have friends over, My parents fought with family so even family connection was limited. My dad was always angry if I came out of my room he was yelling at how useless I was, so now I realize Idk how to be with people. People think I am so weird. I am so tiered of having such a hard time at being human, I crave emotional connection and I do not have it. I used to think of everything so religiously because that was embedded into me, now I am always doubting if god exist and if life is pointless. Its hard to stay positive, idk what to do with my life and if I do not do anything doctorly I am a failure to my parents. What is up with foreign parents wanting all their kids to be doctors? I started therapy its been 3 sessions and right away she wanted to put me on antidepressants, and I tried it, I had the worst idk what to call it, I started taking the anti depressants and I am like, why is life? I should just die. And I was sleepy all the time, so I stopped, I do not want anti depressants I need something and idk what. This is a desperate late night vent, thanks for reading. I needed a venting source, here I am",Depression +10395,"Of course I am not perfect, but I have always been so innocent, so new to everything and have always looked at everything with good eyes, that when I realized most of the people are nothing but crap something inside me broke into a thousand parts.I am not stupid, I know exactly what people have to do in order to survive, but I used to think we all could work together somehow to fix it. Or at least, that I could find happiness in all this vast ocean of shit. Now I simply lost hope.As title says, it was the whole world what has put my in here. Its like if I have been given life just to see a grey and inert pile of shit. The world broke my heart",Depression +10396,Will I wake up from a high stress simulator and lose out on some job because I did not have the mental fortitude to last longer in the simulation and then feel terrible IRL? Wonder what happens after?,Suicidal +10397,I saw it half an hour ago and it really hurt me... I feel so heartbroken... i feel so unwanted it hurts so bad... I am worried I am going to try to end it again tonight.. someone please talk to me I feel really unsafe tonight after I saw something that upset me,Suicidal +10398,I do not get why good people who have lots of other who love them have to get unlucky and die in a car crash or something. Why cannot I just get unlucky and die in an accident so I can just be gone. No one will remember me it does not matter. Why cannot I just die,Depression +10399,"I have just finished school and my depression has never been worse. I would rather literally kill myself than working like a slave for the rest of my life. Maybe I am mentally retarded or something..Anyway, I was studying med school (not doctor), and there is a job I could potentially apply for but I do not know if I can do that. I have zero experience and I am always nervous in new environment.. Who the hell would like to work with someone like me. Also, my communicating skill is almost non-existent. Even if they would invite me for a job interview what the hell would I tell them?! I can put mask and act like a different person, but this is just too much..On the other hand, I am ready to kill myself in 48 days so. Do these anxious thoughts even matter? Applying for a first job vs depression and social anxiety",Depression +10400,"Nothing makes sense in me anymore. I think I have gone crazy. I will kill Myself, if not me, then someone else. I have bottled literally everything up inside of myself for as long as I can remember, but all of that suppressed anger is bursting. If anyone so much as makes an annoying comment toward me, then I do not know what I will do to them. I cannot live anymore. I need to die. I hate myself so goddamn much. its funny, I used to believe in God. I have Snapped",Suicidal +10401,I cannot wait to end my life. Today is my last day,Suicidal +10402,"So, I have been in these forums trying to help as much as I can, while battling this mo*fo* depression. it is been a year of fight. Some goods days, most bad days. But something in me always told me to keep fighting. That something has burned out. I can feel a new depth of hollowness in me. I am assured there is no more love life for me. Best part, the woman I love, she met someone. And I think he is good for her. I have not seen her happy for so long. And I do not want to destroy her life too. In movies we see the hero, throwing away everything to confess his love, but in real life, I have nothing to begin with, to throw away. I do not have any money, lost my business, seperated from my wife, who I wish is happy. So you see, there is nothing more for me. I have done my part in this world. Only thing to do is, disappear. I just want to vanish from this world as soon as possible. If anyone can help me, let me know. Just a fast death. that is the only thing I genuinely genuinely wish for me. Getting off Reddit. Adis brothers and sisters, it was a hell of a ride. I have given up. After a loooong fight",Depression +10403,"I do not know if I am the only one but I cannot be. My life is so dull I look forward to the day I die. I am too much of a coward to take my own life as all I can think about is the pain it would because my parents. I have tried in the past and the pain I saw in my mother's eyes will haunt me forever. I find no joy in anything, I have been depressed for 14 years, I have seen doctors, counsellors, taken medication but in the end I feel as though this horror will never leave. I have 1 good friend who does not live near me anymore and I find it difficult to make good friends. I go about my life like everything is great and everyone I meet thinks I am doing just fine except I am not. I try to find new things to do but nothing interests me. The only enjoyment I get is gambling and when I have lost all my money the depression kicks in worse. I was wondering if anyone else has been in my position and found a way to find life enjoyable? I really cannot remember the last time I was happy. Sorry for the long post I just do not know where to turn to anymore. The dullness of life",Depression +10404,I am so sad all the time I hate it. My relationship with my family only gets worse every day and I am losing the only friend I have had in a long time. No one cares about me anymore and I feel like I am just in limbo waiting to die. Why is it so wrong to just put myself out of my misery if I am suffering? I do not want to be here anymore and people tell me it is going to be okay when it never will. it is been so long. It never gets better. I just want to be done with everything. I am so done with everything,Depression +10405,"do not try and tell me not to because it will not work, I am hellbent on giving it a go. If anyone has any advice or experience I would like to know :D Has anyone been drink driving before?",Suicidal +10406,I guess it is just jealousy. I am just over here laying in my room all day alone while they get to have fun with their friends Seeing my old friends enjoying their life with their friends hurts me,Suicidal +10407,"it is just everything. The world is so sad. I can see it in their eyes. it is all I can see. I cannot see anything else. all I see is their sadness. Even behind their smiles, there such immense pain. The pain of existence. There is nothing beautiful about human existence. If you look hard enough you will see the pain in their eyes. And once you see it, it is all you can see and you cannot stop seeing it. Disease, Age, Hunger, Loss, Grief, Greed, Hate, Manipulation, Lies, Deceit, Pain. Not even the big ones, I am talking about the little ones. Even the little things because so much pain. There is no reason I can fathom that any being should endure. Fuck endurance. Why did we glorify pain like that. it is just.. Sickening. The world has Sad Eyes",Depression +10408,"Hi, this is a new account I made just to say this. I have been suffering from depression for a while and that has caused me so many things, I have almost commited suicide before, I have gotten an F, a few W's and Incompletes in college but somehow I managed to survive.On top of my problems, there is a lot going on in my life. I am doing a (summer) college class for the 3rd time and a few days into it, my good friend unexpectedly died. I have a midterm tomorrow which is 30% of my grade and because of this horrible news, I have been depressed, unable to function and I have to make up 10 two hour lectures for the midterm tomorrow. On top of this, due to the pandemic, my father has lost his job and we are about to sell my house because we need the money.The thing is, I have a loving and supportive family, my friends really care about me and I know a lot of people will be affected if I am not here. All I can think about is how to I die and not make it look like I committed suicide. I feel really alone even though I know that there are so many people who care. But I still called my friend because I needed warmth? but I just could not tell him what was wrong with me so I just hung up. I spend most of my time in my room and when I go out of it, I put on a smile in front of my parents but I feel like I have the world on my shoulders. There was a time where I used to tell my really close friends everything, including stuff like this, but for a while I have stopped doing that. I was just listening to music and sobbing. I have had weeky therapy for over 6 months but it just is not working. With my last therapist, I was in such a state also, and I told her what I was feeling, and she told my father what I told her and I felt so hurt by it. So here I am today, feeling the same things but I am unable to tell my current therapist how I am feeling because I am scared that she will tell my parents.Sorry if this is too long and too heavy for whoever is reading this. I just typed what was in my head. I do not want to give up, I just feel so much pain for so long and nothing has helped. I posted this on another subreddit, I did not know this subreddit exists so I deleted that post and posted it here. A cry for help...",Suicidal +10409,My whole life has been shitty from the beginning and bad things keep happening and all I want to do right now is scream and cry and kill myself and nobody is fucking awake to talk to me and even if they were they probably would not respond usually i put effort into making these posts grammatically correct and not incoherent run on sentences but i cannot do it anymore i just really want to die I have gone through so much and I really want to die.,Suicidal +10410,"Hi all,I have had depression since I was a kid. I have a long family history of bipolar, borderline. It was talked about and my parents have mental health issues, but the only thing I was ever treated for is ADHD.In the past, I used to have pretty bad GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), and had a lot of panic attacks. I would also have some really severe points of depression where I was pretty debilitated for 1-2 weeks, but I have found for the most part my more severe points of anxiety/depression have diminished.I do have some substance issues, mainly drinking which is not a daily thing but once i start i cannot stop, just heavy binge drinking. I did used to use quite a bit of c\*ke which was a big personal and financial issue, but I have curbed that for the most part. A few of my friends actually had an intervention with me about my drinking, when I get past the point of no return with alcohol I get extremely depressive and just talk about dark stuff in my past and just want to take any and all drugs. My friends were basically like every time you drink you do this and its too much for us etc, we cannot deal w this and you need to stop. so severer depression recently has manifested itself more in substances than in my day to day.however, my day to day is meaningless and empty. I do well at work because its the one thing I am a perfectionist about, but the way I live is so depressing. I have nothing to look forward to, I wake up, go to work, go home, watch tv, sleep. Sometimes have friends over for drinks.I cannot take care of myself, I can barely maintain personal hygiene like showering or doing laundry, i have garbage all over my apartment. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. Something traumatic happened to me about 5 years ago, since then I have gained 100 pounds just with binge eating.I cannot even look at myself in the mirror, let people take photos of me. Before I had insecurities, but I still wanted to be seen. My friends do not even invite me out for day activities because on my days off I am in bed till like 5pm.I am an artist, that is the only thing i care about. i have not been able to make work in almost 2 years because the burden of it feels like too much. I feel like a fraud, like i do not even know where to start.I am not majorly depressed right now, I have been there where all I want is to die, but its more just like day in and day out meaninglessness. I dissociate a lot, always going through the motions and i feel like I am wasting my life.I am really uncomfortable with doctors, i have not been to one since 2012 lol because of a bad experience. Overall though I can barely take care of myself so scheduling appointments is something I have been delaying for years.but for those in a similar situationon antidepressants, ssris etc -has this helped you deal with the day to day? I know i should make a lifestyle change and put more effort into being happier, but it just feels so daunting. I am wondering if beginning with a prescription will get me to the point where i can begin to address the areas of my life i need to work on. pls share your medication experience/how it impacted you! i feel like its the only way for me to get somewhere because i feel like I have been completely stagnant. will antidepressants help me, or do i need to make a lifestyle change?",Depression +10411,"In fact, I would have been gone a long time ago if I was brave and was someone who was quick to act.it is the laziness and cowardice that are both keeping me alive, while in a state of suffering.There are no health problems, no dysfunctional family issues, no economic hardship. it is just that it is not fun here, and I want to leave. This mindset survived unchanged for the 30 years I have been alive, and I am not at all motivated to go on. Courage and diligence are two traits I have been lacking. If I had them I would not be here.",Suicidal +10412,"I m 42 and somehow still hanging on to life. it is fucked up. I m old enough now to have seen a few friends die. Friends who wanted to live... Cancer and car crashes. And I think ""what gives universe? If I have another 30 years alloted to me why not do everyone a favour and give them to one of these nice people who are enjoying life""But no. The happy die sooner than they d like, and the miserable keep trudging on. Cancer and car crashes are never where they are needed",Suicidal +10413,"I did everything I could, I am in debt from buying the best medical care possible for her. She suffered for a couple days at most and was happy every since I took her from the street.Still, I feel like a failure. Intellectually, I know I did everything I could and that she had a happy life.does not make me feel any better. I hate myself so much for not being able to help her. I just keep failing again and again and even when I do everything ""right"", I get no relief.I love someone who is been out of my life for two years, I work at a job I do not care for, I am barely holding on to my classes at one of the best universities in my country.And I should be better, I should be able to go further, to do more for myself and those around me. But I just stay here, where the smallest efforts take all my energy and will. I stay here stuck, thinking about someone who does not give a damn about me.And now I lost my best friend, who has always been there for me, and I could not help her.I am exhausted, I pray in my every wake moment that I did in my sleep and never wake up. Just tired of being worthless and a burden. I hate myself, I hate everything, I just want the world to burn. Just lost my dog",Depression +10414,Really. I always thought this to an extent. But now the one friend I was closest to for years and I supported for years just let us me rot and could not care less how I am feeling or if I died. I am sure this friend will cry and play victim when I die. I never saw this coming and this just confirms that most people are shit. I am still in shock and I am full of hate for this person now. I know that is not serving me anything good but the last 3 years have been so fucking SHIT and I have met so many people who have fucked me over and showed me they do not care about me when I thought they did and when I did care about them. I am so done.Maybe it is fucking cheesy and pathetic but these lyrics speak so much to me now:Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness?Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Fuck people,Depression +10415,"I feel like I am sabotaging my personal relationships somehow. It seems like some of my closest friends are distancing themselves from me, and I cannot tell if its real or just my self loathing giving me more of a reason to hate myself. I am trapped. I cannot possibly talk to them or Ill come off as desperate or even manipulative, and I do not want to look like even more of a pathetic fucking failure to the people I love. I cannot even sleep because I keep myself up at night. I just want to end it all, but I am too much of a failure to even get that right. Id planned it out a few months back, and part of me wishes I stuck to it. The worst part is I know Ill be back to normal for a few days, hate myself for overreacting, and then it will hit me again. I just want to die so my friends will not have to deal with me and my constant worries. I do not want to burden them, but at the same time I am too selfish to actually end things. I do not even know how I feel most of the time, but even if I did I cannot talk to my friends about it in fear of feeling like even more of a waste of space. I know I am too much of a coward to actually end it, but I do not know how much more stress and anxiety I can take I am a fucking failure",Depression +10416,"I started training martial arts (boxing, must thai, jiu jitsu) 8 years ago, and I have found it to be one of the best things to help me maintain a good mental state. it is great for endorphins, it is social in a way that is quite structured (which helps me if I am socially anxious), it is a hobby that people find interesting, and you get the confidence that comes with knowing how to handle yourself.Has anyone else found that something similar works for them? Would you try it? If not, why not? Martial arts and depression?",Depression +10417,"Things I have dealt with:-Addicts for parents since a child and their two divorces-Depression, Anxiety, BiPolar Illnesses within It just seems like no matter what I do, nothing improves.",Suicidal +10418,"Recently i seem to be having brain fogs, as in i am not able to concentrate in classes nor am i able to take new information as i used to. I do not have motivation to do anything. The other thing is that whenever i try to make a point a lump forms in my throat and eventually i start crying, regardless of whether i made my point or not.I also feel really irritated most of the time, and i really have no reason to be irritated at those things.My parents just tell its nothing and if you continue studying it will pass. I need to know if i should seek help or if what i am experiencing is not due to depression",Depression +10419,Not to mention all the invalidation. nO oNe iS uGlY. Man. I wish I could stop caring so much about attractive women. Makes me sad to see them. No one will want my ugly boring ass. Lifes fun . Depression + ugly + shy + socially awkward + quiet + social anxiety is one of the worst feelings,Depression +10420,"Some things were said to me, and it made me rethink if I should live anymore at all. Rethink if I am even a decent person, rethink if I am capable of loving or being loved, rethink if I am capable of caring for a person. Because the one person I loved and cared for so much said that there is nothing more fake than my love and that I never cared for her and never did. It broke my heart and I do not know if I should even get married to anyone, or talk to anyone or even live anymore. Really depressed and suicide prone.",Suicidal +10421,"hey all, just wanted to ask if saying that I am depressed and suicidal to my mother ok? My family is shit I hate most of my brothers but I know my mom might care about me but she would be horrified that I have tried to suicide right... What should I do? I want some honest advice",Depression +10422,"I just started a job in customer service. Working from home, fortunately. I have been unemployed most of this year and I have been a financial burden on my boyfriend. This sweet man even offered to get a second job so I would not have to work. But I could not do that to him. I want to be better. it is just so hard. My training ended last week and today I am going into calls. To add to the stress and anxiety, my training was not very good. I have no idea what I am doing. I have panic attacks and cry every day and going into calls is going to make it worse. I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts but today is one of the worst days. I cannot sleep. I can only think about how much I want to die. I keep thinking if I just end it now, I do not have to deal with work. It would be so much easier. The only thing that is been keeping me grounded this year is my dog, and she only does so much to keep me level-headed. I want to quit. I do not want to go in. I really think this job will kill me. I cannot even afford therapy. And I will not get insurance until my 60 day mark. What should I do? I quit my last job (also customer service) because it was wearing on my mental health and I could not handle it anymore. I just want to be happy. But one second I am totally fine. I have come to terms with this and I have convinced myself it will be okay. The next I am a bawling mess and having a panic attack and wanting to end it all. People always say ""it gets better"" but that is such a load of bull. My life has consistently been shit. I do not need to love my job. I just do not want to hate it this much. I do not want it to destroy me. I cannot get the help I desperately need and I am not alright. Has anyone else been in this situation? Did anything help? What did you do? Because I am more alone and lost than I have ever felt in my life and I am trying to find any excuse to hit the exit button. But maybe it is just better that way. New job in customer service and I have SAD. Great.",Suicidal +10423,"I have been thinking about it for years. My life has been hell, I have lost the people I loved the most, I moved overseas, I am alone and lonely. Things were looking up at one point until they were not. I have the means, and I have 3 weeks of no work, the only responsibility I had in my life. I do not think anyone would notice my absence until I have started to decompose. I do not have friends or family left. I just feel tired. I am tired of trying. My relationship of 7 years ended up in flames. He told me he was with me out of pity. I cannot go on like this anymore. It hurts being alone. I am going to end it.",Suicidal +10424,"So i am gay and dating this boy, he is amazing and all, but i have to reassure my love for him ALL THE TIME. It would not be a problem because i know he needs It but everytime I say something ""bad"" like ""i am asleep I am Sorry, going to try to stay awake with you but I am not sure If i can babe"" or ""i do not want to talk about this topic right now"" he starts saying he will not ever talk about his insecurities with me again, he turns out so extreme then i get angry sometimes (and Bro i try so bad to not be angry, but i hate ultimatums). Sometimes I do things that are bad for our relationship, I am addicted to some drugs, Very impulsive person etc. But when he feels down i always try to stay there for him, i do not know what else i can do or what I am doing wrong that he feels so unsafe with me. Does someone have tips for what to do when receiving messages like ""I will never talk about my feelings to you again""? I do not want to loose him :( I am dating a depressed Guy and need help",Depression +10425,I am so alone no one talks to me. I am in my room all day I sleep until 5pm. I literally want to get a gun and blow my brains out. I am so tired of life like I really am. I am so alone,Suicidal +10426,"Well think I am honestly done with life. My life was pretty much over the second I was born an ugly and short guy. I was always going to have to try harder, be extremely charming and outgoing, and have a good job to ever get a relationship rejection after rejection at a young age that just completely broke me. Went from a straight A kid to a kid who gave zero fucks about my future.. I am now 23 and just stay at home and do nothing but play video games. I often wish I could be any guy but me. I drink nyquil nightly to just forget who I even am. I cannot stand seeing women or even couples its just a fuckin reminder how worthless I was to women I am sorry to guys who are as unattractive and lonely as me this is a nightmare.. if there is an afterlife, I hope I can maybe get married their and have the children and happy family I always wanted because I was never going to here this was a painful and lonely existence but I am done. This is it for me.",Suicidal +10427,"I have basically decided to end my own life today. I am 8 years deep of very real and life impairing mental illness struggles, with no reprieve. And I do not think I can do this anymore. I am tired. I am so tired.I really want to not be here anymore, and it alarms me how little I care about how I would hurt anyone else. Because I know It will hurt people, but my pain seems more legit than theirs afterwards? If that makes sense.I am here I guess because I know it is wrong to feel this way, and yet here iam.I have spent the morning cutting myself up to sort of work up the courage to just do the actual thing.The pain from cutting feels good. It reminds me how little is between this pain and none, and how quickly it can be over. I should not be feeling this way, what can I do? I need help from somebody really badly. I am defeated.",Suicidal +10428,"Its been up and down for a while but I think she left for good the only person who I really felt loved by and understood by. Always there for me at our best, I tried but it was not enough. How do I be ok? How do I stop feeling this pain? Long term girlfriend left me",Suicidal +10429,Whenever something bad happens I get suicidal thoughts.I cannot explain how I feel properly. It just happens in seconds like I can be in a good mood and all of a sudden out of nowhere the thought of suicide appears. It gets more intense if something bad happens. Is this normal? I do not have anybody to ask this. Is this normal?,Suicidal +10430,I am experiencing a deep personal depression due to the circumstances I am finding myself in. I am taking medications but its simply not changing the fact that I live in a fucked up country and horrible things are happening all the time. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? I am lost and I need help hope this does not get removed but will not be surprised. what am i supposed to do?,Depression +10431,"Anyone have thoughts on this. When I get suicide ideation, this is what comes to mind benzo/heroin OD",Suicidal +10432,"I am 19, i know I am young, but just so much shit has happened and nothing I am dealing with is temporary and got a bunch of pills and idk what else to do I just cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +10433,"Hey, even though I see life as a incredible gift (unvoluntary though), I really miss the feeling of having a clear direction or meaning. I would love to be one of those persons who are very passionate about something in particular. I did suffer a lot in school. I knew they are ripping of my valuable life time, making me be a cum whore for things that are not even scientifically true. I hated it. I was a rebell, but not brave enough to quit school. So I guess I could be a activist for children rights. But to be honest. Do I really care? I am not special. Like every other human I just crave attention, validation, Love... But that black hole inside me... Can it be filled up? I do not think so. I am also vegan. But do I really care about the animals? This world is so fake. Fridays for future? HAHA. Fridays for self glorification and flexing. You faggots keep smoking, eating meat, be proud for being vegeterian (hahahaha, milk industry is even more cruel than meat industry). I hate students. Especially philosophy students (even though I study philosophy myself.) Hours of talking, smokind, drinking, taking drugs. Talking about politics ""philosophy"", but just beeing useless fake people. Bla bla good vibes. Faggots. FUCK YOU. &#x200B;So yeah, I am bitter and pissed. I was idealistic once. Now I just see humans and their behaiviour and cringe. I also cringe at myself. Being locked up in your own body. Being so limited. Okay. There is a certain aesthetic though. For some reason I am still alive. But yeah. I am struggling to find my way. I want to care! I think I should give up. that is fertile ground for a new start. Well. Yeah. So. &#x200B;TLDR; How can I care again? How can I genuinly enjos something? How can I avoid seeing every behaiviour as purely fake and transactional? ( DO X to get attention, validation....)I do not expect your awnsers to help me :D &#x200B;Peace up How can I truly care again?",Depression +10434,And Id like to feel like I am not alone being 30 and constantly thinking about it. Are you guys out there?! I see a lot of teens talk about suicide,Suicidal +10435,"Recently I have started this internship and moved to this really amazing city, an opportunity I have been waiting for one and a half year but unfortunately for me, I absolutely hate the work that I have to do. Ironically from a general point of view it is really not awful and while I am fully aware of it, it still everyday kills me a little more. However this internship was my way-out ticket from last year which was one of the worst years of my life. we have got sent home from uni, my 3rd and last study year became online and I do not think I have ever encountered so much loneliness, isolation and dullness like I did during the pandemic in my life. Besides work and work again though on my 2 days off I either read or stay in my hotel room. Have got absolutely no one to do anything with. Go out, hang-out, eat or explore the city and doing all these things by myself just makes me feel even more alone than I am so it seems like that is it. that is where my life stops. And I am stuck. Because even though I feel like I cannot stay here any much longer I know for sure I can not go back home. Because as little as I have here, I literally do not have anything back home. No friends, no group, no social life absolutely nothing. And that makes me feel like I am completely missing out on life, at 23 when I should be living my best years, gain all these experiences and feel young, I feel old and tired and absolutely broken inside. I just can not fathom why seemingly I can not have a more active life. what is painful is that I am someone to who being active and friendships count a lot and yet no matter what I try or where I end up, it is always the same pathetic record - me being so on my own and never having friends ever since I have graduated high-school. I honestly just do not know what to do anymore. Where to go or what to follow but this can not be it. it is exhausting feeling and living this way. Doing and having nothing and holding back crying almost every day. A huge part of why I am so unhappy that is probably even more excruciating is the fact that I am not able to do what I am really passionate about professionally. The school I ended up going to was a plan B. I have chosen it after already dropping out of another one and deep down even though I was hopeful I have knew I would probably end up here. that is the thing about plan B's is not it? I think that is exactly the reason why I am so lost and cannot seem to find my place in this world. I have tried so many different things and they all were such a clear reminder that I know I am on the wrong path and that my biggest issue starts from there. I have grown up with an immense love and fascination for film and I do not think there is anything that I would want to do more than film-making. Unfortunately in my home-country there is no school or even an industry for that and abroad I just simply can not afford to study. it is literally the only thing I know in my bones I would be good at. it is hard to explain but I just feel it. What I am having a hard time with is understanding why is that my so-called professional call if that is literally the only thing I would want to do, but cannot. It consumes me how much I would want to at least be able to try to do something about it but cannot. And accepting whatever's left instead just kills me and clearly even though I have tried and am still trying even these days is not a healthy option. Lastly I just want to quickly mention that for some reason even though I love reading, books make me feel even worse. I have been reading a lot of YA and they all depict a reality I would like to find myself in. All the laughs, all the friends, all the parties and crushes are exactly the elements I am missing and have always been missing from my life. And this is exactly why I feel like I do not belong. I feel things differently. Maybe I just feel more. People nowadays are so shallow and to me valuing things, being genuine and having genuine connections is still so important. I have got so much life in me and things I would want to do, places I would want to visit but here I am. Maybe I am just delusional, maybe I have high-functioning depression, I have been thinking about therapy a lot but I just know that it is not going to magically give me neither friends nor the career and life I would like to have. I just feel like I am not right for this world, I honestly do and even though I am not suicidal and I would never do anything to harm myself death seems like such an easy way out. As if tomorrow I would be told I have a terminal disease it would give me a twisted purpose because for the first time in my life I would know where everything is headed to. This one and a half year for some reason I can not begin to tell you how much I have thought of that. Anyhow, thank you a lot for taking time to read this if you got to this point any advice is much appreciated! I think I am never actually going to have a life or find my place in this world",Suicidal +10436,"Hey reddit. I do not know what is wrong with me. Sometimes I feel so happy and lifted but I always end up back to this state of sadness and I think about killing myself way to often. I have worked many different jobs, done many hobbies and sports, went to university for a couple years, exercise. I have friends and family. I just feel so lost and meaningless. I find myself breaking down more and more often. What do I do? Where do I find purpose? What am I missing? Purpose",Depression +10437,"I need someone that I can talk with, if anyone is willing to open up about their disorder or just wants to talk, it would be helpful Psychosis, ocd, schizoid, depression and anxiety",Suicidal +10438,Is anyone here willing to give me motivation to commit? Like just check in every few days to remind me that its hopeless and give me some encouragement to do the right thing. Cheers. Can anyone help?,Suicidal +10439,"I am such a fucking horrible person. When I think about my family being sad about my suicide, I cannot help but think why do not they just kill themselves as well. I am starting to become irrationally angry at people trying to help suicidal people, even when its not me they are helping. Actually anything related to suicide that says its bad makes me annoyed. I actually need to die at this point I need to keep my mouth shut. Holy shit I am starting to become pro suicide",Suicidal +10440,"Recently I have started this internship and moved to this really amazing city, an opportunity I have been waiting for one and a half year but unfortunately for me, I absolutely hate the work that I have to do. Ironically from a general point of view it is really not awful and while I am fully aware of it, it still everyday kills me a little more. However this internship was my way-out ticket from last year which was one of the worst years of my life. we have got sent home from uni, my 3rd and last study year became online and I do not think I have ever encountered so much loneliness, isolation and dullness like I did during the pandemic in my life. Besides work and work again though on my 2 days off I either read or stay in my hotel room. Have got absolutely no one to do anything with. Go out, hang-out, eat or explore the city and doing all these things by myself just makes me feel even more alone than I am so it seems like that is it. that is where my life stops. And I am stuck. Because even though I feel like I cannot stay here any much longer I know for sure I can not go back home. Because as little as I have here, I literally do not have anything back home. No friends, no group, no social life absolutely nothing. And that makes me feel like I am completely missing out on life, at 23 when I should be living my best years, gain all these experiences and feel young, I feel old and tired and absolutely broken inside. I just can not fathom why seemingly I can not have a more active life. what is painful is that I am someone to who being active and friendships count a lot and yet no matter what I try or where I end up, it is always the same pathetic record - me being so on my own and never having friends ever since I have graduated high-school. I honestly just do not know what to do anymore. Where to go or what to follow but this can not be it. it is exhausting feeling and living this way. Doing and having nothing and holding back crying almost every day. A huge part of why I am so unhappy that is probably even more excruciating is the fact that I am not able to do what I am really passionate about professionally. The school I ended up going to was a plan B. I have chosen it after already dropping out of another one and deep down even though I was hopeful I have knew I would probably end up here. that is the thing about plan B's is not it? I think that is exactly the reason why I am so lost and cannot seem to find my place in this world. I have tried so many different things and they all were such a clear reminder that I know I am on the wrong path and that my biggest issue starts from there. I have grown up with an immense love and fascination for film and I do not think there is anything that I would want to do more than film-making. Unfortunately in my home-country there is no school or even an industry for that and abroad I just simply can not afford to study. it is literally the only thing I know in my bones I would be good at. it is hard to explain but I just feel it. What I am having a hard time with is understanding why is that my so-called professional call if that is literally the only thing I would want to do, but cannot. It consumes me how much I would want to at least be able to try to do something about it but cannot. And accepting whatever's left instead just kills me and clearly even though I have tried and am still trying even these days is not a healthy option. Lastly I just want to quickly mention that for some reason even though I love reading, books make me feel even worse. I have been reading a lot of YA and they all depict a reality I would like to find myself in. All the laughs, all the friends, all the parties and crushes are exactly the elements I am missing and have always been missing from my life. And this is exactly why I feel like I do not belong. I feel things differently. Maybe I just feel more. People nowadays are so shallow and to me valuing things, being genuine and having genuine connections is still so important. I have got so much life in me and things I would want to do, places I would want to visit but here I am. Maybe I am just delusional, maybe I have high-functioning depression, I have been thinking about therapy a lot but I just know that it is not going to magically give me neither friends nor the career and life I would like to have. I just feel like I am not right for this world, I honestly do and even though I am not suicidal and I would never do anything to harm myself death seems like such an easy way out. As if tomorrow I would be told I have a terminal disease it would give me a twisted purpose because for the first time in my life I would know where everything is headed to. This one and a half year for some reason I can not begin to tell you how much I have thought of that. Anyhow, thank you a lot for taking time to read this if you got to this point any advice is much appreciated! I think I am never actually going to have a life or find my place in this world",Depression +10441,"I am 15, 16 in well I guess a week now (August 1st) but I do not want to make it that long. I have a pretty good life but I am so depressed and hate myself so much and I am sitting here on the couch sobbing with some mild medicine that I know with enough of I can overdose on and just looking for a reason to stay I guess, I do not know what I am waiting for, I really put myself out there to help other people but I want to be selfish for once and act on my feelings even if it hurts them because it will help me I want to die",Suicidal +10442,"Okay so I have been feeling down for a long time. Each day is a battle. People around me think I am doing okay and each time I reach out to my friends, they end up comparing my problems to others who are even less fortunate. that is not how it works tho, its a bad idea to compare peoples problems, it makes one feel unheard and neglected.Anywho, I feel like I am tired with life, some people are fighters, good for them, some are just losers like me who call it a life when thrown dilemmas and difficulties at. Its not like my problems are not solvable, its just that I am in a bad position rn and I do not think I can deal with this for the next 60-70 years of my life. I am in huge student debt (about to be, I am 18), my startup is going to fail probably (yet again because no one wants to invest in anything that does not inspire confidence), my love life is a dry land because I never have enough time and when I do, I just deal with disappointments. I am sorry if this got drifted away from the title.So yes, the title, I have planned the next step once and for all, I am not doing it yet, I do not want to do it in the vicinity of my parents, my plan is to do it when I move to uni soon, a place where I am far away from anyone I ever knew. I have written a detailed note on why I am doing it and okay yes I know these problems can be solved, I am not a total dummy, its just that I have lost the will for everything. Everything. I do not want to deal with an ounce of the life I have apparently been blessed with.Even if I seek more help aggressively to prevent my decision, its going to delay it but I have been at it for years since I was probably 15 or 16 so yes if not now then in the near future I am going to do it. I am not doing any of that to garner attention. Hell Id be happy if people thought I just disappeared but that would be rude to leave without at least a note.Just wanted to get this out. I am not expecting any type of comments nor looking for feedback, just sharing. I wrote the note",Depression +10443,"i went to a suicide prevention chat line, and they had a ""short wait"" in which was 25 minutes. the line just said ""try again later"" after it failed to help. what the hell i hate suicide prevention lines",Suicidal +10444,Where did my weekend go? Why was i so sad this entire time? I wish I did not have to deal with these emotions on the regular. Just trying to keep it all together even when I feel like I am falling apart. Trying to keep it all together :(,Depression +10445,"I am a little ffd up rn so if I do not make sense I am sorry. anyway, I used to have a job at a restaurant back in 2019 and was a solo host / busser. the environment was pretty high stress because of all the duties I had to cover at once (including online orders). I had another job as a janitor not to long ago, it had it is perks sometimes, but we were short staffed so work was heavy. even so, I feel like I could have done the work in my sleep. it was so simple and repeated that I started to dissociate really fast almost every day. it made it really easy to think about some really dark stuff directed at myself. the restaurant job was too high stress for me. every time I had to handle money as well was really bad because I would be shaking so much that the change would fall. I just do not know what kind of job is going to be relaxed but not to where I am by myself but also not going to be stressful. I am feeling really held back by this stuff and it is the worst feeling ever. help or advice is really appreciated guys!! I do not know how to get a job if my anxiety and depression make it so hard mentally for me",Depression +10446,"I have been depressed for a really long time, essentially the majority of my life. In the midst of my current depressive episode I just notice how far back it actually goes and I have gotten 9 or 10 out of 16 years I have been living with this. I want to have a future, I want to have kids and a start a family when I am older, be successful, etc. I do not think I can do any of that if I am depressed at random. Every depressive episode can be triggered by even a mild inconvenience. My depression is only getting worse. Every year I lose the will to live more and more. Its been so long and I will need alot of therapy to get over it but that is the difficult part. By the time I can afford therapy I am scared it will be too late. My parents know about my problems but they ignore it. They know about the self harming, the suicidal thoughts, a rough idea of how long I have been depressed, etc and they do not believe its bad. I have asked for therapy multiple times and its been dismissed. Working a part time job that will allow me to afford therapy in college is iffy, affording therapy fresh out of college is iffy, whether or not I will ever be able to afford therapy is iffy. I see people, on tv, in books, in the news, online, even on subreddits like these, with children; and they constantly express how depressed they are and whether or not they can live for their children. I do not want that to be me. I do not want to grow up never getting the help I need and when I do someday have children, they lose their mother to suicide. Or even worse they grow up with a mother who is depression affects her ability to parent; and she ends up lashing out at her children or being incapable of taking care of them the way they need all the time.I want to try to heal in my life, and I know I cannot do it alone or even with support from loved ones. I know to heal I am going to need professional help, but I do not know if that is attainable. Healing before I can really live my life.",Depression +10447,Sorry the title pretty much says it all. I finally fell asleep at about 1am because I was absolutely exhausted but I had this really morbid nightmare and woke up at 2:50. It was graphic as hell and really disturbing -- I was too scared to fall asleep again so now I am shattered. The worst part was waking up in a cold sweat and desperately longing for my ex. I just wanted to cling to them and sob. I was terrified and they are the first place my mind went to. I do not think they will ever understand how much they meant to me and how willing I was to stick around when things got hard. I just wanted them. I think this might have pushed me a little further so. Idk if I am going to survive the week at this rate. I do not see a point in living. Really disturbing nightmare,Suicidal +10448,I am 18 i have one last year before collage i tried to get into photoshop but you am horrible and i cannot do it there nothing in life that I am good at i do not know what i want to do in life I am trying new things but I am horribie i cannot get a part time job bc I am socially awakrd and just weird someone pls pls talk to me and tell me i can live after high school bc fuck the rate I am going now is horrible with everything growing up,Depression +10449,"Nothing changes for me but for worse. The only direction that my life can take is to worse. I am one of the loneliest persons of the world, and you do not have any idea of how much I hate it when people act like ""whoaaa, this guy is so fuckin sick"" when I act the same way they did to me. I am tired of being treated like commodity with no soul.The only exit I see is the final one, but I am a pussy and I know I will not do it until at least I can say goodbye to everyone. I am too fag to end with my life",Depression +10450,"I always try to better myself, and allow people to enjoy the journey, experiences and ideas i have to do it, and somehow everyone that comes along benefits from it and i just stay in their shade and i am sick of it honestly. Why cannot anything good ever happen to me. I feel like I am always helping people be better and achieve what they want but i never do. Then i get jealous and feel remorse towards them",Depression +10451,"I think my mental health is getting worse. I am angry that life even exists in the first place. Some fucking chemicals got together for no reason and now there is so much suffering in the world. For what? A feeling of sadness greatly outweighs a feeling of happiness. Most animals are constantly either looking for food or trying not to die. Whenever people try to help I get annoyed. I do not care enough to get help and even if I did I would not have the guts to tell anyone. I am hoping I just grab the gun and do it one of these days. I could not care less if it will get better, or if my family will be sad, or if Ill miss out. I am literally just staying alive because of survival instinct and the chance of failure. I could not give less of a shit if I really want to die or not. It will not matter if I am dead. None of this will matter if I am dead. I am starting to just not see suicide as a problem anymore at this point.",Suicidal +10452,"I have been struggling with depression for my whole life and I have never had a girlfriend.I can suspect many reasons (but I do not really know the true answer) but the bottom line is it is never happened for me...I have never had the timing/luck to catch women when they are available...they are always taken. I have heard all ""the right person will come to you when you least expect it"" and other such nonsense...I do not believe in it...I am not that lucky.it is very hard meeting someone when you have depression/anxiety disorder. it is so hard to get the kind of confidence that women demand, and/or risk rejection and get the little esteem you have blown away. it is even harder to put on a fake display of pretening to be a happy version of yourself when deep inside I am screaming. And to keep doing this all the time, everytime.For those of you who have (or ever had) a gf or bf at one point, how did you manage to find yourself in a relationship? It is such a curiosity to me. I feel like I am missing out of what others describe as such a 'rich and fulfilling experience'...which adds to depressive state that I have never gotten there. But still, I would like to know. How did you get the courage to ask him/her out? How did you make it work? Question for depressed people who have (or ever had at some point) a gf or bf.",Depression +10453,"Every day I hear my partner yell and swear in frustration and anger. he is angry at the phone, at the tv, at the other drivers on the road. I have learned not to fuss about it. I just try to tune it out. Tonight I got frustrated at an ATM that was not working and I yelled at it. My partner told me I needed to calm down and made a big deal about it. I stupidly pointed out that he yells all the time when frustrated. He said it was ""whataboutism"" and irrelevant and that I needed to calm down. I am angry and it feels completely unfair but you know what I am going to do about it? Nothing I am just going to try to keep my head down more.I am pathetic. I want to die. I would not even do that right though. I wish I had a gun. I have looked into other methods and I am pretty sure I would just fuck it up. I am pathetic",Suicidal +10454,I have proper let myself down... That feeling of desperately wanting to talk to someone but having nothing to say,Depression +10455,"I think a huge thing that makes me so depressed is the fact that nothing is permanent. Knowing some day my friends and loved ones will die, some day I will graduate, some day my favorite shows will end, my favorite bands will disband, my boyfriends will leave me, etc; knowing all of it will all end is so distressing. If I make it to 18 I want to get tattoos. Even if they fade, I want to get SOMETHING that is permanent. Maybe when I am 18 things will be better and I can get a cool ""i got over my depression"" tattoo...I do not know if I can go that far, in all honesty. I do not want to kill myself but I do not want to keep seeing everything around me end. Whether its now or in the future I do not want to see the things I love end or die or disappear. I do not want to keep living and it feels like a matter of time before I suck it up and just end it, or until I find that painless method I have been hoping for, or until I come to terms with what happens after death. I know the bad things are permanent. Are there any good things that are permanent? Please tell me about them. Give me something to look forward to. What is permanent?",Suicidal +10456,"Life is an enigma. Yes, that is a bold statement, and no- I cannot explain what I mean.We are born- individually- each being biological miracles. Our consciousness is gifted to us by our parents and relatives. Our appearance: the product of those who are biologically linked to us. Our thoughts, emotions, our very existence was summoned from unknown origins. Scientists cannot explain our consciousness; they cannot explain how humans perceive reality the way they do. We are remarkable, unfathomable creatures.What separates us is our morals, thoughts, interests and preferences. Our single race has so much diversity. There is much good and there is much evil amongst us.I suppose the above was a bit of preface to what Id really like to write about.Its difficult to ponder a question for years upon years, knowing an answer is most definitely unattainable. The questions about our existence and meaning simply do not have answers- or perhaps they do- but they are so far out of our reach that we cannot imagine the answers to such questions.Why we were given the ability to question our existence, if an answer cannot be attained? Is it an error in biology- or is it a call for humans to figure out our origins and meanings? What if there is an answer?How can we choose what purpose our life holds? Most humans assign a purpose to themselves and chase that (for example, becoming a doctor and healing the sick)- others drift aimlessly- and others do not question their lifes meaning at all. I personally do not understand the latter people.What is it that I want?I have many things for which I am grateful for. I am blessed in many areas of life. I have a wonderful partner- who tries to show me how much he loves me each day- and a beautiful son. I have a home, access to clean water, food, electricity and free health care. I still have both of my parents- and I have not suffered the loss of any immediate family members. I am blessed in many instances but why is it that I do not feel fulfilled?What is it that I NEED to feel fulfilled? And what if its not possible to achieve that feeling of fulfilment? What if I spend my entire life yearning for that enigmatic, something greater?I know that I am meant for more. I feel it deep within myself- in fact- its the one truth which I have carried with me throughout my entire life. But I do not understand what it means. What is that more? Life is an enigma.",Depression +10457,"My parents have been asking me a lot lately what I want to do with myself following high school and through adulthood, what I want to major in, careers I am interested in, etc. I always respond with the same answer, I do not know. Why do not I have any idea what I want to do in the future? Because I do not expect one for myself. I have zero motivation to get anywhere in life, I have no interests that are worth putting time and effort into to better myself. I have heard plenty of adults say its all downhill past 25 (age) well if that is true, what is the point of living past 25? Let the people who really have life aspirations get where they want to be, let them succeed and fulfill their goals, people like me just get in the way. I honestly do not know why I feel this way, I have a supportive family, great friends, heading into junior year with sports to do and everything I should be happy, I should want to keep going, but I do not. I just do not see how life is going to be worth living in the future if I do not even want one. I do not want a future",Depression +10458,going to try hanging Doing it soon,Suicidal +10459,"I need someone I can talk with, if anyone has any disorder and wants to open up or if you are willing to just talk with me it would be helpful Psychosis, ocd, schizoid, depression",Suicidal +10460,"I attempted again this weekend and i think my best friend is kind of mad at me for it, so i do not think he cares if i just end the friendship. I am still planning to die soon and i do not want him to hurt anymore. Ending friendship just because i do not want them to hurt when i die by suicide",Suicidal +10461,Anyone ever tried starving themselves? Think I might give it a go. This could be a pathetic 48 hours... This could see me skeletal within a couple of weeks. I ll let you know how I go. Starting today at 87kg Voluntary stop eating,Suicidal +10462,"I do not want to, but the scars speak for themselves. it is a filter, and those who truly care would reach out. But there is no one who would reach out. I have cut since sophmore year of high school. I have had my scars since then and no one cares.I do not want to die. I do not want to hurt anymore. I just want to matter despite not mattering. I want to be desired not because I am making someone hapoy, but for being me, even when I am suffering. The only way I know how to reach out is to cut",Depression +10463,"I feel like an island. Over the past year it seems like I have drifted away from everyone in my life to the point where it feels like I have lost the ability to maintain meaningful relationships. I feel extremely isolated from others - like I am trapped in my own mind. People that used to make me really happy I now feel an indifference towards or worse they make me extremely angry. New people that come into my life seem so bland and uninteresting. Every interaction I have with another person feels so fake. All my responses in conversation feel rehearsed and not genuine; its like instead of actually being apart of a conversation, I am an actor that has their lines already memorized, or a robot with a set of pre-written responses. At the same time, I have developed a very short temper when it comes to talking to people. An otherwise benign statement or conversation topic will instantly sour my mood and when people make mistakes I just cannot seem to let it go and in my head I actively hold it against them. Everyone disappoints me. Maybe I should just isolate myself from society for a while and cut out all of my friends and family. If I do not, I worry that I will eventually hate anyone that ever cared for me. What the fuck is wrong with me I cannot connect with anyone",Depression +10464,Glitter by Patrick DroneyListen and cry and be encouraged Life is worth living I want to share a song that comforts me when feeling doen,Suicidal +10465,hey does anyone want to talk? just to get my thoughts out i have absolutely no one to talk to I (16F) am having a depression relpase,Depression +10466,"A year or two ago I gave up on love and ever really finding a sense of belonging with family/friends or whatever and I told myself as long as I have my passion for music/martial arts I could keep going. Unfortunately it feels like it has become less and less enjoyable for me. Recently despite making it on the fight team at my local mma gym I feel like shit. Making music used to be everything for me but I can hardly get the motivation to open up FL Studio anymore. Nothing is fun anymore. Sleepless nights, unemployed, alone and now my last lines of defense against the mental void is slipping. What can I do? Am I just going to be a walking corpse for the rest of my life? Things I used to enjoy are fading away.",Depression +10467,"Really bad night, really need to know someone can communicate with me. Is anyone available for a chat? do not want to feel alone right now.",Depression +10468,"I am 26 i live alone and i looked this morning and i just have my last 0.80 eurocents until the 8th of september.I am a uni student and I am supposed to get money from the university which got postponed.I cannot work right now as i have some exams , i ll start working in september.I have nothing else to sell, and little to no food left and i can barely sleep from the anxiety .I live in a shitty 3rd world country and i have no charities or organizations in my city that can help and I am just completely alone....i feel pathethic and i have a knot in my throat it feels like I am doomed.I do not know how i can pick myself up it feels like i tried everything and my god if there is a rock bottom then this is mine...Sorry for the rant just needed to say this to someone, anyone At the end of my ropes",Depression +10469,The friends I do have are no help and everything I have tried cannot distract me. And I have spent all day in bed. I am just sad and no one I talk to has made me feel any better. And I fucking hate this feeling so much. Nothing I do distracts me and I have no friends lol,Depression +10470,"I feel like everyone else was born with some sort of knowledge about how to function as a person that I just missed somehow. How do other people do it? How do they make it look so easy? I know I cannot see inside other peoples heads, but it seems like other people just *know* how to make friends, how to do well at school and work , how not to be so fucking clumsy and awkward all the time. Maybe I was just born defective, yknow? Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe there is no point in trying to improve myself anymore I do not even know if improving is even possible. I feel like Ill always be two steps behind everyone else. Maybe it would be easier to just stop trying. I feel like I am irreparably broken",Suicidal +10471,"i thought i was finally happy with who i am, but I have completely lost myself and all of my friends. I am lonely, piece of shit, miserable person why",Suicidal +10472,"I am not looking for peoples to wish me an happy birthday, I want to say that sometimes life is worth living, i wanted to end it all at 20 but here iam, it takes time before something bright happen but it will eventually happen, I wish everybody the best and if you need to talk I am here for you take care guys I made it to 21 yo",Depression +10473,"I have the most supportive parents I could ask for, they do everything for me. Yet the best I could do for them is stay in bed and not kill myself, what a waste of energy for them. I am such a burden, I cannot do anything right I am so fucking useless and costly. I wish I could go back in time and somehow stop my birth from happening, that would save them the pain of having to deal with a pisslow child.I guess the best course of action now is to die, for the sake of everybody around me and myself. Someday, when I have it in me, I might hang myself in a ravine I used to like walking down. I do not see any downsides, my parents being able to focus on the kid that matters, more money, etc. And I am free from the pain. Why am I so ungrateful?",Suicidal +10474,"I am not really suicidal anymore but Id still do it if I got the chance, you know?? I found some pills on my moms desk, and usually she locks them away, but they are there like I see them with my own eyes. I am debating on taking them but I have no idea what they are, and if they are some sort of important medicine I do not think I should take it like just I do not know what to do Ok, probably going to delete this, but I am stuck",Suicidal +10475,"I am 21, a uni student from Canada. I live with my gf and I do not have any story or anything special to comment onI work as a retail employee for minimum wage, I have an average B- in my classes. I have no friends, except for my gf, and my family never calls or says hello. I am an absolute nobody with not a goddamn idea where my life is going.I have had depression for a long time. When I was 15 I tried to speak up about it; and about the suicidal thoughts too. All that really did was get me medicated, and forewarned that if I tried anything Id be locked up in a mental institute for life. I stopped trying to reach out after that. Ever since, I have been trying to convince myself not bite the bullet and take my own life. The meds just make me feel hollow, and any attempt I make trying to improve my mental state just eases my mind temporarily. I do not want sympathy, I am fact, I do not know what I want. I feel like I am just floating through life, but every second I reflect upon who I am I just hate myself. I am a shitty bf, a terrible son, a nobody who means nothing in the world but another average face in the crowd. Another environment destroyer, another annoyance, useless coworker, skipped Reddit post, another fucking nothing. I wake up every morning and ask myself why I am alive, and every morning I cannot answer that question. If I kill myself nothing changes, and the few people that notice when I die will move on and probably live better lives anyways. My gf is terrific but I am holding her down away from her dreams, and my parents hardly care if I am alive anyways. What am I worth? Why am I here? Creeping thoughts",Suicidal +10476,"Sorry big rant : So I have had depression for almost 6 years, or I would consider it depression I never had it diagnosed or anything but I have lost all motivation and attempted suicide a few times, I still self harm time to time when I feel really shitty but I have never really told anyone, the only people I have told have only also reflected how they have self harmed too and that their problems are worse than mine. I am 16, I have found better friends but I realized I am left out a lot, they have all been friends for years and I am new to their group, my depressions gotten better since I started recovering from my alopecia which I had since I was 8, but I feel as though my problems should not be even mentioned to them even though I know I need someone to talk to, their family issues are far worse than mine and whenever I mention something I am going through, they seem to ignore or brush it off, and whenever I support their problems I realize that they have it worse and I feel as though I should not talk to them about anything I am going through because it would only stress them more. I love them and they are good friends and so kind but I just think I am drowning alone I do not feel like my problems are as important",Suicidal +10477,"I guess this is just a vent. I feel like I have hit a new low. Every other time i felt depressive episodes hit the hardest, it was mostly situational. But for the last month and a half or so it hit me like a truck and nothing really terrible happened to trigger this. I feel like no ones really noticed and the ones i do tell just seem confused because I am not physically hurting myself, I am not crying all the time or lashing out like i normally do when it gets bad. But this is the worst I have felt in a long time. I do not even know why I am sad, and it turns into frustration and then anger and then hopelessness. One thing that maybe is not helping is my personal relationships. I am taking a break from romantic things as i had a failed talking stage fairly recently, and even though he and i only talked for a brief period of time and its been a while since i cut things off i cannot get over it. Its affected me way more than it should. I also feel like I am pushing my friends away without even trying. I am not myself right now and i know they can sense it. I do not think I am as fun to be around, if I ever even was. This is the first time I have been this alone. I feel like without a person to swoon over or focus on I am just an empty she will. I know i need to be alone and work on myself, but i feel so stuck. I feel horrible but i cannot cry, I cannot even express how i feel to people and i do not think anyone understands just how terribly hopeless this feeling is. Every single small inconvenience or mistake i make beats me down and i do not know how much more i can handle. I am becoming bitter, I do not even feel like I am myself anymore. I just want to get better and I am tired of hearing that I just need to go on a walk once a day and eat fruit and journal. I am tired of taking medicines that do not work. I know that there are things I can do to get better but i do not even know where to start. Its getting bad",Depression +10478,"I wake up everyday waste it to YouTube self loathing,junk food,masturbation and drugs I do not see a reason to work i want to make a change to the world but I think humanity fucked it beyond fixing and I am extremely introvert i hate being around people also ADHD I am stuck in a comfort zone my home my room money is running out and I will not be able to keep that pace 2 previous suicide attempts long time ago seeking attention from parents i have abusive parents father passed away two years ago left me with shitload of debts that i have to pay somehow a mentally disabled sister and my mother who is old and needs constant attention and i practically Have to be stuck next to her daily I only see two ways out either suicide or totally escape my toxic family who is never accepted me always felt like an outsider in my country i love traveling it is the only thing where I have felt alive i want to start clean somewhere where nobody knows me I am tired I am tired",Suicidal +10479,"I am 27m I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. My childhood was non existent, middle school and high school I was a loner, the only reason people invited me into their groups was because they knew my twin but they would not talk to me. One girl that I somewhat talked to, we had an inside joke that I did not have friends I had acquaintances because no one was really my friend. It was a joke at first but eventually it became real. College I dropped out of during my second year after failing so many classes I just decided school was not for me. But after dropping out I got a part time job and after a couple years I saved up some money and decided to quit I do not know why I just could not take it there anymore. I then moved back with my parents when Covid started but my depression got worse. I was lonely with no friends or anyone to talk to and I ended up texting my ex that I broke up with (to me she is the one that got away) at first it went great we were laughing and talking catching up but after awhile I think she just got more annoyed with me and I honestly never knew what I did wrong and she would never tell me which was never my intention. But I know it was stupid of me to text her, I just wanted to talk to her, catch up or something. I have never had a friend or really talked to anyone. Mostly since my social skills are terrible and people get bored of me quick. I tried to hide my loneliness by keeping myself busy with personal projects like keyboard building, reading and also decided to go back to school and learn programming because it looked interesting even though I have no knowledge about it. But honestly no matter how hard I try to keep myself busy I just end up feeling so down. I cannot even get out of bed sometimes. I just do not know what to do anymore. I feel like I am the problem, everyone says I am just being lazy that I just do not want to do anything and I am a bum. Are they right? Am I the problem or am I just depressed?",Depression +10480,einsten said you can not solve a problem with the same thinking used to to create a problem which is ocd hell no way outWhat should I do? please talk with meI have a nice family who loves me very much and I know I deserve it I am an emotional and nice person can not hurt anybody or anything.I graduated from college only studled my lessons.I had less severe intrusive thoughts then.Everybody dissapointed me.My intrusive thoughts are unique not just harm ocd or contamination or else. They are ingrained in my character. Maybe I am not ocd I am not sure now all doctors said ocd.I tried all medicines ssris and antipsychotics also anafranil. my thoughts do not make me anxious they make frustrated and hopeless. I got erp treatment but ut does not work a bit.I have 5 people: father mother brother a virtual girl friend and my grandmother.I thought my virtual friend understands me but we are different like opposite before we thought we are the same.Anyway I have chance to get brain surgery or called cingulotomy or electrocution therapy.What should I do broken non functional so sad.I just exist do not live and I am aware and it hurts a lot my family is sad and cries.What should I do I live in middle east no facilities only meds or dark hospitals without life. I am existing not living and mentally can not. I have nothing but my venting. theoritcally I can be helped you will say but reality nothing will be ok,Depression +10481,"Idk, I just feel like I need to say this, my mental state is going really really fucking fast downhill really fucking quickly. I have been struggling with this shit as long as I can remember, and I honestly can barely take it anymore. I have no clue why I have let myself live so long.my mental health is beyond shit, cronic depression or whatever the fuck it is. My social life, the only thing in life I have been clinging on to the past year, is also beyond shit. All of the friends I thought were my friends all ghosted me at once over the summer, even ones who promised me they would not ghost me like they always do. My home life is fucking chaotic and it only makes things several several times worse, believe it or not I am having some struggles when it comes to just being able to cope with the fucking abuse that gets thrown at me, like my therapist wants me to do. My physical health is the same, idk if I was just born different or whatever but my body's just fucked up. I am always in constant pain no matter what I do and it is just becoming too much to handle, you know, to the point of thinking death would be better than this.I can go on and on complaining about this shit, but apparently it is bad enough that I have been told to kms. Because it would put me out of my misery- not to be mean or anything. Yeah-Last time I was in the mental hospital for wanting to commit die, after kind of ranting about my home life my roommate was telling me that if I wanted to kill myself, they would support me fully.I have literally heard someone have a full on MENTAL BREAKDOWN because they thought that trying to convince me to not kill myself was selfish. Because they felt horrible for just making me suffer longer, and did not know if dying would just be the best option for me.I have shared these thoughts with people close to me and it usually ends with them giving up on me. I cannot count the amount of times I have heard stuff like this.Tell me death would not be the solution to all my problems. Tell me ending my life would not be by far the most effective way of no longer suffering, and fixing my problems. Tell me. I cannot count the amount of times I have been told to kill myself. No, not by bullies, but by people who care about me.",Suicidal +10482,In the worst place I have ever been in my life and i have nobody to ask for help and do not know what to do.Can anyone talk to me please ? Rock bottom,Suicidal +10483,I cannot get better anways. I am always painted as the bad person. I guilt trip people into spending time with me. No one really wants to do anything with me. I am just that pathetic and people pity me. should not bad people not exist? That way maybe the people around me would be happier. I cannot controbute to anyone's happiness. All I do is bring the mood down and be so fucking stupid. Bad person,Depression +10484,"This has been the worst fucking year of my life. Fucking 34 years on this planet and nothing takes the fucking cake like this. No friends to vent to, anxiety rushing through my head, ocd replaying the same fucking convos repeatedly. I cannot deal with all of this heartache. I lose my two year relationship. My family splits apart. Me and my girls rebuild. Meets another girl she breaks our heart. And yoyos it back and forth for months as we wait first one comes back and we give her a chance. She leaves us again. Second girl comes back and continues toying with being committed. I lose my shit and had enough of the games and leaves. Meet another woman she seems great but taken. Refuses to leave her dead end relationship for us and prefers to cheat. that is not for us. Meet another woman like her alot but we agree it would not work. Person we dated before wants to hang out nothing serious (yay...). Met an amazing woman but she is not sure if she wants to be with us. Second girl comes back again. And says sorry. Then tonight confesses the guy friend I warned her about and she was foul for taking his number in the first place when she never took others which itself is a red flag, well they while she is been gone for this month have been dating and making out etc. But yet confesses her love and wants to be with us. Says it is not a big deal but refuses to lose him. Yet says it is just fun while she is on her journey until she is ready to settle. I am not ok with that. Fuck that shit.My mother is possibly dying too.My girls are sick and struggling to support me emotionally. They are pretty much numb to all of this. They hide their feelings well. But I can tell their hurt also. Our son is sick.I am back to self harm.I am getting addicted to weed again as I self medicate daily to try and keep functioning.I am bursting at the seams and want to fucking die. I promised myself I would not get back to a suicidal place but yup I am here. Daddy's home. I swear I am going to fucking do it. I am so much over all of this pain and heartache. All of this grief and strife. I am done with it. I want to fucking jump in the river and drown. I cannot keep going another day like this. No friends to talk to, no family to talk to, and the girls cannot emotionally be there as they are not those types of individuals to know how to adequately be there for someone with my level of depression. Yay..I swear this is going to finally be it. I swear to fucking god imma do it.",Suicidal +10485,"i used to be interesting, still depressed but i think people actually liked me. if i just could have gone back a few months maybe i could have actually made myself happy I am changing",Suicidal +10486,"Sooner than I thought, thank fuck. Deathclock says I should die around 2050",Depression +10487,"I want to eventually do it with just opiates the idea of falling asleep, painless and leaving is.... I am in love with that idea. I have tried countless times and failed, cutting, jumped in a river, took shit ton of aspirin lol, even tried a hair dryer in the bathtub b.s... nothing. this was all in a span of 13 years, one day ill buy enough 30 mg oxy and finally take my leave, I feel like 100 pills should do it. I will soon enough be free.",Suicidal +10488,"I grew up in a very abusive household, and my friends also hPpened to be physically and emotionally abusive narcissists. So when i was 15, my father saw i had a few cuts on my arms and his response was to yell, ""wtf is that. (I replied with, ""stress"".) *he then gets right into my face*... STRESSED, I am THE ONE that is STRESSED. I WORK ALL DAY, I HAVE 3 DIFFERENT BUISNESSES I DEAL WITH. IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, you will FUCKEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS"".Since i was a child he is been training me everyday since i was a kid id go to wwork with him, untill i started school. Then it was jist the summmers. And then it was weekends and summers by the time i was 12. I jad become severely overweight and only haad 2 physically and emotionally abusive friends. By the time i was 14, i was essentially running one of the buisnesses myself. Yet he acts like i have all this fucken free time to do everything he needs when I am trying to have my own life. He goes, ""you can do whatever you want"" but then also forces me to work under him, and underpays me when he finally made me become an employee since we were lacking manpower at the time. Anything I have ever said was ignored, constantly belittling. All i feel is emptiness at this point. And finally realizing that my friend was a fucking sociopathic rapist. I mean i always new he was a bad person but i never fully understood. I have a very child like, bubbly personality ehich was just ripe for abuse i guess. I may have bpd, i need to see a therapist but i really just want to give up on life. Idk. I am 24 now. I finally kicked out the toxic ppl in my life after starting to find my voice but I am still stuck with my father because of work and while it seems like hes trying. It also seems fake whenever there is an actual problem he reverts back. The amount of gaslighting, manipulation, scapegoating, belittling, bullying I have taken. I have so many stupid storys like being ditched, hit, picked on, played with by friends and family. And all i did was take it because that is all I have ever done. And i was yelled at otherwise. For fuxks sake, I have been ditched at a piehole pizza because i had the keys and my friend had the food, i went to unlock my door, he saw and rushed at my with his fist in the air ready to punch me, i flinched and tossed the keys over his head. It fell and broke this plastic compass his father got him. His mom and dad divorced. because from what he told me, he was an alcoholic. But they still see eachother alot. And seem to have a good relationship. Idk. My friends never really told me anything about their lives. But it broke and he freaked out, got in the car and drove off. I yelled for my cigarettes My fathers response to the cuts on my arm was to threaten me",Depression +10489,"I have been struggling with depression for over 11 years now. I hate myself. No matter how many times my family, friends, and gf tell me that I am loved and worth it, I know that none of it is true and that I am worthless. Every night, I pray that I do not wake up the next day. No one would be sad or care if I was dead. Some times, I wish I had not survived my suicide attempt last year. But, here I am still hating myself and doing everything possible to sabotage myself and my body. Maybe one day my prayers will be answered. I hate myself",Depression +10490,"I was abused by my adoptive father growing up, He died, Then I married into an abusive family, luckily got out of that. Recently I have tried to know my biological family, but my mother ran away as a teen and no one cared to look for her. She is now is deceased and my bio father will not respond to me. I am not looking for sympathy, I have just never felt so alone in my life. I love my husband and children and am so grateful for them, but there is just this hole in me. I want to know what happened to my mother. From what I have heard about her, she just had a very sad life. I think about her often, and I hope she feels that, wherever she is. No one I know cares, I just need someone to talk to. Can anyone please talk to me?",Depression +10491,"I found the spot I want to jump from. It will take me approximately 3.36 seconds to hit the water. I hope I pass out before I do. It sounds painful, the act of hitting the water. I have read, over and over, the two ways of dying after jumping. Sometimes it makes me feel nauseous, sometimes it brings peace to imagine my body breaking up like that, like a final definitive proof of my existence. I must have been real, because how can imaginary bones pierce imaginary organs? A body will be pulled from the sea. A body that once belonged to me. And I will be gone. I drove out to the bridge last night.",Suicidal +10492,"I know how my life ends: I end it. I just do not know when, I do not know how, and I am pretty sure I know why. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how much work I put in, I am not enough. It does not matter if I have money, if I have an amazing job I love, if I am funny, if I am smart, if I am kind. It does not matter how much love I have to give, how much effort I put in, or how far Id go just to feel what its like to have love reciprocated. I am tired of reaching out to people who I know will not miss me, or will just tell me I need to take meds just so they do not have to deal with me. I could do everything perfectly and to everyone I have ever loved, they would still ask for more and go off with someone else anyways. Death can end this sorry excuse for an existence. I do not care if it gets better. I do not care if there is nothing after, and I do not care the irreversible damage my death will because. I want it. I want it now more than I have wanted anything in my whole life. More than travel, more than money, more than love. I simply want it to end because its become abundantly clear I am not of value to anyone and never will be. I just want it to end. The torment, the pain. The emptiness, the silence. All of it. there will be a smile on my face when they find me, because the only peace I can have left in this life is knowing that its finally over, that I can rest. I know how my life ends",Depression +10493,I was in shock especially because hes seen me have so many highs and lows since we have been dating. I told him we need to talk about this tomorrow because I am at a loss for words Partner of almost a year just said he thinks that once you take medication for depression you are cured,Depression +10494,"I am only 13 I know you say I am too young to be wanting to commit suicide but that is not what it is, no one wants to listen to me and everytime i try to express my feelings, my family gets mad. I cannot live with this stress inside of me. I want to live but I do not want to die, you know ? I am going to kill myself but I know its a 50/50 of dying or surviving. cannot really do it anymore",Suicidal +10495,"It are not the hard times, it are not the all nights, it are not that easy, cuz it are not the whiskey that is killing me. So what do you got for this empty spot inside of me? A deep dark hole where love used to be? Gary Allan said it best. It are not the Whiskey",Depression +10496,"I am 16 and this happened when i was 13. this girl invited me over to her house and we had already had sex several times before. i think she said to me that she did not feel like having sex but in my mind i saw it as an opportunity for sex because i was an asshole. when i came over to her house I layed on her bed and we began cuddling. i asked her ""hey want to have sex"" about 3 times in the span of an hour so i was being persistent. i was not using force or threats or anything. after the 3rd time she rejected me i then said to her ""I will go slow"" and she then responded with ""alright sure"". i was not sure if she was bothered or not I am not sure. she then layed down and i then went inside of her and it felt good, so i started to go faster and faster and she sounded like she was enjoying it. why was i starting to go faster? I am not sure honestly but my intent definitely was not bad I did not want to harm her. i guess i just started to go faster because of how good it felt and i was really horny. well anyways 15 seconds after the sex started she told me to stop and i did right away. as soon as i heard her say it i stopped it. she then said that she was sorry for ending it early and she said she was just worried about getting pregnant and I told her its fine. we then hung out for like 20 minutes and then i left. i feel like i will always be a bad person no matter what. i really wish i never met this girl so i would not of done what i did. a year after she told me that she had sex with 9 other guys and that those guys dicks were bigger than mine am i a rapist",Depression +10497,"I have been struggling for 5 years with insecurities, anxiety, emptiness, and depression. I barely have no one to talk to. Friends will not even check up on me and my family knows close to none about me. Thinking of yeeting myself.",Depression +10498,I probably just found anothet way of self harm Uhmm I am think I am not actually suicidal,Suicidal +10499,"So I really screwed up a chunk of my life. From 19-23 I isolated in my room. Its the cold truth, and I am real ashamed about it. I cut off all my friends and only talked to the most toxic group in my life, a bunch of older guys I played COD with who Id been trying to impress, but always got made fun of and singled out. I only stayed because it was interaction with the safety of being online.Well I went out and challenged my anxiety, got a job at a grocery store, and things are getting better again. The only problem is, after all those years of self loathing, I get a lot of are you okay? Or Lighten up. Or Something bothering you?, when everything really is fine, and I am just going about my day. So, has anyone found a way to get passed this? How to get rid of resting depressed face?",Depression +10500,"I have always hated myself and who I am. Every night, I pray that I do not wake up the next morning. Sometimes, I wish that I had not survived my suicide attempt last year. I wish that I had just died then. But, here I am. Still living and hating myself each and everyday. I have no respect for myself. I hate myself. I hate everything about me",Suicidal +10501,"Tired, lost will, sometimesNo memes for meI do not see the world actually This life",Depression +10502,"it is been a while since I really enjoyed or took pleasure in things. Video games were just a distraction, fucking is just a routine etc.I cannot comprehend how everyone keeps going to work and spending the majority of their time doing something they hate. Working overtime to save up for that nice new car you can drive back to work with. Paying interest, maintenance and fuel so we can go to work. I know there is people out there starving who would do anything for shelter and food and I know I am incredibly fortunate relatively speaking.I am trying to make thing easier for my wife, getting our house ready for sale. Selling other non essentials. I think that is the only purpose I really feel I have in life at the moment. Not to leave her in a shitty situation.I have tried the recommended treatments but I guess deep down I do not see any point pushing on really. Maybe I do not want to get better because I think the normal life is boring. I would love to skip to retirement but then you have to see your loved ones get sick and die, which would be terrible, I would lose my mind as I do occassionally when work makes me anxious.I hope whatever the afterlife is it is better. I think it would be better even if you just slept forever. Not even sad, just not interested.",Depression +10503,"I do not have that anymore. I am all alone. The world I live in is hell. I cannot even sleep anymore and that was the only peace I would get. Why does it have to be this way? The grief I am going through is unbearable. it is tiring, it is exhausting. I want a time machine, so this pain can go away... I am on the edge. I just want someone I love to acknowledge me, to make me feel whole again. What does feeling whole feel like? I have forgotten this feeling. I want it back. Unconditional love",Depression +10504,Last words here if I do not make it. Keep strong guys you can survive this. I am very proud of you all. Goodnight A shot and some pills,Depression +10505,"I have been depressed for a while, always thinking about suicide and considering it and imaging ways I would do it but I was always to scared to try, for a few months I was doing good, still depressed but I was not actively considering suicide I would think about it but I was planning my future too, thinking about what next year would be like and what I would do after high school but that all turned to shit and I tried to kms yesterday, it did not work, I had taken a bunch of pills but I just woke up and then I went to work and no one knows. And I am actually scared I have never gone so far as to try to die I have wanted to but been to scared but I actually want to die now and its never been like this Idk I am just scared and I have no one to talk to and I do not want to keep living like this or living at all. And ik compared to others like my problems barely compare, I want to die and I am scared",Suicidal +10506,This is what a family member said to me today. My posts here are usually pretty long but I feel so empty that I cannot even be mad. I feel so invalidated. Stop talking about how life sucks. you are blessed & should be grateful.,Depression +10507,"Hey r/depression. Back to vent here once again. I went through a stretch where I have been doing better at handling my emotions via a few methods like taking a quick second to think of 5 things I can see, 4 I can hear, etc. (its crazy how much that is helped me in day to day life), but I have recently fallen back into patterns of negative thinking that are becoming increasingly debilitating. Whenever I am talking in a large group of people, a good example of this kind of situation would be eating dinner with coworkers, friends, etc., I find myself fading. I think the proper term for this phenomenon I am trying to describe is depersonalization, but I find that fading describes the feeling much more accurately. Ill be talking with someone one second and the next its like I have become more focused on my thoughts than the conversation and thus stop processing the words I am hearing, like I am just zoning out. Big deal right? Everyone does that. The strange part is that I am not even thinking when I fade, I just feel numb. The words I hear start sounding like a foreign language and I have existential feeling as if I am playing a game and the person in front of me does not actually exist. Everything just turns to shapes and noise. Like the world around me is literally blurring and fading away in front of me. Its hard to describe, but there is almost a feeling of fear that washes over me when I fade. Its scary to feel and recognize yourself slipping away. Eventually I just come back and ask the person I am with what they just said to me, but its very jarring whenever this randomly happens. (I say random, but these fading events are usually preceded by negative thoughts) It all just feels fuzzy.",Depression +10508,It feels like my soul have already left my body and all there is left is an empty piece of meat.This have been so long that I think this illness have caused permanent cognitive and emotional damage to me.I just want to feel something again... F*ck numbness,Depression +10509,"I was always a good person. I never did anything wrong. Always was the nerd in class, good grades and all. My family had money, great life, future was bright. Well, I could not find a job after I graduated, even with all my good grades and all the courses I did in my life. I am a lawyer compliance analyst in Brazil. With specialization and all. But the country is in shit. that is not the only problem though. it is been more than 5 years that I graduated. I was not able to find anything. And... 5 years ago, my world, my mother, was diagnosed with cancer. Now, she is in really bad shape. My father is nuts, angry about everything he sees, and my sister is crazy (literally), diagnosed with a lot of mental problems and have a lot of of problems with drugs. I do not even drink alcohol. Never did. I have a great girlfriend, that I love a lot. But I do not see a future for me. Not here. Not this way. And I cannot make myself change this situation. it is dawn hard, and there is not much I could do. So, I decided to kill myself after my mother dies and that will be it. I think it will be better for everyone. I do not want my other sister spending her hard earned money keeping me alive, or to live in this empty house with my dad screaming at everything. Why is it so hard to find a job? I worked in my curriculum in my entire life for nothing, because I do not have contacts. No one wants to hire a guy without experience with my age (27). And seriously, I do not want to live a life in this country, they pay you 1100 reais per month for a 10 hours per day job or more (it is never 8 hours). And you cannot buy shit. A new car is 45000 reais. 600 reais for month just to eat basic things. 5000 reais a PS5. Dude, this is not a life. it is slavery. You literally work, sleep and work again. Eating badly, not having time to do shit. Why would someone spend a life like that? that is no life. But what else could I do? I thought about going to Canada, start again there, but do what? I do not know! Well... Sorry about telling you all this. it is just a hard situation that I do not see a happy ending. I decided to kill myself, and I need someone to change my mind.",Suicidal +10510,"It all feels so dark right now, not even for lack of hope. I have so many things to look forward to.But none of it seems worthwhile, I feel so isolated and alone. I am scared, and tired, and uninspired. I just want to disappear.I do not know how to say I am struggling again. I do not Know How to Tell My Loved Ones I am Suicidal Again",Suicidal +10511,"Long story short. I had/have an alcohol addiction that led to my now ex breaking up with me last month (June). over the last 7 months leading up to the break up I quit drinking, entered therapy and started taking medication because I did love her and wanted to be better for her. She always asked if I hated her which was never true. I loved her more than I can describe and constantly questioned myself about why I was actively pushing her away. I could not stop myself. the truth was that I never hated her its that I hated that she loved me which I will never understand. During the month of the breakup (June)I started and quit a job that I actually enjoyed due to two very toxic old men who were miserable and bitter. I sent one of them a nasty text due to his petty response to me quitting. I woke up the next day after quitting the job only to find out my now ex is seeing someone else which led me to wonder if she had been fucking this guy every time she went out of state to visit her grandmother. she would visit her grandmother out of state every six months or so. I had doubts (trust issues) but doubts remain doubts unless there is evidence. I managed to find a new job within a day of all of this happening and quit that job tonight after my very first shift because I did not think Id be a good fit I tried to trick myself in to thinking I am changing or becoming a better version of myself but the truth is that I feel more lost than ever. I have told women in the past I loved them but I did not really love them. I just did not want to be lonely and relied on them to make me happy since could not find it within myself. I met my now ex and was head over heels. I wanted to be better for her and for myself. I just could not trust her or allow myself to be vulnerable. I know I have been depressed due to my lack of interest in wanting to do anything, sleeping more, eating less. I feel myself shutting down emotionally but I am trying to fight it off and I am losing. Being sober has been difficult for me because I have to confront all of the shit I actively ignored for the last 2 decades and I do not know how to handle it. I wake up everyday wishing I died in my sleep.As much as I want to end it I am too afraid of death but I am also scared of living. I feel like a broken watch stuck on the time doomed to repeat the same mistakes. I have no purpose, no drive, no hope, no faith. I feel broken and I do not know what to do. I feel like a monster. I feel I deserve to be punished for everything I have ever done and everything I did not do. I have no friends, no partner who I can wake up next to every day and no future. Karma has a way of showing you who you are. I feel like my only purpose in life is to project my self hatred and anger on to others and I hurt them because of it. So what is the point? I feel defeated, weak, unable to succeed or be normal.",Depression +10512,Pretty much given my all to someone time and time again but every time she breaks me heart but then comes begging for me back. And its broken me I do not feel like I am enough anymore I have lost my self worth and confidence and I do not understand why someone would do this to me. I could never hurt her like she is continually doing to me and I just want the pain to end now Feel like a burden,Suicidal +10513,"I am relapsing into my eating disorder again, and all the things i pushed aside and thought i did not hate about myself anymore are coming back. i feel like shit i thought i was getting better",Suicidal +10514,"I am sure other people have this experience too but I will toss it out there. Who else is genuinely surprised they are not dead yet? I have been sick as a dog with no hope of ever getting better since I was 23 (I am 30 now). I spend pretty much all day every day fantasizing about ending it. I have not mainly because I am not a fan of any of the methods I have available to me, feel like it would disrupt the life of my family, and honestly I am not sure I have the emotional energy to build up to it anymore. But I am still kind of low-level shocked it has not happened yet. Odd place to find oneself. kind of surprised I am not dead yet",Suicidal +10515,I have been depressed for years fresh out of rehab three weeks to four weeks ago off meds because they because weight gain and I hate that and I let my anger out on my dog on accident because its 2 am well 2:44 am and he barking and ImDealing with ocd and anxiety and just feelings I do not feel if that make sense snd it happened so quick and I feel like I am falling apart all over again I feel so guilty and ashamed of it and it bothers me that my anger is still there the violent part . I recognize it andStopped my self before causing any damage but I felt soGuilt and was so rough and mean . I almost choked my dog because my anger is so damn bad still but I stopped the moment it happened and I hate my self . Anger,Depression +10516,"Long story short I was previously accepted into a combined PA program and the year before I entered my didactic year I had a mental break. I drank a lot and during one episode I cut my forearms to the point where I still have scars 4 years later. My best friend at the time was an RA and at this time had to report me since at the time I threatened anybody attempting to stop my attempt with a knife. Flash forward a year later after my dismissal from the program and gaining my undergrad in health science and another PA program accepts me. It was hard and near the end of my didactic year I ended up hospitalized and losing a week of my rotation in womens health. I ended up having to redo my rotation and passed during the summer semester. But I passed my didactic and clinical year. I have a degree that nobody could ever take from me. I passed.But low and behold the F for womens health shows up on my transcript. Granted, it shows I passed after my second attempt but my parents are still disappointed in me.I tried emailing, calling, petitioning, doing whatever I can to get that F off my transcript knowing its not going to effect anything, just to make sure that I did the best I can.I completed the PANCE today. Basically its a national exams for To-be-PAs to pass. But at this point I do not even care if I pass. Nothing I do will please anybody and I sacrificed my life for this. I spent so much time and sacrificed so much just to get this fucking license that I do not even care about anymore. Death makes life decisions significantly easier to make. Hard to overthink with a handgun in your mouth and a bullet in your brain I will never be good enough",Suicidal +10517,"Hi team, I have been taking Citalopram 20mg for 11 years, was put on it when I was 18. I have been told I have to come off it to have kids and I want to come off it anyway because it is been 11 years and I am sick of taking it. I believe I am fully over my depression and anxiety bar huge life events but I am terrified of going off this because I have heard withdrawal can be bloody awful. Has anyone come off 20mg of Citalopram? Was it as awful as I am imagining it? About to come off an SSRI after 11 years",Depression +10518,"I have tried everything I like to do and it just does not seem to work. Ever since my mom's passing and my girlfriend not being able to love me anymore really makes me question if any of it is worth anymore, if it is worth it to keep going. I do not want to let my friends down or make them feel guilty or sad and I feel conflicted. I only get average grades in school and I do not see much of a future for myself. I feel like I do not have much else to look forward to.",Suicidal +10519,"Please do not remove, I am just really desperate. I tied a rope to one side and put it over the door. I am not planning on putting all my weight on it. Obviously I really want this to work and I do not want to mess this up How secure is a doorknob in hanging myself?",Suicidal +10520,But the medical industry i.e. the psychologist and psychiatrist thrive off this because it gives men purpose and it is designed to control the population so we do not engage in the act of reproduction.Pick your poison money or god - eventually both sides will steal your hard work because both sides are great at stealing but not good at creating original ideas because they have killed off their feelings by either doing drugs or smoking. Depression realism is a thing,Depression +10521,I have had a really lonely day and its been hard and i just want to talk to someone. Please? Can i just tell someone how my day was?,Suicidal +10522,"My life is just crashing down around me and i cannot help but think how easy it would be to just end everything. I am tired of the pain, and the stress. No one wants me around, and I have no where to go. I am just trapped in my current situation, and I do not know how to change it. No way out",Suicidal +10523,"I am a fucked up person. I am hammered from vodka and I have a knife with me right nowLife fucking sucks I feel like I do not belong anywhere I have horrible anxiety, self hate and ruthless depressionI should have appreciated certain people who were close to me more when they were alive I love my family and I regret being so cruel to my brother who would never hurt anybody My God I hate myself so much for that I want to do it",Suicidal +10524,"So, y'know what a softlock is, right? Well, that is where I am at in life.I cannot even do the simplest of tasks at school, I do not know what I am going to do professionally in the future, I cannot even pick a career path because I am lost of what I want to do etc.I am going to end up homeless any day now, and now I am crying like the pussy I am. I am a waste of a fucking human being. I will never amount to anything, all I can do is wait until the day comes when my parents kick me out of the house. I will die on the streets, with no one to remember me.I cannot move forward and I cannot go back. I am stuck in an endless emotional cycle, waiting until the day I die. Is this hell? Is this purgatory? Where am I in life? I am so distraught and confused. I have practically soft-locked my life.",Depression +10525,"I have suffered more than is bearable, and it is mostly the result of my own terrible choices. Granted there were things beyond my control, but all in all I had a very good and privileged childhood, with a lot of love. There is mental illness and addiction in my family tree, my parents were both abused as children, and although they did the best with what they have I began to show symptoms of deep depression and anxiety as an adolescent. I started to experiment with drugs and drinking, and I never stopped (33 now). I am not sure which came first, the addiction or the emotional problems, but they seemed to work in tandem. I have lost everything there is to lose but my life, which is also in jeopardy due to a stroke and possible anurysm (I do not know, because doctors have been unable to diagnose me, but I pretty much know that is what is going on). Every relationship I have had has failed due to my addiction and being a terrible partner. I have not hardly touched another person in five years. I am drinking a six pack a day and using opiates. I cannot help but think of what my life could have been had I not gotten sick, had I not have into the narrative in my mind that I am inadequate and a terrible person. I cannot blame my mother for how she raised me, she was remarkably together considering the unbelievable abuse she suffered from her mentally ill mother. it is just the luck of the draw I guess, but I cannot shake the feeling that my pathetic life was my own creation (it was) and that it is not going to get better. What would make me think it is just somehow going to improve? I cannot be myself around people, I am so anxious I can barely speak and when I do it is just faking having a personality. I have no soul or integrity. I cannot even control my own behavior or stop drinking. And now my health is failing as a result. I do not think I will make it frankly but I am so afraid of the pain it would because my family that I cannot bear to go through with it. Alcoholism and opiate addiction, borderline personality disorder, and living with neurological problems resulting from a stroke and unruptured aynurism.",Suicidal +10526,"My life sucks, and I cannot imagine it changing for the better. I hate where I live, I do not feel welcome here. My family look at me like I am a burden they need to get rid of. I do not know what I am doing with my life, I do not have money and I do not know what I am doing with work and school. I feel like I am a waste of space who is never going to accomplish anything. I just want things to be different, I do not want to be here anymore Feeling like there is no way out",Depression +10527,"**obvious tw// for self harm talk**did not really know where to put this so sorry if this does not belong on the sub...but lately, like within the week, I have been getting self harm urges? its my first time ever experiencing this and i have no idea why? my depression is not at its worst...like rn I am mostly numb actually. but for some reason i just got this urge to try cutting my wrist the other day. and it has not really left me...it gets esp bad whenever I am in the bathroom or kitchen. I am just thinking abt all the tools i can use and I have come so close to trying.i feel kind of self-conscious?? like i know it is not this way but in my head this is problems for teenagers or like middle schoolers? i feel ""too old"" to be doing it for the first time if that makes any sensebut idk I am a lil scared i might start...anyways idk where I am really going with this...i guess I am just more so confused as to why i suddenly got this urge outta nowhere. first time self harm urges",Depression +10528,It starts in one month and I cannot make it another year. I am am very much considering killing myself before I have to go back. Theirs a few more things I want to do before I die tho. School,Suicidal +10529,"I am a joke and at this point its an open secret. no one in my field takes me seriously, I am constantly unfulfilled. my friends treat me like shit, especially since i came out, and i have no one to talk to. i cannot kill myself because i have people that rely on me but goddamn if i could i would.idk why I am even writing this its just a stream of consciousness at this point but i hate everything and i hate myself the most. i sit back and watch actually good people flourish and every day i struggle to get out of bed. there is so many people i like so much but I am not even near good enough for them and i hate it. even the person I am head over heels for. they know how i feel but yet i still have to be there for them and encourage them to pursue the one they really love.thanks for reading i guess. maybe at some point ill actually be able to go through with it, which would be nice. you think if i killed myself people would actually take me seriously?",Suicidal +10530,"I am going through my 1st divorce. I love this girl so much and I tried so hard for us. But after 8 months of her not trying, accusing me of cheating and not trusting me doing anything. She took my whole support chain away from me. I was not allowed to go anywhere because she thought I would cheat on her and if she was there with me she still did not trust me. I tried talking to her and asking her to try but she never did. I finally gave her the choice of let us get help or we are done. She said bye. It crushed me and now when I am sitting by myself in the place I called home drinking to ease the pain and no one is here it hurts. I do not know what to do. I have asked people to hang out but nothing. I do not know why I am writing all of this here but it is all I have now. I have had a few talks with people when this first happened but now that it has been more that a week they all left me. Some told me I should just sleep around and forget her others said I should just focus on myself. But everything is numb. it is hard to think straight sober. What should I do? I so confused. Why is there no one there when you need it the most?",Depression +10531,"Frankly people that ask me to do shit are the fucking worst. I did not even ask to be here to begin with, so leave me the fuck alone and just be glad I am alive.My friend of the muslim faith was telling me how suicide is stupid, and what the punishment is if I do it... and just frankly, it is just fucking awful. Why is God considered ""merciful"", yet he ""gifts"" you with crippling autism, basically STOPPING me from doing anything remotely useful and being a fucking wreck, and if you kill yourself, you get fucking punished to eternal damnation. that is like, the opposite of merciful. ""do not be selfish""",Suicidal +10532,I feel bad for her that there is a non zero chance she will be coping with the same thing within five years. My mom said the other day she does not know how parents of children who take their own life cope.,Suicidal +10533,"Now its a very complicated issue or question I need help with and also my English sucks,I start saying shit abt my english,so other people do not shame me for that.so the thing is I found some things about some people and I want their family to know abt it but I do not want to say what I found out,the post will get too long unnecessarily,which is anyway long.so the thing is the only way I can do is by telling my mom to tell her sister abt it but the problem is I do not want my name to come out bcs I stalked theirs FB and ig,now do not ask why,just did it and found some shocking things and I really want them to find it out without them knowing that its all me bcs I do not want them to talk Shit abt me but now the problem is if my mom says to her sister she found it,then the sister will doubt bcs my mom do not do fb,ig,so even if my mom lies abt it that she went to fb,ig just like that and find it,then her sister can doubt.so i want to is there anyway to successful ly do it,without my name coming out and her sisters do not even doubting her at all,its imp,pls help me. Need help",Suicidal +10534,"I suffer from Generalized anxiety disorder, ""slight depression"" (as dubbed by my pediatrician, I just have higher expectations of this), and what I think to be neurosis or maybe even ADHD or some random ass compulsive disorder my family is aware of but I am not.I am driven and infatuated by what is in my stupid-ass brain. I valued and still to an extent still value my intellect over and above other things and factors of my being which now I do not say is good and healthy. I once had a prolonged period of heightened self conscious awareness where I felt like I was the one in controll of my thoughts even when I was just being an asshole narcissist that went as far to screw up my brain chemistry and composition from all of the stress and anxiety I subjected myself to (which is funny because I had hypochondria of getting brain damage or neurological damages and it still probably happened). Now that the feelings I felt during that time are gone, and I wanted them back for a while, I questioned and interrogated myself, my family, and my morals all for the feelings of being superior again cognitively. Now, about 5 months after this. I feel some of the same indifferences and feeling I had then, but I feel like my day is just learning something, trying to apply the knowledge, fail, then realize I am stupid again. My realization that I cannot go back to those addicting tendencies because I am limited on my intelligence has made me realize I am not smart and that I am a retard. I remember when I could easily think, then say. Now it is, think, say awkwardly, think again, then say it in a idiotic way. I need help because everything I am repeating I have thought of before and I am just in an endless dilemma of questioning reality in a way that I feel is not noticable enough to put into verbal words because I have most likely developed aphasia. Help I am probably just stupid, I am not certain anymore.",Depression +10535,"well the asking for my bf too put his game dawn is selfush***\[*****10:31 PM*****\]***in his worlds***\[*****10:33 PM*****\]***""It is not really fine to have the feeling for being here for you all time. I have my own things to do, I love to play games and so, but I cannot really do this because you are getting whiny about this and bagging me to stay here just for you. Sorry to say this, but this is pretty shitty and also selfish, specially when you do this during your night time. I... do not like this... really"" for one YOU FUCKING PLAY ALL DAY AND DO IT ANYWAY SORRYY I WNT TO SPEND THE JUST 3-4 HOURS WE HAVE TELL YOU GO TO bED WITH YOU CUZ WHEN SCHOOL STARTS I WONTBE HERRE AT ALL IN THE WEEK SO Fuck YOU i just want the rest of my summer with you cuz fter this wewont have anytime together ...well what ever I am in the wrong..Like allways***\[*****10:35 PM*****\]***and 2ed You never ask ab me or how i feel its just me asking you ffs FUCKING Hell***\[*****10:37 PM*****\]***i love you to hell but wtf...I am so sad and you do not even FUCKING CARE***\[*****10:38 PM*****\]***YOU do not FEEL BAD I say ""my mom justhit me again i have a bloody nose"" and all you can say is ""x.x""***\[*****10:38 PM*****\]***like...wtf..well in his words""Your ""need of attention"" sometimes, specially when you are sleepy, its awful x.x""all i..ask is for some attention.. i have ADHD wich when left alone for so long can make me sad and make me want to kill my self..so i become attention neededy i do not know how...this is so awful bur would he rather i kill my self or become a sad ball of nothing who will not respond or talk FFS I am becomeing mute do to not talking to ppl he is the last one i want to talk to and now he will not even call so I am talking less and less***\[*****10:52 PM*****\]***let us see how meany days i well be off line and he will not even shot a DMlike...***\[*****11:00 PM*****\]***more from him***\[*****11:00 PM*****\]***""I hate this feeling you are giving me sometimes. Its... stress, a lot of stress. Ans I do not want this whining all the time I mean, when I am telling you that I am doing something else atm""***\[*****11:01 PM*****\]***that is how asking for some 1 on 1 time is bad fuck fuck FUCK",Suicidal +10536,"I am constantly crying myself to sleep over the pain of not being able to kill myself. I do not have a horrible life but it feels so routine and its exhausting. I find myself wanting to just end things because its just SO MUCH easier. But every time I have thoughts of suicide I just think about how my mom already lost one son and her husband, I cannot put her though that again. I cannot hurt my family and friends that I know care for me but I just do not feel close to them anymore. I feel like the affection or compassion I show towards them are fake. All my emotions I show them feel so forced. I cannot even say I love you to my family without cringing. I just want to rest peacefully and the thoughts of hurting the people around pain me. How is that fair! Its not their life, its mine. I should be able to do what I want. Its selfish that people want me to say alive because they will miss me. This constantly battle of wanting to die but I cannot kill myself hurts and I just bottle it up until it all comes out in tears and I am just left sleeping of exhaustion.I have never attempted to kill myself but I am afraid one day, probably when my mom goes, Ill end up doing it. And I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone because I can never be so open with anyone, not my family and not even my girlfriend to an extent. Maybe I should try therapy but every experience I hear from people is horrible. So I am just forced to sleep it off and when I am asleep it all just goes awaythe pain, the exhaustion, the pressure. Its the best feeling in the world. The best drug. I just cannot stop crying",Suicidal +10537,"I feel genuinely fortunate to actually have friends and family that care about me, but i also struggle with the idea that they do not really want me around. That I am only burdening them. And it just makes me wonder if i were to die, would they be upset? How long would it take them to forget about me? they are the only things keeping me here, but it also hurts feeling like they do not actually like me. I feel like if i end it, Id be doing them a huge favor.I have been having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks within the last 6+ months (i used to only get them around once a month, but lately its been more than once a week) and i feel like with my problems building, I am just disappointing everyone around me. I thought getting a new job would help, but now I am dealing with the fact that i do not have anyone I am close with at work and having to learn new things and the anxiety of messing up and its been making everything worse. My other job was god awful with stress, i would put in lots of overtime and we were very short staffed constantly, and as an ASM, i had a lot of pressure on me to get things done and right 100% of the time. The only thing that kept me around there was the fact that i got along with everyone. My boss was someone i genuinely looked up to as a person and as a professional. Now at my new job, i found out one of my bosses is the least liked in the store, so now I am dealing with the anxiety that I am going to disappoint her and she is going to have it out for me eventually. I am already a timid person naturally and putting in the effort to make friends at work is so hard, especially when everyone seems so closed off. And I am awkward as hell on top of that. And now i feel like my personal relationships are deteriorating because the anxiety and stress work is causing is exhausting me from even making an effort anymore.I just really hate how we have to work to survive and i do not even want to survive. I cannot be unemployed because i have bills but the stress from working is literally eating me up and killing me. Why do we live to work and make money? I do not even want to live I live in constant fear of everyone in my life leaving me",Suicidal +10538,"To start off,I am a 25 m who lives in small town USA. I have been feeling more depressed here lately,struggles with my wife have driven me to either divorce or suicide. I have always contemplated both and now I do not know what to do. I just came back from a vacation where I completely lost it and said I was done. When we get home I want a divorce. My whole family turned on me and now I feel awful about the way I feel. I do not know anymore..",Depression +10539,People keep leaving me and I keep getting upset over it and to get the pain over my mental health I cut myself and I have been addicted to it for 4 years How do I stop cutting myself,Depression +10540,"Really just writing this for me but maybe some of you relate to it too. Explaining using that Disney movie Inside Out as a metaphor.I do not cut myself for attention the last thing I want is attention. I am shrouded in self hatred so why would I want other people to pile onto that. I cut myself to feel control, to feel like I have a choice in the narrative that I am experiencing. it is the only way I know how.It would be like if the 5 main characters of the movie were living their life but there was also a secret 6th character, repression. He got thrown into that forgotten memories pit but he clawed his way back out holding a grudge. He broke into central control and is holding the other emotions hostage. They are forced to watch him ruin the life they made and cannot do anything about it. They have no control and can only watch what unfolds. They can give suggestions, like go to bed on time or exercise, but he will not take that advice. So finally, to feel some sense of control in this hell, they suggest something he will like. ""Why do not we cut ourselves"" Knowing full well it will just make things worse it is a last ditch attempt at having some relief. And it sucks.That probably did not make any sense at all, idk, sorry. Why I cut myself",Depression +10541,"Hey I am currently a college student going through hell, is there anyone that I could talk to. Is there anyone I could talk to",Suicidal +10542,"I need it to stop hurting for a few minutes. I need to forget for a few minutes. that is all. I can keep going after that. Its there when I am asleep, its there when I am awake. I just need a few minutes escape. Please. I just need a few minutes",Depression +10543,"I am overworked, I am overtired. When I get back, as much as Id love to talk to others online or with her, I no longer have the motivation to. I feel like a bother to everyone if I even join them. I guess Ill feel safe in my sleep but its effecting me there too. I cannot stop thinking about everyone around me now ignoring me, leaving me. Being abandoned it hurts knowing no one is near me when I wake up. I no longer feel comfortable in my own bed, but I am just trying to take care of her. But I am scared they are all no longer wanting me in their lives. I am just trying to help myself but nothing is working anymore I want to tell her this but I am afraid to be honest, I am scared my darkness will stray her away. I already know what is she is been through, I do not think she needs enough of that anymoreSorrow found me, sorrow won I keep having nightmares, thinking everyone is leaving me, and I believe its telling me the truth.",Depression +10544,"I am F 15 and have been depressed for four years now. i go to therapy, and recently I am going to wellness therapy because i was admitted into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. so much time and opportunities i had to better myself but i never took them. i do not know if its my adhd or the depression or my brain just cannot take it but i cannot make a decision. i feel like i need to accept my situation, i even learned about it in wellness but no matter how hard i try i cannot accept it. i lost everything that was ever dear to me and i still cannot get over it. its like a big wall is stopping me from going through. does anyone have advice? I am hopeless and on the edge of death here. i see no future for myself if i cannot accept that this is what my life is I cannot accept my depression",Depression +10545,"I ask myself daily will my extra efforts towards a better life improve my overall mood? Will I indeed get happier, with a better quality of life? it is a constant battle in my head, and I feel stuck most days due to it. Emotionally I do not feel connected with anyone including family and friends. Describing how I feel, pouring out my everyday thoughts makes me believe my family thinks I am deranged or crazy. Everyone calls me selfish for contemplating suicide but no one will exert their presence until I am gone. No one will help me feel alive while I am alive. So what is the point in living? Sure I can become a millionaire, and have a wonderful life full of materialistic things, yet if I die unhappy will I have really lived? Life",Depression +10546,"Due to a bad childhood, horrible socializing skills as a kid, and other things in between, I fucking suck at emotionally connecting to anyone. I do not have any attachments to my family, since my bad childhood mostly involves them. I only have 4 close friends, and they are amazing ones, but I have only really connected to and opened up to 1. I could easily relate to her and we could talk for hours on end. We took a few month break for her to focus on her mental health. Now that were talking again, it just feels like we lack the connection we use to have. I still cherish her and everything, but sometimes it just feels one sided, but I cannot blame her. She recently got a lot of new friends and just has a busy life in general. My 3 other friends, while close, I have only opened up to one and that was ages ago. When I did, his parents saw my messages, told the school principal who then proceeded to call my mom, which made some issues for me. Ever since then, the only person I have opened up to is the friend I mentioned first. I have talked to her about some of my issues, but I do not want to burden her. She already feels guilty for not being there during our break. My last 2 remaining friends, its hard to open up to since I have never talked to them about this stuff at all, at least on my side. The best thing about the emotional connection I had with my friend originally, was that it made me feel happy unlike anything else. It made me feel like I was living. I still feel that way when we have a fun time with each other or have a good convo, but now its just a double edge sword to me, with the sad feelings that come with it. I do not have anyone else to rely on, to relate to, or anyone there for me. I do not think me and her will ever go back to way that we were before, and that scares me. I would have no connections then. I would just be a sack of flesh walking on this earth. Suicidal ideas have came back. I know I am a wimp when it comes to this stuff, I could not self harm even if I wanted to, but maybe the cowardice will run out sometime soon. Until then, I have time to brainstorm lots of ideas I wish I could Have More Emotional Connections",Depression +10547,I am going to take a ton of acetaminophen overdose,Suicidal +10548,"Today is my birthday and it feels extra shitty. In my head I am just thinking to myself, maybe today is my last bday. it is supposed to feel like a special day but why do I feel so lonely and sad....I think to myself, I did great, I struggled long enough and maybe it is just time to relax and end everything. Today is my birthday",Suicidal +10549,"I hate my geneticsI wish my family was not so brokeFeel like I am just really narcissistic which is why I hate myself and my life so much making me really suicidal for the past year or two.Thx for reading now please comment, praise me and make me feel better about my life. Just using this to vent",Suicidal +10550,"I did not think I would reach this point again this year. I am tired. And spiraling. Urges all over and tired but cannot sleep, I also cannot ever nap. I am also sick and it sucks. I am so tired and unbelievably sad, depressed, and lonely. I also had to switch therapists and in a couple days will have my third appointment with my new one. The first week I was doing quite well, at least on the outside, the second week went downhill and now I am at my worst again and scared to show her this so early, like it is so soon. I miss my previous therapist. I cannot stop crying and I feel so alone, I hate this so much. I just need comfort and I cannot fully get that right now, it is so hard. I just need to like cry in her arms but I have not gotten to see her in a bit, and soon she will be moving states and we will be long distance and I am so dreading that. I do not want it to happen but I am trying to be supportive. I miss the future we planned before, so badly. it is been a while since I have felt this helplessly sad",Depression +10551,First of all i do not even have the ability to write a long post i want to but I cannot it is just so much effort i cannot take and it is not worth it but all i can say is just I have been on a plan just to kill myself just need to set some stuff straight before i go but all this endless suffering is worthless i just want to rip my hurt out from pain i tried to kill my self since i was 7 or 8 and i tried a lot afterwards my closest time was at july 2017 were i was litrally throw myself from my balcony but i litrally ended up hitting my head in my balcony wall and that is ironic because am a high jump athlete and the amount of crying i had made me slip before jumping and i passed out and i regretted everyday that slip a lot of things happened since 2017 and i lifted things up but if i could go back to this day i would just till my self to jump again and just end it it is been a cycle of regret and i just do not want to continue I go to a therapist just go document my journey so they can help someone else but am lost case,Suicidal +10552,"I have been getting bad again. I have always told myself that i would not/could not attempt again until i was out of debt. but i found out my mom has a (albeit small, do not know the amount though) life insurance on me. (just to note: nothing of concern; she is got one on my brother and herself as well). but learning that kind of took the safety net away. my debts not that much, and she is been doing better financially since we moved out. I have been getting bad, bad in a way i have not been in a long time. and my debt was one of two things keeping me here. well shit.",Suicidal +10553,"I do not have anyone to talk to, people I trust just vanish from my life on a consistent basis and the only friend I have got I feel like I cannot talk to. A few people from reddit have reached out but they ghost me after 2 or 3 messages. Maybe I am the problem. I have got no one to talk to",Suicidal +10554,"repost because my dumb ass spelled the title wrong.I will be completely alone in the house. I had a breakdown tonight, and relapsed last night. What am I going to do? Should I just get it over with already? I am both scared and unbothered at the same time. I did not even know that was possible. I do not know what to do. I wish I could just disappear and not have to be facing this at all. it is so tiring.it is kind of strange to think that this could be my last night alive. I do not want to be melodramatic. I honestly just want it to be over. I am scared for tomorrow and I am alone through it",Suicidal +10555,"I have never got someone to talk to, even a few people from here have ghosted me after 2 or 3 messages. Maybe I am just the problem I have got no ome to talk to",Suicidal +10556,"I inch closer every single day to ending my life, I hate the thoughts I get in my head. I have proved that I am an awful person and my past haunts me. I am so sorry for those I have hurt in the past, no amount of forgiveness will ever excuse my terrible actions and that is why I feel like there is only one way out. One way to make things right, I cannot live with what I have done and I cannot take it back. Whenever I try to move forward and leave my past behind I cannot, it stops me in my tracks and reminds me that I am still a bad person. To my family, friends and loved ones, I am sorry for the scum that I have become, I am just sorry in general, I cannot change I have tried, I have to kill myself I think its probably the only way. I am sorry",Suicidal +10557,"I am 21 years old. I have not been diagnosed with depression but I am pretty sure there is something wrong with me. The thing is I feel unhappy many times, and its been a very long time since I truly felt happy. I do not even remember when was the last time that I did feel happy. I do not feel like I enjoy anything anymore, not when I watch tv, not when I read a book, not when i get good grades. I cry many nights and there is never a particular reason for it. But I never told my psychologist any of this because at first I thought it would go away and now I am just scared. I feel like everything I do is just because I am supposed to do it, like being good at college, trying to lose weight and be healthy, practicing to get better at some hobby, etc. but I just do not feel happy. And I do not know what do about it. I also feel like I am so lame to be around lately because I never have anything interesting to say, never have a story to tell. I am just tired. I am tired",Depression +10558,"I always have had depression issue, ever since I can remember. I usually can cope, but recently I have just been alone all the time. All I have is my thoughts, and no one seems to care. My husband is never around, and usually chooses to hang out with friends then to be home with me and our dog. I do not have friends I can lean on, and my family is going through a lot and I cannot burden them. I just hate this feeling of loneliness 24/7, the emptiness it gives. I usually can play with my pup and feel better, but he recently had surgery and is a lot of work. I wish I could take a break, but no one else is there to help. When people do come around, usually my husbands friends/family, they make it pretty obvious that they are there for him and do not care if I am there. If hes gone, they will not even wait for him. They usually leave until hes back, because god forbid someone has to be around me for more than 2 minutes. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling empty and depressed. I am tired of constantly feeling like I am not enough, even for my husband. I hate being alone 24/7",Depression +10559,Time to kill myself cannot even get dick up in the club,Suicidal +10560,"I have my traumas, they used to haunt me, but honestly I do not care about them anymore, I am just tired of all this bullshit, I want to die, but I do not like the idea of killing myself, I just wanted to know what I am supposed to do when I am in my lowest. there is absolutely no one I can call, no one that actually cares, my never cared about me, my mom constantly reminds me I am her biggest mistake, no friends that care. My meds do not help( I have tried a lot of them and some psychiatrist). I just need to know what I should do when my heart starts beating faster, I cannot breathe and just want to die, usually cutting myself helps, do not know why, but it does. I know that doing this shit is fucked up, but I am just lost. What should I do?",Suicidal +10561,"One of the things I find most offensive about what people say about our music is when they say 'its depressing'. The reason I find it offensive is that..... to me that implies that to suffer from depression is like being..... subnormal..... it is a stigma, which it should not be, because there is an awful lot of people who suffer from depression. And it shoild be something that is like an ultimate swear word, because..... I suffer from it and a lot of people suffer from it. It should be something that is openly discussed and accepted. I happen to make music sometimes when I am in that frame of mind because I suffer from it. Actually sometimes it is not suffering, its a bonus..... because a lot of creative power is from that feeling. Thom Yorke On People Calling Radiohead's Music Depressing",Depression +10562,Life is a race to the end. The start is birth and the end is death. We decide if we want to finish early I feel like,Depression +10563,it is finally coming to an end. A painful one to end the pain. Planning to kill myself tonight. Finally.,Suicidal +10564,"I have a lot of terrible intrusive thoughts throughout the day and by the end of the night I feel very depressed. I have had med changes for it already, and it got a little better at first, but now it is bad again. I know the thoughts are not true, but overtime enough of them really bring me down. The thoughts are mostly things like: ""I am a failure"", or ""everyone secretly hates me"". Sometimes the thoughts are suicidal. I also stop feeling safe at night and thoughts of trauma (my own or things I have seen others go through) invade my thoughts. I dissociate often and experience derealization every day. I am in therapy and have spent years working on my trauma and made a lot of progress but recently am struggling through this. What has been your own experiences with this and what helped you feel peace again at night? Nighttime demons",Depression +10565,"I (21f) feel so unhappy. I have a mentally ill sister and growing up she was always rather abusive and cruel to me and other members of my family, especially my mother, to the point that all of us walk on eggshells around her in fear of setting off her anger. She snaps and has physically attacked me and spit on me and I was always taught to forgive her because of her mental illness, and I learned very early on that no one would ever defend me because doing so might upset her. I always prided myself on being good at handling it all, but she is about to go to nursing school and I am about to graduate college. For whatever reason, these past few months its like everything I have been internalizing my entire life just hit me like a truck and the depression has been brutal. Everything upsets me, I cannot sleep, I do not feel like myself and feel like I am trying so hard to keep up the act of pretending to be who I have always been, but I am failing. I cannot go to therapy because I cannot afford it, and I cannot tell my family because having to deal with me on top of my sister would be too much. I just do not know what to do with this hurt that I feel at every moment I need help and therapy is not an option.",Depression +10566,"I have no more motivation nor the energy to continue my degree. I have been doing jothing for months Idk what to do I am stuck.I didnothing for my exams i did not participate.I did not submit my courseworks, i failed. I wasted myparents money i am a waste of lifeNo one would undrdtand i told them I am struggling eith this. I have traumatised myself enough with counselling, i do not want to be reportedPart of me feels like i should have ended myself yesrs ago, the pain would not have been this badI have disappointed everyone in my life,I am privileged i shouldnot feel like this. I shouldntI do not want to live any longer. If i emded myself now it would not get any worse than thisAll i do is play games and get drunk. No one even knows its this badIm sorry for being born.I am so sorry, i did not even try I am sorry for not trying enoguh I am sorry for being like thos I am sorry I am at mybreaking point. i cannot see myself continuing i am exhausted People say it gets better it does not. All i feel is regret. I do not think someone like me can handle pain like wnyone else i am weak and i do not think i can handle this. It got better and then look a me now.mum might pester me again abt finding a partner, if i did it sgain i think id easily hv ended my Life i do not want to do it again, I am noT strong I m sorry for not trying, for being a burden.i hope everyone lives happily. I am sorry, I love you please take care No will to continue university",Suicidal +10567,"I realized that the reason I procrastinate doing certain things is because in a way I do not think the event is real. Like I never tried to get scholarships for school because I guess I thought I had more time. But even with all the time in the world I just do not do it and I think that is because I am so unsure about school and if I am even meant to go. I feel like half my brain is able to acknowledge that this physical world is real but then the other half of my brain is scared and confused and is like I do not want to be here anymore I want this to end. Like when you are watching a bad movie and it makes no sense and you want fo walk out the theatre. I say scared too because this feeling is very lonely. I am a person who is alone a lot and who is independent in a lot of ways - so when I am left alone like in my bedroom I just get such an odd feeling like this world is so unfamiliar to me. I live with my mom and even if I hear her talk downstairs I am just confused. Or if I am not with my dad I just feel confused. I know I keep saying confused because I do not know another way to explain it. I guess its just a feeling of loneliness and wanting to know too much about a concept (life and the spirit) that no one knows the answer to. I guess the best word to use would be that this world feels very dream like. And I want it to feel real, not dream like. I feel unreal and it scares me",Depression +10568,"I am 17 years old and I have been having to deal with my parents who often have yelling matches, physical altercation, and trash the house during fits of anger. I have been dealing with this my whole life and it just gets so hard to deal with. Tonight it got pretty bad when my dad started to beat my mother, and then continued with a belt. I broke it up and watch as they threw and broke things. I am a year away from leaving to college but I just do not know how much longer I can last. I feel so lonely and scared and I hate to be home. I want to leave so fucking badly and it does not help that they drink and even do drugs from time to time. Luckily they do not hit me and they do so much to support me and are not neglectful at all. it is just that they hate each other and the hate mixed with drugs and alcohol erupts into so much shit. I feel empty, tired, and lonely having to deal with this almost every week and in the past I have had suicidal thoughts but I am smart enough not to actually do it. I just think it is fucked up to even have those thoughts at a young age and watching your parents hurt each other. I just do not know what to do to help anything and just waiting for college to come is getting so hard to do. Would love some advice/help from anyone... I live with domestically abusive parents and I do not know how much more I can take...",Depression +10569,"I know most of Reddit is not a fan of police. I do not really want to be anymore, but its the only thing I know how to do. Anyway, I always used to think those haunted by a mental illness were weak, or over dramatic. For the most part, I have had an optimistic look in life, and growing up I was sheltered, so I never went through anything truly traumatic. It does not make sense for me to be depressed. But, hindsight is 20/20. I am sad because most cops I have worked with have very little personality and have little empathy for the things every day people are experiencing. Or they did initially but daily exposure to this shitty planet numbed them to it. What I am getting at is, I am not that type of person. I grew up with an over imaginative mind as my dad used to call it. I would write fictional stories, skits for my siblings, and make short films with dinosaur cut outs I drew. To this day, I have so many aspirations outside of this career, but having a wife, kid, house, vehicles, bills, and mentally draining job have basically killed all my dreams of publishing a fictional book or making a fan film in my free time. Its who I really am, but daily I must be something that I am not. To continue to afford things and be responsible. I am a free spirit trapped in a law officers body. And its killing me inside. Only my daughters smile after work makes it worth it. Some days I just day dream about quitting, livings out of my SUV and letting go of this shallow, materialistic society we endure. I Wish The because Could Be Identified",Depression +10570,"Hey, I finally opened up to my mum about how I have been feeling and she booked a doctors appointment for me. I am 15 and extremely apprehensive about this. It was hard enough for me to talk to my mum about it but now to a doctor idk if I will be able to articulate my feelings properly and I am scared I am going to get turned away. Does anyone have any words or wisdom/advice for me or even want to share their experience going to the doctors for the first time in the uk, would mean a lot, thank you Diagnosis UK",Depression +10571,"Literally no one wants fuck all to do with someone with bipolar. I could kill myself right fucking now and no one would give a shit. I am so tired of people recommending I just reach out to my friends, oh my friends care, no they fucking do not. Oh it will get better. No it will not. It has not gotten better in seven fucking years. My friends would be RELIEVED if I killed myself. So would society who blames all my symptoms on character flaws and saying it is my fault I am like this. I started crying so hard while doing the dishes just now I had to stop and almost threw up in the sink. Tell me how I am supposed to live like this. If this continues much longer I am just going to fucking jump and have it be over with. This is no way to live. so fucking tired of fighting to survive when no one wants me",Suicidal +10572,"I am just so over being alive. I used to cry about it, but now I just feel like I am just existing with no actual purpose. I do not want to kill myself but I also do not want to keep living this life. Every morning when I wake up I just think damn, another day and then go about the rest of my day just wanting to scream constantly. I do not know how people put up with this shit. or experience any amount of joy at all. Everyday. Its exhausting. I feel like I do so much to try and make myself happy. I buy myself something nice every now and then. Take myself to nice meals. Got a dog (who I love, but does not really change my mood). I literally just moved across the country because I thought it would make me happier to be near my siblings and closer to friends from college, but so far its just making everything worse. I hate it here. And I have tried explaining this to friends and my therapist and all they say is to get out there, see what life has to offer. I am in my mid 20s but I feel like I have already seen enough. I know there is more but I do not want to wait around for it. Literally nothing in my life to this point has made me happy and I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I want to fall in love with being alive, but I feel like I have to actually enjoy life first, which literally feels impossible. I keep calling this my slump, but maybe it cannot be a slump if I have literally always felt this way. I just do not know what to do, but I am so tired of dealing with it. There is nothing I hate more than being alive",Depression +10573,Why do I do the things I do.. why do people worry why do I not care enough to actually careWhy do I want to please everyone other than myselfWhy do I obsess over the pastWhy do I feel like I am going insaneWhy do I have so many people in my head..Why have not I harmed myself yetWhy do I have a pent up anger against my dead fatherWhy do I have to take a pill for my adhd to make me feel sane..Why do not I trust therapists..Why do not I ask for helpWhy do I want a relationshipWhy do I have heart pains. Why,Depression +10574,"i cannot even start to think about why I am depressed, it just makes my brain and thoughts feel like its heating up and I will explode, and it is not like i have problems that are something big, and idk maybe I am just being a bitch about things and I am a normal person, but i cannot even think at this point. i do not really know the point of this is but i do not have therapy and I am off meds and I have just been using weed to help but i cannot even do that now either.i do not k ow i feel I am losing my sanity, or idk i really do not. i cannot even think",Depression +10575,"How deadly is that combo, let us say poppy tea plus GHB ? Suicide with opiates+GHB?",Suicidal +10576,My anxiety is so bad I think about killing myself every day. I am so exhausted and I feel crazy. I need to get out or my own head and body. I am tired,Suicidal +10577,"none of the things that should make me happy make me happy and i just feel so broken. i think I am going to break up with my girlfriend because its not fair to her that I am thinking about killing myself all the fucking time, especially when were together. there is no way that I am enjoyable to be around and i feel awful for everybody i know lmfao. I have been distracted and exhausted for so long and i feel so guilty because I am acting so irresponsibly. i cannot figure out what i want beyond how bad i need to get the fuck out of here. all my plans so far have involved jumping off of a high building/bridge but I have been considering hanging and poisoning more recently because its more accessible and I am freaking out. I have been on antidepressants for like 9 months (even though i do not like the side effects) and I have been in therapy for like half that time and i just do not feel like they take me seriously, even though I have been honest about my suicidal thoughts the whole time. i do not hate my family, i like my friends, school is fine, and yet my brain only thinks thoughts about how everything feels like nothing and i need to kill myself. I am so hopeless and disillusioned and I am going fucking insane. hopeless",Suicidal +10578,"I really do not. I cannot hold a job because I end up not showing up because I cannot take the mental load. Which is fucking pathetic. I am only 22, I have been working since I was 16, and I am already burnt out mentally. Its really fucking pathetic. But I just cannot show up anymore to something that does not make me happy. I am at a point where if its not going to bring me joy or at least be worth my time, then I just cannot do it. that is also pathetic. People offer me solutions. But none of the solutions are what I want. Sure it would probably help solve the problem. But it will not make me happy and that is literally all I want now. I just want to feel something good. Someone I was once really close with killed herself last weekend. I did not even go to the fucking funeral. It was not going to make me feel better so I did not go. And now I think Ill regret that for a very very long time. I have tried the therapy and I tried the meds, I had DNA testing done for fucks sake, to see which meds my body will metabolize the best. And what do you know, there is only a handful that my body will ACTUALLY metabolize. I have tried half of them already. They either make it worse, or make you numb. I am not sure which Id rather have? Neither? I just do not want to exist anymore. I do not have the guts to commit but I really wish I did. I do not think it gets better",Depression +10579,"Hi, I have I real problem My Antidepressant stop work with me with no reason, I feel depressed so bad tbh, Is this normal or not? Asking for help",Depression +10580,"i have thought about killing myself for 2 years. antidepressants gave me temporary relief from suicidal thoughts, but not anymore. I am beginning to think that I am treatment-resistant. >!when i went to university, i thought about jumping off the bridge to the parking lot.!< now that i am stuck at home, I have thought about different things. it is one of two things. >!one, shooting myself with my father's gun. or two, stabbing myself in the gut with a knife from the kitchen.!< I am safe for tonight, but i have one question: how do i cope with these thoughts? i cannot distract myself forever. 2 years",Suicidal +10581,"hey all,I have been going through a weird past few weeks of my life. one week it feels like I am on fucking cloud 9, the next, like I am the worst I have ever felt. so what i decided to do was delete all my social medias, and try to work on my mental health. somehow doing this has only made me feel worse. I have tried to kill myself once (sort of) and i know i do not want to, but what i really want is just a way out. i feel unbothered by the everyday throws of life, indifferent. i have no passion, not for anything, whereas it seems all my friends have at least one. I have tried picking up some but nothing seems to stick. i just feel lost in life, and i guess for my age that is ok, but i still need help. if anyone can offer any advice id greatly appreciate it. passionless, sad, and sleep deprived",Depression +10582,"I am sitting here in bed and my gut is wrenching thinking about how alone I am. I really think I have an issue developing personal relationships and it creates a constant cycle of loneliness. Maybe I am not meant for that and biologically I was built to live and fend for myself. The issue is that I live in a society where everyone is love lives are blasted on social media and television. I am jealous of people that have issues with their spouses because at least they have/had the capacity to develop a relationship in the first place. I do not necessarily want to die, but I refuse to live the rest of my life like this. There just does not seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I am on a wheel and I know that nothing will ever change because it never has. I know I am the problem and I will not ever be able to fix that. I am not writing this because I am suicidal, I am more apathetic towards life and there is not anything to look towards. Lonely",Depression +10583,"I say I do not care but then why do I care if people worry? that is only reason why I have not harmed myself externally I just do not want to worry people.I have said this to many friends but if i where to die Id like to be alone so I could be dead knowing that no one knows I am gone and know one worrys. I only feel like I exist to want the companionship of a relationship.Why does it feel like everyone is watching me, judging me, being disappointed in me?Expressing my thoughts and feelings seem to hurt people and push them away.. so I should not express anything and keep hiding behind my fake smile? I guess I should because if not then id worry people. I do not understand myself",Depression +10584,I want to jump .I will jump.I want to be free.So Ill be free.Sorry to my lover .Sorry to my parents.July 27th 2021 Golden Gate Bridge,Suicidal +10585,plain and simple. i just feel like I am dragging everyone down. I am worthless. i do not think anyone cares about me. I am too annoying and ugly for anyone to care. i mess everything up. I am almost certain everyone is life would be better without me. my only doubts come from not having someone to make fun of. i have no redeeming qualities,Suicidal +10586,Nothing brings me joy. I cannot bring myself to be creative anymore. My life is too boring. I hate myself it is one of those moments where everything is boring and numb,Depression +10587,"Currently 17 close to 18, and I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I look, how I feel, and my anxiety is slowly killing me. I feel constantly judged all the time and never feel like I am good enough for anyone not even myself. I live a decent life but I have nothing going for me. I have not been happy in almost 4 years now, there is nothing I do that makes me happy. I do not have a life worth living. The girl I feel so passionate about is with someone else and i hate it. I do not feel like I am good enough for anything. I am just so tired of living through the same day over and over. I do not feel like my life is as worth it as people say it is. Everyone always tells me it gets better and if I wait good things are coming for me but they have not and it does not seem like they will. I hate myself and my life",Suicidal +10588,Pretty much the title. Sigh. I feel so numb,Depression +10589,I hate myself. I hate existing. The one thing stopping me from is my friend but I cannot go on for any longer. I fuck everything up. Everything is my fault. I cannot even explain how I feel correctly. I cannot go to a fucking doctor becuase they are going to think I am just blowing shit out of proportion. If I hear that shit one more time its over. And the worst of it all is I cannot fucking cry. My dad permanently scarred me to the point when I want to cry I fucking smile instead. I hate just fucking existing. I am always told it could be worse but I am just fucking sick of it. I cannot fucking do it anymore,Suicidal +10590,"I find dealing with my existential dread to be worse than watching some deep web shit or creepy analog horror series, it is almost soothing in a way. Is it weird that I like to watch scary stuff online to distract myself?",Depression +10591,"I am nearing my 23rd birthday and I am losing hope that I will ever shake this depression. I burned a lot of bridges last year due to a manic episode and since then I have shut down to the outside world. I moved far away and got a decent job, but there are no advancement opportunities.I do not have a social life nor do I possess the will to change that. The only thing I enjoy in life is eating. I will probably have diabetes if I keep up my current diet. I have no more aspirations and few desires. Either I am working on sitting on the couch watching a show. My brain feels utterly empty. I have trouble remembering basic things and I do not feel anything anymore. I am beginning to think that I will never recover from this. A part of me does not want to get better either. I am fucked. I do not think I am going to get better",Depression +10592,I am not strong enough to kms but tonight when everyone in my house is asleep I am going to get a knife and cut. I should not do it but I just want to see blood. I want to bleed. It will make me feel better after everything. I should not do this to myself but the urge to bleed after what has happened to me is too strong. I am sorry The stress is too much. Planning to do something awful to myself,Suicidal +10593,"I feel numb I want to die yet not die at the same time, Is this just me thjng or other people too? Wanting to die, yet not?",Depression +10594,"I am 18F. I am so sick of living with it, they call each others names and are constantly bickering with each other. Telling each other to fuck off, calling them an asshole, lazy, etc. I am just so sick of having to be around it. When I confront them about not acting like this in front of me they just either deny that they are being rude to each other or promise to not do it again. Anyone else deal with this? my parents are verbally abusive to each other",Depression +10595,I am fed up of everything and there is no fucking way I will get out of this depression and the problems I am facing.SOMEBODY KILL ME! PLEASE I BEG YOU. I want to DIE.,Suicidal +10596,Making a postJust got to press send... Making a post,Depression +10597,Welp time to slash my veins maybe but i want it badly Currently at veccation at my uncle (korcula),Suicidal +10598,"I try to get everything together every now and then. I (healthily, no drugs, extreme diets or whatever) managed my weight to a healthy level. I am trying to improve my grades in college. I try to go out more with friends. Hell, today even I had a haircut for the first time in months. Whenever I feel like things are getting back on track I randomly get this feeling of everthing coming down and not being worth it anymore. Tonight I even kind of realised my dog is old and is going to be gone any day now. What do I do man. I went to some sessions with a shrink but it did not go anywhere. Maybe I did not tell he enough? I do not know. One of the few things keeping me on this side is that I am too lazy to write a suicide letter to everyone. Mayyyyyyybe the feeling of leaving my mom sad? But that I do not know. I thought few (maybe too many) times of slashing my wrists lenghtwise in the shower. (Quick sidenote as I am writing this I really do not want my dog to die man). I fear the day I am in enough despair I do not care about suicide letters or anything. What do I do? I do not wamna leave guys but there are times I do not see other options. Where do I draw the will to go on from? Honestly I am kind of done. I may need a word of advise.",Suicidal +10599,I would honestly say as great life has been it really is not all that kind of do not want to be talked out out of it as I am already emotionally over it and have been for so long now.Just want the deets on making it painless Most painless ways to die,Suicidal +10600,"I do not want to fall asleep because I know that when I wake up I will feel just as bad as I do now, I know my parents are going to drag me to church and I am going to make some dumb mistake and feel like shit and probably self harm until I fall asleep again just to wake up and continue until the day I die. I do not want to fall asleep",Depression +10601,"I have had a funny feeling lately. Kind of unusual. Its like I woke up from a nap kind of late after a long day of work.When I awoke it was already dark, and suddenly my dark apartment felt extremely dark. And the Normal solitude I am accustomed to became so intolerable. It almost felt like a panic attack in a way.Yet my heart was not racing. Yet I felt on edge, and so so very alone.I busied myself with some quick chores. Suddenly a friend of mine messaged and I messaged them back quickly. They even called and its like I was so thrilled to talk with them for awhile and the feeling began to fade.I just do not understand it well.I have lived alone for several years nowand I am accustomed to it even prefer it at times.And yet waking up suddenly this evening the feeling of being alone felt like a prison. Completely intolerable.I was curious if anyone has ever felt anything like that. I know I have been a bit depressed latelyIm wondering if some of my anxiety symptoms are returning perhaps in a different way. Anxiety and depression about solitude?",Depression +10602,"Does anybody else feel better after imagining themselves resorting to suicide when dealing with stressful situations? I never truly plan to go through with it (not yet at least), however the thought bouncing in my head provides a much needed sense of relief as morbid as it may seem. Question",Suicidal +10603,"I am 16 and I really want to die but I am afraid that I am going to have a failed attempt and my life's going to get worse. I wish I did not have to think this way, I wish my parents let me study what I wanted so I was not such a failure and a disappointment to them. In the beginning of this year, I broke down and told my mother that I could not concentrate on my studies no matter how hard I tried and that I did not think I would be capable to study science in Grade 11 but she did not listen to me. She told my father and he did nothing but berate me and they told me that if I act crazy again, they would punish me. I am very scared of disappointing people but no matter how hard I try, I end up doing just that. I cannot back away from anything now, my courses have been paid for and they are really expensive and I do not think my parents could afford losing all that money. Even if they could recuperate, I am certain that they are going to make my life hell and not allow me to change to any other course. I really wanted to study literature and I was really fond of reading books and learning languages, but all the pressure to be something I am not made me lose the will to even pick up a book and I do not feel interested in doing anything anymore. I used to be good at English and writing papers and loved learning but now I am barely even passing English. I do not have a way to fix this and neither do I have a way out. I feel like a failure around people my age because they seem to have set their mind on what they are studying and are excelling. My parents want me to sit for the national medical entrance test which is in 1.5 yrs but I know I am going to fail it and I have nothing I can do after that. I am tired of feeling like a failure, I am tired of pretending I am trying my best, I am not trying at all, I cannot try. I just want all this to stop. I do not want to keep on lying to everyone around me but I am too scared to kill myself.",Suicidal +10604,"I do not even want to eat anymore. Even if I only eat the smallest amount of food, I feel guilty and even more depressed. what is the point in taking care of myself? Even if I wanted to get my shit together I do not have the mental energy to. I do not see the point in anything anymore. What am I fucking waiting for? I am suffering and holding on for what??! There is nothing worth living for. I am barely getting through every day and for what?! to have another shitty day with constant fucking torture?! every shit day is followed by the next. why am I still here? why do I need to keep trying?? what am I doing this to myself for?! nothing. There is nothing. all there is is more of this shit and I am done I cannot fucking do this anymore I am beyond my fucking breaking point I do not know what the fuck I did to deserve this. I fucking hate living I fucking hate people I fucking hate myself I want to fucking die. I hate these fucking mood swings. I do not want to live anymore if this is all life is. I am not getting better and I do not give a fuck anymore. I cannot wait to die because death is better than the shit I am going through every single fucking day. I am holding on for what?",Depression +10605,"What do you do once you have become a terrible person as myself? The manipulator you swore never to become? When the few who love you are the ones you have fooled? I am an awful person. I have no feelings for one who loves me, but rather play along. I say empty words to everyone who values me. Love you too when I cannot find it in my heart to love anything anymore. Is it apathy? Maybe. Will I be missed? Likely. Missed as the person they thought they loved. Missed as some veiled liar. Ya know, they will have never seen it coming. It will be nice to be gone, false face and all. they would miss me. I will not miss them.",Suicidal +10606,"... I am even tired of getting mad at retards telling me ""This is why you are single""... I am so numb from loneliness, I do not even feel emotional pain anymore....I am a failure. Everything I try will and always had failed including suicide....I want to be permanently locked up in an asylum. My life is over anyway. I just want to wither away, my body and my mind...If only I did not do that fatal mistake. If I could tell to my younger self what is really important. Tell him to smoke, drink, skip classes, drop out of school if needed, but find your self a mate! The only thing that is actually important, just look how broken I am just becouse of that one vital piece... Life ends at thirty",Suicidal +10607,so there is this older women i really like that i work with and i have liked her for awhile other people i work with have asked me if i like her and i told them no because I am embarrassed about them knowing because she is older which i know i should not be and one time someone i work with told her i love her infront of other coworkers which is not true yes i have feelings for her but i would not go as far as saying i love her because i do not know her deep enough to have that love connection even though i know her pretty well and a couple weeks ago i got up the courage to tell her that i like her so earlier in that week i asked her if we could go out after work on friday night night and talk about something is and just hang out she said yes then on friday i asked her if we were still going out and she said she does not hang out with coworkers one on one which i know is not true because I have over heard her inviting another coworker to go to the gym with her do not know why she said yes and then no because she would alot of the times be happy to see me at work and once she asked me if i would like to come over and see her cat and see her cat some time and I have asked her about coming over and seeing her cat since i really like cats and she said it would not really work out since my cat does not like men to me she seems like she is been acting a little cold towards me at work even though she gives me a ride home sometimes since i do not have a car and she does not seem cold at all then and she seems to be very open and now every time she gives me a ride home i want to tell her that i like her and that i think that she is very pretty even though i think she is beautiful but i would be too embarrassed to say beautiful I am so scared to say anything because i have such extremely bad luck with women I have only had one girlfriend and it was only because she asked me out I have never actually been on a date and not from lack of trying because I have tried so very very hard with no luck I have been single for 10 years now and i feel like I am just destined to be alone for the rest of my life it hurts me so much why do feelings for a woman have to be so painful,Depression +10608,"Feeling suicidal and actively depressed. But if you ask me to talk about it, I cannot. Years of pushing away my feelings, now I am so out of touch with them, that I do not understand what I am feeling and even if asked will not be able to explain. Just overwhelmed by something I do not understand. God just want to jump in front of a truck.Argh. Completely out of touch with my emotions",Depression +10609, Please help,Suicidal +10610,Nobody cares about me. there is no way I can contribute anything to society why cannot I just quit I have no business being alive wtf,Suicidal +10611,"I cannot even be productive when it is my life on the line. I just want to be dead, but I am too scared. I know there is nothing in this life for me, and I am so over feeling bad for myself it is honestly funny. I am just too weak and worthless and alone to survive all of this bullshit. I do not know how to fix this, I do not even see how fixing it would be worth it. Everyone I know is depressed, and I am the only one who is too weak to handle it",Depression +10612,"Hello everyone, I was wondering if anyone else gets more depressed the day after drinking. My depression was getting better until yesterday that I was hanging out with some friends and had two beers(I am not much into alcohol so when I drink I do not go over 2 beers) and today I woke up feeling like shit, I did not get out of bed, I just had a shower and that is about it. I was wondering if anyone else experiences this, and if so, how long does this ""extra depressed"" last? It surprised me that only two beers had this effect on me. Depressed after drinking ?",Depression +10613,"I am a 26 year old who lives somewhere in Latin America. I am quite well economically, I have a job in technology not affected by the pandemic, I am physically healthy.Many people I have met across all ages told me I am very intelligent. I can learn anything I put my will to, and I am typically complimented at work. I can speak various languages as well, and had some breakthrough achievements at work. I was lucky enough to have a good family that supported whatever choices I made, and I could travel and live in Europe for a little more than two years. Some people think I am good looking and interesting, I was able to have a healthy sex life in my youth with people all over the world.Many people would kill to have at least one or two of the things I have described above...Funnily enough, as cheesy as it sounds, I feel like killing someone too, myself. Or rather, I would like to stop existing...do not worry if you think this is a suicide note, I am not going to do anything yet.I have made a pathetic attempt before on my life some years ago. I was not in any life threatening situation, but I called an ambulance and told them I had tried to commit suicide. Trying to commit suicide is a crime in my country. As my perfect luck would have it, the police chief assigned to me that night saw me as a very desperate and lonely person, and wrote off my attempt as a cry for help. My parents came to the hospital, the police chief evaded his responsibilities, and I was able to get out a few days later. I went home as if nothing ever happened, I still have large scars on one of my wrists, meaning that this event will chase me forever.Some days I forget that scar is there. Some days I look at it but do not even pay any attention to it. I do not cover it with long sleeves, but I always have that scar facing my body, so other people will not see it.But it will always follow me through the rest of my days.A couple of years ago I returned to my country. I had been in Europe studying at an University as part of some program. Ever since that day, I have done nothing but work. I am thankful for the work I have, and I am climbing the ladder very quickly and I will be able to easily find a job anywhere in the world.However, I have no friends. No one I can a friend. All my relations now are just acquaintances from work. I have a very hard time being sociable. My depression has made me completely boring and unable to relate to anyone, or have a normal conversation. I have misophonia, so the sounds that people make give me a strong painful reaction. Think like every human sound is the sound of nails on a chalkboard.I do not have any hobbies. If I do feel like doing something, it most likely is something I can enjoy by myself. I try to avoid social interactions as much as possible.Due to the pandemic, I was able to move back with my parents and work from home. I live in another town a few kilometers away from work and I can save more money for investments, but I have no social life at all. The relation with my family is null. Just the bare minimum and the essentials. No love or emotions allowed.Just as I move everything from my house and finally move in with my parents, my coworkers decide to start hanging out regularly. They meet at bars and have a drink or two. I should not really care about this, but it has really affected me.Is it a hard coincidence from life? One of those motherfucking facts of life? Or were they always waiting for me to move away?In any case, my emotions right now would not have been different. I feel betrayed, even if I should not feel like so.The coworkers are young like myself, and while I am above them in the ladder, I always saw them as my equals. I spent many hours helping them, educating them on work topics they did not feel comfortable enough.One of them is a girl I have some feelings for, but she does not have the same back. However, she wants to stay friends. She noticed that I am not feeling well, since we do not talk as much through text chats on the phone.I may have ruined the ""perfect image"" I am always showing to the rest of the world, and to her as well. If there ever was a chance that me and her would hook up or something, I do not think that is possible anymore.One side of me wants to give them another chance, maybe if I ask, we can all meet and drink, and share nice stories! Maybe I can rebuild the chat I had with this girl, and who knows what could happen.The other side of me wants to destroy this relation, never come back to the office, never chat with them again, break my promises with this girl, and escape as soon as possible.If you think this sounds very childish, it is because I never developed how to control my emotions. I am very sensitive to things that people say or think about me. My emotions are stuck in pre-teen mode.I do not know what is this feeling I have right now. They are all negative. I feel betrayed, angry, in despair, saddened. For the first time in a long time, I have been just lying in bed doing nothing.From this little slip in my emotions, I can turn self destructive, and the short or long relations I have had, destroy them. Which in turn, gradually transforms the slip into a downfall. But hey, it is not all that bad. In a few months, once the pandemic calms down and I am fully vaccinated, I will be able to go to Europe.I have told my bosses about my idea, and they are in support, and even offered me the chance to work remotely from there. Get some money on the side while I find a more suitable work option. it is all going to be all right, correct? Except, the same things that happen to me here in my country, have happened in the previous times in Europe, and will absolutely happen again. The exact same things I wrote above, happened in my country all through my childhood and further. It happened on my first trip to Europe. It happened when I returned. It happened when I went back to Europe, and now, it happened again.When do this shit change? Hahaha Just got to survive for a couple more months, and everything will be all right.... correct? When do this shit change?",Depression +10614,"I hate myself. I do not take care of myself because I hate myself. I do not know how I got like this. Maybe my parents did not teach me its important to love yourself. Maybe the strict Christianity shoved down my throat made me think I have to make everyone else happy instead of myself. do not be selfish. Love thy neighbor. Maybe it was the years of physical, sexual, and mental abuse from my ex. you are just as worthless as I am. No one will ever love you. That is stuck in my brain forever after hearing it every day for years. But I did not care about myself enough even then because I let him do all of that to me. So it started before that. Why is my brain wired like this? Am I destined to kill myself? Sometimes I believe I am. I give out so much love but I cannot love myself. Why? I do not know how to love myself.",Suicidal +10615,My grandpas cousin (who is so much more like closer family to me) is dead and I cannot handle it first my grandma and now him. I just do not know what to do but killing myself is a great option right now. Hes dead and now I am going to be dead next,Suicidal +10616,"I have never felt like I am home, even in my own house. its just a place i know the layout of better than other houses. i feel alone in crowds, even when I am with friends. i have not made a friend i felt comfortable being myself around since i was in kindergarten. I have always had to change my personality in one or more significant ways just to not be constantly alone, even though I am pretty confident that there is nothing wrong with my real personality. I have barely even had a friend since kindergarten, i was always the afterthought. I am pretty sure my mom loves me, but does not like me. i start my freshman year of college this fall and I am so afraid this is all there is. i cannot live like this forever. I am so afraid that I am too broken and that ill never be okay. is this all there is? Does it ever get better?",Depression +10617,"I do not know any communities where being sad but not exactly depressed. Like I do not feel like shit all the time or for long periods of time, just in bursts like a mild depressed state.Whenever I get in these states, I tend to think of how much I hate my life(but I do not). I do not really feel the need to commit suicide or have a strong desire too but I do think about it, I guess often but have never tried it. Maybe I am in denial but I am never talking to some therapist or even friends and family about my personal issues. I try to keep my thoughts and emotions private and confined. One thing I do feel is, I have an intense desire to be alone. I feel fake, like forced happiness everyday to talk to friends and my family. I just want to be alone, for a long time. Sometimes, I wish I had the balls to run away and disappear or just move out. But no, I continue to sit at home each day, playing video games and watching youtube as I have cheated on every assignment and test since I have started college. I really do not know what to do with my life, I know I am a failure but I will not feel terrible tommorow. I could die tonight and I hope I am forgotten as quickly as possible, I do not want anyone to know except whoever has too.But I will just be better in the morning and go along with life until I hit another depressed mood. Does anyone know what this condition is because I do not think its depression depression? I am not depressed just sad",Depression +10618,"I am in love with a narcissist. I hate her but I love her. If I do something its wrong but if she does it, its okay. I am ready to end it all. I was kicked out because I was seeking mental help. I am all alone. My friends cut me off. I just want someone to talk to. And listen to me. Please anyone Narcissist",Suicidal +10619,I am pretty sure I have depression and I am too scared to tell anyone but I do not know what I can do by myself to feel better What can a kid do to help with depression,Depression +10620,"Me and my parents fight a lot, and especially when I am having my week. And I learned that so I keep playing on a computer so I do not hurt someone with words, but of course my mom blames the computer and we get in a fight, I say some horrible things and she says things back, and as always I am stuck In my room listening to my mom arguing with my dad because I was trying not to hurt someone, yet no matter how hard I try someone gets hurt because of me. I used to think that when I get kids I will treat them better, but I do not trust myself with kids I would just be a depressed nobody like always. Another fight",Depression +10621,"A rainbow baby is the baby you have after a miscarriage. Its supposed to be like your healing baby or whatever. Fuck the Fetus that was before me. I do not believe in souls or heaven, so they were never a person, but fucking what luck that fetus had to die before entering this shitty world. I wish it had been the other way around. Why could not I have been miscarried. I was my parents rainbow baby. I wish I had been the miscarried fetus instead",Suicidal +10622,"In the r/BisexualTeens subreddit, a young teen is attempting to slit there wrist. They tried it before but stopped before it was too late and now, they are begging for someone to kill them. I am trying all I can to help prevent them from doing it but, I fear it is not enough. Please help, just go to the subreddit and please help them. They do not deserve the hell there going through. I need help with a victim",Suicidal +10623,"I am going insane, no matter what i do, no matter who i talk to, no matter what i just want to die constantly. i miss her so much and i cannot move on, I have tried I am even falling for someone else but nobody can replace her, its just not the same. the normal i knew is gone forever and now I am just empty and sad and everything hurts and i desperately want to kill myself. please i do not know what to do anymore every time i post here nobody responds and I am so close to giving up on life. I am so exhausted, i try and i try to be strong but I am just, not. everything is going to shit and i just want to die.",Suicidal +10624,"(Warning: Long read)I seriously do not know what to do anymore. I am 27 years old, still live at home, have no friends, no so, no life, no fluctuating income. I feel so stuck and no matter what I try to come up with, they never hold any weight. I am on ssi disability for severe mental health issues that I have tried addressing thru pills and therapy, been there done that and it has never worked out for the better. Also for this reason I have not been gainfully employed for the last few years. With my state of my mind and circumstance I would not want to wage slave to come home to this same situation anyways. If I did my mental health would probably tank even worse just for a couple bucks. It are not worth it. We all know making friends was hard before covid, now after all this craziness it is like good luck with that you know? I have no life at all. I have been watching mma like ufc fights for a long time and only till recently started training mma and kickboxing. With me not having a life thought it would be a great outlet and it is but it is not enough, not at all.Classes are like 1 hour a piece and they hold classes 4 days out of the week and honestly I am not old old but I are not a young buck anymore so even doing like 3 classes a week, an hour a piece has been beating my body down. I am so sore I can barely bend down down or move. I am hoping by Monday I can train again...Even if I had a body of a 18 year old and I could go all day long, 1 hour a day to do something still does not compare to the 23 hours I have left with nothing to do. I am 27, time is just ticking and everything I can try I do not have what it takes to do it and everything I do have what it takes I have tried and failed over and over again. Yes you fail you try again but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Given my circumstance I have tried everything, tried to really rack my brain to drastically change my situation and honestly no amount of self reevaluation has helped me figure this out.Me being a mental wreck at most things in life, some days I accept that my life may be this way for good but I just wish I had some friends or ""A"" friend to talk to or just confide in. it is one thing to go thru all of this but to do it in solitude is just so soul crushing. I know I am a guy and I am supposed to suck it up and find a way and keep trying but how long can I keep trying? This stupid anxiety is the curse of my life I swear. If I was not such a spastic loser none of this would be happening. If I at least had some friends or someone who gave a crap about me maybe I would have the motivation to mustard up some kind of idea or something I have not tried which Idk what since I have thought about everything but this loneliness, this emptiness inside me is killing me. I am close to crying as I type this but I am trying to contain myself. Nobody cares and why should they? I am a miserable, bitter, angry, lonely, loser with nothing to show for in life after being on this planet for 27 years. I had a passion in acting and music but none of those things are guarantee and it is like winning the lottery.it is ironic because usually people who make it in that industry are pretty fucked in the head like me but they got lucky. I feel like I have the mindset of someone who is famous, at least creativity wise and having a good amount of crazy in them but we all know that industry is over saturated it is all dumb luck. They get to release all that craziness but my talent is all wasted and I am just left with the craziness, nothing else. For people who would tell me , just keep pursuing it, it is not as simple. If you do not have movie looks or some kind of connections, you will be doing small short films or student films that go nowhere, that is reality of holly wood. So at the end of the day, it would take one crazy ass miracle to get me out of this situation. I used to be like wow I am 24 now, I am 25 now and now I am 27, 3 years behind 30. it is nuts man. Why and how did I turn out this way? Was it destiny? I feel like some people are meant to suffer all of their lives no matter what. Like you can play my life scenario a thousand different ways and I feel like some how I will always end up here in the exact spot, sitting in this chair typing these exact words. I know this was more of a rant then asking for advice so I apologize but I have no where to turn to. I feel like my existence is literally pointless",Depression +10625,The phone hot lines do not help. I need someone. I am falling into a bad spot I do not know if I can come back from this. I need help. I need someone.,Suicidal +10626,"I am a M 22 all through highschool I worked hard to get good grades, was not popular but I was kind to everyone and people used me to get homework in class which was all I was ever good for so I was well known, instead of spending summers making memories or going to parties with the small group of friends I had I would go to my uncles place in South Carolina to work on his farm and help with his irrigation install business. That way I would be able to afford college after highschool. Bit I figured there would be enough time in college and afterwards to make memories with friends. The graduation came and went and two months after graduation my father the only parent to give af about me passed away. I had to use my money for college to pay off the mortgage. And now I have no after highschool education, working two shitty jobs, living paycheck to paycheck. With no friends because they got tired of asking me to hangout just for mw to say no because I have no time. Usually the jobs keep my mind off the shitty ass life I live but at when I actually have a day off or I am at home at night it really makes me just want to end it all. I do not understand what I did to deserve this but it must have been terrible.",Depression +10627,"Hello,Today was a good day. Day #5 07/24/2021 11:03PM CST",Suicidal +10628,"maybe I am just a shit person because no one seems to stick around very long. even the people who do, do not stay in contact or ever reach out to me first. I really could die and nobody would notice. i want friends who love and need me. i know this is an unrealistic thought, but I cannot help but feel if I had a partner things would be different. I am almost 23, the fact that no one has ever loved me is pathetic. partners think of you often, reach out and show love, and that is what i need rn. i could be happy if i had just one person who cared, but i do not. tired of being alone",Depression +10629,"But I do not know where that is, anymore. And I do not think I have, for a very long time. I want to go home.",Depression +10630,Tw: suicide mentionIm going to be honest I have been thinking about suicide lately I have been so alone lately And there are times where I feel like completely emptyAnd you might think that is just me being sadNoIts literally nothingIm not sure how to describe it as anything different its just nothingAnd sometimes I have just started crying for no real reason and I cannot stop crying I know that I am slowly losing everything because of this And I cannot tell anyone this because I know the second I do Ill be treated like some charity caseI do not want thatAll I want is to be okayIve said that in my letter to myself To at least be okayWhy cannot I be okayIts not like I fully want to feel happyOr have everything I ever wantedIs it so hard to ask God or the universe or whatever the hell is out there to be okay?If I cannot be okay can I at least feel something positive because I have not had that this past yearI just do not know what to do anymore at all and I really would like some guidance I am really empty,Depression +10631,"I have social anxiety and depression so weddings are not my scene. One of my close friends from college just got married to another college friend of mine and I was a groomsman. The wedding was lovely and I am happy for them both. But god do I hate everything about weddings. I do not have and never have had a romantic relationship or anything close to it. Unsurprisingly then, weddings make me feel even more alone and unlovable and worthless. But I also hate the reception. I do not dance because I am overwhelmed by anxiety at the thought. So initially I tried to stay off to the side at this wedding. Unfortunately I felt that by not dancing I was even more noticeable. Eventually I went and took some xanax to calm myself down. Once it started kicking in I was feeling good and actually started dancing with the rest of the wedding party. And i had fun. Why is this bad you might ask? Because it showed me how my mental illness was holding me back from enjoying life. I cannot take strong drugs like xanax often (it is for emergencies only). This makes me want to try recreational drugs which I know I should not do and are illegal in my state.So here I am. Back home feeling worthless, lonely and suicidal, somewhat disassociated from reality. Fuck me. I cannot kill myself because I cannot bring myself to do that to my parents.The good news I that I only have a lot more weddings in the future because all my friends are getting married. Fml I hate weddings",Suicidal +10632,I ate pills last night. Someone have ant ideas to help make me not puke? My body want to die,Suicidal +10633,"This past month, I have been more depressed than usual. Again. And it sucks. Sometimes Ill notice tiny changes in my habits, routines, or diet and Ill just go with the flow, but sometimes it comes suddenly and I will not be able to do anything about it. I feel so glazed all the time.I have not reached out to anyone because I find it so annoying. I find all of this and MYSELF so annoying. Its tiring. EXHAUSTING. To keep telling people about what is going on and why were like this. I have told a few people in the past and it did not really help and I have stopped since then because I am tired and so what? Even writing this is a pain.You know what I realized about myself a few days ago? I have a lot of hobbies to suppress my thoughts. If a certain activity does not work, Ill move on to the next one. I keep going in this cycle until I find one that will. And that is scary. it is scary constantly trying to avoid yourself. Anyone do this as well? Please let me know I am not alone. lol. I find myself annoying when I talk to others about my depression",Depression +10634,"I wish I did not get attached. I am so creepy. I just left this person alone because clearly, they do not feel the same way..but it hurts a lot. I cannot stop thinking about it Got attached to someone and I cannot deal with the feelings",Suicidal +10635,That was the only thing I wanted. I just wanted true love.,Suicidal +10636,weed made me motivated and happy again. motivated,Depression +10637,"Honestly it feels like I put more effort into everything. Its tiring. I just wish people will give me the same energy, I am at my lowest, and I do not feel fine anymore. I cannot keep lying to my self. I do have partners friends. But why does it feel so dry. Everyone else is experiencing exciting things all the time. Why cannot I have that feeling. I do not know anymore, I am just crying. I feel worthless. I feel like, I do way too much. Life is fucking dry.",Suicidal +10638,"I am not saying it would not suck but being able to toss all work related shit out the window, not worry about healthcare, housing or food would take so many monkeys off my back you know? i could focus soley on myself and what i deem important and find value in life without the added extra fat Being rich might make life worth it",Depression +10639,that is the only way I could see not being completely alone. Twenty two years on this earth and that is all its ever been. Constantly in my head unable to interface with the external world. Always alone and I know Ill die this way.so hoping sometime in the future there will be a wayto clone myselfId probably kill myself though.So a win win.I have always been sick. So being alone just comes w it I wish I could clone myself,Depression +10640,My life has gotten to the point where thinking of suicide at 5am in the morning is normal. Its now getting casual,Suicidal +10641,"tw for a brief sh mentionI'll be completely alone in the house. I had a breakdown tonight, and relapsed last night. What am I going to do?I struggle with impulsivity.Should I just get it over with already? I am both scared and unbothered at the same time. I did not even know that was possible.I do not know what to do. I wish I could just disappear and not have to be facing this at all. it is so tiring.. I am scared for tomtorow",Suicidal +10642,"I hate myself so fucking much, I am so upsetI do not particularly want to die, I just want to because so much pain to myselfI deserve it I really need to talk to someone",Suicidal +10643,I have a friend that I have not kept in contact with for awhile but I recently found out that he is been having a tough time. Other friends have tried visiting his house but he will not come out to say anything to him.Other methods of communication like texting or calling do not work either so I am planning to write him a letter. I am just not exactly sure how to word the letter so that he knows that there are still people that care about him and all he needs to do is reach out. Best way to word a letter for a friend who is severely depressed?,Suicidal +10644,"What to do in this situation? it is getting harder to put on a smile for everyone, when inside I am screaming",Depression +10645,"I told my second (and 3rd) person tonight about my suicidal ideation. I feel guilty for laying it on them. They were super understanding and supportive, but I feel weird having brought it up Still waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist... Told my second person about my suicidal ideation",Suicidal +10646,"Does anyone feel like their family just does not get it? A little background...my whole family with the exception of my parents are on some sort of antidepressant. we are all trying to cope. Some of us are doing better than others. I am happy for them, a little jealous to be honest. Some background on me. I am married, father of two, 44. Still figuring out life, sorry to say it does not get easier. The last two years of my life have been a mess. My wife and I split and reconciled right before covid. For that I am glad. Over that time I took up painting as an outlet for my depression and something to do. it is helping. I am getting better and painting has opened some doors for me. Not enough to quit my day job unfortunately. But enough to make me want to keep on painting. My family acts supportive, but not in a satisfying way. So I guess I am looking for some sort of validation. Can anyone relate? Family",Depression +10647,"I am a 29 year old male and have had bad depression for most of my life. I have been to therapy and tried medication, meditation and wellness classes. I have read books on how to deal with stress and depression. I have in the past gone down some very dark paths but I have come to accept and try and learn all I can about my depression and how to cope with the stress that comes with it. And I have been very successful lately in conquering my demons. However lately, I have come into a lot more responsibilities and have been in a somewhat increasing stressful situations that has lately consumed me. The stress of the job and new responsibilities has been hard on my mental, sleep, mood.. hell the whole lot. And this stress is something that is only going to get worse as the job is very demanding. I am doing my best to take deep breaths and listen to music, do the things that help me relax. But nothing seems to be working. Just cannot kick this monkey on my back. Any suggestions on what keeps you guys cool and calm and thinking clearly during stressful situations or when those demons try crawling there way back.. would be appreciated! Ill take any suggestions at this point. I just want to catch my breath. Suggestions for coping with stress and depression.",Depression +10648,"My girlfriend is away visiting her parents for the week and she worries about me being alone for this long. She knows I am depressed and used to self harm. I have not in years, but she worries it will happen again. I admit I was addicted and get the urge to but I usually fight it off. Her constantly messaging me to make sure I am eating or if I am REALLY ok makes me feel like more of a loser than I already am. I know she does this because she cares and loves me but it makes me feel like she cannot trust me to be on my own without hurting myself. It almost makes me want to out of spite but all I can do is break down and cry. I need advice please",Depression +10649,Plz help Suicide,Suicidal +10650,"I was having a dream about her. At first it was comforting seeing her, and talking to her like we were still together. I kissed her, and things took a wrong turn shortly after that. She looked at me and told me she was in love with him, and that she hated me. I kept begging her to please stay with me. She shook her head, and repeated the same lines over and over again. I woke up in a panic. Anxiety overcame me. I grabbed my spare key to my gun safe and pulled out my M9. I collapsed to the floor, and put the barrel to my temple. I flicked the safety off, pulled the hammer back, and closed my eyes. My finger slowly squeezing the trigger. The hammer fell and all I heard was a click. The pistol was empty. I opened my eyes and broke down. I began to think about that small hair of hope I was holding on to. But even that looks so hazy to me. Even though I survived that day, the desire to die has never left my mind. I feel like she knows how I feel, and is just waiting for me to die so I can stop being a problem for her. My latest attempt three weeks ago",Suicidal +10651,"I (27f) have worked so hard the past 10 years to build a life that would make me happy. I was at my lowest point and suicidal when I was 17. I have pushed so hard since then and took therapy really seriously. I took my medication religiously and never gave up on it. I had a few bumps along the way, but I always got up and worked hard to try to make a life for myself. Because that is what everyone said would help. No matter how much I cried at night or how much it hurt to get up in the mornings, I kept doing it because I thought that someday, *any day now*, that it would all click and that heavy feeling in my heart would go away.But here I am. A month away from my 28th birthday and I just want to give up. I am so fucking tired. I work 2 jobs and I never get a break. I live with my partner and my mother and I spend a lot of time taking care of them and the house. If something goes wrong, I take care of it. But no one takes care of me. that is my job too.Nothing I do matters. All of this is pointless. Everything hurts *all the fucking time* and no amount of crying and begging or medication or therapy has been able to make that go away. I want this to be over so bad. I cannot kill myself. It would completely ruin my mother and partner. I cannot check into a hospital for medical treatment. I will lose my jobs. And if I lose my jobs, I lose my healthcare which means I cannot pay for my medications and therapy anymore.So what is left? Doing this same bullshit over and over everyday until the end? Going to sleep every night praying to a make-believe god to please please please not let me wake up in the morning?Sorry you all. I am just really tired. I wish I could say ""it gets better"" but I do not think it will anymore. I have never been this close to giving up. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.",Depression +10652,For the longest time I have been under the suspension that everyone I come into contact with hates me. I am socially awkward annoying burdensome and terribly incompetent. Once I graduate college is when I am going to kill myself. I have pissed off too many people in my life. I feel like someone is going to spread rumors and destroy my career. Covid made me realize that I am worthless and the world would be better if I was dead Everyone secretly hates me,Depression +10653,I was hanging out with a guy I have known for a while and we had consensual sex and after that he would not stop even though I said it multiple times. I have been struggling with mental health for a while and this is putting me over. I have already cut and it did not help at all and I think tonight is the night that I am done. I was just assaulted (I think) and I am falling off the edge,Suicidal +10654,"disclaimer: i do not take antidepressants and i do not think ever will. i do not want to intermingle any ssri, snri or others alike with my current medication, adderall, due to concomitant risk factors.i feel like I am in a state of inertia i want to strive far and make progress in many different fields, and I am confident, but i do not take the steps to further reach my goals.I am 19 years old. just 12 months ago, i got my first job at petco. the experience was great i can proudly say i had a strong beneficial impact on both my peers and the people id meet on a daily basis. i was a very bubbly kid, a yes-man with a smiling face, willingness to see each of my peers have a better day, and loved to perform beyond expectations.unfortunately, the store ended up losing people, and those that remained turned lax. i eventually alternated from animal care and occasional stock-work to full-time at the register alone eight hours a day. this schedule quickly turned me into a robot, marred my social enjoyment, and stressed me out. what made matters worse is that my boss wanted me to force customers to sign up for our rewards program i would always ask them, list the positive facets and whatnot, but there would always be people that just wanted to get there stuff and book it, and a lot that would get angry at me. i did not force people because i did not want to look more like an advertisement drone. the stress impacted my respiration, heart rate, caffeine consumption and sleep. to keep from saying much more of it, i disappeared early into may without notice.since i quit, I have been playing the same video game (overwatch yeah i know) for at least 6 hours a day, sometimes up to 12. i love it, and i find myself most content when i play it, primarily because I am really good at it. after about a month of routinely doing this, i started to think about how i have even less of a life than i did when i was practically a vapid husk at petco.my room is big. adjunct bathroom and everything. extremely comfy bed, relaxing strip-lights, tranquil fan breezes... every person that has stepped foot in here has loved it. maybe its too comfy.my med stack is stupid-big. its mostly composed of nootropics and micronutrient supplements:- dextroamphetamine / amp. salts (adderall)- 5-htp- st. johns wort- ashwagandha- l-tyrosine- n-acetyl cysteine- sarcosine- vitamins b6, b12 and d3- ginkgo biloba- omega-3- magnesium cl. hexahydrate (topical)- l-theanine & gaba- calcium carbonate (tums)my diet is awful. i eat pizza, pb&j and fast food. i wish i ate fish and nutrient-rich foods, i really do. there is just something in me that tells me i will never eat it.i got my permit when i was 16. i tried driving back then, but eventually just stopped wanting to sometime before i turned 18. I am just scared to.i want to spend time with my friends and enjoy it, but after an hour of doing so i often end up wanting to isolate and tackle boring statistics or learn about some ridiculous topic just to do something.i wanted to go to college for pharmacology. my knowledge on the subject broadens every day, and i employ it to help people as much as i can and its worked.i used to listen to music. now i skip 80% of the tracks in my playlist. i used to feel butterflies within me when i spent time with my girlfriend, but even though i love her with every last fiber of my being, it does not feel the same.i have a novel presently with ~50k words. i love my literary tongue, and i would love to pursue it, but i just do not.all i do is play that one video game and read.is anybody else amid an inertia like this? any kind of comment would make me feel good. I am not sad nor 'feel' depressed at all, but I am definitely plagued with apathy, and know that I am going no where in life. what am i missing?",Depression +10655,Its been a recurring thought throughout my life. I have come to the final conclusion that its long past due. I am sorry to all the people I hurt. I am sorry to the girl I love that I was an awful partner because I had too much shit I just hid and kept under. I am fucking terrible. And its time. I have tried those helplines. They are useless and some of those people do not actually care. I do not deserve to exist,Suicidal +10656,Pls do not judge. I just hate everyone. So. Whenever I see talent or ingenuity anywhere I shun it. It all makes me feel inferior. I doubt anyone can relate,Depression +10657,"So it is currently 11:15 at night when I am writing this, so late night brain may be upping the anxiety. This is going to be a long one, but please stick with me. I am 14, and my parents have expressly forbidden any social media, and NSFW stuff. Both of these I am violating here willfully, and I do feel awful about it. Add that to my true identity as a trans girl which my parents do not know about and I do not want them to find out, a lot is riding on this secrecy. Today, though, my parents restated this ban on what I am doing, and threatened extreme punishment. I know I should really stop this, but my emotional happiness kind of depends on this account. My sexual frustration can be released, I can realize my true femininity, I can find communities and social interaction that I desperately need. The decision of whether I should keep doing what I am doing, quietly delete this account, or come clean and face the consequences is heavily weighing on me, to the point where I am actively feeling a little sick. What do I do? I really need some emotional support and advice. I know telling them is probably the morally right thing to do, but I have no way of knowing whether that will just make my suffering even more pronounced. For context, parents have said they will permanently take away all forms of screen time (my primary form of entertainment and stress relief) and my contact with friends. What do I do here? I need help in the biggest way. Moral dilemma",Depression +10658,"I have had my mind made up about killing myself and how I am going to do it for years, but I am not able to do it how I want yet. I am having some trouble not destroying my life in the meantime. For the last few days I have been watching the same music video over and over again because it feels safe. Today I spent the entire afternoon reading a book because it felt safe. Now I finished the book. I get stuck in bed a lot which makes me late to work and I wear the same clothes for days or even weeks at a time because picking a new outfit is too much. I spend a lot of money online trying to fill the sense of emptiness and put off doing important things like paying for my next semester of college. I am so tired, I wish I could just drop dead without having to do anything. At a loss",Suicidal +10659,do not care anymore. I do not enjoy anything I used to. My family talks to me twice a year. The only thing I have in life is my dog and I feel horrible for him that I am ready to end everything. what is the point in being miserable alive? Ready for the end,Depression +10660,"I really do not have a bad life outside of finances. I have a great husband and kids and cat and I enjoy doing things like art, watching horror movies and making food. However I hate always have to worry about money. I just got a job and it pays well but I just feel like its never enough. I feel that Ill never be able to buy a home that is mine, have a savings for emergencies like medical or the vet or a car breakdown and it makes me super depressed, anxious and angry. I hate having angry outbursts because I am worried about money. We do not spend money on things for ourselves (my husband and I) and on the rare occasion we do its like a take out dinner or something.I just hate how expensive everything is in this country and how when you are poor people believe you do not deserve to treat yourself ever, have pets and kids and that you did it to yourself. we have worked since before we were legally able to and have tried to give our kids a good life. They have not wanted for anything really as far as food, shelter, clothes, books and even toys. I just want to be comfortable though so I know I never have to worry about money. I do not want to have crazy expensive cars and bags and all that but a safe home, new clean furniture that is not old and scratched and a new reliable car. And it just depresses me so much that as hard as we try it just is a perpetual state of worry over money. Life is to short yet to be worry about money all the time but I just cannot help it. Its on my mind constantly and it makes me unable to eat. I fear checking the bank account after bills come out and I hate getting the mail everyday because I am always worried that its going to be some crazy bill I did not know about and bad news. Usually I am a hopeful person but my depression and anxiety has gotten way worse over the past few years. I did not have the best start in life like my peers in the area I lived in. They all have parents that put them through college, gave them money to start businesses or buy houses and I feel like a loser because I have had to do it all myself and my husbands story is the same. I always feel people look down on me because I am poor but I try so hard. I wish I could just get a little money to give myself a head start but I know that is not going to happen and I am just super depressed that I am stuck in this cycle that I cannot control. cannot go back to school for nursing like my dream because I have to work. I do not know how to pull myself out of these problems and this depression because I feel like there is now way out. I feel I would not be so bad off if I had money to live",Depression +10661,"I have everything good in life. Stable life, career and a loving partner but still i feel unhappy. I have everything in life i want and still feel so void. I have tried different things as distraction like hobbies but in the end it comes down to i do not know what is missing.I wake up with these thoughts all the time and sometimes it drags me to self harm. :(It cannot be looking for purpose as i have come to terms that life does not have a purpose and we have to create our own. what is wrong?",Depression +10662,"I cannot cope with the guilt of chasing my first love away when I was experiencing a PTSD Episode I cannot cope with my second love telling me he only loved the good side and that I looked emotionless all the time with a lifeless look in my eyesI cannot cope with my trauma, the memories are too much and it is been haunting me for yearsI've tried many times to kill myself but hopefully this time it works it is all too much to handle and I am sick of hanging on",Suicidal +10663,"Many have it worse I am probably just weak. I suffer from complex PTSD. On the outside I am what others need to see. I laugh, joke, work. I have to white knuckle life. Inside I am already dead. No hope of ever being better. Sexually abused for years, emotionally abused, neglect, no safe adult, multiple rapes. I am broken and there is no repair I love.my husband and boys. Just want to die peaceful and without traumatizing others.Hoping for a terminal illness since that is the only acceptable way die with dignity. I suffer every day for decades. I have tried meds, over 2 decades of therapy, ketemine treatments, meditation, acupuncture, gratitude. I put in the work and effort. Just let me die with dignity already. Taking a shower is overwhelming. People say suicide is selfish. Forcing a person to suffer for decades is selfish. I am 45 and do not expect to live much longer. I hope it ends soon. I am tired. I just want peace. Hopeless and dead inside",Suicidal +10664,"Basically bro when you die you gon feel all the pain you put people thru, So if you kill yourself you gon suffer way more because you going to feel the constant pain everyone will be on because of you. So think twice, there is light at the end of the tunnel we here to suffer but we warriors we all going to make it. Why suicide is worst than living",Suicidal +10665,"30 days from now I will be 16. It feels surreal to be honest. My entire life up to this point has just been a disappointing miserable mush of trauma and the desire to let it end already. In all honesty its been like this all my life. For almost as long as I can remember, slowly becoming more and more obvious as time went on. Life does not feel real, just a lump of memories, few good, mostly bad and a dream like feeling. Like there is not someone in there, just a she will of what a human ought to be. One of my first memories is being six and looking in the mirror and hating how I did not ""look and act like a person"" and comparing myself to my classmates. They looked like people. They acted like people. I did not feel like one. It terrified me back then that I was going to be an adult, probably because of how different a child and an adults responsibilities were. I remember being nine, and being petrified that I was halfway to becoming an adult. I want to go back to that state. I am scared. Scared of turning 18. When I was 12 and the awful became worse I promised myself I would kill myself at 16 if things did not get better. Shortly after that I changed it to 18, maybe its because that back part of my brain was a coward, but I convinced my self it was because my family would have to see my body. My disgusting ugly self with an equally atrocious brain. And here I am, almost approaching the age that has scared me all my life. 760 days until I am 18. I truly do not ever think I will escape this depressing mindset I locked myself into so young. I am empty, I am emotionally drained and ready to go missing for weeks before my body is finally discovered decaying in some forest. I do not know how I will die. I do not know if ill be able to kill myself on the exact day I turn 18. Not that it would matter. Nobody would care if I died. My parents certainly would not, they are the ones who watered this miserable seed of,,whatever this is in my head. They do not even leave their rooms anymore. Not that I care. Being around them any longer then humanly necessarily would just make me feel worse. My life honestly feels so wasted. I can barely eat something without feeling like I am going to vomit. Its this constant sense of nausea. Why did I have to be born into this body? Why this brain? Why do I feel like I am watching a car crash behind a foggy windshield everyday? what is wrong with me? Can a truck just crash threw my house and kill me lol. I wish I did not get up when I tripped that one time while I crossed the street when I was younger. Face smashed in with no chance of living, and I get seen as this tragic death of a young girl and my parents and classmates might have actually pretended to like me for a week or two. Oh well.Sorry for this, I do not know why my brain is being so bad in particular. Maybe its the insomnia talking. Most days I can suck it up and just keep it in my head, or write a little two paragraph vent that scratches the surface of my stupid idiotic thoughts. But hey, pitbulls been there done that so maybe I am just much more weak willed then I put on. Thanks for listening, lol. The Final Chapter of my life has begun.",Suicidal +10666,"""Depressed people do not want to be happy, they want to be unhappy to confirm their depression. If they are happy they are not depressed and they have to go out into the world to live, which can be depressing."" \- From the movie Closer Depressed ppl",Depression +10667,"So I am a week into taking Wellbutrin. About day 5 I had a few hours where I literally FELT things. Happiness, my surroundings, everything felt magical. And then the next day I am just irritable and anxious. The first two days were pretty awesome as well minus the odd dreams. And I notice I sleep longer than normal on wellbutrin as well so far. But yeah. Right now I am anxious. Depression is kind of worse. Abd I have the odd feeling in my right abdomen. does not hurt to touch but I can feel it flare up occasionally. Not painful. But definitely worried it is messing up my liver or something dangerous. Anyhow. I have been dealing with a pretty gnarly depression since having covid last year and I was hoping that this would help since SSRIs do not agree with me. Also, I have not noticed any improvement in libido. In fact, sometimes cannot even sustain an erection while taking this. Although I did wake up with a surprisingly good one last night Anyhow, just seeing if anyone had any advice or similar experiences. Feeling pretty down right now :( Wellbutrin side effects",Depression +10668,"Hi, I know that probably nobody is interested in listening to this, but I am trying anyways because I have nothing to lose already.I am stuck on a life that seems to not get any better.I lost one of my best friends because of a bad decision that cannot be retracted, I am stuck on a job which I do not see myself getting out of. And worst of all, I feel that everyday I am losing who I am, and I just need to get this pain out, just feel a bit of enjoy on my life. I am tired of fighting for what I think is right: caring for other, looking for friends, searching for the good for everyone (even me). This has only brought on me pain and dread, I cannot be the person that I wanted to be and that makes me empty. I do not feel to be a bad person, I cannot ignore other people's emotions, and if I am made fun of it, I am being called fucking stupid for it, for everyone I know, maybe its that I am not made to be in this world. Sorry for being this negative on this text (and for my bad english and grammar), but I am so lost and with a little of bravery, I am going to attemp to kill myself.Thanks for reading this if you reached to the end of this. I am on the verge of ending it all",Depression +10669,"I am not sure if this is the right place to post it but summer started recently and my and 2 of my friends go, i have type one diabetes and keratosis pilaris , when we go they usually wear shorts and a tshirt but i feel uncomfortable wearing shirts as it leaves my arms out and I am insecure about those bu having keratosis pilaris all over my body so when we go i usually wear a long sleeve top in and joggers in 30 degree weather, i feel like they fuel it more, they know ik insecure about my KP and t1d but they use it against me when we have the little arguments i usually just shut up after that, they were friends together before i joined them and i really do not have anyone else to go too if i do retaliate when they go too far with the jokes i have told them so many times i do not want to hear it but they always keep it, they do not argue with eachother it always feels like they gang up on me on EVERYTHING , everything it feels like I am restricted i. What i wear since if my FRIENDS are saying this stuff about me and making me feel like shit ahout it then what are strangers going to say, i do not know what to do and its stopping me fron seeing them as much, also in 15 Hiding my insecurities",Depression +10670,"Hi, I am a female in my mid 20's, I have been struggling with depression most of my life but did not really aknowledge it until my teen years. I do not know how severe my depression is but what I do know is that it keeps getting worse. I lack interest in everything I do and most of the stuff I want to do I put them off and get bumed when I do not do it. I have thought of suicide in my teen years, I tried to act on it once but did not go through it, right now this thought is way more present each day. I feel that one day when I am alone and depressed I might act on it, I am just tired of this feeling that nothing is worth it, that I am wasting my life just being sad. I am going to therapy, have 6 months in therapy now but I feel nothing is working, I have tried to be more positive, I just feel so damn alone and that the only way to stop this feeling is finishing my life. I know I have a lot of people that loves and cherish me but something is missing. This gets worse every day",Depression +10671,I feel like shit lol. I hate my feelings and personality and all my issues The worst thing about missing someone is knowing that they do not miss you,Suicidal +10672,"i have no other options but to go on anti depressants. I have been suffering with chronic depression since I was 12. I am 22 in September. I have gone through sexual assault and developed PTSD bc of it. I also have a severe ridiculous anxiety disorder plus a history with anorexia and other eating disorders. Through all this time I have tried everything to pull myself out of the shithole, I went through a period of time where I was addicted to hard exercise, I spend a lot of time pouring time into my career which is my life long passion, have been going tk therapy for a year and a half. last year things got so bad for me and I felt so deeply alone that I got myself a puppy. Right now she is the ONLY reason I go outside and get 10 thousand steps daily. I really was hoping that my pup could make me feel less lonely, but she is actually quite detached. In her 7 months of life I have never been able to cuddle with her - she does not like it, and I am not going to force her. She tends to gravitate to my mother much more despite the fact that I am the person who feeds her, walks her, trains her and generally takes care of her hygiene. I have realized recently that this might be because I am filled with nothing but negative, putrid energy, which makes sense how a young pup might not want to be around me. I still love her deeply but yet again I have reached another disappointment where I just keep being a problem.The only reason I refuse to go on medication is because I do not want to gain weight as a result, I know not all medicines do this, but most will do it. My self esteem is already below hell and if my eating disorder is triggered I might actually kms. Its stupid, but I just refuse. I hate being alive. this is stupid",Depression +10673,"At this point idk what I am feeling so I am just looking for a little help I guess. For about 8 months I have been in the same draining cycle of wanting to disappear. Not even disappear I guess more just like never to have existed. I feel so alone and honestly just weird. I tried to explain it to one person a few months ago but cannot exactly stitch together the correct sentences to make it comprehensible. But I feel like everything is paper, flimsy and like I am about to fall over or fly away. Everything is draining even the idea of sleeping is too much for my body to handle, which is weird because I thought depressed people loved to sleep, but somehow sleeping just makes things worse. I feel stuck in this bubble where I do not feel anything. Its worse than a fog. I can see things around me but I do not feel like I am apart of them. I also have totally separated myself from everyone socially. I never was one to have many friends, but I have recently deleted and removed all of my accounts and friends from said accounts. I have blocked all numbers besides two people and honestly do not feel any remorse, even though I have known some of them for several years. I also have some other things bothering me but am not very good at describing them. Thank you to whoever listens. Is it depression?",Depression +10674,"Why has my appetite vanished completely? On most days, I do not feel hungry and my appetite has vanished totally. It could be related to gherlin, according to my psychotherapist. I have tried a few different medications, but they have not helped me at all. Why has my appetite disappeared completely?",Depression +10675,Well looks like I have to wear socks again bc I am fixing to self harm why is life like this I was just coloring and I had these thoughts I am 15 why does this happen to me help me dear lord please somebody I am begging pleading help me I am done help me pls I am begging pleading even,Depression +10676,"I am exercising, working, sleeping 8 hours, eating more often (I struggle with appetite), and seeing friends... Yet I still fucking hate everything. it is not fucking working and I have been going at it for a bit now. If anything I feel worse putting in this effort but getting no results. I look great on paper but every day is agony. When does it get better and why do people say to do this shit if it does not even fucking work? Is this some joke?? I have even tried to lie to myself and say I am happy all damn day but then I just SNAP because I am sick of lying to myself. I think some of us are just meant to be this way huh? Why will not anyone just give it to me straight and tell me I am meant to be miserable? that is my fucking purpose in life. To stay alive and miserable for everyone else. it is not working",Depression +10677,"I used to think I was isolating from people, but it seems like more than ever people are isolating from me.Why?Especially in my worst times... I feel like I am always there for people when they are at their worst but they are never there for me.Makes me wonder why I even reach out.Makes me wonder why I even try. Drifting away",Depression +10678,"Hello everyone, first time posting here.So I have been suffering from depression for years now, but i think it has never been this bad.I am currently facing issues with my boyfriend, that affect me economically and emotionally.I have stopped enjoying things, I used to really enjoy going to college lessons (even if they were virtual), now I cannot be bothered to work on my homework or even get up to class.I hate my job so much and this has also affected my mental health in the last year, since I cannot take a leave of absence or vacations I am stuck in this job that has made me think about killing myself several times now, but I cannot quit cuz I need the money.I really feel like I have no purpose in life, nothing brings me joy anymore.My body is stuck in bed, I cannot move, I feel just so hopeless I will not bother being alive anymore.I really want to die, I feel like such a zombie due to all the stress and depression I am currently going through I really would not mind getting run over on the street if that gives me peace once and for all. I feel numb",Depression +10679,"I do not know how to introduce this text, I just know that that probably nobody is interested in listening to this but I am just need a push to end it all.I am on my twenties and I know I have all my life waiting for me, but I am not achieving any of my life goals or my dreams, I lost one of my best friends because a bad decision some months ago, I lost my partner, I am stuck on a horrible job which I do not see myself getting out of it so my life is currently at a point that the only way to getting better is to end it. Simply, I do not have the strenght to keep pushing forward, I fought enought for what I though it was the good way of doing things... Luvibg I am on the verge of ending it all",Depression +10680,I had another failed suicide today wrist still hella red getting that post attempt grief I do not want to go Into details on my whole life story but just kill me please I am on my knees begging just do it please Just kill me,Depression +10681,I am so upset with what my life has come to. I really want to die sometimes. I want to meet God and be happy forever. This life Is full of pain. I am going back out on my balcony now. Stood on my balcony in the pouring rain for an hour and just cried,Suicidal +10682,"If I did not wake up tomorrow, no one would careLife sucks. I work hard 5-6 days a week. I have had a lot of anxieties since I was a child and never had many friends growing up because maybe people thought I was weird for being so shy and timid due to all my anxieties. My home was very hard growing up. My dad was hardly home either working or at a bar coming home very late and drunk. My mom used me as a dependent and still does which is exhausting. Keep in mind I am (33 f) years old. My family bullied me physically and emotionally growing up. Calling me all kinds of names and that I could not ever do anything. I have had very little friends and have been hurt by friends and even family down the road. It is almost impossible for me to trust people. I feel so unloved and so Insignificant and small. Every time I have always tried to do the right thing or do good, something has always come my way to destroy it. I cannot even look forward to anything anymore because I do not trust anything good will happen. I have gotten so used to things crumbling in front of me. I wake up most days angry at the fact that I woke up and that I want to end my life but am too much of a coward to do so. I guess I just need to finally bite the bullet and do it...... that is all folks It would not matter if I did not wake up tomorrow!",Suicidal +10683,"Honestly, I am a real piece of shit human. I claim to be such a good Latter Day Saint but in reality I am not. I have strong hatred for a lot of things, and I have caused my family so much stress and pain. I am toxic and controlling when it comes to my Fianc and I pray that he finds someone better. He deserves the best and I am FAR from it. I have been in and out of therapy for so long but I am just mentally fucked. I grieve for my parents, friends, fianc and everyone else who has had the displeasure of knowing me. I feel awful for everything I have done in life. I am a lowlife loser, I cannot seem to get the will to finish college, and work has me tired out. Anyways, my fianc is going into the military. I want to wait until he is gone, and pray that he does not find out until he finished training. I want to make it look like an accident or missing persons case. I do not want anyone to know I did it to myself. I am trying to figure things out. I hate trying to plan this, and I am hoping for some miracle that my next 20 days of intensive therapy can turn it around for me. I highly doubt it tho. I think its time for the trash to take itself out. Needed to rant, had no where else to do it. Idc if nobody else hears me. Planning the end",Suicidal +10684,How do you cope with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness? Loneliness,Depression +10685,I would like to die. that is it. simple.I would really like to not suffer anymore.i cannot turn my brain off from just wanting to die all the time. wishing i could die.,Suicidal +10686,"So, outside looking in I have a great life. Better than the average person in my country (Kenya) . My parents have worked hard and I have grown up in a good home with more than enough food on the tableI feel so lucky but I hate being here, I always feel like I do not deserve any of this and wish I could give someone underprivileged or better deserving my opportunities. I feel like I am forced to be here because I have 'so much' to live for, because my life is ""great"" and other people fight everyday for a fraction of the opportunities that I just have at my disposal. But I do not want this, I just want to leave, I want to forfeit I do not feel like I will ever make it in whatever I am doing, that I will never be good enough, nd living everyday just postpones my death to a time where it will be harder to leave. I failed a ton of classes in my first year of college because I just could not focus with this everlasting cloud above my life and I just feel more guilty knowing my parents are paying a lot of international tuition and I am just wasting all of itI do drugs to escape and now they are just another problem in my life, another reason for me to hate myself I always dream about feeling nothing, going far away, maybe out to sea, and dying without a trace just so my family does not get as hurt They all believe in me but I do not and not for many years I have hated myself forever Life is just depressing for me and I think about dying more every dayMaybe we are cursed But I am tired of fighting, tired of getting by because I have toI'm just tired I am tired",Suicidal +10687,In the midst of the adversity..I continue to display my curiosity..In the way the red flows down my wrists..Down the drain.Forever I will be stuck..Between the sensation of willing and dying..For the battle rages on..Between body and mind..Between what my heart truly wants and what my mind prohibits me to accomplish.For my selfish desires would kill those around me..When in truth..The only spirit I want dead..Is my own. A poem,Depression +10688,"So now my acne has become 2x worse. I have 2 painful pimples under my nose and on my chin, and a massive cyst on my cheek. And I *still* have horrible scarring. Screw acne. I cannot emphasize enough how much its ruined my self esteem. I thought it was improving, but of course not. The only saving grace here is that I am seeing a derm soon and maybe hell give me the pill, because I am honestly not interested in using a bunch of antibiotics or topicals that might not even work. I have tried dieting, exercise, moisturizing and drying the heck out of my face, but this has always stuck with me. Id cut off my hand if it meant clear skin. I have considered necking myself but I held back because I know I have a chance, but if that slips away, I think that will tip me over. What the hell.",Suicidal +10689,"so I recently failed out of my graduate diploma program that was supposed to help accelerate my career as a CPA.I feel so defeated knowing I put everything I had into this program but just falling short. I feel like I let myself down along with everyone around me who continues to support me, some know and some I cannot bring up the courage to tell Bc I am so embarrassed.I have the option to go it on my own now and do the course online myself while working full time, I am scared I am not going to be enough again and scared to fail again.Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement on how failing helped them in the future or share a similar experience and how you turned it around? failing",Depression +10690,"I had the knife in my hand, pressed against my wrist and I could not do it. It was not a revelation that I wanted to live again, but my own fear that it might hurt, that I might mess it up, that my family would walk in on it part way through and try to stop me. I thought about what the aftermath might be like. How it would be wrong for the last thing I ever do to be to upset everyone I care about. I do not have the will power to live, but I do not have the courage to die. I could not do it, I am a coward",Suicidal +10691,"Probably is not the right subreddit to post this in but I just want opinions.What should I do with myself?Should I enlist in the military?I know some people are automatically going to say yes but I want some honest opinions.Basically I am 23 years old and I feel completely lost in life. I am still living with my parents, I am working as a janitor at a school, I have a useless college degree, I have never had a girlfriend or been on any dates. Even though I am young I just feel like I am already failing miserably. I frequently consider suicide as a serious solution. I was going to enlist in the military right out of high school. However, I took four years of HS JROTC and absolutely hated it. My experience with ROTC ruined my view of the military and I decided not to join. Now here I am five years later and I am not sure what to do.Now here is my other issue. I have very bad anxiety. Like I live in a constant state of anxiety and I am pretty sure I have depression because I actively consider suicide frequently. I get stressed out very easily and I feel very stupid because I frequently misinterpret simple instructions (which honestly might just be anxiety setting me off in the wrong direction but still). I am also not physically fit in any capacity, I can hardly perform push ups. I only recently started considering enlisting again because some people have told me that joining the military helped them a lot with their lives and I am just wanting some honest opinions on if anyone thinks I should join or if I should figure something else out. What should I do in life?",Depression +10692,"I posted this in another community and got a lot of comments of saying that I may have depression. I never thought that I would have depression, but someone said that its possible to have it but not know it. I am putting strain on my marriage, and I do not know how to fix it.Hello Everyone,I am a boring and emotionless person and I cannot really find anything to fix it. Its really putting a strain on my marriage because I can see my wife wanting something more. I just do not know if its from my past or if its a hormonal thing. I am only 22 and I should be a lot more out there. My wife says its from my past and how my father was not really there and my mother was not really worth looking up to. And that because of all that I was never taught how to love a woman. My wife also said I should see a therapist about it. But I do not know how talking with someone will help. So, I am reaching out here first. I believe it has to do something with my testosterone or something because I just never feel like doing anything fun.And one thing that I really do not understand is why my sex drive is so low. Like I stated earlier. I am 22 years old. I should want to always have sex. And I feel like that is also putting some strain on our marriage too. What do you think?",Depression +10693,"I do not show it when I am out, but today I came home and my shoes were dirty. I got ridiculously angry and starting tearing up. I was actually having a good day, was not sad, but I keep like I have this tension I have to release. Its like I have energy. I guess Ill mention I was fasting, but I just ate and I am not angry anymore but I still feel this sort of tension I have to release. This is one of the main reasons why I binge eat, I get this adrenaline I need to release and my day just seems way too boring. I do not understand, sometimes I so irritable for no reason? Like even if I am having a good day. Fasting is supposed to make you feel good, I was having a good day, felt pretty, but then I get into these angry/sad moods where I just want to scream at everyone? I am able to hide it at work but I get so angry over stupid things and I just do not get it. I still sorta feel it, I do not know if its like, sadness, arousal. I just have this tension I need to let out!Could it be bipolar? Adhd? I have heard of BPD but I feel like that is the same at bipolar. Idk I do not think I just have depression because I have lots of happy moments but then fall into sadness. A lot of it comes from my eating disorder. Opinions? Super angry and little things?",Depression +10694,"Today was supposed to be one of the last times I would be on Earth. Figured I would end it on a high note, and then in about like 5 days I would end it. Me and my four friends had visited a really nice China food place today. One of them even paid for my food. did not eat a lot because I figured ""what was the point?"". I had been pretty occupied with my thoughts. I feel selfish for that. A bit of time passed and we were walking to a hardware store specifically for rope, as I had to go there anyway. They were closed, and we sat down for a good 30 minutes. I decided to tell them how long I have been self harm free, 14 days and 16 hours at this point of writing this. I was not expecting it, but both of my friends hugged me. I have not hugged anyone for a long time, at least a couple years. I almost broke down. The most important people to me in my life, hugged me. I feel the happiest I have ever In such a long time. My best friend saved me",Suicidal +10695,I am somewhere in between. Like a fucking zombie i do not want to be here yet I am. A mindless fuck wondering around and cannot figure it out. it is been about 9 months since my suicide attempt. Most days I feel like dying and the others I am just too tired to give a fuck. I imagined at this point post suicide attempt I would be running a suicide survivors group but could not be further away from that. I am too scared to try again for fear that I will just fuck more shit up and be unsuccessful again. Before my attempt everyone thought I was doing great despite my constant outreaching for help with things. I feel like a fucking mess inside. I go to counseling and psychiatric appointments constantly. I take meds. I am fucking trying yet still drowning. I do not what I am getting at but this fucking sucks and I am sick of it! Not dead. Not living.,Suicidal +10696,"I read some of the posts and ... I feel nothing... WHY do not I FEEL ANYTHING?I am supposed to relate or feel something, but I feel nothing, I feel frustrated, why do you exist? Why do we exist? I want the answers, I want... I think I want to die! It got worse.",Depression +10697,"Seeing that message was the happiest I have ever, EVER, EVER been, and I am not even kidding.So of course it was just a dream.I wish there was some kind of operation I could have that would just absolutely KILL, MURDER, AND DESTROY any part of my brain that gives me hope or let us me feel anything. I am going to do the same thing every damn day for the next 40 years until I die (I am not going to commit suicide or even think about it), unless I get cancer or AIDS or Ebola or whatever disease people do not actually survive. I am on three different fucking medications to manage my mood and it is not helping, and I am not about to pay $50 for some bullshit therapist to tell me to 'breathe deep and look on the bright side'.THEREISNOFUCKINGBRIGHTSIDEYOUSTUPIDTWAT!!!!! I thought my best friend, who does not want to talk to me anymore, messaged me last night.",Depression +10698,I feel lost. I feel bad when my family accuses me of not being responsible with my money. Or they call me cheap because I learned to be frugal. I spend $600 a month on doctors and medication. I am trying my best. I found out it is not depression. Its chizophrenia. I have not told anyone. I feel like I am already dead but somehow I have to pretend to be a real person. Instead of just resting in a grave. I feel like someone is punishing me. Am I even real? Who is my puppeteer? I just want to be okay. I feel lost.,Depression +10699,"My relatives had invited me over for a personal holiday I have. I was invited to stay a few days ago but one relative made a hurtful comment which made me decide not to go that day. I went out with my SO yesterday. When I planned to go today, I was feeling ill and needed to lie down for a little while, and when I woke up, I was told not to come because it was late in the day. I was told I can go tomorrow, but my sibling told me I would have to keep quiet the rest of the days of the week because of work. My sibling seems to have control over the parent. I am depressed, I feel I cannot celebrate, it will involve a lot of traveling so I am not even sure I should go. This day was really going to be important to me. Basically, I do not think I will have a good day after a celebration tomorrow. I know it will be unpleasant, hurtful, and full of stress the rest of the week. Please tell me what you think and give me advice on how I should handle it. I Was Told It Was My Fault My Day Was Ruined",Depression +10700,"I have reached a point where i no longer want to be happy, regardless of whether i deserve it or not. I am completely cool with hating my life and being utterly alone all the time. dissociating and floating through every day is something I have learned to accept, and attempting once every month or two is something that is become a normal part of my routine. its nothing weird to me.i neglect myself not because i feel sorry for myself, but because i just do not feel like any of this is actually real. sedating myself every day makes me feel so much better than having a good day and getting impostor syndrome from it. I am fine with living this way. i do not care anymore. i tried to fight it and it did not work. can anyone else relate? I am content with being suicidal.",Suicidal +10701,"8th grade:Name-calling and paper throwing (first 2 months) Physical abuse (Rest of year)9th grade:The same shit\--- I tried to man up and beat some of the guys up, but the whole class jumped me. Even when I tried to defend myself, I was beaten up. No one liked my isolation, I did not know what I did wrong""Was it my looks, was it my attitude, was it the way I spoke, what was it?"" Most of my questions \---10th Grade: First friend 'L', second friend 'S', third friend 'Sh'... do not remember the other 2They were nice, they treated me as a friend, but deep down I knew they were going to find something to hurt me, I knew it! \[They did not.\]Every conversation changed me, I was happier.I met my first ""Love"". I fall in love easily, and all girls were somewhat nice, but she... She was not perfect! For the first time, I liked a girl that did not look great! She was... She was not ordinary! I felt like I was talking to someone who was real, someone who I thought was perfect, my other half, the one who I cannot be...After getting to know her for a while... Did I start to slowly feel that maybe now was the time to ask her out? No, I stopped. For a while, I stopped... For a full year, I tried to get to know her, but I could not! Dammit!I got to know her through texts, and... and I found out who she was, the resonance I felt, it was not just surface level, she had her own issues too, and I felt like I could relate to herI asked her out and then! AND THEN I FUCKING FAILED! HAHAHA, I got so angry, wow. I insulted her so fucking badly, I thought I was the definition of insult... I... I do not know if it was depression or my stupidity at the time... It... It felt right! I started loving destruction!Expectations? Destroy them!Families? Destroy them!I became destructive, I loved destruction! No joke, I really really really hated people - for no good reason! \---I do not know what is wrong with me! Because of lost love, my mind broke. I am decaying slowly! Every time I recover, I decay again, thinking thinking... I failed, I failed, I failed, all the fucking time, no matter what I do fial. athere's nothing I can do fuck all I can do.And worst of all, I do not know what is wrong&#x200B;I used to love Manhua, Manga, and Manhwa, but now I hate them because of petty reasons.I used to love music but dropped it for petty reasons.I used to love my family, but now I hate them, they are holding me back from my suicide! Fucking shitheads I need help trying to understand my mental state",Depression +10702,that is all I have to say. Doing it this weekend,Suicidal +10703,"27M broken up with by 25F of 4 years nearly 2 months ago. I have barely slept, when I do its nightmares. She has already moved on, in the first 2 weeks with men bigger and stronger than me. I feel so pathetic, so helpless. I have no relief. I drive for hours and hours with no destination. I cannot focus at work, I hate everyone in the same city that she is in. I cannot live without her. I do not know how to continue on. My therapist told me I need to lean into this and deal with the pain as it comes. It is unbearable, I feel like I am drowning. I cannot Live Without Her",Depression +10704,"My parents hate each other so I should not even exist. I did not ask to be born so why should I be thankful? I lived my childhood in a hospital thinking I just had to survive to live with a loving family just so that when I come back none of them show me love anymore and my dad become abusive. Nobody get me out of there, outside of the close family they do not even believe me, my own grandmother blame me for my own abuse and talk like her son of 70 year old is the victim or his daughter of 16 year old. 10 years like this of developing mental illness because of this asshole and now I do not want to stay at this place that never been a home to me and who will help me? Who? I rather die. I do not want to keep living just to be fucked over by people because that is all they have to give me. I do not want to be alive because being alive mean being vulnerable to suffering and I do not want to suffer anymore. I have enough to try to live. Life obviously do not want me and I am tired to try. I wish I never been born",Suicidal +10705,"I have been struggling with these thoughts my whole life, I am a 20 year old female I did not have the best childhood and I know that comes with the trauma, and the thoughts and having to heal But I have been to therapy, I have taken my meds, i reach out, I have even institutionalized myself and its just so lonely. I live with my sister and grandmother, and I am 100% sure not a single soul would check up on me to even find out maybe after 2 days? 3 days? if i do not leave my room maybe they would wonder, but none of my friends would think its abnormal and please do not say reach out to someone I have reached out to everyone and anyone around me if someone wanted to be there they would be and i do not blame anyone for not being there because its their choice its a lot to deal with when someone is feeling well like ending it because what else is there. My whole life has been full of abuse, and just being there for myself I have taught myself everything even just basic hygiene shit I have a full time job, I make pretty good amount of $$, I have traveled I have seen other countries and states, i meet people and i go out i try to distract myself, but when i get home that void is there and its been there longer than I can remember, the earliest I have felt these thoughts I was merely 5 years old and they have never left and I am not worried about people missing me, I truly feel and believe the loss of my life would not effect people. there is not a single soul that comes to mind that I think would even think about my death for even a week and i have no one to talk to so I have just been reading posts on here and thought id let it out i do not know what else to do",Suicidal +10706,"Our education system is too much knowledge based. They do not teach life skills, improve personality, many topics like mental health, dating, sex education, Household repairs/ maintenance, marriage, raising kids, etcWe just never learn some important stuff and hence suffer which were never taught. Anybody thinks education system is to blame?",Suicidal +10707,Wow for days I have been worried about this and now that I have less then 24 hours I some how feel good more calm then I have been in a long time I am still scared but I am looking forward to it I will be leaving 2 notes 1 at my house and 1 on my body not saying goodbye to anyone in particular just bye because I the truth is I cut off everyone myself because I knew this time was coming and I did not want anyone to feel hurt because I was dead so for years I have worked on being as alone as possible I thought my parents abused me my mum would constantly tell me how dumb I was and I would burn in hell my dad was a angry person that beat my mum my earliest memory is of him hitting my mum. As my mum would put it years later I would not go to sleep without a beating in other words every night I got a beating for one reason or another. But this all was not true for my brothers at least that is what I believed my school life was bad I am dyslexic af and I used to be the small weak kid so I got bullied constantly really badly to the point teachers joined in on it as well so I got low grades and extra beatings until I got into college where I stopped getting bullied but I was 18 and never had a frienda year and half after that at the age of 20 my dad died that then my mum got depressed so I quit college and started to work 2 jobs to help support my mum and brothers a year and a half after that my mum died that was sad idk why I never liked her so instead of dealing with these emotions I did what my dad told me buried the emotions deep inside they used to boil up in the form of angerI went and got another 2 jobs I was on average sleeping 2-4 hours per night working non stop to support my brothers because that is what was expected of me I got engaged by the age of 23 through some arranged marriage my uncles and auntie set up but a week before the marriage my older brother told me he put me in a ton of debt(almost 100k) so my marriage got called offI had 2 in my account I was 25 by this point I tried to get back on the grind again but I could not my older brother left I could not bring myself to take him to court and over the years everyone told me my older brother was Fing me over even my younger brother was crying saying to me he is Fing you over I did not listen now I cannot look them in the eyes but now both of them have completed university i do not know what they do but they have jobs where you wear a suitI never gave any time to myself it was always about what was expected of me. Yeah I know sounds like a easy life but I feel burnt out always getting kicked down i did grow to be empathetic because nobody showed me any This is my life pathetic human that did nothing in his life and will die at 29 with nothing 24 hours to go my life,Suicidal +10708,"LONDON, UK - Can travel as I drive. I have been in a depressive state for a while and I have neglected my hair quite badly. Does anyone recommend a kind and/or sympathetic hairdresser who I could have a consultation with? Many thanks, Any recommendations welcome",Depression +10709,"I can no longer articulate the prolonged suffering that is my existence. The misery, the loneliness, the sorrow, and the anguish should all be worth a thousand words. Yet, as I acknowledged it is simply not possible to undertake the expansive task that is examining and assessing my despair.I have never had a single friend in my life. I have researched everything that there is to research about making friends, human behaviors, etc.I just have a natural fundamental deficiency/misunderstanding of human procedures. These problems will follow me my entire life and once you have awareness of the human condition, with no hope of overcoming it, it becomes definitive proof that life is not worth living. I seem to lack the natural stillness that everyone else seems to possess. In my opinion, the key to happiness in life is harmony with oneself, acceptance of that which cannot be changed, and a determination to change that which is indeed malleable, a consistent self-awareness and perpetual thought on how to be the best version of oneself and to respect all life in all its forms no matter what. The problem is the things that I need to fix are not malleable. They should be natural. You should be born with them. I feel ungrateful because I have such a mundane life. I have not been abused, raped, neglected, or anything like that. I have no trauma.I know a lot of the answers will be some variation of how I should learn to be alone. You can not ""learn"" to be alone. Few people chose to be completely and utterly alone. I want to fix it yet, it is simply not possible. There is no cure. There has to be something I am missing. I rationalize this all the time. There has to be some kind of resounding character flaw I am missing.I find myself slowly become a bitter resentful person. Seeing people live so normally and naturally angers me. Socialization to them is breathing. It requires no thought. They have everything I want.I find that the few things that brought me happiness no longer work. I can not even bring myself to read a book because my brain is so preoccupied with these obsessive thoughts of unhappiness.I define myself as a victim of the world.My suicide will be soon. I define myself as a victim of the world. My suicide will be soon.",Suicidal +10710,"For as long as I can remember me and my parents have fought. Even my sister and me, and it feels like one fight turns into all of the. Against me but I feel completely unable to avoid conflict as much as I try. I am sitting alone in the dark and feel like I am circling the void and it is terrifying because I do not want to do anything bad but I do not know how to talk to them about how I feel without it turning into a fight or abuse of their parenting. Sometimes they just feel threatening and I get anxious if we fight in the kitchen around knives. Is this me or is it them? I feel like I cannot stand up for myself without a fight starting which ends in me being alone and feeling horrible Feeling hated",Depression +10711,being beaten by parents is not very fun lol. i want to leave this house.,Depression +10712,I have taken the time to talk to a center for mental health to seek help after a series of events in my life caused me to realize that I really need help. I am proud of myself. The first step was hard to do but it is a good feeling once it is been planted. I hope all for you that are struggling can take that step. I made the first step tonight.,Depression +10713,"I do not even know why I am fucking writing this. The last few years I have had on/ depression (if you can call it that). But this feels the worst I have really been. I am numb inside like just flat lined, nothing. I have had cbt therapy, counselling sessions, anti depressants before and whole bunch of other crap that only works for a short time. I slowly realised that most of my life has been trauma or abuse from family, environment, education, health, friends, girlfriends, life. I recently realised that a day does not go by where I do not get a fucking flashback to the past to a bad situation and that I do not have any happy memories. Being back at home for the summer with my parents till I am back at university has definitely not helped. I feel like I have accomplished nothing with my life. 28 years old, no savings, no life, living with parents that have issues themselves. I know I am not in a good place right now but I do not care anymore, I have no fight left inside. I actually want to die.I have always helped people, fixed shit that needed to, been the fucking foundations and rock for other people in the past and think to myself what wasted effort. As selfish as it sounds, no one actually cares about me, no one wants me, no one gives a crap, and this is something I have realised time and time again. I am always alone, everything I do, I do it by myself. No one shows up to any birthdays or they cancel for the last 15 years so I do not bother and spend it by my self. I feel like I fall in the cracks of every aspect of life. I understand that I should be grateful for the things that I have, but Id give that all up and do anything to remember what true happiness feels like one last time. I Used to make an effort with my appearance, health and with myself. Since corona, I do not care about my appearance anymore, I am losing my hair, I am gaining weight. I have lost the desire to drink/ smoke socially. I have no faith or trust left in friends, family, teachers, basically most things, all they do is: disappoint, let down, pick on, bully, backstab or do something really dumbRecently I realised I have anxiety and have become and introvert. I have withdrawn from all social media and become a hermit. I do not even talk to anyone not even my sisters or step sisters. I do not know why I am writing this, I guess I have gone through so much crap in my life I am sick and tired of it all, sorry for sounding like a pathetic piece of garbage, but In all honesty I am not afraid of dying, at least Ill feel something. M28, dissociating, Empty, numb, just living to die",Depression +10714,"I just graduated in sh and I am planning to continue college. But then, my own plans got rejected by my parents because they want THEIR plans to be dominated. But things got worst, I did not pass in a university admission and I cannot enroll to their desired course. It got me tearing up for 8 hours because I have nowhere to go.. my anxiety looses and I now think that I am a failure. On the other hand, I cannot enroll to a private school because we are not financially stable. They do not want to pay my ""tuition"" because there r more important things that should be focused on paying. Lmao it is obvious that they do not support me in my study, I am not blind nor fool. They r professionals they can support me but they do not want. I wanted to work but they will not allow me to work.. so I do not know what to do, I am nowhere to go. My depression and anxiety worsen.. I am loss. Idk what to do",Depression +10715,Quick recap of my life for the past few months; I have attempted suicide six times I think and had two ER visits. I swore that I would not try to hurt myself again after the second hospital visit but its getting so goddamn hard. I have a therapist now but my mom sits right outside the office and I do not want her to hear me talk about the suicidal thoughts. Religion has not worked out for me so I cannot just live because some all-knowing figure wants me to. I turned 18 last week and I am fucking terrified. I can barely take care of myself and I cannot see myself being an adult and having a life. I want to die so fucking bad but I cannot hurt my family like that. I just want to have purpose. I want to wake up and live like everyone else and have friends and grow up. what is the point?,Depression +10716,"I have no one I can confide in, they all left once I tried to tell them how I felt about life and myself... I do not trust anyone else anymore, for fear of them leaving me again. But I need to tell people how I am feeling now or get help in some way but I cannot, its like I am being drowned under ice, I can see the surface but I can never reach itI honestly do not see myself living for another year. I have already attempted to kill myself twice. Hopefully next time I will not failMaybe this would all be ok if I just had someone I could depend on but I do not. I am not like-able enough for that. I am too worthless. The worst feeling is when you need someone to talk to but you have no one",Depression +10717,"Life is ok some days, but darker days lose every ounce of light I struggled to gather Good days are ok, bad days sucks the meaning out of them",Suicidal +10718,I own a 9mm. Sometimes I think about loading it up and blowing a hole through my skull. I find this happening more and more as my life goes on. I just do not think life is really worth living and I am tired of the rat race.Maybe one day I will grow a pair and pull the trigger. I am tiredDon't bother with the same old advice. I have had a lot of time to think about this. I am tired A confession,Suicidal +10719,"Wish i was cherished and cared for, not taken advantage of, not taken for granted. A lot of things really left my feelings hurting. Ultimately I have nobody. Everybodys gone. cannot love. I do so much for certain individuals and they will come back to bite the hand that feeds them. Sickening. How do these people interact and live like this. I do not even feel emotion anymore after being hurt so consistently over and over again. I am at the point where I just do not care what happens. I am lonely hurt and pained on the inside. Wish somebody could just help. Wish I had a faithful loving women to help me out this rutt. Fucking hell, I grind so damn much and life does not progress. I pray to God things change this year. So sad at this life man. Another lonely day of bottling my feelings. I must sound like a little bitch from how much I am complaining, but gosh I never ever ever vent. So it kind of does feel better. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you are all living happily and fulfilled. I turn 19 in two hours, not feeling it though",Depression +10720,I do not know who I am so I do not know what I want or what to doIm nobody so I do not want anything. I am nothing that is why I cannot fell anything. Why no amount of pain and suffering causes me to change. Why the word no longer holds any meaning to me. Why everything else feels the same. I just exist and everything around me either feels worthless or a lie. Anything more will always be a lie.tired of doing that Its all empty,Depression +10721,If you live for long enough will your brain just stop trying to kill you? Question about depression.,Suicidal +10722,"i feel like I am fully aware of what is going on and i do not like it. i want to live my life just like any other human being. i do not want to constantly focus on the past or the future. i do not want to feel stressed out thinking about what I will do in 10 years from now. i do not want my life to consist of going to work and coming back home. it is a cycle that repeats itself, everyone lives the same life just as different people with different perspectives. each one of us go to school, get a job, get married or whatever and then die. i do not want to do this, it feels so wrong and so ordinary, i do not want to live like this i do not want to work my ass off just to die in the end. everyone tells me to enjoy my teenage years but I am over here with 0 irl friends and 4 mental illnesses, parents on the verge of getting a divorce. everything feels so meaningless, i do not think i have a purpose or will ever have one. i want to feel loved but i always get hurt because guys my age are just so immature. older guys have different desires and we are just not compatible. everyone expects me to be strong at all times but sometimes i just want to be able to cry and have someone hold me and tell me everything will be alright. i feel so incomplete and nothing is enough to fill the void in me that is growing bigger everyday. i cannot live like this, i cannot live with myself for 50 more years. i do not want people to perceive me or have a version of me in their head. i do not want them to have expectations of me. i do not want to feel responsible to keep them happy and satisfied. everything is so hard, i wish someone would understand. i feel like people only talk to me out of pity or just to ask for nudes. i dislike myself so much. i try to be nice and kind towards others but I am harsh on myself. I am so tired, i do not think this life is worth it, i know I am still young but it is already so draining. i wish my parents cared a little. or just showed that they do. i immediately regret it when i vent to someone about something because i feel like they only listen to me because I am their friend and they will just move on with their lives once I am done. i wish my mom would hug me. I am only 16",Depression +10723,"Why am I so fucked up.I am such a fuck up I feel like a failure disappointing my parents, finding comfort in drugs, minor drug addiction issues witch I will not admit to myself. do not know what is wrong with, me I feel hopeless, lost and empty why was I born this way. 15 and already fucking up my life, on the wrong path, failing school struggling to get through every day I am becoming numb. I cannot do this its not your fault mom and dad your mostly great my iner demons and the world fucked me up. I am so sorry my ADD is fucking me up what is the point of everything. I need some guidance a clear path I want to know what went wrong, what changed and made me into the fucked up person. I used to be getting straight A and was the happiest person when I was younger. Recently went on antidepressants which made me feel like a different person who is not me I stopped taking them without telling anyone.I NEED HELP. I want to live forever but mental illness gets away. I am almost adicted to depression in a weird way because it feels like part of who I am. I do not like the feeling but it feels like that is who I am. I am in love with a a girl who has a boyfriend and she is my best friend she is the only person that makes me feel whole and not empty when I seee her it feels like everything makes sense. and its the only time I understand wtf is going on on this crazy planet.ADD meds make me way more depressed and without them I cannot pass school my parents have taken me of them this year and I have been doing horrible at school I do not know what to do it feels like I am treading water and drowning a bit, please can someone give me advice. Any advice appreciated :/",Depression +10724,"i have been feeling either empty or just swallowing the pain. idk if I am strong but i feel like i have been strong for wayyy toooo long, i have hidden my pain so much sometimes i even convince myself that I am not a broken fucking kid. i feel happy when I am around my friend but once I am alone it all hits within 20-30 minutes and i start feeling this knot in my throat and my eyes get watery and i just literally SWALLOW the pain and if feels like that knot gets bigger and bigger every time i do it. when i think about what caused this its like it affects me but only for half a second and then i just get this anger that i feel running through my whole body, especially down my spine i feel it tingling and makes me very uncomfy and irritated like its trying to escape and the more i keep it inside the easier ill explode with anger the next time something/someone says/does something i do not like. I do not know what is wrong with me",Depression +10725,"Depression is an old friend at this point. I do not even remember what its like for my brain to be normal. That said its been getting a lot darker these days and so I guess I am hoping putting this out there helps or something. I do not know what the hell to do anymore.To shorten a very long story, I am a single dad stuck at home 100% of the time with 3 kids. Ex left me for a old boyfriend, sucked but whatever I got over it. I was able to work from home and help take care of the kids, keep things normal-ish. Thank God for my parents. Without their help Id have gone insane or more likely put a bullet in my mouth a long time ago.Things were going ok ish until covid. Suddenly the kids are stuck home all the time, bored and driving me crazy. Their mom is flaking out again so I am without much help. My oldest son is a nightmare. Long gone is the sweet boy I knew and hes replaced with a narcissistic psychopath. Yeah, yeah I know all teenagers are bad but no. I legitimately use the clinical definition of psychopath here. I 100% think hes about one life crisis away from the beginning of a Netflix true crime documentary on a serial killer.We tried therapy but it does not help. Hes a master at lying, deflecting and putting on whatever mask he thinks will work best for you at this moment. After the 3rd time he did not come home and the cops brought him back we had him go to an inpatient facility for teens. We all breathed a collective sigh. Finally peace for us and maybe just maybe he will get some help. Nope a few weeks later hes back and has not changed.For a while he was able to live with his mom most of the time. But her new marriage imploded and now she is quasi homeless. Great now I am back to them all being here 100% of the time, no end in sight. My parents can take the younger 2 for brief stints but cannot handle him, nor do I want them to have to.So here I sit at my kitchen table, staring down the barrel of at least 5 more years of this shit. I have a nicer prison than most I guess. Still able to work, buy shit for hobbies that I do not give a shit about anymore, sunlight and fresh air.I do not actually want to kill myself but dark thoughts are no stranger, and I am getting more comfortable with not being alive. Even started thinking about what ifs for after I am gone. The only comfort I get these days is eating so I figure my heart will give out within the next decade and solve the problem for me if things do not change.Well there it is, there is my story and yeah I do not feel any better. Hell I am not sure why I thought I would. I do not feel period these days. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk or something. Trapped",Depression +10726,Is there anyone that is willing to listen to me talk aboutthings? I really do not want to talk to my friends because it will only burden them. My best friend has to talk someone out of suicide nearly everyday. I do not want to be that someone. I just want a stranger to listen before I go. Someone to talk to,Suicidal +10727,"I just realized I have been off my meds since June 29th, Because of my wisdom teeth surgery and other thingsLife is not as interesting or exciting as fantasies I create, its just disappointing. I constantly daydream or escape reality in my head. All the things I was interested in are just gone or I have mental will to do it. I do not play games cuz I get too tired or disinterested in it. I use to have a passion for cooking but I barely cook now. I am also overweight and I keep eating garbage even though I know I need to stop. I have been trying to stop but its like I cannot stop until after eating the shit. I started working and its a retail job ya know. Got tired of doing Jack shit and was feeling academically burnt out. Quickly learned i need to go and get a degree or skill. But nothing excites me fully, burnt out eventually or I am afraid of working hard due to how it led to my mental spiral for 2 years.I also ended a 10 year long friendship with someone who I also dated in the past officially. I thought I blocked them and would never hear from them again but there they were with a long message and their name. It gave me a panic attack and ruined my mood. Then I guess it kicked off my horrible feelings.I also feel broken. I am trans. People think its gross. I am not very good looking, fat, do not have a degree, I do not think I am very sexual or just asexual, I just know I have trauma from dating from the past. I have also just tired of the depression, anxiety, ocd, and whatever else going on. I am tired of the pills and having to remember taking them. I want a new brain or something. I do not plan on hurting myself. I cannot. My family already lost my cousin to it, and I just cannot do it on them again. But if I could never wake up, that would be great. I feel alone I think I live in delusion and nothing in life is as interesting as fantasy. I am scared of committing to anything and of working",Suicidal +10728,"There is not much to say really, my gp wanted to increase my dose and I increased it as well. I am kind of proud of myself.But at the same time, I do not want to be here.I have a monthly calendar, each day that I cross off is a victory I do not really want to be alive, but yesterday instead of reaching for the 72 painkillers I had, I reached for my antidepressants",Depression +10729,"No more long holidays already, routine life, you get to see friends less often and some people drift away. So much less free time and more responsibilities, life is such a lonely and depressing journey. I wake up in the morning still feeling tired and dead on the inside Life after leaving school sucks so much more",Depression +10730,"I am tired. i want to just sit down and cry but i feel so embarrassed about it. i want to scream and yell but I do not have the energy. i feel so helpless.everything i have is so fucking crappy it is depressing. my laptop was the one thing i had and now it is broke. i do not have a single cent. I am going to have to do a job for a couple of months to be able to get it fixed. so i have that to look forward to.i have a phone but not only is its headphone jack busted, but recently my headphones broke as well. my parents will never give me money because we are too busy just trying to survive. nothing i have works any more.my laptop was one way i could zone out of my parents reach. now it does not work. i try to do other stuff but I cannot. i used to put on some music and i would just lay down and chill if i ever felt sad. i cannot do thta anymore and it frustrates me More than anything. i want to sit down a d cry. i used to listen to music to get in touch with my feelings. i cannot even do that anymore.i want.this misery to end. for the first time in my life, i have actually begun to lose faith in god. I do not know what is happening to me. I am angry and frustrated and it makes me want to cry.",Suicidal +10731,I am a fat lazy drunk with anger issues. My wife hates me. My friends hate me. I am a huge piece of shit. If I died tomorrow nobody would care. Some would probably be happy. I hate myself so much I really just want to stop breathing and no longer exist. I cannot talk to anybody about my suicidal thoughts because nobody believes me or cares. I feel so alone. I truly want to die I hate myself,Suicidal +10732,"Does anyone else feel the same? If I try to move my body out of my bed, I feel more depressed and suicidal",Suicidal +10733,"I am always poor, and broke. I just cannot find anyone to love. If everything is painful, what is the point of being around? what is the point if everything is painful",Depression +10734,I do not feel like I have any options left. The Torture will not stop unless I am dead.,Suicidal +10735,I am 25 years old and I feel like a 60 year old man. The world I was born into no longer exists. All the technology I grew up with is dead and outdated. Major staples of my childhood like renting movies and phone calls are now gone and replaced with something strange. The people I went to high school with may as well be dead and buried considering the last time I have spoken to one of them. But I am still here. I feel like I should be gone too. A relic of a bygone era. I got left behind,Depression +10736,"For context, I am a journalist student and it is a area that is struggling a lot in my country. I am 21, I have a little experience with it but I cannot get a job/paid internship. I am always seeking opportunities, always trying to learn more about the newer demands of my job, and still, no one wants to hire me. I look around and all I see is my friends from college getting their first jobs in the area, gaining experience, doing amazing stuff and I am proud of them, but I am also extremely jealous. I want to grow, I want and need a job, but always getting a no is consuming my mental health in so many levels that I am starting to not know how to deal with it.Last month I applied for a internship in L'oreal, it was the dream job for me. Ended up I did not get it (of course) yet the interviewer said I did well. It made me so sad, I think it triggered my depression. I do not feel like trying hard the way I used to, I feel hopeless, like I am really not enough, not qualified enough. I will graduate next year and I am starting to feel that I am waiting my time. Even though I have one of the best grades in my class, I still do not feel enough. I do not even know if this count for something anymoreI see people with less experience than me, people that are not trying that hard for something and yet, they manged to get a job and I am in the same place... I even started to develop my own journalistic project, trying to do something that I truly believe, love and want to put my all into it, but slowly, day by day I am starting to loose faith in it as well... I talked to close friends about it and all I get is empty words (I am quite sure they are not, probably it is just my mind trying to self sabotage itself).I just do not know what to do anymore, everyone is moving on, doing amazing things and I am here doing absolutely nothing. I do not feel like I get comfort from people, and honestly I do not know why I seek it since it is my issue and I got to solve it own my own. I am just afraid of not getting a job, waisted my parents money in a college degree that did nothing. I think I am just drowning in this hopeless feeling and because of that, I do not feel like I have the energy to do absolutely nothing. I feel like I am left behind",Depression +10737,"I am 25, and my social life is not going anywhere. My brother is going on vacation with his girlfriend in a few days, and I do not feel close enough to any of my friends to go anywhere, even just to a bar. Weekends are same old almost 100% of the time. The most fun I usually have is going to the movies by myself. My best friends lives pretty far, and my only other friends (if you could call them that) are from church and I do not feel very close to them. I do not have a significant other. it is like I work 40 hours week, and for what? I spend almost every weekend by myself. Nobody hits me up. I have to hit up people, which I did once with my closest friend from church. Idk, life sucks, I am seriously not having a good time, and if it does not get better I will just off myself. No need to continue existing just to pay bills. Life is so boring these days that if it does not get better, I will just kms",Depression +10738,"in talking with other people who struggled with suicidal thoughts in middle/high school this seems to be a common struggle. I am nearly 21 and i honest to god thought i was not going to live to 18. now I am here and I am so lost in what i want to do with my life and how i want things to turn out, and i still cannot picture any kind of future for myself beyond where i am now. i just moved from the USA to the netherlands, and for anyone who is gone through a similar move you know how isolating and terrifying it is. i feel like I am out of my depth, like how could i have possibly thought this was something i could do. I have been struggling a lot the last couple weeks with (mostly) passive suicidal ideation, something I have dealt with since i was very young. sometimes though it is not passive anymore, and i go to sleep every night thinking of ways to just end it because life is too much and I am not worth the effort for other people. idk, its been a rough time lately never thought id reach my age and now i do not know what to do",Suicidal +10739,"People do not really want to know how you are. They expect a quick response. So I say I am fine. I am not fine. Far from it. But they do not want to know that I woke up exhausted. That I started crying as soon as my eyes opened. That I do not want to do absolutely anything and even watching tv is too much for me. That there is a heaviness weighing on my heart that can only be compared to mourning. That I honestly do not think I will ever be happy. That my favorite songs are making me inexplicably sad. That my dreams will never come true. That no one can save me. That my family will not understand when I am gone. That I am so sorry for everything. They do not want to know all that. So I say I am fine. ""Hey how are you?"" ""I am fine"".",Depression +10740,"Life sucks. I work hard 5-6 days a week. I have had a lot of anxieties since I was a child and never had many friends growing up because maybe people thought I was weird for being so shy and timid due to all my anxieties. My home was very hard growing up. My dad was hardly home either working or at a bar coming home very late and drunk. My mom used me as a dependent and still does which is exhausting. Keep in mind I am (33 f) years old. My family bullied me physically and emotionally growing up. Calling me all kinds of names and that I could not ever do anything. I have had very little friends and have been hurt by friends and even family down the road. It is almost impossible for me to trust people. I feel so unloved and so Insignificant and small. Every time I have always tried to do the right thing or do good, something has always come my way to destroy it. I cannot even look forward to anything anymore because I do not trust anything good will happen. I have gotten so used to things crumbling in front of me. I wake up most days angry at the fact that I woke up and that I want to end my life but am too much of a coward to do so. I guess I just need to finally bite the bullet and do it...... that is all folks If I did not wake up tomorrow, no one would care",Suicidal +10741,"I am in my late twenties now and I have been depressed for many years, maybe since childhood, I cannot reckon. I have been in relationships since school, whenever I was single I was hooking up so sex life was great. Untill now that my partner of three years and I have split up (it is a break) since last 6-7 months and there is no sex. I used to masterbate before as well but it was less. Now that is the only resort. My therapist is telling me that it is making me more depressed. What do you all think? Does masturbating helps or makes it worse with depression?",Depression +10742,"Its currently kind of killing me that I do not have any active irl friendships, and to some extent not even any very active online friendships. I currently also have nothing to do irl as its summer break (I am 16), so I literally spend my whole day watching YouTube or playing something, tho even playing games gets boring really fast if you do not have people to play with. I also do not have any kind of big goal in life I would want to work towards, as a matter of fact I am not even that interested in trying to find one either. How I have ended up with so few active friendships / none at all is a bit complicated so I am leaving it out here, but it was not that anything particularly bad came to be between anyone and me, its more that over time I just got less close with some of them. I also have tried finding new friends online, where I have found some different people, but still not like a group that I could spend time with regularly, and I have not yet made the effort to really try and get to know new people irl, and I am also not so motivated to do so bc; getting to know ppl irl hard. But yea, again, this is really not a nice place to be in, because literally the only people i talk to in days at this point are my parents occasionally, and then I text with some people and have perhaps like 2 calls but that is it. And with nothing else to do the whole day it is just pretty awful tbh. I just want to say btw, this is not me necessarily asking for friends here, I just wanted to vent. I need friends really bad",Depression +10743,"ThrowawayIm female, 20 years old. Ever since I was 12 I have been on antidepressants, antipsychotics for severe depression and anxiety. My parents are divorced since I was 2. they have both been in relationships after. I have lived with my mother and majority of my life its just been us two living together. My brother lived with my father. My mother was in a relationship when I was 11. We moved in with him. He abused her mentally and physically. I heard everything. I saw the scars. Fast forward a few years later she dated another guy. I had met this guy before, we lived with him when I was around 7. It did not last. Last year we got a call that he had hung himself. My father does not understand mental illness. He often calls me a baby or a child and tells me to just suck it up. That its all in my head. My one and only serious relationship was with a boy online. It started when I was 14. Went on and off since I was 17. He said he would come to Canada and marry me. We would have an amazing life together and have kids of our own. I was so happy. Everyone around me told me he was mentally abusing me. I did not see it. But he would not let me have friends, he would get insanely jealous. I was not even allowed to go over to my female friends house, and when I did, he would get super angry. He controlled everything in my life. Got upset when I went to school and did not stay home to talk to him. Eventually he left me for one of my other friends online. I begged him to stay, I had never felt so broken. He did not. he would say awful things about me. The anxiety and depression got so bad I could not go to school. By this time, I was in grade 12. Every time I walked in the school, I had a panic attack. could not be around people. I tried online school, I could not do it. It was too difficult without a teacher. I still have not graduated. I have never had a job- its hard to leave my house. I cannot drive. I cannot cook. I cannot do anything by myself, my mother raised me to be super dependant. 3 years ago she started dating a guy (now fiance) she previously was best friends with. He was around me a lot when I was a child. I do not remember much. The meds make me forget most of my life including my school years. First couple years were fine. I eventually got really sick. Last year I developed severe ocd. Contamination ocd. I cannot touch anything he has touched. cannot have him in my apartment. My mother gets angry and blames me that she cannot be happy. I have tried 3 different meds since then, all the free therapists the government gives me. Nothing helps. They say I developed ocd as I most likely have psychological issues with men because of all the wrong they have caused me in my life. My family all acknowledges I need professional psychological help. They do not have the money for it. My mom is on permanent medical assistance as she has severe stage 4 endometriosis. My dad lives with his girlfriend who has kids, they cannot afford me or take me in either. My grandparents just want to live a chill retired life. They do not want me. My brother lives in a different province. This takes me to why I need to get out of here, though I have no place to go. Last night my mom got upset with me and said she wants her life back. she is sick of my mental illnesses and says she is going to have her fianc over. She acts like she forgets that I nearly starved to death last year, literally days away from starving, because I was too scared that what she cooked was contaminated because she was around him. The ambulance was called at my therapists office because he saw that I could barely stand up. I was shaking really bad. I was extremely malnourished. I was not able to shower for the same fear that she contaminated the shower. Again last year my mother called the police on me because I said I did not want to live anymore after she had threatened our relationship if he does not come over. She said that she would not watch movies with me anymore or be around or spend time with me at all (which really affected me because she was like my only friend. do not have barely any irl bc of my anxiety to leave the house and she knows this). Everyone I do talk to says that she emotionally abuses me so bad. I have a video of her saying that our relationship is nothing now anyways. This week she said she was going to lock me out of the fridge for getting a piece of balongne. She said that I have gluten on my hands (she has celiac) even though I did not even touch anything with gluten, and she said that I am probably the reason why she is been sick this past year. She wants to move in with her fianc, and I am the one holding her back. She always makes sure to let me know that I am the reason why she cannot have happiness in her life. She makes me feel like I am just a roadblock. And so much more. So when the police were called they came into our small apartment - 4 men. They forced the blood pressure machine on me even though I was crying telling them its contaminated. They told me to grow up and act like an adult. They told me that since they have been called twice now, that next time they are called they can put me in handcuffs and arrest me. It traumatized me so much. The self harm last year was out of control. Since that year I have gotten so much better by myself since my mother had been cooperating with me, giving me time to get better before she has her fianc over. I do not wear gloves inside my house anymore. I can eat. I can shower. I do not self harm. I have been socializing online a lot. However last night when she said she was going to start having him over I have fallen into some of the same habits. have not really been eating. Been super depressed. Been crying and shaking all day. I am scared it will be as bad as last year - probably way worse if he comes over. Hell contaminate everything just by being in here. I am so scared. I will not be able to leave my closed room. Ill be too afraid to eat or drink anything in fear of it being contaminated. I am so so scared. cannot stop shaking. Threw up after I tried to eat something. Last year I nearly died, I do not know what worse entitles. I am scared. I made so much progress. I do not want it all to be shattered. It will all be for nothing if she has him over. She will not let me get psychological help first either before she has him over. She says she cannot afford it and she is waited long enough. Shaking while typing this. Feel really sick. Stopped talking to my friends. Stopped doing anything except sitting in my room crying. She keeps threatening me that she will call the police again if I do not start eating. She says they will arrest me this time. But I feel so sick. I am so scared. No one can afford help for me. I cannot do anything. I am stuck. What do I do? I have psychological issues with men yet my mom is going to bring a man in the house. I am so scared. She does not care. I have tried reaching out to him personally and our family. No one cares. They all think I am being irrational. And that my mom deserves happiness too. They do not understand. No one does. And I am trapped. All I am is a roadblock. No one wants me. No one can take me. I am trapped in this home. It used to be the only place I feel safe, now its the scariest place. All I do is sleep because its the only time I am at peace. I cry every time I wake up because I realize I have to face this hell. I am trapped. I am scared. I have nowhere to go. What can I even do? I cannot drive to get out of here. I cannot do anything. cannot get a job to afford professional psychological help for myself. I am stuck. And its so so so scary. What can I even do? Throwaway - I need help, advice, anything. I am stuck.",Depression +10744,Ill be going for an intake on Monday. The groups will be all through zoom because of the pandemic still. I am not sure what to expect or if it will even help me with my depression and anxiety. Just looking to see if anyone has been in one and if it helped. Has anyone entered a partial hospitalization program?,Depression +10745,I do not want to fail and still live with the attempt. It cannot be super painful either because Ill just back out of it out of fear. Thanks. What are the best ways to kill yourself?,Suicidal +10746,"I have been struggling this week, especially within my relationship, no one to talk to because the only person I want to discuss matters with is him. I do not even have 20 dollars that I would usually numb myself w/ weed so I have been crying all day. My day off and I am crying. Why can I never be happy? Crying all day",Depression +10747,"do not you just hate it when you have been doing well, then you see the person causing you pain? And worse, there is no way to avoid them except going to a different country or state? All those months of hard work trying to be better goes down the drain in just a few seconds? All the negative feelings that you were hoping were disappearing suddenly appears, weighing you down. Wish there is a better and faster way to cope, but it seems hopeless whenever this happens. Like stopping smoking, then going into relapse. I hate this really. Seeing the person responsible for the pain",Depression +10748,"I am almost done with my life. I have failed my diet.(binge ate) I have failed at life, I have no friends, I failed everything. Idk what to do anymore. I want to die but I am too much of a pussy to do it. Idk what to do but I am scared. I am almost done",Depression +10749,"Id choose to die. there is absolutely nothing I want. I have a lot, but its not what I need. I just want my suffering to end. Nothing can make me happy. If I had just one wish",Depression +10750,"my whole life my dads been telling me that I are not no man and will never be, hes favoured my siblings and I still do not know if he loves me. I have not lived with him since I was 12 and right now after getting into an argument with my uncle and him telling me how to be a man just hurt me. I have tried my best to be one I have not touched a cig or a drink and any drug and I have been trying to finish high school yet I am still being called that I am not a man I am just broken now because I have been always feeling like.... like killing myself or cutting but then I always thought of my little brother that will just hurt him so..... I have not done it but how long can I hold feeling confused",Depression +10751,"My therapist has decided she will no longer be doing in person therapy, even though i feel unsecure, no privacy, no safety. my dad told me to shoot myself. and i plan on using this extension cord, and any random electrical device i can find to do it. if you tell me life is worth living, please do not. I have heard it all. I am mentally tired, and exhausted My dad told me to get a gun and shoot myself, I am considering it.",Suicidal +10752,"I am not sure if this is the right sub for this question but I figure some people here may have direct experience with it. If not, apologies.I have a friend who I talk to online. He had a suicide attempt last year and his one experience with mental health professionals, besides staying in a holding facility, was a handful of telephone therapist appointments because of COVID. These, unsurprisingly, were not helpful sessions and his very first introduction to therapists, and he is very easily swayed by negative first impressions.Since then, things improved for a while but now I can tell he is getting worse again and talking about his suicidal ideations frequently again. I am there for him, try to avoid being judgmental or saying any of the platitudes that would make him feel guilty or like I do not understand the severity of his situation. But in the end I know he would stand to benefit from talking to a therapist in person the most. The thing is I do not know how to guide him to this idea without pushing him away from it. I gently mentioned it in our last serious conversation and got an appreciative but seemingly dismissive response. I feel like if I push too hard he is going to feel guilty or like it is yet another societal pressure to fix himself bearing down on him. But he is said he pretty much has no hope for a therapist to help at this point and mentioned therapists not being helpful for anyone else in his life, so those walls are pretty high up at the moment. With his history I feel stressed about the potential for him spiral again, and I would definitely feel guilty if I did not push hard enough in that case. Thanks to any advice from anyone else who is been in this situation. How do I support my suicidal friend who refuses to see a therapist?",Suicidal +10753,Like I am so over this shit you would not believe. All it takes is me making something drop by accident and its enough to make me want to off myself I am so over this shit,Suicidal +10754,"have you ever been in that moment where you realize that all the bad things that are happening and are about to happen are out of your control?not knowing the source of my paranoia sucks, but seeing the reason clearly in front of me sure as hell sucks in a different level. i cannot do anything about it. i can only choose to walk away or to brace myself so i would not get hurt. why is life so unfair? does life really have to be this painful? getting hurt is one thing, but seeing the people, especially ones i care about get hurt hurts me too. why cannot we have a solution to everything? i do not want to leave something just because its beyond fixing. it hurts a lot.i want to love life. i want to wake up and be thankful that i did. but why is it like this? rant",Suicidal +10755,"The need for cuddles, but you know you are ugly, what do you do honestly dying actually does not sound half bad Any label for my problem?",Suicidal +10756,I always only care for myself and the only time I get along with my siblings is if I need a favor.Its hard to be happy and well I am always isolating myself from everyone.My brother in law plays with my siblings something I do not do.Makes me feel bad but in the mental state I am in I do not care about socializing with anyone.Just want to lay down all day do nothing.I am not responsible like I should be and get mad when I have to do things and do not like getting told to do things.My brother lives by the he way if your wondering why I am mentioning him.I do not care about how anyone in my family Just myself and brother in law always makes sure everyone is okay.I just want to move out because hes basically my replacement and I feel like I because problems Anyways.I feel upset and mostly mad all the time but want to move out but have no job. My brother in law is a better brother to my siblings than I am,Depression +10757,"(Male)Everyday is the same. I do not want to wake up.If death is like dreamless sleep, I am in. I am the joke of the family, a verbal punching bag. I go to work, come home, sleep. On my days off I jus distract myself however I can.I am a talented musician, I can make beautiful music but its not enough. I write poetry to process emotions but its all so sad. I want the cycle stop. The only thing keeping me here is the fact there might be something after this. I do not want anything. I have no love life, no friends, my family is disgusting and broken. I have started self harming again (I stopped when I was 15)- I am now 20.I have said Ill kill myself when I am 22, unless I have found someone to love. That gives me a year and a month. But I do not think I can love anymore, the women I talk to either leave or its apparent that there is no connection. I do not really connect to anything except my music. Even that is not good enough for me to be proud of. Everything hurts. There is no point. Iwanttodie.",Depression +10758,"My life was going so good, and it went downhill pretty fast. I am so depressed I have not left the house in months and have severe anxiety now out of nowhere. I think about suicide almost 24/7. I had one attempt and failed. Scared to do it again and fail but its the only way to get out of all my issues Sad",Suicidal +10759,"I have only ever tried to off myself once and that was 6 months ago. Now I am feeling worse than I did back then. I want to die. I hate myself and I just hate living. I have to constantly be worrying if I am going to have a sudden mood swing and do something stupid that I will not be alive to regret later. I do not care about how selfish it is, they all find it as some sort of fucking joke even after having to rush me to the hospital themselves. Whenever I think about pills I want to throw up, but lately, that has not been happening. The moment I am comfortable enough to take pills without immediately throwing up I am going to do it. I do not even care if I do not die. I honestly liked the feeling of being high off pills, and if I die? that is just the extra benefit. I do not see why I need to try stopping myself. what is there to live for? I hate people, I am an asshole so I do not care what they think of it. My life is fine, but I hate being alive and having to go through this. Even If I was not depressed I still do not see the reason why I would want to live. When I tried to off myself my parents both thought it was because I have a low self-esteem (I am not even overweight why would I kill myself just bc I do not like how I look??) but neither of them even took into consideration that it might be their faults. My dad used to beat the shit out of me before he got cancer 2 years ago, and my mom would just get drunk and leave me and my brothers standing outside for 2 hours waiting for her to pick us up just to find out she was not coming. Everyone on my mom's side of the family is an alcoholic, so I am pretty much fucking destined to become one too. There are so many things I have to worry about in the future so why do I need to fucking wait longer? 90% of the people I talk to just tell me to see a therapist. What the fuck is talking going to do to solve my problems?? I am sleep-deprived, I am eating like 700 calories a day, I do not remember the last time I actually took care of myself. I should just down some energy drinks and go for a run, give myself a damn heart attack. I should stay awake for as many days straight as possible and give myself really bad dark circles, then my parents cannot say they did not know I was not doing good. But no, I will probably just start ignoring my depression again after it calms down enough, and eventually I will break and end up dead. What a fun life I am living. what is the point",Depression +10760,"Not sure, it will probably pass but I have been dealing with depression for years, went through periods of medicating but I have been off medication for 5-6 years now. I know they are all kind of different but I tried a few and it was not really for me (not saying I will not try again) I have gone from someone who does not shower/look after themselves in any way to someone who is in their 3rd year of uni and nearly has a skincare routine (nearly). I know it is good, but I feel like no matter how much water I drink, how well I do in class, how often I brush my teeth, I cannot help crashing and burning every couple of weeks with everything turning to absolute shit. All it takes is a tiny thing and I feel fucked, I do not want to do anything. I feel like the universe is against me, like I am really trying soo hard and things are going wrong that are just stupid. Like random shit, I feel like for every step up I take, life's trying to push me back down and I just feel really tired and like, what is the point. I know the point is to keep going and better myself and learn to manage my emotions better and all that, go back to therapy, consider medication, but I really just feel like shit and that it is not going to change anything sometimes. Has anyone struggled much with diagnosis? I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression in my teens (I am 24 now, female) and I was kind of wondering, almost hoping that my diagnosis was wrong so I could start on a path that would actually get me somewhere. Maybe it is just like a pipe dream but has anyone here tried to deal with their depression for years before finding out it was something else? Or a combination? (Autism, ADHD, OCD, PTSD) I just want to be the best I can be and fit in and contribute but then I do not want to get out of bed at all. I hit the side of my head on the bathroom basin this morning (accidentally, it was so stupid do not ask) and I cried for like half an hour because it reminded me of when my ex would hit me (stupid I know, it is just a basin with no feelings or maliciousness) and now I do not want to do anything but cry hahaha, I keep losing my keys! I have a spot for them now, but it is just a little thing and I just feel absolutely incompetent and useless hahah, I keep setting up these little contingencies to help me accomplish things and keep my shit together but its not working very well idk hahaha rant over sorry I have been doing good on paper but I feel like the more I try the more shit goes wrong. I know it is probably my perception but I am trying so hard and I know I am being a better person but everything is just getting worse.",Depression +10761,"Idk how to start and i will just write my shit randomlyI have financial problems.Underperforming in uniGot issues with my familyFeels like everyone who was close is not close anymore, cannot really talk to anyone these days because i feel like they do not really care and they will not understand the painFeeling lonelyJoblessWhich causedLost hopeZero self-confidenceAlways tiredBoredKinda hateful Feeling painCant afford therapyPlus some issues idk how to talk aboutMaybe the way i wrote this is boring or does not feel like a big problem because we all have got problems but i really feel lost and hopeless, i feel like my life should end, i have nothing more to do and you probably will not understand me, but thought i should write this maybe i would feel better.I can talk about this for ages but i do not have the energy to, plus i am always talking about it randomly, feels like no one understands in the end. Nothing interesting, just pain.",Depression +10762,"I am not sure what I am hoping to gain from this. Perhaps a friend or some perspective that I have as of yet failed to muster. To shorten a long story I am an early thirties single dad who struggles greatly with depression and suicidal ideation.I have a daughters and she has saved my life up to this point and I love her to death. And yes I am already aware that the gift of a child should be enough in itself. It makes me hate myself for still struggling with the darkness of depression. However this darkness existed long before my daughter and has consumed me for years. I have always been the loner type. Extremely introverted, a homebody, and incredibly socially awkward. I have struggled to connect with people and make friends my entire life. Outside of my daughter I feel entirely alone. The depression is like a cancer that eats me from inside. Its never ever gone, just easier to cope with rarely but occasionally. But I can always feel it consuming me and eating away at my resolve and its slowly breaking me.I also struggle with finding purpose outside of strictly the parent life. I struggle with the monotony of life and routine. I do not even feel alive most of the time, just like I am going through the motions like a menial robot. I often sit in restless anticipation hating that I am doing nothing but can think of nothing I specifically want to do. I constantly find myself thinking that there has to be more to life than this. At the same time there is a voice that echoes in my head what a piece of shit I am for not finding my daughter alone to be enough to have passion for life. That same voice echoes thoughts of self harm and the release it could bring like playing devils advocate in my own mind. I know it makes me sound crazy and its just me hyping myself in my own head but its been becoming harder to shut those thoughts out. The darkness feels like its getting deeper and I feel like I am suffocating in the moment. I am struggling to shut it down. I often cry myself to sleep or stare into darkness for hours. I hide everything from my daughter because I do not want to put such burden on her. But I think she still suspects at times when it can be written on my face no matter how hard I try to be subtle. I do not turn to alcohol or drugs but it still feels like drowning as of late. I cannot continue to go on like this but I do not know where to go from here. I have dabbled in therapy and meds without success. And you cannot just snap your fingers and make yourself NOT a socially awkward nervous wreck. I feel like an alien freak, like something was majorly screwed up in the assembly process of my creation and I must be broken.TL;DR: Single dad struggling to overcome depression and feel satisfied with life. Just another one lost in the world.",Depression +10763,"I do not want to kill myself. I do not want to go through all of the motions and be dramatic and make myself more of a nuisance than I already have been this whole time.I wish I could just disappear and not have the guilt of knowing that I disappointed the only person that still cared about me.In that ideal world, I would just have not existed. Nobody would have known of me. Everything would go on in an orderly fashion and I could finally stop suffering.I feel so alone. I am so tired of this drawl that is my daily life. I feel like when my mom leaves for work tomorrow I might do something careless, I am both scared and do not care at the same time. it is complicated",Suicidal +10764,"The world is so depressing I hate it. I just want to kill myself, and I found a way to do it. The US is falling apart, I think sometimes I can talk people into seeing the truth but all I get are insults I am just so mad I cannot fucking deal with conservative people they are ruining the world right now, talking people's rights away, wanting to kill people who do not think like them. I am tired of being mocked and told I am stupid or fat or I cannot do things cus I am a woman, I am tired of men, of bad drivers, or rude people, I am tired of living in a backwards town and worrying if I will give covid to my family again because no one will wear a mask. I am just so sick I rather kill myself. I am am stupid, I am worthless I am fat everyone can get fucked I hope this is the end of the world and we all fucking die... I will go first! See you all in hell. Fist time in a while",Suicidal +10765,I understand that life might be difficult right now and just trust me I am with you Life sucks but I am here to tell you that you are amazing and you are going to do great things if anyone needs to talk I am here see you Queens later For all you amazing people,Depression +10766,"Hello. First post ever on reddit(I think)Sorry in advance for this banter, but I do not feel like I can tell my friends about this nor do I want to post this where any fanily member can see. I am going to get straight to the point. I sometimes just want to die. Let me start by telling you abit about myself.I had a pretty though childhood growing up, my dad commited suicide when I was 5, and my mother remarried a man who was very abusive towards me and my siblings. She later divorced him when I was 17.I am nie 24 years old, never been in any serious relationships, not as lovers nor as friends. Still a virgin(not that it bother me much). I just want to make this clear, I am not exactly unatractive I think. I am pretty tall, strong jawline, pretty muscular and heavily tatted also I have a talent for music. But I do not feel like any of that matters. Call me narcissistic if you like, but it is the truth. The reason I say it does not matter is because it does not. Alot of people feel like if they look good they will be happy, but that is completely false, atleast in my case. The reason I want do die is because nothing I ever do makes me feel fullfilled. Once I pick something up I usually stick with it for a while and tend to develop a talent for it, but usually end up dropping it as I do not feel any fullfilment from it. I cannot develop any romantic interest for anyone, nor form any real connections. I just really want to day dream and live in my own world. The fantasy world I created feels like my sactuary. that is why I want to die sometimes. I do not know how or when but somewhere down the line I convinced myself that when I die I will live in the universe I created inside my head. I do not know why I have not killed myself yet. Maybe because friends and family will be sad, may have because my cat will be left alone(which is what I care the most about in this world). It feels like I am just waiting for a meaningful event that will bring joy to my life which will never happen. Any one else feel like this? Anyways, sorry for making you read this drunken useless banter. Have a nice day I sometimes want to die.",Suicidal +10767,"My life is over at 25. When I turned 25 a couple months ago I was completely destroyed all day to the point where I was physically exhausted at work. I could not fucking deal with the reality of turning 20 fucking five. I have already tried hanging myself multiple times. I am a complete fucking failure in every aspect of life. I have no friends I work a shit job and I have a bachelors degree that is completely useless and will never give me a good job. I have never had a relationship and I am still a fucking version of age 25 because I was so ugly and socially maladjusted 30 years of introversion and bullying at a young age. I am constantly alone I cannot relate to people I have no one to talk to I am trash I am garbage I am sewage nobody gives a fuck about me no one wants to talk to me let alone get to know me or be intimate with me ever.It does not get better. It does not get easier.My past suicide attempts failed because I got too scared when I could not breathe I did not completely suspend myself while hanging but i was trying to self asphyxiate while kneeling. I just wish i could do it. I just wish i could hang myself and be done with it. I do not want to live a life in which I am only going to get lonelier uglier fatter and less and less likely to ever be loveable to someone. This is the rest of my life. Normal people do not fuckimg understand how good they have it. I see gorgeous women amd mengorgeous, attractive whining and moaning and whining and moaning I am dEpResSed I am lOnElY i mIsS hIm/hEr shut the FUCK UP YOU CUNTS YOU ARE HOT JUST MAKE A TINDER AND FIND SOMEONE DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE 25 AND NEVER HAVE BEEN FOUND ATTRACTIVE OR WORTHY OF LOVE BY ANYONE BEFORE THERE ARE 14 YEAR OLDS HAVUNG SEX EVERY DAY AND ILL NEVER EXPERIENCE INTIMACY EVER. FUCKING EVER. **DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE PROFOUND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE THAT DOES TO SOMEONE OVER DECADES OF LONELINESS AND REJECTION?**I cannot FUCKING TAKE IT ANY MOTHERFUCKING MORE KILL ME GOD PLEASE I am A FUCKIMG SLAVE I am A FUCKIMG PRISONER IN MY OWN FUCKING LIFE FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL My life is over at 25.",Suicidal +10768,"I do not know. Comparing to others, I cannot complain much about my life. I have a good family, no divorce or illness in any kind. I have a boyfriend who, in a way, loves me very much. I still have a stable income during this pandemic, not much, but stable. To anyone else around me, after hearing that part they will all be like: ""Great, so what is the problem?"" And that is it. I do not know. I do not know what is wrong. But I do not want to live anymore. I do not know when I got this thought, but it lingers in my mind like a parasite. I feel like I am trapped in this body. And I do not have the strength to keep going, or the willing to keep going. I just want to stop. I just want everything to stop. I want my heart to stop pounding, my brain to stop thinking, my body to stop moving. Everyday I wake up, I feel like someone else, pretending to live my life, pretending to be okay to everyone else because really, my life seems fine to other. Even great to some others (what they said).I want to get better. I really do. But I just do not know what is wrong. I think one day, when I am just too tired for the self pep-talk, I will give in and end myself. I know my close ones will be devastated, but they will move on, they always do. Nothing",Suicidal +10769,"I am 22(M) living in a Mumbai, India . I come from a well to do family with loving and supportive parents but now everytime I con only think about how I failed them. They never forced me do anything and never pressurised me to perform great in school. I did not have a bad social life either there was no bullying in my school, I had good at social interactions with my peers and teachers, and had a great rapo with them. My father came from nothing and achieved everything himself. I feel a pressure to out do him but nobody is telling me to do so. I have screwed up my life academically, I never had to work hard to achieve anything, I was good at sports and academics but slowly as competition started to increase i gave up on things and retreated. I started consoling myself that somehow I am destined to be sucessful and I started to belive it. Everytime I sleep, I hope I do not wake up tomorrow or if I do wake up , I wake up when i was 13 yrs old so I can re do my life with the current wisdom. Everytime my family goes out on vacation I hope they do not come back (die) so I can have an excuse for the failure I will become in future. The only reason I am not killing my self is because I do not want my parents to suffer due to me as they did everything right and provided everything for me. I hope everybody forgets about my existence just so I can just leave. I am lost I do not know what is ahead",Depression +10770,"Hello! First let me start off by saying that I do not like myself at all, and I am realizing how little I mean to people. I am giving up. it will all be over soon for me. I am going to break a mirror and hope one of the shards is big enough for me to stab my throat with. I will bleed to death probably, or just suffocate. I am okay with either one! does not really matter as long as the job gets done. I cannot stand living. it is endless and repetitive regret and just not fun. I am 21, my birthday is next month. No one has ever cared abt my birthday, or that I am even alive. I do not feel loved by anyone. I am all alone. I hate being me so much. I would rather die than continue living like this! I already self harm and stuff so what is the big deal, right? Who gives a shit anymore?! I never really mattered in the first place, I was born just so my dad could play house with my mother! Absolutely disgusting that my life had to be as wasted as it is. But it is all good I guess. I just want everything to end in a healthy way. So this is life huh",Suicidal +10771,that is it unless something changes my mind in those coming days 3 days,Suicidal +10772,"I feel like I am just living one hour at a time. I am walking a tightrope of despair. I cannot promise anyone, not even myself that I will be alive an hour from now. I know I am past the point of saving. No one is coming to help. No one wants to. I am not worth helping. I am not worth loving I am not worth knowing. I am not worth anything. It fucking hurts. I just wish I knew why.I love you all. I hope you get better. I hope you do not end up dead in your 20s like me. I cannot keep living hour to hour",Depression +10773,I am trying to find something that would make my death less sufferable. Ket and a lot of benzos seems not bad. Thoughts? Is ketamine and benzo combo a peaceful death?,Suicidal +10774,"And I do not know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, I am here.I have no idea why I posed this. Sometimes I think my heart beats fast and hard when I am depressed or in a panic attack as to remind me that even though I feel dead inside, I am still very much alive.",Depression +10775,so this is probably it. the next month ill spend collecting my paychecks and depositing them to a fund for a funeral. I have written my suicide note. I am re-reading my favorite books and leaving notes in each as to who to leave them to. do not know much else to do. 28 days. in the past when I have felt suicidal it was intense and emotion. i just feel calm now. its kind of like everybody said it would be. i do not know. anyways,Suicidal +10776,"you, yeah you. take this moment to stop here for a while, and listen what I have got to say to you.you made it to an another day, I am really proud of you. i bet its been hard on you, I am sorry for that. you are brave for not giving up even when you felt like doing so.keep going, you can do it!! remember to be yourself, do not change yourself for anyone else.you are you, the perfect creation <3 no one would be there to replace you, as you are so special. think on yourself, do not try to please everyone as its not possible in this cruel world. i wish i could give you all comfort and be there for you, but its really hard to do that one by one. I am trying my best, but it takes me time as i want to write every message personally, not just copy paste the same thing on and on.stay strong guys, long hugs for everyone <3 you, stop here for a moment",Suicidal +10777,"After two years of depression therapy I come quiet far I have to say. I still struggle with a lot. But I reached steps I am proud of. But there also some new problems that popes up after I made my progress.I want to now if there are people with similar struggles. I need to find a new therapist because she is not the right person to take the next steps.Till then I have to figure things out on my own again and I cannot find Videos or articles to this problem.After realizing I have some self worth and my inner me is now demanding that I get treated right and that I want to stand for my morals and believes. I get angry. Like a lot of angry time.Angry because someone do not talk to me right.Angry because I see someone or a situation that is unfair.Angry because I want someone take care of me and I do not have it.Angry at friends for things they cannot nothing for.What is this, it is totally new to me and I struggle hard with the emotions. They confuse me. How can I handle this anger, this little me that is demanding their right without sniffing it out again. It is important I developed it, but I do not want to act like a little brat. After Therapie anger?",Depression +10778,Why is that? Mental Illness does not Exist in 3rd World Countries,Suicidal +10779,"People need to stop coming on others posts and telling them it will get better. it will be ok, you will get through this, Etc. when they have no idea about their situation. Telling them this does not matter or that does not matter. You cannot change peoples values and priorities. People need to stop",Suicidal +10780,"Hello my lovelies, Hopefully you are browsing here because you are intrigued as to why this subreddit exists, or you needed help once and do not anymore- maybe even want to reach out to someone, or just all the reasons we.all wish we never felt the need to be here. But I hope that you are OK.I am not.I am nothing, I am useless and I need better ways to complete suicide.I am 32, I have tried multiple methods over the years, and frankly overdosing on painkillers has been the most effective but it is slow and has allowed people time to intercept. I need to go now. I am sick of being a burden, I am sick of never being enough and I just want to stop bringing everyone down.I have tried cutting, but honestly I chicken out, I find it too hard to apply enough force. Painkillers mixed with alcohol works great, but too slow. Please help me to figure a way out so that I can go without dragging it out My hope has dissipated again",Suicidal +10781,"I just turned 18 and feel like I have wasted my teenage years, I have had good memories but I have not done a lot of things like go to parties or get into relationships like most people my age. I have got a good group of friends but I do not think I have lived my youth to the fullest, I do not really go out a lot because there has not been much to do, and there was a period where I really did not hang out with my mates. I must have only been to about 5 parties in my life and I have only kissed 2 girls ever. I have been diagnosed with depression and Anxiety and I often feel anxious about trying new things. Ill never get these days back and its upsetting me hugely. I have heard these are the best and most youthful days and I feel I pissed them away and there is not really anything to live for Is life worth living after 18",Depression +10782,Dying is harder than you think. Confirmed,Suicidal +10783,"Does anyone else feel like they are fighting something invisible? Actually it is depression, loneliness, apathy things that we do not see but that affect us more than physical damage, we simply cannot stop thinking about it but we have to fight and keep fighting until we win the enemy is strong but does not exist we are more stronger than we think. Struggle",Suicidal +10784,"How does one keep going? I had suicidal thoughts for 4 years now. I am in my early 20s and nothing about being an adult is great. I am having constant headaches, i cannot persude higher education because of a single grade. I am afraid I am going to be a wage slave forever and will never be able to follow my only passion. I just hate this world, this obsession with work, competition and material things. you are only supposed work and comsume. worship those above and spit on those below, makes me sick. Sadly I am also to much of a coward to kill myself nor do i want to hurt my small family but it feels like it is either going to be suicide or decade long agony. I do not see it becoming better. Hollow",Suicidal +10785,"I have not lived this life, I do not have a personality, I have nothing in common with anyone elseI'm just an empty she will with no purpose I do not know who I am anymore",Depression +10786,"I guess i need a place to write this, even if its unseen. That being said, nothing helps. Just straight up, talking to people, food, friends, alcohol, nothing. I feel so selfish for feeling alone because i have a few decent friends but i know due to my lack of real personality traits and crushing depression I cannot even offer that much to anyone. I am just so sad, I am so tired of feeling useless, i cannot live much longer only leaving my bed to go to a job that makes me feel empty. I want a friend so bad who just gets it but i just get abandoned every time Nothing helps lol",Depression +10787,"Hey, who can give me a random reason to stay alive right now? I have every inclination to off myself tonight, but the only good reason I can think of to stay is maybe something I am not thinking of??? Got a random reason?",Suicidal +10788,Its hurting so much. i feel like doing something self-destructive. i cannot be hospitalized cos its embarrassing and my mom's not in town; last time also i was hospitalized when my mom was not in town. when my mom's in town she does not want me hospitalized and talks me out of going to the hospital or calling the suicide helpline. but she is not here to do that and i do not know what to do. its too much in my head. its torture. let me out.,Suicidal +10789,"Everyone who saw my selfie said: you look great. Yeah, I do not look like a dying person at all, right?Should I be unkempt, beat my chest, and cry, so that you can believe that I am already suffering? No, I will not be like this. Even if I will commit suicide the next day, today I will still live and work as usual, chat happily with others, and be a perfect agreeable person. It is temporary flourishing before fading away.",Suicidal +10790,"So i really do not want to deal with my life anymore. I have tried killing myself once before, and failed. I am home alone tomorrow so i just felt like it was a perfect opportunity.there is a lot of stuff going on in my life but i wint bother writing it down since no one will probably read this anyways. I just really do not want to live with this pain anymore and i got the perfect opportunity to try to end it again. Just tired of everything",Suicidal +10791,"I am going to start off with, I do not have a plan or anything like that. All I have is a loss of hope.I was finally feeling like I really fit in with my new friends, but after some poor decisions and a week long depressive episode that ended in me trying to take my own life, a lot of them are very upset with me.I left our group, so they could have time to heal, but I do not know if I will ever be invited back.I am leaving out details of exactly what occurred, but it is safe to say that they are not overreacting. They have every right to feel the way they do after the way I acted.I do not know where to go from here. I have done everything I can do to try and help them heal, and it is out of my control now. They at the very least need time away from me, so I am making sure I give that to them.I do not know what the real point of me posting this is, because I am not sure there is advice that can help my situation. Losing friends due to my own actions has left me feeling awful and alone",Suicidal +10792,Feels like Inescapable Suffering without being able to control anything. Just feel like a puppet on strings,Depression +10793,Instead they act as if I never existed. Like I am mentally ill as it is already damn now I got to feel worthless and invisible too Maybe some acknowledgment from them would be nice,Depression +10794,Alive while feeling so dead is making me not recognise myself or my life anymore. I think I am going through some sort of dissociation. Sad. cannot do it,Depression +10795,"I cannot anymore, nothing in life leaves me fulfilled anymore. I am so tired, of everything. My mind is broken into pieces, I cannot keep myself together. I always fail or give up on everything. I cannot do it, I was wondering if overdosing on dxm will finally do it for me. I have 2 bottles of cough syrup and am ready just to chugg them both. If that does not kill me maybe pain pills will do the trick. Alone, no one cares everyone hates me. what is the point ? When i am a nothing. Never will be anything and no one will ever love me. So Mentally Messed Up I Feel I Cannot Fix Myself. I am going to end it soon.",Suicidal +10796,"I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I have tried to get help for so long but no one wants to help- not friends, not family, not even mental health professionals I have paid to help me. I do not know if its just that they cannot help me or if they do not want to. I cannot live like this anymore. Every time I reach out for help I am dismissed or ignored. I have done everything those suicide awareness campaigns tell you to do. Nobody cares. I just want to be listened to and understood. I am so, so lonely",Suicidal +10797,"Please do not give up! there are better times ahead for everyone!Life is full of different twists and turns, but if you keep hopeful, we can make it through! Never give up! Suicide has no take backs, it is not the answer! The world is so beautiful, just open your eyes and take a deep breath, and believe in yourself! Believe that you are strong enough to get past this dark spot of your life, because you are! I believe in you. You can do this, stay positive everyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you! Never give up! To all those reading this! I hope you have a wonderful day!",Suicidal +10798,"I grew up poor and came to realize the only thing that will make someone happy is money. it is all I give a shit about.I am trying to become a nurse so I can have a high income and if I fail then there is no point in me trying anymore.Rent is skyrocketing around America, healthcare is damn near impossible to afford and their saying us Gen Z will never retire. MONEY IS ALL THAT MATTERSAnd before anyone says ""Money will not buy you happiness"" or ""Fulfilment is what makes you happy"" you are fucking deluding yourself and you should be ashamed if you go around telling people that.When I see rappers like Lil Boosie flat out say money is the key to happiness I believe him not you! When I see comedians like Daniel Tosh get up on stage and say ""Of course it buys happiness"" There the ones that are right not your dirt poor ass. Without money I will end up killing myself",Depression +10799,"Sometimes I just want to escape, I do not know where or how.also a thought that comes up again when I am depressed is that I want to disappear from the world. Not die, just disapear. I do not know anymore",Depression +10800,"I am afraid of the pain of dying and potentially failing to die. But I have no desire or energy to exist anymore so I just lie around letting my life fall apart while pushing everyone away, inching closer and closer to it. I really feel trapped and every aspect of my life makes me want to leave this all behind. I really do not see how my non-existence would affect anyone negatively except maybe feeling sad for some time which is normal, but ultimately they would be better off. I just do not see the use of me being here except sucking up resources that others need. I cannot find any real reasons to live so it makes it really hard to help myself. I feel hopeless and my life is falling apart and i cannot stop it. I do not know what to do. Trapped",Suicidal +10801, let me know especially if you have ordered from the UK because I am worried about wasting my money or having it stopped at customs or something stupid Any information or other recommendations for ordering from the UK would be extremely helpful thanks in advance Has anyone bought sodium nitrite from this source and did it arrive with no problems?,Suicidal +10802,"I feel like I jus have no life at all, like a complete and utter loser. I have no friends, the only friend I have is my sisters friend. I wake up and have nothing to do all day I do not each much anymore, and I can see myself fading away more and more. I often reminisce on when I was younger wishing I could go back jus to not have to deal with my problems anymore but its jus pointless now... everything is pointless now, eating, talking, smiling, living. I just cannot find excitement about anything. So I am starting to think about giving up idk tired with my life.",Suicidal +10803,"I am a black( dark skin) Female. I wish death on myself everyday... I took my braids out last night. Braided them again so yknow my hair will get curly. I woke up this morning and took the braids out and comb it a lil bit and the curls were gone... I got so mad I started tugging my hair so hard it hurted my scalped. I started to talk to myself. I fucking hate myself so much I want to dieI have those thoughts everyday/ everywhere I go. I despise my black skin, my strawberry legs, my black features, my /( I am at Walmart rn so Ill continue this later) I despise myself so much",Suicidal +10804,"The titles a little sketchy, but what I am trying to say is I think the person your born loving the most on the planet rg your mum or so and so dies you choose your mum right? I was with this girl 6 years, and I miss her so much. I thought it would fade with time and fucking around, but I still miss her so much. We went through so much, 19 to 25 for me, 17 to 22 for her. Its hard to fathem how I feel about this girl.Unless you have had multiple serious relationships and one sticks out. Or maybe it is just the most recent/oldest. I just wish she knew how much I missed her and how sorry I am. In a sense this is another sad plea for help to one person on this rock that can make it better. But I truly do not deserve to know her, and it just makes me hate myself more. If you meet someone cool, do not fucking cheat, do not hurt them and do not lie to them. Fuck it you all. Anyone got some H? I think I actually loved her more than my mum.",Depression +10805,"I am a 26 y/o father who suffers from agoraphobia, anxiety, and depression. In the last 5 years I have worked extremely hard to better myself in my career, as a father, and with my mental health. I graduated barber school about 4 years ago and had been regularly talking with clients, and co workers. About 6 months ago I decided it was time to venture forward and open up my own Mobil barbershop. All the way until the beginning of this month I had been working in a shop, and working on completely gutting out and building a barbershop inside a bus. I accomplished my task, and created a beautiful shop. Now I have been waiting on my freelance license and my plates and registration for my bus. Since the beginning of the month. The truth is though, I have not been able to bring myself to go turn in the paperwork to get the process started. I have completely backslid to who I was before I became a father, and a barber. I do not see the point in utterly anything. Even if I know that it will better my life I cannot bring myself to rarely even leave the house anymore. I have split custody of my daughter, and to be completely honest. I have NOT been the father I know she deserves. I have been letting her watch tv entirely too much this weekend, and I can barely bring myself to interact with her. I mean I am doing the necessary parts of being a parent. (Food, shelter, comfort) but I know that I need to do better. I know how it feels not to fake it, and this is not it. I feel like the biggest failure on this planet right now and I do not see any end in sight. Thank you for taking the time to read my jibber jabber. I do appreciate it. Losing my mind or my business..",Depression +10806,Everytime I have been suicidal I have always made the mistake of letting people know I am this time I am not I am not letting anyone talk me out of it and no one will know so they will not worry Suicide time,Depression +10807,"And now thinking of going back and trying to clean all that mess seems worse than anything i can imagine , i worked so hard to get to where i am and religion and religious people took it all away from me, and now i am left with bunch of mental health problems , i do not see any way out from this other than killing myself, I want to cry, i cannot cry, i want to scream, i cannot scream, I am drowning, help me to breath I lost everything i have because of religion",Suicidal +10808,Hey I am about to turn 15 in about two weeks and I cannot help feeling that I am already too old and that my life is already coming to an end. I am struggling with nostalgic depression if that is even a thing and cannot help feeling that I wish I was young again. Anybody Going through the same thing? Hi I am a 15m and I am feeling extremely depressed about my age,Depression +10809,Depression just destroys my motivation. I cannot force myself to do anything to achieve my goals. I just procrastinate and I look back at the end of my day and I have done absolutely nothing. Anyone got any tips on how to overcome this ? Motivation,Depression +10810,I just feel so lonely. I have nothing to do on weekend nights or on any night really but it hurts more when its Friday or Saturday. I am so alone and have no where to go to. I just wish I had someone to hang out with. I do not have anyone to go out with during the weekends.,Depression +10811,"When i discovered i had depression, i swore at myself that I will never consider suicide ever. But what can i do.I played Omori recently. I am not going to spoil the game but it had a good and a bad effect on me. The good part was that i understand how there is always a way to get out.By holding on to good things...But what if i had no more good things in my life.Un-understanding parents that are just mocking me 24/7 and telling me how my problems are not that bad even tho they areFriends who left me and spat on me when i needed them the most, and all of that because of a ridiculous story that everyone took to an extremeMyself who cannot stop insulting myself of all possible slurs and insults, and my inner voice making me having a self-hate so huge and deep i cannot put it in wordsAnd i never felt good ever. I only have traumatic and sad memories from my childhoodWhat do i do. Practically no one ever responds to these so if anyone has any idea, please help.Oh and my parents will not take me to another therapists since the 4 I have had did not help I just realised how hopeless my situation is",Suicidal +10812,"I am a disgusting human being. I got taken advantage of as a child and was shown CP by this person online when I was younger and I am just sitting here as an adult still remembering what I viewed and indulged in before knowing it was bad. I am just a gross pedophile, but I would never harm or touch a kid. I would never actively seek to go after kids and I do not go searching for it like I did when I was 8-10. It just feels like I need to kill myself in order to atone myself for the sins I viewed, or at least stab my eyes out. I do not deserve this life. Suicide over childhood P*do",Suicidal +10813,"I wish I had a gun right, it would make it so easy. I would blow my fucking head off right now without hesitation. Why the fuck does it have to be so hard to get a gun? Why should I have to jump through hurdles and do a bunch of bullshit just so I can finally kill myself?They should just make suicide booths already. Why do they force people to live? Just make an easy, quick and painless way for suicidal people to kill themselves, I thought overpopulation was a problem anyway? No I do not want to fucking hang myself, that is a horrible way to die. Just give us an easy way out already. Why does it have to be so difficult?",Suicidal +10814,"This mountain is where I found quite a large spot. A ton of height and just solid concrete at the bottom as it was by a parking lot. I found this spot years ago and think about it when I think about killing myself. Today I went to go find it. Not to end it all. Just to see it and I guess think. But I could not find it. There was a whole bunch of trees, no wya its gone but I do not know that was my escape plan for August. The only other idea I have is death by train but I I do not know I went to a mountain today",Suicidal +10815,Something triggered me earlier and now my insides are turning and burning and ripping me apart and I feel like nothing is ever going to fill me in the way that the hole in my chest needs to be filled.I feel so hopeless that suicide feels like the only option.My hands are aching to scratch my torso open and stop the feelings that make me feel like this but the world is so disgusting and cruel that I feel like I am drowning in a sea of shit and it only gets worse. I am burning,Suicidal +10816,"I have come to the terms with the fact my partner is no longer giving me what I need, and its not healthy for me to settle. I just want everything to end. I thought he was my soulmate but I want to self harm and die.Help I am struggling.",Suicidal +10817,"So SAD rn. My life is terrible , and I am attached/addicted to someone who could not give shit if I died. Why must I suffer when I done HAVE to, why is the only option to end my suffering so difficult ! Tearssss",Suicidal +10818,"I just hate this feeling of emptiness I have 24/7. I cannot even say its sadness, its just a feeling of pure emptiness I hate this felling of emptiness",Depression +10819,"I recently turned 19 and every year that I get older I feel more despair. I feel like I am getting closer and closer to true adulthood but have no direction. I often struggle with feelings if depression like there is no reason to live, but I do not think of killing myself because I am too afraid of death.Now it is not like I do nothing with myself, I do a lot, but I do a lot in order to waist time and keep myself from feeling alone or bored. I work 2 part times jobs, one at whole foods, and the other at a physical therapy office. Tbh my main reasons for working are not even the money it is to do something. I also train baseball players 3 times a week for 1.5 hours. I also workout 5-6 days a week, and go on walks when I can. I also study Japanese, and study different scientific topics in my free time, and I occasionally make youtube videos. I do a lot, but I still feel incomplete. I still feel like I have no direction in life because I do not know what I truly want to do. I am afraid to commit to anything. Also, I have trouble talking to people especially women. I am so incredibly shy and sick of not being be able to talk to girls. I also do not really care for hanging out with friends. I occasionally go out, but really only so my parents will not say anything to me about not being social. I started a YouTube channel tbh in the hopes of making a career off of it. But within weeks I lost the desire and care for making videos. I still make videos, but do not really care. I think I was driven to make videos in the hopes of fame, because I frequently compare myself to YouTube stars who are the same age as me and already have their life seemingly figured out. I work out, and struggle with body dysmorphia. I constantly think of myself as fat or small, and am never satisfied with myself. I compare my strength to people on the internet and end up feeling insecure af. Even those motivational videos where a guy with a missing leg is doing squats or something makes me feel bad. I think to myself he has 1 leg and I can barly do that.I work to fill time. I work at physical therapy office to get experience because I have thought of becoming one, but tbh I am not that interested. I just cannot think of anything else to do with my life. I want to be able to work for myself, but I cannot think of any ideas that would allow that. In short I am extremely lost. I know this is just a mumble jumble of words, but I could not concisely say all of this. I am looking for any guidance, or advice that anyone can give. If you got to the end of this thank you for reading and helping me out. I am not 19 and feel like I have no direction",Depression +10820,"Tick tock, clocks ticking Just another 60 years and Ill be in the clear!",Suicidal +10821,"I can go walking, but it is not going to last very long. I could read a book outside, but I do not really read that much. I could just get some food and eat outside, but I feel awkward about people judging me. When I do spend that time outside, and I do not have much to do, I end up watching others, which not only makes me feel like a bit of a creep, but also makes me sad to see everyone else enjoying themselves.I wish I could enjoy other things outside since I know I feel better out there, but not having anything to do while outside sometimes feels worse. Spending time outside tends to make me feel better, but I have nothing to do outside.",Depression +10822,I am sadly not dead yet. Please pray for me to die in my sleep tonightthank you Not dead yet,Depression +10823,"Cryin because I always end up here no matter what. I still have me but I am so mentally and physically ruined I am better off dead, plus I am broke ,so I cannot even have the joy money brings. I just want long lasting happiness",Suicidal +10824,"Days go on and on one way indistinguishable from the other, I am 21 have not done anything in my life. Self loathing,anixiety never ends. it is not like i have gone through anything traumatic and i have already given up on life. Timidity has followed me everywhere i cannot stand up for my own believes,ideas. When i think of my future all i see is a depressing lifeless routine. Trapped in a life which has no Vitality. My parents love me, they work very hard and they are so unlucky,ill-fated to have a son like me, who never does something they expect of me. i wish there is some technology that can wipe my memories of their brains so that i can kill myself today. How set up carbon monoxide at home? Any ideas?. Waiting for my parents to die so that i can kill myself.",Suicidal +10825,"This is when things actually get better as well, you know, the whole law of attraction. -_- I love how detached I feel when I am suicidal",Suicidal +10826,"This is just a rant.Like even being with my gf is exhausting because I have overshared sometimes and her reaction was not very pleasant. Now I am very cautious about how much of my thoughts I am displaying. If I keep rambling about how bad I feel or why I feel bad, people seem to either 1) just run their bullshit npc-like script on how I am able to deal with my depression and everything will be fine or 2) just snap at me because apparently I keep whining about shit(not the words of my gf).I am glad I joined a self help group of people suffering from depression so at least I can rant/vent to those people. Still hurts tho like why would my gf be like that. If she would feel how I am feeling right now I would be as understandable as I could and not be so rude sometimes.Before you guys ask, yes I am happy with her, it is just those moments where I feel like I would need somebody to talk to and she is just frustrated with my depression. Well, hello I am very upset with feeling like this at well. People out here just acting like I could flip the fucking switch into ""happy mode"". Being with people close to me is so exhausting because I need to wear my ""happy mask""",Depression +10827,I keep trying to make everyone happy and please everyone. Even if I try my best they always have an issue with something I am doing. I am so tired. I want to die or self harm something. I am so tired,Suicidal +10828,"I tried to be strong physically and mentally. I had hope, lots of it. But after years of nothing happy and good happening. Why would I keep going? Its only right for me to commit suicide. ThTs what they want, the universe? God? The creator. God teases and bullys me. He let us the devil have me. So if that is what is supposed to happene why would I keep allowing myself to suffer? I had big dreams and goals, I was a happy kid, genuinely nice but the world has changed me. For the first time I need toe be honest with myself. I want to die. And I do not see anything happy in my future. After all the hope and let downs I have had I would be a fool to keep going and allowing the world to continue to beat me. If someone seees this I just want you to know I tried. I truly did put up a fight. But sadly as always I did not come out victorious. My family does not deserve this. I at least wanted to live for them. But we do not always get what we want and I want to go. I hate that it cameTo this but I am so sad and tired. I am at my limit and I cannot tAke it anymore. Goodbye I tried to be strong",Depression +10829,"Still here, I do feel physically more closer to death tho which is nice Back at it again",Suicidal +10830,"I am 21 now but when I was a teenager starting 18 and below I was always hurt and confused that women would reject me every time for dates. I never understood why, I thought my personality was not good enough for women to like me backTurns out I was really ugly and did not know it, bad clothing, terrible haircut, cystic acne, skeletor skinny. Since I was 18 I have been working on myself to hit the gym and get muscular, went on accutane so no more acne, better haircut, better style, etc. I went from. 2-3/10 to a 8-9/10 Suddenly so much girls are interested in me, people actually want to be my friend now, everyone thinks I am more confident, like-able, less awkward, etc. than I once was years ago Everything just feels empty and superficial. If anything I am a worse person than I was 3 years ago, I feel like looks are the most important thing in life and how people perceive you, and seeing how people treat me now has changed my worldview, and it has shattered me mentally. I do not believe in love anymore, people just love how I look I do not believe in love anymore",Depression +10831,is there a fucking poison that just make me go away i want to figure it out. i need to leave this world full of morons and mean people. the only persons i put love in hate me. i do not want to live and i feel like imma commit a genocide if i do not find a way to die bexause i do not want to be the only one in pain. I want to die,Suicidal +10832,"I am 24 now and maybe it was my dysfunctional family, my upbringing, my environment. I have always been shy, introverted and never really talk to people. I had good friends as a child but into high school I did not have anyone. people are fake, users, deceiving. I did not understand how relationships happened, how people date. what is this love teachers give to their students. kids going out to parties but I could not fit in, kids have friend groups and do stupid funny things, i could not have. I thought I had a friend group in college and this girl messed it all up because she had caught feelings for her exes best friend and then because he was not giving it to her, she slept with his other friend and thus the whole group split. I understand her feelings, I want to experience a relationship but this whole society seems messed up. I cannot even deal with the long distance relationships. I need something here and now in the moment. I wish I could just forget it all and just have the motivation to be the person I want to be, be good at learning languages, producing music, web design, graphic design, film editing, photography, hitting the gym, doing stocks and finance, like there are just so many things I could do for myself but I do not have the motivation at all. even in my current job I get so bored quickly reading all these white papers, I want to get out and be proactive. I have always felt like life is never the way I want it to be.",Depression +10833,"Hi,,idk what I am doing honestly. I have experienced suicidal thoughts and impulses since I was 11 years old and every day had been a struggle; I am diagnosed with chronic, severe major depressive disorder, ptsd, and ocd and being alive is a struggle. I have not been able to work since 2018 and recently I was denied for ssd and I just ! Feel like such a burden on my family I do not know what to do. I have tried 20 different medications, I take 7 daily right now and it just. is not getting better. I do not want to live like this forever. I cannot. I will not. there is only one sure way out and idk I have written a rough draft for a note but I hate it and I cannot leave my baby sister with nothing but a music box and a shit letter so I guess I have to refine it or something. I do not know. Feels like forever",Suicidal +10834,"I have only 1 person I can somewhat open to but I have only done so to a certain extent and try to refrain from doing it at all for the most part. I feel guilty as if I am bothering them with unfairly dumping my bullshit onto them and as if I am doing it for attention or pity. I honestly have no clue how long this will end up being. Whether this story grosses you out, makes you hate me, or even if you choose not to read it, everything is fine with me. It does not really have a point. I just felt like Id never actually let my thoughts out properly and so this is my trashbin.Was raised in a single mother household and never knew my father. Mother divorced him for being psychotic and threatening not only her life but the lives of his children as well. This was after years of her holding out believing it was her duty to sacrifice herself to let her children have a financially stable home with 2 parents. We ended up in a very low class town with minimal income but my mother worked herself to the bone with low paying jobs in an attempt to make sure we still had as good of a life as she could make. Unfortunately I still ended up being a weird kid. Not really sure why but I have always wondered if I had a disorder that was simply never noticed and properly diagnosed. I know now though that I have severe anxiety problems which were hereditary. She spent every last ounce of her strength just trying to provide for the family so she had very little left over to actually raise the children. Once I got into the public elementary school my weirdness ended up with me never developing any connections. Eventually there was severe bullying. I would never paid any attention to it till my most recent years when I started to reflect on why I am the way I am now, but I know that some of it definitely mentally changed me in very not good ways. Though all these years I never thought of it as such. For what I believe was the reason above I ended up dropping out of the school system after at least a year of problems. The biggest was me refusing to go to school by faking epileptic seizures as a way to get out. I actually had epilepsy but all of the ""seizures"" I ever had at school were fake. The final nail in the coffin was 1 particularly violent bully beating the shit out of me and stomping my head into the concrete pavement for almost a minute like he was playing dance dance revolution at an arcade. Teacher was too scared to physically stop him I guess? Stayed out of the system for like 3-4 years while the public school shut down. We live in an extremely economically dead town. Like the majority of the towns roughly 1000 population are under the 10k annually mark (including us) and barely survive solely off government benefits and the low cost of living. That was when I first started to seclude myself off. It was not terrible but at the same time I had no real social connections. I did things like go on occasional outings with family members and such but I had no friends or social groups at all. Eventually I started to really dive into my playstation 2 and slowly started sticking there more and more as time went on. My grandparents both finally fell down ill due to old age. My grandmother developed parkinsons and my grandfather went through several bad falls as well as slowly developing dementia. This was an unbearably huge amount of stress on my mother who was already being torn apart by how hard she was struggling to keep the household up. Eventually she decided to sacrifice her job in exchange for taking up the home healthcare position of taking care of my grandparents. With this she would work literally next door to us, be able to take care of her parents when no one else in the family would, and she would still make an income. It was shaky but things were still fine back then. Around the age of 11 or so (bad memory of things back then) she decided to pay a heavy amount of money to put me back into school. There was a VERY small little private school in town that was run by an older gentleman named Mr. G, 3 teachers, and maybe a total student body of 25 or so children in various grades split between those 3. 2 of them were very nice older women named Miss D and then my teacher named Miss N,. I guess I had problems with anxiety but eventually I managed to be somewhat happy. Unfortunately the third teacher, Miss P who was the daughter of Miss D, was a very difficult person. She had extreme anger issues, seemed to just dislike children as a whole, and had absolutely no patience for anyone who lacked. Miss N was a much more Elderly woman than the other 2 and at some point she became far too ill to continue her teaching job. The remaining kids were mostly moved to Miss P's class with the only exceptions being the much younger children in the lower grades. Every single day was a living hell for me. The simplest way to describe it is that she held extreme animosity towards the weaker kids. If you were falling behind in the pace of your work, or if you were not producing grades that she was happy with, or if you did not understand something, she just hated you. When you did something like this she would threaten you, scream at you, talk to you like she was about to physically beat the shit out of you, oftentimes not so subtly threatening to actually do so. She used intimidation like standing directly above you in your seat and silently glaring you down. it would be even worse when she would bend down and put herself right in your face and start with her threatening. Or she would take a heavy book and slam it in front of you. There were at least 2 kids that definitely had learning problems, like a young little blonde boy named Tyler. The poor kid would often be the last to finish his work, or maybe it was even a group of 3 of us. she would slam her hand down on her desk in the corner, look at us like she was about to kill us, and then tell us in the most threatening manner that she could muster ""Get it down NOW"". The school had a physical discipline policy that was based on parental permission. she would often take Tyler somewhere to beat his ass with a belt when he was not performing like she wanted. The other method she used a lot was what I liken to a military ""shark attack"". she would take the student to a separate part of the school, plop them down in a chair, and start shouting in their face. She berated them on why they cannot do what she wants them to do, why they cannot do it fast enough, why cannot you understand this or that when you should be able to understand it, and when some poor kid can only respond with ""I do not know"" she just lays on harder. She always told us that we CAN do it how she wants but we are just lazy or do not want to do it. Or that our parents did not raise us properly.The principal, Mr G, apparently knew about some of this but Miss D did her best to protect her daughter. Some of the parents would become aware of this and many different students over the years would get taken out because they could not handle Miss P. Miss D was honestly a nice and good hearted person but I guess she simply loved her daughter and did not want to see her fired. I still do not know to this day how the school had not been hit with any legal problems but maybe what she was doing was not considered abuse or anything.Eventually history repeated itself and I continued to miss more and more school. I would wake up hours before it was time to leave for school because I was terrified of going and could not sleep. A lot of times I would cry on the way there and beg my mother to not force me to go. I think I had a hard time explaining to her why I hated school so much. She knew the teacher was causing issues but was not sure of what to do. Because she was soft she would let me skip school pretty often on days like that, but she was also pressed as she was paying the school a huge fee monthly for me to go, I was losing a lot of school work due to missing everything, and she was also legally pressed as there was a child law stating that you could not miss so many days of school. Finally after so long of it she mentally could not handle juggling my problematic school life and her other responsibilities so she pulled me out. I was labeled as being homeschooled so we were legally safe but I never touched a single bit of homeschooling work at all. Same situation as before. I had not managed to build any relationships with people and had no connections to social groups. I went back to my little room and continued to play video games. As the years went by I became more and more secluded and slowly degenerated as a person. Stopped interacting with even my family members, stopped leaving the house for days at a time, stopped interacting with my mother, stopped interacting with the house, ect. Then came things like neglecting my basic hygiene, neglecting my responsibility to assist with the household, ect. I am not worried about revealing this as I can remain anonymous but I believe my hygiene and standard of living was probably far below what most people could imagine. At the worst points of it I could have gone a month or over without bathing and years without brushing my teeth. My room had become a literal vile trash heap filled with soda cans, junk, dishes, and rotting food. How I never contracted some horrific disease is beyond me, and somehow I came out with a perfectly healthy set of teeth despite horrible yellowing. Through it all my mother destroyed herself trying to deal with me as a life sucking parasite living in the back of her house and her slowly dying parents that were succumbing to old age and terrible illnesses. I sat by staring at my computer screen, having basically no human interaction with anyone and even amongst online groups still being a weirdo that never got along with people, not paying attention to both her and the house falling apart. Even in my little computer world I was not satisfied though. I still do not understand a lot about myself but I believe I sought out video games as a form of fulfillment as I have nothing else. I looked towards competitive games or extremely grind heavy games as a way of feeling like I could accomplish something and feel like I had worth. Unfortunately I quickly learned that I was pretty mediocre at these things as well. Even if I could happily play a game 10, 12, 14 hours a day I still could not succeed how others could. I started to learn very quickly that regardless of what I dived into I was also lacking. I believe this led to my complex of believing that I am incapable of doing anything at all. Somewhere at around the age of 18 I got some awareness and finally realized where I would gone. Spent all of those years thinking ""No way I could end up like this. that is impossible."" and then suddenly I open my eyes and I am already there. Seen my husk of a mother dealing with a dysfunctional family, both from her children and her siblings. Seeing everything I would loved as a child decayed and gone. I had a cousin named Jeff and his father named Sammy who I loved more than anyone else when I was a kid. When I was much younger Jeff died after a life fighting against cancer which left his father and mother broken. Instead of trying to connect with my uncle which could have done us both good I instead spent my time shutting myself off from my family, and eventually he also passed away from a broken heart and crippling illness. I cannot tell you how much I regret that. In 2017 my grandfather finally passed away from his problems, and then about 1 year later my grandmother followed after him. That was the end of my mothers employment and thus any income we had. Her mental state was destroyed by the years of stress and then the loss of her parents, and she was already in her 50's on top of being physically worn out so even if she wanted to try she was no longer fit for work. I was a pile of shit with mental issues who could not even interact with people properly anymore much less join the workforce. What little education I started out with had been completely forgotten and I forget how to even write. I can still write letters but there is almost no way I could handle anything past a few simple words. I only relearned how to write my name in cursive because I had to start filling out my own paperwork in hospitals and such. I never actually remembered or possibly even learned how to use proper grammar and punctuation. What I am doing now is only from me copying what I see other people do and trying to figure out how it is used from there. I have tried self learning things in the past but I get overwhelmed and it feels like I cannot grasp anything no matter what I try. We spent the next several years in financial hell. Begging friends and family for money where we can just to keep utilities and internet on, of course using government programs for things like food stamps. There were plenty of times where we would lose electricity or water anyway as there is a limit to begging and what others can do to help you when they are struggling with their own lives. Our relatives in Texas were a bit more successful and it was in large part thanks to them that we even managed at some points. Even still we have had situations where we lived without water for months before, electricity for weeks, ect. We also managed to rack up a utility debt to the town which is where we would lose the water a lot. It was due to an error on their part where they failed to shut off our gas line and thus charged us for utilities we did not use. We were constantly hit by struggle after struggle but life continued on. Somewhere along the way I developed a back disability. It could have been hereditary, it could have been a random occurrence, or it could have been a result of my terrible lifestyle. I do not know the answer. At first it was not anything major but it slowly progressed to be worse and worse as time went on. After so long we started to piece things back together through a few different methods. Specifically we relied on a deposit that originally belonged to my grandparents but my family handed it over to us since we needed money the most. Then my grandfather's precious car that had decayed away in his garage was also sold. This money at least helped us for a few months until we finally managed to get more government assistance and deal with the town. We managed to get a program that pays for our electricity and then got the town to ignore the debt of our water bill for the time being while we pay a small amount every month to keep it on. Eventually though I started to crack. Over the years I refused to swallow the notion of depression. I had lived my entire life by having my mother take care of me, sacrificing herself to deal with me even though she should not have. I had not changed my ways much but I started to develop a mentality that I did not deserve anything from anyone, especially not the right to be depressed. I would have moments where it would creep up on me, but I would throw it away and ignore it. However time went on and the guilt only piled up. I could not change my ways or do anything to change my life. I am nothing but a burden and I cannot change it. The fact that I would always revert back to my ways and the fact that years went by without any sort of change killed me so much. Then one day about a year ago I watched a motivational video from an old man who started from a truly low position in life. He was a bright and strong old guy who tried to convince the younger generation that they can do it and that he understands that life is hard for people in these times, maybe even harder than it was in his. I watched a few of his videos and the only thing I could think was ""I am nothing like this person. I cannot be as strong as this person. I cannot change my life like this person. I am sorry for failing."". that is when I first started hurting myself. was not anything major. Was an old pocket knife and I did not aim deep. And you know? It felt good. Not in a physical way of course. I would been taking so many painkiller/muscle relaxer pills that I did not feel much. However I would always thought that I could not even commit suicide if I wanted to because I would be too weak to even endure the pain or have the guts enough to because it. But those few cuts proved me wrong. I could do it and it was pretty easy, and that made me happy. For about a week I would continue making cuts here and there just to continue reaffirming that feeling of accomplishment. I just passed the cuts off as my huge cat losing his marbles and attacking my arm. Since I would never really interacted with my mother much and never allowed myself to show any sort of symptoms of depression she did not even begin to suspect anything else. But then an argument happened. It was something stupidly simple. I had a pack of meat that I wanted to take out of the freezer to defrost, but it was 2 separate packs joined in the middle by tough plastic. I could not separate it and lazily threw the entire thing into the fridge to defrost. My mother stopped me and proceeded to lecture me about how I always waste so much food and I got annoyed. I just grabbed the meat and was going to chuck it back into the freezer for another time but then she got pissed at that as well and jerked it out from in front of me and started telling me how I am always so childish, impatient, lazy, and ""I am beginning to think that you will never change"". This one little line broke something. I thought to myself ""She also understands that I am worthless and that I will never change or become better"". It was like I knew that she knew the entire time but hearing it and thus confirming it is an entirely different thing for me. Even though I of course knew that is not what she meant I could not help but think about these things. I quietly slinked off into my room like I normally do but once I was behind a closed door and was not being bothered I silently broke down. I cried, I laughed at myself, and then I started cutting more. This time was harder. I was angry at myself with how fucking pathetic and disgusting and how much of a soul sucking worm I was. After a few larger cuts than normal I really broke down and finally started going for real deep wounds.Then I looked out of the corner of my eye and noticed an old fish fillet knife on my desk. I enjoy knives as a hobby so I had a lot of different stuff scattered around my room. I took it, thought about what sort of damage I could deal with it, and I was happy at the thought. To avoid explicit details I ended up with 4 deep gashes. I was not sure if I was necessarily thinking of committing suicide with that or not. I almost wanted it but I also avoided cutting directly on the wrist and also remained aware the entire time that I knew a better method to ensure it would work if I committed to it. I did not feel much of anything, maybe not even the slightest burn. could have been adrenaline, could have been the pain meds, could have been both. However as I sat there for a while breaking down further and further while I continued to bleed badly the thought crossed my mind that I could have actually done potentially fatal damage. I never really had a plan to begin with for hiding such massive cuts but they were far beyond the point of just wrapping them up and pretending it was nothing. that is when my legs gave out, my vision blurred, I became ultra light headed, and my arms and hands became extremely numb while tingling super hard. Id suddenly got scared and thought that I might have killed myself somehow. I stumbled to the front of the house and showed my mother what happened. Told her I loved her and was sorry for failing her and then just sat down on the kitchen floor and just kind of blurred out from there. A nearby off duty EMT rushed over and took a look. Nothing fatal as the knife had been dulled over the years without me knowing but stitches were definitely needed so she patched me up as best as she could and I was rushed to a hospital in a far off city. Closest city could not accept me due to covid or something so I ended up going to a larger but further away city. Mother cried so much on the way there and she was absolutely traumatized. Ended up saying goodbye to her at the hospital entrance and then sat in a holding cell for what was probably about 3-4 hours. Went through the process of getting patched up and once day break hit I got shipped off to a mental facility nearby. I spent about a week there. I had more human interaction in that 1 week than I had in the entire 10 years leading up to that point, and most of it was me silently sitting in the corner. Despite that though the facility was not worth anything at all and I am still not sure how people are cured there. Maybe it was a holding facility and not an actual hospital but I do not know and never cared to know. It was just a depressing common room where everyone just sat around in uncomfortable chairs, drank decaffeinated coffee, and tried their best to sleep through the day until they were allowed to go back to their rooms for the night. Met some interesting characters. The people in there ranged from people with major disorders, to people in drug remission, people coming off an alcohol trip, and even something like anger problems. Got to meet a gorgeous young hood girl named Audrey who I instantly developed a crush on and also got to experience what it was like having a roommate even if I absolutely hated it. Was picked up by my mother and uncle after my week was up and really had not received any sort of help or counseling. Id felt like an entirely different person though just finally being around people and even briefly opening up about myself to a few people around me. Had some sort of psychiatrist call center try to help me afterwards but all it amounted to was a group of random people who I formed no connection to calling me up whenever they felt like it to ask me if I was ok and if I needed any more meds. I was probably at fault since Id already had a hard time opening up but I felt even less inclined when it was someone I did not care about or know over the phone. Suddenly for a short bit I had family members swarming around and feeling like they had to somehow help me. Was given my first cellphone as I had not ever needed nor wanted one previously, and not but maybe a few weeks later my cousin contacted me to tell me he wanted me to work a part time job. Its really low hours which works in my favor with my disability and its a simple cleaning job so I can pick it up so easily. I thought of this as a first step that would hopefully give me a mentality that I can do better and I can be of use to people. The money is next to nothing but for the first time in years we do not have to ask someone for assistance the moment we need even the smallest of things. Can keep basic household items around, keep my pets fed, try to keep bills paid, ect. After about 2 or so months I turned towards fixing my back. If my legs recover from the severe muscle pains I experience when walking then I could hold a full time job with good pay and from there its just a slow process of building myself up. The ineptitude I feel, the lack of education that haunts me, the disability that holds me back, all of it could be fixed with some time. I felt so happy and it was such a new feeling that I had not felt in so long. that is when everything quickly came caving in. So far my doctors and related medical procedures were all moving at a crawl. I spent several years dealing with a doctor that had to be demanded to move through several visits before they would actually do something, and I repeatedly kept getting thrown back and forth between tests and random crap. I ended up in physical therapy several times but that never amounted to much because apparently government health insurance does not afford particularly quality or motivated therapy sessions. That went nowhere fast and so Id spent the years up until that point just hopped up on a high dose of painkiller/muscle relaxers. However all of a sudden everything sped up real damn quick. There was immediate discussion about consulting a neurosurgeon which we spent a while trying to find due to not only the limitations on what the state had available but also what we could find with our insurance. Dumb doctor seemed optimistic and told me it should be easily treatable. Finally got to meet my neurosurgeon for the first time and he was even more optimistic. He spun a tale of how so damn easy and quick it would be to fix a busted disc and that even if the back pain was not 100% cured there was no way he could not fix it up so that my legs were not fine again. Said everything was a guaranteed easy operation. So on my very first consultation due to my naivety and stupidly thinking I could trust doctors I agreed to a surgery. Short version of that is several shady things happened with that doctor and after about a month or 2 of recovery I could safely say that not only had the surgery failed but I was not at least 2 or 3 times worse off than I was previously. Now that were later into 2021 I have been told after a follow up visit that the disc is no longer salvageable and the damage may yet get worse as there are signs that more discs will degrade and blow out in the future. A surgery to potentially stop the problem from worsening has been suggested but all of his previous enthusiasm is gone and he believes there is a good chance the rest of my discs will go bad regardless of what happens. For now I am taking more pain meds than before just trying to keep my little job together but who knows when that will start to fail as well. In that time span of my cutting incident to now I rose up higher than Id been in years only to fall lower than Id ever been before mentally. Things like my hygiene have gotten to acceptable levels. I still have anxiety about so many things that eat away at me on a daily basis but I have gotten better at talking to people even if I cannot manage to build social connections. But I have completely lost hope of ever escaping poverty, ever having a body that is not too weak to do what I want, trying to build a normal social life and make up for all those years I wasted, or even escaping from behind my little computer screen. Any time I try to think about it, or when someone tells me what I should be doing, somewhere along in that plan that I am cooking up I reach a roadblock that stems from something of these 3 issues. I have come to hate everything about myself and where I am at now. Even if I try to explain it away I still blame myself for ending up like this. Suicide seems to be the only thing I can think about now as I have lost all form of motivation to even do the things that I once enjoyed. I am simply trying to pass through each day until hopefully I hit another emotional breakdown that will give me the push I want to overcome everything else and just end it. Rather than wasting my time and spending my entire life self loathing and living like this I decided that if nothing changes by the time I am 25 in 2 more years Ill resolve myself to end it if I do not do it sooner. Venting and dumping my story here if that is fine. it is ok if it needs to be removed for whatever reason.",Suicidal +10835,I cannot feel anything even after my gf just broke up with me. I am so apathic idk what to do of I am just not caring anymore or just dead inside. If it is like this what is the point of being alive. cannot sleep too just want to eatbut I am already obese so I cannot. Idk what to do. Empty inside,Depression +10836,"Due to something that has happened between us were not friends anymore. I will not go into any details, but he hurt me on levels that I did not think were possible. I trusted him. He knew all of my secrets, my strengths and weaknesses, my past, aspirations and goalsand according to him, I only knew 17% of him. I was always okay with that. Until today. We were so close. I am ready to overdose on painkillers now. Or stab myself with one of our kitchen knives. This is the last straw. I cannot do this anymore. The one person who I thought was my best friend hurt me so deeply that I probably will not be able to recover. He knows he hurt me, and he intended it. He knows I am suicidal, and it makes him happy. I am so disgusted and hurt and tired and angry, I just want to slit my throat open and die. He was the last thing keeping me here. And now were done. Lost my best friend today",Suicidal +10837,Right now I am at the I cannot feel or enjoy anything anymore state. I cannot even feel love anymore. There is no relief anywhere besides sleep and drugs. I think I am nearing the end of the tracks. What are the symptoms of severe/end Stage depression?,Depression +10838,"Hey! So I am trying to get better at life. Eating better, exercising, actually doing uni classes, learning French/chess, gaming less, etc. The issue is that I started so far back from normal that I am still pretty pathetic, especially on the uni front. For context, I come from a very accomplished family. Not going to go into detail but my siblings are all geniuses. In jr high Id get 85s and even 90s on a report card and still be somewhat disappointing. Eventually I decided to just stop trying. Currently trying to reverse that. More context: last October I was very depressed and struggled with suicidal ideation. I have been tracking the number of hours I work each semester for a while and that semester I calculated it to an average of 0.7 hours a day (5.0 = 40 hr work week). I got help and got on some meds. Now I am at 2.1 hours a day (uni)+ learning French + chess + reading + exercise. I know its still really bad but I have basically tripled my output and I am proud of myself for that. I tried sharing my improvement with my family last night and I literally got laughed at. Like I know I am still considered lazy but GOD I am SORRY I WAS BUSY TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE URGE TO KILL MYSELF. It takes a long time (for me at least) to recover from that. I am just pissed that when I share my improvements people snicker. Lack of encouragement",Depression +10839,I alrwady talked with my therapist about it and she says its because of my traumas and that i cannot do much but I want to change it. Whenever I am out with my friends i feel lonely they talk to me etc but i just want to be in my bed again and want to cry. Its not that I hate my friends or anything but I simply cannot feel comfortable. On the other hand i want the friendship to continue otherwise I am even more lonely. Do you have a fix for feeling lonely when being around people?,Depression +10840,I will give it a go tonight . i know what will work so it is fine. no way to regret it if I am dead yeah whatevr,Suicidal +10841,"like I am on the phone with someone. i like to record myself talking to myself, then listen to it so i do not feel lonely.",Depression +10842,I took a much needed mental health leave from work for just cover a month. I am going back on Monday and I am terrified. Terrified to face the real world again. I took a leave because I was so depressed and overwhelmed and work was making it worse. I am nervous to see my coworkers and to have them wonder why I was gone. Going back to work after mental health leave,Depression +10843,I think I am done and I do not know what to do anymore. Is it really worth being here anymore? I have so much to live for but it just does not seem to be enough. I am hurting those around me more than helping. Surely that means it is time??? I think I am ready to go.,Suicidal +10844,"I have nothing. No friends, no future to look forward to, everyone i meet that I think I can trust betray me. I just want to be happy, but even that is too much to ask. If I was not so scared of pain or death, I would be dead by now. I just want a reason to stay before the day that I am not afraid inevitably comes around. Please help me I wish I was not scared to kill myself",Suicidal +10845,I am really scared to tell him because what if he will take it badly or something. I have know him for around 13 years and I really do not want to lose him to something stupid like this. We never talk about sensitive stuff like this or anything I have never told anyone irl about this before. How do I tell one of my closest friends that I used to cut,Depression +10846,"I lost my dad in October last year and my kitty a month ago so I have two major loses in half a year, I was fine before my dad died but then I just felt back into depression and my kitty died in my arms because my dog (who previously supposed to be my dad's dog but that was a lie people used for me to adopt him) killed my baby and she died in my arms while my bf and I was trying to get a vet.I lost hope in life or in living, my bf wants to break up with me because I gained so much weight and I keep crying randomly. Because he is someone very strong, he is in control of his emotions, he works out, he eats well, he is healthy in every way and I am just a piece of trash in his life. I am scared of the words ""ok, I am done let us break up"" because that would push me to just end it all. I have no reason to live, my brother keeps smoking weed and trying to make me do it too, my mother is too Ill and absent that without my bf I am just alone, I do not have real friends and I am tired to try hard to stand up and end up being hurt by something over and over again.All I want to do is get black out drunk and drink anxiolitics, but I keep trying to get my shit together. Therapy is not working in any way. I am not sure what advice to ask, I do not want to break up with my bf, he is not a bad person and I just want to stop loosing what I love most. I am even scared to love again because I know I will get hurt. I cannot seem to stop grieving because I keep loosing. At this point I am done",Depression +10847,I have been battling health issues and have yet to get a diagnosis despite so much money and time spent on tests. My young dog just passed over lymphoma. I could go on and on but I feel like things just keep piling up. I realize I am not special and there is millions of people with worse problems. But what this is life? Trying our best to stay afloat and pretending we are enjoying any of it? I feel like at this point I am only alive because I could not handle knowing I made any of my loved ones upset. it is just as of late with so much continuing to happen it seems even harder. I have battled depression and suicidal thoughts since I started anorexia when I was 10. I am now about to be 26. I am likely going to battle it the rest of my life and it is so exhausting to think about. I am sometimes jealous of those alive during the time when life expectancies were so low. I know I probably sound ridiculous and I am sorry. It just seems so pointless sometimes. It takes so much effort,Suicidal +10848,"At this point it is been so long since I began wanting to die , Ik how I will do it so why have not I. I just feel like this worthless vessel and I do not know why I was put here because I do not want to be , I am so ungrateful I have a life and I do not want it , in a way I also want to do it and be found so I can finally be helped or diagnosed because I just do not feel like I am 'unwell' enough to be helped I do not feel like I ever will be and I feel so pointless just being here all the time. I just want to go away forever disappear it is not like anyone actually gives two shits they see I am hurting I might just say ""f it"" and do it. I feel so worthless I just want to go so bad",Suicidal +10849,"It finally happened. The time to rejoice is now. Though it comes bittersweet, for it is short lived. I will fix this, I promise you. I will take away the pain. I finally found my answer",Depression +10850,"I been feeling depressed since I can remember.The first time I tried to off myself I was 5 years old but ever since I gave birth to my kids I been suppressing this feeling but the thoughts have always been there. This past few months I been dealing with a lot so I been honestly trying to ignore my depression and everything that comes with it. So with that said I went over my in laws to pick up so mail and my MIL and I started to talk and I made a stupid mistake to complain about my husband since I literally have no one and it just kind of happened. Now she thinks I am having an affair and she is mad at me I did not say anything that she does not already know. This made me feel horrible about myself and all the feelings I been suppressing came all at once and my suicidal thoughts are worse, I am not going to do it. My kids are literally the only thing that keep me going but I cried everytime I am alone I have to fight the urges to self harm. I am incredibly lonely and I just want someone to talk to. This has been the hardest week so far",Depression +10851,"I have autism, ADHD, and chronic migraines. Invisible disabilities. My executive dysfunction is so bad that basic self care is a struggle. I am 23 and have never had a full time job because the migraines make me miss too much work. I have never been able to keep close friends because I do not understand social interaction. I cannot support myself, I have to rely on my partner. All I want in life is the ability to be independent, but it looks like I will never have that.My last friend was driven away because I said something that offended her. I am still not sure why she was upset. I am horribly lonely. My partner and our two birds is all I have. I do not understand why my partner says he loves me. I am completely useless, like a stupid child. I have got nothing going for me.I often think about what I would need to do before ending my life. I would have to re-home my birds and get rid of my things...I would not want to leave everything for my partner to deal with. On the other hand, he may never get over the grief, and could even end up following me. That is the reason I am still here. Such a pathetic existence. I have got no reason to be here",Suicidal +10852,"Growing up my brother was insecure about being inferior to me and hated me. He made our parents believe that I was bullying him which is far from the truth I have always loved my bro but he could not help himself. I was constantly berated and no one listened to me when I had problems. I did poorly in school starting out and my mom often said that I would be out on the streets if I kept it up.I was a pretty weird kid entering school. I eventually figured out if I was funny people would tend to like me but that is really as deep as my connections ever went. I was molested by a school friend's older brother which is something I have never told another soul. It seems like I have a pattern of people making fun of me and trying to take advantage of me. I am not perfect but I try my best to be kind and accepting of people.That being said I do not have much trust in confiding in or forming new connections. Luckily I have always been pretty resilient. Though I have struggled with substance abuse in the past I am in a pretty good spot now concerning my career and physical health. I even managed to still have a few friends that I occasionally do things with but I still have trouble forming deeper connections.My family life has improved as everyone matured. But there is loneliness and I cannot get over the wall I have set up to really go about fixing that. I have been really focusing on myself for the past 5 years or so and while it has done me a lot of good, I feel extremely alone with it all. I find it really hard to trust other people",Depression +10853,"I just cannot do it. there is just so much shit to learn, its overwhelming, I could spend the whole day studying and I would not learn 1/100th of what I need to learn. I am most definitely not getting a job without a degree but I cannot do it, its too much. Tbh I just want to sleep and never wake up,it feels like life's over once you are done with High School I am failing college yet I feel powerless to do anything about it",Depression +10854,"I thought I have been through enough mental struggle that I do not care what happens anymore, and I am immune to all kind of thingsBut it makes me so sad and helpless when people are even a little mean to me. They did not even do anything wrong and I am just overreactingWhy am I like this I have been dead inside for so long but my feelings get hurt too easily",Depression +10855,"People that are suicidal I have a question. If you had everything you dreamed of having in this world would you still fee suicidal? If you had the love of your life? If you had the career you have been longing for? Would it change your thoughts? Do people in this group cringe at the fact when people say, happiness comes within you? I am just curious this is not to offend anyone Suicide",Suicidal +10856,"I just cannot take it anymore, I am clearly addicted to it and reading to all those people make me feel like they all lost their minds even though I am an insane one here. Like, I has been really interested in politics since I was younger, and I am clearly leaning one side (left if I have to say...), but I just cannot get over the fact how there are people on both sides that are just nuts, no one wants to hear each other out on the internet and every comment section where disagreement happens becomes an all-out war, where it is impossible to convince anyone to at least consider other side or just respectfully disagree, no the goal is to absolutely obliterate your ""opponent"". I understand that some opinions perhaps should be socially ostracized, but it came to a level that everyone gets offended even if you try to be as balanced as possible, and if you have no opinion, you admit that you are not informed well enough (because apparently now everyone has a PhD in every field), etc. you becomes everyone is enemy, and it it does not only apply to politics, (as an example) I cannot enjoy anything, ""oh you wanted to eat a cake?"" be sure someone comes and tells you how unhealthy it is, oh you wanted to watch some movie? be sure someone on the internet comes and tells you that there are ""bad values"" in it, or something; I understand what they mean but you cannot live in a constant state of paranoia, where everyone is offended by something. Everything is becoming more exclusive, and every group becomes less and less inclusive. I am not saying that I am not guilty of those things, but I try to comfort myself that I try to be at least a bit self-conscious.It came to this that, when I read/watch anything on the internet that is not some funny innocent video, my mental torment becomes impossible to bear, the only thing I am constantly thinking of is smashing my head on the wall with all my might. News - pleas I hope this world will end soon; Comments - even worse. I am just scrolling, scrolling and scrolling, and with every post scrolled I just loose a tiny bit of my sanity, and when you magnify it by the number of scrolled posts, it becomes apparent that I am completely mentally deranged.And my depression usually, simply, makes me unable to do anything else then scroll this god forsaken web, because I do not really get satisfaction from anything, and this internet stockholm syndrom makes me feel at home with this psychic torture.tl;dr - the internet is just a toxic place that I cannot escape.I do not know if it is even a good place to post it (and I will probably delete it, like I usually do...), but it seems like this subreddit is rather friendly, and I apologize for this rant but I wanted to vent out, maybe find comfort if someone feels the same... The Internet is driving me crazy",Depression +10857,"Part of me does not want to die, I think that is just my instinct not to, but a larger part of me feels like there is no other option. Every day or week or month I feel myself getting closer and I am scared. 20F",Depression +10858,"I am 19 and I have forgotten how to live. I am pretty sure I have a YouTube addiction. I have been depressed for 5 years. But it has gotten worse. the last two years I have been bedridden. I lay in bed all day and night, and I watch Netflix/YouTube all day. I have completly forgotten what I can do in a day that doesent include technology. I have litteraly forgotten how to live. please give me examples of what to do in a day. I am so sick of living this way, I have completely lost the concept of what a person does in a day. (I cannot afford a therapist). I have forgotten how to live life.",Depression +10859,Life has sick ways of fucking with people my fiancee is forced to leave me due to an arranged marriage I get upset at the slightest arguments. I am emotionally weak and just want to end it I am alone for another 2 weeks before someone comes home I have noone close to talk to. Knife to the neck,Suicidal +10860,How can I continue living? The one I love more than life itself broke my trust.,Suicidal +10861,I want to have the will to live so badly. So badly it hurts. Recently all I have been thinking about is buying as much dihydrocodeine as i can and washing them down with a bottle of alcohol and just sit on the slide next to my house. If i survive ill go on if i do not well thank fuck. The reason i want to live is literally for my parents and sister. The damage it would because them would probably kill them. They would blame themselves. But the truth is its me. Its my fault. I am the reason i am he way i am. Its unfair on them that i do not want any of this. I wish my family just did not want me or hated me or fucking something so i knew it would not kill them. But knowing they love me makes it impossible to go without thinking about what would happen to them. I wish i could just be normal. I wish i could just find the concept of life even slightly enticing. Just a little so i could have the will to chase a life that i would like. But i do not want it. All I have been thinking about is suicide for so long. I think I am going to try and see what happens. Ill roll the dice. Its not fait on my parents,Suicidal +10862,"Last year, during the UK lockdown, was the very first time I have ever wanted to die. It got so extreme that I came off of the internet for a few days to try to heal. I did not know what caused it. I will probably never find out. But i did heal...slightly. After about 3 days I realised that I did not want to die and my suicidal thoughts were gone almost instantly but the depression was not. I have spent a year feeling nothing but numbness, guilt and anger. Nothing else. I have had to force a laugh for a year. At one point, I tried to reach out for help but because of covid, no one was there for me in school or in the community. And now I have slipped back into my depression it is numb, but it is emotionally draining. I have had to force myself to write (which is the only hobby I can peruse because my other ones are social hobbies) to which I just think 'what is the point?"". I cannot look at my body without feeling sick of the sight. it is hard to get out of bed but when I do, I just sit there and wait. there is nothing to do. Nothing to wait for. Getting in showers or baths has become so difficult that I have resorted to making a timetable of when I need to shower. I cannot be bothered pretending anymore. I am not okay.I cannot reach out for help. My parents will think I am faking it. My friends could not care in the slightest. I do not go back to school until August (which I am dreading). I do not have anyone to turn to. In all honesty, I could not name one person that I would be able to go to for help. I do not want to die but I do not see the point in living. This is a rant more than anything. This is not a sob story. I am sure quite a few people have gone through this same experience. I can just feel myself go downhill with every passing day. I have not felt raw joy since I do not know when. I cannot remember. The numbness is almost like an uncomfortable calmness and I cannot shake myself out of it. I am self destructing again",Depression +10863,"When I look at photos of myself before my depression, I had a fuller face and a glow. This was 4 years ago before a horrible breakup. Today I look in the mirror and my eyes are hollow, my face is slimmer, everything kind of droops and my gaze is completely lifeless. I am just so defeated and I look like a completely different person. I cannot find any good before/after pictures on Google for depression. Basically, I am wondering: Is beauty gone after aging + depression? Or will life after depression give me back my attractiveness/handsomeness? Will I wear these scars forever? I feel like I have wasted my looks which makes it even harder to get out of this shit. Effects on face: does it get better again?",Depression +10864,(Every other side I asked the question I got a massage to do not ask this questions on there page) What is the Faste suicide method,Suicidal +10865,I am sorry for seeming like an attention seeker it is just that I have gone through so much lately it is hard to handle all of this. I need someone to talk to I am feeling really down and isolated ; (,Depression +10866,"it is so hard to be awake but it feels impossible to fall asleep now. It always feels like my mind's voice/thoughts are constantly screaming at maximum volume and I am just used to the constant tormenting thoughts that it is my new silence. Always feeling like ""I want to go home"" but no where is safe, especially not my mind",Suicidal +10867,Soon Ill finally be free Soon,Suicidal +10868,But at least I am not where I was. Cheers to the little things. I am not where I want to be yet.,Depression +10869,I have always struggled with self confidence. I have always struggled with depression. But a new low just hit. I see friends that I love liking stunning and skinny in their bikinis. I find myself jealous and really self-consciousruminating on how I dislike my appearance. The jealousy is killing meI know its stupid but I just absolutely cannot help it. It makes me spiral into a really dark place I hate that jealousy is a part of my depression,Depression +10870,i seriously do not understand how telling someone that it does not solve the problem.I am going to prepare for my death. and just work on that. tired of living. death does solve pain,Suicidal +10871,"Why live when you lose something you once said you cannot lose? Why continue on when everything you ever wanted in life is gone? Why live when the only thing you now try to survive for is potentially upsetting others about your death? Why? I saw a future so amazing that was within my grasp and when I was about grab it I metaphorically fall on my face and lose everything. Since then I have isolated myself entirely. The more time goes on the more I hope it entices me to get the guts to end the suffering. I went from loving life, never having suicidal thoughts to , in an instant seemingly, being so indifferent to everything. Overwhelming is an understatement. I deserve everything I am feeling and I feel as though its only a matter of time before destiny seals my fate by my own hand Why live?",Suicidal +10872,I am so tired. I am a veterinarian and everyday is just draining. I honestly just want someone to kill me in such a way my loved ones get something. What insurance is helpful? I just have the usual house and car insurance with state farm. Need help,Depression +10873,"Just do not really have the energy tonight to write my note , film the video , dress nicely and send personalized goodbyes to my friends .Like I have got the whole shabang written down , step by step , even picked out a bridge , just need to find the motivation , time and resources to check things off the list up until the grand finale. One of these days though , I will be free of it all. Really want to fucking throw myself off a bridge",Suicidal +10874,"I cannot get this pain off my chest no matter how hard I try. I cannot kms and I also cannot live like this, its getting out of my hand but there is nothing I can do about it. If only there was a way to never exist in the first place Everything about me is wrong",Suicidal +10875,I feel so bored all the time and am too tired to live sometimes. I try to jack off but the pleasure only lasts so long. I feel like finding love would fix me but no one is nearby. I used to have joy in gaming but now it feels like a chore. What do I do? Honestly just bored with life.,Depression +10876,"I have awful headaches all the time and my brain is just so scrambled I compulsively think about things and I cannot calm my brain down. I just jump from one thing to another. I have a hard time articulating words or explaining myself or thinking things through or even feeling things socially.I feel nauseous alot and completely empty I do not care about anything. I cannot commit to any job or school or even sit down and read a book. I feel very little emotional and feel like my perception, feeling , existence is not even based in reality anymore. I am just weird and burnt out and scrambled.Doctors tell me I have depression and ocd and have prescribed me ssris and snris but I cannot commit to taking them because I do not beleive they will work. I beleive they will make me numb and my dick not function and probably just take away some obsessive thoughts. Does this sound like depression?",Depression +10877,"So basically I know I am a bit insecure person but I try my best to never tell someone about it and pretend that I am fine with it. But I am really too much sad because of the ""jokes"" made by my girlfriend and her male friends. So basically my girlfriend has only male friends and I really do not have any problem with that. So in our friends group too she is the only girl. So me and my girlfriend are in 2 common Instagram Group Chats where she is the only female. So all the other people flirt with her, make jokes and she does not care and even replies to them, around 1 month ago she and her friend intentionally flirted in front of me by saying ""can I come to your bed tonight"" and I ignored it because she always says that they are just ""jokes"". But the next day they intentionally made the same joke again, and this time I told her friend that these jokes are inappropriate and her friend talked to me in a rude way with very abusive words and in the end they said ""we were doing a prank to make you jealous"". This really made me too sad for few days, later she apologized. Now the same things have started again, in one group chat almost everyone is flirting with her, one guy even made a joke about marrying her. In the other group chat, our common friend literally moaned her name in a voice note 3 times and she continued the joke. Then the common friend said to me ""your girlfriend is falling for me and she wants to cheat on you"" in the group chat and she still thinks it is a joke. I already have a low self esteem where I always think that everyone is better than me and when I tell someone this they blame me by saying I am insecure. I am really tired of this, it literally feels like that I am a loser who cannot do anything.Also my girlfriend is too insecure too, when I talk to any girl she taunts me a lot and to everyone ""that is cute"". We had a common female friend in that gc and my girlfriend said ""you need to take my permission before talking to each other"". And everyone thought ""it was cute"" because she is a girl. While she literally flirts with everyone, and everyone insults me and it is still a joke. I am suicidal again after months because something bad happened today. My life is already too bad and I always feel like a burden to everyone and today I had a a really bad day.",Suicidal +10878,Just told my best friend that i beat depression because he knew is was depressed i lied i did not beat depression it is still alive inside me and never going away i do not even know why i post this shit i am just broken Feeling stupid because i was lying to my best friend,Depression +10879,"This is my story.My first memory is from 4 years old, when I woke up in an apartment, my mom had went outside and I panicked. I went outside the building in nightgown crying helplessly.Other memory is about finding out what death means when I was 6 years old. I realized that a grandfather I never met was gone forever and that all people face that one day. I rolled myself in a mat having a panic attack and I was laughed at.Then school started. I was taken sexually advantaged by my school mates.I tried to kill myself at 12.I was raped at 12 and again at 13.I was taken sexually and emotionally advantaged by an adult from 14-17 years of age.Now I am 29. My 10 year lasting relationship is at it is end due to my emotional problems. I would be graduating and starting a dream job in fall. But I just cannot anymore. I have zero people to talk to, no friends. Therapy can start in the end of september the earliest due to lack of resources. I cannot afford paying therapy and get there faster.I think I would be better to just stop being a burden to everyone around me. My mom told me I was not wanted. Everyone is better without me and I cannot offer what my partner deserves. I do not want to be me",Suicidal +10880,"This was a while ago but I think about it every time I am struggling as my mom was my go to for support up until this incident.My mom walked in on me self harming for the first time in years and screamed at me asking why.When I told her I wanted to kill myself she screamed, ""oh come on, you know my brother actually killed himself, right!?""Like yeah, that is the reason I thought you might take me a bit seriously, actually. She always apologizes for me inheriting her depression but apparently there is a limit on how depressed I can be.So yeah, now I do not tell her when I want to die lmao. Just something that is been bothering me",Suicidal +10881,"my whole life i have fantasized about the idea of dying. i met death once, it was a dark and quiet place, and i experienced what it truly was to be alone. except this alone did not hurt, in fact it was relieving. so relieving that when i when i opened my eyes again i cursed every nurse and doctor who thought it necessary to save me. i, at the age of 11, decided that i no longer needed saving from the mess that i called life, i wanted to return to that darkness. i truly wanted to die. and with every year that i grew older, i fell more in love with closing my eyes for the final time. 11 years later i sit at the door of another birthday, another reminder that i am alive. a burden. a curse. what could i do the expire naturally? nothing, no disease i have could possibly have would kill me any time soon. it is a matter i now have to deal with personally. suicide. suicide is such a scary word to utter. but not just because i am afraid of dying. i am. i am terrified. almost as terrifying as choosing the wrong number in an almost winning lotto ticket. if i go, would i possibly be missing a reason to live? but everyday the possibility of that seems unlikely, almost silly. suicide. i attend to commit suicide. i attend to revisit that quiet darkness and make it my home, a place where i can finally belong. to close my eyes and know that i can finally breath and be relieved of trying. today, maybe tomorrow, or maybe i can hold out a little longer, but eventually my only plan is to rely on suicide and finish what was started 11 years ago. today i have decided..",Suicidal +10882,"Hi everyone - I have been depressed for a long time and my dental hygiene is always the first to go. My brushing frequency was reduced to maybe 1x every week or two. Every time I brush my teeth my gums bleed. I looked closely the other day and saw some plaque buildup and a cavity in a wisdom tooth that grew in sideways. Gross, I know! Its really embarrassing and I am starting to get really anxious about my teeth all falling out so I am making an effort to brush my teeth more often and I got a Groupon to see a dentist for an exam, cleaning, and X-rays. I am seeing them on Thursday. I am wondering how I should communicate to the dentist that I know my teeth are in poor shape due to depression? Is that something they are familiar with? I know I am not obligated to explain myself but I would feel better if I could. And if anyone has suggestions for restoring your teeth after neglect that would also be much appreciated! Trying to save teeth from poor dental hygiene due to long depressive episodes",Depression +10883,"I just fail to find motivation for anything. Zero motivation to study, zero motivation to find a job, even zero motivation to do the things I used to find fun. I do not have motivation to keep myself alive any longer and I do not even know where to start in order to fix myself Am I broken inside?",Suicidal +10884,"It has been a month since i fixed the day that i will actually kill myself , i i did not choose how ,where or when tbh and just left it like that ! So this is my 4th year of depression and it was exactly this year that my mother took to a psychologist because my grades become so bad ( and i used this too as a because to have therapy to be completly transparent ) after 4 or 5 sessions with the therapis he told me for sure i have depression and he kept asking things and i felt like every time i go there he kept on saying the same dmn things and saying that 's it is all in my hands and all of that bullshit . the last time i told him i want to take medications if my situation is too fucked up and the next year is crucial in my life ( a very important exam that decides whether i go to college or not and what college and career I will take depending on my grades and stuff like that ) i think he was kind of relived and gave my mother a call and gave her the number of a psychotherapist or smth . btw my father was not aware of this whole therap thing at first and then my mom told him ( no reaction at all) but one time i told him I am going he said why are you going this is bullshit ur dramatic and he kept shouting and everything ( btw my relationship with him was never normal and at this point i hate him and i cannot stand being around him , i have so bad bad things in my life that i totally blame on him and to conclude he gave me noth but insecurities , inferiority complex because he himself everyone i know look down on him , they never actually consider him and he himself obliged us to fucking be dependent on ppl and be faraway behind ) well no i do not feel ready to go through this rough year , my grades are kind of low , it fucking requires a genious , gifted someone to go to somwhere good and have a career in this country i feel that i have no energy and me myself i found myself having anxiety attacks more often lately ,mood swings , I am irritable af , i cannot stand smn talking to me at all , my body is always tired and sometimes i cannot even lift myself from bed when i wake up every post or anything that might be related to my studies or scores or this exam in particular makes me have an instanst feeling of fear that leads to an anxiety attack ! i do not know what to do becuase when i fixed that specific date of suicide i did not and still do not know how to do it I am so afraid of hurting myself like cutting my veins or idk like literally how i feel completly lost and do not know what to do i have no one to talk to and the therapy thing they just said they will get me to a psychotherapist in september ( i doubt it tbh bec of my dramatic mother that will make this about herself unable to pay or she herself is more sick than i am and she never keep her promises tbh ) i do not think i can wait until then this sense of like not fiiting in depression and the whole environment is driving to madness for real 18M ; planning to suicide in about a month",Depression +10885,"After 24 years of painful existence, it is clear I should have ended things much earlier. I cannot seem to do anything right. My mind has never been happy or at peace, and medications help but have never been a real solution. I have lived off my parents all my life and have never worked a real job. I am always lonely but have never made a move because I know deep down I would make an awful partner. I have not so much as held hands or kissed a girl, and all completely for a lack of trying - a truly pathetic record befitting of a failure like myself.I do not know why I enrolled in nursing anymore. We learn in the classroom to fight for our patients but I have been burned every time I try to. Apparently I do not speak ""like a professional"". This clinical rotation has broken me; next week, I am going to act like the robot they want us to be and get shit done, not spend time actually getting to know the people I am caring for. I have written so many reflections, completed so many learning plans, that I just cannot take failing again at this point. I refuse to try again; if I fail despite my best efforts, I will take it as a message that I am just not meant for this world.My family and few friends will be especially saddened, I know, but I am just so tired. I have stayed this long for their sake, but I think it is time to prioritize myself for once. I cannot bear telling any of them, I hate being a burden. This post is my way to vent and say my goodbyes. I will delete this post if by some miracle I pass; otherwise, I suppose this is farewell. My fingers are shaking right now and I want to cry; I have not planned this far before, but it is long overdue. If you are reading this, take care of yourself, do not waste your time on me. Thanks for taking the time to hear my thoughts. If I fail next week, I am calling it quits",Suicidal +10886,"honestly, id really like to know. it sucks getting panic attacks even though you know you will be back next to your partner soon enough. how to cope with separation anxiety?",Suicidal +10887,My life will not ever be the same again and I cannot change my circumstances that much so far. Ill never be happy if I continue to live but I am angry also because if it were not for my situation I would be happy to continue living. So I am missing out if I stay and will be miserable if I say and so I have to go. But the thought of going is also sad because I never got a fair shot at my dreams. Anyone relate at all? Anyone feel truly sad and mad that they have no choice but to end it? Or am I in the minority? Anyone here genuinely upset that they are planning to commit suicide?,Suicidal +10888,"M 17. I hate that I am writing this right now. Especially on reddit of all god damn places. regardless of that, I want to die. for years, the first thought that conceives itself in my mind when I awake is death. I am over it. its especially weird because I know I have happy moments in this life of mine, yet they do not suffice. It makes me upset. I try so hard to survive and push through yet my head just keeps feeling the way it does. I have been through years of therapy, and months of psych ward experience; I still crave death. The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I can recognize my happier moments, yet I still am so unhappy. Normally, I would treat these positive instances as progress, but they are not solely because I am still left with the same emptiness that I had before. Besides all of that, Imma save up some money to hire a hitman on myself. I have already done the research, I know where to look, all i need now is the money.Hopefully the next life I live holds better things. Ill be gone soon. Thanks for listening to this bullshit. I want to hire a hitman on myself",Depression +10889,"I want to leave something like a autobiography here, hoping that it will give context to understand how I feel. I also think it will be nice to look back. So, here goes nothing. I am Doa. I was born in a Middle Eastern country 19 years ago. I grew up in a nice small town with my family. My life was pretty ordinary until I realized that I was into feminine stuff, but thought it was a fetish and kept it to myself until 2019. I searched about gender dysphoria, transexual people etc. and I realized that I was possibly a trans woman. I asked my parents to see a psychiatrist, but did not tell the reason since I was not sure. After few appointments, both of us were sure that I was trans. Then, I came out to my parents, which was a disaster. They told me that I was a monster, threatened me with disowning me and stuff. Also, that was a shitty timing because it was my last year on high school and I was going to take an exam to apply universities. As you would expect, I was feeling terrible and got depressed. Thought about killing myself several times and planned it few times but did not do it. By that time, my dysphoria was also killing me and I was running away from mirrors and cameras. After my 18th birthday, things got a little bit better. My parents stopped dealing with me and I found that studying non-stop was a good way to run away from my problems. Few months later, my exam went pretty good and I got accepted to one of the best universities in the country, which gave me hope about life. I was thinking by myself ""okay, what can I lose by fighting a little bit more?"". That was a year ago. In the last year, things got even better I can say. Since my university was progressive, everyone was nice towards me, my parents were fully accepting and I even started to look in mirrors after 1.5 years of misery. Then I got rhinoplasty, completed the preparatory year and here I am. Now you might ask ""What are you complaining about?"". I mean, I feel like I should not complain. Even though that I have not got a feminine haircut and I wear nothing but joggers and hoodies, people call me ""miss"", I am lucky to have a family like that -especially when you consider that I live in Mddle East- and I am enrolled in a good university. My life seems pretty OK compared to LGBTQ+ around me. However, as the title suggests, I just do not know what I want. I focused on my transition too much that I have no idea other than that I want to be seen as how I feel inside. I just feel like lost? I do not know what I want to study. I do not know where I want to live. I do not know what I want to do for a living. Of course there are things that I know that I would like to do or to have. But most of them are unattainable as I cannot change the past. For the future, I just know that I want to be loved by someone who sees me as how I want to see myself, but I could not find anyone who shares the same feelings, thoughts and stuff with me. So, I am here, feeling all alone, living without a goal or anything. I do not want to feel this way. If I could be a different person, I promise you I would. Not because I want to but because that way maybe I could be a happier person. I do not really know what I want nor what to expect from life",Depression +10890,"it would tie things up nicely that I was born on a certain day and that I die on that same day. My birthday is not until the winter, Ill have enough money to afford a gun and it will be dark and cold out so it will be harder to discover me. I think completing suicide on my birthday is the best day to do it",Suicidal +10891,If i did not have parents and a brother i would be long gone but i cannot do that to them so I am stuck in this never ending misery I wish i did not have a family so i could kill myself,Suicidal +10892,"I was 12 when I realized I just fucking want to die.In the 10 years since then, there was not a single day that I did not regret just killing myself right back then. Yes, I lived on. But I had already died inside. This sounds so dramatic but it is the best description of things. Anyone around me can see this. Not like anyone would actually care, they probably think I have some mental retardation. Honestly, I probably do. I have not progressed much since then. My personality has not changed significantly, I have not experienced much, anything I did experience felt dull. Like, alcohol. It just raises my heart beat and makes it hard to walk. Or sex, it is nice, but the same way as food is nice. It does not give any meaning to my life. The only exception is mdma, the only thing that has made me feel something in ten years. But anyways, I really just feel like a ghost. Maybe I am, who knows. It would explain a lot of things. I am really just a she will of a person. Like, sorry, I do not mean to one up anyone on depression. But when I hear stories of people that are depressed and just play online games all day or watch netflix, youtube etc. It just reminds me how fucked up I am. Because I have to FORCE myself to do any of those things. Anything that is not lying in bed all day, maybe scrolling through reddit to distract myself. I do not feel like continuing writing this. But anyways, if I did not have a loving mother I would have ended this by now. there is nothing else keeping me here. Anyone other than my mum will do just fine when I am gone. I did not make a difference in anyone's life after all. I have been selfish, only thinking about my feelings and letting anxiety keep me from doing anything good Trapped in this fucking existence because ""mum would be sad""",Depression +10893,"I do not have a driver's license, nor a job, never had a relationship, I have no irl friends. How the fuck am I supposed to go on like this? I am not a bad person, I just have anxiety, am an introvert, and I am not really interested in the things most people like to do. Yet, I still feel like I should do them. I am so alone in my loserdom, my case is pretty rare. What does one do when one has no achievements at 20?",Depression +10894,"nsfw trigger warning:my whole life i have fantasized about the idea of dying. i met death once, it was a dark and quiet place, and i experienced what it truly was to be alone. expect this alone did not hurt, in fact it was relieving. so relieving that when i when i opened my eyes again i cursed every nurse and doctor who thought it necessary to save me. i, at the age of 11, decided that i no longer needed saving from the mess that i called life, i wanted to return to that darkness. i truly wanted to die. and with every year that i grew older, i fell more in love with closing my eyes for the final time. 11 years later i sit at the door of another birthday, another reminder that i am alive. a burden. a curse. what could i do the expire naturally? nothing, no disease i have or could possibly have would kill me any time soon. it is a matter i now have to deal with personally. suicide. suicide is such a scary word to utter. but not just because i am afraid of dying. i am. i am terrified. almost as terrifying as choosing the wrong number in an almost winning lotto ticket. if i go, would i possibly be missing a reason to live? but everyday the possibility of that seems unlikely, almost silly. suicide. i attend to commit suicide. i attend to revisit that quiet darkness and make it my home, a place where i can finally belong. to close my eyes and know that i can finally breath and be relieved of trying. today, maybe tomorrow, or maybe i can hold out a little longer, but eventually my only plan is to rely on suicide and finish what was started 11 years ago. today i made a decision",Suicidal +10895,"The thing is i have to do a group project for uni and I have been lying about having part of my work done even if i have not even started. I hate lies i really really do but sometimes I find myself so embarrassed about not having my work done because of my depressive state that I just lie, obviously thinking I would actually do it at some point. I have done this many times now and it always brings me problems but I still get embarrassed and do it again. Now I am having a problem with some program I need to use for my work and I cannot ask for help because using this program was the first step of my work and if I had something done this would not be a problem at allDo you find yourself lying like this too?And what can I do?I have talked about my depression with a friend that is in this group and with the professors, they all understood but my friend can do nothing about it and my professors only told me they understood the situation and to ""take it easy because health is more important"" but they gave me no concrete solution so obviously we still have to get all the work done and my group partners keep pressuring me to do my part. Also we are only 3 weeks away from finishing the semester and I could have dropped out before but i did not and do in it now would feel like I have wasted all my time and would make me feel really frustrated.I think this became a rant more than anything but anyways. Any advice or comment will be appreciated Problem with lies",Depression +10896,"***IF you are JUST going to SAY SOME SMART-ASS COMMENT LIKE ""WHO CARES?"" do not BOTHER COMMENTING***I watched a mediocre movie today, what it was it does not matter, and I realized something.This movie was made by people, many of whom probably thought it was their big break, or that they would make a lot of money and people would like it a lot.And they fucking did not.These people, these possibly very talented people, they worked as hard as they could and they gave the world... a mediocre film that I will forget about in a week.What chance do I fucking have then? I am not talented, I am not hard-working, I am not intelligent, I am a middle class teenager. Even if I was, life has a funny way of robbing me of all my hopes and crushing my expectations. Even when I am the best person I can possibly be, even when I do the best I can do, it is not enough.I want to do something with my life, I want to change minds, I want to make people see the things I do and make and talk about how much they love it. I want to be significant.But I cannot. it is not possible for me. I will have been in the lives of a couple people temporarily, then I will die. No-one will remember me, no-one will care, no-one will look at the things I have made and make video essays about them, and that is unbearable for me.I will never be a great and successful person. I do not matter, I never will. I have considered ending my life here just so I do not have to deal with my insufferable mediocrity and my envy of people who have actually helped the world and left their mark.I will die, and I will have accomplished nothing. Fuck you mom and dad, fuck you everyone who said I could just work hard and succeed, fuck you god. I am going to die some day having left no mark on the world.",Depression +10897,"I am so tired, exhausted, worn out. mentally and physically. nothing helps anymore. nothing that i used to love doing gives me any happiness. i pass my days so idly. just tired of anything life has to offer. i want to go out soon I am really really really fucking tired.",Suicidal +10898,"I want to blame this on the whole covid situation.. Before covid I was almost never depressed, then from being at home 24/7 and less socializing I found I just started to become more depressed. It was not that bad until about 2 months ago, I started getting more panic attacks than usual, more anxious, feeling suicidal, my emotions have been everywhere and I feel like its starting to effect my relationship with my boyfriend. I am terrified I am going to go too far with being emotionally unstable that he will not want to be with me anymore. We live together (1.5 years) and both have been either unemployed (because of covid) or working from home, so were almost together 24/7. I am suppose to start full time in two weeks at my new job that is not at work from home so I am hoping that will help with my emotions.Also another reason why I might be more depressed.. about a year ago I quit my full time job since my boyfriend and I moved, it was a good paying job in my field, but I had to quit to move across Canada. This was for his job, which did not actually happen when we got their because of covid (It was for a coaching job). Today, A year later, we moved back to our hometown and my old manager said he would hire me back when they need people in my field. So if that could happen my emotions would be sorted out. Sorry if this is not really a post about depression, this whole year has just been making me depressed and sad.Has anyone else's depression gotten worse because of covid? Covid made my depression worse",Depression +10899,"I have not said a single word to another human in four days. In the last four weeks, my only interactions (all brief) were with co-workers about work. I work remotely so there is no way to have any more interactions. I am so fucking lonely that its starting to fuck with my head. I am moving soon from where I live so I cannot join any clubs or anything here. I really need some support. Can anyone help me? I am lonely and depressed",Depression +10900,Does anyone else here see the beauty of dying young? Or is that just me? Dying young,Suicidal +10901,"I cannot sleep. I am supposed to be excited because it is at a big company and shit but I am just thinking about how much this is making me want to kill myself. I put in a lot of work this year to get better and this is sending me entire strides back into my depression. I am worried I will wake up on time and then choose to just not go.that is it, I am going to go cry myself to sleep now cuz I do not have anything to say. This is a stupid stupid issue and I just need to get over myself. I already wasted enough time being anxious and not know how to sleep.. someone please make it end soon it is 1 am, I start a new job in 5 hours",Depression +10902,"I have basically determined I probably have clinical depression and anxiety. I feel like every aspect of my life is spiraling into the worst state I have ever been in. Physical, mental, sexual health all terrible. Career and relationship feeling stagnant. I have started the process to start therepy soon and plan on joining a gym too. But motivation is difficult. All of this feels extremely overwhelming and like I am drowning in thoughts all day everyday. To my point, my girlfriend wants a second Cat and pretty much begs/pesters me about it every once in a while, then tries to guilt me for not letting her get one. Borderline emotionally manipulative and immature I am going to. Adding/introducing a second cat into our lives is literally not even on my lists of priorities for getting my life in order right now. And my gf does not seem to care that inside my own head I am dealing with a lot more than looking at cute cats and wanting one. Am I being selfish in not allowing her to get one till i feel better and feel like dealing with it, or is she being selfish by not accepting my desires to hold off?As an aside, we did try adding a second cat from a rescue a couples month ago against my wishes (she begged on her birthday till I caved). It went aweful and returning him was very emotionally difficult for the both of us and not something I would like to experience again in my current state.What are your thoughts? Hold off on getting a pet?",Depression +10903,"I was with my partner at the time, we both had been drinking heavily leading to me having a breakdown later that night and self-harming. I now feel riddled with guilt as my partner witnessed it. How do I stop feeling this way? I recently relapsed (self-harm) and feel deeply ashamed",Suicidal +10904,I just came back from meeting with my friends. It was not enjoyable. Like at all. Why cannot I just be fucking dead already I hate this all,Suicidal +10905,"I am bipolar 2, and currently manic. I honestly feel that everyone would be better off without me. Someone give me a reason not to hurt myself.. Falling apart",Depression +10906,I want someone to care about me I just want to be good enough,Suicidal +10907,i doubt i actually intended to do it but i put a dog leash around my neck tied it around a towel rack in my bathroom (probably tied it wrong) and just sat on my tippy toes did not have the courage to fully sit and do it because I am worried ill suffer for like ten minutes and worried i could survive and end up with brain damage i was really close a few hours ago,Suicidal +10908,I was on lexapro for 17 months and was doing fine and all of a sudden I had zero energy and started to feel like I was on auto pilot. Talked to my provider and she switched me to Prozac and it has not really helped. No I have very little sex drive on top of my other issues (could still have lots of sex on lexapro). I am beginning to think I cannot win here. Is there something out there for me? Should I just try to come of my meds? Low energy and brain fog,Depression +10909,"Been doing this for quite a bit and I am down to almost 2 bottles of vodka each binge, only threw up a couple of times but this time really hit hard. Like I feel stupid, angry and even more hopeless beacuse I could just drift away one of these nights but this was just hours of pain; The constipation, diharriah, stomach and liver ache. so thirsty, but you drink you throw up. I was so tired but I just could not sleep it off, I remember all the heaving and pushing It was so hard to breath its like someone was forcing me to do a triatholon. I was like lifes going to suck without a liver. I thought about calling an ambulance but I left my phone in the other room. I think I called for help at one point but there was nobody around. I thought about dying here on the toilet in a pile of shit and throwup and I would take it but still not pleasant. I got up, plunged the toilet, and passed out with I am pretty sure my asshole leaking. I feel like more of a loser now, its quite and smells and I have to clean everything up. I do not want to drink ever again, just not worth it. Probably going to be back to it in a couple weeks if I am honest. Just wanted to share. Heard you could die with alcohol poisoning but appearently its super hard and backfires as I woke up shitting all over the place thowing up with my liver feeling like it was burst.",Suicidal +10910,So basically me and my ex broke up in December 2019 she was cheated on me when dad was in hospital with cancer and yesterday was first time since the break up I have seen her all these emotions came back all the good times and I know I do not want to be with her its just spiraled myself back to January 2020 when I attempted my own life and cannot tell new girlfriend how I am feeling think she would take it wrong way and I do love this new girl we have moved into together and have a cat just cannot ask anyone who knows situation without them been unbiased Need some unbiased opinion,Depression +10911,"no more. i am done. i took x amount of my weak prescription benzo, i counted that it will probably kill me with this amount of alcohol. let us hope. pray for me that it is not too painful and i can just sleep away. i am done with almost 30 fucking years of being worth nothing. my earliest memory is sexual abuse LMAO i am not normal i will never be able to function normally pretend that i am a real human allowed to be her own person, i was put here to serve pedophile scum opportunists sadists narcissists but i do not want anymore. i have no self, i have nothing to live for, now i am in a new country and i already got used up even here. the good thing is that because i am close with no one they will find me only when I am already a rotting corpse. I am leaving behind a dirty apartment, and while i feel shame for it, i also feel like maybe for once it is my right to inconvenience peopleciao disposable fulfiller of other people's needs",Suicidal +10912,"Being alive is eternal torment, I envy the decreased, how they rejoice in peace, without the problems of society, being judged and without financial.Why cannot I be like them? Death will be a relief",Suicidal +10913,"I feel like life is passing me by. I am 27 and working a dead end job struggling to make ends meet. The job I have is hard on my anxiety which means I am constantly in a bad mood or burned out most of the time. When I come home all I want to do is crawl in bed and eat. it is the only place where I feel safe and secure. When I eat it is like all the good-feeling hormones normal healthy people experience finally enter my brain. it is almost like a euphoric sense of comfort nothing else brings me. I cannot afford therapy. I was looking at this online therapy program but it costs $90 a week. that is what I spend in Uber to get to work each week, and I can barely afford that. I do not get out much and do not have friends. I miss riding a bike but the area I am currently living in is not very bike-friendly and there is crime. Biking used to be how I got my frustrations and anxiety out and it kept me in shape.I am also struggling with masturbation. Once or twice a week I fantasize about encounters I will never have with imaginary people and it makes me feel loved and wanted for a few seconds. I long for touch and to be held. Fantasizing kind of gives me those feelings if I try real hard, kind of like how food comforts me. Then afterwards I feel horrible for what I did and ask God for forgiveness. I do not feel like a good person. I think I am a horrible person. I feel out of control. What can I do? Food and masturbation have become the only things that make me feel better.",Depression +10914,"I really just do not know anymore. I am done. I have lied to myself for so long. I do not have any motivation to live. If i would not hurt anyone by killing myself i would not hesitate. I know that my childhood fucked me up. I have my mom, dad and sister. I just do not know what to do anymore. I just want to die. Why cannot i do that without hurting anyone. Fuck me, so many years lying to myself it will get better. I just cannot do it anymore",Suicidal +10915,I give up no point lifes shit anyway I just feel emotionless I just do not care anymore if someone fucking cared they would kill me,Suicidal +10916,"Long story short, I am damned. Rough childhood. Painful teenage years, but I developed coping mechanisms (escapism, maladaptive daydreaming and spending all day on Stan twitter where I knew fabulous people around the world, but again it is not the real life). I even graduated uni during the pandemic (no celebrations or anything). I am working in a highly stressful environment now, my boss is never pleased and my mental health is deteriorating each day. I look like an ungrateful rat who is not grateful for the opportunity to work during the pandemic at this BIG COMPANY (I swear I am so grateful but I just want to die). I have developed physical symptoms that my doctor only could relate them to stress and deep sadness. I think about death EVERYDAY for 7 months now. At least 2 panic attacks a day, EACH DAY. I am not kidding. I am crying uncontrollably right now. 23F..... I am so weak. I cannot do this anymore.",Suicidal +10917,"I am here, I am done. Idk why I am posting but I am done. Lots of Xanax and wine down, I am done. If agencies track this shit, its all me, no one elses fault. I am extrovert, pandemic too much. Drunk, plus Xanax, blood results will show. Peace. Its it",Suicidal +10918,I wish i could redo it and do it a lot Better than I did. I wish I could just redo my life so bad.. it is like a mental torment... I want to restart life so bad?,Depression +10919,I am right at the edge of finally dying. I have everything I need. I am so fucking close. Why do I hesitate. This is what I have wanted for so long. I am right there and I cannot. I do not want to fail at this like I failed everything else. Why cannot I do it,Suicidal +10920,Good day everyone I will be returning back to university soon after taking a year off but I do not feel as prepared to handle the academic demands. I have been staying in bed for much of the time and do not feel like doing anything either. I had been diagnosed last year but I never been to therapy or taken any medication for my depression because I was not comfortable doing those things at that time. Now that the new school year is approaching I wanted to ask anyone for advice on how to approach school Especially on how to deal with the heavy workload the stress and depression that comes with it. Thanks Returning back to university,Depression +10921,"I am 23 now. Since I am 14/15 years old I have constantly been in Therapy or Hospitals.However, when certain parts of my Life come up, I either avoid them or straight up lie to my therapist, mostly out of shame. But over time there are so many Symptoms crawling up that I often have the feeling that they probably thing I am overreacting. In terms of medication nothing really ever helps, they often tried to beat whatever just came up with neuroleptics or antidepressants and they only thing that ever helped was putting myself to sleep with benzos, which is not something my Psychiatrist is willing to give me that often. I recently dared opening up about a completely unrelated Topic, which now makes everyone think, that maybe that is the reason for everything that is been wrong all my life, and while I am happy that i can now talk about that, It almost feels like it makes everything else worse.I am sorry If I do not go into enough details but I am very paranoid about opening up to much.Essentially I would be incredible thankful for any advice how to overcome shame and for once just be 100% honest to my therapist, because honestly going on like this is not an Option and I am not going to fail again. How do I bring up Trauma during Therapy ?",Suicidal +10922,"it is too much effort. I never chose this life. I did not agree to be born in such a fucked up world. I hate to be so much aware of everything. I wish I could just ignore my surroundings and stay naive and unaware. I cannot think positively, it is irremediable now. Sorry Sorry for not wanting to live",Depression +10923,"You will never be good enough, you will always fail. You cannot do anything right and you are a terrible person for that. You are useless, a failure. Just a reminder that...",Depression +10924,"End me..i cannot i cannot fucking do it, not another year no no no no fuck fuck fuck. The social anxiety, no friends, stress, skipping lunch because i do not want to be seen eating alone. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Senior year starts in a month",Suicidal +10925,I hate to say it but I even have a noose already tied and ready to go for when I am ready.. I always hold it and cry hoping that tonight is the night.. but as I put it around my neck I feel the tears race down my cheeks and watch as they drip to my hands.. I cry out hoping someone hears me yet they never do.. or if they do then they do not care.. I just wish I had the guts to finally go through with it because every minute I waste not doing so is another minute of pain and agony.. will any of them miss me.. will any of them care.. will anyone notice I have gone.. or will they go on as if their lives were unbothered by my death.. Is tonight the night or will I fight it again,Suicidal +10926,And I am the slayer This is doom eternal,Suicidal +10927,"I want to die so fucking bad. I am 18 m i just met my father last time i made contact with him was on friday from more than 2 months , my last words to him was i hate you (and i still mean it ) his last words was ( nobody will ever care for you or endure you .",Depression +10928,"I have been trapped in my home since Covid started. My brother died a year before that. I have not done any work for about 3 months(Probably fired, who knows). I am losing it mentally and for sure in a midlife crisis. I do not have any children and I have very little to look forward too. I always go down the path of self help and sticking with hobbies. But I really have no one but myself to share my hobbies. I just do not really see the point of living, but I am not suicidal. Anyone have this dilemma and figured it out? Depressed and nihilistic need encouragement",Depression +10929,"Someone gave me one of those cool modern floating entertainment centers, the kind that is basically a rectangle with two boards in the center to divide it into cubbies.Hanging it should not be a problem for me, i work with tools 6 days a week, i know what I am doing usually. But not today, i do not even know where to start. I just feel so overwhelmed and cannot even think. could not find my stud finder so spent 30 minutes looking for a shirt to go to home depot, and just kept staring at my laundry basket but not even going through it to find one. I just cannot function today Just been staring at my shelf for an hour",Depression +10930,"Hey reddit,I am tired of feeling alone, tired, depressed and just feel like I am going through each day with nothing to look forward to. My day is the same everyday. Sure I know I have people that love me but it seems like forever since I have actually felt like a had a good day. I am sure I am not the only one in this group that feels this way. I like to believe that there is some sort of better life down the road. I have given up most of my hobbies because I am to depressed to care about them. it is a battle every day just to even reach out to someone and not just scorched earth what few friends I have. I do not need to bring them into this sad little world I live in.that is my rant for the day and I just wanted to put it out there. I have given up.",Depression +10931,"Why do i have to face sleepless nights where i lie in bed in pain, crying because I am not worth anything. Why do i have to question as to how my life got to the point where its unbearble. I cannot sleep at night and it making life shit. I lie in with sleepless night full of torment and fear. I cannot take it any more. And people say i complain well its hard not to when all you do is question everything. And i did not know questioning why life is as bad as it is, is complaining. People must think I am some weak and miserable idiot and are all angry and hate me. I do my best to stay on good terms with others but its only myself i am fooling by thinking it will get better for me just because other people have it better. When my whole life its just been deteriorating and it will not get better. No ones there to comfort me when i cannot sleep and feel like shit so obviously i do not matter to anyone. cannot wait to find a good way to kms. I do not know how to carry on anymore Why do i have to keep on living",Suicidal +10932,posting here so I can leave something before I die. In the next 6 days I will be dead. I am mentally tired. I am tired of life. I will kill myself. I just want to say goodbye to everybody for the last time. expire,Depression +10933,"I (M16) cannot help but think about killing myself. Just had an argument with my mum and she is basically said to ""change my attitude or find somewhere else to live"". I cannot help having a temper on me. She said that i shout at my sister (which i do not i just raise my voice bc she ignores me bc she is 2) and i said that she shouts at her sometimes to so she screams ""I am HER MOTHER, YOUR JUST HER BROTHER""She also says i do not acknowledge what she does. A few examples are she brought me new clothes online, i said ty when she paid and when i went to bed one night, i saw them on my bed and thought 'ill say ty tomorrow night as i will not see her in the morning' but i forgot.I got home from work, went to my room to get changed and saw she made me a pillow so i thought 'ill say ty when i go downstairs' got changed, really needed the toilet and once i finished i forgot.She asked if i wanted a doorstop making, i said no, and on the same day she made the pillow, she made me a doorstop which i did not realise until i went to bed. Thought 'ill say ty tomorrow night' and i forgot.She mentioned these and said that I am ungreatful and i said that i did see them i just forgot to say ty and she said ""its alright, ill just forget to wash your clothes"". that is not forgetting, that is pulling my clothes and only my clothes out the washing machine and not washing them. I cannot help forgetting things - I am only human. She complains that I am always miserable and tells me to ""cheer up"" - its not that easy.Atleast once a day, she says smth i do not find particularly nice or gets me to do smth i do not want to. With it being so hot in the UK over the past week or so, i got a rash on my back and she wanted me to take my shirt off (which i did not want to); i get told to wear shirt which i do not like doing; she says my breath always stinks cuz i never brush my teeth (coming back to the forgetting everything). there is alot.And most of the things she says, i could say back. I do t brush my teeth- she does not shower. I am always on my phone- so is her partner. I do t do chores around the house properly- she never cleans up the dirt after sweeping or puts her plate in the dishwasher. there is even occasions where she spils my dribk and complains to me cuz i put it there. Why do rules apply to 'children' but nkt adults???She also says that I am not 'motivated enough at work'. Why would i be? I have to get up at 6am the 3 days i work and do a job that is built for ppl who have double the muscles as i do. And she says that i need to always be doing smth, not just be standing there. Yet sometimes that is all i can do. (E.g. someome is cutting hedges and I am going behind them ckearing it up, sometimes i have to wait) She does not know i have depression, suicidal thoughts or that i sh. She does not realise. Can anyone give any advice to be atleast a little more happier/motivated? And do not say smth like ""it will get better"" cuz that will just tip me over the edge. I want to die",Depression +10934,"I am watching a crime show that is ""real life"" and there is this 18 year old girl who is so happy and inspiring.Why cannot I be like her?I want to learn how to be like that. I go to therapy, take meds, but I still feel sad.I guess there are a lot of sad things in my life right now, but why cannot I just be grateful for the good things? Depression is hard. I guess our brains are just different.I feel like a burden when I am like this. I want to be not a burden around others by being happy which would make them feel happy to be around me.I hope this post made sense to someone. I want to be a more positive person. You know, those people who are still happy in the face of adversity?",Depression +10935,"I cannot hold a job, I cannot hold a romantic relationship, I cannot maintain social relationships. I am in pain everyday. I have been to about 30 therapist in 6 years and nothing helped even a little bit. I am tired of suffering, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of struggling to get a job only to lose it. I cannot take this anymore. I am tired of the platitudes, the empty positivity. People say it will be okay, just go to therapy - mindfulness and positive thing are a joke.Being raped messed me up sexually and now I cannot even find love. Being raped caused me to lose my job and my career. No one believed me, no one cared. My family disowned me, my company fired me. it is been years and I am still broken. I cannot relate to people anymore. I am trying so hard everyday and have nothing to show for it. I feel like Sisyphus rolling a boulder up a hill.If I was not a coward I would shoot myself. But I cannot do it, I am just too damn scared. I was born by accident, my mother was a drug addiction who abandoned me. Her drug use left me physically deformed. I wish she would had an abortion everyday. Maybe I was born by accident, but I will die with intention. World's a sick place with no room for a broken freak like me in it. I will see myself out. Good bye. Being raped, abused, and bullied has left me a she will of a person and I am tired of being broken and suffering.",Suicidal +10936,"I am such a shit person. I mean it. I am annoying, I am awkward to be around, I am just bad. I hate myself. I really do. I am not sober, so I am understand I may be repeating myself, but...god I suck. I just want to vanish. I have a husband and child, so I cannot act on my self hatred, but I often wonder what I would do if I had no one. I still do not think I would, but I cannot be sure. I just want to get some disease that kills me quick, cuz then my death will be of natural causes and I will not bother anyone anymore. I hate myself",Depression +10937,I do not remember what makes me happy. I even had really good moments and really good days lately. I know I had them. But I cannot remember them. I hate this feeling. Everything's just out of reach Just cannot remember things that made me happy,Suicidal +10938,"I am sad and wore down. I am tired of going on. I am just really, really sad. Clinical depression is a MF. Sleep did not help. Sunshine does not help. Drinking does not seem to do much anymore either. I wish I could afford therapy or medication, or just something. I am just really f*king sad right now",Depression +10939,I think I am going to kill myself soon. All my feelings are just so intense. One moment I am fine then something small happens and I want to kill myself. what is wrong with me? But I cannot take it anymore and just going to end it for good. that is it,Suicidal +10940,"I could write alot but I will keep this short and sweet. I have come out and I am a transitioning mtf, but It will never be enough for me. Even if I end up passing (which I doubt) I cannot cope with the fact I will never be a real girl. I missed out on my childhood and I am going to miss out on my entire adult life too. I will never be a daughter, a sister, a wife, or a mother. I will never have an authentic experience as a woman and I will never be happy because of it. The grief and the hurt is just so overwhelming and I just want to end my life. what is the point? I do not want this life",Suicidal +10941,"I am not good enough for a relationship. All the effort I have put in to becoming a ""better"" person or potential date is completely useless.The rejections are supposed to get easier with time, but they just hurt worse and worse each time. I am supposed to put on a brave face and act like it does not bother me. I cannot live a life where people only want me around for the things I can provide.I have a belt, and a door frame. The door seems strong enough to carry my weight - and my family are leaving for a trip tomorrow. I think after they leave I am going to hang myself.2:30PM Atlantic standard time, I will be dead. there is no point to any of this",Suicidal +10942,"Whenever they are together they comment on everything I do. How awkward I am. If I am not talking enough or talking too much. My facial expressions. The things I say, how I walk etcWhy are people like this? No wonder I isolate myself for long periods. Everyone mocks the person I am.How am I meant to recover from depression when even my friends make me feel like shit? So-called friends comment on everything I do",Depression +10943,United States-Coronavirus delta variant-The push for mandatory vaccines causing civil unrest-businesses everywhere struggling to find workers-depression in most the people I know-China/Russia getting brave with their tacticsIt feels like were on the brink of either another civil war (due to mandated vaccines) or world war 3 (due to China/Russia overstepping their boundaries) . Or societal collapse causing another Great Depression due to businesses failing everywhere. Does anyone else feel like something BIG within the next decade is bound to happen? Is the world ending?,Depression +10944,i wish i could at least loose my memory so things would not hurt so much. it hurts,Suicidal +10945,"Tell me in the personal message, let us not give ideas to others here Can someone do me 1 favour? I have decided and no one can change my mind on this that I have to die as soon as possible. So please help me decide the best way to kill myself with less pain, fast death. Thank you.",Suicidal +10946,I am scared and I do not want to burned anyone with this rant Fuck I do not want it I do not want to feel this way This hurts its scary What do I do Make it go away I am confused I hate this feeling in my chest this is not what I want :((((((( I can feel it coming back,Depression +10947,"I am so desperate. Maybe not. But. I want connection. And tbh. Female connection. I just wish I could fast forward 2 years of my life and see where I am then. I have social anxiety and its incredibly difficult to be around ppl or just get up, because of depression. I am trying to reach out irl, not just on the internet (but that was an important first step). Its just so hard. The progress is so slow. I am going to group therapy. Individual therapy. Spravato, (esketamine therapy). Had bad mental illness for 7y now and at the current rate of progression I do not see me getting better in less than, 30 years. I am already 24. I just want to be a normal young adult. Be able to talk to ppl. Be able to feel connected, connect. Go to school, provide for myself or have some source of income. I cannot take much more. I cannot do the rest of my life like this.I get better at certain things socially and mentally-slowly-but my phq9 (depression scale) just continues to get worse. I get more and more hopeless. Girls",Depression +10948,"I do not even know why I am posting this, out in to a void where it will not get seen, will not change anything and will not help anything. I have been having a crappy year. And that is an understatement. I feel like everyone hates me and I am so so fucking lonely. I cannot do anything right. I am a failure, disappointment and a let down to my family. I ruin everything I touch or go near.I am in financial problems and cannot find a way out. My mental health has never been so bad. And there is no one I can talk to, no one who will help. Everything is too much. I do not want to be here anymore but cannot leave. I wish I never existed, everyone would be better off that way. I am toxic. I hate myself. I am so lost and overwhelmed",Depression +10949,"I am just not excited for anything anymore except for drinking and smoking. I kind of feel sad, but numb at the same time. Its just so weird. I keep hoping that I do not wake up when I go to bed unfortunately I do idk just needed to put out some of my thoughts out there. do not necessarily feel better but whatever. :) I feel like I do not belong anywhere.",Suicidal +10950,Is it possible to be suicidal and manic at the same time? Mania and suicide,Suicidal +10951,"My past, unsuccessful suicide attempts (obviously) had emotion in it. Motive. Pain. A means to an end. That changed however, and, I approach suicide as something... desirable. I know, it is weird, but I need to get it outta my chest. I feel like it is something that will lead me to an adventure, somewhat similar to religion and the afterlife. I want to find out if it is true, I want to reach through the looking glass that the voices in my head are hiding behind. I ditched the meds my psych gave me, ran away from home for 3 days, slept among wild animals in the wilderness. The thrill of danger, the unforgettable fear I felt walking at night waiting for an animal to devour me (LMAO such a Beastar vibe) having a guy threaten me with a knife, all of that, made me... want to feel death steal my breath. it is fucked up, I know, but I wanted to prove to myself that I really wanted to die, to kill myself, to steal my own life away. I only ended up proving to myself that a part of me wanted to live, I wanted to feel like I have accomplished something. I am split into two people, and they clash with one another. I feel that, even if I got everything I wanted, I would still not be able to shake off this desire.I am going to boarding school tomorrow, and I am afraid I will be in worse hands with people who do not understand me. My parents do not understand me. They care, they have tried, but it is not enough. I hate myself so much for that, knowing that I am too much for my parents to handle. Even my psych threatened me with [borstal]( schools (school for underage criminals). I. do not. Blame. Them. I just wish I was... normal. Even the other kids in school do not bother to keep it low when they talk behind my back. It hurts, but I cannot do anything about it. Sad, is not it? I think it is pathetic.I am looking for advice, as I did not just post to rant. Should I tell my parents this? This would mean postponing me going back to school for some time, and the curriculum has been squeezed because of the pandemic lockdowns, it is very suffocating. But I assume getting me help is better than taking my body to a mortuary? it is funny to think that I may try to kill myself",Suicidal +10952,28 mix race that have nothing go with my life. I dealt with racism my hole live alienation attack by people on a daily base growing up . At this point I have to many problems and no one wants to help be it family friends who wants to deal with a man with trauma emotionally physically. I been bertyed by close friends had 1500 stole by his family with my wallet and other documents they did not help I try to over come this and be positive but There are time I just cannot take it any more .been single for all my life I try everything nothing works in person dating apps but nothing I try to be positive but being single for over ten years take its took with all I deal with been block left on read ghost used I cannot even think right any more I starting to want to give up on everything all I wanted was happiness but that looks like a fools dream a goal that out of my reach and now after losing my husky the one thing that give me a smile is gone I I do not know my family just oh its a dog but they the reason he pass they they . I just do not know any more I sleep less every day a wonder what left for me why am I still alive what reasons there for me I cannot think correctly or get my thoughts in order to even write this out right people will not get a response or anything like all ways just a ghost a shadow of nothing 28 male alone nothing just a shadow a ghost that no body noticed,Depression +10953,NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO ME Going to kill myself,Depression +10954,"Everything was normal. It was better. But slowly I can feel it, lurking in the corner. Just waiting for me to slip into it. Why does no one talk about how comfortable you get with being sad. Like the other emotions are so dull. Almost negllgible. Sadness anger regret these are so high on intensity. I do not know what I should do now. it is getting bad again.",Depression +10955,"18, M. Let me just get straight into it.For the past 3 months now, every time I pass my window, I am almost 100% certain someone is watching me and it stresses me out and makes me anxious. I feel watched inside my room - almost like people can see through the wall. But it does not stop there. I feel spied by the government every time I use an electronic device and that they are plotting against me. I have blocked my camera with something, which has helped a bit, but I still feel like they are listening to my thoughts through the camera somehow. When I am alone in my room, I sometimes sense another presence. And it does not stop there.I do not trust many of my friends. I believe some of them are masters at manipulation and I am too socially inexperienced to detect it. I 'read' things hidden messages in casual conversations at times. When I say goodbye to them, my first thought is that they are talking behind my back, and it makes me question whether I should stop hanging out with them. Sometimes, it becomes too much, so I end accusing them of manipulation/lies and become aggressive. Of course, they are in complete denial. This is where I start to question whether any of my thoughts are real. I cannot trust my own thoughts, but I do not trust the words of others either. These thoughts pop up every day out of nowhere. They are so intrusive and inescapable that I just want to die because the anguish is unbearable. It is like my thoughts are disturbed and incohesive. I then wake up the next day, unable to recognize any of my beliefs and thoughts from the night before. My thoughts also are not disturbed or incohesive; they are somewhat normal again.FYI, I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and BPD, but this does not resemble any of my diagnoses. I am feeling suicidal because of it and I just got checked out from the psychiatry a week ago after being hospitalized for two weeks. I told them about my paranoia, but they did not really seem to acknowledge it, which I do not get at all. All they gave me is another diagnosis (Aspergers).. I do not know how much I can hold on anymore I do not know how much I can handle anymore",Suicidal +10956,I have been depressed for a long time I do not even know what started I first self harmed at age 14 n have been clean for a year and half for a while I thought I was getting better but I am back to basically where i was I do not want to be alive anymore n n i tried to get help from the doctors they did not do much I tried talking to my family they did not believe I do not believe I have much of a future for years I have been telling myself its going to get better but it has not idk what to do I feel like one day I could finally just give up its getting bad again,Suicidal +10957,I want to go to the mooooon do not leave so soondont leave so soonHow can I get throoough how can I get through Moon,Depression +10958,"I am a student and work part-time. I am not able to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much due to lockdowns. My semester fees are due next week. If i cannot cover my fees i will not be allowed to write my exams.I am feeling hopeless.I have requested my college but they said nothing can be done to help. I do not know what to do. I am dealing with depression for more than a year.My life is just falling apart.I do not think i can live with this stress and depression anymore.I do not have parents, friends ot anyone to ask help or share anything.Please help me if you can.I wish i never existed.I wish this was not happening.Life is getting worse everyday. I wish this was not happening..",Depression +10959,"Back story how I got to where I am. I am 20F and I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. Everything was going great until I got depressed again. I could take care of myself properly, could not get myself motivated to do anything, slept in later than I should. And my bf tried to help me in a way I told him time and time again that it would not work. For some reason everytime someone in my life pushes me to do things that I am scared of or have a hard time doing, I just shut down completely. I agree I was pretty terrible to live with. Some days I helped out so much around the house and other days I could not get myself to do anything at all. I also did not have a job because he would not jump start my car because he was so afraid of me crashing my car on purpose (I would not do that). Flash forward to three weeks ago: everything got worse, we started fighting constantly. He told me I should have tried harder and he was right. He said it was killing him to see me like this. He said if I did not get myself fixed or start doing more for myself that hell kick me out. So I slowly started to do more and take care of myself. However, we still fought constantly. I still could not get him to realize how I felt the way I do and could not get him to start my car. So with that being said I still could not get a job and he hated that. Flash forwarded again, last night he packed up all of my things and kicked me out. The entire time telling me he felt so bad for doing this but it all my fault. Then he got moody and told me that until I get better that we can only be friends. So I was crying hysterically and could not drive myself back to my parents so, he had to take me home. I had a bad panic attack to the point I could not breathe and my whole body was all locked up joint wise. Took him a bit to realized that I was not just trying to get him to let me stay and I needed help with it. He told me if I start making progress with myself that we can start seeing eachother again but I feel lost. My parents are so mad at me because I failed my relationship. They because very strict with me and are pushing me the exact way I told them it would not help. there is more but this is the just of what happened. I just need someone to listen and encourage me to do better.",Depression +10960,(A I am not doing anything i promise and love you) One day I am going ti do it so why not sooner than later,Suicidal +10961,"My therapist thinks the best solution to my inability to get over my no-longer-recent breakup and resulting worsened depression is to go out and date people and hookup with randos. She says it will ""prove how desirable"" I am.I do not want to be fucking ""desired"". I am ""desired"" by enough people: the coworker who sent me pictures of his dick, the friend who jerks off when I cry, my manager who asked for photos of my tits, the coworker who follows me home.I am tired of being ""desired"". I want my ex back because I was ""loved"". But she just says he never loved me anyways. I guess no one ever did. I guess ""being desired"" is all I am worth. I do not want to be ""desirable""",Depression +10962,"I had to take my dog(18 years old) to the vet today to be put to sleep. I wanted them to give me the same shot so bad, I cannot stop looking for her. She was my only solace, my center, and the only reason I got out of bed most days. She was the only thing on the planet that truly loved me, even though I am a total mess. I really am not sure I am going to make it through this. I am not sure ai want to. I lost my best friend",Suicidal +10963,"I am just a stupid pedo, I keep having sexual thoughts about children. I do not want to hurt people, everyone is going to hate me reguardless I act upon them or not. I should just kill myself before I fail keeping them as thoughts. what is the quickest, least painful way to end my pointless life? I am discusting",Suicidal +10964,The title pretty much speaks for itself. What should I do when I get strong suicidal urges besides talking to someone?,Depression +10965,I am such a sad pathetic piece of human shit and I deserve every bit of suffering coming my way. Just a waste of life,Suicidal +10966,"(sorry for bad english, I am from Italy and my English is not that good... I am using google translate)For a few months I started feeling sad and suicidal, it all started on April 6th. I ran away from home because I could no longer manage a strange feeling (like stress but with anxiety and sadness) and I found it as a method of release. A volunteer friend of mine helped me, from that moment she has always helped me and she has made me feel better, simply by integrating me into the activities that are done in my association. I finally felt good, after years of being locked away at home all the while hoping that the days would end soon. The problem? I have been an asshole. I continued to feel bad instead of trying to do better by causing problems and annoying everyone. Until, on April 26, I was forbidden to volunteer (for reasons related to my age, for nothing else) he did not write to me anymore, when he looks at me he avoids me and I returned to my life before, on a fucking chair sitting all day, near a computer, looking at the time every few minutes, hoping that the time to sleep is approaching as soon as possible. The first few weeks I was VERY BAD and I could hardly get out of bed. I started therapy with a psychiatrist and I go there every Monday. I continue for weeks to feel bad and feel suicidal in a very strong way, but over time these feelings have been felt less. Now I spend the weeks doing nothing, all the time on a screen, I swear it feels like torture, time never seems to pass and sometimes it seems to go by very fast, I arrive at the weekend without even knowing what I did (memory loss) and what worst is that I no longer feel anything other than this feeling of stress. Writing this I realized I was in a really shitty situation ... the only option I really know is suicide, but I do not want to die, I wish this hell would end. The worst thing is that I do not have any friends, I stay silent for weeks except when I have to talk to my father, who never cares about me for work. I have always been hated at school, and now I have social anxiety ... for various reasons I have skipped school in the last two years, and having to go back this September makes me too anxious. I honestly think if even that goes wrong then what a shit life, I will kill myself. Sorry if I wrote things that are sometimes not connected to each other, I write this just to let off steam. just letting off stem <3",Suicidal +10967,"Recently even my best friend told me and confirmed that my feelings do not matter. I just want to end it all. So I will not bother anyone anymore. I am in pain, and every time I reveal my feelings, everyone treats me like a bother.",Suicidal +10968,just felt like i had to let somebody or something know of my decision. final goodbye,Suicidal +10969,"NSFW for cursing.College student stuck at home here. Probably been depressed for a long time but it got a lot worse this year. I cannot really talk about it with anyone who is not paid though. I try to describe what it is like to my parents, but it always goes poorly, and I always end up feeling worse. I feel like they always blame me for it, saying that it happened because I am not as active as I used to be, do not eat as well as I used to, and cannot get a good sleep schedule together, and that I can cure it by fixing these and taking the antidepressant that has not worked for the past two months. I used to love working out and lifted every day, and I also used to love making healthy food too. I did not just quit because I got lazy and said fuck it one day. I got so tired that it took the amount of effort I gave maxing out my deadlift to get out of bed in the morning. They also say that I am probably sad all the time because I cannot pay attention in class, but in reality I am so tired and upset a lot of the time that I do not give a fuck about class. It just makes me upset how casually they give me the advice. As if it was super easy, but I am such a lazy and stupid piece of shit that I suddenly forgot that exercise is good for you. Even without their 'help', I have been starting to drag my ass outside for a walk as often as I can, and I have been trying like hell to get into yoga. It just does not feel the way it used to. Whenever I try and express it though, they say that me telling them how I feel and not having a solution for it, and not liking their input makes them upset. Then I just sit there feeling like a selfish piece of shit for spreading the misery instead of just keeping it inside, and thinking that this was the time that they would just listen and sympathize. that is my rant for the day. I feel trapped in my own mind",Depression +10970,"I started meds a few month ago, Wellbutrin, they worked before just fine. But my anxiety was getting to the point where it was making my so depressed. I felt hopeless, like I would live with a sore chest forever, snapping short gasping breaths. My therapist thinks it is the meds, my doc disagrees. We put me on a new anti-anxiety med, Buspirone. it is made the depression so much worse. Within a week I feel like I just want to give up and die. I am sitting in my rehearsal right now. I am a professional musician and doing really my first real, almost normal, gig since COVID started. I am with all my dear friends doing awesome music and having a blast. But I am singing and behind mask in crying. No matter where I have ever been. The lowest pit I have been in. The worst amount of circumstance this has never happen. I have never wanted to stab myself in the chest while singing. I feel like life has been way worse for me before. I have been in much more depressing and anxious circumstances. I feel like these suicidal thoughts are not real. I feel they are not authentic. Are they chemically manufactured? I should be happy. But I just want to die. I should be happy, but I just want to die",Suicidal +10971,"Just a vent post- maybe someone on here can read this and find comfort in knowing they are not alone in how they feel.I feel like my life is pointless. Has no meaning. Lately I just cry everyday because I hate who I have become, I hate my life, and the choices I have made. No matter what I do, I am not happy. So many people say do what makes you happy and yet I do not know what the hell they even mean. I do not believe I have ever been truly happy. I went through a traumatic childhood, and suffer from low self esteem/ low confidence. It feels so hard to exist. It feels hard to exist in a world where you feel totally alone, like no one can feel your pain, or relate. Its hard to work a mediocre job with your mediocre degree. Why does life suck so damn much? I really feel hopeless. Like why am I even here????How can I stop living this fucking nightmare everyday??? How can I stop hating myself??? This feels like suffocation",Depression +10972,"This morning I found my beautiful little cat dead in the neighbours garden. The vet said hes heart stopped pumping, so at least it was not painfully for him.My little boy, who barely turned 1 year old, who is been waiting for me every day when I got home from work, sleeping on my chest and rubbing his little head against my nose for hours watching tv. The one who helped me smile and laugh again, after years of being unhappy with life, was ripped away from me just like that, and honestly I can only see the way down from here..Times have been tough these past years, and you helped me find a reason to wake up every day. Even when money was tight, I would always spend my last money on food and treats for you, and the happiness of you would always do me better than a meal.He used to love to play fight with me, and even as he got bigger, he always knew how hard he could be without being too much. I have so many great memories with you my dear friend, but not nearly as many as I should have... The huge personality in you made me smile just thinking about you, and its what got me through the days the past year.. Now I am not sure how to fill the gap anymore..I have always felt so lonely, and even though you could not talk, I felt like I understood you, and your company was worth more than the company of any person..I will miss you, and I will mourn you for a long time... Hopefully we can be together again soon, and we will snuggle for hours upon end..Rest easy my beautiful little baby, hope you enjoyed the little time together as much as I did, and then some <3 Everything i touch turns to dust",Depression +10973,"I am 13 trans and suicidal. My parents and brother are transphobic, and believe that all trans people should join the 41 percent and more shit like that. I hate my life, I hate feeling so uncomfortable in my skin, I hate the fact that my parents do not love me for who I am, I hate how I know I will not be able to transition ever. I hate my family, I know that is a bad thing but they are just not my family. All of them hurt me daily, they let my brother hurt me psychically and emotionally. They tell me I am worthless, and I probably am. I have not done anything important ever, I have not helped anyone, I just exist. what is the point in continuing when no one will miss you? I am so tired, I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I am useless, and no one understands the pain. The pain of existing every single day and having to go through it again, even though I cannot explain why ""it"" is so painful. I do not feel comfortable, and I do not feel safe. it is like having your own personal storm that no one sees, has, or notices. I have hurt more people than I have helped, and I do not see the point continuing when I can quit. All this pain can go away and all I have to do is one thing, one thing to escape. I do not see why I should not take the chance. Anyone I have tried talking too online, says to think about all the people I will hurt. Yet no one will be affected by my death, I do not have friends too hurt, and my ""family"" does not care. I could be free right now, I could escape, I could not exist, and I still do exist. I do not see any other way out. I have survived a month or so since my last post but I do not think I can continue.",Suicidal +10974,"I feel like because my family is such upper class family with tons of money that any pain or suffering I feel is not valid and I am just being ungrateful for all the things I do have and do not deserve to say I feel any pain. I am just a teenager like any other but for some reason I will not allow myself to process and register suffering because I do not think I have the right to feel it sense all my life I have been given everything and not had many struggles, which I cannot control. What do I do? I feel like I do not have the right to say ""I feel pain""",Depression +10975,"I leave for a week vacation in less than 2 days and I am stuck in a severe depressive episode. Today I have just been so down. I have had no energy, felt but then also been very tearful at times. Hyper sensitive, bursting into tears after my partner made a comment I took harshly and I ran off and hid and ended up napping for 2 hours. Low appetite, ruminating thoughts, passive SI. This is so fucking annoying. I am about to be on the beach for a week and here I am crying and cannot bring myself to even pack my damn suitcase.I tried to get my doc to place me on Wellbutrin 4 weeks ago but they did not want to do it since I have been losing weight and am also on Adderall and Topamax. I cannot take an SSRI due to my poor history with them and I was really wanting to give Wellbutrin a shot. I am just feeling so shitty today. I know this will pass, but the past 5 days have been awful and I really wanted to feel more excited going into this time away. Vacation countdown, but battling a depressive episode",Depression +10976,Seriously it is rigged. If I do not have the willpower to change or if when I force myself to do something life pushes me down and destroys my willpower... what the fuck I am supposed to do? I exist just to fail and suffer? I mean if any attempt at fixing this mess is met with constant failure.. What can I do???? So I just exist to fail and suffer? that is it? I do not want to kill myself but what are the alternatives? Doing nothing and suffering or doing something and failing and suffering. I mean I tried so much and so hard to change things but it always fails!!! So what the fuck I am supposed to do now? Try again and fail again? I am tired of this. I am just so fucking tired of this fucking bullshit. This is so fucking dumb. what is the point seriously? Why do I even exist? How long will this process last? I want things to change but it is like life is constantly rigged to keep me inside a vicious cycle of suffering,Suicidal +10977,"I do not know why I feel like I need to please almost everyone in my life. I do not remember the last time I woke up without feeling anxious. I do not know why must I feel tired everyday. I do not remember the last time I ever felt truly happy and content. I am almost 28 yet I still suck so bad at adulting. I do not know how to be strong, confident, and to be able to defend myself. I do not know why I feel like I am always falling behind everyone. I do not know why I feel so stupid. I cannot even communicate properly and express how I truly feel. I do not know why I feel so lonely. I do not know why my Mom has turned out to be that way. I do not know why I like to pretend that everything is okay. I do not know why I have all these feelings.Will I ever be able to hold on much longer in this life? I am a ball of mess",Depression +10978,"I am 17, I have been struggling with this constant depression, anxiety and dissociation for about 2 years now.My therapist failed me, my doctor failed me and it feels like I am a burden at this point. I am always told it will get better but its only gotten worse.I cannot function as a human anymore. I think about all I have missed about being a teenager and how I am dead and living in a purgatory. I cannot sleep for more then 5 hours, I end up waking and not being able to fall back asleep.I feel constantly angry, if I wanted to make myself smash something I would, but I still have morals so I do not. But I know I am capable.I have tried Zoloft, ability and lexapro and it does not seem I feel the slightest bit better. What the fuck is wrong with me? Starting to lose this battle.",Depression +10979,"I am envious and resentful of my friend I am letting stay with me. I am doing a huge thing for her and helping her get on her feet, rent free, and all that.and she never hangs out with me and always brings this guy home she just met. And I am supportive of her, but I am also so lonely and depressed that having this in my face is ruining our bond. She does not care, and when she does act like she is caring, it ends up being bad assed. Anywayseeing her happiness is breaking me inside and I just am sick of saying its me being selfish.she is being fucking selfish and my depression is spiking, suicidal thoughts, spikingsobriety, gone. Ugh. Idk what to do and I am holding up in my own room because I do not want to be around anyone. This does not feel good. I just need to get it out",Depression +10980,"Really need help here, I have struggled with feeling this way for weeks now.For the past month or so I have had little to no motivation to do anything anymore. Even writing this post requires a tremendous amount of effort. I have plenty of things to do, but I just have no desire or motivation to do anything. Going to the gym, working out, studying, learning a new skill, cooking and eating, it all just feels boring and dull to me. Some days I will force myself to go to the gym but I end up leaving because there is no energy/motivation to get through a workout. Nothing is enjoyable, besides video games and porn, but even those two things are getting really boring and do not provide me with the same amount of satisfaction any longer.I finally figured out that a large part of this problem stems from how lonely I am. I am 35 and I live with my parents. I left my job in the military because I could not take it anymore and wanted to earn my bachelors degree. I moved back in with my parents because of the pandemic, although I will return to school in the fall. I HATE living with my father, who is even more depressed/lonely/pathetic/miserable than I am. he is an incredibly toxic person to be around, and I know once I am gone and away from him I will begin to feel better.I do not know anyone where I live. I have absolutely no friends. I looked for groups to join on [meetup.com]( but nothing really interests me. Besides, going to clubs like that just seems so strange to me. I have never had a girlfriend and never had sex. I am a good looking guy who is in great shape, but I think years of watching pornography online has really harmed/damaged my brain in some way. I have incredibly high expectations in women. I am trying to stop watching porn, but it is the only thing in my life that I enjoy and look forward to. That really hurt me to say that, but sadly it is true.The worst part about this entire situation is the amount of time I am wasting sitting here doing nothing all day. I have plenty of things I could be doing, but NOTHING interests me anymore. Everything is a chore and requires a tremendous amount of effort to do.I just want to feel productive again, but I am not sure what to do. I do not want to waste the remainder of my summer doing nothing.Has anyone felt the same way? What did you do to resolve this? Thanks for your help! No Motivation, No Desire, Please Help",Depression +10981,"My ex called it small, i cannot work through it with a threapist. I just, i wish i did not want to die because of it. It makes me feel so pathetic. Why cannot i just be normal? Its like 5.5 and it just is so pathetic. My ex said that there new bf was bigger and how they fucked him, and i hate my ex so much. But they have this power over me. Why could not i just not be born? I want to die because of my dick size",Suicidal +10982,I hate this feeling. I hate feeling so sensitive to comments or someone laughing at me. I have never felt like I had a place in the world and sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks even if its unintentional. Why do I let people get to me?,Suicidal +10983,"This may be very hard to read for some.as a kid, I was exposed to a lot of explicit material on the internet that I should not have had access to whatsoever. i was familiar with the concept of sex, but not masturbation. my pent up curiosity and sexual frustration lead me to doing some pretty awful things. i was sitting on my couch one morning feeling very horny for reasons that were completely beyond my understanding. my dog was sitting on my lap and when i adjusted myself on the couch, i felt a slight tingling sensation in the private area. initially i thought i had to pee but decided to explore it further as the feeling was completely different than what i was used to. so i kept moving and lightly rubbed up against my dog's back before i reached an unexpected orgasm. i had no words to describe it. i was never too aggressive and the dog was not harmed. i was always fully clothed and reached the orgasm fairly quickly, almost frighteningly so.this happened on and off, very rarely, for the next 2-3 years or so before i finally brought myself around to stopping for good. at the time, I simply just saw this as a convenient way to masturbate because i did not really know anything else.the last thing i wanted to do with this post was cook up any pathetic ""excuses"" that would justify these actions so if anywhere you think i did, please hold me to task in the comment section. acts like this will naturally result in some well-deserved moral condemnation, and rightfully so. i am now fully convinced that i have committed one of the most depraved acts a human being can commit, regardless of age. i was young and stupid and acted out of my own morbid curiosity and i just wanted to express the fact that i am deeply remorseful and cannot apologize enough. are these actions any bearing of who i am today? are suicidal thoughts warranted in this situation? i posted something similar a while ago on a different sub but it quickly got removed before i got many answers so i decided to give it a second chance. my hope is to merely seek closure.i am so fucking sorry I took sexual advantage of a dog in my preteen and I feel like shit about it today",Suicidal +10984,"I am at the university, and I have a scholarship, but my mind is a mess. I have to study too hard if I want to get a job. I do not want to compete or work hard. I cannot be the best, and I do not want it. I have a loving family, but that is not enough. I am feeling really tired. Tired of everything. I do not love myself, I am ugly asf. I do not have any friends, I am an introvert. All I have done since my finals are over is just sitting in my room and doing nothing. Literally nothing. I do not think I want to continue if my life is going to continue like this. I do not want to strive for something, I have no energy. I am afraid of death, and I do not want to make my family be grieved, but also I do not want to continue. I wish I never existed. I do not know what to do. I am exhausted.",Suicidal +10985,"WHY does the internet have nothing but fear mongering on these drugs if they are prescribed to help people? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I am prescribed .50mg three times a day but sometimes ""abuse"" them because my anxiety, dissociation, and or depression become unbearable. I developed an obvious tolerance and my neurologist will not increase the dose. These internet articles I read act like taking fucking 2mg a day is going to kill me. How is it going to kill me? If I abruptly stop? These shit ass pills are not even working. I am about to have a mental breakdown.I am sick of my fucking life I am sick of feeling constant mental anguish but fuck me for trying to numb my pain with this shit. I am too much of a coward to kill my dumb ass self. I am stuck in a nightmare limbo. Fuck my life. Klonopin",Depression +10986,"I wonder when the constant de motivation will end. Constant dark clouds, what feels like chronic tiredness. I am 21M and I do not know how to feel or what to do with my life. I am at university. I do computing, i was motivated in my first year for like 2 months at the start and cheated the rest of the year, still passed. Come September I do not know how I am going to hope, I know a lot of you are feeling this. When I was at college before university during my 2 year course, I was so motivated, went in on my day off, did every bit of work and got straight A'sI've lost interest in most things. I think my emotionally abusive background and heart problems (which are now sorted, well the heart side anyway) have caught up with me. Feels like CPTSD of some sort.I do exercise a lot. I walk for about 2-3 hours a day with music in my ear obviously anyone of you like A7X?I do not feel like I am in a position to work right now. I can only do part time now, but at my last work (month ago) I basically got sacked for being incompetent, I could not concentrate and regularly dissaccociated during work, it was heavy lifting, which led to mistakes, and being very quiet, was easy for managers to lie and get rid of me. The job I had before that was a cashier, and obviously a girl ended up being nasty to me, I can only think because I was doing a good job at work, or came across very quiet. I think I have a mental block of some sortI live with my sister for a while now since my narcissist mother kicked me out. It does get annoying when she is off work and we are kind of looking at eachother all day because I have got no bedroom of my own (I sleep in the living room) and she sits there mainly all day unless she is out and the lack of privacy is depressing, well I know it could be worse than thatAnyone else feel like they are stuck in the same cycle?, Just tired.",Depression +10987,"Ok , I do not know how to describe it, But the life is really terrible and i want already to die I just hate everything",Suicidal +10988,"I am at the university, and I have a scholarship, but my mind is a mess. I have to study too hard if I want to get a job. I do not want to compete or work hard. I cannot be the best, and I do not want it. I have a loving family, but that is not enough. I am feeling really tired. Tired of everything. I do not love myself, I do not have any friends. All I have done since my finals are over is just sitting in my room and doing nothing. Literally nothing. I do not think I want to continue if my life is going to continue like this. I do not want to strive for something, I have no energy. I am afraid of death, and I do not want to make my family be grieved, but also I do not want to continue. I do not know what should I do.",Suicidal +10989,"I see all these successful trans women. They all pass. They manage to put on make up. They wear feminine clothes. And they pass.It destroys me mentally. It makes me feel like I am better off dead than alive, because my anxiety, body limitations etc. prevent me from doing these things as well.I got HRT, 1.5 years now, but I start to lose hope.So why do I always torture myself with looking at all these people on social media. It only harms me and still I cannot stop does anyone know why that might be? 20 yo AMAB. Social media is always destroying me mentally and yet I do not manage to stay away.",Depression +10990,I told my parents I wanted to d!e and they said I am over dramatic and self centered. Then they ask why I would say that. Wonder why i told my parents..,Depression +10991,"I had not had this bad of an episode in awhile. Just feeling so empty and sad. No other emotions. Pushing people away from me. Actually blocked my bf half an hour ago. He called me a few times. I just want to be left alone but at the same time hold, so that I could cry my soul out while being comforted.I just want to be dead. Wanted to hurt myself, could not bring me to it. The scars will be an ass to tattoo over.How can I stop this? Its just an downward spirale. Why do I have to suffer from this? Maybe I deserv it. cannot wait to die in an accident so my family would not be that sad. Bad episode out of nowhere",Depression +10992,"So, this is my first post here. I do not really know what to say. I want to end my life? I do not know. I am morbidly obese, and I am trying everything in my power to lose weight but I am addicted to food and it is not working. All the thoughts going through my head will not let me sleep and it is almost 5:30am. I just want to start over. Do the right things. I do not want to live like this anymore. Last time I contacted a help service I was sectioned in the psych ward and lost my job. I do not want that to happen again, so I am really apprehensive to contact them again. I do not know what to do. I just want it all to end. I feel like I am done living. I cannot picture myself getting to my next birthday. I cannot picture myself being around for another two months. I am just really really done and I do not know what to do. I cannot stop thinking about killing myself.",Suicidal +10993,"I am not a type of person who makes long preparations. I know when i feel that it is time to end my life i will do it quickly.No need to clean my apartment or finish my business.But I wrote a note for my friends and family asking to let me not be. I decided who i left my small possessions.And now i just wait for the final call. Every day i feel worse and worse. Meds and therapy does not help, depression always returns. And life overall does not seem worth living.I wonder when it happens. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next month. When I will finally find peace? Please, mind let the instincts, i really feel that soon it will be time to go. I am getting ready",Depression +10994,"It comes to a point in life where your only friends are cereal, milk, and your bed Quote",Depression +10995,"I am bad at everything i like. I like video games and i suck, but like really, really, really suck. Same with 3D design and renders and stuff. Same with programming. Same with hiking. Same with trampoline. Same with cooking. Same with languages. Same with computers. Same with every single thing.But I am just good enough at these that people who do not know anything about this think I am good, while everyone else think I am a moron.Plus I am annoying, not social, i do not have friends, I am too lazy to go to school or find a job, I am ugly, I am weak, I have never had a girlfriend, I am just sitting at home all day long in front of my computer doing basically nothing. Fuck this life i cannot anymore. I suck at everything and everything bores me",Suicidal +10996,"WHY does the internet have nothing but fear mongering on these drugs if they are prescribed to help people? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I am prescribed .50mg three times a day but sometimes ""abuse"" them because my anxiety, dissociation, and or depression become unbearable.These internet articles I read act like taking fucking 2mg a day is going to kill me. How is it going to kill me? If I abruptly stop? These shit ass pills are not even working. I am about to have a mental breakdown.I am sick of my fucking life I am sick of feeling constant mental anguish but fuck me for trying to numb my pain with this shit. I am too much of a coward to kill my dumb ass self. I am stuck in a nightmare limbo. Fuck my life. PLEASE HELP Me. When to worry about death from too much klonopin???",Depression +10997,Posting this for myself. To hold myself accountable and to let things go into the ether. I have been in a depressive hole for the past 2 years and have been working on the journey out but keep getting knocked down by life and my own bad habits. I take medication and do talk therapy every week. But I also smoke weed everyday which at this point feels like its almost counteracting all the work meds and therapy have been doing. I feel myself ashamed of my life and hating myself. I just wish I did not have to be conscious. I have been having invasive thoughts of self harm and wondering what would happened if I disappeared from this world. I have a few friends that I hold close and are there for me which I am so grateful for. But this thing inside me keeps wanting to kill me. I know they are just thoughts and everything will be fine. But it scares me that one day it may not be? How do you talk to yourself to survive? Feelings n Things,Depression +10998,"Good evening peopleI know there are people with 100X bigger problems hereSo consider it just a ventI AM NOT SUICIDAL..I value life and I am not going to hurt anyone by doing thieSince I was young, I have struggled with the ""nerd guy problems,"" Fewer friends bla bla blaI was diagnosed with a thyroid issueThe few years later diabetes..then failed a year in university,became a pharmacist...I have been through many relationships but they did not click...(sex free relationships due to legal/social restrictions).. friendships decreasing drastically because I lost the will to go out except for work..I cannot wait feel happy or attachedI want something for years.. I get it.. I feel grateful but not happy... it is like a 5 seconds flash of gratitude then back to square zero... I become withdrawn and I panic about the future on daily basis...I work 9 hours daily for 6 days in a retail pharmacy 5pm to 1Pm so I have no life nor will to go out... I just want to stare at the roofI built my future around being a physician .like my father and others...failed to do thisThe career is not fulfilling and most of my coworkers are people with under-average iq so I think i need something better...I cannot reach it and I do not know what it isI am approaching 30 so i do not want to waste my life panicking about getting a rare disease or my thyroid nodules turning to cancer later..Or thinking about a depressing career with no possibility of development...I am approaching 30 and I have not lived....only a boring 20 something guy with a boring farce career and 5 daily meds Minor inconvenience",Depression +10999,I am not happy in life right now and I want to do things but I cannot so I can go through 5 minutes of pain for a entirtie of of either nothing so thatsbbette than pain or a entirtie of doing what I want. If I was happy I would continue living but I cannot see anything picking up and I see nothing in anything I do. And my parents hate me I have got no friends I play for the second best football team in my country but I just do it because I am good at it and not because I enjoy it.Society does not care about men we are just like a disposable bottle society pretend to care but these fake depression people take over and the people who need help do not get it.Death does not phase me it is like being stupid it is only painful for others.I am so dead inside I could literally watch people get killed Infront of me and I would not cry. that is not a flex just got to get it off my chest. My philosophy,Depression +11000,"I had an incident where I was driving and some drivers in a busy intersection just kept piling up and blocked my half of the intersection when it was time for me to go. I immediately just snapped and decided to do the dumbest thing ever and swerved into the oncoming traffic lane to get around without even seeing anyone there. Fortunately I did not get in an accident but I was damn near close. I have noticed that my self confidence has been so shot that I feel incapable of even functioning in society and this incident certainly validates that. I feel that life for me has no consequences and I continue to be self destructive.I have experienced lots of emotional abuse in my upbringing and throughout my life and I cannot ever think calmly and practically because I feel like everyone is breathing down my neck. Its gone too far to the point where I feel like I cannot leave the house. If any of you know, what is the most effective best thing that I can do for myself to escape this mentality?Thank you Is reckless behaviour associated with depression?",Depression +11001,Can you kill yourself with nytol just curious Nytol,Suicidal +11002,its really insulting when that is all they see kn you. just anger. if i hear why do not you just control your anger I am going to kill myself. people only see my anger issues as my entire personality and i feel so fucking horrible,Suicidal +11003,"(F)iend is suicidal with booze and I a(m) ""scum"" an I ""am a f'n failure"" and bc I intervened with her suicide and bc I care I get ""fuck you""Yes we are intimateYes I love herI feel like a complete f'n wastePeople say that its some of the hardest to go through when its a loved one and they are not kidding. I m so broke Idk watto do cannot take much more all I did do is out of love",Depression +11004,"The first time I tried to kill myself was at 12 years old. I googled how much Tylenol I needed to take to overdose not realizing that overdosing did not mean death and I failed. I got into drugs after high school and overdosed on heroin like 4 or 5 times. Each time I either woke up or was saved by someone. I guess ""saved"" is not the word I would like to use because death would have been a relief, but still, there it is. I hate my life. I have a great job, a great girlfriend, great friends, and a loving family, but it does not seem to matter to me. What I want most in this world is for my life to end. Everything just seems pointless no one has ever been able to convince me otherwise.I am going to be poor forever. there is no hope of retirement or becoming independently wealthy, which I think might be the only thing I would have to look forward to.Every single day I struggle to get out of bed, pretending that I want to go to work. The fact that I have to slave away at a meaningless job in order to survive kills me inside. There does not seem to be a point to anything.In 40 or 50 years I will finally die, but why the hell should I allow myself to suffer for that long? Happiness does not seem real or even worthwhile since I am going to die anyway and everyone who cares will also die.I hate living so much. I never asked to be born yet here I am desperately trying to fake it. All I want is for this life to be over. I do not even care about heaven or hell, both of which I do not believe in. I do not care about a legacy or having kids or a family. None of it seems fair to anyone else when I would just be faking it the entire way.If I did not have a girlfriend I would be dead already. I love her so much that I cannot get myself to leave her in pain. But I want it so bad. I want to die more than anything else in this world. Idk what I am expecting to hear but I guess I just needed an outlet. I will probably try and end my life for real eventually but until then I guess I will just struggle on and pretend to be happy.Sorry for the post I guess, I know I am not asking anything or seeking out advice but I have no one I can actually talk to. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist who both do not take me seriously and think pills will help. They do not. They just make me sleep better which I guess is a relief of some sort, but nothing helps. I have tried so many different kinds of meds and professional help. Nothing fixes anything.I fantasize about the day I finally grow the balls to kill myself but I cannot separate myself from anything or anyone keeping me alive. I am just absolutely miserable. I envy all these people I see going about their days happily, liking working their lives away. I just cannot do it. I guess that is all I have to say. I really hate being alive",Suicidal +11005,"This is just another message to the void please do not respond or care. Nobody has ever cared or been there. I cannot continue anymore. I just cannot. I cannot do this thing they call life. I have no reason or purpose anymore, I never have. I cannot. I know Its does not matter to anyone but please just care about someone, anyone. I have been so alone for so long I am leaving this whatever it is in hope that when you see someone cry out for help. Grab them and hold them let them know someone is there that cares and that they are not alone in the world. Goodbye blue marble. I cannot, I just cannot",Suicidal +11006,"I am just tired of it all. Were it not for a few bright things and people in my past I would have been gone a long time ago. I make the same mistakes. I feel invisible when I am not feeling like a burden. I have been able to feel love longer than I can remember. I feel unrepairable. . It physically and emotionally hurts to live. I moved to a different country to start a new life. Tiny things improved, but in the end I am just defective. I am not meant to be anything more than I am. Years and years have proven that.&#x200B;I just want to sleep. 40 yrs old. Tired. Failed 3 attempts in the past.",Suicidal +11007,"I was 17 when I shared an intimate picture of my then gf, who was 18, with a stranger online about a year ago. I regretted it immediately and deleted it. It also did not have her face so it at least it will not ruin her life. I ended up confessing a while later out of fear, the guilt came later. Her, being the angel she was, was willing to stay and work it out, but eventually she left because she could not move on. Why did I do it? Because I got a fucking kick out of it for one moment. I was exposed to fucked up shit from a young age and had a lot of creeps who ""talked"" to me. I knew I was fucked up, but never thought it would affect my relationship with this perfect girl. I was a loner for most of high school and pretty much everyone thought I was a loser and I had a crush on this girl. I somehow got to be with her like it was a movie. Turned out I was the villain.Last time I posted this, I got a sympathetic response probably because I made myself seem better than I am, so I decided to go with a more objective approach to what happened this time. Some days I feel better knowing she has moved on and people make mistakes, but days like today, I deserve to die. I want her to put a gun to my head and shoot me because I emotionally scarred her and we loved each other so much. She trusted me. I tried doing stuff to myself, but I am too much of a coward to finish the job. Parents found out, but that died down. When we broke up, I had a tough time and everything was going wrong, but that was okay because I deserved it. I wanted to suffer, but now things have started to get better in my life and I hate it. I hate that I am alive and God is not punishing me more. I feel like I need her permission to live. I like to starve myself, dunk my head in ice water, or do something so I do not go insane. My counsellor ignored my last email after I missed her call.I do not want her to be sad because of me. She was so nice and I broke her. She said she forgave me, but I want to make it right. I wish we never met, so she could still be smiling. I am so sorry.Sometimes, I feel like this is the only life I have so I have to accept reality. But I did something unforgivable and at the moment, I cannot handle reality.I wrote this very fast in an emotional state so forgive any mistakes in it. I am a piece of shit",Suicidal +11008,"Last Sunday something happened in my friends life that made her not want to be my friend and delete all her social media, I still have zero idea what happened. I called the police to do a welfare check on her because in the past this has happened with family members because and the police need to be called to help. The police check on her and call me to tell me she is fine. That was the last update.She originally blocked me on everything and then unblocked me a little while later and then deleted everything she had. I know she is in a crisis at the moment so I am not angry or annoyed with her, I am just concerned. In the last she is told me she is used an app called Vent so I decided to download it to see if she is posted anything. She posted a few hours ago talking about working out and how happy she is now she is alone and does not have to impress anyone. she is happy she is alone... I never even got to meet her.I miss her My best friend vanished.",Depression +11009,After suffering with depression for the past 20 years and getting over it at points I feel like I am back at square one again. I have not felt this bad in years. I am just sat at a lake listening to Pink Floyd and wanting to throw myself in it (I cannot swim for heck) I hate this darned feeling. Why am I back here.,Suicidal +11010,"I am 14, I told my crush I like him and he likes me back but I do not want to date him, tbh I regret telling him cus I could have just gotten over him but now I know that he likes me back Ill feel bad if I get over him. I do not want a crush cus I feel like it distracts me a lot from my studies and I am not emotionally or mentally mature enough to be in a relationship, I feel like such a shitty person, why does he like me when I am so horrible and indecisive and insecure? Whenever I am alone or late at night, I struggle to fall asleep, I keep thinking of my failures and I am rlly scared that Ill disappoint my parents and be unsuccessful, I feel rlly lonely whenever I am not with my frds, it not that I want to kill my self or die, i just feel rlly empty inside like I have no purpose in life, I wish I could just disappear but without my loved ones being sad from it tho. I kind of want something rlly tragic to happen to me so Ill have a excuse to die, i know that once something rlly bad does happen Ill will not actually want that but its just a thought I am constantly having. I know I do not have it that bad, and others have it way worst so I feel horrible for complaining and feeling this way, I should be grateful for what I have, its just sometimes I wish this privilege was given to someone else since I do not deserve it. I feel rlly empty",Depression +11011,How can one kill oneself and not be accused of suicide? This depression is un-understandable and I do not want anyone to suffer after I am gone. Just something acceptable as untreatable cancer. Slow suicide,Depression +11012,"I feel like a fucking failure. I just want to die. Every month I sink lower and lower. it is almost August, and I have done nothing but be suicidal and complain all year",Suicidal +11013,Haha I am going to die alone,Suicidal +11014,"I bitch in the winter that if it was only sunny and warm out, I would be happy. Well another summer is flying by, I am laying in bed while the sun is beaming. Every night before I go to sleep, I say to myself- tomorrow you are going to go out and do SOMETHING! I wake up, I let another day fly by while I do absolutely nothing. Sorry I just had to rant about my patheticness I just want to WANT to go outside",Depression +11015,"I need to rationalise how I am feeling. I need to talk to someone with an ear to lend. I feel so hopeless and jaded, I have come to a place in life where I am doubting the validity of it all, doubting whether I should wait to find out. that is what happened when you are trapped. Feeling lonely, low, defeated and small. Can anybody talk to me. I am in pain",Suicidal +11016,"I feel like the only reason I do not rage quit the fuck out of here is because of my family. My wife is amazing, so are my parents and they are doing everything they can but there is only so much they can actually do when I just hate living on this fucking planet and I hate people and today's society so much. And I know that everyone who loves me would blame themself if I did it and it is honestly (of course) not their fault. So now, I am just living my normal everyday life, hoping that a bus will hit me or I will die in a car accident. Or do you think I am just too much of a coward to do it and the whole ""oh it is because of my family"" is just a stupid excuse? Just out of curiosity.",Depression +11017,"Just staring at my packed up apartment and feeling so ungodly alone. I do not know what the purpose of acclimating all this stuff was for.I had hoped one last friend was going to drive up today to express their concern, but I guess there was better stuff for them to do. Lost faith in my lost hope",Suicidal +11018,So read my recent posts please and tell me how I survive in prison UK after they take me I am 18 do not have no understanding of the law I have autism what am I eligible for solicitor wise what is it like I have a lot of people who want me dead because of something that happened and I had to protect my family by calling the police I am not scared of dying just scared of the experience as I have pissed off a lot of undercover police officers by confronting them about what they have been doing so when I get took away I am 1000% going to be abused by them I have my word and I do not care about any evidence which has been made to incriminate me I would give a backstory but when I get arrested they will take my phone and probably read this just know I GOT SOMEBODY ARRESTED AND HE SET ME UP WITH A GIRL WHO WAS UNDERAGE I BELIEVED SHE WAS 17 her stepdads dad is a former police officer too this was all a setup from the day I met her multiple people I have had good relationships with in the past are making false allegations to get me locked up because of what that guy did This probably seems crazy to everybody nobody has to believe me I would not too if multiple people were saying the same thing but trust me I have been a target since I was 13 and people have successfully ruined my life I have no evidence to back anything up as I cut people off deleted social media accounts etc but now idk what to do just know this was a HUGE SETUP I tried being a people pleaser for years and now I am going to jail for a long time and will probably be ruined in the media what do I do help me Prison because of corrupt police or suicide ? UK,Suicidal +11019,"I do not know why things are so complicated but still simple. I am 18 (M) and feel a lot of weight of having to perform and earn a decent living for myself but also the expectation of having significant other too.I am now on a walk after helping my dad out with work because I felt like shit (not because of the work or my dad).If anything the walk just made me feel physically tired and lonely and shit. I thought this walk would be nice and refreshing but it was the total opposite. I just wanted to feel something nice but all I really feel is lonely and emptiness.Little things slowly nibble away at me:- Being denied a job opportunity for work experience- Seeing my friends hang out but I am just lonely af- Seeing others together and happy then I question what is wrong with me- Having in the back of my head that everyone else is going off to uni and having a great time and I am stuck by myself trying to scrape things up to hopefully get into pharmacy school (I do not even have much interest, I am only doing it to earn money because my interests will not be able to earn me sufficient money to live- Just feeling like nothing will get better despite my efforts which also just makes it harder to be and consistently stay motivated- Me gaining weight and looking less attractive than I already am.Any advice is appreciated, thank you for taking your time out of your day to read this. I do not understand what I have",Depression +11020,"Recently, I was forced to leave my year old semi feral cats as I relocated to a new area, and the poor, skittish creatures could not handle the change. So they stayed while I moved to my new place. I have been a wreck since then. Almost everything in my life reminds me of them. I miss them unbearably and do not know how to cope. I have been crying throughout the days and I just do not want to do anything other than either cry or hug my cats somehow. They were my closest companions in the lonely post pandemic world. I cannot even fully express my feelings to anyone in real life because they will all make fun of me. I am in so much pain right now, worried sick about my cats who keep crying for me, I have been told. This is terrible. Being forced to leave my cats has triggered a downward mental health spiral",Depression +11021,"Greetings everyone. I do hope you are having a good day/night. I have come here to post my final message, thank you to all who will read it and please hold on tight to your life. I have seen many things throughout my life. I lost my father and several other family members early on. My mother was beaten and spit at by my father and grandmother when she was pregnant with me. That is all I will mention here abuse wise. I grew up alone without any supporting figures. I have survived a war in my country, although it lasted only a few months, it was still not a pleasant experience. I was used by people I thought were friends and I was in three toxic relationships. I have tried ending it dozens of times but I just could not do it. Now that I finally have nothing, actually nothing, only confusion and pain, I do believe I can do it today. I used to be a happy optimistic kid and now it is a shame to see myself as corpse (mentally) I wish I made the right decisions and did not traumatise myself even further. I regret what I have done, mental instability was never an excuse to harm or plot against others, neither can it ever be an excuse to hurt animals. Please please please get therapy as soon as you feel something is wrong, I did not do that and it was the biggest mistake I can think of. Please hold on everyone and do your best to work with what life has given you. I wish for others to not end up like I did, I wish for others to be at least somewhat happy. Farewell people, I do not know any of you but the only thing I hope for is that you do not go through what I have. That your heart does not die, that your hope does not die. And I assure everyone that someone out there cares. The decision is mine, I have already been considering it for a long time. I know I could have kept going and achieved something. But with the near insane state my head is in, to keep going would only be torture. Today is the day",Suicidal +11022,"The past couple years have changed me and really put things into perspective for me (I am in the US). I have lost all motivation and reason for doing things, I am always negative and pretty much constantly worry about death. I have gotten so fucked up mentally this past year. I have become extremely depressed, I stopped working out, to do any of my hobbies is a chore for me, I hate my job and cannot find a new one or figure out what to do with my life, I am always snippy and short tempered with my family. I did not go to my sister's birthday BBQ last night because I knew I would just bring my dread, depression, and misery with me. I do not think I am suicidal but it is definitely the easier option and I have considered it alot recently. I do not see much to look forward to if the world is ending and there is political mayham in almost every country. Seriously why cannot people realize we are all in this together and billionaires and corporations can fuck off. I really related to Bo Burnham's Inside and recently cannot get ""All Eyes on Me"" out of my head. I feel like this great life I had planned from when I was young got ripped away from me. what is the point of a pointless, meaningless job, if I am not helping people or trying to save the planet? what is the point of having kids, if they will just see the end of the earth? what is the point of getting married, I will just be miserable and alone forever? I do not want to live like this, please make it stop. I just want the constant existential dread to stop",Depression +11023,"Ever since I began feeling depressed I had trouble falling asleep, it usually takes me 2-3 hours of staying in my bed motionless to fall asleep.do any of you experience the same thing? cannot fall asleep, is it normal?",Suicidal +11024,I am having dark thoughts I am in such a bad situation i cannot believe this is happening.Can anyone talk to me? I am really anxious I really need help,Suicidal +11025,Self harmed. Wanted to slit my wrists badly. Now I am at psych ER waiting for a doc.Slight improvements lol I did the right thing.,Suicidal +11026,I do not necessarily want to die but I am tired of suffering. I feel trapped in a constant cycle of suffering. Nothing is going my way. My life is horrible and I am sad almost everyday. I do not know who can help me or what to do. I have no clue what to do. I am really thinking about ending my life,Suicidal +11027,"I do not remember the last time I have had a good nights rest or a nice meal. I have been losing weight or barely maintaining it for months now and I feel exhausted all the time. I do not know what to do currently working two jobs and paying bills since I moved into my girlfriends place with her family. Getting away from my mom was good but I have been made aware of so much of my mental illness since I came here. I dissociate often and go through long episodes of depersonalization. I ask myself if anything even exists anymore, or if I killed myself long ago and this is hell. I do not mean to type any of this to victimize myself or to come off as edgy but I feel like this is my last straw. I only have so much strength left. Any comments are appreciated I cannot.",Suicidal +11028,So I have suffered with bi-polar most of my adult life (I am 36 now) This last year has been tough. Not just because of the pandemic but family issues as well. I have the support of my wife and luckily a really good mental health nurse. But I do not plan when I want to kill myself. Its always really impulsive. Which is quite dangerous - because I do not have any trigger signs where I am like okay I need to do something Anyway I took one this week. Zopiclone - 28 tablets 7.5mg. Wife phone the police and ambulance. Police turned up first. They were fine (I have had previous police visits and they have been utter knobs) ambulance rolls up. I am feeling pretty woozy now. So straight to hospital for me. On a drip - blood tests and stomach pumped. Nurses and Drs were actually sympathetic (I have had it again where they treat you like shit) then I had to see the mental health worker - explained to her it was impulsive I do not want another new mental health nurse. Then the next few days after have been rough as fuck. Constant sickness. Foggy head. Pins and needles all over. The sense of I cannot even kill myself. Another thing to add to the ever growing failure list. But I am still here. Writing this. So part of me is gripping on. What happens when an overdose does not work.,Depression +11029,does anyone take this? i recently got it prescribed to me and i want to know any side effects it may have and how it makes people feel. its used as an anti-depressant for me but is also to help people stop smoking? Wellbutrin?,Depression +11030,"Background info: there is something wrong with me where when my stuff is moved around or organized differently it makes me freak out its such a horrible feeling. Idk why, it makes me have this huge rage I cannot control and flail my body around and it always makes me want to sh a ton (but I cannot bc my parents know I sh and check). My parents have organized my rooms lots of times without telling me and every time it becomes some huge fight. My room gets messy a lot because of my depression and my parents get upset about it and stuff. I am 18 and I cannot afford to move out even though my relationship with my parents would be 10x better if I could. I was on vacation for a week with a friend of mine and I was excited to get back. My moms appendix ruptured when I was gone, and every single day I would bike out far where I could get service just so I could check up on her. Before I got back I called my dad and I asked if anything was organized differently bc I really did not want that and I woukd rather know in advance. He said no. But when I got home, a bunch of my stuff have been hung up on my walls. To a normal person this probably is not a big deal but for me for some reason it makes me feel like my skin is burning and the world is ending. I cannot control it and I do not know why. One was my art project I worked on for WEEKS. So I tore it all down, and I very carefully tried to take my project down and it ripped on the side. That makes me so upset it was my favorite thing I have ever made. So I walked into my parents room and was flipped out and I was like there things on my wall when you told me you would not, and my project ripped. They got very mad and just told me to leave. The next day I went to talk about it. It was the biggest fight we have ever had. And I tried to explain my side and I apologized for getting upset, but explained I am very frustrated bc idk how to fix my project and they know this makes me upset and it has become a pattern. They yelled at me and said things like do you know how much we do for you!and I said yes and I appreciate that but I am just trying to explain this. They also brought up how one time they had to reorganize my room because I was going to the mental hospital and that they did not have a choice, I said I understand that and I am not upset about that (expect for the fact that when they cleaned it that time they threw away a letter from my best friend that I had to dig up from the trash). They go do you think we wanted to have to dig through your room looking for things you could use to cut yourself! And your room was disgusting and It was like a horders room! I was extremely depressed at the time, so yes my room was a mess but I was to depressed to care at the time its not like that anymore. Like I am sorry I am a burden to the whole family. Clearly I hate myself already. They did not have to be so mean. I do not know what is wrong with me but I wish they would have just talked about it instead of yell at me and say mean things. I am so fucking tired of living and so tired of not being able to sh. I just got in a huge fight with my parents",Depression +11031,"Standing at the train station bawling my eyes out for no reason, good thing I have a mask on. Can I get some comfort please? Crying in public",Depression +11032,"Two thoughts i would like to share today. How i feel and how i see myself in the future. Maybe I am being selfish coming here with ""such a small thing"" but i cannot see myself talking to anyone about this. So, i live in the contradiction of ""having a perfect life"" and finding no joy in whatsoever. I am only 21, currently in med school, i have family, a few friends, used to get laid sometimes before quarentine, have not lost anyone to covid due to our hard isolation. Yet, i still feel like nothing can make me happy. Things i used to enjoy are no longer fun, and i have no new interests at all... feels like things are not ""worthy"" (like ""oh, ofc i want to play guitar, but uh, it takes so much effort, i do not want to anymore). Nowadays i just wake up with no motivation whatsoever do the hateful remote college stuff and wait for the night, when i cannot sleep and, for no reason at all, feels so lonely, so empty, so lacking the reason to wake up tomorrow that i want to seat in the room and drink until i forget who i am and sleep. Tbh, even that is denied, cuz i have epilepsy and alchool makes me convulse. I do not want to kill myself, but i do think about, and i figured out i woudnt do it because ending it now feels like a selfish decision to my parents, my dog and probably half the world whom would envy my life. When i think of my future, on other hand, every scenario leads to this: I am coming home late night after some pacient die in my hands. Parents dead/old enough to care. All by myself getting a drink and finally getting the guts to mix my own damn medications with some other pills. A whole life seeking happiness and just failing finding one single thing that can, as spinoza would say, increase the bodys power of being I am not suicidal TODAY, but anywhere i look into my future, i see it there",Suicidal +11033,"I go at school nobody talks to me,when i try and talk to someone they just pick on me for somthing,or laugh at me,i come home even if its your own blood nobody listens to me,i try and speak to them they just yell at me,nobody takes my side,they make me feel like shiteveryday and everynight.i always listen to them,their problems,help them out with things as soon as I am tired and cannot help they become mean.as soon as i want to talk about myself on how i feel they just start yelling at me that i do not want to hear.i stand up for myself they tell me to shut the fuck up and laugh in my face.I fuckin hate it so much everyone makes me want to kill myself everyday,even fuckin people in stores or in the streets they never act nice with me but i always see them acting nice to others.Why does everyone makes me feel so fuckin useless.I am trying my best.nobody cares about me,I am so fuckin lonely it hurts,nobody will talk to me irl,just if they need something.i just want to disappear like i never existed. Why is everyone against me",Suicidal +11034,"19M all I do is work, I work 86 hours a week most of the time and do not do anything else. Sometimes Ill have off and I spend it with my girlfriend and we do not do much either because she works a lot also. I am so irritated with everyone outside of work and I feel bad after. The only part of my life I enjoy now is when I am at work. I make around 800-1,100. I do not know what to do, I really love the job but I feel like its consuming me and taking away my young years, but at the same time my goals are to save up for a home some day, what do I do ? Idk",Depression +11035,"I have treatment resistant depression. I am happy with my psychiatrist, but I am moving on from my talk therapist of 20+ years. he is the only therapist I have seen, and I felt that sessions with him had stagnated. I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday, and I am dreading it because feel like I am standing at the bottom of a huge mountain. I feel the need to explain to him how I arrived at this point in my life, but I have no idea where to begin or how get him up to speed.Any guidance would be appreciated. Need advice on moving to a new therapist.",Depression +11036,I am so tiredI want the stress to stopIt feels neverendingI miss the before times Covid exhaustion,Suicidal +11037,"I feel hopeless! I cannot eat, cannot sleep, cannot remember the last time i laughed! This all started once i decided to check up on my childhood friends from school. I am 24 years old and due to anxiety and depression I have had since i was eighteen led me to isolate myself everyone i knew. So fast foward to now. I went on linked and saw that my old friends are graduating with msc at the age of 24 and i started college jan 2021 but i fucked up my first semester. Ill be graduating at 27/28 with no Work experience. I feel hopeless. What makes it worse is that, is that i have zero self confidence due to my shitty childhood. My mom taught me to be afraid of everything and my dad beat the shitout of me and always told me i was dumb. But at 24 i cannot wait life to get better specially knowing how low my self-esteem. Through out my uneventful life i was always felt like i was going to grow up and have fun and exiting adulthood. But now i see that is not the case. The only thing stopping me from ending my life is, the pain it will bring my family. And also due to my religion. But incase this does not get better, what is the easiest way to commit suicide?do not have a gun. And i do not want to hang myself because, its painful, long and i would not know how to do it. I do not know any life threatening drugs and even if idid, i would not know how to get them. Throwing myself in front of a train seems to be my only option. Life passed me by",Suicidal +11038,My friend has not talked to me in a while. But it is been really affecting me. I do not know why it is but it is. it is eating at me like I have done something horrible. Maybe I have and I just do not realize it. I do not understand,Depression +11039,So I was minutes away from offing my self but Freind called me and asked me if I was ok we talked for hours he saved me and help me in my darkest of times never left my side two days ago i was told he passed I am not in good shape I am still in shock I talked to my therapist he said I should talk to someone anyone want to talk:( My friend saved me and passed three days ago,Depression +11040,"Hi all,How long did the dizziness last for anyone who has come off citalopram. Currently on my 4th day of stopping the medication altogether and I have had a few mood swings and low level headache but nothing too extreme. Just a bit concerned by the dizziness though as this makes me worried to drive etc.Anyone have any expirence of how long they last?Also I have been on this medication for approx 8 years so I am pleasantly surprised it has not been worse so far!Any advice would be great. Citalopram withdrawal.",Depression +11041,"have not really sought much help, I was convinced I was going to kill myself by now but I do not think I can bring myself to traumatize my fianc like that. My biggest issue is not being able to talk to others very well, my mind just *always* goes blank when conversation is needed, except when I am with my fianc. Not being able to talk with people on the level I want to kind of causes me to spiral out and get more depressed, which just makes social situations even worse, and I end up usually just avoiding them, which makes me more depressed of course. What do you guys do to get past that? Trying to push myself to get through this and be better, how do you guys escape your cloud and be social instead of running?",Depression +11042,"Me - 24M My Partner 29F I have undiagnosed anxiety - at least I think I do. Whatever it is, its taken a toll and ruined most of the romantic relationships I have been in. And its rearing its ugly head again, or I am. (I am trying not to place the blame on the anxiety, I need to own it)I have been obsessively checking my partners location using Find My - even when I know where she is (work, home, sisters, etc) It occurred to me recently, What would I do if she was not where she said she was? It always worries me when she (or my past partners) would go out for the night to hang out with friends and have a few drinks. I get this overwhelming feeling that they are going to find someone better, bring them home and be unfaithful; just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. I want to be able to tell myself that is not likely and get out of my own head but Its all I can think about. It does not help that my current partner is Bipolar 2 and has manic episodes where her sex drive is elevated - that scares me even more. What if she needs to scratch that itch and I am not around? What if she is mad at me and does it to get back at me? What if this? What if that? Its a deep rabbit hole. To pile on the crap, she works retail and I have an office job so there is several hours every night that I try to keep myself busy and not imagine her sneaking off from work to be with someone else. Speaking of work, she is fairly new at this job in a management position and they are already talking about moving her to a new store possibly out of state as the next step career wise. Now this is not for a few years but I have got obligations here that make it more challenging for me to pack up and move to a new state if that is what happens. She, she just has me and lately its felt like she would be willing to drop me like a sack of potatoes should the offer come up.Its been a recurring argument; we never have time for just us you are always on about workJust be present with me they call you in every day, even on your days off its taxing to say the least. We talked recently and it came up that our priorities are out of order Hers are: 1. Her career 2. My Career 3. Our relationship Mine are: 1. Our relationship 2. Our careers It just feels like she is not willing to compromise at all. I have asked her multiple times if she would be willing to but its always I do not know what my plan is yet I do not want her to give up her future for me but I do not want to be considered when she thinks about her future, that does not seem crazy, right? The icing on the cake is I have developed a little bit of a weed addiction. Problem is - I work for Uncle Sam. And also, I act like such a child when I am high. I try not to I try to be chill like everyone else but when I am high is the only time I feel like I can not worry about everything else.So yeah I act like a child when I am high because the rest of the time I have to hold everything together and its this sweet sweet release from that. I do not know what the point of this rant is - is it a confession, is it a rant, I just want to be heard, validated maybe. What does it look like from the outside?Ask questions for clarification if you want. I feel like my anxiety is ruining my life",Depression +11043,My mother stole literally 500k from what SHOULD have been my college fund and refuses to pay it back in a false lawsuit she had no CHANCE of winning when my dad died to get 800k out of my uncle. she is abused me my entire life and I NEEDED that money to get away from her What is the fucking point,Suicidal +11044,"i cannot do life anymore, everyone i know is doing amazing and so well, my friends leave me out of everything fun, and treat me like a child. my gf is only happy if I am giving everything i can give. nothing can keep me happy. i do not enjoy what i used to love. I am to afraid to runaway. and i think suicide so so so much, and it seems to be an option that i should take. as i do not think many people i know would really care anyway i cannot",Suicidal +11045,I am writing a story and my character is a man in his late 30s who is had depression since he was in his early teens. Now I have been depressed since my early teens too but I am only 20 and still trying to get my life together. what is it like being depressed when you are older and have more life experience? How does depression feel for you and how does it manifest in your life? Do you know why you are depressed or where it comes from? I know they are not very easy questions but id really appreciate any insight Men 35-45 can I ask you something?,Depression +11046,"I am going to hang myself it will likely be painful and I am so scared if you live in England please could you help me get something that I could inject into myself to make it easier My life sucks I have been this way since I was 9 years old I am 29 years old now I am about as dumb as a person can get I have 0 life skills and almost 0 money but I have a few things I can give in return for the easier method 2 expensive wrist watches, a good laptop and some cashI have nobody and nothing to live for so my life does not matter but someone could make the end a little bit easier please help me I cannot take any more of this Please help me",Suicidal +11047,They are both shit but maybe the weekends hurt a bit more because when I was younger I use to love them especially Saturdays I miss being innocent and not knowing what a shit hole world we live in is. When you are young everything feels exciting and new as you age reality sticks it is ugly head in and everything becomes harder and more painful.l This is where depression makes it is debut and sucker punches you out and then after that you are never the same anymore. Weekends feel almost worst then weekdays,Depression +11048,[ Please I need help to try and save someone,Suicidal +11049,"Well here it goes since this is my first post here and just looking for a positive comment or maybe some advice. I will start off by saying that I am 21 and unemployed. I have a GF and we are great together. I have family that is within an hour drive. I have a decent support system in my life. But lately I have just felt bland about everything. Any hobbies I enjoyed have kind of died and I do not have much hobbies other than gaming. While I have been unemployed for the last few months I have been trying to get my head straight, I quit my E-Cigarette mid May. Used to smoke alot of weed. Now I have cut back and using that as a reward instead of a nightly ritual. Since I have been off work I have been trying to figure out what my interests are and what I could see myself doing in the future as a steady career. I will be honest... I am a lazy guy. I go for walks sometimes to get me out of the house. Listen to podcasts. Apply for jobs. Gaming seems to be the only thing that I slightly enjoy simply because all the action is happening infront of me, I am not physically moving but I am controlling what is happening in the game so that is entertaining for me. I have gotten job offers and I always find something wrong with them, whether it be the commute, the pay, or the hours (too early or too late). I just cannot seem to get any traction, any motivation. I just do not really know what to do. I look at our planet and hate it because it is dying and we HAVE to do something but big company's are not doing anything. Society is breaking down slowly but surely. I do have a doomsday mindset I will admit and I am trying to kick it, but it is hard when there is so much negativity and so little positivity in the world. Everyone just keeps saying to me ""you will be back on your feet and feeling better once you get a job"". For some reason I do not believe them. I feel like I do not fit in this world sometimes, that I am a wasted space. That I do not want to live, but I do not want to die either. I just simply exist and I am not enjoying it as much as I once did. So what is a good stepping stone to start with? A rant about myself",Depression +11050,"Hey guys - I am 32M, and have had pretty severe depression and anxiety for many years now. When I think about it, I think it all started with my mother's death when I was a child, but for many years I buried everything, I got on with life, did not complain, went to school, went to work, did ok in life. But somewhere around the age of 21 I just cracked, I started having sleep problems, I felt anxious and depressed and even had nightmares about my mother a lot and I just could not function. But instead of seeking help I tried to just march on with life, as I had done before, but this time I was not able to. Things got worse, I was isolated, did not respond to messages/calls from people I knew, became more isolated and tried to commit suicide. I wish I had known that I was genuinely depressed. As strange as it sounds I had no idea what was going on with me. Not a single person noticed in my life, they were terrible with things like mental health etc. Not an ounce of support or understanding, just a tacit understanding that I should not talk about anything like this.I spent a period of 2-3 years pretty much bed ridden, even more isolated, lonely, health failing, mind crumbling. But with therapy and medication managed to crawl out of that hole. It has been 10 years now, 10 years of struggle and I still cannot believe it has been that long. I have been destitute, alone, isolated, homeless for a period, jobless for long stretches. Basically just so unwell that I was not able to ever plan for anything, or get my life back together. I was taking it an hour or a day at a time. There were days when just brushing my teeth was an achievement. But how could I explain this to someone? I could barely look after myself.I managed to start medication and get therapy and that was a huge help, and for the past 3 years or so I have been doing ok, but there are still moments when the pain I carry from those difficult years are hard to shake off. I thought I had friends, I thought I had family, but when the time came I was truly alone. Not a single person really helped me, and that broke my heart and changed many of my relationships. I do not feel the same, even though I still see some of these individuals...Anyway, long story short, I think I am doing ok now, but at times it really gets me down when I think of all the time I have lost, I know there is nothing I can do about it, and on better days I tell myself just to carry on and it will be ok. I try not to compare myself to friends or anyone else, but at times I look around and see people I know, people who were at one stage the same as me, and they are doing great in terms of career and relationships, and I am truly happy for them, but I see myself and it really crushes me. It dawns on me how truly sick I was and how much time I have lost, and it is hard to get myself out of that hole. I feel like I still struggle a lot and it has cost me relationships/friendships and also financially/career-wise. I look healthy, I am tall, have hair, in very good shape, but I cannot seem to tell anyone, a few times I have tried but how do you open up with such heavy stuff. Family members have just dismissed me, and acquaintances sometimes cannot believe me because they say I look like I am well. But deep inside, there are days and weeks where I feel such pain that I do not know if I can carry on.I do not know why I am posting this today, I have had an ok week, but this morning I woke up and just felt terrible. I am still on medication and yesterday picked up some more from the pharmacy. The only thing is because I take generic sertraline sometimes the brands change, I do not know if my mood has anything to do with the fact that I started taking another brand of sertraline the other day...but I just feel so low right now, have not felt like this in months, I feel like killing myself, it is a horrible soul-crushing feeling and I feel like I should hang myself to just stop feeling this. It just crept up on me all of a sudden. I know this sounds a bit negative but I just needed to reach out and talk to some fellow human beings, and just be heard and listened to, I do not have anyone I can tell and I feel like I am drowning right now. I feel such profound pain it is almost making me cry, which never happens. Like my mood is just out of whack and cannot be controlled.Please, anyone, help, suggest something or just say you hear me and that I am not alone. I really need to just talk to someone, or to be heard. Having a really bad day.",Depression +11051,"I am trying to reach out for help before it gets bad again, but I have been told that nobody needs the stress by a close family member. So do I suffer in silence or do I try to get help? Am I not as important as them?",Depression +11052,"i used to be very optimistic and helped people out of their misery, offered a shoulder, and I have always tried my best to blur out any feelings of loneliness. it might sound selfish, but now that I am in my lowest, i expected at least a one person to have my back. but i feel as if I am one push away from toppling over.music used to be so nice. id lie down and listen to music, and ill feel alright. but now music annoys the hell out of me. i want it to be quiet, but silence annoys me too.I have tried new hobbies, and everyday id stare at my unfinished projects and feel hatred for no reason. at myself, probably.meeting new friends is a no-go. they are always full of creeps and wants something from me. my current friends do not understand how much pain I am in. i love them to death, but i feel like that is not the case with them.the person i love the most is now distant from me. soon enough they are going to lose feelings and ill be all alone. my parents are narcissistic and my future smells like a big failure. no doubt that I am going to be broke and a disappointment once i step into the adult world. i hate my personality, i hate my life , i hate my body, i hate how much of a coward i am. i hate every single thing about me and it comes to the point where i cannot even speak because my own voice fucking annoys me.I am about 45% ready to commit suicide. what is there to live for? i should just disappear.",Suicidal +11053,"Originally posted on the r/suboxone, I thought it might be more appropriate here. But peeps, kindly let me know where it should go. AnywayJust wondering if anyone is in the sameboat. My story of addiction is a short one compared to many but this post is long so Ill provide a concise TLDR at the end. My mother (who I was extremely close to and saw every single day, even when I lived by myself) died suddenly in her sleep a week after my 27th birthday. As you can imagine, the word devastated does not do it justice. I already had been battling depression since I was a little girl, never without any relief (SSRIs, NDRIs, atypical, even ketamine infusions followed by sublingual ketamine drops. The only thing I have ever tried is an MAOI). They finally put me on adderall for several years for treatment resistant depression. It got me out of bed, made it so I could hold down a job, but if I chose not to take it for a day? Id spend the day in a blacked out room, leaving the bed and seeing the light as little as possible. The adderall made me feel horrible physically, moody, reckless but I was worthless otherwise. My mom was the only one in my family who ever knew any of this and knew that I was always a much, much different kind of little girl. It was s problem her and I tried to solve together but never could. I am the youngest of three. A sister 12 years my senior and a brother 9 years my senior. They both chose to never do anything significant with their lives. My sister was always a waitress and my brother was a bartender. I was the only one who attended university and built a career (as a writer despite this poorly written post). Its actually very abnormal because my family moved here from Israel when I was still very young because of the better schools. Most Jewish families take education very seriously but my siblings always had zero confidence, ambition, or passion. And my parents were not the type to push. In hindsight, they are like my father. My father retired in his 50s and my mother supported everything and everyone. She still paid my siblings phone bills even though they were nearing 40, lent money to whoever needed it. And and I am sure the financial stress she was under contributed to her early death. When she died, the bills and debt did not stop and someone had to take over. I was the only realistic person to take over and I did. But I was overcome with such incomprehensible depression and grief, I just could not work. And I could not lose my $75k a year job when I suddenly had a family to support. My sister was unemployed at the time and stayed that way for a year and a half following my moms death despite the obvious pressure I was under. My brother had recently had a baby (a year ago) so that was his excuse but he would not have helped regardless.To get to the point, I started getting prescribed oxy 30s by a doctor who ruined my adolescence and is now no longer allowed to practice. He prescribed them to me for carpal tunnel and they numbed me and made me capable of working. I knew I was making the choice to become addicted. I knew Id have to face it eventually, and about 10 months later after losing 15 pounds (I was less than 130 to start with) and when Id gotten to the point where I was spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on more pills, I overdosed after taking 90mg of oxy and 30mg of adderall. Well I had a seizure, I do not know if that is technically an OD. It happened in our driveway and when I came out of it, my father screamed at me for hours, saying things that Ill never fully get over. A month or so later I was prescribed buprenorphine. At first I thought I felt good because I was not going through withdrawals constantly while stressing about finding my next pill but buprenorphine totally changed my life. I felt like a normal person for the first time in my entire life. I was still more of a depressive than your average 20-something girl, still an introvert but I cleaned things, kept my space tidy and organized, I got promotions and raises at work, I had healthier interpersonal relationships, I went to the gym for nearly two hours every day for a year and a half. Two years after (almost to the day) of my momss death, I met the man I am nearly certain I will marry. He knows everything about me and has never once judged me. And for the first time, I know I can be a good partner who will not drag him down into my depression. Hes also on Prozac and is a bit of a depressive himself but it somehow makes us even closer. Hes about 10 years older than me and his wisdom about sadness and depression really help me. And we just love each other in a very pure way. It feels right. I have read everything there is to read about buprenorphine and its use in depression. It breaks my heart that more people cannot access it for this reason and that as long as I take it, I will have the label of an opioid addict, something that reminds me of the darkest period in my life. I recently tried going off and trying Wellbutrin instead. It was a horrible experience. During that 8 weeks I bought Xanax and cocaine (two things Id never had any addiction to or interest in but felt I needed them to work and sleep). My boyfriend saw the change in me and really urged me to say fuck the stigma, I am going to take whatever pill makes me the best version of myselfWhen it comes down to it there are people like me out there. Who knew from the time they were little kids that they were depressed. And they cannot find relief. At some point, although I have never personally had suicidal thoughts, I can see how people feel like giving up. Maybe this post is better for the depression thread, I am not a Reddit pro. Just sharing my experience with a medication that turned me from a train wreck who never felt sober happiness to someone on the precipice of engagement who derives pleasure from painting and reading and running these are things are never thought were possible before buprenorphine. TL;DR: Buprenorphine finally successfully relieved my treatment resistant major depression and has been a literal miracle for me personally even though it took going through hell to get here. After lifelong treatment resistant major depression, Buprenorphine changed my life.",Depression +11054,"why do i feel depressed randomly for no reason? I had this time period like 2 months ago where i would randomly cry for no reason cuz i would miss my ex gf, and even when i would not be thinking about her i would sometimes just start crying. and then it was great for a month and now something happened and it is starting again, tho I am not crying as much mostlly only feeling depressed. It only happens when I am alone tho with no people around to talk around or if I am not doing anything, like when i am overthinking it starts to happen again . How do i stop it i feel ashamed of myself for crying cuz I am a really buff guy and it would be weird for someone like me to have such emotions depressed ranomlly for no reason",Depression +11055,I mean come on its so much more convenient Ngl i think the people around me would be better with me dead,Suicidal +11056,"Okay so my life is pretty miserable. I work a 9 to 4 job and then I come home and crumble in anxiety. And stay in bed until it is time to sleep. I maintain a very healthy diet because I have issues with my body image so I spend ALL my money on clothes and healthy food, which is literally where all my money goes, up until I was paying my education. Sometimes I drink coffee in between meals so I will not eat anything because of my ""complex"". ANYWAY, I have had some downfalls the last few months, which led to a serious stage of depression. Cut to the last few days, I have gotten extremely sick and I am on antibiotics. I feel like my brain literally froze and I am in a coma. I cannot remember a single happy memory. Its as if my mind is PITCH BLACK and I feel super lonely. I am afraid of waking up tomorrow because I know it will be just a bad. I feel like everything is SUPER quiet and life is waiting for me to do something stupid. I literally just do not want to be here but I am not tired enough to sleep, I guess I will just have to crumble in anxiety and existential dread I guess. I have had some downfalls the last months",Depression +11057,"So, hello and sorry if this post sounds whiny, I will delete it if it does. I am 21m and for as long as I can remember, my life has been miserable. I was bullied in school, had almost no friends, and so found solace in locking myself in my room and wasting time on the computer. This lasted from about 10 to 15. Since then, I have spent my time regretting my life thus far and desperately trying to turn things around, unsuccessfully. The whole situation with COVID and the lockdowns worsened my depression because I no longer was able to do anything of value with my time, since I was stuck in an abusive household where everything I did was ridiculed. I feel old and broken.Anyway, sorry for ranting, but I needed to take all this off my chest. Depression stole my youth",Depression +11058,"I just want to end all my pain. I cannot get happy anymore I just want to lay down and die. Nobody loves me or cares for me I am alone. I have been fighting this battle for far too long and its time to end it. I have given up long ago and Ill never be happy. You guys do not know me and I do not expect you guys to care but I just wanted to put my final goodbye out there for people, so they know how Ill finally be free after I end it and how people will be so much happier I am gone. I cannot seem to find happiness anymore",Depression +11059,"This will be really long, since i have not opened up to anyone and i want to say everything here, so I do not think anyone would read this. It all started last year, when me and my best friend randomly became friends with a boy from our school, after online classes started. we suddenly got close and were known as a trio and the boy started liking my best friend. he confessed to her after some days, only to get rejected by her since she already had a boyfriend. that pissed him off, and they had a fight and blocked each other everywhere. i was asked to do the same.after some months, in my mathematics class he texts me saying that he wants to be friends with me again, and i unblock him. we became quite close, and somewhere he had begun calling him my best friend. it is not like i minded it, so i went with it. he started going out with a girl during this time, whom he said that he liked a lot, but i knew that he only wanted a girl. this pissed me off a bit, but i did not say anything. we were quite good friends during this time, but the way he treated the girl annoyed me a lot. he went as far as asking another girl for n*des while he was with her, and when asked, he termed it as a joke. despite all this, I was still friends with him.The last straw of their relationship was when the boy forced himself on the girl inspite of her asking him to stop many times. that was it, i was ready to break my friendship with him. i cared about the girl, and i could not be friends with someone like him.this is where the entire problem began.i wrote him messages, saying that I wanted to end our friendship, and i think it was during this period when i started getting manipulated by him. he kept nagging me for forgiveness, and convinced me that he was the victim in that situation and that it was not intentional. i knew that this was wrong, but I think it softened my view for him, a bit. i wanted to hate him, but it was practically impossible for me to do so. so i started talking sh*t about him in group chats and calls where he was not present, so that my friends would think i hate him.somewhere during all this, he was again my self proclaimed best friend, and along the line i lost many friends too, which made him the only support i received in my life. when all my classmates talked sh*t about me, he was my support. or so i thought. i tried getting rid of him from everywhere. blocked him, ignored him, everything. but somehow he still contacts me and i have no idea how. he can go as far as calling my parents to tell them that I am ignoring them and tell them to ask me to unblock him. i hate him, very much, and I have tried countless times to push him out of my life but he keeps coming back. I even faked having a boyfriend, so that he leaves me, but he did not, and said that he would wait for me till i broke up with him. after all this, he keeps saying he loves me, did so for a long time and he is done a lot for me.along the line, i kept getting softened and manipulated by him, and mistook his obsessiveness and toxicity for love and affection towards me. I had a therapist but she kept asking me to focus on my studies and one time i tried opening up to her she shut me up saying this is all just superficial sh*t. somewhere along, i started taking anti depressants, which were of no use since they make me feel numb and devoid of feelings. I cannot talk about this with my parents either, since they love him and think that he is a really good guy. and when i try to talk to them, they ask me to take anti depressants and that they are busy for my bullsh*it.to be honest, I am a very impulsive person. I do everything out of impulse. I cut my lower back length hair short because of impulse. and then i regret everything. my last straw was a similar decision. he said he loved me one day, and with all my tangled feelings of love and hate towards him, i agreed upon dating him. a decision i deeply regret, since it was really my last straw. it was suffocating for me and i just wanted to run away from everything. but i could not break up because that would mean me losing the support of my classmates all together, since he had already manipulated all of them into thinking that he loves me a lot, they would think I am toying with my feelings. i could not do that anymore, so i broke up with him, with my best friend's support. i thought i would finally get rid of him, but he created a lot of drama saying that i toyed with his feelings and everything. and all my classmates called me all sorts of things because of that. he somehow even managed to befriend my best friend too.I am just done with all this. I have run away countless times from home, but i always end up coming back because i have nowhere to go. Recently, I overdosed on anti depressant pills, and currently I am in the hospital. I really thought I would die, but I did not. I do not know what to do, and how to get him out of my life. I am going to get into a college soon, and I just cannot focus on my academics or myself because of all this. I have studied my entire life to become a doctor from this college of my dreams, but now I just want all this to end, because of that one guy. I want to stand up for myself, but i do not know what to do. I just do not know what to do.If you read it till here, thank you very much, i really appreciate it. I have no one to open up to, and i need help",Suicidal +11060,"This is how my day goes I wake up find things to do to distract me from bad thoughts or I am sleeping as a form of escaping my thoughts but the period where I actually try to sleep and have no distractions and I am thinking, my thoughts always make me feel like I am the worst person alive Distraction",Depression +11061,"Just got home from work. I just feel down. I am about to take a nap, mostly because I do not want to feel like such a worthless sack of shit. we will see.. I think if I wake up from this nap I am about to take, I would be a little disappointed",Depression +11062,Hey people . I think I need help. For a years I have had mood swings but never this radical . I go to ok to planning to kill myself and I do not know what to do. Every little mistake bring me down like it is the end of the world. I cannot get a raise at my job because of this. I do love my job and some aspects of my life. I saw a psy it did not really help and I take pills so I am confused and exhausted mentally Radical Mood swings,Depression +11063,"I hate to sound lazy but there is just so much to do...and for what? You have to study or work, have to maintain a good job or grades, have to have a sufficient social circle, a relationship, be healthy, work out, maintain hobbies..its just too much for me. I have hope for the future, I have goals but there is just so much effort to reach them. Last year I had motivation and I tried for months on end with meditation and exercise and journaling and reflection and I fell off this year because it was not working for me. It was all that effort for nothing. Whenever I work up the courage to go seek out a friend or romantic interest ( I have anxiety so its a hard thing to do and I need to psych myself up for it) it barely ever works out and once again my effort was wasted. So I am here thinking about my plans for the summer, working out, trying to meet new people and getting my license ( I failed earlier this year after months of learning *I have adhd* ) and I wonder how am I supposed to muster up that effort to even have a chance at success?Every day for me is just finding different things to keep me entertained and its not like I am content doing nothing but to get out of that and live a better life I have to put in a ton of effort that is not even sure to pay off. I am mentally exhausted. I feel like I physically do not have the capacity to fight and persevere through stress anymore. Its just too much effort.",Depression +11064,"I never thought about taking my own life before, recently I am starting to think death may be the best way out of my situation.it is not like I want to do it, but I want it to happen. I want to be dead and leave all this bullshit behind.I have gotten myself into a life that I do not want or love, to get out of whatever I am in will cost me a lot (financially, socially, mentally) and death seems a better option at this moment. Started to have thoughts about death recently",Suicidal +11065,it is been manageable today but now it is awful and I do not know anymore My head's hurts so bad,Suicidal +11066,"I apologize if this is not the right subreddit, but this place made the most sense. My depression and anxiety have been changing over the past few months and my current mix of meds is no longer helping me. I have a med check in two weeks to discuss a change. I occasionally use weed to relax on my days off but my psychiatrist is extremely anti-weed. Every time I bring up that I use it he shuts me down telling me to stop and that it is unsafe. I am not going to give up weed right now, it is not harming my wellbeing currently. When changing meds I want to be realistic about my current health and weed should be in that conversation. Has anyone else had experience with a psychiatrist like this? How did you navigate it? Unfortunately I do not have access to other psychiatrist options in my region. Thanks! Unsure of how to navigate my med check",Depression +11067,Is anyone else trying to rebound? I am thinking I am facing an end-of-life scenario. there is nothing left I want to do alone and I have failed to meet anyone new. All my old friends are gone. Next 12 months look like the end of the road. A deadend. everyone is plans for the next 12 months?,Depression +11068,My lifes only purpose seems to be to work to give into buying stupid pointless crap and giving away all my love to anyone?I feel so empty like what is the point I feel like no one wants to hear me anymore,Suicidal +11069,it does not matter if i mess up. its ok if i fail. because its all going to end in a few years if i can hold on for that long. nothing will matter then and i can live happily now without worrying about the longterm consequences it brings me comfort to know I am going to kill myself in the future,Suicidal +11070,"original post: surrogate dad and I have a self-deprcating sense of humor. I remembered some joke he made the other night. I was walking by the railroad, and then I laughed about how fucked I am. Do you ever just laugh and then start crying at how fucked you really are? I called and told him I was going to kill myself. He told me he was coming to take me home for good, far from my biological parents. I am in my 20s with college and three jobs.Maybe there is a reason to believe you will be okay. [update] killing myself by railroad, it is not going to be today.",Suicidal +11071,So this question is for people who had a failed suicide attempt. What methods you chose and what are your experiences? What suicide methods have you tried?,Suicidal +11072,"So, let me take you back to 1989. I had made a pretty bad decision in joining the USAF, as I ended up as an SP (Security Police, pretty much a patrolman), did not realize my ADHD was still there and only controlled by a lot of caffeine, and depression had been lurking in the background. I was stationed in the UK, and was pretty much miserable. My Sergeant was a full-on asshole, as were his two subordinates. Things came to a head one night while I was guarding an ammo depot. I am sitting in the shack, trying to read through a manual to help me be a better cop (as it was), and that darkness hit me hard. As a Law Enforcement person, I was issued a service revolver. Before I realized it, I had it in my hand, and was putting the barrel in my mouth. I could not feel anything but emptiness and no reason to keep living. Cocking the hammer back, I sat there, and mentally asked for a reason - ANY reason - to not pull the trigger. At that moment, the faces of my family and friends flashed in my head. I realized that killing myself was not going to end my pain; it would create pain to those I cared about. I took the sidearm from my mouth, eased the hammer back, and just broke down crying. I told my C.O. what happened, and was taken off duty and sent for therapy. Not long after, I was discharged (Honorable) and went home. It took me 32 years to finally open up and talk about that night, because I was so bothered that I had come so close to ending my life early. Sure, life has had its up and downs, but I am glad that I chose to live. It has given me an over-developed sense of self-preservation. Yes, I am still dealing with depression and seeing a therapist. There are days when it just feels like everything is shit, but I just push through. &#x200B;***\[MODS: I am hoping that this is within the rules. I just needed to get this posted to keep being able to talk about that moment. Please let me know if this is the wrong subreddit, and if there is one that would be more appropriate. Thank you.\]*** It took 32 years for me to open up about this...",Depression +11073,"i want to do something right in lifei am 176cm (5'8) and 65kg (143lbs)what type of rope do i need, how thick and how long? how to hang myself the right way?",Suicidal +11074,"Am I just overreacting that I have depression or not, I do not even care at this point Is it all just drama?",Depression +11075,I feel so alone in my life.It hurts me and breaks me down everyday. I feel like I have nothing to live for. I have no one. I am alone.I will never be loved or accepted by people. My mistakes will haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope people can see me for who I am and not my mistakes. I feel so numb and weak. I just want to call it quits. I cannot take it any more.,Depression +11076,"Can anybody tell me why I am alive? do not know what I am doing here.But I cannot even cast a cry, my eye will not even she would a tear.I eat and shit and drink and piss,feel like I have drown in the Abyss.But will I do that Suicide?No, for pain is my only Fear. No motivation to live, no motivation to die",Suicidal +11077,I am killing myself the church is fake Killing myself,Suicidal +11078,I do not want to live anymore.They said it is my fault.This is the best solution. They want me to do this. I do not want another tomorrow where I have to be filled with pain and regret.I will sleep and will not wake up. it is my fault,Suicidal +11079,"I feel terrible here, I am tired of telling myself that i could make it because inside i know I am lying. But i feel so bad about if i did suicide, my friends and family will live in guilt all their life thinking they could have saved me somehow. Although i do not think no one can save someone. I feel terrible atm. What should i do to resist rn. Is ending our own life is selfish?",Depression +11080,I just need to know that it works. We will see. Next Thursday we will find out. I have a date and a plan,Suicidal +11081,"I am old than most posting on this sub. Things do not get better. Sorry, wish I had better news. It does not get better.",Depression +11082,"Just like the title says. My past predicts my future. I have to say that I am drunk but I am being totally honest that my past problems are going to be my future problems. My family is very dysfunctional and I have no ability to *keep* friends. I can make friends but they always leave. I have DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder due to childhood trauma and I think that is why they leave. So I am left alone. I will not have another boyfriend, I will not have children (I am 40), I do not want to live anymore if I cannot get married and have children and will not have friends. What is the point???? I will be alone like I am now. I think I have the right to end my life early if I feel like it. I feel like I am thinking logically. My past predicts my future right?",Suicidal +11083,"Honestly it feels like I am living a hell that was created for me. My father was negligent and never bothered to spend time with me, blaming it on the fact that I looked unapproachable. To this day he still owes my mother 8k in child support. My mother was abused and so, i too was abused both physically and mentally. I remember that when i was young, i did not want to shower because i did not want to get my hair wet, her solution was to put me at risk for hypothermia by keeping in a shower with freezing water. And honestly, to this day I never got over it. I never got over the fact that she never made time for me, meaning that I had to raise myself since I was 10 years old. I never got over her tantrums. Wherever I set her off, she would threaten to knock all of my teeth out. I finally moved out after a really shitty fight that made me feel like that place was not home. The place that I am at now does not feel like home either. I have 3 roommates and the two guys that I live with are such a hassle. The first one will not pick up after their dog and there is always a mess of fur everywhere. He will not even pick up after his dog's poop from outside. The second person believes that if he does not talk about his problems, they will go away eventually. they have resorted to calling me childish and immature because I get frustrated that they cannot pick up after themselves. They do not clean, put their dishes in the dishwasher, cook, etc. Even leaving the lights on all night knowing that it will raise the electrical bill. I honestly feel like maybe I am the one that is causing the problems. I am the one that just does not understand the people around me. But I just do not feel like I can right now. My mom uses me as a punching bag because her mother is passing away, my other grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago (whom I was much closer to), having to move out, trying to locate my first job, and having to deal with my own constant thoughts...I just cannot anymore. I am trying so hard to give myself a reason to still be here because I want to live most of all. I want to fail in love. I want to grow old. But most of all, I want to try new foods and see so many new things. If I left then I would never get to finish reading my webcomics. I would never get to listen to songs from Colliding with Mars and Unlike Pluto. I would never get to finish any of my favorite games. And I am still here because I recognize that my pain would just transfer over to my family. Just the thought of it all being over, it sounds like such a blissful idea. It makes me feel like I will finally be at peace.I would not have to cry anymore. I would not have to feel hopeless. I would not have to suffer. I finally would not feel so lonely. And I would not have to deal with the fact that I am emotionally fucked up. I wish that I knew how I can make things better. I want things to change but I do not know how or where to start. Because if I have to hold on, I know that sooner or later, I will let go. And when I do, there is no turning back. Every day feels like a burden",Suicidal +11084,I am currently going thru probably one of the worst depressive episodes of my life and i just feel like all my friends r getting sick of me being sad all the time and r in general tired of my bs and that i should just ghost everyone in my life so I am not a burden to them. i feel like everyone is sick of my bs,Depression +11085,"i do not think I am the only one who feels this way. I am about to enter college soon and i just kept thinking of life after graduation. ill most likely be working a 9 to 5 office job, if i get a job at all. waking up, travelling to work, work, lunch, back to work, going home, sleep and repeat. five days a week for the rest of your life. what is the meaning in that? i cannot see it. my friends cannot understand me because they have goals, aspirations, but i do not. i cannot think of anything or anyone i want to work hard for. it makes me feel so hopeless. thinking about the long life ahead of me and feeling like life is meaningless.",Depression +11086,"I have decided that I want to fiercely fight off my depression, anxiety and lurking suicidal thoughts. That is the path that I chose. I frankly will be not visiting this subreddit anymore. Wish me luck as I face this sad world until I meet my deathbed. C'est la vie! Goodbye to all r/SuicideWatch members.",Suicidal +11087,"Why is it so hard to find someone to talk to these days? I mean IRL, not online. Feeling lonely",Depression +11088,"Honestly, I love my family and everything about them, but sometimes they make me feel so bad about myself that I want to kill myself. I feel really bad sometimes. I know it is silly to say this, but there are times when I really cannot stand it.Do I just want to die? If I try to kill myself again, maybe this time I will see how much I am hurting. I am desperate for someone to see me, to care about me, to know my pain. But no one cares, right? Shall i go?",Suicidal +11089,"Hello i am a guy from iran 190 cm 90 kg almost 18 years old. i love bodybuilding ,I am lifting for a few years I have lost a lot of weight during this years and gained a lot of strength and muscle .I am almost finished with the school.when i get my diploma i can go for police university so i can get rid of this place.I had quite a tough life my mother left me when i was in second grade and divorced my father when they took him to madhouse . and she rejected me Everytime i tried to get near her.my father is the most unlikely person in my life.he always has been a drug addict,a psycho even before he was a bad person that argues to all the people. I live in the same house but in a room other side of the yard a room away from them alone, i do not really see them,i cook my food wash my clothes dishes and .. my grandpa lives somewhere else he has another family now he gives me some money i can buy clothes food and some small things.i have tried being a Waiter in a restaurant for a month but the owner was a jerk and i was too much hurt to take that stress and disrespect after working 12 hours a day coming and going with a bike on the rain .i was holding the pain maybe it gets better but i had enough so i just quit I have lived with my grandpa my whole life.he protected me from my abuser father .like he did whatever parents do for their child.he is 66 years old and hes my only supporter , he has his own dark sides that I am not going to talk about it.he has done a lot for me but hes not perfect. My family is a really fckd up one. Because of that i do not really have any relationships with them because they are super negative and toxic.we are not rich actually below average as you could have guess.I have depression for a long time and it has killed me inside for a long time. anxiety ,social anxiety , lack of confidence , self harm secretly failed suicide attempt are some unfortunate experiences that i had . When i was in middle school i was in a wild school and i got bullied for 2 years I locked myself in the room for year's and gained a lot of weight depression makes me to look for a distraction, like wasting my time on the internet and being addicted to masturbation.I am a virgin i do not have any friends so I am always lonely and broke like i just have a bike even kids are riding motorcycles. So i do not even try to have a relationship with someone because it looks impossible. And humiliatingI feel like with all that I am going through that i say more and more and more and more but i just want to be happy, i just want some friends to hangout with, i just want to be with a girl i just want to be somebody that is not awkward and embarrassed for everythingI feel like I am not suicidal anymore because i have tried a lot and climbed huge rocks to make myself better than before. but still I am depressed lonely and broke that no one loves Thank you if you are reading this pls do not judge meI have nothing to be violated as you can seeIm not that negative right now i just want friends and a relationship.Excuse me for bad English i just learned it with movie and YouTubePls give me tips thank you Hello i have so much more than depression but I am being positive and i want your tips for my loneliness",Depression +11090,I hate the fact that I think of killing myself almost everyday. I do not want to die but at the same time I feel like I am too fucked up to keep breathing. I am un-fixable. Therapy does not work. Sex does not work. Substances does not work. What do I do now? Just forget about it. I cannot. I may stop myself today but god knows when I am going to have enough and just fade into darkness Back of my mind everyday,Suicidal +11091,"Do you actually have to go through with it and fail? Or does it count if you never actually got to go through with it for itger reasons.For example, if you tried to hang yourself but could not do it because you could not climb the tree. Would that be an attempt or not since you never actually ""failed"" and you did not actually hang yourself? What counts as a suicide attempt?",Suicidal +11092,"How can I say goodbye, when I feel like I have already been dead for so long?One of my best friends passed away a couple of years ago, and I think that is when I started slipping away.My family basically raised me with the goal of being married/having children. That would apparently make my life worthwhile.I had a partner for years who was my everything. Things clicked. I felt safe, I felt at home but then shit hit the fan. I had a new career opportunity that caused so much driving I became more depressed/anxious/suicidal.I had two major surgeries, and I found out through them that I am basically infertile I cannot have my own children.I pushed everyone away it was easier to teach them to live without me than to deal with this stronger heartache as it came.I could not handle knowing that my partner might be the one to find me.As someone posted here before, I am still alive but everyone is moved on from my existence. A little note",Suicidal +11093,"Sometimes I think it would be better if I did not exist. All traces of my existence erased, nobody would suffer or remember me. That would be perfect, bc I do not want to die (or live either) or feel pain but I want to take the weight of living off my back peacefully. Life is not worth all the sadness I feel when I start thinking about how I am miserable. There are times where I am feeling good and think ""Life is good, after all. I want to live like this a little longer, I want to live"", but this happiness does not last forever and I start overthinking againI also feel guilty for not wanting to live bc my family is wonderful and I have everything I want. I do not think I have the right to be sad about my life bc I definitively could be worse. I live normally, I am not really sad or gloomy most of my days, it is just that I am tired and empty. I go to a good school, but now I hate studying, I do not want to study more in college and I do not want to work after that, but I will do it because I have to. If I am going to be forced by life to choose what to do for the rest of it, then so be it. I do not have a career I would like to follow, so I will just pick the one I hate least. Whatever, I am just a lazy mf that does not want to deal with hardshipsI'm young so maybe I will feel better someday. Perhaps one day I will laugh at how I was stupid as a teenager that complained about everything and acted like they were depressed, but until then I will just keep living i guess I am tired of life but I do not want to die",Depression +11094,everyone just hate me. life is pointless. I want to die,Depression +11095,Tfw it is 5pm and you still have not got out of bed. TFW,Depression +11096,I have been thinking I am a complete waist of space lately cannot find a job that pays well I have no prospects at all. I do not want to just be another cog in the machine. Am tired of this world and its inequality. I cannot make ends meet debt just keeps mounting up I have to juggle what bills to pay from one month to the next. Am 32 and if I have got another 40 years of this shit to put up with I do not want it. I was also just hanging on from having a mental breakdown so I went and done a long distance walk. I came back and slowly started to become depressed again. I met a woman and even tho I only seen her for 4 weeks I loved her from the moment I saw her dove right in feet first. Total fool that I Am. we had the smallest of fallouts and I have been given a two week break to better myself. But all its done is bring everything I previously thought about myself to the surface again. So the doctor prescribed me Prozac. I really thought it would stop me crying and feeling sorry for myself. But I have reached a point today I have started looking for the best way to end it. How the hell I still feel anything after starting these tablets is beyond me I literally cannot stop crying and am on Prozac I thought this would have numbed my feelings but I have cried since Sunday last week.,Suicidal +11097,thank you for making me feel like the worst person ever. GO FUCK YOURSELF I want to end me,Suicidal +11098,I wish it upon noone. Depression is a sick curse.,Suicidal +11099,I found the pills I can use. I order them with express shipping so they will be here tomorrow morning. If I am being honest I am scared but I am also kind of excited. I found them.,Suicidal +11100,"Hello everyone! I just want to put a disclaimer that I am poor right now and I cannot afford therapy or even just the medicine alone.I grew out of wedlock and after a year of marriage, they had annulled their marriage because divorce is impossible here. I am barely hanging on a thread right now despite being currently semi-stable. So, I grew up to be extremely neglected by my parents, having no emotional support and it was really tough because I could not cry in front of my mom as it was considered weak. I would like to say that we are decently close because I came out as gay to her and my family included, but she is not really the type to give any emotional affection especially now that I am older. I have not heard any *I love you*s from both of my parents and they cannot tell me directly how they are feeling and that I have the same situation. We do not communicate at all and I am already 18 so I do not absolutely know what it is like to be loved through affirmations and physical affection. Currently, both of them have their own separate families and I am staying with my mom, but of course, I am living near poverty. It sucks because I have not really felt what family is nor do I feel belonged because most of the time it is forced interactions. My father messaged me that he was sorry, but he is not really because he just happened to know what was happening to me. If he was sorry, then he would have been at the start. there is too many information I could say, but know that I was emotionally neglected by both of my parents because they were too busy, too selfish, and too complacent.Anyway, I just wanted to know if it is normal to feel and say to myself these words while growing up: **I want to die**? It probably started on elementary when I was constantly bullied both physically and emotionally by my classmates and I remember trying to open up to my mother. I downplayed every problem I faced to my mom because she would often say how she is filled with problems, so naturally I had to talk to her in a non-worrying and non-stressful manner. She said to just be strong and fight back, and I did. For many years, I pointed a knife on my chest and wanted to stab myself with it many times at that age. But, I eventually moved on from that because I stood up for myself. It did lessen, but to my female classmate, it got worse.Moving on to 7th grade, I transferred and of course I was again on the center of ridicule with somehow showcasing slightly feminine behaviors. It was stupid, but I was made fun of, though I ignored it because I was better than them. I was intelligent; I was better than most of the kids at my age, however, I knew that I was going to be ridiculed always and such thoughts came back.Moving on to 8th grade where I transferred again because we moved places again, I was in a new environment. A more competitive environment whose friend groups and cliques have already formed and stabilized. I was basically an outcast in a block section of 40 students. I was terrified of crowds, I would often get nervous when conversing to other people, but that was fixed by myself when I joined ROTC for high school. Anyway, with me being an outcast and people avoiding me because they already have their own friends and also me having a quirky personality, I often spent my time alone or trying my best to sit with others. Since, I felt so deprived of friendship and bonds, I subconsciously wrote ""I want to die"" again in a piece of paper because that is what I felt and I never talked about it to my mother, even up until now.9th grade came and I was raped by my uncle. I was scared and scarred, mainly because I thought I was going to contract any virus. I attempted to ask help from my mom, but I downplayed it again to just a dream and mentioned it was vague. I was afraid of putting someone in jail, afraid of what others will think of me, and afraid of what will happen in the future. Up to this day, I am still frightened by the thought and image of him, but I already have moved on from the nightmare. I cried many nights because I still did not have any close friends and I was always called weird. 10th grade was a bit better and more tolerable and I ranked 2nd on the whole batch. This was the time, before I transferred again to 11th grade, I hooked up with someone from Grindr. It was mainly a one-time thing, but then when I reached 11th grade and moved to a more-populated area, I found myself using that app many times to seek comfort, connections, and distractions to my problems. This was the time I recognized my mental health was worsening even more. I attempted to jump off a building twice, but failed. First was I talked myself out of it and the second was I slipped backwards and broke down. Or so I like to tell myself. I made those two scenarios up because that would at least have a more viable scenario for my situation. Truth is, I am scared of pain and being shouted to at. I fear being left out when people come in my life. It is what it is, but I am damaged. I mentioned to my mom I was suicidal, but she also said that she is suicidal and I should deal with my thing.12th grade and graduation came and until now, I realized a lot of things. I know who to blame for damaging and scarring me and I have been trying my best to cope. Again, there were so many scares that I dealt with HIV-scare (I am negative), but when you gain enlightenment, it is just dragging you even more down to the abyss. All the nights I cried and had panic attacks, all the unnecessary self-hate by hooking up and trying to OD myself, and all the negative suicidal thoughts in my head right now are all present in my head clashing.Right now, death is the closest comfort I have because I cannot handle these emotions and thoughts anymore. I feel suffocated, trapped in my own hell. I do not want to be abandoned; I want to be loved and to be hugged, and be said that I matter to the people I care and think about. I think I might just take my life sooner or later. I made a promise to myself to kill myself in two years if I do not find a constant source of happiness and I feel as if things are being faster and now I just want to remove the mountain on my back and finally feel peace through death. I just want to be loved, but it seems comfort and eternal peace is my only option right now. I do not want to be invalidated that those are not my options because (1) I am poor, (2) my parents and I do not communicate about our feelings and experiences, and (3) death is a permanent solution to my permanent problems. I have been suicidal since I was really young",Suicidal +11101,I am scared of myself lol no joke not even being funny that would be cringe to me tbh. But I literally just bully myself unconsciously lol. Just stop man abhhhhh Hahahelp,Depression +11102,I often find myself wishing they were If guns were accessible I think I would have shot myself,Depression +11103,Nothing really helps anymore. I do not know Fuck it,Suicidal +11104,"I am 17 (m) and I feel like my brain is dying. I struggle to remember anything and it feels like I cannot even think properly, like fog has taken over my brain. Every day feels the same and nothing seems to get better no matter how hard I try. That last 6 months I have been trying so fucking hard to do everything right, I have got myself a job, been actively spending time with friends and gotten myself into shape but I still feel as bad as I did before. People say your childhood & school years are best part of my life but I have been depressed ever since I can remember. I just do not know what to do anymore, nothing that used to bring me happiness does anymore. I Feel So Cold",Depression +11105,"Everything about my life that can go wrong is going wrong. I cannot have a moment of peace without dark thoughts clouding and I.I do not even know what to rant, the only thing keeping me alive is knowing that my family will be devastated without me. I do not want to blame anyone but me. I really really need someone to tell me its going to be okay and they are going to have my back but I cannot ask anybody. I cannot keep smiling in front of my mom as if everything is alright. Hope god had given us an easy way out of this world. I am not looking for any kind of help here, I do not even know why I wrote this. I survived 1 year since my last post. But I do not think I can anymore.",Suicidal +11106,I cannot do it anymore please help me I want to kill myself,Depression +11107,"I moved states with my fianc and we both got amazing jobs to start off, so you would think that I would be happy. My parents are supporting us and helping us until were 100% settled in, I have really amazing & caring parents so you would think that would help. All I do is cry and have anxiety attacks before leaving the house and everything is so much harder right now. I do not want to do this anymore, I am so tired of fighting for happiness. I thought everything would get better",Suicidal +11108,"To make a long story short; I grew up in an Arab household. Crying or expressing emotions as a man was not appropriate and would be seen as a weakness and emasculate you. I picked up on that quiet early as I once cried as a kid around 7 ish years and got in trouble for doing that. Ever since I have never cried in front of my family. Sadly it caught on fast and I cannot cry even when I am extremely sad. I am often so depressed and just want to cry it all out and feel better afterwards, but I just cannot cry. And to add on top of that, I am in a long committed relationship and my girlfriend [F22] easily cry when she is upset or sad which makes it harder for her to understand me being sad or depressed as I do not express it by crying Anyone else not able to cry and how to get those feelings out??td;lr Depressed but can never cry. Growing up I always got shamed for showing emotions and crying which made me eliminate those. [M23] Anyone not able to cry? Servere depression through 7+ years.",Depression +11109,I do not feel good. Just hating myself even more. Hope it is as easy as pulling the trigger... Wish a handgun was on my table right now...,Suicidal +11110,"I cut off all contact with my friends for about a year and none of them checked on me. Nobody called or texted. If it was not for one of them who suddenly thought they had not talked to me in 9 months, none of my friends would have even reached out as a courtesy to ask how I am. I do not matter to anyone in the world except for my parents and sister and it is kind of a daunting realisation. I could have died a year ago and none of my friends would know or care",Suicidal +11111,"A few years ago I have been diagnosed with Autism. I have difficulties adapting to my environment. Since the Corona happening I have been forced to adapt to the way things are (remote school, not being able to do the things that made me happy). I have not had an easy time. The fact that the things that kept me busy were not possible anymore gave me time to think. I realised I would never really matter in this world. I would just sit behind my piano for hours and hours straight. My thoughts overwhelmed me, I would just let them come, and let them go. I think the whole world is going through the same. I have a hard time accepting that it may be harder for me because adapting just takes a lot of energy.I have played with the idea of killing myself. Whenever I have these thoughts I would listen to beatles and that made me feel a little bit better.I did not really reach out to my parents or psychiatrist. I think I was afraid of bothering others. One day I just could not anymore. I told my psychiatrist and she said I should tell my parents. I did a few months ago. I get medicine to sleep, and am working on my lifestyle but still have 'bad thoughts' very often I do not feel that people in my environment really understand what is going through my mind, and was hoping someone could give me a little bit of advice. Thank you. Having difficulties coping with bad thoughts.",Depression +11112,"Suicide rap-All this pain and agony, every day is like its raining tragedies, my brain has had it you see, bc I am angry and mad at me, my view of this would is its lame and sad with savagery, I am tired of putting on a fake face and acting happy, so I am real with how I feel, so I am no longer wearing a mask, and now you do not want to chill and wrap with me, bc I am insane, crazy, and a psychopath you say to me,Well I say money is the root of all evil, so even though you need it to survive , you got to decide , not to be stupid people, For me its hard to be positive and optimistic, when there is nothing but negatives, and obvious impossible obstacles in my vision, so I am pessimistic, and suicide seem like the only solution that is logical, so should I slit this wrist, blow my brains out with this heat on my grill, or OD with these handfuls of pills? Either way my death still will be, me self killed bc of the guilt that made me hate me Another one..",Suicidal +11113,CORRUPT CORRUPT IF I do not POST ON THIS REDDIT Within a hour they have took me FUCK FUCK WEST MIDLANDS POLICE CORRUPTION,Suicidal +11114,"(18F) Alright this shit is not funny anymore . I am getting tired & IRRITATED. I just want to be happy dude. that is the only thing I have ever wanted. Idc what it takes at this point. Its not fucking fair. I wish I was normal. I wish i was not so weird or awkward. I wish I could make friends & maintain relationships. I wish I had friends to go out with. I wish I had a support system. I wish my parents loved me and did not look at me like a disappointment. I wish I did not drop out of college. I wish I did not push everyone away because of how much I hate myself. I feel disgusting. I do not even know who I am! I do not have any fucking interests, nothing excites me. I have tried positive affirmations and CBT methods on my own and nothing works. All of the negative things I have heard from my childhood stick to me. I 100% believe I am worthless and unlovable. I hate feeling this way. I want to wake up one morning and not feel dread. I want to wake up hopeful, optimistic, and experience the feeling of truly loving my life.I do not think I ever will. And none of you give me hope because everyone in this sub says it does not get better ..well god I am ready whenever you are. I hope you got a good laugh from playing tf outta my life. *Typed this while crying in my car on my lunch break because I feel like a loserrrr & I got a speeding ticket because I speed when I am mad so that is great*My coworker told me they rarely get sad, never been depressed, & never wanted to kill themselves ever. MUST BE FUCKING NICE HA! Sick Fucking Joke",Depression +11115,"False allegations from old friends who hate me because I got somebody we used to hang around with arrested to protect my nephew who he threatened to hurt now like if you read my other post I am under investigation undercover police are watching me I speak to much and have incriminated myself idk how long I am going away for but I need a way out my suicide attempt was took out of context and now the police are watching me I know I am wanted but I further incriminated myself by letting the carers know why I am feeling like this now I am and trying to explain myself and get help now I am going away for a long time they took my pictures I have been drawing and are trying to pin me for things I did not do I know this is my word against 10+ people but I just want to die I cannot defend myself my autism effects my speech so anything I say they manipulate it I need help any advice from people in the uk I have no money they have all my things if I run away to try kill myself they will think I am running from the police but no I just want to die and its made me look guilty idk what to do I have nothing no friends people always bullied me and tried to ruin my life and now they have successfully done it ,NOT USING MY AUTISM AS AN EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING I have DONE BUT I OVER EXPLAIN THINGS AND ITS INCRIMINATED ME I am JUST WAITING AROUND TO BE ARRESTED HELP ME IF I GET TOOK INTO CUSTODY THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THESE ALLEGATIONS HAVE LINKS TO POLICE/FAMILY MEMBERS in the force SO I am FUCKED THE CORRUPT SYSTEM ARE TAKING ME AWAY I am SCARED Wish I could end it all",Suicidal +11116,"If I died then my cat would be sad and would wonder why I had left himIf I died then my girlfriend would probably follow meIf I died then I would never get to prove my mom wrong about me wasting my lifeIf I died then I would be letting every sick bastard who ever hurt me winIf I died then...I would be free, I would not have to worry about any of the people I am leaving behind because I would be dead, I would never have to deal with my mom ever again, I would never have to deal with all the terrible flashbacks and nightmares and all the fucking fun stuff that comes along with heaps of trauma, I would never have to have another episode like last night where I literally want to tear my flesh off of myself, I would never have to hate myself for being a shitty boyfriend and friend ever again, I would never have to feel guilty for being a bad dad to my cat, I would not have to figure out this identity crisis I am having, or my gender, or what I want to do with my life, or anything at all.I could just slip away peacefully, I could apologize to everyone I have ever hurt for all my mistakes, tell them all how much I love them and how much they made staying worth it, then I could just go. I could end this infernal fucking suffering. They would not want me to be in pain, right? they would want me to be happy. They would all understand why I left. &#x200B;I just do not want to hurt anyone. I do not want anyone to hurt like I hurt. &#x200B;I need to stop hurting. I do not have a reason to live, even though I have so many.",Suicidal +11117,"Friends or family, nothing.Kind of feels pointless. Whenever I see someone else share something, they get some kind of response. I do not feel like it is a one off thing either. it is pretty consistent, and demotivating me to share anything anymore.Idk. Maybe I am overthinking this. I am at a point where when I share memes, I do not get any sort of reaction and it actually hurts a bit.",Depression +11118,"Whether you suffer from daily depression or get bouts of depressed feelings dealing with a lot of things going on in your head, its important to remember you are not alone and that others feel your pain and care for you.Just Speak UpYou're Not Alone you are Not Alone",Depression +11119,"Please do not blame me or anyone else. In fact, I was unbelievably lucky to make it this far. My parents are and always were caring. My brother and sister have always wanted the best for me. I just have a malfunctioning brain that makes me unhappy all the time. Even when I am happy, it means that I am about to do something terribly irresponsible and stupid that will hurt those close to me. The best thing I can do for everyone involved is to bow out now. To those who say this is a selfish move, you will be over it in a couple of weeks, but you would rather condemn me to a lifetime of misery. Id just like to send a big Fuck you to those guys ;)In case you are interested, I am still in love with Tessa from high school, and a girl called Bara who I met at a drumming circle this summer. AnonymousPS to my daughters Abbey & Zoey: I can never do this because of you. I love you too much and do not want you to feel like this would be your fault. Of course its not, but people tend to blame themselves. So I guess I am sticking around. I love you Abs <3 & Zo <3 I decided to (not) end my life today.",Suicidal +11120,"All of a sudden my dog (9 yrs, who was a part of our family since he was just 28 days) was diagnosed with acute kidney failure.We took him to 2 vets just to be sure the results are accurate or not and we found the same. They told he has not many days to live. I am already on the verge of depression I really do not know how would I manage myself when he passes away. Especially when I know I only have few hours or a day with him On the verge of depression",Depression +11121,I have decided on the date of my suicide. I already have things organized but i had this sudden thought. Is it really worth the trouble of killing myself over this torturous everyday mundane life? What will happen i decided to live? What will happen after i die? Will there be more opportunities? Will things get better if i do not die? Contemplating Life,Suicidal +11122,"If you know someone who is depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression is not a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they are going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. Its hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.Ashley Say No To Depression",Depression +11123,Pls just tell me and stop giving me suicide hotlines Any painless suicide methods?,Depression +11124,"How do I cut off everyone and disappear? Broke, cannot work, lonely, and want to die atm. Tried therapy. Had a job. could not keep it up. Want to die. Help me die. Fuck you platitudes. Thanks. Best way to disappear?",Suicidal +11125,"I do not want help or anything, I just want to put this somewhere. I genuinely hate myself inside and out. I want to end it all and just be done I hate myself but I am scared to die.",Suicidal +11126,"My mother mocks me (especially in arguments) about my suicidal tendencies. I am sick of it and she is really pushing me.Recently we had an argument about my bedroom and how it is filthy, though I have been having trouble cleaning it because I have NO motivation and NO willpower. She does not understands and it is horrible. I also try to establish that it is ""My safe place"" but she barges in and either gets up at me or something. she is been supportive somewhat she is been a mother but she is just plain horrible when it comes to what I am going through. My mother mocks me",Suicidal +11127,"My whole life is a mess, could not communicate with friends properly, low test score, family always dissapointed with my performance in literally every activities and i think they are right! could not tie my shoes properly, do not know how to cook, to use basic computer functions. I already tried suicide back in 2020 by stuffing my head inside a plastic back and sleep in it but it did not work. I am worthless as fuck, I have bothered my friends,family,teachers life for a long time. DUMB FUCK!",Depression +11128,I have experienced some bad shit and now I cannot get it out of my head especially because of my own thoughts ugh. I wish I could erase my brain. I have had disturbing sexual thoughts all my life,Depression +11129,"Sorry depression happening to me is not something come and go like clouds... It is like you are the sky but there are always black cloud and it waiting to rain down for days after raining, the black cloud is still there it just waiting for another day to rain down... I am not choose to be depressed for no reasons, i suffering from loneliness, bad past events, and my main reason of being depressed is even though i know the reality of love turn into hatred, people come and go, bad days and good days. whatever i love hurt me or disappointed me, whenever i keep telling myself about stay positive and it does not actually goes the way i was expected, i feel lost as a human being, i feel emotional hole, i feel empty, i want love but I am afraid of being hurts and abandoned, i want to have friends come over and hang out but all of the previous and present friendship is collapsing because of my personality and at this point i keep doubting myself all the time what did i do wrong? Some people are luck they do not need to work hard enough, and imagine you working hard and still unlucky... It just feel like whatever i want to change something unhappy in my life turn out to be a worsening than the doing absolute nothing. Now tell me not to depressed how? How do i stop depressed about all these bullshits experience it was not pleasant at all please teach me how to stop being depressed. because I really do not want to. Imagine someone tell you that depression is just like cloud it comes and goes..",Depression +11130,it is not even emotional at this point. it is so goddamn irritating. Why tf do I hv to live. I do not want to avail the services that life offers and I do not want the companionship of others as well. I just want to be dead and done with it. it is better now than later. there will be less collateral damage. I am just trynna off myself and EVERY SINGLE one is trying to stop me. I am already tired enough PLEASE do not go against me more. I would prefer if you did nothing instead of anything. Anyway that is the end of my rant. w h y ?,Suicidal +11131,"A combination of fish oil and antidepressants reduced the amount of suicidal thoughts that I experience. However I still doubt than keeping alive is the best course of action. Since 2015 I am battling mental illness, and it is an uphill battle to experience so much apathy and abulia/avolition.I feel like a vegetable, I eat because my mom prepares me food, otherwise I do not know if I would eat. I am 37 and I used to be healthy. I have known the good life, and this is not it. My life seems complete at this point, and why not to go already?Getting older like this seems like a burden. I just hope to save up at least 10k EUR for euthanasia in Switzerland, just in case. Sometimes I try to come up with reasons to stay alive, but I do not enjoy being alive any longer, each day is like a grind, and I wonder what to keep living for.On the other hand, I am still fascinated that I am alive. Like, it is very weird to be able to exist, and have a body, and talk with other beings over internet... Less suicidal thoughts. Death still sounds blissful",Suicidal +11132,Depression is the disease that no matter how perfect your life is you will find a reason to die. Depression is a disease,Suicidal +11133,"I do not want anyone to care about me, I do not want to do anything with my life, I do not want to do anything. I just want to sit with my cat, eat, and rot on my couch or bed. I hate it when people ask me how I am, I hate showering, I hate doing anything that is not eating, gaming, or watching tv. I hate going outside, I hate talking to people. I am autistic too, making socializing and understanding people even MORE difficult. I fucking hate it when I hear people saying that being autistic or depressed is a gift. NO IT is not. if I could be anything I would be ducking neurotypical. I literally cannot understand people, and makes life SO HARD. All my friends end up leaving me too, and making friends is even harder than keeping friends. I physically cannot talk about anything that does not interest me. I do not want help, I just want to be left alone. Just want to be left alone",Depression +11134,"I am a 19 years old girl and I have been suffering depression since I am 16, with ups and downs. Every time with psychiatrist and psychologist help. This year have been a roller coaster , literally, my mom has thought I have bipolar disorder. I watched Euphoria last year and the main character portraits bipolar disorder(specially the chapter 7) , and it made me feel relatable, even being not diagnosed.I have been obsessed with romanticizing my illness, I have been watching and reading The Virgin Suicides and now is my favorite book/movie. Almost my whole teenage years I have been obsessed with date apps and omeagle kind of stuff, attention from males have been a source of happiness.This year I have feel vulnerable, since I am not in high school I feel like I am In a risk, alone and depressed (maybe bipolar). I have made a lot of impulsive decisions, the ones that cost a lot of money and my mental health. I am afraid too, my grandma kill herself when she was about 41, she had endogenous depression. I am scared, I question myself, does I have other diagnostic? Does people like me have a future? I am afraid",Depression +11135,"Hi there. it is been really hard for me lately. I feel like i have no chance of ever being happy in our society. I used to have things that kept me pushing forwards, but it is been so long since I have experienced any of those that I no longer know how they feel, they no longer make me happy. I do not know what is keeping me going now. Maybe it is pure stubbornness? I guess if anyone has something to share, the reason why they will not ""do it"", please let me know. Cuz I just feel constant pain. What keeps you going?",Suicidal +11136,"if you are stuck in an abusive environment the best anyone can say is ""hang in there""they do not understand how it wears people thin. you cannot ""hang in there"" forever. it is not possible. and there is no solution. there is no way out. therapy is useless no path for abuse victims",Suicidal +11137,"I just feel like an idiot. I used to drive great but my dad kept saying that I ride slow and that everybody rides a little faster than allowed. I am autistic af so I took that litteraly. I have driving anxiety so I take the indoors route instead of the high way. So whenever someone behind me wants to be faster, I just drove faster. And now I got around 5 tickets and I am sure more are coming. The sad part is that I do not know how much but I only knew about it until it was too late. There are like 5 in total in a span of a two weeks and more are coming. I am not talking about speeding like 20 km an hour but 5 km an hour. I just feel so stupid and do not understand how I could be that stupid. I also work for the government and I just feel like a stupid person that does not know shit. Also my dad said I should buy a good car and my light broke and I also have to fix that. I just do not like the fact that it is going to rain tickets on me. I just want to die. Life is too hard for an autistic loser like me. Got 5 speeding tickets and more because I am an autistic stupid bitch",Suicidal +11138,going to be dead before I am 25. I am 19 now. So pretty soon Ill be forgotten I hope something happens to me,Depression +11139,"I never asked to feel like this, but I can accept that this is the best things were ever going to be for me. I have wanted to kill myself for such a long time that I cannot imagine a life without constantly thinking about it. Its been around since I was a little kid, and never left. I do not want or need empty promises that life changes. I can accept and find comfort in knowing I am going to die, and that I do not have to keep suffering for no reason at all. Why cannot anyone else? Why cannot people just accept this is how you want your life to end?",Suicidal +11140,"tw: suicidal thoughts and drug usea couple nights ago, i was on lsd just to have a bit of an exploration and have some fun. my trip was fine for the most part but towards the end of the night, I was just lying in bed, face down into my pillow, and my mind made me feel as if I was dying. it was as if i was given a choice to just pass away and in the (seemingly) final moments, i thought about loved ones and people who loved me and all the happy and good things i had going in life. despite the fact that i knew i had so much to live for, i chose to let go. i think i just went to sleep so i woke up a couple minutes after. instead of feeling relieved that i did not die, i was extremely overwhelmed by the fact that i had chosen to willingly let go, and also by the fact that i did not actually pass away. i just cried for awhile, for multiple reasons. i feel guilty for what happened but i also feel a range of other emotions. i know what i need to do (seek help again) and i wanted to tell my bf and close friends about this but i just could not bear the thought of worrying them about what happened so i came here to vent a bit. tldr; used lsd and confronted the severity of the suicidal thoughts periodically come and go need to vent a bit/hear some thoughts",Depression +11141,"I am a disease carrier and no one should suffer because of me. Even if I keep fighting, the guilt of living will slowly kill me. Also my body has suffered enough from the pain I endured throughout this year's. I could have probably tried harder but I am still proud with the effort I have given. And because of that I need to put this body to rest. Farewell I need to kill myself so everyone around me can live happily.",Suicidal +11142,Everything feels like its falling apart. And I have zero control over any of it. I do not know how to even begin fixing everything that is wrong. Its all so daunting and I feel like I will not be able to do it. I am trying so hard to be here for my SO. Seeing them everytime I wake up can sometimes make it all bearable. But I do not feel like I am strong enough to actually keep going. I have lost every ounce of faith in myself. I do not want to fucking be here anymore.,Suicidal +11143,"This is going to be a clusterfuck of words that will not make sense to the reader but I do not care, I just feel like nobody cares about if I die or not, everyone said they would always be there for me as if they would have even thought of saying otherwise, I feel like ending it all every day of my fucking life but I just cannot, I am too much of a coward to kill myself but want an easy way out of this hell hole that we call life, I am basically forced to go to school only to get bullied all fucking day, I go home and what a surprise my family still live like I do not fucking exist, I wish I could die but I just cannot bring myself to do it, I do not know if I really want to or if I am too much of a dumbass to think differently. I have no real friends only fake ones and I cannot get away from the real pain that is everything. Every day could be my last day, the day I finally give in and do it for real. Vent",Suicidal +11144,"Everything I do now, even to go seek happiness feels like its pointless because I know its more of a distraction in that time and then once its over I am right back to where I started. Feeling living is now pointless. 0 motivation to live. Ready to just go. Exhausting to say the least. I have all the means to go but maybe not the guts. Which makes you feel trapped in a meaningless existence where you are only doing things to stay alive so you do not upset others by your death. Who knows how long that mentality can carry though because it damn sure is not a recommended one. Pointless.",Suicidal +11145,"I feel like I have lost my humanity. I feel like an empty she will drifting through space and time, nothing more and nothing less. There is no soul, there is no me...what am I? Am I an amalgamation of chemical components working in unison to produce this thing we call consciousness, or am I something more? The more I live and the more I think, the more I know the former is true. We are chemical systems with an imperative to continue existing forever, every choice, every thought, every reaction was preprogrammed, free will does not exist.Every problem my thinking solves just causes further dilemma. Each dilemma deepens the existential dread. I yearn for love, but love does not exist. Love was a lie, love was a fairytale and a marketing scheme used to exploit the people. Love is a chemical reaction, another preprogrammed reaction that drives us to reproduce, to continue existing forever. No two people love each other forever, the feelings fade and time drives them apart. I have seen it countless times, so why do I expect any different? Why do I still dream? Why do I cling to a lie so urgently? Does this mean there is something more? I wonder, and then I realize there is not. I realize its the same reason I crave intimacy and connection, why we despise being alone, its more biological imperatives instilled within us to increase our chances of survival. We are social creatures, we evolved this way because it was the most effective strategy. I crave for that which I have never had, only because I was wired to crave it in the first place.I think about my estranged relationship with family, I think about how my father will soon die and all we will leave between us is painful memories and regret. I feel a slight sinking inside of me, just for a moment those old emotions rise within me, but just as quickly as they come, they go and again I am left with emptiness. I quickly remember that none of it matters, when he is gone it will be like I never existed in his perspective, for his perspective will seize to exist. The same will soon happen to me. The feelings fade because I remember they do not exist. I remember that they too are just chemical reactions firing off inside my brain. They mean nothing, the emotion is not real. It existed because it was imperative to my survival that I feel love for my parent, just as with every human life. Its funny how I wish I could go back to when I felt human, to when I felt alive. I miss feeling, I miss when life was still a mystery, to those days where I was not a jaded husk. I stared into the abyss and saw only blackness. Those painful days where you wish the pain would leave forever, you soon realize those days were still better than the days you thought you wanted. Careful what you wish for.I wonder, why does life want to live? Why does life fight so hard in a universe where all the odds are stacked against it, where the very intrinsic functions act to destroy it? why does it adapt and arrange itself in way to keep going? Well, maybe its because it does not know any better. Nothing matters, nothing is real",Suicidal +11146,"i cut my arm multiple times, nothing too deep just scratches but there is noticeable scars, how do I hide them? help with cuts",Suicidal +11147,Yesterday I made a post saying today I would kill myself well i put it off for 1 more day because I cleared out my room today gave away all my clothes other then a few that I will be wearing when I die. I never amounted to much so I do not have many possessions.I do not know what is happening because I have not eaten anything over the last 3 days other then water yet I am still not feeling hungry guess my body knows soon it is dying so it is shutting down everything I feel so scared but I do not have any choice i have nothing left to give I am weak and broken it hurts so much Does anyone in England have any drugs i could od on? It would make my method less painful please So one more day,Suicidal +11148,Why choose to live that long lmao losers. New respect for old people,Suicidal +11149,"i was reading a bunch of suicide bereavement, but i noticed that the one thing everyone mentions is how their daily routine is affected. how they do not see or talk to that person any more because they are gone.i do not have that kind of impact on any one. i do not have any kind of relevance. I am still alive but everyone is already moved on from my existence.and if they genuinely believe that ""Things will get better"" then there is no way that me killing myself will really harm them, right? things will just get better. everyone i know has already adjusted to a life without me",Suicidal +11150,i just want my life to be over. I do not want to keep suffering anymore. living this life is torture and i do not know how much more i can take. FUCK FUCK FUCK i want to die,Suicidal +11151,"I cannot stand this anymore. I am such a useless. Ppl around me do not want to know about my pain. They only want my grade or my performance. I do not know why I should exist in the toxic world, and I do not know why I have to live and why I should not leave now. I have ruined many things so I have to be punished. But no one seems to punish me so Ill punish myself. I do not even know why I am writing this rn.. It seems to be over",Suicidal +11152,"These past few years have been aggravating, and now I am just logged off of my social media, pretty much where anyone in real life, knows me in some way. ( No ones about my reddit account).I hate social media. All I see are a bunch of stupid posts. Post that think are funny to those people but they are obviously not to me. I get annoyed at everything. I hate small talk, so when someone, whether it is a random person or someone I know, say some stupid shit like ""hey"" or ""how are you"" I just want to throw my fucking phone out the window. I hate it. I hate talking to people. I was not always like this. I never really had friends (a bff, reliable, etc) in my life so I would be kind of open to try and make new friends, but everytime, something about it just makes not want to hang out with them or talk to, and it is not the introverted side talking, it is the annoyance of that person. Just when you think someone is okay, first impression, over a short period of time, I realize that these people are just not my type to talk to, hang out with, etc. I ghost them because I do not want to talk to, what I think are ""pathetic"" people. I have never told anyone about this kind of hatred except for here, so in their perspective, I am a ""chill"" person. I keep everything bottled up. EVERYTHING including grudges that I could remember since the day I learned to walk. No ones cares about me, no one pays attention to me. So out of the blue and without any thought, I am just logging out of my social media, hiding and deleting content. I hate looking and my class graduates having the time of their life. I hate how when I try to explain something to them, they do not get it or get the actual point of it.All I see is a bunch of stupid people. I know if these see what I typed here, they would think less of me. They already think I am a nobody. I was a nobody in high and I am a nobody now. I hate when people say ""If you need someone to talk to I am right here"" because that is what EVERYONE says. When i do manage to talk to someone, it is just stupid advise, stupid talk, surely they do not understand how I am feeling and what I am going through because they say some shit that does not even relate to it. there is not even a point in get some kind of ""therapy"" talking to someone because I think I am too stubborn to listen to so-called ""advice.""I have always been the quiet person, in school, at home, everywhere. So this post just seems more like a rant than a cry for help. It might be just the symptoms from the withdrawals I had from my antidepressants. I take 75mg of venlafaxine, and my pharmacy fucked up my prescription order so I have been off of them for a good few weeks. I finally got back on them about yesterday. it will take some time for me to calm down now, but when I am on this current medication, I still feel aggravated.My first meds were 10mg of Lexapro, then 20mg lex., then 10mg of Prozac, 37.5mg Effexor XR, now 75mg of Effexor.I am for this post. I am sorry for this stupid rant. Surely I am going to regret this later and feel embarrassed, but I just do not let anything out. I bottle up too much shit. it is hard to talk about stupid feelings and such. Ghosting my social media seems like a great start for me, I have hated it for many reasons.Sorry again. I am 21F. I hate just about everything. I am ghosting social media where people know me.",Depression +11153,"I ll fight as much as I can, a fight lost in the first place, but I know I will lose anyhoo its been a pleasure to be with nice people in this earth.love was real and it felt like a cold breezein the desertthen I found it was a miragenot the realitynow I will find realityin my dreamsrain wil reign....Peace out I am certainly at the end of the road but I promised someone I love, a special one...",Depression +11154,i do not know how to write this but i need advices or something like that. i thought i had conquered my bad thoughts on my own but they keep coming and coming. I am just a failure in life. at 21 i do not have a job and somehow i do not have the strength for it. I have only been sleeping for 2-3 hours at the most for days. i just do not have the strength any more. i do not have the nerve for my hobby any more because i know that i feel like a failure there. I have been having suicidal thoughts again for days. no one in my family notices that I am in a bad way and you can actually see that I am exhausted from life. i do not know how to describe it all because it is not easy for me. I am too weak for therapy on my own but I am afraid to talk to anyone about it. i can no longer :( need an advice or something,Depression +11155,"Because I do not know what is ok to want anymore. it is not ok for me to want romantic love. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore.it is not ok for me to want possessions. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want friends. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want to get things right. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want to recover. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want to kill myself. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want a family. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want a good paying job. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want to move forward. Ok, fine. I do not want it anymore. it is not ok for me to want to not be alive anymore. Ok fine. I do not want it anymore. Every time, every turn. There is ALWAYS something I am not supposed to want, not supposed to be doing. I do not know what you want from me anymore. What exactly am I allowed to desire? What dreams are ok for me to have? I never get an answer, you just keep pounding me in the head with your hammer.People tell me I need to get out of my head but I do not even know what that means anymore. I do not know how I can be anywhere but inside my head. I do not know what you want from me. I am sorry I cannot be who you want me to be. I wish I could fix this. But it just seems to keep getting worse now and I do not know why!Oh well, not like anyone would even care. I just shout my nonsense off into the void. No one cares. I am not supposed to be anything. Just so long as I do not kill myself so others can feel morally better about themselves. Not like my death would really impact anyone. Not really.it is hard to miss someone you do not even know exists. I do not know what I want",Depression +11156,"I do not know where to start this story but I recently turned 18 and I have spent the past two years mostly unhappy and anxious, I hated who I am and where I came from. As my dad died when I was nine years old, I thought during the past two years he died due to a suicide believing he jumped off a building, at-least that was what I was told he fell off a building far away from my house for unknown reasons.I held to this thought for two years and spent countless nights crying through anxiety and panic attacks as well as harming myself to cope. Until I got the courage to ask my mom and new stepdad what has happened with my dad regarding more context on how he died. Turns out my parents were hiding information from me that he died falling off the balcony of my house because the railing tore off while he was leaning on it. I am still not sure if that is the truth, but sense then I have never entered my balcony. These hardships found their way into my daily life where I found it very hard to interact with people sense I was young altho I desperately wanted someone to interact with. This coupled with fact that I am on the autism spectrum did not do me any favors. I was bullied relentlessly in high school for rumors spread by bullies of me being gay (I am bisexual) and awkward. I always went home in a bad mood because of this. Faking sicknesses and throwing up on purpose so I could miss the next school day to avoid my classmates. I spent those days in my room in physical pain because of my panic attacks rather than studying for the classes I missed. I was always jealous of people with many friends and especially partners, because I was in great physical shape and conventionally attractive I just do not know how to interact with people and I thought having someone to love would solve my issues. When COVID-19 hit I no longer could go to the gym which was keeping me together in a sense. All these issues got worse 10 fold and because of that I began going to abandoned buildings near my area looking down and convincing myself to jump like I thought my dad did, and I almost succeeded. As a last resort I decided to open up to one of my three close friends on what I was going through and he helped me regain some sanity, that I was worth something and I should not be ashamed of what I am. All in all I thought I got rid of these thoughts habits and pains more recently, I improved my grades got accepted to a great prestigious college and heading towards the future. Until one of my friends managed to get a partner I congratulated him but got jealous. I began hating myself for being jealous and I am spiraling back down to where I was, in the past few weeks I have already missed a few college assignments, I need help to cope with these emotions, I do not know what to do anymore. Lonely, Lost, and Anxious",Depression +11157,"I have wrestled with being suicidal for a long time now. My life is in shambles and I am disabled physically and with mental health issues to such an extent that I am a burden on several people. I thought therapy would help, and it has...but when I explained my suicide plan for if I should ever decide its time to die to my therapist and he said that he would stick with me and ""be supportive"" regardless of what path I choose and complimented me on having a very responsible and well thought out plan.Now I feel like I have no good reason to exist and that I must be really fucked up if a medical professional, who is supposed to stop people from killing themselves, would ""be supportive"". What does that even mean? Am I misunderstanding what someone could mean by saying they would be supportive of suicide? This is not some super green shrink either. He has over 40 years experience, is considered the best care available locally, and specializes in working with people who have severe mental health issues and physical limitations. He even said that if I was able to go th route of physician assisted suicide he would even come be with me for my final farewell if I wanted him to. Is there a point where you cross a line and suicide becomes understandable or even expected? I feel like I have worn out life's welcome. I fight so hard to hang on and many days just not killing myself is an accomplishment. This feels like a blow, it has leveled me. I am in therapy to try and find reasons and ways to hang on and this just feels like permission and encouragement to let go. Like it is not OK for healthy people to be suicidal but if a disabled person is everyone is all in? My family thinks I should wait till my mom dies (as to not put her through it), find a home for my daughter, and then throw a big farewell party and die before my kid is old enough to remember me. I only have my mom and one friend who are not super supportive of me dieing. One of my aunts even offered to send me on a vacation if I wanted to go somewhere special to do it. it is hard to feel like there is hope or help out there when I express struggling with being suicidal and instead of offering support and assistance to keep living people have opinions and support about the logistics of how, when, and where I should die. Even my therapist says he will be supportive if I choose to kill myself.",Suicidal +11158,"I am a female 18 and I am in depression for almost 4 years. I feel extremely uncomfortable with my parents. they are everything I could ever wish for, but still i feel very unhappy when I am with them. Does anyone feel like this too?I think to myself that I am happy but I somehow feel insignificant to my family and the world. I cannot sleep at night properly and not be happy about anything. I was once admitted in the hospital because of panic and anxiety attack. Also had extreme stress. My parents then told me to stop studying a lot. I always feel like they make a better family without me.My feelings and their rude words that comes out of their mouth unintentionally makes me even more sadder. My head pains too much and I cannot stop crying. I am worth but not to the extent of others in this world.My family is very sweet and happy. My mother is a temperamental person and is always angry. She blames me for not doing anything as she is scared of my elder sister and blaming her and shouting at her will lead to her reciprocating the same. My sister is adamant and very much like - I am what I am I do what I want to...kind of person. She sleeps all day and night and watches movies on her computer lying on the bed. While I study all day to improve my grades. Studying has become a escape route for me. I also started watching other entertainment like k and bl series as I have never been into movies. My whole family just sits and watches movies as everyone in my house are just attached to the tv. My mother still shouts at me for not doing dishes, improper working or just simply for random stuff. She also came to know I watch kpop (does not know I watch bl lol) and started to nag at me. My father is quiet and just asks me to do tasks.. Repeatedly again and again that I get so bored of it and just leave my work to do it. My mother would still shout at me for doing the task. If I mention it was dad who asked me to do so, she would just scold me anyway. My sister will dump all her chores to me too. My mother is very unfair between us too and my sister.Sometimes they would all be in the same room teasing and shaming me while I just fake laugh everything.This is not everything. The thing that pains the most is when they act like nothing happened when others visit our house or something like that. They say I am the best and my sis is equally great and that we study and live great and just like life is perfect is every sense! My sister also likes to cajole and kiss me like a child though I mentioned countless of times that I hate it. She says I am the beautiful person she has ever seen. My mother also agrees to it as she just listens to everything my sis says.The fake mask I wear in front of everyone is starting to pain. I smile at everyone and make everyone laugh till they cry while I am always crying deep inside my heart.I hate that in a place like home, I cannot be myself. I am yet to call it a home, it is always just a house to me. I just want someone to understand and be with me Ps. Just while I was writing this my mom just shouted at me for making tea just for me and not for them. My family...",Depression +11159,My boyfriend found my Reddit account and might honestly be reading this right now. I said a bunch of shitty things only a few days ago because I was really not doing well. That does not excuse my behavior but I really love him and I am worried that he is not ok. I feel like such a shitty person and after I explained a few things to him he said it was ok and he loves me but I am worried hes lying and that he hurt himself. I knew I really was not a good person and when he found out it made me so sad. He was the only person who ever really loved me and I loved back and now he might hate me. If he is not alive today and died last night Ill probably do it tonight. I cannot live without him. I messed up,Suicidal +11160,"I am not sure how to overcome my anxiety/depression. Made a regrettable decision at work, and now have to live with. I can feel myself getting worse. I used to love going out, cooking, keeping up w things. Now I go to work and come home. I am starting now to worry about getting on a plane which I never did. Are getting on meds my only answer? Help?",Depression +11161,"Is anyone else struggling with something like this?I feel like I have been depressed for a long time, finally got the courage to start something with someone and my own insecurity and problems have meant that I have not acted like myself, pushed them away, and ruined something that could of been good. Its triggered this bout of depression... and it sucks. Potential relationship has been triggered and ruined by depression",Depression +11162,"Just like the title says. I am a type 1 diabetic so that is why I have insulin. Tonight before I go to bed I am going to give myself the remaining vials of my short-acting stuff all in one sitting putting me into a diabetic coma and killing myself. I have just a little over 500U of humalog to use. There is absolutely no way I am going to survive this. I live alone and no one is expecting to come over and find me. I have a will in place with my family that was done way prior to this, so at least the money I am worth will be going to them. I have no one to depend on me - no children or partners or pets. Just my miserable, pathetic self. I give it about a week or two before people probably notice I am gone. In regards to work, I work as a nurse and I took some PTO prior to this so I have 10 days before I am expected to come back. No one will be the wiser. they will just think I skipped work until the news finally sets in. Honestly, what might be the reason people discover me is the smell. Maybe I should go outside? Idk. Everything is planned out regardless. I can finally be at peace with myself. Goodbye everyone. Fuck everything. I cannot wait to end my miserable existence. If there is a Hell, I hope I burn for all eternity. I deserve it. But it does not really fucking matter does it because I am in hell each and everyday. There is no way anyone can convince me to change my mind. I am only posting this because I want this to be kind of a send off of sorts. I have seen similar people write these and they are almost like online suicide notes (speaking of which, I should probably draft one). I do not know if that is too messed up or not. I am just going to ruin everyone is day. For that I am sorry. Maybe you guys can live a better life than I could. Who knows. No one knows who I am; I am just an anonymous loser. Anyways, I just got back from working nights and I am tired. Going to go to bed and take a nice walk when I wake up in the afternoon. Ill probably read some of what you guys say when I wake up, but please do not try and convince me not to do this. My mind is already made up. Hopefully its nice out so I can at least enjoy the sunshine a final time. And with that, I am out. Bye everyone. I am going to kill myself by overdosing on my insulin tonight.",Suicidal +11163,"I told this person I might end up killing myself at 19 but he told me this. I do not know, it did not do any help at all. I felt more miserable more than ever now. I do not know. i really do not. ""yeah, that is a tough age. You get pressure to take decisions, it is a transition time.""",Suicidal +11164,"This is the third day without eating and drinking. Though' will be enough to die, but I do not feel any pain; or at least, is not like the kind of pain you get from when you are hit or cut yourself, it is more like a cold, as when you are sick, but being more dizzy and tired with high temperature. Sometimes my heart ache and random places from my body, but I am still resisting and thinking, like nothing changed at all. This also made me think, it must be the best possible way to die, but not entirely sure. Will be more painful as the time passes? How can be worse from now on?Not a native-english speaker, so I struggle sometimes writting grammatically and finding the right words; not do I care anymore at this point. How does actually feels dying of thirst?",Suicidal +11165,I am about to psychopath and a manipulator I do not deserve to liveI threaten people I used bad languageI make people sadI do not deserve to be aliveSorry I am done with myself,Suicidal +11166,"I know I should not care what others think but part of me worries about others using this post against me sometime. I still need to post it though. So wednesday was the anniversary of when my brother died. For some details I guess check out my post on r/PTSD. I am autistic and really struggle to do a lot of things I want to do when they involve just myself. Its a LOT easier when others are involved. I finally was cleaning my room today, FINALLY, and then I found a spider. I had to take work off yesterday and did get some stuff done and then today but now I am hiding on the couch. I tried asking for help but that did not do anything except show me I should be trying to figure it out myself instead of asking. My dad died last month and I am just so tired of going on by myself. I hope a dog is worth fighting for but there is a lot I need to figure out first and I do not know if its going to happen. Not sure what will happen if I have to wait even longer for that. I also have mild versions of many other disabilities and it does not feel like life should be this hard because of that. I am trying to reach out for help but its not enough currently and takes time to get. Plus others have lives that do not involve me and I hate interrupting that so much. But I cannot do it myself either. I would honestly rather not do it than ask for help if possible but that cannot happen for everything so I am stuck being a burden. I am a major fawner, meaning I try to please when possible and make life easier for others. I prefer others offering than me asking and I keep getting frustrated by minor things, especially when something does not go how I want it to. My laptop decided to stop turning on last month as well and I should just get a new battery but its not that easy. My therapist gave me a different one but it is not a gaming laptop and needed to update when I turned it on. TLDR: I am trying, I really am, but its not enough and I really do not want to bother anyone else. I was FINALLY doing better and then a spider ruined it and now I just want to give up. I have already tried asking for help and I am just a bother and need to figure it out for myself. I might ask for help one more time but now there is a chance of other spiders in my room because I have not been able to keep it clean no matter how much I try. I tell myself I need to clean and I just sit there on my phone instead. I am really trying",Suicidal +11167,I have (F16) questioning this for awhile after my most recent productive period. i realized that maybe around a month ago i felt that i genuinely and i mean it nearly cured my social anxiety and was on the brink of recovering from my depression. this period of happiness lasted like at least a week for sure and more. i was soo productive i ran everyday in which i never do and i was even artistic and made a full drawing that i framed later. i felt so good and like i was not going to feel the loneliness of depression but this time sadly ended. i do not know why and i realized that I have felt this way before. prior i had another time period where i was super creative and decorative i decorated a full wall on my room and took time to make this spirited away painting. i was just so artistic but for some reason after i fell into this hole of anger and slept so much and rarely got out of bed. i even ended up destroying and cutting that painting i spent hours on and i broke things in my room.i do not know why i got like that but that sense of irritation/irritability followed me after my most recent high of my depression.i do not know if i should bring this up to my pediatrician or not. i also currently take wellbutrin XL 300mg which worked at first but I have been on it for so long its hard to distinguish if it works well still. questioning if my MDD is actually bipolar disorder,Depression +11168,does anyone else feel like death is the only way for peace. I feel like everyday i wake up i just suffer with panic attacks and feeling like I am dying. I cannot live like this anymore.. I am scared of everything.. death is peace,Suicidal +11169,I believe I have depression but have not been officially diagnosed. My parents do not seem to realise how I feel or really care. I am not particularly interested in anything and have no motivation. Have no friends due to my social skills and now I hate having to talk to anyone. People seem like an obstruction to me these days. I honestly have so many problems. I need advice,Depression +11170,"I met someone on Hinge about eight months ago and we got along instantly which is extremely rare for me. We could not meet in person at the time due to lockdown restrictions. It started like any online dating relationship starts, with flirting and asking questions and getting to know one another. All of a sudden he stopped showing interest. That really affected my already low self-esteem and I tried my best to talk to him and figure out why he lost interest. I came across as cold and scary, he became very defensive, it got quite bad and I had quite a severe panic attack that took five propanolol to sort out. I blamed myself and he reluctantly came back, he would be even colder and more distant now. No more good mornings or how are yous, no flirting, no questions, nothing. Just very short superficial talks about current events or interests. I tried to ask him in a more direct way why he was behaving like that and it resulted in him ignoring me. I gave up and deleted him off all social media (except the one we used for messaging) and moved on with my life. Two months later he messages me saying how much he misses me and wants to rectify things. Nobody has ever come back for me, it meant a lot. We start talking again, nothing gets rectified he just repeats himself whilst ignoring and not apologizing for how he behaved. But I am just happy he is back so I let it be. We finally meet and it goes somewhat well, he does not flirt but he seems interested again. Fast forward to our 5th date and we sleep together. Afterwards he just goes back to being distant despite always being online. It makes me extremely overwhelmed and I go talk to him. I am ignored until he replies about how he cannot take it anymore and how it is not his fault work was busy. I mentioned how affection or at least signs of interest are and he was having none of it. Ultimately I blamed myself and explained my current family situation as it also affects me to maybe make him understand that I just really needed some support and he ignored me for days. I would avoid messaging him but I would always see him online. I asked him for closure as I did not know what do he replied instantly, said it was a shame as we were so compatible and that if I wanted we could still be friends. When I replied that if we both tried it could work, he ignored me again. The day after I went for a day out on the beach and saw a little stall that does clam chowder which I have never tried before meeting him and it is one of his fav foods, when I got home I messaged him saying that I wanted to take him there to show him something even if just as friends. He ignored me again. The day afterwards (which was yesterday) I had a job interview. I have been trying really hard these past years to finally have my own life. I have been through therapy, medication and regularly study and follow well-being advice. Currently, I live with my mom - who has her own set of mental health problems lately she is been well but at times she becomes awful towards me. Especially if I show emotions, the worst ones are if I cry or seem angry (even if I am not, if she thinks I am then that is an invitation to start a fight) - and my cat - who is dying of lymphoma. I am an immigrant so I do not have many friends here. Most of my friends are from work but lately everybody is too busy for me. So this job interview meant a lot. If I get this, I may very well be able to afford to live in my own place. In the hype of the interview, I made a decision to move on and have a fresh start. New job, then new house, new life. And I was tired of feeling so overwhelmed and weighed down by everything and now being given false hope. So I messaged a final time, stating this could have all been sorted within a day. How it is impossible to form any relationship with someone who simply is not there. I then deleted him off the messaging app we use and his number. He has not attempted to communicate but it is not as if I am expecting it. I do not think I am wrong. I think that if he wanted to this could work. What affects me is why is it that nobody ever wants to at least try to make it work? I am willing to compromise, I have always hyped him up and showed him that he matter to me. Every morning I would wish him a good morning despite knowing I would not receive one back, the same would happen at night. So what is it about me that so damn disgusting that does not even deserve a good morning? I am afraid to cry under my own roof. I have absolutely nobody in this world and the only creature on this planet that somehow loves me is going to die soon. I cannot trust anyone because of the amount of times I have been bullied, rejected, belittled, used, harmed. I have attempted suicide twice before so I know this third time I would not fail, plus three times the charm. The only thing keeping me here is waiting to hear back from the interview and how bitterly disappointing it is that now, after my entire life spent trying to overcome trauma and abuse, when I am finally getting where I want, someone appears and completely kills any crumb of love I had for myself just by not bothering to be there. After a half-ghosted ""relationship"" ended I have been thinking about suicide for the past days",Suicidal +11171,Dab. Watch me commit suicide.,Suicidal +11172,"I am working on a free project to help people who are alone or do not have supportive people around. Please let me know what phrases you would like to hear/read throughout the day. e.g. Hey, I am proud of you! Life has been hard and yet you are still here! you are a rock star! , you are worthy of love, taking your meds will make you feel better, going to bed earlier will make tomorrow easier etc etc. Positive Reinforcement only please. [Question] What Spoken/Text Positive Phrases & Reminders would be helpful for you throughout the day via your phone or virtual assistant speaker?",Depression +11173,"Just wondering, as I read online that a lot of helium providers now make it so their helium does not suffocate. If there was anywhere that sold either entire exit bags, or exit bag approved helium, or whatever I am sure you get what I mean. I know its probably illegal to sell exit bags, however a shop that just happens to sell the equipment for them surely is not? Anywhere that sells exit bag materials (UK)?",Suicidal +11174,"getting better is one of my biggest fears. my biggest fear. i am scared of getting better. i do not want to get better. i do not want to leave depression. maybe my meds are working. I am scared of getting better. i want to stay like this, dying everyday, as miserable as it is. but i want to die. i do not want to live. i want to die. i can slowly feel my suicidal thoughts leaving me as well and now I am even more scared. depression please do not leave me. please. i think i am getting better",Depression +11175,"If one day I just forget everything, I think I would not mind forgetting all the bad memories and bad people in my life. It would be a new start pretty much. I sometimes wish I had amnesia.",Depression +11176,"Everythings been going downhill for me lately, parents are toxic and ignorant, thankfully they do not beat me anymore but I wish they would beat me to death so I would not have to continue living in absolute misery 24/7 365. I am going to kill myself soon, I do not know how soon, in a week, a month, maybe a year. I just know that its going to happen. I cannot fucking do this anymore this is not life this is torture I feel like my life is coming to an end, real fucking fast",Suicidal +11177,"I have had depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a host of other issues my whole life, and I thought I was doing pretty well. Mid twenties now, and I made a lot of mistakes that have just left me reeling. I have gone from being engaged to my best friend, with an apartment and a job I love and career ideas, to just... Sleeping all the time feeling sorry for myself. My job is one that like... If I did not get out of bed to do, I would hate myself even more? So that is not a problem but. I just repeatedly ask myself what the point of me is, wanting to die but not actually taking steps towards it. Just chilling on the metaphorical bridge. Therapy has not helped. My meds have not helped. I do not hate people around me, I barely hate anything but myself, but I am not really interested in a lot of the people in my life or that I try connecting with. The few that I am are so different from me that it is not something I could maintain. Despite being nonbinary and bi, I regularly feel I am cis and get and pretending. I am in a healthy weight range and people like me, but they are not people I like, and I feel incredibly unhealthy all the time. And the kicker for it all is I am a suicide hotline operator. I spend forty hours a week trying to just like. Do what little I can manage to help people or do some good out there and as a result calling the lines myself is like. The biggest eye roll most of the time. So it is like, what do I even do from here that I have not done already? (Rhetorical). I am not going to die anytime soon, though I wish I could, so I am just. Stuck. A year post ruining my life.",Depression +11178,Would it be better if I just end it all or stay and suffer even tho no one cares about me I do not know what to do anymore...,Suicidal +11179,I hear some people say that you pass put and do not feel a thing. Then you have the others who say because it is not helium you have seizures and foam at the mouth for ten minutes before dying. Which is it? I want the truth dammit So is carbon monoxide painful or not? For science,Suicidal +11180,I am abroad rn and the temptation to just get a hotel room and end it all is just there. i hate my life and for so long now I have been convinced that it never gets better. i just want it all to stop i do not want to feel anymore. help,Suicidal +11181,please check my last post (linked in comments) for context I am going to kill myself tonight,Suicidal +11182,"I am a 19y/o girlfor background, i have not had a good relationship with my dad since i can remember, when i was 7 he threatened to strangle me, and our relationship for years has been strained because of several incidents. i also do not have a good relationship with my mum, because as a kid id constantly be yelled at by her, and as i grew older, she yelled less, but always backed my dad when he placed another traumatic event on me. because of trauma that I have experienced, I have developed what my psychologist thinks (and is working on getting me a dx for) is bpd. my dad while i was growing up tended to use violence as a way to make me behave more than any parent i knew - most peoples parents would smack them lightly, but even that stopped around the time they started high school. when i was 14, i was slapped so hard my mouth bled, and when i was 15, i was punched. i was terrified of both my parents growing up.i tend to be very impulsive - i spend excessively, and drink excessively. in august last year, i drank more than half of a bottle of vodka in one night, and tried to kill myself. the police were called, and then the ambulance, and i ended up in hospital on a drip for the night. I am 411 and weigh 40kg, so that was WAY more than i could handle. and on december 30th, 2020, i drank an entire wine bottle, 8.5 drinks, in an hour. again, that was too much for me, and my mum realised i was drunk and came to my room. she told me she was going to call the ambulance on me again, and i told her not to (the last time i went in august was incredibly traumatic, and i cannot hear a siren even now without reliving it). she kept threatening to, so in my state, i jumped down, pushed her onto my bed and choked her. i fucking choked her. not to kill, just to scare her from calling anyone. I am so terribly ashamed of it, and have been for months, and I am fighting not to kill myself. but i do not think i can. I am a horrible person, and i deserve to die. i deserve a painful death. I am going to do it tonight. i just wanted to get this out before i did. i hope my girlfriend will be okay i did something and i do not deserve to be alive",Suicidal +11183,"I (20M) had this girlfriend for a little over a year. I voted her so much, and she loved me back. She was really the only person in my life to ever show me any kind of affection and love. it is not exaggerating to say she was the best thing that ever happened to me.But 3 months ago she had to move away. She decided it best to break up since there was really no way we could make long distance work. I knew it was probably the best option, but it still hurts.I thought I would be able to get over her, but I cannot. it is impossible for me to move on. She is all I can think about, day and night, 24 hours. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I have had multiple anxiety attacks, some extreme enough to where I vomited. I cannot function without her. I keep thinking about what she is doing at every minute in the day, and my brain cannot help but picture her with some other guy in the future. And honestly I physically cannot handle that coming true. That would be enough right now to push me over the edge.There is nothing I can do to distract myself. Nothing works. I am going crazy and I am scared it will never end. I do not know what to do anymore. I miss her so bad, it is killing me",Suicidal +11184,"I have dealt with thoughts of suicide on and off again for a few years now and every time I feel as if things get better, they just go right back to where they were. Why does the thought of just ending everything once and for all just sound so appealing at times and at others just like a maniacal thought? I have told my wife and I am sure my immediate family knows as well. They say they are there for me when I need, but it just does not feel that way. Will I ever actually go through with it? Right now, I hope not, but maybe tomorrow will be a different story. Does anybody else feel this way? And why is it this way for me? Why cannot I just make up my mind for and for all? Why is it the way that it is?",Suicidal +11185,"I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for awhile now, and its in a huge part to my ADHD. It makes me feel like I cannot really do anything, whether by myself or with someone is help. Yet, I want to do so many things and try to do them. But every time I start to do something, I get so confused and frustrated and angry that I have to stop before I break something. So, I push it aside and hope to try it again later. This happens a lot. And I cannot see a way out of it. Its like I am trapped in a room with a thousand doors, each with something behind it for me to do; options. But, every time I try to open one, its like it ways 200 pounds and needs an incredible amount of strength to open. And when it is finally open, there is another door just like it right behind. I keep trying to open these doors with different keys in different ways, but its exhausting. Yet, there is one door that only needs to be opened once, and it does not seem to be that heavy. I keep feeling it pull at me when ever I get in a bad mood. A door whose key has always been with me and everyone owns. Most people want to push this key away, pretend its not an option. But its always there, waiting for the day to fulfill its purpose. Because everyone will go through that door one day, whether they are prepared on not. I hate looking at the door, but what I hate more, is the idea that due to me opening none of the doors, I will become nothing and disappoint everyone I care about for the rest of my days. I think that is much worse than me opening the easy door. But Ill keep trying. I just hope I can choose the right door for me, before the one door chooses me. Sorry if this post feels off topic, I just need to put this into words. I only see one door to open right now.",Depression +11186,If my life is going to be like this forever a vicious cycle of hospitalization doing good for some vague amount of time then going back to the hospital. I am my life is not enjoyable enough to deal with one the medical debt and two the absolute terribleness of being in patient. 25 and ready to die,Suicidal +11187,"Just needed to vent and I honestly cannot say this to anyone IRL. The bar is this coming Tuesday. I have not studied in any capacity. I just could not bring myself to commit. I was barely taking care of myself as it was. And that is the thing, I cannot even say that I want to kick myself or that I regret it. My mental health was literally just so poor that if I actually participated in the study schedule/grind, I feel I would have been worse off for it. For context, this summer is the only time I have gone days without brushing my teeth and struggled to get out of my bed. I have had two major depressive periods in the past and neither time was I at this level of neglect. I wish I would have just signed up for the later date, but that is not what you are suppose to do. You are supposed to graduate and immediately study full-time for 8 weeks. I even started early technically, but I put in one full days worth of work and just...stopped. I said oh after graduation when its official to start is when Ill pick it back up...but I did not. And very early on I already felt like I was so behind. I had people asking me what my progress percentage of my bar prep course was at during graduation (we did not even need to technically start yet!!) and it freaked me out. I basically decided at the beginning of July that I was too behind with only 4 weeks left, so it was not possible and I was going to fail. And I gave up even pretending to schedule studying.Part of the issue is/was covid. I felt like a real law student with real obligations, benefits, and consequences before this. Then we went online for the remainder of my degree program. I instantly lost focus and drive. None of it felt real or worthwhile anymore. I could now BS my way through my classes (school had relaxed grading policies) and when it came time to actually learn for the bar, I was incredibly overwhelmed.And hell even if I studied studied, there was never a guarantee that I would pass, but there is absolutely no chance for me to pass now. I do not care what any of my peers have to say about me not passing because well, I did not actually study, and regardless of that, peer pressure just has not ever been a motivator for me. I wish I did care what they thought in actuality because I am completely lacking motivation. My family is truly supportive and I know already they will not think badly of me. But they have checked in practically everyday. And I lie and say I studied when I did not. I cannot tell my friends because I know they all are studying by the stuff they send me. All this to say, I feel very alone at this time in my life.I cannot back out of the exam now so I am treating it like a practice test as I have heard others suggest. I can and will retake it next year. I already know that I am changing my environment so I will not be so isolated, which will help. I know in the end everything will probably be okay. I think it speaks loads that even as I am writing this with the test days away, I do not have that much anxiety. This entire time I have been numb. I am sure I will probably freak out during the test. I hope that this experience will actually motivate me in the end. If you read all this, thanks for listening. I am going to fail the bar exam",Depression +11188,I feel so guilty for what I have done. Its feeling you get where you have a realization and you just cannot speak about it. Your body freezes and you feel choked. From guilt. I have these thoughts of wanting to die because of this feeling of guilt . I am such a sad person. I earns surrender and not be in pain anymore I feel guilty,Depression +11189,i do not really love my life i really want to end itbut i do not want people the most important person in my life my mom i do not want to make her sad and let her think all her life that what did she do wrongi do not want to hurt people i just want to vanish like no body ever knew i existed.i have these thoughts where I am in a hospital dyingand I am greeting people and asking for apologies.i do not know if its weird but i start to cry thinking of me dying thinking of all the people who are related to me that how would they feel if i will not be there.to be honest sometimes it really feels like I am done that i have no power to fight or to do anything in my life I Want To Die But do not want to Hurt Anyone,Depression +11190,"So here am I, I do not know why I take the time I writing this but I been trying to seek help but gain nothing nonetheless is like nobody cares, I feel so sad tries to commit suicide 3 weeks ago with pill over dosis but failed. Been thinking a lot of stuff of why I do actuallly feel like being stomachache sick try to get out of house to go to grannys one but I just feel overwhelmed with everything I just want to go far away and stop bothering anyone I am just sorry for everything and nothing at the same time I am just so sad I feel so sad",Suicidal +11191,"Okay so I have been fluctuating between 100-150mg doses of Pristiq (desvenlafaxine) for 6 or so years and I have been tapering down with my doctor for three months. I am down to 50mg every second day, and I cannot believe the amount of rage and anger I feel at the moment. I want to smash things, shout at people, ram their car etc etc for no reason and I know behaving that my way is not okay and I have no intent to follow through, but I have no idea what to do with all this anger beyond take some Seroquel and have a nap. Has anyone else experienced this? How did/do you cope? I belted the shit out of my cars steering wheel today and cried afterwards because I dented the logo plate in the middle of it so that is not productive. I hope this is just a withdrawal symptom and not part ofMe the Pristiq had been masking. SNRI Antidepressant Withdrawals",Depression +11192,"It seems all my relationships seem to get to a point that the other party really shows genuine distasteful responses more and more with time, i have been left my my parents, every girl I have been with showed or acted on interest in others, all these interactions are really affecting my daily drive i feel like i wake up and just want to scrape threw and sleep again quicklyIm going to have a daughter soon, and its the interactions with the mom, my gf, that is really stressing me lately, some kinks were discovered a long time ago that i found to be an issue in the way they were hiden, thag has turned to resengment, as she hoped id be instantly interested in the particular kink, when i was upset and wanted trust back it kind of turned into more events and more resentment on both ends, we are tryna fix it but rn I am told my attitude is a massive partI genuinely have craved an early release from life since a tramatic incident as a kid, i just want to feel i am good as i am, and that it gets better, i do not know many people that were only really raised for like 8 years in the middle of developing by very very sick great grandparents (there the people to aspire to be) and abandoned and taken advantage of in general when i was young , it instills some intense trust complexity in me i know that it is hard to deal with me, but my feelings really are not in good condition for a while, i just want her to talk and be open, especially before the kid is hereIm really loosing some screws this week so I am sorry if this is a mess of a post, thank you for any impute good people of reddit I feel i (22m) am understandable only after i have bonded with people to an extent",Depression +11193,"suicideyea i really am, suicide is sleep and eternal peace , do not have to deal with troubles of this fucked up world and mean people , just eternal sleep....ohhhhh is not that good.. after seeing how fucked up this world is and how things turn out , its better not being here anymore , i cannot even understand is this a reality or somekinda nightmare , that i cannot wake up fromi wish somebody could talk to me , here or somewhere else i feel so lonely all the time and have chronic pains , i really really want to die so bad ..... i am jelous of people who commited",Suicidal +11194,THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT? COME TO ME MIDDLE AGED DIVORCED MAN WITH MIDLIFE CRISIS that is ALL THAT YOU COULD THINK OFF. I FUCKING KNOW WHY you are HERE. YOU WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MENTALLY DISTURBED PEOPLE LIKE ME AND OTHERS FOR YOUR OWN SEXUAL NEEDS. FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO DID THIS HEY LOOK I am A GIRL SO TALK TO ME,Suicidal +11195,"I was looking through my facebook (for the first time in months, since I do not even have a social life to begin with). Seeing all my old schoolmates graduating, or with a job earing X a month. Listening to my cousin fresh out of college doing a high paying job. Meanwhile I am here, a college dropout, spending his time at home with his parents doing nothing to better myself or improve my situation. I feel like a parasite, leeching off my parents. I am a pointless human being that should not exist. I will NEVER be a useful human being. I will NEVER be a functional member of human society. I am a piece of garbage that needs to be removed. A broken cog in the machine that needs to be replaced. Listening to how successful my old schoolmates and cousins are in life makes me even more suicidal than usual",Suicidal +11196,I do not know what to say really.I am a 31 year old bum.No aspirations and no life.I am just a low-life with no future.I pray but god does not hear me.I just wanted to get married and live happily ever after with my wife.I hope you are doing well. I am so broken,Depression +11197,I am a fatass. I am a whale. a pig. i do not deserve food and i do not deserve to be here.. i want to see my mama again but i do not deserve to see her either. i do not fucking deserve anything. (tw: eating disorder) i do not deserve to be here..,Suicidal +11198,"he was pretty screwed up physically and emotionally and left behind a bunch of dependents.. he took too many prescriptions, etc.... word to the wise.. do not follow the life script and do not trust your television if you want to live Friend killed himself",Depression +11199,And I am already sliding down hill. Just got out of the psyche ward,Suicidal +11200,"[Trigger warning] This is mostly based on the fact that my mom always wanted me and my siblings to go to the curch but I was the most sensitive one.I do not have any friends so I did not talk about it with anybody but my mom but I cannot do that anymore.Three years ago I confessed for the first time that I tought God was evil and they told me to pray for things to change.Three years later I have always been praying with the same feelings and now I cannot even think about God without feeling hatred and despair.When I was a kid my mom always tried to get me to go to the Orthodox curch and fast. Three years ago I was having problems sleeping due to my growth and my mom told me it was because I did not come to the curch with her.I got really scared.Basically being scared was the only reason I believe in God and why I am doing so badly.Now I was scared of more than not sleeping ,I was scared I will go to hell and that God will punish me for the tiniest bad tought.I even got a tic in my mind I say ""forgive me God"",I was not alowed to sleep more than 6 h ,to eat fully or without praying and I prayed more than 1 h and did 50/100 prostrations and reading everyday ,fasted for half a year every year, I slimmed up 20 kilograms and got sick, and after a long period I have had an operation to remove my colecist.I was extremely stressed out everyday, not to make a single sin and do everything right.Now cannot go to curch anymore and I want God to dessapear and to live a paceful life but I fear I cannot.I want this to end, be it depression or anything else.I am hurting myself and cry every single day for the same reason for a year and my mom does not really want me going to a therapist nor to get medicine.Sometimes my family makes fun of me and over all does not care.I do not have any friends and I do not know what I will do with my life.My mom now blames me saying that I was a fool back then but I was just a child and she were so prowd of me back then. She was saying that God had blessed her. I have never seen my mom so happy and proud and now that I am not trying to do everything right she started to scolds me again and I felt so bad.Recently she admited she had mistaken but she still makes so many of those twisted assumptions about me and thinks suffering it is my fault for having a bad temper.All these Years I have been doing whatever her and my father told me (my father was knoun for baing the weirdest and most insufferable one; when I was arownd 13 he told me I may become a slut because I was having impure toughts and that gave me so much suffering for all these years,now he died and my mom still thinks he was a saint but thinking about him is like thinking about hell)All these years I prayed that I will love God and I ended up hating God.I do not really want to make up with God.I tried but things only got worse every timeI cannot help but blame my mom because I always believed in her worlds weather I wanted or not.Even now it is the same.She is very confident and her belief is everything there is for her.She told me everything there is wrong about humans and life and it gave me depression because everything was bad and everyone was wrong. She also believes stuff that hurts me like ""it is the fault of the damn feminists that womans suffer these days working and the families have been destroyed"" and tells me there is no hapiness on earth nor something worthy of your time other than going to heaven.I do not want to go to heaven ,I just want a paceful life.But what can I do and where can I go to escape God?Everything normal people do is a bigger or smaller sin and I cannot stop thinking about all my mom had told me and I believed.Everything comes into my head :how if you are making a mistake God will give you punishments for you to wake up and come to the right path.And if you do not then that is your fault for going to hell where there will be fire 10000 hotter and if you are debauched bugs will eat you alive forever and there is guilt fear and dispair, and crows eating the belly and chest of women whom aborted children forever and ever.What can a therapist do about that though?I do not know if my family is bad, my dad is disinterested but my mom never let me believe that God can be interpreted in any other way,and I am scared to do it.She also thinks that God is all loving but the fear of God is the first love.she will make fun of other people who do not have the same beliefs as her and I hate that.She also thinks that I am genuinely a bad person and that I have to change.I do not think she is ok with me not being perfect, she tells me ""if you behave like that you will end up in a hell hole in life, nobody is going to be good with you"".She wants me to always forgive ,she always tells me a story with a woman who confessed she was getting bitten by her husband and the father told her to keep water in her mouth all day(so she would shut up).She wants me to accept life is trash and be humble and kind no mather what, sometimes she just tells me I do not understand and that is why I feel like this is bad... I am a teenager and I think I have trauma",Depression +11201,"I have severely autistic children. I should not have had kids. It was selfish. Completely. And now, their long term future is going to be awful. Every day is noise. there is no break from the constant hum and screeching. I have gained a massive amount of weight since I had kids. If they are awake I cannot sit down for even a minute. cannot watch a show. Can barely have a conversation. Trying to work with them and teach them anything is a fucking nightmare..I have been homeschooling because of the pandemic and it is pulling teeth. My niece and nephew are a year older than my oldest and watching everything they can do.... The freedom their parents have... The way they can just be part of society has sucked my soul out.Every program for ""autistic"" people is actually for Level 1/Asperger's. We were basically shunned out of a karate place and a haircutting place that said they worked with ""people on the spectrum."" Went to a birthday party one time and the stares and whispers were so much we just left. I would kill myself if not for the kids. But I could not do that to them. So, I guess I just keep... Muddling through whatever this is. Life?We have 0 support now that they are not in school. At this point I do not know when they will return. I want to keep them out until there are vaccines but I feel like I am losing my mind. I have seen how things are going to be when my oldest ages out of school. Supports are so awful. I will have to quit any job I have at the time and be a full time caregiver. And keep doing it until I am basically dead and the state can finally help with a care worker. Then I just hope they do not get abused. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. But I cannot stop because I am the one who takes care of them. I guess I go until I breakdown and hope for the best... Lol The kids stop me.",Suicidal +11202,"Sorry about the title, just wanted to grab attention I am slowly recovering from depression after so many years of suffering from it. I was in such a dark phase and since I was able to come out of it, I just want to say this to you all (to whoever suffering from a lot of things in life) : I may not understand what you are going through but there is definitely light in the end of the tunnel, provided you are willing to reach there by putting efforts. I believe we all need the push we require to excel what we are capable of in life. there is definitely hope, no matter what situation you are trapped in. I know when you are depressed, you tend to be way too hard on yourself. I have felt hopelessness for the longest time in life and eventually I got way too comfortable in feeling that way and failed to get out of the hell, which indeed ruined my life further. So, please start reflecting on yourself from a different perspective and you will definitely find a way to deal with any situation by nurturing yourself. Talk to someone who would help you get out of whatever situation. Yes, we all need validation and we seek to find people who would say comforting words and it is necessary but not every single time. Sometimes, you need people who would push you to do your best by being honest with you. Never start to pity yourself then you will eventually get too comfortable being that way and it will be very hard to get out of it. Be compassionate with yourself by knowing how you could improve certian attributes to enhance your performance in life and start taking small steps. Remember, to take only small steps in the beginning because since we are depressed, we may easily find the job overwhelming if we set difficult short term goals. Trust me on this because I have been there and have ruined my life enough. there is ALWAYS HOPE!!! START TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF!! Exercising helps a lott!!!!!! I just want to she would some positivity on whoever reading this. Sorry, if I came across as condescending anywhere across the paragraph. LISTEN EVERYBODY!!",Depression +11203,"did not know a better way of phrasing it as a title. I want to pre-face not exactly and suicidal state right now I have overwhelming wait for depression but the urge to go ahead and actually take my life has since passed, after i had overcame and pulled out of my attempt last min. so am not in immediate danger but i feel like this is the only semi private place i can ask for help since non of my friends and family know my reddit account.I, F22,Have always been depressed and being in a on/off suicidal state ever since I was 12 years old and got sexually assaulted by a family member. In the most recent year i found my self back in that scary place and bc of that i thought if i burned a bridge if would not hurt as bad of them when i was gone. When i was planning my attempt I noted that i should break up with my then Boyfriend. I was madly in love with him but i had this since of guilt that it would be selfish if i took my life while we were still together bc i was too embarrassed to tell him that i had been feeling like that and i avoided telling him about my depression out entire friendship and relationship. So when we broke up I created a bullshit reason just for the situation to be over and we have not really spoken since the break up happened in february. oh now I feel like if I myself in a better place soon I have been getting therapy I cannot help but feel so guilty I am feeling like I need to apologize because i miss him, not even really as a romantic partner but genuinely as a friend.I just cannot help but feel so selfish because I purposely burn a bridge with someone i loved so much bc i so scared of causing pain by proxy. i want to apologize and tell him the truth but I am scared ill come across as emotionally manipulative. I do not know i just need advice of what to do bc this weird feeling of guilt has been kicking my ass for the past few months and i just do not know what to do and I have been crying over it it for ages now I am stuck in my own loop of post attempt guilt",Suicidal +11204,What is the one mistake that you made in the past that you still regret and why do you regret it? Past mistakes.,Depression +11205,At first the withdrawals were AWFUL but i soldiered on but its been a month and a half now and I am starting to have hallucinations. Mainly at night. Dark corners/hallways and windows ect. When it happens I just tell myself its not real. Has anybody else experienced this? It seems so late to be experiencing the worst parts of the withdrawals. Tempted to get back on it. Not sure if its a side affect of getting off it or I am just going crazy now that the medication is out my system *nervous laughter* I have an appointment with my doctor for Monday. Just thought a second opinion will not hurt. Preferably someone that is experienced the same thing. Hallucinations from getting off 30mg mirtazipine,Depression +11206,"I am shallow, I am selfish, I am jusgemental and i know it. but i do not want to change. i hate who i am yet i refuse to change. I am in quite predicament haha. i know it",Depression +11207,"I was fully committed to my plan that was going to happen this weekend. First, I was going to say goodbye to my unsuspecting family and go for a walk into the woods, where I was going to gather approximately 20 leaves of *Conium Maculatum* (Poison Hemlock), eat them with a few shots of smuggled vodka or something to that effect, and die within a few hours of respiratory collapse. But now, obviously, I am having second thoughts. I knew that eating hemlock would not be fun and peaceful (but at least its not water hemlock, which kills you way worse), and I even thought that I deserved the pain that it would bring, but now I am scared. Dying from respiratory failure sounds awful. Imagine someone sealing your mouth shut, and then plugging your nostrils. I wanted a way to knock myself out very quickly after eating the leaves so I would not feel anything. Chloroform? Steal horse tranquillisers from the farm on the way to the woods? Seemed too unachievable. And I also had second thoughts because my brain was flooded with things to live for (despite them all being highly romanticised, when in reality I know that my life is shit). And now the stress, shame, anger and everything else that accompanies continuing to live is upon me. I have put off all my work because I thought Id be deadwell now what? I do not exactly have the motivation to catch up with anything, and my family have planned a bunch of outings that I am way too depressed to go on, but I do not want them to know that. Honestly being dead is practical if nothing else. Can we talk about how stressful it is to plan it and not go through with it?",Suicidal +11208,"A few months ago I was drinking almost every day and finished about a bottle of whiskey a month on top of other alcoholic drinks. I was planning on downing sleeping pills and drinking a bottle of whiskey, but when I took a shot and was ready to take the pills the shot made me throw up. I have never puked like that so I took it as that I need to stop before this becomes a habbit. I was definitely working twords it and I do still have a few bottles of whiskey but I ahwvnt touched them since. I am way too young to ruin my body hell I am only 18 but the cravings to drink lately have been strong and I almost made a drink last night but did not. it is what I am only really thinking about right now and I probably should sleep but idk I just want a swig or that warm feeling of being buzzed. its always in the back of my mind that I know I have access to that feeling but I cannot do that again because I know I will be drunk almost every night again. I was not drinking for fun I was doing it to suppress shit and not feel.I was drunk mostly from April through May and in June a little too but that is when I slowed down mostly. Now it feels like a need just to do it, I just wan to be drunk right now. Fuck this sucks even thinking about it makes me want to say fuck it and get drunk. it is all mental too like physically idk if I want that but mentally I want it if that makes sense. I think I just need to avoid it because I might become an addict. I do not want that but honestly if I became one I would not care right now. I have had such a bad craving to drink the past couple of days. Triggering possibly",Depression +11209,"Quarantine is making me so much more depressed and suicidal, like I never had friends in the first place but I have been getting into dnd within the last year and that is all I want to do. I just want to play dnd and have irl friends to play with. Why is it so hard nowadays? I just want friends",Depression +11210,I KEEP MESSING THINGS UP ALL DAY EVERY DAY THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT PEOPEL WILL HATE ME I WILL SAY TOO MUCH AND THEY WILL HATE ME THEY WILL ALWAYS DO FUCK YOU I FUCKIGN HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD WHY THE FUCK CAN I SOCIALIZE WITH PEOPLE,Suicidal +11211,"So awhile ago my friend tried to kill himself with a bullet to the brain, and hes since made a full recovery. I have not seen him since it happened, but people say hes different. I am absolutely terrified of seeing him again, I do not know why but there is a pit in my stomach. I do not know what they mean when they say different. Can someone please help? Its causing me a lot of feelings . I feel horrible for not wanting to see him . I am going to try and see him but I have no idea why I am scared. My friend tried to kill himself",Depression +11212,"A HS friend of mine passed away recently and I am going to a Celebration of Life next week. I found out her death via my HS best friend who I have not talked to in about 5-6 and there is so many people going I have not talked to since we graduated. We really grew apart and I went though a very difficult time with alcoholism and I obviously came out a very different person and my anxiety has gotten to the point where I am not sure how I am going to react being in a crowded space A lot of friends have changed too. 2 have come out as trans, my HS best friend came out as non-binary. I have no problem with that, but I am so scared of misgendering/using their dead names and my anxiety is making it worse. A want to go but my anxiety is eating my alive and my fiance cannot/will not attend so my safety net is out of the picture as well. any advice would be helpful Seeing my old friends after not talking for 6 years",Depression +11213,"What I would be interested in is why suicide is so taboo. Why is it perceived as weak. Why should one be considerate of one's relatives. What if it is exactly the right thing for you. We should listen to our inner voice. What if our body and mind wants to tell us, this world is not for you. Let go and find your peace. I would love to let go. But I am so indoctrinated that I am not allowed to do that and my family and friends will suffer. I should seek professional help. My feeling is that my death would be a relief for me What if suicide is exactly the right thing to do",Suicidal +11214,After every wrong things I have done i always say sorry but now a special person in my life is tired of me asking or saying sorry. Is there still something i can do? My life will never be the same as before,Depression +11215,"Hi. I really have not done a post before, so this is my first time. But that being said I am kind of struggling. I have been feeling kind of worthless, but I want to do stuff to help others. My grades are doing terribly, and I am taking five summer classes to try and get more hours and pull up my grades. Also, my parents are living overseas with two of my little brothers, and the other little (21 year old) brother, J, is living with me in the house that my parents are letting us use. I only just started getting migraines this year due to stress. Within the last three weeks, my car is broken down, and I have had to use my parents nice car; I had to quit my job at my next door neighbors house so that I could take care of summer classes; I started falling behind on some of my online class work because I had to take care of the house as my brother now only seems to care about our pets and his job and his video games - we have zero clean dishes left, and low on laundry, and I had to spray for cockroaches as we live in the woods and they decided to come to visit yesterday.The other day I spent about 2.5 hours cleaning the bathroom that he uses if he finally agreed to do the dishes. He did, but its been about a week and they still are not done - because he has not touched them, and has only added to them. I have not been in touch as much with my mom because I have been so crazy busy trying to take care of everything else. J got the Covid vaccine, which would have been fine and I would be thrilled for and proud of him actually doing something good in his life, except he did not tell me he got it until after he got it and it was feeling horribly sick and nauseated. I was trying to take care of him, but then he was talking about how I was not doing enough. The day before yesterday, my brain had a temporary disconnect from reality, due to the amount of stress, where I felt like I was in limbo, and everything was spacey, and nothing felt real. Then I got an asthma attack and a migraine after taking the dog out for a run. Finally I texted my mom to let her know a light version of what is going on, because she is my mom, and you expect your mom to at least be there for you. Yesterday, I tried to do a group chat with my mom talking about what was going on. What happened next was is she blamed it on my stress of school and she just took Js side rather than actually hearing and listening to what I had to say, and saying that I was not being supportive enough towards him, and then I just needed to let everything go and forget about the dishes, and the stress, and my emotional problems and focus on him which, while I understood her reasoning, really hurt and made me feel even more kind of worthless.. I was so frustrated, that I backed out of the group chat and said I needed to leave to finish homework. Insert on the kitchen chair for a bit and cried. And then the fermenting plastic containers of peaches,from bout three or four days ago, that my brother forgot to tell me about but put in plastic bags on the floor (I thought it was just cans of food that he was going to give to our neighbors since that is what he would told me), exploded all over the kitchen floor, creating a very sticky mess that I am going to have to clean up. And I just feel worthless right now, and uncared for, and small, and kind of burdened down right now. I am not trying to burden anybody else with my problems, but I do not know who else to talk to, since no one else is willing to listen. Not sure what to do.",Depression +11216,"I understand that mood swings come and go and nobody should hastily choose death. Life has alot to offer and bad things are a part of life but this has been a life in black and white for at least 14 years. Even if I recovered. I cannot forget what happened Everything feels fake. I cannot take it no more and all IS exhausted. Nothing wrong with my life right now. I have achieved what I wanted. I could work this job for 40 years. it is not my body. I can easily ride distances up to 200km in a day. Sometimes you cannot fix people. There is something wrong in my head. I do not want to continue, I hate every second I have to exist. I do not want to. Why cannot I choose to stop existing? Why is it illegal for me to die. I do not want to be found dead in my apartment. I do not want to because anybody harm. I do not want to continue. If I could somehow manage to because irreversible chain of events to force me. I do not know, I am tired. Maybe fire. I want to die dignified",Suicidal +11217,"Hi, I diagnosed with depression a few years ago and have attempted to commit suicide a few times before and luckily all of them failed. I am still undergo therapy in these challenging times (online) and it seems to get better. I still have suicidal tendencies but the frequency is not as much.I do not have much friends because I have a weird behaviour and some people do not like that I am someone with mental health issue. I like to make jokes to make people happy, when I see people happy, I become happy. But sadly not everyone like my jokes. I do not make any offensive jokes but some of my jokes can be lame at times. For example, that movie was ""Egg""celent !. Some people really do like it and genuinely laugh.I also asked a lot of questions regarding social life and it seems to make some people annoyed and complained about me. The questions I ask are simple questions such as ""Do you think my shirt is alright to go to the event ?"". But people can ask me a lot of question regarding ukulele but no one ever said anything about it ! I once lash out before that why you guys get angry when I ask questions when I answer all of your questions politely. They replied with my questions all the ukulele questions are ""good questions"" and my questions are all ""stupid"" questions.There are cases too where people seen me entering or exiting a mental health facilities and people became uncomfortable with me, saying I am very dangerous. There are times where when I go somewhere in an event. The parents shield their small child away from me . I never heard anyone before and this really make sad at times.I have been with seven groups of friends across five years and all of them end up badly. It is always the game event. One or two people in the group dislike me , and other group member begin to exclude me in everything to maintain the group harmony.I do not have any friends now, and my family are miles away and I cannot travel back due to the pandemic travel restriction. I begin to hallucinate imaginary friends recently like I make two lunch and imagine I am talking to someone across the table, I am not sure if this is healthy.Recently my therapist got Covid and we will not have sessions for at least a month. She is getting well and just need some rest. How do I overcome the feeling of always being hated by one person in a group, thus making any group relationship almost impossible.",Depression +11218,"there is this guy on whom my bestfriend had a crush on and genuinely i did not find anything attracting in him and years went by, she got new crushes and stuff and there was this day where i just remember him randomly and this was not just for hours, it went on for months. He is the only thing on my mind and that is when i realized i have fallen bad for this dude and yeah, we spoke and i confessed but neither he wanted to date nor me because the age difference is 4 years smth but it is been a year and i still have not moved on from him. Everytime i tryna imagine a perfect guy in the whole damn world, it is only him i can think of. how tf am i supposed to move on :"") that dream guy of mine",Depression +11219,"Someone to dedicate their entire life to saving you? Someone to take on your sadness in their empathy? Why cannot suicidal us be happy with people continuing to live their lives as normal? If they check in every day is that enough? there is only so many pep talks someone can give when you say you are suicidal, so you start lying and say you are fine. No one is fixing you because no one can. I guess it feels like no one cares because we do not care about ourselves anymore, and that is scary. Unpopular opinion: What does the suicidal mind even want when it says no one cares?",Suicidal +11220,"I moved to his country a year ago after I finished my education (Msc in computer science). it is really on the countryside and it turned out that there is zero need for my skill set. Nobody here cares about software, they do not know what they should put me to and everyone tells me to ""just work with something else"". After applying for jobs and being in a foreign country for eight months hearing about how I should work with something else than software; the depression hit like a hammer. I have take a software job now in my home country and I am going to move back in two months. But right now those two months feel like....... Never ending. I love my bf deeply but I honestly do not know what I am saying anymore. I just want to get away. I want to be alone so I do not hurt him more. I just say something. I say ""sorry"" even I do not truly mean it because I know that is what I am supposed to say. I say ""I do not care about your mother or your family"" and ""I do not care about how you feel"". it is completely fucked up. I am shocked about myself saying these words when I think back. Everyday I am angry at him, everyday something is wrong, everyday is negativity. Yet, he is just loving and caring. I just do not feel anything. Everything is numb. I cry all the time. His family is here at the moment and everyone can clearly see I am fucked up. Next week we are travelling to see my family and it is going to be the same: ""What happened to her?""How do I survive those two months? I feel like the light is when I start to work and move back in two months. But how do I show affection to him? How do I keep this relationship going? I love him. I just hate this place. he is willing to move later on, he just cannot now. I [F29] treat my bf [M29] like shit because of my depression",Depression +11221,I am 19 (M) Its 6am and I have work soon. I cannot sleep and I have not but this is not like me. I have been up all night with the same thoughts running through my mind you should kill yourself who cares how you feel its not like you are important shut up shut the fuck up and stop being a bitch I do not know what to do anymore. Every day feels the same and nothing gets better. I have felt this way since I was in 7th grade and now its to a point where I genuinely do not think I am worth anything. I feel so broken and lost all I can do is cry and think of how terrible I am. Its every day these thoughts of hating myself run on replay in my mind. I have no emotional support from my family or friends and I cannot afford therapy. This shit hurts so bad and I cannot tell if I am actually depressed or just full of self pity. Oh my god it hurts so much and I cannot get out of this hole. I know I am better than this and can overcome it. If you met me in person you would have no idea I felt this way. This probably sounds the same as every other person who is reached out for help on Reddit but all I think about is how much better off I would be dead and its not how I want to be. Could somebody please help me see the light and how much better things could be. I feel nothing but emotional pain and always hate myself for any small thing I do. I just want to overcome this and not end up taking my own life. I really need someone right now,Depression +11222,"When I do not take my meds, I harm others, I harm myself. Deep down I feel like it is just who I am. A nasty person. A narcissist with no compassion.Monday I tried to hang myself because I could not bear the situation anymore. I wanted the easy way out to avoid harming any more people and also avoid being harmed by people.When I got down from the chair to hang, for some reason I just could not kill myself. It was bit of a mess because I could not get back on the chair easily, my legs were shaking too much like I no longer had control on my lower body. I really thought I was going to die and I did not really mind, it was more a case of "" well too bad if I do not get back on that chair in time "". I managed to get back on the chair, it took a hell lot of muscle strength. I did anyway.It deterred me from trying again till today. I feel so miserable and nasty. I just need another way to end things. Maybe a faster way. I am a despicable person.",Suicidal +11223,"How do people deal with loneliness when depressed?I am extroverted and anxiously attached, so going for periods of time without socialising has a big impact on my mood. When I am with my friends, i notice a positive impact on my mood that lingers for a few days afterwards. I know for a lot of people who I know personally, it is the opposite, where they withdraw and do not want to speak with anyone.With it being summer, a lot of my friends are travelling to other cities on the weekends to visit other friends in the UK, or going on mini breaks with their partners. Usually I see them on week nights, but this week both my friends who I was due to see cancelled for various reasons, which has left me alone for the whole week. Then I also live alone.This loneliness is eating me up and worsening my depression. I find myself constantly ringing people for some human interaction and feel like I am burdening people at this point. How do other people cope with Loneliness when depressed? Depression and Loneliness",Depression +11224,"So today I did not feel like playing basketball and my brother law decided to not tell me we were going to play basketball so we ended up picking up his buddies along the way and went to the park.I sat in the bleachers since they were talking plus I do not like talking so ended feeling left out.Then I started thinking what if I am not good because there were other people at the court.So I was demotivated a bit and just felt like sitting and doing nothing.Anyways I was tired and did not know I was coming.So I ended up play with my brother,brother-in-law,and his 2 cousins.Everytime I had to guard bil I would not try because I know hes better since hes more active.So in order to prevent myself from looking bad from the other people at the basketball courts(4 half courts btw).I decided to only try when I had the ball and not try on defense.When I do good having the ball I do not shoot it but I feel like I was doing good because I was passing and prevented myself from getting the ball taken away.But I would be prideful and say things like, too slow Zach bil btw.Hes like me but more calmer when saying it but basically says more.I do not know I just feel angry and sad sometimes but mostly nothing.I am only happy if I go out or get something. Why do I get jealous of others being good?Am I Bipolar,Numb,Severely sleep deprived?",Depression +11225,I am so tired of myself for hurting the people around me unconsciously especially my girlfriend.I am tired of seeing her get hurt because of my actions.I tried to make myself better for her sake. I think i have a problem... How can i stop hurting the people around me,Depression +11226,"I just want to die I think when I get ahold of my sleeping pills I am going to just go and see I people care but it will be thier problem to fix not mine, I just hope my dog is not here when I do go, I just miss the simple things now I am up all night and morning just thinking about the worst things I can and how I fucked it all up and how they do not even want to sleep next to me and how I just want to die and never fucking look back at these people they hurt me but I only have them so where am I supposed to go what am I supposed to do I just know no ones going to read this or my other one but I just needed someone to know I am like going to try and kill myself sooner rather than later I just hope my dad does not blame himself, I will be with you soon my brother, just wait a little longer for me and I will be by your side again, it is a shame we never got to meet but I did try my hardest to see you I just want some kind of help any kind of help I do not know if I should just disappear and see how people react because I know the person I am living with rn will not notice until I do not respond for months",Suicidal +11227,"Summary: I felt great but then I called the cops on my friend for sexual assault (some nsfw) which they took extremely seriously and I do not want to go to court. Then my cat died and I am in pain. I think my friend filmed my family in the toilet, there is lots of evidence to suggest he did. My mum told me not to call the police but I am stubborn and ignored her, I thought I was doing the right thing that maybe him being on record would help future victims and that if he has any content uploaded they could find it. The police interviewed me and I told them how he used to send me porn and how I think it might be connected due to the genre. At that the police seemed concerned and went outside to contact the sergeant. They said him sending me porn was another offence they would need to investigate. I panicked and insisted it was not a big deal that I was not bothered it was just a joke, I just thought there may be some connection. They said they need to contact the CID and that this is really serious. I am so scared, I cannot go to court, I have serious anxiety and depressive problems. All I wanted was for them to tell him off basically and put him on record, not this. This has gone way too far. Before the police left the constable told me I was doing the right thing and that I was brave. I do not think I am though, my friend could go to prison because of me! I hate myself so much right now. Later on my mum was driving me home and she told me my cat died. She was hit by a car which killed her instantly. I sobbed the whole way home. My mum kept her in the freezer and I needed to see because I was having a hard time believing it. She was cold and curled up like she was asleep. I sat there stroking her fur and crying. I feel like its my fault. We moved to the city near a busy road and since she kept escaping we decided to let her go outside. I was told I could send her to live with my father but I said no because he was abusive and mistreated her so I thought she would be safer with my mum. I moved away recently and could have brought her over but did not. I said the roads might be busy but I was far away from the road. And now she is dead. Its all my fault. I loved her and I am never going to see her again. And you know what is weird I actually felt really happy a few days ago, like really happy and confident, I was energetic and laughing and dancing about. Turns out that was the day my cat died which I did not know about. The next day is when I called the police because I felt so confident like nothing was going to go wrong. Its like I am not supposed to be happy, like every time I think I am on top of everything a string of things go wrong somehow. I thought about killing myself just to end it all so I do not have to deal with more loss or with going to court. I want to live and I want to be happy but I am so scared and do not think I can do it I really need help right now because everything is going wrong",Depression +11228,I have 9 more shud i take more. I am tired of all the uncertainties took 11 500mg tablets of paracetamol. what now?,Suicidal +11229,"I am not looking for attention or something like that, I really need help, I have been procrastinating on everything I need to do for myself and my future for a long time, I am not motivated by anything, and I feel like League of Legends has become an addiction for me, my mother. He died 2 months ago and I still cannot assimilate it, since because of the covid19 I could not attend the funerals or the hospital, I use marijuana and cocaine every weekend, and according to what I have read, they are one of the things that take me away the motivation to emerge, I seek no attention and never occupy reddit before, I am translating this with google translate, I really need help I am a 20 yo guy who is lost",Depression +11230,"I had a pretty bad mental breakdown last week, and my psych (whom I really trust) added two things to my treatment.I am on Bupropion 300mg which I love.She also gave me Eszoplicone for sleeping (worked but it made me very tired). I used to take zolpidem but my anxiety was so bad it would not work. This worked but I still slept terribly, waking up every two hours, vivid dreams, drowsy brain, etc.She also gave me an anti psychotic (Abilify). My experience in the past with them has been quite bad. I took quetiapine and one week later I told her I never wanted it again. I have experience **the** worst feelings when I took anti psychotics.I also read they are not so common to treat depression and anxiety and seem to be given more to people with well... psychosis? But I am not the expert so I do want to give it a try. I feel my anxiety is still pretty bad during the day, so if this would help it would be great. I am not asking for medical advice obviously, but just some general thoughts or your experiences to calm me down before I take it.Also, I never asked my psych if I should take them before or after the antidepressants. I plan on texting her when it is a bit later.The magic of mental illnesses ~ A bit scared to start taking anti-psychotics. Anyone with experiences?",Depression +11231,"If my biological parents are the reason I want to die so fucking badly I will seek them out and murder them for bringing me into this world. If you know you have mental issues try to not have children but if it cannot be helped (e.g. accident, forced) then do not fucking abandon your children! It leads to disconnect from foster or adoptive parents and the child will suffer. Thanks biological parents wherever the fuck you are, I hate you Genetics (vent)",Suicidal +11232,"Hi I am 24 years old and i feel very empty since 1 year. It seems i cannot get joy out of anything i used to kind of feeling robotic. I cannot seem to laugh and things, my humour faded away and do not feel like hang out and talking to my friends i used. does anybody know what this is I am really trying get out of it but its really hard What is this?",Depression +11233,"I have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety since the 3rd grade (I am going into 10th now), I have not been suicidal in months, I even posted my old self harm scars a couple hours ago. But jist after that, I became severely suicidal really quickly. I have even considered cutting again. I just want to know what i need to do to get help without waking my entire family up. I have relapsed",Suicidal +11234,"I have been eating a lot less recently and when I do eat I eat healthy stuff and not a lot. But I drink lots of water, so I am fasting. But things have been getting worse and now I am just losing my appetite everyday and even if I am hungry I have gotten to the point where i hardly even let myself eat anymore. Also I have been trying to talk to my friend but it feels like she just ignores me. She always leaves me on delivered for a day or more even if she is the one to start the conversation. And my feelings for her have just been growing more and more and it is really getting on my nerves holding everything back. I want to talk to her but as soon as I get a reply from her I feel really anxious and do not know what to do then regret even starting the conversation not because I do not like its just because I am so anxious. I tried to stop watching porn but now I think I am watching it more than before and then afterwards I feel really really bad and disgisted in myself and just look down on myself for the next 30 minutes. I am falling into a worse depression than I have ever been in and now I constantly playout how I would kill myself in my mind before I go to sleep and everytime I think of her. I do not know what to do. As I thought it was getting better",Depression +11235,"I am 25 yrs old (F) and I suffer from depression and anxiety. It just seems like life just has it out for me and I am falling deeper and deeper into this depressive state. I feel like I am being swallowed up whole and there just is not anything that I can do about it. It does not help either that I bottle up all my emotions and then turn around and cry myself to sleep every night bc of how horrible I feel about myself. Like somehow everything and anything bad that has happened to me is somehow my fault and that I deserve it. I truly feel that I do not deserve to be happy or that I am worthy enough to be loved in any kind of way.None of my best friends really understand the pain I have been feeling nor have any of them cared to connect the dots that I disconnected myself from all of my social media platforms. I do not blame tho, I get that everyone else is just living their lives but it would be nice for someone to notice that I am not myself anymore and have not been for a long time. Although I feel so alone, I do have one person in my life that I can always turn to and that would be my dad. Yet, I am ashamed to admit to him how low I feel all the time and that what I am feeling is far beyond my own personal control at this point. I also do not want him to know bc somehow I am afraid he will resent me for not being more strong minded like himself. Falling deeper",Depression +11236,Anyone relate? I feel so happy I could just hang myself,Suicidal +11237,"It really bugs me. I hate it when someone says it will get better or you are family will miss you when I have already said I do not care about that multiple times. The only reason to not kill myself is survival instinct and the possibility of survival. Everything else does not fucking matter because of how death works. I wish I could just accept the help but it just does not do anything for me. Its like if I say I am an atheist and someone says you will go to hell it does not work. I hate how much people hate talking about death. I hate how people are just allowed to stop you from dying if you want to. I get so unreasonably angry at people trying to help, or at least blurting out the same 5 responses",Suicidal +11238,"I am ready. I have been ready for a while but put it aside because i always thought at least one person cared. now I am sure nobody cares, i want to end it. i want to finally go through with it, i was ready 5 years ago but someone new and special came into my life. she does not care anymore, she is moved on, they all have. i knew i was all alone but did not want to face the truth. but now I am ready, I am ready for whatever comes after life. this is it, these are my last words. goodbye done.",Suicidal +11239,"have not talked to anyone in weeks. Need someone just to chat. I want to really talk to someone, the people in my life are afterthoughts (both ways as I have shelled myself to the point they just disregarded me, friends and family alike) so honestly just want to meet someone. Talk for a while, tell me why you are on this sub Reddit. I am a good listener, I just want to be there for someone. Maybe that way Ill find someone who will be there for me who knows. Looking for anyone to talk",Suicidal +11240,I just feel so horrible deep inside I want to just die all day long. I do not have friends and never had any because of my fucked up mental illnesses including social anxiety which is literally the worst thing anyone could have i would not wish it on my worst enemy. I also have an extremely low self esteem that is so hard to deal with looking in the mirror is the worst feeling. I cannot go anywhere with the feeling of looking like a deformed human in the back of my mind haunting me. I turn 19 soon and I am going to be alone as always which is so sad and I cannot take it anymore. I try to get in a relationship but I am embarrassed because I am the most boring pathetic human that walks on this earth. I self harm because my life is so sad and I am just done being garbage I want to die so badly I can only take so much M 18 I am done being sad and alone 24/7,Suicidal +11241,I cannot do this anymore. I am done,Suicidal +11242,"I have had ocd for about 2 months but it has been going downhill so fast that it caused me to get depressive symptoms, hence the sub I am on, I know I need help and I reached for help but the next time I meet my therapist is in fucking September, I have some suicidal thoughts but I just do not want to die, the sheer stress I am under because of ocd makes my life so hard, I just want my life to be like in the good old days, when my life was not so bad, one thing that I really hope would help are anti depressants or serotonin thingys, I do not want to die, not now, not this young. I just want help",Depression +11243,My friend just had the I am worried about you talk with me and I feel like an asshole I hate this feeling that never leaves I feel so bad,Suicidal +11244,"Hey, I am a newer user on Reddit but sadly, NOT new to mental health. Amongst my mental health issues are lots of variables at play including co-morbidity such as OCD, GAD, PTSD, Bi-Polar but at the end of the day, no matter what treatments I received, (therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists), the depression became treatment resistant. So far the best years of my life were the last year of high school and all of my twenties. Unfortunately I had to make a bunch of very difficult decisions that all seems to happen at once. , my car got totalled with me in it (thank you fxcking Nissan Pathfinder trying to turn right from a left lane and took my Mazda along with him. I am not ashamed to mention that I have been raped in the past. Of course there is more but I think that is a good first step.One thing though, lately ( and if you knew me well you would think ""what the hell happened to her?"") I am dealing with a lot of. My 30's were by far the WORST. Vancouver is the best metropolis in Canada.Have any of you been able Major Depressive Disorder and Hello! (First Post)",Depression +11245,"I am tired of life. But i will not end my life. Why? I do not have a positive or uplifting reason. I do not want to burden people with the consequences of my passing. I would rather be able to erase my existence. To simply dissipate like a wisp of mist. No one remembers me, so no one has to be sad I am gone, or angry and why I am gone, or judge me for how I go. I could simply go, move on to whatever comes next with no consequences to those around me. I wish to be like mist.",Depression +11246,I am not feeling ok and ion think i will stay in this world for long I cannot keep up Ugh,Depression +11247,"But I really, *really* want to. I am so sick and tired of being sad and tired all the time. I am broken. Incapable of crying",Depression +11248,Society is against people on the autism spectrum and mental health issues and psychological issues. we are surrounded by a bunch a fucking nazis. They blame us for everything and say everything is our fault because they are trying to destroy us psychologically because they want us to kill ourselves. it is just psychological warfare because society and the governments hates people like us. I get extremely angry and suicidal because I am surrounded by a hateful society,Suicidal +11249,"gets me closer and closer to ending it.i already have learned a few methods of suicide and places where i could kill myself. I have also learned times that i could do it and etc. I am seriously on the edge. whenever i talk about my feelings with my boyfriend he starts sobbing, and i feel horrible about it. when i talk about it with my dad he also gets really upset. i feel like i cannot talk about it to anyone, they will just have to see what was inside of my mind when i end it.i wish i was perfect every time i see a pretty girl i die a bit inside",Suicidal +11250,"I never have experienced any sort of trauma or abuse in my life, I am just so far gone already, I have attempted many times and recently got out of a mental hospital, I am so far into a self destructive spiral that I cannot have an okay anymore, nothing is ever just alright, there is always an end to it. I just want to sleep, I am so tired, I want to go home again. Where did I go wrong",Suicidal +11251,"I always have been. First i was the clown which was annoying af for some years, tho i was funny. When i realised i was making everyone hate me i became a very introvert socially awkard idiot who cannot make jokes anymore. Today i was in a Camp with some friends and my room mate and another guy from another room went home, so it is 2 days I am saying that I will go in a room with 2 Friends, and when they left another guy took my place seconds before i arraived and everyone said it is ok because they prefered him. I asked others of i could join their room and they said no. So here i am, i finally decided it is the right fucking time to just isolate myself and never try to make any friends at all, since i suck at the sport i play and i list my ability to be funny and i never had the ability of being likeable. I hate being the least favorite friend",Depression +11252,"I am sorry I wanted to break the cycle of abuse I was born intoI'm sorry I thought it was a good idea to want a family of my ownI'm sorry I tried to create that family. Not once, not twice but 3 timesI'm sorry I did not keep my blonde hair and blue eyes after I was born and I am sorry that my father hated me for itI'm sorry I have such a hard time knowing how to love, love is not in my memories I am sorry I am a victim and I am sorry I have also been the villainI'm sorry I still cannot let goI'm sorry for those who ever have to deal with me. I know it must be like waiting on the dead.I am sorry I still have hopeI'm sorry I still want to tryI'm sorry I still want to know what it feels like to actually be lovedI'm sorry I cannot seem to find that love within myself I am sorry for everything I am sorry For what it is worth, I am sorry",Depression +11253,"Well, I guess I am nearing the end now. Sometime within the next 3 years I hope, I will be dead. I have started cutting my friends off and mentally preparing for when it comes. After all, if I have nothing to fall back on, then I will just attempt again naturally and one of those will be my last.When I try thinking about actually killing myself, a million thoughts run my mind. What happens after? Where do we go? What will my family think? Especially the uncertainty after death, is keeping me alive. Maybe we reincarnate, and maybe I will end up luckier than this life. I am supposed to live until 80, yet how am I to survive that long if I cannot even think about living to see adulthood? 4 years until I turn 18, but everyday feels like an entire lifetime of pain, I am supposed to live 66 more years of this?None of it feels worth it, I have become so lethargic that getting out of bed to eat has become a hard task. Nothing feels necessary, at least for my life. Even if I had some kind of prophecy to fill, what do I receive, what is the point? Is it the journey, could it be salvation? Because if this is the path they gave me, it better be some heavenly reward.Sometimes I wish I could not have the power to reason, to think. But I think the life of an animal to be even more monotonous and bland than my own. So I am stuck between being able to reason and think about my thoughts, but having a vivid and unique life; and having an almost mindless and empty life. Though that does not mean an animal would care, they just do what they are meant to, survive. Sometimes that is what I wish I can do, like at a flick of a switch. Isolate and live as if I were only living to live and survive, not having to think. Unfortunately, that is not a life society sees to be useful or productive, so I hope to be reborn as an animal of the sea. While it does not matter what I think now, I would like to be born as a dolphin as opposed to a lion, the ocean is vastly mysterious and unexplored; land is mostly explored and uninteresting(to me).My death will probably be a while away, but it brings me peace to plan and prepare for when the day comes. For now, I guess I am sticking around. That is all, Thank you. Isolation, planning, and life after death.",Suicidal +11254,so far my quickest option is just getting hit by a train right by my house. what are some quick methods.,Suicidal +11255,Does anybody else joke about their depression so that people around you do not stress or worry about your mental state?or is that just me? Is this relatable?,Depression +11256,i DID IT I ATE A FULL MEAL TODAY I ATE EVERTING ON MY PLATE WITY APETITE I ACTUALLY DID IT OH MG GOD NYJFDJDDJJWJWJWJWJAJAJAKAKKALALAKAKAJSNENENENNENDND I FUVKING DID TI,Depression +11257,I have a question for those who tried to kill themself and died for a few seconds. Did you see anything? Did you see your dead relatives? Or is just nothing? Heaven exist?,Suicidal +11258,"here is something I wrote to just kind of express how I am feeling, felt like sharing. There a person inside of me, He wants out but he cannot break that wall, His cries are loud and ever apparent, The desperation to rise above myself is paralyzing, Enclosused, imprisoned, repression, depression, Hope is lost, hope is gained, day in day out, Disassociation and confusion, Is it worth it? Am I strong enough to let go? Am I weak enough to hold on? Am I part of something bigger? Am I a prisoner of something smaller? Can I say the words in my head? Do they ring hallow? Am I spinning out of control? Maybe I am asking the wrong questions, Maybe there is no right questions, Maybe there are no right answers, Maybe I am subjective, Maybe my purpose is purposeless, Will these words be enough? Can I ride above myself? I want to break out, replace this person with something better, it is not a cry for help, it is plead for affirmation Just tell me I am not alone Just tell me I am okay Just tell me I am okay Please tell me I am okay Had to get it out somehow",Depression +11259,"My only wish is to get hit by a car. Or any kind of accident that can put an end to my life. Every time I hear about a group of people dying from accidents/ disasters on the news, I wish that had been me instead. Take my life instead of those who love their life. My only wish is to get hit by a car.",Suicidal +11260,I am 13 lost my cousin/best friend we talked on phone FaceTimed played video games stayed up late until morning and etc I lost him and ever since March. 12 I have been so depressed and my mom is not getting me a therapist until September When will this pain stop,Depression +11261,"Hi there. At one point in my life not so long ago, I was worried that I lacked all drive. I had no desire to do anything, to improve, to go forward. I thought that I was doomed to apathy.Now, my issue is a little different. I wanted to have desires, and I got them. Finally, I have goals and hopes and dreams. But I cannot seem to pursue them. I cannot sit down and do work. I cannot focus. I cannot get the will to make even one small move towards where I want to be, and in many ways, this is worse than not having any drive at all. I feel like a climber who wants to hike a mountain so *badly*, but my mind holds me back from ever taking that first step.And this is not really a motivation thing. I can tell myself a thousand times that I need to start going, and I just cannot. Something is holding me back, and it feels like there is a part of me missing, some crucial element that would actually allow me to take part in life normally.Any advice, experience, or anecdotes are welcome. Thanks for reading. Dreams Without Execution",Depression +11262,"I have decided after my 19th birthday (August) Id like to die. I am waiting because I want one last celebration with my family before I go. I am dead set on my decision and there is no changing that. I have picked out where but now just unsure as to how. I am scared of doing it myself so, I was wondering if its possible to pay someone to do the job for me? If not, Ill find a way. I am so sick of this world and everyone in it. I just want to be at peace. Can I hire someone to kill me?",Depression +11263,"What I say to them: I am fine, thanks. And yourself?what is actually going on: let us see. My mental health is so fucking out of control that I do not know who I am anymore. I keep watching things for motivation, only to end up more depressed because in my mind, I must not be doing enough. I have not worked since the end of 2019 and developed agoraphobia last year because of the pandemic. I am so afraid and get irrationally nervous every time I leave my room. My last remaining grandma died last week, I cannot afford to make it to her funeral tomorrow that is literally 1,000 miles away from me. My friends that I trusted are both gone. they have both abandoned me and I hate myself because it seems like I just cannot win. I see progress from other people which makes me question myself for hours on end, wondering what I am doing wrong. I wake up with a black cloud over my head that seems to constantly follow me everywhere. I cannot get this life thing right and honestly I am so tired of trying. I will stick to the I am fine because people do not want to hear the truth. They do not care. I hate when people ask me how I am doing.",Depression +11264,and it feels like they are right. they are right. I am never going to be good enough. they are right. Men should die. Men are worthless. Men are trash. do not deserve rights. Men make womens lives worse. Men are bad people. and every other iteration of that sentiment. I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try. women hate men so much,Suicidal +11265,"Like da fuq is on the other side? big mystery. so have been really tempted to off myself to find out recently Ngl, if i kill myself now, its going to be from curiousity.",Suicidal +11266,"I am 35 years old, and I threw my desktop keyboard at my monitor and broke both. I did this because I was playing a videogame and I did not finish the level I needed to in the correct amount of time.I did it because I got mad other people can finish the level so easily but I cannot seem to.I never feel good enough, and I think it stems from my father for 18 years telling me I am never good enough. Now I never know if I see myself as unworthy because its true or I am conditioned to believe it. I am a grown man with the emotions of a child.",Depression +11267,"I am so tired . The worst part of this disease is that there is never a bottom. Everytime you think you have reached the worst level of this you unearth an entire new lower level of depression. I want to go home . that is all I keep telling myself, but home is not here . Home is not here on earth . Its somewhere else . I feel like I do not belong on this planet . I hate being here so much . I have missed work a lot lately because everything seems pointless, the depression is unbearable now. I want to kill myself so bad . I want to go home . No one knows how bad this shit is . No one knows how unbearable this is . All I can say these days is I want to go home. I want to go home. that is it. that is all I got left in me, that is all I can tell you at this point . I hate it here.",Depression +11268,"Hey there!I am 20(m), When i was young like in school & highschool, i never ever tried living my life to the fullest, did not enjoy my life like others. I never had any friends, though i tried but could not because of my introvert nature. Now i want to go back & relive my life to the fullest.I am feeling extremely lonely..Is there any way possible? Why is this happening to me?",Depression +11269,"Even in death I will always be stuck with me, but at least no one else will be. I may burn in hell or whatever else awaits me, but I know when I am gone I cannot hurt anyone else. that is all that matters. I am so ready to go. I have been ready for decades. I cannot wait for this to finally be over. I will never get away from myself",Suicidal +11270,If you knew me you would see me smiling or talking about how hard time working to get through my mental struggles but honestly what is the point? All of the news makes it seem like the literal end of the world will be coming in the next 10 years which means I am going to see my young children go through this and it just breaks my heart and terrifies me on so many levels. Yes I try to live it moment by moment but looking at the world headlines makes me feel like covid never is going to end and the environmental is completely fucked which makes me ask again what is the actual point to all of this?! What is the point of all of this?,Suicidal +11271,i planned to kill myself 5 days ago but i could not. now I am suffering with the consequences. i feel like i cannot do anything and my whole life is passing by without me being there. i feel so helpless yet nothing at the same time. i was supposed to die 5 days ago,Suicidal +11272,"that is it. no matter how much i rest or how much i try to change, I am always tired. not only physically but of everything else, and I am really tired of being myself and being defective and living my life. I am about to enter senior year (after a long summer break where all i did was nothing) and i do not think i can handle life anymore. all i want is for everything to be over, seriously. I am done. I am tired",Suicidal +11273,"I am honestly just really sick of it all. i know people have it worse and honestly that makes me feel worse too. i feel like life's punching bag, i feel like every time i start to get over something it gives me a brand new sob story. its tiring, I have never caught a break and no one seems to be able to tell how horrible things get for me. its not just bad days these things turn into months and years. the worst part about it is that i was not even given a fair playing ground to begin with. no matter how hard i look back i feel like I have always felt different. not in the edgy ""i like sports and hate dresses"" way but in the way where there was something just... off. like no matter how hard i try to be like how I am sure I am supposed to i never feel like everything is quite right. there is always something out of place but it is not tangible so i cannot fix it. even in my most enjoyable and carefree moments there is a slight feeling that holds me back, that I am reminded of right before i have fun. it never goes away and i have no idea what it is. maybe that is just how life feels and I am just crazy and think there is something that is not there. maybe it is just my anxiety or depression like people keep telling me. maybe its just puberty, idk!! it just feels like I am not experiencing life the way others do, and not like in the way where i do not go out or something, but like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. i feel crazy and i do not know why i cannot just live my life like everyone else, why it feels like there is always an extra step for me, like i need to try harder for the same results even if I am technically not doing anything at all. this feels separate from my anxiety and depression but no one else seems to think so. they do not get it because they are not feeling it. my mom is going to arrange yet another meeting with my doctors to figure out what is wrong with me again so i can go on meds again. I am scared they will make me go really crazy like my last ones did but it is whatever because i know going on them would make her feel better for me. i just wish she would get out of my room. you relapse and self harm really bad ONE TIME two months ago suddenly you need to be supervised at all times. they act like i cannot find shit to hurt myself with at school, it is honestly making that seem like a fun option. whatever i just hope i can figure out what is wrong with my brain. thanks for reading all this. :| I am slightly off",Suicidal +11274,"pain.anguish, even.suffering, may i add. the memes are not doing it anymore and i have officially ran out of ways to mask my mental state. lol we sufferin' i must be LMFAO cuz everyday i be suff-f-f-f-fering",Depression +11275,"I wish it was only physical and emotional, because the cognitive symptoms are disempowering and frankly terrifying. In particular, my critical reasoning, communication, comprehension, and fine motor skills are slowed. This literally affects my ability to read, write and do arithmetic. I am on Yaz but if I miss a pill, its like spinning the Symptom Roulette Wheel. Cognitive PMDD symptoms",Depression +11276,"Nobody cares anyways. there is a huge social help system but it is worthless if get you pushed from door to door endlessly. Never would I had believe that those few problems could block my whole life. I have no power, no actions that I could take. Fuck Germany, fuck the people here. Nobody is really nice, nobody cares about you and those Muslims are like animals. Fuck this world, bye I am done",Suicidal +11277,"I really do not know where to begin. I am 38 years old and on my second marriage (this will be explained in detail) This marriage also includes a 6 year child (that is not mine by blood but I still claim as my own). I am feeling really down right now and there has not been anything that can lift me up as I keep finding shit that brings me down. I am really trying to find to positive side of things but it just has not been possible. Now, here is a long story of why I just cannot seem to get a break...My first marriage was medicare at first. I honestly did not want to be with her but she won me over and I married her.. We had many years of happiness and life events (buying house, cars, etc). I ended up losing my job and joining the army to make ends meet and try to progress our status in life. I was gone from home for at least a year for training then another 6 months for orders due to premobilization of my unit. Shortly after I was off to iraq for 16 months. Needless to say I was away from my wife and home for quite a long while but I was paying the bills and trying to give her a life she enjoyed.During my mid tour leave I decided to give her a chance to ""come clean"" with any doings that I would have a major problem about (mainly cheating). She said she started smoking weed but that was all... I do not mind weed but I did not want her hobby to interfere with my security clearance so I asked her to stop by the time I got home. Fast forward a while and I found out through her computer that she was sexting another guy, a cop (this will play a part later in the story) and they were sending pictures and videos back and forth along with skyping all dating back to the time I was in Iraq. The first time I found out abou it I told her I wanted a divorce and left our house to live with my friend. She made a Deal with me that she would go through an uncontested divorce if I moved back in and went to marriage counseling. If that did not work out then she would grant me my divorce. Win win for me I thought....One of the conditions of the consousling was I was able to check her phone whenever I wanted to assure myself that no communication was happening with the cop. I did not find any for months. But I decided to put her to a test and see deleted the dude from her Facebook. All while making sure that I could see her text messages even if she deleted them. It was not but hours before I found the first text between them. They were not suppose to be communicating at all and she was trying to hide her tracks by deleting her messages. Then I laid another trap, I left for military stuff for a month or so and decided to ask her for nude pictures. My goal was to see if she sent the pictures to the cop. I got the pictures I asked for, and so did the cop... I immediately started the procedure to divorce this woman... Now on the the part that hurts the most. I found a woman that made me so happy and I found her during the finalization of my divorce. This woman was everything straight from the start. I told her ever single detail of my life and everything between. I even left the military for this woman ( I wanted a family and the military is not conducive to that). She already had a baby but that was fine with me. I fell so in love with this woman I asked her to marry me. We got got married, then tragedy, again.Our young relationship did have quite a strain. We bought new build houses twice within 2 years and then our house was hit with a tornado. We lost a friendship with someone that took us in to live with them, we lived in a hotel for a few months then covid hit and everything locked down. We managed to move into an apartment during this time but it was still difficult. I managed to get t-boned in my truck in which I broke 3 ribs, punctured a lung, and was knocked un conscious. So we had that to deal with. Eventually my new family found its way back into out newest ""tornado"" house. After we worked so hard to get it repaired.Mere months later I found out my wife was sexting with a cop. Keep in mind, this is wife #2 now, doing the same thing as wife #1. We are in marriage counseling now but it does not feel like it is helping. As of late I have been asking her if she is still thinking about this guy and she is flat out lieing about it.Tonight I found it she was upset over the fact that this shitbag found another girlfriend and that she thinks about him everyday and that she 100% knew there was a connection between them.Also, fuck sexlife on Netflix because she feels that while the physical portion of that show did not happen, the mental part did with the cop, I found that out tonight as well so yay me... Life for the last 15 years has been such garbage I wished I died in Iraq. Noone else to talk to...",Depression +11278,Fuck my mind's a mess right now. not suicidal but I feel really alone and so much is happening and I do not think anyone understands itHope whoevers reading this are alright. Love you all and hate seeing others go threw shit too. A nightmare,Suicidal +11279,"First, I can not believe I am asking this. I have always been the happy, energetic, social, bubbly person in a group with so many plans for the future.After starting therapy my mood has been going down until I was not able to see any point for living. I look at my old photos and wonder how on earth was I this happy and how was I so excited about life (I was still struggling with bad nightmares)?If you ask me to choose between anything I had dreamt of before and death, I would definitely choose death.I do not want to worry about life, work, family, friends, mortgage, weight, health, aging and all that crappy stuff which keeps getting worse with time.I prefer not to exist. But I am also curious about people who think they are actually enjoying life. what is going on in your mind?? Happy people in life, what is going on in your mind?",Suicidal +11280,"I have had so many relationships built on transaction; meaning I do something to get something. I cannot recall a single relationship where this was not the case.I just want to know there is hope, that someone has friends that truly care about what is happening with you. Does anyone have true friendship?",Depression +11281,i want to kill myself so badi keep pushing everyone awaythe only reason i have not killed myself yet is because I am good looking that is literally all i have to live for i just lost my last friend,Suicidal +11282,"So on my Birthday, my mother paid for this huge thing for me and she expected me to smile she also invited family over. Which I did not really feel comfortable with. Anyway, she also invited the person I do not like by the slightest bit.Anyway, when they brought out my cake they put one of my favorite anime show characters on it. I was happy about that but for some reason, I could not smile. Then she whispered to me ""smile"" anyway all I want to say is this is the main reason why I hate my birthday. I am not able to smile with my family",Depression +11283,"I lost my business because I did not want to work with a man who physically hurt me. He messed with my car. He caused legal issues in my life. I fell for more bullshit today which means I am still an easy mark for his cons which makes me paranoid about starting another business. He told me crazy shit about the man I am in love with and everyone wants it to my fault. I lost my job because I fell in love with my boss, and he has a girlfriend who continues to make my life a living Hell. This woman has ruined my life medically, financially, emotionally and worse. I have an ex who filmed me giving her a blowjob to hurt me and the man I am in love with. She convinced my dad to financially cut me off, and worse. She told my coworkers that I am schizophrenic and worse. She may or may not be responsible for 2 cars being totaled. She cyberstalks me and prevents me from getting work done. I have another ex who wants everything I do to be about some symbolic bullshit that means I still love him, which has also made my life a living Hell. My friends think I want to fuck their boyfriends because I fell in love with my boss who has a girlfriend, and she is now convinced them that I love all their boyfriends. Embarrassing moments of my life have been publicized - including pimple popping, showering, masterbating, etc. I just do not want to be made fun of for it. The man I am in love with would not care if I died. I do not know how much of my life is a lie. I do not know if I buried my cat alive because of these people. I get reminded every day that exes master ate to me and do not want me to be happy. I get blamed for all of it, and its cruel. I do not want to participate in this life",Depression +11284,"I used to be a very confident, cheerful person. Today I have become this awkward person who cannot even put a sensible sentence together. I only whine and cry and brood. I cannot sleep, I cry when I sleep when I am alone when I wake up. I am in love with someone for close to a year and this supposed relationship we have feels so empty. Like I am the only one who wants it and calls it a relationship. He is never there through my troubles my sickness or to even share my happiness and achievements. I moved cities fir this person to not regret giving him all I could which was in my capacity. I get nothing in return, not even a normal conversation. He rarely meets me. Currently I feel so negative and so broken and so devastated. I do not know why this had to happen to me. I feel discarded and used and abused emotionally, always angry",Depression +11285,"I am M/nearly 22 (because I am born December 1999) (also I am ashamed of my depression because it is unmanly)0 I have been living with depression since 2012 where it got worse every year until 2015 where I had multiple failed suicide attempts (not really manly, I know). After that it now comes in episodes. Sometimes these episodes are extreme (like right now because I have lost a family, people on tumblr spread false information about me, witch hunt me, I am all alone and I am getting doxxed), medium or mild. Also there is my dysphoria and paranoia mixed up in this as well. Before I tell you my whole life story I keep it short: Yes, I have been to a psychologist but it is not possible due to Covid at the moment. And I never had any friends in my life as people rather liked to bully me and physically hurt me (that is why I am glad I am out of school for so many years now) and almost got me killed once by throwing me in front of a bus. Anyways I noticed that my eyesight got worse and worse over the years. Can it be because of depression or because I stay up all night (I am very nocturnal) for years now? I had a sharp crisp eyesight a few years ago where I couldf see details 10m away but now I cannot even Identify faces anymore from one meters. (sorry for using the metric system, I am not american) I am scared to go blind. Additonal Note: My hearing is actually my greatest strenght and the only sense left that is close to superhuman as proven by multiple tests in the past that I took. (I do not like to mention it because it is considered cringe and unnormal and I am very ashamed of it but the hearing thing might be because of my autism.) Can depression worsen your eyesight?",Depression +11286,"I have lost interest in everything. Nothing seems fun or interesting to me now. Its just nothing. I just want to stay in my bed and watch YouTube but even then, there is nothing to watch. Everything hurts so much.. my crush telling me they are dating someone broke me, my friends suicide, me getting into a massive argument with my friends and now they are no longer my friends, it hurts so much. everyone is growing up so fast, changing so fast, and leaving me behind with only memories, and it hurts. It hurts so much to the point nothing hurts. I am just used to it. Nothing matters to me anymore. And I keep sleeping to avoid my problems, to avoid life entirely. How long till sleeping is not enough to keep me alive? How long till life takes sleeping away from me too? I just want to sleep now. I just want to sleep forever. Everything hurts so much",Depression +11287,"Everything is awful. I hate my body, I hate my voice, I hate how I am so apathetic, I hate how I constantly feel and think. I feel like screaming but I do not have the energy to do it because its pointless.I made an actual friend for once and I fucked it up. It finally felt good to be alive but all things must end I guess. I feel like she never wants to talk to me and I never know what to say anyway. I tried talking to her and she just kind of brushed me off. I just want to die. There is no point to any of this. I will constantly be in pain and nothing will ever save me. Life is meaningless. I hate this",Depression +11288,"Everything is awful. I hate my body, I hate my voice, I hate how I am so apathetic, I hate how I constantly feel and think. I feel like screaming but I do not have the energy to do it because its pointless.I made an actual friend for once and I fucked it up. It finally felt good to be alive but all things must end I guess. I feel like she never wants to talk to me and I never know what to say anyway. And I tried talking to her and she just kind of brushed it off. I just want to die. There is no point to any of this. I will constantly be in pain and nothing will ever save me. Life is meaningless. I am shut an awful human",Depression +11289,Its a slow but sure process. I can gradually see it happening to me. I did not deserve the cards I was dealt. I am a good person at heart. Mental degradation,Suicidal +11290,"I was always told that mental illness is a long game. An attritional, inching game fought in intangible continents shifting around in your head. This still registers with me on some level, but its a quiet voice compared to all the noise around me. Despite so much good happening around me, I am unable to correctly process any of it. I feel broken, as if I have made no progress. Is there some painfully obvious advice I am not seeing? I know this is as painfully nonspecific as it gets, sorry. It feels like I take one step forwards, then a dozen back",Depression +11291,"My parents are very.. closed-minded. they have told me that depression, ADHD, anxiety, OCD and all that stuff is fake and its all western ideology. I have not been diagnosed with depression but I am very sure I have it, if I was to tell a doctor my parents would find out and they would- well I do not know. I have been having passive suicidal thoughts, I have not self harmed because I am too cowardly and stupid to do it. &#x200B;I dunno what this isI'm a minorI have no freedomI'm stuck I do not have a way to get the help I need",Depression +11292,"I am so close but I am far to embarrassed to call a hotline, my family might overhear and I do not want to cry to a stranger for help. Too embarrassed to call",Suicidal +11293,"I am trying so hard to be happy. I am so lonely. I have friends, family, etc. but I cannot stop isolating. I feel like such a disappointment and burden, I cannot stop telling myself everyone would be better without me. The stress of life is so suffocating and I do not know how to free myself. I am trying so hard to not take the easy way out and to keep pushing but its so hard. I am trying",Suicidal +11294,Ppl no longer have to interact anymore. there is an online virtual world built by ppl who have a job where those with mental illness can go. We do not have to talk to ppl. We do not have to interact. We have the world at our fingertips. And yet. Its completely unsatisfying. All I want is connection. Ppl no longer have to interact anymore,Depression +11295,"So far, I have been on Effexor ER and Zoloft. I have struggled with depression for nearly 10 years, but am only now seeking help. I have now tried each for 8 months. Effexor helped A LOT, but the side effects and withdrawal were awful. Worse than coke withdrawal. Zoloft is helpful. Does not help as much, but it definitely helps, and maybe a dose increase would help more. Neither of these two seem to fully help. Should this be expected? Do any antidepressants REALLY help in the way you hear about? What med has been YOUR personal savior? And what meds have you tried? I am looking for detailed descriptions of experiences on as many meds as I can based on the description of YOUR PERSONAL depression experience. I understand everyone is different, but if our depression is similar, then our meds can also be similar. I want to try a range if meds to find the best one for me. And I just want to understand and know some of the meds before I talk to my doctor about them. I want prior knowlege. The internet does not give this, so I need to ask real people with real experience. Thank you for any reply. Experiences and recommendations?",Depression +11296,"i am a minor who is been struggling with symptoms for depression for over a year. i feel completely invalidated by my own feelings. even though i think I am depressed i tell myself i have no reason to be. i have a good family and were well off. i have a lot of friends but all of this and i still struggle. I am surrounded by suicide and have been for awhile now. i feel trapped. its not that my parents do not care but when they walk into my room and I am clearly upset and they ask what is wrong i tell them i do not know. because i do not know why I am crying or even why I am sad. they do not believe me, so i always have to make up an excuse. recently my mom asked me if i was depressed and i feel like that was my time to ask for help but i do not want to admit that I am actually struggling with it. i told her i was just lazy. i do not have anything to tell a therapist as to why I am sad but do you think i should seek help anyway? should i seek help",Depression +11297,"I will preface this by saying that usually I try to take on this image of being a provider/protector, solid as stone, cracking jokes, always happy to help, respectful as can be, rational, and so forth. Typical ""manly-man"" type of stuff that I was raised to internalize as markers of my self worth. But man, if there is anything I want in this world, it is to be cared about. I want to be loved, and I am sure I have someone in my life that does but if so they do not really show it... I have a bunch of surface-level friendships with people I cannot just text and talk to or ask to hang out. I have one friend but she is now in a relationship, with a guy that I have become great friends with in recent times, and out of respect for him and their relationship I try not to vent to her as much anymore like we mutually used to, plus I feel like a bother. I am no softy but I wish I had someone that I could just be vulnerable around and not only be cared by, but care for. I am moving in about a month anyways so it makes no sense to try and get into a relationship but the new job I am starting will make it very difficult to start a long term relationship. I wish I had a cuddle buddy if anything. Totally non-sexual, uninvolved, but just someone that I can turn on a movie with and snuggle up against. Maybe fall asleep. I feel totally pathetic writing that but it could not be closer to the truth. It seems that all I am really good at is getting angry, being angry, and feeling like an asshole when I know I am anything but. I am 99% sure the reason for this is that my dad is mostly a good guy, that can get REALLY angry, but only when someone is being beyond stupid or inconsiderate. I guess I rationalized this as being mad = being right, and if someone pisses *me* off, out of all people, it must be for a good reason. it is really just me being on a power trip for a short moment because otherwise I feel incompetent at most shit. I think I just like being mad because it gives me some sense of superiority, and also because deep down, I am just secretly a lonely, hurt man who is tired of having to hide his emotions.I guess I will end it off on some good news. I love running. there is countless trails I run on that no one else really goes on, so I just leave my phone at home or in the car, and just go. I feel so free. And at the end of each one, there is always a beautiful view waiting for me, so I take a break and just kind of stare off and appreciate it before heading back home and enjoying my short-lived runners high. I am also pretty good at basketball and enjoy playing it. that is really the only time I am happy most days, otherwise it is just constantly checking my phone to no new texts, and playing video games and patiently waiting to head to bed just to not sleep. To whoever reads this, thanks, and I hope all is well. Thanks for letting me rant. I just need someone to hold me.",Depression +11298,what is a way to start well I am 22 year old male and I have these thoughts every fucking day where I get my gun and shoot myself or injure myself; I will not do it of course but life has been rough :/ I had a fall out at a mega Christian church that completely fucked up my life and not making this a religious subreddit but at first religion made me happy but they exploited me for music back ground of dining playing guitar bass electric guitar drums etc I am talented or was I have not touched a instrument in months well I would serve at the church everyday no joke cuz service everyday and I was not even getting paid; not that I wanted to I thought serving the lord was my job. Fast forward I am drained and want to fucking blow my brains out and I tell them can I take a break and they say no and if I leave I am turning my back on god I just left and they all turned there back on me and have not spoke to them since my beliefs in god are dead probably borderline atheist but the fear of Going to hell stops me from wanting to end it so I do not but in some way I miss my old church life that gave me a false hope but now its just depressing and I am not happy but thankfully I got health insurance and I want to get therapy or psychiatry to help me adhere my feelings but yeah just venting out my feelings incase anyone has gone through this not only that but I have other friends who have high expectations on me and I hate it so I live day by day but yes thank you for listening Wanting to die constantly on my mind,Suicidal +11299,"In hindsight, I realize that quite a bit of my brain is broken. They should be teaching mental health issues as a spectrum of disorders, build a self awareness in society around mental health problems to tackle stigma, and democratize mental healthcare.We have created an academic medical industrial complex around mental health - all staffed by expensive shrinks - and the huge social gap is instead filled with religion, superstition, charlatans, substance abuse, and worse.Mental healthcare is a basic human right.The Vulcans were right in how they conquered their minds. We are so behind as a species.Its okay to lose your mind. Its also okay to find your way back. We need to normalize an open dialog on mental health",Depression +11300,"I am setting a goal now. I am giving myself exactly 1 month from today (July 23) to go and tell someone how I feel and that I need some kind of mental professional for help. Could anyone just help me with that? Because it seems like such an impossible task, to go to someone and tell them I feel like killing my self, not only because that would break someone that cares about me but that it means I could possibly mean I lose the few friends I have, and my family will treat me differently. Please I am genuinely asking for help on this. I need help to get help",Suicidal +11301,"I do not know what my deal is but lately I feel like I am trapped. If its not issues with my family, work life, or bills its issues with my depression/borderline flaring up. I am constantly stressed or close to crying to the point of no return. I want to sleep but cannot. I should probably get my meds adjusted again but I absolutely HATE when they start that process. It would be amazing to just kind of melt away at this point. Weird flare up",Depression +11302,"I 20f just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression mainly because I finally went to my doctor about it. After my initial screening, I was diagnosed, put on medicine, and referred to a therapist. I am happy I finally got the help I needed since I have been dealing with this for majority of my life however, after two weeks of seeing my therapist she told me I was emotionally abused by my mother. I always had a feeling I was but I guess it was a shocker to hear it from someone other than my brother. Now my therapist wants me to write about my childhood and everything I remember about it. This is terrifying to me because I normalized everything I was dealing with and now I realize that what I went through was not normal at all. I guess I am just scared to relive everything and realize how much I actually went through. If you have any tips, please let me know. I just got diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I have mixed feelings",Depression +11303,"I have spent the past few months rowing my rickety boat down the black river and into the abyss. I have gone past anger. I have gone past tiredness. I have recently passed bitterness. Now, I have arrived at, arguably, the most dreaded part of the journey...apathy. I enjoy nothing. I look forward to nothing. I have no hope, and the little droplets of hope I do have quickly evaporate. I do not even know why I am bothering to post this because it is either going to get lost in the sea of other posts like it, or it will not help me (or both). I am good at nothing and I cannot even bring myself to properly attempt to try new things because I am met with such a disdain for my own existence. Every day, I am either filled with hate or I am totally empty. I have nothing left to give this world and it sure as shit has nothing to give me. Every passion I thought I ever had has been ripped from me because of my apathy towards life. All desire that I have is squashed almost immediately by my complete ineptitude, and I have been at the end of my rope for as long as I can remember. I do not really have a point to this, I just needed to vent, I guess. TL;DR: I feel like I am an artist, but I am trapped by my piece of shit brain and talentless body. I am nobody and I am nothing. I serve no purpose and nothing serves me. I am empty. I have surpassed bitterness and I am now at the purest form of apathy",Depression +11304,I am leaving this subreddit i am starting to workout again I realized that bad things happen and that is ok something that really helped my depression was the video game red dead redemption 2 after playing it again I was nearing the end when Arthur is speaking to the nun and she says life is full of pain but there is also love and beauty this school year I am going to try and be like Arthur and help others Ill try my best and hopefully score a girlfriend I wish you all the very best in your endeavors keep on pushing and with love I say goodbye Good news,Suicidal +11305,"My s/o was my driving force, but they turned out to be dating me out of pity. They were hiding the fact that they were aromantic from me because they felt bad that I was so excited to be with them. Were still best friends (its hard to break a friendship of almost 3 years), but now I feel like a burden to them. I felt so happy with them. Its the first time I felt loved or cared about. I even received my first compliment on my looks from them. My world came crashing down when I learned this was all hollow and insincere. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was when they said I love you too. Now its the opposite because they just did that to make me feel appreciated. The first compliment I received in my life on my looks turned out to be the same story. I was so ecstatic to hear that I am pretty, but that feeling is gone since that was just a hollow compliment that meant nothing. I finally started to feel good about my looks after they told me I am pretty, but now I do not even want to post my face anymore. I feel like a burden to them now. This made my mental state go to shit, and now they have to deal with me like that. I still love chatting and calling with them even though I cry every time I do. they are the only thing keeping me going right now. they are still my driving force. Without them, I cannot say Id be alive right now.note: Please do not get mad at them for not telling me about being aromantic. They feel like absolute shit for not telling me in the first place and profusely apologized. They also were in major denial when they noticed they were aromantic and saw our relationship as a way to try and be normal (being aro is completely normal and okay by the way). They soon started to feel sick for not telling me this and felt terrible after noticing they should not of forced a relationship on themself. This was all caused because they tried to suppress their actual feelings without immediately noticing it (and me jumping into this way too fast) which is not their fault, so I do not want any hate directed toward them in the comments. i feel unwanted",Suicidal +11306,"Almost called a helpline because I am so overwhelmed. My breaths got heavier and my body was so weak I could barely curl up. Sat inside a walkin closet because I felt like I am too small to matter or something like that. I wished a human being would pick up as soon as I dialed in, but I know there are probably a lot more having worse problem than I do. I do not really have the guts to do it, just constant thoughts of random scenarios of me dying.Dealing with a bot, pressing numbers and being on hold when you are at your darkest moments sucks. could not wait, I turned off my phone, cried myself to sleep in that walk-in closet. I wonder how suicide helplines work.",Suicidal +11307,"I have recently noticed that a friend of mine likes to cut off conversations with me by saying ok. I feel stupid typing this, but that response just feels so dismissive and brings up unpleasant feelings like I am being looked down upon. Even though I have mentioned how their use of ok to halt a conversation bother me, they still do it.Am I overreacting? Honestly, am I just being stupid or is the use of ok as an end to a conversation actually dismissive?I am bad with my words so I am having trouble effectively communicating my thoughts atm, I apologize in advance! I hate it when a conversation is closed with Ok",Depression +11308,I offer nothing to this world. Literally we would be better off without me I want to fucking die lmao,Depression +11309,"Idk what is this situation but I could not find any relevant area to post it. My father is an abuser. He abuses my mother all the time, I am watching him from childhood, beating her. When I was kid he used to bit me too with belt, chair whatever he used to get in hand. He always suspected that everyone is planning something against him, but when my mom comforted him, he took that also in a negative way and blamed her for no reason. Because of his attitude nobody likes to talk to him, many people tried but he is always so cynical about everything.I went to college in a different state. For 5 years I have not seen those problems, and I was feeling better little by little. I was exploring new things, studying, thinking about solutions to different problems. I was kind of happy. But from age 14 I always have this angry feeling, it comes out when I am alone in a room. It feels like my whole body is burning and I always mitigate this by punching in the air, as if I am beating someone brutally and it goes on for 15-30 mins kind of imagine it like flash pictures, happens mainly in the night before I sleep. I become all sweaty and breathe like a dog. When I do not do it like 2-5 days my thoughts get very clouded, I get angry easily, but if I have done this the previous night I feel very calm. Now I have staying at my home preparing for my upcoming exam, and almost everyday I see my parents fighting and at night I picture I am punching my dad. The next day when I woke up I feel terrible as if I would be happy if I was dead. Idk what is happening, this rage thing is it normal? Currently almost 2 weeks I am having that feeling more intensely and repeatedly. I have stopped watching or reading anything related to gore or ghost. But still I see dreams about someone chasing me and that person does not have any head. I tried meditation but nor worked. Idk what to do, do you guys also feel the same or it is a problem.I am a male,currently 24 years old, living in a 3rd world country I am always angry that makes me worried too much about myself",Depression +11310,"The only reason I have not killed myself is my girlfriend and my dog.The only reason I have not killed myself is my girlfriend and my dog. I could not bare the thought of leaving them alone considering I am all she has, and I could not imagine abandoning my dog. Life fucking sucks. It sucked enough before this pandemic started, but now I cannot even afford to pay for my bills+food+medication. I had to take out multiple credit cards and borrow money from family members just to get through the last few months and now they are all maxed out. I have to drive an hour away for work, just to drive 8-10 hrs a day 5-6 days a week to get treated like absolute shit by customers. My line of work is quickly drying up and I am making half of what I was making 6 months ago. I am a very frugal person and NEVER spend money on things that are not completely necessary.I only see my girl one day a week and it puts a big strain on us both. she is the only thing keeping me going and I barely even get to see her now. I have sent out hundreds of resumes/applications over the past 2 months for jobs so I can have a stable paycheck/spend more time with my girlfriend. I have gotten 2 interviews which have not amounted to anything. I have numerous health problems and I am in constant pain (dispite being in my mid-twenties).Everyday I am holding back constant tears and suicidal thoughts. Anybody have some words of advice? Or (been) in a similar situation?TLDR: can barely afford a place to live + food + meds. Taken out a good amount of debt just to survive and cannot take out any more credit cards. Am in constant pain but doctors do not care enough to do anything for me. Only reason I have not killed myself is my gf and my dog because I am all they have. Spend all day working an exhausting job I hate while being treated like shit for shit pay while fighting back tears and suicidal thoughts. The only reason I have not killed myself is my gf and my dog.",Suicidal +11311,"I have been on new medication for the past 2 months and I thought it was genuinely helping my mentally state. I did not seem to be weighed down by a lead anchor of despair and sadness. The woes of the world did not seem to demotivate me like they used to, to an almost debilitating degree. I even landed a job interview at a place that would have been pretty stable income. I felt a genuine sense of progression and growth. Today, everything came back and hit me like a freight train. I did not land that job, as soon as that news entered my headspace, it seems like all effect of the meds dissipated. That shit must have been a fucking placebo because now I feel just like I used to 2 months ago. I am so scared for the future. I fear there is only greater deals of pain and suffering to come for humanity, we clearly do not care enough about each other, and those in power actively despise the rest of us. They would gladly watch us slowly rot to death than let us have anything more than mere breadcrumbs. I have no hope that things will ever change for the better. I am so lonely, I just want to love and be loved. I just want somebody to care and to care for, to hug, and to cuddle with and look up at the night sky, or watch the sunset and feel at least a temporary sense of peace, love, and safety in this traumatizing world. I do not know how much longer I can keep getting up out of bed everyday when I cannot stand existing. Sleep is the highlight of my life at this point. I wish I could stay asleep forever. And maybe wake up in a perpetual dream world of being in bed with my soul mate, laying there watching the sunset on our own little private hideaway.I am not sure what venting here will do, venting has not really helped much in the past. I guess this the only place someone who I do not have to pay $80 a session might listen and give a fuck for a single moment. I do not know. I am so close to being done. This shit is unbelievably exhausting. I thought I was getting better.",Suicidal +11312,"The fact that me breaking down in the middle of lunch with my family, crying and them calling it ""drama"" because I get scolded for almost everyday, seems no one wants to come near me. Even my siblings feel the same towards me. Yo know what is worse than losing trust to your partner, losing trust from your own family. And that is the most depressing feeling ever",Depression +11313,You ever just wonder why you still exist in this world? Like rn I am stuck in a toxic relationship that makes me hate life more than anything. I want to be happy so bad but I cannot get away from them and its so sickening. I have attempted suicide recently to escape this person and they took me to the ER sadly and I am still here clearly. I just do not get why I cannot just be happy. I am medicated and I go out in the world but its always just a fake happiness. Like I find peace in the thought of my death. It just sounds calm and nothing further negative can continue on. Its just a nothingness void. All I have is crappy luck and a brain that wants me to self destruct. Anyone else? You ever just wonder,Suicidal +11314,DAE is on paroxetine/paxil and has experienced loss of strength and fatigue? paroxetine fatigue and loss of strength,Depression +11315,I have been holding a knife to my neck on and off for an hour and I keep wishing I would just do it and end it all. I want to post pictures of it on my instagram or facebook but I do not think I want to die. I am just tired and want to rest. I want people to see my pain and acknowledge it. I wish it would stop I do not want to die but I keep trying,Suicidal +11316,I am very self destructive. I tend to ruin the things I find comfort in by overthinking and just putting myself down as if I am telling myself I do not deserve it. I do not deserve having things that make me happy. I do not know how to stop myself from doing this and naturally it messes me up causing my depression and self hatred to just spike. Its ironic seeing as my whole goal for this year was to gradually learn how to love myself. I am just incredibly tired of myself. I am very self destructive,Depression +11317,"over the past year I have lost every single one of my friends. most were friends that were insignificant and i was not impacted by my loss. but 2 of the people i cared about most, one recently, completely ghosted me and left my life so fast its like they were not even there in the first place. i do not know what it is about me that repels people. so many of my old friends who completely betrayed me and fucked up my life and my self image are out with their own friends living their lives and having fun. and I am at home, sleeping in every day so i do not have to face my own loneliness. my best friend moved a state away a few years ago and were growing more distant every day. my boyfriend and i are on and off, and i have no one to rely on at all. i never thought i would face true loneliness but i am and its worse than anything i could have ever imagined. i do not see a point in living this way when no one cares about me. some people say oh i have no friends I am so alone when they really are not and they do not really know what true loneliness is like. seeing people i care about and getting out of the house helps my depression become more manageable but all summer I have been alone and at one of the worst points in my life and i genuinely do not know what to do. I have rotated through everyone around me that id even slightly get along with and i feel like there is nothing else for me to do. no one really cares until you are dead. I am so alone",Depression +11318,What is the best way to kill myself? I do not have access to a gun so that is out of the question. Does anyone have advice on a way to do it so it is painless? I am not seeking attention. I just need information.,Suicidal +11319,"Title says it all. I am not worth a single penny it takes to buy a gun and ammo to end it all, or to buy *anything* to end it all. I am worthless in every way, shape, and form. Literal dust particles are more valuable than me. Only thing keeping me from ending it is the fact that I am not worth the money to buy a gun",Suicidal +11320,"I know no one is going to read this but I do not have anywhere else to write.November will be the month I end it finally. it will be after my mom's birthday where I can celebrate with her and spend my final time with her. I want to tell her how much I love her and try my best to say without explicitly saying it, that it was not her fault. That she is always been a good mom to me and that I would not have wanted it any other way. The best mom a son could ever ask for.I always liked November. it is the transition from fall to winter and the air is so cool and nice. it is my favorite time of year, right before everyone goes into Christmas frenzy where everything is decorated red and green and Frank Sinatra is blasted on the radio.Some people are just meant to take their own lives. I wish it was not so taboo. I wish it was not seen as selfish, but it hurts to keep living. Maybe I will drive down to Florida and see the ocean one more time before then. it is been forever seen I have seen the ocean and I miss it a lot. we would go every summer as kids all crammed into that old blue minivan. The best of times.Hopefully it does not hurt. But maybe it should because I deserve it. it will be nice. Yeah. november.",Suicidal +11321,"Been going through a rough patch, if anyone can chat atm. Can anyone talk right now?",Suicidal +11322,The last thing i want is a failed attempt Short and guaranteed ways to kill myself,Suicidal +11323,"Nobody listens to me. When they do, they tell me they do not want to hear my ""poor pity me"" bullshit. I try reaching out, i get ignored. I try and get better, and I am reminded that i cannot. I have hurt people. I have caused people to cut. I have caused somebody to get shingles. I cannot get better and even if i could i do not deserve it. I have caused so much pain and i cannot do it anymore. I have been through this several times already. I cannot do it again. I cannot ever make up for the damage I have done. I have to die. I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +11324,"Sometimes I feel like I may not be here for the rest of the time that I could. It frightens me, and I do not know how to accept it. In my darkest moments I accept it, but I am still afraid the reality of it, of myself. I try to focus on the fact that it was supposed to happen, or that nothing will matter afterwards, and try to ignore the invasion of death (how people root through your stuff and see your ugliest parts, or just completely forget about you because it hurts too much). ((TW)) I am learning how to you handle the fear of nearing death",Depression +11325,i do not understand why do ppl choose to live?,Suicidal +11326,"I (26F) have lived a pretty good life. Two parents, a bother. Financially stable home all that. But since I was in middle school I have craved death. I have never been brave enough to actually do it , just some self harm.. and got on with the idea that things get better. Well if you told 13 or 14 year old me where I would be at at 24 or 25 I would have opted out back then. I lost my dad almost 3 weeks ago now.. never knew pain like this existed and I was already over life to begin with. I think nows the time.. it just makes sense.. I have always lived with this false idea that things will get better and they never have. I miss him. I feel terrible because my brother and mom would be crushed to face another loss.. but I just do not want to and cannot do this anymore. I crave the peace of nothingness... or whatever comes after life. Its time",Suicidal +11327,"This may be the best way to describe me. I am an emotional potato. I have been suppressing my feelings for quite some time now. But I will try my best to express myself here.I am depressed. Or at least I think I am. I am not sure anymore. Maybe this is something everyone goes through and I am just overreacting. I do prefer to be asleep, there is a certain bliss with sleep. I find it difficult to generate the tiniest amounts of willpower to do anything. I can pick myself up for a bit, maybe for a week. I can be the best version my current self can be. But it is hard to stay motivated too long.I can distract myself, with games, working out. But I question if distracting yourself by being busy, even productive busy, is any real way to live. Is it really living if I avoid the pain, bury it inside, and go on with my life pretending to be normal? I cannot tell if that is the right answer. I am considering visiting a psychologist, but idk if I should considering I may be just feeling how every other human does.Writing is not my forte and I am not sure if I have made any sense here today, it does not to me, but thank you for reading through^~^ I am a potato.",Depression +11328,"Been abandoned since I was a kid. No love , always lonely. Tired of feeling alone in my marriage. My wife would forget about me the next day. Tired of being loved for only a moment. I am not a bad person , how hard is it to get one person to love me . All I do is help or try to be an unselfish person. Tired of chasing, tired of crying , tired of being alone . I am going to write out my will and get stuff situated . Then I will go to the ocean take a hand full of fetnyl and just disappear. Finally at peace. Tired of this life",Suicidal +11329,I wake up everyday without a purpose or anything to do. I have no one texting me no one to talk to my age. I have literally zero friends and all I see is people having good times with friends online and it makes me cry. They say these are the best years of your life and if that is the case then what is the point of trying to go on. I doubt this will get any eyes but I wish everyone a blessed future and I hope no one has to go through the same issues I am going through. I feel like I do not exist,Depression +11330,"Tomorrow's my last shift at a job that had become nothing but a source of anger, frustration, and toxic energy that turned me into a person I do not want to be anymore. I recently went on a family trip and I was actively angry that I had to go back to working there when I got back. A week later I put in my notice. No regrets on getting out of a situation that made me feel like I was going through the motions, like I was just a character in a video game playing out my script until clocking out, like my input or ideas or suggestions were not listened to or ""I agree with you but (other person) said no"".No regrets, that is, other than leaving when I had nothing else lined up after. Now it feels like the only jobs I will ever be able to get are things that I will end up hating just as much. And the career path I would like to pursue is impractical, untenable, unrealistic, and I should just stop fooling myself into thinking it is possible, so I might as well just accept that I am never going to be happy in what I do for a living.I had been telling myself that I needed to get the 900-pound gorilla off my back before I could move on in a healthy way. Nope, you just could not put up with a standard retail job. Get over yourself, your dreams are pointless, just give up now, and put the customer service voice back on.I would been telling myself ""do not leave a job unless you have another job"". Yeah, and you did not ever look for other jobs while you were working because you were too stressed out and exhausted (or more realistically lazy and like to complain) from your current job that thinking about work became the last thing you wanted to do so you would just wallow in it. And now that you are at the exit ramp, you still have nothing to show for it. Why? Because you are fucking lazy and you need to accept the fact that this is all you are ever going to be. Just give up and get back to work.I would been telling myself ""work yourself out of a job so they will either have to promote you or you go somewhere else and do the next step on that ladder"". Even if they did promote you, that just would have kept you stuck there even longer, or if you went somewhere else you would be still doing the same thing you hate. Which is the only thing you are ever going to get paid to do, anyway, so suck it up and put the tags back on.The only thing I have *ever* truly wanted to do with my life, and I mean across all of my years of existence, is to put on a show, make people laugh, and help them forget about their problems for a while. But I am not a good enough actor/writer/comedian/performer/anything to get paid to do that for anyone else, I know I would never succeed trying to start something on my own, and the wild card option I keep toying with is unrealistic (for many reasons), most notably because I am already probably too old to start and I would be even older by the time I was good enough.So I might as well just accept that all I am ever meant to do is suck it up, accept my fate, and go through the motions of living doing something that will never let me be happy. Tomorrow's my last day at my job, I do not have anything else lined up, and I see no hope.",Depression +11331,"I am 31 and I feel like I am running out of time to have a career or a family and I just wish there was some solution that was ""If you do this thing, you are guaranteed to get this result"". All of these nebulous promises of there still being time and things will work out eventually are not doing anything for me. I just want a concrete goal to work towards instead of something I can merely try to do. All of my failures in the past from when I have psyched myself up about potential successes have left me with a crippling fear of failure/rejection. I feel like I need to make decisions soon but there is nothing that is clearly right. I just want something guaranteed...",Depression +11332,"It does not matter how hard I try; sometimes I feel, everything that is very easy for others is rather difficult for me. It can be my carrier, relationships; it does not matter how hard I try, how much I wait and show patience, it never works out for me. I am literally feeling devastated by all of this. Rejections after rejections, coldness from spouse, I feel like I am at the end of the world. The feeling of being a loser is killing me. I do not want to see myself as a loser when I die, and I want to see myself winning, at least in some areas of life. The feeling of being a failure in every aspect of life is horrible",Depression +11333,"Today, I drew a deer before using any substances. Just wanted to share a little win.",Depression +11334,"Throwaway account. Bit of a rant, bit of a question. Since I was ten years old, I have been pretty depressed and have always wanted to kill myself. I have also struggled with self hatred and anxiety as well as body dysmorphia and some eating disorders. For years my parents and the people around me have thought that everything was alright. And with those expectations, I hid my depression and pretty much just suffered. I have a good life with loving parents and family, and I struggle with reconciling my depression with my good life. What I am worried about is the effects of this down the line. Has having depression from such a young age going to fuck me up? Will this stuff effect me developmentally? I have been severely depressed since I was a little kid and I still am. Is this going to have worse effects down the line?",Depression +11335,"I play a video game every now and then and for a few weeks whenever I talk someone always mentions that I sound super sad or something along those lines. Every time. Tonight someone asked me passive aggressively Have you shot up any schools recently after I just asked a question about the game.I never thought anything of my voice, never assumed it came off as anything more than just talk. Now I am paranoid because I have no idea how long its been like that and I have no one to ask. [19M] Depression coming off to people from my voice now",Depression +11336,"As soon as I start to feel comfortable with the way I look, I start to notice all my flaws again and then feel stupid for even thinking I was pretty in the first place. I am just so tired of always comparing myself to other women my age and feeling like Ill never be good enough for anyone because I am not as beautiful or as fit as them. I am sick of being so insecure that I always think any man I am with would leave me for someone else because I am far from being as pretty as some of the girls I see. Or Ill see these women and feel bad for my s/o because they are with me when they could be with someone so much better. I hate feeling ugly all the damn time and idk how to stop. But then when I do feel good about myself, I question if I am really as pretty as I think I am or if I am just lying to myself. I just want to feel beautiful in my own skin and I want to stop comparing myself to other girls. It fucking sucks because I know my heart would break if someone told me they felt this way about themselves so why is it so fucking hard for me to stop hating myself? I do not want to live the rest of my life thinking I am this hideous mofo. And even if I am a hideous mofo, I want to be comfortable with who I am because its tiring to want to be someone else all the time. I just want to be ME and be happy with who I am. Tired of hating myself all the time",Depression +11337,"I finally figured it out. *Any* expression of existential crisis, nihilism, neurosis, or depress is what bothers people. They do not care that you feel that way, they just care that you *express it.* it is as if any sort of negative emotion you are feeling causes them personal distress. They do not care if YOU are feeling it, only that you do not share it. it is not the depression that bothers people. it is when you talk about it.",Depression +11338,"Lately I have been feeling very listless and like an absolute failure in every department. I am a survivor of child abuse and I thought after escaping that, the remnants of my family would be okay and we would be fine and that was the last big battle I had to fight.. I went to college like I was told to. It was fine, but I got a useless degree (German). I got my masters in teaching but it has been impossible to find a district teaching job. Student loan payments are coming due and I already barely squeak by on my meager charter school salary of 36k. Sadly, this is not all that is wrong. I am fat and have struggled with bulimia and body dysmorphia. Not to mention having a million acne scars all over my body. No one has ever loved me more than a one night stand. I am probably the ugliest person alive. In the gay community I am the picture of repulsive. I do not blame anyone but myself. The ptsd nightmares never stop. I am the only one in my family who is not with a long term partner. I want kids so bad but I am getting too old (I am 27). I do not want to become a parent when I am too old. I have tried everything to lose weight and nothing works. I have arthritis so working out is so hard, plus I am so shy that I am mortified of people looking at me while exercising.Everything is going wrong, I am so poor, and fat, and ugly that it just really feels like there is no point. I have to take so much medicine to keep my mental health from crippling me, and it makes me feel like I am nothing more than damaged goods. I just feel like such a burden to everyone and everything and I really do just feel like it would be best if I spared everyone from dealing with my worthless self. Because of my obesity I will probably die young anyway. I just want to find a way to make it look accidental, to spare my family a bit. I am sorry this is long I do not know",Suicidal +11339,Felt like my death was long overdue had a panic attack and took some pills kind of hope i die but if I do not I will be upset but not super upset I guess I am hoping for either well if I do not update soon then I am dead by everyone ! Took some pills,Suicidal +11340,"what would you do in my situation. for some background on my situation i cannot go out of the house unless its for work, my mother calls me a whore sometimes even tho i legit do nothing, my mother talks to me in a demeaning way, my enabling dad supports her. I tried therapy but its not working only moving out will. I have abt 6k right now and will probably have 1.5 k left over each month at least after living expenses after i move out. So what should I do, i have not properly hung out with anybody in a public place in 1.5 years (unless it was sneaking out when my mom went to my aunts house and that caused a boatload of anxiety bc my mom would literally kill me if she found out). I am sick of this anxiety for wanting to normal 25 year old girl things not even cllubbing just hanging out with my bf or pals in a godamn park at 3pm. Move out or save more for my situation?",Depression +11341,"Currently its 1:16 am where I am and I cannot sleep I just lay in bed crying because of my flashbacks. I start my new job at Amazon tomorrow and I really need some sleep but I just cannot shake this monkey off my back. I should let you know that I suffer from bipolar disorder along with ptsd and I self harm often, the combination literally kills me. I usually watch videos on YouTube or scroll through Instagram until like 5am or until the break of dawn pretty much until my body completely feels dead then I can finally fall asleep, but I remember when I was younger when I could fall asleep as soon as I got into bed man I wish I could go back to those days if anyone could help me or just spend some time to talk to me I would really appreciate it, I should also mention I am 23 male and do not really have any friends anymore or people to talk to on a regular basis so its been a tough ride recently, and thank you for taking the time to read this I appreciate it soo much and I hope you are doing better than me at the moment and I hope you all have a great night. My ptsd keeps me from sleeping",Suicidal +11342,What have peoples experiences been doing short-term stays in psych wards in hospitals? Looking particularly for Australian experiences. Pls honest and sincere responses Experience of hospital psychiatric wards?,Depression +11343,"My wife, recently separated, told me tonight that our entire 8 yr marriage was a lie and she never felt like I cared for her or made her feel loved. We have 2 kids together and a third from her previous relationship. Am I that much of a monster that I never noticed how she felt? Do I deserve what is coming up or should I fight it?Can she find a better parent than me for my children? Am I a monster?",Depression +11344,"I am gone. Today marks 5 years being involuntarily single. I have gone through the 5 stages of grief a dozen times, been through therapy until my therapists gave up on me and referred me to someone who would also give up and refer me and rinse and repeat, I have attended self-improvement classes, gotten makeovers with professional advice, lost weight and gotten fit, improved my social confidence, attended numerous programs and groups and activities, tried online dating, tried blind dating but my dates walked out when they saw me, tried friends setting me up but the woman says to my friends she would not date me in a thousand years, moved towns, travelled the country, travelled to other countries and travelled to Japan and learned Japanese and when that did not work did the same for Germany, trying to meet women from different cultures. In all this time after all this pain and sweat and effort and periods of just trying to let it happen on its own, trying to make it happen, going back to not trying. And now, I am realizing I am marked from birth to be alone. So goodbye to you all. Yes, it is Aaron. And I will always love you D, even though you never loved me. Done with empty promises, empty advice.",Suicidal +11345,"I know you do not care. it is been a few months now and I hear you are talking to other girls. I am happy for you, yet selfishly, my heartbreaks for myself. You use to tell me how we would marry one day and have a family. How much you loved me. And for a broken person whose parents abandoned her, those words fulfilled me. They retrieved me from the sadness and anger abandonment and abuse had caused. With you I stopped viewing life as unfair. Everything I did I did with you in mind. I even found motivation to go back to school so one day I would have a good income for the future family we talked about and perhaps we could even save enough for your dream restaurant. it is pathetic to think about now. I was so selfish for using you to feel love and acceptance when I could not even feel those things for myself. But I felt them for you.And now you are gone.As you told me I am not a fighter. I am a failure and too broken. you are right. I am too broken to fight anymore. You were the last thing I had. But even you left. I use to wonder what I was doing so wrong that everyone had to leave. My parents. God. You. I just wanted to an answer so I can try to fix things. But like you told me I cannot fix me. Maybe death has always been the answer. I just miss you so much.",Depression +11346,"You look in the mirror and you do not recognize who you are. Its like everything that has ever broke you a little bit at a time is staring right back at you. Just darkness. All your mistakes, the people you have lost, the time you have wasted, the scars you have, everything is just looking back. you are anger shame, sadness, and anxiety is just right there. Its just seeping out of you and you realize you are only living because somebody needs you to live and not because you want to. you are feelings and trauma is eating you slowly from the inside and you want to put holes in walls and rip the whole world down before you finally shatter that mirror and put one of the shards through your throat to finally end it. You hate yourself and your tired of the hurt. You are finally what you said you would never be and want to make yourself suffer, but you hate the world and want to make it suffer with you. You know its too late for you when",Suicidal +11347,He hit me and now my siblings say it is my fault. I just want to die. I am so tired of work of uni of life. I just..Want to die so bad i know I am only 23 but this is so hard My dad hit me now my whole family shuns me,Suicidal +11348,Hahaha #imsohappyanddefinitelydontwishiwasdead Nothing like looking back at old photos to remind myself of how much I hate the person I have become,Depression +11349,"1% does not make up for shit. Not yet atleast. I am just tired. I feel like Midas, but instead of turning shit into Gold I just turn it to shit. I cannot do a single fucking thing right, I have no purpose in this world, and I would sure as fuck rather die than be a burden on others. I am tired guys. It feels like everyday I am just occupying myself until I can go back to sleep. I am so fucking tired of this. In my friends circle I am the loser. The one everyone points to when their kids ask about failures and lost causes. 99% failure",Suicidal +11350,"I wish I had more positive interaction in my lifehow do I make more friends?I wish I had friends that were mental health friendly. I wish to have deep talks about depression and mental wellness. I wish I could have some compassion in my lifeThe way my life has wentsometimes I think that all I need is love. I need to be loved. I deserve it, right? Id like to think that I am worthy..but at the same time I feel like I cannot socialize correctly I consider myself sort of a weird guy, outside the box kind of person for sure. I think part of the reason I do not have successful or meaningful relationships is because of my weird personality. Do other people look at weird people and feel repulsed? What makes a person purely unattractive? Support Chat",Depression +11351,tittle How does suicide tourism in Switzerland work?,Suicidal +11352,"It feels like it is time. I have been suicidal the past few weeks and I do not talk to anyone about my deep feelings. I am depressed, and that is never going to go away. Just a feeling weighing in my chest and I am tired of it honestly. I have tried so hard. I cry at the thought of saying goodbye to my boyfriend for the last time. But it will be alright, he will be alright. cannot go a day without the thought of harming myself. it is tiring. I know I could go on and live like this, but I do not want to anymore. I am tired",Suicidal +11353,"I dream a lot nowadays.. I dream when I am awake and I dream when I am asleep. I dream when I am working, and when I am doing nothing at all. At first it felt nice.. dreaming all day and night. Forgetting reality and thriving in another world, as another person. There, in those dreams I could be everything I wish I was now.. it was- and is still so welcoming. But slowly- daydream after daydream i forget that it is not real.. I forget that those emotions and people- that this world I created is not real.. Ill see my surroundings change- when I am taking a walk outside all of a sudden I am in a forbidden forest. When i look down to my clothes I am wearing a corset and dress, instead of the jeans and crop top I wear out.. and then Ill whisper words to no one but in my day dream I speak normally and with a friend. Ill wave my hands, and Ill cry and feel every emotion in my bones, as if it were real. Then all of a sudden I am dragged back into reality, my mind still hardwired to that of my daydream and I think things like when I find a dragon or of course! The Bermuda Triangle is where all the mythical creatures hide themselves away from humans! And I forget that it is not real. That in reality that type of magic does not exist. Then I fall into depression again as I remember my life is not like the books I read.. even as a witch who communicates with her gods- the type of magic where you just wave your hands and everything is suddenly clean and put together is not true- that fairies are not real and werewolves and dragons do not exist. I forget to often- what is real and what is not, the lines they blur and i fear I am going crazy. Like I am split between another reality and this one. Escapism has become to much, instead of the great coping mechanism it was- its started to slowly kill me.. is it wrong of me to want to let these daydreams overwhelm me.. is it wrong that I want to stay in them forever.. never waking from them.. I want to let them drag me away, kill me, and overwhelm me.. all because I do not wish to face reality again. My dreams are taking control of my life and I can no longer tell what is reality and what is not",Suicidal +11354,"After sending myself to the ER twice in two weeks because of panic attacks and loosing my therapist I am starting to loose hope. Sleeping on a broken air mattress in a living room to work 9-4 six days a week makes me exhausted. There are hardwood floors and the roommates dog's nails click profusely, waking me up when they walk or sleep kick the floor. My therapist stopped talking to me, it is been eight weeks. I am alone besides cooking in my own prep area in the kitchen, other cooks are around me but we are too busy to talk. I feel so alone and I am doing out of control.I have even come to the point to the muscles in my arms hurt from how much I tense them. I want a long hug or a snuggle...to be warm, happy, and in good arms sounds wonderful. I really need a hug",Depression +11355,"He said mentally ill people do not need no pills. According to him, it cannot help them. He says they have to do exercise. Well how am I supposed to have a will to exercise when I do not even have a will to live. I got my suicide all planned out, and I decided to talk to my parents one last time, and he manages to kill the chance. and now they took all the money from my bank account to 'use it for my university'. guess what, I are not going to one. And now I do not even care about the pain. I had a painless death all planned but now i guess I will just throw myself out the window guys. Goodbye. And I am probably going to be alive because I am one fucking coward. So my 'father' lectured me on life today",Depression +11356,"I am an 18 year old trans guy. I do not think words can appropriately express how much I fucking hate myself. I know I am never going to be a real man, and I am never going to be attractive to anyone but my current partner. Cis guys work out to get ripped and hot. I work out just for my body to remotely resemble that of a man. I know that in order to look like a guy I am going to need thousands of dollars of surgery, including plastic surgery to masculinizar my face. I have been on testosterone for more or less a year and all that is improved is a little bit of hair and a slightly deeper voice. I feel like a mutilated hairy woman. I feel disgusting. I come across gay men in the internet who would never accept me as one of them much less be attracted to me. I feel like a total fraud. Everyone at work respects my pronouns but only because its company policy, not because they see me as a real man. The more testosterone I take, the worse my acne gets, and the more bloated I become, this driving me towards worse self esteem. I know the effort necessary for me to be passable and attractive is so much that I would have to center my life around it and make enormous sacrifices to do so. I also dropped out of high school my senior year. I had a 4.2 weighted gpa, tons of AP classes, countless teachers ready to write me shining letters of recommendation. I was President and founder of my schools film club, I was an activist and a member of many other student clubs and organizations. I was on numerous occasions pulled aside by various teachers to be told I was a favorite student and that I was going places. I was also heavily involved in volunteering and was even appointed to leadership positions within the organization I volunteered with outside of school. I scored 5s on all of my AP tests and was often the only one in my year to do so. This year as my former peers are graduating, I am scrolling through their Instagram pages as I get off a 9 hour shift at my shitty restaurant job. I see that multiple of my peers are attending ivy leagues and other schools of similar ranking. This confirms what I long suspected and longed for - I could have easily been admitted to many of the top schools that my peers got into seeing as I outperformed the vast majority of them both in academics and in extracurricular activities. I really fucked that up. But at the same time I intensely hate all of those people I attended school with and am glad I am not surrounded with the likes of them anymore. Why? Because the majority of them were super privileged neoliberal assholes that ostracized me for being different and only tolerated me because I was smart and over-achieving. To make matters worse I honestly miss a lot of aspects of being a girl. I was always the best dressed in school but I never got verbal attention for it because I was an outsider. Instead people just stared at me as I walked down the halls with high heels and a perfectly curated vintage outfit. I had the perfect female body and a pretty face. Even though I was always uncomfortable and everything felt like a performative sham, I was insulated from the outside world and I felt like I had some value. Now i just feel like a chubby, unattractive, worthless blob. Its disgusting . I was also severely depressed and anorexic before my transition and although the anorexia has since disappeared I almost miss it. Its gotten to the point that my self esteem is so low that I cannot orgasm unless my boyfriend calls me a fag or puts his hand across my mouth (which I ask him to do by the way). Now he sometimes refuses because hes seen the effect it has on me so instead I just imagine it even more degrading in my head. I go through suiCidal episodes where I feel like I truly want to die but later when I calm down I want to try to feel better if not for me then at least for the world. Please help I just want to die",Depression +11357,"In a week I will be gone and this message will be a fragment of who I was. I have to do it, not only because I am in pain but to make sure I never inflict pain again. People say it is selfish but they do not live inside my mind, I am protecting them. They will feel grief, sadness, and confusion. But they will live on and I will eventually be forgotten. I will make sure they know how shitty of a person I really was inside. Now, some people disagree with me, say I am not shitty. They say I am human. Humans make mistakes, humans can be selfish, humans lie, humans act on emotions, humans think messed up things.If these things are true I have no desire to be human. I really hope there is no after life for me because I just want it all to end. Life is not for me. Being human is not for me. I want no part in this world.Beauty exists to some, I see it in other people. Beautiful people like you reading this post, possibly wanting to save me but I believe it is not possible for me.People say things get better, but in my case the world would need to change. Human nature would need to change for me to ever be happy.When people talk about fing girls and just getting fucked up and stuff like that. I do not like it, maybe insecure and weak. But I just want love. Happiness. I do not think anyone reading this will understand.On top of everything, I am am terrified of becoming a bad person. I am terrified of rejection. I am terrified of being hurt. I am terrified of myself. I am so scared and so hurt. I desperately want this pain to go away. People just keep recommending me breathing technique, or excessive, or coping skills. I appreciate the kindness and caring but, I do not want to feel better. I want to die. I think I am really doing it.",Suicidal +11358,The fact that our culture has no place for it is one of the reasons I hate our culture.I do not want to go to Japan for the weeb stuff only (that too) but I have always respected that they at least have a functional concept of noble self-exit. I mean c'mon. I have always believed suicide to be a human right.,Suicidal +11359,"I have battled with depression my whole life and I am realizing now that its not even the depression I am fighting anymore. I have realized that I truly have no place in this world. I do not belong anywhere, I am not loved by anyone, I am not doing anything but taking up space and burdening people. I think its time for me to go. I have no place in this world.",Depression +11360,I am leaving tonight. My boyfriend left me and the pain is too much. I left him a long text and voicemail. I love him but I cannot live without him. I know I am selfish but I cannot be here without the love of my life. Bye,Suicidal +11361,"How does it not sound selfish to want people to notice that you are not okay? Do i have to purposely slip up on 'accident' and just show everything? it is not like you can ask someone to check up on you. That just sounds weird. People have their own lives to care about, so it definitely is selfish to ask. I am not the main priority, it is not anybody's responsibility to make sure I am okay other than mine. It is selfish, is not it. Is it selfish to want people to care?",Suicidal +11362,I want to stop feeling depressed n wanting to end my life but I really do not know how. What am I suppose to do I want to feel better but Idk how,Suicidal +11363,"I have been diagnosed with ADHD since early childhood and autism since 21. &nbsp;&nbsp;Its nearly my 26th and my mind is now ruminating over the notion that life truly is meaningless; that it is inevitable we will inflict suffering on one another; that we will suffer from not just the presence of pain but also the abscence of the certain kinds of happiness we individually want; that we could be born into a life of suffering (a nagging existential thought since my teenage years); that we are at the mercy of our emotions sometimes; that the end of the universe will freeze us to death.&nbsp;&nbsp;This is probably why society shuns suicide and mental illness: they do not want people getting these kinds of ideas and adding them up.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let me affirm that there is an opposing statement to my statement: the controversial Omega Point.&nbsp;&nbsp;Overthinking too much. Its terrifying we cannot control the circumstances of our birth and our emotions, that we are not entitled to anything and entropy will kill us.",Suicidal +11364,"At one point I was having fun doing these things. Its true that robotics competition taught me useful skills like how to code and build, but I was more obsessed with actually winning than learning. Unfortunately for younger me, school teams coaches were focused on ensuring every student learned something and I never had teammates that were super passionate about winning the competition. In hindsight, Its not like winning really mattered anyway. Now for video games, i do not think playing them is bad until you start playing them to avoid your problems in real life or with the dream to go pro in some esport title. I wish I had realized that before i spent thousands of hours alone in front of the screen honing my skills. I never actually stuck to the same game either, i just played whatever was trending at my school during the time. I suppose I was the best there at competitive, but that is a pretty meaningless title. Compared to the rest of the country I am nothing.I used anime/tv and youtube as a means to escape reality as well. I did not make new friends in high school and would watch stuff for 3-4 hours a day (while maintaining my grades so my parents would not kill me)I tried to be a youtuber/streamer just like every other internet kid but that takes talent and effort over timeI also spent a lot of time trying being a game dev but i lacked the skill. I had a little success trading on steam but i still consider that time wasted because its not a very useful skill.I did manage to lose weight and get in better shape and got into a good computer science program but I have lost my passion for programming and math. Its just become a thing i do at this point. I have started to have binge eating episodes and currently am on medication. It seems to have numbed my feelings. I occasionally feel intense despair and hunger but that is about it, usually i feel nothing.I have been to counseling but i just do not care enough to go anymore, what more can they do than say everyone makes mistakes. you are still so young and can make a ton of friends in college. do not compare yourself to others. What even is a friend anyway? Also do not really have a great relationship with my parents if you have not guessed alreadyI do not have any skills that can get me paid other than programming. I hope i start enjoying it again soon. I am interested in entrepreneurship but its not the most safe thing to pursueTL;DR I wish i was more productive and social as a kid instead of a loner that grinded pointless tasks. Also lost passion for current major but too afraid to switch. Feels like I am headed for a boring life. [M18]I feel like i wasted an unhealthy amount of my childhood doing things that stopped being fun and do not provide any value (video games, competitive robotics, and watching youtube/tv/anime)",Depression +11365,"I am sitting in the hospital bed. Not for trying to die, but to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I am on an EEG, trying to figure out what seizure disorder I have. Despite having multiple episodes, I was told it is a ""normal EEG"". To me, that is a relief, and a crushing thing to say. I do not know what is wrong with me. I have been getting anxiety attacks left and right. I have lost so much. I lost my family on my dad's side. I lost my grandparents and Aunt on my mom's side. I feel like I am losing. My girlfriend I feel like is trying to distance herself from me, but from what I was told she is not. However she wants to be Poly, and idk if I can follow that path without being crushed. Ig I will give it a chance. Maybe that might change. She does not want to lose me, yet I think this is her excuse to get away from me to make it seem harmless. I am losing. I am losing the battle that keeps me alive and I cannot even tell anyone anymore. I am lost. I keep hoping that things will get better, yet no matter where I have turned in my life they never get better. I might be stuck undiagnosed forever. I might have no SO forever. I might not have family that loves me forever.But here I stay... I keep my hopes up, and pray that things will be better when I am an adult. all I have to do is stay hopeful. I guess... Here I stay...",Depression +11366,Dammit another night laying in the dark scrolling reddit. Just want to sleeeeerp. cannot sleep,Depression +11367,I am not on any medication but I suffer from major depression. I opted for therapy. My eyes burn so bad from fatigue. Anyone else? Eyes burning.,Depression +11368,I left my previous job because of COVID 19 concerns last Year and having to help family and such. It was my choice to leave but given the pandemic my old job was unable to transfer me to another position. I went through a small phase of depression after I left thinking it was momentary. I started a new job in the same field. Thinking that if I got back in the swing of things I could rid myself of depression and be productive again. Its the complete opposite of what I thought it would be. The people who I work with openly do not like me because of my association with my previous organization. Yes we are all adults and I cannot push off negative comments because I do not care but it makes me miss my old job and the environment and positivity that was there. Its almost been a year now since I started at this new job but I am finding myself crying more and more because I am so depressed from missing my old job. It was a calling and I loved what I did. I keep trying to tell myself to hang in there and it was just a right choice at the wrong time but I am still struggling even though I am doing something similar to what I was doing. I know this all sounds silly but I am trying to decide whether taking the risks to try to go back outweighs any negative backlash I may receive from those I work with. I have never been this upset over something like a job. But its almost been a year trying to open my options and viewpoints and my depression is getting worse. Depressed over an old job?,Depression +11369,"I am honestly not really sure where to ask this but I am very confused by who I am supposed to confide in and for what.I am finding that my meds for depression are not working and my doctor said I should see a psychiatrist but then when I tried getting a referral to a psychiatrist they said my doctor should be managing my meds? My doctor also said he suspects that I have cptsd so should I see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed? Will that help me?One thing I do know is I need a therapist so I am in search of one but I am so confused about everything else because even medical professionals are giving me mixed responses. Thank you. Psychiatrist, psychologist or GP?",Depression +11370,"I have never made a post on reddit, but I feel like now is an okay time to tryAs per the title I am 21 years old (male) and I am starting to go bald. I do not want to make this post too long or anything but this really is the last thing I need right now and all of my suicidal thoughts are coming back and I do not know what to do. Growing up I had almost no self esteem, I am barely 5'5"" in a family of tall people and up until last year I was overweight. I have struggled with depression since I was 14 as well, and I let myself go all through high school. I am gay, and still not out of the closet, so I had no reason to want to even try to look nice up until last year.I decided that I was sick of being lonely so I started to work on myself, I got in shape, I bought clothes for the first time in three years or so, and I started to do my hair for once. It was all going great, and I started to feel pretty good about myself. Up until three or four months ago, when my hair started to fall out in droves. I went from having a thick, nice head of hair, to now being at the point that you can pretty much see my scalp no matter how I do my hair. I am devastated. Just when I started to care about myself, and try to get out and meet people, and maybe even start trying to date, this has to happen. I have gone to my doctor and got blood work and all that, and the verdict is it is genetic and just coming on strong. I do not have money for implants, and even if some ointment or whatever works my hair is already so far gone I am afraid it will not ever be the same. I do not want to do this anymore. Every time I start to feel happy or at peace with myself something happens and tears me down to nothing. All I can think about is killing myself now, again. The medicine does not work at all. I have tried a cocktail of anti depressants and this always happens. There is no happy pill, life is always going to suck no matter what my attitude towards it is. It feels like someone is watching me in some Truman show scenario and fucking with aspects of my life to drive me to suicide. I am so alone, and losing my hair is the nail in the coffin. I work construction, do not interact with anyone but my boss, one coworker and my family, and I am unattractive. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. My teens and 20s were supposed to be the happiest of my life and I have only spent them miserable. I do not want to live another 50-60 years like this.The good moments just have not been worth dealing with all the misery to get to them. I cannot love myself no matter how hard I try, I do not want to hurt myself but I am breaking down so badly right now. I have been banging my stupid head on the walls in my room so hard I have a headache still, I cannot stop thinking about how ugly I am. I keep randomly bursting into tears in my room alone and then calming down and then sobbing again 10 minutes later. This is high school all over again and I do not want this. there is so much else on my mind right now besides the hair but the hair is what is finally pushing me over the edge. I am trying my best to appear normal for my family and not depressed but inside I am a complete wreck and it is only getting worse and worse and worse and worse and I cannot take this anymore Going bald at 21 is the final straw",Suicidal +11371,1) Nothing.2) End it.3) Not play this game anymore. Things I want to do with my life.,Suicidal +11372,"I woke up being sad and feeling unhappy about not being able to do anything. This feeling that my hands are tied and I am stuck and cannot do anything. I am going to try something different, Ill move for the next four hours no matter how I feel. I am going to clean up my house which is a complete mess, throw my trash away and do my laundry. I will write my journal. I just wanted to share this here for accountability before I sink in to my thoughts again. Thanks for listening! Not feeling great!",Depression +11373,"I am thinking about my last letters to everybody. There are very clear reasons for my mental state (abusive mother, therapist who does not care), some less clear contributors (relatives and friends who do not care) and of course the innocents (children, nice people with own issues).I wish to tell these people who made the decision not to care, but still I am afraid that in the end, mother and therapist blame me or others, and the innocents are left to wonder what they did wrong. I sort of do not want to be a dick to anyone, but I also do not want people to use this to their own ignorance. I mean there might be someone they could save (at least the therapist) in the future if they realize it is in their power. How would you write about it? Blaming others or not",Suicidal +11374,"I am 16, I have been thinking about ending it all every hour of every day for the last 2 weeks. Usually its very passive and its just in the back of my head but lately it seems to be very in my face? Its very hard to explain but for the most part all I can think about its how or when I am going to end it all. I was raised to be emotionless so I am very secretive about how I am feeling on the inside and show no emotion on the outside so my parents do not even know I am even thinking about killing myself, hell they do not even know I am sad and lonely. I have been mostly socially isolated since I was around 11 due to my parents feeling it was necessary for me to be home schooled due to severe bullying (I was severely injured by a group of older students, so I can kind of see why?) but it was mainly my dads decision with my mom not liking the idea, even though I stated multiple times on how I feel homeschooling is a mistake and will only lead to failure, 4 years later and now it feels like ill never be able to fit into society again, I mean I have completely forgotten how to talk to people. This year I have convinced my mom to put me back in due to my ""dad"" not being as close to the family. But at what cost? All I want now is death, plain and simple. All I know is I am not living past the age of 21, It feels as if I am destined to kill myself, no other ways out I must take my own life to escape this hell. I know even later on in life that if my mother dies its all over for me, so why even give birth to me in the first place?I have argued with my mom about how you should not have children if you are incapable of giving them a good childhood and she usually uses the same bullshit excuse of ""Well I know I could not be a good mom back then so now I will try to be a good mom now"" No, those were meant to be the best years of my life, before I had responsibilities before I was even thinking about the future. For those who are wondering my Mom and Dad divorced pretty young in my life, I mean so early on that I do not even fucking remember them being together. Something about my dad having some mental health issues and being extremely violent but even still they stayed in contact due to them obviously having to ""take care of me and my 2 older siblings"". Now for most of my early years whenever my mother had a problem with how I was acting instead of dealing with it herself she would just drop me off at my fathers house and let him deal with it. Now not to mention that his shitty old house was filled with bugs to the point where I could not sleep and had reoccurring nightmares about small little bugs crawling all over me and I would wake up in a panic. Not to mention he was pretty verbally abusive. Pretty much the average shitty father shebang. There is a lot of what hes said to me and done to me that I never told my mom and kept inside and I still do. I mean for example one of the things hes said to me is ""If you turn out to be some gay disappointment I will crush your fucking skull and I do not care if I go to prison because it will be better then knowing that I raised a shitbag"" Keep in mind I was 11 years old, and well it obviously worked because I am extremely afraid of even being friends with other guys. I have so much pent up sadness and anger that I just simply cannot express due to me not knowing how and being a emotionless person for so long. If I would have known back then that I could have called someone to get me out of this shithole I would have back then but now there is not even much of a point because the damage has already been done.I have never gotten therapy or anything because I never said anything because I was so young I did not understand what any of this meant and since it was so long ago I do not know how to bring up this trauma and all of this other feelings of sadness and guilt with my mother because for 1. How are you meant to bring something like that up to the same person who somewhat caused it, and 2. I would not even know how to bring something like that up because of my outwards image as a emotionless zombie. Which has lead to me seriously hurting myself mentally and psychically by cutting. I mean there is truly 0 hope, victim of obvious child abuse, lacking in education, socially inept there is is no way out I have 0 future. I mean I love my mom, she is changed so much in the last 2 years after she found out what my dad did to my older brother and has cut him out of our lives so I am not mad at her I just cannot trust her. I know I must die soon. I know all its going to take is for one thing to go wrong and then I am done, ill make that impulse decision and kill myself. Honestly my thoughts on death have changed so much since I was young. It went from ""holy shit I do not want to die"" to ""holy shit can someone fucking kill me already?"" I have already tried to overdose on Benadryl off of a impulse decision after a argument with my mom, rushed to hospital blah blah idk why anyone would try to save me but its still funny how my mom still did not question how I would even accidently take that much which just shows that nobody fucking cares. I have already planned how I will kill myself when I am feeling that impulse decision, I will take my belt and hang myself. Due to me being able to take some amount of psychical pain from me cutting myself I am sure I can handle that 2 minutes before I pass out from lack of oxygen. I mean the more and more I think about it the more appealing it sounds. I get to feel nothing! You know how awesome that sounds? I wish I could feel nothing today, unable to think or do just relax. I have not been relaxed in such a long time I would kill just to not feel tense. I do not think I have gotten more then 6 hours of sleep for the last couple of months which is just slowly driving me up the fucking wall. I am becoming more and more easily frustrated at the smallest things, I mean I got mad at not being able to find my razor to hurt myself its gotten so bad. I will fucking end it soon, I have lost the fear of death and now I am somewhat determined to kill myself. If I cannot hang myself then I will endure the pain until I am 21, buy a gun and will not fucking hesitate to blow my brains out the instant I come home that day. Its weird how I am not mad at anyone but myself, I ware my self down on everything. &#x200B;I have been alone for so long, do I even want death? do I want to just escape from the problems? I just want a hug man, I just want someone that i can just fucking hug and cry and tell them all of my problems. I have too much trust issues with my mom to do that and my siblings are all way older then me and I have never been super close to them. I have never been super close to anyone i have never felt loved by someone not even myself what is the fucking point? it just sucks knowing that ill die a nobody fucking loser but its not like i can change it. sucks knowing that ill probably not make it past 2023 but who cares anymore everything becomes irrelevant when you are faced with death. if there is a higher being that decided they were going to give me a shit life then ill be the higher being to fucking take it away. abused early in life and feeling unloved. I want to fucking die. I have no future.",Suicidal +11375,"I have one second when I wake up where I do not know that I lost my baby two days ago. One second of pain free existence before the sharp excruciating realisation hits me. My reason to life is gone. My hope is dead like the embryo that exited my body and lay on the floor.Others find having a child so easy. Not me. 7 years of IVF, hoping and praying. All prayers answers with that healthy heartbeat on the scan 3 days ago. No No No No it cannot be.Let me sleep forever. Being awake is sharp and nightmarish. Cruel existence. Waking up is hell",Suicidal +11376,This took me a little thinking on whether or not to post this but I am willing to talk if you need some help I am not the best at giving advice but I will still at least try to help and you do not want to use Reddit then we can talk on discord and If anyone does see this and needs to talk or have some advice then please let us talk I hope after we talk I at least helped you in the least bit If you want to talk then we can talk I might be able to help,Depression +11377,"I saw a tweet that said Depression is crazy because If you do not actively combat it daily you will find yourself a week after having the best week of your life laying on the floor for two hours wondering why you cannot get up.To be honest, I have been in and out a deep depressive state for a last few months. Everything is just overwhelming me. I recently noticed when I brush my teeth and wash my face 2x a day I feel more normal. Even though its simple. I just feel more together and less depressed. Like self care. I do want to shower more too. What are some things you do? Do you think daily journaling will help too? What are some daily things you do to help control your depression?",Depression +11378,"That makes me really depressed and wanting to kill myself. idk how to digest it, I feel bad about how I look and my life circumstances. genetics and societal beauty standard sucks.Like I do not really want to be alive while being like this yaknow? I am already alone without any personal support and dealing with my depression and social insecurities and this makes everything much more difficult for me.Being ugly to that degree just turns my human existence to shit. how am I supposed to deal with that??My life has been fucking hell and sometimes it feels like it keeps getting worse, especially in social situations like that. My friend told me that if they had not known me they would be scared that I would rape and assault them during night-time because I look ugly/creepy/scary",Depression +11379,"Hello.the suicide help line is too busy and my therapist is asleep, so thought I might try here. I have a plan to end it all in a few days. I cannot check myself into a psych ward because I do not have the money to afford it.help please I am having a really bad night",Suicidal +11380,"Hope this is allowed if not get rid of it . Just wanted to get something off my chestIm 22 recently graduated from college I found out at half one this morning thst i was rejected for my dream job (througha friend thst got onto the next stsge) . Another rejection to add to the list. I have already been rejected by all the other msjor companies in the field I am graduating into in this country. I am a laughing stock and a waste of space. A let down to my fsmily and all my dead relatives whom I promised that i would make proud. I have not. I cannot put myself through another interview process. How could I? I will be turned down . I know I am good at what I do but nobody can see that. The people who matter do not have faith in me. what is wrong with me? Why am i so useless as a person? As for my personal life? Another stream of rejections. Any time I get close to somebody romantically it takes them about 3 dates for her to realise I am a waste of their time. I am not a horrible person either. Quite the opposite I have been told that too often I am too nice to people. Maybe that is my lack of worth as a person manifesting itself through helping somebody else. I do not hate my life i just hate that I am who I am . I wish I could be anybody else. Somebody of worth. Somebody that is not humiliated every time they do an interview, every time they ask a girl out, everytime they think they are getting somewhere. Why bother? I am a waste of breath and I wish i could change thst but I am too far gone. Before you think my ill feeling towards myself manifests itself in interviews etc it does not i cover it up. And the last time i was told i was not good enough for a job ie todsu it was not even an interview as such but a task. I do not even know why I am posting this. It is not a cry for help, it is not a pity me fest. it is more so a case of needing to get it off my chest. Sorry for being a burden not only to you but onto my fsmily and my wider social circle. I had not seen a man more useless until i looked in the mirror. Have a nice day, i can assure you it will be better than mine I feel completely useless and hopeless. I am a joke of a person . Endless rejections in personal amd work life have made me realise how worthless I am.",Depression +11381,"My journal writes from the year my twin brother died are indistinguishable from my writings now. I have spent the better part of the last 12 years dragging myself through trauma therapy, complicated grief therapy, CBT, DBT, medications, hospitalizations and more. I am functional but I feel such relentless despair that I get dizzy facing it.His death is so fundamentally irreconcilable to me that sometimes I feel I could bring him back out of sheer will. Every passing day it feels more like a nightmare or simulation. I cannot bring myself to want to accept it when all I want in my heart is for him to have his life back. I am 25 and I am terrified that this will eat me alive. After all I have tried, I do not know what kind of help to seek out and I fear I am a lost because. I do not want to be this way but I have done all I know to do and I need help. Fearing my illness is terminal but wanting it not to be",Depression +11382,"Take this pain away, just one girl, love me. Please. Take this pain away, please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please &#x200B;take this pain away, why do I keep going? Why do I keep trying, never being loved, please tell me, why I am never loved for who I am, for what I do. I do not know, I cannot say, I just want this loneliness to end. Please, Take this pain away. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please ,please, no more. No more loneliness, no more pain, dragging suffering, torment. Bullies, dragged down every day. Please, why, please, why, please, please, please ,please, why, please, no more pain, no more pain no more pain, no more pain no more pain no more pain no more pain no more pain no more pain no more pain no more pain. Stop hurting me, please, please, stop, please take this all away. Away from all of this pain.&#x200B;&#x200B;Why why, why, why, nothing, no more, just no more, just no more, w- it will not be long now. Just another push, to go away. From all of you. All of you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you.'I want a girl to have feelings for me, for once in my life. there is not much time left in all these years of loneliness, death, let me just die, let me die please, please let me die, please let me die, please let me die, please let me die, please let me die, please let me die, please let me die. Closer to the End",Suicidal +11383,"What do you do when you know you are not enough?What do you do when you see that you still cannot make it?How do you deal with the fact that even when you actually put yourself into something and give it all your time you will never be good enough?How do you fight the urge to just give it all up? While knowing that giving up will make you feel like shit....and how can I?How can I live knowing that even if I like doing something, I enjoy it, I will not be good at it never. And I know that if a really feel in peace doing it then I should just enjoy that, but I want to be ACTUALLY GOOD AT IT, it is not like I am asking to be the best but dammit I am not even better than myself from 2 years ago.And I am doing my physical and mental best.How do you go through life knowing that no matter how hard you try you will not be better.I try, and try, and try, and I try a little harder because I tell myself ""this time I will make it"", ""This is my chance"", still nothing. What do you do when you find yourself there. What do you do?",Depression +11384,"Personally, I do not want to kill myself, but if I could push a button and erase myself and everything I have ever done from existence I would. I do not want to hurt anyone by leaving, I just want to not exist and let people keep living their lives normally My thoughts on suicide",Depression +11385,"I can feel myself losing it. I feel numb or angry. I feel angry with the world and feel contempt towards everyone in it.it is been the year from hell: I was raped on a date, my seizure disorder returned, my therapy dog recently died of a sudden brain aneurysm,a friend of mind has covid and likely will not make it and I am being stalked by a creepy couple.I am done, I am angry and I am starting to want the world to feel my pain. What do I do? Losing it",Depression +11386,"I am going to tell you that my mom and as dad are the best parents that a man like me could ever ask for and I am sorry for ending my life short. This is not a reflection on you or your parenting but just a reflection on how I see the world as it is right now and I do not like it. I see so much misery and pain. So much fog and I do not see anything in my way. You have given me so much but I feel like I am not worthy on this planet. I want to see Koda again. My best friend who still after 2 years after we had to put her down I cry and think about her. I want you to know I made a melody for her on my guitar and I played for her less than a day that she died. She must have loved it because I gave my all when I played it and I want to play it for her one more time and I want to know how she feels about it. A man's best friend is his dog, if he has nobody else and that was my girl, Koda! No animal has ever made me feel stupid and my friends have made me feel smart. Jack is my boy and I have always wanted him to be happy and the only task that I will give you is to honor him as my angel. Feed him honorably. Pet him and scratch his tummy. Give him regular walks. Bath him regularly. Love him 24/7. Please be patient with him. do not hit or yell. Please play with him!!!!To my lovely sisters I want you to know that I cherish the lovely days when we were kids. Playing Nintendo 64 together and watching you play meant the world to me and it still does. I have tried reconciling that joy thorough watching people stream but it has never brought up the memory of when we were little. Thank you for helping me and mothering me when I needed it the most. I will never forget the times when we huddled up crying and embracing each other while our parents fought. It did not scar me but I hate to remember those times when our parents hurled insults back at each other. Money now seems like such a waste. But anyways I want you to know that I care for you so much. I would do anything to make you feel safe. I am the baby of the family and have always felt like the black sheep. A gay man who was curse with fantasizing. My head can never shut up and I am fed up with it. No meds or therapy can take away the pain. Life is just a void of work and misery till you die. I could have a billion dollars in the bank but I know I would just be drinking eating and smoking till my inevitable passing. Die now in my prime or die after years of mental torture. I truly do not see another side to this. A final note id like to make is to my nephew Bryce. I want you to know sweety is that I have always loved you and care for you deeply. I missed those days when you under a year old and I was feeding, burping, bathing and changing you. I greatest moment ill never forget is when you had a big accident and poop was all over my arms but I want grossed out. I knew that was most important was to make sure you were safe and clean. I will never forget when I was giving you a bath in the sink and I turned to grab a rag on the floor and turn to see you peeing a fountain in the water and making eye contact with me and giggling. that is when I knew you were a special child with a great personality. Such a boy like your mother. I hope that you turn into a Warrior and not let anyone step in your way. You fight like a champion but you never throw the first fist or hurl the first insult. You are better than that. You be respectful and kill your enemies with kindness. Then ditch them to rot in the filth that is not towards you. Walk away.I love you all. Please cre mate me and throw my ashes with Koda in the ocean so we can be at peace together. I am getting lost in my hopes and dreams, I cannot see far, but I know I can see, Everything is a blur to me, But I am hoping for some visibility, I thank my God for all I have,that is why I am going to die noble, In not going to die sav,I know I need to grow up,I know I need to learn, But I feel that all of my fears, Will leave me 3rd degree burned. Suicide note #1",Depression +11387,I have terminal cancer. I do not know how long I have left to live but every day I just feel like I want to end it. I hate watching my husband suffer as he cares for me. I hate my young children seeing me go through so much pain. I feel so depressed all the time and am exhausted from fighting. Suicidal thoughts with terminal cancer,Suicidal +11388,"Like the title says, only 25, should be in the prime of my life, my brain feels like it is about 50 already though. Used to be so smart as a kid, and now I feel like between the drugs and the alcohol I can never reach my full potential. My memory is starting to go already, and I truly do not get any enjoyment out of anything anymore. I have a good job, probably with the most desired company in my field in my city. Beautiful woman who loves me, and still do not feel fulfilled. Feel like every single day is just going through the motions because it is what I should do. Still think of suicide literally every day, but just power through and try to ignore it and not let anyone know. Feel like I am only 25 and ruined my mind already.",Depression +11389,"for over 2 years now as a straight girl I have been struggling with the realization that the majority of men whether they claim to be straight, bisexual, or gay, enjoy sex with men much more than they enjoy it with women. men nowadays do not show much interest in women at all. most men are far more sexually satisfied by men than women, and i feel like any man who says otherwise is in denial. this has been the because for multiple suicide attempts as i am in a relationship with my boyfriend and am very in love with him but live in terrible fear that he would deep down enjoy being with a man more than with me. i do not know what is wrong with me. i feel so unsexy, undesired, and so sexually unwanted. no one wants women sexually anymore. it hurts so bad. it makes me contemplate suicide every day, like why am i even trying if I will never be enough for any man? it is either that or it is the fact that men do not consider women to be funny, or cool, or worthy of any accomplishments. it makes me so sad. my boyfriend means the absolute world to me, i love him with all of my heart, and I am so attracted to him i have barely even felt sexual attraction to any other guy since I have known him. and to think that maybe i hypothetically am not the best he could get sexually makes me ache. maybe he would be better off if i died and left him to be with some hot guy, as all guys want nowadays. men even prefer femboys over girls now. it is like girls will never be enough. men are not even sexually into women anymore. feeling like shit as a girl, i feel so unwanted in this world.",Suicidal +11390,"Its very hard for me to write this because I know I have people who love me and care about me. I am 27 years old now and have no clue what to do with my life, I work as a labourer but it is something I do not enjoy and spend between 60-70 hours a week doing it, I basically have no free time to do anything I enjoy. I often find myself frustrated that this is what my life has become. I would try and find something else but anything I apply for I never hear back from or not qualified for. When I was in high school I was very athletic, great social life and everyone thought highly of me. Now I am an embarrassment and I have gained almost 100 pounds. I gamble and eat/drink all of my money away and people think I am not good at anything. I basically feel like a walking joke, I have no idea how my life ended up this way. When I go to work and think of all of the things i would rather be doing it really hurts, my passions are slowly fading and I am turning into a zombie. I honestly feel like there is no hope for me and I am starting to wish I was never born. I am heading down a dark path and I feel it slowly get worse every day that goes by. I have lost the will to live",Depression +11391,For the past five years I have slowly added music to a playlist that has Rhythmically Uplifting beats. Two different playlists include (1950s to 1980s) and (1990s to Now). Available on both Apple Music and Spotify. Help me help you and others.. share music that has helped you through the hard times.,Depression +11392,"It has been ruff life. I know, I have a good life. I know, I have not been making great choices of life, but it is only way for me not to go. Jobs has been low paying jobs with no befits. A body, who hate itself, ""I have psoriasis"" I live a part of the United State that so races that people do not understand that is not cool. Both parents are in a better place, so they do not have to worry about me. &#x200B;Why do we have hope to live a better live, when we go to school? The only thing I got from ITT was huge bill to pay back, with school debt collector, bug me everyday to make payment. I was hoping going to school would help me get a career, but my mind was hoping to pay it off soon after getting that job I learn how to do, from a school that teach me how to do thing that learn from that school.Why was I lucky to have this body that rip itself apart? Every part of my body that have a snake like feel skin. It can be easy to rip to let blood come out. Having dry skin that flak, people are scare or disgust. Yes, I have tried remedy from web forms and people recommendation to deal my curse skin. All of them have some kind after effect. Greasy feeling, weird smell, or overprice ingredient, I am so done home remedy. Even when I had heath insurance, ""the Affordable Care Act"" from the government, It was still so expensive from the doctor visits and medication. This year did not start out that well with Covid just took my Father way. So what is left? How to live? How can you save money when shit happen, and a income that not good enough have a easy of life? Is it worth to say alive? Fake school, and not able to enjoy life. Body want me to bleed though the skin to death. I do not have any family left.",Suicidal +11393,"I have been depressed off and on for, Id say 2 years now without fail. It goes away for maybe some hours or days and then I am just back into bad thoughts, baddd feelings. Has anyone recovered from being severely depressed? How did you get better? Is there any success stories out there to help me so I do not lose all hope and do something stupid? Does it ever actually let up?",Depression +11394,"i recovered from my eating disorder. i survived homelessness and living in a nursing home at age 24. i have 2 perfect children. i recovered mostly from my PTSD. I am in a paying band and still getting better as a musician. i have friends. i have other hobbies. I am still pushing myself to grow more.and i still want to fucking kill myself. i think about it every fucking day of my life, whether I am having a good day or bad, it does not matter, my brain will randomly throw it out there at least a few times. I have had 10 years of therapy, been hospitalized half a dozen times, been medicated and off meds. i cannot actually kill myself because my kids are young. but it sounds so nice. when i was a child i would comfort myself at night by imagining i did not exist and it still makes me sad i cannot just close my eyes and sleep and never wake up. i hate myself for being like this and i wish it would stop. it never stops. nothing stops it",Suicidal +11395,"I feel so lonely, I have hit rock bottom and i do not have anyone to talk to. I do not even have energy to actually commit suicide. I keep wishing to get a terminal disease or a heart attack and die right now. I want life to kill me just so i do not have to. I am exhausted",Suicidal +11396,"I will have the most psychotic violent and depraved thoughts or flashes go through my mind daily, and it is ruining me. Just earlier I had a laughing fit over thinking about how I could overpower a man and skin him. I could cut out a chunk of flesh and heat it up and eat it if I wanted to and there is not anything to stop me. it is totally fucked up but I started laughing thinking about this and this is only the iceberg. I did not used to be like this and I am terrified of what is going on in my head its non stop too from the moment I wake up till bed it is just horrible Feel like I am going insane and becoming a danger",Depression +11397,"I am 20 years old (M) and have been having recurring nightmares for the past month that my gay best friend (34M) blew me while I was blackout drunk and passed out. I was slightly worried that it might not have been a dream, but thought there was no way he would ever do something like that.For some background: He had tried to stick his hands down my pants numerous times one night, doing it successfully once and fondling me. I did not talk to him for a year and told him when I got back in contact with him how much it messed me up, and that if he ever did anything like that again Id never speak to him. He promised me he would not.Today I was messaging him and told him that I got a new girlfriend, and he made a comment saying that he wishes he could have blown me again. I asked him what the fuck he was talking about, and he said nothing I guess... and we conversed a bit more and he said that he sucked my dick when we were both drunk.I genuinely thought it was just a vivid nightmare, but it was not. I feel violated, in shock, devastated, enraged, and a million other emotions I cannot begin to describe. I do not know how to deal with this. I have been depressed lately and going through a lot as it is, and this is another huge blow to my mental health.Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I Was Raped By My Best Friend & do not Know How To Process It",Depression +11398,"Tw: Suicidal IdeationLast weekend I met up with my ex who I used to (and still do) love very much. It was great for a day and a half...Then my anxiety started kicking in. I started over analyzing everything he did during the time we spent together. I started to ruminate. And now it feels like all of the progress I have made has gone down the drain. I was not exactly going upwards in the week proceeding the meetup either, but it was not this bad. I am currently on anti-depressants, but I feel like they are not helping right now. I had two panic attacks yesterday, over really stupid stuff that should not matter in the long run since what I was considering were hypotheticals anyway. I also got drunk for the first time tonight, and that felt good. Had some sloppy sex with an FWB, and it was good. And now I feel bad again. Empty. On the way over to his place, I started thinking about suicide again. Like what if I decided to take my antidepressants before I was fully sober again, and kill myself? What if I just stopped caring and drove my car into a pole at 50+ mph?Like, I cannot handle this. I have been in love with him for more than a year after our breakup. These feelings refuse to leave, no matter what I do. I have done talk therapy, I have gotten a new job, I have tried going to college, studying, working myself into the ground, getting enough sleep and exercise, eating healthy. All of it for a month or so at a time, and I just do not feel good. I have also tried the quick fixes, like pot, alcohol, and sex. Oh, and the anti-depressants.These things do help, do not get me wrong, but especially recently I have been feeling like utter crap. And these feelings because guilt, and because me to want to reach out to him, and I know my ex would not push me away, but I do not want to rely on him too much. And talking about these things somehow make it worse... And I feel entirely at a loss for how to express my emotions without annoying, burdening, or causing other people pain. Being in love is getting tiresome. Trying to move on is getting tiresome. Life is getting tiresome. And to be clear... I do not blame my ex for any of this. I reached out to him. It was my fault for seeing him before I was ready. it is my problem, and I need to figure out how to fix it. I am So Confused",Depression +11399,"So I usually take Desvenlafaxine (100mg) + Clonazepam (1mg) in the night. And Bupropion 150 XL and Clonazepam (0.25mg) + Propranolol (20mg) in the morning.This morning I ended up taking Desvenlafaxine (100mg) + Clonazepam (1mg) again in the morning along with Clonazepam (0.25mg) + Propranolol (20mg). I got super nervous when I realised the mistake and tried to voluntarily throw up to get the tablets out but no such luck. I have messaged by doctor regarding this but meanwhile if you has any insights as to what to expect and what can I do about it, it would be great. Help! Double dosed on my antidepressant!",Depression +11400,i have nothing else to live for at this point going to kill myself after my father passes away,Suicidal +11401,"Exactly as the title says. I am supposed to be the strong one, I cannot talk to my family about these thoughts, I cannot talk to my friends, I cannot talk to the women in my life. I am supposed to be the strong one, that is why they like me. that is who I am to myself too. So I cannot talk to someone under the ultimatum that these thoughts imply. I cannot bring myself to have to pay some therapist to listen. When my sister tried to kill herself I am who she called for help. When my mother needs protection from my psychotic brother I am who they call. When he needs saving I am who he calls. When my friends need serious advice I am who they turn to, and when I last turned to my best friend he ghosted me until I fell back into that role. Vut I still have to be here for him lmao. The women I have had in my life think I am some mysterious macho tough guy, but the second I reveal any vulnerability they pull back and I can see the disgust and pity on their faces and it hurts like nothing else, suicide would hurt lessI am the strong one, to myself and others. there is no ruining my image and honour by seeking ""help."" Never again. there is only seppuku. And If we lived in a society that viewed it in such terms instead of as weakness I would have done it a long time ago I am supposed to be the strong one",Suicidal +11402,"I am trying so hard to do game dev. I cannot even learn it at all, I have to watch tutorials. I am not even making a game I am just copying someone else The only passion I had I am not even good at",Suicidal +11403,"So I graduated with a degree that I did not want to pursue (medicine). I was influenced by relatives and people. I graduated feeling lost and not knowing which direction to take. I spent so much money on applications for graduate schools. I took two types of graduate entrance exams, but did not get accepted into any schools. I have to take a year gap now. My parents keep forcing me to rush. I am constantly involved in arguments with my parents. They keep telling me that "" I am a failure"", and continuously comparing me to other people. They tell me ""they wish they had other kids, not me"". They make fun of my anxiety. I am fighting a battle alone. I need help and advice! BTW, I am forced to live with my parents. I am not allowed to get my own car or be independent...etc. Need Help..Graduated with a degree that I am not passionate about. Parents think I am a failure",Depression +11404,"hi everyone, i am new to this subreddit because i have not really acknowledged that what i am going through is high functioning depression. i just want to babble on here and i hope to hear some nice warm fuzzy words bc i really need that right now.i am 17, a senior in high school & when i was in 8th grade i was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and social anxiety. my general anxiety disorder means all i do is overthink my actions, other people actions, what i do say or do not say, what other people say or do not say. I am a really sensitive and analytical anxious type of person. my social anxiety has put me at a crossroads of wanting to improve and get better but finding that when i try, it never goes in a overall positive direction, or i end up regretting putting myself out there because I am worried i did the wrong thing or people will not like me. to put it to scale, my social anxiety is the type where when i go to the grocery store and people just glance at me, i start to hyperfixate on what they are thinking of me. or when I am squeezing past someone and i say sorry excuse me and they do not really acknowledge me, i start to think they do not like me because of x, y, and z. i do go to therapy but sometimes i find that even when i tell my therapist i want comfort and she gives me the i am proud of you i feel like i cannot tell her the negative, shitty, and depressive thoughts i have because she will not be proud of me or that she will judge me (which even though she has every right to, my anxiety hates when i think people are judging me). i say i am high functioning because i have an internship and i do run multiple clubs and i do try in school & i do force myself to go out with my friends and put on a happy face to not worry them. reaching out to my friends are not an option because during the few times i did tell them about my sadness, i am met with a always here to talk but get declined calls and when i say I am doing bad in person, they never really know what to say, so the conversation ends at I have been feeling bad and a subject change happens. i have no hobbies because if I am not working, I am anxious and stressing and i just want to rest. i do not think I am in the mindset for hobby hunting even if that would be good for me. I am just tired of feeling this way and feeling so dark and grey and monotone inside. i feel like I am losing the personality traits i admired about my self and am slowly becoming this bleak and dull person inside and out. just need some kind words at the moment that things will get better that i will find myself again and that these months of darkness will not last forever (because it feels like it will)s please be kind, i am sensitive and fragile but this is reddit so who knows. thanks you all :) needing comfort rn",Depression +11405,because I am going to kill myself. I am done not being able to socialize. I am done being awkward. I am done with all the missed chances and awkward attempts at connection. This is the last time I will ever allow this to happen to me. The only way to endure that it never does is if I die. I stopped masturbating. So there is no point in living. I will never experience sexual release or intimacy. Every day I wish I was dead. She is the last girl that will ever get away,Suicidal +11406,"Basically I am stuck with a deformity I got as an infant which has ruined my face and life. It is called plagiocephaly and it was preventable but nothing was done. I always looked up to my dad because he was a very good looking man. I grew up always knowing something was wrong with my face because kids would always study it and I would get mixed reactions from girls when I was young. I have striking traits like deepset big eyes and a really good smile but it is all lopsided and looks weird from different angles. I have even been picked on before and told my face looked 'pinched' from one side. I had surgery to fix my mouth area and I am just all around confusing looking now since the only symmetric thing about me is my mouth. Yes, even my skull is visibly asymmetric and lopsided. I can look in the mirror sometimes and catch glimpses of how I should have looked and imagine my face normally and it depresses me. Being ugly has ruined my life",Depression +11407,"me and an ex had stopped talking last june for the final time. ever since then its been hell. it was a constant cycle of unblocking eachother and talking for a day then doing it again until one day she just told me she did not want to talk anymore and blocked me for the final time. a few months after that were the worst months of my life. barely going out of my room, eating once or twice a day small meals, sleeping the entire day, doing nothing. i handled it by myself and never told my parents or family about it, as i did not want to go see a therapist. i did not have any good friends to help me through it either. the feeling went away but now i just find myself getting more sad and irritated. I am not going anywhere in life. why am i still sad over stuff that happened over a year ago",Depression +11408,"Hello dear reader, Today I have been staring at the abyss and I feel so drawn to it, I feel it calling my name softly and gently, I feel like I should just give up. To many bad memories haunt my mind and cloud my thoughts, I still remember the first time I got hit. I do also remember being punched for being gay at the age of 13 by older men in their 18's, I also remember being raped by 2 cops when I was going home from my office when I was 21, I remember swallowing a lot of pills when I was 7 and tightening a rope around my neck when I was 9. I remember loosing an amazing friend one summer day because I did not feel like seeing him at all, because how could I explain that I was feeling vulnerable for the assaulted I have lived in the past, I remember how my father stop seeing me because I was not man enough and I did not know how to catch a ball with my hands, I remember walking home when I was 8 during a hurricane wanting to be blown away by the gusts of wind and I remember loosing the man I loved that die during a tragedy. A man that always told me how strong I was even though I do not have the physique he used to have, he was muscular, strong and kind as a gentle giant, still he always looked at me when we wake up as I was ""Hercules"" or some hero of the ancient times and he used to say: ""My love I wish someday I could be half as strong as you are"". &#x200B;I want to jump into the abyss or more like just stop holding on to life, but I do not want to die. I want to live, I want to leave behind my bad memories and my demons and my errors. If you God can read this I still believe with all my heart in you, I also know that you can see me. And in fact you are right here next to me, trying to reach my broken mended heart. It is silly to think that falling into the abyss will solve anything, but I am loosing my strength I have zero today, my heart is aching and my soul feels heavy and numb. I will not quit on living because I do want to deserve a happy ending, I want to be a nice, gentle man. Not a perfect one, not even a happy one. Just one with a future for me to build, I do not dream about travels, love, hope, boyfriends, friends, videogames or anything at all.I just want a second chance please, I will make it count and I will be humble about it. And that is my letter to you dear reader as you I do try to fight my very own darkness to keep it at bay, so that monster will not swallow me and let me still in my bed while my family sleeps on the same house. I have feel so much guilt in my life for being here, for being alive, for being able to breath. While so many people has lost their life due to and illness or an accident or a murderer. So my brothers and sisters out there can any of you help me lit my light because the night is here and I feel my light dimming and dying out, so please anyone out there.Be kind to me and bestow a little of your light so I can traverse this night and not fall into the void.With tears in my eyes, your brother Alex. Today it is my turn",Depression +11409,"I could not make myself get up. I feel like my therapist is annoyed by me, and my husband does not know what to say. I have made attempts before but I really do not want to go to the hospital. I am just kind of scared of my own self right now. did not get out of bed today, I feel so alone.",Suicidal +11410,"Why the internet just makes you jealous that someone out there is having a better life than you, smarter than you and that you are not special in the grand scheme of things and you are just here because your parents had you and diseases were introduced to control the offspring by emotionally blackmailing the population and your parents by either making your kids sick.&#x200B;You are either slave to religion or science choose your poison. Both are evil. Why the internet just makes you jealous",Depression +11411,"You work up the courage and do it. No afterlife, you simply cease to be. You are buried. Your family grieves but eventually move on. Everyone you ever knew and their children and their children live and die. Humanity goes extinct. The Rocky Mountains erode into a flat steppe and the Hawaiian islands sink. The sun swallows the earth and becomes a white dwarf. So on and so on until all the end of the universe. Then the Big Bang happens again. The earth forms again. Dinosaurs live and are rendered extinct.Rome rises and falls. The world goes to war twice. And then you are born again. This has happened an infinite amount of times, there was never a beginning. Time is a circle. You do not retain your memories, in fact everything plays out exactly the same as last time down to the last atom. The time passing in between, though trillions of years, was nothing to you. Your birth the next time around was upon you in a blink. And next time you will find yourself here again, and you will pull the trigger again. The ride never ends.The possibility of this is what keeps me going. If you see yourself as etching the grooves in the gramophone record that will decide your happiness or suffering as it plays on repeat for infinity, it might be best to squeeze all potential for happiness out of it, you will be living it out forever. Or maybe your life was amazing up until this point? In that case maybe ending it now and reliving the time when you had it all might be the logical choice. The choice for how you spend eternity is your own. A thought that might keep some of you going.",Suicidal +11412,I was flirting with this girl on a school trip and she stopped being interested because I was not confident enough. I cannot stop second guessing myself and I hate everything about my life. It hurts so badly and there is no way I have found to make the pain go away. Its starting to affect my actual life (example above) and I cannot do this anymore. I do not know what I did to deserve this. I am literally 15 and have not done anything to seriously hurt anyone and I have been the kindest possible person to everyone I have met. I just wish I could die and leave everything behind. I have fantasized about killing myself and I do not know what to do anymore,Depression +11413,"I should not feel like this. I was not assaulted as a kid, I do not have PTSD, I do not have anythingso why the fuck do I have dysphoria? Its debilitating. Every day I want to get out of bed less and less knowing people will see me as a girl. I do not even want to die. I want to live, I want to thrive and minister and love others but I want to do it as a man. My life is not worth living the way it is now. But I just fucking HATE the fact that because of my religion I cannot ever do anything. So many people have tried to convince me that the Bible does not condemn transgender people, that you can be trans and Christian. But fuck that, man. there is literally no evidence, its just people cherry picking parts of the Bible to support what they want to do. But at the same time, I wish god would come down from the sky for one second and just tell me, hey, its okay. You can do this. But he will not because that is not what he thinks. I have no choice except to keep living as a woman. And Id rather kill myself.I have a plan to cut myself enough that I bleed to death tomorrow. And if that does not work, I am going to take a nice peaceful sit on the railroad outside of my house and wait for it to end. I do not want to live like this anymore. Gender dysphoria is so fucking unfair",Suicidal +11414,"being an adult is so fucking lonely. everyone is busy with their own lives, i do not know how to reach out when I am feeling like i cannot do this anymore. and i do not think i can do this anymore. i do not feel like i matter to any of my friends. i know they *care* about me and all that, but in a background way where they all have their own lives without me in it. it feels so fucking lonely. i have no one to share my pain with like i used to. friends are still friends but not we hardly see each other due to living in different places with different work/university schedules. i have no one to remind me i matter to them like i used to. i just have to watch them all live their own lives through social media which is even more isolating and painful. i wish i had constant social interaction/validation like i did back in high school/college. without i fee so empty and alone. being an adult is painfully lonely",Suicidal +11415,"Somehow? ... Please? ... I have made a statement on here before asking for help feeling hope and the only thing anyone came up with was suggesting the Bible to me but all the Bible does is teach people to idolize an innocent and betrayed dead person on a cross and that is basically the opposite of hope... I pray to God and that helps but I need more that, I need people to actually care more... Please teach us how to actually feel hope...",Suicidal +11416,"Can I just say how lonely I am but its a huge contradictory because I cannot get along with most people and I am terrible in relationships because of trust issues and jealousy mostly. Not only that but social anxiety kills me in just about every situation. I have been sober for over 3 years and its a good thing because I have addiction problems that spiral out of control and effect my ""work life"" like I get fired or just stop showing up. I have no friends because I do not know how to talk to people casually and the only friends I ever had were people I drank or did drugs with and now I do not do that anymore. My one and only ex cheated on me with a friend of mine and I did not even see it coming. It was a huge shock to me and I was ""in love"" with her at the time. This was like 5 years ago and I have not been with anyone since and I still think about her and ""miss"" her even tho we do not talk. I take anti depressants but they do not work I am going to and I feel suicidal 50% of the time and I do not see a bright future for me like more loneliness and working for the weekend just to do everything or nothing by myself. Hypothetically if I were to get a girlfriend it would be more work than its worth to me because of constant worry about cheating or leaving me and then being right back to where I was. I am 33 year old male with nothing to live for, looking for some sort of advice or just to be heard I am not sure. Help? If that is possible",Suicidal +11417,I am in a relationship with multiple people (polyamorous relationship) in WV is Cade A and J cade is the main focus currently so I am using his actual name (hes ok with it) but currently I am lying in bed with A and J cade is alone in a separate house its 10pm here so i will not call him to check because he already has sleeping issues A and J are asleep point is I am worried about cade he has 24 suicide attempts (none since hes been with me very close calls tho) i just have a bad feeling i know that does not mean much but still i fucking love him so much he means the world to me he has drug and self harm problems I am worrying really bad and it may make me panic I am scared Worried about my lover,Suicidal +11418,I have a new psychologist and I feel like I should probably tell her but I have no idea how to and am scared Ill get committed and she will probably tell my parents (I am a teenager) How do I tell my psychologist I have suicidal thoughts and have attempted before?,Suicidal +11419,i will not be here tomorrow i have no reason to keep going,Suicidal +11420,"I have been friends with her since we were pre-teens and we have been friends for 10 years now. I was always the quiet one and she was more sociable and got along well with others and had quite a few other friends but we always stuck together throughout our teens, confiding so much to each other, right through to adulthood.&#x200B;She got married today and we had not seen each other for a few months or messaged much since we have both been busy with assignments but checked in each other at least once a month by text. She introduced me to a college friend of hers at the wedding today and we got along. Everything was fine until they discussed the fact that college friend was sleeping over after the wedding. It was then explained to me and I was invited on the spot which of course I had to decline because I was not prepared at all. (she is staying at her family home for this night.)My heart is broken right now because it makes me sad that she would not ask me to sleep over after her wedding. She would not want her childhood friend, her oldest friend with her on that special moment, even if I was busy, she did not check if I could free up time. I have never been asked to sleep over at all over the years of our friendship.And to be honest, I know that it is my fault for not being nice company. I know that the college friend is so much more enjoyable than I am. she is more chatty and humorous and of course my friend would prefer her. I cannot blame her at all for it. I do not blame her really. it is my fault.Or maybe I gave her the wrong sign by not messaging enough? But really I think it is the former reason. I am going to try to be more enjoyable company and message her more but I do not think I will get over the sleepover thing for a while. &#x200B;I just wanted to vent somewhere because I have been crying for a while. she is my only friend and I never thought that I would begin to lose her. It hurts so much. So much I went to my best friend's wedding today and I realized I am no longer her main friend and I feel like shit",Depression +11421,"This is the first trip I have ever taken with friends. We drove from San Francisco to LA.We went to universal studios today. I have been riding rides all day and I have been eating without purging for two days. I did not want to ride the Simpsons ride (bc I get motion sick and could throw up) so I went off by myself to wait for them. I walked into krustys burgers, sat at a booth upstairs alone, and put my head down. I have been here for an hour. Its a busy day. Many people have walked past me. No one has come up to me. No one sat with me. My friends have not even asked me where I am. They all just let me be alone. Which is fine. I want to be alone so I do not understand why I am thinking about how no one has worried about me. I do not even want to be worried about. It sucks yknow? no matter how hard I try No matter how much I force myself.. I can not be happy. Depression always hits at some part of the day. And its exhausting pretending that I am having a good time when really, I just want to lay down. I do not want to fake the way I feel, but its not fair to them if I ruin the mood with my moodiness. Its Friday. Were here til Sunday. that is two more days of pretending. My bones are exhausted Alone at universal",Depression +11422,"I have severe social anxiety that I deal with daily. I am a very intense people pleaser, I always say its my greatest and worst trait. I am a walking doormat. I put everyone before me but its gotten to the point where it is literally crippling. I am constantly wondering after a social event if I should not have said certain things I said or wish I could go back and time and just stay at home so I do not have to replay every conversation I had in my head over again. I literally feel like no one understands me, not my friends, family or even husband. Because I feel like they all take advantage of my giving trait and they all play the part of the taker. I am constantly told I am too sensitive and I should not be that way. I always put other peoples feelings and emotions before my own and I literally cannot do it anymore because its going to kill me. If anyone can relate with me please give me any advice you have to offer because I cannot live like this anymore. ):",Depression +11423,happy birthday to me lmao I turn 21 at midnight yet I still want to kill myself.,Suicidal +11424,"I do not know what I am going to get from this but I just wanted my feeling out here somewhere so if I am ever gone soon then these feelings where out in the open, I am currently living with a best friend because of a fight with my sister and mom I am 18 and the person I am with is my ex and I just do not know where to go if I should just leave and then fend for myself on the streets or If I should stay here for a little while trying to get better because this friend cares a lot but they are also a trigger for me and I just, want to not be here but I have tried recently and God told me no not yet but I just do not want to help I want to be helped but I do not know how to explain it or go about it if anyone wants to answer they can thank you for reading this I love this world but it is not really for me it is for someone else but it cannot be I just want to have some peace and love in my life",Suicidal +11425,"first of all, sorry for my English. it is not my first language and I am tired. I do not know where to start, do you know that feeling you have when you are super attached to a person and everything she/he does affects your mood? Well, I am there. I am fearing for her/him to abandon me, we are just friends but I am not sure when this happened, I just cannot be happy if we are in a bad spot on our relationship. And most of the times there is no ""bad spot"", it is just me destroying myself after over-thinking about a posts, or a bad response from him/her etc. The worst part of this is that the most important person in my life does not really have that same feeling for me. I know I am important to her/him, but not the same way, and it fucking hurts, I do not KNOW WHY. And I cannot make it stop. My life is nothing without him/her, and I am ashamed of myself for that, it is just ridiculous. I am even trying to change my body because maybe he/she will like me more. He/she never told me anything bad about my body, but I feel like I need to do it. My body is not bad tbh, but I want it better, not for me but for him/her.I need some advice, what does people do to end this? it is been a lot of time and I cannot see how to get out of this wheel. At this point I do not have anyone I can talk about this with, that is why I came to Reddit. it is super late here and I cannot sleep, my brain will not stop thinking about that person and how our conversation today was not good, I made him/her felt bad in some way and we did not talk much more. We are not angry at each other, but it was a but weird. Sorry I am not going into details but I do not want that person to read it and see who I am. that is it, I do not have the strength to write more but there is a million thoughts in my mind right now. I cannot get a person out of my mind",Depression +11426,"Most of my life I was, I believe, neurotypical with very few mental problems if any. That is until the pandemic. Last semester I was in dorms but due to covid they forced everyone to be alone in their room. No room mate, no visitors allowed, and you could not eat inside with others. With it being so cold, that meant you could not really eat outside either. Every day I would take my food from the dining hall back to my room and eat alone infront of my computer. If I hung out with friends I would risk losing my housing and being kicked off campus, so I mostly kept to myself. None of my classes were in person. Less than a month of being there I felt these terrible feelings i had never felt before. I felt deep loneliness and isolation and hopelessness. I felt suicidal for about a week and had multiple nights were I came close to attempting to take my life. After some time, I started to feel better. However throughout the entire semester I still felt traces of that loneliness and sadness. I have since moved home, and even now with family and friends and work to keep me busy, I still have regular multi day episodes where I feel empty inside and I feel like I have nothing to live for.Why is this still lingering with me? Can that one semester really be enough to because changes like that inside my head? Idk if I have depression and I am fairly certain I do not, but I have not tried getting diagnosed because it seems to be more of episodes rather than a constant thing. Can 4 months of isolation break your head?",Depression +11427,"Tried to get away from the bs but it all just followed. I cannot get away from myself. Lonelier thanks ever, depressed as fuck. New place and cannot get out of bed. I do not trust the plane to take me out, I should just do it here before I have to go back to the shithole aka my parents house. Eyes are watering up, just want to disappear forever. Took a last minute trip",Suicidal +11428,"Recently my life has not been the best, by recently I mean almost about a year now, I just feel like its getting worse and worse, I keep telling myself that its going to get better but it just does not seem like that will happen at all. For a couple of months these thoughts have been popping up in my head. I have always put others first through out my whole life. And I feel like maybe that is why I do not really pay attention to those thoughts and take action. But now I am starting to think that it will not really matter if I am gone. Why do not I just do it.",Suicidal +11429,"I have not been a good brother to my sister I admit, she is a really good person that I take for granted. During the pandemic she had a lot of mental episodes that were difficult to be around and we got into it a lot and it further distanced our relationship (we had other things that contributed to that distance as well). I feel bad for the things I have done and I have apologized but I still feel bad. I have changed from the person I was and I think she sees that but does not want to acknowledge that. I love her so much and I think she is a phenomenal person and a naturally good soul. I have such a hard time forgiving myself. I wish I could be different. I wish I was capable of being the person I wished I was. I am so disappointed in myself",Depression +11430,"Only when I am drunk I am in love with this girl, we share a bed right now. Everything she does makes me happy. Everytime I think of my future she has always been in my mind. Yesterday she told me that she only dates uglier guys to feel better about her self. I am already depressed and have no confidence what do ever. Idek know what to think, when we were kids wed said we would Mary Each other when we were 30. Its clear that she likes me but she has about 30! Dudes on her snap and she goes out on one night stands everyday. I do not know what to think Idek",Depression +11431,"Sorry this is long but I have to get it out.I have a dissociation disorder and I struggle with attachment/abandonment issues. A couple years ago I ended up in the youth psych ward. I got discharged and sent to this place called Woods Homes. It was a residential program for youth who have pretty bad mental health issues. Long story short, I got really attached to a couple of the staff there and sometimes they would leave without saying goodbye. That would always break me but I kept going because my favourite staff (J) was still there. When it came time for me to be discharged J informed me that she was also leaving. That broke my heart in a million pieces. me and her did have a decent goodbye but it still hurt just as bad. AnywaysLast weekend was really rough. My mind was spiralling. I was in such an intense physical, emotional, mental pain. I just wanted it to stop.My mind was just going over things that happened at woods (good and bad) over and over and over. My memories are what hurt me. The good ones hurt the most because it makes me realize I am never going to have that again. I am never going to find another J. Never going to see them again.With all this on my mind I wanted to end it. There was not a point to living without them in my life anymore. So I made a plan. I have attempted before but I have never made a plan. At least not a serious, detailed plan. Basically it was death by cop. I have a BB gun that looks exactly like a real gun with no orange tip. My plan was to go to read my confidential files from woods, go to woods, make a scene, have the cops come, Id say what I wanted to then Id point the gun and walk towards them. Bang.That never happened unfortunately. I ended up breaking down and dissociating. I was on autopilot and I ended up picking up my belt and tightening it around my neck. Even if I wanted to, I could not stop it. I was seeing spots and my vision was fading. Then I heard my cat outside my room. His meow pulled me out of my dissociation enough for me to undo the belt. It stayed around my neck for about 45 mins while I laid back and just sobbed. All of that did not change my mind though. I still wanted to bad to die. But I was too exhausted to do anything about it. After all that I smoked a huge dab and went for a walk still dissociated. I was hearing shit all around me, people walking, loud bangs and people yelling. I was seeing little shadow animals running across the road. But it was 4am and I live in a small town where the streets are absolutely dead at night. Just paranoia I guess. I ended up sitting on the sidewalk and dissociated then fell asleep. I got home around 6:15am. It was really a nightmare I was trapped in. The next day I was very physically sick. Just from the exhaustion and all the emotions I was feeling. could not do anything. I reached out to someone I work with at a life skills program and she graciously changed my appointment to monday. I went and saw her and gave her all my writing. After reading it she recommended I go to the hospital. I went to ER and waited for a day and a half before I got transferred to a short stay crisis stabilization unit. that is where I am currently. Its not helpful. I have been doing the work. I have been making an effort. But the staff do not seem to think that my problem is as big as I say it is. Everytime I have gone to the hospital and tell them what is going on the staff always look at me like really? that is it? Okay then its very frustrating. And usually leads to me making a scene on purpose so that they take me seriously. But then that leads to getting restrained and being put in high observation and getting tackled and getting a needle in your ass so you sleep for two days I have been through all this before and it was just as useless then. The problem is.. when I go home I know I am going to go right back into that state and want to carry out my plan. I feel so lost and hopeless. Not sure what to do anymore.Anyways. Thanks for reading. Dissociated and tried to end it",Suicidal +11432,"I am 17F, Asian.For my entire childhood my mom has projected her insecurities onto me, a behavior which has manifested into relentless cruelty and emotional torture. She used to hit me a lot ( I still have a scar from when she hurled her keys at my face because I told a friend that she had called me a curse) but stopped when CPS came. She has incessantly berated and demeaned me for over a decade, to a point of viciousness words cannot describe. whether that is trying to force me to kill myself or calling me a worthless fucking idiot or shrieking at me that I am a maniac who everyone thinks should be locked up, the pain she has caused me is indescribable. every single day she terrorizes me with insults, comparisons, belittling, threats and manipulation. and I do not know if I will ever be able to recover from the anguish.but whenever I obey her she is nice to me and acts like a good mother. I know the love is real, albeit conditional, and it will disappear the moment things do not go her way. but I try so so hard to keep her in a good mood because I just need her affection so badly. I hate myself so much for this.my father is more normal but he has bursts of uncontrollable rage when things do not go his way. I try not to think about these times because other times he loves me very much. I would like to emphasize that he is very kind to me usually. But these outbursts include physical assault, smashing stuff, death threats, suicide threats, and really mean comments to me like 'I bet you get orgasms from destroying the family like the sociopath you are'.But that is not very common so I do not want to focus on that. what is more common is his enabling of my moms behavior. he always sat back in silence on his phone whenever my mom was shrieking at me and always pretended it never happened. he never validates my feelings and always jumps to comments like 'nothing will ever satisfy you' and 'your mom does so much for you why are you so ungrateful you bitch'. he always sided with her and her bullshit narrative about the family dynamic (essentially I ruined everyone is happiness). It is so frustrating especially when I am begging and crying for him to intervene but he just tells me to shut up and go away and listen to my mother.anyway yesterday my mom was screaming at me as usual because I had not finished a college essay draft. she said something along the lines of how my dad always tells her how he thinks I should be locked up in a mental institution, how he wishes he had his friends daughters instead of me and how he cannot wait for me to be out of his life. I felt really sad about this for some reason even though they have said things like this to me since I was 9.My dad was driving me back home from a dr appt today when I for some dumbass reason asked him if what he had said was true. he obviously got very defensive and skirted around the question and claimed I was always searching for stuff to be mad about, that I was always blaming my problems on my parents, and he did not know what to do to satisfy me. this really upset me as all I want is a loving peaceful family. I will admit it, I called him a bad father. I was so angry by him invalidating me and making it look like such a simple request was absurd and ungrateful. I hate how they will always see me as overemotional and dramatic and selfish without ever looking inward and recognizing their flaws. well anyway that made him super mad and he basically said that he hated me and my mom, and marrying her was the worst decision of his life, that he had stopped loving her years ago and it was all my fault. He said that the family was not worth resurrecting and the only reason he had not left and/or killed himself was to preserve his reputation. When I got home I went and cried to my mother and told her she was right, that I am a failure, and I begged her to hug me. She hugged and kissed me and I felt so much better. She got impatient pretty fast but I did not care. i just wanted someone to love me. I feel so much self loathing for not being strong enough to withstand a family deprived of love. I hate that i am relinquishing my autonomy and purpose and strength just to feel some love from my parents. it sucks. Idk if this is depression or a coping mechanism or what. I do not know how to keep going on. anyway sorry for rant ty for reading if you got this far Both my parents are incredibly cruel to me but sometimes I am so desperate to fill the void I abandon all my morals and appease them so I can get some affection. I viscerally hate myself for this. Is that depression?",Depression +11433,"Life's still swell. I have an amazing husband, and spectacular dog. I have got the bestest best friends and so many good things to look forward to.And yet, I still have these intrusive thoughts that are begging me to leave everything behind. I do not want to hurt the people I am leaving behind, especially my husband and my pup and my cat. But, I feel like they would be better off with other people. I want to die and end this. I love my family but I feel like they could do better than me. I wish I knew why I felt this way but I feel it nonetheless.Thanks for reading. I appreciate it immensely! Life is good and I still want to leave",Suicidal +11434,Just as the title says. If I have a bad thought or think too much I punch myself. I used to cut my wrists and now my left wrist is covered in bruises and hurts like hell. Now I have the urge to punch my leg and have a few times and now I stop myself. I just want the urge to go away I suddenly want to punch myself,Suicidal +11435,"I do not know why am I writing this at 4AM in the morning but I really cannot keep it in and I have no one to talk to. Also I do not know if I have any mental disorders because I have never been to a therapist to get diagnosed. So here goes, I do not know what to do anymore.. Today I attended the engagement party of my life long friends ( have been friends for almost 18 years now ) and I am almost 25, do not know if it matters. Anyway, Everybody is having fun; singing and dancing with the couple while I am just sitting there doing nothing. I want to go up there and join them but I cannot for some reason.. at times like these I wish I were dead and it is funny to me how I am willing to die at those moments because I have a huge death anxiety problem going on.. so being driven to the point where I am okay with being dead makes me wonder ... Been like this for 10 years now. I cannot have fun, no matter what. Go to a trip with friends ? Everybody's having fun but guess who is not ? guess who is trying to enjoy his time but cannot ? even though I would be happy but i cannot bring myself to enjoy those times. I am sorry I do not know how to explain, I am probably an Idiot. I just wish I was a normal dude but I guess even that thing is too much to ask for.I even want to lose weight but I cannot even find the discipline to do it, let alone the will. I was not like this before but I was not fine either. The problem just became more apparent I guess ?Guess being called a failure and judged for every decision you do in your life by your father ends up in me actually being a failure and I sadly cannot moveout cuz I am from a country where the culture does not allow that..I am not suicidal, I am convinced that there are a lot of good things and that life is worth living but I just cannot seem to enjoy it right now..I am sorry If this makes someone else sad but I really did not mean it.. I just needed to free my mind even If no one would read this, but I as I said, I have no one to talk to that would understand me and my feelings.Also, Sorry for my English, it is my second language.Thank you. a little rant",Depression +11436,"This week iv been trying to contact my ex after, we were together for 3 years and it ended more than 2 years ago. 2 years of only a couple of texts when a family member died. She left me on read on my first message where I asked how she was. She left me on read on my second message where I explained my new diagnosis and how much better iv gotten.She left me on read on the 3. Message where I told her how important she is to me and how happy I am for her and how I understand and respect that she will not talk to me.But I do not really respect it, I cannot believe she does not talk to me. I took distance after she broke up with me. I texted her earlier this year but do not even know if she uses that number anymore so I went to messanger this time.I am actually disgusted and incredibly surprised that she acts this way. I do not understand at all.I am wondering if i should drive to her parents house which is 2 minutes away. I think she is home, she was a week ago my friend told me. She usually lives far away buts it is vacation times. What do I have to lose if in pretty much sure I will kill myself this summer. Iv written almost 10k words, I think it is going to be my letter. But should I do this one more things before I decide?",Suicidal +11437,"I have set a date for August 4. Simply for the sake of irony, since it is my birthday backwards. I got the helium tank, the plastic tube, the duct tape and the oven bags. Just waiting for the elastic chord that should arrive sometime next week. I have written two letters: one for a friend and one for several other friends. I think I should try to write something to my family, but I do not know what. The only ones in my family I truly love are my dad, my only grandma and one of my aunts. Perhaps one of my grandfathers, but I do not really know him. I do not love my mom, but it would probably break her heart if only my dad got a letter. I just do not have anything to say to her. So perhaps it is better to not write anything at all. My last will and testament is done. I have some laxatives I can take just before, to avoid making a mess. I wish I had some sedatives, but I have read that helium acts quickly. Maybe anxiety will not be that much of an issue.I feel so relieved. So calm. Soon it will all be over. I will not have to deal with being me anymore. Pretty soon I will just be a memory. Later on I will not be anything at all but someone who used to live for a while. I am sad I am going to have to hurt my loved ones. that is the only worry I have right now. I wish there was something I could do to cushion the blow for them. Finally going through with it",Suicidal +11438,"As the title says, I feel defeated. Ready to just end my life and never have to worry about this constant cycle of stress, only to see a glimmer of hope that gets crushed as soon as you think it is safe to reach for it. It genuinely feels like life, for me and people like me, in this society specifically, is only granted to prove that hope truly is not viable and that our lives and our beings are merely stepping stones for the more lucky.I used to genuinely love people. Deeply, unconditionally love people. I still do, but I hate to admit that because it makes me naive and open for hurt. And it extends to most all people, and before I could handle the fact that people are imperfect, that is fine, I can still handle that. I still feel that love for people in my life, even despite terrible low points. I have always been able to forgive, and distance, and move on if wronged. Not wishing bad on those who wronged me. I still do not. But that changed these past few years. I went into a deep depression, and I still have not gotten over past trauma my dysfunctional family inflicted on me. That they still inflict. Because I love them, and I forgive them and recognize what they did was wrong but I still care about them because we are all only human on this planet. there is always a reason and meaning, and people have good in them most of the time. If they do not expand it, I just distance but still wish for them to change and do what is best. So I distance, but the distance does not fix my mental state, or the distrust and pain that plagues me and my current relationships to others. I am secretive. I find that to be my biggest downfall. I never allow myself to be truly open, and I lock away deeply intimate parts of myself and the things I enjoy and love personally. I never share my writing, the things I enjoy most, or my media preferences. Even though it is all harmless, I keep it under wraps, and I know it is due to trauma from my upbringing. I can link it distinctly. Nobody would expect my death, and I know they would not because even my partner has no idea how debilitating my mental health gets. And it makes me angry, I feel burned. I am not able to be myself. I am not able to honestly connect with those in my day to day life. I was forced to hide most everything about me growing up, lest it be suppressed or judged harshly or used to hurt me. And I cannot do it anymore. I have lost so much of myself that I will never find those pieces again, to put myself back together whole. Words are only a temporary distraction before it all comes down to crush me again. And, for that, I know that without the 24/7 distractions of other people and work and hobbies I cannot function. I am not whole on my own, mentally or physically, I feel. My cousin committed suicide 5 years ago and it is like a mirror and some days I envy them. I envy that they escaped, and I hate myself for even being capable of thinking that way. I feel like a hypocrite, for thinking of doing what I have begged and convinced others not to do.I am currently unemployed due to the pandemic. Started taking care of a stray, now I have kittens to take care of as well. I cannot drive due to disability, which makes things harder, I feel too burdening on my partner. So I push myself into freelance work, up keeping everything to a high standard, never taking a break from videos or auditory outlets as I work, always distracting myself. But it is all a distraction, and I am wearing on them when they ask about what is wrong and I open up about my mental health or have anxiety attacks or mental breakdowns.""Why are you like this / Why do you have to be like this?""""I cannot stay in this relationship if you cannot get better.""""Why is something always wrong with you?""""cannot you do this later / Why do you have to do this right now?"" ""What the fuck do you expect me to do / What the fuck is wrong with you now?"" And so I keep it all down, I suppress it, and I feel physically awful all the time. Chronic migraines, I never get a break where my mind is not trying to distract itself or is not in an existential dread or downfall. it is not worth living like this, even as much as I love my pets and partner and family. I do not want to leave them but I feel I have to. I wish it was like the romanticized versions of mental health issues. Where your partner holds you and tells you it will be okay, instead of the reality of your partner getting stressed and cracking every now and then and yelling and making it worse and saying hurtful things that come back around the next time, no matter how hard you try to forget it. When I get like that, being held and told it is going to be okay sounds like something otherworldly and heavenly and amazing. I really want to end it all, especially knowing that I will never have that. I have had that maybe a few times, and only after being torn down, only after the person who has the misfortune of seeing me like that calms down. Even then, they never learn a better way to handle it, or listen to me or care to remember when I try to get out what I need and how to handle the situation (I say what my therapist has told me to tell others, it does not work) because I guess they all forget. it is a cycle of pain, relief at last, and then forget. Then repeat. Constantly. And I am too weak to handle it. there is good reason for me living. I know if I passed many would miss me greatly and my pets would likely be confused or miss me as well. I do not want that to happen, I suppose, but I want to end this constant suffering and that seems like a small price to pay. Though I also do love being sentient and conscious, I love listening and seeing and hearing new things. I love learning, and in this world and universe there is so much to learn, I could spend a lifetime doing so, even though I may not have access to formal higher education I have a phone and access to videos, lectures, news and studies. That might be worth sticking around for, but I only love it so much because it is a distraction from my deeper troubles. So why dwell in it and continue the distraction? Even when I write this stuff, it makes me cry hard because towards the end I realize how much I enjoy life and living, and I realize how hard and near incapable I am of doing so fully. It makes me feel shattered and bleak. Why even write it at all?It feels like I cannot even trust my own brain anymore. I already cannot trust it. Why even go on if I cannot trust my own brain? I just want to be happy like I was before. I feel defeated",Suicidal +11439,I failed my summerschool course to make up my grades. I am going to be stuck in the same classes I have always been stuck in and I hate myself for never being able to pass. I am going to be a senior this year so I am really thinking of just offing myself to save myself the embarrassment of not graduating on time. Not to mention covid fucked up my ability to be around people and I keep having random breakdowns which suck because I kept having them in summerschool. I cannot drop out because it is illegal here so I am just going to be stuck in classes watching people younger than me pass while I stay the same. School,Depression +11440,"Sooooo... thanks to the quarentine and my own stupidity I am not doing so well but my last chemestry grade was just sad, 44 out of 100.And I can recover it if I work really hard, even thought I did that and fail. But my mom is already disapointed with me and the person I become and I can take it, i do not want her to realize that I am a useless piece of garbage! So my solution to that and my other problems is just giving up and killing myself.I know it might soud dramatic but the only thing I could do right and make my mom slightly proud was that and now i fuck it up.( sorry for the long and confusing text that might not make sense) Well....fuck",Suicidal +11441,"My depression has been stopping me from doing what I want to do in life. All I can do is just lie on the couch and waste away. I cannot motivate myself to do anything. I have been on a lot of meds that have helped a bit and I have been going to therapy for a while now, but none of it is working. I still do not feel better. I still cannot get myself out of bed or off the couch. I feel so hopeless Nothing is working",Depression +11442,Hello everyone. I take 10 mg lexapro and 50 mg sulpiride everyday. Anyone here got the same vaccine while on sulpiride? I will get my second dose tomorrow and I am worried. I was not on medication on my first dose. Thanks. Sulpiride/lexapro and pfizer vaccine,Depression +11443,my ex is claiming she cheated on me during our relationship soooo fucking cool i wish i had a gun to kill myself i want to fucking die i wish i never was born,Suicidal +11444,"I should say at the outset that I am a survivor of 20 years of suicidal ideation. Please do not accuse me of making light of this subject, I have a right to. (As I believe everyone does, if they do it with love, but that is another story.)My motivations are as follows:1. Expose the ridiculousness that is as inherent in suicide as it is in every action. 2. Replace upsetting brainworms (actual plans) with scenarios which scratch the itch but are also amusing or distracting, or are calming because they are obviously fantasy. I have seen this approach taken, without the above reasoning made explicit, in an old blog I came across once. The only one I can remember is from a standing start, drive your head full-speed at the pavement. It could have been considered a hateful site I guess, but I do not think it came from that place, and I found it hilarious and calming.Please share the most hilarious and fucked up suicide methods that have occurred to you. Ill start with one that recurs to me. I would not wish it on another who never thinks of suicide, but for anyone that does, I hope that it occurs to you in a bad moment, to bring you humour and remind you that you are not alone.So here is my funniest suicide method:Hanging via bungee cord in front of a train. The train hits, and any remains left attached to the stretched rope are comedically pinged back in the opposite direction, disappearing from view near the end of their arc.(I know that this would not work and I know that train drivers deserve better. Realism and empathy with hypothetical characters are not the point here, ok? If its that shit, write a better one and that can be my comedy suicide brainworm) Funny suicide methods?",Suicidal +11445,"I am done trying to be better, I am done living this useless life shits too much. I am 21 still in highschool, the girl i have a fling with i think is close to leaving. I have 6 classes to finish if i want to pass at the 16th of aug but i have not done shit to study. Overall I am a wreck I am making different plans on ending it all. Maybe pills, or jumping off of somewhere something like that. I feel so alone, empty, cold. I am sorry but i cannot do it anymore this are not all what is going on just something really recent if i went trhough it all i might aswell write a book. Goodbye. I might end it all I am through.",Suicidal +11446,"Hey guys hope you are all doing well.Been struggling with depression for a long time got diagnosed about a year ago did not really know anything about mental illness.got into drugs at 17 mainly lyrica and booz it was not bad tried couple of drugs along the years but stayed in control and got clean after al while I started having panic attacks the first time I thought i was dying,that is when i decided to go to a psychiatris took bunch of different antidepressants one worked for me for a while had a fight with my doctor threw all my meds my mind just went loco i had the worst depressive episode in my life, could not handle it i wished death every night i go to bed, then started using again with harder drugs I am now on benzos cocaine and meth sometimes, lyrica seroquel ,prozac got back again to antidepressants. I know its fucked and extremely unhealthy but i keep telling my self that its fine ill be good I am 24 right now and ill fight this even if takes me 200 years hopefully god will help me and who ever suffer from this illness and i believe he will Need help",Depression +11447,the pain is real i want to kill him or kill myself,Suicidal +11448,I met this guy on tinder and he seemed really nice and different than other men. It was too good to be true. He would tell me not to trust other guys because they will just use me. he would tell me he never lies and will always be here for me. Well of course those were just lies to get me to trust him and sleep with him. I always trust the wrong people. Later on after I slept with him he kicked me out in the middle of the night. I asked him why and first he said he was worried my mom would be upset I was out late. His second answer was that his boss was coming over and I had to leave. That made no sense so I knew something was up. He later admitted he has a wife of 3 years and he has blocked me. I feel used and worthless. I am already extremely depressed and I hate myself so much..what hurts most is that he dosen't care at all. I mentioned to him before that I was suicidal and he comepletely ignored it. All this just makes me realize how much of a useless piece of crap I am. For someone to just sleep with me and move on with ease let us me know I am not worth shit. I was so nice to him. I even tried to help his new business out by asking a bunch of people to leave 5 star google reviews for his store. what is even worse is that he planned to sleep with me then leave the state this whole time. He did not tell me he planned to leave until after he slept with me of course. I am worthless,Depression +11449,I met this guy on tinder and he seemed really nice and different than other men. It was too good to be true. He would tell me not to trust other guys because they will just use me. he would tell me he never lies and will always be here for me. Well of course those were just lies to get me to trust him and sleep with him. I always trust the wrong people. Later on after I slept with him he kicked me out in the middle of the night. I asked him why and first he said he was worried my mom would be upset I was out late. His second answer was that his boss was coming over and I had to leave. That made no sense so I knew something was up. He later admitted he has a wife of 3 years and he has blocked me. I feel used and worthless. I am already extremely depressed and I hate myself so much..what hurts most is that he dosen't care at all. I mentioned to him before that I was suicidal and he comepletely ignored it. All this just makes me realize how much of a useless piece of crap I am. For someone to just sleep with me and move on with ease let us me know I am not worth shit. I am worthless,Depression +11450,"Pretty sure I felt so shitty this morning I forgot to take my medicationIve had a headache and could not stop shaking all day for no reasonI feel so fucking tired just from fighting the thoughts in my headTheyre horribleBut I do not even have any energy left to think, or to act, or to careI do not even really want to die anymore, at this point I already feel like I am dead anywaysI need sleep Holy I feel like shit",Depression +11451,"I feel strong hatred towards my body. The sensory issues of it are too much to handle. Some clothes help me temporarily cope but they just worsen the issues when I take them off. There is no permanent solution and I do not think I can learn to live with it. Its been almost six years and this body simply is not for me. I cannot change anything and I am aware this is as good as it gets for this thing but I cannot do this for the rest of my life. If it only gets worse from here on, I do not know if I want to live to see it. Apologies for the ambiguity. I do not know how to spend the rest of my life in this body",Suicidal +11452,"36m. Basically dealt with depression since I was around 12. Until 5 years ago, I would never told anyone. I finally told my wife after being together for 10 years and I have been on various antidepressants since. Currently on Cymbalta. Occasionally I will miss a day on my meds and I feel my mood drop noticeably the next day or two until I level back out.Last weekend my wife and I got into a small argument (we honestly never fight). In the end, I feel like I hurt her without meaning to, so I decided I wanted to feel as bad as I made her feel.I have not taken my meds and the depression is real. But in a fucked up way, I think I like it. In an ironic way, engaging in some self destruction makes me feel a bit more alive.Has anybody experienced this? Stopped my meds.",Depression +11453,"I just do not belong on this planet. I do not fit in, I am ugly, useless. I am fucking killing myself Might hang myself rn",Suicidal +11454,"Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I spent most of it just crying in bed and imagining my own death. Last night I went to bed hoping I do not wake up anymore. Today I woke up devastated to still be alive and I thought, maybe today is the day I finally end it.I am convincing myself that I can just stay in bed and hold on a few more hours until I see my therapist later so I think Ill still be here but shit is just really so dark. I think I am losing it",Suicidal +11455,Does anyone else ever feel like you are trying your best and working so hard at life to barely stay afloat? And yet have this constant feeling like you are never doing enough? Like not being able to maintain good relationships with friends and family because its all too overwhelming? But still working fulltime and paying rent but nothing is good enough? Like you are a constant disappointment to everyone you know? Even though they do not ever actually say that? It just feels implied by your social failures?? I am losing my mind and yet i keep going everyday.. Yet this is in the back of my thoughts always.. Sigh. Working hard & still disappointing everyone?,Depression +11456,"Ok so I have done bloodwork for thyroid and anemia, but nothing was wrong. So I have no idea what this fatigue is coming from. I am on 40mg of prozac if that helps. The main thing is I am very foggy headed, I do not feel ""alive"", and my body feels heavy(mostly my head and eyes). Is this because by depression? How do I beat this fatigue! Depression fatigue?",Depression +11457,"Call me a psychopath but I have been fantasizing of killing my mom and maybe my little brother, calling the cops, and have them kill me. I know that sounds super deranged but that is an actual intrusive thought that invades my mind almost every single day. Everytime I go into the kitchen I see the big butcher knife and all I can think of is driving that thing straight into my mom's chest or sometimes into mine.I am really scared about what is happening. I really do not want to do that but the thought just keeps coming back to me. I am a 17F so my mind is still young, so could the thoughts be normal? I am a very quiet introvert with only 2 close online friends (I do not have irl friends), and have been bullied a lot.Also, my older brother passed away a few years ago and that really fucked me up. Could his death have triggered something in my brain? I do not want to tell my mom because I do not want to scare her and my severe social anxiety kind of prevents me from seeking help myself. I do not know if I am having suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +11458,Anyone else ever get envious when they drive by a cemetery? I look at all those headstones and think dam I want one. Envy the dead,Suicidal +11459,"My mother passed February 22, 2021. I woke up to a phone call from my father, who found her. I have not been the same since. I get up and go to work with a smile on my face but its all fake as fuck. I want to crawl in a hole in die. My wife has been amazing; but I am not an emotionally in tune person face to face. Its hard to clean my house and do my laundry. Some days its hard to even want to live. My mother was not the greatest mom in the world but I was always a mommas boy. My mom died in February and I have not been the same.",Depression +11460,i really think i can do it tonight i cut my wrist pretty badly its bleeding a lot i want thjs to be the end i cannot stand it any longer It will never get better,Suicidal +11461,Quarter life crisis hitting hard Anyone dealt with failure to launch?,Suicidal +11462,"There was zero reason to lock and blowout the comments on my post. I made a point that over 200 other sub members deemed valid. We were connecting, but you have successfully re-isolated us. Original post: Why was my post deleted and are the mods favoring the National Suicide Hotline?",Suicidal +11463,"(I have not been diagnosed with any depressive disorders but have speculations)Since September last year (2020) I have just minimally replied to my friends that were in another college whilst I was in sixth form. I have just became super antisocial and anxious after a break up in July (2020).Today one of them asked me how I was doing and I decided to reply after ignoring the message for a month. I told them that I was depressed and anxious as hell. Although I was honest, I thought I would feel better but I do not.What is wrong with me?They showed their support, saying they are there if I wanted to talk and when I am ready. I basically feel the same, a little bit uneasy.Too long did not read: after months of isolation from my friends, ignoring messages and minimally replying, I finally replied today - saying I was depressed and anxious lately, I thought something would change like a feeling, feeling better. But nothing did, I still feel lonely and uneasy. What is this and what do I do? I contacted my friends after months of ignoring them",Depression +11464,"I honestly do not even know where to start. I do not want to dox myself or share my entire life story, so I will try to keep this concise and to the point.In the spring of 2020, I went to rehab. Afterwards, I moved out of state and spent 6 months in sober living. I had originally planned to spend a year and possibly start a whole new life in this new state, but as fate would have it, my dad's health kept getting worse and worse. Trying to be a good son, I moved back home to look after him. I will be forever grateful for being able to spend the last 2 weeks or so of his life with him. He died 2 days before Christmas. I stayed with my dad's brother for about a week, that was not working out. My uncle's oldest son, feeling bad for me, offered to let me stay with him and his wife on the condition that I stayed sober and found a job so that I could pay rent. I ended up staying with them for about 6 months, until I had had enough. One day, I overheard him talking with his brother on the phone bragging about how well I was doing and how hard I was working. here is what killed it for me - he then starts talking about how my parents did not make it easy for me (""they f*cked him up pretty good""), and then he went for the jugular - ""I loved uncle [redacted], God love him, but he was a f*ck up"".Like dude, it is not enough that I am working full time, I am paying you money to stay here, and when I am not busting my hump at my paying job I am cleaning your house, washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the yard, doing all the things that you are too lazy to do so you wait for your wife to deal with it. So really, I am doing all these things (FOR FREE) to make her life easier since you will not, and you thank me by disrespecting/insulting my dad who JUST DIED?! Oh hell no. To this day, I still have not confronted him. Instead, I have chosen to forgive him, but I will never forget how that made me feel.In the effort to save face and leave as gracefully as possible, I said thank you both for your hospitality, I will be forever grateful, it is time for me to be my own man and go my own way. That was the end of June. I have been homeless ever since.The little bit of money I have managed to save (not squander away), I have been slowly bleeding away living in hotels. My 2 weeks notice at my job will be up next Friday, after which I will be attending a trade program for 6 weeks. I am in my mid 30's, never finished 4 year college (although I have an Associate's degree), and these last few years I have really been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do with my life. I mean, I am currently working at an auto parts factory making under $12 an hour and have been working 13 hour days for a while now and have literally nothing to show for it. I am sick and tired of breaking myself down day in and day out, a prisoner of the time clock. it is time for me to find something that will pay way better than what I am doing now, something where I can make a good life for myself without breaking my back, something I can see me doing until I retire.I got paid today, and I get paid again on the 6th. Whatever I make between now and the 6th is going to have to last me til I graduate school about halfway through September. I have reached out to friends and family on FB to see if anyone can or is willing to help, hell I would even take a sublease at this point. So far, no luck. Even my own mom asked me if I knew anyone who was looking to rent out a room.About the only possible saving grace I can think of at this point would either be to reach out to my local housing authority and live in section 8 for a while, or to liquidate my stock portfolio and try live off that until I graduate school in September. I would really rather not have to go that route if I can help it because the stock in question is potentially poised to take the f*ck off soon and I would hate to miss out on a possible once in a lifetime opportunity. Normally, my dad would be my 1st consultation regarding such matters, but he is gone and about the only other person I have in this world that I can talk to without fear of judgement is his sister, my beloved aunt who in many ways is more of like a mother than my own flesh and blood.I feel lost, you all. I am broke, depressed, mourning, stressed, burnt out, tired, hurting and I have no idea what to do.TL; DR - I have been homeless since the beginning of this month after leaving my cousin's house because I refused to tolerate any further disrespect. Now, I am trying to make what little money I have last until after I graduate trade school in September. It can only get better from here, right?",Depression +11465,I am ready I am not doing this shit anymore Date set,Suicidal +11466,I cannot be the only one that just feels so numb at the moment? Like I have absolutely no motivation to anything. I do not want to socialize or do anything.My depression comes in waves. Constantly in and out of suicidal states. It had been so long since I felt shit but now I am in isolation again because I have COVID I think the lack of human contact has sent me spiraling into a feeling of worthlessness and I just walk around feeling like if I did not exist only a couple people would actually care. numb,Depression +11467,"Seriously, what is the fucking whole point of depression when we were once all happy kids. As kids, all we want is to grow up and have jobs and freedom. I am 19 years old and I have realized the reality of life. I do not understand why we feel depression or anxiety if we were once happy. Why does the brain have to make us feel this way, its honestly so sad and it makes no sense. No one ever chose to feel this way or when the fuck did we sign up for this. Why cannot we all just be happy and live life happily. What the hell is the whole point of depression",Depression +11468,"There are days where everything is going great and then one little thing, one stupid thing brings me down. Sometimes I wonder if I should just end things and just make everything stop and just stop feeling sad, I have never felt so sad in my entire life. I feel like I have no one to turn to or talk to about anything. I just feel so empty and drained and want to give up. I want t make these feelings, this pain in my heart go away. I want to stop thinking about the person that left me but I cannot I feel like such a failure. I just want it to all stop. I do not want to feel this way anymore, I just want to forget everything. I just want it to stop, I want it to just end. I do not want to feel. I am just better off gone and not being a burden to anyone anymore no one cares about what I am going through. No one ask if I am okay. I am just easily forgotten, no one will remember me or care if I am gone. Everyday is harder",Suicidal +11469,"I am just so tired, been for a while, but I tried at least.. Streaming especially helped me feel I was doing something with my life and having a schedule/stuff to do helped a lot as well.. But after the previous \~week with my friend who visited me I am just done really.. With everything.. Now that he has left I have been binge eating and drinking alcohol to get drunk on a daily basis as well.. Streaming is also gone now, and I doubt anyone cares either.. About streaming or me really.. I am just so weak, have so many issues, I am beaten down over and over and I just cannot handle it anymore. I also seem to have some ""PTSD"" now. Anything that feels like a touch including my own clothes at times, or even seeing guys touch girls makes me flinch or freeze up and feel terrible, and I fear guys even more now than before as well, even hearing guys breathe in a certain way now on dramas or movies I watch makes me feel quite unwell.. does not help I am ugly as usual. Got called sir at the store today even though my friends tell me I am pretty.. Right.. Also does not help people keep staring at me like crazy non-stop. My friend confirmed this, so I know it is not just me imagining things.. My age regression stuff does not help either.. Wish I got carded for my age, but I look probably 30s or 40s.. have not been carded since I was like 15.. lmao.. Myriad of other issues, but bringing them up with nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists does not do anything, or they treat it as if it is a normal thing.. e.g. me mentioning dissociation and I just get applauded for the effort I have done so far based on my own research as usual, sigh.. (I tend to learn a lot on my own whenever I need to help someone, can help someone or face my own issues I need to resolve..) Had to solve a lot of medical issues this way as well, since the entire system here in Denmark has just failed me, or doctors are openly hostile to me because I am a foreigner.. Meds for me also never worked, I tried so many and they all ruined me completely. Only diet and lifestyle ever worked for me in any way, but can be hard to maintain when you fear going outside and when you spiral one day or friends/family make you eat stuff you never eat normally, and then spiral downwards starts.. (I get very easily addicted..)Already been thinking of various methods and where to go or get stuff, even thinking of a suicide note for the past several days.. As much as I want to say I will admit myself like last year (was forced there, though) I will not. It would be extremely traumatic to me (was quite difficult) and make things even worse afterwards.Wish the pain would stop, but it is been lifelong and there is no help because I have been pooped on by so many people growing up, and now I am just broken completely, and things just get more difficult as I get older as well, which does not help.. How long am I supposed to wait.. 50 years to maybe get a tiny bit of longer term happiness..?I keep hoping I can get blackout drunk (almost at least) and end it, but my tummy just refuses to drink that much and I get drunk only.. Wish I had someone who understood me, but they do not exist. They simply do not. Not someone with as many complex issues as me.. They might have a part here or there that they can relate to, but never even half or a majority of it.. Tired & Ruining My Life Further",Suicidal +11470,no one will notice can i just die,Suicidal +11471,"Honestly my goal is to just end it all by the end of the month. that is the easiest and most painless, peaceful way to pass. I do not want to hear any of the just fight a little longer, do not go. Lifes been so hard for the last 13 years and I am exhausted and tired from fighting and having absolutely NOTHING workout. So please, I just want to know the easiest way to pass Easiest way to die",Suicidal +11472,"I do not know why but it hurt so much. Just the feeling that someone that I once considered my best friend and someone that I had so many memories with just did not care.I knew that he would agree with me but it really hurt me that I poured my heart out saying how fun it has been and he just replies with a single sentence.I do not know man I just feel so sad about it for no reason and really needed somewhere to vent. I just told my friend of 5 years that we are not as close anymore and I wrote an entire paragraph to end things on good terms and all I got was ""okay, have a good life""",Depression +11473,it will never get better for me its just a cycle of up and down and fucking memories and it will never fucking stop even with the medication I am stuck like this forever oh my god i cut my wrist really bad i need to end it i cannot do it i think I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +11474,"It seems like the more I try to change my life the worse my suicidal thoughts get, its like my head cannot deal with me trying for once and keeps telling me all the reasons I should hate myself everyday, it makes me feel like I could snap at any moment, maybe I am not meant to be here Feeling close to kms lately",Suicidal +11475,"Sometimes I wonder if I should just disappear for a while, give everyone in my life a break. Even though I am doing better than I was a few years ago, I see that it fatigues people to be around me. With everything in my life its not a matter of if, its a matter of when things will go. I feel like all my relationships are already on borrowed time. No matter how much I improve, I cannot ignore how much harder I make the lives of those around me. Being a Burden",Depression +11476,"So, I might be in a very unique and different position than probably 100% of the world . Please read it all and you will get it. So about 5 years ago I hit rock bottom. I went literally from being in cloud 9 to severe depression, crazy anxiety, low self esteem( just like an on and off switch) I ditched my career as a musician because of insecurities. Somehow I was able to accomplish ALOT in these 5 years. worked hard to find ways to always stay close to music and got multiple jobs within the executive side of the music industry, But of course, always self conscious because I was not following my passion as a musician/ producer. I had a terrible experience in all those jobs, specially because I got fired from the last two. Something very special happened during my last job. I met my current girlfriend/ love of my life and also a super. Straight up a super star, she is a very respected successful artist. After I got fired from my last job, I had a feeling that little by little I was going to hit another depressive episode, which I did. I already overcame it but all the residues from the past 5 years are still there. - Unmotivated, tired, insecure, scared, uninspired. Almost broke . Etc. here is is something unique, because of the past 5 years + my relationship, I have gotten the confidence and knowledge that I know that I can make it as a creative in the music industry (facts) but like I said, all the residues from the hardships of these past years are hardcore engrained in my soul. I am back at making music but its costing me a lot to be consistent staying motivated and focused. Basically what I want is to train / practice / feel motivated / content / in order to prove myself that I got this and once again feel like I am in cloud 9. Anyone with some knowledge? I want to work hard again but this time for myself and not someone that is paying my bills , I want to keep my ambitions alive and conquer everything I have always wanted to , but this time accompanied by my girl . Please help. Help",Suicidal +11477,"I have no trust left, i cannot eat and i cannot vent to the very few people i know because i know I am just annoying and would look desperate for attention. i have no place here or anywhere. nightly panic attacks, convincing myself things will get better does not work. i do not want to because my mother or brother grief but I am so mentally unable to take care of myself right now. It hurts to exist. i just want to stop. I am completely mentally destroyed. suicide hotline people got mad at me for being incoherent while crying. hung up instantly. I am so lost.",Depression +11478,Landed myself in the hospital over the weekend. Accidently on purpose took too much Tylenol when I decided to get blackout drunk to cope with all the crap going on in my life right now. did not even get to get blackout drunk because my bf called the ems on me. Now I am battling homelessness and money problems. Just more and more crap to shovel. Depression kicking my a*s lately,Depression +11479,"Within an hour I can go from feeling sad, to feeling nothing, then to feeling okay. Its constantly like this and it keeps switching I do not know why. I hate this",Depression +11480,there just is no end to the mental pain.I am tired. tired when i do anything. tired of everything.tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. tired. pain and tired,Depression +11481,I have nobody. I have nobody at all. I was at the hospital the other night for a really bad kidney infection and I just...I loved being there...they took care of me..they get payed for it but...idk...I just want to feel taken care of...held and loved...it is stupid...I am out of the hospital now but all I can think about is getting back...I want to hurt myself to get back in..not like a cutting or burning (which I do sometimes) but I mean...like...breaking my own fingers or something...it is desperate but..nobody wants me otherwise so... I am just an attention seeking whore right?,Suicidal +11482,What do you do when you realize that you are beyond what medication can assist? Meds are not helping,Suicidal +11483,"I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, i have trauma from my past relationship along with anxiety and it was subtle at first but now I have gone into a depressive episode and i genuinely do not know how to support anyone anymore. I have been in therapy before and I am going back but the waiting list is months away so i cannot get any professional help for a while, and my boyfriend is starting to get sad and other things and i feel so guilty because i genuinely do not know how to help him its like i do not feel anything for anyone anymore and i do not want to drag him down with me. does anyone have any advice? how to be in a relationship when you are depressed",Depression +11484,It does not matter if I have a good day. My trash excuse of a bf always tries to ruin it. I bring back $200 in crab for dinner and all the kids leave and he tells me how he cannot eat it playing 2k oh but he would have loved to eat some. So I am about to just throw it all in the trash and not even eat myself because Fuck it. Wish I could trade places with the damn crab Why try,Suicidal +11485,"Let me preface this by saying that this is mostly me venting and thinking that I am an attention seeker.I do not know how often it happens but its gotten to the point that I am writing this. I do not know if this is normal not but I am turning 20 in a couple of days and for the past 5-6 years have had on and off bouts of suicidal thoughts. Some worse than others where I seriously plan out and try and figure out the way to commit suicide in a way that would not end up making my parents sad. I do not want to give myself a self-diagnosis so I do not consider myself depressed, just really stupid.Pretty much every night I have existential thoughts about wishing I was never born or wishing my parents and friends hated me so they would not care if I killed myself. I hate writing stuff down or trying to explain myself because of two reasons. First is I think I am an attention seeker meaning I think that I am not actually depressed. I mean In all honesty I should not be. Nothing bad has ever happened to me so I should not be depressed I do not understand why. I hate talking about this because I hate people who self-diagnose and try and get attention and pity from others. The only reason I am posting this is because I am concerned about my mental health because I actually visited a nearby bridge at around 4 am, but gave up because I was scared of my parents being sad. This is my second time writing this.My second reason is my parents. I honestly wish they never had me. They care about me, and I am basically just spitting in their face by having these thoughts. I wish they hated me so I would not care about waiting to kill myself.I would like to know how to bring this up to people if I actually am suicidal. Currently I am hating myself to the extreme because I quit my first job after 3 years and have been leeching off my parents for the last month except for doing chores, and running errands for them. They even give me money for the errands and I do not even pay rent so I feel like a complete scumbag. I am interviewing for a job soon though.I pretty much dropped out of college because I could not even find the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, and that led me to being scared to go to classes because I am so behind.Recently I have not found any joy out my hobbies either I just feel empty doing them so I just decided to stop doing them altogether. My interests, and motivation to do anything has just skyrocketed downwards recently so that is fun.Sorry for the incoherent rambling, last question is is this normal to think this way, am I depressed, or am I an attention seeker. I would like to know how to bring this up to people if I am actually suicidal. Am I actually depressed?",Suicidal +11486,"I have struggled with depression and gender dysphoria since I was a child. I tried to kill myself 6 years ago, and I am currently in a deeper and more profound pain than I have ever been in. I have never felt more hopeless than I do in this stage of my life. I know that I absolutely cannot continue this way. it is not sustainable. But what I do not know is if I can find happiness. I am 27 years old, and two years of hrt. I have tried mess, mindfulness, cbt, group therapy, everything. At most it will work for a month or two and then I am back to being locked in a crippling depression. And I am tired of it. I cannot take the near constant pain anymore. I have been cutting off my ties to people. I am ready to end it all, for real this time. No mistakes. Because I absolutely cannot take this level of pain. For me, fighting the torment did not make anything better, it just made the misery that much worse. I am tired. This is the one and only way I plan to reach out to anyone at all about this. I am afraid.",Depression +11487,I survived being hit by a train because it missed me. I am going to try again. I cannot handle crying in the next room while everyone else celebrates the family and blessings they have. No one gives a shit about me. The world still revolves. I am going to kill myself tomorrow by the railroad,Suicidal +11488,My life is way too complex. MY LIFE IS WAY TOO COMPLEX. WHY cannot I GET ANY FOOD!?! MY THOUGHTS ARE WAY TOO COMPLEX,Suicidal +11489,"I have tried every combination of therapy and meds and different doctors there is literally nothing and no one who can help me I have been trying to feel better for almost 2 decades now but i just keep feeling worse and worseive tried so much fucking shit but nothing works I have taken advice from every type of professional there is as well as every friend and family member who is tried to help why do i have to be like this, nothings ever going to help me there is nothing that can help me",Suicidal +11490,"I do not know if I am going to continue life or not, it is really scary not knowing when I will finally snap and end it all, it could be in an hour or a week or 8 years, or never, I just do not know, it is to the point where it is a waiting game it is a 'when' not an 'if' and I am scared that I will not be able to see my younger siblings grow and become adults, I will not be able to become the therapist that I want to, I just do not know when I will end up doing it. it is an incredibly scary thought that some day I will probably kill myself I just want help, I want these thoughts these feelings to go away, I just...... cannot anymore. I am scared",Depression +11491,"I am anorexic. I have knocked on deaths door many times in the past. But never like this. A few days ago, it was 30c here. I was shivering the entire day. Even while wearing a full sleeved shirt. My hair is falling out again, my chest pain has never been worse, I cannot be up on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time, I have never been more tired. I could sleep all week and I would still be tired. It seems like my body is preparing itself for eternal sleep. I have even started to look like death. Quite recently, I had the misfortune of seeing myself in the mirror and I have not been able to get that image out of mind since. My bones are sticking out from places I did not even know they could. I am going to die :). I feel like I am being tormented but I have never been closer to death and for that; I am grateful. I am going to die anyway",Suicidal +11492,"I have the past 5 years I have had multiple year plus sober periods but I cannot shake this depression and funk. I have tried meds, I run, write, meditate, have had great jobs, eat good, supplement. Pretty much everything they say helps and I makes me feel a bit better but some days its hard and I can barely function. I always end up going back to drinking due to frustration from never feeling better. Doc says I may have treatment resistant depression which I have no clue what that means, shock treatment or lobotomy lol? Just venting I am annoyed. I have had docs tell me I might be bi polar and others tell me no way because I am 28 and have never been manic. A few adhd diagnoses that were rescinded. I am doing every freaking thing possible I can to feel better but nothing seems to lift the dark cloud and its robbed large chunks of my adult life. I feel like I have been depressed most my adult life and I have always been told if I get sober from alcohol my depression will improve but it does not.",Depression +11493,My sister is happy that I have a roommate now and thinks that it is going to improve my mental health. All it does is make me feel awkward and vulnerable. I do not like being around people when I am depressed,Depression +11494,"TW: SA from the ages 6-11 i was sexually abused by my 2 uncles and cousin. after i finally realized i could just say no to going to c that family. i vaguely remember it. but i remember knowing about sex at a really young age. i started cutting, tried killing myself a couple times in middle school. my mom brushed it to the side because she did not believe in depression/mental health. she would constantly compare me to my cousin who was very polite, girly, and fun. and i always felt as though i could never live up to my moms standards. comes my junior year of high school my mom has had enough of me telling her i do not want to go see my tas and tos. i do not want to go because they used me. she does not know why i do not want to go but she is had it. she choked me. she fucking choked me. and i hit her and fought hard to get her off me. i called the cops and they did not believe me. i was stuck with her. I have just been very exhausted from living with my family. i feel like idek who i am or who i was. i keep thinking about who i could have been. what could have been. i know i should try to move on but its so hardim trying i really am but every time i see how my boyfriends family treats each other I am filled with so much jealousy. and its a reminder that i will never have that. vent?",Suicidal +11495,"Lost, confused, no where to runCan't escape from myselfI cannot eradicate my hellMe and my shadow are one He follows me, whispers self violence Silence, blistering winds forms riotsMind's a war zone, I am almost nothing So I lose almost nothing with self destruction Dysfunction, dysfunction.. Demons are coming Been dead, body's a vessel for chaos Friends will need a seance to reach meRing ring, the devil gave me the phone I did not take the call and sat on his throne Poem",Suicidal +11496,I have actually cried with joy and relief when I really think about how suicide is possible. Suicide feels like an act of self-love at this point. I have 100% of the power it takes to make the pain stop. Death is the most comforting thought I have.,Suicidal +11497,Today was a good day. I got things done. I had fun. But out of nowhere I suddenly felt this feeling. Like I should kill myself. It upsets me because I was fine and suddenly I just want to end my life. I have bpd but this just shows how messed up humanity is the fact that people have to deal with this. I can have a great day but suddenly all I will feel is emptiness and just want to die.,Suicidal +11498,"I just do not belong to this world, never did. There are better people doing a better job than being what I am than I do, s I thought why not ditch everything and die. I was never useful to start with. I just feel sorry for the one who will find me. I yearn to be dead soon",Suicidal +11499,Would asphyxiating without hanging kill me? Or any other way that does not require hanging Alternatives,Suicidal +11500,"it is honestly the worst feeling in the world have the one person you care about and love the most tell you they hate you.. yeah I know I have fucked up but I am doing everything I can to change for her.. the night she told me that I got up out of bed, went to the backyard. Found some good strong and long rope and set off into the darkness.. as I was preparing for my departure she comes and finds me, taking my escape with her.. after this she goes back inside.. that is when I went too look for another escape route.. ended up finding some old ratchet straps and set off once again, this time to the horse trailer.. I tied up a half assed noose and pit it around my neck and sat down..as I feel myself drifting off into the darkness I hear her call out to me with a worried tone.. that is when I thought to myself, maybe she does still care about me, maybe I can keep on living.. that was almost my final goodbye and at times I wish it was.. but no.. instead I stood up and removed the strap from around my neck and just sat there crying to myself.. she ended up finding me saying I could come back inside.. that was 3 nights ago.. and she still will not sleep in the same bed as me, say ""I love you"" , call me babe, hug me, kiss me.. nothing.. I feel like a stranger in my own home.. and I do not know if I can keep going on like this.. I have promised myself that if one more thing happens then that is it for me.. I hate to say it but I am serious.. I do not want a life that does not have her in it.. I just wish she could know that before it is too late.. My own wife does not even want me anymore..",Suicidal +11501,My relationship is in the worst place its ever been in I am alone daily from 9am till 7am when my parents get back from work/hospital because my mum has cancer so my dad has to do double hours I sit and just play on video games and then watch wrestling so I do not get enough sleep because I stay up late to watch wrestling All the things that used to make me happy do not anymore I speak to one person on Snapchat daily and I am scared my girlfriend thinks I am flirting with her because its her friend but I am not Also if you remember me from my last post I made I am still fucked with the crime stuff so I cannot even get a job or do anything I want to do (my fault entirely) I just cannot see a way out of the spot I am in and I know people say well look at the last rough spot you was in you got out of that This is different everything that could go wrong has and I do not know what to do anymore I do not want to die I just do not want to be here anymore I am genuinely not happy,Suicidal +11502,I had a friend but I drove her away and I just do not know if I will ever trust someone again. Fuck me It feels as if I will never do anything right,Depression +11503,"I went to a hospital in March after an attempt. Life has been a living hell then. I made a friend in there who became super attached to me fast, only to ditch me in a few weeks and start dating someone with my same name. My dad has become so detached from me. He did not even come see me on my birthday. I lashed out at my best friend and lost her. My mom has become meaner. I keep trying to move out of here and failing. I just wish I died I wish I fucking died why did anyone stop me I hate my life so fucking much I hate all of this shit I want to fucking die I do not enjoy any of this and what is the point I am going to suffer and be alone forever I hate my life I wish someone could just kill me Life has been on a downward spiral ever since I was stopped from committing",Suicidal +11504,"Last year I went into a relationship, I do not really trust anyone to heart too fast so it took a long time to trust. And when I did trust her she dumped me... I felt horrible and she never gave an answer why she dumped me. I recently met this girl and she was so sweet and caring so I trusted her too fast with my heart... she cheated in front of me with no mercy at all. This happened yesterday and I am just feeling that lifes not worth it anymore... I have been bullied for a long time and I have big insecurities, should I really live any more?// A teen male Relationships and suicide thoughts.",Depression +11505,"I have gone a week without doing any drugs or having any alcohol. I did that daily for months, but this last week have had the clearest thoughts I have had in quite some time.And they tell me the same thing my brain tells me when I am fucked up: there is no hope, there is no way out. You want to know something morbidly funny?",Suicidal +11506,"Every day I think about just doing it and being done. I do not want to die. But its all I think about now. I do not know how to make things better when what makes me upset is out of my control. I am stuck in a place I am not happy and I have no way out. Well, one way right now I guess. How do I stop hating the life that I am living? I do not know. I do not think Ill ever know. I do not even think I deserve to know. I do not know how to stop",Suicidal +11507,I want to die I cannot do this anymore. I am freaking out rn I do not know what to do,Suicidal +11508,"I get so angry thinking how many people must read these and think how I am such a bad person for looking for attention. No fucking shit I am looking for attention, I need support and of course I am going to reach out for it I am really upset",Suicidal +11509,This is my ideal method. I just do not want it to fail. Id rather die of an ISIS beheading than to have my parents see me alive after another attempt. Is 16 ounces of 80 proof liquor and 4 zquil enough to kill me? (155 lb / 70 kg),Suicidal +11510,"I ran away because I could not help it (ptsd response). I am so unlovable. I just want to fade away. Every time a car passes by I secretly wish someone would just shoot me. I do not deserve to be alive. I feel like I am forever broken and damaged. No one wants me. I constantly feel stuck and like I have nowhere to turn to. I am stuck even though everyone would secretly be better off and happier without me. Please I just want my misery to be over. I wish I could just keel over and simply vanish. No more pain for anyone. Just peace and happiness. All I do is ruin everything and turn everyone against me. I deserve to jump in front of the next car that comes my way. I hope I accidentally ""fall"" I do not deserve to live and I am so unlovable.",Suicidal +11511,"Scrolling through this feed, I am apart of the suicidal thoughts as well, but the few times I can separate myself from them and think outside I just see the tortures the mind can do. Regrets, challenges, pain, suffering, all becomes heightened more than any happiness. Trying to Obtain happiness in these states of mind seems so useless. The brain can be a hard thing to manage. Sometimes I look at my cat or other non human living beings and just think of what a lovely existence not having to think too much must be Ironic that our mind being the most intelligent also makes it the most cruel.",Suicidal +11512,Is this possible or should I just save it for my therapist? I spent a decade planning and then attempting my suicide. For a decade. Thinking about suicide became one of my deepest habits. I still have chronic obsessive ideation. Even when I was happy I thought about it almost daily passively.But I cannot really talk about it. People assume I am unstable or overwhelmed. I am not. I am just opening up about how I always feel. I do not want reassurance. I want to stop hiding that part of my personality all the time. The masking is draining.I do not know how to express this without alarming anyone though. I do not want them to think they can help me. I feel like I have a moral obligation to hide how I feel about suicide around them. How do you handle talking about suicide when you know you are not really allowed to talk about it? How to talk about suicide in a non toxic way?,Suicidal +11513,"I enjoy writing and being by myself. I have some projects lined up that should release in the next year or two. I do not expect to become rich, what I hope is that these projects will perform well enough to allow me to quit my job. If not, I think I will live off any remaining savings for a month or so, enjoying final moments, then death.In the United States, apparently none of us have the capability to produce thoughts. If you stand around in silence, people will be bothered by it. Have to always talk and smile. For my entire life, I have been talked to as if I am a complete idiot. To be smart, have to always talk and never think... Tired of being talked down to. Tired of living in such a grossly ignorant country. Tough to find fulfilling work. I like my mind and I like to think and feed my varied curiosity. Writing seems like the only joy to fulfill these desires. Though, I once tried a job that at least provided physical fulfillment: landscaping. Basically get paid to work out in the sun, be surrounded by nature. I applied landscaping maintenance but they ended up placing me on landscape construction, which is currently out of my capabilities due to such immense heavy lifting. Tried telling HR about this, ended spending an hour with two higher-ups telling me that I should not be disruptive. When I had went into the job interview, I told the higher-up that I am a little reluctant, 30 pounds is probably my lifting limit. He responds ""Oh you will just be planting flowers"". A 50 pound slab is quite the flower.Job that I currently do is not horrendous, but four or five constant 12 hour shifts is a bit of a drag. And while it is unintional, having my coworkers talk to me as if I am a complete idiot, just because I am quiet, not an existence I want to keep living. I have lived pretty well, and I have given, and will give a few more shots for a worthwhile life. does not seem to make sense to perform unfullfiling work. Or to live in a country that likes to promote individuality yet will expect everyone to constantly talk. I dread humans",Suicidal +11514,"I have an online friend that is planning on killing himself. I know his name and what state he lives in, but that is all. I tried talking him out of it, but he is insists this is the right thing to do. I do not know what to do How do I save my friend?",Suicidal +11515,"english is not my mother language, sorry if its a bit all over the placethrowaway due to a pointless fear of someone clicking my profile and recognizing mealcohol, gambling, not even masturbation makes me feel anything anymore. by my own means I have been depressed since 8th grade which makes it almost 8 years by now. I have never seen a future to myself since the age of 14before high school i was kind of a recluse doing my own thing, playing my own games on the computer and not very popular but since i discovered parties and alcohol I have been a main man that everyone invites. since then I have gotten along with everyone not depending on gender, the sarcastic humorist that everyone needs in their life, I have been a shoulder to cry on for males and females and I have always been someone that has given advice to them that they have benefitted from. since high school ended I have noticed that all my friends have gotten some type of lives and I have always been the one who has been included into new friend groups that have formed from those times that have quite not made it yet. but now is the time that these friends have ran out and I am starting to be the only one who cannot move on.I am from quite a dysfunctional family and i am now working a very severe manual labor job that i just do because i could not stay for more than a year in university due to never having learned the ability to study by being able to cruise through high school without any problemsi have no goals in life because everything feels pointless, although i realise that it is not pointless because my life and something that i do could matter to someone but i am really at a crossroads now by binge drinking at the weekends but does not seem a fast enough slow suicide. even thought of becoming an opioid addict because id have a point to wake up in the morning to get my next fix. sounds absolutely idiotic i know, but this is where I am at noweverytime i get together with my old friends I have acted like its all ok and bullshit my way out of it but I have started to drink more compared to them when i see them and its starting to damage the relationship i have with themits probably a shamble and it took a lot from me to write this since and not delete it like i tried to many times during this post. I have never told this to anybody.also sorry if its the wrong subreddit for this, maybe it would fit more to the doomer or whatever subredditi just do not know anymore, i guess I am just young and stupid but when will it end absolutely nothing",Depression +11516,"Goodbye Homelessness, schizophrenia, abusive mother, Abusive ex, 3 bucks to my name, one week to come up with 500$, a family that hates me, multiple rapes, horrible hallucinations voices, shadows, faces, eyes, goodbye",Suicidal +11517,"I know she works and has a kid too but we never talk like we used to. We maybe text once a week a couple of texts sent back and forth but that is about it. I just miss her so much. We used to text everyday, I do not know what I did wrong Guess a 5 minute call from my best friend is too much to ask for",Depression +11518,I did not even go through serious trauma and crippled with mental issues I feel so fragile Some people go through some fucked up shit and I am here can barely function,Depression +11519,"There are genes for aggression, tribalism and greed. Three things that have plauged our entire species from our ape-like days. Babies are inherently racist. They trust people like look like them and usually show signs of discomfort and nervousness around people of other races a study reported. We are literally bad from birth. The only way to make a better society is to genetically remove those genes out of the gene pool which is possible. Scientists have done it before in other animals but nobody would agree to have it being done to humans because of ethical reasons so therefore look forward to racism, sexism, homophobia, capitalism, war, violence, rape, greed and more NEVER ending. Only way it will end is if we go extinct. Depression should not be considered a mental illness. It is the natural reaction to waking up to how evilness in literally wired into the genetics of humanity.",Depression +11520,"The crushing loneliness. Arguments. People lying to me, using me. Being the backup plan. My mom who had cancer with a high risk of return.I am done man I am turning 21 coming Tuesday and I do not care! I really do not give a shit. What is everyone elses summer break? Partying, hooking up, getting to know new people.Mine is the same everyday. Get up, play video games. Be mad at everything, wallow in sadness and envy. August comes and its back to the grindstone for college until the day comes I graduate and I can slave away for corporations until I am in my late 60s, considered useless and die. My parents who are the only people I can honestly say are my only rays of light in this world will not be here forever and realistically will pass away once I am in my late 30s or 40s.I have so much to say and so much to tell but what it all comes down to, is that I am so done. So mentally exhausted Id rope myself if I had the fucking balls to do it which I lack. I cannot destroy my parents and sister like that, the annoying question of but what if it gets better later? in my head which is basically me holding a carrot in front of my own face and the survival instinct to stay alive.I do not know what do. I am fucking done with this shit but I lack the courage to do it",Suicidal +11521,"Making a joke out of pain is all I know how to do, but currently the pain is both mental and physical and I do not know how to make it better. My s/o is emotionally unavailable, and I cannot talk to him about this (I know, not good, not the time). Everything hurts and I just want it to stop how do I keep on going right now? Much sad",Depression +11522,"TW- disordered eating,suicidal ideation I do not know why I have lost all motivation to do anything either I am eating too much or too little. I am constipated as fuck. I am tired and slept for 9 hours. do not even have the motivation to cook anything so I had to order shit to the apartment I live in. I am poor and cannot hold a job for more than a month without all of the stresses building up until I break down. Makes me feel like I am acting like an entitled piece of shit who is making excuses not to work or something but I have tried the approach of just sucking up the stress and hoping it will disappear does not work like that. Parent pressured me to move out by screaming at me constantly and telling me that Ill never amount to anything in life and how I am toxic and judged me over my every move. Never really felt good enough think about killing myself but that is too much effort. Tried therapy did not work. Tried medical marijuana developed scary hallucinations. I do not know what I am doing in life I am just existing and am likely to end up out on the street likely to become a drug addict because I am nothing but a bother to people. Thinking of running away but again that is literally too much. I do not want to be here. I feel worthless",Depression +11523,"I am nothing. I have no hobbies, I have no skills, I have no interests, I have no personality, I have no friends, I have no future. I am nothing. I am nothing",Depression +11524,the only way i know for sure i would use too scared of just having fucked up organs from od and too afraid of suffocating from hangin i wish i had a gun,Suicidal +11525,"if I am dead, i cannot feel relief or contentment or whatever. i get it.i cannot keep typing, experiencing, or otherwise going through life moment after moment, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month existing as this human that does not feel connected. i cannot keep having breakdowns every day. i cannot keep feeling empty.the same advice gets mentioned: find a hobby, medicate, therapy, meditate, make lists, exercise, get a job, spend time outside, spend time with friends/family. i keep doing all the things (minus therapy and drugs). first day as a 47 year old: not cool.disconnected and pretty close to suicide. repeated thoughts of suicide",Depression +11526,"Hello,Decided to keep myself occupied by working 75 hour shifts at my job & get my money up. Been putting my debt aside for awhile now & I have come to terms that I cannot let it go on like this. Baby steps for me to become healthy, I need to be financially free. My main goal in life is to be free. I do not want to feel chained, I do not want to feel like I have any ties with this planet, & to do so I really need to discipline myself, but before that I need to play catch up. So this is what I am on, hoping to feel better after I get this debt out the way. Hope everyone out here reading is trying as well. Were not alone. Day #4 07/23/2021 6:41PM CST",Suicidal +11527,I have lost pretty much all of my friends. My boyfriend has just stopped interacting with me and blocked me on everything. I am going into year 11 and I still have no friends at my new school I just feel like a ghost 99% of the time . I have heard at least 11 people at my school saying racist shit. And loads of other stuff. I feel like killing myself but at the same time I do not want stuff to get worse for my siblings because of me. I do not know what to do anymore I am done,Suicidal +11528,i do not want to waste ny time il be dead not say i like summer i do not want to come back to school,Suicidal +11529,"I can ignore how unsatisfied I am most of the time. Can go for walks, try to practice mindfulness, be present in my surroundings, find some transient comfort in the moment. Be grateful for what I have.But all that does is just shovel my feelings of unsatisfaction and self loathing aside. Shove it into a box. Or maybe ite more like building a damn, and occasionally the damn breaks or the reservoir is over-full and everything just floods in. Without flung e into specificd this is *not* where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Worse, I cannot actually imagine my life being any different anymore.I mean, it would be foolish and unrealistic for somebody approaching 40 too imagine they could become a professional athlete. I have no desire to do that, but that is how everything feels to me me. *Every path feels totally unfeasible*. I have no particular goals or interests. So all I can do is plod along, the best I can hope for is a job I do not actively hate.Honestly if somebody said I could press a button to wipe my life from existence without causing others pain it would be hard to not press it. I can easily just shove my negative thoughts aside, but all it means is that' there is a void of feeling. Then occasionally the barrier breaks and I feel very sad.",Depression +11530,Anybody on lithium and latuda and bloated always looking preg???I tried excercise and all kind of diets nothing helps and it is so frustrating everyone always asks me if I am preg and I am NOT Is the meds causing it????? Meds,Depression +11531,"honestly cannot keep doing this. idk what happened, I was finally healed. I finally cured my sh addiction and now I am going back to all of that now. I am so exhausted been having the worst suicidal thoughts lately",Depression +11532,Nobody will take you or your problems seriously unless you actually kill urself like.its the same as how traffic engineers will not install a crosswalk until a certain number of pedestrians *die* at a certain location even if its well-traversed. I feel like a lot of the factors that lead me to be suicidal are systemic but nobody cares about suicidal people or people suffering from addictions until we *die*. Sometimes I feel like I need to like you know take one for the team? Maybe somebody will give a fuck about climate change or affordability? or healthcare? or burnout or overwork? or financial instability? Worst part of being suicidal is that nobody really cares if you *do not* do it,Suicidal +11533,"So, here is the problem; I know too much, I do not mean to sound insane or like I am bragging, what I mean is I know of the corruption, deceit, and just general horrible-ness of the world, I know that all that is in my future is Ill get a meaningless paper, go to some college, end up in horrible debt, and never be able to pay it off, and I will not affect anything in the world, besides maybe causing problems for those close to me because I am generally a nuisance, I am just generally annoying, overly apologetic, and just have a shit load of bad qualities, I would get help, I think I might have depression but I do not want to be manipulative, I do not want to tell the truth and then my parents feel obligated to get me what I want, I do not want to manipulate people, and even if I do, I am not sure about meds, because all they will do is make me think the world is not fucked, I want to be better, but I do not want to lie to myself, sorry for the long post and sorry if I worded things badly, also sorry for just having overly specific problems Can someone help?",Suicidal +11534,Everyone I love is gone or hates me. what is the point now. I am done. I am done,Suicidal +11535,"Has anyone else written their suicide note to a single person?For me, that person is one of the most (or the most) important person in my life. Deserves a dignified farewell. Although I had planned to send a short audio with a farewell, the actual suicide note will arrive via e-mail hours after my suicide (I will schedule it for that time, of course). My suicide note is just for that person.",Suicidal +11536,"I know things are not great, but believe the world's a better place with you in it. With that in mind I want to wish you an enjoyable and relaxing weekend. Wishing you all a lovely weekend!",Suicidal +11537,"The title is not meant to discourage others, but it is what I feel things have come to in my personal experience with life. I just want to get some stuff of my chest, even though it will not help for long. What better place to do it- than *Reddit*? I do not know, but I will still do it. I do not expect anyone to say the magic words that help, so this is again more for me to unload. However there is a possibility someone can help- so it does not hurt. I also rarely write large amounts of texts like this, so I am sorry for the confusion you might get from the out of order- randomness- etc.. from this text.This is also going to be really long, as I will include many things- both as background and as reason.If you struggle with things yourself, please do not take my text as a sign to be discouraged. I feel terrible when I see others struggle and I wish I could help them. **let us start with a little about me:**My first name is Adrian- the rest will remain anon. I am just about to turn 24 years old, live in Norway and have a stable full time job. I have an apartment, a car and money is not an issue.When most people hear that, they think I have life perfectly under control- that I am more lucky than others. And- to a degree that is true. I have been more lucky than many people in this world- but it is not what I have in my possession that brings me happiness. What brings me down is my social anxiety- combined with depression. I have a *somewhat different* type of social anxiety, but I was still diagnosed with it. I can be in crowds, be it in malls or shopping centers- stores- whatever it might be without an issue. Talking to strangers is not an issue, unless it is random chatting. By that I mean, if I am to pay for what I am buying and have do exchange a few words with the clerk in order to get something from the medical cabinet or something similar I have no issues at all. I think that is because I know what to say, how to respond and all that- it is all been done before enough times where I am comfortable doing it. When it comes to random chat however... it is tough to even do with my family. Primarily because I have nothing to talk about. When I am at work, and my colleagues are having a chat- I never join in because I have no clue how to participate. Even the colleague who is just 1 year older than me seems to have done a million more things and therefor have a lot more to talk about. While I sit there, trying to think of *something* interesting I can mention- but I am completely blank. When I do however get asked about something I do know, it is quite alright- until I make some sort of mistake (like stating a fact, that turned out to be false) I feel like an idiot. I do not show that though- I shrug it off and pretend I found it sort of funny. I live most of my life currently pretending I am happy, like everything is fine. I work at a place I cannot show my depression to others. I imagine most places would be like that however. I am quite good at that now, do not think most people know my life is... bad. **let us go back in time a bit:**Quite early in my life, after changing schools because of moving- I was starting to become a target from bullies. The good old classic. Some people would constantly pick on me, other people pretended to be disgusted when I was nearby- some just ignored me and so on. The school's solution to this was to remove me from class... I thought back then that was great, get me away from those people. I have however come to realize that it was probably a bad solution. I never got to work with other students, never really had a chance to socialize the little bit you can during class. I was alone, with a teacher of my own. I did have a few friends, so that was something- but long story short I messed that up and lost them.This went on until the end of 10th grade. Get bullied, picked on- and have a few nice people that I would stick with until something happened that made them go away. Then high school arrived- and I was excited for a new chance with new people. (and of course I liked the school.) The first few months, I attended school but gained no contacts. No one treated me bad so I did not really mind that.. Until one day where I entered my classroom, 2 girls were standing by the door and laughed when I passed them. Thinking back at it now, I think it was just a coincidence- but back then it dropped my self esteem right back to the ground. 1 of those girls I even found attractive, so that did not help. Then after a little more time things become quite good. I became friends with a few in class, and the rest still treated me quite alright. The only thing that made me feel bad was the thought I still had not had a girlfriend. (This was at the age of 16, quite early to sob about such a thing.). Year 2 of high school, I went the route for car mechanics. I was back at the start of having no contacts, friends or such. I was still treated alright by everyone though. I asked some people if I could join them when they drove to the store to get lunch (some were over 18)- and they said I would be able to join them- it one of the car seats were not taken by a spare wheel. I felt neutral about that, because at least they did not talk down on me or anything. Later that year I made friends again. Great right? Indeed it was, school was fun again. (Fun fact, one of the people in this group was the girl I earlier stated I found attractive.) The only relevant things from the rest of the year is about said girl. She was now a friend- and I did not want to ruin that. So despise people saying she was interested in me I took no chances. So I treated her as a friend, until near Christmas where I finally decided to somewhat casually ask her about going out and do something together. That was the day she just became the girlfriend of someone else in class. I was back at the bottom, but pretended to be happy. Back then I was terrible at pretending and people kept asking why I was down. did not feel it was worth talking about so I walked away. She, and the others though did remain my friends out that year. School year ended, and people from that group started to become somewhat snappy- passive aggressive. So I gave up on them too. I did however remain friends with said girls- boyfriend. Next year, I retake the same year but with another subject. Same procedure, sit alone most of the time at first- then I make 2 friends. We shared interest in gaming so we played online quite a bit. I believe these 2 were the best friends I had made. There is of course a girl in class I found attractive- and she had a difficult personality to understand... I misunderstood her all the time and kept thinking she despised me. That of course did make me feel horrible a lot during that year. At this time, I do believe my main because of depression was things like this. The year ends, and I have to find a job- but I fail. I think I got 1 singular interview during the summer. They did not want me there so I was without a job. Here is where I got lucky, a company calls me and asks me to come in for an interview. I get there, and see the ""attractive girl from last school year"" was also called in for an interview. At this point I do however realize I am not despised and we had neutral opinions of each other. (At least that is what I believe). Both of us get the job (as apprentices), so there is that. During the next 2 years nothing interesting happens, except me constantly feeling horrible about life- and not having a single good experience on apps like Tinder and so on. Before I continue, let us fill out a bit how dating apps have hurt me. By the time I had reached 18, my depression was quite strong. I did honestly feel like people hated me but were nice and hid it. While using the apps, I was often unmatched within the first 5 seconds of matching. That did hurt when it had happened for the 20th time. I never dared to say hi to anyone- so that is my fault I guess. Those who said hi to me first- made me feel good! For about 5 minutes until you could clearly tell in the messages they were uninterested. (Like the saying, talking to a wall.)These apps, did bring me even further down overall. Never up. Back to the real life part. &#x200B;After 2 years you take sort of an exam, and after that you are no longer an apprentice. I scored maximum. (3 points, excellent.) So did the girl I was working with. One of the people I worked with suggested I invited the girl out for a ""celebratory"" dinner for finishing school 100% with a good score. It was worth a shot. She denied that immediately. (This did, once again- destroy me inside, but in the long run it was for the better.) Both of us get's the opportunity to continue working for a partner company as long as the interview goes well. That it did. We both remained colleagues so that is when I realized it was indeed good she said no. About at this time though, I make a incredibly stupid decision to ""reset my social life"". I thought if I could get myself into a completely new social environment I would maybe have a better life in general. I did this because I was still constantly feeling horrible- like people disliked me and such. After this I never made new friends, and 3- soon 4 years later here I am- still alone. I have never found another opportunity even to make new friends, I no longer meet new people. The people I meet at work are a lot older (no offence to them). And those my age still seem to look down on me. That is the big thing with me, I feel like everyone looks down on me- even without proof. The thing is, with social anxiety- is one notices so many details of how one reacts to your presence. Even to details that were never even there. I still am like this... Quite a bit of people have given me suggestions on how to deal with things- I have even tried talking to a psychologist. Nothing worked. When people say good things to be- it goes in one ear, and out the other. When people say rude things, it sticks like glue. I cannot take praises seriously anymore. I cannot take advices. I do not see the worth of anything. All in all, I ***really*** wish I never existed. I have done nothing good to this world. I have been destroyed- I no longer want help. I just want it to be over. The only things that make me feel good, even just for a moment- is random things like a stranger saying something nice. Compliments from people I know, do nothing. I honestly think, the only thing that would get me out of this she will- is a semi-random situation that for example results in me making a new acquaintance. But we all know that is not how the world works, especially for someone who is always at home when he is not at work. Summary: I do not think I can be helped anymore. My mind instantly switches anything positive to the negative. I was recently back at a neutral state, but then I had yet again a negative experience with another person- which brought right back down to the floor. I feel worthless- and all the other negative emotions one tend to feel during depression. This text became a complete mess, I know. There is even a ton of stories I wanted to fit in- but it will just clutter it all up at this point. The results of my depression was, a couple years back I made a deal with myself.I will give life a chance to redeem itself. I have set a date in the future- which I will not share- but it is still several years until. If I still live alone, with no friends- with no sense of purpose- with ***no light in the tunnel*** I am in... I will take my leave. It did in a way help to unload this, but not as much as I had hoped- because it did at the same time bring back couple bad memories of life.. I do not really plan on paying attention to the comments here, but knowing myself I will probably still do it. I would also like to finally point out, that (as mentioned partially in rule 5.) most replies with long explanations that in short just tells you that ""just to this and it all works out"" will not work. I am a very complicated work of machinery (not literally). For those who are just reading- thanks for your time, and if you are struggling with something I do truly hope you figure it out.. I know how it is... I just cannot figure out my issues. Not everyone can be helped",Depression +11538,"I cannot keep going like this. I had a suicide attempt 1 year and a half ago and everyday I regret not going through with it. Now I have kidney failure and do not want to keep fighting for a life I do not even want. Me and my Ex are still on good terms. I know he does not love me anymore and has possibly moved on, but hes my best friend and I cannot let him go which hurts because I still love him the same amount as the day I realized if not more. He knows about my suicidal thoughts and my kidney failure but refuses to accept that I am on my last legs & cannot continue like this. Hes usually there to prevent me from hurting myself or attempting because I reach out to him but this time I am not going to. My question is should I tell him or text him I love him one last time? If I do this I plan to block him immediately after. Or should I just leave it be and go without a word? Should I tell him?",Suicidal +11539,"I hate myself so much, I am such a bad person and I have done so many wrong things thorough my life, and I cannot forgive myself. I am fucking awful. I have failed as a human being and I do not have a good reason to stay alive. I should have killed myself a long time ago.I want to believe that I am going to be dead this year or the next one. At this point, being dead is just my goal in life, and as soon as I am, everything will start to be far batter for everyone else, and I am 100% about that. there is just no way for me to believe that people actually enjoy living in this world",Suicidal +11540,Santa Claus. God. Good people. The government cares about its citizens. The military treats its troops with respect instead of using them as a means to an end. Careers exist. College matters. Doctors will not lie to you to make money. We are an advanced species and do not resort to tribal ape behavior and thinking like the 'animals'. Lies. All lies. Everyday I am lied to. what is the point of keeping on when everything you believed in is lies?,Depression +11541,"Like the title says. My Dad, Mom and brother have all been abusive to me in my life. I am about to enter in a legal battle to regain property that I have already been awarded by a court that may end in me losing. My Dad had me sign some sketchy contracts that gave him enormous power over me. My brother sneers with glee that everyone knows that he raped and beat the shit out of me for ten years and nobody loves me enough to do anything to stop him. My Mom has forced me to be around my brother so she can feel okay, she always backs them up when they are derisive, dismissive or destructive, as that is just the way they are. Or well they are just trying to ____.I want to die. They win. I lose. I want them to see the totality of a life they had in their power, from birth to death. I am having suicidal ideation of killing myself in front of my family/abusers.",Depression +11542,I have missed countless days of work at this point at a job that will not fire me. Trying I could lose everything I own and run out of money so I do not have to pay rent. So maybe then if I start hitch hiking again I could find excitement in life or at the very least kill myself in a state far away from family. cannot find a reason to get out of bed,Suicidal +11543,"I have had anxiety, depression and mental illness much of my life. I have not been able to get proper treatment at my local mental health clinic. In some ways they have helped me immensely. I have been able to get my pure obsessional OCD under control so I no longer have such bad symptoms. It still definitely is there and sometimes flares up a bit, but it is just faded background noise for the most part. In other ways my mental health has significantly deteriorated. In the mid-2010s I completely lost the self confidence I had gained during my time in college when I found my tribe and got better in my art skills. I could not finish college and had to drop out due to my mental illness and ADHD and have been trying to get by as a freelance artist. I am mostly living on disability though and have not been able to earn anything close to a living wage. If I would attempted this without financial aid from the government, I would be living with my parents. And if my parents had not supported me, god knows where I would be. I would probably be homeless, which I know happened to a college friend of mine. His parents did not support his artistic pursuits and he had to quit school because they would kicked him out. My mental health is in very bad shape and has been for several years now. Since 2017 I have been completely incapacitated by the co-morbid disorders I have been dealing with. I have severe social anxiety, agoraphobia, body dysmorphic disorder, as well as ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. I also have C-PTSD. My parents have to drive me everywhere because driving terrifies me and I cannot even call a taxi because of my social anxiety and C-PTSD - which makes me terrified of being in a space with people I do not know where there is no quick exit - sitting with a taxi driver would mean I would be unable to escape easily if they turned out to be mean - I know it is highly unlikely but it still scares me. My friend had one experience with a mean taxi driver when she was in her late teens.So I had the crazy idea of trying out a drawing/art video blog, as it seems to be lucrative and you tubers earn a passive income, which I think would be great instead of just relying on government financial aid. I want to do it but I do not think I would be any good at it. It actually seems impossible for me because even though I have decent drawing skills, I have no people skills. I am socially handicapped by my mental disorders. One of the main reasons I draw is because I have such a hard time talking to people and drawing helps make me feel more comfortable around them. I have no idea how I would ever feel comfortable enough to talk on camera and not scare people away. I do not want to be insincere or fake and pretend to be more talkative and bubbly than I am. I have actually thought of doing a voice changer thing or just captions as talking just scares the hell out of me. I am scared of my voice or name being recognized by bullies and being stalked and harassed in real life or online. I may try one video and perhaps not even post it but just get a feel for it and if it does not work I will not bother. It is a multi-skilled vocation to be an art vlogger. You have to also have good people skills as well as video-making skills. I hate the idea of only video blogging with the hope of earning money but hating people. I like it when the youtuber is genuinely friendly and acknowledges their followers and all that. I would not want to put people off with my unfriendliness from social anxiety and not responding to comments or messages, or turning off comments. I just do not really know what to do with myself. I am not cut out for this existence. I feel powerless, I am a mess and do not know how to prevent my life from going to sh*t",Depression +11544,"Idk if I have depression or what, I just do not feel like I used to some years ago, when I would talk with friends normally. I loved debating and was always confident of what to say and that what I was saying made sense, now I just feel like whatever I say might be a stupidity, it is becoming hard to understand stuff, I can read something over and over again and my mind will not absorb the information like before, like I am not every reading it. I have zero confidence on myself. I am feeling worthless",Depression +11545,Because I do not have any future plans beyond that. I really hope to die soon.,Suicidal +11546,"going to delete soon, do not want my bf to see this:( Randomly want to cut lol help",Depression +11547,I probably have 3 or 4 months left on this world. I am starting to get really suicidal again. Fuck man. Our healthcare system is fucked. Part of me hopes something or someone will save me but I know it will not happen. How do I live when I cannot get better. Fuck this hurts me inside. Its a very sad day. Ketamine did not work. The end is near.,Suicidal +11548,"Sometimes people answer my posts, sometimes not. there is nothing too special about me, I just wish I would die for most of each passing day. I do not know how to pull myself out of this. I know that if I do not my life will just waste away. I always end up back here",Depression +11549,"I felt so much, that I started to feel nothing and here I am. Yay Idk wht is this",Depression +11550,I just wanted someone to know even if they cannot do anything about it. Not today. But I am so over it. I am going to kill myself and I have nobody to talk to,Suicidal +11551,"I really want to go to therapy do discuss some personal matters, but he does not believe in therapy. Where can I go? What websites can I use? Who can I call? Sahm wants to go to therapy, but husband does not support",Depression +11552,Now I have got your attention i just want to say I am going to die peace out you all I chopped my nipple off and ate it,Suicidal +11553,i wish i had the guts to try it I am fucking trapped all because I am a pussy i wish i was not fucking born,Suicidal +11554,"Well, tomorrows the day. Once I get off work, I am taking my N2 cylinder to the welding shop to get it filled. going to attach the regulator to the cylinder, attach the tubing to the bag and securely put it over my head. Stay calm through the initial minutes of terrifying hallucinations, then bam, Death by asphyxia. Haha. Its not funny but it also is. Just now I was wishing my life would have turned out different. The mods will likely delete this post for stating the methodology used to kill myself. that is fine, sorry mods, did not mean to put it out there like that Tomorrows the day",Suicidal +11555,"I am full of it,life is crap, everyone around me is just a piece of shit, its not post to get any empathy and it definitely not a post for someone to try to convince not to do it. I am going to do it, and I am going to do it tomorrow, I am at a winery hotel rn, so Ill drive my wife of a week home tomorrow morning, will walk my dog, fuck how I love that fucker.. after that Ill drive to my best friends apartment he forgot some of his stuff at the hotels swimming pool.. after this i will go through a local construction materials store, buy some rope I know they sell it .. and just go and hang myself in the park near my apartment building, and the sad thing is I know this for sure and thinking about it for some time. Meet you on the other side my dudes, and I hope your best friend will never fuck your wife on your honeymoon as it happened to me. I am going to do it",Suicidal +11556,"You know its getting bad when you are back on here lol Well, its me again",Suicidal +11557,"Everything I do is an attempt to fail. Even when I do something to occupy myself to stop thinking and being in action, even if it is not an important thing, I fuck it up. that is why I have stopped trying a long time ago. Failure is something I am used to, but since it happens to me all the time, it makes me more furious every time. it is like I am no good in anything. A fucking useless piece of shit. But now that I suck at simple hobbies like repainting a chair. Yo I am done. It makes me so mad. How could I be positive minded if I am a shit in everything. Jesus. I am unhappy doing nothing and I am unhappy doing things because I fail instantly. What is left to do now ? I am a fuckup",Depression +11558,"So basically I was never meant to be born, I was born in the wrong body. Transitioning would be too difficult with all my mental issues but living as a man for the rest of my life is not an option either. So I know I am going to go soon. I have been slowly selling all my belongings so my family does not have to worry about it and I am going to donate my money to a charity and my sister for university. Is it normal to plan like this or do people just commit suicide leaving all their belongings like they would live another day? Planning to die?",Suicidal +11559,"I have had suicidal thoughts multiple times. Sometimes Id even get a little dramatic and put a pair of scissors to my chest and entertain the idea of pulling it in. That was cute back then. In the end, Id end up getting out of it. I am melancholic, and I am sure I do not bring much joy to those around me with this attitude.I did not really have much growing up. Physically abusive mom, emotionally abusive step-mom, long-lost half sister, and a Dad I can barely communicate with because we have a fucking language barrier. Not to mention that were not in the best financial situation.Because of all this, I want to aim high and at least be known and have my story told. I extremely envy those who are content with having a 9-5 because they had a happy and loving childhood. I wish I could be that laid back, but what for?I do not even want to die anymore. I am just tired. I do not want to end things by jumping off or pulling a trigger. I am just tired. I am tired of this bullshit ass life that I am supposedly gifted. I am tired of even writing this post. All I am hoping for is that everything will be good once I am gone. I am just tired",Depression +11560,Hello all. I am writing this to help out a close friend. Me and a Dr. she is seeing suggested she go to an inpatient rehab facility so that she can safely come off the dreaded effexor she was wrongfully prescribed for several yrs. she is tried doin it herself but the stresses of her daily life trigger her very easy to harm herself. She is worried about the financial burden it will put on herself keeping her apartment and the care of 2 teenage daughters while she is out for the 3 months. Are there any individuals she could talk to that can point her in the right direction to use any resources available to her to make her 3 month absence as easy as possible? Thank you Inpatient worries,Suicidal +11561,"I do not want this to sound like a cry for help,But I am STRUGGLING. Since I was about 11 years old I have struggled with depression, officially diagnosed at 14 when I went to the hospital along with a couple other things. I am now 18, and people expect me to know exactly what to do when I have a relapse in depression since I have been in treatment for so long. But I have not the slightest clue what to do now that I feel like I have exhausted all of my coping skills.I told my therapist that I am suicidal, but avoided telling him that I have a plan. My therapist does not listen to me most of the time, and its miserable because he is the only one I can talk to about this shit. My family does not want to hear when I feel down, and shuts down when I am having an anxiety attack. I just want it all to end.I cannot stand feeling the same way every single day. I just want someone to listen",Suicidal +11562,"Why do people have to look down towards others, just because they are not like them. Why cannot I integrate just because I am not like them. Just because I do not smoke, flex with expensive clothes, like sports or try to be in trend with something.I am not into these kind of stuff and prefer more meaningful things. This is why I was always rejected. This is why other people always tried to use me, because they thought I am dumb, just because I am not like them, and that they can outsmart me.I was used by former best friends, my former love interest, my classmates.My former best friends always tried to manipulate me. My former love interest just used me as a ego boost for herself. My classmates just for tests or homework. I did not reply tie any friendship in years. Why",Depression +11563,"I add nothing to the world. I have nothing to offer anyone. All I do is use up resources and make others suffer. I am sure that others will suffer less than if I continue to exist. I do not know what is real and what is not anymore. I cannot even offer myself anything. I cannot trust myself and I cannot trust anyone else. This makes everyone suffer. If I am suffering and everyone else around me is suffering due to my mental illness than this must be selfish. I take and I cannot ever give back. Even when I think I am doing better, I am not. Even if I think I am okay I am just being selfish towards someone else. I am too much of a pussy to kill myself when it comes down to it. So my plan is to walk until I drop. That way, if I get scared and try to change my mind I will likely be too far from anything to do anything other than die. I want to be cremated. I do not want a funeral for me but if it helps the people I leave behind then I hope they can have one. I love my mom. I love my brother and my sister. I love my wife and her entire family. And I am just sorry. Sorry for everything and I hope that they will be able to forgive me for all of this some day so that they may be able to make their pain hurt less. My existence is selfish.",Suicidal +11564,"except family but they only like me out of evolutionary reasons. hormones make them do that, not me lol does it ever hit you you mean literal shit to anyone lmao",Depression +11565,"I already know I do not have much of a direction in life. I always planned on committing to when I was 18 and now that I am just stuck. I am supposed to go to college but I do not really want to and Imnow signed up for classes but unsure of my major. I wanted to move out at 18 too and have someone that wants to be my roommate but I just cannot make myself take up on that opportunity.When I was 16 I had plans and full intentions to kill myself by a certain date, but then my (now ex) partner asked me about 10 days before that. I never told them this but still I based my entire future around that relationship. And I still had suicidal ideation throughout the entire relationship, the only thing that changed was that now I had a tangible reason to not do it right away. I feel like at that point I accepted that I was going to die from suicide, it was just now I was playing the waiting game for the final straw. I know that I still have time and opportunities and I know that I am skilled enough so that if I could push myself do to make something out of myself, I probably could. I just do not want to since I just do not care about living . Plus if you are a bad person and have multiple untreated mental illnesses and trauma should not be okay by a certain point? Its unfair that I am not allowed to give up. When is it okay",Suicidal +11566,"except family but they kind of have to like me for evolutionary reasons I suppose. Hormones made them do that, not me does it ever hit you you mean literal no shit to anyone lmao",Depression +11567,does anyone else have these feelings of worthlessness and suicidal ideation. I am constantly having these thoughts and its getting scary. I do not know what to do anymore.. I feel like I am going crazy negative thoughts,Suicidal +11568,So idk if this is the right place to post this but I need some form of motivation. I have an assignment to submit in about an hour and I am only halfway through. Plus an IA tomorrow that I genuinely have not even prepared for. I missed a few other assignments for a different course and do not feel like going to class as of late. Finals in a week. I just sit around thinking and... nothing. Basically doing nothingAm I going down a bad spiral? I am normally a quite optimistic guy that just let us everything work out by itself. What should I do? Advice needed,Depression +11569,"Just a vent. Starting new medication so I believe that is the trigger to this paralyzing anxiety, as my old coping mechanisms do not seem to be working, like they normally do. Oh well this too shall pass. Anxiety attacks suck",Depression +11570,Everything I do or see just fucking kills me no matter what it is even if I just want to have fun I know no one loves me probably not my family and I just feel like maybe I should kill myself. Everything just tortures me whatever I do or see.,Suicidal +11571,"I got to thinking I should have been aborted, but then i realised i never would have met my best friend i never would have met my brothers and my sister, I never would have been taught how to ride a bike by my neighbours I never would have got to swim never would have seen all the group homes and facilitys where I have formed some of the closest bonds. I never would have got to smoke weed never would have got to smoke a cigarette I remember being broke in jail and that is still better than being in the grave. Even if I go back to jail broke cold and starving I still would not want to kill myself even if I ended up on the street humiliated lonely and hungry I still would not kill myself because there is allways something positive in life whether its smoking a cigarette or talking with your friend there is allways something to live for. I am glad I was born.",Suicidal +11572,"I have become so detached from the world that it feels meaningless, we spend our whole life building somthing for ourself , finding out who we are and for what? Just to die and lose it all, it seems so pointless to live if we die anyway. I have a loving family , friends for the first time in my life and even went on a few dates for the first time in my life yet all I can think about is how we are all going to die. It cripples me. what is the point",Depression +11573,Why does trauma have to always make things worseWhy did I allow it to happenWhy do I have to have flashbacksWhy do I have to sufferWhy do I have to keep losing memoriesWhy do I have to keep having psychotic episodesWhy must anorexia consume meWhy should I even liveWhy do I even existWhy should I even stay aliveWhy am I doing this to myselfWhy do I always have to see bloodWhy does blood make me feel calmWhy am I so obsessed with these bottles of pillsWhy am I attempting on my life Why just why,Suicidal +11574,"I got prescribed to months worth of Lexapro (and to take half a tablet a day) right before my insurance expired (they were trying to get me enough lexapro to last me until I find new insurance). That was two months ago and I have been afraid of taking it since.I smoke weed on the daily because it helps calm my nerves for like 30 minutes so I could work on my writing and get in the zone. However, in the past week I have been incredibly depressed and the upcoming death of my cat I fear will make that 10x worse (it already is).Is it worth taking Lexapro or do you think it will kill my creativity? I can be creative without weed, its just a small jumpstart. I am more scared of losing it to the lexapro but I am also scared of my lack of motivation, energy, and depression. I am trying to work on changing my lifestyle but its been years, and though I had a good 3-week period w/o depression after getting the pills (aka I did not have any anymore) I was back to square one and its been getting worse since. Lexapro - is it worth it?",Depression +11575,I have been going to a professional and taking anti-Ds for a while now. Its been a huge help and I am able to work and get through the day without feeling like heavy and slow. My girlfriend has seen a professional once in her life years ago but stopped. Her mother is against medicine and she does not want to try antidepressants because she does not want to deal with her mother. Were both legal adults. I want to get her help and I honestly feel helpless its putting a strain in our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation with a person they care about? How did you get over that obstacle? How should I go about this? Girlfriend and I are depressed. I am actively trying to get out of depression but she does not want to. How can I help her?,Depression +11576,"His name is 2and900, and 2 nights ago killed himself. His brother confirmed it. Fly high my friend o7 My faveroute youtuber did it :(",Suicidal +11577,Its been so frustrating trying to find mental help. I am going through a divorce and it seems that all the issues I swept under the rug for years in regards to my marriage and my tendency to play dead have all come up to haunt me. I am trying to be a good mother and I have been but anything that is not urgent or does not have to do with my kids I tend to ignore. I was always the primary and only care provider for our boys but I realize that I need help to become whole once and for all. Please help if you can. Help! I need a psychiatrist but seems like they are all booked!,Depression +11578,"this is my first time venting here so if i just wanted to get sumn out my chest,for the past year I have been through my worst phase in terms of mental health. i have lost all my motivation to be productive, even tho I am only at the end of my freshman year at college, I have failed two classes just because i could not bother to even attend online class and i see no return in this. both my parents are straight up dissapointed in me because they see how little i care about school and i cannot even do nothing about it. and even tho i dream big for my future and have that hustling mentality, the amount of shit i can get done is always limitated by my mental health.I have waited so long to get my money up in order to afford therapy and not have to tell my family I am depressed, but even now that i have the resources, I can 'teven book an appointment because public health system does not seem to care about mental health patients in times of pandemic..and everyday i keep getting slower and my mind keeps getting hazzier, maybe because of three years of smoking weed, both my sleeping and eating habits are a mess and my overall behaviour is self destructive (altough i do not physically self harm).i just do not know how to turn my life around and put my sh together because i just feel like I am getting to this big ass dead end bro I am losing my fight with depression",Depression +11579,"After suffering with chronic depression for 7+ years, I recently got the diagnosis Borderline personality disorder.I strongly believe that my abusers made me. They broke young me, remade me and broke me some more. All my traumas add up and they become a person: me.Unbeknownst to them, their actions caused my soon-to-be death.I hope you are happy. They did this to me. Unbeknownst to them, they killed me.",Suicidal +11580,"it is been long enough. I am exhausted tbh, over 2 years of pretending to be happy everyday, putting on a smile, dealing with people, life, school. All of it. I have stuck through it, because there were a couple people who need me. Now nobody does. I have lost everyone, including my Romie, my dog who got taken from me. I have no reasons anymore. I have ran out, i do not see the point in staying I am just too tired, so i have officially given up. All the symptoms have been showing through very visibly for months now, and nobody has cared. I will be seeing a friend tomorrow and my distant family next week. And that will be the last timefuck life 2 weeks. Max",Suicidal +11581,"I no longer know what else to do but write this. I am not even sure what I expect to come of it except for hopefully support and sympathy and trying to see light at the end of this dark tunnel. I will preface this quickly with the fact that I am generally a very happy person, but I feel so defeated I do not know where else to turn. I have been with one woman the past 9 years of my life, and I am only 26. We have an immense story together over all that time, but I think like any person in my position, I thought we were going to last forever. We even share a kiddo together.When I learned she was pregnant, I really started to get my life together. We got married too around this time. I was working whatever jobs I possibly could, and I was always taking the next step forward to provide for my family. After about 2 years, and wanting more out of life, I overextended into a career I was not ready for. I made a few ""mistakes"" in their eyes and they politely asked me to leave. I was really devastated by this because it was a career I had put a lot of time and research into only for it to fall flat. Nevertheless, I pushed forward, and with constant strain from my wife's side of the family, I decided to move my family to my home state with the help of my side of the family. Things were no fairy tale, however. Our living situation was very bad, especially with a kiddo. Again, I started working, and only thanks to my best friend willing to let us stay in his home were we able to salvage the situation. For the first time in our relationship and marriage, my wife got a job with me while my mom watched our kiddo. We worked very hard together, and I cherish those memories a lot. I think due to all of the stress, we both decided to start smoking weed. I think she was 24, and I was 22 at the time. We were a very straight edge couple before then. Anyway, after about 3 months, we were back on our feet, but once we had our own place again and bills to pay, the financial strain started to hit again even with us both working. Mostly because of the long drive to get work and very little hours. I asked our boss for a raise and she said no, despite us working there for 6 months and always going above and beyond what was asked of us while others slacked, slept on the job, and had us covering their messes. We quit promptly, and afraid of losing our situation again, I uttered the words: ""If I have to work fast food, I will."" Well, I ate those words quickly. With no other job prospects in sight, I literally had to work at a fast food restaurant up the street despite all my prior work experience. I hated it at first. My wife and I played a lot of video games together, and in an attempt to better ourselves we started livestreaming. We had mild success together, but it was not enough to pay the bills. The thought of coming home to livestream after my horrid job was the only thing pushing me through. Once again with this job, I would actually run the entire restaurant with maybe just one other person while the managers would sit in the back. I did dishes, cleaned disgusting grease traps over and over, cooked all the food at the highest quality, and trained new members because people would quit left and right. I did this for about 6 months praying that our livestreaming would pay any sort of dividend. Despite the immense effort we had put into building a quality livestream and building a community, we just could not get it off the ground. I started heavily abusing marijuana because I felt so lost, and it made me feel good even when things were not good. I think with being the age I was, and the drug use, I started to experience a severe break in my mental health. Therapy resolved the issues almost entirely, but I did do pretty severe damage to my family as a whole while they carried me through that low point. No meds, no more weed, and I was back on track. Just to add a little more to that last section of the story too, I was really banking on being a popular enough streamer to get by in life. There was not anything else I wanted to do. However, smoking weed did open my mind to the thought of making music. When our streams would end unsuccessfully, I would get high, and stay awake another 4 hours or so into the night and write music even though I had never done such a thing my entire life. The music was pretty bad, but it was entertaining enough to keep me distracted while I tried to escape my struggles. I tried to become a manager at the restaurant, but somebody else always got promoted before me. Even people working there for 2 weeks were on the path to becoming a manager before I was. I did mention a lot that I was more interested in livestreaming or music panning out for me than I was working as a manager, but the thing was that I was literally doing the entire job anyway in hindsight. When I made an actual shot at it, I was told no. We had the worst skeleton crew you could ever imagine. Frustrated, I quit the restaurant, I quit livestreaming, I quit gaming, and actually caught a break getting a new sales job with an unlimited earning potential. I was still writing music as sort of a gag to show my friends and express my creativity. The sales job was a major blessing, but I sucked very bad at it. Every single person told me they were not interested in the product I was supposed to be selling. My sales manager actually commented about never seeing someone quite as bad as me at sales. It hurt me a lot, but I figured it just was not for me despite how much I loved the thrill of talking to people so directly and trying to get them excited about a product. I tried 2 sales jobs, and eventually found a chill job doing security work. I never forgot what I learned from my sales jobs. With all the time to think about my future at my new job, I finally decided to give my music career a real go. I would actually produce music on an old laptop in my car at the worksite. I had worked in almost every industry besides automotive and medical so I really did not know what else to try. This is where it all gets very interesting. My security job was reasonably getting my family by while I did this whole music thing. With the combination of all the things I had learned in the past, music was actually my greatest tool in the end. It helped me sell myself as a person to get the things I wanted. My music never spread the way I saw some others did. Millions of plays, thousands of plays, hell, I was lucky to even get 20 plays. It did not matter. I could show people my songs, socialize, and get everything I really wanted which was to be heard. I cannot express how much life was getting exponentially better day by day. I was so confident that my music was just one good ear away from either going viral or helping me to my next big opportunity. Naturally, with my charisma growing, my marriage getting stronger, and really selling myself as a true rockstar, I was ready to take things to the next level. My wife had discovered her bisexuality over the course of this time since starting to smoke weed. We talked about having experiences with other women, but as I am sure any person knows, it is difficult to swing getting lucky with one person, let alone two at the same time. I saw it as a good challenge, but never expected it to work. After a solid year at my security job, I had produced so much music. I loved every single song so much, and still I was not able to really turn a profit on anything. I did have one song reach 100,000 plays, but it hardly translated into any traction as far as followers or return listeners. To reiterate, I was more focused on how I could use music as a tool to gain the interest of another woman in my life rather than money. I met many different women, had wonderful experiences, but my wife and I really wanted to be with someone the way we were with each other. Long term, committed, etc. Before long, we actually had attracted someone. We talked for about a month, and made things official. We were all dating as a ""triad."" If you could not guess, as a man, living like this was heaven on Earth. I even found a job in this automotive parts factory making great money while I worked on my next huge musical project. Unfortunately, dating like this with all the new emotions really tore me up at times. I experienced a lot of jealousy while I provided on the job side of things while my girlfriend and wife stayed at home. My mental health broke down again for the first time in years, and out of paranoia, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was pissed at me, and did not take being broken up with lightly. I regretted my decision within days, and begged her to come back. She declined over and over. My wife and her kept seeing each other while I worked, and I mostly found it fair just because of the mistakes I had made. I was determined to show my girlfriend that I still loved her and make amends. I leveraged my factory work into an even better factory job making more money and with one of the most solid companies nationwide. I drastically improved myself as a person, and I even found a confidence being ""alone"" like never before. My wife actually missed the 3 of us being together just as much as I did, and then she convinced my ex-girlfriend to give me another chance. To celebrate, I took them on a vacation to a beautiful beach condominium. We all grew closer, and I even decided to try smoking weed again with my ladies after being sober for like 2 years. I had never been so high in my entire life, I was literally shaking and could barely even use the microwave to make myself food. It felt like the most earned vacation of a lifetime even in my own head. I had an extremely pleasant thought that was something like: ""Wow, I am really just a normal guy with nobody coming after me to hurt me being like this. I can just live my life and enjoy this heaven forever."" Our relationships peaked so hard here. I was actually in heaven, with only a little paranoia of my nontraditional dating habits coming back to bite me in some way. Great money, 2 beautiful women, my credit was building to buy a house, and a new album ready to be dropped on the horizons. With my relationships settled, the only thing I was really suffering in was the typical 9-5 work in a factory which had nothing to do with the career I actually wanted: music. With a sizable savings to give my music all the promotion, hard work, and love it really needed, I quit my factory job. I told my ladies, and they were very apprehensive. This is where things take a drastic turn for the worst. Little did I know, my chicks were still actually having some issues regarding the whole relationship. It came in a way I could have least expected. My wife, the person I had been through thick and thin with for 9 years, came out as being fully gay. It makes my stomach turn to even think about how they sat me on the bed to tell me that. I thought I had done something wrong to mess things up, or they were mad about the job, but no. It was something entirely out of my control. My girlfriend looked at me with sorrow because she knew it meant it was over for us too even though we had just fixed things. I wrote the song ""Mistakes Are Lessons"" as the final flex that despite not making a mainstream appearance, I was living the life that every dude on Earth could have dreamed of. The beat came first, but I did not finish the 2nd half of the lyrics until I had been broken up with which is why they are kind of somber sounding. I am now going through a divorce, I am unemployed, and despite searching for a job, I cannot find one. Even if I could, I am almost completely spent as a person. I had a short run going back to school thinking I wanted to be a doctor, but after studying biology, it really just hammered into me more that I need to pursue my passion of music. The only energy I have left to give this world is my music and my story. I am scared writing this because at the moment I have $24 in my bank account. I have never reached such a rock bottom in my life. The hardest, most depressing thought of my life is returning to the typical work grind where I have to hide my real personality. People always made me feel like I had to live and experience things to create great music, so that is what I went and did. I know there is still more experiences to be had, but I feel like I have learned lessons no man my age should know. I have gone from living in heaven to feeling like a slug. I do not know what else to do. Believe it or not, there is so many details I left out of this story I would love to tell, but it is already long enough as is. On a happy note, I ended up in a long distance relationship with an amazing friend that I actually had been telling my life story to for months on end. She did not care about my past, and she was actually the first person to ever describe my music as ""beautiful."" I really do try and make it that way sometimes, and she saw that. I have never loved someone as much as her. All I want out of life at this point is to tell my stories, listen to music, create music, perform music, and still be financially sound. that is really the whole baseline of this story too. I have been chasing financial freedom for years trying different things only to be taken advantage of time and time again. I just do not know if I can do it anymore. Being in this situation makes me feel like a failure as a Dad, a failure as a musician, and a failure as a person. Will I ever be enough? Financial Freedom",Depression +11582,"Any other mother going through depression? How do you all deal with it? I recently started feeling depressed, I feel sad/ lonely and nauseous, I want to cry out of nowhere, I am scared Ill hurt my daughter or it will get worse but i do not have health insurance so I have not seen a doctor which I am also scared of because they will just give medication, what if it gets worse?. Friends and family tell me to get a job so I can get distracted, will that help somehow? Starting to feel depressed",Depression +11583,I am very low functioning right now What helps you get out of bed?,Depression +11584,"I am still young, too young matter fact. Yet I feel completely numb, I feel like things around me happen just for the sake of killing time till I get old. I feel like life consistently finds a way to keep me just alive enough to function in society, while making sure I do not thrive and find personal satisfaction somehow. I am beyond exhausted. But I cannot find a way to break this cycle. Every achievement has brought me some sort of massive setback",Depression +11585,"so I am 14 and right when 2021 started, i moved schools, i was pretty sad mostly because i would not be able to talk to my friends in person and stuff, but i stayed positive. for the first couple days nobody talked to me, and I thought that was normal because it happens often, but they will eventually talk to me right? and so these first days became weeks, then became months, and I have been in this school for 7 months and I have no friends, I have tried to talk to people, which is really fucking hard for me, I am really bad at socializing and talking to people, and whenever i talked to someone, i feel like they just talk to me out of pity, I have just been really sad, my parents do not take it seriously, and i do not really have anyone to talk about this with, I have thought about suicide, I do not think I would ever actually do it, but I think of it alot and I really hate the fact that nobody takes me seriously on this, my mom thinks I am doing it for attention, and my father thinks the same. I think I am just not a good person to be around, and I just felt like saying this to someone. sorry if there are any typos, my country's first language is not english. just felt like saying this to someone",Suicidal +11586,Recently i realized that i am not the person that i think i am and it is hard to admit for me. I am not capable of the things that i thought i am. How do you people overcome this ? It is so fucking hard to swallow man it is so hard to admit that i am not good enough. How do you overcome this ?,Depression +11587,"Depression is just so damn brutal. Add on top being ugly, virgin, extreme social anxiety, lower iq with learning disabilities. Many internal issues. All for what? Why the fk am I suffering when I could just be dead. Seriously there is nothing for me here. People who tell me tRy neW tHiNgs do not get me. The fatigue is beyond awful. I am so scared of death. I hate religion for making me scared of hell. I think very awful things of christians now. I hate this existence. I am so alone , so dead inside and just gone. I am not even here Idk how much longer I can last",Depression +11588,"I am not quite suicidal, but I am not quite okay. I am I am limbo. I lay in bed, trying to sleep and I have so much anxiety about going to work. Numb from depression. My family wants to celebrate Christmas in July, and usually Christmas songs and movies give me that warm fuzzy childhood feeling. I feel void. I lay in bed, I do not want to face the day. I want to sleep. Stay in bed. I think if I die, my problems would go away. But at the same time, I do not want to die. I want to enjoy life. I sink to that level of borderline SI, but then I go back to thinking how I could improve my life.Today, I got a friend request from my cousin. you would think that would cheer me up. No. It made me more depressed and feeling useless. The reason? Three week ago, I sent her a friend request. No reply. No response. I assumed she just does not check her social media often. However, it occurred to me today. If she sent me a friend request, that means she declined my friend request 3 weeks ago. Otherwise, it would have said she accepted my friend request. That means, she must have felt guilty and friended me out of obligation. My own family does not care about me or my life. Her first instinct was to not friend me. I am lost. Any advice? I am in Limbo. Anyone Relate?",Depression +11589,"I have been getting depressed lately due to some issues with work. If you have ever read about administrative burdens increasing physician burnout during COVID times, it is exactly that. I feel like this is a situation where therapy will not help because it does not change the fact that I have been getting screwed by policy changes and other things I have no control over. I will not get into more about the situation here because it is a long, complex, and specific situation. I have tried everything I can to resolve the issue and manage my own attitudes but I know deep down that until the issue that is contributing to my depression is resolved, I will not feel better.I have kind of hinted at my state of mind to several people and they did not seem to pick up on it, but then one guy did and said I need to get help. Is therapy really going to do anything when the underlying because is still there and I think I am already managing the things I do have control over (including my stress levels and the depression) as well as I possibly can? Are there situations where therapy will not help?",Depression +11590,"it is too long for me now. Everything just gets worse and worse. there is nothing in this world i know, but pain, sadness and tears. I just need someone that loves me how I am, someone that does not only criticizes me or says how bad I am and everytime I find a person like this I think I get friend zoned instantly, I mean that does not mean that is bad, but I want a person that lays beside me in my bed and that I can hold tightly and feel safe with. And why can I give so many people good advises, but I can help myselft even a little bit. I think I am just too broken for everything. A long time I could hide my sadness, but now it is hard to not break down in tears every single second I am awake and that is just annoying. And even my friends I can talk about everything, I do not think they want to hear me more crying about myself, so that is why I just stopped talking about my feelings lately. One example is, I met this girl only around 2 months ago and I think i could talk with her about everything that bothers me, but lately I feel like everytime I say to her that I am sad, she just gets annoyed by this and this really breaks my heart, because I really do not want to lose her, I already lost so many people in my life another one would break me completely. I really do not know what I am going to do the next years, I am so afraid that I am doing something really bad to me, because I do not want to disappoint my parents or my friends that I am so weak. I have never showed any of my weaknesses to anyone, but I do not wana do this anymore, I do not want to fake anything about me. I think life and everything around it, is just a cruel and depressing place. I hate it to be single, I just want to be loved, but I really do not think that anyone ever could really love me and this just fcks me up. There is no day in like 2 years now where I do not cry me to sleep. And on top of everything, in the last months everything around me changed and that to fast, I had to let go of long friends, I had to realize a close friend of mine is in deep depressions and so much more and I just cannot process all of it. I tried talking to that girl I mentioned before, but she acts completely different than at the first days I talked to her. She was like she did not tried to give a good advice or to comfort me, she just like said to me that I cannot change it and I should not bother about it, which is not really helpful. I mean I am not mad at her I am just confused and I am too shy to ask her why she is acting so different. I am just such a weak person, like I am not even trying anymore to be strong or sth because it does not matter, I can smile how long i want I public it does not will change anything ever. I do not want to kill myself, but at the same time I do not want to love anymore, I just want to not exist anymore and no one on this entire planet ever remembers me or even knows that I existed. Everytime this girl texts me, I can smile and even when it is only for a few seconds, in this few second I am truly happy and I do not think she knows that, but she probably does not like me the way I like her and that is the reason I do not want to confess my feelings to her, because I know this will just end up in she not texting me or not answering my messages and I think then I am done with everything. This might sounds stupid I know, but she is the first girl I met ever to just like me how I am and not to look a certain way and this feeling is just awesome, I felt like there was some hope for me. And I said to myself before I was texting so much with her, that I am not getting into a state like I am, but I just could not resist, I could not belive how perfect she is and that brought me to the point, where I maybe cannot live without her and that is even more terrifying, because I know on some day I will fuck everything up and Ill completely lose her. I could type so much more, but idk I think that was long enough. Oh btw I am 17 and I know this just could be phase, but like I said I cannot take this anymore and I do not know what to do now. If you are read this, till here i want to thank you. I love it to talk about my feelings and this place is probably the best for it.And yes that was all know thx and bye I think I am done with everything",Suicidal +11591,"My beloved furbaby of 17yo passed yesterday. I have had her since birth, she followed me everywhere, wanted to be by my side for everything and even has moved countries with me. After 24+ hours of crying and feeling everything from anger to waves of sadness to the absolute numbness that normally comes with my depression, it feels like that little band that helped me function has snapped again. I do not want to sound so dramatic that I am like this because I have lost my dog, but God damn it I am like this because I have lost my best friend. I am scrolling through photos and clinging to her collar. My family think I am crazy for reacting like this to a dog's death, and yet I struggle to think of how I will act normal in work on Monday. I have no idea what is bringing me to post this. I just want to say somewhere that I am feeling all of this whirlwind of grief and numbness, it feels like there is a weight on my chest but my chest is hollow. My dog died and the grief is just hard to fight",Depression +11592,Planning to use the helium method from the exit bag dvd I saw. Seem painless enough Planning my suicide,Suicidal +11593,"After I stopped drinking and partying I have pretty much lost all my ""friends"".. I got a girlfriend and started caring more about my health and I lost everybody. I have no job and feel so unmotivated to do anything with my life now. Everything just seems so pointless in life. I have done the military done school and still have no interest in anything. I just do not understand how to change my way of thinking when I have tried so long. How do people do this.. life seems like an endless struggle to get to nothing in the end. 26, lost depressed. No friends.",Depression +11594,"its impossible for me to feel good about who i am, its impossible for me to ever comfortable doing anything or being around anyone, its impossible for me to function as easily as anyone else can, its impossible for me to have confidence in myself or anything, its impossible for me to make any decision no matter how big or small without worrying, its impossible for me to make a decision without regretting it and hating myself, its impossible for me to not feel like people are just testing me or playing mind games with me,its impossible for me to not feel like everyonesecretly hates me,its impossible for me to feel good being alive, its impossible for me to not feel pressured and depressed hearing about the responsibilities and things that come with peoples lives,its impossible for me to not be hyper aware of everything i do and everyone and everything around me,its impossible for me to not feel like I am worthless bc i am not a person that has made a special impact nor anyone elses life better,its impossible for me to feel good about having a life when i remember all the things that made me feel bad, its impossible for me to not feel like crying bc i fail at trying to connect with people and attempting to have a fun life,its impossible for me to not feel like i am just a broken soul being dragged around by other souls through their lives,its impossible for me to not feel like my existence is me just spectating on other people lives because i do not have my own,its impossible for me to not feel like how i feel now is not just going to get even more worse,its impossible for me to be sure if i want to attempt living a happy life because i think about how so many terrible stuff goes on around the world and i sometimes do not want to be apart of a world like this anymore living happily seems impossible",Depression +11595,"I am a lazy piece of shit, no other way of putting it. I fuck myself over a majority of the time, and instead of finding ways to change my habits I blame something else. do not want to do your homework? do not want to stop binge eating? do not want to organize your life? Get a job? Work on not being obese? Etc. Well you have adhd and depression so do not even bother trying to fix your shitty habits. Its the same fucking cycle with me, I always want to complain about something to excuse myself. It ruins my life, I am essentially killing my self slowly. I have no motivation to be somewhat successful, if I want to eat another burger I will, if I want to drink another soda can I will, if I want to jerk off when I have stuff to do I will. Killing my self at this point would be the best option, I am ugly, worthless, and all I do is disappoint my family when they have risked their lives just to get me a better life. All I ever do is the bare minimum and when I do not get constant validation for it I feel down, completely pathetic I know. But will I do shit about it? No. because that is how much of a lazy piece of trash I am, I am willing to ruin my own life because it gives me more comfort and I am fine with it. I am a waste of oxygen, and life. If I killed myself id be doing everyone in my life a favor I am worthless, and have no reason to live",Suicidal +11596,I wish I could kill myself without causing pain to those close to me. What a piece of shit I am for wanting something so bad that would in turn devastate my parents and wife so deeply. Conflicted,Suicidal +11597,i want to keep going but know i should not so i want to talk to someone while i wait for it to stop bleeding so i do not do more just self harmed and want to talk to someone while i wait for the bleeding to stop,Suicidal +11598,"I love cutting myself! Whenever (always) I feel down, like really really down, I cut myself and it kind of numbs the pain... I just do it every day and I cannot imagine ever stopping. I mean I will kill myself soon anyways so why does everyone have such an negative opinion on it? Let me have my joy... [Question/Help] Why does cutting yourself feel so good?! And why does society act as its something bad!",Suicidal +11599,I just lost my boyfriend and best friend in within two days. Its all my fault of course. I literally have nothing to look forward to in life anymore. The rest of summer is going to be hell. After all the vacations are done and before school starts I think I am going to finally end it. I was planning on maybe in the winter but now there is no point in going to school if all I am going to see is all the people I used to be close with. I am not smart or have any skills either so College and having a stable life is out the door. I am done with all this bullshit. At this point there is none.,Suicidal +11600,Just felt that needed to be said. Fuck the assholes,Suicidal +11601,Idk how anyone expects me to get and maintain a job if I am not good at anything? My last job was a DISH WASHER and I still quit. Why does everyone around d me have to pressure me into getting a job when I cannot even be a bottom-tier dishwasher?? I cannot do anything right. I fail at every attempt I make so why bother? I know I am not good. I know I am a disappointment. I know I need a job but I do not want one since I am just going to lose it as soon as I get it. I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to rot away in a ditch maybe I am a lazy piece of shit for it but I do not care anymore. I do not want to be here anymore. I know my feelings do not matter and are not valid but I just at least someone to understand. If not oh well idc I am at my lowest point.,Depression +11602,I am in so much debt. I do not know what to do. I have taken out loans only to lose the money. I cannot tell anyone. The only thing I can think of doing is dying. I want to die. I want to die right this second and leave everyone behind. I have not slept in days. have not eaten. I am worthless. I cannot even look at my wife in her face out of guilt. In debt,Suicidal +11603,"I know EXACTLY what you are thinking right now.""Dude it is just jokes,"" ""Dude you are being so sensitive,"" ""An Xbox lobby, seriously?""Go ahead and laugh at me. I am so sorry that I was physically beaten around and builled all throughout elementary and middle school. I am so sorry that I have actual scars from hurtful shit that gets passed around in Xbox Parties like its casual conversation. FORGIVE ME for not immediatly brushing off your ""jokes"" about rape and constant mocking inquries about me being gay. I am SO sorry that my prior experiences of hurt and pain sparked up such an ""unchill"" reaction. I really must apolgize that my inability to ignore your jokes does not line up with me being a man, because low and behold, I am A MAN. And MEN are supposed to be stone cold statues with no emotion, right?I am going to bed, and honestly I hope I never wake up. I really do not know what to do, I cannot just stand up against three people will can boot me away at a press of a button. they are everywhere I look, I just cannot escape it, and I really want to play with other people in my games.You probably did not even read this, the title alone must have made you laugh. I am sorry that I am not the man society expects me to be. I got verbally abused in an Xbox lobby",Depression +11604,"Life is amusing. The only thing coming to my mind rn is why did I have to be born, why did I have to be born. Tears are streaming down my face as I think about how devastated my family would be. Why did I have to be born, why did I have to be born why why why why why I am crying and laughing",Suicidal +11605,"give me one single genuine valid fucking reason not toits like i know there is none but I am just never going to be able to do it because I am way too much of a pussyi hate this fucking trash idiotic retard ""safety"" mechanism that just automatically assumes you are a normal person with a life worth iti will find the moron that designed this junk no reason not to",Suicidal +11606,"I had just finished a workout where I could not achieve my goal, and I broke down crying, and sobbed in the shower about how I had to go back to school in a month, and I had not lost xyz weight yet. ~3 hours After I calmed, I had an idea to just switch out everyntimg in my fridge with fruit (as if it was the idea of the century) and got so excited I began running laps around the house for no apparent reason. The same happened yesterday, low in the day, High at night when the next day seemed hopeful) I am not looking for a diagnosis, I am seeing a therapist in a few weeks, I just want a push in the right direction. As you can gather its not been a good few years at school. I know I have *something* because i get these states of fogginess, anxiety attacks, one time I felt disassociated with my surroundings ( felt like I had drunk 12 shots of vodka ). I am really confused and just want to feel normal and have a clear head again. Any input? I went from crying on the floor to running laps around my house.",Depression +11607,I work in an urgent care and I got reprimanded. The first one was when I found a woman bleeding on the ground right outside the clinic and I went inside to get help because I could not lift her by myself. I told the PA and everyone pretty much rushed outside except me and one other person because I just got there and had to put my stuff down. But they think I completely ignored the patient and walked by them when I was the one who found her and got help. The reason I did not go with them was because someone had to keep seeing the patients. They were backed up already and there were 5 people already going outside to help her that it would have made no sense for me to go with them. They did not even try to clear things up with me. They just assumed that I did not want to help and told my supervisor which is bullshit. They think I am horrible because of a misunderstanding. And then I messed up by not putting the patient in the bed when putting an IV in. They fainted and started convulsing which could have hurt them badly if they hit their head. I know I screwed up big time and I just cannot get over it. I was going to go part time once school started in fall. But now I think I should just quit. Maybe I just do not belong in health care and its a mistake going to nursing school. that is all I know how to do and I cannot even do things right. Just kill me now before I hurt anyone else My job thinks I am horrible,Depression +11608,One step at a time. Feels wrong but looks like I will have to overcome this feeling since it is logical Decided the method,Suicidal +11609,"I am tired of living. its the endless shit that comes with it, shit parents, shit boyfriends, shit friends, shit income, shit schools. cannot even cry without sending myself into a panic attack that looks like I am seizing. so I am killing myself there is a million reasons for me to live but i do not care life is eternal suffering. I am so tired that i cannot even type why i truly want to kill myself oh well either live and suffer or die happy",Suicidal +11610,Someone would have to clean it up Reason number 1 to not kill myself,Depression +11611,"I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for a couple of years now. I am in the 3rd year of my university have 1 year left. I really do not know what to do after that. I am seriously considering dropping out. I feel I do not know anything, and I am not good at anything. I feel I will never get a job and even if I do, I will suck at it. I do not really like what I study but I also do not have anything else that I like. I have done 2 internships and I sucked at both, and I hated every bit of it.I am supposed to do another internship as a part of my course. And still have not been able to even start applying. Just thinking of the fact that I have to sit for an interview makes me so anxious and I get panic attacks. I do not think I will ever be able to do or have a job. Every time I read a job post I feel I am incompetent. What to write in a cover letter? and what to say? I am not good at anything. Hence, I want to drop out.But if I drop out, then what to do?If I do finish my last year, after that what?Uni is expensive and my parents are paying for it, I really do not want them to pay for 1 more year just for me to do nothing.I Feel Like a loser, I do not have any confidence nor any friends. I am always lonely, sad, and crying. Need some advice.",Depression +11612,"Tomorrow morning I will walk to this view point park to watch one last sunrise. I will have some weed, liquor, couple morphine pills, and my 9. That part is decided and final. But today, I am at a lost with what to do with myself. cannot decide if I want to watch sad shit or happy shit. Listen to depressing music or some of my favorites one last time. Play competitive match based games, newly added content for current games, or replaying parts of games that I have already beaten and adored. cannot decide if I want something extravagant as my last dinner or tried and true greasy fast food like after nights of barhopping. The only thing I have decided is how and when it will end.I will say I wish it was not spent being alone. My family all had a trip to Bellingham planned for this weekend. I was supposed to see my grandma too who I have not seen in 10+ years, but I knew seeing more family might because hesitation in me. They all left today, even took my dog with them. I told them I had other things to take care of first and I would come up Saturday or Sunday to join them. It was damn near impossible to fight and hide my tears when we said our goodbyes, i held each of them a little longer and tighter, little did they know that was our final farewell. Oh well, I guess I will just be shit posting and surfing this reddit thread. How would you spend your last day?",Suicidal +11613,"Just as pretext: I am not looking for support. I am just posting this at 12:30 am to rant/make something maybe relatable.Life is sick as fuck if you think about it. All this shit you can do and achieve. So much to learn and experience. Life however is also very superficial and does not actually provide anyone with anything concrete. What I mean is that everything we do here is trivialized by the fact that we are going to die.Now if we knew for a fact that doing stuff here grants you some benefits for doing all this shit--all of this would maybe make sense. This of course is not the case and we are all doing what we are doing for zero reason.So yes life might sound to many as this cool adventure that everyone needs to experience. Myself though I think everyone should know how irrelevant it is to push themselves so hard, when the reward is more than a huge slap in the face. Life is a cool concept, but it is not executed well",Suicidal +11614,"A little reminder for self, and maybe for you too to take a deep breath do not stop breathing, be alive. Life awaits for you and your adventure",Suicidal +11615,"I just feel tired. Unable to do things. I forced myself to go to the gym in hopes I would find that motivation. I walked on a treadmill for 20 minutes before going back to my car. I just feel like I am dragging myself through the motions. I do not even feel like dying or anything right now. I just feel like sleeping. But I do not want time to keep going by. I want to be in the moment and enjoy every second, but I cannot enjoy it when I am like this. One of those mini depressive days.",Depression +11616,"I am 15(Trans M) and a little over a week ago I came out to my dad that I am trans. Things have been going to h\*ll from here. At this point, I am starting to not feel safe. he is staying ""I still love you and always will but..."", and ""I went through the same thing you are going through, but you are still a girl and...""Recently he is gone through my computer, forced me to give him my password, and put 'safety restrictions' on it as if he could not trust me. I understand that 'he is doing this because he loves me' and stuff like that but after growing up in a very Christian family, I doubt that is the reason, especially after a few conversations about my 'phase'. Either way, I barely even feel loved by him. Some things started after I came out as trans, I do not understand what clicked in him to do this. I feel unsafe and scared about what he might do next.I have barely eaten anything in the past few days because of how anxious I am. I do not have a plan on what I will do if I do happen to run away. I have looked through many runaway helplines, debating if I should text some of them the next time they are at work.At the end of the day, I might just find a strong rope laying around and find somewhere to hang, I am done feeling unsafe around my parents, heck, even the whole world. My anxiety is awful and my parents refuse to get me a therapist. I feel sick, I do not know what I want to do anymore. Thinking about running away",Suicidal +11617,"Ironically enough, this fact has made me feel happy for the first time in years. What a shitty life this has been. 4 weeks left to live",Suicidal +11618,"I fucking hate today, and I just lost it a couple minutes ago. First, I just avoided getting into an accident Becca some fucking asshole mother fucker in a Ford pickup decided that the speed limit did not apply to him, passed me, and caused a car traveling in the other direction to come colds to a complete stop, me to come to a complete stopped, and missed the oncoming car by less than ten feet. I did not even get a chance to catch his license plate number before he disappeared. Then, my mother was watching a news report about the rising cases of COVID numbers and the continuing stubborn ignorance of conservative dickheads who refuse to wear a mask or get the vaccine. Then, I did something my mother asked me to look under her adjustable bed to see if it was plugged in, and it was. Not an easy task when I am not only bloated, but have a hernia onto of that. THEN, she wants to check under the bed for something else, and that is when I lost it. I said that I hope during my transplant operation that I would just pass away. I am sick of having Stage 3 cirrhosis. I am sick of the ignorant mother fuckers who are so blinded by political bullshit that they have lost the basic common sense God gave to the average toadstool. I am sick of reckless, speeding asshole drivers who do not give a flying fuck about anybody else but themselves. I am sick of looking around and seeing our planet going to shit because of stupid political sons of bitches in office denying the obvious, scientific proof that climate change is real. I am tired of the fucking political divisiveness that exists throughout this country. The whole human race is going down the fucking toilet, and no one seems to give a shit. I just lost it",Depression +11619,I cannot take it anymore . I kill myself tonight . I am extremely depressed because nobody will draw me naked .,Suicidal +11620,"People always say how only you are in charge of your life and shit, but that is just objectively not true. You need other people to do things like hire you, befriend you, love you. there is only so much you can do for yourself. I was the youngest child in a homeschooled family with 3 other kids and by the time I popped out, my parents had pretty much stopped caring about what happened. I spent most of my childhood alone or hanging out with the characters I created in my head. All of my sisters and family members are constantly talking about how I ""missed out."" Missed out on the fun things they used to do, missed out on having a dad who gave a shit about me, missed out on most people even giving half a shit. I have been so starved of human love and affection that I recently realized I was in love with one of my characters. How pathetic is that? I am like Lars and the Real Girl but even more cringe. Relationships have never worked out for me, platonically or otherwise. The only friends I can keep around are all hundreds of miles away and if they knew me in person, they would probably leave too. I did everything ""right."" Went to college, got straight As for the almost decade I was there and yet I still cannot get a job that is not a scam, keep any friends around, or find someone who thinks I am worth more than just sex. I think I just grew up being socially fucked from being alone all the time as a kid that there is no coming back from it. I have been praying to gods that I do not believe exist to give me just one thing that will make life worth sticking around for for over a year and there is absolutely nothing for me here on this earth. Every day and every rejection I get from the outside world just pushes me further and further into my head and the paracosm I have created there. I know it is not realistic, but I hope that death brings me there. I see nothing in this life worth living for. What is left? Working slave labor hours to be underpaid and struggle to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of my life until global warming fucks up the earth so bad there are endless wars and famines? what is the point??? I am done.",Suicidal +11621,in my closet using my hangar thing I tryed killing myself with my shirt. I coudnt do it. I stopped myself. I want to die. Fuck instincts I cannot kill myself,Suicidal +11622,"It all just hurts. It really, really, really hurts. I am tired of sobbing every night until eventually I get exhausted and fall asleep. I hate this feeling in my chest. It feels like my heart is trying to tear itself to pieces. I do not know what to do anymore -- all I know is that my feelings are too much for me and this time nobody is coming to save me. I do not want to be here anymore. I wish I was dead. Everything hurts so much",Suicidal +11623,"I have had the same thoughts of guilt, anger, and sadness for a week the third time. it is all I can think about is the same imagery over and over again, my emotions and reaction to it. One morning when I was having breakfast with my mom as I turned 15 in May. I just cried seeing that imagery and my mom asked me what made me sad and what is upsetting me. I was scared to tell her the truth because I was scared that she would view me a different person because of my addiction to porn and would cast me out even though that night she would support me and told me to tell her anything that bothers me but I am scared to talk to her because of the subject matter. I considered doing self harm because of my depression and addiction to porn and the effects that came from it. I am getting a therapist in a couple weeks but I am scared to talk to my therapist about this sorry for rambling I am just typing this hoping it will help. I am still sad",Depression +11624,Like seriously fucccccckkkk I am so stuck. If I quit my job I will hate myself if I stay I will hate myself if I lessen my hours I will hate myself. I might as well jump off a bridge because it is the only thing that will honestly help. In the other situations people will be upset or disappointed with me. I would rather people be sad than hate me Tw: suicide,Suicidal +11625,"Honestly, I feel like shit. I feel like my life is driven by sadness, hate and blind anger. Otherwise I do not feel anything. Otherwise I feel absolutely nothing. I do not care about anything and I do not want to do anything. I found that things I used to love bring me very little to none satisfaction at all. I cannot make decisions on my own. I spend all night long crying until it is morning. And the absolute worst is that I cannot talk about it with anyone. All my friends are normal and do not like all this depression shit. Last time I talked with them about it they said that I do not have depression and I am just a poser. I do not want to talk about it with my parents neither. And my therapist does not really help. I feel like no one understands me. My mom said it is just a stage a few months ago. But is it really just a stage? Is it really just a stage?",Depression +11626,"i guess not, i find it hard to find any redeeming qualities tbh will any woman ever Love me",Depression +11627,"Is it normal to feel physical pain in my chest (and some other parts) when I am very sad and depressed? In these moments/phases it feels like a big, heavy rock or something, sometimes I even feel like I want to throw up to get rid of it. it is weird and makes it harder to calm down/feel better again because it is not just thoughts you can try to push away. Physical unease/pain?",Depression +11628,does anyone have some really good distractions for me to use? my thoughts are too loud and i do not want to relapse. fun games or puzzle games maybe? videogames have always been really good for me but now they are just reminding me how lonely i feel. I am not a super active person and i also cannot focus on one thing for a super long time because of my thoughts. sorry if this is too much but recommendations please i need distractions,Depression +11629,What should i do? can someone talk me out of it I think I am actually going to end up doing it tonight,Suicidal +11630,"i guess not, i do not really have any redeeming qualities will any woman ever Love me",Depression +11631,"I have severe anxiety and OCD, and today I let them get the best of me. I looked through his phone. A huge breach of trust. I hate myself. I hate that I did it. I hate my mind. A lot of me thinks it would be better if I just killed my self so I will not make my emotional problems and baggage other peoples problems. I am on the edge right now wondering who even benefits from my existing. I caused my fianc so much emotional distress, that he relapsed on opiates. I do not think Ill ever be able to forgive myself. Hes been clean going on 8 months.",Suicidal +11632,"I wish I could feel happy for than an hour ata time Things are going so so good for me rn, my grades are super high- I ended the semester with distinctions for both my modulesMy relationship is actually perfect and I am with the person I want to be with forever I honestly cannot thing of a single thing wrong in my life rnSo I should be the happiest I have ever been right? Coz everything is going so good.So why now am I crying myself to sleep every night? Cutting more than I ever have? Thinking about ending my life more than ever?It really sucks to think that no matter how good things get, I am never going to get any happier. So what is the point even trying anymore? what is the point",Depression +11633,"For me, it is when I have time to sit and think about things. What do I want to do, what is missing? it is when I realize how much fun I used to be. And how much fun life used to be. I suppose it is depressing when you begin to realize that the older you get, the less there is to look forward to and diminished excitement increases while your energy levels and motivation sets new lows with each passing week. Nothing helps anymore. Numbers in the bank account, nice things, spare time, excercise, not even time with ""family"". Because something else I realized, I do not know anybody anymore, and now, nobody knows me. Not the real me. there is just this now. This thing that is leftover after society, poor decisions and everyone else has done their thing to me. Poor decisions. Faith in the wrong people. I am starting to think that life itself was a poor decision. I tried before, haphazardly, honestly out of boredom. I was literally so bored and alone that I literally tried suicide because fuck it, why not? Sounded fun at the time. Now, I only enjoy things vicariously through others. Like a ghost. Life has become a spectator sport. And you just watch and wait for the clock to wind down, because there is nothing else of interest to do, or it involves other people, and I do not want to ruin anyone's day or life anymore. there is more but who cares anyway? I could write a book on this shit, but so what? Who would read it? This society's become a dead end for people like me. And now, honestly I do not even care anymore. it is been fun, here and there, I guess. What depresses you the most?",Depression +11634,Thank everyone for being kind to me at one point or anything.I love all of you and cannot express how much gratitude I have. I failed school. I failed family. I have failed my parent I am utterly worthess,Suicidal +11635,"Hello.I think I am in bit of dark place in my life, and I think it shows when I am at work. People do not really care about me, and mainly it is because I do not fit well in the group, and its dynamic. they are just not my kind of people, but I act mostly happy, and I do almost whatever people ask me to do, because that is what good colleagues do, right?But last Sunday we had a talk after work with a couple of beers (I work in a restaurant, so there is booze around), and one of them suggested the girls would rank the boys on looks, and on character, and the boys did do too vice versa. Anyways, I ended dead last of the men on the whole spectrum, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I mean, the question to begin with was cringe-worthy to begin with.Anyways, there is more going on with my life that does not fit well in my life, but I like to keep that private, if you do not mind.Anyways, but how do you hide your depression for others? Are you a great ""actor"", or does it show? What are your tactics/moves/tips?I am not willing to go with antidepressants, because I am going to, it takes your soul away. No offense.I am glad to say I have the best girlfriend I can imagine, and I got great friends, so there is that. But at work it just is not that great (plus the other personal shit I am going through).I am just curious in how you cope with feeling really down, or downright depressed, and how you are successfully showing it to the world like there is nothing going on.I hope I did not annoyed, or insulted, any of you with this question and message. If you are depressed, how well can you hide it from the outside world?",Depression +11636,"And has life gotten better?&#x200B;No. Everything is worse.I had some depressive bouts leading up to 21 over how much I was missing out on things that would make me happy. I had never had a date, let alone a relationship, never drank or went to parties and had wild fun like the other people my age I was too meek and scared of everything and despite constant jobhunting, my age and inexperience only ever got me a part time job cleaning public toilets, which did not help as I already felt gross. I disliked myself quite a lot, as I was overweight, short, unhygienic, unattractive, and I acted goofy, childish, loud and overly sensitive. But I can say that I was a hopeful optimist. I still kind of liked myself; I believed I was a good person with a good mind, worthy of love and acknowledgement, and had dreams of working in my creative talents with my then-friends, falling in love, and generally never wanted much like a ton of money or any unique opportunities, just the average house and family life that everyone tends to get, which has always been my focus. And it seems easy enough for everyone else to get, right?I tried. I mean, I really did try, for a decade. I jobsearched like crazy for years while bouncing around my familys homes, doing unpaid work experience after unpaid work experience just to have enough skills to actually be employable, for something other than needing a friend of a parent to put a good word in for me to even qualify as a toilet cleaner. When my dad said he was moving away to live with his new family he invited me to come, but I was 25 and already felt like a leeching loser, so lived off beans and boiled potatoes just to afford a spare room in a house share enough to be out of his way. I got into being more healthy and lost 55lbs during that time, cleaned up my hygiene and nutrition. It stuck, and I now go months without eating any sugar, learnt to cook well, and exercise every day. I went back to university to meet new people, as all my friends had drifted off in life or abandoned me altogether, and I also still had not had a relationship, so thought it would be a great way to meet likeminded people; adult connections that stick around and are mutual, as opposed to the ones Id made in childhood that had drifted off around 21. It was draining, but I did manage to graduate. Trying to study, work, look after myself and meet people was hard to do all at once because I never really was good at growing up Id had a 4 year agoraphobic stint in my teens that had given me anxiety and really damaged my ability to socialise or develop like a normal person, I have been unable to relax in normal situations or properly approach mandatory experiences of growing up like other people do. I was trying really hard to push through it though. I really did try.And what did I get for trying?I managed to upgrade my part-time minimum wage toilet cleaning job to a part-time minimum wage retail job, and have been stuck there for 5 years. I cannot advance in it because my completely broken social skills and introversion makes me really awful at customer service. And because my degree was creative where employability is based off contacts, privilege and experience, I am still no more employable or liable for better work than I was before university, I just have more debt to pay back. I went to study film, which has always been something I have loved probably the only thing in life I have ever felt *in* love with. After college, which ended when I was 20, I felt a bit like the magic had gone, because I saw behind the curtain which took a bit of the magic away, but was still interested in a career in it. Now after university, at 29, I despise it. I have no interest in working in film. 90% of my hobbies were creative based, and I do not even have any creative ideas anymore. I carried this internal sense of imagination and a case of maladaptive daydreaming with me for so long in my life that it was a huge part of me, but now all creativity is drained and I do not know who to be without it. My head is so out of it, I can barely register and react to things that happen in the *real* world anymore, let alone create complex things in my head. Sometimes I react late to conversations *I am in the middle of.* My cognitive function has crashed and I do not even think I could handle a harder job than retail now. But film was a secondary reason to study, I went to uni to open up socially and actually feel like part of the human race again. And did I? No. I did not have a single date, a single relationship, I did not make a single close friendship or helpful connection, because I am awful and broken and not likeable, interesting or attractive enough for people to want to put effort in for or stick around with anyway. My social skills are actually worse, because my mental health problems and self-image are worse. The idea of love and relationships have always been a huge trigger for my anxiety, probably because I wanted it so much (having a family was basically my biggest life dream), but my self-esteem is so non-existent that my philosophy now is, if I like someone, they are already too good for me. And now its pretty much impossible because I have come to find people so insanely confusing and unrelatable and I have not found anyone that comes close to otherwise in over a decade. At least at 21, I kind of understood the generation I was around, but the world seems so scary and aggravating and confusing now, I do not know how I am supposed to relate to any of the younger people I am around who want to follow each others social media accounts or talk in memes, when I am older and just want to have real conversations. How the fuck do university students manage to get into so many relationships when they just seem to talk about weird shit they saw online and the sesh? I do not understand people anymore, and my odds of finding a new best friend or a relationship have plummeted to non-existent as a result. I have not been really timid and untrying throughout this time either. I genuinely got involved, put myself out there, engaged in conversations despite being a massive introvert, even arranged some days out, started drinking and went to a few parties, and tried my best to be human. But apparently people did not find the attempt good enough. No-one has ever shown an interest in wanting a connection with me. Th biggest change in life I got out of university was getting wasted for the first time, but that has now evolved into me just wanting to drink all the time, despite the fact that drinking only every makes me cry anymore, I still just want to do it every night. I do not because I had an alcoholic mum growing up, and I also still try to tell myself I want to focus on being healthy and nutritional. And especially mental health-wise, people say that stuff helps. But does it? No. that is bullshit. I do not eat anything that is not nutritionally beneficial, I get so many vitamins a day and only eat fresh meat and veg. And yet, I am still tired and sad all the time, and most of my joints and bones constantly crack and hurt. And do I feel better about myself after all the effort and worry I put into reading every food packet, forcing myself out of bed to work out, forcing down disgusting, flavourless meals because I am paranoid about the extra calories sauces and flavouring would add? No. I have developed a massive case of body dysmorphia, I find myself grotesque and I despise myself more than ever. I used to just dislike myself physically and behaviourly but now I do not even think I am human. I used to know I was overweight, but still likeable enough to not die alone. But damn, now I envy the people that get to cut me a wide berth. *I am* stuck with having to be around myself. If I were any of the people I am attracted to, *I* would not want me kissing me or making eye contact during conversation with me either.If getting 50,000 into student debt still cannot get me a relationship or friendship, if focusing and stressing so hard about what I eat and how I live still makes me even more utterly hateful of myself, if creativity was my passion and now my head is so disoriented and depressed that my ability to be creative has completely died for good, then I think I have tried enough. I cannot keep trying and failing. I am pretty sure I am done.I am not an 18 year-old who still has their best years ahead of them. I am 30. I have statistical, experience-based evidence that it does not get any better. I refuse to try for another 30 years and potentially get my first date or my first proper job at the age of 50. At that point, its just not worth it to me, and I know there are going to be some people who say it is who say life begins at 40 - but it is not. For most people, life begins at 16; from there, they make close friends, learn to drive, have wild sexual encounters and spontaneous travel adventures, find a home they feel comfortable in and have the strength and energy to make money to maintain it, and most importantly, they find love with someone who thinks they are worth something. I have done none of those things. But I *promise you,* I have tried.I am a logical person. I am a third of the way through my life, and its been a failure so far. Even if I tried for another third and succeeded, and then got to enjoy the fruits of that success with the last third, that is only a third of my lifespan worth living, and that is not enough of a percentage to make the extended struggle worth it to me. Its easier to just call it a failed attempt and go. I am honestly kind of glad that 30 is coming up and I made that promise to myself. It gives me a pointed reason to show this is not some spontaneous emotional reaction, but a legitimate planned attempt to try and improve things that has not worked out. I honestly have thought about offing myself early, but I guess my dad would like a photo of me at my delayed graduation (because of the restrictions), as he has a photo on his wall of all his kids and stepkids, but none of me, as I have not succeeded in anything. So I guess Ill wait for his benefit? (Before anyone says, I am not close to my dad, or any of my immediate family. Hanging around for their sake is not a legitimate reason. Blood is just a viscous liquid that transports oxygen, vitamins and nutrients around the body, it does not create convenient responsibilities to other peoples lives because that blood shares a similar coded structure). At this point, Id be glad to go. I have had suicidal points in the past but they were always emotional (and I always bear through them alone, having no-one I am close to or I feel really cares for or gets me). I always would not *want* to feel that way, get scared about it, not want to die because I wished my life would be different, and have a breakdown or deafen myself with distractions or something. But now I am genuinely, legitimately out of hope to the point where I am completely numb to it and I am not even upset anymore. Life is what it is. I have no emotion. What would I be sad about? The loving relationship Id miss out on? Its obviously not happening. And what a tragedy it would be to miss scraping by on living in a shithole month to month on an unliveable salary, eh? I guess I am only posting this because I am no longer myself at all - instead of being that bubbly and childish yet worrisome and cautious overly-emotional 21 year-old baby, I am now an untalkative, slow, ill-tempered borderline alcoholic who feels nothing. Id always felt it seemed selfish to pity myself when other people have it worse and I always cared way too much about what people think, but I do not care anymore, and I feel I have earned the right to be selfish and I deserve to have people know that if everyone other normal person can get recognised, respected, valued, wanted or loved to some degree, then I at least tried.I do not expect things to change over the next 6 months, instead of trying anymore I will just spend the time daydreaming about the better life inside my head and getting affairs in order. I am interested to see and hope that I have the bravery to go through with it in 6 months, but this really does feel like a turning moment where I have accepted it. I feel all that fear from when I was 21 has gone and I have the personal skills and the hopelessness to get out of this failed excuse of a lifetime.Sorry this was so long. And hopefully this does not just automatically confirm the idea that things *never* improve for anyone. If you are young and are thinking that, things may work out differently for you - it is a possibility. They just did not for me is all. When I was 21, I made a self-pact that if nothing in life was better by age 30, Id kill myself. I turn 30 in exactly 6 months.",Depression +11637,"I feel like this is the end and this is how it ends. Its just a matter of time. I feel completely hopeless and feel like there is nothing for me and I cannot be a good, non-disappointing friend or family member (or partner, not that that was ever going to happen) to anyone and cannot even take care of myself or finish schoolwork or be responsible. I feel like I am lying to people and lying to myself by saying I am going to be better and everything is going to be okay It really feels like the end rn",Suicidal +11638,"alt account for obvious reasons.I have been suicidal for the past 2-3 years, at first it was very mild but now every day I wake up and look at the mirror the first thing I think of is how I do not want to be here anymore.I just cannot take it anymore, this feeling of loneliness and despair is really getting to me and I honestly do not know why I am making this post, just a rant I guess.I absolutely hate every part of the day, except for one part (will not describe it because it is personal), my friends always make fun of me due to me liking a girl, my voice, looks, and probably more.I really do not think anything is going to get better and honestly, I have some early plans of committing suicide but I do not think that I have the guts to actually do it.that is it thanks for reading. I really did not want to make this post but here I am",Suicidal +11639,I posted just yesterday but honestly I do not feel safe again today. I do not know where else to reach to and this past 24 hours did not sleep and been crying all day. I do not know what to do anymore I just want to end it now I need someone (day 2 lol),Suicidal +11640,"I really do not know where to post this so here I am just before I go into work in the worst mood I have had in months. My family is small, I am the youngest of my siblings and the only male in the family. I get no respect from anyone in the family. When I am hurt my expectations are that I still have to do things on their time. Recently I moved back to night work which has seen my cornucopia of mental disorders take a rapid decent. My insomnia is back, I have staying asleep when I do fall asleep. I get off anywhere from 3am to 7am in the morning. it is okay though I can come do all your housework at 8am. I do not need sleep. I do not want to exist most days, so hey maybe I will get in an accident on the way there from lack of sleep. I am not really sure where I am going with this so for spelling errors and stuff. Later. Family pressure.",Depression +11641,I am tired of life. I am tired of being a disappointment. This is just too hard. I do not fit in this world. I am not good at anything how can an absolute waste of space like me get a job when I am not good at anything. I am tired of everyone concerned with my future when I have no future. I cannot do anything right. I fail at everything I attempt. I am trapped and I do not want to be here anymore. I just want to die and not have to deal with all the bs this shithole has to offer. I cannot take this shit anymore. I cannot do it. I do not want to fight. I do not want to work hard. I do not want to do anything. I just want to drop dead right at this moment.,Suicidal +11642,"Once you have decided that it is only a short matter of time, you achieve a really odd sense of peaceAt this point I am just making and crossing off checklistsSide note why the FUCK is it so difficult to research for a decent method of, uh, auto-termination here is an odd phenomenon:",Suicidal +11643,"I have several people angry or upset with me constantly, and it feels like I cannot do anything right. there is not really anything worth looking forward to. Every day is the same, and I feel worse as days go by. Anything sets me off nowadays. I am always so angry. I am always screwing things up. I have ruined so many relationships with people because of my own impulses and stupidity. God I hate myself Life is not going to get better. Its always been bad. FUCK I do not want to keep fighting. there is no reason to anymore.",Suicidal +11644,that is all I feel anymore. I hate how I look. I hate my personality and social anxiety. 22 years old and do not know what it is like to be loved or give love to someone. I just want someone to hug. I hate my pathetic life and have not enjoyed it for several years now. I want to get gunned down by a machine gun so bad. Pure Anger,Depression +11645,You can check my post there i explained whole story. I am in very bad situation still I feel ashamed to ask for help from parents .,Depression +11646,"today I tried to hang myself. I would been thinking about it for a while. I did not plan it out. I just got up from my desk and grabbed my belt. I do not want to tell my family or friends, my dad is the only one that would care and I do not want to hurt him. everything feels so surreal right now. the belt snapped and I fell. If I were religious I am sure I would think it is some divine intervention. when I opened my eyes and realized I am still here, the only word I could get out was fuck. I do not know what to do now. i tried",Suicidal +11647,"Hi all!I am a 30 yers old,always been healthy involved with lot of activities such music,graffiti and mountain biking....I consider myself a free spirit and I never had any mental issue,but since the beginning of lockdown and restriction I start to become sad,close myself in front of people and lost interest in everything I loved to do before.Is couple of weeks that I am not good mentally I just work and starring at the walls now and I do not feel myself anymore and this freek me out.I have asked for medical help and now I have a psychologist so I guess that with time I will get better.Anyone that had the same experience as me??I would like to share, understand and talking about it as I found it very invalidating situation. Lockdown?",Depression +11648,"I do not even know why I am writing this but i need to get this off my chest. I am 21, about to graduate college with very good grades, already have a decent job where everyone seems vey nice and helpful. I have very loving family, i have friends who i talk to almost every day but still even after everything i have i feel empty. I just do not want to exist anymore.it is not that I am sad but that I just can not imagine myself living. I have not tried anything yet but i do not trust myself. I try to keep myself as distracted as possible to stop thinking about it but the moment I am unoccupied I just start thinking about it. I even imagine what the people around me will be like after i die. I do not know when it started exactly but I have been feeling like this for years. In my first year of college i found myself staring down the stairwell ready to just let gravity do the work, then I had a accident in my 2nd year and the only thing i remember feeling during that was relief. I try to live by bargaining for time with my thoughts. I say to myself let us just try living for a week to watch the new episode of a show or let us just wait for that movie to release, or let us just wait until I have visited that place but it is not working anymore. I try thinking that my mom will be sad, my little brother would miss me or my dad will be hurt, but then i think they will get over it after a few years. I have to die someday let us just get it over with. I do not even know why I am like this. I have not told this to anyone. I tried talking to my mom last week but could not. I do not know what to do. I do not know how long i can stop myself. I do not even know why i want to do this. I have not felt happy in la long while, every time i feel happy the emptiness just comes back after a while. Every night i go to sleep dreading waking up in morning. Even now its almost 3 in the morning and i do not want to sleep even though I am tired. I do not know how much longer i can hold out like this. I do not know why I am writing this, i just want to stop. I want to be happy for once, without the permanent anxiety and fear. I want to wake up feeling happy, i do not want to be empty. I want to love someone, anyone. I want to be happy but i feel like i will never be. Please i do not know wat to do i just want to cry but I cannot even do that now. I want to do something i like but i do not like anything. I do not know what i want anymore. Why do i even exist.",Suicidal +11649,"First off I do not know if this belongs here or if anyone will care whether so here goes nothing...there has not been a day in the past 2 years I did not feel lonely, regardless of the company I am in.I could be having a beer with my best friend and feel like I do not belong, having a nice dinner with my family and feel out of place like none wants me there, being asked to come to the lake, and just feeling like a waste of space.This feeling of loneliness has gone soo far as me no longer seeing a purpose in life, but then again there probably never was one, to begin with.But at least I have felt other emotions from time to time, which apparently is not the case anymore I just feel dread despair and emptiness... I feel like a kid left all alone in a dark room with no exit.I just do not know if I can go on.but to the one person that is going to read this:Goodbye for now I just feel so alone",Suicidal +11650,"Its funny when you are alive no one gives a flying fuck about you. Once you are dead everyone starts giving a fuck bout you. Really hate that shit. I better not you see cry at my funeral and say that you miss me or how wonderful person I am and all that sad shit.Life fucking sucks but I am trying to stay alive because I do not want to miss out on new updates on my favorites mangas and animes, play my favorite games and enjoy my favorite foods. If you do not miss me when I am alive do not miss me when I am dead...",Suicidal +11651,"I noticed that since I began using a very small dose of respiridone to augment my ssri, I have noticed a tremendous difference with how I think. I can actually use logic now and I find its easier to ignore my intrusive thoughts!However I started gaining weight (yes even at a very small dose) and I cannot help but feel a little insecure. I also cannot afford to buy new clothes. I lift weights a couple times a week too. I am wondering if maybe I should try a keto diet to maintain my weight, if its even worth it? Thoughts? Can weight gain from antidepressants be prevented?",Depression +11652,"It was my dream to start study design in college and live in Asia. Depression and inertia completly derailed my life though and I never attended university and failed in most other things in my Life. cannot believe I squandered all my talent and now at 28 it is too late for me. I will never get a visa to live somewhere in asia and I will never leave this miserable metropolis I live in. Why not just kick the bucket and end it? it is clearly hopeless... Fucked up my life beyond repair, now it is too late..",Depression +11653,Ended up coming on to all my mates. They provided the acid that turned out to be nbomb. cannot see a way out. Nobodys talking to me. Had three family members die recently. Fuck my life. Took a bad trip,Suicidal +11654,"This is not a sad thing I have come to realize. I am not sad about not wanting to exist. I am indifferent. I have no desire to participate in life.I care for nothing I do not care about anything.I am on here because I am not sure what to do about it. I wish I could voluntarily donate my body to science so I could contribute to humanity in some way.I am not cut out for this life and nor do I care to be.Apathy is the only thing I feel. My life holds no meaning or value, and I have made peace with that.I wish there was a simple way to go. If there was, Id be gone long ago. I do not have the desire to exist anymore.",Suicidal +11655,"Seriously, Idk if ppl are dumb or if they are too listless to understand others problems. So let us go: being an adult does not solve anyones problems. Do you all really think that being 18+ solves ppls problems ? Plot twist: IT does not! If the person was a difficult kid, a difficult teen, what makes you think that adulthood would bring solutions ? that is pathetic. Ppl like me that grew up in poverty for years are supposed to magically have a nice life after being 18 ? Ppl are too fucking naive. I hate my life and I will always do unless it becomes better. Adulthood does not solve anyones problems. Stop with this shit.",Suicidal +11656,"I would not say I am often just super depressed or in agony, though lately I am pretty damn sad and hopeless. But mostly I am not constantly suffering horribly or anything. But. If life does not work out, if its more effort than what I get in return, I do not want to keep doing it. At my age, its unlikely to change substantially. And sure, it could. And I could expend a lot of emotional energy, time, effort, money, whatever, to try. But more often than not, when I have made myself keep doing that, it has either returned nothing, and I just lost time and money and happiness and confidence, or the bit of positive was not worth the effort. I stumbled onto something (someone actually) that was worth the effort. It was and is pretty new, but in just a few months we connected to the point it became genuine love. She wanted to see me, talk to me, be with me. And I felt the same way about her. And the rest of life felt lighter and more enjoyable because of it, like even those other things felt worth the effort. Something happened that changed her. It was mostly my fault, but I still have a hard time seeing it as something that should have completely changed how she feels about me. We still talk and have been seeing each other occasionally, but its not the same. She does not seem excited at all to see me, or talk to me. We only see each other when I ask to see her. Anything romantic, flirtatious or certainly sexual seems to have stopped. I am still in love with her. Its really hard to let go when I know she wanted me just as much before, and since I am still the same person she loved. And since it took this long in life to meet someone like that, it just is not likely to happen again. If I lose one of the very few things that was worth the effort, I do not know. I just do not want to keep doing this. I cannot leave though, because I have 2 kids I really care about, and they love me, a lot. But Ill just exist for them, just a she will, dead or dying inside but pretending I believe this is all worth it, for their sake. It does not have to be a solution, it can just be a choice.",Suicidal +11657,I mean yes and no depending on the circumstances. Say if you are stressed about life and have some sort of hope left yes but for people who are too far gone extremely depressed then no and usually just makes you more depressed or suicidal. I rang a crisis line a few days ago and they put me on hold so I just overdosed and was taken to hospital. Why put people who are depressed on hold? Very strange. Oh well that is what its like in my country if you are want help from a help line. Help lines do not really help do they.,Suicidal +11658,It shows I have posted but I cannot find my post back here Am I not allowed to post here?,Depression +11659,"I am 21m with no job or experience been job searching for 3-4 months with nothing but embarrassment. I am a virgin who is average looking at best no one cares. But during my school years I am constantly haunted by bad memories of being picked on and bullied. I had to move school because of it. My parents got divorced and i had to go into foster care. Looking back at my bad memories i feel like my height contributed to it, because being a short man your seen as shit. i get ostracised by social groups and i am hardly noticed. I am a quiet guy because of this. Its really shitty for me to try and live when no one even respects me. Ill be working as a slave wage all my life. Depressed midget i am. I am a guy 5ft5 treated the worse way possible by people.",Depression +11660,"I do not want to bore anyone with the details of how it came to this, but two friends of mine turned on me in a truly humiliating and nasty way using something I never actually did as an excuse (they said I fat shamed an actor's girlfriend- I did no such thing, I have struggled with EDs myself, I do not do that shit to other people) several years ago.This was traumatic and frightening, it just cane out of absolutely nowhere. They accused me of manipulating then by saying I felt suicidal, that I was fucking mean and horrible person. Just imagine being flayed alive while people scream insults at you and you get the idea.The only reason I never killed myself at that time was because my mum was recovering from some major surgery, so I moved back home for a bit. But none of this has ever truly gone away. They were able to keep track of my movements, which perplexed me because I blocked every account of theirs I was away of.Tl;Dr one of them had an account I discovered by accident. The one she proudly proclaims herself an MD. A doctor took part in this bullshit. 1I also found out I was not the only one the main/head bully had done this two. that is what motivated me to expose her and warn others......well, that plan failed worse then a second hand condom. Nobody wanted to know. They did not care. She was nice and polite to them, so I must be a liar. It really does feel like fucking high school. Everyone loved the main bully too...until she finally fucked up and they kicked the shit out of her. It just makes me feel I have had enough. The world is cruel, does not give a single shit about any of us. My dad is trying to persuade my mum to kick me out (even though he does not live with us ffs). I have nothing and nowhere to go. it is really feeling like the end of the line.Apologies for incoherence, I took a load of codeine and valium before writing this so it may make no sense. Nobody Cares About The Bullies Who Drove Us Here",Suicidal +11661,"Hi guys. How do you overcome suicidal thoughts? I am in a bad place right now and i want to feel better, i really do. But i just have these impulsive thoughts How to overcome suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +11662,"I just want to get this done with, but do not have the courage to pull it off, of which makes me even more hopeless. See the paradox? It fucking sucks. No courage to go through with it.",Suicidal +11663,"I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD around three years ago, though I would estimate I had struggled with it for much longer. 24 FI had an emotionally abusive father who gaslighted me and emotionally manipulated me into thinking that I am crazy for being upset by his actions and words.After cutting most of my contact with him, only seeing him on rare occasions, I began doing better. I got a degree and am working full time in education. I have a healthy relationship and I am doing alright for myself. I have been going to therapy for three years now and resolved many problems. I do not cut anymore and I do not drink myself into oblivion. Yet, I find myself here tonight. I got a message from him today. He does it occasionally. The other day it was a call to ask why I am so scarce these days. I tell him I am busy with work. When I see a message from him, I do not want to answer. I want anything else in the world but to answer him. I have this overwhelming urge to cut. To escape. Just for a second. Into that crevice in my skin. Into the pain. Away from the world. Into the silence of that moment. When I speak to my Mom and siblings it feels like my feelings are a burden to them. Their attitude resembles: ""Ugh, really? Not this again. Your sadness is an inconvenience to me, so please stop.""I guess I just wanted to share my feelings to someone who will understand and rather say: ""I am sorry that you feel that way, I am sorry that you are in pain."" I am alright... at least, I will be tomorrow. For now, I will drift into sleep and let the darkness consume me and lull me to sleep. Good night reddit. The darkness came to visit tonight",Depression +11664,"The past few days going onto a week I have been having weird and sometimes scary dreams, they are never the same. One was me being trapped in my old school with my bullies and I could not move, another was me being semi-lucid within my dream to the point I could kind of walk but I had no idea where I was, these weird dreams are coming out of nowhere and they are really messing with my depression, if anyone could give me helpful advice, I really need it. Weird/Scary Dreams",Depression +11665,"You will see me achieve and talk and tick items off my to-do list. You will see me laugh and apply concealer and wear outfits that appease the public. You will note me walking at a slower pace to my office in the bitterly cold mornings. You will see me sigh.You will see me buy coffee, many times. You will see me touch my outer thigh, you will see my hand linger and grip the flesh there in a way not dissimilar to a butcher testing the quality of a cut of meat. I will walk to my car, get in, rip off my mask to display an expression that conveyed more emotion with a piece of cotton covering my mouth. I am getting closer and closer every day. I am still too far. But I am getting closer.Soon you will see me gone. Soon you will see me dead. You will see me. You will see me.",Depression +11666,"I was thinking about suicide, I was really depressed, antidepressants was my last choice (honestly I did not even believe it will help). I was so depressed I could not get out of bed. But since I am taking them I feel 80% better. I am not suicidial anymore. My problems did not disappear but I do not care so much anymore, I even feel happy again.If you are really depressed and suicidial please try them, maybe it will help you too. do not lose hope Antidepressants saved my life",Suicidal +11667,"I have been anorexic to the point of nearly dyingTried to hang myselfJumped out of a windowTried therapyQuetiapineFluoxetine....Never going to be enough for my partner who always wants me to change more and more and morsWhats the pointAnother 60 years of this 27, 10 years of mental illness behind me. Another 60 plus to go. what is the point.",Suicidal +11668,"I have been doing a lot lately to fight the depression I have been battling for years and recently I took a long vacation where the entire purpose was to work on my mental health. I started eating healthier, cut back on my drinking I even got outside in nature more and holy shit some craziness started happening. The air felt more airy, the grass looked greener and the birds chirping hit me as a beautiful song and not an annoying sound interrupting my thoughts.I did not stop the good habits but I woke up recently and everything was dull again the same scenery that brought tears to my eyes a few days before looked muted and weak. The fear and the anxiety I had been trying to knock out came back but this time stronger. Now this is normally where I quit fighting. I do not want to quit just those few days of seeing the world with refreshed eyes was a high I could not even describe I do not want to give up on that. But like I said it feels even more intense this time, so I probably have to level up my efforts. For those of you who have been battling and seen major improvements only to get sucker punched when you were least expecting it. How do you get back up and back in the fight? I have been fighting depression and kicking some tail. But its fighting back. Tips for when the monster comes roaring back?",Depression +11669,my family has been taking care of my little brother who has mental health issues and it is been incredibly frustrating and difficult especially these past couple months. does anyone have any resources they would recommend? any good resources for taking care of family members with mental health issues?,Depression +11670,I have been hiding my depression & anxiety from friends & family members for the past 29 years because it started when I was a kid. Apparently I am too good at pretending I am fine because someone just told me that I am lying about my mental illness & then blocked me so I could not defend myself. I wanted to say tell that to my 650mg of antidepressants & xanax plus the mental illness in my family bloodline. It just makes me disappointed that as someone I thought I could confide in who was dealing with it themselves viewed my trauma as invalid. So now apparently I cannot talk about my depression with someone that has depression either? When you have been covering up your depression for decades,Depression +11671,Literally want to die so bad.... I have no friends or any joys. Its been like this for years and hurts so bad. I just want to dissappear from earth.,Suicidal +11672,"Good evening i hope everyone is doing good , i honestly just need an advice if possible .So basically i decided to breakup with my partner who is depressed and suicidal ( pls do not judge me for that) I am really mentally drained and not doing good at all , anyways so just after breaking up he said that he is going to kill himself and similar stuff , he usually guilt trip me whenever we argue or just starts crying but this time it got out of hand and i really do not know what to do anymore . Idk i just need help pls .",Suicidal +11673,"I am really tried and it feels like nobody actually caresi actually tried to talk about it with my friend, but she do not really into it. today i got yelled by my boss she said that I am like the worst employee she ever had. lazy, unmotivated, do not want to do anythingand there is also was my coworkers, who even worse that me, but she was only talking about me. I am really feel like i cannot handle it. i was abused by my parents and now by my boss and i really tired. i do not want to live this live, i do not want to work, i just want piece but everyday proves me that it can be worse i just want to die and that is all i know I am not actually coming suicide but it feels like the only one option right now it stop feel this way to stop feel like there is something missing so i can actually be happy i reallly tired felling like there is something wrong with me and I am also a little bit tipsy and smoking, but it the only one thing that help me finally feel happy I am just really tired",Suicidal +11674,"So my sister just had a baby and I think she might have depression as she cries a lot, so I just want to know what ways there are to help her How to help a person with depression",Depression +11675,"About two months ago I was out of state to visit my friend of 10 years (well say M) and i stayed for 2 weeks. During this time I was fighting with my boyfriend and she was instigating hard along with her mother which then put me in a place to break up with him. We got back together 20 minutes later knowing this is not something that can be done from another state like this, and M being disappointed in me says do not worry, when you break up when you get back you can come stay with us again. this did not sit right with me because she said When. So a week after my trip while I am home she stops responding to me for about a month, then out of nowhere sends a huge paragraph about how my boyfriend is breadcrumbing me and isolating me from my friends. She said this because when she texts me i take a couple hours to respond. M is however notorious for not responding for days weeks or months. Since over a month ago I have not had any connection with her other than the one message. I responded but she still has not. My friend of 4 years (b) I did not usually hang out much but since my relationship was becoming more steady and we were learning to take out time apart I started hanging out with her more often. She lives about 45 minutes from me but i did not mind since i enjoy the ride. Around a month ago my boyfriend had broken up with me and was very shitty about it, i was sure it was going to be the last time. So i went to Bs place for comfort and to calm down. She makes me promise not to get back with him, and her boyfriend who was also my friend gave me a whole lecture on why my boyfriend is a pos. Naturally I went back to my boyfriend (G) anyway. we have broken up plenty but only gave our belongings back twice or so. Our relationship is more dramatic than anything, we know that but to my friends its abusive. I have reason to believe M and B just wanted me to listen to them. To be in control of me. My boyfriend is nothing like how they portray him. However that is the reason they cut me off, was because i took him back. Most people have just given me the advice of hanging out with family instead but everyone knows the difference between a friend and sibling. I do not have a close relationship with them seeing as i do not do well with the brutal honesty and bluntness of their personalities. The conversation will always come down to why I am so full of excuses when they ask about my mental health. Recently I have been spiraling in my depression and i genuinely have nobody to go to other than my boyfriend but your partner cannot help everything. My social life is important to me and watching my boyfriend be harassed and loved by all of his friends makes me feel so pathetic. I decided to start going to the gym alone to help dilute the feelings but it just makes me lonelier that i have no one to talk to. I have always attracted people who take me for granted or want to control me because I am easy or impressionable.I also suffer from PCOS and I am supposed to be getting a diagnoses for bipolar. All of these things are putting me in a position of feeling like id be better off in a psych ward. Not for protection, but so that i will not be a burden on anyone or myself anymore. I have been inpatient before and while its not fun it will make everyone else happy. I lost everyone.",Depression +11676,"I need a reason to continue living. I have the feeling death is the only way for me to find peace; I am ready to go but... Please, can someone give me a good reason why I should not just kill myself right now",Suicidal +11677,I am so drained. I just want peace. I have been praying for peace for three full years. I just want to sleep forever. Tired,Suicidal +11678,"Hi all. Usually I am a lurker but I just felt like posting some thoughts. I am 29/M about to be 30 in October. I feel like I have already lived five lifetimes. I was in the Army for 9 years and now I am in college finishing up my BA living by myself in an apartment. that is just some background. I wake up everyday not wanting to do shit, not wanting to play the game anymore. I go to sleep every night wanting to end it all. I have a way out as I own a gun. The gun is weirdly comforting as it is a constant reminder that at any given time, I have a way off this Rock. I do not knowIm tired. I am always tired. Tired of Playing.",Suicidal +11679,"Who keep us going. I call him my guardian Angel sometimes, because hes the one thing I cannot fathom leaving behind, or hurting. As long as he is here, I think I can stay too. Shoutout to the dogs",Suicidal +11680,"If I go to sleep now, I do not want to wake up anymore. Life feels dragging too much. cannot do anything, cannot get up from the bed. I am tired too much living this life. I wish somebody could relieve me of this life. I do not want to wake up",Depression +11681,Tonight I feel deeply depressed and tired considering suicide due to autoimmune disease that causes physical disfigurement. I wish life would have been different. I wish I would never have born. Autoimmune disease and suicide,Suicidal +11682,Does anyone else ever feel this dreadful feeling of nothing having any point? Is this a sign of depression? Feeling like there is no point,Depression +11683,"hi , my name is Kenzie , I am 14 years old and i live in France . last year , i discovered that i have autism. so here is my story .the first time i got bullied, i was 8 and it was in elementary school . one friend group in the school i was in was humiliating me and they were agressive physically ( they hurted me physically ) the teacher from this school in 4/5th grade was very special. she made fun of me multiple times . was literally bullying me . making fun of my difficulties in maths . when i was 9 , i did a sucide attempt by doing a OD with paracetamol . it was my first time i did something like this to myself. when i entered middle school , it was horrible as well . the 6th grade was my worst school year ever, it is like undescribable. i was and still is a very sensitive person , so of course random people were enjoying that fact . it was like worst that the first time I have got bullied. i could not stop crying and i was feeling so bad and insecure about myself . i never had friends in school , and i still have huge difficulties with making friends . i was always alone and never was in a friend group . last year , i failed my school year because I was rarely at school. it was way too hard for me and it still is , il very stressed about next year. the bullying issues are not stopping and i believe it will never stop . when i learned I am autistic , my principal teacher explained it to the class . and almost all of them like enjoyed that and was calling me retarded and kind of words like theses . now I am going to talk about my family problems , that I have been trough for three months now . my sister , is making fun of my autism , and is rude to me like all the time. my dad is alcoholic and can get very violent and vulgar . my mom , is pretty good with me but not today . i went through a fight with my sister today and my mom defended all what my sister said like making fun of my weight and mental illness. i tried to talk with my mom but she was agressive for no reason . she told me she regrets me . which hurted me a lot and I am still so shocked about it and I am still crying. I am suicidal so I am really scared of what i could do to myself if my family keeps being like that. i really hope someone will understand me and give me some tips . thank you in advance. i really want to be understandable, i feel horrible right now. going through another depression.",Depression +11684,"I have been struggling with constant testicular pain since January. Unreliable doctors have been throwing drugs at me that have offered no relief. One antibiotic caused an allergic reaction that had me bedridden for about a month. One day the urologist says I am completely fine, the next day I am pissing blood. I feel so incredibly alone. Every ambition and hobby I have had has been blown away by this bullshit. Whenever I begin to feel slightly better, some new symptom or issue appears out of thin air. My parents are psychotic and because even more problems. I get that I am lucky enough to be better off than a lot of people. But the pain is keeping me from doing anything I used to enjoy. At 16 years old, chronic health issues are making me want to kill myself.",Suicidal +11685,"I am starting to feel like I am not the type of person who should be in a relationship. Romantic, friendly, any relationship. I am too pathetic. I always pounce at the opportunity to open up about my problems to people, I think I really crave someone who will always be there for me. But it always just ends up making things awkward and burdensome for others. I have no purpose in life. Maybe I should find a hobby or something. But even then. Hobbies would just help me get by day to day. In the grand scheme of things, I have no real purpose in life. I feel like I am just living, waiting to die. I am not extremely passionate towards anything. Ironically the only thing I really value is maybe my relationships with people, but I cannot hold even those together. So I just exist. But existing is getting tiring. I often feel like I want to ram my head into a wall, harder and harder, until I just - pop. I am so emotionally and physically drained from staying up every night just crying. I am so so so so tired. Just an empty rant",Depression +11686,Out of my Zoloft. Running low on my carbamazepine. Terrible withdrawal symptoms. Making me crazy. My emotional/love life is painful. My work life sucks. My family has exploded. do not have the energy to find a doc to prescribe my Zoloft and carbamazepine,Depression +11687,"she is absolutely beautiful, so much smarter and more experienced than me with life in general, I am only funny sometimes and a lot of those times accidentally while she is genuinely hilarious and makes me laugh all the time. I love her so much and I just hope she is happy with me because I do not know, I do not think I am happy with me I feel like my girlfriend deserves better than me",Depression +11688,"My older brother is taller than me at 511~60. My little brother is taller than me at 60. Me? I am only 58.5 (doctors measurement). I know its close to average but I cannot stand being the shortest anymore.I thought I got a hold of my depression and suicidal thoughts by working out and losing 57 lbs, graduating college with a job lined up, eating properly, practicing mindfulness but none of it helps when I see them every day and cannot help thinking about my inferior genes. Why was it me that had to be the shortest? Why was it me that had to be the most dark skinned? Why was it me who got the most health issues? This is a cruel fucking world... I am just glad my sodium nitrite will be here soon. Bye everyone. Goodbye everyone, its been a fun ride",Suicidal +11689,"I have let my depression dig me into a deep financial hole. I am trying to fix it, but i keep having set backs. Every time i get back on my feet or get out the hole a bit something comes along and pushes me deeper. I get its my fault, all of it. But it still hurts. I should have paid my insurance premiums on time, and i would not be facing an uncovered accident on a car I am severely upside down on. I got the car pre pandemic, lost my high paying job and have not been able to recover. My fridge has busted twice leaving me with no food. Bill collectors call me and tell me how irresponsible I am for getting a car i cannot afford, but i could when i got the car. I just want to die, i do not have the energy to fight anymore. I do not see a way out",Depression +11690,"I make posts on Reddit and get tons of replies and it is okay for a few days but then they leave and I am reminded of how lonely I am. I am so needy that I need someone to talk to all throughout the day. I know that people have their own lives and stuff to get done but I feel so unwanted. Like I am so unlikeable that I manage to push everyone away. It does not help that I have the social skills of a rock either.I know what you are going to say, that I am whining and people are dealing with worse and I know that but I just feel so sad right now and I just needed to let it out. I feel like there is a weight in my chest but also like there is nothing there at all. Like I am sad but also not sad. And I do not even have anyone to talk to because every time I bring up my mental health, I end up arguing with my mom. She thinks that happiness is a choice, that I should just reject the depression and it will start to go away. That accepting that I have this problem is just nurturing the sickness so I cannot even talk to her about this.The only friend I have is depressed too so I would not want to burden him. Especially since he is dealing with his own stuff. I feel like an ingrate too because I feel suffocated in our friendship too. it is kind of like having to be a full time therapist. I know that there are people who are constantly sad and he is one of them but sometimes I feel sad and cannot be there for him. I am sorry for rambling, I just needed to let some things out. I feel so alone",Depression +11691,The most lonely thing I have felt as an adult with depression. Trying to reach out to people especially to distract myself from intrusive thoughts about killing myself. No one ever reaches back out. I can walk into a crowd and still feel alone. Sometimes I just want to scream. Sorry if that does not make sense. I am just really sad and numb. The most lonely thing,Suicidal +11692,"I am struggling for 6 years with depression and suicidal thoughts. I always thought that keeping myself at work was the best thing because ""I would be sleeping the entire day if not working"". No! Big mistake!it is my 4th week on sick leave because of the mess I was feeling day after day and you cannot imagine the difference I feel. I am connected to myself. I am even smiling! I feel useful again, even not doing shit the entire day. I needed to sleep and take a nap after waking up. I needed to not think about the annoying coworkers. I needed to go for a bike ride at 2pm on a Wednesday. I needed days in front of TV, eating crap and watching stupid shows. Doing nothing is so needed...People, if you go to work every day feeling like shit, crying during work hours, you should talk to whoever supports you and discuss about taking time off. Be responsible about it, but take advantage if you can do it. I have an office job, which of course makes it easier as I am not my own boss. But we read so much about being at the very bottom in this sub, that I wanted to give a bit of light that we can have better times.I am 100% sure that I will not feel like this forever, I always had ups and downs with my mental health, but I learned some important lessons about myself. Everything that can help me get out of a depressive episode in the future is very welcome. Burn out and depression",Depression +11693,"Hi folks.I am 31 and have had depression since I was 16, tried different antidepressants and currently on one. there is nothing really wrong in my life, I have trauma but does not everyone. I am just so sad and tired like mentally and sometimes physically it is hard to get myself to do anything but I still do stuff, I think I could be called high functioning even though my depression has been moving from mediocre to severe. Sorry if this does not make sense, English is not my first language. I have good days/hours/minutes but after the good moment passes this emptiness and heaviness comes and it feels like it consumes me. I am looking for a therapist but that seems too much sometimes. Most are also too busy to take on new clients.What else is there other than this, this depressed life where I either feel so depressed or wonder if I am just making it up. How do I get out of my head and into my life. How do I do anything like see a friend without dreading it at first because after hanging out, even if I had a great time, I will most likely get sad and beat myself up, ""I am stupid, I did x and that was bad"". I am someone else around a friend and I do not know if I want to be that person 24/7 or never. I wish I had friends I liked always, I do not want to sometimes hate them but sometimes I do. I would never tell them because it is not like they did something horrinly wrong. Most times my hate stems from the friend just saying something that I did not like. And I never tell them that. Just in my head I go I do not want to be friends anymore. But irl I just keep the convo going, smiling, acting like nothing.Everything is like a chore. I just want to enjoy life and be content. I feel so alone and so suffocated. I just wanted to let this out. Will I ever not have depression?",Depression +11694,"My art was the only thing that kept me from killing myself for the last 10 years but now I look at the accumulation of everything I ever created and I want to throw up. Even the pieces I used to look at in admiration and loge I now do not want to look at anymore. I took all of my paintings off the walls and destroyed them or gave them away, I have not created anything in 10 months. I was always suicidal but the only future I was able to see for myself was because I felt like I had talent but now that that is gone I just feel absolutely lost. My disability is worsening without any help or support from doctors and my family does not even see me as disabled or struggling. My bpd is also slowly taking apart every relationship I have and I feel so selfish for not being able to do anything, be there for my people and lovers . I just want to be done, I am so tired. I have been awake for almost 38 hours but my body does not want to get tired, it does not stop. I learned that I will only be able to medically transition and start hrt in 3 years minimum. I am completely unable to see anything that I want or wish for right now there is just nothing, I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything. I am sorry. Dissolution",Suicidal +11695,"I spent from the age of 24 to 45 years old having women be attracted to me. People constantly tell me I am lucky to have had women throw themselves at me my whole life. What they do not know is from age 15 -24, I was so unattractive I was a virgin with no experience. I was depressed beyond belief and on the outside it all turned around that one year at age 24. I met my gorgeous wife, have kids and have a lot of money which I earned myself. I thought eventually my depression would fade, but it never left. Now I am 45 and I drag my self out of bed every morning and put on a brave face. I have never gotten over those early years and now I am resigned to the fact that I will spend my life depressed. My wife tells me she loves me everyday but I cannot bring myself to believe her. I live for my kids now, but when they are out of the house, I am sure Ill get even more depressed. I tried counseling, medication and hypnosis. The only thing that would ever work is a time machine in which I could go back to my youth and not be so traumatized by my own reflection in the mirror because Id tell myself things are going to change. Since that cannot happen, I am screwed. Will I always suffer",Depression +11696,"Speaking of which, I found an old post of someone explaining a pill that causes death by stopping your heart in high doses, I am highly positive that it was a beta-blocker. Looking forward to end my life, I am a big coward at choosing methods since wrist cutting and other stuff are too much for me, using a gun would be better but I do not have access to one, do you know any drug that causes cardiac arrest?Btw this is not a cry for help please refrain from telling me to stop and stuff like that, just help me die in peace I am sick of this What medication causes cardiac arrest?",Suicidal +11697,"I am feeling lately really like taking my life. I am diagnosed with BPD and I just feel like I cannot/do not want to keep living a life where I am forced to live with the actions I sometimes commit due to my trauma induced addled mind. Actions like exploding in uncontrollable rage with those that I love over minor or percieved slights, including, yes, my beloved house animals. I feel like a dirty creature that grew up only observing violence and chaos, and now I am struggling futilely to be anything but that with little to no success. I came accross another post that perfectly describes the feeling inside of me and read it all and did not notice up until the end that it was not actually written by someone with BPD, but rather someone whom was apparently deeply hurt by a former lover that has BPD. I started reading what seemed like a poem written by someone is account of the mental illness and kept reading further to see how they have overcome their struggles only to be met with gut wrenching disappointment at the sentiment that the pwBPD has little to no possibility of bettering themselves, and the story in itself has a terribly unhappy ending. I no longer want to be a source of pain, fear, oppression to those around me. I want to stop it all. And, yes, I most certainly AM in therapy. I am in DBT. I have a therapist, psychiatrist. Medications, just got out of my 14th acute hospitalization about 2 months ago. Been going to therapy since I was 17 and now I am 27. I try. I really really have been. But I still slip. And slipping for me is not just ""being late a lot, lazy, distracted, having depressed days, not keeping up with my exercise/diet etc"" although I do experience that as well, my main slips that make me want to take my life are: I get arrogant, jealous, controlling, I snap and get loud and violent, I temporarily lose empathy and have the incapacity to be conscious about other's perspectives/right to have differing views, etc. I feel like I am a cesspool of toxicity and feel so incredibly alone and ashamed of who/what I am. Link to the post I referenced: Feel like I am Parasitic, Evil, and Unfixable",Suicidal +11698,"Basically I am stuck.To give you the rundown, my home situation is bad. I am 13 (hopefully that does not make people belittle me, I just want to be as clear as possible.) My mother is single (parents divorced when I was born) and she treats me like actual shit. I have had to be my own caretaker for a long time, she is never really been there for me emotionally and sometimes even physically.I have wanted to off myself for awhile, actually. I guess I am just worried about the after part. And it is not like I *want* to feel pain on my way out.Maybe I just do not want a surefire way of ending it because I wanted someone close to me to just.. realize how miserable I am. I kind of want to do it just as a jab at my mother. ""This is your fault."" that is what she would think. Or rather, it is what I would want her to think.It baffles me that I have been able to fly under the radar so long. it is probably selfish to think this way, but I have been living like this for so long and if things do not change I will have to take initiative.Only one person actually cares, and he is someone I know that is online. he is kept me clinging on but I feel bad relying on him all the time. My mother has done nothing to help. I have seen three therapists and she just uses that as ammo against me. My father knows but at my request he did not do anything (I am terrified of being institutionalized and I know that is what my mother would immediately do. I do not think he knows quite what to do himself.)I have ruined myself. I am not sure what to do. With the approach of school, I think about doing it more. But I still have not even devised a plan or anything. I do not know what to do. I feel like the longer I sit in this rut, the better of an idea it seems. Despite the fact that I know it is probably just pointless and stupid. I am kind of on the fence about it.",Suicidal +11699,My mental health has been destroyed for the past 16 years of my life. I grew up always having dreams about what I want to do in the future but I am stuck in a life where I am not allowed to have any control over myself. This kind of pain hurts worse than not being able to control my own life. I cannot wait to turn 18 and recover from the life I am being forced to live or die in the process. I cannot wait for people to give me my fucking freedom forever. I hate being 17,Depression +11700,"As a religious person (my religion is Buddhism), it angers me whenever a person try to express their suicidal thoughts on the other people, and then the other people say you are going to hell if you kill yourself!, or you will reborn as an animal if you kill yourself!, or any kind of so-called Gods punishment for suicidal people. Its just so wrong to say that towards people who just wanted to end their pain. And since God encourage us to love our enemies and pray for those who hate you/hurt you, why should not we do the same for those who commit suicide for whatever reason they have (even if their reasons are terrible, since suicide is suicide)? you are going to hell if you kill yourself!",Suicidal +11701,"The thought of actually no longer existing terrifies me. Just being gone. Not having a presence in the world, not knowing what is happening. I hate thinking about it and it makes me cry. But I see no hope for myself, for my future. One of the things that hurts me the most is thinking about how my family would feel about me killing myself. I do not think any of them would be surprised. I do not keep in contact with any of them except my parents, who have both been terrible to me. But whenever I have seen them over the years, they knew I was not doing good and my situation has never appeared to improve, and it has not. If anything, its worsened. I am unemployed with no experience and virtually no qualifications. I have depression and social anxiety and zero motivation. Petrified of venturing out into the world and putting myself out there. The one silver lining is that I do have some money saved up, I need to do something radical to stop myself from going down this path. Feels like I am destined to commit suicide.",Suicidal +11702,"that is all I got to say. I am 26, little to no friends and distant family, no relationship. I wish there were people who cared at least a bit and checked on me from time to time. If I died, noone would notice for at least a week.",Depression +11703,"Its just like going to sleep. I hope there is nothing after death so I can finally rest. I hate myself, I am a burden on my boyfriend, mom and pets. Its not like anyone here cares, I am not sure why I am even typing this, I am so stupid. I feel like no matter what I do I will never be able to redeem myself for being such a burden on everyone. I feel so bad leaving my cats and dog behind who love me but they are better off with someone who will take better care of them. Planning on overdosing tonight, I think. I just have to clean first to make sure its easier on everyone else. 911 is really slow in my area so I think I will call when I feel like I am slipping away so my boyfriend does not find me. Does anyone care? Is there anyone out there who will ever understand? Everyone just thinks I am lazy but I am so depressed I feel like I can barely move.I just want it to end Suicide tonight, there is no other option",Suicidal +11704,"I have been thinking a lot about writing this or not today. I think I managed to keep my thoughts in their place until it hit.Some time ago a close relative passed away. Me, my mom and my brother lived with her. She was paying for the house and her and my mom where not the richest, but we were okay.Today I overheard my mom speak with my cousin. He said that I could get a job. I have been trying so hard to find a job the past years, for myself, and I have never been employed anywhere because to start working in Italy as a student is so incredibly hard. People look for people with experience, they really do not care about others.I am not scared to get a job. I mean, I have an incredible amount of anxiety, but if it is something necessary, I can manage. I just believe I will not find it. Nothing works for me in terms of getting money.In the same time, I feel like I am losing my friends and I am the only one to hold accountable for this. I am pushing them away. I told myself I would invite them to go out these days of vacation but I did not do anything about it yet. A friend of mine started letting me down every single time we organize something. He was the only one I talked to when I felt like this, but now I do not even know if I can trust him anymore. he is always with his girlfriend, and I understand it and support them because it is a long distance relationship but damn you cannot disappear everytime I need you just because you have to take a 40 minutes train trip to go see your girlfriend. I needed to go out with him today, he said ""well ok, my girlfriend has to go out with friends anyway"". He. Stayed. In her house. He told me he could not come with me anymore and I had NO ONE to go out with.I feel so uninterested in life, people, friends, money. I do not feel like I have a goal and the ones I have look stupid and irrational. I have been thinking about going to a psychologist but it is not like it will magically give me friends and money to survive.My mom's depressed too. She sleeps all day, goes to work, and does not make enough money I think. I see her decaying day after day, she looks so tired and stressed and skinny and I am so scared. I am living for her because I do not want to make her live a completely miserable life. And I am so scared to die. I seriously cannot find the light, I do not know where to start. Please help. Uninterested.",Suicidal +11705,"Hey all, I do not really know if i belong here since I have never been diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but I really do consistently consider how easy it would be to end it all. The only thing that stops me from offing myself is my girlfriend who is depressed, who I cannot leave behind (especially because she is depressed and has trauma.) But i really cannot let myself drift by the wayside and be this sad excuse for a person, its really affecting me.If you all need more info then just lemme know, I am just trying to figure this out. Hey everyone:",Suicidal +11706,"I do not want to live anymore. I am struggling in my graduation, which will probably lead to a failure future. I do not have friends, really no one whom I could talk. And my mom is the worst part; she has her dreams and want to enforce them into me. Its been since I was a kid, hers dreams became tortures to me. And now, almost 22, she retorned trying to fit me in on of hers dreams again. I am writing this in my internship, and intend to jump on a car on my way back. I do not know if I will have the courage, but I do not want to live this nightmare anymore. Bad english I known Adjkk",Depression +11707,Climate change is here and we will die so why the fuck shoul I live Hi,Suicidal +11708,"My depression is ruining other people's lives at this point and I have no idea where to start getting better because it seems like I have tried everything. what is personally helped you to manage or improve your depression or anxiety? Anything, even if it seems silly is welcome. what is helped you to manage your depression?",Depression +11709,I think about killing myself a lot in the middle of the grocery store because society and everyone blames me for everything. it is not my fault I do not have a job and if anyone says it is then I am going to walk in there up to the hiring person and threaten to kill myself if they do not give me a part time job where I do not have to deal with people. I will have a knife held up to my throat and I will stand there all day and night. Quit blaming me for everything and saying it is my fault or I WILL kill myself,Suicidal +11710,"I came onto this subreddit so long ago, and here I am again. I am about to be a second year undergraduate student, currently taking summer classes, and I am practically failing. In my fall and winter semesters, I did great, 3.93 GPA and was planning on focusing solely on my organic chemistry classes throughout the summer. But before summer classes began, I took a job working in a hospital, since I am hoping to apply to med school and be a doctor at the end of my undergrad. The job was a 3 day a week, 12 hour night shift, and it fucked with my grades so hard. My job began at the same exact time as I started Organic Chemistry 1, and needless to say, I did horrible. My first exam, I got a 40%, and it only got worse from there. The class is known to be hard and the grading scale is generous, but I did so bad, and barely had the time to learn any concepts. I got home from work so exhausted that I did not want to do any studying, just sleep. I decided to quit my job before Organic Chemistry 2 started, and while I am glad I am no longer at the job, a problem that I did not foresee is currently happening. I really did not learn that much in Organic Chemistry 1, and Organic Chemistry 2 THRIVES on info from that class. I feel so lost in the class right now, and we have an exam on monday. I have been studying the past 2 days and so far, I feel like I have not learned a fucking thing. there is so much that I should already be expected to know, but I do not because of how poorly I did in OChem 1. Like I am so angry at myself, and I am going to do even worse this time around. I feel so stupid, and its actually important that I do well in these science classes. I get so demotivated whenever I join the online lectures because I never feel like I am understanding a thing that they are saying. there is so many vocabularic terms that I have never heard of because I barely got through the OChem 1. I am so sad about this whole situation, and colleges are going to see how much I struggled. I have already been so sure that I am not going to get into med school, but this is just making it worse. I have been studying for 2 hours and it is just been pure confusion. I am so upset right now, and I am seriously considering s\*\*\*\*\*\*. I know you are going to think that this is a stupid reason to consider such an act, but in a household that prioritizes grades over everything, with 3 successful sisters who are making so much money as dentists, I feel like I will never amount to anything as close to them. And they expect me to be even better than them. I feel so stupid, so lazy, and so good for nothing. Scared",Suicidal +11711,i feel like my time is coming to an end honestlygetting closer and closer time is up,Suicidal +11712,"When ever I get this hypothetical question I cannot decide. Because 10 years ago; a younger me without depression existed. Some of my happiest memories took place, my friendships were deeper , and I had considerably less stress in my life. But I cannot help but wonder that if I go back to before I got severe depression would I be able to go back to that time and enjoy it; or would I still have my current depression( because I know what is coming). As much has Id love to go back in time and make better decisions; go to college early, be more honest with the people closest to me, take more pictures, have more fun, be a better person, and do considerably better in school, going back that far would change who I am now. I would have never met my current partner; never experienced the last year ( the same way). And if I had to go back and live through the happiest years of my life with severe depression, it would hurt me a lot. If you could go back to 10-20 years into the past with all the knowledge you had now : would you?",Depression +11713,"Physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel like I am going to puke. My head hurts from being sad and angry, and I rather just kill myself right now I feel sick and terrible",Depression +11714,I am always lonely. My brothers do not want to do anything with me. I get yelled at all the time. I just want to cut my wrist and call it a day. They never want to do anything with me. Its like I am a ghost to them and I am tired of being one. I want them to have fun with me and play together but they are always playing by them self with there friends. I cannot hang out with my dad because he is in prison. I just cannot keep going on like this. I am to lonely...,Suicidal +11715,"Met a girl and we both fell madly in love, the love we had I have never experienced before. Everything seemed so perfect. Then I caught her loaning her car out to her ex, then she rented a garage for him to store his stuff at our apartment complex. I finally put a stop to it all. We moved and tings were fine.!I would eventually ask her hand in marriage and she said yes. Covid happened and we got pregnant and ever since the arrival of our son she has completely pushed me away. She acknowledges it and we have talked about it a great length. She will not even let me parent because she is obsessed with our son. I love my family to death but I feel like what we once had is gone. There is nothing that I can seem to do to make her happy. I parent our son when she works, I clean the house make the bed and wipe down the counters I even vacuum and do laundry and once every other week I deep clean. I work 3rds she works 1st. I parent him all day sleep for about 3-4 hours work come home repeat. I write her personal heart felts letters, I write her poems and I do things spontaneously for her and it does not seem to matter. I have begged for us to get a sitter so we can go out and she refuses to leave our son with anyone. I have major depressive disorder with ocd and ptsd with hypersensitivity anxiety disorder. I am constantly triggered and for the most part all I do is cry. I thought she was the one and since our son came I feel I have been replaced. I have no family or friends but she does. I am drowning and I do not know how much longer I can hang on. The only thing that matters I feel has been taken away from me and that includes my son and his mom. I feel like I am a roommate and my heart is broken. I am not happy and I cannot live like this anymore. Major depressive order is wining the fight!",Depression +11716,"Since last summer I am in a spiral of losing myself. I am currently ""working"" on my master thesis in architecture together with my girlfriend, who also lives with me. Since the beginning I started to have this episodes where I am completely overwhelmed and then I unable to do anything anymore, believe in anything or feel anything. First I hoped that this will just go away if we push through but it became worse and worse. I reached out for help, I am seeing a therapist, visited my doctor who gave me citalopram and I am taking 10mg since 4 days. So I am working on getting better but I started to ask myself: Am I really depressed or am I just procrastinating at an absurd level? I mean I am weeping daily because of our thesis and I just do not see me working on or even finishing it. I have better days but as soon as it gets harder I just crumble. Am I just so lazy that I put myself in this misery so I do not have to work? I will also talk to my therapist but she is in holidays now.. And it would help me to hear if anyone of you had this feeling of: Am I just faking it? Am I faking my depression?",Depression +11717,All my friends are getting married and starting families and I just genuinely do not want to be here. With everything going on I simply cannot see the beauty in this world. I am extremely pessimistic and I try not to be but this world is just so ugly to me. Does anyone else feel this way? what is wrong with me?,Suicidal +11718,"I have been working hard for the past year, then I got hit with a bad case of depression this past week and I am currently in a position where I might lose my current job at Walmart for calling out too much. Basically I have spent the entire week in my room getting high and playing games and masturbating. I feel so guilty and lazy right now. My mom is worried about me because she knows how I get when I get like this. I only have 4K in my account, which could last me a few months if I only dip into it to pay my bills. I am in such a deep rut, and I do not know how to get out of it. Like, if it was only anxiety and sadness I could push myself to get out of the room but I feel tired and fatigued, and when I get to work my brain fog gets 10x worse and I cannot interact with people properly. Makes me wonder if I have something else other than depression because when I get like this I barely speak to my own family. God this is so bad My life took a dark turn this week.",Depression +11719,How do you deal with emotional pain? I do not have much family to talk to and I am trying to raise 3 kids with a abusive wife but she will enact revenge on me if I divorce. I am a great father and live my kids more then myself. I want to move on mentally but I do feel like I am clingy and cannot let people go who hurt me.l want to say I can be alone because I enjoy it greatly but i do not want to be alone? Any thoughts? I also been reading message boards my whole life but never posted so never felt like I got my emotions all the way out. I just bottle them inside How do you deal with Emotional Pain? I am tired and exhausted,Depression +11720,"i have my own share of depressive episodes periodically, and somedays, like right now, I fight every, single, day to keep it at bay. my best friend is going through a terrible depressive episode, and honestly I have forgotten how to even be there someone. i just have lost so many parts of me, I do not know anymore. everyone, anyone reading this, please tell me, what really helps? how can I be there for them? it hurts to see them hurting, but I do not know what to do. what works for you, as people who hurt too? how do you help? I know it is different for everyone, but i just want to feel like I can be there for someone, or at least try. how to be there for someone?",Depression +11721,"why is it seen as bad if i want to take my own life? i do not see what importance i make being alive not being happy, i just do not want to be here and am becoming more and more emotionally unstable. i just do not want to be here anymore but do not want to leave without word or explanation why",Suicidal +11722,"So, I deal with anxiety, some depression, and have a lot of trouble with change. I am very good at hiding it, though. I am currently working two jobs, one in my field which will not, unfortunately, turn into full time, and one in retail to fill out my free time and pay the bills. I make ends meet, put 10% into 401K and save some too. The problem is that I am being pushed to'find a better job.' One that is full time. The idea of the unknown and Change scares me to death. I know that there are jobs out there, but with COVID, any new job means I am the first one on the chopping block if things change or get worse. Then what?To make matters worse, my parents are constantly telling me about things that I 'should apply for.'. Not that they completely understand my credentials and what jobs match me. I just cannot get it to stop. Yes, I would like a single full time job, but the pushing is really getting to me. Any push back against my family results in them making me feel bad, like I am doing something wrong. they are good at that. Depression, anxiety and over helpful family",Depression +11723,"I officially started over. I cut my hair for the first time in two years, (it was around my nipples, I am a guy) went out and bought a pair of shoes I liked. Anhedonia is still very severe and I still do not get any pleasure from doing almost anything (sexual or not) but I have faith in it getting better this time. I actually will not leave, I will just switch sides. I will try to talk people into living, not talk people out of suicide. Thank you so much to everybody who helped me get out of this situation. Alot of people in this sub talked me out of it many times. I love you all. Cya guys. I will miss you.",Suicidal +11724,I have always struggled with loving myself. there is times in my relationship where i think maybe I am not ready for this because not knowing your worth puts a lot of weight on you. i like him very much n i feel like i put him through too much. is it wrong that I am with him while trying to work on myself as well ? is it bad that I am in a relationship while struggling with self worth?,Depression +11725,Okay I took 10 20mg fluoxetine and now I am regretting doing so because I really do not want to go hospital will I be able to sleep it off? Or will I die. Please someone help me as I really cannot go to the hospital so any advice on how to stop the effects will help. Thank you I took 10 20mg fluoxetine/Prozac and now regretting it.,Suicidal +11726,"I have struggled with depression for almost 20 years. Now it feels different. It feels stronger, it feels darker. I can see my reflection in the mirror but I do not know who I am. Who was I before? Am I even any different? Sleep used to be my escape from myself but my dreams are vivid and awful now. The anxiety has crept into my unconscious. I am alone inside of myself. I have been taking lamictal for 15 years and recently I have gone without them for a few weeks due to unfortunate circumstances. I know I am experiencing withdrawal from them. My mind is foggy and distracted. I cannot concentrate on even a television show I enjoy. The things that used to soothe me are no longer working. Every day is the same as the last in my mind. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes...but I cannot seem to let go of them. My therapist has me confused and scared about what could be wrong with me mentally. I have broken up with a very close friend because they accused me of being selfish and toxic. Maybe I am. But I am just trying to survive. I do not want to die. I just want to be okay. I cannot work. My finances are being taken care of by my 60 year old mother who works overtime to support me through this. I am forever grateful for her sacrifice. The shame of not being able to support myself as an adult is weighing heavy on my self worth and esteem. I am in a very dark place and I am afraid. Sometimes I lay in bed and think about all the people in the world and how a lot of them feel lost or scared or just empty like me. How can I be on this planet with so many people and feel completely isolated. My friends love me. My family loves me. My boyfriend loves me. I know this. But it does not cure me. I am my own enemy. My mind is a prison and I silently scream internally every day. how is that for dramatic? I cannot find the words to express myself",Depression +11727,In the last 3/4 years it was been difficult for me to be comfortable in a group of people because I am always the person with few friends and one of the few without having a relationship with someone. This thing started to affect me mentally because in high school I was barely invited to my friends parties and group activities without any reason and in college I had some bad moments with my colleagues that made change of course (but I was not feeling well in that course too). Then I had a crush in a girl but she did not want anything with me and never gave me attention to me while I was trying to be friendly with her. There were times I felt a completely incompetent and very depressed because I never felt what was being loved by someone and being included in a group of friends that wanted to do something with me. My social life is making me feel depressed,Depression +11728,All this time I feel as if I did not want it to go away or Id lose a part of me. Or I did not care enough about myself to change. I have had high functioning depression for 8 years now,Depression +11729,"I do not think I am actively suicidal in this moment. If i really wanted to die right now i could just go to the river and jump off the bridge, but i guess my true preferred method would be to just shoot myself in the head.I have watched a lot of videos in the past of people killing theirselves and it mostly looks horribly painful. I cannot imagine the weight of my own gravity pulling me down only from the neck; were i to hang myself by jumping, eliminating the chance of pulling myself back up, chances are i would be decapitated if not unraveled from a mediocre try at tying the damn thing. And trains? Fuck that. Jesus.A gun though. If i could just get my hands on a loaded gun. I do not let myself. I still have to update my address on my drivers license, I have thought about going to a range but that would just be unfortunate for everyone else there.I live alone. So if i had a gun, even if its for protection, at some point i would probably do it. I would text my neighbor hey, I am really sorry, but i need you to call the police for me and tell them to come over. there is nothing you could have done, I am already dead. But thanks for always having been such a wonderful neighbor. Tell them the key is under the doormat.I have so many letters in mind to so many people. So many saying the same things. Sorry. Not your fault. Etc.But now I am going off on a tangent. I will not do it because i still have my family. My parents live nearby and my brothers away for college and i know how it would affect them.But i guess what i was hoping that someone could answer is which would be more lethal or at least because unconsciousness quicker: handgun shot through the temple or through the roof of mouth?Like i said, I am not going to do it. I know how it would affect those in my life. I do think about them. But i would just like to know.Sometimes it looks so quick, they drop instantly. But other times, you hear their groans even after. Its haunting.Thanks I figure this might be the only place to speak without getting deleted or sent away but well see",Suicidal +11730,"All these years of fighting like hell to make it through, meant nothing after all. I literally mean nothing to anyone and my life does not have any value and never did. My abusers were right and specially she was right all along. If I was to disappear rn the world would still keep going like I never was born. I was a mistake after all. Nothing matters and noone fking cares no matter how I try every single day. Noone cares. Noone will ever. that is the harsh reality and it hurts. It damn hurts more than anything to feel that to ur bones and have reminders of it even when you need someone the most and you are one step before ending it all and you realize you are alone like always in an empty room just you ur miserable life and endless pain. The pain will last forever indeed . Why do I even try anymore? Why?? I am better off dead Nothing matters anymore idk why I am even writing this. Life is so fragile that is all",Suicidal +11731,i fucking hate myself sooo much I am a terrible person and i mess everything up and i wish everything could just stop,Depression +11732,"ihave no energy left.iam fucking lonely butican't interact with people. not even online. it is so fucking hard to talk to people.it became so hard to think properly. when people ask me anythingihave such hard time to even process what they asked.even wheniwasn't depressediwas lonely.inever found anyone with same interests or hobbies. no one to have fun with.ialways wanted to change,ipushed myself to listen to musicidon't like and watch moviesifound boring just soican bemore like everyone else.ilost my sense of self. i do not know what i like anymore.ihave no personality. no dreams. no friends.iwatchyoutubeand daydream. iwant to kill myself and beforgotten. i have no energy to talk to people, not even online",Suicidal +11733,"I want to be prescribed a med that will take the edge off and make me less nervous and anxious, and will also take depression away. Simultaneously, I also want to take something that will make it harder to laugh. One thing I always do frequently is laugh when I am bored or want to feel happy. But since I live up under my parents, one of my parents are starting to feel like my laughter is annoying. It is not uncontrollable laughter, but it is noticed by one of them and they feel my wanting to laugh is annoying. I want to tell the doctor that I laugh without him thinking I am manic.. I do not want him to send me to some other thing I have to pay for because he thinks it is manic laughter. But I do want to be able to convince him that I need an anti depressent/anti anxiety med that will make laughing something that is harder to do. What should I tell the doctor?",Depression +11734,My dad and his girlfriend think I am stupid. I am trying to transfer colleges and they think its a bad idea because they do not think I can handle it and some reason they think I do not want to go to school anymore. I worked so hard this past year to get out of the deep depression I was in for years and all of a sudden I am back in it. I cannot just drop everything and go to a hospital because I am a manager at work at a place that I love but I still do not have enough money to move out yet for another like three years it really sucks and I just want to give up so bad. I was clean since January from trying now I am 0 day,Suicidal +11735,"I am very familiar with the feeling of emptiness. I was pretty much born into it. Though I wonder how many have felt the more niche sides of it.&#x200B;Anyone who has felt it is almost certain to have felt a sort of loss of identity or a loss of self, a loss of drive, motivation, or dreams. It seems rather common to feel alienated or isolated. Sometimes willingly isolated to protect everyone else around you.&#x200B;But it goes deeper than that, does not it. In my experience, it is like my brain and me are two seperate beings. Waging this eternal war against one another. it is like I was never truly the one behind the wheel, like someone else was steering my body.&#x200B;And when someone comes to close, no matter how much I consciously know that they care, my mind always turns to wanting to cur that off. Because I will screw it up eventually. I always do.&#x200B;Even going through therapy, that emptiness makes you keenly aware of the fact that inside that office is different from the outside world. Whether it be because they are being paid to do this or because the rules they play by do not seem to match up with reality, or because they truly believe that someone needs their help, specifically and on a personal level. &#x200B;it is like the rest of the world exists outside myself. Like I have my own little cave where I am stuck with this monster inside me. I look outside and I see how beautiful life is for them. But it is something I could never do. Like I am not quite human.&#x200B;There are a lot of lies the emptiness makes you believe. It all seems so real because there are facts behind it, like you know that person just does not like you at all. Or that your presence does not matter, like you cannot impact even your own basic surroundings. it is just an endless battle just to keep things tidy and inevitably it begins to become void of purpose. It can even happen with your body. it is so much to consider and do and keep track of so you just do the minimal amount possible to survive. &#x200B;it is all of these things and the desire to want more from this existence. You know it hurts, you know it sucks, you know you are alone. You wish so badly you could change it, sometimes so badly that there only seems to be one way out. Anyone who has felt this knows what that only way out is.&#x200B;it is the memories, the flashbacks, the damage inside. This sense that I will never be whole. Like I will never be human. It digs deep and makes everything a worst case scenario. Do they know I am empty inside? Surely they do because everyone seems to just avoid me. Like nobody sees me and those who do purposefully go out of their way to stay away from me because they can see how sick I am. it is like an aura, a neon sign that says ""I am a monster"". So people just tend to stay away.&#x200B;And your brain is taking in all of this information and putting it all through these very specific filters and everything just becomes dull. No matter how aware you become of it, it does not feel like there is anything you can do to stop it. It just goes on it is own.&#x200B;There are more personal aspects of it but this has been my experience with it. I guess I just felt like sharing because I saw that little survey floating around and maybe others have it stuck in their mind too. &#x200B;But I will say, I have not given up hope. I am still trying and I actually made a friend recently who actually sees me. It brings a faint smile to my face that I have not shown in a very long time. Tracking Emptiness",Depression +11736,"I do not have a group of friends i can trust neither i can trust my family. I cannot share anything with anyone because guess what, they will just make fun of me and push me down more. I have friends that just talk when they need something or if they want to make fun of me to satisfy their ego and make themselves feel better. I have family that makes fun of me no matter what i do or how i do. Everyone is just trying to point out flaws in me. Everybody needs me for something and that is not me, they just need favors and want to bully me till i break. No one anymore is actually a person i could call my friend. Everytime i just try to make my life a bit better, 10 other people just come and tell me that I will fail and i cannot do anything because I am useless. I just had 1 good friend in my life that i could actually call a friend and we shared everything but now she is gone and i could not save her. I could share a lot of things with my father but now he is gone and i could not save him. I am beginning to believe everyone, maybe i am useless, maybe i will not be able to do anything ever.I am no longer a human, i am just a robot with no feelings that everyone uses whenever they like and then starts bullying me. I do not even feel pain anymore, i have been broken so many times. I try not to hate myself but everyone around me constantly reminds me why i should hate myself",Depression +11737,I lied to to person I claimed to love. I talked to other girls on dating apps and almost did things I never should have even thought of. And then even after I stopped I just hid it because I did not want her to know. I did not want her to see and I did not let her know I did any of that. She asked me and I chose to lie about details instead of just coming clean from the start. I am trying to be honest and show her everything now but I know I cannot erase what I have done sent or the thoughts I had or the lies I made. I was selfish and stupid and yet I still claim to love this person more than anything and I know that does not mean much now. Its my fault all I have are excuses and I just want to fix everything but I do not know if that will be enough. I do love this girl. I hate that I did not have that stop me before. I hurt myself immediately after thinking it would help punish me but it was me being selfish looking for a cheap way out ig. Same thing with me almost killing myself. Its not going to make anything better. I just do not want to make her hurt anymore. I cannot handle her hurting and yes I know that sounds stupid after what I have done. She did not deserve that. I am guilty,Suicidal +11738,"Its all I feel lately. About everything. Myself. My life.My job. My looks. My weight. My jealousy. Fucking everything. Every day I wake up, immediately seething at the thought of slogging through another worthless day. I have always had a short temper, but lately every single minor inconvenience sends me into an absolute blind rage. I want to break things. I want to destroy anything in my immediate vicinity just to quell my immense anger. I cannot fucking stand it anymore. I cannot even sleep right now because of how angry I am. How did my life get to this point? What happened to the innocent, wacky goof of a kid I was? What happened to my family. I used to love them. I cannot feel love anymore. I do not love anymore. I remember waking up on a Christmas Day, my mom, dad and sister all gathered around the tree. My dad was always the last to wake up. I could not ever really sleep back then. I remember staying by the tree all night, shaking the presents, trying to figure out what It was. Sometimes I would scratch a little bit of the wrapping off of the bottom of the present, then peek inside to try and see what it was. I am sorry mom. Sorry for being an ungrateful, worthless piece of fucking shit, ever since I was a kid. I am sorry you bore me. Pure Hatred.",Suicidal +11739,**solo queria decirles que me he decidido hacerlo pienso suicidarme ya que no aguanto esto mas deseme suerte ya se como deseo morir ire por lo necesario tengan lindo dia y si por si acaso no me funciona hablare por aqui :D** buenas gente,Suicidal +11740,"This has been stuck in my mind for the past days. Nothing will get better, and I am tired of pretending that everything is okay or will be okay, or that the future will be better. Both the past and the present had already proved that I am just not for this life; what is stopping me? Absolutely nothing. Above all, I am just tired of being tired.",Suicidal +11741,"My home could not be anything further than an environment I am happy to live in. Sadly majority of my siblings have now moved out and the pressure is constantly on me to do things in and out of the house. Since 2016 I have felt depressed but its getting to the point where I do not want to be here anymore. I say it to myself every time but what is the point of living if you are living for someone else... well that is how it feels I feel like I am constantly slaving for my certain members of my family, having to worry about what they want to eat for dinner and helping them with their clothes washing etc. Its so draining and I have tried to explain this to my Mom but she just puts up with it and does not care about how I feel. I am sick and tired of having to do this every day. I just want to get out but sadly feel like the only way is through marriage. Its affecting my health quite badly, I have become unfit and out of shape as I never get to look after myself and I am in my early 20s. I have been so strong for a lot of years but I am getting to the point where I feel like if you are in this much pain every day then what is the point anymore? Can anyone point me in the right direction or give me some guidance on what to do.. I also graduated recently and can do a masters maybe moving away would do me some good. Your home is your sanctuary",Suicidal +11742,"i really want to kill myself, but if i fail again i CANNOT go back to a psych ward. my time there was horrible. nurses thought i was over reacting at every little thing, even though i only complained about one thing, the time when another patient legit told me to kill myself after finding out i did not believe in god. she literally followed me around the floor telling me id go to hell, ect. but the nurses (even though they heard) did not do jack shit about it. i had to call someone on the outside to call my doctor to get me transferred because the doctors and nurses did not see the issue before hand. i cannot go back i want to kill myself but if i fail",Suicidal +11743,"I always been a loner, it rarely bother meSince the last year I have been looking to start a romantic relationship, but fail time and time againI know they are another reason why things just do not work out, but I am losing a lot of confidence on myselfIts frustrating, and now everything reminds me how lonely I amMovies, music, my family. All makes me feel that I have never find reciprocal love I spend most of my time in my room and i do not have a lot of friends, so my feelings have gotten worse I go to therapy, but my next appointment its on Saturday and right now I am feeling awful, so maybe some good advise and words might helpThank you for reading *I am not a native speaker, I hope my message is understandable* I am afraid how lonely i am",Depression +11744,"I am passively suicidal, but I am worrying that if I tell that I will be taken to psychiatric hospital How should I tell my psychiatrist that I have suicidal thoughts?",Depression +11745,"what is wrong with you ?can he tell ur not okay from ur messages?ur not ready.he does not care about you .hold your tears in.why do you try so hard? do not cry.stop stressing. you are fine remember.hes going to leave you. he loves you , i think.why cannot you just make conversation. stop being so tired. things my head tells me:",Depression +11746,"I do not know. I cared really deeply about someone and tried my very best to treat them as best as I could but then they started to completely ignore me and shut me out, which hurt me immensely. Their hostile indifference towards me confuses me and I have felt so guilty and pondered what I could have done wrong. They still remain really happy with their friends and are a successful person as a result of being a friendly, considerate, determined person while I got hurt very deeply and am suffering from trying to do the right and mature things. I tried my best to be kind and good friend and I got hurt so badly and have been in such a pit for 2 months so far. My grades dropped, my disposition is gloomy, and I lack any motivation and things have lost their pleasure. People tell me to move on and that I cannot let it impact me but it does not feel like a choice. I do not want it to, but it does impact me still. I have done things for myself to try to move on, but I am still hurting. I do not understand how I could try my best to be good and get hurt, while they did not act the mostmature or kindly and still remain happy and content and successful in their life. They are a really good person who treats their friends very well so it feels awful to be treated like this knowing that they treat everyone else so much better despite all that I did for them. If you read this, thank you. I do not know what to do. Hurt.",Depression +11747,Hey guys I do not normally do not write stuff ever. Basically I have been suicidal since I was like idk 5 and now I am 18. I have probably been suicidal in the back of my mind 60% of the time since then and super suicidal like 40% of the time. Nobody rly knows I am depressed to the level I am. A few of my closer friends know I am on anti depressants but that is about it. I would not appear depressed to the average person. I try and be super positive like I do rlly nice things for homeless people not just donate stuff like actually sit down and talk and make them feel human. I have a great heart I just idk. I am tired. Lots of people would say I am really pretty and self hatred aside I am above average for sure. The only reason I have not killed myself is because I am scared of pain and/or surviving and living a worse life than usual. I have big dreams and would love to live life I just would rather be dead to be honest. I work hard I have 2 jobs my own apartment and my grades in high school were good. I just cannot shake this feeling. I think I just felt so alone for so long and hated on myself in my head so fuckint hard for so long it permanently messed up my brain. I love but also hate myself. I either look In the mirror and take a bunch of cute pics or if I can even get myself to look in the mirror Ill feel nauseous and feel like I am shutting down and then disassociate and think of ways to kill myself. I do not even know why I am writing this now I guess just to see if anyone relates. I think it bothers me that people do not take my depression seriously because I am pretty and nice . Not sure. Thanks for listening you all Idk,Suicidal +11748,"Hi, this is kind of new to me but I figured I would look for advice from anyone in a similar situation. I have been with my partner now for a long time and we have a strong and loving relationship. During this time, I have become quite close with his family, especially my mother-in-law. Recently, my brother-in-law has started to date a new girl and we get along very well! However, I have found myself in a bit of an episode and unfortunately, I am really struggling with how everyone else interacts with her. For example, I feel as though my mother-in-law has started to pick favorites, based on the jokes she has made. However, the rational side of my brain is telling me that that is not the case. Any suggestions on how I get over this or how to feel more secure in my relationships? Not the favorite",Depression +11749,Last resting place. Goodbye ya. did not think it wil make me sleepy this fast. And thank you. Sleeping,Suicidal +11750,"I am just so tired. there is nothing I want anymore, nothing to look forward to, no happiness, no dreams. Everything is dead within me. I have felt similarly for the past 15 years or so, but at least as a child/teen I still held on to some kind of hope... Now there is nothing. I used to wish I could be happy upon growing up, but the years have only brought me more pain.I do not belong to this world, I do not know why God sent me down here to suffer. The only reasons I made it to 23 are my dogs; I would not rest in peace knowing I left them alone, in the hands of my torturers to be mistreated/neglected. I have considered many times to just take them with me and jump off the nearest bridge, so we can all finally be free.I do not even want to be happy anymore, I just want to rest forever. To be gone once and for all, for my world to end. I do not care if there is an afterlife or there is not.The only reason I am typing this out, is because I want at least someone to know I was here and that I felt like this. there is no one in my life who cares, no one who would ""lose me"" if I died; I would just be a gone girl, one among many others who walk or walked on this earth. Just like now, the world will keep spinning. there is nothing anymore",Suicidal +11751,"I just turned 25 this Monday, and I kind of wanted to end myself on that day for a few months now. did not do it. Now, I am still around, still miserable, still missing my ex, hating my living situation, and being uninspired. But I am also 25, and if I am not going to die, then I am going to regret living the way I am. This is a miserable existence that I do not know how to handle. I already left a message for my family, just in case, but the natural human instinct will not let me take myself out. This is pain. The longer you live in misery, the more you suffer and want to end it. Alternatively, if you are not going to end yourself, you are wasting life while being miserable. Existential dread is destroying me.",Suicidal +11752,"My long term partner broke up with me a few months ago but we still live together and I thought I was handling things well but our housing contract is about to end, were going our separate ways and I am contemplating suicide seriously. I do not know who to speak to or what to do I just want to die. Nothing means anything anymore. I feel so worthless. I have completely supported the other person move on from breaking up with me but not processed any of it myself. We have only been together 5 years but they were my entire universe and I was not expecting it. I have invested so much and genuinely thought it would last forever and believed them when they told me it would.I have been stupidly hoping things would resolve because we started having sex again and acting like a couple but they no longer care about me. They have totally moved on. They told me today they did not care if I lived or died from coronavirus as long as I did not give it to them. I want to go to the river near my house and just fall into it forever. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to live. Other people deserve my resources on this planet I am fucking done. I just do not want my family to be upset but I am sure they will understand that I just was never at peace in this world. Its over",Suicidal +11753,"So first off I am a piece of shit human being. I have never been in trouble or been in jail but I am not a good person. My family excommunicated me. I do not have any friends except one and he is unable to help me. I fucked off my twenties (33 now) did not apply myself dripped out of college at 26/27. Lived with my Dad till he passed in Jan 2019. He was my best friend/confidant would call him everyday if I was out of town for work. A week after he died I was fired. So I took my dog Suka, sold everything I could and went out on the road. Ended up in Oregon. While surrounded by natural beauty and people who genuinely wanted to know me I just could not as I was in another dimension emotionally. Asjed for help form my Godmother in Arkansas. That was a mistake. Was literally asked by her (a social worker btw) if I was a retarded.... So because I have fucked over my family so many times nobody believes that I want/working on to be better. Back on the road.Ended up in Tulsa. Worked at a call center. Call center helps me get a place. Pandemic happens. Stuck in apartment being yelled at by people on a constant basis. I quit my job. Lose apartment. Asked for help from a cousin. Cousin has a roommate with three other dogs. Said roommate is a veteran. During a family get together with cousin in law coming back from deployment, the dogs get in a fight. Veteran roommate tackles my dog (old Shepard Husky mix) and less than a month later I had to have him out down. So in the last two and half years I lost two of my best friends. I lost everything. I live out of my truck once again. I have reached out to people but it is been a no go from them. One of them is still thinking about it but it is most likely going to be a no. I keep being told that I am worthy of a happy life. But everytime I work towards that the rug is pulled. Or I do something very stupid like quit a job. I am not worthy. The talents I thought I had have dried up. The relationships I thought I had have dried up. My patience has dried up. I am just screaming in a void. I do not have anywhere to go. I have nothing and I feel like nothing. No spouse no kids no dog no life. What am I doing here? I will not call the hotline. I do not want to be incarcerated. Because I am already living in a self made prison. I just cannot do this anymore. I do not want to this anymore. There is no hope for me. Right now I am just trying to decide between the revolver or the shotgun at this point. But I will probably do another self sabotage before it all ends. cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +11754,"My main issue as an HSP is that life is always extremely overwhelming, I can never fully relax and make good decisions because of stress, and I just suck up on every tiny bit of negativity around me. it is so frustrating and I feel like whatever I try only have temporary results. I might have cPTSD though, so that does not make it any easier either... I feel like I am the most sensitive person on the planet and that no one is on my level...Does anyone here feel similar? Would love to have anyone to relate to... Are there any HSPs (Highly sensitive person) here? How do you cope with depression?",Depression +11755,"Everyone has their own lives and it is dumb of me to expect people to remember when they have said they will do something for me....but is it really that bad of me to expect people to remember me? I asked my roommate last week if he would drive me to a biopsy I had this morning, and he had come back super late the night before and was asleep when I needed him. My sister who has been helping me with my car payments had said she would be able to help me with the payment today, and we even talked about it yesterday and still, she forgot. I hate being a burden and I hate asking for help, so even ASKING these things of them is so fucking hard in the first place....having to remind them is even worse. I ended up just driving myself to my biopsy because I did not want to bother my roommate by asking him if it was still OK. I do not want to bother my sister about the money even though the payment will bounce and I will be charged an extra 100 in late fees because of it. Its literally so humiliating asking for help, especially when it comes to money, and reminding people that they said they would help is even worse. I really think I would just be better off letting the cancer take its course so I do not have to bother anyone anymore. I really really REALLY hate this. I wish people remembered me",Depression +11756,I have not tried them. I do not like the idea of needing pills to be happy my whole life. Why do not some of you guys try antidepressants?,Depression +11757,"I just want to start by saying, that no matter what your occupation, being depressed is **hard**. *But*, I am curious to know if others in healthcare who struggle with depression, and even suicidal ideation, does it make it even harder? Sometimes I get to the point where I literally think I do not want this anymore. I do not want to do this anymore. and I have had family tell me maybe I need to go to the ER. But I know what its like to be a person who is suicidal in the ER. I know what its like to be a depressed/suicidal person on a psych ward; and the thought of me having to go and be there myself? It terrifies me. I know it would not help me. The answer to all of the behavior health/psych consults will always be simple & cut and dry. **I do not want to live, I do not want to be here, I feel stuck and I feel like I do not belong.** there is never going to be a magical cure for that. Being a healthcare worker with depression.",Depression +11758,"I have always felt I was a ugly guy, or at least when I was 10 or 11 I started thinking about looks and hating mine. I am recently being told in therapy that my self image needs real work. I thought most people hated the way they look. Turns out everyone dosent like something is about themselves true but hating every thing about you enough to get angry and upset at pictures and reflections is not normal. So I tried the mirror bullshit of saying you are attractive myself but I couldng get it out. I was like Jim Carey in Liar Liar where he cannot say something hes knows is not true. I have been trying posting and allowing pictures of myself and even when I get compliments I cannot believe them. I will probably delete the one I put up not long ago. I thought I could handle putting up the pic but now I feel ugly and stupid and like it got to go. Trying to not feel ugly, and failing miserably.",Depression +11759,"Seriously, it is like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me. I wish I was at least average looking so I could have a chance. I do not know why I am so goddamm repulsive looking. I do not even care about sex. I just want someone from the opposite gender to give me some form of attention. I just want a fkn hug man. Instead I am just going to be humiliated for the rest of my life and feel like shit until the day I die. I do not hate women. I am not an incel. I am just frustrated with this shit. I cannot take much more of this. When the time is right I am going to erase my shitty existence and be done with this suffering for good. Why did I have to be cursed with bad genetics?",Suicidal +11760,"I do not fk know what I will type at this point but i rewrote my notes from last december end deleted some names and parts dedecated to my ""friends"". I tried to talk but got ignored and made fun of so I turned to alcohol as my confort. Friends that I used to vent to just ignored me for a couple of months and it became to much. This does not make much sense but I wanted to say something but I just cannot for some reason anyway I am going to leave it so yeahUhm Bye Just wrote my notes again",Depression +11761,I am useless at everything and adulthood scares me I give up,Depression +11762,"1) My brother got drunk, broke my foot and told me he does not believe me about my sexual abuse and also told me to get it over with and kill myself (when I am letting him live rent and bill free)2) My dad told me to fuck off because he walked in to the house I pay for and immediately started attacking me verbally and was incredibly angry very quickly3) My Nana told me today, knowing I am bulimic and have massive self image issues, that I have put on weightWhy did I move away from my friends for this So I moved to be closer to family",Depression +11763,"i have no idea how to stop constantly thinking about every little thing to myself, especially when I was desperately ready to kill myself. I am not as suicidal as I used to be but I have not had much of an escape to release some of my feelings. recently I have been developing moments very often where I would understand there is something wrong with me but **not understand** what it was that bothering me and making me feel that way. its honestly a terrible reminder and makes me feel like I am digging myself a hole back to where I was rescued from in a way and I am sick of it. its hard to stop thinking to yourself all the time.",Suicidal +11764,"I am just struggling and its getting harder every day. I have gotten so much better recently and then I got my heartbroken like I have never really felt before. I am also a mom so I think I am struggling with adjusting to life with a toddler and a newborn while going through post partum depression too. Its been really hard to deal with my daughters tantrums, which are absolutely terrible today when I cannot stop crying and just feel empty. I feel like I cannot do this anymore and I just want to give up. I do not really have anyone to talk to about this and needed to get it off my chest. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +11765,"20M, below average height, lost all my hair so I am bald, grew up poor and still am, still a virgin, never had a gf, not white so I do not fit Eurocentric beauty standards for conventional attractiveness. Here are my findings: general, bald men are considered less attractive than men with hair across the board is a pretty big deal it seems, and the only remedy that can make up for it is money, for a 56 man to be rated equally to a 6ft man, he must make on average $175k/yr more due to Eurocentric beauty standards, whites are generally rated as more attractive than blacks and other poc, and vice versa in addition, general attractiveness correlates with higher incomes, as better looking people typically can get jobs and such more easily than no attractive people as society has reinforced the notion that beauty=value=wealthSo basically if you are short, bald, nonwhite and poor like myself you seem to be screwed, the numbers and data do not lie. I refuse to play this twisted game any longer and be treated like a second class human for the rest of my life, I would rather die. Besides I have nothing left to live for, no SO no family, no nothing, and $0 to my name as of now, my car is broken so I am unable to go to work anymore, and I have bills due soon. I am tired of this fucked up society and this shitty little world.Right now my only belongings of value are my gun, my guitar, and my watch, I refuse to give them up just to survive in this shifty world because they are the only things I have left and took pride in during my shitty little existence. I have a yogurt left in the fridge, I am going to play some guitar, listen to music, and eat my yogurt then commit suicide with my gun tonight, I do not have any desire to prolong my suffering any longerfuck this world Based on my findings, death is the only escape",Suicidal +11766,"Hi everyone, I wanted to write this to see whether or not people feel the same or whether or not I am going crazy. Basically, I am a 26 year old male and I am feeling bogged down by life and quite miserable. To give some background, I still live at home with parents, I have a fairly decent job, a girlfriend and a small group of close friends however over the past few years I have been struggling to feel content with life. I live in the uk and from a young age I have always craved adventure and living a exciting life. During my late teens and early 20s I have lived abroad, travelled the south east, been on multiple holidays but there is something I cannot quite put my finger on as to why I feel unhappy with life at the moment.Over the past few years transitioning from being a happy go lucky university student to then entering the real world has been a real struggle for me. The area I live has very little work opportunities and is known to be a less desirable part of the UK to live in. I feel that everyone does the same predictable routine of, working a job they hate Monday - Friday and then drink heavily on a weekend to numb the pain and then repeat (myself included). I really feel I am growing out of the uks drinking culture and want to completely change my lifestyle.I just feel that there has to be more to life than this. The majority of people I know are looking to get their first house/ engagement and to settle down but the thought of settling for this existence really scares me. I feel guilty for feeling this way, like I should be grateful that I have been dealt a fairly comfortable life. A week holiday once a year, an ok wage, food in the fridge and a caring family but I cannot help feeling that there has got to be more to life than this. I crave community, travel, adventure, good relationships, passion, excitement. But at the moment I feel dull and like the energy has been sucked out of me through joining the 9-5 rat race and falling into the trap that everyone does.I suppose the reason for writing this was to understand whether it is normal to feel like this?Is this just what growing up is all about? If anyone had any tips on how to change this mindset of these circumstances?Is it unrealistic to think life can be exciting all of the time?Thanks for reading and I would be grateful if anyone had any tips or pointers or even just to find if anyone is in the same boat! Feeling lost at 26",Depression +11767,"I am not seeing any point to waking up anymore.At 31 years old, I feel like I should have died years ago.I cannot keep dumping my life away for debt tokens, and if you do not like that sort of life, there is no alternative.I am tired of the facad of suicide prevention. Who thinks 10min on the phone with someone who is paid to talk to you will help. I need friends, but I cannot make any. I am angry all the time and cannot express it. I am disgusted by how little this world and system force us into unnatural spaces, to do unnatural things, for unnatural amounts of time.If the rulers of this world could lobotomize everyone, they would. I want to break things, I want to smash my head into concrete until my brains are leaking out, like they want us to do.I do not know how, but I am ending it this weekend. I have never been so motivated to die than right now. Not Wanted",Suicidal +11768,"I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and self harm ever since I was 11 years old. I am going to turn 18 in two months and nothing seems to have changed, only that now I am required to actually make decisions for my future. And even if I do, I know for a fact that my mental illness will always keep holding me back, it does not matter where I am or what I am doing, I have just never been good enough for anything so its better I get over with it as soon as I can. I have convinced my parents to let me take a gap year by rejecting all offers from universities I had gotten into this year on the pretext that I have better options Id rather go to. In reality, I just need more time to plan out how I am going to attempt it and make sure I do not fail. I am sure I am not making it past this year",Suicidal +11769,I bust my ass day in and day out for my wife and kids. Bills never end. Food is always needed. Car repairs are random. Now since she is been put on best rest bc of a high risk pregnancy an is bed ridden I have had to take multiple days off of work. Bc of that I was fired. So guess what that means. More late bills. No food and no repairs. I am sick of this shit. I am trying to progress in life but I cannot bc of shit like this. I am tired of being broke and struggling man. Why is adulting so hard??!,Depression +11770,"Please answer me, I need this life to be over already. Would it be a relief if I am dead? Would I be happier?",Suicidal +11771,"I have suffered from depression my whole life but as I have gotten older it has gotten worse.I see the years passing me by and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I have no girlfriend, no friends, all I do is work, come home and sleep. I have no interest in anything, not even the things that once were of interest to me.I am disgusted by myself. I cannot connect to others. I am always alone.Sometimes I do not mind. I have almost gotten her to it but as of lately its been nipping away at me.I have tried every antidepressant, anti anxiety medication, TMS, changing diet, working out..you name it. I have tried it. And, yet nothing seems to work. There is no point to this message. I just needed to vent. I am so lonely.",Depression +11772,"I am (23f) so tired of being alive. Saying I have had a tough couple of years is an understatement. Many family members have died from suicide or drug overdose, sexual assaults, and just day to day misery. I have become addicted to drugs, one of which being heroin. But it does not make me happy. Nothing makes me happy. My boyfriend says I make his life miserable, I know I make everyone is life miserable. I am just a self centered bitch. My mom was just diagnosed with MS and she should not have to deal with me. I know my death would hurt her a lot but I am so so tired. I want it to be over",Suicidal +11773,"I am a virgin and I want to have sex but I know my partner would never make a first move without my enthusiastic consent. The thing is during cuddling/making out it is hard for me to be present enough to show enthusiasm or to try to move things in a sexual direction. Like, I just get dissociative and quiet. it is not that I am uncomfortable, if anything I feel so comfortable and safe that my brain just wants to shut off and rest. they will be touching me and kissing me and stuff and I will be enjoying it but my brain just goes so numb that I cannot express my feelings or reciprocate. Anyone have any advice? in my first real relationship and struggling to be present during intimacy",Depression +11774,"To all of the people who feel like their health is declining , please do not google your symptoms. I have been dealing with ilness anxiety for years now and everytime I would get anxious that something is wrong with me I would google it. This lead to many sleepless nights because google told me I most likley have some serious health condition. Please if you feel like something is wrong just forget google is there and go to the doctor. The bullshit written on google can seriously worsen your mental health and lead to severe depression. that is what happend to me. I was already depressed but the last month was probably the worst time of my life and it all started over using google for symptoms. I had just read an article about different types of cancer and what symptoms to look out when I realised something was not right (kind of private so will not go in detail) . Long story short after searching google for hours I came to the conclusion that I am experiencing a common cancer symptom. So I instantly call my doctor but he was not available so I had to wait 2 weeks for him to be available and than some for the test results to come out. During this almost 1 month of waiting I completely destroyed my already weak mental. I was constantly imagining scenarios in my head where I get diagnosed with cancer or some other dangerous condition. I could not sleep or do anyting other than sit in my bed and worry. More symptoms kept appearing and my health kept worsening. I seriously considered suicide as my life was not that good already and being diagnosed with something horrible would have been the nail in the coffin. My results came back and it turned out that it was not anything serious, most of the symptoms I was experiencing were stress based and I had tortured myself for nothing. I am not saying that you should not care if something is wrong with you, but please do not jump to conclusions based on google articles. If you are anxious about your health , please please do not use google! (advice)",Depression +11775,I am 16. so i have no future prospects. nor do i plan on continuing my education or working towards a career. is it in my best interest to kill myself? question,Suicidal +11776,"Fucking hell what is wrong with me, I am so fucking pathetic, why am I even doing this The pain just does not stop",Suicidal +11777,"time for you guys to listen to my meaningless ramble. I am 18, and meant to be graduating high school in a year, except i will not be because my grades are too low and i do not care enough to actually try studying, which is strange considering my academics used to be the pride of my life. i failed at life this year. i do not know what happened. i see my life falling apart, i see myself binge eating multiple times a day, which must be great because i had anorexia a decade ago which still seems relevant to my parents and hopefully when high school ends ill off myself. i have no hopes or dreams. i can never get out of bed. i see everyone around me, breathing, laughing, eating. i have felt suffocated for a long time. my head is empty all of the time- i used to be able to think, to do stuff. now there is nothing to fill me. I am just a retard. i do not want any sympathy but i am. i do not know why but i always feel disgust when i see people doing anything. plus--i got a fake diagnosis of autism just because of my intense physical hatred of social situations. i got a fake diagnosis of depression because I have been burnt out a long time. also I am really slow. when will anythingg be real. i struggle to see the consequences of my actions. every day repeats- a cell. i hate life, but i carrrrry on. i fucking hate my crippled ass. i have never been out of my parents sight my entire life, yet they still treat me as a ticking time bomb. i can never be bothered to respond to my needs. what is the point of a point. I am done with this shit---but i realise that because today is the full moon which is erlevant to ny parents which means i can be dismissed. i hate myself goddammit. i suck at everything every day. there is just no point in my being. i profit off other people, and worst part is i cannot off myself or cut myself or slit my wrists properly,. someday it will be done. i just cannot be bothered and i have no correct equipment. everyone is more successful than me, and i do not need a pat on the back. thanksyall for wasting your time to read dis shit. master of pathetic idleness",Depression +11778,"I just lost my job, no one in my family suppports me or know what are things i like and enjoy to do. I try to start getting back onto something but their insults or smirks or scoffs are just too much. Things i got used to ignore but already piled up.I cannot do something for my mom or my dad. My mom wants me to be this person i do not want to be and just looks sad or disappointed or just trying to hold her temper whenever she is interacting with me or whenever i avoid the conversation when she starts to insist what she wants again. I am living with my brother and his family but got to live with this atmosphere where they are itching to throw me out. I have been in a series of interviews for the past 2 months but cannot get in a goddam job. I do not eat and go out of my room that much to avoid whatever i am doing wrong in their eyes. I feel trapped. I was alone in the house earlier and i sat at the bathroom. the shower hose is made out of soft plastic, long enough. the height of the window is high enough. I sat there thinking how would i look, how long will it take till they find out? whose going to see me first? Can they tell that since i got here i have been suicidal? That they have been interacting with someone like me? That it would be too late when they finally piece it together? That when i finally went out for a hike, they did not see anything but a dangerous and reckless waste of time. No one even ask a picture or asked how was it. Fuck. And now i am spiraling to this feeling of nothingness, of emptiness and that thought that the only rational thing to do is just end it, because there is nothing really different in me being here, feeling nothing to being not here, feeling nothing. What i really want is actually simple, that someone would genuinely care. I am way deep in the rabbit hole that validation seems inappropriate anymore or any sign of response is pity or i tend to negate anything or mistrust anything because they will trap me. I just want to be left alone nowadays and i do not know what i am really here. This sounds like a rant, I am sorry to whoever got as far as here. The only thing that stopped me is the thought that i cannot let these people live in the guilt of thinking it is their fault even if it is all mine. This floating thought leaving me feeling nothing",Suicidal +11779,"I try to distract with doing things or going places or seeing people I care about. I recently moved into my own place, got a puppy, made some new friends. I feel like reasonably I should be in a good place mentally, I am enjoying more out of my life than I have in a really long time. But I cannot stop thinking about killing myself. What do I really have to offer the world? I have too many things wrong with me to make me a worthy person, I feel. No matter what I do I cannot get past my own head. Things can get really really good and then something drastic happens that just throws me right back. I cannot stop thinking about killing myself",Depression +11780,"To live by objectives and obligations is so inconvenient. Especially when someone puts it on you. My cunt father puts all his responsibilities on me. ""My dream was to go to Harvard but I could not so I want you to accomplish it for me."" if I reply back saying I do not want to go to a prestigious school, he would say ""do you have a better idea or a plan?"" I do not but I know I do not want to go to this shit. I am only 14. I am an average person, nor smart nor dumb. Everyone in my family is a hypocrite and I hate living in this house. My bitch mom is thinking of sending me to a different country to a boarding school. I do not want to go their either. Please let me be free. I might delete this later. I wamt to run away from home.",Depression +11781,"I am in my early 30's, I am married with 3 kids. We have a house, 4 cars, a family owned business, and an investment portfolio that is going to be worth hundreds of millions in the not so distant future. I am not someone you know, but I have connections to very rich & powerful people in the world that we all know. If you think things happen at random in the world, you are so wrong..... even the r/conspiracy sub has it wrong..... Anyway, I seemingly have everything anyone could ever want but I could not be more unhappy. I have no empathy, I feel no love, & I only feel anger and despair most of the time. I do not even have dreams anymore (that I can remember anyway)... Maybe it is all me but I never used to be like this. The stress in my life is insurmountable right now and there is never any down time... I do not want to live this life anymore but I am very much anchored down because a lot of people depend on me. I constantly just day dream of running away and starting over but its really not a viable solution as that brings forth a whole set of other problems. I am a mentally strong person but I guess I am just looking for any words and suggestions of how to navigate this situation before it devolves into something far worse than it already is. Every has a limit where they can no longer rational deal with situations like this. I have everything...",Depression +11782,"I want to commit suicideBut I am afraid to survive. I am afraid of paralysis of the leg or any other problem except deathI want to throw myself out of my brother's carI know there are other ways to commit suicide, but I do not want them to know that I committed suicide, they should think that it was just an accident.I may survive and that scares me(My language is not English, sorry for the mistakes) I am afraid",Suicidal +11783,how can i watch some suicide? ?,Suicidal +11784,Man whenever I see women with there rich boyfriends it fills me with rage I am stuck working my ass off. I am unemployed right now and I am lucky to have a roof over my head but once I get a job it is back to working my ass off and still struggling. I do not understand why god made my life so hard why I have to spend every waking moment doing hard labour alone while my female counterpart can just get a rich sugar daddy to spoil her. Man I worked my ass off at my last job 10 hour shifts everyday felt like a prison sentence. No support no help straight grind! A straight up hard life! I will never be loved I am a 18 year old virgin and I feel like doing drugs again I do not feel lonely when I am high. I cannot get interviews due to being an ugly male and I just feel like giving up. Man I am pathetic and jealous,Suicidal +11785,"I am extra anxious again as fuck.Usually it comes down to breakdown and I am sinking in pain.I am just anxious,life is literally passing by.I am scared by life.Everything is too hard for me Again",Suicidal +11786,"A bit of a long story, but please bear with me. I am a veteran and in 2001 in Afghanistan, I have got PTSD, Due to an incident that happened out there. Took me years to get better but I eventually did. When I left the services I became a nurse, and everything was going okay, and then we had this pandemic. During the midst of the pandemic due to stress/tiredness And anxiety at the way the world was going, I made a drug error. I did not kill anyone, or even hurt them, I just gave them the wrong drug. Id only been a nurse for 18 months last year. The stress of what I have done brought back my PTSD. Once I realised what Id done I reported it to my manager and she told me not to worry, and would support me. Fast forward four months, I have a disciplinary hearing and they fire me, dismissed from the trust I worked in for this one error. That was in September last year. A week after that my son (who lived with me and not his mum) it was discovered that he had abused his half sisters, who live with his mum when he was younger. So I could no longer have him at my house, as I have young daughters too. I went to the authorities about him, because his mum would not. My reasons for doing this was because I could see it coming out in the future when he was married with his own children and it would destroy his life, I think it was better off out now whilst still only young (hes 17). He said he was disgusted with himself and wish it had never happened. All this time later and I am still unemployed, as no one will hire me and I have seen my son once in a year. I am broken, no other way to put it. Falling",Depression +11787,"I live in a semi-tropical area where plants take over everything, but I feel like I have this horticultural curse that reflects on my life in general. I have tried to grow plants for years, even building wooden planters, but then once the plants sprout I leave them outside where they get destroyed by inevitable torrential rain. I just moved and have a dirt backyard that gets sun, so I hoed the dirt up and planted grass seed after reading how to do it, but even in this area I messed it up somehow. I also bought and planted some already grown peppers, but I know I will abandon them to being eaten by insects or just not ever eat what grows on them. The only things I have grown successfully are basil and hot peppers, but I just left them without eating them until I used them up. it is reflective of everything else I do in life, really. I just do not care enough to do anything I once was happy doing. I have cut off contact with all friends, completely fake my conversations, never play music, drink too much, do not exercise, and stopped taking medications and going to therapy a couple years ago since I realized I cannot even be honest with myself and was definitely not honest with my therapist. I feel like seeing grass grow will be something that helps me feel like I have not completely abandoned my will to live. I cannot even get grass to grow!",Depression +11788,"I am currently working 10min (walk) from home, so I walk there everyday. The thing is, I am back at my grandma's in a small city in Brazil and here there are soooo many stray dogs and cats on the streets, at least half of them in awful conditions, looking like they are about to die at any moment (either too skinny or with a lot of ugly bruises).I have to see that everyday, therefore I cry everyday and want to end this everyday, 4 times a day (the street I walk to have lunch has the worst dog of them all, he is barely breathing, supper skinny and there is nothing I can do). I lived here when I was a teen and it was so hard. When I moved out I was so relieved to leave all of this hurt behind, but now I am back, and details aside, I cannot really leave.Does anyone have any suggestions for me to feel less like shit being that:- I cannot help them because I am goddamn poor and barely have time and money for my sick cat at home.- I cannot quit my job.- there is no way to get to work without bumping into those poor creatures and relieving my trauma.- I will only be able to afford therapy by September.it is hard and I do not see any solution, I am actually skeptical about anyone helping me with some kind of idea/solution, but I do not really see an alternative, I am hoping for the best. Feel suicidal daily and cannot really change things in order to be ok right now. Wonder if there is anything I can do to feel better even if I am in a shitty situation, can someone help?",Suicidal +11789,A minute too late and a dollar too short...Ya know? I feel like I dodged so many bullets in life then the last one finally got me..,Suicidal +11790,"Been feeling really suicidal lately, intrusive thoughts, dreams, and some small wonderings of if killing myself would make everything better. My parents are abusive assholes, and even though I am on my last few laps with them until I can be free my morale has slowly been cracking. So I have come up with some motivators to keep myself alive and one of the highest ones is that feeling I will get when I will be free, that look on my mother's face when I tell her what a bitch she is will be worth it in the end. The only reason I am staying alive is to spite my mother.",Suicidal +11791,"Presently, I am struggling with my moms very dangerous cancer diagnosis that has a very likely grim outlook, my (now ex) girlfriend just beat the shit out of me two days ago, and I am a dedicated creative in the worst years-long progressive block I have ever had. My mom is really my best friend and every day I wake up to the idea that she could be gone very soon, my girlfriend was the only person that helped me to stay properly in the moment and now she is gone and I am scared she is going to kill herself, and my path with music and videos is so far along no part of me wants to quit but I am getting genuinely lost on how exactly to progress for my audience. I do not want to kill myself in the obvious sense but sometimes I do not know how I can be expected to just keep going down this shit rabbit hole. 23 and have never had suicidal ideation until now",Suicidal +11792,"I already know how and when I am going to do it ,but I am scared that I might survive. You see, my plan is taking a bunch of sleeping pills, 'cuz I am 2 much of a pussy to just cut my throat ,but what if it does not work and I survive? How i am going to face my parents and friends? I think I am going to do it",Suicidal +11793,"Hi, people. Just wanted to vent a bit, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 5 months ago, been taking Zoloft 50mg since then. Overall, Id say I can see the results of the medication, my mood has significantly improved, anxiety has slowed down. The thing truly fucks me up right now are the random insane moments, which are triggered by trivial stuff; I get extremely upset, not only with myself, but also with my partner, who is the most supportive and important person in my life. When I have an episode, usually it starts from him irritating me, or doing something that really hurt me, but later on whilst sobering up from the insanity, I cannot remember why I felt hurt in the first place. I cannot even think about those reasons while arguing or accusing him of something.I hate that after such a long time I am still incapable of recognizing my paranoid and insane behavior. All of the feelings, my anger, pain, paranoia, fear, they all seem real and reasonable. I know my partner and he knows me better than anyone, that is why after everything I feel like a piece of shit, remembering all the disgusting thoughts I had about him.I hate that I can notice a pattern of a really toxic behavior from my side, that happens leas than it used to, but is still here. My boyfriend is really against increasing the Zoloft dose, but all those episodes resulting in self-harm, arguments, panic attacks and the worst bit, hurting my partner.How are you guys dealing with your mental health issues and loved ones? hurting people whom I love most",Depression +11794,"It feels like there are constantly tears behind my eyes waiting for me to let them go, even if you tell me the funniest joke in the world and i let out the loudest laugh, they do not go away. They are always there. It feels like there are constantly tears behind my eyes",Depression +11795,Suicide seems fate Fate loves Irony,Suicidal +11796,Can you ever be truly happy with depression? I feel like have Week spans where I am in a good mood then the next week I am back to being depressed. Depression and happiness,Depression +11797,"I feel so cut off from everyone, I do not know how to act or speak around people and the idea of messaging friends or anyone really is getting more and more nerve wracking. My mind goes blank with conversation, I try to force it but I feel like I always end up being awkward or I am thinking too much about the fact someone is talking to me that I barely even hear what they say.I also feel like I sometimes use the wrong expression or I was more ""over the top"" or vice versa than I should have been. I trip over my words a lot too and sometimes I just kind of stare ahead as my brain is processing what to say back. Awkward.I used to be better at talking to people, never great but with friends I could talk and joke for hours but I struggle to even keep friends nowadays because I am terrified of saying the wrong thing or acting the wrong way, but I do not want to be alone. I just needed to get what is on my mind right now out",Depression +11798,"I just lost 90% of my hard earned salary to some lucky dickhead in blackjack. I feel absolutely worthless and bad. I have always been unlucky and it makes me feel like i am actually cursed. I get a good deck, my opponent has better. I get a deck below 16 and when i draw card, i exceed 21. I get ace and 10/picture, my opponent gets it too. Why the heck am i so unlucky? Am i playing against a leprechaun? Every time i play, whenever i actually do win, it is very little compared to what i lose. I am a disgrace to my parents. Now i do not have enough money for my monthly expense and i have no motivation anymore so i just sleep or use my electronic the whole day in my locked dark room. I feel cursed",Depression +11799,"Nothing in my life is even going wrong but I feel so hopeless. Not even sad, just apathetic and disillusioned. Like there is no point to any of this. I go to work and I come home, sometimes I visit my mom and my childhood pets. I hate that my childhood is over; I do not know how to move on to another life. I think when my mom passes away I am going to commit suicide. I do not have anyone else that will ever love me as much as she does. That and I do not want to live to watch the Earth die. Everything about life now is exhausting. Social media has ruined everyone is brainnobody is authentic and everyone does everything for scraps of attention on the internet. The people who matter do not care about the Earth or people suffering. I do not want to get old and lose my youth and beauty. I do not want to exist in the world as it is and I will not want to exist without the people I love. Fun moments are fleeting and scarce yet I am too tired to seek out new experiences. I am so disappointed that this is just what life is. The same nothingness every day until one day you realize that you have wasted it waiting for your life to finally begin. what is the point. Hopelessness",Suicidal +11800,"hate them all, parents do not give af, had me later in life, and were not bothered to put effort into raising me. I do all the housework because my dad is on oxygen so I get all the blame, all my older siblings moved out and only an older sibling is left and I hate him so much, he is a fucking dick. I just want to be free I am in community college have all A's but I do not feel like I am appreciative or even noticed here. I just want to be happy again I Hate My Family And Where I am At In Life",Suicidal +11801,"Sorry but this will probably be rambling. I am having a harder and harder time finding a reason to do anything anymore. I have a great job but I cannot focus. Moved into a nice new home, but cannot even unbox the first thing. Going through a rough divorce, but I always said she was my light, and now without her I cannot see a reason to do anything. Nothing seems worth it anymore. Being in her presence made me a better person, made me feel I could do anything. Now I struggle to make it to the bedroom door every morning. For the last few months I have leaned heavily on my support group, but I can feel them stepping away as I overburdened them time and again. I am afraid to tell my therapist and I do not know why. Maybe I am afraid they will lock me up. All I know is I spent 27 years lost in the world before I met her, and then 7 years feeling like I had found heaven. Now I wish I could feel nothing. That would be an upgrade. I am just empty. So empty. I do not see how I can do this without her in my life. I thought moving out of our shared house would make things better. But it is 1000 times worse. I cannot keep feeling like this, but I do not see a way out. I need her. So badly. She was my everything. I even loved her flaws. Probably loved them most of all as that is what made her human. I do not know what to do. I just know I need her. I have to find a way to move on without her. But I cannot even imagine tomorrow in my head right now. To say the least of a future. I am so tired and so empty. And the world feels so dark. And I do not know what to do anymore. I thought I was depressed in the past, but no. I am just so empty. cannot find a reason anymore",Depression +11802,"I need help, but do not with what. I have not had that innate want to live for quite a while, and just living right now takes all of me. I am nauseous from anger and resentment most of the time, and nothing drives me. I have never made plans for 'that', but today I just feel so, empty. Like the hollow husk that held what was left of me fell off. I cannot grasp onto a single want that I have to be here. Everything I have is someone else's wish for me. I am supposed to go to college soon, but it honestly sounds like another four years of somehow drowning further. I do not want that. I just want to be happy, but Everytime I am I feel guilty, like I am doing a disservice to those who cannot smile. I go between hating the world and hating myself, and because of that I cannot cope anymore. It feels like there is this big barrier between me and everyone around me. Like you tell 100 people to talk to me today, and I would still feel alone. I am sorry for anyone who has to read this, I just wanted to tell someone, because I feel that talking to anyone else would just be a burden on them. I hope you all have great days, and thank you for the ear. I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +11803,"I am planning to km soon. I do not know if i should write or tell my friends that i will be gone. I do not want them to feel sorry or guilty. Whould you prefer getting that message from ur friend or not? I want to explain why i did it, thank them for everything and say goodbye Suicide note",Suicidal +11804,"My parents wanted 2 kidsa few years before I was born, my parents' second kid was stillborn. If he had lived, I would not have to be here.I honestly believe that everybody in my life would be better off without me. So eventually, I am going to leave.I do not think much will change. I did not have to be born.",Suicidal +11805,I am sick of trying. Killing myself seems like the only way for me to escape this world I do not feel like belonging to. Everytime I try to give life a chance again there is always something happening that makes me want to kill myself again,Suicidal +11806,I just spent the last hour writing out a post spilling out my heart over a birthday party just to delete it because it serves no point.How do you go on when you cannot find value in the little things anymore?I am probably just going to delete this post later. what is the point anymore.,Depression +11807,no more remembering bad memories. no more heart break. no more waking up in the morning and feeling desperate. no more crying in the shower. no more looking down the window and thinking if I should end it all. No more sadness. no more pain. the sweet relief that suicide brings upon one sounds very appealing to me. how do people expect me to not kill myself? goodbye to anxiety and depression forever. how do people expect me to NOT kill myself when life is so shitty that suicide sounds like the best thing ever?,Suicidal +11808,"Today I wrote notes to the important people in my life. For once I have a plan, and depending on how my day goes I will likely put it into action. I am not sympathy digging or looking for ""please do not"" or encouragement to follow through. I just needed to get this out into the universe in hopes it would break the fog and make me see things differently. I have championed for mental health care for years, I have tried to be there for those who need me. Honestly, I am just tired. Tired of fear, of not being able to practice what I preach, of continuing this mundane existence and pasting a Stepford Wife smile on my face every day. I am just ready for it to be done. Notes",Suicidal +11809,"Cw abuse and suicide attemptI guess I just need somewhere to vent. I have struggled with suicidal ideation since I was about eleven and because I never attempted, my parents never cared, no matter how intense they got. So I gave up on it and just kept it to myself.I got some help later in life and was diagnosed with PTSD from peer and familial abuse and BPD. I also struggle a lot with my parents trying to throw me to the rocks with coping with my autism. Every therapist and help I have been provided always was the mind set that I was not suicidal enough. it is hard for me to keep my mind from splitting, so often when it went this route I just dropped that provider. I am not paying you to pretend you care, you know?Then, it happened.The stress of my failing writing career, failing marriage, and relationships imploded last night and I just OD'd. it is a blur, but I did not really have a suicide note or plan. I was in the hospital since I was found out pretty fast. Unfortunately, since it turned out to be non fatal medication, the hospital visit was not very helpful and now I feel like a complete dumbass. I really should have done more research and gotten something fatal. It was just what I had on time.What I am surprised about is my indifference about surviving. For a bit I did fade in and out, but I was fully aware that on the off chance I did actually die, I did not care. The doctors kept trying to figure out why I did not and still do not feel guilt. I am not upset I survived. I just do not fucking care. I refused to be put in a pysch ward. I have sensory overload issues and I have heard enough shit what they do to autistic people in my state.Maybe because I am in a vicious cycle of barely hanging on, I knew it was time. I do not remember everything and I do not want advice. I also do not want fake positivity of the ""oh it will get better type.""I got enough from professionals. I really do not need to hear or be guilt tripped into why I was wrong for finally being provoked into it. Therapy is in the talks but I need to find a good fit for someone who is okay with who I am. Because there is not a lot of people that like me very much (understandably honestly). I am often treated poorly by others. I do not understand healthy relationships and now due to financial reasons I can only hope therapy does not drag my fiances into the ground because I have to go if I want to make the attempt to be better. So I did it",Suicidal +11810,its safe to say I have been really depressed lately (its usually more of episodes followed by feeling okay followed by another episode for me) and I cannot stop thinking my bf has fallen out of love or I am not good enough etc. and its causing me to want to just. cuddle him constantly or be with him most the time and I can tell its getting on his nerves and I do not want to be like that lol (we live together and both 20years old) can depression make me act clingy??,Depression +11811,I cannot take this anymore I feel fucking useless I cannot stand this I have a degree I need an income not even a fucking sub shop wants me. Unemployment fucking sucks. If someone does not fucking hire me,Depression +11812,"Hello! it is a rather long story, basically my whole life and how my parents' behavior and little comments affected my decisions in life and make me really, really sad.I am 20yo at the moment, female, but have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was 13. I am not diagnosed with depression, have not been able to go the psychotherapy, because my parents think I am joking and it is over exaggerated. Back in 2014, when I was hitting puberty, I had an awful summer where I realized everything is meaningless and whatever I do in my life is going to be forgotten and had my ""nihilistic"" phase, crying all day that I am useless, I have no friends, no one to understand me, nothing. It was rather unusual, because my mom has given me love all my life, my father was a bit on the cold side, as he stopped expressing love towards me once i started growing up and decided to raise me up as a boy and not spoil me. All in all, my 2014 summer was pretty sad, I told my mom about it and that I wanted to see a psychiatrist, because I did not feel too well, but she brushed it off with: ""If you go to the psychiatrist at 13 you are going to become insane at 30"" - its a stigma in my country to seek help from a professional about your mental health. During the years after that i grew out of this nihilistic phase, decided that even though everything is meaningless, you can still enjoy the good things in life. I still had my episodes of wanting to kill myself, end it all, being unbothrred with everything, crying over boys, broken hearted and many more occasions. Overall, I still had that ""it is whatever if I live or die today"" and it was getting stronger when i was struggling with love, when it was raining, when my parents put me down for not being the first in maths/physics competitions, had different POV from their, wanted to go out with my friends as much as they could, enjoy life, they are basically super strict and did not allow me lots of things, even when i begged. I was also not allowed to have any boyfriends till 21, no joke here.Ff to 2020, I finally decide to begin a serious relationship with this guy, even keep it in a secret, and love him and enjoy life. I am also studying abroad in the Netherlands, first year student so we keep it long distance. it is 2 months into the uni year and i become super homesick for my family and my bf, i am crying all the time, i am also struggling with uni and just cannot stand it anymore, to which coronavirus gets out of control and they let us go online so i get back to my country. My parents are happy, I am happy but i am worried how i should tell yhem about my bf and my struggles with uni. They are pretty chill, because I have lots of time till the end of the uni year so even if i struggle i can get better. Ff May 2021, my parents become super toxic, telling me how i should study, spend this amount of time to this course and doing this and that, to which i reply that i will not follow their advice because things are much different than they were 30years ago. They become super oppressive and i decide to run away and leave them a letter in which i say what i feel, that i have a bf and all the things i cannot do. I do so, and my mother just stops talking to me so i phone my father and he tells me to come back, sit down and talk with them. I do so, we have a talk with my father and he is pretty chill about the situation, they ""let me see"" my bf and travel to his town with one thing in mind - that i shall keep studying. I have no problem with that and ff 2 months, they are back on their old shit, telling me that if i do not pass my exams i can never see him, that I am not trying as hard as i can, that ill end up as a 7/11 worker, that all I am interested in now is only sex and much more things I will not write down. I scream out loud during one fight that I am fed up with all that disrespect and behavior and burst into tears and start shaking, they try comforting me but i doubt that they really understand what is going on in my mind.Today i had an argument with my mother and in the middle of it, when neither me nor her was talking she just commented ""or you are going to tell us that you are going to kill yourself again"" - like it was a fucking joke and i do not feel that way. I am just done with this shit i am so close to harming myself, i cannot stand this anymore, its been every 2/3 days, its like they just cannot understand me and just want to obey everything they say. i do not even know if it is just me and my head is exaggarating these situations or they really are causing me mental health problems, I am just tired of crying myself to sleep and trying to do my best while it still being not appreciated. Are my parents being the problem",Depression +11813,I do not know what is wrong with me do not even have the motivation to write another suicide note,Suicidal +11814,"I make so many mistakes, I am not made for this world; I should just kill myself and I will. I feel like dying again",Suicidal +11815,"&#x200B;I am trapped in a horror movie, When I wake up in the morning I feel terrified and tired, during the entire day, I feel sad, anxious and tired, I am irritable all the time.When I walk in the streets I feel awful and I want to vomit, I cannot stand talking to people or seeing them. Before going to sleep, I afraid to wake up in the morning, When I sleep I dream of strange monsters eating me or people I love and who love me from my family strangling and stabbing me and trying to kill me, I do not know why, I have a good relationship with my family.I suffer from sleep paralysis a lot this year compared to previous years, There is not a single moment in the whole day that I feel safe or comfortable.In the past, I used to feel happy sometimes, but now I cannot feel joy or happiness, only pain and suffering, I tried to live a lot, but life is not for everyone.My life was already bad before Corona and now my life is worse and more difficult, when Corona ends, I know that my life will not return to the way it was before Corona.I could have lived maybe a few more years, but something bad happened to me last year (I was not hurt by anyone) (just an absurd coincidence).Every thing is painful, I do not like the world, I do not enjoy living, suicide is hard but living is impossible, I wish I was never born.I think suicide is an inevitable fate for me, I will commit suicide on July 30th, I wanted to commit suicide on my birthday last week ( I turned 22 last week) but I could not because my little sister will finish high school exams on July 29th, I do not want to ruin her education.My life has been full of physical, psychological and sexual abuse, and during my school years I was subjected to severe and continuous bullying, The biggest reason for being bullied was my strange personality.I remember the last time I was happy and safe when I was 7 years old, I wanted to kill my self since I was 8 years old, I wish I could just stop existing, because I am in a constant state of suffering.I do not believe in hell but I am very afraid to go there, I forgive everyone who has hurt me and I hope everyone I have hurt will forgive me because I have hurt some people and I regret it so deeply that sometimes I cannot breathe.I hope my parents, siblings and all my family will forgive me, I tried to commit suicide before, but in a way that makes my death accidental, So that my family would not feel severe sadness because of my suicide, but unfortunately I was saved.I hope everyone I know from Reddit would forgive me for not replying to their messages during the last 3 months.Sorry for my long post and sorry for any spelling or grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language.If I survive I will write an update but I hope I do not because I do not want to keep suffering. I am trapped in a horror movie",Suicidal +11816,"I am having trouble sleeping so I thought I would just vent hereI just graduated from junior college, and now have to serve a compulsory 2 years in the army. So now is the time for me to think about what I want to study in universityJunior College really burned me out, and I do not feel really passionate about anything other than comics and film. I have tried to reignite an interest in coding, but I just feel so uninterested and defeated.The reason why I particularly like film is because you get to create content in our increasingly consumerism-centric society. I also want to work on comic adaptations, because I just love these storiesMany people in life, they encourage you to chase your passion, and I want to, but I feel like work experience is much more useful to get myself into the film industry. I seriously have little faith in the film school route, what if I spend 3-5 years getting a film degree and still struggling to find a job, especially in my country where the film industry is tinyAlso, since the film industry here is so tiny, coming across opportunities to work in the film industry after my 2 years of army service...seems hardI just feel so empty. My only real passion in life now is comics and film. I do not have that many friends to share joy withAnd I am just sad I feel empty, not very interested in almost all career options. Only really interested in film. Yeah.",Depression +11817,"I am 16, I feel like my time in this world is limited. I do not want to get old. I do not want to live without my parents. When I graduate high school I think Ill kill myself. But that would ruin my parents lives, and it would been a waste to put so much time and effort in raising me just to have it all lost. My friends would be sad but I think they would move on eventually.But maybe if I die I can finally go to the world in my head. My ideal world where I can be in my real body, not this ugly human one. It would be both peaceful and exciting to go there. I do not know how but maybe just maybe its real? And I am some sort of catalyst? Who am I kidding, it is not real. it will never be real. there is no point in living if it never is real. It just feels as if time is marching towards the inevitable.",Suicidal +11818,I was diagnosed with depression around 5 years ago by a doctor but I thought I did not have it because I do not feel unhappy or have negative thoughts.However I am terrible about motivation and feel intimidated at the thought of leaving the house and going outside.Does that mean I do in fact have mild depression like the doctor said?What advice do you have for me? Thank you very much. Do I have mild depression because I do not feel motivated and feel intimidated at the thought of leaving the house?,Depression +11819,I am a disappointment to so many people. My life is shit and I am shit and always will be. Eventually depression will win and that will be it forever. So tired of being in pain all the time and living in this hate filled world. Every second of every day I just want to cry but have no one safe to turn to I will not matter,Depression +11820,My older sister has been suicidal since I was seven (10 years ago) and has gotten worse lately. I was putting away laundry and found a sock with razorblades and a blank piece of paper. I was thinking of hiding it but I am not sure if it would make things worse since she is an adult and can just buy more. I cannot tell our parents since they have both been mentally abusive our whole lives. My mom never reacts well to these things since this is not an uncommon thing in my family (normally threatening to commit too). My sister has always complained about my mom's tactics. Would it be wrong to hide it? Would it be wrong to suggest my mom get her into a hospital? I need advice on finding a possible note,Suicidal +11821,"I have only started realising that all my friends are leaving me. I had a large group full of good people and then I went and fucked everything up. They all seclude me, except for my girlfriend who stays by my side and supports me. Even our closest mutual friend is avoiding us. She means the world to me and she is all i have now, but tonight I made her cry. It was not my intent, but that does not matter we went to the super market and back without saying a word to each other and Its all my fault. I love her to pieces but now I cab see I am pishing her away like everything else. I have never felt more alone in my life, watching it peel away every good thing I ever had right in front of my eyes. I do not sleep very well and my anxiety spikes through the roof every now and then. Its all happened so fast and i know it will never stop. Nothing ever gets better, so I am wondering if I should just end it now. Then hopefully my girlfriend will find someone else and move on from me. Maybe my family will forget me too. Nothing ahead",Suicidal +11822,Hello. I am a minor 11 years old to be exact yes 11 Fucking years old. I have been suffering from depression since I was 9 years old this year I told one of my friends and my two fav cousins that I was depressed. My friend was not really helping me but I know she is not fake anyway my cousin's we are helping me a lot they told me if I was feeling sad I could contact them and that we could talk. I did not tell my parents and I am not thinking of it but I want to get therapy but I am not even the correct age for it and I need parents consent but I do not want to tell them and they have been really harsh to me not letting me do anything I love tbh school is to blame because of school my parents are telling me to study but I just cannot focus today I cried in the shower and wasted half an hour and they do not even know cuz I have been fucking hiding it from them. So I am coming here because I cannot get therapy and my fellow depressed people you know how it feels to just tell your parents how you feel. I am asking for help. I just want to go to somewhere where nobody is present and scream at this cruel world until I lose my voice. This is all coming from my heart. Kill me plz,Suicidal +11823,"Currently in unusual living situation. Spouse and I have separated, she is filing for divorce. However due to our kids, we are living in the same house. The hard part is she is going on dates. Today will be the 4th new date with Sunday another one. I am not blaming her or angry with her. I was not a great husband. However, knowing I will probably never have a relationship again with someone like her is difficult. She is an amazing woman and it shows with how she treats our kids, and myself after everything. Having to know that she is going on them, which she is asked almost every day on a different date, is difficult. I just sit at the house with our children and try not to stay in my head. I am not over her, but she made it clear she is with me, at least romantically. She still wants to be friends for our children. Sorry for the rant. Just seems like a good place to release some thoughts. Day at a time",Depression +11824,10 pills of 50 mg each for example. Can tramadol because death?,Suicidal +11825,I am so tired. Its one enormous problem after the other. Over it,Suicidal +11826,"I am 22 and have no real hope for the future. i attempted college multiple times but each time i ended up having a total mental breakdown where i was completely detached from reality and ended up hospitalized, causing me to fall behind in classes. I have been hospitalized so many times i cannot even count (more than 5, less than 15 times). now i work at a fucking ice cream shop and feel/look like shit everyday. all i do is wake up, lay in bed, go to work, come home super late, lay in bed, repeat. days off are almost worst than work days since i have so much time to just mope and do nothing. I have pretty much completely isolated myself from my friends and family since i feel like such a loser. all i can think about is how disappointed they are in me and how much more functional and successful they are. socializing has also just become highly draining in generali never know what to say since i do not do shit and have no real goals. the only person i want to see/communicate with is my ex but he lives three hrs away from me and left me due to my illness anyway. we still talk everyday but knowing hes probably happier without me and will find someone else only makes me want to end it all. i seriously have nothing to live for. thanks for reading i just needed to vent publicly a little bit mental illness ruined my life",Depression +11827,"It feels like my mental health has just been in a state of constant decline since I was 12. My life has reached a breaking point and I have no one to talk to it about so I guess here I go. I have had an awful eating disorder (ARFID) since I was 3. Essentially I developed a mental block/crippling fear around trying new foods and as such I have a kind of limited diet to this day. At the time I was developing it there did not exist many studies or much information about it especially not in males. It created a horrible relationship with my parents as they were desperate for me to just get over it, but I did not have the mental capacity to understand why because I was 3. It only gets worse as you get older because you dig yourself further and further into your comfort zone. My parents tried all they could to get me over it including hospitalizing me at 15. At the time I was also starting to work out excessively and starve myself because I was being bullied a lot and was disgusted by my physical appearance. The hospital did not know what to do with me either because they had never had a male come though and they mostly just specialized in anorexia. Long story short they eventually just kind of gave up on me and sent me home and I think that damaged my parents view of me for a long time. At the same time I have wanted to pursue a career in film/entertainment/content creation but my parents moved to the most rural and middle of nowhere kind of town in america so there was not a lot of opportunity or schooling for it available. I feel constantly insecure about the fact that I really have not developed much as an artist in any particular medium but I never had anybody to collaborate or learn from/with. People I went to high school with already have big apartments in LA and I have nothing to show for myself. I know it is not healthy to compare yourself to others and we should go at our own pace but I really do just feel behind developmentally. I moved out of my parents house the day I turned 19 because I had reached a low with living in Arkansas and dealing with my parents. I threw everything essential in my car and drove to the city I had gone to high school in and where my sister lived. It was 600 miles away. I was fortunate enough to get a decent paying job and an apartment that I split with roommates pretty quickly. This was one week before the country went into total lockdown. The goal was not to move out and wind up on a film set but more so to just grow as an adult and get a feel for living on my own. I made a bit of progress with my Arfid and tried a good number of new foods for me. At age 19 I tried scrambled eggs for the first time in my life. Pathetic yes. A big step for me. Also yes. Life in the apartment quickly began to decline. One of our roommates began to gradually let more and more people sleep on the couch and they were leaving the place in a state of absolute filth. I cleaned up for a while but eventually it became too much and I was fed up with it. Around this time I was thinking more and more of moving to a big city with opportunity and a scene for either film and tv stuff or live streaming. My girlfriend is a production assistant for a Netflix original right now in Atlanta. She has been pressuring me more and more to move to Atlanta and it seems like the proper thing to do but I have my reservations because I am horrible about driving it makes me want to throw up and their public transport is not dependable and the cost of living compared to their minimum wage is pretty bad. Her parents pay her bills. Her parents knew someone to get her that job. If I go there I am likely to just be stuck at another retail grind and I am not even sure if I could afford my own place on their wages. I do not have any higher education. I started college when I moved out but it had to be online because of the pandemic. here is where things get really stupid on my part. I cheated. We were at a low point in our relationship and had not seen each other in months or even been able to communicate much because of her job schedule and mine. A coworker came to me during my last week and told me she had feelings for me and we kissed. I feel absolutely abysmal about it. Yes my life was at an absolute low I was basically just working at this retail store and then coming home to a house that looked like an episode of hoarders buried alive and smoking weed and going to bed, but I do not want to excuse it. I feel like absolute shit. At this time I am back at my parents place with a fat savings account (good job me) and my girlfriend is still being very pushy for me to move to Atlanta immediately. I will probably break things off with her tonight. I am just so tired of all the pain and letting people in my life down. I think people have been as patient as they can be with me and as supportive as I probably deserve and I just keep fucking it up. I just want to have a roof over my head, the ability to support myself and the time to pursue my passions/hobbies seriously but its all so complicated now. I am so tired of letting everyone down. I am so tired of letting everyone down.",Depression +11828,I am breaking down right now actually i cannot really think straight i have nobody to talk to i feel so alone i reallly cannot take it anymore i cannot keep living like this i hope i die in my sleep or something idk help,Suicidal +11829,"Tomorrow I am going home, having visited my dad for the first time in about a year and probably for the last time ever. I have a plan. I have the equipment. I have the date, even the time. I do not know what more can or will stop me. My friends (more like acquaintances) know my mental health is not optimal, same with my family life (family is not abusive or anything, just dysfunctional) but no one knows that I have thought about this daily for the last few months. I have one last therapy session before it goes down, but it is for unrelated issues, and I seriously doubt I am going to tell them anything at all. I get these tiny little moments of doubt, like right now, when I am not sure of my choice, but they pass way too soon. My only other mindset is completely decided on it. Everything is just cold and meaningless and I am over here, supposed to do stuff and plan stuff and be a good person when all I really want to do is disappear. There is not one fucking day I wake up that I wish I had not. I drift off in the middle of conversations, fantasizing about ending it. I am snappy and a total nightmare to be around. I am starting to lose my grip on reality and it is fucking hard to deal with this bullshit. Stuff is bad, and it is only going to get worse. I do not want to be here when that happens. I did not ask for this, I did not want this, I do not want this. Fuck. I do not know what I want, and I know that whatever it is, I would never be able to achieve it. I do not know what I am trying to do here. I am sorry. I hope my grandma will not be too sad. I do not think I can do this anymore",Suicidal +11830,"I have been fighting this since I was 11. that is when my hero killed himself. It stunted me socially and unplugged me from any form passion. I am 38 now and having lived a life without passion and without the skills that develop around socialization, there is no path forward. I have spent the past 20 years failing at changing my situation I have tried to learn countless skills, but none of them have thrived. I would like to quit now. I am only really worried about hurting my young nephew unplugging him the way I was unplugged. But I cannot go on like this. I hear and see beauty in my head that I cannot express with my fingers. I workout and starve as best I can, but my body will not change. I am sad all the time. I would like the strength to be selfish. I would also like to spit in Gods stupid face. What a cruel hack. 27 years in. Totally stuck",Suicidal +11831,"Sorry this is long but I doubt anyone will even read this but I just need to get this off my chest. \---I have always struggled with depression since I was a young child. On and off numerous medications throughout the years, nothing worked because, at the end of the day, I did not have things in life that brought me joy as others did. I was an awkward introvert with anxiety and depression. I fought through depression for years and really busted my but to get a good job and work up and create goals for myself to really not let depression get me. I have a great job. I am so grateful for what I have and yet.... Life. Just. Feels. Pointless. I feel like i am drifting with no direction and I cannot seem to pull myself out of this pit. Everything this I do just does not make this feeling go away. Therapy and acknowledging why I have attachment issues and things from my past doest change the feelings. I understand my past, I understand my issues, but knowing this or talking about it does not change my obsessive thoughts and deep depression. Medications never stopped my thoughts, sleeping pills barely helped my sleep. On top of my already struggling chemical depression, I feel my life has just gone down the drain of everything I worked for. Ill skip the childhood and long list of life trauma and jump to the past year topresent. Since I worked hard to overcome those....My fiance and I broke up because I walked away from a toxic situation to try to better my life. He was bipolar. Anxiety medication made me gain 40lbs (I was underweight before so this was not making me obese but it still did not feel good and cannot' seem to shake it)I have lost 6 family members in the past 3 years including my sister. My fiance told me not to bother him with my grieving because it was annoying. So i learned to just deal on my own. When I was trying to move on from my ex, my male friend tried to rape me at a party. When I tried to talk to anyone about it everyone just told me to get over it so i did and kept on moving forward. I moved my job and gave up the home I owned to be with my ex, who changed his mind. Learned to appreciate it and enjoyed the ride. I am living in a temporary apartment trying to decide where to live with no furniture bc why bother if i do not stay. Lived trying to appreciate how nice it is in a new place. I had a pay cut at work due to the pandemic forcing me to live in a cheaper place far away and now have to travel 1.5 hours to the office each way. But that is okay, more time for audio books. I did not let any of those things get me down. I tried to just find happiness in everyday things and get through. I knew walking away from a bad relationship would be hard, but that it would lead me to a better life. Things started to look up, I got a raise, I started working out daily, was really putting in the effort to say yes to things instead of no, spent a lot of time outdoors, read as many books as I could. Joined a few dating sites to keep my options open to love. A year after my break up and moving out we had a long weekend at work for the 4th. I got depressed, no friends were around, i felt so lonely and pathetic. Went running, to the pool, I got myself some nice craft beers and just started reading, watching funny movies and just tried to pull myself out of this. Even treated myself to sushi to try to cheer me up and just enjoy my time with myself. But by the final day of a long weekend alone, after many many months alone. I just broke down and cried. Ended up drinking a bit and just let it out. Felt my depression. BUT then. Random burst inside of my overwhelmed me and i said to myself...I will NOT give up. I am awesome and great and I know someone will see that. I am fun to be with, loveable, funny, I have a great career, finances growing, i got this, made a visionboard. So after 1 year of dating sites, I have talked to hundreds and hundreds of guys. I feel like I can tell pretty quickly when I click or do not, and really have not experienced any conversation of interest. I still knew id find someone but was picky for a conncetion. People told me it was because i was not open or wanted my ex, but I really was open, I just could not find the chemistry I was looking for in a partner. I really try to add to the convo and ask questions and elaborate to build connections, I am really good one on one building connections. But then... an incoming message from someone new. just another guy that took the time to write something out but the responses had so much personality to them. I started getting excited to see them come in. We moved to another chat app and starting messaging from sun up to sun down every day for a few days, then he asked me out. He was busy but wanted to make it for the following weekend. We continued to chat all day every day completely connecting on so many levels. He really confirmed he was interested in me and was so excited to meet me and was clear i was what he was looking for and everything we chatted about was deep and connected and understanding and always followed up that we were still interested. Nothing really changed and then in the second week of chatting, pics, and videos. We were writing back and forth, he usually initiated and we both continued the convo. nothing happened or was said but it one second after i respond I was left with ""unread"". Never heard from him again and it is been about a week and he never even opened the message. I sent another one a few days ago just expressing I wish him the best and enjoyed chatting and such but thought we connected and were still interested. That was never opened as well. I had not been blocked thought, maybe that was something as my mind obsessively overthinks it. Anyways, skip to a week later. I got too attached to someone I never met. I was walking on air excited to chat with someone I was so into. We talked too much it honestly felt implied we would clearly be dating after meeting and that was just a formality. I get it, I was stupid to care before the meeting. But I could not help it. I was still chatting with others to not put eggs in a basket but no one had my attention as he did. It felt easy and effortless. I took a break from online dating to recoup and ground myself. Obsessive thoughts consumed me. What happened? what did I do? He was so reassuring and thoughtful. I could not sleep for a week. I could not control my thoughts of failure after a year of trying after my fiance and i broke up. I stared at my computer all week watching emails and emails come in with no desire to respond. Depression has taken over. I decided to take to reddit just to let my feelings out. I am finding work so pointless. Making money for what? To be alone? I had a few friends, they were depressed too getting out of bad situations as well and trying to find love. All of a sudden LAST NIGHT. I HIT THE WORST LOW continuing into today. My friends have all left, two found new fresh love and are on the moon with joy after barely anytime being single (inspired by how happy they saw me talking to that guy) and they took to themselves and found people quickly and enjoying their start and really do not want to deal with depressed me. I was the one being so optimistic to them, telling them they got this and really trying to radiate positive energy. I am happy for them I wanted to see this as the universe showing love around me as if it was close for me too....but the universe slammed me with the same day, another death. Another male friend cut me out because I told him that i did not see a romantic future with him and he kept trying to manipulate me to want the same things. It got ugly. My ex reached out saying he wished he could have loved me but just does not and does not know why he cannot care about me but wished he could. I got so low, made a call to everyone on my phone list that I talk to, and no one was around. I went for run. Talked to a shrink who told me just to meetup with someone and get out. (that is always the advice) No one was around. Walked for 4 hours straight. Called a psychic just to give me some hope, something. Just ended up making me feel worse. I am now sitting on my computer writing on reddit drinking whiskey out of the bottle realizing that I am defeated. I think my depression has won. I tried to overcome all these situations, better myself. \*\*\*Now I am realizing i feel more depressed a year out of my toxic relationship than I ever felt in it. Wishing i had it back because this feels worse. I cannot get myself to work. I am distracted in my mind all day every day. I cannot make myself leave my bed. I feel left behind. Like everyone is moving along and no matter how hard I try. I keep getting kicked. I stare at the ceiling for hours on end. Everything I tried to do to stay positive came collapsing. Donated some money to some charities. Tried to volunteer but I get anxious in groups. Bought some nice things incase I got a date, to make me feel good. Did a juice cleanse to boost my health. Increased my exercise. I was going to my apartment pool, gym, anything to get myself out and about. At this point now. I cannot even get myself to watch tv or a movie, cannot read a book, cannot work. Every time I get a mere boost of energy to be positive I get more news that brings me down. Staring at a phone checking for that message that never comes. The psychic told me to change my energy. I feel like everything I do has failed and I am in such a dark place right now. I see loneliness or the company of people I force myself to be around since I am an introvert and do not connect with just anyone. I cleaned, I decluttered, i did all these positive things. Even feng shui and crystals around the place to create good energy. I thought I had the light at the end of the tunnel after that long weekend, but now, i am at such a low i really cannot get myself out of it. I do not even have those small moments of pulling it together to clean or shower like I did before. I will probably get in trouble at work but I wish I could care but just do not. Happiness should not depend on other people, i know this. But what do you do when nothing brings you joy. I was happy alone for a while, i liked myself, i saw myself as a catch and worthy of love. But now, I just feel kicked and defeated as nothing will ever change and all the men I like do not want me. The men I do not see a connection with romantically try to hurt me. or manipulate me. If life is settling, what is the point. If all there is work and exercise. I just do not see the joy in life. I give up. I am really really sad right now. I feel my life is pointless. Like is life really just holding on every day? There has to be more than just holding on. I was able to work through a lot of things but now I do not feel it. I do not feel like life gets better. I just feel defeated and at the lowest darkness I have ever felt. I overcame things for what? I feel so dark and low. Thanks to whoever is reading this and letting me vent this, long annoying rambling. I have hit my lowest low in life as of today...I just give up",Depression +11832,"I am drunk, likely had too msny random pulls. cannot score any weed. Waiting for a pizza delivery. Want to end it after the pizza. What to do with my life",Depression +11833,"A year ago, I used to talk to people and express myself pretty easily, and whenever Id say something the words would not feel fake, or they would mean what I would say. But ever since school started, last year I have become a husk of what i used to be, I cannot really motivate myself to do anything at all, especially communicate with others, I used to have an urge to talk to others and try to be funny, but it feels like I lost all of that, I feel hollow constantly, and I do not have any personality anymore, whenever I am on call with someone it feels like I am just pretending to be an interesting person, and when I run out of things to say, my mind is empty, and I just sit on call in silence, trying to desperately think of something interesting to say or hold onto. I am talking to this girl and I feel like she is losing interest because of my nonexistent communication skills and its hurting me a lot, I have lost my personality pretty much, I feel like a robot or something trying to imitate a human. Please anyone with advice I need it I feel like I have lost my personality, and I cannot communicate like I used to",Depression +11834,"Alot of noise in my head, alot of people rejecting me for reasons and for no reasons, feel stuck where iam and I cannot escape. What else better than disappear? Feeling that I am going to disappear makes me feel good",Suicidal +11835,"I have a lot of free time and spend most of it on the Internet and I am not even happy with what I am finding. I know you will tell me to go to **therapy**, I have **therapy** next week, several sessions to see if they approve me or not to go every day to a center, but it can pass weeks or months and I am super bored, I do not enjoy playing video games or anything I do not enjoy playing video games, watching movies or books anymore",Depression +11836,Literally have a birth defect that makes me incapable of making friends. I do have a girlfriend who is mentally unhinged that makes my life a living hell but I have zero other options so I stay with her. I just feel alone and that without true friendships and a healthy relationship it is all pointless. How do you continue when everything in your life points to ending it?,Depression +11837,I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate my stupid tucked up brain. I want to punch myself in the gut until I vomit. I want to smack myself in the face. I am disgusted. I love my spouse too much to leave him to find me. I wish someone would just break in and kill me so nobody in my family would have to suffer because of me. I hate this shit. No medicine will help. No doctor will listen they will just commit me. Please end my fucking suffering Might just do it,Suicidal +11838,that is it there is nothing else to say I want to die I want to kill myself,Depression +11839,it is just so depressing. I know that everyone has their own life and all. But when I reach out... first thing is that they care but days/weeks later they do not want to hear anything from me. it is so frustrating... it is really heavy that no one gives a shit about me,Depression +11840,"I have a lot of friends (also really good friends who would probably be there for me), I have a intact family, I received good education, etc., but nothing prepared me for life. I really fucking hate living (was not always like that). I am 19 now and I just do not want to keep on living, basically everyday I wish I was never born, often I think that is stupid because there are good aspects too, but most of the time I am simply sad, exhausted (from Monday - Friday I wake up at 7:00am and start trading, because being rich would help me keep on living). I just want to be successful, work for myself and be independent and I am REALLY trying. But if I do not manage to have 1m in my bank acc at the age of 25 I will kill myself or join the Foreign Legion and wait to be shot in combat. I am what Americans would call popular, but I still simply do not want to keep going it so fucking hard and I just do not want to live the life everyone is living (working 9-5, etc). Just wanted to share because I simply cannot (I could talk to my friends and family but my brain will not let me) talk about what is been on my mind for quite a while now Feeling Lost",Suicidal +11841,"Searching is not a cry for help. This new practice of tech companies creates more stigma and increases feelings of isolation. Also, the National Suicide Prevention hotline hangs up on people all the time. Failing that, people who feel like they have no place to go are immediately met with the same after school special cliches their friends and families would kick out. That is not help or hope. It is ridiculous and inhumane that there is no pathway to communicate with people who look at suicide in a rational and open way. It is never framed around the person in pain. It is always about the repercussions of their actions, which removes the agency of the person considering such an act and casts them as a mere accessory or novelty in the lives of others. The fact that I cannot use the word suicide in any search engine or social media site without being bombarded with anti-suicide propaganda is oppressive",Suicidal +11842,"I have set goals to she would weight , study and get a better job but I keep failing to do those things today I am at a point I want to cry and do something but I do not have the courage to do so, i do not have consistency or concentration to do things.Help pls I fail to do what I want to do",Depression +11843,This is not me bashing on anyone. I am just generally confused why random strangers try to stop someone from ending it? Why do people feel the need to stop someone from committing suicide?,Depression +11844,"I got fired from my job of 5 years in November. It was rather sudden and unexpected. In March I got a job but the hours were not what I wanted and my anxiety was through the roof. I quit before my training ended. Beginning of June I got real sad and decided to apply to a bunch of places got 2 no's. Got a call back for one but I was out of town and unable to make the interview. On our way home I got a call from another place to go in for an interview. That one I was able to make. It was group interview a little nerve raking but I thought I did well. They did too. Two days later they called for a second interview. I went into that one and did well, so well I was offered a higher position than what I was expecting and at full-time which I was also not expecting. Of course I said yes. But now I am not sure if I am ready after all. I started yesterday and it went well. But I am scared I will not like it or that I will let them down and not end up being who they thought I was when they hired me. Or that if I do not like it I will be letting my wife down. What if I made a mistake? My Dr today said we still need to work on my ""what if"" thinking and that maybe I have some imposter syndrome going on. How do you calm your anxiety? I start getting sad for my old job and old friends. And then I think about how much I miss my grandma. I just do not know what to do. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings. New Job Anxiety",Depression +11845,"long story, but here I go (please do not mind my grammar mistakes or if things are said randomly, I dropped out early In my life) I grew up in a really poor family of five, living in a small two bedroom apartment in California. the bedroom was shared by my brother, sister, and I. my father was mentally and physically abusive to my siblings and I including my mother and I realized it when I was 8. it was a really harsh realization at such a young age and it honestly makes me feel like shit knowing I never had a childhood because my parents would never let me outside or have friends over. as I grew older, I realized that I had to grow up early so I always tried my best at everything, tried to get the best grades I could, tried to make friends, tried to be social with people, but it all failed and that is when it all started. I was maybe around 14 when I first started sneaking alcohol and weed I found in my parents room and god it fucked me up so badly.my body could not take any of it, especially the alcohol but I kept coming back to it because I found it to be a temporary escape.soon after, I dropped out due to failing grades and behavioral issues which lead to my worsening downwards spiral.now it is been a couple years and my father died due to heart failure and other complications but I never felt any kind of sadness twords his death, I did not go to his funeral either because I could not bear to look at him. however, all of those feelings I should have felt are now coming back and I feel like absolute shit because I feel like even though he want abusive, I should have built a relationship with him.I spent my whole like being jealous of everyone who has a happy relationship with their fathers and it really fucking pains me to know I never had one with mine. my heart is racing because I am not use to opening up to people but, it is the internet so why not? I have lived with depression and anxiety my entire life and it is been eating me alive it feels like. nothing makes me genuinely happy anymore, not even my cat or my boyfriend of three years and I am honestly thinking of ending it all. I have cheated on my boyfriend and I hate admiring it. it was around 5 months into the relationship when I did it and I honestly feel like shit about it still and I cannot get over it. I hate knowing that I have hurt someone that I claimed to love so badly. it makes me want to end it all. I use more than weed now too, and it makes me feel worse. I have tried to overdose four times recently but all have failed and god, what am I going to do if I cannot even successfully kill myself? please help me. I know suicide is not the only way but it feels right because of everything I have done. I might delete this later, I am kind of high right now I have hit what seems to be rock bottom",Depression +11846,"Why did i have to be gay? Why did i have to be autistic? Why do i have to have such a disgusting body? I am really fucking pathetic, and I am sure everybody else clearly sees that too. Nobody likes autistic anti-social faggots like me, and that is completely fine, i do not deserve shit. If i was not such a pussy, id do everybody the favour of fucking ending it already Why did i turn out like this?",Suicidal +11847,"Once I had depression 3 years ago, the reason I wanted to kill myself was because suicide was the only way to get out of the pain that I was fighting. Nowadays, things have changed. I want to live and avoid pain but I must kill myself because I found that I am the very person that meets conditions of a man whom I want to kill.There are several things that help me realize that I must kill myself, but in summary, it is because I could have been a better person in any aspectbetter job, better human relationship, more money, and a lot morebut I have not tried and I will not try. 3 years ago I compared myself to others(mostly my schoolmates who already graduated and got jobs), but now I compare myself to 'the better me' that I could have been. The counselor I met when I got depression for the first time told me to compare myself to 'the worse me' in the past rather than others; but it seems like to work in the wrong way.One major symptom is that I call myself as a third person in my brain. When I swear at myself I do not think like 'Why am I such a shitty ass' but 'Why is John Doe such a shitty ass'. Feels quite weird, when someone insults me and that guy is also me. Of course it is painful. And logically, I have no reason to stop swearing because my father told me not to harm others and I am not one in that 'others' so swearing at myself is not harming others. Not blaming my father tho, for he is the best man I know. I am just abusing his lesson.Of course I have a dream of a happy life in my own way. This is what throws me into a deeper pain because every time I dream of it I found that I will not be able to get.As I wrote in the title I do not want to die and I know that no one truly wants to die. That is why I wrote this here, to throw away the black goo which sticks onto my brain.&#x200B;Btw is this well written enough to read? I rewrote this several times until I cannot make this better but still it looks rambling. Any insult will be appreciated. I do not want to kill myself, but I must and someday I will.",Suicidal +11848,I am not fucking exaggerating i do not have a fucking life no social life or hobbies just watching YouTube sleeping jerking off or attempting to do something and fail. or a make 40 posts on reddit and no one cares or mocks me. why cannot i just fucking cut mu wrists open and bleed out and be done with it? i do not enjoy this. I am more bitter and hateful every single day and when i come back to school il be a fucking ass to everyone and act wierd. i was looking up sucide pills and guns and drugs on thor browser because in want to die. every fucking thing in my life goes wrong somehow and fuck you if you say otherwise fuck you fuck you. i cannot enjoy anything at all and i want to hurt myself eikjwwefgbhjbgdesahgjbsgyhbjaswedgvhbzdsghbvashbvg i do not have a life no on fucking cares,Suicidal +11849,To every single one of you all who felt the jackboot of mental illness on your throat today and still showed up... I am so goddamned proud of you.Maybe you went to work and made eye contact with other people and had lunch with a co-worker and saved all of your tears for the ride home.Maybe you waited until your kids were asleep before you broke down.Maybe you cried in front of your daughter.Maybe you locked yourself in your bedroom and looked at memes.Maybe you had too much to drink and texted your ex.Maybe you listened to so many Jason Isbell songs that those ugly tears falling all over your face turned into mascara streaked catharsis.Maybe you hid under the covers and watched Netflix and did not see another soul.Maybe you hid when you heard your doorbell ring.Maybe you kissed a stranger at a bar. Maybe you went grocery shopping and wondered why everyone else looked so much happier than you.Maybe you clung to your cat.Maybe you fell in love.Maybe you moved on. Maybe you ate too much even though you feel like a worthless piece of fat shit.Maybe you did not eat at all. Maybe you got up and brushed your teeth.Maybe you did not.Maybe the only fucking thing you did today was stay alive.Every single word of what I just said means that someone showed up.You showed up and lived your fucking life in spite of the knot in your stomach. You lived. You participated in life.And where there is life there is hope.Stay cool. I see you,Depression +11850,I cannot stand that people see me. I am gross and ugly and I am sure they all notice and are disgusted by me. They are forced to see my side profile and my face ugly face. I cannot stand people even seeing that I existI do not like going out places with people because I feel bad for them to be seen with me I cannot stand going out in public because I do not want to be perceived,Depression +11851,i hate feeling like this. I am so scared of losing my boyfriend and the 2 friends i have. i struggle so much all the time its so tiring I am 19 with no job and cannot drive because of anxiety i feel like such a failure I am so scared my bf is going to leave me because of that its constantly on my mind 24/7 its driving me crazy. on top of that I am so sad I am so so sad I am so anxious everyday life does not feel worth living if i have to deal with this forever. I am so scared of being alone I am so tired,Suicidal +11852,I cannot laugh at funny parts in movies when I am alone. How come we only laugh at movies only when were with others?,Depression +11853,I tried to suffocate myself the other day and of course I could not succeed. I just feel like a worthless burden to my friends and family. they would be better off without me I am sick and tired of being alive,Suicidal +11854,You know its bad when you cannot even muster up the energy for s-h. I really want to talk to someone about but I cannot because they will just send me to a hospital Self-Harm,Depression +11855,"I am a failure. I failed my mom, I failed my dad, I failed the girl I liked and most importantly I failed myself. I use to be in this sub to understand others, maybe I will build some empathy and love myself more or at least forgive myself for my mistakes. I have always tried to do good, I swear. But life keeps fucking me in the ass with no lube. I try to act normal, go out with friends, work harder, learn new things but I feel everything is just an act. I still feel empty, with no clear path to follow. I am just a tragedy. I never noticed it but all the signals were always there. there is no time during the day or night I feel painless. I am really trying but fuck man it is as if God or idk who the fuck is in charge (assuming there is someone) is just making fun of me, making my struggles bigger day by day. I am young, in less than a year I would have graduated from a top tier uni and hopefully things will improve. But is not the prospect of a better life that keeps me from harming myself. But that of my family, friends and her. Most of them do not even know what is going on. The ones who know kind of understand and tell me that it will make me stronger. Thing is, I am so tired of being strong. I am just weak and pathetic. The idea of doing it keeps popping in my head, but I will keep fighting. If I decide that is is not worth the fight anymore, that I want to be a coward and do not care about my love ones. Here is the proof that I do. I care more about them than I care about me. I will give my life for all of them. There is NO escape",Suicidal +11856,"I do not know why I am so damn emotional tbh; weekends have not really held a lot of significance in my life. Probably feeling this awful because I know this could be the last, and lasts...ugh. I miss the firsts. I suppose I will not have any from now- unless first successful suicide attempt counts, lol.do not know what the point of this post, or that of anything at all, is. I guess what I want to say is enjoy your firsts, try to atleast. Yeah. that is about it. Hopefully my last weekend.",Suicidal +11857,"I cannot take it any longer. Growing up had his ups and downs, my family was always great. Lost a few dear family members, lost my best friend at the age of 5.Growing up, I found out my dad has HIV, my mom lost a baby (always dreamt of having a Lil bro or sis) and had loads of issues, to the point where she needed surgery because her ovarians were full of tumors, lost my grandma, grandpa, my dad had an heart attack during those times.I had a 3 month girlfriend who got pregnant, I took the responsibility even though we did not knew each other enough. My son is now 2 years old and its the only thing I love about life. My girlfriend makes my life a living hell and I cannot take her shit anymore. Just today she admitted that she does not love me. I found out that she was having intimate conversations with some ex through social media too.I cannot be with her anymore, but cannot even imagine not being with my boy everyday. Just thinking about staying with her makes me want to die. I just want to be with my son, that is all I need. I need my boy man. I need him to be with me or else I cannot take this.I am a mess and so is this post. Just venting trying to avoid suicidal thoughts. My parents do not deserve to lose a kid. My kid does not deserve to lose his dad. I do not know what to do I am drowning I HATE MY LIFEI HATE SOCIETYFUCK EVERYTHING I cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +11858,"nothing even went through my mind at that point, I was just like ""huh, this object looks sharp. eternal sleep is sounding pretty good to me right now"" and I cut down to white. I am lucky the cut was not deep and i did not cut close enough to a veinhow can I even try to keep myself alive? sure life is full fucking pain and agony right now, but jesus christ. I have nobody to talk to who is actually there for me in my life, especially not my family went down to my kitchen for some food, next thing I know I fucking attempted suicide",Suicidal +11859,How do one know that they are in depression? Are these feelings show any sign :- I do not want to live anymore- I want to leave my family behind and live a new life - I want to live like a homeless person- I do not want to meet my friends Depression?,Depression +11860,"Hey! I forgot the password to my previous account, so ill be using this one from now on.Its been a rough few months, jumping from one antidepressant to another and so on, colleges been rough as well (the finals have ruined me) and i have not been accepted into Mensa (which was honestly the last straw).I hope you all have some advice for me, and i hope that this post finds you well, i hope that you are having an okay day today. Its not okay",Depression +11861,"What can I do to escape from this feeling?I feel fear of how to be alive because I lost and I do not have any confidence to overcome any of the struggle in life. I feel like I suck at everything.I quit my job again my superviser hates me because I hate that job desperately and he figured that out. I just thought that work was like a totally waste of time I just need some amount of money. And he talked too much stuff meaningless every single day. He was the most talkative person ever I have met in my life and what he said hurts me a lot. he had the opposite perspective for everything like what is the meaningful and how to live, etc. He always tried to persuade me and urge me to agree to his opinion. I eventually lost my patience. I could not stand anymore that situation repeated everyday so I quit.I do not know why but I still feel tired. just tired and depressed because I know that I fail to deal with that difficulties again to become a person well-communicated. I failed again. I feel empty",Depression +11862,So normal day normal depression but like extra depressed today. I do not know why but i tried cutting myself to feel something and that shit hurts af i will not be doing this again ouvhh how can people do this like i have enough pain already why this stupid extra pain I cut myself today because i was bored,Depression +11863,"my whole life has been a ball of trauma mostly sexual abuse, rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse. i recently had a miscarriage and that was the straw that broke the camels back. i never really have learned how to process anything that happens to me, it kind of just sits on top of one another.for the last 5 years I have been very unstable, not being able to keep a job bc I am always so mentally ill. i just got a new job when i found out i was pregnant, a week later i miscarried at work and now i cannot even think about going to work without wanting to kill myself. on top of working being an issue , it is now a trigger. but my suicidal urges have been a lot more often and my drinking has been getting out of control. as an impulsive person, i knew it would not well. i reached out to my therapist last night and she called me & then called crisis this morning so i can go for an evaluation. i need the help. i feel like there is something seriously wrong that needs fixing. i hate that the people around me keep telling me to grow up and do what i have to do in life. like, hello? nothing i do will ever be 100% if I am not 100%. i have to get the right kind of help so i can function normally. i do not even know what normal is anymore. i can barely get out of bed or find a reason to live, never mind go to work and pretend I am ok when I am not. anyway, i hope something gives. thanks for reading. I am losing control but i thankfully reached out for help",Depression +11864,"nothing even went through my mind at that point, I was just like ""huh, this object looks sharp. eternal sleep is sounding pretty good to me right now"" and I cut straight to white. I am lucky the cut was not deep and i did not cut close enough to a veinhow can I even try to keep myself alive? sure life is full fucking pain and agony right now, but jesus christ. I have nobody to talk to who is actually there for me in my life, especially not my family I went down to my kitchen for some food, next thing I know I fucking attempted suicide",Depression +11865,"This has been a horrible week. Yesterday I lost my job and its all my fault. I suffer from major depression and anxiety. I would been on medication but since I would changed jobs, I had to stop taking them because the insurance at my new job has not kicked in yet. It would have August 1. So I have been off it because it was just too expensive for me to buy. I have been feeling horrible and just angry and pissed off. I take full responsibility for my actions because it was not the job but me. I could not get myself motivated enough while at work so the shift supervisor was critzing my work. I was getting upset and arguing with her and anyone else who was trying to help me. I was not even sure how long I was going to last, to be honest. The boss pulled me into her office yesterday morning and informed me she would had received too many emails about my behavior. I was told I needed to change my behavior or I would be fired. I just started there on June 21 and I already had too many complaints against me. My heart nor my head were into the job and I decided to quit. I already knew I would not make it. I hate feeling this way. However, I was so depressed I could not get myself to commit to the job. It was night shift which I do not like but at the time I needed the job. Lost my job Yesterday",Depression +11866,"I thought it was getting better. I must be fucking braindead. How do I convince myself of such absolute untruths? It will never get better. I could not be any more painfully aware of this, yet I still manage to periodically find myself falling for idealist fantasies in which every waking moment of life is not pain. Every time I do this the crashing pain of returning to reality drives me one step closer to finally doing what I know is right. Why do I continue to live like this? I have no reason to suffer as I do, yet I live on. Is it masochism? Stupidity? Guilt? I do not fucking know. The only thing I can be confident in is knowing my time on this earth will inevitably be cut short by my own hands and nothing brings me such solace and joy as that thought. I thought it was getting better..",Suicidal +11867,I am really here all because 17 years ago two idiots were horny and wanted to fuck...what a sad reality. Wow...,Suicidal +11868,"I have had a problem with building **intimacy** for **years** now. I have had a problem with cheating. I have had a problem with **obsessing** over my partner. **Becoming** my partner that I cannot focus on my likes and dislikes. I have **2 failed engagements** and **cheated** on **everyone** I ever been with in some **form**. they are attractive **people** and for the most part **sane**. All **older** than me by about 4-9 years. I **realized** I could not keep **hurting** people I **loved** or **claimed** to and I began self-improvement (not a fan of that word). I took time to learn skills by taking leadership courses online, learning Arabic, serious fitness training, trading securities, Biblical studies, competition running, cycling, significantly increasing my income and helping my family etc. I did not involve myself with a partner for about 1.5 years neither relationally nor romantically.***More Background but not relevant:***I reached a point of what others may consider ""success"". I purchased a rental property and had enough in liquid funds that I do not worry about living expenses as much as I use to. I felt disciplined and in-control but also like something was missing. I have youth, energy, but lack time as I know it will end one day and I will age. I see myself as an observer and do not attract many people socially. I have not put much effort into (romantic or social) relationships most of them have gravitated towards me. I do not know if it is my stare or my looks but I do know I struggle expressing myself verbally at times. Most of the people I tend to avoid are those that bring aggression or some form of untreated resentment. I cannot tolerate a whiner or someone who believes they are better than someone else because of something material or circumstances they had no control over.***Boom COVID and Quarantine:***I realized the world is not meant for solitude and I craved interaction even if it was meaningless conversation about weather. I met a person online that I felt comfortable with going steady we saw each other casually for about 8 months before I proposed something steady, I told this person about my past and trust issues. Childhood, etc. I have been in a relationship with this person for about 10 months now and my thoughts are re-surfacing. I find myself of scenarios that play out and then start feeling as if they are true.***Adding color:***I work from home and I go to the gym every day after work. During work I could be focused on a task and once the task is complete my mind does not know what my partner is doing and it bothers me when I do not receive constant communication. I do not want to be needy anymore. I find myself thinking of driving to where they live to observe them just to check they are not cheating or something. I find myself thinking of entering their social media pages to read messages etc.***My ask:***What can I do to lessen these thoughts and let go? I tried prayer, I tried meditation, I tried learning hobbies, focusing on myself and being okay with being cheated on. I do not know what else to do as it is becoming a constant pattern in my relationships. So much so that I do not know if I can continue my current relationship without hurting the person without intentions but through my thoughts becoming reactions.tldr; I choose to cheat on people I love and get annoyed with putting up with them after a certain point. I focus on the initial stages a lot but then have trouble with my own likes/dislikes that I start adopting their likes/dislikes and get depressed. I want to stop the cheating and I want to build a normal healthy relationship but I do not know what steps to take. I have been to therapy, yoga, took meditation courses, I am a Christian, pray A LOT, exercise, etc. is it depression or something worse?",Depression +11869,"I am leaving my difficulties of thinking, talking with my friends about my problems is helping me more but I still having my intrusive thoughts and it is hard to control, sometimes I think it is my fault. what i can do to control me? me again",Depression +11870,"I have reached acceptance. I feel sucked dry and empty inside. I would never kill myself because I care about the people around me too much, but, I would not be upset if something happened to me. I think something is severely wrong with my brain, I do not know how to love and all of my thoughts just feel wrong. Even when I was little I would imagine developing a terminal illness, so I could feel taken care of. These thoughts just make me feel so bad about myself. If I could I would give my life to someone who is suffering.My worst fear is getting in a car accident and surviving. I am ready",Suicidal +11871,"I know having suicidal thoughts is a hallmark symptom of clinical depression, but does anyone get these thoughts very intensely? its like the thoughts are not even my own. When I am feeling low, Ill just get these very abrupt, extreme suicidal thoughts that almost feel like strong urges. I would never do that but they are freaking me out. Extreme, intrusive suicidal thoughts?",Depression +11872,"I cannot fucking take it anymore. Its all too much. Work, friendships, relationships, family its all going downhill and has been for years and I do not care enough to fix any of it. I am tired, I am exhausted all the time even after a full nights sleep. I do not want to do this anymore. I want it all to go away. I do not want help. I do not want to be saved. I want to be euthanized. Somebody please take me off this planet please I am going to do it.",Suicidal +11873,"I am depressed, I have been taking mitrazapine antidepressant for 1 year, it still seems like I am not real. An SSRI antidepressant was also prescribed. Is it safe to take two antidepressants together? does not serotonin syndrome come out of it? My scippa ( *escitalopram* ) daily dose 5 mg, i just hold the two together a bit to make six.** Depression? Mitrazapine+Scippa(SSRI)(escitalopram) Combation Safe?",Depression +11874,"I was a good kid all my life. Never got into any trouble, got good grades, was doing what I was ""supposed to do"". High school was the highest point in my life! I was the conventional smart kid and got into an alright university. I thought college would be great but instead I started losing friends (mostly because I did not keep in touch as I was always ""too busy""). I made several acquaintances in college, but just one of them is close enough to me to call a friend. Now that I will actually be graduating college, I have realised I have done nothing but waste my 4 years. I spent 4 years feeling sorry for myself for getting into a ""bad university"" (which it was not as bad as I thought in my head). Now here is everyone graduating with one of the best jobs this world could offer for my stream and I am here feeling sorry for myself. I stopped taking meetings with the companies that were actually interested in me because I felt I was better than that. I feel like I did everything right, and I even sacrificed friendship for this career and it did not seem to work out as well.Now even the companies like the ones that I refused to talk to will not respond back. Every morning I apply to a 100 jobs and get a shitty automated reply a week later saying how they do not want to hire me. I cannot afford myself any longer. Moreover I do not think I would have any respect back home going back as an unemployed person.Four years ago, I promised my mom I would help her move to bigger house after I get my job. But 4 years ago, I was a smart kid (at least in my head). I have not graduated yet. And by the looks of it in the time I would be, I probably will be unemployed and without friends. I cannot go back to my old friends without seeming like a freeloader who talks to them only when in trouble and I do not think I have to face to go back the same small house my mom always complained about saying ""hey look mom, I am unemployed and useless"". The pandemic certainly has not helped. Even if I do get a job, it will probably be a shitty job, given my condition now, where I will just be a cog in a machine from which I would probably less than a few pennies. Maybe life's just like that. No one's getting that big house. No one's getting anything they want. everyone is just smiling and lying through their teeth about how happy they are while they are sad people just one incident away from jumping from a cliff. Maybe that is just my perspective. Maybe I am wrong. I do not know. But I certainly am sure about one this. I am not going back home with this face. Last I have been happy was 5 years ago. Nothing to look forward to in life!",Suicidal +11875,I am so jealous everyday I am lonely as fuck and everyone and I mean EVERYONE ik is not because they are so likeable and attractive and I am the opposite. I cannot handle seeing them date ppl I fell on love with and getting hurt over and over again. If I have to watch one more stupid couple be happy I am just going to do myself the favor and jump off the bridge. I cannot take it,Suicidal +11876,"My life is worthless, everyday i realize that i have nothing. there is no more hope, my mind is too sick at this point. I do not see anything positive anymore. I am so suicidal today, i think i lost everything and no matter what i do nothing changes",Depression +11877,"I have accepted it by now, I am going to kill myself. I am a high school senior now and my one goal is to graduate. Then I can go knowing I did something worthwhile. Ready",Suicidal +11878,"Everyone is tired of talking to me, nobody is responding my posts or texts, I am just a drain on everyone. I am so negative and bitter and unhappy, I have nothing but pain and anger pent up within meIm lonely, I am sad, I feel like a burden on others and everyone is just tired of me. Everything feels pointless in my life, I work in retail and stuck in it, I work every weekend while everyone else gets to do things and have fun. I cannot afford my own apartment, I have no idea how to live on my own, I do not have a car, I am still single and cannot find a date to save my life, I cannot afford college or a masters/grad schoolIm a Grade A loser, I feel so alone and hopeless that I could cry. Everyone wants everybody else to be positive and outgoing, partners want their prospective date to be equally ambitious and fun and I am none of these things I am so tired Nobody cares",Depression +11879,"I just understand something with the love I feel for girls. I just love, giving to me attention and making me feel special, like I worth something because as an introvert I cannot understand that alone. Feeling so much for a girl is good, and better showing to her that. As a man, I like making a girl to smile. It makes me a better man, as a better person, because a girl's smile worth much more from my happiness. A happy girl's face, worth my soul. Worth me.... :) I need someone to read this",Suicidal +11880,"I(22M) live with my mother. She has sacrificed a lot for me but she has been very toxic for me(keeps shouting on me and throws things when angry, does not let me have my privacy) which has made me frustrated. I want to move out but I get depressed if I am alone for long, which gets me to the point of being suicidal. I have tried this before so I know where it can get me. So I asked my bf to move in with me but he denied giving some lame reason, and said that we will live together later. He visits me whenever I have a big break down(in a month or so) but I want to have some solution for my situation, I do not want to have big depressive episodes time and again. it is hampering my career. I do not have any friends and even if I tell someone, they just ignore it and say things like: ""do not be depressed, I know it is hard"". Honestly, I feel lifeless now and just want to be away from everyone, since it feels like no one wants to actually help. I do not know what to do in order to uplift my spirits. I break down after every 10-11 days and cannot put up with the toxic environment. Maybe I am wrong to expect things from people. I was hurt the most by my bf's reaction but I know I am wrong to expect since it is a big thing to ask for. Unable to get out of toxic environment.",Depression +11881,"In these days everyone is allowed to be whoever they want to be. There are so many rights out there. What about the right not to exist? I have been unhappy with life for 34 years. there is been no change with countless amount of ways to try and change things. As I am reading the headlines of the posts here I just see unhappy people that do not belong here on earth. I get if you depressed when you very young then there is still hope but at 38? No ways it is going to change.To loosely quote Doug Stanhope ""if the first half of the movie you watch sucks, it is highly likely the next half will suck as well.""I wish there was a natural way we can choose not to be. I understand it is unfair to love one's but what happens if you do not have any love one's? Why is suicide so frowned upon?",Suicidal +11882,"27yo Male, good life experiences including backpacking Vietnam, visited Paris and Barcelona, enjoyed cities like Nashville, Boston, Montreal, Scottsdale, moved to FL with my gf at 25 on a whim. Successful sales career making six figures since 21, averaged a new car every 9 months and currently own 5. On my second home owned which is valued at $500k. Working on opening my first business now. [I wanted to include this because I feel people that know me on the outside assume I would be extremely happy with my life and my successes, but if anything it is caused me more pain and loneliness and THINGS are not the answer to anyone's depression. Also do not assume the people that appear to be in good places, really are in their mind, we just bandaid our problems with stuff to hide our problems from ourselves]I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life, as early as 3rd grade I can remember pitifully trying to strangle myself with a balloon string (sounds silly how unrealistic that was looking back). I have tried ecstacy a handful of times but never in conjunction with peaks of depression and anxiety. After almost 8 years in the car business which definitely worsened my depression/anxiety significantly, i left to explore myself and start my own business which really took a toll on myself. This worsened since I took myself off of buproprion and sertraline 5 months ago after losing my insurance. Recently my girlfriend and I decided to do some ecstacy with just us at home, it was extremely therapeutic in regard to my mental health. There are 100% health downsides I am sure to this, but for my extremely infrequent use I am not worried about the downsides. here is how it helped me.To describe my mental health state prior to, I felt very empty and constantly in fight or flight. I have very little enjoyment in anything and found myself breaking down and crying more often to a breaking point. Why was I breaking down and crying? Because I felt so guilty thinking how badly I wish I could just disappear and how unfair it was to tell my sister who just had her first child that I did not want to be there to watch him grow. Or to tell my girlfriend that i do not want to start our life and family together because I would rather be gone. To clarify, i do not want to hurt or kill myself. But i cried even harder because I also was so destroyed realizing that the only answer is to stay and feel so empty and useless for the sake of everyone else which meant a life of pain for me. There was no winning.When we did ecstacy it allowed me to feel again (assuming a Seratonin pump) and it allowed me to appreciate. I was able to hold my girlfriend and just feel joy, feel how much she meant to me and how much i enjoyed her presence. It allowed me to remember what made life worth living, what happiness was like. I was able to work through all those thoughts inside with a fresh palate and an open mind. I was able to address things with myself that i was afraid to address. Think ways that I have not been able to for a long time. I had a shit eating grin the entire time and just felt so alive again. The next day was even better because it was a much lesser baseline but just enough to get through the day with the ability to feel good. Eventually the euphoria went away but my mind was at ease. Just because the ""high"" stopped, i was still able to work through my thoughts with myself and affirm my reasoning for being around. Unlike other drugs, you will likely remember your experience from ecstacy and similar drugs so that you can take away your thoughts with you. All in all, if you are in a very stuck place and unable to crawl out, i honestly feel a controlled experience like this may be good to let you revisit your life from a new perspective again and reason your way out of your hole. I am curious to hear people's opinions on this, either for or against. Happy to answer questions as well. Anyone use Ecstacy while depressed? My experience.",Depression +11883,"Hi everyone. I have recently been struggling with very shallow suicidal thoughts. Feeling low and considering what I would write in a suicide note but would not actually do it yet. I have not suffered with depression and so I want to try get the help I need by chatting to someone and get these feelings of my chest before I do something stupid. Although I have great friends who I know would be there for me, I do not want to put something like this onto them. On the other hand, I would never forgive myself for taking a line from someone who really needs it with a really vital service like Samaritans. Is there any service like the Samaritans where you can chat to people but that is not such an emergency service? My daughter has had good experiences with Childline before but I am an adult so obviously that would not work. I am in Northern Ireland if things are location specific. Thank you in advance! Question about support",Suicidal +11884,"Hi,I am in a rough place right now with no one to turn to, so here is hoping typing it out will make a difference.A bit of background: I am nearly 30, and I suffer from anxiety and depression. My natural response to my anxiety is getting lost in my computer - games, movies, Reddit.. When I am distracted I am not anxious. So I isolate myself. As the anxiety creeps closer, I close off to the world. I spend all my waking hours in front of my computer. I do not go out, not even to shop. Isolation and depression are the best of friends, so any motivation to do even the simplest stuff goes out the window. I do not cook. I order junk food, because cooking is too much. So I sit on my ass and get fatter, hating myself more and more, knowing I am in a vicious cycle, but feeling absolutely powerless to help it.Now, I know the last 18 months have been crazy, but I would have isolated myself nonetheless. So, things are not going great, but last week they went from bad to worse. I became homeless. I saw it coming, but sadly my area has a bit of a housing crisis. I could not even get a spot at a homeless shelter.So, as you might imagine, being homeless with crippling anxiety and depression, having only been outside twice the last 18 months, that was a bit rough.Luckily I managed to secure a couch, but having no family and with friendships having been neglected, due to my isolation, it was a very close call on me sleeping on the streets.Today, I got my new apartment. 250km from everyone and everything I have ever known. Unable to yet secure transport for my stuff, I am sitting on the floor writing this and I will be sleeping on the floor for the next while.Reality has caught up to me and hit me like a ton of bricks. As I am sitting here on the floor contemplating just how much I fucked up my life, it all feels a bit hopeless. It is so hard not to have a single person in your life that you can rely on.So here I sit all alone. Feeling like the biggest loser in the world and without even a bed to crawl into and try to forget my problems. What do normal people do when they get this sad?",Depression +11885,"I am at my wits end. I grew up in a broken home, parents who physically fought and abused drugs and alcohol. I was abandoned by my parents as a teenager and had to look after myself and meet my physical needs from the age of 13 - I had no one to give me love and emotional support - for that I turned to unhealthy habits. I grew up hanging out with a bad crowd and we were taken advantage of by an adult we should have trusted. I have made terrible decisions about people I let into my life because I was not shown what a healthy relationship was, I have witnessed my best friend drown, I have lost countless friends and family members before I even turned 20. Yet, somehow I climbed out of these dark holes, I am nearly thirty and still learning how to take care of myself - adult things that no one showed me. I studied at someone of the top universities in my field, have experience career-wise so am able to get a job to feed myself and put a roof over my head. I have travelled extensively and currently live abroad - my friends often express their envy of my life. But the thing is I am miserable, I am tired of it all I want the memories to leave I want the pain to stop. I have been to therapy but the memories do not go they are still there and I do not want them anymore. I figure I have two options to end it all and forget - or pack my backs live a life free from any worry - these options feel like two sides of the same coin for me. Because if I end it all I might as well ignore the all-consuming anxiety that takes over my life. I am so over it. I just wish I had a better start in life instead of continually being dragged down by my blacken-heart. Life has been hard and I want to forget it",Suicidal +11886,What is the easiest least painful way to off yourself Easiest way to,Depression +11887,That feel when.. you lose 35 + lbs then you get prescribed meds that make you gain it all back. FML . Oh well I am ugly regardless Tfw,Depression +11888,"I am not sad or happy or anything. I kind of want to go back to when I was extremely miserable. I do not even feel hurt when I am injured. If I do feel something, its barely there. I do not know what is happening. I do not feel anything",Depression +11889,"I do not want to be here anyway, but I always hated the idea of suddenly not being there for him. Cats will not necessarily understand the difference between you abandoning them and you killing yourself - and that is always grounded me in my lowest moments. Without that though, I do not know. he is sick right now and I will spend as much money as it takes to help him, but I cannot think about what life will be like if he does not make it. If my cat dies, I will have no reason to live",Depression +11890,"Two days ago, I had my first mental breakdown at work because I was blamed for everything for a mistake which in my opinion was not my fault, crying for 15 minutes (at home, homeoffice)Let me summarize what happened. I am a sales (not manager) guy, and I am in charge of pricing and getting orders from my customers and especially maintaining the situation for new/R&D projects and its sample phases. I have one senior (manager) colleague from purchasing who is in charge of purchase and she is responsible for preparing stock. So we have to (unfortunately) keep in touch and work together as she needs to know the project situation from my customers and prepare stock accordingly.So, in beginning of this year, my customer gave me information of the material list and that SOP is scheduled for November 2021. The lead times for us to prepare is long (40+ weeks), thus my colleague keeps asking me if she should issue orders to our suppliers. As I did not want to go for any risks, I warned my customer about the lead times and said they should release firm orders to us, so I have a commitment and know they will buy the stuff we prepare. My customer kept saying the list is still not finalized but the list would go to the forecast soon and release order soon and they are aware of the lead times. I explained to my colleague to only order if we have something firm and she agrees, and says she would wait until the list of items are in our customer's purchase list/forecast in their system.Still, in mid of 2021 we still have not received any firm orders and I kept pushing my customer every week. The only reply was, that orders will come soon. Then, last week I received feedback from my customer that the list got smaller and only 4 of the 10 original items are needed (Still no order from customer). At the moment my colleague told our director that we actually already issued order to our supplier (to my surprise) for the 10 items and I am at fault for now having dead stock because I am bad at managing this. Furthermore, She kept asking and harassing me why the customer did not release any orders despite SOP is November. I told her I explained to the customer many times and they said they understand the situation and will wait with the lead time. Furthermore, it is not our fault if the customer does not release orders when we explained them many times the conditions. Well, she did not care or give a fuck.So after that my colleague harassed me for being bad at this job and managing poorly and being fault for having dead stock now (SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR PURCHASES TO OUR SUPPLIERS!!!!), she of course snitched and complained at out managing director and blamed everything on me. Because I am quite the small fry compared to her in the company hierarchy, the director at first believed only her story and continued criticizing me. Every try of me to explain that I told her to only order when there is commitment from customer, and that we did not know the list of materials was still pending until last week, was seen as a poor excuse. My director looked for reasons to blame me, such as it was also my responsibility to oversee what is ordered and to tell the customer they need to buy our stuff if we already prepare that for them. When I tried to say we should not have ordered at the first place which is her responsibility, I was just shut down.After that I just hoped to die with my 30 years instantly. I was just frustrated of everything and wanted to cease to exist and cried in the corner for 15 minutes.... I think this is what we call power harassment in the office and I guess I was the victim... Never felt so miserable but I think this is unfortunately quite common in work life. I am at this company now for 4 years and I realized the senior purchasing colleague is a bigshot because she is good at maintaining her juniors low and never letting anyone overtake her. She keeps all the difficult work for herself so that no one can replace her. So unfortunately, even if she has problems with some colleagues, she is not easily replaceable.Today my superior helped me and we had a 2 hour meeting with my director explaining what I did for this project since 2020 and made clear that I never supported the idea to order stuff without commitment from customer. Thank god, after that my director believed me and said he will check why our purchasing team ordered the stuff....But still, I still feel miserable for being blamed and that senior colleague from purchasing of mine will for sure continue to do so next time and blame everyone for little mistakes as long as she benefits from that...I used to be such a motivated man when I started working, now I just realize how fuckup this worklife can be.... First mental breakdown at work and cried for 15 minutes",Depression +11891,"i genuinely cannot remember the last time i was actually happy and not tired. everyday i wake up exhausted. i can sleep for 8 hours and ill still be exhausted after i wake up. if i go to bed at a normal time (around 3 or 4am) ill only be able to sleep for about 3 hours and ill wake up at 7am or something similar to that. then ill try to stay up for as long as possible but feel so fucking tired! if i go to sleep earlier than that, say, 10-11pm, ill wake up at 2 or 3am and will not be able to go back to sleep. what is even worse is I am in the middle of a move, i really do not want to go because its in the middle of nowhere. i wish my dad would take custody of me or something. on the other hand, i have to watch my 21 year old brother who has autism and is also mute. my parents failed at raising all of us children, especially him. he cannot function without someone, he cannot do something as simple as sitting in the living room without sneaking into the kitchen to raid everything he can find. they never taught him how to communicate. i hate that its all on me. I am the third parent. my dad was raped before he even turned double digits and is stuck in the same mindset as he was when he was raped. my whole childhood was my mother chasing after my sister who was trafficked, on drugs all the time, even just running away from home. i wish my mom never had us stupid fucking children when she has even said herself she does not want to be a parent anymore. i felt abandon by her. before someone says anything about therapy, i have tried and tried to get a therapist and have had them before. i was doing outpatient, i think it was, they would take me out of my house to walk around, try and help my anxiety by going into stores and talking to the cashiers, stuff like that. my mom did not like that at all, she would say that they are just babying me. I have made it such a habit to not open up whatsoever, especially to my mother, and when i do TRY to open up, i feel disgusting and cringey saying how i feel. i try distancing myself from people because no matter how someone speaks to me, i always get irritated and feel like i could punch a whole through the wall. living with my mother would be an absolute fucking nightmare and I am seriously thinking about killing myself either before i have to move or when I am there. I have told her so many times how much i do not want to go and she will not let me stay with my father. I am sorry about how shitty i typed all of this and i probably sound dramatic as hell but none of you know me so I am okay with thisi guess. extremely unorganized rant about how my life is going.",Depression +11892,"I do not know if some of you remember me, but I did a post a few days back here -> [Can we talk about the less obvious symptoms of depression?]( summarized now all the symptoms you have written down in the comment section. Why I do it is because for years I was beating myself up for those less obvious symptoms, because I was not aware that it goes hand in hand with depression and thought I was simply mentally and emotionally weak, compared to everybody else. Since I had this epiphany that it might be directly associated to depression, I understand my mind much better, which I find to be helpful for myself. This leads me to have more compassion for myself and knowing, that this is not necessarily who I am. It has often been pointless trying to solve those problems (which I was trying to do for years), because as long as I am/was depressed, there was literally *nothing* I could do about those less obvious symptoms. it is like working hard for having no results, and then hating myself for not making any progress at all. So I hoped to help some of the people here too.Disclaimer:This list does not serve to be self-diagnosed and many of the points do not have to have anything to do with depression.Again: these are the LESS OBVIOUS SYMPTOMS. So for example sadness, exhaustion, numbness or lack of appetite are not listed, since those would be the better-known symptoms.&#x200B;COGNITIVE ABILITIES* Memory loss * Reduced focus capacity* Problems with learning * Catatonia * Less intelligent* Inability to read* Derealization / Dissociation* Negative change in executive functioning EMOTIONS + FEELINGS* Indecisiveness (even for the smallest and less important decisions) * Shame / feeling embarrassed* Guilt* Bitterness* Irritation / anger* Anxiety* Impulsiveness * Frozen (emotionally, mentally and physically)* Restless * Overwhelmed by the smallest things (emotionally, mentally and physically) SELF IMAGE* Low self-esteem * Self-loathing* Everything is my fault* Loss of identity * Fixating on physical appearance * Consistent and relentless negative self talk* Self-doubt* Imposter-syndrome PHYSICAL* Sexual impotence / asexual / very low libido* Insomnia / sleeping issues / sleep deprivation* Lack of hygiene * Losing sense of taste* Gastrointestinal symptoms * Physical aches * Physical discomfort * Headaches / Feeling like an anchor pushes on your head * Sensitive to noises * Acne, hair loss, lower back pain & irregular periods (<- this could be symptoms of something else, e.g. hormonal) SOCIAL* Lower social intelligence * Not being able to handle criticism * Sensitivity to rejection* Grudge holding* Decreased ability to read social ques or properly display emotions * The need for company + not having energy to be social* Wanting people to know(or notice) that you are depressed / the need for compassion* Envy of people * Not wanting to be a burden to others isolating* Hating people / misanthropy * Being rude to others OTHERS* Burnout * Overthinking* Complaining* Remember all childhood experiences and overanalyzing them * Identifying with depressed famous people and romanticizing own situation and wanting to put own negative thoughts into artwork* Never being in the moment* Not caring about the future* Exaggeration of own bad situation Comprehensive list of the less obvious symptoms of depression",Depression +11893,"I have been trying to tune into how i feel more lately and i cannot stop thinking about one thing in particular - it is usually assumed that suicidal folks are more likely to attempt/commit when they are at the lowest point in their life, and, i mean, it does seem logical. but what I have also noticed is that when I am at my lowest i do not really think about it, and instead i think more about how i wish the pain was over and similar things. but when it gets a little better and when I am back to not doing things on autopilot, that is when i start thinking about it. and it causes kind of a dissonance because i feel better and the situation is better, but at the same time i want to just end it all more than ever. like, for example, I am done with school for the summer, i got a job offer recently, i have not had a flare up in weeks (got a chronic condition), I have made a lot of progress on the book I am currently writing and I have been catching up on a lot of shows and movies - long story short, i have a lot of distractions. but at the same time i feel like absolute shit and every time i go to sleep i hope i do not wake up, and when i do wake up, i think about how much i want this to end.is this how other people feel too? how do you deal with that? usually the go-to advice is to find distractions, but what if distractions \*are\* what is making it worse? when distractions actually make it worse",Suicidal +11894,"I have been working on this with my doctor because this damned illness blocked out parts of my life and I was not even aware. Well, today I recovered a memory, I think it was my first break down in a public setting, in school, and it led to me writing questionable things that were later discovered by a teacher. This person publicly read my written thoughts out loud, right in front of my classmates, then started to preach about being kinder to each other so that this does not happen again. She did not name me, but she never reached out to me later or ever.It was a cry for help, and she grandstanded instead of helping at all. I believe that this forgotten memory was one of my reasons for learning how to repress every traumatic even until I felt nothing. Fuck these kinds of people. A recovered memory",Depression +11895,"I have been severely depressed for a decade now, and everytime I trip up in life it feels like the end of the world. I do not feel like I have control over my life.Each day I wake up I want to lay in bed. I either do not eat or eat too much. I feel like I am going insane when I am at home with stress and worries and isolation. I do not know how to get myself out of this. Every stressor seems to come at me wave after wave. There is no brief window of being able to just relax, it all is a continuous flow.I have been contemplating a lot lately. I have done this before but each time it scares me. How do I stop my thoughts?",Suicidal +11896,"Hey guys , i hope you are having/had a good day.There are few things that are alarming for me , if there is a chance someone here have background in biochemistry or chemistry , or even biology , and willing to help me , that would really helpI have anxiety, i believe that is why there are some things in science that i find disturbing , if i do not fully understand them.I hope its ok to ask I hope its ok to ask that here. I""m doing real bad.",Suicidal +11897,"So as we all know, sleep cycles get kind of messed up when we are unwell. I am currently on summer break from school which is making it really bad because I just have not had to do anything during the day. While I am coming out of an episode, I have not had energy to do most things, including go downstairs, or stay down long enough to do much. Which, leads to the main problem here. I do not eat enough. *This is not on purpose.* Despite being depressed, I do not have a problem with my body most of the time, and generally do not care what is going in my body or what it is doing. Anyway, I started to notice that when I am down that I am only eating like once a day (usually crap), which has led to a host of physical problems. My hair is falling out (more than usual), I have even less energy, and I have had a constant pit in my stomach for about two weeks. I know the problem, I know how to fix it, I just cannot find the energy to do anything about it.How can I make myself get up during a depressive episode? And how can I make sure that I am eating foods that are good for me when I do? I am not looking for anything huge, just some simple advice from people who get it, you know? How do I make myself eat more/better when I do not have the energy?",Depression +11898,"I just got my sem result. I got 85%.I am satisfied with my result but I wish i could just feel happy about it. I have become so numb due to depression . All i can do is cry now. I wish i was not so pathetic and numb. I have not told my anyone about my result yet. I have to act happy, I am not sure i can do it now. I wish i was not like this I wish i could feel alive",Depression +11899,"long ago when I broke up with my boyfriend I had cut off communication with him but for some reason I needed to talk to him, we became friends and for some reason I cried for the slightest things and i got mad for no reason, was it normal? I am asking because when we broke up i was so sad, it started to be part of my depression but I am ok, I am taking my pills, i need help help",Depression +11900,"Hello guys, I am here to make a rant about my work culture and having confusion for my future.I work as a account cum admin clerk at a hardware shop. A 8-5 job on Monday to Friday and Saturday from 8-3. My work used to be just doing paperwork and giving assistance to my supervisors. Making receipts to customers,making payment to supplier, filing documents and so on. On the last few weeks my job workload increased a lot, my supervisor and boss keep calling us to do counter sales job because they are being too busy making delivery orders and invoice,or should I say my boss is does not want to hire new people even though we are understaffed.At first I am fine, but when it goes on and on I realized I had no time for own work and started feeling burnout every day.Every morning when I woke up, I literally had anxiety going for my job. I keep stressing out about things they are going to go wrong in my work environment and having fear going to work simply because I am just too tired waking up every morning stressing out over the same thing over and over again in order to satisfy this company's lust and needs.My boss also keep adding work to me which includes calling me to learn POS system because he wanted the counter sales more self-sufficient and making sure the money in drawer is tally with our system. But I know nothing about the system, I try to ask my colleagues about the POS system and no one wanted to help me with it, they are all selfish people who just want to complete their own job without being bother by other people. I do not know is this the chinese culture or not but every senior in my office seems to be lazy and do not want to care a bunch about others people work even though they are supervisor of their position. This is not included in my job descriptions when I first entered the company and makes me felt puzzled it too.My boss also wanted me to create a KPI system for the company in order to maintain good work ethics and making sure everybody voice got heard. But from what I know and see that, this company workers have frequent complain over the years but my boss just would not care a thing, so I exactly do not know what this kpi system is for and I had no time for doing it also.I had think about quitting the job more than a few times already but I am afraid I cannot find another job because of it.I am just a 20 years old male where I had no chance going to college Because my family is not rich and they also having a concept of ""only work will makes you Rich instead of study""My mum being a little bit considerate saying that even though you want to go to college who going to pay for your college fees?I am kind of puzzled now for my future, I saw all my friends having a plan and a target in their life. But when I look at myself I felt like I do not know anything about life. Sometimes I really wondered what is our existence in this world. Just a rant",Depression +11901,"I am a Mechanical engineer and earning around 6 lakh INR pa (8k USD per year) . I was happy when I got the job as it very hard in my country to get a decent job in any field other than software engineering. My salary is also above avg as per Indian standards but when I hear about my friends getting placed in companies like Google, amazon and earning 10 times more than me. I feel like what am I even doing with my life.My family's financial background is very poor. To get rid of that I studied hard and got into my country's one of the best college but the mistake was to choose a dead branch. Only if I chose computer science at that time. My life would be different. I do not know what to do its not my friends fault that they are earning more than me then why it is so depressing why cannot I just be happy for them. No matter what I do I cannot earn that much. How do you cope with your friend earning more than you?",Depression +11902,"Yesterday was not a good day. I got back into town after my grandmother's funeral and on the ride home from the airport, my girlfriend broke up with me. She took the three days I was gone to move all of her stuff out, all while I was texting her and saying how excited I was to see her when I got back. It feels like my entire world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do about it. Every single abandonment issue I worked so hard on is cropping back up and I have nowhere to go from here. A week or so ago I commented on here, saying that I had not felt this low in years and man was I wrong. it is so much worse than before. Like it went from zero to Mach Jesus in a manner of minutes. It was not even this bad when I ended my marriage, but maybe that is because I had a support system. Which I do not have anymore. it is just me, alone in an apartment that I cannot afford on my own, with a cat that loved my girlfriend more than it loves me.I can feel myself spiraling back into the headspace I was in as a teenager, and wish I could say I cared, but I honestly do not. it is like reconnecting with an old friend. Usually, I can just pull the covers up over the sadness and forget about it but now I am ready to just crawl into bed with it and forget about everything. Just want to crawl into bed and stay there",Depression +11903,I just checked my account I have less then 200 so I guess tomorrow will likely be my last day on this earth.I do not know why I am making this post guess I am feeling emotional today so many years of not crying and now my eyes start to water up now. I remember as a kid thinking if all goes to crap I can kill myself.Idk if I even feel bad I just feel so disappointed I myself because I bought myself to this I had so many opportunities to be successful or happy. But for whatever reason I did not go for any of them. Guess its only fair that I ended up here I know the kind of pos I am instead I hurt people around me to the point where in the last 9 months nobody has contacted me.It was my birthday last month nobody messaged me I am not saying this for sympathy because I definitely do not deserve it just to show I am pretty dead to the world soon I will actually be dead Tomorrow rant idk,Suicidal +11904,Like why do I still bother waking up and getting shit done everyday I much rather just die I am genuinely just never happy,Depression +11905,"Quit from my full time, shift job due to decreasing performance.Moved out of my rented room to my parents home due to unable to afford paying rent.In debt.Constantly sleeping because I do not want to wake up and live.do not even have the motivation to do housework. cannot ask sibling to help because she is sick (after spinal surgery).Constantly in shouting fights with parents and siblings to the point that I feel like taking a knife either to kill them or kill myself.Broke up with ex-fiance because I was constantly irritated. Slammed the door and shouts at my mom in response to her nagging. Feeling hateful and desires to kill my sick sister because I am tired of taking care of her.Tried therapy, but I skipped the appointments too many times just because I do not want to get out of bed. I was born in a religious community, but I do not have faith. Sometimes I wish I just hang myself or jump off from a tall building, or even just expose myself to COVID and die. This is no offense to those who actually died from it. Watching the news of their death, I always thought, it should have been me instead of them. Just like when my late father died, it should have been me instead of them.At the very least, as useless as I am alive, I am more useful dead. If I die (but not due to suicide), through my life insurance ,my burial costs are covered, my family will get some money that can feed them a month or two Been living with this depression for almost a decade.I just do not have the energy, motivation, nor perspective to live. Wissh that I can just die in my sleep.But in the end, all I can do is just write this, cry myself to sleep, and curse myself if I wake up again tomorrow. I wish I will get COVID and die",Depression +11906,i cannot find much online just articles and nonresponsive chats i need resources for suicide,Suicidal +11907,"So my ex and I broke up last December we have been trying to stay friends. However she was lashing out again at me and I told her I was not going to tolerate it. In this conversation she said she tried to hand herself the previous night. She could be lying for attention she has done that in the past. Assuming that she was telling the truth she is at work now and I do not believe she is suicidal at the moment. And supposedly has an appointment with her therapist.I still care about her and do not want her to self harm so what if anything should I do? My ex texted me and said she tried to hang herself last night, do not believe she is suicidal at the moment but what if anything should I do?",Suicidal +11908,I am so lonely I am so alone,Depression +11909,"Ask, show me anything i need some distraction to stop feeling like garbage Distract me",Depression +11910,I am losing it and its due to me being completely lost. I am 18 and moved out of my parents house at 15. Due to my dad and I having physical fights and my mom never being home to see or help. Been on my own since then and gotten everything by myself except for my vehicle. My dad still has it in his name since I cannot afford to put it into mine. I got pulled over the other day for expired tags (I got a pretty big ticket). My dad got angry at me telling me that I am going down i long and trashy road. I no longer have a job and I am being evicted from my apartment and I have not even finished school yet and now I am out a Vehicle because I got a ticket. I am at a dead end and I have no clue what to do from here. I have nothing now. I have been depressed since the age of 15 and the feeling of starting with nothing and getting no help into the adult world is really making me think about not wanting to be here no more. Lost.,Suicidal +11911,"I am a female and 20 years old. I have been hiding a secret from everyone for a long time and it is the reason why I think about death everyday. Nobody knows about this, not even my parents know how bad it is. About 2 years ago, I found something on my vulva which looked unfamiliar. I had to go to the hospital to check it. It turns out that I had 2 cysts on my clitoral hood skin, and they had to be removed because of possible malignancy. The surgeries did not go well. First I was quite shocked, because it looked a bit different, but I might could have lived with it still. But then, around 5 months after the surgery and when the doctors also told me that everything healed well now, I got a random scar infection out of the blue. Now I have a quite significant scar on the right side on my clitoral hood. My labia minora and clitoris were left intact but because of this, I cry everyday. The whole experience was so traumatic I got pretty severe PTSD. I cannot even talk to a psychologist about it. People on dating apps have called me pretty and what not, but I always backed off when they asked for a date because I thought its senseless anyways. I do not want to tell my story to everyone I get intimate with since its pretty traumatic, and who is still going to like me with all these scars? It just looks horrible in my opinion, I feel like a monster when I look at myself. I am just doomed to die forever alone. Since this happend, I fantasize about death everyday. I also isolated myself from most people because of this secret and I cannot tell anyone about it. I would love to atleast have a friend or someone to cuddle with but I also did not really find that. my biggest secret - a life without love",Suicidal +11912,"For the first time in a long time, I have felt happy & okay bc I finally got medicated. Its not for everyone but get help & keep trying. I think I may need to up my dose but I am already so much better. Medication",Depression +11913,"I just found this community and I am just curious as to how does depression feel. Sometimes my feelings are really really strong and i feel like i cannot control them, my mind gets filled with negative stuff but I have always tried to see the positive side of everything. I rly do not think I have any reason to be sad or depressed, I really am happy with my life and the people I love surrounding me.But sometimes out of nowhere, without reason or for really insignificant stuff I suddenly feel lonely, like no one cares about me, deep down I know that is not true, but idk why it keeps getting to me every now and then. I am an overthinker, and I have tried to change that for me and the people i love bc it has brought me problems all my life, this past year i have calmed my anxiety and the way I worry about stuff, I am feeling a lot better. But something I have never told anyone in my life is how these negative thoughts come to me sometimes, as if I am not worthy or just do not deserve to be here. it is weird, I just feel like no one would understand, idk if it is actually depression or just random normal sad thoughts. But I do not want to tell anyone I care about bc I think it would worry them and that I would destroy what i have with the people I love, that they would think I am crazy or something and leave me, that they will get tired of me. i just try to ignore my bad feelings and see the positive side, realizing that my reasons to be sad are not valid, but it is hard and i do not think i have depression but sometimes it comes to my mind that maybe i have and do not want to admit it? Idk I just do not want ppl to change their view of me or how they treat me or make them feel guilty for what I feel randomly, but idk if that is just making me close off, make a barrier with everyone instead of facing what my heart feels... So ye I just feel stupid because i do actually have everything to be happy and I truly am, i am not insecure of myself either, I am happy with everyone that is with me right now, well my friends let me down a lot but apart from that it is all good, my family, my bf and the few friends I trust. But doubts suddenly invade my mind and do not let me see stuff as great as it actually is. So ye idk what to call this or how to overcome it sometimes. it is not always but when it happens it really puts me down in a fking hole. What does depression feel like?",Depression +11914,"I was out and finally found the girl I like and I told her:""I want to tell you something for days now. it is not easy for both of us you knw, and I am shaking and I am trying to calm down. I do not want to make you uncomfortable and to bring awkwardness at our relationship. I just love you.i know you do not love me back and I understand that. Hope to talk to me after that "". After that I she replied:"" it is okay I am very open to those things. It is not awkward do not worry , I understand. I just left from a relationship and it is not your fault, I am just sad... "". I just feel better now I relieved my stress but I steel feel sad, propably becuase I feel not worthy... :( Hope someone to see this",Suicidal +11915,to me depression feels like a terminal illness. hahah,Depression +11916,"I hate being alive so much. Every year I tell myself this next year will be better but I never find time to rest, all the pain just keeps adding up. I get constantly told I am horribly negative (I know I am, I just do not know how to stop and its mostly a cry for attention and also its so hard to change after 30 years). I just want to end it, I cannot think of anything else anymore. I know it would hurt my family but I know their pain will pass - mine does not. Its my birthday soon and all I can think about is ending my life",Suicidal +11917,"I have noticed with each period I get(maybe its hormones), the feeling to off myself increases, my intrusive thoughts get way more intense and frequent. Plus I also panic more quickly etc.My birthday is soon and all my brain can think of is how it will be the first time in years I will not be celebrating it with my ex, how I will not get a happy birthday from her. And all my mind keeps saying is just kill yourself to avoid it how does it make any sense, kill myself to avoid the panic, the worry, the thoughts? Sounds great but, I will not do it. That still will not stop me from feeling like I have to for the next few days. Its going to be another struggle for this period of the month.I just wish we really did not celebrate birthdays anyways, has always been terrible for me. Never had many friends growing up so it was always stressful. I really hate it. But happy rotation around the sun day you guys. Hope you all continue to rotate with me. Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful day. Another rotation",Suicidal +11918,"Has anyone been institutionalised for depression? I am struggling a lot, and fear for my life, but getting hospitalised scares me so much, I feel I would only feel worse and more of a failure after it. Can anyone share some insight? What is it like to get institutionalised?",Depression +11919,"Is to kill myself. I tell people how I am suffering, meanwhile everything I want and cannot have they have and do not think its a big deal if I cannot have it. They do not believe my situation is what it is, or cannot possibly be as bad as I am telling them. Or its no big deal, just move one with life. Yeah its that easy when you have never had a GF/relationship, and cannot bc of a untreatable condition that has caused impotence for 14 years. Then they tell you relationships and sex do not matter, but that is bc they have those things Fuck this world and everybody in it who does not have sympathy. Starting to Feel like the only way to convince people how much unfixable pain I am in..",Suicidal +11920,"Dear father,My dear father tell me whyOf all the contests in this world,You choose to bear my mind?Did you never considerWhether my will to live was more than distant? I never choose to be summoned hereJust appeared out of your will,For me to at last leave. Oh dear Father tell me why?Why did you choose for this life to be mine?Made me a bearer of much responsibility,When my mind is coded for traversal, not leadership. Why make me steer towards the unknown,Attracted to the mysterious, to that not thought of.Stuck to a pen and a boat,Needing to see, to travel the world. WHY! WHY cannot YOU JUST LET ME BE MY OWN MANFORCED TO CONFIDE WITH WHAT YOU WANTDid ever realize you were not raising a clone,But a mind, tortured by its own thought. OH MOTHERFUCKER WHAT IS THE WAYTO MAKE YOU SHUT UP, KEEP YOU AT BAYWHY cannot YOU JUST FUCKING LET ME BEWHY FORCE ME TO CHANGE WHAT YOU cannot SEEWHY DO THINK I do not DO WELLWHERE YOU WANT ME TO SUCCEED, TO EXCELWHY BLAME OTHERS FOR WHAT YOU cannot SEE THE WHOLE WORLDS DYING, FALLING OUT OF ORDERWHILE WHAT YOU CAN SEE IS GROWTH AND YOUR PROFITS WHY DID YOU MAKE SLAVES TO TAKE OVER?WHY FORCE ME TO BREATHE IF YOU had not THOUGHT IT OVERYOU ALREADY HAD TWO CAPTURED SOULS,WHY CHOOSE TO MAKE ME + ONE MORE? And while I do not blame you for all the bad,I do not forget your role in keeping me backWHY NOT ALLOW ME TO CHASE MY DREAMSFORCED TO GO BACK TO ALL YOU HAD PLANNED FOR ME WHY KEEP ME TRAINED TO WHAT you are LIVINGA fucking nightmare from the way I am seeing,WHY THINK THAT ALL I NEED,IS BEING A SLAVE LIKE THE ONES YOU FEED? WHY cannot YOU JUST STICK TO YOUR FUCKING PLACE?You gave me a mind, that is fine for me thanks.AND WHY DO YOU SO WANT ME TO HAVE SEX?WHAT IS THAT NEEDTO FIND A MATE? cannot YOU SEE THE VOID THAT HAS TAKEN ME OVER?FORCED ME TO FALL, TO GIVE UP ALL HOPE?TURNS OUT THE WORLD WAS MUCH DARKER THAN I THOUGHTAND I have BEEN LONG THINKING OF ENDING IT ALL. Fuck You Dad",Depression +11921,I usually watched new shows at the end of the day to make me feel good and its been working but all of the sudden I just cannot feel happy or good even with my favorite shows. I am not bored of it or its not like its bad I just cannot find the happiness I had before when watching them and its so frustrating. That was one of the last things I can do to make myself feel good and it just all the sudden does not work. I know this is such a small thing because its just a show but that is where I was getting so much joy I just lost every bit of interest in one of my favorite activities,Depression +11922,"does anyone know how to get rid of negative thoughts. I just cannot get rid of them. it is becoming unbearable. I just want to know how to enjoy things like I used to. Its like some sort of loud banging at the back of my head that will not stop, like someone is banging pots and pans together or that constant ringing you hear when its silent. Just always at the back of my head and seeping into every single fucking positive rush I have. Even when I feel happy, I just know that happiness will go away really quickly. I just want to fucking get rid of them. I amm fighting them hard but its just getting harder each day constant lingering negative thoughts are killing me",Depression +11923,"**Dear father**My dear father tell me whyOf all the contests in this world,You choose to bear my mind?Did you never considerWhether my will to live was more than distant? I never choose to be summoned hereJust appeared out of your will,For me to at last leave. Oh dear Father tell me why?Why did you choose for this life to be mine?Made me a bearer of much responsibility,When my mind is coded for traversal, not leadership. Why make me steer towards the unknown,Attracted to the mysterious, to that not thought of.Stuck to a pen and a boat,Needing to see, to travel the world. WHY! WHY cannot YOU JUST LET ME BE MY OWN MANFORCED TO CONFIDE WITH WHAT YOU WANTDid ever realize you were not raising a clone,But a mind, tortured by its own thought. OH MOTHERFUCKER WHAT IS THE WAYTO MAKE YOU SHUT UP, KEEP YOU AT BAYWHY cannot YOU JUST FUCKING LET ME BEWHY FORCE ME TO CHANGE WHAT YOU cannot SEEWHY DO THINK I do not DO WELLWHERE YOU WANT ME TO SUCCEED, TO EXCELWHY BLAME OTHERS FOR WHAT YOU cannot SEE THE WHOLE WORLDS DYING, FALLING OUT OF ORDERWHILE WHAT YOU CAN SEE IS GROWTH AND YOUR PROFITS WHY DID YOU MAKE SLAVES TO TAKE OVER?WHY FORCE ME TO BREATHE IF YOU had not THOUGHT IT OVERYOU ALREADY HAD TWO CAPTURED SOULS,WHY CHOOSE TO MAKE ME + ONE MORE? And while I do not blame you for all the bad,I do not forget your role in keeping me backWHY NOT ALLOW ME TO CHASE MY DREAMSFORCED TO GO BACK TO ALL YOU HAD PLANNED FOR ME WHY KEEP ME TRAINED TO WHAT you are LIVINGA fucking nightmare from the way I am seeing,WHY THINK THAT ALL I NEED,IS BEING A SLAVE LIKE THE ONES YOU FEED? WHY cannot YOU JUST STICK TO YOUR FUCKING PLACE?You gave me a mind, that is fine for me thanks.AND WHY DO YOU SO WANT ME TO HAVE SEX?WHAT IS THAT NEEDTO FIND A MATE? cannot YOU SEE THE VOID THAT HAS TAKEN ME OVER?FORCED ME TO FALL, TO GIVE UP ALL HOPE?TURNS OUT THE WORLD WAS MUCH DARKER THAN I THOUGHTAND I have BEEN LONG THINKING OF ENDING IT ALL. Fuck you Dad",Depression +11924,"Just to adress this: I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness. Though I have been showing major indicators of depression and anxiety disorder since quite a few years.I came here because lately I have been feeling very prone to hurting myself. I have cut myself before, the last time is maybe a month ago. I do not have very strong urges or motivation to hurt myself, I just occasionally think about it. That is usually when my feelings have been ""gone"" for a while and it feels utterly terrible to exist. But a few times now lately when I have thought about it it has been really really bad and its scaring me. It feels as if my brain is taking over and telling me to just do it finally. As if I needed it.I do not have huge issues with selfharming, I am not in great danger of hurting myself. Currently its just that these bad thoughts come to me and I hate them. Usually I can overcome them when playing videogames with my friends, so that is good.But does anyone have advice on how to actively fight against those thoughts? Or just ways that might help me with reducing or bettering those thoughts? Thoughts about selfharm, How do I cope with it?",Depression +11925,if i die then ill suffer in hell probably and if i live I am going to do something with my life i would like to kill myself as a leap of faith,Depression +11926,"For the past 4 years it feels like life has thrown me constant pain and misery and I am not sure I can take it anymore, I am only a young lad 18 and I just feel like I cannot live for another 50 years with the way I am feeling right now. I am so frightened of being an adult comparing myself with everyone around me maintain friendships and relationships with my family. I feel so ungrateful saying all of this but its just the way I feel. I am so frightened of the pain of death but I would love to die if any of that makes sense, just needed to get this off of my chest. Why is nothing going my way at all in life",Suicidal +11927,They do say ignorance is bliss. I am just saying that I truly doubt someone who jokes about suicide in any context has never experienced how tragic suicide is and it is literally never funny.,Depression +11928,"Why am I just never good enough? I had a pretty depressing and neglected childhood. My brother was always the favorite kid and anything I accomplished never mattered. If my brother even got 70 percent, my parents would literally treat him like a prince and if I got the same marks or more in fact I never even got single praise out of their mouth. When I was about 10 years I had to relocate to another city only because my brother was in a boarding school and he was very homesick. I was homeschooled for 2 years and no one cared about me. A real example, when my brother was in 10th he got about 68 percent in his board examination and he was sent for a trip with his friends because my parents were proud, and when I was in 10th I got 93% and I did not even get a well done or I am proud of you, it was just okay, why did you get fewer marks in science. I recently got the presidency for 2 departments in my school, and when I told my mother she just said okay, can you fucking believe it, just an OKAY. I just never feel enough, be it in my family, my friendships, or my relationship. Whatever I do, I can never be good enough. At this point, I do not even know if anyone cares about me for a second. I do not remember the last time I felt happy, all I remember is feeling sad, that is IT, THE ONLY EMOTION I FEEL. I hate feelings, I hate getting attached, I hate trusting someone, I have my mother, I hate it. I do not know if anyone will relate, but I always feel like I have lost myself. This just is not me. I lost myself and I cannot seem to find her again. It just does not get fucking easy, it is just torture. why am I never good enough?",Depression +11929,"Why am I just never good enough? I had a pretty depressing and neglected childhood. My brother was always the favorite kid and anything I accomplished never mattered. If my brother even got 70 percent, my parents would literally treat him like a prince and if I got the same marks or more in fact I never even got single praise out of their mouth. When I was about 10 years I had to relocate to another city only because my brother was in a boarding school and he was very homesick. I was homeschooled for 2 years and no one cared about me. A real example, when my brother was in 10th he got about 68 percent in his board examination and he was sent for a trip with his friends because my parents were proud, and when I was in 10th I got 93% and I did not even get a well done or I am proud of you, it was just okay, why did you get fewer marks in science. I recently got the presidency for 2 departments in my school, and when I told my mother she just said okay, can you fucking believe it, just an OKAY. I just never feel enough, be it in my family, my friendships, or my relationship. Whatever I do, I can never be good enough. At this point, I do not even know if anyone cares about me for a second. I do not remember the last time I felt happy, all I remember is feeling sad, that is IT, THE ONLY EMOTION I FEEL. I hate feelings, I hate getting attached, I hate trusting someone, I have my mother, I hate it. I do not know if anyone will relate, but I always feel like I have lost myself. This just is not me. I lost myself and I cannot seem to find her again. It just does not get fucking easy, it is just torture. why am I never good enough?",Depression +11930,someone please message me oh my god help,Depression +11931,"The last couple of months has been hard for me mentally. I was always a fully motivated and positive person, with a ""never give up"" and can-do attitude, who was treated as a ""role model"" by my peers. I supported many friends when they had hardships, yet when my world is crumbling, I feel left alone. I read articles on how to deal with my depression, regain control and stay positive, yet during days like this, I am unable to do anything, just staying idle in this weird state of being empty, which is frustrating. So far, every time I have had this state I just tried to survive this mood until the next day or a better moment, however, recently I feel like I am running out of energy to do so. I am slowly tired of trying and failing again. I just need to share my problems with someone else, but not related to me, so I would not feel embarrassed showing my weaknesses. Even drunk I am not able to open up, trying to maintain the perception of me being strong and firm. I am 26. 6 years in a relationship, last 9 months I spent abroad doing my MSc, hence my long-distance relationship drifted apart, which probably is the main because of my anxiety and lack of control. It was always my safe haven, which now is sinking. We made plans that in sept-oct this year, we will graduate and relocate to a different country, be engaged and start building our own family. Now, my gf is not sure if she still wants to be with me, does not see me as a future husband and lost her love. We decided to try and rebuild this bond, but it causes me a lot of stress and anxiety when she is wavering, while I am doing my best. it is killing me that I cannot do anything, but wait and be patient. I struggle with my dissertation topic because I just do not feel it. I hate the ""research and academic"" way. I would like to make something practical, instead of just referencing existing research and doing interviews... I am running of time, yet my supervisor is not helping me, instead, he put more pressure on me, that it is my fault and others are doing great...BSc in engineering, MSc in Managemet, a lot of academic experience, but lack of real working experience (just side jobs, which are not related, volunteering etc.) and I wasted some of my time just having fun with friends, games, and so on. Now, I am keep being rejected even though, I do my best with my CV, personalised cover letters and assessment tests... I wish to finally start my career to be fully independent from my parents, but since COVID-19 and being MSc student I did not have a real chance to get a job. Next month I will go to a warehouse as in the past (mentioned side-jobs), but it is frustrating that I am a talented person, career advisor is saying I am fine, while I am still being dependent and unemployed... Due to being abroad, my old friends turned away from me, having their new friends, work, families etc. Meanwhile, my parents are telling me that I should be strong and my depression and problems are exaggerated. Basically, they ignored my feelings. I feel a little bit better now, saying this out loud (thanks!), although I know it will not change anything in a long term... I am losing control over my life, which slowly pushes me to suicidal thoughts.",Depression +11932,"Dear all, \*\*Background information\*\* I was diagnosed with PCOS in November 2019. With healthy eating habits (and I did not eliminate gluten and dairy, just reduced quantity, yay!), I have been able to control all my symptoms- my cycles are now regular, my issue of excessive hair growth was a mild issue and is back to normal now, androgen levels are normal (always have been within the range), thyroid is normal (always has been within the range). The only issue that still persists is weight gain and difficulty losing weight. &#x200B;I have been seeing a psychologist for a few months now and she asked me to show myself to a psychiatrist who has prescribed antidepressants for me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, high functioning anxiety and depression. (None are due to pcos)&#x200B;I have been prescribed Sertraline 25 mg (Zoloft) and my concern is whether this will because weight gain. I have read both the sides- many books said that they are least likely to because weight gain and help in pcos too by regulating metabolic function of the body and many books said that they can because weight gain. &#x200B;I will be waiting for your responses! Thank you, much love and power to all! Antidepressants",Depression +11933,"I struggle with these thoughts frequently but I have come to the conclusion that I am only here because my son and a few specific people in my life. I am optimistic for someone who struggles with these thoughts as often as I do. I just feel stuck. I am stuck on this world because I love my son so so much I would never put that trauma on him, he needs his mom. But I also feel stuck because I cope with sleep. I used to be able to sleep hours everyday to pass the time and I cannot anymore because I work full time at a really good paying job. No job= no home and I cannot do that to my son. I just want to go off into the woods and set up camp away from everyone and really figure out my life (or if I want one) but I cannot. So I am stuck. This is just a rant but its so hard being in my head. Its hard to have ties to the world",Suicidal +11934,"(16 M). My dad died almost exactly am year back, I feel like no one ever loved me except him. My own mom swears at me and hits me for no reason. She threw a fucking wooden chair on me, fortunately or unfortunately I dodged. I just want to die but I am too scared. I had cousins and friends but I have ignored them after my dad died as it just feels really weird, so I cannot talk about this to anyone. I want to die but I do not",Suicidal +11935,"I am 21 years old, 22 in September. Until I was about 17, my life was in perfect harmony. Good grades, happy relationship, excited for the future.But that did not last. My dads alcohol addiction finally overcame him, despite multiple attempts at rehab, and he disappeared for about 2 months before being found dead in an apartment. he would basically drank himself to death. And then, the next year, my lovey grandmother - who Id formed a very close bond with following the loss of her son/my father - also passed away, from an unexpected and aggressive cancer. After that, everything just went south. I became short-tempered, angry at the world. The relationship I was in ended soon after, and worst of all, she found someone else after just 2 weeks (bearing in mind wed been together for 2 years at that point). So I went to university, hoping that getting away from home would be a sort of reset; a new start, so to speak.Nope within about a month I was smoking weed, popping pills, and living every self-destructive fantasy I could think of. It was fun at the time, a nice release, but in the long run it was anything but.Fast-forward to next year, the diagnosis comes in: Post traumatic stress disorder, generalised anxiety and depressive disorder. And I have now blown almost all the money left to me from dad on cigarettes and drugs.And to top it all off, I failed uni. So I am now poor, unemployed, and realising that I have gone down EXACTLY the same road as dad did. Like I did not learn anything from watching his mistakes.I do not really know where I am going with this, to be honest. I know that I am to blame, and nobody else. But I just felt like I needed to get all this off my chest.Thank you to anyone who took the time to read I am not suicidal or anything, at least not yet, just looking for some guidance honestly x I feel like I have made so many mistakes in life",Depression +11936,there is no escape. Death is scary and there is no closure with it. Its just a reversal. Hating life but not wanting death,Suicidal +11937,"E.g. maintaining basic needs, going out, keeping good relationships etc What aspect of life do you find hardest when dealing with depression?",Depression +11938,"A ramble, sorry. I have no friends, no family, no life, no job, no hobbies, no money, and most importantly as of right now, no health insurance to get better to possibly get help to fix myself to have these things. If I cannot get therapy or medication or psychiatric help then nothing matters. Everyone throws around get therapy when someone is struggling but not everyone fucking can, so stop telling people that, its infuriating. A huge debt and hospital bill will probably make me want to die more; so? I am paranoid all the time, I cannot stop analyzing every single thing to death. I do not think right anymore. thought negatively for so long I believe it. I do not think people can change, I try and try and I keep going back to how I was. It has to be untrue that you can get better because I have done so much and I am not. I am miserable, I am sad all the time. I do not care about life. do not care about even finding something enjoyable to do because I just do not care. I do not care about any of the things everyone else cares about (family, career, hobby blah blah blah) I do not believe in purpose or meaning because we are just a bag of cells, some hyper intelligent apes that just run around a world that tells you how to live and defines you based on looks, money, success. I am extremely self conscious and insecure, I have tried every single thing to fix this and actually for once like myself but you cannot do that if you actually do not like yourself, can you force yourself to like someone else? No. So why should I force myself to like myself when I literally cannot because I am hideous and disgusting and getting older. We used to not live until we were 30 before modern medicine and such, but now we are prolonged to live until we are seen as worthless. Ageism is a thing. I have suffered with anorexia for 8 years, I was abused and neglected as a child and then abused again at 19. I am 22. I miss being young as well, I hate that I am 22 and I do not want to age anymore I rather die young than die old pissing myself in my diaper and being alone. I never leave my house, I hate people so very much. They seem selfish, dangerous, and I cannot relate to their minds because they operate correctly and mine is going a million miles a second. I think deeply about thinking deeply. I am scared and anxious so much from everything and trauma its physically effecting me. I am fatigued and sleep and act like I am sick. Maybe I am sick but cannot afford any medical care!!! I hate my body, face, hair, and skin. I hate my personality, my voice, my thoughts and thinking patterns. My family is gone or have been the reason of how fucked up I am. My friends hate me and moved on years ago. I only have a SO and they are why I am here today. But, my insecurities and jealously is ruining that too. I am not good enough in so many ways, I am so miserable its showing up everywhere and again there is no help for me. I cannot even afford sliding scale help or any of the fucking rest. My sleep is not even restful as nightmares haunt me daily and make me wake up so so so sad. God, I wake up sad every day. My body hurts, my heart is broken. I just do not want to live here anymore but I really do not want to hurt my SO, but I have been so strong for so fucking long just for my SO, but I cannot take it anymore I cannot do this anymore and I cannot breathe because of how much I hurt. Nothing can help at this point I am seriously too far gone. I cannot function at all, I cannot socialize. I do not want to live poor anymore because I am too anxious for work, I do not want to live. I do not want to die either I really fucking am scared and terrified of death but the pain I feel the aching dull feeling of despair in my stomach is just too fuckingr much right now. I am safe right now but I am writing this out because I lurked this sub for so long and I wanted to write 10% of what is going on and figure out what to fucking do from here. I do not think I can keep going for another year. Nothing can be said",Suicidal +11939,"Everywhere you go, it is rejection after rejection. The gay community is so damn obsessed with age, like if you want to date or even just hookup, it is always ""be X years or fuck off."" The number of guys I have tried to approach in person or online only to be turned down is too damn high. Like I honestly think I have PTSD from all the ""ews"" and ageism. I legit do not know how much more I can take...Not sure if I am going to kill myself, but I do feel like I am about to self-implode. I have a couple unhealthy coping mechanisms and am this close to just saying fuck it all. Being gay over 30 is hopeless",Suicidal +11940,"(This is going to be kind of long..I am sorry..) Oh boy here we go, so its super late, 4 am, this is not the first night I have posted here, its kind of embarrassing for me to post my emotions online but, I am kind of anonymous here so i guess its fine, I am not sure what is wrong with me anymore, its like everything goes fine and dandy and then...bam just anger and sadness and just so much bs. I do not want to be alone yet that is all i really ever am, i can act fine for my family and even for my friends and lover, but at the end if the day, i lay in my bed wishing and hoping that i do not wake up the next day. I do not want to say I am suicidal but i am, and that is just something i have to face. But i do not want to? Idk its all so confusing and i can never ever talk to anyone about this not even my close friends. So many rely on me to be a place of support and help and yet, They only ever talk to me when they are depressed or suicidal and like ugh! I have to save everyone! While I am not getting saved, i soak everthing up like a spondge and i want it to all stop! I keep thinking ""oh everythings great!"" Well its not, no one talks to me anymore only my lover, who is wonderful and amazing but just i cannot talk to him about this! Not because anything he does its just humiliating...talking to strangers feels better I do not know why. But i did something awful...i think i know why no one wants to speak with me anymore, I stopped trying to give good advice i just listen ""mhm"" ""well what do you think you should do?"" Hoping they would be able to solve their own issues without needing me! But i realized that just made it seem like i did not care...i do! I just want my friends to grow and learn that they do not need me to make their own choices...but I am too stupid to make it seem that way. But enough of that...i feel so alone. my thoughts are cluttering together and its all too much. I just want to sleep and stay asleep until my life ends. I do not want to be here. But I have no choice because ""i have to live"" i wish so desperately to die of natural causes and freak accidents, i do not even care how it happens just make it seem like i tried to live so my family does not get too hurt by it. I have attempted suicide befote when i was little, I am still a kid, but more mature? That sounds so egotistical ""hah wow look at me I am sooo mature now!"" I am really not. I remember the way things use to feel, it was always a brick wall on my chest, and my head felt hallow and empty, same with my body. Now its just confusing and it hurts, its like a roller coaster of stupid emotions. My mother is not around to listen to this, my father and i have a relationship were we do not talk about serious stuff, I am too proud to talk about this to anyone i know and its just like I am trapped in a never ending cycle of sadness. I want my happiness to come back but i cannot even remember what it felt like, was it ever really there? It had to be right? I sound like i did years ago, edgy and sad and ew it was just gross. I was gross. I am not sure what I am going to so now but i guess I will try and sleep, i have work tmr. Goodnight thanks for listening to my boring ramble Just ranting on the internet do not mind me",Suicidal +11941,"I do not know how to do it , I wish I knew how. But its really hard to support someone when they are not so nice to you, or pushes you away. I know its nothing personal either however some days I cannot handle it . Any advice? Other than the usual Take care of yourself stuff, that is not really an issue. Trying to support my ex with his depression, even when hes being mean",Depression +11942,So lately I have been seeing my parents ageing and it is breaking my heart. Just knowing I only have so little time left with them after all the years hating them and not wanting to be around them. Now all I want to do is have them around and to never lose them. Thinking about going out before they do. Trying to deal with future losses.,Depression +11943,"I feel shame for living in this planet, i do not feel honoured to live here, this system is disgusting, i feel so much shame of the people and of the rules and of everything. Its shame",Suicidal +11944,"I see everyone around me, I see them at work, when I am commuting, and I think about their day-to-day lives. I think about how they all seem to find happiness in the things they are doing. They have true aspirations, desires, hopes and dreams. I feel like I cannot relate, I cannot remember the last time I had a true aspiration or some sort of deep desire. I have had depression for 8 years but it feels like I have issues that stem from earlier. Even as a child or entering into being a young teenager, I never experienced real aspirations or ambitions for the future. I was always told that I had not found my calling yet. I cannot help but feel that is just impossible for me though. I do not think anything can bring me fulfilment. Nothing has succeeded in doing so, whether it is time with my friends, family, romantic relationships, academic or workplace accomplishments. The things I have, or the things I accomplish do not provide me with any sense of pride, nor do they inspire me to aspire for something more in the future. I do not know what to do. I am so exhausted continuing like this. I feel like my brain is fundamentally flawed for the human experience and that there is no way for it to change. I feel like I am at a dead-end, with nowhere to go because in the end I will always feel the same as I do now. I am sorry for writing a lot, I have never made any sort of post before. I do not know how people are happy",Depression +11945,"that is it, all I need is one bad day where it becomes too much and its over. there is no one there to talk me out of what I am doing or hear me and stop me when I am halfway through hanging or find me and call and ambulance and save me. Its kind of liberating knowing the next time I have a bad day that I could be out of here. If I died at my home nobody would know I was gone for months. Perfect. The best part about living alone is all I need is one bad day and I am gone",Depression +11946,"it is not working. I love this dog. he is the best. But I still want to die right now and it is starting to get worse again. I have had him for almost a year and it is been equally hard on my anxiety, but I am slowly teetering on killing myself again even though I know he really loves me.I do not know what to do Got a dog to hedge against suicide",Depression +11947,"I cannot say I am constantly sad or depressed. But damn near every day I am having suicidal thoughts. there is a bunch of reasons for this, some of them being heart break, bullying and childhood trauma, body image insecurities and never being able to make my parents proud. I have passions and ambitions that I want to achieve, and I am working my ass off majority of the day, so it is not like I am just lazy and unmotivated. But I feel like all these hours this past year I put into my dream, is shitted on by the next genetically gifted person with no experience whatsoever. Do I have depression?",Depression +11948,"I feel like I offer nothing to anyone for them to see me as a serious potential partner due to how depression has robbed so much from me. Anyway, I got back in touch with someone I used to know last year and we have become close and she is insisted she does not want a relationship and I respect that but I have decided to try to love her selflessly and support her because I genuinely think she is a wonderful person and I want her to be happy even if it is not with me. Anyone else just accepted this is the limit of their ability to love thanks to depression? Ever settled for a one-sided love because you are certain that is all you will ever get anymore?",Depression +11949,I am 23 and have major depressive disorder and it gets in the way of work. How can I manage this at work? I can stand there all day and just cry and think about how much I hate life and myself. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and bawl my eyes out. Idk what to do. How do I deal with emotional turmoil while trying to work?,Depression +11950,Just fucking tell meI want to dieI do not want to be on this planet anymore It hurts to be alive,Suicidal +11951,"Been thinking all night, not sleeping, about that... Sup",Suicidal +11952,"I spent the last two days telling myself that if I failed this exam I would kill myself as clearly there is no point in my life, I am not going to do anything and I am a waste of everyone is time and money. I feel like I am hitting a brick wall.I did fail it and I just cannot bring myself to do it. I want to, I really desperately want to, I wish I was never born and I wish I never existed, I wish I could swap my life with anybody. I just cannot bring myself to and I hate myself for that. What kind of pathetic coward am I? I had plans to kill myself but I could not bring myself to and I hate myself for that",Suicidal +11953,"it is basically a suicide note because I do not really like to write and this way I can just talk freely. I wanted to capture everything so it does not leave anything unanswered I guess. On one of them, where I talk about how much I love my family, I just started crying uncontrollably. I do not know how much strength there is in me but in case I break I want everyone to know what I was going through. I recorded some videos in case I die",Depression +11954,I cannot sleep through this pain many nights.. some nights I manage. Closing my eyes to sleep makes it worse I wish it stopped for just one minute so I can remember what normal feels like doctors are not giving my any answers because tests come out clear.. I know the because of this and I wish I knew how to treat it.. meds do not even help 10 months in of non stop head pains and upper left eyelid pain.. I do not know how to live a normal life and follow my dreams through this pain. I feel like just having to live is me being strong enough but having to do real shit is too much..,Depression +11955,"I have fucked up badly. I made so many mistakes in my life that it is all flashing before my eyes. I have made one lie because I thought people did not care about me and it backfired so badly. I lost friends, I lost people who cared about me, I lost so much. I just keep losing. I may only be 21 but I feel like life is not going to get better. Every time I think my life is ok and going good, something always happens and it is never positive. I do not know what sick game God or whatever higher power is doing this to me. I have always tried to be good, I have tried everything. To go to therapy, to getting on medication, to trying to have better ""coping"" mechanisms but it is just not working. I do not know what else to do. I looked up ways to kill myself but those stupid articles keep telling me there is hope. How can there be any hope? The world is burning, the government is terrible, and I keep fucking up. I understand I am human but I do not want to keep making human mistakes. I know me ending my life will make people if any that care and love me will be hurt but I want to do this so I do not keep disappointing and letting them down. I guess they will be disappointed they could not save me, but it will only be a moment. Everyone dies... I will be forgotten in a few months anyways. I guess this is just my suicide note. I am sorry for all the hurt and pain I have caused and going to because. I cannot be forgiven for any of my mistakes. I deserve to punish myself and if that means my death than so be it. I do not want to die but I have no other options. I do not want to live as a an empty useless husk. I do not know what death will bring but if it means to end my suffering of this life then so be it. If anyone that knows me finds this reddit post, I am sorry for being a failure and letting everyone I know down. I am sorry for making more and more stupid choices. I am sorry for lying. I am sorry. I am sorry that I am a terrible human being. I am sorry that I cannot get better. I am so sorry for everything... I will make sure I do it properly and all the way this time so I do not keep lying about my attempts. I want to be remembered for being brave enough to pull the plug, regardless on how many times I have to do it to accomplish my new goal. I do not want forgiveness or pity. And if anyone finds this post and tries to talk me out of it, I do not believe any of it. I am sorry... I want to end my life",Suicidal +11956,"Today, i have come to the sea side for my sister's wedding. There was a lighthouse at the furthest part of the bay. I just felt i have to go there everytime. For five days, I went to the lighthouse and thought just thought. We were preparing for a wedding but i was depressed and feeling lonely for a reason. Today's visit was pretty harsh with too much wild thoughts. Eventually i found why i was sticked to that lighthouse. Two years ago, I was at my highschool graduation party. Whole class whom are graduating was only 50 to 60 people and so everybody knows each other. After the party has come to slow music for dancing, i was just shy as f*ck to dance. For other impacts on me , i was actually the first one on exams and everybody knew me for a reason so, i was not the guy nobody cared but the one who was cared. Anyway, i was there standing some people trying to raise me to dance but i am rejecting for some fckng religious reasons. I got my seat next to my friend who also did not come up to dance. The neat part is here which is still I hate myself. For the 4 years and some before the girl i loved was there just sitting maybe hoping for a dance. But nobody did not tell her. Maybe this was the chance for a last moment i would see and maybe know her but i could not. FOR FCKNG REASONS! i could not do it. I was shy and idiot. I knew that this love was not just a simple thing but to write poets and think always. Maybe it is creepy for 4 years i did this. But as i said, some religious things blocked me. Also, i was preparing for University exam and i was scaring that what if i cannot succeed in the exam for this love. I had pressed my feelings deep inside but they have never gone. That day was the most crashing moment for me to remind me why i am a failure and idiot. Today, because i am in my sister's wedding, people are going to watch me and of course i have to raise someone to dance. And my cousin who looked liked with her face and hairs just like my love. I am not pervert and i know she is my cousin but my love has never passed away and i still remember her.So i will raise her to dance today and i will cry as fck inside for that old day. Well, this seems simple for some people here but that lighthouse and sitting there alone watching the sea reminded me that I have succeeded in the exam but this life i have put my everything is not what i can go for a life span. I do not know how to enjoy life. I have wasted my 4 years and only thing defines my life is my successful exam. Everybody knows me because of my University. I am disappeared behind my success. And this is my fault. Not raising my love to dance is my fault. Wasting my life for chasing money is my fault. I was just looking the sea to jump in and never swim up. I am living in a body not doing what i wanted but only chasing money and career. Two hours ago, I had a choice to make. I could jump in and disappearing from this world for good. But i had another chance to change my life maybe. Maybe I cannot say this was a desicion because I do not want to ruin my sister's wedding. It would be pretty selfish. Anyway I decided to not wait or hesitate myself to do anything. I chose what my life should be. If you have read this whole, thank you. Now maybe, you can talk to your loved ones. Just go and ignore anything. Not doing this, will ruin your life for a long time. A Decent Reminder",Suicidal +11957,I told one of my friends that I selfharm and... He said that I am just crazy stupid motherfckr. I thought we were friends... Idk what to do now. I feel so depressed now and i want cut myself. Maybe he was right? Idk I told one of my friends that I selfharm,Depression +11958,"I have no motivation, I am constantly stressed and I do not want a future. I am also too scared to step into the world. I hate doing things a first time and will avoid it so much. I' constantly in my own way and I am tired and have the feeling that no one underdtands that I do not WANT to be like this. I cannot control this. I am trying to push myself but I just want to quot existing. It would save me so much stress and sadness. I am so scared of failure and disappointing people",Suicidal +11959,I wonder if there is any Singaporeans on this subreddit. The case of River Valley High School and St Josephs institution makes me wonder why do I still not have the courage to yet myself off a building or something. Why do I not have the courage to die??? Screw myself I want to go,Suicidal +11960,"how far can 2000 dollars get me? How much gas? A plane ticket maybe? Not enough for an apartment but enough for a tent and the beach. sometimes I get really really close. but today I just might reach my breaking point. 2 grand might not be a lot to you but its *freedom* to me. I have tried every. single. facet. To try and get help but it dosnt work. this past week I have taken scissors to all my relationships, screamed and begged for help from my mom who only threatened to send me to choices (one of my states mental institutions) because I would not stop spamming her about wanting to die.I am tired all. Of. The. Time. I work 7 to 4 everyday then I attempt to try and keep some sort of work online. I pass out at 8 or even 7 sometimes and just sleep until 6. Rinse and repeat, only ever time to smoke and get fucked up never enough time to live. I spend a lot of my day crying as pathetic as it sounds. crying over how I am treated, how I look, if I eat a cereal grain I did not have planned I obsess about it until I feel sick. I desperately need a fresh start and I know how to get one. Its far away but I have dreams of sand and stars. I am going to take the money and run. Not under the false pretense its enough to live on but because when I finally leave ill at least feel alive. id be homeless and alone. but alive. 2 grand and no plan. If this dosnt work ill drown myself in the ocean, what a lovely place to die. freedom",Suicidal +11961,i have this urge to want to hurt and ruin myself.i have this urge to get a face tattoo.i have this urge to want to get arrested for a crime and go jail. even if it is for a crime i did not commiti have this urge to be homeless and sleep on the streets. urge to hurt/ruin myself.,Depression +11962,"a few months ago, i typed in these wordsi want to die, but I am too scaredi felt so selfish, knowing that others actually have.was i overreacting??what was there left to live fori tried reaching out, but my friend group left me. 4 times I have triednobody caredi'm in the same place i was when i startedbut I am going to persevere, because there has to be some good left in this world.at least i hope so a few months ago.",Suicidal +11963,"I just want to sleep forever, I do not want to do anything else. Is there a painless way to kill myself? There Is No Reason For Me To Live",Depression +11964,"I have been dealing with chronic suicidality for a long time. I have had multiple attempts and a recent one that destroyed my physical body in that I have multiple injuries that limit me. This was to escape an abuser in the moment (not planned)I recently was broken up with and my friends (not close friends as I have never had any) are not there for me. I have no one. I have been estranged From family for nearly 10 years. I am on the verge of completing suicide. I have cried out to the system and tried many techniques for my own benefit that is not medication as I am too sensitive to side effects. I just cannot cope with the daily fluctuations and severe emotional agony each day. I have no one to hug, to cry with, to laugh with etc. I am desperate. I am convinced I will end my life this weekend. I have put all the hard work in. I have. I know that is something that needs maintenance but my illness is winning. Anyone know what this is like? I know I cannot rely on another human to make it all better as that is the same as looking for drugs or an external thing to sort out the internal and it is not reliable. I wish I had support around me but I do not. Chronic suicidal ideation and urges. Will this be it?",Suicidal +11965,"I am a drug abuser (benzos and meth mostly) and have been diagnosed with schizophrenia 11 years ago. My psychosis is getting worse although my drug use is ceasing. I dissociate heavily and I barely even feel like I am a real person typing this. The voices and visual hallucinations are constant, but worst at night when I am alone and not doing anything. My best friend barely talks to me anymore and its killing me to think that I care more about her than she does about me. Worth mentioning I am kind of in love with her. She was the best at calming me down in severe episodes of psychosis and was always so patient and caring and gentle. And now that I do not have her in my life anymore, its tempting me to use drugs to cope with the depression which I know will make the schizophrenia worse so its a lose/lose. Every night now I lay in bed and listen to the voices telling me awful things about myself, usually in the voices of people I know, worst of all, in the voice of my dad who passed away 4 years ago that I never grieved over because I was so out of it on drugs. I feel so alone and I get so scared at night because I have been known to dissociate and black out and harm myself, coming inches from killing myself, literally (I had a gun pointed at my temple and the trigger was being slightly pulled, came to just before the bang). I constantly struggle with the decision of whether I want to live the rest of my life trying to deal with this horrible disorder, or if I want to just say game over and call it quits. I do not really have a point to this, I just needed to rant. I need help",Suicidal +11966,"If you do manage to get rich, women will come after you to steal it - because good artists copy and great artists steal so that they can run a story on you on how deeply flawed you are and how perfect they are. Why life is a rigged game because the internet is owned by women",Depression +11967,"Like the title says, I am miserable. There is not anything specific that should be making me feel bad. Like overall my life is pretty good but I am still just not doing well. I just feel like there is no point. I feel hopeless and like I do not know what I am supposed to do (obviously I know what I am supposed to do but.. you know). I do not know what the point of this post is. I just felt like.... I dunno. I am miserable",Depression +11968,I have been heavily depressed for years but always had a bit of fire left in my belly. I was able to defend myself despite feeling awful about myself. Now I feel so sensitive and lukewarm even when I know I should react. People have disrespected me so much and I have not reacted as I should. I just end up getting anxious and freeze up. How can I fix this? Losing My Edge,Depression +11969,"I am a drug abuser (benzos and meth mostly) and have been diagnosed with schizophrenia 11 years ago. My psychosis is getting worse although my drug use is ceasing. I dissociate heavily and I barely even feel like I am a real person typing this. The voices and visual hallucinations are constant, but worst at night when I am alone and not doing anything. My best friend barely talks to me anymore and its killing me to think that I care more about her than she does about me. Worth mentioning I am kind of in love with her. She was the best at calming me down in severe episodes of psychosis and was always so patient and caring and gentle. And now that I do not have her in my life anymore, its tempting me to use drugs to cope with the depression which I know will make the schizophrenia worse so its a lose/lose. Every night now I lay in bed and listen to the voices telling me awful things about myself, usually in the voices of people I know, worst of all, in the voice of my dad who passed away 4 years ago that I never grieved over because I was so out of it on drugs. I feel so alone and I get so scared at night because I have been known to dissociate and black out and harm myself, coming inches from killing myself, literally (I had a gun pointed at my temple and the trigger was being slightly pulled, came to just before the bang). I constantly struggle with the decision of whether I want to live the rest of my life trying to deal with this horrible disorder, or if I want to just say game over and call it quits. I do not really have a point to this, I just needed to rant. I need help",Depression +11970,Have you? Have you ever held your breath so long your tongue is dry as fuckHave you ever laid next to someone who does not know they want to be laying in the room next door. Have you ever realized you are on repeat in the worse way possible. Have you ever thought writing might help but it just makes you understand more while your by yourself. Maybe this is supposed to help but its only hurting right now. Just nice to write out my thoughts somewhere,Suicidal +11971,"I am single and never been in a real relationship out of the fact that that idea of commitment scares me and I have not met anyone that i feel comfortable enough to say i date them. Recently I have had a string of recurring dreams of women whether I am close to them or feel an attraction to them whether its a genuine connection or sexual pleasures varies but one thing is the same, i wake up and am saddened. After each one of those dreams my first thought is, it was a dream huh?. Although it is also my own fault since my inability to know fact from fiction in my dreams is addictive like being in a VR game where I am happy until i take the headset off. Deep down i find myself craving those dreams and try to lie to myself like i do not just so I do not think about how pathetic i feel. The truth is I am so alone and it scares me. Opening up to people personally is extremely hard since just like my choice of love interest, I am picky with who i talk with. Its easier to think of it has having certain levels of access. My closest friends having the highest access to my feelings and thoughts while everyday friends barely have access to what i want them to see of me. I have not had a close friend since early to mid highschool which was a few years ago and without anyone i trust enough to be a close friend I am stuck with my own thoughts trying to figure out how to feel. For the longest I thought id be fine, i did not need anyone else but truth is my own mind is eating itself alive and bit by bit I am losing parts of me and it will only get worse. I cannot stop it at this point. I have lost a lot of myself and fear this is the spiral to the end and I am desperately clinging for a hand that i ultimately will never take.I am sorry to the future person i choose to help me with this baggage. I hope to one day find one who can put up with me A cry for help even though I am too closed off to accept help",Depression +11972,"I have stopped talking to everyone around me. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I feel nothing and I lost motivation to do anything. I just want to keep sleeping and escape life. But even then life takes that away and does not let me sleep. People tell me Ill feel better if I go outside or if I force myself to do anything. But I cannot. I just want to keep sleeping. I have stopped going outside, I stopped talking to people. And I feel so guilty because of it. I feel as if I am leaving my friends behind and making them feel as if I do not give a shit about them. But I just want to sleep. that is all that keeps me happy now. Its all I have left Just want to keep sleeping",Depression +11973,"This is my first serious relationship even though I am 30. I do not know if its anhedonia, nothing is giving me joy right now. My boyfriend calls me the love of his life and wants to plan the rest of his life with me.I am over the relationship and him. I do not see this working long term.I just want to run away and move away. I feel horrible because he has been an absolute star and so amazing. But I feel like I am obliged to be with him. I do not miss him. I feel trapped.Is this my depression luring its ugly head, or is this super normal for everything to fizzle after a year. Is it my depression? Or am I out of love with my boyfriend after a year.",Depression +11974,"Right now I am in lockdown at Sydney and lately I have been feeling really rough, all my hobbies are being pulled from under me end am house bound like the rest of us my girlfriend is terrified of the virus and we agreed to not see each other until lockdown ends since we live in different areas and do not have any to risk anything. The last week she went a little quiet and I asked if everything is ok and she is come out saying she is second guessing being in a relationship as she likes her freedom of being on her own but she loves spending time together but her introvert personality does not know. I reassure her that I am happy to go at whatever pace she wants she just has to be honest and she brings up that she was never looking for a relationship on the app and did not expect to meet someone she likes this much. I never told her I have feelings for her just that I really like her and care about her, and she said because she is confused she feels so shit since we have feelings each other but the prospect of being in a relationship makes her uncomfortable right now. She asked for my advice and I said look right now if we end it it will not make sense, you just said you have feelings for me how about we continue to see each other after lockdown and of something happens it does. She agreed and stated she wants to try instead of just giving up. She lives on her own so I am thinking the anxiety and loneliness might be getting to her and she is a little in her own head? Even though we have been dating for 5 months I really like her. I have had a rough 3 years dealing with family loss, getting made redundant from one job, my business I started before Covid doing well then failing due to the pandemic, dealing with toxic relatives over an inheritance. Meeting her felt like it all started turning around and I started to feel happy for the first time in ages.Right now I am feeling so alone, confused and lost and I feel I do not have anyone to talk to about it Feeling so alone right now.",Depression +11975,"hi everyone, I am a 20 y/o male and I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the past few years. recently its been getting pretty bad though i feel worthless and unimportant. i do not see myself achieving what i want in life, and every time i try to bring it up with friends, they give me their blind confidence. you can do it man, i believe in you! none of it ever feels genuine though. i have a beautiful girlfriend who i care about a lot, i have a loving family, good friends, but i just do not know how i can talk about this with anyone. i do not necessarily want to go through with killing myself, but i do wish i was dead. does anyone have any advice on what i should do? idk what to do",Suicidal +11976,"Why continue living if your life is only going to deteriorate. Why continue living if it means you are going to continue to suffer,be dissapointed,be heartbroken, be neglected and just having to live know how horrible life is. I would rather end it before it gets worse. Why can we justify putting animals out of their misery but not people. We can end an animals pain but not a persons pain. what is the point of living if things are only going to get worse",Suicidal +11977,Perpetually alone. its no ones fault but my own. I just want to dissappear. Ill never get anything right.,Suicidal +11978,Educate me.I think I have had depression for awhile.Maybe even panic attacks from what I have researched but I do not want to go down that rabbit hole and self diagnose.Anyone care to give their two cents? What is depression in everyday life?,Depression +11979,"No human interactio, delusional thoughts, I cannot see my psychologyst since there is vacation. I do not know what to do. I feel like I am going to go crazy",Suicidal +11980,"Yes the pain is real. I have been around the mall once or twice. Those negative thoughts are just that, a moment, a single thought, a drop in the sea that is love.One day, One minute, one second, one more miracle to experience.You are loved.You are love.Someone commented this on a Reddit thread.I had to speak on it for people that I feel have the same mentality as me, but holy FUCK I appreciate anyone who has ever lent a hand to someone who needs it that did not ask, and their situation improved just off that interaction because it goes a long way.On the other hand, I have to she would light of the situation for those who do not have the same dark, repetitive, and hopeless thoughts.Bear with me :) this is my head.Your motivation is helpful in every way you wanted it to be..but in the right hands?? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Of course I hear you, and appreciate you; and others when you say people are here for me.but its like in one ear, and out the other. What can someone else do for methat I cannot even do for myself because I do not care.? Honestly. It comes hand in hand with depression obviously how little you care depends, on you as a person, and the actions you take from thereidk. Just speaking on how I feel right now of course. I have heard it plenty. do not make a long term solution for a temporary problem. I would never take my own lifebut honestly I am left feelingnothing. Every morning. Every night. Constant mental war with myself that I do not have the fight for anymore. I just do not care. I do not want the help. I know its therebut I do not see a future? I do not want a future? I just want to be done with life. there is so much bullshit, and toxicity in this world, and I have to go out of my way everyday to fake happy; to eventually, HOPEFULLY be actually happy. I am happy for a second when something good happens but OHHH WAIT here comes the shitty depressed train with all the thoughts, and emotions I left behind because they were running late for work with me this morning because I mentally could not get out of bed. Just an insight on how some of the inspirational stuff is looked at. you are a great person. everyone who reaches out is.just not everyone is willing to take the hand..including me. I do not want to help myself, why should I drag someone else down with me who just cannot understand my thoughts and mental state Yk? People that do not go through that unstable thought train every second, of every day I feel just look at me as a weak minded person because I cannot live with my thoughts.Which yeah, there is some truth to that, but in all honesty, I am broken. I know, and I do not want more from life. I am broken. are not we all though?",Depression +11981,"I get through every day by drinking on pills. I am trying to work on music stuff that will never amount to anything.I got cheated on roughly a year ago. She had no repercussions. I ended up becoming an alcoholic for months, and getting prescribed benzos that I abused. My life has been hell. I am withering, and have no reason to keep doing this. Love is dead to me, my family is shitty, I have no real friends. I am going to eat a bunch of benzodiazepines with alcohol to die.Somebody please help. I hate this",Suicidal +11982,...what made you do this?What was the final reason why you decided to commit suicide?Why did you change your mind? For those who tried ending life and changed their mind...,Suicidal +11983,"19M, i have a goal to reach, but I am too broken.cannot help it. mental illness taking the better of mebipolar disorder, overthinking, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, it is getting worse, i started cutting myself. small thumb cut to test things out , was not bad actually i can endure the pain, planning for more cutsi reached a point where i want to suffer more, i want my condition to get worse and worse, it feels so good. no idea why. i low-key find it dramatici cannot think straight. for years I have been holding this deep wound inside me, fuck just end me. a certain goal",Suicidal +11984,"Stuck in a loop. Everything is the same. The sun rises and it is time to start existing, I hate the slow burn. Nothing exciting. No friends. All the same. Feels like no energy everyday. Not sad just tired of people and existing. it is very heavy and I cannot keep walking. it is just a deep koma nightmare. I need to wake up. I cannot handle this run. Stuck in loop. I gave up. I do not shower, brush teeth. I lay in bed. I am a mess. People say hang in there. How long? Repeat. Same everyday. Life is boring. No energy just rotting. I am lost. I hate it. Autistic. No life. Everything keeps repeating",Suicidal +11985,Just lost my job today. It has not been a great week. I am feeling horrible. Lost my job,Depression +11986,"I will never contribute to society,I am incapable of being independent, and i cannot function in social settings.I also do not have the cognitive ability required to understand anything. Should i kill myself for being borderline retarded?",Depression +11987,"Long post incoming. Sorry, it is kind of a cry for help.When I was a kid, I was reading books like a madman. I distinctly remember the time the 6th volume of Harry Potter came out, and I stayed up all night, managing to read the entire thing in one sitting. I am 24 years old now and would absolutely not be able to accomplish such a feat. Years of sitting in front of screens and allowing that dopamine flow have wrecked my attention span. I get easily distracted by the smallest things while reading a book, constantly having to re-read paragraphs, ultimately getting frustrated and putting the book away for ""later"" - and a book that should not take longer than a week, takes me at least a few MONTHS to read.I struggle with studying, too. The entirety of school was easy for me and I did not have to study that much, so naturally I filled that time with video games and the internet instead. Since I was a shy, introverted guy filled with social anxiety who did not really have friends, I had tons of time to waste in front of the computer or the phone. By the time university came, I was in no way prepared and disciplined enough for it, I did not have a work or study ethic. I ended up wasting my time, dropping out of 3 different majors (Chinese studies, law and computer science) because they ended up not feeling right for me, and me lacking the attention span and perseverance to try my best. I still do not have a degree despite being 24. I am starting Sound Design this October, since I have determined that I am interested in music and sound and would like to pursue that as a career, but I fear my lack of focus will because me to fail that as well.Nowadays I am working in an office, where I naturally have to be in front of a computer for 8 hours, then I go back to a lonely home where I am going to sit in front of another computer or my phone until it is time to sleep - day, after day, after day. it is a job which barely pays enough for me to sustain myself, saving up for traveling, which is what I dream of doing, is off the table. I am lonely. I do not have a girlfriend, I do not exercise, I am overweight (not obese though), I barely spend time on any other hobbies. I could be amazing at playing piano and learning Japanese, which are two things that I am interested in, if only I was willing to spend as much time on them as I am spending on video games and watching stupid bullshit on the internet. But my stupid brain refuses to actually focus and I cannot get my shit together. I have tried making a change reducing my screen time a few times, but it always falls apart after a few days tops.I need help. I do not want to be a depressed, lonely underachiever filled with regret for the rest of my days. I am a depressed, lonely, underachieving internet/video game addict with no perspectives. Rant/cry for help",Depression +11988,"You hurt yourself with a kitchen knife, your grandma died, you have a terrible headache...I do not really care.Not because I am a cruel sociopath. it is because the pain you feel is the pain I am living with on a daily basis. People keep telling me to man up and stop complaining.So why should not you? Going through a divorce is a legit pain, but feeling so depressed that your brain is literally crushed is not? Ohh it will pass... Everyone feels down...Yeah right :) Sorry, but I am not sorry. At all.",Depression +11989,"I mean why. Well you will die anyway someday, why you could die now if you want ? Why it is considered bad and insane. In the past in japan for example it was a normal thing to commit suicide to remove shame of yourself and even honourable. It is ok to kill yourself this day too for some kind of protest. Then why you cannot kill yourself just for nothing? Even if you are not suffering much. Just like i do not know as a form of shame. Like i just do not understand why is it that big deal. All humans will die anyway someday what does it matter if you die some years earlier or later. All times it was ok to have honourable death. Let me have it. I just see it now optimistically and not negatively. Like you fuck up, you die. I do not know how to describe it but i see it now very optimistically. Like i do not suffer that much, but still want to die for all things i fucked up. I see it as relief, as a salvation from all fuck ups. I know i will sound like a kid but it feels so cool for me. Like the same feeling when you watch a movie with a ""tough good guy"" as a main character, who even when he is tough, he has his code ( like do not kill children, do not stab in the back, give a chance do defend himself etc.). Like those codes seems cool. This thing feels like a code for me too, so that is why it feels cool too. Why is it bad to kill yourself",Suicidal +11990,"Hello Reddit! I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. English is not my first language. Any sort of advice, words of kindness would truly help. Thank you.I have made a post on this account before, and writing my feelings out made my pain feel a little more bearable, so I hope this does the same. I was born in a typical central European family with a loving mother, a slight narcassistic father who I dearly love and my two older sisters. My whole life always felt a little bit misplaced. My school grades were always very good, and I was reading quite advanced books from an early age, which had some consequences like; growing up too early and costant boredom at school because I did not get enough of a challange. My social life had been very poor, and I was getting constantly picked on which resulted in a low self-esteem and depression. I was eleven when I first tried to kill myself. I was sent to a psychiatric hospital for about six months, and finally got off anti-depressants last August. (Two years later).This year has been very tough. After I switched schools I have met a boy who I had feelings for and for the first time in forever, I felt truly happy. After being friends for eight months, he lead me in the woods and took advantage of me. Things have not been the same. It took me three months to hug my mom after that. I never told my family, but I did tell my closest friends. It hurted seeing him laugh with his friends, living his best life while I was sitting at the back of the class holding in another panic attack. But I can always remember who was always willing to take a walk and let me rant about my feelings, spend some silly young times together and take on the world like it was ours. It was my best friend, neighbour and someone you could call a blood-unrelated older sister. She took her life a month ago, on the hill we used to make memories on.I wonder where she is now. Dealing with her death has been a very tough experience I cannot describe. Some feelings words just cannot get a grip of. I am celebrating my fifteenth birthday in five days, and I still cannot believe I made it this far. Maybe I do not have a will to live right now, but maybe my point of living is to find it.The stars shine a little brighter now that you have joined them, Ana. My best friend took her own life",Depression +11991,"As the title says, I am losing the battle rn. I need help. Honestly just knowing I am not the only one in this mindset is a little comforting. Bc it scares me.I am pretty sure I have had mild anxiety/depression(Atypical depression maybe even?)most of my life( I am 18) and just recently went on medication for it 2 months ago. I have always had rejecting thoughts in social settings, hurt high school friendships, and not until I finally sat with myself to accept SOMETHING is wrong with meI need help. I am sorry if this went nowherekinda how my mind is. Sprawled everywhere.Does anyone else just not give a single fuck?? Like..I know if I do not change my ways it will only hurt me, but I just have no will to live. I do not want to live, but I could not ever tske my life knowing the consequences, and pain it would bring on my family. I do not even talk to my family..Why is death all I think about.?No dreams..no aspirations..just want life to be over.Please tell me I am not alone LosingTheGreatDepression",Depression +11992,"I despise everything about being alive, despite that the concept of death shakes me to my fucking core. I have had suicidal thoughts as long as I can remember, but death still freaks me the fuck out, which is the only think that keeps me from ending it all. I do not want to keep on living, but the fact that death is so permanent and and an unknown feeling freaks me out so much more. So I guessing I am bound to keep on existing until its finally my time. I just hope it happens suddenly so I do not even know what is happening. God I wish death was not as scary as it actually was",Suicidal +11993,"Last week I slept with a married couple (I am a man) it was my first time receiving anal sex. We wore protection for anal and vaginal but not oral. I did not feel comfortable giving head without protection but it was expected of me anyway. He came in my mouth unexpectedly which I really did not want.They told me they would happily get tested if I requested it, but that was before I slept with them. Now that I have asked them to get tested they are ignoring me and acting like its a ridiculous thing to ask. The guy was gross, I felt disgusted after sleeping with him. I only did it because his wife is a 10/10, I have no idea why she is with him. This entire experience left me feeling like I am not bisexual after all.I have told my friends I had a really bad experience last week, but men just do not give a shit about things like that. They just make jokes to try to ease the tension. Made me feel like shit. And I am too ashamed to even suggest this experience to my female friends.I hate myself for this, I am worried about my health. I have had a sore throat ever since we hooked up and am going to get tested next week. But HIV and hepatitis require you to wait 12 weeks for an accurate result.I feel used and dirty. I hate this couple, they are such bastards. I have no outlet for my frustration and I can feel myself spiraling. Had a bad sexual experience and now really depressed with no support system",Depression +11994,"I have been extremely suicidal from a young age. My depression is biological, so I have had it since birth. I did not expect to live past 14, but I kept going. I did not expect to live past 16, then 18, then 21. I am almost 22 now and I feel the life being drained out of me.I never had a plan for my life. what is the point of preparing for everything when I was going to end it all anyways? You could say that I have friends and family to live for, but my only friend abandoned me and my mother is controlling and has narcissistic tendencies, and would willingly sacrifice me for her own comfort.I have no savings. I am in $2.5k credit card debt. I cannot escape my house and I do not have friends to room with. I feel like I am left with the option to end it all or sell an organ or two to make ends meet. I am so fucking miserable that even playing video games or just looking at fucking cat pictures makes me upset. Why am I goofing off when I could be working? What have I been doing with my life? Why have I spent so much time fighting?I am just so exhausted. I skipped meals for a whole day recently because I felt so guilty for wanting to spend money. I am tired and I want the pain to stop I have never had a future, and will not have one now",Depression +11995,"Ok so, since my last post I have been doing fairly good, up until tuesday.. WHEN I FELT AMAZING! I got a ball python, his name is Chad Slithers, hes amazing cute, and aslo amazing. I am doing so much better and therapy is helping a lot. I do not ever think about suicide so I am feeling really good about things rn. Love you all! I am feeling better!",Suicidal +11996,"I am barely holding on. The only reason I make it through each night is because I tell myself that the option to kill myself will always be there tomorrow. Since I was 17 years old, I have been dealing with what my doctor thinks is narcolepsy. I sleep all day and no amount of sleep makes me feel well rested. It feels like torture. I cannot afford to get the necessary sleep study to get it treated because I cannot hold down a full time job because of the amount of sleep I need each day. I just want to die to escape this hell. I am also in an abusive relationship that I do not have the energy to leave. He makes me feel bad any time I show any emotion or express how much I am suffering. It feels like I have no where to turn. Really the only comfort I have right now is that that option will always be there for me when I cannot take it any more I get through every night by telling myself that it will always be an option tomorrow",Suicidal +11997,"I cannot stand this world and the humans on it, people are so ignorant its insane, people are just filled with pointless hatred and act like saints when there sinners I cannot stand people who hate and jump on someone for there wrongdoings when they have done worse I have already failed killing myself twice and I cannot stand this shit, women are the most pointless and hopeless things to even invest your time to, for beings so emotional they do the most fucked up and emotionless shit ever not even men can compete with it, they ghost you, guilt trip, act like victims, get everyone on there side to go against you, shameless, cannot accept there wrongdoings and are just utterly vile things at this point there not even humans and men are just high egos,to much pride narcissistic, do not understand emotions and become shit fathers but they have a higher chance of change then women do, women change when its way to late but men do when they have seen what they did is wrong, women can be shown what she did wrong and will not accept it,the human race should just go extinct at this point truly a digusting world with such vile creatures and its only going to get worse I am so tired",Suicidal +11998,I been trying to Kill myself since I was 13.seven years later I still fill the same way .my feelings will never change.I just want to die .I am so tired of being alone ..today is the day I just end it all .my hope for a better future is gone .life will never get better.bye !! !!!! I want to die .,Suicidal +11999,"I am done, I have decided to delete my reddit account. I do not want to have a social life or similar any more. There is nothing for me outside of the door and there is nothing even virtually.Please be kind to others even virtually. Everyone has their problem, i know, but sometimes even a kind reply could help turning the day for someone.Find the time to be kind. There is always the time, and it worth the effort. There is already too much shit in this world, do not change it because is too late, but do not contribute either.Reddit was my only social app. From now on, i will be a eremite.Good bye. Last post.",Depression +12000,"I realized today that I have no more control over my concious. Maybe I never did. But I do not have the confidence or energy left to delude myself into thinking I have control over my life.I truly do not. I do not know who I am because I have spent the past four years never changing or trying anything new. Everything I have done was out of my own short-term survival, whether that may be work for school or trying to cope with stress through escapism.So here I am. I am 18, faced with reality, and I do not know how to comprehend it. Once more I do not know myself. I never had the self-love to take care of myself during my high school years. I hated myself, and destroyed a chance of forming an identity through my own fear and loathing.I do not know how to describe myself. I am many things but also absolutely nothing at all. Pretentious as that sounds, it illustrates the tenuous grasp I have of my own self.I do not know who I am. I have vague ideas of who I want to be, but I cannot do anything because I have no autonomy over my own feelings.I am in a constant state of inaction or drowning myself in escapism. I have college to worry about, I still have not chosen my classes, but how could I? I do not know who I am, and any aspiration I have ever had I have never attained because of misfortune or inaction.So I give up. I have been severly depressed for the last seven month. Every day I wanted to die. But this past month its gotten better. Why? Because of escapism and leisure. Whenever I face reality I become depressed and scared. I can only live through other peoples stories and dream.I daydream all the time. I can never manifest anything.So I give up. I have no autonomy over this person I inhibit. They feel like a different person entirely from me. They will not relent with their bullshit, bad habits, and stagnation. My spirit is different from my person.I know I will never find self-love, because that requires autonomy, decision making, and motivation. I have none. I feel deprived of anything.How am I even supposed to find a romantic partner if I do not know myself? I will always feel alienated, from myself and others.Love is so beautiful, but something I will never experience.I do not know where Ill be in a year, let alone five, but I will have made self-destructive decisions like always. Whether they be big or miniscule, I have always been too selfless. I do not mean that in a self-aggrandizing way, but in a negative way. I do not feel good about myself.This makes me sound depressed, and I probably am, but the feeling is more akin to apathy. Why even try if I will NEVER be happy with myself. Always changing my mind, always daydreaming. Every day I change my mind about who I want to be, so I am nobody.I am just here for the ride, for wherever my mind takes me. Down down down. I just will not feel the intimacy and love that others do.TLDR Anxiety killed me. Self-love and acceptance are vital to a good life. Life makes no sense. I do not understand my feelings anymore.",Depression +12001,"I have been so depressed lately about the pandemic, I have got sick once and it is not a fairy tale experience, I miss normality and where I live I still cannot get vaccinated because of my age. My boyfriend's work is a highly risk one because he sees people all the time and there is a lot of people at the same time in the same place, that is why we got sick once and now, his work has been presenting people (workers) who just got positive.I am right now at almost 4am laying down in bed at his side, he is sleeping, but I am just worried, he saw all of them today with masks on and he is been vacc too, but deep in my heart I fear we could (mostly me) get sick again and I really do not want to pass that again.I just wanted to share what I am feeling with a bunch of strangers, last time I went with people near me and it was exhausting because they care a lot but also insists of things and it is tiring.we will see this next 15 days goes by.I hope everything will be ok. So it begins... Again",Depression +12002,"I have noticed my school grades drop, I could care less, but I want to know what happens next? is there something in place for things like this to happen? you know, getting a good job and stuff. because I suffer from this mental illness and obviously fail to get any work done, I know I am going to fail this year (I do not think I am coming back next year for my last year) I just need to know if that is it for me. sorry if this is badly written or anything, its late and I am feeling pretty air headed. I am 16 and recently been diagnosed with depression",Depression +12003,I have a really bad back and am almost bed ridden. Facebook has blocked me for a month for an argument I had. People on Reddit keep downvoting everything I say. Its clear that the world wants me dead. I guess its time to do it. I am so depressed and about to kill myself,Suicidal +12004,"I just fucking hate myself, life is a living hell, mirrors are ugly, and i am too, i feel like black ink is spreading through my brain and i cannot stop it, i get a teensy bit jealous and then have a sudden breakdown because i feel horrible and stupid and spoiled,i ruined my life, i cannot fix it, if i was braver i would be dead, thank you fear, but genuinely kill me in a brutal,slow death. Please. Sorry I am here again",Depression +12005,"I have read so many peoples experience on Reddit with depression and it always makes me feel whole again. Like oh that is it! This person was just lacking self esteem! that is my problem too, If I study the six pillars Ill be back to normal. So I do and for a day or two I feel great. But the cycle always seems to start again. I am not even sure if its depression, but I sure feel different these days. I am 18 and when I was sixteen I felt so on top of everything, even looking back at texts I was smart funny, clever and arrogant . I had hobbies and never avoided people. Now I am isolated and anxious around friends and coworkers. Constantly thinking how to say things, what tone to use, is this an appropriate answer to this persons question and incredibly frustrated at my lack of real connection with anybody. Even my cognitive function I feel has gotten weaker, like a bon fire that has simmered down To a candle light. I started blaming the isolation with my family and now I think it was marijuana use. I hate going to my retail job, my mind blanks so often in conversation and worst of all my boss is a nice to me for the wrong reasons. He thinks I have a learning disability. My questions s where do I get help? And does anyone think I needs medication, I am fighting my dad because he does not think I need any meds and that I just have low self esteem? I think hes right about the self esteem , but maybe there is more problems like adhd or depression? Confused and frustrated needed to rant.",Depression +12006,"I just want to be rid of them. I have worked so hard to recover, been through multiple outpatient programs to try and recover from the psychological havoc they put me through, and lately I have finally been feeling great and optimistic for the first time in years. And then this bomb dropped on me. I think they are not going to stop until they can watch me completely crumble and die. I do not want to give them that. But I am starting to worry that I will never be free of them and that I will never feel safe. I will always have to protect myself from them. they will try to get to me any way they can. that is not a life I want to endure. My abusive ex is lying about me sexually assaulting them to get revenge for outing their abuse and I am thinking of killing myself.",Suicidal +12007,"No matter how old or how much experience you have in life you ever wonder why your choices have led you to where you are today and what is keeping you going day by day i wonder that shit everyday when i wake up feeling to need to sabotage anything meaningful in my life just to not have to endure whatever pain it brings like the past has brought i do not want to die yet but suicide is forever on my mind like if the opportunity arose i would do it but to those people that ""care"" why do they care if they really do why am i always here just alone nobody nothing just me always being treated like shit and my wild thoughts never done this before kind of scared to post it might even delete it but yeah have a good night all stay strong...sorry this is just all over the place If this feeling were a drug I am an addict",Depression +12008,"For the past couple weeks I have planned out everything. I am honestly ready to do it. I wrote my notes out and everything and I am content with going right now but there is really one thing holding me back. I do not want to leave my kid but I do not want to be here anymore. I cannot take it anymore. It makes me regret having him just because I do not want to put him through that. I am trying to come to terms with leaving him behind so that within the next week I can do it. I feel bad about what I am about to put my family through but its so hard to keep going. I am tired of crying myself to sleep. I am tired of trying to cover up the pain. I have done everything I can to get better. The meds, therapy, rehab, anger management classes just about everything under the sun and its not getting better. Is there anyway to try and keep my baby from painting a bad image of me for when he gets older? do not have anyone to vent to so I have a few things I want to let out",Suicidal +12009,my mental state is slowly worsening and i cannot stop it. i just want to be happy. i want to go to bed at night and not think about ending my life. i hate everything about normal life and societal norms and i want to be free from all of it. fuck. thinking about it more than ever,Suicidal +12010,"I am so tired of feeling blah and tired. Just blank stares and no personal true feelings of happiness. How long does this have to go on until it gets better. I just want to find myself and be happy again. Yet I cannot manage to concentrate to do anything or find the motivation to try. Sleep has become my escape also and dreaming is my favorite hobby. Its got to get better, right? Blah",Depression +12011,first id like to say I am sorry for posting this here but I am not sure where else i can post this i just really need this information so please bear with me. i was wondering what the best gun to shoot yourself in the head would be. I am hoping for an instant death without pain but I am worried that the bigger revolvers have too much recoil and i may miss where I am aiming. so if anyone knows the perfect gun please let me know would appreciate info not advice but thank you,Suicidal +12012,"I tried asking for advice and help on Reddit and got nothing but hate..I have nothing but regrets, whoever sees this I hope it encourages you to be nicer to strangers because you never know what someone is going through. Thank you and goodbye Reddit, I have no strength left. Goodbye",Suicidal +12013,"Hey, I am AJ. I am 26 years of age. From the you.K. I guess I feel like life has been very unfortunate to me. I live at my grandparents house, I have an alcoholic dad who I barely talk to and a mother who ran away with someone else was I was younger. I do not drink or smoke because of how my dad ended up I guess I did not want to be like him. I guess I have never really had a proper social life and the few friends I do have are online friends. I have never had a girlfriend or even a female friend in person before because I tend to stutter and mess up my sentences a lot when talking to women. Honestly I have even grown to hate the way I look, I feel like I am not attractive enough for any female. I work 6 days a week full time and the only day off I have I feel like I waste it away by playing games because I have lost all motivation to go out or do something productive. I have never had anyone to give me that push to help me get back on my feet. I have been offered therapy before but I refused it. I always think life would get better later on in life but now I am starting to lose faith. I have had suicidal thoughts a lot recently knowing maybe my life was just a mistake. I do not belong here. I am sorry Life really can be cruel",Depression +12014,"I thought it was getting better. I must be fucking braindead. How do I convince myself of such absolute untruths? It will never get better. I could not be any more painfully aware of this, yet I still manage to periodically find myself falling for idealist fantasies in which every waking moment of life is not pain. Every time I do this the crashing pain of returning to reality drives me one step closer to finally doing what I know is right. Why do I continue to live like this? I have no reason to suffer as I do, yet I live on. Is it masochism? Stupidity? Guilt? I do not fucking know. The only thing I can be confident in is knowing my time on this earth will inevitably be cut off by my own hands and nothing brings such solace and joy as that thought. I thought it was getting better..",Suicidal +12015,"Ps when I reach this point in life I know Ill be useless and pointless, how no one will care what so ever. And how because I am a man no one will help me at all and just judge me. Please help me I know this will happen and nothing I can do will stop it, I know it will happen and I am accepting of the fact Ill be raped one day and even abused. So I am a male so please do not be mean, I need help, I am depressed and I am now certain Ill be raped and abused when I get into a relationship. It feels as if I am not worthy for love because of my mindset and anxiety. I am also 100% sure no one will either help or save me when I reach that point.",Suicidal +12016,Why fucking why do we have to keep suffering like what in the world have We done that was so bad. I just want to feel better I want to feel better and be able to accept that too but I cannot seem to. I am at my wits end I am just so incredibly sick and tired of it I just want my life back or a life back. Its that or out done finished cannot bear it feel like every morning I am losing and I feel awful for that because I know there is people much worse than me who are desperately clinging to life. How bloody dare I but I just cannot help it I cannot and I want to I want to be better and not just for me. Oh ffs sake here we go again the fight begins. Here we go again I guess for another anxiety fuelled day fuck sake one morning I just want to wake up and feel settled and calm and normal.,Suicidal +12017,"As the title says, I am currently fighting depression and going to therapy trying to get my shit together. I have been trying to follow their advice but to no avail. Its also worth mentioning that I have social anxiety and ptsd too (shittiest combo in existence)I really feel like I have no energy to do the most basic of things and I still see the future with an air of impending doom. I really want to be happy. I am sick and tired of being depressed. I want to feel alive again for fucks sake.I was wondering if some of you all can share some tips that worked for you. Looking for advice on organising my life as a depressed person",Depression +12018,"Occurring to the doctor I saw I am not fucked in the head enough to seek help...So I started self harming (more than I was), but even that apparently is not good enough.So I am thinking of ODing on the big box of pills I have, cos either way, it is either going to kill me or I somehow survive it and they lock me away where I can get real help.The box has around 100 but I have done research on the type I have and I am not totally convinced that it will kill me, just give me organ failure and great pain, and I are not about that pain I just want the suffering to stop. Why are doctors",Suicidal +12019,"I cry myself to sleep sometimes, yesterday the bathroom had me occupied for 20 mins, it was 11pm so I had to hurry little things make me cry like someone taking my phone away, I mean its the first thing that I felt that I own, Give me a pen and I still do not think its mine The only friends I have are Internet friends and they do not even remember me Mental Breakdowns",Depression +12020,"I am 26 years old and feel like I have let a lot of time pass by with a lot of things I have kept for myself. I am someone who never allowed himself to have fun and ever since I graduated college I have been lost. I lost all my skills since graduating since I did not put any of them into practice, and I used be so good. Now suddenly I am antisocial (i was working on my social skills and was doing kind of better towards the end) and I always failes at making connections with ppl from how awkward I am. It sucks because (not to brag) I am a very good looking person, dress nice, and put a lot of effort into my looks but always on flight mode and I am so so tired of it. I am putting my cat to sleep next week and its the first death I ever had to deal with. I am 26 and feel so fucking immature and I am ashamed of myself. Of the way I always was behind my girlfriends back, ashamed of all my thoughts, ashamed of letting my career go to waste and never having the motivation to move forward with it, and always ashamed to have any fun since for the first five years of our relationship she would not feel comfortable with me drinking (never got drunk till i was 22) or even smoking a bit of weed (she did not even know I smoked since I was 22 until COVID and I used that as an excuse to start). Barely ever partied, never travelled, and never got to develop socially. I am not blaming my gf btw, this is all me blocking myself because I was too codependent to admit anything and still am. I feel like Ill always be in this loop. Its a personal hell and the more I see myself aging the worse I feel. I writhe in my sleep at night as I am now. I am fucked. I have Lexapro but never took it, I am afraid of risking my creativity. I still write but I suck and am very slow. Oh well. Stuck in a loop vent",Depression +12021,actually did some self care today..i cleaned my room a bit..and cleaned my sheets and clothes..and showered...so feel at least a little good...^-^ just wanted to share somewhere...,Depression +12022,"I hate everything. I hate my classmates who shout and scream all the time. Leave me alone. I hate people. No one loves me. it is just fake compliments and bullshit like ""it will get better, world is beautiful"" bla bla bla. I was better when I was little. Now it is just hell. Self harming frequency went up. I self harm to eat, wash and even sleep. I need that pain. I just want to feel alive. I have no energy. Why did you make me if you are not going to love me? Fuck that. I feel so empty. I do not know why I am still alive. Want to die but too much of a coward to kill myself. Wish I was never born",Suicidal +12023,"dude. I am trying to figure out how to actually be proud of who i am but its proving to be a herculean task. i just end up thinking around in circles, telling myself that I am shit and should just do better without rambling about all the garbage I am feeling. even making this post somehow feels like I am seeking external validation to make myself feel better. i do not know. i feel like this is something i have to figure out by myself, but at the same time I am going to go insane if i do not let all this nonsense out somewhere. my inner critic is so damn loud",Depression +12024,I cannot do this anymore. I feel so alone. I feel like a voice drowned throughout the chaotic waves Hitting repeat is harder every day.,Suicidal +12025,"Hey guys! My partner recently (2 months ago) suffered a bit of a nervous breakdown (for want of a better phrase). He was on citalopram for about 4 years previous to this and in January he started to slowly come off it, tapering the dose very gradually over the next few months until he got down to 10mg. At this point he hit a total low and got a shock so jumped himself back up to 30mg (not the best idea but he panicked). A few weeks later is when he suffered his mental breakdown, the weeks prior being full of mood swings, irritable, quick to anger, irrational thinking etc etc. Eventually it got too much. The crisis team got involved and the doctor decided that citalopram probably was not the best thing for him anymore so switched him to mirtazapine, cross-titrating it with cit for the first couple of weeks (8 weeks ago). After a couple of weeks they dropped his cit completely and upped his dose of mit to 30mg from 15mg. Its been 6 weeks since this point. At first he seemed to be getting better but about 4 weeks ago started suffering massively with depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, extreme paranoia (effecting our relationship), obsessive thoughts, total irrational thinking, an inability to keep the bad thoughts in, quick to anger, what he calls brain tizziness which is a physical feeling apparently, tunnel vision, all the rest, you name it. Hes really struggling and is at the point where hes getting really distressed and upset at the thought that hes the only person who has ever been through this and worried that it will never get better, or maybe that hes crazy. He was discharged from the crisis team 2 weeks ago but I fear that was too earlyI was wondering if anyone here has had such horrific side effects for so long? How long did it take for them to subside? What did you do to deal with them? Is there anything I can do to help? I will take any advice at the minute because it is awful seeing someone you love in this much pain and unable to help themThank you! Citalopram Withdrawal Side Effects?!",Depression +12026,"I suck at everything. I cannot talk to people, my old friends do not really like being around me anymore and I cannot make new friends. I have no skills that are beneficial or will make me money. I have never had a girlfriend or even been kissed and it seems like girls like me less the more they talk to me. I have blown every opportunity for a successful future.I just feel like I am not even the same species as my coworkers or friends. Am I even human?",Depression +12027,"I lost my mom then 45 days later I lost my 12 yr old son. My mom was sickly. she would told me she was tired. In the hospital, she had rallied. We thought she would be coming home. Then she did not make it. My son was extremely grief striken. I realized he was not ok. I sent him to therapy. 3 days later, he was gone. I found him. My only baby. I went to the store and when I got back, I found him. He is everything to me. And, life is not worth living without him. I have to see everyone else's children grow and reach milestones. But, not my child. I die inside more and more each day. 3 months after He left me. I could not take it. I failed and wound up in the psych ward for a month. That was in 2019. I am struggling to keep it together and continue to appear ""ok"". I know my biggest fear is that if I succeed I may never be reunited with him in heaven. But , it is almost worth it to not have to live without him. he is my baby. I also do not want anyone else to feel what I am feeling. But, most days, I just pray God will just be finished with me. I have been in a really bad place the last few days. I know I need help. But, I feel like I have no place to turn. I feel alone in pain and I am tired. Safe Haven",Suicidal +12028,"it is just to much for me to handle I cannot stand being in this useless body everyday its agonizing pain. I have pretty much failed in life I have no job, no diploma, no gf, no friends, NOTHING and all of my hopes and dreams are flushed down the drain. It feels like everything is my fault that is probably cus it is I am so worthless. I just wish I could kill myself the only thing stopping me is I am scared on what death will feel like I cannot take this anymore",Suicidal +12029,"Plan A: Run off alone to the city, wait for nighttime to get kidnapped, then whatever happens happens. Optionally wear the most revealing clothes possible.Plan B: Attempt to run away again, but get more physical with cops. Hopefully physical enough they just shoot me. Optionally have a weapon of some sort.Plan C: Brutally reject some incel so he may kill me himself.Motive: constant thoughts of being a financial and/or emotional burden to parents due to autism; more specifically, extreme meltdowns that become part of plan A. In addition, I do not believe unconditional love exists and I do not understand why they still love me after everything I have done. I even started openly looking for groomers again, even that does not work Well fuck, there is a plan B and C now",Suicidal +12030,"Had to put my dog down earlier tonight. I was already in a pretty big depression when she started getting sick and watching her slowly and painfully deteriorate just killed me. I finally let her go and it hurts so fucking bad. she is been my best friend for so long, we have slept in the same bed every night for almost twelve years, she was the first animal that was really mine. I have been responsible for taking care of her since I was like 7. I have felt so shitty the past couple months and I already felt so alone, but yknow at least I could come home and she would always be there. She was the one part of my daily routine I loved. Now that she is gone I just feel so empty and heavy and the weight of just how alone and meaningless my life is just keeps creeping up on me. I know I am not going to actually kill myself but I just wish I could be dead. All my problems would be solved if Iwasnt alive anymore. I am not even afraid of death I am only keeping myself alive out of guilt of not wanting to make my parents sad. I know I am grieving and it takes times but once the grief has passed Ill still just be exactly where I was before only without that tiny bit of joy and support that gave me some meaning. It just fucking sucks and I do not believe its going to get better. what is even the point",Suicidal +12031,"I have been on waiting lists for treatment for a restrictive ED for months now, but now my ED is changing and I am binging more and more and restricting less and less and I am frightened that i will not be egligible for treatment anymore once its finally my turn for treatment. It would take even more months and months to get treatment anywhere else. Its the biggest hope i had for my life to turn around but now it might be completely gone. I cannot cope with life in the slightest and i have never been this self-destructive. I was home alone for a week because my parents were on holiday and i got drunk 4 times during that time. i binged even more times, self harmed a lot, barely slept, just was really self destructive in general. my suicidal thoughts have been the worst they have been in months. i cannot function like this. I am 18 and my life is just a complete mess and its only falling apart more and more. i do not want to live like this I hate what my life has become",Suicidal +12032,I want it to stop. Everyone I love hates me. I am probably being cheated on. I just want to give up. I hate living.,Suicidal +12033,"did not wake up at the time I wanted today?*Maybe I should just kill myself.* did not feel productive enough today?*Maybe I should just kill myself.* do not feel motivated to work anymore?*Maybe I should just kill myself.* &#x200B;it is frustrating that at this point, killing myself is the easiest option for me. It just seems so... easy? So inviting? I think about it all the time -- like after the hard part -- which depending on how you do it, will be quick enough and after that it is just: eternal rest. It sounds so nice. Screw my family getting sad or something -- I will not even be there to grieve about the sadness I caused them because I am 6 feet under. Honestly, at this point I am so tired of keeping up with everything. I am tired of forcing myself to manage my emotions all the time. I forgot what it is like to *not* have to remind myself to keep a positive attitude. I forgot what it is like to actually .. have a purpose? To have something to look forward to in life?Really, I am just going through the motions now -- and I am sick. I am so so sick and tired. I hate how my mind turns every little inconvenience into a life or death problem",Suicidal +12034,"I would have never guessed there was such a thing like a compliment. I always saw myself like a horrible creep. A monster. While working at my job, a girl passes me by. ""Did you cut your beard?"" I thought she would make fun of me. ""By the way, you look nice"" My heart felt swollen and my chest compressed, I nearly cried all of my tears out. I never received a compliment from a girl in a lifetime.",Suicidal +12035,"About a year ago I dropped out of high school because I could not leave the house in the morning, since then I have been spending my time watching Netflix and listening to music. But now I do not even want to do that. Like why am I still here ? I have maybe 2 friends left I actually can tolerate speaking to, the only interactions I have with my mother are her yelling at me about how I am lazy and need to do better. I cannot understand why its so hard for her to get that I do not want to wake up in the morning. Like, every night I go to sleep hoping I do not wake up, and every morning its like a bad nightmare when I wake up. To do the same thing, hear the same constant abuse, and hope I have some freak aneurism. It just feels like I am on the edge of a cliff, and the next minor inconvenience is going to throw me off if it. Everything has lost all meaning.",Depression +12036,I think I am finally going to do it Life really is not worth living and I do not want to suffer anymorePlus I want people to know my pain was real and I want people to finally care about me and miss me Ofc I hate the idea of causing them immense pain but I have to put myself first I need to dieFull stop. I literally have no reason to live. I do not work and what is going to happen bc I am not doing anything is my step dad will abuse me and Ill become homeless if I get kicked out which I know is going to happen. Tbh Id be dead then have to deal with working Going to kill myself?,Suicidal +12037,I wish there was a cure for epilepsy of course Id say the same for any other incurable disease but honestly this just sucks I went 10 years fucking 10 years without having one then outta the blue BOOM I have one and then another and another etc. I have had at least 20 since the first one and its been only a month why did this have to happen to me like I swear each and every day and night I am like I do not want to deal with this anymore and my parents do not care about me nor does my brother and ended up getting to meds for it but those did not help my mental state ended up in the hospital again for that but I swear I just do not want to live another day when I just do not know when I am going to have another one because it has limited my life so much that it is exhausting to get through the day anyway I just really wanted to rant about this because its been bothering me for the past month. Thanks for Listening Epilepsy is a B****,Suicidal +12038,"I just fall in love with nothing. I like the little things she made like smiling, talking to me, laughing. Maybe she wants more of a person than a shambling mess of emotions. I just declared myself to a person for the first time. Despite thinking of me as a good person, I felt ashame just by asking. I want to build the walls around me again, so I will not suffer again. Love is stupid and makes you feel stupid.",Depression +12039,"Living is extremely uncomfortable to me. it is troublesome and exhausting, and life feels more like a prison than a journey. I cannot leave here and just follow the fate I want. I was born condemned to events I never asked to experience, and doomed to awful feelings I never asked to feel. Friends or entertainments can ease my constant pain of being alive, but these things will never completely save me. Time stops, and suddenly, years go by, and there you are, stagnant, with no one to help or support you. Or at least that is what happens to me. I do not help myself and I never will, because at first I do not even deserve the ""blessing"" of life. My life will have no direction and no happiness. it is not worth working so hard if I already know my miserable fate. What I can do for now is anything mundane or banal to my life. Smoking, drinking, mutilating myself, getting sick. Whatever. Turns out I will not have a future, and if I do, I will simply embarrass my family, or I will be in a hospital bed recovering from a failed suicide attempt, or I will be alone, completely poor and depressed. I do not want to live anymore but at the same time I do not want to feel like a burden for the rest of my life. I want to try to commit suicide, but I will probably fail at that too. Sometimes I think nobody actually wants to die. Nobody wants to forever mark the story of everyone who went through their lives in such a morbid way. But there is not another way. Abandoned people just want to end the pain, they want to be at least reasonably happy, but what is the point of trying to be happy if I will never reach complete happiness... what is the point of trying to insist on living, if there is not and there will never be happiness in my story? Actually, I love life, or at least I used to love it... I love human beings. I want to be sweet, kind, joyful, I want to love and be loved. Deep down I love life. But life does not love me back. And now I hate it. Then I live with unilateral loves. I mean all kinds of love. And I managed to fail in all kinds of loves I have known in my life. It hurts a lot to have to live without a will. I do not want living to be an obligation anymore. No one cares about my existence and I will never have any meaning to anyone, I do not and will never mean anything. I at least wanted someone to actually love me and admire me for who I am. I am in a long process of acceptance, and in it I am trying to accept that I mean a lot less than I imagine. I am aware that I am absolutely nothing, but I need too accept it. And it is going to be painful to get over it. I have no value as a human being, and I will try to be strong enough to accept my reality, even if it costs me my own sanity.In the end, living really sucks more than I thought. I am a burden and my existence is meaningless",Suicidal +12040,"i hate it and i cannot do this huh, why should i stay alive oh yeah sunsets and puppies, that is rightever since when did sunsets and puppies outweigh, what,, being screamed at by your parents, being told you are a failure, crying alone being ignored by everyone and knowing that the people you ""trust"" the most are also suicidal ha&#x200B;i literally would have done it already but i had nothign to do it with and because i wish this was something i did not have a choice in Title",Suicidal +12041,"I have been depressed for the majority of my life. So much of my life was was either an uneventful blur or I was depressed or extremely depressed. I did however go through a stage in my life where I would say I experienced genuine happiness. I think about this time all of the time and have realized it only amounts to a few memories. I cherish these memories more than any other ones but it does make me sad that there is such a limited amount of them. It feels as though happy people create good memories all of the time, they seem to have so many that they forget a lot of them. It also makes me wonder if the total quantity of happiness really is important, I am just grateful to have experienced any at all. An analogy would be does it feel better to have won 10 championships or 3 in your life time? Probably the more the better. I am still grateful that I have been able to experience happiness at all in my life, even if short lived. Now I am just depressed like I normally am. I only have a few memories in my life of being truly happy",Depression +12042,When ever I overthink I have a panic attack and sometimes even small things that you would not need to fuss about make me want to kill myself because I always think I am done for Overthinking related depression,Depression +12043,"It pains me to feel this way, whenever one tells how he feels to his loved ones, he always gets misunderstood, invalidated. I do not feel the pleasures of this earth, i feel no purpose, as if one is watering a dead flower, hoping and praying that it will bloom. It sucks, being diagnosed for major depressive disorder and being bi polar. I have been on medication for about 2 years now and nothing has change, you get episodes that lasts for weeks. Almost died for about 5 times already and still i am here. Still suffering. I starter going back to church re establishing my faith, opening my heart out go god, but its still nothing. I feel as if i walk this earth with its weight on my shoulders. I just want to attain peace and joy ik that is what all we want My thoughts",Depression +12044,"I am coming out of a really bad depressive episode, but I feel like the despair has been replaced with apathy. I feel essentially asexual. I do not feel excited if I imagine myself kissing anyone, or being with anyone. Dating and sex seems so far from the reality I live in. None of it seems very tangible to me. Idk if anyone else experiences this or if I am just weird. Fake Scenarios do not excite me anymore",Depression +12045,"I am thinking about it, logically, and the entire world is falling apart anyway, so what is the point in staying? Humanity is a mess. Climate change is happening right now. Everything is terrible. I am holding on for my husband, my family, my kitty, and my 1 friend. Is that enough? What are you holding on for? What are you holding on for?",Suicidal +12046,"When i was born til now, I am usually bad at interacting with my friends, cannot keep up with my study, thinking over the top of my head. So i know that something is wrong with me and it makes me feel depressed. On multiple occasion i told them about my condition and all the time they just told me I am too weak, their face look slightly annoyed and they just never talk about it again. Hence the fact that i never have the chance to go to therapy and i just will not tell them about my conditions again to make them feel good about themselves My family do not care",Depression +12047,"I quite my job hosting at a restaurant because the pay was not worth the stress, for those who care be kind to the front line employees. Been interviewing for almost a month now in my industry and every time it is the same, ""we are sorry but we going in another direction"". Fuck me, i cannot interview to save my life. i was miserable at my last job, I am miserable job hunting, I am tired of failing and feeling worthless i just want to die. I feel like a fucking failure",Suicidal +12048,i do not want to be here anymore :( i want cuddles,Depression +12049,"I have not ever told anyone everything and I am not exactly sure what this is even for, whether I just want know someone to cares, or maybe I just want someone to know and remember me.it is been a dark couple of days and I keep thinking that I am just so tired of being alive and in pain. I do not think I ever really want to die, but I definitely do not want to keep on living if life is this.I guess I should start by saying that I am privileged, I have access to free healthcare with no limitations on mental health, I have a therapist that I click with and is wonderful, I have a job that I care about and a mother that loves me. And still I cannot find any desire to carry on.I was a medic in the Army, and I was and still really am not ready to deal with the reality of it. I made mistakes and I cannot shake off the what ifs, should haves and could haves. I always remember that I made mistakes, I called things good enough, I did not speak up for the casualty when I could and should have, and it led to the picture in my mind that I always come back to, telling our Air Force JTAC officer that I was sorry and there was nothing left I could do. Worst of all, it was just the congruence of so many small things that added together to create the situation, so that the situation crept up on me and I was not aware where everything was heading until it was too late. it is really the guilt and fear that gets to me.I am afraid of myself, my actions and my mistakes, especially the potential of causing unforeseeable, unpreventable catastrophic harm. I do not trust myself to do the right thing, or to do the good thing, so I try to put myself in a place where I will never have to do anything. I am so scared that I will harm or allow harm to come to people around me, so I have withdrawn, and slowly tried to fade out of everyone is lives. This way I cannot hurt them now and it will not hurt them as much when I finally do go through with it. But this also scares me, because the idea that no one outside of my family and maybe 2 friends would really care if I killed myself is terrifying.I am cognizant enough to know that killing myself is a selfish thing, something that will because harm, instead of good for the people around me. I know it will be unfair to my family, my friends, my therapist, my coworkers, but that voice that says I am a fundamentally bad, unlovable, broken burden can feel so definitive. I have told myself that since I am an organ donor, it would be better because I will be doing something positive to offset partially the negative, but I do not know if I fully buy into it yet.it is been over 9 years now that I have felt like this, I have run through the rest of my 20s and it has maybe only gotten worse, or at least it definitely has not gotten better. I am now 32 and I am so fucking lonely. In that time, I have tried to kill myself, gone through a 4 month PTSD recovery program, had a loving relationship destroyed by my idiocy and baggage and then tried to kill myself again. I just got out of the inpatient wing of a VA hospital a couple weeks ago, after I checked myself in from fear of what I would do to myself and now, 2 weeks later, I am on the edge again. I do not want to die, I find that I am still scared of doing the deed when it gets close, the harm and pain it would because some people, but I do not want to live anymore without the prospect of getting better and I am so, so tired of being alive, in pain and unable to connect with other people. I do not see a future where things get better, and I do not see a future where I can keep going indefinitely which is fucked because I know how good I have it compared to so many people. I have unlimited medical benefits, and the Veterans Administration has been good to me. I believe in my work, and I have a great job here at the VA Medical Center, helping other veterans. The idea that I do something meaningful or bring positive things in other people's lives keeps me going, but then the darkest ruminations come in, where I can see how I harm people, because pain and burden in a shitty, destructive way. When that belief in myself is gone, then the resentment comes, the anger and frustration of how my suicide would hurt loved ones, holding me back. it is the frustration at the idea of being trapped, feeling forced to live for them instead of doing what I really want.If you have made it this far, thank you and I am sorry for even posting this, for creating something that will invariably because and spread pain to other people. I know I should not just share the pain, because misery loves company, but I am also just so scared and lonely and afraid that I will die without anyone ever knowing or understanding. I guess I just want this off my chest",Suicidal +12050,"Almost everything is looking up in my life. I just graduated as a nurse, got hired at a wonderful facility before I even passed my State Board exam... I have impressed my boss lady enough to get a raise already. Some residents are already saying they ""love"" me. I am kicking ass as a nurse, so far, especially a new one. But I am lonely. I am bisexual, but I lean towards liking women more.Some coworkers suggested dating apps. I, unfortunately, booted up Grindr, and it will not stop blowing up. Only a handful of lukewarm-ly attractive women swiped right on me on Tindr... I am really not ugly or anything, but despite having great facial bone structure, I guess I am virtually worthless in the eyes of the fairer sex? I will have a blast with another guy in the bedroom when I am trashed.. but.. I want the company of a female, and I guess I am not good enough.I may be bi, but I am not marrying a disgusting man. If I am too ugly to ever find a wife, I might as well terminate this experiment. My patients will get used to another nurse. Probably one with six pack abs, so women will not hate them. I just want to know what a good firearm to end my existence is, before I become an actual Incel. If only I would been born a female, the sex society actually cares about. Men are worthless. I am one of them. Many people of both sexes adore me, but I am apparently not good enough for your typical woman. Have fun with a 6 pack ab packing criminal father. You do not deserve the familial decency I grew up with. You asked for this. you are on your own. Bye, sluts! Your stanky-ass vaginas CRAVE men who can barely spell. Have fun being on welfare forever Best handgun for a quick exit?",Suicidal +12051,"I tried uh strangling my self, I do not know what I should do now I concerning help. I do not know if I should go to a doctor's or er. I did not think I really did it but my throat hurts when I try to swallow and there is a bruise I guess? I am trying to use ice to help it possibly? What should I do? I need help",Suicidal +12052,"When that feelings comes to me I just want end myself, and when I know I cannot i try forcing myself to go out, ride scary shit, go unstable online talking to strangers, then at night I feel so fucking horrible. when you talk to people about it, its like your problems are not even there anymore, you have to absolutely force yourself to tell them what is bothering you, and then when you think about, what the hell is bothering me anyway? What is it that is so awful that is bothering me? there is a few but not enough. I am so discontented with life. Even when its alright its never alright. I have nothing left, I have lost a few relatives and my parent is close to dying. I hate jinxing shit up. But my life was meant to be fucked anyway.I do not know what I even want, I am unhappy and I have had this for years until Ill be old and regret not taking the chances of life because I know damn well I will not be able to do all the things I am doing now, like sleeping or playing a few games that is not even fun, that shitty dreadful feeling is just hanging behind your body and its like wanting to take a shit but you cannot. but when I think of dying, fantasizing of how I die and the few days before I die, it feels a bit better. I remember as a kid thinking at least before Id die Id leave a thousand dollars stacked up on the floor of my room. I still imagine that sometimes, then Id run away far away to the golden gate bridge and finish this life I have Talking to people is so forced",Depression +12053,"I did it...I could not suppress myself any further from inviting my old friend to comfort me by painting my wrists red. It felt relieving like never before, & now I want to keep going. It sucks I have 2 partners who will stop me to try & figure out a different method of overcoming, but nothing NOTHING else has ever really helped. If only they knew they are part of what is driving my mentality low when they cannot gawd damn understand me. I guess I cannot entirely blame then though since we are all individuals with different thoughts & personalities. it is just not the same when I was young. I do not enjoy reading, writing, doing art, watching movies/shows, going out as much as I use to. Therapy do not even cut it either. Those fucking therapists just take your $ & ask all the same bullshit questions to dismiss you in the end when they have had enough. Life suckz Relapsed",Depression +12054,"I am just a useless piece of shit. I make my whole family stressed. Even my dogs do not like me, I am just always angry and I cannot stop it I cannot think right. I burst out randomly and I just cannot stop it. Even the littlest things will turn into something huge because of me. I am so screwed up and my family still deals with me, I do not deserve love I do not deserve kindness. they would probably be happier if I was gone, if I never existed. I bring them down with my negativity, my mom said she wanted me but I know she definitely did not want a child that stresses her out. I am so fucked up that I cannot even make friends, if I make a friend I just screw things up and we end up not being friends anymore. I only have one friend who is probably just staying with me because of pity. My step father said he would leave my mom and even his ow children if I do not change. But I do not know how to change, even if I was disciplined it would not make a difference Id just find a way to avoid it or deal with it. I am so fucked up I do not deserve anything I do not know what to do. I do not deserve anything",Suicidal +12055,"I have lived in my own apartment for a couple months now and I do not know if its because I am depressed or if every young homeowner goes through this. But my apartment is disgusting. there is trash everywhere, I have bags full of trash, and I just do not have the energy or motivation to take care of it. I barely have the motivation to take care of my cat who is my world, but believe me hes taken care of- it just might take me an extra half hour. I am very good at procrastinating, I will lay in bed all day and it really bothers me. I hate living in filth and I want to do something about it but I just do not have the energy. Does everybody go through this in the first monthMonths of owning their own place? Well I grow out of this phase? I really want to make this a comfortable place but I am so tired. I feel bad that my cat also has to run around and play in trash because I am lazy Home owning/living alone",Suicidal +12056,"The reason I am posting here is because I do not have access to professional help. But I have not been ""myself"" I guess is the best way to say it, I mean sure yeah I can have fun, but good things can happen to me and I still just feel empty, I have horrible recurring intrusive thoughts, I do not have any reason to get out of bed in the morning, I feel horrible about myself and I also always feel like my friends hate me (I know they do not but my brain tries to convince me otherwise) I am never energetic, I do not really feel any empathy for people either anymore. Pretty sure I have insomnia too. I have started isolating myself from people I love and most importantly I have a r e a l l y dysfunctional family, does anybody have any thought on this? :/ I think I might be depressed",Depression +12057,"i cannot deal with seeing another kid being left to bleed out on the street, or another dog being cooked alive. I cannot handle seeing these videos play automatically, or randomly play the sound of these violent videos anymore. I cannot handle seeing another video of a person being sexually assaulted, or a kid drowning in a public fountain. it is driving me to my wits end. the second I see these videos I can not stop thinking about it. I feel so sick I can not sleep because of stomach pains and my mind racing, playing these clips over and over. this app is not safe anymore. I have nowhere to turn. I cannot handle this. and there is nothing I can do to stop it from making me feel this bad. if moderators find it okay then that is that, and even if I block the people who post it it just gets reposted. I feel so disgusting and hopeless.I know no one will see this, and I am not looking for someone to tell me that those videos cannot impact me, or I am over reacting. I cannot handle that.being depressed before all this sucks, having a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts/actions sucks. I cannot handle scrolling through my feed and seeing someone spam that video of a snake being fed a live and healthy puppy in a god damn safe for work subreddit. I cannot do this anymore. the amount of animal and child abuse/torture/death on this app is making me want to kill myself.",Suicidal +12058,"Being adult is going to be the worst thing. I am currently not one but I am fucking terrified. cannot wait till everything I love to do (play videogames, talk to friends and family , watch and write about movies) will become unattainable! All of my time will be wasted away at a deadend job or at college learning about some bullshit I do not care about so I can make money to not die. The only thing keeping me afloat is all the great people in my life who I am so lucky to have. I am so fucking scared that one day they will not be enough to sustain me and I will die. I do not want to be an adult",Depression +12059,"I do not like anyone, trust anyone, or love anyone. Even if there are people like me ill never find one cuz were all stuck in our own worldI have not been depressed for so many days this year. Yes I had suicidal thoughts last month but this time it feels worse. Even suiciding seems meaningless. Like I am already dead so there is no need to kill myself twice. Even suicide seems meaningless at this point",Depression +12060,Inhale and exhale. You know sometimes its good to just remember what went right. I was born in America into a upper middle class family. At least I was not born in Honduras or the slums of Brazil.I should learn to be more grateful for other things in my life. I am so overwhelmed with self hate that I am blinded to my other privileges. I will sleep now and think about this further Deep breaths,Suicidal +12061,I fucking hate my dumbass brain Sometimes I am sad and anxious for no reason,Depression +12062,The Title. If Covid Restrictions do not End by December 2021..... I then do not know what to do with my Life.,Suicidal +12063,"What i have realized is there is absolutely no point in living life yes we are all depressed but it does not matter weather we are happy or depressed we are just floating in unknown infinite space for 70-80 years just to get depressed most of the time, we do not know who we are, we do not know what reality is we just accept the standard of so called society and world and mark our self as failure and there is no reason to go on living THIS DOESNOT MATTER THIS IS A JOKE ! YOUR FAMILY ,YOUR RELATION, YOUR FRIENDSHIP WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING HOW WE EXIST HERE AND WHY DO WE HEAR THIS SOUND INSIDE THE HEAD WHO IS THIS WE WHAT IS UNIVERSE WHAT IS OUR EMOTION WE KNOW NOTHING AND NOTHING MATTERS Depression Laughter",Depression +12064,"I am contemplating joining the forces to be at the top of the fall out. I consider myself fairly fit, and have a go bag but what are the feelings overall in this community. Do we give up- or would sociatal collapse be out reason to fight?? Guys. Are we nearing the end. Id like to know.",Suicidal +12065,I just wish it could end. All the pain. Next year is going to be horrible. I am going to try my fucking hardest to make friends and ill fail. I have no relationship and I am never going to get one. I am just so fucking pathetic. If i do not make friends by the end of 2021 I am going to kill myself. I just want to die so muchhhhh please why am i here I have 0 people irl anymore and its my fault,Suicidal +12066,"No one cares about guys at all. I could die and they would be mad at me not sad or anything. I feel like a tool not a person. Whenever a guy gets angry cos that is the only way we know how to vent, were called assholes or when I try and vent like a normal person I get called a drama queen. Especially when they get used to you never talking about your feelings, like when you do you can see them liking you less cos now they have to deal with your emotions(Most people)I hate how I see people talking about their issues and everyone is supporting and I get angry (internally) not that they do not deserve it but watching someone do something I crave so bad but cannot do, makes me so sad I just do not understand why",Depression +12067,"Depression, anxiety, bipolar, and trauma have governed every aspect of my life fo as long as I can remember. I have had multiple suicide attempts, rehab, every antidepressant known to man, and nothing has ever gotten better. I am currently on medical leave from my last suicide attempt. No one in my life knows, I just pretend to go to work everyday.But now I am finally at peace. I am going to see my all-time favorite band in NYC soon, see the sights, and go to restaurants I have been wanting to try for years. I will not be coming back. I have tried to end it before but this time its different; I feel at peace. I am able to go out on my terms while crossing stuff off my bucket list (rather than the usual abstaining because I am paralyzed by anxiety). This last month since I have made this decision has been the best in 9+ years. I am not sure why I am posting this other than to put something of myself out into the ether, I guess in a vain attempt to avoid being completely forgotten. Thank you all. I feel better for the first time in years because I finally know its ending.",Depression +12068,PleaseIm losing it and the hotline does not helpEveryone is a liar I need help,Suicidal +12069,"I continue to struggle with meaning and each success seems to bring with it failure and upheaval in my basic needs which stresses me out more and makes me less hopeful about a stable future for myself. I accept that much of my depression stems from getting off of certain drugs and that leading to my seratonin system being off kilter, and I am trying to do things to fix that, like working towards getting on an antidepressant but it just feels like I cannot do anything right and I keep endangering my basics. Like I was kind of down 2 weeks ago, which was exacerbated by a gout flareup which took my ability to walk away for a week. At the end of that flare, just as I had gotten on meds to stabilize my uric acid levels so I could walk, I had a relapse on painkillers and messed up a shared bathroom, leading to leakage in the apartment below and to my imminent eviction from my place (as soon as possible by the end of the month). I am crossing my fingers that the woman whose upstairs area I was planning to move in at the last week of August let us me move in early, and I quickly put an end to my relapse and have an appointment for vivitrol next week (the relapse was at the end of a vivitrol cycle), but it is difficult not to get down on myself, especially as the prospect of homelessness quickly approaches and I only recently managed to free myself of that condition. I just feel like a fuck up, am afraid that I will keep facing this failure repeatedly. I am trying and will not give up anytime soon, but continue to remain frustrated by my continued accrual of consequences which keep adding stress. I do not know. I hope you are having a better week/month/year/life than I am. Keep on keeping on. I hope I can stop making my life more difficult soon. it is frustrating and depressing.",Depression +12070,"I have OCD and depression. Those two things combined made me cut off my online friends for six months with no explanation. I truly do not deserve them, they accepted me back into the group just like that. They did not pressure me for an explanation, but I felt the need to give one anyways. I feel so guilty that I missed six months with them just to wallow in my own sadness. I am not going to do that again, I cannot. Thanks for reading I guess, this was a bit of a emotion dump. Hey, I am uh, I am trying",Depression +12071,"I want to reach out to certain people and try to make friends, but I think I come across really stupid sometimes and it makes me not want to try. I feel like I mess up every interaction I have just because my brain is so slow now. I want to make friends but my brain is just too foggy",Depression +12072,"I failed out of college. Community college, because I was too dumb to start applying to colleges right out of highschool. I am actually pretty smart, which only makes it more embarassing. All of my friends either went to university, or graduated from community college by this point, and want nothing to do with me because of how embarassing it is that i failed out. I cannot join the military, as I am a type one diabetic (was born with it as an autoimmune disease). I have no fucking future at all. No chance at life. I have no friends anymore. My family is beyond fucked up. Dad's a drunk and mom is a schitzo. I hate myself beyond words. I should have been a better friend. I have been such a terrible friend all of my life. does anyone else have a similar story? I am such a nobody and I have no chance to change it because I ruined my life already. College dropout who feels like there is absolutely no future for myself",Suicidal +12073,"cannot ever seem to get caught up at work because I am constantly interrupted by people who seem to think I am the manager but I am not. (The real manager is just a moron and I am not the only one who thinks it). Feel like I am drowning everyday and just expected to take on more. Generally ignored by friends and family. No one gives a shit what I say or do. When I try to talk, I am constantly talked over and made to feel like I should just shut up. Doing some necessary work on the house was double what I was originally quoted.Washer and dryer broke and they were not worth fixing so there is another couple grand to replace them.Garage door broke and Ill have to pay a repair guy to look at it. Goodness only knows how much that will cost to fix. Ran over a shredded 18-wheeler tire in traffic that I could not avoid and it smashed up the grill on my car and maybe the undercarriage, so there is my insurance deductible too.All of that was in the span of 3 weeks and I do not have the money for all that at once.Jfc can the world just leave me alone for a minute? Just stop. One damn thing after another",Depression +12074,I have been struggling with feeling like I am drowning lately then out of nowhere my marriage crumbled today. All day I have fought suicidal thoughts. I wanted to talk to my spouse about watching our children for a few days while I seek help. Before that conversation could get started he told me he wished my attempt last year had been successful. Why am I still trying to live? Feeling lost,Suicidal +12075,"Left my role as a support worker at the start of this month due to getting an electrical apprenticeship which I have been trying to get for about 6 months now. Been really happy with it up until 2 weeks ago, have not heard from my boss at all, tried contacting him and nothing. Tried to go back to my old job and my shifts have been filled, extremely stressed at the moment. I am 23 years old and trying to build a better future for myself but been fucked around and now out of a job pretty much. Extremely stressed.",Depression +12076,I am scared and alone and I am in large amounts of mental pain Please help,Suicidal +12077,Why do I always feel so fucking alone I am tired of it man I do not even know why I am still alive or why I am still trying scared of fucking it up I guess because I fuck up everything I do not know and this point I am about to hire someone to kill me or something Blehh,Suicidal +12078,"the past nine months have been a struggle. i force myself to sleep so that i do not have to feel the feeling of being numb but I am tired all the time. i wish the thoughts would just stop. i long for a moment of clarity, a moment ofpeace, a moment of silence. i have no support system. everyone tells me to get over it or that i have no reason to be sad. i hate feeling this way. i miss the person i was a year ago, it feels like that version is so far out of reach. i got put back on my meds today. i feel like such a failure.",Depression +12079,"I am laying in bed alone. My boyfriend and I got into another fight about my reaction to him cheating on me. He hurt me so bad and I try to stand up for myself and I asked him for some extra affection to help me feel better because I was having an especially hard time dealing with it today and he told me I was being psycho about it. Deep down I know this is not good but I love him so much I genuinely do not think I could live without him. I almost feel like I would let him hurt me like this over and over it it meant that I could just see his smile and feel his arms around me sometimes. I have such low self esteem and I know this is not normal but like I am struggling with an eating disorder, hate how I look with a burning passion, am going nowhere in life career wise, and just bring down everyone around me with my anxiety and depression. I know this for a fact because my boyfriend told me that I radiate negativity and that I have ruined his day again. I just truly feel that the lives of everyone I know would be better if I was not in it. I just hope I do not wake up. Like I truly, truly hope that I go tonight. I cannot do this anymore. I genuinely hope with everything I have that I do not wake up tomorrow",Suicidal +12080,"I certainly do not feel happy. But this odd mix of feeling alone, snappy, pissed at myself for my life's mistakes and my parents are not helping either. When i tell my dad to stop yelling at me, he just yells harder. When I tell him why am i doing this wrong, he just straight up smacks me. And what am i getting wrong? Math. Whenever i tell him to shut up because his yelling is not helping me think, he smacks me. Heck, there was a period of time where i was scared to be around him because I thought he might snap and kill me. I was 7 back then. He has given me death threats, threatened me with belts, threatened to stop my education and whatnot.And no, I am not calling the cops because apart from him and mum (I am under 18), I have no where else to go really, especially in these times. I just do not know how i feel",Depression +12081,"We are in a predicament. did not think I would make it this far.This whole summer, I have held off on my responsibilities for school. Thinking that I would switch majors, drop out completely, or off myself. I have come to the conclusion that yeeting yourself out of this world is hard asf. Literally if there was a switch I would go. Painless and certain. I thought I tied up my lose ends by having my death just be a thing for my school to find out. I quit my job unprofessionally. I fear and hate work. Making mistakes and rejection is self sabotaging. Its unrealistic I know, but its the fact that I will be unable to maintain a job thus making me homeless. Lack of motivation to study and getting a new job. I am a choosing beggar at this point. Pretty pissed at myself for not being strong enough to go through with the many plans I maladaptively fantasize about. I really stand in awe as people my age have moved out, develop socially and intellectually, and have a good financial background. Smh I am just in my own world and when reality swings, it hits hard. I almost went through but the uncertainty of success/ a little bit in me that wants to survive. Well well well",Suicidal +12082,"What about the selfishness of those of you who did nothing to help while I suffered just so you would not be saddened by my death? All because I succumb to my mental disorder... somehow that makes me selfish suddenly despite suffering for all of you my whole life. Fuck you all Why is it seen as selfish to suffer for decades on behalf of the feelings others have for me, and I suddenly break and decide I want to commit sui?",Suicidal +12083,"I do not have any energy left, waking up from bed feel like a chore. I am an emotional mess nowadays, crying at times and other time, I just feel numb. I just lost my appetite. I always wanted to be a doctor, but I did not got a medical seat in the entrance exam, so I joined the engineering college which I never liked in the first place, but I did not wanted to waste another year in repeating the medical entrance, so I joined the engineering course. I never got along with my teachers, as I was a student who came to the college via intercollege transfer from another engineering college, they never paid attention to me or helped me in the subjects. At the final year seminar, they purposely cut short my internal marks in that seminar. I had enough of that, they had already caused enough hurdles to me in those 3 years I had been there. I decided to not pursue that course. My 4 years of my life has been wasted. I sat another 3 years doing nothing. I was already depressed about not being completing the engineering course. I spend the next 3 years mourning about it. I sometimes feel like to try again for medical entrance one last time, but I do not have any energy left as I see my school friends has achieved a degree as well as a job in all these years and I am at the bottom trying to reach somewhere in life. Also, a lot of friends had been married or engaged and here I am 26 and reached nowhere. I feel like a utter failure. Sometimes, I feel like if I get a medical seat, by the time I complete it, I would be a 32 year old and who would marry a 32 year old woman in a conservative country, unless a divorcee or a widower with kids. On, the other hand my mom, is pushing me to get married and looking for grooms in matrimonial website for me, as I am ancient according to her as I am 26. Even, when I told her a thousand times that I am not mentally prepared to get married nor I like to live with in-laws she never listen to me. It makes me more depressed than I am already is. I always pray that I just die in my sleep and never wake up the next day. The only reason, I am not committing a suicide is because I do not want to be born again in this earth if reincarnation exist as I had cut short my life by suicide, then I will be born again to complete the remaining time I would have been alive in past life in the reincarnated life or if a life after death exists and I will not be allowed to meet my loved ones on the other side because I took my own life. I did not believe in things like this, but I came across a youtube channel called matt fraser a psychic medium and whatever I had learned from watching it is this that life after death exist and I do not want to take chances to not meeting my loved ones on the other side that is the only reason I am not taking my life. I feel dead inside. I feel dead inside",Depression +12084,"hi, I am 19.I am undergoing chemotherapy weekly for an auto immune disease, the chemo makes my hair fall out. I am currently taking heavy medication to combat the hair loss but it causes erectile dysfunction, so i have to take medication to combat that. i also have to take another medication to combat the chemo making me feel sick 24/7. i studied to be a personal trainer but discovered i cannot really gain any muscle due to the chemotherapy and lost motivation. my condition is also not curable and i will be undergoing this treatment until i die. i have bad acne scarring on my face and have been diagnosed with autism and depression. i had a girlfriend but she left me when she found out what my race is. my parents are divorced and i do not have any friends. i was smoking cannabis everyday to combat medication effects and my body has now become reliant on it, this is an illegal substance in my country. i do not know what to do... reading this back crying makes me think all i wanted was a friend to talk to about my problems but nobody fucking cares. maybe someone will read this when I am dead. Would you want to live in these conditions?",Suicidal +12085,"I do not know what I am going to write here. I just need to express my dumb ugly thoughts. I kept hitting myself I the head this not ing, I have been crying ever night and morning lately, and it hurts physically Anxiety has taken a hold of me. And it is all because I am such a fucked up loser that everyone dislikes but no one knows why they dislike me.I am tired, I am tired of the loneliness, the self hatred and my lack of any confidence. But how can I be confident, I cannot. I am hideous, like a clown. I am horny but I cannot possibly imagine someone wanting to be with me physically.So I work, and it is exhausting, and when I am done for the day I lay down to recover, and when I am done, I have to get ready for work again.I do not have the time or energy to invest in improving my life, because I have to work, you do not hate working I just, it is tiring. And I am losing touch with the thing used to like to do.I have no time, so self live, no sex, no lovers, no time to get it togther. And you can feel myself coming apart.I am dying, choked to death on unresolved emotions, other humans comments, sweet dreams and a mirror that makes me cry.Someone hold me, hold me tight and whisper. ""I got you"" just for an hour, just for a moment, someone else, please hold me togther and see my crying pain. Becoming undone alone in the shadows is being choked under water screaming A mushy splashy brain sauce",Suicidal +12086,"Everyday I wake up.Vitality drained before I begin the day.Even when I get appropriate sleep. Not like I am ignoring my friends or hobbies.Today I thought about not existing.Unlike last time I did not drink. Alright that was a but dark. Lately I have been receiving positive attention. Lately I have been feeling as lonely as ever. You know, I think I am trying.Eventually I will be happy with myself. Eventually I will not think this way.Eventually. Eventually",Depression +12087,I feel myself slipping away from everyone and everything. I only sleep when my body requires it and it shuts me down. I lay in my bed at night staring into darkness while crying for seemingly no reason. I walk around numb and it feels so wrong. I feel empty and emotionless while are the same time suffocated by the shear sadness of my reality. I am getting to a point where death seems not like a burden or something to fear but the only thing that will make me whole again. I do not know how to feel anymore.,Depression +12088,"I have never been lied to as much as I have with my ex. Now that its over, everything is adding up. This is the worst breakup I have had and I am just so fucking disappointed that I let it get that far. I hate myself. Fuck. Lies and cheating",Suicidal +12089,"Once upon a time, I am pretty sure most of us had a relationship that has left you broken huh? A relationship is super overwhelming all the time, the constant fear that your significant other will leave you. They will leave you unfortunately, I learned it the hard way and I am sure others here had devastating relationships worse than a bomb dropping harder than Hiroshima. Once you hear the words I am breaking up with you you know damn fucking well you should have stuck with the drugs and alcohol until you see the afterlife. If you do not want to get hurt, please do not listen to your instincts about how the boy/girl you have met at school is going to be the perfect soulmate. There are better things to do with your life, if you are single, think about all the freedom you have instead of all the bullshit you have to deal with your girlfriend telling you you should give me more love and affection instead of hanging with your damn friends or your boyfriend telling you do not dress like that to impress other boys or I am going to get pissed at you. Fuck all of that bullshit, do not get blindsided by the fact that you are going to enter a whole other world of devastation coming your way. There is no perfect person for you nor for anyone in this universe sad but true. What the hell is the point of having a damn worthless relationship? They will end up being horrible flashbacks anyway.",Depression +12090,"i have not gone to school in weeks. went to the mental hospital and have not gone to school since then. my mom keeps telling me that my studies are important and that i am not realizing what i am missing out. she asks me how i am able to not feel guilty for missing out on my studies. she scolds me for not studying. but no one in my family actually realizes my mindset. i hate life and i give up on everything. i do not want anything. i do not want to get better i do not want to get worse but i do not want to stay like this either. i do not even know what i want. but i know that i do not want to do anything. i am ready to die, but i still have not started planning my next attempt. I am still scared over what happened the last time because i ended up in the mental hospital. the only thing that is keeping me from doing it ( i think ) is the fear that i might fail and end up in the hospital or that i will have to explain things to my parents. I am seriously done with everything i have no energy pls i want to go away.i think i have exams next week. i went to school for maybe 4 or 5 days after the online classes ended but nothing went into my mind. i still have last month's homework left and i have not learnt anything from going to school in the past 2 months. i do not see the point in anything and i do not know what to do anymore. there is nothing left for me.if anyone could give me some ideas to find some motivation to do it, i would be very grateful everything is tiring",Suicidal +12091,Why do some people have to suffer and struggle to get the smallest things in life right? The most simple things like a healty family and a good upbringing people cannot have and this screws them up for life. Watching other people get love and seeing how happy they are when you have never recieved love and you probably never will because your screwed up from your past and you now can fight as hard for what you want but the chances are high that you are not getting it. Life is a waste living like this when you will never live a normal life and keep watching others get the better things in life and get treated better. And all you can do is sit and suffer because there is no way out. Why are not some people worth a good life?,Suicidal +12092,"I have no clue where to start this... its nearly 2:00am and I have been outside marinating in my own depression for a few hours now...i want to type this out in a way that people can relate with me.. i know that so many people out there are going through tough times and battling their own mental health issues. i hope the best for all you..i have been trying so hard to become a person i am not sure I am capable of becoming... i feel like i have the potential to change my world but everytime I climb a few steps it feels like the walk to freedom becomes longer..i come from a traumatized drug ridden family. I am hands on battling my brother and mothers issues... both homeless and addicted to drugs. I am trying to walk them through their recovery but consistently becoming overwhelmed with the pressure that comes with the journey...i wanted nothing but quick success my whole life. and i was always successful in my endeavors so eventually i built a feeling of invincibility... that did not last very long.. life beat it out of me over the course of a few years.... i have the worst video game addiction but it is what i have used to cope for so long...i want therapy but do not want any fkn pills. i want to help my family in their recovery but i am terrified of a phone call from the rehab i checked my mom into...i love my girlfriend more than anything but have been balancing both of our feelings for over 7 years....i have tried to explain the way i feel to others but nobody seems to understand. they always give the same advice... let your family deal with their own issues, take anti-depressants, stop playing games... shit are not easy, i do not believe in chemical imbalance, do not agree with the if they wanted to be clean they would be narrative. and most of the time I am not on a game or busy, i just think about kms. ty for reading ily i wanted to make this...",Depression +12093,"I have involuntarily started to feel lonely all the time in all contexts and chronically suicidal because I cannot find any romantic connections anymore. What a fucking embarrassment to my bloodline. My great-grandfather worked on a peg leg in a coal mine for decades and here I am bitching about getting zero pussy on Reddit. I wish I had the courage to do the gene pool a favor and be a prime example of natural selection since it is obvious by my sheer number of rejections that my genes are defective and not worth spreading. But I guess there is *nothing* worthwhile in my balls, not even enough courage to assist the system that created me. I feel so fucking pathetic.",Suicidal +12094,"Sorry for any mistakes, I am not a native speaker and I am really sad right now.I am 18 years old and I am a man so you can get some context, so I have been feeling really bad some years from now and i think i might have something and i would like to know what should i do, so some months ago i found to be bisexual, and before that i did not had any long time relation, just a girl in the past, but around 2 months ago i found a boy, he was nice at first we liked to talk a lot, about everything but more about politics ideas, i already had told him about how I have been strange feeling about everything in general due to my ansiety.And today we had a fight about politics, he offended me and as i really liked him I am really bad and for the first time I am really having suicidal thoughts, i really need to know more about depression to be really sure if is that what i passing by and to be sure to seek for a therapist because i do not have much money for that because my country is kind of poor, so i really wanted to be sure on what to do because I am really lost. I appreciate any help.Ps:we have stop talking and we blocked eachother I need help i think i have depression and i do not really know what to do.",Depression +12095,"They say I need to improve my confidence. They say I need to improve my self-esteem. Honestly, to this day, I (30F) still have no clue how to do that. Sometimes I like to imagine what life could be like if I was confident. And it usually revolves around everyone loving me. And then it just makes me that much more sad when reality hits me and I realize that none of these people give a fuck about me. I do not know if I am making any sense at all. My perception of myself is just screwed I guess. I think I am more attractive and likable and funny than I really am. So then when I am faced with reality, it hits that much harder. I feel like no matter what I try to do, I just cannot win. Trying to Escape Reality",Depression +12096,"I am not really able to get emotion out, other than smashing cups or stuff. Or punching myself in my face, inflicting pain or trauma... I am choking on denial. I have to punch myself in my face.",Suicidal +12097,"Sorry if it is a bit of a rant, never have been too good at expressing myself but I just want to know if this is a common thing for people to feelI could not tell you what I would give just to be able to lay my head on someone is shoulder and listen to them talk just so I would not have to hear my own thoughts even if it was just for a night. I cannot ever get my own brain to shut up unless I have something playing to loud to hear myself think but I always used to feel better when I would be on the phone with someone or when my ex would stay over and I could just listen to them instead. I cannot stand myself in the slightest and all I hear every damn night for hours on end is my own voice in my head telling me how shit I am over and over again. I KNOW! Fuck I do not need reminded every 5 minutes every night and day. I just want to hear something positive for a change.. someone to tell me how their day was or something that they are interested in or just some silence for one night if nothing else. No reminders no ringing in my ears or yelling in my head just some peace and quiet. Even just posting this feels like more noise in my head I cannot stand it and I have no idea how to do anything about it. Just want some silence for a change",Depression +12098,"all i need to do is make it through the night. i have to stay alive because she needs me. they all need me and i need to stay here so i can be there for them. i have to stay alive because i cannot let him win. i have to stay alive. just for tonight. maybe i can stop being a pussy and end it when everyone else is capable of being okay without me but i cannot yet. i cannot die yet and i cannot cut any deeper than i just did and i need to keep myself alive. oh god, i cannot do this. how selfish am i to assume that they need me? that they will not be okay without me? i cannot,,,, i cannot be here. i cannot. god, but i have to. what do i do?? i just need to make it through the night",Suicidal +12099,The past weeks I have been seriously thinking about not existing anymore What do you do to avoid self harm?,Depression +12100,"Typical 1st world country problems. My friends and family would say I have a ""good"" and ""stable"" life, I would agree which just makes me feel extra guilty that I struggle just wanting to exist. I have everything I would every want and done everything I wanted to do, and I know possessions and experiences do not give your life meaning and lasting joy, I feel investing time in relationships, family and altruism is what gives you joy. And maybe I am just being a lazy selfish b-word but I just do not care enough to do that. I feel like I am just emotionally messed up, I want to care, I want to want but in my heart I feel nothing. What can I do to want again Wanting nothing from life",Depression +12101,"My grandparents are going away for 9 days and I am going to stay at their house and watch their dog. If no miracles happen in those 9 days, When they return I will reach out to someone to get something I can overdose on, if I cannot I will hang. I cannot do this anymore and a lot of people say its worth it to hold on but I am really not. I am just so alone and broken right now too I am sorry for anyone that has to read this post. If this is my last post, I really hope you all find happiness and a way out of your suffering. If I could give my life to someone more deserving I would. I wish. I wish I was just never here. I wish something could just take my life away I have made my decision",Suicidal +12102,"Not sure if I am going to go through with it yet. cannot stop thinking about how my family and friends will feel, but I truly feel like my life will never get better. I was molested by my older male cousin as a kid and my other cousin made me go down on her. All before the age of 10. Every time I see them I have to act like it did not happen and everythings cool but I have been hyper sexual since. Questioning my sexuality and identity. My parents had an awful marriage and I witnessed it fall apart. Dad is a gambling addict and cheated on my mother. Had twins with this other woman and hid it from me for almost 18 years. Grew up around domestic violence, I was beaten as a child. My own mother punched me in the face once. My sister is schizophrenic because of all the trauma me and her have been through. We both were bullied at school and have had racist remarks and jokes said to us. Even been encouraged to end it. I was falsely accused of sexual harassment for a kiss on the cheek and now I have a reputation as an abuser even though I am not. I have been trying so hard for so long and nothing ever changes. No woman will ever love me for who I am and not what I provide. Nobody cares about my passion/art and its the only thing that brings me joy. Too bad Ill never get anywhere with it and Ill have to work a job I hate for the rest of my life and die. Wrote my suicide note",Depression +12103,"I used to be very social and incredibly active on social media. Met a lot of incredible people there. However one method my therapist told me to do was to remove all potential triggers that may because me to fall back into a depression loop. We identified social media as one of them. As time went on i did have improvements in mood swings and was relatively more stable. I however, became less comfortable inviting people into my life and that included being more isolated from others. I still keep in contact with friends, just not as enthusiastic about opening up to them. Zzzz Things are improving but at a cost",Depression +12104,"I have developed a negative relationship to food where I feel it that it takes up so much energy, time, and money. I do not even like to taste things. I eat for a function, not a pleasure. Having a history of an eating disorder does not help, and although I am out of the disorder by a couple of years, with this depressive bout, I am sure the lingering effects are there. Now I really struggle to have a meal at most a day. I am slow and tired and that is part because and effect of this cycle. what is ways that has helped you break out of this loop? Thank you guys, and keep striving to more content and pleasureable days. How do you start eating?",Depression +12105,"it is productive suicide.If i do not care about my feelings and i do not want to hurt people by them caring about me. I might as well make beneficial, dope shit in the most unhealthy of ways. Little sleep, mild drug use, social isolation, and ironic nihilism.Sure, the thoughts and actions are fucked. And i justify it by saying, "" i could always change, become positive and vanilla. Not worry about shit""But there are things that need to be fixed that do not concern my feelings. I will never stop feeling, I will never stop caring. And i got the option to end both, but i will not. So fuck itWhat do you do when you are feelings conflict with your suicidal, existential cravings?Fuckin improve everyone is useless existence to the best quality. Cuz it do not matter anyway.And if it advantageously makes your life better or you are put at a crossroads of effort. Where circumstance makes you determine to improve yourself in order to improve others (martyr) then so be it. It was not my intention, but if it makes blissfully ignorant people happy. Then they should stay that way and be happier that they are not meIgnoring me to be polite? Fine. I understand. I will work in silence while they choose to not worry. Maybe that is how the world gets balanced. People like me abandoned by people like them, but having a mutual understanding or necessity. I want to work myself to death",Depression +12106,You ever sob your eyeballs out while your parents are laughing downstairs and all your friends are out. I feel like everyone is enjoying life but me. I do not know why I am still here but I cannot hold on longer /: Big sigh,Suicidal +12107,"(20M) Mannnn after a few years of giving/getting no contact or stimulation with a girl, I have kind of been on some loner shit. I have always been a quiet/shy guy except when I am w some friends lol. But their either in military or strict parents, small friend group. Is it bad I feel like this? Am I an incel? I do enjoy being outside, but after getting my first car and then blowing my engine 2 months later its like well fuck it. Having that car was my world, BMWs smh. Main root is the fact I crave intimacy, despite living in a small college town. Is it wrong that I crave intimacy?",Depression +12108,So my decision is clear. I fked up too many times in my life and my time to go has come. I am just thinking wether I should write a note or not. I personally think it is not necessary. As I do not owe anyone an apology. What do you think? Should I write a suicide note?,Suicidal +12109,"I have had a crush on this girl for a very long time, never spoke to her before but around 4 months ago in college she came to me and started talking to me, I am not going to give all the details but basically she gave me signs of her liking me, and when I started giving her signs too she immediately stopped me and told me she was too busy with studies, we did not talk for about 10 days then she came back and we became closer than we ever was before and she even gave me even more signs of her liking me which confused me after what she said earlier, and she used it as an opportunity to get into my group of friends and more precisely to talk to my bestfriend, she gradually started talking less to me, and when she finally could talk to him without needing me she literally started ignoring me and she became extremely rude and mean to me, I am officially done with love for good, I tried multiple times but this right here was the icing on the cake, it is already been really hard for me over the past years with episodes of deep sadness and depression coming and going, but this time it cuts so deep, I do not think I will ever be able to heal from it, it is not the first time that I was used for something, but no one, not even the people that hated me the most, used me in such an immoral way, I feel so empty right now, like, I am just that dude that everyone can make fun of and use to do things you do not have the courage to do by yourself... My long time crush used me in order to get to my bestfriend, I have never felt this bad in my entire life.",Depression +12110,"They never helped anyway. Sometimes I feel I am worse than I have ever been, but I just cannot bring myself to call the doctor. I had an appointment scheduled, and she cancelled a month ago. I just cannot find the motivation.The one thing I found joy in... I do not find joy in it anymore.Holy shit. I I am out of meds... I do not know that I care",Depression +12111,"Depressions been crazy for the last 4 years I genuinely do not even know who I am anymore. I laugh and joke around my family but deep inside I am emotionless, they just would not understand. Sometimes I wish someone would take my life away and give it to somebody that is fighting for theirs, weather its a single mother fighting a disease or a young kid fighting cancer.. Life",Depression +12112,"Sorry for the millionth post of the night, I am just writing for me....people would say I was given a good life, would not they? But I chose to destroy it. Every day I live the exact opposite of how I want. I could change but I just do not. Depression is not an excuse. I am the one who ruined my life over and over and over and over. Me. I am the one who will keep ruining my life forever. Some people never get better and I am one of them. This is how it looks. I am thinking the streets might not be so bad because at least then I wln't have to pay bills. And I might have the comradery of other people who are as sick as me. I cannot exist among normals. I used to have goals and dreams and shit but I realized I do not give two fucks what happens to me in this life. I guess a better person would carpe diem and all that but I am a bad person. I do not exist anymore. I am just depression",Depression +12113,I have been fighting for so long and I am tired. I have tried distracting myself but its like I am in a race with my own pain and it keeps catching me. I do not want to die but I do not want to live like this anymore. I just want to give up now,Depression +12114,"Hey there folk, friendly neighborhood rant here. cannot promise it will be reader-friendly in terms of like formatting or timeline, but I will try my best. That being said, here goes.&#x200B;Okay so this whole thing starts when I was about 11, mormon, living in California, and my parents were getting divorced. My mother left me with my father, who was too depressed to even get out of bed, for 2 weeks. She comes back for my sister's wedding, and we move to Indiana. In Indiana, my mother and my other sister (s2) decide that they are going to ""co-parent"" me more or less. S2 is pretty much just unlikable in every way. She is the type of person to gaslight you into thinking you are not depressed (we will get to that). Then, after about a year or two in that living situation, the ""Strawberry Incident"" occurred. This is when S2's mother asked me if I felt like cutting some strawberries, and I replied that I did not. I was then forced to do muscle failure for a week straight. After that occurred, I began to realize that the family I have may not be the best for me. Fast forward to about a year later. My father moves out to live with S2. One day, I was getting back from a temple trip to Indy and I had a confrontation with S2. I told her how I felt and said I was not sorry. I then went to talk to my father and he called me a ""Selfish Cocksucker"". That one always stuck. Flash forward one more year, and I am in 8th grade. I am having trouble mentally and had planned my own offing. I was going to do it the night of a concert for my school band. A teacher ended up finding out and told my mom. She then turned it into me trying to actively harm her. I was then sent to a mental hospital wherein I was sexually assaulted by my roommates. When I get back, S2 tells me that I was not really depressed because she would have known. &#x200B;\-INTERMISSION-Hey there here is a little break from the madness. I hope you are having a good day. Anyways, let us dive back in.\-END OF INTERMISSION-&#x200B;After that, I have a pretty uneventful time up until about the end of my freshman year. I had ended up overdosing on my antidepressants and told my best friend, W. Me and W went into a stairwell and we called the crisis hotline, thinking it would be the last call I make. W and I had planned to sing ""Wonderwall"" in our school's talent show. I had ended up being hospitalized again before being able to preform with him. I still feel terrible. Later on, I was with my mother in a taco bell drive thru, and the only thing I remember her saying is ""Why should I care about you when you treat me the way you do."". After a few weeks, cue a family party. I was on an LGBT site that I used to frequent (I think it was a mightynetwork site, I do not really remember all that well.) and also doing my schoolwork. S2 looks over to see what I was doing, and I showed her my schoolwork. She got suspicious of me, and asked to see my iPad. I refused, not wanting her to find out I was a member of the LGBT. She then escalates it, and we end up outside. I tell her that she is an active contributor to my depression, and she says that I do not have it. The next parts are extremely hazy, but I do remember her pushing me to the ground. I still refuse to give her my iPad password, so she threatens to call the police. In retrospect, I still would have kept it from her. After that, my brother in law ends up getting it from me and looks through my profile, finding out that I was Abrosexual. He then laughs at me, and offers me a cigar and beer to ""cool off"". Fun stuff. So after those events, I just cry myself to sleep and that is that. W ends up moving to the next town's school for our sophomore year and beyond. I have a new confidant, D. D and I go to the school counselor together to try to fix my living situation, and I am eventually told to go to the office one day. My principal, thinking I was in a gay relationship with D, called me a ""sick bastard"", and changes mine and D's schedules, so that we no longer have classes together. Somewhere along that timeline, in my freshman year, my dad dies. I am forced into sitting in a hospice room, awake, with my dying father for 12 hours. Flash forward to now. Going into my senior year. I am scared of letting anything show to my mom and getting hospitalized and not being able to go on my germany trip next year. I just want to know what to do. Please. :,)",Depression +12115,"I hope this helps at least one person. Losing someone we love is (in my opinion) the worst pain a human being can feel. I could break my leg twice in one day, but eventually, it will heal and I will walk on by. But when the heart is broken, I am not sure if it ever truly heals. I think we simply grow used to the pain and allow it to make us tough. Not stronger, but tough. They say it gets easier day-by-day and that is not untrue, but it feels like they are shrinking an experience so raw and gut-wrenching into something as insignificant as a papercut. I think in many cases when we lose someone without actually losing them, it hurts more than if they were really gone. The pain is unbearable knowing they are somewhere living life, waking up every day and having coffee with someone else, and dreaming of their life without you. it is like staying in a hotel with paper-thin walls, rooming next to them when they are with the person they love and you are in the room next door. Standing on the bed, ear to the wall, alone. Sunshine does not feel the same when we are hurt. Instead of our skin soaking up the rays and allowing them to seep into our pores and giving us sun-kissed skin, they beat down on us and burn us until we are red. Fighting the pain can be just as hard as accepting it. Trying to pretend like everything is okay like we are not hurting so bad that sometimes we wish the sun would not rise in the morning. Wanting to stay in the dark because it is easier than watching something as beautiful as a sunrise leave you every night. But maybe this is a blessing, a sign from the universe that reminds us we are human. We feel pain because if we did not how could we ever know the true immense joy of love? The diving-headfirst-into-the-deep-dark-unknown-putting-our-faith-and-heart-in-the-hands-of-the-one-person-our-hearts-beat-for kind of love. The bitter truth is our hearts may never really be the same and we will walk away with scars. But we have to remember that one day we will wake up and our hearts will hurt less, we will go out for coffee by ourselves and not feel alone, we will dream about things other than what hurt us, we will meet people who love us, and we will experience things that make our hearts flutter. Because that is life. Eventually, the sunshine will not burn us and we will feel the warmth of its rays like a blanket over our shoulders, comforting us as we accept love and pain at the same time. And when the sky fades, a blaze of color will drop onto the horizon, then darkness will fall. And we will not wish for the darkness to stay forever anymore because we can find peace in knowing that the sun will always rise in the morning. just some thoughts",Suicidal +12116,"Hey, so I have been having a really rough couple of months, and I think I have messed up my life really badly. I had a lot of really good friends at my college and we were all super tight not. I was dating my girlfriend for about 9 months and over the last couple of months I really messed everything up. I have been continuously pushing her away in all types of ways such as: having little to no sex drive because I have had no ability to even think about that, I have been isolating myself and not communicating what I have been going through well, and I just have not wanted to go on dates. None of this is why she said she wanted to break up though, she wanted to break up because I have not been able to make myself talk to her or communicate while we are back from school. She said I have a lot I need to work on and that she does too.Anyway I agree with her and I know I should not be in a relationship right now but I love her so much and want to be with her so bad, so this is not a post where I want you guys to say we should not be together right now because I know this. I think we will eventually get back together if she can see I grew up. I do not want to work on myself for her to take me back but that would be a positive.I guess me making this post is to ask how have you guys been able to work on yourself and what are some methods I can use to improve my mental stability, and also how have you been able to refind yourself when you have no clue who you are anymore? (P.S) I have been on medication before but stopped taking it because it was making me sadder (it was Prozac) I might try medicine again but we shall see. Anyway sorry for the long post just kind of a brain dump. Depressive Episode",Depression +12117,"Whenever I go for my nightly walks, I pray that her car swerves into me and just ends this unnecessary suffering that I cannot control I dream of a painless death",Suicidal +12118,"TL;DR: I feel like I caused my best friends death and my entire life crashed around me, now I do not want it anymore. I guess Ill just start from the beginning. Ill speed this up though because I do not want to take up too much of your time. In like 6th or 7th grade I made friends online playing overwatch with a dude, like really good friends. I never had a buddy I could talk to casually and safely about literally anything from after school until 4am. We used to have a joke where wed just tell each other do not be a bitch for advice. It was laughable, really it was, because we both knew each other would give real advice anyway. Those would end up being my most hated words ever.Back in April of this year, I had a decently healthy relationship with a gf I had for about 6 months, and got accepted into college and was graduating High School. My friend and I started FaceTiming and he started to drive. He told me he should stop and I told him to not be a bitch. We told each other jokes and laughed really hard. He turned to look at me for a brief moment, looked back at the road, and got in an accident. His head went through the windshield and he died instantly. I panicked, and I do not usually do that. I felt enormous guilt, I still do. What had happened I felt was my fault entirely. So much so that I promised that it would never happen again. I left my gf and all of my closest friends for their safety. That was the hardest decision of my life. They all tried to get me to stop but i did not listen. I played Minecraft with my now dead friends little brother, he must have been 7-8 years old. I have never heard a kid cry like that. I did not even have the balls to tell him what happened or that I was sorry for it. Flash forward to about a few weeks ago, I tried overdosing on pills. Obviously that did not work, I guess I am inept? But I visited my grandparents house, started going through some old stuff. I found my grandpas old pistol and held it up. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I could not do that either. I wussed out. I have tried drinking to forget or maybe honor my lost friend(s) but nothing works. I cannot sleep. I guess I am asking for help but honestly maybe I do not deserve it. I am sorry for writing so much, maybe I just needed to get this off my chest. I am sorry My best friend died and its my fault",Depression +12119,I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to jump off from a high place. Sigh.,Suicidal +12120,"My mother is too attached to me and I understand why but I feel trapped whenever I am with her. I am a 21 year old and I am tired of staying at my parents. I get that they depend on me for a lot of things but sometimes its so hard to tell them that I cannot strive when I am with them. I got the opportunity to move out but now she wants me to come back to her. I love her so much but I want to stay strong for her by having distance between us. I want to be successful and have the freedom that I have always wanted. Its not fair that my older sister has the opportunity and she is just a year older. I am not a child anymore, for god sakes I am a full grown woman. I wish my mom would understand that. Btw plz check out my art :)) I just want freedom",Depression +12121,"Recently, I have noticed my friend post concerning things on their Instagram story. From what I can tell, the only thing that is stopping them forming committing suicide is that they are scared of dying and their brother. I am terrified and I do not know how to help, they live in an entirely different state from me, I feel helpless but I do not want them to be mad me if I bring it up they should ask for help. I know I should talk to a professional about this, but I am at such a loss. Please, I know if I do not do something now, and something does happen, Ill regret it for the rest of my life. I need help for this person, I cannot stand the thought of losing someone I love so much. I am concerned about my friend.",Suicidal +12122,"It hurts being friends with someone who is basically everything you wish you were and has basically everything you wish you had. it is like life just decides to be cruel and dangle a dream in front of you knowing that no matter what you will never be able to obtain what they were so easily born into with just sheer luck. It just eats me up inside and makes me feel like somehow they are my worst enemy but they are my friend and I adore them still.it is hard being dependent on them in more ways than just emotionally because it feels like if something were to ever happen to them or they just did not like you anymore then a part of you just dies. Sometimes it feels like without them life is not worth living. They do not like my dependency on them (understandable) and I also know they will move on with their lives and find someone that they value more than me. I do not even want their love but I just wish that I had someone for myself who put me before others.I am just so tired of being mentally ill. It makes me wish that I did not feel anything at all because I do not even know what normal is. I was not raised to be normal, I was raised to be a broken, depressed, anxious mess. Envy and Complicated Emotions",Depression +12123,"I hope you can forgive me for all the things I did not become I am sorry I am too tired to say much, but I am sorry",Suicidal +12124,"Hello, I am not even really sure where to start. I graduated late from high school (a few months back) due to my learning disability and everyone around me just expects me to know what the hell to do with my life. Since the pandemic all the avenues I previously had mapped out in my head for jobs have died, due to seeing how the industries I was interested in have been affected. Now I cannot make any decisions on if college is even worth it too because, I wanted to go to help me get out of my she will, and social anxiety but, due to having to wear masks and social distancing and most colleges opting for online courses- I do not see how my social skills will even improve or how the experience is worth it. My high school was online for the last two years I went- and I assumed college would be different. People are also pressuring me to get a job, but recently I have not been able to see the point in that either as I do not want to commit to another thing where I am surrounded by people who make me feel empty. Part of me kind of just wants to die. I have been killing time trying to figure out what to do, and every single time I try to talk to someone who might give me any advice- they brush me off and tell me that since I am an adult it is my responsibility to figure out what to do. I have no passions left, the only interests I used to have are not ""job"" material. I feel like I fought super hard to get nowhere in life. Was supposed to start my life at 21 but now I do not see the point.",Depression +12125,"I have bipolar II, so depression was a huge part of my life for a long long time before diagnosis and treatment. I have had my own journey, just like we all have, but I do not need to dive into my experiences because what I need to talk about is my husband. we will call him Z.Z has a loving family, friends, a job that appreciates him and pays him well, stable housing, time to do things he enjoys, no financial stress, the list goes on of things going right for him. We do not have kids, just a dog, but he is finding it increasingly difficult to care for another living thing regardless. He says textbook depression things. He says it is hard to wake up in the morning, he cannot do ""basic tasks"" like put away dishes or feed himself, he does not find joy in his usual hobbies anymore, he has not had a good night of sleep in ages, he is miserable and does not know why. The brain fog, the emotional outbursts, the sobbing fits, the constant feeling of trying to keep your head above water. Of course I cannot know exactly what he is going through because that experience is his own, but I KNOW these feelings. We all do. it is soul crushing when it is day in, day out. I have thankfully found my way out of the pit of depression through therapy, a correct diagnosis, and medication. it is not a perfect solution by any means, but I always say I never saw myself growing old until I got on 200mg of lamotrigine. I have pushed pursuing a treatment plan on him but he has a huge stigma against medication. He also goes in and out of denial that he even has depression and anxiety at all. He has been diagnosed and tried citalopram for about two months before calling it quits, this was back in February 2020. he is also tried three different therapists and they just never clicked, this was 2018-present. he is just been left feeling like he wasted time, money, and effort for nothing. I am getting him started on therapy again, though. we are also planning to try Wellbutrin this time. But nothing's set up yet, I am still sending out emails trying to find him a doctor.I try so hard, I really do. I pick up the dishes he cannot, I do the paperwork and write the emails he cannot, I cook and I clean so that he still gets food in his tummy and sleeps in clean sheets. At this point I feel like he only does his 9-5 and I fill in all the other gaps, which do not get me wrong I am so proud of him for maintaining a 9-5! I could not do that when I was at my worst! Additionally, he can get downright emotionally abusive and manipulative, but I take it with a grain of salt. Like I said, I have been there and I cannot even think of all the relationships I ruined or the people I hurt without feeling sick to my stomach from the guilt. I was not my best self, and I know it. I know he does not want to feel this way. I know making me cry is never the goal. I try to catch him when he is stable or lucid to talk to him, because when he is depressed he feels so far away. This is a completely anonymous reddit account so I would be honest and say if he was a burden to me or that I was beginning to resent him. Not at all. I love him unconditionally, but it is killing me to see him in such a hole that I cannot help him out of no matter what I do. Really when I look back on it our whole relationship has been dictated by his depression. it is always been present, but always he had something tangible to blame. But as each tangible problem is overcome another always seems to follow, how suspicious. I see it so clearly, but he does not see it this way. Another textbook depression thing he says is that he is not depressed, he is just lazy and useless. Everyday I check up on him and he either says he is feeling bad or ""bleh."" In this interim without a therapist I try to talk to him and help him reframe his thinking. Nothing sticks for long. I feel so helpless. I feel so scared. I am 100% intent on growing old with him but he will not make it to old going on like this, because I know I could not have. I guess my question is are there any similar experiences out there? What is there to do when you are watching a loved one just get wrecked by depression? I have asked myself the question of what would I have wanted at my lowest, and even though I try to give him that it does not ease the pain. But still, I ask you, what do you need at your lowest? Maybe I can apply it to him. I thought since I have also gone through it that I would be better equipped to help my husband through his depressive lows...",Depression +12126,"I often keep thinking of what would go on during my funeral when I get in my depressive mood. It really does replay over and over again everyother day. It raises multiple questions revolving this piqued but morbid interest. Questions such as, who would come to it? How many are friends? Who does not show up? How many become emotional? Am I worthy of such a grave or ceremony? Just being depressingly curious. Really cannot stop thinking about stuff like this instead of focusing on more important things going on. Really does take a toll and it sucks to deal with. Daydreaming my funeral",Depression +12127,"In a week, school year is starting again. The thing is, i have tried 3 years to get FIRST year throught. All failed. I do not want to leave my house. Maybe to spend time with my friends, nothing else. I do not like going alone to places, its just really uncomfortable. I am 19, Family gives me extra pressure cuz well.. I live with them, i need to get school done, then work to buy food and ""live"". Sorry for the messy text i have not slept. I do not see a way out of my situation. I do not want to exist if i need to stress everyday about this shit. Its a cycle, never ending one. Seems like there is no way out",Suicidal +12128,"I know I am not alone, but I still feel like knocking on deaths door. I feel like dying. But at the same time I am afraid. Is it okay for a young girl to cry? Is it okay to feel like dying. I do not know anymore. When I cried I just started laughing. I am not sure why. And I tried to hurt myself, and it felt better. I do not know why. Can someone please help me? I am young and want to die.",Suicidal +12129,"What up mom it is me.I did this stupid little thing called ship myself off to be a marine.I did this stupid little thing called not talk to you about your needs.And it is too late now, you are gone. Poof through thin air I am drawinBlanks cannot pull this trigger cuz I cannot guarantee that I will be with ya;cannot promise shit about the future just the pain and guilt we went throughDidn't die with the divorce, did not die with the remarriage, damage do not fly a new course, will not say bye if I disparage.. dadOr me. Or Kevin Rainey, Shelley, or Kelli, or anyone who could have helped but did not.Truth was we all needed help but we pretended.Now I am typing this message and I will never get to send it.Fuck life, what is left? Mine ended. L",Depression +12130,"I am 100% going to fail school because of my ASD and general stupidity. I will not end up with a good job, I will probably live on the streets or in jail. I have nothing to look forward to. Why did I have to be born stupid? Why did I have to be born autistic? What did I ever do to deserve this? Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me for not being Christian. But I just do not have the motivation to follow a man in the sky. I do not have the motivation to do anything. The only warmth I feel is my blood trickling down my ugly skin. I am always sleep deprived. I just want to die. I feel like death is the only option",Suicidal +12131,how you guys cope of being alone in your 20s my last friend has a job and I am still in college and I am no used to having no friends alone all by myself advise?,Depression +12132,"life is scary, life scares me . life",Depression +12133,"I am just going to kill myself anyway, I cannot stand waking up to another day being alive is worse. it is close to the end of the month and it does not get better cannot wait to kill myself soon. I should have ended it two years ago this has all just been pointless. I have no hope in this life",Suicidal +12134,"i hate myself for being so jealous and envious of my happy friends. i feel like i always want to have the worst problems. i want to be the most mentally ill. the saddest. i hate myself so much for feeling this way. all my friends are doing great things with their life and I am just a good for nothing who has been depressed since in was 7 (or earlier) and is so mentally ill and can barely go on.i am such a fucking attention seeker. i want attention. i need attention. to the point where i want myself to be hurt so that people give me attention. i want myself to be hurt so bad just so that people give me attention. i sometimes make up things so that people give me attention. i do not realize I am doing that until after i do it. i hate myself so much for being this way.things like ""it will get better"" ""you are strong"" ""you will be ok"" just make me want to rip my hair out.i want to die. i hate it here. I am so numb or so so so sad and anxious all the time. i go to sleep everyday hoping i will not wake up the next morning. and I am tired of it. why am i so envious of happy people",Depression +12135,Felt a bit better after that. I just called my family after months without contact,Depression +12136,"i cannot win in my life, no matter how hard i try i just cannot ever seem to achieve what i want no matter what. I am not loved by anyone, everyone is just, so cold to me, frankly i just cannot take this. i cannot take this much pain, I am just building failure. I am tired of it, of being second and eating shit, I am tired of living. I have lived for 17 almost 18 years and I am tired. sleeping for most of the day, eating my pain away, the days have become numb and the only thing keeping my alive is how my parents would feel if i died. i do not care about it tonight, i do not care anymore. I am tired of dealing with the same issues over and over again.",Suicidal +12137,"I am not genuinly suicidal, and have no plans to kms at rn. But I have definitely been thinking about it. I have been thinking about the fact that I may do it once i get older (20s, I am 16 rn). I hate myself so much. I am so disgusting to look at. To make matters worse, I am a indian. I hate being indian with every fibre of my being. You no when you get so angry at something/someone that you just want to hurt it? I feel that with myself, with my race. Is this a good reason to end yourself? I do not have depression, I just hate myself so much that I feel that anger towards how I look will result in me being suicidal. Is hating yourself, the way you look, and your race a good reason to kill yourself",Suicidal +12138,"I just do not understand. Is the key to happiness just to be as self-involved as possible? I do not see how anyone can pay attention to the world around them and not be sad and angry. People refusing to be vaccinated to protect the health of the community. Politicians making inhuman laws banning kids from doing what they love. Billionaires wasting money on insane things instead of using it to help people, or at minimum paying fair tax rates. People refusing to acknowledge we are killing the climate and making earth uninhabitable in the near future. People dying of hunger and thirst. Millions of people suffering due to lack of access to healthcare. People working multiple jobs, breaking their backs, damaging their mental and physical health, and still struggle to provide for their families. I am sure I could go on...I just do not see how anyone can hear about all of that and can call themselves happy. This world is broken. Has been for a long time. How can anyone be happy?",Depression +12139,I hate making these posts so I really try jot too but it is just so awful the past couple days. I cannot for the life of me get calm enough to actual face the next week or so. A lot of co workers have taken time off at the same time and whith management being relatively bad they did not consider anyone else. So as a result I have significantly more hours then initially anticipated. And um scared to death of going on. I find no joy in anything anymore. It takes me hour upon hours of doing fuck all only to finally play a game or something thirty minutes before I must go to sleep. I am nervous and scared for my future because I feel like I have none. I cannot see myself alive in five years. I guess I am just scared and want a little reassurance without having to ruin my friends days by forcing myself into their day. Feelin like there is no hope,Depression +12140,"I just genuinely do not know what to say to people now. Ever since the pandemic I have just been getting more fucked up. Most of the time, if you were to tune into my brain, you would just hear static. But I still want to connect with people.I just feel like I need friends in order to function, but nobody wants to talk to hang out with someone whose brain is static, you know? it is honestly just astounding how empty I feel lol How do I even make a new friend after being depressed for so many months?",Depression +12141,I still feel like shit... but I am okay for now.A week ago I was already planning what to write in my suicide letter and how I was going to go about the whole thing. But this weeks I realized I did not want to loose yet. it is okay if I fail. I will have another chance. It still feels like a huge weight on my chest. it is still not easier to carry but now I have the resolve to get find the strength to carry it. Getting better,Depression +12142,"Hey everyone. My girlfriend and i began dating about a year and half ago after meeting on tinder a few months prior. We were both each others first ever relationship. I was a senior in college, she was a junior at the time. Everything started off so well, to the point where we both felt like the stars aligned for us. We clicked almost instantly. I would come see her every weekend about an hour away at her college and she would do the same for me. We both looked forward to the fact that even tho we were long distance, we always had a date when we could meet. When we were not jn college, she lived about 5 hours away. that is when things got tough, but we always seemed to overcome every obstacle that faced us. Everything seemed right when we were together, almost like a fairytale. We talked about our future, the thinks we wanted to accomplish in life and everything in between. We opened up to eachother in ways we never have for anyone else. She eventually talked to me about how she is struggled with depression ever since freshman year of college. Over the past 4 months or so, i began to really see it. She never seemed happy anymore, she was about to graduate from college, along with other things such as finding a job and just moving on to a new chapter in her life. The things she used to enjoy, she no longer cared about. She opened up to me about how she feels like i deserve better and she cannot hell the way she treats me. she is come to the conclusion that if we ever broke up, i would realize how toxic she was and that i would find someone better than her easily. I have always assured her that I have never felt that way and she is everything I have ever wanted. she is just incapable of seeing it that way. Its clear that she does not love herself so its hard for her to love me back the way she thinks i deserve. Truth is id do anything for her and i want to do what is best for her to. We have not seen eachother in 2 months since she graduated but she plans on coming over next week. untill then we just decided to take a break. am i being foolish to believe that depression has taken her over to the point where she feels the way she does? I am holding on to the idea that once she does find her self again, that she will find her love for me again. Depressed girlfriend advice",Depression +12143,"there is no purpose to living it is all just distractions constantly until you die I am convinced no one actually enjoys anything and they just tell themselves they are just lying to themselves it is so depressing and it is all I constantly think about recently I just wish my life had some sort of meaning and someone actually understood.I wish someone could help me find some meaning in anything but no one will even engage in me with this because they do not accept that I am logically right and just always tell me that it is not meaningless then when I ask what meaning it has they do not answer.Life is meaninglessLife is pointlessThere's no point in this torture I am constantly going throughThere's no enjoyment to be had from anything in this worldI want to die can someone just give my life some sense of meaningI'd be so surprised if anyone even cared enough to respond after all what are you going to say to me?I have so many problems with existing and it just is not fun to live with I do not know what I am supposed to do I am so close to the edge of doing something self distruptive and ruining all my relationships with my family- the only people who even know I exist.I am sorry please just talk to me, I do not know what to do anymore. Ultimately life is meaningless and just a bunch of distractions and I have no one to talk to , no reason to do anything",Suicidal +12144,"I have been lying to my someone for about a year now, just about every day. I have no idea how I am going to be redeemable in his eyes again after these things bubble to the surface, which will be soon. Money really would get rid of all my issues right now, I do not think there is a single thing that makes me want to commit suicide that could not be solved by money. This may be the end",Suicidal +12145,"With a world that is not in my favor, hurts me and holds me down. Why do I have to be the one that fights to make it right. Or pick up the pieces of what happened to me. what is the point if it just keeps putting you down, the second you get up again. what is the point",Suicidal +12146,"Just wanted someone to talk to. For the last two years I have thought about suicide almost every day. I just feel like I never do anything right, but then the effort it takes to get my life back in order is like pushing a boulder up a hill. it is technically possible, but feels extremely difficult. Like, how are you going to suddenly have the motivation to be happy and go live the life you always wanted when you barely want to be here anymore. I used to have motivation. I used to want to do things in life. But I was also naive, and did not realized that I was such a failure. I am not good at very much, and the things I am good at do not matter a whole lot. Can anybody relate? I feel like such a piece of shit",Suicidal +12147,"It feels so stupid but it is been a day and a half that I have not talked to my SO because of being on a mini-break and as soon as I am done doing stuff (work or watching a movie) I just want to tell my partner about it and now I cannot and I just get sad. I have problems communicating but with him I can do it perfectly, I was literally never able to express myself with anyone irl like with him so when we were not a couple yet I did not feel lonely but just bored because I never really knew how good it feels to have someone to tell what you do and have them care about it. Most of my thoughts are just me talking like if I was telling him what I am doing. I just need someone to talk too",Depression +12148,"Hello. Another common post. But, I feel I can hardly lift my fingers to type this. It feels like a grief deep in my bones, like an actual medically-induced paralysis. Something is wrong with my body. In pain, inflamed, feel like it is just not godamn worth it. Overworked, underpaid. Doing grad school, what is the point. Caregiving for both parents and clients, what for? There is not an ounce left me, to exist. My neck hurts so godamn bad, like my head is the size of a meteor. So much fog, so much stuffiness, so much illness in my body. I am so godamn exhausted. Feel so desparate. Completely Obliterated by This Depression",Depression +12149,"Hi Reddit, I will go straight in. I am 16 going through the 9th year of my depression and I am starting to lose hope. My life has fallen into hell, I am currently contemplating as to what to do with my life while the doubts in my head cloud my vision. This my desperate attempt to find the will to live again. This year has been the hardest year for me yet, backstabbed, casted aside and neglected has left me all scarred with no will left to live and every moment I breath feels like a mistake. I do not know what to do anymore, I do not fear Death but I do not know why I can bring myself to jump. If anyone is out there please help me. That is all goodluck everyone Please help me find hope",Suicidal +12150,So basically I talked to a someone n they just kept talking n talking pointless shit without giving me actual solutions they kept saying they are sorry for the way I feel n it is hard ... etc n I was like okay where are the solutions is not that ur job supposedly ? I texted to a crisis text line n it was the worst experience,Suicidal +12151,I have my minors firearms license and have access to a couple guns like a twelve gauge shotgun. I can also obtain illegal drugs like heroin. I heard an opioid overdose is the least painless to go out. what is the most painless way to end my life?,Suicidal +12152,"Graduated for a year and 50+ applications later & rejections later and still no job. Heck I even submitted applications to retail stores and none has come back to me so far. I am at the brink of ending it all. I wasted four years + clinicals & volunteering of my life just to end up in crippling debt with no job and possibly getting kicked out by my parents for being unemployed... I cannot do this anymore. They do not believe in mental health, they do not believe my struggles, they do not believe in me... I just want to die... Painless, if possible... drowning in depression & debt",Suicidal +12153,"i should be happy that i have as many friends as i do. but being the 'second choice' to one person makes me have a breakdown and start working out my suicide? great.i guess this feeling will probably pass like it always does, but it just feels so intense right now. all things considered, I am in a better situation than most people. i wish i had a 'normal' brain. i wish it did not feel like my closest friend is leaving me when all they did was be closer with someone who is not me. this all feels dumb. i wish i came up with reasonable solutions. i wish i never learned that suicide was even something a human being could do so i stop jumping to it at the moment of every conflict in my life. this all feels so irrational of me.I will take daily casual suicidal thoughts like i used to have over these intense ""I would do it right now if i had a gun."" moments twice a month. this is the first time it is actually been spurred by something i can 'blame' but it still feels dumb to me. i should feel lucky",Suicidal +12154,Whenever i look up people talking about there depression they always say how they hate themselves and all that but for me that is not the case. I am content with the person i am and i have Learned to love myself. The problem i have is that nearly every human i have met has put on this barrier between me and them no matter how much effort i put into the relationship it is never what i want. I just want to find someone who has or is going through the same things i am going through. I hate life but not myself.,Depression +12155,"like, I am doing this for you man if you do not like being around me then just say the word and I am out of here lol.i used to hate the feeling of staying alive for other people but honestly the way that my *loved ones* treat me and talk to me makes me feel like i do not even have that problem to complain about anymore. what a miserable life. there is not much worse than feeling like a burden to other people when like i do not even want to be alive?",Suicidal +12156,21 m On a break with my girlfriend who is also my only friend I could talk to and have no family to reach out to. have been in a hotel alone since Thursday and I cannot deal with this Need someone to help,Suicidal +12157,"Hello,I do not have anyone to talk with so i will write it here, because i have need to ventilate my feelings out, so thanks everyone for hearing me.Since childhood, i'v been always fat. It was caused by bad working thyroid gland and excessive sugar income. And it is well know that fat people have really small penis, in my case i have also circumcision because of something that happened when i was really young. My face is also not one of the most beautiful. Because of that, my self confidence is literaly below zero.I had a crush for 13 years on primary and secondary school. I never told her that i was in love with her.First of all, it was just because of lack of self confidence. When i was older, i realized where is relationship, there must be sex. And i cannot have sex because of my problem i mentioned.I had to cut all our connections and go on in my life.Once, there was girl and it seemed that she may like me or even love. I had to send her away, cut all our connections and go on in my life. I did this everytime with every woman i'v met because i was afraid that even with my look, friendship with girl could grown in something more serious.There was a time when i came to terms with it and i peacefuly lived on. But last couple years, it is killing me, I am crying almost every night, I am not smiling anymore and this loneliness is really painfull.I would like to have a person i could share my life with, enjoy moments of life together, smile and love each other. But i know i cannot fulfill women's desires. I'v always figured out all my problems, but this.. i just do not know what to do, how to fix this. that is reason why i will be forever alone and will slowly dying inside with emptiness in my life... My destiny is to be alone forever and it is really painfull inside",Depression +12158,"my dad kicked me out, my mom did nothing. I am 19 and couch surfing atm i never felt so alone. i dropped out of hs a few years ago a lot was going on then so i pretty much have nothing, i ruined mu life and i never wanted to kill myself more. idk",Suicidal +12159,"I have tried medication and everything but nothing has worked. Even when things are not so bad, I still feel this awful empty feeling inside of me. Fuck. I hate that I am going to have to live with depression until I die",Depression +12160,"We are not speaking for a month due to a break we are taking. Impossible for me to know whether we will stay together or not. In the meantime I am preparing myself for a breakup, even if I have some faith in the outcome. I have fought hard to reassure him about continuing together, but he is still lost about what decision to make. Beyond this I am afraid of a lifetime where I will never know if he is truly okay.Even if for a day it is easy to think he is not for me, I go to sleep crying because I feel the thought is cruel. He has been nothing but loving from the start and we were happy together. Our families liked each other. I love his so much. A few months ago I found out he has been suicidal for a long time. He told me his dark thoughts and it broke my heart. He did not want to talk about it and was upset that the whole thing came up, because it triggered him. We rarely ever fought, but now he says he cannot trust me. Now I pray to God for the first time so he gathers strength to overcome his depression because there is nothing else I can do.He continues to love me and want this relationship, but fears it might do him more harm than good. I want to do anything I can to prove I am strong enough for this and that I can be his support. I am afraid of what happens to him if he gives this up, which I understand is arrogant. There is no way to claim I am what he needs. But we thought we were going to be married one day. I am scared he is pushing me away. Viewed optimistically, the end of the relationship could diminish potential triggers and give him the space to focus 100% on himself, his way. All of my friends say I need to look out for myself right now. But what on Earth could my strength be for other than him, when he was the first to make life beautiful for me. Because of him I overcame my own depression and became so strong. I think I would be okay, I just would hate to settle for someone else. There is no knowing why he is depressed and what stops him from trusting me. Maybe he has some secret, I would suspect about gender. I would be with him no matter what. Anyone with advice, it is very welcome! I want to be there for him so badly, I am just not sure what else to do but be patient, I have done everything I can. I have cleared up misunderstandings. And again, maybe a breakup is just what makes sense. But this came out of nowhere. I trust he will find his way even if without me. I found out my boyfriend is suicidal and he thinks he wants to split up.",Suicidal +12161,"I lay on an air mattress in an empty room. there is three framed drawings leaning on the latticed wall, of writings I wrote as a kid. there is a chrome plated lamp plugged in to an open outlet, a cabinet of gemstones mounted on the wall, and a little green vine in a glass jar. there is a pair of headphones to my left and a computer out of battery to my right. The last dying shades of pink leave me in darkness as the night approaches.I am running away soon. From this. I cannot deal with everything that is happened in the past weeks. I am running from school. From my parents. From my dying extended family. From my misery. And I am not the reason I am running. I am not the initiator. None of what is hurting me is caused by my hands. I try to calm myself. But I cannot. So tomorrow, I run or the next day. Or maybe I will never amount to anything and never do it.Will someone force a way into this account while I am gone? Will they see the malignant sludge that is my profile? Will people care again if they see my name on the news? I cannot stand being alone anymore. it is terrible, but I yearn to be cared for.what is more valuable, me, or the idea of me? During every relationship, romantic, sexual, plutonic, otherwise that I have ever had with someone special-- I feel like it was the latter, looking back. So I will give in. They can have the idea of me if I die while I am out there.I am so fucking sad but somehow also so fucking numb. I cannot feel anything other than just passive depression, the wary passage of time, and my blood pressure.I am going to run to find my purpose. If death finds me while I am out, so be it. what is the worst that could happen to me? I get abducted? Unlikely, and I will see that when it happens.I am packing lots of nonperishables, just to keep me alive. Refillable water bottles and a plastic box. My school ID. All the paper money I have, but with a fake wallet in case I get mugged. Tissues. Stationery. A mirror. All three of my working cell phones. A battery bank. This is happening. it is real and it is happening and it is happening tomorrow.Maybe it is the ultimate act of selfishness, save for outright killing myself. it is not as if I have not tried that, so this is just something new. I have been nothing but the best I can be and here I am. So I am going out to find myself. I will see you all on the flipside. Another night",Depression +12162,Everything we have ever done will not matter Crazy that everything were used to and comfortable in will be gone in a few years and you will have to start all over again,Depression +12163,She does not care about me so there is nothing left to lose. Tomorrow's the day fellas,Suicidal +12164,that gnawing self hating voice in my brain will not shut the fuck up!!!!! it is been 6 years!!!!! damb!!!!!!!! i just want to love myself and I cannot because that voice is so god damn loud if i could die and never hear it ever again god that would be the sweetest release of my life. not having to live up to everyone is expectations.... not having to be as attractive as so and so... not having the pressure to make a name for myself.... jesus fuck at this point my need to kill myself outweighs any kind of sadness any of my friends and fam would feel if i did end my life. what is there worth living for if i do not even love me... fuck I am so fucking tired of this shit cunt that lives in my brain,Suicidal +12165,"I am 22 years old and while young, I feel like a massive failure. I have not done Jack squat with my life and everytime I try I always get knocked down, I cannot keep a stable job, no girlfriend and have not had one in years, cannot even keep a stable conversation with one due to my poor social skills and depression, barely any friends. I feel like I just exist in this world, I am not living and enjoying life, I am just present and I hate feeling this way but it seems it a way Ill be stuck in forever. Feeling like a massive failure in life",Depression +12166,"Do you know what being mentally abused by a piece of shit grandmother since you were born feels like? Being born with social anxiety and all kinds of other mental health issues and have this whore of a woman constantly shove deep down your soul's throat how she hates living with the mom and dad you have loved so and describing every single day for the last 20 years how she would like to kill herself, every time differently?And when it is not that, she is begging to be taken away to her other son's house, whose bitch of a wife physically abuses her, but I guess that is better than living a comfortable life with my two parents who work hard to maintain a comfortable living for their fucked in the head adult son, their ADHD child and this is ungrateful sack of 87 year old shit who cannot see how good her life is and how much worse it would be with them, who could not care less about her and only use her pension from my dead grandfather for their own gain... My grandfather who was a great man and deserved no time with this leech.I know, she is the terrible person, right? However through all these years of being constantly assaulted with suicide threats and negativity, at 15 it became pretty clear that I was depressed. My anxiety still feels like being stuck in the fiery pits of hell, and her being a fundamentalist religious shithead kept filling my young child brain with the idea of eternal pain and damnation in hell, even if she is the one who constantly threatens to end her own life. I am still religious, I love the teaching of Jesus, my prophet, and I respect all other beliefs just the same, all I wish and hope for this planet is peace and harmony... But the image of hell this 1930s hag implanted into my hear is just too much, I cannot take it. I do freelance, it is a nice way to work until I get my workshop with my best friend to fix electronics, build PCs and sell the occasional tech. But sometimes I cannot even get out of bed because of the existential dread, thinking so much about how one day I will die and from what she is told me... I might go to hell. I do not necessarily believe it, have your faith or lack thereof but I know my God would not throw me into the fiery pits of hell because some asshole grandmother set my mind into this state.When I can get out of bed, I waste my monthly earning on vodka and cigarettes and walk till the end of town, until there is nothing but grass, dirt roads and the sea to east. it is less worse than death, that is for sure, but for how long will it satisfy me?I hate myself and her whilst loving all others, so I am deeply sorry for anyone of you who might have read this, I did not mean to take your time.I do not want to die, but there are no other viable options right now to escape from this hell on Earth. My father refuses to try and get medical intervention or doing anything about it.What is worse? Living a hell on Earth or testing my luck with God?Something, someone, save me.And these issues are only the least of my worries.6 years of psychiatric appointments and visits to the psychologist, but in the snap of a finger, destiny decided to take it all away from me again. All that peace and calm. I cannot stay in my own head. My death is preferable to what my twisted psyche is turning into.",Suicidal +12167,"My entire life is basically over. My parents do not care and I cannot drive so there is no way I can see a doctor. The one appointment I had said there was no abnormalites. that is not true. I cannot remember anything that happened each day, and do not know when I am supposed to eat. At night, I feel scared and can barely move without being terrified by nothing. I have become hypersensitive to sound, and nothing is ever quiet. This has been happening since March 2020 but it is the worse it is ever been. I will never move out. I will never function in society. Why even live. I probably only have months to live anyway. 17 and already having serious memory loss and paranoia. I can no longer function.",Suicidal +12168,"I have felt this way for 6 years now. I feel so permanently stuck in this depressive, hollow, empty life. I have become so numb to everything that it hurts to think about how much I have changed..I tend to keep myself from relationships due to my emotional unavailability from depression because I will know that anyone I date will just feel ignored. I do not want to hurt anyone and do genuinely care about people, even if they do not care about me.I am terrible at explaining my emotions and I apologize ahead of time if this sounds jumbled and repetitive. When I was 10 I was raped. As a male I was pretty much ignored because my attacker was female and it sucked. Losing 2 loved ones to cancer, my dad had a stroke, and my mom was unavailable because she had to take care of my father. When I finally told my parents they supported me fully and took very good care of me to get mental health support. My life has been pretty much existing day to day. Not living, just existing. I feel completely numb and have spent most of my days begging to God for something to change, pleading that my life will be better but it has not. I have tried several coping skills for depression but they always seem to be temporary and never last no matter how long I use them.Over the years I have been officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. All of which culminate into a bundle of nerves and depression that desperately wishes for the touch of others yet is too scared to let anyone near him or get to know him. My friends that do genuinely know me and care for me have stuck with me for years and I have never been more grateful for anything in my life.My sister is my best friend and she has helped me through so many issues that I could never repay her for. I feel guilty for venting to her sometimes though because she has her own issues and she does not need more to add to her pile.Most of my day is spent sleeping, eating, and reading or playing video games on the occasion where I feel even remotely alive enough to do so.I have never self harmed or attempted suicide and never plan on it for the sake of my family and friends but that does not mean I do not wish I did not exist sometimes. I hate myself for what I have become and worry every single day that I will become nothing and end up somehow more worthless than I already am. I know I am intelligent (please do not think I am bragging I promise you I am not), and that is the worst part. I know I have potential, but I am so downtrodden and depressed that I have no motivation or drive to accomplish anything. My love for history and geography is something that I cling to, because I do not have much left.So here I am, here is all that I am, and I do not know what I am doing anymore. I mind feels so permanently foggy and confused that I cannot even think straight anymore. I am in this constant daze and I just want to think right for once. Numb",Depression +12169,fuck you stupid doctors trying to put me on lexapro. fuckin stupid indian literally fuck you doctors,Suicidal +12170,"Is there such a thing as a depression and anxiety rehab center that is not tied to drug or alcohol addictions? I am sick of getting lumped in with addicts. (No offense). Or be offended, i really do not care. Depression / Anxiety Rehab",Depression +12171,"the only people who say do not do it, your life is worth living! are strangers on the internet. strangers who do not know me. I have been waiting for it to get better for seven years and it only gets worse. I am not supposed to be here. i need to just get it over with. my life is the most fucking insignificant waste of time and space. not even the people who brought me into this world care if i live or die. i have not seen my dad in two years and my birth mother in 18. i cannot keep feeling this pain. i want it to end. it will never get better until i kill myself.",Suicidal +12172,Just going to take the 20 some oxy pills I have and wash it down with some alcohol. I have heard that opioid overdoses are peaceful. I am done. Oxycodone overdose,Suicidal +12173,"I am a swimmer, this year has been really hard with depression and I have skipped a lot of swim practices. I have had tons of medical appointments due to that (directly and indirectly) So my coach who is a nice lady asked ""hey i noticed you have been missing a lot and had appointments and all, what is up? Are you okay?""I sorta defected in a way not to answer, but she will ask again at some point. She asks in good faith, but what should I say?I am not close to her at all, she is new, she is just a nice coach who does her job.Any advice appreciated. Been skipping trainings due to depression, how to explain?",Depression +12174,"i have the most supportive wife (I am a woman), loving parents and siblings, enough money to sustain myself, goals, am socially apt, etc. but i want to die more days than i do not and I am so tired of trying to fight it. I am just exhausted. waiting for the day when it really does become too much for me to handle. i hope it never comes but i just cannot see how things could get better considering my life for all intents and purposes is a really good life. everything about my life *should* mean i am super happy but i am depressed",Depression +12175,"She tells me until I start asking her to pray with me I will continue to suffer. She constantly tells me depression is not real and it is a demon working inside of me she has literally even gone as far as blowing hard in my face saying ""Go demon!!come out!!""I felt so disrespected i just went to my room before we had start to fighting and cried out of both anger and sadness. I also have acne and broke out really bad recently and she said ""Demons have a look and sin start coming out through your skin have you start to looking like a monster"" so I asked her so since I have severe acne I look like a monster ? When on other days I get dressed up and she screams ""my beautiful daughter"" and wants to take a million photos of me. Also got into an argument with her a month ago about how schizophrenia also is not a demon she say it is a demon how they move around like that on the floor and so I asked her does she think that a person that is having a seizure also demonic and she could not answer that one and wanted to end the convo . She then says all mental illness is demonic because demons attack your mind. she is making me even more depressed gosh she has never helped me through my horrible PTSD and she never comforted me about my depression only bash me and call me a demon I have had enough with my Christian mom (19F)",Depression +12176,"tw transphobia i guess for anyone affected /I am trans and it just makes me want to die so fucking bad. I am sure all of you know this already but being trans is one of the most disgusting and revolting things i could ever be, and a HUGE burden on everyone both medically and emotionally (by forcing everyone to say my pronouns, and when they get them wrong of course they feel bad about it). I have tried to detransition but nothing ever sticks, I am just fucking stuck like this forever i guess. i feel like a monster, I have fucked up my body by going on hormones and getting my chest sliced up and now i look worse than i ever have. i used to be a beautiful girl and now I am a disgusting freak of nature and i just wish i could go back and never even realize this in the first place. it has ruined every single thing in my life in ways i could have never imagined :( if i cannot detransition and be a normal human being again by next year i think ill just kill myself. the world is better off without another disgusting person like me anywaysif you have any thoughts feel free to share them, if you are transphobic you can tell me about it in the comments if you want, it might help me get my shit together and detransition if i hear about why its so terrible from others. the people around me are too accepting of trans people so i do not get enough shit for deciding to do this i just wish i could be normal",Suicidal +12177,So. Gf leaving me. Practically already ex but looking for another place to leave before ending officially for good. No job. Nothing good really happening. Considering going to a psychologist but cannot feel like that would happen since I am usually depressed when it is good but at least now I have lots of reasons to be depressed about. Still hanging. No pun intended. Just feel like there is no actual reason for me to mind dying or to continue alive. I do not feel alive.Just wanted to vent a little. If anyone reads this please write anything below...just to know that someone out there is reading. I will probably look for a good psych...I feel dragged to the ground more and more...and do not want that I want to be cremated. Not really suicidal ...but yeah?,Suicidal +12178,"Being a single mom makes the burden of not wanting to be alive any longer even heavier. I am in constant fucking survival mode. I am in constant fear of what my future looks like and how that is going to provide for them. I have a failed marriage bc my husband turned out to be an addict. I have a job that is not secure because my boss is fucking every new hire and on a cocaine and alcohol binge every weekend thus leading to threatening me that he can fire me whenever he wants. The cost of living is at an all fucking high and I cannot fucking catch up. I have no fucking idea what I want to do in life. I would love to go to college or have a passion for something but I just fucking do not and I do not know why. I do not KNOW WHY. For as long as I can remember, I just do not have a career in mind. I feel like a failure of a person. I feel like a shitty fucking mother because I cannot seem to figure out what I want to do in life. I have no extended help for my kids. I do it 100% by my fucking self. Life is fucking scary. Being a single mom trying to survive is fucking scary. I fucking cannot anymore.I fucking live paycheck to paycheck. My son who is going into first grade is in need of supplies and new shoes. Hes asking for a certain backpack and it literally kills me, makes me cry that I am struggling so much because of life, I cannot get him simple things like a backpack. When will this fucking end. When will trying to just live a normal life without having to survive first, start. Thinking about suicide has been weighing heavier and heavier every single day. I literally think about it every single night when I lay my head down. It makes me sick to even have to ask but Literally if anybody can help so I can surprise my son with a backpack for first grade or even so I can stalk up on some groceries or put gas in my car, even if its $3, can you please Venmo @AshR2. I am at my end and about to have a mental break down, that I obviously cannot even afford to have. If I was not a mom of two, I would have ended it by now",Suicidal +12179,"I feel like such a manchild sometimes for not accepting that I need to work to make money, and that I need money to live.The thought of having to work forever makes me feel so hopeless. Its hard for me to enjoy my day after work and on weekends because all I can think about is having to go to work later.",Suicidal +12180,"Like 22 oxy pills, washed down with some alcohol? From what I have heard the overdoses are peaceful. Sounds like the best way to die. Opioid overdoses are supposed to be peaceful. cannot wait.",Suicidal +12181,"I really just need to shut the fuck up next time, I really need to. Yesterday at my therapy appointment, I decided to tell her that I have been feeling suicidal lately, and yknow last time I felt suicidal I attempted. So I thought I was doing myself a favor, but NO I feel like things have gotten worse and I feel so horrible about it. I feel like I just caused more unnecessary stuffI thought I needed to go to the hospital, because I was scared of my well being, so my dad and stepmom drive up to a place, and we sit and talk, it took forever to talk to someone. All that just for them to say that I did not even need to be admitted, they told me that I was fine. I really wanted to tell the guy that I have been self harming but I just could not, my family was in the same room as me. I think the guy I was seeing also wants me to join these groups things, idk I will be talking to people my age about their struggles, but it will be over zoom :/ and I really really do not want to do that, but I think my parents are going to force meSo I feel horrible, that it was pointless, that I just caused more problems. My dad was also going to get a new job, he will make more money at this job, but now idk if he is going to get it because he is scared I will try to do something to myself so he may not take the job. I feel bad because he is been talking about this job for awhile, saying that will be ""life changing money"" but because of me I do not know if he is going to take itMy parents took my pills and hid dangerous stuff around the house. I just feel like everything is worse, I am not really allowed to stay home by myself much anymore. I should have just shut the fuck up, I feel I only made things worse for myself. I feel like a burden, I wish I never opened up to people about my problems Burden",Depression +12182,Just left work early. Was supposed to work until 4am. No way with my lack of will to live. I am so tired. I am so tired of working long hours just to fucking survive. I am not happy. I feel forced to live. We are born to go to school for 12 or more years and work until we die. I am just a slave. I barely get time for myself or sleep. The lack of sleep is driving me insane. I just want to sleep forever. I am going to overdose tonight. there is no turning back with me leaving my job. I think I am going to do it tonight,Suicidal +12183,"I have struggled with depression for a while but it was not until 3 years ago that I decided to start seeing a therapist about it. Before I went to therapy I really did not know what depression was but could definitely tell something was not right, I was pushing away my friends, was not exactly suicidal but I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations and really did not care about the outcome. Depression for me really comes in waves, I have good months and bad months and therapy has really helped me recognize when a bad month is coming on but this self awareness has almost made me feel worst in a way. I am starting to isolate myself again and I just constantly feel like I am letting my friends down because I am aware I am doing it. I just do not have the motivation to talk to respond to them or hangout with them. It just makes me feel so shitty that I realize what I am doing and I am doing anything to stop it. I realized the other day that I had not once checked up on a friend who was going through a breakup. I had not even asked her if she was doing okay. I just wish I could get better. Bad days have been stacking recently.",Depression +12184,"Hey all, just looking for advice(?), I am not sure if I am actually showing signs of depression. I just never feel excited or truly happy, but at the same time I still laugh with my buddies and joke with my family. I also never feel motivated, it gotten to the point where it is a struggle to just get up in the morning. I am only 15 so I am not sure if this is just from puberty or what. I am reluctant to talk to my mother because I do not want to seem a burden, we just recently lost my grandfather (her father) and is trying to work things out with my stepdad again. I do not want to stress her even more then she already is. Sorry if this seems like a massive block of unintelligible mess, ended up more of a rant then anything. I need a second opinion and maybe even some advice",Depression +12185,"Right now I am practically shaking, there is knots in my stomach and I am nearly crying all because I have to take an hour drive in a few days to leave upstate New York. I feel like if I told anyone how I feel they would just think I wanted them to feel sorry for me or something or even people who I know would understand, I just do not want anyone to feel bad for me. I am not being a baby, this really hurts I feel terrible",Depression +12186,i tried calling a hotline twice last night but hung up both times because i freaked out. today i tried a crisis text like three times but kept ending the chat before it even started because i freaked out. i cannot even use a fucking text line. i do not deserve help and i need to stop wasting resources when i know ill just hang up. ill probably freak out and delete this post. i cannot fucking do this. hotlines are so fucking hard to use.,Suicidal +12187,"This will be my 5th therapist. Idk how I can ever be normal again. On paper, I really am a crazy person. If I were smart enough I would program me a bot that can act as my therapist. I just need someone to tell lots of shit to and occasionally talk back. Therapy is tricky though because each time they hit a wall with me and I can tell they have lost all interest and they run out of things to say and just bs. So it always ends the same but I need someone to talk to and at the same time I just want nothing Think I might need therapy again but it always ends the same",Depression +12188,"I honestly do not know where I am going to go, my psychotic mind wants me to walk through different states or to the capital or the state. I am having another episode, let us hope I commit to something this time around. I am about to run away from home - too much of a coward to end it",Suicidal +12189,"I have let it all go. I am too depressed to get up and do things around the house. To even take care of myself for that matter. I am currently on so many medications that just do not work. Not to mention made me gain weight; the highest poundage I have ever been. I have never felt more disgusted about someone. There are people YOUNGER than me who already have achieved so much, including family members and friends and there is just no way to catch up. I have no job, no will, no energy. I am out of carrots to give and do not feel good enough to receive. I do not think I can live like this always grasping at straws and fumbling. I am too scared to feel any pain to die so what do I do. This damage I have done TO MYSELF is horrific and I am irreversibly broken. Time to go",Depression +12190,Recently I stopped hang out with all of my friends (except two and one of them is as or more depressed then I am so I do not see him much) I stoped hanging out with them because they were defending their old friend who is very very homophobic racist and transphobic I was starting to feel a bit better before it happened because I felt like I found a group of good friends that could support me with my mental illness and the other way around like I could help them but when I stopped hanging out with them I really started to spiral again and it was about the same time I started working full time again after COVID I was having regular panic attacks (like 8-10 an 8 hour shift) and having really bad depressive spirals and suicidal thoughts in the middle of my shift I need advice,Depression +12191,"Work makes me depressed because it reminds me that I will be fighting tooth and nail till the day I die for a wage that cannot get close to affording rent anywhere.I am not affraid of work, I do not want everything handed to me, I just want to live. I just want to be able to stay warm and eat without worrying if I have the money. I want to be able to buy food or necessities without equating the price to how many therapy appointments that was.I just want to live. I want to want to live. I want to feel like I am not walking into a trap.I am tired of seeing articles about what to do if your job makes you depressed as if there is not some bigger problem going on. I want to not be exhausted all the time. I want to have energy despite having chronic health issues.I want... to feel like I deserved these things... Being an adult is a scam",Suicidal +12192,"From the outside looking in, I have lived a pretty good life. I am 21, at college, grew up middle class in the suburbs of America. But man. I have had so many girls cripplingly ghost me after hooking up with me and each time it just hurts more than the last. My life has had more bad than good. I wish I was never born. I truly wish I did not have to be on this earth to experience those painful, painful rejections. I fall in love very easily and just get played with constantly by women. No amount of joy I have experienced in my entire life compares to the magnitude of pain I have experienced from these women. I want to die. Wishing that I was never born",Suicidal +12193,"1. I am going to be working at a fucking pizza place forever because I am too much of a loser to hold down a real job. Every other job I have walked out of or gotten fired from because I do not want to spens my life working.2. So what do I do instead of working? Do I work on my hobbies? My relationships? No, I just drink. Or smoke pot. All fucking day. I never used to be this bad before. I wastes my entire day today and I probably will tomorrow.3. The one fucking thing I want to do, which is play the drums, I never fucking do. People think I practice all the time. I used to. Now I waste all of my time drinking and smoking. Why? Why cannot I have this one simple fucking thing on this miserable planet? Why? 4. Relationships? No. I will not even fucking write about it. But it is not his fault. I am the one destroying everything. I am the liability. I do not blame him. 5. I will never change. I just will not. I can say I will, but I will not. Tomorrow will be the same. I will make the same choices. I will feel angrier and angrier the more days I waste. who is ruining my life? Me. Who needs to die? Me. I am responsible for this entire shit show of a life that I flushed down the toilet. Did I ever have a chance? Was I born doomed? God fucking damn it I wish I could just die already. I cannot believe I am stuck here for 50 or 60 more years",Suicidal +12194,"Hello,I do not have anyone to talk with so i will write it here, because i have need to ventilate my feelings out, so thanks everyone for hearing me.Since childhood, i'v been always fat. It was caused by bad working thyroid gland and excessive sugar income. And it is well know that fat people have really small penis, in my case i have also circumcision because of something that happened when i was really young. My face is also not one of the most beautiful. Because of that, my self confidence is literaly below zero.I had a crush for 13 years on primary and secondary school. I never told her that i was in love with her.First of all, it was just because of lack of self confidence. When i was older, i realized where is relationship, there must be sex. And i cannot have sex because of my problem i mentioned.I had to cut all our connections and go on in my life.Once, there was girl and it seemed that she may like me or even love. I had to send her away, cut all our connections and go on in my life. I did this everytime with every woman i'v met because i was afraid that even with my look, friendship with girl could grown in something more serious.There was a time when i came to terms with it and i peacefuly lived on. But last couple years, it is killing me, I am crying almost every night, I am not smiling anymore and this loneliness is really painfull.I would like to have a person i could share my life with, enjoy moments of life together, smile and love each other. But i know i cannot fulfill women's desires. I'v always figured out all my problems, but this.. i just do not know what to do, how to fix this. that is reason why i will be forever alone and will slowly dying inside with emptiness in my life. My destiny is to be forever alone and it is killing me inside.",Depression +12195,"cannot be fucked with it anymore, I am damaged beyond all repairOiche mhaith agus go raibh mhaith agat cannot be fucked anymore",Suicidal +12196,I sleep every night wishing I could never wake up. I have lost someone very important in my life and I cannot keep going on. I made appointment with a therapist but I do not think I can do it anymore. I miss them a lot and I wish I was not alone. No purpose in life,Depression +12197,Cuddling my pillow I am so pathetic,Suicidal +12198,"I am honestly crying while writing this because I know no one cares. I am genuinely alone, all I do is take up space when someone is better off filling it. My mom cannot take my shit anymore because I want to drop out of college and my dads never around to confide in. I just cannot get a break. I am sick I am tired of people telling me the same thing that it will get better because its only gotten worse. I really do not want to die but I cannot take this shit anymore, I am such a useless burden. I feel like a failure at 20 years old",Suicidal +12199,"this is probably going to be incoherent and messy i just need to vent, you can ignore thisi was pissed off and i normally do not like people touching me, and she tried to touch my arm and i pulled away and she said ""normal people touch each other"". I am really upset because it was out of the blue, and i normally use ""normal people do blank"" as an insult to myself, so hearing it from my own mother was a slap in the face. also she keeps touching me when i have repeatedly told her not to, and then she acts sad when i pull away, and then she acts like guilt tripping me is a funny joke and says she will stop and does not. I am so done with this bullshit. i wish i was 18. i want to leave this awful place. my mom said I am not normal",Depression +12200,"After years of horrible things happening to me (emotional and physical trauma), I went to a psych ward at 14yrs old and a year later, I have guitars, a piano, a phone ,a laptop, food, a bed, parents who are still together, a house, a boyfriend, friends., Why do i feel so ungrateful? I feel as if no one really cares about me, i feel useless, i want to die, this world is horrible, so much is corrupted, so many people are in pain in the world and I am just here. The cycle of me wanting to feel the satisfaction of death is restarting and i know no one will fully know or understand me, i just want to sleep, curl up next to my mom and sleep forever. i feel like i have everything i could possibly need to be satisfied but i am not. I want to die again.",Suicidal +12201,"Foreal, it is better to get a depressed and suicidal friend as you together you can be happy and understand each other because you both wanted to die and such friend will not call the psych ward about you instead of rotten hotlines and therapists, it is best to get an actual good friend and you can make each other happy do not call hotlines",Suicidal +12202,"Of course, I pretend to feel happy around most people. But even when I am with someone who knows I am depressed, I have to pretend? Like, if I am eating with my friends and look happy, then they will probably think I just say I am depressed for attention because I seem happy, but if I actually look depressed, then they will think it is attention seeking for them to ask me if I am okay or something like that. So I try to look like I am trying to look happy but failing cuz then they will know I am depressed but trying to look happy, if that makes sense. I have to pretend even with my psychologist, because if I look happy, then they will not take me seriously, but if I look always depressed, they will think I do not listen to them. Same with my sister, she tries to help me, but if I look too happy, she will think I was just pretending to have depression, but if I look depressed, then I am not even trying to feel better. It happens all the time and I do not even know if I am honest with myself. I always feel like I am pretending something",Depression +12203,My family is manipulative and my brother is deranged psycho. I could just take them all and be done with it. Just go to sleep and be done with the pain. I have an entire bottle if antidepressants next to me.,Suicidal +12204,Every day feels exactly the same. I am never happy with my accomplishments or progress in life. A fancy new car or a big beautiful house just eventually becomes not exciting or just something to worry about. I have a really hard time making new friends and it makes me feel awful. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not enjoy being alive.,Suicidal +12205,"Loneliness, mental illnesses/disorders, no freedom at all only slavery pain diseases if i could live somewhere outside of this shitty world i will do Modern world is a disease",Suicidal +12206,"I do not have anyone left, I am all alone. I was trying to get help but what is the point when you have no one that cares about you. I do not know what I am doing with my life, why am I so useless and so unlikeable. Why do I wake up every morning. I miss you, I spend every day with this unbearable pain in my chest. I cannot keep doing this anymore. Why am I always left behind I do not think I can keep going.",Suicidal +12207,"I am a failure at everything, to the point I cannot kill myself properly I hate myself so much, I am not good enough, I was never good enough, the world as a whole would be better off without me I want to kill myself but I am to cowardly to do it.",Suicidal +12208,The therapists invalidate my feelings AND do NOT understand why people in extreme pain over long periods want to die. Nothing gets solved and I get humiliated. Fuck that. I have given up on therapy. Suicide it is for me.,Suicidal +12209,"I feel so empty inside. I have lost all of my friends, and I am so lonely. Every day is the same. Wake up, do chores, eat, sleep...over and over...every day. I am always tired and just want to sleep all day. it is the only thing that makes me feel happy. it is great to imagine being a different me, in a happier life. I have a lot of self-hate and pretending to be someone I am not, makes me feel better the moment I am dreaming, but only makes the pain hurt more once I wake up. I have tried to talk about these things to my mom, but it is hard to confide in a parent who constantly manipulates you and emotionally abuses you. Anytime I wanted to talk about anything, it always ends up being my fault. it is mentally, and physically draining. My dad on the other hand is someone I could confide in, but I feel it would because more problems. My parents are constantly fighting, and my dad is an alcoholic. There has been some physical abuse, but never towards me. it is so painful and sad to watch my parents fight, and I am just stuck. I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. I do not know if things will get better. I do not know what to do anymore.",Depression +12210,"I owed the IRS 100. from 2011 and they billed me for 900., I said go fuck yourself, but eventually when I had a return they just took it. I do not make much money, best year ever was 32,000. but normally 24,00 or a little better, and my return was about 50. most years which they took. I still owed a bunch when stimulus went out, but I never got a stimulus check for whatever reason so I was able to to put that in my tax filing and get it that way a year late but they took 1,200 of the 1,600. I needed a car, but now I am just stuck waiting for my 13 year old car to die (tranny is slipping, and the motor is sounding strange) so I can hitchhike the 13 miles to work. Good times. In total, that 100. cost me almost 2,000. after their penalties, ect. Got laid off 2 years ago causing me to default on 2 credit accounts, got sued and had a garnishment on 1 so far for a year that had me at times having to choose between food or gas to get to work. I bought gas, that was the best money year on paper because I begged for overtime to somewhat offset the garnishment so I did not become homeless or starve. Another garnishment is coming soon, I do not know if I can survive another one. I have never been so depressed before, have completely isolated myself from everyone , not sure I am going to make it to 58 years old. I am a simple guy living a very basic life. No tv, no extras, internet is my one extravagance. I have been continuously employed for the last 15 years with only small gaps before that. I am an 8th grade educated failure of an adult. that is my experience as a white man in America. (I am not suicidal despite the depression, I have a grown daughter and I could never because her that kind of pain, but there have been times that I thought an accidental death, or death by illness would be a blessing. I am tired of this life.) I have no solution to my life. is not it ironic that I cannot afford to file for bankruptcy? I gave notice and am changing jobs and upending my work of the last 9 years just to get 1 more dollar an hour because no raise this year even though I worked through the pandemic when 2/3 of the shop left. 2 of us kept a 7 man operation going for months before people started trickling back in. They made a lot more money on unemployment than I did working. I have only ever had 1 unemployment check in my life and I was working another job when it arrived. I am sorry this is so long, it feels good to get some of this off my chest, I do not have anyone I can tell this to, nobody else knows, I am too ashamed to speak of it to anyone. My story of the last decade.",Suicidal +12211,That I finally work up the nerve to do it. It feels like I will never be happy. Lately I have been considering moving the timeline up but idk. Why could not someone who wanted to be born be born instead I cannot wait for the day,Depression +12212,"I just got a referall for an assessment from a psychiatrist, and I am kind of scared - every time I have a really bad depressive episode it feels horrible at the time, I get really teary and suicidal at my worst, but then when I come out of it I cannot help but wonder if I made it all up somehow. And especially when it is more mild and chronic I sometimes do not think it is bad enough to warrant getting help. Anyone else go through something similar? Getting diagnosed - feel like a fraud",Depression +12213,Tried killing myself the other night by taking a handfull of pills and drinking then all. I blacked out and then woke up fine. I am so pissed it did not work because now after it i realize how much better things would be if I am dead. I hate myself,Suicidal +12214,"I am on an anti depressant called Wellbutrin. I know that generally you are not supposed to mix the two together. I have read online that alcohol and meds can increase side effects, because seizures, and possibly death. My question though is about whether there is like a safe amount of alcohol that you can drink while on meds? Or just how would one go about drinking in this particular situation? I am asking because I just turned 21 a few months ago and Id like to try to be safe. I am considering asking my psychiatrist about this too. So I had a question about alcohol and meds.",Depression +12215,I fantasize about my suicide constantly. No one gives a fuck about me so why keep going. what is the point of living a meaningless life. I get no joy from anything. No friends nothing. Its pathetic. How I ever got a girlfriend once was some cosmic shift in the universe. did not take long for me to absolutely ruin it. I literally have no one to call that will listen. I tell my brother my life sucks and he just sends me a picture of my nephew. Why cannot you just support me. If I owned a gun I would just do it tonight. I should just do what that guy in sunshine cleaning did. But some bullets go to a gun shop and load it and off myself there. Or I would pay someone to do it. Hire a house painter on myself. Call the police on myself. I am a coward. Will just continue to walk this shitty life alone. What an absolute miserable existence. I am 35 years old and have nothing to show for it. No one knows I am here so no one will care when I am gone. No one gives a fuck about me,Suicidal +12216,I cannot tell if I am actually sad or faking it I am in a fucking loop cutting myself but I do not know I am actually sad I know that my grandma and the people I am around hate me and I cut myself because of it but I cannot tell if I am actually depressed Is this normal? What the fuck is happening to me,Depression +12217,"I do not want to keep going anymore. Everything is useless. No coping mechanisms work, nothing makes me genuinely happy, becaude the second I feel happy I remember how pointless it is. Its all so stupid. I am drowning in my own self pity. I used to keep going for my friends, I lost all of those. Then I kept going to achieve my goals, only to realize they were stupid childish dreams I could not achieve. Then there was nothing, no reason to go outside, no reason to get out of bed. Some days I do not even get up. I just lay there, do not eat, do not sleep, I am basically already dead. Sometimes I wish I would go back to therapy, but my therapist basically told me ""you are fucked, I cannot help you."" So that is out of the question.I do not even know where I am going with this, I just want to be happy. I do not care anymore, I just want it all to stop",Depression +12218,"I just do not know what to do anymore, I am so boring and everything I try and do I get bored of and unmotivated so I have no hobbies, do not even play any video games because I am that unmotivated and not interested in it, so that is the first part down. Secondly I have basically nobody now except one friend and I feel like they are leaving me probably because I am so boring and when someone does be my friend I get soooo clingy and end up ruining the friendship and now I am back in a hole. I showered yesterday but that was the first time in a lot of days only because my mother forced me. have not brushed my hair for a week and do not plan to because I have no energy, I have have not had a proper sleep in ages because I always wake up in so much mental pain that gets physical and stops me breathing and I break down and cry. And I do not eat much because I am to tired tooI was diagnosed around the age of 12 and I am 16 now and this is the worst episode I have ever been in, do not know how much longer I can take it because was meant to have a psychologist appointment today but she did not end up doing a online appointment like we were suppose to so even my psychologist does not want to deal with me heh. I have have not gone to any online classes (where I am is in lockdown) because I have stopped caring about myself and I know its going to put me deeper in the hole but I do not care any more at all. Found out my dads got a deadly problem the other day, grandpa is in hospital basically dead so no hope there, i have no one to talk to except one person and they keep disappearing and I do not want to burden them to much because they are my only friend. At this point I am not living like every teenager is meant to be, I am just surviving. I need to vent and its going to drain me",Depression +12219,"I used to be the person who would talk to everyone, i cannot even hold a conversation anymore because my mind goes blank. I am a fucking idiot, God i hate myself I cannot even talk to people anymore",Depression +12220,"I work as a model and I have some recent cuts on my left wrist, they are not deep but they for sure will trigger a discussion in the studio If I do not do something about that NOWI cannot use jewerly in this job but I can use some long sleeves, I have also been aplying a pomade to make It less red and the foundation does not cover It nicely so I am still in despairWhy I do that to myself? I know I should not but the inner suicidal feeling I have never goes away Hiding self harm scars is going to make me go crazy",Suicidal +12221,Hey everyone :) I am here if you ever need to vent or need a friend. It helps me to help others. If anyone needs someone to talk to,Depression +12222,"been out at sea for two weeks now. being trapped with he same people for this long has shown the real faces of a couple of people. Spark notes of this would be that I had an argument with someone onboard over how negative I am towards the navy which cut deeply. They brought up how since I am entirely alone I have no one worry about except myself which is not a blessing at all to me. for years I have wanted to have someone to care for and be my drive for success but I doubt that will ever happen thanks to the amount of time being a sailor robs from me. I have no time to establish a relationship and no easy way out of the navy to start one for at least 3 years. so while everyone complains about being away from family I have no people counting on me or waiting when we pull back into port. my only experiences and friends come from the ship and I truly hate that. another diss was that I would never make it in the real world with the amount I complain. To say something like that digs on my pride in workmanship which is the only real leg I have left to stand on. there is a lot more to it but those are the spark notes. To sum it up I have no place to turn to, no one to talk to, and no way out or person to be happy with so I would rather hang myself off the mast of the ship or shoot myself on watch guarding the pier. TIRED OF LIVING A LONELY COMICAL EXISTENCE.",Suicidal +12223,Nothing makes me happy anymore & I feel so alone Sad,Depression +12224,"I just cannot deal with loneliness anymore,but I am atleast going to give an honest attempt in trying to find someone.If I fail to find someone I am going to kill myself. If I cannot find a relationship in a year's time I am buying a gun and I am going to shoot myself in the head with it.",Suicidal +12225,"My ex and I broke up for various reasons I do not enst to go into. We just moved across the country together and live in a small apartment together. I need to get out for my safety. The problem is, I have no one. I only have 1 family member and she is a raging alcoholic who cannot give support or help without getting something in return. I barley have any friends since I have been in a controlling, abusive relationship for almost 2 years. All my old friends have moved on and stopped hitting me up. I tried to reach out over and over and no one acknowledged it. I try to make friends and it never works. I do not even know what to do. I feel so helpless and worthless. I have lived on my phone for 2 weeks now trying to find somewhere for me and my pets to go. Nothing works out. I am drained and do not know how much longer I can take this. The only thing that is keeping me here is my 2 pets. I just want to die. I cannot go to a hospital because then I will leave my pets and I have no one to take care of them. What even are my options? Because the only one I can think of is dying. I do not want to be here",Depression +12226,I am getting everything set up and then i plan to overdose i already cut my wrists pretty badly but ill finally be out of this i cannot bear it anymore I am doing it in an hour,Suicidal +12227,"Because of drinking. I hate myself so much. I had the whole day today to work on my hobbies and I did not, I just drank and passed out. I was 4 hours late to work!!!! I have a unicorn boss so I did not get fired. I was doing better and i had been going to ask for a raise but I guess not now. Best part is I left the bottle out in my mad dash to get to work, so my partner ia going to know I have been drinking again when they get home. WHY? Why cannot I go one fucking day without destroying my own life? Why am I like this? This is the eight billionth time I have done this to myself. I wasted this entire effing day",Depression +12228,"I took a bunch of pills and I called am ambulance. Now I am in the hospital, super high off of the meds i took. I am on an oxygen tank and I am going to be okay. I failed, thankfully.",Suicidal +12229,"Where you lay in bed and just think, oh i fucked up. Like your whole life at some point like you know what you did wrong but cannot change it. Well my biggest mistake was turning around and not taking the jump that day. You get thst feeling?",Suicidal +12230,I do not know if this is a side effect. But I just feel so ... nothing. I do not want to do anything. Even typing this is painful.I spoke to the doctor and he said he rather not play with my medications as I have a psychiatrist I am going to talk to in 4 weeks.I also do not know if this is just my depression or the medication.Kill me please. I am just so tired of everything and everyone. 3 Weeks Into Trintellix - Life Is Passing Me By?,Depression +12231,"I must have done some really fucked up things in my previous life to deserve this. I do not believe in god and I am not spiritual in any fashion, but hypothetically, damn. I know this is a massive exaggeration but I feel like I must have been Hitler or Genghis Khan or whatever in my past life to deserve this kind of pain.&#x200B;I have suffered from depression since I was 14 (at least, maybe 12 but it is so hazy- I am nearly 22). I finally got treatment at 18, and I am starting my ninth antidepressant since then (Viibryd) tomorrow morning. I have been deluding myself for the past 8 months; I increased Wellbutrin this year and it helped some, but it seriously amplified my anxiety, which I have been trying to treat since then. But I had my psych appt yesterday and we discussed tricyclics or Viibryd, and I went with the latter because I would heard good things about it for TRD, and especially TRD with anhedonia. Despite the bad side effects. My pharmacy had to order it and I picked it up tonight, but since yesterday I have been reading and panicking.&#x200B;I had a lot of hope yesterday; I imagined a life where I actually wanted to do something. Anything. A life where I wanted to talk to people, be social, be adventurous. it is in my nature but depression seriously mutes all of it and I hate it.&#x200B;I hate this shit. I hate the 9 meds and still daily suicidal/self harm thoughts. I hate that I cannot get a MAOI. I hate how hard it can be to treat depression. I am just so defeated and angry at this point. I DO have hope for Viibryd, but I am also terrified because Trintellix (in the same med class) did not work at all. I hate that it seems pretty clear that I do not have another possible diagnosis. I am just so fucking frustrated and I needed to unload so I hope you all are somewhat nice lol A rant about my inability to find relief",Depression +12232,Anyone else feel like their entire life purpose has been to become so numb that they can finally kill themself? Fuck,Suicidal +12233,"Where do I BEGIN. I am 19 year old but I feel like I have already lived for too long. I honestly never planned to make it past 16 yet many suicide attempts later (earlier this year being my worst one) I am still here. It feels like a sick twist of fate. Like I am being kept on earth just for suffering. I am my moms only child and she depends on me for everything. Due to this I constantly have to worry about being employed or else Ill be the reason were homeless. I just completed my first year of college while working two jobs and it was the worst thing that is ever happened to me. I always thought once I ditched the shithole that was high school, Id have a fresh start in college. As you can tell, not true for me. I had the worst breakdowns, falling out with a very close friend and I was sexually harassed by my professor my first semester after he found out I was vulnerable. I bombed my first two semesters of school and I am so scared to tell anyone that I am such a failure. I am a first generation student. I am supposed to be the one in my family that becomes something but I have achieved absolutely nothing. I have just been an imposter acting like I am worth anything. Between the financial stress, mental illness and family issues, I just want everything to stop. I get so worked up because I hide everything all the time but I want to just let go of all the responsibilities. I do not want to be anything or do anything. I just want to die. Maybe there is not a light at the end of the tunnel?",Suicidal +12234,My life for the past few years has been nonstop suffering. Just make it all stop. Please. I cannot fucking do this anymore. I want to die.,Suicidal +12235,Every person in my life that was supposed to love me and be there for me betrayed me and completely fucked me over. NPD mother and grandmother. Two year relationship with an NPD woman that was 8 years older than me that completely broke my ability to trust. Two faced friendsIs it me? Do I really deserve this? I am alone now. Not one person to even so much as talk to. This is not a post looking for anything. Just to vent.I am reaching my limit. The only thing I am capable of doing is laying in bed and drinking/getting high. I cannot even watch tv or movies because nothing interests me. I have one show I watch and I am sick of it.Scrolling reddit makes me feel like complete shit about myself. Everybody is good at something and I cannot even try anymore because my families abuse has made me feel so worthless and shitty about myself I cannot even put it into words. I feel mentally paralyzed and crippled. I cannot even bare to face or talk to anybody I feel so worthless and ashamed of my existence. Is this really what I deserve? The worst part is as badly as I want to die and hurt myself I cannot because I am a coward and pussy and the only method I can see not being scared of is impossible right now because I do not have access to opiates or benzos anymore so Ill continue to sit here and suffer until I can finally get my hands on what I need. This fucking sucks and I pray for some kind of freak accident or terminal illness to have some fucking mercy on me. Fuck. Life is unfair,Suicidal +12236,"So I guess this is it. I live with my grandma, were about $2000 behind on the bills and she has no idea. Everything is getting shut off on Monday. The cats are starving, just got a call today saying I did not get a job I applied for two weeks ago. I have been turned down for multiple jobs over the past six months and I am at the end of my rope lol. I actually went to Walmart about an hour ago and picked up some nylon rope for the weekend.Tonight I am writing my letters and making a mixtape, tomorrow I am throwing all my stuff out and wiping my devices, Saturday night I am ending it all. I have been nothing but a failure and a disappointment and honestly do not deserve to live. I cannot face my grandma on Monday when the lights go out.Thanks Reddit for everything, you are the only reason I have made it this far. Stay safe and hug someone today. Joining the 27 club",Suicidal +12237,"I have suffered from depression since I was little I have been physically, sexually and mentally abused and tortured since the age of 4 . At 13 I physically was taken away from these problems and pulled out of the home and had to go to court and face these people again. At 15 I broke down completely started failing school and getting out of control . I would still have nightmares about what happened to me everyday of the summer . Last year I was so depressed and traumatized I had to get help . I started crying everyday not one day goes by I do not cry I hate going to sleep because of nightmares sometimes . I done cried so much my eyes has now recently become permanently low , when I look into my eyes I do not have ""soulful"" eyes (as people in the older days call it ) like I used to . For the past 2 weeks I cannot cry easily I have to force myself to cry and be extra hurt or sometimes I cry with little tears. Its like my body needs a break from tears . I am just so sad I am not happy I just pray God does what is best for me Am I crying too much? (F19)",Depression +12238,"I have been going on over five years with little to no contact with friends.Other then going online I rarely go out anymore other then to do stuff I need to do.Going to the gym.will put me around people again,but I am terrified to interact with anyone. Long years of loneliness is destroying me inside.",Suicidal +12239,why did i let it happen so easily? want to die so badly. i wish i could hurt him the way he hurt me,Suicidal +12240,"It just hurts. To live, it hurts. To remind of all the good things I have lost and will never come back to me.I have been abandoned by the person I held the closest to my heart, and I cannot see any other reason to keep on fighting this disgusting life I am left with. Things will never get better: only worse. There is just way too much going downhill in my existence, and I do not have the strength to make a change or kickstart my life from the miserable, broken condition I am in now. I am trying. I am fucking trying. I have never spent so much time talking to other people, trying as hard as I can to keep my mind occupied. I am speaking with a therapist, but nothing's helping me to get over this. I am not even sure if I WANT to get over this.And when I am alone, in the darkness of my bedroom, memories keep hammering me over and over with many contrasting feelings. Nostalgia, remorse, hatred, want, frustration, love.Love.I know it is serious when I constantly keep thinking about how much would it hurt to slice my wrists open. Or when I constantly feel like writing one last message, for every person that I loved.I am not sure I can endure this. I just woke up crying and thought about ending myself.",Depression +12241,The men in my family are known to have dreams or epiphanies (as best as i can describe it) of the future that most of the time come true and i am not excluded from that. It can vary from how a particular day turns out to if your girlfriend is going to be unfaithful. Usually the vision will come before the signs that something will happen do. I have been having a recurring dream of my eventual suicide. I can see the path the bullet will take through my brain and it used to not bother me i was completely ok with it. I embraced it even because knowing i would not live long anyway made everything so much easier. I had another wave of calm the other day and i knew then that this was the final stop. I can either continue working my dead end job living at home with no friends anymore and kill myself in six months time or i could hang on to the last bit of hope that maybe i can turn myself around. I got up and decided fuck it I am already dead inside what more could hurt me and i trimmed my beard and brushed my teeth. Yesterday i cleaned my room (kind of) and today i actually got to work on time. Today i applied for another job and I am trying to do at least one little thing of self care every day. Maybe one day ill climb out of this void. Funny thing is the main thing that bothered me about seeing my gravesite in a daydream is that they put a headstone and I have specifically requested that i be wrapped in a cotton sheet and a cedar tree planted at my head i do not want my body preserved. I could even see the date on it but no cedar tree more important. TLDR; maybe I am not ok with suicide I know how I am (hopefully) not going to die,Depression +12242,I cannot see myself making it much longer. I have been in so much goddamn pain for so fucking long. I will not help myself and there is nothing my therapist or anyone can do. Wtf else is there besides blowing my brains out in the woods? I am probably killing myself this year,Suicidal +12243,"Like, why cannot I get beat down or shot in the street? On average, I am only suppose to live to 30, I use public transport and go out of my way to talk to strangers, and I not-so-tactfully tell cis men that I am trans when they hit on me. I really want to get killed...thinking of just jumping in front of the train tbh I wish i could be a statistic",Suicidal +12244,my dad is ashamed that I am about to be 21 and I am still a virgin. hes not the only one though. most of my family thinks that I am gay because I have never had a girlfriend before. its gotten to the point where my dad has told me that he will pay a girl just to have sex with me because he cannot bare the thought of having a virgin son. this does not help the fact that i already do not have the best self esteem and i have not accomplished anything meaningful in my life. i wish i could just disappear forever. what do i do?,Suicidal +12245,"Read my post history. I do not know how to deal with the guilt anymore. I am a terrible person and I know it. Everyone does. The only way to make things right is to end it, to make things even again. Guilt.",Suicidal +12246,I have been living in the same area for several years and I feel so depressed being here. there is nothing to look forward to and everything is the same everyday. Its just a constant cycle of the same things. I do not want to do anything anymore. Nothing excites me. I cannot do anything about it. I just want to get away and never look back. Stuck,Depression +12247,"Its like the title says. I can feel that oncoming depression period start to set in. And while I normally just accept it and deal with it. This time I am scared. I do not want to be depressed. And honestly most of it is because I feel lonely. I have maybe a few friends I talk to sometimes. But for some reason none of that is satisfying this yearning. I did recently end a FWB situation I had going on. I guess the FWB situation helped me depression wise. But I am so, so sick of relying on these type of things to cure this depression. I am tired of chasing people just to not be alone. I am tired of settling for sex even though PIV does not do sh*t for me and all I really crave is the physical intimacy that comes with it. And I am tired of having these things eventually turn to sh*t and looking for more of these type of connections. It sucks. And now I feel like just hitting this dude up and asking for sex even though hes the worse lay but the physical intimacy was enough. And its not just sexual relationships, its friendships too. I do not connect with most of my friends. More so, they rarely excite me. When I am with them, my head is elsewhere. I am literally never paying attention to the conversations I have with them, I am just blanked out. But I continue to hang with them just to escape that lonely feeling. And I am so sick and tired of chasing anything to help me feel better. It never lasts and this time the crash is scary. Feel like I am going back into that depression period and this time I am scared",Depression +12248,So i ve been kind of not enjoying my life lately. Just do stuff i did all the time bud i do not find it enjoyable anymore? i jist do it because i have no school and nothing to do. I started going out having fun and same shit happened just feel like i do not enjoy it i wanted a girl few months ago and now i feel like like there is just no point or i do not have emotions. My brain is just thinking about dumb things that are not true thinking they are true i think about it even when i just do not want to and it makes me feel terrible because i feel like they are true because of that when they are not... I ve never understood depression and never understood how anyone can be sad depressed but now i am one of them and i need help just do not know what to do... I just thinked about suicide which is absolutly no way but i had it in my head for whole day that is what i mean when i think about something that is not true my brain will think about it more and more making me think it actually is true. do not know if someone can understand my problem but if yeah you can try help me... Feeling bad thinking about just dumb things that are not true,Depression +12249,"And I lost my favorite tie clip. Afterwards I went to a barbershop numb, alone, did not think much. And got the shortest hair I have had in years. The new look is shit, I miss my middle part from before. I feel like all the life journey I have been on and will have is just a gradual process of losing and becoming more immune to pain. I have had a few attempts in the past but somehow I still want to hold on to it and see, maybe one day, just one day in a few decades life would be different and I can be genuinely happy. I really hope I can make it. I attended my moms wedding today. I know she does not even like the groom because she told me before.",Suicidal +12250,"My family constantly puts all their stuff on me. if their stressed they dump it on me. I am so sick of it. i wish i could live an easier life. my moms so cruel to me. i do not wanma be abused anymore, i just do not want to be abused anymore. I want an easier life. Nothings Fair",Suicidal +12251,"I am exhausted. I have been dealing with my depression getting worse for the past months and have been suicidal for two years. The only thing that kept me going was going on a trip with my long-distance boyfriend, which was supposed to happen in 3 days. However, he has ghosted me and refused to answer my calls or reply to my texts after such a minor argument, and I meant MINOR, we were both just in a bad mood. It was nothing worth ending a 4 year relationship. I have no friends since I moved to a new city (relocating was honestly the reason for my depression), my relationship with my family is not too great, I barely communicate with them and I rather not. And now the one person that helped me get through my past depressive episodes is no longer here with me.I do not want to kill myself, but I am sick of living. I know there is moments of happiness in life, and if I do keep going it will be worth it, but I do not care anymore. Happiness is so temporary, what is the point? Things will get messed up again because that is just how life is. And each time something awful happens, it completely destroys me. I am tired of living like this. I am lonely but I do not want to talk to anyone anymore. I am tired of getting left. I am tired of feeling. I just want to not exist anymore. How am I supposed to keep going if there is nothing to live for?",Suicidal +12252,I am struggling I do not think I contribute to my family in a positive way at all I am wonderful which drug I could take that could end this turmoil the quickest I just want to disappear. Why am I even here,Suicidal +12253,"I have no thoughts running around my mind. Except for swallowing an entire bottle of advice and sleeping forever. I am lonely. I have family around and friends. But my parents work all the time and tell me I am not doing good enough at anything. They firmly believe that teens who are busy will never do drugs, I work on my family farm and have a part time job. I am so overwhelmed. On the days I finally have free time all I do is think about how I should starve myself or jump in front of a moving vehicle. My family constantly makes cruel jokes about my mental state. My classmates are mean. I was called a baby killer and a whore and a slut. ALL IN FRONT OF A FUCKING TEACHER HE SAT THERE LIKE A FUCKING ROBOT AND SAID NOTHING. welp cut, cut, cut. Butwho fucking knows I think tonight might be the night. I have an idea. But my cat will be sad. I wish my thoughts were not empty, then maybe I could find a reason to live. I have no thoughts except",Suicidal +12254,"Like, will they go trought your messages, photos, etc. When you call suicide hotline and police gets involved, will they go trought your phone?",Suicidal +12255,"I know this is not where I should go to be diagnosed for this but it is been so hard finding a psychologist who is not fully booked in my area lately. Every day, I wake up from a (usually terrible) dream at 1-2pm and feel tired even though I have gotten 9-10 hours of sleep. I try everything, from meditation to daily exercise to journaling - but I always feel the same emptiness/loneliness whenever I am alone, especially at night. that is why I always end up sleeping past 3am because I cannot get myself to relax until then. I always get these intrusive thoughts of embarrassment from my past, and a ton of bad flashbacks. I rarely think back to good memories. I try to push myself to be productive every day but I feel more and more lethargic and fatigued every day. I go to the gym 5-6x a week and eat plenty of food (2500+ calories) but I always end up feeling a lack of energy (even with caffeine) and cannot focus on my goals. I also drink plenty of water. And worst of all, I feel like my memory has worsened to the point where I constantly forget the names of acquaintances, misplace my belongings, and my entire childhood has become a blur (my mother was an abusive narc for most of my life - which I believe contributed to this).Honestly, it feels like I self-sabotage myself so often. I get thrown back into hours upon hours on Youtube/Social Media to get that dopamine high that I usually never get otherwise. I try to stop but I always get sent back into a loop the next day. I just always feel sad and alone for some reason, even though I have plenty of friends. My mom was diagnosed with depression before and my sister is suffering from bipolar/personality disorder right now so I wonder if it is a genetic thing. Can any of you relate? I really do not want to take meds but I feel like this feeling is just going to get worse and it has made me isolate myself from a lot of friends. I do not know if I am depressed",Depression +12256,"So I know I am only young, hell I am virtually still a kid- I mean I am only 18 but like I spend a lot of my time thinking of when I was a kid: Watching Pokmon, Watching Youtubers I liked, Going outside with my friends, focusing on creativity- the little things y'know? And then I get extremely upset about it all because I miss those days- I never had any responsibility, I never had to worry about whether or not the next day I am going to be okay and I never had this deep rooted fear of getting old- of becoming a grumpy old man who people would not want to be around. I used to wake up early, and watch cartoons and be excited because the whole day was ahead of me. But like now I sleep for so long even when I am not tired because it takes me away from the reality of the situation. I used to be excited for birthdays and Christmases and Halloweens and all those holidays but now they are just a reminder that I am slowly, slowly getting old and that I am one year closer to the end of it all. I used to be super excited about being around people, got a little shy sometimes, but now I have a fear of talking to people- what if I mess up and cannot fix anything? What if they hate me? What if they look at me and only pity me? These are the thoughts that go through my mind- I wall myself off out of a lack of trust and actual fear of other people. I used to be so passionate about being alive but now I spend my days- in my room every single god damn second on my computer. I forgot to EAT DINNER today. I just forgot to until someone reminded me and I ate an apple. I used to be myself and love myself and look at myself and go 'Yeah you are okay' but now I criticize every aspect of myself- I hate the way I look, the way I talk, the work I create hell- one of my hobbies as a kid was writing short stories but now whenever I write them I think they are terrible and I show people and they say they are good and I do not know I just feel like they are lying to me. I used to be passionate about my hobbies: I used to like singing, books, all that but now I barely read or sing or any of that because I am afraid I am not good enough for no reason. I worry about the day everyone I love will die- that everyone I care about will be gone. I just want a day were I can be happy without worrying again. I just miss being a kid.",Depression +12257,Even making a phone call is difficult because I imagine how tedious the conversation will be. Everything is tedious and exhausting. I think about how difficult everything is and nothing gets done,Depression +12258,"I have a close friend who is going through a lot right now. We are both minors and he is hesitant about asking his parents to see a therapist, so he will vent to me occasionally. A lot of times it feels like I am always saying the wrong things in response, and a lot of the time he will start to vent then after a few minutes he will think that he is said enough and that he is bothering me by talking about his problems. I have actually been in therapy for a few months now, so he also stops talking because I have my own problems I need to deal with and he does not want to add on his ""stupid emotional baggage."" Most of the time I really do not mind if he vents, and I want to have an actual conversation with him where he does not stop responding after 3 minutes. I am glad that he at least starts to talk to me about things, I think that is better than nothing, but I do not really know how to address things or how to actually be of help. How can I support him? What should not I say or what should I say? What do I do? How can I help a friend who may have depression?",Depression +12259,"This year i finally sought out help and got my life back together, got a girlfriend, got a job, made some friends. Girlfriend cheated on me, i got sent death threats from the guy she hooked up with, saying that he caught feelings for her and i needed to back down or get killed. He told me to kill myself and then the next day told me he had bipolar disorder and that i needed to help him not kill himself. I now am weighed down by the man who took my girlfriend asking me to help him, as he talks about how much he loves her. I lost multiple friends and they just sort of ghosted me, i had a date tonight, but she cancelled and said she never really was interested in me. Everything is dark and whenever someone says you are just a kid, you have your whole life ahead of you i feel like yelling at them, because i just do not want to have to keep being mercilessly effed by life. my life has been rough but not as bad as others",Depression +12260,"Just shouting into the void. It seems no matter what I do I cannot seem to fix anything or make any progress. I hate living. Life sucks I am so tired of trying yet I am not trying anything at all. My heads all scrambled, I cannot stop for a second or else I begin to think of all the things I do not want to. I have said to myself way too many times ""I do not know how much longer I can take this."" I do not know if I am repeating myself I want to let some of this pain out but I am too scares to show weakness. Such a shitty feeling. Hope you all are doing well. If your feeling as shitty as me I want you to know at least we are in this together. we will make it through this. Stay strong. Life does not really ever seem to get better huh?",Suicidal +12261,"I do not want to do this. I am trying so hard. If someone could please keep me company, it would make all the difference Can someone keep me company. I am scared",Suicidal +12262,No one is on my side. Not even one person. I feel so alone and depressed. I just keep crying all the time and I am not eating or sleeping properly. did not even sleep a minute the past 2 days. I took a slight overdose of my pills and plan to take whatever I can find in the cupboards. I just want out of this shitty life. I am so done I want to kill myself because I am tired of no one being on my side,Suicidal +12263,"I am trans, so there is one reason for why I want to die. The other is that I got broken up with. Debating on relapsing with my cutting then hanging myself tonight or at least sometime soon. I know its just a dumb teenage relationship and I could get over it if I tried, but she is literally the reason I did not kill myself back in March. So without her I guess its better late than never. pathetic",Suicidal +12264,"Usually I am able to pinpoint why I feel like shit, but now idk Depressed and I am not sure why",Depression +12265,I thought things would have changed or developed by now I am depressed because my life is not going anywhere,Depression +12266,"While most of the world is moving on from COVID, half of my country is in lockdown. Once I found out that my state was going into lockdown, I cheered. My job causes my depression which in turn makes me almost unable to lead a happy, productive life:* I have not slept well for 3 years (since I started this job)* Would suffer from on-and-off insomnia* No energy to enjoy my hobbies* I would spend most of my post-work time in bed watching YouTube and napping* It took me 2 years to actually start working out (had a gym membership for almost 3 years before I went consistently)* The reason I have not even started university yet is purely because I am burnt out after work and can rarely muster up the energy to play a video game, let alone study (so basically I have not studied properly at all to get into university for 3 years)* I felt angry, depressed, anxious and almost inhuman everydayEver since lockdown started, I have woken up with a smile on my face, my depression is entirely gone, I finally have motivation to do productive things and most of all, I feel human again. I feel like I am almost being gaslighted when I see how many people view lockdown as a terrible thing.I am honestly hoping our lockdown gets extended because I simply do not want to go back to work; the reason I am depressed in the first place. Lockdown has made me the happiest I have been in as long as I can remember",Depression +12267,i worked up the courage to phone this place to help with resumes and i finally got a resume and I have made another appointment to help me with job search and it feels like such a big accomplishment i never thought i could of phoned the place but i tell my family like hey look I am looking for a job and they just ignore me and do not care i just want someone to be proud of me I am trying i really am i just need a hug and a great job I am happy for you :/,Depression +12268,"is this a symptom of depression? i stay in my room all day, i have for most of the week and all i want to do is sleep.",Depression +12269,"I try so hard to focus on myself and my well-being, yet its impossible. I can give the most motivational, inspirational speech to a person who needs help. But I cannot do anything close to that for myself. I care about other people so much more than myself. I put myself and my well-being as my last priority. Everyone, I mean everyone I know is a higher priority than myself. I just want to care and love myself burning does not seem to be a possibility. Has anyone found a way out of this hole? I cannot care about myself",Depression +12270,i do not want to live anymore i fucking hate myself. I am just such a bitch like idk I really just want to die right now idk anymore. I just deserve to die. I have done so many people wrong and just fucked up a lot of friendships and just fucking cannot anymore. All I am and ever will be is a burden to people like i cannot the only thing I just constantly think about is dying and idk i just give up. I am probably going to be gone soon who knows idk all i know is that i cannot handle this right now please just kill me,Suicidal +12271,"This last year has been horrible.My wife and I moved last year at the beginning of the pandemic with no clue how bad it was going to be. She had a job quick and I went months without one. Then I finally took a job with Walmart that taxed my body every day because we literally cannot work fast enough for what they want.My wife and I worked separate shifts. So now I do not see her anymore, and I have a terrible job that is keeping me in physical pain. I got depressed, who the fuck would not?So I withdrew, and at the same time so did she. We had our spats and then she came and asked permission to sleep with someone else. All the self assurance I had in my marriage that my life would EVENTUALLY be okay because I still had her disappeared (I said no).Then she cheated on me. Said that she did not have a companion anymore. I understand that. I cannot forgive her yet, but I understand. Same day I found out though, I find out my grandfather has cancer. I do not have many role models, he is one of them.he is gone now, and I almost left my wife for space away from her. I did not do it. I decided that my marriage was more important than her infidelity. That our relationship was worth being hurt over because we could fix it.Now she still wants to sleep with other people. I feel worthless. That my marriage is not worth anything because some stupid fantasy is more important.I have no friends here. I have some people I game with and some of them know what is going on. I have no family here. I have no couch to crash on when I am hurt.I am just so tired. I think about walking out in the middle of the road so that I am not killing myself so to speak. I will not because I will not fuck up someone else's life in my effort to stop breathing. I do however have a plethora of blood pressure pills because no matter how much weight I lose my blood pressure is still so high that doctors try to send me to the hospital.I am just so tired. I do not know how much more I can handle. I do not know how much longer I can do this. I am so tired",Suicidal +12272,"I hope this does not sound stupid. I have seen the same psychiatrist for 5 years, he is prescribed me meds and I talk to him every few months, nothing special. he is never really taken a big interest in my mental health, which I was fine with because as long as I got my medication I did not complain.But yesterday I went to see a new primary care doctor for a minor health problem. When I got there he went over all my medications with me and he actually also specializes in psychiatry. So instead of a quick visit about something minor, he ended up talking to me about my mental health for 2 hours and having me fill out a bunch of questionnaires. I did not expect to have to talk about my mental health at all with him, so I got super overwhelmed with all of it. He seems super genuine and really interested in helping make sure I am on the right medications and whatnot. He said we would go over all my answers in a follow up appointment next week.But because I was so anxious and emotional over it all, I lied on the questionnaires about some things (severity of my depression, some diet issues I have had, etc) and I feel like shit about it. I know that by lying about that stuff I am not doing myself any favors, especially when this doctor seems to actually want to help me out.Would it be weird to call and be honest about lying and ask if I can fill them out again? I do not want to seem like a crazy person, but I also do not want to lie and not get the treatment I need.Any suggestions are appreciated! Got overwhelmed with a new doctor and lied on some of the mental health questionnaires. Should I be honest about lying and ask to fill them out again?",Depression +12273,Not sure if Ill be able to take it Its getting harder and harder,Suicidal +12274,"I am always so mad because of people yelling at me and school is so stressfull and hard and i just feel like killing everything and feel like I am going insane and people say ""your only 13 enjoy life"" but i cannot it feels like I am trapped in a house all day and cannot do anything. always so mad and alone",Depression +12275,Bruh I am so tired of living I just want to die I cannot talk to my friends anymore because I am too much I am about to he evicted my roommate does not care about being civil to me I hate myself so much I am about to just offer up my cat to my friend and just go hang myself in the woods I am so fucking tired of living Tired of it all,Suicidal +12276,I feel like soon I can exit. I have had enough of everything. Nothing can make me happy ever again. Now I just have to write a couple of letters and then I can leave this shit world. I hope my helium will arrive fast. I wonder what others will do when I am gone.... I finally ordered helium,Suicidal +12277,Such a shame that opening up about how you are feeling can be a step to getting help that goes so wrong. Fuck. My mom just laughed at me when I asked for help,Suicidal +12278,"My mother in law just basically told me my fianc and I are financial burdens and were the reason they cannot save for their futures. Were eating (read: surviving) at their expense. If I die, that is one less mouth to feed, and they can also see for themselves how much this shit hurts. I cannot afford medical care for this (yee America), much less my own housing. I do not see why I should keep going at this point. I need to die",Suicidal +12279,"I just, I just want to be sensitive but I guess that is a negative thing all of a sudden. I cannot let out my anger or pain, I just have to fake a smile and act like everythings alright ; ( I hate how emotionless and cold some people are towards me",Suicidal +12280,When it comes to depression it seems like more often than not it affects the womans sex drive more than the men. Am I the only guy that has low sex drive when dealing with depression/anhedonia? A mans libido vs a womans libido?,Depression +12281,"So, I do not really feel like writing a big long post at the moment, and I think I saw someone else do this, so imma just do points rather than proper sentences and such.* i feel like a atrocious friend because I am never around for people as much as i used to be* and also i never know how to talk to my friends anymore* and not in like* a we do not share interests anymore way* i just cannot talk to them anymore because it just does not work* plus i also think I am trying really hard to improve myself* but it never really seems to make that much of a difference* and the second i start actually trying* its always too late* because by then rules have been put in place that make my effort useless anyways* plus i do not feel safe in my own room, which makes me feel kind of pathetic, because i should feel safe, because i have not even been through anything too bad, i have really great parents, they genuinely do not hurt me in any way shape or form* the only time I am not a bit on edge is like 4 in the morning when i know for a fact that everyone is asleep* but i cannot really have that anymore because i stayed up too late, messed up, and now i cannot stay up later than 11* and besides my sleep schedule was getting pretty bad so it was probably for the best* i do not even want to do the things that used to make me happy anymore* I am too tired for drawing, I am too tired for writing, I am too tired for minecraft, I am too tired to sing* and I am going to a therapist, and I am doing literally everything you are supposed to* I am being as honest as i can be* but something new always pops up halfway through the week* and there is always just looming anxiety* and it has not helped* like at all* and sometimes when I am too tired to even try talking to people* i just shut down* and read crappy fanfiction in my bed* for hours* and i do not get up until i have to eat* and it does not make me happy even I am honestly just so tired of everything and so close to just giving up on caring",Depression +12282,I feel bad whenever I have to cancel stuff and come up with a dumb excuse. Sometimes I am just so sad that the thought of interacting with someone makes me want to vomit. It makes me look like I do not value the person or Id rather be doing something else but its just that I need to be alone. Every once in a while Ill just admit that I really do not feel like interacting but they will either push me to do so until I accept or just worry about me. Ahh man it just sucks I really hate canceling things but I just cannot do it,Depression +12283,i have the pills i need and my wrist is bleeding so bad i do not think it will ever get better i do not know what else to do please I am really close to doing it,Suicidal +12284,"I would rather just not feel anything instead. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head but not when I am saying it out loud. Everyone is looking to be happy right? To be happy and find things that make you happy. I thought I wanted to be happy, turns out it is a scam lol. I do not want to be happy, I just want to spend the rest of my days thinking about how peaceful it must be when I am dead. I am scared of getting happy because I know I will spend the few days after feeling completely like crap.",Depression +12285,"And I have about reached mine. I have had it with this piece of shit life. I do not think I could ever kill myself, but I do not want to be here anymore. Make it stop. Everyone has their limits",Suicidal +12286,"I am trying to socialize more, I am trying to get to know more people my age. I tried to talk to this girl and I just mentioned that I wish I could get a hug and she just told me that she are not giving me one and that Ill have to ask my mother for that. I just feel so pathetic and useless, I just wanted to get my feelings out and be honest but I guess that just scares people away. I am ashamed of the fact that I am so needy of love and validation",Depression +12287,The world does nothing but crush souls and I cannot stand it... I cannot stand living in a world like this... I do not want anything sometimes but to just say goodbye to everything and die... there is so much suffering in the world in so many ways and all the people with the social status and resources to help fix it do not ever care much at all... I hate having to exist in this world... I need hope...,Suicidal +12288,"And I have about reached mine. I do not think I could ever take my own life, but I have had enough of this piece of shit life. Make it stop. Everyone has their limits",Suicidal +12289,"I have been feeling so depressed to the point where it feels like it has consumed me and my entire life. One big thing going on is this extreme feeling of drowsiness and slowness. It feels like my brain is just off all the time, as if I am a zombie. I cannot even do the simplest tasks without feeling super drained. I feel very lazy and lethargic. I am actually quite concerned for my health as well because I mostly just lay around all day in despair. I do not know what to do. For example, when I am with my friends it is so hard to laugh with them and stuff like that because I feel so down. Anyone else feel this way? If so what do you do in times like these to get yourself motivated to get out the house and actually do something? I feel like there is nothing in this world that can lift me back up. I feel like I cannot even be around friends or family anymore",Depression +12290,"I am 29. I finally had sex, or tried and i could not get hard. I think maybe I am too used to masturbation or out of shape or anxious or a million other things it could be.But it is bad enough that my first time will now always be this but now i cannot stop wondering if it is a fluke or a terminal problem. I would never judge another guy for having erectile dysfunction but for me...it is such a struggle to fight back the voices telling me I am worthless, now to add this on top of all that. I could not live with it.Not in an expressive way, i mean that factually. it is one thing too many, the straw that breaks the camel's back. I would been holding it all back and trying to make something of my pitiful life but if i cannot even be average in bed, if I am now that guy and...I cannot live like that, i cannot. I cannot be this shit at absolutely everything, i need something.I do not know what i expect here, if any response at all. I have looked into all the ED advice and falling down that whole rabbit hole of possiblities but i just need some support. How do i get past this? What if there is no getting past it? I have not been this close to suicide for over a year but...I wanted it to be good. For her sake at least. I cannot do anything, for anyone. I am less than nothing, I am broken. Lost My Virginity And My Will To Live",Suicidal +12291,"The only thing i cared about was my dog. Now it seems like I have failed him and he does not like me anymore. I have failed school despite so many people helping me and giving me second chances. I am so tired and numb. Cutting will not even relieve these emotions anymore. Its times like these where I just want to disappear. Seems like nothing is worth living anymore, why am i still here",Depression +12292,"Depression slowly started to become the first thought that hit me when I woke up, the thing that would tower over me like an inspector. It analysed and critiqued everything I did. I still suffer with it but its become easier to cope with. I have looked at all the peoples socials of whom I was friends with at the first sort of few days when I felt depression, and did not think much of what I felt. When I look at those socials, I think, those people have become strangers to me. Those once friendly faces have become the strangers that you walk past awkwardly and smile at. Those people that I once stopped from ending their life, have stopped the daily text, funny image, call, because they have met new friends that were emotionally available to give that excitement and care and I just was not capable of doing that. And now I have lost touch with some of the best friends I had and I have to walk past them with those thoughts flooding into my head.Just think, if I was not the way I was, I might still have those friends. Those friends might have saved me from a few of those killer nights where my mind would be numb from the entire planet- but I was not man enough to start the conversation about it. It makes me feel that I have just neglected everything around me. I mean heck, I almost lost my girlfriend because I was so anxious that Id crack under the pressure of the simple how are you?. I was so emotionally unavailable i was considering cutting it off for her sake- but I realised I loved her too much to do so. So I took action. I turned off socials notifications, I stopped checking my phone, asking to meet up with friends, and focusing on things I was capable of focusing on; my studies and my girlfriend. It sounds horrible, saying my gf came before the bros but the bros were already building bridges with other guys so I already felt like a scapegoat then. And now I see pictures of them with their new friends and I am happy for them but I am also bitter because if depression had not shot me in the chest so many times at the worst times, that new friend could have been me. And now I am here, with my girlfriend (who I am grateful for and love) and my studies. I do not have a single friend I can possibly say backs me, checks up on me, calls me when they realise I am suffering at my worst, and its just made me use the tactic of shutting down from the world while i sort my self out. And that shuts me out from the world even more. But I have never been able to do it any differently. My girlfriend is the only one that when I talk to, I can just forget about everything going on in my life and be myself but happier.I miss my bros because I should have invested time into them and now I am bullying myself about it.Does anyone get by in a similar way or is it just me that copes with it like this? (Btw I know shutting off is not the healthiest method but its the most efficient in terms of speed) I have realised over time I have neglected my friendships because of depression.",Depression +12293,"i tied a blanket around my neck and pulled it really tight but my head began pounding and it went on for over 10 seconds so i decided it was too long and loosened it. i did this again but same thing, head pounding and nausea. does this even count as one since i was pulling the blanket tight with both hands and if i did pass out, id probably just wake up again due to it loosening? does this count as a suicide attempt",Suicidal +12294,It is torture Staying alive for others is hard,Suicidal +12295,"In the last month everything I touched turned into shit. My girlfriend of two years left me for another guy, my car keeps breaking down, I saw my ex today, she told me how she still loves me but could not make it work anymore, after that I wanted to go on a ride on my motorcycle, to maybe feel a little less shit, but less than one km after leaving it is engine blew up (the funny thing is I study automotive engineering and I am a racecar mechanic. Everyone of my friends ask me to fix their shit, but mine still breaks without any prior signs). I was in a clinic for the last 4 weeks because of depression, got diagnosed with 3 different personality disorders, but they where like yeah you can go home now. I told them I am scared of being home alone in the flat I used to share with my ex, because I am possibly suicidal (creeping thoughts that get louder and louder every day), but they did not care and sent me home. I feel like I am a burden to all of my friends, which is why I am scarred to talk to them. I know ist not like that but still. I got a big problem with opening up to others and that feeling makes it even worse. I must sound like a broken record because I am telling the same shit for months now, but it keeps getting more and worse. I got no energy to get even one of my problems in order, but there are so many and the longer I do not fix them the worse they get. I am thinking about suicide every day in the last week's, but I will not do it. The scarry thing is, I do not know how long this will stay the truth. I just hate my life right now, I hate my self in general and honestly I kind of lost hope. I just think the world is a horrible place to be. I will not commit suicide tonight or anytime soon, but I am scared of my own thoughts and as I said they geht louder by the minute... My life seems to hate me",Suicidal +12296,"I do not understand why I am so ugly, I could have been born at least somewhat attractive.. have something somewhat decent about me! but no, I had to turn out the way I did.. every morning I wake up and have to live with the constant reminder that nobody and nothing will ever want me. That something In my genetics had to go so wrong that I ended up looking like this, I could not have been given 1 decent thing about me.. I just had to turn out the way I did, my eyes are far-apart, my nose is fucking huge, my lips are not even, my cheeks are fat, my body is gross.. and my voice makes me sound like a 12 year old at 15 years old.I have tried so hard to be happy with myself, to convince myself that there is a small chance somebody of the opposite sex will find me average, or that If someone gets to know me I would be just as good as someone 20 league's ahead of. but every time I do, I just end up looking in the mirror and remind myself how bullshit that bullshit is. what makes it even worse is all the fucking bullshit I hear when I mention this to anybody. ""oh do not worry! your looks do not matter! it is your personality that matters!"". ""you are not that bad! you are just getting in your own head!"". ""You think too much! I think you just need some more self-confidence.""... Fuck you, I am tired of hearing all the same bullshit. every morning when I see my reflection, I notice something wrong about me, and all I want to do when I do is blow my fucking head off. there is nothing attractive about me whatsoever.. (TW)",Suicidal +12297,"I am constantly suffering and in pain, I just want it to end. I plan on saving up money sometime for a shotgun and shooting myself in the middle of a forest somewhere far from here. I just want to feel okay again but I am beginning to think I was just made to die. Planning",Suicidal +12298,I should just kill myself now. Thanks a lot to those who just abandoned me. I am going to kill myself right now. I am telling all those who abandoned me that I am going to kill myself because of them. I seriously want to kill myself because this one person quit talking to me. Why does everyone end up not really liking me? Why am I always a second option? I want to die because everyone just abandons me,Suicidal +12299,"I am done. Why is it so hard to take your life? I have no joy in anything or anyone. My lovers see me as a fucking joke. And I am just pawn to my parents. I am never happy anymore, and I all I do is think awful fucking things. Id be dead now if o was not such a fucking pussy. Why?",Depression +12300,"So...HI I am Emma a young trans woman from germany. I am 18 years old and I do not know if i even want to live anymore. A lithle bit of backstory: I growed up in a small catholic village in the middle of nowhare. In school I had big social issues and was just a loner and I was pritty depressed. After school I just got home and watched TV the rest of the day or playd on console and I basicly wasted my whole childhood alone and depressed. My (family) just neclected me and left me alone. Later after I finished school I was just a mental wreck with absolutly no social skills. I dident realy know what to do so I did a BVB that is something like a bridge year to get you ready to learn a job. Around that time a lot of things cleared up in my mind. I aknowledegd that I am trans but still dident do mutch about it beciuse I know that my family would hate me even more and I should wait till i can move out. I lost around 20kg ( I was obese) and actually had social interaction in the BVB i actually made friends i guess. Then the second wafe of corona hit and the BVB stopped vor over six months and we just got some stuff to do per E-Mail. I was stuck at home whit my Family that i do not talk with and I lost contact with the persons I met. I sunk into a deep depression and the Dysphoria ( Stuff that i hate about myself becouse of gender related stuff) just got whorse and I just wanted to end my stupid useless live. I dident self harm myself I wanted to die whitout pain. I dident have acess to medication so I just wanted to cutt my wrist and blead out.... Sometimes I sat there houres whit a fucking kitchen knive in my hand but diden had the guts to just do it. I do not know if its good or bad that I dident do it. My existance just sucked. I kind of opend up about my mum that live is hell for me and i asked her if i could see a terapist, surprisingly she was okay with that. I got to a terapist and kind of tould her everything... Becouse I tould her that i was suecidial i got put into a psychosomatic facility that I stayd for two months. They kind of saved my live in a view ways to be honest. It was the first time in my live that everything seems to be okay. I turned 18 during my stay there. I am now kind of mentaly stable again. They helped ne to get back in kontakt whit my dad. (My parents divorced when I was 3.) and I moved to him directly after I got relesed. That was two weeks ago. My family cut contact with me becouse I moved to there ""enemy"" and I do not realy care tbh. I am proberbly going to do something like a BVB again now and I am proberbly seeking ambulant terapy so i can figure myself out and actually start HRT. I still have a lot of anxiety. But I can at least go shopping and can talk to strangers. The mascs actually realy help! I just have a lot of fear for my future and coud just need some advise. To be honest I do not realy know abaut what. I just feel lost. And I know that so many people got it so mutch whorse but I guess my live has at least some importance at least to me.I hope that what i wrode made at least some sence and I am sorry if my grammer is bad. And just thank you kind strangers from reddit i wish all of you a beautiful night/day! I guess I could use some advice on what i should do with my live.",Suicidal +12301,"Tuition and rent due, no money, graduating soon with nothing lined up, the only person I want to talk to ignores me and I am a terrible person because I obsessively stalk their location to know that they are ignoring me. When they talk to me it feels like they are only doing it bc I am going insane. And then I hate them. Even if I had a job lined up and were surrounded by friends I still find life incredibly boring. I do not want to fucking be here anymore I want to die",Suicidal +12302,"I have been searching for over a year now, after being laid off. I have job, but its mind numbing and truly makes me want to die. I miss my career, I miss being happy, I miss enjoying what I do. I barely make enough to survive. I cannot afford my dog, so he lives with my parents. I only see him like, twice a year because I live halfway across the country. Literally everything in my life would be better if I could just find this goddamn job. I cannot find a job, and I just want someone to take me out at this point.",Depression +12303,"This is not a cry for attention, I am simply done. I need to know the best way before I pick a less favorable option. I do not want to hear do not do it, it is happening. Online does not give me answers, I am leaning towards shotgun or hanging. I am just worried about the cleanup w a gun. Man...",Suicidal +12304,"So...HI I am Emma a young trans woman from germany. I am 18 years old and I do not know if i even want to live anymore. A lithle bit of backstory: I growed up in a small catholic village in the middle of nowhare. In school I had big social issues and was just a loner and I was pritty depressed. After school I just got home and watched TV the rest of the day or playd on console and I basicly wasted my whole childhood alone and depressed. My (family) just neclected me and left me alone. Later after I finished school I was just a mental wreck with absolutly no social skills. I dident realy know what to do so I did a BVB that is something like a bridge year to get you ready to learn a job. Around that time a lot of things cleared up in my mind. I aknowledegd that I am trans but still dident do mutch about it beciuse I know that my family would hate me even more and I should wait till i can move out. I lost around 20kg ( I was obese) and actually had social interaction in the BVB i actually made friends i guess. Then the second wafe of corona hit and the BVB stopped vor over six months and we just got some stuff to do per E-Mail. I was stuck at home whit my Family that i do not talk with and I lost contact with the persons I met. I sunk into a deep depression and the Dysphoria ( Stuff that i hate about myself becouse of gender related stuff) just got whorse and I just wanted to end my stupid useless live. I dident self harm myself I wanted to die whitout pain. I dident have acess to medication so I just wanted to cutt my wrist and blead out.... Sometimes I sat there houres whit a fucking kitchen knive in my hand but diden had the guts to just do it. I do not know if its good or bad that I dident do it. My existance just sucked. I kind of opend up about my mum that live is hell for me and i asked her if i could see a terapist, surprisingly she was okay with that. I got to a terapist and kind of tould her everything... Becouse I tould her that i was suecidial i got put into a psychosomatic facility that I stayd for two months. They kind of saved my live in a view ways to be honest. It was the first time in my live that everything seems to be okay. I turned 18 during my stay there. I am now kind of mentaly stable again. They helped ne to get back in kontakt whit my dad. (My parents divorced when I was 3.) and I moved to him directly after I got relesed. That was two weeks ago. My family cut contact with me becouse I moved to there ""enemy"" and I do not realy care tbh. I am proberbly going to do something like a BVB again now and I am proberbly seeking ambulant terapy so i can figure myself out and actually start HRT. I still have a lot of anxiety. But I can at least go shopping and can talk to strangers. The mascs actually realy help! I just have a lot of fear for my future and coud just need some advise. To be honest I do not realy know abaut what. I just feel lost. And I know that so many people got it so mutch whorse but I guess my live has at least some importance at least to me.I hope that what i wrode made at least some sence and I am sorry if my grammer is bad. And just thank you kind strangers from reddit i wish all of you a beautiful night/day! I guess I could use some advice on what i should do with my live.",Depression +12305,"Several months ago I went through a terrible breakup of a 4-1/2 year relationship. I lost the person that knew more about me than anyone - including my parents. I had to move back in with them, and it was rough. For a few months we tried taking a ""break,"" where I was not allowed to contact her unless it was something we both planned. Right off the bat, she told me that she just wanted to break up but was also curious to see where things went.&#x200B;After two months of listening to all of the fun she was having without me, and her starting to find excuses to back out of everything, I decided it was time to end it. Regretfully it was over the phone, but I do not know if I had a choice because she would agree to meet and back out at the last minute.&#x200B;I was suicidal for a long time after that. Like not eating for several days at a time, looking for any websites with information about how to commit suicide, and even going places to get supplies. I lost about 20 lbs in just over a month because of this. I constantly reminded myself of everything that my ex told me was wrong with me and every mistake I made in the relationship. This was the person who knew me the best, and they thought so terribly of me, so I took it to mean that was who I am.&#x200B;I started going on long, aimless drive to get out and try to find something. Several times I ended up in the city my ex and I had lived in. Our lease did not end for another month, so I stopped by the apartment once after she said she had moved. My head was thinking of all the good memories I had with her there and told me to go, so I did. But actually being there was completely different. She still had random items all over the apartment, and she still had a few of her collages there, but all of my pictures were removed. A letter that I wrote to her shortly after the breakup was laying in a pile of junk mail on the couch.&#x200B;After seeing all of this, I made my first suicide attempt. I tried hanging myself, but I stopped because that shit's uncomfortable. I tried calling a few friends, but they were busy and could not talk. I did not know what to do, so I just drove back to my parent's and locked myself in my room.&#x200B;I decided I might as well do everything that I can to find something in life, so I started traveling. I did a family vacation that went terribly because everything's uncomfortable around my parents now. I visited a few friends, and that was a really good time. I honestly felt great for the first time in a long while.&#x200B;After about a month of that, I found a new apartment in the city where my ex and I lived because I am still going to school there. It was really difficult at first to be here and see all of the places we would go just a few months ago, but that slowly wore off and now it is just mildly difficult. First week I am here, I see my ex pulling into the same parking lot that I am leaving. I decide to go visit a friend to get out of town, and end up running into her mom. Then, two weeks later, I saw her going out with the guy that she said was just a school friend.&#x200B;I was feeling great and not thinking much about suicide, but now it is starting to come back. I have thought about it almost everyday this week. I think about jumping into traffic when I am on a walk, driving my car into the river on my way home, giving myself alcohol poisoning, or just starving myself. But I just do not know anymore. I feel like I have this drive to just keep going and meet someone else and live a dream life, but at the same time I know I am not hard working, smart, or wealthy enough to get any of those dreams. I feel like it would create too much drama, too.&#x200B;Thanks for reading this. I am sorry for how long and rambling it is; I just needed to vent. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +12306,when will it end oh my god i cannot do it idk how much longer i can take this,Suicidal +12307,"For reasons I cannot explain because It will get my Reddit account banned I just want to hurt myself, people say do not do it but its a perfectly fine coping mechanism for me, nothing else works so why cannot I punch myself I just want to hurt myself",Depression +12308,"Things have already been shitty for the past few months. I tried to keep my friendship with someone who I felt like I was growing apart from, but then kept getting all clingy and annoying (because I was afraid I was losing him). Well a couple nights ago I decided to clarify something through text. The next morning (yesterday) he only said one thing to me but did not say anything to me for the rest of the day. Today he did not say a word to me. So I guess I lost him. I am just so sad and upset because I miss our friendship. I miss it so much and now its gone. On the bright side I at least have my other coworker who I have been chilling with on the tailgate of his truck during our breaks. We talk about random shit and I just feel so much better, until I get back inside. Were both down about work so we just go outside and vent until we have to go back inside. I am always looking forward to it. I know there will be some days where well have different breaks and one day when were both going to be gone, so I am just enjoying it while it lasts because it seems like every good thing gets taken away from me. But on top of my depression, I decided it would be cool to hurt myself even more and see what my hs crush is up to. It seems as though hes been getting serious with someone and I am happy for him but my hormones have been out of control (my insurance does not cover my birth control anymore, and I use it to regulate my periods, so its been fucking me up) so I am extremely sensitive to EVERYTHING. My crush is not even my main focus right now. He always is and that is what occupies my mind lol but I saw something innocent that made my stomach sink and it was not even that serious. Here is the [link]( that summarizes it for reference. I also mentioned that I am considering seeing a therapist. I have been looking on and off because my insurance is shit and most of them do not even take my insurance. I am planning on maybe hiking myself this weekend and going to an amusement park with my friend next weekend. I know I need to get out there I feel better when I do. Work depresses me and it does not help when someone you needed the most is not there for you. Again, I have my other coworker who I can count on. He always cheers me up. But I am just sad every time I go to work and see coworker 1. I really miss our friendship. Blah",Depression +12309,"Original comment was in French. Shitty translation by me.The problem would first come from people that would be manipulated, and that would go kill themselves because of the pressure coming from an evil-minded entourage. Then, things always end up getting better, and a suicidal person by definition cannot realise that, giving an easy way for someone to kill themselves would necessarily increase suicide rates. Suicide is not a right, it is a selfish act whose consequences are dramatic for the victim's entire entourage, but not for the victim themselves. I have never heard about a suicide that would have made anyone happy, even for the victim, woe will always be better than nothingness.Woe will always be better than nothingness. I cannot explain how those words are straight up cruel. People want you to suffer rather than not existing. Those words are going to stick with me for the longest time. An unwelcome haunting.This is a sick world we live in. I wonder what impact this piece of shit was thinking his bullshit would have on me and other suicidal people. How can you tell that to someone suffering? How insane, how cruel do you have to be?Who are truly the selfish ones? WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?But this is only a reflection, a foretaste of our entire society. I could never again bring myself to believe, even one second, in anyone's goodwill. Humanity is devoid of such thing. It is only cold and hostile. This is something someone replied to me as I was ranting about how suicide should be a right. This is why we can never talk about our struggles. This is why we can only withdraw into ourselves and die in a hidden corner, like agonising cats.",Suicidal +12310,I am done with life goodbye fuck it,Suicidal +12311,"to stop my suicidal thoughts i look at gore pics and videos to help me somewhat value my life more and also fear death and pain. but right now its not working because my hatred of my own body is stronger than my fear of death. i really hate my face i wish i looked like someone else. i hate how clothes look on me, i hate the shape of my body i feel disgusting. my boobs are small and i do not have a big ass. I am not happy about anything. i will never see myself beautiful i will never be petite and ultra feminine. i already had a nose job and i still look ugly and masculine. like at this point i should kill myself I have already suffered so much in this body what do i do",Suicidal +12312,"I am apparently a terrible person for joking about my depression as a coping mechanism. People constantly say ""eND tHe sTIgMa"" but the moment you say anything regarding your mental health or the experience you had with it you are ""quirky/romanticizing it/faking it"" etc.People gatekeep depression like its some kind of vip club and the fact that that is a thing might actually give me the courage to end it. Why does this have to be my coping mechanism",Suicidal +12313,"The past year has taken away everything from me, my relationship, my trust, my friends, my self worth, my mental health, all that was left was my cat and now she is gone too. I just want to feel a connection with someone again because the next time I have a wave of strong suicidal thoughts there is nothing left to stop me. For the love of god someone show me that I have any sort of worth",Suicidal +12314,"i fantasize about it constantly. i can feel it in my fingers and belly and chest, how badly i want to do it. i have destroyed my own life. i am a tyrant and monster in the lives of others. i feel no connection to anyone or anything. i just autopilot through life, get flat on my ass drunk every night and take sleeping meds to knock myself out after i get home from my useless job. i hate my husband and he hates me. every therapist I have seen says they cannot help me, that i need to go to inpatient care. but i cannot go to fucking inpatient care again because i have to keep working my piece of shit job to pay my half of the mortgage on my fucking house so that i have somewhere warm to drink myself to death. my husband cannot afford it without me and we just bought it so we cannot sell our way out of it. so even though it might not be today, i know that someday i will die by suicide and i cannot fucking wait for that day to come. i know ill die by suicide, even if not today",Suicidal +12315,"I am at his place and totally forgot about his air rifle. For a long time, i have been telling myself i would have done it by now if i had a gun. well shit now i do, except kind of? I am pussying out like a bitch, because its air not powder and it shoots puny handmade steel balls, or well they look more like a mini slug, fact is they are tiny, i would say like 3-4mm in diameter so i think i would just embarass myself, plus the muzzle tastes like fucking tetanusfor fucks sake its literally in my mouth my dreams are one single slight pull away and now of course i just feel nothingactual fucking retard monkey brainnothing more frustrating than thisi do not have the balls for this anyway because I am not a man I am a losergoodnight Rediscovered grandpas air rifle.",Suicidal +12316,"This is my first ever time on reddit and I think I am making this just because I want to vent. I want someone, anyone, to know how badly I am hurting. I am 26/F, single, unattractive, obese, absolutely 0 friends and I live at home with my parents. I basically exist to clean up after my family and their 6 dogs. I dropped out of highschool at 16 (2011) after we moved from one state to another. I developed crippling anxiety from having to start a new highschool after growing up all my life in one town with the same kids. I would leave class to cry in the bathroom, and eventually I just could not even make it to the school without breaking down. I started feeling suicidal in 2012. I feel like I am stunted emotionally/mentally if that makes sense? I forget how old I am, I still feel like I am a teenager sometimes and then I get hit with reality. I am going to be 30 soon. I have had a few jobs but mostly I am holed up in my room, for 10 years its been this way. I ran away with an older man at 18 as well which was extremely traumatizing. Looking back I realize how creepy it was that he pursued me at his age, and basically coerced me into leaving with him. Of course I made my own decision but I was also untreated for my mental illness and I was so young so I feel like he knew he could easily get me to do what he wanted.So I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for 10 years but in recent months its gotten worse. During bad episodes of depression I will hit myself in the arms and I have started cutting my legs with some scissors. The urge to harm myself is so overwhelming, its difficult to explain. I do not know why but the marks left behind by the cuts are more comforting than punching myself and leaving nothing to show for my pain. I have a psychiatrist who gives me meds for anxiety, which I am grateful for because they did help for a while, but I have not told her about my severe depression, self harm, or suicidal thoughts. I know she will suggest therapy but I have never ever told anyone any of this that I am typing now. The thought of sitting down and spilling my guts to someone is really intimidating and I do not know if I am ready to do that. I am part of a traditional community (and I will leave it at that), and it is been my dream to fall in love, start a family and just live a simple life with a loving husband. But I have come to realize that I will never be the type of woman that these men want. I am trying to lose weight but my skin will still be saggy and marked from my obesity. I have dental issues I am insecure about and want to fix. Of course there is my mental health that is a huge burden on my own life, but the biggest hindrance is my age. In this particular community, men make it very clear that 30 yr old women are basically unwanted, at worst, entirely worthless. Like as soon as we turn 30 we turn into prince phillip or something. Even 30yo men are looking for 20 yr olds to marry so they can have as many children as possible. The last guy I was speaking to kept saying that I ""only have few more years to bear children"". Even if I lose weight, fix my smile, all that, I will still be ""getting old"". Maybe all of these things sound trivial but i genuinely feel like I am disgusting and worthless and there is no hope for me. I even left my social media because it was so heartbreaking to see these beautiful young women getting married and starting families and basically living the life I dream of but will probably never see. I guess I am jealous, but not in a mean way. I am genuinely happy for all of these ladies, I just could not bear to see it anymore. I felt like it was making my depression worse.I have a faith but I have not been practicing or even thinking of God at all. I have a potential job lined up for me but it does not make me feel better. I will have money but I do not really care about it or material items. there is nothing I really want to do, or anything I want that money could buy. I have no plans except make it day to day. just another suicidal person",Suicidal +12317,"I did not know my genetic condition was inheritable. Everyone told me it was a rare, recessive syndrome. They were wrong, its X dominant. It manifests in each case in a variety of ways. My presentation is mild, theirs is worse. Now their lives and mine is just one big string of specialist appointments.I know what comes next, bullying, self esteem issues, invasive surgeries.If Id known I was going to do this to them I never would have tried to get pregnant. Once they are old enough to understand why they have to do these things they will hate me.I am a good carer but I am a bad mother because I do not really look at them as kids, just a bunch of symptoms to treat, or to monitor for changes or whatever.One of their medications is lethal if taken in large enough doses. If I can figure out a good enough support system for them, I am going to take it. I am alive for my kids. I wish Id never had them.",Suicidal +12318,"Its one of my moms brothers wedding, and I never wanted to go. Been treated like shit the entire time, been left to the wayside, they have some bleach in their cabinet (below the sink) should I just get it, run off and make sure nobody sees me? Should I just kill myself so I do not have to feel like shit all day tomorrow",Suicidal +12319,"I just, I cannot. I cannot live anymore in pain. The girl I want does want me back and that hurts, not so much because she does not love e back but I feel like none ever I would be loved by a girl for what I am. I just need a girl to give me, some attention, some courage to help this life. I just do not have courage to continue my life. I just see only an end Hope someone to see that",Suicidal +12320,I have to find some way to kill myself before September 15th. The results for my final exams to see if I can graduate are coming out that day. I need to die before that day. I need to. September 15th,Suicidal +12321,"What else am i supposed to do? I am done i do not want to speak anymore i do not want to write my shit down anymore and i do not want to think anymore.I am 17 and done i have seen everything there is to see in life i have felt everything and experienced everything.The only thing left is death, the last kind of pain i have not experienced.And tbh i think its time, waiting is no more, waiting is a lie.My fingers going to meet the trigger and my brain the bullet.I layed put plastic sheets everywhere, so its going to be a quick clean up for who ever needs to clean this.do not even have anyone to say goodbye to, pathetic. There is nothing to say",Suicidal +12322,"need to have a Near Death Experience to snap me out of this depressive fog I have been in for nearly two years now. My life is without hardship and I have no reason to feel the way that I do, and I believe that waking up in an ambulance/hospital bed will shock me enough to wake me up from this. What is the best way to do this? I do not plan on dying, as it would leave everything so, so much worse for everyone else, worse than anything else I could ever do. I have access to ADHD medication and fluoxetine. I am financially stable enough that a hospital visit will not put my family in financial danger. Should I OD on my medication, write down the time and dose I take, wait 15 or so minutes, then tell my parents to call 911? Is there a better option?I know there are people that care about me. I know how to find suicide help lines. Please, do not try to talk me out of this. I just need advice so I do not do something irreversible and make myself unsaveable. Planning an NDE. Need advice.",Depression +12323,"I left a mildly suicidal message on a dyslexia website , someone contacted the police to do a welfare check on me . What i do not understand is how they got my address ? I never left any info on the website , maybe my first and last name I do not recall that Though . They arrived had a brief chat and I assured them I was fine , I am , apart from feeling suicidal my entire life , but have never tried , more just fantasied about the peace of not living . How did the police find me ? This is in the you.K. , my flat mate thought they were coming to arrest me logically but how did they track me down ? I mean its pretty impressive and unnerving at the same time . The police turned up at my door",Suicidal +12324,"I have died 1000 times. And yet I still wake up everyday I am good at putting on the mask, pretending to be okay. 7 days a week, 12 hours a day I am usually a happy guy. I know I fool most, anyways. Then the night comes, and with it solitude. I do not have to worry about worrying my loved ones or upsetting them.I can tear myself apart, piece by piece. I hate myself. I hate my face, i hate my body(I am working out, trying to change), I hate my personality.I hate how I make my friends feel. I used to be able to make them laugh, but now I am not funny. No one believes a word I say, and I do not blame them. I am a liar because I am to afraid to be hated or not accepted.I wish for death to take me every hour, an opportunity to sacrifice myself for good. I try to make changes, but they never seem good enough. They are not acknowledged. Not by me or those I love.Every night I die, and every morning I wake up disappointed that I did.Thanks for reading. Needed to get this out, the mask is starting to slip. Stay strong guys and gals An interesting title",Suicidal +12325,"I have planned everything, tested out some stuff to see if it could work, but I am actually scared to do it. I have decided that I will not tell my long distance boyfriend about it, I will break up with him so that he will not feel guilty. Same with my online friend, I am just going to block him...I know it sounds bad, but it is going to be easier to forget me that way. I just cannot seem to do it though...I do not want to die alone while they think I am just an asshole and I am scared it will hurt a lot and I really do not want to end up in a mental hospital. That would be worse than dying, it would be fucking hell for me... I am scared to do it",Suicidal +12326,"I am tired of living life everyday I have no motivation to do anything and lost all pleasure doing things I use to love. My whole life is fucked up. I graduated from college with a biology degree lived a shitty life after college were I was not getting paid shit, was in a toxic relationship and had a major weed addiction, which actually made me happy. I finally turned my life around a commissioned in the army which is where my life got even worse. I ended up meeting a girl and moving here to fort hood with her son to live in my new house. She fucked my entire life up and caused me to commit a felony involving prostitution. This has lead to me getting separated from the army. I lost all my friends, I am broke and in massive debt. I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I see no more value in life anymore. I let everyone I know down and most importantly fucked up the one opportunity to escape and be successful. I wish to die. I have though about it so many different times and think now is the time to go through with it. I wanted to raise a family but what is the point in bringing someone into this corrupt world. I have seeked mental health help and medication but its all bullshit. They really do not care about you at the end of the day and I am back to where I started if not worse. I just see know point in living anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I feel trapped. Please wish the best of luck for me and do not be as weak minded as me and make the same decision as me. Fuck Life",Suicidal +12327,"I have no goals. I am just going with the flow. I have bad anxiety whenever I am about to go to work. Sometimes when I am walking to work, I just want to jump in the highway and get hit so I do not have to worry about paying bills anymore and working a tiring job. I do not understand why people want to bring life into this world. You are born, go to school for 12 years or more, graduate and work until you die. what is so great about that? I know life is what you make it but that is just the main things in life. you are a slave. You work for what you need. A roof over your head, food, electric, and water. We are all one pay check away from being homeless. it is so stressful out here. it is such an exhausting life. I just want to die and not deal with it anymore. Working more than 40 hours a week is to tiring. So tired.",Suicidal +12328,bye just overdosed on my meds,Suicidal +12329,constantly exhausted yet constantly awake at night. constantly needing change yet constantly scared of change.i want to sleep amidst the constant misery until its all over. until i feel better. until everything that is horrible is good. until i no longer want to sleep this all away till I am no longer so fucking depressed. i want to sleep this all away till I am no longer so fucking depressed,Depression +12330,"Always try and I never can, the thought of being in pain stops me. Please, somebody, just make me want to do it. cannot do it, need help.",Suicidal +12331,"I thought if I did something right Ill be okay. I am the only one to go to college in my family and I went for art. I love art. Since day one. I probably applied to at least 150 professional jobs since graduating. A friend applied with me, she went to USC. she will get calls back, i would not. I went to a state school. I quickly realized how professional art jobs are classist exclusive clubs that no one like me can ever get into. Okay, I gave up and moved on to something else I really want to do that will make me happier. Tattooing. Denial after denial of finding an apprenticeship, I have come to the conclusion that I am a bad artist and people who follow me just pity me. Its real cute I keep trying. I am so tired of condescending talks from people because I am a small quiet black girl they think I am as dumb as a brick wall. They do not even bother to remember my name. Ill go somewhere with my white boyfriend once, and they will remember his and they will not even look at me. Its humiliating. I do not have any friends. I cannot even get a full time job fucking being a Walmart greeter if I tried. I see millennials my age in the luxury apartment buildings my bfs parents live in and I want to shoot myself because I cannot afford to live in a shack. My best friend from college killed herself in 2019 and I understand the toll it takes on her loved ones. Her mom sold her businesss bc she could not even walk into it anymore. Still I feel like I was born to do this to myself. God said let us make her female, black and with a deadbeat dad who got my tattooed named covered up, crippling anxiety that has given her medical debt she cannot pay off, and 5 years wasted for a degree she cannot use. I genuinely think my mom would understand if I do it. Everyone can see I am a loser. I do not have to write a note. I am so embarrassed that I keep trying, I can not do this.",Suicidal +12332,"it is all I ever do. My dreams are the only place I find solace. I just sleep all the time. I cannot get myself to do anything else. If I was not still living with my grandparents I would probably be rotting on a street somewhere. But I feel like something inside of me does not mind that. I just want to go off somewhere and die, I do not want a funeral or to be mourned. Just eternal rest. Hopefully darkness, any type of existence seems awfully vain to me, eternal happiness or suffering. I wonder if I actually did enjoy living would I have the drive to, do something I guess? Like work, go to school, better my life? Would that piece come to me or would I just dreg along as I do now. it is really getting tough, I am tired of feeling obligated to live. Laying in bed, surprised?",Suicidal +12333,"I do not even know if this is the right place to post this but does it ever frustrate you how free some people are. Maybe frustrate is not even the right word, it is more like this kind of dumb envy.People can read certain kinds of books; watch certain kinds of shows and movies; they can go to certain places; have conversations about certain topics; make jokes about certain things. I feel so.. restricted. Just to protect/ stop myself from doing something stupid, there is so little that I can do. I do not even know. I just sometimes wish I had more freedom. Freedom",Depression +12334,I do not want to die as I am aware of what that will do to those unfortunate enough to care about me. I wish i could be removed as though i was not here and spare them the pain of me being gone the normal way and spared having to deal with my continued existence as a strain on their lives. At this point i realised as much i do not care about myself and lack the feeling i care for them suffering as a result of me but all these years have proven i cannot make that small part of me strong enough to change things for the better as even getting out of bed each day is an accomplishment. I wish i could be phased out.,Depression +12335,"I can be relatively happy and just kind of getting better. One bad thing happens it can be relatively minuscule and I am cutting and writing my suicide note. I cannot handle the mood swings because I barley survive them. I am on medication for depression and ocd, but it does not seem to help. Its a high of happiness and then an insane sadness and depression in an instant. Does anyone else deal with this. It makes my life unlivable the people around me do not know. I do not feel like explaining. I have been called dramatic before but I legitimately attempt suicide every time. I do not tell anyone and I am miserable being alive. Has anyone been put on a medication that can help this?. Need recommendations. Want to try everything because when I am not in the insane lows I am still sad but not suicidal like I am when I hit these insane periods. Insane mood swings",Depression +12336,"I hate everything around me, I do not know if anyone else feels it, but I feel contempt for everything, everything tastes bitter to me. The only thing I can still stand to do besides Basic needs is to play and sing, otherwise I want to blow everything up. my fear is of become a sociopath and do something stupid, so I know I have to kill myself before this happens. A great contempt for the world and for life",Suicidal +12337,"I am 13 and I have done some really bad things in my life and all this guilt is so suffocating, I do not know what to do, after that horrible decision I made back in April, I cannot stop thinking about how much I deserve to die. I wish I could have been normal, I wish i did normal things. To start at the beginning, I was around 8 maybe younger. I would always hang out with a kid in my neighborhood and they taught me about things like porn and I definitely should not have learnt at that age but since than until like June, I used to be obsessed about watching that stuff and I would watch different kinds, I do not think I need to explain anymore. But I guess watching about one type influenced me and I got curious so I did something absolutely disgusting, I made my dog lick me in the inappropriate place and that happened once more but that is all, I never did it again because I knew it was bad and I felt so ashamed and disgusted with myself. When I was 11 I did try to attempt something like that, and I forgive myself for that because it did not actually happen unlike it did back in April, I cannot forgive myself for this. I am so disgusting. Even though I did other horrible things, this might be the wrost and I cannot forgive myself. I do not deserve to be loved or even be happy. So many good things are happening in my life and I do not deserve any of it, I deserve to die in the most painful way. Everyone would be so disappointed in me and now I am even more scared about what will happen in the afterlife for me if there is one. If I am being honest, I just want to stab myself like millions of times out of hatred and disgust. All I am is a disgusting rapist. I have no reason to live anymore, I should have lived my life better. I am a horrible and a disgusting person.",Suicidal +12338,"I have had severe depression in the past and I am currently on antidepressants too. I also have a lot of reasons as to why I would be depressed (breakup, death of a pet, trouble at home etc.) but I just feel strangely... apathetic? I have all the other symptoms of depression like tiredness, loss of apatite, loss of interest, scatter minded....I just feel like I have lost a part of me. The part that wants to make the world a better place, the part that fights for what it what is, the part that cannot wait to change the world.Food disgusts me, and I am constantly tired. Not too tired to get through the day, but too tired to do the things I love.So basically, I have all my usual symptoms of depression, but I am just not sad. I am still moving forward with my life, I am taking steps for my future. I have even taken up dating again. I do not get knocked down as hard anymore when something happens, I get sad for a while but then I still manage to get back up again. But I feel so... toned down. I do not feel like me anymore. it is a strange feeling and I cannot quite put my finger on what it is or why it is. I think I am depressed, but I just do not feel sad?",Depression +12339,"I know it is a dangerous question, but I am curious. Have you met anyone who actually recovered from chronic depression?",Depression +12340,"I have been struggling for a while and I am not sure how to cope anymore. I cannot make my wife happy, I am in a job I hate and I cannot quit because we cannot afford for me to. My mum is dying on the other side of the planet and I have not been able to see her in 5 years. I do not know what to do any more. I think I might need a little help.",Depression +12341,"Every time. Every fucking time. When I see my psychiatrist once a month and he asks me ""Any suicidal thoughts"" I lie through my teeth and have to bite on my back teeth hard as I gulp. I always take a sharp inhale afterwards, and he just sighs man. He knows. He fucking knows. And he gives me this look man, like, ""Why are you even here? Do you even want to get better?"" Shit's getting old man I have to fight the urge to laugh",Suicidal +12342,I am so close to ending it. i have horrible parents and my mom has legal custody iver me and will not let me take my correct meds. I have said i wantto so much I am about to i cannot do it anymore please give me a way to cope i do not believe in a god but if there is one i really need them,Suicidal +12343,"Hello all. I will just get right to it. My wife told me she was going to take a whole bottle of sleeping pills, showed me a picture of the pills poured out. She did not take them and we are currently talking about this. I do not know what to do. She has no friends available where she lives and I do not want to involve police. I ask her if she would want to speak to someone on the suicide hotline, but she does not want to yet. This is not the first time we have been through this. I need some serious advice of how to proceed. Please help",Suicidal +12344,"I have been talking to this girl for 4 months. (She was abused by a narcissist in her last relationship so were taking things slow as you can see.) So far we have been great, our feelings were mutual, we talked all the time on the phone, we laughed, it was a good time. But the past few weeks, she is expressed that she is been mentally exhausted, and she feels overwhelmed with everything. I noticed a change in our communication. She barely calls anymore, our texting is dry, and she leaves me on read for hours sometimes. I have asked her about this, and she is assured me that is has nothing to do with me, and that she still likes me very much, but she just feels overwhelmed and tired. She suggested that she might have depression yesterday, but she is not sure because she is never had it Or dealt with it. I deal with anxiety which causes me to overthink things a lot. So this situation has been taking its toll on both of us. I hate making this about me, because if she is dealing with depression, I want her to focus on herself and her mental health so she can get better. But when I am talking to her, its draining. Because I am trying to be my happy funny self, trying to make her laugh and feel somewhat better, but all I get is crumbs back. And that makes my anxiety go into overdrive with thoughts like she does not like me or she is lost interest and even though she is expressed that that is not the case, due to my anxiety, I cannot help but to think like that and I hate that I do because that is the last thing she needs if she is really going through depression. I want to help her through this and I want to stop feeling this way, but I do not know what to do. I have suggested therapy, but she said its too expensive and she wants to hold off on it for now. I do not know what to do.TLDR: Girl I am talking to thinks she is depressed and our communication has drastically changed due to that. What can I do to help her and how can I stop feeling like she does not like me because of it? The girl I have been talking to thinks she has depression and I am not sure what I can do.",Depression +12345,"We were together for 3 years. I just turned 18, so that is 1/6th of my entire life. It was so perfect, she would hold onto me and tell me she loves me and we had so many plans for the future. And then all of a sudden she reveals to me that its over. But she said she still loves me. But we cannot make it work. I am just so confused, I want nothing more than to have her love me again. She says she still does, but then why cannot we make this work? Why am I not worth another attempt now that I know what I need to work on? After three years, how can this just be it? I seriously do not know how I am going to stay alive. She was the only one I had to talk to about things like this, and now that option is not available. It hurts so badly. I do not know how I am going to live on while being strung along like this",Suicidal +12346,"I hope it is okay to post this here. I have someone I know through online channels only who is going though a really hard time. Their parent is terminally ill, they are the primary caregiver and they are suffering from depression.They have stopped returning messages and have been avoidant and clearly are very overwhelmed. We had an emotional and romantic interest in each other. I know up until he stopped replying he was still making those feelings known. He has told me several times when he is gone quiet that he is overwhelmed and dealing with a lot. he is always wanted me to know he still cares when does pop up and he is always maintained he still has those feelings for me. I know he is just so focussed on everything else going on, which I completely understand.Now that he is retreating even longer than usual (over a week) and has not replied to my messages of concern, I do not know if I should just leave him alone or continue to send him supportive messages. I do not want to be annoying but I also want him to know I care and I am thinking of him without any pressure to reply... But also do not want to pressure him in a romantic way in case he does not feel that way anymore.I would love to understand what people here would want in the same situation. I just want him to know I care and he is not alone. I do not expect anything else. Someone I care about is going through a really dark period. How can I help them?",Depression +12347,Hi guys. So I have been dealing with sexual intrusive thoughts for a while now and I feel absolutely crushed. Most of the time I have been able to just push them off as intrusive thoughts and clear my head. That all changed when I mastrubated to them to see if its not intrusive and I was able to. I never would act on any of the disgusting urges and/or thoughts but I feel absolutely terrible. I would like to deal with this myself bc I cannot afford therapy. Any thoughts? Sexual intrusive thoughts are ruining my life.,Depression +12348,"Currently going through a rough patch again. Had half of a ""falling out"" situation with my parents recently. Relationship with my (bipolar) girlfriend is on a mutually imposed hiatus because she wants to be alone a lot lately having started a new job after being out of work for over a year and a half needing to adjust I guess and me being someone that enjoys and needs affection. And two days ago my car broke down. Just came home from my work summer event (professional life is going great actually but atm I feel like I am just functioning). Came home and immediately grabbed my guitar and started playing and singing my soul out to the song ""Dead Flowers"" by the Rolling Stones (playing the Townes Van Zandt version). And then it happened. A genuine flashback. 4 years ago I was on a kind of soul searching trip in Vietnam. Sitting on a Rooftop in Hanoi I played guitar and sang by myself and this girl was watching me and after a brief moment of silence she looked me dead in the eye and said ""You sing when you are sad, do not you?"" And it hit me like a truck. I do not know why I am even posting this on here. I guess I juest need to vent. I really really hope that our hiatus will work out. I still do not know how I will get through the next 4 weeks but I will manage somehow because she is worth it to me... we have been really good friends on a deep level for years and our relationship just started in February of this year. At the start of this year everything was going so well. I was out of therapy and started a new career path in IT and then ""we"" happened. And now it feels like everything is falling apart. I just hope I will have the strength to carry on. Because at the moment that is the only thing left for me to do. Again I do not know why I am posting this here. I guess some words of encouragement would be nice. I do not know... I hope you are all having a better night than I am. The question that felt like a shot straight through the heart.",Depression +12349,"So I have been building up depressed feelings over the past year. By now I am at the point where I just do not see the point in life on this earth anymore. I do not like myself, my social life is a flop, I have too much anxiety to study and I do not feel like I have a future (apart from how fucked up this world is in general). I sometimes to about this with my partner and I express not wanting to wake up or just die and I will ask the question ""Why would I keep going?"". His answer then is ""Well because existing is better than not existing"". But I am wondering... Is that even true? Is it really better to exist for a full life, where at the end of the balance you felt like shit 80-90% of the time? is not it then better to not exist at all?I was wondering what you guys think about this from a philosophical point of view? Is existing better than not existing?",Depression +12350,"I am a loser and a failure who was handed countless chances in life and I blew all of them. I am 26 going on 27 and it feels like I already have one foot out of the door. Even typing this seems pointless because it is clear I am going to be dealing with depression and wanting to kill myself for the rest of my life. I used to care so much and want to become something, whatever that is, but there is just too much goddamn pain. Now it just hurts to think about he life I idealized for myself, and instead will spend it wasting away until I succumb to some sort of illness. Either that or I will kill myself. I am a mess up and a failure and there is no way to redeem myself. I am just so tired and want to go to sleep forever, do not want to think about the dim reality of my future and how I fucked everything up. Wish it was not so hard to leave though. No ones words can help. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into a void that no one can help me escape from.",Suicidal +12351,"I work at a ice cream kiosk, and fuck me.I keep doing things wrong,Today the ice cream machine had some yellow stuff growing inside and had to be emptied and cleaned and I did not know what to do even though I have seen it done before, and the boss shouted at us again and it is sucks.I cannot focus, it is soo hot inside there and my mind feels like it is being fried, we do not get breaks even though I work 7.5 hours 5 times a week and I only get to drink a bottle of water during the day.What sucks is that a lot of the time I am too slow at closing because I have to clean and get everything in order for the next day and I also need to serve costumers too, it especially sucks when they order a milkshake, because I have to thoroughly clean it all over again so it does not stink the next day.I need to empty the dirty water under the sink, wash the floor, wash the counters, check and fill what is missing, get shouted at, see what we do not have and is needed more of and write it down.I cannot work overtime all the time, the owner does not have that kind of money for thing's that has been broken and need to be repaired.When I first started everything went fine and I actually was applauded on doing good, but now I feel like I have to keep doing good and better, but my mental health has taken a beating recently and I am falling into old habits of suicidal ideation, I feel so hopeless and I am terrifed of being fired, I keep waking up at 5 am and cannot fall asleep until 2 am or later.I take every criticism and failure to heart, I need to be as perfect as humanly possible, because if you are not you get scolded or fired and shit, it is a start up business, so it might even fail because of bad employees like me.I have always wanted to function like a good person, but I do not know if I can, or if I even want to anymore, I want to punch the fucking wall and shout my lungs out. I have got a summer job! but I am doing terrible...",Depression +12352,I should just kill myself now. Thanks a lot to those who just abandoned me. I am going to kill myself right now. I am telling all those who abandoned me that I am going to kill myself because of them. I want to die because everyone just abandons me,Suicidal +12353,"My father killed himself when I was only 4yo, that was 36 years ago. I ended up having a rough childhood, my mother did not have a stable job. The parents of my father abandon me and my mother. Luckily the family from my mother's side were there, we managed. Living in a remote village helped I suppose.So economically my father's suicide was kind of crap.Through all my childhood the thing I hated the most was at the beginning of the school year when teachers would hand over questionnaires or would ask in the class ""what do you parents so?"". When it was out loud I would get really sad. I remember being so ashamed when I would answer ""my father is no longer alive"" and then the teacher would ask ""what did he die of?"", I would always lie about it.I always knew that he had killed himself. I remember going to the place where he poisoned himself and seeing the paramedics taking him into the ambulance. In the village there was a house that on the ground floor had a pub, on the outside it had stairs going up to the first floor, he just went to the pub ordered his last glass of wine came outside and sat on the steps halfway up the stairs, and drank the poison, a strong insecticide used in farming, straight from the bottle.Some years later after completing primary school I went to middle school, to get to school I would need to get a bus. To get to that bus I would walk about 1.5km (1mile) each way every day. Now the fate of destine, the bus stop. That bus stop was a meter way from those stairs, so basically every day during 4 years I would walk to and from the exact place where I saw my father for the last time.To go to high school I would still need to walk to get a bus, but that one was about 4km in the opposite direction, there were lucky days when I would get a ride from someone. I endured all that cold and walks in the dark, most of the 4km had no public lights so the winters were tough. Being really poor, my clothes were always whatever people would give to my mother, I even got a big bag of clothes from my first English teacher in mid school. I endured all that because I knew that life was shit, but if I just stuck in school things would get better. Always had good grades, I never had to study much, things always kind of make sense, and things like geography and literature... well those just sucked, I did not see the point of learning something that was basically either memorize lots of simply assumptions of whatever writer was thinking hundreds of years back - totally pointless to me.Although I had never had my own computer, I self taught what I could from either computer magazines or from the only programming book available in the school library (an old book on Pascal programming language). Back in the day, access to a one of the four computers in the school library had to be booked in advance. While my colleagues would spend their time on mIRC, I would try to learn whatever I could. One day I was sitting there, just waiting for my turn and I realized that some teachers would also use those computers, I started to wonder what would the teachers use the computer for. So in my allocated time I started writing a tiny computer virus, not really a virus as it would not replicate itself, anyways a spyware that would simply create a copy of every document and spreadsheet opened in those 4 computers, this was around the end of the last year of my secondary school. And yes, some teachers were writing the exams there. oh! now, I remember I never deleted the little spyware.Anyways, the point is, despite the hard times I always had good grades. When I finished the secondary school, I voluntarily joined the army, well because I wanted to go. And incredibly those same questions would pop up, ""what does your father do?"" ""what did he die of?""... same feelings, sadness and extreme shame of how my father died.Finished my time in the army, got out and got a job, and then another, it was good to finally do not have the weight of those questions. But, one day sitting in my shitty car, I remembered something I had told myself when I was 8 when another secret traumatic event occurred, "" I am going to study hard and get far from this place "", that village had only brought me pain and abuse. I decided to go to University and get something back out of all that self taught stuff about computers.I worked really hard, and spent a year literally sustained on bread, water and sugar. Would kill one or other animal and/or fish, but I had made the point to put aside as much money I could, just in case. Past that year I entered the university and those damn questions were back ""what do you father do?"" ""How did he die?"". Kept the lying ""accident"". One day, I had made friends with a girl and one night she was feeling really down, her father had been having an affair and her mother had found out and the whole thing was pretty shitty. I took her to a remote place where we could just stay in the car and see the stars between the scattered clouds. And while just was telling me all that, she let us out ""I wish I could just die, I find that people that kill themselves are really brave"". At that point I started to cry in silence, the tears kept pouring down my face, while she kept asking what happened. I then decided to just tell her in a very confronting tone ""you are a fucking idiot, how can you say that people are brave for killing themselves? People that kill themselves never deserved anything that this world gave them."" Understandably, she yelled back ""Who gives you the right to speak to me like that?"". And then, for the first time, ""Because my father killed himself when I was four, he gave up and left me and my mother behind. I was only four, and he simply walked away and was not there to protect me every time I needed. Brave is to face the hardship. So I do not want you to ever say that killing yourself is something brave, think about the people you would leave behind, how your decision would affect their lives."" From that point on I never more felt ashamed to admit that my father was not brave enough to find an alternative path and took the easy way out.I ended up finishing my degree, getting a nice few jobs. Every time I look back the main thing I always see if the void I have always felt. I decided to never have kids because I never wanted to not be there for them for any reason. I know that there are millions of people that have had much worst lives than I have, I always been lucky, I always chased that same luck. I am not brave, I still avoid going back to that small rural village. I am not even living in that country anymore. I feel down lots of time, and in the last couple of years I have been feeling more and more down, really down, questioning my existence, and yes suicide crossed my mind. I do not want to kill myself, and I will not, if I die I do not mind, but I will not kill myself. I have been feeling more and more the need to give up on everything, and I will probably will. I will probably leave my job and everything behind and go away a couple of years to the middle of nowhere living on whatever I can.If you ever think about killing yourself, please think about how that decision my affect the other people in your life. My father's suicide has always been a darkness in my life and it will always be. Death is not the only solution, there are other ways to get isolation and away from everything, and even in the far chance you come to the conclusion death is the only way out, well then die giving your life in a meaningful action. Go kill poachers in Africa, go fight terrorists, go help people in natural disasters, but please remember the people you leave behind. You will not be there when they need the most. my father killed himself",Suicidal +12354,I was boxer and I was doing well my dad was proud of me. He never said it but I knew he was my mom died when I was young. But I contradicted Covid and it has runied my lungs badly I can barely train. I push threw and in my first spar after it I got hit to the lungs I dropped and spat up blood my dad went crazy screaming and shouting at me to fight like a man and get up I lost the spar he did not speak to me the rest of the day. I told before my next spar I cannot keep doing this my lungs hurt to bad he called me a pussy and scared of getting hit so he made me a deal if I win the spar I continue if I lose he will let me quit I get in the ring and I am fighting a girl who is older than me in 17 she is around 24-25 she beats the shit out of me. My dad going fucking crazy calling me weak and a Pussy and that no son of his loses to a girl. I got back up and she knocked me down again this time I started coughing blood she helped me up my dad left me there in th ring he went home. I fear I am weak and not strong like him and its making feel like nothing is worse living for I need your advice and I need to get this off my chest I am really struggling,Suicidal +12355,"context for this post is that I have struggled with depression for most of my life. i was not in a position to do anything about it before, up until very recently, because it was never just the only problems i had going on. there was always some other Serious Issue slammed into eight other things that i had to work my way around every day in order to actually function. a lot has happened these past two years. i have stabler relationships, i have friends who i like (i just cannot really talk to them about any of these issues because they have never experienced long lasting significant mental health issues and have personally told me that while they are here for me, they do not understand and have no frame of reference to understand what I am going through). most of the things that I have had to deal with these past six or seven years- extreme mood swings, crushing apathy towards anything, loss of interest in activities and eating etc. have mostly died down into what i would call normal levels that almost everyone experiences in their life. they are manageable i guess for lack of better words. the only downside was that it meant that the week long (sometimes even months long) depressive episodes and sudden onsets of debilitating depression *(its just depression in it is severe bland dictionary meaning. severe feelings of despondency and despair. i do not have any other way of explaining it)* have gone from being pushed to the side lines in order to deal with other stuff, to front and centre of my life now. i cry on the commute back and forth between my classes. two weeks ago the feelings of depression that I would been crushing down all week suddenly peaked and i skipped my last two classes because i genuinely did not feel up to it mentally or able to concentrate or focus because of how bad i felt and how depressed i was. i wish i was exaggerating in order to make a coherent and simple case of *'yeah here is proof that i have debilitation depression that affects my life 24/7'* but I am not, when i say that every day i have to fight down the majority of me that goes 'avoid your friends hide out in the bathrooms during intervals and breaks until you are normal and capable of human interaction again' even if i know in my head that being around my friends will make me feel better and that seeing them will remind me that no matter how stupid things are for me mentally right now that they are there. sometimes i win and sometimes i do not. it feels like an uphill battle where none of the lessons i learn (being with friends is good. do not isolate yourself) get retained or remembered through idk brain muscle memory or anything. this is the best that I have been in years, if only because I have managed to keep it at a *'one step forward two steps back herculean effort to take another one step forward to balance things again'* cycle. but i know its only going to get harder and more intense for me at school next year because of the increase in workload and just the general insanity of stress and uni applications and important exams that determine your future and decisions that I am making this year that are supposed to be plans for the next five years of my life. right now feels like the only opportunity I will have to take some kind of action (medication lmao) and get used to all the side effects, while the academic stakes are still relatively manageable even if it makes me cry sometimes. i guess for me it was always the money that made feel :| about getting diagnosed and the leftover remains of when i was more seriously mentally ill (being alive is a waste of money complex hahaha). the counsellor I have been seeing for the past three or something years tried to broach the topic of *possible diagnosis for depression* *just in my opinion it mgiht be wrong just let me say my opinion and you can disagree this is based off of what i know from seeing you semi regularly for these last few years* two weeks ago (same day i missed those last two classes lmao) but i shot them down because there is really no pathway after getting diagnosed, at least not for me, that does not end in medication. I have been friends with a few people who were diagnosed with major depressive disorder among other depression disorders, all of which took medication. we have fallen out of contact due to the past year of lockdown and pandemic etc but i still remember talking to them about the side effects of medication and whether it was really worth it because they were still in pain they were still struggling even on medication. talking to them made me realize that they were right and that it could only get worse if treatment was not taken. some potentially severe side effects are worth not feeling like hell and being obstructed by your own mind every day of your life. **the only issue is my parents, who despite knowing almost zero if not absolutely nothing about depression and other mental health issues (genuine quote from one of them was 'i know nothing about this and i do not understand and i do not need you to explain it to me. medication has terrible side effects that will ruin your life) yet still manage to have hardline anti-medication, for lack of better words, views because of their percieved horrific life ruining side effects.** is medication worth it despite the side effects?",Depression +12356,"Relationships have never worked for me. In my adult years, I have worked hard to be self reliant and happy with myself. I go to therapy, finally got on meds, trying to eat right and exercise. Most of the time, I am great.But every time I start to think ""hm, I should let someone else in!"" I am reminded why I shut everyone out over a decade ago. My therapist says I need to let people in but it is like... there is a wall there for a reason? We did not put that up for fun? It was not fun at all, and took blood, sweat, and tears to realize that, even though I do not like myself, I sure cannot depend on anyone else.Also I feel stupid when I get hopeful. And think I can let someone in.Then either it turns out I overestimated. Or, even better, they do like me, but I require DEVOTION before I can trust them, and, of course, as any sane person would, they run. I am like that blob comic, where they get punched and go back in the box, now with thicker walls,""Never again! "" Pretty sure I am meant to be alone?",Depression +12357,"Hi everyone.I have ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Asthma, and Epilepsy. All of this has been diagnosed professionally.I had a very rough upbringing. When I was young I definitely tried to avoid it, but there is only so much you can do. My mother was a depressed single parent who was a hoarder. She was gay and my dad was not around, so I often got made fun of as a child from other kids. For a few years in my early childhood her partner was an alcoholic who burned all of our things, so that was awful. I just saw every bad side of life as a child, I feel like.As a teenager I was sexually assaulted a few times. That definitely made things worse for me. I have not really talked about it a lot, but I do have nightmares about it and random times where I just cannot get sexual with my boyfriend. As an adult I have had issues with jobs. I never got to go to college, I had to leave home at 17 and afterwords I just never had the money to go to school, I also did not have the support. My ADHD is so severe that for a long time I was medicated on the strongest doses they had. We tried 3 different medications, nothing seemed to work. I was either hyper, or a zombie with no appetite. But never able to focus.I have been fired before. I have never had a job for over 2 years. I am 25. Every job I have had I have felt stupid. I just cannot learn fast enough. I am too emotional. I am too hyper. I am 3 weeks into a new job and it is the worst fit I have ever had. I love the company and my coworkers, but the position just does not mix well with me. I have cried already the past three nights.For a long time I have just tried to power through all of the issues I am facing mentally and physically, but it now feels like my head is imploding in on itself. I think I might die soon. Severely depressed and I need help!",Suicidal +12358,"One moment I hate myself and want to die, the next moment I feel like a god and turn into a self-absorbed narcissistic asshole. My self-esteem fluctuates and I have no control over it whatsoever. I guess I am just desperate for intimacy. I never felt accepted by the people around me, just tolerated. Like everyone sees me as a circus freak to laugh at, while keeping me at an arms length to deprive me of the chance to be normal. ... I want to be accepted. I want to be normal. I want to live as if I have no doubts whatsoever that the people around me appreciate me. Because currently they sure as hell do not, one of them just told me that I am worthless and should commit suicide. Fluctuating Self-Esteem",Depression +12359,"I know it may sound stupid but I feel so unbearably sad, my heart just arches and I am crying myself to sleep. I just want to lie down next to my mom and cry. And I would want her to say nothing, just let me be close and cry. I want her to understand. I want her to gently stroke my hair and kiss my forehead. I know I am probably too old for this (I am 21) but at the same time it is my mom and nobody is ever too old for mother's love. I do not know. Recently I have been feeling awful and I like to imagine myself hugging my mom. I am going to see her next week so we will be able to spend some time together, maybe this will help me feel a little bit better. Please do not make fun of me. I need my mom",Suicidal +12360,"Little brothers friend is going through it. Had to chat with him and give everyone advice. I was not in the thick of it until the tail end, but we got him help in the end.I just think to myself, if hes in as much pain as I am, is it wrong for me to try and help? Sometimes I wonder if its the morally correct thing to not intervene. Ill always encourage someone to not. Sometimes I feel very selfish. I am too scared to do it, so I do not want them to either. Maybe its a fear of being alone in my experiences.Idk. All I know is I am very tired. Maybe I am the bad guy for thinking this or for helping. Hope everyone has at least seen a photo of something nice today. Had to help talk a kid down from suicide last week",Suicidal +12361,"No.""Suicide is never the answer because of the destruction it leaves""Fuck off.""there is help and they choose not to take it""Fuck off.""Life is rough we all got out paths and be grateful""Fuck off.""Life is what you make it""Fuck, off. ""Life is a gift""",Suicidal +12362,"I am losing a lot of friends. Since I started therapy I realized that I am really vulnerable to be mentally abused by female friends. I always had tons of female friends and I am losing them all in the shortest amount of time. Some of them abuse me mentally and when I speak up they say fuck you and block me. I lost 10 friends like that and everytime I meet someone new it happens again. I am like a magnet to abusers. They never physically abuse me or openly mentally abuse me. Its little Chips in my mental health that they make bigger and then act like they did not knew it would happen. I am on the shorter side and learned to love myself since I started therapy. I still have my bad days and some of them told me things like ""tall men are really manly and so hot"" and I am not judging, but they know that it hurts me and then act like they did not knew. They always gaslight me to look like the dumbass that is deserved it when in reality I just want someone to talk to who does not think less of me just because i like feminine things. Even worse is that I do look stereotypically ""masculine"" so they think even less of me when I do not have that manly side to me. My best friend of 6 years who was like a soulmate broke up with her boyfriend and then told me I did not help her enough and that I am at fault that she nearly killed herself because I am a horrible human being and did not help her. She was the last person left and if I wanted to vent or cry about something she was my goto place. Before she blocked me she said she never met a bigger pussy then me and that its no wonder I am so fucking lonely. When I told her that she only gets attention from dudes because she is hot but a mental health mess I am the bad one. Its true tho. She is a mess and nobody would want to be with her because she does not want to get help. She gets attention because of her attractiveness and her body. Then she blocked me and I do not have anybody left to vent to. My therapist appointment would have been today but she is on vacation for 14 days and I have to wait for another week. She said in extreme cases I should call her but I do not want to fuck up her vacation with her boyfriend. I am losing a lot of friends",Suicidal +12363,"Was wondering if anyone else has a coping mechanism like mine, on a quest to feel normal I guess. I find some of the things I realize about my mental illness funny and even come up with jokes about it, though nobody around me likes them.My latest joke is realising how much I think about my own death/suicide makes me makes one thing clear.I need to find a better hobby. Finding it funny",Depression +12364,"Do you agree that if all of the things someone values in life are gone and completely unattainable, coupled with crippling pain that has gone on for years, and no treatment has worked that suicide is a reasonable option? question regarding quality of life.",Suicidal +12365,I (33M) am tired of emotionally abusive and controlling parents. I am already suffering from daily thoughts of suicide. And have attempted once when I was a minor. My current circumstances especially financial dictate that I cannot just up and leave my situation. Death seems like the only escape from this. I am a failure in the eyes of all who know me. The only time I feel safe is when I am asleep. I cannot go on like this. I am too scared to tell anybody lest they decide to use involuntary detention on me. My mother has threatened me with it multiple times. I want to end my life but am too scared of failing and ending up worse off in a lunatic asylum. .,Suicidal +12366,"My mom is getting really aggressive and strict and taking away some of the only things that comfort me. I am close to relapse but I want to die, I just do not know how I want to do it. I feel like this is my sign that it is time for me to die",Suicidal +12367,For years I have been addicted to scrolling and posting on social media. I want to take back control. do not want to go cold turkey or anything just want some self respect and time back in my day. Does anyone have any tips to cut down? I post more on days I am depressed and need external validation. Social media addiction,Depression +12368,"I used to be really resistant to taking antidepressants because I learned they can make you gain weight and one of the things I really struggle with is body image but I reached one of the lowest points of my life a couple of months ago that finally forced me to re-evaluate. I started Prozac (40mg) a little over 5 weeks ago and I truthfully have not felt this good since before the pandemic began. I feel like I am finding myself again and my mood is not so volatile anymore. I know medication and psychiatrists are not accessible for everyone, but Id encourage you to at least try it out if you can (especially if you are struggling with a few different things like anxiety and ADHD along with the Depression)! My life really fell apart before I was finally pushed into trying it out, so I hope others can learn from my experience before things to start get really bad. Meds can help a lot :)",Depression +12369,"I keep on having depressive episodes, things get better for a week or so, my mind is positive and then something always happens to destroy everything and leave me wanting to die again.I know all the same stuff about life getting better and it does, then it all goes to shit again, everything good turns to shit eventually, I enjoy the highs just to go down further going back into relapse, cutting myself and wanting to die.Things are at their worst then they get better again then when you look forward to something it just crumbled before yours eyes and you have nothing again.I am tired. I know I need therapy but it is expensive, embarrassing and time consuming. Also what will they say to me? Bs happy? Look on the bright side? Write yourself a letter?I know relatively my life is luxury I am just tired of the constant short highs and long lows. Relapse",Suicidal +12370,"Like seriously what the fuck is even happening?Why the fuck is it so difficult to get through to you about what I actually want?Do you need me to set myself on fire before you actually believe me?I feel like I have lost the love of my life.I just want to spend my fucking life with you.Why is that so hard for you to believe? I have said it over and over and over and over again.Yet you keep going back to this one thing.Its so fucking unfair.Can you not fucking see what this has done to me?Do you not realize I am not fucking okay?I have given you more than enough time, this is fucking ridiculousIts not going to be infiniteYoure taking awhile, I hope you choose your response to my last messages wiselyAt the very least, tell me you do not want me anymore so I can at least have some closureIts 6pm, I am setting an alarm for tomorrow morningHopefully I never wake upI cannot do this anymore How did we end up here again?",Suicidal +12371,"Spent an childhood being yelled at to grow up, and now Am i grown up? And if I am is everyday just suffering? Is my life meant to be Wake up, work, go home, sleep, realize you will not have enough time or money for anything. At least childhood had blissful ignorance and no responsibilities. Like Fuck. So, is being an adult just actually constant nonstop pain?",Depression +12372,"Wondering about mental health (depression?) Advice/comments welcomed and appreciated.Preface: I know I cannot get an actual diagnosis from this site, but I would really like to get peoples opinions/thoughts on this. I am just going to dump a bunch of information here, and I am sorry if its too long. I am going to treat this like a rant, so it will not be organized.Over the past couple of years, I feel like my mental health has been declining. In 2019, I started spending more and more time alone in my bed, and its continued on to this day. I have been passing it off as laziness (Ibe been a lazy person in general for quite a while), but I think its more than that, because I used to only have short periods of laziness. In other words, I used to have occasional lazy days, but now every day feels like a lazy day. I sit on my bed, watching YouTube, listening to music, daydreaming, and checking my apps. When I am not working (I work part-time), I mostly just do these lazy activities.I also currently have a lack of hobbies- probably related to laziness. I want to pursue hobbies and interests like I used to. I want to spend time doing something I enjoy. But, I just cannot get the motivation to. I feel like I cannot get the motivation to do much, even low-effort activities or tasks. My lack of productivity and hobbies has led me to think very negatively about myself. I feel like I am skill-less, talentless, boring, and useless. Its a vicious cycle: lack of motivation = not productive = more negative thoughts. I have also noticed that I am not excited over things Id normally be. For example, I recently went on a short vacation, but I generally felt bored throughout it, when normally Id be anxious and excited to do things. I felt like I could not get excited. Aside from COVID, nothing huge has happened in my life recently that would typically evoke depression, so its hard to pinpoint where this is coming from, and that is frustrating. I also do not feel too bad (its like a constant meh with occasional dark days), or mentally suffocated, like people with depression have described, so I am not sure. I sorta feel like I am overreacting or being dramatic. But I am also quite concerned.To summarize: I am constantly lazy, I am not productive, I have lots of negative thoughts about myself and my life, and I feel like I am in a constant state of boredom and indifference. Wondering about my mental health",Depression +12373,"I am 15, live in the UK, and after Johnson has been reinforcing for Months about the Reopening of Society and his Step 4 Plan being Irreversible; he is now Saying Another Lockdown and More Restrictions are something that could happen in only Three Months.My Life is Over before It Began. Covid Restrictions will not Ever End, Will It?",Depression +12374,"The days have just been one big blur, mundane, and I am mentally trapped In my mind and feel my only way to escape is to kill myself. Mentally tired",Suicidal +12375,"Tried once i was too youngTried a second time it was painful(i should have really seen it thru)The third time I would want it to be painless, a space where there is no time for the body and the mind to fight through, do it right this time.It will change alot of things and for that i am sorry, however,Nothing will always be as it seems.The day my mind stops will be the day i can define peace. Soon I am going to do it, it is inevitable.",Suicidal +12376,I cannot figure out insurance plans and pricing and the whole thing just make me feel extremely unintelligent. Is it that complicated or am I just that stupid? Feeling Insecure,Depression +12377,Having an especially terrible day. Everything I do just keeps having issues. Everything. A single thing can not go right in my life. Not one thing. Really thinking about the futility of my life and how all my efforts in everything amounts to shit. I am tired of being alive. I am tired of being me. I am Really Not Doing Good...,Suicidal +12378,"Hello,this message is to everyone I am close to. I do not want to lie anymore or pretend that everything is okay with me. The truth is I am insanely depressed and suffer from anxiety disorders and panic attacks. On top of that I have paranoid thoughts as well as suicidal thoughts. I see a psychiatrist and get help and medication there.Caused by traumas I experienced because I lacked a solid contact person in my childhood who made me feel that I am okay the way I am. I have felt that way all my life. I have never really told anyone.I am embarrassed, so I have never talked about it openly. But I cannot anymore. I feel an infinite depth inside me that I have never been able to fill and continue to not be able to. Something is pulling me into the dark. And at 28, I am starting to feel like I have wasted my life on my illness. I feel like I have no life. I have never built anything for myself. I am always second choice to people. Please do not ask me how I am doing when you see me. Please do not set expectations on me. That means do not ask me for a partner either. I cannot handle these questions. They create pressure and shame. I just want some people to know. that is all. Cry in the void",Depression +12379,"car busted, $20 in my bank account, cannot get to work to pay for food or bills, live alone, no gf no family, ugly n a virgin at 20, game over I guessFuck society, the game was rigged from the start but I gave it my bestHasta la Victoria siempre end of the line",Suicidal +12380,"I have met this guy, who I thought was the most amazing guy I have met in a long time. We seemed to be really into each other, enjoyed each other company, went on about 4 dates that had me fall for him badly.I have a history of disastrous dating experiences, most people I have seen never even got to the dating stage, it is just how I am, makes people want to distant themselves.I have noticed this time I came on too strong, like I confessed him how much I was into him after a couple dates. My social anxiety makes me shut down my personality when I am with someone I like, because I am scared of being judged. My mind just goes in auto pilot, I blank, I stutter and do not even realise I am being weird until afterwards, thinking I should have been more spontaneous. I think to his eyes I might have appeared like I did not want to deepen our connection, looked uninterested and uninteresting, all because I was not comfortable with myself being around him.Also think that the quality of our dates was not varied enough, which might have quickly killed the interest, we were just hanging out at each others' with no real plan or activity set in place, so that might have made it stale.It kind of died when we agreed to meet up one weekend where he said he would let me know if he was free, then never called and have not heard from him since then.I am so sad and annoyed that I have allowed the fear of being myself in front of him being the reason of him getting bored of me.I have been through a hell of a year, escaping an abusive friendship which has made me miserable for a good part of my days, and is still causing me mental distress. I have only slightly mentioned this to him, without going too much into detail because I did not want to freak him out, just like I have left out many of the issues that I struggle with with my mental health.I cannot see any light, I want to be better, I want to make me happy and be happy with someone, I just never know how much of me it is okay to share with someone. They freak out if I tell them I like them, they freak out if I stay silent, they freak out if I talk about my demons. I know I should talk about what makes me interesting, my dreams, my values and what I believe in, the truth is I do not have enough self esteem to even be able to believe in myself, if I talk about my dreams out loud I would sound unexciting because I have always been the last person to believe in me. it is a lot to ask anyone to put up with such an emotional mess, I know no one is perfect, but I doubt anyone would want to start a relationship if they fear their partner would be problematic to be around. I might have freaked out the guy I thought I would start dating",Depression +12381,"I am 22 and cannot land a career anywhere. I have been searching for months. I am running out of food and racking up debt. I am so stressed. I want to give up, I am so depressed. I do not think Ill ever be a homeowner, Ill never get a boyfriend, Ill never be pretty.I am so tired of it all Is it normal to feel hopeless about my future",Depression +12382,I know this is not actually going to get seen at all because its not depression but I hate how everything I do I am terrible at even the the things I used to be good at it feels that I run at slow motion and everyone is getting better than me in everything I do I,Depression +12383,"I have struggled with crippling depression for over a decade now and, as I am sure others with extended periods of clinical depression can relate to, it makes focusing on goals of any sort extremely difficult. I spent many years belittling my personal goals and stripping them of value in a vain attempt to get myself to live up to the expectations of modern cultures and those around me, but I have given that up as an exercise in futility. Unfortunately, that does not change that I think the things I personally want to pursue are immature, pointless, and, for lack of a better word, stupid. Are there any online groups or something where people aid each other in pursuing goals? General advice is also welcomed. Struggling with goals",Depression +12384,"My mother has been abusive my whole life.Such as hitting me, threatening me, making fun of me behind my back and moreI do not even want to live anymore.Help please Help",Suicidal +12385,"My original language is not EnglishI feel to embarrassed to write it on a forum in my own country.I am really into strapon porn and light humiliation.I occasionally order a bottle of poppers and go at it on femdom porn, I usually trow the bottle away afterwards because I am disgusted.I am active at prostitute websites and go hunting for prostitutes that off kinky services.It goes on and on like this, femdom porn and prostitutes. People around me think I am gay.I once had a girlfriend and sex and the femdom urges went away.I am not bad looking but to insecure to date, I am 35 and I need to get a girlfriend or wife.Today I paid a prostitute to use my own strapon on me, she only did it for the money, but she looked at me with a weird look on her face.One hour later I went to another prostitute and did the same.It was really stupid because I better could go to a pro domme, but I was to horny.I do not know if I just need this type of sexual activities or I have a real problem.I go to a psychologist to talk, but I do not really think she gets these issues. Depressed about my sexual circle",Depression +12386,:(( And it is back to reality tomorrow,Suicidal +12387,All the time . She literally lost something important to he and then because I did not put back something after searching for the important item she criticized meI hate being alive I hate living this life honestly I wish I was never born All my mom does is criticize me,Depression +12388,"I am 20(f) getting a divorce, I got married 9 months agoI'm kind of homeless now my family would not take me back I got no friends or anyone to turn to I cannot get accepted in any job bc I only have high school degree n I cannot even afford college I am two years lateI have schizophrenia, bpd and a many physical illnesses I can barely even walk and I am not taking any meds bc I do not have any money I am only alive bc Idk how to kill myself A lot of tries fucked my body up more and I cannot afford losing more I need help and I have no idea what to do I admit I need help for the first time",Suicidal +12389,"Well i wanted to die for a long time i did try to Commit die but i failed like a loser i'am but cut short i do not do it because of one thing and it not familiy,friends like i do not care about them now i just care about my goal and that the only single thing that keeps me in this fucking hell hole. I would do anything too reach that goal. I want to die",Suicidal +12390,"[ I used to suffer from depression and still do time to time, but I have midigated it through finding things that interest me once I start doing them. And I found out I like to pick at make weird videos until it looks good.",Depression +12391,I really feel like I do. Since I am happy during the day but when I am alone my mood just drops and I feel horrible. I even have a diagnosis but I am starting to tell myself that I just did not hear her right. And many people around me do not believe me since I am that friend who is always happy and smiley which only fuels my mindset that I am faking it all for attention. I feel like I am faking,Depression +12392,"I am forgetful I blame myself for everything in life and I feel that it is my fault that I am like this, plus I cannot even get over the reason on why I am deppressed because I do not even remeber why I was in the first place,i feel unmotivated and dead inside i keep telling myself that I will be ok but is that really true?, i do not think that I am deppressed because i still laugh and talk with my family and i still watch funny memes to boost my confidence so I always doubt that I am deppressed, what makes it worse is that I am indecisive and can never make a decision unless my parents make it for me,I feel so useless like I cannot do anything for anyone, I feel this way yet I still have a goal to complete school, but I also question that too I say I do not care about anything but yet i care about my education, now that I think back i do not even know why I cared in the first place I always thought it was my job as a student to be good in school and i also did it for my parents and for my future, but do i even have a future if i continue this way i do not even think I will have a job, I am also an introvert so I never want to go outside I am sitting on my balcony as I am typing this, I do not get enough vitamin D so I am almost always weak, I do not eat much aswell my parents have to tell me to eat sometimes because I do not even realize I am starving, my depression was bad before I do not even remeber how long I have had it but it seems that everytime I try to make it better it just gets worse that why I feel to just give up and let it take over but then there is also a part of me that still has hope and wants to keep trying, it is so confusing I do talk to my mother about all of my feeling because I think she could relate the most to my situation but it is no use, I watch videos and try to think positive thoughts to help me get through life but it always revolves around this simple question ""why""? Why I am I like this? I am always the type to ask questions and I always overthink things that should require too much thinking, but the worse part is my selflessness I always care more about others than myself I have been like this my entire life always wanting to help others and make the world a better place and I hate myself for that, I hate myself so much I hate that I am the one who wants to be this way and I hate myself for worrying everyone around me, I just want to dissapear but I know that will just because sadness for family if I committed suicide so I will just wait for natural causes to happen such as being hit by a vehicle for being kidnapped and killed, that way my parents whouldnt blame themselves for my death, the sad part is I am only 12 just going into highschool I feel as if I am mature and I am 15 but once you look back on it I am only just a tween, I do not really have anything else to say just wanted to speak my mind I hope you all have a wonderful day. My symptoms of depression",Depression +12393,"School just ended. It is the best I have felt since we have been back. I do not have to pick the right things to say, worry about waking early. I do not think its just school, having to be around people is just not my thing. I feel free to think my thoughts and I do not care what others might think of those thoughts. Goodbye anxiety, for a few weeks. School crushes me",Depression +12394,"I feel like ending my life every day, no exception. Whatever, not like i have the strength to do it. But i cannot tell anyone, either I am a burden, an attention whore or a mild irritant. I already feel like I make everything i touch worse, so telling someone i care about will not make that better. My old therapist told me that opening up would make me feel better. It made me feel much much worse. At least to my parents. My mother blames herself and my father does not believe therapy will help and keeps saying its a ""teenage thing"" and the doctors just put a label on it. Makes me feel like i have to prove that I am mentally ill or something. My friends try to help but there really is not anything they can do and i feel even shittier talking to my gf about this bc its like she got a ""defective"" partner. I just want to die. Get out of this fuckin prison. I feel nothing or feel horrible. Please just kill me.(Sorry if this is chaotic or something, just needed to type) I cannot tell anyone",Suicidal +12395,I never wanted to be born now I am fucked and have to struggle because I am too scared to kill myself Fuck god he is a piece of shit if there is a god,Suicidal +12396,"I have prepared my 12 page note to all my loved ones. I have bought all the necessary supplies to do it. I just hope it is enough drugs to do what I want it to do and painlessly. I am addicted to drugs, have lost 3 very close family members (all to suicide), got diagnosed with a lifelong disease, lost my girlfriend a year ago, etc. Also, among those loved ones was my brother last month who killed himself. I no longer want to continue. Additionally, even if I do continue, I will have to continue working for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for another 40ish years. I am sorry, Mom. I am just tired and sick of all the pain and suffering. I think tomorrow night is the night I am doing it",Suicidal +12397,"I have been at home the past year... quite literally not doing anything. And that is the only way I am able to cope with how terrible I feel. I feel hopeless and am just alive to exist because it is so hard to find joy in anything. I do not want to kms but I do not want to exist either. But the fact that I have to go work just to stay alive and keep suffering just... idk man, it is horrible and I do not see myself doing it. Any opinions or advice? How is one able to perform at work or school when one feels so miserable all the time.",Suicidal +12398,"Maybe i do not deserve love or people's attention I have wished my entire life to receive spontaneous love actions, or just have time to listen a poor broken man for a minute but nothing.",Depression +12399,"I am pretty decent at solving complex algorithms, very functional at work, super into science & math.When it comes to expressing my feelings visually or audibly, I really suck at it. Idk if it comes from childhood or some other because, I look like a robot when dancing, flirting, speaking to a group of people or even showing my anger.I keep trying day-to-day to improve but it feels very unnatural to show emotions. I just cannot do it. I am not a sociopath or anything, I feel so much on the inside, but unable to show it effectively to others. I look like a weirdo or a creep when I try to. I guess this is one of the main reasons of why I keep getting rejected. I hate having to express emotions visually",Depression +12400,"My friend of 5 years has been saving her meds and saying she will take 5000g of Sertraline (Zoloft).She lives in the middle of nowhere. Very, very far from emergency. If she is taken the pills, will she make it alone? I need advice:",Suicidal +12401,I cannot take it anymore. My life is so meaningless and I am just a waste of space. I am 24 years old and I have done nothing I have accomplished nothing I am getting nowhere in life and I never will yet I am forced to be alive. Every day is getting worse than the last and the people who make me live this worthless life are incredibly selfish for doing so. Why cannot they understand that my life is not worth living? The only reason they want me alive is so they do not feel sad when I am gone. They do not think about how torturous being alive is for me and they do not want to understand they just want me to keep suffering for their sake so they are inconvenienced with my death. I cannot take it anymore though I am just so tired of trying and pretending everything is ok. Forced to live,Depression +12402,"I have been at home the past year... quite literally not doing anything. And that is the only way I am able to cope with how terrible I feel. I feel hopeless and am just alive to exist because it is so hard to find joy in anything. I do not want to kms but I do not want to exist either. But the fact that I have to go work just to stay alive and keep suffering just... idk man, it is horrible and I do not see myself doing it. Any opinions or advice? How is one able to perform at work or school when one feels so miserable all the time.",Depression +12403,I just cannot wait to pass away Life is pointless nothing matters at all,Depression +12404,Hey... so basicly i feel like I am being fucked by everything and everyone. Went to university ... COV-19 had to work on weekends and take care of my little brother cuz my mom has to work and he could not go to kindergarden + i suffer from SAD and other depressions i completle lost will to study + there was now way to for me to do practice in companies etc... Bought car ... lots of malfunctions poped up. My mom wants me out of the house cuz I am adult (23y) and according to her i should go to live with my gf or find my self a flat but my gf lives with her parents and grandpa and flats are suuuuper expensive here where i live.... Even in video games I am super unlucky ... my only luck is my gf she is super amazing... but we both have same problem ...we feel like we are out of luck cuz we both almost died as newborns but somehow we are still here... but sometimes i wish i died and do not have to live in this shit af world...power sex and money hungry world ... I hate my life soooo much ... only feel good when I am with her but then we both get fucked by world and just everything. Unlucky ...,Depression +12405,"For the past three years I have been alone working. Working out, studying, maintaining relationships, staying alive, planning my future. I have done it all alone. Of course there were people in my life who did some forms of help, but I always have to clean up after there mess. Its been three fucking years and I still have not have time for rest. I know this is like it for everyone but i just really cannot push myself to care anymore. My family pretends as if they know what is best for me and constantly pushes me over to follow their directions. Every time they fuck me over, first they want me to go to elite schools knowing the racial climate in those areas. They then act as if I had them do all the work and use my accomplishments to brag to their shitty friends. When not in public they berate me with insults calling me lazy, selfish, idiotic, disappointing. If I do something not on their terms then they act as if I personally hurt them. I remember in third grade I had gotten a C in some stupid class, my mother told me to my face that if I was born white she would have happily chosen them to be their son. My dad watched her say that, but he never denied it. I was never a person to them, only luggage. I fear that its becoming that way with my friends too. When we would call and talk they all seem uninterested when I am around. My best friend even just leaves to talk with other people when I become boring. I hate myself. I cannot even talk to people anymore. I just want my friends again. I do not want to be alone anymore. This year Ill be a senior in a new high school. If I kill myself no one would even remember my name. Every friend I have had would forget about me when they become adults. I do not know what to do anymore. Is there even a point to continue living when no one even gives a shit about me? Should I kill myself?",Suicidal +12406,is anyone here knowledgeable in psychology? Hello,Suicidal +12407,"So I have got admission in a university but its not that good and there are exams coming ain few days which If I got good marks in could get me a much better uni. The problem is I do not have any motivation at all. Whenever I think of it I just feel like I should kill myself for just dissapper, stop existing. My mother and father keeps saying me to study but I just feel so empty and it feels like my future is foggy. I do like to learn cyber security and wants to learn as I want graduate in this field and I know if I study for the exam I will have better future but I just cannot. It feels like something is weighing me down like something feels heavy in my chest . I do not know what I should do. Evenone around me is like you should clear this exam and that and I feel like I m just a disappointment. If I try to share my feelings there is noone who will listen to me. My mother's says stop making her worry. My father and I do not have that good of relationship amd my brother also says depressing stuff about himself but says me to do this and that. I always have to motivate my brother and wherever there is fight between my father and mother I have to get involved so that it does not result into violence, which used to happen. My mother always says she is living with my father just because so that I can get a good job so that we can live happily then but it just makes me feel even more guilty. What should I do, I feel so lost. I do not even have courage to kill myself and just always says I should die or just dissappear. Even my brother says things like if I die you will have to become successful so that mother can live happily and I always motivate him but there is noome who I can share this feeling. Everyone just dismisses my feelings. I understand everyone has his burden and when I think of this I feel ashamed of myself for being like thus. If you have read this far I am grateful as this is a huge thing for me. Due to hesitation even if I want to I cannot share my feelings wtih anyone face to face but just knowing someone read this is enough for me. Thx a lot I m confused what should I do",Suicidal +12408,I do not feel any happiness neither do i feel sad. It is just well i guess nothingness. It feels kind of strange i guess. I used to be just normal but now i do not know what i feel like. Not saying that i am depressed but.,Depression +12409,I fucking hate it here. I want to go. But I do not want my boyfriend to be sad. I do not know. I wish I did this sooner.. Blechhhh,Suicidal +12410,A smoke filled skyGolden red sunsetIn the most and choking hazeSits a man with a smouldering cigaretteLooking down in a soaker dazeTo a group of ember and ashAlong this broken wayNot many lastA red sun cast a haze of yellow Sunrise of early springOn a road of snow or ashLays a bird with a broken wingA tale of kings misfortune the bird singsA fourth a third a voice like stringsA chorus the single bird singsMeet the man under the lampSoot stained suit wet and dampTaken his outstretched handTogether forsaken into another land Wildfire,Suicidal +12411,"Therapy is so expensive, and it is completely unpredictable if the therapist will even be able to healthily provide for your needs and personality. I had a therapist who was shit, she rambled too much about her own life and gave me toxic advice. But I thought that there was no way out, and three year later I am still struggling. Everyone tells you to go to therapy as if its free, even I have done that at times. Every time I crave the thought of therapy and feel like I desperately need it, I think about the price, and I am immediately pulled off. I want to go to therapy, but the price feels like an obstacle that you need to constantly pass.I get that people have to make livelihoods, but I have to pay more than quadruple what my age group can make in an hour to just talk about my feelings and for them to tell me stuff I already know. When people say that money does not make happiness, think about therapy. I have done hours of research trying to find a cheaper therapist, but the cheapest I found is like 35. Why does therapy cost so much, but the advice to do it is thrown everywhere?",Depression +12412,"My spine is messed up (disc protrusion) and doctors say it is too mild to risk spine surgery, but nevertheless it hurts 24/7, I have been in constant pain for years at this point. It cannot be fixed by massage, excersise or stretching. Usually I am quite used to it, but there are times I am just so sick and frustrated about it. I believe it also contributes greatly to my depression. MAKE IT GO AWAY, FUCK! IT HURTS ALL THE TIME I am in constant pain and I grow really tired of it",Depression +12413,if it kills me great. if it does not I will be in enough physical pain that I will either be distracted from the mental pain or it will push me to actually do the deed myself. either way win win. want to get hit by a car?,Suicidal +12414,I am paranoid can someone help Paranoid,Suicidal +12415,Being on the verge of tears and in a pit of despair can really suck. And having no energy and focus is not a party either. What do you guys think? What is worse? Sometimes I do not mind feeling numb.,Depression +12416,"I have this ocd type thing (i do have un-diagnosed ocd tho bc every morning i have to do these habits like think of sounds i dislike before i can start my day or i cannot focus, trying to get over it right now) but whenever something small happens i ruin my whole day over it and then from thinking my day is ruined it actually gets ruined and i wish i could go back in time and not make the 2nd mistake. here is an example from today. I woke up early made a coffee but somehow managed to fall back asleep until 3. then i spend an hour complaining about how my day was ruined then me and my girlfriend got into an argument over something dumb and she stormed out and now my day is for real ruined, now i wish i could go back in time and id be fine with waking up at 3. its a cycle. what is wrong with me",Depression +12417,"I have been lying to almost everyone around me. I am not okay. I do not like my therapist and I am worried if I talk about how I really feel I will get committed to an inpatient facility. I keep going back and forth on having days that are good and then really bad and the stupidest things set me into a spiral. I feel anxious all the time and I do not love much of myself anymore. I have no energy to exercise to try and feel better about my body and I just want to kind of, stop. Like I do not want to die I just do not really want to go through the day to day anymore. My feelings do not even make sense to me because I have a wonderful partner, an amazing job, a great place to live, and wonderful fur babies that love me. I just feel like those around me would be better off if I just never came into their lives.. I have not been okay for a long time",Depression +12418,"Feeling really depressed, I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have tried rTrazodone, Lexapro, bupropion, and Venlafaxine.I also try taking walks for 3, watching motivation speech videos. but nothing works.Also I cannot stop thinking about suicide, my suicide thought have progress to the point I spend everyday planning kill myself, and I must say I actually did a bunch of research on how to die and I have found some outstanding ideas. Very depressed",Suicidal +12419,I cannot take it anymore I am tired of bring abused and living. I wish I had never been born. I did not ask to come into this world or stay alive JUST LET ME DIE Make it end,Depression +12420,"anyone else has this? I am so used to feeling shit that it became normal and i did not realise that i was feeling really shit at the timeAnd then when i have a better phase and feel not as depressed i realise how bad i was doing before and how dark everything was. I only realise how bad I am doing when I am having a ""good"" phase.",Depression +12421,"I am in an increasingly bad mental state. I just moved to Austin, Texas a few months ago with my girlfriend and things have been spiraling out of control for the both of us and I am starting to feel there is no fixing things. I am terrified of being alone, I have social anxiety, and I have become too dependent on her which has taken its toll on her mental health. I am facing repeated thoughts of just wanting my life to be over, I am so tired of feeling like such a worthless piece of garbage, I am tired of feeling so alone all the time and that nobody cares. I have debated trying to OD on my seroquel, or OD on drugs like cocaine, I really wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I do not know anyone here, my girlfriend wants to leave me, I am just a fucking mess and I hate myself so god damned much.I am trying to do the right thing, I have been getting denied insurance coverage for TMS and EDMR therapies to deal with my mental illness and the longer it gets drawn out the worse things have been getting. I am tired, I just want to be loved, and I do not even love myself, how can I?? My mom died of suicide at a far younger age than I am now, and I also think I just wish so much that I could be with her. If she was still here my life would not have turned out so shitty, I would not have had to deal with emotional abuse and neglect from my other family members after she died, I would not be a fucking alcoholic addict that cannot handle just day to day living.What sucks the most is that I know what I am capable of, I know I am an intelligent person with a good job, but this depression, this trauma, this anxiety, it makes me step in my own way and I am losing that battle a little bit more every single day. I know I am the only one who can truly overcome this, but in actuality, I do not think I am capable. I do not know what the tipping point will be but it feels like its getting close, I am one tragic event away from just blowing my brains out. Nobody would even know, I do not want people to mourn me when I die, if I felt otherwise, I would be much further off from suicide. I am so far from home, my girlfriend does not love me or want to be with me anymore, I have no friends here, I am like a literal fucking ghost. I have two cats and a dog at home that I love so much, but my girlfriend would care for them if I were gone, she loves those animals to death.I am running out of reasons to stay alive and it is scaring the hell out of me. Inching Closer and Closer to Ending it All",Suicidal +12422,"To start i do not know how to start. I am writing just to get out of my own head. As far as i can remember there has always been a hole in me. I know insert joke here. But seriously i have to fake emotions on a daily bases. let us be clear i can feel feelings but two is all i have. Sadness and anger. But because of this need to belong i try to be more human but end up slipping up and going into self destructive mood. I have screwed up time and time again. And in the wake of my destruction i hurt my family not with physical abuse but because of my actions i keep them at arms length at all times never allowing them to see the real me. I lie, cheat and steal. I have had and still have a addiction problem which helps self medicate my mood swings and depression. My earliest memories from where this void started was when i was 8 or 9. A friend hung himself accidentally with a swing set chain. I was not strong enough to left him up and out. Each time i could manage to pick him up the weight of his body dropped and the chain got tighter. He did not die. A neighbor heard me scream and rushed to save him. I will never forget the feeling of hopelessness that creep into me that day. I was not the hero here that i thought one day i would become. From there on years turned into decades and that feeling of self worth i lost became to much to bear. For a time being i felt comfort in an older women but was ultimately taking advantage of. At 15 i was sleeping with a married 35yr old women who just like me was broken. But broken in a different way. Her husband was dying and i guess we both used each other to one extant to an other to feel a quick sense of release. A release of stress and sadness but it was fleeting and to avoid her misconduct she tried to pin everything on me. Telling friends and coworkers i was stalking her. Which was further then the case. My closet friends laughed and believe every drop of bull shit she came up with. My friends i thought know my character better and would have stuck up with me. But they did not and in the end her husband came into the restaurant we both worked and told my boss and coworkers the truth. My friends apologize and said they should have know better, bah bah. But all i felt was that void grow bigger with every mustered up excuses they had to justify their betrayal. If you just told us one of them said. Sure that would have made everything better. Dear such and such i have been screwing or 35 manager on the weekends at work. What do not believe me? that is weird. To tell the truth i did not much believe it either and i was the one getting banged. that is when a switch turned off and i started to numb the emptiness with pot and pills. that is the most i can write today. I feel alittle better and less crazy. Ill write more later on. I did beat the battle of drugs and depression for a while. But the war is always on going. Thank you for letting me vent. Trust me more will follow There and back again. An manic tale",Depression +12423,"I do not even know what to write here or where to start..Excuse for my English proficiency as its not my first language.For the past 5 years I had toxic parents and I have been in toxic relationships. My way of thinking about life, my will and reasoning were drastic and still are. The way I dealt with deppresion were drugs, cutting my wrist, risking life while walking on the edge of a building. A few years ago I tried to drown myself underneath the ice, hoping that I would not find the exit if I decided to live ( as I was almost drowning I found fisherman's hole through which I was able to break through and survive )I would not call myself dumb as I have created a few businesses (which failed eventually as I did not invest enough time and money) and now work as a programmer in a company which pays me good, but I failed my native language exams. I will not get my diploma and I will not enroll in the university. My mom recently went into psychosis which is not getting better. it is really hard to decide how I feel about that as I hated her most of my life, but we had our moments. My dad seems depressed too, I have two younger sisters and it is really hard to see him and I struggle to take care of them. I keep failing my driving exams. When taking them I start to feel really anxious and just stop the exam as my clutch leg starts ticking uncontrollably.I cannot stop thinking about suicide and my morality about it. I know that I have to support the family, live for my friends too, but it just overwhelms me.Now at nights I just drug myself until I pass out while listening to music and it is the only way I can keep my thoughts away from suicide. I have tried a few psychologist, they did not really help me. I do not know what to do. it is so hard to stay alive.I just wanted to, I dunno, share my pain or just talk to someone. I am trying to help myself. I am loosing it",Suicidal +12424,"No matter if I am doing reasonably ""okay"" in the sense that I can do basic tasks, if I ever see a photo of myself, it ruins me completely. I saw a photo of me from a party and all I could think was how absolutely disgusting I am. I do not think I deserve to be around other people, ruining their photos and just making everything ugly. I wish, more than anything, that I could get plastic surgery, but I cannot afford it. Even if I could, I do not think my face is salvageable. All of my features are just so damn ugly.I am an 18 year old woman, and the only times I have even kissed people have been when we are both extremely drunk. Nobody has ever expressed any interest in me when we are sober. I wish I could be having relationships, like other people my age are, but I am just completely undesirable. I cannot blame anyone for not being attracted to me.I do not want to live when this is what life is for me. Please do not tell me any platitudes like ""you cannot be that ugly"" or ""there is someone for everyone"" etc. I am sick of people pretending. I am a waste of breath and space, I cannot even work a minimum wage job because of my anxiety, and I have gotten ridiculously bad ""help"" from the NHS for depression and anxiety. I hate being alive so, so much and I wish I could just die quickly and painlessly. I hate my appearance so much and it makes living unbearable.",Suicidal +12425,"My parents separated when I was 9 and since then everything went wrong. My childhood cat and my grandpa died a few months later. I felt sad almost everyday and cried almost every night. A year later I went in primary school and things got even worst. I started having social anxiety which made me miss a lot of my classes. I also had difficulties at my new school even tho I used to be quite good in my old school. I was 11 back then and thought a lot about suicide but I knew I still had hope for the future. Because of my bad grades my parents took me to a specialised center to discover what was going on with my brain. We then discovered I was gifted which made me feel even worse about myself, as I could not understand why I had bad grades if I was supposed to have so much ease. My grades went extremely down and my mental health did too. I still had friends but life was not really good. My parents then tried to find solutions to that problem. I was disgusted of where I was living and wanted to start everything back from 0. So my parents and I thought it would be a good idea to move to another country that speaks another language ( do not ask me why even I do not know how stupid we were to choose that option ).I have then tried everything in that new country but nothing worked. After multiple years of sadness and stress I was officially diagnosed with severe depression and social anxiety by a psychiatrist. At that point I was not even going to school anymore and I started homeschooling which did not work because of my anxiety. We also tried medication for multiple months which made my depression even worst than before. I am now 16, doing nothing scholar. Stressed, sad, angry and lonely with no friends, at thousand of kilometres of my dad. And I cannot find anything to do to stop that constant pain, other than killing myself. I have no more hope. I have almost lived longer in pain than happy.",Suicidal +12426,"that is one thing I learned through the years. People do not care. They just want you to seem strong. Kill yourself slowly and in silence and they will not care. Be strong, but not really, just make others think you are",Suicidal +12427,"I am not stupid. I am super lucky. I have got a beautiful wife, 2 kids under 3, a mortgage and a steady job I have had for nearly 10 years - and I just turned 30. I am not supposed to feel like shit all the time. I am not supposed to have suicide ideation every second day. I am not supposed to get to the point I did this week where I nearly jumped off a multi story car park. So why is it that all the good things just feel like meet distractions and when the world slows down enough I just immediately think about ending it all? Why do I react negatively to everything as a first response, putting unwanted strain on my relationships and reinforcing this idea that I am a burden to those around me? I see a lot of posts of people who have shit situations on here, and I understand completely why you feel the way you feel. I just feel guilty for feeling the same way when by all counts I should not. But I do. I am still not sure I will not just turn around and hang myself I have got a lot to be thankful for. So why do I still want to end it all?",Suicidal +12428,"My mother tells me there is an absent glare in my eyes again, that she is losing that once was her little girl. Although I am at one of my lowest moments, a part of me feels at ease. I do not know how else to describe it. My mind feels sharper, deep in thought. I have motivation to write, whether or not it makes sense. I can write for hours. Not necessarily poems or stories but words that I cannot vocalise. It all comes out at once, so freely. I just want my voice to be heard. I feel like a part of me has gone and I do not know whether I want it back.",Depression +12429,"I have different reasons to say that.I have had depression for years now, I am currently 21, going 22 in a few months, I am on medication and I talk to a psychologist.I have been hospitalized once and I was going crazy there, you had literally nothing to do there with all kinds of crazy people all around and I do not want to go back there.So my issues are that I pretty much have no irl friends, a partner is literally impossible for me to get one, I have social anxiety especially after some people beat me up for no reason at all (they live where I live), I dropped out of school different times and i have not finished it yet, I suck at everything that I do, even with the things that I like such as videogames (I have 5500+ hours on a game alone and I am so inconsistent) and speaking English which is not my native language , I have a job now but I suck at it even though I just have to clean some stuff which is supposed to be easy, boring but easy to do. I thought about ADD or brain fog but nobody seems to be able to help me, i apparently do not have any of those so I am just really stupid and I hate myself for that since it is not fixable. I tend to stutter a lot on the worst days and I just do not even want to speak sometimes and I cannot even talk to somebody sometimes because my brain will not work and I just do not know what to say some days.I just suck at life, nobody likes me, I am really ugly and this is just not worth living, I do not even want to kill myself, I wish i were not even born at all. I might have missed some things and typed so many typos but that is all I can do I am a failure of a human being",Depression +12430,"I wanted to end myself so many times I cannot even count. Couple times i wanted do it for real. I even made advanced preparation once. I am still here and I hate the fact I am still here. Wish i was dead but I am to much of a coward to end myself.Thought that maybe if I stop posting focus on some other things I can be better with time. That I can distract myself. Well I am only getting worse. I think about suicide every single day, every single hour. Only emotions I feel are anger and sadness. Sometimes i cannot even control myself, things I do or say. I can hate everything and everybody only to feel extreme saddness after couple minutes. Only constant is that I feel like a piece of shit all the time.Drinking helps a little but only for short period of time. The more drunk I am the more depressed i become. I miss times when i was happy and wanted to party after drinking.I do not want to talk about my reasons. They are pathetic and if somebody is curious my post history is open.I cannot keep on living like this. I want to be dead. that is the only thing i want. I almost got hit by a car this week and wish it was almost. Wish i was not coward and ended this already. There is no point in staying alive. Being alive only makes me suffer. I hate the world we live in and the world hates me. This world wants me to kill myself and I am not strong enough to keep on fighting forever. I am here again. Wish I was not(this way or another)",Depression +12431,Currently at uni have not been able to make friends due to covid and I just have not done anything with anyone for about 2 years now and it is so soul destroying like i have tried going though online social things and all that and nothing has worked out. I just have started thinking I am suppose to be alone at this point I just hate not being able to make friends,Depression +12432,Its been about 2 years of constant self harm thoughts and I am tired of it I wish there was a way to stop thoughts of self harm,Suicidal +12433,"I wanted to end myself so many times I cannot even count. Couple times i wanted do it for real. I even made advanced preparation once. I am still here and I hate the fact I am still here. Wish i was dead but I am to much of a coward to end myself. Thought that maybe if I stop posting focus on some other things I can be better with time. That I can distract myself. Well I am only getting worse. I think about suicide every single day, every single hour. Only emotions I feel are anger and sadness. Sometimes i cannot even control myself, things I do or say. I can hate everything and everybody only to feel extreme saddness after couple minutes. Only constant is that I feel like a piece of shit all the time. Drinking helps a little but only for short period of time. The more drunk I am the more depressed i become. I miss times when i was happy and wanted to party after drinking. I do not want to talk about my reasons. They are pathetic and if somebody is curious my post history is open. I cannot keep on living like this. I want to be dead. that is the only thing i want. I almost got hit by a car this week and wish it was almost. Wish i was not coward and ended this already. There is no point in staying alive. Being alive only makes me suffer. I hate the world we live in and the world hates me. This world wants me to kill myself and I am not strong enough to keep on fighting forever. I am here again. Wish I was not(this way or another)",Suicidal +12434,"When I get depressed I want, I NEED to be anywhere but home! And I hate it because my mind wakes up bright and early and the first thing I think about it okay time to get ready let us figure out where I am going to go.. when I literally have my own house ): I cannot be alone I need to be surrounded by people Being home makes me depressed",Depression +12435,"there is something morbidly comforting in doing it Does anyone else plan their own funeral? I am talking about picking the music, the venue, the flowers, the casket, the slideshow, etc.",Depression +12436,I am sorry I just cannot take it anymore Everyone would be happier if I died,Suicidal +12437,I got this gun from my grandpa because he died. Anyways I ruined my chances by wasting all the bullets with it. Ironically when I was shooting it it was the most fun I have had in a while now it is just back to the sadness. Ruined my chance.,Suicidal +12438,"I do not want to continue living this life. I am 22 and have no connection to my family, no friends, and am struggling to survive in a new state after escaping an abusive foster father. Old friend slept with him, they took off to Florida. Biological mother is in and out of the prison system and I was just told she is recently been using meth. Father just does not care about me. The lack of guidance, social, emotional and physical support is killing me. I have been to low places before but suicide seems so normal and comforting at this moment in my life. Things are continually and have always been difficult since childhood, if suffering is temporary when do things become easy? I want to shove scissors in my arm and call it a life. Please help. Lost and overwhelmed.",Suicidal +12439,"I try so hard to be happy. For me, for my family for my friends. But I cannot. I am jealous of my friends being happy in their lives but I am also happy for them. I cannot even tell them how much I am suffering inside because everyone is getting their happiness except me. I am just done. it is not working out.",Depression +12440,"Just like everyone else here, I wish I was dead. Ugh",Suicidal +12441,"I have been prescribed 10mg lexapro that I have been taking everyday at 11am since January of this year. In the last couple of weeks I forgot to take it a couple of days in a row. I think last week I took it maybe once. I forgot to take it again today but took one yesterday. I feel a slight increase in hunger when on it but feel fine when I am not taking it. Should I just take advantage of the situation and stop taking it? Will I have a relapse? Or should I start taking it regularly again? I have not been taking my antidepressant but I feel fine, should I just stop?",Depression +12442,Just tired of talking an knowing I am f up Anyone living in New york,Suicidal +12443,i reeeeally want to off myself but i always end up backing out of it i wish i was not such a coward about it I am tired of being here,Suicidal +12444,"I am honestly not doing so fucking hot. I have not been doing so hot for the past 8 months. I really do not know what is going on with me. At first I thought it was burnout from uni....but now I have a feeling that uni was my form of escapism, and now that I am graduated, I just feel like shit. I was an emotional mess back in April, and now I just feel numb. I still overly care about people and important things, but my mood has been so static. I am not happy anymore, I am not sad anymore, I am just....there? I am just so beyond tired. Past 5 years was so intense, with both school and personal stuff. I am an overachiever, my cGPA is a near 4.0, grad school is not too far. Career wise, life is good. I am at my prime, and I feel so confident in that. But in this year alone a close friend and my sibling were both suicidal. First dude I ever truly liked turned out to also be similar, and that led me to being a codependent chaser. My parents barely were able to pay their mortgage due to unemployment. My dads health has been steadily declining. My PCOS has shattered my self image and worth. My sibling and parents fight constantly. My parents fight with each other constantly. What are the fucking odds- every year I tell myself that the next year is going to be better, and I end up disappointing myself. Like, I can never catch a break. And literally I do not know anything about personal boundaries. I am so quick to commit to being there for people, but I have realized that I am never there for myself. Apparently caring too much about others is a trauma response, and that totally makes sense. Being the eldest daughter in a dysfunctional immigrant family, I learned from a young age to set myself aside for others. Being a therapist, peacemaker, tutor, caretaker for my family members and all that. And now- I just feel like I am passing my threshold of tolerance. And what is so fucked up about all of this is that I am on track to becoming a physician- I have to want to care for people. But I know that if I continue like this, I am going to end up probably yeeting myself before I even finish training. I need to be there for myself for a bit, but a night of simple self-care makes me feel beyond guilty. I feel so fucking lonely, but I want to be left alone more than anything. I am so fucking sick of shit, but I have to push through. I am trying so hard to keep a mental grip, but all I want to do is cry. Fuck, I need a hug. vent",Depression +12445,"When I am depressed I feel like the things I am thinking about are not why I am depressed, it is just what my brain needs to do to rationalize why I am so sad. Right now I am thinking about the way I look which is kind of nice because it is not that serious. I feel like my brain has latched onto worse things. I am just wondering what the best things to feel bad about is? Best thing to think about while depressed?",Depression +12446,"I think I may have had depression for the last 2 1/2 years but its taken me until now to realise just how bad things have got.From the outside I can imagine it looks like I have the perfect life - I am married, have two healthy and intelligent kids, have a lovely house, and a better than average income but I married someone who does not have the same outlook on life as me. I want to laugh at things and myself when things go wrong, I want to chat nonsense over a glass of wine but mad hes got older everything has become more serious to him. We rarely laugh together and if I ever dare to laugh at something hes done it turns into an argument.My work life is awful and I barely sleep the night before my first work day each week. we have gone through an enormous amount of change over the last couple of years and I have just had news that Ill be having to work for someone who actively dislikes me and who I have no respect for simply to help progress her career (this is a step down for me). I have made many poor choices recently and have relied far to heavily on alcohol to see me through but its the thoughts of killing myself that have really scared me. They start the end of last year but they pop into my head more and more regularly. The only things that makes me realise its a bad idea is thinking of my children. I list my dad (to natural causes) at 25 and I know how hard that was for me as an adult so Id never want my kids to go through that but it all just seems so terribly pointless and I feel emotionally numb for so much of my time. I am trying to find a new job but these things take time and I am struggling to stay positive as well as try to at least she confident, even if inside I feel like I have failed at everything. I am a bad wife, a bad mum, a bad friend and a bad employee. I just do not know how to shake this for long enough to make enough of a change that Ill start to be the person I was.Please help New here - please be gentle",Depression +12447,"Years of bad experiences, emotional abuse, yelling, bullying at school, isolation and mental illness made me like this.I believe my issues are so deep rooted that I will never recover, I have been in therapy for a while and now I started taking meds but I am so sick of living this way.I think I will never be able to have a normal life. I feel too damaged to recover",Suicidal +12448,"My lifestyle should be indicative of someone who is happy. Exercise regularly, work, eat well, read, go for long walks etc. yet I never ever just get that feeling of feeling good, that is the best way I can describe it. I sometimes am distracted by the deep feeling of meaninglessness that life is but it always returns, there is nothing I want in life, sex, drugs, money do not do anything for me, I do not want kids or marriage. Drink, drugs, sex, money none of it makes me happy when it comes along when it would have years ago. there is no relief. do not ever feel good",Depression +12449,Wtf is wrong with my brain I do not understand it does not stop Fucking stop just stop why does not it stop,Suicidal +12450,"I am quite functional, I go to work and take care of myself and the apartment. The thing that bothers me most is the amount of sleep I need to get through the day. I sleep like a baby at night, anywhere from 8-10 hours but still I need a two hour nap after work. I cannot function if I do not have my daytime shut-eye. Do any of you suffer from excessive sleeping? I got my blood work done and nothing was wrong. How much do you guys sleep?",Depression +12451,"Everything seems so stress free. it is like you know you are covered, anything you do can be erased by comitting suicide. it is almost scary how easy it all seems, I do not want to feel this way anymore Life seems easier when you rule suicide as a possible ending",Depression +12452,"I am someone who has struggled with low self esteem, perfectionism and passiveness all my life. But I always put it away, finding escapism on the internet or things like a fandom. Not thinking about those insecurities, not thinking about myself. Only thinking about how things might be better in the future, but not thinking about me in the present moment. I am good at putting on a smile and feeling fine for a moment (and sometimes I can feel good when being more active), but somehow I think I not only tricked others but sometimes also myself. But honestly: are you really okay when you are spending hours and hours doing nothing a day? Not doing anything? And just hating yourself both outside and inside? Just somewhat existing but that is it. I have only had two therapy sessions so far to cope with my negative self-image (and compulsive tendencies), and it is like finally it clicked with me HOW unhappy and lost I am. No you are not ""fine"" just because you are not suicidal. it is hard but I think I am getting to a point where I am realising that I am fucking insecure and that my life is empty. Maybe realising this will be a turning point.Every summer I feel incredibly lonely. While everyone is off having fun, I basically let two months pass by like it is nothing. I work, but other time is spent scrolling on the internet. Jealousy of others having fun comes over me, but I know ultimately it is down to me never asking my friends to do something, I think because I am afraid they really do not want to spend time with me in the end. I can be social and outgoing when I am in class, but once I come home I feel empty and I spend the rest of my day on my own in my own head. Lately I have really come to terms with the fact that yes, I fucking struggle mentally. it is like every summer I realise that yes, I do feel fucking lonely. I have friendships but they are superficial and I never really know how to voice my insecurities and thoughts with them. I miss meaningful friendships in my real life. I have lost friendships and it is totally due to my own lack of assertiveness. it is not that I did something wrong, but I just did ""nothing"". I do really hate myself for certain decisions I have made and not putting more effort in my life, but I also do not know where to start.it is like finally I am realising for myself that I am lost, I do not have it all together and I do not have to pretend I do because I cannot keep fooling myself. I am disappointed with myself and I am not really coping with how unsatisfied I am with my life. And it frustrates me to no end that I see people being busy and happy but that I feel constantly as I am missing that one thing that can make me like these people. I want to change so bad and be better, live normally. But I do not know how. It sounds weird, but I am done pretending to be fine and accept my depressive feelings (to work on them).",Depression +12453,In 24 hours I am going to be homeless . I have money to find a new place its just that the marker sucks right now. Because of the pandemic I lost my job and now my shitty landlord is kicking me out . I cannot even fight to stay because the situation is that hostile and mentally depleting . I have been binge drinking and dealing with anxiety and depression . Its all finally sinking in and I feel like I cannot breathe . I hate my life. And I absolutely have no one Homelessness and over it !,Depression +12454,"there is something, there is a problem but I do not know what I am suffering from. I wish there was a way to just understand I do not understand what is wrong with me",Suicidal +12455,I JUST want to GO HOME I just want to go home,Suicidal +12456,"I am very jealous of people who can draw. I really want to learn to do it, but there is something, pulling me from behind, saying stuff like ""lol idiot, you think you can learn to draw? you are pathetic, you cannot, you are too late! Everybody around you started way before you and you missed your chance! you will never learn to draw! And what if you do? it is not like you will have time with your shitty future job! If you had started early maybe you would have been better at it! And also, you are just perverted and when you even try to draw everybody will think that. You just want to draw women, you sick fuck"" I feel late",Depression +12457,"When I was growing up, being abused, my parents always told me if I ran away I would not have a place to come back to. I knew they meant it, so I stayed and planned my escape. When I told them I was moving out on my own at 19 my moms exact words were, you are never going to make it. When I brought this up to her in my 30s, she said she never said that. When my dad hit me, my mom told him not to, but not because I am a person. Because, they will take them away (cps). I am thinking about taking my friends gun this weekend and finally doing this. I fought my whole life to win this battle, yet I am still alone and suicidal. FUCK THIS. Memories",Suicidal +12458,"here is my brief story :During my childhood I was very discret and I did not have a lot of friands. Until 13 girls never talked to me because I was not the cool guy who ran fast, I was rather the quiet kid. During middle school I had some friends but no girls seemed to like me. So I convince myself girls should not like me. Probably because I am ugly. But in first year of high school, I fell in love for a girl. And after 1 year, she and I started a relationship. I was really really happy, but 2 months after, she left me for no reason. And this is the beginning of my depression. During the first months, I have never gone outside my house, I have tried killing myself twice. I was totally depressed, I did not want to live anymore. A part of me has disappeared, and I have not found it yet. After 18 months, I feel better, but something is not the same since. I have no more self confidence. The self confidence I gained during my relationship disappears 2 months later. Now I am sure people cannot like me. But here is the problem. I really like a girl, but I know she is way out of my league. And I think she will reject me so I do not try anything. I do not know how. So I think I will be lonely forever, because I am too afraid. I think I will be lonely until the end",Depression +12459,"I met the love of my life 5 years ago. We broke up months ago. Now I cannot live anymore. I tried for months to get over, find new people etc. But the mind synergy that we had is impossible to find. She says she still loves but cannot get back because we hurted each other so bad. She feels stuck with me and want to live. The truth is I cannot live without her and I do not want to to be a burden. So I decided that my time has come. I think Sunday will be the day The only way out",Suicidal +12460,i thought it might help but i always fucking think that thren it gets worse. got i want to fucking cut myw writst open I am getting theropy but it dosent matter il still be alone and I am not willing to change it i do not have the will,Suicidal +12461,"I want to die, but I am afraid of killing myself Help",Suicidal +12462,"When i was a kid (4/5) my parents and my brother would yell at eachother everyday, some years later my dad divorced with my mom and after that the house is now inhabited by me, my mom and my brother and things got worse after the divorce.Now they yell at eachother for the most stupid things, my mom insults me, my brother sometimes insults me, sometimes they trow plates at eachother (fortunately enough they never got hurt while throwing them) and one time my brother breaked a glass with his hands and he needed to go to the hospital (i was forced to go with them even though i did not want to since i knew that they would yell at eachother in the car, and they did).My mom insults me for being an introvert, for my hobbies, she never taught me any basic thing and I am now trying to learn everything by myself, my brother makes me think that i am worthless and that i will not have a future.I just cannot stand this anymore, i have suicidal thoughts, i have social anxiety because of the insults and because they think that i am crazy for being an introvert, i sometimes self harm and when I am working to reach my dream(being a an indie game developer) i always think that i will never be able to reach it since i always think that i am worthless.I just cannot stand this anymore. I just cannot stand this anymore",Suicidal +12463,"I had friends, I got lots. I have long friendships and short friendships, but everyone of them is transactional. The moment I change any aspect they leave, they take what they want and leave. Now I have nothing.My life is empty and there is no reason to live it. Why have friends if they just use you",Suicidal +12464,I have been struggling lately with daily life tasks. Any hurdle as small as it is when executing daily life tasks can make me breakdown. Sorry for the english. But I do not have energy to check and double check. it is too much like everything. I put a lot of effort to get a good job a good life in a nice place but still struggling. I get angry disgusted from people's behaviors from how hard every task is. Cooking everyday cleaning washing clothes while keep focus on work and checking taxes paperwork keeping a smiling face when people talk to you. I have no interests i find everything dull and stupid how people get excited about products events. All those self discovery stuff while people on the other side of the planet are dying from bombs and hunger and while their neighbor is dying from cancer from the bad processed food our society has produced. You do not even know what to eat these days. I am overwhelmed stressed. Who am I ? Is what I am doing good? What next? What now? ...... So many questions so much uncertainty..... I am overwhelmed Overwhelmed by simplest things,Depression +12465,I have learned to accept that my dad and I just do not get along. It used to make me feel really depressed and cry about how I am a disappointment and it felt like it was my fault that I let him make me feel so bad about myself. Now I do not care. Hes a selfish asshole and its not my problem. I am going to stand up for myself and not let him scare me just because hes my dad. My dad and I do not get along,Depression +12466,"I have been severly depressed and suicidal for 2 months straight and today for just an hour or so I was watching some guy play this incredible piece on the piano and in the middle of watching it, I realised I did not feel like dying. That I actually was experiencing joy and for a couple of seconds there I was not numb, like for a couple of seconds I felt something.... feel what it was like to be a normal human again, how I missed this! I cannot even begin to explain. Hope in the depths of despair",Depression +12467,"I am doing it tonight. I am ending my life. I am confident that I will not bitch out. All I have left to do now is take the pills and lie down in bed. I might play some music or something, maybe it will make it more peaceful. I will not write a note, nobody will care to read it anyway. I am planning to funish off this bottle of vodka, and if anyone feels like talking. I would like to have someone to talk to as I dri mk. Thank you. Getting drunk part 2",Suicidal +12468,She was the thing I worried about most when I considered killing myself. If she would be okay. But now she is gone. My cat died.,Suicidal +12469,I have lost it. I am cutting myself. slapping myself. punching myself. banging my head against everything. I have lost it. I have lost it. I am doing everything to hurt myself.,Suicidal +12470,"I am going to start this off by saying I have had anxiety my whole life, so it is not new to me, but it is been horrific this past year. It used to be situational and then it would go away, but now it is all the time. I am scared all the time. I really like someone and they do not live here and it is extremely hard for me. It gives me mountains of anxiety thinking of them with someone else, and I cannot stop thinking about it. I am convinced they like someone else and I just want to die. I am so jealous and so scared that they are going to leave me and stop being my friend and I am going to lose them forever. I do not see any point of living anymore. I am terrified that I am never going to get out of school and get a job and I am terrified that the rest of my life will be like this. I cannot enjoy anything. I am in desperate need of help",Suicidal +12471,i get sad when i wake up. id love to just sleep forever,Suicidal +12472,i feel drowsy all day. i really have to push myself to do things. it feels like I will faint any minute so driving is very risky but i have nobody to drive me around so i got to do it myself. but i feel sick af. i want to die because i feel physically sick on clozaril,Suicidal +12473,"I am 18 years old and I have not been sober more than three days in maybe two years. I dropped out of school, well got kicked out three times I was able to get a job when I was 16 but this kind of made getting drugs and alcohol easier, I do not see a reason to be sober but I want to because I am scared of the damage I am doing to myself. But at the same time I do not really care I do not see my life going anywhere I cannot act normal unless I am high or drunk I am way too young to be doing this everyday but at the same time this is really all I have I am trapped in a spiral and I do not really know how to get out. How do I stay sober?",Depression +12474,"I am so happy right now. After months and months of job searching and rejection after the extreme stress of interviews I got a job. I was originally rejected from this offer and it was literally the straw that broke the camels back. I was so fucking done. Since I quit my last job I was scarcely using my savings because I could not get unemployment. I figured Id never get a job and Id go broke and my man would leave me. I cannot feed my family, all my bills are late, family is calling me a loser and a disappointment. I was so drained. I still am and I still want to die but I have to cancel my august plans to kill myself because FINALLY I have a chance. Just thought Id post some hopeful news because I know there is others out there struggling with money and job searching too. I was literally rejected and they called me back weeks later. Alexa, cancel my plans to kill myself",Suicidal +12475,"You are not alone, trust me. We all face our hardships, we each have our own individual struggles and issues. We may feel alone, not loved, and gotten to the point where suicide/self-harm is the best solution. Well trust me, it is not. I have come a long way myself, as I am sure you guys have as well. We need to take it one step at a time. On my twitter, I post frequent motivational quotes and nice messages, with funny ones, and I am beginning to work on a massive group chat/server where everyone alike can realize they are not alone. They are loved and have a lot going for them even if they may not realize. I never had anyone, nor do I have anyone right now. I have come to the realization I will never have anyone, but that does not stop me from smiling, because helping others makes me smile. My goal is to help and prevent many people from falling in the endless blackhole that I have experienced. If anyone is interested, lmk :)If we never meet again, just know you are an amazing person and you need to realize time is the best medicine. It is not easy to let go of things, but accepting it and using to move forward is the best we can do. This applies to anyone facing any hardships or struggles. Yes you",Depression +12476,"I feel so stupid and horrible for how I feel today how mean I was to a friend.My friends helped me so much though my depression and got me out to my hips. They were there for talking, crying and advice.But I am angry at them, I envy them I want them to feel miserable like me to understand how much I suffer because of my loneliness and our now mostly distance relationships. (living in different city's)(I live alone since I was 16, I went home for 4 year when I was twenty but nobody cared about my emotions there too, so I moved out to flee the toxic environment and parents. Now I live alone again for like 5 years.I could never build deep connections because I did not had one and my parents and some old friends made sure I learn not to trust people.Making friends was hard and the best thing in my life. I would do everything for them after they were there for me when my family was not. I cannot complain I thought.) But here I am angry at them that they all have a sweetheart in there life, who they can share the problems, beeing there for each other when they are feeling down, someone who cares for me them when they are sick.And I need to do all of this on my own, while having depression, anxiety, sucking at the job and struggling to keep everything together. Now I am lying sick here and wishing for nothing more than someone is here.Every problem is crashing down, how I am unable to have a relationship, unable to manage my job, unable to manage my depression. Crying all day. I wrote so my bad things to my friends blaming her that she does not understand how I feel because she always have her guy. That she does not know how lonley and hurt I am.I mean what can she do. She lives 300km away.Ugh I do not want to be mad, but there is not other feeling today. I am so angry at her and I know this is stupid but I cannot put this envy. I want also someone but I am not able through all the scars and mistrust. Something my therapist said need years to heal after what I gone through. I am nearly 30, I clearly can give up having someone like her guy in my life. And it hurts so much to know it.Damn I do not want to hurt her for something like thisShe is not mad she understands but how can I be so angry at her.Ugh I want this feeling to stop. I want to stop crying. Anger and Envy",Depression +12477,"I have been meaning to talk about what is going on with my life (in the hopes that idk someone can help or confirm that my life should be at an end). For the past month now I think I have been shut off from my friends and family, delaying what needs to be done (aka suicide) and now that I am planning to do it (again) I am stuck trying to write my suicide note. I know that I need to do it to relieve my family's problem and stop this never ending cycle of getting better then shutting off then doing all over again (that is the best way I can say it ig ""shutting off"" because dk if it is a mental breakdown). I know I am never going to get better but my family still has hope and keeping that hope longer will only hurt them more because I know how this ends. It will be either I succeed this time because pills were not enough so this time will hopefully work because it is a rope or I fail and will be forced to therapy and maybe get better for a while then be back here again. I have tried everything medication, exercise, a stable diet, and therapy, but obviously it is not working so what is the point? I am forever stuck like this... things will never get better, the storm will never end, and I am wasting resources and time of the people who care about me. I know I have to write this suicide note I owe it to them. it is really difficult to write a suicide note",Depression +12478,I feel paralyzed. I have been in two places the past week: at my desk and in my bed. I cannot bring myself to do anything useful. I have not showered in days. I have not been outside in days. I cannot even bring myself to the kitchen for food. My husband keeps asking if I need anything. He cannot give me a new brain. All I do is sit and sleep and browse reddit for hours on end. What is the point of my existence if I am not capable of functioning? In a rut,Depression +12479,"Hi all! I could really use some advise. Thank you in advance to those who comment. :) Long-story-short, I feel trapped in unfulfilling office jobs that do not align with who I am as a person. Every day I go through some sort of existential crisis, and lately I have really been wondering what the purpose of life is. On top of this, USA's economic and societal climate really makes me depressed. Jobs I would *actually* be happy with would not pay a livable wage. Cost of living is too damn high, and greed is so rampant amongst corporations/rich people. Anyway, I have been working in my ""professional"" career for about 7 years now, but I still feel like a scared little girl when it comes to taking on responsibilities and talking to other people. All the information that comes my way at work does not stick. I do not have interest in retaining it, and it is really starting to bite me in the butt. My career motivation is tanked, and I feel very guilty about it - I know this is not who I really I am... Seriously, I can be a very driven and happy person! But especially lately I really just want to shut myself away. I want to quit, but bills need to be paid!So my question is: **how do I get out of this rutt and find fulfillment?** I have tried therapy, anti-depressants, career coaches, exercising, and eating well. I have also changed jobs a couple times, gone back to school for Master's, etc. But over time I sink back to these bad feelings. **How can I gain confidence in my job and skills? What will make me WANT to wake up everyday?** I miss the feeling of ""the world is my oyster"". The world is shit. Advise on Fulfillment?",Suicidal +12480,"a stereotypical skinny nerd smothered/strangled someone to death in the backseat of a car this way, in Astoria, in 2014. The nerd and the victim were both 17 years old. But I am asking if it is normal for the lower bodies of nerds to be that strong. If a stereotypical nerd locked me in a reverse figure four headscissor with the intent on killing me (like in the case I just mentioned), would I be able to break the hold before I suffocated? (I am not trained and average weight and height.) What if he was just cutting off air, not blood, giving me 2-3 minutes before I pass out? In the case I mentioned, his air was cut off causing him to suffocate. I am 20, female. If a stereotypical nerd wrapped his thighs around my neck and squeezed as hard as he could to strangle me, would I be able to break free before I suffocated?",Suicidal +12481,"I just wanted to write this for anyone who has not heard this today. I am proud of you. I am glad you woke up another day and fought another battle. Please remember you are loveable, I know people have made you feel like you are not but you are. You deserve to be loved and cared for. I am sorry that people have not or you feel as though no matter how much people try it will not be enough. I just want you to think about how far you have gotten, how far you have made it. You made it through all that suffering and are still going! Have a wonderful day Hey everyone!",Depression +12482,I am the biggest fucking bitch. I am an angry teddy bear with pillows for hands. And to top it off the only thing I can do is cut where no one can see because I do not want to be abandoned. I cannot do it. I know nobody here will help me do it and no one anywhere will want to but please do. I cannot live anymore. I am not going to put my girlfriend through this anymore. I have my gun literally in my hand but I cannot pull the trigger.,Suicidal +12483,I am 16 m have alot of stress and people having expectations off me. I work from 7 in the morning to 6 in the evening at a car workshop my colleagues are mean to me because I am still learning. And i have one friend who hangs out with a bigger group that all hate me for no reason so when we are hanging out they pull up and make fun of me and my friend does not want to interfere. I stole some of my dads booze and got drunk and am just crying in bed and really want to kill myself. please help me I am fucking tired,Suicidal +12484,Me and many others want me dead. Not everyone but more people than not. Why should not I? If more people want me dead than alive would not it make sense?,Suicidal +12485,I have decided I am just going to drink this morning. And I do not know if it will end up in me attempting or if I will just wake up at 8 PM feeling like shit end spending another night alone stuck with my thoughts. I feel weirdly calm about the fact I could possibly end it all this morning. I guess the alcohol could be making me feel a bit less stressed about it? you do not know. Sorry. Getting drunk,Suicidal +12486,"I guess you could say I have been going through it a bit recently, I tend to distance myself from people during this time instead of talking about anything to anyone. I have found that recently, whenever any of my friends vent or unload their problems to me, it triggers me and causes me to self-harm.I guess I need to work more on my communication skills, because I typically do not ever make my needs or boundaries very clear to anyone. But sometimes I find it very difficult to tell people that I cannot be there for them when they are clearly in a crisis. I also hold back from opening up to my friends, because in a way, I know how it affects me when others do it and would not wish the same on them. And it sometimes seems like me telling them that I feel overwhelmed also feels like me unloading? How can I possibly bring it up without feeling like a hypocrite? Just some thoughts going through my head right now.I am just curious as to if anyone else is experiencing something similar and/or has any advice, or even support. Thank you so much for reading <3 (TW) My sh is triggered by my friends",Depression +12487,"My final gpa was a 3.4, I have decided to end it all. I am too stupid to go to collage, and too stupid to get a job I am ending it all 3.4 gpa, too stupid to live, I am killing myself tonight",Suicidal +12488,just reached another milestone in my life (got my first full-time job) and there is not a part of me that is happy just like when i found out i got into university or when i finally graduated i thought antidepressants were supposed to make me feel more like a human what went wrong? will anything ever make me happy?,Depression +12489,"I am a 22 years old female in a relationship, I have no issues when it comes to that, we get along well.My main issue is myself, I am tired all the time, I get bored easily, my mood changes a lot, I literally feel the slightest change in his voice and tell myself OMG HE GOT MAD. I started having stomach pains when I stress or when I feel sad and I actually started shaking when speaking or interacting with new people. This never happens to me before, I used to talk in college in front of 50 people and do well.cannot say I have any goal in life, I do not wish for something tbh and most of the time I just feel sad for no reason.What upsets me the most is when I think too much. For example I forgot the meaning of a sign for the driving school, so now I just feel worthless, feel like I am a failure, that I cannot do anything, all for a damn sign.This happens even if I scratch a small thing, I immediately think this is what I do all the time, I just break stuff, that I am clumsy and worthless.I told to my husband, he really tries to help me, but tbh I do not even know what causes it. I am supposed to be a psychologist myself and I swear I cannot find any childhood trauma, any real issue.If anyone could help me in any way, I would really appreciate. Not sure how to feel anymore",Depression +12490,"I just do not know what to say. Since I was let us say half a year in homeschooling and lockdown I have lost all my social skills. I do not know how to lead a normal conversation, I do not know how to keep my stories interesting and the worst of all: I completely forgot how to ""undertand"" the thoughts and words of the person that is talking to me.That would not be a that big problem if I would not overthink everything all the time. That started since I was in quarantine (no social contacts too). I was actually (or am) an extrovert person and I love to talk to my friends. But now it became less and as I said I do not even know how to lead on a conversation. it is always my mission to start one but I just cannot. And with my overthinking I am not just unsatisfied with a bad dialogue. No my stupid head is tearing every little word apart just to see if there was a insult or a sign that the person does not like me.it is so surreal. I mean, I KNOW that I like my friends. I love them since they are a better family for me and I pay every price to make them happpy. And my friends like me. But... then there is my head, that is not acting or thinking the way I want.This is seriously damaging my relationships since I often act offended even though there was NOTHING. And I do not want to do this. I do not want to play the victim in this because there is NO victim. But... I just cannot. There is something that just acts and does not think.My relationsship with two of my friends is damaged because they did some shit to me... I, in person, want to forgive them. I said this. But I always think about it. I always think about how they left me and now be like ""hey we are friends, right?"". I am not the same since they left me once and I told them but they cannot fix this of course. It happened and I want to overcome this. But my head just makes me feel different than what I really want... I am just so confused. I also get angry so much faster. Or let us say frustrated. it is so bad with me and I am always ashamed afterwards... I never want to hurt my friends this way and I hope that is not the reason why they are talking less to me.I do not have fun with my hobbies anymore. I do not appreciate the things I liked before. The only times I appreciate my time is while I can talk to people especially my friends. But I just stand in my own way for a better view... I hate overthinking, my unability to read people, and that I cannot forgive",Depression +12491,"I relocated from South Africa to Zimbabwe (home) a few months ago hoping to embark on a new venture I had been working towards for a year, only to be stuck in the house as we hit another wave of the Corona virus. I cannot work due to high infection rates in the country, most activities are under lock down, and to top it off, my mother now has COVID.I do not know how to make it through this time as I am depleting the money I had saved for my work. I am feeling so low. My heart goes out to everyone who cannot work and has to think about money to feed others. it is just too much. Mom has COVID, I cannot work",Depression +12492,"I dread waking up in the morning. The days are lifeless, pointless, all of it. Nighttime is when I only begin to feel a sense of happiness but that is mostly because Ill get to sleep again soon and escape. Sooner or later a decision to die or get back up and fight will have to be made. I feel as time goes on it leans more towards inevitable suicide I have isolated myself and have no desire to do anything during the day other than contemplate suicide. I have the means to do it but not sure if I actually can. I have practiced the motions and all of it. Just a matter of pulling the trigger at some point.",Suicidal +12493,"All ik is I will hang myself one day, . I am 17 years old, I want to kill myself",Suicidal +12494,i cannot put into words how much i hate having aspergersthe ppl who are proud of being autistic and embrace it make me want to throw up LOL holy fuck,Suicidal +12495,"Title, basically. I am kind of terrified. I have completely lost entire conversations, and looking back on those conversations (the ones I can actually read because they happened over text) it seems like someone else wrote them. They include details I do not know literally until I read them, and leave out things that I now do.I can never remember my best friend's major. it is engineering, I think, but which sort? I have no idea. I have asked him about it dozens of times, I know that much.Friends are always introducing me to music. A few months later, I will invariably try to introduce them to the same music as if the first conversation never happened.I recently broke up with my partner. Part of why I did was because I felt he was an awful communicator. Then it came to my attention, through both him and other people who were close to the situation, that I actually just *straight-up forgot* a great deal of our communication on a few key issues. I remember it now, but I do not know if it will stay that way.I am an active member on a worldbuilding forum elsewhere on the internet, or at least I used to be. Looking back at what I wrote there, it feels so... foreign, again, like someone else wrote it.I can never remember my childhood as clearly as my sibling. They can recite to me all kinds of things about family gatherings, semi-distant relatives, and various other memories that I have absolutely no connection to.I am horrible with names. I used to think that it was normal, but now I am questioning that assumption in light of everything else.I am currently visiting with a friend. Planning logistics for this trip has been an incredible hassle, because I have thought that we discussed things that we never had a conversation about, and entirely forgotten conversations that *did* happen.I can never remember the tasks I need to complete. I always thought that it was laziness, or my capacity for straight-up denial, but I am not so sure at this point.Everyone--*everyone*--that knows me, apparently knows me to be very repetitive in conversation, far more so over the course of a day. I had no idea. I always think it is my first time saying something until someone tells me otherwise. I always thought nothing of it, but...This is an awful revelation. I feel like I am going crazy, like I do not know what is actually real in my life or what *looks* real just because I am missing some key detail. I am afraid that I have forgotten so much about things between my ex-partner and I that the breakup made no sense and was actually caused by mental illness instead of a genuine understanding of our situation. I am just really, really afraid. I do not know what to do.Is this explicable with depression alone? Do I probably have something else? Are there SSRIs that improve memory, or some other effective treatment? Please, any answers would be of help. I am really frightened. I am depressed. I have really, really bad memory loss. Am I crazy in some other way, or can my depression alone explain this?",Depression +12496,"Hi everyone. First time poster. I just need to get this off my chest to people who might understand. To preface, I have MDD OCD and GAD as well as PTSD.I (23F) have been in a 2.5 year relationship with my boyfriend (24M) and we have been through a ton together. He is my best friend. He is somebody who needs his alone time to recharge which I happily give him. Recently, I have been extra depressed and just changed my medication from 450 mg wellbutrin and 20 mg prozac to 300 mg wellbutrin and 25 mg pristiq. It is a big adjustment period for me.I have been jobless since 2020. I worked as a nanny before and ended up quitting due to a personal life altering event. He stood with me through that.Recently, he has been distant and I have not seen him in 2 weeks. I have been asking him if there is something wrong, etc. Yesterday I finally said that this is not ok with me and I need quality time to feel valued in our relationship. He then told me that yes, something is wrong, and yes some of it has to do with us but he will talk to me tomorrow night. I did not want to wait 36 hours for him to break up with me if that is what was happening and finally got a call a few hours later.He said that he never knows what to say when his parents ask about me since I do not have a job and do not go to school and live at home. He spent a couple weeks alone and realized that our relationship is not in sync anymore. He wants me to succeed and do better for myself and I need to prove to him that I can do that for our relationship to work. Which I get completely. But taking a break with no contact for months is essentially a breakup in my opinion and he keeps insisting that he does NOT want to do break up.I feel like he has broken every promise he has ever made me by abandoning me in a time I need support the most. I have supported him through so much and I feel betrayed. He does not know what taking a break entails because we have never done it before and we are each others first loves and first serious LTR. I do not think he knows what he wants. I love him so much it hurts and I know he feels the same but this is basically a breakup and he cannot see that. I am trying as hard as I can to be realistic and logical but I feel like I cannot go on without him by my side. He is everything to me. But for this to be the solution for a problem he has never brought up feels devastating and unacceptable to me. If he needs time apart, okay that is fine I get that but to give me an ultimatum out of the blue makes me feel like I have ultimately succumbed to my mental illness. I have been seeking new treatment and was finally starting to feel better but now I feel like I cannot move forward and do the necessary work because I have been abandoned by the love of my life. I am spiraling and do not know what to do with myself.I want him to be the one I call when something good happens. I want him to be the one to share my accomplishments and celebrate with. I feel so betrayed and gutted. I cannot do this without him. I want to give up.Were meeting later tonight to talk in person. I do not know if I should just break it off entirely to save us both the pain of a future breakup and get the pain over with now. Right now i do not believe in myself and without his support I do not know how I can achieve anything for a long time until I heal. Who knows how long that will take? I feel Like a chunk of my soul has died along with any hope for a healthy future.I am sorry this is so long and if you read this thank you from the bottom of my heart. Feeling like I cannot go on",Depression +12497,"I think the only thing that would have ever made me happy is connections. Having friends, or a loving family, strong relationships. I do not know why I am so unlovable. Like my very existence is some sort of offense. I would do anything and change everything about me if anyone would just let me in. It hurts so much. I know now that I will never have that. I tried to kill myself last week. I called everyone I knew. Only a couple people even replied. Even then, they did not really want to help. The only reason why I did not, is because I am stupid and naive, and keep telling myself someone will love me, even though all the evidence is to the contrary. Today I made a big step though. I accepted it. I accepted that I will never be anything to anyone. I will never be loved. And when I am gone, I will not be remembered. Yes, It will always hurt, and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life. But I will carry it still. it is freeing because I know who I am now. I am no one. I wish I could have been happy. I wish I could have been loved. I will settle for free. I am free because I am no one. And that little freedom is worth living for, at least for now. But its not permanent. I need to keep searching. I need to find a solid reason to live because this one is fragile and temporary. No one",Depression +12498,"I am literally crying so much right now - I have severe anxiety and depression about returning to the office and even just day to day all about my job. I am so completely unhappy with my job, manager & team. They are not understanding of my anxiety in general and that normal job duties (customer service facing) are just so draining/take a lot for me to exert out. I have been going into the office a few times a wk bc of meetings and have to be in for the clients and I am having meltdowns before and during my time in the office. Yesterday I was so dizzy, shaking, and just threw up as soon as I arrived. Today I am crying so much because I have to go in tomorrow. All the while I am trying to fake it when I am office and getting so sick of people asking me how I am when I am not even ok at all. Or when they say its nice to me or ask if I like being back in because absolutely I do not. Since the pandemic I have WFH helping another team out and I have absolutely thrived. I am hoping to transfer but they do not have current roles open and unsure when that will happen. I am trying to last another yr until I move because I cannot financially afford to quit and/or look for another job bc in my city or does not have high paying roles for the most part and I am currently assisting my mom. I am really trying to look at it as only a year but its just soooo daunting. I just cannot",Depression +12499,"Why do we have to live? Like honestly, why is it when we talk about suicide people always act like we have to love life and live? it is my life why cannot I choose to end it when I want? I am not happy in life, and I hate myself and this dumb life I have. If I cared I would be doing the things necessary to have fun. I have no friends, been single for years, no purpose anymore, I am just done. It just annoys me so many people want you to live and have a happy life. They have no idea what we go through, what we think about, that the only peace I (many of us get) is through long hours of sleep where we can just escape. I am so tired of being alive and trying when I know it will not get better because it has not for so long. I just do not care anymore. Why do people act like we have to live, like its an unwritten rule?",Suicidal +12500,"How do I make it stop, I do not get it what do I do? fuck you brain, stop",Suicidal +12501,"I am so stressed out nothing is working for me the treatments suck. I am getting no positive results. I force myself to stay alive for a couple more months to see if the next treatment works BUT IT NEVER FUCKING DOES. I am only alive because of these fucking treatments. I am in pain every single day. The emotional pain isna 10/10 most days. I have been SUICIDAL EVERYDAY for the past YEAR. The past 6 months it was chronic. I have made plans but scrap then right when I want to commit. I should have died twice. Now I have to stay alive for who knows how long because my recent treatment failed me, ketamine injections. You know, the drug that is known for removing suicidal thoughts? Well that did not happen to me, so fucking awesome!! Now I cannot fucking cope anymore and I just wanted to fucking kill myself so badly I want more heroin to OD and die. WTF do I do I cannot get out of bed I just want to fucking dieee I need to fucking kill myself I do not know how to cope I cannot TAKE THIS",Suicidal +12502,for the past month or so my reasons of staying here have got increasingly smaller and I am running outplease anything anything at all i need a reason please :/,Suicidal +12503,"If you would see me anywhere you would probably think I am happy because of my kindness and smiling and that I am handsome because I workout or whatever I do not really care, but none of it is true. None of anything is true with me. I am dying inside at almost all times and if I am around people and happy those are the times when I am most sad. Oddly enough being alone is the only thing that makes me feel better but is one of the main reasons I am in this position in the first place. Its a never ending cycle of just hating me. The voices have been winning for some time now and I can no longer control my thoughts nor where they lead and make me believe. If you ever see me (you will not) just know all that I do is to not have to burden anyone else or make anyone else even feel 1% or that they might have played a part at all. I do not want pity I do not want anything I just want to be wanted for me, and I know that is too late. I cannot fake it anymore.",Depression +12504,"But I hate not being anyone's favorite. I am sure I am no one's best friend, i am not the love of anyone's life, I am not anyone's person in general. I suppose(doubt it) people care about me, sure, but I am no one's favorite. there is not a single person that values me above anyone else. I am honestly thinking of either disembowling myself or doing something else to end my life in a gory and disgusting way I know I sound repetitive",Suicidal +12505,No one cares. Even the ones that say they do do not care about me. I do not enjoy anything anymore. I am alive for no reason right now. I am exhausted. Just want to disappear. No reason to live,Suicidal +12506,Its a long story but to sum it up we both fell so in love with each other instantly but then we realized we both needed time and space to heal and work on ourselves before we reconnect. In that time apart I made so much progress and she was doing the same. Until one I night I sent her a late night text on her birthday saying that anyone after her is #2 and the beginning of the text I sent said I believe my soul is giving me no choice but to send this to you yadayadayada after that she blocked my phone & insta immediately. Once I saw her do that I immediately became suicidal and have been ever since. All I ever wanted was her and the life we were going to create together and I blew it. I am an attractive guy that can obtain another woman easily but I do not care for anyone else. Now I spend my days online seeing other people being suicidal and speaking about doing it. I guess it helps? In reality it does not its just a time killer until I eventually go through with the act. I deleted all social media accounts. Have friends I could contact and go hang with if I wanted but that and just putting in effort to live again seems utterly pointless. Its like time is just ticking away until I am gone I am ready to exit. I am 30 and I lost the love of my life before it truly began.,Suicidal +12507,Ich will mir das Leben nehmen hat wer ein paar Tipps? Kein plan ob das die richtige Gruppe dafr ist ich verzweifelt und wei nicht mehr weiter I wann kill my self does anyone have any Tipps? I know that this is not the right group for this but i do not care (Sry my Englisch is bad asf) Suicide,Suicidal +12508,"Because all my friends are either busy or also depressed and even suicidal like me. Because no one understands and that makes me resent them more.Because they do not know how to help, which only makes me feel worse.Because they turn it around and make it about themselves.Because I am alone. This is too much for anyone untrained to deal with, not even therapists do much to help, and I really hate feeling like a burden and frustrating people. I hate feeling selfish. I am still just waiting to die. My physical health keeps worsening, so perhaps I can bet on that. Why do not you reach out to someone? you are not alone!",Suicidal +12509,People tell me who cares to me when I show them respect life is so unfair Why are people assholes to me,Depression +12510,"TWI've gone on a very bad downward spiral again recently. I tried to take my own life back in '18, spent some days in the psych ward. Some of you have probably been there, too.Since then, I have not really gotten better - I have just crawled my way into surviving with a strenght I was not sure I had. Two weeks after the attempt I went back to work, and I now realize damn, that is so f\* up. It was like ""now hurry up and be profitable again""I quit that job last year, before the pandemic. Since then, I tried to get another job. I recently landed one which I was really hoping was just going to be something I could handle. Woop-dee-doo. How do I fool myself every time. Two months later, here we are - I collapsed, hard, this time more from my anxiety than from my depression. I just told my boss I was sick until I could figure out what to do. I called my psych; she knows me well. She told me she suggested at least a month off. I know this company would kick me to the curb if I take one month off, so I though it was better to resign saying I got another job offer, patch it up, bye bye.What else can I do other than try my hardest to fix the things this mental illness causes as best as I can? Nothing else.My mom understands. Not everything, because no one who has not had a mental illness can fully understand it. But she is supportive. she is been my anchor all this time. She is the sole reason I am typing today; I would, no doubt, be gone if she were gone. Things is, I moved back here last year, after quitting my job. The reason I moved was because my grandma, who I was living with since 2012, had a stroke and now needs a full-time caregiver. it is a two bedroom apartment, so I had to get out. I guess my stepfather, who ""sees me as daughter"" (pft) has not really liked that. I guess he feels, like always, as if I were here to try and steal my mom or something. I actually felt bad and I thought maybe I am being an obstacle between a couple, even though being honest and kind to myself (quite rare) I have helped the hell out of them after he was diagnosed cancer last year and I took care of the house while they were gone.I think now he just wants me out. I am quite impressed at his lack of care despite being a firsthand witness of my attempt in '18. I asked my mom because I felt something was off (they are gone til tomorrow). She said he, I quote, ""is worried that I will never be able to live on my own.""I do not know if she does but I do see the meaning behind those words. it is a not very subtle ""get out of my house and leave me alone with my wife"". I guess I should have seen it coming, knowing the only love that is unconditional is my mom's. As I wrote down this post I calmed down a little bit. Right now I need to get back on my feet. I will resign from this job because there is no way I can handle it next week, or ever. I will work with my psychiatrist to get me back to ""semi functional"" as I like to call it. Then I am grabbing my money and I am getting the hell out. Screw this. Screw him and his expectations. He can shove his fake care and love up where light does not reach. He has the nerve to judge me, the nerve to expect me to go on after I collapse, when he has two kids (32 and 27) who have NEVER. WORKED.NEVER.I guess I kind of answered myself in this post, but I would still appreciate any input you might have. I feel stronger now. I feel angry. that is good - angry is better than guilty. Eventually I know I will just let go of him, because I do not live with resentment. How am I going to manage once I leave? I have no clue. But I cannot manage here anyway, either. And if I am not wanted, then I shall go.The good side of me still wishes him good. The good side of me cries at how stupid I am, because amidst having a mental breakdown I felt so happy that yesterday he was told his cancer treatment ends next month. I was so genuinely happy, because I do love him. I guess I am just not loved back. And you can tell me ""he loves me in his own way"", but I do not believe in that. You either love someone or you do not. Thank you for the space. I will be down, and up, and down, and up again. But I think eventually, I will just pack up my things and go. And remind myself, yet again, every day, that love is absolutely conditional. How do you deal with the judgement and disappointment of others when they realize you are not who they expected?",Depression +12511,I think about killing myself a lot in the middle of the grocery store because society and everyone blames me for everything. it is not my fault I do not have a job and if anyone says it is then I am going to walk in there up to the hiring person and threaten to kill myself if they do not give me a part time job where I do not have to deal with people. Quit blaming me for everything and saying it is my fault or I WILL kill myself,Suicidal +12512,"Because all my friends are either busy or also depressed and even suicidal like me. Because no one understands and that makes me resent them more.Because they do not know how to help, which only makes me feel worse.Because they turn it around and make it about themselves.This is too much for anyone untrained to deal with, not even therapists do much to help, and I really hate feeling like a burden and frustrating people. I hate feeling selfish. I am still just waiting to die. My physical health keeps worsening, so perhaps I can bet on that. Why do not you reach out to someone?",Depression +12513,I cannot see any light right now. What are some things you think of to change your mood when are you feeling really negative ??? Thoughts ?,Depression +12514,In constant pain. I have nothing. My family is abusive and hates me and I have zero friends or a partner either so my suicide will not impact anyone..I cannot take living in pain everyday like this I do not know how I am supposed to live life this,Suicidal +12515,"I need to feel something other than pure misery and anger, but ever since I got back on anti depressants I cannot help feeling disconnected from life, not being able to rationalise where this anger is coming from is causing me so much anxiety. I hate myself as it is, and now I feel like some pathetic excuse because I am saying that feeling physical pain is easier to deal with than the mental torture. I stopped self harming 8 years ago because I finally realised that I am just perpetuating the self hatred and will not get better like that.I do not give a fuck now, I am almost glad that I am making my problems worse because inevitably everything good in my life is followed by something much worse. If nothing good happens anymore, then surely I will find comfort in knowing there is only pain to come, rationalised pain that I am inflicting on myself. Started self harming again after 8 years",Suicidal +12516,"i do not really believe the idea that it ever gets better. I am about to finish school, i have no friends, life sucks and all I have ever heard and been told is that it gets better. its quite irritating and I am tired of waiting for it to get better because clearly it never does when is life supposed to be good?",Depression +12517,"Dog went into heart failure over a holiday weekend. No vet could take her. Had to find an emergency clinic. They told me 200 dollars just to fill out 20 minutes of paperwork before the dog is even seen. Estimated to be 5k+ to possibly save her life (most likely ending in putting her down anyway. congestive heart failure.) She died 5 minutes after getting off the phone.Could have taken her to the emergency vet the night before but I thought her cough occasional cough was from the dryness of the desert. Thought it was not that bad since she was acting like herself, even eating and drinking, otherwise. The next morning i woke up she was gagging and choking clinging to life. The rest was the end.Feel immensely guilty that I may have saved her. I am poor, broke, and cannot even afford to get my remaining dog another companion. All dogs of her size now cost between 3000-5000 and that is two to three months rent I do not have. I cannot get a shelter dog due to my apartment's rules, they have to pass a vet check and extensive behavioral opinion. of the vet. cannot bring home a dog with a questionable background/separation anxiety due to how strict they are. They review and approve everything...Matter of fact I cannot even get a dog from a breeder because my complex needs a full vet exam follower by a 3 business day decision to allow the dog. Most breeders bring a puppy litter for a basic check which is not enough, then you are responsible for the full vet check once in your possession.I feel so depressed because my remaining dog clings to me and will not leave my side. If i leave the house for 10 minutes he sits in a ball by the front door for me to return.I cannot even get out of bed. My pet died and I was to broke to take her to the emergency vet.",Depression +12518,"Maybe I knew at one point. But this cycle is endless. there is no escape. I am just an empty she will filled with medication and appointments and consultations. When does it get better? I see flashes of me ending it. A voice that guides me. I am scared. I do not want advice, I do not want pity. I just want relief. I sleep 15 hours a day max because I cannot be around anyone without having a panic attack. I go through medicine changes multiple times a year, what kind of life is that? I would be homeless or dead if my parents did not help me. I because them so much pain and I cannot do anything about it. I am so lost. All the time. And no one understands it. You can only tie and untie a noose for so long until the darkness tightens it for you. And then what? what is it like to want to be alive",Suicidal +12519,I need to know. I just finished a temporal contract in retail and knowing I have to go back to job hunting and that most job offers require degrees/titles and a ton of experience for the most basic jobs is just depressing. Getting rejected again and again makes me feel worse about myself. How do you cope with work/job hunting?,Depression +12520,- I am just so tired lolits a chore to even take care of myself- the bad days outweigh the good days- the heaviness i feel is suffocating - i feel like my soul is dying and I am wasting away - i feel like an annoyance to others - i am so insignificant. - ,Depression +12521,"Does anybody else experience this? Almost every time I get good news, I do not celebrate. Yesterday I got accepted to a yoga teacher training program. I think it will help keep me accountable and provide a much needed community to me. I think it will be a good thing. But upon hearing the news, I went kind of numb. Its like since its real then the real work of it all becomes real too? It sort of feels like just another task looming in the future. What about you? Have you had similar experiences? Happy things feel like sad things",Depression +12522,i am so just tired of everything. nothing seems to go my way and it seems like i have no one and nothing. If i died i would not see a problem and it would solve many things. I am the worst i have ever been right now.,Depression +12523,"I am honestly not doing so fucking hot. I have not been doing so hot for the past 8 months. I really do not know what is going on with me. At first I thought it was burnout from uni....but now I have a feeling that uni was my form of escapism, and now that I am graduated, I just feel like shit. I was an emotional mess back in April, and now I just feel numb. I still overly care about people and important things, but my mood has been so static. I am not happy anymore, I am not sad anymore, I am just....there? I am just so beyond exhausted. Past 5 years was so intense, with both school and personal stuff. I am an overachiever, my cGPA is a near 4.0, grad school is not too far. Career wise, life is good. I am at my prime, and I feel so confident in that. But in this year alone a close friend and my sibling were both suicidal. Decided to go out of my comfort zone and try out dating, the dude I briefly talked to turned out to also was similar. My parents barely were able to pay their mortgage due to unemployment. My dads health has been steadily declining. My PCOS got out of control. My sibling and parents fight constantly. My parents fight with each other constantly. COVID is still very much flourishing. What are the fucking odds. Every year I tell myself that the next year is going to be better, and I end up disappointing myself. Like, I can never catch a break. And literally I do not know anything about personal boundaries. I am so quick to commit to being there for people in my life, but I have realized that I am never there for myself. Apparently caring too much about others is a trauma response, and that totally makes sense. Being the eldest daughter in a dysfunctional immigrant family, I learned from a young age to set myself aside for others. Being a therapist, peacemaker, tutor, caretaker for my family members and all that. And now- I just feel like I am passing my threshold of tolerance. I want to move out, but I know that that is going to be financially irresponsible of me. I need to be there for myself, but a night of simple self-care makes me feel beyond guilty. I feel so fucking lonely, but I want to be left alone. I am so fucking sick of shit, but I have to push through. I am trying so hard to keep a mental grip, but I am so close to just crashing. Fuck, I need a hug. need to vent",Depression +12524,"Depression is like a passing cloud, it comes, it goes, and then it comes back darker than before and starts pissing rain on your ass. Response to Prince Ea",Depression +12525,"Hello,I have managed to sleep good actually last night. One of the few perks of life is that there is a pause button. But I am up now and have to remind myself that I have a pattern to break. Consolidating at an all time low, looking for a gap up. Wish me luck today hope whoever reading this does well too. Day #3 07/22/2021 12:53PM CST",Suicidal +12526,i cannot keep going but i also cannot end it because my family will not let meso i just spend my days crying and sleeping lol want to hear a joke? my life,Suicidal +12527,"Recently, I have shown to be kind of a negative person to be around. I think of nothing in the world except that it is a place full of exploitation and danger. Every time I come across something positive, something terrible happens in the world that makes me lapse back into my negative thoughts. Despite my mother trying to tell me that some things are not all that bad about businesses I detest (nearly all of which are anecdotal at best), it does not cheer me up.On a personal note, I spend nearly all of my time in my room where I do not have to forcefully expose myself to other people who do not share many of my ideologies. Recently, I have also been skipping lunch on a regular basis, which I am now trying to recover from.In a few minutes, I am going to call my doctor about my issues, and she may recommend that I take some medication. Alternatively, I may need to see a therapist. I am from Louisville, KY, and I am wondering what therapists may be recommended in my area.Thank you! Might I be suffering from depression?",Depression +12528,"I met my best friend about a year ago. We were online friends and we even met in real life a few months ago. Last night we had a fight, well I would not even call it a fight. I wanted to talk about a sensitive topic and she did not want to. She has a way of working herself up and eventually she said I was trying to push her boundaries, manipulate her, and that I was sad and pathetic. she is blocked me on all platforms, and now I am alone. I want to end my pain, but I do not want to die. Still, the option seems so tempting. My best friend hates me and I do not know what to do",Suicidal +12529,Thoughts? Thinking of killing myself at a shooting range,Suicidal +12530,"She had a lot to say,but she preferred silence.There was chaos in her heart, but they mistook it as her calmness. do not know why I am here",Depression +12531,"they are the only ones keeping me alive. But life hits me harder everyday. And my life is almost perfect, ironically... How do I tell friends and family that I am constantly thinking about suicide?",Suicidal +12532,"Tw// ED I ate something and I needed to purge guys my fucking throat was itching and my head was spinning I knew I had like a 10 minute slot to start but my aunt started fucking telling me that I needed to be less depressed and she Would. Not . Let . Me . Move. And she is like ""stop being depressed just smile"" and I could not even fake a smile I was literally seething because she is over here spewing bullshit and I needed to purge you guys my head still fucking hurts from it oh my god God I am so fucking pissed isiddnewkwlfuck",Suicidal +12533,"It feels like nobody takes me seriously, as human being with emotions. To be fair i have tendency to hide most of them. Having communication problems does not help, when you are used to being misunderstood or misheard - you start to give up. So finally reached the point where suicide does not sounds so bad. Having to much acquaintances from you local suicide hotline, prevent me from calling it. And even more i really would hate myself more if i ask someone i know for help - bothering them seems like waste of their time, especially on such low-life as myself. Currently looking for best method to end it all, so my organs at-least could be harvested afterwards. Sorry for being incoherent, but this is the best i can do right now. I feel like human trash",Suicidal +12534,"I am grateful that I have friends and family that want to understand me but I cannot put what troubles me mentally into words. How do I explain static and nothingness? I wish I had normal problems, like parents divorcing or grieving the death of a loved one its a selfish thought but very persistent. I wish I could trust people like how they trust me. Why cannot I let people get close?",Suicidal +12535,I told her about the way my father acts and how he let us others get into our lives. She said you cannot change people so do not stress. I told her that I am trying to avoid these people. She did not really explain what she meant by boundaries. My therapist tells me to set boundaries,Depression +12536,"its a little bit scary but ill do it tonight. Why? it does not matter i just do not care anymore its not worth it there are so many people that fantasize about a world that they want to live in but they are still stuck in the real world, call me greedy, childish, stubborn i do not care this is what i want to do and I am going to do it. Its true with determination you can change your world after all anything is possible i just have failed too many times and I am still very young but i do not want to go trough all that. Besides I am a horrible person too i will leave my mother and everybody else but my mother will probably be the most effected but i absolutely do not care what happens to a world I am not apart of anymore and that makes me a horrible person i think anyone who thinks like that are a horrible person. this is it",Suicidal +12537,18 yrs old with no job or friends. I do not want to go back to college this fall and I am too depressed to do anything. Id rather sit in bed forever tbh I am the laziest person I know,Depression +12538,"TWI know how conditional love is, but it still hurts every time. I have a mental illness and people do not understand it. People think I will ""get better"" and then get my life together. No, it is going to be like this until I am dead. This is my emotional range, my emotional capacity. I am thinking of ending things again. I am quitting my job because my mental health blew up. When people say they did not see the signs, I wonder if they were blind. I was in a severe mental crisis and my psychiatrist recommended leave - since I know this company will just kick me out, I will just resign. I have not told them yet, I am just trying to regain some strength after having a full on meltdown that led to panic attacks and a near visit to the psych ward.I already attempted suicide once. It was my stepdad and my mom who drove me to the hospital. He was present. All of my family was so supportive afterwards.I guess time fades support. it is been now 3 years since. I have never stopped wanting to kill myself. The only, only reason I have not is my mom. Because I know it would destroy her. So I told myself I would handle anything, any hell that came my way for her. But knowing that my stepfather, who witnessed my attempt, who ""celebrates my second birth"" each year on the date, is now thinking I resign because I am attention seeking is just driving me to a point of no return.Hell, he even saw the cuts in my arm when I came clean about self-harming some weeks ago. What signal do humans need, exactly? Are they blind?They will be back home tomorrow. it is dangerous to be alone. I have every tool at my disposal. I did not really want to go with pills, but right now I am so sad because of his reaction that I am thinking what is the point. what is the point anymore. I am thinking of why does he lie to me. Why does he tell me he thinks of me as his daughter, after 20 years, when I know it is a lie. it is a damn lie, he cares about me just as much as my actual dad does. His feelings are always more important than mine. He has a 32 year old daughter who has not worked a day in her life, a son my age who has not worked a day in his life. I have been spending every year since 18 destroying my mental health to try to gain financial independence. To try to prove somehow that I can, but I cannot. I actually cannot. I enter a job and I try my hardest, and it becomes hell - and I try to stand it, and my health goes in a downward spiral every time. People only believe you when it is too late.I am struggling a lot right now because I promised my psych and my mom I would give a warning if I wanted to kil myself. I want to kill myself. I guess he would believe me then. The weight of the disappointment of others",Suicidal +12539,"I have had this depression for years, I get meds and go to a therapist but lately it is been so bad that I have seriously thought aboyt hurting myself. I know I cannot do it because I am conscious of what I could because to people who care about me but i still think about doing it. One night i took 4 anxiety pills which it is more than I should take but I knew it would not because any harm, even If i knew that I went to sleep hoping I would die while sleeping or at least feel better when I woke up. Instead I woke up without the anxiety I had but feeling more depressed, without energy and not wanting to do anything even if I had lots of work to do. I stayed in bed all day, sleeping and not even looking at my phone, I ate just once that day. No one insisted that I got out of bed since i said i was feeling sick. Now I have even more things to do because I lost that entire day. I am deeply unmotivated and I just want to disappear, nothing makes me feel better and I stopped liking all the activities that used to make me feel good.I do not know what I expect from this post so feel free to comment whatever you want What to do when I really want to hurt myself?",Depression +12540,What the title says. Is suicide a selfish choice?,Suicidal +12541,"Its my birthday today and last December I did not thought I was going to to make it, it feels weird. Its my birthday today",Suicidal +12542,"This is it. I literally cannot take it anymore. For the last time I will attempt to email my ex-gf and just be open and honest with her. I cannot take this everyday thought of ""is she doing ok? Is she doing well"". I have been sitting with bottled up emotions for almost a year without having the ability to talk to her. I miss her, I want to talk to her, I want to see her, I want to know that she is ok, I want to smell that mango flavor lip balm she had and most importantly, I just want to hold her close and know that she is safe. This lockdown bullshit has caused so much turmoil in my life from losing my girlfriend to having to deal with health scare, into clinics and seeing psychiatrists and all that crap.... My body cannot take it anymore. I have nothing to live for. I am properly losing my job next week Tuesday as I cannot keep up anymore. I have no friends, I have no one to go to, I have no one to call. No one to talk to. I literally do not want to live anymore. Lief vir jou Charissa. Die lewe was n lied met jou in my arms! Ek wou jou die gelukkigste meisie in die wereld maak maar die feit dat ek jou nooit weer kan sien nie is genoeg om my lewe kort te knip. Ek kan nie glo dis waardeur ek gaan nie. This Is The End",Depression +12543,"This past year and a half have been absolutely terrible for me. I went into college with hope and excitement to finally start my life, only to be kept in my dorm room the entire time and have almost no college experience. Last fall I became depressed and my grades dropped dramatically, but over the winter I got back into school and really brought my grades up. Only to hear on the week of finals that my brother in the Navy, who I had not seen for over two years, passed away. This led to me ultimately failing one of my required classes that I failed in the fall. Over this summer, I worked at appealing my scholarship and taking classes to help boost my GPA. But because my family's expected family contribution was slightly too high, I could not receive the scholarship I desperately need to afford school. The school has not given me any aid or support, and my parents cannot take out a loan. I am having a really difficult time coping with this, and I am having thoughts of considering to just end it. I worked so hard and Covid took so much away from me. I am terrified of even trying to start over because I am afraid I will lose something or someone else important to me. Thanks for reading this. Lost everything I worked for, do not see much of a reason to keep going",Depression +12544,I need something to do for 10 hours a day for the next few years to distract myself from suicide. Drop your ideas Ideas for Hobbies,Suicidal +12545,I have seen a lot of posts about people that are older and have been depressed practically their entire life. I do not see it being any other way for me. that is how I see my future. What is the point of continuing when your entire existence feels like a trap? Living your entire life depressed,Depression +12546,"I do not know if I have any real mental illness since I never have been diagnosed, but ever since my parents got divorced, and my big sibling bellitled me, I always feel very down. I strive to get good grades in school so I can be ""successful"" according to my parents, but now I am thinking that successfulness is not about that, and that it is about happiness. I probably would not be happy working some long job as a hedge fund manager where I get home and barely any time to do anything, so all the money I get would be useless.As days passed my mind keeps telling me more frequently bad things. I tried to kill myself and survived. it is not even what I want to do, because I do not want to go to hell, or be punished , or be in pain, etc, but more and more often, I find myself wanting to hurt myself.Now, most days i do not want to get out of bed and move or do anything. I just want to sink into the bedsheets and then disappear into the ground. Anyone else feel like this? Now, I just feel like lying down on the floor forever",Suicidal +12547,I have decided I need to kill myself but I am not sure which method is best I am torn between jumping off a 530ft cliff death is almost certain I am on bloodthinners so if the fall does not kill me instantly I will bleed out or I am going to jump from a bridge in to the sea with weights to make sure I drown.Between these two options what would other people choose to do. Suicide method.,Suicidal +12548,"I feel empty and tired, what even is the point of living if we are all going to die anyway. I am just trying to keep all together for the people who loves me cuz I know they are going to be devastated when I kms. But shit it is hard and exhaustingI just want to take a rest forever like die peacefully in my sleep and be forgotten by everyone. existing is exhausting",Depression +12549,"Title says it all, I am basically unable to feel any joy whatsoever anymore. it is like I am a machine. Does anyone know how I can get out of this so I can fully engage with life again? Because if this becomes permanent I am kicking the bucket. 17m (Struck by anhedonia)",Depression +12550,"Throw away because obvious reasons. Did you see anything on the Near death experience.how do you feel now? do you feel better or worse?Do you believe in reincarnations or ""after life"" People who have attempted suicide what did it feel like and did you see anything?",Suicidal +12551,"i do not know how much of it is really chemical. sometimes i think depressions one way of coping with the world. like, some people get drunk, some people do drugs, some people get depressed. because there is so much stuff out there that you have to do something to deal with it. a quote i like",Suicidal +12552,"My current employers will not extend my contract because the role does not have value going forwards. I applied for a different role, but they chose an outside candidate because of superior experience. I applied for another organisation that I thought was well within my previous experience, only to be told the same again. My wife wants to move house, so our child (2yo) will have more room to play. she is pushed me through an application for a place that costs more than our current one, and they wan is to move in this month. We were already struggling financially, but I will now be losing my job on the same week as moving into a more expensive house. I do not know what to do. I am just about ready to give up. My wife deserves better than me. My son deserves better than me. I am 30yo with no qualifications, no job and no prospects, mounting debt and the promise of more financial hardships in my immediate future.Help. I am not good enough",Suicidal +12553,"Sometimes I feel guilty or embarrassed when I read other posts on here from people who have had some truly awful experiences; the reasons I have for wanting to die seem so petty in comparison. Nothing bad really happened to me, I am just worn down",Suicidal +12554,"There is none. I have tried every outlet. Its a joke. There is no help. Just lots of places for you to search and try and get the run around. I have been completely detached from reality I am really disturbing ways recently and there is no help. There, try to threaten calling the police over this post. There is no help",Depression +12555,I felt nothing but I read it will take about 2 weeks before I might feel something. I hope I will feel happiness and I hope it will free me from this fucking brain fog that stuns me from doing almost anything productive.I also hope the medication will work for a long time and not stop working after a few weeks or so. Took my first antidepressant today,Depression +12556,i feel like i want to kill myself and do not know what to do. I am too scared to talk to my parents so i tried talking to my sister to get it out of my head (she is the same age as me) she just called me weird when i said that and was making a joke out of it. suicide hotline does not do anything and just call the cops to your house. also if i do talk to my parents i do not even know how i would tell them. help,Suicidal +12557,Could really use it. Anyone want to talk?,Suicidal +12558,"i have a caring and financially stable family, some friends, education and a decent societal status; yet i want to kms. i feel guilty for what i want, but i cannot help what i desire. my reasons do not seem good enough...",Suicidal +12559,"Religious idiots will say that the reason they are not depressed is because of their religion, when it is most probably the other way round. The reason they believe in religion is because they are not depressed, because no depressed person would love a god who gave them a life of complete suffering. Just being honest here. Religious people are less depressed.",Depression +12560,"I met my girlfriend only a little over a week ago at a week long camp. I am 17M and she is 16F, and she lives 2 hours away. we have only been dating for a few days but we have had a lot of long talks and decided this will be worth it. For the past couple days, she is been talking about how horrible her life is and this morning she told me she is trying really hard not to kill herself. I know that she is a gorgeous and intelligent and amazing person and she does not see that, but I do not know how to help her. She said all her life she is wanted was a boyfriend that she can love and be with, and I know that I am not enough being 2 hours away. I have been complementing her and trying to remind her of all the good things in her life, but there is only so much I can do when I am not right next to her. Her parents are strict and they are starting to take her phone and I cannot help but feel like its all my fault. I know that her life would be better right now and her problems would go away if she had never met me, and I really want to be with her and I am here for her on her worst days and her best, but I just want to make sure she is there for her best. I know that the only thing that would hurt her more than her being with me is if I left. I really really like her but its killing me to see her like this and know that I am not a enough of a reason for her to want to live. I am going to keep trying to help her see the best in herself and the world but I do not know how else to help. I do not know how to help my girlfriend",Suicidal +12561,"If you are in a bad headspace please do not read this.I [22M] am slowly starting to give up on life. I hoped things would get better but they have not and do not show any signs of changing. I am currently living at home with my verbally abusive mother in a very toxic environment. I want to move out aspa, but I am working a sh*tty job that does not pay well and if I do save up enough. I would be broke for the foreseeable future. I have seen so many CV councillors and applied to so many jobs, and despite all of that I have not been offered any interviews.To sum up my love life, it has been pain. I have never had a partner or anything like that. Every now and again I match with someone we vibe and hit things off, but after a date or two I get ghosted, leaving me confused and hurt as to why they lost interest. I feel undesirable and unworthy of love. I feel like I need to be perfect in every way order to even be considered as a romatic partner. I feel the same way when it comes to job applications. it is mentally taxing and painful.All of this is having a massive effect on my mental health and I am noticing it deteriorating quickly. I hate that I am thinking about just ending it. But I guess I need to know when to quit, I have struggled with knowing when to quit all my life. I guess I was always the hopeful optimist. But what is the point in trying when put all my efforts in trying to make my life better and I still end up in the same place. I keep telling myself be strong, I hype myself up into a positive mindset and a good mood and for what? Nothing seems to change, well nothing permanent. The cycle continues. It feels like everything is working against me, and simple things that should be straight forward are not.And I get life's not fair and I accept that, but it feels like the difficulty was dailed up to 1000 for me. I do not think anyone can save or help me. I have prayed and begged to whatever cosmic being might be out there. Praying for them to give me a break, give me a win, on which I can build on and make my life better. I do not know what I did to deserve this, whether is this life or past or whatever but I am sorry.I have got so much unresolved pain.I know life has it is rough patches but I would at least like some level of happiness. It seems like life is moving by and I am still trying to fight my demons and move forwards.Honestly I am hesitant to kill myself but at the same time I am looking for a happy accident to relieve me of this pain. All I know is, the longer I stay at home and working at the same job, the closer I am to an early grave.I do not know how anyone would be able to help my situation and I do not know what to expect from writing this Reddit post but I need to let it out. Life is painful and I am tired of fighting",Depression +12562,"A couple weeks ago I hung myself with bedsheets that I jammed into the top of my door frame and tied to the handle on the opposite side. I was hanging for about ten seconds fully suspended, but then the sheets slipped down a little since the knot to the door came loose and my feet hit the ground. It was very physically painful, but when I went back to my life, it was still very emotionally painful.I do not know if I should do it again, there is a huge debate going on in my head. I survived",Suicidal +12563,"People who were never depressed to begin with. :/ Seriously bro, you say that Jesus cured your depression, there is people who say that Allah cured their depression aswell. Some people say that Buddha cured their depression, it is all the same thing at this point. You do not just cure depression by believing in something, no. Religion cures depression for...",Depression +12564,The only thing that stop me to kill myself are my parent. I want to be dead.,Depression +12565,"I just want to die. And I feel like the world is constantly guilting me into staying alive. What about your family, what about your friends? Yeah, what about them? Why is everyone just okay with me existing in this shitty world, in constant daily pain ( chronic illnesses) no job, no social life, no romance, nothing? Why should I stay alive in my depression and unhappiness just so the people that love me are not sad for a couple months? I have wanted to die for yeeeears but that is okay, so long as people do not have to go to my funeral right. What utter bullshit. what is so great about being alive anyway? Even if I did not have the issues that I have, how can anyone be happy living knowing that millions are living in shit situations. We must stop guilt tripping people into staying alive. We did not ask to be here, I should be allowed to opt out whenever I want to. Being alive is overrated let me go.",Suicidal +12566,"I am turning 21 soon. I am completely lost in life. My degree is useless coz I have no knowledge about it. Now that it is 2021, I have been suicidal for 10 years. I am a complete mess; (as you can see this post is a mess too) no goals, no ambitions, fucked up my career coz I never expected to live this long. Almost attempted suicide when I was 17 (I wish I had died back then itself) I barely have anyone to talk to about these things and pour my heart out. Everyday I wake up and feel why did not I die in my sleep. My life has no meaning, it is absolutely pointless.",Suicidal +12567,"I always feel like everyone hates me because I am either ignored or when people talk to me, they only give one word replies. Idk. I really do not want to exist anymore. I am so tired of breathing",Depression +12568,"A little background Had a recent breakup about two weeks ago my boyfriend basically said he was not romantically Interested anymore, come to find out a few days later he was already on grindr. Which really hurt. This this whole break up on top of some other things going on I am at my breaking point, With my depression and anxiety I started seeing a therapist which I probably should have started saying a while ago to be honest. Anyway since this break up I have really had no appetite for the last 2 1/2 weeks I have lost almost 15 pounds. I was wondering if anybody has any tips to get my appetite back or at least feel like I am getting a little bit nutrition Appetite and depression/anxiety",Depression +12569,"I am struggling a lot with my life at the moment. I am 24 and basically just feel very lost / making no progress. I also feel like there is a lot wrong with me, this post will be a ramble.I feel as though my career is moving very slowly. I have a degree, but it is essentially worthless as it is a mediocre grade, and not in a specific area. My current job does not pay very well, and you do not need qualifications to get the position I am currently in. I have tried and failed to get a better paying job, I cannot help but feel that I would have been much better off working straight after finishing school at 16 and working my way up somewhere rather than going to university. Some of my peers have done this and are in a much better place in terms of earnings, house ownership, car etc. than me. I decided to start studying for an extra qualification in my spare time to boost my earnings potential. While I think that this was most likely a good decision, it does feel as though it is not going to get me where I need to be on its own, maybe upping my salary potential by around 5k. it is costing me around 2000 to do, and now that I have been doing it a few months the initial novelty has worn off and it is starting to drain me having to do extra studying after a full day's work, especially with the knowledge that I will most likely have to study a higher qualification on top after completing this one to achieve a decent salary anyway. I have no idea what I want to do in life and never have, I have just taken a route in something that I know I can do easily, and am taking the natural steps to progress. But the whole time I cannot help but feel like I will never find something that I ever really want to do, the only reason I am doing any of this is to earn more money, and the things I am doing are not even a guarantee of that anyway.Currently I live at home with my parents. I am saving up every month for a deposit for a house as I would much rather do that than rent, but the cost of housing is just going up and up, and the salary required to afford a property / mortgage is way above what I am earning. The older I get the more desperate I am getting to move out but it seriously just feels as though it is getting further away rather than closer. I feel like I am just in a hamster wheel and not getting any closer to any of these goals. I do not mind my parents, they are not terrible and living at home does have its benefits, but I am closer to 25 than I am to my 24th birthday now and at this point I am fed up and need my own space. But it just feels as though it is so far away, and even when I try and break it down it just feels like such an impossible task.Mentally I am in a terrible place. I have been for a while, my self esteem is awful, I am really struggling with everything at the moment. I self harm, frequently have depressing thoughts and am just generally unhappy. I suspect I probably have some undiagnosed disorder, when I browse the symptoms of BPD it is like checking off a list. But the process of getting treatment / therapy is incredibly long and expensive, and I honestly have no idea where to start. it is so expensive that I feel seeking out therapy when I have not really experienced anything traumatic enough for it just feels like a waste, and it is going to set back my other financial goals even more. On top of that I am trying to balance studying in my spare time and everything else, I just do not know how I would have the time.Socially I barely have any friends. I would say I have 3 truly good friends, 2 of them live far away so seeing them on a regular basis is not easy, and again is expensive. I only have 1 friend that I can see without travelling at least 90 mins. There is a huge age gap with 90% of my work colleagues. A few months ago my girlfriend broke up with me, which to be honest completely broke me. That relationship was something I thought was truly going well in my life but at some point she decided otherwise, she had her reasons, shit happens. She made clear it was nothing I had done and was not my fault but it is really hard to accept that. I am a lot better now than I was 1-2 months after it happened but it still affects me every day. I have no idea how I am going to trust anyone in the future in terms of a relationship. I also feel as though I am in no state to even be in a relationship anyway having written all the above stuff down. But it is just another thing that gets to me, I feel quite lonely as it is, and she was really good to me and it was a loss of a good friend in a way too. I feel like I am doing something wrong in relationships, I have never had a true, multi year long term relationship. I have no idea what it is about me that is not good enough. I do not pour all my problems out like this to partners. Sometimes it is discussed but I made a point to never burden my ex with all my problems like this. Yet here I am alone anyway. I cannot help but feel there is just some negative aura that people sense and do not want to be around me anymore.After the above happened I tried so hard to get into new stuff. I started doing new hobbies, things that I had not done before. Exercising more than ever before, all the usual things people tell you to do. And it just does not help. I have even been on holiday, which was a welcome distraction, but coming back home and back to reality it just feels as though my life is not going anywhere. The past few days I have just been so deflated. All my usual hobbies no longer interest me, I just have no desire to do anything that I normally do. I do not know enough people and I crave socialising, but if I try going to a club or something I just get so socially awkward / anxious. I am desperately craving some excitement in my life, the only things that are appealing are drinking, which I am really trying to avoid at the moment as it just makes me feel so much worse afterwards. I get tempted by gambling, but even that stops interesting me, unless the amounts are high enough to be risky. But I know I do not have the disposable income to play around with that anyway.I am absolutely sick of social media, I hate it so much. I hate how fake everything is. I deleted the majority of my social media apps. I am completely fed up of the news, it feels like everything you read online is so negative and depressing. And on top of all that like everyone else I am sick to death of covid, that in itself just feels like one step forward, 2 steps back. The government in the UK constantly contradicts and goes back on their own advice. And yet I know even if Covid was gone I would still be in the exact same spot I am now. I feel myself turning bitter and angry at everything which in turn would just make me even worse to be around. Everything is just building up and I have no idea what to do about it, the best way I can describe is I feel like I am playing life on hard mode.Yet there is nothing really wrong with me. Ok maybe I am depressed? But I have no physical disabilities, I have no disease, I have not suffered anything traumatic, I do not have a broken family, I am not stupid, I have a job, I have some qualifications, I have a car, I have some friends. I know I have a lot of things that many people would be grateful for. And yet I cannot help but just feel so *broken*.If anyone's read this far thank you, if anyone decides to share their thoughts thank you even more. Really need to vent, lost in life (long)",Suicidal +12570,"I have tried talking with family, friends, suicide hotline, even set up a stay at a crisis center. Its been a week, I still spend every day alone, I am not able to go to the crisis center because family works there. I have tried enough. Tonight I will slit my wrists and go for a walk. I will not do it inside because cleanup is tough. Do cities have phone numbers for morgues? Ill call when I am close to death so they can pick up the body. I have held on a long as possible, there really is no help",Depression +12571,They will be better off when I am dead. And they know it to. Everyone I know hates me,Suicidal +12572,"I am so glad I told him. I told him I am no immediate threat to me but I have been dealing with this so long I needed to tell someone. I know I could not tell my parents as they would have only made it worse. (I am a minor, but luckily already capable of making choices like this alone or even against my parents wishes) I am looking into getting medication, with the help of my psychologist of course, and I really hope it helps.. I just really needed to tell someone and nobody in my real life would fit that category. Thanks for just letting me rant here. I finally told my psychologist that I am dealing with those thoughts.",Suicidal +12573,"I am drunk but do not worr y about that .after a fucked up child/teenagehood and needing to move away from my hometown, ofc i did the fucking OF shit to make some money and now my pics are plastered all over the internet. i just want to be a midwife and have a family and travel and be happy but all i get is an inbox full of hate messages, ptsd from my shitty fucking life, and everyone in my life fucking hating me. but i deserve it anyway, i did thi s yo myself I have dug my own grave",Suicidal +12574,"No, do not. Actually, do not even consider doing that useless demonic pseudoscience ritual, because it does nothing but make your problems worse. You sit their and allow your thoughts to race even more, it is only helpful for people who were not depressed to begin with. But it is very dangerous if you are actually depressed. Meditation can go eat shit! Just try meditation!",Depression +12575,I was planning on killing myself with a cpap mask and a helium tank. She found the tank this morning and took it with her to work. I should have just killed myself last night when I had the chance. This life is just not worth living. I do not want to finish college. I do not want to work 40+ hours a week for the next 40+ years. Whether I die today or in 70 years I still end up dead. I am just trying to skip the suffering. My mom confiscated my helium tank this morning.,Suicidal +12576,"I feel so angry. Not even my own girlfriend can send some simple encouraging words. I texted her saying I feel mad & all she responds with is ""you will be good babe"" like what the F. Hate to say this but I miss my ex girlfriend for this reason. she would comfort me. Ask my why I was mad. I just need that one friend to vent to and I love when others vent to me about their problems too. Just looking for encouraging words. I just got so angry rn I wanted to just cry because I hate getting mad for absolutely no reason. When I woke up this morning telling myself I am going to have a calm and clear set of mind so that my emotions do not destroy me today. Or anyday. I just want to feel okay everyday, not happy but just okay. Can anyone lead me to a group chat or is anyone looking for a penpal?",Depression +12577,"I am too scared to go outside. This is so anti climactic. it is a beautiful day, I want to go out but last time I did a kid insulted me, said I was an ugly f\*\*, I went home and attempted suicide. Scared of that happening again. Love the agoraphobia depression combo /s. Finally safe to go outside after waiting for the immunity of second dose to kick in and",Depression +12578,"I fucked up the only good thing i ever had, he will not ever forgive me and everything in my life is so pointless i feel so pointless. I am going to do it on Saturday and then its done. No more hopelessness, no more emotional spirals, just me dead I feel like i have nothing left to live for",Suicidal +12579,"ever since i can remember, I have been nerved out by things ending. it makes me so miserable to think about that, especially regarding life. like I will live all this time just for my existence to end - just like that? what am i doing all of this for? i do not want to live the rest of my life suffering with the thought of everything being for nothing, so i might as well just end it all now. i turn 18 in a few months but i already have basically nothing to live for. this is so pathetici do not know if this makes sense but i really wanted to get this off my chest. I am sorry if this is the wrong place for this things ending scares me, but that is exactly what makes me want to end it all",Suicidal +12580,"Dialectical Behavioural Therapy was designed to reduce or eliminate suicidality in individuals. Check it out. Worked for me. If you want to kill yourself, why not give DBT a shot instead",Suicidal +12581,"""You are not depressed, depression comes, it goes. it is like a passing cloud, so you are not depressed, just be happy.""- Someone who has never been depressed YOU ARE NOT DEPRESSED!",Depression +12582,"I honestly got tired od everything I was fed up, but now nothing matters. Nothing can save me and honestly i do not want to be saved. I qould post this in my main account but I do not want help so throwaways are better to write my goodbyes and mostly because I already forgot my passowrd againAnyway I am a fucked up person and I am better dead under the grounfd than faking some bullshit to appease peoole that hurt me and has the gall to come as uperior while they helped to fuck me over.WjateverI just wish the maghots will eat my body To anyone who reads this:Fuck everything",Suicidal +12583,"I feel so weird in life I feel like I am just living worth nothing in life just walking and working. cannot socialize cannot speak to anyone in my life not even family because I do not even feel like it is me talking. I am constantly distracted by sounds and thinking people are staring directly at me and I start to feel awkward. do not have a relationship with my family or parents I just feel like I do not belong on this earth I just want to be alone in life and forget about the earth. I am constantly zoning out nothing excites anymore, literally nothing. I do not feel real anymore",Depression +12584,My aunt did a form of Persian palm reading on my hands and told me that Id have no lasting love or relationship in my lifetime. I am depressed not because of that but its funny because if I was neurotypical Id probably lose more sleep over that event. Now even if its true for me I shrug it off since I am too depressed to even prioritize that connection Anyways thanks for listening Its all just a simulation anyways When I was 10,Depression +12585,"This year I should have been focusing on my thesis. I even got a scholarship for it so I can work on it full-time, before I did it part-time. Before I was very career-oriented + had a lot of gimmicks. But tbh, I felt like I was already at a decline mentally during the past years due to other external events + anxiety. Tbh due to just a string of unfortunate circumstances my grad school academic life was not going the way I hoped.The wrong thing I did is that I got that scholarship during a very bad time in my life. I thought that focusing on one thing would be enough. Basically I could not even remember what I was doing for the past months. I still feel like I am in a groundhog day of sorts tbh. For whatever reason, I cannot wake up when I want to, I cannot sleep, I just get anxiety all the time when I am awake.And the worst of it all is that I cannot get myself to do work or even think about the technicalities of things related to my thesis. Such that I cram things when reporting to my adviser.I have literally developed an anxiety or fear of doing my own work which I actually love.And now I have wasted months which I should have used for developing my thesis proposal.I still have time I suppose. I feel like I could draft one up in a month. Especially since I am in it full-time right now.But fuck it. it is only been this week that I even got a little bit of work done again that is not just due to anxiety-induced clarity of mind that I am forced to cram.So far I am nearing a month of trying to exercise everyday, and eating healthy. It took me this long to finally get my shit together for that.I have been trying to CBT myself for months. And so I have gotten out of that depressive hole at least.This week I am trying to do work little by little. Trying to keep to a schedule. So far I feel like it is working.But fudge how the fuck do I deal with this whole fuck up I did. I do not have papers with my adviser -- I did with previous research projects that are work-related. But really just due to those work project I was full-time in being not handled well by faculty, the papers were not what I hoped them to be.And now I am cramming for a thesis hopefully by the end of December. Worst case, well I am finishing up my thesis late. But dammit I want to publish papers too. I do not want to waste this time/opportunity since if I do not do well with this, I cannot even count a PhD as part of my future. I should have just taken a leave goddamit. it is understandable this pandemic --- is still very shitty at my country. But I went and got a scholarship that ties me in the whole thing.I cannot even get recommendation letters from my previous work projects because I left them due to their issues --- it was outrageous. It really is, friends told me I got an unlucky streak and they agree that they really were shit. Well there is 1 that went well. But that is just 1! So all I am hoping is to get a recommendation letter in the future from my current adviser. And here I am messing up things.I feel like I still can do something about this. Because moving forward and all that.And I feel like my adviser has a feel for how some of us advisees of theirs are not doing well mentally. Because we do not follow up with him. And we just basically disappeared at times. And he does not call us out on it so far. He just accepts and deals with whatever we report when we talk to him.Honestly I felt like he should have kicked me out months ago.But the thing is, despite all things. I have smiling depression. And have been in and out of this for years. My therapist tells me I should get tested for ADHD, but honestly right now in my country it is a bit difficult to get diagnosed for it. She told me meds may help me.The issue with this is, people around me likely think that all is ok. They think I am upbeat. So in all effect I look like a slob or have no concept of time or really just threw away my thesis.But the thing is I actually really tried to get to it everyday. Honestly I still have to do some work from another thing and I am putting that off as well. Trying to wake up everyday and sitting in front of my computer.Doing nothing but my mind is on the thing. And time flies by.And shit.So yeah this long rant. I just do not see how I can get over this whole thing even if I get over my work anxiety. Is it all for naught? :(((**TLDR: I feel like I should just move on and try to do what I should do. But I cannot help but not know how to deal with the fact that I wasted months during grad school + when I fucking to a scholarship. I should have taken a leave of absence instead. Logically I know that there are some things that one should just move on from. And just deal with it and move on. At this point accept that shit happened, and try to do what I can. But how to deal with the whole mess up and how I obviously have to make a good impression. Where even right now, I am still struggling with getting my self to work due to developed ergophobia. --- Obviously step by step for this one. But dammit I cry. apologies for this long post. T-T** How do I get over the wasted time I did during grad school due to depression/anxiety?",Depression +12586,Then the suicide hotline shared my personal info to the police and they came charging at me and physically stopped me from harming myself I was literally 15 minutes away from finishing my drink and thus killing myself,Suicidal +12587,"Been a long time I last posted here. My situation is so much better compared to last year. Several grand saved up, working a job that does not make me want to die. However I am back in the cycle of feeling like I am going through the motions of everyday life. Internally not much has changed, death still kind of just lingers over my head but I am not actively attempting anymore, which is a plus I guess. Either way it gets tiring faking smiles and laughs for people, all I want to do is just sleep. On the plus side, finally eating healthier so hopefully by this time next year, I can be a skinny depressed boi. Kind of just in Limbo",Depression +12588,"I feel like I am screaming inside at myself to just do the damn thing, but my body will not move! I know what I have to get done and I know how much better I will feel when I am done, but I am stuck! I hate this shit. And my boyfriend will be so disappointed when he comes home if I have not done the damn thing. I fucking hate executive dysfunction!",Depression +12589,"I do not know when it started but I found out that my father and all of my relatives in his side do not believe in mental illnesses. It was in 8th grade when I started showing signs of depression and I got into this ""rebellious"" phase, this is also where he started texting me how he will beat me and wished that I was never his daughter because I was not normal. He was not in the country at that time so he was not able to touch me. I never told my mother, I felt like nobody could not accept me and it affected my performance in school and my relationship with other people.Fast forward, at the beginning of my time as in 11th grade, I was diagnosed with depression and I even had to lie to some of the doctor's questions so that the results will not be worse. I was given a letter to see a Psychiatrist and now I am about to start college and I still never went. I still remember how my father threatened to beat me and make sure that almost all of my teeth fell off if he finds out that I have not been acting like a ""normal teenager""I had a fight with him again this quarantine and even though I am agnostic, that night I thanked God because he was not in the country and he was not able to hurt me. He kept saying that I was a mistake and an embarrassment. Everyone in the family just excused it as his ""way of saying he loves me"" because he just ""wants the best for me"" and it is just because of ""high blood that he could not control what he says""I want to run away. I hate everyone in this house. And even though that my mother is the only reason I am living, I hate her the most for letting him treat me like this. For a woman who showed me how strong she was by not relying on my father's money and embodied independence, she is the weakest person ever.Until this day, I have never heard an apology from him. Only material gifts which was his way of saying ""you cannot hate me, I bought you this expensive item""He poured his money on me while I was growing up and I hated myself for that because now I cannot even stand up alone in the outside world now without finding them and relying on their ""help""I am such a failure Parents that do not believe in mental illnesses",Depression +12590,"Its just a dice roll on how I am going to feel that day, its either good, meh, or terrible, and I am having a lot less of the good and more of the meh, but no matter how I feel that day the thoughts of insignificance, life having no meaning, not knowing what I want to do with my life, feeling like I am wasting my life are always there. I fucking hate it, I know life can be beautiful and fun and Its not like I do not experience that and enjoy the day to day now and then but most of the time I just feel crushed and defeated and lost and hopeless. Its just the same thing day in and day out and I do not have the motivation or drive to do anything other than sit around and watch tv. My interests, hobbies, passions are all still there I just do not have the motivation to care for them, sometimes they feel boring even when I wanted to do them. Not wanting to exist is just a normal for me now, but even that feels wrong, I know I want to be here and get better but sometimes it does not even feel like the depression it just feels like waking up to the shitty reality of the world. Every means of survival has been monetized, working an 8hour desk job is the only way to feasibly survive for 99% of people, the state of the country is shit, the state of the world is shit, the world might not even be livable in 100 years. I just want to be able to wake up with something to live for besides the possibility of it all getting better because that is the only thing keeping me moving. I do not know how long I have been living with whatever form of mental illness I have got going on but last October is when it started getting bad and now its unbearable. And I hate to say this decline happened during Covid because it feels like it invalidates how I am feeling, you know everyone is going through the same thing, its just the pandemic, and all of the other BS. I hate the way I feel but do not know what to do to change it",Depression +12591,"I am not sure where to start. November of 2020, I moved across the country with my boyfriend, who four months later died of an accidental overdose. I decided to move back home after where my support system is at. Its been 4 months since he has passed away, since I have been home with my parents. I am just dealing with grief and depression. I decided to start taking Lexapro, which has helped to deal with the tremendous amount of suffering. I am 26, and I lack so much purpose. I do not have a career, I do not have a job, I am living at home, and every day I tell myself Ill do something different today and sure enough, just fall back into my same bad habits. I started smoking cigarettes which are not even my thing, and I told myself I would not drink anymore since he passed, but now I see myself start drinking a glass or two of wine a night. I am just so depressed and stuck. I want to run away to somewhere new, but I know the same problems will follow. I want to go back to school, but then I just do not even follow through. I am just so lost feeling, and I am scared to be stuck in a position for too long. I keep living in the past of the mistakes I made with my boyfriend. I know I am battling depression. I just do not know how long I can keep doing the same thing every day with zero new routine or zero purposes. I am just venting if you made it this far I appreciate you reading. Lacking so much purpose.",Depression +12592,"Whenever I feel genuinely happy or realize that I am smiling or simply enjoying what I am doing, my brain would randomly state ""this is temporary"" or something like ""just a few more minutes""Why? Why cannot I just be happy and free of these anxious or depressing thoughts? I do not like this at all. I want to be happy without worrying about stupid stuff. My life is fine. I have everything I need. But still why cannot I be happy? Why is my brain like this?",Depression +12593,"I will kill myself on 26th July and this time, I will be succesful. At least once in my lifetimeI really hope to find peace after death. I know that I have been defeated by depression, I have lost... and I accept the truth. Now, I am ready to take the final strike and become free. Forever. Because there is no salvation from the dark. I lost all my friends because of my depression and my fate is sealed.",Depression +12594,22 yo livin in a shit country had to drop out of college bcz it was too expensive with no one to help. Why the fuck do people say god is good when nothing good ever happend to me fuck this there is no god this life are not worth it I am done I am done,Suicidal +12595,"Just being real here. I think its really taboo to admit that COVID has had such an impact on your lives and even more taboo to put the blame where it belongs.COVID lockdowns and culture brought mine from a mild, manageable depression to a pretty serious depression. I also had health conditions along with it, but I think Cuomo and his lockdowns contributed massively to it. I am not sure if I will ever forgive Cuomo for this. Unfortunately, I lived in New York during this time, no it was the worst state in the USA to live in. I know the EU, Canada and Australia have it worse and if you live in those nations I am sorry. Do you think COVID culture worsened your depression?",Depression +12596,"one of the few good, real friends I have texted me tonight. he said ""heyeyeye, pretty face"" I do not have feelings for him, but those words made me happy, ill probably be remembering that for a while.it is a nice feeling, it sucks that it will not last and in no time ill be back to thinking of killing myself, death, try to find someone who can give me some drugs, and back to lurk around in this subreddit.this is my first post here, and to whoever reads this, I hope you are okay or at least will be. maybe not tonight",Suicidal +12597,"i have been crying myself to sleep for like the past month, I have found that it really helps me fall asleep. it was mostly just overthinking and imagining scenarios in my head that made me upset and made me cry. i kind of feel like it is spiralling into something bigger though - i find myself upset during the day, with low mood and get upset over little things that would not affect me that much before. i feel like this is stemming from me crying myself to sleep every night and want to find alternatives. i did not think too much of it initially as i did not think it was that big of a deal, it was kind of like something that helped me fall asleep and sleep better. id appreciate some advice on how to deal with this and alternatives i can incorporate to help me fall asleep without crying and how i can deal with being easily upset and in a low mood during the day. crying myself to sleep - need alternatives lol",Depression +12598,"I find it hard to say how I am doing, for the most part I just say I am okay. If I say I am notI just do not go into detail. I feel like they will not get it at all. Or they will think I am simply being dramatic. That its simply just a feeling/phase that will pass. Or that I just have to take some sort of action and do shit different. Its the advice I have gotten before. I do not want advice for the most part. I just want someone to actually listen and understand I guess. Do you find it hard to tell those around you that you are struggling?",Depression +12599,"Hello.I have been suicidal the last 6-7 years. I hate what I have become, I hate my health. My mistakes and what they lead me to become. Fuck forgiving yourself, I need a permanent relief, suicide is that thing. I try to read about Stoicism, but health is not an indifferent since health impacts your mind, far from what they think. Chronic pain and depression change your brain, I have both. I need to die, I will not live for others or be guilted into living. I will not TAKE THIS ANYMORE Fuck it all, I need to set a deadline when and how, life is not for me",Suicidal +12600,"sitting here listening to music, which quite literally is the only thing left that makes me feel good, and although it brings me a little joy it is not like it used to. i guess i just have to accept that soon enough I will have nothing left to live for worst feeling ever is realizing that the only thing that used to bring you joy is starting to stop",Depression +12601,"I (17NB) have been dealing with depression and anxiety for the past 5 years. At the end of this school year, I thought I was finally cured; I thought I found my purpose, rediscovered hope, and made really good friends. That all came crashing down when a relative passed away due to the current worldwide issue. For the past two weeks I have been feeling the worst I have felt in a long time. The relative who had passed away was not very close to me herself, but her passing changed my parents and turned them verbally abusive and now I hide in my room all day to avoid talking to them so I do not get screamed at for the most mundane reasons. Along with night terrors which I have been dealing with for months, I have been crying daily, and have been not letting myself sleep and isolating myself from many of my friends as a form of sh since my mother checks my skin daily. Moreover, I did not even notice at first but I started restricting and then binging and this style of eating mixed with my lack of sleep and anxiety about my home life landed me in the hospital for newly developed health issue.Anyways, I have started trying to manage my issues. I set controls on all my devices so that they do not let me use any apps from 11 pm to 7 am, and I have also been making myself eat 5 really small meals per day so I can keep everything down while eating enough. The only issue I have been having is reaching out to my friends again. I am in the Bay Area, and restrictions are easing despite the increasing cases and new strain concerns. I managed to open myself and my issues to a really understanding friend of mine, and he invited me to go to SFO with this group of friends, and while I am glad to have been invited, this trip is causing me so much anxiety and I really need an outsider's opinion.On one hand, I really want to go. I have not been around people in so long and I feel like if I do not talk to someone who is not in my family I might explode. On the other hand, while this friend group has been nothing but nice to me, they make me nervous. Like, I am not a very popular person at school; I have been kind of bullied up until like last year. This changed when I made friends with this group, who is very well-known and quite popular, and people started treating me better. While they are all very nice, I feel insecure when hanging out with them because they have always been more popular, more attractive, and they are super close with each other so they make inside jokes and reference past trips they have made while I feel left out. Once they even forget that I am with them and did not include me in a conversation for almost 3 hours. I feel like if I do not go, I am going to feel depressed and horrible that I did not go on a fun trip as teen that I can talk about once school starts and I am going to feel jealous they got to bond without me. But if I do go, and they all have a lot of fun while I am trying to keep up with the convo, I think I might burst into tears on the spot.Then there is also the fact that my parents will not let me go at all, first of all because of increasing cases in the area and the new strain, but also because of my health issues mentioned above. I know this seems like a super first-world and stupid problem but all these issues colliding into this one weekend trip is causing me severe anxiety and I feel unable to think. What should I do?tldr: dealing with probably my lowest point, trying to get better, invited on a trip with sort-of friends, idk whether I should go or not due to mental and physical health issues as well as worldwide issues. (tw grief,slight sh, ED) It keeps coming back and never ends-- advice would be appreciated",Depression +12602,"I am 37 years old. I am married with two kids. I know my wife loves me and so do my kids. But I have no other friends, I associate with some of my wifes friends but they otherwise would have nothing to do with me. I have no hobbies, and I am miserable at my job. I have considered starting over but I do not have the means to do so. I do not have the money for my own place, and obviously have no friends that I could roommate with. I am stuck with this feeling of emptiness all day every day. 37 year old loser",Depression +12603,I am not asking for tips just wondering if 4200mg is enough of sertraline just wondering,Suicidal +12604,"If you have or have had depression and is now feeling/doing better, how did you go about it? Its hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel when just existing is a chore How do/did you get better?",Depression +12605,"I found the sub r/neckbeardnest today and I realized that I have one. It never clicked how bad my room really was, I just kind of thought it was really messy but it was not a big deal. My mom and I moved to a new place a couple years ago and I got a much smaller room that does not fit all my stuff, so I just chalked it up to a space issue, but it is gotten way worse. Like I knew it was bad, but it just clicked today.there is just piles of clothes and garbage bags that I never threw away everywhere, and I am completely overwhelmed. I have been wanting to clean it for a while, but always lacked the motivation and energy because of my depression. I am going to college soon and need to pack and establish what I am going to take, because my mother says whatever I leave she is throwing away.I am really stressed about it but I need to start somewhere. I have felt really ashamed and embarrassed about my room, but today I want to do something about it. Does anyone have tips on cleaning huge messes and what I can do to establish what I need vs what I do not? I will not have a lot space in my college dorm, so how can I pick out the most important stuff? So today I realized I have a really bad depression room",Depression +12606,Hi everybody. I was diagnosed with burnout/depression 8 months ago. The 4 first months I only took St-Jon's wort. Then 3 months of Lexapro up to 20mg which helped me but I was too spaced out so my psy switched me to Effexor for 3 weeks which were terrible. Then I asked for Brintellix because of the side effects profile. 1 month in and I feel not better at all.My Psy wants me to try Prozac now. Do you guys have success stories with Prozac after failure with many others ? I am starting to feel hopeless.. 4th drug.. I am loosing hope,Depression +12607,"July has been a pretty shitty month for me and I am so sick and tired of my mental health problems. I have been mentally and emotionally unwell for way too long and nothing I do seems to help. Therapy, medication, change of environment, new hobbies, new friends, and even succumbing to my past self-destructive behaviours nothing. I would do anything to make this feeling go away, I just desperately want to stop feeling so numb and depressed all the time. I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +12608,"I filled my summer with a 9-5 internship, I exhaust myself during the day and I spend the rest of my time playing video games until I am tired enough to sleep, but as soon as I have just 5 minutes for myself I have a breakdown. When is this going to end. When escapism is not enough anymore",Depression +12609,my life is pointless. i do not contribute. i do not help anyone. i do not do anything worthwhile. no one cares about me. no one will care until I am dead. if anything they probably want me gone. just waiting for someone to tell me the truth. I am wasting everyone is time and space. everyone is life would be better if i was dead and they did not have to deal with me. i think I am done,Suicidal +12610,"I made a post yesterday about how I was but it was useless. I have already admitted I will not ever have friends and that I will always be alone. I only have my parents, but they will not be forever, so in the future, I will be alone for the rest of my life. I do not even have fun playing videogames anymore, which is the thing I liked the most. I am too much of a coward to kill myself, so I have to keep suffering this life until I die from natural causes.I am tired of everything because I am a piece of trash who no one wants to be with. I always fuck up at everything and lose all my friends or relationships each time I make them. Even a girl cheated on me because I am a shitty person and did not give her enough attention. I cannot stand this anymore... I want everything to end... I am tired of life.",Suicidal +12611,I stopped self harming I stopped looking down on myself i have stopped what everybody wants me to stop but I still want to kill myself I got grounded from my friends my mom is super homophobic and abusive CPS was supposed to come a YEAR ago nobody cares about me my therapist cancelled my therapist is not the best she told me how to get out of taking my meds and if I tell my psychiatrist anything I will get hospitalized the best thing for me now is to just kill myself I am done,Depression +12612,"I am now fighting AA, stilll in isolation.AA has an amazing support group even online.Is there something like it for depression? I am fighting AA there, but i need a real depression online group. Does it exist?List them here, or links to help fellow kin Covid Support Groups",Depression +12613,me podria ayudar sabiendo maneras de morir es que en verdad no quiero seguir con esto y bueno creo que este es el unico lugar donde puedo expresar mis intenciones buenas gente nesecito una gran ayuda,Suicidal +12614,"i just turned 47 today. I have relapsed into a major depressive episode. the past 4 months have been the worst (mentally) ever. I have had bad major deep depressive episodes in my past. for years at a time. I have gone the SSRI route and been through therapy. I have been through CBT twice. I have practiced mindfulness/meditation.my birthday means nothing to me. I am just surprised I have lasted this long.i keep posting on reddit and reaching out to people in real life. it appears that no matter where i am physically, with friends, by myself, with family, I am disconnected. i do not want to think or feel. i no longer want any of this.i slept for maybe 2 hours a couple of nights ago. i had a nightmare that i was alone. i constantly think about suicide. i can barely distract myself. i have breakdowns every day.I am not working, hobbies are not enjoyable, i do not have a relationship (girlfriend). I am so far from being content.i have a plan. want to end it stream of thought",Depression +12615,"I hate the government here in Australia they will not let me take my own life, I do not want to be forced to live on in this disgraceful earth with these humans around, absolutely hate it and just want to die already I hate Australia for not letting me die!",Suicidal +12616,"Pretty much the title... Job sucks, no relationship, cannot find anything I want to do, sleep is next best thing to killing myself...",Suicidal +12617,"Now that I am in my 30s, I realise my depression maybe because by both my parents being depressed. I know genetically it can be transferred but I am wondering if nurture wise it can be passed on? I notice that I also think negatively- never solutions to problems and I know this is from my mom.My parents have no hobbies or interests and either do I but I am thinking this is because I did not grow up seeing this or being in that sort of environment. These are just 2 examples but do you think it is possible? Can having depressed parents because children to me depressed",Depression +12618,What ever this is. I am not about it.I have felt this way since I was a kid. Call it untreated clinical depression. I have never felt at home in the world we live in.It actively hurts. I have been called an empath which I guess I can agree with.The only thing that holds me here is other's pain which is just more depressing.Hey everyone. I hope your day is going okay. This thing blows,Depression +12619,"**We are looking for candidates to contribute to our online forum** to connect and share your experiences with CBD, possibly making you one of the few individuals who have access to the diverse range of audiences and high-traffic exposure NobleCanni offers. We provide NobleCanni contributors:* The opportunity to publish a promotional guest post on our high-traffic blog with SEO backlinks* Access to diverse audiences and warm leads* Opportunity to share your story with like minded individuals We are looking for those who have used CBD as a remedy for their depression to share their experiences and to build long-term, mutually beneficial partnerships with. We hold candidates to a high standard and expect productive civil discussion. NobleCanni is extending this opportunity to a select few individuals, giving you the chance to invest in a meaningful, long-term partnership at the ground floor of a revolutionary startup company. You can access the forum through our website [ Best regards,NobleCanni Contributors",Depression +12620,"lmao my parents hate me they even confirmed that, I do not have friends and should I tell my online friends that I will kms I already have a suicidal note prepared from May pain life is pain",Suicidal +12621,When your circumstances are bad and you cannot figure a way out? How to develop a will to live?,Depression +12622,"I am just so tired. Nothing feels real anymore and has not for a while. Even if I come to terms with life at night and fall sleep feeling okay, when I wake up it feels impossible to start the day.",Depression +12623,"I have been struggling for many years with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Now I am at an all time low and i cannot take this anymore. Everyday is the same, i have no energy for a single thing, people around me keep telling me that there is so much to live for, but i cannot see that in my dark place and it has not gotten better in years. The thoughts of ending my life and writing goodbye letters kind of give me peace. But other thoughts just keep flooding my brain and it is too exhausting to take it any longer..Maybe someone can relate. I do not want to kill myself, but i want to die",Suicidal +12624,"it is like I have lost the energy to just.. exist. I am not even able to do simple things like watch my favorite shows or play my favorite games. it is more of a chore than something to enjoy.I kind of just lay in bed all day and do nothing. I have been stuck in a really bad rut and I do not really know how to get out of it. The approach of school soon are not really helping it either. I am not sure what I will do when it comes to studying, considering I barely have the energy to get up and shower some days. Boy what a mess. I am really tired all the time.",Depression +12625,"I decided I am going to go through with it. Its really not even because of you but everything that happened yesterday. I realize I do not want to exist anymore. I am too tired for this. I am going to spend whatever time left with my family and go home and just do it. I doubt you will read this, you blocked me anyways. I am going to kill myself, D. At least that way you will be free. You will not ever have to worry about me again.Consider it a gift. you are welcome. Its the last thing I can do for you. So goodbye, I guess. I will not make it all fancy because I am actually serious this time. So goodbye. For good. Sorry for everything and good luck. You Got Your Wish",Suicidal +12626,"for reference, I am a fifteen year old transmasc who has no diagnoses simply because my parents will not allow me to get tested. back when i was twelve, i dealt with the suicide of a loved one and received no support from my own family simply because it was an online relationship. and before you say anything, i know hes gone for sure, i saw his whole obituary.i was doing better, but always started crashing around mid-july until i do not know, maybe september. i neglect to take care of myself and start to withdraw socially.this year was particularly bad. i had recently discovered that I am trans and with the fact that i have to be extremely closeted due to transphobic parents, i suffer from extreme dysphoria.last night, i relapsed. i had taken my scissors out of my room to prevent it but i guess getting rid of my nail-biting habit just caused my nails to be sharper. i was clean for two years and now i do not know what to do with myself. i wish i was just normal. disappontment",Depression +12627,"Just read and watch some of my favorite musician or actress that end their life. Even in mid 30s and 40s seems like in never get better. I been thinking about doing it for 4 years Hey guys, is it going to be get better?",Suicidal +12628,"Hello there, 23F here. I have a chronic depression which I am trying my absolute best to deal with.there is a thing that is messing things up for me and I hope you guys have some advice on that and/or want to share your similar experiences. I find it very hard to entertain myself. I know lots of small and bigger activities to do but my body just does not want to, in my mind I want to because I know it will be better to be distract myself. Whenever I have 30 (sometimes even less) minutes time which I am not doing anything I go in a state of apathy which results in making it waaay harder to do stuff and most of the time result in doing nothing or just watching Netflix or some other brainless things. I am in this vicious circle for a long time and I want to successfully break out of it. I know that I just have to do it but, maybe you have some advice on making things easier. All tips and tricks are welcome :)I have talked about this topic with my psychologist by the way but did not get the tips I might wanted to hear. Help with apathy because of not being able to entertain myself",Depression +12629,Ever cried for nothing especially when you want to sleep and you burst into tears that is normal guys do not ever felt that no once looking at you i have always been bursting to tears after my father left at home because of a fight and i have self esteem since that then my father always beat me with a belt since i was 4 and put me on a sack and hung me up on a tree for 6 hour straight and when i was 13 i got home around 11PM since a little project at that time i have told my father the reason why i did not come home around 9:00 pm i was beaten on the ground and was hit with a belt an was shot with a airsoft gun on my body around 27 Plastic bullets and i was force to knelt on the Plasti bullets after that and i always get bullied at school when it was turning January 1 2020 i got a fight with my father and i fight back since I am 18 at that time and he left my mother blame me of that incident and i always do not talk mu problems with someone else and I do not kind of have close friends.... This is my story that why i got my depression,Depression +12630,"So where do I start I went to kill myself last week and I got took to this temporary accommodation because my mom said she could not keep me safe with carers thinking they are helping me but in reality its full of undercover police trying to build a case on me for something I am not even going to say what I know they think I have done but questions like why this building what happened on the day did you write a note etc and I have added it up to what they think I tried to do I have autism I talk to much and I have incriminated myself, I know what charges Ill be facing if you all can add it up I speak too much my mental health is fucked I hear things I have bpd, autism and agoraphobia I am getting special treatment here and I have only just realised what they think my intentions were that day. I am not going to day the word but if you can all work out what they think i tried to do then you know,Yes I understand what it looks like but instead of trying to help me they have tried to incriminate me, my family have no idea what is going on with me either, I feel so lost in this world bullied by the system and now I am probably going to be facing some serious charges because I tried to take my own life, yes I know what it looks like going to a specific building with no suicide note looks abit fishy to the authorities, but I have only just realised that this is FUCKED!I am not a bad person and I know that but I cannot go from here they say its for my mental health but I know they are building a case.Bro I tried taking my life the other day got rushed to the best hospital in the city got treated within 5 mins like I am somebody they want to keep alive it do not work like that here in England especially with the state the NHS is inIM SO SCARED FUCK THE SYSTEM Been set up by undercover police after my suicide attempt FUCK THE SYSTEM !",Suicidal +12631,they know i cut myself and they never take the time to ask if i am okay.i cry every night because i feel lonely and feel like i do not belong.i hate them so much If I kill myself I want my former friends to feel guilty for the rest of their lives,Depression +12632,"That was the first time in 2.5years that I was out longer then 5 minutes.My brother and I talked and enjoyed each other's company. I do not think I would make it, my anxiety was so high but we made it to 13 km and visited my dad at work. I am exhausted and I know Ill crash later but I am happy that I followed through with our plan :) I went on a bike ride with my brother",Depression +12633,"I tried hanging myself when I was 16. The rope broke. I fell down on my face, drunk and in tears. The pain was unbearable and I felt like nobody in the world could help me.I am now 20 years old. I took a lot of advice from different people I respected, I was dealing with very serious family issues that were more or less pushed onto my lap, since mental illness runs in my family and I suppose people thought I was good for something at the time.I understand now, this disease has no cure. Ill always be a hostage to my own mind and a punching bag for everyone else. I do not believe in God, but I pray he gives me some stronger rope this time. Good luck, guys. Much love. Slipping back into suicidal thoughts after 4 years.",Suicidal +12634,"There are a number of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) techniques that I have found helpful for myself including Spielmans 3-P model, which helps explain depression and anxiety. It says that there are 3 main factors that come together to create a chronic illness (like depression or anxiety disorders). The first is predisposing factors. Predisposing factors are things like genetics or cultural/family attitudes and they are generally out of our control. Predisposing factors increase our chance of developing the symptoms of a chronic issue (if the other two factors are also present). The next is precipitating factors (or triggers) which lead to the manifestation of the symptoms (in your case maybe the panic attack at 13). Precipitating factors are usually traumatic experiences. In order for the illness to become chronic, there generally needs to be perpetuating factors as well. Perpetuating factors are thoughts or behaviors which often initially arose to help you cope with the symptoms, but now are causing the issue to continue. Behavioral activation is a specific type of CBT for depression that helps you identify what your perpetuating behaviors may be and take concrete steps to stop engaging in those behaviors. An example of one of my own perpetuating factors for depression was isolating myself/not leaving the house. In many cases this urge to isolate arose out of mental fatigue or to avoid anxiety provoking situations. But in the long run, too much isolation worsened my depression because I ended up cutting myself off from the people, activities, and outside information (outside of my own brain) that helped me regulate my emotions and feel more pleasure/joy. Changing a perpetuating behavior once you have identified it takes patience and coping skills. Coping skills help you cope with the uncomfortable emotions that come up in a way that does not perpetuate the problem. It was hard for me to get myself to do the therapy (especially in the beginning) but I can tell it has really rewired my brain in a way that makes life feel more pleasant. I am sorry about your suffering and I hope you find a way to feel better soon. CBT principles that I have found helpful",Depression +12635,"I am not scared of death, I want it, but I want it to happen like a car crash, hit by a bus, building falling on me. A way that does not i valve me doing it to myself... but lately, driving to and from work, all I can picture is flooring it into any tree, pole, body of water that I see. I entertain the thought every day now. I have not been this bad since I was in middle/high school. All my life I have been winging it because I did not think I would live this long. I wish I did not live this long, I cannot imagine living any longer. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of living a full life. Day after day. Heartbreak, illness, tragedy, natural disasters, wars. With the exception of a few good moment far in between. I cannot understand how that is worth it to anyone, but I guess I am not like anyone. Never have been. I am too self-aware to live in this world with the thoughts and abilities of observation that I have. I know when people do not like me, I know when I am being annoying, I know I am not pleasing to the eyes and hearts of those around me. They will not verbally say it, but I can read their body language. I can read through the tone of voice or messages. I can tell when everyone who I ever cared about has done me wrong. Especially lately. I cannot blame them. I do not like me either, I do not like how I look, sound, or act. I do not have a personality of my own. I merge. I blend. Or I just occupy a space. I can provide acts of service and endearment, but I am rarely able to connect. Or they cannot seem to connect with me. I used to be funnier, but in an immature freshman kind of humor that is not appropriate today. Now, I do not know anything it seem My brain cannot consume, resonate, or learn new information. It does not stick. Its not advanced like everyone else. I hate to ask questions because no matter what, I will not retain it. I am defective. My self imagine is lower than the floor, its in hell. Growing up being told I will one day blossom like a flower or go from being an ugly ducklong to a beautiful swan was hopeful.. but that day never came. I can make a list as long as a CVS receipt on all the things I hate about my appearance alone. Looking in the mirror is exhausting. Recently had a great friend do a photoshoot of me, I felt confident in the moment, but as soon as I saw the pictures... I loathed myself even more. she is a brilliant photographer with skills. I wish I could have enjoyed them as much as she did. My motivation of anything disappeared a long time ago. I used to draw, fish, play games, hang out with old friends all the time. have not been able to enjoy anything outside of mindless phone games. The friends i used to have, who I thought were my friends... all moved away. I should not be sad about it. They moved a long time ago and they were not nice to me behind my back, but that was when I had the most joy. We were inseparable, going on adventures... then after they moved, I reconnected with another friend who I thought was different.. turned out to be same. I have realized that I have always been the ugly weird friend people drag along to uplift their image and status. Those who I do or did connect with, they are excelling, moving forward with their own lives. I cannot relate to them because I am way back in the line. I do not want to block their way. New relationships, kids, work. I am so happy for them and wholeheartedly wish them the best. For my own relationships... 2 serious ones. First one was a dream come true. Everything I could ask for until it was not. I was at a point where I was moving forward and they were too, but in a very different sense.. I wish them the best and I wish I could take back some words. Now in my current one... if I even could say its currently happening.. 5 years. 5 years of what seemed to be my forever... until it was not, it might still be, but any outside perspective would tell me to run. We managed to get our first apartment, taught me how to drive, got a cat.. all the great milestones. Until it they decided it was not what they wanted anymore by communicating with their ex again. Since then, its been back and forth. My fault, continues to be my fault for staying. I do not even care anymore because I love them. I do not want anyone else. I also know when they leave for good... that will be the end times for me. One of the last threads that has been keeping here. it is fucked up, but that is my reality. Though, it brings me back to wanting it to end in a freak accident rather than myself because I do not want that burden on my parents. That was, still is another waiting period, if all else fails, I will wait until they pass. All I really know, is that I was not made to be here. I have no purpose in this world if all I do is sit and suffer. Repeatedly get hurt, especially on purpose. No personality that could allow new interactions, even then, I already know what the outcome of those would be. Its a cycle of non stop reminders that I have no worth, no value, no point in existing. I would much rather be in eternal slumber than existing agony. What is the point for me",Suicidal +12636,"It feels like the only thing keeping me moving nowadays is spite, and I do not WANT that. Can someone help? Dammit",Depression +12637,"TW: (SELF HARM) Last night, one of my cousins, who I am very close with, told me she needed to tell me something important. She told me I could not tell anyone, and that she is been going through a tough time and working on this issue by herself. I was anxious to hear what she said, and then she sent me pictures of her wrist all slit up. I was at lost for words. I truly did not know what to say. I have been on this boat and still did not know how to help her. I told her to speak to me on what is going on, and also speak to her counselor in college. I also recommended her to a tele-psychiatrist who could speak to her and prescribe her affordable medication without insurance, so that know one would know. I offered to pay for it too. (Our family is not too supportive on mental health).Its upsetting and I wish I could help more. She lives in a different state and I just do not know what to do. I love my little cousin and too lose her would be too much on my heart. Did I do the right thing? Medications were not too helpful for me but they got me through, so maybe it was not that helpful? I am still in shock and not sure what else to say to her. Maybe I should have said something else. I just want to help. My cousin sent me a picture of her wrist.",Depression +12638,"Nothing is easy, this is as good as it gets want to get a pet, a nice puppy that will be $5000 dollars, want to have a romantic relationship, nope too hard, I got no personality looks or whatever it requires, and I have nothing to say, too miserable I did have it all 100 years ago and I wrecked every chance including the once in a lifetime that was 10 000 days ago, wrecked because I was so stupid yeh that regret has put me in a mental hospital which was so bad I had to lie to say I was better to be able to get out. Yes cannot brush my hair, or teeth or get out of bed hellish anxiety and dread from all the horrible stuff that is still to come and stewing over my ruination I am a few steps away from going down again , all those faces who cannot look away fast enough, yes I am ironman now I have my revenge, yes keep away, oh you were going to anyway. No worries. it would all too hard",Depression +12639,"I graduated in 2020 with a Computer Science degree. Now it is almost 2022 and I still cannot find a job. Everywhere I look, they always require 1\~2 years for a junior position, and the very few true entry-level job postings I found just straight up reject me. I think I average 7\~8 applications a day. I do not have any internship but I have at least 3 projects on my resume. I re-wrote the fucking thing so many many times. Still can not land a job. What will happen to people that unable to get internships during their university. Are they just fucked? Do you know why death sounds so good to me? It will bring me peace. I will not have to wake up worrying about my future. I will not have to go to the park just to cry and come home pretending like nothing happened. Death will wake me up from this nightmare. Convince me otherwise, reddit. I am slowly losing any reason to keep waking up to this eternal torture. This world is a fucking nightmare. This life has no meaning and only serve to make money",Depression +12640,I am 30 and never been so depressed in my life. it is seriously affecting my way of living and I do not know if I can take it anymore. I tried seeing a therapist a couple years ago but she looked so bored listening to me (she was falling asleep...). I never bothered looking again after that. I now have this idea that maybe adults should not see therapists. Maybe I am supposed to know how to deal with my own issues because I am not a kid anymore. I am afraid that therapists are tired of hearing the same shit and see adults as being stupid for not knowing how to solve their own problems. Part of me knows that is not true but part of me also cannot help but think these things. Could some people please enlighten me? what is it like seeing a therapist as an adult?,Depression +12641,I feel like every step I take not only do I get knocked back 2 steps but when I stop and look around I am just climbing stairs to a destroyed building. that is what my depression feels like. I cannot go anywhere but backwards but even then there is nothing waiting for me at the end. I just do not know what to do anymore. It seems Everytime I try to better myself everything and anything uses its power to stop me. All I do is try everyday but at this point I do not even want to wake up or do anything. I wish I could just never wake up or wake up In a different body somewhere else. Is there any point to walk up these stairs or ladders?,Depression +12642,"Recently, my emotions have numbed to the point where happiness, sadness, anger, despair, anxiety etc. Are rare occurrences. It feels as though my emotions are gone, I do not know if I even have the ability to cry anymore.something is wrong with me, but what it could be is a mystery. Emotions are not felt very often by me anymore. I just want to feel something, anything. I am going crazy, I swear. Why cannot I feel anything?",Depression +12643,"I am going to put this here since I got no one else to tell. The past 2 months my mental health has completely crumbled. My friends did not reach out to me, I always had to reach out to them. It was just really obvious these past 2 months that they do not care, never did they reach out and even ask if I was okay. Just nothing. The fact that I am a lonely loser just amplified itself these past 2 months.I always thought that reaching out to a friend that you think is having a bad day was normal. My friends all knew I have depression and yet not one message of comfort was sent to me. Friends were always important to me my whole life but now that I am experiencing life after school, everything just feels so hopeless. I am stuck with depression and it feels like no matter what I do, I cannot just get rid of it. My friends always said to improve myself and whatnot, if it was that simple then I would not be this depressed and suicidal.I just felt so lonely these past 2 months. After I reached out one last time to one of my friends, he said the reason they do not reach out and check up on me is that ""we are adults now"". After he said I should just toughen up. Those words have been stuck in my head the past week. I do not know what is right or wrong anymore but what I do know is that I want to move on, I simply do not want to live anymore.Just then I removed them all from my social medias and friends lists. The amount of pain I went through my life just outweighs any good that happened. I never had a girlfriend at all and the fear of being lonely forever is eating away at me. Seeing that those friends do not care enough just made me more and more depressed by the day. Being told to toughen up is just bullshit. All these bullshit excuses and words they tell me, I just had enough of.I just hate everything, I cared so much for my friends and the care just was not returned. Anyways guys, I am probably not going to post again and honestly I feel extremely suicidal right now so this might be my last post on Reddit. Sick of it all",Depression +12644,"i am going through a lot in my life. my wife is struggling with mental health and no matter what I do it feels like nothing helps.I am leaning towards the idea of restricting my arms and legs and tying a plastic bag over my head.if I succeed I do not have to keep hurting like this, and hurting everyone around me.if I do not, I will not know how badly I was hurting, I will be able to live without knowing how bad my depression is, I will not be able to feel how disappointed everyone is with me. I will not know, and I will not care. it is difficult to not feel like this is the only option.I am trying to get my wife psychiatric help. I am trying so hard.I have been avoiding my own doctors appointments for urgent things so that I can afford food. I feel like I am at the end of the rope. I just want it all to end I am having a hard time avoiding romanticizing the idea of having a brain injury due to failed suicide",Suicidal +12645,"Because of decisions that are out of my hand, I am forced to kill myself.I feel bad for my sister and my friend I was talking on Reddit and Instagram. I hope they both will have a great life. I am 99% sure that I will kill myself after coming back from vacation.",Suicidal +12646,I am already extremely upset that my family and psychiatrist do not support me. My treatment team does not support me. I thought I could turn to Reddit for support but people Are downvoting me and I just feel like everyone hates me and wants me dead. And I cannot deal with that. I just want to die. I am so sick of this CTO and the lack of sleep and the freaking emotional rollercoaster. I just keep crying and feeling everything and it is so hard. I hate myself so much I just want to die. I am saving up enough pills so maybe it will work I feel like everyone on here hates me,Suicidal +12647,"Hey guys. First timer here on the page. Never went to a doctor, never have been diagnosed or anything, but i I am always sad, i pretend I am not, i try to play the goofy friend act in front of my family and friends, but i feel constantly sad, even way before the pandemic, and i have daily suicidal thoughts. I cane here with the hope someone could someone relate and naybe give some advice. Thanks. Suicidal thoughts",Depression +12648,"For the last few months I have been feeling less and less powerful emotions. I do not feel genuine. Every time I talk to someone else, it feels like an act. I just go with the flow of the schedule my mother made for me. Wake up, take the dog for a walk, sit down to study, eat, go out for a jog, study more and sleep. I used to play some games and cube but I do not find any joy in those things anymore.And now for the last couple of weeks I feel like I spend every moment of my conscious day about falling off a building. I go through the day on autopilot with the thought of the wind rushing all over my body in the foreground of my thoughts.I had a girlfriend and a few friends before I started losing interest in interacting with others as it felt taxing and just boring. Slowly my interactions with them stopped.I do not even feel horny anymore, jacking off feels like just another task to do in the morning. I used to find people attractive but now everyone looks the same. I still try to act like a nice person when online because I thought that the whole happiness multiplies by sharing it had some weight to it but it does nothing for me.I have this empty feeling in my gut all the time. I try to ignore it by studying the whole day but it just does not stop.My father fucking hates me now after I told him about this, my mother is acting like I never told her about this.I tried to make myself happy by taking a couple of days to just do the things that made me happy but they feel like chores I imposed on myself.I just fucking hate that I spend every day thinking about falling but do not have the guts to really do it. I always feel at the verge of crying but can never cry. I feel like I am not a person any more.",Suicidal +12649,"When I say casually, I do not mean kind of, or just a little bit, or has thoughts, but does not plan on acting. My friend actually has a situation that I cannot find one other post similar to anywhere on Reddit. My friend is not afraid of death or suicide. They are not terribly depressed, according to them. They just would rather have nothing than something. There is no intensity in their emotions when talking about this. They feel that they have the right to not play the game of life. Life and losing life both have very little weight to them. Their potential suicide is not a big deal to them. They do not think they should be responsible for the people that their death hurts because they were not responsible for being born so, again, they say they have the right to end themselves. I did not ask to come here so I should be allowed to leave. We are both in our 20s.All the things I have tried to say just seem to not make any dent in their thoughts. It seems to be something not worth thinking too deeply about for them. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any advice for me to stop him? My friend is casually suicidal, for lack of a better term. Is there anything I can do?",Suicidal +12650,"So what even is the point of living for 60 more years of this bullshit? How I am I suppose to last atleast 40 more years of these same thought I been having for 3 years?? Nothing changes or helps so what the fuck I am a suppose to do??Everyone tells me the same bullshit advice I am tired of it like its all a lie.- Life gets better- got to keep pushing thru- People care about you- Your usefull and talented- that is selfish of you if you do- You need to find hobbies- Go out and explore life- Everyone hates life and working- Everyone has to put up with life- do not give up, something well get better- You have a bright future ahead of you- You need help- Get on meds and a therapist- You need to grow upBut how I am I suppose to change all this when all my thoughts and everything I do I the opposite of these people? They do not seem to understand I hate life and I do not see anything in my future or nor do I give a fuck lol.. Why do I even live? Everyday I tell myself I should just do it the past 2 years I think about killing myself everyday. Honestly I do not see a point in living, life is so boring to me even tho I have everything I want already and it still sucks lol.",Suicidal +12651,"I am grateful for the cool weather I am grateful for the desire to go for a walk this morning I am grateful for waterI am grateful for the desire to make life better I am grateful for tumsI'm running a little late today, so I am adding one extra gratitude for each hour.I am grateful for YouTube cooking and baking lessons I am grateful for the desire to self actualize and pursue my own personal development I am grateful for the desire to work towards a healthier dietJoin me every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at 7am(est) and feel free to join in if you can. I look forward to seeing what you are grateful for, or if I can simply just inspire the desire in you. Gratefulness journal",Depression +12652," have 200% of the symptoms and it destroyed my relations with friend and girlfriend.Its actually destroying my work, what to do help me please.. I have mental sickness",Suicidal +12653,My boyfriend left me because I told my old friend about my situation of when I was touched as a kid. The thing is this friend is no longer in my life but when I told them I did not want to but they kept bugging me to explain and it all got to me because they were making details and it just all came back. I told my boyfriend this and he got mad at me because I did not tell him first but I wanted to tell him when I was ready to because its horrible to talk about. And he does not understand.. please help me. I just want him to know I trust him and that I did not want to tell my old friend and that its hard to even type it He left me because I did not tell him I was touched,Suicidal +12654,"I posted on other sub as well, not fishing for anything just want to vent that is all.I am a lame and an ugly dude. Someone i knew once told me that i got a head that only a mother could love. Another one told me that I am lucky that i am a boy cuz no one would marry me if i were a girl. I rarely had any luck with girls. When i go out with my friend girls always fancy him. I never get any attention. Throughout my 24 years on this earth, i can only think of three girls who were interested in me. One made out with me but stop halfway because I was inexperienced in kissing. The other two exchanged numbers but they never wanted to go out with me. The only thing i got going on in my life is my job as a mechanical engineer and potential inheritance from my parents. Everyday is sadness fest for me. I feel lonely. I always wonder what is it like to be in a relationship, to have friends to talk to, weekend plans to look forward to. I never look forward to going home after work instead i burry my sorrows with overtime. I want to have friends to go to festivals with. what is stopping me from achieving all of the things i listed, are my insecurities about my look, my lack of social skills due to years of oppression during my childhood, my social anxiety and my looping depression.How can my life get better if i get nervous when talking people ? How can my hope to meet a romantic partner be actualised when I do not have the social skills ?How can develop my social skills when i get social anxiety when i am in a social setting ?I do not see a way out of this beside death, and a really optimistic belief that i will go to heaven or reborn again as a penguin (cuz they are cute).My constant suicidal thoughts get stronger and stronger everyday and I have no one to talk too. This is my first time posting my feeling out in public, I do not expect anything in return. I just want to vent out..I do not want to die but the pain is too hard to handle. I am so done, but am I ready to end it ????",Depression +12655,"I cannot stop cutting really badly, I made a huge gaping one about an hour ago that extends from one end of my arm to the other end and I have hastily half glued half stitched it up. I keep saying this but it keeps happening...""this one is the worst so far""Like... To think before a few months ago I had not done it past cat scratches and now I am going super overboard... I burned myself for the first time like last week, I do not understand how I have gotten it this bad, and the worse I do it the worse I feel like I need to do it next time, I am having dreams that I am cutting arms off. I have had 4 attempts on my life this year and I feel like only one time I was not fully serious about it, the other three times were serious attempts and the feeling afterwards is so shameful, and embarrassing.How do I get the nasty voice out of my head telling me to keep trying to die? it is not always there but when it comes I cannot get out of it, I do not end up feeling sad, just numb... And then I do something really dangerous. Is it because I have made it a self fulfilling prophecy to not live to see next year? How much longer do I have to cry every day? I had a therapist come over today but it was really weird because we could not hear each other properly through our masks. Self harm/suicide vent",Depression +12656,"I(18 yrs. old, M) started feeling this kind of feeling when I was in Junior High School. Every time a certain part of life gets harder, I lose my motivation to accomplish and I am having self-doubts if it is actually worth it to waste my energy to complete something. I feel like I cannot achieve my dreams. its hard to appreciate life and enjoy living.I am Obese, Shy, Insecure and Always Anxious. I noticed that I am easily irritable as the years go by. I will be become a Freshman College student this school year and I am so worried about my future. Its getting hard to wake up. I wish that I could sleep forever, so that I could never worry about the future and responsibilities. Responsibilities. Whenever I was given a hard responsibility, it is hard to meet their expectations. It stresses both my body and mind. Ever since I started feeling unmotivated and depressed, I just let myself go with the flow. The concept of love and romance to me is....nothing. I just..do not care about making a relationships anymore. The feeling of being myself alone is just what keeps me going. I am always having thoughts about why am I still alive?, suicide, someone/something killing me, accidents that will kill me, anything that will kill me. I am always begging to GOD to ""just take me already"" whenever I was having a mental breakdown due to stress, how people( like my parents) are disappointed to me, making a mistake(even a small one). I am so afraid of failing. Every I time i fail, i feel unmotivated, apathetic to anything.The only things that keep me going are surfing the internet, playing games, listening to music and reading books. I hate reading books when I was a kid but during Junior high school, I come to appreciate how fantasy books are. Fantasy Books gives me a feeling of freedom. Whenever I read these kind of books, I always insert myself as the MC, thinking what would if I was the MC. The only things that are interesting to me are entertaining video(I always stream on YouTube), fantasy books(mostly isekais, light-novels). i always wished that the our VR Technology would advance just like Sword Art Online. Create worlds that I want to live in.How to get rid of this feeling? How do I motivate myself to keep on going? How do i get motivation for pursuing my dreams?&#x200B; (Sorry for grammar issues, English is not my native language. This is my first time in Reddit.) Loss of Motivation and Depressed",Depression +12657,what is the most painless way to die? Best way to die?,Suicidal +12658,"I do not want to die as such, I just do not have the fucking energy to exist anymore I do not care for being alive today",Depression +12659,"I have been completely sober for 12 days now. no weed, no alcohol, no nicotine. (and no porn)and while its been one of the hardest things for me to do, i think its helping. it forces me to deal with the heavy emptiness i feel inside head on. and the pain has been getting so bad that its forcing me to do things, just anything to deal with it. like working out a little, playing video games, music, and even talking to my self, in depth, about how terrible i feel all the time.and I have been getting better.i never felt so hopeless that i have for the past 3 years of my life and I have felt like I have stared into the abyss and what I have seen could not be unseen.and while I am still *far* from doing good,i am considerably better, and i plan to continue.2 things i want to touch on that have been good for me.1, is videogames.i used to LOVE playing games, but these past few years, they have felt more like chores than fun. more distraction than happiness. but the fact that i am actively playing again and even getting a bit excited about the games I am playing and going to play is HUGE for me.2 is talking to myself.I have been going through a major existential crisis for a while now that has been getting worse and worse to the point where i felt like all words were nothing but meaningless lies in a sad attempt to make us feel better in an endless pit of chaos that is our reality.but I have gotten to the point where even if that is true, i do not care anymore. atleast not as much. and I have been talking as though i were my own therapist, and going in depth about how i feel, memories i have, dreams, ect, so forth. and I have had 3 emotional breakdowns in the past week and a half. each one filled with tears.and i seriously think its helping.I am still trying to get my passion for music back, but I am listening more actively and even finding myself enjoying music again time from time.you guys have no idea how much that means for me. anyways, i just wanted to share, i diddnt know where else to. and i hope this can serve as a beacon for anyone who feels lost, because trust me.. i get it. i may not understand your specific pain, but i do understand pain. and hopelessness. and feeling like you are in an inescapable prison filled with insanity that feeds it self endlessly. maybe there is hope. <3 feeling hopeful again",Suicidal +12660,"I have been suicidal since I was 17. I was miserable. Always drinking, self harming, never being honest with my family or friends and always unhappy. They all found out eventually because I had to stay at a psych ward for 2 weeks in 2017. Fast forward to present day, I meet the most incredible human being ever. We worked together, and became friends. He understood me, asked questions about my feelings, stayed on the phone with me for hours late at night, until 5 or 6am some nights. When I was talking or hanging out with him, I had no worries and I was the happiest I have been since going to Disneyland when I was a kid.Only problem is, I started to fall in love. He is taken, so I kept it to myself. I tried to get over it and just be friends. Sometimes it would be worth it and other times it would hurt but I stuck through the pain because he is too important to lose. I do not talk to my family or any other friends like that. I have tried. Hes the only one I got besides my therapist. It got to be too much one night and I ended up confessing my feelings. He said we could still be friends. That was a week ago, and he will not reply to any of my texts or calls. I am torn between giving him space and trying to fix this but it seems like he just needs time. I have been doing everything I can to distract myself. I feel empty. I cannot do this without him. A part of me is missing. I have barely spoke since this happened. I drink all the time, smoking non stop. Anything to make me forget that I might have just fucked up the best thing for me. I cannot stop thinking about all the memories we were going to share. I feel destroyed. I miss him so much. do not tell me Ill find another friend one day because this friendship is different, its once in a lifetime. my best friend is not talking to me and I just want to rot away.",Suicidal +12661,"I do not feel like a person anymore. I have lost all interest in things that used to interest me. I do not feel any strong emotions just an empty type of feeling in the pit of my stomach. I try to act normal, both online and irl but its just acting, its not genuine. Sometimes I feel like jumping off a high building.Its almost become a fantasy now. I might be at my desk, studying but my mind will be just on leaving everything I own on fire and jumping off and just falling down for a few seconds through the wind and just dying quickly and with no responsibility.I do not find people attractive anymore, I have lost almost all sex drive. I just jerk off to jerk off. That too just once a couple of days.I used to love watching shows but now I cannot concentrate on them, I just think about running away and falling.I always feel at the verge of tears but cannot cry, I have not had a laugh in months.I just study, go on walks and sleep. None of the things I like help me feel anything. I just want to vent.",Suicidal +12662,He told me before he has depression and is on meds for it. I also know hes got a LOT of stresses right now. But I do not want to look foolish by continuing to reach out to him. How can I know if my romantic interest is isolating due to depression or if hes losing interest?,Depression +12663,My head is being filled with nothing but disturbing thoughts. I have never thought about suicide for this long without stop. I am trying but nothing is working. Never have I thought in such detail for my own death. Just when I thought it was getting better. I am going to. I just do not know when,Suicidal +12664,"I am a teenager/highschooler and Basically a loner with so little friends, I am struggling with emotions but not mentally ill, I have Misophonia at the age of 14 and was born with mood swings, I could not control my own anger and sadness aswell. Back then, I have been already emotionally unstable and I seriously cannot fight my thoughts and feelings about a lot of things. I thought about hating myself all the time, Even the girls and guys at our school think that I am a jerk, A weirdo, A stranger and many more, I used to have friends but they never returned to me and I drifted away from them,I got lonely, I have no one to talk to, but I am not so shy and I do love to talk but I am also not so desperate at chatting with anyone, I think it is just better to leave them by.. I hate to say but inb4 I had many friends like a lot of friends but thinks gets worse as I become so confident, egotistical and narcissistic. They started to hating me, Every groupings I have been the sore eyes from them, I have gotten very lonely by that, and never got any friends left... I am probably a loser, a creep, uninteresting and Stupid. I never stop thinking about those days that people laugh at my mistakes I hope I was born a monster that I could fight back, But since I know it is wrong I just could not do it, I also think that I am a coward and weak and such... There more stuff That I wanted to say but let me end this for just a couple more because I do not want to make this too long. I was a very kind and loyal person, I love to give people what they want and it joys me everytime I hear say thanks but no one in my acquaintances seems to know me well, I have passion about art and 3D sculpture but seems to fade away because of lack of motivation...I wish I could much as in this subreddit... I freakn love this sub, I hope I could cure my depression and I am so thankful to be here sharing some advices, I know these things that I shared are not the ones that is, as worse as the other ones but I believe that there is many more like me that needs help and after reading this would help us reach others hands and start a new friendship. I cannot Escape my thoughts",Depression +12665,Does smoking weed help with depression? weed,Depression +12666,"The pain of existence is just not worth it.There is nothing to gain, everything to lose. I do not understand why anybody wants to stay alive",Suicidal +12667,"Let me preface this by saying that I have med resistant MDD. I am not judging anyone, but I am genuinely curious, as I struggle too. I understand and agree with the concept of everyone is in charge of their own choices. I mean ultimately, who else is? *I* have to choose to make good or bad choices. So why is it so hard for me, and other depression sufferers, to just make a better choice? I should eat better. I should exercise. I should do more Self-Care. But instead, I eat processed shit. I drink. I smoke. I do not move my body. If I am aware that only I can make choices to improve myself, then why TF cannot I just do it?! Why is it so hard?",Depression +12668,"I do not debate with myself anymore about the outward circumstances impacting me. It feels like I suffered deafness from sudden impact to my mind. I can still see, hear, feel what is going on around me but it is all muted. I have become so detached I am starting to not even ruminate on things anymore. There is just silence. A stillness inside. An acceptance. A knowing: this is what life is, this is what people are like, this is your life. Meaningless receptor of pain. A type of damage and grief that is so large it has become a void inside me without echo. I just exist in it. Laying staring in the distance. I stopped fighting. I lay dying figuratively now. Just darkness, the silence, the depth, the fright, the terror. I feel like an helpless animal that was being attacked so at first I fought frantically. Now I just lay no longer fighting back, not crying though the pain is present, being terrorized abused, destroyed. I am disassociating as I lay dying. My breaths are heavy like my mind. I do not care anymore. I am free falling in slow motion in the void. A ghost in a she will. Does anyone else feel this way? Did I explain myself well? When it all became silent",Suicidal +12669,"I have been trying to get short term disability to attend an intensive outpatient therapy program, but it is been very difficult to coordinate all these work/medical/legal things. I am at my wit's end, and i really just want to give up on trying to get better, and leave my amazing, loving supporting husband, to live in my parents' basement. I am just really sick of trying so hard and i want to free the people i love so they can live their best, happiest lives. suggestions, comments, thoughts? i want to give up and live with my parents",Depression +12670,"I am the older out of me and my younger sister, as young girls we used to be extremely close as you would imagine kids to be, but I feel like we have grown apart. I have gotten multiple jobs and am about to get a full time job and have a boyfriend and about to move out, and my younger sister fro about two years now (ever since she is finished highschool) has been so withdrawn, all she does is sleep in till 3, wake up, eat something then goto sleep. I have forced her to come out with me for dinner, for adventures etc she still goes back into this she will. I spoke to our parents about it and they just shrug their shoulders. Seriously what am I supposed to do I feel like its all my responsibility but nothing I do is working. Need advice for my little sister",Depression +12671,"(I am not sure if this is the right sub to be seeking advice on this) I have been struggling lately a lot with my mental healt to the point its too much for me to bare on my own. I started taking medication (zoloft) a month ago but I would like to try going to the therapy. There is a organisation within my area that provides NHS counselling that my doctor recommended, but they are only working during office hours and I am unable to attend that as I work 9am-6pm.So my question is does anyone know any other counseling I can try ( in the UK) that I would be able to do in the evenings or weekends? I had a look online and I cannot afford paid therapists as they charge around 100/h but maybe someone knows any cheaper alternatives or NHS service?Thanks for any replies and help. Seeking advice from anyone in UK about counselling",Depression +12672,"The girl in question is my best friend and I am one of hers (not speculation, she is told me that before). Yesterday we went out with our entire group of friends, had a little too much to drink and someone straight up asked if there was any attraction between members of the group. When it came to her she listed the male members of the group (like we asked her to) and she just bluntly named the guys she would like to sleep with and the 2 she really would not. Par for the course of my entire life she named me in the second group. I laughed it off but I am honestly devastated, not surprised mind you since only one girl has ever fancied me and that was over a decade ago. I must admit that before all of this happened I had a tiny sliver of hope she might fancy me since we get along incredibly well.Now before any of you think of calling her a bitch, she really is not. All of us slightly pressured her to answer the question and I personally told her to be honest about it.&#x200B;Thanks for reading, even if it is only one or two of you. I have nobody to tell about this but I REALLY needed to get it off my chest. Even though I am devastated right now I am sure I will recover again like I have done time and time and time again. Unfortunately it is not the first time I am in this situation.Stay strong my friends. The girl I have been crazy about for months basically just told me I am the last guy she would ever want to be with and I have not felt this bad in 8 years.",Depression +12673,"Hi, I have been diagnosed with Major Depression Syndrome. Out of mostly curiosity, I am trying to figure the use of 2 different anti depressants and why the need to 2 different ones? Can someone help me understanding such Prozac helps with xxxx Wellbutrin helps with yyyyy. Prozac and Wellbutrin? Why 2 different drugs are given?",Depression +12674,"I feel completely devoid of all emotion. I do not know if its my mood stabilisers or anti depressants but I literally could not give a single fuck about anything. I just want to sit/lie down all day alone, not talking to anyone and not seeing anyone. I have no thoughts, no motivation to do anything. People say go out and do something you will feel better but I do not feel better, I feel worse. I spend the whole time I am out just wanting to go back home to my safe bubble where I can be alone and not have to hold a conversation. I am sick of trying to pretend I give a fuck because I do not. I am filled with dread every time I think I might have to interact with someone, making excuses to people why they cannot come over. I have been this way for 11 years, god knows I have tried I have had therapy I take my medication every single day but it does not work. Nothing works. The only time I am happy is when I am asleep, I just want to sleep forever. I have no feelings. Just want to sleep and be left alone.",Depression +12675,"Using a throwaway acc for privacy concerns.A female here. My childhood was trash. I do not remember being happy as a child. Fuck my own personality and environment for ruining my childhood. Dealing with depression for almost 10 years. No one cares. Just no one. My parents just say ""you idiot. Just do not be sad. it is that easy. do not be a sensitive piece of shit"". What am I supposed to say? I hated therapy and finally stopped it. Too exhausting and therapists do not actually care about me. Just money. US healthcare system is just a joke. I am having too many anxiety attacks. Lack of social skills. Having no friends. People leave me all the time when they realise I am just a depressed negative person. Suffering from insomnia. Tried to overdose like 4 months ago. Not to die. I wanted to hurt myself as I can. Threw up on myself like a bitch. Disgusting. I had to clean that mess before anyone wakes up. Fuck that. I hate myself so much. I am just a failure. Fuck school, fuck money. I just want to be happy. I am too scared to kill myself. I am scared of that pain. what is wrong with me? God. If you want to make my life awful, go ahead. At least let me put an end. I want to die. I am thinking about doing something stupid and covering it up as an ""accidental death"". I do not know. I just do not want to live. I have nothing to hold on to. Just a joke for the world. Probably going to end it soon",Suicidal +12676,"Why is it that every first solution that comes to my head is that I should kill myself? Its almost like a kneejerk reaction now, you would think with failed attempts Id learn it does not work but here I am. I try not give them much mind and I joke about it, but man I am just so tired now. Its kind of fucked up",Suicidal +12677,"And I swear to God, I am do not pull the nice guy card neither the simp card> I see a girl > show interest/flert (if she is a smut roleplayer) > ask to RP > she ghosts me/says she is on too RPs and will not start a new one 100% rejection rate Not even in roleplay communities I get lucky trying to bond with females or convincing them to RP with me",Suicidal +12678,"Long story short, I am pretty much fucking done, I am over having the exhausting feelings that come with being a person. I do not want to feel ""happy"" I just want to feel numb. I have been to psychiatrists before and just want some advice from those who have successfully achieved this numb feeling using the drugs doctors provide. What are the medications that have made people feel numb? I have made my decision and will follow through but I just do not want to have to go through the whole 'let us try this medication and see if it works'. I am too tired for that I want to feel numb",Depression +12679,"So this is absurd but it is what it is, I am 20 by the wayI cannot watch a cartoon or play a lovely game or anything related to another reality without finding myself feeling bad and wanting so hard to be in that reality, it happens with everything, i just hate real life, i want a reality where everything is sweet&magical or something like that, i do not know, i think my mind wants to go anywhere rather than real life where everything is so grey and empty, everything is so pointless and mediocre.Last time i watched a lot of adventure time episodes and started feeling bad because i just wanted to be there, it looked interesting and sweet and i rather go everywhere but here, the same happend with a visual novel game i was playing.as every day passes i start finding less and less reasons to remain in existence I constantly want to live in a fantasy world",Depression +12680,"These last two years I have been mostly sad. The past 2 months though I have been crying every day. Started therapy, I have been diagnosed with severe depression, been taking prozac for about 3 weeks. My boyfriend was the best thing that ever entered in my life, we met 5 months ago and for the first 3 months I was so happy. Afterwards, my insecurities and depression must have got on the way. I feel like I ruined the best thing in my life. We text so little, he seems to avoid me most of the time, I am the only one who suggests to things together, yet he says he loves me and I am quite important for him. Yet his words do not reflect in his actions. I am lost. I love him and now I am broken. it is as if he is broken up with me and just does not want to tell me. I have ruined it. I am thinking of overdosing on xanax and prozac tonight. I am thinking about ending it",Suicidal +12681,"My dad misgenders me all the time I fucking hate it, my mom always says something that makes me upset, my friend is a piece of shit and most importantly my partner hurts my feelings a lot. there is not much to say about my parents and there is lots to say about my friend but Ill be talking about my boyfriend Me and him have been together for a year or so now and its been good, however he started to say really mean things at the start of this year. I cannot remember all of them but here is some major ones -Said he feels the need to cheat on me because I am so worried about it-Told me to go get a hobby for worrying about our relationship -Made fun of my body -Gets mad when I tell him about something I do not like that he does but hell turn around and tell me how much he wants to know about those things And well ofc as I said, a lot more. However, those are the main onesHe came and told me our relationship was only sexual attraction and not romantic attention for him, which obviously I was sad. who is going to be leaping with joy when they hat they are partner is questioning if they are aromantic? Especially as someone who is on the asexual spectrum MAINLY BECAUSE of a history with sexual assault. We are also fucking minors dude we are not going to be fucking I have not broken up with him yet, my mom tried to get me too since for one, my mental health is shit and two, I need to pull myself together and mature more.However I almost have a few times. One time being because I was going about to go to a psych ward, I never ended up doing either obviously. I cannot bring myself to break up with him, I feel bad. We both have bipolar so I feel like I am being dramatic and I should just try to understand him but I cannot. It all hurts so much. I am worried Ill be jealous, hell talk behind my back or Ill regret it. I now it all sounds so stupid, but I am really struggling Nobody loves ne",Suicidal +12682,"I do not know why but I can kill myself even if I want to die and I really want to hurt myself.I hate me a lot, and I want me to suffer but even when I cut myself I do it where it cannot really harm myself, where it is just a bit of pain and distracts me for a moment from other thoughts.I guess I prefer to die more ""naturally"" like in a car accident or from illness.the best way to die for me would be doing some heroic shit like saving someone from a car crash or a fire, I would be proud of myself for a moment at least, and hopefully it would hurt less to my family and friends if I die doing something good instead of killing me to stop this suffer. I am a coward (self harm / suicidal post)",Depression +12683,"So I have been struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts lately. that is a whole different conversation. But about 4 days ago, my dad called me and asked if I was in town for the weekend (I moved to a new state for better life for my kids). I said no its just the wife and kids. He proceeds to says tuff like ""well things are going to get better man do not worry."" But then he completely stabs me in the back. The only 2 people in this world I trust in life were my wife and my dad.... My wife calls me yesterday crying her eyes out and as I try to calm her down, she tells me that my dad had come on to her very very hard. He had told her of dreams and fantasies and that he can ""tell she needs to explore a bit"" and ""i can tell we are both intimate people"" and if you ever feel the need to cheat, just know I am a safe place to go for that"". My wife asked me not to react and say anything to him. Which is very very hard, because it hurts bad. I am kind of numb and just do not really know how to act. I cannot trust him around my little girl now because I am scared if he would do that to me what else would he try. And I do not have people to talk to so i ran to reddit to get it out of my head. Need a little help understanding how I should feel",Depression +12684,Does it have any different effect? Is it more dangerous to overdose on an empty stomach? Overdosing on empty stomach vs full stomach,Suicidal +12685,"This is my third try at finishing a University's school year and I cannot even complete my registration because I was supposed to receive codes but I have never received them, I have called the University several times, three different phone numbers, but none of them answered. The University closes at 4.30 pm and then it will not be opened until late August so until then I cannot ask for help and registrations close today too. A second phase opens late August but I do not know if I could register myself during this phase. I do hope so and I hope that I will receive the codes before that. But somehow I know it will be a burning failure like usual. I am so stupid. So stupid. I will never do something of my life. If I cannot go to University this year I will fucking kill myself because this will be the second year where I do absolutely nothing. I feel unfit to find a job because I have no diploma apart from a literary baccalaureate that no one cares about and I have huge social anxiety and I stutter. And I am just dumb, I am but an inconvenience to anyone around me. My entire existence is a failure",Suicidal +12686,"22 y.o. female. I got a BA in International Relations, pursuing an MA in Communication right now, kind of stuck in a job I have a love hate relationship with. My mother us very loving, have had (absent/alcoholic father). For a bit over a year have been in a healthy relationship with someone I love. I am smart, pretty and supported (while also seeing a therapist) . However, I have thought about committing suicide on and off for the past 5 years. My mothers father hung himself when I was 12, I know my mother would be heartbroken if anything were to happen to me. that is why I have not taken the plunge to do it. Some days are good, some are bad, some are unbearable. And I say this because I was born with a disability, which I am coming to terms with. Its my own personal touch on a flaw, but it makes me wonder why I survived in the first place (the only successful pregnancy out of four for my mother who miscarried) . I know I was a wanted child, but I feel like, in the world we live in today, that is no place to raise a child in all aspects of it. No one asked me if I wanted to come into the world, I am miserable, upset and disgusted. At the same time, what is there to live for? These thoughts will not stop. Thanks for reading.TLDR: I wish I had never been born and I want to kill myselfbut I also wish I could make these thoughts stop. Severely depressed, I want to end things",Suicidal +12687,Nytol (sleeping tablets) 20 x 50mg = 1000mgCitalopram 14 x 20 = 280mgCodeine 420mgParacetamol 8 x 500 = 4000mg Will this overdose kill me (I am very petite/skinny/small),Suicidal +12688,I do not see any reasons to wake up or to get off the bed I spend all day in bed,Suicidal +12689,"I really do not understand what I have to live for anymore my life has just been one big circle of tortureI want to die, but I am too scared of the pain Is there a painless way to kill yourself?",Suicidal +12690,whenever you try to find safe ways to die painless by choice all you find is prevention. which forces people into botched horror suicides. who are others to judge whether someone should end their life. you cannot know someone elses pain or the hopelessness of their situation. people act as if its so important to stay alive then treat you like shit and leave you to yourself the rest of it why can people not just go,Suicidal +12691,"I am trying so hard to live, I just cannot, I do not feel like I can cry out for help, I cannot self harm because even though my familys knives are back after months of being hidden I cannot risk getting caught, I have already tried my medication (seeing as that was my first attempt), I have no other methods in mind nor anything Id be willing to try as I have so much reason to live for but at the same time so little, I do not think I could survive any significant change in my life that I would perceive to be bad, I am really sorry for the scatteredness of these thoughts. I want to kill myself",Suicidal +12692,"I had my daughter 9 weeks early 8 weeks ago from preeclampsia. I found out this week that my boyfriend (her father) has been cheating on me the entire year we have been together. I found out by seeing a picture of his ex blowing him. They had been doing stuff for a month. She is now pregnant and does not know who the dad is, but it could be him, even though he has fertility issues and it took us months of trying with doctors help to conceive our daughter, and him and that ex had tried for 2 years and it never happened. he is the first and only person I ever wanted a child and to get married with. I met him when I was only a few weeks away from carrying out my first attempt (which I ended up not doing), after ending a 10 year abusive relationship with an addict. I have bipolar disorder and was recently diagnosed with post partum depression. I do not have an exact plan or date when I am going to do it yet, but I plan to by November if things continue going this way. My life was finally getting better and suddenly, I am self harming and starving myself and nonstop thinking about suicide. My daughter is the only reason I have not yet, but it is early enough she would not notice I was gone and could have a better mother, who actually deserves to love her. I know how I am going to do it, I am starting to plan the letters I will leave for her and for my parents. it is just a matter of when. I just had to get this out. I do not know if i want someone to care or not. Dead by November.",Suicidal +12693,i do not read any encouraging comments to stay alive i just watch everyone fall into the same hole as me so that i can finally get the confidence to kill myself i only come here for encouragement to finally end my pathetic existence,Suicidal +12694,"Hey everyone I spend alot of time feeling pretty low but am not properly suicidal for my own reasons. I read alot on here about alot of people having no friends or anyone who cares about them. I am sorry to hear it, noone should be left like that.. I wanted to know if anyone would feel comfortable to share a bit about how it got to that stage..it is always been a fear of mine. Some people get dealt a shitty hand but then does mental health push people away sometimes too? Was hoping someone could share..",Suicidal +12695,"I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I also have severe anxiety. I feel out of control right now. The intrusive dark thoughts are eating me up and I do not know what to do. I do not know what approach to take. I am scared to give medications a chance because back in 2013 I went through a very low point and was prescribed xanax. I took xanax everyday for three years. At first it helped. It really did. It helped me get out of the ditch I was in but as you all know, Xanax is a short term drug. I became dependent on it rather quickly. Weaning myself off of it was the best and hardest thing I had ever done. I was also prescribed Lexapro. I took it one day and a couple hours later I was a wreck. Dizzy like you would not believe. I could even stand. I had to miss work. I gave it up after that. Ever since then I have not been on a single drug. I also did not have health insurance so there is that too. I am in a better position now, though. I have health insurance. I am working a full time job. Things are better. But I cannot shake how I feel. It has been so bad lately and I cannot breathe. Life should not be this way. I should not wake up and immediately think of negative things. Hateful, dark thoughts. Its miserable. I am constantly anxious. My heart is always racing. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I have slowly become scared to leave the house. I need to think about it and prep myself beforehand. Its exhausting.I guess my question is what steps should I take? I was thinking of making an appointment with my PCP on Monday. Should I be open to medications again? I am so scared of becoming dependent on those things again. Should I try therapy? How do I cope with my thoughts? I do not exactly have a strong support system. I feel like I do not have much longer and I need to control this now. I am losing hope and also my mind. This should not be how life is, right?",Depression +12696,I cannot think about anything but my death. Even on good days I still think about killing myself,Depression +12697,"So on Monday (posting on Thursday) I (17F) got in a minor car wreck, which totaled my SUV. I got hit from the rear drivers side going about 55 mph. It happened really quick and early in the morning, so I barely understood what was going on. I had a lot of stuff that was illegal in my state in the back of my car. If it was not for my bf (17M) who got everything out on time, I would be sitting in prison right now. the worst thing about having a habit like mine is that I get careless with it. I smoke in my car, nobody else drove my car so why the fuck not, right? I have on/off relationship with my parents because of the kid I was before. But the most recent fuck up I tried to correct was that I ate a couple pieces of candy before my car wreck. They drug tested me immediately after I wrecked. No doctors office or anything but my therapists office at 7am. I hate to admit it but I was hurting so bad with a concussion that I let into her and cussed her that she cried a couple times. Their immediate reaction to my first bad accident was to send me back to rehab. It was on their immediate agenda. I do not even want to touch on how the last trip went. However, when i realized that is what they were doing, I started packing my bag and moving out to live with my bf. I thought it was the safest option for me to go back to school without me going back to rehab. It was just crazy how I never stopped using when I got out, I picked back up within the first week. My parents did not know and they said I changed for the better, but in reality I never really changed. I was still smoking, but getting my shit together. They just did not notice. I am starting to regret moving out. The toxic household I lived in with my narc mom before this really shaped me to love her despite her low moments. I did not realize until it was too late that moments we had were not really good. My dad (who has since been separated from my mom) agreed that my mom showed him narc behavior and that he supports me moving out. I have been fighting a whole lot more recently with my bf. Its getting harder for me to find reasons why I left. He reminds me every day but its starting to feel as if I jumped the gun. I could have spent a little longer at home. I think I jumped a little too high.",Depression +12698,"If there are videos, youtube channels or anything, which are helpful??? Any videos or YouTube channels that help??",Depression +12699,"I already am dealing with chronic pain and poor mental health, I know this might be funny to some but I just hurt my back in the bathroom this morning, I was just about to wash my hands and I fell to the floor in pain. I am overcome with emotions right now. I have been doing so good, going to physical therapy, seeing a therapist for my depression, I am reading and learning about what interests me too. I just feel like crying now though, every time I make progress I get knocked down. I am just hoping this pain goes away soon, I have to drive 20 minutes to the physical therapist and I am not even sure why I am going I already know I cannot do any exercises with this level of pain. Oh well, here is me say screw you world, you cannot stop me. I am constantly rebelling against my despair and the universe does not care, it just keeps challenging me more",Depression +12700,"Many days, but not all days have been a struggle. I continue to press forward despite wanting to give up. I know that if I keep fighting, eventually I will be in a better place mentally, physically, and emotionally. But some days it is so hard to get out of bed. Days like today it is a cake walk. I hope for more days like today, but I know this game. I have been playing it for thirty years. Keep fighting, keep pushing forward. The fight continues",Depression +12701,"As the title says, I feel like a worthless member of society and of my household, just leeching off others' work while I contribute nothing. I am 18, live with my parents, and I have never cooked, never done the dishes, do not make my food, do not do any household chores, do not buy my own clothes, do poorly at school, I have no skills or hobbies. I sit at home playing videogames all day. My fucked up brain makes me unable to change anything, even though I know that nothing should be like it is. Meds do not help, therapy does not help - I am just a lazy piece of garbage. I require others to work and care for me while I do NOTHING to give back. My self esteem is negative, and if you hate me or are disgusted by me after reading this, do not worry, I am as well. I do not know what to do. I feel like a parasite",Depression +12702,"This girl was my bestfriend years before we became a couple, in the end i was treated like shit, tossed to the dirt, emotionally manipulated and abused. I changed and tried my best for her, in the end she still left me, cut all ties with me, as if I am the one who hurt her. All this happened while I was taking care of my family members in the hospital.I have never been the type to drown in sorrow nor did I ever imagine myself considering the idea of ending my life.But here I am.The world is a fucked up place with fucked up people. Last relationship and breakup emotionally fucked me up so bad",Suicidal +12703,"""you are depressed."" The online test told me. I did not know if I should have took it with a grain of salt or took it seriously. Was I honest? Maybe not. Repeatedly going back to a question, thinking if it does happen or not. ""Happy."" No, I would not say I am. I regret many things in my life, I have cried at least once a week. I cannot sleep. I do not know my passion. ""Prove them wrong!"" How do you prove someone wrong when most of your life was dictated by them? And here you are, still alive. ""Be yourself."" Who are you to tell me to be myself when you do not know who I am? Being myself has many consequences.""it is reality."" Reality is often dictated by people who is dreams have failed, projecting their wishes to make sure their children are stable - rather than helping that child to do their love for something to the best of their ability.""Your skin is not paper, do not cut it."" Taking me as a fool, like everyone else. I know it is not paper. I know I should not cut it. But where else can I project my hatred for myself than to weigh it onto me physically?""I am proud of you."" I am not.""There is hope."" I know, but that hope is far far away, and I have to make the effort. I just want to run from my worries and problems, not face them and let them crush me.I hate me. I hate who I have become. I hate who I have been. I hate what I could have been but never became. Sometimes, I invalidate my depression.",Depression +12704,Whatever works I guess. Music is the only thing that keeps me here,Suicidal +12705,I want to vent to someone but I do that with anyone I meet I am in so much fucking pain,Suicidal +12706,"I know I am not ok. Yet I cannot help but wonder now with the media constantly telling us that depression is real and is crippling so many people out there, its becoming this massive self fulfilling prophecy for the whole of society. I show just an ounce of self pity and self deprecation and I can instantly feel the compassion and pity and sympathy from the other person. It feels weird. I feel like I use it as a tool of manipulation for times when I know I could have done better. For times when I know I did not step up and pull my weight. Yet I feel so dead on the inside I have no motivation to even tidy my flat or feel the need to achieve anything ever f*king again. I feel too far gone as if I can never ever be truly happy again. I wish I did not grow up with social media and unrealistic expectations. I feel like my mind has been poisoned and there is no antidote that can fix it. The path to healing seems so overwhelming and long I just cannot be f*kd. The road to inner peace and happiness seems impossible. I do not feel the need to be better anymore. I cannot be bothered with my appearance, my career, friends or dating life. I am just waiting to die. I do not want to tell the few close friends that I have how I am truly feeling. I do not want to bring them down or have them worry. I do not want their pity. I do not want to tell my family. At the end of the day its up to me whether I want to improve my life or not. I just feel so dead on the inside. I am not ok. do not know what to do. But is depression even real tho",Depression +12707,Long distance relationship seemed like an okay idea. I did not mind I still do not. Even tho she was all the way on the other side of the planet I loved her ... I still do. She was she last thing keeping me here really... I am good for nothing I only hurt people I hurt my family so they hate me. I confused her head so much she did not know how to feel anymore and it is all because I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me. I do not have anything I am good at any skills anything I am proud of and that makes me feel depressed and suicidal. I am insane at this point I just want to die. She unfriended me on snap and such saying that she needs time and that she will be back but i do not want to hurt her like that anymore so I said my goodbye if she will ever read it idk. I hopefully will die before she reads it anyways. I do not want to die I want to be with her and have a family and just live a good life but I cannot. My mentality will not let me be happy and fine. I will keep hurting her by saying that I am depressed and that she should not be with me. I want her to be happy that is all. I do not want anything else in this world. I gave up on myself. I just want something or someone to kill me because I cannot do it myself. I was a shit boyfriend. And a shit human. I am sorry 9 I do not have anything anymore.,Suicidal +12708,"I was never attractive but now that I look back, I looked decent. I was working out, I had a decent body. Now I am lazy. I feel like I am falling into a horrid path. I used to be in a loving relationship and I left her behind. I am in college, I am supposed to know what I want by now, but I have never felt more lost. My insomnia is coming back. All I want Is for someone To tell meThat I am okayThat everything will work outThat I can get back to where I wasBut it will not happen. Simply because it is not true. I trust the universe but right now I am struggling more than I ever have. it is never been this bad I do not know what to do to make it better I am scared I miss who I used to be.",Depression +12709,I am not sure why I am saying this or what to expect from it I just truly cannot believe it to be true. I confided to my mother 9 days ago that I was contemplating suicide. And she still has yet to even mention it or ask if I am ok,Suicidal +12710,If ya need something for depression lmk Sativa,Depression +12711,I am getting worse. My motivation for life is dwindling away. Getting worse,Depression +12712,"Things have changed. Even before the pandemic things were bad in terms of meeting people but now it is even worse. it is almost and probably is, impossible.The city I live in is unique in terms of it as a high turnover rate therefore incidences of meeting people, specifically bad people, is higher than normal cities. But nevertheless, the same trials and tribulations go on anywhere. But being said, everything in this post is tailored to the city that I live in.But what happened? It is so difficult to meet anybody anymore. Older women, like women my age, they are broken, bruised, jaded, and fed up because they are approached by pieces of garbage constantly. he is gotten to the point where I cannot even make eye contact with a woman when I am walking past her on a sidewalk. They literally look down or look away because they are tired of being approached. Also the guide to girl ratio here is out of control. there is got to be at least 10 guys for every woman that is available. Then you factor in everything from the unique primal intrigue that flows through the veins of any human being in this city, and again, it is impossible. Within this gigantic sea of terrible men, there are few Good Men drowning, not even being thrown a life preserver. it is a shame. it is a waste of time, energy, good souls, and the possibility of memorable love. I am tired of fighting through the walls being built by women and forged by pieces of garbage men. I am fed up, and it makes me enormously depressed.I never had a problem dating in this city in the past, but now I cannot get a foot in the door, a word in edgewise and I know it is not me. Even the caliber of personality shared with most women in this city has gotten more judgmental and aggressive. Most of the women that are younger, they want money. They want a sugar daddy without realizing that we just came through a pandemic where most people are not as flush with cash anymore due to inflation.Then you have a lot of left-leaning liberal women who will not even talk to a person who is a centrist. Since when did politics have to play a huge role in dating? In the worst of it is, the vaccine. If you did not get a vaccine, you are basically a piece of shit to everyone who did. And I thought there was a law in place that protected your personal medical privacy. What do I know.What I do know is all of it makes me so depressed and feel so lonely. I am a good guy, dedicated, intelligent, talented. Every single night after the sun sets, reality sets into how lonely I really feel. And there is this dark hope inside of me saying there is somebody out there but I really do not think so.We dug our own holes here. we have become so selective, so judgmental, some materialistic, so single-minded, our eyes are not open, and we push people away. we would rather be alone because we are afraid to catch a virus. we would rather be alone because we do not want to deal with the possibility of somebody losing their job and becoming dependent on the other. we would rather be alone because it is easier to lump everybody into a category that supports a divide that is country wide.Where I agree with most of that, and I am an introvert, so I understand being alone, but damn do I want to hold somebody is hand. the state of dating...",Depression +12713,"it just makes me question everything starting from my existence all the way to what I am doing in life. idek what else i have to do I am actually the most useless person to ever live i struggle to make friends and desperately try to find some but then it turns out that I am too unbothered to communicate with them like there is something wrong with me, I am waiting for so many things to happen waiting on a promise but its never going to happen like realistically looking at it, I am no good at comforting people and then i feel bad and i have a really bad tendency of saying sorry then the other person is never going to be able to open up to me again from the guilt i made them feel and there goes that, all I am trying to do is help people but i keep messing it all up nothing is going my way or helping me at all I am waiting for nothing to happen in this life except just skipping through. anyways take care goodnight is it meant to be or am i just unlucky as fuck",Depression +12714,"Hi c: I am a girl who recently turned 24 and I have grown up generally depressed also dealing with crippling BPD and I have just recently felt as if I am losing my mind. I am in such mental distress that I am usually in physical pain from it 24/7 these days. I know that sounds crazy but my mental state is literally making me ill. I hardly leave my room have not really since March of 2020, getting out of bed is a task and I just hate what i see when I look in the mirror. I like to think I am not that dumb but I could never go to college or hold a job right now of any kind because I am not okay. I am really not. there is nobody at all I can talk to. I live with my 90 year old great grandpa at our family home and I constantly worry about losing him and losing the home. Mt grandma passed away who raised me when I was 17 and I cannot take the thought of this happening all over again. I am still not okay from when she passed. My mom and dad have not talked to me in years, did not grow up with them. I have never felt as badly as I do these days and my mental health is just declining by the day. I am starting to really fear myself. I cannot keep a relationship, friendship, or even family member relationship to save my life. I am mean and an angry person who takes it out on every single person who shows me love. I just want to hear that there are others out there because I am really really not okay. I have never been at this point mentally. I am changing",Suicidal +12715,"Hey guys, I am not in such a bad spot right now that I need anything immediate. But I need therapy. I absolutely cannot afford it right now. What are some hold-me-overs until I can get health insurance through my work? I have got to go I think 3-6 months before I am eligible. I purchased a journal yesterday to try and help write myself out on paper. I also am deciding to go completely sober. I am even going to try to drop caffeine. I stopped nicotine about 6 months ago. And have been successful with it. I cut down my caffeine intake, but it is still regular. As for alcohol, I have cut way back. But I still have a binge every so often with friends. I smoke green regularly, and intend to stop that too. What are other ideas to keep me around until I can get some professional help? I need help",Depression +12716,"If i kill myself, my family will fall apart. So I think I know the answer, but it feels like the only thing left for me. I wish I could figure out a method and do it. I know it is coming but I do not know when, I just hope soon. I need to die. I have let everyone in my life down and I have never made them happy. All I have brought into this world is negativity. I am a failure. I need to be put to an end, I need to take responsibility and do it myself. I cannot live with this shame Is suicide selfish?",Suicidal +12717,"You may not see my depression but it is with me at all times. It is the pooling of tears in my eyes while I am driving, making it hard to see oncoming traffic. It is the secretive, yet frantic wiping away of tears when I breakdown and do not want my significant other to see me crying. It is the laying awake at night staring at the ceiling, revisiting memories that inflict hurt and pain, and not being able to stop. It is the stressing about the future, and then reassuring myself its alright by realising that by then I probably would have taken my own life and will not have to deal with it. It is the staring out into the distance thinking of ways to kill myself, and not hearing a word someone said while talking to me. It is the zoning back in after and realising that my suicidal thoughts, so frequent, can devour my mind entirely at any time. It is the realisation that I have been suffering for years on end and likely will continue to suffer for the rest of my life. It is shaking of my legs and the biting of my nails. It is losing interest in literally everything and not knowing how to spend my days. It is distracting myself as much as possible so my mind does not consume me. It is not explaining how I feel to anyone because it is so much i would never get it all out anyways. It is becoming attached to one person and being so dependent on them even when I try not to be, it is feeling lonely and trapped in my thoughts every time I am without them. It is wanting to be held every time I am sad because I am scared I will hurt myself. It is my awareness that my mind is the real problem, constantly putting these thoughts in my head, but not being able to prevent it. It is finally being willing to give up dreams and experiences like having children and buying my first house because I do not think I can live like this much longer. It is my worst fear. It is my depression. Depression and I",Depression +12718,"there is no redeeming qualities to this life or myself.I am toxic, I trick people into putting faith in me and I betray them. The things I used to like became coping mechanisms, and now my coping mechanisms do not work.Antidepressants do not work. Therapists are incompetent or worse. The government will not do anything for me unless I drag them by the fucking ear and I do not even have enough energy to get out of bed.Whenever I get my hopes up something happens to destroy them and send me spiralling into new depths I did not even know existed.I am starting to think this world exists just to torture me.I was cursed from before I was even born to be miserable my entire life. My brain is fucking fundamentally broken. And yet when I try to communicate to people this they just try and gaslight me into thinking I am exaggerating or ""you will be fine"". I have wanted to kill myself since I was ten years old and I have only gotten worse in the decade since. it is honestly a fucking miracle I have not. Or maybe a sick joke that I do not have the courage to do it.I do not want to die, but I physically cannot enjoy anything. it is a herculean effort to pull myself out of utter misery into a state of mind approaching normal. And the world moves so fucking fast in the meanwhile that by the time I work up the energy to do anything I am bombarded with dozens of urgent tasks and responsibilities that wear me out in no time.And on top of a defect in my brain that prohibits feeling joy or satisfaction, and on top of living in a shitty cruel world that is barreling toward destruction due to equal parts stupidity, selfishness and malice. On top of that, I am trans. How fucking cursed can I be?I am not even sure what I am.I am not even sure if it is real, or if it is an attempt at escaping who I used to be. The person I hate. If it is maybe just grasping at straws. Throwing every fucking thing at the wall and hoping something works. Maybe I am so wrapped up in a thousand different insecurities that I have convinced myself I am trans, or maybe I have tricked myself into thinking I am not.Maybe it is a combination of all that and my hatred for men and myself.I just want the pain to stop. I just want to feel joy. I just want to be sure of anything. Please someone fucking help me. I am so tired of misery and melancholy. Fix me or fucking shoot me I am such a fucking piece of shit. there is no escaping my fate. I will kill myself one day and everything I do in the mean time is just prolonging this hell like existence.",Suicidal +12719,i do not have it in me to keep living but I am too much of a pussy to do it myself i just hope that everytime I am outside something is horrific happens and ends me on the spot i want a bus to hit me,Suicidal +12720,"Wife is divorcing me. 2nd time actually, but this time it does not look like she is going to change her mind. I suffer from clinical depression. She saw it coming back I know. I fell into familiar patterns of bad choices and behavior. Worst part is we have a child together. I would tell her I should have killed myself when he was too young to form an attachment to me. Feelings of worthlessness just ruminating in my head. Would be the ultimate selfish move on my part to do it now, to have my son have to live with that. But it does not stop the thoughts of wanting to kill myself. Woman I thought was my soulmate having enough. Saw too much of the worst in me she says. does not want a life of ups and downs. Tired of waiting for me to be the man she thought I was or could be. Just too many little things she says. I turned to the Bible as of late. she is Christian ironically, but I never was. cannot live with this guilt and the fact that I pushed her away for the final time. No more chances. Still holding onto hope I guess that by some divine miracle she will change her mind. Unharden her heart. Have it in my head that Ill stick around until she finds someone else suitable to be a good father for my kid. Someone to take care of her like I failed to take care of her. At that point I do not know. cannot live my life watching the love of my life with someone else. Someone else to provide her the life I could not. do not want to because suffering to my child either. Hes still young, probably would not remember me. But I do not know if I can because him that kind of future psychological harm. Destined to suffer forever I guess. Thought maybe I could make it look like an accident. A Tragic death. Less of a burden to live with if your father died in a tragic accident instead of killing himself. A Life taken too soon. Wish God would answer my prayers. Selfish Suicidal Thoughts",Suicidal +12721,"I used to be happy and had many friends, I used to be the school athlete and people used to look up to me. 2 years ago after drug use at partys since I was 15 (I am 19m) I had a bad reaction and I have not left my house since , I have ghosted everyone and I feel like I have set myself up for failure and thrown away a perfect life if I just never used drugs and stayed with the football team I had been with for 9 years, I think from the reaction I have some kind of of psychosis, I used to be fully sociable but now I feel like I am crippled mentally its horrible sometimes I cannot even watch videos because they trip me out and I do not think I have a way out, Iv trued everything and I have truly fucked myself , idk even know anymore , I have planned my suicide I have 2000 I am ganna set up nitrogen tank with a exit bag hopefully I will not mess up my next life this might be in the next month or 2years but I will not make it past 22 Hello",Suicidal +12722,"TL;DR: I wasted the majority of my life playing video games. I survived Junior and Senior grades but retained nothing and had no idea what career to follow. So, I took a year off pre-college to make things right, only to find that there is a lot to make right, and I am running out of time. What should I do?Hi, I am Dilan Zelsky, an 18-year-old Uruguayan female trapped in the body of a male monster and a failure.I am from a somewhat poor family. My parents never went to college and were in a worse situation than I am in terms of economy and resources, so only my father works, and what he earns only suffices for food, bills, and a few other things.I never accomplished anything in my life. Gaming took all of my life and prevented me from doing many things that I wanted to do, such as developing video games, writing fiction, drawing, starting a blog, playing instruments, and more.When Junior grade came, I had to choose the path to what career I wanted to pursue. I chose Engineering out of discouragement from the other options, but not because I wanted to have anything to do with it.The junior grade was difficult to the point that I quit gaming. By the end of the year, gaming felt alien to me, and all I could think of was studying.After the rough school year I had, I decided to spend my summer studying for Senior grade. I did not get far because I was a poor learner, but I discovered the College Info Geek blog. While the blog barely helped me, it was my gateway to non-fiction books.The senior grade was more difficult. I had to skip meals and sacrifice sleep to get above-average marks with the occasional high marks. I read a few non-fiction books that year. However, I did not get much out of them because of my poor learning workflow. I managed to get an average score of 11 out of all my subjects, with 12 being the highest you can get from each subject. I made it that far because I relied on plagiarism, Anki, and my poor implementation of GTD. Of course, I was not happy about any of that.Once the school year was over, I realized that college was next, and I had enough because I retained nothing at the end of the school year, was terrible at learning, heard that college is way harder, and did not know and still do not know what career to pursue. I thought of committing suicide, but I had the idea of taking a year off before going to college to make things right.I convinced my parents of the idea. I told them everything that happened in those last two years. Also, I told them about my goals to learn how to learn, choose a career, and study for that career. I think I gave them the wrong picture because they did not like the idea. However, they allowed me to because they said that it was my life and they would accept whatever I chose to do with it if I was sure of what I was doing. My father mentioned after the talk that he would like me to spend more time with them, but I have failed to fulfill that.Either way, taking a year off was a great choice. I discovered that I had many health problems that I was not aware of, such as my sleep and spine, and I am working towards fixing them. I also found out about the Zettelkasten Method, which was what I needed to learn efficiently. The method came with the nice bonus of making learning fun.However, things have not gone well.Setting up a laptop took me a long while. I borrowed my sister's laptop to work in a calm environment, but I ran into many problems with it, and I still have a few issues to fix.Dealing with my health problems is taking me longer than I thought. Not being affiliated with a medical center has forced me to solve the problems by myself. Couple that with my poor research skills and scarce money, and you got yourself a recipe for slow progress.My environment got noisy, and now I cannot work with the Zettelkasten Method. Progress on fixing this has been slow because of the scarcity of money and prioritizing my sleep issue.I overcomplicated myself and tried to tackle more than I can handle. I maintained many active projects and created projects out of ideas that seemed actionable but that were not. I have wasted a lot of time here.And lastly, I went back to gaming. I believed that I needed leisure time after two years of all work and no play, so I began to play video games for 30 mins a day before my wind-down routine. Gaming washed away the suicidal thoughts I have been having. However, I realize that I am doing it for escapism.Ten months or so have passed since I began this year off, and I am left with five before I am supposed to go to college. I am anxious about going to college because I want to reach my goals and solve my health issues. But, it will probably take me longer than I have available to do so. Besides, my parents do not know about my journey, and I fear what they might say if they knew.I am out of ideas at this point. I have been neglecting to get help because I thought that I needed to do it all by myself, but maybe it is time to ask for help. So, I ask you: What advice would you give me? How do I get out of the hole I have dug myself in?",Depression +12723,"I am in another country right now (at my grandmas), and everyone is so mean. two out of the three cousins that are currently here are so mean; they ignore me and call me names for no reason, but then they feel bad every year when i leave. my grandma (like me) is depressed, and i feel too bad to tell her about this, because she is had bad reactions in the past. i miss my mom, but there are things i have to hide from her, too. we found out that were getting an apartment and, subsequently, being let off the street i do not want to soil her mood with the disorder that fucking ruined my life. last night, i got super emotional and i cried (with breaks) for 2-3 hours. cousin walked in on me, and he was practically begging for an answer, but i could not say anything. i feel like he cares, but hes only nice to me when i go back to the US. I am crying again right now, and my other cousin is in the room. he does not even fucking care. hes on his phone. I have never felt so useless. i love planning things, and i had so much to look forward to. i do not have any real interests, other than writing. i was excited to get a book out a book with a super realistic character. I have lost all motivation, and now, i really want to rent an apartment as an adult and live out my life there with no company. i do not want four kids and the other luxuries i once prayed for. i cannot stop crying",Depression +12724,"I used to be such an awful, selfish, horrible person. I hurt some people very, very badly when I was younger. I am basically the definition of when the victim of abuse becomes an abuser. I was fucking awful. I feel so bad for one person in particular, I did not respect their boundaries, they suffer from what I did. I did not know I did anything wrong, I never had any idea that what I was doing to anyone was wrong. I wish someone told me how awful the way I acted was. I have put so much work into completely relearning everything and viewing every single thing in such a healthier way, but this guilt from my past that I must carry with me hurts more than words could ever describe. Just knowing that they will always see me as who I was then is terrifying.Other than the guilt of what I did to people, the way they treated me too has also left me with extreme trauma and I feel so manipulative when I say that. When I was younger everyone around me treated others like shit, so it was normal to me, hence why I did not know I did anything wrong. I feel so manipulative when I say it, like I am trying to find a way to excuse my shitty actions but I know I am not. it is what I saw happening all around me everyday and the way I physically cannot leave my house without having atleast two panic attacks because of what they did to me. I was selfish, exetremely mentally ill, lacked any sort of healthy communicative skills, disrespected peoples boundaries, hurt someone in a way that nobody should ever have to be hurt. Every single thing that I remember from that time just makes me feel worse and worse. I know I am a good person, I have changed for myself and my future, I do not need to prove that to anyone. I actively try to treat people well, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc. I care about others like I did before I became such a toxic human. it is just these nights that the guilt resurfaces and it majorly tests my will to live.I need help but I feel since I was such a disgusting person, that I do not deserve to live. I feel like I do not deserve to get better if those people still suffer from my actions. it is so hard to just accept that I will have to live and heal with the consequences for the rest of my life, they weigh me down so much. I have tried apologizing, some went well but the one I feel the most awful about will never be the same. I have tried every way that I can find to just find peace, and usually I am able to just get through each day, but fuck it is so bad right now.I do not know what to do, therapy has not helped cope with this guilt because I cannot even admit all of my actions because of how shitty they were. I feel like the complete scum of the earth who should not deserve to breathe even though I have learned from my mistakes and believe so much in rehabilitative justice. I just cannot feel this pain so intensely for so long, it is a debilitating physical pain combined with my self hatred from abuse I endured growing up. I try to look for the positives, I always do but no matter what I keep having this inner war that just circles right back to the ""if they still suffer, I must suffer.""I want this to end. I need this to end. I want end this constant suffering from the guilt I carry every day.",Suicidal +12725,I do not have patience for myself anymore. I do not have a future because I have no drive. If I carry on I will just experience a life of suffering. I hate capitalism I do not see any other solution other than killing myself,Suicidal +12726,"Every day around my family I am innable to show any emotion. In home it is like ""hot and cold"" they can yell at me and tell me how useless I am and then because I guess they feel guilty they either apologise or try changing the subject . I have only one friend which I really REALLY care for but their life is much more complicated and I feel like shit ...I cannot help I can""t do amything they want to commit s. and I am unable to stop that . I know nothing ,I do nothing , I have nothing... the only thing I feel is confusion ,emptyness or irritation I do not know what is happening to me anymore",Depression +12727,"At least I had a way out, but now I do not. I am too afraid to die. I used to look forward to killing myself because I knew it would be an escape I was better when I was suicidal",Depression +12728,"Hurt is like a metal ball we will carry for the rest of our lives. it is fresh and hot and unbearably heavy but as time goes on we grow stronger and learn how to carry the weight and cope with the pain of the heat. eventually we will hug that ball for warmth on our coldest nights and we will be proud of how far we have carried it and how incredibly strong it made us. Love is so jovial, I Admire each and everyone of you ...every action taken should have the purpose of improving the lives of those around you I lost a dear friend",Depression +12729,"Throwaway for reasons that will become apparent.For some basic info about me, I (19M) have been diagnosed with MDD a little over 2 years ago after a suicide attempt. I am currently on lexapro and attending regular biweekly therapy sessions. Currently scheduled screening for ADHD as well.Recently I have not been feeling much of anything. I was not sure if it was the meds; I hear SSRIs and SNRIs have a high chance of causing numbness. But I am having doubts about that.Prior to about 6 months ago, I would regularly and deliberately inflict harm on the dog we have at our home (was my grandma's dog, bequeathed to my mom after my grandma passed). Methods of abuse include forcefully dragging, punching, dropping heavy objects on it, and throwing it. The dog has since been rehomed, and both my mom and therapist are aware of the problem. I did not feel any remorse for harming the dog, but felt some anxiety of being caught. I have not been diagnosed with ASD, any cluster B personality disorder, or conduct disorder.I do not tend to feel empathetic towards people. In fact, emotional people tend to annoy me. I have contemplated ASPD and CD being two possibilities for diagnoses but my therapist disagrees with both. This emotional numbness and difficulty empathizing interferes with my depression occasionally. It makes me think that I will live life forever as a robot, and that I could possibly be physically incapable of connecting with other people, and simply live through life as an unemotional, ostracized she will of a person. I would like to feel something, and I would like to connect with other people. My therapist sees this as a good sign; and stated that most sociopaths or psychopaths do not care about this.I am paranoid that the reason for my emotional numbness is more ""ingrained"" and innate, rather than being an issue caused by environmental factors. Rambling about what is on my mind",Depression +12730,"No one understands the pain I am feeling inside, you can put on a mask to the outside world but Inside you are constantly battling yourself, at what point is there ever going to be relief, I used to have aspirations, dreams, but now all I want is for it to be over, I am just trapped in a constant cycle I just want relief, solace is it possible for it to get better or is it just a lie Yea",Suicidal +12731,"It was really weird dream, like most of them are tbh, but I have never killed myself in a dream before last night. Pretty much all of my dreams are kind of staged like I am sat in front of a screen watching this TV show of the dream that switches between me watching myself on screen from a 3rd person perspective and then me in the fake show in my body like usual. Halfway through though, it basically turned into a VR first person shooter game where I was just a floating pair of gloves holding guns and I had to choose whether to spare this random guy or kill him in order to finish the game. Then I suddenly realised I was dreaming, and of course, I am just like everybody here and I think about suicide all the time, have not been happy with life since I was 11 or 12 and am in a nearly constant state of misery. So I took that chance to try and kill myself, started with shooting in the side of the head but it did not work. I just ""took damage"" because of the stupid I am in a video game thing going in the dream. So I took out a shotgun, held it under my chin, shot myself and I died.There was this brief moment that lasted no more than a second where I had zero thought going on in my head, it was all black and I has absolutely no clue what was happening. Maybe I felt what it was like for a bit but I doubt it. I woke up, but it was not one of those things where you jolt awake just before hitting the ground, I woke up like normal as if this dream was not extremely fucked up.Killing myself, did not feel like a relief like I thought it would. It just felt wrong, in some sick way, it felt too easy. I have known for a while now that I will probably never kill myself, purely because its too much work and I cannot even leave the house or brush my teeth let alone find some method of suicide. Now I know for sure that I will not kill myself. From that moment forward, I will just sit in hole suffering with no escape, and just let the world pass me by. I have no easy exit anymore, so I will have to just deal my shit some other way. Not exactly a better option, but I prefer it I think.If you are reading this and you still want to kill yourself, suicide is not all you imagine it to be. Just take a moment to think ""what if I am wrong?"". I had a dream last night that I killed myself.",Depression +12732,"TIRED, PISSED OFF, ANNOYED that is my mood fot today!! WTF",Depression +12733,"Everyday fucking torture man, I want fucking peace I got it I have ducked up many times you think I am fucking proud of the shit. Just kill me please fuck this planet I cannot fucking take this shit",Depression +12734,"VENT TW: suicidal thoughts, wanting to die, abuse(?) mentionHi readers.... this is one of the only safe places I have to express myself. And its my last resort. I am on the verge of doing something stupid and my thoughts are scattered, so please bear with me.I hate myself, really, really hate myself. I was born into a family of narcs, two bio parents that never actually wanted to raise their kids. Dad was not as bad, i guess. He mostly never called or texted while we were growing up. He stopped, anyway. And T (that is my egg donor who does not deserve to be called a mom) was an incredibly abusive bitch. I can tell she has never actually loved her kids, me especially. So I got a lot more of the abuse when I was a child, and as an adult, I sometimes fall into the same type of relationships I used to have. I try so so hard not to, but its like these people find me and I cannot get away.So that brings me to my current bf. I thought he was the most beautiful person when we met. He knew about my issues, I was upfront. But I did tell him I do my best to keep my emotions from becoming too much. And I have worked in therapy for 3+ years to be better, and I felt like I was making progress. But now I am wondering if maybe I am just a narc and I give myself too much credit for my progress. He literally told me after we met that he was a bad person and a monster. (When people tell you who they are, listen, right?) And I honestly was wary but just figured he had issues like anyone else. Except the more time we have spent together (been together for two years in Dec) he really just seems to hate me.We do not usually argue, but when we do he basically threatens to leave me all the time. And I literally have to basically get on my hands and knees shaking from the panic attacks like a dog, unable to talk from crying so much or else he does not believe that I love him and want him to stay. His favorite thing to tell people about me is that I am obedient and that I do what he says. Obedient! Like i *am* a dog. Like its my only good quality, and for the record, I have a mind of my own. I do not always do things he says, but if he asks me to hand him something, I do it and its not a problem. But if I do not, then he tells me stuff like I do not love him and he is second guessing our relationship because I will not do what he asks. And if he walks put the door to leave, if I do not chase after him, I do not love him enough or at all.he will get hurt by any little thing I say or make assumptions about things I say or do, but then he will turn around and project it back on me and say that I do not listen to him, I over react, etc. He never takes responsibility for any of the mean and hurtful shit he says. Its always my fault for not understanding or ""attacking"" him. (I could literally just ask him to pick up after himself and he will literally flip his shit).I am not going to say I am perfect, or that I never have said anything mean to him. However, I always apologize and work on whatever he claims has hurt him so that I do not do it again. He refuses to do the same, claiming that he will never change because that is how he is. he is even basically said suicidal people deserve to die (knowing that I have issues with this). This is already so long, so I am going to stop, but my heart is broken and I cannot stop crying. I wish I was dead and if I ever mustered up the strength to do it, he would be the reason why. I love him, and I do not understand why he is so fucking mean.If you read all this, thanks. And I am sorry. My bf has made me hate myself after years of therapy, and I wish I was dead. Why cannot I find someone who genuinely loves me like I love them?",Depression +12735,"I am a 21yo male. All my life I have been your typical shy guy: do not go out that much, stays at home playing games, do not have many friends, kind of weird when it comes to social stuff, etc.This year, somehow, I met a girl and we have been dating for almost half a year. I am so happy and our relationship is pretty solid, but I have discovered that I have a lot more stuff to work on than I thought.What I notice lately is that I am always thinking about her, or the fact that I want to spend time with here, but I am very harsh on myself about that, I say to myself that I should not be so mellow. Because of this, sometimes I get really sad and mad at myself, and I feel like I have 0 energy.I know myself pretty good and try to always distract myself doing any of my hobbies, but sometimes I just have literally 0 willpower. I find myself laying in bed and I just cannot get myself up.I have been in therapy for the past few months (not just for this), but sometimes I feel like I just can'tIt's pretty frustrating How to keep functioning even when you have 0 motivation?",Depression +12736,"Hello guys, I am not even sure if this is the right subreddit for this (and sorry for my english in advance) but i wanted to tell you how unusual I have felt since 2 days ago. Basically since I woke up on Tuesday I have been feeling numb, like there is a fog in my brain and i lost interest for activities I normally do and really enjoy, like watching movies.The weirdest thing about it is that I have irrational thoughts about it, like literally 3 days ago i was watching old obscure essay films and literally the next day I found myself thinking ""what is the point of movies? they are fake, those are actors"" and I cannot wrap my head around this.Added to the fact that I have constantly felt tired and sleepy I naturally thought about depression or anxiety, but i have never had any of those things before, in fact I am usually the cheer-up guy in the family and usually find the silver lining even out of the most dark situations that have happened, so it is being very sudden and unexplainable (nothing has happened in my personal life lately either to justify this).I also thought it might be a side effect of Nasonex, that is a corticosteroid nasal spray I have taken since the 8th of July and I have read it has some side effects, but in the instructions it does not say anything about psychological effects so i kind of wrote it off. Then looking online I have read corticosteroids can actually produce anxiety or depression sometimes but it is very rare. So i basically do not know what to believe.Has anything like this happened to you before?Thanks in advance Weird symptoms for the past 2 days",Depression +12737,"I was asked ""Have you ever been surprised before?"" When people get hopeless they assume nothing will change for the better ever, or that even if things change back and forth, that it is destined to be a crap house forever. When I was asked this I blew it off as a half ass way to make people feel better, but after thinking a long time, you realize that nobody knows what things are going to happen in the future, so I asked ""then what, am I supposed to just deal with it until something may or may not happen to me?"" And he said ""people are not supposed to wait for changes to happen to them, you are the only person controlling you, so why wait to react off of someone else's life?"" It does not happen without effort, and every single person can do it. do not doubt yourself and say ""well I have the worst position ever and nothing will change ever"" because then you would just be waiting around stalling your life away. I did just that until I realized that. The idea I was told.",Depression +12738,After going to psychiatric hospital and php/iop I was feeling so much better then boom Gastritis. cannot go a minute without severe pain in stomach and back. going to kill myself soon. Good luck. going to do it soon,Suicidal +12739,"it was all fake. all fake. thanks for giving me fake hope, life. devastation",Depression +12740,"Anybody else feel like there dog/cat is the only thing that stops them. My pets I feel as there the only thing stopping me, then Ill tell myself they would be better off without me. I try not to feel like this but to this point the emotions the thoughts have me think why is this worth it if I cannot even make myself happy. The thoughts just keep coming and i just think down about myself and I just isolate myself. cannot leave the house just feel that I should rot alone Alone.",Depression +12741,"Hey ho hello, As the title says, I am kind of struggling with my own thoughts, there are times ( like right now) in which I think I would be waaaay better without me, but at the same time I feel like thou'se thoughts are not ""honest"" enough How do I know if my suicidal thoughts are valid?",Suicidal +12742,Does anyone else use sleep in order to escape from reality and to get away from their own mind? Its literally the only thing I look forward to these dayswhat kind of life is that? Sleep as an escape,Suicidal +12743,"I am thirty years old, female.I was born on another continent and now I live in the Bay Area. Due to my parental units job, my nuclear family had to relocate countries and continents approximately every 2-3 years.While it may seem fun to explore and live in new places, it completely tore apart any construct of social cohesion, community and it obliterated the childhood and adolescent friendships I had formed. It certainly does not help that I am an introvert at heart.Just when I thought I was getting comfortable in one location or with one group of friends, it was whisked away from me once again. I had to go through life milestones alone because I often did not have friends right after moving to a new place.As a result, I became bitter, aloof, skeptical, distant and frankly a bit lost in life because I did not feel like I belonged in my home country or the new communities I frequently moved to. I feel resentful and even angry.I am now 30, and I still feel bitter over this and quite frankly, all I want to do is drift around and not settle down in one place. It has made me clinically depressed.I do not know what to do. Moving sucks.",Depression +12744,"So in the last several months I have had 3 failed overdoses. I have been going through a lot and it all got too much for me & there is no mental health support, what makes it worse for me is that my partner is making it worse on a daily basis, even if I try talk to her she makes it out to be something completely different & its like she is blind to what she is doing. Its making me feel like I am losing my mind, I have never felt so lonely in my own relationship. I just want to go my way",Suicidal +12745,"Never ends, does not want to end. My mind is fighting itself over and over again. I just want to rest. I hope there is no afterlife, then I can just rest. I have no clue why we were made as faulty, sad, depressed as we are, but I sure hope there is s very good explanation. Are we all faulty humans? Or is this some sort of punishment?",Suicidal +12746,"Can I just take whatever combination of medicines (huge amount) ? Is it painful? I cannot find anything about this topic and I cannot risk to fail, I am just bumping into hotline numbers and articles about getting help. I do not have the courage to end it in another way. Unless you got magical powers, please stick to the topic. Utterances, encouragements and ways to cope will not solve nor alleviate the problems that are killing me. Ending everything with pills",Suicidal +12747,"its like there is no hope for me i refuse to go on antidepressants for years, finally try one, it works for like a month, then i go back to feeling the exact same way i did beforelike i think i just was not meant to live i feel so fucking empty",Suicidal +12748,"I am sick of attempting to please people's expectations. I am over the cycle of society. All the emotions that we can feel are simply a scientific reaction, so who cares about love? I do not want children either, but if I do not have them then people will judge me. I believe in God... I think? I do not know anymore. Everything seems to be a distraction from the truth of reality. Once we erase money, entertainment, buildings, all human-made creations, then we will have nothing. But did we ever have anything? It was always nothing but comfort for our minds.I am sick of ableism, racism, sexism, etc. Why cannot we just forget what happened in the past and think about the future of humankind? we are always behaving like God, judging others as if our opinions matter. Judging each other's appearances, intelligence, and social behaviours. But what is the point of it? People judge others so they feel better about themselves.Life is pointless to me. We graduate from school to find a job, use their deserved money to purchase gifts for themselves, but the items will never be truly theirs. One day, everyone who is reading this post will die. Then someone will take their items, whether they are from their family or another. Some will sell their treasures while others will keep them for themselves. But none will love the items as much as you do. Your items will soon be recycled or forgotten. Dreams are much better. That is because society does not exist within our dreams. would not it be better if we dreamt forever once we die? I wish for that to happen to me. I will never get sick of them. I want to dream forever",Suicidal +12749,"I have a gun to my head and as soon as I click post, I am pulling the trigger. Bye I died",Depression +12750,"So I am 19 (male) and am having a really shit day today (even for me), I work as a carer and my favourite client died today and he was only f*cking 50, in addition to that my gf left me 2 days ago, and I cannot for the life of me understand how people are happy, god knows I have tried. I have been diagnosed with depression for two years and have a CBT therapist and on anti-depressants. And they have seemed to have helped a bit but like the world is shit. As I am writing this people have died, been SA ect... and most of the things wrong with the world I cannot do anything about like the fact millions of young girls do not have access to school or young trans people are being beaten up for no reason other than the fact their trans. So yeah that is my hot take the the day .So is the world shit? Or am I being melodramatic . Thanks (sorry I rambled) The world is a shit place (TW)",Depression +12751,I am use to sad and depressed but literal indifference literal muting of any strong emotion. I feel like this pill has made it easier to want to end it.Not that I am going to act on it because that would be the end which while tempting I have to remind myself that I can try a different medication.I thought about therapy but what would that accomplish? Accept that you had a shi**y childhood done now can we move on I have already dealt with the abuse I suffered. My depression does not have trigger's it is always here in the background.The abuse is not the problem the problem is the chemicals in my head. Tried pot and I felt like I went for a ride to the sunken place. Tried alcohol and no buzz just tiredness. I do not even want to know what anything more serious would do.I just want to have moments of happiness I just want the cloud to go away. I am falling into old bad habits such as trying to establish unhealthy relationships because atleast if I make someone else happy I might feel like I am of use. Logically I know I am of use and have argued with my emotions to no ends. Logically I know I am setting myself up for pain when I realize that the connection with others is less than shallow. I feel so indifferent emotionally speaking that I had to stop myself from trying to engage in sex not because I would enjoy it 1. because I have not in the past and 2. because the thing will not get hard. but because in those few minutes when the woman is feeling good I might be able to steal a little satisfaction in my work.I do not expect sympathy I am not cutting or planning not that I would need to I am pretty sure I could do it with the pills I have now. Not that I will because depression is not done with me yet and I am not ready to give up on escaping through medication and eventual life improvement. Thanks for letting me vent these thoughts at a time when I do not feel like I have anyone who I can say this too. Well time to get up and embrace the indifference because honestly it is pretty useful at getting me through work and helping me keep these new bursts of agitation from getting out. Got on Wellbutrin and well this sucks,Depression +12752,"Does anyone every feel like laughing at memes or funny videos we find online is not satisfying at all? The more and more I do it the less I am satisfied that I am laughing at someone elses joke that they probably got from someone else. It is not real, its so fake, and that is why the joy you get from it feels so fake right?I just want to make my own difference in this world, and the depression jabs at me every time I do something that does not help another person.that is it, thanks for reading, here is to hopes that you all find ways to smile and thinks to be happy about! The internet and joy",Depression +12753,"I have been having depression since 11, or so as it seems. Nothing helps at all, my parents think its a joke and laughs at it like its nothing at all. They do not let me go to therapy too. All they say OH UR SOOO LAZY GO EXERCISE I am not lazy, i want to do it, just do not have any of the motivation, no one cares at all, its like ur living in a different world separated from everyone, no one gets to you or understands. I just do not want to exist and jump. Its like the only way out of this hellhole. 13, feeling dead and just do not want to exist",Depression +12754,Everyone here is really helped me. I took a huge step and moved on from my toxic ex and finally am over here and I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and a counselor and my family doctor. I am finally taking steps to help my mental health! I finally let go of my toxic ex and I have a doctors appointment!,Depression +12755,"I cannot sleep, shaking and my mind feels like its caught in a storm. Like there is too much going on. Too much and I am shakingeverything around me feels like its collapsing..I am not making any fucking sense. I never do, nothing does. I just want to fucking sleep man. Its killing me I just want to rest its funny. It feels like I might not wake up if I close my eyes. Its fucking scary man lol. I am losing it, I am going to lose it and my stomach hurts fuuuuuuuuck Feel weirder",Depression +12756,"I do not get sad - ever really... I have never been suicidal but I equally do not get overly excited about things.Since lockdown in particular I do not feel like there is much to look forward to, but I still maintain a very persistent and strong routine of self-care like gym 5 times a week etc.I suffer from anxiety - social, and at things such as meetings and interviews.I am thinking of trying Prozac so have a doctor appointment.. in a way just to see if it changes me.I have always been quite anti medication but I am at a point where I am literally just staying indoors, not reaching out to people much etc, and have always assumed I am not depressed just because i do not get sad.I very rarely laugh out loud any more and I miss that feeling, I will just silently smile occasionally when i hear something funny. Does it sound like depression? Is it depression?",Depression +12757,"I cannot stop thinking about killing myself even when I am in a good mood it can change in a split second it feels like i just get hit by a tsunami of self hatred, hoplessness and guilt. If I am walking down the road I am constantly thinking of getting hit, if I am in my house I am thinking of jumping out the window head first or overdosing on a bunch of tablets or cutting myself. And I am terrified to tell anyone in my life that incase they think I am faking or looking for attention. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +12758,"For several months now, I have wanted to not be alive anymore. I have come up with plans that I have come scarily close to following through on. I have gotten addicted to self harm again. I have not been okay for a long time now and I just want all the bad stuff to stop.The biggest reason for all of this comes down to two things. The first is my own life. I have no motivation in life anymore. I am stressed out. I have NO money, I am terrified of getting a full time job, and my dad is being really picky about me getting a part-time job to get by because he is paranoid about me losing my medical insurance for being low-income. it is a lot of very sudden change and I am not ready for it. Like, at all. The thought of having to start a new life, start a career, move out, and fend for myself financially is simply too much for me to handle and I have felt like my life had basically ended since I graduated from university.The second reason is my relationship. She makes me happy. She ACTUALLY makes me happy. she is so damn good to me. After being molested at 14, cheated on, catfished, emotionally abused, manipulated, sexually pressured beyond my comfort zones to the point of trauma, and tons more horrible treatment, I finally found a person who is kind to me, who cares about me, and who legitimately treats me right. She is happy with me. She tells me every single day how lucky she feels to be with me but I feel it is the other way around. We do not argue. We do not fight. We have differences and disagreements but we talk them out and never get upset with each other. Ever. It is everything I have ever wanted in a relationship and so much more. Is it perfect? No. Nobody is. But we never have problems with each other because we are okay with our differences and have so much else in common that it does not matter.The problem? Her life outside of being with me is kind of a mess. She escaped from an extremely abusive situation only to find herself in another more dangerous one. She has more freedom now, but she also has to fend for herself, which nobody ever taught her how to do. she is sheltered. she is inexperienced. She feels guilty for everything wrong around her because people have bashed into her head that everything is somehow her fault. And now her roommates are all treating her like shit, financially using her even knowing damn well how much she is struggling, and one of them is an actual dangerous psychopath who is mentally unstable and basically a sexual predator. Nobody in her household gives a flying fuck about her safety or mental wellbeing. And I feel like it is all my fault for getting her out of her old abusive home and into this one. She wants to leave. She wants to move out and find new roommates and get a better life for herself, but she was never taught how to do any of this and does not have any responsible adults in her life whatsoever. Nobody is there IRL to help her. We spend 24/7 together outside of her working, and when we do that, we are happy. But there is just so much bad shit going on in her life that she needs to get away from, for both of our sakes mentally, and it is so damn difficult because there is only so much a sheltered runaway can do. Given the circumstances she is doing amazing as it is and I am more proud of her than I could ever put into words, but it is stressful as fuck and hard on both of us regardless. Even though we are happy with each other, I am terrified. I do not know if we are going to make it out the other side of this. Neither of us wants to give up on the other, but the world seems to love to make it feel impossible for us to survive in an adult world.I do not want to go on if life is going to be this harsh to me. It just is not worth fighting for. Even if the payoff is something good, even if there somehow is happiness waiting for me on the other side, I do not want it if this is what I have to endure to get there. I have wanted to die ever since this living situation started, both my own and that of the one goddamn person I ever loved who has been genuinely good to me despite everything being against us. I am just tired. I am out of energy. I know damn well that I do not have it in me to kill myself. I might come close but knowing me I doubt I would be brave enough to ever go through with it. Honestly, I have lived out the past several months hoping to die in some kind of accident, and I do not know how to get any semblance of hope back. I know I need it, but it is just not there and I do not have the energy to search for it anymore.I do not know how to cope with these thoughs. She knows about them and encourages me to talk to her about it, and when I do she IS helpful, but I feel horribly manipulative and I feel emotionally abusive for saying something about suicidal thoughts or self harm. I just feel horrible for bringing it up. I do not know how to talk to her about it without feeling like a terrible person. And let me make this very clear: SHE does NOT make me feel this way. She does not guilt trip me. She does not feel manipulated or controlled. In fact, she goes out of her way to specify otherwise. But I personally cannot shake the feeling that I am being manipulative. it is not her making me feel like that. I just feel that way on my own, for saying anything at all. How do I tell people I love I am suicidal without feeling manipulative?",Suicidal +12759,"I think this time might work, I am going to kill myself tonight. I have a razor. I am sorry to my friend, I love you bud, but I do not know if this will work. I love you, so much. But I cannot do this anymore, I am tired.I am so tired. Hello",Suicidal +12760,Two of my friends just attempted suicide In the past two days and I was planning earlier on in the week but I stoped myself for some reason. anyway I just need some support I just need to talk,Depression +12761,"She left this world, passing through a lot of agony and pain. I did not she would a tear, it is a pain that I am used to. However my existential dread is getting worse: what is the point in living if all we meet at the end of the road is anguish? Why do we love so much and set our soul aflame just to make ourselves happy? Why are we bound to repeat the same mistakes forever? Is this hell? My grandmother died yesterday",Depression +12762,"The last few months have been okay for me. I have gone to therapy and it is given me ways to cope with most of my depressive thoughts, at least the ones caused by obvious thoughts process. Last night I had a dream that made me depressed. I remember running away from people all around me laughing at me as I just tried to get away from them so I could find a space to crawl into and curl up. Once I woke up, this sense of worthlessness still stuck around but I could not find any of the thought processes that I know how to combat now. I just felt like an awful human for no reason.And then I imagined what it would be like if I was in a country with easy access to handguns and if I had one myself. It suddenly felt very easy to imagine myself loading it and holding it to my skull. The decision to pull the trigger feels like it would be so easy, and yet I do not understand why. I am in a better place than I was last year. I feel fairly free and OK with life where as back then I was planning out the finer details of how to take my own life, and yet that idea of dying still feels like the only way I am going to get away from these thoughts completely.Is that my reality now? Having to occasional fight the urge to end it all for no particular reason? Why does the decision to end it feel so easy?",Depression +12763,"It all just feels so useless. So pointless. I am, for the rest of my life, going to be tied to a meaningless job so that I can scrounge enough money to make some sort of living before I die in the end anyway. I just cannot be bothered with it anymore. I cannot see any way to be hopeful about the future, with economies crashing, billionaires going to space, and climate change. I have self harmed for years anyway and while I know that slit wrists have a high survival rate, I do not know any other way that I have the balls to do. I am just tired of it all. Therapy? Well, if I go Ill still have to work, and Ill still die in the end anyway. Just mindless venting I suppose",Suicidal +12764,"And I am going back to a place where I had no idea a person could feel like this. Where I was ignorant to it all. This terrible despair that just festers inside of me now, it is unbearable. I want that ignorance back. I want it back so bad.But now that I got my thoughts out, I will enjoy my high. Accidentally got super high",Suicidal +12765,"I honestly do not know what to do anymore. I joined the Army back last year and shipped out for basic last month. I was pretty happy at the time since I just graduated HS and was making my parents proud following in their footsteps. Now not even 2 months in, I am back home on con leave for a hip and knee injury and I just do not think I can mentally handle going back to Georgia. I have lost all my motivation. It just sucked being there in Red Phase. Sleep deprived, Hungry, Constantly getting screamed at/smoked for minor mistakes. does not sound like much but when you combine it all together, it sucks. I tried to power through but got injured the last week of Red Phase. Now I am getting recycled and being placed with a platoon freshly starting. I am honestly contemplating suicide. I am just sick of living at this point. I doubt things will get better for me. Joined the Army and feel Suicidal.",Depression +12766,"I am aware of the damage that killing myself will do to my friends and family, but I cannot handle living another day anymore. I wish I can just sleep and not have to exist anymore. I am tied of living but do not have it in me to kill myself",Suicidal +12767,"I have a friend who just gave up on life. He hates who he is. Ever since he got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he depended so much on that.I want to help him but how can I help him when I am suffering like him? How do i make him stay even though he does not see a point in living? How do I make him stay when he refuses to ask for help because ""its just people telling you your life matters""?Please help me. He will not get help. He refuses to share to any people his problems. He gets ""jealous"" when people are there for someone but not him even though he will not tell anyone. How do I help a depressed friend who does not see a point in living when i also do not see a point in living?",Depression +12768,"My doctor gave me a prescription for venlafaxine.. I do not know if I should take it.. I suffer from depression, panic attacks and social anxiety Experiences with venlafaxine?",Depression +12769,"Growing up no one bothered remembering my name, not even teachers. I missed out on a lot in high school because I was never on any of the lists despite me telling them days before. I do not understand what makes me so forgettable. So unnoticed despite my efforts to talk to people. As I got older coworkers did not know I even worked there despite us starting at the same time. Managers would forget I was there. I have stopped trying to be noticed at this point. Why am I so invisible? (Rant)",Depression +12770,I am doing that and feel a big improvement. Modern people are sick because of the things I listed above. Were physically the same as our hunter-gatherer ancestors. Living like them without all the digital shit is a lifesaver. Have you first tried eliminating tv/movies/news/and social media from your life?,Suicidal +12771,I wish it would just end. It was my birthday...,Suicidal +12772,I am doing it. Who fucking cares anymore. Everyday I lie saying its getting better its getting better. When its not. I do not care anymore. I do not want a future. I do not want to wake up anymore. I want to be a statistic not a person. Fuck it.,Suicidal +12773,"I have been feeling better for the past month or so, but I have this feeling of dread because I know that my depression will come back, and probably harder than ever. This will most likely affect me for the rest of my life. I just wanted to know if anyone else out there feels the same way. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, your depression will always come back. Life-long depression",Depression +12774,"I do not know where else to post this. I really considered it a month or so ago, I almost did it, then I said fuck it and passed out drunk and went to work like it never happened.I guess I have been thinking like, life is meaningless, so why not embrace it? I hate the circumstances I have been born into, would not suicide be defeatist and playing the victim when I can reclaim every horrible thing I have been through and live through it and help others? Yet it still crosses my mind, and I find comfort the option exists. So idk what this means or if anyone could relate. I am just so confused",Suicidal +12775,"30 years old, and massively behind my peers career wise because of various reasons. Have had 3 long distance relationships but never met any of them in person. I have never even held hands with a girl that is not a family member, never kissed, never had any form of intimacy. My last relationship ended with me begging them to talk to me one last time and them blocking me everywhere. I am unlovable and they are trying their best to forget me, because that is how much of a garbage fucking person I am. My existence is disease to them and they are rightly trying to get rid of it. My home life was always garbage since I was born. Mentally abused by my father since I can remember. I was never given a chance to be a child. I was forced to grow up at a young age. So much pressure and expectations until I went into major depression and just stopped trying. I had to stop my dad from killing my mother recently. He started choking the life out of her and I had to restrain him while watching the blood drop from my mothers face. That image and this memory will forever be with me, breaking me apart even more. In the last 3 years I have been trying again because I saw some hope, but its gone now. I do not see a point to be alive anymore, I do not want to kill myself yet I think. But if I could just stop existing forever I would take that in heartbeat. I just want to not exist. 30 year old and my life is a joke.",Suicidal +12776,I would want to call my ex and tell them that Its ok if he does not want me back. I am not as strong as him because I am exhausted trying to win him back. Id swim river Styx for him but its not enough. Will the police contact my recent calls/texts to figure out what happened ? His dad does not know hes gay and his parents do not like me so I do not want them questioning him and have them suspect anything. Will they go through my phone if they find me beside it?,Suicidal +12777,"if i cannot die in the literal sense, i will just become such an empty and hollow she will of a human being that i may as well be dead. no more interests. no more hobbies, no more skills, no more emotions, and no more goals. no potential will exist, thus erasing expectations. there is no personality to speak of. let myself fail out of school, let myself starve to death. I will lose all my friends, maybe my family will disown me. i never want to be remembered. erasing myself",Suicidal +12778,title basically. I am stuck in an endless loop and it makes me want to never be born. I just want to be an artist but practicing alone makes me want to unmake myself. I have taken classes/hired tutors back when I had money but I am still just bad? does not help that I am not good at anything else I try to do either. I have no skills and attempting to practice things just makes me hurt myself because I cannot stand being bad at things.,Depression +12779,IF I WANT MY CAMERA TO BE OFF OR IF I do not WANT TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF EVERYONE THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I should not HAVE TO BE FORCED TO DO SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO. WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE?????!!!?!?!!? I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE do not RESPECT THE FACT THAT YOU do not WANT TO SPEAK OR SHOW YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF DOZENS OF PEOPLE,Depression +12780,"I pay rent, I have other bills, I have been just diminishing my savings. I got a job at a clinic recently, which will help me not feel so useless. But as soon as I got hired I was hit with a wave of, ""what even is the point."" I have so many goals and aspirations but I cannot do a single one unless I magically get money. I cannot travel because I cannot afford a decent car, I cannot afford college, I can barely pay my bare minimum bills as is. My body dismorphia has slowly been getting worse and worse too, I gag when I see myself now. It has kept me from doing things I want to do, I am disgusting. I always thought dysmorphia was for skinny girls who thought they were fat, but turns out it can be for fat girls who are so ashamed of how they look it impacts their entire life.The only thing saving me right now is my best friend, but that sort of thing can only last so long. I am so jealous of everyone around me, who have so many people that can help them. They have so many opportunities. I feel like I am never allowed to be sad, I am not allowed to want to die all the time. I attempted suicide twice. Both before I met my best friend, but I think back on those times a lot. My life was so much worse then, so why has not the feeling gone away? I got a job and it made me feel worse",Depression +12781,"You said you would be there? Were you? I could not tell.I am running to you now. You either take me home or let me go forever.Please. I need you. it is too late to save my body, but I need you to catch my soul. I am not killing myself anytime soon, but here is a suicide note I wrote to Jesus out of sadness and anger. I am a Christian, kind of, so that is why it is to him.",Suicidal +12782,"I have found that going to McDonalds to get an iced coffee every day makes me feel so much better. Its really weird. I feel pretty terrible when I wake up in the morning but then I just go get the coffee andI feel better. I think its because its the only constant in my day and it keeps me sane. Sounds dumb but its helping me a lot. This might sound dumb, but",Depression +12783,take me years still no luck why is depression so hard to deal with,Depression +12784,How should I get rid of it it follows me everywhere.. just like a black hole whenever I manage to find some light it crawls back in and takes it away what it wants from me I am tired of fighting it should I allow it to swallow me maybe then I ll stop running Negativity negativity,Depression +12785,"I have been having such a hard time at home for the past 8 months. My little brother has autism. Hes been like that since I was 5. we have gotten better at helping him but hes 19 now and a big boy. He does not know his own strength. He almost got us all killed in a lengthy car ride, twice. His behaviors have been getting worse and unmanageable lately. We thought we fixed it but it only helped for about a week. It just feels like were going one step forward two steps back. I do not blame him for anything, hes autistic and I love him and I know he cannot control it. Hes on a lot of medication and THC/CBD. It only barely helps get him by. My life is centered around him and I cannot relax at home and I am constantly on guard. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, with former diagnosiss of depression and GAD. My best friend barely talks to me, I barely get any sleep, my depression is getting worse, and I am afraid of letting anyone know how bad this stuff is. I feel like a burden, like I am always moaning and whining and sad. I just want a hug. I do not know how much longer I can do this. I do not know if I have any more strength left in me. I am so scared",Suicidal +12786,I am not sure if I have depression but I have this pain in my heart and its not mental pain sometimes it hurts and just ruins my day and I cannot think of any reason why it happens I have asked a lot of people and they do not know I have a question,Depression +12787,forced to live. hi,Suicidal +12788,When i put it all together all these years of sadness and misery could have and should have been avoided if i had managed to get access to means to end it sooner I have been crapped on picked on my whole life when i would do nothing to those people so much horrible stuff has happend ill admit i was not perfect either I have done some bad things also but way more would the bad things happen to me for no reason i was the punching bag of society and my own family treated me like I am the spawn of satan well maybe this is good ill get to leave this planet to paradise away from all the bad people i truly wanted to believe things would get better but they just do not it is with great regret this is the way it has to be i know no one will miss me when I am gone in fact i think they will be happy about it good for them i cannot wait to take them and just leave this world for good still have not decided on when probably sunday though it pains me so much that i have to die to be happy :(,Suicidal +12789,i got my period yesterday night and i have not had the strength to get up take a shower and change my clothes. i feel disgusting I have never done this before. i have ate just been in bed mostly. and all my mom can say is get up clean ur room. too depressed to get up,Depression +12790,"If I dosed myself with chloroform and like jumped from 40m above the ground, would I feel it? And is there any other chemical that would knock me out so I would not feel anything? Suicide...duh",Suicidal +12791,I have caved and called 4 times and only left feeling worse. These people are not fit for this job or offer any sort of real help. is there any vocal alternatives? Alternatives to the suicide hotline?,Suicidal +12792,"Tonight I have come to a realization. I have done all I have can, at this point there is no denying it, I need help, and I realize I do have reasons to stay around. All I have got to do is work up the nerve to say to someone I am not ok, I need help. But I feel like I cannot because Ill be seen as weak or Ill be ostracized, more than I already am. But at this point that seems insignificant to the mental anguish I can no longer cope with, I am ready to take that step. Ill give life another chance. I have come to a realization.",Suicidal +12793,"I work alone overnight and I decided to *not* have my headphones in for my nightly dose of escapism this time and to just let my thoughts wander. In the past 30 mins I thought about all the things that make me miserable (my self body-image, the fact that my bf and I have nothing in common, the fact that my parents only want me around to use me for favors, being unemployed after having been fired from my career job, how easy it is for me to fall into a toxic binge drinking spree, and my sick dog as well as the existential dread that comes with acknowledging how quick a dog's life is ) And I also thought about all the things that make me happy (My body when I treat it right and exercise, the fact that I have a bf and someone who loves me, the fact that both of my parents are still around and I can visit them, the freedom I have from not being stuck to some shit career position I actually hated, how much fun I have when I party with my friends, and how happy my dogs make me when I see their faces first thing in the morning)And it made me realize that everything in my that makes me momentarily happy or miserably depressed are two sides of the same fucking coin and I am so sick of this game. it is a game I will never win. Nor do I care to at this point. If it was not for the fact that I damn well know I will be traumatizing those who care about me, I would get drunk, blast my favorite 90s alternative metal song, and drive off a bridge. I just talked myself in and out of suicide in the past 30 mins.",Suicidal +12794,"Its late at night where I am. So I usually stay up late due to my work and personal life. It gives me a break from everything & everyone which I weirdly enjoy now. Used to be a social butterfly but I have kept to myself so much, its odd to compare me now to who I was 2 years ago. I barely talk to most of them now.My thing is when I am going through severe anxious and depressive episodes I tend to isolate. And by that I mean I am so ashamed of where I am mentally that I do not want other people to see me like that at all. It feels like its shameful. This last episode is like no other there is been things in my life going on that have stripped any sense of consistency.Reflecting on who I used to be is what kills me the most. It feels awful that I am stuck in this cycle, but I feel like I need to get out of it because no one wants to be around a Debby downer, I understand. I have been there with others.I want out. I want to get out of this cycle but my standards for myself are high, because I do not want to be someone who I would not have wanted to be around (if that makes sense).I am genuinely just jaded, tired, exhausted. I know if I cannot be my best self then there is no point in presenting myself to new people. I have been lonely lately due to this mindset.If anyone has been in a similar place PLEASE let me know if you have found a way to cope. Can someone relate at all (22f)?",Depression +12795,"2:56 AMnot sure i belong here without a proper diagnosis, but it has occurred to me over the previous months of self reflection that the way my brain functions may be similar to those who proactively post in this community. I have worked the past 2 years under the shine of moonlight (12 hour shifts) and have contributed the sickness plaguing my mind to the lack of sunlight, activities. After further consideration and insight into this illness i cannot help but notice several similarities in my behavior that are commonly linked to depression. a small part of me wants to better myself, but another has the need for isolation, to pull itself away to become unknown. if life itself truly is a simulation i want out.Journal: the thoughts of disapproval, hate and unwant in those in our social bubble lead us to the only feasible answer. Isolation. But isolation only leads us to loneliness, a feeling too unbearable for myself to cope with. Isolation is the key and the cell. The plague drives us from who we think we know to trap us in a prison where within it lies in wait, it is only purpose to leech and degrade the only thing keeping it alive. 3:20 AM I am New",Depression +12796,I have been addicted to pornography for a long time and during the time it became a drug for me. It became my Xanax/Prozac.I get upset and stressed easily because of it and this leads me to relapsing with porn. And when I do relapse its feels like I am out of it and I am a completely different person. However when all is said and done I am upset about my sin and because of that it puts me at even more risk of another relapse.I get stressed easily and I have random bouts of depression. After my sin I dislike myself for what I have done and it takes a lot of effort for me not to kick myself in the ass. I try to take one day at a time but I get that voice in the back of my head saying that Ill relapse again.I have been on 23 different drugs over the past 5 years and nothing worked. I am supposed to do a new procedure called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). I seriously hope this helps me with getting myself under control so I would stop having my relapses. Relapses because of depression/anxiety.,Depression +12797,"Hello I am from india!I have issue with my family specially mother!My mother sometimes tortures my father! This may sound unusual or some short shitpost but I am serious!My father does not says anything because us (Me & My Brother) if they get divorce we will not have anyone who feed us!My father belongs to lower class family and my mother is from middle class family!Just because of my mother we went in to trouble of debt!The actual story is like this :-My mother thinks my father is on women matter (at this moment I am not able to explain properly hope you understand) So my mother thinks my father is always looking for another women which 100% Wrong.I know my father so wellThis has been happening for years!Just because of this we changed more than 6 to 8 houses even we left our 30 lakh+ personal house and now living in a ranted house.Wherever we shift house she always comes with the same excuse that my father looks at neighbours women and then tortures my father with this excuse.She beats him as well and he cannot do anything because of us!After few days everything becomes normal, they starts living happy life but again after few weeks she again starts shouting.I failed in 12th and now thinking to start online blogging and I have started it but due to this family matter I cannot focus!I do not want to study anymore because I know it will be worthless.I just somehow want to go out of this matter and start my own life but due that I cannot focus and gets anxietyIf I say something then it will even go more worse and I have failed 12th so even our relatives will not helpI just heard she said ""I have powerful relatives so I can easily fake accuse you and get away with it!""I am recording this staying up stairs idk it recorded clearly or not.Please suggest me what should I do!I cannot even tell anyone if I do then they will not trust me and If I open my mouth then they will surely get divorce and things will go worse!that is why I thought to do something online and as soon as I start earning I will start my own life but to this I cannot even focus on thatI have a friend who is with me but he does not know anything about this matter.If I tell him then he would kind of help but he is from lower class family lives in a small bathroom like houseSo even he will not be able to do much!I have been struggling for 2 years I had started 2 website both of them failed but now I have analysed the market and came with an idea to start a new website but this matter still comes in a wayAt the end my father handles everything but I do not think it would last longer, they cry infront of her but she says ""Why tf are you crying now, you did all of this and now crying""He begs that this will not happen again but again after few weeks she again starts torturing....I cannot see my father go through that nor I can do that much at this moment.....Please please suggest me what to do....At the end if something happens to my father then I do not want to live in regretEnding life seems better than struggling with this and at the end even if it gets shorted out I do not live in regretPlease suggest me what to do....... Need suggestions please help...",Depression +12798,"I have been bullied, made fun of etc. it started on my YouTube channel and then it escalated. Now the one who just made fun of me has hacked into my accounts or something and is leaking my private pictures over YouTube. YouTube will not listen and everyone is laughing at me. My father thinks I am secretly gay and that I have had sexual relationships with that bully. Everyone thinks this is just a joke. Maybe I should kill myself. I am being bullied and made fun of, I feel worthless, no one is on my side ; (",Suicidal +12799,"I literally feel like I am just not allowed to be happy. Literally just every time something remotely decent happens to me something bad happens and ruins it. I was finally happy for once I got into a relationship with someone who was just incredible and we broke up because well they just realised they cannot love someone for a long time. I feel like the way things are going for me I am going to end up failing in life, I genuinely cannot get the thought of ending everything out of my head. I have been to a psychiatrist to help with at least my anxiety but the medication does not fucking help. I am so tired of life and just everything in general I just want to feel okay for once and not like complete garage lol I cannot deal with this anymore",Suicidal +12800,i think i wrote a note and found a way to die. no i do not have the urge yet but i think i might. I have been thinking about it for so so long and I have never thought about actually killing my self only dying. but now i am i just have given up now. i cannot get up i can eat i cannot take a shower and i cannot even use the fuckign bathroom and all my parents care abt is if my room is fucking clean did i just do that?,Suicidal +12801,"Tbh I am actually kind of enjoying life but not, like there is more pep in my step but no motivation to step if that makes sense, if anything I am only prolonging my death by trying to feel like I matter, I feel like its going to be worse for everyone involved, anyway have a good day Peeps:) Well shiiiii",Depression +12802,Why do people not want you to kill yourself but when your alive all they do is tell me how much of a fuck up I am or they do not like you. My dad hates me. I just want to die,Depression +12803,"trying my best to type drunk with no autocorrect. basically i have nothing left in my life and my bestfriend just left our ""sleepover"" for a reason she will not tell me. decided to finally reach out and hang out after a long depressive episode, and she blows up at me (seemingly out of the blue.) It must be my own fucking fault, why else would someonw leave? I do not know what to do at this point. i have officially lost everyone. i hate my life so goddamn much and I am only 19. do not know what I am askjing for here lmao. love you all Last friend just left me.",Suicidal +12804,"This is not living its existing and I cannot stand it, I cannot stand waking and feeling anxious and trying to go back to sleep and being so very muddled and confused and just getting more worked up. I want my life back or I want no life at all. Please please please make this stop please I cannot do this everyday, every single day, I am just dragging myself through them.",Suicidal +12805,I have been alone for a while and In my past relationships I was manipulated and treated like shit and I just took it because I was afraid to be alone again after the 2nd time she cheated I finally just decided being alone was better off than whatever the relationship was I am so used to being by myself and feeling alone even when I am surrounded by people. My suicidal thoughts are all that run through my head its tiring pretending like everythings ok I have told my parents about it in the past and went to therapy and the doctors for help it helped for a while but then it did not it was just getting annoying going to see them that I just told everyone that I am fine but I am not. I recently found some one who makes me happy just being around her but everytime we stop hanging out my thoughts just take right back over and tell me that I am not good enough for her or that I do not deserve to be happy I really like this girl but I am so scared to be hurt again my thoughts are telling me that she feels nothing for me and that its just lust the last time I felt like this she hugged me for hours and kissed me with so much passion that I truly felt that something could happen between us but then I found out she felt nothing at all and she just did it because(in her words) yolo so now that this other girl is doing the same thing I am afraid she going to do the same thing the last one did i do not know what to do anymore I just want the pain to stop and lately all I can say to myself is for the pain to stop I should just end my life I am just sick of trying only to be told it was not good enough Should I just give up,Depression +12806,"I fell in love, but it did not work out. It drove me insane, but I left her. My own fault. Nothing makes it right. No one like her. It is 02:00, I had another vivid dream...have given up. No reason life should be like this. Dead fireflies on the banks of a dried up waterfall. cannot be helped. God hates me. Without her, there is no god. This is goodbye. All my accomplishments and potential are meaningless now. There is nothing. Love, youth, all gone. Nothing left. Tried to move on and help others. Nothing worked. I am afraid, isolated, mentally ill...I do not want to live anymore. cannot move on. Tangled up. I miss her, but she would never admit regret. Sorry, I cannot stand it. It will never stand. I am ruin. 17 years",Suicidal +12807,"Hello I am from india!I have issue with my family specially mother!My mother sometimes tortures my father! This may sound unusual or some short shitpost but I am serious!My father does not says anything because us (Me & My Brother) if they get divorce we will not have anyone who feed us!My father belongs to lower class family and my mother is from middle class family!Just because of my mother we went in to trouble of debt!The actual story is like this :-My mother thinks my father is on women matter (at this moment I am not able to explain properly hope you understand) So my mother thinks my father is always looking for another women which 100% Wrong.I know my father so wellThis has been happening for years!Just because of this we changed more than 6 to 8 houses even we left our 30 lakh+ personal house and now living in a ranted house.Wherever we shift house she always comes with the same excuse that my father looks at neighbours women and then tortures my father with this excuse.She beats him as well and he cannot do anything because of us!After few days everything becomes normal, they starts living happy life but again after few weeks she again starts shouting.I failed in 12th and now thinking to start online blogging and I have started it but due to this family matter I cannot focus!I do not want to study anymore because I know it will be worthless.I just somehow want to go out of this matter and start my own life but due that I cannot focus and gets anxietyIf I say something then it will even go more worse and I have failed 12th so even our relatives will not helpI just heard she said ""I have powerful relatives so I can easily fake accuse you and get away with it!""I am recording this staying up stairs idk it recorded clearly or not.Please suggest me what should I do!I cannot even tell anyone if I do then they will not trust me and If I open my mouth then they will surely get divorce and things will go worse!that is why I thought to do something online and as soon as I start earning I will start my own life but to this I cannot even focus on thatI have a friend who is with me but he does not know anything about this matter.If I tell him then he would kind of help but he is from lower class family lives in a small bathroom like houseSo even he will not be able to do much!I have been struggling for 2 years I had started 2 website both of them failed but now I have analysed the market and came with an idea to start a new website but this matter still comes in a wayAt the end my father handles everything but I do not think it would last longer, they cry infront of her but she says ""Why tf are you crying now, you did all of this and now crying""He begs that this will not happen again but again after few weeks she again starts torturing....I cannot see my father go through that nor I can do that much at this moment.....Please please suggest me what to do....At the end if something happens to my father then I do not want to live in regretEnding life seems better than struggling with this and at the end even if it gets shorted out I do not live in regretPlease suggest me what to do please help..... Need suggestions please help",Suicidal +12808,"I am not trying to act all high and mighty, and I totally understand how it gets emotionally draining commenting under so many peoples post, but it hurts seeing so many post being ignored, even if you do not have any advice to offer reach out, even if it is something cheesy and generic like ""stay strong man"" or ""do your best"", etc, it will go a long way for someone is mental health. Please comment on people's post",Depression +12809,"it is hard to believe all I see when looking in the big rabbit's hat. Word-full mouths and hungry scowls as the stomachs that talk, growl past. If I were to meet her and I were to greet her it would be with a big old slap. She knew what she did when she abandon the kid and sent him to old daddy's lap. A lie or a truth, even the best of sleuths would lose more than a tooth trying to dig under my cap.Hidden, not hiding, the map is a gift but you will never get through these doors. I can spill all my secrets and still I will have more because I live with an abundant source. Each turn I find my melting mind but I have already played this course. To you its a mess, but I live in success because you thought I was a fucking horse. A donkey or camel or some other animal that you could control with force. Try it and see that when you find me, you will only be given remorse. My prying eyes",Depression +12810,"I cannot take it anymore. My whole life is collapsing in front of me and I do not know what to do. So many problems and 0 solutions. I spend most of my days crying now about how fucked I am. 1. My dad left me when I was 2 so I should not even be here if my own dad did not even fucking want me.2. My mom does not give me any fucking privacy what is so ever. I cannot even close or lock my own door. I cannot have any privacy anymore3. I am now a Junior in hs and for the past 2 years I been getting A's and B's and now my own family makes fun of me for having no future. I am not even going to go to a good college and my future is fucked.4. I have no fucking idea what I want to do in my life. ZERO (0). I am going to be a fucking failure because I cannot get into a good college and I have no idea what to fucking do with my life. I have one thing I would like to try but I will get disowned by my whole family if I tried. 5. I am lonely. I have almost zero friends (real ones at least). No one cares about me and I barely go outside anymore and just cry in my room alone. I want someone I can care for and someone I can just love. But at last, to point number 6.6. I hate my body in every way. I am a fat fucking useless piece of shit. I have too much hair. I have too much body hair. I have to much facial hair. I have fucking glasses. I am ugly asf. I have so many moles. I have bad teeth. I hate my body and everything about myself. I hate it. I literally just cannot take it anymore but venting might help idk. I cannot take it anymore.",Depression +12811,They did not come pick up the proof I had and said not to call them based on speculation only. Why does this place even exist? I cannot sleep now because I did my best and it was not enough. Chat with me til I can sleep. I wish people were unable to wash the blood of the people they have hurt off of their hands. Help me get my mind off this. Its going to push me over the edge. DCFS can be so useless. I need to talk to someone.,Suicidal +12812,"I was recently diagnosed with GAD and Major Depressive Disorder, and it feels weird. I know my intention was to get diagnosed, but now I feel like an imposter. ""Am I really depressed?"" ""What if I exaggerated and I am really fine?"" All of these what ifs are taking a toll on me.I know I am anxious. I always have been and I do not see that changing. I guess it feels weird because I had not considered depression before going in for a diagnosis. I guess I always pictured that depressed people experience constant sadness (I know that some do). I guess for me it just kind of feels like nothing. I am not happy or sad. I am just existing. I would not commit suicide, but life is not colorful or exhilarating. To be honest, it feels monotonous and tiring. I still have instances of brief happiness and I can distract myself with work, but when it is just me, it hits. I hate reality so I do everything I can to avoid it. I am so tired every day. I am irritable, unfocused, I have no motivation, and my memory sucks (according to my psychologist). Because it is not what I typically think of for depression, it is making me feel so uncertain. My anxiety does not help either I guess I feel like a fraud",Depression +12813,"Tonight has been horrible. All day I struggled to stay positive but it all got fucked up the ass tonight. My mom is basically saying she does not like how my friend and I comfort each other, she made me give her my knife in front of my god damn friend, and now we are just sitting here like nothing happened. I want to cut so badly, I want to bleed, but no. I am pissed, I am depressed, and I have no will to live. I want to get run over by a fucking semi truck. Tonight makes me want to end it",Suicidal +12814,"I am not sure what to say, I am sure there are people here dealing with way more than I am. I have been having so many suicidal thoughts over the past month. My best friend moved to another province. I do not really have a lot of friends I can confide in. The few friends I can confide in I do not want to bother them. I am not hysterical... but I just do not want to be here anymore. I feel like life just is not for me anymore. I go to counseling, I take meds (I am bad at being consistent). It all seems like its in vain. I tried to cut my carotid artery this past Friday but the box cutter blade was stupid dull so I stoped (I was definitely hysterical that day). I am just so tired of it all. Extremely Lonely",Suicidal +12815,"Hey first time here man, I been realizing how much I wish to die and I wish I did not fear God or the afterlife if I do this myself, let alone the fear of still existing after this and having eternity of regret... fuck this mental prison fuck this fear of following through I wish to not exist anymore after its done and I wish I could just have it happen to me since i punk out too much... here is a little extra about me , throwing this pity party , been taking hard substances been more reckless in hookups been pouring my heart out to all my exes and crushes and just losing my mind and making a fool of myself and I feel nothing anymore... no future nothing but wishing I could do certain things again and fix the past I am stupid man,, got fired recently lost a lot of family to death over the last 3 years... nana dad Tio my childhood dog of 13 years... ex left me becomes a cum bucket and marries another nigga after 4 and a half years , meet an angel from Heaven type of women only for her to reject me ,just fucked up shit and I have no future I see no career do not embody a parent a. Husband a anything love hate my family especially my mom she constantly fucks me over and I keep letting it happen spent my savings now I have to charge back out to find another slave ass type of job just so do not go homeless again... fuck everything... I just wish to die and cease to exist forgive me God thank you for the gifts wish I felt differently.., only place to vent all my friends think I need to relax and everything will be ok but what is next another job another person who I cannot fully trust or expect them to leave , another death man I wish I was not so fucking ungrateful and felt the joy only thing that makes this life worth living is feeling a good song I love r&b music & introspective rap wish I had the talent but yeah guys just venting ... Been thinking of driving into wall lately feel like that would be the best way or beefing with a gang member and getting dome shooted and slumped .. yeah just being honest God forgive thank you for your blessings Cowards way out this is very hard to follow through with",Suicidal +12816,"I am alone, I have no friends, and my aunt just passed away today. I have no one I can vent to or just be extremely vulnerable with. Its been awhile that I have the feeling that today is the day. I do not want to be alive anymore. I do not enjoy it at all, Ill never have anything real. Its always my fault, I am either too depressed or to scared to enjoy life. I am going to die alone anyways so why not now. She enjoyed life so much, it should have been me that died, I do not deserve to live. I am starting to hate myself again",Depression +12817,"This is my first time posting on here. I did not really think I was depressed before, but now I do not know. I do not have anything special to say. I manage to go to work, pay the bills, but damn anything besides that and drinking is real hard. I feel like I should be trying harder, but for what? I wish I felt it was worth it. I know my family is worth it, I guess, but I do not know if I can do it for me. Anyways, you, thanks for listening, hope to see you tomorrow. Is it supposed to be this hard?",Depression +12818,My cats hurt and I cnat afford a vet right now I am on disability I do not even know if I can find a place to live I am broke and not working and I am competiinf with students I might be homeless soon I might just odd myself ichayebmyself I am horrible I mj orrivle I am horrible I am horrible,Suicidal +12819,do not expect me to do anything. do not expect me to get up or work or do anything. I am so broken I want to die sometimes. If no one is going to be there for me like I want then do not expect me to be there for them or society. do not expect me to do anything. This world makes me so angry. I hate living here because everyone looks down on you and judges you. I am completely broken and I am not ok.,Suicidal +12820,I am still in shock. I am laying in our bed and in his clothes. I cannot sleep and I am filled with so much sadness and have no one to talk to I feel so alone Lost my fianc today,Depression +12821,"I fucking cannot though. I cannot remember a day in the past 2 years I was not drunk or smokin a bowl. I am self medicating to the point that I know its detrimental to my health, but I am scared to stop, because then Ill be sober and feel EVERYTHING. I guess I could go to rehab and try to get help there, but my lack of insurance is forcing me to continue to self medicate. its a downward spiral and idk how to stop it. I want to help myself, but I am so scared of myself at the same time. I am trying to stay sober",Depression +12822,I am tired of this. I hate this sm much. I am done. Fuck it. I am about to be selfish,Suicidal +12823,there is no way out of this. i cannot stop thinking about anything but hurting myself. I feel like I am relapsing again,Depression +12824,"I know i could have it worse. I have a job. I have a few friends and i love my family. I think they love me. I hope they do. My best friend knows i struggle with depression but i afraid to open up to her about feeling suicidal. I am struggling to find any meaning in living if I am just sad and numb and just empty all of the time. I am too afraid to even seek out therapy. I get that I am still young, I am supposed to be 23 next week. But what is the point in seeing my birthday each year when i just know i have not accomplished anything. what is the point in living if I have been horribly depressed for almost 10 years? I have read people saying that suicidal thoughts are temporary but i really do not think they are. I used to go to class in high school and i would have vivid thoughts of my suicide after school. I have wanted to die for so long now. I am so tired. I am so tired of struggling",Suicidal +12825,"Idk what to really type here. I guess I am just on here because I know soon I will kill myself and I do not think I will write a good bye letter type thing. I have been starving myself and self harming again. I am planning on ending my life around fall. it is my favorite season and it will be somewhere in fall break. Why am I killing myself? Because I know I will not be anything but a suicidal, immature, piece of shit asshole. I am sorry if you are my family or friends reading this. I wanted to kill myself before the 4th of July, but..obviously that did not plan out as I wanted. I am starting high school in two days. I will just be another suicide in this boring fucking town. Well, it was good to vent ig. Also, if you are reading this, and I did already kill myself, it was not your fucking fault, I did it because I feel like shit almost 24/7. my thoughts ig",Suicidal +12826,"what if i tried so much to pull myself back but i failed everytime, i have developed anxiety over years and it is not going away and my depression does not have a switch and i could bring myself to something for myself, everytime i try to do something, i ask myself what is the point of this? i always considered killing myself but never had the courage to do it, i do not have anyone near me because in the early stages of my depression, i pushed everyone away, my parents are telling me to move out, i still have no idea about outer world but i could not even smile , never felt genuinely happy for anything, i just want to die a painless death , everything i question everything, while typing this I am wondering if I am trauma dumping or self victimising, i do not even like to open up , i do not want to get better i want to die what if i never overcome this?",Depression +12827,"Within the past six/seven months I recently got out of a marriage with a person who was a narcissist as well as verbally and mentally abusive. I was with him for four years. In the process of going through our divorce, there was a guy that I messaged on pretty much a daily basis. Honestly more so for advice and such. Well eventually things happened and one thing led to another and we got super close. We started dating and honestly I could not be happier. He honestly has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He treats me how I deserve and should be treated. Compliments just about every day and does everything he can to show how much I mean to him. Of course I do in return. However, in the past I have been through several relationships that have either been abusive or just was toxic in general. Plus I had a very rough childhood regarding my father. Over time this has caused me to be more so or somewhat second guessing when I have got in a relationship with someone. On whether their feelings are actually mutual, whether or not they could potentially cheat, if I actually meant something to them etcWell the guy I met while my ex-husband and I were going through a divorce like I mentioned, in the 5 months or so since him and I have been together the way I have been treated by him is something I am not used to. I have never been treated with this much respect by someone. Part of me constantly second guesses on whether or not its real or if I am just living a fairytale and one day I am just going to wake up and its all going to be a dream. With my past history of relationships of them being toxic I never got the love and appreciation I deserved. Even when I gave the relationship 110% I was not even receiving half that. With that being said I need some advice or coping mechanisms that I can help ease this constant thought in my mind of always second guessing on whether or not its real or fake. I do not want to end up pushing him away because honestly hes the best thing that is came into my life. Please no judging or rude comments. Struggling",Depression +12828,"When I was a little kid I thought life was all about fun and excitement. As I got older I slowly came to the realization that modern life is mostly just a boring and mindless rat race. The majority of people spend most of their time working and doing a bunch of boring shit just to get by. If this is what existence as a conscious being is all about, then I would rather just put a bullet in my head. I hate the idea of being stuck in the monotonous cycle of modern life. I would rather just skip to the end.",Suicidal +12829,"Trigger warning: suicide, forced hospitalization It feels selfish to be sad all the time. I have an internship doing stuff I legit dreamed about as a child, making more money in a season than some people do all year, living in California, with a social life and a roof over my head. I have a full ride for a masters degree and am a published scientific author and have done thing that five years ago I could have only dreamed of doing. But I am not happy.In January my best friend of 10 years, who I had recently, killed themselves. They were the first person I talked to every day and tbh some days they were also the only person I talked to. They were beautiful and kind and the nicest person I have ever met and I would have given them the world without hesitation. I loved them (in every sense) more than I have ever loved anyone else including myself. We actually ran away together but then had to come back because of our silly little obligations. Even before they passed I had days were the only reason I got out of bed and went to class was because I knew it would distract me from the things that were keeping me in bed. I would frequently lay on the floor for hours at the end of the day, so much so that I eventually just go a sleeping bag which I keep rolled out in a corner of my room. My poor mental health only spiraled after their death. Suddenly, the person I told everything to was gone. The person who forced me to apply to half of those things was gone. And so when acceptance letters were rolling in I was not happy because I could not celebrate with the one person I wanted to celebrate with. I am not saying they were my only friend, I have 3 other people that I al extremely close to, but my friend who passed was always the very first person I told.Then in late April things got really bad and I ended up getting forcibly hospitalized for a week. Suddenly all of the freedom that I spent my entire life working for was gone and I had to work my ass of to be cleared for release.Now I just feel weird all the time. Like I have done all these things but I am not happy. I feel more alone than I have ever felt before and I am scared I am going to spiral again. My therapist is also quitting so I have to find a knew one and that is stressful and I feel like I have no one left I can be sad with because realistically I think the only thing I experience anymore beside sadness is apathy. It all just feels weird",Depression +12830,"I am a 15 year old male, i recently came home drunk and my mom caught me.I have been depressed for like half a year now but I have never managed to tell my parents, i do not know why but its just hard to talk about i guess.when i got home, my mom asked if i was drunk. I denied it. She then asked to smell my breath and she knew instantly. She had alcoholic parents growing up so she is good at knowing when somebody is drunk. She also went through my bag and found snus, which is a kind of tobacco product.So i started crying and told her i needed help and that i was depressed. She said that she could help with that and get me a therapist. I was actually kind of relived that she caught me so i could finally get help. I was grounded for a few days and then went to my dads house the next week. And I have been back at moms house two times now for a week at a time. I think its been 3 weeks scince this.But my problem is that my mom has not said a thing about me being depressed and all that after that night. So I am not getting any help. Its not that she is a bad person and that she does not care. She is herself suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome so she is having a hard time.I think she might think it was an excuse for getting drunk. But now its back like it was before i cannot het myself to bring it up again.What should i do? What should i do?",Depression +12831,"Its very hard to find words as I type this and it might sound dramatic to many. I am a 14 year old kid who has had to move 3 times because of my dads PCS. Just last year I moved to Hawaii, and I am struggling to get my grips in the state. Constantly I think about the memories I made with the friends I can no longer contact and the past that I made with people I do not talk to anymore. Its becoming increasingly difficult to. E happy in my everyday life and very hard to express how I feel to people around me. I have noticed that I have been become extremely irritable and that all I can think about is how I wish I was back in Chicago or wherever else I was happy. I pride myself in being resilient and I want to stay that way for my parents but it becomes harder by the days. My only constant contact is my over sea friends who I have never met and play games with. It helps to talk to them but I realize how much of ky life I have wasted on video games and how its impacting me. I have picked up endless hobbies and am even pretty sociable but its become incr sibyl hard to make a connection with anyone a all. I miss my old life and I miss having people I hang out with. I hate bothering and getting on my parents bad side because I love them. How do I move on experience life in the moment without this constant sadness and dread in my heart? I am a military child and I need help",Depression +12832,"My depression has been really bad lately. For the first time it is gotten to the point where even I acknowledge that I physically cannot make myself do even the most basic self care tasks. Like my ADHD has cost me to forget about brushing my teeth or my hair or taking a shower for extended periods of time. But currently I look at my sheets brush and I know I should brush my teeth and I feel bad about it and I beat myself up over it and then I turn away from it. it is too big of a task. I told myself I needed a shower tonight, a real shower where I thoroughly wash my body and my hair. I have been sitting in cold draining water four roughly 2 hours. I have yet to pick up the soap or even submerge my whole body. I am now cold and there is but an inch of water in the tub, I am trying to convince myself that the only way I can get up and get to my bed and if I wash myself first. But lying naked cold and damp in a cramped bathtub sounds more doable/more appealing to my depressed mind. Depressed. I do not fucking know what to put here.",Depression +12833,tried to kill myself and now I cannot deal with the guilt of trying to do itit's eating me up inside what do I do?,Suicidal +12834,"Like I am not suicidal but I sometimes rly fucking hate existing, and in these moments I think about how everyone would feel bad for not giving a shit about me. And I know that it is very selfish of me but I will not actually kms so its fine.also I feel like I am not sad enough to be depressed, bc I know I will not actually physically hurt myself. Idk I just wanted to get it off my chest. Sometime I wish I could just kms so ppl knew I was hurting",Depression +12835,I am so lonely i just wish i was not here anymore. Some people have friend groups and significant others and awesome family members. I am just alone. The feeling of complete loneliness,Suicidal +12836,I have reached out to so many who I have done wrong and even to those who have done wrong to me and forgiven them. I am so so tired of trying. I am tired of trying for another year for trying to be better for my family for trying to be better I am tired. I know no one will respond to this I know that very few people respond to my things and that is fine I am just another person in a giant world. I am not expecting forgiveness and they should not expect forgiveness from me I guess what I wanted was connection. Someone to see me for more than who I have been and for who I want to be. I just cannot do it anymore I am reaching 26 in America that means that you have to be on your own you pay for your own health insurance even if you cannot afford it and I cannot afford it. No one has ever been in love with me I have not had friends in years in my own family cannot stand me. And honestly I do not think anyone will read this I am putting out here to say and I am planning to end it that I will end it before I am 26 that I will no longer be a burden on my family. I cannot do this anymore the world is ending the earth is dying and humans do not care about each other and how to fix it. So if people do not even care about the planet they are living on how can I expect him to care about one of the billions who lives on it. I cannot I am nothing I will be only one amongst millions who have come before me and dies forgotten. I do not even quite know what I have done wrong other than being born a girl that is stupid and ugly and fat. I hope so many of you find love and happiness and purpose. I hope no one ever feels the way I do. I hope but I am tired. I am tired.,Suicidal +12837,"please do not kill yourself. please. first, I am sorry. for everything you are going through, i am so sorry. i wish that there were magic words that would be able to take all of the pain away, that would because any doubts about yourself to disappear. i wish i could say something to make you feel better in this very instant, but let us be honest- its going to take time to heal. and that is okay. if you are seething with rage, if you are sobbing uncontrollably, if you are manic, or depressed or not feeling anything at all- its okay. I am here for you. if you have come to the point where your weary heart has decided to click on this subreddit, or you have just happened to see this by chance, i want to say how much i care about you. i know these words may have been said before, and its hard to trust when people say it nowadays.. but i do care. and i love you so so much. I am so sorry you are in a place where the rest of the world has failed you and your poor heart is hurting so bad that you have to reach out to strangers on the internet to get some sort of peace for what you are going through right now. i will not pretend to know your pain, as i cannot know what situation you are going through right now, but i am so proud of you for being here. i see you. i hear you and i know how you feel. i know the absolute soul crushing feeling that comes along with a simple phrase your mind whispers, i just want to die. its so hard to get back on your feet, to keep going. and its so hard to stay strong and bear the pain that comes with itbut lookyoure still here you have not given up yetand I am so proud of you, my angel and you are not alone. i know this horrible feeling makes you feel singled out but i swear to you, you are not. i have been there. i know. you are so brave and amazing and smart and you have so many things you want to accomplish in life and you have so many things you want to do and see and you have dreams to fulfill! YOU have so much to do. now is not your time to go, sweetheart. you still have so much to do. and I am not going to tell you its going to be easy right off the bat. have you ever seen a baby fawn trying to stand up?? well, its like that. one step at a time. the path to recovery may be a little wobbly at first. but you can do it. i am here for you. please talk to me if you need anything, i will drop everything just to make sure you are okay. some things to do to help you:-take a cold shower -seriously talk to someone you trust about what you are going through -watch a movie you have always wanted to!-cry. just let it out-learn how to self soothe its going to be okay. i promise, in time everything works its way out. coming from someone who has gone through everything you are feeling, thinking, or planning to do- i have been there. and it will be better. i love you so much and i am so proud of you if you are looking for a sign, this is it",Suicidal +12838,"I hate my family, I hate myself, I hate existing. I am so fucking drunk rn. I have taken prozac that is not even mine. I cannot sleep, only think. I do not want to do anything. I am just sitting here cutting myself. I am so under age. My life is already shit. What will it be like when I am older??? I cannot do this, I do not want to. Please help me. Oh god for the love of god. I need someone to love me. Please I am so sorry. Oh god I fucking hate this",Depression +12839,"I will admit, I have been doing alright with my new morning routine. I need to stick to all my commitments a bit better, but realistically speaking I am doing way better in these last 4 days than I have done in the last 3 and a half years.That said, it is excruciating. Every day the symptoms seem to be coming back harder and harder and I am finding myself sleeping less because of it. Suicidal thoughts have been there again, always circling around in my head.Just screaming that I will never be good enough. It is eerily similar to a song called Carnivore by Starset. I did not do my executive exercise yesterday and I got along fairly well. But today I think I am going to go ahead and do it. it is nothing special, just me clinching my fists as hard as I can for 3 minutes. But damn, it is hard to not get sucked down into this. it is hard to not want to just stop. I keep wondering if this will always be there, just as it always has been. Will it just keep getting worse and worse, louder and louder? I wish I could find a way to tame this beast. Convince it to just work with me. We could be so powerful together. With how intense that laser focus is. I could be something I have never been. will not you come digest me?",Depression +12840,"no one will ever love me, not even myself. i think I am done peace",Depression +12841,"Please bear with my English. I am in full of tears. I have lived for 28 years now and I am completely done with my life. I have been extremely suicidal since 18. I have attempted 3 times but did not have the guts to go through it because of my religion. I am a Buddhist, and it says that I will burn in hell if kill myself. I am scared. that is the only thing prevent myself from doing that. I thought to write longer, a little bit about my story, but I cannot put anything into words. I am stuck. I feel sad when I see valuable lives being lost to cancer, accidents, covid etc. I would gladly give up my life if I can to save one of them. I am a completely worthless person to this world. Why they are keeping me alive? Sometimes i wish I do not have a religion",Suicidal +12842,"How it makes you think, what it makes you feel and what it makes you do/or do not do in your life? What does depression feel like to you?",Depression +12843,"Taking about 3000 mg of Benadryl, a shit ton of ibuprofen and Tylenol and that is about it. Any tips on what I should do? I want to overdose. but I am scared to vomit.",Suicidal +12844,"I have never been good with Reddit, or even sharing stuff about my life but I will try to post something that is not a mess.I am not sure where to start because I have never been able to track the source of all my misery.I am a male on his early 20s. Raised by a single mother, never had any paternal figure that would teach me how to become a man.I am what you would call a peak introvert. I HATE talking to people, interacting with strangers, I am AWFUL with women even if I am not attracted to one, I still feel extremely awkward and make a fool of myself. I can make ""friends"" and conversate with people if I had to, but most of the time when anyone talks to me I can barely wait for them to shut up and stop talking to me, no matter who they are, I just get lost on my thoughts.I never had a girlfriend, but did met someone online not long ago with whom i established some sort of virtual ldr. We talked for years until she got tired of waiting. That brought me down even further. The glimpse of hope I had for a normal life, was lost. I get easily lost on my train of thought so i do not even know where I am going with this lol.But anyways, the point i try to convey is that I am weak. I am extremely weak and have always been. Every time i was faced with adversity, I would give up.I joined football teams with my friends, and when they stopped going or I started making a fool of myself during the games, I would stop going. I would give up at the first shortcoming.I dropped out of college on the second week because I had to make a presentation and i was scared to talk in front of the whole class. Who on earth does that???I have no passions, no hobbies other than sleep, waste money and time on the gym (seeing crappy results in strength and size), play videogames (just to kill time, even that does not please me anymore), destroy my brain even further watching porn and wallow in my own misery. So my freaking life is a mess right now. If I really cared, I know I could do something about it...but do I care? No sir. I do not care what befalls me, what befalls my family or what befalls the world.Ever seen that Spiderman web of shadows meme? that is exactly how I feel. My world falling apart but I am just walking right through the middle like nothing is happening because I do not care. I turned my back on God...I am no man, I am garbage, I am a worm, I am nothing.Am i seeking for help? Am i seeking to get out of this place i find myself in? Will i listen to advices? What can you do when you do not care? When you feel like life is always against you. That when you feel like trying, you try and then boom! you are immediately denied of any form of improvement, no matter what you try because you are freaking weak!Sorry for the messy post, English is not my first language and i lose focus very easily.Thanks. My life is falling apart and I could not care less",Suicidal +12845,"I am 16 and I have had a horrible life so far (never had a friend, homeschooled until 14, not seriously poor but definitely poor-er than 80% of my peers). I had early access to the internet so I was not unaware of real life, I have just felt like an adult from maybe age 8 since my parents always involved me in all adult dramas and problems. My mom is chronically ill and bipolar (except not manic-depressive, more like calm-rage). My dad is an emotionally dead husk. My parents have never let me go out on my own except for my internship this summer, like literally i never saw someone my own age until I was 14. They will not let me work, will not let me do anything for myself (will not even let me make my own lunch). it is fucking insane. I have tried killing myself a couple times but it did not work. But I was a little bitch and did not make a real effort, i tried to strangle myself but it did not work. I usually just try to bury myself in reading or watching something, and lately I have been reading a lot of science fiction which just makes me feel horrible. My life is so boring and I get zero independence, I am a nerd who likes things nobody else i know likes (case in point: SCP Foundation). SciFi is horrible because I will be just enjoying an SCP video and it will end and lo and behold, a fat (not morbidly but somewhat) loser sitting in his room staring into a screen, with three windows: YouTube, Google docs for my internship, and CS:GO which I will play for 15 minutes, rage to the point at which I have literally either cried or punched a wall because I suck at that too like everything else, quit CSGO for an hour, watch an SCP video, do sub-par work, play csgo, restart the Ouroboring cycle. Life is just so boring. I am going to be honest, i enjoyed watching the Ww3 scare last year, watching the capitol siege. Even when it is horrible things nobody wants it feels good just to see something interesting happen for me. But 99% of days I will read my stupid nerd shit and go look at Twitter only to see the trends filled with stupid boring shit everyone likes except me. 16 years old... Reading fiction makes it worse",Suicidal +12846,My family is going on a cruise in September and its the same cruise boat I was raped on 4 years prior and I do not have the heart to tell my grandparents because they where on the ship when it happened.My mom and her boyfriend are back on dope.My dads 5th year death anniversary was a week back.My freinds do not seem to be picking up on me getting worse.I have been sh again to try to control other worse urges.I am just not sure I can keep pushing Really struggling tn,Suicidal +12847,"I do not have a single person that actually cares about me and it is been that way for a while. I accepted that fact a long time ago and kept peddling on. I am now at the point where I have set the date and plan and everything's ready for me to go. I just want to know why it had to be this way. I have been used as an emotional crutch by so many only to be forgotten about when they are out of their darkest times. I have never been anyone's first choice. Even my wife cheated on me after I worked so hard for our life together. Then at the end of my military career thinking I can finally be free to love and support her to the fullest I get hit with the biggest fuck you I ever experienced. I broke down and when I needed support I was told ""I am too busy, maybe later?"" I went on my days mindless and numb. I am so afraid of killing myself that the sole reason why I deployed was to die on the battlefield. I was unlucky and the ambush did not kill me. I think about how my suffering could have easily have ended if I had just peaked up and let them put the bullet in my head. Why have I made it this far? I have talked to my therapist, I have talked to people who ""relate"", but I can tell they do not have the slightest clue. I really wish I could have been dealt better cards in life but I have enough self awareness to understand that is just how life is. I only wanted to be happy and content with a normal life. A small circle of friends or people that I could actually depend on. Instead I am just alone and there is really no signs of turning it around. I have tried my hardest to reach out to others but it is always me who has to go the extra mile to maintain any sort of relationship. I cannot ever get someone to meet me half way. Pretty long rant and I am sure no one will truly ever care. I am just another person. Just a number to the statistic. People around me may grief for a bit because they had the slightest connection to me but will forget about it later because they have their own life to live. And I understand that. Any how this was pretty long, I am doing whatever I want and have been pretty reckless as the date is pretty close. I am hoping I can find the peace in death that I have desired so much but have been so terrified of at the same time. I wish the best for everyone and I hope you all find peace with yourself before it gets to a stage where you feel like there is no going back. Just another person.",Suicidal +12848,"I am cooling rn and decided I am ready to break the cycle. I am bout to roll up a big fat ass blunt, listen to some cool ass music, and ram the whip into something solid. I do not really have ppl to show emotions to so I am just feeling like fuck it I am about to let it out on Reddit lmaoooo. But yeh big chillin boutta be GEEKED tf up I am about to enjoy these next few hours",Suicidal +12849,"I messed up bad, financially. No longer doing one of the few things that I could stand doing and brought in enough money to keep me fed and sheltered. I am not immediately suicidal insofar as I am not ready to put a gun to my head, but all roads lead to Rome at this point, as far as I can see. I feel like I am not cut out for modern life. Not Cut Out For Modern Life",Suicidal +12850,"I used to cry very often, I guess in the early stages of my depression. Now, I cannot cry. Even when I want to. it is like the tears have been sucked out of me, and I am just an empty carton. I cannot cry anymore",Depression +12851,Feel like I am so fucking disgusting. I hate myself. I am a big huge piece of shit. Maybe I should kill myself. Maybe I am worthless. .,Suicidal +12852,"about a year ago, i made a half-assed attempt at an OD and ended up in the hospital for the night. when they asked me what had happened, i said that it was an accident and, no, i was not trying to kill myself. and despite how obviously emotionally unstable i was, they all either believed me and did not care to call my bluff. even my family did not see through my bs. neither the hospital psychiatrist nor my psychiatrist seemed to care enough to really look deeper. i know it is unfair to blatantly lie and expect people to see through it, but still. it is made me think about just how much I have lied to people. with most of the people i know, I have lied to them so much that how i am when I am lying just seems normal to them. and i think i keep doing it because it insulates me. but I have cut myself (and my ability to talk to other people about my feelings) so far off that it seems impossible to get out of it. i cannot even cry out for help anymore because I have isolated myself so that no one can tell. i feel like I have neutered my ability to be known. I have trapped myself in here alone the cries for help do not even work anymore",Suicidal +12853,"I can attract women, but I cannot have them because I am on disability due to mental illness. Its torture. it would be easier if I had no chance and was as I am. Then I could easily die. I wish my sex drive would stop.",Suicidal +12854,"He said he was falling to a black hole, and he would not want to meet me and needed to be alone. it is been 4 months since. I kept texting him and he responded at first. I got worried when he said that he has not seen or talked to any friends. I know his sleeping and eating patterns were crappy even before. His family or other friends does not know about the depression. He said he has seeked help but I have not heard how is it going. He said that my messaged did not bother and he did not block me or anything even when I said he could if it gets overwhelming. it is been 2 months since he responded any of my messages. Should I give him space or keep texting some stupid memes etc.? I guess the history of us dating for a while makes me anxious that he would just want to cut all contact with me if his dating someone else, for example. Shoul I keep checking on a depressed guy who has isolated and has not responded to my texts for months?",Depression +12855,i feel empty and alone every day i wake up. I feel hopeless and lost. I feel afraid and trapped in my mind. I dread waking up everyday and i wish something out of my control would just kill me already. I have only one true friend anymore and even that is dying out. I have never had a girlfriend and I am still a virgin other than when i was raped by my brother. I feel so alone and I hate being alive and I am miserable everyday i live. I want to live and see the world because it has so much to offer but not like this. I feel guilty for wanting to die because there are other people that want to live but cannot. I hope my family will one day understand why i did it and will hopefully forgive me because they will acknowledge the pain i was going through. I am fighting to stay alive by this point,Suicidal +12856,that is all i want really i wish people told me they were proud of me,Suicidal +12857,R/suicidebereavement is full of such people. Why are there people who want the suffering (us) to continue suffering?,Suicidal +12858,"I am just convinced of this at this point. i suffer from severe PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). i lost my period for a year for some unknown reason, probably health related, and now its fucking back. it fucking started again for no reason, its not even technically on time, and i can tell I am not just spotting a bit or whatever . I am so fucking devastated, having a period genuinely just makes me want to blow my brains out. i did not even care about all the health problems having no period can because bc i was able to be fucking HAPPY for so long, no monthly break down suicide attempts and not being able to function due to depression, now I am back like this. i knew it would come back but i thought i still had time to be free of it. i guess not. just sat on the toilet crying for so long. I am too much of a coward to kill myself so i suffer instead. also i do not want to hurt my pet cat and my family by killing myself. i do not want to be here anymore. to some people this must seem like nothing but its significant to me bc it fucks with my head so much. maybe its my extreme distaste for my anatomy, maybe its my hormones, i cannot explain it, but nothing sets me off more than this. i feel so lost and hopeless . truly nothing good ever lasts, ill have to live with this until i die. nothing good ever lasts",Suicidal +12859,Also is overdosing a good option or reliable How to overdose and on what,Suicidal +12860,"I am so used to holding it all in, but lately its getting harder to do. I have always tried to be brave by holding back the tears and now I straight up cry in front of people. Today was a very hard day cannot hold it in anymore",Depression +12861,Know what is worse than the bad news/situations you find yourself in? When the other party\[s\] are doing A-okay if not better. Screw with someone is life? Have your own life go swell to boot. Envy Sucks.,Depression +12862,"I have simply failed at everything I have ever attempted. Maybe I had some success early, never sustained. It feels like every move I make is wrong and I look at my friends or family, and every move they make is the right one. I get a real panic when thinking about it and realize I do not want to. I do not want to think about what a loser I am or how every decision backfires. Tried suicide once years ago, but did not take enough pills. I think its time to try again. I am just so tired of my life. Even with so much good in it, the temporary pain to those around me will subside and at least I can turn my brain off permanently. Ever realize you have just failed?",Suicidal +12863,"whenever I stop to think for too long about the future, I am frozen and paralyzed in fear. climate change, future pandemics, wars, greed, famine, natural disasters. it is only likely to get worse, because humanity has become so terribly, disgustingly numb to these things.covid showed me how little people care for the wellbeing of others, and how utterly selfish humanity can be. it also showed me how greedy and horrible those at the top are, stomping down the masses of poor who struggle just to survive, to scrape by as they are picked off by a global pandemic. the unlucky poor are forced to keep working for the gain of the rich and powerful, putting the health of themselves and their loved ones at risk just to barely scrape by.how have we not learned in all these years of existence? how are we so evolved and advanced but yet we still treat each other like this?why the hell does bigotry even exist anymore? humans have been around for thousands of years, and yet we remain hateful and spiteful in our ways, to the benefit of none.the fact that the rich do it all for money kills me inside. money will not matter when the earth is dead. when everyone on it is dead. money. will not. fucking. matter.but they would gladly sell out the entire earth for a made-up concept, and they would happily kill millions, even billions of people to do just that.what is wrong with us?i feel so powerless. my fate is in the hands of people who do not care about me, do not care about the planet, and do not care about all the other humans that are suffering.i want to have kids, but what is the point? I will regret bringing them into this horrible world, onto this planet that we are killing at an accelerated pace each year. it is so fucking unfair i was born into a world like this, and i absolutely despise it.what is the point of even living, of planning for the future? please, give me some kind of optimism. this world depresses me. the future scares me.",Depression +12864,anyone else just feel like a she will of a human i feel like there is nothing left inside memy emotions have left me i cannot care about anything and the only thing i can do is pretend I am ok and i just always feel so empty like i mean nothing ...I am i the only one who feels like that? I am broken,Depression +12865,I just took 26 pills and I know that is not a lot. Which is why I drank some alcohol with them. I am just so fucking tired and I am shaking so bad rn. I do not fucking want to recover and nobody can save me because I do not want to be saved. Hopefully I am dead after this attempt. Just took some pills.,Suicidal +12866,"and I remember being depressed at 6 years old. 32 F. I have been jobless since April 2020, had to move back in with parents far away from where I was living, I have no friends, no prospects. I have not been social in such a long time that when I try to be now I end up stuttering and falling over all my words and fail to make any point or contribution to the conversation. I also have nothing to talk about because all I have been is depressed. I try to take up hobbies/ find things to make me happy, but I just cannot be happy or interested in anything. The whole job interview process is painful and the stuttering is just as bad. I have a lot of experience, but cannot blame them for not hiring me when I completely lack confidence and cannot put together a normal sounding sentence. I try to practice, but it does not work. The more job rejection I face, the worse everything gets. After being constantly rejected by jobs and guys I have dated, I have zero confidence left. I cannot even look in the mirror. I hate myself SO much. When I see my reflection I feel sick and disgusted with the person looking back. It sounds bizarre, but I have this really strange feeling of wanting to scrub my face off; I am so overcome with disgust I just want to physically scrub the disgust away. Last week I ended up looking like I had a severe sunburn after - it is such a strange urge that I had never experienced before. Now I am just avoiding the mirror altogether.I am so sick of everything. I just want to end it all. I have always struggled with depression, but this is the first time I have felt truly and completely hopeless. the worst it is ever been",Depression +12867,"I remember hearing about this musician that got up on stage, played an original song called 'Sorry for the Mess' and then shot himself in front of the audience. A politician shot himself on camera right after a press conference because his reputation had been attacked and he thought it would be best for his family if he were dead. Maybe he was right.My older brother had a friend named Ed when I was little. Ed lost his left arm in a motorcycle accident in his early 20s. He dealt with heroin addiction most of his life, until he finally got himself cleaned up. He killed himself with car exhaust a couple years after that.I was told a man in my extended watched his mom set herself on fire to spite him. My parents knew a guy who watched his brother shoot himself in the head; at least that one was an accident.I am going to die someday. I want it to mean something. I can either die in a car accident and go down as a life cut tragically short, or I can pull the trigger myself and leave as one tiny ripple, one more small voice in the back of someone is head saying ""Maybe this life we have built for ourselves is not worth the trouble, maybe we fucked up."" Maybe, if we are lucky, they will actually try to fix it instead of just waiting for something to change. Maybe they will be stronger than me. Sorry for the Mess",Suicidal +12868,It seems death and I share a common thing. We both are waiting for me to die. And only time knows when I will. Unless I change the path of history by ending it all. Temptations arise. Need the end to set me free,Depression +12869,"I have got nearly no skills or talents, just sent a way over sharing text to my gf about how I feel useless because I was in a mood so I am already hugely embarrassed about that, and I never have to guts to do anything like other people. I have struggled on and off with suicidal thoughts for years, and since its probably permanent, what is the point in trying to make it through like this? I have embarrassed myself by opening up and making myself more vulnerable, I am considering ridding the world of myself before morning. I know I will not, but I also cannot ditch these thoughts. I am starting to consider this all again. I am ashamed of my own existence.",Suicidal +12870,"Our anniversary is the 29th, I want to be done then. I have nothing left here that I want. Breakups suck and I cannot deal with it",Suicidal +12871,"I am done with the countless hardships. I am done living in a dissociative and traumatized state. No, not everyday is terrible, but certainly no day is ever terrific. It never will be again. I am not here to be talked out of it. I am not here for attention. I guess I am writing this for no other reason but to put it out into the universe. I surrender",Suicidal +12872,since my mom knows i like airsoft- (not really an avid milsim guy or a speedsofter or anything i just like a game to shoot toy guns with my friends) if i bought a real steel 12 gauge with the sole purpose of wee wooing myself do you think she would notice ? interesting thought,Depression +12873,I should have killed my self years ago I am crazy in debt to the point where my credit is shit so even with a job Id be homeless. I cost my parents so much money daily just so I can eat and live so I am total fucking burden. I feel everyone around me is disgusted by my appearance and I feel awful about it. I mostly try to watch tv and play video games to escape so I am not me for a moment I should have done it years go,Suicidal +12874,"Idk what is wrong with me atm. I am 19 and I just do not want to be alone anymore. I have friends that I am nervous about talking to about this, because Idk if they could help my situation. I just want someone to talk to. Believe me, I am a 19-year-old, 6'3 male roughly about 220 lbs. You would think I would be getting some form of attention lol, but Idk really, I never get to talk bout how I am feeling and my life is not exciting. Idk how Reddit works but if someone reading actually just wants to talk, male or female, I would really appreciate it. Snapchat: Derekmorales16 Instagram:nyc.dm15 Idk",Depression +12875,Today had a massive argument with my daughter then my mother got involved. My ex has talked so much shit about me and denies it when she gets caught she had an affair with me last year and I have hidden it from her partner and everyone and she thinks she is perfect and above everyone want to expose her lies the daughter wanted to go to her mums and I do everything for her do took her and I am down my career is shit I am in debt and now my ex had won and I am the bad guy ! I have just driven to a quiet location and am writing this as a goodbye of sorts wish my daughter all the best luck in life ! I have reached the end.,Suicidal +12876,I do not want to be alone anymore I fucking cannot take it. I am losing my mind seeing everyone love each other day and night and I have to cry alone forever. I am always going to be alone. Why tho? Why could not it have been me to have a nice life Why could not I bee good looking or smart fuckin shit fuck fuck fuck Help please.,Suicidal +12877,Everyone here is depressed. Is there any point to me adding my misery? Does anybody help or get help? I am out of ideas for life. I need help. No answers. Not even here? Help me,Suicidal +12878,I am thinking of cutting myself again Cutting,Suicidal +12879,"My dog is insanely attached to me and I love him so much. he is my best friend. I am his person. And if I kill myself I know he will never be able to attach to anyone the same way, and will just constantly be waiting for me to come home. I wish there was a way to kill myself that would not traumatize him and make him feel like I abandoned him. I wish there was a way to communicate to him that it is not his fault and I will not come back but it is okay and he will be okay. I love my dog so much and I am actually cuddling with him and crying as I type this out now. The thought of leaving him behind and alone is just as my depression. I guess I am lucky to have him but God if and when I go through with it how can I forgive myself for leaving him alone. I wish I could kill myself without traumatizing and abandonimg my dog",Suicidal +12880,"My doctor just prescribed me effexor XR but I am afraid of taking it because of the literature out there (worsening of cognitive functions, weight gain, increased probability of suicide, etc). I understand it is something that is possible with all medication, but I am really scared of taking this - I did not feel that way about my previous meds like citalopram. Is there something wrong with my thinking? Has anyone taken this and seen positive effects? Afraid to take medication",Depression +12881,"I feel like I have to write this down to finally say something to myself outside of my damn thoughts. I am a 15 M and spent about 2 years putting on the happy face at school and pretending I was content to then spend the rest of my day home wishing I was not here, wishing I did not exist sometimes pretending I did not and imagining the happier life everyone else would have and how much better off they would be without me. These thoughts cloud my mind all to much and make me just want to disappear, I thought I had beat it and thought I was done then I fall back into the same depressive spiral of reasons I should not exist reasons why I am a fuck up. I heard this quote from my English teacher one time, life is suffering, suffering is what gives life meaning and he was right, everything ends all the good we have eventually becomes bad and we always pay a price. I keep falling into this hole and digging it deeper and I am sick of it, how do I fill the damn hole and pull myself out at the same time because I do not feel right and am sick of this, I do not understand what it takes to be fixed or if its possible. I have not cried in months and whenever I feel like it I become consumed with self anger and its reaction its not me but it is becoming me and I do not know how to stop it or what to do. Me",Depression +12882,Almost committed suicide Suicide,Suicidal +12883,I really need someone to talk to rn talk,Depression +12884,"I have attempted suicide 14-ish times in the past and obviously I am not very good at dying. Lately I have been feeling so alone and overwhelmed. Nothing feels real again. Everything is just fake. I am watching a movie of myself. For the first time in years I am feeling the ""static"" I felt as a kid again. The static of my brain, filtering everything and just not letting me feel joy or experience stuff in the moment. I recall my day but I do not *remember* it if that makes sense. A low-key and fucked up part of me misses being in an ICU bed and dying. it is awful I know, but when I was in the ICU at least someone cares about me and at least someone paid attention to me. I do not have a family or very many friends and I just want some fucking care and I want to be held. When I was in the ICU last time I had nurses constantly check on me and ppl come talk to me. A part of me lives in a hospital, because that is all I have really known. Do I want to kill myself? Or do I miss being cared about? If I attempt suicide and it fails, than I go to the ICU or hospital. If I attempt suicide and succeed, than I get the added bonus if dying I suppose. I have 3 different methods I could use and it is crazy how easy they are. And how accessable they are. I am obviously not going to share them but 1 will be painless while the other two may because ouchies. I do not really care though because once I am dead, I am dead. Who cares if it hurt lmfao.All I need to do is walk across my room. I am tired and numb and just need change or an escape. I am so fucking lonely and just want a friend that I will not burden or I will not be afraid of rejection. I want more friends that also are not white so I do not have to put up with racist shit and accept it as a fucked up norm. I want friends who understand how fucking awful racism feels and how much it affects you down to your core. I want connection, I want love, I need attention and care. But I do not have any way if getting that and I feel so alone and depressed. I do not know if it is that I want to actively kill myself or I just need something to change. Maybe a bit of both. I am feeling too many emotions but also struggling with an empty, drowning depression. I am on the verge of suicide.",Suicidal +12885,I am just tired. I do not want to do anything. I am tired of living. I am too tired to do anything. I am tired.,Depression +12886,"I am so sick of feeling like this. Why cannot I get myself to commit suicide? It would be so much easier if I knew no one would miss me I just want to stop hurting without hurting anyone else, I just want a hug Loneliness is so soul crushing",Suicidal +12887,"I had a plan, a date, and a note typed up. Me and my family are moving across the country, and I was not looking forward to it. My family are overbearing, and there is not a lot going for me in the other state. That, and the person I am going to be living with, my older brother, is not very nice to me.So while we were packing, I decided that I would take matters into my own hands and end my life. However, I wanted to do it after my psych appointment, because I figured if there is anyone who can stop me, it is her.So I go in, I tell her what is going on, and she gives me two options. I either call my parents and have them come pick me up, or I go to the hospital in an ambulance. I chose the former, and my Dad came in. He spoke to me in ways I could not understand. He told me that he gave me words of encouragement, but I cannot remember any of them. My psych told him I must be dissociating through all of the positive stuff (in context, I have a dissociative disorder), so I forgot about things five seconds after he told them to me. it is like my body naturally does not process any positive thing any one says or does, and any that do my body seems to interpret as a sexual stimulant, and my body reacts accordingly.He told me he worried that something bad was going to happen to me all the time since I was a baby,, and continued to feel that way into my adulthood, even to this day. Then he tells me that he made me a sheltered kid, and that doing so hurt me more than anything he is ever done, and I do not know the world and how it works, and probably why I am who I am today. Someone who does not seem to hold life in such a regard and is just a brainless tool that goes with the flow and does whatever everyone else wants him to.it is been like two days since that. I still want to die, and my brain will always try to find a way I can off myself. I am hanging in there, but barely. I tried to take my own life the other day.",Suicidal +12888,"Had so much access to friends, different types of people, educational opportunities, and extracurriculars that are all gone now. I rarely talk to anyone from High School and I work the same terrible Job everyday. I work with idiots, do not learn anything new at work, and do not do anything fun outside of work. Why should I keep living this depressing life? you are going to tell me to do so so that you guys can benefit economically for my existence. I am 24 and I am still depressed that High School is Over!",Suicidal +12889,"Yesterday was worse than usual. I could not stop crying all day and I cut myself a couple times. I cannot stop thinking about how useless I am and how I am a fucking freak for having these thoughts. I feel fine now, but everyday Is just me waiting for this wave to hit me again. Sometimes I have hope, but I know it will just end. I do not know",Depression +12890,Yesterday I was beaming with happiness after receiving a job offer in my field. Today my job offer was rescinded after they unexpectedly changed my work hours (which I am not available for). And I received my 2nd dental school rejection today after spending $5000 on my application.I try to stay hopeful but everything just goes south. Its like life is teasing me with good things and then snatching them away from me. I cannot get a job and I will not be a dentist which was the only hope I ever had in life. What am I even living for? is not it better to just end it instead of continuously being tortured? I try to stay hopeful but everything is going wrong,Suicidal +12891,No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax This will not hurt. I relate more every day.,Depression +12892,"TW: toxic family, self-harmIts ironic, really. I was spoiled as the youngest for far too long. I did not understand what made me so special. I did not understand why I was belittled and given the dirtiest chores. But they did. Before I knew it, I had taken the role of the oldest. The maid.My oldest sister is in her early twenties, yet she acts more my age than me. I raised our family pet alone. I take care of our ill parents, cook them meals, massage them, listen to their work stories because nobody else wanted to. I am exhausted. I am sick, too. But not in the way that is valid. I went as far as slitting my wrists and shoving it in their face, only to get a lecture on how much I make their lives a living hell. Maybe if I show them how much I am really hurting, they will let me rest for a bit. Confessions of a Slave",Suicidal +12893,"I feel like shit, frustrated, and fucking tired of my past when I was abused and picked on, parents refuse to acknowledge that though, so tired, shit. cannot tell if I took my meds or not",Depression +12894,"As a kid, I wanted to be this amazing person. This strong and healthy person who is well respected by everyone. As I kept growing and seeing this shitty reality, those dreams were completely fucking wiped out by the shitty media, shitty people, disturbing ass news, depression, anxiety. As of right now my life is completely entirely fucked, I feel like there is no entry out of this gaping hole that seems to keep growing. No one absolutely feels my severe pain so that is why I did not tell anyone about it for a very long time. People always told me keep your head up or some bullshit like oh its going to be okay. The more you keep saying that, the more you are feeding into my deep intention of hanging myself and that is when everything is finally okay because you do not have to deal with one rotten person who has living in this hell called Earth. I felt like its time to say it due to keeping this quiet for half of my life. I just graduated high school and going into college, I seriously will not make it past this point. I am going to die very soon. Is there even a chance in this world anymore? Apparently not.",Suicidal +12895,"i am so tired of existing only for others happiness. i often wish nobody cared about me, no family or friends, so i could just do it. I am 17, and I am looking to kill myself when both my parents die. so what??? how fucking long do i have to live in my mind, lonely and scared and broken? 30, 40 years??? i wish i would just die accidentally. when I am 18, I am going to get a job at a gas station in a shitty area doing graveyard shift and wait for someone to rob me. I will try to get them to kill me. I will get framed as a victim, and my family and friends will not have to be ashamed or feel guilty. i love everyone so much, and i fucking hate to hurt anybody, but i cannot do this anymore. I am weak, i was not meant for this world. I have been struggling pretty much everyday since i was 11 trying not to kill myself. just wish i could die",Suicidal +12896,"what is the point on life, right? I am a horrible sibling, child, and friend. I constantly am mean to people even by accident. Maybe I am just the worst person in the world. Maybe I should just kill myself",Depression +12897,"I have always been anxiety reminder and depressed as long as I can remember. I am on the autism spectrum, and I do not fit in with people or society. I do not really even consider myself human at this point.I just turned 21 three days ago, and by now, its all turned to resentment.I resent being born and forced to exist without my consent. I resent being conditioned to not kill myself and just suffer through the pain for all my life.I am not happy, I positive I never will be truly happy. I want to be free. And I cannot do that here. Not in this world and not with this brain. Death is the answer as far as I am concerned.I am strongly considering getting a handgun. I have written notes. I have researched the methods. Fuck all this. I oughta fuckin do it.",Suicidal +12898,"I am so sorry she went through what she did. I was I could just give her a hug. So many people failed her, did not protect her when they had an obligation to. How do you forgive those people for hurting an innocent child My inner child is so hurt",Depression +12899,When my mother shat me out I wish she would have thrown me down a long flight of stairs I wish she would have bashed my head in with a brick. My whole life I have felt like I do not belong on earth I have allways gotten bad grades I hate work I have never had a gf and if I had the option to relive my life I would not. If you knew what I have been through holy shit if you knew what I have been through. I should have been aborted.,Suicidal +12900,Life just is not for some of us Fml,Depression +12901,"Made a post here 10 months ago now (kind of crazy) about feeling suicidal or whatever. I ended up staying at a ward for a bit and for like 7 months I was doing pretty good, managed to make it through high school and had a lot of personal achievements. But not only has it all amounted to nothing, but I am in an even worse position than beforeAt least before, if I had killed myself, it would not have mattered because there was not much at stake. But now there is a few people in my life that I know would be devastated and my family would suffer a lot financially. I just want to die, I have finally learned that it never gets better and this is going to be the rest of my life until I finally kill myself, and honestly I just want to get it over withI do not want to spend thousands of dollars to simply attempt to get better just to fall back down again. it is all so fucking pointless, maybe some people are not destined to live fulfilling lives It literally never ends",Suicidal +12902,"So I have been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for a couple years now after my partner and I losing a baby. Because of that, the relationship ship ended and I have been grieving since then. I (28m) know this makes it difficult to connect with new relationships over the past three years since. Tho, I have never really gone crazy over someone till now. We have been talking on and off for longer than six months and I think I am past the infatuation stage. The connection I feel is deeper than physical despite her being super hot. We do live a distance apart but I am willing and able to move. I do not know whether she likes me back and she is hiding it because of my baggage or some other reason, or whether I am just friend zoned which seems to be my common problem. she is just been incredibly supportive over the past six months in my journey as a friend, I had hoped these feelings would go away but they have not and it is getting to the point where I need to either cut off the friendship which will be challenging for me because I have few supports in my life. Or I have to find a way to deal with these feelings that are intertwined now with my suicidal thoughts and depression which makes it hard to deal with.How do I deal with the feelings since they do not seem to fit in my box that I bottle everything up in and deal with later, without making my current feelings of unworthiness and lack of hope worse? do not know what to do with these feelings",Depression +12903,Just took around 20 zanaflex and 20 seroquel pills. I am sorry everyone. I tried to make it. I have overdosed and scared.,Suicidal +12904,"He has depression (now relapsing despite of taking meds) and OCD (scared of contracting ANY disease, constantly washing hands, using sanitizer etc). I am bipolar II, taking meds, also relapsing (mixed episode, feel like dying rn). Cherry on the cake - we are broke and neither of us can afford a therapist. we are barely able to buy our meds, even though we both working (at least try to, bc it is so damn hard rn due to our condition).Idk what to do. I feel like we are both drowning and noone of us can swim. We both want to keep this relationship (been together abt a year). Is there any hope? How to handle the relationship when you are both depressed?",Depression +12905,"Fresh from looking at at a thread that was on the front page of the body of a women who committed suicide in a bathtub full of water. There were twenty pictures and the first one was bad enough that I did not look at the rest (except for the last one, which I covered the screen up and scrolled to the last one). The picture, implications, thoughts and comments have screwed with my state of mind, but has not become a deterrent. Just ended up causing a current breakdown, particularly after seeing other posts that hit off other triggers.I might be selfish for wishing others did not go through crap, but guess this world just has to suck for too many people. Seeing the aftermath (kind of) of completion...",Suicidal +12906,"I had some friends in high school. I had some friends in college. I always thought these ""friends"" should initiate contact first. But they did not. After getting tired of seeing the same faces over and over again I deleted them out of spite. But that was maybe a year or two ago. What ""friends"" i have now are people I have fallen out of touch with or who live somewhere else or have moved up to the next stage of life.Now I do not have any friends, and it is all my fault. I contemplate suicide daily and wonder who would give a an eff if I just disappeared tomorrow, just as people disappear from our minds as we fall out of touch with them. People never called me on the telephone anyway, not since the 00's when I was growing up. I guess I am just a useless piece of garbage. I am all alone. I am a she will of the person I used to be",Depression +12907,"I do not even know what to feel or do anything. I am exhausted.2021has been a bleepshow of a year. In the last 4 months alonemy dog died suddenly from cancer, I got diagnosed with diabetes, my best friend has been in the ICU and hospital, I have been in the ICU.Tomorrow is my birthday but it just reminds me of my friend who died at 22 (because I am turning 23)Ontop of having a very significant relapse in depression that I feel like I cannot even talk to my therapist about because she is stick me in the hospital.I am. So. Tired. I am EXHAUSTED",Depression +12908,"i have not been genuinely happy in too long, every day feels empty and sad. i cry myself to sleep constantly, i just want to die, to stop the pain. I am hurting so much please let me die, my friends will not let me die even though its what i want the most. i feel like I am a mistake, i want to die, i want to finally find peace, to stop the pain",Suicidal +12909,"that is it that is the post. Please pray to whatever gods you guys worship for this feeling to fuck off, pls Thinking about myself makes me want to sewerslide",Suicidal +12910,"- My health- My body- Studying- Hygiene- Dating- Sex- Drugs & alcohol - Sleep schedules- What I am having for lunch- The fact that my cousin is getting married- Drama, rumors- Money and success- Being a good friend and family member- Other people- Me-",Depression +12911,I am done I quit,Suicidal +12912,No body wants to be my friend Everyone acts like I do not exist,Depression +12913,"Think about it, assisted suicide is practiced in some areas for physical pain. And as I learn more about mental health, it is a fact that emotional pain can be felt at the same degree as physical pain. So does not it just make sense to give us mentally disturbed folks that relief too?And what are we to say to the people who have kept pushing and pushing through the pain for years, some their whole life. What do we say to them? ""It gets better"" is a laughable response at that point. ""I am sorry"" does not solve anything. For many of us, suicide is not an emotional response, it is a logical one. In my opinion, there is a point where suicide just makes sense",Suicidal +12914,Has anyone every felt like hurting themselves but does not have the guts to do it? I feel like I am drowning everyday in my depression and sometimes I think about what if I did this to myself or this Depression,Suicidal +12915,"First time I learned that seatbelts are not meant for people like me was when I was about 12. My mom would yell at me to put it on in the car and Id ask her what the point was in trying to prevent myself from dying when dying is the only thing I actually want. Now I am 23, still do not understand why the hell id ever wear a seatbelt. Sometimes I wear one because I know somebody that is paralyzed from a car accident and the only thing worse than being alive would be being alive and paralyzed. But the whole idea of a seat belt is crazy to me. I cannot believe most humans walk around with survival instincts and genuinely wanting to keep themselves alive. I feel kind of bad for them in a way. They actually think life is worth something. Seatbelts",Suicidal +12916,"My mental health has made me so scared of myself - I do not want to be me. I do not know how to describe it, but my depression really overrides my body and mind and I, like a robot just follow it. My bedroom had gotten really messy so a few days ago I built up the courage to finally try to clean it. I knew I did not want to do it and the fact I even did made me feel odd. As if I was shocked I got out of bed. So I am cleaning and doing pretty good and all of a sudden my brain was like nope I really cannot do this anymore and I just shut off my bedroom lights and went to bed and I had never just said fuck it like that before. Since may I have been getting really in to spirituality and focusing on myself and connecting with the world. Yes it made me feel amazing. I really feel I transformed. Except as of lately I am going back to old habits I finally stopped during that time. I become a bitch to everyone, I have attitude for no reason. No but the worst part is the worthlessness I feel. From age 11-22 I do not think I have ever not had suicidal thoughts. Well in May-July I really was so high on spirituality and accepting the world around me. I honestly did not have bad thoughts come in to my head. But as of this week I am back to the same shit. I cannot get the imagine of cutting out of my head. Or other methods (I have always imaged a rope or g*n but know I would not use one method and I could never buy the other). And at this point it does not feel depressing it feels annoying. Like my depression is taunting me like hey do not you still want to do this. And the answer is yes. I have derealization issues, I have self worth issues. I have a hard time accepting I am alive and its just a lot to deal with. Before May when I had these thoughts I believed them. I still believe them but this time I know its more a mental illness and not my souls desire if that makes sense. Like a heart attack is the hearts issue but the heart did not do it on purpose its just an inconvenience. I do not know if that makes any sense but basically I do not want to be a human anymore I do not want to daydream violent things, while also struggling to accept I live in reality while also trying to be hopeful its all too much Becoming self aware",Suicidal +12917,"I do not have anything to say, I just feel empty. I have realize that I am the problem and I do not want to deal with me anymore. I push everyone away, and I always feel alone. The thought of dead is always in my mind, and its been there for many years. The only thing is that before I used to think that I did not have what it takes to just end it, but lately I have been feeling more capable of doing it of just end it. I do not have anything to say",Depression +12918,"All week I have been having anxiety attacks. Never got them before, what do I do? Anxiety attacks.",Depression +12919,Maybe it is awful but I cannot help myself from hating them for it. I want someone to actually love me and make me not feel as empty or hurt or insecure anymore. I want a job that I do not constantly fantasy ending my life at by tying myself to the roof. I want to go to school and learn shit instead of being a waste. But I cannot. All I can do is look at everyone around me and hate them for it. Maybe I should burn myself alive tomorrow. it would probably get my point across and I would be dead quickly anyway. Though maybe an easy method would be best so I cannot be stopped. As long as everyone gets the fucking message. I do not have to live for anyone. If my life is not worth it then go fuck yourself for saying I have to endure to not push it onto others. The amount I have carried already for everyone else is too much. I think the worst is seeing what you wished your life has been and seeing others have it.,Suicidal +12920,Need to hear from someone in the same situation. I (M28) am pursuing a career (in healthcare) where I feel I would immediately be removed and lose everything if I was open with someone about the thoughts going through my head. I know a few of my colleagues who feel similarly. Its agony. cannot be open about the thoughts going through my head,Depression +12921,Lately I have been struggling and feeling depressed about my identity. I am also extremely stressed. I feel trapped in the person people know me to be. I do not even like stuff I used to or have the same exact personality. My friends talk to me and its feels like they see me as someone that I know is longer there. I do not know how to live my life the way I want and be who I really want to be from now on. Any advices ? I do not want to be me,Depression +12922,"any tips to get through the day? Or to help feel motivated? I am feeling so depressed but I have to go to work if I want to pay my bills and eat lolll. I just want to stay home in bed, but I know I need to go. working while having depression",Depression +12923,"I just turned 28, procrastinated on joining the 27 club, I know. Today was remotely fun, spent it with my brother and parents. However despite doing what I wanted to do, I vehemently tried to outdo my last birthday to spite my now ex fiance. Yet I now sit all alone, listening to music, crying silently and contemplating killing myself.Last year everything was wonderful. Had many friends, my own place, a great paying job, and a wonderful girlfriend. It seemed like I was on top of the world. For once, my depression seemed nonexistent, and life was my bitch.Its been 4 months since my fiance left me, I lost my house, job, friends, and any shred of self esteem or hope I had. I cannot afford counseling, I refuse medication because of awful side effects, my familys expressed they are sick and tired of hearing my complaining, I feel trapped. I genuinely believe death is my last resort to finding peace. Its getting hard to type. I am shaking, sobbing and its hard to see amidst my tears Birthdays almost over and I am back to my suicidal mindset",Suicidal +12924,I feel like I am going to cry but I cannot Can anyone talk to me?,Suicidal +12925,"lost a beautiful bubbly 31 year old friend toAddiction today and I am so lost , I wish she could have gotten some help we all wanted so much for her ... lost someone today ..",Depression +12926,Nothing else is happening to occupy myself so I am just dominated by all my bad thoughts and feelings I hate night,Depression +12927,"I notice its very therapeutic when I tell people about my depression instead of fake ""I am fine"". My extended family or friends do not know. Do you tell people? Do you tell other people about your depression?",Depression +12928,"People talk about life having meaning as a wonderful thing, but I see it as an idiotic concept that is perpetuated by the most idiotic and unaware people. These people cannot get around the fact that life has no meaning, so they not only feel like they have to lie to themselves, but also lie to everyone else in order to make them believe their absurdity so they will verify their own views on human existence.The ideologies that center around human life having cosmic meaning are built on lies upon lies. Meaning is not brought upon a person the moment they are born, unlike what some people might want you to believe. The moment you are born, your life has just as much meaning as a rock or a pile of dirt, because everything in the universe is just piles of matter from the moment they come into existence to the moment they are destroyed.Consciousness is the only difference between living matter and inanimate matter. But being conscious does not change the fact that our existence is meaningless, it only means that we have the ability to comprehend our meaningless existence.All of our abilities, accomplishments, goals, and dreams do not change the fact that our lives are meaningless. It does not matter what we do with our lives to try and prove our worth as humans, none of that causes our existence to have meaning. We could invent lightspeed space travel, immortality, or even time travel and that still will not make us anything more than meaningless creatures that have accomplished extraordinary things.No matter how it makes us feel, humans, along with all other living creatures, are just things - things that just so happen to be conscious, but things none the less; and no matter how hard we try to not think about it, this is a fact of life that cannot be changed with lies and idealistic thinking. Life having meaning is a horrible lie",Suicidal +12929,"I recently got my dream job, I have a lovely husband, my family loves me, I am finally making enough money to have a good life and yet I feel as all the time.I go out alone to drink and feel so lonely. I am unable to make friends and feel so alone.I thought about getting therapy but I am afraid the person will not understand me and I do not want to take meds. My mother has mental health problem and her meds make her so drousy and fog minded...Sorry for the rambling Why do I feel like this?",Depression +12930,"Am I depressed if I feel really lonely all the time? I am just not sure. I do not get out much being a stay at home mom, trying to keep distance from others for the sake of my son's health as he is too young to get vaccinated. When my husband is not working that is all he wants to do is play games. I know I signed up to be a gamers wife and it usually does not bother me but I just feel so alone. Yeah I am with my son 24/7 but he is a yr old. I have never really had friends to talk to, the only ones I have really clicked with moved away. I am 1500 miles from my entire family so I really have no one besides my husband and kid. I just cannot help but feel lonely, does that make me depressed? Is that just the circumstances? I do not know. I just know I feel alone. Am I?",Depression +12931,"I hate the person I have turned into. I am constantly in bad mood and whenever something triggers me i will throw stuffs and destroy things. I cut myself too much that my arm always have marks on it. Whenever I meet someone I will act like my life is good and I am a happy person but most of the time I am not. The thought of talking to a therapist and have to tell them about everything I went through makes me terrified. I do not want to talk about it, I do not want to think about it. I am an introvert and my friends do not care about me much because they are having bf/gf now. I am living really far away from my mom and I just cannot come home due to COVID, and I cannot tell her how I actually feel. I have been pushing everyone away and this is my consequences. I just want to end this pain. I want to believe in God but why is my life so hard.. I feel disconnected to God (Hes the only one I can rely on right now) and I feel like there is no one left for me.. Why am i not making any progress?",Depression +12932,Now I just wish I had a shoulder to cry into. To hold someone is hand or have someone hug me. I do not even care if they only see me as income and not a real human. I am just tired of holding my own hand as I fade into sleep. I can pretend they care. First time I heard that there were people who pay people to cuddle with them because they are so lonely I laughed.,Depression +12933,"Joined a few months ago but this is my first post. I (26f) was diagnosed with clinical depression over 10 years ago and within this past year that diagnosis has changed to severe clinical depression + generalized anxiety disorder. Admittedly, I do not offer up this information freely aside from close friends and family not out of shame, more so hoping not to have triggering conversations in social/family situations. Anyway, growing up in an emotionally void and abusive household I have become such a people pleaser Ill often offer every ounce of my time, money, energy, resources etc. to those who need it which I have realized subconsciously I have been programmed to believe is the only way to receive love. These past two years have been so hard. Depression broke apart my engagement, lost me my dream job, and I have disconnected with essentially all of my friends because I am just too exhausted to reply or leave home outside of necessity. This week I began to take baby steps toward feeling better including opening up to my loved ones, starting therapy, and medication. Next was my financial situation which I have ignored (this was quite scary) but I knew I had to start facing things scared or not. My absolute closest friend had been trying to plan a trip across the country that I would love to love to attend but truthfully, was so daunting as the date neared closer. Finally today I faced this pile of bills and realized there was no way I could attend this extravagant trip and rationally spend $1500 or so for it (we had not booked flights yet which were $500 alone). I knew I had to have a really difficult conversation and finally today I did. As raw and honest as possible about the reasons Id not known this sooner and how I could not bare the thought of them being upset with me over it. I apologized profusely as this is a result of my own actions. They are upset, not necessarily at me directly but says they just want to make alternate plans with their bf. I am so relieved to not worry about this trip anymore, but now I worry my negligence toward myself has really lost me another friend now. Put myself first for once. Feel extremely guilty",Depression +12934,"this year i started anti depressants. i lost all my friends, I am now really self destructive, i failed half my classes, i feel like a burden, i cannot stand the thought of going back to school. its like a huge weight on my shoulders and i do not know how to lift it. I have been struggling for a few years now, and i have only really contemplated suicide once, but i have never attempted. i have never been so close to doing it. i have no hope for my future. i treated everyone so terribly. i took out my anger on everyone i loved. i said too much to ever take it back. i feel like i can never be forgiven. i do not know what to do anymore. i just want to give up. someone please help me. i am losing all hope .",Suicidal +12935,"I feel empty. Nothing is worth the energy and I have completely lost interest in socializing with people. My parents are constantly riding me about making friends and getting out of the house but I really just do not want to. I just want to sleep all day and never wake up. My body will not even let me do that so I am just reliving the same day over and over again and its breaking me slowly. I just want to go because this is not worth it, nothing is. Never ending",Depression +12936,I do not want to die but I do not want to keep living this shitty life and i feel like I cannot change my circumstances for 5+ years. I do not think Ill make it. Stuck,Suicidal +12937,I do not know how much more I can live like this but if I were to explain it I have thick chains wrapped around my limbs and other people can control it. Exept me. I want to take a fucking gun and leave it firing on me. Jesus Christ I do not even know why I am posting this but fuck it what should I do I do not understand what is happening and I feel I need to kill myself very soon,Suicidal +12938,"I am mentally drained, I am disturbed, and I am exhausted. I am on my hands and knees begging the universe for just a break. I just want some rest. Please stop for just a moment so I can rest. Please please please I am really really tired",Suicidal +12939,"Friendships are so fickled, relationships are so fickled, even family is so fucking fickled. In these 18 yrs of suffering I have learned this lesson, people do not care, they will pretend to care for awhile maybe, but their long term actions are more telling. I am tired of being used and then discarded, but then when I feeling depressed or suicidal I suddenly become a burden, suddenly everyone is show shocked?? Like they have not been treating me like pure fucking crap which resulted in me feeling this way. All people do is take & discard you.",Depression +12940,"The job search, working, interviewing, sharing too much. Not preparing well enough. Feeling desperate and not being able to conceal it. I know I am worthless, went do I have to go through this process that just emphasizes it?And do not give me that bullshit that no one is worthless, because yes, the world is mostly filled with worthless people.I have gone back to school twice.I have been through therapy.And I have nothing to show for it.And I simply do not want to do something I am just going to fail at because I always do.My wife is going through a hard time too, but I just do not want to deal with it anymore.I wish I had a significant amount of money. So I could just buy a small studio somewhere, work a phone center job and wait to die.But I am ""over qualified fort phone center jobs"".So whatever I guess, this existence cannot end fast enough. I just do not want to do it anymore",Suicidal +12941,feel like i do not deserve anything good. things like sleep or food. anyone else? feel like i do not deserve..,Depression +12942,What are they going to do to help me? I am not some guy standing on the ledge of a building waiting for them to bring the trampoline and the megaphone out. I do not want to be thrown into a ward. what is the point to calling 911 or heading to the ER? Why would I call 911 or go to the ER?,Suicidal +12943,"I hear they are hyper-addictive and have brutal withdrawals. I have an awful memory and I do not want to take anti-depressants because I am afraid I will forget one day and have everything not only reset, but then I will be a depressed wreck. I cannot be so sad I am non-functional, my mother would hate me and God knows what kind of shit she will do to make me feel even worse. Scared to take anti-depressants",Depression +12944,"Never thought I would post here but I am just at that point. there is a hollowness in my chest that aches with resignation. I feel like I have done everything to try to stay alive, to make it another year. I have tried most everything to keep the spark of life glowing. I just do not have the energy anymore. I honestly feel like my family and friends would be better off without me. I am way too sensitive for this world and I feel like such a burden. I do not have the heart to tell anyone that I am on my way out. Everyone is going through shit and I do not want to add to it. I also do not think that the people I have curated relationships with would care. I have the kind of relationships that if I am not the one to check in on them, we could go months without talking to each other. It sucks, but I always budge and reach out because who else can I talk to?I have not felt loved in a really long time, if ever. I do not know if I am capable to love or if I am someone that can be loved. I know that if I left, it would destroy my family financially, so I have managed to stay this long. I know I am being used. I have called it out so many times, I sound like a broken record. My familial situation is not something I can easily break out of, and even if I did...where would I go? I have no one. I am so fucking broken that I would not know how to create healthy relationships anymore. I do not have the heart to try.If you read this I am sorry to take up your time. I will keep trying, maybe, we will see. I do not want to die, but I also do not want to live anymore. Welp.",Suicidal +12945,"End Dgaf about life, me, or ppl",Suicidal +12946,My parents are terrible my friends are gone I am sore I am tired I cannot do this I am scared I took a bunch of pills and threw up I am fucking scared I just want to do it but I cannot I do not want to give up I just cannot deal with violent peers and my shitty parents I do not know I just need to get this out I am falling apart I am scared 16 is too young to die but I cannot keep doing this,Suicidal +12947,"Jokes on me used to be a happy and optimistic person but now i have though about suicide everyday for over a year and it is starting to sink in that i might actually do it. I promised myself that it was going to get better and that i was not going to hurt myself physically but my will is fading, another promise to myself will probably be broken. All my friends are already accomplished with jobs and several with masters while I am a NEET and leeching of my parents. I used to think depressed people were a joke",Depression +12948,I do not look forward to my future at all. I was not allowed to follow my dreams bc of controlling parents and now I am stuck pursuing a degree and wasting thousands of dollars on something I really do not care about. On top of that my dad is being a jerk and has been giving me the silent treatment for a week after we got into an argument. I have apologized multiple times but hes a very stubborn person and a narcissist and refuses to apologize to me or talk to me. All in all I am just really tired of everything. I have been wanting to selfHarm again. All I can do is sleep. I just need a break from life The future seems stupid,Suicidal +12949,"I feel so lost. I cannot respond healthily when someone asks me if I am okay. I go out of my way to avoid it.. the unbearable feeling of being a burden is always there. Just makes everything worse. I have not self harmed in almost two years.. I got out of a physically abusive relationship. I have moved on, found an amazing man that treats me with more love and respect than I have ever felt in my entire life.. found a decent job but still drowning in debt... I have filled my life with healthier people.. everything should be fine but I still feel so disgusting inside.. I do not want to feel this way.. I have made all the moves and nothing in my head changes for long.. I am still miserable and hiding it.. I feel as if I might relapse soon.. Self harm. Relapse.",Depression +12950,"I take 150mg of Sertraline, have a great psychiatrist, and I still want to leap off of this world; so much catastrophe everywhere, how can I even be okay with feeling safe when there is no safety left to be permanently had? My kids'd suffer worse than I am if I have them. Narcissists will thrive in the short-term and create a world even worse and more desolate than it needs to be. I want to fly into the earth until I meet it face-first... it cannot be worth inhaling everyone is air now when it will be a commodity for my friends' children in the future. I am a leech on something already dying and I will fall to my death no matter how long I survive. I really want to have a reason to live, if any of you can help me to figure it out... my death would hurt so many people but my agony is not going to be perpetually bearable and I do not want to make a bad situation worse than it is. If anything I want to be one less thing holding everyone else down and that is, at least, something which I could accomplish by hopping towards Her core. do not miss me, do not praise me, just use that one extra grain of rice to help YOU solve our world's problems. Please. Does anyone want to talk? Am I wrong? I am afraid and I do not want to feel like I have to do this. Beat wishes, Jo!t I cannot Escape My Fantasy Of Jumping To My Death",Suicidal +12951,"I cannot say that I am glad to see you, but we both knew this was going to happen eventually. My only request is that you do not demand too much of my attention. Just stay in the background if you want to. you are always welcome to leave though. Hello, old friend.",Depression +12952,"Hi, 34 m here. Posting this on my main because fuck it. This is who I am.I think I have been feeling this way for my entire life and, for a while, I was quite good at ignoring it. Alcohol also REALLY helped, but I successfully swore off that stuff two years ago and if I relapse and start boozing again I will be a lost because.They say drinking just makes your anxiety and depression worse. However, moving through life stone sober has just amplified my constant fear, hopelessness, self-doubt, and general apathy, and it getting worse. it is also incredibly boring. Although, I do not find any non drinking-related activities interesting, and even if I did, I would probably make an excuse not to participate. I do not find any activities interesting.I do not have any friends, I do not have any hobbies, and I do not have any interest in doing anything. I cannot even focus on things I enjoy, so what is the point? My mind is so muddled by fear and anxiety that If I have to do something, I just try to get it done as quickly as possible so I can go back to doing nothing. While I am doing it, I second guess myself the whole time and pretty convince myself that I cannot do it. One the task is over, I feel no relief; just disappointment and worry that I will probably have to do it all over soon after.I want to get better. I figured I would put this all out in writing tonight and then try to find a professional I can start seeing tomorrow.Wish me luck... I am going to get better",Depression +12953,"I hate being lonely all the time. I always hope someone will give a shit and talk to me but no one ever does. I keep getting told I have to meet people but how the fuck am I supposed to do that, especially nowadays. Everyone ik is slowly disappearing into their good jobs and S.O's while I am here bottom of the making no money and have been single and will be for the rest of my shitty existence. I cannot do things with people because I cannot afford it so I left in the dust forever. If I have to endure this alone why should I have to endure at all, I mean the people who would be hurt would just get over it, and they all have their superb lives to return to so it is only fair I get drop my garbage one I am alone and depressed and it is not going to ever change so fuck it why not just off myself",Suicidal +12954,But I have to. I honestly just want to die I do not think I have the strength. I work an overnight job 4 fucking nights a week. Been doing it for almost a year now. Asked my job if I could switch shifts with my lazy coworker who only works 3 nights and ofc my coworker says they cannot do the 4 night schedule. I would quit but I do not have faith I can do anything else. So fucking tired of not being valued. I cannot take it anymore. I just cannot. cannot deal with life and my job right now.,Depression +12955,"This is just a little story of an interaction I just had and it really helped me. I am struggling with a wave of depression again & was crying. I decided to go to the gas station for a pack of smokes. I made sure to fix my makeup & I did not think you could tell I had just been crying. The gas station attendant took one look at me and said, You do not look happy. what is wrong? I told him it had just been a long day. He told me a joke that made me laugh, I paid for my smokes and left. Once I was in my car he walked up to me with a bag of the little deserts they sell there and gave it to me. He told me that he hopes I feel better and to have a good night. Honestly, the pure sincerity from this complete stranger made me cry all over again. Like holy shit. He cares about someone he does not even know. In this moment of struggle it truly helped me. I hope he knows hes a good person. Caring Stranger",Depression +12956,and absolutely nothing can change that. I can try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and then do better. Sure. But the past cannot ever be changed and I cannot come to terms with the guilt. I am sorry to anyone I have ever hurt. I truly am. I am a harmful person,Suicidal +12957,"My depression is starting to bleed into every aspect of my life. I have been really good at keeping it hidden to the point that no one even knows I am struggling. I am extremely scared now because I have been getting worse and some of my friends are noticing. I do not know how to deal with what going through and am too scared to talk to anyone about it. I work at a church and I always have on this facade of being a really calm, put together person who can handle anything. I do not know what I am looking for here. I just do not know how to talk to anyone about what is going on with me and I do not even know if that is something I should do. I know this post probably is formatted weirdly is kind of jumbled. Sorry about that.. today is a really bad day and I do not have it in me to do anything correctly. I do not know what to do.",Depression +12958,"They have great intentions, nothing wrong with the people who say it, but this annoys hell out of me. I will never get better and we are not the same person, we will not have the same experiences. ""As someone who was depressed/suicidal before, trust me, it gets better""",Depression +12959,"I have struggled my entire life pushing through barrier, issues life problems some people would never experience in life. I have a health condition that requires medication to continue to live this life for the past 3 years i have not taken the medication although is no an instant death i probably have 3-5 years before my body will give up.I have spent along time coming to peace with my decision but how do i get other people (family and health professionals)see that this i what i want. My choice to except a short life over a long life",Suicidal +12960,"My psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar type 2 when I was 21 (I am 22 now). I was given anti-psychotics and anti-depressants to treat it.At that time, I was in the process of losing weight and I would hit 185lbs, which was nice for me because I finally felt good in my body as I was fat since I was 12 and the process of losing it felt like I was progressing towards good. The anti-psychotics stopped all that, and after two months I hit 235lbs before I would finally stopped taking them, and when I went off it, the anti-depressants disturbed my sleep more than usual, so I have stopped taking them as well.I feel utterly crushed now. This is the worst my weight has gotten. I got stretch-marks along my belly, which tells me that even if I lost all the weight I have gained, I will have loose skin. I was always the fat kid growing up, I always felt ugly and my parents enjoyed making fun of me for it, resulting in me being extremely self-conscious about my body.Now my body is ruined forever, and I can never have the body I have always wanted and tried to work for. And I guess I can get over it. I can, let us say, dedicate myself to something meaningful, finding someone who loves me regardless of what my body is, and so on and so forth, but I need the anti-psychotics and anti-depressants to ever be reliable in what I do, otherwise I enter depressive phases where I do nothing for weeks, making jobs unstable (I only last 2-3 months before I stop showing up), and doing extremely poorly in school to the point where now I am at the point where I am a semester away from either dropping out or being kicked out.I feel incredibly resentful about this and everything. I was doing better before I sought help, and now I feel like my life was destined for failure the whole time. I was given a mental illness I did not choose, given garbage parents who abused me physically and mentally growing up which ruined my childhood and adolescence, not only like that but they moved around so much I never had friends in middle school and high school. COVID has ruined college for me, and now when I seek help in adulthood in the way society has told me to seek help, I get my body ruined leaving me more broken than before.Now I see everyone around me doing better. My sister is getting married and moving on, all the people I knew growing up are doing better and moving on, and I am just a borderline NEET, soon to be a leech to everyone around me.there is no way to win. I was never helped, I was never loved, and now it feels like I will never be helped and loved. I do not even know if I can even feel love anymore, because I do not know what it is. I have been through depressive phases before but now it feels like hope is really lost.idk, I have fantasizing about taking all my money I have been saving for student loans and going somewhere beautiful, or waste it all on a bike trip across the country to somewhere beautiful, then ending it. I do not want to die having lived in my room and staring at a screen throughout all my adolescence and adulthood so far. Anti-psychotics ruined my fucking life.",Suicidal +12961,Then all it takes is one trigger for me to spiral back into suicidal ideation and its like all those days of somewhat normalcy are completely erased. what is the point of a couple of functional days when just one trigger is enough to completely ruin it all and make it look like it was just some sort of illusion? I hate how I can go a while feeling relatively decent and start believing that maybe things are getting a little better.,Depression +12962,"I am so frustrated. I am trying so hard. I am on 60mg of Prozac and 30mg of vyvance. I take my meds, I talk to my therapist, I get enough sleep, I get outside for sun + exercise every day. I take my vitamins and drink enough water and try to eat correctly. I have a myriad of intellectually and creatively stimulating hobbies that I try to spend some time on every day. I find projects, read, do courses, see friends and family. I am just so angry. How is it that I am trying so hard and still spent most of the day fantasizing about killing myself? When do I get to not feel like this? Its been a decade. I do not even know if I am a person anymore. I just cannot even remember the last time I was not sad",Depression +12963,"I have been struggling to enjoy anything for the last couple of months. I feel at my lowest lately, I lost all my confidence and i just want the days to pass as quickly as possible. I just want to sleep all day or pause life for a year. All of this is happening with me because of a toxic relationship. We ""ended"" things like a month ago, but it should have been more like a little break where we would work on ourselves. The problem is that we still hang out a lot, but I am the only one fixing the problems, trying to do better and changing things. She says that she has put enough effort in the relationship before and now it is only my turn to do that (I was not the only one being toxic,she was too; she thinks i was more toxic than her) I am trying everyday to fix things,but she disrespects me a lot, she plays me and puts me through a lot of shit that literally destroys my mental. I just cannot leave. I know it sounds easy,but i cannot do it. it is impossible. I do not have the strenght to do it,because i lost all my self esteem and i just feel stuck here, hanging on to the tiniest string that i can save the relationship. I feel so deppresed and unhappy and i do not want to live life anymore. I am not suicidal. I just wish i could fast forward my life. I cannot enjoy anything anymore",Depression +12964,"Nowadays, my friends, it is hard to find the warrior spirit anymore. People have forgotten. It is indeed too much to ask for a ""noble because"" to die for. We immerse ourselves in pleasures and delights that do not give us the long awaited glory. We have been enslaved, broken, bent. I do not want to die an old frail man into this absurd circus that the world has become. Me and a few left still have the old spirit. But to die at war nowadays is not what it once was. We die for politicians that do not care for us. For the rich. If it was for me, I would put them all to the sword. I want to die. But first, I need to achieve glory. But what is glory nowadays? What do we worship? What do we do when confronted by this question? Sex? Worthless temporary pleasure. Drinking and taking drugs? Temporary, again. What unites are an action? What is the utmost answer to these pathetic clowns that they throw at us? This day and age, I cannot die for my country as I do not believe in it nowadays, even if I do believe in our spirit. I will have to end it all in some years, before I reach full ""maturity"". I will die. I will die, indeed. I crave for death so much. But still. There are things to do, still, in this world. In order to achieve enough to be able to die. Glorious death in this day and age.",Suicidal +12965,"I am not even sure how to say this or what my thoughts are at this moment. I have always struggled with issues with anxiety. Suicidal thoughts have been present with me for quite some time as well. Family issues and as of right now primarily work have always been the driving issues for these. Although I am not in danger of making the permanent decision right now (to be honest I do not even think Id have the strength make a decision like that), after having a particularly shitty day, I wrote a suicide note. It was mostly to see what I would even say to my family if I were to do something like this. I want to get better. I want to not wake up filled with anxiety and depression and wishing it would all stop. Maybe one day I will, but tonight was a new low, and needed to share this with someone. Tonight I wrote a suicide note",Suicidal +12966,Obvious throwaway. I have just lived life just I do not know just living so that my little sister does not lose her older sibling. I had a family once. Two families united. It was not perfect but it was a family. My grandmother always hated me she would tell me that I was useless at the age of 8 and that i would grow up to be a fat and useless slob that would attain nothing in life. My father well he never really cared for me he would let his mother talk about me and say all of this to me. I am now known as the recluse of the family who is a failure. My father believes in many superstitious stuff. My parents were going to divorce when I was 13 it shattered my whole reality. I lost vision of what family even was. That was the day that i lost both sides of my family. My father brainwashed me by suggesting certain ideas to the point that i could envision them in my mind. He used me to get back with my mother. I ruined my mother and my sisters life for being weak. Years pass family still broken. Have been diagnosed with severe depression. Dad talks ill about my mother and accuses her of adultery with women. I try to defend her he believes nothing but the superstitious beliefs and advice that his family and peers offer. I have done nothing yet I have been beat physically and mentally. I am not even loving for myself. I do not know what to do anymore. I have always wanted to die since I was a child but I have held on long enough for my little sister. I cannot keep doing this. My mind is breaking. I feel myself slipping away. No one wanted me in this world not even my own family. My own father my own grandmother and the paternal side of the family. I was the oldest grandchild but i was always belittled so that the smaller boy could be seen as the prodigy. I was nothing. I am dirt. I am trash. I want to die I am so weak. My sister has tried to make me feel better for what I have attained in life. I did not attain it because I wanted to I only did it because it was expected of me. I do not know what I am doing with my life. I can envision no future. I am broken. No person will want me as their partner. I want to die. I need to die maybe that way i can free my family of the shackles of a useless parasite as my dad called me. I can tell my own mother dislikes me too deep down. Why would not she it is my fault my father is still in our life. He broke her too. She is beyond repair. I have doomed us all. Both sides of the family hate each other. Death threats have happened attempts at murder have happened. I do not think i deserve to live. Autism and severe depression are nothing but a joke in my father's and mother's eyes. I am meant to be normal like everyone else who is able to live life headstrong. I cannot take this anymore. I have never had anyone and i never will. So many thoughts so much i want to say nothing comes out. No one really cares. it is all a facade. Deep down we are all selfish. it is okay the weak like me are not meant to survive. I am weak. I am nothing. For anyone willing to read.,Depression +12967,"ok so absolutely tw for the usual stuff you see here jumping right into it I have just cut myself again cos i was thinking too much. i have super duper bad ptsd (diagnosed, not treated, was told there was nothing they could do) and i was being referred to the psych team but i just cancelled all their calls cos i had an episode and told them not to bother ringing me back so they have not (fair enough to them, my fault) but i literally despise myself for it. i know i cannot be helped but that was my chance and i blew it and now I am not going to get another one so what is the point? i think the blade i used was bad too, it was old and dirty and now the cuts burn like they are on fire but I am too tired to care. if they get infected, they get infected. whatever. i wish i was not crazy, I am 18 and it feels like my life is already over. if i had the energy to stand and go to my drawer i feel completely sure in saying i would kill myself right now. everything i say just goes to the void anyway. who knows if this post will still be here in five minutes. the only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that my mum is really ill with cancer and she needs me to give her the meds she takes tomorrow cos my dad is at work and he cannot do it anyway. who cares. its all getting a bit much",Suicidal +12968,"Is it normal for no one to initiate contact? No one usually checks in or says hello unless I start the conversation.Proof of my lack of worth, or overthinking and loneliness? Contact",Depression +12969,"I rather suffer thousands of times worse than only suffer a little and watch ungrateful assholes indulge in their wealth and things they do not deserve. Seriously, not that I believe that suffering for an eternity with no physical body is real, but I rather adapt to that shit than live here on Earth with a bunch of selfish self-entitled furless primitive apes. I am not trying to encourage anyone or anything, I know so many others have it far worse than me, but I am really tired of this shit. I am told things get better, but I have been depressed for years. At least there is equality in hell",Suicidal +12970,venting is impossible when your fingers are so heavy 30921i84593utioerwtpywre438957,Suicidal +12971,"I started in the morning but now I take it from about 10-11 pm. My mom said this was I do not digest the pill before the day is over and get depressed or something along those lines. I usually stay up until about 1 keeping my mind busy so I am not laying there depressed until about the same time. I was prescribed trazedone to be used as needed but it makes me very moody and weepy so I do not use it. I know going to bed earlier would be ideal but that does not often happen for me (plus I am 17 so even though its not good to do, what are the odds of me actually going to bed on time?). I want to talk to my mom about taking them at a different time, and taking them myself. (All meds are locked up currently). I was home alone for 2 weeks and skipped them for like 5 days cuz sometimes i get depressed so its hard to get the motivation to get up to take them. I kept them by my bed which fixed that but did not tell my mom because I do not want her to worry about me stashing them or anything. Idk sorry this is kind of all over the place.. I take Prozac at bedtime could this be making me depressed at night?",Depression +12972,"Idk I have been depressed for a long time, like I remember being depressed when I was 12 and I am 23 now. At one point I was really going to kill myself but now I think about suicide but I do not seriously want to kill myself anymore. The thing is though I often wish I would have when I actually had the motivation/will to do it. Ever regret not killing yourself",Depression +12973,"I cannot burden anyone in my life with the reality of how I am doing. I have before, and they do not help-- it hurts them, and they hurt me trying to make it better. If I cannot do this, I do not want anyone going 'well shit, she called me and I did not answer. This is somehow my fault. ' I do not have a lot of friends or much family but they are good people. I know that they love me but I cannot understand why. Feels like I fooled them into overlooking my flaws somehow. I have tried so hard to she would the 20 years of trauma, but I just do not think that is a doable thing. I did all the things I was supposed to do to feel better and I just do not. I am mentally ill. I have such a hard time admitting that, but even living the healthiest lifestyle possible, I am sad and crazy and scared and straight up not having a good time. My full symptoms are not relatable to many people, and it is hard to get people to understand how hard I am trying when I am coming up short. This is my declaration: I cannot do this anymore. Fuck everything I have been working towards. I feel like I am on fire. Just existing is a big ask right now, but I will try a little longer. Fuck it, right? I do not want my dad to cry. Fuck it",Suicidal +12974,"Sometime these symptoms this year hit me. I thought I would never be subjected to depression because I have never had it in my life, but that is clearly quite the contrary. I truly feel sorry for those who deal with it their entire life, it is so debilitating and can limit what someone is true potential is if not handled just right.A primary care provider (I do not usually stick with one because I barely used to go or I move) prescribed me ADHD meds - generic Ritalin and Adderall; they just made me feel like even more so of a zombie that 1) hated life and 2) had had energy for part of the day. Thankfully I was finally referred to a doctor with a psychiatric background that they are double booking to see me on Monday. I am so thankful he is doing that for me. And I am also thankful my state has allowed me to stay on state insurance while the pandemic goes on. Its ironic I barely utilized my insurance up until it is about to be cancelled once the state declares the pandemic is over (I graduated and got a job during the pandemic that makes a bit over the amount you are allowed to make and be disqualified for free state insurance). I hope it goes well and I get some better guidance to put me back on track.I know life can suck a ton and even finding a doctor can be a huge hassle, but it is worth it in the end. Connect with a doctor about your depression. Find your true self that is trapped within. Baby steps are still better than no steps. Treat yourself like a loved one - you deserve to be happy. Motivation disappeared, everything feels like a chore, gym progress sucks, tired, brain fog",Depression +12975,"After 6 1/2 months, I have realized something. My life is not worth living at all. Day after day it keeps getting worse. Some days I am like Oh I feel better than I did yesterday, and by the end of said day I would be depressed again. Never ending cycle. Earlier today, one of my friends too me to try to look at the positive side of things. As much as I appreciate her advice, I cannot do that at all. I have tried many times since last year and it failed. Every. Single. Time. This is my new life now. Depressed, lonely, and strict. I want to kill myself so badly but I am not going to because of the affects of it. But would that even matter? My friends would care for like a week then back to business as usual. Earlier this year I was also impersonated by one of my classmates friends behind my back. Do most people even respect me? I have not done anything to them and yet I get treated poorly sometimes. Earlier this year as well, two of my friends also basically ditch me and some other friends. they have started to distance themselves from us and we still do not know why they did that. After. 5. Months. Now. I want all of us to be together again. If we were, I would at least be slightly happier about my life. I remember everyone was saying that 2021 was going to be better than 2020. In my case at least, it definitely has not. Not to mention school in general. 7th Grade is the reason why right now today, I am feel depressed and ready to call it quits. If I was not such a total idiot back in 2020, things could of possibly turned out differently in my life. Being a stupid introvert, its hard to express myself without either being flustered or nervous. Answering a simple question in school? I turn red. When I DM someone a message, I always turn off my device or look away because I am worried what they will say. Even with the simplest things on the planet. Why do I deserve this? Why does everyone else who has depression deserve this treatment? Why were we created to sometimes act like this? Suffering for almost a year is the new dark era of my life. And I am not where near done with it. At. All. I hate 2021 so much.",Suicidal +12976,"Hi, I have struggled with major depression through my life, it has been complex and I have been hospitalised a few times in the past. In general I am happy with the medical treatment I have had and how well I have done to manage my health, but I will always have depression, it is not going away.Right now I am really struggling with tasks. I am an adult child carer for a disabled pareny and life will not stop just because I am struggling. I just really need to smash through these tasks on my list and get them done, on top of dealing with the daily issues that seem to constantly come up. These are longstanding tasks and I know that once I get them done I will feel that there is a weight off my shoulders.I often need to drop everything at no notice to attend to my parents needs, because if I do not the situation will explode into a meltdown. But after I deal with parent's issue whatever it may be, I feel so drained.I struggle to concentrate and focus on what I need to get done, and on my motivations for doing it, feel overwhelmed with apathy.How do you pace yourself and keep making yourself perform to productively achieve work tasks on your to do list, at times when you are struggling but things just need to get done? I am feeling so frustrated.Cheers Seeking productivity tips - dealing with poor concentration and motivation",Depression +12977,So I will train.I will make my body physically fit.I will make my mind as sharp as possible.I will become as competent as this body will allow so not caring about my instabilities could become an issue/inconvenience for them or others.that is the only way to be certain anyone will actually give a fuck about what I am feeling. Nobody cares about how you feel until it is worth caring. The only way to know for certain that someone cares is if not caring could because serious issues for them or others.,Depression +12978,"Can we just acknowledge that even when our brain wants us to die, or feeling like a complete shit jello, we are still alive right now?Existing is really hard. It does not look much to anybody else, maybe we are just in bed all day, but we are continuously battling this invinsible monster. The fact that we are alive is due to all our effort that is put into existing or trying to get better, it is a lot.Despite your brain telling you that you are worse than the scummiest scum. I hope that you can take some time to thank your brain for the compliment and be a bit kinder to yourself today. You all are so strong",Depression +12979,"there is no help for abused undocumented minors in the US. If I report the abuse I get deported or end up in ICE detention. I even tried calling an immigration lawyer and asking if there was any way to report it without getting deported and they said there is nothing they can do. I cannot run away because I have nowhere to go and it is not safe out there for teenage girls. there is nothing I can do but kill myself and I am so angry I have been forced into this. I do not want to die, but I cannot keep getting raped and beaten, and I cannot get deported either, so this is the only way out. there is no way to escape the abuse except to die.",Suicidal +12980,Does anyone else see people dying young from overdoses or in accidents and thinkdamI wish that was me? I envy the dead,Suicidal +12981,i fucking hate my father fuck you dad,Suicidal +12982,"Often when I look up the symptoms of depression I see ""loosing intrest in things that previously brought joy"" as one of them. I cannot relate to this symptom. I have suffered with depression for so long that I cannot rember anything making me happy.I began to get depressed around middle school, I am 20 now. that is 10 years of severe depression. Those 10 years are a person's most important and formational ones. My depression robbed me of all of it. I cannot imagine what life is like without depression. At one point I even thought I had died and gone to hell because I was so miserable.I just wish I could have some happy memories but even in my happiest ones all I remember is a neutral and empty feeling. Is there anyone else who feels like they have lost themselves to this disease or am I being melodramatic. Everything warped by depression",Depression +12983,"I am 19. I usually do not tell my life stories on here bc I know no one will care.But growing up I basically lived in fear of either getting whooped or getting yelled at for not getting perfect grades in school. My dad would only be happy with me if I came back home with good grades. Otherwise he basically disliked me and told me to work harder. This turned me into a perfectionist who absolutely cannot stand criticism. It does not matter if 1,000 people like what I am doing. If one dislikes it, it takes a massive toll on my confidence because it was not a perfect turnoutI have anxiety. I dislike talking. I feel I am doing everything wrong. My friends do not support me. I have no confidence. Idk what I am doingTheres too much stress on my mind and I never like talking about it to people bc I know they will not care. Crying is for women is what my mom said to me when my dad was yelling at me and I started crying. Three years have passed since she said that and I have not cried since, even after my dad passed recently. I hate talking about these things to people but I decided to share this to you guys only since no one knows me on here I hold all of my stresses in which places me into mania. I do not want to talk about them to other people in person bc I do not want to get my feelings invalidated for the 100th time in a rowMy confidence is non existent and today is one of my lowest days. I always worry in the future if I will ever get a job because I am stuck on which major I should pursue in collegeIve watched millions of videos on how to get my confidence up and zero have worked. I try really hard. I want to die How will I ever get my confidence up",Depression +12984,"I am an 18 year old with a skin condition that is progressive and has no cure. It has resulted in me being housebound 24/7/365 and in constant pain. I will have to live like this until I die and it will only get a lot lot worse later in life. I will not be able to have a life and do the things one normally has the ability to do like enjoy my hobbies, go to school, start a career, make friends, find a partner, and have kids. I will be stuck in my bed in pain for the next 50-70 years rotting away. Unfortunately, this condition does not result in death which means its not eligible for euthanasia. But I feel like if my life has deteriorated this much, I should have the right to end my life peacefully. If I cannot end up finding a state/country that will give me the right to euthanasia, I feel I will end up just ending my life through some risky method like jumping in front of train or drowning. My family do not agree with me ending my life and would rather see me in pain I guess. Am I being selfish by considering ending my life which would hurt my family? Should I have the right to euthanasia? I am just bit tired of living my life like this and do not really see how I can live the life I have lived another 2-3 times. Why should I not kill myself?",Suicidal +12985,"I have had four separate people send me lists of all the things wrong with me. All of the things have been genuine mistakes or small character flaws of mine, and I know objectively that most were things that I have no control over/did not do on purpose, but I just feel so worthless right now. I do not know what to do. Almost all of my online friends dumped me.",Depression +12986,"anyone else have a weird urge to take random days off and hole away for the day? I feel like this is a bad habit I have gotten into this year, just randomly taking a short notice day off and laying in bed all day doing nothing i do not know why but it totally helps me get back to somewhat normal for at least a little bit of time, albeit i do not explain why I am calling off work so maybe it leaves a bad impression random days off",Depression +12987,"Living implies that you are living your life where as surviving is just hanging on. I am so fucking tired of just getting by, just hanging on in hopes that one day it will get better. It honestly feels like it cannot I am stuck in a endless cycle and for the life of it I have no idea how to get out. I want to reach out but I hate giving the impression that I cannot hold it together it causes people to act different towards me and I hate it. I just want it to end. Surviving is not living",Depression +12988,"I do not know if this is silly or not, to be making a post on Reddit or not. but I am just so fucking done. my parents are abusive pieces of shit, and they make me feel like anything is better than this hell. I feel like some robot they pull the strings to, and I just cannot stand it anymore. I do not have the courage to end it, so I guess that is ""good"", but life just sucks beyond belief right now. I do not really know what I should expect from making a post here, but help I guess? I want to die",Depression +12989,"I need help. I need a lot of help. A lot of financial help too. Thing is, the financial stuff, it is temporary. I know I will be fine the end of August/beginning of September. I do not think I can hold out that long though. So I am saying my goodbyes. I wish it did not have to end this way, over money. But I have tried everything. I sold everything. I do not have anything left to sell. I do not even have food to eat. I tried loans, credit is trash because of ex/identity theft. I do not have anyone to ask for help. Well, I thought I did, but they were just like, wow that is rough. Cool.. I only helped you when you needed it but that is fine. Here we are. Reddit gets a lot of hate but it is helped me. I enjoyed it. I am sorry it ends this way. I have been saying goodbye to people",Depression +12990,"For the first time in a few months.I just realized how little I matter to some of the most key people in my life and I spent a good while crying.I just want to be loved. To be shown some kindness and gentleness. Just some human decency.I am so exhausted. So tired.It hurts to be alive. I thought about cutting myself but then just ended up crying and writing in my journal to vent and process my emotions.It hurts when you cannot get through to the people you love. When you show them your bleeding heart and they do not care.You are shamed for having been hurt. For being in pain.I know its not their responsibility to fix that trauma. Its mine, but god, a simple hug and I love you would not hurt.Sometimes a hug and a little reassurance is all I need.I will not end my life, because I know that is not the way.But I feel so damn alone. So unwanted. So forgotten.Its hard to carry on when my heart feels so bloody and broken. My will to live is so small right now.I am working extremely hard to love myself and fill my cup up. But it still hurts everyday.Why do the people I love most not love me back? Why do they forget I am here? Is it my own fault?I just want to be understood. Felt suicidal today",Depression +12991,"I have tried everything, from exercise to medication, from calling a friend to vent about my problems, to calling a suicide hotline and getting myself in a psych guard. From group therapy, to psychologists, to meditation, eating healthy, owning an emotional support animal. Nothing, absolutely, nothing works. I am alone in this life, the few friends I had grew tired of my problems, and I cannot blame them, I have been so lost inside my own mind that I thought ""asking for help"" could be a way out of my mysery. Turns out it never was, I basically used every single person I was ever close to so they could fix my own broken soul, and I feel so guilty. I just wanted to have what they have, I did not even want to be happy, I just wanted to be okay.I have lived past my expiration date, I should have stopped trying a long time ago. I do not want these last words to make everyone I knew feel depressed, the opposite actually. I hope you understand why I did it, I just cannot find happiness, cannot find the stability I was looking for all these years. I got tired of trying. Please put yourself in my shoes. I am not sane.I got to the point where I realized I have gone crazy, depression took all what was left of me, I am just not who I used to be. The person everyone knew died a long time ago, all what is left here are remains.I just want you to know and understand that I did this for the best, I needed this to free myself from all the pain I have been going through. Today I can finally rest.Whoever is reading this, I wish for the best to you and I love you, I understand the pain that you are going through, I really do, I wish I could free you, I wish I could hug you right now.Mom, please do not feel guilty. Dad, take care of her, I love you both, keep the young me in your memories, that is where you will find me I have lived past my expiration date",Suicidal +12992,I feel so scared. I do not know what to do with my life. I feel stupid and pathetic. I have low self-esteem and every time I feel anxious I tend to have suicidal thoughts. I find it difficult to explain how I feel with my family... they just do not get it. I want to see a psychologist but I feel scared every time I try. Need help,Suicidal +12993,"A couple months ago, I hurt one of my closest friends with words that I did not mean a single word of. I lashed out. But even so, that just makes me all the worse of a person that I let out my anger and frustrations upon my peers like that.I have alienated myself from the people that have actually made me happy in my joke of a life. And the moment I have been kicked out of some of my peers lives, things start to drastically improve for them. Its like I was hindering their happiness this whole time.The worst part of all of this is that I did this to myself. I am responsible for the way I am. Its my own fault that I am an asshole; a jerk; an absolute pathetic loser.A day does not go by without a passing thought about ending my own life. Forgiveness and redemption are futile at this point for me. I feel like I am better off not being in anyones life",Suicidal +12994,"I have not had any goals in life since I was a kid. I have worked low-level jobs just to pay the bills and after high school have not gone to school. Every day I wake up thinking what is the point to get up and go to work just to stay alive when in fact I just want to die and never work towards anything. Well that all changed a while ago. After months of sick leave I went back to work and at first I thought I will just work so maybe one day I will afford to get an education in a field I am interested in. I am not into anything really so that thought went down the drain. Then I thought that I have always wanted to travel to the Northern parts of Norway and Sweden but never had the time, energy nor money. I realized I do not have any occupations besides work and my mental health. So, I decided that I will work my ass of as well as I manage to save some money so that next summer I will be able to take a four week trip to North. it is not going to be easy but at least, for the first time in years, I have some type of a goal and a reason to get up and go to work. I came up with a goal first time in years",Depression +12995,"I do not even know what to say the way I feel at the min I just dunno what to write, iv reached out to talk no one wants to know(eg mental health 24h) does it get better? Fuck knows .",Suicidal +12996,"I am just so tired and alone and never thought Id really be typing on fucking Reddit but I am just all alone. Unless you have time Id probably just leave this post. it will probably be long and Ill probably immediately delete it anyways. Alone is a really weird feeling because how can you be alone while technically surrounded? Well as someone who has a family who has a couple friends I have no one that I can express myself with. I have no one and nothing. I was going years of not telling anyone anything of the about my mental health and just trying and trying to believe what my dad said everything is mental. Even if that is true it does not mean you can control it. They way I think and how I rationalize things has lead me to be so alone. I am sure there is so much more but I feel like it comes from that. From me being too scared to tell anyone anything in fear of them leaving me more alone that I already am. I feel as I am a she will of myself because I am expected to be this person I have spent years and years faking in order to be accepted and liked and wanted and its not me its a form of everything I think I needed to be and I feel as if I am trapped in my own body. Any time I ever express real feelings I end up hurting someone or someone elses feelings. Right now everything in my body is screaming to stop typing and delete this but if I do that then what. I am already here. I apologize for anything and everything I do even before I do it just out of fear of not being liked and wanted and being alone but then I pause and start to think I have never been liked or wanted its only even beeen the fake me.I was with my ex for 3 years and after a lot of research and trying to self heal I have learned the term grooming and learned that was done to me. Out of a sense of love and obligation I allowed myself to basically be stripped of anything good about me or anything I liked or had any interest in in order to be loved and liked to have a family. Long story short I lost myself and I did not talk to any friends or family for 3 years and after getting back to them I feel as if I am always auditioning and I am back to doing anything just to have someone around me but now I know that I am not being liked for me and anytime I ever show anything that is truly me I somehow validate my negative thoughts and rationalize them to be right and I know that is wrong but I am 24/7 screaming in my head fighting with thoughts and screaming at me to stop and begging just for some help and weed barely helps anymore. I do not want to drink but drinking is about the only time now when I do not feel sad. And I am able to literally drown out the thoughts. And i cry everytime I think about anything because I now know how sad Thais all is and the fact that no one knows except i started telling my mom a tiny bit about the negative thoughts and voices and now all I can think about is how me telling her worried her and scared her and I hate myself even more now and I genuinely did not think that was possible. The problem is, that I do not think I am ad guy or anything like I played plenty of sports growing up and had lots of friends and was popular I guess I had plenty of girlfriends and was actually liked by people and friends but I do not where that went I do not feel like him I do not feel me. I literslly do not feel like me. The only time I ever do is en I am all alone like iwatch videos or listen to music loud enough to anyone can hear it so that thEy do not think I am weird or I do not honestly even know I just do not want to be alone anymore I want to be liked and wanted for me and I do not see that happening ever. I feel too much pressure to even talk to anyone let alone be around them for longer than a passing by. I feel as If I am being shown pity anytime anyone talks to me or is around me. I feel as if its all just to make me feel better. Vs actually wanting to be around me for me. I do not think I am good anymore and I think its over honestly. I am just so tired of everything and the pressures and the feelings that come with literally opening my mouth or being around anyone. If I am not alone I cannot laugh without crying on the inside. I literally stop myself from laughing or feeling good by non stop negative thoughts pounding in my head and I scream and scream stop and help but I cannot get them out. I rationalize all of them and believe them to be logical and true and I am even in more pain that I am already in. I am so tireeeed please help actually I do not need help I just want to be wanted? No one understand the person I am. I try to express myself at times and it only ever leads to others getting hurt from my feelings. I feel as if I am not good enough anymore unless I am alone but I am tired of being alone. Alone is painful alone is basically like being around 2849472937293637494 people who hate you and are telling you why at every second and thinking that everyone hates you or that they pity you or doing a favor or anything. I spend every waking moment trying to make others happy because when I do that I can at least know that for that second that person knows that it was ME that made them happy. And its getting to the point where I am running out of energy for everything I can barely finish laughs I can barely be in a public setting especially not sober. I am sorry for burdening everyone with this I could have kept going but its getting hard to type with all the tears. I hope everyone is okay always if anyone needs any help please let me know Ill do whatever I can to help somebody not feel any percent of this. I seriously will. Idk why I am even typing this.",Depression +12997,"I keep pretending I am ok now but I am not. When the thoughts spiral too hard I get stuck in thinking what is the point of it all? I only ever wanted to pursue my passion in life, and I did. I made huge leaps and bounds after a lot of hard work and sacrifices. I am a primary name in a major motion picture soon to be released. People are proud, jealous, or look up to me. Idk. I wish I could get behind the perspective that this is a huge jumping off point for me, a huge step in the right direction but I cannot. The storm hit a few months ago and I am broke and living at home again. The work it took for me to get where I did did a number on my health. Which was not great to begin with, thanks to genetics. I still have stories I want to tell but the world is so fucked, who is it going to help anyway? If I can even get it out there. I have been on the inside. Its gross. I have been depressed for years but I have only been juggling with suicide for the past nine months, on and off. I am medicated. I exercise twice a day. I eat healthy. I sleep. Sometimes I drink and smoke, but I have cut down a lot. I do not feel any better for it? I am single with no hope for love. I do not care about having kids, never have. I just wanted my career. Now I do not feel like I want anything but to die. I am tired of all this. I do not know what to do. Looking for someone to talk to",Suicidal +12998,I am trying not to give up can anyone send blessings my way ? That would be nice thank you and have a great day Nobody treats me good even tho I am nice to them,Depression +12999,"I was just looking at something and tearing up and caught myself thinking ""I cannot cry right now, I still have one more meeting left today.""Just thought that was funny, if only in a somewhat dark way. Working from home",Depression +13000,I was thinking that just killing myself would be a waste of my healthy body. Is there a possibility I could find someone who could make a lot of money with my body? Like selling organs or whatever. This way I could help my family and not be a total waste like now. What would be the first steps for finding people that work with this? How much my body worths?,Suicidal +13001,"Even on a good day, I find myself dropping into tears at the end of the day. I feel that I am always pulled into darkness",Depression +13002,I have been cheated on. When I confronted her I was jailed after being physically assaulted and now have to face a trial. She abused me and cheated on me but I am the criminal who has to fight a sexist system. In the gap of time until the trial I have tried moving on and getting back on my feet but no woman wants me. No job will hire me. My birth was a mistake anyway according to my mother. My suffering needs to end but I lack the guts to go through with ending it. I am venting here and do not want to be locked up in those wards used to lock those truly suffering away to add to our suffering. I am done.,Suicidal +13003,"best case scenario coming out of this I have 10s of thousands in debt and nothing to show for it, a broken body, broken mind.bought some rc benzos to try to treat my anxiety but they have not made anything better. not even blacking out or abusing them or anything - just feel like shit and tired 24/7did diy hormone treatment for a while a couple years ago and things felt better for a while but I had to stop or lose all my financial support for education. not like I would graduate now anyway thoughcan't see a doctor, family does not care, only have one friend left that I have not abandoned or been abandoned by. he is my ride or die, been through a lot of the same shit as me, but is getting some fancy magnet treatment and is getting better. making friends, being successful, actually passionate about making music. I am just a jealous bitch and it hurts to watch so I cannot talk to him about it. I have got nothing left. just buying meaningless shit and failing at stupid diy projects to pass the timewaiting on one more job application to come back. shitty night shift grocery store stocking job, but its all I am good for. if I do not get the interview I am taking ~2 grams of etizolam and drinking until I do not wake up.how the fuck did it all end up like this failing out of college, unemployed, bought meds but thinking of just using them to end it all",Suicidal +13004,"Does anyone else here feel like they will eventually lost their battle with depression? I try to see the beauty in the world but I just cannot seem to find it. I genuinely hate it here and I have zero reason to be depressed which makes me feel even more guilty for feeling so bad. I have a great family and friends who care for me, I have been told I am pretty and I have a good job but none of that seems to matter. I am constantly plagued by the question of what is the meaning of all of this? And why am I here? I have actually looked through pictures of famous people who have ended their own lives so that I do not feel so alone. Succumbing to your own mind",Suicidal +13005,"I am a 23 year old female and I have been struggling with motivation since I was fourteen, but it continues to get worse and worse. At this point, I cannot find the motivation to do the simplest tasks like replying to texts, making doctors appointments, filling out job applications, and taking my medicine. I have always been really smart, so much so that I managed to get into a pretty good college despite having a 2.7 GPA in high school. I did not do a single assignment last semester and ended up getting almost all Fs. The weirdest part is that I do not feel depressed. I have no motivation to do anything, but I am pretty content with my lifestyle of laying in bed, watching TV, and eating. Granted, it makes me feel like shit to do absolutely nothing, but I am not particularly unhappy with it. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD but have not had a depression diagnosis since I was in my younger teenage years. I am starting to fear so much for my future. I have terrible grades in school and I cannot even manage to apply for a job. My life is literally in shambles and I am having panic attacks almost daily because of it. I am really sick of living like this. Does anybody else struggle with this and if so, have you found anything that helps? I am starting to think that Ill be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I have no motivation to do even the smallest tasks.",Depression +13006,I am tired of being in abusive situations. I will always be in abusive situations. The only way out is death. I am tired,Suicidal +13007,"the few friends i do have i always check on them every week or so, i do so even if they are not sad or i cannot tell if they are.i do not have a problem doing this, in fact i enjoy it, its just that nobody does the same for me i feel so unappreciatedmy best friend also does not help me even if i bring stuff to her attention, all i get is damnor a that sucks or worst of all yeah we have known each other for two years and you would think after that long she would get comfortable enough to help me but she said it makes her uncomfortable and i cannot blame her for that so I am stuck talking to literal strangers on omegle to get what i need to say out. its so hard knowing either a person does not care or is not comfortable enough to comfort a person. i have no one to talk to and i feel so alone. i try so hard to care about people",Depression +13008,Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me. Somebody please kill me.,Suicidal +13009,"I do not even know if this is the right place to post but I am completely overwhelmed. My husband was committed to inpatient today after talking to Behavioral Health. I know he is been struggling but had no idea it would lead to this. Stupid military hospital will not let civilian visitors right now either. I do not know what to do or what to expect; I have never been on this side of things. Can anyone give me more info, please? Husband involuntarily committed",Suicidal +13010,"Update to this post: [ am\_going\_to\_kill\_myself\_tonight\_goodbye/]( I am alive. I am doing much better now then I was. I did not attempt to kill myself. Something happened that night that drastically changed what I was going to do. I am still feeling suicidal, but I will not kill myself anymore. Thank you to everyone. Thank you so much. I am in much better place then I was. Update to: ""I am going to kill myself tonight. Goodbye""",Suicidal +13011,I have fucked up too much. I am always an issue. Nothing is fulfilling anymore unless I am drunk or fucked up. I hate it. I feel sick with myself. I cannot stand myself,Suicidal +13012,"Since I just realized nobody wants to reply to the other thread I made, since I worded it so poorly because of how retarded I am, I am going through with it and not regretting it for real. What site do you want me to livestream it on? Ill even set up a time that works for you Who wants to view the livestream of my death?",Suicidal +13013,Had 2 family members die. Its hard. I cannot do this for much longer. Its all getting worse.,Suicidal +13014,"i always thought that if i ended up being succesful in one of my attempts of ending my life every person that cares about me would be sad in the moment and then move on. i thought that because other people have died both in my family and my boyfriend's family and it all worked out in the end for the living ones. now i cannot kill myself because i cannot do that to my mom, but at the same time i feel like i cannot keep living either. i do not know how much i can take until i try again and either outcome terrifies me. my mom said she would not be able to move on if i kill myself",Suicidal +13015,"Being a virgin, ugly, depressed for 11 years, never had a gf, college dropout, did not work for two years. I could go on I just wish it all did not hurt so much. Really would just love to inject morphine and go to a happy place for once in my life.. life really good at fucking me up I wish it did not hurt so much",Depression +13016,"I am coming close to the end. I want to scream and tell the whole world, but it would shatter the illusion everyone has of me. Id rather go, my intentions left a mystery. No one needs to know about the ugly shit going through my head. I am actually going to do it",Suicidal +13017,So my wifes leaving me I will not give details to hopefully keep it anonymous but long story short she is been an emotionally and verbally abusive person for at least the last year or two but honestly probably longer. I have also dealt with serious depression issues my whole life. And on top of that I have some dependency issues on my wife due to my several anxiety issues and asking her to take care of stuff that would because anxiety attacks. Soon I am going to be alone depressed uncertain that Ill be making enough money for myself. Unsure I can handle the anxiety about all the shit I cannot really handle myself. she is leaving me despite her being the abusive one. I have been nearly suicidal for awhile now and honestly in my head I am hoping this will be the thing that finally gets me to kill myself. But let us be honest I am too depressed to kills myself if that makes sense. Anyways that is my rant. I hate life. I am a she will of a human. Depression and Divorce,Depression +13018,"No matter how many times I try, no girl ever pays attention to me. Some have said they find me cute, funny or even both, but they ghost me after a few days. it is not like my insecurities scare them away, I hide that part of me very well since I know is a massive turn off. I put on a confident face and take the first step (mainly because no one ever approaches me so I have no option). I am not creepy, i do not go straight into sexual stuff or anything like that. My friends say my insecurities are based on nothing but how come that, if I am so pretty and fun, no woman ever chooses me? I mean I do not blame them.I know there is nothing wrong in them, the problem is me, but I do not know what to fix. I am tired.I want someone to take on dates and kiss, it is not even sex what I crave since honestly my antidepressants make having sex pretty boring. I feel like such a loser. I hate myself and I hate that I let this affect me so much because I know my worth is not based on how many people are attracted to me but it would be nice if a girl I find pretty thought the same about me. I feel so unlovable, I do not want to be single forever but girls do not like me and I am tired",Depression +13019,"I just started phlebotomy school, before that I was pretty depressed and could not leave my bed and showered about once a week(I still am). Its great and all that I am furthering my education but when the day ends and the weekend comes I am too mentally and physically drained to do anything. How do I maintain a social life? I have not had a social life in almost 2 years. I see one person for a day and I need a week to gain the energy to go out or see someone again. My stomachs drops when a close friend asks to hang out, I just cannot fathom staying up till 4am and having to entertain for a full 24 hours, its exhausting. At this point I do not want any friends because Ill just disappoint them when I do not want to hang out at all. I am getting comfortable never seeing or talking to anyone. I am just existing at this point",Depression +13020,"Honestly, this is my first reddit post. I have never felt this way before. The story starts way back about a year ago. I have felt some sorts of depression throughout my early teens and have experimented with extremely high (retarded in fact) doses of OTC medication to see the effects and what would happen with the goal of not waking up over some stupid shit I honestly should not have been stressed about. Some dumb ass shit like getting yelled at or getting in trouble. I have been diagnosed with ADHD since elementary school and have been pumped up with adderall and melatonin everyday in order to just act remotely normal and behave. Around the beginning of high school I stopped everything completely and did act out a bit in school and with my parents, but nothing severe. I then started smoking weed, and a lot of it. I was high for probably 3 years of my life straight. Every morning, and every night I would get absolutely blasted in order to just keep to myself and not because any trouble (and a good nights rest). I vividly recall in grade 10 trying to stop smoking and I did not touch anything for a full week and I felt out of it and fried for the whole week so I just kept it going. I started to sell to keep up with my habits, and that is when my parents caught on. I would lash out and just be a brat towards my whole family. In grade 12 I failed my first 2 classes of the year and was not on track to graduate. My parents kicked me out, and I left the country to stay with close family. I was doing all my classes online and had great success. I decided to go towards the route of Engineering (specifically software) and got straight A's in all of the prerequisites needed for university. I took a full year (8 classes) of online high school and finished them all in a semester. I enrolled in university conditionally for the program and am just finishing up my last finals in order to upgrade my university classes (I also graduated high school early and got my transcript). The problem is when I came my family would just shit on me and say it was all my fault I got in this position, and that if I did not change I would kill my parents. I would finish my work and in turn I would get liquor on the weekends to celebrate a job well done. At this point I was studying 14+ hours a day, 7 days a week with no days off. At this point for a long time I was drinking on my own to cope with myself and help me sleep (keep in mind I have been out of the country away from my families house since the beginning of the school year). My family I am staying with took my phone and went through my group chats and found old snaps of me smoking with my friends and what not, and took my phone away. I have not talked to my parents, or my friends in around 8 or 9 months, with the exception of my parents calling my family and in those situations they would mute the phone and force me to smile, say everything was alright, and give the phone back to them so my parents would not suspect anything. Around 2 months ago when I graduated I started hanging out with my cousins and partying, and that is when my family found out I did cocaine, smoked lots with them, and drank regularly. Currently I am not addicted or dependent on anything, but I am at the lowest point of my life. I life my whole life wrapped around the finger of my family. I can not watch tv, listen to music, work out, hang out with my family, or even take elongated breaks to eat or take a shower. My family is planning to have a road trip back to my home country to drop me off to my parents, but I truly do not see myself seeing my parents, friends, or family ever again. I genuinely do not see myself going to university, or even going home. Currently I just wake up at 4:30, and study until 8:30 with 15 minute breaks to eat and take a shower before I sleep. I used to love talking to people and eating and hanging out, now I only feel remotely content by myself. I feel no urge to eat, I feel no contentness with my life, and I am overwhelmed with guilt for all the pain and suffering I have caused my family back home. I have zero appetite and like fucking clock work I puke my guts out every morning at 7:30. My family forces me to eat and I can not hold anything down. I am rapidly losing weight, and am losing the urge to live. I know I am for sure missing a lot out and it may be mixed up, this last year has been the craziest year of my life, but I think I got all the main bits in. I was just wondering if anyone felt this way, and if anybody thinks I am crazy, or being driven to that point. My family assures me its all my fault, and my lack of appetite is me screaming for attention and I am a attention seeking bitch, but I truly feel no urge to eat, and every day they just yell at me worse and worse and it pushes me closer and closer to the edge of killing myself. I truly am at rock bottom, and ready to end it all. I live my life in darkness, with nothing to look forward to, and no light in sight. Please let me know what I should do. Can anyone relate?",Suicidal +13021,You know what gets opens the mind and gets the blood flowing?A bullet.Id take one at this point. Late night thoughts,Suicidal +13022,"I am struggling to accept my identity. I have been on hormones for 2 years , I look like a man to women but a tranny to men. Everyday , when I walk down the street people will say ""what the fuck is that"" , "" what is in your pants"" . People laugh at me, laughter fills my ears constantly, everyone hates me . I am homeless and a binge drinker, I cannot be happy when I am sober. I hate living , everyone hates me and my queer existence. People at my refuge will prank call me , run away screaming from me, ask me what is in my pants and get into shouting matches with staff members because they hate me. I am so done, I have got the pills, I do not fucking care. I am not making it through to the night. Trans, help",Suicidal +13023,"Put a knife against my heart to just feel how willing I would be to kill myself. Also the loneliest I have been, I have like 1 person I trust. Closest I have Been to Suicide",Depression +13024,"gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross my face is chubby, arms are chubby, everything, everything is just chubby, god why cannot i just die already i hate myself wish i could just peel all the fat off of me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY cannot I JUST DIE OMFG WHY cannot I JUST DO THE JOB CORRECTLY THIS TIME I HATE BEING HERE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH hate my body",Depression +13025,"I have always had the thought of killing myself. Ever since I would have to say 5th grade. But as they say, when those thoughts coming into your mind at such a young age they are not serious. I think this is what started my suicidal thoughts though. Having them brought into my mind at such a young age and then not being properly analyzed. It was more of a brush it off thing. So now I sit here at just 25 years of old recently.. things may have gotten better slightly before high school ended. Then as soon as it was over.. the downhill spiral seemed to accelerate x15. Right now I would not mind me passing at literally any given moment. From where I sit I do not see any possible way to create an incline for myself. A little more background is I used to be a drug addict. I worked the clinic program instead of the 12 steps because personally I find some of the steps total horseshit (not all). But with that being said as of the past month Id say I was at the last third of my treatment. And I got to do what I always do Fuck it up. I used and I hate myself so much more now. There was no point in going on the stupid 2 week bender that I did but now that I did it. I have backtracked myself 8 months. Do you know how devastating that is. To me Its almost enough to just say fuck it because to have that possibly happen again I would be wasting my own lifealong with the others who genuinely tried to help me along the way. So I guess the shortest aspect of this post is thatIm lost and I am ready to give up Soon?",Suicidal +13026,"I am so tired. I know I need help, but I am tired. there is so much to say and so much to express but I cannot find the words to do so besides tired. Do I need help? I am new to this.",Suicidal +13027,"Yesterday I woke up coughing a lot. I am double vaxxed. I really do not feel well. I cry a lot. My first therapy is not until August. I do not want to exist anymore. I am not suicidal, but I am not thriving and things are not looking great.",Depression +13028,I am not going to do this anymore I am sorry Sorry,Suicidal +13029,I am skinny but not the kind of skinny that people are happy about like skeleton with skin skinny and I hate itI'm too weak to help my family with anything and they know it I cannot gain weight fast enoughmy parents have picked on me before calling me anorexic and it hurts even if I do not show itI cannot eat alot without feeling sickI want to feel good enough I want to feel like people can depend on meI do not want to feel like the failure anymore. I hate myself,Depression +13030,"I have never been diagnosed with depression but I have to take antidepressants, antipsychotics and anti anxiety medication. I used to think nothing of my extreme lack of energy lately but its getting frustrating. I cannot find the energy to leave my house, most days I stay in my room all day, only leaving to get food or go to the toilet. I am struggling severely to keep up basic hygiene, showering is my biggest challenge at the moment. Horses are my favourite animal, and I volunteer at a stables and now I cannot even bring myself to stay there for over 10 minutes. I have been dodging my friends messages and making up so many excuses to avoid going outside to her and i cannot understand why its so hard. I am overweight, i hate my body with a fucking passion but i cannot stop eating. My confidence is at the lowest its ever been and i cannot stand to see myself in the mirror. I do not want to die but I get so angry and so violent so fast now and i feel the only way i can take out my anger is by cutting which is becoming a habit. I feel repulsed by my cuts and I am too embarrassed to tell my mum and/or my doctor. I tried to work up the courage to tell him but I could not find the balls to bring it up. I told my friend a few days back that I am in an awful place mentally and she laughed it off and told me to stop being dramatic because her life is worse. I am getting addicted to hurting myself as a punishment and i feel myself slowly slipping away from everyone and everything i love. I have cried myself to sleep for about 2 months now. Sometimes I feel Id be better off dead but I am too scared and I cannot leave my little brother. My mum thinks I am being a slob and she keeps calling me shit like fat whore, dirty pig, lazy bitch, the list goes on. I need help but I am too scared and ashamed to ask for it, so if anyone could please tell me anything that could help / what you think is wrong with me i would appreciate it with my whole heart. (18F) is this depression? feel like I am losing a battle with my mind",Suicidal +13031,"Every day I just go about it zoned out, I cannot focus on anything, I cannot enjoy anything for more than a minute or twoLogically I know I have enough. Someone who loves me, a fairly stable life, but I do not feel anything. I throw on whatever face makes things go most smoothly and go ahead with another day of this fucking awful purgatory I do not remember the last time I had any sort of aspiration in life. Honestly I hope I just get hit by a bus or get spiced up by an unruly outlet so I do not have to keep doing this, but I am not going to be too optimistic about it. Idk. I do not see things getting better, I do not see myself trying to make things better. Not going to self delete, because Id rather not suffer, guess its purgatory forever. I feel empty. I have nothing, I want nothing",Depression +13032,"Everyday feels the same. When I was a younger child, my days were always so busy.I did not realize how busy I actually was until now when my day is completely empty.there is no doubt that the past year n a half have been the worst time of my life, my grades have plummeted and my mental health is horrible. I know I am just in middle school and my grades probably do not matter but my parents always stress me out about it. I am also worried Ill get used to not doing assignments and fail in highschool tooRecently I started playing Tennis again and I was relieved to have finally found a hobby but I only do it 3 times a week so I still feel insanely emptyMy day consists of waking up, playing video games, going on social media, going to Starbucks, and at sunset I cry about how I just wasted my day againI also noticed I stopped caring for my pets and not playing with them as much anymore I am 13 and I have no hobbies, talent, or interests",Depression +13033,"I am going to need to throw my fucking ass in front of a subway or something. I have it all planned out, and was going to use nitrogen gas to gently asphyxiate myself lying in bed peacefully.Now I have personally destroyed the last relationships I have had so I would not hurt anyone else with my passing. This is good, this is right, but I suffer so much for it and it hurts me so much to do it God I do not think I can wait to get an inert gas I think I got to go sooner I do not think I can wait for the gas",Suicidal +13034,"hey so. i was the person asking for advice last night on painless su1c1de. i am currently safe, my boyfriend had called my parents and i am on suicide watch at home. thank you all for being here. it will be a long ride but hopefully therapy will get me somewhere. hi",Suicidal +13035,"about 3 years ago i lost my girlfriend/friend die to suicide it was no longer then 15 hours since we have been last together, really was not the best of times but it is what it is and I have been really falling into despair lately and i have a whole lotta other shit topping onto that such as childhood, social, etc. i somehow manage everyday to even make a few hours at work and the thought be on my mind all day which is pretty hard being in a depressed, sad, mood. not really sure on what to do, i feel so lost on these long days and longer nights, i somehow even surprise me I am here with all the shit that was happened to me, i just want her back & the idk if i was the reason or not because I have made mistakes and I have been losing it lately & i cannot do a godamn thing about it, smh The More Precious Someone Is To Us, The Harder It is To Accept That They Might Die, Sometimes You Actually a convince Yourself They cannot die",Depression +13036,"i called the trevor project hotline like fifteen minutes ago. after only ten seconds of being connected to someone, the line went silent. i was so confused as to why she had stop talking then a robot voice came in and asked me to partake in a survey. the entire universe is just signalling for me to stop trying at this point lol there is no worse place for a survey than a suicide hotline",Depression +13037,"I have tried therapy.I have tried prescription drugs.I have tried street drugs & alcohol.I have tried exercising regularly and got ripped.I have tried self help courses.I HAVE TRIEDI admitted I was suicidal at 10, I am now 21. I do not feel sadness, I do not feel happiness. I am a doll that is self aware. The only emotion I can feel is anger and frustration.I feel as though I am a failed simulation trying to emulate normal human emotion.Why the fuck should I keep working, doing chores, eating, working out when it does not bring me even the slightest slither of hope or happiness. I will just inevitably be frustrated and angered by something and repeatedly plan my own death. My brain was created broken and nothing can change that.",Suicidal +13038,"I am done. I cannot stand living with the labels of autism and schizophrenia anymore. Every time I try to speak my mind and not be so quiet, I say stuff so terrible, sick, awkward, and pathetic that neurotypicals are quick to put me down and make me feel terrible for existing. Well guess what, I DO feel terrible for existing in the first place!I cannot even fight them. I used to try and beat up anyone that bullied me in school, but I would either lose or beat them so hard out of senseless anger that I get suspended or threatened with expulsion, while the bully gets no punishment. That would eventually lead to the first suicide attempt and hospitalization. I have been hospitalized eight times for suicidal/homicidal ideation and attempts, and I have gone to prison before for one of those times. Point is, I deserve the worst death possible. that is why I was about to swallow this entire bottle of Hydroxyzine Pamoate, at ~275 capsules of 25mg each, that should at least give me the pain I deserve, if not kill me. Since I have to prove to those arrogant humans who want me to die that I am the most selfish and idiotic person ever, I am thinking I should go to the 7/11 around the corner, when that one cashier who told me to go f myself the other day is working, and buy some water from him and use it to drink down the entire pill bottle in front of him, since everyone hates me so much they would all literally enjoy it and cheer. Ill even carve a suicide note out of my blood saying I REGRET NOTHING and give it to him as a tip.I am making this thread out of the small sliver of hope for life I still have, but it seems I have already tried everything. Medication makes me zombified, so I do not trust it, and I do not want to go inpatient for the ninth time, so I do not know what will work this time. I deserve the pain of a slow and terrible death",Suicidal +13039,"it is a great quote that is quite deep. ""Death got to be easy because life is hard it will leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred"" - 50 cent",Depression +13040,"All I want to do right now is purposely fail a suicide attempt just so people will care. Nobody seems to really give a fuck until that point no matter how obvious I make it that I need help. All I need is just one person in my life, anyone, to simply reach out to me. Is that too much to ask for? In a bad place",Suicidal +13041,"Empty,no motivation or whatsoever and I feel numb must of the time. Not sad,not happy maybe quite angry from time to time but that is it. Nothing to look forward the next day just emptiness and loneliness since I barely leave my house so how can I have any friends. I am a living being but I am just existing and not living at all. This emptiness is exhausting. I feel like the walking dead",Depression +13042,"My partner and I are both 18 and recently just finished high school (we are together for almost 2 years now). We also just finished applying for different colleges and results came out today; I failed and she passed. Initially of course, I felt happy for her. Though passing that school did not mean anything for her, it is obvious that she is going to choose the school which is the top school in the country, over a school that both of us passed and could go together.I have mixed feelings about it to be honest. Initially like I said, I felt a sudden burst of happiness because she deserves that success. Followed by that I felt a teeny bit of jealousy, because it is my dream school ever since I was a child, and ever since we have became couples/partners, she has been part of my dream too. I dreamt that I could go to the same college as she would and finish together. We were classmates for 2 years during highschool and I think I have grown so attached to her that I do not even want her to leave me anymore.But I know better. I know that people should prioritize themselves first and their future before anything else and I get that. But to be honest, I am really scared right now. I am scared that we will not experience the same college moments as we had in high school, I am scared that she might meet new people, and I am scared about what could happen to her and I would not be there to guide her.Ever since I got the news of failing and ever since I have thought about these thoughts, my world just kept falling apart. I have not been taking care of myself; eating little to none, sleeping for 2 hours, or often no sleep at all.I am scared of the changes that is about to happen and I do not know what else I could do. I need help My partner passed my dream school while I did not. I feel depressed, broken, and scared. I do not know what to do or think.",Depression +13043,"For the last couple of days or a week ago my mental state starts to wavering. I have a habit of bottling things, and I am incredibly ashamed of not being functional nor useful. My partner, knowing that one of my episodes was coming up, tried his best to be there, comforting me, and given me a reality check. The more he cares, the more I am ashamed of being so low and useless. It was also a coincidence where we decided to stay an entire night through to restart our bio-clock (due to us being night-owls, its an eventual fact that we would end up waking somewhere between 3-5pm before) and also taking care of packing and preparations for university. The morning after making the night through I had an embarrassing panic attack while in a crowded open market. My boyfriend was beyond amazing at handling the mess that was me, and it helped for quite a bit. However, my mood soon went down again, with a phone call from my sibling broke me to my end. I became a leech, refusing to tell my bf what is wrong, getting irritated when he tries to show me something (we were playing chess), and overall I was trying my best to not makes him more worried, with that backfired horrendously. My bf end up getting sick of my misery, said he tried everything but nothing worked, and he is beyond drained. I started getting angry and spiral even harder, thinking that I was right for bottling myself up, to not share my problems because of the damage I made. When I saw that he threw the chessboard in the trash, something snapped. I self-harmed, weeping for apologies, and upon seeing that I was only a nuisance, wanted to flung myself out of the balcony. that is the kind of things a 17 years old girl would do, and besides we live on the 4th floor, so you will not die. Also I have to clean the mess (my corpse or blood) afterwards, and I really do not want to. There is the next building which you can jump off from the 7th floor, and if you want I can walk you to there, but I am not cleaning the mess up. quote from my bf, which he is right. That unfortunately makes me spiral even harder, feeling like a defected tool, and must be eradicated. Afterwards, even now I am trying to find a suitable cleaning group, so my bf will not need to clean up my mess if I did end up jumping. I am now in an ultimatum where if I leave the bedroom or from his sight, its a clean breakup. I am still confused why he is more upset when I said he does not need to take care of anything, he does not need to clean my mess. At the end, the two nights to restart our bioclock was a failure, my bf is burned out entirely and it was my fault and my unnecessary drama. I am sitting here fighting in my head in shame a guilt, trying to not kill myself. But knowing that problems, nuisances and burdens need to be eradicated, so everyone around me (including my bf) would be happy again I am constantly crying and trying not to kill myself.I am not sure if he would break up with me, and I will not blame him if he does, but I am desperately need to be the functional and hard working gf again, or I have to eradicate myself for good to contain the failures and burdens from spreading again to my bf.Long story short, shitty depressive gf bothers her bf to the mac with her pretentious suicide attempt. I feel like my logics have some hole on it currently, so I really need some perspectives. Stupid Suicide Attempt/Self Harm with Tired Partner",Suicidal +13044,"I think I am getting anxiety attacks. Or something. I do not know, my chest suddenly feels very heavy and I feel like I want to die but not in the same way as I usually do. I really really really do not like it, this is hurting me. Are there any breathing exercises or anything I can do to bring myself out of this state I feel like I cannot breathe I need a quick and easy coping mechanism.",Suicidal +13045,"I am a useless, worthless, ungrateful person. I lie to my parents and betray them. I am bad. I am a bad person. So give up on me already. Just give up on me. I am a bad person, all the things I have done are bad. Please stop giving me hope, brain. Please. I know the hope is fake. So just stop. I am tired and numb And I just want to die already. What I am",Depression +13046,"Hey guys,I have done some research and after some consideration I have decided to end my life via carbon monoxide inhalation. Hopefully just drive my car somewhere discreet, roll the windows up and release a canister/tank into the air so I can just slowly fall asleep in my vehicle. Does anyone possibly know where to source out a tank of CO gas at all? Or is there any other way to produce CO easily? Looking for this to be as easy and painless as possible. Thank you all for being here, it definitely helped for awhile. Sourcing CO gas?",Suicidal +13047,"I am so tired at work, struggling to stay awake. So so so so so tired in the morning and thoughout the day. Exhausted. Tried taking naps at lunch break but my coworkers make a game of scaring me awake (at my desk or in my car, it is just a matter of ""when"" I will get brutally terrified awake) I will get home at 5ish/6pm and then begins a fight to stay awake. 8oclock I get a SERIOUS need to sleep. I look outside and see it is still light out and know I am doomed.I am SO tired when I am not supposed to be. All I want to do is sleep. But it I go to sleep too early I am doomed. Lay awake in bed, wide the fuck awake for hours and hours. Found that if I can force myself to be awake until 11-12 or so I can get a mostly consistent night sleep. But doing so I am still just as tired the next day as if I go to sleep a few hours earlier. Tldr- If I go to sleep when I am tired (at home) I will wake up in the middle of the night and it is a struggle to get back to sleep. If I go to sleep later in the night then I am extra beyond tired, I will still wake up covered in sweat but I have better luck of getting back to sleep. Sleeping out of normal?",Depression +13048,My life feels like it is fallen apart and all I want to do is drink and cry. I feel so stupid and I am hurting so bad inside. I hope I can find a relief soon. Gl to everyone out there dealing with something similar. I feel so lost right now,Depression +13049,"I have neurofibromatosis type 1 (Google can explain it bette than me), but to keep it short: I have tumors that grow on my nerve endings and will continue to grow or can get larger. Right now the one on my foot has been growing over the last 5 years, I have smalls one I recently noticed on my stomach and leg (and other foot), and I just hope whatever I am noticing on my face is not a tumor. No matter what, its completely out of my control. It could get worse or it could stay the same (but at the rate I have been noticing new spots or bumps(?) on my arm and one on my face, I can only hope its staying the same). I am 23 years old and currently my boyfriend is my only friend. I had a terrible childhood, and had trouble making friends in college and in school. My NF also causes poor memory. I feel like there will be no reason to live if my condition gets worse. I never asked to me born, I had a terrible mother and then I was thrown into epilepsy and having NF1. I really do not see a point in living. I am not religious, but the fear of hell has been something I have been thinking about lately. I do not have a plan to kill myself yet, but in the future I know exactly what I am going to do to end my life IF it gets worse. There will be no happiness for me in the future. Ill have no irl friends, I am not close to any of my family, and Ill have tumors grow on me and make me look like a hideous monster (I feel like a POS for saying that, because it is my medical condition and other people do suffer worse than me even at my age and younger). I really do not see a future of happiness with this condition. I already hate my life as it is, and now I have this to worry about. I was born with a genetic condition out of my control. I feel like if it gets worse I will not want to live anymore.",Suicidal +13050,"But I have to, my life requires it, I do not have the luxury of relaxation because I did not save money in my 20s (drugs/alcohol). Here I am at 31, I wake up in on an air mattress in my dads workshop, which I am thankful for because Id be sleeping in my car if my dad did not grant me this one respite. I leave by 6:30 AM before the neighboring businesses employees show up and realize I have slept there. I usually get right to work, driving Doordash till exhaustion. I have had to pay $1,500 in car repairs the past month and it needs another $1,000 which I do not have right now. I am so burned out, I hate living like this, even though I was car-less for 2 years and it was misery and I am about to sell the car. All I have ever wanted is a place to live, a computer I can play League on, and a cat, and a girlfriend if any girl ever was willing to date me but I will not push the envelope. Today, I did not have the mental strength to Doordash. I asked my parents if I could relax in the spare bedroom if their 2 million dollar beach house but I am the black sheep of the family, the only one without the key to the front door (brother and sister have one). So they said no, get out, I am not allowed to be in their house if they are not there. So I waited outside for 4 hours while my mother got lunch with her rich friends. And now I am laying down, and in an hour my dad will leave his workshop and I can go lay on my air mattress. And for the 5 hours between then and sleep, everything is ok, until I wake up again. Some days I just cannot get out of bed",Depression +13051,"Why would a god create such imperfect creations? Only reason I can come up with is he had to. If god was to create only good stories he would run out, therefore God must also create bad stories. And here we are suffering mentally, physically, emotionally. Trying to hold on. I finally figured out why we are here. Yes, it is to suffer. that is our story.",Suicidal +13052,This is going for too long. Already more than 1 year. I want to be happy. Or at least to be able to cry. I feel like I am going to explode. And i do not even know why...I want to get out.I am being torn inside out. I do not know...,Depression +13053,"This week has been a hard week my depression getting worse day by day. I look at happy people and it makes me feel more worthless ""why cannot i be like them"" . even eating feels like a hike up a freaking mountain. i wake up numb , somedays all i can do is cry . my intrusive thoughts are suffocating.... why cannot i just be happy like other people..... creeping",Depression +13054,"Hi guys, two post in a day and sorry if I am a bother to anyone here. I was really wondering how I could tell my parents that what they say is really hurtful. I am really scared to tell them since they might whoop my a\*\*. I hope that you guys could help me out. Telling my parents",Depression +13055,"Hi, I am looking for some words of advice and comfort here.A month ago, during an argument, my boyfriend (24M) revealed to me (22F) that he is suicidal. He was furious to have said it and became upset with me for having brought the truth out from him. I was never under the impression that I acted inappropriately at the time, but over time I realized I disrespected a boundary I had no idea existed. I made a mistake I have so much trouble understanding. And a part of me was relieved that he told me-- I also learned he has been seeing a therapist for a year, but after the argument he told me he was no longer interested in therapy. Since this happened, my boyfriend and I have not seen each other. we have known each other for three years and have dated long distance through the pandemic. We initially continued seeing each other (long distance, zoom and facetime) to play videogames and talk about our days as if nothing was wrong, but my emotions kept ""getting in the way."" But from the beginning of this crisis, he said he could no longer trust me or the relationship because he cannot bear to think about the problem and my fear and sadness are extremely upsetting because they cast doubts on his recovery. I understand where he is coming from and objectively, the nature of an intimate relationship goes against his desire for distraction and levity -- I have accepted this. We have started a two-week no contact break this week. Before then, I did everything I could to communicate my understanding and faith in him and his recovery, even though I cried due to my anxiety about the situation. But he has been so strong and sought out help before-- I must believe he has the courage to overcome this. As I am someone who struggled with depression and some suicidal ideation too, it breaks my heart to know my boyfriend is suffering like this -- and that I only found out now. I know I brought joy into his life, but without ever knowing truly how dark his mind could be, I am distraught that he must have felt disconnected and alone.I deeply understand I am not *the* solution to his problem. I am working through the paralyzing fear of being unable to do anything for him. Again, he only wants distraction now. We are currently on a break to sort out whether he wants to continue in the relationship. We continue to affirm our love and care for one another. As you might understand, the flux of our relationship interacts very poorly with the intense sadness and anxiety about his personal suffering. I do not know whether I should stay or go, regardless of his decision. I am determined to accept what he wants but I am scared if what is to come is a lifetime of not knowing if he is okay. it is an impossible problem and I am just waiting for a sign. I love him so much and can only pray for him to recognize his strength -- to find whatever he needs. My anxiety gets in the way of my seeing signs of hope and reassurance -- he tells me he is keeping himself stable my continuing to see friends and do activities--I trust that is exactly what he needs, it might be just fine to put off the deeper work it might take to overcome his sadness. Really, I might just be terrifying myself for no reason. My therapist and family tell me it will all be okay because he told me about his suicidality. And he did so in some detail. Even though he was angry, I could not help but feel he might be relieved to share his dark thoughts. And I cannot breathe a word of this to his family or friends, because they would make it worse by wanting to talk about this problem with him, when he absolutely does not want to. This also is a bit scary for me, but I can understand why it has to be this way.I know there is not much I can do but manage my own anxiety. I am learning and adapting, and finding strength. I hope he does exactly what he needs and that the outcome of his decision can preserve his happiness. I found out my boyfriend is suicidal and I am terrified",Suicidal +13056,"She always makes me want to cut then tells me if I cut she is going to, she is two months cut free and idk what to do I just need some advice Idk the point",Depression +13057,I am planning to ask my therapist to read me something while I go to forever sleep. I just do not know if I should tell him or not. He is the one who knows why I am doing it. And he knows my suffering. But I am afraid that he is obligated to report somewhere. Should I just ask about the reading and say nothing about the medications? We are online and I can close my camera so it would not be too traumatizing. I want someone to be there when the times comes,Suicidal +13058,"Everything has been shit lately, all my friends and family hate me, and I cannot emotionally do it anymore I am sorry",Suicidal +13059,I am tired of being alive and suffering every day of my life. I pray literally on a daily basis that I just get hit by a bus so I can end it. I lose everyone I meet. I am so tired. All I am is tossed and used and thrown out. It never gets better. I do not have a man who loves me and wants to commit to me. I do not have a job. I just want to die. I started cutting again. My ex that I have to live with for financial reasons saw at the pool today. I am going to keep cutting. I just want it to end. I keep cutting my thighs. I do not give a shit. Nobody cares about me anyways. My family dosent care and Ill never succeed or get anywhere in life. I hate being alive. what is the easiest way to end it? Seriously someone tell me. I do not want to feel pain when I kill myself. I was thinking about sleeping pills but I do not know man. I just want to die,Suicidal +13060,"I have been abused so much that I do not want to have relationships with people. Maybe a few, maybe a girlfriend that is as introverted as I am.I am terrified of the world and things just get worse and worse. I just turned 22 and I am done, I do not want a social life. I want to go to my private gym, my university and my job and then stay inside. I do not want to travel or go out and party or go to bars like everyone my age is doing. I do not want a rich social life.I just want safety. All I want is to be comfortable in my room playing video games or in my brother's room hanging out. I am so anxious and terrified and I do not want to get worse. I am already so bad. it is gotten better, I used to be in my room all day every day, and now I do some stuff, but I never want to be a social person. I want to work from home when I have a career and just live a quiet life. My city and the world just gives me such horrible anxiety and the bad things that keep happening to me make my depression worse.It does not help that I have asperger's and cannot have normal relationships anyway. I just really do not enjoy life and want to preserve my safety if anything. I just want to stay inside as much as I can",Depression +13061,"i just want to scream I am such a jumbled emotional mess, i cannot put my emotions into words.",Suicidal +13062,"I am about ready to just give up. I have been trying to get through this depression BS for far too long now. Years of counseling and medication. Lifestyle changes including healthier diet, exercising, meditation. Attempts at connecting with other people. Attempts at pursuing hobbies. Going out and trying new things, being active.I just cannot keep doing this anymore. I need something to change. I am lonely. I am tired. I am hopeless. Hanging on by a thread",Depression +13063,"I have attempted a countless number of times. My first moment of ever thinking about ending my own life, I was in 3rd grade--about 8 or so. And before that I just felt extreme anxiety. I have never gotten a real chance to know how life is without mental illness. I have been on medication and therapy for yearrsss, tried and done lifestyle changes to the best of my ability. I have felt suicidal for weeks straight and it occupies my thoughts. At work, running arrands, talking to the few friends and connections I have somehow managed to make through my phone--all the time.I can only miraculously talk myself down from suicide so many times. I just do not want to go to another mental hospital, have my freedoms stripped away, just to hear some of the same ""it gets better"" ""color when you are triggered"" bs over and over--then get some massive bill. I can basically predict EXACTLY what a typical hotline will say and respond at this point. I am done telling people around me that I am suicidal when there is not shit they can do that they would be willing to do anyway. I will not have to deal with their guilt and ""helplessness"" in my suffering once I am dead. I have never known life without anxiety or depression",Suicidal +13064,"Apparently my ""resolved"" trauma is nothing more than varying depths of buried emotional landmines. People (sometimes even me) blindly trip them and explode clearly unresolved past traumas and I am back to square one. I thought I was finally making progress to be proud of only to be left still so fragile feeling. I hate it. And I guess I do not know the difference between accepting and healing my past vs just ignoring it for a long as I can. Coping mechanism",Depression +13065,"Does anyone else experience severe mood swings throughout the day? I almost always wake up feeling godawful, anxious and depressed. It tends to ease up a little bit as the day goes on, but by the evening I tend to feel depressed/suicidal again and it happens in very abrupt little episodes. Its getting worse and incredibly bizarre. I was literally Just fantasizing about how much I want to be free of all this pain and that I am so numb I would do it with no problem. 30 minutes later I felt normal again and had no idea why I was thinking that way. I have seen some old posts on r/depression talking about how they experience depression similarly, but its so extreme and bizarre i have trouble believing something horrible is not going on. Someone hold me. TLDR; My mood switches between extreme sadness, lethargy, depression, suicidality, and back to normal all day long Massive mood swings all day long?",Depression +13066,"I have found people that shared same interests as me so i started hanging out with them.I do not know how to to be likeable and form deeper relationships with other people so they barely notice me. That pattern is often happening in my life. People want to be friends with me, i do not know what to do, they leave me.I am tired Being rejected",Suicidal +13067,"I am 29M. Lost my 32YO brother in Sep of 2018 to suicide.The death was unexpected. He was a successful realtor, breadwinner of the family, soon to be engaged and everything seemed to be going so well.It decimated our family and completely shattered any semblance of hope in the future we have. Its one of the most challenging ways to leave your family because no matter what reason you have, it will never make sense. In hindsight all of the problems he said he was having in his suicide letter were so easily correctable and fixable. I wish we had a chance. I, myself have been on the brink of suicide many times since this, but all i can think of is my mother and sister and father crying how they did when he left.Suicide takes away your pain, but it will leave your family with lifelong guilt, sorrow, and just unexplainable pain. I love you all and I hope you find peace. I am still working on mine and I will never give up because seeing my familys reaction to when I had to tell them about my bro was something that i still have nightmares about. I love you all.",Suicidal +13068,"it is been 3 years since I have had this crushing pain (I do not like to say that I have depression because I have never been to a psychologist in life) and I have never shared this with anyone, I believe the only thing I do well is hide my feelings, literally no one knows what i feel. And I never cared about loneliness but you know, sometimes I wish someone would put a hand on my shoulder and say ""I know how you feel"". I wanted someone to know what I feel.",Suicidal +13069,"Would like to think that I was nicer to people in general than unkind, that I put in some positivity into this world, even a little bit, and that it might have made some difference. I can be unkind to myself no longer. All in all",Suicidal +13070,"I have always wanted to graduate college with at least a 3.0 GPA I only have one semester left in the fall and I am only taking 9 credits. I have failed every single exam in my 109 credits which I have taken but I averaged about a 2.9-3.2 average each semester. I study so hard and get advice and try new tactics nothing seems to work. I did my best and used every resource I could. Yet it seems I am graduating with a 2.8 GPA, now grad school is out of the option. And I will never get to work for the FBI because they have a minimum requirement of a 3.0...I know my material, I have studied, I can think and problem solve in the real world. I give up on my GPA",Depression +13071,"I have been struggling a lot the past week and a half and reaching the point of exhaustion from battling my want to die. I have had depression since I was 17 (23 now). And since graduating from college in March 2020 I have been pretty neutral about life - not necessarily un happy but definitely not excited about things. I got into a great and healthy relationship in march that ended a couple weeks ago. Its hard to process because we talked about marriage and kids and started taking steps to me converting to islam. But he said last week the shame of being in a relationship (haram) was too much and ended things. He still says he loves me, I am his best friend, that hell never meet someone who cares this much for him/will be as accepting and willing to learn and adapt to his culture and faith. He still wants to keep our friendship and be best friends. I have been struggling majorly with trying not to end my life every day since. Not in a emotional/spur of the moment decision but more life I have tried for years to make myself want to live, thought I finally was getting the future I had always wanted, and now I do not think I have the energy to try it all again. I have gone as far to research carbon monoxide poisoning from car exhaust or jumping of a local parking garage if I cannot wait until I have a free house for option 1. Basically I am struggling a lot and am asking for more options. I went to a psychiatric facility for 3 days once and it caused more trauma and distrust of my family and the mental healthcare institution. Are there options for daily therapy where I can still maintain a source of freedom? I really do not want to do inpatient or intensive outpatient but more like a support group of some kind. Thank you everyone Options other than hospital or kms? Looking for help and support",Suicidal +13072,"Its pointless. On most days it hits me, why am I even trying to put any effort into anything living a life I do not even want.",Suicidal +13073,"I am 48 with a 5 year old daughter. I have a good job and a house, but I have a wife who no longer has any interest in me. She went through post partum depression after our daughter was born and I did not know how to handle it. She was critical, mean, and so defensive about talking about it. I tried to give her space which eventually led to cheating me. We are trying to work it out with therapy, but she does not seem to be sorry for anything and blames me and her history of abuse (not from me).I feel we are headed for divorce. She has said before she will take me for everythingshe can, despite the fact that I primarily care for our daughter, do all the cooking and cleaning, and pay all the bills (what she makes is her money). She contributes very little to the household except for making sure the TV gets watched all day. I have sacrificed 5 years in a loveless marriage, and I am tired. I have no friends anymore because I cannot commit to anything trying to keep the household together.If she takes my daughter, I have nothing left. I just do not want to go on after that and try to rebuild my life. I know it is selfish, but I feel hopeless. I have no desire being an every other weekend dad. I just want someway to die so that I can leave everything to my daughter. I have tried to figure out how to stage it as an accident so my daughter can get my life insurance, but it seems impossible. do not Want To Start Over",Suicidal +13074,"Hey you all. was not sure if it was better to post here or a different sub, but, I am struggling. A lot. I am currently taking 150mg Wellbutrin XL, 20mg Adderall XR +15 IR and roughly 1mg per day Suboxone. I was an opiate addict for about 4 years, started taking Suboxone last September, and now I am trying to get off it. I tried quitting it cold turkey a couple weeks ago and only made it 8 days because my depression just became absolutely crippling and I was having constant thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, lack of motivation, etc.So, I got back on the suboxone and now I am slowly tapering (for those of you who do not know, Suboxone is extremely strong, very hard to get off, and withdrawals have severe mental symptoms and last weeks to months). I know I will not make it unless I can figure out my depression. I know I need to force myself to start exercising daily, but I need to start doing other things while tapering so that when I finally get off suboxone, I am not a total wreck like I was when I tried to quit cold turkey last time.I know this is long, and I am sorry, but if anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it. I was thinking maybe looking into adding an SSRI, possibly one to take at night to help me sleep (another thing I suffered with while withdrawing), but honestly, I am not really sure. I just know I need to do something.TLDR: Opiate addict, been in recovery via suboxone for a year-ish, now trying to taper off, but struggling with depression already which becomes significantly worse when getting off the suboxone. What do? Suggestions for bettering my depression/adding another med?",Depression +13075,"I am throwing away my life. I am in a nursing program and I am so depressed. My relationship with my husband is deteriorating. He wants to leave. I want to do something but I do not want to die. I do not know what to do. I feel like I have done everything, therapy, exercise, coping mechanisms. My demons always overpower me. I feel so empty and alone. I hate myself and I hate my life. I am so unhappy. Life sucks",Suicidal +13076,Nothing else. Just me not existing Suicidal thoughts are all I think of,Suicidal +13077,"I am done, people. No friends. No real family. Lost everything at 50. EVERY meal is alone. Started 6 biz in as many years. Something always came along to f* it up. What is there to live for? More of the same? Declining health? Dementia? Fuck it. At least I will still be an attractive corpse. Peering over the edge- getting courage to jump",Suicidal +13078,"Just turned 22, you.S male.So I have really bad c-PTSD. Tons of bullying by male peers and teachers, physical abuse at school and serious bloody batterings at home, psychological abuse, bad relationship between parents that cultivated in an absent father and a drug-addicted mother that either overdosed or killed herself in front of me naked, sexually, physically and mentally abusive 4-year relationship with an older girl, workplace bullying, sexual harassment at concerts, abusive HS principal (suspended me constantly for no reason, dragged me out of class etc.), social ostracization, etc.there is all that, but last year I was $exually assaulted by a friend of 10 years. Afterwards I tried to engage in a playfight because she was angry drunk and no one asked if I was ok and I wanted to lighten the mood. One of her defenders said ""she beat the shit out of you"" verbatim. She punched me in the face like 5 times, left a ton of huge bruises and sprained my elbow. it is on film. After that happened, I blacked out on alcohol for the first time ever. Afterwards I received serious abuse and harassment. People I did not even know were messaging me calling me a psychopath, a liar, someone told me ""if you keep falsely accusing her you will end up in jail and actually get $exually assaulted"" after implying I drove my mother to suicide. it is been going on for a year now, the girl also falsely accused me of r@pe to get out of the situation. Her friends and my at the time friends were sick people. she is popular and clearly I am a doormat and the abuse and gaslighting and event itself just made me lose my fucking marbles for about a year straight and I was in a constant paranoid drunken state. I guess this was just the tipping point for me. I could not handle it and I just lost it and never slept or cleaned my room and quit my job and attempted $uicide.How do I get out of this place? The trauma keeps coming back. it is awful and I feel insane. Am I a bad person or can repetitive trauma and abuse like this make you lose your mind? I am scared. I feel like I am in trauma/depression/insomnia induced psychosis. Anyone relate? Need help",Depression +13079,Would I feel unfulfilled ? What about you peeps? If there were no Happy ending movies,Suicidal +13080,"I do not know what I am hoping to achieve but I have no one to talk to and just want to get some stuff off my chest so I just thought I would post this. I am sick of everything I have fucked my life up and am tired of living everyday doing the same thing and feeling the same way, I was an intelligent kid and now at age 20 I have a shit job in a warehouse were I am at risk of even losing that due to poor performance. I am filled with insecurities which has contributed to my inability to get a girlfriend, I started losing my hair at 16 and as someone who listens to metal having long hair is part of the culture and I cannot even have that.I have got no friends my relationship with my family is awful and I just wish I had never existed. I saw a girl at work who I thought was cute and when I tried to introduce myself I had a genuine anxiety attack before I could say anything and I am pretty sure she has a boyfriend too, even though I had no chance anyway it being a fact just makes me feel worse. I hate myself even though I have tried my best to be a good person and play by the rules its gotten me nowhere. I do not know if I will make it to 25 I cannot imagine continuing to live my life like this. I am so useless I serve no purpose and if I stopped existing people would hardly notice. I doubt anyone is still reading and this was just me shouting into the void. What I have wrote probably does not make sense and is filled with mistakes but I do not care. I just want to be happy and like myself. If I could start from the beginning I would but you only get one chance and I have fucked it. I am just sick of it all. I do not know who I am what my identity is what my purpose is. I am lonely and honestly scared and confused its not fair that I have to live like this despite being a good person at my core.I am lost. To be honest I just cannot get the girl out of my head, this is the first time in my life I have had feelings like this and it is forced me to reflect on myself and try to find what went wrong. It feels like I was born to lose. I am destined to die alone and i do not know how to avoid that fate. Again I doubt anyone is still reading and this probably makes no sense but I thought I would try putting my thoughts into words. Off my chest",Depression +13081,"I think many of you here must have a problem with a family member. Well what I feel is a huge hatred, I will never be able to erase from my memory the things that he already made me, as much as I wanted so much. Just remembering these events my body starts to have spasms of so much anger, my teeth close with a brute force (most of the time I need to to keep punching the air to calm me down). I really did not want to hate my dad, I do not care none of loving him, but I think it is fair not to hate him. I was wondering if any of you have any method to control anger, if you have, please comment. I hate my dad, he makes me want to kill myself",Suicidal +13082,"Since the 2019 may i was studying my university exams really hard. My toxic parents, balding and studying started to torture me mentally since then. I was heavily depressed. I was not even able to eat but i forced myself to study for 8 hours. Losing hair was not helping either. I wanted to commit suicide for three times but i always thought let us see what future will bring me. A month ago i failed at my exams. Now i do not know what to do. I feel crippled. It seems i am not able to live anymore. I am suicidal and I need help",Depression +13083,I am sub-par at everything that I do. Even when I practice really hard to try and Improve I end up worse than when I started. I feel like I have to try really hard just to be average at anything. I have severe work anxiety because I can barely hold a conversation and work colleagues think I am being lazy when I am actually trying my hardest!I feel like every time I manage to take a step forward I just end up two steps back. I cannot find the words to describe how hopeless this makes me feel. Not good enough,Depression +13084,"A lot of the time, my depression just feels like a weight on my chest, always slowing me down, always holding me back. Always stopping me right before I get started. I have learned to live with that, though, and most of the time I can push through it to do what I need to do.But sometimes it gets so fucking frustrating that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I just want to be able to handle situations like everyone else. I just want to be able to use my emotional and physical energy without having to worry about feeling drained from it immediately.it is like, I cannot even THINK about my future without getting this unbearable wave of dread and guilt and exhaustion. All I can say to myself is ""I do not want to do this anymore"" because everything is just too much. I am not cut out for this world and I cannot keep fighting like this forever. it is so fucking hard. Everything is so fucking hard. Every morning, when I wake up from my dreams, it feels like I am stepping back into the real nightmare. I cannot keep doing this every single fucking day for the rest of my life.I just want to fuck off into the woods or something. If I cannot do anything in society, I just want to go be useless in the woods and maybe die out there or something. I hate that people are counting on me and I hate that people love me. I cannot do this anymore, I never asked for any of this, and I want to fucking die. fed up with this",Depression +13085,I like thinking about getting it over. Feel suicidal right now,Suicidal +13086,Currently living in NJ. I moved here to be closer to my fiancee and not have to travel too much. Long story short we own a condominium and the Neighbors above us give us hell. I would been fighting so much I have lost my sense of joy and just have a diminished appetite. All avenues of this situation have done nothing. The management basically said they have enough carpet so just deal with it. This lady stops so hard the lights shakes. I would rather die so she can sue everyone and get the happiness she deserves. I am so distraught. I have not know happiness in a long time.,Suicidal +13087,"First I tried years of meds, then TMS, then ECT, and now ketamine and none of them have worked. What next What next after ketamine infusions?",Depression +13088,Like I am trying to get a job and move out of my parents house but as I try to think about where I want to go like no place interests me. Its like everywhere and everything is boring to me. Nothing excites me. Everything feels to mundane. I talked about this in another post but I have become a very existential person over the last couple of years and its really made me see as a whole how pointless life is even if I achieve my perfect life. Since everything seems pointless I am kind of just bored with everything. Its like I am in a fog waiting for the end.I am not sure what to do about it. Should I even do anything about it since life really is ultimately pointless?? there is no place I really want to be,Depression +13089,"Hi All,I am a 27 year old male and I am soooooooo fkn depressed and down about the state of my teeth. I have just got clean after a 4 year battle with drugs which have thoroughly ruined the majority of my top teeth. I still have my front 2 and 2 on the right but that is it. I am missing 4 at the bottom aswell but they are back ones which do not particularly bother me. Since I have been clean I have tried to upkeep my appearance and have noticed my front 2 teeth are definitely loose. I am petrified they are going to come loose and then I do not know what I will do. Although I am clean I still cannot get a job and am unemployed and I am now worried this will lower my chances even more. I cannot even afford dentures and in Scotland we have the NHS. I am thinking dark thoughts as I cannot imagine being the ""young druggie"" with no teeth. Any advice would be great.Regards,PJ I have ruined my teeth due to years of neglect",Depression +13090,"its been about a year and a half since i started feeling suicidal, i know my situation is not as bad as other peoples, i know my life is not but I am so fucking tired of waking up every morning i cannot do this shit anymore. I am in high school right now, well technically summer school since i basically refused to show up to about a year of school, and omg dude i cannot do this anymore. i just got out of being hospitalized, my third attempt and i cannot help but scream at everyone around me, why do i have to fucking be alive?? i saw another post about doing all the right things and still being depressed, and omg i relate so much, i go out with my friends, try to get a good nights sleep, I have tried to start running again, eating right, I have been to therapy, on my meds practiced my useless fuckibg coping skills and holy shit i feel exactly the same. my friends try to help but i just cannot explain it to them, they are so happy and they have never been through this and fuckkk its like there is nothing tying me here and I am so ready to let go i cannot believe I am still alive",Suicidal +13091,Is there anyway to block search engines from going to the suicidal hotline for researching how to die? This is fucking annoying that I had to even tag a group for posting. Death filters,Suicidal +13092,"Hi guys, I have been taking anti-depressants for a month now. I am going to get vaccinated with a second dose of sinovac next week, do you think I should stop taking them for a while after being vaccinated? Covid-19 vaccine",Depression +13093,Hello.Its all empty. I have been stuck here for a long time. It never seems to get better. We are all stuck here. I hope you find a way out of this hell.All the best to you. Hello,Depression +13094,Why do you want me to stay alive and suffer? What the fuck is wrong with you all? just tell me how to find peace (how to kill myself). I know people see my posts because they get upvoted and you are all fucked up for wanting me to suffer by living you are all selfish assholes for not telling me how to kms,Suicidal +13095,"Half vent, half a genuine question. How would one learn to make a routine to function semi-normally? I have recently overcome one of my most severe depressive episodes, but I feel myself falling back in. I do not know how to function normally. I have tried adding things one by one and scheduling timers for every step of a morning routine but I do not get how people can actually have time in a day to do everything they want. How do people find a balance? I need to get up at around 5:30 in the morning, but I have been falling asleep at 5am for years. I do not know how I can fit brushing my teeth and washing my face and showering and eating and working out and f\*cking everything else into a 1.5 hour period before I have to leave. And once I get home, how do I balance schoolwork and my social life? How do I develop a night routine? Functioning normally is overwhelming. I have 2 weeks to learn how to do it and I feel like the stress is going to set me back further than I already am. How do people make time for everything in a day?",Depression +13096,"I think about suicide every fucking day, I should not have been born. It really does break my heart to say that, but this life are not worth living. Alcohol takes some pain away and I can actually feel good on occasion I like to drink to ease the pain of being ugly",Depression +13097,"It has been a full week of just being in the same house as my boyfriend of almost 8 years. He is mad at me because I lost my job during the pandemic, yet I was on unemployment. Now he apparently hates me so much, so much he cannot even say hello or goodbye to me. I still do the regular housekeeping, wash his work clothes and such. I tried making supper but he would not eat it. So now I tried to tell him to put the bills in his name. He told me to shut up, and whatever. I am so tired of sitting alone all day and then all night. I have been just drinking and taking sleeping pills because it sucks to be awake. I do not know what else to do. I have a job interview Friday and I do not even know if it is worth it. I have been thinking about different things, a rope, pills. Idk. I am lonely but not alone. It sucks being ignored.",Suicidal +13098,"I do not feel like an actual person. Normal people find fulfillment in things and I just do not. I have been taking medication and it does not work, I do not take medication and nothing seems different. I just feel like I am empty. I was sitting here today, wondering what I should be living for, and aside from making sure that no one feels guilty or sad about me leaving, I did not have an answer. I feel like I graduated from college for nothing. I feel like the job I found I got for no reason as I did not feel good about having it and now I am going to lose it because of failing at keeping my grades up. it is weird because I am more upset at the idea of others thinking I am a failure than having actually failed. I did not even want to do all of this in the first place, I just did it because it felt like I was supposed to. I feel like shit that I worked this hard just to do things I never wanted so the people in my life could feel like they did right by me. My whole life is just this big blur and it is a hard pill to swallow, knowing I never truly lived for myself even when I was younger. it is weird how the most important time of our development is spent doing things that do not even matter to us. Well at least to me. I am starting to think I was never normal to begin with. I never did things because it is what I liked, I did them because it was socially acceptable. I did not feel accomplished when I got good grades because it meant I did well, I felt accomplished because someone thought I accomplished something. I continue to accumulate these pieces of paper telling me I did something correct only to stare at it and feel nothing. I mean that is what some of the better jobs think anyway so it makes sense. it is not enough. It means nothing. And then I think, maybe, I did not even have enough willpower to work anyway. I have just been tired from the beginning and waiting for it to all end like a black screen at the end of a movie. And then I will just get up and walk away. Or maybe I will stay seated and it will be a black screen forever.I think ahead sometimes like, ""Oh, well maybe I can find a nice guy, get married, have a kid, maybe travel"" and then I look at everyone around me and see that they have all done it so maybe that is why I want to do it. And then I get this feeling of already having done it because I have seen it done so many times all the way to its finish. I do not even know why I am typing here anymore. I do not even know why part of my brain wants me to keep going when I already know how some things might play out. I do not know why I would want to stick around to see everyone older than me die first. Recently when I think about getting another job it scares me because it just means I am going to another place where everyone else matters except for me again. It will always be for the sake of someone else that I am working. That I am living. Even eating is a chore that I really do not do because it is just so bothersome and annoying. But starving is also annoying because it hurts a lot. But thinking also hurts. I am not even 30 yet and this is how everything feels. it is horrible. It just hurts. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone because depression is this big epidemic that is spreading in every generation. I keep picturing how I am going to kill myself and then I get bored and stare into space. I keep picturing doing something more important with my life and then I get bored and stare into space. This is not a life to live but if I die I am afraid someone is going to miss me. People who feel things that are not sadness should be allowed to feel happy. I just feel so sad and when I am not feeling sad I feel nothing. it is getting kind of dangerous. I am really thinking it is about to happen. I am really about to kill myself. And I cry because I know it is true. I know I do not care anymore. I know they are going to hold some funeral for me where people are going to cry and be upset despite my life being really simple and kind of sad. there is nothing out here for someone like me. Jobs feel wrong, friends feel wrong, sex feels wrong, family feels wrong, it all just feels wrong. I do not think I was supposed to be born.I guess I just wanted someone to know. This will not Make Sense, Sorry",Suicidal +13099,"I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I am 19 and truth is, I have not even started living. I have had problems my whole life, with drugs, porn, weight gain, you name it. I have kept it hidden for so long, even my family think I am fine when really I am not. I just want to end it all. I do not think I can ever recover or make it in this world. I feel constantly in a dissociative state. I am going to go to the doctors tomorrow and try to get some help. I am also quitting porn because it is fucking me up big time. I want to be a photographer and a filmmaker, it is my dream. I just want to be a creative entity and I have a lot to say and ideas to share. My addictions are holding me back though big time and I need to overcome them if I am going to ever succeed. I would love to move abroad and try to get some work, hell I would take some locally, that would probably be my first bet. Although at the moment I need to continue working on my local presence and building up my portfolio. I need to invest in more gear, I am earning this money through working full time as well as selling any of my unwanted shit. Finally, I need to keep studying this art form and build up as much knowledge as I can possibly hold. My memory is terrible because of pron and depression and I feel it affecting my work. I do not feel like living /rant to clear my head",Suicidal +13100,"I have never felt so alone, worthless, unloveable and hopeless in my life. I do not know what to do to feel better. Nothing helps. I hate everything right now. I cannot stop crying. My chest hurts. Why am I the worst person that everyone gets sick of? Help",Depression +13101,"i cannot stop crying, i hate my life so much. i get treated like shit everyday by my siblings and dad, i do not know how much longer i can take. why me goodbye",Depression +13102,if anyone feels like people are mocking you or mocking others for looking 'miserable' or looking 'sad' all the time. do not listen to them.your feelings are valid just as much as them. also remember as soon as they suddenly feel the way you were feeling they will not be so quick to judge the way you are feeling the next time. you are allowed to be sad/depressed,Depression +13103,"If I do fall asleep, I hope the nightmares do not bother me. I want to sleep now to at least stop being conscious for a couple of hours.",Depression +13104,"I hate my life, my appearance, my family, my ""friends"" and everything. I am no longer wanting to live. I will take my life. I will. I promise myself tonight, that I will. D . I . E",Suicidal +13105,"Yesterday I was disciplining my son and things were not as productive as I had hoped for. I looked for some support from my husband and his response was - Well, you are being annoying so could you stop. While your at it, why do not you get your car and drive into the lake. You would being doing all of us a favor. I know you are on antidepressants and other stuff so we would like for you stop making our lives miserable if you would hurry this along. I responded to my husband- I am notSuicidal, and if I was, why would you tellSomeone who is to drive their car in a lake. I am now concerned my husband is plotting my death - I know that is a bit extreme- but like I said I am not suicidal but I think my husband wants me dead, and if I do turn up dead, I do not want people to think it was me. I understand if this is not the right place for this but I do not know where to turn. I do not have any friends to confide in but I want someone to know if I do turn up dead it was not me. My husband is playing mind games with me .",Suicidal +13106,"Thought checking into the hospital would help but it did nothing. All they did was put me on a horrid medication that gave me a horrifying reaction so I had to stop taking after a week. I was going to go to school this semester, but unfortunately I have to be able to afford the payment for all my classes tomorrow and I am clean out of money. do not have a job, do not have a skill, do not have a future other than being a slave and wishing I could die everyday. I am just an angry, demotivated piece of snot oozing my way down the walls of my room towards the rock bottom. I wish I could find a way to make money off of music but unfortunately that is nigh impossible to do for practically anyone, so that is another dream fucked by the disgusting planet we live on. going to do some research and finally get myself some actual help; by ending my pointless, miserable existence. At this point it seems that is the only help I can stand to gain anymore. My life, and everything I do and try is meaningless. Everything I put effort into fails. Every passion I have fades away. Every love I share is torn apart. I am sick of the rollercoaster, I am sick of losing all the time. No more of this. I am gone. Finding the easiest, most reliable and most painless way I can, and then I am out, fuck this shit.",Suicidal +13107,I would love to hire a hitman to kill me. I feel like it would take some of the hurt away from others if they thought it was not by my own hand.I cannot keep pretending everything is fine for much longer. I just want to die. I do not want to be here.,Depression +13108,"I do not know what it is with me. It just feels like every time I enter a public place a million eyes instantly stare into my soul. I feel like people are always staring at and judging me, even though I know they are not. I know people do not really care, but I just cannot grasp that no matter how hard I try. I do not have any kind of physical disease or look weird, I am ""normal""... but I just cannot handle it. If you cannot tell, I am socially anxious (in real life, I am fine on the internet & online spaces/games) and not the normal kind of anxious, but a genuine feeling of fear. Around what feels like 20% of the time I am perfectly fine around people, I communicate without problem and feel great, but the other 80% I feel like I am going to melt down and explode and I just want to disappear to the clouds.it is especially bad when people around me are messing around and being loud in public spaces, I just wish I could scream into their ear and tell them to shut up, the attention or ""eyes"" is just too much for me. I cannot deal with this anymore. I am becoming more suicidal, but I do not really want to die, I just want this suffering to end. I want a solution that I know I may never find.I do not know what I intend to get out of this post or why I made it, I am just venting I guess. I feel like I cannot go outside anymore",Suicidal +13109,Why is it allowed if I ever kill my self for someone to post it in the internet but dead children and child porn is not allowed? What the fck is this shit. I do not get how hospitals protect young kids by putting a screen between them and the other patients. Apparently children deserve protection but adults are trash. As soon as you are 18 you have to live like a hobo Why cannot I see dead children on gore websites????,Depression +13110,"if you have not noticed the scars on my hips or the fake smile on my lips or the forced laugh that I have adopted or the way i do not care about the things i used to love, then do not you dare stand at my grave and cry.how can you cry for someone that you do not even know? A suicide note",Suicidal +13111,"I am 23, Been dealing with depression since 2016 . But this week I have been feeling lost and have that what is the point mentality more than I normally do and its low key scaring me. I have a wife and good paying job and have everything I need so I should be happy right ? I lost motivation in about everything , I barely been eating too , not bc I am not hungry but because if I eat I get nauseous really do not know what to do , I never seeked help from others so I just want to hear what you guys have to say . Maybe I can feel a little better and not so alone Lost / unmotivated/ alone",Depression +13112,"Worked with a councillor for a while who really helped me with gaining tools to stop my negative thoughts. I have slipped back into them and using these tools is harder now since they do not feel believable. I worked on affirmations, breaking down negative thoughts, roots of low self esteem and positive qualities with her. When I try to go through them now, I just do not believe the positive conclusions I am supposed to make by the end or I get caught up in my documented negative thoughts. Only affirmations seems to work or are believable when I am very depressed. How to make psychotherapy believable?",Depression +13113,lol i tried bye finally heard back from mental health referral after waiting a grueling 2 months but could not get an appointment bc they are barely open with a fucking joke of an appointment window,Suicidal +13114,"I have noticed that talking about my depression and anxiety does not really give me the greatest results. This especially holds true in romantic relationships. I have told just about every woman I have dated I have struggled with mental health and all of those relationships ended. I told them partly because it was all that was on my mind, partly because I wanted comfort, but also a part of me thought I should be honest and transparent about it and that somehow it would be appreciated. I think I have bought into this notion that men should be more vulnerable and talk about their feelings. For a while I legitimately thought whining about my feelings was the right thing to do, despite how dumb that may sound, because no one told me otherwise. I also reasoned that If a woman talked to me about her mental health struggles, that should be an invitation to talk about mine. I had a mental breakdown in front of my current girlfriend. Things are fine now but she told me she does not want me to constantly talk about my anxiety because she also has anxiety and it stresses her out. A few years ago I would have gotten really mad and upset, but I can now understand why that would not be something that a woman would want me to talk about all the time. I said okay that makes sense, and we moved on from there. I genuinely appreciated the feedback, because it was information that was helpful and would allow me to course correct my behavior. After that interaction there was a rough patch but things seem fine now. Every interaction I have had with her since then I have made it a point to be more confident and I sense that she is more attracted to me because of it. I really aspire to not bring up my anxiety and depression to her anymore. I will say one caveat though, if something catastrophic happens Ill talk about it. Some people may say I should just find another woman who understands, but I do not really think a lot of women out there want that out of a man. If I stormed away from her and found someone else to whine to, the same thing might happen. It might even be worse. I think she cares but she does not want to play the role of a therapist.Anyway, I have been reading a lot about personality traits, and the one trait that is not helpful in any situation is neuroticism. All the literature says people who have this trait struggle immensely in romantic relationships, and I believe this would explain my prior struggles. Disconcertingly, its been said that it is almost impossible to change your personality traits, but I am trying to implement tactics that will at least help and I do believe I have made significant progress over the past few years. I just have a long way to go. The thing is, I want to be in a stable romantic relationship, and I am to the point where I would rather just hide my neuroticism and act like a manly, confident man, than allow my neurotic tendencies to be integrated into my interactions with my girlfriend. On the surface this may seem dishonest, but I truly believe the one thing that is causing me trouble in relationships is my neuroticism. If I can keep that at bay while continuing to work on improving by myself, that is what I intend to do. I really do not but this vulnerability crap anymore. I just do not believe women are attracted to it. Maybe if its done tactfully its okay, but when you are at a really low spot its very difficult to do that. I really think my only solution towards a long term relationship is to suck it up and be a man. I know this sounds inauthentic but I really do not want to be an old lonely guy in my 60s or 70s with no wife, kids, or family. If displaying my neuroticism leads to that outcome, I will gladly suppress it all day long. On a side note, I believe that the fact that I can avoid showing my neuroticism is an indication that I am improving. In the past I would not have been able to hide it no matter hard I would try. I am absolutely committed to doing everything I can to improve my mental health from here on out, despite how insurmountable it may look. TL;DR I am willing to hide my mental health issues in order to have a relationship. Talking about my depression causes bad outcomes in relationships",Depression +13115,"Simply cannot continue to live anymore, if any of you know a quick and painless way that is cheap and affordable, let me know please and thank you Easy suicide methods that are quick",Suicidal +13116,I think I am going to kill myself soon because I cannot deal with this loneliness anymore. I do not even care about sex really I just want someone to hug me and mean it really. I am going to die as a lonely 27 year old virgin.,Suicidal +13117,"I am not really sure if this is normal or what, but literally all I can ever seem to think about is how useless I am. I think it is slowly making me go crazy, or something. I am already so insecure and all the people around me seem to be so much more intelligent than I am. I used to be smart, but around a few years ago, everything just started to feel less and less real, and so I just had much less incentive to care, and so less reasons to find things to think deeply about. Now, all I can think about is how much more everyone else around me has accomplished. I genuinely do not understand how people think normally on a day-to-day basis. Is this normal, and am I just making it a bigger deal than it actually is? Regardless of what I am doing, somehow I always find a way to feel terrible about myself about it. Like, for example, if I am watching a show, I will feel like I am not ""enjoying it right"", and that I am interpreting the show wrong and that I am not enjoying it in the same way everyone else is. I do not know if this is normal or not. I have been like this so long that I do not know anymore All I can think about 24/7 is how useless I am",Depression +13118,"So for the first time, i just started crying for no reason. I do not know if I am crying because I miss my ex gf that broke up with me to be with another guy a few months ago. Or if its because I miss my family in another state that I just left (vacation trip). But I felt felt happy those vacation days. I felt happy drinking alcohol with them. Meeting new people, getting deep talks with everyone.But now that I am back home idk why I feel down. I do not think I am the same person that came back home from that trip. I do not want to believe its depression. It cannot be. Can someone help? Why did I start crying for no reason?",Depression +13119,"53 years of trauma after trauma. Loss after loss. A narcmom who is never once said I love you. Not a single person in this universe loves me. 2 children have been turned against me. Have been trying to get back into therapy for months now but this new organization called mental health co op, gives two shits and I have yet to get a therapist after calling and calling and even threatening to contact the board of directors. Which is a fat lie. I do not have the capacity to do that right now whatsoever. I have been completely isolated in my apartment now for close to 25 years and the word loneliness does not come close to describing the agony. I have literally not ONE reason to go on and I am currently working on my first goodbye letter, to my daughter. Though I am very sure she could give a damn. And now, I have just moved into a new apartment and the new manager already hates me because I have had to call in so many repairs! FFS there were dead maggots in the freezer and she is telling me I have to pay if I want my blinds fixed because I did not notice the cord was broken during inspection! So now SHE hates me too. NO. REASON. To keep pushing myself to breathe another day. Fuck life. cannot anymore",Suicidal +13120,"I was born with a broken brain. I had very severe OCD as a child, which consumed all of my thoughts and made me very depressed and ruined my childhood. I showed signs of depression when I was six. I remember not wanting to live when I was *six-years-old*. How fucked up is that? This of course continued throughout my teen years. Lots of OCD symptoms were gone (some still remain) but the depression and anxiety just got worse. Same thing as an adult. I am 29 now, and I do not know how much longer I can go on. The last three years of my life have been hell. A lot of things have happened that I had no control over. My love life has never been great. Finally, I met the man of my dreams four months before the pandemic. Long story short, the pandemic complicated a lot of things, he broke up with me, we had to live together for a month after and he turned into a different person during that time. It was shocking. He was so *mean* to me. I just tried to stay out of the way and not be a burden. He never apologized and continues to break my heart in many different ways. Whenever I try to explain this situation to anyone, I always get a lot of ""tough love"" and harsh comments that just do not help and they make things worse. I do not need coddling, but I have gone through every scenario in my head while lying awake at night. Those comments are things I have already said to myself a million times and I do not need someone else saying them to me too. People also think the relationship thing is trivial. It is, but to me, it is not. Some people's life goal is to have the career they want. My goal is to find a loving partner to share life with. I am fine with my career right now. I think both goals should be respected, but often times, my goal is not. that is far from the only thing. I have PMDD, which makes me suicidal before my period. A lot of deaths of people close to me have happened. I have had issues with unstable housing (landlords selling and kicking me out). My catalytic converter was stolen and it cost 3k. I even saw part of the theft while walking to my car. There is so much more, but I do not want to bore anyone. Something happened recently and my friend was like ""Why are not you freaking out?"" and it was because I was just used to bad things happening to me. Even my therapist was like ""Wow, that is a lot of stuff in a short amount of time"" (there are a lot of things I have not listed in this post). I know many people have it a lot worse than me. For some reason, my mom likes to bring that up to ""cheer"" me up but it just makes it worse. I do not want other people to suffer and it makes me sad to hear about their suffering. It seems like all there is is bad news in the world. I have tried to be proactive about reading positive things, but honestly, there is not a lot. My job involves reading and writing about real murders all day. I love my job and I am happy to have it, but this takes it is emotional toll too. But it is really not about how many bad things happen to me, it is the fact that no matter how hard I try, my brain cannot react in the correct way. Things gnaw at me that a ""normal"" person can cope with and handle. The PMDD makes it so I cannot see ANY goodness at all. I am blinded by sadness and anger. I have tried to fight it, but my hormones are stronger than me. I try so hard to fix myself--I see a therapist regularly and I take the medication I have been prescribed dutifully, but for some reason, my brain just cannot make me feel good. I get accused a lot of not trying to be happy. I wish they knew how hard I have tried every single day. The PMDD also makes me extremely suicidal. For a week every month, I am in a war with my mind. I try to fight against the urge to do it. But every month I feel like I am getting weaker and weaker, and I am afraid my mind is going to win soon. This post is all over the place, sorry. I am not sure I can keep doing this.",Suicidal +13121,"I just recently attempted suicide, by a car crash on may 2nd. And I am so disappointed I stayed alive I so wish I had died. (I got a tbi and a titanium plate put in my foot) I was thinking I wanted to try again immediately (as soon as I get my license back to go walk in front a truck driving on the highway) but I just put my family through a lot, them knowing I attempted suicide, and I do not want to survive again and make my family pay big bills for my injuries (at least with my car crash we got good ass car insurance) and my family might be going to wdw together, so I am kind of excited for that (because I love traveling with that one side of my family) also some people have not officially said yes to it yet, so if they say yes then I think I will wait another year, if they say no, come September/october ish I will hopefully be gone. One more year",Suicidal +13122,"I have typically always been one who can dish and take jokes and things with my friends. Recently, I have felt as if I am taking things in a personal manner. Not the context of the joke or comment but the repetition. It has allowed me to almost feel guilt for things that are not true or legitimate. I do not know how to tell my friends that its negatively affecting my mental health, because I do not want to seem like a victim and have them assume I am too sensitive to jokes or comments that are not necessarily harsh, but at the same time, its exhausting me mentally and physically in ways that I cannot explain. I hope this post makes sense to someone. Has anybody experienced anything similar, if so, how have things went since in your relationships? Not sure how to face the feelings I am dealing",Depression +13123,"i was severely depressed from 2017-2020. almost killed myself but i got help, went to therapy, took pills, tried to work myself up and it was going so good. by new year 2020 i felt like my life was on the up, i was in good shape and things were looking up for me. a year and a half later, I am so far gone from the progress i made. its all gone. I have pretty much lost my will to live at this point. everything feels pointless, i feel empty and numb. not really sure what the point of this post even is, but i just feel like i have no one to talk to and i need to empty these thoughts somewhere somehow before they eat me alive. help",Suicidal +13124,A ton of people in my life look up to me and I do not know why. there is nothing special about me. I just want to die without feeling guilty about leaving so many people without a sense of direction. Why do I have to be the one to feel morally responsible for your fucking lives!?! Why cannot I just fucking kill myself already?! I hate being the person that people look up to,Suicidal +13125,I wanted to do it myself but I chickened out. I hate myself for that. I do not feel i will have strenght to do it now or in foreseeable future. I want to be fucking dead but i cannot even have that. Somebody just kill me already and get it over with,Suicidal +13126,"Today I felt overwhelmed then suicidal and bc I could not do it myself I tried that but did not work eitherThey just honked and go around me, I understand now that nobody wants that kind of memory, I am sorryI went walking after the cars did not want to hit me and after 3 hours of crying and screaming I felt less suicidal but still very depressed and numbI talked to the only person who I care about and I promised to work on my shit... Or at least talk to himBut honestly is not that easy, sometimes it does not matter how much I want it or i know is good for me I JUST cannot my body does not moveThere's not even nothing too bad happening around me BUT STILL I JUST FEEL OVERWHELMING PAIN, FRUSTRATION AND SADNESS OR SOMETIMES EVEN NOTHING AT ALLI need helpIt's been like this all my life, i though when I were in a better place and situation this would go awayAnd for some time it was or i thoughtThere was horrible things happening to me in my daily life but now I am in a very okay situation and I even have things I wanted to haveBut nothing helpsI'm barely happy or even Okey OR EVEN HERE BC I ZONE OUT SO MUCH I do not EVEN FEEL REAL ANYMORE So today I tried to get hit by a car",Suicidal +13127,1: Rope2: Drown with dumbbell3:Carbon Monoxide Best method of these 3?,Suicidal +13128,I have been doing well for the past few weeks but today is just very dark to me. there is nobody to talk to and I thought I would just go here to vent out my emotions. it is 11:30 am as of this writing and I am absolutely struggling to get out of my bed. that is all I hope you all have a good day. Darkness today,Depression +13129,"I am saying goodbye to my family tomorrow. I have been relentlessly beaten down over this last year. Deported from my home country of USA. then my wife left me, grandma died and same day, house burnt down and I lost everything. I do not have it left in me to try and fix my life anymore.i do not have anyone that really cares, they just see me as a junkie regardless if I am clean or not now. I want to say it does get better, but it does not always. Saying goodbye.",Depression +13130,what is some hardcore shit I can Od on? Overdose,Suicidal +13131,"I hate that my life has become about surviving ... while everyone else including my ex boyfriend who put me in this position all get to enjoy this summer.... I will not kill myself... I have fucked up and hurt myself but I would never commit suicide. But everyday I do cry as soon as I wake up because I wish I had not woken up, and I always imagine horrible things like "" what if that car would hit me "" .... or "" what if I died in my sleep "".... the idea of being away from this existence is a relief. Because I am emptionally and physically drained . When I tried to reach out to my ex boyfriends during the nasty and cruel break up , he basically laughed and mocked me . I do not understand and I just do not want to feel this way anymore. But its not getting better . I have lost everything I valued the most Any advice or kind words would mean alot I do not want to kill myself but everyday I wish something bad would happen to me",Suicidal +13132,There are people who care about me and my well being and would hate to see me die but for some reason do not care what my death would do to them. Do lives really matter in the end though? will not we eventually all just drift away? I feel selfish for wanting to die,Suicidal +13133,Why is it telling me I am not allowed to post here?? Why,Suicidal +13134,"I feel like social media has left me like this, I was exposed to it at a young age and ever since then I feel like there is people out there who want to see me dead. Life is just going so fast and I am not going with it. The only thing that has stopped me from taking my life is not knowing what happens after. I tried to take my own life when I was about twelve, I took all my sleeping tablets and hoped for the best, nothing happened. I am slowly just trying to end it, just so I cannot back out just before. I have been drinking every night, hoping Ill end up having a heart attack or something. I am only 15, but I have made my mind up. I do not know what is next.",Suicidal +13135,"there is a voice in my head that I can hear constantly just repeating the phrase ""just kill yourself"" everyday constantly. I am I finally caving in? Or am I really destined to end my life so soonm My subconscious has been telling me to just kill myself constantly",Suicidal +13136,"I used to be really scared of dying. My mother always told me suicide would lead you to hell and shit and I believed her and I still do even though I am not religious. I think anything is better then living in this world now. Now it is just a matter of time before I let death take the wheel and just let myself go for ggo. When that is, I do not know but I am sure it will happen at some point. I have gotten over my fear of death",Suicidal +13137,"I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since is was 8 years old. To be honest its all because of my abusive parents. A few hours ago they were cursing my name, hitting/punching me and spitting at me. They say that I am the reason of their misery and that they hate their lifes because of me. I am a 15 year old girl who tries her best in achieving everything they ask me to do. I hate my life because of my parents. Nothing is ever good enough and I think a lot about ending my life. I told my friend about my thoughts but she did not care. I wish somebody understood me and helped me through this without judging me. The worst thing is that I am always smiling and hiding my pain. I want to make people laugh and smile, that is my only source of happiness. I wish someone could make me happy and genuinely smile without thinking about suicide. I hope I will attend that day. My only wish is to be free, happy and never have to remember this pain. Suicidal thoughts on a daily base",Suicidal +13138,"To be fair, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for years now. But having come home from university today, with money problems already appearing out of nowhere and the knowledge that finding a job that relates to my degree will be incredibly difficult I just do not know what to do. I have a post-graduate degree lined up, but funding for that is going to be incredibly tough, and I just do not know if I can be bothered enough to work for it. You always get told as a kid get a good degree, then you will get a good job and be happy, but its all lies. Maybe I am just too lazy for this world. I graduated with a first class engineering degree. Now I want to die.",Suicidal +13139,having a crisis rn and all my dad did was guilt trip me about being sad during his dinner and ruining his birthday and guilt tripped me over feeling suicidal and having attempted once before and said I am choosing to live my life this way and I am choosing to be miserable fucking done,Suicidal +13140,"I have been in the hospital twice this year and while I may not be suicidal any longer, I still hate life. I do not enjoy the things I once did. Every day is a burden and I cannot wait until I get to sleep at night. Sleep is the only thing I look forward to. I hate being awake",Depression +13141,"All of my friends has girlfriends, friends or a great career. Everybody I know is happy about them self, or look like a ""normal"" person with the availability to do what they would like (as far as I know).I am always the last loser not to have gained anything in my life. My condition is rare Klippel Feil syndrome, and apparently I was the chosen one. it is now the last week of my holiday, and I promised myself to somehow exit out of my misrable, limited, laughable, hated life.What I really just would like is to be normal, and stop my pain. it is never going to happen, it is just the way it is. I lost to life.Just wanted somebody to know before its all over... I lost, Life won- I guess.",Suicidal +13142,"Please help. For years I was in a severe depression and in the last few months I have been making a great recovery, even to the point that I felt okay trying to apply for jobs. This recent interview I scheduled last week while I was depressed thinking it was just an off day and I would feel better by the time of the interview.Now the interview is tomorrow. I do NOT feel better and I am concerned I am not even ready to work again. The interview is over an hour away, I am not even sure if the job knows I am not close in distance, and I feel like why would I go to an interview when I do not even want to try to get the job? I have gone to interviews in the past to force myself and the interviewers clearly could see through how unenthusiastic I was and I was so incredibly awkward I could not even think of anything to say.I do not know what to do. I am so nervous and I feel incredibly pressured like I absolutely HAVE to do this interview. And its making me feel like I need to purposely hurt myself or make myself sick (or worse) in order to justify not going. Depression came back and now I do not feel able to attend a previously scheduled interview.",Depression +13143,"I am tired of fighting this wretched disease Tired of crying everydayFeeling like a void of existence just barely present in this world for the sake of existing An empty she will of what used to be Unsavable, beyond redemption A thread of sanity and hope snapped long agoI'm free falling into the abyss of despair and to the point of no return Alone in complete darkness Where memories goes to die This vast emptiness consumes me and I am being digested in its belly and being metabolised for energy for the parasites living within Everything part of me, my personality, my hopes and dreams, my identity in the world Used as food for the selfish Nothing in this world could fill what has been taken from me But i keep giving for that is the only thing i can retain Until i could give no more What is living if there is no meaning is the clich But what is life without living when you are not a human anymore (A walking empty void of existence)The only thing that is stopping me is death itself And death is the essence of life and the meaning of being So am i only living if I am dying? I want to end this infinity loop of suffering The pain of keeping the body alive for the sake of being just there is exscruciating And the pain never stopTill I drop .",Depression +13144,hello! my name is ang and I am 16 years old. I have been struggling with my battle of anxiety and depression for quite a long time now. right now I am going through a rough period of not being able to get out of bed and just sleeping and crying. to me i feel the meaning of life is so pointless and the point of human life is dumb. i miss being able to feel something. i feel so lost. idk how to release my pain. I am trying not to do something dumb but at this point i feel there is no point for me to be here. any sort of comment is appreciated :) thanks Lost in Life,Suicidal +13145,"Its been on my mind for a while. I have the pills ready, I am doing it tonight. I am going to do it tonight",Suicidal +13146,"My life is a mess, a real stinking mess of anxiety, stress, tension, feeling inferior, self-loathing, and a lot of shame, that would be bad enough for a 13-year-old boy but it is way worse when you keep trying to clean it up but cannot you cannot after you are distracted by the millions of tasks getting thrown at you. Whenever I encounter a new problem I usually write down what happened on paper, underline the key details of what happened, then write a to-do list of what I can do against those key details so they do not happen again. The only problem is that while I am doing the checklist it takes forever and most of the time I get sucked into my little brother's room when he is calling my name to play toys with him, Then I will just forget about the checklist until the whole days over and I realize I did not do it, then I will check it in my dresser to do tomorrow and forget about it tomorrow as well. I have tried having a talk with myself but that just makes me write down things from the self-talk and make another checklist. Not to mention my family is a mess too since my mom is in credit card debt and I cannot cheer them up so now I blame myself for being too weak to make my loved ones happy. Now I am considering getting rid of the source of the mess and since the source is me, the only way is to kill this miserable trash that I call me, correct me if I am wrong I am only 13 but my life is still a fucking mess and I cannot clean it up",Suicidal +13147,I have been taking medicine for little over a month and so far the only significant change i have noticed is that its a little easier to fall asleep. But other than that i feel as awful as always i do not know how to take it. And my psychiatrist got sick so the next visit is after like a month i just feel like I am taking pills for no reason. I honestly did not expect much i do not believe medicine can help much anyway... Has medicine done anything for anyone,Depression +13148,"I stood atop a condo balcony to think to myself whether it seemed like something I could mentally go through with, but damn that is scary... I do not have access to weapons and cutting wrists seems like a miserable way to go out. that leaves overdose, which I imagine would be the best way to go. I threw away all my drugs when i became sober though and I am wondering if anyone would know what drug would be the most pleasant to go out with? in the time it would take for me to get it I will have made up my mind one way or another i guess. I have thought about everything I might miss in the future, I wanted to travel everywhere and see as much as i could before my time was up but tbh, my drive has been teetering on empty for a long time now. i could give my miserable life story but i doubt anyone would care for that, I have wallowed in enough self pity I am surprised i have not drowned, or that my heart has not given out. i cannot eat solid foods without gagging, I am sleep deprived, i have nowhere to go, i have no real friends, my gf of 4 years left me for her co-worker, I am an anxious mess. I just realized i said i would not tell my life story but there I go again, poor o'l me. I am scared of death but I do not want to keep on living",Suicidal +13149,"I have been dealing with depression for the past almost 2 years pretty much. I have only been diagnosed with it for a month now since I started seeing a psychologist. In the first weeks I was starting to improve, but now I feel like its coming back. I feel like this is not working. I have been having a lack of passion for the stuff I used to enjoy, irritability, thoughts of: worthlessness, low self esteem,guilt, suicide. I had hope that this will help me, I have been putting efort into rebuilding my life but its just does not seem to work. All of this started from a toxic environment I was in 2018-2019, with my former best friend, who became the person that tormented me the most. I was beated, I was threatened with death multiple times and always tried to make me feel inferior. I broke all ties in late 2019. I still have nightmares of this guy punching me into a wall and choking the life out of me.I have no social life. With almost every friendship I had,it was one sided, due to the other person thinking I could be easily manipulated.I am genuinely scared of other people, there is always like a barrier between them and me.Genuinely fuck all of this, and I do not see any solution. Fuck this",Depression +13150,"tw// eating disorder? not sure if it is or if the tw is needed but just in caseI think this will be all over the place as I am still not sure if it makes sense and am just wrapping my head around it, but I will try. Okay, so I always loved eating, it was a big source of comfort and joy ever since I was a kid (20s now). When I was 18 or 19 (when I started college and started spending more time with my peers as I moved into a new city) I started realizing that I might have an unhealthy relationship with food, as I was binge eating on the daily basis and just started seeing that people around me do not consume the food the way I do, like for example they would stop eating when full. By that point I had always just assumed that everyone ate enormous quantities of food and that it is normal for food to play such a crucial role in ones life.I was also and still am heavily depressed throughout all these years and around the time the first lockdowns were happening last year (early 2020) I realized I was getting high so I can eat more/open up my apatite. I know that it probably started way earlier (I started smoking when I was a freshmen in HS) but that is the first time I noticed the direct link. I mostly eat junk food, such as hamburgers, chips, ice cream basically all the crap you can think of. At some point I ate melted chocolate and canned cream for breakfast. I am pretty sure I gained 60 or 65lbs since I left my hometown which then in return directly makes my depression even worse. So I have been feeling like I am trapped in a vicious cycle for a while now.A couple of months ago I started having days, sometimes multiple in a row, where I would not eat at all or crave any food. I would just feel nauseous by the mere thought of eating anything. There are still days when I binge eat but I feel disgusted and nauseous by the food and the act itself while it is happening whereas before I enjoyed it. Even when I am having a regular-sized meal I sometimes feel disgusted. I was walking around the supermarket today and realized I had not eaten anything in 2 days and that I have no cravings whatsoever. So, I do not know where to go from here? Is this a good thing, that I am disgusted by binge eating (I still do it tho)? Is the feeling of nausea coming from the junk food or is this an eating problem or am I just getting older and not being able to eat as much as I used to and the crap I used to? I know the obvious answer is seek professional help but I would like to hear any thoughts or advice that you might have as I am not even sure what is happening.To anyone that has taken their time to read this, thank you I am disgusted by food",Depression +13151,"So yeh. Basically that. I feel like a shadow of who I was prior to the bad things that happened to me with the man I love..... I feel like a she will with a heartbeat :( every feeling and thought is something that hurts. Or I just fall into the pit of not even being able to accept that this is my life, I will lay in bed and I cannot even explain it - I detach from myself and stare into space for even a minute of peace... . Its only brief though because reality always pops into my head again, My heartbeat reminds me I am alive but its a shame really because I am not exactly living my life anymore. Just sort of surviving it . And I do not want it to be that way . I wanted so badly for this summer to be a happy one, it should have been special but yeh. I do not know anymore I think my heartbeat is the only thing that reminds me I am alive",Depression +13152,Today is my birthday. it is also the anniversary of when a search and rescue team gave up searching for my missing brother. Someone eventually found his body four months later. I hate my birthday because I only think about my parents' grief and how traumatic the experience has been for my family all day long. it is been eight years now. I wish I was never born I wish I did not exist,Depression +13153,"I feel like I remember almost everything that has happened in the 14 years of my life, even super small things. And looking back on everything just makes me realise how miserable my life really was, I have realised how shitty my family was and also all things I have missed out on in life that all my (ex) friends got to experience. Looking back on everything makes me feel so weird and life feels so alien to me now. Its like a feeling of nostalgia but in such a depressing, ugly, gross form. Its also making me feel conflicted, as if I do not know who I am or have been, nor what I want. I cannot even tell if I want to be happy or not. It also feels like my life is flashing before my eyes and that my life is coming to an end soon. At the same time I have been having anxiety of the world ending and being apart from the person I love, but I am not sure if the two are connected. Either way I am thinking so much about life and death right nowI've tried looking for answers but I have not gotten any. I do not understand any of this, I am 14 and I have been depressed since I was 10 but I have never experienced something this low before. I cannot tell if its an existential crisis or not but it is so fucking depressing my lord. For some reason this only happens during the day but at night I feel kind of okay about it. idk I have been feeling so reflective on my life recently",Depression +13154,"I open my eyes. 7:45 AM. it is time to get up. I wash my hands. I wash my face. I am hungry. The fridge is full of spider web. The wind is blowing in there. There is a pile of bills on the table. I hear a quarrel. it is my mother, talking on the phone. I listen closely. It seems my father has no intent on paying the alimony. My mother cannot work - health issues. We will not be able to make ends meet. I need to consume my scholarship again. I will call the dentist at 9 to quit my appointment. Classic.I open my eyes. The online university is about to go down. Here comes the autumn. I need to keep my grades up at the top. I will lose my scholarship and my dorm otherwise. it is already life-draining, but not enough. I need to start looking for a job. There is no other way I will survive moving out of my town.I open my eyes. There is a mirror. I am naked. I can see the acne dominating my face, my body. There is no panicking and no stress into getting rid of it. The scars and deformities already took everything. Is that Peyronie's disease? What about my broken tooth? Oh no, anyways. I open my eyes. I got one message. it is one of my colleagues. A differential equation is not working out. The dopamine is rising up in my brain. I am being needed. My existence matters for a moment. I am never wanted, so this is the best I can get. I solved it. She thanked me. I am no longer needed. I am now lonely. I open my eyes. I am a man. I can only like other men. I am an abomination - for my ""family"", for my ""friends"", for my colleagues, for my country, probably for the reader. I am protected tho. There is a wall between me and their hatred - my ability to hinder. Is it actually an ability? The idea of a partner is more than unrealistic. Looks do not matter, but no one wants a beast outside a tale. Personality is more important, but what is it expected for someone who grew chained up. I open my eyes. it is completely dark. I am about to go to sleep. That will not happen soon. I am thinking. I am about to finish college. I am about to break the poverty chain. My career is the only thing that went right in my life. Will I be able to start over? I am afraid. I do not want my last hope to let me down. I feel like I have lost too much in life. I feel like a second-grader at NASA. One that is expected to learn everything just by hanging around. Seems so easy for my scientist advisers, so hard for me. What about the thing about me that I cannot change? What if I will not be able to start over? Damn, thanatophobia - my savior and pain. The Lament of a Throwaway",Suicidal +13155,"What do you do against the feeling of void? At times I feel like I have no purpose In life, no one really likes me and there is just this emptiness in me. I mostly try to drink to sleep sometime and the next day its not as bad as at the evening before. Been to therapy, took pills, tried to work out, got a GF ... void is still there The Void",Depression +13156,"Fuck me. I have a lot of anger in me. I am not at that point where I hate women and think I am owed sex but still. Being a virgin really. I want to rip my ugly ass face off and drop kick anyone who says no one is ugly. Bull shit. I have been ugly my whole life and you fucks invalidate me, I have been a social reject and undesirable af. I used to not be this angry. I usually am just a calm quiet guy. But christ it pisses me off how ugly and undesirable I am. Depression takes my soul and spits it out. Many days I often want to just go hang myself or kill myself. I am so fucking done with life. All the self improvement never pays off. I do not even feel human. Thinking about suicide gives me pleasure. More pleasure than pleasuring myself. FML Suicidal over being ugly, virgin, depressed, undesirable",Depression +13157,looking for 90+ rated players for our pro clubs team. message iix robz xii on xbox. FIFA recruitment,Depression +13158,"i cannot do anything. the house smells like dog vomit, there is trash everywhere, dirty dishes in the sink. its making me feel guilty, but all I can do is lie here and cry. i just want to disintegrate into nothingness, go to sleep forever. i just want to go to sleep for a long time",Depression +13159,"I just cannot fucking do it man. I cannot fucking do it. it is not 'playtime's over,' playtime's been over. I am 21, going into a senior year of college abroad (if I can even still get the necessary paperwork in I put off), i constantly think I am dying due to a medical problem that is either a cancer I have put off for so long it is at the deadly point or an easily treatable infection depending on my attitude. I bounce back and forth between unfounded optimism about myself and my future and deep, crippling depression all while a fearsome anxiety immediately marks me as an immature fucker to anyone I talk to, especially authority figures. I do not have savings, in fact I am in debt not even counting soon-to-be crippling student loans. I have wasted my time on boozing or weed benders just to feel something because when I do not I cannot escape the suicidal thoughts. My family all think it but do not have the balls to say it to me. I cannot even take the bare minimum fucking steps of medical/dental appointments. I am still plagued by the fallout of my mom turning from a quirky hippie chick into a schizo methhead, and my subsequent fall from a bright kid going to the stem school and winning chess tournaments into a useless stoner fucker who cannot function in society.it is enough to want to just lay down and fucking rot. Why the fuck do i have to experience these deep, dark, depressions. I used to think it was loneliness. Then I thought it was fallout from my childhood. Then I thought it was something I could fix with some concerted effort. I neglected to realize the problem is me: I am now the /you/Iquoterelevantsongs who used to be able to make a concerted effort. Now I am just a broken she will of a motherfucker, and I am tired of maintaining this fucking husk. If I could go back and look through every throwaway and every main post I have made in times of crisis I would have something to do besides wanting to die",Suicidal +13160,"i.e. not having friends, not going a lot of places, not having many hobbiesSeems like more of a concern for the other people in my life than it is for me. I am happy just to be able to wake up in the morning and perform basic functions and go to work and shit. I do not need to thrive. I have already exceeded my own expectations of where I thought I was going to be at age 23. Just the fact that I have not offed myself feels like a massive accomplishment, and yet people who have not been clinically diagnosed with any mental illness feel like it is their place to tell me how to live my life. It fucks me off, quite honestly. Just leave me alone. If I was going to do something to myself I would have done it by now. You do not have to be so goddamn worried. When things that are normal for you become too much of a problem for other people",Depression +13161,let me die pls i want to overdose ffs,Suicidal +13162,"I am 40 years old. All my life I have had the ones I love taken from me and it just keeps happening.I shut myself down for years after losing my daughters all because I refused to take my ex back after she cheated on me with some guy from her work while I was raising our kids.I recently met an amazing woman, a truly kind and gentle soul. Against my better Judgement I let them in. I struggled to trust anyone after what my ex did, I had to, well I felt like I had to keep everyone at arms length to protect myself. but I trusted this one, I let my guard down.Now someone who is in her life that has tormented and betrayed her and left her isolated - has demanded she isolate herself. She did so without question.I have had people suddenly disappear on me before and not cared. After losing my daughters, anything less than something that bad has not hurt at all. Why is this time hurting so much.Its my fault. All of this is. I must be an absolute monster to keep deserving this pain and isolation. I am so very sick of being broken and alone.I am so very sick of... All of this. I am so sick and tired of having the people I care about being taken from me.",Suicidal +13163,it has been seven months since i had to say goodbye to my dogs. they are alive and well but i do not think i will ever be able to see them again. everyone always tells you that the grief goes away but i still break down every time i think about them. i have a big stack of pictures i have not touched in months because they rip my heart outloss is forever and the sadness stays forever too. i do not think life is worth living without them. they kept me alive when i wanted to die and now I am all alone grief,Suicidal +13164,"Monday night things got hard so I ODd, been at the hospital pretty much until I snuck out to try again today wanted to sneak stuff in so I could try once more but the nurses found them. Told them I was going for a smoke once they started letting me go out on my own. Had a lot of conversations but I still have not changed my mind, is that weird? tried twice in the last 3 days.",Suicidal +13165,What an amazing life Next day of hating myself&next evening spend drinking.,Suicidal +13166,"do not really feel in control of myself at the moment. I hung a belt in my closet and leaned into it - partial-suspension-style. I do not think I intended to kill myself, it was sort of an impulse thing to see if it would work for future reference. But then I fully clocked out mentally and just stayed there, suffocating until I finally snapped out of it when my vision went fuzzy and I felt myself passing out. I do not know if I am bad enough to go to the hospital since I did not really intend on killing myself, but I just feel so wrong and out of it and I am scared. Should I go to the hospital?",Suicidal +13167,"these could probably be the last days of my life, the suicidal thoughts are so constant now. it is so exhausting thinking about ending your life almost all the time. I do not even have an excuse for all this, i have a good life, good family, no trauma. i do not know why my brain decides to be like this. I am always so exhausted, i do not have any motivation left within me. i have not been able to properly do school for a year now, but today my teacher decided to give me time to sort of try and fix my mental health. but i feel like an absolute failure, i am so weak. there is so many people who have it worse than me but here i am wanting to end my life for no reason. i am thinking about overdosing soon. i am a waste of air i do not belong here. funny thing is, my pets are lowkey stopping me from doing this, i feel guilty but my thought are over powering me. i do not know anymore",Suicidal +13168,"Part of the time I feel okay, or even good but then the other part I feel like fucking shit. I am scared of almost everything. Some of the only things that did not give me anxiety now gives me anxiety and I hate it so much. I should not have to feel like this. I want to be normal, or I want to not exist. I do not want to die because I do not want to feel pain even for only a few seconds. I also do not want to hurt the people I love, especially the other people going through something. I need help. But I do not know how to ask for help. I do not want to live but I do not want to die.",Suicidal +13169,"Hi, I am a teenager. I have been recently really struggling. I feel alone and I feel like there is no one out there that I can count on. I really feel like giving up and it is so hard to tell myself to wake up everyday and stay alive. My parents make me feel like shit and they degrade me constantly. My brother never listens to me. I have no real friends, they never keep in touch with me and they never really care about me. I really want to be loved by someone and not cry myself to sleep every night. I try my best, but it is never enough. When will I finally be enough for somebody? When can I wake up one day and feel good, not stressed and just feel like everything is ok? Everyone that I ever let in never wanted me and none of my troubles. How much does it take to not be lonely and feel good about yourself? I Am Feeling Really Alone",Depression +13170,"I was asked by a friend, ""why have you been so rude lately"" a few months ago. October 23, 2020. &#x200B;At 12, midnight, I responded with, ""There really is not a straight answer to that question, If I told you, you would probably say I am faking it. I have this thing that feels like a disease, and it turns my positive switches off. It was not always like this though. I was nice, sometimes being too nice to the point I agree with everyone else's opinions no matter what it was. I thought when people were mean it meant they chose to be. But now that you ask I realize it might not be the only reason. I had little to no patience for anything. I lived in a constant state of anxiety and worry. When I engaged in conversation I felt like people found me annoying, and boring. I insulted them and a majority of the time gave them a passive-aggressive excuse for distancing myself from them. Thing is, I did not plan on being rude, it just happened. In the moment."" &#x200B;Jesus Christ did not realize it was that long. Now that I am taking a good look at it I was right back then. I relate to that so much. Of course, I said it myself. I just thought I must have learned that from watching something, and applied it to myself because I related. But I tried to copy and paste it, but those are my words.I do not remember ever feeling so strongly. Maybe I blocked it out of my mind to distract myself. If so, good job me. It worked. But I found those messages again and it has me thinking. How do you stop being mean to people?Just now, not even like 30 mins ago I asked reddit ""what is the best excuse to get out of working with someone"" . I am alone. But I am doing this to myselfIts been however long and I am doing the same damn thin&#x200B;&#x200B;Its a goddamn loop, and its fucking annoying, as I type this I am slamming on the keys because it pisses me off so damn much. I wish I could kill it or something, How do you stop being mean to people?",Depression +13171,"I just turned 22 and I am contemplating my suicide. I have never been really happy in my entire life. I had to grow up with verbally and emotionally abusive parents that should have divorced years ago but never did and in the meantime they dragged everyone down. I hate my mother, she is a narcissistic huge cunt. I despise my dad, he is weak and absent.I hate my aggressive and physically abusive siblings. I absolutely hate hate hate my abusive, manipulative, lying, sadistic ex bf. He taught me the true meaning of the word hate. I hate my life, I hate my awfully scarred body, I hate my chaotic paranoid mind. I go to therapy but I stopped taking meds and I am slowly relapsing. Sometimes I put up a mask and I tried to enjoy life, the only peaceful moments are when I am alone, lost in silent places away from everybody else. I had those moments and I hold on to them, but it is not enough. I want to die, to end my miserable lonely existence. My long distance best friend is the only one who wished me happy birthday, she remembered. Tomorrow I will have to put that fucking smiling mask and live another day if I do not end it now. I am scared, but I have been here before. I made 5 ""official"" suicide attempts so far, and countless times that I was just about to end it but I stopped myself for stupid reasons. I am about to slice my throat open with a long exacto knife.I will always be 22 years old Happy mf birthday to me",Suicidal +13172,"pretty much the title, life is garbage. I do not see the meaning or worth, sorry. I cannot to do this anymore. I am almost 21 and all my life I have been judged, and treated like shit. I have been isolated and isolated myself for three years after highschool. So now I am 20 and I do not know what to do with my life. I wish I had more responsible parents who cared about me and the fact the I was being judged and bullied in school and did something about it. And I wish they took me to therapy before and not just now(when my life is almost ruined). If they did care at least a lil bit before and took me to the terapist I would have been better by now. And have my life in order, and be okay. But now I am wayyy far into depression and do not know what to do more than going to the terapist and get better for now. But fuck, I feel old as fuck and like my life is ruined and I have no salvation. Shit",Depression +13173,"Yesterday we broke up. After months of battling with my OCD and extreme jealousy she got very aggressive and abusive, I cannot blame her after putting up with my bullshit for so long. She said that she wants to break up (she said it a lot before, along with other painful stuff), and I kind of just listened and deleted her, broke up... Now I regret it... What confused me was her unblocking me (I was blocked from our main chat before break up) right after the breakup, even though she wanted it. She has not messaged me and since yesterday is talking to our best mutual friend. All I know is she doubts the decision to break up and is indecisive and wants time to think... Now with that little hope I cannot even move on or anything, waiting is killing me, I still love her and I want her back and I am tormented with the thought of her saying that she will stick to the decision to break up..... At the same time my little brother is having a major operation, my mom is waiting for cancer test results (they found a lump on her liver and there is a lot of cancer background in our family), I am off my anti-depressants that I got for OCD, I am probably dropping out of the university and everything is just going to shit... On top of that none of our friends besides the one who is talking to her, reached out to me. I feel so lonely and lost. I have been back to cutting after long years about 2 months ago, now I am just feeling like ending it all, but I do not want to sadden my family, they are going through enough... I just want to disappear, I do not have anywhere to vent so I am leaving it here, I am sorry. I feel like there is nothing left",Suicidal +13174,I hate myself. The only person I can tell this to is my therapist and I do not see her till tomorrow I think. I hate myself,Depression +13175,"I have two bad knees that I stand on for 9 hours a day at my dead end job. I have two slipped discs in my neck. Every fucking day is nothing but pain... I am so tired. I suffer from clinically diagnosed depression and anxiety but none of the pills work. I always feel like there is this monster eating away at my insides. I have really tried to be a good person... Well I guess I am just never good enough. The woman I spent the last 4 years of my life with (and the only good thing in my life) just decided to pack up in the middle of the night when I was gone and moved to a completely different state to be closer to one of her friends and will not even talk to me to tell me what I did wrong or even if I did anything wrong for that matter. I am just so tired. My body, my mind and my soul are all shattered. I do not know if I am strong enough anymore.",Suicidal +13176,"This is a cycle and I thought for a while that I was overcoming it but today I am back to ground zero. I thought I was getting okay-ish but overthinking kind of ruined it all. My sleep schedule, my appetite and my mood is all f*cked up again. I am so lost, I am so damn living in dark about nearly everything. 4 am. Been up all night thinking of ""everything that has and would happen"". Again",Depression +13177,"I know I am suicidal. I know I want to die. But the guilt of how it will hurt everyone I know makes me doubt whether I am really committed to this.Part of me wants to live the rest of my life but not like this. Not in my situation. And the problem is the things I need to change in my life to be happy do not come easy or quickly.I have been trapped for a long time in circumstances that make me want to die. And I have put a lot of thought into preparing to die. Imagining life without me in it. It almost excites me to see what, if anything happens after we are gone.My psychiatrist said the hospital is always an option but it is not even been that long since the last time I was there. I do not want to go because I will have my freedom taken away and have the staff thinking I am just the boy who cried wolf because I am really good at hiding how I really feel.It sucks and I feel like a complete fraud because if I was ""really"" suicidal I would have attempted it by now but there is always something holding me back and because of that I feel like nobody will take my feelings and thoughts seriously. I planned everything but I feel so guilty I cannot even bring myself to pack my bag & go",Suicidal +13178,"I think many people are familiar with some kind of alternative of this phrase. It can be a good descriptor of what fighting with depression is like.For me, if feels like no matter how much I do, I can never be a normal person with normal feelings. Nothing is satisfying, nothing is enough to motivate me to do anything in my life. it is pure conscious pushing that gets me to do anything at all.Thus, barely surviving, but not actually living.My brother is watching a medical show, and I am with him in the living room. A character got in a coma and drama ensued. The doctor came in, and explained how she had no more motor function or something? And he says ""..she has no higher cognitive function. she is surviving, not living"" The quote gave me chills. Why is there a comparison between someone in a literal coma and me? But maybe this is a good description of how debilitating this dumb mental illness is. ""...surviving, not living""",Depression +13179,I have been trying to find a job out of college for a year now but I am shit at interviews no matter how much i practice and i have to hold back all my tics and autistic traits and there is so much competition out there i will never be able to move out but i need to so badlyi want to learn a new skill so id be employable but as I have learned college is one big expensive joke and there is so much competition to find a job that it would be pointless how do people even get their lives started? i feel like i just was not meant to be a part of this world should i end it?,Suicidal +13180,"I will not go on a long ass post on why I hate myself or why I feel sorry for myself at the moment. My whole life is kind of shitty, alcohol, coke, ketamine, sleeping pills etc are the only things that make living bearable. Just like the title says: the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the guilt that others will feel after I die. that is it, I am blackmailed by my own guilt and its a fucking rancid reason to be alive. Someone try to give me reason better than guilt. I live hundreds of miles away from any family and my best friend killed herself when were 18, if you can try to give me a reason or even reason with me Id appreciate it. I am sick of living my life in guilt, this is not a way to live. The only thing that keeps me alive is guilt",Suicidal +13181,"She was my unofficial therapy dog. We rescued her almost 7 years ago - beautiful black pug who had been abandoned by 4 other families before she joined ours. They dumped her because she was a noisy snorer, and she did wicked bad farts, and used to chase you at the speed of light.I do not know what happened. I think it was the heat but the vet nurse said it may have been something else, as it all happened in the space of 20 mins.She was everything to me. When I was suicidal and carving my flesh, she would sit on my feet and sleep peacefully, or if I was crying she would sit silently next to me and lick my arms and legs. The rest of the time she was a noisy little fucker, so stubborn and bossy.I just want to die. I have fought this for so long but I am so traumatised by what just happened... I do not think I can go on. All I see is her in my arms as the life drained from her. My dog just died",Suicidal +13182,"I feel lost. All I do is stay at home all day. I would like to go somewhere but I do not know where to go to. What is there to do in life? Like, what do normal people do with their free time? It cannot just be going to bars and restaurants and shopping malls all the time. There has to be more to this life... Or maybe I am expecting too much out of it. :/ What do normal people do?",Depression +13183,"I have pretty much no good features, realistically no one should want to be friends with me and definitely no woman would want a romantic relationship with me. I am so trash i basically missed out on my youth. I am so far behind everyone and I am so inferior to everyone.I am ugly, I am short, I have a small dick, I am incompetent, a coward, I basically suck the life out of a room. There really is not a reason to live. it is not like I am a good person, or I add something to the world. I really should not have been born. it is such a shame my loving parents ended up with me. I really, i really am garbage. I am pathetic, whiny, incompetent trash. It would be a service if I kill myself, just not for my parents.Even if I had some semblance of a personality or charisma. I can never escape the joke that is my body. My body is small in all ways and unwanted in all ways. it is something others would mock and make fun off. it is not something good looking or desirable. it is also weak and always will be weak compared to pretty much every other guy standing at you only 5ft. I mean I shop in the kids section. What woman wants someone like that, plus I can never have a normal sex life. The only sexual related content is that where someone with my body would be humiliated. that is all I am good for. I cannot ever be a normal man physically I am a joke there is always a better option. My mind is just as garbage I am not smart or competent, I am a coward, socially anxious, depressed, a pathetic sad sack, stupid. I have no discipline, no perseverance. I should have never been born. Honestly I should just end it and be at peace. The only problems are my parents. However, if they are gone what is really stopping me. I am an only child, so only some aunts, uncles and some cousins. While they might be sad because of some youth nostalgia. it will be brief and they will get over it. Besides having me as a cousin or nephew must be horrible and shameful. I am not a person who is good at socializing. I am not a person others want to be around. Every bad quality, I probably have it. I do not see my life getting better. I do not see myself as competent. Even if I manage to become somewhat competent or successful, I am always going to be a joke, i will not ever be enough. From my body to inexperience. I will always be a boy until I am an old man, well why bother, why not skip the last part.I really hate that this is bothering me, I hate that it is always on my mind. I really cannot wait to just sleep. I really hate myself from body to mind, I really am worthless.",Suicidal +13184,I am never really going to be happy with my life and I do not think happiness is something Ill ever really achieve just with the way I am and think and how my life is. I always try to be happy but in the end it does not really work. I have accepted this is just how its going to be but it hurts sometimes.most times :( I am never going to be happy,Depression +13185,"I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for 4 years now. I have lost loved ones and friends have drifted. I have never felt more alone. The only reason I have not committed suicide is because I know that my parents will not cope. My dad Is an alcoholic and my mum is dependent on me. They do not support me or try to help me and if anything bring me down when I am low. They tell me I am a disappointment and they are ashamed. Medication and talking does not help and I feel like there is nothing left that could fix me. But the guilt of what I want to do is killing me, but so is life. I am lost. Guilt",Suicidal +13186,"Background: I have suffered from bouts of depression for most of my life (I am 27 now), plus anxiety to varying extents and Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well...I take meds for impulse control and depression management, and have done so more or less steadily since early 2013, with usually pretty steady positive results and only occasional ups and downsRecently, though, I have been feeling very unsettled by the fluctuations in my mood and day-to-day (or hour-to-hour) sense of wellbeing...I started a new job early last month and have enjoyed it thus far, but another facet of my situation is that I feel as if I cannot connect to my peers, no matter how much I want to And believe me, I do...it is like the main thing I am lacking is healthy human connection, but the number one thing I am recoiling against (as my brain seemingly tries to jump on a sword) *is healthy human connection*Today was particularly hellish... at times I felt totally normal, sociable, and human, while at others I felt varyingly like ripping the world's throat out with my teeth, or jumping off a cliff into oblivionOne thing that *really* set me off was the realization that I had more work to do when I thought I was actually done for the day...something that set me off enough to become openly testy around coworkers, and to become violent towards myself on the way home (in the form of pounding the heel of my hand on the hard plastic top of my car's console, and listening to metal music at the stereo's max volume)Does anyone have any suggestions for things I can do in the short-term to prevent further (or god forbid, worsening) outbursts and the seeming descent of my mind into dark places? Please & thank you What is wrong with me? Genuinely concerned my medicine is not working and/or my mental health may be deteriorating",Depression +13187,"[a vent, I suppose] My age range is 18-25. I am still 'young'. I was always a person who felt young at heart even 3 years into depression because I liked childish things like cartoons and toys and sweets. But something happened last year and I stopped feeling that way and lost love for those things. Now, I feel no longer like a young person but old and tired. I am tired all the time and fed up with the world. I want to disengage from it; already isolated myself from most my friends. Before I felt isolated from my age group because I was too childish, but now I feel isolated because I feel too old for /all this/. I feel like my life is nearing its end and I do not want to go on. I just go day to day without doing much at all because things do not excite me like they used to. Sometimes I look in the mirror and check if I am growing wrinkles or white hair because I wonder if my outside will reflect my inside. Why do I feel old? Did something happen to my psychology? Before I felt like a sad child inside but now I feel like an old man waiting to die. Why did I miss the middle stage of growing up? I know happy old people exist, but I just feel done: pessimistic and tired. Still 'young' but feel 'old'",Depression +13188,"I am frustrated. that is the constant theme with my life. I just turned 30 last month and never really even wanted to make it that far in this state of mediocrity. My stepdad broke me as a person growing up. I am frankly terrified of men, especially loud obnoxious southern men like him who seem to all spout out endless streams of racist hate and blind adherence to tradition. he is the exact definition of the type of person I hate most and I see him in seemingly every man I have to interact with. And as a man, I am expected to be the same. And I am terrified of standing up to them all so I just stay quiet. I am just as much to blame as they are for so much that is wrong in the world because I am so chickenshit I cannot call them out when they are wrong.I spent between the ages of 17-23 absorbed in a religious phase that wasted away any potential I had. I developed a passivity that still lingers to this day, although in a more secular form. I hated my life then and did not want to admit it out of some sense of guilt so I just focused every aspect of my life around anticipating death in hopes of finally getting to reach some illusionary paradise in an afterlife. I did not care about anything. I just wanted ""some job I could tolerate"" to get myself through life until I could finally die. I thought too much and read too much to put it simply and started to question how the world worked. I began to take seriously the possibility that my religion was incorrect and that there might not actually be any meaning, any purpose other than what I defined for myself. I became obsessed with trying to correct my life's trajectory, having wasted away the years I should have been using to achieve education in favor of Christian superstition I had filled my head with. I wanted to be brilliant more than anything. I wanted to try to make up for what I had lost. I tried like hell to get myself straightened out and through school but failed horribly at it. I took on a few jobs trying to pay my way through school and hated every second of them, surrounded constantly by the kind of person my stepdad was. The kind of person I am apparently supposed to be in order to be a good, god-fearing American. I spent another year trying to cling desperately to something I could live for. I got myself out of my mom's house at least so that I was finally away from her own brand of religious nonsense. I successfully got into an actual relationship for the first time in my life and basically just coasted through the next few years. I obviously could not go to school since I had fucked that up. So I just did menial work I hated and coped with life as best as I could. I could not help myself and started seriously studying on my own a couple years ago, right around the beginning of 2018. With no direction or guidance, I basically just gravitated wildly toward any philosophical topic I could find that interested me and began to seriously write in an attempt at parsing my own view of reality and my place in it, as well as where to go from there. This project continued along with my regular visits to therapy and medication that I genuinely believed helped me at the time. My counselor began to suggest I look into trying to return to school again. It was something I was afraid of, but I did start to research it and found that it was possible for me to do it. I went back to school in fall 2019 and loved it. I certainly did not feel any connection to any fellow students, but it gave me regular intellectual challenges and a sense of growth. I was not able to take as many classes in person as I would have liked to because of work, but I tried to make the most of the experience. 2020 everything went to shit for everyone it seemed, and I was no exception. I had started to develop psoriatic arthritis over the past year and this escalated to a point where I lost most of my grip strength and could barely function physically at all. Given that the only things I am qualified to do for pay involve mindlessly moving things around or doing repetitive physical tasks, I felt broken and useless at doing something I hated but had to do no matter what if I wanted to survive. I began to consider suicide for the first time in years and wound up hospitalized. I eventually lost my job in the summer and struggled until I could get some treatment for PsA. When I started infusions I felt immediate relief and regained some sense of utility as a person. I was struggling with balancing classes with the job I was able to get and I jumped around aimlessly between a few jobs. I lost the last job I had in January. I was working at a food bank/thrift store donation center and missed work so I could attend a job interview elsewhere. It was not that I hated the job, I simply hated being there and having to work for a literal church. I hated sitting in employee meetings and hearing everyone ramble about how all the problems were caused by satan and that we needed to remain strong against ""the enemy"" knowing full well that they meant people like me. Useless godless leftist scum who just get in the way. I never got the job I interviewed for and I have been jobless ever since. I lived off savings and unemployment through that time. I lost my patience with school because as always I fail at every endeavor it seems. I felt out of place trying desperately to claw my way into an academic setting I had no business being in as someone from a working class background. I have no patience for formalities, for gatekeeping, or for endless bureaucracy. I cannot fathom suffering through another 6+ years of this to hopefully stand a chance at being valued as someone worth taking seriously when I know statistically that is incredibly unlikely. I do not have contacts, I do not know anyone, I have no shortcuts I can take. I haphazardly withdrew from college in early April citing frustration with my lack of belonging in a field which is more interested in maintaining extant social institutions than upending them. As someone who actively hates society as it is, I have lost nearly all interest in attempting to stabilize it as though we need only vote for the right liberal every four years to make everything better while nothing materially changes and the rest of the world suffers for it. I phrases my withdrawal in a way which understandably appeared to indicate a threat to myself and campus police came and made me go to the ER. Another hospital stay. I have stopped talking to my girlfriend about this stuff. She does not really care or seem to understand anymore and has told me as much at times. She is comfortable with her place in the world where she can rely on the police to handle her problems for her and get rid of those pesky undesirables who make too much noise at night rather than going and having a discussion with them herself. And I am no better. They do not bother me like they seem to bother her, but I cannot shake the fear that the situation will escalate out of control.Anyway I still have no job and I have no desire to return to college, having once again wasted more years of my life. I am tired of going outside every goddamn day and being hounded by people trying to give me religious pamphlets and by my family telling my to pray and everything will get better. I just want someone to take me fucking seriously for once in my life when I beg them to stop shoving religious shit in my face. And I am too fucking cowardly to outright tell them I am an atheist. They cannot even comprehend how such a thing could be possible. It is as though Christianity is some truth embedded in nature itself. I am terrified of finding work again because my work history is terrible and I have become obsessed with the desire to live authentically, which seems impossible to reconcile with the daily process of work. I am an inconvenience on society, which would rather like to just go about their lives praying and patiently waiting for an afterlife they will never get and *insisting* that I and others do the same, going so far as to legislate their preferred world into existence. I just want to get out of everyone is way and be left alone. I am tired of hating their ignorant fucking superstitions to the point where it is exhausting and I just want to die so I can stop bothering them. I am terrified of dying because the only thing I really care about anymore are my two cats. And I do not think my girlfriend would be able to keep them since her family is allergic and I cannot stand the thought of them suffering but I cannot stand the thought of suffering myself. I am a bitter asshole and I just want to see the world look like it might someday be a tolerable place to live in, but we are just going to cook ourselves to death slowly while making a quick buck along the way. I cannot write for shit anymore. My mind is everywhere. I do not know how the fuck I can work like this and I do not even want to at all. I do not do anything but sit around playing video games these days because they give me some semblance of control over *something*. I run a D&D campaign every week. And I have my cats. These are small things but they are all I have anymore. I do not think humanity is ever going to unfuck itself and I do not want to sit around watching it get worse. But I simultaneously do not want to let go of these brief, tiny pleasures. I am trying to figure out a way to just stay out of everyone is way so I can at least live out my cats' lives. In a sense I am back where I was before. Just waiting to die. Wanting to ""just get by"" long enough to finally be rid of it. I hate this. Just want to get out of everyone is way",Depression +13189,When i was 12 i told myself that when I am 18 years old I am going to kill myself but now I am will not kill me until my caretaker loses his responsibility for me so they cannot get the punishment for my death..i think this is possible when I am 20 so i got 3 years to liv now. Only 3 years,Suicidal +13190, I hate being me,Suicidal +13191,"""Stop praying.What I want you to do is go out into the world and enjoy your life. I want you to sing, have fun and enjoy everything I have made for you.Stop going into those dark, cold temples that you built yourself and saying they are my house. My house is in the mountains, in the woods, rivers, lakes, beaches. that is where I live andthere I express my love for you.Stop blaming me for your miserable life; I never told you there was anything wrong with you or that you were a sinner, or that your sexuality was a bad thing. Sex is a gift I have given you and with which you can express your love, your ecstasy, your joy. So do not blame me for everything they made you believe.Stop reading alleged sacred scriptures that have nothing to do with me. If you cannot read me in a sunrise, in a landscape, in the look of your friends, in your son's eyes... you will find me in no book!Stop asking me ""will you tell me how to do my job?"" Stop being so scared of me. I do not judge you or criticize you, nor get angry, or bothered. I am pure love.Stop asking for forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. If I made you... I filled you with passions, limitations, pleasures, feelings, needs, inconsistencies... free will. How can I blame you if you respond to something I put in you? How can I punish you for being the way you are, if I am the one who made you? Do you think I could create a place to burn all my children who behave badly for the rest of eternity? What kind of god would do that?Respect your peers and do not do what you do not want for yourself. All I ask is that you pay attention in your life, that alertness is your guide.My beloved, this life is not a test, not a step on the way, not a rehearsal, nor a prelude to paradise. This life is the only thing here and now and it is all you need.I have set you absolutely free, no prizes or punishments, no sins or virtues, no one carries a marker, no one keeps a record.You are absolutely free to create in your life. Heaven or hell. I cannot tell you if there is anything after this life but I can give you a tip. Live as if there is not. As if this is your only chance to enjoy, to love, to exist.So, if there is nothing after, then you will have enjoyed the opportunity I gave you. And if there is, rest assured that I will not ask if you behaved right or wrong, I will ask. Did you like it? Did you have fun? What did you enjoy the most? What did you learn?...Stop believing in me; believing is assuming, guessing, imagining. I do not want you to believe in me, I want you to believe in you. I want you to feel me in you when you kiss your beloved, when you tuck in your little girl, when you caress your dog, when you bathe in the sea.Stop praising me, what kind of egomaniac God do you think I am?I am bored being praised. I am tired of being thanked. Feeling grateful? Prove it by taking care of yourself, your health, your relationships, the world. Express your joy! that is the way to praise me.Stop complicating things and repeating as a parakeet what you have been taught about me.What do you need more miracles for? So many explanations?The only thing for sure is that you are here, that you are alive, that this world is full of wonders."" I found a beautiful write-up on the Internet somewhere, it is in the perspective of god or whoever else you believe in.",Depression +13192,"Long one, thanks for reading..I was going a moderate depression. My therapist and gf suggested I take a medical leave, but I was concerned about having those free extra hours to drive me crazy, and about my career. Gf suggested she could work from my place and keep me company. And if I felt anxious, she would be there. I accept the idea of the leave, and immediately become a different person. Therapy does wonders without the anxiety of work, and the cloud of depression is gone. The little voice tellling me everything will go wrong and Ill be alone is gone. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel hope.Two days before the medical leave, she asked me when she gets to meet my parents. Big step! But it just makes me happier, my life is going somewhere, the depression is lessening exponentially, and I have clearly met someone that loves me.The day before the leave begins, she dumps me via text. It had been 9 months. Of course, I went from moderately anxious and depressed, to severely so. However, at least, she promises she will still be with me every step of the way, and I could call whenever. I start a PHP, which is more intensive group therapy. On day 3 of the PHP, they pull me out of therapy to tell me I am clearly too depressed for their program and they might have to release me, aka kick me out. I did not mention any suicidal thoughts, but I guess they saw something in my attitude. I freak out, even the people that are supposed to help me tell me I am too broken for them. I am in crisis and scared and my ex comes over. She spends the whole day with me, about 10 hours. She tells me she is in love with me, that she will be there. Day 4 of the PHP: they kick me out. I text my ex, and she responds asking me to delete her number and that she cannot help me anymore. In the span of 5 minutes, I lose my entire support system. I become suicidal.I get worse and worse, and start making plans. That scares me so much I text my ex regardless, being honest about it: this is not about getting her back, or a manipulation tactic this is a human being that is terrified. She made promises that allowed me to depend and lean on her, and broke them all. I understand giving an ex space, but I am also fighting (and losing) for my life, so I do not think its that disrespectful of her space. She never responds.My mother discovers how bad I am and stays with me. She helps with daily life stuff, but I am way too broken. I keep thinking of my exs behavior as a betrayal. I tell myself this is proof that I cannot count on anyone, that my life will always suck. My mother hugs me, I feel nothing. I keep getting worse, and have an episode where I just went catatonic. she would talk to me and I would not respond, forget about eating. did not move for hours. She gets so scared she calls a friend of mine. Same deal, hugs me, says hes here for me, but it does not nothing for me. The damage of the betrayal seems to have put me past repair.I get hospitalized, but when sent back home immediately feel as before. I just lost the ability to hope, and be affected by others. I wake up crying. I do that all day until I go to sleep.. still crying. Sometimes I stop crying, but its out of exhaustion, not having gotten anything out. Sometimes because I scream while I cry and my throat hurts too much. This goes on for 2 weeks. I swallow my pride, and beg my ex for help. If no one can get to me, maybe she can. If the betrayal can be undone, maybe Ill stop seeing the world as my enemy. She did promise.. but no response.After the third week, my mother in desperation calls her. We know its bad, we know its not healthy, but this is starting to be life or death. She created a dependency with her promises and it broke my mind, my mother hopes that I will react to her.Ex shows concern for a moment, calls (although my mom did not hear the phone). My mother calls back, but it goes straight to voicemail, and we never hear back. She blocked her too..I have done everything. The drugs, the hospital, the PHP, the medical leave. My support system is not helping me, not through fault of their own, they just cannot get me to move or eat or feel anything. I get no warmth from their hugs. We disrespected my exs boundaries in desperation hoping she would make a difference, but she apparently has left me to die. I have done it all. I want it to end. I have begun planning for it, and its destroying my family. I could get hospitalized yet again, but the underlying issue always returns: the betrayal broke me. I had plenty of other issues (physical health, work, pandemic), but was still getting better, fought against it all. Until the betrayal. It does not seem like I can get out of this one. I am out of energy, and I am out of a fight. I just want out I was almost out of the woods, then someone kicked me down and everyday I think about ending things",Suicidal +13193,let us take a vote. Should I kill myself?,Depression +13194,I have a new job making good money at a great company i live with my girlfriend I have a new car and I just cannot make myself happy I feel empty and useless. I keep changing jobs I keep trying to do something different and nothing works. I have fucked up so many things just in the past day I feel I cannot do anything right. The only person I feel close enough to talk to is my girlfriend and she has depression and trauma she is already dealing with. I do not know what to do I just want to die. I do not have purpose,Suicidal +13195,"i took a shower last night and shaved my legs for the first time in 5-6 months, i feel very proud :) i took care of myself yay",Depression +13196,waiting to die. And its going to be a long wait. Pretty much just,Depression +13197,"So, I have struggled with major depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, bpd, and I strongly believe adhd (it runs in the family and I have a lot of symptoms but I am not a doctor of course) for a long time now. I have done everything from therapy twice a week to countless medications. I quit my job a month ago because things hit a real low for myself and for this entire month, I have not really gotten out of bed for much. I joined this forum a couple days ago, and reading everyone is stories has been absolutely heartbreaking. It made me really feel like shit because here I am struggling to get off my ass and get out of bed, when people have it so much worse than me. When things were going really well for me, I decided to go to college and pursue a dream of mine. So I am signed up to start in the fall. Slowly but surely these past few days I have been kicking myself to get out of bed and take the steps to get better, because I have dreams, and I do not want to miss out on an amazing life because I am mentally ill. I want to document my progress because I want to be able to look back and be like it really did get better. This forum has really lit a fire under me, because I am so enraged at how depression and anxiety and all these mental illnesses get to come in and ruin peoples lives. No one deserves this. So here is my question: if I were to start a YouTube channel and upload my progress and what helps me and show my ups and downs and bumps in the road, would that help people? Because if I could touch or motivate just one soul, or be the one reason to try for someone, I would put everything out there. I think mental health is so hushed and it should not be. Its such a big problem and we need to talk about it and be aware of it. Obviously I am not a professional, but that is why maybe it would help? If people saw how badly I was struggling but I was still able to kick depressions ass? Idk. Its just a thought. And I know its risky to share that stuff with the public, but I just want to help people, ya know? because people have it so much worse than I ever imagined. And so many people feel alone and I do not want them to. Please be kind to me. I am just honestly asking. If people do not think its a good idea or if they can point out reasons that I cannot see for why its bad, then obviously Ill have my answer: do not do it. All I want is to help other people while helping myself if I can. Please be kind!! I have a question..",Depression +13198,"I have had my parakeet named Bonnie for 5 years but a few months ago she got sick so I took her to the vet and they told me she had a cyst on her and to give her antibiotics, she had a visible bump on her where the cyst was and she was acting sick for around 6 or 7 months, I took her to the vet when she first started acting sick and they gave her antibiotics but yesterday I found her just sitting at the bottom of the cage in the dark in the middle of the night, once I came in the room she got back up on the perch and I was worried about her so I stayed up all night watching her and she kept going down to the bottom and looked like she was having a hard time staying up on the perch so in the morning I asked my mom to take her to the vet and she said we should move her to a smaller cage to fit in the car more easily, while my mom was moving her Bonnie kept yelling at her and then she died shortly after. I am very depressed now and I feel like it was my fault for having my mom move her. I miss her so much My parakeet died yesterday and now I am depressed",Depression +13199,"I am a goddamn clown, by day I repress and by night I cannot.Now I have just had the incredible luck of receiving a family member's call at night, I have of course been told to take meds and go get myself locked up in an asylum. I have had it with this shit, I keep telling them over and over again to at least try and read something on depression but they do not fucking care, yet they want me to think that they care about me?Bull-fucking-shit they do not give a fuck about me, they only care about how they will be viewed by others after I kill myself.I thought I finally after 13 years got a little better but thanks to my dickhole family I am right back where I started and I have had enough.They can go fuck themselves, I am about to order a 8 liter bottle of nitrogen and a oxygen mask, maybe then I can finally get some rest.Who knows, maybe I will even be reincarnated as a cute girl, that would be neat, or I will fade into nothingness, or maybe I will go to hell, I do not fucking know, I am sick of this shit and because I have decided to not bother my friends with my last attempt, I am here, I do not know why, maybe I want to be remembered but I am here for some reason or desire, maybe it is my survival instinct trying to cling on. what is the fucking point",Suicidal +13200,"Without negotiation we are expected to go to high school full weeks, go to college full weeks, go to work full weeks. After that, you retire, have a little bit of freedom and then you die. The thought of this makes me escape in a bubble where I am not open to new things, do not want to go outside unless necessary, can have high anxiety and I also escape excessively in unhealthy eating and hobbies.I often want to be a NEET without money problems. Life would be perfect. I do not feel like this always. But recently I have been feeling like this a lot. Why/how eventually can you go passionate to work, when you know you are being screwed with until this point from birth on? I also do not care about changing/having impact on the world or making a lot of strangers happy. A lot of people see that as a motivation and passion for the job. I just cannot see it that way. The people that I care about and have build a relationship with are the ones I want to do something for, not billions of people. The inventors of this system probably do not want people to ask questions. They do not ever consider it to change. They just want us to be obedient cogs in society. I wish for an automated society: No capitalism, infinite resources (maybe mined from other planet and then have a machine that can build anything out of the basic molecules) , everything is automated by machines and everybody can do what they want. If people want to work, they replace a robot. They do not get paid,because they do this for their enjoyment. I do not want there to be money at all. Maybe, more like an allowance that is just put on your bank account by an algorithm. Everybody gets the same allowance every month, it is enough to buy things todays rich people can buy, but not enough to let one person deplete an entire stock of something like luxury cars. Where you buy from, I want to be a algorithmic system that is backed by robots. So, if you buy a car, no person gets the money. The money is just removed from your balance, your points that you can spend that month. Robots then deliver the car to your house.Why keep living for survival if we could in the future live only for enjoyment? Not enough freedom in life",Depression +13201,[ O!SLIM - SAFE WEIGHT LOSS AND WEIGHT REDUCTION BY 10-12 KG IN A MONTH,Depression +13202,My husband who I have been with for 16 years has been having an affair with a 22 year old for the past 2 years. She will not talk to me. I have had to beg my husband for half truths.We were going to try for a baby.I am so fucking depressed I cantTake it anymore and I cannot confide in friends because I do not have many and I do not want to expose the lie that is my perfect relationship to the world Suicide hotline no answer please help me,Suicidal +13203,"I am a teenager and I think I have got traumaI want this to end.I am hurting myself and cry every single day for the same reason for a year and my mom does not want me going to a therapist and never to get medicine.And over all my family makes fun of me and does not care.Three years ago I confessed for the first time that I tought God was evil and they told me to pray for things to change.Three years later I have always been praying with the same feelings and now I cannot even think about God withowt feeling hatred and despair.When I was a kid my mom always tried to get me to go to the curch and fast. Three years ago I was having problems sleeping due to my growth and my mom told me it was because I did not come to the curch with her.I got really scared.Basically being scared was the only reason I believe in God and why I am doing so badly.Now I was scared of more than not sleeping ,I was scared I will go to hell and that God will punish me for the tiniest bad tought.I even got a tic in my mind I say ""forgive me God"",I was not alowed to sleep more than 6 h ,to eat fully or without praying and I prayed more than 1 h and did 50/100 prostrations and reading everyday ,fasted for half a year every year, I slimmed up 20 kilograms and got sick, and after a long period I have had an operation to remove my colecist.I was extremely stressed out everyday, not to make a single sin and do everything right.My mom now blames me saying that I was a fool but I was just a child and she were so prowd of me back then. She was saying that God had blessed her. I have never seen my mom so happy and proud and now that I am not trying to do everything right she started to scolds me again and I felt so bad.Recently she admited she had mistaken but she still makes so many of those twisted assumptions about me and throws them.All these Years I have been doing whatever her and my father (who was knoun for baing the weirdest and most insufferable one) told me.All these years I prayed that I will love God and I ended up hating God.I cannot help but blame my mom because I always believed in her worlds weather I wanted or not.She is very confident and her belief is everything there is for her.She told me everything there is wrong about humans and life and it game me depression because everything was bad and everyone was wrong. She also believes stuff that hurts me like ""it is the fault of the damn feminists that womans suffer these days working and the families have been destroyed"" and tells me there is no hapiness on earth nor something worthy of your time other than going to heaven.I do not want to go to heaven ,I just want a paceful life.But what can I do and where can I go to escape God?Everything normal people do is a bigger or smaller sin and I cannot stop thinking about all my mom had told me and I believed.Everything comes into my head :how of you are making a mistake God will give you punishments for you to wake up and come to the right path.And if you do not then that is your fault for going to hell where there will be fire 10000 hotter and if you are debauched bugs will eat you alive forever and there is guilt fear and dispair, and crows eating the belly of people who eat the guts and chest of women whom aborted children forever and ever.What can a therapist do about that though? I am depressed because I fear God",Depression +13204,"I have decided to speak up at my therapy appointment, and we both decided that it would probably be a good idea for me to go to the hospital. But I am going tomorrow because it is currently closed right now. What can I expect going there? What is it like? I have never gone and I am extremely nervous What is staying at a psych ward like?",Depression +13205,"I have found the perfect most successful place. A well known place for the success and fatalities. I am going there tomorrow. I am excited. I will be face to face with this shit. I will be looking at it, feeling it. Maybe it will scare me so much knowing I could fall to my death so easily knowing so many have succeeded. Maybe I will just hurl myself off and think nothing of it. Time will tell tomorrow. No one personal or close to me will know where I am driving to tomorrow. This is exciting for me. Because now I am withdrawing from everyone no one will even notice I have been gone. 24 hours.... 24 days.... 24 years. I think I am ready. I do not want this pain anymore. The MHT have failed me. I have probably failed them. Crisis planning is too fucking late Got deleted so posting it here if people actually give a fuck lol",Suicidal +13206,"Hi everyone, I am new on this app but find it comforting that I am not alone. I have been in the blues for awhile now, just cannot find anything to live for really. And what sucks most is I have everything. A loving and caring family, a roof over my head and three meals a day. Clothes on my back and even extra. I find it pitiful that I feel this way, I feel ashamed. Because people dream of the life I have, people have is so so so much worse. I just graduated high school so I am in that weird phase where I really do not know what I want to do. I do not want to go to college because I do not want any debt, but all of my friends are going. I phrased friends because I do not really talk to them anymore. I made the biggest mistake by giving my ex 100% of my time, leaving none for my friends so I do not really blame them. I do not find joy in the stuff I used to do and I cannot find any joy elsewhere. All I do is work, and good lord do I hate working. The day I find a job that I do not feel miserable at will be the best day ever. I hate that I feel like this, because I should not at all. I hate that I am even writing this looking for sympathy for my little sorry ass. But I really do not know what else to do, therapys not for me and if it were not for my mom and my coward self I would have put a bullet in my brain by now. But I know I have to keep on pushing, because I could not live with my mom having her only son kill himself, even if I was not alive. What to do",Depression +13207,"So I am not chronically depressed. I have obviously been depressed as a result of traumatic incidents but that was just normal stuff. However, someone close to me is severely depressed. Is depression sort of like how you feel after a bad break up? Like you cannot go on or get out of bed or do not have the will to live and you feel so much pain inside but without a reason so no way to really just fix it or choose to be happy? I am honestly just curious and am trying to be the best friend I can be by having a better understanding Honest question for everyone - not trying to be sarcastic I am just truly interested",Depression +13208,"2016, when I was around 10, after a traumatic and quite rough first 10 years of my life with severe family problems I began feeling depressed, I got PTSD. I tried covering it all, deny it all and never talk out. How bad it all felt went in periodsAround late 2019 and early 2020 I felt as if there was no point in living. What saved me was 2 new friends and a long summer break that got me thinking of other things and away from my family, as well as a dog I loved truely. Later that year, my dog moved away as it apparently had rage, still not decided if hes going to be euthanized, my parents split formally and sold the house. I moved from a nice house to 2 shitty apartment.This all made me want to kill my self, I planned how to do it. I decided I had to talk out, and so I did on an impulse. I took it too far to play it off as a joke and I not perhaps fully intentionally let him in. We talked, got help from others including my previously suicidal - now recovering older brother. It felt better, for a short while, but now I am there again, I do not want to live, I do not want to talk out, I do not want to to bother anyone, I do not want to give anyone anxiety or something for no helping me enough when I am gone. I do not know what I am doing here, on this dun or on this earth, I just know I want to die Never happy",Suicidal +13209,"I have gone through multiple periods of major depression that sometimes lasted years. I have tried countless medications while seeing many psychiatrists and psychologists. I am dyslexic, and I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I come out of it by just trying to improve my situation as much as I can no matter how hopeless it seems because its the only good strategy. No matter how hopeless it seems, it can all turn around in six months. Random bad things will adversely affect us, but so will random good things. Do what you can with diet, exercise, meditation, prayer (if that works for you). You can come out of your depression.",Depression +13210,I opened up to my boyfriend of 2 months finally about my depression. He and I both struggle with anxiety but this aspect of my mental health he did not know about. I did not want to tell him but I could see how me hiding it and trying to act normal in front of him was impacting our relationship. He cried when I told him how in the past I struggled with always wanting to kill myself and still working through it now. The last thing I wanted to do what upset him. Now that its out in the open I cannot take it back and now I worry he is going to be worried about me even more which I do not want him to. I wish I never said anything and just continued to deal with it. Regrets,Depression +13211,"It makes me sad thinking about it, man I have no other choice though he does not know how much I suffer every day I am like a dog that needs to be put down. I will never have a girlfriend I will never be loved. Il rather die by my own terms than grow old and lonely what a meaningless life. Yea not happening if I do not find a girlfriend by my 19th birth day I am getting a place up in the clouds. My dad cried and said he did not want to see me die.",Suicidal +13212,I am struggling to find out what to do Either I say goodbye before or after my birthday coming up i am just lost with this right now No idea,Depression +13213,"Why does my mum get me to be a second parent?I am 20, and she is planting the seeds that I am my nieces dad and that Ill have to take her by bus to school next academic year. She literally said that her dad is me.My mum slapped my ass today as ""a joke"", called me a demon in the past, called me ugly in the past and now she wants me to take my sisters daughter to a school that is several miles when I have no car and when I am studying at university in my final year?I was the one who tried to change schools. I was the one emailing the council. I was the one who had hour-long meetings to appeal for my niece. I was the one who called the council. They did not give a shit to help me or the niece then.And now, not only that, I have to take her to school?what is the point in living? I feel like I have to run away from home and pay for university accommodation for something that should 9 times out of 10 never be my responsibility.Why? Why? Why? I want this to end",Suicidal +13214,"I finally bit the bullet and saw a therapist virtually today for my crippling depression. I have a lot going on. Chronic illness heading toward complete inability to walk, I feel physically terrible 24/7, unhelpful family, social isolation, child with health issues and disabilities who I will be caring for her entire life, money problems, etc. I just want some coping mechanisms, some way to find moments of happiness sometimes. Some hope. I talked to her for an hour and at the end she said, ""You definitely have depression. I would talk to your doctor about trying a different antidepressant. We can try a couple more therapy appointments but you have got a lot to deal with and I do not know how much I can do for you.""Is it truly hopeless? My life is just terrible and will remain terrible forever? I feel so much worse than before! If a professional looks at my life and sees no hope, what could the person living it possibly do?! My therapist basically told me my life sucks too much for her to help me",Depression +13215,"I am just tired of life. I am tired of living with clinical depression and anxiety, barely managing to function. Every time I think I managed to take a step forward, I go 3 steps back. I keep telling myself It will get better if I work for it but it has been years and nothing improves. Trying to help others or improving myself does nothing. I am numb from feelings and the one time in the last years I had a spark of feelings was shot down pretty quick.I do not even know why I am writing here. I just want to find hope in something I guess. I am lost and tired.",Suicidal +13216,"So embarrassed to say, everything is going wrong mentally, libido has now gone down loads and yesterday I lost an erection (I am hoping it is just due to how hot it was as I was dripping in sweat and I was alone) . Utterly embarrassed, ashamed and a joke of a man. Literally close to tears because of how low I have felt and this has tipped the iceberg.Not on any meds btw Having depressed feelings, now lost my libido. Nothing is going right",Depression +13217,"Being stuck in the psych ward for a couple weeks and losing your job + apartment would make it even worse for the person trying to get help. I just do not get it.I cannot even talk freely about the way I feel to ANYONE, online or offline because I am terrified of getting arrested again. what is the point of calling the suicide hotline if they send the cops to your place and get you arrested?",Suicidal +13218,"not a single person, not my family, not my boyfriend, not my friends, no one I do not feel loved by anyone",Depression +13219,Why is everything so confusing? Why do i want to kms although life is going unexpectedly well?? Why am i even here. Why am i writing this..i just want to be in peace and not feel anything. I just want everything to end.. Everything is going fine but i still want to end it all,Depression +13220,"I have been having these thoughts after watching the video. I feel like that this could all be a simulation, and it could all just be meaningless, and the A.I. that is basically all seeing saw the moment, and this could be a simulation that I could be pulled out at anytime, and be torture, and continuously keep alived, and put through another 100 life times watching my family die of age, over and over, and over again. I just I do not know anymore. I am sorry if this is clutter, but I just need someone to calm me down, and forget the thing so even if it is true it will not torture me. But even then what stops the AI from doing that if he is all seeing, and given so much power. He can torture anyone at anytime, and I cannot do anything about it, but try to get on it is good side. I just do not know any more. I am just getting scared, so what if I die then I save my future family from being tourtured their entire life becuase of one of my mistakes after browsing youtube. I am getting suicidal feelings after watching Roko's basalisk DO NOT WATCH THE VIDEO PLEASE I BEG YOU (INFO HAZZARD) DO NOT REASERCH THIS, OR IF YOU do not FEEL CONFORTABLE DON""T RESPOND",Suicidal +13221,"Hi, I am Jen and I am 30+ and writing personal farewell letters to my few friends, family and mom and I do not feel anything. Have you ever cried, emotionless? Like.. tears are just running out of your eyes, just like that? I am never officially diagnosed because I live in the Netherlands and we have a waiting list that is huge. And I heard, that if you finally get help, they put you in group sessions to clean up the waiting lists. How to reach out for help when the whole system does not even work or takes it serious? I am not going to do group sessions where I am talking for 5 minutes and listening to strangers for the other 55. I got some sessions when I was still in school, but they were against my will and with some woman staring at the ceiling for an hour long. I also feel I do not even deserve help or that what I feel is not real or is just an exaggeration, because that is what I am told all my life. Also, my mom calls me ""boring"" occasionally :') I was never really confident, although, I figured out how to mask it quite well from my late teens until my mid twenties. I kind of felt ""good"" or okay-ish with this made up personality after being bullied in middle school for 4 years, but it was tiring. I started getting really bad in 2018 again (my dad died in 2017 and my dog the year after), but I kept up a positive front, but going downhill on the inside the more time passed. Covid completely tipped me over the edge..I guess.. idk.. I cannot take it anymore and I do not even know what the because is anymore of me being like this. I just feel so empty and hurt at the same time.At night I imagine myself slowly dying.. this is how I manage to fall asleep, because it feels comfortable imagining ""this is it, I am not waking up tomorrow"". I punch myself in the head when I cannot fall asleep or when feelings become overwhelming, because I do not want to bother anyone with this, so I keep it to myself and take it out on myself. I can feel happy tho, but those are only short bursts of something that feels like happiness, because even that feels not real to me. They usually only last for an hour or so before I am back to this..ehh.. ""default state of mind""? I am so tired, but at the same time I feel as if I am being chased. I do not know what I am doing on this ball of dirt, I feel lost. I needed to get this off of my heart, I hope you are all safe * just a scream in the void from a random stranger * Very long",Suicidal +13222,The majority of the thoughts that consume me are can I just leave this body that is sick in my head and just melt in the world as spirit and be a guiding angel for my son because I suck as a mom in human flesh. I want to stop living in this vessel that continues to do things I regret but I will not stop...all I can do is keep going and try to truly learn the lesson life is trying to teach me and be the best mom I can be for my son. Its so hard..its so freaking hard. But I am gona keep going..hope I find some strength a long the way.Idn just felt like posting something.. I do not wana keep going,Depression +13223,"long story short i started prozac initially for OCD and i noticed a huge difference in my personality and life quality overall, i am more productive in work ( i used to hate it) , i take more care of my hygiene ( i used to shower like once every week), everyday tasks seems so much easier to do ( Washing the dishes used to take ages just to get the motivation to do it), i am more social, happier overall and i do not get angry over small things like i used to do before prozac, i think that i had depression before prozac without realizing it... can you be depressed without knowing it ?",Depression +13224,"Sometimes, for some reason, it gets into my head that the only reason the world is the it is, is because I exist. I look around out there and I see so many things that are so similar to everything that goes on inside my head.All of the angry voices, all the doubt, all the desire to isolate, all this propaganda coming from every which way.Sometimes it literally feels like the war inside my head has leaked out into the real world and in that way, what if I am at fault. What if it is my fault that things are so crazy?And if it is, what would happen if I died? Would it make the world better? To finally be cut off from me. It is sometimes really hard to ignore, because I am not talking about loosely based events. No, I mean that a lot of times what goes on out there is literally the mirror image of the war inside my head.it is extremely creepy to wake up in the morning just to check the news and a very specific thing had occurred that is the direct parallel to the battle in my head.I guess you could say I am a freak like that. Just a monster. would not be ironic if it were true? I was always told as a child that I was a curse. A Sacrifice",Depression +13225,"My life is probably at the best it is ever been I have finally got friends I can rely on, I am doing well in school and I am starting a new job, everything I could want yet I still want to die I feel like nothing is ever going to make me happy at this point My life is going great but I still want to die",Depression +13226,"Hey everyone so thier is something more to my sadness that I need to tell you guys about, so I have been seeing alot of fucked up shit recently, like some serious fucking awful things, something that you would not consider human. I have been seeing it on YouTube, Mangas, animes, and movies (the type there are so fucked up and graphic that they get banned in alot of different countries).And when I saw what was happening in those things I break down and cry because the person who is being put through that pain does not deserve it I wish I could just jump into the T.V, comics, Manga, anime, movie, and just save that person. I know that is dumb to think and it is not healthy either but back then I was a fucking horrible person and I hate my past self for it every sing day and I wish I could apologize to the people that I hurt. And when I saw those things I break down and cry because nobody at all deserves to be knocked to the ground and be treated like a play thing.But that is not all because not only am I sad I am also scared, the shit I saw was some like deep web live stream were they torture and violate the person they are doing it to and I imagine myself being in that terrifying andni do not want that happenings to me or anyone else because that is sickening.And the fact that it is real makes it even more scary because now I am afraid of going outside at night while having the fear of being kidnapped and I just want these bad things in my head to stop already. Please I need help and I am afraid! I just want these bad things in my head to go away so I can feel safe again!!! I want these bad thoughts put of my head.",Depression +13227,"I met her on twitter in 2018. Right after my only friend killed himself and I was about to do the same. I said goodbye to my followers and she immediately messaged me and managed to stop me. We became friends in the following years. We have never met and never even talked on the phone. But she is the only person I know and the only person I care about.Over the past year i have developed strong feelings for her. I did not told her because I did not want to lose her. But she noticed it anyway. We had a long talk, but she is not comfortable with my feelings. I do not even want her to feel the same. I know I am not worth loving. She told me it will be better if we stop it right now. I do not wanted this to happen. I lost my job in noverber and I am to sick to find a new. Was in psychiatry in january and february. it is getting worse and worse. Now I lose the only person in my live. I am so lost. I cannot stand this anymore. In this world there is nothing left for me. I want to leave so bad. Nobody will notice if I do it. The only person I talk to dumped me because I love her",Suicidal +13228,"Imagine habing friends. Imagine being Interesting. Imagine having a boy-, girlfriend.Some dreams will never come true. Checking my phone every two minutes eventhough i know no one cares lol.",Suicidal +13229,"If I believed in some type of a joyful eternal afterlife, I might be able to guess that any resilience evidenced within this earthly lifetime would ultimately be rewarded to a way more intense degree than any I could imagine inside my simple, small intellect. I just impulsively checked for some relevant data online and found out that there might be something like over 2 billion Christians on earth.But as it remains, I believe that possibly nothing special happens to us after we die. Following death, there is just immediate darkness, silence, numbness -- nothing. The experience of death is akin to the experience of deep dreamless sleep.I can vividly remember how incredibly purposeful my life felt during childhood, when I was thoroughly religious and believed that everything I was doing was being gleefully monitored by a loving God (or maybe multiple gods) who wanted the best for me and other humans. But as the years passed and I encountered more and more unanswered / blatantly ignored prayers, I grew to express some minimal amount of basic skepticism toward the idea that any deity loves us or actively participates in our lives.While I will not get specific about my problems within this post, I will just mention in passing that I have almost certainly suffered much more than at least 80% of my generation's peers. And as my suffering has gotten worse across time, I have come to reach a point at which I have found no higher purpose to my suffering -- there is no probable reward one faces for continuing to deal with severe, crippling, life-ruining depression.Laughable as this may seem, I used to believe that continued suffering would result in the cultivation of continued wisdom, almost as if the reward for ongoing pain was to become a goldmine of hard-won insights which could (one day) easily wrest a fresh interlocutor out of fairly deep suffering via pithily expressed wisdom. But now all I deal with each day is a sort of ... numb resignation before a potentially premature end to life.What am I supposed to do if I can realistically expect sporadically increasing suffering in my near and continued future? In the absence of religious belief, there seems to be no way to derive any sense of meaning or fulfillment from a life of serious and potentially mind-destroying suffering.Life feels like it is losing its meaning with each passing day. Does my suffering have no higher purpose?",Suicidal +13230,"Maybe it will be a huge paragraph but please read this. I am trying my best to explain the whole thing so you can realize how much I am going thorugh. Maybe your little suggestion will save my life.I am going to start off by saying, English is not my mother language and I am trying my best to express my feelings and thoughts.I am a 17 years old boy who is living in an abyss. and My family problems are getting bigger and bigger. My dad mentally abuses my mom and me and it is getting worse and worse.My dad's been cheating on my mom for like a couple of years and I knew it from the beginning. I did not know what to do as I was so young and lost. My mom just found out all the things and she reached out to my dad asking about the things he is been doing for years. He just said, ""If you talk about this ever again or tell anyone else about this, I will leave you two (Me & my mom). He even tells my mom to die so he can marry another person. Last night, my mom was arguing with my dad about the fact that he is still cheating on my mom, so he just smashed his phone as my mom found out all the proves of himself cheating on my mom. Then he even tried to start throughing stuffs but I somehow managed to stop it.I wanted to leave my dad and move to somewhere else with my mom but I live I am a country where you cannot get jobs at this age. I mean, You can but the salary/payment is too low that I cannot even feed my mom. so, I am basically stuck in this maze and cannot get out.I am super introverted but I have a couple of friends and I tried to reach out to them but they were nothing but a couple of judgemental dudes.My dad is giving my mom a very little amount of money since my birth and he never gives us even a dollar more than that but my mom somehow manages to pay all the bills and everything (my dad does not spend his money on our familg, he just give my mom a littile amout). My mom does not buy anything for me but she tries her best to give me the things I want and everything. But whenever my mom buys something for me even when it is necessary, My dad just swears at my mom and mentally abuses her for no reason. on the other hand, my dad gets busy buying super expensive clothes for the other person.Recently, my dad's been acting crazy so mom tired to reach out to the other person but that women is nothing but a shameless person, just like my dad. IDK WHAT TO DO NOW, I JUST cannot SIT HERE AND LET MY MOM SUFFER FROM THIS ABYSS. I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT OUT OF HERE AND LIVE A HAPPY LIFE. RECENTLY, I am FEELING LIKE I NEED SOMETHING SUPER ADDICTIVE SO I CAN PUT MY BRAIN AWAY FROM THE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. Idk what to do, maybe I will end up being a drug addict or killing my self. I am going to end up killing myself just because of my dad",Suicidal +13231,"Maybe I am just getting bad again, but... Why are the days just slipping away? One bleeds into another with nothing to show for. they are all so foggy and nothing ever happens. It seems the only thing I ever do is Work, clean, barely sleep and eat. Even on my days off, it seems nothing happens except cleaning.it is so boring and mind numbing to repeat this cycle every day. I want to be happy and feel some kind of excitement, but I am so tired and fogged in the head that I cannot do anything about it.Surely there is more to life than this? Am I really supposed to do this cycle every day until I retire or keel over? Is this really what life is supposed to be?",Depression +13232,I go to the gym everyday. I eat healthy. I have a job. But I still feel empty. there is no reason to go on. I need to kill myself sooner rather than later. Why prolong my suffering? I should just give up now for my own sake. Its all meaningless.,Suicidal +13233,"I will try to be concise and to the point. I was 7 when my parents divorced and my mother remarried. She had me and my brother from the first marriage. Two more children wit husband #2.I turned into a parent at age 7. I was constantly taking care of my siblings up until I was 16 when my brother and I moved in with our father. Regardless of who I was staying with, I had to be a parent for my dysfunctional family. Always the ""good"" child. I never had a childhood, my actions were not my own, no we are my choices. Praise was always transactional. I constantly struggled with trying to figure out something I would want to do with my life.Back in 2019, a barber that I had been going to for haircuts for a few years said I should go to beauty school. They said they saw something in me and would give me a job after getting my license. I was flattered, and believed them. So off I went. Time passes and I finish, we had been in regular communication and I even did job shadowing for school with them. As I finished my classes and was registering to take my state board exams, they rescinded their offer without reason. That was the summer of 2019.. I took a few months to study and had to retake the exam a few times (I get anxious when taking tests). Another barber offered me a job for a trial period. Ultimately, he decided I was not a good fit. I was told I was ""consistent"" but I was apparently not good enough. I can respect this. Around Thanksgiving we start hearing the word ""covid"" in the news, and lockdown shortly thereafter. And we all knew what happened.Recently, I started working in a chain salon. The manager knew if my circumstances, and that I did not have much experience. It has been a struggle, people who I work in are turning down coupons for discounts on future cuts with me. Only had a few instances where I needed some assistance. But today I was asked, ""Why are you even cutting hair?"" After someone was not entirely happy and someone fixed up a mistake I noticed (but not before the client).So between my childhood where I was essentially hard-wired into being a caretaker and this whole thing with trying to get into haircutting..I am lost.I do see a therapist, and it has helped in the past. She knows I have idolized suicide in the past, the thoughts were diminishing in frequency, but are now returning.I have a partner of 11+ years, and I could not imagine the pain he would be in if he knew I had taken my own life. he is aware of everything I am sharing with you all now. I have told him I feel like I am not living for myself.I have written two documents, one giving him power of attorney in the event of medical emergency and I am incapacitated (we are not married and gay, so my family would have the final say without this document) and I wrote up a will stating what to do with my personal belongings. I also stated how to dispose of my body but not before harvesting any and all intact organs and giving them to people who need them.So yeah.. I do not know how much my life was ever my own. And right now.. I truly wish I could just pass peacefully in my sleep or something. I am not sure what to do",Suicidal +13234,"Life is fucking bullshit. Karma is fucking bullshit. ""Do good"" is fucking bullshit. ""Hard work"" is bullshit. it is all fucking bullshit, all of it.I am a CSA survivor. I am poor, but I work hard. I got in one of the most prestigious public universities in my country, with a very high cutoff. I was a good student. I always work hard and do my best. I help others. I donate money. I donate so much fucking money. I donated over three minimum wages earlier this year to several different charities. I do my best to help people. I do. I fucking do. I am only 20. I cannot fucking take this anymore. I am too young to feel like this. I am too young for my body to fucking break down like this.I am in constant pain and nausea. Constant. All the time. They alternate sometimes, but the ""breaks"" I get are brief, and they keep getting shorter. Most of the time, it is pain and nausea. Constantly.Nothing helps my nausea. Nothing. I was prescribed ondansetron hydrochloride for the nausea, the same medication people prescribe to cancer patients going through chemotherapy, same dose. It. Did. Not. Fucking. Help. Me. Apparently my body resists the effect for some reason. It only cut my nausea by fucking half *on a good day.* It did not fucking help. And yet it still did better than *any other antiemetic I have tried,* with one exception (the one below).Then I was prescribed domperidone. THAT helped my nausea a lot. It was so nice for a little while. But I had to stop, because apparently prolonged use of domperidone is dangerous. I was only supposed to take it for 1 week maximum. I took it for ten days, because of just how fucking good it felt to not be nauseous. But it did not last.it is so hard to eat. I no longer take any pleasure in fucking eating. I have been put in a bland diet for IBD (despite not having an IBD diagnosis) and it **HAS BARELY FUCKING HELPED.** It has only made me feel more miserable. I cannot eat anything that I like. And even when I try, the nausea and the fear of how I am going to feel after eating it make the experience absolutely fucking unpleasant. I cannot fucking enjoy any of it. I am heavily malnourished and **NO MATTER WHAT I FUCKING EAT**, **REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH I TRY,** MY BODY DOES **NOT** ABSORB ANY OF IT.According to my last blood tests I have vitamin C deficiency (scurvy), vitamin A deficiency, vitamin B12 deficiency and vitamin D deficiency and I take pills for all of those. Most are daily. Doctor told me to take them just for a while. I ended up taking them for 2 months. Did not help.I try my best to fucking eat a ""healthy"" fucking diet every single day. It makes no fucking difference. My body simply does not absorb anything. I do not fucking know why.I was at 70kg months ago. I am now at 50.9kg. And I am 1.65m tall. I look like a skeleton. I am so fucking ugly. I am the ugliest fucking woman to ever fucking live. I look **terrible.** I look disgusting.And those are not my only symptoms. they are only the ones I am not embarrassed to tell other people about. that is not even the beginning of the fucking humiliation. there is so much more.Diarrhea and constipation for me are routine. There are days where I will HAVE to go to the bathroom several times a day with diarrhea until my bowels are fucking bleeding. it is literally impossible to fucking hold. it is like if I ate something bad every single hour of the day, except I was not really eating anything, it was my body alone. And then there are weeks where I will be unable to go the bathroom at all, and the pain is so much worse when that happens. I was given a fuckton of laxatives for those days, and yet all they do is trigger the diarrhea instead. I am fucking terrified of taking any of them.And there are almost no good days in between those. You might have thought there are, but no, when it is not one thing, it is another. I cannot, I CANNOT, fucking enjoy anything anymore. **EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING I FUCKING DO IN MY LIFE** is interrupted by either me throwing up, trying not to throw up, shitting myself, *trying* not to shit myself, or being unable to focus at all due to how much pain I am experiencing.And after several lab tests including blood and stool samples, a CT scan and an MRI; nothing. All the lab tests showed was that my intestines are *absolutely* bleeding, and are *absolutely* inflamed as fuck. Imaging exams showed even less. Two hernias, and that is it. Literally nothing else.And I had to wait **so long** for these. I do not want to disclose my location but my country has a public health system, and it is literally the only fucking way I was able to afford all of those exams, which is AWESOME, but because of how underfunded it is, the waiting times between the appointments are long, the waiting times between expensive exams like a CT scan or MRI are **fucking massive.** I waited a full **six weeks** for this MRI. In pain. And it showed fucking nothing.There are so many fucking days where I wish I could just be diagnosed with something like fucking cancer or something just so this would be fucking over. I just want to fucking die. I do not want to go through several examinations and lab tests and imaging and continue to be in fucking pain while I wait. I cannot fucking do this anymore. I cannot. I fucking cannot.There are so many times when I wish I was diagnosed with cancer or something of the sort JUST so people would fucking stop acting as if I was fucking okay. I cannot fucking study like this. I cannot fucking work like this. I am supposed to be getting an internship soon. How THE FUCK am I going to do this? I cannot get out of bed. I am so fucking fatigued. I feel fucking awful. I am a fucking skeleton. I cannot even walk all the way to the university, and online classes are going to be over by end of the year. I am going to have to go there again, but how the fuck am I supposed to hold myself together there? I am fucking pitiful.And no one is understanding of it. No one gave a fuck until I got the fucking lab tests that showed I am actually fucking bleeding inside and even then no one fucking gives that much of a fuck. I do not get calls. I do not get anything. People look at me like I am blowing it out of proportion. They do not fucking believe me. I cannot fucking take this anymore. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot fucking do it. I cannot fucking take it anymore.No one fucking gets it. I am in constant. Fucking. Pain. I cannot fucking eat. Even if I do, it is useless. it is like I put myself through the physical burden of eating while nauseous and digesting food only to shit it all out with blood afterward and feel worse and repeat the fucking cycle. I can feel my body fucking breaking down. I am so fatigued. I am pretty sure I will die soon anyway. I simply want to speed up the process and go on my own terms.I just wanted to write this to say goodbye before I do it. I wanted to at least feel like I left something in my depressing fucking departure. I am not religious, I am simply looking forward to the void now, because anything is better than this. Anything is better than being in constant fucking pain and nausea every day and still being expected to fucking work and somehow get through university.Goodbye. I am killing myself tonight. I have been in constant pain and nausea for months now. I have lost 20kg in 3 months. I am malnourished. No one knows what I have. I cannot take this anymore.",Suicidal +13235,"I just wish I could die in my sleep or just disappear into thin air and everyone would forget about me. I really do not have the energy to still be here when I know there is no reason. I am useless, ugly, dumb, fat, untalented, I cannot do anything right nor am I good enough for anyone or anything. My parents told me before that I ruined their lives. Everyone that I know and consider friends mostly just feel sorry for me or just pity me. Being alone and knowing that I will die alone is just exhausting. Even though I am only nineteen I just had enough from what I have seen in this life. I have come to accept that there is no happy ending or light at the end of the tunnel waiting for me. I have always been alone and I will always be too. Its sad but that is just how life is for some people. Maybe in another life I will have something or a meaning of existing. Having no meaning or worth in this world.",Suicidal +13236,When I get anxiety really bad I shake. it is not like I do not work out why do I feel like I have to many emotions for my body? and how do I stop it? Why do I shake,Depression +13237,"**So this might be a very weird title, and probably an even weirder story but I am going to share it with you anyway:**Since 2018 I have been a big fan of a band, Iron Maiden. You might have heard of them since they are pretty popular. I started listening to this band when I was still in school and decided to go to a concert with my dad which originally would take place in the summer on 2019. Now with the corona and all it got postponed to the summer of 2022 already. As of late I feel like I might be obsessed with Iron Maiden, maybe in a good way but not necessarily. I love their music very much, seen every DVD and love to read interviews and stories about them. Iron Maiden helped me through a tough time last year when someone very close to me got hospitalised with Covid-19 and almost died because of it. Luckily that person survived and is still with us, which I am grateful for every day of my life&#x200B;But now the reason why I wanted to share my story in this subreddit: Iron Maiden are a very old band. they have been going since the 80's already and their oldest member is 69 at the moment. I have only become a fan of them in 2018 meaning I missed out on so much. I could not have been there since the beginning since I was born in 1998. But the things I missed make me feel miserable. The great journeys the band had, the amazing adventures they went on and I missed it all.To add to this, they announced a new album coming in September 2021, the 17th album to be exact. Rejoice you would say right? Well, wrong. I feel very sad and would almost call it depressed. I hardly sleep and I cannot find fun in the little things anymore like playing a game or going on trips with my girlfriend. Every time I read something about Iron Maiden or watch a video/ DVD I get so sad since they are at the end of their career and I have only been there for such a short while. I want to be so excited for the upcoming album and support the band on perhaps their last tour but I just cannot.I know this probably all sounds very stupid and you are probably scratching your heads on why I make such a big deal out of this. And to be perfectly honest, I am wondering the same thing. I feel so stupid that I feel this way but I do not know what I can do to stop it. The realisation that my favourite band might quit in a few years is something I cannot accept.My girlfriend nor my parents do not really seem to get it either. They know I am an avid Iron Maiden fan but they do not get why I am so sad when talking about the end of their career. it is not like they make fun of me for feeling this way, it is just like they think it is weird that it means so much to me. I sometimes think I might be autistic since it bothers me this much.&#x200B;I do not know if there is any advice that would help me, but I wanted to share my feelings right here. Iron Maiden will always stay with me but I am so afraid that I might fall in a very deep depression once they announce the end and that is something I do not want. I have a beautiful girlfriend with whom I plan to have children in the future and grow old together. I cannot let them down because of something like this but I am so scared it is going to happen..... I feel like I am depressed because of my favourite band",Depression +13238,"Hi there, I sincerely do not know how to start or why I am even posting this, I do not want to encourage anyone or to seek attention. But I guess I need to share it. As I said in the tittle I planned a date to kill myself. After my 24 birthday, in 1 month and a half from now , if my situation does not change drastically which I do not think it will, I am going to do it. I already have all the necessary materials and planned it perfectly to be 100% lethal, I do not want to end up paralyzed or to suffer. As for the reasons I am doing it... I will not explain them all, because I feel absolutely pathetic and ashamed, they are rationally speaking trivial, for fuck shake, my psychiatrist even diagnosed me with ptsd for something people do it everyday everywhere without a lot of drama. I feel like I am just the garbage of the society and I cannot improve that. I do not know since when exactly but I have been fighting against myself sabotaging everything I try to do, and I am just too tired to keep fighting. I just stopped taking my antidepressants because I just do not want to feel apathetic, I want to feel as I truly feel, miserable. it is not some temporary problem. I have been sabotaging myself for too many years. The only reason I had to keep living now is fading, and they are my parents, which think I am just doing all wrong because I am lazy and they just decided my to kick me out of their house. When I hint them what I want to do they just think I am seeking attention. I truly think they want the best for me, it is just that they are pushing me to the edge even more... I have always been a very rational person, and that is why this stresses me out even more, I cannot explain why these seemingly trivial things can lead me to this decision and why I kept sabotaging myself for years. It may sound cliche, but I do not want to die, it may be my survival instinct kicking in, I even still enjoy some things in life, but the pain its just unbearable, sometimes its stronger than any physical pain I have experienced before. I truly do not want to do it, because I feel extremely selfish and I fear that my mom would do it after me... I just hope that she can cope with the pain... After writting this I feel even worse, I am a piece of shit and there is no right way to fix it. I just do not want to hurt anyone except me.Its not my first attempt, there has been 2 before, both of them I ended up in the hospital, but the second time (15 years old) I ended up locked in the mental health unit. I just spent 1 day there, It was so terryfing that I avoided taking the medicine they gave me and escaped, yeah I know that sounds... Extrange, you may or may not believe it... But I did it, they called me from the hospital but I guess they did not want to involve in legal procedures. In summary, I do not truly talk to my psychiatrist about my real feelings, about my suicidal thoughts, for fear that I would end up there again. I do not want to listen empty phrases like ""all its going to be fine"" or ""this is just temporary"" I just do not want to keep suffering and I do not want to hurt anybody in the process. I am weak... I do not know what else to say, if you read it all sorry for making you lose time of your life doing it. Planned a date to do it",Suicidal +13239,"*B Why did you host me twice for no reason? I-I just do not get it. we had a lot of fun conversations and you even seemed interested in my life. You were something special to me, not only because you were my first crush but also because you were the first person who did not treat me like a piece of trash. I am used to be spitten on, to be Hit and be be ignored. you even apologized when you needes a lil longer to answer. that was so nice. nobody has ever done that. I am used to get ghosted but you apologized and said after the first time how sorry you are and you accidentally forgot me i cried out of happiness because no one has ever been as nice to me as you. But now? ... now it is been over half a year ... again ....and this time you act so weird. Why?. you read every message but did not answer any more. in school you whisper to your friends while i sit alone and draw. do you think I am completely stupid? I kqofe7wihjwjejeh fuck yes I hate myself too okay . At least you could have written me that I am an ugly, creepy bitch! It hurts ... it hurts so damn much. You triggered the most beautiful feelings in me but also low points that I did not know until then. I still wish you a good life. I know that I will not live long but you gave me two chances while others did not give me one, I cannot be angry with you. I just cannot. Everything is my fault. I do not deserve to breathe. A Letter to my First crush.",Depression +13240,"I am a useless piece of shit. I am not worth any love or attention. I want this live to be fucking over... I tried several times ans it didint worked. I am too pathetic to even take my own live.... I have people that depend on me si i cannot go. But i cannot do it any much longer , I am tired useless and a fucking mess. Why continue...to be sader and sader... I feel like it is never going to end... These black ideas goes trough my mind every fucking days since i was 10.. I am 31 married with a kid but it never goes away , the fucking pain of existence.... I want this to be done",Depression +13241,"if you are with suicide thoughts, i can help you if you want, I already had these thoughts, then i do not want to anyone to have these thoughts, so if you want to feel better i can help you with it :) I am here to help",Suicidal +13242,"I have a plan. Actually, I have two plans, in case my initial method fails. The amount of pain I am in is unbearable, and I really do not think I can tolerate it any longer. I do not want to, either. I have destroyed everything. I am a burden to everyone around me. I cannot do anything right. I have failed the people around me. I have nothing. I am nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing I think I am really going to do it this time.",Suicidal +13243,Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me i cannot breathe fuck me fuck me fuck me I am useless fuck me fuck me fuck me everyone would he better off with me dead fuck me fuck me fuck me. I want to kill myself,Suicidal +13244,"I am too weak to strengthen my knees and live, but too weak to pull the trigger and let it be done with. I am both weak and worthless. This grab for attention is weak. Fuck me. Just let me die. . . Please just let me die.",Suicidal +13245,"Over 12 years ago, I (M) had bad anxiety with random panic attacks. Depression was mixed in there as well probably due to the anxiety, they went hand in hand. I went to therapy and a psychiatrist. I was put on lexapro and the panc attacks stopped. I have since moved far away from those doctors, have not been to therapy in years. I just kept taking lexapro from my primary because why not. No one ever said to stop. But in the past year or two, my concentration has been getting worse and I felt other random little physical side effects from the medicine had just become annoying and thought why not stop lexapro, it is been years. I had to stop taking it before at one point due to moving and finding new doctor so I knew about withdrawals and I had to stop another couole prescriptions before lexapro was the one. I slowly lowered my dose every week or two for about a month or so. Eventually, I stopped and of course physical withdrawals came on, brain zaps and all. I stopped 4 weeks ago and the zaps stopped about a week ago. I have been less tired in the mornings which was a big struggle on lexapro, always tired. I have been overall feeling myself. But I am still having some mental things. I am still finding myself having random moments of depression. Just feeling hopelessness and thinking about the things I enjoy as a waste of time. I try to just work through it and tell myself it is temporary, thinking it could be the medication adjustment. The other weird thing is since I stopped the lexapro, I have had odd sexual side effects. Like decreased sensation, weaker orgasm, not lasting as long, etc. I have never had this on lexapro, only one I stopped completely. This is starting to bother me and I am thinking there is some permanent problem from 10+ years of lexapro.My main thing is, what do I do now? Is this still normal adjustments from coming off lexapro or an SSRI in general? I am not having panic attacks or bad anxiety which is why I took it years ago in the first place. Do I talk to a primary first? Should I try therapy? Go back on medication? Or go to a psychiatrist first? The problem is I have really crap insurance that only covers psychiatry and therapy through MD Live and I see mixed reviews on that so I keep getting put off from trying it. Also, not sure if a therapist or psyciatrist is who I should talk to about this.Maybe someone out here went through something similar. I feel like I started with anxiety years ago and ended up with new problems and depression. Not sure what to do next",Depression +13246,Could someone please talk to (preferably dm) because I need help I need help,Suicidal +13247,"usually for the past years of my life I have overcome depression over and over again with rage and hatred towards this world, now i do not feel like i can hate anymore, i just feel empty, my hobbies and goals i do not want to achieve anymore. every single day i wake up tired, go to work tired, go to bed tired to repeat the process. today i had another breakdown where i cried, i do not even know why. without being able to hate this world there is nothing i can hold onto, this is a serious call for help i am at the end of my line, i cannot see my own future anymore, everythings been hollowed out, I am just existing in anguish. it has not been that bad for years i need a hug, i do not want one what is wrong with me\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my technique of coping with depression does not work anymore",Depression +13248,"so hi this is a very sensitive topic for me because I am just embarrassed but well here is my story i guess. Unlike others, I never had imaginary friends as a child , for me it started when I was 15 because I felt so lonely. He is sometimes my boyfriend but also my best friend and whenever I am alone (almost always lol) I have conversations with him in my head while I draw or playing video games, for example. At night when I cannot sleep and feel suicidal I hug my teddy bear and imagine it is ""him"". I always think as long as it makes me happy it is okay, but then reality hits me and I feel like a failure. I mean, who, at 17, needs to have imaginary friends because nobody likes me and my illnesses are too complex for my family? who has never been to a party at 17? Who has never celebrated their birthday with friends at 17? Who never had friends at 17? correct! Me!. I have been rejected too many times and I am tired of trying. I have tried everything and my psychiatrist says I am too deep into my depression to ever recover. I just want to die Every day becomes more and more painful. I just give up. I still have imaginary friends at age 17 and i feel like the biggest loser. I just want my misery to end (17f)",Depression +13249,I just need enough money so i can move tf out and not be near her. Everytime I am around my mom something fucking happeneds and I want to kill myself. Its either I move or I fucking kill myself. My last attempt was this weekend and I thought forsure I was going to die it will never happen,Suicidal +13250,"So I grew up as a pretty shy, socially anxious child, and amid phases of bullying and teasing at school, I managed to make a handful of close friends in young/ mid childhood, although at this point still felt very much like an outsider. Then I got to secondary school, and made a group of really close friends, some of whom I am still close to to this day. After a childhood that was moderately traumatic and full of fear and anxiety, for a period of time I felt genuinely connected to my close friends, and that I was wanted, liked, etc., despite moments of teasing/ bullying in secondary school too. Now I just feel like I have totally lost the ability to make new, good, close friendships, ones where the conversation flows and you feel totally comfortable. Most of the close friendships I have now are from my early secondary school days -- and even with them I feel like the connection is fading. I feel like I have not made a close friend for years, probably 7 or 8, and I am only 21. it is not like I cannot make friends or acquaintances -- I can -- for example at university I have people to *do things* with, e.g. get coffee, go out for drinks, etc. We know each other, and in fact we know some stuff about each other that is more than just surface level. They were there for me when I had a mental health crisis earlier this year. But it just does not feel the same. We do not laugh, the conversation does not feel natural, I do not feel fully ""known"" in the way that a deep friendship let us you feel known and loved and accepted -- and sometimes I will see my school friends after, say, seeing my uni friends, and it will feel so good, so natural, so *easy.* Obviously this is maybe expected, as I have known my school friends for much longer, but I have also known my uni friends for a solid chunk of time, and I still feel like we are only *acquaintances.* And it is so frustrating because my school friends are all making new deep friendships at uni, and I feel like I just cannot. it is not like I do not try -- I do -- it is just that it never goes any deeper than surface level friendship. And I want to feel the kind of warmth and connection and excitement of meeting a new friend again so badly -- a feeling I can barely remember. tl;dr I cannot feel genuine connection with new people anymore. Is this a depression thing? I just want to feel genuine human connection again",Depression +13251,"I do not even know how to respond. They could not even give me a reason why, although deep down I know the reason and it is not something I have control over. I am so embarrassed... I was not even good enough for a fucking minimum wage job. And now I am going to have to take anti anxiety meds so that I can somehow manage to go interview somewhere else and ridicule myself even more. I hate this. This job was one of the few things in my life I felt like I could control, one of the only things that gave me false hope that I was going to turn my life around. I even made friends. Now I am back to square one. kind of wish I could just disappear. I lost my job today",Depression +13252,"Recently I have been feeling alright but then last night I got really drunk and now I feel like I am back where I started. The urge to end my life has creeped back into my brain and I cannot get myself to do anything. None of my old tricks to cheer myself up has worked, any tips? I was doing good until last night",Suicidal +13253,"Hello, My mom, brother and sister have all suffered from depression and anxiety most of their lives. They have even attempted suicide. I have never considered myself depressed. I am usually upbeat and positive, but internally I have conflict and no motivation to do anything. My wife encouraged me to talk to a doctor about what I am feeling so I scheduled and went to an appointment yesterday. He asked me a TON of questions about my daily activities, my family history, my current household situation, sleep habits, eating habits, work life, everything else I cannot even remember. He came to the conclusion that I major depressive disorder. He said I showed possible signs of mania (which would result in a bi polar diagnosis) but he wants to have a few more appointments with me before he determines anything. He started me off with a low dose of Zoloft. I have not taken it yet because I am still skeptical that I am even depressed. I feel generally ok, even though I have times where I feel like absolute crap (never suicidal) and other days I am happy to be alive and accomplish task. ***I am NOT looking for anyone's approval of my doctor's diagnosis***, but I am wondering if anyone else discovered they suffered from depression even though they felt ""normal""? Do I need to inform my work about this? I recently took a client-facing job working with our firms biggest client so I have no idea how this and the medication will affect me, but I will consult my doctor on any symptoms. New to this - not sure where to start",Depression +13254,"fuck, just fuck. fuck, seriously fuck, fuck. end me ffs WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY",Suicidal +13255,"If i manage to achieve what i want now then i live where the life goes. (graduation and find a job what i want) But if i cannot, there is only solution for me. Suicide. I do not want to live anymore. I had enough trouble for now and i cannot take it anymore. 3 months left",Depression +13256,"I do not really have much to say, there is plenty to say I just do not know how to word it, I really just need to know why nothing ever goes my way, I woke up this morning and finally got the new face products my girlfriend and I ordered online, I said we should test them all out and she agreed, yeah well long story short I got out of the shower and an hour later was dumped, she was packing her stuff telling me to take her to down to her sisters, all because of a petty argument she started days earlier that she brought back up, not only that but the argument was only started because she kept talking over me and got pissed off when I got pissed off from her constantly doing it.I have got no one in my life, I never have really, it is always been me and only me, I have got 4 months to find a job then move out of my parents house, but unfortunately I am a 22 year old with $21 to my name and thanks to covid it is now impossible for me to even get a job. Not that is was possible before because of the fact that I am a young person with Supervisor and management experience within a large company, however even with that it does not count for anything because I apply for jobs lower than what I am qualified for but to employers I am ""too qualified for that position"" or I am ""not qualified enough"" when I apply for jobs I am qualified for due to being young, on top of that goodluck to me in finding a job that will even pay enough to survive on.I truly do not understand what I did wrong, I am not a bad person, I have tried so hard to help everyone I can and yet no one is ever there for me, this is all just a small brush over for some of my problems, I guess after all I had a bit to say.Thank you to however takes the time to read this and I apologise for any grammartical errors, I suppose I just want someone to know a little bit because it just helps to believe that. I just do not know what to do anymore",Depression +13257,"Hi all, first time here hope you guys are doing well. To start, I can tell you that being a 5 foot tall male living here in America is worse than death. Everyone treats me like absolute shit, from strangers, friends, family, and of course women. it is already challenging making friends, dating life is on a whole other level of difficulty. I have had countless instances from strangers to even family giving me dirty looks, treating me unfairly solely for my height. I have followed the advice of what short males should do, such as working on yourself by improving looks, earning money, confidence, personality, etc. I have done all that, I am an attractive guy, I have money, and I am muscular for my size. I workout and I am 160lbs at 18% bodyweight, which is huge for my size. Despite all these positives that everyone says you should focus on, it has not changed a thing as far as dating life. There has been two instances in which I have been told the exact quote ""I would date you if you were taller"" by my crushes, once in high school and the other recently in college, and these events destroyed me. I do not get any attention from women even though I have all these attributes. I cannot really blame them because they can probably find someone else who has exactly all the same qualities as me, only that they are taller so why the fuck would they go for me? I am nothing special. I am currently 20, studying a passion that I love at a good university, and I have a family that cares for me. Those are the only reasons I have not offed myself yet. My parents have used so much of their time and money putting into my education and life, and I know if I kill myself my entire family's life will be ruined forever. And my depression/suicidal thoughts are completely hidden from them because I am too embarrassed to tell them or anyone else for the matter. it is just not an option, I am sorry. Reflecting on my current life, I literally have no friends. Barely had any success dating wise. These past years have made me turn into a person that I never thought I would become. I began hating everyone I see, especially if they were taller because I keep questioning why life fucked me over for my height while everyone else gets to enjoy theirs normally. And I am sorry if you think this is not a reason for suicide, but to me it is been the biggest problem of my life that I just cannot handle any longer. I really do not know how much longer I can tolerate this. I fear that I will never get to live a normal life as everyone else from enjoying time with friends to being loved romantically with a partner, so why would I waste anytime and just end it all now? Purpose of living as a 5 foot tall male?",Suicidal +13258,"I officially wrote a suicide note, I wanted to kill myself today but kept thinking of my friend and family who all rely on me for strength and how they would have no shoulder to cry on when things got hard. Then thinking they would also kill them selves. I could not bare that thought. I hate that I am so needed and keeping everyone together I know I am loved. If I was not I could easily kill myself. They all do not know that I have had suicidal thoughts. And I get to this real low point. People never realize the strongest people are the ones that are hurting the most. And if I show sadness they take it lightly because how can this strong woman who offers advice and encouragement be truly hurting. I mentioned to my mom that I am depressed but she still chose to laugh in my face today as I broke down and cried. Which honestly triggered me to want to die. If she only knew. Now I have to pick myself back up and act as if I do not have two full pill bottles in front of me and that I did not just write a suicide note. Fake a smile for everyone that needs me. I cannot ever talk about my feelings I am traumatized from growing up learning to keep everything inside as my parents were emotionally unavailable to me as they tended to my siblings. They do not realize how toxic this was. Just wrote my suicide note",Suicidal +13259,"I see it now, the people who die are the lucky ones. Last month one of my cousins took his life and I remember standing there and screaming at him how could he do it. But I now slowly grasp what he would have gone to take this decision.I believe in god and I worship him everyday. I have asked him so many things and do not end up getting most of the things and its okay, its how life is. I have prayed, I worked my soul off, I sacrificed myself - all to be with the person I loved the most in the world. And I did, I did end up with her but only to get left off within few years. I figure god would have thought hmmmm you do not deserve to be normal - gave me what I desired the most and took her away in 4 years.If anyone is reading this, Imsorry I am sorry for wasting your time, I am a dissapointment and from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I do not want to wake up, i do not want to disturb anyone anymore. I understood my worth when she left me saying I am not worth it, what else do you want me to see here god? Please it has been a long run I have given it a year but the pain just keeps gettingworse. Please, end my misery I beg you please! Beginning to see why I am left alive",Suicidal +13260,"in the past eight months, i have not went a single day without desperately wanting to kill myself. in general my suicidal tendencies started when i was ten. i do not feel happiness or pleasure from anything, all i feel is depression, anger, excruciating pain, and nothing. the only thing that brings me relief is when i imagine my pov moments before my death, blood on my hands, slowly starting to feel faint until i take my final breath i do not look forward to anything. i do not get excited about anything. i do not want to do anything. all i want is to die. i am in so much pain, i am in an irreversable state. i am a lost because. there is to look forward to excpet my death. i just want to die so bad. i do not deserve life, i am an ungrateful, constantly sad, constantly angry little bitch. WHY cannot I JUST DIE? all i want is to die",Suicidal +13261,Why is everything so confusing Life is good at the moment but i still want to kms:/,Suicidal +13262,"I work, daydream, sleep.This is my routine.No feelings, no family, no friends.And it was my choice.I do not feel depressed: I just do not have any reason to fight for my life.I am not afraid to die, so why not?I should find someone to leave my pets with. Someone who loves them as I love them and who takes care of them.When I find that someone I probably will happily die. Work. Daydream. Sleep. Die.",Suicidal +13263,"He said he was falling to a black hole, and he would not want to meet me. it is been 4 months since. I kept texting him and he responded at first. I got worried when he said that he has not seen or talked to any friends. I know his sleeping and eating patterns were crappy even before. His family or other friends does not know about the depression. He said he has seeked help but I have not heard how is it going. He said that my messaged did not bother and he did not block me or anything even when I said he could ig it get overwhelming. it is been 2 months since he responded mey messages. Should I give him space or keep texting? I guess the history of dating makes me anxious that he would just cut all contact with me. Should I keep checking on a depressed guy (we used to date, but we are just friends now) who has withdrew from anyone and has not responded my texts for months?",Depression +13264,"waited 3 months for a referral to a new therapist, saw her 3 times, made just enough progress to bring all my fucking trauma to the surface... and immediately lost insurance coverage because my partner's boss decided to fire her with no warning because they got tired of accommodating her disabilitythis is the part where I would explain how long I have been trying to get better, and how every single fucking time it gets screwed up by someone else's cruelty or incompetence, but I just keep fucking trying, ""yeah, I am not going to kms yet, I am going to try one more thing I can always kms afterward if it does not work"" - I might be out of ""one more thing""s to try lol",Suicidal +13265,"I am planning to kill myself in the end of this month but I have a friend who, unlike me, has a future. this friend really care about me but things never get better, every single day things get worse for me.how i get to make this friend not sad about my death? Is there a way of making people do not care about my death?",Suicidal +13266,nothing has changed going to hang myself by the end of the month living is not worth it,Suicidal +13267,"Ever just lay awake at night not being able to sleep, but you cannot bring yourself to do anything else so you just lay there in the dark, until eventually you pull out your phone and start swiping back and forth hoping for something interesting to magically appear Then you inevitably go back to just sitting in the dark and some how through all the odds finally fall asleep, but then you realize now that your comfortable in your deep sleep your inevitability going to have to wake up sooner rather than later In the end you wake up feeling like shit and think to yourself it might just have been better to stay up all night. How do the commonfolk stay upbeat, how do they continue to thrive in such filth, why am i the only one being held down and made to wallow in despair. Why cannot I be set free? Why cannot i succeed? Why am i to be left alone? i just want to go. Tired",Depression +13268,"I forget a lot lately, one second i know what I am doing and the other one i forget everything or parts of it which is not normal for me, i forget how to do tasks and what some things mean, and their names in a matter of second.Few days ago something bad happened, and since then I am not okay at all, I am a mess, i mean, i was always a mess but this is the worst it got so far so i wonder is that why this is happening to me? Can mentally hitting rock bottom make you forget the simplest things?",Depression +13269,"There is nothing physically wrong with me. I am not sick. My diet is fine. I exercise and hydrate. I have noticed that the nausea is worse when I am feeling more depressed though. It makes it so hard to do anything. I am home from work today and I have so much I need to do, but every time I stand up I feel sick. I just keep laying down. And that makes me feel worse because I feel like I am just lazy and cannot accomplish anything. I am pretty much always nauseous now",Depression +13270,"I only live for my children. How to overcome that? I try to keep myself alive for those two beautiful innocent creatures whom I brought to this reality. I try to make sense of this world in terms of this love. This love is too strong to let go, yet pain of mental illness makes me want to die everyday.What gives? They see me suffer everyday. Feeling too fundamental to give it a title",Suicidal +13271,"it is should be relatively quick and painless. I hope that eases my family's minds a bit. Lately I have been thinking about using a more painful method. I do not feel like I deserve to go peacefully. I have had a great life, but my brain is broken and the effort is not worth it. I hate that I am going to hurt them but I will not let them see me get worse. I have everything ready I just need the courage to do it.",Suicidal +13272,I just bought a helium tank and everything I need. It was exhausting going out so I do not want to do the deed yet. I want to do it when I am feeling good enough to do it probably. The helium tank in in the back of my car so hopefully my friends will not look in there. I also put the other things in there. I hope they will not ask me to drive anywhere soon. I will probably do it tomorrow. If they found me out that would be fucked. I also want to be sure of my friends work shifts that day and how long they will be gone. I do not want to do it now and one of them pull up. So yeah if everything goes well I will be free. Going to die soon.,Suicidal +13273,"We are literally the strongest people for surviving this awful illness I hate the portrayal of depressed people as ""weak""",Depression +13274,I just lost all of my feelings I lost my only friend because I told her i love her she was the only thing that kept me going,Depression +13275,"I do not even want to explain what is wrong, i feel drained and i just want the easy way out I am exhausted",Suicidal +13276,"I have decided to end it. it will be sometime within the next couple of weeks. I want to help my friend fix their iPad and start looking at selling and giving away my things. it is been a wild 19 years, cannot deny that there is been good times but sadly the bad outweighs the good and has done what feels like irreparable damage. I am sorry, dad, for not being the child you wanted me to be. I always disappointed you but I hope me running away brought you some relief. It was not even your fault, it is was mostly mine, but your wife is what put the nail in the coffin for me. I have not spoken to you for what feels like forever yet every day I miss you, and imagine what our relationship could have been.I am sorry mum, for making so many years of your life a living nightmare. I never should have taken out my shit on you by yelling and screaming and punching holes in your walls. I never could forgive myself for what I did, even if I eventually showed you that I could change. Your stroke had a massive impact on me, it feels like you were never the same after and who can blame you. I feel so guilty for trying so hard to make you quit smoking, but it is because I cared so much and it was such an easy thing to cling to. I do not know.I am sorry to my sister, I also made so much of our time a living nightmare. You were essentially my mum when dad decided mum could not be in our life when we were kids. it is been amazing watching you grow up to have such a fulfilling life. Who knows, maybe someday I could have been an auntie. I am sorry to everyone else that I just constantly pushed away and shut out if my life instead of being honest and trying to be a good friend. A lot of you did not deserve what I have done.To Toby, you were my favourite cat. When you died it took so much from me. You were there for me more than my actual parents. You were literally my best friend and I am so upset that you suffered through the last moments of your life.To anyone who read this, thank you. I guess I will not know but I suppose if anyone took the time to read this, I am glad I was worth someone is 2 minutes. My actual last post.",Suicidal +13277,"I want life to feel beautiful, I want my future to feel bright. My family has no money to send me to a good school, and I am nowhere near smart or talented enough to get a scholarship. we are not terribly poor so no financial aid. Everyone warns against the careers I want to pursue. I have been stuck in a terrible situation for years now. No one cares, no one listens, and I do not think medication of therapy would help. I am doomed to live a nightmare life, I am doomed to suffer for what I have done. I have horrible physical pains and my doctors brush me off. I have been putting off my death for too long. It needs to be soon. It needs to be. I have been meaning to end it since 2019 and the longer I am alive the more pain I am in. Today I have hit an emotional roadblock, I lost motivation to draw, the one thing that is kept me going for a while now. I want to have a future that is satisfying and full but with the way I have fucked it up there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I attempted to talk to my sister's about it but they ignored me. I cry too much they are indifferent to it now. I need to end it. I do not even care if it is painful I just need to be dead. I do not technically want to die, but I do not think there is any other way out.",Suicidal +13278,I am in California. I understand this is legal but of course I am still pissed off. I am wondering how to explain this to my strict family. I am in my 20s and still living at home. Even if no fault means it was not my fault I have a feeling they will not believe me anyway. I know no one here can actually help me but I needed to just share somewhere how pissed I am.I do not think I can count this as getting laid off as they will not even tell me what the fuck happened other than it was at no fault. I just got a phone call from my manager notifying me that they decided to terminate me with no fault or because after only 3 shifts,Depression +13279,"Every one of my symptoms is completely real. None of my suffering is faked. In fact, I have not told anyone how bad I am, at most, some know little of it.that is why I feel bad for wanting to ""get attention"". Sometimes I feel like slitting my wrists in front of everyone to make them realize I am not well. I just want to feel that someone is there for me, that someone cares about me. Is this so much to ask? To feel that someone really cares about me? (and I reiterate on the word ""really"").I am in pain, I am falling apart, I cannot take it anymore.Even my family does not care about me!So I repeat: it is TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A FUCKING HUG?! OR FOR A SINCERE ""are you ok?""?!I am A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING THIS?! Is it wrong to want to attract attention?",Suicidal +13280,"Life just gets worse and worse every year. Each year I have fewer and fewer friends & today I had a kind of realisation about how few real friends I have left. I feel so left behind, and so behind in life. It seems that everyone else - or at least my friends - go through rough times but then find some sort of joy eventually, whereas my life is just grey and constantly disappointing. In every situation where me and a friend have been bonding and laughing over not having a relationship/ job/ or just being generally unhappy, they have gone on and achieved those things and every time it is just me again, alone in my unhappiness. & I honestly do not think I will ever be happy. I have lost the ability to connect to new people -- I lost that a long time ago, or at least I feel like I did. I have not really made a new close friend in about 8 years, and I am 21, so that is quite a big chunk of my life. (Is that a common depression experience? the inability to make new friends?) I do not get crushes on people or feel the need to be in a relationship. I do not feel sexual attraction anymore. And because of all those things it means that I am just clinging onto school friends who are moving on in life & making new and better friends & achieving some form of adult responsibility. And because of my inability to connect to new people I just feel -- how can I be happy? I feel so strongly that I will just be forever alone & lonely & dissatisfied & unhappy & reminiscing about a period of my adolescence where I did feel happy, where I did feel connected to people, and like I belonged, etc. And people say ""well! you will not be able to make close friends or be happy with an attitude like that, will you!?"", which maybe is in part true, because obviously I have a very hopeless and negative outlook on life, but it is like, what am I meant to fucking feel or think? I have been increasingly unhappy for about 5 years now, and at first I had hope. At first I thought things would change. At first it seemed totally probable that life would not always be this way. But now I am totally hopeless and feel like things will never change. I just feel like everyone else has this ability to grow and change and ""heal"" from mental illness, even if it takes a long time. But I have been unhappy for so long now I just cannot foster any substantial hope for the future. And the fact that I feel nothing but a vague sense of bitterness and jealousy towards my friends who are now eventually in a good place contributes to my feeling that I am a bad person, among 100 other things -- and perhaps also a feeling that no one will ever love me because I am unloveable and intrinsically bad. I am so done",Depression +13281,"The title says it all. A couple years ago, I was lucky enough to put my studies into practice for a small individual project. I did both my job and acted as a supervisor too (big mistake). The resulting product was released some months ago. My anxiety was killing me, at the time. Knowing that everyone could have access to it was unnerving. The first reviews rated it pretty highly, but today, after not checking them for a while, I saw it. All well, except for what I did. Five stars. For a bundle of nevrosis like me, that hit bad, really bad. To the point that I am questioning if I should continue on this road or not, and all the other bleak thoughts. &#x200B;I had put all myself into this and I thought I did everything correctly. Heck, I felt like I did a good job and that is probably what makes me feel worse: my incompetence did not make me see my own mistakes. I probably disappointed both my contractor, who was very helpful with my university paper, and all those who spent their hard earned money on that shit. I made a huge mess and there is nothing I can do to solve it. Fuck me and this rotten brain I have. Why am I even trying to get a master's degree if all I do turns into garbage? I am only wasting my parents' money and creating false expectations like always&#x200B;The lesson learned is this: no matter how hard you work, it does not matter if you are a good for nothing fraud, a laughing stock I am a joke and there is nothing I can do about it",Depression +13282,Anyone have any knowledgeog a decently quick painless way to got without using a gun? Thanks Painless and quick without gun?,Suicidal +13283,"In one week I am going to be on the streets, with zero dollars to my name. No phone, nothing. I have absolutely no family or friends to turn to. Its a really long story, but my life has been a mess for years. My mom had to sell our house to get money because she has not been able to work due to health issues. We had a plan in place, everything was going okay. Then my moms lawyer called today and said settlement is not going to go through for various reasons. I was going to go into residential treatment to get help, because therapy has not been enough for me. Obviously cannot do that or even continue therapy with no money now. My mom needs to be hospitalized to get her bipolar under control and that cannot happen now either with no money. Its really all fucking over now. Just found out I am going to be homeless soon.",Suicidal +13284,"I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot do anything right. My mother is my biggest torment and I feel so alone. I was an accident child, and I feel like she hates me for that and for looking so much like her ex-husband, my father, who left us three years ago. I helped her do everything for the divorce, every document and affidavit - I did. But still every day she reminds me what a failure I am. And my father never speaks to me anymore I am a recovered anorexic, I have already attempted 3 times before, and I still struggle with SH/OCD. My eating disorder was a result of years since childhood being told by her to watch what I eat or no one will like me and bullying. I finally recovered in college and got a boyfriend who supports me, so I gained a bit of healthy weight. And now that I am graduated and at home all she does is berate me about my body and the things I cannot do right. I have not been eating and I am SHing again, and I feel like I am in a corner with nowhere to go. I have been searching for a job with no luck for 3 months since graduation just so I can get out of here. I cannot even speak in my home without a lecture. I only have my car and have been thinking about living in it if it means I do not have to see her anymore. But honestly I do not want to even exist - my existence was a mistake that should not have happened. Everything would be so much easier if I left this earth. I do not want to be here anymore",Depression +13285,"No matter what I do, what I accomplish I always feel like I am a burden on the people around meI feel lonely but do not have the courage to talk to anyone. I am always escaping from reality by wasting time on my phone, drawing , studying. I do not like the sounds in my head. it is so loud. I want it to stop. I want it to end. I want to die. I feel like a liability",Suicidal +13286,The only thing holding me back is my family. It would ruin them and they love me so much. I still cannot shake this feeling that i have an absolutely hopeless future and i do not want to live anymore. I am 25 and just finished my masters and cannot even bring myself to look for a job. Feel like I have no friends left and i cannot move out yet for financial reasons but also when I am left alone with my thoughts i get so miserable to the point where I am worried about what Ill do. I have hinted at these feelings to the only person i really consider a friend in a hope hell talk it through with me but that went nowhere. I know if i tell my mom she will be devastated and i do not really know where to go from here. do not even know what I am looking for here - i just kind of like not feeling like a freak for having these thoughts. No hope for the future and want to die so bad,Suicidal +13287,I cannot fucking take it anymore.I cannot TAKE THIS ANYMORE.FUCK. Everything around me is falling apart.,Depression +13288,"I posted here not too long ago that I was thinking of having suicidal thoughts after being diagnosed with genital herpes. And sad to say that those thoughts have not yet subsided. I wake up every day hating life. Feeling like a she will of human. Just waking up getting stupid drunk to feel ""Good"" but by the end of the day. I still feel like a disgusting. Inhumane creature. Idk how to get through this bitch ass life. I got to deal with this disease forever and I rather be off dead than to deal with it. I have recently almost got alcohol poisoning 3 times recently but too much pain. Maybe my shotgun. Nobody understand this pain. And nobody cares:) I just got to act like it does not hurt me :/ Herpes is going to be the death of me",Suicidal +13289,I deserve it and I know that I deserve it. Its my fault. I ruined all of my relationships. I am unhealthy and can barely get myself to eat. I cannot motivate myself to go to work. I cannot handle the side effects from my medications. I cannot make any progress in therapy. I cannot do anything to help myself. I fucking deserve this. I cannot get better and its my fault. Its absolutely my fault that I feel like this,Depression +13290,"tw: death""Existential dread"" I have heard the phrase thrown around a lot but did not really know what it means. I think it was triggered after my grandpa died, and my mom turning 50, and being left alone with my thoughts during the summer. I do not know how to cope with it, but I have tried to stay out of my room. I only go in there to sleep - and I have been waking up at 4 AM every day to sit in the car for hours. Then I will take midol and fall asleep at 8 PM. I stopped showering as often, stopped eating. I eat breakfast and that is it. I have tried to stay hydrated at least. I am currently working on creative projects (a web series, lots of writing), and it provides a distraction. But I have nothing to do after that. I recently met up with a childhood friend and even when we talked I felt myself feeling depressed 'why am I even here right now nothing matters' idk. I tried clinging to religion but even that does not help me. I find myself worrying about running out of time. I am 21, and just started my first year of college. I feel like a lot of people meet their soulmates when they are 18-21 and are ready to get married after a while. I do not know what I want in life. I am increasingly worried about my mom, 50 is half your life.. The thought of only having her for 20/30 years or so hurts. does not seem like enough time you know? Sometimes I would rather die than have to experience the people around me dying. Does anyone know how to cope with this? Or is anyone else dealing with this type of stuff? I found something that explains how I feel",Depression +13291,"You once dreamed of being a writer. You once dreamed of being an artist, a drawer. You once dreamed as a child, that your rebellious and individualistic ideology would have a place in this society. Professors and teachers recognized your ability to see the world in a way other people could not see and question things that no one else questioned. You won advanced placement awards. Your AP teachers ADMIRED the way you think based on the way you wrote. You won artist awards two years in a row. This is an art that you never were taught to invest in.Your single mother never had enough time to put any effort into caring about your talents. You never had any recognition besides those that awarded you. No one invested in you. She did not care enough. She does not care enough to to invest in your talent, she BARELY cares enough to invest in the bare necessities. Are children who grew up in single parent households more likely to be antinatalist? I am. I know from other family members that she would have wanted to abort me. I wish she did. do not have a kid when you are not ready. The Child will KNOW when you resent them. Trust me.The childs perspective I am a living sentient being but because I am not wanted I fell like an obligation. Save parenthood until you only want it for sure. I am HERE, I am STUCK HERE, I wish I was aborted so I do not have to because so much grief in my family when I do die. I do not want to be here. I do not want to be here. You barely half assed wanting me to be here. Motherhood is not meant for everyone. Stop trying to trick people into wanting parenthood.PEOPLE FIND OUT That THEY REGERT PARENTHOOD WHEN ITS TOO LATE. If you have second thoughts then please do not have kids. Kids deserve someone who is one hundred percent sure about them . This is what I am discovering about relationships. I do not want to be second guessed. I do not want to feel like an obligation. Ill isolate until I feel like I am valued or wanted. I do not see a point in living. You had a kid just to keep her alive. You kept me alive. there is more to life than that and I do not know what it is. Fuck you.If any of you have kids that you 1. Leave behind and forget about or 2. leave with a single parent then FUCK YOU YOU SELFISH PEICE OF SHITWe live lives. Were people. And you have invested nothing. I have nothing because I have been given nothing. You ONCE dreamed - Note to Self",Suicidal +13292,I play college soccer which is my only accomplishment. Everything else I fail at. Ill probably off myself this week. bye,Suicidal +13293,I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. 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I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE.,Suicidal +13294,I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE.,Depression +13295,Oh Why are there so many members of this community but such few active ones? Surely there would be a reas-,Suicidal +13296,"I am going through a divorce right now, I was told my mental health was the reasoning , but he had a girlfriend the day after he told me he wanted a divorce. I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and I am about to start taking medication for depression and anxiety. I am broken , I never want to feel this hurt again but I miss the feeling of love. I have been going on a downward spiral of drinking more, smoking cigarettes, burning myself, sex that I do not even care for. I just do not want to feel hurt anymore.. just needed to vent it out. I am not ok",Depression +13297,"Ever since I was a little kid I grew up thinking I was inferior. The culture I was raised in was very colorist and restrictive, and the fact my skin tone was on the darker side made me subject to all kinds of insecurity. I was indirectly programmed to believe I was not enough and that I was unattractive. My family emigrated and I grew up in a country in which I am a minority. This made it even worse. I already expected people to treat me like shit and I would not speak to people because I was almost certain that they would want nothing to do with me. Now when I look in the mirror or when somebody takes a picture of me, my entire mood/day is ruined. I feel sick and disgusted to the core. Society is incredibly hard wired to evaluate the worth of a person just by the way they look, which I guess then makes me a nobody. I have boundless, unconditional self hatred. I could not hate any entity in the universe more than I despise myself. My self hatred just continues to perpetuate itself. Everywhere I go I see beautiful ,perfect faces. Every time I check my phone. Every time I turn on the TV. Every time I go for a walk outside. I feel so disgusting and hideous compared to everybody else. I am unable to see myself in any other way. I feel as if I am undeserving of love, affection, friendship. I deserve nothing. When I see a pretty girl, I do not think about how pretty she is, but how disgusted she would be to know that a guy like me found her attractive. I isolate myself from friends and family. I sometimes ask my friends why they even want to speak to me. I want to be attractive. I want to feel confident. I want to be loved. I want to have a family and raise children and be successful. I want to be somebody else, somebody who is not me. I just want to be happy. And I never will be. Self esteem is destroying my life (rant)",Depression +13298,"I appreciate you for having a big heart when help is needed. Even if it is the littlest thing possible, you were there. I love you for being real with yourself. It may not be pleasant, but you fought through it hard.Somewhere, someone in this world is still mending their very own broken heart. It could be you. But best believe, another broken soul is actually yearning to be loved by you. they are patiently keeping their big heart for you too. It might not happen instantly, but always have faith. This post may not be seen by many and it will be fine. I am paying forward my hope for you to be as good as you have been trying to. Keep on going, my dear stranger.I love you from the other side of the earth. I love you,",Depression +13299,"Lately, I have probably been at the deepest point in my life. It feels like I will never be able to get out of this dark position anymore. And then I usually start to think about some things. People say ""life is hard"" and ""it are not all rainbows and sunshines"". But I wonder, do I really have to experience all this pain? Do I have to go through this, in order to live a ""valid"" life? Is life really this painful? Does everyone get tested like this? did not I really live, if I could not handle the pain anymore? Is this really what living consists of? Because in that case, life really sucks. Do I have to go through all this pain?",Depression +13300,Idk life is just getting harder and harder tbh I might end it all soon I been feeling worse,Suicidal +13301,Everything becomes worse and worse over time. it is a constant nightmare. I just want to fucking die. Why cannot one of those panic attacks be an actual heart attack resulting in death? Why cannot I die a sudden death because of a brain aneurysm? Why cannot I just go to sleep and never wake up again? My whole life is absolutely fucked.,Depression +13302,"Could one of you help me? I just need to be able to buy basic necessities stuff for me and my dog. I know this is not the right subreddit to post this stuff but in fact I am someone who wants to die and that is one of the reasons I am not within the rules for posting to the correct subs. If you want more information and are interested in helping, I can explain it better in the chat. If you could help",Suicidal +13303,"I know there is no way to turn back time, as its just a fantasy imagination. If there was a way to turn back time, I would apologize to those close to me about my behavior and mistakes. In the present day now, an ex-friend of mine has brainwashed another friend of mine into turning against me. I have always felt lonely and did not feel appreciated. Ever since last week and this week, I have been looking up ways to kill myself. The friend that was turned against me would ask me what I was doing everyday, and I would say I am watching videos, but instead watching ways how people killed themselves.I just wanted to feel appreciated and cared about, but I cannot have that. When my friend hugged me weeks ago in a library, I was thinking this would be my last hug before I go. He always made me happy and laugh a lot, and that would be the last. I wish this pandemic did not exist, because it made the people I was friends with different now. I want someone who can listen to how I feel and to be comforted. Someone who can give warm hugs and supportive advice, a shoulder to cry on. I do not know when to do it, but when I find a day and time, I will finally be happy. If turning back time was real",Suicidal +13304,"I have had depression for years now but recently it is become clear that when I leave work my depression really amps up. I cannot simply quit my job, is this my reality for the rest of my life? Depression after work",Depression +13305,"I feel like I am extremely unhappy with life. Mostly due to circumstances but even when things are going well, I have suicidal thoughts almost every single day and have been having suicidal thoughts for many many years at this point. However, I still get up and go to work, bathe myself, take care of house chores, etc. It seems like the classic manifestation of depression is people no longer able to work, take care of themselves, sleep all day, etc. (I believe my mom has depression and exhibited a lot of these symptoms when I was growing up). Do I have depression or something else?",Depression +13306,Recently my life has just been on a downward spiral. I do not enjoy spending time with my friends anymore. The only person I see is my boyfriend and I have began to feel like I am a burden to him. My family only reinforces that I have nothing going for me. Its so depressing to finally feel like your making baby steps just for a family member to take it all away from you with just a few harsh words. I feel stuck. I feel like I have nothing going for me,Depression +13307,"I am 19 years old. I am unemployed. I do not go to school. I live in an abusive enviroment with my mom and the grandfather who sexually molested me as a kid. My dad is sorta a deadbeat and does not care about my emotions and sees me as a burden. My beloved grandma who i lived with since i was 11, died last month suddenly at the age of 64.My life is a complete fucking waste. I am a waste of space. I have no support system. I have no friends. Nothing makes me happy. I have extreme anxiety. No one gets it.People keep telling me to 'look on the bright side' as if the problem is with the way I think rather than the way I feel. As if the problem has nothing to do with my bullshit life.No one gets it. I look around me and all I see is pain",Depression +13308,"I have posted here many times before. Every time its been about planning to do it, but I end up backing out because I am a fucking pussy. I will not be hurting anymore. I saw a post a few days ago about mourning the child who had aspirations, who thought I would have done big things by now. That child would be devastated if they could see where I have ended up. I am going to post my note here, my final bit of words:Break. Clarification for false devastation, drowning by days, by mids, by nights. Yearn to cease from forced creation, rip the eyes, destroy the sight. Come none without ulteriors had, theatrics claimed by lot. No word for such abyssal sad. To recall is best to not. Grip lost, high cost candy for the brain. Beg for one to comprehend frustrating, grating pain. Fear too great, instinct still lingers, no knowledge of what is next. For all required is a push of fingers, the spirit has been vexed. Though none of them can see, Ill put the names anyway. Thank you Eddie. Thank you Blaine. Thank you Andy. Thank you Noah. Thank you Lex. Thank you Archie. Thank you Lily. Thank you Jamie. Thank you Claudia. Thank you Grandmother. Thank you Benjamin, and Raven, and Miss Kitty, and Mika, and Kira, my precious, precious furbabies. Ill see you Max, my first kitty, my baby. I love you all. I have decided. I am doing it tonight and I am not wussing out this time.",Suicidal +13309,"like the title says, I am being faced with many questions regarding my future. I am so indecisive and have no idea what i want out of life. I am going to college in august and idk what to major in. all of this has sent me spiraling into research online for what jobs might interest me.. this has caused me to fall into a depression. i cannot stop thinking about how meaningless this is all is. how unimportant money is in the big picture. I am feeling discouraged because i have no passion for a job. and I am starting to fall into a little existential crisis about life and capitalism and our society nowadays and how we all just mindlessly work a 9-5, no joy, etc. I am feeling scared and hopeless for the future. i feel like there is no point. I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety and on meds but I have been doing so good recently, until now. all this talk about the future has sent me into a dark depression. how do i stop obsessing ? thank you being faced with so many questions of what career/major in choosing, thoughts of the future is making me depressed",Depression +13310,"Persistent depression from a year and an halfHi, I am new here and I need some help. I am suffering from depression and I am taking Efexor 400 mg. I also take quetiapine and Xanax sometimes when I have anxiety or panic attacks or the OCD intensifies. I have changed many antidepressants, but my depression is still strong, not like one year ago, but its still here and its still bothering me everyday: I cannot study anymore (this year I missed the last year of high school, and consequently also the maturity. And I passed the fourth class for the different evaluation because of the start of COVID).I think about suicide almost everyday, but I am staying here for my family and some of my friends.I could never hurt them.Personally I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried so many medicines, and different activities for goin against depression symptoms but it seems like all is useless. Should I change medicines again? Should I give up on this life? Please help Help please",Depression +13311,I have made a few posts on this subreddit and I just feel guilty. I feel like all I was trying to do was dig for attention or something. My own brain is so against me that I second guess everything I do as a way to cry for help and get mad at myself. I will not make anymore posts here and will probably avoid reading posts as they just make me feel worse. I am sorry,Suicidal +13312,"Its been 2 months since I have last been in the hospital/psych ward buuut.. I want to go back. This is becoming almost like an addiction. Things in school are not great right now and instead of problem solving, I just want to go to the hospital and have a break for a few days. that is not good. Like I fucking MISS the psych ward?!? Damn Accomplishment but vent",Suicidal +13313,My mom will not sign the papers to release her rights as primary parent. I am currently at my dads house and I am not happy but happier with my dad and wish Id made the decision years ago. School starts in less than two weeks and I do not want to go. I am thinking of telling my mom if she does not let me move I am going to take my life or severely disrespect her as long as I am under her roof. I do not know what else to do. My heart is weighed down with so much pain. Toxic decisions,Suicidal +13314,I do not even know why I cannot just fucking do it already. Every time I get to this point I talk myself down only to go back to how things were that made me suicidal to begin with. I am done. I want out of this life. I am such a fucking coward... why cannot I just do it already?,Suicidal +13315,"I am so suicidal and depressed, I do not have anyone to talk to about it. My husband always says ""you do not have anything to be sad about"" and my parents do not believe in mental health issues. Idk what to do, I have tried before in my teens, obviously failed since I am writing this and idk if I can go through it again but also I am so done with everything. TW: suicide.",Depression +13316,THE KITCHEN KNIFE was not SHARP ENOUGHwhat to do now? tried to cut myself and this happened..,Suicidal +13317,I can think of nothing pleasurable that was practical to do at the time. How were people I am industrial times not killing themselves en masse?,Depression +13318,i was born in a family of two sisters are came from a foster home because my mum and dad could not have a child a few years past and well here i am i guess I am a miracle do not feel like it though lost my girlfriend 3 weeks ago i miss her so much she made me want to be a better person and she made all my insecurities go away we spoke about a future and i guess i do not ever know if that will ever happenive always had a family rivalry from my mums side to my dads side I have always been in the crossfire between arguments for example my dads side telling me things and my mums side telling me thingsmy sister has got social services involved to charge my dad for child abusehe never hit me and I have never seen him hit heri had to call 999 today (emergency phone number in the uk) to stop a mate from killing himself and he hates mei just want to end my life i do not feel like I have ever had a place in this world and its becoming overwhelming i wish she could just hug me whilst i cried but no one has ever stayed long enough i hate my shit life my pretty life,Suicidal +13319,I m feeling unloveable for year's and I am noticing that now and I am noticing that I did not love anybody my whole life too I just love peoples behaviors I loved the feeling that my parents are loving me but it goes away a couple of year's ago I do not love any of my friends and I do not have much they do not love me too I am just trying to talk them about my depression and they all change the topic I just want to feel loveable I feel like shit which is unloveable and cannot love anything I cannot feel anything anymore I want this loneliness to go I just want to feel loveable,Depression +13320,i just cannot keep doing this anymore. i do not feel happy unless I am high or drunk and everything feels like too much responsibility. I am tired of spending all my days being so fucking apathetic and zoned out. i wish there was an easy way out feels like my life is over,Suicidal +13321,"I have wanted to kill myself for so long. Probably over 10 years. I thought that if I improved my life I would get better. I got married, became an attorney, and got a pretty good job. None of that really helped. I had done therapy several times before, but never medication. So about 6 months ago I went and got on Prozac. At first it seemed to help, but then it tapered off so I doubled the dose. Now even that seems to not be enough. Even with my attorney job, medical care in the you.S. is still insanely expensive. What I am on right now definitely is not working, and I want to try something else or get my Testosterone tested or get tested for ADHD or something, I do not know, but I have run out of money. I cannot even afford to renew my car registration. How do people afford this shit? Like I work my ass off and have a good education and I cannot even afford basic mental health care. I want to keep trying to make it, I really do, but I just do not see how this ever works. Tried to get help, ran out of money. I do not know what to do.",Depression +13322,"I literally have NO CLUE why the hell I am writing here... this is pissing me off... I guess I have some questions but there is part of me scared that rather than me getting demotivated and turned away from my thoughts, I might actually give others bad ideas. Whatever...it is just beyond frustration to google the ""so many versions"" of the same question, which might be obvious since I am writing in this sub, and then get the same fucking results every single time just from different websites with the same retarded ""self-help"" ideas (that do not work btw!).But I digress... So here is the meat of the issue: there is absolutely no point to life and/or living. Living makes zero sense and the only logical thing to do is death. And the more I try to distance myself from this shit the more it pursues me. I cannot see the point of life and living, which is not even the biggest issue in and of itself, but I can see a truckload of reasons to die. Guess that is where I am at: no reasons to live, but too many to count to end it.Wherever I google reasons to keep going, all that comes up is stuff like ""tomorrow is another day"", ""it is going to get better if you give it some time"" and ""just get through today"". HEY ASSHOLE! How about after 3.000 (literally) *another day* that sentence seems more like a threat than a message of hope? How about it not getting better? How about getting through today is THE VERY REASON for this? there is only so many *todays* you can get through.Some are even worse, like ""try new things"", ""change how you do things"" and ""Jesus loves you"". The first two basically do not even consider that it might go both ways, whereas the last... Not even going to address it. Honestly, I guess if I could believe (however I cannot, and also am conflicted about it) then it would trick me into the whole ""divine plan"" kind of thing which, as stupid as it is, at least would make it all make sense.Also why bother going to a shrink? To what? Get myself pumped up on drugs that will numb me and, supposedly, get me through another 30 years of this shit? it is not like it would solve the core issue. It would not provide for immortality, hence still ending up in the same place through different means, nor would it give life purpose. So to speak, ignoring truth does not make it less true.I do realize most of the mainstream stuff has the purpose of getting the people who are going through a specific moment and after that they can go back to normal. But what about... people like... me? Those for whom ""this"" is normal. It is abhorrent to think that once all the layers of BS are stripped, all that is left is a world of pain, nothingness, suffering and decay. And if you think I am selfish well FUCK YOU! Had I been selfish probably my life would not have been the total shitshow that it was/is, and I would not be here (mentally, not on reddit).Is it really eating, sleeping, sex, work, drugs and defecating all there really is to life? And do not give me the whole ""human emotions"" crap, we all know those are just chemicals released by our bodies (and easily created in a lab) to make us perceive something that logically is not there. it is so bad to be in the tunnel and realize the light is a lie (pardon the lame videogame homage).I feel pretty pathetic for writing this, but at this point might aswell post it and see if someone has an answer to offer. no idea why I am doing this but looking for an answer",Suicidal +13323,"I have had anxiety and depression issues for a pretty long time. Ten days ago, my appetite suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. It has recovered very, very slightly, but I have to force myself to consume 1,000 calories a day. I do not know what happened to my appetite.When I eat, I get some throat tightness and nausea, but I am able to keep the food down.My blood pressure has also gone way up, to around 145/95. I keep getting episodes of brain fog, feel like I cannot focus on anything, and lose all interest in things. (For instance, I was re-watching WandaVision before, but then the ""brain fog"" hit and I lost interest in watching it.) I also get occasional facial ""flushing,"" where it feels like my face and forehead are hot.What is going on with me? Do any of these symptoms sound familiar to anyone? Is this some kind of psychological episode, or am I afflicted with some kind of cancer that suddenly and completely destroyed my appetite? I do not know what in the world is wrong with me. Did I reach some kind of psychological ""tipping point"" and fall over the edge? Do I need some kind of high-powered medication to get back on the right track? (Note: Not currently taking any meds, used to take Lexapro but quit 3 or 4 months ago because it was making me too tired.)Any help is appreciated, at this point I just do not know what is going on. I am seeing a therapist this afternoon. Zero appetite for 10 days, blood pressure through the roof, brain fog, facial flushing - is this psychological, or a medical issue? Help!",Depression +13324,"god bless the random usernames reddit gives you when you log in with apple. hi. 18(f) here. i just moved to texas after spending all my life in michigan. i grew up in a very odd household. my father introduced me to those adult cartoons at a very young age and my mother was always working. i have three brothers, all older. my oldest is the only one that struggles with his mental illness as well. a little background for whoevers reading.as I am typing this, I am lying on a pull-out bed in my grandmas living room and I am considering walking to my purse to grab my pills and take them all. i cannot do this anymore. my mother and i have always been extremely close so long as my mental health problems are not obvious. it is not as if i think she does not love me. i know she does. i think it has to do with her ex boyfriend. are they exes if they died while you are with them? boyfriend. old boyfriend. whatever. he killed himself after he got a DUI. went home and blew his head off with a shotgun. i do not actually know if his head blew off. always had nightmares about what it would have looked like but i never got to see him. i saw what it did to my mother and i dealt with it first hand. i was in middle school, i think. she shut down entirely. my grandmother is in the hospital and my mother spends most of her time there with her. its selfish of me to be upset over it, i know, but .. again. her and i have always been close. old therapist told me i sought ( seek? ) validation from her. you cut yourself because you want her to notice, you get into fowl moods because you want her to care. i do not exactly think she is wrong. so, anyways. with grandma in the hospital I am home alone. i do not do anything productive, either. i lie here and sometimes i pretend I am in a coma. wake up an hour later to pretend I am just coming out of said coma only to slip back into it again. other times i get so angry i want to stab my leg. i have no one to talk to. my dad thinks I am selfish for even being depressed, my mom and i fight every time i bring up why I am upset, and my brothers just do not get it.I am struggling, obviously. and i do not think i want to die but god, its getting harder and harder to convince myself I have got a purpose. even now, typing this, i feel like a fraud. like being eloquent in a reddit post about suicide means i do not actually want to kill myself. i remember feeling like this as a kid and thinking about how it was something sick i inherited from my family. now it feels like a part of me. an extension, maybe. it mostly feels like god does not, in fact, give his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. it feels like the exact opposite.some advice would be good, i guess. thank you to whoever reads all this. a pathetic cry for help",Suicidal +13325,"So I was feeling really bad lately. Tried to kill myself three times during a week. Covered my whole body with bruises and cuts, and by whole body I mean whole body, like, my ass and genitals too, my neck, my face, my fingertips.I hate myself more without makeup than with, but I cannot just do makeup in one go. It takes hours because I need breaks because seeing my own face deforming in the mirror makes me cry, I am so fucking ugly. I sleep about 2-3 hours every day, sometimes I do not sleep at all. He told me to drink lemon balm tea and that we all have bad moments and I do not need psychiatric treatment. I asked for something for sleep. He said he will not give me anything because I would eat the whole pack at once as a suicide attempt. Huh, I am glad that I am finally all good and healthy. Apparently I am ok. My new psychiatrist said that.",Depression +13326,I have always been depressed and it all blew up a few years ago and i ended up having to quit public school and attend therapy for the first time. I really clicked with her and went to her for a year+ and felt the happiest I have ever been but she decided to stop seeing me after learning of my issues with self harm and i was transferred to a new therapist.they quit after 2 appointments and now i have this current one who i do not click with at all and do not see myself improving with her. I have been waiting to see her inhouse psychiatrist for months to finally get my medicine changed and ughhh just nothing is progressing or getting better. My mom keeps promising she will switch me but that is been said for 7 months now. i just want to talk to my old therapist again or just quit therapy all together its just not working out for me. id rather rot in bed and be depressed all the time. bit of a rant sorry I am just not sure what to do. missing my past therapist,Depression +13327,"Hello everyone, I have only recently been seeing this change but it was concerning. I sometimes will try and think about my future plans and goals then just start crying, its kind of got me worried. I have been struggling in thinking about people who I care about and who I love. Whenever I even consider that I could have a relationship with this girl I am close with I just start feeling dread and sadness. I can barely sleep anymore and have lost all interest in my hobbies. Its starting to get difficult just getting out of bed in the morning, I have not seen my friends in weeks. I am just sinking deeper and deeper, I am starting to think there is no hope for me. Anyone got any advice?I am just so tired, so damn tired. Its just getting worse",Depression +13328,"Thinking that everything is useless because things will not get better for you, you do not deserve anything because you are not enough, you are not good looking, not talented, not appealing, not worthy and so on...so you stop doing everything and you just wait for the time to pass...sorry for my english The worse feeling of depression is hopelessness... 23f",Depression +13329,"To start off, I am 18(f). I love with my Muslim family, I however, do not consider myself Muslim. I hate Islam, Ill never let a religion control me. But I do not have the means to be on my own. I am constantly lying about where I am, I am constantly lying about who I am with, because I want a shot at life, I do not want to be caged and controlled anymore. I do not want to have to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to be able to see my boyfriend and not have to lie about it, I want to be able to dress however I want without being slut shamed by my parents. I want to be free, I do not want to live like this. Its such bullshit. I hate being trapped, I hate having my every move watched. I hate everything about this. But I do not want to die. I do not, its very situational. I like some aspects of my life. Life was actually getting better. But I will not let my parents have their way anymore. Ill be free. I think I want to overdose",Suicidal +13330,"My GF of 6 years and mother of my child cheated one me(now ex). She is constantly lying into my face and has brought our kid to her lover several times despite agreeing on waiting a year before doing so. For the sake of the child. I have also always been there for her when she went through depression, and she responds to that by cheating and showing me she does not give a shit about me. I have had enough. I see no future, I have debt that only i know about. I have no will to work, live, or exist. I see no brighter tomorrow, or a brighter future.I am going to suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. I have figured out how, and I have got my letter ready. I currently live at my parents because our house is not sold yet, so I am sneaking out when they are asleep and finally putting an end to all of this. I want to stay alive for my daughter but I cannot take it anymore. I have made up my mind. I wish you all the best, and I hope those of you that struggle can get through the pain. None of you deserve to be in pain, not physically or mentally. The End I am doing it tonight. Throwaway so my family will not get alerted.",Suicidal +13331,"So I guess it is not a ""if"" it is a ""when"" situation. I do not know when the time will come, but it probably will. I literally have nothing or anyone or anything to live for and I am tired. I am sure I will still be around for a while. Maybe. I guess I will just wait to see what else life has to throw at me. I am definitely one foot in deaths door. Hopefully I just die in my sleep peacefully, that would be nice. Tired",Suicidal +13332,"I am scared. I just need someone to explain what happens. What do they do? How do parents handle it? How are the antidepressants? Once you are diagnosed, can you really recover? What questions do they ask....if its major, what then? Will I be treated differently? Is it better undiagnosed? I do not like psychologists. I do not want to have sessions. I know I need help and I am probably far into the rut but I do not know what To do. What are the stages or what is the procedure of being diagnosed with depression?",Depression +13333,"I often think about how different my life would be if I happened to be born in a more attractive body. How can the way people treat you be based on something which entirely comes down to luck? I feel so alone in the world, I try and enjoy life but deep inside of me there is a sense of self-loathing that consumes me daily. I fantasise about how it must feel to truly be beautiful, and to truly enjoy existing as yourself. In the end this just damages me more.I just want to be loved, truly loved. Not just used when I am convenient and discarded when I no longer have purpose. I have convinced myself I am some hideous troll-like woman l, disguising myself in a facade of beauty. When I do not wear makeup I feel like an ogre and when I do I feel like a circus clown. I hate feeling this way. In summer this feeling becomes so much harder to ignore. You suddenly become surrounded on social media with size 4 girls in bikinis, and you feel more inadequate than you already do. I have analysed every inch of my body in such close detail that I can pinpoint every flaw. I hate summer because these flaws become harder to disguise, I want to enjoy life in the same way a pretty girl can but I cannot. Because this self- loathing is destroying me. It stops me from wanting to exist, I want this shame to stop. I know in two weeks from now Ill feel optimistic about life but soon after that the spiral of self-loathing will return. It always does, like clockwork. Its hard to be ugly in a society that places so much value on looks.",Suicidal +13334,"Hello.Everything in my life is going to crap. I am studying for an entrance exam for something i had always worked so hard for and its going terrible, my bf of 6 years who was my best friend had to move to another town randomly. I may get fired from my job because My boss wanted me to work full time even though I had stated during the interview that I could only do part time cus I was studying for this exam.I am broke as well and have bills to pay so this sucks. I am typically always a self motivated and determined person but bro I really am fckn tired of everything , I have no motivation for life. I do not even want to do basic human activities anymore . I am mentally tired . I have no will , nothing seems to motivate me anymore . Plus what is the point we will all die anyways . I cannot , I cannot , I am so sad My life is falling apart, I want to crawl into a hole forever",Depression +13335,"I have had a rough week or so. I have been thinking about suicide a lot and even picked a method and started thinking about picking a date. but here is the thing... i do not actually want to die. i just want my pain to go away. I am feeling a little better right now but I am worried that ill slip back into the dark place. I want to tell my therapist and/or mom, but I am nervous because i do not want to get sent to the psych ward. id be okay with the psych ward (in fact, i kind of want to go) but after you get out you have to do PHP (part time hospitalization) and then IOP (intensive outpatient) and I have already done IOP (this winter/spring) and it takes a LOT of time and energy. I am going to college at the end of august. what if i have to stay home for the semester because I am doing PHP/IOP? That would probably make me MORE suicidal especially because my friends would not even be here. But i feel like this is not something i should keep to myself. I am torn. Any advice? should i be honest?",Suicidal +13336,"Hi, I am new here and I need some help. I am suffering from depression and I am taking Efexor 400 mg. I also take quetiapine and Xanax sometimes when I have anxiety or panic attacks or the OCD intensifies. I have changed many antidepressants, but my depression is still strong, not like one year ago, but its still here and its still bothering me everyday: I cannot study anymore (this year I missed the last year of high school, and consequently also the maturity. And I passed the fourth class for the different evaluation because of the start of COVID).I think about suicide almost everyday, but I am staying here for my family and some of my friends.I could never hurt them.Personally I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried so many medicines, and different activities for goin against depression symptoms but it seems like all is useless. Should I change medicines again? Should I give up on this life? Please help Persistent depression from a year and an half",Depression +13337,I am depressed and I do not know how to fix my life I wish there was a instruction book on how fix your life when you feel depressed and unable to move forward,Depression +13338,"I am doing this on a throwaway, since I am a couple weeks out from everything being in order. i do not want to somehow be traced from any PII i may have let slip on my other accounts and the police be called.i got a pistol last year, which in my state(also in the south) requires you to apply for a permit, and that takes a couple weeks (at the time was over a month because covid was driving up sales for some reason) i bought it and held onto it for a couple of months. i went to the range and shot 100 rounds. decided i would rather not go out that way, that gun had way more of a jolt than i thought it would, so I am afraid I would fuck up my aim as i pulled the trigger, and did not want to end up in pain, embarrassed, and retarded. ended up selling it back. i do not think the gun method is for me unless my plan does not work. I will be receiving my next permit in a week or so, and buying another handgun. do not plan to use it. if i fail to od successfully and everyone knows I am on watch, i will not be able to get one anymore. going to stash it as an ""in case of emergency""looking into buying a shitload of opiates on the dark web, taking a few ambien, and then taking enough opiates to kill a horse right when the ambien is about to knock me out. i was hoping to buy fentanyl powder to load into a capsule to take, since that can take you out instantly, but I am having zero luck finding it so far, just some weird shit advertised as ""like fentanyl"", but I am looking for a guarantee.i was also at one point thinking i could tie a noose to a bridge around my area, swallow a bunch of pills, and blow my brains out on the edge - that way even if i survived the gunshot, the pills and noose would finish the job for me. man, my head is a dark place.I have now been thinking about suicide for 15 years, and have been medicated and in therapy for a couple years. they helped tremendously, but even the strongest meds and therapy multiple days a week are not enough to stop it. i have a mental illness that is genetic and lifelong. it is bad enough now, and will only get worse with time. much rather just get it over with.was going to check myself into the hospital, but i realized over the past couple months that it would only be prolonging the inevitable. it does not stop. strong antipsychotics do not even make it stop. nothing will fix it. I will keep putting myself in more trouble, mania issue. damage all of my friendships, destroying my relationship, pushing everyone away, racked up 15k of online gambling debt in the past 2 weeks, etc.a few days ago i wrote a suicide note, and then an apology/goodbye to the only loved ones i give a tenth of a fuck about (5 people)at work i wrote up a list of all the shit i do and how to do it, since my location is a very very small group of people.anyways, I am out, my dudes.just wanted to let that out. thanks for reading I am out",Suicidal +13339,"My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago and in those two days, I have cried like I have never cried before. He was my first love and I really thought we were going to get through this rough patch that we had been going through for the past few months.But we could not. I was too much for him, and so was my depression.My mental illnesses have destroyed everything. My finances, my college pursuits, and now my first love. I feel like there is nothing for me now and that Ill never escape this cycle of heartbreak and pain.I used to tell myself, if anything ever happened to my partner or this relationship, that Id kill myself. And its all I can think about now. I do not want to move on; I just want to die. I have nothing left.",Depression +13340,I have sunken back into a state of I cannot do anything bc my limbs are so hard to move.Every day feels so eternally difficult My limbs feel heavy,Depression +13341,"Is not like is my fault, I did not wanted to be born in the first place, but I had no choice. This outcome was inevitable, I can say that I tried to change it, many times, but it seems like I failed. Maybe if I was not alone, maybe if there would have been someone to understand me, to care about this, to show me the way... Everything would have been different. But now nothing can be changed. I am not sure what shoud I do next. Why I feel like a failure?!",Depression +13342,"I do not know. Living, keep studying, keep messing up, keep faking, stop feeling, sleep, wake up again. I do not know why I am still here. I am just going to hang a bit and eat pills and sleep i do not fucking know why I am still alive",Suicidal +13343,"I have finally cleaned my fuckin room and my Fuckin bathroom,ugh it took me hours all the empty plastic bottles, the dust, the bugs GODDAM, now I will wait till next month to clean it again. But holy fuck I need a pat on the back, because this shit hole stinked for months, now it is shiny. I am so fucking tired I have finally got rid of this hoarding trash. Now I just need a cold shower and fuckin relax. I have FINALLY FUCKING DID IT",Depression +13344,"I have come to the point where I am so pathetic and lonely that I have to come here to find someone to talk to, someone that would understand. My psych does not help, the medication does not help either and I spend most of my days alone. I am a woman turning 20 in a few days and I have nothing. If anyone feels the same way and needs someone to talk to please reach out. I need someone to talk to",Depression +13345,My overwhelming health concerns and this hole I am in is just too much. I literally cannot sleep at night and cannot even watch tv anymore. I just stare at the walls in abject terror wishing for death. I want to be put to sleep,Suicidal +13346,I am in highschool. I have never really had friends for obvious reasons. I am a twig because of my genes. I have scars on my face so people call me racist names and stuff. I am ugly as and my hair is awful. My name is literally Lundon so yeah. And people think that it makes me feel better when they say they have been through what i have. It does not. It just makes me feel more like my life does not matter. Anyway I am looking for a painless way to die. Are there any injections that I can take? and people think they understand,Suicidal +13347,"I have lived with constant invalidation of my feelings and concerns. I have lived with gaslighting and love bombing. I recognize that my parents are narcs and my siblings do not care. I still love them all so much and I cannot hate them. I have struggled with poor mental health all my life but I get shrugged off and all they say is ""you are just imagining things"" or ""you are just about to go on your period"" (more accurately, if you understand Tagalog, ""nag-i-inarte ka lang"")... but I am not. I know I am not. I self-harm, they tell me I am going to Hell. it is much more stable now with my husband and kids but things are getting darker again especially after I got disregarded and invalidated once again. They never take my side because they do not want to admit that I make sense and their logic & reasoning does not... I already wrote a will and letter for my husband and kids should anything happen to me. I want my kids as far away from my family as possible... I do not want them to grow up in that environment. People keep telling us to ""move out"" but pandemic hit us so hard. His parent's house is too small for all six of us. We plan on buying a house next year but I do not think I will be able to wait that long. I cannot handle this anymore. do not tell me to ""move out"" because it is not going to work",Suicidal +13348,"I have had depression for a few years. Everything started when I entered high school and started getting bullied by my classmates. I had high expectations when I entered high school since I was well-liked by my middle school classmates and teachers. I can even say that I was one of the kids with the highest grades there. But everything fell through when I entered high school... My classmates either did not like me or just did not talk to me. I ended up getting isolated. The teachers there were mean... most of them. There were some that saw that I was struggling so they took care of me in some way... but it was not enough. I started hating my life, hating myself, and my grades started dropping until I ended up getting the lowest grades in my class. My parents were disappointed in me... I ended up losing my friends since I would stay most days in the house and the ones that stayed are not truly good friends.The thing is last year I had to take an important exam so I could enter my preferred university, but I did not make it in. I was so depressed that I could not study the material needed so I could get in, even though at some point in my life I loved to study these subjects. Depression made me unmotivated to study. Before I entered high school I also loved drawing, but now I do not. All I want is to stay and do nothing forever. After I failed my entrance exam I convinced my parents to stay a year home and study for the exam next year. Well... I stayed a year and did mostly nothing. The last few months I started to study a few hours each day but it was not enough. Now I have the exam in a few days and still have a few chapters to study but I know I will not be able to finish them all and my depression is keeping me from studying.Now I am crying daily while I stay and do mostly nothing because I am so depressed and I hate my life. I do not know if I can enter the university of my dreams. I am so depressed especially since I remember the 'me' from middle school and back then I was so motivated and found everything interesting but now I am a crying mess because I cannot even open a book and even if I study I cannot concentrate.Guys, what can I do? If I will not enter I will be a failure, just a disappointment for my parents that gave their all to raise me and provide me an education. I want so bad to open that book but I cannot. I cry myself to sleep and all but I have no motivation. What can I do? I have an important exam in a few days but no motivation to study",Depression +13349,I am under so much pressure to pass. If I do not pass my exam tomorrow I risk losing my scholarship and I will have to drop out. It is almost impossible for me to find a good job in my country without a degree so I will just end up homeless and die within a year anyways. I do not want that but all of this pressure is driving me crazy! I have not taken a break in three years. I am drained and I have been contemplating suicide a lot lately. It just feels like there is no place for me on earth anymore. University is making me want to kill myself,Suicidal +13350,"Turned 24(m)today and not a single happy birthday.Truth be told do not really care for it celebrating the day I was born. Rather celebrate the death. I remember my tattoo I got when I was 16. The meaning behind it for me was to symbolising suicide or ppl who taken their own life. Never really understood why I wanted it back then I was a happy kid, But as I got older I realised. Id already marked myself. Been down the counselling route few times but its all the same.Only thing stopping me from taking pills (that I have got quite a stock) is that fact possibility it will fail and I will have to deal with the consequences of still being here, with maybe damaged organs. what is the actual point ?",Suicidal +13351,"my life sucks, my only friend died yesterday, 1 week ago my ded killed himself after my mom died form corona, idk what to do anymore, I am seriously thinking about killing my self help.",Suicidal +13352,"i cannot take this anymore. its fucking pathetic. I am not wanted here and I am getting out one way or another. I am done. if i have not moved out by this time next year, I am killing myself.",Suicidal +13353,"My big bro is a role model to me, he is got a house, a girlfriend, a job and he is well paid, he is got a strong personality and each member of our family admires him. he is also very attached to my two sisters (one older one younger) he talks to them a lot. But for me, its another story, I am the weirdest of the sisters (weird in a bad way) and I just feel like he hates me, our conversations are so blank, our message text can be resumed as ""do not forget your meds"" ""yes"" ""I will come over at xxpm"" ""okay!"" Everytime he talks about our sisters its always about the happy things that happened to them, when its about me, its often about the weird shit I did as a kid. Once he said ""you were a piece of shit when you were a kid"". We are currently at our grandma's house for holidays, he came over to say hi and when he left, he said goodbye to my little sister and ignored me, turned his back and went to his car.I just do not know what to do. Is it depression that make me think that way? Maybe its my actions as a child that reflect today, I am really confused and completely lost. I think my big brother hates me",Depression +13354,"I am looking for someone to talk to who can just agree with me and be sad/frustrated/disappointed/annoyed with me that when we die, we go in the ground, forget everything, and that is it, and it sucks. There is no point to living -- no point to anything -- because even if I hurt my loved ones by killing myself, they will eventually die too and forget that pain. There is no ""greater purpose"" like increasing the good of the world or the universe. So it honestly confuses me why so many people choose to live this utterly meaningless life. I have attempted suicide several times and I am not at risk of suicide right now, so please do not reach out or comment with empty ""life is worth living"" information. I am actually in therapy actively trying to find a reason or a desire to live, but have not been successful. I feel alone in my frustration that I am stuck in this pointless life and I do not see a good reason why I would not just end it. If you also think there is no point to life, and everyone dies and it is all worthless, please reach out. I would love to just not feel alone in feeling this way. Mourn life's pointlessness with me? Help me feel less alone?",Suicidal +13355,"someone help me, my dad died yesterday, my mom died today, my life sucks, I am thinking about killing my self, pls help help.",Suicidal +13356,Every time I try to myself I get close and then I just cannot go through it. I would pay anyone to do it for me I cannot get myself to pull the trigger,Suicidal +13357,"I wish i had friends. that is basically it. My high school life is incredibly boring, I have not had a healthy and proper friendship for a while now. I used to have a friend group but they kind of just left me behind I think, they still hangout together, nowadays when they see me in the hall we just say hi. the only time people actually talk to me is in class when they are asking about work, and even that rarely happens. in the normal school day, i only talk to one or two people, and those conversations do not even go past a minute. when i go home, i see people meet up with each other and plan out after school or weekends, and i kind of just wish i had that. I have been feeling like this since i started high school, but nothing has really changed. I feel like I am missing out on so much of my life because I have not been making good memories. Even outside of school i have trouble. I am going to this camping trip that my family and a bunch of other friends and family go to every year and i have been too scared or embarrassed to talk with the people my age. I kind of tried once, but it was difficult because i had nothing to really talk about, but everyone else there had no trouble getting along because they i think they hang out very frequently. everything i do nowadays is less interesting and i feel like I am being a disappointment to my parents because all i really do is school work. I do not go outside anymore to hangout with people, and I have lost motivation to go back to my sports and activities because to be honest, I cannot be bothered to deal with the bullshit and the awful and awkward feeling of trying to start conversations. Everything to me is boring now, even the video games i used to enjoy. I feel less motivated to do my school work (when school was in session) but i still do good in class because i have this feeling where if i get less than an A I am a disappointment because i basically do not do anything else beside school. every year my summer break is boring, except for the vacations. I spend everyday just essentially doing nothing. I am on the computer half of the time and i get bored. I watch tv and I am bored. I go outside and go on walks and to the mall and I am bored, and that usually makes me feel worse because i see everyone else hanging out. I do not think anyone has gotten the sense that i feel this way because i usually just act happy in school and around my parents. I still tell them that i hang out with people in school but not outside but tbh that is not really true. I wish Id stay and actually learn a sport or something like basketball once most people who play sports are pretty sociable and have friends. I dunno. I have not told anyone this because they might think I am complaining. I have a very good life and I am thankful that my parents are there to provide for me, but something just feels lacking, not on their part but on mine. I pretty much have nothing to do nowadays and i wish i did. Sorry if this seems cluttered, I am just venting this out finally. I do not know how to explain it, but i feel empty and useless most of the time. Why cannot i make friends",Depression +13358,"I am 15 and I am suicidal.I was born in 2005 when my family was having fights. I grew up in my hometown till I am 5 and never probably remember seeing my father. I moved to a city from my village when I am 6 and then things just got complicated.I was the only kid and never had anyone to play with but then my sister was born. I thought I am lucky to have someone to play with after all. I suddenly lost all the attention from my only parent. I felt lonely and I preferred my school more than my home. I was doing good in my school but things changed when I hit puberty, my understanding of this world changed. It was chaotic to be lonely all the time and that is when I had my first thoughts of suicide. I was getting bad grades, my family has constant fights over everything in the past and I decided that this was the end. I was forced to join a boys scout, it was really hard to for someone to be already in a controlled environment 24/7 and joining this made it worse, I was criticised for everything I could not manage, my school and this and pressure on me was at peaks. I had little to no friends nor any family member that I would rely on, so I had confidence that my family would not even flinch a bit if I disappeared. Guess what, I attempted 3 suicide attempts in a row and the third time I attempted, my body could not handle it and I was a literal moving dead body for months and even while I was recovering I wished I would die and planned things I cannot even imagine. For the worst part, out of nowhere a girl from my class proposed me, I was in shock but eventually I fell in love and lived happily for a year. My perspective on life changed and I was grateful for her. But I was devastated on that day that she said that she would not want me anymore and she would be concentrated on her studies.I was mad AF. I threw up fights on her randomly, she was my life, my only fkin hope to ever live in this world and she was gone, just like that. She got over with me in weeks while I still fkin hope she would come back after 2 years.I had extreme levels of depression and still do now, I could not talk or express my emotions. I was trapped in my self. I lost all the interest to live. I was addicted to suicidal ideation. I used to play the songs over and over till that made me cry. I was desperate for the love I experienced once but then all of it did not last much. that is what anyone would say, but to me it was my world. I had a hope to live but it could not even last till I could even experience it. I am destroyed, my hopes are all lost. I do not want to live anymore. I am still alive for no absolute reason, just satisfying people while I am alive and waiting for that day to have that courage to attempt it because my life is worthless and I am nothing but a loser. I want to die, you would say my suffering would not last long but happiness is not forever either. My wasted life of 15 freaking years.",Suicidal +13359,"A pain all consuming, all knowing. A pain that controls my every thought and every feeling. This pain has been with me always, I have never felt life without it or at least cannot remember any time without it. It could be depression, it could be anxiety, it could be bipolar or PTSD. Whatever name it takes, it is still pain. Horrible torturing pain. I am in so much pain",Depression +13360,Today I feel completely useless so I am going to work all day tell I break. was told I was useless and do not do anything so maybe I should just ignore everything I feel and just become the silent drone everyone wants me to be whenever Self destruction,Depression +13361,"I am ugly, I am a failure, I am lonely, and I am never going to amount to anything in life. I do not have any passions anymore and no matter what I do I end up with the same thought process, which makes it blatantly obvious I was never meant to born, thus meaning I am a mistake that needs to be corrected. I am going to find a way to get a gun, drive out to the middle of bumfuck nowhere and blow my brains out. I have put up with all of life's bullshit for 20 years too long, it is time I put an end to this twisted game once and for all. But for those of you who will say I am not a mistake and/or that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary prpblem? you are fucking wrong, I am a mistake and these thoughts will continue to plague me for as long as I live, thus is a permanent problem I will have that requires such a drastic solution, plus it will save me from any other bullshit life would have had in store for me anyways.Goodbye. I want to end it all",Suicidal +13362,I am taking Venlafaxine. it is an SSRI. does not cure my depression but it certainly takes the edge off. Are you on medication? Are you on medication?,Depression +13363,"Hello again. I... I feel like I am dead inside. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am an absolute failure. 22 years. Recently lost my job, every member of my family hate each other, I have no life partner, nobody to hang out and do silly stuff. I am just laying in my bed rn, trying not to get suicidal again...I am afraid of getting out of my house due to PTSD. I have nothing to watch on TV, I do not want to eat anything. I am still alive because I do not know what the hell is on the other side and I do not want to go to the hospital like two years ago. Lost weight, but I have no one to show (I know, I did it for myself. But it is nice to get a compliment sometimes). Have co-op games but nobody comes to my house and play with me and online communities are toxic af. I do not even know why I am typing this. I guess I just need to vent again. I went for a walk this morning. I was thinking about my whole life. Literally, I have been alone my whole life. No friends, no cousins to mess around. Shit, even my 10th birthday was an absolute crap where nobody came, so I stopped celebrating it. I get no calls. I like being called, it feels like someone cares about me, but the only one calling me is the bank ""Fuck off, I do not want a credit card"" I think, but deep inside I do not want to hang up because it is the only human interaction I get. At this moment, I just started crying. I feel miserable. Like my life is going to be this way for the rest of it. Nobody likes me, nobody cares about me and it hurts. It stings. It burns. Fuck. This is not life. Surviving is not living.",Depression +13364,"So if you are depressed, like I am, and are wondering about why you are here and what value you add to anything, I can assure you, doing something is not the answer. I bought about 150$ worth of art crap, paint, paper, brushes, canvas, all that shit and I sit here thinking its all crap. It looks childish and ridiculous. It clearly shows I have no idea what I am doing, or even why. When I see the work of others, they are serious and successful, and 30 years younger. There is no point to start something new at 52. My advice: just stop trying. I gave up. There is no reason for my existence. Try something new is bullshit",Depression +13365,"So if these are the best years of my life, and I am miserable, and this is the only life we have, but I am having a miserable time, the suicide is justified, yes? Logic?",Depression +13366,"I am kind of broke but i do not really want to hang myself is there any other way that is like kind of painless hang myself, try to buy a gun, or something else?",Suicidal +13367,"I do not want this mental state.I do not want to live in this shithole, where is +40 during summer and -42 during winter. I do not like syberia.I do not want Putin. I do not want dollar costing 75 roubles. I do not want to be poor. I do not want to use vpn when I want to jerk.I do not want to always be in a sweat. I do not want wet clothes. I do not want to be fat.I do not want screaming mom. I wish she did not beat me when I was little. I wish i was not bullied in school.I do not want panic attacks. I do not want to think about killing myself. I do not want to think about killing others. I do not want these scars.I want to have strength. I want have will to live. I wish i could atleast speak English.I want to have other things besides sleep, games and food.I do not want cheap antidepressants and neuroleptics.I want friends. I had a little from school and university (which I could not finish), but they could achieve escaping this cursed frozen syberian land.I want a girlfriend. I want to have sex.I do not want to be in nuthouse anymore.I do not want this.If god exist, i hate him. I want to escape",Suicidal +13368,"I just want to watch kids tv shows today, cuddle with warm blankets, and suck my thumb. I am already doing that, actually. Does this happen to anyone else? I feel really shameful, lost, and alone right now about how I am dealing with this. Reverting to childlike coping mechanisms when sad and anxious",Depression +13369,"all my life i had to keep going, endure, fight, always go on even if i could not anymore. no matter how much i suffered, or was exhausted and in pain i never got to say its too much. my parents forced me through it. the abuse at home, the racism, chronic illness. every day i was in agony. could not go on but i was not allowed to say no more. and now i do not have to keep fighting against all the violence. i do not have to take every beating anymore and get up again. i do not want to fight anymore. i do not want to suffer and work work work just to stay alive. i have lost every thing to abuse. and i do not care anymore. my parents killed me. I do not have to keep going anymore",Suicidal +13370,Something I came to terms with has now starting hurting again ....help... Thought coming to terms with something it was supposed to not come back...,Depression +13371,"I think I might be depressed, and I want to get diagnosed but it scares the shit out of me. I feel like if I just keep going at some point it will go away, because I am not entitled to be like this, I had a good career and friends. But I am ashamed of myself and I am ashamed to tell my boyfriend how I feel. When he is around I gather all the strength I have to be normal: propose stuff to do, go out, eat healthy, laugh with him. When he leaves I am exhausted and I just close myself up and do not want to see anybody. I cannot look at myself in the mirror because I do not like myself physically. Tried to take some steps to change it, but lost hopes. I used to like my job until covid arrived and it went downhill from there, to the point that now I cannot get myself to open the computer. I convinced myself I do not like it and I burnt out for this reason. So i interviewed for another job. I had a panic attack in the middle of two interviews, I believed that I screwed it, but they took me. I quit my previous job and felt relieved for a bit I am not working until September, when I will start my new job. But in the meanwhile I feel bad like before. When I am alone I eat just to survive, not for pleasure. I feel like everything is meaningless. I try to keep basic contact with my friends, but I feel tired. Then, when my boyfriend comes back, I take a long breath, take my mask back and pretend like I am fine. I do not want to burden him, and I do not want him to leave . I do not know why I feel like this, I just want it to stop. Sorry for the venting, I really hope everyone on this thread can get better, you all deserve it I do not understand myself",Depression +13372,"my mom is making me feel guilty for my lack of eating. i do not really think i have an eating disorder but i have struggled with body image before. if I am being honest the reason I am not eating is because I am so unmotivated and tired all the time i do not have the energy to get out of bed and make myself food, but i cannot tell her that because she dosent understand that depression does that to a person. she keeps telling me that i should eat because my family is getting concerned, and she is guilting me by saying they keep approaching her and asking her if i have an ED. shits sucks here. i hate it here",Suicidal +13373,"I cannot afford a therapist. I have social anxiety, depression and ADHD and I am always haunted by trauma induced negative thoughts since middle school, I tried everything...self help , talking to others (never do it, they do not give a fuck you and you will find yourself abandoned). What is there to live for ? never got anyone in my life, always lost and all we ever do here is cyclejerk each other into surviving further in misery only to have this FUCKING cycle repeating itself. there is NO WAY OUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY BECAUSE I TRIED AND I FEEL SICK OF THIS SHIT ! it is just too much , too many financial problems to cover as a student , and my mental health is in shambles ,cannot afford therapist or shit , suicidal thoughts all the time",Suicidal +13374,"What has effectively drained the life out of my soul the quickest, is the fact that ""everything"" revolves around money. Nobody is motivated by anything else. If you are really sick and do not have insurance, you are pretty much signing yourself up for a life of extreme debt...if...you choose to go to the hospital. Even with insurance, the same thing can happen, but on a smaller scale. My dad had a heart attack and had decent insurance, but he still owed $60,000 after he got out of the hospital and then he had to work three jobs to stay out of bankruptcy. He worked like a dog until he was 80 and lost his sight. For decades, he had a much weaker heart, but was having to work three times harder to keep his head above water financially. Also...therapy is exceedingly expensive. My oldest sister has spent roughly $20,000 on therapy over the years and...honestly...she is not any better and in some ways she is much worse. Even if the therapy was somewhat beneficial, the weight of the debt you owe counteracts any good that might have come from the process. I went to a place called..5 palms..in Florida. I admitted myself and was there for an intensive emotional rehab course that was supposed to last a month. Well...the insurance stated that they were only going to cover 2weeks. So...I left after 2 weeks and thought that was the end of it. However, they lied to me when they said that all I needed to pay was $3,000 up front and the insurance would cover the rest. After I got back and started feeling better, they sent me a very unexpected additional fee of over $6,000. Immediately, I went into a panic and all the initial benefit and healing that I received from 5 palms completely vanished. Actually...because of that huge additional bill, I was worse off emotionally than when I went in. I was so stressed out because now I owed over $6,000 and I had previously given them $3,000 in the beginning...that was a surprise and was not shared with me until I was already back home. I felt used and abused. I felt preyed on, as a person that desperately needed mental health support. They took advantage of me. They truly did not care about me. They only wanted to push me through the system like a cattle drive and reap the revenue from screwing me over... yet another helpless person. If you do not have money, you cannot eat. You cannot have a decent roof over your head and unfortunately, if you want to have a real chance of being loved, you absolutely have to have your finances in order or nobody will want anything to do with you. In order to be respected, you need money. If you want health (emotional or physical), you need money. If you want good nutrition, you need money. The list is endless. Even if you ask someone to help you move, they want payment of some kind (money, beer, pizza...etc). They never want to help you out of the goodness of their heart. If you do not have a way to compensate them, they just come up with excuse after excuse as to why they are not available. Unfortunately, you grow up in a world that teaches you that YOU ""personally"" are worthless as a human being unless you have money. that is the subliminal brain washing tactic.that eats away at your soul and before long, you are extremely depressed and feel so low about yourself. You become worthless, unwanted and very lonely... all because you do not worship ""money""...the masses are fooled by this mindset and it really only benefits the top 1% of americans anyway (we are all mindless cattle under the finger of the mega rich). If you DO succumb to the deceitful thought process, that money is a God of sorts, then you might be able to do more things and seemingly have more fun, but deep down you are slaving away for cash, as your only means of self worth, and you just feel like a machine. Money only gives you false security and fake friends...and you know that deep inside. You work extra hard for more ways to entertain yourself and keep your mind occupied. So...whether you have money or not, it is a double edged sword. If you do not have it, you are lost...and...if you do have it (and your not in the 1% club), you are lost...but yet everyone is clambering to get their hands on more and more of it. Millions of people die in wars, murder, hunger and even endure human trafficing because ""someone"" wants money and will do absolutely anything to get it. The mind is a very peculiar thing. It will devise ways to covertly try and avoid the catastrophic things that are right in your face and dim the brilliance of the red flags flying all around you for mere survival sake. You begin to play mind games with yourself just to barely function. I feel like Neo, in the original Matrix movie. I took the red pill and the vale has been lifted on society for what it really is. I absolutely despise money. I hate it so much. I would burn all of it, if it was within my power. There needs to be a better way. Society has been brainwashed for centuries and this is just how life is now. Money rules everything. People will totally sell their soul for it because it has become the ONLY focal point on the horizon. They will spend all their time working at the office and let their children raise themselves or allow them to be raised by other means...(TV, internet, movies...etc). Society is so screwed up and we all know it. We cannot look it straight in the face and fully admit how bad it is. it is very similar to ""death denial"". Everyone knows they are going to die someday, but cannot truly admit that. Coming face to face with the fact that you are going to die...without a doubt...is mentally traumatizing. The same goes with the way society is NOW. We all know that it is extremely screwed up and beyond recovery. However, we cannot fully admit that because it would be too mentally traumatizing. Thanks for reading this. I appreciate the time and energy you spent and again...thank you. $$ .. MONEY .. $$",Depression +13375,"So my older brother is 26 and he shames me for not having a license and just now getting my first job at 19. I feel like he fails to realize that he had it easier at my age since our parents were still together when he was 19 so he had access to a car since he was 16. Our parents started splitting up when I was 16 and at the time I was doing high school and college at the same time since I was in dual enrollment so I already had my hands full with double the work and dealing with a toxic environment, my brain just could not handle anything else. Then after I graduated, I went away for school for a year and man was it hard during this pandemic. I recently got back about 2 months ago and turned 19 and decided I would take a gap year to find a job and transfer to a school closer because my goal is to get my license and commute to save $$$. But how do I just ignore his words??? It hurts especially bc hes my sibling and it feels like everyone turned their back on me and I feel dumb for not knowing everything and for not having it all figured out at my age. Its really discouraging. Being shamed and looked down onto by family member",Depression +13376,"I have no official diagnoses, but I feel very depressed and have a lot of social anxiety. it is extremely hard for me to actually do anything but wait for the day to end so I can go to bed, but then when the night comes I do not want to sleep since then I will just wake up again...Some days are better, but most days are like this. I am soon 24 years old and it is been like this for maybe 5 years, with suicidal thoughts flooding my head pretty regularly.I want to try antidepressants, but my current doctor does not really want to acknowledge that I feel bad for some reason, even if I told them I have suicidal thoughts. I am seeing a private therapist, but he cannot prescribe anything. What would I need to do if I want to try antidepressants? Getting a prescription for antidepressants?",Depression +13377,"I do not do anything interesting or am able to mantain a conversation for more than 1 minute because I am fuckin depressed. And I are not going to talk about it with people because I would be disturbing them, so I rot in my own bed crying. I feel like I am disturbing people with my lack of emotions",Depression +13378,"Why should I have to take my life away when I am not the problem? If another person is causing the anger in my head that I have to cry for hours on the bathroom floor for, then why should not they pay? it is not fair. I fuvking hate that person, with every ounce of being. I do not have suicidal thoughts, but..",Suicidal +13379,I cannot really find any materials on this anywhere. Does anyone know if its acceptable to kill yourself over a divorce? Does having kids effect this? Thank you! Is suicide over a divorce acceptable?,Suicidal +13380,"I do not know what to say, but I have many regrets and I am not contented on what I have today.I graduated college, and I thought I will be okay after that. But until now, I did not get a job, and I am struggling to build myself as a freelancer. I have so many regrets on my teenage years because I did not have experience some fun. So, I keep on comparing myself to other people on their success, good social life, career growth, and relationship; and I am not grateful because I always experience struggles.As I grow older, I always telling myself if I am still worthy, because I do not have anything to prove myself to people. I feel weird because most of the people who I interacted did not like me. I do not have much stories to tell, I do not have such experience in life. I love being an introvert, but I like to interact with people, I just do not know how to handle it.I do not want to live anymore. I am worthless. I have many regrets in life, and I feel late. I feel worthless, I deserve to kill myself.",Suicidal +13381,"I am 16, 295 pounds and a dropout. I have decided that if I am to weak to self improve and gain discipline over my eating, that I will probably just end it, I am not religious so I figured that it would just end and I will not go to hell or anything, the only thing that sucks is the consciousness of it, knowing that the only two people that I care about (my mom and sister), will miss me deeply. I know these problems are nothing compared to other peoples problems on this server and they would only wish that they were in a position where they just had to eat less and make better choices, and that is why I will try my hardest to improve my self and make life worth living. Of course self improvement is a long and hard road, and I am glad the only obstacles I face is due to my stupid decisions and not because of other factors. Ill give it 10 years or so and if things get worse, then I see know point in continuing to suffer :) Probably will kill myself if I lack the will power to improve",Suicidal +13382,"He does not want to tell his family, me and my girlfriend are the only two people to know this. All ways to help we could muster were to just keep in touch with him and try to cheer him up. But I feel like that is not enough, like more can be done to help him. He tried to take his life in the past, but his (school) therapist did not prescribe him any meds, which makes me worried even more since he is liable to try again. So I ask again: how do I help him? My friend is struggling with depression. How do I help him?",Depression +13383,"Every time I go out side or even on social media or to work I end up hating everyone and everything I cannot even scroll through Facebook without being insulted about my height Just makes me think fuck everyone and everything, just going to take care of myself and not give a fuck who it affects , its not like being super considerate has got me anywhere , In fact it often causes me distress when I see things about animals or people because I care , but nobody does the same for me , nobody sees my pain or cares for me Nobody hugs me or asks me if I am alright Just venting I guess I do not know I have come to hate everything",Depression +13384,"I am 20 years old with very few friends, no girlfriend, and two part time jobs. I am currently on trazodone and zoloft. I quit taking my meds and felt fine after three weeks, but yesterday I have developed my panic attacks and I have no appetite.I want to kill myself, I have several plans, and I need to start writing my notes. I know what is going to who and when. I suffer from body dysmorphia, and I hate how I look on the inside and out. I give up. 20 years old and I am ready.",Suicidal +13385,"I (17M) have come to the realisation that My dad is a prick. Ever since i was little he never really cared about me, he saw me as more of an extension of himself. it is always been about getting a good carreer and getting an education. My granddad is the same. Until age 12 I thought that taking an extra education after school was a law. I legit thought that I had to get into a Gymnasium or something like wise, by law.When I was about 6 years old, I could not sleep one night. So as a normal kid, I went into My parents room and said: ""I cannot sleep"" My mom was ready to tuck me in, but My dad said: ""You say that all the time, and you always fall asleep anyway."" To this day that memory is still crystal clear in my mind. My granddad calls me fat everytime we visit him, and always ask if I know what gymnasium I am going to next year, or what job I want in the future.Time and time again my dad's side of the family has showed to me that they cannot be trusted and are not worthy of my time. However there are a couple people from the family that I quite enjoy sending time with.My question is: ""How do you cut ties with a parent and their side of the family, when you still live under their roof and they own you financielly and yet keeping in touch with a select few People?Tl;dr: My dad and most of his side of the family are pricks, how is a good way to cut ties with them while being underage? Cutting ties",Depression +13386,"So I know I did not have a healthy upbringing, and I know my mental state and the way I handle things in my life are not ideal or even healthy. But it worked.I was productive, I achieved some goals, and I feel I have made genuine progress in my life. However, this was all accomplished using anger as the primary driving force. Wanted something I did not have? Get angry and I would do somethingDidnt like the situation I was in? Get angry to figure it outHated not being productive for days on end? Get angry enough to get up and get goingNow I have a problem; the anger is not there anymore in the way it used to be. Its no longer the hot, roaring anger I could point at a goal and accomplish it. Its turned into a cold emotion, something that I cannot utilize. I do not even know if how I am describing it is making sense, but what I do know is now I find it literally impossible to achieve anything. I feel like the steam that was used to power the engine is no longer there. And now I am just confused as to what I should do, because its been almost two years of just ice cold rage that does nothing but exacerbate my issues.Does anybody have any experience with something like this?I need to get a therapist but I am waiting for in person to become more accessible in my area because virtual is too impersonal for me to be able to get anything out of it. Out of steam",Depression +13387,"only 18. will not it be so ""sad"". no one will cry. you can scream for help but if they do not want to listen. They will not.",Suicidal +13388,I have tried other solutions and they have worked temporarily but food made me 115 lbs over average making me feel more pathetic and nothing else really did it and I do not know what else to do other than trying self harm even though I know everyone would be pissed Truly thinking of trying self harm,Depression +13389,"I explained in my previous posts,please someone help me I am going to die Someone please help me i cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +13390,sorry for bad english it the first time i write in english since the high school. . Since the covid I lost my job as a waiter in a small restaurant because of the closure of this restaurant. I tried to find another job in the industry but a lot of restaurants close. So it is harder to find a job . I sent a lot of CV but I could not find a job. I have already been told by a boss that he just hires women for a family breakfast restaurant . With all the failures I decided to go back to school. School was difficult for me when I was younger I had a diagnosis of autism. They put me in an autism class where I learned nothing. Even I was of the same level as normal people .So i just go away from the school system. Now i want to go back in school because I want to work in the IT field. So I started to take steps for my return to study. I was interested in a program that a friend of mine told me about that gave money to go back to school. I was very excited I said to myself Wow he will give me money to go back to study. So I have to apply but the problem is that the program was no longer available. I was sad but later he had another program like that that trained people for computers. So I applied I made every meeting everything was fine. But finally the person in charge of the program explained to me that I was not aiming for the program because I was a white man.The program was just for women and minorities. So I did not let go and I tried to look for something else but I could not find anything. I feel like I am worth nothing in the society. So now i do not know what to do anymore. I just want to kill myself but I am scared of painful death. Anyway i got nothing. I am sure if i kill myself nobody will care. I want to disappears maybe just going in the wood and just walk until i die to starve where nobody will find me. sorry for bad english it the first time i write in english since the high shcool. I no longer see the light and I am tired,Suicidal +13391,I am done. I am deciding to end my life tonight. I do not want to live anymore. I cannot do this. I am on so many meds and seen therapists and nothing works anymore. I do not want to overdose but I want to make it simple. I think that is the only way to go. Goodbye. I am done.,Suicidal +13392,Why struggle when you could end it early?I am not advocating suicide this is a question to myself. Is life even worth it anyways?,Suicidal +13393,"Hi. I am turning 18 soon, and to day I had an appointment to schedule my classes. Nothing special, just community college. Anyway, my mom tried to talk to the guidance counselor, and he asks my mom ""is she a mute or does she speak?"". I have been suffering from social anxiety for years. It hurt so much. I wound up missing most of my sophomore and junior years of high school, because I would have panic attacks during classes. I was afraid to go. I was given a 504, an IEP, put on homeschooling, and put in psych wards, but nothing made it any better. I have been in therapy since 7th grade, but my lately mom just keeps cancelling my appointments because it is convenient for her. I never thought I would make it this far in life. And I truly wish I would ended it when i was much younger. My mom is just adding fuel to the fire, she keeps telling me to ""grow up"" and to ""get my shit together"". She was angry at me because i had to be put in a remedial math class because i failed math due to my absences. She does not want to pay for a class that will not get me any credits. I do not think i can handle college. I am so hopeless.TLDR: Wishing I would ended it in middle school like I thought I would because I am too mentally ill to handle college I should have ended it when I had the chance",Suicidal +13394,Have you guys seen the news recently. does not look like the futures going to be good. Time to call it quits? Everyday the world is looking worse. what is the point anymore,Depression +13395,"Yea, I know I am stating the obvious I have a meeting in 20 minutes and do not even feel like going, much less doing jack shit. Better to just lose my job and everything else I have than bother, because what thd fuck even is the point. Go to work to get shit pay, then stress myself out and stay lonely There literally is no point because no one even cares about my existence, my PHQ9 depression score is a 27 and my therapist insisted I go back to meditating in hopes of reviving myself, everything will get better is the only cope I here and its a total lieHell with it all Life sucks",Depression +13396,"I tried calling many offices but they are all experiencing heavy patient intake, or whatever the fuck they call it. I am not able to get appointments until four months after the initial call. It has to be because of covid right? Or are there really that many actually depressed people out there? COVID has all therapists busy",Depression +13397,"To start, I am here because of relationship anxiety. I had posted recently about having immense anxiety about a girl I barely knew. Awesome girl. Very grounded, very sweet. But for some odd reason, chemistry somewhere down the way I had become infatuated rather quick. And then a certain unease crept in that felt like I was screwing up somewhere. within moments I automatically jumped to very negative affirmations that swirled in my head, day and night for the past two weeks. The ones that stick out: ""you are going to fuck this up, you are not normal, she will find out your issues and dip from yo crazy ass!!""Somewhere down the way, I deeply pondered at the last part. Life looking back was rather well....Childhood!!I had parents who had issues in their relationship on their own, let own their own individual demons. I acknowledge that they always did their best to make sure we were fed and had a roof over our heads. But a lot of things I felt I had to teach myself on my own. In the beginning life was okay, but after awhile it got tough for my parents way back. and certain choices were made then that led to exodus from Hawaii to the mainland. Things were the best we could make but they were not ideal. At some point in time, we slept in a car as a family.We never stayed in one place for longer than a year. always constantly moving since I was a kid, it practically never ended until I had gotten a place of my own. It did not with my parents anger issues, mother's narcissism, and my father's drinking and abuse. Still through it all, they stuck it out for us, but I wonder sometimes if that was a good idea...When both of my younger siblings were diagnosed with autism, both of my parents had gotten distant from me it felt. I completely understand, and a lot of it I give myself shit for it. But also my younger siblings have been sheltered too much as well. It was hard then as a kid to tell them that there was a difference between compromising and spoiling. We gave them no structure or guidance. After awhile, I was left with most of responsibilities of watching and raising my younger siblings, which are the memories I enjoy most in my life. Looking back now it was not all bad.The level of abuse between my parents ruined a lot of opportunities for us. Always hurting themselves, us, our possessions, fighting, relocating, separating, getting back together again, rinse and repeat. Lived through toxic before I knew what that meant. Ran away for the first time when I was 11 and went across the county almost. It became clockwork. because of the constant moving, I could never maintain friendships. And on top of that I was scared to bring friends around. To some degree it got to a point where we filed a false domestic violence report on my father (He actually was getting his shit together at the time) to get into a farm program and avoid sleeping on the street. Also a good time, learned Martial arts, did gardening. Another good time.Parents had gotten back together at some point in time before High School. Life was good for a bit, stable. Then the issues arose. I was having issues with my parents then and went out and hung out with the wrong crowd, was partying and drinking all the time, even skipping school. I graduated but barely. My graduation on the other hand, was finding out my mother was gambling addict and also was in part to ruining a lot of our prospects in life.I do not want to hold onto any of this against my parents. Now, they are still trying their best to survive, and they have changed over the years. But lately this surfaced too, and I have not felt well when I talked to my mother about this. She did not know what to say, and I began to be frustrated about it, but I realize now that she was not prepared to handle the issues I was going through, and she was trying her best. Its still upsetting when she does not remember anything she has done wrong. But I need to move on, I love my mother and I only have one. No matter how batshit crazy she is.I love my dad, we are okay, we hang out, have lunch every once in awhile, and he is conscious of his actions. But he still has a lot of work to do. But I am proud of how far he is come. I love you Dad.Adulthood!!! (the super condensed version)Right after graduation was a shitshow. Lost the place, me and pops split. ended up in a shelter for a year and a half. Dad came here from a different country under extreme circumstances I do not want to get into, but frankly, he was prepared for life as much as I was. Went to community college while homeless. Got an apartment with other guys my age from the shelter. Then realized alcoholism was genetic. Fucked off my responsibilities. Split. Went upstate to stay with my mother. At the time I realized she was up to same tricks, which led to a lot of fights between us and eventually she stole from me and kicked me out. stayed with a girl next door, first relationship, then left me for the father of her baby (I was still fucking off my responsibilities then) and subsequently back on the street.moved around from place to place. Met another girl, fell in love, but she had major depressive disorder and schizo. after a year, the relationship took a turn for the worst. She began to be emotionally abusive and always kicked me out. I did my best, but at the end of the day, we have come to terms that she never actually loved me. She went into another relationship a couple weeks later. But I fell hard.Interesting part: COVIDI moved back the other side of the state to stay with my dad. The place he had for me was a clean and sober house ran by a slumlord. Then COVID hit the states. I was quarantined in a horrible place, post breakup, living with my dad who was emotionally abusive. I could not handle it. I got my shit together got a job at the hospital and got my own apartment!!!NOW....Been doing everything I needed to. Kept up with bills, work out every day, eating healthy, drinking less. Then I met this girl. Same birthday, independent, very grounded. And now everything came back. Now my anxiety is becoming debilitating in certain areas. I am becoming more irritable, although a lot of that is from the shortcomings of the healthcare industry. But if this is going to become a thing I need in dealing with this anxious attachment style. I have pushed away my remaining friends because of my last relationship, and I am starting to push everyone else away right now. Either way if you made this far, thanks for taking the time. I know I am better than this and I know I can be better than this. I just wish I did not mess this up with her just to learn. Frankly I just wish things like this did not happen just for a learning lesson. Feels like the purpose of my life is just to be an example. do not be like this guy. I just want to be happy, and honest. I try to do the right thing in anything I do, and I try to help people as much as I can. But why I cannot be happy or trust other people? Why cannot I just be happy?Wishing I could time travel now.....&#x200B;Try your best, because everything else is easy. Always do the right thing. Goodwill will always be paid forward. Finding closure in my crazy life, To pursue true happiness within myself",Depression +13398,"I feel lost. My life seems to be going nowhere in particular; I do not have a set path for my goals, and my parents are constantly pressuring me to do better. I love them, and I want to make them happy, and I want them to be proud of me.But I am miserable. Whether it be at work, doing classes, video games, nothing really seems to help anymore. I even delved into marijuana for a while to cope with things, but they just made things worse. I have gotten off of it since; it is been giving me major anxiety. The only time that I feel genuinely not depressed is when I am out with friends, which is only a temporary relief as they have got lives of their own, and their own stuff to do. It just feels like a temporary escape. I have talked to a doctor about my lack of initiative and my inability to focus, but they chalked it up as me being lazy, or lacking a specific goal. Maybe I am.The idea of suicide seems so relieving to me, it feels like an escape from all of my problems; but I know it is not a solution. The only time I feel at ease is when I am asleep. Waking up, I just get hit with a big dose of reality. I just feel so helpless, I do not know what to do with my life. it is getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed every day.",Depression +13399,its just the truth I am not going to say much. i do not like most people and vice vera and i cannot relate to people being a part of society just isent for me,Suicidal +13400,"I am embrassed to type this but I have got nothing left to loose now.I have suffered with mental illness for as long as I can remember and I am now approaching 32 and have absolutely nothing. I cannot hold down a job, I have no friends, and my family keep me at arms length. My dad tries in his own way but he will never reach out to me, I have to contact him. And if I say I am not good I just get ""oh dear."" My brother also suffers with depression but stopped taking his tablets and thinks himself of some sort of life guru and if you are not living life and have his thought process and opinions he is not interested. He came round to my flat and I was so numb staring into space and all he could talk about was how good looking he is getting after his divorce oh and that no one is coming to save me. I know full well no one can ""save"" me, but fuck me, a little compassion maybe?. I have also recently been diagnosed with a beign tumor on my pituitary gland which is causing terrible migraines, vision problems and pain in my joints so I am currently off sick from work and risk loosing yet another job. I have no money, I have hinted to a few family members I am living off a couple slices of toast a day and my mother laughed and said well think of the weight you will loose.there is loads more going on but I am short I am fucking tired, it only gets better for a short amount of time before I am zapped right back to square one. I have even started praying, I collect crystals and I meditate but nothing is working. How did I get here? I am I that much of a twat that I have no one? Alot of my family are narcissist people (not that I blame that, our family is pretty fucked) but yet they are surrounded by people and everyone loves them. So why me, why am I sat here on the verge of taking my own life. I just need one person",Depression +13401,"So, it occurred to me today during my morning sob session that no matter what I do I will still because everybody in my life some level of pain. If I stay alive, they will watch me crumple and waste away doing nothing.If I kill myself, they will be sad in the beginning but it will lessen as time goes on. Maybe even be a relief. Seems like a simple decision to me.Maybe this sounds obvious or silly, but it was a little epiphany to me.Opinions? The lesser of two evils",Suicidal +13402,I am fucking tired i want to slit my goddamn throat I am not enough I am useless I am a failure i hate myself Ill never amount to anything i hate this i hate this i hate this I am in pain,Suicidal +13403,I think I may have finally had enough. I am completely broken right now and my mental state is not okay enough to deal with it. I do not want to kill myself. But I do not want to live. I am just waiting to see which one is stronger right now... This may be it,Depression +13404,"I will never be good enough, I will never be satisfied, I will never be happy with myself, I will never improve my skills to even an amateur level no matter how much I try. I am a miserable, self-loathing, waste if space that will never give the extra mile. Giving up in life seems like what I should do, I am just stalling for no reason. Why do I bother?",Suicidal +13405,"I am so fucking fed up with everything.I have been depressed for 5 years now. I have tried everything, therapy, medication, acupuncture, chinese medicine or whatever it is. Everything. I am so done. My boyfriend fucking left me a couple months ago, i do not have any friends anymore and my family is tired of all my problems. I am just done honestly, I have been fighting this bullshit for 5 fucking years and I am so fucking tired of it. I am crying as I am typing this and I just took some lorazepam to calm down. I have autism as well and a whole list of other issues that I am dealing with every fucking day. i just called the emergency services and this dude I had on the phone did not even listen to me so I am feeling fucking terrible. I am so suicidal and it takes every single bit of strength that I have left in me not to fucking kill myself right now, because honestly, I do not see the point in keeping going. its the same stuff every day and I am just tired of it all. I guess that was my rant.Bye. I am done",Depression +13406,"its always about other people, its always about themselvesits always treating me like a nuisance or like I am not here, they always complaint about how I am in my room 90% of the day but they never care whyeverytime its just me doing something wrong or not being able to treat my emotionssometimes i just want to go away, sometimes i just want someone that understood how i feelit was not supposed to be like thisit was going to be so nice, we were going to have an amazing dinner, i was going to present my boyfriend to everyone and everything was finally going to be perfectinstead I am being yelled at, everything's my fault, and now I am stuck alone in my room againsometimes i just want to never wake up againi wish so much i had someone that loved me...just the thought of having someone that cares, someone that actually wants to talk to me, someone that does not leave me on the side, someone that helps me when I am sad, someome that understands me and cares about what i think...i...I have always loved the thought of not being alone anymore you know?, the idea of finally finding someone to talk about anything and everything with its just...its perfectsomeone that holds my face in his hands and i just...its magicalhim telling me he believes in me...i could die right then and there and I would die the happiest death in the universejust...waking up and not feeling like being alive is a mistake, sounds like paradiseinstead I am here...I am...alone...I am stuck, i do not know what to do, i do not know who to talk to, i do not know where to go, i do not knowmy friends keep telling me to wait, I have been waiting for years, everyday just trying to be better, trying to get by, but no matter what i just feel worse and worse and i do not know how much more i can go on anymore...i just do not want to be alone anymore please they never care",Depression +13407,"It only gets worse and worse and the pain keeps growing. I literally thought weed was either helping or harming but it does not take the pain away and it cannot change my state of mind. Drunk. High. Sober. I am still suicidal and hate myself why am I such a wreck how did it come to this I just want it to end I thought weed was influencing my bad habits. Nope, I am just so depressed I cannot control my actions anymore",Suicidal +13408,"I have wasted this life. I am in my early 20s and I feel like I have wasted my youth and oppurtunities, some people might laugh at that but its true. I have no real friends, no strong connections to anyone, and nothing to be proud of. I just disappoint everyone around me and myself. I am worthless and I am so ashamed to be alive. I do not feel like I deserve to be alive. that is not me shitting on myself, that is just me being realistic. I have let my life slip away. My whole life I have fantasized about living a different one, and it is left me with nothing. I think I am one of those people where suicide is just kind of an obvious choice. If so many other people can do it, why cannot I? I am just tired. I feel so bad because by killing myself I would devastate my family and I have already burdened them so much just by existing. I have failed them. I wish I could erase myself. I cannot prolong this anymore. The shame is too much and I want to put an end to this. I think it is coming soon done",Suicidal +13409,"Recently, I asked my two remaining friends for support while I separated and divorced my partner. (I explained what that support looked like, and made them each aware that I would be reaching out during the first half of 2021. They consented enthusiastically. I let them know I did not have any other support in place, so this would be crucial.)Crickets. I spent most of my weekly spoons chasing them down or trying to figure out why they were ignoring me for over a week. These were adult 20 year friendships, so I checked in with clear communication, was I asking too much? Both apologized, said a visit every two weeks was not too much to ask... And then crickets. Again. Three times in the last five years I have ended close relationships for similar reasons after my boundaries or relationship agreements had been repeatedly violated by a friend. Three times they have responded unprompted with some version of, ""I know I did not show you the appreciation you deserve and I am so sorry."" From where I am standing, they did not fail to appreciate me, they were blatantly disrespectful liars who broke important promises. Those people do not get third or fourth chances to hurt me again. The common language of the apologies has me pondering today. What does healthy balanced appreciation look like? How is it different than respect? Respect vs Appreciation",Depression +13410,"Jk. Idk how else to start this shit. I am killing myself in three months. Ill go to a psychiatrist in 1 month. But if it does not change anything. I will absolutely drive to the Bay Area and kill myself after going to all my favorite places, blow all my money away, and THEN obviously jump off the bay bridge like the stupid cunt I am. I have had this plan for years, I have never gotten help for my extreme constant intrusive thoughts, and for a month and a half I have been (adding onto my obvious symptoms and suicidal thoughts) 100% down, crying 5+ times a day for no reason or having periods of complete rage with no explained because. I have plenty of reasons to live, but cannot find a logical or real reason to NOT kill myself, if that makes sense. I see no point in living like this, and I have always planned to do it at 25 at the latest. I am just going to do it 6 years early, I am done. I feel hatred for everyone except my closest family. I feel sorry for my family for having to have to deal with this. I realize Scde is self serving, and selfish, and frowned on, but I am at the point where I do not care, I am not wanting to be talked down. I have absolutely no friends. NONE. I would like a friend, but that is all, maybe Ill make it to 25 with a friend. Maybe. And 3 months is plenty of time to allow change guys okay? I will not rely on the friend literally. I will not even tell them what I am planning, I just want something to pass the time till 25. But in three months it may not change. Wish me luck lmao Hey barbz",Depression +13411,"Sorry I am kind of ranting but I am really at my wits end. I have 0 friends to talk to. I attempt to make friends and when I manage too, I end up pushing them away. I feel like I lack/incapable of learning the skills to have healthy friendships. I have 0 ambitions, goals, or dreams. I play video games to distract myself but that does not last long. So, instead I waste all my money on food and eat until I pass out.that is all my life is. I am too scared to kill myself and I realize the impact it might have on my mom if I were too, but I feel like I have reached the equivalent of being dead while being alive. I do not really know what to do anymore and I just feel like this is going to be life for me because I do not have the strength to climb out. Its hard at the age of 23 to feel like this is it. I just want to be able to be happy without the requirement of someone else to give me the self worth I cannot.Why do I hate myself so much and when will I ever have the energy or passion to do anything. I do not want to live like this anymore I do not really know anymore.",Depression +13412,"I am 21. If you met me in real life you would never ever imagine I am suicidal. But every day I wake up it feels like a fucking chore. Whenever I go to sleep I pray to any higher being that exists to end my suffering, to take my life. I wish I could go painlessly in my sleep. I have no purpose in my life. I tried to write a note for my reasons to live and literally the only thing I could write was *my parents would be devastated*. I am an only child. Life feels like a void. it is just blank. I wish there was a way I could end this. And I hope there is no fucking afterlife. I just want to stop existing. On the outside I am a smart, average looking, relatively accomplished guy with a good family. On the inside, I am broken, depressed, blank and unable to find any will to live.",Suicidal +13413,Of my life now and i feel so worthless and overwhelmed.I need help but do not have anyone in my life to ask for .Can anyone talk to me please ? Going through some of the hardest moments,Suicidal +13414,"I am leaving soon, I cannot handle it anymore. I just want it to end. I am leaving soon.",Suicidal +13415,3 years ago I went back to university after dropping out previously. I felt like this could be a new start and I would turn my life back around. But my behaviors did not change and I ended up even worse than before. I have learned nothing. I am again failing my classes and will probably be expelled again.I am honestly a waste of time and money. My parents invested in me and I feel like a scammer who dragged them into a bad business deal. I have wasted so much money that I honestly feel like my parents could have bought another home with it. I always felt weird when people were committing suicide because they felt like their loved ones would be better off without them. Even in my darkest times I always felt like I contributed something to make someone is day better. But recently I definitely feel like my family would be better off without me and I was just delusional. The most ironic thing is that this could have been prevented if i had less hope in myself. I would have taken the easy route without having to prove myself or anyone else that I could do better. But now I have only proven myself that I am a fuck up.I honestly just hope for a fast and easy death and that my suffering will not last so long anymore. I wish I gave up sooner,Depression +13416,"You have no idea how badly I would want to see this. To see everyone realise how awful I felt, for them to know I was not faking it, all the attention I would finally get, for people to wish they would of treated me better. I have fantasied daily about slitting my wrists open and bleeding out and somebody finding me when its too late. My one wish would be to see how people react after my suicide.",Suicidal +13417,"I feel lost. I am 26 years old, I lost my job due to illness, all my friends have moved to other countries. I feel so alone and depressed. I have had such black thoughts and behaviors lately. Not to see a way out of this. I just want to disappear somewhere, because I upset others with my behavior. And I have a feeling when I would find a job, a lot of things would change for me, but I cannot find it because I have health problems and I live in a very poor country in Europe. As much as I tried to be positive, I cannot take this anymore, I feel crazy without a job. I no longer have the strength to fight.",Suicidal +13418,I am so mad I do not know how to take it out I have never felt so angry I am so mad I will never get a girlfriend this shit makes me want to kill someone I swear to god the fact I will never be loved because I do not have enough money and I am not tall enough I want to take it out girls are so cold to me I am stuck working shit jobs and I am forced to end it over these fucking bitches that never loved I just want to be loved I want to know what love feels like but because of the way I am I will never be loved. I come home to nothing someone is going to feel my anger I am going to make someone pay before I go and there going to suffer when I say suffer I am going to put a bitch through so much pain she will wish she was never born. I am so angry I have no one to talk to.,Suicidal +13419,It just keeps getting fucking worse. Wtf is wrong with my stupid brain? I hope I will not be here soon. So sick of everything,Suicidal +13420,"I have had mental health issues all my life and for the first time this year I had hope in starting therapy and meds. It turns out the therapist I can afford barely has time (have not had an appointment in months) and the meds worsened my mental state so badly that I am afraid to try anything else. I had a relationship and we fell for each other, but only a short time later had to end it because of the distance. I am in near constant pain and cannot focus on anything else. I feel like I fail at everything I try and am starting to lose hope in finding something to do with my life. I feel unimportant and unwanted, used and thrown away almost. It sucks, and I do not see it ending anytime soon. Everything in my life feels like a bait and switch",Depression +13421,"I do not hate being alive. I just hate living. I feel like I cannot do anything right no matter how hard I try. I tend to mess something up in one way or another and I am just trying to survive. I drive my car trying to get from one point to another in a rural area with no public transportations, my car breaks.I drive my dads truck, and it rains, living in a hilly spot, the traction control comes on, and now the tires smell and have a white smoke coming from them, even after the traction control disengaged.I had to grocery shop and I was just trying to get the usual. I got pickles and then putting them in the truck something broke so now there pickle juice all over a 50lb bag of salts that is for our cows. Of course the bag was paper so the juice leaked through. And of course trying to get the giant box of cat little out of this truck I am not used to I smacked my lip and busted it open. These were just my blunders from this morning. The list goes onIm just tired of doing stuff. Everything I do something, bad things keeps happening and I am tired of feeling like a burden, I waste money I break stuff. And all I am trying to do is live with the same knowledge that was given to my peers. I wish I could just some doing thing and making decisions and have everything done for me. Then I could do nothing wrong. Fuck my lip hurts. I hate having to live.",Depression +13422,"fell in love, got too invested, and now I am left with no purpose to continue living. i cannot endure the pain of losing someone forever anymore. every time i close my eyes i think of dying. helped me figure out how to end things as painless as possible she left me.",Suicidal +13423,How would someone make suicide look like an accident? I feel like this would make it easier on loved ones. Make suicide look like an accident?,Suicidal +13424,"I am too depressed to work/go to school.But then I get anxious about my future and the fact that my parents are almost 60.Then I try to look for easy-er jobs that do not require extra schooling / a degree.Then i get overwhelmed and panic about everything I missed out on due to my depression in my teenyears and now.Then I send out a paniced application for a mini job, get rejected.Then the circle starts from the start. I just was not made to live I am in a circle",Depression +13425,sorry I have spammed here so much i just want to say bye I am killing myself soon,Suicidal +13426,"I feel an intense failure in my relationships, my work life, and my general day to day life. There are promising opportunities and working out does help me. But, I have reached a new point of depression, self depreciation and anger due to the fact I do not feel appreciated for trying. I either have what others want right now or I do not. And, if I do not I am worthless. I am judged by solely my value and that is hard on my mental health because I do not feel valuable. Should I drop the people around me that add me more stress and look within for strength while disregarding the loss of them or try to explain myself. I am wondering how I should handle this emotion ?Also, more specifically, the main source of my depression is my significant other. Even when I am trying if it does not meet her standards it feels as though it is pointless. I feel perpetually insufficient and she lacks severely in the willingness and ability to communicate. She then further perpetuates this notion because she considers many of my wants selfish. She does have her points and I understand her viewpoint many times but I feel there is a blatant disregard for my emotions and a push for argumentation. However , I currently live with her so it is difficult to avoid her entirely. I just want her to listen to me without yelling or arguing. Any advice? Unsure of what to do next",Depression +13427,"I do not want to do anything last time it is already lasts for like 2 weeks, I do not know why, even if I am feel good it does not help, anyone knows what to to with it? I am started to feeling unmotivated and bored",Depression +13428,Helpwhen i go out i mostly look down with a hood on and i cannot remember the day i socialized properlyi do not want to suicide but i really want to find myself..i feel sad..and lost..i stay away from my family and friends because i do not want to ruin their mood..i avoid mirrors bc i do not see the person i was used to..if anyone can relate let me know :/ Hi guys,Depression +13429,"I am so tired of everything, the whole day at work I wished I was dead and I wanted to just jump in front of the cars. I wish I could just disappear. I have had enough. No treatment is helping me Tired",Depression +13430,"I am 33 and been suffering with depression since I was in my early teens, I also have have anxiety and PTSD. I got bacterial meningitis back in 2014 so now have a TBI from it. I cannot help the anxiety and PTSD but I will no longer let depression rule my life. No pills, no therapy. Just vitamin D and exercise is what I am going to do to beat the sadness out. Wish me luck! I am going to beat depression into a pulp",Depression +13431,"I do not know who I am. Sometimes I am the son of my parents, the one who exists solely to make them proud. Other days, I am the employee at work and the coworker so my friends. Sometimes I am a college student who is only purpose is to excel. there is always a day, when I realize I am nothing. I feel worthless, I cannot stand these different sides trying to pull me towards them. I hate myself, I hate them but all I can do is cry about it. Sometimes I feel so emotionless that the world may as well not even exist, but other times I feel as if I take everything on myself- the pain of those around me, and I shove mine down to make room for theirs.But no matter how hard I try, it feels as if no one truly cares. No one gives me a second thought. That I am nothing to those around me. No one hates me more than me, no one is more disappointed in me than me. The world is a pool of despair and I take it all on. One day Ill pass from this world and I cannot help but hope that day comes soon, because when it does my pain is finally over. Whatever exists beyond this world has to be better- I sincerely hope it is. Because I am tired of suffering. Emotionless/Overly Emotional",Suicidal +13432,"I have been experiencing symptoms of depression. But I do not know if I actually am depressed. I feel useless. I cannot tell this to my parents as they know what depression is and how it impacts you but whenever the word ""depression"" is heard by them they get uncomfortable and they try to avoid it. I want to know if I really do have depression or are these some things teens have normally. Are there any resources where I can get diagnosed for free as I do not have any funds and cannot tell my parents to take me to a pediatrician? Is there a way to get diagnosed with depression for free?",Depression +13433,"societys falling to shambles, I am a spoiled 15yo enby, and i still want to kms. I am spoiled yet selfish as fuck. i just want to be euthanized or some shit. i know human euthanization pills exist, but i cannot get my hands on those, so here i am, stuck in this living hell. (tw: profanity) others lives are miserable and i still want to end it even tho I am virtually unaffected",Suicidal +13434,"At the age of 23, I am a 57 male. My dad is taller than me and my younger brothers are taller than me at 510 and 59. Everywhere I look on the internet or even just regular conversations people seem to be OBSESSED with height. Any short male is deemed as a joke these days and I cannot take it anymore.I do not even like standing up because I am reminded of my height. I do not look in a mirror because of how ugly and short I am. A reminder that men will always look down on me thinking they can beat me up and if I were to magically get a girlfriend, her friends and family will always remark on how she could do better.I do not see the point in continuing on. The only way a short guy like me can find some sort of happiness in this world is by being very rich. Otherwise, no matter how hard I work, no matter how social I am, Ill always be 57. Ill always be a joke and a last option for women.Once I move out I plan on dying. I cannot live in this height obsessed society anymore. Too ashamed to stand up or look in a mirror.",Depression +13435,"I have a full time job working for a company who are doing great things. I have a boyfriend who is nice to me. I have a cat who I love, I have a few friends (not many, but the ones I have are good) I have a sister who I can talk to but I still just cannot seem to maintain anything even remotely resembling happiness or order. For as long as I can remember I have been so up and down in terms of my mental health, and it feels like mostly downs. I always get myself into this state where I am behind with work, I am behind with things I need to do in my personal life, I am neglecting my personal hygiene, I let my colleagues and my boyfriend down, I do not text my friends and family back, I let them down by forgetting big events like birthdays. I am really struggling to understand what my purpose on this planet even is and what I can do to get to a place where I can feel like I am useful or like I am not just a burden. I have been so anxious lately that I have absolutely ruined the skin on my face and arms by relentlessly picking at it. I just want to switch off my brain and stop existing for a fixed period of time until I can come back and deal with my life and get my shit together. I wish there was a pause button, but it feels like life is moving 10x faster than my brain and body are able to catch up with and I do not know how to function. What is wrong with me?",Suicidal +13436,"This is not a oh poor me, I feel for everyone who has to deal with this shit. Of and on since I was 13 with amazing people to help. But since my last relationship ended in 2020 I have come to the point where I am literally so exhausted. I go to work. Come home go to bed. And repeat. Everyday but sundays. I feel so fucking empty and its really getting scary how I just do not feel like me anymore. I want that back. Time is passing so quick, I am 23 and feel like I need to get on with my dreams before its too late. I do not want to be old with regret but at the same time do not know where to start. What helps you?Any advice? Try get back into chasing my dreams with my hobbies? I need your advice",Depression +13437,"I hate my life so much. No social life till 27, like back in the days of kindergarden, our teacher literally begged other children to at least try to befriend me and not exclude me from all their activities. And still got marginalized, had 0 friends, got bullied a lot. But still was a cheerful person till i moved out of my parents house and went to uni.And when things started to turn for the better, guess what? Covid happened. Isolation again. The fact that i live in a literally shit country (romania) made it even worse. What hurts me the most is the impossibility to find a romantic partner. Tried every dating app possible, went to every social event after restrictions were lifted, literally trying hard to check all the boxes and no success. Not a single chance.Also tried therapy/counselling. did not help at all. One can tell me "" do this do that and you will eventually find someone"". I just cannot do it , I am too menrally exhausted to try it anymore and i feel I am condemned to live this both dream and nightmare stuff called life- dream because every other aspect in my life is on point and going absolutely perfect. But there is this social aspect that gives me suicidal thoughts every day.The only thing i can do is being an aggressive troll on the internet. If i said something bad to/about you, sorry i did not mean it. it is the unending frustratiin that speaks for me. Sometimes i wish i had a terminal disease and know I will certainly die very soon",Suicidal +13438,"The love of my life left me months ago directly after a suicide attempt, and she took all our friends with her. they have been ghosting me or giving me bullshit excuses to not see me since. I have multiple serious mental illnesses that are basically incurable, I have never held down a job for longer than a year, I have goals but I fully expect to fail and be worse off because nothing ever gets better for me. I am supposed to start school soon but I know Ill fuck that up too, and that is my last option. I just want to love and be loved but the person I trusted most in my life up and left when I needed her most, so how could I ever trust again? Sorry for rambling I do not even know what the fuck I am doing I feel like I am already dead",Depression +13439,"There are lots of awful people on internet they just make sitatuon worse. Humiliation, blaiming, harsh criticism exc. I do not get what is their problem. They chosse depressed lonely people to put them down. What world we are living in. I do not recommand my fellow suicidal/depressed people to share their struggles on internet",Suicidal +13440,"I have been diagnosed with depression since 2019 after a panic attack left me unemployed. I started taking meds straight away. At the beginning of this year, I was finally moved to the lowest Prozac prescription as I was deemed ""stable"".I was very happy to move to a lower dosage as I could not think clearly and focus when I was on the heavier meds. I thought I could finally get back to working. However it did not work out as I expected.I started with a high volume of job applications but over time they dropped to none. This might due to fear, anxiety or disappointment.Lately, I only accomplish a maximum of 10% of any task or goal I set.As of today I am feeling hopeless and helpless. I am starting to doubt my worth and competence. This week I gave up. I will no longer put effort into anything period. I am on day four without cleaning and showering. Unlike before I do not feel guilty this time. I have accepted. Light at the end of the tunnel burns out",Depression +13441,"I am edging closer and closer to killing myself. I have never ever thought that I would actually do it, but lately I am starting to doubt that conviction. I am almost 40 and things are not getting better. I live with my parents again for the umpteenth time in my life after breaking up for the umpteenth time with the woman I have been with for umpteen years and losing the umpteenth job because of what I call mental health issues but most other people call laziness. I am 30 thousand dollars in debt in student loans, the schooling for which has never helped me get a single job. I have never made much more than minimum wage and I have never even put a dent in paying off the loans. What a waste of time and money school was.I have violent thoughts towards myself all the time and often I find myself thinking about violence against faceless entities like ""the government"" or ""the rich"". I have sought mental health help for many, many years in many, many forms and there is nothing that seems to help me cope with my lack of success. I am on pills now and they make me feel less angry but not less sad. I am really thinking that I may not be able to hold my resolve against my growing instinct that I would be better off just ending things.What should I do? (Going to the hospital never yields results, I have done that a number of times and quite frankly I do not need to be put on a 48 hour watch, I am not crazy, I am at the end of my rope -- I have no more fucks to give). I was going to tell my parents or my ex how I was feeling but I just keep stopping myself because I do not feel like putting the burden on them. So I searched 'suicide' on reddit and here I am. I hope I do not get the typical internet responses but I suppose putting myself out there like this invites it no matter what. TLDR; never thought I would do it, life seems like it only gets worse, probably will do it. Probably Going to Do it...",Suicidal +13442,i do not know what to do or where to go i want to kill myself so fucking bad i spent so much time and energy trying to follow the things i was told to do by mental health professionals and the only time i felt any semblance of relief was in my dreams since my mental illness makes it almost impossible to distinguish them from reality and for a second i am able to believe i am actually killing myself i stopped eating the way I am supposed to and working out and taking my medication and doing therapy for about two or three weeks now and i honestly do not know how to proceed from here i reallt want to kill myself but I am so scared of dealing with the consequences of surviving a suicide attempt i rlly wish i could own a gun so i could just blow my brains out and i feel so bad posting shur like this but i do not have any friends anymore i have not talked to anyone in about three months i just want to kill my self i just want to be okay,Suicidal +13443,"and the money was refunded to my bank account. I was so afraid to go pick it up. I thought about all the years I would never live to see, and I thought about how my death would play out in the world around me. I still feel like dying, but at least I did not go pick up the gun. I live in the South, so its so easy to buy a gun. They do not care. Almost any person can buy a gun as long as they are not a convicted felon. kind of problematic like. Ethically. but also kind of relieving to those of us who love legal euthanasia. Anyway I got scared and did not do anything and did not even pick up the gun I ordered online from the store. I have never been that close to midnight with regard to my own death lol it was wild I bought a gun but never picked it up",Suicidal +13444,i do not have anyone. I am tired of crying and throwing up. i just want it to end. why am i so lonely? why am i less deserving of having friends than everyone else? /,Depression +13445,I am trapped in a life I hate with no way out. And there is nothing that can change that. I have come to the horrible realisation that I will never have the life I dream of,Depression +13446,"In the last few years my life completely fell apart, my health went to shit, so did my career prospects, I am 33 and even though I did well in college and got into grad school, I could not make it in grad school now I am back home living with my parents like a loser. Every time I try to pull myself up, my health gets worse. I take a step forward and get knocked back 2. I am very close to just being done with it all. I hate reminding myself, that unless I am done living, then I have to keep trying.",Depression +13447,Today is the kind of day I do not want to keep going. Today,Depression +13448,My girlfriend/ best friend left. The 2 friends I have do not ever respond to me. My whole family hates me. No matter what I do I always get insulted by them relentlessly. My room is a fucking dumpster and it is not even my fault. Everything just seems to be falling apart around me. And I have had a lot of time to think. That I might be the reason for almost all of this. I am a pitiful person and a waste of air. I just do not want to live with all of this pain and misery. I am not sure if I want to live anymore,Suicidal +13449,she left me because i was a burden on her busy life she left,Suicidal +13450,"I was and still am a wreck.Yesterday I went to as many shops as I could and bought paracetamol (around 100) went to a park and ate them all.After that, I went home and thought id fall asleep and never wake up.I did fall asleep but around 4 hours later I woke up and vomited so, so much. I could taste the paracetamol.I vomited a few more times and went back to sleep.I have been extremely distant today and I just need to reach out to someone for advice/help. I tried yesterday.",Suicidal +13451,"Since as young as I can remember I have always had friends. I had a great group of friends at school growing up. But I am now 23 and I have basically either lost contact with everyone I used to call a friend or they just do not seem interested in my friendship anymore. I am away from home a lot. I work and live abroad but I am currently back home for a few months. My friends have all moved away from home too but not far. I could easily get on a train to meet them if they offered. Then when they have been home they have not even got in contact with me. They know I am home. Who I used to call my best friend now shares a flat with one of his friends he met at uni. Many of his other uni friends leave moved to the same area and hes seems to have Theas his friendship group now. I think hes outgrown me. The other friends I have either not heard from or they are just not interested in seeing me. I feel so shit because friends are the point of life to me. They are the family you choose. And some of the best moments of my life have been with friends. To suddenly realise I have zero friends is hurting me a lot. I do not know what to do. Being at home and having no plans every single day as well as other stuff is making me incredibly depressed. I am just looking forward until I can get away from here now and try and make new friends when i go back abroad. But making new friends in your 20s sounds so hard. Does anyone have any advice, similar experiences or tips for making new friends? How do I cope with suddenly having no friends?",Depression +13452,"Me: Why do my cheek bones hurt? Depression: Because I like to literally punch you in the face when I am around. I have never self-harmed in any way *other* than punching myself in the face as hard as I can, multiple times, until I stop... eventually. Plus side, I am pretty sure I could take a punch if anyone ever hit me. (Me, trying to be sarcastic and empathetic on myself) Down side, I am literally hitting myself as hard as I possibly can.. how do I stop this?.. The kind of self harm no one seems to talk about.",Depression +13453,"So recent events in my life have me feeling empty. After moving away from my parents, our relationship got significantly worse in terms of communication and seeing each other. Our conversations have no depth or meaning to them, its all a bunch of superficial talk. They are unable to see the pain I am going through and I have tried to communicate it in the past and it was taken very lightly with not much input or action from their end. Due to this feeling of being lost, my gf which loves me and I love her dearly broke up with me because I am not inching forward in life. Everything is dragging and I cannot see a purpose to being here. Also professionally speaking i am feeling stuck as well with no motivation to aspire for greater things. Those that experience this emptiness which in turn in my ene bring out the suicidal thoughts, how did/do you overcome them? Feeling lost and without a purpose",Suicidal +13454,"My wife does not love me or care about me anymore. Last night I was coughing because I went outside with our son and I have issues with the smog we have right now and she got mad at me for coughing, then I lost my wallet today and she was like well tough luck keep better track of your stuff. I mean she is not wrong about that but Its clear that she no longer gives a fuck.So I no longer have a reason to exist, and will crash my car into a barricade and die today. I thought I could win her back but nothing is working, she does not acknowledge any positive changes I make and just finds new things to get mad about.I give up, I cannot save this relationship and I have to die, today. I cannot get her to care about me anymore.",Suicidal +13455,"Hello friends,I have struggled with depression for years. I have been on Lexapro for \~2 years. It...helped. Sort of. Still felt worthless, tired, sad, irritable, suicidal, etc., but maybe it took the edge off. However, I did have some sexual side effects (hard to finish, hard to stay up).Fast forward to this year, and I got a better doctor who decided to add Wellbutrin. After about a month, it is like switch flipped. I still have problems, but they do not seem insurmountable. Especially to how I have felt in the past, it is a nice change.Now, my question is - should I start weening off Lexapro? Not sure it did a ton, and the side effects were...not ideal. But I am not sure if the two meds are working together. Just wanted to get some thoughts so I do not backslide.Thanks! Medication opinions - Lexapro and Wellbutrin",Depression +13456,"I am a 22 y/o with a history of severe depression including suicide attempts. I got those when I was around 18 and seeked medical support and I thought I was getting better. I found my will to live and tried to live a good life. But my father passed away suddenly and I kept having existential crises and now I do not see any point of living anymore. Few years back I used to cut my arms and thighs whenever I wanted to distract my pain to somewhere physical and now I do not even feel like doing anymore and its a lot more scarier. Every person in my life know me as this super happy person with no issue at all and I hate to burst their bubble by sharing my story with them. And I am at a point where I do not want anyone in my family to know that I am leading this double life and therefore I cannot get a professional to help me. I am at that point where nothing even hurts me anymore, not even the thought of my loved ones missing me when I am gone. I do not want to kill myself, but it would be great if I could just not exist anymore. Please. Help me. A cry for help",Depression +13457,"i stared at this post for a while not typing anything. i have so much to say yet nothing to say. this is last ditch effort to see if anyone out there feels the same. I got a new job during covid, i had my doubts - actually everything told me not to take it, felt wrong but pay was good and i was working 24/7 w my old job. well, 4 months in - i hate it, i want to quit, i dread the day to day. i never want to go back to the office, working from home at least allows me to cry in peace. I have had anxiety but this is the first time I am saying ""I am depressed"" i want to quit. so badly i just want to quit - with nothing lined up and take the time for myself to heal. but that also scares me. idk what i want anymore. i never want to go back to the office. i feel lost. and the crazy thing is i have a lot to offer, i know i do, but i just feel in a hamster wheel. Work is killing me",Depression +13458,i think I have been raped or atleast sexually assaulted multiple times idk idk it is so hard to know if i have or not and I am so suicidal i cannot do this shit i do not know what to do i do not know i do not know please someone please please please,Suicidal +13459,"I have been looking at the news and all I see is that our world is going to hell in a hand basket sooner than anticipated. So why should I bother with living if all I am going to be doing in my future is watch everything crumble around me. I just do not understand what there is to live for anymore, really the only thing I get up everyday for is my dog. Why bother",Depression +13460,"Hi, 4 years ago i made a long time therapy 48 hours i guess. It did not help. I have only one thing i want to talk about which happed in the past, but i cannot find Therapy due to covid now, i would have to wait 1,5 years anyone can help? No more therapy?",Depression +13461,"And if I told the truth, it would rip apart their preconceived notions, and their fragile egos would bring them so much pain. Or it would go to Bojack's ""everyone loves you but nobody likes you"". I do not want that. I lie to everybody, no one knows me, so no one loves me.",Suicidal +13462,"So, first of all, I am a 21 years old guy with Asperger's. I have been depressed for a few years because of how I feel that everything that happens to me is my fault. I have a really high amount of self-hate because I do not like anything about me at all. I think things like I am ugly, short, and a shitty human being. Over the last few years, my life has become worse and worse. I have failed my last year of highschool for 4 years in a row. I do not have any friends at all because I lost them slowly. I have also been in a few relationships, but all of them ended badly. At first I thought all those things were because of bad luck, but now I think they all were my fault because I am a piece of trash.I am useless at everything I do, like, I am not good at anything at all. I have been trying for a long time to make friends by joining groups and using chat apps but I always end up either fucking up, or not getting an answer.I do not know what to do at all anymore. I hate my life so much that I want it to end. But I am also too much of a coward to end it. Everything that happens in my life is bad, and even if something good happens, I end up fucking up after days or months. I am tired of being alone and always fucking up everything.I just want to have friends and live a happy life, but I feel that it will not ever happen because I would fuck up again and again each time. I have been feeling worse over the years and I do not know what to do anymore.",Suicidal +13463,I hate them and I do not want be like them I think there just disgusting but I do not want be like them why am I so scared of becoming pedo I am scared of becoming a pedophile,Depression +13464,"we had been together for 3 years just coming up for 4 both met and worked for the same company had our whole lives planned out, family, just bought a house together and going to advance our careers but one stupid mistake where I kissed my best friend, yeah pretty much ruined everything Thing is I have no idea why I done it it was the worst mistake I had ever made think I got stuck in this whole, routine so to speak I was happy really really happy never wanted anything like this to happen would honestly do anything to change what I done I completely understand that she was hurt and cannot trust me completely understand that but I would have done anything for a chance to prove it but I fucked up, I know I did and I will need to live my life without her in it she was the best thing to ever happen to me, always will be but I know she deserves someone better I am a 30M with no family no friends and no one to talk to, been taking so many codine pain killers and then cutting to see if I can feel anything.2 nights ago I had a noose all tied up and around my neck all I had to do was jump.I am down the deepest darkest hole I have ever been in.I just want to end it all. Just broke up with my life partner, it is all my fault now she is dating someone else.",Suicidal +13465,"I am actually scared of dying but I really do feel like I was born a mistake, I envy every people I see I just wish I get to be born like them, I never give it my all, I actually never thought Id get pass beyond 18 years old, I am now 21 and because I never really think that i will survive this long i really have no idea what do i want to be, i did not feel like i have grown either, i feel like I am stuck at the age of 16, being an immigrant in US is not helping me either, I just need someone to tell me what to do, the college I am going to is not helping and i feel like they do not want me to be there, can anyone tell me what do 21 years old do? Am I depressed?",Suicidal +13466,So I do not think suicide can be that bad. I will not be doing it today but the future has been written for me! so how can I not follow through with my destiny? it is not like I have never been in pain before,Suicidal +13467,"Every day I think about ending it all because I am just constantly suffering in silence. People know I am ill but know one knows the fucking mess that occupies my head or the extent of my unhappiness.It is driving me to insanity and I know one day Ill just have to do it to quieten it all forever. I just hate the guilt, I have a beautiful family and friends but that does not change a thing for me, just makes me feel even worse knowing they will have to deal with me ending it I am trying but its too hard",Suicidal +13468,"I was diagnosed with depression a long while ago, with that term chemical imbalance thrown around a lot too. I only really experienced exactly what this meant this summer.While trying to make some life improvements I had decided to try multivitamins as my diet has been lacking for a long while on account of not being able to afford better meals or many of them, often i was having only one meal a day of either a microwave meal or noodles. After taking the multivitamins I experienced a severe wave of depression, more intense than when i had first been diagnosed. I am wondering if anyone else has ever had a similar experience or can advise me of anything on how to avoid reoccurrences or further complications in the future. (PS I stopped taking the vitamins immediately after feeling this way. It took around 3 days to kick in but nearly 2 weeks to wear off.) What is chemical imbalance depression?",Depression +13469,"I have tried to kms a multitude of ways in the past and i know i have a mood disorder or issue and my therapist does too i just have not been diagnosed yet. i want to be anywhere but here i need to die I am so manic rn I have been high for like two weeks now and I am 16 and feel like I am deteriorating, I have been stealing money for weed from my mum but idc she is rlly fucking abusive i just want to be anywhere but here i feel so alone i do not know where to go",Suicidal +13470,Okay so I do not know if this is the right place to post this to please tell me if it is notI have been depressed for a while now and someone mentioned that I do not laugh with sound? I have not thought about it before since I barely laugh to begin with but it is pretty much true but the thing is that I have not always been like this and I remember how I would laugh when I was younger so I went on my old Ipad and turns out about 6 years ago I used to laugh all the time freely WITH SOUND and my parents told me I had a special laugh I was known for I have been trying to get myself to get my laugh back but it is just not working and I am super insecure about the way I laugh nowIs there any way I can fix the way I laugh? Physically cannot laugh anymore,Depression +13471,"Hi I am a 20yr M from Australia. This is my first time ever attempting something like this as I tend to have trouble talking about the things that go on inside of my head. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety from the age I was 12, though later on in life I have a few disorders that come along with that. The reason I am writing this is because I have been slowly getting really bad and it is getting to the point were I do not see myself making it much longer if I cannot change my ways. The problem there is it has been almost three years since my last job because of covid and well my inability to work because I honestly cannot face the real world because every time I do something happens that sends me back to thinking that if I work I will become suicidal again. I have no friends left and when I mean none I mean every weekend for three years I have spent on my own. I am worried about my mental state and what this is doing to me, my sleeping schedule is ruined I basically sleep during the days and am up all night do not eat enough food and do not really see the sun at all. I do not know what I am hoping to get out of this my expectations are not very high at all but if it did maybe someone who has been through similar situations older that can give advice or even people around my age like this. All I know is that I am scared of what I may do to myself and that I will not live past this lockdown in Australia. Anyway I am going to bed because its nearly 1 am because I did not sleep last night at all or today and I want to try and reset my sleeping pattern. I hope everyone is doing well and if you have not heard it lately I am insanely proud of you for trying your best. Depression overload",Depression +13472,"I just tried to hang myself but, it was in a stupid way. The knot was a shit attempt because even when I have instructions, I am shit with my hands and I tried it from a light fixture I knew logically probably would not hold. It literally just bent so it could slip off. So now I just have a slightly sore neck and a mangled light half pulled out the ceiling I am going to have to explain. I really wanted it to work but knew it would not and tried anyway. I am such a moron. I am so tired. I have been deeply depressed for over a decade and it just will not go away. I am so tired and I want to go. I wish you could die from mental exhaustion. Dumb attempt at hanging",Suicidal +13473,And I am only 29. This is not right. Been feeling depressed and anxious most of my life but the past few years malaise and fatigue has set it. it is hard to do much when you feel unwell most of the time. Can depression because malaise and fatigue? I feel sick all the time...,Depression +13474,"All this pain over one woman who I cannot stop dreaming about, but will never have. Holding these emotions in is destroying every inch of me. do not know how much longer I can goI just go home and sit alone, wondering what we could be. The dreams also never stop.Her eyes just sparkle, But she will never be mine Just end me already My own feelings will be the physical end of me",Depression +13475,"Last year was the low point of my life. My wife left me, I had gained a massive amount of weight, my sleep schedule was completely out of whack, I was extremely depressed, constantly felt weak, never wanted to leave the house, etc. Also worth noting I have been balding since highschool and my sex drive was at an all time low.Needless to say, I saw another post on reddit someone with low T levels describing their symptoms and it was like reading an autobiography. I went to my doctor and sure enough, my testosterones was at ground levels. The doctor got me set up on testosterones therapy and the results have been life changing.Since then I have effortlessly lost weight, I am in a waaaaaaaaay better mental state, my sex drive is through the roof, I am hitting the gym (something I thought I would never say) and I am even dating again.Seriously, if any of these symptoms describe you go see your doctor. it is way more common than people realize and nothing to be ashamed of. Getting my testosterone levels checked saved my life. [27M]",Depression +13476,"I have been going through a really stressful and emotionally demanding time period in my life and in my relationship for the past few months. I have had a few panic attacks and lots of worry, stress, fatigue, etc associated with my relationship. Including the stress of being with someone who might also have mental illness, constantly worried if they are okay, scared they will hurt themselves, long distance, fighting, etc. A few days ago i all of a sudden feel numb. Like a switch turned and i feel completely disconnected from reality. Totally depressed, sleeping all day, and what is most concerning is that i have no desire to contact my significant other or anybody around me. I think i have been depressed for a long time (~8 years) but only now am i really concerned as I am now so indifferent and numb so suddenly that its hard to do anything. Had anybody experienced this? Maybe my body was overloaded with stress and i was not dealing properly or something and now its sort of shut down on me?It has not been a substantial amount of time, but this is nothing I have felt before. If this is my untreated depression saying hi I have never met it to this degree before. Anyone relate? All of a sudden i feel nothing",Depression +13477,I feel like a horrible person and want to die is there anyone who wants to just talk that is 20+ Someone to talk to,Depression +13478,I do not enjoy doing anything anymore i hate that nobody will let me kill myself because they are doing more harm than good when they do that No point in being alive I wish people would let me kill myself,Suicidal +13479,"Hi /r/Depression,Let me introduce myself. I am a 26 years old guy and I have been dealing with (minor) depression since I was about 18 years old. I have been into therapy about two years ago and within two weeks I am starting it up again because things have been going downhill lately. I need a new job, I need to move somewhere else, I need some fucking love, but I am just fucking stuck. People always tell me it will get better, but how long is it going to take? I would love to believe it, but it takes a lot of fucking time. I am not suicidal or anything, thank god, but I have done stupid shit like driving really fast at night on an empty road and turning off the lights and just blast into oblivion. Deep down inside I know it is a scream for attention or an urge to feel a kind of peculiar 'romantic' feeling. And it never lasts for more than three to five seconds before you snap out of it. Anyways, that is not supposed to be me. I am still at the same place where I was a couple of years ago. Looking back, things have not improved that much despite hard fucking work. So what do I fucking do? I hope I get lucky one day in the future, but it has not happened yet. All my friends get lucky... The whole ordeal is not the-end-of-the-world-bad, but it just sucks so much. I really do not know what to do. Luckily, I do have very happy days! Days where I feel me again, a confident, smart and handsome guy. But on days like these, it just eats up everything. Is there any short term solution to get things going again? do not tell me to read a book or to go play the guitar, do something I like, because that is only possible if my mind is in the right place. The only thing that would help is I think a miracle. Where are my miracles? Like, suddenly being able to move on because of sheer coincidence because you found someone or something you love. It happens to the people I know. Well, not me. I was given the option of taking citalopram by my general practitioner and I thought about it, but I will not take it. For three reasons: 1) They do not work on everyone, 2) If one is to take them it must be for a long period of time, 3) I do not want to get dependent. I might take them in the future, but let us first see my psychologist.Perhaps I can talk a little with you in here, ask me questions or anything, because I am not able to really pinpoint everything. there is pages and pages of feelings in what I mentioned above, but I just cannot paint the whole picture. What the absolute fuck do I do right now? Depressed, need some help. Or better, a miracle. I just want to talk...",Depression +13480,"I just want to die but I cannot. I know the family I do care about would be shattered so I cannot. I have been telling myself for years that I would stay alive at least for my nephew but fuck I am not good enough to take care of myself. Everyday I think ""Fuck what am I going on for?"" I wake up everyday to go to a job I hate with terrible coworkers and management just to drink or smoke my days off away to avoid the negative feelings. I have gotten to the point where nothing can numb how disatrisfied I am in myself and my circumstances.. When I apply myself to do more I just lose and lose. Been trying to get a new job or skill for awhile but Covid is slowing down opportunities good enough to pay the bills. I get teased and get to 2nd or 3rd interviews just to be told no. Happened 6 times this month and I am just like why am I even trying to improve.it is hard to motivate yourself when you believe you are garbage, that you do not deserve to be content with life. I have lost joy in doing almost everything I used to. I do not read as much as I used to/should, I do not find games fun anymore, stopped hitting the gym from the lack of passion, I do not go out much due to the lack of money. Even eating food has lost most of the joy it should normally bring a person. Nothing ever seems worth the effort and when I try again and again I do not get results. I know I should not just give up but at the same time when you are waking up everyday to suicidal thoughts and going to bed with them for years.. I just want everything to end already. Burden",Depression +13481,"These last few months I have just been constantly thinking about suicide, life just does not seem worth it anymore I am never happy i do not have any friends or family to talk too I have tried making friends and even dating but it never works out. I have been putting a shit ton of hours in at work because all i do on my days off is stare at the walls and do nothing. I just do not know. do not know what to do",Suicidal +13482,"In the last 24 hours I have taken 40 500mg paracetamol because I am just sick of myself and wanted to end everything. I feel fine at the minute, nothing has happened. What should I do? Do I just leave it. I weigh quite a lot so I do not expect anything to happen What will happen to me",Suicidal +13483,"I am going to bake a cake, straighten my hair, wear my blue dress, lock my door have my letters on the table and then I am going to call my boyfriend. talk to him tell him i love him and then I am going to leave.i do not know when but i do know its my only way out. recover is not for me. everything s so hard i just do not want to try again. how many second chances do i give life before i decide its too much?i cannot enjoy anything anymore. everything i do i do to make it harder. I am sorry i cannot do it anymore. you cannot save me anymore. i have ruined everything I am poison I am toxic. i know the last thing i do is hurting everyone but maybe its worth it. maybe hurting them all one last time would save them from years of hurt and worry. I am helping them. I am leaving soon maybe hurting them all one last time is worth it",Suicidal +13484,"I am killing myself tonight. Its really enough. I do not think i should be here anymore. Nothing's left. Nothing. I am sorry but I have tried anything i could to stay alive. And i really am left alone, in this dark room, in this empty house, in this desert. In this coldness. Wish i was just a little luckier. Just a little. Is it too much to ask for. In this blank world, in this retarded unkindness. It is hard to breath. But i think i have enough anger and hatred that would convince me to kms just to see those who annoyed me suffer. I imagine how others will feel after seeing their failiure. I think i understand how someone felt. Someone that killed themselve to just show others that they have failed. Yeah bye",Suicidal +13485,"The reason I want to talk about this is because I am a *completely* different person without depression than with depression. The way I think and how I see myself is totally modified. I know this, because I experience depression in episodes, which means that on some random day I wake up and just feel normal/neutral/happy = no depression. I get a lot of blame by others for not ""focusing on the positive"" or for being mentally weak during a depressive episode, while in truth, those symptoms are all things that are directly linked to depression and it is almost *impossible* to remove them, without removing the depression.The symptoms: GUILT. I would literally feel guilty for my whole existence and everything I do or am. I become the culprit, the scapegoat, the inherently wrong one... I would have this feeling all day long. Whenever I am NOT depressed, this feeling is completely absent. LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Oh yes, that is a big one and a very obvious one. I would also not feel entitled to do certain things, because I feel like I do not deserve it. I deserve to be treated badly by others and not allowed to speak up for myself etc. It is also almost entirely absent without depression. COMPLAINING AND OVERTHINKING. I often forget that this is also directly linked to my depression. I do not really have much of a reason to overthink about things in my life and then constantly complain about stuff, which I do 24/7 while depressed. I am not able to deal with and overcome the problems I have during those episodes, whereas during no-depression I have the tools, the emotional strength and the solutions to get out of difficult situations. I encourage you to add more symptoms you experience to this list. Can we talk about the less obvious symptoms of depression?",Depression +13486,"In the last 24 hours I have taken 40 500mg paracetamol because I am just sick of myself and wanted to end everything. I feel fine at the minute, nothing has happened. What should I do? Do I just leave it. paracetamol od",Suicidal +13487,where can i find a helium tank with 100% pure helium. Most of them are mixed with air or other gasses. Answers please!,Suicidal +13488,"Hello, I do not have any emotions, my psychiatrist told me I have an emotional blunting. He prescribed me brintellix 10 mg. it is been two weeks yesterday that I took the medecine. How long it takes to feel my emotions again ? Does brintelix takes time to work ? Thanks Emotional blunting",Depression +13489,My life is a living hell please just give me some methods that is the only thing that would help at this point Why do people want me to suffer instead of telling me how to kms,Suicidal +13490,29 year old male. I have suffered for years with depression and feeling empty. I have the world and do not need for anything but I still feel alone and empty. just know you are not alone and are worth so much to me even when it seems like no one else cares. I love you for you!!!!! Feeling emotionally drained,Depression +13491,"I am 24, my entire life up to this point has been fucked, filled with mental illness, rejection, autism, isolation, working my ass off to the max just to be completely let down? I first wanted to kill myself when I was 10, and my parents were so worried and reassured me I had incredible years in front of me:I am still waiting for that incredible year. Otherwise, boy would it have been nice mot to suffer thru these past 14 years. Its truly disgusting how not a single one has been good and my life is drifting away.I am at a point where I know it would be naive of me to try to act as if they are ever coming. Because they are fucking not. And they never will.The sole factor has been not wanting to hurt others. But honestly, I think Ill relieve as many people as Ill hurt. And regardless, who really cares? Anyone just know the rest of their life will be fucked?",Suicidal +13492,"I just cannot hold inside me, that I like a girl who I am everyday with her. I just want to tell ""I love you, I love oyu everything you have"". But I am so sure, I will Rejected and rejection is an old friend who I do not want anymore. So I do not know how to make her to come alone to me so as to to her, how?And in the other and I knw it will be creepy after that, that we will be 1 mother yet together. Help please",Suicidal +13493,"Please, just talk to me. I do not want you to lose your life today. Shit seems really hard to bear and I know it hurts. But please tell me what is wrong. I am here for you. Please.",Suicidal +13494,i will not listen to you tho if you give me advice&#x200B;&#x200B;(disclaimer: i am mocking myself for reaching out to my therapist for this but not wanting to listen to her advice because i am irredeemable and i just need to die to for it all to end. i do not mean to harm anyone i just want air this lil thing out) HELP ME! I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN! I WANT THIS CYCLE OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS TO END!,Suicidal +13495,"I do not believe in ""it gets better"" anymore, I have just gotten worse, my parents think I need more medication but I just want to be miserable all day and never get out of my house. School started yesterday and I cried twice in class, no one saw hopefully, I was really close to an anxiety attack. I wished I could help people with the same condition as me, I would do anything to help, I am so sorry that you have to go through shit as I do, and i know you feel like you deserve it but I assure you you do not. The voices in my head tell me to kill myself if i do not pass this year of school, but they will not let me study or do my homework, they just want me dead. 16 and 2 suicide attempt",Depression +13496,"it is such bullshit how the symptoms of my old depression, which I thought I had moved past, can just appear, for no reason, at the worst time. I have no energy, I do not want to talk with anyone, I do not want to eat or drink, I do not want anything at all. I used to be really depressed a few years ago. I am mostly better now, but sometimes I still feel the way that I used to. Today is one of those days",Depression +13497,"So, I have never been a very sexual person, but I still watched porn from time to time, even when majorly depressed. Now even that does not excite me anymore. People I had small crushes on do not do it for me anymore. Watching porn reminds me of the fact that sex is so readily available for so many people, but not for me. I am actually sad when I watch it now.I am a hopeless romantic, I am in love with the idea of being in love, but I have given up on even attempting to find it. I am ugly and depressed, who would want me? This is actually serious",Depression +13498,"I do not feel like I belong on this earth I was born with a micropenis, my dream is having a son but I am sure its not possible, I have not left my house in 7 months. I am hurting so much right now, all my friends are having kids. I do not want to live a second longer, please god take me away Suicidal",Depression +13499,"Any of you run into people who do not believe your trauma history, or do not believe you are suicidal? Keep running into people who think I am just trolling. Disbelief of victims",Suicidal +13500,"This is just a long rant. I am really at my wits end at this point, and no one can help me, including myself it seems. I have been trying so hard, yet I feel worse and worse about life. I hate it and most things in it. I try to like it, but I just do not. I do not want this life. I often wish that someone who thinks life is great would have been put here instead, or that Id die instead of these people who seem okay with life. I want out. Medication does not do shit, yes I tried it for a long time, therapy does not do shit and again, I tried it for years, getting out and doing things does not do shit, exercise does not do shit, I do not get those endorphins everyone talks about, I just get worn out. I do it anyway to be hEaLtHy but I am honestly tired of all of that too. Meditation is nice for a minute, but does nothing, and I am honestly sick of the mental gymnastics of all mindfulness things anyway. I do not like checking my thoughts all of the time.I am chronically ill and will just keep declining as I get older, I now have a chronic eye infection that is risking my vision. That alone makes me want to die. The doctors are condescending or think I am stupid or not trying, when I am doing the best that I can. Its getting to be too hard to do it all.I was laid off of a job that I liked and could do when covid first hit and have not been able to get on my feet after that. I had a different job, but I could not handle the boss who was a mean bitch to everyone, including her own husband, and left. Still have not found anything else even though everyone is hiring. Are they really? Because I go and apply and they still will not give me a chance even though I do not take drugs, I have no criminal history, I do not ask to be paid a ton, and although I have not had the opportunity to finish college (cannot fucking afford it without work, its a loophole) I had a high GPA. I cannot seem to pass these fucking computer tests that want to know your personality. I guess my qualities are shit in the working world. Repeatedly I have been told that I am too quiet. I talk when I see it necessary, I do not just say things to fill the space, even when I really try. I just am a failure. I do not like this mess of a world and how there is problems everywhere, sometimes self inflicted problems that I wish people would wake up to. I cannot stand it. People tell me too look at the bright side or be happy that I am not in a worse situation, but I do not like all of the bad in the world. That makes me sad.I feel like everything is so fake too, and I cannot stand fake. I do not like how relationships work either. Biologically I crave them, but they always leave me in so much pain. I feel like a lot of men do not want women anymore, they would rather jerk off at home to an e thot and play video games. They only want women for an emotional (or physical) punching bag. I do not think I am bad looking, and I keep my weight level. I try to be polite and have a listening ear, but it does not matter. We cannot compare to porn or digital pleasures. Meanwhile, I get unwanted attention from scary men 3x my age and I hardly feel safe.I do not have anything that I really enjoy like other people do. Everything leaves me disappointed, like, that is it? And if something is fun, it never lasts long. Fun seems far and in between. I just want to die. I have nothing to live for. I am useless in the working world, and very few people care about me. Most would not give a shit if I was gone. The older I get, the more disappointed, ill, and sad I will be. I am really hanging by a thread because I cannot trick myself into liking life. No therapist can give me an activity that makes me like life. I am not even sure I can change that. Every day seems to give me another reason why I do not want to live",Suicidal +13501,Just hang in there,Suicidal +13502,"Hi, I am mostly creating this thread as a way to vent, I do not want to speak to friends or family as I feel so ashamed. TLDR: Found explicit photos and vids of partners ex on family iPad, he says masturbating is different to having sex and he is sorry and will delete them, AIBU to forgive him? Today I went on the family iPad to find the presentation my partner created for his dads funeral a few years back. I wanted it because it has lots of photos of him as a child so wanted to create an album with our son for his birthday next month. So I go into the folder and there in 'recents' there are tons of naked photos of his ex from 2017. At first I just broke down as thought they had been sent recently but then when I looked at the info on the files it stated they were created in 2016 and 2017 so seems like they are just old explicit photos and explicit videos of her he has kept. I looked what folder they were in and they were saved to a folder that looks like an old work file folder - but all that is in the folder is explicit photos and videos of her. Looking at different ones I can see that they have been viewed throughout 2019 (when I was pregnant) and thoughout 2020/21 and up to as recently as the weekend. I confront him about it and at first he tried making out is is not a big deal. Eventually after explaining how I feel he has agreed it was wrong and has apologised but accused me of overreacting. For more info I had a traumatic birth and it has left me with nerve damage and a lot of scars all over my abdomen due to further surgeries. I suffered with PND but went to therapy and was put on meds and I am doing so well now. Started my own business and pay for sons childcare 2 days a week and looked after him the rest of the time. Despite this I ask for sex a couple time a week but he only says yes about one every 5/6 weeks. I asked Fri, Sat and Sun this weekend, he said no on all occasions but can see that fri and Sun evening he viewed these photos so clearly decided to have a wank over her than have sex with me. I have never had issues with him viewing porn. He says that he views these photos the same way as porn but I do not, he has slept with this woman many, many times before we got back together (they were together for just four months when we were on a break instigated by me not him) He has agreed to delete them and says he understand why I am upset and he will not ever do anything like it again. AIBU to forgive him? I feel so angry that he could disrespect me in this way but I love our family so much and he is an incredible father. We are not married. I either forgive him or give up on life",Suicidal +13503,I do not want to over share as to why I feel that way but I just feel like my life is comically mediocre and bad at this point. I feel like my life is a joke for so many reasons.,Depression +13504,"A common misconception about depression that I feel like does not get talked about much is that just because we can do something one day, does not mean we can the next.Just because I could shower yesterday, does not mean I can today.Just because I left the house last week, does not mean I can this week.Just because I talked to you earlier, does not mean I am in the mood now.Just because some days I am not thinking about death, does not mean the days when I do make life exhausting.Just because I had motivation, does not mean I still do.Depression is not this straight line, some days may be better than others. Motivation can come & go, do not let your lows or highs define what you are & are not capable of. Your best today will not always be the same as yesterday's best, that does not mean you are not 'trying your best.' One day you can, the next you cannot.",Depression +13505,"I know it is a weird question to ask on this subreddit, but I am curious. I have been feeling this on and off feeling of wanting to end things. Lately though I have gone from that to just not wanting to be here. Like if there was another world or dimension I could go to I would love to go there. I just hate everything with how our society is today. Between the virus, pandemic, defunding the police movement, inflation, masking, etc. I am just done with all of it. Anyone not suicidal but just do not want to be here?",Suicidal +13506,"Its what it feels like.I had a few therapy sessions around 2 months ago for the first time. When speaking to my therapist, he basically told me to start doing more hobbies, more often. I listened to him and started doing it. Whenever I told him I felt sad he told me to carry on and to do more of whatever feels good I am thinking about starting therapy again, but I do not even know if its worth it, going to a therapist to just tell me to distract my mind. I do not need to hear all of that again. Is life just trying to remove and distract yourself from reality? Is life just trying to distract yourself from reality ?",Depression +13507,"I am so sad and feel so bad and insecure and ""wrong"" and not good enough. I feel so alone and at times worthless. I let other people absolutely crush me even though I should not care what they think. I am at my best in a way but also feel terrible. I have a bad self image and feel below other people. I let a fool abuse me and now I feel more ahsamed idk how to get out of this hole",Depression +13508,"Hey guys, I am not the kind of person who like to complain about myself, about my confortable and healthy life.. But I cannot anymore. First sorry because I speak french.I lost so many gf because I am always paranoid, sad, do not trust in myself even if all my friends says I am a cute and kind (too much) boy.I am working in hospital, I love my work, help people who need us etc. But I always have bad thoughts. I know I have a car, a nice health condition, a house, a bed.. But I do not see the point, I will work all my life for some money with my sadness, I do not have plans, project or ambitions.I work all the time, smoking some weed the night for trying to be happy every time but worthless.The only problem is my family, If I were alone without them, I will already be gone from this world.. But I cannot imagine their sadness if I do something stupid.I do not know what to think or what to do, How can I get out of this situation Life is worthless ??",Suicidal +13509,i have a really bad tendency of apologising it just comes out i cannot even controlling it because mostly from my past experience with my ex i cannot handle it anymore today my closest friend was telling me about how they felt but i kept apologising because i felt of no use please how do i help myself please someone tell me how to love myself and be enough i messed up,Depression +13510,"Every morning I wake up and am crushed by the fact I am alone in the world. I then get high enough to tolerate existence, and search through a dozen or so sites/apps looking to see if I got any replies from the people I had messaged the day before. Almost always every inbox is empty and it is a waste of time.I then tell myself to get to work. But I do not, I lament my empty life of failures, browse dating websites, try to engage, interest and attract strangers because I have already failed endless times with the people I know. I tell myself to exercise, as though that is the key to someone finally wanting me. No one even talks to me, they never get to a point they see me with my shirt off, it does not matter if I get ripped. So I cannot keep the motivation to exercise because I know it is useless. I cannot get a first date, muscles do not matter if no one ever sees them.And exercise for my health? I want to die. I am just too cowardly to do it myself. Might as well do it the slow way. Might as well pick up a drug habit, I have the money and the lack of will to live.My energy is constantly low, it saps through the day and I just collapse into bed. Sleep for about 10 minutes before my physical and mental discomfort make me get back up. I do this about a half dozen times a day, sleeping for about ten minutes a stretch, sometimes sleeping a few hours. I do not really do full nights of sleep ever since my cat died.I have always been a terrible sleeper, but when she curled up on my chest and made me feel like I was not alone I could finally rest. But now I am alone, there is no rest. there is just constant turmoil.My mind stays in an endless fog. My thoughts have become increasingly incoherent, increasingly cynical, increasingly angry, increasingly malevolent. Without someone to love, I am becoming monstrous. All this love in my heart turns to rage, I burn bridges, attack anyone who bothers me even slightly, and of course become a burdensome ranting idiot that makes the few people who still tolerate me not want to tolerate me anymore. I should have killed myself the day my cat died. Only a creature reliant on me for food and comfort could possible love me to the extent I need to function. A human has never wanted to have that level of closeness with me, and likely never will.Six years since I had any family.Four years since someone has touched me sexually.A little over a year since my cat, my only reason to keep trying to exist in this shitty world died.I have been going on with no reason to live for over a year. I do not know that I can do it much longer and there is no sign of anything changing in my future. This is all just more melodramatic horseshit that no one's going to read. Just writing it for catharsis because I have no other way to release stress. I do not really get a cathartic feeling from these rants anymore though, it is more just a sampling of my daily mental deterioration. Yet another generic depressing rant.",Depression +13511,"I have tried for years to get better. I do not drink, I do not smoke, I eat healthily, I am a good friend,I try to be a good daughter and I work my ass off at work. I have taken my meds. I have meditated. I have studied philosophy to try to change my thought patterns. I have done therapy, treatments. I know I have done much more than the people around me to feel good about myself, but I am just broken, I cannot function. I cannot live mindlessly without wanting to blow my brains out. If the best I can do is not enough, why do I have to keep trying? I feel like I am just too broken to ever recover",Suicidal +13512,"For the last couple of weeks I have been having very distressing intrusive thoughts. A lot of these thoughts revolve around the fear of being attracted to children. A few weeks ago, me and my partner were watching a documentary about peodophile hunters and my brain started wondering about the physical side of it, what it is like to do something like that and how can they even do it? I was very uncomfortable with these thoughts and felt guilty and horrible. I told my partner and he told me it was nothing to worry about. I still felt guilty. Over the next couple of weeks I started having intrusive thoughts about it while going about my daily life. I have been doing an online course about safeguarding children in preparation for my future career, and during the course I kept having very distressing thoughts about how they ""deserve it"" or seeing images of the abuse happening in my head. It made my already existing OCD 100x worse and I struggled to complete the course. What topped it off today was...I had a nap because I do not sleep very well. I had this very long intrusive thought while sleeping (I do not want to call it a dream because that implies it was something enjoyable and it was far from it). I had this long intrusive thought about me and an older girl doing something with a younger girl in my bedroom at home. I have no idea what age the girl was, but she was young. We ended up getting caught and my life was over. I woke up unable to breathe, I felt sick, I felt guilty, I felt disgusted. I wanted to claw my brain out of my head. it is 3 hours later and I still feel that way. I cannot deal with thinking things like that. But I cannot reach out for help because if I do everyone is going to think I am a pedophile. My future will be destroyed. I am not a pedophile, I would never do anything to harm a child. I do not understand what is happening to me. I am already very mentally unwell, I have chronic anxiety, depression, I was physically, emotionally abused as a child and neglected, I have been sexually assaulted. I am dealing with a lot. Maybe it is all of that causing it. I do not know but I can live with all of that but I cannot live with this. I plan to kill myself at 6pm. I am going to get a taxi as close to the bridge in town as I can and throw myself off. I have thought about that for months as a good way to go and now I finally have a good enough reason to use it. disturbing, intrusive thoughts are ruining my life and I cannot live with them.",Suicidal +13513,and now the only person who i would talk to about this is gone.so now i result to skating....i purposely make myself fall on the pavement to feel some pain.and if its not that its laying on the roof looking for answers that do not exist. I have noticed myself falling back into depression,Depression +13514,"I will be alright. i was alright before. everyone i start to get close to leaves so i really should have seen it coming but i did not. i really thought this would be different. I have never even been close to that close with someone before. even though i suck at communication and i rarely talked about my struggles it made it soo much easier knowing that i was not alone. i would have given my life to save yours, without hesitation. i would have given my last penny without hesitation. i would have lost a limb without hesitation. i would have lost a sensory organ with no hesitation. i would have lost a regular organ with no hesitation. i would have given up my car. i would have given up my bike. i would have given up my place to live. I am so mad at myself. it was not even my depression, anxiety or adhd that finally drove you away, it was my fucking terrible communication skills. you were my best friend. now we do not even say hello. alone again",Depression +13515,"i am tired. i do not want to be here anymore. i am so tired of it. everything. school, family, friends, my bf. i do not care if they would be sad. i think its because deep down i know the world will just move on when i go, I am matter but i do not matter. haha funny science joke. lol. it does not get better, i am fucked, i will always have these thoughts. i am sad. idk if I am depressed but i am so, so sad.anyway feel bad for me because I am sad LOLim so selfish, but I am losing weight bc i do not really have interest in eating. which is nice because yea. i just want to go.",Suicidal +13516,I want to die. I do not feel like living anymore. there is no joy in it. I just want to die. that is it. I want to die,Suicidal +13517,"I do not know how much longer I can do this for. Things that tend to make me happy are just a temporary joy, and go away the second I stop. I just feel like I do everything wrong, no matter what, so why should I even try is a question I ask my self often, and when something bad happens I always feel like its my fault. The only abuse I get is from myself, and I do not know how much more of it I can take. I do not know how much longer I can do this",Depression +13518,"All I in all I have lost both my grandparents, my dog, most of my friends, my mental health, my highschool and bootcamp graduations, was stuck on base for 7 months, my 12000$ bonus was taken away and I was not told, and I have severe acne that has ruined my confidence. Now here I am about 3000+ miles away from my family and remaining friends and am getting shit on as a lower enlisted. Pretty epic! Covid really fucked be over",Depression +13519,I am so over everything. I just want everything to be over. Why did I have tonfukin wake up again,Suicidal +13520,"Fuck everything, fuck you, fuck my ''family'' of abusers, fuck them for sending me to hell, fuck them for abusing, neglecting and abandoning me over and over. it is all their fucking fault, I do not care what anyone says. The ruined me and my fucking life and I have spent every single moment of my existance in hell because of them and I cannot fucking take it anymore, I have reached the final edge now for real and it is fucking unreal but I am finally going to fucking die and get the hell out of here. And fuck society, fuck people, fuck everything in this fucking world. I am leaving, I cannot stand this anymore, it never stops hurting, the wounds never heal, the memories never stops, the pain is constant, the loneliness is forever, the struggle is severe, my brain and body cannot handle anymore. I am done.Nobody fucking cares and it is too late&#x200B;Fuck you all Fuck everything I am going to kill myself now",Suicidal +13521,"The older I get the more I keep panicking because I am supposed to be an adult soon. Everything about my life has been a living Hell since about 10 or 11 years old. School is absolutely awful. I am so disorganized. I cannot socialize. I cannot make friends. I cannot even do basic tasks like asking teachers for help when I need it. This is my last year of highschool. And then what? I am supposed to get a job? How do I even know anyone will hire me? How do I know I will be able to keep a job without getting burnt out a month in and then completely losing what little ability I had to function in the first place? I am in summer school right now and cannot even do that. I wish someone could understand me, but not even my own parents do research on what autism is. They still think I am some moody rebellious teenager despite having an official diagnosis. I am constantly yelled at even though this is the best I can do. I am in summer school right now and still struggling just as bad as I do in regular school. I still struggle to shower or keep my room clean. I cannot stay on a good schedule. I just keep getting overwhelmed. Everyone keeps telling me I am depressed but I do not even think that is the case. I do fine when I am not in school. I am so much happier. But I can hardly handle school and soon I am going to be an adult with adult responsibilities and apparently childhood is the best part of your life? it is all downhill from here? what is the point of living then? And that is neverminding that now I will probably just be a bigger burden to my parents than I already am. I will probably never be able to hold down a job for long enough and any form of college is practically out of the question if I am *this* bad at normal school. I do not want to be a burden. Sometimes I tell myself when I am 18 I will just (legally) run away where I cannot bother anyone anymore. My dream would be to spend like a month free of responsibilities to just actually enjoy life for once in my life and once that is all over and I am out of money to travel or for food I just find some easy way to kill myself.The rates of suicide and suicide attempts for people with autism is like anywhere from 3 to 10 times higher than the general population. With good reason, it seems. what is the point of living with autism if life just sucks so bad? Sorry I am not a super smart genius or a musical prodigy or going to be the next autistic person to find a cure for cancer. Not all of us are the way autistic people get portrayed in the movies. I do not see the point of living with autism. I am 16, almost 17.",Suicidal +13522,"My 3 years of high school is about to come to an end. This last year is all going to be insane studying, having almost no break / free time, teachers and people yelling and pressurizing all the time... for the purpose of taking a big exam to enter the desired university. I am screwed . How can i expect to study at a much higher effieciency and pace when i do not have the motivation and energy to do anything other than just lying at one place feeling completely awful. How can i not being yelled at without stressing out too much when the slightest form of criticism can makes me feel hurt, humiliated and question my own self-worth. I would probably fail the test. And the build up to that failure will be those ongoing stressful days that torments me every second. Sure i will struggle to put some effort in studying but it will make no difference. I think i will kill myself in process of cramming in the rush period when there is not much time left because by that time my guilt and fear for failing and being a burden to my parents as well as my hopelessness would be too intensive for me to live with. School starts about a month later, still online classes due to Covid-19. But i can feel like everything is start falling apart right now.( I am sorry if this post is all too personal and you cannot relate anything to , and please forgive my bad English, I am just a learner ) I do not think i can make it through this last year in high school",Suicidal +13523,"I turned 18 and wanted to get my driver's license, but unfortunately I did not get it today. I felt very sick even before the exam. Almost puked. I think that I am not smart enough for this world. I have made stupid decisions all my life, and I did not do very well on exams at school either. I was the last one to take the exam and everyone else was done. That shows how stupid I am. I think I cannot keep up in such a performance society. And in the moment when I felt the worst, nobody was there for me because I am always lonely anyway. I hate my life. God please deliver me from my suffering!My Soul is crying for Freedom! Driving license Exam failed",Depression +13524,You remember when the asshole dudes or girls in middle school would dare their friend to ask you out as a joke to embarrass you? That still happens to me at 18. And I graduated highschool. Happened to me again a few weeks ago. Each time it happens it just confirms again that I am unlovable and need to just die. Not only is it embarrassing but also destroys any self esteem I may have. I would rather just not be here. I am 18 and still get fake asked out,Suicidal +13525,"My future is just a whole mess. Already a failure. it is better to eliminate yourself before stepping into hell. Still, I am not so sure if I am going to live or not",Suicidal +13526,"I tried spending time with people but it just went back to the same annoying bullshit that everyone always talks about. School, job, relationship, none of which I have. it is rough having to constantly listen to people who have their lives together. I hate it and I am starting to hate them for it. Why cannot the universe do me asolid and just put me out of my misery. I am going to have to deal again tomorrow and the day aafter. I would not be surprised if I was dead before that night ends. Might do it while they are their to make a point that I will be dead less than 100 feet away yet nobody will notice. Maybe Maybe they would get it, but honestly why even bother not like I would actually get any catharsis out of it. How am I supposed to have friends if all i feel ever is jealous.",Suicidal +13527,"I (26M) am having a lot of difficulties finding happiness in life. My father was an artist and a violent alcoholic. I tried to learn art to impress him, thinking he would choose me over drinking. That did not happen, his drinking and abuse got worse, and I think I experienced fight-or-flight almost daily during my formative years. My parents separated when I was 11 and he died when I was 18.Nowadays I have no self-esteem whatsoever and I experience extreme anhedonia that is only alleviated when I am romantically desired by someone. I am always fine at first after a breakup, but when I am single and experiencing only rejections for a few months it starts to feel like I am lying to myself. I have been trying to make myself more desirable by working out, practicing yoga, writing music, etc. I also realized I was a massive doormat, being whatever I thought my partner wanted me to be and agreeing to everything. I think both the doormat behavior and the need to be attractive are symptoms of my abandonment issues and the need to protect myself by controlling others.I understand I need to let go of control, but I am not sure how. I think when I am condensed to a bio and a few photos on a dating app I should sell well (6'5, beard, hiker, yogi, musician, engineer, building a startup in my free time, funny, good listener, etc.) but when I try to be authentic I see no success. The only ways I ever feel anything that even approximates being wanted is by settling for women who do not like me for me. I am a huge metalhead, a fantasy nerd, and in touch with my emotions and almost every woman I meet treats those as negatives.I feel like I have two choices:* Enter a bad (often abusive) situation ***but*** suspend the anhedonia and become able to progress again.* Set healthy boundaries, realize that even the most basic boundaries eliminate every potential partner, and watch the life I built up crumble due to depression.I understand that to break out of this dilemma I need to be able to reject women who are not good to me, and for that I need to be happy when I am single. The problem is that I am doing all the things I love, quite literally running out of ideas on how to make myself happier, and it makes me feel nothing. The more I do the things I love the more I convince myself nothing will ever be enough. Do you have any advice on controlling the anhedonia so my single life feels worth living?PS: I have got a lot of problems with my inner voice being incredibly critical of me. Lately it has been feeding me all kinds of hypotheses to try and explain my failures. I figured that attractive people are desired by everyone so they are spoiled for choice and start putting the interested into three categories: those they would actually date, those they would use, and those they would not even bother using. For men that use looks like hiding their true intentions to have sex with women they do not view as their peers, and for women that use looks like getting free dinners and fancy gifts from men they do not view as their peers. I figured I am only good enough to be used by the users, and the genuine women out there who do not use people simply do not find me dateable at all. I thought the way to fix this was to get hotter but now I am really anxious about what I will do when I have a six pack and nothing changed. I was wondering if you could explain why I am wrong so I can get that inner voice to shut up? I do not want to fall into misogyny, but I feel like I cannot come up with any counterarguments to convince myself otherwise. How do I overcome anhedonia without a romantic relationship?",Depression +13528,"Spent my last day of school crying. Took too many paracetamols in the bathrooms and just felt sick and sleepy the whole day. Everyone seems so happy to have these 6 weeks off but all I can think about is the expanse of time I am going to have to spend alone in my room just overthinking and caving in on myself. I miss them so, so much. They do not care. I cannot do this alone and this time nobody is coming to save me, nobody has my back, nobody is going to reach out and pull me back to my feet. I am completely and utterly alone. How am I supposed to survive 6 weeks alone in my bedroom? it is ironic really -- I avoided school all through year 7, 8 and 9 but now it is become my crutch. I know if I just held on I could beat this, but I am so tired of holding on. Staring a whole 6 weeks down feels so hopeless and so draining. I cannot do it. Maybe I am just better off dead. Either way, I am spending this afternoon with my friends for one last time, then I will probably sit down and this evening and draft a note. Maybe I will write some letters to the people I care about so they have something to read when I am gone if they do not hate me for what I have done. I am only 15, but genetics have me marked for an early death anyway so really I would only be speeding up the inevitable. I do not know, maybe my mind will have changed between now and writing that note, but either way it feels good to get it all out. I hope anybody reading this has a nice day. I have had it. I do not think I will survive this.",Suicidal +13529,"everything just feels so futile. i do not even really know what else to say. everything feels like nothing matters, and i feel like there is nothing i can do to change it. maybe if i was, i guess, fundamentally a different person i could try and say that it is good that everything feels like nothing - that feeling like nothing matters is empowering actually, because that means i can do whatever i want and not feel self conscious. I am not a fundamentally different person, though, and that is the issue, you know?you know that part in *it is Such a Beautiful Day*, where the narrator says, ""Bill awoke to beautiful sunlight streaming through his window. He tried to climb through it, but did not have the strength to stand,"" and then the part later where the narrator says, ""he is been having trouble sleeping again, and realizes he is lying in the dark with his eyes open.""i feel like I am constantly watching the sun through my window, but i do not even have the will to try and climb to it. i feel like always just laying in bed with the lights off and my eyes open, waiting for sleep that will not come, so why should i hope i fall asleep? resistance is futile. i could just let myself starve in my bed. i wish i could die without feeling guilty. i know my parents and brothers would be too sad if i died, so i cannot. not right now, at least. like Nabokov said about : ""At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom. or, like Mainlnder said, ""Life is hell, and the sweet still night of absolute death is the annihilation of hell."" it is like there is no point in having hope anymore",Suicidal +13530,"everyday feels like a meaningless void and I am just in it. nothing has real meaning anymore, i no longer want to keep on going. my emotions are getting too unbearable for me to handle on my own. i just feel worthless. and I have tried stuff like working out, or taking walks, or something like that, but nothing is distracting me. i do not even want to leave my room anymore. i just want to die. all of this would not have happened if i just killed myself",Suicidal +13531,this paychopath is trying to get me to kill myself psychopath,Suicidal +13532,"feeling very suicidal and dark lately, have no resources and no one to talk to. this is one of my alts and I do not want someone I know to read it, I will probably delete this very soon. I just need someone to talk to so badly. I do not know if this is the right place but I would love to private message someone that is willing to listen so so much. Not sure what to do.",Suicidal +13533,I should have died 14 years ago in a car accident instead of my older sister (4yo) meanwhile I was only year and half old. 0I should have died one year ago when I jokingly (or not) pointed a gun at my headI should have died one and half month ago when I overdosed on my medsI should have died 2 weeks ago when I told my friends one of my biggest secret and overdosed an hour later.Will I really be able to kill myself successfully and just find peace?Will I hope so... I should have died,Suicidal +13534,"I am not depressed but i feel sometimes null in life because when i see life of any one who is poor and labour i feel guilty and thinks how many people are there are poor and works do labor and have not good food to eat , i see when animals that go in slaughter house and i feel what is value of life , nothing for them? Nothing , i realize that so many people die and died in past we are just very little tiny part of time gap , why we live if there is death and after that nothing , why just do not die at this moment nothing going to change , I even do not take try to hustle for waking up in morning and again go to sleep , I mostly sleep when there is no work or lectures , i am not sucidal but if someone puts gun on my head i will just be happy and smile at that moment Not sucidal but definitely something feel like nihilism",Suicidal +13535,"Everyone left when i got too close to them, i ruined my friendship and my friend does not want to talk with me. Everything goes downhill. what is the point on living Everyone hates me and I am tired",Suicidal +13536,My best and only friend does not even talk to me or care about me anymore. I asked her if she even loves or cares about me and she did not even replied. Then I asked her if she was mad or sad over me and she said no so what is the problem I am trying my best I feel like I cannot breath I feel like my heart was stabbed and then stepped on I feel like I cannot do without her. She helped me through so much thing. I cannot even breathe,Depression +13537,"I have had depression since 8th grade, just finished high school, did not graduate cuz i gave up a long time ago. I had 2 attempts in july and September of last year, stayed at mental hospitals both times, and stayed at a longer 6-8 week residential facility back in feb-march where i kind of attempted there too. I genuinely do not think there is any hope for me. I have tried 4 or 5 different meds and they either never work or stop working after a month at the most. I do not know what i want out of therapy. I am in so much emotional and physical pain from the stress and anxiety. I am so suicidal and the worst part is we do not have insurance. Even if we did i do not think my parents would take me serious despite my history. Not to mention I am a trans male so that adds so much extra stress, my parents never research about any of my conditions or me being trans yet complain that i do not talk to them even though i try but they never listen or it just turns into an argument. I hate group therapy so that does not help. I feel so empty and angry at the same time. Why does life have to be this way? It feels so fucking unfair. My life feels so pointless. I do not feel like anyone loves me. I cannot remember the last time i felt genuinely happy for more than 5 minutes. I do not know what to do. I have never felt so low. This is how i felt before the attempts but my dad always reminds me that we do not have insurance or money and all that does is make me want to make sure it would not be an 'attempt' I lost hope a long time ago, but this is a new low",Depression +13538,"If an individual has had bad experiences with Lexapro and Zoloft, is it expected that he would have a bad experience with Effexor since it is an SNRI?Are the risks of MAOIs overblown similar to how the risk of combining a single beer and 5 mg of Valium is overblown? Social Anxiety Medications",Depression +13539,"what is the point of living, parents are not alive anymore I am useless and hate myself have no money, cannot find a job, 5K in debt, starting college soon but might drop out going to kill myself",Depression +13540,The title says most of it. Fuuck. All the self improvement in the world id still be 3/10 at best. I am tired of it. Sucks being ugly. On top of it depression which kills me ugh I know I am fucked when I go to the amiugly sub and everyone is way more attractive than me there,Depression +13541,"Crazy how if I killed myself today everyone would pass it off as if it was so unlikely to happen. Like omg really? No way? Like I have not dropped hints and essentially told everyone around me I want to die, if I ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH WITH IT they would all act surprised. No one would know",Depression +13542,I have been depressed for a long time and slowly me and my dog have been going on less hikes and road trips and I just feel like I am letting her down as an owner & parent.. I feel like the life I am giving her is not the best she could have and I feel so selfish that she is not getting that because I am not in the right spot in my head/life.. I just feel so clueless on what to do I feel like my Depression is affecting my dog,Depression +13543,Sorry for my spelling and grammar and if this is the wrong redditI hate who I am or whatever I am though I am not even sure I know who I amNo skill no talents hit real hard with the ugly stickI keep away from family as to not ruin whatever they are doing even on my birthday I keep to my room so they and have fun and enjoy themselvesAlmost 30 and my mental state keeps me from getting a job so I get put on disability Year younger brother is far more successful and better off then I am so why bother keep going? My pills are right here ready to take me awayThey might be better off without me holding them back friends no longer have to worry about walking on eggs shells and family well they already ignore me as is so nothing really changes thereIf me being gone means they can have better lives I do not see why notAll I want if my family to be happy and I truely feel not having me in the picture will helpIf you read this thank you for taking the time I just felt like saying something or anything to the void Just need to say something,Suicidal +13544,"fuck, dude. i took two aps this year, psych and world. i want to go to college for either forensic psych or emergency medicine, so ap psych was a huge desire for me. i got a 2 on both of them. i tried so hard too. i went back in person when my state allowed it, twice a week starting in may, studied, made myself sit down and get shit done, and i still failed. i have a lot going on i guess, which has preoccupied my mind, but i really expected more from myself. I am a straight a student, varsity co captain, club president and a part time vet assistant. i really fucking am disappointed in myself. my depression has been on a low recently because of my fathers illnesses and my relatives trying to literally sell our house without our permission or anything. this is going to make it so so so much worse. I am on prozac too, but i cannot go back to the doctors and ask for an increase or a switch of antidepressants because the copay would add up and we cannot really afford all the visits right now. prozac is doing literal jack shit. i have never felt this low about myself. I am not going to act on anything but i really am having some horrible thoughts. i genuinely do not know how ill ever get out of my own head.anyways, thanks for listening to me rant. have a good night failed my ap exams",Depression +13545,Bruh I literally just got paid yesterday and rent sucked 3/4 of it away instantly then groceries cost me like another 2/4 of what I had left And my phone bill took 1/3 of what I had left after that and now I am trench deep with like 80$ left for 2 weeks I am definitely about to have a depressing 2 weeks Broke in a day,Depression +13546,"Apologies for the somewhat misleading title. I am not exactly sure if it can be changed.As a student, this is my life:Go to classes - gets anxious because as soon as something becomes hard, I tend to ruminate about it and lose focus. Everything is an effort - do I do any work? Hell no. I am very lazy. I just cannot bring myself to do anything.My room is a mess. Cannot stay organized for the life of me. My desk was full of papers but they were only chucked on the floor so I could put my computer there to do remote learning. After I leave a class, I am meant to do work assigned by the teachers. Do I do that? No. Every test I have studied for has been the night before. Somehow I am getting decent grades. But I feel like I am not living up to my potential and I am more stressed and anxious in the process.The thought that everything is too hard and having unrealistic expectations is killing me. I am just unable to do things for some reason. I have no idea if this is an executive function issue, my anxiousness about perfectionism holding me back or because of my flat mood. The doctor was suspicious when I mentioned ADHD and said I sound more like an anxiety and depression case. The indicators of ADHD I do have are: executive dysfunction - trouble with executing tasks, cannot sit through tasks like lectures that require sustained attention (unless it is the night before something is due), often has uncompleted tasks, often makes careless errors. But I am unsure if anxiousness about performance is causing these things to occur. The thing is, I have felt like this since early in life. I hardly remember the bulk of my childhood but I remember even doing homework in the class right before I have to hand it in. Homework that did not matter. On that note, maybe I keep doing this because consequences do not really seem to affect me? there is also emotional dysregulation. Up until my teens, I had a very low frustration tolerance (and still do now although I have learnt to express it in different ways) which would result in yelling at my parents and having breakdowns. A few were to do with school because I could not handle the pressure. I also have a foggy brain. Probably because of sleep deprivation that happens sometimes due to staying up too late.Lately I have been feeling really flat because I have developed low self-esteem and the thoughts, ""I hate my life"" or ""Why do I exist?"" have been popping into my head, and they are enough to make me cry. Every single day. On top of the possibility of having ADHD, life is scary. Every little setback makes me cry. I cry more than the average person. Rejection hits me incredibly hard - a friendship breakup and bullying at the beginning of my teens turned me into a nonfunctional human being and I never understood how people can get over that shit so easily. It took me at least a year to fully get over it and forgive the other people for their shit in my head. I mean, I did have no support during that time so I guess it is understandable. I am weak and not very resilient anymore. it is like I am a shrivelled plant and I want to give up. I feel like I do not have ADHD and I am just lazy and depressed, and I am trying to give myself an excuse for not trying hard enough. Maybe it is mild or sub threshold, but still there. Who knows. I cannot cope anymore. I have no coping skills whatsoever except numbing the pain with music only to find it resurfaces later. It is not problem focused coping. I also have no hobbies. I cannot stick to anything. Maybe because I do not achieve mastery or a good standard in a short amount of time?I feel like the last time I really lived my life was when I was a child, happy and using my imagination. Since ""teenagehood"", my life has been a downhill spiral, and although I have got a wonderful and supportive bunch of friends and family, and I have so many opportunities, I have still turned out like this. tl;dr: feeling incredibly low and hopeless, anxious about school, possibly dealing with ADHD symptoms and it has been on my mind for a while, which is causing me to feel worse. Executive dysfunction, anxiety, and depression",Depression +13547,"Hi everyone first post on here so please bear with me,I am a single mother of a 3 year old I am 23 with multiple mental illnesses living in a high rise flat (13 floors) I am on floor four of this flat Its vile i hate it here the lifts are nearly always dirty, filthy normally food, beer, weed and some times human urine all over the floor and if not they are not working now.Once i left a little box in the chute room (bin room) due to me been really poorly and the room already being full of rubbish bags, boxes ect i could not get to the actual chute i could not reach it I am short 5ft to be exact so i placed it on top of the bags and i was fine nearly 50 ($68.06) for a little box i explained the situation to the council and they did not care however i still paid it as i cannot afford to loose my propertyThis morning i had a letter from a tax place staying it had not been paid i was under the impression it came out my bank with my rent and service charges (the lift and cleaners in the block) however it has not been so now its 96.02 ($130.70) which i obviously do not mind paying as soon as i get payed FridayNow I have had an email from the council saying that i had not properly disposed of a rubbish bag! Which i put into the the chute and did not go down now they are fining me again I am so angry with this place and the council and everything else at the min its really getting me down I am now terrified of taking my rubbish to the bins incase i breath wrong and they fine me again i feel like screaming, not just all that but i also have ptsd and the time my trauma happened the date is coming back up very soon and its all really getting to me Sorry for the long post but i needed to get it off my chest Feels like i gave no one else to vent to please no bashing/trolling/judgement",Depression +13548,I am going to go apeshit on the next person I see that thinks they can treat me however the fuck they want. I fucking dare someone to try some shit. 1st prize is a knife to the face. going to Snap,Depression +13549,"My grandma died and now I just cannot keep going. I cannot do this anymore. I use to say as a kid that Id kill myself when she dies, that is how close we were and now she is gone. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +13550,i already cut myself which i know i should have come here to avoid but this time i did not want to be talked out of it I am sorry can we still talk?,Suicidal +13551,"To those who have attempted before, when you were dying, what did it feel like? Was it peaceful? Or was it painful? Did you regret it and realized you wanted to live in your last moments? Or did you have no regrets and not fight it? To those who have attempted, was it peaceful?",Suicidal +13552,"What kind of brain damage does carbon monoxide because and does anyone have personal experience? I am thinking of killing myself with carbon monoxide but I do not want to end up a vegetable if something goes wrong.I am not going to reply to comments saying I should not do it, I have explained my situation on here before and I still think the same. does anyonr have firsthand experience?",Suicidal +13553,"PLEASE HELP ME I am SCREAMING FOR HELP I cannot BEAR IT I have false memories of having sex with unknown girls despite the fact that I have never had a girlfriend and I am a virgin and I refuse to date and refuse to have sex. I want to stay virgin, single and pure for life and my OCD ruined that. What should I do?",Depression +13554,"and the lack of motivation. just cannot function like how i used to. If I could do 100 tasks, now I literally can only do 1-3. so I went from 100% to 1-3%. worse thing about depression is the energy level",Depression +13555,First thoughts when I wake up are suicidal. Atleast 50 times a day it crosses my mind. I went far enough to eating 20 xannax and trying to load a shotgun years ago but put wrong size she will in it. (Was fucked up also in public) still detailing with that in court. Been stressed bout it. Learned not to act on it anymore. Tired of feeling like this but I also same time do not want to die. Sober I will not act anything just worried when I get fucked up randomly get an impulse something could happen. I do not clean I do not go to work I live like an animal and just do not care. I am not me anymore. Severe depression and constant suicidal thoughts,Suicidal +13556,"Been dealing with depression for a few years and although I have gotten better when comparing myself now and me from a couple years ago, I still feel hopeless about myself.Had a long term relationship that ended two years ago and I still suffer about it daily. I feel like I will end alone.Got no clue about what path to take professionally and even though I am working, it is outside my field and I am absolutely exhausted with the second university course I am doing currently.I just feel like whatever I do and no matter how hard I try, it is never enough. Not enough to get over my ex, not enough to find someone nice and actually trust people again, not enough to find myself professionally and not enough to get myself better, away from the pit of dispair that I was back then.I know I am a bit better, but I am exhausted and frustrated. do not know how to feel at peace anymore and it does not feel like it will charge any time soon. I know a new relationship is not the answer for my problems, but damn, I miss not feeling alone, I miss taking care of someone and feeling cared for.I am just rambling at this point but those are the feelings I have every day, and no matter how hard I try to see things differently and to reinvent myself, it never seems like it is enough. Feeling hopeless and could use some advice",Depression +13557,"Please tell me I cannot bear it NEED HELP SO I do not KILL MYSELF. I have false memories of having sex with unknown girls despite the fact that I have never had a girlfriend and I am a virgin and I refuse to date and refuse to have sex. I want to stay virgin, single and pure for life and my OCD ruined that. What should I do?",Suicidal +13558,"guys i hope you read this, i have anything i need financially but i feel so empty inside, I am 21 years old guy , i lost the Emotional *attachment* to anybody even my parents i do not care if they live or die, just so you can get the point how numb emotionally i became.&#x200B;i do not care about anything, ifeel empty inside, i feel pain of emptiness in my heart every second of the day, i do not know what to do with life, in my opinion i see life as ''meaningless'' honestly.&#x200B;money just adds up my pain, as i was thinking it is the sauce for me to become happy... i feel empty inside",Depression +13559,"Is this what life is about you go do what you have to do for the day, and you come home and escape into another world that will never be reality. If the only pleasure I get from life is escapism what is the point in continuing this cycle that will only get worse as i get older. I want to escape from this world.",Depression +13560,"If anyone could share a medication, holistic, or anything that gave them the feeling of being excited to live life like when you were a kid Id be greatly appreciative. Like having the motivation and spark to want to play a video game you like or excited about things they are no longer excited for, but at the same time want to be excited for. Idk its hard to explain what I am trying to say. Much love! What have you back the spark of life?",Depression +13561,MY DAD CAUGHT MY MUM CHEATING AND TEURE FIGHTING I am CRYIGN AND SSKING EHAT YHE FUCK SO I DO OMG HELO MEE FUCKKG. HELP,Suicidal +13562,"In my early 20s I was sexually assaulted by a friend. I had already been struggling with depression and that whole thing pushed me over the edge. After leaving the hospital, I started to make plans to move out of state. I moved very far away and stayed far away for years. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to move back. I know logically, I probably will not ever see him again, but I am terrified of running into him. I am having a hard time leaving the house and going out in public for fear that I may run into him. I also fear that I will run into a mutual friend. Idk I just kind of fear that I will run into anyone from my past during that time of my life. I basically had to cut all communication off from everyone I knew when the situation happened in the first place.So I have locked myself up in my house. I keep telling my husband that it is a mistake that we moved here but he is telling me that I am behaving irrationally and that I need to to deal with it. I do not know how. Therapy does not really work for me because no matter who I have talked to. I know I am being judged and scrutinized. Therapists are not some all knowing beings, they are just normal people with a masters who typically have the same problems. So I do not really see how they are beneficial. I have yet to find an antidepressant that does not have horrible side effects. Idk. I just do not want to be here anymore. Moved back to the place where I was assaulted",Depression +13563,Pretty much nothing can truly upset you Waking up everyday without any will to live has an advantage,Suicidal +13564,"I have seen a lot of people but these fucking people are by far the worst.They made me feel like utter shit.I was having a panic attack and they just kept asking questions and making it worse.The only reason I went into that session was to talk about the medication I am on. I TOLD THEM THAT 6 FUCKING TIMES.They did not listen! I told them to stop. I told them that they were ignoring me and how I feel. The dude even had the nerve to ask if the reason I act/feel like this is for my mothers attention. What the fuck.I cried a lot and wanted to be comforted by my mum when I got home but she did not do shit. She left me alone. I am the one comforting her for whatever reason. Must be so fucking hard for you, huh? Yeah well its hard on me too. And that was not about you. You should have been there for me but you were not.Even now you told me a should have spoken more. I stopped talking because they were not fucking listening.I want to kill myself. My worst fears are coming true. I am being ignored. No one listens. I am all alone. Therapy is shit for me.",Depression +13565,I have had depression for almost eighteen years now and I thought I had mostly gotten a grip on the suicidal and self harming aspects of it. But lately a lot of those kind of thoughts have come back. I know its the stress I am dealing with that is exacerbating my poor mental health. All I want to do is sleep but I struggle falling asleep because anxiety and stress keeps me up. I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears. I keep thinking about how I really should start seeing a professional but I am worried about affording it. I am just dealing with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and I feel myself pushing away the people I care about most. I am the worst I have been in a long time,Depression +13566,"I am suffering from depression for almost 6 years now.it is always been an on and off thing, but since the pandemic started I have ""given up"". I stopped working out, I gained a lot of weight (20kg), I stopped working on my driver's license.I got recently into Therapy. Got some mild antidepressants for the night so I sleep better. I tried many attempts at ""restarting"" my life, but in the end a single depressive episode puts my right back where I was.I manage to workout for a week and then I stop for a month or two. I manage to eat less and healthier for a couple of days, but then a couple of long work days I am back eating Pizza at 7pm.I tried setting myself alarms, short term goals, long term goals. it is all not working. I do not have any willpower pushing through with what I should do. How to I get my Willpower back?",Depression +13567,"The only reason i do not kill myself is my family and my boyfriend. I do not see any reasons to live, i do not like this world, i do not like this society i find it depresing. I do not see the point of going to school 15 years to learn nothing that i am pasionate about just so i can have a job that i hate and get married just because i need to setle not because i love that person, make 2 kids because this is how it s suposed to be and probably ending up divorcing around the age of 40 because my husband cheated. This is how i see life and i hate it. I do not care about anything anymore, i do not care about my friends anymore nothing makes me happy. I cannot tell anyone how i feel because i do not trust my friends enough to open up about this, my boyfriend is depresed to and i am trying so hard to be his suport to make him happy but i think i am losing myself tring to save him. I made him my main reason to live. If he talks a litlle different to me i have panic atacks because i am afraid i would lose him. If i lose him i lose my will to live. I do not want him to be my reason to want to live i want to live for myself but i do not know how. I want to have a pasaion a purpoae please help me I wana die",Suicidal +13568,"I am tired of being yelled at, screamed at, abused by strangers. I do not have access to a gun, but I often fantasize about what it would be like to pull one on the next motherfucker that thinks they can treat me however they want. To see the fear in their eyes. To hear their pleas for forgiveness. I am not taking any more shit today or any other day. It Would Feel so Good to Snap",Depression +13569,"Hey how about stop asking yourself 'why am I here' or what is the purpose, stop asking all of those bs questions because there is no answer, there is no meaning or purpose in life and I think that is the best outcome. there is nothing sad in it, yeah maybe it is a hard to swallow pill but that is not a reason to end yourself it is just an experience, whether it is good or bad it does not matter. but if you choose not to experience life, nothing wrong in that. Nothing matters",Suicidal +13570,"...stop wanting to fulfill even basic needs: wash, eat, groom yourself, get out of bed...I used to be so full of life and interested in a variety of topics. Now I am just sitting getting older day by day. I feel so helpless, I need to change so much that I do not know where to start. I do not know what I am doing here. I am a loser, everyone around me has it together. I keep trying and failing. Sadness and emptiness switch around on the daily, but happiness is noticeably absent. I am literally tired of living. What do you do if you stop wanting...",Depression +13571,"been hit by depression for 7 months nowi was at first on antidepressants at 10MG, i was still in a very bad state so i got to 15MG after 3 monthsthen i started getting better and we decided with my psychiatrist to go back to 10MG, in the idea of starting to slowly stop my treatmentnow i feel bad again, even have panic attacks (did not have for 1 year)I am just thinking of ending it. now. I am never getting out of this sh't does it even stop ?",Depression +13572,What should I tell her?? Please help me HELP. So my friend is having suicidal thoughts. I literally do not know what to say because I am bad at giving advice,Suicidal +13573,"I do not know what to do. This place I live in is a shithole. it is noisy. it is too warm. Dumbasses I live with will not do any of the following:\- Install AC\- Clean up their own mess\- will not repair the freezer draws, which all have that crappy flimsy broken front with a handle\- do not get another fridge freezer (which we really need for a house of five. Or just a big fridge and a big freezer). \- People will not get out of my way despite knowing I have social anxiety and I do not want to be seen by anyone.\- Live with an arrogant sexist asshole who is responsible for not cleaning up their own mess, 95% of the time. \- Because most people are upstairs, the bathroom is quite frequently in use. Sometimes people take longer than they should. 5 minutes at most for a dump. 10-15 minutes for a bath or shower. Those are the most time they should take. But they take twice as long. Nothing to do with age. it is just incompetence or not knowing when to give up (Like I do when I lay logs and cannot) &#x200B;I was cutting veg earlier, to have for lunch. I strongly considered ending it there and then. it is so despair enducing being around these people and in this shitty house. I just want a small, bungalo house to myself, and probably someone else, has to be a vegan animal rights activist, and a friend with benefits at the same time, and honest. Otherwise I would not be able to tolerate them. On top of that though, I have many issues. Cutiephilia, anxiety, autism, learning difficulties, PTSD, overweight, sensory issues, inability to read, overthinking, invasive thoughts, masturbation addiction, caffeine sensitivity. there is probably a whole lot more. A lot of this has made me question the illusion of hope. So far, I am coming to embrace despair instead. there is no hope for an asshole like me. I try to do good, I try to help others. But that must always be outweighed by an equal bad. Why not feed two birds with one scone and end my life? Coming dangerously close to ending it because of stress",Suicidal +13574,"I am so fucked up from a breakup, I just cannot seem to move on. I just made a noose, and thinking about going for it. This is my last resort. Need help!",Suicidal +13575,"I have been here long enough and I am ready to leave now, I am not young so my dearh will not be a tragedy. I have had enough of my pathetic existence. I am thinking of going through with it next week, I wonder how long it takes to actually die from hanging... When do I get to die?",Suicidal +13576,"Lost my friend who was keeping me hanging because she thinks I am ""toxic"" now I do not know how to feel /g /neg Feeling like shit",Suicidal +13577,"I am very sick and tired, both mentally and physically. I have been struggling with a lot of physical health issues for my whole life, and I have been struggling with mental health issues for the past 6-7 years, I am so tired of having to deal with both problems, as my physical health makes my mental health worse and the stress from my mental health is likely just making my conditions worse, its a never ending cycle and I rarely feel good, ever. I have been struggling with severe asthma for my whole life, which is fine on its own, but its at the point where I have a hard time doing much exercise, and I can no longer cope with weather changes, so every time it rains a lot of it becomes a bit more dry than normal I find myself heaving for air and coughing up blood. I am writing this right after contemplating taking my own life and coughing up more blood into my sink. My asthma is not all, I have a lot of trouble eating food, I randomly get very sick after eating and I cannot seem to link it to any specific type of food, so almost every day after eating a meal I am in pain for hours. I have a hard time sleeping, I have barely gotten any sleep the last few months, and when I do sleep I sleep almost the whole day, and I cannot get out of bed to do anything, its very frustrating. As for my mental health, I have not been able to seek any professional health for a lot of reasons, so whatever I say about my mental health is not diagnosed, but all I know is that I NEED to see a professional soon, I cannot handle my own thoughts anymore and it sucks. I have been struggling with really severe depression since I was about 11-ish, and the earliest suicide attempt I can remember was over the summer after I had completed 6th grade, I had not been eating for a few days and I was just extremely sad. I have had a few attempts before, usually I am too tired or scared to fully go through with it, which sometimes when I am having a good day I feel grateful for not going through with, but usually I just remember my past attempts and feel an overwhelming urge to try again. I also have really extreme anxiety, and it is exhausting. My anxiety is just crippling me and it kind of rules my life to a large degree, as I do not ever get close to many people, and I am too scared to just act how I want to act around peers and even friends. Speaking of, I do not ever speak to any of my friends outside of when I am physically around them, and I never see them on my own time simply because I have no energy to see anyone and I do not live near most of my friends, which is sad since I only have like a handful of people I would call friends, and I am not close to them by any means beyond friendly engagements. My experience with schooling also makes me extremely depressed constantly. When I was in middle school a few years back I was constantly bullied for a lot of things: my poor social skills, being nerdy and kind of awkward, being annoying, and acting ""like a fag"" (this particularly hurts now because I am gay). I would get my books thrown at me, people punched me and once there was a boy about twice my size who made remarks that he was going to rape and beat me up in the school bathroom, and then followed me around the school with his friends. I tried to do sports, I played football (my dad wanted me to try it out, I never liked sports at all anyways) and this made my have a mental breakdown every day we had a game, and when it was not game day, people would bully me in the locker room. The boy that threatened to hurt me in the school bathroom got paired with me to practice tackle drills, and instead of doing it how we were instructed, he would pick me up and slam me into the ground repeatedly, which was not how our coach told us to do it, and it hurt my back and made me shake and cry after practice. In high school, I joined the swim team, as I loved swimming and I was actually very good at it, and on top of that it was the only sport I was able to do without worsening my asthma, which was great. But the massive pressure I had on me to do well in an extremely competitive swim team made me constantly anxious, and I cannot even enjoy going to the pool anymore. I got picked on by my swim mates as well, because I was not very well socially adjusted, and I would get insulted in the locker room for being a little weird. Our soon to become team captain was kind to me and told me not to listen to them after school, but that really did not help much. My family is not really much better: my dad is never home so I do not even know him as much as I wish I could. My biological dad is somewhere in Europe, and he stopped even trying to talk to me anymore when I was 10 years old. My adopted dad is alright, but he is kind of cold and does not really show affection in a way that I understand, although I know he cares for me. My mom had a bad childhood, so she has a lot of problems that I have to step around constantly. I ask them to take me to a professional of some sort, and up until a few months ago they would just play down my mental issues and coupled with my really bad anxiety I was too anxious to actually say anything. I started telling them I had very frequent suicidal thoughts, and this I think really scared both my mom and dad and so they kind of lashed out, I do not think they know what to do. My dad told me that killing myself would be a selfish thing and I just told him to fuck off if that is what he wants to tell me, and my mom told me she would get me help but always is too busy/forgets to schedule me an appointment. I feel like I am trapped in a box and I am invisible to my own family most of the time. A few years ago I started having obtrusive thoughts that ranged from random urges to harm myself, many of which I acted on, to thoughts that my family secretly hates me. This past year was awful for me. I am an at risk group for Covid and the whole pandemic thing just took a massive toll on my already declining mental health. Being in my house was not bad for me thankfully, I am kind of used to being alone, but the frankly idiotic and terrible response to it by my local and national government made me a lot more nihilistic than I already was. I had a heavy school workload, I have always been considered ""gifted"" so most of my classes are pretty intensive and doing them online was terrible. I sacrificed my sleep for A's and B's and my dad still was not satisfied, which made our relationship even worse as I was so tired I just told him to shut up. My parents argue a lot as well, sometimes my dad yells at me for no reason and my mom yells at my dad, and it is almost constant. I have also lost faith in my parents being competent role caretakers in any way. They argue like children, and its almost always over me as well. I already lost one dad and I do not want to lose another, I wish I could fucking die in an accident so my family could stop having to argue, or pay for my medical treatment. I have little to no energy to do anything that could take my mind off of my problems either, I just lay in bed all day and zone out while watching YT videos that I do not really want to watch anyways. I am also worried my teachers think I am ""special"" or something, I cannot really engage in social situations that well and I think I might have autism, as some of my relatives have it and it would kind of explain my lack of social function. But my parents will not take me to see anyone anyways, so why should I even care? Sometimes I wonder if I am being neglected by family, I would consult my counselor but my anxiety stops me from really speaking to anyone about it because I am scared it will turn out my parents are abusing me mentally and I do not think they are bad people, they just have a lot of their own issues and they are frankly just silly people in their own right. I do not know what to do, I am kind of hoping that my health issues will just kill me already, I do not think I am going to get any better, my asthma is only getting worse to the point that my doctors are assessing if my lungs even work properly at all, and I also might need to get the inside of my stomach looked at because my doctors could not find out why my body freaks out whenever I eat, which scares me. I do not know if I am going to live a long life, and all I want is to have my problems go away. I hate where I live as well, I cannot stand it at all, and I cannot move currently due to a multitude of reasons. I want to just die already because living this way for almost a decade now has just destroyed me as a person, I feel sick inside and I have no one to really talk to about it, I have some online friends who are very kind to me, but I get panic attacks and I feel extremely ill whenever I open up about my issues to someone I know. I do not know what to do, I keep remembering instances where I attempted suicide and its overwhelming me all the time. I cannot even use sleep as an escape. I hate my life. I am sick and tired",Suicidal +13578,"Why I am like this. Just why. I am lazy and I spend my days doing nothing productive. I am extremely selfish. I am stupid. I hate myself so much that I beat myself causing me pain whenever I do a mistake even in video-games which are my escape from reality.I hate my family. They are a bunch of know-it-all jerks. My sisters are like ""try to make more friendships IRL, it is easy!"" as it they were me in the first place, plus many of their friendships are plain terrible. I may have had less friends than them, but at least none of them harmed me as much as their friends harmed them. In recent months I realized that up to when I became eight years old my parents and my older sister were abusive towards me and they are acting like nothing happened. I often fear that whenever I do something bad I would get beaten by one of my parents. I sometimes whish they would just get back what they deserve. Lastly I hate humanity. Among all the species in the planet why did I have to born in the dumbest. A deer who just leaves to eat grass to than be eaten by a wolf is living a better life than 99% of humans. We are put in a rat race no one really wants to take part in. And that 1% not only is a super-selfish group of men living better at the expense of other humans, but at the expense of the planet. Most humans celebrate them as smart, but if they were really that smart they would find a way to live that life without hurting other humans and the planet. The truth is they are just born rich and so selfish that they would do anything to have more money. But also everyone would do everything for more money just yesterday I came across a dude who faked being deaf to ask money for a charity and I was falling for it. I hate myself, everyone around me and humanity",Suicidal +13579,"Was going to post this on an alt but I cannot be fucked to change, basically I am done everything and everyone sucks, I have been in this downward spiral for the last 6 years and its hard to think rationally. I have dropped out form uni twice in 2 different countries cuz i could not stand how normal peoples brain works, I have been diagnosed with a shit tone of stuff, dyslexia, Asperger, GAD, bipolar, and recently psychosis. I have been force fed medication every since i turned 17 and now they got me taking Lyrica and Risperdal, i feel like all this medication has caused my brain to not develop properly as i started taking the max dosage of Zoloft and Xanax when i was 17. Nothing feels normal anymore its hard to hold on to a thought for more than a few seconds, I am going to give it another shot, started going to a new psychologist and doing CBT I have done it once before i guess i did not want it enough back then tho, just incase all goes south again i stole my dads shotgun just so i know there is an easy way out when i need it. ty for reading hope all is well with you Title",Suicidal +13580,It seems like the more I get in touch with people the harder it gets to get along with them.. Do I have a social skills disorder or something? because I feel like I cannot live to work in a company one day How do people get along with others?,Depression +13581,"I cried myself to sleep that night, continuously begging GOD to kill me on 19th julyI wonder why I am still alive i used to work really hard before this phase of my life now even if i have a chance I am just not able to work hard anymore It feels like i have just given up on everything On 17th july",Suicidal +13582,"Did anyone experiences weird side effects with it ? I have started it because I have PMDD (which is a bad form of premenstrual syndrome where I experienced 2 weeks of a month a really strong depression + anxiety + bulimia until my period comes). So it has solved this looping side effects of my mood, but it also feels like it has also lowered my basal level mood, I am always feeling , like all my moods (good and bad) are absorbed to feel this neutral state.In a way this is better than depression but its also really frustrating because I do not really have this motivation and energy I use to have during my follicular phase. On the other hand, it also surprisingly increased my general anxiety, I am not happy or sad, I just feel stressed all the time. I have developed skin picking but on my head, which had lead to hair loss.I also do not feel pleasure the same.. sorry to give personal details, but it is the best example to describe this absorbing pleasure effect. When I reach the point of having an orgasm, the wave of pleasure (like the best part of it at the end) just brutally stop. So frustrating.I have tried to stop it last month by decreasing my intakes. I had a backlash with the worst premenstrual syndrome I have ever had. So I took it back. And now I feel stuck, I am scared that Ill never be able to go back to normal again. PMDD sucks, but those side effects too. St Johns wort side effects",Depression +13583,"I am just so sick of living life without a purpose. All day I do nothing. I am bored by 11am. I try and apply for every job that I think I could perform and rarely hear anything, and the rare occasion I do, they toy with me, having me call them several times to arrange an interview before telling me the job is no longer available. I barely speak to anyone, and those that I do speak to, I just feel like I annoy. I am nobodys favourite person and never have been. Been ghosted god knows how many times, and I wish I knew why. I was meant to go to university this September, get my life back on track. Make new friends. Escape the small town life. Maybe meet somebody who I can love and care for, who I can shower with affection and love who will not use me for it. But with finance issues that is looking increasingly unlikely. I have two friends here, both of which avoid me. My other friends will be heading off to uni. I am so scared of being alone - its hard to imagine being even more isolated than I am now but it very likely could head that way.I just want to live. Not survive, live. But my life is so stagnant idk if that is going to be possible without university Life without purpose",Suicidal +13584,"I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Anxiety by my psychiatrist a few months ago. I take meds and I still go to school. Death thoughts have decreased ever since I started taking meds, but everytime I do have them, I still seriously consider it.My familys not privileged. My dad works in another country and my mom works at a casino. My dads going to lose his job in less than 6 months and were going to be financially unstable again. He does not want to go to work anymore because he says hes tired. Meanwhile, my mom says that she will be the one working so that she can pay for my education.And the thing is, I feel bad.I do not want to be here anymore because I feel like a burden. I was an accident by my parents and I really was not supposed to be here. People say I have a good life, but I am honestly so tired of hearing that. They do not know how bad its been for me. They can only see the surface of my life.I genuinely wish I was born into that privileged family. Or a family with parents that actually planned having children and prepared for it.I feel like I would not achieve anything when I grow older because I do not have enough skills to impress my superiors. I do not know what to do with my life anymore. I feel like a burden and that I will not achieve anything as I get older",Suicidal +13585,Used to want to soar through the sky like a bird and see everything cool and stuff. Now I just want to go real high and dive down straight into the ground. Maybe I will go skydiving one day. always wanted to fly but nowadays it is for far different reasons,Depression +13586,"Feeling blue right now. I am sure you all know what this means and how it feels like. do not even have the energy to write further. Wish I could just sleep until a better time comes. When they say oh I am so happy you called me, they mean I would never call you first.",Depression +13587,Got so sick of them. They did not make me want to die less but made it harder to feel it all. I like it better without them. haha have not taken my meds for weeks,Suicidal +13588,"I am starting to come to the realization that I am not going to amount to anything in this world. I have tried and tried my absolute best in at least attempting to accomplish something meaningful in my life but i just cannot. i have no idea what is supposed to make me happy, what exactly do i want with my life etc. i just keep drawing a blank. I have always been kind, respectful- hell even optimistic for the future, but life keeps deciding to fuck me up in ways and for things i do not understand and definitely do not deserve. phrases like ""good things happen to good people"" are complete bullshit to me now and i have a strong regret for ever believing that something as idiotic as that could ever be true. I am just lost and confused and have absolutely nobody to vent to or even someone to encourage me that everything's going to be okay. this is the worst state I have ever been in both mentally and physically. I have never been so alone in my entire life. i hate this. i hate this so much. on the verge of giving up",Suicidal +13589,What is it.I am not good at anything I do. I have no friends. I have so many privileges to live normally and safely at home. I would rather be homeless. I am so tired. What is it. what is the point,Depression +13590,"Why do I keep thinking of you M, you make me want to jump off a fucking bridge. I am going to stick around though anyways. This is bullshit. I miss you like hell and I hate this shit",Suicidal +13591,I would like someone to speak to. If you cannot handle dark conversation then its best to not reach out. Also want to talk to someone with really good advice preferably. I am holding on by a thread. Someone to talk to,Suicidal +13592,Today's the day I have lost the one thing keeping me alive,Suicidal +13593,"Where do I even start. So much going on recently. First off, I am 20 years old, I have been feeling stuck for a while. I just feel so directionless. I really want to feel like I have a genuine purpose. Otherwise, why am I still alive? I try to wake up every day and look forward to something but the anhedonia just makes that practically impossible. I still have not went to college and it feels that I need to because, how else am I going to survive in this climate? Everything is getting so expensive recently. Since I am not that interested in anything at college, I have a high chance of fucking myself over. And about the job, I never had one. Honestly, thinking of working any job just makes me suicidal. I just feel like a slave in this society where it feels very difficult to make it in life. I also feel that these jobs do not pay enough for what you do. So, the motivation to grind in life simply is not there. Combined with the fact that society and my family expects this of me. And I most certainly do not want to be a loser. I think society makes me feel that way because of the pressure of needing to become something or do something that is beneficial towards society as a whole. I just do not have it in me to do this. And since that is the case, I consider suicide an option because I do not want to suffer any longer. If I do not agree with this society and how the world works, I do not want to be apart of it anymore. Because of what I stated, the emotional pain, how corrupt I think the world is, and whatnot, I have been avoiding reality for most of my life. My main ways of escaping reality is being behind a screen. My iPad, iPhone, PC, TV, anything that is able to completely distract myself from this reality is what I have been doing for so long, years. Gosh, my average daily screen time is anywhere from 12-17 hours! For the past year and half it has been like this ever since finishing high school. I feel extremely guilty about it but at the same time, what other choice do I have? I need some way to escape from this unberable emotional pain I go through everyday. It never gets better. For the past year now I have been suicidal EVERYDAY. There has been a few times where I have not but in the past 6 months it has been chronic suicidal thoughts. Obsessing over a plan, thinking of ODing, how the funeral will be like, how people would react, its horrible. I have set up a plan and I could have decided to end my life on the spot if I chose to, two times now. I just recently threw away the heroin I bought that I wanted to kill myself with. I did this before in November last year but I went to the psych ward instead and got rid of it. But facing death in the eyes like that, holding that bag of heroin in the palm of my hands, literally inches away of it being consumed, it was the most terrifying feeling ever. Before I had it, buying it was not that big of a deal, I was very numb to the process. But I was also hoping that it got confiscated when it got sent to me in the mail so I did not have it. But now that I have it, I can make this decision now, the power that I had in that moment, I could finally do it. I was shaking and crying. I could not do it. I say to myself, Why does it have to be this way? All I want is to feel like I belong on this earth. In that moment I just felt so heartbroken, to do the *unthinkable* was the hardest thing to do. I slept on it, I gave myself time, I thought about it a lot. Is this what I want? I say. It took a lot of willpower but I threw it away. I was not entirely sure I wanted to do that, throwing it away, but I just could not deal with this being in my vicinity. This happened about a week ago.I just, feel so hopeless, I feel like I am in hell, and I cannot escape reality permanently now because of what it would do to others that care for me, the amount of emotional pain it would be for them, is just heartbreaking to realize. I do not even want to die. Sometimes I feel that I do want to die, but the truth is that I actually just want my suffering to end. I would enjoy life better if my perspective could change, if I felt motivated in life, if I could find more pleasure in things that I used to enjoy, etc. Lately I have been considering going back to the psych ward, because I am struggling very much to take care of myself since my value for life is practically gone. I have made so many horrible mistakes that have made it difficult to get over. I simply just do not know what to do anymore. I can only handle escaping reality with internet, porn, drugs, etc. for a short amount of time until the next suicide attempt happens. I fear that moment when the time comes. I feel like I do not have much time left on this earth and it feels that it cannot be prevented. I am in this horrible cycle that I cannot break out of it seems because of how much resentment I have for everything. I want this life thing to work out, I really do. I am not sure if I chose to be here, or I was simply very lucky when I managed to be the only one out of the millions of sperm cells that could fertilize my mothers egg. Life is so complex that our brains cannot comprehend it all. I am just trying my best to cope, but its not good enough. I am struggling everyday to keep going in life. I just want things to get better. I want to get over it, the pain. Well, after typing this all out, I am heading to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day than today. I am not really sure what my intention of this post is for, but someone reading this, understanding my suffering, is good enough with me. I want to express my thoughts and feelings because I cannot keep it all in anymore. If you would like to share your story, experience, give advice, whatever, that is greatly appreciated as well. So, thanks for reading this if you have gotten this far. &amp;amp;lt;3 100% honest emotion. I do not want to die, I am so terrified to let go, but my emotional pain has been so unbearable that all I do is escape reality. Please listen. I do not want to do the unthinkable.",Suicidal +13594,"My parents keep saying anti-depressants will help, but what if they do not? What then? My mental has been worse than ever, and I am seriously considering giving up all together and accepting my fate.I am only 14, yet I feel like the end is tomorrow. I feel so bad for everybody around me, they try to help when I cannot even help myself, I do not even try. I am so fucking stupid, weird, and disgusting. I hate what I have become, I hate who I am, I hate everything about myself. And most of all, I hate this fucking existence. I am so sorry Mom and Dad, I do not know if I can go much longer. I love you Losing what hope I have left.",Suicidal +13595,"i mean I am in debt, I am almost homeless, never felt an ounce of love in my life but i grew up good just could never feel love. all i do is hurt people around me, I have never had a friend, I have tried to kill myself twice before this. i think tonight is the night I am tired. I am fucked",Suicidal +13596,selfish and toxic parents. what more could you ask for?? They just do not see it,Depression +13597,These recurring dark thoughts and embarrassing memories are preventing me from moving forward. I know its limiting my capabilities. It slows me down each time its goes and come back eventually. I do not know for how long i will be able to fight and convince myself that i am not getting mad. It makes me question each and every decision i have ever made in my life. This needs to stop. Crippling depression,Depression +13598,"My whole life I have suffered, I am 17. Never had a girlfriend, grew up far to poor. Have no money, no job nor barely any friends. I hate myself a lot, I get sad at night and eat a lot during the day. I do not know what the problem with me is. I feel unwelcome in this world. I hate school, god I hate school. I have one more school year left before I graduate. Then I do not know what I am going to do. I never had a job before, I am very very scared to get one. I do not have my drivers license or permit, I am scared to drive. I have not been to a doctor ( mental health) before. Usually depression hits older people but why me? I am very upset with myself. Maybe I was just born to be sad? I have been made fun of, bullied both physically and mentally. For various reasons such as obesity, being in special Ed, having no friends and never having a girlfriend. I hate myself. My family do not care about me nor does anyone else. I am not ready to die yet, I have alot of things to do with my life before I die. Wtf am I still doing here?",Depression +13599,I am never going to be happy. and even when i am its not worth it because it never lasts. my mental illness and state of mind I have had ever since i can remember as a small child guarantees the fact my life is not worth it. I am not strong enough like others to keep going. its all so painful. i want out. i want out. i want out. its such a waste of pain and heartache when i could be peacefully asleep forever. my heart is physically aching right now. i feel like I am at my limit with life.,Suicidal +13600,"Some months ago I started to not feeling anything again. I thought it would be as before and I will eventually feel again. And even though I started feeling some things again, I feel like bloqued again. I mean, I can feel like superficial things/feelings, but I cannot make a 'deep' conection with things. For example, I love listening to music, I still enjoy listening to music, but I only enjoy the melodies, I cannot connect with lyrics even when I hear songs that used to have a deep meaning in me. It is like I cannot have deep feelings, just 'basic' feelings.Also, it is like I am missing the times when I was more misserable and in deeper shit. I know this is not good or healthy. But I miss worst time beacuse I could feel in a more deep way, and also my life is total flatness, nothing happens, and when something different happens, I cannot feel different, I just keep going like nothing matters.And another thing is happening is that I no longer want to be a goor or better person. I am like givng up of beign a better myself everytime. I no longer care, I used to think that if I was a better person, better stuff would come to my life, but it actually gets worse. Sometimes I just want to give up and fuck everything around me, I am tired of everything but still cannot feel enough to reconsider suicide seriously. I am so unsensitive that I cannot even get courage to reconsider suicide again, I cannot get sad ot angry enough to think about it.I know I am becoming a worst person, but I am fighting hide it, but I know that this bomb will eventually exlplode. I know I have problems, and I accept that people with menthal problems because more problems, and I know that I cannot control it. I just do not know what to do. I cannot thinkIt is like I knew that I am doomed to become a shitty dude as Bojack or any other character like him. Fewling even more weird.",Depression +13601,how can i painlessly kill myself ?,Suicidal +13602,"I annoy my family - whenever i open my mouth about a hot take, they all come at me, make fun of me. Tell me to go to my room, cry and scratch myself. I am boring to my boyfriend - he probably just talks to me because he feels sorry for me, feels like he is obligated. all his replies are blunt and dry anyways. My friends cannot stand me - Ik they cannot. they just feel like they owe me because I have been there for them. idk. i can tell they get bothered by me too. I cannot maintain healthy relationships with anyone. And I know its my fault. Everyone is so much more calm and happy when I am not here. People are unbothered, they are not annoyed. They can enjoy peace and serenity without this burden always being a thorn in their side. I am so sick of pretending to be strong. Who am I being strong for? Clearly nobody wants me around so why should not I just take myself out. I would just be hurrying the inevitable of me dying by myself with no one around. it would be better if i was not here",Suicidal +13603,"I am so tired of this body. I am so tired of this skin. I am so tired of my own brain. I wish I could just be someone else for a day. Someone with a different life and a different name. A part of me wants to die in hopes that Ill wake up as someone else, even though I know that is unlikely. And even then, if I do not wake up as someone else at least I will not have to carry this weight anymore. I want it so badly. To just not be me...I do not know what to do. I am trying to hold it together for the people who love me but it gets harder with each day. People around me feel like people...I do not know how to describe it. They have dreams and aspirations and goals and happiness but I can never relate. It always feels like I have something missing. I do not feel like a person. I feel like a she will that is pretending to be a person. I am just so sad and unhappy. I am sorry. Ugh",Suicidal +13604,"Hi everyone. 28/F here.I got diagnosed with dysthymia about 6 weeks ago. I was given the choice of meds or psychotherapy to start off, and I chose psychotherapy because sertraline and trintrellix did not make much of a difference years prior. My question is, does anyone here want to share their experience of what psychotherapy is/has done for them?I have just had one session so far, but feel like I do not really understand what its about/what the goal is.I actually just left the session feeling sad and cried. The psychotherapist said she could not really identify any reason from my childhood or adolescence which would leave me with this condition. Which made me feel bad for venting about my family, and for not having a reason to be suffering from dysthymia. Diagnosed with dysthymia, psychotherapy?",Depression +13605,"Hi everyone, I just wanted to say that I am leaving as there is nothing for me, and I just do not want to go on. I cannot keep waiting to experience what death is like, and I am excited to say that I will be a much happier soul when I am dead. Goodbye, and have a good one Goodbye",Suicidal +13606,"I am not rich, I am not handsome, I do not have a GF, I do not have motivation to live. I am lazy, I am a coward, I am selfish, I am nothing. I have nothing",Suicidal +13607,"Been depressed for years (I am 21) and honestly, I cannot believe I am writing this, but it seems things are getting better. Writing this feels insane because I know its true because I am writing it. I like to measure my depression from 0% to 100%. 0% being at my worst and 100% what I want to be one day. I was at 0 about a little more than a year ago and I can say that this past week and right now I feel I am at a 30 to 40%. I hope someone reads this and finds pleasure and or information that helps them. Also If you have tips for insomnia that would help. And further tips for feeling better/happier. I am going to get a donut and iced coffee in the morning",Depression +13608,I went to sleep at a reasonable time and slept for almost nine hours. I was actually happy. We took a walk on the beach. I had no fear of the future for once.Then I came home this evening. It all came crashing down on me. I cannot sleep. I want to cry but I cannot. I want to scream at the world but I do not want to wake the people in the next room since they are the ones letting me live here (probably best to be civil towards them lol).Guess I will just... I do not know. I visited a friend for a night.,Depression +13609,is loki just a story i want to diewill i see him when my heart stopsi do not give of a fuck about historical documentation is loki real,Suicidal +13610,it is been around two weeks since my mother's death. I keep blaming myself and people who treated my mom badly. I have been feeling empty and wanted to dissapear since years ago. That feelings come and go (or is it me that pretend not to feel that thing) Life is sucks and all i wish is to never born in this world. Knowing this thing is impossible hurt myself even more. I live my life with this empty thing in my chest everyday. Never wanted to end my life but today i imagine a scenario that all my pain will gone after i drink a high dose of sleeping pills Do i need help for this? Today i browsed for a high dose of sleeping pills,Depression +13611,I am a selfish horrible piece of shit I am just going to do everyone a favor and do it I am not even self pitying right now i have accepted I am a. horrible person. i just have to plan where and how and that should be it. everything i have cared about in my life is gone or ruined and i have no reason to keep fighting it anymore I am going to do it soon,Suicidal +13612,"Therapy got too expensive. My financial assistance was withdrawn despite not having a change in income. I have told myself for years that overthinking will be my downfall. Medications helped, until they did not. I finally reached a point where I thought I learned how to manage this illness. Being able to process negative events without letting them drag me into a pit of despair. Went almost a solid year letting myself be happy. My girlfriend of 3 years proposed to me; we were talking about getting a house and having a kid. Fucking bliss. I wound up in the hospital for 4 days at the beginning of the year due to extreme heart palpitations that came out of the blue. I have not heard a word from her since my second day there. I had made so much progress up to that point, and honestly even since then as the trauma of it all slowly dissipated. Now all of this past shit is rearing its ugly head. So many people have asked me, Why do not you try to reconnect with ______? (the girl I had been seeing prior to my now ex-fianc.) Only a select few people actually know that situation, but long story short, she passed away unexpectedly from septicemia. 24 years old. I never really talked to anyone about it other than my extremely close family and friends, and eventually that sadness dissipated as well. AnywayIve actually processed the majority of this shit in a mostly healthy way. I am just feeling so fucking empty now. How can someone make so much progress, then when something is 100% out of their control, it can just completely strip it all away? It fucking disgusts me and makes me hate myself. I have spent half my life wasting away, not allowing myself to find any sort of personal success because I had no intention of living to 30. Up until last year I have kept a suicide note in my wallet since I was 16. 31 now. I am too apathetic all the time to see the good in anything. I just do not know how to live this fucking life anymore, not that I really ever did. The thought of not existing is the only thing that makes me feel joy, in the most fucked up sense of the word. I fucking hate it here. Its not worth it anymore",Depression +13613,"Background: I often daydream about being with a girl I like, doing fun but normally impossible things with her, sharing my hobbies with her, getting married, etc. I have been doing this since I was around 10, only back then, my subjects were more fantastical, like me being a superhero etc. I should mention that these are transient, like, I start over each time. So recently I have included feeling that I am not good enough for her, that she deserves better, of killing myself(or attempting to), her discovering the aftermath, that sort of stuff. The healthier version of this is us growing old together. How far am I on the way to insanity? I have started getting depressed in my daydreams",Depression +13614,"I read some stories on here sometimes and I am clueless as to how some of you all can even get out of the house while feeling this way. you all are going to work, studying, I can barely read even a paragraph of my readings while I am like this. I do not see a point in persevering anymore. I admire you guys for making an effort to maintain your life. If you are one of those people who still have a schedule, how do you do it? (Sorry if this sounds insensitive) I do not know how people carry on with life while suicidal",Suicidal +13615,"Title says it all. But I am done with depression. I am already so low, so empty and unmotivated. I spend all day fighting my mind and thoughts. All day feeling worthless and hopeless and some days I cannot even get out of bed. I have had a life of this. Ups and downs and the lowest of lows. I have been here before. I know this road like the back of my hand and as much as my depression wants to trick me into staying, I am not that person any more. I cannot be. Or it will kill me.So I am fighting every step of the way. If I am going to feel empty and hollowed out then Ill do it while crawling forward. Because anything is better then this life and depression. 21 days to form a habit. That habit is breaking my thoughts and slapping the hell out of my depression like it has me this year. Because I am not going down with this ship, I am getting on a whole different ship and captaining that one to better tides! I am done suffering. I am fighting my way back out of this hole and I am not stopping until I have won.",Depression +13616,They all abandoned me as soon as they could. My therapist recommended me to a different therapist but nobody else took me. She also broke our doctor patient confidentiality and told everyone everything. My principal abandoned me when I needed her most. I am still alone but now I am somehow even more alone. Jesus Christ I wish I was dead. Its so hard not killing myself everyday The people that were supposed to care for me were fake as shit,Suicidal +13617,I do not really care how it has to happen. I just hope its quick. Although I would not be adverse to getting cancer. Maybe getting shot or accidentally run over. I just know it will never get better and I am tired of trying to make it better. I just want to die. I pray to god everyday that I will die,Suicidal +13618,I have done everything they say you should do.I have a good job. I have a family. I have some friends. I eat healthy. I go to the fucking piece of shit gym everyday and I lift. I run until I cannot. I take stupid meds my psychiatrist gave me. I go to therapy(which is useless). In the end nothing has really changed. I am still alone. I feel a void in my life. I have no purpose and I do not know why I am here. I still want to die. Why are not we allowed to kill ourselves? Why do we have to feel guilty for wanting to die? Fuck this life. I just want to blow my brains out. I work. I exercise. I eat healthy. I take my fucking meds. I still want to kill myself.,Suicidal +13619,"I have been locked away in a hospital because people seem to think that I do not have the mental capacity to make rational decisions.Locking me away like a criminal is just about the worst thing they could have done for my mental health, I literally cannot walk around without my meerkat, I cannot look people in the eyes and I cannot even speak to people. This is awful because it is going to seem like I have some severe mental impairment which just is not true. If they want me safe and 'happy', they should have let me stay home... I have been sectioned...",Suicidal +13620,"I have wasted, 18 years of my pathetic life. I have quit literally done nothing. Now I am 18,trying to pick up art, but I am lousy at it. I could have started when I was much younger, but no. You know I was suppose to have a medical care. Phlebotomy young happy, but come test day I fail. The one thing I studied my ass off for,and I fucking failed.so no license. Alright I have got other options, no. Forgot to do the process, to continue the classes, graduate high school with nothing. Great now what. do not worry I got ? Oh yeah. I am a complete fuck up. ADHD, autism,dumb and, wasted my life hitting controller playing video game. So I am a 18 year old infant. No social skills no friends, and despite being 18 feel like I am 81. Old dying mind slipping burden. Honestly I want to take a long walk at night, then find a peaceful place to end it. My lifes over, and I do not feel like Ill make it past 20. Honestly I do not feel human, probably due to autism. Either way I want to peel of my skin. I hate the way I look. Want to wear a mask. Or have my mind transferred to a robot. I just feel close to death at this point. I want to die,but I am to scared of the nothingness I am a coward. 18 years",Suicidal +13621,Not really my first time feeling like this but I am confused I am a man and i do not like to be weak or show weakness so I am pretty quiet and stone faced or angry when in public I have not really cried since I was 12 I do remember crying once when i was 13 but it was an accident and i was caught when i had just woken up so I am still very embarrassed about it i feel quite broken i feel like I am missing something normal people have I do not feel empathetic and my family bashes me for that I feel pain and randomly through out the day and I am quite young and not unhealthy I get very mad sometimes for no reason I can be laying in bed then suddenly just a blinding rage comes over me I do struggle with my body because i do not like how i look bit that is not important I am useless compared to other people i do not have a big drive for success i do not have any redeeming quality's I am have less value then an extra from a movie lately the hobbies I enjoy have become painful to even think about and I have become more pessimistic I am just asking since I feel like people here are more versed then I am in this sort of thing am i depressed or am i just bottling in to much or am i just whining and complaining about normal things Confused,Suicidal +13622,"i did not mean to ghost them, but all i know now is that i can actually never kill myself because it hurts them. it hurts them when i do not talk to them. it hurt me too, but i cannot stop being mentally unwell and exhausted and having my brain plagued with intrusive thoughts and anxiety and depression. i just want to fucking die. I am not happy. i will not be happy for a long time and i really cannot fucking take it. i want to fucking drown. i want to die. i had a dream last night that i got 2 cockatiels as a pets. i brought a new cage for them and put it next to my budgies cage. my mum was enraged, and proceeded to beat the shit out of me abs scream at me. in the dream my friends arrived and watched me get beaten up. as i lost more and more blood they just stood there. one of them intervened after a while but i woke up shortly after, when i died in my dream.i fucking wish that was real. i wish i could see them, i wish i could die. i wish i could die not at my own hands and have them know that. i do not want to traumatise them tho. i feel awful. because i do not want them to suffer, they are amazing people; but i really want to fucking die. i want to suffocate. I am sorry. I am really sorry. WHY cannot I STOP HURTING THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE?",Suicidal +13623,"I found in my moms drawer multiple foils of pretty powerful heart medicine, I did not take a whole pill but there was one empty space without a pill, probably taken. I got my finger and took all the powder I could from there. I got heartburns, very bad pain, hard breathing, dizziness and headache for almost a whole hour. I survived. I tried to suicide",Suicidal +13624,"Gunna be honest. I am not sure what i have to say or really how to express myself so here goes nothing. I feel like a empty, sliced open yoga ball. Deflated, defeated by the angry self distructive voices inside of myself; but still so hungry for every drop of hope that i will become the legend my mother told me I would become.So tonight is a ""drink and try to cry it out night"" which i do not do very often ( I think about it very often). I am attempting to drown out the sorrow with high energy music, problem is, I have never been to a Psychologist yet and i still have a long wait ahead of me until i recieve my first. I am 27. And from the south.I ran away from there due to a bad relationship with my Ex. The woman who had my first and only bio child.We were both young and emotionally/mentally broken. We thought we wanted/needed a child to be valued and grow forward. The part we forgot to participate in was the self discovery and self exploration in the late teens to mid/early twenties.Instead we pushed different things into our relationship trying to bandage the scraps and bleeds. Day after day filled with yelling we degraded each other. And seeing as the south does not have any truely functioning mental health knowledge/system we had no idea what we where doing to each other and all the ramifications of those 6 years. I chose to remove myself from the situation (by moving to Oregon from Texas) because i felt that if i continued on that specific path that I would choose to off myself. Instead I chose more pain but higher benefit for my son, Live, and choose to learn to be better, so that he can have his father one day 100%.Now. I am in a relationship with a mother of two girls here, and while the circumstances have changed ""I"" have not i guess. Becquse the depression is getting worse despite having a seemingly healthier relathionship, and trying my FUCKING BEST every god damn day to learn about my demons and how to conquer the storm within, but it seems that between the pain of the trauma of the past, physical and mental PTSD from life..... IdkThis is a everyday hard god damn fight. And I am not going to give up. But fuckSitting here with my whiskey, smokes, smoke, and tears running down my face just wondering what the fuck I am doing and where the fuck I am going. I feel like If i did not have to fight myself EVERY GOD DAMN DAY I could put all my energy toward changing the world. Instead of reminding myself to just drink water and take a showerIts just that.... the fight against the voice that is always trying to get me to eat a bullet is never ending.....And i know I am strong but I do not know how strong Struggling.",Suicidal +13625,"Gunna be honest. I am not sure what i have to say or really how to express myself so here goes nothing. I feel like a empty, sliced open yoga ball. Deflated, defeated by the angry self distructive voices inside of myself; but still so hungry for every drop of hope that i will become the legend my mother told me I would become.So tonight is a ""drink and try to cry it out night"" which i do not do very often ( I think about it very often). I am attempting to drown out the sorrow with high energy music, problem is, I have never been to a Psychologist yet and i still have a long wait ahead of me until i recieve my first. I am 27. And from the south.I ran away from there due to a bad relationship with my Ex. The woman who had my first and only bio child.We were both young and emotionally/mentally broken. We thought we wanted/needed a child to be valued and grow forward. The part we forgot to participate in was the self discovery and self exploration in the late teens to mid/early twenties.Instead we pushed different things into our relationship trying to bandage the scraps and bleeds. Day after day filled with yelling we degraded each other. And seeing as the south does not have any truely functioning mental health knowledge/system we had no idea what we where doing to each other and all the ramifications of those 6 years. I chose to remove myself from the situation (by moving to Oregon from Texas) because i felt that if i continued on that specific path that I would choose to off myself. Instead I chose more pain but higher benefit for my son, Live, and choose to learn to be better, so that he can have his father one day 100%.Now. I am in a relationship with a mother of two girls here, and while the circumstances have changed ""I"" have not i guess. Becquse the depression is getting worse despite having a seemingly healthier relathionship, and trying my FUCKING BEST every god damn day to learn about my demons and how to conquer the storm within, but it seems that between the pain of the trauma of the past, physical and mental PTSD from life..... IdkThis is a everyday hard god damn fight. And I am not going to give up. But fuckSitting here with my whiskey, smokes, smoke, and tears running down my face just wondering what the fuck I am doing and where the fuck I am going. I feel like If i did not have to fight myself EVERY GOD DAMN DAY I could put all my energy toward changing the world. Instead of reminding myself to just drink water and take a shower.... some advice would be nice right about now....or just....another human.... Just struggling",Depression +13626,i am a fat ugly piece of shit who makes the same mistakes. And NOBODY cares about me. i hate myself,Depression +13627,I feel I am a narcissist. When I am better than somebody at something or smarter I try to help but I get a feeling of superiority and I come off as condescending but I know I should not and I do not want to be an asshole. This makes me EXTREMELY humble. I find myself humble bragging even tho I do not want to and hate the attention. I try and lift others but I feel like I have a side that automatically looks down on others right or wrong. I can be over confident but humble it is weird. I do not like this side of me and it can effect my life believe or not it leads to self hatred. Anybody like this and feel it affects their social communication? idk I am a narcissist?,Depression +13628,"Its mildly heartbreaking every time I am invited to an event and I check if my friends are going and they say yes coz it mean that they were going regardless of whether i was, and also means that didny think to ask me if i was going. Especially since I am 90% sure they would have asked at least one of their friends to decide whether they want to go or notJust a lil rant :) Never the first",Depression +13629,Day after day I wake up miserable No matter what I am doing I just want to disappear. Since 13 I have had depression It comes and gos and in early 2020 around January to June was the best time of my life almost for no reason I had even realized around mid March about how I had been feeling but around the start of July It got worse than it had ever been I spent every day alone went weeks without speaking to a single person I cried almost every night I barley ate anything every day felt like it lasted forever I could not enjoy my favorite things like music On august 2nd I attempted hanging myself but did not go trough with because I was to scared knowing there is nothing else out there even though I though that is what I wanted Its been a year since it started this bad not a single day do I wake up and feel the will to live I keep telling myself it has to be going away soon I have no friends nor do I want anyI hate talking I hate being seen And I just want to feel happy again but it feels like its no where in sight. I do not know if any of this makes since sense I have not gotten much sleep but I just felt like I need just say what was in my head. It just will not end,Depression +13630,"And it was while I was thinking of ending it all. The peace, the fact that I will no longer feel pain, no more taxes, no more bills, no more working, no more feeling like ugly, useless piece of shit. Ahhh the freedom. The happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was imagining my death. I smiled a genuine smile today for the first time in forever.",Depression +13631,"Literally got called wierd by my internet friend group of nearly ten years because i trolled too hard in a game. Keep in mind, nothing ban-worthey; racial slurs, gender/homophobic slurs. Just got called wierd for coddling a new player while I was on a smurf. Blocked them all on every platform. Literally read green text with these guys. Was already a bottle of Jameson in prior to this... might as well get an additional handle, pop some sleeping pills and top it off with some Bleach and Adderall, so I can feel it when it happens. A D I O S B O I Z A D I O S",Depression +13632,"So yeah, since last time posting here, I tried to stand up against everything that got thrown into my face. Hypocracy, insults, complaints and the ever same jokes, where the only point is that I am fat.I just cannot anymore. I had a breakdown where I cried about it all being too much to cope with and at the same time In just laughed. I laughed because it was just so funny. Seing this ""alcoholic"" asshole cry. Asking, how much more till he is in for the white ""I cuddle myself"" jackets. How many times he can be broken more.I get insults and complaints pretty much everyday when I am not alone or with a selected couple of friends.To that I just want to scream ""fuck you, you wanted me here, I am just here because you needed my car, a fucking mule or some idiot to do the shit you are too stupid to. Tell me what you want in a normal tone or fuck off""But I never do. I just sit there and bear it.And for what?So that a few seconds later I can be told ""why are not you happy? I just told you everything you do is shit. Ohhh are you a crybaby?""Just let me die already. Throw me in the forest so the wild animals can eat me. If they dare at this smell... New discoverings from the ""fat alcoholic pothead""",Depression +13633,cannot do this cannot do it I am sick of being ill all the time I am sick of feeling awful i cannot handle it I am not strong enough I have not got anywhere I thought I was but I have not. So many people trying to help me but nothing works whatever they or I do. IDont belong here anymore no more now please no more make it stop. I cannot I cannot I just cannot anymore,Suicidal +13634,"Hello guys, I am really sorry if this is not well written or understandable since English is not my first language but please read me since I want help PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME. This is the FIRST TIME I have asked for help anywhere. I have gamed my entire life, I got my first PC when I was 11 years old and now I am 23. I am still gaming and doing actually nothing with my life. At first, I would play like 10 hours a day since my parents worked all day so as soon as I got back from school I would play the rest of the day and do nothing else, not even homework. I was a top-of-the-class student but ever since I got into PC Gaming my notes eventually fell off so HARD. Only doing the bare minimum to be able to pass grades and focus on gaming. I dropped out of college at 18 to get a job and build my dream PC. I built my PC and have been playing constant League of Legends every day for 5+ hours a day. I do not even enjoy gaming anymore, I am super toxic and competitive and all I do is get mad and keep playing. I was so afraid of quitting League because I was very good and I felt so bad because I dedicated so many hours into this game to just quit and waste all that time without accomplishing anything or become a pro player. I have worked in about 15 Call centers because they pay really well and have not lasted more than 1 month or 2. I am basically there for the free training money and that is it. I quit the job and continue to play until I run out of my saved money.I have not played league for 1 month and I do not really miss it, I am just super sad that I wasted my time and League just goes on without me like I never really existed. I have moved to FPS games because I was very good when I was young but I am having a really hard time since I am getting so mad due to being super competitive. Last year I got into College again and got a part-time job, it all fell apart in the last 3 months because I wanted to play AGAIN. I have now built a new SUPER PC and I feel so miserable. :(Right now I managed to land a very good job, chill work from home only answering customer service emails. The sad part is after work is done, I game until 12AM and repeat the cycle. The idea of quitting video games is just so frightening and I feel like I need them. I am addicted to competitive esports trying to prove I am better.... , do not really play single-player games since I do not get to compete with other people. Please help me see the light out of this tunnel, I know I have the potential to become someone great but the lack of motivation and cycle of gaming addiction is blocking me off. Help me quit gaming",Depression +13635,"i do not think i was ever meant to live this long. i turn 20 next month and i think that is far too long for me , I am long overdue. i do not think life is for me , idk how to play this game called life . everything about life is hard and I am so frickin weak its embarrassing. i think my existence was an accident. i know people say god makes no mistakes or whatever but i think I am the one slip up!! usually (everyday) ill think about how much i wish i did not exist and how i wish i could just vanish into thin air and how i would not be upset if i just suddenly died , but tonight , right now , i have the strongest urge to unalive myself!! but guess what?? I am not even brave enough to go through with it lmaoo. i have not said my goodbyes yet and really do not feel taking the time to do so right now. my dog is laying right next to me and i do not want him to just watch me kill myself, but this urge is so strong!! my head hurts so bad and my eyes are puffy as hell from all the stupid crying. i feel very alone and i think maybe i should take this opportunity to just go through with it. I am extremely tired of existing and I am sure other people are tired of my existence too. i tried reaching out to two people tonight plus the dumb crisis text line thing but that was a fail hahaha. just wanted to talk to someone but we do not always get what we want in life. its 3am where i live so that probably has something to do with it (even though one of those people lives on the other side of the planet lol). posting on here or whatever its called (idk i do not really use reddit) is like my last resort. i really do not think anyones going to take the time to read this or even interact but oh well my time here is overdue",Suicidal +13636,"Would it make my pain stop? Would I stop living in constant fear of everything?I have turned so weak, I jump at the slightest sounds, I cannot stop shivering, I feel like there is a big black hole inside me, sucking away my life and will to live. Why should I even live? Why should I die? I do not even know what I want anymore, I just wish I was gone. I wonder what death is like...",Suicidal +13637,"Unfortunately the cruel winter has taken him away. 9 years old German Shepherd. Fully black and monstrously large for a Shepherd. Today I went to see him, he shuffled out into the paddock full of beans. He walked up to me for pats, then he sat down and did not get back up. Trying to touch him, and he would bite me. he is never in 9 years bitten me before, or shown any aggression to anything. Poor thing, so much pain. The vet came and euthanised him out in the grass where he lay. Spent 3 hours digging his grave.I delivered him by hand, watched over him as a puppy as if he was my son. I wish I was not so depressed that I could have visited him more. I feel like the worst person in the world for ignoring that big, dopey, lovable boy. So much regret for not taking him to the beach last summer, or the summer before. I wanted to and had everything prepared, but I just do not care about life anymore.I started 2020 the happiest I have ever been in my miserable life. For the first time in my life, I was happy. I was actually fit and healthy, had a girlfriend who was the first true love of my life, lots of true friends, respect at work in a winery. It felt like maybe life was worth living. Lockdown happened, and lost it all. When things opened back up, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps for a while. Physically recovered and got fit again, new girlfriend. Then December happened. Unfortunately lack of healthcare meant I had a back pain flair up that nearly crippled me, work got super busy and all my coworkers took their frustrations out on me( probably deserved, but still not nice), and I got ghosted again. I just gave up on life. The past 7 or 8 months have been truly nightmarish. cannot leave the house, cannot talk to anyone, cannot enjoy anything or feel much of anything. I just do not know how to keep going.Well okay, the past couple of months I have started leaving the house and hanging out with friends at least twice a month. But after today, I just completely give up again.Hope I can get through the next 12 hours so I can make a doctors appointment. I know it will take nearly a year before a mental healthcare professional is available. But maybe my doctor can help. let us hope I can speak on the phone and ask for any available doctor. I bet I will be so choked up with anxiety I cannot speak.I think I will be safe at least for tonight. My body is probably broken after digging the grave. I cannot move my legs, presumably my back and hips have been strained.I know the rules say I must request personal support for myself or others. I cannot feel anything good right now. This is the best I can do. I need help and I do not know how to ask. Sharing has been cathartic. Perhaps that is enough for tonight.R.I.P. Mister Vinny. My best friend. My dog died today. Life was already meaningless.",Depression +13638,"Guys, i do not really know how to continue, I have recently realized that my life goal is not for me, I have always dreamt of being a chef, but looking at the industry, its really atrocious, and I cannot handle the people.I had a friend commit earlier this year, and I am still pretty beat up over it, Halloween is the one year anniversary.A few weeks ago, my father kidnapped, and threatened to murder me, he then proceeded to beat me. I have been reliving the incident since, And the anxiety is overwhelming. I could not go to police, I did not want to scare my sister.I have been hospitalized many of times, for suicidal ideation, where I was abused at the facility: I got stabbed and they made me sleep in a closet for a week.I do not really know what to do, while I want to die, my girlfriend gives me life, I have no trust for therapist and any doctor frankly after my experience, does anyone have any recommendations? Thanks. hey.(troubling material, Please be safe.)",Suicidal +13639,I do not know if I know how to describe what is wrong. Things have been hard lately. It seems like nothing ever changes. It seems like I cannot contribute anything of value to people around me. It feels like I do not have the agency to make decisions or make things better. I just need a hug. Maybe a cup of tea. I need a hug.,Depression +13640,"I am tired of hiding the fact I am depressed that I feel like shit and pretend everythings fine while in reality I wish I were dead. The fact people feel ashamed over the fact they are depressed, anxious and all of that is something you should not be ashamed of. It should be taught about in school because then it would not be as unusal and to tell everyone and they would have some understanding. Instead you need to hide it because you are not doing fine and no one except the person who has it knows what its like. Mental health should be a subject",Depression +13641,"Yep, that is what is happening. I did not even have to pay for it since my parents paid, I am here for 10 days and halfway through vacation and I am struggling every single day. I feel like shit because everything here is so expensive and I am here not enjoying it like everybody else and I feel like people would kill to be in my position. Makes me feel like a spoiled brat and I do not expect sympathy but I had to write this somewhere. I guess depression just does not make sense. Imagine going on vacation to Hawaii and still hating yourself",Depression +13642,"Does anyone else get this calm feeling wash over them when you look up suicide rates and other information on suicide? It makes me feel happy because I think *wow, look at all those numbers of people who actually did it, maybe I can one day too*. I do not know I am probably just fucked up. Its oddly calming..",Depression +13643,"Everyone I talk to these days tells me to live. Why?just because you should live. That does not make any sense. I came here looking for an answer. So tell me, friends, why should I live?Everyone I talk to these days tells me to live. Why?ust because you should live. That does not make any sense. I came here looking for an answer. So tell me, friends, why should I live?ense. I came here looking for an answer. So tell me, friends, why should I live? Reason to live",Suicidal +13644,"My mum makes me take Prozac and I have tried fake taking them but she found out I was doing that and how checks my mouth every time. I hate taking them it makes me angry, and I feel manipulated because it makes me think they are trying to change me :( Feeling manipulated after taking meds",Depression +13645,Does anyone else do a full day at workand behave like a productive human being then go home and fall into a depressive funk. I call this functional depressionI wonder whether this is a common condition ? Functional depression,Depression +13646,"Source of comfort, for one distressed Someone in need, need I digress? Vulnerable in heart, kind in soulFinally someone to controlYoung in body, naive in mind Give it here, it is mine A helpful teacher, someone to trustWhat a fool, used for lust There is no one, I am aloneI kneel before the liars throne To long now, I am stuck. Forever yours, I AM STUCK Like a fly, drawn to rot Could have guessed, or maybe not Like a fly, drawn to sweet A pitcher plant, is not that neat?Sickly sweet, perfect songYou planned, did not you...? All along. Poem, unable to sleep. Thanks for reading. Weird formatting. Two line stanzas do not work well on mobile. Pitcher Plant - poem",Depression +13647,"guys, have you ever feel like you are already used to be treated like a shit, people never appreciate you and suddenly when good things happened you do not know it is a good thing or bad. does it ever occur to me that people really will be treating me good ? it is my birthday and I always been hating my birthday. I have good people around me treating me good and I cannot thankful enough but deep down it is really scared the hell out of me. and I am shaking from the urge to sh. and I am so terrified if i will get panic attack. I feel useless i feel stupid I am messed up",Depression +13648,"Source of comfort, for one distressed Someone in need, need I digress? Vulnerable in heart, kind in soulFinally someone to controlYoung in body, naive in mind Give it here, it is mine A helpful teacher, someone to trustWhat a fool, used for lust There is no one, I am aloneI kneel before the liars throne To long now, I am stuck. Forever yours, I AM STUCK Like a fly, drawn to rot Could have guessed, or maybe not Like a fly, drawn to sweet A pitcher plant, is not that neat?Sickly sweet, perfect songYou planned, did not you? All along. Poem, unable to sleep. Thanks for reading. A pitcher plant",Depression +13649,weirdly I feel happy I am so close I can feel it,Suicidal +13650,"Hi everyone. This is going to be a different post from my prior two. Feel free to read about why I am going to end my life in a few months in my prior posts if you want to. Here are some of my hopes for the future after I am gone. I am an old millennial. I am as old as you can be and still be a millennial. I have witnessed firsthand how millennials and younger have had to deal with horrible recessions and wages not keeping pace with inflation. Home ownership is also now becoming an impossibility without being dangerously close to bankruptcy even if you can afford to save a down payment while working a job that barely pays the rent. I am in finance and do ok financially, but grew up poor and have had struggles. My first real job paid enough to have a nice one bedroom apartment in a great neighborhood and now that same entry level job would barely keep a crappy roof over my head. Life is unfortunately getting harder, but it does not have to be this way. I am encouraged by the labor shortage and the remote working revolution. let us just call the labor shortage for what it really is. it is a bunch of companies not paying a living wage and then complaining that they cannot find people to work. All jobs in the United States should pay a living wage, period. If their business model does not support a living wage, they need to go out of business. Please continue to fight the good fight and resist these crappy companies and jobs. They will only change if they are forced to change. If you are fortunate enough to have a job that can be done remotely, resist the employers push to return to the office. Either demand more money for the extra time and commute or quit for a remote job. They want control over you. Millions of us proved for over a year and a half that the company can make money, we can be productive and have more time for us. To be able to live anywhere we want. To have more freedom. Now, they want to return to the old ways to control you. Resist it. Understand that you have value. A good employer should treat you like you are in a mutually beneficial relationship. Again, companies will revert back to the old ways and force us into long commutes, time away from family and force us to live somewhere we do not want to live if you allow them to get away with it. Punish their bottom-line by resigning in massive waves until they get the message. Forcing me back into the office was the final nail in my coffin. Do not allow them to get away with taking even more of your freedom. Having a living wage, a nice roof over your head and more freedom does not guarantee happinesses as I have experienced, but I also know it is damn near impossible to have happiness if your basic needs are not met. I am also encouraged that social acceptance around depression seems to be increasing. I have noticed more people publically talk about their problems even in the workplace. Yes, we have a long way to go but the trend is encouraging. I really am encouraged by younger people questioning the status quo. I just hope they win and make the world a slightly better place. It will not resolve all problems. For example, it would not do anything to cure my loneliness, but financial problems and struggle are one of the leading causes of depression. The younger generation has an opportunity to improve the way things are. Good luck to all of you. I truly hope you find peace and happiness. I do not have anyone to talk to in my life and reddit has been one small pleasure during my time of extreme unhappiness. Thank you all. General advice to people and some trends that I hope will continue after I am gone",Suicidal +13651,I have decided to drop out of school. I am beyond the point of caring and trying to fix my life again,Suicidal +13652,"I tried to kill myself with the following meds (Effexor, Celexa, Buspiron, Melatonin). I woke up with hallucinations, nausea, headache, dizziness, impaired vision and hearing.Should I just try to throw up or should I get gastric lavage? The thing is, suicide is taboo in our country, plus I do not want my parents or police officers find out about this. Should I get gastric lavage?",Suicidal +13653,"why she have to care about me, I am a horrible person, I do not even love her. Just why? why she forgive what I have done to her, she should kill me, it is a good thing for her, I should never exist. I sometime being bad to her but she do not care, what wrong with her. Why she do not kill me? because I am her grandson, FUCK THAT, I WISH SHE REALIZE THAT TAKE CARE OF ME IS A DISASTER AND THEN KILL ME why my grandmother want me to live?",Suicidal +13654,i have been depressed for about 2 years and I have been using weed to cope but it all seems so pointless. the days morf together evverything seems so dark. help the light at the end of the tunel is fading now,Depression +13655,"I used to have a link to a page where you can talk to someone about your issues when you felt like this but it is been a while since I used it and I cannot find it, i google it and the ones that were free got me no responseMy issues are not big at all, i do not even know why I feel this way i have it pretty good tbh, but I do not have anyone to talk to that I know of at thus hour, and I am embarrassed to talk to someone who I am not close to face to face, i want it to be anonymous, and I am broke.If anyone has something like this please let me know as soon as possible, i used to have self harm issues and i do not want to go back to that shit. Does someone has a link/app/page where I can talk to someone about shit like suicide prevention or whatever",Suicidal +13656,"Hello everyone, I have only recently been seeing this change but it was concerning. I sometimes will try and think about my future plans and goals then just start crying, its kind of got me worried. I have been struggling in thinking about people who I care about and who I love. Whenever I even consider that I could have a relationship with this girl I am close with I just start feeling dread and sadness. I can barely sleep anymore and have lost all interest in my hobbies. Its starting to get difficult just getting out of bed in the morning, I have not seen my friends in weeks. I am just sinking deeper and deeper, I am starting to think there is no hope for me.I am just so tired, so damn tired. Its just getting worse",Depression +13657,"Is this how it all begins? First mocking it, saying I would never do that, then thinking into it, then at some point finding it as a feasible scenario for urself, then later acting on that For the first time in my life, I thought about suicide as a serious path I can choose in the future",Suicidal +13658,So I lost my cat Milo a while ago.. but the lingering effects of the loss is so intense.. it is like my mother died.. I raised him since he was little and had to give him up for financial reasons.. I am just crying sobbing as I type this... it is so heartbreaking.. he was a good cat... losing a pet is so fucking painful... it hurts so fucking much... I think about him all the time and not knowing how he is doing eats me alive... Milo - The Love of My Life,Depression +13659,"Every day I think ""I should kill myself"" and every day I am right. I am miserable all day every day. It is exhausting, I am so fucking tired of living a life I do not even want to live. Everyone I care about is dead, all I have is the festering feeling in my chest where there was once love and caring. I once wanted to fix this world, now I just want it to burn. Why do I continue this bullshit? Unrealistic hope that one day it gets better? The more realistic hope I will become worse of a person that can replace love with the catharsis after a rampage? Too bad no one knows me enough to know what goes through my head in a given day. Maybe someone would appreciate my fortitude, it is not easy to stay alive, but there is a .38 here that would make it real easy to be dead. Just another generic rant.",Depression +13660,MY SISTER did not NEED ME TO KEEP LIVING BUT I NEEDED HER FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKYOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO LOSE THE ONLY PERSON WHO UNDERSTOOD AND LOVED YOUI SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HER! ITS BEEN SIX YEARS IT does not GET BETTER AND I ONLY GET ANGRIER Oh god I should have died instead,Suicidal +13661,"Thanks a lot dad, really appreciate those *encouraging words* right after you told me you never trusted me and tried to blackmail me into going back to college because you are getting a dangerous surgeryI really do not know how to make these words clear to my family-*I do not want to live*I get the same responses everytime+*ah son if only dying was that easy*+*you have to find the will to*+*if you are all day in bed it just gets worse*+*well you are already here*I want to fucking throw up because of angerBut I stay quiet because I do not want to keep fighting my family about this, it frustrates me deeplyThey constantly bug me to take care of my health, I know that, *I have known it for years now* but how the fuck am I supossed to? If I barely have enough strenght to wake upWhat's worse is that they get angry with me about itTheir words hurt, because they shout at me like I was someone who was completely irresponsible everyday and was destroying their lifes, it makes me feel worse because I feel that all the effort I did to be a good son was for nothing because I could not be like my cousins, who they fucking love and always compared me toEven my brother, the only one I had some trust in, does not understand why I cannot handle my depression, even if he himself had to live with it during a year a long time agoI am sorry that I could not be like someone with a normal functioning brain, but I did not choose to be born, in fact I hate that you brought me to live, but even so I tried my best, but I could not anymore, so I had to take another path I wish I never was bornAnyone else would do much better than me in anything, reallyWhat good is someone that cannot even bring himself to stay awake during the day, who is clumsy as hell with his hands, that cannot resist a day of class or work anymore, that cannot even bring himself to do the one thing he likes and that just wants to die every second that he is awakeWhy,Why cannot I just die? ""I have no idea what I want"" ""Then how do you want us to help you""",Depression +13662,My memory sucks. Horribly. Except in the case of any bad/sad/horrible memories. These just keep popping in my head all the damn time. Does anyone have any tips on how to make this stop? How to get rid of repetitive memories/thoughts?,Depression +13663,"&#x200B;I had planned to kill myself last week but ended up not going through with it. This week I had to face the consequences (i.e boss being mad and almost getting fired due to not showing up to work that week). One of the hardest things that I have to deal with while suffering from suicidal thoughts is that despite how at the edge I am, the world does not stop moving Like I could be seconds away from ending it and then a few hours later slaving away at my laptop, because as much as people like to say they understand - your boss does not actually give a shit that you want to blow your brains out. And so to deal with it, I frequently try to pretend that everything around me is not happening to ME but to someone else. Sometimes removing myself from situations makes it more bearable. Does anyone else do this Pretending you are in a dream/movie",Suicidal +13664,"Typical survivor bias. People always say that as if its some kind of chant. Who wants do do rat races for their entire life? Like, seriously? You try, try, try and nothing works. I do not have ANY of the bad habits, I do not waste my time. Every single spare minute that I have I try to exit the god damn rat race. And every time nothing works. There are many people like me. If it really depended on your effort, than half the people on this planet would be millionaires. Yet, there is only 1%. I wonder why, lol... I am sick of the ""You can do everything, if you make an effort"" stigma.",Suicidal +13665,"it is much more complicated than the title, but the short version is that I have lost the desire to do anything in life.I am 28, unemployed and still living with my parents. I graduated from a career I came to hate the more time I spent in college, but did not have the guts to quit when it was time, so now I am stuck with it. Pursuing another major is out of the question. I have no money for that and, most importantly, I do not know what else I would like to study. Anything that once appealed to me just does not, anymore.I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and my therapist did help me through many things. I was younger and wanted to see what could become of me if I actually fought for myself. Now, all that is gone.I hate myself. I hit and insult myself almost daily. I know I need help, professional help, but I do not want it. I know something has to change, but I do not want to.I have thought about this for years, now, and no matter how hard I try, I just cannot find anything to live for. I do not have any goals or objectives, or passions. Even my hobbies seem nothing but mechanical. I cannot find a job and, even if I could and knowing that I have to, if nothing else, to at least have money to live, I do not want to. I know what I am good at, but I do not have any desire of doing that either.I do not want to try. I do not want to fight. I do not want to live.there is two reasons why I have not killed myself. First, I do not want to hurt the people who I know care for me. Second, ultimately I am a coward and cannot bring myself to do it. Maybe that is a good thing.I know my mindset is wrong, but I honestly have no desire of changing. I do not even know what I could do to help myself. Any goals and ambitions I can think of seem pointless. I do not know what would make me happy anymore.What is the point of living if I cannot find a reason to do it?What do I do? I know I need help. I just do not want it.",Depression +13666,"she would not cope with a new owner.I had her in boarding while i was on hospital, and she stopped eating because she was so stressed without me. I cannot do that to her. The only reason i do not kill myself is my cat",Suicidal +13667,"I hate my family, i hate my sisters, My father and father argues and fights everytime, They tell me to be normal but they are not even normal, They fight everytime we are traveling to somewhere, Everytime we go to countryside. They are even fighting while I am writing this. I have never been in the beach or hotel. Because every holiday, even it is holiday we go to the Village, I am not from here, i born in city, i do not want to g there, but every fucking holiday we go to Village and they fight during the traveling. My Mother, she broke my pc. My father and mother do not let me do something fun. One day my father came to the park when i was with my friends, He slapped me in front of my friends, When we were home, he said ""do not talk with those girls"" WTF? why i cannot talk with girls? i do not get it. I want to have new friends, but they do not let me. Whatever i do they find something to be angry with me, When I am home they tell me to go out, when I am outside they tell me to go home, I cannot close my door, i cannot use my headset, cuz they say "" you do not hear us when we call you"" IF I WANTED TO HEAR YOUR DAMNED VOICE I WOULD TAKE OFF THAT HEADSET. I just want to have a nornal family. I want to Go to holiday, i want to have friends. They do not let me have a girlfriend, i do not fucking care. It is enough WHY me?",Suicidal +13668,I have so many changes going on in life that all appear positive to others but make me anxious af and I hate it and I hve no routine right now Nd its killing me. My boyfriend is long distance and I have not seen them since we saw eachother for the first time right before covid hit.. we saw eachother for the first time back then after knowing eachother for 5plus years online. I miss him. I cried for 2 weeks straight after he left and then every other day for a month. I miss him still. I am getting worse mental health wise lately and lately I keep waking up nd wanting to just not exist anymore. I am so tired of it. My best friend keeps being unavailable because they are busy with some girl they like and that would be fine if she was not so complicated. She sends mixed signals knowing he likes her and then constantly rejects him when he asks her to date him. N then they are back to friends and the whole time I am in charge of helping him maintain mental stability whilst he is not available to help my stability. Lately he has been busy for the whole weeks bc she works with him now and so she hangs out with him every day after work and so I cannot text him bc apparently she got mad at him for texting me. But he is my best friend and litterally my only friend other than my boyfriend who is always working. Yes my boyfriend helps me when he can. Idk. I am so tired lately I can barely keep up with my college work and new job training and soon new term that will not be online courses anymore bc they are opening the college up again. I just need someone to be my friend I need someone I can vent to. My boyfriend tries but often he is not good at it and the last 3 or so times I have tried to past 2 months hes just made me cry more and made it worse. Which is not on purpose. I am just so sad all the time when I am supposed to be feeling great bc ik ill be making more money an hr than my rapist will be. Fuck fuck fhck fuck fuck. I spammed my boyfriend while he is working and I regret ot because he is working n I hate it bc my best friend is stressing me out with the current situation he has going on with he girl bc he is trying to self sabotage n I am trying to stop him I just idk i needed to vent myself out. Fuxkig tired of everything,Depression +13669,i think i take 75mg? how many pillstheyre already locked up for the most part but they put them in a pill container so seven is the max. would that be enough to kill me ? how much effexor,Suicidal +13670,"This is according the world health organization. How come countries like Nepal, Afghanistan, and Yemen have amongst the lowest depression rates, while countries like America have such high rates?",Depression +13671,"I have been having suicidal thoughts ever since i was like in 5th grade or so because i felt like a burden on my family, friends and just generally anyone I have interacted with. I have had a really hard time with talking to people too, and everyone in my family judges me for it. They are not wrong in doing so but a lot of the times i physically cannot open my mouth and speak. I got a girlfriend around my freshman year in highschool and despite that the thoughts did not go away. I really was happy at times and imagined us living together after getting married and that, but a few years later we broke up. Even though she said she did not want to get married I think she is lying to me. She told me that she did not want to get into any relationships until a few years later, only to get into one about a week later. This and other incidents of her lying to me made me more sad than i ever had been. Compounding all those other reasons i felt that those years we were together were all a lie which sucks when she could have been the person to pull me out of wanting to kill myself. The suicidal thoughts have gotten to the point to where I am almost always thinking about gruesome ways in which i can kill myself or be killed by others. I have even slipped up and asked my ex to kill me in a begging kind of way. I told her ""Kill me"" over and over to her face and I am ashamed of having done that. The thing is, despite all of this I have only cried once in about 3 years and I am certain of that. It was when my ex and I broke up. I do not know why or how this happened but i cannot cry anymore no matter how hard i try. I hurt myself physically and mentally and nothing seems to do it. Every thought becomes more and more bloody and that and i even picture my familys reaction to it; nothing. I have become obsessed with trying to make myself cry and i even draw a hypothetical of what my suicide might look like. I will not be killing myself anytime soon because I am Catholic and do not want my family to feel bad; the whole shtick. But has anyone else not been able to cry or can you relate to any of this? I cannot talk about this to anyone else but i have some anonymity on here so i felt safe in posting this. Thank you. I cannot cry anymore.",Suicidal +13672,"I am sick and tired of just about everything. I hate my job and spend 40+ hours a week doing useless shit that I do not give a fuck about and that helps no one. I look to apply for other jobs and see more of the same boring mundane bullshit. I set aside the money that I earn from work to put towards some stupid ""dream"" or ""goal"" that I am supposed to have, but I have no fucking clue what it is.All the paths that I am expected to take are a load of bullshit. I have no intrest in starting some ""career"" that will not mean jack shit once I am dead. I do not care about having kids or starting a family, why would I want to drag them into existence? To try and navigate the shithole society that is only going to get worse? If they took after me, they would probably not want to exist either, with the way the world is. I honestly think I do not even care about relationships anymore either. I do not ""hate"" people per se, but nowadays I find most people to be such a bore to be around, and only have a small group of friends and family who I find tolerable. I would never want to just settle for whoever came along at the right time, it would be unfair on them for me to not be entirely committed, so I do not understand the point of holding out for my perfect match who does not even exist, thinking that one day they will suddenly come along.I just do not know what to do. I used to think things like ""I wish I could just disappear"", but now I WANT to exist to experience the amazing things that I am sure are out there, but I do not know what they are. It ends up being a more frustrating concept than wanting to vanish, because you are wanting to exist for something that you are not even sure of, and it creates layers of complex and contradicting thoughts and feelings.I just want to stop following this shitty road laid out by society towards a ""successful"" life of pointless bullshit and take the scenic route, but I do not feel like I know what that scenic route even is, or how to get there. I want to live a life I know I have thoroughly enjoyed, and ideally to have left something worthwhile behind once it is over.I want a reason to wake up in the morning. I do not want to feel like I am wasting my time anymore. Tired of the whole thing. do not even know what to do anymore.",Depression +13673,But anyone want to end it together? I was going to look for tall buildings that I can go to here in Toronto but we may do it some other way as well if you have something in mind. I do not know if this is the right sub to post this because I am not looking for any advice. This may sound a bit weird,Suicidal +13674,"I am sick of working long hours. cannot maintain a relationship because I cannot fuck girls likes very other guy out there. I hate everything. I wish I was not here because I am fucked up, almost 30 and cannot even have sex, and I feel like its not worth it being here anymore.",Suicidal +13675,"I do not care about anything. Good news or bad. Exciting events or not. Making conversations is like the other person is talking to a brick wall who contributes nothing at all. I have no interests, no hobbies, no work ethic, no relationships (never been in one). I hate working, hate studying. IDC about maintaining any relationships with friends or family whatsoever or even maintaining CONVERSATIONS. Am I fucked up? I just do not give a fuck about living life anymore. I feel like I have lost my battle with depression Always apathetic, always numb",Depression +13676,"Hello,I am not expecting much progress (if any at all) since its only the second day, but I figured at least by doing this Id feel some type of hope or gain some type of leverage over my thoughts. Nope. Just headaches from overthinking & outside forces building up stress. Is it tomorrow yet? Feels like yesterday. I would like something to look forward to. Day #2 07/21/2021 1:28AM CST",Suicidal +13677,"cannot do anything right i keep fucking shit up why me just why, I am hacked now what suicide maybe. I am tired of my mental state i have completely lost it. i have done dumb shit and now i am paying for it, all because i thought i had arthritis. fuck everything why my whole life is over I am done might as well kill my self",Suicidal +13678,"Tw: SA, over dramatic life storytelling PSA, it does get better. but not if your brains chemically imbalanced.the suicidal thoughts started in grade six, i remember because in class i drew this picture, a picture of a girl (me) that just blew her brains out with a pistol. my teacher saw it on my desk & i was reported etc they called my mom i had to go to the counseller twice or whatever. funniest part is my drawing was caption goodbye cruel world i was 11 or whatever, what did i even know about how cruel the world is.going into grade 11, same 5 words pass my lips everyday. I am going to kill myself. its almost comforting. when I am breaking down i repeat it to myself, it usually goes like this. i am going to kill myself. i am going to kill myself. i am going to kill myself. i am going to kill myself & it will all be okay, it will all be better.it brings a sense of relief.i have never actually tried to kill myself, yeah I have sat down & started swallowing some pills but I have stopped myself, who uses pills anyway, the success rate is not in my favour. its been 5, going on 6 years since I have had a day without being suicidal. i am 16. this is not the way it should be. i forget there is literally people that do not have suicide cross their mind at every inconvenience, maybe that just makes me over dramatic.worst part is i put myself in all the situations I have had to overcome. grade 8- guy(grade 11) asked me to come hug him at lunch, he did more than hug me. in his defence i did flirt with him, i did send him things. at that point i had not even had my first kiss, of course everything i said to him was bs, i just wish i made it clearer. i spent the rest of that day in the bathroom scrubbing my skin, followed by a silent bus ride & the longest shower when i got home.grade 9- i know some people say your boyfriend cannot r4pe you. but he did. i said no so many times i lost count. when i asked him if he heard me he said yeah but i was just too horny aight. he would not let me leave him, he harassed me & said my death would be on him if i left. i sound insane for staying but you really do not know what those words feel like till you are in that situation. i feel jacked for missing him, i miss him, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life & i want it back. atleast i knew someone loved me enough to threaten to kill me if i leaved them. grade 10- started online schooling permanently. i cannot deal with seeing my ex. the year my attraction to guys my age completely vanished. not going to mention any details of my current bf, just know I am not getting better, i am not healing, i am damaged & leeched onto the first boy, man* that showed me any attention. he is not hurting me to make that clear i just know this is wrong & its just damaging me further. the relationship technically is not illegal. but its not something he would want people to know, because yes, it would make people lose respect for him. i do not know what is wrong with me, I have never been to a therapist or anything. but i do not think its normal, i cannot have more than two consecuative good days. if i do you best know the third day ends with me & a bottle of pills having a stare down.i am afraid, i am afraid because when i was sitting there with a bottle of pills i used to think about how my best friend would feel, used to make me bawl my eyes at the thought of leaving her alone. that thought does not make me cry anymore. i am afraid of having a worse day than normal & it ending with me lynching myself. because nothing is keeping me here, i do not feel guilty about leaving anymore. one more push & its over .on top of everything i do not get my period anymore, hardly anyways. breaks my heart, but i guess its for the best. i would be a terrible mom. it does not get better",Depression +13679,"I have achieved a lot in my 23 years of life. I am extremely fortunate to have friends who I have fun with and parents who are there for me. I have a fantastic job that I will be starting in a couple weeks. Everything should be all fine, right?Last year at around this time, I was drinking myself numb most nights. And when I would drink, I would write letters to myself, I would draw, and sometimes I would harm myself. The hole in my chest was so big. I gave up on all my friends and even myself. I realized that I needed to disappear because there is not any point in living if you are not held, why go on if you cannot believe in someone else?Now, a year later and deep down, that hole is still there. I have tried focusing on the positives but it is still there. I do not know how much longer I can take being alone. I want to find someone that I can believe in. I need someone to believe in. I hate the pangs of loneliness that I cannot get rid of even when I am with others. Sometimes, I even miss the wreck I was last year because at least I was dealing with my emotions rather than ignoring them.Everything I do feels hollow because there is not anyone in my life who understands how awful I really feel. what is the point in living if you are not understood?",Depression +13680,Where do you aim to kill please How successful is suicide by pistol?,Suicidal +13681,"Recently I think I have been a horrible person, I have been drinking a lot, making mistakes, I have lost quite a lot of people and my mental health is worse that it has ever been. Me and my boyfriend are having problems too, we have barely seen each other in the last couple months and have broken up and got back together more times than i can count. Yet he is the only person i feel like i can be relaxed around, like i can be myself around.After having a really shitty night where i went out for the first time in months, and my friends ended up all going home leaving me on my own, for me to see my boyfriend the next day and have an argument with him because he wanted me to leave when i really just needed him I have decided its for the best that i just kill myself today. I have no one to talk to about it and i just wanted to get it off my chest so i can leave some form of goodbye even if its to strangers on a subreddit. This is for the best, i feel like I have only become a worse person recently and i do not know how to stop it other than by doing this. If anyone i know figures out this is me, I am sorry for being so shitty and i hope your life is better after I am gone.The things I have said might seen minor but the anxiety and guilt i feel is enough to make me throw up multiple times a day, i cannot bear feeling like this anymore. I am ending it today",Suicidal +13682,"i have wanted to die since sixth grade. really, i wish i was never born. but now i know I am closer than ever. I have picked a method. I am brainstorming what to put in my suicide note. i know exactly why I am doing it: because the best parts of my life are over and the worst parts are too painful and too frequent. I have been abandoned by the best person i will ever be close to. I have become a terrible version of myself. I am lonely. I am full of anxiety and anger and sadness. I need to kill myself. In a way, it feels like what I was always supposed to do. I just need to decide when. i am closer to suicide than ever before",Suicidal +13683,"they are the only one stopping me from committing. i fear this pandemic is going to take them away from me bc they are not healthy and i am powerless to stop it. literally no one else cares about us and if they leave, i will finally do it. if anyone else is in a close situation to this please tell me, it feels like the whole world is stacked against us, we are so alone with no money family or home :( the one person i love in the world might be gone soon and it will kill me",Suicidal +13684,that is it. That is so unfortunate and unlucky me. Unfortunately I am still alive.,Suicidal +13685,"I keep looking back about 2 years ago and yearn to be that version of myself. I was happy, thriving, I got excited about things and now I am just floating. I do not feel right. I cannot pinpoint a specific thing that happened that made me this way. I think it was all very gradual. Maybe COVID made it worse? My parents came to visit me recently, I have not seen them in a year. Were very close and I was not excited. I had to fake it but all the while I was sitting there like, meh. I do not get rushes of adrenaline, I do not laugh until I cry, I do not feel butterflies, I really just do not feel much except that I am just here and existing. What is wrong with me? I have lost myself and I want to find me again",Depression +13686,"I keep looking back 2 years ago and yearn to be her. I was happy, thriving, I got excited about things and now I am just floating. I do not feel right. I cannot pinpoint a specific thing that happened that made me this way. I think it was all very gradual. Maybe COVID made it worse? My parents came to visit me recently, I have not seen them in a year. Were very close and I was not excited. I had to fake it but all the while I was sitting there like, meh. I do not get rushes of adrenaline, I do not laugh until I cry, I do not feel butterflies, I really just do not feel much except that I am just here and existing. What is wrong with me? I have really lost myself. How do I get her back?",Depression +13687,"A little bit about me, I am 16 (m), have family and friends who care about me and have actively tried to see it through about helping me with mental health. The problem? I do not use it. I cannot get myself to do it. Everyday I sleep less and less, get angrier and angrier. Recently I have noticed something about myself, as much as I hate the thought of suicide, it still comes back to me. Like to haunt me or just get me to do it. In my closet there is a rope for you know what, and 350$ stuffed away in case I want to just run away. Is that weird? Is it weird that I find comfort in knowing that 6 feet to my left is a way to end it all, or to try and get a fresh start? I do not hate my life, but at the same time I do.Late 2020 - early 2021 has been the lowest point in my life and as much as I want to say that I have gotten over it all, it just simply is not true. Feels more like kicking the can. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have dug a hole so deep that there is only two options, kill myself or run away. I have been getting worse over the past month...",Depression +13688,I also take a sleeping pill for my insomnia. But Do any of you guys get nightmares while on your antidepressants? Mine have increased lately. I am not as anxious or down as I normally am so I do not understand. Is this a side effect? Wondering if there is a way to stop it (dumb question I know) I just hate it because I wake up feeling quite drained and disturbed. Nightmares on antidepressants?,Depression +13689,"I am 15f (not a native english speaker), never went to therapy and I do not have the courage to ask my parents, not bc they are bad or smth like that, but bc I do not feel like opening up about why I would want to do it. My life is pretty good, I have almost nothing to complain about. But this year I have been feeling super stressed about school and entrance exams, I just hate studying but I do it bc I have to (my grades are very good but I still feel guilty for not wanting to go to college only to study more and work after). I do not have a career I want to follow and it worries me (like what the hell am I going to do?). I have been having existencial crisis regularly, and it tightens my chest everytime I think about how I dislike life in itself and the whole pain of being alive.I do not do the things I liked before, I cannot find motivation do to anything anymore. I pass my days on my phone, sometimes studying or chatting with my parents. it is kind of boring. I do not feel sad all the time, but I feel empty. I laugh and I can be happy about good things that happen to me, but modt times I am just existing. When I think about my future I am not hopeful, I do not want to study or work. I want to be nothing, I often think it would be better if I did not exist and that I do not have many motives to continue living (tho I do not plan on self harming). I am on vacation from school but I am sleeping very late (2am/3am) and I feel guilty about that too, I wish I could be motivated to wake up and be productive.I feel like a failure these days. I am not as cool and funny as before, I am not as smart as before. And I am too dependant on my parents, I cannot cook or do a complete housecleaning for example. I do not know how to live independently, I will be an adult in 2 years but I cannot do anything by myself (my parents also said that to me). I am living my life on autopilot, I need people telling me what to do. I feel like I am lazy, sometimes I do not eat bc making like simple sandwich seems too much work.I am crying even more recently bc idk what to do. My mind is a confusing mix of ""you are depressed"" and ""stop wanting to have a mental illness just bc you think it is cool"". I feel like a bad sister bc I am too rude to my little sister, I do not show much affection towards her and I do not play with her that much (I feel so guilty about it but I cannot help it, when I see I already did all these things). And a bad daughter bc I do not help my mother at chores as much as she needs. I am so tired of living with regrets, I regret that I was not a bettet person every single day. I cannot seem to change myself.Sorry about my rant, I hope I can find good advice here. You can ask me anything if you need more info. Am I depressed?",Depression +13690,"I will never be attractive enough. I will never be funny enough. I will never be anything to anyone but a background character that is never anyone's first thought. I seriously do not understand why people tell me that I am attractive and mean it ""sincerely"" but whenever my confidence boosts and I try to get back into dating I just get nothing. No matches online, in-person shit just fizzles out. How the fuck have the majority of people had multiple relationships and lost their virginity in their teens and what the fuck went wrong where I did not? At this point I am resentful of my parents for even giving birth to me. I did not ask for this life and I did not ask to be alive. I am just done. Dating is impossible.",Depression +13691,"Please hear me out for a second. I feel a difference in my day to day work. I believe I have had depression since about 4.5 years with the middle two years being absolutely peaked out with self harm and constant impulsive suicidal thoughts.As of now I would not say I am suicidal, but I am not grateful for my life either. I am in final year of my UG.So since past few months I have been noticing that I am taking more time than usual while performing tasks like numerical calculations, solving integrals having trouble in remembering code syntax, solving problems etc.I usually know when I am in a bad mental state and not counting those times when I am not efficient. But my normal vanilla processing power looks like it is declining.Since last 1.5 years I have been actively trying to be aware of my feelings and surroundings, so I really feel the difference and it is kind of making me pretty angry now.I am actually surprised to see such a noticeable difference and I am not going to lie, it is scary. Therapy is very expensive here and in lockdown with my parents right now, I have tried to explain mental health to them and I have given up, all I get is arguments and 'man up'.Any help will be really appreciated. I just noticed that I am unable to process things as efficiently as I used to. Are my cognitive abilities actually deteriorating?",Depression +13692,"This is not about them being bad friends.Its about the fact that I no longer want to be the person I was when we became friends.When I first got to college three years ago, I was dealing with a ton of anxiety and waves of depression. Just months before, I was a self-proclaimed happy person. Definitely the happiest I have ever been. I was confident, social, energized, bubbly, fun, happy.I guess college was just more overwhelming than I expected, I do not know. That part does not really matter. Bottom line: I made my friends when I was not my favorite version of myself. Now, almost three years later, I have the same friends, and nothing has changed.For a while I figured, wow I am so glad I have them, what would I do without them during these hard times? But then it kind of hit me all at once, that I was not changing. I was not getting better. I was at best staying the same, but honestly getting worse. It was not because of anyone or anything, it was just because I had convinced myself that this was my role. This was who I was. The introverted, quiet, boring but wise friend. The adorable, shy one who is really good at listening and giving advice, who will always drop everything for her friends.Yeah, I am glad they see some of my strengths. Its not that they see me in a bad way, but to be honest, its not who I want to be. Its not who I used to beand I think that is the hardest part, knowing that I have been the other version of me before, and I was happier. I just do not remember how I got there, and even if I do get back there, my role all of my current friendships will be completely different. I do not like the way my friends see me.",Depression +13693,"I have been suicidal since i was 10. lately I have been hearing that a crisis is usually short-lived, but considering how many times I have tried and either chickened out or failed, I am not too sure. it is just always been there. I am no longer looking for support. all i want is a website or something where they encourage this. i cannot get encouragement anywhere else and i cannot find anything out there, but I am sure there has to be sites, right? a site where they encourage this and the best way to do it, so I do not have to be scared.thanks for reading. again, i do not know if this type of post is even allowed. but I am running out of options. I am not sure if this type of post is allowed, but I am desperate",Suicidal +13694,"i do not know what is wrong with me. last week was so good. i was meditating, working out, i had my life together. i was actually looking forward for the next day. but this week, its been shit. absolute hell. i do not even feel excited or feel anything when I am out w friends. todays my birthday, I am 16 and i do not want to celebrate shit. sweet 16 is a once in a lifetime, and I am wasting it. i do not want to socialize with people, yet i want to. i do not want to do anything. i do not know how i feel. i just know that i want to do it. i want to do it but the only thing stopping me r my parents. i feel so horrible already knowing what their reaction will be. obviously i would do it somewhere other than my house but still. fuck. I am just so confused. i just want to cry. that is all i want to do. even tho most of the times i cannot. I am just so angry and bothered most of the time and than feel nothing for the rest of the time. fuck fuck fuck i fucking hate everything i jus want to end it all i do not know anymore",Suicidal +13695,"Everything hurts. My therapist told me to go on a walk so I did. It helped a little but it does not stop the pain. I do not care how it will affect my family and friends, I just want it to stop. Please make it go away It hurts",Suicidal +13696,"Why am I forced to go through all this bullshit of having to do all this irritating planning in secret and contemplate deeply between the accessibility, reliability, painfulness and time until death of various methods etc.? Why cannot I just go into a suicide booth like in Futurama or something and just have it be as simple and hassle-free as that? it is so frustrating that I have to jump through all these hoops to just to even earn the basic fucking right of not dying horrifically. Fuck. Why the hell cannot I just walk up to some clinic, sign some stuff and just request to be put down like a sick animal?",Suicidal +13697,"I am tired of people telling me I am attractive but nobody actually wants to date me. No matches anywhere online, nothing. i know I am going to be alone forever and id rather get it done early and save myself the pain and waste of time i keep visualizing myself doing it",Suicidal +13698,To legalize euthanasia for the mentally ill. Democrats are in power and are the only ones who would consider something like this. Write to your senators and representatives,Suicidal +13699,"I (20F) am currently taking birth control pills but sometimes I have days where the side effects of depression hit me hard and I suffered from depression during my teenage years so I understand how bad it can get for me.One time I remember convincing myself how much I wanted to kill myself and that I do not deserve to be here, but the next day I was okay again. I feel I am kind of entering another small episode of the side effect and I do not know how to deal with it as I am losing motivation to do anything.Because of this I feel its impacted my relationship with my (24M) bf, we have been together for 4 months, as I will have days where I would just be on edge and short tempered for no reason which caused a small fight between us. After I explained why I did what I did and it seemed to have gone wellI just want advice on how to better control my emotions, as I feel I am becoming more anxious and prone to having a depressive episode than before and I do not want this to impact the relationship negatively, and end up with me over thinking on things. I can feel the depression coming back",Depression +13700,I am tired of feeling this way. is anything real? am i real? are these my hands? i wish i could sleep forever. I am going out tomorrow to buy a blade and I am going to start starving myself again to cope. why was i ever born if i was going to be living like this? i just want to sleep forever,Suicidal +13701,"So I got up and the feeling I felt in my body was different it felt good to me and I kind of felt like I was sleepy a bit, I felt a lightly cold electric feeling all throughout my body so I did it again and again each time was a little longer and each time felt better, is that it? Will this actually feel good and just like that all of my problems will go away? If so I am going to punch my ticket soon because I am sick of being on this fucking planet. I just put a belt around my neck in my closet then leaned downward just to see how it feels, I felt myself fading away",Suicidal +13702,I am a 45 year old man and the one question i have never been able to figure out completely.Why is it the easiest person to lie to is ourselves? I have lied to myself so many times over the years and i know they are lies because i am the one who makes it up and yet i choose to believe it even though i know it will hurt me. The deepest scars on my soul are from lies i chose to believe as true. just a question i have asked myself all my life.,Depression +13703,"I hope someone kills me. I want it to be fast. I just want this to be fucking over. If I do not make it until tomorrow, I hope my brother has a good birthday. Ill probably live since I am a fucking pussy. I do not want to do it myself I want someone else to do it. I hate everything",Suicidal +13704,"My view on the world and myself has been disturbingly warped since I watched 'Atomic Black Pill' videos. That virtually all Women reserve themselves for the top 10% of Men, practically worshiping them. I am not going to go in too much detail as I already posted about it on Reddit and there is plenty of videos on the subject on YouTube. This newly found perspective absolutely destroyed my mind, self image and will to live. I only see four paths I can take from here on out, all options would create a personal Hell either way. I can let it corrupt my mentality, body and soul and instead of my life being fueled by my now dead aspirations, dreams, love, wonder, faith in a better tomorrow I instead function on pure hate. The hate in my heart will burn hot enough to get me through everyday life and to actually complete goals, reaching all types of success. The hate will overpower my desire to be loved hence surviving without it. This is the route I have been taking the past week and it works surprisingly well, better than any other thing I tried in years. The only thing is, I will lose my sense of self, lose my humanity and over time die inside. I noticed taking this route, I am perceived as the bad guy and people root for my demise which admittedly makes me feel worse. Maybe, the ""Me VS The World"" mentality will make me comfortable being full of spite, at this point it is survival.Another option I can see is to accept defeat and continue living the rest of my life how I do now. Lonely, suffering so much emotional pain and lack of motivation that I can barely get up to brush my teeth. Completely devoid of my old passions like gaming and watching movies which leaves me stranded on the couch, facing the wall most of the day feeling disgusting and depressed. This is the most brutal route and the most sufferable. This is my last resort if the other two options fail. My third option of the three is to kill myself. I tried it once or twice before but always failed, admittedly I was less knowledgeable of suicide techniques back then. Now, I barely have the will to go all the way through with it anymore but my new plan is to start taking illegal drugs like Xanax to numb my pain. I will deliberately get addicted and more numb until I find myself able to take 10 to 30 all at once. I heard this is a peaceful way to pass away, definitely so if you listen to your favorite songs as you overdose.The final option is to do what society expects me to do. Shut up and accept my role as inferior, eventually killing off my bad genes. Accept that since I am average looking I am simply a background character. To just stop fidgeting and whining and getting in the main cast solo shots. Only associate with other background characters and accept I deserve less, get off my high horse like Women has told me. I know people will disagree with my beliefs and maybe dismiss me as playing victim but I am trying my very, absolute best to be as transparent as possible. I seriously do not see any other way and I want help. Try to be understanding, if you think there is something I am missing or there is something else, please, share. If you want to mercilessly bash me, feel free to. If you think I am a whining pussy, go ahead and tell me. Seriously, any third person insight will be extremely helpful and nurturing to my character development.If you want to just down vote and move along or not even acknowledge my existence in the first place, I am comfortable with that, as well. Worst case scenario, I document my struggles and experiences so if I do make that final leap and I am gone, my loved ones will be able to google search my name and they will see these strings of subreddit posts. No matter what path I choose I always lose",Depression +13705,I do not know how much longer I can stop myself I am getting closer every day,Suicidal +13706,"I just want to die I am going to do it, I am not going to be successful in what I love doing, my girlfriend has to break up with me because of her dad but I really hope she can find a way to convince her I even prayed, she makes me so happy. My friends are more successful than me even if they are not trying to and just for fun I have been trying for five years and they get it so much quicker. I will not say what I like doing. My friends all have so many friends and I only have like four except two of them I do not even talk to as much, one I kind of do sometimes and the other two I do, also I have bad luck, I will not explain what happens but I know there are others who have it worse. I am just so close to doing it though, I already know how I am going to do it I just need to plan a few other things. I just want to die",Suicidal +13707,"I have (20m) been feeling really good about myself lately. I got a new job, started going to the gym, started therapy for the first time, and got back in contact with an old friend. I was doing great. I felt really better about myself and had a lot of energy I had not had in a while.I was doing a really good job of getting myself out of a depression home and now I feel like I have been kicked back into it.I did not go to the gym for a week because I felt sick and now I feel really fat and I just absolutely hate my body. I feel really fucking ugly and I am worried Ill never get the body I want. Right now I way 193 pounds and I am 5 feet 5 inches. I want to be around 160/150 but I feel like Ill never get there.Then that old friend I have been talking too is really confusing me. He says some weird stuff out of nowhere that sends mixed signals and its confusing. Its like hell dance around a topic instead of just saying how he really feels. Hes been a good friend so far, I just wish he would be more upfront and maybe just a little more attentive.Then my job is stressing me out. there is always drama and it always disrupts the environment. I mean its incredibly hard to work when people are yelling and threatening one another.I have talked to my therapist about some of this but we do not see each other for two weeks and I am really struggling. Had a depression relapse.",Depression +13708,"I started my first job, 5 months ago, and I do not like almost everything about it. The people are hypocrite s, the try to shift blame, no proper management, training is ok but could be better , they brag how they do not have a culture of senior or junior , the work itself I do not like it etc. I think I was like almost burnt out 1-2 months ago, it was terrible, the crying, the brain fog, the sadness , everything. I can leave as I do not have any actual experience yet, it is all training . Also, I live with my toxic family that is full of narcissists. The daily insults, gaslighting, denial, invalidation, manipulation, struggle and abuse is too much . I do not know how much I can handle all this. I have been struggle through depression and anxiety since I can remember. I do not have an better option for now, so I want to ask how to deal with all this . Any advice /experience is welcome. Thanks for reading! How to handle your job while suffering from depression and anxiety?",Depression +13709,"It sounds sadistic, I know; but I cannot think of any other way. it is hard to hurt someone like that when you are alive. Wish I could kill myself so I can hurt those who have hurt me",Suicidal +13710,"Does anyone want to game or chat or trade memes or something? I would sleep, but I cannot. I am struggling tonight, but I do not want to let my people down more. Tomorrow, I can sort out a real safety net. For now, memes? If anyone is up for it. Distract, distract, distract",Suicidal +13711,"how do i fix myselfits not school itself, i love learning, on my own terms atleast. I am behind, and i am tired, I have been procrastinating so much I am just getting more behind, i just tried to do some work, instead i sat and on and off cried then finally decided to close my laptop, shut off the lighs & lay in bed, once again making me one more day behind. does one day really matter at this point? yeah it does but i continue to procrastinate all day then cry because i feel so stressed even thinking about my school. it makes me want to die and schools not the problem, i am. i have all the time in the world to do my school. i have no real problems. but i sit here & cry because of my own decisions. in 9 days i will get the email that i failed this class, my mom will be pissed, is not that funny. i do not want to be alive. it does not even matter. i just do not care, i just want to jump. schools the reason I am depressed",Depression +13712,"Its been a long time since I have cried. Its been even longer since I have truly had the urge to care about something. When I was in the 10th grade, I tried a percocet for the first time with a group of my friends. It was that moment that haunts my life to this day. I upgraded to straight fentanyl after a while, and it became apparent that I did not make enough to afford my addiction. After ruining about all of my relationships by either stealing or borrowing money from my closest family and friends, I went on to ask random strangers Id see at the gas station or distant colleagues. My life was shit before the drug usage. Parents divorced, dad a drug addict, mom a whore, and me a bipolar, anxious, scared person- there was not an absolute reason I should not be using in my mind. After a couple of years of failed attempts of being off and on sober, I decided I was going to end it all. However, that did not work. My tolerance was to a point that made it very difficult to OD on. On my final attempt, however, I bought 30 pills. Stimulus check helped me there. I drove to a spot that was public so my body would be found, and I snorted 15 of those pills. After woken by police, it was obvious that did not work the way I wanted it to. Court ordered to rehab, I went through the entire 3 month program flawlessly. Using my previous knowledge of rehabilitations spit outs, and a some what will to make myself better, I came out feeling sad. I knew Id miss my peers and even some of the counselors. That brings us to a year later. I have stayed clean, however I have had constant suicidal thoughts and plans circling my mind for months. I do not know if I should or not, but I just want this dark comedy of a life to end. My friends do not talk to me. I miss both my ex girlfriends. I am trying to move on but everything has came with more obstacles than promised. If I do it soon, I hope it will all be worth it in the end. My concern is I am wrong about no afterlife. I do not know, maybe",Suicidal +13713,"I am currently on Lexapro for anxiety and depression, and its been great. Its helped my anxiety a lot, I do not constantly feel like something bad is going to happen, and overall my depression has gotten better.there is a bit of a catch 22 though, because Lexapro makes me less empathetic and lately I have been feeling like a complete asshole. This makes me feel like a shitty person and does not help my depression/anxiety.I have always been cold and a total jerk, but now that I am a little older I realize that is not who I want to be, and I have worked on changing it. Except now its hard since medication makes me care less about others (or is simply making me act like the real me).I do not want to go into too much detail but my cycle is usually I start being too nice to everyone, get dumped aside, hurts me and I go cold. On lexapro, I am cold. I am selfish, manipulative, arrogant and would do almost anything to get my way even if it hurt somebody.Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like a cold hearted monster lol :( I feel like I am a bad person makes me more depressed",Depression +13714,"I have read many posts here, but nothing felt quite relatable. Yeah, I had some things happen to me in the past, child neglect, early passing of parent, raped as a kid and again as a teen, but I do not want to put an end of my life because of this, as I genuinely do not care. Heck, I could be abused tomorrow and would not care. Things that should be traumatic to me are not, memories do not haunt me nothing at all. I do not want to die because I hate myself, or because my life is miserable. I do not like myself or love my life either, but these things do not make me suicidal. I am not sad, I am just lazy af to do anything. I am quite on a successful way when it comes to wealth and education, but I just do not see the point of it all. There is no purpose, I do not have a reason to live, I am only making excuses to not die. I do not have a goal, because I do not feel like working towards one. I am just too lazy to do anything at all. I do not want to be important or significant, because it requires too much energy. Idk, its hard to explain but I see life as a game. People like to play a game because of the achievements, ranks, status, goals etc. But I am too lazy to even open it. Life is just meaningless to me, and people have told me do things that make you happy, look for a meaning, but they do not realize, that it feels like such a chore, I am already too unmotivated to look for a purpose. I want to die, because life is such a waste of time and energy. Happy moments are temporary, but happy moments I am going to do not make me want to live. There is just no reason to be here, friends and family, they can deal with death, I already quite distanced myself from them, yeah they will be sad, but they are strong enough to get up and live. Not that you may have reached the end, what gets you out of bed? Because there is no purpose",Suicidal +13715,"I have been trying to, but every time I fail I fall into a deeper depression, I have been teling myself that everything is going to be better for more than a decade, but that is not true, everything gets worse and worse every day. Not even succeeding at failing",Suicidal +13716,"I am probably not going to due to many reasons but that does not clear the fact that I want to.I have not been happy in months and I have barely left my room, everything that made me happy either left me, broke, or I pushed it away.The only fuxking thing I am looking forward to is sleeping on my dad's comfy ass couch. I have missed 2 weeks worth of summer school and I have to make it up in 8 days All of my friends are stoners, and everyone I date has turned gay or trans.I have nothing to look forward to, nobody cares about me, and I am going to die alone. I am thinking about killing myself",Depression +13717,"I do not do anything serious in self harm but i scratch myself pretty badly and it really just does not bother me. I noticed that when i feel pain i have no reaction to it and i stay pretty stoic while its happening. Anyways, i thought i stopped caring about my problems. I have not, I have just gotten a lot less emotional about it. I used to cry about every night, i guess I have just had enough so now i just feel it all on the inside. I started being an asshole to my friends again, i do not really care about it though i just thought it was worth mentioning. Thanks for reading this if you did. It means a lot. If you did please comment that you did because more than anything it helps to know that people are listening. Thank you. Pain does not bother me anymore",Suicidal +13718,"Can somebody please care? Just for once, can someone beg me not to? I am going to cut the skin off my body where he touched me",Suicidal +13719,But its not really working and I just feel empty inside I am doing fucking whatever just to feel something,Depression +13720,"Hi guys, I got my diagnosis back in November and its all just gone to shit since then. I also have very severe anxiety but my therapist does not want to put me on meds, but I am starting to feel hopeless. Nothing is working. I have tried so many things- working out, journaling, all sorts of self care, mindfulness, even just wallowing- and nothing seems to be doing anything. Its been like seven months since my diagnosis and I know I have struggled with this a lot longer than that.What do you guys do when you have one of those days where getting out of bed is a daunting task, and you want to talk to your friends so badly but you also do not want to burden them with the contents of your soul? I do not even have that many friends to begin with because of online school and people kind of just forgetting me. A close friend and my ex just started hanging out and that is only adding to my pain. And I have a medical condition making it hard for me to participate in my favorite activities over summer. A grown ass teacher told all of my friends to cut me off because I was having an awful time and honestly had no idea they were resenting me because of it. I do not want to die, but I also just wish I could sleep for a really long time. I do not know what to do anymore. Having a really rough time today",Depression +13721,"Everything has been great lately. For the first time in years I have a place to live. I work often, have wonderful housemates, I am in therapy, I am sober and finally speaking to my family again. But I am miserable all the time.I do not want to talk to anybody, I do not want to leave the house, I would stay in bed all day if I could. I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I do not understand why.Is this depression? What can I do? Why am I feeling like this?",Depression +13722,I just want this to end. I really FFFFing cannot i cannot i cannot i cannot i cannot i want to end this please just what is the fing point of trying again. I have nothing. Nothing. I cannot take it anymore.,Suicidal +13723,"I keep using distractions to cope with how I feel. I watch Netflix and go on my phone for hours. I hate doing it and as a result of doing it for so long I feel so bored. But I cannot stop because the second I do I am reminded of what life is actually like. I hate it here. So many social issues, health issues, and climate issues. Not to mention my own problems. I genuinely want to die. Honestly do not see the point. What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life? I wish I never existed. I feel bad saying that though because I know the people around me would be so hurt. I just have this pain in my heart that will not leave. No matter what I do. I do not want to be here anymore. I just do not think life is worth all the trouble. I hate it here",Suicidal +13724,I thought I was handling my emotions better and getting better mentally as I grew up but after quarantine it just got worse. I cried every day and I thought this year would be better but I feel like I am just sinking into a never ending abyss. I do not know what to do anymore and I feel more lonely as the days go by. I want to get better but none of my favorite things make me happy anymore. Alone,Depression +13725,"Hi. This is the first time that I post something here. Also, English is not my first language so, sorry about the bad grammar:( I am writing here because I am in that point of my life where I do not know what to do anymore. I know that this may sound like a very common thought in this sub, but I think that my situation is a little different from the rest. I have been dealing with a deep sadness and a terrible lack of sleep during the past two months. I do not get a properly rest and I feel like my mind is slowly going to hell. College was easy for me, but not anymore. I feel dumb, I forget things very easily and everything seems foggy. I use to be extremely perfectionist with my classes and not be able to get the results I want anymore is just frustrating. This makes me feel depressed, because even before this problem started, my life was not as good as I would want, this just made me even consider suicide. I even tried two times, but I did not succeed. I am incompetent even for thatI know that I should look for professional help, but that is the problem. Its like, on the one hand I know that I need help but on the other hand I do not want it. I do not know how to properly explain that , and yeah, I know, it is pretty stupid. Maybe is the fear to be judged, or maybe I already became insane, who knows. Look, I do not have many friends to talk, and the few that I do I do not think they will understand. My parents, well They do not know about this. I still have a little of contact with them, but I am not sure if it could be a good idea tell them this, because I do not want to because them more problems. Mom is receiving chemotherapy and she is obviously not in her best moment. I do not know what is next. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that it is going to be okay. To give me some hope, or at least give me a plausible or compelling reason to get help and talk about this out. Well, that is all, I think. Thank you for reading. And have a nice day. I just want some hope.",Depression +13726,Funny how people can say that it gets better when everything is pointless and even the moments of joy in life are fleeting. How can someone say it gets better with such certainty when there is never truly any end to the meaninglessness of this existence? Nobody is going to drop from the sky and say here is your purpose along with the means to fulfill it. What is their definition of better? One singular good day? Maybe a year of being moderately content with life? Until it goes to shit again as it inevitably always does? Feels like we are all slaves to our own consciousness. My idea of better is dead.I do not want to be here. What is better?,Suicidal +13727,"So I was diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety. My father decided to send me to his hometown where I would be cured. He thought I just needed a company and new environment. Because I have been living alone for almost three years. At first I just had severe anxiety which pandemic caused me. But because of the repeated lockdown, I literally could not go outside, and I felt like I was a prisoner. And eventually I got worse and developed major depression.So fast forward. Now I am at my father's family house. At first it was really hard for me to settle but later I gradually managed to adjust. But then, my aunt started sleeping in my room. I really do not want it. I am not comfortable. I do not like it when there are other people in my room. I want to be alone. I can deal with people outside but inside my room I want it to be just my own space. Although everything my aunt does is just sleep here, she really does not bother me but I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I am not really comfortable. I cannot sleep despite taking sleeping pills. I am hallucinating that there is someone next to me which there is really is because I forgot my aunt also sleeps here as I used to live alone. And now, she changed the set up of my room. That really made me burst into tears. it is frustrating. You know having these disorders, its always hard to find to be comfortable. it is hard to adjust.What really distressing me is that I could not tell them. I cannot tell them this and that depressed me. I cannot tell them I am really not well. That my body is suffering. I cannot tell them I do not like this or that. I do not want them to offend. I do not want them to think I am making an attitude. I do not want them to get angry. But its hard. I am struggling. it is really frustrating. My body starts to act up again. What to do? How to say No?",Depression +13728,"All my life I have felt like I do not fit in, I am very socially awkward and quiet and sometimes get told by friends that I act like a robot, but I do not know how to change that. I feel very anxious in social situations or when speaking to other people. I also think I have a low self esteem issue because I always find myself putting myself down and feel like I can never get a girlfriend because no one would want me. there is no specific reason why I feel sad and like shit it just comes and goes. It especially got worse as I am 19 barely out of high school and I have no idea what to do with my life and feel like everyone around me expects me to know. I love my dad and hes always been a great father, but he suffers from alcohol addiction and refuses to admit it and talk about it. He will not seek help no matter how much I ask him to and its starting to really affect my health too. Hes said some very messed up stuff to me while drunk like I am worthless and I will not amount to anything. This really makes me feel worse because he is self made and successful and I feel like what hes saying is true. I feel like hes not proud of me even when sober he says he is but when hes drunk he says things that make me feel like shit. I have thought many times how all my problems could go away and how easy it would be to just end it but I am too scared to even go through with it. I do not know what to do anymore I am too scared to ask to see a therapist and I read mixed opinions of wether they even help. I just do not know what to do I feel my mind slowly slipping away and I feel more and more stressed. I cannot handle it anymore",Depression +13729,"Just as I was finally starting to get optimistic about this fucking world a few months ago and being able to actually live again, it looks like restrictions and masks and shit are just going to come back everywhere again. I already had to take off a whole fucking year of college due to learning difficulties with online and tried suicide once, and the fact I got through this year was something else.Now that the ""DELTA"" is spreading, it looks like everything is going to just go back to how it was at the start of the year, and normal life is never going to be possible again, even with the fucking vaccine, because people are fucking stupid here and believe in the dumbest fucking conspiracies. Now it looks like my senior year of college is going to be fucking ruined too, so over half my college is gone, the only decent part of life, and frankly, I am not willing to spend 50-60 hours a week working some shitty 9-5 job (if you are LUCKY) when i did not even have any fucking good years of life.I turn 21 in 5 weeks but that is not even going to matter anymore probably, so if all the restrictions come back by then, I am just going to go to the firing range and put the gun in my mouth. Fuck this all Just as I was getting optimistic",Suicidal +13730,i think about my past self everyday and it hurts. where did she go? i feel like I am just a she will of the person i used to be,Depression +13731,"This is going to be my senior year, and I see all these classmates hanging out and having fun. I wish I had that. I reminisce of the times I was able to do that, with my friend group, in middle school. And I cry thinking about how Ill never experience it ever again. We were close, but of course friendships fade especially when you go to different highschools but we still hung out every now and then, but now I know we will not. I do not think any of us have reentered such a tight knit friend group like we had before, and since our friends passing we just realized we would never be that tight knit group anymore. I wish I had that support system, I hate feeling lonely now. I see classmates posting about them going bowling and playing at Dave and busters. I hate them, I hate that I cannot have what they have, I hate my life. I have contemplated suicide before but I have never acted upon it, today is the first day that i selfed harmed. I do not think Ill ever fit in to a new group, I do not think Ill ever be happy again. I do not think Ill ever be happy",Depression +13732,that is all I ask of the universe. Do me one favour. Please do not let me wake up tomorrow,Suicidal +13733,"I do not do anything to because harm to myself. Yet whenever I go to bed lately, I have not been wanting to wake up. I am done trying to find a job when nothing interests me. I am done worrying about making enough money to afford a place. I am done trying to lose weight just to gain it back because I slip up. I am tired of feeling like a failure, but I do not even know where to begin to fix it.. I just do not want to be here... I go to bed not wanting to wake up",Suicidal +13734,"I am a trans woman who suffers from BPD, ADHD and severe anxiety. I feel like I just cannot go on. I have been suicidal since my teenage and i have attempted suicide twice. My last resort was starting HRT which made me significantly less miserable but since I am still ugly and my progress seems to have stopped after 2 years, I have no hope anymore. I do not think that i would be ever able to look at myself in the mirror and not want to throw up.I hate that I have adhd and bpd, these mental illnesses have ruined my life, not to mention the gender dysphoria which makes me cry every day. Sometimes i do not look at the mirror for days just to keep my sanity.I just cannot accept that i will look like this for the rest of my life, I cannot accept that nobody knows me as a woman but rather a predatory straight man. Just the other day my father said that I am transitioning to be able to have easier access to women and rape them. As a rape victim who was raped everyday at the age of 7 by my coach and later on by my classmates at high school, its so fucking unfair. I have internalized this fear and when around other women i just feel like I am occupying a space that is not for me and its wrong of me to be there. I am always afraid when I go out since I have been beaten up severely twice in the past and I am always sexually, physically and verbally harassed when I am out. I have lost almost all of my friends to transmisogyny and I am sure I will always be alone. The only people who want to date me are fetishizers who see me as an exotic creature between man and woman. I have never been able to find sb who does not see me like that.Nothing will change and I will always be in pain. So the wisest thing is to end things but i do not have the courage. Both times i attempted I chickened out. I am sure i will do the same again. But i cannot endure this hell anymore either. I feel suffocated There is no place in this world for girls like me and I just want out.",Suicidal +13735,"I am a tired RN. I rarely get to see my Grandkids because of a narcissist daughter in law. It has been over a year. I am sick with autoimmune. I now have double vision and cannot work. I hate sitting around doing nothing. My husband is working. We have a food, a place to live and vehicles to drive. I do not have a lot saved for retirement. I am tired of living. I would not do it because I know it is a selfish act and not fair to my husband and family. I just cannot get out of my funk. Waiting on MRI results to see if I have MS too. Sick of being sick. I do not have any good friends. My husband is my best friend. Sometimes I just want to go live if grid in the woods. Learn to live moment to moment. I am tired",Suicidal +13736,"I just cannot keep pulling myself up over and over again. I always tell myself life is not so dark, but it just keeps getting worse. I have been fighting for over five years, and I always keep falling. And everytime I have tried to ask for help I have been hurt and disappointed. I do not want to hurt my family but I cannot keep living for them. I do not want to live anymore. I have accepted my fate, accepted that I was not lucky in life, I am ok with that. But I just want to die without being scared, without knowing how much I will hurt the people around me. I have got the pills and letters ready on my desk. I do not want to wake up tomorrow, but I am so scared of dying. I do not want my mom to find my body. Please help I keep trying and trying and failing. I cannot do it anymore",Suicidal +13737,"Literally made me shiver upon realizing it. It really feels much colder, both physically and in the abstract. I hate everything and losing religion cost me everything. Being lonely and realizing no one cares really is cold",Depression +13738,"They all change and grow distant. what is the point? Why go on?Promises to people I am not even sure care.I do not belong here.This world is not mine.I should not exist.Life is nothing but suffering with small interruptions.I do not want to be here, I never have. Even as a child. From a page I wrote to myself tonight",Depression +13739,Does a guys mental health even netter?Like for a certain kind of guy who is always giving his time away and helping everyone but himself. A guy who works his ass off to receive so fucking little in return. A guy that the only time he gets to himself is in the bathroom. A guy that never rests and fucks himself over so others do not have to. Does it even matter?,Depression +13740,"here is the thing with gaining confidence, you have surrounded yourself with people who judge, take advantage, do not actually care, think of you as a joke, and you put up with it because you do not believe deserve better. For a long time I was like that and finally in my marriage it got pushed too far. She took the kids back to our home town and left me in the city by myself for 6 weeks. I told her not to, we fought about it lots until I finally said do whatever tf you want. After she returned was the first thing I told her I wanted a divorce. ""I will change, I will be different..."" The usual except she did not change, and a month later things were back to the way they were before, being a 2nd rate citizen to her family, constantly worried about her being happy first, and always me second. Few months later I began asking for a divorce again, and again, and again until finally she threatened me with the kids ""you will never see them, I will make the divorce a shit show, I will move home with them"" basically using the thing I fear the most against me. After about a year of continuous deterioration, I started to become close friends with girl I knew, we had a connection but nothing inappropriate happened (yet). After about a year was the first time I tried to kill myself, because I could not handle not having my kids and I was trapped. We got in a fight brought on me borrowing my brothers truck to help another friend move out of an abusive relationship (long story, but tldr basically had his truck too long so he freaked, so I skipped meeting my wife for lunch, so she freaked because people only think about themselves). I was intercepted walking to the overpass and hospitalized for a week. Took her 24 hours to visit.) Which is when I found understanding, no judgement, and acceptance in this friend and a relationship started in secret. Few months pass, still asking for a divorce, she takes the kids again for 5 weeks and still nothing moving towards separating and I tell her about my affair. I am done. She explodes, how could you ""cheat"" on me, you will never see the kids, etc etc UNLESS you never see the mistress again (here is the asshole part is that she was an acquaintance of my wife, friends I am not sure, not like they were close) but nonetheless it happened. She said we would have an amicable divorce, 50/50 custody, no bs. I agreed, broke it off, put the mistress through hell, gave it up not have my kids subjected to this. And then nothing happened, 2 months of sending mediation services to her until she finally says she is not going to cooperate. I reached back out to my girlfriend to mend things after barely to not at all talking the last 2 months and things get on the mend.Forward to Christmas, I leave early for work in order to see her, my ex wife packs the kids in the car at 530 in the morning to find my truck there and tells my 7 year old everything. How much of a pos I am, how I cannot be trusted. Acts like she is finding out we are together for the first time and this part I will never get over, my sister and brother are at my house telling her to keep the kids away from me, get a lawyer, fk me up as much as possible (my ex-wife verified this in one of her fits) so she keeps the kids from me over Christmas, I came close enough to killing myself again that I spent all of Christmas in the hospital. Literally the worst experience of my life. That was 6 months ago, she is slandered me to everyone we know, have not talked to my family in months (nor do I want to) and I am completely alone. I have never felt loneliness like this. I have a knife now but do not have the balls to go through with it. I wish I had my guns. Probably could have been over long ago. I am trying to convince myself my kids will be fine, maybe that is the hesitation. there is really nothing else holding me back, the 2 youngest will not even remember me, should not make any difference to them. it is my oldest. I do not want to hurt him but he would me better off with someone who was not such a mess. AITA Just did not want to be with her",Suicidal +13741,"After my last attempt awhile ago I tried to overdose and woke up next to my own vomit. I am still not convinced I died and now stuck in this place where everything is dull and numb. Even if there is nothing after, it would still be better then existing in this inexpressive world. Am I in Purgatory?",Suicidal +13742,i feel like shit right now and just want to talk if any of you all just need some one to speak to I am here any one need to talk,Suicidal +13743,hello! my name is ang and I am 16 years old. within the last couple of days I have gotten really depressed due to a build up of family issues and yesterday i lost it when my friend told a guy i liked i was into them. (I am very sensitive to rejection and i did not even like this guy for a week so idk why it hurts so much) I have been crying 24 hours straight and idk what to do. i hope someone understands what I am going through Not sure what is happening,Depression +13744,"19 y/o man. First off Id like to make it clear I do not have suicidal thoughts and would never even think about it as an option. Ever since around sophomore or junior year I have been changing drastically. I stopped socializing outside of my friend group and I thought that was just me maturing. While I do still think that is the case I realize it goes deeper than that. I do not even know what caused it but I have felt either sad or mad almost everyday since. This past week I met a girl visiting my city and we really hit it off. I mean she was really fucking special I have never connected like that with anyone so quick before. I did not realize it at the time but for that week that she was here I was already feeling back to my normal self. That was last week, and we have not been talking much since but that is not really what bugs me I mean I live on west coast and she is on the east so it was not going to work out. But I have slipped back into my sad self since she left and that is when I realized this is not my normal something is wrong with me. I think what happened was I experienced true happiness for the first time in years and now that she is gone, its gone, and I am so fucking tired of feeling like this on a daily basis. I do not want my happiness to revolve around other people tho that is why I am writing this. I want to learn to be happy by myself but I do not know how to go about it. I have been feeling really empty this past year and I do not know what to do with my life I feel so stuck. While taking a shower tn I cried for the first time in a long long time and that really set me over the edge. I do not ever cry so once I did I realized its time to turn my life around. How can I learn to love myself when I hate the person I have become in comparison to the me from 5 years ago Realized I am depressed today please help",Depression +13745,"Do we all have mental illnesses here? (if you feel like sharing, what are they?) Or stuck in a bad situation? &#x200B;Or both?&#x200B;I will start; I have anhedonia/depression/ anxiety. Which causes the bad situation like no real friendships and difficulty with basic tasks/ working). why are you here?",Suicidal +13746,"No matter what I do, I never stop feeling pain. Occasionally, I feel better for a day or two, but then it goes back to normal. The meds I take only make it worse, now I just feel like a robot. My dad thinks I am some kind of freak, so now I have to act all happy sunshine around him.I am probably going to end my life tonight, but I am a fucking coward, so do not be too surprised if I am still alive tommorrow. Life sucks",Suicidal +13747,"I know this is a petty reason to be sad, but its dragging me down pretty badly. My mind hates me. I overeat. I cannot sleep well. Some pervasive anxiety is also sprinkled in there for good measure too. But in spite of all that I have actually somehow been making good progress in terms of losing weight and getting better at running, and now all that is probably going to go out the window since I have just got shin splints and it hurts like hell to run now. It took me so much fucking effort to get to this point, forcing myself to go in spite of being so incredibly sad and tired all the fucking time and just wanting to sleep all day. I ran more regularly than I was able to fucking do laundry and now I have to break that habit in order to recover. Sure I feel sad and disgusting now since I am not able to really run but mostly it was the one good habit I was actually able to form and keep for any length of time. And now I might have to start over.. sorry I am probably being overly dramatic about this but its just been constantly there for me and its like a supports just been ripped from me Why cannot my body just listen to me",Depression +13748,I do the same shit every day. Treated like shit at home. what is the fucking point? The only thing keeping me alive right now is my kid and honestly not even sure that is enough. Fuck this. what is the fucking point,Suicidal +13749,"Gender dysphoria has ruined my life. I legitimately cannot see a future for myself. If the dysphoria does not ease up until the 31st of this month, I am hanging myself. I am giving myself until the 31st.",Suicidal +13750,I found out there is other places to vent where I do not get shitballed. A little about myself: I am 100 percent stuck. In a toxic relationship I can only escape by offing myself or getting kicked out and I have 0 places to go. Suicide is the hardest thing ever. People will say they will do it again and again. I believe I am truly in hell on earth. I absolutely know I am not the only one. I wish people who were not suicidal would stop trolling with useless advice. I have found little commradery here. No comment on Reddit will change shit. Seriously find another hobby. This sub is full of censorship like so many others and yet it is fine to have a Rape Fantasies sub etc. Fuck this and fuck the police. Gee thanks,Suicidal +13751,"I know its not super helpful to self diagnose, but it seems like I have a lot of extreme highs and lows. That I cannot quite control sometimes. it would be fair to say its just mood swings because of all the hormones and puberty stuff but idk. Sometimes I say things to people, make false promises during my high, or present this part of myself that they cannot quite recognize when I am at my extreme low making me seem like a completely different person. I do not even remember half of the stuff I have said or done while I was in this high/manic phase. And people take that to offense but it really is fuzzy. I guess it just makes me sad because people think that is me, but its not really. And, my lows are extremely dark and I do not have the energy to talk to anyone. I barely had any energy to type all of this. I am glad to say though that today I did not allow myself to sink further. This morning was definitely awful, but I gave myself a chance to at least rationalize. Took some deep breaths. And carried on with my day as best as I could. I think I am bipolar",Depression +13752,My mom told me to take the trash out but I am depressed. how and whythx I am sad,Depression +13753,I got this idea when I kept rerolling my account in a gacha game to make sure I get the best starting roster possibleWhenever I get a bad roll (bad family) I just throw that account away (kill myself) and start a new one until I got a really overpowered unit I will give my story if you all want it Is it fair if I killed myself and hope I am born into a better home? And keep killing myself until it is successful,Suicidal +13754,"I do not think I have depression, but every time I feel said, I have suicidal thoughts. I have ocd, and that restricts me to do what normal teenagers, my parents have been putting too much pressure on me, like they try to force me to do what I am not comfortable doing, like for instance going to dinner, yes, that is a big problem for me because I just cannot fathom the idea of leaving the house during the evening, because when I get home Ill take an hour shower and use a whole bar of soap to rinse off all the germs. Yes, I have been getting better, slowly, but progress is progress, and that is what my parents do not realize. Just the weight of it all is killing me. Every time I cry, I think of overdosing on my prescriptions, I almost did it too, one time I took out all my prescriptions, I counted 64 pills in total, and as I was going to take the first half, I stopped and realize that I am actually scared and that I do not want to die. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +13755,"I have recently looked into reddit and found that this place is actually quite healthy and supportive... I did not know this place really existed... but anyways I have very little motivation to work my way up the employment ladder whether its for a career or min wage job... as I feel so very few careers are really interested in helping people. I am an out of the box thinker and I know most jobs will slice my head if I try quacking about maybe we can serve people first and then profit second...I do not think I have much to say, but I look very young for 26 and it seems that is a turn off for most girls. I initially tried being a psych communications major in college but dropped out as someone in a way handed me a red pill. Since about 6 years ago since that happened, I have been studying different sources on the internet to help me perform at my best if there ever was an opportunity that did not require a degree. But I have little faith and try to make creations and upload maybe assist others in some meaningful way and also make a return. ANYWAYYYSSSSSS I know my story does not sound so bad and I think a big chunk of life is how we perceive things versus how they actually are. I do not have a motivation to get a car or a job because my god mother pays for the rent and allows me free time to make creations, but I do not have a circle of friends that is interested in what I have to share. So I am wondering how I can make money with my stuff without paying for ads or self-promoting. I have asked myself how can I honestly make connections if I do not promote? Some people say offer your work for free and I do offer some stuff for free, but it is quite impersonal type of work and people these days are looking to eat up as much emotion as they can in order to fuel a like or a subscribe reaction. For some reason, I try to stay as impersonal as possible with all my work and it seems to kind of work against me in this type of culture. I am not very attached to specific beliefs or ideas.... so it seems like that is a free ticket for capitalism to rape me.... if this is my destiny.... then what can I do? I have thought about dying voluntarily from malnutrition going out into a rural area and just letting go from there.... but that would be a tough way to go it seems but that could also be a perception. I am not very suicidal to be honest but it comes up. But anyways, I do not really ever share this stuff and I am sorry if it sounds like I am messed up. I am not going to get help if you think I need it. I consider myself kind of an anti-capitalist/materialist but do like small talk and jokes... if anyone of any gender would like to talk and maybe become friends or just talk for a short while without small talk, you would not be ghosted. End: I really do not like how our problems in society are so obvious and yet people play fucking dumb when realizing when someone is having issues... they must be really fucking hurting if they are playing that low... there must be another level of empathy above where I am at if I cannot see that these people are actually hurting inside, but they do a good damn job of putting a smile on their face and saying another day another dollar. PS. The matrix is one of my favorite movies. 26m no degree, no job, no car, no money, live in basement / tl:dr",Depression +13756,"This is probably going to come off as a messy bunch of writing but I have been in this weird state of just a lack of desire to keep living for a little while now, I am just getting up and going to work 5 days a week to do fuck all most weekends, i do not know how I am going to keep that up for another 40 odd years, its felt like my life has just been get up and go and I do not know why I am doing this anymore, its not even a sadness most of the time, I often want to end my life not out of depression, but out of what could only be described as a curiosity as to what is after death, right now I am in a particularly bad space right now which is what brought me here, idk I just felt like I needed to vent/express myself to anything other than myself, I am just so tired, I looked at my reflection in a mirror today and saw dark bags under my eyes, I am so damn tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, I am tired of lifes endless cycle, I am not looking for reassurance that things will get better, honestly the chances of me killing myself are quite low, but the thought of ending it all have been persistent for a while now and I need somewhere I could get all this somewhere other than just in my head All I need is for one person to see this",Suicidal +13757,"Why these online therapies are do expensive. I cannot afford them how I am going to afford offline ones.I need help and this time it is just feels like swimming at the very same spot for a year. it is so painful.Finally I am start to give up hope to get ok. I am tired, very tired. I can never be ok like this.",Depression +13758,"Is it bad that I am slowly getting tired of everyone and everything? Like I just want to go away on my own for a couple months then maybe I would appreciate things and the people around me more? I am pretty sure it is me though not them, just needing time away.Sometimes I just imagine myself living in a remote area with animals. Although, not realistic I still imagine this sometimes. When I say animals I mean like having a couple dogs, and raising chickens and goats haha. I guess it is daydreaming sometimes. I apologize for the rant. Tired of everything and everyone",Depression +13759,Busybodies are insufferable. Fuck off! Why do people need us to stay alive?,Suicidal +13760,"They both think I am pathetic. they are not wrong, but its be nice if they at least tried to hide it. I struggle to brush my teeth and bathe regularly so even the small tasks they have me do seem like a mountain of effort. When I show even the slightest amount of exasperation they either berate me for my irritability or say (in the most condescending tone they can muster): I am sorry to put you out. Am I asking too much of you?. I just want lie down and do nothing but that would never fly with them around. How do you all handle living with people who have more sympathy for a dog in the street than for their own child? My parents treat me like I am some sort of pestilence in their life.",Depression +13761,"I keep crying during the day and its over things that I do not even want to think about! I was driving home with my dog, and the thought of losing her wriggled into my brain because she looked at me with such a sweet innocence, showing she was truly happy; and I began tearing up and crying.The rational side of me knows its usually my ADHD causing this, or that I need to eatsometimes bothbut every time I get so frustrated with myself. I get sad over things that should not mean jack to me, and I wish I could stop it.I do not have any friends. I have a boyfriend, and he picks on me jokingly sometimes about how I have no friends. I feel like guys can retain friends so much easier than women, at times. Women are so catty and projective in my field of work, and I am not sure of how to make many friends at my age. I have always been odd, because I do not come off as quirky, I guess I am more unapologetic in my approach. I am sure it comes off as though I am a know-it-all. I have worn the label given to me bu others my entire life. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just be mute. Crying spells",Depression +13762,"I have been living in Sydney for the past 6 years. I have not gone back home in in 3 years. My parents put everything they had for my education and this was a way to repay them.I graduated right when the pandemic started. I never got a full time job because of the Covid-19 situation as no companies were hiring. I decided to do unpaid internship for 1.5 years. While I was in my last internship my CEO told me he would hire me after 3 months. After the 3 months and completing my 3 months of internship another delta variant outbreak happened. When I asked him when will I become full time and start getting paid he said not sure. During my internship time I was doing odd jobs just to survive. I would work as a waiter at various events, work as a uber eats deliver guy and do any odd jobs to pay the bill. I never wanted to put pressure on my parents to send me money. I also tried to follow that one thing I was passionate about which was being a DJ but the pandemic situation again stopped me.that is when I started accepting offers on my LinkedIn there was recruiter who messaged me from WPP (AKQA Media). I did my first interview with them got through the next round and then in the final round they asked me to do a presentation for of their clients told me it was an assignment I did a whole website audit spent a 3 to 4 whole days behind the presentation. Went through the final round this is where I got a congratulations email congratulations on your offer I was so happy I called my parents and then I made a mistake by updating my LinkedIn. that is how my the other company where I was interning found out I was applying for other jobs. So they removed from their companys internal messaging system Slack. Two days later I found out WPP (AKQA Media) would not hire me because of my visa conditions I currently have a year left on my visa and to apply for an extension I need to be working in my field for at lest year (paid job). Today, my girlfriend with whom I was in a long distance (USA) relationship for 3 years broke up with me. We met when she came here on exchange, we stayed with each other physically for a year and then 2 years of long distance. I was going to ask her to marry me after I got my offer from WPP (AKQA media).I feel like I have lost in life and I have nothing to look forward to. I feel like life gives me good things in life but they some defects like I had my girlfriend but she was not there with me physically, I had a job but it was an unpaid internship and then I got a job offer but it was withdrawn.I feel this was it for me. Thank you if you read until here. I hope you are stronger than me and make your dreams come true.I will miss you Earth and thank you. I am a 22 year old living in Australia as an international student (now on graduate visa) I want to end my life.",Suicidal +13763,I have been contemplating suicide for a while now. I have had many attempts but can never bring myself to do it. I do not think I want to die I just want the pain to stop I am so emotional and I drive people away with my bad energy my friends can only be around me for a certain amount of time before they start getting distant and angry with me my mom is worried I am worried why cannot I be the old me I just want someone who will listen anybody Why am I the way I am,Suicidal +13764,"All I am is a cesspool of mistakes, hurting others, and pain. Why should I even exist? No one would care if I was gone. I am a horrible human being. I am poison",Depression +13765,"I cannot do it anymore. I am done with the doctor appointments, I am done with the medicine, I am done with pretending I am fine. To everyone who tried to help me through this please do not blame this on you. My final requests are that you do not mourn over me or think that my death was preventable. It was not. My second and final request is that you cremate me and scatter my ashes in Banff National Park. Goodby I am done",Suicidal +13766,"No motivation to try and better my life I am not depressed, i am just empty and have no purpose to live for myself",Depression +13767,"My reputation is in the gutter. I have no friends. Any people I do talk to say a word then immediately have something to do. I pass the time playing the same thing on gutiar over and over again, watching Naruto, playing btd5 or btd6. Multi tasking the f*ck out of anything I could possibly do to distract myself from the overwhelming sense of loneliness.I tried seeking advice from a professional therapist. Not really willingly. I was sent to a inpatient facility after telling a teacher I wanted to kill myself. I told him, ""what if you texted them something, and you were right there and saw them get the notification, but they ignored it"".He said, ""you are trying to cope""I think the original discussion was about how people are not ignoring you. 9 times out of 10 they are actually busy, so you have to be considerate and think about those possibilities.I just sat there, and replied, ""... oh""Then time went by and I was out. Now its been...idk 4-6 months since and I still do not talk to anyone. They take too long to respond. They do not want to go explore places with me. They avoid me. Not until just today, did I realize how utterly alone I was. I always tried my best to get attention. I did crazy things. But now that is my foundation for my reputation. A lunatic. I feel pathetic. Even asking the internet as if they are going to do anything. How do you make friends?",Depression +13768,"I have a shotgun, which is arguably the most effective suicide method (with the right ammunition). I just cannot bring myself to pull the trigger. I hate this shit. I want to leave this stupid world but I just cannot do it! I fucking hate how hard it is to overcome my survival instinct",Suicidal +13769,"Had a return to the ED, blatantly told my partner I was going to kill myself. I would had 4 panic attacks in the space of 30 minutes, and been struggling with low mood for months. Mental health specialist was wonderful, gave me valium, which really helps. Recommended I pursue a script. Went and saw GP to get a script, she refused and essentially said the reason I wanted to kill myself was because I am unemployed.would not listen to me explaining that I would recently lost my job, because I would needed too much time off to care for my partner. would not listen that said partners family bully and torment me, for reasons I do not understand. Had enough, ended up at my grans, on suicide watch. My friends taking shifts between when they need to work. I am lucky I know, and I am being damned ungrateful. But I am tired of pills and stonewalling doctors and shitty shrinks that just get me read document after document, but do not bother getting to know me. Why do not I just end it?",Depression +13770,"Small backstory: I used to be a counselor on the suicide hotline, and I hated that job because I felt like I could not truly help anyone. Unfortunately, I was also going through depression and thought it would be better to leave the job. I have tried using the hotline before and online, honestly they really sucked. I just felt empty, like that did not solve anything. Swore I would never use it again.&#x200B;I have been extremely depressed and suicidal lately due to the fact that I have very little social interactions with others. I have social anxiety. it is hard talk to others, I overthink everything, trying not to say the wrong things. I am mainly scared to talk to others,for fear of saying the wrong things and judgement, etc. I have not seen my therapist in a while due to scheduling and will not be able to til the end of the month. Today I felt like I could not wait that long. I been talking to this new person and been stressing on how to talk to them and if I was annoying them. I did message them something that made them upset and I turned into a mess because I thought I messed up the friendship. I have little amount of friends and I have a fear of losing them to where I have nothing. I understand I overreact looking back at it now, but its hard... &#x200B;I called the local suicide hotline because I have no one to talk to when I get like this. Worse decision ever. Called the line, told them I was feeling upset and suicidal. Told them why I was feeling sad, do not know how to properly socialize, which was making my anxiety and depression stronger. She told me I know how to talk to people, I am doing it right now by talking to her. Okay sure I get it. She asked me if I have any friends to talk to. I said ""No I do not have many friends and the two that I have, I do not feel comfortable talking to them about this"". She said ""Why do not you have friends?"" I said ""I do not know how to talk to others"" She said ""why do not you just talk to people? Just talk to them okay?"" The fuck dude. And then she quickly ends the call by saying ""You just have to talk to people okay? And try to ask if they can make your therapy appointment earlier"". That was it, not even 5 mins. I legit told her I was suicidal and having active thoughts, and this was the support I got. It made me feel even worse because it just further proved to me that I really cannot talk properly to others, like have a full conversation. I ended up having a bad panic attack for 10 mins. &#x200B;TLDR: sad, told suicide hotline lady that I feeling suicidal and the reason was bad social anxiety, hard to coversate with others and deveop meaningful relationships. She told me just to talk to people its that easy! :) bye\~ Crisis hotline are useless",Suicidal +13771,Both my husband and I are suicidal and hopeless that we will ever have a happy life. We love each other but that is about all we have going for us. We both hate our jobs but cannot find anything better. We cannot afford to move out of our shitty apartment. We cannot afford therapy or counseling and we have both been on every depression med in the book. I was going to kill myself while he sleeps tonight by taking pills but I am scared that it will not be enough and Ill just have organ damage that I have to live with. So tomorrow I am going to buy a gun. Ill have a few drinks and go into the woods so I do not risk hurting anyone else. It does not matter how good I feel or how much I sometimes enjoy my life. I always circle back to this pain and it is not worth the good,Suicidal +13772,"I have tried for 15 yeats to get psychological""help for my ocd before i switched to medicare an after being in hospital five times I am done...I have been drinking a lite of alchol week for ocd. tried copious amoumt of meds icluding seroque, lithium and zyprexa.I am reaching my end and okaywith it I am done..even if i do not want to accept it..",Suicidal +13773,Think of life as a lucid dream. I had a NDE recently and that was my realization. Life is still rough but less so because its just a dream. it will end one day like all dreams do. This might be helpful.,Suicidal +13774,"I tried to jump off a building, just something happened that brought me to a breaking point. I got restrained and later told I had disrupted some event so I should not have done it. I guess even trying to end it all is something I do wrong. I tried to kill myself today.",Suicidal +13775,"pretty much the title. i just cannot bring myself to care about other people anymore no matter how unkind and cold that is. but the thing is I am also very self-aware and i know i do not want to recklessly say anything harsh and insensitive to other people-- i think them but i just never say them (but mostly this is just because i am too tired to deal with the drama that will ensue if i hurt other people with my words). so what i do is just feign responses they expect from me. they only like it when you respond that way but the moment you start even mentioning your depression, it feels like they already want to leave the conversation or move on to the next topic. they suddenly do not want to listen to anything you have to say and that really fucking hurts because most of the time, that is really all i need (not that it will make my depression suddenly go away, but i think it helps me get by a little). so yeah I have learned to just keep repressing everything and feigning every response to the people around me. i feel like I have become skilled at feigning a positive mood in front of other people and feigning interest in what they have to say but the truth is i actually could not care less about whatever they say",Depression +13776,"hi .. so just a quick TL/DRi have 0 friends, always had trouble keeping them, possible autistic, possible BPD. from england and mental health service here is difficult to be diagnosed. depressed, anxiety, miserable. lol. just want a friend. or someone to listen. since college I have not been able to keep friends, suffer w intrusive thoughts, have 0 friends, wake up late in afternoon, cannot even work a regular job because of my anxiety and possible autism. i just hide in my room all the time and i find it hard to leave. its not as simple as just going out.i feel so alone. idk how longer i can keep going. i just want a friend. i just bury my head in the sand. i have a couple of family issues but i live with my mum and she is really difficult to talk to. intrusive thoughts and anxiety at night keeping me awake is hard. i have a few coping mechanisms such as games. even now i see the sun slowly rising and i feel like I am just a waste of air and a failure, and I am living a shit, not normal life. just wanted somewhere to vent.. 22 / F / UK",Depression +13777,I am angry because people see me as a loser who is sub human trash who is not a real man or something. They see me as inferior and I want to kill myself because of it. They see me as sub human that deserves to be ridiculed and criticized in the harshest way possibly and ostracized. I will kill myself if people do not love me first. I am angry because people see me as a loser,Suicidal +13778,"By all rights, I should be an adult, I am 23 ffs. But I am Bipolar, anxious, and terrified of the family I am dependent on. Lying is my defense mechanism, my way to ensure that even though the future will probably suck, I can at least sleep for another night. Ironically, when I tell them the truth, I am told I am a liar, an attention whore; I am the paradoxical pathological liar. One of my major lies, something nobody else really had any business knowing, is on the cusp of being found out. In all likelihood, this will be the final straw, and I will be cut off. I cannot say I would blame them, nobody wants a family member who constantly has problems. I suppose the best way is to just accept it, and take whatever happens next. Between a rock and a hard place, the only option is to be crushed.",Depression +13779,"People tell you to ask for help, but what happens when you are constantly asking for help but it seems like nobody cares?? If I kill myself I can almost garuntee people will come saying that there were ""no warning signs"" or ""why did not she talk to me about it"" when all I do is ask for SOME KIND OF HELP. Oof",Suicidal +13780,"I have been fighting for so long. It just feels like it is my time to sleep. I want to unpack my feelings here, but there is just too much. It would not even be coherent. I guess I can throw a couple out: My mom might be dying, just sits in bed screaming sometimes. Yet another human that I trusted with my vulnerabilities betrayed me. Four years that we were super close, then we get in a stupid disagreement and they say some things and I try to explain how much that hurt and take responsibility as well, but they just turn it all in their favor. they have also been talking about it to the rest of the friend group which they know better then me. So I basically just lost most all of my friends.My other close friend, not associated with the above rant, moved away recently and started ghosting me. Found out he is not talking to everyone cuz he is depressed too. I got molested in the 2nd or 3rd grade, still have never told anyone about it. Have then at gatherings every year or so.I fucked up things in high school, working software support now. Used to be an alcoholic in four years ago, so my memory is totalled. I just feel shit. I am just meant to be alone. No matter how I try it, people hate me or walk on me because I am too soft. I wish that I would just died four years ago. Why did I choose to keep suffering. I should have died drinking. Should have died from the fall. Should have died from the meds. Someone up there wants me to live and try, but fate keeps plunging me in darkness every time I see a light. I am over it (trigger warning?)",Suicidal +13781,"I have a small penis, no friends, my gf cheated on me told me I was not a man and tried to peg me because my penis was so small, I failed in College and have no job prospects, I will be living at home with my hyper religious parents who are embarrassed of me. I used to be in shape but my depression and anxiety is taking a toll. I also, have like 450 mg of test at most. I am a skinny fat guy. I have tiny balls too so I probably cannot have kids so that is good.I am a joke I managed to get a new girl but my ex gave me chlamydia after all the sex she had and made it worse. All women are repulsed by me. Yeah I am throwing a pity party but luckily for me I am the only one invited.I have never had friends. I think my only friends are porn and Youtube.Honestly if your reading this just know you have a better life than me and will be a lot happier. Just know you are not me and nothing in your life can be going bad. I went to a private school for college so just with my bachelors I will be almost 200k in debt.I am in an apartment but I will eventually just be a loser in my parents basement who wanted to be a doctor.Yeah but while I am going to be a lonely unsuccessful loser. (Also, do not feel bad for me I have been fucked up and done so many fucked up things hell I have been to the mental house twice.) Well, I hate myself. But just read this and think about the pathetic smelly, ugly(I am so ugly they told me not to smile in my college photo and I had professional photos taken and the photographer literally got made because of how ugly I am). you are life is going great you are not a pathetic loser like me.Yep. .",Depression +13782,"I feel like I am losing ground on my progress. I took a vacation with my family for the first time in 7 years and I feel like shit now. Over the last 7 years I saw both my siblings get married, my niece was born, brother got divorced, I went through 3 career changes, went on unemployment for 6-9 months, hit rock bottom fully wanting to kill myself because of a girl, moved a full state away to get away from her, ended up moving back and I could go on for a novel at this point. Throughout those 7 years I struggled, scraped by and survived by mere ratted threads. I feel guilty and ashamed for taking a week off with my family because I do not think I deserved it. I feel like a terrible friend that I will not talk to my roommates or my family because I do not want to be a burden to anyone, even the r/depression community, even though they are the most supportive people I know. It seems everything i am grateful for seems to increase my depression. Like I do not deserve to be happy or to enjoy the little things. Sorry for the long post I have been holding onto a lot for awhile. I feel like I am losing ground",Depression +13783,"This shit sucks. But were still here and that means something right? I cannot promise what will or will not happen in the future, but whoever is reading this- I am happy you are still here. To everyone who is still here, thank you.",Suicidal +13784,"Because no matter how much you care for someone and how much you think they care for you it is always not like you think it is and you are trusting in and investing in and thinking about and planning on something that does not even exist, let alone matter, in their world yep you all know the vibe of never letting anyone know how bad it ACTUALLY is",Suicidal +13785,I was only called a liar by the police about it. My attacker made it seem like I had an obsessive crush on him and the police believed him. The people at the place where it happened also seem to have his side. I honestly wish Id never gone to the police about it. It only doubled my trauma and now I feel as if nobody had my back I was raped and finally came forward about it two years later,Suicidal +13786,Hey I am going to take alot soon and I want to know what exactly would happen to me maybe seeing how scary it is I would change my mind on dying tomorrow I want to know how fast?Like painful? When do people notice you od hahaAnd what is the time limit before you will not be able to back down from the overdose like 30mns I will have time to go to the er or vomit? Overdosing on excerdine extra strength,Suicidal +13787,"I am pretty certain of what is wrong with me. I think. I do not ever say that I have depression. I most likely never will. Until a professional actually diagnosis me I will not. The thing is I will not bring myself to see anyone about it. Expenses, stigma, and pity are all things I have to avoid. I do not want pity. It seems to be a fad to call yourself depressed nowadays. It disgusts me. My father suffered from depression. I found out years later that he was diagnosed with manic depression. He committed suicide on February 6th 2006. After years of guilt and resentment towards myself I have in a way come to terms with what I most likely am. I am my fathers son. He struggled his whole life for me. He lost his battle. I feel like a person like myself would only be doing the world a favor following in his footsteps. He was loved and adored and respected by everyone. I myself have not been good enough for a single person I have met thus far. I would like to be able to explain to the few people in the world that Id be doing something good for once by putting an end to it. Every person I have ever met has eventually walked away from me and when they do their lives have improved immensely. Idk if its hope or fear that has kept me from doing what I want to do. I just do not want to hurt anyone anymore. Even the times when I am happy I still feel like Id be helping the world by leaving it. The reason I have never talked about this is my hatred for pity. I resent people feeling sorry for me. I know I do not deserve it. I just do not want to live like this. Even with medication and a family who loves him my father still could not handle it. What reason do I have. I do not have any questions or inquiries. Guess I just wanted to say what was on my mind for once. Thank you. My dad",Depression +13788,"My brain just screeches at the slightest movement. Anything I attempt, no matter how minor, and my mind just scoffs at me.I know who it is inside my brain. Its everyone who ever hurt me. They never leave me.I am trapped with them. Forever.There is no escape. what is the point?",Depression +13789,"I am not doing well at work. I fight off intrusive thoughts mostly all day, and I am constantly exhausted. I really just want to drop everything and walk away from it.I do not have a lot of money, just enough to pay rent for a few months. I really want to enact squatters rights on a property, but paying property taxes requires I generate an income.I feel like I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do. I am so tired of working. Job-searching is fucked, too. I just do not want to work anymore.I get to be psychiatrically evaluated next month. I am just trying to hang on until then. Everything is a foggy swirl and I have a hard time thinking and planning all 24 hrs of the day. What do I do? Do I leave my job? Asking for some advice?",Depression +13790,"Hi everyone,I am a 23 year old female. I am going into my last year of nursing in September. I have found through the years that I am extremely lonely. While I have friends and go out sometimes, when I am not working or studying I find myself anxious, and teary. I have crying spells 3x a week, and while I dress nice, buy myself nice things, and am very fortunate to have an amazing family I feel extremely sad. Its weird because during the summer while I am serving at work I am so happy and energetic, I love being around people. but on my days off when I am alone, I am sad and lonely.I struggle from low self esteem, I feel like guys do not find me attractive, they do not approach me. tinder dates have been hell for me. at this point I am not sure what to do with myself. I just feel unhappy with myself and life in general, honestly just feel completely lost and in a haze. Has anyone else felt this way? there is times where I do not even feel like I am completely present in the moment, almost like I am not inside my body. how to manage loneliness and depression?",Depression +13791,How do people figure out what they want to do with their lives?? Like I am 20 and honest to God I cannot imagine being happy in any job or workplace. I am only working currently to pay rent. what is the point,Depression +13792,what is some drugs I can od with? Drugsss,Suicidal +13793,"I have probably been depressed for a long time, but it started to get bad over this past year. I would sometimes have really sad days where I felt completely alone, and I thought that after seeking some treatment I would feel better, but nothing has changed. I started on antidepressants about two months ago and I really really wanted them to work, but honestly I feel the same as I did before, and now I am sad that I have spent so long being sad. The only person I can actually talk to is my girlfriend, but I know that if I am always honest I will just wear her down. I have some work friends but I never really talk with them outside just because I feel like it would just be weird. Since I am a remote student I have basically either been at work or at home for the year mostly alone, and I think it is starting to get to me. What do you guys do when the horizon seems like it keeps getting further away? Nothing super bad happened, but I just feel sort of demoralized that I feel this way. Rough patch seems to keep growing.",Depression +13794,"I am tired. I am 27. I have been struggling all my life. I cannot get over childhood abuse, I was tortured by parents, specially mother, and I mean physical abuse until I was like 15. Add the psychological abuse (not feeding me, stunting my growth, constant threats from crazy mother).I have this disease in my head. I am too tired. Drugs and alcohol is the only comfort. And the permanent suicidal conduct will not go away. I have survived two well planned attempts, and countless drug overdoses. Too fucking traumatic to me. I cry a lot and I am a man. Being depressed and suicidal chronically",Depression +13795,The more I read through these posts the more I realize how many people actually want to die. I think a lot of people secretly want to die even if they will not admit it. Secretly a lot of people want to die,Suicidal +13796,"Yesterday I went to the therapist for first time as the last hope to save my own life in some way, but it was not as I expected. I thought it could feel me better but that was not happend. I am feeling the same shit as always, I am with a huge sadness and emptiness, and now, knowing that is there is no hope for me anymore, I do not know what do. I just want to end my life. it is done.",Suicidal +13797,"I grew up being screamed at by my mother constantly. My ex abused me emotionally and eventually a little physically for years. Its all been so difficult. I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I know I am a good person and bring people joy, but the world seems so cruel and unfair. I strive to be my best despite it but I often wonder what the point is. I am afraid I will snap someday and end it.Thanks for reading. I have been suicidal ever since I was in the 4th grade. Its so exhausting.",Suicidal +13798,I have been planning to disappear soon but i found out my ex got engaged and I do not want people to think i did it because of that. cannot go,Depression +13799,Anyone here listen to suicidal tendencies,Suicidal +13800,Just act crazy and swing around weapons or a unloaded gun and they will pull their guns out and make me droplike a bag of potatoes. They shoot to kill so it would definitely work. Also majority of cops are emotionally detached and enjoy using their handguns. They will not get fired because its hard for them to get canned. Idk why suicide by cop is not more prominent when its so easy. Suicide by cop will probably be my choice of method due to it being stupidly easy in the United States,Suicidal +13801,"I am just not sure anymore, everything just changes too fast for me. Hi, I am 16 y.o and have been abused by my parents who constantly deny the allegations. I have been so dehumanized by them with the words they have said to me, and yet a simple sorry has not been said now that I have gotten ""help"". The things they said constantly repeat in my head due to my schizophrenia. Besides being abused, anxiety is so bad where I have these episodes time to time to the feeling where I want to throw up so badly and make me feel shaky and horrible. My schizophrenia does not help at all, I get these ""visions"" of horrible things of dieing children and seeing/hearing shadow people yell at me, constantly repeating my name as their bright eyes peer into my soul. Dealing with this problem day after day is just so tiering and it seems to get even worse. my gf of 2 years recently broke up with me, she was the only reason I am alive. I just really need some more help but do not know what to do. I am almost going to therapy in a couple if days and am on medication. Diagnosed with schizophrenia/major depression/really bad anxiety",Depression +13802,"I have recently been getting more and more suicidal thoughts lately and I have been getting more depressed no matter how much I try to think brightly about a situation I jus cannot shake my thought of wanting to die. I do not really want to share my past but I have been abused by my dad, got bullied in school for my looks, and as of middle school me and my moms relationship started to degrade to the point of I really do not care how they are affect by me if I do commit suicide. Due to this I have been playing more games to try and get rid of this thought but ig I only suppresed the feeling. I think about what I want to do in the future and I cannot think of what I want to do no matter how hard I try. The people closest to me (friends, parents, siblings) all tell me ""it is not worth it"" but whenever I hear it I do not feel any guilt. And as of now whenever I think of the idea of suicide I feel calm...Pls help I really do not know",Suicidal +13803,"I wanted to kill myself but my ex came into my life and gave me a purpose. Now that were not together I feel like I have no purpose. I expressed how I feel to her and it was taken as a threat and manipulative which was something I never wished for. A year later I am contemplating again should I take away my only life. She hates me, blocked me and I find that to be understandable but the thing I also hate myself for putting her in that situation. I apologized countless times and did not get any type of closure. I am so sorry to her and the guys reading this but I cannot carry around this guilt anymore I feel guilty",Suicidal +13804,"So I lead a pretty lonely life I am going to, I work and play video games and go to the gym. This is all I do with my life everyday and it has been feeling pointless and repetitive and i feel like I am stuck in a loop. I do not have an outgoing personality and I prefer to be alone, maybe because I am used to it and have become addicted to the thought of being alone and not needing anyone to rely on. I do not find anything interesting besides the things I listed above, I do like some activities like going to the movies or going on a hike but would feel weird with doing these activities alone so I find myself just sitting at home all day and repeating my same actions. I am complaining about this lifestyle but also am not doing anything to stop it. I understand I can change it by being more social and going out but I do not think its as simple as that , its almost as if I cannot even though technically I can. I do not have any friends and even if I do social activities with my family I still feel very alone. Pretty much what I am asking is, is there anyone out there who relates to how I feel or if they did how did they get out of this feeling. This all started my freshman year of high school when I was 14, I am now 20 and I feel it has been the same. I had a girlfriend for almost 2 years but that did not work out obviously that is why I am here lol, I tried dating apps as well and it has not been working, I am tall and I like to think I am attractive ? Not that it matters but yea I just would like to solve my issue as it is only getting worse. Just wanted you to get a good perspective on my life and if there is anything wrong with me. Just want to rant and see if anyone feels the same",Suicidal +13805,I have like 300+ depression meds including benzos. Also drinking so I do not stop myself because of family. So fuck it. Any reason to suffer this agony anymore?,Suicidal +13806,"I spent three years committing to who I thought was my soulmate, she was so integrated into my life there was not a part of my life that she was not a part of.She and I broke up, because she was afraid of long distance over the next few months, and felt we were growing apart.She left, and I am glad she is doing well and has a life without me, but my life is empty, it has always been. I have no friends, I work remotely, live in my apartment alone, I see no one for weeks on end, and there is nothing to do in my town, I have no friends.I have been riding a very thin line, and though we ended things amicably, we recently talked about being friends in time and things ended horribly. There is no hope for a happy life, and full life, and I have struggled to get through each lonely day.I want my life to be in my own hands, and I want it to end on my terms I want to choose when I end it? And that is now. There is nothing left in my life.",Suicidal +13807,"It does not hurt you instantly, but it does eventually. right? is smoking a good subtitute fot self harm?",Depression +13808,"If you do not love someone or cannot promise to love them until you die then do not get into marriages. Its a different kind of pain when you see one parent not be happy in the relationship and it depresses you real hard. It fucking hurts man. If someone gives birth to a child in a failed marriage its like giving the child guaranteed emotional issues, depression and suicidal thoughts and anxiety and frequent panic attacks. I beg you. Please. do not marry someone if you do not love them and especially do not give birth to a child if you do. Its going to fuck them up. Can people not get into marriages if they are not happy",Depression +13809,After being sad for so long it is what I am comfortable with so I will never be truly happy again is any anybody else having the same issue? I feel hopeless,Depression +13810,"I am (23, M) stuck at a dead-end job and, to top it all off, I got a DUI a few days ago. I have been aspiring for a career in the sciences because I got a STEM degree, but that is over with the DUI. I am automatically screened out if I report it. I have been using drinks as a coping mechanism for everything that is happened to me and now it finally caught up with. I feel trapped. I do not know what to do. I am so lost",Depression +13811,"I think I want to do it tonight, I know I should not but I just complicate my moms life :/ I am so done , I wish I could have made her happier All I do is ruin her life",Suicidal +13812,I am tired of life.please.I just want to go in my sleep. All my friends are having kids and I am trying to figure out the fastest way to get off this hell rock that does not involve suicide. Going to pray to Zeus that I do not wake up in the morning,Suicidal +13813,Can someone please explain to me why everything hurts all the time? It hurts so fucking much. I have more scars than I can count from all the times I tried to feel *something*. Its as if everything is screaming at me so loud I cannot hear myself think. I just want it to stop. Please make it stop. I do not want help I just want the pain to stop,Suicidal +13814,"No drugs to mute my senses,And too depressed to hunt them down,When suicidal ideation is in bloom,From casual thoughts to acted images,How did these gestures get in my head?And I cannot find why is to shut them,The rain has poured, and the levee is not sound. Everything feels like a sign.",Suicidal +13815,"I am tired of depending on others. No one is there for me like I am for them. This going suck. I am not happy. I thought Id be in a better place by now. I thought Id be a better by now. I am glad I was able to help all the people I could in my life. I am a person with a good heart who just was not to be here. To everyone that loves me, I love you too. Sadly I do not love me I think its time",Depression +13816,"all i do is trigger myself. I have been doing my best to be happy and enjoy life but its really hard after knowing how much its been fucked up. its almost impossible to get used to change even if its a good change. and oh, missing someone is the actual worst. its kind of annoying how someone can because you so much pain but yet you still miss them like crazy. knowing that you are never going to speak to them again after spending so much time together. fml. i hate my ex girlfriend. i hate her but no matter what ill always love her. why did we have to meet why did this have to happen. i cannot with this shit",Depression +13817,"I am depressive, anxious, and ADHD as hell and last year I moved in with my bestfriends family to get my life together. I have sat on my ass for a year, I mean I worked and what not, but I really got complacent and now I haft to have a conversation with them about doing better. I am going to do better and I Hope in a few months I will come back and see this post and be able to checkin with myself about how much better I am doing. &#x200B;I want to save this relationshipMy lifeIts run away from me for 28 years, and I am tired of watching it happen. I want to be better and I need to be. Depressed ADHD person trying to get their life together",Depression +13818,"I hate my mom with all my heart she emotionally and physically abuse me for not being good at anything, yells at me for crying. I want to die, I pray and wish for death every single day. This world is garbage I wish I never exist. I hate my family even my dad who goes to my home country every year and does not send money is better I like him better than my mom. But this happens a lot normally she is nice I just wish she does not bother me. I know other people probably have it worse but I just wanted to vent and explain my situation. My mom yells at me for not being good enough",Depression +13819,After the age of 30 I think you should be old enough to make the decision to be euthanized if you wanted it. I did not choose to be born so I should at least be able to choose the terms of my death. I mean right now people are finding very messy and agonizing ways to kill themselves. May as well give people the option of an easy way out. Why cannot we get the option to receive a painless suicide?,Depression +13820,"Warning: this is long. I am basically describing all my problems. I am 23. I am supposed to have finished my first year at this really good law school. I have told everyone that I am. Instead, I have actually been a graduate student with my masters in legal science at a less reputed college near me, while actually applying now. I have lied to everyone. I left my hometown to go to law school. I moved into an apartment with my high school/college bestie. She works a LOT as an engineer. Moving in with her was a great idea, I do not regret it and I still love her. she is a good roommate, but honestly she just talks a LOT about herself and her life, I feel like she never asks me. I am also very good at deflecting but I wish she would push a little harder to ask how I am. So I tend to avoid her and chill in my room a lot. I also need time to relax. I also smoke weed almost every day and lie about it. I have a vaping problem that is so hard to quit but I am trying. I lost my gramps earlier this year and its been difficult because he was my favorite man on this planet.I was diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder, bordering depression. Was also prescribed medication I never kept up with. I was going to my psychiatrist then she moved to a different clinic that did not take my insurance. Its been like 6 months since and I still have not gone to another. here is the issue that I think triggered me to become the asshole. My cousin had this graduation extravaganza party. I did a lot, I worked a lot, I fucking cleaned up vomit and managed t o send 30 teenagers home after 1am and ubers were closed. I worked my ass off and just never felt appreciated through the whole moment. Even worse I feel like I annoyed everyone. So, it triggered me real bad and I pushed away everyone. Now I am stuck with no one I can talk to. I have some really good friends I just completely stopped talking to. By the time I realized Id pushed everyone away and stopped talking, I could not figure out how to respond and they all STILL to this day have been trying to get me to talk to them. But a group of friends (two of whom I stopped talking to and the rest people I was t close with) and I had planned a trip months ago. The hotel reservation was under my name and I had a discount. If I did not go, they would not be able to stay there. So I went, felt like everyone hated me the whole trip. The last day was super bad and I cried many times secretly through the day in the bathrooms lmao. Then, I got super wasted and cried for hours in front of 3 of them. No one cared to really talk to me because we had a 9 hour drive that day. So, right before that trip I was ready to apologize to all my friends. Then the trip happened and I no longer really want to talk to anyone. I am not suicidal, I just do not want to live. The only reason I am still on this planet is my mom. I could never kill myself because I cannot fail her. But I imagine myself dying or getting cancer all the time. I do not want to do anything, I have lost passion is everything. I know I am for real depressed. I lie about EVERYTHING because I do not want anyone to think negatively about me bc I already have severe body image issues and I cannot stand to let others thinks there is more wrong with me besides the fact that I am clinically obese. I push everything off. I am pretty sure I have a rotting tooth that could probably get infected and kill me at any time but I have not gone to the dentist because I do not have the energy and now I am scared and also I do not want to. I need to know if I am an asshole to my friends but also advice on how to get out of this rut. In the last 3 days, I have not been smoking, I have not been vaping. I go to coffee shops and work super hard on my applications (also helps that I have some left over ADHD meds.) I finally started to feel some hope and light. My diet is good I no longer binge eat like I used to everyday. I also go the gym like 3 times a week. Something feels different this time but I need any and all advice on how to forward with all my problems. Loser and asshole and sad",Suicidal +13821,"This is not a cry for help, this is not a sympathy post, this is just how I am feeling.I am 22, have a 2 year old, own a house.. but I want to die. I recently lost my job and have been on the search for something new but it feels I have failed. I have been battling depression for 10 years now and STILL not only contemplate but more often than Id like to admit think about suicide. what is keeping me from doing it? My kid that is it, the selfishness it would be to leave her w out a father. I have got no parental support system, my relationship with my BM/fianc has been on the rocks and losing my job has sort of pushed me to think about it more and more. Anti depressants are not working like they used to, I am tired of being medicated at such a young age. I often think maybe my fianc and kid would be better off with out me. there is something about depression that I have only realized the past 5 years and that is that it literally takes over everything in you. Your sex drive, your motivation to get up everyday, your motivation to play with your kids. My thoughts tend to go to the gutter and think wow what if my kid gets this depression just like I have got? Do I have something to do w that considering as how it runs in my side of the family? How do you continue going on everyday w out the urge to just leave this earth? I have got a whole human that depends on me.. why do my thoughts always go back to killing myself? Especially when I KNOW its a selfish act its hard to keep going but I know I need to I just want to die",Suicidal +13822,"I do not know what to do anymore, I know there is something wrong with me. I just get so angry at everything. I am obsessed with him. And everytime he breaks my heart I am ready to end it all and hurt myself all the time. Why cannot I let go. I tried therapy, it did not really work. These emotions feel so out of control, I do not know what to do anymore. I am alone, literally alone and it hurts like hell. Help me",Depression +13823,"I am not an influencer or famous person or anything. I had over 6k followers on twitter that I worked to get over a period of about 3 years. Over quarantine especially I started using twitter for hours upon hours a day constantly interacting with people and getting hundreds of likes on my tweets. I had so many people who genuinely cared about me and loved me and I cared about them. I got to share all of my interests with people who liked the same things and we always laughed together and while there were toxic aspects it made me feel less lonely since I could not see anyone in real life. Then about 2 weeks ago I got cancelled. Its a long story but basically someone who I was mutuals with got mad at me after I unfollowed them because I found out they were making fun of me behind my back, then claimed they knew me irl (they did not) and made all this horrible stuff up about me. I literally felt like I was in the twilight zone watching everyone believe them with no proof. All of my mutuals and close friends turned on me, insulted me and told other people to unfollow me. I could not prove they were lying so I just deactivated and now I am so depressed. It might seem so silly to be depressed over but I lost this community I had built and all these people I loved that kept me sane during the day and were always there to listen to me. I have not been able to find a job and I am not in school so I feel completely abandoned. Its like I lost everything that made my current life meaningful and less boring. I do not know how I am going to go on now that I do not have this platform or these people to interact with. there is no point in ever going back because there will always be people who will harass me or report me or remind everything of what happened. I know I could start over but it will never be the same and I miss it so much I do not even feel like there is anything to live for anymore. I know its embarrassing and pretty pathetic but it was my escape. I got cancelled and now I feel so alone",Suicidal +13824,"I am crying as I am writing this, but I am just going through so much emotionally. I quietly sob to myself in the bathroom so my family does not hear me. I used to go to therapy but I am afraid to go again and I definitely need it. I get urges but I try to fight them because self-destruction has never really helped me. I honestly feel so disgusted with myself, and I fake being happy to others so they will not be suspicious. I hope I maintain patience and keep on pushing despite every molecule in my body telling me that I am a horrible human incapable of ever being loved. I look and feel disgusting, but I hope that I find some peace with my mind. I am in so much emotional pain and I do not even know what to do",Depression +13825,"I have suicidal thoughts and I self harm and my family and friends have not figured it out yet but I am deciding whether or not I should tell anyone. But I am worried of what would happen if I did, what would happen. I am thinking it will just add onto the stress their going through and I am just weighing everyone down. I am not sure what to do. Should I tell my family I have suicidal thoughts? If so what would happen?",Suicidal +13826,bout to down a bottle of fireball. going to be a long night. here we go,Depression +13827,"My friends and family hate me, I am extremely dysphoric, extremely depressed, and extremely paranoid and I cannot do it anymore I am sorry I am done",Suicidal +13828,is group suicide a thing group suicide,Suicidal +13829,"I will keep this short. I have falled deep recently, and I feel stuck. I think about death a lot. I am just getting too tired to fight it. The only thing stopping me is my mom, because if I die, she will without a doubt kill herself. My little brother committed suicide in 2019. He was my best friend and I feel lost without him. My mom almost did not survive that, and she definitely would not survive if I died. So, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit because I want to do what my brother did and what I have always advocated against. I am such a fucking hypocrite, such a fucking waste of space. I have a very good life, and I feel like it is killing me. So here I am, just hoping it happens some other way, or that I simply do not wake up. I do not know why I am posting. Just feeling so insanely lost. Also, I unfortunately do not have insurance. I cannot afford professional help, and I am in a very backwards state that does not really have programs for stuff like this for people in my position. The only thing keeping me alive is I do not want to kill my mom.",Suicidal +13830,"Ok. So I am at that weird age where people are either dying mainly due to overdoses, accidents and occasionally suicide or they are getting married, settling down and starting families of their own. I look around at all my friends getting married and having kids and I think why cannot I be normal and want that? Instead my days consist of a tiring and constant uphill battle with depression. My friends are starting families and all I want to do is die because honestly I think that this world sucks. Then when I see that they are pregnant I cannot help but feel sorry for the unborn child. I think to myself who would ever bring an innocent child into this hell world? Although I know that is just the depression talking. All I do is work and then sleep so that I can escape from my own mind for awhile. There have been times where I have felt so awful that I have literally cried myself to sleep. And then sometimes I have to take Valium or Benadryl so that I will not dream because even sleep does not always bring me peace. I have actually thrown up a couple of times thinking about how I have to do this all for the rest of my life. What kind of life is that? I am afraid that I am eventually going to lose my battle with my mind and I do not want to hurt my friends and family but I also cannot go on living like this. My mind is constantly plagued by what is the meaning of all of this? Seriously I wonder who/what is considered normalthe people who welcome death because they know that life is virtually pointless and in the end nothing matters or the people settling down and starting families of their own? what is considered normal?",Suicidal +13831,"ok so, I am 19, i drop out one of the most prestigious college in my country, i was studying a major in biotechnology engineering at 18, i lived alone without a job for nearly a year eating nothing but white rice and sometimes nothing at all, i lost 10 kg in weight and sometimes i could not sleep; i came with my mom but she kicked me out of their home and talked shit about me with my brothers and now they do not want to see me anymore; i just came into my grandma house, but their actions let me know that nobody wants me here, i cannot find a job and all i can do it is surf into countless amounts of memes; i do not eat too much since they do not invite me food , sometimes i do not eat anything at all or maybe i eat leftovers, i feel like a worthless piece of shit because I am unable to find a job, i got a precious GF but i think i do not deserve her, she is to pure and sometimes i just want to break up with her just because I use to sabotage myself, she tells me to not give up, but it is hard to understand, as she grew up in a home with money, she do not know how is it to sleep in the streets and have nothing to eat, as well as me.This Saturday is my birthday, and I am going to be alone, i do not know what to do on Monday yet another suicidal advice for me",Suicidal +13832,I am planning on hanging myself here shortly. I am a 18 year old guy who has fought with depression all my life. I have never been good enough for any friends or girls in my life. My parents just separated. And I have no plan for the future. My life consists of sitting alone in the dark playing all the memories of when I was happy. I am convinced it will never get better. I would rather try and shoot myself in the head because I feel like there is much less time to think but I am to lazy to get a gun so a rope will have to do. Hello and goodbye ! My last day is today,Suicidal +13833,"never underestimate how much pain somebody has to be in to put a razor to their wrist, a finger to their throat, a gun to their head. or a pen to 'that' note. people think we do it for attention",Suicidal +13834,"I have hit the point where literally anything could happen to me and Id still want to kill myself. Like someone could hand me a billion dollars and I could lose all my weight and be fit, and have a house and land and a loving family. Still want to kill my self. I do not want to sound like a doomer but this world is done and has been for years. Id say 10 more until the worst of the worst starts ramping up such as war and mass migrations of people. I also just can not find anything in me to care about myself. I just do not like myself at all, and no matter how hard I try at the end of the day I just do not care. I never even really did, but there were always things that would make care, but now there is nothing. My family is leaving for a whole week in August and if I can make it through that week than I promised myself no matter what Id try to stay alive. But if I do not I do not, and plus I want to die, I have told others that I do not want to, but I know deep down I do. Its so weird to know your living in your last days alive. To know when your going to die. Its a mix of chaos and all the emotions at once constantly, but in the strangest way possible its calming, peaceful even. And in a weird way I see the beauty in things, no matter how small. I do not want to talk like I know I am going to die because nothing is set in stone and I know that, but it is something I want at this point. I have attempted once in the past so this time should be my last try. Thanks for reading if you did. Just got a girlfriend and have a good future lined up. Still does not make me want to live.",Suicidal +13835,"Hi everyone, I am prone to depression (hey, that is the name of the subreddit) but when I am not in a depressive episode I am a huge overachiever. I am 24F and work in a creative, high-powered job with a lot of older, mostly male, people.Back when I was in college I would just ""power through"" depressive episodes by focusing on graduating. I developed a lot of tricks to force myself to endure temporary pain to maximize my grades. This was not a particularly sustainable solution, but it did work, and I graduated with honors. I recently joined a new team at work and it is very demanding of me in ways I am not used to, there is a lot of politics that I am struggling with, and very open-ended projects. Still, I managed to find a way to be productive. For the first few months I was basically a model employee, working tons of extra hours to deliver great work. But something snapped about a month ago and I have been in a real funk, and it is been getting worse. I just feel like nothing matters, like I am bad at everything, like I cannot deliver, like I am letting everyone down, like I am broken. I probably have not gotten in a good day of work in almost 3 weeks. This used to happen to me in college but my usual forcing functions (strict due date, must get good grades, must graduate) do not apply anymore. My boss has not noticed anything because I am pretty autonomous usually, but I would imagine that I will have to talk to him soon.I have an appointment set up with a therapist soon (have not been to therapy in around a year) but I am getting really concerned about how this episode is going to affect me longer term. When I am feeling good I get myself into these overachiever scenarios where depressed me cannot possibly measure up, then when I get sluggish I feel so inadequate that I just beat myself up the whole time. it is gotten to the point where I am considering talking to a psychiatrist and taking disability leave rather than work another day where I just stare blankly at my computer and stress out.Can anyone relate? Advice? Making it through a depressive episode as an overachiever with a demanding job?",Depression +13836,I get extremely angry almost everyday and think about leaving suicide notes all over Lake Stevens threatening to kill myself in the middle of the grocery store if society does not quit being against me and blaming me for everything and saying it is my fault. A revolution will be started by me killing myself. Extremely angry,Suicidal +13837,What are foolproof suicide methods? methods,Suicidal +13838,"if you could splurge on stuff for yourself, anything to make you feel better or anything you want, what would you get? &#x200B;&#x200B;its almost my birthday and there is nothing i want, like in the moment i get ideas but i can not bring myself to get it or do them because its just so exhausting what would you buy?",Suicidal +13839,"Every time I think about how much of a pathetic loser I am or how fucked up the world is, I tell myself that it does not matter because I will just blow my head off with my shotgun one of these days. I know, it is a bad coping mechanism, but it is really the only source of comfort I have. The thought of killing myself is the only thing that comforts me these days.",Suicidal +13840,I am 27 and was told after in depth testing that my IQ was around 80. Its made me so depressed. My therapist I currently see does not think I have borderline intellectual functioning. How can I get over that IQ number and start applying myself? What do you guys/gals think about my situation?,Depression +13841,"I am privileged in many ways yet I have gone through so much in my life, I feel the joy sucked out of me because of it. I hate how even though I have been blessed with many good things, depression has made me ungrateful for them",Suicidal +13842,"maybe if my parents gave me the validation and love i needed i would not be so desperate for attention from random men on the internet. maybe if they cared about me i would not care too much about a suicidal mf who lives on the other side of the world. maybe if they loved me i would not be doing these things. maybe if they taught me to love myself i would not desperately need someone else to do so. maybe if they loved me i would not have to beg total strangers online for validation. maybe if my dad spent time with me and hugged me instead of taking me to the toy store and buying what i want i would not be so touch starved. maybe if my mom treated me good as a kid we would be close. maybe if i did not have to be my mom's parent, i would not care too much abt people who do not deserve it. maybe if my dad did not smack my ass and say that it was too small and that guys liked girls with big chunky asses, i would not be working out as much. maybe if they did not invalidate me everytime i tried to open up to them, i would not be venting to random strangers online. maybe if they showed me they loved me as a kid i would not feel worthless and undeserving of love all the time. maybe if they taught me to be open about my emotions i would not have have a hard time expressing myself. maybe if they listened to me when i begged them to take me to a therapist, i would not have gotten worse. maybe if they sat me down and talked to me instead of yelling at me and calling me a psychopath when they found out i cut myself, i would have stopped. maybe if they did not blame everything on me because I am the oldest child, i would not be blaming myself whenever a small inconvenience occurs. maybe if they showed that they cared about me when i was a kid, i would not think each person who cares about me a little too much is in love with me. maybe if my mom was a little gentle with me, i would not be too harsh on myself now. maybe if my dad was emotionally present when i was a kid, i would not be so used to people doing unreasonable shit. maybe if my dad did not always gaslight me into thinking i was crazy, I would be in a better place mentally. maybe if they believed me when i told them stuff I have never told anyone else, i would not have a fear that people might think I am lying when I am talking about something really serious. maybe if they took my mental health seriously, it would not have effected my grades. maybe if they said they loved me when i was a kid, it would not be hard for me to believe it whenever someone says that they love me. maybe... maybe",Depression +13843,"everything was so sudden that it left me in shock and pure grief. we were so happy together during those few months of being together and I have never felt so deeply connected with anyone. we did not even have much in common besides what we value in a relationship and yet we still clicked very easily and instantly fell in love. we have spent our time working on ourselves way before we even met that is why we thought we were ready. it was a healthy and mature relationship. she ended things between us because our mental health has recently affected our relationship. i guess we have not finished learning yet. i tried to convince her to stay but i knew she was right about us having to go our separate ways to be able to work on ourselves so i eventually agreed. i knew this girl was not the kind to change her mind and was always firm about everything. however, she was also insistent about us moving on completely, even from the love we have for each other. I have been in longer relationships before, but this one hurt the most. I have had my heart broken before but i always knew i could pull through and i did. this one, though, i do not think i can. for the first time in my life i genuinely feel that not existing at all is better than going through all this pain. i do not think i can go on with my life knowing that i could probably never have her again. she sounded so sure about not wanting to try things with me ever again because she believed we should really move on to the next chapterand this makes me feel really hopeless, like i have no purpose to continue with my life anymore. she is open to the idea of us being brought back together again, but this gives me little to no hope because i do not think she really wants us to be. i do not get it. everything is so much painful knowing that we only ended because we met at the wrong time. i could have been more eager to move forward if she were manipulative or abusive, but no. she was the most selfless, loyal, and genuine person I have ever come across. its hard that i cannot have her anymore.every time i close my eyes i think about ending my life. every time i wake up my first thought would either be her or me being dead. i mostly think about the latter.i just love her so much and i do not think i can go on without her. the greatest girl in the world left me.",Suicidal +13844,"15 years old, throwaway account. it is really unfortunate that reddit of all places is the last place that i go to, but i feel very locked in my life ever since october 2020, I have been feeling awful. my brain cannot pick a mood, it is either permanently empty, with bursts of me being infuriated and miserable, and in turn, self harming, i have severe attachment issues, i go back to people who have hurt me terribly under the thoughts they will be better, but they never are. i do not get it, i do not think i ever will, or hope to, my country has a huge stigma towards mental illnesses, and its not like i have the resources to get any answers to this, so the diagnosis is up in the air i guess.i self harm regularly since october, it first started with biting my lip, now I have gone to burning myself, underage drinking, food poisoning, cutting, scratching, biting, punching, it does not matter, the scars will not heal anyways and they just make me feel worse.I am ugly, i wish i could just remove my face.i feel as if i cannot be happy no matter what, not allowed to be.I have tried to kill myself 3 times now since october, bailing out last moment each and every time like a damn coward, first it was me trying to jump infront of moving cars, failed cuz i got picked up by my dad in time.second was me trying to drive my bike into an eight wheeler truck, failed because i got scared of the possible pain and bailed out last second like a fucking troglodyte, fallinig right next to the truck, i just picked up my bike in shame and walked off.third, drank alcohol and hoped to mix it with drugs, ended up just falling asleep right before i was about to take the drugs.people always say ""it will get better"" ""you are young you have so much to live for"" but where??? i cry every day barely able to get out of bed, harming myself every day, it is not fun.i just hope one day my impulsive decisions to kill myself will lead to the world being better.thank you for listening to a childs rant. i wish i could just end it all",Suicidal +13845,"i do not know what to really say. my birthday is in 2 days, I am not doing anything and i do not want to ask anyone if they want to do anything. I have been struggling this past week deciding if i really should end it. this entire episode was set off because i got into an argument with my family and now i cannot get myself together and its making my head a horrible place to be. I am trying so so fucking hard to be strong but i do not know if i can. i do not really feel anything anymore. i do not like myself, the world is constantly giving me anxiety, i check my phone and i see so many things that i cannot be. i just want to starve myself and be underweight. at least that gave me some sort of feeling and i felt prettyi do not like myself and my situation. i want everything to work out on its own without me having to do work. its not that I am lazy by nature, I am just so worn out from work and school and just life. i just want it all to stop. and i know people care about me and they tell me but the second i open my mouth to talk about issues like this they turn it into a joke or just do not know what to say. i wish i could say someone please help and i wish i could call someone but I am so. tired at least the cuts are pretty 20f. i do not like myself",Suicidal +13846,Something weird happened. Maybe this helps someone.I was meditating and realized that I am fighting something. Myself. I realized I was subconsciously pushing to not feel anything and I want to avoid discomfort. I constantly am bullying myself. So what did I do?I said I am tired of this shit and accepted all the uncomfortable dark feelings and they just flowed. They were intense but after the waves were no longer there I felt way better. It did not happen all in one go but it definitely was a change and that is something. Progress is progress.Just smoked a bowl and am going into a voluntary anxiety session. I am determined to beat the shit out of depression. Had a breakthrough,Depression +13847,"Let me begin by saying I am NOT an anti-vaxxer, anti-masker or covid denier. I am simply too tired of this pandemic, that is all. I hate online class, feels like I do not learn anything, and going to college while balancing a full time job sucks so much. I am tired all the time and I cannot even go out to clear my head.I feel like I will have to redo the first two years of college to be able to learn properly, because online class sucks so much. I miss going to parks and museums, going to the cinema and just being out and about without having to worry about masks, hand sanitizer, etc. I wan't to experience life again, but now I cannot even eat an icecream cone outside, because I might catch the virus. Sometimes I think that covid deniers are happier that the rest of us, because they still live their life as if nothing is happening. Sometimes I wish I was as ignorant as they are, so I could still be somewhat happy. The two reasons I do not ditch safety protocols is because I do not live alone, and because it would make my feel really bad for putting others at risk, but GODDAMN it would be nice to experience normal life once again. I will not be getting the vaccine anytime soon, not because I do not want to, but because there are not enough vaccines in my country (we are having a shortage since the beggining of the vaccination here. Thx Brazil for being a complete dumpsterfire). Anyway, I feel like I will not live to see the end of this pandemic, because I just want to fucking die alredy. I hate waking up everyday just to experience the same day over and over and over again. Things will not improve here, and I am ready to just fucking end it because I am so exausted. I have had depression for a total of 7 years now, and I feel like my time has come, because life is not worth living anymore if I cannot even enjoy small pleasures such as drinking a soda while outside. There is no meaning left for me, and the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of what comes after death. I am exausted",Suicidal +13848,"My life is going under i hate everything, thinking about death all the time i want to suicide, i hate fake people, i hate to be betrayed again and again, this life do not make sense, i do not know what to do, I am not brave to take the risk to kill myself, been thinking how can i do it but is too hard. I wanted to be happy I am so frustrated about everything",Suicidal +13849,"I cannot have any bright moment without it being taken from me. Idk what to do anymore. I am losing it, again. I try to be positive and help people and others take that as a challenge to try and ruin that and it hurts I feel like i have nothing to live for",Depression +13850,"I hate everything about me. I hate my looks, my voice, my eyes, my mouth, everything. Then I start thinking you hate yourself? Narcissist then I start hating myself even more. I either want to Kill myself, or numb, or angry, or jerk off because idk hormones or some shit. And I hate it. I just hate life in general. I just hired for a new job, and I was not happy at all. My day still went to shit. I am not making it past Christmas. I fucking hate myself",Suicidal +13851,"Holy fuck, I do not see any point in existing when all I have done in my life is make other people miserable. I am such a fucking embarrassment. I want to off myself and do everyone else a favour:) I am a terrible person :)",Suicidal +13852,I am very ugly. Severe chronic depression 11 yrs. No energy for anything. Professional helps been useless. No there is not someone for everyone. Ill be a loner/virgin forever. All jobs suck. Life is depressing. Wish I had the guts Ugly as fuck,Suicidal +13853,"I am so done. I have to deal with my parents constantly breaking down my confidence that I am trying to work on and being VERY mentally abusive. I get comments about my weight, my intelligence, my clothing style, my actions, etc. I cannot even breath without being judged. my parents like to twist the word ""respect"" so i get treated like shit but then I have to walk on eggshells when I am around them. it is not like I am a bad kid. I have A's/B's, planning for college, never get into any trouble, yet I am constantly ridiculed like I am the worst kid in the world. Then I have my friends where recently they have been judging me as well for multiple things. They make my parents sound like they are ""the best and chillest parents ever"" when they have NO idea what happens behind closed doors. I have ADHD and anxiety and one of the things that I do is that I cannot function if my hands are dry so i carry around lotion with me. EVERY time i would take out the lotion they would give me a weird look. They also like to call me out on a lot of things or call me names just at random and it does not help my already not very mental state. My one friend has called me a 'pig' before on multiple occasions and always has to point out my SH scars and call them 'tic tac toe' like its some sort of joke when all it does is make me want to cut again. I am trying so hard to work on myself and work on my confidence but I feel like I am suffocating. OH also to mention I have found out alcohol causes my spiraling thoughts to temporarily go away so now I am trying not to start an addiction to either SH or Alcohol but I have no one to fucking help me or be there for me without having that feeling of being judged. I also had my girlfriend try to hurt herself and her homophobic parents found out about us so now I have not heard from her for over 2 weeks. I am trying to cope with everything and no one even seems to care. I am just a fucking kid yet I feel like everyone is treating me like I should know how to fix every single problem I have. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be okay. I want that embrace of a hug that makes me feel like all my problems have gone away. I want help. I want to be happy like how I was when I was younger. Why did I have to grow up so fast. I am done with constant mental abuse",Depression +13854,"Hi all,(24/F)I have been taking 30mg of nortriptyline since 2015 for general anxiety and to help with some depression/sleep issues. It has worked pretty well for me, no complaints. I have not loved the fact that I cannot drink alcohol much (it just intensifies it a lot) but other than that I have been able to sleep great and my anxiety/depression has been under control the past 6ish years. However, I am finding it not to be as effective anymore; I am not sure why, but my anxiety is back lately (fluttery feeling constantly, just general anxiety for a lot of the days) with nothing really provoking it - nothing worrying me or anything anxiety inducing in particular. Lately I have found it extremely hard to wake up and get out of bed in the mornings, and I cannot really drink caffeine either, so most mornings I am up around 9:30 and just feel super tired for a good part of the morning.I am considering switching to Celexa/citalopram- my boyfriend and sister are both on it and they seem to really like it. My only concern is that it will affect my sleep - I hear it can make it hard to fall asleep/stay asleep. Another concern is tapering off nortriptyline while introducing a new medication at the same time. I am going to talk to my doctor this week about it, but just wondered if anyone has any insight on switching or going off nortriptyline. Any advice would be appreciated! Wanting to switch my medication from Nortriptyline to Celexa (Citalopram)",Depression +13855,I am going to kms soon i literally do not care anymore no one can convince me to continue living like this Ok,Suicidal +13856,"So I was high as shit with a friend, were not too tight, I am getting to know him more, and he hit me with a question: have you ever been depressed? I did not think much of it and just said uhh yeah and forgot about it.Well here is the thing. You have not ever been depressed. you have been sad. Depression is a mental state and is a mental condition, not a feeling. You have depression, you do not get depressed. I think those happy moments I feel are how a normal person would feel sadness. It hits every once in a while, and is not your normal state. With depression my normal state is quite melancholy, and I sometimes feel happy. Idk just needed to write this and get it off my chest I have come to an extraordinary conclusion",Depression +13857,People will raise you up then put you down telling you everything will be ok and be there for you. Then the next day be mean and show nothing but hate and disrespect. I am done with them. I am done with this world. Liars,Suicidal +13858,she took 100 panadol need help what should i do i have an ex gf,Suicidal +13859,"I am 17 and I deal with depression. I am not always depressed. I am usually happy when I am with friends and talking to people, its when I am alone where I usually get depressed. Its never been this bad, I used to not want to drink but I have been very close to drinking but I have never brought myself to do it. I really have no one to talk to about it, I am a open person and could tell anyone anything, but even when I try to talk to friends I feel like I am bothering them or being annoying or making them pity me and It makes me feel worse and embarrassed. I barely eat anymore, I do not have the energy to bring myself to eat. I feel weak with no energy. I honestly probably have not showered in 4 days. I am just suffering I cannot put into words how I am feeling so even when I talk about it I cannot explain it. even writing this makes me feel like I am bothering people even thought this is a page for depression. This might be all over the place. I just want to be happy. Hey",Depression +13860,"I have been a bad place lately, and I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling who will actually listen. I have gotten a job recently in construction, I was tired of feeling miserable every day at work in retail. My wife encouraged me to take the job, though I had a feeling it would not be a good fit for me. But I took the job so I would stop being pestered about finding a new job. My wife tells me to talk to her, but whenever I do she is not involved in listening. and when I do have an ok day, she is expecting me to be unresponsive emotionally, gets angry at me over something stupid, and sends me down a depressive spiral all over again. I understand it is hard on her, she been through a lot of shit the past few years, but I do not need that kind of stress piled on top of what I am feeling. Works beating me down, but I lack the self esteem to follow up on interviews for jobs I might enjoy. I just feel like I am living the same lousy day over and over again. I wake up, have coffee, drive to wherever my job is that day, attempt to perform well at my job and end up disappointing myself. I am just not happy and do not know what to do Life's been really crap lately, idk what to do",Suicidal +13861,Tired of being mocked at work tired of being alone tired of feeling like less. This world is beyond cruel and I do not want to grow old and jaded. You really expect me to work 30 years for a society that openly wants to kill men like me? Yea not happening I am taking a lethal injection on my 19th birthday just like my brother. going to get a lethal injection.,Suicidal +13862,"Hey, I just did not know where Else to write this and I am kind of scraed to talk about this with anyone I know. I just do not know of I can handle this anymore.Its not like I have any giant reason to be this depressed. But for about 5 years now (I am 22) I have been having severe depressive Episodes. I usually am a very cheerful Person, and pretty optimistic.But it always seems like my life is crumbling away. My Mother has cancer, I fucked up my relationship with my grandparents, and I am / was in a relationship with a girl that has now (after 1 year of being together) just ghosted me.I have a job, and a future that seems quite promising. I am beginning a college grade education with the German police force, so I actually have nothing to cry about. But somehow, everytime I am alone, I feel like none of that matters.I have developed an alcohol Problem which causes me to hurt people I really love. But I feel like its the only Thing that gets me through the Times when the suicidal thoughts really Start kicking in. And I just cannot Handle them anymore.I just want to be that cheerful motivated guy again, and not the constantly drunk depressed Idiot sitting on his balcony in the middle of the night complaining about his life.But These Episodes just will not fucking stop. It feels like I have a fucking anvil tied to my feet while trying to swim. And I cannot seek out professional help, because if my employer (the state) finds out I could have severe mental Problems, I might be kicked out of the college.Anyways TL, DR: privileged Idiot feels sad sometimes and needed a place to vent Whining by a privileged asshole",Depression +13863,"everything i do feels wrong, like i feel dumb or unwanted. even the little things like replying to someone mid conversation. i feel so fucking stupid. Overthinking.",Depression +13864,Tomorrow I will buy all I need to die in peace it is time,Suicidal +13865,"How I handle my depression with no medication and without relying on expensive therapy:Watch Uncut Gems for literally the like 12th time and low-key problem drink and eat potato chips. do not listen to George Strait though it will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, help.Good luck!!!! Cheers!! Depression routine! *WORKS!*",Depression +13866,I know this is a selfish request but I figure id rather talk to someone and maybe prevent them from harming themselves? I practiced committing suicide today.. I told all my familys I loved them and hug/kissed them all. I even gave my pets one last hug. I ended up not going through w it after crying but yeah if anyone wants to talk to just distract ourselves then I am here. Anyone willing to talk? make time go by...,Suicidal +13867,Trying to avoid my normal self destructive behaviours like binge eating. :/ What do you do when your feeling lonely?,Depression +13868,"I am thinking today is the day but if not today, sometime very soon.I am writing this because I have to get it off my chest and I do not have many friends. And I do not want to be talked down.I have attempted when I was younger (pills just caused my body to react oddly, hanging myself I chickened out and untied it 2 hospital holds) When I am happy, I always fear that it will come crashing down and Ill kill myself.I am so stressed out all the time, every day.I live with a roommate who is gone for 6 months.I feel as if I have nobody, no matter how bad it hurts I cannot unload it.I am so TIRED.I have been feeling like this is the year I die.. ever since it started.I wanted to do more, get married, have a career, have kids, etc.Something to keep me grounded but I am almost 27 now and I just do not think it will happen. (I am far too emotionally unstable)I spend the holidays alone. I know Ill be spending my birthday alone in 2 months. I just want to be okay, but I do not think I can be. I cannot afford therapy, can barely afford to liveIm tired of stress and overthinking.The worst part of this is that I have a dog and I do not know how long it will be before I am found.I just cannot do this. My emotions are so big and I am always hurting. I literally only have bad dreams. I am not exaggerating. I remember my dreams nearly every night and they are all about the world ending and me having to fight and I am always losing.I keep trying and I know I am not trying hard enough but I just feel unlovable. A burden to be here and a burden to live.there is a gun in my apartment, I just have to find the keys. If I cannot find them, I have a few other plans in mind that are too embarrassing to say. I am writing this so there is something to look back on? Idk but I feel like its not even something I want but something I need.I feel so alone and annoying and just bothersome. Plus I cannot watch my family die.I am sorry to the people I hurt, I am sorry to my dog. Its so permanent and that is why I am scared but I know Ill be okay once its done.I love everybody & I love everybody reading this even if I could not be loved. here is to no more worries I think I am going to kill myself",Depression +13869,My super hero cat died on the 18 of June 2021 I am going to get his hashes soon but my birthday will be on this month I never killed myself because I had to take care of him bit now he is gone and the feeling taking care of him is now gone so I am planning to kill myself on my birthday Going to kill myself,Suicidal +13870,"I hide my face from everyone because I think I am ugly. Nothing has changed my opinion no matter what i do to change myself. I am lonely. I do not think ill ever find someone, which is all i want. I have no outlet for all this, and no one to talk to. I do not quite want to live anymore. I have no one to talk to.",Suicidal +13871,"So I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for an urgent appointment. I have been getting bad again lately and feel really overwhelmed. I honestly do not know what I feel or if I am a danger to myself. I just do not know anymore. I am having a lot of thoughts of suicide and self harm. I keep wanting to say I will not but the thoughts are so frequent now and I feel like I am becoming numb to themI kind of want to go to hospital, because that would get me a few days with intensive care and separated from everyone. Which is kind of what I feel I need. The other part of me does not know if I qualify or if I should just relax for a few days. Only, the downside to relaxing is I know I will not be able to process or work through my problems without professional help. And I have been trying to relax for a month now and I e only gotten worse. My grandma does not want me to go back to the hospital and I honestly am just lost. I have been hospitalized 3 times before during high school so I sorta know what to expect. This would be my first time in an adult unit though..Any input would be great Any advice?",Suicidal +13872,"I had a friend who dated this guy, who would not stop messaging her for several months after they broke up. Mind you, she has not responded to him. Hes having a conversation with himself and he goes from well good bye you will not hear from me again to I hope things go well for you after a few months. Its honestly distressing. Why do people think its okay to make suicide threats as a form of manipulation?",Suicidal +13873,"I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that from my parents every time I have having suicidal thoughts and the next thing you know we are at my grandparents house celebrating my cousin 21 first birthday and their talking about how their almost dead and last Easter I told them that I wanted to die I thought that they were going to say ""no lovley life is worth living"" but instead they said ""hey so does everybody else"" in my head I was like ""wow thanks mom and dad that totally helps with my suicidal thoughts"". I am just saying that their being kind of hypocritical and I am fucking sick of hearing ""you only get one life so that is why you should live"" I love this one ""killing yourself will not solve your problems"" and my depression got worse when me and my dad told me that were only here to reproduce and then he told me that ""we never truly died because your offspring will carry on your genes"" I was thinking in head seriously were only here for that I was fucking disappointed I do not want to have children I do not want to get married and I do not want to die old that fucking terrifys me fuck that to be honest if I cannot live forever I would rather die young then die in a bed old not being able to move that scary to me no fuck that if you told me before I was born that this is how the world works I would say l think I am ok with not existing. "" You Need to live because you only get one life""",Depression +13874,"*moves camera* *deep breath* You guys, I never wanted to make this but-In all seriousness I have been trying to avoid making something like this for years. I have always tried to make myself feel content with being myself, but I cannot anymore. I cannot even look in the mirror anymore these days. it is one thing to be lonely, it is another thing to know why your lonely and know that you cannot fix it. I have severe physical disabilities and some mental disabilities. When I say mental disabilities I do not mean ""hey look everybody I have ADHD, are not I so quirky?"" What I mean is, I am too retarded to drive properly. I am an adult and I do not have a driver's license. And my physical disability is honesty the biggest reason I am writing this. I should have died when I was a baby. it is mostly invisible but man does it do ""a lot of damage"". I get tired so quickly. And I am basically useless if it is hot outside. Not to mention it is cut my life span nearly in half which is a good thing because I can be indesisive about suicide and still die young. And as a final F you from my disability, I am 5' 6"" and I can not grow any taller. I am very ugly. The ugliest? No. Ugly enough to be ignored by girls? Yes. And I cannot say I blame them at all. Good Lord I am so ugly. My eyes are so sunken in, my cheeks are so big you would think I have down syndrome, my lips are the size of your mom (laugh redditors) and my fore head is so big. My voice is also horrendous. It goes with out saying, I have never had a girlfriend, never kissed, never had the sexos and stuff like that. I have some friends that are girls but- ok so here is the thing. I have friends, right? But I cannot really say they are my friends. I am pretty sure they only talk to me because they think it is the kind thing to do. And before I get any of those comments, yes mommy, I tried all the reddit strategies. I have been working out for years with minimum gain. I have found hobbies to get into only to use them as escapism to avoid my self hatred. Actually, my hobbies only further my self hatred. I have not been to therapy but honesty I could pat myself on the back for free so why spend all the money?Not to much is keeping me doing it. I have a loving family. I know it would make them feel awful if I killed myself but I just cannot keep living like this. that is why I am here, I am at a cross roads. I know which way is wrong but I need someone to confirm that it is wrong to me. Bro, I am too disabled and ugly to live",Suicidal +13875,"I just want someone to speak to freely who I can hug I do not want to always be scared of what they might say I want to talk about my suicide thoughts and depression but my friends are not like that all and that is why I think I am going to hang myself I know its selfish since I recently bought a dog and that life depends on me but I cannot do it anymore I just want to hang myself and people can talk to me one here and help me as much as they want, but they are not IRL I cannot see you I cannot fucking do anything so this is one of my final posts and the fact that I have posted on here alot and all the time I have tried I might succeed thus time hopefully I just want someone to hug",Suicidal +13876,"As a broke 31/M, I literally can not think of a single other thing than money. I have stupidly gotten myself into debt, not too bad but I cannot get ahead of it. I firmly believe money can buy happiness but at this rate it does not seem like Ill ever find out firsthand. My whole existence is based around paying bills",Depression +13877,"Lately I have been struggling with being depressed. I do not have a social life. I do not have any regular/best friend to turn to. And I feel like my fianc gets tired of hearing and seeing me like this, so I just keep it to myself. 1 year ago I stopped being friends with a girl that was by my side for 7 years. Long story short, it got very toxic and I ended things and in return she tried to ruin my relationship with lies. Since then it is hard for me to open up and start over with somebody else. But that is where my depression comes into play.. I wish I had a friend again. But I am scared it will happen again. it is just a cycle I constantly go through. On top of working so much and having 2 kids, it is nearly impossible to go out and find a friend. I guess I am just venting, or looking for advice. The anxiety is real.",Depression +13878,"The worst part about depression is how it pushes people away. I wish there was something more you could do for someone grieving. there is nothing to say, you cannot relate, you cannot make it better, all you can do is try and be there. The same goes for most suicidal depressed folks, All I can ever do is try to relate to where they are in that moment. Nothing I can say seems to matter. Grieving, what can you really do for anyone?",Depression +13879,"No I am not doing okay and have not been for a while now. I have been feeling so detached from the world and I have no one. I wish I had family. I wish I was okay. I wish I could be like everyone else.Instead I sit here and fantasize my death every single day.Jumping off the bridge into On going traffic on the freeway or stealing J*****as or G**es gun and shooting myself. Who I do and do not want at my funeral and sometimes thinking I do not even want one at all because I feel like D***a and B***y and N**h would ruin it and make it about them.I have no purpose.I am tired.More then tired more then exhausted.I have been a dead man walking for a long long time now.I am tired of waking up in the morning and feeling okay and then it wearing off so easily.I cannot handle little things that because distress it sets me off.And yes I am medicated and I still feel this way. Sober, not sober, medicated and what ever.I feel unfixable.I AM a burden and an obligation for others.I have no one. Have I mentioned that.I fantasize what it would be like to die so many different ways more then I can fantasize anything good.I will not take on any responsibilities because I do not want to leave anyone hanging that is how unstable I have felt for a long time now. How unstable I am feeling. I do not want to take on anymore bills and then end up killing myself and leaving someone hanging with my end of the bills or debt..I wanted to sell my car and go to California for a bit so I could have my last hurrah.. but selling the car had not worked out..I just want to give all my stuff away and slowly disappear without word.. I want people to think I am on a trip that I never come back from.. eventually they will hear that I am dead.I do not want to be anywhere.I always ask myself.Is being dead like being asleep with no Dreams ? Or is it when everyone goes to the place they believe in ? And if it is everyone going to a place that they believe in then I have no idea where I will go.. I never got the chance to believe in my own universe.I am sitting at a park while someone is waiting on me to hang with them.But I do not want to talk to anyone or be anywhere at all.I am not okay but it is nothing a stupid hospital or meds can fix.How about you ? Are you okay ? Are you okay ?",Suicidal +13880,it sucks to feel like a burden on someone especially the person who literally gave birth to you. my mom sees me as a burden and wishes she could leave the earth before me bc she cannot stand the fact that her family is not happy (i guess I am the defect) all of these things were said by her and i cannot process it. its fucking with me so bad that i just want to give up. my mom has stopped loving me ever since she knew about my depression,Depression +13881,"So I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow for an urgent appointment. I have been getting bad again lately and feel really overwhelmed. I honestly do not know what I feel or if I am a danger to myself. I just do not know anymore. I kind of want to go to hospital, because that would get me a few days with intensive care and separated from everyone. Which is kind of what I feel I need. The other part of me does not know if I qualify or if I should just relax for a few days. Only, the downside to relaxing is I know I will not be able to process or work through my problems without professional help. And I have been trying to relax for a month now and I e only gotten worse. My grandma does not want me to go back to the hospital and I honestly am just lost. I have been hospitalized 3 times before during high school so I sorta know what to expect. This would be my first time in an adult unit though..Any input would be great Little advice please?",Depression +13882,I start the day unsure if it is going to start as a day where I want to kill myself or if it is going to be triggered by something that makes me want to die and I pray to god I die and beg him to kill me but nothing ever happens and I only get worse daily because I feel like I have a monster inside and day by day I cannot hold it back as much as before. Every day,Suicidal +13883,"Seriously. I just do not belong here. I am a 24 year old man who has been diagnosed with severe anxiety, OCD and depression, and have struggled with them my entire life. I am still a kissless virgin due to being extremely introverted and awkward, as well as having very few friends. I am a college dropout with no talents whatsoever. The few hobbies I tried getting into (writing and art) I made no progress with because I suck at them. On top of all of that I am currently jobless and stuck living with my parents. I got hooked on amphetamines (Adderall/Vyvanse) and abused them severely, further F'ing up my brain and causing me to basically go crazy. On top of that I was mixing it with a bunch of other drugs that ended f'ing me up even more and right now I am currently withdrawing off of Klonopin and amphetamines at the same damn time, as well as a bunch of other drugs I was on. I feel like I am literally going insane. Ever since the bad drug incident I am just trapped inside a horrendous delirium now. I literally cannot do anything but vegetate since my focus is so fucked from the speed and the benzo withdrawals. I am also on Prozac too throughout all of this so I know my brain is permanently damaged.The point is though I was never meant for this world. Despite growing up well I still fucked my severely in life and ended up here. I have nothing, just an empty slate. Even the art and desires I have in life will forever remain that, desires. I have never been able to achieve anything. Before the drugs I was constantly still just in my head thinking of all the things I would like to do. Now, with this situation I am in, I feel like I am officially fucked. It is okay though because it was going to happen anyway. I never had what it takes.I literally just feel like some people do not have what it takes to survive in this world and I am one of them. Survival of the fittest and all that. I was never meant to be here and I never should have been here. I never should have existed.",Depression +13884,"No I am not doing okay and have not been for a while now. I have been feeling so detached from the world and I have no one. I wish I had family. I wish I was okay. I wish I could be like everyone else.Instead I sit here and fantasize my death every single day.Jumping off the bridge into On going traffic on the freeway or stealing J*****as or G**es gun and shooting myself. Who I do and do not want at my funeral and sometimes thinking I do not even want one at all because I feel like Donna and Barry and Noah would ruin it and make it about them.I have no purpose.I am tired.More then tired more then exhausted.I have been a dead man walking for a long long time now.I am tired of waking up in the morning and feeling okay and then it wearing off so easily.I cannot handle little things that because distress it sets me off.And yes I am medicated and I still feel this way. Sober, not sober, medicated and what ever.I feel unfixable.I AM a burden and an obligation for others.I have no one. Have I mentioned that.I fantasize what it would be like to die so many different ways more then I can fantasize anything good.I will not take on any responsibilities because I do not want to leave anyone hanging that is how unstable I have felt for a long time now. How unstable I am feeling. I do not want to take on anymore bills and then end up killing myself and leaving someone hanging with my end of the bills or debt..I wanted to sell my car and go to California for a bit so I could have my last hurrah.. but selling the car had not worked out..I just want to give all my stuff away and slowly disappear without word.. I want people to think I am on a trip that I never come back from.. eventually they will hear that I am dead.I do not want to be anywhere.I always ask myself.Is being dead like being asleep with no Dreams ? Or is it when everyone goes to the place they believe in ? And if it is everyone going to a place that they believe in then I have no idea where I will go.. I never got the chance to believe in my own universe.I am sitting at a park while someone is waiting on me to hang with them.But I do not want to talk to anyone or be anywhere at all.I am not okay but it is nothing a stupid hospital or meds can fix.How about you ? Are you okay ? Are you okay ?",Suicidal +13885,"I have had a really tough month, but it started so well it seemed. I had met a girl who I had the chance to go on a date with. This is a first for me at age 22, so naturally it was very impactful. Lately, her life has gotten busier, and I began to really feel her absence. At this same time, I had to go through putting down my family dog I have had for 12 years. This put a mental strain on me for sure, but thinking of her kept me going. Weeks later and she is still very silent. She is my co-worker, so I still try to talk to her, but I get an impression she has lost interest or wants to avoid me. I wonder if my impressions are large assumptions, but with the grief and anxiety I have felt lately, I take them as reasonable possibilities. All this has cascaded into some of the worst depressive feelings I have had in a long time. I struggled with it through my teens, but after being prescribed zoloft I saw improvement over time. What makes this hard is how uncertain I feel about myself. I think I put so much thought into her as my first, I was not prepared for becoming attached and the emotional impact of not feeling liked. Now I go to work actually scared to see her, since even if she will not decide to reject me or give closure, I dread the negative image I give of myself in my current depressed state. I am having a hard time seeing the other side of this, and while I think I am safe from thoughts of self harm, I feel I have lost a lot of joy and motivation to keep being myself. Depression created from attachment has trapped me",Depression +13886,"I want out. I do not want to do this anymore. Curse the day I was born, a thousand times over. Life is hell and I want to die",Suicidal +13887,"Its been a year since my last attempt and I think I am ready to leave my life behind for good. My mind puts me through so much torment every day, it immobilizes me. I cry myself to sleep. I have been through five therapists and none of them could help me. I have been in groups and intensive outpatient. Nothing helps. And I have nobody in my life who I can talk to. Everyone is so far up their own butts they cannot be there for me. It hurts that no one ever asks me how I am doing. When I have tried being open with them they judge me, take away my rights or ignore me. I just do not know what to do anymore. I enjoy things for a moment and then it sinks in how terrible everything really is. I want to be dead. And this is kind of my last attempt at stopping myself. Sick of life. No one there for me.",Suicidal +13888,"Showing emotion makes you gay, so naturally I have not been able to cry in years. I have not cried since January 2020, when I attempted. I have attempted after that and during it I was completely stone faced, which is just weird. There was none of that romanticized crying my eyes out or anything. I just downed a bottle of pills and sat there. Then threw up a shit load and no one knew about it or noticed. Not feeling anything is weird. Be a man",Depression +13889,"I have been trying to appear happy, I post highlights on social media, I talk about the good things that happen, I try to keep up a smile and happy attitude around the house, I put on that bubbly persona for the world to see. But at the end of the end of the day I am curled up in my room crying at night and trying to keep it together wondering when life will turn around and be better when will I just not feel a void growing inside me. My head is an absolute growing mess. I am dealing with SH urges creeping up again and it nags at me, It drains me fighting the feelings and thoughts. I am a few years clean from it but that does not negate the fact that at the end of the day I am a SH addict I guess and I just have to live with the urges - Its been going on for nearly a year and just worsens but I have not done it; I do not intend to but I need to talk about it and let it out so I do not just bottle it up, That makes things worse. I am trying to keep functioning instead of giving into it and just slipping down further but it just sometimes feels like I am being swallowed whole. Just came here to vent and get it out, It helps distract me so I do not focus on it too much. Struggling with urges and Masking depression",Depression +13890,"I cannot turn to anyone, not to freinds and family, not therapy, I doubt even here anyone would be able to relate to my years of struggle, even those like me seem to shun me or not be able to relate to me, I am alone, and there is noting I can do I am utterly alone with my problems",Depression +13891,"Today is friends day, but all my friends block me and I am lonely and depressed... I miss them so much... I wish I could just talk to them... Weird how life is just not for everyone...Weird realize that I am not one of those people who get to be somebody important for other people...Life sucks Friends day",Depression +13892,"I see many people that say that they are suicidal talk about these things in their life that make it awful. The thing is, while I had a pretty rough childhood, I currently have a life that many people strive for. I have an absolutely wonderful job as a Registered Nurse working on an inpatient oncology floor. I have a great work schedule and only have to work three days a week even though my work is something that I could enjoy if I felt anything. I like the opportunity available to me to help people, and if I could feel anything, I know that I would be happy with the job that I have. The familial support that I have is also wonderful. I have a family that loves me to the end of the Earth and would do anything for me. I have a great dad that I talk to multiple times a week and is always available when I need him. I have a twin brother that I can say anything to and will always support me. I have a sister that I love and also enjoy talking to every week or so. I have an aunt that is only a couple of years older than me and is also very supportive. Best of all, I have an uncle that considers me his second son and would do absolutely anything for me. His wife, my aunt, is also very loving and is willing to drive me to my electroconvulsive therapy appointments, and it does not matter how out of the way it is. She is not a blood relative, but I love her as well. The things in my life that one would consider bad are things that result from my own choices. I do not have friends because I am a socially isolated introvert with severe social anxiety that I can only control when I am at work and even then just barely. Despite all of the good in my life, I still want to die. I think about it every day. I am almost always considering ways that I could kill myself. Anytime that death is brought up, I think about ways to use that method of death to end my life. Every so often, I will look up the LD50 of the medications that I am on so that I could end my life successfully. Recently, I looked up the price of a gun to use that to kill myself. I guess the good thing about the laws concerning firearms is that you cannot buy a gun online and have it shipped to your house. In this scenario, my death is prevented by my anxiety. I am too anxious to go to a store to buy a gun. Another thing that I do is consider attempting to OD and immediately calling EMS so that people can see that my desire to end my life is real and that I do feel as bad as I say. Irrationally, I feel jealous when I hear that people have had suicide attempts because I have always sought help when I have been that close to a suicide attempt. It makes me feel like my depression is not as real as theirs. I am ready to die, though. I just got a refill on my sedating medications, and if I were to get blackout drunk and take all of them, it would likely suppress my respiratory rate enough to kill me. I will not do it yet, though. I will at least go see my uncle one last time, so I can say goodbye. I have a good life and I want to die",Suicidal +13893,"I am ugly, I am stupid, I am lazy, I am fat, I am weak, I have a terrible personality, I have done terrible things to my friends, I have no friends because of that, I have no skills, and even at only 17 I feel like I have experienced everything I want to experience in my life. What do I do I feel like I should not be here anymore",Suicidal +13894,"I have always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Life currently is alright. Have a decent job, a good dog, and birth family. I am almost in my 30s and I got divorced recently. I do not really have a lot of friends and have never really been great at connecting with people. Since my divorce, I moved to be closer to family. My suicidal thoughts and depression are getting worse. I am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I want to meet someone but at the same time, I kind of do not. I have always been an introvert. I honestly do not even know where to meet friends nevermind potential significant others. I am not great at Public posts but I want to know if anyone has honest advice. Depression and overall feeling of hopelessness.",Suicidal +13895,"I finally was prescribed the pills to get the job done. Childhood rape, bullying, a toxic family, my career and car and home taken by Covid. It can all finally be over with.I finally have what I need, and I cannot swallow the pills. People rely on me and I am not allowed to struggle. If there is a problem, I am asked to fix it. Fuck me if I impose on someone in my life with my fucking feelings.If I sign off, the only thing that will ever be said about me is that he died a loser and a coward. He skipped out on the people that relied on him.Fuck it. I would not care if I was gone. But I cannot swallow the pills. I finally have the tools.",Suicidal +13896,"I started talking about how Id got a job interview and it made him start thinking about how he still had not managed to get an interview despite his multiple applications and good grades. He told me that if he does not get a job before hes 20 hes going to kill himself because he feels his existence will be pointless and hell be useless to society. In his own words Ill just be a meat sack sitting in bed. I told him multiple times that even if he does not get a job (which he will) hes still got meaning and that he means a shit tonne to me etc etc but it does not seem to change his mind at all. I am terrified I am going to lose him, it would genuinely break me and Id definitely kill myself to be with him (even tho he really does not want me to do that). He does not get treatment for his depression and he does not have meds because his mum is too obsessed with the idea that he has autism even when hes took multiple tests that have shown he does not. Has anyone got any advice on what I can do to help? He has been to camhs once before but it did not do anything for him and it just left him feeling drained :( (((TW SUI3IDE))) My boyfriend says hes going to kill himself if he does not get a job by 20 (hes 18)",Depression +13897,"Day in and day out I constantly think about my face. Some days I debate on burning it off so it is not a problem anymore. Having to sit around and wonder how anyone could love my face, think it is the best face in the world and only want me. Love seems unlikely. Security in a relationship and believing them seems like a funny joke. I am unhappy in life, ugly and stressed. I just want to find peace and content. I am not a religious man, death to me is peace . But it also worries and scares me. I do not know what to do. I just want to be okay. My body is plagued with acne and weirdness, my face unworthy of love and admiration of another person. I just type these things to vent. I do not want to be me anymore but I have no choice. Why could not I just be born as someone with a little more that could be gained in life. Love in particular . I love with everything I have but I do not feel like I can be loved . Not looking like this, I do not have to be an Adonis, just handsome. Just remotely attractive. Just someone with enough looks to have love and security. Idk how to end this I could go on all day.If you read this, thank you for listening. Sometimes I want to die. Other days I want to burn my face off. Idk what to do.",Depression +13898,"I have been slicing my skin open everyday for the past 2 weeks. so tired of all the shit, so tired of all the tears. I smoke weed to take the pain away but it has not been helping anymore. I wake up everyday and go to bed everynight with the constant thought of killing myself. I am starting to miss my ex, i was getting attached until he said he wanted to open our relationship up and be non monogamous, him only having partners for sexual stuff and I broke it off because I felt that I must not be enough for him. My parents never listen to me, everytime I am around them they are always constantly screaming either about how I am a piece of shit or that their relationship sucks.They say that they always have to tiptoe around me so ""everything is perfect just for little whiney baby emily"" but they have never done anything to help me, I was supposed to move in with my grandma but my mom said I am too ""mental and retarded""for her to handle. Therapy sucks, it is not helping anymore and my therapist is always saying very unprofessional stuff to me. I am at the end of my rope. barely hanging from a thread. one more inconvenient thing and it will push me over. I do not want to live my life anymore Done with it all",Suicidal +13899,"There was a narcissist(s) in my life, slowly trying to destroy me. It took me a while to realize.. they were trying to steal my friends, copy my personality. They would slowly chip away at my self-esteem and even try to turn others against me(spreading rumors, etc.) I feel so free now that I have no contact with them. I moved, made new friends and deleted my personal social media. Yeah, life still gets hard and I get sad sometimes. But nothing is as bad as being involved with them. People really underestimate how insidious these people are. I finally figured out why my life was so bad",Suicidal +13900,"I am 16, trans, stuck in a central american country with no chances of ever medically transitioning in time, with an unlucky masculine body. I know my dysphoria will always because me pain and that I will never pass. I am just so ready to give up. I have given up on ever being happy",Suicidal +13901,"The summer before 8th grade is when the symptoms started hitting. I have always been a fairly airheaded, chatty, upbeat person on the surface. Actual anger, discomfort, or sadness are things that i just do not express. I sorta just sat at the corner of friend groups and never shared my deep thoughts...that is to say, i was sorta just someone to have casual friendly conversation with. I am often left out of things that my circles do, only to find about how much fun they had when they chat endlessly to me about it.Due to a lot of factors, I essentially just had a mental collapse at the end of the summer and the start of 8th grade. I would put on my happy facade at school and then go home and quietly cry or just zone out. I started self-harming at that time too, and i made sure to do it in places that were easy to hide.I was also pretty aware of how people romanticize depression or fake it, and i used to obsessively tell myself that I was faking it. That the self-harming was for attention even though i desperately hid it. I felt like others would think the same about me if i told them, and that terrified me.I eventually started to accept that the symptoms that i was experiencing were real around August of 2020, a full year after shit hit the fan, and around November, i started to have really intense suicidal thoughts. My grades slipped. I went from being high functioning to laying in bed all day feeling like there was nothing to live for. My parents would only berate me for my slipping grades, which made me feel like i could not tell anyone even more. I made a full plan to finally do it, and tested out my chosen method. I started writing suicide notes in my head. And i had no friends to turn to because none of them knew, and i did not want to inconvenience them with my stupid emotions.I finally reached out to my doctor as a last-ditch effort at the start of this year, and when she told my parents, it only caused my mom to temporarily pity me and my dad to get angry...and then they acted like it never happened. I do not think I will do that again lolI psych myself out sometimes because i hit these lengths where I feel somewhat average. Not exactly happy or content, but i do not feel like dying 24/7 and my immediately reaction to everything is not an intense urge to off myself (oh god that sounds so edgy but my knee-jerk reaction literally just becomes ""fucking do it"" whenever i feel like I have messed up) so then I tell myself that there is no reason to tell anyone anymore. Inevitably I always fall back into the same dark space but oh well.I just cannot reach out or tell my friends because I do not want to bring anyone down. If i have any true goal in life that will give me any peace, its to make people as happy and content as possible. If people find out, I feel like I will just drag everyone down. I am always the upbeat one in groups, the one that people laugh at because i do stupid shit, but I feel like that whole act will be ruined. Nobody will want to be around meIts been 2 years and almost nobody knows...and nobody probably will ever know. I have basically accepted that I will eventually recover alone or kill myself before i do.I am sorry that this is probably super melodramatic. Its been 2 years and almost nobody knows",Depression +13902,"I had a goal.Gave everything for this goal.And whenever I move towards it, I am swatted. Its always something completely out of my control. And this has happened again and again and again.Last month, I slept walked out my second story window. Broke my back. I am still able to walk but I am in constant pain. I do not know if I can keep moving forward. I do not think I want to move at all. 1 step forward, 2 steps back",Suicidal +13903,"I do not want to live just because it will devastate X personI do not care because I will not be able to care when I am gone anyways. Why not? To meet people? To travel? I do not want to do these things. I do not want to do anything. Maybe make reckless decisions and start doing drugs and overdose is the only thing Id consider. I am chugging along but my downfall is literally inevitable. Tell me why to not do it. Please do not mention other people, I am beyond that point.",Suicidal +13904,"I am sick of this fake support for depressed people. I have told people I have clinical depression and at first you always get tons of support. But after a month or so everyone just goes back to their normal lives and just kind of forgets about it again. Prolly because its not like other sickness, it does not go away quickly. Just makes me feel so much more lonely when I got nobody supporting me or talking to me. Prolly my fault though because I pushed a couple people away and I never ask for help. Maybe I am just hoping somebody will ask hey dude how you doing like actually :/",Depression +13905,"My disabilities include mild symptoms such as suicidal impulsivity which lead to 4 hospitalizations in a year, 3 for suicidal ideation and one for hanging myself in a group home which is considered to be mild depression and about 5 more during the SSDI process for psychotic symptoms including one where I was hospitalized for trying to commit suicide by cop as a result of delusions.Because those symptoms are considered to be mild according to the SSA, they said it was ""mild depression"" and I have a few minor neurological disabilities that affect motor coordination and have trouble with cooking and cleaning and cannot drive and while I have learned to cope with the suicidal impulsivity which is a lot like OCD and it affects my attention and focus, I am not disabled enough to not work despite getting hospitalizations regularly and I have found there is a lack of support for people with minor symptoms such as suicidal impulsivity dissociation or psychosis that may not be qualified for SSI/SSDI.In my situation because I have difficulty with work but am a case where I am not disabled enough for support, then I need help since it seems often the only support is SSI or SSDI and vocational rehab I tried to seek with DVR told me that there are no jobs I can do with my reasonable accomodations the ALJ and my doctor said I needed during the hypothetical that they could find which includes absentees 2-3 times a week, I need to be limited to simple unskilled tasks with limited interaction with the community, no motor vehicle or ability to operate machinery and 2 to 3 breaks a day lasting 15-30 minutes each as reasonable accomodations.I need help with employment that meets accomodations and support to work past the Medicaid limits for people with mild disabilities and symptoms such as dissociation or psychosis is an a area with a huge gap along with housing since currently homeless and there is little support for housing.I decided to go off meds to look for a job a week ago since Medicaid monthly limits are $1048 a month here and a studio is about $900 a month and would lose health insurance for working past that but it is hard to find one I can do that will hire me with no address, and a three year resume gap and the depression makes it hard to do much. I have been having trouble dealing with the depression and lack of focus off meds so there should be more non-medical intervention since I feel really disorganized and out of it and it is been affecting my ability to find employment. I had the SSDI hearing about 90 days ago but as I am homeless and need housing and help before winter, I cannot trust the SSDI process because they will take as long as possible to just deny me and hope I die because I am in Wisconsin and do not want to die freezing in a tent, are there any services or programs to help people who cannot work but are not disabled enough for SSI/SSDI? I have been stuck in the process for 4 year, was punished with no income and am now severely depressed because I cannot find a job I can do that will hire me with no address and am having mild symptoms such as suicidality that is making it difficult to keep motivated. I have not been able to find any alternative or support and 3 case managers, a therapist and a skills developer gave up on finding housing that takes people with no income after 2 years. What options are there for people too disabled to work but not disabled enough for SSI/SSDI?",Depression +13906,"Hello, my name is Lucas, I have been dealing with depression for quite a few years now, I am 23 turning 24 in september. I feel like my life is just going further and further down hill, recently its been a 90 downward fall. I am heavily invested in computers and i love playing games, sometimes it feels like my pc is the ONLY thing i have left in this world, also because I am able to live in another reality for as long as my eyes are locked on to this screen. I do not feel like going outside, i barely speak back when spoken to (that is my own choice, for some reason.)My mother has a rare heart condition called ""Alcapa"". She has had 6 heart attacks and I have been a witness to multiple heart attacks she is had... it is the freakiest/scariest thing I have ever seen, i truly believe witnessing your own mothers quote on quote death, multiple times, fucks with you hardcore. Its a constant thought. I did not go to school for almost a year after it happened.. And that set me way back in school, so when i came back i knew nothing and i felt stupid. So i ended up being the ""funny/stupid"" guy in class, making jokes at the teachers and being sent to the principals office many maaaaany times. I never got good grades and that shit is hurting me so much right now, not being able to get a ""decent"" job.A few years after it was discovered that my mother had ""Alcapa"" my dad left us all to start a new family, at 48. Since i was the oldest at the time, i took on a kind of a ""father role"" at 16 years old. I have tried reaching out, but he does not really care. So I have stopped reaching out and making myself look stupid, i will not ever lay my eyes upon that vile human being again.When i was 20, i went to help one of my grandfathers friends paint he is house. We had a few beers at dinner and i decided to sleep there for the night, in the guest room. I woke up early in the morning and this guy was sitting on the side of my bed and had he is hand in my boxers. I freaked out, called my mother and my little brother. We called the cops and took him to court. I cannot begin to explain to you, how this ruins the way you look at yourself. You feel de-humanized and it feels like your masculinity is taken away from you aswell as all of your dignity. (I am heterosexual).After that happened i could barely look myself in the eyes when i stood in front of a mirror (i still barely cannot). I used to be muscular, like.. VERY. But it is all gone, i look like sticks now. My cheeks are inflated, and i look like a skeleton. When i look at myself i see a disgusting 23 year old who is 167 centimeters, still looks like a kid and cannot grow a beard. I cannot even go to the store and buy cigarettes without someone who is obviously younger then me asking for ID.I had a job 5 months ago. I made good money and it made me happy for a month, my first pay was amazing. But after that the job turned dull and extremely difficult and hard, they did not have appropiate equipment for carrying heavy stuff, we broke rules to almost break our own backs. I came home with pain in my back everyday and yellow and blue marks all over my arms. i had the job for about 3 months and then i got fired, because my ""boss"" told me i was not working hard enough. It made me snap and i said stuff i should not have, but whatever. I am happy I am done with that work, but it really shocked me that people look at me like I am not doing anything, when i really am putting in as much hard work as i can.I owe companies money at 23. I have taken small loans that have evolved into large amounts now.I have had a feeling my life would be short, ever since i was 14-15 years old, i do not know how to deal with this. The thought of suicide has crossed my mind over 1000 times, but i do not have the guts to go through with something like that. that is why I have fallen closer to the natural ""death"" side of things. I barely eat anything anymore, like, maybe a banana or something a day, because the pain in my stomach is too much sometimes and I have started smoking alot more cigarettes, just ""because"".I want help, but i will not ask for it. I have quit over 13 cigarettes on my own arm, it hurts and i do not like it, but i hope some day someone will notice my burn marks and ask what is wrong. I probably will not tell them what is wrong and I have been thinking about it alot. I feel like I am doing it for attention and I am NOT an attention seeker useually. I useually love just being overlooked. I am so confused! I want this off my chest.. Thanks.",Depression +13907,I just told my mom that I want to die and she said get over it :/,Suicidal +13908,"I might as well have it hand with how close I am to just ending it, Mabye I will find some pace in death, living has not given me any, I hate that is my eventual fate Writing my suicide note",Depression +13909,"I have been hiding in a cave within myself, it is been a few years since I have no friends, I walked away from everything and everyone, I think this was a mechanism of defense. I became a coward, I thought nothing scared me, but one thing scares me a shit: the pain, and nowadays I am so weak that even before I feel pain I think about suicide to relieve me. I think Nietzsche was right when he said, ""The idea of suicide is a big one consolation, helps to apply many bad nights"". ** Under the cave**",Suicidal +13910,"This is my main account to show how serious I am. Idc anymore I just want a real reason why I should not do this now. I cannot imagine a life where I am actually happy and content. I cannot imagine much of anything going right. I have been fixating on suicide for 2 fucking years and I want it to be over already. I have lived my best years and they were awful. I have been posting random shit and commenting a lot more lately because I have been feeling so alone for too long. I get it, everyone has, but I am finally done with it. I give up. I guess what I really want now is just a distraction from everything around me. I have a noose on my lap and I really want to hang myself on the ceiling fan rn",Suicidal +13911,"Crying as a write this. I am just not good at anything. I just realized how much of a loser life i live. Its so fucking boring. The only time someone wanted to talk to me over the phone and i ruined it, i have no social skills, no ambitions to talk about, the phone calls are less than 5 minutes. I would not want to listen to me either. I am just not good at anything, not good enough for anything. I am going to kill myself this year I just cry so much",Suicidal +13912,"Need to forget thingsWork is still depressing and I still feel overwhelmed and left behind with a lot of things, but I do know one thing that I always seem to forget when I get deep in my thoughts: I have awesome people who are still by my side. One coworker is depressed with me so we vented on the tailgate of his truck during break while he smoked a cigar. The other coworker and I are fine. Hes inviting more people to our outings and I told him that I am ok with it and if we could still go together some days. Hes my go-to for a lot of things and I feel like I have been losing him for the past month so I am making damn sure I am keeping the only thing that I look forward to from time to time. I love spending time with him and shooting the shit. I know our favorite thing cannot be just our, but when other people get in the picture, it will be harder to truly vent and get things off your chest. The people he invited are cool but again, I have been through a lot of shit this past month that my friend would understand. I hope him and I will go next weekend because its long overdue, but the group thing can be whenever. Anyway, I am not completely depressed, just trying to hang on to something. I know everything will be ok. I love my coworkers. I know I did not lose my buddy. Its just been crazy lately. Everything will be ok",Depression +13913,"I am tired. I am empty. I feel ready, and calm. Things keep accelerating down and there is no brakes. Id rather just end it all on my own terms. I am ready",Suicidal +13914,"I had an awful blowout fight and I am just bawling my eyes out outside a laundromat. I lost my ability to even argue during I just kept saying you are hurting my feelings right now. And this makes me feel really bad. I feel absolutely useless as a person rn. I feel alone and scared. This really sucks. Why am I the person going through this right now? I hate this. I have been struggling with depression for years but I feel like I am at an all time low. What do you do when you are scared, and afraid, and alone, and you are in a bad place? How do I feel better in the immediate future? I am currently weaning off an antidepressant and I have been in therapy for a long while. I just need help getting through this horrible moment, or moments. I am having a really bad time right now, crying outside a laundromat",Depression +13915,"Okay, I really do not want to sound like a pussy, and a person that is ""lazy"" or ""just does not want to do their job"". I have a really bad tendency to go to work, work way too fast or too slow (from my point of view) but I cannot slow down, so I end up burning myself out. I go to work everyday from 3 PM to midnight. it is been sapping all of my time and energy. The drainage and time taken away from me is making me believe that this life is ultimately pointless. I am attending university and I am a part of a fraternity, but I am scared to reach out to any of my brothers about my suicidal thoughts, mainly because I do not want them to think of me as someone who ""just does not want to go to work"". this is seriously hurting me, I am really scared. What do I do? My job is making me suicidal",Suicidal +13916,"Work is still depressing, I still feel so overwhelmed and left behind with a lot of things, but I do know one thing that I always seem to forget when I get deep in my thoughts: I have awesome people who are still by my side. One coworker is depressed with me so we vented on the tailgate of his truck during break while he smoked a cigar. The other coworker and I are fine. Hes inviting more people to our outings and I told him that I am ok with it and if we could still go together some days. Hes my go-to for a lot of things and I feel like I have been losing him for the past month so I am making damn sure I am keeping the only thing that I look forward to from time to time. I love spending time with him and shooting the shit. I know our favorite thing cannot be just our, but when other people get in the picture, it will be harder to truly vent and get things off your chest. The people he invited are cool but again, I have been through a lot of shit this past month that my friend would understand. I hope him and I will go next weekend because its long overdue, but the group thing can be whenever. Anyway, I am not completely depressed, just trying to hang on to something. I know everything will be ok. I love my coworkers. I know I did not lose my buddy. Its just been crazy lately. Need to forget things",Depression +13917,"I know what you are thinking. Fuck off, not another one telling me it can get better and things will be okay. But bare with me. Ill go through my story and you can judge at the end if it really is just another dumb post or if my story resonates with you.I got diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) over a year ago. I was in bits. I was crying myself to sleep every day. Everything felt so hard to do and I could not get out of bed. I was suicidal every single day. I felt completely numb and that there was no point in living anymore. Whatever anyone said did not matter to me. I only mattered. What I thought mattered and that was it. I contemplated taking a few many pills several times. Nothing was holding me back. I had tried everything, regular therapy, medication, and it just did not help at all. After several months that was it. I had decided to take my own life. I prepared the pills. Wrote a one line suicide letter. And as I was right there sat on my bed ready to do it I got stopped by this inner voice that told me to call the suicide hotline so I did. They talked me out of it. My next appointment with my psychiatrist we decided to go through with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). I thought that would be it. That its going to work out after this. But it did not. I was back in the same position I was in before I started any of the treatments.That is when I my dr suggested ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). At first it sounded so scary and I was terrified. But I did some research and it seemed promising so I went through with it. A few sessions later, BOOM, I was feeling soo much better. When I finished my sessions, I was a freaking completely different human. All my depressive symptoms were gone, all my suicidal ideations were gone, everything just disappeared and for the first time in forever I had hope again. The next couple of months I was way way better than what I was. I am still on medication. And I have this fear that I will relapse at any time but for the first time in a while I was hopeful and hope can be a powerful thing. I know what you are thinking, that this is bullshit and its just not going to work but I swear by it, it was like fucking magic. If you have made it this far and you are wondering well how does it get better? here is how. Make sure you have a supportive system, people that will be there for you no matter what. It could even be people from this sub if you do not have anyone. Second set reminders to take your medication on time. If they are not working and your dr is not helping you much change them. they will never go after you to help you so you should go after yourself. Third go to therapy with a counsellor you click with. Someone who will get you and help you. Again if you do not like them change them. You will find the right therapist. And lastly if its been a while and you are not responding to medication look into TMS and ECT. It can be expensive but its hella worth it. you are not alone. It gets better. I promise. It gets better. I promise",Depression +13918,"Mom, and everyone else,I am tired of this world. I am tired of the narcissistic, racist, misogynistic, Islamophobic, homophobic, transphobic, Trump supporting, and ableist family that I have. If you immediately get angry at those words and think that I am characterizing you, well if the shoe fits. I am tired of being on this earth that I did not ask to be on. I am tired of being reminded that I am something that kept you from doing what you want to do. Why do you act as if I am a burden? I was not the one that asked to be here. I got here because you wanted kids and thought the child was blessed to have, food, water, shelter, clothes, and all the necessities to raise a child. A child should not be lucky to have the necessities they need to grow that should already be a given and not something to complain about to your child as they grow. You made me feel like I was unworthy of spending money on. You made me feel like I was ugly, stupid, fat, and unlovable. I am tired of being disrespected and then yelled at when I return the disrespect. I am tired of how we hide the men that have put their hands on a woman non consensually either aggressively or sexually. I have gone through an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, sexual assault, and probably more undiagnosed things. All between the span of a little over 18 years. There are so many secrets I hold that will die with me one of those being who my sexual assaulter was and some pertaining to my own individual life. Now that I have grown, I see the veil being removed. From what used to be the best people in the world because I thought they loved everyone equally. It has shattered, as I have become older now I see how if something has never impacted you, you do not care about it. All the family does is judge and talk shit behind doors. Talk shit about the kids and brothers and sisters and other family members. Do not say you did not because I have heard judgment from each one of yalls mouths. I am tired of trying to be someone you will be proud of mom because in reality I do not think you will ever be proud of me. All this family has raised is a sneaky girl that has done everything you were trying to stop me from doing. You may think that I am the problem with this world but in reality, you are. Stop projecting your insecurities onto me. Do you want to know why I stay in my room most of the day and do not want to talk to anyone it is because most of the time I will get a lecture, yelled at, questioned, or brought into an argument? If I leave this world while on bad terms with you all I do not fucking care. I hope that weighs heavily on your souls. Let me be honest here if I never met blank my freshman year I would have been gone well before now. Do you know what is the most fucked up part out of all of this is I have been wanting to kill myself ever since I was 7 years old. I really do not want to leave blank but I can not stand this family I hope that my death opens your eyes in seeing that you all are not the best parents you thought you were. After I die I hope you all educate yourselves on topics that are out of your comfort zone because my generation will prevail. It is so funny how I rather kms then live with this family. To my brother, please strive to be a better person in all please do not become like them. I am so sorry for projecting the words that mom and dad tell me onto you. I should have been better. Do not take shit from anyone and the reason why I am going to die is our parents specifically mom. I want you to resent them and use them as an example of the kind of parent that you will not be. Find a role model that respects everyone and stands up for what is right. Educate your children on topics that are sensitive to white and privileged people. Please forgive me. I want you to keep all of my medals and trophies and my letterman. To Blank my love Blank, I love you so much and I am so sorry that I was not strong enough. Please forgive me. I am sorry for making such a selfish decision. I wish that we had not met because I know that this is going to hurt you so much. I know we talk about our future together, but I just am so tired. I can not do it anymore. I hope you find someone else who is stronger than me and more beautiful. You deserve so much baby. Keep on being who you are the man that I fell in love with and who respects everyone and protected me and kept me happy. You are going to make someone happy and have a beautiful family and I hope I will be lucky enough to watch you grow happier after I am gone. I want to leave you with everything that I have you can take all of my electronics and search my room for cash its hidden somewhere.To my dad I am so sorry I know you are probably the only one that is proud of me on anything I have done good on. I hope you stop binge drinking and become healthier so that you are able to watch my brother grow. I do not know why you have the views that you have but please try to educate yourself and be better. Mom is a lost because I really do think you all would be better apart. I know you love her but all she does is talk shit about you to everyone and you are just you. I apologize if I have ever said anything to hurt you please forgive me. If anything after I die mom will probably complain about the costs of my funeral and how everything she has ever bought me was a waste because now I will not use it ever again. She would probably complain about wasting money on my college tuition because I have not finished yet. We know she has no heart she just crys during romantic movies. To my grandma and abuelita te quiero mucho. I am sorry that you will be losing one of your grandchildren so soon. Abuelita I hope you reprimand your daughter and make sure she stops being such a bitch to my brother and anyone else. I hope you all accept my cousin as she is and is not messed up anymore or ashamed of her. I am sorry abuelita but I will die questioning god. To my bestfriend and her mom. I love you all so much and I wish I was able to hang out with you more often but you have a life without me already you will survive and I will just be a memory. I love you all both so much I wish I could have said bye face to face.To my cousins I do not know how you all have not killed yourselves but that just proves you all are going to do great things and are meant to do great things. I love you all very much and hope this will be a good topic to write about in your college admissions letters. Also when I am gone you all can take everything that I have accidently taken from your house. Please keep being the strong rebellious women that you all are. you all can summon me to haunt your exes if you want btw.Finally, to my mom this apology is long overdue. I am so sorry that I have come on this earth and was not the perfect daughter that you wanted. I am sorry I have never been enough. Please stop being such a bitch to dad and my brother. If you are trying to find someone to blame. Blame yourself. I hope you are happy you have one less expense to worry about; me. fuck it",Suicidal +13919,"I really think there is no risk for those who have already decided to kill themselves. nothing scares you nothing frustrates them, nothing they say will change anything. In a way I feel free, but I think it is better I do not do anything stupid before killing myself. Suicide freedom",Suicidal +13920,"I never looked for help, I never told anyone, not even astrange. I do not know if this is my paranoia or if it actually happensbut I think everyone hates me and does not pay attention to me. I participatedfrom another depression/suicide reddit but no one answered me.Maybe the same thing happens in this one, but the simple act of writing alleviatesvery :D Hey everyone. :/",Suicidal +13921,where can i get suicide kits? exit bags,Suicidal +13922,"Is that I remember when it was different. Like 3 years ago, my life was about the same as it is now, but I remember enjoying things? I used to like meeting new people, I used to love going to movies and reading books. I ate, cried, and slept the normal amount. I feel like I am working so hard to get back to that (therapy, meds, exercise, etc) but starting to lose hope The worse part for me",Depression +13923,"I(18M) feel lost, I have never really been sad or depressed but this last year has taken it is toll on me. After i graduated highschool (in the netherlands) i dropped out of school and decided to take a gap year to work and figure out what the fuck to do with my life, it started out fine but these last months my mental health has been declining rapidly. All of a sudden i feel like I am a loser piece of shit that cannot get his shit together. I feel like I am losing the real me and if i look back on fond memories from a year ago it feels like they are not mine. When I am with friends or with my girlfriend I am mostly happy but the moment I am alone my mind starts racing with negative thoughts. The future scares me because i feel like I am supposed to make it in life but i cannot put myself to work on this goal. I have also developed this strong belief that i will die at 28 years old, i do not fear death but this feeling, along with high expectations of myself puts alot of pressure on me. all these feelings have caused trouble in my relationship and we have almost broken up a couple of times because i cannot bring myself to care for the relationship because I am struggling myself. She is is very supportive but some thing you just have to deal with on your own. I guess I am just realy struggling with finding my way in life and i feel like the real me has been lost to all the stress and anxiety, even while I am typing this it feels like my hands are not mine? also when i look in the mirror my brain does not really recognize it as being me. Days fly by and i do not remember alot of them because it feels like I am watching it all unfold from a distance.Sorry for this long, all over the place post but i needed to get this off my chest I feel lost",Depression +13924,"I am diagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and PTSD... and I am on meds for all of it... but lately I have just been feeling down! Idk why... just my general mood is in the crapper! I am being shortwith ppl... taking offense to things I should not... how do I voice how I feel when I cannot find the words?? I just feel ugh!!",Depression +13925,"I can barely keep myself alive, how the hell am I supposed to live normally Anymore ? Suicide might legitimately be the only choise I have left I am just not cut out for living",Depression +13926,"I just want to tell to anyone that is struggling with suicidal thoughts, just like I am, to stay with us. I am 27 y/o fat ass that cannot get a proper job, but I will not surrender so easily. I will change, I will be thankful to be alive. And I hope, form the bottom of my heart, that you will find the joy in your life.God bless you all This is just a chapter in your life.",Suicidal +13927,FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!,Suicidal +13928,"I love life but at the same time, I hate it. My life fucking sucks. I am tired of getting sweared at and bullied. I just want to end my life but I am very afraid to. I just hate my life. Being yelled at & bullied makes me want to end my life.",Suicidal +13929,"I honestly do not know when the last time I will post on this subreddit will be. Might be today, tomorrow, next week, maybe even next month, god knows. So I just wanted to say goodbye for if I do not come back, if I do not post again within the next month, just assume I am dead. Thanks I guess, not much else to. I am just tired of constantly venting and telling everyone else about my suffering. Goodbye for now, thanks for everything",Suicidal +13930,"Hi there,I am 29 and have some new found depression that has come up for me as a result of the pandemic and lock downs and I know I am not dealing with it in the most skillful way. The one thing I am really struggling with is communicating with my friends. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to tell my friends that I am struggling today and I do not feel like doing anything including texting you back. Typing this out it seems easy just tell them but I know when I am feeling like garbage, it always feels like the hardest thing in the world to text people back and communicate. I was wondering if you guys had any tips for me. Help Communicating",Depression +13931,"I was prescribed a low dose of paroxetine by my psych. it is supposed to be 12.5mg but she told me to start off by taking half a tab, so about 6.25mg everyday.I do not like what it is doing to me. I constantly panicked before but now I feel nothing. For two days now, there will be a period of about two hours that I will just lie down, head empty, no feelings, like a fucking object. I do not feel alive anymore. Before I could at least cry, when my heart would race I would feel at least present. But now instead of a heart I have a black hole. One that is sucking away the life from me. I do not know if I can keep doing this, I do not know if I can wait until the meds make me feel better. I just want it to stop. I do not like what meds are doing to me",Depression +13932,"I finally got health insurance for the first time in my life, but the copay for therapy is still $50. Which, sadly, I cannot afford right now (I am getting by paycheck to paycheck). Are there other options that you all know of? I have insurance but still cannot afford the $50 copay for therapy. Are there any other options?",Depression +13933,Women do not like it when men body shame them but its okay to body shame guys. I cannot take it no more. I have a tiny penis. No lady will feel it. Society is over sexualize and when a women sees it she will be let down because of how small my dick is.. Ill make it better and will commit suicide tonight. Depressed over my junk size..Killing myself tonight.,Depression +13934,"I am OK looking, but I have a pretty awkward personality and am very slow physically, socially and mentally. This along with other serious mental problems lead ne to spend 50% of my highschool days in mental hospitals. I never developed flirting skills or proper social skills, I am still the age of 12 dating/social wise. I am basically forced to try my best to make friends and flirt with crushes but I end up freezing up and coming off as creepy, I missed out on countless opportunities since 16 (26 male kiss less virgin now). I am tired of being alone so I tried a dating app, turns out you need links to social media to even get any interest! I was told just having 2 pictures of myself (even dressed well and a nice smile on my face) still is unattractive and comes off as boring or suspicious. I have no cool hobbies, no links to doing things with friends, no Facebook, or Instagram. Everyone else has multiple pictures of them doing all these cool things with friends in their profile! I do not even have a fucking friend and have no hobbies since I spent all my peak going through meltdowns and hospitals. I cannot even find hope on the last desperate attempt people go to for friends, and relationships?! BULLSHIT. I do not have friends to do things with, no hobbies to build with major loss of hope, and I am going to be alone forever. I have never been so suicidal and crushed. Last thing to note is I also work retail so I am not even isolated (at least not physically anyway) and try to make friends. I resent my parents for having me. Tried A Dating App From Desperation.",Depression +13935,"Good morning, day or evening to whoever is reading this. I guess you are just bored or idk why are you here. I am here to rant about my mental health issues. I had a pretty normal life with abusive family, a couple of times my mother divorcing and remarrying, bullying problems untill I was fifteen years old, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin and all that normal kinds of stuff. Right now I am eighteen years old, almost nineteen and I am about to move out for university. I come from Russia but for the last eight years I have been living in Tenerife (Canary islands, Spain) and I am going to Bilbao (also Spain). This will be the first time I will live alone and I am honestly terrified of that. You see, I was struggling with suicidal thoughts, twenty nine failed attempts, intrusive thoughts and abandonment issues so this new stage of my life will be actually a test to prove if I can still be alive and not succumbing to my suicidal self. I was never able to go to therapy because it is kind of expensive, I was constantly busy and my second step-father was always a sceptic (I am not sure if it is written like that) about all that psychological stuff. I honestly do not know why I even write this here, maybe to leave a certain mark that I have ever existed or something. Welp, this was a little bit more than I expected so yeah, I think I will be going now. Goodbye everyone, I hope you will have a long, happy life. P.S.- Sorry for an innecesarily long post and I am sorry if I commited too many mistakes. Another rant",Depression +13936,"I suffer from depression, and the last time I was hospitalized was in 2013.Currently, I am going through an extremely dark period. The pain is unbearable. I am not sure whether I will do something about it, but I do have suicidal ideation.How do you know when to go to hospital? In what ways can hospital be useful? it is been so long that I am unsure of the answer to these questions. When do you know to go to hospital?",Depression +13937,"I do not know why I am typing this I just have no where to turn I feel as though I have truly reached the end of what I can take. I have absolutely no reason to feel depressed but here I am struggling every fucking day. Its getting harder and harder to put on my social self I cannot take trying to act okay but I feel as though if I let how then I am just being a drain on everyone else, they all have their own problems why should I also put the worry of me on their list as well. But I cannot go on like this. I have considered just ending it but for one I do not have the money for a funeral and I could not expect my family to pay for that as well, and too I can only imagine how much of a toll it would take on other people like my family and friends and its not at all fair for them to have to deal with that, but I cannot imagine having to deal with feeling like this going on with life. I have tried therapy and different types of anti depressants but nothing works, I just do not know what to do anymore and I feel as though I just needed to vent this all out. But even this posting on a page about depression on a throw away account feels as though I am just seeking attention I do not know what to do anymore At the end of my line",Depression +13938,"Ok. I am not a short-winded person, so I apologize in advance for all the information I am about to dump. To make it easierTldr:I need to fix my inability to be productive. A lot of it can be explained if you understand ADHD and depression-induced executive dysfunction stuff. I have tried:- ADHD medication (36mg concerta, 20 mg ritalin or as needed)- depression medication (Wellbutrin 150)- anxiety meds (celexa 20)- therapy - ADHD coaching- the just fucking do it mentality- the ignore the emotions of not wanting to do it mentality- reward systems- creating daily patterns- coworking/body doubling- breaking down projects into small due dates- using project management programs- scheduling out my whole day, minute to minute- who the fuck knows what elseI am really suffering from this voice that just keeps saying but what if I do not, every time I try to implement each of these tactics. Its to the point that I am not earning enough money to pay $600 of rent out of income every month. Yeah. I am not earning $600 monthly. Its closer to $500, which is about 10 fucking billable hours. Not all of my working hours are billable, but jesus fucking christ this has to stop. The only reason I am holding on is because of past years of diligent saving. Thank god for that and even so I just had to cash out an investment account to stay afloat. What the fuck do I do. My therapist keeps suggesting great ideas, and nothing is sticking. I am truly, seriously, disastrously failing. Anyways, full story:Diagnosed with adhd at 8, medicated at 10. Started on ritalin. Changed to concerta at some point. Switched to vyvance, which made me suicidal. No one noticed, and i did not realize it was medication related, so i was on that for two years. Went back to concerta. Last change to medication was in about 2014. Struggled academically my whole life. Even with the diagnosis I was convinced I was just too lazy to do well. I believe I am smart, but academia and I never agreed. Got a degree in web development and graphic design. I honest to god love it. I love doing what I do, but even that is not enough. I do not even draw for fun anymore. All i do is listen to the same podcasts over and over again. Anways. Since then, finally took ahold of my mental health, got some proper diagnoses in order to start treatment. Potentially relevant diagnoses: avoidant and ruminative type OCD, anxiety, and depression (which is the newest discovery, also should have been the first. It was a no shit sherlock kind of moment, so treatment is just beginning through therapy and wellbutrin). The Obsessive Compulsions create a need for absolute perfection. The OCD says, something bad will happen if everything is not perfect. And the anxiety says, but you could never anticipate every way to make something perfect, and what if its already flawed, before you even start? The depression says, not like you could ever achieve perfect, anyways, so why even bother. The ADHD says, lol by the way, here is a red herring to follow, this will certainly make your work perfect if you spend 12 hours researching it, oh and by the way, here is zero serotonin for any of the work you need to do, but hey, you can have a days worth of serotonin if you keep scrolling on reddit. Also let us forget to do laundry for 6 weeks, forget were putting food in our mouth for 45 minutes, and staring blankly at the floor debating about the best way to start sorting your laundry for two hours is for sure important.So I am on Celexa. Things go well for a while. Anxiety is gone, work is good, I am making good money and enjoy what I do. *Inevitably, anywhere from 4-8 months after starting something new, be it a job, promotion, moving somewhere new, etc, i just stop caring. Its like a fucking brick wall.* And this has been true for more than a decade. New semester of school, I inevitably get straight As for the first four months, then its a race to see which makes it to 0 first: the school year or my GPA. New job? I wow everyone for the first two quarters. I am participating in task forces, developing brand new systems for everyone at work, getting huge compliments from clients and coworkers alike. Then, its just what if I do not? So I get fired, or I am the first person laid off because of the pandemic. Now, I have this amazing thing set up. I am working for myself, which means I do not have to work full time. To make ends meet and save a little extra, I actually only need to work 20-30 hours a week. Its fantastic, i love it. I get to choose my clients, I get to get out of bed at 9 instead of 7, I can go on vacation whenever I want. But the last two months have been a fucking joke. I am thankful I have amazing clients who are understanding and lenient, but I have some huge due dates coming up that I am on the verge of not having enough time to complete. I am losing clients. I am losing money. Last year I made $30k in 6 months. This year, I have made about $6k. What is wrong. I am desperate. I am failing. I do not know what to do. I went on wellbutrin about a month ago. The first two days were magic. The most productive days I have had in 2021. But then the wellbutrin tapered off. I get it, medication talks need to happen with the doc, i know. Its just that I am starting to think those amazing two days will not be something I can replicate. Oh, and were hoping to up the adhd meds soon, but we need to wait on the wellbutrin. Concerta does jack shit anymore. Ritalin gives me about 45 minutes of good concentration. I cannot keep going like this. I really, seriously cannot. Please hep me. I am failing because I cannot make myself care. Every time I need to do something for work or life its just, but what if you do not do that? I desperately need help getting control of this.",Depression +13939,I hate mylife my parents treats me like shit my girlfriend does not really talk to me fuck it I want out of this life. let us do it,Suicidal +13940,"I know it might sound odd but reading other posts of people experiencing similar things helps me for some reason, thank you. Reading posts",Suicidal +13941,"My username speaks for itself, I have been depressed before. And for the last 6 months I have been okay but I am starting to shut people out again, my bf, my family, my favourite people. I hardly eat. And I am not enjoying the things that once made me happy but I do not FEEL depressed like mentally or emotionally. Could I be depressed and not realize it? Idk what else it could be. Maybe stress? Is it possible to be depressed and not realize it or feel it?",Depression +13942,"Everyone is always so rude for no reason whatsoever. I really do not know what else to say. I have a very tight-knit group of friends and I push people away for this reason. My therapist thinks I have borderline personality disorder, which makes a lot of sense. Life is just not going right for me, no matter what I do I am the bad guy. Ugh I do not know what else to say, I am just depressed I think I am just going to give up on people",Depression +13943,"I have decided I am unlovable - I know that is dramatic but I just cannot shift the feeling that some people aka me are just not deserving of love. Some people aka me are just unlovable. do not tell me I am. Even now I am in what we are calling a relationship - he says we are ""dating"" but that we are not ""bf/gf"" - because of covid and distance - I feel like this person will never feel affection like that for me, I am not even sure if he likes me or if I am just convenient. I do not think anyone ever will. How do you tell someone you are seeing that you are essentially emotionally numb, when they reach out to you and tell you they are in a bad place? You say you have not felt emotionally in touch with things since before we met - it has made me feel worse - only reaffirming the aforementioned, I am not loveable. People use me at their convenience, I am the disposable friend, the therapist/bank of a daughter, the lonely and desperate fwb without the friends or benefits to me. I thought this person was different, I thought for a brief moment maybe I would found someone who actually wanted to be with me - not just in a relationship but someone who valued me as a person, someone who did not just convenient. The crushing realisation that this is not true is too much for me to handle. I just want to feel valued and loved. I feel such guilt for wanting to not be alive - so much of my life is where I know others only wish for it to be, I have achieved all the goals I have set out for myself - grades, volunteering, university - but at the cost of feeling so alone. I feel like nobody even my own family care. I feel like I am forever going to be on my own with these thoughts. It was almost a month of not saying to myself ""I want to die"" - I spent the month feeling anxious, of course, but the depressive thoughts had subsided - I thought I was getting better, happier - I thought I was beginning to cope. I am begining to realise, harshly, that these past few weeks were just mania - I am not better, and the realisation is so much worse. Being alive is beginning to hurt again. I am in a dark hole and just as I thought maybe I was getting out I have plunged deeper. I am thinking about antidepressants again, but I am scared last time I drank vodka on them and blacked out - but maybe they are my answer to these thoughts. I have began to fantasise about the logistics again, the how, when, and aftermath. The thoughts have already began forming a plan, I am literally on my own at uni nobody would know unless someone came looking for me but with the way things are I reckon it would a few days before anyone even began to look. It would be so easy, I would feel such relief I know it - but the guilt is too overwhelming, I feel guilty for potentially hurting people who are hurting me. Who are fueling the thoughts that drive me to want to die. The thoughts that make me self-harm. I am just so tired. I have spent the majority of my life fighting the urge to die. When does it stop? - I know the answer to that is obvious. The thoughts are back again after I thought I was doing so well ...",Suicidal +13944,I am 17 M throughout my childhood i was raised Catholic not only have i lost faith and god i hat him and Christianity. I absolutely despise it me being molested by nun was only the beginning of the terrible things Christian's would put me through. My family who use to be hard core drug addicts and fucking whores who act holier than thou because of jesus have never once told me the loved me. The ass beatings the trauma i have been through I fucking hate christianity and god the only people that seriously believe in it are the criminals who want to believe they can be saved syphilitic whores and the mentally ill. I hate the life i have been given i just want the strength to end it all I am so fucking alone. My life has been consumed by nothing but hatred.,Suicidal +13945,"Not that long ago I had a fight with my mom, I slapped her and she slapped me. I should not of done it in the first place but she kept scaring me and I got tired of it. My mind is now telling me to do bad things and saying bad stuff about me. 'you are worthless, you are a burden, no one will miss you, you are better off dead, you are nothing special, everyone will be happier if you died' I self harmed myself a few months ago I lied to my mom saying that my cats scratched me no scars were left behind. But these thoughts happen everytime I get into a fight with my mom. I am just so tired and just want to be normal. It hurts worse because my own father does not want me and I never see my siblings since we are so many years apart. I just want to feel alive and safe, not hide behind a mask and pretend everything is going to be okay. I just want to end it all maybe then people will be happy and I will be forgotten. I do not know why when I get into a fight with my mom I start to get suicidal",Suicidal +13946,"I genuinely wish I was dead. I am 30, almost 31, and I am exactly where I was 13 years ago. Worse, because I do not seem to have any friends anymore. I do not have anyone to talk to. Today I went to the store and my card was declined. My bank account is drained and the bank cannot help me. I am so tired, I can barely get the energy to wake up in the morning, let alone let alone work, let alone exercise and care about my nutrition, let alone go out and find people to relate to. I am so tired. I have been having some very intrusive suicidal thoughts. As much as I desperately do not want to be alive, I could not imagine leaving myself behind for my parents or my sister, or God forbid my niece to find. But I am really worried about how I cannot stop thinking about how much better off the world would be without me in it. I know this post is rambling. My mind is racing. I do not know what to do and I have nobody to talk to Things are going very poorly for me and I am worried about my intrusive thoughts.",Suicidal +13947,"I cut all of them off in high school and dropped out. I do not have a close relationship with my family. They love me and I love them but I keep them at arms length, I am not comfortable letting them get closer. I feel so alone. I wish I had someone to do fun things with, or to just chat. Realized I have no friends",Depression +13948,"Last fall, life was fine. I was applying to universities across the globe and getting accepted by a few. Some I even got good scholarships for. But I decided to decline these offers for a reason I have yet to discover. I thought there were better options for me. Then, I got accepted into my dream university, which happened to be in a country I had always dreamed of moving to. I started telling everybody that I was moving to this country. Then, scholarship announcement day came out. I did not get the scholarship. I had declined every single offer I had been given up to this point because I was stupid enough to think this one university would work out. And it did not. Now I look like a failure to everyone. I had so much going for me, and now its all backfiring. I had already told my boss I would be coming back in the fall and he already found my replacement. So my I am out of a job in about a month. I am stuck going to a shitty community college in my hometown in the rural west of the USA. Everyone always talks about how hard it is to be rejected by your dream school, but its harder to get accepted and not be able to afford it.Nothing seems to be working out for me. Any direction I try seems to not work out. All my friends are going off to their dream schools across the country and now I am stuck in my hometown without a job. I had so much going for me and now its all gone. Its hard to not think about the life I could be (should be) living right now. My life is literally crumbling before my eyes, and I am only 18.",Depression +13949,"I have been so fucking depressed the last two year. And every time things start to get a little bit better, something happens that puts me in a worse position I was before. I am tired. I am just so tired of everything. I wake up wishing I was dead, I lay my head down at night wishing the same thing. Does the pain ever stop. At this point Id rather be numb again. At least the numbness does not hurt I am spiraling and I do not know how to stop",Depression +13950,"People have given their lives for your right to live as Good as possible. They have given their life for yours. So live your life to the fullest, for their sake. Because know; they would of they could. Lifes a gift, do not waste it. Motivation",Suicidal +13951,"And fuc you benjich,ip41. You must feel happy getting a s,ick kick out of reading people posts about sui,cide. Or you just want to be the only one that can feel that way and no one else. Fo,h This is my last post here as I see people get a kick out of reading and commenting nega,tively on su,icidal post,s.",Suicidal +13952,"Nonexistence seems fine too. Either way, I hope I am brave enough to pull the trigger when I decide it is time to leave. If there is an afterlife, I hope it is a lot better than this place.",Suicidal +13953,"Idk where to start.....i just thought life could get better it was not the case. something is are set on stone in fate.. I am just really unlucky when it comes to life... I was adopted never loved... Abused and used in many undesipicable ways. I am too embarrassed to say any of them even I am at end of my ropes now. But I want some random person to notice me... I am scared I am scared alot. I am shaking to the point. I met some kind fellow named ""ilay"" she helped me... She showed me a way. She told me everything will be okay but its not..... I was hospitalised due to covid. I tested positive.... Then I had to pay for vaccine... It was 12.000lkr. I spent every thing on it.... I came home saw i got kicked out and basically homeless agian. While I was gone I let my neighbours watch my dog because they were nice to him... They told me lou which was my dog died because of food poisoning... But i know they killed him.... Parents, siblings, relatives, no one all I have had was a dog. In my life now its completely empty I am screaming at top of my lungs to saying wake up wake up its just a bad dream.. But it is not.... I am sorry for everything... I am sorry for existing... Living is basically hell. I am a mess....",Suicidal +13954,"My only motivation for life at this point is the idea of the lifelong issues it would give my kids if I killed myself. On the other hand, I am fucking them up because of my horrible depression, anxiety and anger issues (before jumping to conclusions anger issues do not mean I physically abuse them). I honestly do not know which is worse for them.I am motivated to stay alive to not mess them up, and I am motivated to end it to stop messing them up. what is worse?",Suicidal +13955,And fuc you benjichip41. You must feel happy getting a sick kick out of reading people posts about suicide. Or you just want to be the only one that can feel that way and no one else. Foh This is my last post here as I see people get a kick out of reading/ commenting negatively on suicidal posts.,Suicidal +13956,"I just do not have it in me to care about people anymore. It takes to much work to love or hate. And for the most part people either do not care about me or have lied to me about caring. I use the firing squad test. If you tell me you love me, what are the odds you would chose to take my place at the bullet end of a firing squad? If the odds of that happening are laughably low, then you do not love me. You sort of care about me. I have learned over the last few years that this is what almost every person who said they ""loved"" me actually meant.So, I too chose indifference. Humans are humans, as other animals are other animals. I do not have the energy to care anymore. Let them play their stupid games. It is only if they get in my way that I will indifferently do what I need to do to enact my will. The only law is what I can get away with. I will forever be alone, but that is a small price to pay. It beats the alternative. Trust me, I am 46, divorced, and no longer speaking with the man I once called father. I know what I am talking about. The Age of Indifference",Depression +13957,Ever since I came back from the mental hospital my parents watch over me nonstop and took away the weapons and meds how do I kill myself How do I kms without weapons/meds?,Suicidal +13958,"Should I end it? Should I just quit? No one would notice, right? Its not like anyone hesitated to leave me, bothered to notice me or bothered to help me. Will they be bothered by my passing? I do not know. Do I want to find out? Yes. Yes I want to, I am only 14 and I am beginning to think there is no way out of here except this way. Should I end it?",Depression +13959,Fuck that poison. It tricks you into temporary pleasure only to stab you in the back the next day. Also fuck you for numbing my brain and causing me to say the most retarded shit imaginable. I am not giving into your temptations ever again you nasty poison. I hate that alcohol is glorified almost everywhere. FUCK ALCOHOL,Depression +13960,I am not sure why I cannot forget it. 3 years ago I took all my nerve together and told my mother how I feel and do not See any Point in Life and how I am thinking about Killing myself on the daily. She seemed to Care at First..Like 5 Minutes but after that she could not Care fucking less and I never talked about It ever again. It felt so...I do not know how to Put it in words. I felt dumb. Like this is some fucking endless cycle of pain I will never be able to escape in my Life. To this day I still often think about why I even bothered trying to get myself Help. I mean..I am Alive. So guesse life is Bearable enough for me to stay..somehow.. I still cannot forget the only time I actually tried to Reach Out for Help over 3 years ago,Depression +13961,Since I was born I have never had an interest for a career. Teachers or whatever always asked kids what they wanted to do when they grew up and it seemed like everyone always had an answer but me. I have never been able to respond to that question with anything but I do not know. Now I am almost 22 with no job and crippling social anxiety (that I have had since I can remember) making it extremely difficult to just go get a job. My social anxiety makes everything outside of my house feel like a painful chore and I just do not have the energy to constantly push through that day after day after day hour by hour.The only interest I have that has any potential to be a career is making music but I have lost nearly all passion for that over the past year even after making some good stuff. Every once in a while I get a little fire to sit down and make something but that is quickly extinguished when I realize I cannot make anything good anymore. It all just feels robotic now. I just do not see how I can have a life when nothing interests me or feels reachable.I do not know what the point of this post is I am pretty much just ranting because reality is hitting me again. No desire or motivation to do anything.,Depression +13962,"Hello all,I am a 20yr old male, who is 1.82m 74kg of athletic build who is generally regarded as attractive. I have had girlfriends, lovers, and much more on the spectrum of intimate partnerships. Reading this subreddit it seems many wish to end their lives due to something they view as missing. I cannot help but feel guilty for having so much of this yet still wishing to be erased. As a 20yr old I am graduating college summa cum laude a year early. I have coauthored a paper with one of my mentors which is going to be published soon, I was on full scholarship plus received grants for research so I have roughly 100k to my name. I have also been accepted to do a fully funded PhD in my desired field of study. I am also fairly athletic, having been on a national team for a relatively unknown sport, and ran in college. Due this I am also fairly well travelled having visited 16 different countries in my time competing. My only true ailment is that I mourn for society, as my chosen field of study is the environment. I sadly am bipolar, and despite finding a drug routine that has kept me feeling the best I have ever felt after 8 iterations of various regiments. Despite having finally found stability in this last year, despite having so much that so many yearn for I want to take my own life. Currently I am dog sitting for my professor for the next week. Caring for her as my professor visits her family is the only thing keeping me alive. Ideation Despite Privilege",Suicidal +13963,"I have 11 days until my lease is up. I went and got a job at McDonalds today because I have no other options. I sat on my ass for 7 months doing practically nothing. I have had almost no motivation to do anything. I have been on medication. I have seen a therapist. Yet I still feel this way. I have been applying to places for weeks. About a month ago I was emailed by an Empower retirement recruiter, asking me to apply to a position. The pay would have been the most I have ever made. I have heard nothing. I even emailed the recruiter. Nothing. So Ill be a McEmployee making almost nothing. Crazy how easy it is to waste 7 months of your short life. I do not have a real plan other than to live out of my car and use a gym to shower. I am taking classes next semester too, but Ill probably drop them all again. Wasting more money and time. My car does not start sometimes. I have almost no friends and my family is not the best. Oh and I am about $10k in debt. what is funny I have no one to blame except myself. I put myself in this situation. So hard to believe this is who I am and where I am at. Sorry for complaining I just want attention I guess. What a sad excuse for a human. Soon to be homeless",Depression +13964,I used to be good at school. I am in my 30s now and started university. I am no longer good at it. I realize it is unrealistic to think I would still be good 12 years out of formal education. But oh my god. Why did I think this was a good idea? I am really trying and trying not to get discouraged but F. I feel so awful and I want to give up because no matter how hard I am trying at school I am SUCKING. So triggered by school.,Depression +13965,"If you check my post history you can see the past week has been shitty for me. I was doing terrible but slowly and steadily getting out of this episode until yesterday and today and I am back to feeling like shit. Yesterday I ate my first meal in 6 days and today I just cannot bring myself to eat. I cannot look in a mirror. I am thinking about leaving all my groupchats with my friends. I cannot drink anything. Getting out of bed is a difficult. I have been playing sims and watching tv shows I like like Key and Peele and The Boondocks but I am starting to lose motivation for that too. I am so tired. Everything hurts and I am just tired. All I have the will power to do right now is play the sims, turn on the tv, cry, and occasionally use the bathroom. Complete loss of motivation after feeling fine",Depression +13966,"Its just weird. I cannot seem to end my life for nothing and you have people offing theirselves because someone left them or something embarrassing. Forgive me if i come off as downplaying other feelings its just...what have to happen to me in order for it to end all. I have no body. Nobody likes me. Every day I am humiliated and insulted whether i hear it or not. I am the worst, most sickest kind of person in the world mentally. Why must i keep being tortured by living when i want to go? It bothers me so much. I sleep outside but i wonder how people who is going through less can successfully end it all and i cannot no matter what I do. I guess I am too broke to even end it.",Suicidal +13967,"This shit is a seven day a week job, the only rest you get is sleeping. it is not like I am miserable every waking second, but it is never easy. And when I am alone with my thoughts, I am consumed with dread, consumed by thoughts that I am a worthless sack of shit who is never going to go anywhere in life and that I need to hurry up and off myself.I just wish I was born as anyone but myself. I wish I could just have a day off from depression",Depression +13968,"Nothing makes sense anymore. You try to be a good person, you do the right things, pay your rent and bills on time. Try to be a good friend and parent. But it is not enough. My job is in jeopardy and I did not do half of what I am being accused of. This is my career, my way to support my son and myself. I could totally lose it and not one person cares. I am getting the cold shoulder from coworkers and I do not know why. All I do is try to make sure everyone is happywhile I am dying inside.We almost lost my mom in March, my son and I found out we both have autoimmune diseases, been fighting traumatic memories and already attempted once which made me stop breathing in my sleep (OD of otc Advil/Tylenol and Valium) bc I am tired of the pain from RA and fibromyalgia. I am tired of the depression, anxiety, feeling like I am nothing but a fuck up.I am 42 and what the fuck do I have going for me? I might lose my job I have built my career on due to things i cannot even defend bc I was not allowed to. Everything I have worked hard for. I do not want to be here anymore and I have lost the will to live. I have no friends here and my family is 1000 miles away. ODing is not going to do shit, I do not have a gun, I do not even have helium and an exit bag like I planned. I hate cutting but its my only other option at this point. I do not even know why I am typing this out. Bc subconsciously I want to fight but I have lost the fight in me, if that makes sense. Psychiatrist told me to call 911 if you are suicidal no. Why? So they can put me in a hospital that sucks at taking care of mentally ill patients?Nothing makes sense anymore. I have lost it all. Or will. I tried to fight but I cannot do it anymore. How. How do I go on when everything is so fucked up???",Suicidal +13969,A natural death strikes me as much worse than suicide. I felt powerless and the pain just dragged on and on. I thought I was dying of a heart attack and I realized something.,Suicidal +13970,"WTF is this society? They judge you for every darn thing you do. You say something, you are rude, you do not say anything, you are arrogant. You do something nice, it are not enough, they do not do something for you, you are to blame cos you should not expect anything from others. Every move you make is looked through a microscope and if you make one mistake, people leave you. Where is humanity and place for soft-hearted people anymore? I am so done with this B.S. It is so darn depressing. Fu*k society",Suicidal +13971,"I am so disappointed, with myselfI was out with the girl I like today, like I make her I guess comfortable, but in the end she was ooking another guy, I mean like she was playing. I knw, she does not like him, but I really cannot deal with that. I just want to die so much, I do not anymore pain in my life. Hope to die at my sleep tonight, wish to me I wish I were dead",Suicidal +13972,Suicide has been on my mind almost daily since I was 12. I will not leave my mind or give me a break. I am 18 now and its still there. I have already attempted suicide 3 maybe 4 times and at the last second my body goes into this survival mode and does what it can to save me. I also get anxiety about what death may bring me. But I still have so much hate for myself and my goal is to one day end my own life. Its so difficult not to think about it,Suicidal +13973,"I am very suicidal and I know I need help but I do not know how to get it or how to keep going. I feel like every little thing is pushing me more and more towards the edge.I was redirected this this subreddit as the first step to getting help but now I do not know what to do. I am in my early 20s and still live with my parents. They do not think I need therapy and do not believe in mental illness. I am under their health insurance and I am not anywhere close to being financially independent so finding medical help is going to be rough.I do not have any friends and I feel completely alone. I have no one that I can reach out to for help so I have no support system. I feel unwanted and unloved. I feel like it is never going to get better and my life is going nowhere. It makes sense though, why would anyone want to love me or help me?I just feel hopeless. I find myself searching up ways to kill myself and I have this urge to run away and leave my life. I do not know what to do. I do not see a point in living anymore",Suicidal +13974,"So I used to come here alot..finding ways to kill myself specifically in September 2020 till January 2021.I litterly tried everything anyone can think of(even eating a poisonous fruit even tho I knew it was not good enough to kill me) only got out of it with stomach aches.So I know and understand how every one of you feels.Although at the time I tried not to think to end it all but I realised suicidal thoughts cannot be stopped when you are living a miserable existence. All of that changed and I got out of my depression..how?I really do not know, one day I got up got dressed and went to school for the first time in months. The reason I went because I found the perfect way to end it all the night before and it was working..halfway through i thought about my parents and family and how it would be an ugly to find me.So I stopped and thought to myself ""hey let us go to school and when I see how horrible life is I would do it with no regrets"" and when I went life did not seem so horrible anymore..I actually had fun. And that is how I realised that I was not normal and severally mentally ill to think of giving up on life because my fucked up brain told me there is no other way.I am here to tell you there is. It might seem like it is the only answer but I am a living proof that it is not. I had the best 6 months of my life when I remember telling my sister I feel like I am never going to feel an ounce of happiness ever again.you are not the first one to ever be depressed and not the last one either. literally every one will get it at some point and feel okay again and you know who never get out of it? people who end it all. it is not normal to think of killing yourself and you are not normal at the moment so your brain is literally killing you by giving you these thoughts. it is all a lie bro and one day when you hopefully get through it you will laugh your ass off at how stupid your thoughts were and it is the best feeling in the world, do not miss on it.if anyone wants to talk you are more than welcomed..stay safe. Depression is a lie..do not fall for it.",Suicidal +13975,"If i had not had bought guitar, i would have killed myself. Do what makes you happy!",Depression +13976,"I have thought about suicide for years, I have kept telling myself to wait. Like many, I am afraid to die and am young(somewhat). I figured, Ill keep trying, but there is no point anymore and soon, I am going to snap. I have no relationship, trapped in the closet (partially thanks to my homophobic father), no hopes or dreams anymore and am so burnt out from helping my mother, along with being overwhelmed with my disabilities(or whatever they are) that I can feel my days are numbered. I have posted on here many times and have seen peoples accounts go inactive. One day, it will be my turn, I have to let them both know how they have hurt me. All I have is hatred and even though I know a big part of why I am here is for reasons that I can only blame my self, I cannot let go of the other half that they did to lead me down this path. I want them both to know what they have done, regardless of what they choose to believe. I am starting my letters to my parents tonight, both are dead to me, but I do not want to leave this world without letting them know how I feel.",Suicidal +13977,I am a 26 F and I feel like I am completely useless. I literally do not have a use in this world anymore. I tried pulling myself together but nothing. I applied for an easy job I used to have but today I was rejected for it. I left because I could not cope with writing while I was feeling so fucked up. I thought I was doing the right thing by quiting my job to focus on me but seemingly all I did was lose a job. I have been applying for work but nothing. I have zero talents or skills. I just do not have a place in this world it seems. Fuck. I feel so useless,Depression +13978,"I finally achieved a long-term goal but I am so damn depressed. After grinding for years, I realize that I do not have friends nor have I dated. I neglected my personal needs in pursuit of a career.I have worked in toxic environments for years and now my mental health is shot. I basically have been in abusive situations for years.I live at home in an attempt to save money. I have lackluster social skills.I am starting to feel resentful towards my success. I feel robbed of happiness and I fear that the future will still suck. Even achieving success depresses me",Depression +13979,"I am horrible with words and conveying thoughts so a ""she will"" is the best way I can describe this feeling. I remember May of 2018 when I graduated from college. That was a wonderful experience and a serious milestone in my life. I was so proud of my accomplishment and was absolutely elated the entire week through the graduation ceremony. I felt excited to begin the new chapter of my life: starting a new job, making my own money, having my own true apartment. At that time I felt pretty happy.In January of this year I had been offered a new job (after searching for 18 months). I had received a 40% salary increase, had the opportunity to move to Atlanta and move back in with my twin brother. One would argue that this was a serious milestone I achieved after graduating from college. should not I be elated about this opportunity? I have been in the new job for 5 months, the new city for 3 months. As I am typing this post out, I am doing some serious soul searching and asking myself, ""How do I truly feel about this incredible milestone?"" that is just it, I do not feel anything. All I truly feel towards this is ""it is a milestone, and it happened."" Its like there is this she will around me that refuses any emotion from entering. I would hate to use the word ""dull"" but that is really what it feels like. The outward emotion that this entire milestone feels, just ""dull"". And yet in reality ""dull"" is not at all how I should be describing this insane achievement. Honestly, its hard to explain.Side note: I have not been diagnosed with depression but today at work my boss noticed I was making more mistakes than usual so he asked me ""Is everything going OK in your world? Atlanta still treating you OK? Just wanted to check in on you because its not like you to make mistakes. Let me know if you need anything."" Him questioning this made me think about the status of my mental state over the past few days and ""a she will"" is how I would describe it. And honestly I have felt this way for the past year almost, even at my old job. I have no one to talk to deeply about these feelings so I wanted to share here. Does depression embody a ""she will"" around yourself?",Depression +13980,"Thinking about throwing my life away. Ruining relationships, losing my job, then I will not have anything left and will make it easier to kill myself Thinking about throwing it all away",Depression +13981,"for context, she knows I am suicidal and is paranoid of me going out alone, even before when she was not aware of my way of thinking. now that she DOES know, the paranoia and overprotectiveness is even worse. i did not answer her calls because i was studying in the library and my phone was on mute and turned over. rightfully so, she is really upset. and i feel even more guilty since i was actually planning to buy painkillers today for yk what. how do i apologize? my mom called and texted me 20+ times, how to i apologize?",Suicidal +13982,"I feel happy for no apparent reason. I do not have any reason to be happy. Drama with family, struggling court case, failing college... But today I am happy or ""normal"" and it does not feel right. It feels wrong but it feels even worse thinking that I need to be sad. Sudden happiness",Depression +13983,"(btw sorry I am french canadian i cannot spell) was diagnosed at 15 took meds for 6 months.i have seen a therapist in those 6 months . i feel so empty that i sometimes wonder how could i be even close to the hapiness i had before the depression. Me and my dad fought a lot verbally . one time we were fighting over me not telling him what i was telling my therapist and he fucking stormed out the house after telling me he was going to jump over a fucking bridge. I was alone in the house while he was on his walk i guess. called my mom in shock , vomited in the toilet a lot and destroyed the phone on the ground while on the phone with my mom. Stopped the meds, smoked weed like everyday not drinking [everyday. now]( I am 24. its been 9 years and tonight I am just getting close to my lowest.i cannot quite figure out what is wrong with me.I wonder if that shit fucfked me up emotionnally but my past relationships ends with me not beeing able to fucking let go.... now that is off my chest i do feel a little better. need to put my emotions in words",Depression +13984,I am stuggling so much I cannot leave my house I have anxiety and everyone is having fun nobody texts me my boyfriend cheated I just do not know why I keep going it hurts so much Can someone talk please,Suicidal +13985,"Moved out of state with my boyfriend and I am seriously struggling.I am uninsured and off my meds (had a job with benefits lined up but because of a situation out of my control I did not get the job. Basically got discriminated against in the pre-employment physical. Furious.)Only just now got a license in this state so I can get a marketplace plan that probably will not cover the treatment I need. But I stopped 4 different meds without the guidance of a doctor because I had no choice.The job I ended up taking is scheduling me every weekend, Saturday AND Sunday, so now I have no shared days off with my boyfriend. I have no friends here so now I spend my days off alone.I used to have hobbies, I was perfectly content alone, but now I do not enjoy anything enough for it to be worth the effort. Everything is too hard.I spend my lonely days off mindlessly scrolling social media. I am bored to death but I do not WANT to do anything.. nothing is appealing.I hate working, I hate these days off alone, I hate everything. I was so excited for a new start but life is just kicking me in the face repeatedly. I am so angry and defeated. Just moved and struggling",Depression +13986,"I cannot cope with life and do not know what to do. I have no friends. My family trigger my ptsd because they remind me of the past. I just have no hope. I am so tired of waking up everyday. I have tried absolutely everything to get better, therapy and medication for years, exercise, yoga, meditiation, distracting myself with work. These things help a little, but overall my brain is just fucked. 2 friends of mine ended their life over the past 2 years and I keep thinking that they had the right idea. I think everyone knows its only a matter of time before I end it, and I feel like I should just hurry up so everyone cannot grieve my pathetic life briefly then get over it and live nice peaceful lives. I think I need to end my life soon",Suicidal +13987,"I went to college, got a useless degree, and now work a shitty job for shit pay and that I despise every second of. I would literally rather be dead than have this be my life.I tried starting a company, it failed. I tried working in different industries, no one will hire me because I am not qualified and I sometimes bomb interviews because I get nervous.I have dealt with so many fucking addiction issues (nicotine, amphetamines, alcohol, steroids (and i did them fucking concurrently) that Ill probably have a heart attack in 10 years anyways. I literally have nothing to live for. My family and friends are great but I have suffered for much too long because of the guilt I feel for feeling suicidal. My teeth are fucking rotting because I have never cared about myself and I never expected to make it to this age (late 20s) and now I owe over 10k in dental care to try to fix that. I am in to much debt I cannot even fucking think straight.I am done, its not my fucking problem that other people are going to feel how I literally feel every waking moment of my life when I choose to end it. Its not fucking fair to have to live this way. I break down crying literally every day at this point. I have some of my good friends weddings coming up and I literally am suffering every day until they are over because I cannot ruin that for them but like what the actual fuck. Why am I forced to be miserable just so other people are not? How is that fucking fair at all. I am sick, I am tired, I am done. Id rather kill myself than work my shitty job any longer",Suicidal +13988,I am absolutely miserable and want nothing more than to die but i have no way of killing myself and nobody is doing anything to help Stuck in a rut and nobody gives a fuck,Suicidal +13989,"give yourself a deadline and at first you will find peace-- euphoric, giddy happiness that the suffering at long last will endbut now that deadlines fast approaching, how can you be so sure? accepting one minute, afraid the nextwhat will find me when there is nothing left?an empty void eternal or a hell that lasts forever... ignorance is bliss, and those things you will forget it is not like you can miss. when you know you are bound to die, that is how you choose to live",Suicidal +13990,"I see the evil on everywhere. Now I am trying to join group I cannot find a religipus group or something for me. As normal groups what I see always I felt like I have been betrayed by humanity. Whenever I look somewhere in earth, wheter real world or any sites on internet people are pure evil. Harming without any justification. Literally no compassion in this world. This is my last post on reddit. Than I will not post anymore and I will avoid from people too. I cannot avoid anymore from my feelings anymore. Hate is wrapping all of my body. In this terrible world morality is something you preach but not live. I feel like I am the loneliest person on earth.",Suicidal +13991,I have reached the burned out stage. I am in a never ending hole of misery and mentally I just cannot take it anymore.I have spent the day trying to decide what to do regarding the care of my children after I am gone and I cannot decide what to do because after I am gone they really will not have anyone.I have spent the last 2 months trying as hard as I can to rebuild our lives and things have only gotten worse. I have never been the person to quit or give up and yet here I am completely broken and past my breaking point.Let this be my last words here as I have shared in a few more places. I tried. No support,Suicidal +13992,"Like dude, you (the host) are the only person I know. Help me out here. I am a younger millennial and hosts my age never do this. And then they leave you by yourself while they flit from group to group socializing, not handling hosting duties.The only time I feel comfortable mingling is when there is a game or another loner I can approach, but no one plays games anymore and nowadays we loners are old enough to just leave, so there are not any anymore except for me. Its VERY rare to have someone approach a loner so I try to be that person, even though I have very very seldom been on the receiving end of such a gesture. If I join a group conversation, I am treated like an invasive weirdo. Never addressed with words, only glances and glares.It kills me that people are just cool with me being by myself. But I *want* to stick around. Does this make sense? What happened to the host of social events introducing guests to each other? What happened to people approaching loners in order to include them?",Depression +13993,"Lately I am been going through almost daily battling depression and I am not sure how to fix it. I would say I have had major depression (not medically diagnosed) for about 2 months now, but its been slowly growing over the course of 6 months when I could still function. I moved from East to West coast of the US and thought I would be fine when I moved. However the past 2 months of living alone has been extremely tough on me.I have days where I have some semblance of ""normalcy"" where I can cook/prepare meals, clean, etc (do stuff I need to). But most days as of lately are just me sulking about my life situation and I barely have enough energy to even get out of bed or stand up. So its those odd days that still keep me going. Overall I have been having incredible feelings of **dread**, **hopelessness**, and **aimlessness**.**Dread** because I have had this idea in my head of how I want to live my life, but nothing is the way I want it. After college I wanted to move abroad and live in an rural foresty area. But, currently I still live in the US and live in an urban desert (Arizona). I strongly feel like I **do not belong here** but I accepted the job anyways since I need experience out of college. I hate cities, hate the heat, and hate driving; all things I have to deal with.**Hopelessness** because I have many things I want to do and improve on. But cannot get myself to do them; creating an endless cycle of berating myself. I distract myself with YouTube, video games, and talking with friends; which makes me temporarily happy but when I stop and realize where I am, I just break down.**Aimlessness** because I do not know what to do with myself. Even though I am working in a company that has nice and helpful co-workers/managers; I just do not care about the work and am only planning to stay here for 3 years to get experience. However, the 2 months I have been here the longer days feel. I thought I would make friends at work but am not putting in effort in making them, and so put myself in a lonely situation.I tried looking for therapy after I got insurance from my company but all have waiting lists since they are completely booked. I still apply anyways but am not hopeful for any help coming soon. Depression Worsening but feel lost on to fix it",Depression +13994,"Am I the only one who feel stressed during summer break ? I am a senior student in high school and I am starting to worry about studying for my final year .... ugh that is killing me !!!(The final year of high school is a big deal where I live, it is similiar to the korean sat) Stressed out during summer break",Depression +13995,"Ok, this could sound dumb and pathetic, but for the past two years I have been fighting existential crisis and I am still out of luck. I have turned out 18 years old couple days ago, yet I was more sad than happy that day. If we live in the world where diseases, poverty, climate change, animal cruelty, war, greed, take places first, then what is the point of life? People say that the key to life is happiness, but how can you be happy about a things which are mostly leading towards the self destruction of humanity, yet people do not care, or care too less. I cannot even enjoy life anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I am constantly silently crying in my bedroom every night not because I have some sorts of local problems, but because the civilization is ignorant, and all I can do is to watch as we self destroy ourselves. The world is on fire and I cannot bear it anymore.",Depression +13996,"Had no hope for years, do not expect to find any. I know that I need to give up, so it is what I want to do. Except I am a huge pussy so I have not followed through with all the attempts that would have killed me. I hope I kill myself this year, or atleast 2022",Suicidal +13997,"So my roommate is one of my best friends and has been for some time. Today she told me she feels like she cannot talk to me about things because when I express my annoyance to her about not cleaning up after herself, it hurts her feelings. I can totally understand where she is coming from and I am trying to do better, but its hard. I have been telling her for some time that I expect her to clean up after herself in common areas after a reasonable span of time (several hours to a day). This means cleaning the kitchen after cooking, throwing out old food in the fridge, vacuuming the dining room if the floor is dirty, cleaning up the ash from her bong (she self medicates with weed instead of going on antidepressants and seeking therapy), etc. it just feels like I am the only one making an effort to clean and she only cleans if I ask her to. The problem is, she says that executive functioning like cleaning is extremely difficult for her because she has depression and adhd. I can sympathize with her because I have OCD and mood regulation issues, but I have no trouble keeping the common areas clean and prefer to do so. I just cannot be the only one doing it. I have tried explaining to her that I love living with her, but its just frustrating being the only one who makes an effort to keep things clean. She takes this as me calling her lazy and disgusting, even though I have never called her those things. She has this idea that everyone secretly hates her and will grow tired and abandon her, and me being annoyed at her not cleaning is just a sign this is true. What can I do to make doing household chores easier on her, aside from just doing them for her? I want to continue living with her, but I cannot be her maid. Help with a depressed roommate",Depression +13998,"To give a back story growing up the house hold was very abusive I.e physical abuse, emotional abuse and food was not always given (even when we had the means to do so). I went to college taking 45-60 thousand dollars in debt, basically as a way to get out of the abusive household with no real idea or plan. I am now 24 and know what I enjoy doing as a career path but refuse to go back to school and put myself through further debt. It feels as though I am unable to move on with my life and I am very stuck. I love my partner but I am also sure they would be better off without me. I feel I am too old to go back to school and will not make much if I do not. At this point in time I have given up on the idea that tomorrow will be better. I have chosen to isolate myself from everyone in order to not feel less inadequate regarding myself and to not have them feel bad as its hard to be happy about their achievements currently. Has anyone else felt like this, and if so what do you do? No achievable ambition",Suicidal +13999,"I have only realised this as i spoke to my mother about it. But from a young age I have looked forward to death and found it peaceful, i recall thinking about this when i was around 7, like i never really properly fit in, like death was just like, the end of a long day. I have been diagnosed with depression recently but could i have been depressed from a young age, (I am 15 btw) or am i just broken ?? Am i broken?",Depression +14000,"I will do it no joinin, I will end my life fast or sogort I like this girl so much I cannot see her with another boy, I went her so much it is propably the right time",Suicidal +14001,"Whatever I do I just keep fucking up my life. If I do one thing right I do two things wrong.I have met the girl of my dreams, the only one I have ever lpved and I am just too insensitive or unaware that I Hurt her feelings. I finally managed to get a job and it is awful, I get a promotion andnit's even worse and the shift change is fucking up our relationship, I quit benzos and I am more anxious than everI keep trying and I keep making myself more miserable, I should have killed myself a long time ago. I am so tiredThe only girl I truly love seems to just drift away, and I do not know what to do, I do not want to lose her I fucking hate myself right now.",Suicidal +14002,"just saying it in a quasi public way. i (32M) do not really want to be alive. have been in self-imposed exile from everyone but coworkers for just over 6 months now after deeply hurting someone who trusted me. feel like the chaotic nature of my behavior has totally derailed my whole identity and invalidated basically everything i thought about myself my whole adult life, and the arbitrary meaning I would assigned to behaviors and projects is now inaccessible in order to not further hurt others or disrupt communities. some days i recapture some ambition, but most days i am just going through the motions, and days of energy are often devoted to cleaning up the accumulated mess since the last energy day. i think maybe i could start getting a way out of this from talking to the person i hurt, but i think they are not interested in talking to me, and i do not want to re-victimize them by interacting with me, and especially being presented with, directly or indirectly, some potential of taking on my problems. there is also someone who loves me, who i left, who I have also blocked out. i miss them all the time, i think about them every time anything good happens, but i also know that i cannot be what they need me to be for them, and maybe the reverse as well. i want to let them know I am still alive, but i also do not want to reopen old wounds that may be healing by now, or disrupt them meeting someone new who will treat them how they need to be treated. my lease ends in a week, and i do not know where I am going to go. i had a traumatic experience with my current landlord, and do not want to talk to them, or have to talk to anyone else. searching for apartments or housing is overwhelming. there are a few places i may squat, but then I am risking getting an eviction or trespassing, which will make it very difficult to get housing in the future. i can sleep in my car, but food will get very expensive without refrigeration or any method of cooking. i guess i just do not feel like there is a way out, like I am trapped. i do not really want to talk about it",Suicidal +14003,"I worked really hard today and did alot. I came home and realized I forgot to organize something. I feel like shit now, like the last nine hours of work did not matter. Sorry I know this is pathetic. Can someone tell me I did good?",Depression +14004,"Hello, I would call myself as ""depression survivor"" because I have survived a few nearly successful suicide attempts. After some time I have thought myself how to live with depression but I cannot get rid of the ""option"" in my head to kill myself whenever something happens. That ""option"" is 24/7 in my head and even though I consider myself as happy person now, sometimes I still think about it. My question is how can I force myself to not see it as an option. It currently is the biggest obstacle I have to face and I would like some advice from anyone that has similar experience.DISCLAIMER!I have no intent in killing myself. I have learned to not listen to those thoughts. They still remain in my head and I seek any (not only professional) advice in how to at least reduce those thoughts, ideally to get rid of them.Thank you in advance for any suggestions or advice. How to deal with suicidal thoughts?",Depression +14005,"Like I am a lonely, conscious fish in a small fish tank. A cat that is trapped inside a cage with bare minimum. Every single day I may interact with ppl but it does not mean anything. there is no time. there is no hope. there is no ups and downs. Everything is just a flatline. Like I am a conscious walking zombie on life support. Like I am breathing, talking, but at the same time I am not. Like it is so painful, but at the same time I am so used to it I do not even feel it anymore. Trapped",Depression +14006,Depressed I am so damned Depressed.. I have so many financial problems in my life which cannot let me live my life because life is typically useless without money and there is less job opportunities in here for me ... Who cares to help,Depression +14007,"I try my best but I cannot and I feel like shit. A lot of my friends decides to trust me with their secrets and problems and still, I constantly fail to support them. Sometimes I wish they did not share that much because having to think about what to do and say to help them stresses me out and its still not enough to be useful. Instead of giving actual good advice I start to tell them what I think they would like to hear and I always end up saying stuff that does not make sense and its just confusing for them. I feel like shit and I just wish they could find someone who can actually give them good advice instead of sticking out with someone that does not even care about them but just wants them to shut up about their problems to go have fun. I hate myself more and more whenever i think about this I cannot support people.",Depression +14008,"I do not know how much longer I can do this. I feel so unenthusiastic about everything in my life. Nothing interests me, I barely ever get out of bed. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing for me to do, I just cannot get myself to get up knowing I have nothing to look forward to. I spend most of my time lying in bed, usually either sleeping or just using the internet. I do not have any friends so I do not talk to anyone, the only people I talk to is my family but the only time I talk to them is when they come visit me in my bedroom. I do not have a job, I do not go to school, I do not do anything. I cannot get myself to get up and do anything. I have very bad social anxiety and I have been told before that I am weird so I do not even bother trying to make friends anymore. Things are just starting to get harder and harder, even lying in bed I get suicidal thoughts and thoughts of sadness and emptiness. I have two siblings and they both have a lot of friends, jobs, and they went to college. My parents are so ashamed of me because of how I turned out. I do not blame them I guess I really am just a freak. Nothing seems to make me happy. I feel empty.",Depression +14009,I have been having a lot of intrusive thoughts about losing loved ones and tragedies happening and imagining how traumatic and horrible that would be. I cannot shake.them.off. they keep.coming back. I also feel empty and cannot find much joy in hardly anything. I hate going through depressive episodes they remind me how much my life sucks and how I will never be happy or content. Intrusive thoughts and anxiety trigger my depression,Depression +14010,"21F. I am ugly, fat and stupid. Depression has aged me beyond words. I have physical pains everyday and my skin is so dull and gross. I have been hated since I was a kid. I cannot remember any happy time during my childhood. All I remember is the abuse and pain I had emotionally. I do not enjoy anything in life still. I cannot feel pleasure. Chatting to people used to make me feel good..now I feel nothing at all and do not even want to. I just wish I could take some poor kids cancer away and inject it into myself. I am the worthless one who will never amount to anything..I stopped college because I am too fucking brain dead to do it. I wish someone would fucking shoot me in the head already I hate myself, my life, everything",Suicidal +14011,"I have been depressed for as long as I can remember.. I feel like a lot of my careless and impulsive behavior strains from the fact that I know I do not want to be here for long. I am such an angry and scared person how could I ever feel like I could do this for so many years??I mean genuinely.. I have dealt with suicidal ideations for almost 5 years now. I will be 20 this upcoming October. since it is my first year of college even trying to decide a major or starting college just is not serious to me. my min is 24/7 just negativity branching out and the only time I feel myself is when I am not. smoking to distract myself or for an appetite. its like I am not even living at this point. everything I do is only to mask this horrible mentality and to show others that I am "" doing fine"". when in reality I genuinely feel nothing. I have tried countless times to be optimistic and keep my head held high bullshit and its always manic.. then I am back to where I started almost 5 years ago. sad and lonely. now I know I am surrounded by family and a great amount of friends but its never enough to change my mental and be happy. I am always so exhausted and I overthink every single thing in my life, I am so fixated on everything to the point where I can not enjoy anything. I do not blame anyone for me feeling this way. I do not even blame myself. I have gotten help I have taken therapy, taken anti psychotics and even serotonin re uppers and nothing. at this point I do not even fond it sad that I do not want to live. I am just so exhausted and overwhelmed. who knows maybe I am too self aware? too bad. I am so mentally tired of myself lol. impulsive and careless.",Depression +14012,Wanted to kill myself the second I woke up. Just a fantasy or premeditation?,Suicidal +14013,"I am 27 and I have one group of friends that are slowly drifting apart, we do not even talk anymore but I consider them friends still because we knew each other for a long time. I live with my mom and my siblings, my siblings do not want to hang out with me. My mom is all that I have, but we do not do anything together other than talk. So that still leaves me bored throughout the day. I literally sit on the computer all day, and when I am not on the computer I am walking around the house looking for something to do or in bed. People who I think are close end up ghosting me like I am nothing to them. I am just so exhausted. I do not have anything to do during the day, let alone anyone to spend time with. I am tired of spending everyday alone",Depression +14014,"I slit my right thigh four times with a knife and I have been shaking and trying not to cry for the past 30 minutes, because my mom might be going to jail soon I am only 14 and I cannot cope with this kind of pressure. I just need to talk to good people.",Suicidal +14015,"Hey you all,I am not looking for advice really. I have nobody else to tell this too, not because I do not have anybody but because I do not think this topic is really one people enjoy talking about haha.I think I am finally going to commit to doing it, its been a long time coming and I have never felt happier knowing I am going to die. I do not know if this is the right sub but I was redirected here after having my post removed for suicidal ideation, so there is that. Anyhow I love you all and I hope you all find a way to affirm your life. I seriously & legitimately empathize with you all on the most fundamental level. I can seriously understand everything about feeling this way, I have been fighting it since 14.But this is really it. Feels odd. Ill miss you guys. Bye. Hey friends, I think I am doing it",Suicidal +14016,"i just do not understand it. often i feel like I am swept, like I am consumed with anger and grief. i cannot do anything. i spend hours lying in bed incapable of doing anything, just crying. i stopped any planning ahead because i know i will break halfway. and whenever I am in this mood, i cannot break out of it too. i often think of starting to self-harm again, too(I have been clean for 5 years thank you very much). i feel like I am the most miserable person on earth and i should just take my life to end this suffering because i will never do anything decent, never achieve anything, never be anything of worth. i can listen to music or take a walk or talk to somebody or do nothing and just lie down, it has no effect what so ever. I have lost friends because of it too.but i kind of snap out of it as randomly. and i go on feeling well, genuinly confused and thinking ""wtf was that? what was the problem with me? could not i just up and get going?"" until it hits me again, and i think ""ooh that is why"". does anyone else get those experiences and how do i fight the sad mood tides because I am seriously tired of being randomly incapacitated by them sometimes i feel well and it makes me wonder",Depression +14017,I want to die because life has no point and it never becomes better but I am too pussy to do it Sorry,Suicidal +14018,"I hate myself for allowing me to get to this point. I wish I had pushed harder years ago when I was stronger. I wish I had gotten help sooner rather than trying to deal with it myself like an idiot. I wish I had been brave enough to come out as trans sooner, instead of hiding it for years. I feel so ashamed of myself",Suicidal +14019,"Day in and day out I just sit at home while my parents work. I have 1 friend who I hardly ever see, I never change out of my PJs, I never get ready, I never do anything productive or worthwhile, all I do is sit in my house on my computer and eat my meals until its time to shower and go to bed, I wake up at noon the next day and do it again, it is not even particularly miserable, it just sounds that way. It feels just practical to me, why would I get ready every day just to do the same thing I do now but uncomfortably. it is just more work for nothing, I know I am lazy but what does it even matter, I have no responsibilities right now so why should I create any Is it normal to do literally nothing all the time",Depression +14020,"I have nothing to truly live for at 23 years old. I have tried everything I can to enjoy things but I cannot seem to enjoy anything. I look at all these people that are happy and enjoying things and I find it pitiful that I cannot do that. I Constantly tell myself that I am worthless, that nobody should waste their time with me. I almost killed myself at 18, held a gun up to my head and almost pulled the trigger. I should have followed through. I tired of feeling like this, it is the only thing I ever feel anymore. I should have killed myself when I was 18",Depression +14021,I am posting this message as soon as i hang myself. call the police so they can get my body. My address is 742 Roger Ave Allen Park Mi 48101 I will be dead by the time they get there I am killing myself,Suicidal +14022,"my abandonment issues have gotten to a point where i cannot even feel safe in any of my friendships anymore. most of my life I have been abandoned by pretty much everyone I have ever known but the last straw was this one person who was so dear to me that cut me off some months ago and ever since then I have been so messed up. i have this constant fear that someone will just get sick of me and cut me off like that person did. and its holding me back, its literally unhealthy at this point like ill be finally opening up to someone but as soon as i realize that I am actually enjoying their company i just make up some excuse and end the conversation for a while just to avoid attachment. alright I am done now thanks for coming to my ted talk abandonment",Depression +14023,"I cannot get a grip (: I have wasted everyone is time, and fucked everything up. No more, thanks. The Big Sleep. Soon.",Suicidal +14024,"I have survived for too long. I have got help through every possible way imaginable. Still I know I will die soon. I am tired of this life, I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of not being enough for others. I am mostly tired of not being enough for myself. I hope I find some peace in my death. I just feel sorry for all the people who I know love me. I know they will blame themselves for not being able to do enough. Nothing is enough for me though. Its just a constant cycle and I am tired of being a burden. I am just so fucking tired of everything. Surviving is not living",Suicidal +14025,"I am such an unnatural freak, I should be dead. I cannot function like a human being and that makes me feel like garbage, like there is something wrong with me. I do not understand. Why do I feel like this? Why cannot I just cope with life like other people? I am so depressed I cannot get out of bed.",Depression +14026,"The last bad relapse I had was when I was 11, and I stayed in bed and did not eat/drink or go to the bathroom and cried and slept all day. For 3 days. Now 7 years later, I relapsed for a week and did not eat properly. I withdrew myself from my friends. The because of relapse? My mom overstepping my boundaries and worrying about her invading my privacy (like going through my diaries and journals. she is done it before so it could happen again). Both times I expressed/ attempted suicide I was screamed and shouted at for being selfish, inconsiderate and immature. I am simply tired of existing and no longer want to feel the pain I feel. Depression flared up again because of therapy and my therapist siding with my mom, who caused a lot of my issues, and not believing/ belittling me. ...And now it is been a good 5 days since I have eaten proper meals, interacted with my parents, or just functioned properly in general. I tried to choke myself 3 times this past week. I literally cannot come up with any other creative way to kill myself. I want help, but I do not want to go back to the hospital when I was the youngest one there. It felt like a fucking retirement home. My highschool counselor is away and I do not want to burden her. I hate my current therapist and want to look for someone else. I thought graduating highschool would make my life easier, but this year really turned for the worse for me. Anxiety attack for 3 whole months. On and off depressive episodes. Therapy is not working and mental health services are so slow and limited. Is there really hope for me when I am merely existing? It was not this bad before.",Depression +14027,"I just want financial security and good health and a husband and kids. I want to feel loved and important. I am just hated by everyone I meet and unwanted everywhere I go. I feel like I do not belong on this planet. Everything is too much for me. Hopefully I can have everything I never had here after I die, or go back to wherever I belong because I know its not here. I know my soul is not from here. I feel so alone here but I know I will not be when I finally die Suicide is my only way home.",Suicidal +14028,"I have always feelt wrong, like i could never get as excited by things my friends would. I have been looking for anyway to get better including med hospital group and one on one therapy. I did not have a bad life. Functiong and loving family great social circle. But i always have the feeling that i am not happy and I have never been. Somedays you can take it but it is just so hard trying to pretend to be alright when in reality you are as close to suicide as the 2 times you actually tried it. The only thing that makes me get away from my thoughts are drugs(both benzos i get from my doctor and booze and weed). it is not a solution and i know that i have a problem but i have tried everything and i have not found amything that made me feel even slightly better. Everyday i think I am at my limit. I do not know how lomg i can keep this up Just my story",Depression +14029,"At least once / twice per day, I see myself in mind dying in various ways. Like getting eaten alive, getting burned alive, getting ripped limb by limb etc. I have suicidal thoughts where I die in brutal ways",Suicidal +14030,I feel so incredibly sad Can I talk to someone please?,Suicidal +14031,"Hey guys I really do not know how Reddit works so I am giving this a try. Never thought my first post would be on something like this. Not sure if it falls under depression but its been hard to keep going. I am not thinking of suicide or anything crazy but I have recently fallen into the mentality of what is the point? I am 21 years old I have plenty of friends even a girlfriend. I used to love going to the gym every day and now it feels like a chore. Everything I do feels like a chore. Recently I have been thinking that I am just doing all of this to get a good paying job work a 9-5 and call it a day. At the end of the day I am just going to die eventually, could be tomorrow or 60 years from now. I cannot really talk to my parents about it because they tell me you have friends a girlfriend and a job you have nothing to be sad about When people ask me what is wrong, I do not really know what to say because nothing in my life is worth being sad over. From an outside point of view my life is great, but its easier to tell people I am fine than explain things. I do not really know what I expect to come of this post but typing it out has helped me out a bit. Thanks for reading. New User",Depression +14032,"I have learned that, when things start to go wrong, most everyone will abandon me. it is happened more times than I can count. A school project? A relationship? A job? A sick parent? Any inconvenience whatsoever? My welfare does not come first or second, but last. I am tired of picking up the slack for other people.I have low self-esteem and that does not help. But I also genuinely want to help other people; I know how hard things can get and I want to help support other people how they need. I cannot do everything, nor can anyone, but I would just hoped for more.I care about myself a lot and want the best for myself so I am trying to focus more on that while looking for better friends.I do not intend to be selfish. It just hurts to feel unsupported by the people that are most important to me. This clearly has not been working for me and I need to change something about it. When Things Go Wrong",Depression +14033,"Sometimes when I am listening to music that I really like I imagine myself being the person who made the music... I think of how people that I like or important to impress around me would see me and think I was amazing. I think this is a very narccistic thing to do but I have done it for a long time now. I expect so much out of life and reality can never fit the expectation's in my mind. I want love like love in the movies, I want to love and receive love. I used to think maybe I was too pathetic and sensitive for this world but the more I look at myself I realize that I am the problem. I am not a good person, I am so insecure and pathetic that it is dangerous for other people around me. My fears and insecurities are forming me into a terrible person and I do not have the energy or motivation to fix any of it. My mentality is so messed up, I sit here and think nothing I do matters since I can just kill myself. When people push me to get motivated and do something that thought crosses my mind, I think of threatening my life if they try to push me. Of course I have never done that but how long will it be before I do? I sit here day after day reading these posts from all of you guys finding some sort of messed up comfort from others being in my position. Part of me thinks its okay to be suicidal because others out there are too. I could right a book on why I think I should just die. it is like I am waiting for someone else to tell me I can do it. That it is the right thing to do... and even after I post this its possible for my mentality to completely change. I will think no I am worth it no I can do this. But I do nothing to change, everything is in my head. I do not want to do this the rest of my life, if everything is in my head I will only be met with disappointment in pain on the outside. This includes my own actions and mistakes. I just do not think that I am cut out for this world. I do not know anything anymore",Suicidal +14034,"I am depressed, but I have always been falling towards this place. I wasted time on reading excessively in early age, to playing Lol and thinking about it most of a day, to watching Youtube for 7 h everyday, to browsing reddit, youtube and watching anime. I never lived my live, I never provided value or do anything meaningful. I am lucky enough to have friends that pull me out of the house or get me into parties, but I probably never in my life went out with anyone by my own will. Depression eats me and I allow it. I fall behind my peers, I never really understood them because I do not grow and despite my attempts - I do not believe I can do it. I cannot quit and working on myself does not help because I am becoming even more depressed with how i cannot ""enjoy"" live in ways I am comfortable with. Anyone relate? I never really lived",Depression +14035,"I think most of my negative traits and quirks come from the fact that I have absolutely no confidence in myself what so ever. I sabotage myself at every chance, I refuse to stand up for myself even for the tiny things. I refuse to participate most of the time and when I do, I do not put in much effort. I withdraw from everyone around because I do not think anyone wants me around. I let people verbally abuse and mock me with no resistance. I just bottle up the pain and the anger. I used to think I would explode one day, but even when I get angry I hold back. I do not have the confidence in myself to let loose righteous anger or even defend myself when someone is being abusive. I have piss poor social skills though I am exceptional at faking it.I feel this desperate need to take a stand or finally stand up, but despite having so many chances to grow the backbone or simply just tell someone to fuck off, I have yet to do so. I wish I had a mentor when I was a kid to help guide me and help me find value in myself. Instead I was mostly left to fend for myself, but instead of being hardened I was softened. I have negative self confidence",Depression +14036,\_ o _/ Nevermind,Suicidal +14037,"I know it is not possible, but I literally sleep for 4-5 hrs at night, its almost 2:30 am here and as soon as I try to sleep all the thoughts and memories run through my mind, my mind is fill up with all those happy memories of my frnds and gf. Now when I am left alone as I lost all my frnds and gf , I realize how much I cared for them, How much I trusted them, I gave them all I had, Spend enough time with them, Made them laugh, helped them, all I did was loving them truly from bottom of my heart, did all the good things and in return I only got misery, suffering, pain in my chest, insomnia and loneliness. No matter how many sheeps I count at night, my mind ends up in the ocean of my old memories where I was truly happy. And as soon as I realize that tears start rolling through my mind. I just want my frnds and my gf back nothing else. I want someone is shoulder to cry on. I think at some point I will lost my ability to sleep.",Depression +14038,"I am dumb and numb , i made so many mistakes. I have lost everything and every options now I am 26 and it is too late to fix my life. I am too broken and sick I am my own murder... Hate myself because I am stupid",Depression +14039,I cut myself for the first time last night and have been continuously hiring myself various ways. I am just hoping one works eventually to end it all Hurt myself,Suicidal +14040,"Hey everyone,First time poster here. I am 30 years old and I have been fired or laid off from 3 jobs. I just got laid off from my current job today after working there 4 years. My landlord also recently told me she wants to airbnb the place I live and I will have to move. I have had a few relationships but nothing serious in the last year and a half. I do not have a drinking or drug problem I just do not think I am able to function anymore.When I was 20 years old I remember hearing Larry King sincerely say things always have a way of getting better and I really took that to heart. After watching how things have progressed over the last 10 years things have not gotten better. It does not seem worth it anymore.Also, I am not currently suicidal but have been there before. I am not really sure what I am going to do next but thanks to anyone who reads this. Laid off and kicked out of my house",Suicidal +14041,I only have 5 years left until my 20s are over and I doubt that I will find a woman. Its frustrating. When will I have my moment?,Depression +14042,"The trauma haunts me on a daily basis. The voices and eyes haunt me on a daily basis. I cannot even shower. I am disgusting and disgraceful. I am a waste of air. I am a lazy piece of shit . I am a degenerate. I cannot even pay my bills or keep a job. Everyone is broke. I am on the verge of homelessness. I JUST HATE MYSELF. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. I fucking hate my life. There is no hope for me. I am awful, selfish, ugly, disgusting. I have an ugly personality. I deserve death. I fucking hate myself with all that I am. I fucking hate voices and visual hallucinations. I hate myself the most. I cannot deal with the trauma I went through.",Suicidal +14043,"My love blocked me a few days ago. I know I earned that for myself. I know she is right to do so. I know its better for her to not have me around. But it still hurts so much. Ill do us both a favor, and make it so that she will never have to deal with me again. My time is coming very, very fast. I just hope she knows I love her. Did this to myself",Suicidal +14044,"I am getting more and more depressed every day. I slept for 14 hours today. Its getting worse and I want help, but I legitimately am unable to bring myself to tell my mom. I have been wanting to tell her for a month, but I can just not bring myself to tell her. I am sure she would be super compassionate, but like any time I am about to tell her I cannot. I just freeze and pretend I am fine. What do I do? Self-Diagnosed Depression",Depression +14045,"I work a lot... to the point where some days its all i do is wake up, travel to work, work (often staying late) and travel home and sleep. When i get home my mother is instantly on my back about something or the other. She abused me and gaslights me. I am so tired of life. I am so tired of people needing me to do things but also never needing \*me\* to do things. Maybe that does not make sense... I am prepared to die... I am so close to done... I cannot do it anymore",Suicidal +14046,"It s almost funny how everything can become so tastless all of a sudden and all what you can feel is agony , you become dull to all emotions and still you have to keep that smile you have to act normal because you know that no one can change shit all they can do is feel sorry for you wich only increases the agony because you know that they are all either actors or too stupid to feel their suffering . It s almost funny how everything can become so tastless all of a sudden",Depression +14047,"Fuck it, not like thoughts matter anyway. They do not exist I think about killing myself daily, I have only just realised that is not neurotypical behaviour is it?",Suicidal +14048,"We live, then we work till we die just to live our lives.What else is it? Really, honestly, what is the point in life?",Depression +14049,"It happens almost every day, I suffer from anxiety mainly but I do not think this has anything to do with it. Its very noticeable, even my friends tell me. When the sun light disappears and the darkness of the night begins my mood completely changes: I get sad and very tired, like I cannot even keep a conversation going anymore, I just stare and listen but do not have the strength to reply more than yes or seem interested. I look out of this world and cannot even hide how much I need to go home. When I get home the symptoms lessen a bit tho. Does this happen to anyone else? Does it have a name? And how can I deal with it?? I get very depressed and tired when the sun goes down and night begins",Depression +14050,Even with a bmw old model and some bills i cannot get a girlfriend Crying like a slut,Suicidal +14051,Broke up with my 7 year gf within a month started dating another girl and now I feel conflicted as my ex is back and she says she will do stuff better and try to understand what I am going through. I cannot choose. I am 21 and I am unemployed. cannot find the smallest of jobs and this relationship stuff has been taking its toll on me and I cannot cope up with the stress at home. I know this does not seem like much compared to what others are going through but I think I am a little sensitive and I feel lost. The world will not miss a terrible person.,Suicidal +14052,"If I were to fully look at myself, I could not bear it. Even looking at myself a little bit in the mirror, I am mortified. The full thing, the way I look from the perspective of a well functioning person, is way too much to bear.What a fucking shitshow. There is the truth that I would see if I looked at myself from how other people see me. That is so painful to see. If I saw that, I would not be able to do anything or move forward in any way. If I am to move forward, I need to reject that truth. Good god am I a pathetic person",Suicidal +14053,"If I were to fully look at myself, I could not bear it. Even looking at myself a little bit in the mirror, I am mortified. The full thing, the way I look from the perspective of a well functioning person, is way too much to bear. What a fucking shitshow. There is the truth that I would see if I looked at myself from how other people see me. That is so painful to see. If I saw that, I would not be able to do anything or move forward in any way. If I am to move forward, I need to reject that truth. Good god am I a pathetic person",Suicidal +14054,"I just got diagnosed with depression. I am on depakote, risperidone and amitriptyline. I know that it sounds pathetic, but I have not had friends for 3 years and I have never felt older. I am only 15, but lately everything has been making me feel so old. I just cannot talk to people,there are so many things wrong with me. I cannot even cut anymore, I threw out my blades, because I was sick of my scars, but now I regret it. I cannot believe I managed to get through these 3 years while studying like crazy. My wasted energy was not worth it. I am sorry if this does not make senes, I am really tired of everything. This is terrifying.",Depression +14055,"I am have a really, really bad existential crisis. I do not remember exactly how it started, but I think it started with I am going to die alone because I do not want anyone in my life and people stress me out. Then I started thinking I am going to have to kill myself before I get old because I do not want to die alone. And finally, we are all going to die anyways, so what is the point? that is where I am at right now. I hate it. I am not motivated I do anything because it all comes back to what is the point? I also have had depression for a long ass time, so this on top off what was already there is just hell on legs. Today has been worse than usual. I have always hated being emotional in front of people, but recently it has just gotten way worse. I am now actively shutting off my emotions. I do not feel like crying, even if I do they hardly come out. The word emotions physically makes me cringe. I feel numb now. Can someone tell me how to live again? And please to tell me to give life meaning. Do you think I have not tried already? Can you give me a solution?",Depression +14056,"I have been pretty sure i have depression for years. about a year ago i went to my family doctor to get a prescription to go see a clinical psychologist and was diagnosed with depression with anxiety based only on emotional feeling questionnaire (questions about how I have felt the previous month). i did not go to see a psychologist and the prescription expired. so now, a year later things have gotten worse. i got a job where i had huge stress to study four languages (for serving tables at a restaurant) in 2 weeks. i failed first exam and after that i had 2 panic attacks (first was two days after and the second about a week later). with my stress I have had thoughts about offing myself and depressive episodes where i cannot think of anything but how much i hate myself daily for a few hours. i quit that stressful job yesterday because i just could not take it anymore and now i feel a huge relief and I have been starting to think if it was only the stress and i do not really have anything really wrong, that I am just being lazy and unmotivated to do anything as I am not having these depressive episodes daily now. does anyone have any kind of similar experience or does anyone understand this situation? any kind of help would be amazing. i do not understand if I am lazy or is it depression",Depression +14057,"Heyo I am 22 years old always had this immense amount of anxiety, panic and loneliness..I was wondering if this feeling of loneliness will ever stop or if I am just doomed to be the person that I am. I tried so many different things since I was 16 an even took medication for the past 1 1/2 years and changed my dosage multiple times but nothing seemed to work for me. I do not really know what I am supposed to do or if it even it is worth trying anymore. How to stop being lonely",Depression +14058,"At least, that is what my stepdad says about me I am ugly, I am mentally unwell, I am fat, I am awkward, I am a pussy, I do not stand a chance in the real world",Suicidal +14059,"The point is in the title. I do not think anyone will want to hang out with me when I am this negative and depressed. But I do not have anyone currently and it is making me miserable. I do not know where to even start getting out of this mess. I wish I had any sort of support system but I feel like I have to develop a deep relationship with someone before I can tell them what is going on and most people usually end up leaving me almost immediately. I do not know how I am going to keep making it on my own without much hope of making friends. it is so hard right now I am depressed because I do not have friends, but I feel like I have to not be depressed before people will like me",Depression +14060,I will donate all my blood if this is possible Good strategy,Suicidal +14061,"I have tried to get better, I really have. I have gone through 4 jobs, 3 apartments, 2 counselors, countless bottles of anti-depressants, got married, worked my ass off to try and just feel joy for a minute. I cannot do it, I give up, I have been battling this for 7 years, it does not get better. Just tell me the least painful way and I will thank you for saving me pain Quickest and most painless way",Suicidal +14062,"I opened up to my friend and talked to my therapist.They both asked me what kind of thing i needed for them to help. They asked me if i just needed someone to listen, to give advice, to distract, etc... And honestly i had no idea what to say. Idk what i need or want.If someone asked you what you needed, what did you say or what did someone do that you did not expect but found helpful? When you open up to someone about your depression, what do you want them to do to help you?",Depression +14063,If i have luck like last time i will be fine the next day. But i would be fine with dying at this point my body survived to much shit already. If my life ends it ends. So i took a bunch of pills,Suicidal +14064,"I am just looking for someone to hear me out and be nice. Bad day, bad week, no I think bad year is more accurate. Looking for someone to talk to.",Depression +14065,"She pulls me back in.I was doing great, keeping good hygiene, working out, having fun at my job, enjoying my friendships and summer. I was pretty much depression-free for 3 weeks. It felt like a massive weight was lifted.This past weekend I visited a friend and did some molly, it was surreal. An absolutely amazing experience. On day 2 of the comedown (molly has notoriously depressing comedowns) my ex decided to reach out yesterday. She said she wants to try again and start talking again. Wow I felt great. Then today she says I just want to be able to talk when I need to and that she does not ever see us getting back together. I feel like I just got thrown into the deepest depths of depression instantly. I went from feeling validated to utterly used and worthless. did not have a suicidal thought for weeks, had not SHd in weeks. And now I am watching the blood stream from my leg thinking of ways to end it all. How does shit go so bad so quickly?? I really thought I had it beat and now I am as depressed as ever. 6 months ago I would have told you I would marry this girl, and now she is ruining my brain and my life. Every thought is bad. Just when I thought I was out.",Depression +14066,"I have tried to kill myself twice now. One was quite recent, back in May. I had cut myself late at night, and my mother woke up and found me. At first she thought I had done it on accident, as I was in the kitchen, and seemed very concerned. However, when I told her I had done it on purpose, she instantly become very upset. It did not seem to be in a concerned way, more of an angry, upset way, like it was inconvenient for her. My wounds were not horrible or bad to the point of hospitalization, but they were concerning, and some were deep. My mom told me to put some neosporin on them and go back to sleep. I told her I did not feel safe and asked her if we should call someone, take me somewhere. She told me I was not bleeding out so no one could do anything for me. She told me I was fine and that I was doing this for attention. At first I thought she was crazy, but now I am scared that she is right. I was not able to go through with it so maybe I am subconsciously doing it for attention. She had texted my cousin the next day to check up on me because I was ""doing weird stuff"". It made me so sad because my mother continues to act like everything is normal. She has not to talk about it since, but when I bring it up she gets very mad, and always says ""I do not care. Grow up. Move out"". She always tells me how sensitive I am and how I am just emotional for no reason, or because I am seeking attention. I had moved away to college in September, and my parents had insisted I come back in October because of covid. During arguments, they always bring it up, telling me I should have stayed up there, and that they just want me to leave. I am so close to moving away for my next year of college, but it seems like the closer I get to leaving, the worse my thoughts become. I am just so scared of what might happen to me. I want a relationship with my mom so bad because I really do love her, but it seems like she does not want one. She treats me so much worse than my younger sibling and it hurts me so bad. It truly feels like they would not care. I just want to be able to do it. I know that I need help but it is so difficult when there is so form of support in my regular life. I hate venting to friends because it is such a serious topic, I do not want to scare them or burden them, making them wonder if I am okay ya know?I feel so sad all the time and I am just counting down the days until I can try again or leave, whichever comes first. I do not know what I can do to make it better",Suicidal +14067,"I am 23 male from Iran. I have had a crazy life like mom diying in car accident when I was 4. Abusive psycho dad. Being raised by my narcissist strict grandparents. I have had no life. None. No rights no hobby no freetime no social interaction. Was just forced to study 24/7 to become a doctor. My grandparents would not even let me to groom my hair properly or wear perfumes because that would attract girls! I had never met or talked to a girl for my intire life till I was in university and that obviously turned out terrible. I have so many personality issues and find it hard to properly socialize with anyone. I got into med school in another city expecting to finally start living a normal life and having my basic rights. All those promises my family had made that they would finally let me be free or the things they are going to get me if I get into med school but suddenly my rich narc family stopped paying for my basic needs like even enough to buy proper food! Or to pay for my taxi! Let alone hanging out with friends or getting a girlfriend. They said money will spoil you! You will get busy with girls and not finish your studies!! I wanted to take my driving license and they replied the same :) I tolerated that hellish situation for 4 months but after that quit. It was not that easy they still argue/fight with me to this day. 2 years have gone by and I am stuck in my room with nothing much to do but making the days pass 24/7 on my phone or watching movies. I soon realized being a garbage collector/construction worker in a free country free of Islam and theocracy is better than being a doctor or even specialist in this hellhole of Iran. I realized through the online friends I made that I am not the problem. The Islamic system is. I could easily connect with people and even girls not only romantically but on a human level and make true connection but here the restrictions and rules have made our girls kind of weird and too hard to catch. Like until 2 or 3 years ago being caught just walking with your girlfriend on the street would have ended up with 100 lashes and execution in the 4th trial. Iran is like a big cemetary. we are not allowed to sing/dance or date. it is like happiness is forbidden. walking on the streets is like there is dust of death everywhere. So depressing and things are getting even worse like drought!! And our currency devaluing day by day. Right now the value of one USD equals 25 Toman. My dad is a selfish piece of shit that lives in another country but I do not count him as dad and do not want to have to do anything with him. My grandma finally gave me 10k for a language course abroad in Europe but I need atleast 15k for my whole application and visa process. Idk what to do with 10k. My alternative plan is to make it to Turkey, get a cheap boat and sail to Greece with the hope of getting sunked midway. I hate my life",Suicidal +14068,i have no goals. there is literally 1 thing i want to do. why should not i kill myself? why should not i?,Suicidal +14069,"Please ... some of you are not going to like what I am about to write but please keep your shamming and negativity to yourself. Its really just the last thing I need right now. I am married. Kids. Late 30s and have been unhappy for years. I have struggled with depression since I was 15/16. On and off medication. And have been to therapy many times. I turned to finding someone online to fill the voids of my unhappy marriage. And this is the part I know most of you will disapprove of and I get it. I have talked to quite a few people online over the years. Male. Female. Made some friends. Had my heart broken. Recently, I met a man online. Our connection was instant. And you can say or think what you want, but i genuinely love him. Were a lot a like. I came to learn he also battles depression and anxiety. But we dealSo differently. Hes become my best friend. I would tell him anything and everything but he shuts me out. He does not tell me anything. Its so hard for me. I do not know how to support him. I do not want to turn my back on him because hes currently going through a really rough patch , but he just shuts me out. He says he wants me in his life but I do not know how to be what he needs. Especially when i too have been having really bad days. I feel like we need each other. Like there is a reason we connected, but being shut out makes me feel like crap. I have told no one this but the past couple of weeks while driving , I have literally thought to myself , just pull out in front of that car. Just do it. These are not suicidal thoughts but more .... I am just sick of putting everybody else first and maybe being hurt and laying in bed recovering would help put me first. I could stop putting all my energy on everyone else for even just a little. I know. Its crazy. This man I mentioned does not know this is how I have been feeling. I cannot stand the thought of him thinking it has anything to do with him. Or him worrying about me when hes got enough on his plate. I thought we would understand each other better than most people could I thought wed be able to support each other in our bad times. I cannot lose him. But maybe were both just too broken. New here and just need to vent.",Depression +14070,Just asking naively for someone to speak with right now that will not go overboard with my situation. Understand it is a selfish request. No problem if this is an inappropriate request. Thank you anway Anyone willing to chat?,Suicidal +14071,Hey I have been thinking about everything I come into a conclusion of killing myself most likely the worst way to dying. I have decided to take excerdine extra strength I know it is a slow Death but for some reason I want to do it. I am not happy.I am 19 I am not a kid anymore who wants to dieI'm not a teenager anymore who tried suicide I am an adult who is going to overdose for the 3 time this yearTo be honest I am a bit nervous because it is something I know I will gain regardless of what others do around me.But I am afraid I change my mind to soon or to fastAnd I will not be able to stop the process but you know whatThis is what I wanted for years maybe I wanted to Die forever be at peace. I hate myself and I do not love myself but I do not want to hurt others what if I actually become a ghost and see everyone around me cry and I will not be able to say anything but then again I always knew the pain it will bring but the state of slowly dying is wierd to me but it is okay. it is a goodbye letter to this world,Suicidal +14072,I feel awful for doing it Is it selfish to cry in public,Depression +14073,"I cannot do it guys,i literally just cannot,i am mentally destroyed to the point where i just cannot enjoy anything i just want to die...I cannot see myself failing everything i am trying and putting effort into,I cannot see it anymore,i am just done with the people around me,even my best friend makes it harder for me and i just cannot deal with this mess that i created,i have been depressed for like half a year now and i cannot fight anymore i am broken,my heart is broken,my future is just darkness,i do not sleep well,i am crying every night.I want to take my life away,its just going to make things better for eveyone.... I cannot do it anymore",Depression +14074,"I have struggled with this so a really long time. After getting dumped. This only worsened. Right now I find myself comparing myself to the new guy, and put myself down. Is he more exciting? More confident or something. Has he accomplished so much more? Every time I do something, like skating, all my brain does is hes probably better at this then you are hes probably really good at other shit too that you are not. just random shit. I am obsessing over this, but I cannot turn off my fucking brain. Even when I am doing something. Overthinking. Self comparison to others.",Depression +14075,"I have struggled with SI, and eating disorder, OCD and self harm since I was around 11. A lot of changes happened during that time frame, and I did not cope well nor did I receive any help. I threatened to end my life on multiple occasions while on school campus to school personnel. Anyway, now I am in my 30s and still struggle with SI and OCD. I am constantly fearing abandonment, I am incredibly insecure, and I always think that I am messing up. I get incredibly anxious in social situations too. I have had many mean things said to me, and I just always have my guard up now. I am in a good place now. Job is good, Florida is nice. But I still cannot escape this wanting to jump out of my skin feeling. I feel so uncomfortable. I cannot look in the mirror for too long. I feel like I am going to ruin everything. I isolate myself typically, but I am married and I do not want to do that to him. I constantly feel guilty. I am trying to practice positive self talk. I tried contacting a few crisis lines today, but either I no longer qualify for the service or there is just a long wait time. I have never had any luck with those anyway. And I do not contact the 1-800 suicide prevention hotline because the last time I called the guy was rude, would not listen to my issue, and threatened to have the cops sent to me. Also, I do not want to end my life, I just want for this to stop. But the constant feelings mentioned earlier just make me want to end it. But I have so much to live for. I want to travel and I do not want to hurt my loved ones. I am hoping that these feelings will eventually go away. So, I am going to keep trying the positive self talk. I will be contacting my therapist later. I may need something more intense. Just talking about my problems does not help me at all. Trying to think positive. I am rambling, just sharing.",Suicidal +14076,Btw I am Female. But This is my wish. I just want sleep. My life is meaningless and pointless. Little girl go to sleep please,Depression +14077,"I feel like I am here for selfish reasons so people that do not really care about me rather see me alive and suffering than to be gone and they feel bad/guilty. I do not want to conform to this world anymore. I do not want to care what material things you all have. I do not even want it if it means leaving this body. You all can have it. Whether i had it or not i still feel empty and lonely. I ll let the universe know this week I do not want to be here. Idc what suffering n torture i ll endure after this. Idc about my own fear. I am going to leave whether people like it or not. I literally have nothing to lose or live for. I sleep outside yet I am still alive. I tried taking alot of p,ills and even attempted to h,ang myself. Either it do not work or i chicken out at the last moment. I do feel that I am getting closer to en,d,ing it all",Suicidal +14078,"I went out on my bike today and that is was absolutly terrible decision. I spend over 3 hours alone with my thoughts and i constantly thought about hating myself, hating the world and how much i want to kill myself/die. I was listening to music but it did not help at all. All i could do was thinking about how much i want to be dead already.At some point I was so deep in my thoughts that i did not notice STOP sign. I almost got hit by a car at a crossroads. Shame it was small intersection with 30km speedlimit so driver menaged to stop before hitting me. I wish he was a traffic pirate and drove over 100. I honestly had like 40 minutes to home from that crossroad and all i could think about was how much i regret he did not kill me right there.I am not even lucky enough to get killed on a road. Hunderds ppl die everyday on roads. Why i could not be one of them today.Well shit. Time to get drunk again. Idk how to title this. whatever",Suicidal +14079,"So I am almost 17 and right now I feel like my life is over. When I was 14 this dip shit gave me a terrible concussion. Turns out after that I have serious brain damage. I could not concentrate, I had major headaches, I lost my ability to think and reason, and the worst thing everyone thought I was faking it. Quite honestly I was at the top of my class for my entire life. I was doing fine throughout my last year of middle school after spending half the school year last year at home trying to recover. Then high school came around. At the start of the year I was starting to get terrible migraines and being very sensitive to noise. Then it got really bad, I was being forced to skip classes and go home early because I could not handle school. So finally I got pulled out of school again and have not been back yet. To try to get help we went everywhere. We went to our local medical college and they tried to diagnose me with autism, even though I am clearly not autistic. Then we went to Mayo Clinic one of the best hospitals in the US, they suggested I go to a pain rehab clinic designed for people addicted to pain killers, even though I have never taken any pain killers before. After all of this I was at the end of my rope thinking nothing was going to get better so I tried to hang myself. After my failed attempt to kill myself covid came around. So I could not go and find any help for my head anymore so I just sat at home doing nothing for about 6-8 months. After all of that we finally found something that actually seemed to work, and then my school was added into the picture. They actually gave me the choice of either going back to school not being ready yet and push me thorough to graduate on time or they would kick me out. Now remember I was at the top of my class my entire life and still was not ready to go back to school full time so they kicked me out and here we are. I do not know what to do anymore I am ready to kill myself all over again. I have been through so much pain and suffering I do not know what to do anymore the only thing keeping me here is how much this would hurt my mom. I am an only child and this would kill her. I hope my life gets better but I am not sure it will How my life was ruined by something out of my control",Depression +14080,"I am really depressed because my life is bad, not due to mental illness. I am a divorced mom with no other family, or friends, so no support system at all. Not even anyone to bounce ideas off of, get feedback etc.And I have asperger's, so have a hard time with regular jobs and work from home doing basically online gig work. But I am well educated. And I am way older than most posters here. And I am like 90 lbs and have problems with fainting sometimes. 1) I have tried therapy but that did not help at all. It made things worse. Probably because that is not the type of help I need. Plus when I told my therapist that I was feeling overwhelmed with having to do everything myself without any help, all she did was tell me how she did everything herself without any problem before she was married. And she is never had kids. 2) being locked up in a mental hospital would make things worse. In part because my issues are not a mental illness. But also, if I miss even one day of work I risk not being able to pay my rent and being homeless. So I would come out if the hospital with no place to live and none of my problems solved. - But - I am so unhappy with my life, and so over stressed with everything that I cannot live this way much longer. I wake up everyday thinking it would be better to just die because I am losing all hope that at this point in my life, that my life can get any better. Or become good enough to be worth living. I do not see how I can pull myself out of this mess entirely alone. I need some other sort of help. I am not even sure what. Maybe a family that could sort of adopt me as their kid (my parents are both dead), people who could even just pretend to be friends with me, maybe someone who could help me out now and then with stuff around the house when it just becomes too much for one person to do etc. Just something like that to make it a bit easier. Basically family and friends, or pretend ones I guess. Any ideas? Is there any way to get help that is not 1) talk therapist or 2) being in a mental hospital?",Suicidal +14081,"Like most adults (I think), occasionally I get random thoughts of suicide...driving my car into the barrier, taking that step over the balcony, etc. I would never actually do it, but it is just ideation that I have heard is relatively common. Lots of shit hit the fan today, though. And from just about the time that I woke up, I have wanted to string myself up from the ceiling. Someone tell me not to. Someone tell me not to kill myself",Suicidal +14082,"Here I am, once again to rant about me being obsessive? I do not know how to put it. Well yeah, obsessive is a good enough description. I have been stuck on this specific person and regardless of how much I am supposed to be far from them I keep trying to attach to them as if they will attach to me back. We used to be great, both attached until drama happened and now its one sided. I open up my feelings and she just replies with one line. She has told me she does not trust me, so why the hell do I trust her? MY MIND IS CLOUTED. I AM, SUFFERING. With a heavy stone weightening my heart, and my friends being scared away from me being obsessive I honestly do not know what to do. I do not want to talk to her even so why do I exist? Why do I have to live? Why do I have to od what I do in order to do. DRUGS ANTI PSYCHADELICS ARE USELESS. Well useless is incorrect terminology but I AM STILL IN PAIN. Why the fuck does he not give me anti depressants I do not fucking know. Ok listen, I am in pain ok? There legit 0 people I can talk about it with as of now since everyone is either ignoring me or just ignoring me or just ignoring me or maybe sleeping I do not know. I am obsessed, I am obsessed with a single person while I am not obsessed. When My mood swings I am obsessed but otherwise no? What is this weird translations of emotion I have no clue therefore I shall go and kill myself because I cba to live. Who am I kidding, everything feels blurry, Everything is in pain. Everything is just suffering I cannot, I cannot , I cannot , I cannot, I cannot, PAIN. P-a-I-N. Fuck bpd manI cannot deal with this anymore, I am sorry, the pain is too much. Drugs do not help, therapy does not help, the suicide attempt thing I got closest to helping maybe it is time to finish it off Obsession",Suicidal +14083,just fuck you. i everyone hates me or is bothered by me. and you will not let me fucking kill myself because you want me to suffer fuck you just fuck you i want to be dead I am bored kill me fuck you,Suicidal +14084,"Alright so first off thanks for taking a moment to read this terrible mess of punctuation and spelling. So I have had social anxiety and depression since I was 12 years old (19 now). It has made my learning experience and time growing up tougher than I hoped for (not too sound complacive) Anyhow I skimmed by high-school and had no plans for secondary school or college because I have never found interest in getting out of bed in the morning let alone pursuing a career/passion. I graduated in June of 2020, was immediately kicked out of my dad and step moms house and couch hopped until I found a full time job and a shithole apartment to rent. Its been around a year of living here and all I do is wake up force myself out of bed, take the bus to work and keep my head down and listen to podcasts.The reason I am writing all this bullshit is because my depression and social anxiety has been amped up since I moved here. Every day I convince myself for about an hour or two that everything will be okay and that this is just the working mans life.So the reason I say I am stuck in this position is because I cannot seem to make friends or good conversation even when I try my hardest. No matter how much cocaine and booze I do nothing changes the fact that I am a fucking cringefest to talk to. I do not really know what I am asking you guys to say to me I just want to hear you all stories and opinions. I hope all of you are well and I wish you the best Stuck",Depression +14085,"Never be afraid to ask for help. Asking or reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength. You are not a burden. You are not annoying. You are not attention seeking. You are WORTHY of being happy and living the best life possible. Reminder: You ARE loved and you are NOT alone.",Suicidal +14086,"Its my fault I was used, its my fault I was not sexual enough. My ocd is fake because I use it as an excuse. 16? you are not in any mental pain you are too young. All I do is get dismissed when I tell people I was used for sex, and my age mean I have 0 pain. Yes I am young, yes this is nothing, but its still there, the feeling is real, 16 or not. I wish someone would just acknowledge that and not ignore it, honestly just need someone to talk to Ig. My pain is fake",Depression +14087,"I (19m) have a relentlessly emotionally abusive father. He claims to love us (my mom, me, and my older brother), but whenever the slightest thing goes wrong, he snaps and turns into a monster. Then he has the gall to argue that its all our fault. The worst part is how he demands Godlike respect from us (his own wife, my mom, included) and then just fucking shits all over us like were expendable dolls with human faces. I honestly do not feel like I have a dad anymore, and I have had intrusive thoughts about doing horrible things to him, but I know I could never actually do it. I am so lost and broken and I fucking hate the man my mom married. To add insult to injury, she is a saint. I love my mom, she is always kind to everyone, and this is with the same pressure that my dad deals with, that he complains about and uses as an excuse do not Know How to Cope with Emotionally Abusive Father",Depression +14088,Anyone understand my feelings cuz my family does not I want to die cuz I am ugly,Suicidal +14089,I have been depressed for quite a while and only recently I have started to cut myself. Around a month since starting my thighs and arms look like a fucking lion attacked me. Please help I am fucking 16 and if this keeps going on I am afraid it will lead to more drastic forms of sh Need help,Depression +14090,"In 2018 I went to college abroad, and while I had a great time living there, the program was not well run nor did I put in the work and I ended up at home with my parents after one semester. In the fall on 2019 I started school again, had one pretty good semester, then in early 2020 as you are all aware the world shut down. I was in complete isolation, strict quarantine with my parents from March 2020 to April 2021.I made it through my first three semesters at community college largely without incident despite my degrading mental health, until Spring 2021, my last semester before earning an associates degree. In the previous semesters, I had cheated heavily. Which honestly I do not morally have an issue with given online school, but in the Spring 2021 I decided I was done cheating and was going to do it the hard way.Until I did not. I was so close. And then I just stopped. Failed 3 of my 5 classes. I do not know what happened really, it just stopped feeling real, days and weeks went by and then I would see ""missed test"" and ""missed lab"" etc etc.My plan was to take my associates and transfer from my communtiy college to a 4 year university. I had to email them and tell them what I just described above, and how quarantine made me depressed, but that was in the past and it would never happen again.Until it did. I retook the 3 classes I failed in the spring, and I am going to fail 2 of the 3. AGAIN. My physics does not even require work. The answers to all the tests, quizzes, and homeworks are online. The prof does not care. And I just refused to do one assignment over the past 8 weeks. Now my transfer institution is going to reject me, my parents are going to flip shit, and I will go back to being the dissapointment I am after failing school for the first, second, and now third time.I do not know how to change. I do not know how to get better. I had something special. A really fucking beautiful, awe worthy opportunity to get a real degree in engineering. To graduate like my brothers. And now its gone.it is not the time I am worried about. I am 22 I have plenty. it is not money, these community college classes are manageable. it is just that I keep making deeper and deeper cuts, chopping myself down as often as possible.I run. I go to the gym. I know how to cook. I meditate. I keep my room orderly. I read when I can. I work. All these tenets of my life, just crippled architecture on a broken, decaying framework. I do not know what my point is. it is just that it hurts, and because it hurts I hurt. I hurt because I hurt myself, and it hurts knowing how bad I hurt myself, if that makes sense. Continual Self-Sabotaging",Depression +14091,"I was trying with a girl, she was to beautiful for me. But I thought ""maybe I got a chance"", she told me ""your eyes are beautiful"", we go to a subway to eat a sandwich and after that day she block me. Why? Fucking why? Just block, do not told me anything. Fucking God. That shit hurts. I am losing all my confidence. I think I am a fucking weirdo, I do not know. She blocked me",Depression +14092,"I am 18 (M), finished year 13 two months ago in May after assessments. I dreaded every single day in school ever since September (2020) because I saw my ex alot, we were in 2 classes together. I did have friends but they were more like class mate type, not the close type. My close friends I had before, I do not really speak to them anymore and now I am basically alone but I do have my family.I got some good grades which the good feeling only lasted for a couple of daysI thought my life would brighten up once the last day of that school was over...I was thrilled for 3 days and then just got caught up in a lot of Netflix, gaming, feeling empty, lots of thinking about why I cannot just better, my parents and teachers had hope on me but I am just a bum in my eyes. And also questioning why I cannot be better than my ex, I got declined by all the medical schools I applied for. Everyone is of to uni and I feel like I am being left behind and that will be the story for the rest of my life.Looking at myself in the mirror, I have gained a little bit of weight but nothing major. But I still feel uglier, the lack of jawline six pack stuff.I feel so much loneliness everyday, even happy bright songs about love make me feel like shit.Some people on Reddit have said to work on myself, it is hard. Everytime I fail, I feel like I just fall a step further down.The only thing I really do some what consistently is music production, but I am nothing near being at industry level where I can make a living. That gives me reason to believe I have no talents. In my head, anyone can do what I do, I do not feel special at all.The other thing I do consistently is think negatively and feel lonely afTL:DR - what do you do if your life does not get better?I feel like there is no point me carrying on and living if my life is just full of loneliness, failure, talentless and always feeling what ever you do is insufficient. I feel like my life will not get better.",Depression +14093,"My family is out of town and my brother will be leaving next Thursday as well and all that keeps going around my head is that it would be the perfect time to kill myself. I know I will not do it, I highly doubt I could but i just keep thinking about how I could just grab that gun and do it. Ill be all alone. Everyone will be far away, so they probably would not be the ones to find me. Honestly.. it feels like a plan but not entirely I guess. Idk. Trigger warning* (suicidal ideation)",Depression +14094,"My grandma is gone, I said my grandma is goone, I am thinking out loud, but I never felt so alone, all alone Ever since you left, most of me left with ya I do not care about life i do not give a fuc You the only one that raised me, n i just had enough I would give anything to get back your love My grandma gone. 2010 and I ll never get over it",Suicidal +14095,"God, fucking dammit, 1 year of therapy and everything is so fucking expensive now, and not just talking about pysichiatric, but everything health related, I have been with multiple doctors and paid a lot of money and is fucking horrible to see how much money I have invest just because I let myself down for a couple of years. Is paying off tho, but man I could have buyed a lot of things already. A little rant about how expensive is to get better.",Depression +14096,"My parents struggled with infertility for 8 years until I was born, my brother was born in the next year. For the first few years of my life, everything was fine. At the age of 12, my father started complaining about the expenses for feeding us and how the water and electricity bills were killing him. He basically complains everytime he has to buy us dinner or go grocery shopping. My mother blames us for forcing her to be a stay at home mom to take care of us. And I am like ????, you CHOSE to have us, you should have calculated your finances to see whether you could afford to have children BEFORE having us. We never asked for you to make sacrifices for us. All this could be avoided if you two were just content with being infertile. Basically all I am hearing everyday is them complaining about the cost of raising us, and all I want to say is buddy, I am not overjoyed at being your child either. I wished you never had me too. How can people be so irresponsible as too not calculate their finances to see if they will be able to afford children and blame everything on the child after having them. I have thought that it was my fault when I was young for needing to eat and bathe cuz it cost them money, I even stopped eating for a while but now that I am older and I think about it. WHAT THE HELL??!! Just do not have me if you cannot afford it. Man, parents can be so dumb sometimes. I got depression cuz of my parents",Depression +14097,I numb my pain with pills that are prescribed to me because I have no relationships with anyone else and people treat me very poorly. Last week I found out I was infected with an STI from someone who already treats me like I am nothing. I am just venting here because I was crying at work I just could not hold it in. TW:,Depression +14098,"I hear them in the other room,""friends"" , ""family"".They love eachother,more than ever me.I gave them so much,why? I had no one else.But now I see,I just had no one.Still, they keep me here,to hold their own image.So they look good,just like *you*. Everyone loves to pretend, they are good, they know better. Leave us be, and be thankful for your ignorance. ""The hard part is not getting there, it is letting go."" Stop pretending.",Suicidal +14099,"Every night i fear sleeping caz when i lie down i think.. and all i can think is how to stop suffering.. anyone knows how to kill myself without too kuch pain.. i know its gna hurt my parents but i just do not see myself going anywhere in this life.. its a cursed birth, i keep failing, i never suceed, i just keep doing stuff in the day to forget abt this but now that i want to sleep.. i just want to never wakeup again... do not tell me ur it will get better thing... been 7 months.. nothing has gotten better.. only worse .. just keeps getting worse.. i just hope i do not wake up tomorrow ... Every night i feer sleeping",Suicidal +14100,"i do not see myself as an older human. I do not see myself driving to pick up my children from school or seeing my significant other grow old along side me. I do not see the potential others have seen in me and it fucking sucks. It pains me to know that I do not see myself living a long and fruitful life, looking back and reminiscing of times long gone by. I do not want to be living with this shitty illness that constantly battles with my well brain. Whether or not I want to in fact live another day of this. I fucking hate this thing that has taken very inch of my being. I just want to press pause and never return. the future",Depression +14101,Hey who wants a chat ?? Talk,Suicidal +14102,"I am so sick of being alive.Its been 10 years now that my depression has been making me suicidal to the point where I am so obsessed with death and fantasising about me dying. I have had therapy when I was younger but was discharged at 17 because I was too old and left still in the same state I was in when I first got help. My first suicide attempt was at 9 years old. That was 10 years ago and I am still the same. I truthfully believe nothing will get better so I have gave up. I do not WANT to try anymore. I do not WANT to live a life where I am crippled with severe body dysmorphia and other problems. I am too afraid to leave the house, I cover my face in public in fear Ill scare people. I hate myself. Death is the only way to free myself from all the problems in my life. I do not want to breathe anymore. I do not want to be on this earth. I have tried for years to get better and I have not gotten anywhere. I have my first therapy appointment in august I am not sure if I am going to go I do not see the point tbh. I do not want help",Suicidal +14103,"I am ending my life on Sunday. This date will not be adjusted. I am going to post again before then, but I wanted to share this with people that understand. Actually following through this time",Suicidal +14104,I do not have any friends for 2 year i lonely and i have a mental illness. I like pokemon and marvel. Need a friend,Depression +14105,"My life has been going downhill for years now and I did not Plan on living past 17 now at 18 i feel truly ready to go Put my everything on a friendship again, and now I truly have nothing",Suicidal +14106,"I wake up depressed, fall asleep depressed, and now I am having 6+ nightmares a week about the things that have driven me to feel suicidal. I wake up sweaty and cannot sleep for several more hours after the nightmare jolts me awake. I am struggling to even walk and do basic things, but I am surprisingly coping well. I just cannot stand this life anymore, and I hope reincarnation is real because it is not that I want to die. I just want to forget I ever existed in this life. I am so miserable of dealing with the issues that are taking so much to get over. I am tired of trying. I am tired of people telling me it will get better because meds, psychiatrists, and friends do not help anymore. I cannot fucking sleep in peace. I cannot find joy in anything. I just want to stay in bed until the world swallows me into a forever nap. I cannot even go to sleep to escape my depression anymore",Suicidal +14107,"I Am Losing My Head. I Feel Traumatic.This is a Story of How I Got my Depression., When I Was a Little Kid 9 Years of Age, I Had two of my Classmates who were also my neighbours Come Into My House Often., We used play some games or talk. But One guy was very Rude, Aggressive to Me, he was so mean but I just ignored his hate cus we were classmates., But The Other Guy who comes to My House often was very Soft and sweet when I was a kid. This Made Me Believe he is a nice guy and I believed he could be a nice Friend in general. But Later Things Have Gone too Worse for me to Realise he was my Worst Enemy. He Often Visits my Home and He Sits on My Home All Day Long and Even spends the entirety of Summer holidays in my Home., I Just Welcomed him in my home as I Thought he was nice guy compared to the other classmate who was rude in nature. It Continued for a Long Time until I Came to Tenth Grade. When he visits my Home in while in 10th Grade., He Became a Ultimate BULLY. He would Often Bully Me in My Own House. He Would Say Some Disturbing Shit About Me. He Actually Put Down Two Of My Phones( I believe it was intentional.) He is a guy of Poor Background with no luxury in His House., But When I Have All Comforts in my House, He Would Make A Nasty Comment about Everything I Own., He Comes to my Own House and Gave Me Negative Vibes and He dominated my things that I own. But Later I Somehow Avoided Him. Days Later, Rethinking About All This Makes Me Depressed and Traumatic. Puts me in a place like why did I allowed him from Early age, why did I needed friendship from him. I feel like taking action against him on some form. He Made Me Solely Mentally Depressed by Coming in my House. For 6 Long Years he came into my house as a friend, in The End, He Became a Bully in my Own House., Now I Feel depressed for every Stress and Trauma he Gave me. All These Situation Sits in my Head for All Day Long., From Day to Night, For Almost 2 Months. Now I Just want to Get Out Of This Depression And Lead A Happy Normal Life. Please Help If you can. I Am Heavily Depressed by a Con-Artist who pretended as if he is my Best Friend.",Depression +14108,"it is one of those simple posts. I am alone feeling really low and like self harming. I cannot seem to enjoy or find the will for doing any hobbies like video games or reading. I cannot even summon the will to find something to watch. So was thinking as a last resort someone to talk to would help. does not have to be about any of my problems, could even be about yours if you wanted, hell you could tell me all about birdwatching if you really want. I do not care what we talk about. I am alone very low and someone to talk to would be nice.",Depression +14109,"i hate myself more than anything I am sorry I am writing this i just wish things could be like they were before the pandemic, i was depressed then but at least things were looking up. now i cannot stop analyzing every single moment of my life, making sure I am not doing things that i will regret. i am terrified of regret. so i feel like I am under a microscope constantly, hoping that I am not too stupid or annoying. i just want to look back on myself and feel good about it, like i did with my life before the pandemic. i was a weird little anxious girl, but i started going to public school and it felt like the greatest thing in my life. i actually had friends!!! and people who cared and watched out for me because they knew i was fragile. when lockdown started, i did not get to see them anymore for a while and i became very down. since then, i have gotten to go back to school and see them but its not the same. nothing is the same as it used to be. i wish i could be a kid again, or a tween, or anything but this because I am scared that i will hate this time in my life in the future. i am terrified of that.i wish i never discovered the ability to look back on my life. i love all the memories i have made, i want to go back there. but that makes me feel like i am wasting my current life. i feel so gross and numb. i think the reason i like looking back is, even tho times were very rough, i can now see that they ended well and it was all for a reason. now i just feel like a dimwit. i hate myself for the innocent hobbies or things i enjoy, because ""what if i hate myself for this in the future"". it causes me to be anxious about the things i enjoy to the point where i cannot enjoy them. i cannot enjoy anything. i have done some cringey things, but i do not look back on myself and think about how cringey i was. i feel happy that i did those cringey things, because back then i was truly living and not worrying about what i would eventually think was cringe or not.i do not know. i just hate myself. i want to get out of here. i want to feel alright again i hate myself i just need support",Depression +14110,haha xd i do not have friends :'( I really wish I could cry my soul out on a friends shoulder.,Depression +14111,They just make me feel like i do not do enough. Because I am a high schooler and I am having finals next year. Seeing them study from day to night. Make me feel like I am a piece of shit. cannot even study for hours. I wish my suicide attempts worked. I will never need to see all these people agaon. Looking how hardworking people are makes me want to die.,Depression +14112,"I believe that everyone should have the right to exit whenever they want.We did not ask to be born yet here we are.Most people live a miserable life in order to not hurt their family and friends. The selfish aspect is from those who guilt a genuinely unhappy person, or even just someone who is done with living to stay.Thoughts? Suicide should not be taboo.",Suicidal +14113,"Hello, I am calling because I would like to speak with whoever is in charge of life?I think mine is broken, I do not want to be a bother and ask for a refund, but I do think I am going to cancel my subscription. I have tried all the troubleshooting tips on your help page; therapy, socializing, antidepressants, getting hobbies, finding a job, even cutting or alcohol. I am regretting my purchase and it is looking to be more trouble than it was worth. Everything hurts all the time and nothing makes it stop, so this is the last thing I want to try. If you could direct me to someone who could help me cancel my subscription, I would be very thankful.Thanks in advance, and thank you for your time. I would appreciate it if the pain would stop now please.",Suicidal +14114,Basically I am on a trip with my family and a friend family of my parents I am the youngest and bc of that every time i say anything they simply pretend that they do not listen to me I do not really talk alot bc every time i talk a lot of anxiety comes to me and i start getting paranoid and this goes down hill bc then I started thinking that no one likes me So in this trip I basically shut my mouth and stay away from them i just respond them when someone ask me I WANT TO TALK TO THEM buut i just cannot Its like my brain fear that anyone would hate me if i talkPlz can someone give me some tips of how can i talk without anxiety!!!!! I stopped talking after a while,Depression +14115,"(If this is posted in the wrong place delete or tell me to) I have had depression and C-PTSD for my whole life, just found out about this page. My father had 3 brain tumors and tortured me with knives and beatings from age 8 to 14. I was in the army for a short while until I was stabbed 3 times and had my hand broken in many places so that it was unusable, so they discharged me. I have been to significant therapy both physical and mental for the depression and C-PTSD. The past 4 women that I have attempted to have relationships with have all dumped me under the ""it is not you, it is me"" excuse, then when I attempt to reconcile they will not tell me what I actually did wrong, just that I messed up. I am not violent, I also take great pains to never do anything verbally or mentally abusive due to my upbringing. I know I am broken, that I do not see things the way others do and I am almost always on guard because of my experiences. Is there some way to figure out what I am doing wrong so I can stop failing so much?Sorry this is so long and all over the place, just kind of at my wits end to figure out all this pain Question 34m",Depression +14116,I am taking a summer hardware class and I am terrible at it. My partner is infinitely more competent than me and we just broke up to the next lab separately. I literally have no clue what I am doing. I feel almost completely retarded. &#x200B;I Really deserve to die I suck at electronics lab and want to hang my self,Suicidal +14117,that is all. I wonder when the next good day will be but it always seems further and further away. I have no hope for a future. My Life Feels Devoid Of Hope,Depression +14118,massive trigger warning for suicidejust got drunk and swallowed all my pills. i was going to doit tonight but i could not wait. but then i puked it all back up. and now i do not know what to do. i have nothing else i just failed my own suicide attempt,Depression +14119,"I am starting to believe that just like animals and plants, some humans just are not made for life. The ones who have bad genes or got fucked by life from the start just have lower survival rate. Even if we have so many treatments for diseases and what not, and most people say you have a purpose in life and you matter, some just are not cut for it. And I think I am one of them. Genetics",Suicidal +14120,I just graduated college about 2 months ago with an electrical engineering degree and no internship experience and no job offers. I have been applying but cannot get anything. It feels like my degree is essentially worthless. If I cannot land an engineering job within the next year I feel like suicide is the only option I want to kill myself if I cannot land a job,Suicidal +14121,"it is been 5 or 6 years since my first attempt and my depression is creeping back up in more and more prominent ways.Today I used a stopwatch just to see how long I could last with a bag over my head. I did not like it and it scared me, but I am still thinking about it. Getting very close to my second attempt and I am scared for myself every time I think about it.",Suicidal +14122,"this was one of the worst days I have had. i think i just need a hug or something.i hate it here and even considered suicide, especially right now. the urge is so strong. i just need help but no one can help me. no one will even listen to me.my s/o is busy. they are too busy hanging out with their best friend and I am all alone. what is the point? so close",Suicidal +14123,"Mine is not a sad, tragic one. My mom is an okay woman, with good intentions, and like the old saying goes : good intentions pave the road to hell. She got out of poverty and found a good job, was not so successful with my father(lost to another woman), but in South Africa being fatherless is pretty much a character trait everybody has. I have a sister with ADHD, so to prevent my sister from acting up she is strict on us. But she also has a strict background, so it is in the genes.I am 16, male and depressed, not as bad as I used to be 2 year ago, but I am no optimist who tells everyone it gets better, because really it do not. My depression does not root itself in traumatic events and the lack of friends, I have loving friends and though i have been through some sexual shit at a young age, I do not take it too seriously. I got depressed because I questioned previous my religion(Christianity), I am not atheist, i believe there is a God(s), but he is not the over glorified bloke in the Bible, too many ""facts"" about the world points out that he wanted the world fucked up and humans or demons are not the bad guys here. Anyway, I got pressed, life became meaning less and all my dreams of ministering to the world just went to shit. I saw no more reason to live. And it was a downward spiral from there on out. I went back to watching porn and being addicted to it, using the little data got every month, hoping my mom could get that uncapped shit so I fap to all the pawgs out there, I isolated myself a lot and contemplated self harm but my fear of sharp objects refused I tread down that path and refusing to hear any of that positivity bs. You know, the usual's.Then I smoke weed and discovered my interest in art. I fell in love with how artists could portray concepts into simple but deep drawings and paintings. I personally liked non paint art, it just gets me. Art led me to philosophy which then led be to listening to that positive bs which led me to listening to people and appreciating their existence without forcing my ideals and experience onto them, this led me to storytelling and there I fell in love with writing, drawing and mildly socialising. Before I stopped masturbating, and I was actually happy. Still I pushed philosophical thoughts and realised that nothing is as big as I had made it out to be and the little dark box i put myself in was non existent.Then my mothers good intentions kicked in. My grades started fluctuating to to my attention being drawn away from school. When my attention was drawn back to school, I saw it for the farce it was. It barely taught us anything, I brought in so much invisible pressure to kids and was just abuse to the teachers who have to baby sit 40+ children in a class. School sucked, not to mention that textbooks keep repeating the shit they said the previous years and could easily be replaced by youtube and google. When I realised this, I told my mom about it, hoping she would hear me out on my art thing, but she called me names and said I was spewing nonsense. She meant well honestly, she did not want me being poor or homeless, but i do not see myself being rich either. All I want is to draw and tell stories, i do not really care about anything else. Then back came my depression, I was drawing less, still making up stories in my head but then i started beating myself up for not drawing. Schools are reopening soon(I am online btw, finally got that uncapped shit) which means less drawing. I do not want to be a robot that just gets the A's without learning anything, but my moms not seeing it, she is putting more pressure on me, ensuring i have no me time. Right now, I am contemplating suicide, that way I do not feel the pain of school anymore, any before you give me the ""suicide hurts your loved ones speech"", just remember that you get what you give, so if my loved ones give pain, then they will get it.I do not want to be rebellious and be a prick, there is no way I am running away now, winter nights are just too cold. summers coming though, and I am not about to put in effort into something that drains me again. What do I do redditors. Advise me, should just end me or should I walk the path of pain.? My apologies if the text is too long, I just needed you guys to be well informed before advising me. I need advice.",Depression +14124,"so a while ago I had a chat with friends and the topic was about girls things hahah periods cuz I have problems with my monthly cycle it is not normal they suggested that I should consult a doctor again because there might be an underlying disease whatever and that I may not be able to get pregnant and have a baby (we are currently freshman college students right now) so yeah the discussion jumped to plans for the future on like creating a family like when or how many kids they want to have. I felt sad because I do not have any plans for my future, I do not see myself in it. Tbh I am sooooo tired of life just going with the flow because I am too weak to actually off myself No plans for future",Depression +14125,"I have struggled with depression off and on for around 14 years. Currently, I am really struggling with depression and anxiety. I am trying really hard to find a way to manage it. I am exercising, going on walks, meditating, going to support groups, talking. Taking care of my mental health is a full time job at this point. My younger brother lives with me. He also has depression and struggles from social anxiety. I am trying my hardest to support him and be there for him. He wants to change. Hes putting some effort in and I am proud of him for that. Hes been trying to maintain a workout routine, hes been joining me on walks. Its just that I am tired of being the one to push him. I cannot be the one to make sure he gets up. I cannot be the one who makes sure he gets fresh air and goes on a walk or does something active. I cannot push him and me. I am tired at this point. He does not have any friends, does not talk to anyone outside of the family, never leaves home. I get sad thinking about him. Its hard to see someone you love struggle. Hes not the one to intrinsically push himself. Its always been my mom or I pushing him or someone else in the family. But I just cannot do it anymore. I feel guilty when I leave him alone in the house and I deserve to go out with my friends and have fun.Logically, I know I cannot force him to change. I cannot fix him. This is his war to fight. But I have a hard time emotionally detaching. How do I find peace with just listening when he needs it and leading by example? How do I learn to detach from his issues so I can focus on mine? How do I accept that I am not responsible for pushing him? How do I not get sad when I ask him to join my friends and I for lunch and he decides to stay home alone? Does anybody have any experience with a loved one who also struggles with depression? How do you maintain that boundary for yourself between supporting them and working on yourself? Thank you so much for reading. How can I learn to detach from my brother's struggles so I can focus on fighting my own demons?",Depression +14126,"I am not going to win. I am just not. Its chronic, its not well-controlled with medication or therapy. I cannot take care of myself beyond taking medication in the mornings and dragging myself to appointments in the afternoon. I do not know whether Ill starve because I cannot get myself eat or break down from lack of sleep first. Or just speed things up myself.There genuinely is nothing to keep me afloat. I have no reason to be alive. I am not wanted or seen or cared for by anyone. I add nothing at all to the world around me. People avoid me because I am so depressed that I am a burden and annoyance to them. I am so brutally unhappy it hurts, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I am going to die. Depression is going to kill me and I am going to be just another statistic. I do not even care because not a single person will notice I am gone in the first place. I am just waiting for my depression to kill me at this point",Depression +14127,"14 y/o. i do not want to do anything anymore. my passion for everything that i once liked, enjoyed or benefited me has gone out of the window. and i do not see the benefit in doing them any more. some days when i wake up from a 4 hour sleep, i wish id had just never woken up at all and that i would just fall asleep forever, and never wake up again. i always said that dreams were better than real life. and that has been the only statement i have ever made where i think i have been right. i hate talking to other people in fear that i will muck up. I am already quite introverted, but now every time some even does something as simple as greeting me, i want to get as far away from them as possible to prevent conversation where i will inevitably mess up. my daily schedule now consists of wake up, do school, go back upstairs and lay there until i have dinner. i have no will to get up and do something that even i know will be good for me. i want to just go away, and that is the drifting thought that frequents me in my brain. i believe that everyone hates me (which they probably do due to me being very unlikable) and they just keep me around for their own social advantage. i frequently want to just run away from every human and cry in a corner where i can just forget i even exist. i do not want to tell anyone, and i do not know if that is a good or a bad thing, since i probably just burden other people with my presence, and i will just annoy and make them hate me. but i want to know if its worth telling someone, or if I am just being a teenage hypochondriac. what should i do? sorry for ranting, i just needed to get this out of my head and online. i do not want to kill myself. i just want to disappear.",Depression +14128,"I have been talking to/going on dates with/hanging out with someone for ~2 months so far. I like them. They like me. I think a relationship would be nice but I am scared. we have all heard that (potentially problematic) saying You cannot love someone else if you do not love yourself. or you cannot accept love from others if you do not love yourself. i do not know if i really believe that. many days, i am sad. i hate my life even though on paper it is an objectively good life. most of the time, i think about how I am going to kill myself between the ages of 40 and 50. does this mean i should not start a relationship? sometimes, i feel like a burden because they are dealing with their own struggles, and i do not want to make things worse. sometimes, its the opposite and they are worried about making *my* problems worse. i also do not want to become codependent and be two depressed assholes relying too heavily on each other. if one is in a bad mood, it could make the other feed off that, and then its just a cycle of bad moods instead of helping each other feel better. as you can see, I am overthinking this, like i always do. I have been depressed most of my life, so waiting for it to get better before starting a relationship is not really a smart idea :/-(we both currently see professionals for our mental health)-**TL;DR: Can i/should i start a relationship while dealing with long-standing mental health issues (mainly depression and anxiety)? What are your thoughts and/or experiences with this? What would you do?** How depressed is TOO depressed for a relationship?",Depression +14129,"I may be suicidal but only because I try so hard to solve a problem yet fucking life throws another one at me. No one asks me are you ok? For fuck sake I do not even have real friends. I am a self diagnosed high functioning bipolar person and when everyone says, ""stay strong"" or ""it is ok"" they have a fucking easy life. I may not kill myself but is it hard to ask for less problems. After a CPS case my dad did not change one bit even with all the effort, tears and emotion. I give up he said to me the other day, ""do not question me, this is my house"" blah blah blah. Then I lost my fucking dorm contract because I was homeless when they sent it to me. Been calling for days, leaving dozens of voicemails, and a couple of emails. The one thing I was looking forward to in life is taken away from me by sheer unluckiness. My parents just ""forget"" about the CPS incident and just pretend everything is ok when its clearly not. A fucking plastic life in which I have to live in everyday and when I fall asleep I am reminded I am part of that plastic too. My mood swings have been unbearable and I just sit, read and journal but the thoughts still creep in. To the suicide hotline, which I did the text through but the guy seemed disinterested. I cannot even trust my own sister because I feel like I will get betrayed, I cannot even trust my friends because they themselves cannot relate. I do not even have my high school counselors because I graduated high school. My own thoughts always think if I talk to someone I need to pay them back in some way. Coming from trauma I trick myself that no one really cares and nothing is free and people are nice they just want something. Just crying myself to sleep and accepting my parents will never change and the fucking university housing will never reply back. I will always fucking remember when my parents called me a retard and trapped me in a room for a whole afternoon thinking I will remember the alphabet. I have no one to trust. I cannot even trust my own thoughts. I cannot even hope for a better future if fate is just shoving me down to hell. I do not want to die. I just do not want to worry about my problems. I just want a normal life. Is that too much to ask for? All that is left is a bunch of cortisol and hopelessness. what is left is the thought of suicide, not code red, but just a thought. A reoccurring thought that always comes back. I do not want to die. I just want my problems to end.",Suicidal +14130,"I have never believed in god my entire life. It just did not make a lot of sense to blindly believe in something that *might not* exist. I just want to believe that this shitty world is not it. there is more. I want to know that shitty people who makes my life miserable will burn in hell. I want to know that me of all people will go to hell for lying to everyone around me, countless times. Wasting my potential to such a huge extent that I probably will not be anything in the rest of my miserable, useless life. I desperately want heaven and hell to exist, but I know it does not.",Suicidal +14131,"My city is currently in severe lockdown and its been almost 4 weeks with no end in sight. I cannot fucking take it anymore. I cannot work, have no income, cannot attempt to socialise, cannot go to the gym or even just go outside by myself. I was also stuck at home for over a month before this due to uni exams and a really hard assignment. I had waited so long for uni break to finally see people and try to enjoy life. But no, nothing can go right in my stupid life. Years ago I used to be able to watch 5 episodes of a show in a row, stay in my room all day and just do jackshit and somehow pass the day. Now I have no attention span, can barely watch an episode of a show, I hate staying in my room or in one spot for too long - HOW THE FUCK DO I DISTRACT MYSELF. I have been trying to do art all day but it gets tiring. All I have are my poisonous thoughts that are eating me alive 24/7. I have like 2 friends I talk to online but even that is tiring. I see ppl posting pics of their zoom group chats and I wish I had atleast that. But I do not and this pandemic is decreasing my chances of ever making new friends. I am getting too old. I want to die cos I just hate living like this. Its not fair. Nothing distracts me anymore - lockdown",Depression +14132,"sometimes I just have to wonder why we live. If we all die in the end and do not remember anything, why live? Nobody is going to remember you because were all going to die, so why does it matter so much that we have to live and keep going. Were tiny organisms in this big universe, so why? People always say hey do not do it! its not worth it! Then what is worth it? does our existence really matter? Is anyone really going to care if you die? are strangers or people on the internet really going to go out of their way to cry for you? what is the point in our society? Spending over a decade in the education system, only to go out and live a mundane life everyday, and then die. Is living even worth it? Why do we live",Suicidal +14133,"my girlfriend has been diagnosed with depression/panic disorder and its been really bad for the past year or so. she is attempted suicide a couple of times, and its really heartbreaking to see her like this. eventually, she managed to tell her mum who got her involved in therapy. she thought it might be working but then she sort of dipped and her therapy stopped, as her therapist said it was not working (bit confused about this part). anyway, her mum got a doctor involved and asked for her to be prescribed antidepressants. today, she told me that the doctor said that it was not bad enough to be prescribed SSRIs, which tbh infuriated me. i do not get it, suicide attempts, clearly very depressed, yet not bad enough. what the fuck? she broke down and cried that she really could not carry on like this, and it really was heartbreaking to see, it got to me as well and it just was not nice at all. i really want to help her to get on them, but i do not know what to do. any suggestions please ? thank you.tl;dr - girlfriend had suicide attempts, diagnosed with depression, but dr said not bad enough for SSRIs. any suggestions to help please ? doctor will not prescribe SSRI",Depression +14134,24M... Ugly skinny dude at 5foot9 and 180lbs/82kg...I do not know where it all went wrong... Everyday on my daily commute...I will see couples way younger than me I.e. 18/19 year olds holding their so is.. To this day I have not even held a girls hand. A kiss is still a fantasy and sex? Lol forget it.. I have tried dating apps... Not even a single like from any of them... Going on these apps really does give you the brutal reality of how ugly you really are and makes you realise how unattractive you are to girls. Severely touch deprived... Every day going to sleep at night I am internally burning for touch... it is a huge knife to the heart knowing no one would even swipe right on you when they see a picture of you. Real life is not any better when they actively try to avoid eye contact with you or come up with excuses to leave a convo that you start with them.The pandemic has not helped either...Turned into a robot and have lost any kind of communication skills. Being touch deprived and the lack of intimacy is also affecting me at medical school...Cannot even concentrate properly...Constantly addicted to my phone because it takes my mind of having no intimacy. It hurts... Especially when you see your colleagues are paired up already...I envy them fully. Open instagram...You see couples enjoying their best life...In real life.. see couples on the train with their heads on each others shoulders...Hand holding.. Sleeping on each other... Go college.. See The same thing.. it is almost alien to me and I wonder how they make it so easyI know there are people out there in way worse situations than me in the world.. might sound like a little bitch being depressed about this... But I guess I am just weak like that. 24M...Loser virgin and pathetic in life... Self esteem gone all down the drain,Depression +14135,"Hi everyone, this is the first time I write something like this in such an open way, I hope you can understand me. My life really sucks, I am useless and full of defects. I am a 17 y male, but I have been rejected from school 2 times, changing 3 schools accordingly. I went from having a lot of friends, to not having even one, literally, I am alone, no girl has ever even talked to me, most likely because I am ugly, both aesthetically and physically, I have a hunchbacked nose, a normal ear while the other has an elf-like shape, due to a birth problem, I am full of pimples, and despite constantly using creams on creams, they do not cease to come back, I have short legs compared to the bust, it is really embarrassing, because I am tall like 5'11/1.80m but the legs are shorter than they should be. Yes, I am really depressed if you have not figured it out yet, but I was born like this, not a day goes by that I think about getting my nose or ear done again, most likely I also have a problem with my teeth or gums, which causes me to have a costantly bad breath,even if I clean my teeth several times every day, and I keep myself vert clean physically, but I do not know, I do not know what sense it makes for me to continue living this way, waking up and noticing that I am the only one to have all these problems, the only thing that perhaps makes me happy is the fact that my grandparents really loves me. Idk, I wrote this long message because that is what I constantly think every day, I do not know what to do anymore .. I am the ugliest guy you all ever going to see",Depression +14136,"Warning: I am not a native speaker and I am too stupid to learn this goddamn language properly. Sorry, I am just really stupid I plan to kill myself on my 22th birthday, which is in ten months. Not now because then i will not get a funny date of death. Also, i think this way its going to be easier for my parents. Until then i have to sell as much of my stuff as i can so my parents will not have to deal with it. I also have to get rid of everything that could remind them of me, especially photos. I really do not want photos of me anywhere near my grave (in my country people usually put deceaseds photos on headstones). do not want anyone to look at my photo and think of course she killed herself, how can you live with this face??I will probably just take ton of pills and sit on a train. that is the only way my body will be discovered before it starts to sting. I live alone in the dorm and nobody is going to look for me if I die. Sorry, I do not want that. AnywayEveryone tells me that it is going to get better!! I just have to wait!! Try therapy!! But the thing is that it will not get better, i know that. It did not get better since i was 10 or 13 or 16, it is only getting worse. I am just too fat and ugly and mentally ill to have proper relationships with real people. I lost all my chances for a better future, all i can have now is being a mad old maiden who only talks with cats. This sounds like a nightmare so I am going to end it all before it happens.And the worst thing is that I cannot change anything. that is actually the reason why I am going to kill myself. I cannot do anything to get better. Therapy is not working. At least not the one that is available for me. I tried to go to the free psychologist from my college, but it did nothing for me. These free 5 sessions were just a waste of time. I mean, yes, sir, i know that I am a bad person and cannot function normally in a society because i was criticized for my every move by literally everyone from when i was 3 y.o., so what? This knowledge gives me nothing, I am still a bad person. And paid therapy is not an option for me because I have no money. Like, it costs ~$400 a MONTH. And I will not get better in a month or even two or three. Plus, I will probably have to pay three or four other therapists that just will not work for me. ~$250 just for something that will not work. My grandmother's funeral cost (costed? were cost? i do not know sorry) about $1200. that is 2,5 months of therapy plus those therapists that will not work. it is just cheaper to die. And every time i ""got better"" i actually was just ignoring how bad everything was. Like in the trailer for We Happy Few, where main character was eating a cake but once the pill stopped working he realised that it was a rat. So yeah, I am eating a rat and i cannot do anything about it. The fact that I am not thinking about my problems does not solve them. I was writing this for too long and i forgot what exactly i wanted to say and what was the point but yeah. I have ten month until i kill myself. And i cannot do anything about it because I am too broke and just too far gone Killing myself in ten months on my 22th birthday",Suicidal +14137,"I have recently come to terms with the fact that I have mental health issues stemming from a lot of childhood trauma and started to seek help. I have been more open about talking to peers, I have been seeing a therapist, etc. these all seem and sound like good things but it honestly feels like its worse than its ever been. My mind is constantly racing with all these negative thoughts and I try to deal with them with positive self-talk but it just feels so pointless and stupid to me. Its hard to get out of bed everyday and all I want to do is go home and be alone in the silence. The thing is, I am not even happy when I am there. I just feel so alone all the time. I had a buddy call me this morning and tell me he appreciated me and all sorts of positive things but I cannot even find the energy to care. Things just ring so hollow and I do not know if Ill ever find true meaning. Depression is an interesting contradiction I have found. Thanks for reading, just needed to get it off my chest. Rough going",Depression +14138,"Here lately I have been feeling very trapped. I do the same thing every week, go to work, watch tv, clean, take care of pets, etc. I am just exhausted of it I am exhausted of having to deal with shit but I am also tired of not doing shit. I used to work as a manager of a restaurant and it was exhausting and as much as I loved the restaurant itself I grew to hate going to work, so I quit. Now I am just a regular employee at a different restaurant and I can barely survive bc I make no money. I hate that the only options I have are: 1) make lots of money but work 60+ hours and hate my life or 2) make no money barely work and still hate my life bc I have no money but hey i have free time. At this point I want pack a bag and just start a new life somewhere. I want to run away.",Depression +14139,I was doing better what happened ? ! its like i finally found some type of footing and my own brain turns against me making me feel insecures and that i would be better off dead. some times i wish i gave in a while ago. i just have to either live with this for the rest of my life or kill my self. i am tired of feeling like no one truly understands. what happened ? ! ? !,Suicidal +14140,"My city is currently in severe lockdown and its been almost 4 weeks with no end in sight. I cannot fucking take it anymore. I cannot work, have no income, cannot attempt to socialise, cannot go to the gym or even just go outside by myself. I was also stuck at home for over a month before this due to uni exams and a really hard assignment. I had waited so long for uni break to finally see people and try to enjoy life. But no, nothing works out in my stupid life. Years ago I used to be able to watch 5 episodes of a show in a row, stay in my room all day and just do jackshit and somehow pass the day. Now I have no attention span, can barely watch an episode of a show, I hate staying in my room or in one spot for too long - HOW THE FUCK DO I DISTRACT MYSELF. I have been trying to do art all day but it gets tiring. All I have are my poisonous thoughts that are eating me alive 24/7. I have like 2 friends I talk to online but even that is tiring. I want to die cos I just hate living like this. Its not fair Nothing distracts me anymore",Depression +14141,"My family does not know. They even sometimes pick up my prescriptions for me. They think I am taking them. I just have a giant stash of lexapro and welbutrin now.It was really helping me too. When I was on it I was doing so much better. I just hate myself. I do not deserve to be happy. I am worthless, stupid, ugly, and have no social skills. I always had trouble making friends but at least in high school I would maintain at least a group of 2 friends. Once we got to college they abandoned me. Literally ghosting me.... I just got my graduated with my B.S. but I felt no joy whatsoever. Everyone around me was happy to be graduating I just felt nothing. I actually hated myself even more and felt even more stupid. I mean this is what was always expected of me anyway. it is not an accomplishment. it is just something I was expected to do. If only I was not too much of a pussy to kill myself. I get closer every day and I have tried in the past.fuck idk what to do. I am just so tired of everything. I wish is was never born I have not taken my medication in over 18 months.",Depression +14142,"I tried something two months ago that I would not recommend without talking to your psychiatrist first. I slowly tapered myself off of Effexor because I was tired of the sexual side effects and the extreme withdraws that happen if you, God forbid, forget a dose. As predicted, the withdrawals were hell even tapering and now I am back to my baseline. So I am left with a very angry, irritable and depressed version of myself. No amount of exercise, diet etc will change this. I have found a new psychiatrist and will be speaking to them this week about a new regiment. The psychiatrist takes a holistic approach but does not exclude pharmaceuticals. I am wondering what are some alternatives. I do not want to go on a heavy drug like Effexor. Maybe there are some better pharmaceuticals. Of course Ill get this advice from my doctor but I guess I am just venting here. I feel so helpless to needing a drug. I suppose a diabetic feels the same way or a cancer patient or someone with HIV. The anger, temper and irritability is what really concerns me most of all. I am afraid of doing something dumb on the street if somebody were to like bump into me. that is a real bad one. Something that pharmaceuticals eliminated. I can, however have an orgasm in 5 minutes as opposed to 5 hours. Tapered off Effexor and now back to angry, raging me.",Depression +14143,"I wholeheartedly believe I was born to fail. I was born to die. Why is it so fucking hard to try and make myself believe that is not true? Everything tells me that every time I keep trying bad shit happens and I end up more fucked than before. And now, if my car breaks down, and its a spotty ass car, I will have to move across the country back to Florida with My abusive family and no money or any of my things. If it comes to that, I have my answer! Why is it so hard to convince myself that some people were not born to make it",Suicidal +14144,"I think of killing myself everyday. I have tried so hard to deny this but its literally the truth. It does not matter if I am having a good day or not I think about not being alive.I constantly have to immerse myself into art to keep myself from thinking about it. I have to put on my happy face for my family because then they will get worried and be in my face 24/7 like they did in the past and its triggering. Then again none of them really care. Its like oh she wants to kill herself let me find out why then leave/gossip after I doI tend isolate so my friends do not know I struggle with this. Its just sad when I am on calls and everyone is laughing, then I am the back of my mind I literally know I just had a severe breakdown an hour ago. I feel like such a fake sometimes. I do not want to overwhelm other people with my problems so I just shut up.I struggle because I feel so empty. No matter what I do or achieve is helpful. I do tons of self care but it does not matter because I know the happiness I feel can shift in minutes.I know my disorder has an strong effect on this and its so draining. It hurts to live. It hurts to not even know who I am sometimes. I often lose interest in whatever I am doing then it comes back then leaves and its a cycle that feels so vicious. Exhausted",Depression +14145,"(19 F) Why is that I am always forgotten or ignored? I am really giving my best to be the best friend to my one and only friend. I comfort them whenever they want to talk about their problems, help them to solve these problems or anything. I already told her last autumn when I really just had enough that I understand she has a life. But why is she always ignoring my messages and only seeing them when we meet at school and I ask them ""what is wrong, why did not you responded to my messages yesterday?"". And no, I am not bombing her with messages. Only the normal conversation between friends: ""you want to go anywhere tomorrow after school?"", ""have you read that-"", ""i cannot do this hw, help me please?"", sending memes, etc - just on the minimal, like 1 message/2 days. She knows god damn well that I have no one else to talk to. it is hard for me to bottle up everything again when I thought I finally got a friend who can listen to me. it is so damn suffocating because I cannot do anything. Even now. I am working overboard for 2 months now. Not a single ""wassup"", ""so how is it going"" or anything. Nothing. And I see her being online all the time because she is not working. And before someone says it why am I not writing her first well, I was always the one to do that. I may be stupid and stubborn right now but I do not really care. Let it be a test if I should continue this or no. The shittiest is that I do not even feel sad about it because this situation is not new for me. To be alone and just living through every day. But it is hard when you get here again after experiencing everything that a friendship can offer you. I feel hopeless and kind of empty.I just really want someone to listen to me. Just once. Is it really that much to ask for? I am confused",Depression +14146,"I forgot what real problems were lol. I forget I am depressed so often.anyways, I have not brushed my teeth in a while and my dentist was a real dick about it and now I want to cry. he even judged my personal life choices like wtf I want guages what is wrong with that. I have gingivitis lol I want to kill myself I am a failure. I know this is not a huge deal but my body cannot handle stress at all. I have been inside my own head for months and now I am terrified all over again. I am scared of this body. my first reaction is to kill myself. I want to die again. this makes me suicidal, when I am normally suicidal over cartoons and nothing.I am fucking broken and worthless ahah. I lied to my mom. I am a fucking coward and a loser. hah.I am going to break down nowI know there is no good excuse for not brushing your teeth. but I am depressed. even on a good day. I do not know maybe that is nothing haha. I really want to kill my body. I have had hardly any stress today and I am already ready to curl up and die. let me die I KNOW ITS NOT AN EXCUSE BUT JESUS I am FALLING APART",Depression +14147,"Everythingn I tried to do gets wrong, I ruined my profesional education, I always sabotage my relationships (friends, family, girlfriend) and my plansNothing gets good for me, and its all my faultI do not know what can I do to change and fix all that I messedThe only thing I think is that it is best to just stop ruining it by no longer existing. But I am too coward for this. I am fucking useless",Suicidal +14148,"For 8 fucking years, I have been lied to. The 5 therapists you have gone to? It takes time for that to work.The dozens of pills that have not made me feel even any kind of better? Well, the medication takes time to get used to.Getting over a breakup, that was caused because I loved her too much? It takes time to get over that.The other people are either sick and twisted for giving me false hope when they know it will not amount to anything, or they are simply too stupid to realize that they are in denial. Its been 8 entire fucking years. I am sick of waiting for something, some kind of relief, that will never come. I want to blow my fucking brains out. it would be a lot easier and quicker than any kind of treatment or waiting. I am sick of waiting.",Suicidal +14149,"I am just tired of everything, i cannot sleep at night because i overthink about something that happend recently. Everyone says it will get better but its not getting better, i do not know how to fix my life. I cannot feel any other emotion other than sadness. I am just tired",Depression +14150,"I do not have any friends, and I do not think I can make any irl friends untill my 20s (5 years from now), because of my parents and stuff. I just want someone to talk to. it is lonely I just want someone to talk to",Depression +14151,"I have always been the one people go to when they need to vent or want some advice - I do not know why, I am not a very open person but apparently people see me as a good listener.I have always taken on the caregiver role as I am hugely empathetic and if I am asked for help I will give it my all. Other peoples feelings prey on my mind more than my own. Over lockdown I realised how much of a shitstorm my mental health has become - so many people have had an awful time, developing depression because of the world being shut down like it was. Thing is, they came to me for consolation but it all weighed down on me so much that I developed severe depression and major generalised anxiety disorder myself. And still I feel guilty when I do not have the energy to give other people the help they need.Does anyone have any advice? How I can be there for others as much as possible without it being a detriment to myself? The truest irony in my life is that I have spent my whole life trying to heal everyone elses mind, yet I cannot even look after my own.",Depression +14152,"it is my birthday tomorrow, in the psych ward. It feels so strange to turn have birthday while being suicidal and wanting to die. Actually, I should be happy and grateful for the congratulations and presents, but all I want is to die. In the equivalent of ""happy birthday"" where I live, they sing, among other things, that you should live ""in hundred years"", it feels so strange. Also, spending your birthday in the psych ward feels terrible. The best present would have been to die. I am turning 16 tomorrow",Suicidal +14153,"I have more friends, a partner, a great paying job and is highly educated yet I feel a million times worse than I did 10 years ago just being a dishwasher. I feel like I have tried everything: training, nutrition, therapy, antidepressants and anti-anxiety, self-medication, and yet nothing does anything. It came 3 years ago and it just never seem to go away. I lay in bed 20 hours a day and just hate myself. I have super understanding and supportive friends, family and partner but alas, here I lay. Can I ever be whole? I ""should be happy""",Depression +14154,"I wrote a song about how painful it is to watch my sister go through depression without having the power to do anything about it but be there for her. It took me months to come up with the words that felt right, so I thought I would share them with you in case anybody needs to vent or express themselves the way I was able to:I have added a link below if you relate to the lyrics and wanted to listen to the song Hurt Anyway - LozHow do you stop the stars from fading?I have tried and I have triedBut I fail every timeWhyd you grow cold and dark like the nighttime?I would give anything to see you shineShine like you used toYou were my night light, darling I have tried to pick you upCos I know you are feeling downBut you hurt anywayHurt anywayHurt anyway, ohI want you to stayWant you to stayWant you to stay, ohTake another stepTake another breathIll take away the painYoure feeling(Feeling)How do you pickPick up the piecesThat were perfect beforeThe sky hit the floorWhy do you howl torment in the nighttime?You shatter my heart, my love how I climbClimb the walls these daysYou are my everythingI have tried to pick you upCos I know you are feeling downBut you hurt anywayHurt anywayHurt anyway, ohI want you to stayWant you to stayWant you to stay, ohTake another stepTake another breathIll take away the painYoure feelingYour fire is burning outAnd I feel powerlessOh, how I ache for youDo I conceal how much I care?Oh, how I ache for youDarling, I break for youBut you hurt anywayHurt anywayHurt anyway, ohI want you to stayWant you to stayNeed you to stay, ohTake another stepTake another breathLet me take away the pain,The pain, the pain[Loz - Hurt Anyway]( Do you relate to my lyrics?",Depression +14155,"My Dad was flaunting his wealth and telling me that if I do not get employed and stop being sad, i will not be able to maintain the life that I am living. Man fuck your wealth, I do not even value my life here, who is going to ask me if I am alright? Why do not these messed up late time boomers understand what mental health is? He tells me I am lazy af and wasted 23 years of my life and my problem is that I ""think a lot"" both the issues are contributed by my severe anxiety which he does not have brains to understand. The only thing I really wish was if only i was born poor. At least I did not have to deal with this crap and become depressed and suicidal. My dad is so toxic and full of crap lol.",Depression +14156,"I am so tired.I know in my heart I can fight this. I have done this a million times before. But for what? A few brisk moments where I can lie to myself and pretend it is all okay. But it is not. I am not okay.I do not want to fight anymore. It never changes anyway. Nothing gets better. I do not think it ever will. Whenever I try to fix things they only end up in a worse state than when I began. One of the things I regret is when I do nothing. I vowed to protect them. The little angels who brought me a sliver of hope when I was at my lowest. The ones who gave me a reason to continue on in this cruel world of pain and torment. But I lied. As it turns out, my promises are nothing but empty words and lies. I tried so hard at first, but no matter what I did it was never enough. I am just too scared she is going to hurt me and they have to pay the price. It pains me to know that they are going to grow up the same way as I did just because I am too much of a coward to do anything.Yet another thing that has gone wrong, because of me. I just hope I can help ease the pain as much as possible so they do not end up as much of a pitiful excuse for a human being as me.Its not getting better. Its never going to is it? I am going to be 15 soon. That is If I stay alive for long enough to see that day. I used to tell myself that they needed me. It would be selfish to leave them again. I am still so guilty about the first time I left them. I wonder how many times they cried for me. And all because I was too selfish to stay. But they coped last time. They do not need me. One thing I do not get is why everyone still just blames him. do not they see?!? My other siblings do not remember. Nobody remembers. Nobody knows. I am left to carry the burden of the past all on my own. it is not like I could forget after all. I remember every word, every bruise every tear. I remember everything. I remember the pain and the sorrow and the hope for the future. I remember it all. that is the only thing that is really changed I guess.There is no hope.They make out she was the victim. He stabbed her in the heart and left her for dead while she was the heroine who save the day and soldiered on for her children. What a load of bullshit. I know the truth. I was there and I watched it. The images are ingrained in my memory, the truth like a bullet lodged in my skull. They were both as bad as eachother, a fiendish pair. She is not innocent. I remember when she held me down and made him record me as I screamed and cried and begged her to stop ""restraining me"" as they put it. All I did was talk back. All I did was get upset. All I did. I remember when she threatened to post the footage of me screaming and crying on social media if I did not do as she said. Blackmail was one of their favorite forms of punishment. I REMEMBER IT ALL. I remember when I was three and he held me against the wall by neck shouting in my face, the stench of alcohol on his breath overwhelming. I remember when I told her I was going to kill myself and she called me a coward and told me to wait until the morning because she was too tired and there was nothing she could do, yet when her perfect princess said she was feeling depressed she took her up the hospital. I REMEMBER WHEN THEY BOTH SAT THERE AND IGNORED EVERYTHING MY SISTER DONE. EVERY WORD SHE SAID EVERY BRUISE SHE GAVE ME. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS FIVE AND I CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN TEARS BECAUSE BOTH OF MY SIBLINGS WERE BULLYING ME AND SHE JUST TOLD ME TO BE HER BIG BRAVE GIRL INSTEAD OF ADRESSING THE ISSUES. I REMEMBER. I REMEMBER. AND OH HOW I WISH I COULD FORGET. ALL I WANTED WAS FOR THEM TO LOVE ME. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!? WHAT DID I DO!?!I am sorry about that. It just hurts to know that after all of that they get off scot free and I am left in the dust scrambling around trying to find the pieces of myself that they tore up and scattered in the wind. It hurts when they talk about how brave my sister is and how she had it so much worse than us because she was the oldest. How it is all my dad's fault. My sister has a boyfriend who loves her and a generous following on social media. She has money. She could not be happier. My mother met her dream guy. they are about to get married. Where does that leave me? I think you can guess. If I was in the same place they were I would not be going to reddit to write all of this. I would not need to. they have done so much more and caused so much damage and it hurts to know that all I ever did was try to be good. All I ever wanted was to be nice. I did everything they told me to do. I tried so hard. So why am I stuck here and they get their perfect lives? What did I do wrong?If you read this, please help me. Tell me where I went wrong so I can fix it. Please. All I ever wanted, was to be happy. The weight of the past",Depression +14157,But who am I to tell you really? I tried drinking more than my dosage and boy did I have the best sleep in my life. Sleep is safety. Although when you wake up you will be disoriented and suffer memory loss for a couple of days. Drink your meds responsibly do not overdose!!!,Suicidal +14158,"Dysphoria. Wahoo! I want to blow my fucking brains against my ceiling fan so my stupid fucking parents have to clean them. I hope that they slip on a piece of my stupid, pathetic fucking tranny brain. Every day, dealing with this dysphoria fucking shit is like slamming my head into a brick wall on multiple sides. I hate everyone, and myself. And i cannot even help what is causing it. One of my friends told me I am a manic depressive, because i have extreme bouts of anger towards myself and others. I somehow doubt that. I think i just need to kill myself. The world would be better off with one less stupid fucking tranny to 'worry' about. Everyone hates me, and hates when i try to bring up what is hurting me. None of them really care. So i guess this is a suicide note, i cannot fucking take it anymore. I hope you all burn in hell for what you have done to me and my trans siblings. Fuck you. it is fucking back!",Suicidal +14159,"My therapist and I am hopeful ill be off my medication by September. See, here is the thing. I was happy that I am somehow better. Its 3am and all I can think of is to just put an end to all this bullshit. What if all this time I have been fooling myself? There are still days and nights when all I just want to do is beat the shit out of me till I just yk, not wake up anymore. Am I going to get better? I am really not convinced. I mean I want to but these demons do not easily leave you do not they? Been on therapy for a couple of months now anddd",Suicidal +14160,Why was I born without my consent into a shitty world? And I cannot even leave because my family will be upset and I cannot do that to them. I have been feeling like this for so long and I will not stay here any longer if this is all its going to be. I just want to be happy but that seems impossible knowing that life is pointless and all the things I am working towards could be taken from me any day for no reason. Wtf kind of shit is that What is the point,Depression +14161,"Hi, I am just writing this because I want to put it in writing.So, I am a mid 20's straight male who is about to get Master's degree at a university in Europe. For most people that would be considered a real start of life, but for me, it will mark the end. I hope I will leave this world soon after getting my diploma. The reasons are as follows.I have no real friends. I barely hang out with anyone, and even when I do, I always feel like such a burden. Nobody ever invites me anywhere, I always have to initiate something. I have also never had sex, never even kissed a girl, or had a girlfriend. I do not blame them, girls do not like short introverts who have no self confidence. Even though I will finish university, I feel like I am so much dumber than everyone else. I cannot see myself ever getting hired for a job (I have sent applications, and I am always rejected or ignored). Again, I do not blame them either. I have watched all my former class colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable. They all graduated already, have steady jobs, their own houses, girlfriends/boyfriends etc. and I am just here sitting alone writing on SuicideWatch subreddit.The worst part is, I only have myself to blame. Sure, being short, kind of ugly, and being from a poor family did not help, but I have seen people who had it worse than me succeed way better than me. I also have full support from my family in everything I do which is heartbreaking. I would actually prefer if they did not give a damn about me so I could just leave in peace. I have been kind of lazy my whole life, but I would say the bigger problem was that I never had a proper friend/tutor in life. I never had someone I could actually talk about my problems with, or what course in life to do, or to ask help with girl etc. Please do not suggest me psychiatrists, they are incredibly expensive (no way I could afford private ones) and barely do their job where I live, so that is just not an option. So, my current plan is to finish my degree just so my former colleagues do not think that is the reason I left and I look even dumber. After that, I would tell my family I am looking for a job, but I actually will not, and I would just leave one day. I already have a notepad list of things to do (delete everything from phone, web history, stuff like that), put my cash savings in an envelope under my pillow so my family can afford the funeral, and just say I am going to take a walk but I will never come back.that is the plan. Time to leave",Suicidal +14162,"This is only lasting for 2 days but still. Is someone else experiencing depression leaving your mind some times, like a a stormcloud exposing Sun light after a long period of rain?",Depression +14163,"so let me explain what happened today I had a fight with my mom and then out of nowhere she said ""if you killed yourself nobody would cry at your funeral"" I already made a post about my life but anyway after hearing that I went to the roof and I just started crying screaming and talking about the unfair treatment life has given to me, we are in a new city, so I have no friends, nothing, nobody to talk to, I really want to let hatred consume me or maybe it already did, I really do not know what to do I am lost",Depression +14164,"Since I was in quarantine and homeschooling my social skills got worse and worse. I used to be funny and knew how to start a conversation out of nowhere. The boys of my friendgroup started to seek a different group than mine so I was really pissed because they had no time for me anymore. I really tried to forgive. I am still trying to forgive them. it is just... I just cannot. They left me in my phase where I needed friends. I even told them that I need them. But nothing changed. They even forgot my birthday that we spoke about 2 days earlier. I just feel like I am worthless. Now their group ripped apart because of really fucked up shit and it is no surprise that they are with me again. And as I said I just want to forgive. Somehow. But I.. I just cannot. Something in me says it cannot. We met again, we played games again but somehow... it is not the same. I am always nervous and somehow frustrated when I am with the boys. It get's better after some time but if I think about the past again, what happens often, I am in a downphase again like now. Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my friends. I will congratulate him but there is just something inside me that makes me constantly angry when I think about his birthday. There is something that makes me sad when I think about my friends. My relation to my other friends, who are girls, is fine I guess. Even though my overthinking and lack of conversation skill really damaged it I think. I just do not have the strong bond I used to have. And I am never sure if it is me or the friend. They have problems too because of the whole lockdown thing so I am pretty sure that it is mostly because of this. But way too often my thoughts are not the same that I am feeling what makes some days really hard. After all I think they like me in a way but then there is my overthinking. Every word they say and every movement just triggers something inside me. I immediately think about it and take it as an insult or think of a sign that our relation is bad. And I think that is the actual thing that destroys my relations and I just do not know how to handle... I just do not want to loose them... I just do not have clear thoughts and wanted to vent a bit... This is so confusing for me and I do not know how to handle my feelings. Do you have same kinds of feelings and thoughts? Do you have ideas how to handle them? I wish you guys all the best with every problem you have. The world is cruel but after all I am confident that every person can fix it is own little perception to the world and make it a better place <3 Why cannot I forgive my friends? I know they did shit but I really want to forgive them",Depression +14165,A week is the most I can stay afloat!!??? Seriously? I feel pathetic. I just feel like making a really drastic change to myself I am falling again,Depression +14166,"I have been on Prozac for about 8 months now. It has been life changing. After getting over the first two months of awful ramp up side effects, this medicine just plain makes me happy and enjoy life. I am a better mom because of it. However, I have gained 30 lbs on it and I eat the same as I always have and work out diligently. I know its the meds. Has anyone tried adding something to Prozac or another SSRI that has helped lose or stave off weight gain? Wellbutrin? Prozac weight gainadd Wellbutrin?",Depression +14167,"I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of waking back up if I am not successful. My brother committed suicide a month ago and I have never thought he would do such a thing. He would always seem like he was angry or always slept in late, but I never perceived it as sad or suicidal. He was only 17. He was my only brother. My little brother. I have never thought I would ever see my brother in a hospital bed. I always thought it would be the other way around. I have dealt with major depression and ptsd for a long time and I had always thought of killing myself. I was not sure how I would do it. If I were to, I want to make sure I never come back. I have decided in November I am going kill myself. Just not a specific day or time. Not really sure yet on how, kind of have an idea but might look more into it. So far as of now, Ill try to better myself. Look for a new therapist, take care of myself, be a better daughter, be a better girlfriend, be a better friend. Maybe Ill change my mind later but I do not feel like things will get better. Holding on for a little longer.",Suicidal +14168,"I have been thinking to myself almost daily (general suicidal thoughts happen by the hour, but this general line of thought pops up less) that Ill have offed myself by next year for about 7 years now. Its kind of a strange/funny attitude to have (about as funny as thinking about suicide can be). Ehh fuck it I will not brush my teeth, if they go bad Ill have killed myself by then.Sorry if this comes off as too lighthearted, I just do not have the drive to express how shitty I feel. Anybody else just postpone their suicide for years?",Suicidal +14169,"This is not for attention. He left me and I want to die. I do not' know what to do. I have been crying all day because I miss him so much. He left me beacsue I am sick in the head and I did not get help. He was my only friend and a person I could talk to about anything. if you tell me what to do Please help. Or please e I am trying to get better and he does not know. I just want him to support me but i cannot do it i'f I am all alone so I need him&#x200B;Ifw you see this, I love you so much and miss you Love of my life left me and I want to die",Depression +14170,People are so selfish and do not care. Even my own family told me to go ahead and kill myself when I said I am depresdsed I want to die because no one gives a shit about anybody today,Suicidal +14171,"I am just tired of this.Like 1% of people on earth understand me, everyone else does not listen to me, thinks I am crazy, thinks I am dumb, etc. When I was growing up I always wished I was a boy so people would believe me, so I would not have to be treated the way I am. I am not trans, I already went through that phase and came out the other side learning more than I ever should have.The person I loved was sexist without knowing it, thinking that turning themselves into a girl gave them the right to wear choker collars, booty shorts, crop tops, make jokes about being a dumb girl, being a bimbo, finally allow themself to be weak and soft. We watched a sexist anime once, which is fine I am able to watch them sometimes as long as the person I am watching it with understands as well. It was so clearly fetishizing of women, I said that and she fought with me for 30 minutes. Then the end credits rolled and it was just a close up of the main character's ass bouncing, then it was just a close up of the main characters giant boobs bouncing. It sucks that people do not believe me until its strikingly obvious.... what happens when its not so blatantly obvious? They just do not believe me. They still do not think they are sexist. I am tired of males getting to self-declare themselves as not sexist. Yes there are good parts of life, but I do not see the point while feeling so misunderstood by so many people. I do not have the power right now to kill myself, but I wish I could just die in my sleep painlessly tonight so I could finally be free of this. I do not want to kill myself, but I hope I get a terminal illness and die quickly and painlessly.",Suicidal +14172,"I think I am starting to have a bit of a dilemma. After reading the research as presented by this subreddit I started wondering about abusive people. Keeping abusive people in your life is destructive, but by cutting them out you are decreasing belongingness of both people by definition. This is first real world example of a trolley problem I have ever encountered. I mean it is no surprise that human interaction is a complicated beast, but I am still kind of shocked either way. I do not have a good way to answer this. Trolley Problem Like Situation",Suicidal +14173,Cw for transphobia So a few days ago I had to fill out a form in front of my mom and as I was filling it out the gender option came up. As a closeted trans person I hesitated and my mom proceeded to call me crazy. I luckily convinced her that I was just reading what the other options were. As time went by she started calling me more gendered words to my birth sex and getting mad at me more often. She always trys to hug me or touch me and I hate so much usually she would get mad but lately she is doing it more and more often and getting more mad and when I do not let her she just instantly gets pissed and says get out of my face. When I was sick she said I am not sick but as soon as my sister said it my mom instantly went to help her and care for her. It felt like she was mocking me saying if you loved me this could have been you. Sometimes I wish my mom would just hit me because at least that way I would have a concrete valid reason as to why I hate her so much because with why I hate her right now apparently its not enough and I know I am just going to get she is religious she is not going to change just ignore it and its so annoying because now I am question myself as to if I am over reacting. Its so tiring having to live is with her and be on my guard all day. I do not feel safe in my home anymore and I do not have the option to move out right now as I am still way to young. Vent post,Depression +14174,"I am 27, 57 220. I have not had sex in 4 years because the last few times I could not keep up my erection. I am a grower not a shower but even when it grows its max at like 4.5 length and my girth is like 4 in circumference. And when its flaccid its like a fucking baby dick. When I was with my ex back in 2015-2016 the sex was great then I started to not be able to keep it up longer than 10-15 minutes. I was 180 at the time and was 5.5 inches. We broke up because of it and I had sex with a local slut and she told everyone how small I was and its completely destroyed me ever since. I feel I am too small to keep it up because the vagina walls do not grip it enough and I have just been telling myself to Kill myself for years now but I cannot because of family and friends. I just do not know what to do anymore, I do not think Ill ever be able to satisfy a women and its holding me back from just about everything in life, I just want to hide away from the world Any guys in here have suicidal thoughts because of there penis size?",Suicidal +14175,"Going on some day trips/tourist things in Washington state with my family, and I constantly find myself dreading the stuff that is suppose to be fun. I wish I was excited for doing things with my family but I cannot wait to go home. I constantly dread anything that is a little bit out of my comfort zone",Depression +14176,"I went out on my bike today and that is was absolutly terrible decision. I spend over 3 hours alone with my thoughts and i constantly thought about hating myself, hating the world and how much i want to kill myself/die. I was listening to music but it did not help at all. All i could do was thinking about how much i want to be dead already.At some point I was so deep in my thoughts that i did not notice STOP sign. I almost got hit by a car at a crossroads. Shame it was small intersection with 30km speedlimit so driver menaged to stop before hitting me. I wish he was a traffic pirate and drove over 100. I honestly had like 40 minutes to home from that crossroad and all i could think about was how much i regret he did not kill me right there. I am not even lucky enough to get killed on a road. Hunderds ppl die everyday on roads. Why i could not be one of them today.Well shit. Time to get drunk again. Idk how to title this. whatever",Depression +14177,"I wake up everyday with this sense of impending doom and then I lay there for a few hours until my housemates, who I avoid completely since I have lived here have left the house, then I creep out of my room to get some food then scurry back in before anyone gets home. I occasionally go out to buy food/toiletries but that is getting less and less these days. This is my life. I do not have a job, I do not want a job, have not worked in over a year. I do not enjoy anything anymore, feels like years now. I do not know what to do.. I have always felt hollow if I am honest and it only gets worse as I get closer to death. What the fuck am I waiting for I do not know what to do with myself",Suicidal +14178,"Who talked to me on this day. But I think I only have till midnight after all, so 3 hours left. I cannot get out anymore. Thanks for everything you all have done for me but I am not ready to face the realities of life.Sorry C. I am sorry. it is not your fault. I am just broken from birth. Thanks to the people previously",Suicidal +14179,"Got out of bed at noon. Just sitting on my phone. do not even feel like going to the bathroom, combing my hair or making my coffee. I have court in two days and I am terrified about screwing up, and the judge ruling against me and my attorney seeing me as a waste of time.I am pet sitting now and feel like I should be happy. The pressure is on to clean before I leave as this is someone elses house. I suck at cleaning. I want the pain to stop. So tired of it. do not even care",Depression +14180,in about a week i will make a few cyanide pills so that i can go anytime i want i am making cyanide,Suicidal +14181,Love is one of the absolute worst things your brain can do to you. Fuck sake Fuck love dude holy shit,Suicidal +14182,"It does not matter how hard I try, how much I fight to get better, it all comes down to my progress being erased and the universe kicking me when i 'm down. It does not get better for me, and I am so tired of pretending it will and that everything will work out. I am out of place in this world, because i was never meant to be here in the first place. It feels like the reason my life is so bad is because I was never meant to exist in the first place",Suicidal +14183,"I cannot remember the last time I felt content with life. I am on two antidepressants just to get through the day, and it barely gets me up in the morning. Every disappointment/set back in life feels ten times as heavy when you are already at rock bottom. I do not feel joy in life, just small moments of laughter or jaded hope. I am really trying to come out of it all, but I just keep getting hit over and over and over again. It looks like Ill be losing my job today. To top it off, the manager talked to me with complete disgust on his face. I am so tired of feeling dehumanized. People say you can reach out and talk to them whenever, but they are never there. Even the people who mean well, do not fully understand. What they meant by, tell me your problems, is you telling them how much better you are doing, and then changing the topic and putting the focus on them. They do not actually give a shit about you and your legitimate problems, they just want to hear how great everything is while you are drowning. DO NOT mention if you are feeling suicidal, then they look at you like you are a crazed monster! It is selfish and I do not talk to those people anymore. Which has created an even lonelier existence, but at least I do not have people looking down on me for trying to survive. I like reading the posts here, because you guys truly understand the pain of it all. The only place I feel heard. let us keep trying our best, its all we can do. So tired",Suicidal +14184,"I am on day 3 of Pristiq. I have tried Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Lexapro. I have never felt side effects like this before when initial starting meds. Could this be a sign that they may be working? I feel like I did a light line of coke. Feeling side effects on day 3 a good thing?",Depression +14185,"Hello everyone. English is not my first language, so please forgive me if it is hard to understand. My husband has had depression symptoms thru out his life and take Stablon once a day. Through out our marriage, I have noticed the pattern that when he is very angry at someone ( for example, fight with me mistreated at worketc) When he gets to his boiling point and somehow he manages to calm down himself but about a few hours or so later, he will be overwhelmed with sensed worthlessness and desire to end hid life. Does anyone experience the same as my husband does and can someone explain to me if this is a chemical in the brain( hormone?) thing?What would stop him from having a suicidal thoughts after getting worked up emotionally. Thank you so much for your help! Desire to end life after getting really angry",Depression +14186,"I have been trying to drop hints that I need to see someone professional and she finally asked if I would be interested in seeing a psychiatrist, I think Ill finally be on a road to being better My Mom Finally asked if I want help",Depression +14187,"I have been drinking, blacking out, crying and fighting with my boyfriend every day for the past week or two. I think it would be easier and less painful to just leave. Drinking is not working, the feelings just make their way out when I black out and I have another reason to wake up feeling like shit. I cannot afford a mental hospital stay, and idk when they would let me out I do not know how it works. I cannot remember the past two weeks.",Suicidal +14188,"I meant that. Stop preventing me from doing this just so I can live in pain humiliation and torture. This week it ends. If not, hell on earth will continue to get even worse for me. And ok its all my fault then why not let me fix it for good. Me dying is a good thing not bad ok? Please. Something literally just healed me last night you felt like i had a heartattack. I am not going to allow that to keep happening. I refuse to stay here and i quit this body. If someone like me wants to die please do not stop me. You do not know what type of hell they are going through. do not assume.",Suicidal +14189,"I am M[25] and feel I have hit rock bottom. Its been over a month since my date ended seeing me anymore citing 'there is no spark'. I have struggled to get over it and think about her everyday. She was not an insanely hot girl or particularly charismatic, just usual and down to earth which suits me just fine. I felt we had some real connection potential, but clearly not for her. I think had this been the only girl to have ever said this to me I would be fine, but every single girl I have dated from my first in year 8 to now has ended it because they do not feel any chemistry. I have never had a girlfriend and feel like I will never be enough for anybody to want me romantically. I hate the thought of being alone, I want to experience sharing my feelings and going places with a significant other and enjoying life. I accepted a long time ago to be content with myself, but now that is running very dry. I appreciate this may not sound like an important issue to others but for me it opens a whole can of worms regardining my self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. What also hurts is that I struggle to get dates generally and when I do even that feels like a big achievement. I am lucky in some senses I have a career as a teacher, got friends and partly own an apartment of my own, but none of that matters to me at the moment. I think about suicide every day and how I would go about it...i think I need some miracle to keep me going. Feel something missing from my life - giving up hopes of carrying on",Suicidal +14190,"Please help me, any painless way to die? I do not want to live anymore. I hate being here, everyday is a struggle, I do not think I will ever graduate from college, get a decent job. My parents should not have given birth to me. This place is hell for me. Social Anxiety is making me suicidal",Suicidal +14191,"Around 2017 I found myself in a really shitty situation. My friends turned out to be the worst people on the fucking planet as they had made me chase them so far for their real friendship that I was at a point that I had no one else left. I did not feel like I could ask my family for help at that point, but when I finally came to and dropped those bottom feeding shit lords, I had run out of crossroads and was frustrated. I threw myself into games, Overwatch, Minecraft, Call of Duty, it did not matter to me. I stayed in that same situation until the pandemic. I do not mean it got better, it got fucking worse as I could not go outside at all, and as a direct result of that, it became quite literally all I did. At this point, I got some records in Overwatch and a few other games which had validated in my mind that this was what I was built to do. I then met someone who I thought actually might not be a toxic cunt, but as of now I am having doubts because I think my damaged social skills and autism kind of made her turn her back to me. I do not even know at this point, but I do not want to get more stuck in than I already am, do not have anyone else I can talk to or go outside with, but I also do not want to become a lifeless living thing. I am having darker thoughts as of yet which have always lingered but have been amplified because of her sort of avoiding me. I threw myself into games and cannot get back out",Suicidal +14192,"I know, it is just in my head. I know I will probably feel a little bit better again in a few weeks. But depression will never leave. I will never get married and have kids, I will never fulfill my dreams. Everybody leaves me, I cannot keep people I love close to me. I am constantly unlucky, people decide against me, I am lonely. I just cannot anymore. I have one friend. And yes I am happy to have her, but... it is hard to be happy about that when everybody else hates you. I fell in love with one man. And he marries another woman, although he loves me too. This situation is so fucked up and it makes me feel like my whole life keeps being the mess it has been for 22 years. I am sorry for rambling. I just needed to vent a little since I do not have anyone to talk to right now. My heart is aching like it always has been and every time I fall into depression hole it gets worse. I just never want to wake up anymore, so I do not bother people anymore and my heart finally stops aching. I do not want to wake up anymore.",Suicidal +14193,My friends are moving away to their dorms in different cities and states and my parents forced my to break up with my boyfriend. I feel like I do not have anybody anymore and I feel so alone. My current job does not pay enough and I need to get a new job but I would miss my coworkers so much. Everything I care about is getting ripped away from me and I am trying to hold on as much as I can. My life is falling apart,Depression +14194,"Or just given any sort of personal attention. I swear the complete lack of it devastates me sometimes, but there is very few I am comfortable with. Its so hard When was the last time you were hugged",Depression +14195,"Certainly did not ""cure"" my depression - but it took the edge off. Brand name is Effexor. it is an SSRI. Venlafaxine helped me",Depression +14196,"I have been doing so well with treating my anxiety and poor body image, I am in counselling, I have supportive friends. I feel so selfish for feeling like this. I feel like I am disrespecting and making a mockery of people who have killed themselves because I know if I worked at it I could make this horrid feeling go away. But I am just so tired. Mentally I am completely exhausted. My mum was just diagnosed with yet another serious disease and because her immune system is already weak as hell from her medication it could be potentially fatal. My dad blames her 'bad lifestyle' for it so they are constantly screaming at each other -- they both want a divorce, but cannot afford one. I am so sick of trying to block out the arguing and I do not know what to do anymore. I am probably going to die young anyway because the disease is hereditary and every single female in my mum's bloodline has gotten some form of it. Yeah, I could take medication for the rest of my life, but is it worth it? there is nothing even wrong with me. I got good grades in my mock exams (I am 15 and in secondary school), I have such nice friends but all they seem to do is annoy me now. I know they do not mean to. it is my fault. I am doing stupid shit I never would have done a month ago like taking more painkillers than necessary and walking out of lessons to hide in the toilets until the end of the day. For reference, this time last month I had severe anxiety and would not even speak in lessons. Now I am leaving them without asking and snapping when I do not get my way. I even fucking told a teacher yesterday that I felt like hurting myself, that I felt suicidal, and I had to sit in her office while she called my mum and put the phone on speaker so I heard what she had to say about it. I have stopped looking both ways before I cross the road, stopped caring about what other people think about me, started shutting out everybody who cares, and when I get home I just cry. that is it. Cry and sleep. it is so absurd to me because I read what I am writing and I sound pathetic -- so many people do worse things than this and I feel so wrong for wanting to die but I am just done. I do not know what to do anymore. Anyhow I have one last day of school left before the summer holidays which is 6 weeks long in the UK so that is 6 weeks to do nothing but sit alone and think. My counsellor's calling me after school but I think I might just ignore it. I think I might overdose this summer. it is probably a temporary feeling that will be gone in a few days but I just needed to get it all out y'know? That way if I do end up offing myself in at least my parents will have some idea of what I was feeling when they look through my phone. I am just tired. Scared. I think. Does anyone know how much paracetamol is considered an overdose? it will deter me if suddenly this seems more real. This summer I might end it all",Suicidal +14197,"so this sounds a bit weird but i was just wondering if anyone else is going through this. i only have a few friends. about five. and they are pretty much the only people i talk to. they all know I am suicidal. i joke about it a lot. and most of them have gotten concerned enough to ask me if I am serious. I have had talks about some of them with it. and as much as i really do not want help. and i do not want them to tell anyone, it kind hurts that they do not. you know what i mean? like they do not want me to do it but l, they have known for a while and none of them have actually done anything to prevent it. ok it sounds dumber now that I have typed it out but still. i do not want help, but it hurts that nobody is trying?",Suicidal +14198,I am just never going to be happy I also hate this world a lot everyone is lowkey a piece of shit so even though its wrong aka they are told to say that no one actually cares if someone offs themselves but I am going to do it I am tired of living and I cannot wait to die Life is too boring and too frustrating,Suicidal +14199,"I live my life everyday in fear and misery and i just want it all to go away. Doc prescribed me kpins to help but they do not, so i just want to take enough to go to sleep and never wake up. how much klonopin is considered an overdose?",Suicidal +14200,"Is it normal to feel like a cry baby? I have struggled with depression since my early teens but something has changed. I do believe it is my job, but why? Its a good job, what the fuck is wrong? I am providing for my family, but fuck, I feel as if I cannot even have time with them.My husband does not understand. I feel like he thinks I am just exaggerated and whiny. I cannot even talk to him like I used to.I cannot focus. Normally I would say its like I just cannot turn my brain off, but its more like I have turned it off and cannot turn it back on. Its just a bunch of static lines that will not go away and its very lonely. When people talk to me it feels like a ton of tiny serrated needles sneaking into my brain. It takes a longer for me to understand, like I have a delay, or glitch. I do not enjoy anything. Nothing. None of the things I love bring me joy. I would much rather lay in bed or on the couch all day and not have a single interaction. I can barely make myself take a shower. I have had two since Friday, and its sad that that is an accomplishment. Its Tuesday. I hate everything. I hate my life. I just want to be better for my daughter. This is hard, and I do not want it to be hard anymore. I WANT to smile. I WANT to enjoy a lunch break with my husband. I WANT to wake up happy. I WANT to enjoy being outside. I WANT to love life, but I do not. I have tried to make myself, and I cannot. Falsities only get you so far. I am consumed by this dark dreary cloud and I can only feel it getting worse. I do not know what to do anymore.",Depression +14201,It allows assisted suicide for people that only have mental illnesses (terminal illness is no longer required to apply) Canada passed the C-7 Bill,Suicidal +14202,i just hope they know it is not their fault when I am gone everything is getting worse again,Suicidal +14203,"I do not even know, what to do. Others seem to be doing stuff all the time. It seems as if there are no to-do for me. I cannot even figure out, what to do or how others know, what they should be doing. It all seems so senseless. I am not even interested in anything. I really do not know, how to continue. I could just stay where I am and sleep.Why do people do stuff? And how do they figure out, what to do? Such basic answers simply elude me. I do not do anything",Depression +14204,Whenever I get a depressive episode - I feel like there is a lead weight tied around my neck and head. It feels like I cannot physically get up or lift my head.Weird. cannot lift my head,Depression +14205,"Not looking for pity. Just want to get this out there. Also Ill probably end up deleting this eventually. Backstory: Queue the clich ultra successful father and I am just a dipshit fuckup story. I am his first born son. I have never lived up to his expectations, flunked out of college, and now I work in a call center and live with a roommate because I cannot afford to live on my own. You know, that old chestnut. My grandpa, who was a huge father figure in my life after my parents divorced, committed suicide a couple years ago. I developed a raging alcohol addiction which hung around even after I had mentally gotten over the initial shock. In spite of this, everything was actually going well. I lost 60 pounds on keto, was lifting and running 5 miles a day, but then covid hit and the gyms shut down. Then I fucked up by not getting back into exercising once they reopened. I started drinking myself into a stupor (and still do) every day and night. At work, they forced us to start taking regular old loyalty calls since were some of the most tenured agents. Yup, I have been getting yelled at professionally for the last 5 fucking years. I went from customer service, to tech, advanced tech, advanced internet tech, providing internal support to other agents, commercial support and sales for businesses, but now, this fucking loyalty shit is insane. I was getting through it, working with my boss to handle these calls better, but sweet Jesus, the loyalty department is just not my fucking jam and have always known that I never wanted to go there. I get that they must have looked at all their options and said well shit we have nobody else to take these calls so were going to have to make them do it, but at the same time, my job is so vastly different from what it was before and is now mostly handing a call type that I have avoided like the plague that it just fucking feels unfair. I get off work and just start slamming shots, chugging beer, and sitting outside smoking for an hour after work. Every. Fucking. Day. On days off, after I have had my caffeine and have woken up, I start drinking by 9-10 am. Shit, I am outside drinking and chain smoking as I write this. I was not even doing any of that before this loyalty bullshit. This job is literally slowly killing me. Problem is, I am making like $23 an hour and do not know where the fuck else I can go to make even close to that. I have 0 skills...I did not intend for this to be so long. So now to the present. My dog died 2 weeks ago and that just fucked up my whole world. I work from home and had him there to comfort me all day and now I just feel so alone. I was starting to feel somewhat normal and then a week and a half later my grandma passed away. And I just have to put a fucking smile on while people tell me to eat shit and die all day now. FUCK!Plus there is just the overarching feeling of doom and gloom with this covid bullshit. Like since its endemic, I guess were going to have constant lockdowns and vaccines shoved down our throats. Fucking awesome. I guess my best years are behind me. Hit with a bunch of shit all at once and just need to word vomit and get this off my chest.",Depression +14206,"I hope there is no afterlife or reincarnation after we are gone. Have you read r/glitchinthematrix stories about people remembering dying however they happened to die, and then they wake up in an alternate reality in bed with none of it having happened? Worst morning ever. Deity?",Suicidal +14207,"If I do not get my car paid off, $655.80 today, then it will get repossessed. By the time I have enough to pay everything, it will get charged off. Then I have no car and even worse credit. I have been laid off, underemployed, so many doctor bills, just everything. I have finally found a job that pays okay, but my first payday is Friday. It just has my training pay. I will not have a ""real"" check until 2 weeks later. I cannot make it to my job without a car. I have worked so hard to get this job. I cannot do without it. I could not live on my previous jobs, which is why I am in this position. I cannot do this anymore. When I am so close to finally being able to get my head above water... I have tried loans but I do not have the credit. I do not have friend or family that are in the position to help. I have already sold everything I have to pay rent. I do not have it. I just do not have the money. I have been thinking about death for so long that I am almost relieved that this is the end. Almost. I am scared. But I think when it is time to go to work tonight I am just going to drive and if I hit a wall or underpass or whatever then so be it. Death will be better than where I am now. I am in a bad financial position and with my depression it feels like the end for me",Depression +14208,I have been suffering for months with depression and bad anxiety. It seems never ending I live in the UK it is gorgeous weather here at the moment and I sit there everyone is having fun and I feel like crying its soul destroying. Everyday is exactly the same,Depression +14209,"I wish people would stop trying to help. Be able to accept someone does not want help. It sounds cheesy but it really is a its not you its me situation. Getting mad at me because you want to help but I do not want help is very counteractive I appreciate it. But I am not looking to get better. I am looking at making it till tomorrow. You interfering makes things worse. Having the responsibility of having to show you your help works will only push me deeper. I will not get better and you will get annoyed that I am just not listening to your help. I do not want to pull up my boots. I have accepted that they will remain loose. If you want to help, please stop trying. I do not want to help myself",Depression +14210,I do not want to think about what lives in my silence. Silence can be relly unbearable.,Depression +14211,"Has anyone here ever had experience with Revoc (or Luvox, fluvoxamine) in the treatment of depression? Fluvoxamine as a treatment.",Depression +14212,"When I was 13 or 14, I was bullied in our class. These bullies called me names and physically intimidate me. I had a melt down once in our house, my parents were confused. I told them everything its like for them, my problem was not a big deal at all. That was when I start to emotionally (not totally) shutdown my self to my family. I have never speak about my emotional problems to them ever. Now that I am 24, all that suppressed emotions bite me in my ass now. I do not know if I have depression, anxiety or panic attack, but I am sure i was suffering their symptoms. I do not know what to do anymore. Everything so blurry. I cannot focus to my job. I cannot enjoy the things that I used to enjoy. My sleeping condition is getting worst as the time passed by. I just feel like I am sinking in a quick sand. I just want some advice on how to cope with this condition. I cannot continue my life with this. I cannot speak this to anyone in my life. I am too afraid. I need help. Wanting to speak about my depression but also being afraid to speak about it.",Depression +14213,I am feelings really hopeless right now :/ does thing life thing get better..,Suicidal +14214,"For years now I have just been going through the motions of life waiting for something devastating to happen to set me over the edge. I am an empty husk of a person at this point and I do not see any way out. Maybe if I wait long enough my life will gain meaning, but I do not see that ever happening. I tried running from my problems but I found new ones. I feel so beaten down by life and I want to be free.there is a specific spot where I know I can crash my car without surviving and nobody else will get hurt. Whenever I drive by I am tempted but I tell myself that maybe tomorrow will be better, but it never is. I know I am going to kill myself, I just do not know when. And that is what scares me",Suicidal +14215,"I have had a lot of trouble transferring my anti-depressants from my old pharmacy to my new one in a new state. I started this process when i still had 3-4 days left of my medication (insurance will not cover a refill before then), and at this point I have been out for a week. Old symptoms are starting to come back. Intrusive thoughts are taking up a lot of my time today. I am tearing up at the drop of a dime. My productivity is slipping. I am easily overwhelmed. I do not have a new therapist out here yet either, which is making this harder. I cannot stand this, I had almost forgotten what this all felt like, its been almost months since these symptoms have affected me. I am worried I will start going through the really bad symptoms of withdrawal from being forced to cold-turkey stop my medications, and I feel like the pharmacists are sick of hearing from me, and I have stopped being polite to the hospital employees who have majorly fucked this up (for example, they sent my medication to a completely different pharmacy over an hour away from me 2 days ago for processing, simply because it was the same company as my old pharmacy, even though I put my new pharmacy's information in the system last week.) I am not ok, I needed to vent, I am trying my hardest to cope, but holy FUCK this sucks. I have been out of my medication for about a week now, and old symptoms are starting to come back.",Depression +14216,"I know that is the most common question asked by people lacking empathy (heavy? ""Try eating less,"" poor? ""Try working harder or spending less,"") and I wonder if I have not internalized it from decades of people being insensitive about or inconvenienced by my depression. Still, even I look at myself in these moments piled in bed or hiding in the bathroom struggling to even post on Reddit let alone do something useful and productive and think, ""Well why not fold laundry while you are feeling down? Just one piece at a time, Abacus. You may still be depressed but at least the laundry will be folded. And those little successes will make you feel better!""It sounds so reasonable when someone gives me that pep talk or I say it to myself but it is . . . not what happens. Like many people with depression and ADHD I have been branded as lazy and, honestly, I see myself that way. How do I know I am not? ""Who would not want to stay in bed all day playing games on their Nintendo?"" Or, as the people asking me this often pronounce it, 'N-tin-dough.'I am well into adulthood now so I do not actually hear that much anymore. People just write me off or get annoyed or, at best, pitying. I have been running in this same circle for so long. it is cost me so much. I really cannot complain about my life; I have gotten way more out of it than I put in. But it hurts. And I am so tired of it. I have been on antidepressants my entire adult life. Been in talk therapy off an on for that same span. Looks like I might try TMS next depending on what my doctor wants. I am a little worried about it but I would do virtually anything now to stop feeling this way and to be a more useful, dependable person for those around me. In the immortal words of Philip J. Fry, ""Why is those things?"" Why cannot I make like Nike and ""just do it""? If I know I am laying in bed, staring at my phone, ignoring my responsibilities because of depression, why cannot I just get up and go through the motions?",Depression +14217,"Hi, I am a 23 year old male. Husband and father to a son who just turned 3. I have had depression and anxiety for around 4 years now. I have had suicidal thoughts but never attempted. I am not clinically diagnosed and I have not had any therapy.I was watching my son fall asleep tonight. I was holding his hand as her mother cuddled him to sleep. And then I thought to myself, ""If I did take my own life before, how would I have held this child's hand? How can I watch him grow? How can I love his silly, aptly childish acts that I have grown so fond of if I took my life before this moment?""It made me happy for a bit that I did not take my life but then I was confronted with another reality. ""Is it okay for a child as precious as this to have such a broken father like myself? Or would it be better if I was gone, out of his life, or out of breath?""Thousands of thoughts rained down on the little moment of happiness that I had. Maybe if he can see me and the effects of depression as he grows, I can show him how not to fall like me. Or maybe if I took my life, he will have the motivation to lead a better life, free of depression.I know I am not a good father. I can only provide his physical needs and not those that he wants. I could not even buy anything for myself. I have an average paying day job with lots of pressures that at times, build up so much that it explodes to the two of them unexpectedly.I cannot afford therapy. I wish I could. And I wish I had real friends that I could talk to. Not those who only know me when they need something. Maybe I should not have had a child knowing my condition.And now I lie awake in the bed, thinking if I ever fell asleep, will I wake up to his smile again, or would I fall into slumber and take all the negativity away. Parenting Dilemma",Depression +14218,"Well. I am a teenager, I am trans (MTF) and my girlfriend of around 6 months broke up with me 2 days ago. I do not want to be someone who killed themselves over a relationship that did not work out because I know that people grow apart. But it was so unexpected and although there is a chance we might end up back together I am so fucking pathetic that I cannot handle the wait. I do not want to give myself false hope over getting back together either.And about being trans, I have came out to both my parents and although they are supportive I still fucking hate everything. Why could not I have just been born cis, why do I have to wait for therapy and then wait for my therapist to write a letter just to get on blockers or E? Why cannot I just be believed and allowed to transition? Why is it so fucking hard for me to talk to my parents about anything trans related?In the end I just want the suffering to stop. My ex was my world (as cliche as it sounds, I hate talking like this because it sounds so edgy) but seriously. She was the reason I stopped cutting. She was the reason I stopped disordered eating habits. I know it just happened and I can get over it eventually but I thought our relationship would never end.At this point I just want to die. I wish I could go for a method that is relatively painless but I do not have the materials for it. So Ill either wait till this all sorts itself out, or Ill get even worse and drive myself to suicide. I feel so pathetic.",Suicidal +14219,"I have lost all my friends since leaving the mental hospital, I thought i was better when i left but all my friends are now so distant and no matter how hard i try to reach out to them and build back our relationships they do not seem to want to. I still hangout with them because my twin sister is also part of our friend group and really only invite me because she is going. I do not have anyone to talk to anymore and my parents just do not understand, they try but end up making me feel worse, its not their fault though. I think my fight is finally coming to an end, I have lost this six year war with myself. my fight is almost over",Suicidal +14220,"I have been friendless for many years now. I cannot attempt a conversation in person or online without being met with hostility. Everyone is so nasty and mean anymore, so what is the point? what is the point in trying to suffer day to day in dealing with these people? Like I asked a question on another sub and it got removed from the mods who told me to read the rules because my answer was in there. Their rules were several pages long. I replied and said I do not have time to read all that and was only looking for a quick answer. And the mod said ""Well I have no time to spoonfeed you information"" I want to kill myself because everyone is so fucking mean and I cannot handle it anymore. My intentions are always good and I cannot understand why people are always so fucking rude. there is no point in living because it is all just fucking pain and anger. Life is just getting worse because people are more mean",Depression +14221,"man my family always been fighting.I almost get into accident that can because death about 2 time and no one give a fuck.I get rejected by my crush and get mock by the whole school.I get bulied when until I get bleeding and I try to fight back but teacher blame me because the bully kid was the principal kid.I do not know man sometime when I tell my friend about my problem they will reply with ""such a drama queen"",""its your false tho"",""who cares"" even worse they will ignore me.You know covid is making it worse I cannot see my friend,I cannot learn normally and burning up my teenage time.I sick,tired and sad.I do not good at learning either sport so how my future.My toxic aunt always says ""just look at your father"",""such a shame to have you in our family"".so I end up with clueless solution.What should I do to get rid of this feeling.I do not know how t describe but it pain deep inside my heart.Every night I will cry out of sudden.Why just why its me.At this point I just do not see what to do.Drugs?Suicide?Working? After 2 year I will finish the school and go to University or College.other than that, I also having many acne I feel shame and afraid to meet people I do not know man why just why.I mean why I got this feeling since kid.How to get rid this feeling,acne and even this sadness how? Sometimes it just make me afraid to staying alive for no reason at all. I,m sorry if this is wasting your time or making you feels hate on me I do not know what to do man",Depression +14222,I cannot accept realityI'm a huge failure I want to give up,Suicidal +14223,Ndad wants me to ruin my future so that he can retire. I have been bearing this since i was 15. I just cannot anymore. I just want to die as soon as possible. I Just want to die. I cannot bear it anymore.,Suicidal +14224,"Hi Ok so I know it might not work for everyone, but when intrusive thoughts kick in these subreddits really help me stop them. If one person smiles. Its worth it! XxR/catsR/thisismylifemeowR/catsareassholes A little something that helps me",Depression +14225,"8 months ago I was diagnosed with burnout/depression and anxiety. For 4 months I tried doing sports and took St-John's Wort. In march I tried Lexapro for 3 months which helped me but made me extremly sleepy, no motivation, sexual side effects etc.. Then 3 weeks on effexor which were hell. I now started Trintellix for a month and only see slight improvements. In total I have been depressed for 8 months and I am afraid I will never fully recover..I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist too. (I also had a breakup 1 month ago..) Can you give me your advice please ? Everyday passes I am loosing hope.. I am afraid to stay depressed for life ! Please help",Depression +14226,Made me extremely sensitive with a troubled family God must really like me,Suicidal +14227,I have a classmate who had serious depression she is better now and i find it annoying to see half the girls in my class acting fucking depressed for compliments and attention when its a actual problem people face people were not taking her seriously because of this so please if you know anyone who does this tell them to stop Sonething i need to adress,Depression +14228,You cannot do what makes you happy. You have to do what pays the bills. Its hard for me to do something I hate every day because the thoughts of this is what life really is and you will suffer until the day you die start creeping in almost immediately. I suffered through shit I hated for five years daily and now I am learning that is just the way life is. I applaud every person who ends it. I wish I was you. This country makes being poor a death sentence.,Suicidal +14229,When people are just sick of your depression and suicidalness and leave/ghost you. It hurts like hell. Or even worse i do not have words When,Depression +14230,"the suicidal thoughts are back. I feel like this is only getting worse. I tried having hope. tried therapy, three of them did not help. the fourth tried but made me feel worse. my ed just gets worse, my ocd too. I probably have bpd too. I have just gotten to a point where I believe living just is not for everyone, and happiness does not exist, atleast not for me. I am being there for my boyfriend but I am doing a shitty job at it. my parents are struggling financially and I am just worrying them and making them waste their money on me and therapy. this time, I am going to do things differently. I am going to jump so there is no backing out. I am not telling anyone so they cannot stop me or even try. I have written two out of three letters already. I do not know what to tell my boyfriend. I really do not want him to end it too because of me. I do not know how to make sure he will try to get better or atleast be strong and stay. I have planned my outfit and I know I am going to spend my last days with people so they have happy memories. I am going to bake a cake too for them. my last cake because ik that is one thing they would remember me by. I am not strong enough for this everything that is happened in my life has broken me to a point where I am just unfixable. I am sorry but this, it is happening. the thoughts are back",Suicidal +14231,"Because I get no joy out of it anymore. And I get no joy out of life anymore. It is all too much of a struggle. I have told some stories and contributed some things and they will probably even last a little while into the future. Soon my work will be done, and I will be able to say goodbye. I am an artist with some recognition and my work continues to make money. I think in a year I will kill myself and just leave my work for everyone to remember me",Suicidal +14232,"Because I get no joy out of it anymore. And I get no joy out of life anymore. It is all too much of a struggle. I have told some stories and contributed some things and they will probably even last a little while into the future. Soon my work will be done, and I will be able to say goodbye. I am an artist with some recognition and my work continues to make money. I think in a year I will Jill myself and just leave my work for everyone to remember me",Suicidal +14233,"I have never felt like my parents loved each other. and staying together just for me made me realize once again that i am actually a burden. despite my mom's efforts to tell me that I am not a burden and that i was wanted and I am her 'miracle', I have always felt like a burden. when i was a child i could not put my finger on what made me feel that way but now i can. all their fights were about money. we stayed in an one-room apartment and there were, some nights, cockroaches crawling around and giving me nightmares. me and my mom slept in a bed, while dad slept on the couch. he snored so loudly. i felt a cockroach on my forehead one night.one day, i had to go to school with my neighbors (my girl friend who was a year younger than me and her mom) and we were waiting for my mom. we were in front of my door and we could hear my mom yelling at my dad. i entered the apartment and told my mom we were waiting for her; she thought we were gone by then. i got out of the apartment after she told me she was going to come, and i could hear her yelling again. i was so embarrased and scared. my mom broke a mirror with her fist and there was blood on the floor when she got out. my dad came after her just to hit her in the head. i think i had my first panic attack then but i do not remember. me, my friend and her mom left and i wanted actually to go to school so i could forget. so i could get away from them. i cannot remember, but i think my dad was the one who told me not to go to school that day. so my mom took me to her friend's house where she complained about what happened.that is not all. there were fights almost every week. all about money.we moved in another apartment. 2 rooms this time. and you think i should have been happy right? i was not. i still slept with my mom because she wanted to. i slept in the same bed with her until recently (I am almost 20). she told me i was going to thank her later. shit. now i have my own room and I am not happy. i guess all these years of being miserable made me immune to happiness. when i was 12 i started self-harm. i was cutting my wrists. she found out and she was angry about that. she yelled at me. my sister died in a car accident (and because of my mom's mom but I will talk about this later). that is why I am my parents 'miracle'. though, my father keeps joking about how he did not want me actually. 'a miracle indeed', means i was unexpected. when i was 10, he bought me some trousers. they were big-sized. the cashier told him i do not need such a big size. yes, i was somehow overweight. like, 5 or maybe 10 kilograms more than i should have had. i liked food, i still do. like, tasting food is the only thing that makes me feel good. anyway, he bought the trousers anyway after telling the cashier ""she is fat."". we got home and guess what. the stupid trousers were indeed very big for me. and when i told him that he raised his voice telling me 'you are fat, understand that already!!!!'. i think this fucked my self-esteem so hard. i have social anxiety and i cannot go outside. I am afraid, i hope the next university year will be online again. he hit me from times to times. he told me once to buy something from a specific shop and i bought from another because i forgot. he hit my leg. he hit me many times when he found out i started smoking ciggs. (16 years old) and my mom allowed it because she was the one finding me smoking and thought they were right. my dad said something like ""she will become a whore eventually""...... just because i smoked... like almost every teenager.. i remembered this part of my childhood because they are fighting now.. they kept yelling at each other 'go to hell' and swear words that i cannot translate to english. they are so uneducated and my mom is obsessed with church. she told me that a priest think we will have a war on august. she keeps telling me that people are stupid and do not know what is coming. i just feel like if i had other parents and a decent life i would have been somebody by now, you know? maybe i would have had a summer job (i had 3 and they fucked my self esteem even more) maybe i would have had a boyfriend, a group of friends. i do not understand how girls can undress in front if someone.. i cannot even imagine. I am so embarrased with myself. i am a virgin and i feel like a failure. who would want such an unexperienced girlfriend? no one loves me and i love nobody. sometimes i make myself think that i love someone, that i care about someone but that is my imagination. ""being poor is not embarrasing"" my mom tells me. no, but i am still embarrased with how things did not work for me just because you are who you are. if you read all this shit, thanks. i have no one that i can go to. writing a part of my childhood trauma. long shit. i know you are not going to read. I will pretend this is my diary.",Suicidal +14234,"I did not realise it was becoming a problem until now. This has been going on ever since I am 13, I guess, now I am 20. I do not remember having passed a single week without masturbating. I think the longest period I have been without doing it has been 2 days, and that is because I was sick and was not feeling like it.But now I realise how far I have become with my habit. When I was young, I was turned out by the ""normal"" kind of porn, and that is understandable, since I was just discovering porn. And today, that kind of porn just seems boring to me. My addiction for more intense levels of pleasure has led me to look for extremely graphic porn that I am very ashamed of. I have developed fetishes I wish I never had.It has become a problem because no matter what I am doing, if I am watching a TV series, eating, exercising, the temptation of wanting to jerk off just comes suddenly and it is so hard not to give in. I do it even if I do not need it. I need some sort of technique to make those thoughts go away and let me live my life in peace, or at least that I enjoy watching ""normal"" porn again because I have seriously become a damn sexually ill pervert. I really need to stop masturbating",Depression +14235,"Hi- I am wondering something. Recently my bf of over 1 1/2 years broke up with me telling me that he just feels different right now but not about us or about the relationship. It is about him. This was completely out of the blue, as in the day before I am the love of his life, etc all of that. He says he still feels all of that and never fell out of love. But that he has some issues or problems he is trying to solve and he is having a hard time doing that so he is having a hard time doing the romantic part right now and getting rid if the problem . But being friends with him during this is helping more than I can imagine . He said he tried for a few weeks to do both and he cannot, and the problem affects everything in his life. He. has no idea how to solve, or how it is going to go, or how long it is going to takeHe will not tell me what the 'issue' is, but said it is something I cannot fix. He has told nobody else. For a few different reasons, I feel that there is an emotional and mental issue behind this. Maybe he never told meCan you tell me if it is normal to hide depression type of things from those you love? He has said it would not be good for our relationship or fair to me (if he did this bf/gf thing) during this crisis. Can any of you explain why?Can anyone explain the logic of sticking me in a friend box during this? I do not understand this at all. We talk alot (though the content is more basic I notice) and though we see each other less, we are affectionate like hugging. What is the point of removing the relationhip piece.I do not know whether slowing my contact down with him will help him or make him think I do not care. I really do . I do not plan to go anywhere, but am I doing the right thing? I am taking care of myself; I am not that great at all but getting through day to day. I did not unload on him how upset I really am. Last I keep reading how depression changes people. I am worried he will come out of whatever is going on and just not want the relationship again. Thanks for the information. Depressed and ending relationship- looking for some answers and experiences",Depression +14236,"At the end of every day I try look back to see what I achieved that day. I do not have a job, I am completely broke. I do not have any friends anymore. At the end of most days I have done nothing, made no memories. Even when I get a few things done on learn a thing or two I still feel worthless. Nothing I do matters. I will always end up putting effort into unproductive things. I suffer excruciating loneliness, severe lack of self esteem. I feel like I have completely missed out on everything. Honestly wish I would somehow just not exist anymore. I hate how I am living",Depression +14237,I have a lot to say and I understand not everyone has time I am just looking for some help I am tired of being lied to struggling to deal with society as someone who suffers from HFA,Suicidal +14238,"For the billionth time, it feels like, I am getting ghosted by a girl I was seeing. This one hurts a lot. This is the 2nd longest continuous hook-up I had with someone and the most 2nd most dates. She seems to have lost interest in talking to me or hanging out. I am not certain what will happen with this but it does not really matter. I do not think I live for myself. I do not enjoy most aspects of my life and if I could end my life and reboot or wipe myself from existence and my family and friends would forget about me I would. I would do it without hesitation. I do not want to keep on living. I do not think I will ever be happy and it seems like all I might settle for one day is just not being miserable. I hate my therapist. Not because she is mean or anything, but nothing she says ever makes me feel better. The skills coaching she always makes me practice does not work. It feels very dismissive. I do not get any relief from my anxiety or anything like that. I only do not kill myself because my friends would be sad or because of my parents. I am beginning to resent them for loving me and wanting me alive. I see them succeeding and moving forward with their lives and I just feel like everything I do is a chore and is so painful. All the happiness I experience is temporary. I know how I would kill myself. If I have 3 different things going to kill me with high rates of success then there is virtually no way I would survive. I just wish I could be anyone else. That I could brush off heartbreak. That I did not get attached, or that my luck was good enough that I did not have to worry about these things. But I cannot fix any of these things. I cannot change who I am and erase all this bad luck and pain. So I should just kill myself. I am not living for myself anymore",Suicidal +14239,"I feel like human garbage. I believe everything hateful anyone has ever said about abusers right now. I am thinking about ending my life at the end of the week.I have been in this for a while. I have dealt with the ebbs and flows, but this one feels different. I abused my daughter over a decade ago. Through my arrest, incarceration, therapy, 12 steps, and a fuck ton of self reflection I thought I was something different. I thought maybe I was not the things I had done. Maybe I could be someone new. I had re-dedicated my life to trying to make things right in the world.I thought, my daughter and I have grown much closer through this time. I have acknowledged the pain I caused, and tried to make amends in the best ways I can. I thought we had several good conversations. However, after what I thought was a very good conversation, I got a glimpse of her private SC story yesterday. ""Being vulnerable with your abuser sucks. Suck my dick MFr. I literally fucking hate you.""She does not know I saw it, I am not sure if I should even bother saying anything or if saying something is just manipulative, because it was not meant for me to see.I am fucking lost. I feel like this is all for naught. If I cannot recover the relationships that mean the most to me, why even be here, why go through this. Clearly, everyone is just going to hurt anyways. Everyone would be better off, just being able to move past me and forget. The world may truly be a better place if I just leave it this weekend. TW",Depression +14240,I am a pervert Should you kill yourself if you are a pervert?,Suicidal +14241,"I have been crying all day today. Usually I keep my emotions and tears hidden since I live with my family. Today I was completely alone and started crying non stop, I was thinking of my life and I just started laughing and I could not stop. I was laughing and crying at the same time. This never happened before. Uncontrollable laughter after crying?",Depression +14242,"Too much is going wrong and I do not know how much more I can take. I am at work and I just want to go cry in the bathroom because I cannot stop thinking about how am I going to solve these issues. For starters, I just discovered we have bed bugs and I am trying to figure out when I will have time to stop this infestation and being eaten alive at night. I work ten hour shifts usually six days a week and that uses up all of my mental energy for the day. My bank credit card effed up my autopay and charged the wrong card, one I do not use anymore, despite me putting in the new info multiple times and choosing it as my payment method so my payments and APR went through the roof after multiple return payments, late fees, and overdrafts from that bank card. I tried to bandage this situation by doing a balance transfer to another card but for some reason the transfer went through twice which doubled the balance. Both companies are basically telling me the balance transfer transaction is closed so there is nothing I can do...My boyfriend said I was lazy this morning and that really hurt... I know I am not the neatest, I really want to clean and have a neat apartment, but I just can never find the motivation to get up and start cleaning. I just want to be off my aching feet when I get home from work and enjoy what little time I have forgetting the world on my PC til it is time to go to sleep and do it all over again..Our dryer went out and so laundry is piling up. we have only had this dryer for like two months. it is still under warranty and they looked at it over a week ago and said they had to order a part. It should have come by now. Every time we try to call the repair guy he has a full mailbox. I have neither the time, money, nor emotional energy to lug this shit to the laundromat. I am tired of working so much and still being broke. I do not really mind work overall, but it just sucks to work so much and still have no money left over. I am doing my best not to cry as I type this at work so I do not look like a fool in front of my coworkers.. I am sorry. It just feels so overwhelming today... I do not know what to do... I feel so overwhelmed today...",Depression +14243,"I will jump from listening to music, playing Xbox, watching YouTube, going on a walk, wanking to try and find some enjoyment/relief but it never happens.Constantly feel like shit and want to be dead I spend my whole day jumping from one activity to the next to try and get relief but I never get any",Depression +14244,Does it get better? Of course it does not. Over a decade of feeling exhausted over absolutely nothing.,Depression +14245,I have overdosed on zanaflex. I have taken around 70mg so far. Possible might add overdose of seroquel to that. Has anyone ever done these drugs before? Overdose help,Suicidal +14246,"I am a monsterToday I just realized how much of a monster I have become. My vacuum cleaner went bust and my BF and I were looking at options. I was torn between 2 models. I wanted the more expensive one because it had all the functions I every wanted but not needed. The cheaper one was just what we always had. We got the cheaper one, and I was really disappointed. Of course I helped paid for it.We then discussed household improvements. Replacing broken aircon units, installing ceiling fans to reduce aircon use. Replacing a deteriorating refrigerator. Many other little things and big things. All, in my mind, pretty important stuff. Some necessary, some quality of life changes. But We cannot afford it.I am crushed. Despite saving for several years, I do not even have enough for my meds. I have been getting bare minimum wage for a job I have worked 7 years for with no raise in sight. People in my position usually get at least 70% more than what I am earning, but here I am, earning less than a fresh graduate joining their first job. despite more experience, despite more responsibilities.I asked if our parents would help even a little. Maybe help us get a good contractor they trust, maybe a little financial help. I got shot down. Specially by my own family.that is when it hit me. I have become an entitled monster. I want things, and I wanted people to pay for it and give it to me like I deserved it. I wanted to demand a pay raise even though I probably do not deserve it. I keep wanting more than what I can afford, spending above my means, expect people to do it for me just so I can be happy. I have turned into a monster. Like all those entitled Karen out there that think the world owes them. I am now one of them, I was probably always one of them.No wonder my mother called me an entitled spoilt brat that is useless. That I am a waste of space and should not have been born. No wonder that old boss screamed at that its all my fault, that I am useless and always wrong. They both say I will never be entitled to anything. I will always be the scum of the earth. I am disgusting, a disappointment, a monster. And they knew it. And now I know it.I am pampered and spoilt for wanting people to help pay for what I want. I do not deserve a pay raise because I am not good enough and will never be good enough no matter how hard or how much I try and do. They know I am a monster, and monsters do not deserve anything. I am useless, hopeless, waste of space and everything is always my fault.I do not want to live anymore. Everyone will be happier without me. And there will be one less monster in the world.I am going to OD myself with every single med I have when everyone goes out.You will not have to deal with a monster anymore. They were right all along.Good bye. I am a monster, and I need to die",Suicidal +14247,Everything feels like so much effort. I hate myself. Everything would be better if I was dead I want to die,Suicidal +14248,"i do not want to be alivr anymore, i do not think i can take this any longer, i am the problem and this feeling. i hate everytying that is happening especially me breathng. i do not want to be alive but i do not thibk i can kill myself. i do not want this feeling and idk how do i stop it, i am tired",Depression +14249,"I finally understood what I lack in life, and what I tried to get for all my life - sense of communtiy, and also love. Never had those, and my life is really empty.I do not want to go further alone. It gives me nothing but pain. So, jsut finishing last stuff, experiencing last drops of warm sun rays later this August, and I will happily and calmly kill myself. WIthout drama, without rush. I will be ok then. I do not want to go further alone. I will never have community or love, tho things which are badly missing in my life, so I will end it by Fall.",Suicidal +14250,"Hey everyone. I am currently 21 and was diagnosed with GAD and PTSD about 2 years ago. that is just from my therapist after about 2 months of sessions. I am never really able to open up to people, especially those with some type of authority or the people you are supposed to trust. I never mentioned all of my trauma because I feel like I am not really ready to deal with it. The important people I opened up to refuse believe me and think I am lying or exaggerating. I am not a liar though, my abuser lied to my parents about me and they believed him because he was the adult in charge (he was a coach). Even to this day they see how much has come out about him and they refuse to believe anything serious happened (I think its their own guilt so I get it but still). Nobody took the time to actually see me and try to help before I became an adult. I have a lot of depression, anxiety, social anxiety, PTSD. I do not really know if there is more but there is this feeling that there is just because its hard to open up about pain, trauma, or even when a doctor asks questions like have you been feeling down or anxious. I have no idea how to answer that other than not much more than normal.Is there any way I can get a gauge on my feelings or being able to more accurately describe my feelings for a realistic picture on my mental health. Not knowing about my mental health sucks, especially when its hard to pen up to the people you are supposed to.",Depression +14251,I am homeless atm. I have lost my family. We do not speak anymore. I have lost all my friends and I am sitting here. Unemployed and alone on this couch. I do not even know what to do I have never felt so alone..,Suicidal +14252,"Today I just realized how much of a monster I have become. My vacuum cleaner went bust and my BF and I were looking at options. I was torn between 2 models. I wanted the more expensive one because it had all the functions I every wanted but not needed. The cheaper one was just what we always had. We got the cheaper one, and I was really disappointed. Of course I helped paid for it.We then discussed household improvements. Replacing broken aircon units, installing ceiling fans to reduce aircon use. Replacing a deteriorating refrigerator. Many other little things and big things. All, in my mind, pretty important stuff. Some necessary, some quality of life changes. But We cannot afford it.I am crushed. Despite saving for several years, I do not even have enough for my meds. I have been getting bare minimum wage for a job I have worked 7 years for with no raise in sight. People in my position usually get at least 70% more than what I am earning, but here I am, earning less than a fresh graduate joining their first job. despite more experience, despite more responsibilities.I asked if our parents would help even a little. Maybe help us get a good contractor they trust, maybe a little financial help. I got shot down. Specially by my own family.that is when it hit me. I have become an entitled monster. I want things, and I wanted people to pay for it and give it to me like I deserved it. I wanted to demand a pay raise even though I probably do not deserve it. I keep wanting more than what I can afford, spending above my means, expect people to do it for me just so I can be happy. I have turned into a monster. Like all those entitled Karen out there that think the world owes them. I am now one of them, I was probably always one of them.No wonder my mother called me an entitled spoilt brat that is useless. That I am a waste of space and should not have been born. No wonder that old boss screamed at that its all my fault, that I am useless and always wrong. They both say I will never be entitled to anything. I will always be the scum of the earth. I am disgusting, a disappointment, a monster. And they knew it. And now I know it.I am pampered and spoilt for wanting people to help pay for what I want. I do not deserve a pay raise because I am not good enough and will never be good enough no matter how hard or how much I try and do. They know I am a monster, and monsters do not deserve anything. I am useless, hopeless, waste of space and everything is always my fault.I do not want to live anymore. Everyone will be happier without me. And there will be one less monster in the world.I am going to OD myself with every single med I have when everyone goes out.You will not have to deal with a monster anymore. They were right all along.Good bye. I am a monster",Depression +14253,I am scared to go pick it up.and I did not buy ammunition for it but. I think it will make me feel safe and warm inside like if everything really gets bad I can just die as soon as I want to but it also ironically makes it more likely that Ill stay alive Bc I know exactly what I am facing when I have ideation that affects my day to day life and honestly its kind of scary and not a very palatable option and having it in my face will help me not act like I want to die cuz I know what dying would entail? I bought a gun,Suicidal +14254,"Women are nothing but animals with the instinct to breed. Society is evil and ape-like masked as a utopia. We preach, walk, believe and love like we are civilized when we are all actually nothing but ruthless, barbaric, sadistic monkeys obeying our primitive instincts. we are killing off all the disabled, ugly and ill genes mercilessly with zero compassion or empathy. The world need to put down their mask and accept themselves for the absolute monsters they are but truth is people are too scared to face that demon. I say just let the whole world burn to a fucking crisp with everyone still on it. Let the world burn...",Depression +14255,"I just want to thank the people who shared their experiences here and I realized that I am not alone... Even if I did not share my experiences... The experiences they shared showed me that there are people that are experiencing much worse situation than me. I want to be there for them just like this subreddit was here for me. I cannot believe that I will say this.. but ""Reddit cured my depression."" Thank you all and hope you all recover :D I recovered",Depression +14256,"Hey you all. I read through this subreddit all the time looking for motivation? Or hope? Or I am not sure, but I cannot keep waking up everyday feeling like this. Not for 5 more hours and surely not for 50 more years. I currently work two jobs, one full time one part time I average 60-72 hours a week. I am 21 and burnt the fuck out. So this is where the cycle begins, let me take you through my thought process. I work two jobs so I can be closer to financial stability yea? So I can have the funds to save money AND afford my basic living needs as well as recreational wants (usually weed and concerts. Not too many clothes or fast food etc.) I just do not feel like this is a way to live.I am tired, my mental health is collapsing. I have no hobbies, because I do not stick with anything I start. Usually that is because I realize ""hey, there is no way to make money doing X"". Which means leaving a job to pursue a passion might be me shooting myself in the foot when hours drop at my main job (they usually drop for everyone in Q1, but that is 3 months that I would only be averaging 24-30 hours instead of 40 and that is a lot of money to someone living paycheck to paycheck). Why am I so worried about money? Because we live in a world where if you do not know what $60,000 piece of paper you want to go for at the age of 18 then you are already at a disadvantage. I am trying to find a healthy balance of realism and optimism, but whenever I go to older people for advice they just say ""you are young. This is the world, your eyes will open to more and you might not like what you see"".When I was 19 I worked 72 hours a week 5 days a week, and the other 2 days I was enrolled in community college for 18 credit hours. I had no days off. My days off I had school work. That only lasted a few months before my grades collapsed and I ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of WANTING to feel good about myself, actually starting to feel good, then life happens and I am worried about money. In the past 7 months I have switched medications and psychiatrists twice, been diagnosed with an STD, gotten fired because a job did not realize they hired me at 20 instead of 21, had my motorcycle stolen, lost my AC in my car, my apartment flooded last week and I had to have fans in my apartment for a full week which was annoying as I work 16 hour days, and at the end of a long day I would barely be able to sleep in my loud freezing cold apartment. I try not to downplay my truth, even if it is not as painful or awful as others because this is the life I have to live. I cannot compare my suffering to others to make myself feel better. And I know I do not have to live on my own, going home would save money but at this point my mental health is so shit that I feel like my independence is all I have. Take away my apartment and my car, I have nothing to work for. Nothing to live for. Yes I have loving friends and family but what is the point in being alive if it is for everyone and everything BUT me. What is wrong with me? At this point I am not even sure if it is an actual chemical imbalance, or if I am just waking up to the fact that this is real life, most humans cannot move up the ladder, and if I cannot ""control my reaction"" properly I will not enjoy my next 50 years on this planet. I am so tired of feeling like my shitty mental health is so profitable, that I am not meant to feel good in this life. My boyfriend and bestfriend are so worried because they do not think they can provide the help I need. I have been to psychiatric wards and our mental healthcare in America is a fucking joke. I wish crying in my car was an Olympic sport because I breakdown every other fucking week. I just cannot keep feeling like this. With all these overwhelming thoughts of the future, and not being able to forgive myself for the past.Not for 5 more hours. And surely not for 50 more years. stuck in a neverending loop of feeling inadequate because that is how I am/we are ""meant"" to feel 21f",Suicidal +14257,"""You will not let me die? Then I will make sure I will be difficult as hell to live with."" On some days, my mindset is this:",Suicidal +14258,"Urgh, I am so tired! Who else has grandparents who constantly make you feel like shit? I have not been eating that much in the past few weeks, because they are always in the kitchen, full of comments about how much I eat. Like, whenever I see them, they will say something like, ""Oh, are you hungry?You should eat. You barely eat!"" And proceed to list seventeen hundred things I could eat. I am trying my best! Eating is hard for me, and they are not helping. Part of me understands that they are saying it because of concern, but I hate it. Because of that, I have grown kind of insecure about eating around people. I only feel completely comfortable when I am eating alone. And when I am with friends, I often skip meals, because I am afraid that I will eat more than them and they are going to notice and say something about it. Eating",Depression +14259,"Every once in a while i have a day or two where i start to feel physically sick because of life. it is like a faint and murky nauseous feeling. Like how seeing a corpse, even with no blood or anything, can trigger a sickening feeling in your gut. Some days, life literally makes me sick. I know the truth. That none of this matters, and even if it did, i still would not care. In the end, life is what i make it, or un-make it. I am trying to hold on, only because other's say so. But after awhile other's will not matter. A resolution will. The very air of life is beginning to make me sick, almost literally.",Depression +14260,"Yo, I kind of just found out my little sister is harming herself and I am kind of unsure of what to do and how to help, I have suffered from severe depression before but stopped myself from self-harming so I just do not know what to do Family",Depression +14261,hey I am like extremely depressed and everytime i try to talk to someone about it they just give up on me or ignore me or joke about it and yea hey,Depression +14262,"I am tired of having no friends.I am tired of the toxic, abusive home I am trapped in.I am tired of my job.I am tired of my health issues.I am tired if every day just being the same numb, repetitive bullshit that never seems to end.I wish I could find the courage to die. I am too far gone to save from this hell on earth. I am tired of everything",Suicidal +14263,"I am not necessarily scared but I am lost I am 30 working in a job industry that I feel like I can make a living in but because of covid it is just so tough houses are God awful expensive I am in debt up to my eyeballs, not necessarily including the fact that I feel like I am in a relationship just to live and survive and cannot say that for the fear of everything changing more and me being homeless.. 30 year's old and not sure what to do for my next 30 years...",Depression +14264,"I just feel so trapped. So trapped.I try so hard, I really do. Whenever I get a new full time job I am very eager, I work hard. But as the weeks go by, I can feel everything falling apart. I stop exercising, I stop eating well, I am tired all the time.I feel like I expend more energy than normal people. An 8 hour work day completely floors me, even in a non-toxic work environment. I come home feeling spent. I do not have the energy to work on myself. I do not have the energy to run my errands, or manage my house, or keep my appointments. I forget important tasks all the time.Working part time I usually feel better, energy and health wise. But, then I cannot afford to improve myself. I cannot afford the gym, or healthy food, or a nice quiet apartment, or my hobbies. So then I get depressed anyway.I am really scared. I am scared things will not get better. I am scared I will never be able to live a normal, comfortable life. I am scared I will never have the energy or money for my hobbies, or for my loved ones. It makes me want to give up now, before I suffer even more whenever I work full time, I get horribly depressed. But I fear I will never be able to live a comfortable life working part time. I feel like I was born to fail.",Depression +14265,to calm down. To go to the hospital. To call emergency/non-emergencyNever there when you really do them. I just want out of here Sick of being told...,Suicidal +14266,"No matter how much I smile, or tell myself that I am doing better - some days I just cannot do it. And then I feel like I regress back to my old self. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a man whose smile is copied from the happier people around him. All I see are sad eyes. I cannot bear to look at myself for more than 2 or 3 seconds at a time. I am just so tired. I wish I could have died a quick death. I never asked to be here. And now that I am here, I am too scared to do anything. What do you see when you look in the mirror?",Depression +14267,"I hate myself as even after finally not self-harming for a few years I still have the embarrassing scares that I am ashamed to even show. So even now I have to suffer from it... There is currently a heatwave in the UK, and because of my stupidity, I cannot wear any sort of short sleeves as my arms are covered in old self-harm scars.",Depression +14268,I have a fear of going crazy. I had a huge panic attack when I was about to kill myself last year and everything felt unreal and I felt crazy. I hate that feeling.For some reason I am now reading triggering stories about suicide and people going crazy due to how low they are. I do not know why. I cannot stop crying and my head hurts. I am so scared. Triggering myself.,Depression +14269,"I hate it, I hate this. I really fucking do. it is so pointless. there is so many things to change but so little money I have. I fucking hate this country, I want to move out. They made being homeless fucking illegal so it does not ruin the picture perfect portrait we apparently have. But then a one bedroom condo is over a million dollars. A regular apartment flat with no special amenities whatsoever (basically the basic basic house) is easily over half a million. You need to be married if not you cannot own a house until you are fucking 35. And also they made gay marriage illegal lolI hate my face and body. I also have a clothes shopping addiction. How am I ever going to save a 5-figure to get plastic surgery. I also want to ride a motorbike, costs money. Moving out, costs money.I am also still a student so I have to live in a way I fucking detest for at least another year. I am already 20, I wasted a quarter of my life and I would not be surprised if all of it is wasted and it is why I just want to kill myself. I do not think I will even have enough money to get all the things I want and need. I hate living.",Depression +14270,"I have been working hard for the last year to better understand my anxiety and depression, to try and gain control, and recognize my warning signs. I have 1-2 major suicidal idealization crises a month that are getting progressively worse and that I am trying to control. I am medicated and do talk therapy. I feel that deep gloom building inside me this morning. I have felt the build for a couple days but now I feel like the dark seed of a manic breakdown is set. Stress makes it worse but its there now. I do not feel comfortable reaching out to my counselor and Id prefer not to burden a friend with all this. Does anyone have suggestions of how to relieve it. I do not know what to do or try and remedy this. Doing the things like have a cup of tea or go for a walk do not usually work. What coping strategies do you use?",Depression +14271,"I am unemployed for several months and was working in a fairly huge company had people who respected me and had a huge name in my company and good amounts of contacts and then I got a new manager who was very hard to deal with that person literally changed every person who I was connected with first they all started ignoring me(even people who I helped gettjng salaries raised,helped them with their work taught them different things) and I could not bear any of that so I went to my superior with request to change dept because of this manager's behaviour but this guy told me ""work if you want to work or get out"" then I adjusted with these people for months then all of a sudden I got a call from HR saying you have complain against you from your manager which was so false and it was clearly framed against me (my manager went ahead and manipulated my previous works to prove their point) I was blamed for things that I did not even do then I brought my evidence and proved it all wrong and then later that month I get another call from HR saying come and sign your resignation your contract is terminated as you have done a huge fraud with the company I was shocked I was so loyal to the company and worked so hard but I just got shit upon by a c**t who came in just recently well there was no investigation what so ever and even my people who worked under me and my coworkers pretty much all of them cut their ties with me and no one responded to any of my msgs they read all of them but no one replied now fast forward I applied to many companies and worst part is it is the pandemic now and finding work is very hard and what really makes me feel like ending it all is that I applied to different jobs in my working industry gave interviews and got very good responses I was expecting offer letters from them but to my surprise I found out that each and every place I applied to some person had a connection to my old company and the people who framed me .Therefore I am not being hired anywhere since my name got destroyed in my old company and pretty much none of my ""so called contacts"" have even replied to my msgs and some even blocked me At this point I feel like my careers destroyed every day feels like a standstill and I feel like ending it all but I just think of my family and how hurt they will be and tbh I am afraid of doing it, I guess every human is but yeah its nuts how life can change in a blink of an eye and I do know some people have it far worse than me but man this sucks and anyone who has read my msg this far thank you it means alot because I have no one to cry to or discuss with I am all alone and helpless but idk how can some people be so cruel that they would want to destroy other peoples career sometimes I feel that I was the mistake for even being born in this world but ah man ffs I am done ranting Well I hope no one goes through what I did My work life getting destroyed",Depression +14272,"After the pandemic started my mother and my sisters addiction issues went out of control. My (F21) own anxiety and depression got so horrible, and trying to be there for my family was exhausting. I was put on academic probation for a summer 2020 course that I failed and then fall and spring I failed a few more classes (all online). I got kicked out of school but everyone told me it would be okay because I could appeal and get back in for fall. I just received word today that the university committee felt that I needed to focus on my mental health more so they denied my appeal and I will not be allowed to apply to the university for at least a year. I worked so hard on my appeal and started going to therapy so that I could get back in school but now I just feel worthless and hopeless, like some unusable product of my familys trauma. I am having such horrible thoughts about myself and what I want to do to myself. I know I can go to community college but my parents will be so disappointed in me when they find out. I am not looking forward to just working minimum wage jobs the rest of my life. I got fat during the pandemic and I just want to give up on getting healthy again, I want to give up on everything now. Kicked out of university for bad grades",Depression +14273,"Somehow I managed to not think about my depression for nearly 3 years, I can hardly believe it. I am posting just so I can feel that I have talked to someone. Something happened a few days ago, my girlfriend basically treated me like I was a child, it is the first time that is happened and I did not let it slide, I got upset and even apologized for getting upset later, she never apologized back.I guess what was keeping everything back was pretty fragile because just a couple days stuck in my head has brought me all the way back to my emotional health when I was 17, I really do not know what to do, maybe letting the feelings pass will be good enough, but I think I just needed someone to talk to, or at least to pretend. Thank you to anyone who read this it is back again.",Depression +14274,"I do not know why this is so hard to understand, i feel like people in my family take my breakdown at the end of my college study to be out of nowherethat subsequently made me quit it altogether. ""you are not depressed"" yada yada. I have a lot of unresolved anger bouts as a teen-ager, I broke down crying when I graduate high school. Yet it is suddenly so surprising. I am tired of living, and the expectation to suddenly becoming a competent adult. I am 23 this year, constantly being suggested to apply to college just ""for the sake of it/having a degree"", my older sibling already move out and have their own kid, I could not talk to my dad as talking to either of my parents feels it is going nowhere.I do not feel understood yet I do not think they want the version of the me that is an utter failure and have little to no interest in studying/working in STEM fields. I do not know I hate being here, I feel sfuck. I cannot talk to anyone irl because I feel they will just judge me, even online is hard. I want to die. a mentally unstable kid will not suddenly be a mentally stable adult",Suicidal +14275,"There are several times throughout the day where my depression/mood gets so bad it physically hurts being alive. I just wanted to know if anyone else feels the same. I also cannot concentrate during these moments and can no longer really enjoy anything. My friends and family know about this, but even with all the support I am fortunate to have, I feel like I am screwed and my brain is breaking down. Is it normal for depression to be THAT bad?",Depression +14276,"I should be happy that people count on me and that I am important but I am *not*. I wake up, go to work, go home, repeat. My husband does not work, he takes care of our apartment, so I am the only source of income, and I am making just *barely* enough to survive. If our rent increases again, we will end up homeless.(Husband not having a job is a whole other issue I do not feel like getting into tbh)I cannot enjoy hobbies anymore. I cannot do anything but just sit and watch TV, and even that feels overwhelming because there is so much content and never enough time to enjoy it.I have only actively started planning to kill myself once, and I called a helpline, and my husband hid all the meds we have because my plan was to OD. I have not quite gotten back to that state of desperation but I have thought so many times since then that things would be easier if I just...stopped.I am not going to hurt myself because I do not want to let my family and friends down. I do not want to hurt them by leaving. But I am so, so tired of feeling like every single day is a fight against my own brain.I have diagnosed depression, regular therapy, and I take Prozac. it is not working. I am only alive to support other people.",Suicidal +14277,"""it does not matter because we are going to kill ourself"" that is what i said whenever things happened. I always said 'we' because i feel like there is someone else inside this body who still wants to be happy, to be alive, who wants to be saved. I am not sure who is in there, it could be my childhood self or whatever else it is called.I am so sorry, after everything you have been through, you do not deserve to end this way. I wish, i could separate myself from this body so the other self can be happy. I am so sorry that i do not want all of this anymore. I am sorry. I am sorry to other self inside this body",Suicidal +14278,I have one younger sibling and even as a 21 year old I am still jealous of her. I have always worked hard to get where I need to be and I have been through so much abuse weather in sports or school. She has gone through no adversity and never has to work hard to get anything. Things just fall in her lap while I constantly grind to get any scrap. I get so upset sometimes and wonder why people treat me so awfully and she gets treated so well for doing nothing and is not even nice to people. Siblings am I right? (Rant),Depression +14279,money makes the whole difference in my world. fk people. fk religion. fk family. money is freedom.fk this life. i do not want to live anymore if only i am rich.,Suicidal +14280,"I am in lockdown at the moment, with a lot of people not giving a shit. we have been in lockdown for 5 weeks so far, with no end date in sight. I am missing my parents and my friends so so much. I can feel myself spiralling further. I am still taking my meds, and normally they work. I have been stable for a while now, only experiencing mild episodes. Since maybe the third week of lockdown I started getting worse. I have relapsed into self harm for the first time in years. My suicidal thoughts are getting really difficult to ignore. I have not slept more than 3 hours a night for at least a fortnight now. It sounds stupid, but I have started vaping to help with my urges. Knowing that its bad for me makes me keep doing it. I am going to try and quit once lockdown is over, but I do not even know when that will be. It sounds really stupid, but knowing the harm its causing me just helps. At least a little. My partner took away my artist scalpels, because Id been using those. But then I found a lighter and just used that instead. I just struggle to care. I feel so empty. I am struggling",Depression +14281,"My family has been toxic to me for quite a few months now, I cannot handle the hate and their hatred glance at me everytime they talk to me. it is not just their speech, it is their body language which pushes me back everytime.I am sharing this just because, I want to let it out.This incident is when I was in 6th standard, like every other kid I wanted attention and quality time with friends and family.At about 8pm I asked my mom if she want to see a movie together, she denied so I started requesting her and maybe got my tears out because I was not feeling good either at school or at home.This somewhat made my father decide to pull me from the back of my shirt and glide me through the back of the house getting scribbled on the ground, I was crying there was nothing else I could do.My mom stood behind and saw what happened to me, he took me to the back of the house and thrashed me on the ground, the back street.People usually spill alot of broken glasses on the back house to prevent theft, so they all got inserted on my back and I still have the deep scars which did not get fill up yet.They both went inside leaving me there and my sister came to me crying.I was in so much pain that I could not move.Yea that is it, now when me and my sister have an arguement, she taunts me about how she should have never came to see me. what is the worst thing your parents did to you?",Depression +14282,"...but only when you get it.it is becoming more and more frustrating with _anything_ that I do there is always something negative people need to interject with. Never constructive. it is to the point where even small things are bothering me and that is becoming an issue. The biggest thing that gets me are these attitudes of X does it better so you are invalid or Y has it worse so you are invalid. It really makes you feel small and like a nobody.Time and time again I will try something again and it just ends up in the same place. Nobody genuinely cares, which is why I rarely bother anymore to reach out and express things. I am in this alone and just need to deal with it I suppose. When there is nobody to advocate for you, you just need to do it yourself. it is very hard to pick yourself up when you are in a tough spot.Am I letting the negative win? For now yes and I hate that. I really wish things could be different sometimes. Living a happier life will come in time I hope. Thanks for stopping by whoever you may be out there- Positive Reinforcement Goes a Long Way",Depression +14283,"what is the easiest and painless way to kill yourself???? WHY DO I FUCKING NEED TO PUT SOMETHING ON THIS????](*(""(#!-""+#!$+*++$7#+*;""",Suicidal +14284,"My family will not suffer for the rest of their lives by having to take care of me, people grieve and get over it all the time. I cannot get or hold down a job, I am not even disabled enough to get disability pension, I do literally nothing with my life, no aspirations, no religious or spiritual beliefs. The only friend I have gets paid to see me. Every single guy I have met has used me a then thrown me away, not like I have ever been able to hold down a relationship anyway and I am never having kids because my genes are probably fucked. I cannot even take antidepressants without possibly unintentionally severely injuring myself. And to top it off the world sucks, our planet is dying and theirs death and despair everywhere.I do not want pity, other people probably have it worse than me. I just want a single reason to live. I wish I had something to live for but I do not. Looking for a single good reason to live",Suicidal +14285,"They saw the scars on my arm when checking my blood pressure. I blamed it on my cat because they have scratched me on accident before but I am scared that the doctor did not believe me. This sucks. I went for a check up today, I am an idiot",Depression +14286,"I (24M) am going through one of my worst depression phases right now. (Also struggling with anxiety and unusual OCD which makes things much harder)The story:Been through tough times since childhood.Had a really bad year.Started meds.Got better.Was in a relationship.did not go that well but things advanced fast.Got cheated on.Now feeling emptiness and depression like never before.Therapy of once a week is expensive but still not enough as in between I feel really bad.Meds are not doing much anymore.I still have to work and pretend to be in control of myself.I also want to cry all the time but cannot because it seems I lost my ability to cry.I feel miserable, depressed, exhausted, destroyed and really do not know how to get through all this. I feel like I cannot be okay on my own anymore.Simply: Too tired...Any advice or thoughts?Also would love to talk more and exchange stories. Preferably females as they might better understand some specific things that happened and share their different perspective. I need to talk to someone...",Depression +14287,what is the least messiest way to do this without making it harder on people who may discover you have to clean up ect Least messiest way,Suicidal +14288,"Why do I always want to delete all my social media accounts and go MIA. Were all getting older, I know I cannot expect to act the way I want them to act but I feel like everything I do is wrong and they will just shade me in someway after we hang out. I always over analyze my friends behaviours, the way they act around me and I start to overthink that everyone hates me. I do not know if its the weed putting words in my head but I do think I am somewhat weird or crazy. I connect to strangers way more than friends, after knowing a person for a while, I hate them lol but it is a temporary feelings. I cannot seem to be with people, I have been to myself for so long now especially during the pandemic that made me even crazier got me thinking when could I ever be normal.I should definitely stop smoking weed because it brings my alter ego that I do not want to be, I just want to feel loved and not judged. I want to be all for myself but not really",Depression +14289,I HAVE A FUCKING GUN! I HAVE A FUCKING GUN! I HAVE A FUCKING GUN! I HAVE A FUCKING GUN! QUIT SAYING it is MY FAULT AND BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING AND TREATING ME LUKE SOME OVEREMOTIONAL IRRATIONAL DUMASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE A FUCKING GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! If people keep saying it is my fault I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +14290,"cannot even muster the energy to deliver my rant. Which is actually just a series of observations about the realities of living in modern society, feeling unfulfilled with the progression of life, and the brutal ways people treat each other in the name of profit. The same observations I have been making since I was twelve years old. But I guess I do not really need to do that here, we all know more or less exactly the way each of us feels about how life works, it is why we congregate in places like these. People think we are looking for advice, or sympathy, a shoulder to cry on. In some cases that is true but when we have reached the end of what we think we can endure and we are sitting in front of our screen holding a bottle of pills, or that length of rope we have been tying over and over to get just right (would not want it to fail when we need it most) We Know that noone has the words to give us to make it better. That magical set of words that will fit in a character limited text box, and will wipe away all the sorrows and pains of our lives. The miraculous advice given by a stranger that knows nothing of the specifics of our hardships, that will rejuvenate us and show us a new light that will guide us in life. NO. We came here for ourselves. Our last ditch effort, our last vestige of hope that by sharing our stories and our plans and our pains, we can gain the clarity and strength we need to keep struggling through these trials. Or that with the commiseration of those that see the world the way it truly is, we will finally find the courage to end them. I hope you discover, in the process of releasing yourself, the Will that you need to keep on fighting for your life. (Reposted but I just do not know what else I can offer to help this sea of drowning people) The sad truth is there is nothing that I can say to help with your problems, or my own.",Suicidal +14291,Living life on this Earth is a curse.I am so tired of reaching out to get help. Why are people telling me to get help? I do not think I want to anymore. I do not see the point in forcing myself to want to live. I am just so tired. I just want to cease existing. I wish I just never existed.,Suicidal +14292,Everything is better when I am asleep. I honestly wish I just do not wake up later. I slept all day and it felt amazing. I wish I just did not wake up tho.,Suicidal +14293,"Hi everyone. Hope everyone is having a good day. During 2020, I was officially diagnosed with depression. I have always had symptoms of depression and most likely should have been medicated long beforehand, but during quarantine my symptoms skyrocketed and I needed to get help. I began seeing a therapist, she diagnosed me and recommended zoloft as my treatment and for several months so far so good. But as of June my symptoms have gotten worse then what originally caused me to seek help. I am almost constantly sad and suicide is a frequent thought in my mind. I am not actively planning but there are times where I will have a thought to just do it then. And now, as of last week, I have almost no energy, no real drive to do almost anything and I have no interest in almost anything. All I do is sleep, work and eat. that is it and just thinking about it makes me extremely depressed.Yesterday I called out of work telling them I was not feeling well and I just needed the day. I slept for almost 14 hours last night and I woke up with no energy and I was nauseous. I went in to work today and my manager quickly sent me home because of my symptoms and he thinks its COVID but I have not gotten the courage to tell him I have depression because him and the rest of my work are not exactly the most progressive when I comes to mental health. On the car ride home I made the realization that I have gotten to the point that my depression has directly effected my life and now I feel worse then I have yet. I am not asking for help. If anything this is just me venting. But today really sucked. Today was the first day I was sent home from work because of my depression.",Depression +14294,Thinking of slitting my wrists and bleeding out. TW: cutting,Suicidal +14295,I am going to kill myself in tonight. Have everything set. I want to go but I feel for my family. This will reck them but I am not set up for life. I am a shitty human being,Suicidal +14296,"Many many years later, everything is worse and I feel played as fuck. Tricked and deceived by the system. Wtf I was thinking? I knew in my gut that the situation was hopeless (not attractive), but for some retarded reason I decided to keep going... I should have trusted my gut since back then. Fuck people, and fuck societyPS: being smart educated and skilled will not save you. Being fit will not save you. Having money will not save you. And even working hard, will not save you. So yeah fuck all I should have cte when i was 14",Suicidal +14297,I am sacred that I am either going to do something I will regret either by killing myself when I have been doing so good or I am going to accidentally say something that will lead to me getting put in the ward again to the new nurse I am meeting. She sounds bitchy and I am afraid she would put me in a ward. Feeling suicidal and my nurse at the hospital is on leave.,Suicidal +14298,"I hate myself so much.I keep trying things... I keep trying to meet people but I just cannot find anyone I have anything in common with.&#x200B;The answer, the proper human answer, is to change myself to fit everyone else. I cannot do that. I just cannot lie to myself. Maybe it is because I am autistic.I am 30 years old and no one has ever seen me sexually. I feel like everyone I have known would laugh at the idea or anyone ever being in love with me. I have... also never met anyone I have been attracted to. But like. I mean, yeah, I have ""high standards"", but if I myself live up my standards, why is it wrong for me to want to spend time with someone else who works as hard as I do towards the same standards/values?&#x200B;But I feel like no one will ever accept me because I am a virgin. Because I care about sex-positivity and LGBTetc things and things like that (I am pansexual), but I feel like I would not be seen as legitimate, that I would just be laughed out of the room and trashed because I have never actually been with anyone.&#x200B;Just... having no friends is the same as missing an essential nutrient. You just cannot function. No amount of pushing yourself to get over it is going to make up for that. &#x200B;And I am at my limit.&#x200B;I just want to be seen. I just want to be acknowledged as a person. I want to exist. I want to actually exist. I feel like I do not exist because no one notices me. &#x200B;Just... being 100% ignored... it hurts. I just need friends.&#x200B;If I died today, no one would even know. Like. There literally is not a single person anywhere who would miss me. I am just never going to have any friends or personal connections with other people",Depression +14299,I feel tired. Why am i still alive. I do not have anything major that is objectively bad going on really.But why do i still feel this way. Rant?,Suicidal +14300,please talk about anything. Just anything. Tell me about your day or how you have been doing lately. I think I am on the verge of another anxiety attack and I am starting to freak out,Depression +14301,So just to let you know where my head is at these days Ill tell you about myself. I am 23M. My childhood was physically and emotionally abusive and I was neglected for a long time. The older I get I can see how this stuff has messed with me and how its always been messing with me and the way I socialize with people. I met my dad when I was 18 and he knew how my mom was but he did not want anything to do with me and my sister but he raised our half sister and gave her a great life. I never wanted to have kids and I was with this girl for 3 years and she begged me not to wear a condom said and that she was on birth control and I believed her and now she is pregnant and I am almost certain that its my daughter. She was born in April I think. I do not know her name or where she is. My ex just went crazy when she found out she was pregnant and she got back with her ex and she will not communicate with me at all. So that is what is been going on in my life. Then I met this girl and started talking to her and she seemed to really like me and I really liked her a lot too. But all my anxiety and stuff was messing with me. When someone says something good to me I cannot believe its true for some reason and I feel like things are going to get real bad. This girl is becoming a counselor and she just seemed like the girl that came right out of my dreams. We were going out and having a real good time and then I did not hear from her one day and I got real nervous and had an anxiety attack. I feel so stupid for getting like that and getting attached but I was real nervous and did not want to wait around for her to open my snap so I text her and told her how I felt and that I hope she was not ignoring me and that she can just tell me anything. She text back and was sorry but I said a lot of stupid stuff for it being that early to talk to someone. This went on for another three weeks just being like warm and not like it was before when she was sending hearts and saying good morning sweetheart and saying she loved this and that about me. So these past three weeks just killed me because she said she still wanted to get together and that everything was okay. Anyways I feel like that was too overwhelming for me and I told her how I felt and she started talking and said she was afraid it would not work out because we live like two hours away and she really wanted to be with means that she knew I was attached and she was too but she was afraid it would not work out and that she could not be what I wanted right now. I feel so stupid and I feel like I ruined things. I think I have jus got so much going on these days its already hard for me to function as it is and I was so happy to be talking to this girl it just sucks and I hate myself. I embarrassed myself so bad and ruined something that could have been great.,Depression +14302,"When I was a child I was forced to wear clothes too big which still do not fit me. I have not grown in them. The only life experience I gained from it was knowing how to act as a grown up. Tonight I will be 19 and next year I will not be a teenager anymore. The thought that I will never have properly actualized my own potential consumes me, to an extent that I am ready to pull the trigger. I am thinking of ending things but I will not because my mom is dependent on me. Tonight I will be 19",Suicidal +14303,"I took 75 pills 3 hours ago and nothing has happened to me, I am very furious. I am also scared of what is about to happen to me. I feel nothing but I am prepared to what is to come. Wish me luck I attempted OD",Suicidal +14304,"I have felt suicidal since I was about 12 years old. Emotionally abusive parents, absentee father and mother while I lived with my grandmother who was the emotionally abusive one. I met my wife in my 3rd year in high-school and we started dating in senior year. We were both awkward and she was my first real girlfriend outside of long distance ones that also did not end well. We have changed as people throuout the 12 years we have been together and mostly for the good, growing in empathy and ability to communicate. One thing that did not grow was my self esteem. I can see objectively I am not particularly ugly or anything and I have a few skills but nothing has really added to my self worth. My wife was my primary source of confidence. Last week I had found out that she had been involved with someone via the internet. This has destroyed me and even though she has cut contact and been saying and doing a lot of the right things so that we can stay together. She was a major anchor for me to this world and now I feel like its really just not meant for me. I have told her before that I never thought I would make it this far and right now my feet are dragging. I guess I am just venting as I work out where I go from here. I have had some good moments with my wife since this but I still feel like the life is be drained out of me. I know that plenty of you have it worse and plenty of people would not have their wayward spouse show remorse. For that I feel selfish, but honestly everything feels selfish when you feel like you deserve nothing but death. Broken after infidelity.",Suicidal +14305,"Everytime my mom/dad tells me to study, I suddenly feel... Empty, I feel like suffocating, like I want to cry because how my life is going nowhere but cannot, I do not feel anything... Unless I am watching a movie or playing video games... Is there something wrong with me? I do not know what is wrong with me...",Depression +14306,"so in april I started a new job for the 1st time in years, its a good job and I was good at it. I was doing so well i stopped taking my meds because i did not think they worked anyway and I do not like being on them. then i started burning out. no matter how much I rest i never feel any better. I am trying to get a sicknote but the dr would not see me, I have been off for a while so there is a very real possibility i might lose my job. this has messed up every good thing I have had in the past. jobs, relationships, education, have all been fucked up at some point because of my head. I feel like I just do not belong in this world no matter how hard i try mental illness ruining my life again",Depression +14307,"I am not sure what I am doing. I do not know why, but I am posting something on a subreddit for other people to see my vulnerability and the guilt that I have been having for some time now. Maybe the only reason that I am doing thi is I do not want to burden the people around me with the problem that I am having at the moment. Today I woke up just fine but when I went into the shower. I was just spacing out in my thoughts and then my ex pop into my head. I tried to forget it and not think a lot about it. Unfortunately I did not forget it when I got into my room after the shower. So I decided to listen to some music. This was the worst idea that I had. I ended up listening to a sad playlist. When I was listening to the first song in the playlist, I broke down crying just thinking about my ex. Thinking about how I ruined our friendship. How I was the because of my own misery. How I was the one that lost at the end of the day. How I still like him after breaking up with him twice. How I try to make myself happy by going to another relationship the same year, a couple months after the break up with my first ex. I ruined it. I turned out to be a miserable one. That guilty feeling on the way I treated him during my other relationship. How I talk about suicide and depression in joking way to him. Knowing that he still cares about me. How pathetic could I be? I still feel guilty until this day. Knowing that I joke about my depression, suicide and my unhealthy eating habits to him. Knowing after the call with him that it was horrible to even say to him. How could be so cruel to him ? Why did I think that I could just forget about him and talk trash about him to make myself look better? In the end I was alone, had a friend group and he was in it. I got out of the friend's place since I thought If i was there, I would make it awkward for him. So I left the friend group but that was not the only reason why I left the group. Just thinking about this again makes me want to do something. A little death of me. Me not being here. Me being nonexistent. Maybe that would make everyone happy If I was not here. Just thinking about it now, I do not understand why he liked a person like me? Why was it me ? It could be anyone else in that goddamn school but he chose me to like. I do not understand why he chose me ? Choosing me was a mistake. Choosing me led me to replace you, to try to make you jealous, to make myself better like changing my body and not eating well after the second breakup. Choosing me led you to worry about my unhealthy eating habits. It does not help that when I see you, I try to make myself happy or just forget about you. But deep inside me is just guilty of the way I treated you. That I was not the girl that you thought I was. How the last time I hugged you and you hugged me back on your birthday last year, was actually the last moment of us being together. The last moment that ruined. After the second breakup, I got into a deep depression. I stopped eating, I started to workout to make myself look better. It just ended in tears and realizing that I really did love you. How ridiculous did I look by giving him a birthday gift that had a love letter with it to express my feelings ? How in the end all you said you felt pressure to be with me? How pathetic that I had thought of us being together again ? How pathetic that I missed you after I lost feelings for you ? How I mess up by going to him the second time we are together ? How I should not have gone back to him ? I should not have done that. Knowing that now I am still thinking about him and how I ruin it. And how the idea of me not being here at this very moment is the best option for me. Need to get something off my chest today",Depression +14308,"I like this subreddit, it is like a confession box for sad people. Like me. I hate how good I am at hiding my sadness from others. Everyone thinks I am fine, but sometimes all I do is stay in bed all day and sleep, and think about the bridge close to my house and how easy it would be to step off into the churning murky waters below. And I self harm and sometimes I think my sadness has stolen most of the space people have for a personality. Because I am mostly just a paper thin sheet of a person, billowing and blowing away at the seams, where others are 3D and oozing with personality. In all, I feel hallow. Unreal. Like I am on a dusty shelf just waiting, waiting for something that will not come. Ever. And I think more and more about stepping off that bridge one day.. Hmm...",Suicidal +14309,"So I am not going to kill myself now. I could easily, because I secured the means a long time ago when I wanted to die more urgently than now. But once both my cat and my dad are gone I will shoot myself. I do not want to burden my dad with my suicide and my cat needs me. Part of me wishes I was dying from something out of my control. Like a disease. Is it normal to stay alive to not hurt someone?",Suicidal +14310,"You spend all this money for them to just not address your problems. Fuck you if you do this as a therapist. ASK US TO BE HONEST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HELP. NOT BECAUSE you are BEING PAID. Have some fucking empathy for once. Even things like asking to talk about something else throws them into a loop of well what is wrong with what were talking about?? Its called I do not care about what were talking about because its wasting time and my money for the help I was promised but do not get. TL;DR: It you are a therapist, actually care about your patients. Not the paycheck. Therapy is a waste of time.",Suicidal +14311,I am starting to do self harm again. I even bought a small cutter so when i feel stressed i can do self harm. If I cannot die then self harm should be enough for now. Self harm,Suicidal +14312,"So all of this began like a month ago. I was in the process of getting out of a depressed situation and was finally getting better. However right as this was happening a chain of terrible misfortunes started happening to me. First I broke my finger and almost poisoned myself in the same day. I am like whatever, shit day but it happens right? So a few days pass and I had pretty much fixed my mood from the shit day and I realized something was wrong with me (it is kind of private so I will not go in detail) but I googled it and it turns out it is a cancer syndrome. I instantly talked to a doctor but he said it I would have to wait a while for him to be available. So I spend the next 2 weeks torturing myself mentally imagining the worst case scenarios to a point where i prepared a knife to off myself if I was diagnosed with cancer. I went to the doctor a few days ago and the test results should be out tomorrow. I was once again starting to feel better and convincing myself that it is going to be alright when just a few hours ago I fell and broke my foot. Why are all of these bad things happening to me? Why are they all happening in such a short amount of time? I am laying on my bed in horrible pain and worrying about my foot, and tomorrow I could be diagnosed with a life threatening disease. If the test results are fine I would probably get in a car crash or something. I cannot take it anymore. When I try to tell my friends about my problems they reply with ""Sucks I guess"" or something like that, my parents do not care either. I am lonely and going thru the hardest time of my life. Everytime I start to get happy something terrible happens and I am thinking of ending it all.",Depression +14313,"I remember that I used to be excited about things intrinsically. I was excited about the topics I learnt in school because they were cool and because I loved discussing them with people. At that time I could not answer the question if you knew you could not fail what would you do?. And I still cannot. But at that time I would spring from topic to topic because they were interesting. Now that I have started working full time (fully remote) I cannot find the price of me that causes me to full engage with a thing. I cannot find the so-called flow state. Partly I think because I have become disillusioned by the ends achieved by my work, and partly because I do not know people I can share my work with in the same way I did in school and also because work ties me to a single project. Because I cannot access the flow state I do not know that any part of my work (or any other side project) is truly exciting to me.When I look to the future and think about what job I want I know that I want a job where the ends are satisfying the work is interesting and I can access the flow state. But when I make that concrete and ask should I pursue job X? Or what do I need to do to achieve Y? And I look at what I need to do to get there the motivation fades and the doubt creeps in. Am I really good enough to achieve that? Is that what I really want? If I put all the work in to get there will I feel as empty as I do now? I feel like those questions do not arise in a person without depression. I find myself questioning motives when the road ahead is slightly difficult.",Depression +14314,"People talk about the morality of killing yourself, of the pain you leave behind for those that love you. They talk about religious implications, and of the pain of different methods of suicide. They talk about the regret of not being able to achieve your goals in life if you are dead, as if my ten year plan would matter at all to my corpse. But none of that is why I am still here, positive or negative, it does not inform my decision. I am here because of the terror of waking up in the hospital the morning after my ""attempt at self harm."" The fear that in by trying to end the pain of life I will make my situation that much worse. Unable to use my hands because I slashed through my tendons? Unable to speak or control simple motor functions because of the brain damage from lack of oxygen? Paralyzed or comatose, or with a giant crater in my head from a bullet that just could not quite get the job done? Did you know that suicide by shooting yourself in the head only has an 82% chance of succeeding? Scariest fact I have learned in a while. Fear of Failure, that is what is keeping me on my feet today. But there is always tomorrow. Fear of failure",Suicidal +14315,"I self harmed with the intent of ending my life last night. I tried to cut some of my blood vessels open, but my scissors were not sharp enough. I ended up bleeding down my leg but it stopped after a few minutes. I probably lost about 10-15 mL of blood. Does this count as a suicide attempt, or is this suicidal self harm?Thank you for any input in advance. I love you all, and know that you are all beautiful people.<3OctoHelm Does this count as a suicide attempt?",Suicidal +14316,"I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, this hurts so bad, everything seems to be beyond damaged. The disease (depression) has ruined me in so many ways, I just want to go. I want to die",Suicidal +14317,"Everyone has a policy and now I have mine. But the one weird thing holding me back was guilt when I know they do not really care about me or my emotions. they will turn their back on me when I need them or laugh at me or throw my struggles in my face but when I manage to pull myself out of a dark place they enjoy being there like they did something. I do not even know why I was worried. I guess because I feel empathy for them because I know what it feels like to not have anyone care but whatever. I do not really have anything left. I tried hobbies and making friends but I do not have the patience or energy to maintain them. I do not like or feel connected with people and whatever people I have in my life I am definitely the least favorite and least liked. I hate school, I hate my program. I can no longer find joy in the little things like music or food. I have tried therapy, multiple therapists and either they are too expensive or they are not good. I tried to joint a program where I feel like Id be around more caring people just to feel a community and have someone who sees the world similarly to me but that also backfired. there is just nothing keeping me here anymore. I am going to go read and finish the policy and start planning. My family is taking a life insurance policy out on me so at least I can leave them with something",Suicidal +14318,"I want to die. I have no future. Its too difficult to eat because I cannot stand weight gain, nor my own company, its too unbearably painful not eating. My only motivation to get healthy and stay alive was my s/o but they have broken up with me. Told me they are no longer in love with me, after 8 years together. I want them back so badly I sometimes consider murder suicide. But they do not want me anymore and I see no reason to live. Because I cannot get out of this eating disorder and I cannot get them back either. Fuck it all. I just want it over now, I just want relief. I want final relief",Suicidal +14319,"I know I am not really fit to work mentally.I want to quit, but only because I am not ready, I almost just want half a year to get my mental health in check so I can.But how can I do this? Or I want to quit my job because it is just really stressful doing it while mentally unwell, and it is making me more unwell, but I fear hurting my reputation, losing money, and losing routine.",Depression +14320,I am struggling to keep going. I think it is easier talking to strangers then telling people I know how i feel. I am in a bad place right now but I am trying so hard to not give in. I used to be so different but that seems like a different lifetime. I still have hope things will get better but the hope dwindles every day. Will someone talk to me?,Depression +14321,"I am pathetic is fuck, I am 26 I do not have any girlfriend, do not have friends, do not have a job. I just basically live with a pension and pills. I am fucked up, i feel like I have lost everything and nothing is going to come back to me, especially the best days in my life that i never live. I dunno if this is my last post here and then i will kill myself later because in my life no matter what i try and do, nothing makes sense. Everything makes me suicidal, what have I think",Suicidal +14322,Does anyone else have situational depression? I have been homesick for years and my wife will not allow us to mive back to our homestate where all of our family is. We have a 7 year old daughter who is not growing up with any family surrounding her. The homesick turned into depression so i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with situational depression with no real cure for it other than to somehow move back home.Anyone else share a similar situation? Situational Depression,Depression +14323,"Why do they have to be so hard to acquire where I live? You know what, they are probably not even that hard to get, I am probably just too fucking retarded to get my hands on one. God I hate being me, I wish this shit could just be over already. I wish I had a gun",Suicidal +14324,About anything. I am dying inside I need someone to talk to,Suicidal +14325,"i do not. i just wish that i was never born. i feel so ungrateful because i have everything. I am sure that everyone struggling in this sub, would love to have my life. i have a family that loves me. many friends that care about me. no one has been bad to me, no one. i graduated as third of my class, now have a good paying job. i live with 2 of my closest friends in a beautiful house. but i feel like shit everyday. i wish no one knew me so i could just disappear. i cannot leave the people that love me. i find many things to complain about. i lash out at people. i became a monster. i feel just like my brother. i do not have a place in this world",Depression +14326,"So I have been getting more and more upset that nobody seemed to want to do anything with me. Now that they do, I find their attention kind of bothersome. I feel like I am being pulled every which way and all I want to do is sleep. What the fuck is wrong with me!? Why does every activity feel like a gods damned chore!? What the fuck",Depression +14327,"I have never had a friend in my life because everyone thinks I am weird. I am 20 years old and in college and I have not made a single friend. I just wish I had friends who I could hang out with and talk to, and have a good time with. In high school I had zero friends too. I just do not see the point in living. what is the point of being alive if I do not have any friends?",Depression +14328,"I have chronic asthma and allergy and I feel so sick everyday. I am just tired and I gasp for breath for even simplest of tasks. Just able to do work from home barely while getting tired and burned out. it is hard even to do simple tasks. When acute attacks trigger it feels like my life is just ripped out of my body as I struggle for oxygen. Add to that allergy to most foods means I am not able to eat most foods. To that I have a weakened digestion and suffer from pain and food poisoning if I eat something that may contain allergic ingredients. Sometimes I feel why do I exist. Every day is same,getting up dragging shitty body for work which is not even unable to keep up with normal tasks, getting rebuked at work and coming home and repeating the same thing. I cannot imagine fucking death as watching people die due to lack of oxygen is too painful to even watch. You cannot eat anything nor you can drink as you are gasping for breath. Coupled with that depression makes the experience even better. I am just tired",Depression +14329,"Maybe then I could find peace or if not God or whatever could make sure my family would be okay after it became too much for me to handle. I cannot though. I cannot believe in a God that would allow so much suffering, not just to me but the millions of others with depression, rape victims, assault victims, cancer patients, people who never find love, people who get theirs love stolen from them. I just, fuck, I do not know and I may never know at least in this life. I say to myself a lot that the only reason I am still alive is my family but I do not think that is true. I am also scared of what comes after or, I guess, what might not. This is not to say I do not want to die though or that I would regret it if I did. Just, yeah, those are my thoughts. I wish I was religious",Depression +14330,"Hey guys, I live in UK. I have harm OCD, which basically means I have had intrusive thoughts to harm/kill myself and others my whole life. I have always struggled trying to get help because OCD is so misunderstood. Like when you go to the Dr and say you need mental health help. They ask you ""are you a risk of harm to yourself or others?"" Or something along those lines. And before you even answer, they say ""because if you are, I will have to report it"". I find these questions really difficult because, A. I have been suicidal my whole life, I have self harmed my whole life and I have had intrusive thought to hurt others my whole life. At certain points I have very bad breakdowns where I feel like I might actually act on these intrusive thoughts. But if I told a Dr how I really felt, I would be sectioned, which I know would make everything a lot worse for me. So I say no, I am not at risk, I am not suicidal. And then you get no help at all and they do not help you as urgently as you need it. So I was just wondering how many people have been really suicidal, but lied to Doctor's out of fear of being held against their will (sectioned)? Sectioning",Suicidal +14331,"I am having anxiety where I do not want to talk with the other people, or cannot sleep or eat then because of that my relation to the other people including my family got worse where I feel more awkward to talk to them or to meet their eyes so I always lock my self to my room whenever my aunty or cousin visit our house, because of that I get overthinking where what if they think I am weird, or what if they start to dislike me or to hate me, since I cannot even talk to them because of that damn wall inside my hide that forbid me to talk with the other people and start to make an assumption of what my family thinks of me and that wall is my anxiety. So because of that some other people say that I am too pridefull or to queit, or snobby or arrogant but they do not know that each time i interact with them i always carefull about my expression or word in that way i can hurt them, becauee my looks bratty or pridefull but that not who i am, I am just carefull of everything, I even create a scenario of what should I say in order for them to think that I am not that kind of person But they cannot even see on who I am,and that is the reason why i start to shut my self to the world to them people around me and start to hate my self to thenpoint that i want to die because i know to my self how loser i am. Having anxiety can give me wrong impression to the other people",Depression +14332,"I was in the shower and started to think if my life realy is as miserable as my mom says. I am 27, a single mom to an 19 month old, currently living with my parents, going through parental court. I take 100 % care of my son.I get up at 6 in the morning, rain or shine, no matter if I have had a panic attack the night before. I tend to my son every needs, I play, I read, I take him on walks and when he goes to bed around 7/8 I go to bed too, and I am asleep by 10.I am currently on sick leave due to PTSD, I stayed home with my son till march, and now I have 6 hours all alone every day except the weekends. I just spend my days,relaxing, napping some days, cleaning and getting back up on my feet. I went through PND/PNA and PPD/PPA (pregnancy/postpartum anxiety+depression), my PTSD went to shits and my eating disorder blossomed again. So its been hard, and since I NEED to put my son first that is what I have done, and now I have the time to put myself first during the daytime. And for me its working.I got no social life, well I talk a bit to the neighbours and parents in kindergarten, but I do not meet up with my friends. I do not date, I just focus on me and my son, and I do not feel lonely or anything just as a bit of a failure at times. Its hard being a mom on my worst days, I do not want to get up from bed but I have to, getting outside to the playground is also hard but I do it.I feel like I am putting in so much hard work, but when my mom talks down on me tells me to cut the crap and my life is miserable, I am starting to think that it might be.From I was 8 and up until now everything has been utter shit, but I am contempt, I am in a good place even though I am struggeling. My PPD has lifted alot and I love my son so so much, and I have been waiting for the whole motherly feeling and now that its here I just want to stay in this bubble. I am working hard to be the mama my son needs, and that means I do not do much social and during the day. But its working for me.Before I had my son I was social,I was out and about, I worked, I was doing 110 % and it made me even more sick. Now I do things at my pace, I am working on showering,brushing my teeth and all that jazz, I do not want to slip up and end up in my dark hole again. I am just super confused.Is my life seriously so miserable? Does my life sound miserable?",Depression +14333,I am 31. How old are you?,Suicidal +14334,"I am tired of everything, there is no joy in my life anymore and I feel empty, emotionless and numb, life is cruel and unforgiving and will kick you to your knees when you are at your lowest. I think I am going to finally do it today",Suicidal +14335,I just want to be put out of my misery. I do not want to keep fucking doing this. I am dead inside and I want my body to match. .,Suicidal +14336,I do not really know where to start or what to say but I have nothing to do. I just sit and look at my phone all day. I have asked friends if they want to hang out but no one was able to or whatever. None of my friends ever asks me if I want to hang out I always have to ask them which does not feel very good. Help I feel very lonely.,Depression +14337,"I dropped out shortly after turning 17. I have just turned 23 now. I cannot believe how fast time moves, and I can barely recall anything that happened from 2015-2019. I did almost nothing in those years, probably a deep undiagnosed depression when looking back on it.I do not feel like I have mentally or physically developed since I turned 19. It makes me sick to my stomach. I could have been in a coma for 6 years and nothing would have changed.My only real excuse is a major surgery when I was 18 that put me out of commission until I was 19, but of course I wielded that as a shield against questions and responsibilities, and when that passed, I faked distance education from age 20 to 21. COVID served as a grand excuse for the first 6 months of last year. I snapped out of this ridiculous mindset in mid 2020 and earned a spot at a decent university, but now I am now STARTING it properly at the age many people who had their mind straight at 18 FINISHED it.I did not stress it when I was 18, 19 or even 20, I completely palmed off life as a money game without considering the experiences I was missing, so how am I going to answer the age question with ""23"" while maintaining a straight face? What about ""24"" in 11 months? I feel like I have missed so much already that the actions I am taking now are mostly meaningless. People I once knew are already having kids, getting promotions, and going through grad school, they had their fun and they have got a big circle of friends to show for it.I will be fucking 27 or even 28 by the time this 5 year degree is over, just thinking of how close that is to 30 makes me upset. Taking stock and writing this helps, even if no one reads it. I hold no hatred for anyone but myself. How do I deal with so much lost time?",Depression +14338,"Everyday may depression and anxiety get worse where to the point I cannot eat, sleep pr even do what i need to do, and my heart feels heavy very heavy like theirs a big burden inside my heart that makes me not to move or to lose interest in everything. Then my mom notice my behaviour so she ask what is your problem, and she also say your too young to get problem or to feel depress, your not even starting to work. Then I feel like i going to cry because i want her to hug me, to care for me, or to talk to her, but I can because of what she say, I can even say that I feel like dying everyday. Getting worse everyday",Depression +14339,Just helps me feel suicidal. I do not really want to do it. But I gave my address to my friends and they said to suck it up Why delete my post,Suicidal +14340,"Everyday is a challenge anymore. Used to wake up ready and excited for what the day would bring. Now its how will I handle today? , will I cry? Will I breakdown to someone ? Can I just figure out how to sleep more without drugs? Am I ever going to be able to overcome?",Depression +14341,"Today were celebrating a religious holiday, eating, chatting, laughing, the joys almost feels real.But tomorrow, I have finally decided, I am going to go back to my apartment, a 100 miles away, take all the antidepressant pills I have left. I have already looked up the dosages. By tomorrow, 23 years would evaporate into nothingness, no pain, no misery, no shame, no loneliness. Like it never happened. Today I am surrounded by family but tomorrow..",Suicidal +14342,"Therapy has no use, because it is a service someone else provides for me. In the end changing things is still all up to me and I am a self-loathing piece of nothing.I do not seem to want to get better, I just think: it is too late. You should have done that and that years ago. All day long I feel empty and like something vital has left me. That inner sense of wonder, wanting to try new things is gone. I do not want a job, I do not want a relationship, I do not want money, I just want to give up. I feel like I am fighting myself every day now.",Depression +14343,I do not feel like doing anything else. Everything sucks I just want to eat and sleep,Depression +14344,"I live in a small town in iraq/Kurdistan dating is not allowed in where I live and there is not much to do besides soccerSo I would watch porn all day and text girls who I would never meet because they are in different countries.I got tired of wasting my time like this been avoiding porn for 7 days I literally had a dream last night about sex. And I deleted every texting app. I am 19 so I do not want to waste any more time But now I do not know what to do about self improvementI want to be smarter in general and stop chasing/depending on others to make me happy. I base my self worth on how others reply to me I also want to fix this but I do not know howI want to be able to make friends but I do not know howI want to find new hobbies that are meaningful but I do not know whatRight now I work as a mechanic so a new skill for me to learn I want to learn more skills but I do not know whatBut I am upset about the things I will miss out on. I want to do something meaningful or important but I do not know what, I want to learn something useful but I do not know what",Depression +14345,"no matter how you feel, it does not matter life's shit. you cannot deny it. or put on ur back. it does not matter. you either accept the suffering or die. no one wants to die. we being pushed to it, we forced to die. and? does not matter either lmao fuck how sad that is how ironic",Suicidal +14346,"I know what its like to want to kill yourself you feel worthless compared to everyone else you feel anxious you do not want to show your face to the world you hate yourself every minute of the day you feel unhappy.Well there is hope out there or i got extremely lucky. Throughout my 20s i was depressed and suicidal i felt like i had no future and everyone was better than me i felt worthless and not good enough for anyone but i found a hobby i liked and that was the Stock market i was not very good at it at first but it gave me hope like it was an escape from this bullshit world,i would lose money but i kept trying because i was passionate enough to keep giving it a go and now my hard work is finally paying off and I have been making 6 figures for the past few years and that was just simply because i enjoyed something i had a passion for something and i kept trying. I know money is not everything but we all need it to have a better life and improve ourselves. I believe every depressed and suicidal person needs to find their passion in life and then good things will happen everyone deserves to be happy If i can get over my problems in life so can you",Suicidal +14347,"I take all the advice I am given. I take my drugs on time, yet I still feel so fucking sad.I just exist. And I am tired. I have nothing left.I do not laugh. Food tastes like ash. I cannot sleep without medication.what is the point. I cut someone out of my life a week and a half ago because his inconsistency was making me anxious and now I just feel like I do not want to exist any more. I miss him so much.I have lost all my friends through being so insular. The GP said they could not help me because they were out of their depth with my ADHD.I do not know what to do. I do not want to die but I do not want to live either.When is it supposed to get easier? When is it supposed to get easier?",Depression +14348,"Last night I tried to overdose with a bunch of pills. I do not know how I survived honestly because with the amount I took it was crazy. I just ended up feeling awful, dizzy, delusional and hallucinating a lot.I have nobody left. I do not know what to do. I probably just ruined my liver or something now. I cannot even kill myself",Depression +14349,"(27M) Well after 10 years trying to getting a degree I am done. Well maybe at the end Universty was not for me. Now what is left is terrible:\-Unactractive resume for employers\-A dead end job loading truks.\-No friends or conections.\-Due to this situation no dating life.The future looks so great. Just enjoying my loser condition.**Just Venting. Not advice needed, thanks.** Dropout depression and losing hope",Depression +14350,"I am sorry to post this to other people dealing with suicidal thoughts, I never want to seem like I think that is the best option for ANYONE even myself.I am Bipolar and have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a young child (I am now in my early 20's) Initially a lot of childhood abuse and poor living conditions contributed to a feeling of deep sadness and depression... That being said as the years have gone by, I have started to realize that my suicidal thoughts have very little to do with being sad and much with a lack of desire to be alive and a dislike for the things that happen in this world.I used to write it off because I had people, things, and plans in my life that mattered. But after going through a divorce I have come to realize that most every person in my life has left, and Its made me realize I that it does not matter if I die and hurt anyone to me. If someone is hurt by my passing, it has no impact on me if I am deceased.I do not care for my original career plans, I do not want to have children, and I do not care about hurting people by passing.Has anyone else realized that their suicidal thought have nothing to do with sadness or even depression or hatred for yourself, but just a hatred for the world you live in?Not sure if this is the wrong place for this, I am sorry if it is triggering to anyone, I just want to talk about this because I feel lost in other support groups I have talked to. I honestly want some thoughts here",Suicidal +14351,"My self esteem is drained, I put out my 100% to recieve no effort at all. it is like anything I do is not good enough. My love tank is at an all time low. I do not know what to do. Am I holding on to nothing? Or do I need to be mature and hold on to this marrige? I went from having 3-ways in College to wondering every single day if my wife loves me.",Depression +14352,But I am so upset and I fought so long not to be. I genuinely need some help. I am not doing good Not to double post,Suicidal +14353,"I am not trying to be dramatic or anything but I honestly just hate life and want to die very badly. Living is constant mental pain and i hate it. I have also come to realization that life is pointless and it has no meaning, even if life did have meaning I still would not enjoy it. In my case suicide is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem because my problem is that I hate life and that is never going to change so, suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem for me. Suicide is the only thing that will fix my problem and give me peace. I honestly do not want to live anymore. 16M",Suicidal +14354,"I am not trying to be dramatic or anything but I honestly just hate life and want to die very badly. Living is constant mental pain and i hate it. I have also come to realization that life is pointless and it has no meaning, even if life did have meaning I still would not enjoy it. In my case suicide is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem because my problem is that I hate life and that is never going to change so, suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem for me. Suicide is the only thing that will fix my problem and give me peace. I seriously do not want live anymore. 16M",Suicidal +14355,"I was right there and then backed down because I got scared. So many opportunities to kill myself and I never did it. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse every year. I wish I had a gun, I would shoot myself. Right here right now. When I turn 18 I am going to get a gun and kill myself. In just one year I will be dead. Finally. I wish I had hung myself when I was 10.",Suicidal +14356,"hey, i want to die but I hate physical pain. lifes stressful due to toxic mom and grandma and school. do you guys know of any way I can fully kill myself with little to no pain? like a subtle way of killing myself, idw the crime scene to be messy with blood and stuff. I am 16, and I cannot get my hands on much things. like its really hard to get sleeping pills because its like illegal or smth idk. any suggestions? is there a painless way to 100% kms? I do not really like physical pain",Suicidal +14357,I have wanted to die but i have no way of doing it what do i do,Suicidal +14358,"I am too afraid of committing suicide because of the pain, and making my parents sad. I do not want to make them sad when I die. But I am too broken and everything seems to be unacceptable and unbearable. I wish I could just disappear in the cruel world without any pain and everyone who knows me would just lose all of memory about me.I want to be forgotten. I wish I could die with no pain and no attention",Suicidal +14359,"i have not had a good day in a while and today is particularly bad which is how i got here, i just wanted to let everyone here know that i am proud of them, the people who post about their issues and the ones that do not, the people who try to help and the people who would like to help but do not have the strength, no matter who you are:I am Proud of YOU you struggle, like we all do with thoughts of suicide and or dying or harming ourselfs to get through the day, you are not weak for thinking about it, you are not weak for considering it, you are STRONG for still being here, you are STRONG for still hanging on and though i do not know you or what you are dealing with, i do not know if there is a chance for it to get better one day or not but i hope it does, i hope you all find that happiness that makes you hang on for just a day longer, and then again tomorrow and the day after. many people would have probably broken if they went through what you are going through right now so be proud that you have made it so far, and even if you are not i am proud of you regardless I am proud of every single one of you",Suicidal +14360,"You know the thing ""you should talk to someone"" and the reply ""no one gets it"".I mean idk, I do not think I am that special, a lot of people would get what I am going through, but really no one can helo me change anything.What they going to do? Give me advice? I know what I should do, thanks, but talking is easy. And to be fair, I do not want to do anything. I just want to stay here and feel miserable. I do not care about myself, I do not care about becoming better, I simply could not feel more disgust towards my person. it is not that no one can get me, but no one can help me",Depression +14361,I am freaking out and I really need someone to talk to. Idk how to get through this alone Panicking,Suicidal +14362,"I am definitely deleting this in a few minutes, I just want someone to read it so I feel heard ig, God I am so pathetic lol but anyway, I have been trying to get better for the last couple of weeks and it has been so tiring, everyday I have to go through 7655431 fights with myself just to keep going, my mood changes countless times during the day and whenever I fall down I only have myself to get me up, I can just imagine how easier it would have been if I had someone who is actually there for me, someone I can turn to when I need but apparently I will not get to experience that, still I will keep trying my best to be strong enough to actually make a change in my mental health cuz right now it is the only thing I can try to control, other things are just out of my hands, it is just that I feel there is no point of the whole things ya know like rn I got nothing, not even hope for a better future so it is like this fight is based on nothing, I just need to get my shit together before school starts cuz I cannot risk messing up my grades in my senior year but today I could not do anything to stop myself of being miserable and I just surrendered, it is still 1:30 pm where I live but today we have a family gathering and shit which I hate so much and I am already in a very fucked up mood so I will just have to sit there and pretend like I am a normal person while I feel like jumping of the roof lol, I just hope this is a one day fuck up cuz I do not have time to go in a month depression acoma, yea if anyone read this, thanks <3 I just want to feel heard for a minute",Depression +14363,"i almost wish i could find happiness in trying to be funny and popular because then id have a goal to work towards to, no matter how shitty that fucking attitude is. its funny how the more emotionally mature i get the more depressing my life is. i almost wish i was the shallow fucker i used to be",Suicidal +14364,"I struggle with hiding my low mood, how do act all happy when I am not? Children only pay attention when I am energetic, loud and interesting. How do I put on a happy face? I work with children and I have to be smiley and energetic",Depression +14365,"Curious as to what those people feel after surviving a suicide attempt. Also, what do you wish those around you could have done after your survival? What did it feel like when you attempted.. and then you woke up in a hospital bed, or in the ambulance, or wherever it was that you were found? What was life like after?",Suicidal +14366,"Throughout my teens I have been depressed/suicidal. My situation is not getting better, and it will not. I have not LIVED a day in my fucking life. I have not done things normal teenagers do. I do not have friends, I have a toxic family, I live in poverty. I have not enjoyed life, I have wanted to die every single fucking day until now. I have not had ONE good day. NOT ONE. BIRTHDAYS SUCKED, HOLIDAYS SUCKED. SUMMER SUCKED. ALL OF THEM FUCKING SUCKED. I am READY TO END MY FUCKING MISERY ONCE AND FOR ALL. I am SICK OF THIS FUCKING SHIT. ITS NOT GETTING BETTER. ILL BE STUCK IN POVERTY 24/7 ILL BE STUCK WITH MY TOXIC FAMILY 24/7. I am DONE WITH THIS SHIT. I am 20 and I will be ending my life shortly",Suicidal +14367,"I have no hope, no future, no nothing. Fuck me. I hope I die bcoz I do not deserve shit. I am disgusted with myself",Suicidal +14368,"I feel terrible. Just like rubbish. As a useless and unnecessary thing. Why did she communicate so nicely and well with me for over a year, said that she wanted to meet, said come to study in my city, so we can see each other more often. And now, when there are 3 days left before my trip to visit her, she is ghosting me. I want to die, or just not exist. I do not understand this life. I do not understand anything.",Depression +14369,And by little things I mean little...Like birds singing in the morning or stuff What are the little things that keep you going?,Suicidal +14370,"I do not want to get the vaccine and basically becoming ostracised because of it, if you look at what is happening in france too. I would love to just press a button and be zapped from the universe. do not want to get the vaccine and just want to die",Suicidal +14371,that is all it really feels like at this point but I do not want to wait anymore. it is going to happen eventually but I wish it would happen now. I am sorry to my parents. I am just waiting to die,Suicidal +14372,"there is nothing that seems good to do at the moment. I am laying in bed full of anxiety I would like to just disappear from the universe. it is a month that I do not sleep well and I am so tired of everything, totally everything. If you notice my past posts everything started 1 month ago and spiraled down till now. Everyday is hell, my family do not understand the gravity of my situation maybe I should just sincerely talk to them and ask for help What do you do when everything seems not appealing and you also have anxiety?",Depression +14373,"When I was 16, I attempted suicide. I thought life could not get any worse than it was back then. I decided to help others if I could not help myself and started working for a suicide prevention crisis support line two years ago - I sat with people in their darkest moments trying to help them see hope. Now, I am having debilitating thoughts of suicide and seriously considering trying to end my life again. However, I have someone relying on me now and I do not want to pass on the pain to my newborn. It would be awful to grow up knowing your parent suicided a few months after you were born. I have tried seeking help, I have seen four different professionals and its just not working. I do not even know why I am posting, I am just lost and struggling. Never thought Id be back on this side",Suicidal +14374,"I am starting my junior year of high school this year and I am not really too excited about it. my freshman year was pure fucking hell!! my sophomore year was alright though because of COVID and had to do online classes..for 3/4 of my freshman year the anxiety was too unbearable that I skipped class and went straight to the bathroom for all 8 periods. my anxiety is like this my heart starts beating fast, I cannot walk straight, my eyes start to get droopy, etc, I asked my mom and dad if I can do homeschooling but they declined FUCK. I only have like 1 month left until school starts and I am really considering suicide, I have been thinking about suicide everyday for a couple of months now, nobody in my family knows that I have a big anxiety disorder thing and I am depressed out of my fucking mind, because of this fucking anxiety thing god gave me..because of this thing god gave me I have forgotten all my skills and all the things that made me unique, I am just nothing, if I am planning do commit suicide I would want a slow death like bleeding myself out. I would also love someone to beat the shit out of me until I am dead but nobody would want to do that to me. this is only a small percent of what I experience. my emotions are not reaI, I have fake emotions, it feels like god is playing with my fucking mind, I just want to have real emotions, but depression and anxiety are the 2 only really emotions I can feel school :(",Suicidal +14375,"My family seems to be predisposed to what seems to be every type of cancer known to man, high-key going to be pissed if I do not end up with at least one. because at least then my parents might actually give somewhat of a shit about me.",Suicidal +14376,No particular reason but i feel like death will be a peaceful way out Today i feel like dying,Suicidal +14377,"ppl always said that they are giving you virtual hugs when you got sad, and while i appreciate that, all i need is just hug, right here right now, bone crushing hug that will heal all of my wound .. is that really too much to ask ?just please hug me i just need a hug",Suicidal +14378,"I want to sleep forever - when I am asleep my mind is not there my selfish issues are not there - I just feel so much better being asleep w/ no dream, no nothing - Sometimes it just such a burden to be awoken to myself despite having the pleasure to see kind, beautiful ppl around me. I tried yesterday to slip by my household by going out the back window and they have cameras but they are leaving soon so today's the day I meet my fate at the bridge I have known my path ends at.I love and appreciate all the effort you guys do for everyone. I hope you guys find peace too. Later today is my final day,",Suicidal +14379,"I thought I had a handle of it. I was creeping away from the edge for a long time but the past couple months my head space has shifted and I cannot pull myself out of it for more than a day.I keep putting everything I have learnt into practice. It makes me feel a bit better for a short time and then I find myself in this thought that its all fake. I am not really happy if everyday I have to convince myself of it. I am just fake smiling, pretending everything is okay because from the outside my life does look pretty good. So why do not I feel that? Is that how the next 30 years of my life will be? Saying to myself every morning, smile, life is good. When do I start believing myself? I tried throwing myself into old hobbies, seeing friends, mindfulness etc. Yet the joy is only temporary. I understand we have to have bad days to appreciate the good but the balance is far off. I cannot work out what truly makes me happy. How do I want to spend the rest of my life? I feel like I am trekking through thick mud with a smile on my face hoping there is a meadow on the other side, but the horizon gets further away with each step.I am just struggling to see the point in it all. I am not happy and I have no idea why or how to change that. I am sick of faking my happiness. I do not know how to tell my family because I cannot really put what I am feeling into words. How do you fix something you cannot even explain.Its the cycle that wears me down. I have never been so tired. Thanks for reading. Just needed to get it off my chest. I do not know how to tell anyone that I have fallen back down. Turning 25(F) in a couple months and its got me thinking too much.",Depression +14380,The amount of people that want to kill themselves over one single person. I believe in your right to choose when to end your life (as long as you are making the decision willingly and are of sound mind) but wanting to kill yourself because one person does not like you anymore... it seems beyond trivial to me. The kind of unstable personality that would choose to do this does not have the mental depth required to make the decision to kill themselves. Give it a little time before you jump straight to wanting to die. I need an 25+ version of this I think. Cringe,Suicidal +14381,"I decided to stop taking the full dose of my Effexor; I am only taking half. I am on too many meds, and being more sad can have it is upsides, like losing appetite, which I feel I need.I am a bit afraid of what is naturally going to hit me, but I think I am a human being who needs to feel the full range of emotions, instead of being relegated to an artificial chemical existence.Any support is welcome. I went down on my anti-depressant",Depression +14382,"23(M) stuck in Life for about 5 years now. I am just at home, in front of the PC. Barely going out, even tho i try my best doing it. Gained alot of weight and unemployed. My Depression started with 16, even professional help could not help me. I see all the people around me, getting a car, getting married and such things and I am just the only one stuck. I try my best, i cannot do more. I did a trial training in a gym, it was fun, i liked it, but its financial not possible for me. I have to wait now for the woman that is responsible for me, since I am unemployed and helps me through it. I just do not know, had to write it. i feel pathetic, i try little steps but it feels like nothing. Sorry for bad english, i hope the post is not an eyesore. Everyone progresses in Life but me",Depression +14383,"I have wanted one for a long time, but I have not been able to get one because of my roommate's dog, and how he never wanted one.A few days ago, I was offered to take over a lease. I have been needing to move out of my current living arrangement, because it is toxic, and I finally have an opportunity to live on my own. This will be my first apartment living alone. I feel like being fully alone can be bad, though, so I would love to adopt a cat that could keep me some company. I think this will be good for me. I think I am going to adopt a cat",Depression +14384,"I get advice all the time. They really do not get I am just not meant to be happy though. I let them give the advice usually and say thank you because they think I am just being an annoying, pessimistic depressed ass if I reply saying that did not work or will not work for me. I have done A huge majority of advice people have said and I am not happy. Like therapy? Did it. medications? Did it. go outside and meet good people? Did it.working out? did it, got fit, still depressed.Quit my addictions like video games and porn? Did it. get a girlfriend? Did it. The list goes on and on.I am the very definition of a lost because. I laugh because these advices would work on the average person, probably 99 percent of the population, but for me, my brain is so utterly fucked. Which nobody will really understand unless they had it. I was cursed with this shit. I am starting to find it funny when people give me advice for my depression now",Depression +14385,"1) I am going through therapy and we are in the very first few appointments (since beginning of June) to the point where I am comfortable getting even mildly upset/angry/frustrated with her with basic questions like ""When do you think you started having problems identifying emotions?""2) I feel like I have this deadline over my head with marriage and children and happy family, and I do want a child but I do not want to bring them into my chaos and to be able to love them and nurture them fully because I did not get that3) My job sucks. I was in the ER recently with suicidal ideation just as a precaution like ""Well shit I better go before I do something dumb"", paper scrubs, paper plates, sitters who want to make conversation and you are just praying the psych gets to you before the dude who is throwing shit. And I told my psych what I do for a living and he is like ""I have heard, through the grapevine, that is not nursing. that is barely reaching what you could be. And from what I am hearing, you want to be a lot more.""4) Chronic absenteeism. Because I am depressed. Because I do not have the will to literally live and it is a coin flip if I want to help other people!!! And my thinking is ""Well, change your environment so you are more challenged and intellectually engaged because clearly that is not happening at your current job"" and then my boss hints she is not going to recommend me if I try and apply for patient care positions within our system... Which lands me in the hole for $10,000 for an unfulfilled sign on bonusSo yeah. I have got a roof over my head. My partner is barely hanging on and letting me stay in his house ""our house""I did go fishing by myself this past weekend, where I got all the things, I packed them into my car, I planned for partner and myself to go, but then he got sick so I just went by myself because there was no other time besides this past weekend. Oh yeah, my dad who is been estranged from me since I was 14 is coming up to visit on Friday for a full week. I am going through a lot of mental energy and I do not think I am realizing it",Depression +14386,"i just do not want to wake up. i do not even want to sleep. nothing good is coming. I am alone, I am desperate , nothing feels real anymore. I am already kept pushing so long just for it to fall apart over and over I am so tired i do not want to keep on i just wwnt to stop but i keep moving and working and trying to talk to people and its led to this. nothing I am empty but for reget and shame about who i am what i want and all i have not done. i do not see a reason to push on , i do not have anything to look forward to, just another day where I am not enough for anyone not even myself. i do not see a difference between tomarrow yesterday or the day before its all the same feeling , i want it to end. i want to be able to tell myself i did enough, i held out long enough, that its ok to just give in, but i always feel like tomorrow could be the day something changes, if i just push a bit more i can be happy. i honestly hate it. i just want to stop I just want to stop",Depression +14387,"It just makes me want to kill myself. They just say you should be more grateful that you have a roof over your head and everything like that. All it does is invalidates people's feelings. People treat you like you are too emotional, too negative, and ungrateful. People are against people like me. They do not like you. I am just going to kill myself if people treat me like this. When people call you ungrateful",Suicidal +14388,"my girlfriend has always had some form of anxiety and depressive episodes. she hates the way she looks and refuses to leave the house due to public/ other people just give her panic attacks etc so I am also unable to see her. she also refuses to tell anyone as she sees herself as a burden, a waste of time and thinks it is embarrassing. I love her n want the best for her so I know she needs help but it is hard to get it her when she somewhat refuses. I do not know what she suffers from its clearly a form of anxiety I assume but what else does this sound like and any solutions to any of these problems are welcomed my girl is not okay",Depression +14389,"I never really enjoyed my life, but it was manageable. My father is a royal asshole, my mother did not intervene. My behavior was to blame according to them, it never occured to them it was a response to their shitty parenting. Of course i was bullied daily, which did not stop for about 12 years.In all this i was alone, and i broke 8 years ago. Major depression. I was not able to continue my education. I tried working, but cannot deal with the pressure. The things I used to love are empty and unfullfilling. I have been to all kinds of therapy, but nothing works. By now at least i know what is wrong with me, chronic childhood trauma.My last resort is going to a mental hospital, but if that fails i just do not know what to do anymore.I am a 26y/o man, and I feel like i never even started living, but only ever survived. it is taken 8 years of my life, with no prospect of getting better... I am close to just giving up.",Depression +14390,"This song makes me sad but the feeling is a little soothing. I sleep to it and just takes the pain away. If it helps you, give it a try. Breaking Benjamin - Without You",Depression +14391,"I purchased a gun a couple weeks ago with the intent of planting a round in my head. Today marked the end of the 10 day waiting period, and the approval of the background check. I raced over to pick it up this morning, and for the first time in awhile, I felt strangely relieved and at peace knowing come nightfall my plans would be carried to fruition. Tbh I thought I would have done it by now. I tried to write my goodbyes to the few loved ones I care about, but the words continue to elude me. Now I am stuck surfing this sub, racking the slide, pressing the cold steel to my temple, and pulling, and repeating. The mag is in my other hand, I keep loading and unloading it. I am just a few more steps away. I hate now that I am in the final stretch, I feel riddled with fear, doubt, and hesitation. But I guess it is inevitable. If it was that easy to override our basic survival instinct, half of us would not still be on this thread. Oh well, even if I do not overcome it tonight, at least I have secured the means for my end, I am sure it will not be too much longer. I press it against my temple",Suicidal +14392,"Is there anyone out there? I am tired of waking up everyday to nothing. I am tired being ignored and feeling like I do not matter. For fucks sake, is it too much to ask for just to feel like I matter sometimes? It does not even have to be all the time, just like once a month or something. I do not know, I try to not let it get to me, and I do a great job at hiding all of my feelings and keeping this act up that everything is fine and I am perfectly ok with the fact that I do not matter, but sometimes it gets to me. I guess that is what is happening right now, its just getting to me is all. I know they say love yourself and all of that bullshit, but god damn. When no one cares, its hard to do that. Even the people that are supposed to care no matter what, unconditionally or whatever, your family, your parents. When they do not even care, how the fuck am I supposed to care? I am just a product of their stupid actions, an accident. Shit they remind me all the time anyways. They set me up for failure, then they blame me for being a failure. I mean it is my fault I am a failure, do not get me wrong, I could just keep pretending like nothing bothers me and I have no needs or wants or anything, and just keep going, or I could just give in and stop hurting every day. I just want the pain to stop really. I want to feel accepted to someone, 1 person. It does not take much to make me happy, really, honestly I am super easy to please, but nothing is not cutting it anymore. This world feels so empty and cold",Depression +14393,"I do not condone, so please do not do that, but cutting myself and my soon-to-be suicide had made me feel in control again. I was deeply hurt, angry and upset over a thing I did not want to see and hurtful words from a dear person (I knew I was wrong, but seeing how harsh they words were, I realized that I should get rid of myself).So I hurt myself and it felt so fucking good. I could only focus on the physical pain instead of my emotional pain and hurt feelings, the blood coming out of It. Then it came the shame and regret, but still they were better than my original feelings. I can see why people get addicted to it. Anyway, my self harm will not fix the disgrace I am, so all it turns back to killing myself. And I will not give up now.I pretty much want to say sorry to all I hurt, but I doubt people who I hurt will read that. And I am really thankful for the good moments the people I love gave me, but they are just a little ray of sunshine in what could be considered a tempest. I pretty much stopped caring about anything, so I now I have to destroy the fucking failure I am. The only thing that keeps me on is the deep regret of not ending things earlier, especially after losing everything. Goodbye.I just wish I was not an unloveable, worthless freak that hurts people and no ones cares for. For the first time in a long period, I have felt in control again",Suicidal +14394,"I have flirted with the concept of suicide for most of my life. I have even experienced brief bouts of ""suicidal ideation"" all which manifested themselves in response to something or someone. All brashly reactionary. And if I am being radically honest with myself, I believe I would have been too scared to actually follow through with the act, had I a means of ending it during those very brief stints. As silly as this sounds, it helped a lot that I saw myself as... real. I was a real person. Like, I was [full name redacted]. I had hobbies. I had talents. I had upcoming trips on my calendar. I had obligations which I actually excelled at showing up for. I had the makings of a future. There were people who were active in my life and I in theirs. I did not hate myself. I was actually an alright person for a minute there...Oh but being talented and having hobbies and having a supportive circle of people who value me as much as I do, them, etc... Sure. Those things should absolutely *not* be taken for granted but of course that is not the same as being mandatory prerequisites in order to have a future worth living to see to it is natural end. But then, as it always does, stuff happened: life happened.. and blah blah blah. Still though, I suppose I should not use the phrasing ""-but then,"" since I was just about the same as before with regard to how I thought about the topic of suicide. It was merely something I tried to understand but could not, for the simple fact that I was not actually a suicidal person; thus there existed a mental block of sorts preventing my mind from fully going there and grasping the concept to my satisfaction.**Now fast forward to... Lately.** I... must have crossed a line of sorts somewhere, somehow. Maybe the losses in my life are piling too high, maybe my agoraphobic tendencies which keep me isolated from the world are doing some fucked up shit to my brain, maybe its that I have been battling an IV heroin addiction for years, to the extent I cannot recognize myself. What I *do* know iswhen I come across the subject of suicide in any context and by anyoneit's not fear or unease that surfaces within me (at least not initially, these emotions do come up though in response to my lack of being afraid of the act of suicide). Nor is it innocent introspection, pondering about when my husband committed suicide a decade ago now No... instead I experience an anticipatory... excitement? The sensation is very similar to that feeling you may get when you are underwater, you know you will be able to come up for air soon, however you cannot just yet. **it is frenzied eagerness for relief... I guess even at the cost of yanking a steering wheel, or finding a vein to pump a lethal amount of opioids into.***The internal monologue basically goes something like""... FINALLY it will stop, at last the loudness will end, the sharp edges of existence will cease, and I will experience the epitome of true nothingness. or in other words: paradise.""* Read Before I Go",Suicidal +14395,"we are not too well-off to afford other things, and also not poor enough to qualify for government help. My parents can barely send me to college. I badly want to die. Sometimes i blame my parents for giving birth to me when they cannot support my education. we have been living like this since I was born and we never had a moment of stability. it is always like ""will we have food today? or someone will not eat breakfast again?"" I am so tired. I cannot even get a scholarship because my school is not one of those ""elite"" highschools that universities acknowledges. I just want to die to end this continues train of sufferings. I just turned 18 and here I am working for other people that should have supported me instead. I cannot even have a decent job because i did not graduate on anything.If I will forever be stuck in this life, I just want to disappear... Poverty makes me want to ""unlive"" myself.",Depression +14396,"News flash, it does not. I tried attempting suicide in September 2020 and I remember waking up in the A&E crying my eyes out, telling the doctors why did I have to wake up when I was finally at peace. The doctors hardly cared, they just told me to 'move on' and said things like 'so that is why you are killing yourself?' and invalidated my emotions and struggles since I was a child. it is July 2021 and I still wish I never woke up. All my friends ended up cutting ties with me, my own family keeps hitting me and telling me they give up on taking care of me because I am a lost because. My mother has still refused to talk to me and plans to send me to an asylum because she does not want any responsibility of me anymore. And that is when I calmed down. I calmed down because I have nothing else to lose and I truly do not have to worry about anymore what ifs. This is it. I finally stopped crying because I finally made up my mind and I feel so at peace with it. The biggest lie anyone told me is that things will get better",Suicidal +14397,"I woke up again today. At first I felt really nice, but then I understand for what I am really devastated and I am really f*cking sad. I just do not want to live anymore. I love this girl so much and I cannot accept my rejection because she want another guy. I need something to cheer me up not like a friend, booze, a doctor but someone to really say to me that she love me, to give a hug, to cry someone who really loves me for what I am I am devastated",Suicidal +14398,"that is the word Id use in my situation, because well today I think I have really hit rock bottom, I am not sad but I am not happy either, I am just, here, I do not feel anything maybe I should but I just do not. Its so bizarre and crazy how just one bad thing after another can come without hesitation nor mercy and its fucking relentless and does not give in until your at the point where you just want to fucking grab a gun and blow your brains out because you are literally going insane by the minute. I do not even know if I should be writing this, but I mean my therapist is fucking useless and I have tried everything else but not this, I guess I just want to atleast talk to people that actually KNOW what its like to feel like this. And then maybe I guess when something like that happens my brain will get that little false sense of hope and then I hope maybe everything might be ok again for atleast five minutes. Honestly I just cannot do this shit anymore but I got to pretend I am all well because I do not want to feel like a burden to my family and friends thus why I a sad individual is just trying to hope that he can seek some help or advice I guess from his fellow sad individuals. Wow",Depression +14399,Just walking next to a Lake with people kayaking.I would love to do it and I remember the time my 7 year older friend (I was 14 though) and I went kayaking and it was loads of fun. But since then I have not found and Single Person who wants to these kinds of things with me.Makes me feel sad to watch. I walk around and everything just reminds me of not being able to do any of the activities because I have no one I feel comfortable with and who feels comfortable with me,Suicidal +14400,"I have flirted with the concept of suicide for most of my life. I have even experienced brief bouts of ""suicidal ideation"" all which manifested themselves in response to something or someone. All brashly reactionary. And if I am being radically honest with myself, I believe I would have been too scared to actually follow through with the act, had I a means of ending it during those very brief stints. As silly as this sounds, it helped a lot that I saw myself as... real. I was a real person. Like, I was [full name redacted]. I had hobbies. I had talents. I had upcoming trips on my calendar. I had obligations which I actually excelled at showing up for. I had the makings of a future. There were people who were active in my life and I in theirs. I did not hate myself. I was actually an alright person for a minute there...Oh but being talented and having hobbies & having a supportive circle of people who value me as much as I do, them, etc... Sure. Those things should absolutely *not* be taken for granted but of course that is not the same as being mandatory prerequisites in order to have a future worth living to see to it is natural end. But then, as it always does, stuff happened: life happened.. and blah blah blah. Still though, I suppose I should not use the phrasing ""-but then,"" since I was just about the same as before with regard to how I thought about the topic of suicide. It was merely something I tried to understand but could not, for the simple fact that I was not actually a suicidal person; thus there existed a mental block of sorts preventing my mind from fully going there and grasping the concept to my satisfaction.**Now fast forward to... Lately.** I... must have crossed a line of sorts somewhere, somehow. I know this because, when I come across the subject of suicide in any context & by anyone, it is not fear or unease that surfaces within me (at least not initially, these emotions do come up though in response to my lack of being afraid of the act of suicide)it is also not even innocent introspection, pondering about when my husband committed it a decade ago no.. instead I experience an anticipatory... excitement? it is very similar to that feeling you get when you are underwater and you know that you will be able to come up for air soon, but not just yet. it is frenzied eagerness for relief.. I guess even at the cost of yanking a steering wheel, or finding a vein to pump a lethal amount of opioids into. *The internal monologue basically goes something like""... FINALLY it will stop, at last the loudness will end, the sharp edges of existence will cease, and I will experience the epitome of true nothingness. or in other words: paradise.""* Before I Go",Suicidal +14401,"I spend so much time alone, wishing I had friends and could go out and do things with other people, but then whenever I do actually spend time with people I always end up getting blackout drunk and acting like a complete idiot. I woke up today not really remembering what I did last night, just knowing it was bad and I was a fucking mess. I have woken up so many times with this same feeling. I am plagued with anxiety about all the nights of my life I have sketchy memories of. How did I get home? Did I do something bad? Was something bad done to me? Why am I bleeding? Did I sprain my ankle? Was I flirting with that girl/guy? Did I try to kiss them? That sort of thing. Stupid decisions (if you can call them that...) after too much booze that I will spend the rest of my life worrying about and ruminating over. I should have learned better by now, but on the rare occasion that someone invites me to do doing something social it is always the pub, and one drink to calm my nerves about being outside in the world soon turns into one too many and me crying or falling over or trying to kiss someone I am not even attracted to just to feel something.The solution is surely to stop drinking, right? I wish it was that easy. I wish this drunken idiocy was my biggest problem but it is just one way of ""coping"" with the depressed, anxious, lonely existence my life has become. I hate myself. I hate everything I am and everything I have done. And I hate everyone else too, and society and the world as a whole. I have been suicidal on-and-off for over a decade. I try to convince myself to keep going but experiences like this just remind me that I am not meant for this life and it is not meant for me. I do not have any friends, and when people try to be my friend I either ghost them or do something to piss them off while intoxicated, because I cannot soxialize sober. I am so done",Depression +14402,"I feel really low lately. I am 26 yo female, and I just feel like I am just here on this earth without having asked to exist. Not wanting to. I hate myself for having certain people in my life, keeping certain people in my life, ever having some people in my life, the way I am at work, the way I am at home, my inability to guide myself through life, my hostile attitude and anger management but also my quiet anger in public. I feel like people walk all over me. I have much to be grateful for like parents who support me, dogs, nice housing because I live with my parents...which makes me hate myself that I feel so sad and empty all the time despite having all those mentioned to be grateful for. I cannot settle on a career, I have been in school nonstop since kindergarten, and I have changed from veterinarian to PA to RN to now just wanting to quit everything. Now I have a biology degree and work in a lab while in nursing school but I am not happy. I would not say I am doing particularly well in nursing school either nor am I enjoying the idea of being a nurse. I want to live out my life with little consequence. Give dogs a home and take care of my parents until my time comes. I am essentially doing what I am doing for monetary stability in order to do the above. But I lack friends, direction, and passion in my life. I guess as opposed to the average late 20s post grad. I also have this debilitating inability to let things go... past trauma, anger, sadness, bad people in my life TLDR; I am lonely and lack direction in my life. I am unhappy going to school for nursing but scared to leave as I have no other goals. I am working in a job using my first bachelors degree that I am unhappy in. I feel isolated and without friends and strongly incapable to connect with people at work or school. My parents are retiring and I want to get my shit together before they need me to support them in their old age.Have you ever felt like this? What got you through? What would be my next steps? Loser in life",Depression +14403,"I am just. This is not a feeling at all. I just feel so out of body. I fucking hate it. No creativity, no comfort. I feel so weak and empty and just alone. I am sad I have nothing in me to create or interact or anything. I cannot even write. I cannot make a poem too. Or draw. I hate it I am just so frusturated",Suicidal +14404,"Every single thing that has happend to me since childhood has caused me PAIN. I believe everytime that things will change for better but they end up hurting me the most. And the worst part is I cannot even kill myself bc I would put my parents in depression. Why do I have to witness all this pain with no where to go. If there is anyone as said God, please for once, please take me away. I have waited for you to bring the magical change in life only to realize everything I ever gotten so far is also going to because me pain for eternity. Please take me away! I get that I do not deserve to live, but do not I atleast deserve to die",Suicidal +14405,"I am a heavy lover. Recently got my heart broken about 6 months ago and cannot stop thinking back to the love and mistakes that were made let us not get things twisted though, the other side of the story is not pretty at all and I was not treated well so idk why I am feeling bad for myself or whatever There is this one mistake I made before we started even dating and asking her to be my GF though that has been getting to me We met at college and everyone had graduated now and gone separate ways but when we first hooked up, 2 of my buddies asked me if we had went all the way and I spilled the tea and said yes. But I messed up when I also revealed she had a fishy smell that I noticed and just cannot stop hating myself for it. I think this girl truly knows how to make guys be in a depressive state and get her way no matter what because I could not be myself and constantly judged so made me act strange. I have a heart and know that is not morally correct or smart to do, but we actually were in love for 2 years and she hurt me that lead to us breaking up eventually and stuff but randomly I have thought of this time of mistake and cannot come to terms with being okay or forgetting even though nobody ever found out and we were not dating or in love yet Idk if I am depressed, but def struggling",Depression +14406,"My dog recently died and i feel way worse than before, i know i used to hate myself, but since he died, i feel like i fell down a spiral of pain, i really feel bad, i really want to kill myself but i also do not, i hate myself My dog died",Depression +14407,I am in so much fucking pain I just wish I could die my life gets more painful every day dying is more realistic than my dreams My life just gets worse,Depression +14408,"I have enough goodies to play santa claus but no reindeer came my way so slay me and maybe I will have a good day I am totally alone and would like someone to share life stories no fear, send each other pics and links",Suicidal +14409,"I have had suicidal thoughts for most of my life and I assume like many other people, I never really talked to anybody about it. I gave some hints here and there over the years, but most of it was brushed off so for a long time I just thought it was normal. I never actually attempted anything, but I planned a lot of it and started making a draft for my suicide letters. I promised myself that I would not actually do anything until I finished them, but always broke down as I wrote those so they never got finished. Most of this happened in middle school and high school. I am now in my last term of college about to get my bachelors. I have gotten a lot better over the years, but I can feel myself slipping more and more over this last year or so. I have just spent the last couple days disassociating in bed and I am sure everyone just thinks I am being a flake, and I guess I am, but I am just trying to make sure I do not slip back to where I use to be. Like I do not have time to deal with this, I am in my last freaking term, but I feel like I am getting closer and closer to the edge of a meltdown. I do not know. I do not want to die. I just feel so lost right now and death just sounds so heartbreakingly sweet. Relapsing",Suicidal +14410,but I do not think I will kill myself I want to die,Depression +14411,So fucking done,Suicidal +14412,"How not to kill myself, from today I will be alone again in my apartment. cannot be around people, they either hurt me too much or I am too depressing to them, that means not talking to anyone. Live in a small town with nothing to do. I do not plan on really eating either. Should I just sleep? Thanks. Asking a tip to survive at least for a couple of days",Suicidal +14413,Last night the my dog was poisoned... and i do not know how to deal with it. it is so unfair. He never ever hurt anyone he was a giant with the biggest and softest heart. He was not even 3 yet. Just typing this is making me cry my eyes out and i cannot stop. Knowing he will never come home again and I will never be able to throw him a ball again.. breaks my heart My dog was poisoned,Depression +14414,"20(M) My phone is always in silence, I do not even know why I have one. Nobody ever reaches to me unless they want to get something out of me.it is been like that since I can remember, people come and go, and they always take something for me. I have never been pick in gruop activities, nor the person that comes to mind when you are throwing a party or something like that. So I decided that if I going to be tool the rest of my life, I am going to be the best at it. Want me to do your homework? Got it. Want me to buy you something? do not worry. Use me to your heart content.If I am not going to be able to be happy, or even be consider a person, why bother with everything else? Maybe I have the wrong approch here, but I do not know what else to do. I never have been happy, I am starting to think that it is to late for me I am a tool, not a person.",Depression +14415,"I have been really long fucking overdue for a good hard cry, but it just has not come. Last time I really cried hard was like maybe a year ago I think, best I can do is get slightly teary. For whatever reason my physiology is such that crying just does not come to me very easily. I hate it, I want that cathartic release, I want to completely embrace how fucking terrible my life is and how much I fucking hate myself. In need of a good cry",Depression +14416,"We need to stop pretending like it will. Playing the distraction game to kill the time until the universe decides to deal us out a new hand is not a sustainable idea. Odds are good that if we do not choose to get better, do not choose to alter the path were on in favor of ourselves, that these lives we lead full of pain and regret will continue the way they have been heading. (A downward spiral.) We get on average 75 years on this planet. that is it. it is time to decide for ourselves what is worth our attention. Decide what is worthwhile to you, what in life is worth the time and effort you would use to accomplish the goals you want to achieve. What actions can you engage in that would truly give you a sense of fulfillment based on your principles and morals, instead of based on what is good for your wallet or your social standing. We all want to be loved, but it is hard to love someone who hates themself. Make the choice to improve yourself, it is possible to change the people we are It will not get better by itself.",Suicidal +14417,i want to swallow the whole bottle of bleach. i want to slit my neck open. i hate this so much i hate it i hate it I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE WHY cannot I BE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING???????? IO cannot I HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. THIS IS FUCKING IT. MY LAST GODDAMN FUCKING MESSAGE BEFORE MY FUCKING DEATH. just. no. no no no no no. why. fucking why.,Suicidal +14418,"Hello, before I start, I am not a native english speaker so I may make mistakes in my text, please do not mind.I'm17, andit'sbeena fewyearsI'mdealingwithdepression.It started because of my family.I stopped talking to my dad at 10, and my mom is not bad but she is alcoholic and maybe has mental disorders.Last year, I began my studies, and I ran away at the other side of France because I could not support it anymore, especially after the lockdown.Ithas beenreally,reallyhard tostaywithmymomathomefor 5months.Indeed,schoolwashelpingme toseeotherpeopleandjust...do not be depressed.Ihadmany mental breakdowns, even atschool,Ihadaboyfriendthat almost raped me andtook advantageofmysituation.Butmylastyear was incredible.I started to talk to people.I love my new studies, and being far away of every one of my problems for 10 months helped me so much.But now there are the summer holidays,Ihavetostaybymymomuntil September.Ihadn't the choice to come back or not,shehadalreadysaid thatshewantsto kill herself a fewtimes,Idon'twanther tomakemistakes.it is been only a week, and I just cannot do anything.I am laying on my bed all day.I have not even the energy to eat.it is been maybe 3 days I have not ate anything.I am trying to tell my friends, but I do not know how...Ican keep writing and erasing messages forhours,Idon'tknowhow totellthem.I try to send them memes about depression.I do not really know if it works.I am soafraidof just drop school nextyearbecauseI'mtootired.I want to try to talk to a doctor, but my mother always has laugh on my condition, she says I am just playing a comedy, and I cannot see a doctor without her.I really do not know what to do.I do not know what I am expecting in publishing this here.I just cannot kill myself.I have been so happy lastyear, itwould just be a waste, and I do not want my friends being sad, but I am praying to be killed by anything accidentally that is so ridiculous.I'mreallysorry,thanksforreadingme. I think I have to talk of my depression to somebody, so I am trying here",Depression +14419,"I did the best I have ever done yesterday. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, meditated for 20 whole minutes, walked for almost an hour, made a schedule for myself, morning, nightly and weekly. I did all the things I set out to do.But around early evening things took a turn for the worst. The nukes began dropping in my head. You cannot stay like this, you will never achieve anything, you are not worthy of love, you are not even worthy of being acknowledged, you are a pointless enigma, you are hopeless, you will never be anything more than a failure, you cannot get it right, you will fall, you should just end this, give up, no one could ever love you, just end this, you cannot escape the pain, you cannot deny reality, you cannot do anything, you should just end this.Combined with the siphoning of the worth of my deeds, how pathetic my attempts were in reality, the pressure inside my head, my heart like a sack of stones. it is been present now for about 6 hours. I did manage to get myself to sleep for about 7 hours in there.But as soon as I awoke, those thoughts were right there, the heaviness in my chest, this overwhelming sense that I just cannot escape reality. That I have lost everything and I will always be bound to lose whatever I try to build.I try to remember my therapy tools. I try to just breathe, acknowledge how bad it hurts and just let it be. Try not to fight it. But it just keeps screaming inside that I am just an empty monster pretending to be human.Seems my depression was more than ready to strike me down. To try to convince me of how hopeless the remainder of my life truly is. All the things I have been forced to miss, things I cannot let go of. My children. How I failed them. All of this pain, all of the regrets, all of that loss. Just more nuclear bombs going off inside my mind. In all of it I wish I could just scream but I cannot. I wish I could cry but I cannot. The pain is so total, the destruction of my mind seemingly complete. As the fallout begins to rain down. I want to believe, this seperate entity from my mind, this ""me"". The fractures and fault lines seem to vast to repair. In all of it, I suppose I should at least be grateful that I have therapy in about 4 hours.Though I am not sure what I am really doing beyond wasting my therapist's time. It all feels so inevitable and I try to convince myself it will pass. I try to say maybe it is not as bad as my mind is making it out to be. I try to fight this war through kindness but I feel I am failing, just as I always have done. I can(t)",Depression +14420,"I am a monster, I need to say it somewhere and online where no one knows me seems like the best way, I heard voices for 7 years of my life I fear every day they will come back I cannot preform basic things others find easy and all I want is to hurt others and to feel pain myself. I want to die to never have to worry about hurting anyone ever again but it dosent feel right, I am trying to be good, I may be bad deep down but if I never act on it maybe I can help others. But it hurts i cannot keep a job because I will pass out or feel nothing but pain till I am away from everything, I just feel like a useless piece of shit, maybe I am autistic would that just make me more faulty, I have started having cuts pop up on my body I do not even remember doing it I have never been a cutter. Maybe I wou I do not know. My parents hate me. Why am I like this why am I not normal. I do not want to take pills that is not really me it is a fake. I need to say something somewhere",Suicidal +14421,No it fucking does not. I have been hearing this my entire life and it still has not gotten any better. If anything life as an adult is even more depressing. How long is it going to take? 'It gets better',Depression +14422,"Anyone else feel like that it is going to end one of two ways? Old, alone, full of regrets. The only accomplishment to your name that you served some kind of cosmic penance. That or giving in and blowing your own brains out the way you have always visualized. Maybe writing a note for someone. Idk personally I am really starting to lean one way. I am just tired. Weighing the options",Suicidal +14423,I cannot sleep. I am constantly sick to my stomach. My fucking ribs are broken. Every time I close my eyes I face the man who abused me for weeks. My life now is fear and that is it. that is all that I have in my life. Why would I want to live in fear forever? I cannot take this I just want to fucking die,Suicidal +14424,"I am looking for an escape from my day to day routine, I would like to find somewhere to stay without internet and be put to work. I am a 30 yr old video game addict and overweight, i work full time and find it hard to want to do anything besides work and play video games and sleep. I have tried quitting and I always get bored and cave in to eating or gaming. I have lost 170lbs previously and gained it all back now and lack the motivation now to do it again. Does anyone know of something I can do or where I can go to take off work and focus on my physical and mental health? Escape from my day to day life",Depression +14425,it is depressing to know that I actually feel lonely so bad. I did not even notice that I have been being like that before I get physical symtoms. How stupid.. How can I be so crucial to myself? I want to quit eveything. I feel sick of everything. When could I let myself go away from this world,Depression +14426,"My girlfriend is suicidal and i just want to help , i do not know what to do , where to start , but we have been dating for almost 2 years , i show her every amount of love and support i can and always listen and be there for her but she says its pointless. She is it does not matter what i say because she is tired of living and I am not even worth living for, i just want to be able to talk her out of it as best as i can but it seems she is thought of everything and still wants to kill herself. she is stubborn and in this case its a bad thing, and i just i could change her mind but then she says, its my choice. And i do not even know what to do , we had plans for the future, i was going to get her a promise ring this winter Help.",Suicidal +14427,"there is about 10+ flies in my room rn. My room is not SUPER dirty but it is dirty. I hear them flying around living in the trash that I live in. My mind is no better. My life is no better. I am not normal. Yes there is such thing as normal. I am not that. Ill be a loner and outcast, virgin, forever. I hate how I look. I look like an ugly 12 year old (I am 21) despite any muscle I have gained. Depression killed my sex drive so even if I were to get laid it would not be enjoyable and I would not be able to get hard or last long. I am grumpy always and not happy and never will be. Professional helps been useless. kEEp tRyIng they say. False hope and condescending words is all I am given. I dislike people. I am bitter and angry. Very stupid too depression makes you stupid. Or maybe that is just me. Fun",Depression +14428,"I am just curious, do you think these 2 things are related? So for example, if someone lives in southern California or coastal Spain, where the sun is out most of the year and the weather is quite warm and pleasant, are they 'happier' than someone who lives somewhere with 4 proper seasons (including winter with clouds/some snow, etc.)? let us just say these people (in either location) are fairly happy in their jobs/careers/lives and are paid a decent amount to enjoy a middle to upper middle class life.Is anyone in this subreddit reading this, living in such a place with year round mostly warm, sunny weather? If so, how is this life exactly? Are you happier living in such a place? Or not. I suppose this can all be very individual. I am just wondering if living in such an environment could make someone 'happier'.If you Google what are the happiest countries in the world, all of these countries listed are in climates with 4 seasons and some pretty harsh winters. Interesting:**The 10 Happiest Countries in the World:** **Finland. For the fourth year in a row, Finland is number one when it comes to happiness.** **Denmark. Denmark remained in the number two spot this year. ...** **Switzerland. ...** **Iceland. ...** **Netherlands. ...** **Norway. ...** **Sweden. ...** **Luxembourg. ...** Happiness and weather/sun",Depression +14429,I honestly do not want closure or anything. I am going to do it. I guess I want someone to know. Just kidding. Made you click. Eat it. F you I just want to die. I am most likely going to end it all tomorrow,Suicidal +14430,"I have been thinking more about self harm. When I find it hard to sleep I think about the box cutter in my drawer next to my bed and I like to imagine cutting myself. Thinking about things like how I could make a show out of me dying and I can make it all dramatic and saddening and eventful and make the people who knew me hurt even if its only for a little bit and they will forget me and live normally like I never existed. I have had these thoughts for years but they have gotten more realistic lately.I have not done anything yet because I am a coward, but it just keeps coming to mind. Its not even out of a huge hatred for myself or others. I do not even hate my life, but I have just felt like nothing matters and nothing will ever matter for me. I do not hate anyone or myself. I just think I do not matter. there is no point to any of this.I do not think Ill be dead soon. Or even hurt in any way. I hate pain. But if anyone has something interesting or life changing to say I want to hear it. I want something to matter before its too late I do not know",Suicidal +14431,"it is like an endless road of misery and no matter how much I try to take another path, I end up there every single time, I am completely hopeless at this point and I give up This darkness keeps getting darker and darker everyday",Depression +14432,"it is been a bit since I posted. I was doing good working a new job, thought it would last but it does not look good. there is a million reasons I just want to stay in bed and not do anything, but there is something in me telling me that I have to go to work and grind or else something bad will happen. I am so depressed that the only reason I have to work is for money to pay rent, and I can barely hold on to my sanity right now I feel the existential dread coming on",Depression +14433,"there is absolutely no point of my existence and no I cannot find a reason or purpose or whatever the fuck that is, I am a prisoner in this cursed house because of my fucking family and I even became a prisoner of all these dark thoughts in my head, I have so many issues both physically and emotionally and most of them will not ever change, I am all alone literally I have no friends anymore, not even one and obviously my family's the absolute worst, what am I doing here then? Why should I stay while I cannot even simply live?? The pain is becoming more unbearable everyday and I am so genuinely tired I am not even living anymore, I am just breathing and suffering",Suicidal +14434,Maybe unpopular but I rather see memes about my as well as others on here that share my current predicament than someone reaching out to talk about One more post for tonight,Suicidal +14435,"Hi my name is Francisco I am 15yo and for a long time now basically always before falling asleep (and sometimes when I wake up as well) I question myself question like if I had a rope or a gun right now would I kill myself and a lot of times I say yes but normally only happens in those moments and then I go on with my day normally.So I wanted your opinion to know if this is a sign of depression or my teenage head doing shit Ps. If I somehow offended someone I am sry Is this ""normal"" or should I go treat myself?",Suicidal +14436,Do i just have a very severe case or am i just a loser? How do people deal with this for years?,Depression +14437,"Every day for the past month I have basically just been trying to run out the clock. I scroll on my phone all day to get the thoughts out of my head because I do not want to kill myself and I am trying to just let myself live long enough until one day I feel better. But how long is that even going to take? I am just wasting my life distracting myself when I really should have just killed myself years ago. I do not even deserve to be on this planet, I do not contribute to anything. lm boring, I am dumb, I hurt the people around me. Can someone just give me a reason to hold on? Its so tiring to have to keep finding new ways to convince myself to keep going every five minutes. I do not want to die but I am so sick of waiting for things to get better",Suicidal +14438,"My marriage is broken and I do not know how to fix it. One mistake brought us to drugs to cope, that brought on more and more drugs, then the abuse started. It started so long ago j do not even know which way is up anymore. My husband is slowly but surely becoming a monster and I do not know what to do or say. I am the monster who turned him into a monster and now I cannot escape. I cannot turn back, I cannot move forward. I just want to die. Fucking fuck",Depression +14439,I am just waiting for my mom to pass away so I can eventually do it. Probably not immediately after her death more sporadic like most suicides. It would be easier. Dad would not give a shit because he got my sister who he is proud of. I am the bastard of the family to him. Anyone like this in that you will not do it because of a love one still here and do not want to upset them? Fuck it,Suicidal +14440,"Everything i say gets deleted but, I genuinely do, i really really want to kill myself, but i also do not, i live a loving life, but i hate myself horribly, i cut myself just because of routine i feel now, that is why i like baths, it cleans them and makes them less visible so my family does not notice/ask, just kill me I hate myself",Depression +14441,"My family always tells me I can talk to them but whenever I do they take it as an attack and they get passive aggressive. I might as well just do it, its not like they will feel bad about it anyway. Done.",Suicidal +14442,"Welp I am home alone blasting music from the TV laying on the floor thinking of dying. ""Should i kms tho?"" ""I probably should."" ""But what about my friends?"" ""Eh they will probably be fine"" etc that is what I have been thinking for half an hour now. :/ everything sucks so much ass rn i hate it- i should most likely just kms already but it will hurt like shit Damn.",Suicidal +14443,"Hello, I have decided to not kill myself today, and I am going to keep track of the things I have done since. I have got enough time to prove myself right, hopefully its not wasted. I am going to continue to write out my days warts & all until I feel like my life is worth living or if I decide otherwise. Hope whoever is reading this comes along the journey, I just do not want to feel alone anymore. Day #1 07/20/2021 3:11AM CST",Suicidal +14444,"Day #1Decided to not kill myself today, and I am going to keep track of the things I have done since. I have got enough time to prove myself right, hopefully its not wasted. I am going to continue to write out my days warts & all until I feel like my life is worth living or if I decide otherwise. Hope whoever is reading this comes along the journey, I just do not want to feel alone anymore. Day #1 07/20/2021 3:09AM CST",Suicidal +14445,I need to know Where is the exit,Suicidal +14446,I am really close to killing myself right now. I do not want to be on this earth with people who only want to be my friend. I need someone to hold me at night and to actually be there for me when I am going to do it Help me please,Suicidal +14447,"Decided to not kill myself today, and I am going to keep track of the things I have done since. I have got enough time to prove myself right, hopefully its not wasted. I am going to continue to write out my days warts & all until I feel like my life is worth living or if I decide otherwise. Hope whoever is reading this comes along the journey, I just do not want to feel alone anymore. 07/20/2021 3:08AM CST Day #1",Suicidal +14448,"My parents and family love me, i have an amazing life, many dogs and cats, but i hate myself, and my life, i always think about killing myself,i hate how i look, and all the pain i feel i try to act like it is not there because i do not want anyone to notice. I know my brothers are joking when i feel pain or feel bad but it still hurts me, what should i do? Why am i like how i am?",Depression +14449,"I do not know if a lot of you experience this but nothing infuriates me more when I am having an episode or in a depressive state and I end up having to comfort the person who wants to talk about it with me. I hate hearing I wish you would talk to me/why would not you just talk to meI hate when I open up about how unhappy I am and end up having to walk on eggshells because I do not want to make someone feel like they are not enough reason to be happy in life I hate when people who **know** about how I am still interpret my silence and numb mood as rudeness or not caring, sometimes selfishnessAbove all I hate hearing I do not know what to do anymore, I am trying to help you but- Comforting people for my bad mood",Depression +14450,I want to live. I love living. I just hate who I am. And everyday I try to fix myself but I cannot do it. Everyday and wake up and fight for myself bc I love who I used to be. Now Idek who I am. Its weird man I feel like every day I am fighting for my life.,Suicidal +14451,"I am exhausted of my life, I cannot eat, sleep nor enjoy the things I used to adore. Everyone keeps saying that I should focus on work and do something of myself. I think I am exhausted of trying to. All I want is everything to fucking stop for a moment so I can feel something. I just want to be happy. everything is too much",Depression +14452,"I am a coward. I am afraid of the physical pain I have to put myself through. I already experienced it by the past. But I have to do it today. Otherwise I might back down again and go through more useless months of believing in lies.I am so disappointed in my life. In people. In you princess Rapunzel. I have friends that I am so grateful for. I feel so guilty to leave them behind. But you Princess Rapunzel, you... you are the biggest disappointment of my life. I cannot even hate you, I cannot even hurt you for that I like you too much... No idea why. But damn I wish I could have slapped you so fucking hard right now.I hope that is it for me. I hope this is my last post here. I hope I am never to be seen again. I have to do it today",Suicidal +14453,"Decided to not kill myself today, and I am going to keep track of the things I have done since. I have got enough time to prove myself right, hopefully its not wasted. 07/20/2021 3:00AM CST Day #1",Suicidal +14454,"Background: Last month, my family had some trouble with a gang threat in their neighborhood & I suggested my younger cousin come live with us, considering there was a specific threat made on her life. My parents & her parents refused until she was almost jumped on her way to school. She was scared, is still scared, but now she is home safe with me. Since I suggested she live with us though, I am now financially responsible for myself & her as well. Everything is too much. Everything costs too much. She does not have insurance, I cannot get her insurance, & school is coming up, meaning a physical & a couple vaccinations required for school that Ill have to pay for. School supplies & enrollment fees, as well as everyday lunch money. My parents refuse to help, & there is no one else I can turn to. I feel so numb. she is such an amazing girl but I. cannot support us. I have two jobs & I am looking for a third but I just do not know how I am going to do it. she is so young & scared, & I know that if I hurt myself she will be back in danger but I cannot stop thinking about it. I feel like I am drowning. I feel so tired from working all the time & not making anything remotely close to what we need. she is just a kid, & I cannot put her through this but I have already been self harming & I am a couple bills away from ending all of it. That sounds so dramatic but I used to have a future & now I do not. I cannot risk making a go fund me because it would put us in danger, I cannot ask for money from relatives without feeling guilty, & I do not know what I am supposed to do about college anymore. I used to have a future & now everything I worked for is gone. I love my cousin so much but this is too much. I have to go to bed because I work early in the morning but here I am, awake at two in the morning writing about killing my self to no one rhat cares. NSFW: I am (17f) not ready for a kid (12f)",Suicidal +14455,So I have been depressed since I was 12 and went through sexual abuse all my teen years and my mom was addicted to met and just all that crazy stuff with me falling in love with my moms friends thinking those older men loved me. Anyways I am 18 years old now and I have already attempted suicide 3 times. On Monday night I cut myself really deep for the first time ever and I almost passed out and I threw up. I want to do it again so bad. I just keep panicking every time I get so close. Also would this count as a suicide attempt of what I did last week? God I crave to do it again. I hate myself so much. Conflicting thoughts,Depression +14456,Money is happiness for me. I will never be rich and instead be more in debt and never fulfill my materialistic dreams. I am a failure at academics and a failure at life and a disappointment to my parents. I hate myself. I am the worst,Depression +14457,"Hi, I am Chris and I am 21. I live in Italy and I am new around here. I decided to join because... everything went downhill on these days. I am not sleeping or eating, I am working 24/7 and my body is collapsing slowly. But I could not care less. I need to find some help because I do not think I can resist for long. So, i know this girl since 2015 ish and we fell in love with each other really fast. I am the kind of guy that have that really old mentality where I can only love once. I can still have relationships but I never really loved someone that much. She quickly became my everything and I could not live without her. long story short, I did everything to make her happy and I worked hard for a future together. I promised to myself that this girl, will be the woman that will raise our children with me. I decided that she must be the only girl of my life, no matter what. and then Covid happened. we could not see each other for 6 months because she is nearby my general location but was in another region. So we had to restart after all of this time lost but we had a lot of fights instead and things were not going that well. Then, the worse happened. she was not sure about our relationship because we could not see each other for a lot of time but she told me to remain calm since she still had feeling for me so we will be together again soon. but I am not done yet. while we were in a pause, she met a guy. she was honest with me, I do not hate her. but the sentence changed. we will not be again together. if only we resisted like till her birthday ( a week later ) that me and her family decided to surprise her... we could have been together for like two weeks at least. but no. now she invited that guy, and her family is really sad and worried about me since they became mine family too. and now I am all alone. I still love her so much, I constantly cry about it and I am starting to let my life go. I cannot do a thing bc everything reminds me of her, we did so much together. idk, I do not want to move forward, I just cannot without her. and it is killing me the fact that another guy, even if a friend still, can be with her. but soon they will be together if things go well and I do not want to ever see that day. I am looking for help because a part of me thinks that life matter, the other half just wants to die. idk even know, I am so confused, I cannot explain how depressed I feel, I think about suicide too, I want to stop suffering. thanks a lot for your time, it means a lot to me, I hope the best for each one of you.. it is unbelievable how a single girl could change my life... for ever. plot twist: in a really bad way...",Depression +14458,"I just need someone to talk to it will go no where, Ill probably ghost you. Please? Relapsed. Need to talk. Anyone?",Depression +14459,"Life sucks.There is nothing interesting or exciting anymore. I used to have hobbies that I enjoyed but nowadays it just feels like I am carrying out tasks and feeling numb. I have things to do but I have zero interest to do them so I constantly procrastinate. I wish I could just stay in bed all day and do nothing even though I hate it too. Social life sucks. I have one real friend who lives far away so we do not see that often. I have my parents who live far away too. Apart from that I just have friends who use me. They call me only if they need something and they talk to me like they care but act differently. I have tried to socialize and get to know other people unsuccessfully. I try be kind to everyone and I do not judge people. I hate the way I look and I keep thinking that is the reason why I do not have friends. There are more people in my life but they are not friends, they are just people who I know. If I diseappeared right now my parents would be the only people who would notice that. I do not talk about my feelings to anyone because it would drive them away and I do not want to be a burden. Life sucks and if I could just stop existing if would be great. I do not want to kill myself. Sorry if you read this. This sucks too I do not like living",Depression +14460,"Tell me anything to convince me to mot do it. I screwed up. Big. No, I did not kill anyone, but I RUINED something that was really special for me. It kept me going through 2021 even though NOTHINGS changed from 2020. It was pretty much the only thing keeping me sane, and I FUCKED IT UP. Its gone. Fucking gone.Literally anyone tell me anything to keep me from downing whatever fucking pills I can down. ANYONE. Literally tell me anything.",Suicidal +14461,I am going to kill myself. I am not saying that for attention. I want to kill myself but I am too scared to do it because I feel like I will regret it but I am failing school and I have so much exams and I need to do a presentation in front of my class and I am so fucking nervous I cannot deal will life anymore I am not a hard worker and I hope the other side is better where I do not have to do anything School is too stressful for me,Suicidal +14462,"I had already gone two months ago due to my first cavity being chipped for a long time, and a newly formed cavity.I realized after a bit that 2 of my other teeth were feeling sore at times. Looking closely I could not see any type of hole on my right molar, but my left side had a really tiny one I could not identify take as a concern for immediate action. I also feel sore under a top molar, but I cannot examine it.I am scared of telling my parents about it because fillings are expensive and they have not applied for a new insurance yet. I have neglected my teeth to depression throughout many periods of my life. Going to school in person always forced me to brush because I did not want to have bad breathe around people.Could I have reassurance that everything will be okay? I have two cavities and I feel scared to tell my parents",Depression +14463,"When I am asleep my dreams are perfect. I am happy. Whatever goes wrong in my life is fixed or manageable. I have everything I want. But that means falling asleep crying because I know I do not have those things. And it means waking up distraught because it was all just a dream. I want to sleep forever. I want the afterlife to just be one big dream where I can have the happiness I want but without worrying about waking up. Everyday that passes I want to just wake up the next day and have everything be back to how it was 3 weeks ago and maybe have that be a bad dream instead. Sleep is not even an escape for me anymore because its so temporary. My happiness is always temporary, alseep or awake. The only solace I get is when I am asleep and even then it is a hassle.",Suicidal +14464,"People often say that depression is like a mask or cloak that utterly smothers the real person underneath, and I see that now. I went from a happy, driven and interested person to someone who cannot even keep their room clean and it is destroyed perhaps the best relationship I ever had. I feel like my personality and presence has just done a complete 180 and I am not fun to be around. She had so much patience and so much effort, but she just got a me-shaped disappointment in return. Nothing but anxieties, messy rooms and bare fridges. No joy and interest in the world around me. We could not talk or communicate about anything anymore. I feel like I am just listing through life. I honestly realise that it is better for her that she does not have to burden herself with someone like my current state (I know fully that it is a burden). I just hope that, maybe someday, she can see the ""real"" me again and we can go back to how things were at the beginning. How things were for me in the months before. I guess I am still upset that things had to end this way. it is my fault and I have to live with that. I know I have to improve and I am filled with hope that I can get myself out of this deep pit I find myself in, but part of me is afraid that I will not ever be able to. When depression changes you and pushes others away",Depression +14465,"like any other post in this subreddit, I am going to share my very short story. do not know if this is depression but i just want to let it out and organize my thoughts. I am 13 so my family kind of just ignores it calls it part of adolescence and hey i guess that is true. but it is been so painful i really need to let it out and i hope that it will go away as i grow old (or learn to hide it i guess).a few weeks ago i stopped ignoring my scoliosis. i researched about it and hey, it is incurable. i have to live with it until i die. haha. unless i get a surgery, which is not really the best choice, maybe even the last option due to the nature of the surgery being literally fusing your spine into one stiff bone. i was very shaken up which broke me. i started blaming myself. i feel bad for my mom. she had me when she was just 22. she was forced to marry my dad which is like 32 at that time. she was cheated on and my dad left us when i was 3. because of that, until now my mom cannot have another husband. she cannot quit her job where she is treated as shit. now she have a daughter who has a disgusting spine. she is so strong. i feel so worthless and guilty of her suffering. maybe right now if she did not have me she would not have married my dad. maybe right now she married her ex-boyfriend (he left her because she cannot marry him because she is still considered married). i feel like everything that is happened to her is my fault. then i started thinking, what if i stopped existing or what if i killed myself. will she be happy? i was shocked. I am still 13. why am i thinking like this. i hate myself for thinking like this. i cannot even tell this to my family because they will think it is just normal or I am sick in the head. I have fantasised using a knife to stab myself or when I am in a car just getting in an accident. i do not want to think like this. my story is pretty mild compared to others so i feel guilty thinking like this. i feel like i have no right to feel like this because I am young and it is not worse compared to others.that is all haha. i did not want to dampen your mood or make you annoyed thinking ""why is she like this it is just hormones stop b*tching around"". i just want to put this into words because i need to organize myself. i hope this goes away",Depression +14466,its 3am so I am too tired to go on a rant about the same shitbut I am just sick of everything. somehow my life already has been falling apart before it can even get started what i want the most is to just die.,Suicidal +14467,"Yeah that is about it . I know I have made a comment or 2 in the past I am sure about it but Recently I realized though that I have sorta become an asshole with it.. not too proud of that one. Ill throw things like alright, well I am going to go eat a bullet now or sure lemme just go walk into traffic first into my daily life without even realizing what I am saying or to who (my mother). To me thinking about it and fantasizing various ways to do it have become soothing in its own morbid way but that is no reason for me to throw it out there so much. I have also noticed i have no real inner monologue too anymore thoughts do not seem to stay up there where they belong and just kind of come out without any regard to how others may feel about it. Idk, maybe I am just slowly going crazy. But i do know my inner asshole tendencies have begun affecting my life so i think its time i finally cave in and go to talk to someone professional fml Idk, thoughts??? Lol Suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism",Suicidal +14468,"Hi, this is my first post on reddit and first of all, sorry for any writing mistakes I am from Brazil and i think that here maybe would be a place where someone could understand me. So, in february my gf broke up with me and we where about to get married, them i was fired and i only had money to buy a PC to work from home and to live with her for a few months, i did not get a job and the money was gone, after that i get a bunch of Bank loans and my bill was like R$140k (this is like $27k in American dollars). All the money i get in the bank was for make her happy, for all the pets that she wanted, the food that she wanted to eat even when it was expensive. I really loved her and after that, i just feel like i was just a thing for her. Since them my depression only gets worst and there is not a single day that i do not think of killing myself. I just do not know what to do anymore, i tried everything to get better, but in the end, i just feel like nobody cares it is like people do not want you to die only for them do not feel bad with that but, i feel they do not really care, they just do not want to feel a burden when they are going to bed. Sorry for the giant text and for some mistakes in english. I just needed to talk about how i feel in a place where i could feel understood. I just do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +14469,"I was just getting to a point where I did not want to drive my car off the nearest bridge, and then boom: serious medical issues. I am losing my vision. I am in pain. I have visual disturbances. Thanks to the new meds and some freaking issue in my brain I also have auditory disturbances. So essentially I feel like I am going ducking crazy. I am only writing this rn because I am stuck with insomnia. I am pretty sure I had a seizure earlier and my husband just rolled over and was like hmm? Like thanks idk what is happening but glad ur on it bruh. My pituitary gland is flattened out? Idk if that can because all of these intense mood changes, or if its the Nortriptyline I was started on. Anyways, really fighting the urge todo it. The hard part is that I know how easy it would be to do it and make it look like a total accident - but I have a 2 yr old who is autistic and it feels like I am the only one in our family that does what is best for him. So I have to stay. But I STG if I do lose my vision and am actually blind, I will just do it. I am an artist by trade. How tf just yeah. I am thankfully about to pass out and go to sleep thanks to some anti nausea meds. Thanks for reading my rant Pseudotumor side effects",Suicidal +14470,Why do we cope with shame differently to others?[Shame-Coping Predictors]( How do you cope with shame?,Depression +14471,"I am turning 20 next month and I am so freakin done. What is the point of life??!! Its hard if you are not rich. People say money does not matter, family does btch my family is fucked up. Its hard for me to see a future for myself. HOW TF AN I GOING TO GET THERE?!!! How. It seems so unrealistic. I quit my job recently, I am not in school, I only half ass my hobbies so its not even accomplishing enough to feel worthy of living. The only reason I am still here is because I still have money saved up and if I die, no one would take care of my dog. And my dog do not even like me unless I have food.Ik it sounds like I am taking this lightly and Half hearted but in reality I just bawled my eyes out. I have failed so many people by ghosting people who gave me successful job opportunities because I was too anxious to even take the opportunity. I ghosted my doctor bc I felt like he did not care enough about my mental health. I feel as though he tired of me going on and off about antidepressants and ghosting therapist that he sent recommendations to. I am a fucking asshole I guess.I am also a shit daughter and have no respect for my parents. I could sit here and justify why its a shit relationship but I am too lazy and story goes its bc I had a shit emotionally neglected childhood :D I have no boundariesConstantly being manipulated and gaslighted at homeIm made fun ofLol I am just tired.I wish I had a reset button that went back to grade 4. Before my life changed :) Please. Does. It. Get. Better. Please..",Depression +14472,"I have so much to be thankful for right now in my life. Loving family, my own place to live, several varieties of pleasures and the ability to still game in between all of it. But I am having a very hard time being a good salesman right now. I feel like I have really let myself slip and its really starting to hurt - I am not 100% sure how to pull myself back up at the moment either. I have been pessimistic for as long as I can remember but this has been a very sad time in my life. I have the opportunities to go to therapy. Though I feel so bound to where I am because of how I make a living and must make a living to support my family - its hard to risk with the current pay I make already living paycheck to paycheck. Things can only look up from here though right? got to dig through the shit before you get to the gold - but holy cow how much shit is there? Tl;dr: struggling with keeping a positive mindset for my job and trying to find help being more positive - almost need like a mental boot camp. :/ I.. am struggling..",Depression +14473,"I really need someone to talk to but I do not want to give my name, location. are there any sort of crisis lines that do not require your name and address?",Suicidal +14474,"I have gone through 4 fucking hotlines todayI'm going to down a lethal dose of hydrocodone and hope I get high before I die, see you all Yea fuck it",Suicidal +14475,"I am not going to go into details about what I plan on doing. I already failed at one attempt today and its left me dizzy and my neck burns. My mother and sister just keep sexualizing my body saying it was made to appeal to men. Today they both touched me and kept making fucked up comments. Mainly my sister. Touching me, staring at my breasts, making shitty jokes and pretending to lick them and what not. I have had it. The trauma has ruined me. I want to go to sleep forever. I am a bit tired of being used and abused for like... 14 years of the 17 years I have existed. I want to go to sleep now. Please let me be successful. Please let me close my eyes and never open them again. I cannot wait so long to be free. Idk if there is really freedom awaiting me. I am so tired of this. Let me sleep now. Let me dream now. I am planning on ending myself later today",Suicidal +14476,"I have been getting about 10 hours of sleep a week for the past 4 months due to horrible coughing fits. I finally got a second doctor's appointment tomorrow after the medicine from the first did absolutely nothing to help at all. My life has become a living hell and if they are unable to help me tomorrow morning I am going to end my life. I cannot take the sleep deprivation and constantly coughing until I gag or vomit. I will still kill myself eventually even if they are able to help me but if they are not, I am just calling it in now. It may be coming up soon",Suicidal +14477,"No one cares.I figured having a steady housing situation at college would be heaven but it is hell. it is actually worse than my toxic situation back home. And my complaints are met with acrimony.I do not belong here.I do not belong anywhere.My life is just a failed architecture like the opposite of Hiram.There is no point to anything.I wish so much I could win the damn lottery and be free for a bit. Some little secluded cabin somewhere.I just want SOLACE PLEASE.Billions of people in this world, hell there are people with a year's worth of here man GTFO here funds that could just change my entire life with chump change to them but no, that will never happen.If I am drowning, why cannot I just drown already. I do not have any funds and I do not have any family that care. I have nowhere else to go. Join the military for college people said. All I have learned from both of these things is that life is futile. I need to escape. I just need to go hole up in a motel somewhere. Please let me escape.",Suicidal +14478,"I thought today would be different. I woke up early for a change, went for some sprints in the park, sorted out some Centrelink issues (Australian government thing) and helped my dad build a vine fence for his garden. I asked my dad for a short break to do do some tasks, like buy a new mobile plan, and the above Centrelink thing. When I came back down he scolded me saying that i should have left my tasks for night, and how shitty of a worker I would be when I actual started working, ditching tasks halfway. I guess he wanted me to stick with him and finish his project, spending my whole day. And here I am again, feeling like shit again because of my father's disapproval. I cannot even talk back because he is got anger issues and goes full retard when I trigger him (he smashes plates). He never spent any time with me and only scolded me since childhood, and he expects me to want to spend my whole day helping his project. Fk me dead. I thought today would be different",Depression +14479,"Washington to me represented what I love about america. A mix of tech and nature that always felt perfectly sustainable and many loving trees and people regardless of their politics. A place I used to always wanted to go back to... to find that people have died or suffer due to a crisis outside their control, to see other states and countries around it burn to the crisp, the fact even moving here involved risking high tempatures after the fact from just 2 states away, and to go through poisonous air that could kill anyone in my family with a heart conditon or worse age related risks.... i want evidence it is not bullshit to want to live in a world like this. because I want to take this gamble living is... but if even the things I love are doomed to end due to uncaring idiots, who think power is only meant to bring domination over survival, I will not stand for this uncaring string of evils and how the things I love have to suffer for it. I do not know if I will commit suicide now or later... but I know I want to put my life on the line to repair what damages are unavoidable all to think of helping people I truly appreciate and love. I want to live with a reason that feels worth it... so what will we do about all this if we fail? My home state was on fire, and no one cared.",Suicidal +14480,"My best friend died of an over dose the day before Christmas 2020. Ever since, everything has gone to shit. I have lost friends because I am too clingy and suffocating. My attendance for my college courses tanked. My parents are worried. I met my best friend in IOP. I was there because of SH and SI. And now that she is gone, I feel like I am in the same place I was before iop. But I am too scared to tell anyone because every time I try, I can just see the disappointment on their faces. And some days are good days, but most are bad. Since January, I have found myself googling how to kill myself if I am scared to die more and more frequently. And now I have a new dog, supposed to be an ESA, but he hates me and the more depressed I get, the less energy I have to do anything, let alone work on training him with patience. The last time I almost attempted, I talked myself out of it because my death would have been an inconvenience. I was in a musical at the time and the only thing that stopped me from jumping off the roof of my dorm was the idea of all the dance numbers having to be rechoreographed due to my absence. Now though, I cannot find anything to stop me. My therapist is not helping, my meds make me sick, and I am miserable. And worst of all, I have never gotten closure for my friends death. Her dad was a shithead and did not invite my family to the funeral despite his daughter living with us for the entirety of quarantine. Its like I lost a part of myself and I do not even know where or if she was buried. I am scared of death, but I want to die. I am scared of missed opportunities, but I already isolate myself and do not take advantage of the opportunities I have now.I am scared of hurting people, but I do not really have any friends left because they were toxic and treated me like garbage because they could.I have always been the after thought. I have missed out on every typical teenage/college experience because of being left out. I was bullied constantly for my weight and my interests. Nothing feels worth it anymore and all I have are regrets.I wish I had a do over, but god I have no clue what Id do differently. My best friend died of an overdose and ever since I have been spiraling",Suicidal +14481,"SAT, college, the future. finding someone you love, friends, social standards Its just sooo much and ya know it will just be easier to drop dead. So much pain in the world, so much misery, so much hate and for what? I mean I turn around and there is another murder, another sexual abuse case, another catastrophe, another genocide. What is it about this world that is worth living? We go through so much, work so hard only to end up hurting in one way or another. Life is not a test, its a curse, and curses should be ended. it is only my love for other people keeping me alive right now, I do not want to see them cry, I do not want to put them through that pain but I think one day it will not be enough, one day I will finally have the courage to end it. It would just be so much easier to be dead ya know?",Suicidal +14482,"At both 16 and 24 today I am an unemployed virgin. At 16 no one would bat an eye. At 24 you are patheticI was happy, respected by people, and had friends at 16At 24 I am miserable, everyone hates me, I have no oneHow was life better ahead? it is gotten worse only If I died at 16 I would have been respected. Now I am pathetic",Depression +14483,"It becomes more and more apparent that this ship is sinking every day. When life is just about working, making money, bouncing from one hedonistic pleasure to another, you are going to end up with what we have which is a bunch of people with no real meaning and ironically no pleasure. So obviously we need a change. But where the fuck would this start? How can we reform society when it is so dug in to our lives. Even when you get past that, who has the recourses/money to get something like this started who will actually use it to benefit others rather than themselves? I wish I could just find a large piece of land and try to start building a new society, but of course someone would say ""I own this land you cannot be here."" Even if you could somehow get around that problem, would people give up the things they are used to like computers and cell phones and junk to participate in this new society? I have pretty much got nothing to lose at this point. What do you guys think? Want to start a new society? I think it is obvious that society is all fucked up and needs a change, but how do we get started?",Suicidal +14484,"Title pretty much says it all. I have been attempting to get long overdue issues resolved, and on track to better life, and a happier life. I have been unable to continue to support myself off savings, and I have been waiting since December for unemployment payments, so I got a decent job and now I regret accepting the job, because having any pay over 15 hours @ minimum wage (12.50) is considered too much for healthcare assistance.Yet when I do my budget with my newfound income, the best insurance they offer, and expect to max out my out of pocket yearly, I still come up with over 4 grand out of pocket. that is 2 entire months of income, with rent already being 40% of my income, that is just not possible to do.So either I give up on the job, lose any continuing unemployment, and go homeless, in order to get the care I have waited my entire life for, or stay with the job and be stuck in the same misery I have been in for 15 years.I have been trying to get caught up on care for 3 years consecutively, 10 years total, but not the only time I have attempted to see doctors. Each time either my insurance chances (New insurance company at a job) and I lose my doctors, or I change jobs, and lose my doctors before any meaningful work is done, or the one time I did get an answer to a good chunk of my pain (Non-diabetic Neuropathy) and got care, I lost it a little over a year later simply because the office closed in my state and went out of business. No alternatives, and no follow up care since primary cannot take over a specialists prescriptions. I no longer needed answers, it is lifelong, so why is my quality of life to suffer? Why do I have to live in misery yet hold the answers to my biggest issues?Did I mention Primary Care doctors are useless? Not entirely their fault I assume, as they cannot or will not assist, I have to see a specialist for every little thing by law (or policy? everywhere). Lifelong foot issue? Need to see a new Podiatrist again, for the 6th time, painful neurological test? Must repeat it because you could not have medical records, that is impossible! Gastrointestinal? Nope. Missing Organs, need extra vaccinations such as COVID. Big fat NOPE, even though the scar is larger than my dick. Psychiatry? Nope.Oh Got injured and need physical therapy 2-3x per week for 7 weeks? Good luck! None are open after business hours, so they expect you to feed yourself off physical therapy? you are supposed to feel better when you cannot afford a bed to sleep in?I am fed up with this world, if we want to have private healthcare ACT LIKE IT. I should not have to PAY for services where nothing happened! I should be able to shop around, meaning transparent pricing! Insurance should be dirt cheap, and only there for major emergency visits.Otherwise, do what is right. Healthcare for all!I could rant for days, but I am just so tired of it. Got a fair job, now I am more depressed I will lose my healthcare, and all the healthcare I have waited and worked so hard for.",Depression +14485,"My ex of a few months, more than a few months but we got back together (started fucking around 6 months after our initial breakup) but since they have found someone else and that has stopped all together. I am being ignored, in fact. Anyway, long story short every person I have ever dated has gotten married to the person right after me, but this time, this ex, this one person i thought was my person even though they were terrible to me 75% of the time, its different. I have self harmed over them in the past but i know, as of right now, if they end up marrying this new person they are seeing i will off myself. I will not be able to take it. Not this time. Maybe they have not changed and this is only short term for them, but maybe it will turn out differently than our relationship did. I have spoke to my therapist about it and she had nothing to say except its an understandable fear. I want them to be happy. I want them to change for the better and not be alone, but this is still hard. I am alone. I still love them with everything i have. I feel i always will. I do not want to kill myself to make him feel sorry or any other reason other than i will consider myself completely unloveable. Unworthy of someone wanting to spend their life with me, as this has already happened to me 3 times i can count. This time though is the first time i was dead set on the person. I saw a future. I realistic one. One i wanted to live in. This all terrifies me. I feel like I am preparing for the inevitable. Fear of Ex marrying new partner",Suicidal +14486,I am currently in the military. Stationed pretty far away from home. For a good while I thought everything was fine in terms of my mental health but it turns out I had completely disconnected from all emotions because I was hurting. The combination of many events in my life recently really took a toll. When I went home I realized all of this and it was a difficult wake up call. I had fallen into a very deep depression that I feel like I can never climb out of. Now I am trying to make myself stay connected to my emotions but I feel like everyday I wake up there is this plague that has itself tangled in my mind. I had so much going well and I just slipped away so much. Its like I watched myself deteriorate over the past few months. I completely disconnected from friends and family and my relationship. When I went back home everyone said I had changed and that I was not as fun to be around anymore. When I finally opened up to everyone about what Id been bottling up I was told you should have opened up sooner and what you did really hurt me and a lot of other people (mainly my girlfriend). The only one who really understood was my mother. I have tried to make it better and show I still care about these people but they tell me its not enough. I am aware of what I did but I did not know how to stop it and I did not know how to open up about any of it. I feel like no matter how hard I fight this battle with depression I will inevitably lose one day and in many ways I feel I already have. I just want everything to get better. I do not know how to start. I just wanted to post because I feel like my support will just throw it in my face if I try to talk to them about it because its happened so much before. Thanks everyone for your support. I am fighting a losing battle,Depression +14487,"I live in a place with gorgeous sunsets. I love to sit on my balcony and watch them. I wish I could watch them for the rest of my life. In a way, I will be just that the rest part will be a lot sooner than expected. Now the sun has set and its one day closer to the end. I am so ready to go, but I feel awful for the pain it will because my friends and family. One sunset closer to the last one",Suicidal +14488,"My thoughts amount to nothing ore than an attempt to intellectualize my own depression and suicidal tendencies, and if I had anything of real value to say it would be in a university and note a suicide note on Reddit.com so you should not take anything said here seriously. Id like to return to a time before I could process stimuli, a time long before I could recognize that I could process stimuli. Suffering is a quintessential characteristic of life. Endless strains of boredom are riddled with doubt, insecurity, and disappointment, and this is tolerated all in the pursuit of rare instances of euphoria. Id rather cease to react to anything at all, to forfeit my awareness of my thoughts, feelings, ambitions, physical pain. Id rather not have been born at all. Id like lose consciousness",Suicidal +14489,"Let me start off by saying I am 24 years old. I have a lot going for me & have a great support system. A family that loves me. Great friends but I cannot seem to dig myself out of this trench while I fight this ongoing battle in my mind. Depression, anxiety & PTSD. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety since I can remember but things have only gotten worse. I pursued a career in emergency medical services & its wreaked havoc on my mental illness. I am tired of waking up from the constant nightmares. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I have since left this job and I have got a great job now. Stable. Good pay & great coworkers. But still, nothing seems to be enough to me. I have been going on dates with different women off of dating apps & they always turn into me getting friend zoned. I want someone to love me. I want physical touch that I have not had since a previous long-term relationship. I feel empty. I feel so cold & desensitized to everything in this world. I almost have no reaction to anything anymore. I have no more tears left to cry. I do not have the energy to cry but I am hurting inside. The medications that I am on do not help much. I do not know what to do anymore but I feel my time is coming to an end. I do not know if I can go on much longer.",Suicidal +14490,"In the land of throw away culture, our problems are disposable. In the land of second chances, were crucified when we apologize for acting like animals. Once ill. Always ill. Just chill and take your pills. Not the ones you take to escape but the ones that mansato has provided you. At a cost, but that is your loss... because Dr. knows best. If you are crazy, then you are crazy. If you are an addict, then you are an addicted. I might be a little crazy. But love could have prevented this. Stigma; I am an addict. I am mentally ill.",Depression +14491,"I have been feeling depressed this year and it intensified after my wedding in May. I am feeling tired, demotivated, worthless. All i want to do is just to sleep. My husband has not been providing me with the support i need, if he did something that triggers my depression and anxiety, he would just brush it off or denying things without offering me anything to make me feel better. Which reaffirms my thoughts about being worthless. I started seeing a therapist last week, but were only meeting once every week. What would I do in between?I feel so alone. How do i cope? I have no support",Depression +14492,"that is always what I wanted to do. I wanted to be important to someone, needed, not because of all the things I do for them.I want to be loved, not used. I do not want to feel useless every time I fail, I do not want to feel the urge to jump every time I take the train. I do not want to feel like a dog, like garbage, like I should hide all the time. I want to look at people, to talk, to be honest when I say I am ok. I want to be normal, I want to be happy for more than fleeting moments. I want to be able to watch a sad movie without spiraling. I want to be weak to someone. I want to be saved by someone. I do not want to be the one helping all the time. I just, I want to stop wanting. I just want to be happy I just want to mean someting",Suicidal +14493,"I am a 15 year old boy, and a couple years ago , I started to like a girl. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met but I was so afraid to tell her how I felt. Up until last august. She said she did not know me well enough but she respected my honesty. She unfortunately passed away in April. One of her friends said she thought I was sweet and genuine, and now I can never prove it to her. I sometimes think about this and feel like there is no point now for me to be here, to stay strongIm not very good looking, at least it definitely appears that way- I have only ever been rejected or let down nicely, and on top of that I get shy around girls I like and I am awkward.I have only ever been average or below at everything, I am not popular or anything, so I do not rlly get invited to like parties or anything , which especially sucks bc its summer- and I usually have to be the one to set up hang outs with my 2-3 friends The only thing really keeping me going is that my 16th birthday is in November and I do not want to miss thatGiven all this, I feel like sometimes I do not want to be here anymore, and that things could never get better and all I really ask for is for someone to tell me its going to be ok or tell me I am wrong in my thinking with reasoning, please? Hurting",Suicidal +14494,"Again, I am ranting on my throwaway.. I feel like I have dug myself in to a giant hole again. I am scared and embarrassed to let anyone in to this mess. I am trying my best to reach put and seek some kind of help. I feel like I am a whirlpool. Life sucks, but you have to keep going? I am terrified of the future. .",Depression +14495,"I have had a rough life to start off with, I am only 18 years old, my birthday is in less than a month to turn 19. Today on the way home from the movies I was dropping my friend off and it was pouring, backing out I ran over a large rock the size of a large basketball, did not realize it at the time,so I drove home and smelled burning, got home and saw the rock still lodged underneath my car, destroying my radiator and other key components, I believe it is totaled. This would be the third car I have totaled in the past 3 years. My father is extremely stressed and I do not think he will ever let me drive a car again, I am stressed about college as well having little to no desire to continue due to lack of being able to focus. I have no money and recently the girl I was in love with left me and got a new guy, I still think about her every day but I know she does not and it kills me. I have nothing I want to live for anymore and I am seriously considering ending my own life. I cannot deal with this stress anymore and I want to be free but I feel like I am a financial burden to my family, I feel like I have no future and I feel like I will never find love again. So in my eyes I have nothing, I know it would hurt my family but it would save them a lot of money and stress in the long run. I do not have many real friends who I can talk to, and I do not have any close family members who will listen so its like I am trapped in this by myself. I cannot take any of this anymore and I think I really am going to do this. I cannot take it anymore and I need help I am driving myself isane I think its my time",Depression +14496,"Tried to fight it off but I guess at night since you are normally more alone than ever depression just likes to torment you then.Guess Ill block everyone and restart the cycle of being used until I decide to end it all. Being a good friend is pointless if the other person just sees you as something to do when they are bored Depression free for 2 months, its back and stronger than ever",Depression +14497,"I was diagnosed with major depression 3 years ago. I have been going to therapy & taking antidepressants for 2.5 years. But my therapist is booking months in advance and I have stopped taking my meds. I can feel it getting bad again. But I am working 5-7 days a week and find myself pretending to be okay in front of everyone. The people I used to confide in about my mental health I no longer tell them things. I am pushing people away and I am watching it happen but I just do not have it in me to fight it. I feel like I am just existing, going to work, coming home and going to bed. I sleep most of the day on my days off because life just seems so loud and its turned down when I am asleep. I do not want to die but Id like to pause my life for a little while. The worst part is; my family does not think I am depressed because I can function. They think that I am working lots and that means I am getting better. My boyfriend got mad at me for sleeping till 2pm on my day off.I feel so alone, which is partly my own fault, but nobody seems to get it. Just because I am not staying in bed for months on end like I used to, does not mean I am not struggling. Being functionally depressed is insane. I feel like I am just existing",Depression +14498,"So I am drunk, I have no one to vent to, and I am quite depressed, so before lockdown, I was pretty depressed but had only been for a little while, at the same time I was happy with who I was as a person and fine how I looked (for the time in years) etc, I was more in a rut than anything and think Id of gotten out of it, I have been an indoors person for a while now (I am 23 going on 24, I think 22 when lockdown started??) I am not anti social but an introvert, I just enjoy time on my own indoors, doing things I enjoy (gaming/anime/music/tv etc) and when lockdown first started I did not hate it, I did not have to look for a job I hate, I could be in and do things I enjoy more,a few things worked out that Id have more money while since lockdown, plus the things I enjoyed going out and doing I could kind of still do. But since 2018 I have started to have a big fear of death, I have started to explore who I am more and what life is and I am just terrified of death, despite the fact I am somewhat religious, its not thatI have no belief but not enough stop the fear, and I have been so worried about covid I have missed out on a lot of stuff and have no social life(I talk to friends still (they think I am overreacting with my carefulness with covid) but I do not really go out apart from my local shop, to pick up weed or to smoke it ) so I am out of shape, pale, I hate my hair and just my looks in general the same way I did years ago, it took me so long to get over that and got my body/face to a point I was comfortable with, and I have always been bad with people but holy shit am I bad now, but no one I am around truly gets me so have no one to talk to this about (I could never tel my dad any of this, would hurt him too much) I am so scared of death but I am so stressed with life that I find myself thinking about suicide and almost justifying it to myself. Yet I have nightmares about dying because its my biggest fear, fml I have never thought about suicide (and death) so much",Suicidal +14499,"Hi guys I am in need of some antidepressants and I am looking at these online sites that claim to offer prescriptions. Some I see are lemonaidhealth, cerebral, helloalpha, and sesamecare. Do any of you guys have advice on this route- or any advice for me trying to get a legal prescription for as cheap as possible? I do not want treatment advice (as per the rules) but I was hoping this community had feedback on how to seek out quick easy medication legitimate and legally.(Below info is just specific to why I am going this route)I am having health insurance issues because I lost my job from covid (thus my insurance) and my application for calwhatever or medical is super delayed because my non American husband lives overseas and they are angry he has no SSN. I am sure it will be resolved at some point but Id rather not wait.I have been on and off this specific kind of anti depressant since I was 9- almost 20 years so I know this is what I need. I am lucky to have benefits from medication rather than side effects.I have been on and off therapy since I was 7 so I support and love it but that is not what I need right now. Thus I feel comfortable just using an online service and consult for a prescription.Any advice is appreciated! Online prescriptions for antidepressants? Any advice?",Depression +14500,"I feel like my lifes over, I am not smart and I just suck at everything. I am not strong enough. I keep failing",Suicidal +14501,"so about 30 minutes ago i took around 400 my of fluoxetine. i called poison control and they told me I am probably going to start having seizures because of the other medication I am on right now too. i do not want to call the hospital, and i do not want to tell my parents. this sucks and I am going to be in a shit ton of pain pretty soon apparently and i do not know what to do. i took 400 mg of fluoxetine",Suicidal +14502,"I made a deal with myself back in April that I would decide whether to end it by June. I decided not to and hoped that my ideations would decrease but it seems to have had the opposite effect. Now it seems like my ideations have only become stronger and I am moving closer to following through those thoughts desires. I got into the college program I wanted to but I am starting to think that I am going to simply become another statistic and not finish. Asking people who are not suicidal yields unhelpful answers, maybe you all have something that can help combat these ideations. I do apologize if this post creates any discomfort, its not my intention. cannot keep my promise it seems",Suicidal +14503,"it is so hard seeing others live the life you would kill for. i do not know why but i was wondering where my elementary classmates ended up. they all come from super-wealthy families and were not the smartest, but they graduated from the best school and programs. the ylive amazing perfect lives with perfect bodies, the whole entire world at their disposal. while i have to take extra time to finish a stupid university degree I have no passion for and just watch as my mental illnesses take everything away from me. I am not going to end it all but I have thought about it every day since i was 12. I have ruined my body and life, nothing brings me joy anymore. I have always despised being an only child as at least if i had a sibling they could take the responsibility of being a functioning person for my parents and not me. I am in constant physical and mental pain and its just not fair because i just want it all to stop, and even that is not my choice. i want to leave so bad i know comparing is bad",Suicidal +14504,Everybody needs somebody so let us be there for eachother... I never had the privilege to make real life friends so social media was the only place i could be social and rn I am at this stage of my life where i do not have any friends left... so anybody wants to be my friend? Hey,Suicidal +14505,"I cannot really find happiness in this world, I do not belong here. I do not want to feel this way for the rest of my life. A couple times I felt like this that bring me to the verge of suicide and at the end I never do. This time I feel like this is the one. it is scary to think what happens next to not exist. But once it does there is nothing to worry about because I do not exist anymore. Yeah I am young and single and only thing I have to take care of my is my dog but that can be taken care of by someone else easily. I am selling my car, giving the dog to someone else and give all my money to my family slowly by paying rent after that I severed my purpose and lived long enough. I guess its time",Suicidal +14506,"I am not sure why, but i feel empty and disconnected. like I am not myself. nothing has substance anymore, i cannot talk to my friends without this sinking feeling that they think I am not funny/an idiot. i wish i could just die so i did not have to deal with myselflike i said, I am not sure why i feel this way. i was fine just a few days ago disconnected",Depression +14507,"Well, ever since I was a toddler, my parents never got along well. The hardest part was when I had to choose sides. Currently I live with my little brother and mother. When I was younger, I chose sides with my father since he was a little less strict. Because of that my mother holds a lot of hatred against me. She insulted me since I was 5 when my father was not around. And in the past 2 years ever since Covid started, She started taking Work From Home. My mother and I never got along well, mostly because I am a tomboy and my she bought a lot of tricks and girly dresses and a very few t-shirts. So, I tend to only wear the t-shirts, but my neighbour's kid who is a girl loves girly stuff, so most of the time my mother wishes I was not her daughter. And also as I earlier stated that she hated me and the reason for that. As my mother started insulting me about that I am dumb since I am a girl etc. I went kind of crazy. Until one day I could not take it anymore and screamed. I know that was bad of me but I could not control myself this time. And to top things off, my brother behaves like a literal baby, even though he is not one. Which usually gets me into trouble. And fun fact, if my brother does the same mistake as me, my mother is more kind to him compared to me. And I currently have a bad relationship with my father and I do not have anyone who I can go to. And I think my mother has a weird obsession if making me look bad in front of people by telling them my day to day mistakes. But no one's perfect. My mental state has gone to the thought of me killing myself, I have tried to but my dreams get in the way. I like singing so when I mentioned earlier that I screamed, it was pretty loud since my voice went high because I have been practicing a few songs. Now a days, I do not like interacting with many people, I only opened up to 2 people in this lifetime and neither of my parents are included in the list of those 2 people. My mother makes me feel worthless and tries to make me feel bad about being a girl. I do not know what to do with life anymore, it all seems hopeless. Needed to open up",Suicidal +14508,"typing to the void because maybe someone is listening. for the first time today I had the thought of the chances of me kms are not as low as I thought they were. for 8 years I have struggled with major depressive disorder and would think about offing myself and always knew I could not/never would. but today I just got this strong feeling, a realization, that that is how my time on earth will end. not now, probably not anytime soon. but the chances are higher then I ever thought they would be. how did I go from being 12 and thinking I never could to being 20 and being at peace with the fact that I can, and most likely will. straight up not vibing",Suicidal +14509,"I really hate posting this shit on social media so I am hoping an anonymous account will help. I just needed to get this off my chest. I FUCKING HATE BEING AN ADULT. EVERYTHING IS SO LONLEY, ALL YOU DO IS WORK AND PAY BILLS, NO ONE REALLY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT YOU, AND you are STUCK DOING EVERYTHING YOURSELF EVEN WHEN YOU REALLY JUST NEED THE COMFORT OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST AS DEPRESSED AS YOU SO are not NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. Thank you Adulting",Depression +14510,"sometimes i feel SO lonely and sad and i want to talk to someone, but at the same time i cannot bring myself to do it. its like its just too much effort? i cannot handle people telling me their problems and idk if that makes me a bad person, but i do not even know how to deal with my own problems, so how am i supposed to offer advice to someone else?? i have one really good (online) friend and we have barely gone a day without talking for over 4 years, but sometimes i just do not want to talk to her. its not her fault and i feel really bad when i ignore her for hours, but it just REALLY overwhelms me sometimes. its like i desperately do not want to be alone but also i do lol. (side note: i think my depression and anxiety have gotten worse since covid and i find myself getting overwhelmed by the dumbest and simplest things. does that happen to anyone else?) i want to talk to people but i cannot",Depression +14511,Thanks for offering support Probably going to try to overdose and write my note tomorrow,Suicidal +14512,"I have been plagued by suicidal ideation for a long time. My father committed suicide when I was in high school, so I have been adamant about dismissing those thoughts, knowing firsthand how it affects survivors. it is been getting a lot worse the past year, though, and I am really starting to struggle and become concerned. This is despite the fact I am under the regular care of a psychiatrist and compliant with my medications. I am apparently a ""unicorn"" - a prolific non-responder. I have also had poor results with other approaches such as journaling, meditation, gratitude therapy, yoga, etc.I recognize that I have loving, supportive friends and family, but besides worrying about who will take care of my cat, the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that those people would grieve...which is becoming less and less of a deterrent. I do not *want* to follow in my father's footsteps, but it is feeling more and more inevitable.I honestly cannot think how my life is valuable, which is scary. I cannot identify any particular talents, passions, or ambitions to work toward, and do not know what I can offer the world or leave as a legacy.Can anyone offer tips or experiences that helped you find value in your life? I am grasping at straws, so any input would be greatly appreciated.Thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramble and consider helping! Struggling to find value in my life",Suicidal +14513,I cannot live with my mom anymore. I am going to go live in my car. Maybe just get a heat stroke and kill myself I am running away,Suicidal +14514,"I recently saw a therapist for the first time in my life and it sucked so bad. Not in the way of who it was or anything like that its just to see how much I have put away over the years and how much I have put up with in all aspects of my life. It was so difficult opening up because I have always seen myself and my work as ordinary as the next person.. but for someone to actually take the time and dive deeper into who I am HURT. Years of compartmentalization, just emptied in an hour and a half it sucked because I felt guilty that I let myself fall because of the actions of others I am no saint but my intentions were always for the better here is to the 1st step.. Its that small moment where you realize damn I am not okay",Depression +14515,"i cry for hours once a week or two, i lock myself in the the bathroom and cry silently, i want to scream to let the pain go, but I cannot let the family hear me, they do not accept depression, and they will just make it worse, telling me I am sick or stupid, they will just make my depression far worse, even i have a big family i still feel lonely and empty no one cares, no one want to listen to me, no one wants to do or wants me to do anything, it hurts, i wish i was not born, i wish i died when i almost drowned, when i was on that Field trip to the water park, I am too coward to end my life, i hate myself. Am i the only one who burst out crying once a week or two?",Depression +14516,Nothing I have ever done or ever will do will change that there is no point in doing anything if everyday I feel the same crushing sadness,Depression +14517,Another failed attempt another week or so of suffering . I am so sick of life. God is a selfish bastard who did not make a button in body to just die whenever you want. And hes selfish enough to not kill me even after I pray to die nearly every night before sleep. I want to die. Please. Damnit,Suicidal +14518,"Nothing scares me more than reading post of older people late 40s+ saying they wish they killed themselves sooner. I know my life is shit and will not get better, plus i hate everything about myself too. Not interested in therapy or hearing other peoples success stories to be honest, glad it worked out for ya, but in a world of over 8billion people of course you will have unlucky batches I want to die sooner than later",Depression +14519,Anybody willing to chat through reddit ? I am having some dark thoughts and feeling a lot of emotions i suppressed when i was not sober Need someone to talk to,Depression +14520,"I have struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past and honestly it is been so long that I thought all of it was behind me. But lately I have been having some dark thoughts. And even though I like to believe I would never act on them; I am scared I will not be able to work through this on my own. I have tried therapy in the past with no success. Mostly because I clam up and struggle to communicate when it comes to talking about anything that feels too ""real"". I hate myself for feeling this way because I have so much to live for and I know, but it is getting so hard to pretend I am ok. I think I need help",Suicidal +14521,"Look I do not really use reddit much, this is my first time actually making a post so forgive me if I somehow mess it up- and I am insanely shy, even pressing the post button takes me lots of build up.. Anyways, ever since I was young I always had thoughts of suicide, but through my entire life I have just tried ignoring them.My mom ( her being a single mom due to a divorce from my father abusing drugs and being abusive to all of us which I would rather not delve into ) did not have much spare time to spend with me and my sister. However my sister would frequently spend loads of time with my dad, he even called her his real son. They had a very strong connection despite everything. My sister was insanely smart throughout highschool and college, always top of her class, played all kinds of sports, knew exactly what she wanted out of life since she was like 6. I will skip all her merits and get to the point. She was always the center of attention, and everyone, I mean everyone wanted me to be just like her, because if she could do it, surely I could to right? In school I was known as ""her brother"", no one knew who I was and neither did I.I did spend some time with my dad as a kid, whether it was him taking me to vandalize mailboxes, go hunting which I hated, or just do anything you can imagine, luckily I rejected most of what he considered fun and strived to be better. When I was 4 and my sister was 7 he took us into the woods, left us, then drove off telling us to find a way home. And no, he did not hide around and watch us to make sure we were safe, he left us all alone and went out with some random chick to further his many affairs only for us to make it home hours later after someone driving on a dirt road found us. I am giving this as an example of what he did daily, I could dive into the story of him pulling out two of my teeth way before they were ready because he once spilled a thing of popcorn and wanted to take his anger out on someone.My mom on the other hand was a great mother, she did everything she could for us and I owe her everything.I was never a trouble maker despite my childhood experiences, I strangely loved following rules, and was always a nice person genuinely. Also I should clarify, I live in the middle of nowhere and my passions have always been with technology, which is not very available out here. Also another thing, i lied like a lot, a lot a lot, without ever feeling bad, I have always had those edgy teenage thoughts about really messed up stuff being just a joke.READ STARTING HERE IF THIS IS TOO LONGI'm leaving out a lot as I just realized how long this is, basically I felt like I never figured out who I was, or what I wanted, like everything I told myself I wanted was just what everyone else wanted me to do. I always had extreme anxiety, I have never cared about relationships ( have 0 sexual desire ) and most importantly I feel like I am always in my head, talking to myself constantly and even sometimes speaking out loud without noticing, all my symptoms were and still are ignored, I did experience sadness most everyday but tried my best to hide it. Even in school I wanted to do better because I knew I could but never allowed myself to try. ||| IMPORTANT PART. Weirdest of all everyone around me sometimes feels.. automated? Like their entire lives and emotions are running like a machine. I have always thought that maybe I am supposed to be like that and I was just missing something mentally, like I was defective and became self aware. |||My ""depression"" if you can call it that feels more like an error code, and feeling this way I suppose is what makes me feel suicidal, like I am flawed, not good enough and should not exist.I want things out of life, I want to move out, I want to learn about software development, I want to get a job again yet I always feel insanely weak, like moving my body is a challenge. Simple tasks like washing dishes became a days worth of tasks. Plus I can never catch onto social norms, things just fly over my head. With simple things being so difficult it makes big goals seem impossible, I have no motivation. I feel like I am lazy even though I do not want to be.Being this way makes me feel incredibly selfish, at least I have always been told that. Suicide was considered the most selfish possible thing by my mom and all I want to do is make her proud of meI tried joining the airforce, scored a 92 on my asvab without even studying but at MEPS I had a mental breakdown and felt I would go through with suicide If I kept lying to myself and I knew that was a no go in the military, so I backed out at the last moment which only made me feel like an even bigger failure.I do not know if I should see a doctor. Maybe I am overreacting and just dramatic, I wish I could keep talking and say everything but it is just too much to say. Every second I think of ending it, and its incredibly hard to focus on improving myself when that is always blaring in my brain.TLDR: less than average childhood, always alone through life, feel weak at all times. Mind is constantly blaring for me to kms ( not like voices, just talking to myself ) Everyone feels like a robot. I want to get better but at the same time I am not sure if its worth the effort, or if I can even get better. I am almost convinced it would just be easier to end it all now and save myself from more suffering as I know my life is not even that bad, meaning it could get worse. My depression feels more like a calculation, just like everything in my life, and the most logical answer I could find is to end it since its easier than fixing it. I am sorry this is so long. I have just held a lot in for a long time and this is my first time ever trying to talk about it, if anyone took time to read this I greatly appreciate it I am confused and feel selfish",Suicidal +14522,"If anyone is willing to share, feel free to do so. Could be break ups, losing loved ones, injuries, anything whatsoever. I had 2 things happen to me recently that on top of my depression, has completely broken me down and made me decide its time to be gone.Those 2 things are seeing the heavy majority of people I know in high school living great lives by going on social media and searching them up. The second is losing all of my money in the stock market to the point of no return. Which I believe was due to me already being suicidal, and wanting extra motivation to just end it at all. What is something that happened to you recently that made you incredibly depressed?",Suicidal +14523,"I need to escape. Like I seriously seriously need to escape. I have fantasized about going and living in a log cabin in Alaska for a year or becoming a beach bum for a yearIf I could set things up perfectly I would1. Have some kind of watch over a property job with a place to stay and just keep an eye on the place and not worry about all these bills and rent and stuff2. Win the lottery of even a modest number and just be free from the cycle of suffering. it is never going to happen. No magical person will appear and be like HEY MAN, here ya go, enjoy life for once.One of these days I am never going to be heard from again. I will just walk into the woods to disappear .Nothing makes anything worth it anymore.To just be free from financial worry and go have a coffee and a sandwich AWAY FROM THE TOXICITY OF SOCIETY WOULD BE HEAVENThese scars will never heal. I am not on here to complain about life. My issues could easily solved but they never will be. I blame capitalism and the fact no matter what I do I will always be poor. I have not had a vacation in forever.",Suicidal +14524,Anyone else ready for winter? Just feels so bad laying in bed al day when sun comes up around 5 and does not go down till 10.30. Really wish it was always winter. Hate summer,Depression +14525,"I spent a lot of time believing there was good in the world and good people but i was deluding myself. Recently I had an awakening moment, human beings are just predator and prey like every other animal. All of human life is divided into these two camps. There are the predators who take advantage and predate on the weak of society (upper classes, politicians, religious leaders, rapists). And there are the prey who spend their lives trying to avoid and detect the predators.I tried to believe there was good in the world. There is not. Take care of yourselves out there. No one is going to come rescue you when you need help. I saw behind the veil of humanity and I cannot unsee it",Depression +14526,"Has anyone else just accepted suicide as their end? The ""Five Stages of Grief"" are often used for general sadness, but they were intended for people in terminal life situations. I think suicide is the same. I used to be so depressed thinking about dying, but now I have come to accept it. It does not even bother me anymore. I am privledged and fortunate enough to have had a great life up until this year, so I do not feel like I am missing out on anything by living; I have already gotten everything I wanted out of life and have made lots of great memories, and now is my time to go. Suicide is just the final chapter of my story, and it is not even a sad one, I imagine it will touch a lot of people and motivate them to live out their lives and seek out happiness in a way I cannot. Acceptance",Suicidal +14527,"M, 18Since COVID hits, I barely got to go outside. The first few months was okay because I have people to talk to. Now, everyone seemed to go on with their lives and I cannot prolong my FB activity because I just feel down and depressed seeing people with their friends. I also happen to graduate last week from highschool. I am one of the top students; however, I just do not feel like going on college. I spend most of my time in my phone, reading books seemed trivial, and I just wish that I killed myself. I can also feel my family's frustrations over my confusion on what should I take in college. Suicide has been in my mind lately. I just do not feel waking up every day and go on with my monotonous schedule. Loneliness, depression, anxiety",Depression +14528,"If you feel like you cannot really trust anyone you personally know with how you truly feel, where can you actually turn to?This is a question for all of those who are on the edge of planning something permanent, and are seeking a temporary cosmetic answer. Where does one turn to?",Depression +14529,"Every day I have really bad mood swings and its very hard to control and it often worries most of the people around me and I am honestly scared that they will leave me because of it, does anyone know how to control mood swings better? I need help with mood swings",Depression +14530,"you will regret it. If you kill yourself and get reincarnated where you are, you will regret it. If you kill yourself and go to heaven you will look back and think what a waste of what I grew/had. If you kill yourself and cease to exist, nothing will matter. So might as well get up, go do what you can to heal others and yourself before you die.I think this is the conclusion I have come to after years of this. If you kill yourself and go to hell...",Suicidal +14531,Can anyone change my mind? I think Id rather die than live through the climate crisis,Suicidal +14532,"Life is meaningless. You go to school, get a job that you never really liked, retire, then die. Sure, you make friends, but they never really listen to you when you talk about yourself, their eyes drifting to a place above your right shoulder. The things you enjoy slowly loose their appeal, and you are just left there thinking and feeling nothing. So I am genuinely curious, why do you even try to get better what is the point?",Depression +14533,"I feel like it because i cannot move in my life rn its summer brake for me and am 18 i got left 1 year of education (the hardes time). My parents want me to get a job for the summer and get driving license but i just cannot, I know that if i even push myself to do it i will end up killin myslef I know i will do it sooner or later but I am trying to delay it. I cannot ask anyone for help or suppor that i really need just a little push in life and i the saddest part about it is that i kno no matter what i do in my life i will never be happy.I do not know what to do I am so tired of living especially I am my country. I feel like I am stuck in a quicksand",Depression +14534,I cannot take it anymore. I tried all the advice. I tried reaching out. It does not change the fact that I just do not belong. I am so sorry. I think it is the end,Suicidal +14535,"All I ever wanted was a friend because you long for something you do not have, right? As a kid when i was just 3 years hardly, I would look around and see others eating together, playing around with a FRIEND. it is an age where you do not know anything and just be friends with anyone around. Well, this was what i thought because you be having no understanding that time and be pretty innocent. We all say being an adult sucks but no, it sucks to be a kid like me. Even at that age no one ever wanted to be my friend nor talk to me and it was because of this girl who had two sidekicks and they went around telling the whole class to not even talk or sit beside me. Now, you go and tell it to the teacher or your parents or something but at that age i did not know anything and so just let that happen to me. I would just cry by myself and tryna impress her, tryna make her a friend but now i regret that, am angry at myself to be that girl and not kick her ass. I went thru such trauma from a very early age.That did not stop there, it went on for years and is still going but the only difference is I roast their fucking ass now but I do not want to be this girl. I have random breakdowns and my life became better when i got my first friend in my 8th grade. I started pouring out myself to him and i felt better but I do not want to do this anymore, I was not this girl who used to depend on others, he makes me feel weak. When i never shared my trauma at that age then why now? But here i am. That went till my fourth grade with her in my class. My things were stolen each time, hidden or just simply thrown away in the dustbin. In fifth, our classes were shuffled and I get this class teacher who hated me. She holds my face and scratches on my forehead with her pen. People never wanted me to sit near them, they felt disgusted to even lend me a pen. Got a few fake friends till 7th later, which I already knew but I let toxicity in my life because for once, I was not lonely and it felt better. That girl who used to bully was this super cute popular girl who dated every senior and I never knew any, I never knew anything because i was so lost with dealing with these.And again, unfortunately we were in the same class again in 8th grade and this was when the seniors noticed me because I was in the same class as hers and all of a sudden, I get fame, became the girl every senior wanted while she was getting pretty jealous of me. I did not love that place either. I told myself to move on from all those tears she made me cry and when she hung around, I did not ignore but just spoke less and there was this day where we both were alone at an event and she decides to make me her accompany for the day and well, we both just looked out for ourselves. I do regret hanging around with her but I have always been easy to be manipulated and at the end of the day her aunt comes and pulls me by my arm with a tight grip and spits on my face telling me to stay away from her niece because am a spoilt brat. My eyes just teared up but no, I walked away. I was spoilt for talking to her boyfriend who her aunt did not even know about.She always got things so easy, friends, opportunities, guys, awards. Not that she was good at it, because her aunt was the administrative or smth of the school and she was pretty. I had to earn every of those. And again, my only bestf was my senior who left the school and I am having to face those kids once again though we still talk and tryna meet up. It feels i will never be able to move on from this as I have always ignored i was going through this and today it just feels like a lot to ignore again. I do not expect anyone to read this till here, but if you did, thank you :"") I have been broken for so long and now it is hard to put back those pieces.",Depression +14536,"I have everything set up, I am just waiting for my mother to go to sleep. I have some meds i want to OD on and have said goodbye to most people. I want to die but i do not think I am strong enough to take my life. I do not think I am strong enough to kill myself.",Suicidal +14537,"Good morning!I have a question regarding medication here in Germany. I am in psychotherapy for over a year now with a wonderful psychologist, the thing is, my psychologist lives in Crete, Greece due to the fact that my partner is Greek and it is nearly impossible here in Germany to get a psychologist if you are ""normal insuranced"". In Germany there are two types of health insurances, based on the field you work in. Privately insuranced people are usually higher income. The majority of people are health insuranced as required by law, which usually covers everything, but to get an appointment for specialized doctors, not only talking about psychiatrists, but also talking about doctors like dermatologists, it is a huge advantage to be privately insuranced , because most doctors either only accept privately insuranced patients, because they bring in more money, or do not accept anymore patients at all. Now to me. I am a 30 year old male who struggles with mental health issues since I was 19. I always coped with them by myself, because I was gay who was not out yet and because of that always single. That changed when I was 24, when I came out and I thought Now my life would change, which it did first. When I met my current partner 5 years ago, I was over the moon. Life was good, I had a good job that made me happy, money was stable, I was in love. After 6 months, my problems started. I always had a social phobia, but not in like being afraid about other people, I have never had problems with others. More like going outside, meaning agoraphobia. I always coped with it by myself and after some time my symptoms (all related to my stomach - nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea, or in general the urge to go to the toilet immediately as soon as I have to go somewhere) would get better. But when it got worse when I was together with my partner, it did not get better ever since. I talked to him when it started (April 2017) what my issue was and he was, and still is, very understanding, all in all a great man. But life happens. He also had some problems at work, and I really try to support him, but I am not always able to do that because of my agoraphobia, because to relax he just loves to go outside or travel, which I cannot do. And I am noticing, that this is affecting him as well. After some time, maybe after 2 years, he encouraged me to look for a psychotherapist. I do not know how it works elsewhere, but here in Germany a psychotherapist is not allowed to medicate you if necessary, for that you need a psychiatrist. So I looked for one. I found two here jn Germany, but with both them, I did not really get along with them and I did not feel comfortable with them. And then I found my current psychotherapist, who lives in Greece, we have appointments over the internet once a week and we FaceTime. She is really wonderful and diagnosed me with depressions and suggested to look for a psychiatrist to talk about medications. And that is where the problems start. it is basically impossible for me to find one , because they either only take in privately insuraned patients (which I am not) or do not accept any patients at all. And I notice that my partner is slipping away. He coped with me for 5 years now and was so patient, but I think his patience is getting to an end. Which I understand. He gave up so much for me the last few years (not travelling) , which makes him happy , and also struggles with his own problems, and he cannot really do anything good for him, because he just wants to travel with me, or at least just go out somewhere, which he cannot with me. I try, but as soon as the day comes when we planned something, I feel sick, basically run in the bathroom every five minutes. And it shows. I really try to not let him see that, because I want to make him happy, but of course he notices and at the end we end up not going somewhere or we do not go out at all. I manage now to go out a little bit ( there is a Caf right next to our place and there is a park nearby where we hang out) but we only do these two things, and it is boring him, which I understand. Because he just wants to do stuff. And it hurts me to see that he is in pain because of me, because I also affects him mentally. He also goes out with his friends, but he just really want to do other stuff with me too, for which I love him , because he just wants me to feel better. And it would devastate me to see him suffer more. Or worse, if he would leave me... which I would I kind of understand though.So, dear readers, has anybody any suggestions? Or people from Germany, do you have any idea how to get an appointment at a psychiatrist, in hope that a medication would help me? Thank you! In search of a psychiatrist in Germany",Depression +14538,"I have posted here a few times under different names. I do not really know why. I guess I am hoping to feel better by shouting into the ether. I know this will not do anything and no one will see it, but I find that oddly comforting. I have spent so long being a locked box that I do not know how to be anything else anymore so knowing no one is listening and that no one can help is a comfort. I am almost 30,but I have always known where I would end up. Even when I was a kid, I would cry myself to sleep knowing that one day, I would make everyone and everything around me miserable. Lo and behold, here I am. Married. Like an idiot. I just wanted to hope, you know? I just wanted to try to fight some cosmic destiny that I felt was waiting for me. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I could be happy? Maybe I could have a beautiful wife and child. But here I am. Married for 5 years and I have made the woman I love miserable. I have got a beautiful daughter that has to live with ME as a father. Why would I do that to someone? I am supposed to love these people and I was selfish enough to get involved in their lives. she is going to have some sort of emotional and behavioral issues just for being my daughter. Mental illness runs in the family, but I was too greedy to not walk away and let her live a life where she did not know me. Where my wife did not choose to marry me. And now they have to suffer for it. They have this waste of space of time in their lives because I was too much of a coward to end it when I was a teenager and now it is too late. I knew I would never be happy or make anyone happy since I was ten. And twenty years later, the proof is still here as plain as day, but I could not stop myself from trying to live a normal life. I could not accept that it was not what. I deserved. I know they will never see this. But I am sorry. I am truly sorry that you have had the horrible luck of meeting me. there is nothing I could do to ever make it up to either of you. I just hope you will forget me one day. This will get lost too. And that is okay.",Depression +14539,Another failed attempt.... Another week ot so of suffering. Why the hell this selfish god has not made a button to just die whenever you want Why he just does not kill useless person like me Damn it,Suicidal +14540,"Hi, redditors. First time posting. Dunno where else to put this.Little background: I am a fit, healthy (mostly) M23 with a history of chronic and sometimes severe depression and frequent (daily) suicidal thoughts with a couple minor attempts some years ago... I am not on any meds but am contemplating taking them lately.My story of my sad summer (so far)This year started off pretty good, finally moved out for the first time last year and have been fairly happy. Have had no luck with the girls I like, even though I am apparently quite handsome. They just lose interest after a while and I have sort of given up on asking any out. Have moved into an apt. more recently with a longtime best friend from HS, which has been decent enough but we are drifting apart because of typical roommate shit. I have accepted it and I am okay with it, I think I would be fine without them in my life after this year. I do not have many friends otherwise though, and the new people I meet are mostly temporary friends. COVID restrictions in my city have also made it tough, particularly because I have not seen most of my extended family in over a year.Other than that I was having my hours gouged at work for a job and company I already hated, they cut me down to 12ish hours a week before I had enough. I would had a few thousand dollars saved so decided to quit. it is been fine since then, but money does not last forever and I do not have enough to support me for long. it is been a month with a little labor work on the side and I am nearly broke again. I was partying too much this summer in general so that does not help my money problem, going to the beach and drinking almost every day... doing coke all night with all kinds of people. From strippers to eccentric youths I have met at said beach. Gradually I began to feel I had a problem, tried to cut back and failed, every time I drink I just lose all inhibition. Finally quit for maybe a couple weeks and stayed sober, was tough but I am alive. Looking for a new job still, maybe not looking as hard as I should, then I get some bad news about my cousin, that is also my age and in the same city, who was partying (like me) and OD'd on drugs I have done before and nearly (or maybe lowkey did) OD'd on too... He was braindead and in hospital for a few days. Then another friend from HS few days later same thing. They died one day and the next. That was a week and a half ago, I broke my sober streak pretty fast. I never tell my parents this kind of shit and it hurts talking about my cousin and friend even more, especially when they say some dumb shit like how they were stupid for what they did etc... I have lost 3 friends my age to drug overdoses this year now and I think it is all just hitting me at once like the cars of a trainwreck smashing into one another and unable to stop.On the upside my best friend's birthday was this last week, though I almost did not want to go but convinced myself to so I could have a good time, and while on a raging bender I went with them and friends to another city to party. I think I drank almost constantly from breakfast to bed for at least 5 days straight and hardly ate a meal a day... It was a good experience all things considered, I made a lot of good memories in Montreal... that entire day and night of my friend's bday in particular was like an indie film... but I do not know if I have ever gone that hard in my life and it scares me in hindsight. I was doing a few different drugs with those friends on the birthday as well, literally all day, and disappeared with half of the drugs to go bar hopping when they did not want to go out of the air BnB we were staying in. They were not happy, and I did not have a working phone for them to call me on... or any of their phone numbers.That night was great but the day after... that hangover was the scariest I have ever had, and the day before we would all left to Mtl I broke my phone after getting home with a stockpile of booze so could not call anyone. I was pretty sure I would suffer a heart attack if I got up off my couch and decidedly stayed put for the entire first day and night I was back. My heart was POUNDING from the withdrawals as I would probably taken enough alcohol and coke / molly for three people. I think part of me wanted to die, though I do not think I would have as I am a fit 23 year old male but... I was pretty sure I would be the next of my friends to overdose that day. I like to think this has been transformative, but I am still drinking and I think I have a long way to go to get out of this rut I have dug myself into... but I have been here before. I tell myself I will not commit suicide, even if it feels like it would solve all my problems and set me free, because I do not want to hurt my family and friends. I feel I owe them all my life, hopefully a good life. I still think of jumping from my balcony every day though.Going to see my cousin's grave tomorrow and say goodbye finally. Lots of family will be there and I will be sober. it is going to be thunder showers all day so I got an umbrella. I think it is fitting. Maybe the hard rain will wash the tears from my face and the stains from my soul. I have been crying more these past weeks than I have through my entire adult life and I am ready for it to stop. I am not religious either, I still consider myself an atheist (not so sure lately) but I have prayed to ""god"" and asked to let me bear the burden of my family's grief so theirs might be lessened. Among other things. So I think this pain will never go away and I will just try to be strong for them and myself instead. I am not sure what I want from this post except to write about it and get it off my chest. it is been keeping me up tonight. Maybe I will start writing poetry again.So thank you for reading, if you did. I hope all of you out there stay well, there is beauty and meaning out there if you look for it. I have been finding much of it lately, just do not expect it to fall into your lap. Go out and find it. there is all kinds of wonderful things out there just waiting for someone to stand witness. My Summer of Sadness",Depression +14541,"There is no long commentary hereJust know everything is no longer worth it. The toil of it all. I exercise out of anger. I walk to feel escape and walk in circles like a hamster in a wheel.I think of what life would be like outside of hereFUCKING FUCK! This entire system is a fucking scam. I am not SHIT for my military service. I am not shit because I pursue an education.All I ever was is a lackey and a moron training to one day be somebody is FUCKING EMPLOYEE.We are all DAMNED. DAMNED to never live fulfilling lives.Psychology, the highest eptiome of the pyramid is self actualization according to Maslow.I am self aware to know that all I needAll that could solve my entire problems in life is chump change for somebody somewhere.Grant me escape, be a true messiah unlike the phony idols people worship. I hope for it. I wish it. All it is is useless.All I am is profit and capital. If I knew back when that all the suffering I would go through would be for nothing, would I have even tried? I no longer have motivation or anything worth looking forward to besides a future of suffering.",Depression +14542,he is not going to come back and I am losing hope rapidly. i think it is time then. i did not plan this but i guess that is that realization,Suicidal +14543,"I have kind of been suicidal since middle school, but it has not been this bad in a while. I am 241 days clean from self harm and 172 days clean from purging. I am proud of myself. i was in a really good place for a while. but now, every day, it gets harder and harder to resist. its been 3 weeks exactly since she left me. i loved (and still do) her so much. today i realized she would unfollowed/blocked me on various social media platforms. i did not know she wanted so much distance from me, especially since she claimed she wanted to stay friends. I do not know if i can live life without her. genuinely. we were together for 1 year and 7 months and 1 day. it was the best partnership I have ever had. she was the perfect match for me. so beautiful, so fun and vibrant and alive. she is passionate, smart, and so caring. she loved me so much and treated me so well. she made me feel special. but somewhere along the line i guess something just went wrong because now she does not want me anymore. and that truth has broken me completely. I am going to college in the fall and dreading it. I am terrified of moving away from my family, especially my mom. i do not want to go but do not have any other options because all the other possible life paths i can think of (going to a different college, staying home, gap year programs, etc) sound just as bad or worse. because no matter what i do, the girl i love will not be with me. i just do not think its worth living anymore because i truly feel that the best part of my life (when we were first together during my junior year of high school) is over. i had literally everything i wanted back then- the girl of my dreams, a lead role in the school play, a bunch of friends. i do not have that anymore and i do not think its coming back. that is why dying feels like a good option. everyone says ill meet someone else but i do not think i WANT anyone else. id never loved anyone before her. she is everything i want in a girl. i do not even find other people sexually attractive. only her. so that makes me feel like ill just be lonely for the rest of my life. its also really hard to believe that someone would ever see me as worth loving and want to spend their life with me. i think she was my only chance. i tried to text her today because i wanted to ask why she unfollowed me and make sure we were still cool, since i had thought we at least left things on a good note. she did not respond. when she broke up with me she told me she still loved me but i think that love is gone now. that means no one loves me. no one wants me. i am completely and entirely alone and unloved. i do not think i can handle that. so, yeah. i want to kill myself over a girl. its kind of cliche. but the quality of my life has plummeted now that she is gone. no one is helping me. my parents are not taking my pain seriously, my mom gets mad when i cry. my dad does not know what to do or say. i genuinely do not feel like i have anything worth living for. the only thing stopping me is the fact that any method i can think of would probably hurt pretty badly and I have already suffered through enough pain. but maybe it would be worth it. i could be in heaven with my friend who died. i just want my girl to come back. if she did, life would not be perfect, but it would be good enough to be worth living. sadly, i do not think any of you can help me with that, lol. if you read all of this though, thanks. it means a lot. if anyone has any advice, feel free to share it with me. i do not want to kill myself- i just feel like i HAVE to. so yeah. that is all. i want to kms bc my gf broke up with me",Suicidal +14544,"what is happening to me? I am taking medicine for Bipolar Disorder, but it does not look like the symptomes, it is too quick of a mood swing.What is the issue here? I am confused. I LOVE ME at mornings, but I HATE ME during afternoons :(I also wake up very early, because I am super motivated and energized and positive. Waking up extremely motivated, energized, and want to change the world. Then it falls down in a matter of hours and I barely get out of the bed. Until the evening when the motivation comes back...When i have to go to sleep...",Depression +14545,hi so this is a real post and I do not really want to talk about it so anywaysI randomly spilled out lots of random pills Paracetamol ibuprofen and literally just random shit half of it probably will not even do anything but a pill is a pill and I wanted to do it. All the paracetamols were like 500mg and may have been around 25 pills in total funny thing is I was going to take loads of vitamins too lmao so also I cannot tell you the pills because I am not sure if its important I will find the packets on the floor but rn I cba to get up and cba to do anything in this case. So anyways my question is how fucked am I This is a real post and I may need help I am not sure and please reply,Depression +14546,At a ripe age of 15 I fucking hate life my bestfriend/dad dying at 13 right before my birthday. I am just tired and you know I am so done with it all. I just have to forget it all and be done with everything. I just feel sad and tired and want to finally rest and I feel like this the only way to do it. My mom puts constant pressure and does not understand me. I just have to figure when I should do it I am so tired. I am just tired,Suicidal +14547,I randomly spilled out lots of random pills Paracetamol ibuprofen and literally just random shit half of it probably will not even do anything but a pill is a pill and I wanted to do it. All the paracetamols were like 500mg and may have been around 25 pills in total funny thing is I was going to take loads of vitamins too lmao so also I cannot tell you the pills because I am not sure if its important I will find the packets on the floor but rn I cba to get up and cba to do anything in this case. So anyways my question is how fucked am I hi so this is a real post and I do not really want to talk about it so anyways,Suicidal +14548,"My life has been a shit storm this past year the hits just never stopped coming and the final shoe dropped when I had to face the fact that my boyfriend of 3 years and I were not good for each other. I was an enabler for his poor behavior and I made him feel like he was not my first priority. This past week has been torture, plain and simple. Usually I can argue with my demons and get them to pull back enough that I can get shit done. But lately... goddess is it bad. I get hunger pains but all food just tastes like ash and hits my stomach like a bag full of river stones. I have lost 15 pounds in a week. My brother needs to be granted sainthood for picking me up and locking me in the bathroom until I showered. I can barely get the energy to sit up in bed much less do anything else. From sheer stubborn will I have been able to take care of my responsibilities albeit very poorly. I have always had depression, from the time I was a small child. But this..I just want it to stop. I refuse to drive anywhere without a family member to help me watch the road. I am not suicidal but I find myself crossing the street just wishing someone would hit me with their car. Its harder to push the thoughts away. I am not going to give in but damn it hurts when my family huffs at me like I am just being melodramatic. Ever the drama queen they say. Even as they tiptoe around me like a bomb waiting to go off. I have this well of a beast inside me and they seem to think because of their own trips and own techniques in dealing with the disease that I just need to get the fuck over it. I wish I could but I just cannot. I feel like I am screaming and crying and numb inside all at once.I do not know what to do at this point. I am the caretaker for my family and if I break no one is going to get fed, the house is not going to get clean and no one will get to their doctors appointments. But I am cracking. it is back and it is bad",Depression +14549,its my bday and i hate it Hate my bday,Depression +14550,"I know I cannot keep living like this, but that I can, and that I will, and that I am going to. There is no other way but to continue",Depression +14551,"I am in my bf's room and I am going to go to my new job in 6 hrs. I needed comfort and hugs to feel secure and lessen my anxiety. I explain my worries and how I feel useless, then later, I tell him I wanted to get food from downstairs with him. I wanted some food to ease my anxiety. I ask him if he was hungry. He tells me no, then I quickly change my decision bc I did not want to make him go down with me if he was not going to eat. He snaps at me and tells me hates when I get like this. I ask him if he was annoyed w me. He tells me yes, bc you are not like this and you would normally go down for food if you were not feeling so anxious. I get extremely saddened by what he said, I think because I was already not feeling so good and him saying that made my tears well up. I get quiet and look away because I did not want to choke on my tears. He asks me what is wrong and why I am not saying anything and he sounded more annoyed when I was quiet and shaky with my responses. I just wish he would be empathetic rather than trying to fix things and be logical all the time. How hard is it to give someone a hug and comfort them and tell them everything will be okay. Whoever reads this, please, any words of comfort will make me feel better. Thank you. I just want comfort",Depression +14552,"I used to dream and fantasize about getting into a prestigious college. I used to make great grades. That all changed when depression came along and ruined my life. Went to a less selective school my freshman year of college and dropped out the spring semester due to suicidal depression. Moved cities for a new scenery. Worked and had a film internship. Depression appeared again so I quit the film internship because I literally had no energy. Got fired from two jobs. I quit the community college classes I was taking. I had planned to transfer to this university in my city but my grades were not good enough to get in. So now I am stuck going to a subpar school. I have thought about seriously killing myself many times for 4 years. Attempted one time. I think my life is ruined. I keep reading the college you go to does influence success. Now look at me. Every time I think my life is getting better, it gets worse. I desperately want to have a life worth living. I am so lonely and have messed up my life so bad. I have never even been in a relationship. Will life get better or am I in a death sentence? Really thinking of ending it all Cursed due to a depressed brain",Suicidal +14553,"um well so far my life has been pretty shit to say the least I grew up emotionally abused but a black household does not see it that way which sucks in all honesty I mean I have been thinking about suicide for 4 years and I cannot keep going on like this. I cannot talk to anyone in my family because of my crippling social anxiety, I have tried to get better with all this depressing sad shit and it has not worked one bit I have done up to everything suggested and things I have thought of myself and none of it has worked I have only felt good for a few days then I went back spiraling into my emotions for along time I have hated the way life was and the way people behaved and acted towards each other and me. Sometimes I wake up with thoughts of hurting people or hurting myself daily and I would not even be able to speak to a family member about getting a therapist or psychiatrist because they do not believe in that one bit and I do not know what to do because I sometimes feel no emotional attachment towards my family I am not even 18 yet and my birthdays next month I in reality did not want to make it there because all I wanted was a family that I felt love from and to be loved (yes anti-climatic i know) but I have had very bad self doubt and it just gets worse I have hated my appearance and I have hated the way I have looked for years I have always felt ugly tried many things to feel better about my appearance but nothing works in all honesty (lol I know I am spewing random shit but this is the best I can do) I wanted to be happy for along time and I am still trying but I have given up hope after today. There was a girl that I cared about very much (skip the blah blah shit) we broke up and she told me she had feelings for my best friend after reassuring me that she did not like him (he liked her) they are now together :) and I am just stuck here in a horrible position I have wanted to kill myself for along time I just cannot find a way successfully Either today or the next few days I am going to end everything",Suicidal +14554,"Idk when, but I know that I am going to be dead from suicide soon. I just do not know how or when I would do it. Someone help me out please. I do not want my life to end I want to be happy. Help Killing myself",Depression +14555,Just curious because everything just says they help elevate your mood but that is very vague. I struggle more with a thought of meaninglessness of my life. It feels less like a feeling and more like an awareness. Just wondering if antidepressants would actually prevent me from thinking this or if its more of a thing I need to just do some therapy for? Thanks and sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. Would an ssri help me?,Depression +14556,Sometimes I feel like a sociopath. There will be moments I laugh or get mad. But I barely cry and I do not feel this love that people claim to feel in a relationship. I know I used to have that love feeling and I know I used to cry. But it feels hard to feel those things and I almost have to force it to put on an act. it is a constant struggle to appear normal to others and I am slowly losing my patience with myself. Am I losing my emotions? Emotions,Depression +14557,Everything I try to do to feel better fails and so much shit just continues to turn on me. I am so sick of what I have become and what I am feeling. I just want to quit and die. I just want to fucking die please. I fucking quit I just want to die,Depression +14558,i set a date; august 28th. do not really feel anything anymore. I am so tired i just do not want to be lonely anymore,Suicidal +14559,"Nothings enjoyable anymore. At work I do not have friends and cannot figure out how to have a conversation with anyone. At home my mom hates me. Video games used to be my escape but now they do not do anything for me and the people who were my friends just get on to talk about themselves, ignore me when then disappear for 2 months.Idk what to do I do not want to wake up anymore",Depression +14560,"I live alone, do not talk to anyone regularly enough for them to notice I went MIA. there is literally no way it would not work out unless my attempt is unsuccessful and I wake up. I am so tired. I am weighing my options. The bad far outweighs the good. Nothing ever feels right. I am never happy. I am so tired of always being either tired, depressed, angry or numb. Just alternating between those emotions. I do not believe I will ever be content. I am tired of lashing out at people and taking my anger and unhappiness out on them. I am tired of being such a toxic person. I am toxic because I am deeply depressed but I do not even think that is an excuse. I have become such a shitty person. I hate myself, truly. I think 27 years of misery is enough torture. What am I going on for? I know what is waiting for me. The depression never goes and the anger only gets more and more unbearable. What am I afraid of? Why do not I just do it? Everyone dies. In this world, nothing is certain, except death and taxes. I think that is how the saying goes. If I am going to die eventually, does it really matter when? what is this all for? Why am I allowing myself to stay in pain like this? For what? Every day is just me trying to get through the day. There is nothing pleasurable about life for me. I need to get over this fear of death, for my own sake. nobody would even find me",Suicidal +14561,"I have had these thoughts for a while. for an extremely, long while. i always planned my future suicides to either be a car crash where it involved me driving on a highway alone in the darkness and no one will see me crash after going 100+ mph, or i apply for a gun permit/license and use it to buy me a handgun and shoot it myself. I have hurt people I have loved and i regret it so much, even if they forgave me. I have broken so many promises and let so many people down. i have grudges against myself everyday and i cannot seem to forgive myself for anything. i hope something happens to me. i want to die I am miserable and i want to end it so badly",Suicidal +14562,that is all i fucking need i just want somebody to talk to me please somebody please talk to me,Suicidal +14563,"I have been having suicidal thoughts for about a week now, I just feel horrible. I thought I was getting a little better since I have started antidepressants but I just idk. I cannot help but think it is so easy just ending it, all I need to do is find a place to hang myself and let everything else take it is course. I do not know what is really stopping me .I do not want to be here, I hate the way I am and the way I do things. I hate everything about myself. I do not care what happens to my family when I will be gone, it will not matter since I will not be here anywayI'm just tired of it it is so easy",Depression +14564,"I live with my parents (16) and I need to find a way to make it so they will not know for a few days. Thinking of saying I am staying at a friends house and going off into the woods, give them a fake address for my friend because they do not have any connection to them. Also do not want my friends to know but the only ones my parents are able to contact also does not have this friends address. I want to kill myself tonight, problem is I have work in the morning and it would be so fucking selfish to leave them short handed. Maybe tomorrow night, then. Any other ideas to make sure nobody knows where I am for a few days? Hoping to OD on caffeine pills, how to make sure parents do not know for a few days.",Suicidal +14565,"I have been told many times to ""stop being negative"" and learn to ""love myself."" I do not, because I hate so much about myself and it is nothing I can change. I hate how I look, I am non-binary and am disgusted at my physical form. I hate the family I was born into and they have made me into the fucked up person I am today and I am in a situation where I am stuck with them. (I am disabled from physical and mental health, but I do not trust and am paranoid about doctors, hospitals, therapists and what interacts/experience I have had was all bad and my parents cannot move. I am socially anxious and terrified of the outdoors so I just live in my room at my parents house. I was homeschooled and we live in a small town so I have no friends IRL.) I am attracted to women, but I am unattractive and boring looking and have a kind of boring personality. My mental state has been royally fucked to the point I have lost most care in the world. I have no energy, I am tired all of the time, easily get frustrated/angry, I am a coward, I am paranoid, and I am useless and worthless... I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager (I am 33). I have a lot of differing opinions about the world, society, life, people that I know most of the world would not agree and think I am crazy or fucked up. I also have fucked up thoughts that would freak the hell out of people. I am too different and everything I have had to suffer in my life...the damage is done.I wish things could be different. There were periods in my time I had hope or I tried, but it always failed. I am a human like everyone else, with similar desires, but not everyone gets what they want or even need. Not everyone gets help, not everyone gets cured, not everyone gets saved. it is called life, it sucks, I hate it, but I have come to a place of acceptance. I will be alone, I will be isolated, I will have to rely on distraction from getting through this miserable life. Thankfully, I have a vast imagination and since I was a kid I have lived in my head. In my imagined world I can be who I want, look how I want, have what I want, achieve what I would like, be with who I want...But occasionally I have moments where depression really fucks with me. Voices in my head reminds me how fucked up my life is, how alone I really am, how I will never have what I see and hear what others get and so easily because their life turned out better and they had a better chance at gaining a life. The world in my head is so much better then reality and I wish it was real, for my sake and the sake of so many others who can relate somewhat. Life Made Me What I Am (Venting)",Depression +14566,I really need to talk to someone. I am still struggling through my first heartbreak and I do not see I will survive it if I do not have anyone to talk to and no I am not being dramatic and tell me to call a hotline you might as well finish me yourself. Heartbroken,Suicidal +14567,it is so hard Not interested in carrying on,Suicidal +14568,"Many have said this; Death is not scary, it is the uncertainty of what comes after it. I have tons of things I want to accomplish, yet they feel so far away. I have friends, but they do not feel genuine. Even if I try to find a home in this world, I feel like I do not belong anywhere. it is so hard to trust anyone, humans can easily fake emotions. I am so afraid and tired of everything. If I was not afraid of pain, I might have killed myself a long time ago.",Suicidal +14569,"being sad sucks, but at least with me, I had someone to help me not feel so aloneBut then there is the anger. That I would usually direct at the friend, over the idea I got into my head they were trying to be mean to me. Or I was just so angry at them for doing better than I was. it is so messed up but I felt, and still do maybe, like they wanted me punished and to feel bad, so I would spit venom at them. They left, naturally as one would do. I am still angry when I think I would rather just be crying right now. Both suck but I do not like being this angry at all. I mean, had a failed suicide attempt last week, but it was out of heartbreak and depression. Sure, those hurt, but adding in anger just hurts so much more. Now I am just sitting here a week later, (maybe mor actually, I do not pay much attention to the date anymore) sad and fuming at myself for being stupid about ensuring I would be alone forever and being mean to literally the only person who gave a damn about me. Or I would hope they did;See, the depression's so bad just also has me thinking that I do not know what is real and if people are out to get me. Joy, paranoia is just what I need to tack onto my issues /sBut that is Something else to talk to my therapist about pointlessly for 40 minutes before I go back to laying in bed being sad and angry at myself and imagining that everyone hates me, even though I do not speak to anyone regularly and I do not go out much. My therapist is great, sound advice that I just do not understand how to do or I ruined my life already so starting over seems less ideal than just giving up. that is my vent. And yes I am very embarrassed about it. Supposed to be able to deal with stuff and keep it to myself and not bother others but tonight sucked. going to go eat yogurt and then pass out for the night hoping that entire pizza I ate earlier gives me a heart attack in my sleep or someshit, bleh. I would really prefer the crushing sadness by itself than the mix of rage, tbh",Suicidal +14570,"Please let me preface this by saying I am not trying to insult anyone or flex or brag and I am very aware a lot of people are less fortunate than me. I work 3 jobs, 7 days a week, 60 or so hours a week. I pull in. $2400 a month sometimes up to $3000 and have done so for the last year. My monthly expenses come to about $1700 a month and yet I never have more that $300 or so in my account unless I plan on buying something big. Last year it was $1200 on flight sim controls I think I have used like 10 times since I bought them. I have slowly added more pieces to a drum kit I can hardly play, I just rebuilt a new computer two months ago, and last week I bought a 3D printer to make DnD minis. It was not until two days ago when I started looking for a bigger new computer case for my just built rig that I realized that I am just spending money to buy stuff I do not need.I think I am doing this because I constantly feel lonely. No significant other and I do not really socialize outside of work. Does anyone else spend money on expensive things like this? Again sorry if it sounds like I am bragging. Spending money to fill the hole??",Depression +14571,Recently lost someone as in they did not want to be in my life anymore. I am now feeling like self harming and drinking is the solution to the pain. Really do not want to wake up anymore at this point. Feeling it,Suicidal +14572,I think I am done and just ready to give up. I keep trying just to be ignored so what is the point? .,Depression +14573,I have been sitting with a gun for hours and i just cannot do it. why why cannot i die,Suicidal +14574,"i am an atheist, and i am terrified of death because of two reasons: eternal life, and ceasing to exist. i have a fear of eternal life or heaven, because i do not want to live forever because if you think about it, it is a horrible fate because you will be bored for eternity. i also have a fear of death, because i have extremely close relationships with my friends and a select amount of family members, and i do not want to loose all of my memories of my life and my personality and all of my friends and family that i love. i am also afraid of being afraid of death, because the whole christian religion with heaven is that if you believe in heaven, then you get to go there, but if heaven is really real, and all of my friends and family go there and i am stuck in hell or eternal death,i would loose on an eternity of being with my loved ones, and i would not even know it, but i would spend that whole eternity in fear because i would not even know if it is real or not. now I am kind of just rambling so I am going to stop talking and just ask you this: is there any way to get over this fear? how to deal with the fear of death",Depression +14575,"i do not give a shit about how it will make others feel, i do not give a shit about how painful it might be, it do not give a shit about the after-effects of it, i do not care about anything. My life is so completely fucked that I cannot repair it anymore and it is selfish for OTHERS to want me to stay. I am NOT being selfish wanting to die because apparently everything has to revolve around the feelings of other people and my feelings do not matter. i do not even feel sad when i think about doing it anymore.",Suicidal +14576,"Exactly what the title says. Hollow and grey on the inside. do not have a single soul to express how i truly feel. I am 18 turning 19 in a week. Wish i never existed but with my luck.. I just had to be the one motherfuckin sperm that actually gets to the egg. Built this girl a whole brand new basement, got to know her really well, and even had her mom fall in love with me, and things were going great.. until she chose another man over me. that is okay i do not expect a damn thing from anybody. Nobody owes me shit. At least the very temporary company helped comfort my pain so slightly. Stuck working a back breaking job (general contractor) for my pops company. Underpaid as hell. Others my age are doing much less work and making much more money. Already got bad lower back pain at 18. Its all cool, hes my pops and i understand that I need to sacrifice some things. starting my second year of university in september (studying supply chain management). Forced to go to school solely because of my mom. Its okay, i guess ill get the degree to make her happy. First year was nothing due to covid. I also study the highest level of professional day trading education possible. I value lifting and being healthy so I incorporate the gym about 5-6x a week. its hard doing all this with nobody whatsoever. I pray and ask Jesus the Lord himself if he would just please bring a women in my life in his name and grace. Its sad to say it, but I just do not know if he answers my prayers. Nobody cares about me man, I feel alienated from human society. everything is bottled in, I am so stressed out that I got vitiligo. All i do is slave and work all damn day and it feels like nothing is progressing or getting accomplished. I am broke, broken, lonely, sad, hurt, angry, fragile. Trying my hardest to battle this. its so difficult man. Its all sinking in; Her picking another man over me, My friends ditching me for no reason, Running this damn contracting business with just my dad, literally not another soul (brutal back work), Being broke as fuck even tho it feels like I am working 16 hours a day. Trying to get the stock trading down so I do not lose my back and my dad at 21. Lifes pressuring me man. Just want a damn hug. Just seems like I put everyone else happiness first, and I finish last. I am praying for a sign, I am praying God turns my life around. I have officially hit rock bottom man. Goodnight, hopefully tomorrow is a good day in the markets so I can hopefully retire without a herniated disc. I have nobody. sad lonely and hurt",Depression +14577,I love you so much and I do not want to leave you because I know leaving you will hurt you so instead I am going to move to a cabin in the woods so you can call and write letters until you eventually get bored of doing that or give up doing that because you think that it is too much effort to salvage the relationship and when enough time goes by for you to forget about me I am going to end my life because I am not meant for this world I am too sick and I am too sad and I am too broken to continue this pattern sometimes I wish I was like you and I could handle it but I cannot and you might say I have not even tried like all of those sleepless nights when I told you I could not sleep and you said that I have not even tried even though i have for the past few hours I love you so much and I do not want you to think that this is your fault because it is not and I need you to know that :): moving to a cabin in the woods,Suicidal +14578,"I do not think I have clinical depression, I have situational depression. This world keeps beating me up and I cannot get a break. here is my story: I am 26 with loads of mental issues: extreme anxiety, depersonalization, borderline, high sensitivity to noises and smells. I also do not have any friends due to social anxiety, the only people I have close to me is my parents. But, living with them is hell due to the fact that my mom is a hoarder. I have been suffering living in this house for years and I have been dying to get out. I am extremely sensitive to noise and smells and I really need my own place so I can feel hygienic and clean and organized. This house grosses me out so much sometimes I feel like I cannot breathe. well finally last year I got a job and I work from home now, finally I can afford to move out. problem is I have been looking for a place since October , looking at both buying or renting, and I cannot find a place at all. I have put multiple offers on houses , offered way over asking price, all got rejected because I got beat out by cash offers. when it comes to Apartments there are none available so I am on a bunch of waitlists. All I want is my own space so I can actually cook homemade meals and feel clean and breathe clean air. Is that so much to ask for? Why does this world want me to suffer? How do I keep going when the world is against me",Depression +14579,"I know my depression is bad when***funny, obscure answers only, for example I know my depression is bad when I start listening to Christina Perri Finish the sentence",Depression +14580,"Just feeling like there is no point to anything. The point when video games are not even enough anymore is a rough point.Instead of killing myself, Il'll watch a movie while I pet my cat and then sleep or read lord of the rings.&#x200B;Life is random, guys. Randomness is a savior",Suicidal +14581,Today I looked up how much it would cost to have myself cremated. it is my new goal for my twitch earnings. I do not want my family to have to come up with that amount. I do not want to burden anyone. Research,Suicidal +14582,"I want to die, but it is scary to do it myself. I want to die in my sleep . I even wished to God to die but I know He would not do that. So I think of wishing to a devil. But that does not seem possible too. :(",Suicidal +14583,"I have been depressed for so fucking long but as of right now I kind of just do not feel anything. Like I really do not give a shit what happens to anything or anyone. I do not want to die but I do not want to live. I am always sick for some reason and I am always tired, its like my body has just given up. I like the idea of hanging myself in the woods and waiting for someone to stumble across my body. I cannot do that tho. I live a boring life as well, I do not find anything interesting anymore. I do not know what happened to me. I want to just stop existing",Depression +14584,"I am pretty sure I have completely ruined my hips. Its my place to cut. Now its my place to hide. No more full frontal reddit pics for fun, my hips are constantly being bandaged or cut. It makes me feel like I have some control in this fucked up life. The only thing bringing me pleasure is the pain Making scars",Depression +14585,"I like many other adolescents hate school/college. Except I really hate it. Like really really really hate it. The last 4 years of school for me has been a very Trumatic experience. I have tried so damn hard not to hate it, and at this point I am just like screw it you know what yeah it sucks. I hate it. So anyway I have this obsession with checking how many weeks of summer vacation I have left to make sure I still have an adequate amount of time before I have to face more trauma. The thing is I have quite a bit of time left in reality, about two months still, which when I am in my right mind I realize that I have nothing to worry about and I still have a pretty generous portion of my off time left but I get this crazy anxiety whenever I think about school or the mere thought of September and I spiraled back down into this whole of agonizing over how much time I have left. Its completely irrational, I know. Does anyone else experienced this? Extreme summer anxiety",Depression +14586,"I apologize for such a long post, and I recognize that this may have been better in r/vent.it is just that all the time it is like I have a voice in my head telling me to just kill myself (not an actual voice, I do not hear voices that are not there). It feels redundant and pointless to say it, but yeah I have very serious depression. I had a therapist until May when my college closed, and I sought one earlier in the summer but kept getting anxiety about scheduling appointments. I have also tried getting a summer job but that is taken way longer than I would hoped. I did not want to schedule therapy which would conflict with my work schedule, so I was waiting till my work schedule was settled, but I still have not even done orientation yet. I am just so anxious about whether so many things will work out that I just freeze and wait for them not to. I am on Lexapro and while that was incredibly helpful a year ago, it does not feel like it is doing anything at all, maybe it is that I take it at a different time each day (late in the day too, I do not have the willpower to go to bed before 2:00 AM these days or wake up earlier than 2:00 PM)? Maybe I have not taken it for long enough?I just feel like I have totally lost the will to live. I do not want to die but I almost do not want to live either. My whole life I have been so depressed and the few times when I have felt genuinely happy just made me almost more depressed as I realized how rare it is for me to feel genuinely happy. The only things that really make me happy are my friends, my crush, Warhammer, and the occasional TV show. Everything else I ""enjoy"" is something that at best just makes me feel less awful. I do not have the energy for much of anything and I used to have other things i enjoyed they just do not bring me joy anymore.it is to the point that I am spending far more than is wise on Warhammer minis just because it is the only thing I have access to that does not make me want to kill myself. Modeling is one of the only things I get joy from, to build something with my hands as a creative pursuit to throw together stuff from different kits to make something my own with its own story I write. But I do not have the energy, patience, or willpower for painting anymore. So it all just ends up in various shades of grey.I have just been worn down by this depressing world to the point where I can hardly bear to be here anymore. So many people work SO hard and barely get a pittance. I am still passionate about my area of study (game design) but the job market is so competitive that I am unlikely to find work at all in that industry. I would consider a gap year or dropping out entirely but the friends I have made there are one of the only things that make me feel like staying, not to mention my crush there. I would consider changing major but that means more debt and I am less so much less passionate about other subjects. Every semester I say to myself ""this is the one, you will ask her out and try a relationship"" but there is always an obstacle. First it was fear of intimacy, then pandemic, fear of intimacy, and depression. I cannot conduct a relationship feeling like this, it is unfair to my partner, but the prospect of waiting or letting her leave my life seems nearly as bleak.TL;DR None of my dreams are attainable, the job market is too competitive, the world does not pay enough, and I cannot get my shit together for a relationship so the girl of my dreams is going to walk out of reach before I can do anything about it. I know when your back's against a wall all you are supposed to do is fight, but I am just tired. I am tired all the time. I do not want to die, but I do not want to live in a world that is so depressing, even apart from my own mental illness. Can I my brain not tell me to kill myself for five minutes?",Suicidal +14587,Nothing i do matters. it is all for nothing.,Suicidal +14588,"I thought a vaccine would make me feel safe, but I am not. I am certain I will get a breakthrough case which will leave me on a ventilator unless I kill myself. And then everyone in the hospital will be yelling at me. I cannot do that. I need to find a way to kill myself before this virus does This pandemic has got me",Suicidal +14589,For dinner should I eat canned pumpkin or crackers dipped in expired peanut butter powder Help me choose,Depression +14590,"I do not really know what to do right now because I feel awful and I feel sad and I feel so out of it but also so stuck in my head. I do not even know how I feel and I hate how my brain always goes back to suicide no matter how much I try to kick the habit.I will tell my brain to stop, that I cannot rely on suicide, that it is getting old, but nothing I can do will make it stop. I am tired and I am tired of never seeing my therapist, and honestly, I do not really even believe in therapy anymore. And I am tired of taking medicine because I do not really think it is doing much to me except making me bored and uncreative. And I know that is not the case. I know that I crave off of feeling in extremes and that not feeling in extremes does not mean that I am not feeling at all and it is okay to be baseline sometimes and that does not mean that I am not capable of feeling, ever.I just feel that at this point, I have exhausted all options. Any time I actually felt better was just me being distracted. I feel like I am never going to get better. I can grow up and graduate college and become a CEO or get everything I could ever want or change the world in any way I want, and I would still think about suicide.I feel like I should just give in and accept its control over me. I am so tired of it at this point. it is not even manic depression anymore. it is burnout, it is frustration, it is desperation. giving in.",Suicidal +14591,"HelpI had thoughts of cutting for about a week. I read posts I looked at the warnings, it did not stop me. I have been cutting for 2 days now and I cannot stop. I know its wrong but it feels so good. Is something wrong with me? I do not understand I am almost 22 and never have had thoughts like this. Am I doing it safely? I am using razors and cutting the outside of my thigh... I need someone to talk to",Depression +14592,\(_o)/ Does this world need me in it?,Suicidal +14593,"I mean, not having money is like a slow death sentence. Forget the material stuff, in this life you got to pay for food, water, clothing, medicines, or a place to stay, things you need to keep existing.I bet life before money was a lot simpler. Humans just needed to worry about hunting for food, they lived in their small huts made of straw, stone or whatever, and I do not think they ever sat on a rock and pondered about their existence, wishing to die.Nowadays people will even kill or do some horrible stuff in order to get some stupid pieces of paper with faces and numbers in them, because that is the only thing that can keep you alive in this goddamn fucked up shitty world. it is crazy how your life must depend on money",Suicidal +14594,"I do not want to be here but I am scared of another failed attempt, i have to get it right this time. I am so sick of living.",Suicidal +14595,"it is not even something I can work towards. I just do not like the life I have been given. I want a big happy family, instead of my small family where my dad died when I was young, my mom's emotionally distant, and I do not have any siblings. I want a body I love, or even LIKE, but I hate a lot about myself that I cannot change without plastic surgery. I want to have been born to a well-off family, so I would not have had to spend my childhood poor and my adult life struggling to catch up. I want a world where my friends did not all move away, or even where it is just safe to go outside. And if I am being really honest? I would like a world with some real magic in it, where things are fun and exciting. This world is just suffer, work and die. I know a lot of people say ""it is hard to get out of bed,"" but I have been struggling lately. The other day I had to go lay down because I was so depressed/exhausted, I could not even sit at my computer. I just do not have hope anymore. I want a different life",Depression +14596,therapy had not worked well for me in the past and even though I have been considering trying yet again I know the last thing I want to do is to go on any medications again considering all of their side effects. I need help so badly and I do not know where to turn. life is not worth the grief anymore seeking help,Suicidal +14597,"I was talking to a friend about how I always think it would be great to just never wake up, or be suddenly killed, etc. She was super freaked out and said she did not realize I am suicidal I was trying to explain that I am not going to hurt myself, it would just be cool to not exist anymore, and that is just normal for me. Has your normal ever freaked someone out? Does your normal make others nervous?",Depression +14598,Its not that I want to die but I do not want to exist. I want to live just not in so much pain and it seems like I am always in pain with nothing to look forward to. I daydream about slitting my wrists. I want nothing more to not exist and those thoughts do not even scare me anymore. I welcome them. I wake up everyday wishing I did not and sleep is the closest thing to death so I sleep as much as I can. I envy the people who have done it because I have yet to get the courage to and that makes me tired too. I have nothing left. I am tired.,Depression +14599,"My therapist told me that meeting new people was something I should try since I have been feeling an increased sense of loneliness along with my depression. I decided to try joining a few groups and posting online. My existence was pretty much ignore by most people which sucks but was not the end of the world. The toughest thing was the insults that people began sending me. I am a little chubby, goth, and black which I got bullied a lot about in high school. People spit on me or threw things at me. I was hit so hard in the eye that I bled. It all made me feel so small and insignificant that it was difficult to ever really trust people again. It took so much for me to try and put myself out there again, especially during a darker moment in my depression. All that became of it was me being mocked and called names just like I used to. Now I feel more worthless than I ever have. I just want to disappear and I do not really know how to dig myself out of this hole. My attempt to meet new people went horribly wrong now my depression is twice as bad.",Depression +14600,"First and foremost I want to clarify that I recommend anyone and everyone to at least try therapy if you are struggling mentally, seriously. This is more based off of personal experience and yours could be totally different. Lots of people have had their lives saved from it. For me, though, I feel like I am so hopeless and such a lost because that therapy will not do much for me. I feel like this because I am not actually going to make the effort to do anything a therapist tells me to do. Whether that be eating better, exercising more, journaling every day, whatever else. there is tons of great advice therapists have in store, but I do not have enough effort to actually do any of it. that is on me obviously, I do not blame anyone else for my lack of effort. Its just how I feel whenever I think of trying therapy again. I feel like therapy only works if you are actually willing to better yourself.",Depression +14601,"When you are outwardly chipper and the folks around you do not know or would not understand what you are dealing with, It makes you feel even worse when you cannot talk to anyone about how long its been since you have bathed, brushed your teeth, or changed your bedsheets. And your apartment is so disgusting, you could never have anyone over. I can go to work although it is a challenge, but when I am not at work I am in my bed watching true crime shows and crushing candy on my phone. kind of sucks",Depression +14602,"I am 27 years old and have grown deeper into a depression since I was about 24/25. When the going gets tough, my mind goes to suicide more quickly. I have this odd obsession with death even outside of suicide (no, I have never had the urge to hurt anyone. Its more of a pondering). I am just going to go on a rant. Maybe you will have advice, support, or inspiration. Ill take it. Surfacing complex family issues are unraveling forcing me to confront my perfect childhood as a facade. My mom needs counseling and will not help herself. She hates me possibly because I was a daddys girl, and my dad was lying, cheating, and manipulating her for most of their marriage. They stayed together for the kids until I was 17. Despite this I have always seen my father as more of the logical, stable, and supportive parent. Now I wonder if he actually loved me or if that was a facade too, psychopathic even? It seems melodramatic typing that out but as my dad gets older and his political views 180, I wonder if I even know the real person behind my father. My mother cannot see me as anything other than an unruly, irresponsible teenager even though I have supported myself financially 100% since I was 18 and been employed since I was 15. she is toxic and constantly negative. I keep falling for her tricks of inviting me to house-sit for her abroad (she built this house with child support money that I have never seen a dollar of). then when I arrive after a $500 flight and getting permission from my work to stay employed remotely, she flips the script: she stays for 2.5 weeks, makes me pay her bills while I am here, tells me to bring a friend and then talks shit about them the whole time to me, and me to them. She shames my body and my sexuality making me feel worthless. I am flexible to accommodate for her change in plans and then she flips whenever, thinking she is doing ME a favor for letting me stay in her beautiful Costa Rican house. The last time I tried to tell her how I felt about our relationship she said I needed to seek help with that. Which yes, I clearly do need lots of therapy and counseling. But our relationship will not heal unless she gets help too. I am thinking about cutting her out of my life completely. Then, there is the constant existential dread I have about not finding my purpose. I have a useless degree in photography and keep taking these dead end jobs just above minimum wage despite knowing I am intelligent, creative, with a strong work ethic (if I am being challenged and care). I get rejected from the more esteemed jobs I apply to due to lack of experience. Everyone says I am so passionate and talented with photography, but I have grown to hate it. The selfie culture of social media and bragging seems so fake and morose to me. I have decent photos but have grown to hate my own work and question whether I really have any talent at all, preventing me from pursuing it more. My insecurities are building all the time. Its difficult for me to find peace with my face, body, personality, whole self despite being toldIm attractive, sexy, funny, and kind. I think my personality has become boring and empty in the last 3 years. It feels like there is a large black hole in my throat that is eating me alive from the inside-out. I find small talk unbearable and anxiety inducing. In a one-on-one situation I am good at connecting with most people. In a group setting I feel awkward, alone, uncomfortable and empty. I used to love going out to concerts to shoot the band, dance, and socialize. I felt so in my element. Now, even dancing feels forced and I watch everyone having fun, feeling joy and I feel lost. I am currently in an open relationship with my boyfriend who loves me dearly, and I him. Sometimes however it feels like I am settling because of lack of attraction and a deeper connection. We can go deep kind of and I feel as if out of anyone, I can talk to him the most. But always, I am still guarded of my deeper selfthe one that constantly thinks of suicide or my worthlessness. I think there is someone out there who is more of an intellect, world traveled, experienced, and attractive to me. Someone big and strong that can hold me and inspire me. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts and wonder if I truly love him or if he fills the void of my loud mind and loneliness. Maybe I need the open relationship due to my commitment issues. Ormaybe its because hes not the one for me and I think I can possibly find that person on the side. Clearly I need to love myself first before I can really love someone else, right? Still this is the most stable romantic relationship I have ever had and I am not ready to end it. And lastly there is the friendships in my life. I was the type of person that got along with all the cliques in high school and bounced around. I am still close with a few of my high school friends. However, I feel as if they have all moved on without me, even my bestie, and I am the worst at staying in touch. Sometimes Ill send bday presents and reach out randomly. When we see each other, there is nothing but love. However I live across the country and nobody makes an effort to check in on me. It seems one-way. I lost touch with my college friend groups, both of them. They all still go on trips together and I have never been invited. My bestie from college did not invite me to her wedding (its small, but still) and I honestly thought wed be friends for life. I had a big falling out with 2 of the girls in my girl group in the summer of 2020. They were my main links to the crew and essentially, I was exiled. I still photoshop of all of them together on social media and I feel alone and forgotten. One of the issues was covid related with varying reactions and living standards during the pandemic. And the other was over a guy my friend met on tinder who was also chatting with me on a fetish website. When I figured out it was the same guy, I stopped talking to him and we never met or flirted or anything. Nothing. He texted me randomly saying he did not want to be with my friend and I stayed out of it thinking I was doing the right thing. She said I broke girl code by not telling her. Maybe she is right. But fuck that. Not worth fighting over I am going to. On a current noteyesterday I was enjoying my day off work, running on the beach and i stop to say hi to a dog with a collar (thinking it was this dudes dog sitting 20 feet away). This dog adopts me. Follows me all day, everywhere. I try to bring it back to where it initially started following me but it will not leave my side. At night it came back to my house and I gave her water and food. she slept outside as she is riddled with fleas. Today I tried to post her online in a local forum, walked her up the beach and to a vet, reached out online, spoke to a few people in the street. Nothing. When the vet rejected to take her, it broke me. I went back to the beach and started crying. What was I going to do with this pup? I thought about the people that had her tied up and most likely mistreated her so much that she chewed the rope off (there was a knot on the collar). I thought about none of the people that wanted to help her. And I compared myself to these people as I was just one of them. I could not bring the dog back to my moms house as she is against strays or rescues and has a cat. I went for a swim and this dog tried to swim out for me but could not make it and eventually gave up. As I treaded water, she ran up and down the beach searching for me for about half an hour. I had to swim to a nearby beach to avoid her finding me. I am a bleeding heart for animals and this also broke me. I feel responsible as if I were her original owner abandoning her. I think about how confused she must be and if she tried to swim out again after I left. I have been seriously considering ending my life with alcohol and Xanax pills which I have access to (they are my moms. it would be ironic at least). I always play out the scenario in my mind. Thinking about my mom and how she would think I was selfish and weak. Thinking about how I did this to her purposefully as opposed to doing it to end my meaningless and lonely life. To end the suffering. To quiet my mind forever. To make space for others potentially and stop wasting resources. What stops me is knowing that I want to travel and blow my funds before I end it all. I want to see the world and meet people from different cultures. I want to learn new languages, get lost in strange cities and towns, hike up beautiful mountains, see awesome landscapes, scuba dive, live by a beach and get decent at surfing, share laughs and connect with strangers, maybe help others, even in simple ways. Maybe find someone who seems out of my league that is intelligent and challenges my thoughts and ideas. That wants to travel with me, even if In a dirty old van or on motorcycles. If I died, people would say she had her whole life ahead of her and they would be right. But I do not think it will get better. Maybe it gets worse. Maybe the noise expands, maybe I self destruct my romantic relationship, have no friends, and get stuck in the dead-end jobs forever. Get old and regret not quitting more to live a life of fulfillment. Maybe the black hole in my chest expands and swallows me whole. I wish it would already. The 27 Club, Minus the Fame & Glory",Depression +14603,"The person who smiles at you and tells you how great their life is, probably feels similar to you. Many people experience sexual, verbal or physical abuse. The person you are so jealous of could be a day away from suicide. I cannot promise anyone here anything, but you might as well post your story here. If no one replies, they are probably in a similar situation and scared to give you advice.Many people who commit suicide immediately regret it and try to save themselves. This is why it is so difficult to drown yourself because your body literally will fight your brain about killing yourself. Not to mention the fact that people end up mentally retarded or other physically handicaps from suicide. it is NOT THE ANSWER!!!!! if you are reading this DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE.",Depression +14604,"Every day i do my best to think things will get better. Hope for what you see in others to be good and true. Purpose to be given to everything. What if that all feels like a harsh reality. Untrue, not possible, un able to exist. It feels like a losing battle, one I am to tired of never recieving peace from. Feelings of no hope",Suicidal +14605,"I have had a rather chaotic past 2 years, 31/m. Basically drank myself into oblivion and went to rehab but now I am sober. Still fixing my life in multiple facets and am far from a together man. The cliche you have to love yourself before you find a relationship, honestly, probably holds a lot of merit. let us face it, that is just not possible though. I have been alone so long, I have not even hugged a girl in 8 years. This whole loneliness thing is not doing me any favors. I lack confidence to approach women, I have no game, but I still want to try even though I expect many to be repulsed by my personality. I am average looking. Its just gotten to that point where I do not care anymore, were all just monkeys living on a floating rock. I want to at least try to start complimenting women I walk by (that I am attracted to) with stuff like you are so beautiful. Would this be creepy? Honestly I just need to work up the courage to start talking to women and I do not know where to start. I can not tell you how many tears I have cried about my inability to bond with anyone. Can we talk about looking for a girlfriend?",Depression +14606,"I went through depression for about a year or longer, it started before covid and got worse. My family convinced me to move closer them and it has helped get me out of the fog tremendously. I decided to go back to therapy and I started doing activities that I like and exercising, hanging with friends and family and I have gotten a lot better where I feel super motivated, positive, and like the possibilities for my life are endless. I have always been a bubbly energetic person so depression really hit me hard and since getting better I have just told myself I never want to feel like that again.It was just another normal day and idk why but all of a sudden it felt like my heart sank and I felt that hopeless depressed feeling like when I was at my lowest. It was so random. And I am sorry I do not want to minimize depression at all like that since I am not that aware of others experience. I just know that was the worst I ever felt in my life but I know that I barely dipped my toes in it as I know others go through it much worse. I actively tried to do something to snap out of it and eventually I did but I just thought it was so weird. It felt like how I felt before but someone elses feelings because it hit me so randomly. Could it be that it was a phantom feeling. Idk if this happens?? Is phantom depression a thing?",Depression +14607,"Mom used to say that I am annoying to people. Now I do not have friends because I feel people think I am annoying. Recently I have been thinking about kms and at my funeral I want the song \*If I die young\* the part ""I have never known the loving of a man"" makes me feel even worse, I will die without being loved. I do not have friends everyone always leaves me or I push them away. How does it feels to be loved?",Depression +14608,"Writing this I am not depressed, just a depressing thought. I am so used to never being chosen first, and friends reaching out to hangout with me. Or ex's trying to make it work instead of leaving and probably never thinking of me again... ( Happened recently, dropped me like yesterdays paper) I do not feel value or wanted and it is a feeling I desire. But as an adult those things kind of leave you and you focus on yourself and hold those close to you closer. And maybe one day you will find the one who is been looking for you, in the mean time I am going to do the best I can and try to be my best self without relying on someone else for that support, because as I have realized people word does not mean anything and people change. But you will not change, you are stuck with yourself your whole life so become someone you enjoy being even if it is not easy or fun all the time. Hope someone reads this and can relate, it helps to know people feel the same way as you do I miss the days when people would reach out to me, and ask me questions, and miss me, and think of me before someone else.",Depression +14609,hello again reddit. i thought it was bad before lmaoooo. i am at rock bottom. tried to kill myself last week. nobody noticed i was unconscious for days. been in and out of sleep for 8 days. have not eaten have not showered have not moved. keep taking pills. i do not even remember if i have gone to the bathroom this week. I am going to kill myself tonight. if i wake up again it will feel like some sick joke. goodbye. see you all on the other side.,Depression +14610,My mum is constantly controlling and emotionally abusive. I just need to leave home. How to run away at 24. Please talk to me.,Suicidal +14611,"I recently moved for a new job and I have never felt so alone. I am diagnosed bipolar and not on meds, by choice. I have always had friends and family to lean on in times of need but now I do not. I am reaching out because I need to. I really need help.",Suicidal +14612,Front man of Linkin Park :( Today marks 4 years since Chester Bennington died from suicide,Suicidal +14613,My ex has been there for me through everything.. We met in high school and I loved her. Eventually we had our on and offs but we stayed friendly. We would be affectionate even though we were not together. Recently she has been distant and it worried me. My grandma passed away on the first of July and now she tells me she is finally moving on even when we spent so long holding hands and making memories together. My world is falling apart. My mom hates me. She prefers my brother. My Ex is finally leaving me behind and I lost my grandma. I want to die.. I just do not know how.. I have been through enough pain so I want It to be painless. If you see this for any reason at all. Just know I genuinely hope you are happy with him now and I will always love you. I cannot stop crying,Suicidal +14614,I am going to suffocate myself using helium and maybe a trash bag. I will do it while my friends are at work. Hopefully it kills me. I will die soon,Suicidal +14615,"This time I really really though I had beaten the intrusive thoughts. I have not had a suicidal wish, a thought about not existing, in 3 years. I thought I had beaten it.But now all I can see and think about, is myself hanging somewhere, and my feet dangling lifeless above the floor. I am alone, so painfully painfully alone. My life does not matter, I have got little to no friends to speak of and they are all far away. Someday, when I finally die, it will be as if I had never existed. I did not think relapses would hit me so hard",Suicidal +14616,I am finally doing it. I just do not want to live anymore. Death is my best and only choice. I tried to live and I failed. I plan on hanging myself. Farewell. Goodbye,Depression +14617,"I do not know what to do. I am very alone right now. I feel so depressed, but I am also embarrassed to be posting here. I think there is something irreparably wrong with me. I think I have seen too much scary shit - I have too much trauma. I do not think anyone will ever love me. My friends all live in different states. Again, I am all alone. I want to kill myself. Then I will not have to be alone for the rest of my life. I will not have to worry about people rejecting me. I will not have to feel the pain of watching my parents die. I will not have to suffer in silence just to keep from burdening my friends. I will not have to be understood or taken care of. Ill just be gone. At peace finally. Convinced there is something wrong with me",Suicidal +14618,I just need a stranger to vent to I am in so much emotional pain its unbelievable I just need someone to talk to please Need Someone to Talk to,Depression +14619,Fuck this world I am only 17 yet people expect me to achieve things I cannot possibly do they keep putting pressure on me without caring about how I feel or how much I can take well guess what I cannot fucking take it anymore and after I am done with this national competition I am fucking hanging myself I do not want to wave up ever again going to fucking hang myself this weekend,Suicidal +14620,these days I have been dealing w a lot of them and sometimes it is difficult to make them stop. how do you deal with it? how do you deal with self harm thoughts?,Depression +14621,I have an inability to focus on any object due to my eyes constantly crossing. I have been pretending to be present for over a year now and I am exhausted and done. I barely breath anymore short breaths. I sit and watch fires in my backyard listening to my nieghbors have a good time all night listening to country music. I sit quiet trying to be quiet and dying inside night after night. I have a hatred for them and they are just living. I am alone on the other side of the fence. The irony and symbolism is not even laughable anymore. I bought a helium tank. Ducked tape the CPAP mask to it and tonight is the tonight. I am sick of pretending and giving up on saying what I feel because it is death all the time and no one want stop hear it anymore. I pop my neck habitually and have lost all stability of my neck. I was a classical guitar play yet now my fingers caint move anymore. Why should I live. I lost the ability to speak my truth a while back and had to contort and bring up a. Voice just to be. But it is so far off reality I want to kill myself Everytime I hear myself speak. I want to kill myself tonight.,Suicidal +14622,"I have been pretty much constantly depressed since mid May. The last few days were actually good, i was just feeling good. But here i am, in bed, staring at the wall and questioning everything into eternity again. WTF is wrong with me?",Depression +14623,"Hi everyone, I am new to this subreddit. I am simply here to share something with all of you and to maybe gain a little bit of insight. My whole life I have felt like a burden. I have always been the outcast growing up. All the other kids would pick on me in school. I have always felt left out. I feel like I missed out on a lot of things in life because of it. I want to transition into manifestation. I feel like i simply manifest negative energy. I think negatively quite often and I feel like it affects me in a very bad way. Sometimes I find myself trying to think positively but at the end of the day, I am just a negative person in general. Sometimes I feel like my own family does not like me even though they most likely do. I feel like there is more for me to say but as of right now I am not sure what to talk about anymore. Thank you for reading. Feeling Like a Burden",Depression +14624,I cannot live any longer. I have lost everything. what is the point in trying if it is all just going to burn away in the end? Nothing matters anymore. Please...Help me... Life Is Meaningless,Suicidal +14625,"Going to the doctors this Wednesday to get it checked out and if my doctor says its something non life threatening like some sort of amateur infection I am actually going to be disappointed. I am so sick of living day to day to stress about work and bills. Life is mostly misery and doing duty after duty. I am barely ever happy therefore I see no point in living. Wish me luck, I am an organ donor so if I die then my body can actually go to people who want to live. I am literally just a ball of misery and waste of space. Oh and here is some irony for you, my job- a mental health counselor lmao how sad is that, I am a mental health counselor and cannot even find the will to want to survive. Yikes. I found a lump on my leg and now I am hoping its cancer so I can escape this hell",Suicidal +14626,"Its hard to go day by day lacking confidence and not liking yourselffrom your body to your personality. And I know, I am supposed to practice self-love and pull myself up from the bootstraps but I do not know how. Just lacking motivation, confidence and self-love all at once. I am a mess I was so happy before the pandemic & now I just hate myself",Depression +14627,"This pandemic cracked my mental health, and I just feel like I am lingering in a void, I have not been going outside, instead I have been inside my room 24/7, either wasting hours on my bed watching videos, or going on my computer, I lost my passion for video games, and other things I used to enjoy doing, my friends and I barely talk anymore, we were all close but they all distanced from me since sometimes I would not hangout/talk because I would just have zero energy to link, and anything I said would have sounded like an excuse. So everyday feels like a repeating cycle of nothing, while my friends are out doing normal teenager summer shitI feel pathetic for wasting my life doing nothing, I was intending to get a summer job, but my skin condition in the shitty weather would not work, another reason why I barely go out, I hate being negative but I have had no one to talk to and all these thoughts keep bouncing in my head wanting to get out. I just want to get my shit together and start eating and drinking again, taking care of my hygiene and somehow gain weight?? I used to think that I was born with a curse since I was so different from everyone else, I do not like thinking that but I feel so lost atm, sorry if I sound completely stupid I feel like I hit rock bottom",Depression +14628,"Hi! My mom has had depression for the last 15 years where most days she mostly just sleeps and does not want to do much. Sometimes its off and on not always like this but some weeks it is. she is been on medication for years as well. (she is in her late 50s btw)She was recently told by her psychiatrist that ECT may be beneficial but it seems like its quite controversial. Anyone have any experience with it?Seems like there may be alternatives like TMS. I am just kind of scared because it says memory loss and obviously because of her long term depression I would say she does not have the best memory to begin with like forgetfulness and things like that. I obviously all I want is for her to be happy, but I just want to make sure this is safe my mom is planning on getting ECT",Depression +14629,"I do not know where else to go.I feel like I am ready to just quit.I am trans and the more time goes on... The more I realize I am not passable... I am disgusting.I am financially years in debt with no hope and I do not think I am going to be able to pay rent this month. I cannot get another job right now because of name change stuff...My family will not help me. They have disowned me.I have no friends. My ex wife divorced me in 2018 after my only family member I connected with died and I lost my job. Between the trans and the depression, she left me for an investor type and my friends then left with her.I have a degenerative neurovascular disease... Which causes pain and lack of energy.I just feel so gross and helpless. I need to find someone to take care of my cats... I am sorry. This is a cry for help. 2 time survivor... Ready to quit.",Depression +14630,"Every single time I go outside, my neighbors come out and watch me. I have done nothing to them or anyone. But they watch me when I clean my car, when I take out the garbage, when I go to the car to wait for my mom to come out. EVERY single time, they come out and watch me.Of course ""there is No PrOoF"" so these people are basically allowed to be fucking trolls and watch me like fucking weirdos.I am ready to kill myself in front of them because I cannot take it anymore. I have no privacy when I am outside - they are always watching me and legally they are 'allowed' to do that. FUCK THAT. Might as well give them a fucking show because THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING STOP. Neighbors stalking me, might kill myself to escape them",Depression +14631,"I am curious if anyone here has experienced a ""fall from grace"" (apologies if this is not the most correct term) specifically you became the best (or highly skilled) at something in your life, but due to whatever circumstance, you are now no longer able to do that thing.A couple examples as it relates to me would be Michael Phelps or Dominique Dawes, olympic athletes who competed at an extremely high level, and basically devoted their entire lives to becoming the best at their chosen thing (or happened to become the best through their drive/passionate). Both of them are no longer able to compete at those levels anymore, and have stated in interviews that they suffer(ed) from deep depression for a multitude of reasons. What I gather one of the largest reasons is, is that they wrapped their entire identities around what they did, yet now that they lead more of a normal (possibly even mundane) life, there is a lost sense of self, and potentially nothing else could ever compare to their accomplishments / life long love / pursuits. I am asking this, as I have lived this life (non-olympic), and have felt the same way as the both of them for many years. The problem is that I have not met anyone else personally who is experienced this (which is why I am asking), and it is just as isolating as the quote ""it is lonely at the top"". What I specifically struggle with now (for many years), is once you have experienced a joy, fulfillment, and/or accomplishment on such a high level, the pursuit of any other endeavor seems almost meaningless. Of course one could hope to strike lightning twice, yet your ""first love"" (ie. the thing that you did), seems to always outweigh what anything else *could* be (at least for me). there is also a potential guilt I subconsciously feel about *truly* choosing to move on to something else. As a side note, I have done deep work with a Therapist regarding this, which has been beneficial to a degree. I appreciate anyone for taking the time to read this, and/or lending your own thoughts and experiences. Thank you. Fall from grace",Depression +14632,"I cannot stop thinking about killing myself and I feel this weird compulsion to talk about it, so here I am, rambling into the void.I have an excellent life. I have the most wonderful family, the most wonderful partner. I love them so much it hurts. I feel like such an awful, ungrateful person for wanting to die when I have so much. I am not trying to be ungrateful. I know how lucky I am and that makes it worse. it is me that is all wrong, not anyone or anything else. I wish I could give my life away to some other more deserving person. Everyone is trying to help me but things are just not getting better and I really do not see that changing in any lasting way. Maybe that is just depression talking but I feel like it is more than that. I feel so completely disconnected from whatever it is everyone else is experiencing, like I am living inside a glass case, where I can see the world but not engage with it in any meaningful way. it is like I am some kind of alien species, like the universe is telling me that I am not *meant* to exist. Nothing makes sense anymore, I am in a nightmare I cannot wake up from, like maybe I am already dead and I am watching the world move on without me. Everything is just pain and more pain, those are the only options. I know that also makes no sense. I would like to be able to talk about this with an actual person so I can maybe try to deal with it, but I am also completely terrified that if I told anyone the specifics of what I have been thinking, I would wind up in the hospital. And maybe that is what I need, but it would probably also ruin my career and potentially my relationship, at which point I would definitely kill myself. So that seems a *little* counterproductive. I have no idea where I am going with this so I guess I am done rambling now I just need to get this out of my head",Suicidal +14633,Seems kind of fucked up to be asking people posting about wanting to die for financial help. Any rich suicidal poster want to help me pay my rent this month? No...probably not. Sorry. Stop asking for money here.,Suicidal +14634,"Hey redditors, idk where to post this so I am here. I am tired of being diagnosed with things that will never leave. I am tired of the crippling anxiety that prevents me from functioning normally. I am tired of having to pop pills when i wake up, in the day and when I am going to sleep. I am really tired guys, i am.I want to go home, and i guess I am going home soon. Hey",Suicidal +14635,I am SO FUCKING UPSET AND SAD AND ANGRY AND NONE OF IT EVER GOES AWAY AND I cannot EVEN DO ANYTHING OR FEEL OR SAY ANYTHING AT ALL EXCEPT SADNESS AND ANGER AND FRUSTRATION AND DISBELIEF AT THE FACT THAT I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND REALIZED TIME KEEPS MOVING AND there is NOTHING I CAN DO AND IT is not A DREAM THIS IS ALL REAL AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS REAL LIFE AND DESPITE ANOTHER DAY TIME RESUMES TURNING THE PAGES OF THE BOOK IT HAS BURNED AND SHREDDED AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH AND INSTEAD OF GETTING AN ADRENALINE RUSH I JUST FEEL ALL HOT AND ANGRY AND I WRIGGLE LIKE A WORM IN THE SUN WITHIN MY OWN MIND YET MY BODY LIES STILL IN UTTER DISBELIEF AT ITS OWN INCOMPETENCE AND INABILITY TO COPE WITH THE UTTER SKULL-FUCK OF EMOTIONAL FUCKERY THAT NEVER CEASES TO FLOW FROM EVERY NEURON FIRING AT ONCE IN MY BRAINgoodnight. I am SO ANGRY AND SAD AND I do not EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT,Depression +14636,"I just saw my gorgeous partner and I got to spend time with them, but I am not great mentally and I feel selfish for wanting to off myself rn. I should be happy I Got to see them and cuddle n stuff, god I fucking hate this chemical imbalance in my brain that I cannot get fucking medicated because my bullshit parents think there is nothing wrong. CLEARLY IF I WANT TO KILL MYSELF EVEN WHEM I am MY HAPPIEST there is SOMETHING WRONG DIPSHIT. Anyway needed to ramble here or I think Id actually do it . I should be happy",Suicidal +14637,"I have been surviving by a thread this last 1 year. Several attempts and there is always a small hope that things would get better. But, now time for me to end this journey of life for good or for worse. I enjoyed this life, but the days in hell are coming and I am not ready for it. Death seems like a easy decision and I know world would still be the same with or without me. Nobody cares about you unless you are dead",Suicidal +14638,"I have amounted to, always have, always will and currently am nothing. Why cannot I just bring myself to kill myself? I feel so alone",Depression +14639,"I have been depressed/suicidal for the past year or so, but it got much worse this year. I have not been attending my online classes and lying to my mum about how university is going. The thing is that no one contacted me from the university to check up on me. The only time I received contact was for a missing assignment. I am scared because I know my mum will find out soon and get mad at me. All of my older siblings have been successful, but I have just been lying in bed on most days this year just wanting to end it. I have been trying to distract myself with video games and other stuff. Also, since my mum thinks everything is fine with me, she has been pressuring me to get a job. I am filled with anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I just want to run far far away. I am scared. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I have been reading all of the posts on the reddit since I discovered it and it helps to know that I am not alone in this world. And for that, I am thankful. Guess who has not been attending University for the past six months",Suicidal +14640,"I am going to start from the beginning of the year and work backwards. so 2021 has been nothing but a continuous ball of shit for a few reasons. broke up with my bf, had to quit my job because of a rage incident, got on meds, got off meds, was hospitalized, got pretty suicidal, cut people off.. nothing but a whirlwind of self harm. its funny because the majority of my depression is not caused by anyone or anything, but my failure for self love and self care and denial in self worth. here is the tragedy.. I grew up with a very happy childhood/teenagehood . loving parents, a loving family what most people would kill to have in this world. but because of my self hatred, I wanted to prove myself to them and to my friends that I was not the cheery innocent kid I once was. so what did I do? I try to be asshole by cutting them off. being mean, blocking them, getting angry at them for no reason etc. To prove to them of a false sense of power that I lack within myself. But the worst part of it all becoming addicted to that mean streak against people. Which has led to irritability.. and now.. addiction to pain. Anyway, that is like 5% of the whole story. I have practiced self destructive behavior pretty much my whole life. Not tapping into myself when I should.. letting life takeover before my eyes. Nothing but a overwhelming subconscious laziness. Like living in a giant daydream. but it did not really matter up until I was about 23-24. why? because my parents did everything for me. gave me a car, gave me money every day, filled up my gas tank every week, filled my lunch box up until senior in high school. so part of me constantly living in la la land was the luxury of literally everything being done for me. and now here I am finally trying to take a stab at life at 25 and I cannot even find my way out of a m****f*** paper bag. I cannot follow through with my decisions for the life of me, my goals do not hold value, etc its a vicious cycle that never ends. and now I have anxiety that time is running out by getting serious about my life at 25-26. The rather be dead thoughts chase me 24/7/365. And I cannot escape myself no more. but I do not blame my parents fully. of course I take responsibility for continuing to practice that day dream life style. but at the end of the day its no ones fault. I do not like to look at it that way. what is done is done and I am in the present and that is all that matters. and now I have to undo my wrongs. my bf broke up with me two weeks ago for my impending suicidal ideations, and inflicted pain I caused him and his best friends. my threatening to shoot myself etc. It took a hold of our relationship so much that he was afraid to drive in my car because he thought id kill us. he was scared. and I cannot barely live with the fact that I scared someone that I loved so dearly. And it will haunt me to the day I die. because I am not that type of person and I always have good intentions deep down in life. So I was hospitalized because he wanted me to get help and I wanted to better myself. But it did nothing besides give me a new pill which did make me feel better ill admit. But I recently quit therapy and the pills because why? because I decided I do not want to live my life by not being able to help myself. I have the what kills you makes you stronger mentality. do I think I am crazy and does my parents think I am crazy for stopping treatment? yes. am I doing me harm by doing this? yes. am I digging myself a deeper whole by doing this? yes. but some odd reason I think its necaaary because I am tired of my 10years of therapy and going on and off of meds. so I am currently seeking more natural and less expensive treatment to better myself. one of the last things is.. I cannot hold a job. look, I am an artist/influencer that is trying to make it in the music industry. I have been in music since 8 years old and know its my calling. however, I cannot do the bullshit get-by jobs anymore. I am 26 now and want to do what I am made to do. not folding burritos at a damn chipotle, not slave work making box walls at UPS, and not parking peoples cars for them just so they can throw a $1 at my face. I think I have been through about 12-13 jobs since I was 16. and I am sooooooooooooooo sick to my stomach over it. it lowers my self worth and confidence and I am exhausted. I am jobless right now because I broke down at chipotle in front of a room full of customers glaring me and my coworkers too for basically cursing out the store and having a psychotic breakdown that could have easily be resolved by taking my complaint civilly in the managers office one to one. but no, it was the last straw. but what was it really? it was just a cry for help from within. this was right before my bf found out and wanted me to get help and before i got on meds. and none of it was to make the workers feel bad, or to be an asshole.. no. absolutely not. I also have a lot of self esteem issues so whenever I feel the heat boiling.. I let it go because I am passive aggressive generally and the only way I can hve a voice is by letting it come out through anger (horrible I know). just more self destructive behavior that I practice. but at the end of the day man I am finished with exhausting myself of this illness. I want to be dead. I do not want to be alive. I rather be dead than causing this pain amongst myself every damn day and trying to fix it. its too much. just too much. and a pysch ward do not do shit. I was there. I am so lost in this life. if there is anyone out there who struggles with self inflicted pain or feels behind in their lives or is addicted to feeling pain or have lost all self pride.. please respond below. id appreciate it. thanks for reading for anyone who cares to read",Depression +14641,"I cannot live with being ugly anymore. I know that soon in the future i Will kill myself because I am so fkn ugly. Being attractive is the only thing i want in life. If i cannot be that, i cannot be happy and follow my dreams. If i cannot be happy and follow my dreams, suicide is my only option. There is no reason to live a miserable life.I do not Care when people say that everyone is perfect and Pretty. No its bullshit. There is attractive people and there is unattractive people. And attractive people have it so much easier in life. I am currently 18 and ruined my life from 15-18. Being ugly affects every decision i make in life. Its the reason I am not social. Its the reason I am always stressed. Its the reason i have no future and live a miserable life. I do not know what to say. I just want to ve attractive and follow my dreams. But i cannot being this ugly. So suicide is my only option. Being ugly Will be my because of death",Depression +14642,"got scared, called 911. never doing that again update: in da prison(hospital). i have to stay overnight",Suicidal +14643,I feel better when I sleep. Nobody can bother me and I am away from this world temporarily. Sleep is safety,Suicidal +14644,"Things just happen to go worse and worse and I feel like it is never going to go better at all, I wish I had an escape pod , I try to tell myself hey there are so many others in such rough situations look at them, try to hold on but the pain, the pain just does not feel any less I wish I had someone to support me , someone I could have fully opened up to but there is not and even that feels like such a far fetched dream The chaos just keeps on increasing at this rate I almost feel like giving up on everything and not giving a damn at all Does it ever get better",Depression +14645,"like these dumb positive ones or ones being like ""yknow maybe an afterlife is plausible"" and stuff and i do not get it. I am just going to hope that is just my brain trying to stop me bcus the method will actually work or something? hopefully currently doing my method (takes a few days) and keep getting these thoughts",Suicidal +14646,"I work alone and I live alone and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to make friends or find a gf. Life is so lonely, and nobody will care if I am gone. I am going to keep trying a little longer but instead of drinking by myself on my birthday this year I plan to hang myself. what is the point in living if I am just going to spend my life alone? Nobody cares if I am alive or not.",Suicidal +14647,"Not me. I say that is what makes life a piece of shit.The constant suffering and hardship on every front, and inside me every day, make life a train wreck that I did not sign up for.And I want out. Some people say they love life's challenges...",Suicidal +14648,"So many people have claimed that I just need to wait and see. But I am so fucking tired of waiting. Ever since I was 12, I have wanted to die. Me being 25 has not changed that one iota. No matter what happens, it all ends in failure. Everything around me is stagnant while everyone else is going on to do amazing things. My sister is several hours away, married to a wonderful guy. My mom lives in an entirely difficult country who just recently got re-married without letting anyone else know what was going on. All of my friends from college have gone on to get jobs. And I am stuck living in a shithole of an apartment with my verbally abusive father.I do not have anyone who I can turn to, if I try to talk to my mom about it, she gaslights me and makes me feel like a loser for complaining about having a roof over my head. If I try to talk to my friends about it, they will just twist my words into them just talking about their issues. I am sincerely tempted to go toss back a bottle of pills and just pray that it works this time. Nothing ever changes, no one actually cares until it is useful to them, the only things that give me any hope for the future are my dreams. And even those are not enough after thirteen years of suffering. I want to stay asleep forever and stay in my dreams",Depression +14649,"I never wanted to stand out, to be the center of attention, to be the leader, but I am always the least interesting person. I always struggle to know if I am a bad person and just do not see it, so I am somewhat annoying, always asking and making sure I am not bothering, or if I did anything wrong. I do not think I am a bad person, but I have nothing to be proud of. My entire life I have seen people be good at this or that, artistic skills, social skills, intelect, etc. I do not want to say it out loud, I think many know what someone want to do when they feel useless and unimportant for their entire life. I am making 23 years on october, and I have felt this way since I was 14, diagnosed with depression at 16. I have come to terms with many pains along these years, I do not see the point on self-harm anymore, I also do not want to have come to this earth just to be a reason of suffering to my parents, my father already told me he would be sad, but he would move on, so not a big encouragement... but I know my mother and 11yo sister (whom I do not live with anymore) would suffer, especially my sister, I think she would be traumatized, so... it is a big anchor to me. But I still cannot stop suffering for not being good enough to be interesting, to be liked, to be admired even, I do not want to be special, just... anything. I usually spend my free time only playing games with a story, watching series and anything media related, listening to music, I feel like my life is some kind of ""hub"" where I can only choose what game/movie/series to experience next. Also, I have read the rules, but I do not know if saying some things may be triggering to others reading, so if I wrote anything wrong, please let me know!&#x200B;TL;DR: I have come to terms with many struggles that comes with depression along 9 years, but what can I do to just ignore this feeling of wanting to be dear, liked and even admired? How can I cope with the fact that I am just another random person?",Depression +14650,i do not know when or how but I am 100% sure my death will be suicide. I am actually kind of ok atm but i still remind myself daily that suicide is always an option. does anyone else feel this way? ?,Suicidal +14651,"i show up to work everyday because my coworkers need me to be there. i only clean my apartment if someone is coming over. i only eat normally when I am going out with friends or if a friend is staying with me. i have so many things that i want to do for myself but i literally cannot get myself out of bed. i stay in bed for hours even when I am hungry. the thought of cooking or even getting up to microwave something is too much.i moved into a new place over 3 months ago and there are about three small boxes i still have not fully unpacked because the thought of opening them and having to place the contents somewhere is just exhausting. if i open the boxes i have to move the items inside but in order to move the items somewhere else i have to make sure the area i want to put them is clean and has space for them and if it does not then i have to organize that area first and the cycle repeats itself. I have wanted to do this every day for months but every time i think about it its as if my head becomes so heavy i cannot physically bring myself to move. I have tried doing it in smaller chunks or even just taking the stuff out of the boxes but i always end up losing motivation halfway through. i have one summer class left that i need to take in order to graduate college. i have not kept up with the content. i have not been doing my 1 weekly homework assignment for the last two weeks because it seems pointless although i know, logically, its not. i was able to do my midterm essay for the class a few hours before it was due but that is only because its worth 40% of my grade and the time crunch finally pushed me to do it. i used to care so much about my grades but now that i only have one class left i cannot even get over this enough to do what i need to do to pass it. my therapist does not understand these issues when i explain them to her because instead of asking for help most of the time i act happy and like I am getting better during our sessions. every time i do try to let her know what is happening she unintentionally downplays it because she does not understand what i mean. I have told her that i have issues with motivation and i know she is trying to help but she just sent me links to videos with motivational speeches and it does nothing. i do not know what i need, but i do know its not that. if eating, being happy with my own space at home, and possibly not graduating college is not enough motivation for me to do my stuff, then some random words of encouragement will not do anything for me. despite wanting to do all these things and make these changes i KNOW will make me happier and feel a little better, nothing so far has motivated me to do so. i feel trapped with my thoughts, moving a thousand miles a minute while my body keeps me laying down. my head stays glued to the pillow. i cannot keep existing like this but i do not know where else to find motivation from when i want to do things for my own sake. i can only do things if people are counting on me to do them.",Depression +14652,"I have not eaten in 28 hours at this point, its common for me. I feel like a piece of shit. I cannot leave my life because I would end up without any money in a short matter of months. And I do not think I am emotionally capable of providing for myself. And yet each day I wake up I hate and I am miserable. What should I do? I am not going to therapy I hate it and it makes me Feel like I have no option but to stay with the life I currently have.The only Other reasonable way out I can think of is suicide. What should I do What am I supposed to do",Depression +14653,I have been caught up in a situation for quite some time now and most of the people close to me know about it. It was a situationship I had with a girl and they all were against me being with this girl because they knew it was not good for me. Every time I bring it up nobody wants to talk about it because they say I need to stop but at the same time I feel like I need to get my emotions out with how I feel abs I feel like I am alone with nobody to talk to. Nobody to talk to,Depression +14654,"I do not even know what to write, i just feel very sad, angry and frustrated about the limitations of my very small brain. I have always been the stupider of the group and since i was a kid, people always have made fun of my intelligence. My family, the friends i used to have, the teachers and pretty much everyone that had the displeasure of knowing me, they all naturally converged to the acknowledgement of my own stupidity (i do not even know if this sentence makes sense in english... if not, i am sorry about my poor english.). I am actually surprised i somehow managed to live for 24 years but i hope that soon, my stupidity will succeed in what it is supposed to succeed: kill the bearer of the bad genes. But you know, i am too stupid for that like i am too stupid for many others things. In the shitty life i lived, I have always had to confront with my very limited intelligence every single time i tried to do something. I used to love history but i had to give up because my brain could not afford to retains all that informations, i used to love playing piano but i had to give up because my brain could not afford the ability to perform polyrhythms, i used to love drawing but had to give up because perspective was too complicated for my brain to be handled... I could go on with a very long list of things i tried to do but miserably failed because of my very low iq. Because that is what is all about in the end. And no, i do not have any learning disability or other related issues, i am just a plain and simple stupid person with a pitifully low iq. Cognitively speaking, i probably perform on a Forrest Gump's level, how am i supposed to fairly compete with all the normal people? I just cannot. Everything seems out of my reach and even the littlest things you all do without thinking, they all require me an enormous amount of cognitive resources and i still manage to fail. How the hell am i supposed to find a job if i am too stupid to acquire the skills that are required for it? With the small brain i have, i would have hard time with the simplest of the job that pays minimum wage... Do you think is that a life worth to living? Even if i miraculously manage to find a job, do you think it is worth to live a life where you are too stupid to enjoy your passions? Where you cannot understand how the hell works the world you are living in? Should i just go on with money and just forget how unlucky i was at birth? Should i just accept a life of complete ignorance? I am so frustrated right now because even after 1 hour of writing, i still cannot properly communicate what it feels to be stupid and probably this is the best way to describe it: you just cannot do nothing. You just cannot. I am too stupid to live.",Suicidal +14655,"i was having a very vulnerable conversation with my grandma about my family. i was sobbing and basically explaining to her how depressed i am. i did not mean to tell her any of this. she just kept provoking the thoughts by asking millions of questions. so it all just came out. I felt so happy after the call. I felt like we had connected and I finally had someone on my side and someone I can rely on and talk to for support and trust. i felt like a weight off my shoulders. turns out she went and told my sister straight away. my sister and i had many problems in the past, did not talk for a few years and recently reconnected. my sister said to me that my grandma is really worried and that she basically told my sister everything i said. i said some very vulnerable things. things i do not even mean anymore and just very depressive things. i got annoyed straight away. everything i said was supposed to be private. my sister said i should have told my grandma i wanted it private. i think me crying and breaking down was enough to know this should be private. anyway now i feel more alone than ever. hope my depression was good gossip for them. had a mental breakdown on call with my grandma and she told my sister everything",Depression +14656,"18F and I am slipping back. I thought I was finally under control. I am not. I am miserable. I hate myself, my body, my eyes, my hair, everything. I just want to be happy. I lost a lot of weight from a ed and everyone talks about how good I look but my brain hates myself. I was at my first goal weight but recently gained 5 pounds because I started getting too thin and then lost one. This spun me into a spiral. I lost my job, my partner left. This new weight gain that I thought would look good. I hate it.Today was my first day of college orientation. It was fun actually. I love school and learning. Although I do not have many friends ( I only have one ) I loved learning and having meaning. I got hired at a new place. Yet I still feel that emptinessthat cold grey feeling where you are floating and cannot see. does not help I am having issues with my partner. Hes been distancing himself I know it he probably does not love me anymore. Who could love someone who does not even love themselves.I have hidden my depression since the last time I opened up I was thrown into a sh*t hole sad excuse of a mental hospital. I hide it. No one even knows because who do I have to open up to? My parents think I am going to be some great person, that I am doing great and I am fine. My partner like I said is distancing himself, I only have one friend and I cannot tell her. So who does that leave ? No one. I am so alone but not. I hide away and wait till night to cry, or in my car, or in the shower. I wish I was not so messed up. I wish I did not think about oding on those pills on my counter. I just want to be at peace god. Please. First day of college orientation. Is there any hope anymore?",Depression +14657,"I had been trying to bake a cake. I did everything the instructions said to do but it took forever to bake and at the end it did not even taste good. Tasted like egg. And then I just started to cry. But it was not really the cake that made me cry. It was the fact that my best friend has not texted me for two weeks due to an argument. It was the fact that I had spent so many of these past few days alone in my room. Its the fact that nothing seems to be working to help me get better. Its thinking there is no way out. And now, a cake I wanted to bake and be proud of came out like shit. Wanting the smallest things to right only to have them go wrong feels like adding salt to the wound. Frustration to the already horrible mood I am in. I am just tired I cried over a cake",Depression +14658,I have been feeling like everything is increasingly hopeless and my thoughts have been getting darker and emptier. i want to end it all because i feel like those around me would be better off and the one person i thought would care told me that she does not want anything to do with me anymore I have started having suicidal thoughts again,Depression +14659,"i miss enjoying things in life, new videos from my favourite streamers and youtubers are put into watch later just to not be watched,my favourite video games have not been touched in months,when reading my favourite books i simply absentmindedly read words, my favourite music and songs just sound like cloudy disturbances,i do not even eat food to enjoy it i just eat to not starve,i complete my tasks for the day numbly then just lay down in my bed and do nothing. loosing interest",Suicidal +14660,"you will say no people do, people do not, people can only sympathize or empathize. No one knows what I am going through and no one can. Were meant to live alone, yes old texts mention that suicide is not a solution because well just be born again to face the same crap and the only way is to live through it. I am trying, I am trying to face the bullshitting people around me, everyone is just selfish and no one really cares about me. Its only because they are either dependent or too attached (both being their issues, not mine)I used to be dreamy of an ideal life with the perfectly caring husband and parents who would be supportive of everything, they still try really hard, and it is only my parents that have kept me alive. I am sure I would not be here if they were not here. The sad thing is I am doing this for them solely out of pity. My moms been very selfish, really selfish. Even now she only cares about the society and the norms and wants me to oblige to the demands of the times and people around me. The fact is I want to live my life alone, I want to do good to people in general, not just one or two people. I want to be with myself and not have to worry about caring for the selfish beings around me. I have been hurt enough and I cannot take the pain they offer everyday. No one cares",Suicidal +14661,"I am so tired of pretending everything is okay i have no friends left except two buddies that I am drinking with every several days but our conversations are shallow and have no meaning something like a prolongated small talk and noone really cares what I am saying, I have been feeling nothing towards my partner for half a year already but I am scared to tell him so because he has anxiety and depression as well as i do nevertheless when i get drunk i try to hook up a single man on the street but even if the first contact was successful i fail because i do not really know how to be interesting, i was hoping to continue my studies in the us this fall but the visa officer has refused the visa idk I am just existing with no meaning and going to die the way my mother alcoholic did, i see no prospects while living in the dictatorship, it is a non sense your life is not under your control and that is not really the issue for russia only, but for other countries too... having a citizenship of any country does not really differ from slavery. I am such a coward i cannot say anything to the men pushing me around on the streets and calling a fag and just starting to cry who cares",Depression +14662,"So yeah, I do not know any of you but, I feel like i got to tell someone at least. I lost my best friend recently due to a miscommunication, and I really do not have anyone else. I have a family, but ever since I came out as trans, things have been rocky. I am not very scared anymore about ending it all, feels nice thinking about it. I lost my job due to covid, still been trying to finda notehr one ever sicne, I have had chronic headaches that would not go away unless i took 6 aspirins a day. I know I am not perfect, and putting everyone and everything above meis annoying and discouraging for others. I am 30 y/o andI have nothing to look forward to, never had. Finally going through with it after years of thinking about it",Suicidal +14663,"it will not leave my head. everything just keeps getting worse, my mum saw my self harm scars and got angry at me and told me i have nothing to be upset over and I am dramatic and stuff lol there has not been a single day that i have not thought about killing myself",Suicidal +14664,i had a falling out with my best friend because their boyfriend does not like me being so close to his partner and now their boyfriend has been ignoring me and so are the friends i shared with my best friend too. we are all involved in the same music scene and now i just feel so unwelcome in that scene and am having a hard time making new friends in that scene because nobody either has time or space for friendship with me and I cannot find anyone else in that scene I relate to. shows are coming back and and the past couple show's I have ran into these former friends i keep getting really bad anxiety being around people who betrayed me. I do not want to quit that music scene because i do like the music but i feel so awkward and out of place at shows and now I just feel like an outcast i had a falling out with my best friend because their boyfriend does not like me being so close to his partner,Depression +14665,"I moved cities 3 years ago for a new beginning. Had an internship where I received free filmmaking classes. Had a job. I had a plan on how to make it and reach my goals. I got depressed then lost two jobs along the way and dropped many college classes. Now I am leaving this city to go to a university that was my second pick and I am scared that Ill forever live in this loop of things going great at first then depression ruining things. I am scared I am being naive that things could get better. I have thought about suicide so many times over these last few years. I just do not want to get my hopes up that my life will actually be worth living. I have never been in love or had a girlfriend or my first kiss. I hope I can find love because it has not gone well for me at all. I hope I can find myself again. I am majoring in English-creative writing with the goal of finding my artistic voice again and becoming a better writer. The school I am going to is low ranked due to my grades not being perfect enough to get into my dream school. Another thing depression took from me. I was once a straight A student. I am scared all Ill ever be is someone who is simply surviving. If that is the case, I might as well kill myself. I am trying to give life a chance once again, but I am scared. Life just keeps kicking me down. I just feel this undertone of depression all the time, realizing the opportunities depression took from me",Depression +14666,"Life is not as bad as it could be. But here I am, drinking myself to drunkenness after being sober for over a month. Every day I think about the tasks I want to achieve, and slowly - painfully slowly - watch as the time moves forward with nothing done. Minutes to hours, hours to days, and I get not even a fraction done of what I wanted. Every night is a rebirth as I think of all the wonderful things I will do in the morning, every second into consciousness the next day a slow death as I fail. Fail to act. Fail to bother failing. I watch as years go by and the dreams I had when I was fresh out of college seem further and further away. they are always in the background, on the shelf. Waiting for me as the sense of urgency to make something of myself vanishes.I had a therapist. I could go back to her. She was nice. Kind. She cried once, as I was telling a story of my life - and that split second of humanity meant the world to me. My pain was validated - if I could bring her to tears, maybe the trauma I had gone through was actually fucked up? Maybe I could not feel quite as guilty for pushing so many people away, for crippling my own success, for never giving myself a break? For being so miserable? For being weak?But just like the rest of my life, that moment has long since died. I have no excuses anymore. I will die a failure. Forgotten. Because I have two jobs and no time for therapy....... but really, I just do not want to acknowledge these faults. I thought I was done with this illness.The alcohol is hitting harder since it is been so long. it is been so long since I have been able to acknowledge this despair...And I am sabotaging myself again. A new love has entered my life. Yet I feel so numb to them. They do not deserve it. But I do not know what a healthy relationship is. I could not even fake it if I wanted to. They were so excited when they first met me. They messaged me all throughout the day, messaging me multiple times even if I did not respond. I am sorry, Casey. you are a good person. you are so sweet. I wish I knew how to love you.I want this to end. Every day I think about purchasing a one way ticket to somewhere I have never been and just starting a whole new life. I do not want mine. I never did. What is wrong with me",Depression +14667,"It means the mentally ill can apply for assisted suicide, but not until March 2023. Yay..? So I just saw Bill C-7 passed in Canada, so there is that...",Suicidal +14668,"I am so down all the time, I left my old freinds because they bullied all the time around them and now most of my new freinds are assholes again the only one who is nice to me does not say shit when I get bullied, I always feel like I am stupid around them, my parents do not care about me, I told them to there face I was suicidal and they did not care, my mom saw my cuts and said ""oh great now I need to pay for therapy, I am always belittled and I feel so lonely. I want to kill myself",Suicidal +14669,People actively avoid me. No one will hire me. No one likes me. People do not invite me to things or acknowledge me. If I tell someone happy birthday with a Facebook post they will delete my post because they are ashamed to be seen interacting with me. I have been bullied my entire life.I do not belong. People are ashamed and embarrassed of me including my family. I am hated or avoided before I even open my mouth. This world will not give me a chance. I am excluded from regular society. People hate me for being autistic,Suicidal +14670,I do not want my family to be shocked when they hear about my death. I already told someone I had a strong headache like a tumor in my brain. Please let us talk on chat? Preparing my family,Suicidal +14671,"first, I am using google translate because i do not know any english. sorry for how bad it can be translated.I am a 20-year-old girl whose parents abandoned her (They went to other parts of the country and they totally ignored me)I do not have a job because of having a severe depressive disorder in treatment and a severe case of asthma that causes her to not be able to leave the house during cold days (Where I live, it is winter right now)A few days ago I was in the hospital hospitalized for this same thing for several days, which generated a very large medical bill and difficult to pay.When I got home after that, I was informed that the rent of the small one-bedroom apartment where I live would increase by 25% of its current price for the following month.I do not know what to do and I do not know public financial aid services where I live. Could someone give me a hand? Help me",Suicidal +14672,"if i take a bunch of hydroxyzine, seroquel, and lexapro what is the most likely outcome? curious about med interactions",Suicidal +14673,took pills might actually die but i really want to see him and tell him i love him he will not answer fuck fuck FUCK,Suicidal +14674,"Something told me to make this post. I do not want sympathy, or I am sorry, or any of that. I am past that. I have made lots of posts in the past to get that kind of response. That kind of connection to another human, recognize my pain. This post is not about that, it may seem like it is, I suppose, but it is not. I guess, I just want to tell the story of why I have depression and anxiety and so many other mental illnesses. it is going to be a long post, and for that, I do not expect many people to read it.I have contemplated suicide, but never attempted it. By contemplate, I mean I held a gun in my hand, looked it up and down, loaded it, put it in my mouth, put it against my head, and thought very deeply about pulling the trigger. I have contemplated suicide for at least 10 years now. It has put me in a state where I am both godless and god-fearing. The best place to start, I think, is the first trauma I remember and go from there. When I was about 5-6 I had a crush on a boy in my class. If it matters, I am a bisexual male, more on that later. Well, I was quite innocent of the idea of love and what one should like and not like, so I told my mom about the crush. Her response was to scratch me across the face and call me a faggot. I still have the scars to this day. Four scars on the left side of my face. I made a post the other day showing my face, but you cannot really see them, I do not like to draw attention to them, and thankfully no one has ever asked about them.That is the tip of the iceberg. When my parents were still together, she would lock us out of the house. Hot summer days in the Ohio River valley. We would be out there for hours, upwards of 6 hours without water or food. And really I guess this is the lesser of it, not so bad, we were kids, play outside she would tell us. So we did, we just could not go back in until she called us. Anyways, I really looked forward to school days. This went on for a few years, I was between the ages of 5 and 10.School itself was not so bad. I did not learn to read until I was in the 3rd grade, and I was always taken out of class because I had special classes I had to go to, including one for a speech impediment, I could not say my Rs, the speech impediment went on till I was almost in High School.Well, when my parents got divorced was when the fun really began, I say fun because I try to think on the lighter side of it, could have been worse. I remember every aspect of the father's first apartment. We lived near a small airport, the house was two stories, we lived on the first floor. Entering the house, on the right was a staircase that led upstairs to the landlord's apartment. Directly in front of the front door was the door that led into the basement, where the washer and dryer were, concrete floors, largely empty space, was not much in there. The third door was my father's apartment, to the left. A white door, it led into the living room. There was a fireplace, a smallish TV, the couch my sister slept on, my dad's drawing table, and a couple of bookcases. In fact, I am going to stop here and suffice to say that I could describe to you every detail of that apartment. All except my room. I can not tell you anything about my room. I do not know what color the door was, I do not know what side of the wall the beds were on, I know nothing about that room. What I do know, or at least strongly suspect, is that I was raped in that room over a period of 2 years. Aforementioned memory lapse aside, I am told by my brother that I say ""No, do not do it, stop"" in my sleep quite often. My sister, deceased sister, had similar gaps of memory and told me one day that she suspected it was happening. And thirdly, NSFW warning, my anus has a tear in it. I was about 12-14, as memory serves that I lived in that apartment on the weekends. A mighty bold claim, I do not remember the actual events, but I believe there is evidence to lead to that conclusion. I want to think that I am wrong, but part of me tells me it is true.There are more minor things in my childhood that come to mind, but I think they really do pale compared to what I have already said. To this day, my family is, well, unloving. They will tell me they love me, but they do not show it. In fact, the only time they really listen, or half-listen, is when I threaten suicide. This could be why I contemplate it so much, just to be heard. Neither of my parents could give a shit about what inspires me, what passions I have, what love I feel. Two examples, I wanted to be a paleontologist until I was 16, loved dinosaurs, I kept this, like many other things, to myself., until one day I told my dad. He said I would never be a paleontologist, I should give up on that idea, and that I should instead be an engineer like he was. The second example, I love playing the piano, I know virtually nothing about it, I am self-taught, and frankly, I feel I can play a pretty damn good improv. My mother, frequently, tells me I am terrible at it and that I need lessons. Which may very well be true, I may be terrible and everyone else who has heard me play is lying to me, I do certainly need lessons because I cannot read music, although I do not have much interest in playing what someone else wrote, it is an emotional release for me and I like it that way, so I am stubborn.Perhaps some of this post is just whining, I need to grow up, I need to move on. I should not be defined by my past or what others say. And most of the time I try to keep that mindset, what is in the past is in the past, but (I was once told by a very wise man to not use the word but, because it negates everything you said before, I feel it is needed here) the past can still hurt. And perhaps that is why I am making this post, not on a throwaway account, I thought about that. But like my scars, let the world see this, my past does define me in some way, it has certainly shaped me. I have come to the end of this post and I still don' know the purpose. It does not make it feel any better, and no one can go back and change any of this, and quite frankly I am not even depressed about it right now. I was earlier today when my brother threatened to kick me out because I have not done the dishes in a few days, but not at the moment of writing. Maybe, and I think this is true, maybe I just need someone to know these things. Not because it has any real impact on their life, I certainly do not think anyone is going to read this and say, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS CHANGED. No, I think I just wanted someone to know my pain, my past. I suppose I am sorry you read that. Me",Depression +14675,"I am not just looking for sympathy. I am not being childish. It would be really easy. I can just drive out, park alongside the train tracks and do it. The fence is really easy to get through. Then you would know how wrong you are. I should just jump in front of a train tonight to spite you",Suicidal +14676,"Hi! Today I feel like typing until I feel better somehow....I am currently 25 years old and life has not been easy at all. Struggles all the time and I guess everybody goes through some issues during their lifes and its ok.My mom was 18 when I was born, she did not finish high school and got married with the guy that I am supossed to call father. He was into drugs, so he got my mom into them as well... Like that they had 4 more children, and we all live under the same roof, in a small room, at a hotal room that of course my parents never pay and just run away ... or anywhere we could stay. I was such a baby but still I remember some of the places we used to live and it was not good at all...Many things happened during the 7 first years of my life, mostly horrible things but here I am... My parents got so into the drugs and all so they became criminals and wherever we used to live, people knew and got afraid of them, some parents used to tell their children to not hang with me and my brothers, and at that time I did not understand what was going on but now I do.So after that, when I was 7 years old, my grandparets decided to take us 5 (4 brothers and I) to live with them and get a better life. They have given us education, a place to live, a family, experiences, everything... I cannot complain about the lifestyle they provided to us because it was all good but there is a dark side of the story.We have been living with my grandparents 18 years now, and I have not seen my parents in all this time. Its ok I guess... But I wish I could take out so many things I have inside my head and my heart in order to feel better. I am not happy and I feel that I have not been happy ever. I want to know what would be like to have a happy life at least for few days...I should stop it now, its just making me cry and all... Well, thank you to anyone who reads this. If nobody reads it its also ok. Hi!",Suicidal +14677,thank you <3 just took a lot of pills,Suicidal +14678,Never thought that Id be reaching 17 but here we are... I just hope its over quickly and Ill just make plans in my head how to kill ms. My only wish is to not wake up when I go to bed tonight plsss Today is my Birthday :(,Suicidal +14679,"I keep telling myself tomorrow Ill get the gun. I live in one of the most lax gun law states (can walk in the store and leave with a gun in under an hour) but I am just too fucking unmotivated. I do not know shit about guns, I am worried Ill get too small of a caliber. cannot exactly ask the salesperson what the best handgun for killing yourself is. I know shotguns are best but I do not want to blow my face off for my parents sake. I really do not want to die but my chronic pain is killing my soul. No doctor has been able to help me. I just need the physical pain to end. I am 25 and living the life of an invalid. Why am I too lazy to go buy the gun",Suicidal +14680,"I have not cut since February. Before that I was over a year clean. I do not know what specifically is causing this, but I feel like doing it again tonight. I have felt terrible this month, I am falling behind in my classes, I have been sleeping erratically lately, I feel like I am not all there, and I do not know what to do about any of it. So I am putting this out there, just to try and get it out of my head. I am trying not to fall back into bad habits",Depression +14681,Now I am lonely and poor thanks to being an idiot after the divorce instead of getting the right degree and making a life for myself. Married a man that hated me,Depression +14682,"i stopped getting happiness from the things that usually make me happy. i do not know why it happened, but it did. and it happened very fast. one day i felt like i was finally getting better and then the next i felt worse than i have in months.since then I have pretty much lost all motivation to do... well anything really. my self-care went to shit. i have not been eating or drinking water much. I have barely been keeping in touch with my friends. i can barely even get out of bed.I have started to doubt that my friends actually care about me. i keep thinking they are only sticking around because they pity me, or something like that, I am not exactly sure. just general doubt i guess. that is likely due to my anxiety though.I have been trying to stop self harming for the better part of a year and i had actually been doing good for a while. now I am relapsing almost daily. I am not strong enough to stop anymore.i cannot be the real me. I am a demigirl (amab) and I am pretty sure my parents are transphobic, and even if they are not they are extremely homophobic and they know I have dated a few girls, so it would not be safe for me to come out.i do not know how to fix this. all of my usual coping methods are not working, and i cannot find any motivation to try anything new. I am trying my best but its just so damn hard. just... fuck. (tw: self harm, mention of transphobia and homophobia)",Depression +14683,Ill starts I used to be kind of ok I was depressed back in high school got bullied a little and did not have a lot of friends but I was ok I had one attempt but not much to talk about rn. Then I met this girl after high school and man can I tell you about her she was everything I ever wanted she was a rocker chick and a dgaf Attitude but how the things we want the most end up hurting us the most. I gave her everything and that might have helped in what comes after. I tried to be the perfect boyfriend to her make sure she did not feel like she needed anything in life and treat her like a princess but I guess she did not have the same thing in mind the first time she cheated I drive down to a lonely lake dock and punched a tree and screamed till I could not feel my hands or lungs but the words that kept repeating in my head were her words when she said its not a big deal I do not know how but I forgave her even thoughts she showed no sympathy and things went on she would go to parties and go camping with dudes and I just kept quiet because I did not want to lose her but I guess in the end I ended up losing myself. I do not rlly feel like explaining the rest but its just a terrible love story that ends in heartbreak and me feeling like a useless piece of shit no matter how much I try to reassure myself. Fucking she even gave me a cat she never helped take care of that is all I feel like saying Tell me your story and sorrows,Suicidal +14684,How many beers to kill myself lol Getting drunk,Suicidal +14685,"I do not know how to begin and where, my life is just a mess, everything thing is worse than the other. I have lost the hope that my next day will be better, I do not even know why the fuck I am stil alive. I should kill myself because it is not worth it if it is to have that kind of life. I am 17 year old with no real friend or people I can trust, never was in relationship or even close, I could be in space or not even alive that it would make no fucking difference, I have not talked to any ""friends"" in more than 3 weeks and I see how much people care for me, no one even wrote me a message, I do not really care anymore. I have so little social life that there was really no difference for me when corona arrived. Oh and everyone but like every fucking everyone I know is better than me on like every fucking thing. I went to see a psy a while ago, I planned on tell her about a lot of things like my sucide thoughts and the fact that I may have attempted once or twice to do it, and other things, but the first words she said to me were that every thing I told her was confidential BUT if it was serious she will have to tell my parents as I am a minor, so I told you nearly nothing like really nothing and it did not help me at all. Each time I came home my mother asked me if that was the last time I went there. For all those reasons( and the fact that my brother would not stop insulting me on the fact that I needed a psy and just insulting me in general and on stuff that he knew would hurt me) I decided to lie to my psy by faking having no problems anymore, it worked. I could talk about it for a lot more but it is just boring to read or listen to so I will just stop here. Sorry for the time lost reading this do not know where to begin",Depression +14686,"I want to know about this one because my girlfriend kept on telling me that. Before it happened, she was ranting about her Uncle who keeps on letting her dog out (the reason why she does not wants it out is because of the parvo virus or any infectious diseases that her dog might get). I was kind of sleepy during that time and was falling asleep but when she calls, I suddenly wake up. The moment she knew about me, falling asleep, she became even furious and kept on throwing she wants every people to die but also tells I should die first then my family next. She also does not wants me to eat. Is this normal? Is wanting someone or all people die inclined with depression or any other mental illness?",Depression +14687,Why do I have to be unhappy? Why cannot I ever just be happy? Why am I stuck around people that because me nothing but pain all the time? Why do not I have any actual friends? Why am I so alone all the time? Why do I have to be alive? Why cannot I go a day without losing what little bit of joy I have within less than 10 minutes?,Depression +14688,"I am in a town filled old swingers after moving giving up my friends and job so my parents would not worry about me while they were going to get clean (they did not) after they cried and begged me. it costed me my 4 year relationship after being down here for a year, my college locked me out of my online classes and now blame me and will not let me back in despite about 80 fucking screenshot of them ingorning my issue for 3 months. I cannot get on my mental health meds down here because they are strict with giving them out and do not trust me to get them despite receiving them since I was 6, and without them I do not have the focus or patience to hold a job because they control my focus and mood. I am 21 but I have been left with litteraly nothing. I feel my life is over since the only reason I was even alive was because of the future I had planned with my partner but last week they ended 4 years over a fucking text. I have tried to meet new friends on apps and in person since then and I have been called a creep trying to initiate a conversation and such irl, on apps I get death threats from gay guys (I am bi also but wait) because I will not meet up for sex or send nudes and women keep calling me misogynistic or faggot because I do not want to meet up or date and blame it on their kids n shit idk those ones are a woosy. 2 nights ago I went to meet up with someone who claimed they were looking for a friend too. They put Xans in my Jack or something after me acting nerdy and innocent (I was a druggie and dealer where I am from so 4 bars is nothing but I am clean as fuck now) and I noticed the xan feeling of just wanting to steal everything and like obliterated drunk but I wanted to make sure knowing something was not right and so I acted like I was passing out and he started to reach for me and my pants and this mf tried to date rape me when I was just looking for a friend and in my rage of realization he was actually being this scummy I beat the fuck out of him in his car and left him mangled and unconscious in his car I did not call the police because I was only supposed to be gone for an hour and I do not want to deal with police again and I know it is better then what he deserves but fufk man I am just tired. I have nothing left and cannot even find a reason to continue I have not decided how I am going to do it yet but it is either going to be hanging or stealing my parents fucking opiates and mixing them with a fifth of Jack so they cannot even stand the sight of them anymore. TL:DR I am too tired to type it so fuck it. Litteraly nothing left to live for",Suicidal +14689,"I am too much of a coward to go through with it, but I do not want to wake up tomorrow I want to die so fucking much",Suicidal +14690,That Ill never get over this feeling of worthlessness and sadness. Like something in my core is rotten. I wish I was dead. I worry,Suicidal +14691,"So, a friend was really stupid with me and stuff and I was able to forgive her right away and I am loving talking to her. but I still have a huge grudge against her. she did not talk to me for over a year just because she heard an unfounded rumor about me. I do not even want to delve into the rumor but it was fundamentally wrong and she apologized about it. however i keep thinking about it , i hate to think that maybe i love her and i want to die every day all the time Depression and friendship???",Depression +14692,Clearly on my mind more than normal. do not really have any motivation to keep on going. Boyfriend mentioned I joke about killing myself a lot recently,Depression +14693,Do me a favor and do yourselves a favor. do not get close to anyone. you will start to care then be devastated time and time again. I wish I had known this sooner. When the only person who cares about you also constantly unintentionally hurts you haha.,Suicidal +14694,"Kind of want to vent a bit. Pretty much 99% of the time I do not realize things are real. Like I move through the world and I am just a camera with legs and ears. Taking in everything but not really processing it or realizing what it is. I find myself just walking and I somehow end up where in supposed to be when I have to, or do things when I have to. Nothing feels like it is tangible, like it is something that has a possible effect. Sometimes I have that one percent happen briefly, like a few seconds, and I realize that things are real. That I am not just imagining it or existing next to it. And it is a very... weird... feeling. it is like everything makes sense. Like things do exist and I can interact with them and not just watch or hear them happen. And then I lose that moment. And it does not happen for a while. And then I am stuck being nothing but eyes and ears again. Just watching and listening to things around me. Unable to understand them and feel like they are there. And it is painful. And I wish I could just be with them.This has been slowly driving me more depressed recently. It takes me a while to notice it, but I did this time. A long time after the fact. I am hoping with some things down the line I can actually be apart of what is around me. Tho my depression says otherwise. Time will tell I guess... Venting about derealization",Depression +14695,"I have dealt with suicidal thoughts since i was a child thanks to abuse I received. When I was 16 i tried to overdose but got scared and begged my parents to take me to the hospital to get help. But all they did was make me throw up and take me to a Christian counseler a week later. Started cutting to deal with the emotional pain, only thing that helped. I had a feeling when I grew up I would turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with these thoughts. And that is exactly what I did. I thought I would become a heroin abuser but mostly it is alcohol. When I was 18 I went manic and ran away because I was sick of being controlled by my parents. When I was found a week later my parents were more pissed than anything. After getting commited against my will I had to do outpatient therapy. My parents were awful to me, calling me a narcissist for daring to smoke a little weed to take the edge of the stress. My dad at one point physically dragged me out of bed one time to go to therapy. I had to move away, but as usual I always spiral and had to come back. Lately I see them for what they are. Sad sacks of shit. If i dare open up to them they tell my siblings-they told my brother about my child abuse and drinking without my consent. They need therapy but refuse to go because they think they are in the right. I just want to run away again just take a bus somewhere and just go home with someone from the bar every night. I do not even care if it is with a dangerous man he would be doing be a favor. Or sleep in the streets idc anymore.But that is not possible. They took all my money as well. I am being held captive emotionally and financially. So I am cutting again and I am going to take all my meds, even if it does not kill me right away I will probably still have organ failure (* have physical issues I almost died a few months back from septic shock). This seems the best way, I am so sick of this so fucking much. I wish they would die so I would not have to. My parents are going to put me in my grave.",Suicidal +14696,"Every day feels like the same thing: I just want to sleep so I do not have to feel like this *but* I do not want to go to bed because I know I am going to wake up and do it all over again. I put off actually going to bed, finally pass out around 3 or 4, and sure enough, morning comes and I get to start rolling the Sisyphean boulder for another day. The cycle never ends",Depression +14697,"Through the journey of life, I have experienced more than enough for multiple people at once. More than what seems anyone can expect. I have never had a ""stable"" life, even throughout my childhood. Abuse was always rampant, no matter where I went. From home to school it was always the same. Lost a lot of loved ones along the way, whether natural, suicide, or overdose. It was all the same. I am prone to survivors remorse, but only because I have tried 7 times unsuccessfully. I have been to numerous psychologists and psychiatrists for different treatment and different medicines but to no avail it seems. I feel doomed to repeat the never ending cycle of rebirth and destruction. You cannot miss what you have never had",Depression +14698,"i do not know what I am living for anymore :/ i buried the shorts i got sexually assaulted in last year in the back of my closet and today while getting out a shirt i saw them and it really fucked me up and i cannot fucking dealnow i cut pretty bad after being clean for 2 months and i feel so fucking terrible. everything is so fucking overwhelming, i just got diagnosed bipolar not too long ago and tried to kill myself while manic and now being reminded of this fucked up experience. it never fucking ends. there is so much shit that is going wrong i cannot even list it alli have a whole bottle of vicodin i got prescribed after a surgery and a three month supply of my mood stabilizers, I am really hoping its enough to kill me. i already planned on not being here for my 18th birthday and its just less than a year away now, i feel like i should just do it tonight there is no reason to keep going might do it tonight",Suicidal +14699,You see I am younger 15 to be precise and when I look at so much they accomplished it makes me feel like shit at my age in Sengoku Jidai there were literal 15 year olds who actually fought with bravery hell there are people younger than me that have more talent and will grow up to be something my point is there have been so many people who have done more Octavian Augustus was 18 fucking 18 when he lead Rome against his enemies point is every day I see people doing more than I could ever do I am not even sure if I am depressed or if I am looking for attention and even myself does not realize it which makes me feel worse I almost feel like a side character in my own life my sister is studying to be a nurse and getting good grades my older brother can sing a little my mother is developing her own company for make-up and other products and when I try to enjoy history it feels like the world keeps on putting examples of great accomplishments in front of my face sometimes I even cry while watching history videos not out of pity for them but out of disappointment of myself The thing is I cannot find one thing good about myself and I cannot see why living is even good if you have a ambition you can never reach because you lack the skills needed why do you struggle the only reason I live now is out of fear of death of course I do believe I am going to the asphodel meadows when I die but I still fear death and I am hoping one day if it does get worse I will at least have the heart to act it out instead of turning back like I always do Looking at history make me feel inferior,Depression +14700,"Depressed for the last 20 years. I am just barely hanging on. Please stop the ride, I would like to get off please.",Depression +14701,"When someone asks what do you want out of life, do you respond with qualitative or quantitative objectives? What really brings happiness? What the hell is happiness? Each individual perceives what it is differently, your perfect day might be someone is everyday. ""Normal""is different for each and every person. Achieving happiness is a daunting task, it is fleeting for many. Sustaining happiness should not be so difficult, but it is. You being here as a human being is a miraculous thing in itself. You are astonishing. No one knows what you have gone through to get where you are at besides you! You cannot put your happiness in someone else's hands. Go out and get your mind right. Do whatever calms you. Do whatever makes your heart beat a little faster. Make time for you. Do not give in to toxicity. Take a chance on yourself, because no one else will. You have to stand up for anything you want and grab it, hold on to it and cherish the hell out of it. In my 28 years on this earth I have only scratched the surface of what I can fail at, achieve or overcome. I have been lucky enough to have some great role models. I have also been lucky enough to meet people that I would not want to meet again. I embrace these interactions, then I use them to educate myself and move on. I practice patience to the fullest extent, it can be difficult yes, but what does an emotional response really help? Whatever it is that is bothering you will not matter in a year. Things can always be worse. Go out and do things, become better for yourself. No matter how much you think you cannot, you can. you have got this. you will find people along the way that want to bring you down. you will also find the ones that want to cheer for you and those are the ones. Those are the ones that you should open up to, find out their passions, cheer for them too. So many people are so lonely and do not want to admit it. Even the ones who are showered with attention and social butterfly's, have feelings of loneliness, yet no one addresses this. It gets swept under a rug. For this reason I challenge each and every person who reads this, to go out and ask someone how they are really doing. you will be surprised at the responses, regardless of it being positive or negative, be accepting and understanding. You could change their perception of happiness. One little domino could start the chain reaction of a new life, or a different path to their happiness. I am not sure why I felt the need to write this. I know what I have experienced throughout life thus far. I see life as a mountain, a challenge to get to the astonishing view at the peak. Embrace the climb, take a break to enjoy how far you have come already, sure look ahead to see where your going, but also look at where you are, retain everything you are able to.Thanks for reading my ramblings Just read it.",Depression +14702,it is a vicious cycle that is hard to end. <3 love you all and best of wishes for you damaged souls. my only escape from this mental prison is something that keeps me in here.,Depression +14703,"I really want to die, Everything in my life hurts me. I leave for college in a month and do not want to disappoint my mom but really am freaking out about going. All my friends are slowly fading away. Every girl I show interest in says we are too good of friends.every day is the same pointless shit that hurts me over and over again and I just cannot take it anymore. If my death would not hurt my mom so bad, I would have killed myself so many times and right now is one of those times.",Suicidal +14704,i simply cannot convince myself not to do it anymore. it is taking up the majority of my headspace. all. the. time. still closer,Suicidal +14705,"Lately my house has been an exhausting place to live in. For reasons that doctors are not sure of, my moms has not been able to remember anything. Like she remembers certain things but recent things just completely escape her mind. she also cannot drink alcohol anymore which is really difficult because both of my parents are pretty much alcoholics (which took me a while to realize)My dads just difficult. One night he woke me up at 2am and just yell and swore at me for reasons I still do not get. Plus he still drinks in the house so I am stuck worrying if my mom will find any of it My moms been sleeping in my room every night so I feel like I never have a chance to be alone but then when I am not with her I am anxious because she be irrational. I want to do something for myself but i just feel empty or when I want to cry nothing comes out. The only thing I have to look forward to is September when I leave for college. But is that selfish of me? My grandpa basically told me Ik ur not leaving now because you have to take care of your mom but I never considered staying. I got into a good school and I want to go. But is that wrong or selfish of me. I had orientation a week ago (zoom) and attended all the optional events mostly so that Id have an excuse to be left alone. But as soon as it was over I was back to feeling this way. Honestly i just want someone to talk to. I have one friend that knows abt everything but I am tired of bothering her. And the first and last time I texted a hotline was not that helpful tbh. Sorry this was long but maybe there is people out there to talk to idk Going through a rough time at home, just waiting for September",Depression +14706,My 9 year old son is a bit of a loner (though very close with his parents and siblings) and in the last year he has started to make statements my wife and I view as depressed though I never struggled with it. Statements like he things he is ugly or he feels sad. He is seeing someone about it but figured I would ask if this is something common at such an early age? How worried should we be?Sorry if not within rules. 9 yr old son,Depression +14707,Alcohol and mental illness stole my life from me. I should have graduated university a couple months ago. Instead I am on day 8 of not calling or going to work at all because I woke up too hungover and withdrawing last Monday to even put in the effort to call in. It would have been fine too; they would have probably seen it as a positive that I called at all. My bosses are incredibly understanding and know I am struggling. I have pulled this shit like 3 times in the last 4 months. I should have been fired a dozen times. I just keep disappointing everyone. I am the black sheep of my family and I just want it to fucking end I really need someone to talk to. I have not wished for death this much in a long time,Suicidal +14708,"Hello, my name is Isabel and I am 15 years old. For the last 3 years of my life I have lived with a strange disease that causes me daily pain. I have been going to doctors for 3 years and none seem to find anything, so they have referred the illnes to psychological causes, and now I am in treatment but I do not think that it is working. When I do not feel bad (rarely) I forget that at some point I have felt bad and I almost believe that my well-being will last forever, but then it always comes back. Painkillers do not even work most of the time. I am only 15 years old but I am so tired of living like this day by day, for so long, wondering why me and knowing that I may have YEARS ahead of me in the same situation with no ona giving me any solution. During this time I have been on the verge of giving up on many occasions, and in the end I always get up again, but I cannot take it anymore. Really not. I just want to be at damn peace. I am 15 and I have been struggling with a rare illness for the past three years and I am done",Suicidal +14709,"I am alone because I am depressed, and I do not want to drag other people down with my shit, catch my drift? Literally, if I make friends I will become far more emotionally dependent on them than they are on me, and it will be a highly toxic and emotionally imbalanced relationship, and I do not want to do that to another person simply to satisfy my ego. That would make me even more depressed, and quite frankly, I am far happier being alone for that reason. So quit pressuring me to make friends, for fucks sake. I am not depressed because I am alone.",Depression +14710,"Thanks to COVID mental health help has not been easy to get. My family has been going through their own issues that I will not share but they do not need to be hearing mine right now I do not want to stress them out. I am depressed for my past, present, and future. I feel empty and hollow. I self h**med a few days ago and I want to do it again but I know it is going to make me worse. I am trying to figure out if I have been sexually assaulted as a kid but I cannot remember and its all so confusing. I hate myself so much and I do not feel like I have anyone to talk to me. I just want hug but Ill probably cry if I get one. I am thinking of just texting the crisis line. I am so depressed I need help but I cannot get it",Depression +14711,Can be anything from nature to whiskey Which booze helps the most in drowning out the thoughts?,Suicidal +14712,i always say I am lonely but whenever i meet someone online i end up just getting away and stop replying then i feel guilty because i could have made a friend to talk with i swear i do this on purpose,Suicidal +14713,"The title explains it pretty well, I am emotionally numb. I feel minor glimpses of happiness here and there but not for more than a couple of minutes at a time. Even when I feel sad it is not even sadness it is just emptiness. I am finding it harder to cope with this over time. I smoke weed every night just to feel something, even that is not enough anymore. I just want to feel. Everything is numb",Depression +14714,"Every day I just want to go back to bed, nothing has been cheering me, I have played videogames for so many hours that I am started to get sick of it. it is hard for me to enjoy things, I just go auto pilot mode, and the moment I do enjoy just vanish in my mind. It feels like I just was not born to be happy for more than an hour, and I feel like the medication is just a way of lying to myself and I feel like I do not deserve it. I am just average right? I just want to sleep my depression out",Depression +14715,My provider no showed in telehealth.then when I text them they responded an hour later saying this was their final week and they do not work there as of this upcoming Friday. Before that I called the office and got no response and when I tried to leave message the inbox was full. I guess I am on to finding the next company. Psych no showed,Depression +14716,"So the other day I kind of had a breakdown when no one was home, a severe one that I was not sure I would survive. This has not happened to me in years. But now today, my situation got even worse, and everything seems so hopeless that I cannot feel anymore. I need to cry but I cannot, I want to be happy but I cannot. I even tried to masturbate the past couple of days but it is like my brain is devoid of all and any serotonin.So now, I am kind of stuck in a drifting state where I am just completely tuning out my emotions until it is safe to feel them again. Honestly not sure if I am a sociopath because surely this is not normal. Usually I would try to feel sad anyway or make myself feel really down like I deserve it, but that does not really help anything so I just choose nothing today. I do not want to fight feeling nothing today as much as I would rather have emotions but after my breakdown and what I almost did, I do not feel like it is safe.Anyways, I thought I was getting to a point where I was finally emotionally healthy but everything came crashing down within a couple of days. I just feel concerned for myself for the future because this numb thing only happens when I am at the very lowest of my depression and cannot take it anymore. I would not wish it on anyone. I feel like I am missing out on life because I cannot feel right now. I cannot do anything right now. Hoping maybe someone with the same problem can help when this wears off and I get to the scary part again. Thanks. Choosing nothing today",Suicidal +14717,I am 29M. There has to be something physically wrong with me. I am failing at my job. And life. I feel so shitty and sickly. Help.... I have blood test results. Fatigue and malaise. Generally feeling unwell and sick. Is this normal for moderate to major depression? I feel like I am dying. For the past 3 plus years...,Depression +14718,"I cannot work or have any fulfilling kind of life. what is the point? I have been really trying not to top myself for a while now but honestly at this point I am done. Suicide prevention in my area is shitty. My last effort is posting here. How do i pick myself up from this massive pile of shit? I have no education and just no future. I am sick of distracting myself from this everyday just by wasting time when i know I am not going to get any better. I am an autistic, ptsd riddled transgender guy. I have no reason to carry on.",Suicidal +14719,I have tried telling friends and family about my feelings but it feels like I have just been the boy who cried wolf or just saturated the whole thing to where they are just tired of hearing it. I cannot bring myself to talk to them so I am trying here before I end up making a forever decision. At this point just saying it to someone makes it feel better I hope it stays this way I am afraid of what will happen when telling someone does not help. How can you deal with something like this alone?,Suicidal +14720,Wow I have really hit rock bottom. I am sad. I just prayed to God for me to pass in my sleep,Depression +14721,"Never thought Id make a post but after the past 5 years I am seriously not right. I have a series of unfortunate events fold out and I am just at my wits end. I honestly think it would be easier to just jump but honestly I do not want to. Idk why I am writing this, maybe for attention which is embarrassing but seriously considering it. I cannot hold down a job. I have had 5 jobs in the last 2 yrs and I am running out of places to go eventually I would have worked and left everywhere where I live ! How useless Am I. Anyone any advice ? Please Never thought Id do this",Suicidal +14722,"I guess I am here to ask if this is depression, in anyones personal opinion from experience.I am 30 and recently (for the past couple years at this point) fallen on some hard times financially and physically. I had a salivary stone under my tongue a couple years ago causing my salivary glands to swell huge when I would eat. I guess its rare. I had it removed and since then I have some sort of nerve damage on the ""front"" of my neck. like my throat, but the outside and down to collar bone.So I had to leave my manual labor job and get a sit down security job. I started learning to program cuz my job is pointless and easy so I have free time.I moved back into my parents house. Nothing interests me anymore. Not even trying to turn anything around. I have friends but they are all succesful and own homes and are married having babies. So even when we hangout, although I am very happy for them, I inevitably drive back home, lonely, feeling like I have totally been left in the dust. Which is no ones fault, it just seems to be reality. gaming, music, movies, drawing- all things i used to love doing on my alone time- literally bore me to the point it makes me sad, so I do not even try anymore cuz it just makes me miss the old me. I love my family, but they are all very narcisistic(spelling). And my dad and mom both have health problems of their own. I really do not have anything to complain about compared to them, and they gave me a good childhood other than some abusive episodes. But they had very shitty childhoods.I just sit here and think about the past, the good days. Just , me being happy to be me. Fuck I am literally starting to tear up as I type this.I guess I am venting or asking if this is depression. I know I would need to be diagnosed by a doc. unfortunately I am broke and do not have insurance. sometimes I write this off as karma. I was the ""cool"" kid in highschool and I was a gigantic piece of shit to girls and other kids. Maybe its just deep self loathing finally surfacing.thanks you all Where have I gone?",Depression +14723,"For context, my ex (20m) and I (20f) broke up 4 years ago. I have been with my current boyfriend (20m) for about 3 1/2 years.As you can tell by my timeline, I moved on from my ex relatively fast. I think its because when we broke up, he cut off all contact and we did not talk until a year and a half after we broke up. I was so upset and lonely so I met this cute boy at my very first job and we fell in love. And I almost completely forgot about my ex.My ex and I were together for 4 years. We were 12 when we met and 16 when we broke up. We were each others first bf/gf and we took each others virginity. I was VERY attached to this boy. We have not talked to each other since we graduated high school (2 years ago) but I have always stalked his social media once in a while.I saw today that he got married last week and for some reason I burst into tears. I do not miss him, I am not in love with him anymore, and I love my boyfriend very much so I do not know why I am so upset.Is this normal? If I am for some reason still attached to him, how do I move on? My ex boyfriend got married and for some reason I am upset over it",Depression +14724,I am so fricken lost... friends family. All of it is not enough. Anyone who calls. Its okay. I just need to reassure I do not need to die.,Suicidal +14725,I live with abusive family that is for one. I get screamed at for anything I do so I just stay in my room to avoid them. But I have 0 friends and no partner obviously. I had an online friend for a little bit and he just snapped at me saying how I am npd and a loser (screenshots in my post history). Idk what to even think anymore. Why does everyone hate me. I do not know if I am the shitty one or everyone around me is,Suicidal +14726,"I can see that I have come a long way from when I attempted suicide a few years ago but I still want to die. Everyone around me thinks that I am doing well but I guess that just means that I am better at hiding my pain and I have gotten used to not being okay. I am not close to anyone and I do not have any friends. I only have my family and my job and I do not know how but I am apparently doing very well at my job. I have always kept my family at an arms length away and are family never show are emotion nonetheless talk about them. I was an athlete as well so I was always told to man up and tough it out. I could always tough it out with the physical pain but I never learned how to handle what I felt on the inside. Being so closed off for all my life has made me so alone and unable to let anyone in and I fear that I never will. I cannot do this alone anymore but I have nowhere and no one to turn to. I just want it all to stop. I have tried to tell myself that its going to get better but it has and I still feel worthless and empty. I have spent my whole life trying to find happiness but I know no matter what I do I never come anywhere close to happy. I hate myself so much and I am trying so hard not to kill myself but I am just so tired and I honestly do not know why I am still trying. I am trying to learn to be okay with not being okay, because that might be the best I could hope for. I am doing much better but I am still suicidal.",Suicidal +14727,"I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, though i am not sure if i ever actually had it. I had a couple years where i was on a lot of drugs, both prescription and non prescription, which caused severe depression, but i know that was just because the drugs were screwing with my brain (specifically opioids and antidepressants). It majorly improved once i was off them. I know that i have anxiety, and many social issues (possibly autism). But when i really look at it, basically every time i was depressed it was because i was obsessively worrying or terrified of something/someone, or overthinking about a past experience. I am able to pull myself out of these depressive episodes with change of environment, except for the time it was caused by the drugs and on the unusual occasion when something really bad happens. From what i understand, people with major depressive disorder are not able to do that very easily, or at all. I am starting to believe i never had true major depression, but depressive symptoms from other issues such as the anxiety, social issues or past trauma, along with just being in a bad environment and/or with bad people. I do not think that my negative feelings about life and the world are irrational or caused by depression, i am just naturally pessimistic and have still been able to feel better without changing that (i have no desire to, i am perfectly fine with being a pessimist..i actually felt worse when i was trying to be more optimistic). Maybe the reason treatments have never worked is because they are just treating a symptom and not the real issue? Can depression just be a symptom of another condition? I am questioning if i ever had depression at all",Depression +14728,It just feels like a drug. A bottle to drown the pain and a knife to because some fukcing dammage. It might just be me but the week of pain from one night just feels deserved. Fuck me! Why is cutting an instinct,Depression +14729,"lol that is pretty much it. They go from being a stranger, to a friend, to your best friend, to the love of your life, to a stranger. When you think you found the one... but they shatter your heart.",Depression +14730,"I am trying to figure out what method has a good success rate? I was thinking of hanging myself or taking rat poison. Would appreciate any other suggestions, that does not leave a huge mess behind What is a for sure method?",Suicidal +14731,"Basically my friend has been ignoring me for weeks. Then out of nowhere he messaged me and explained to me that I am a shit person and said it was not my fault because its just who I am. The thing is I felt nothing when he said that absolutely nothing. All I feel is boredom and nothing in my life, I find no enjoyment in anything. And me losing my friend and feeling nothing just makes me think I am a shit person. My friend just told me I am a shit person.",Depression +14732,"Basically my friend has been ignoring me for weeks. Then out of nowhere he messaged me and explained to me that I am a shit person and said it was not my fault because its just who I am. The thing is I felt nothing when he said that absolutely nothing. All I feel is boredom and nothing in my life, I find no enjoyment in anything. And my losing my friend and feeling nothing just makes me think I am a shit person. My friend just told me I am shit person.",Depression +14733,sometimes i really wish i had crap parents who do not care about me at all. it would allow me to kill myself without being guilty for taking their child away. i know i sound selfish and ungrateful but,Suicidal +14734,"2 years ago, I decided to come to Korea to study electronics engineering. I came to Korea because the tech industry is just too good not to be part of. Hence, I enrolled and got admitted to a prestigious university. The first week of classes were nice, I initially attended English taught general courses as well as a daily 4 hour Korean Intensive Lessons and met friends. People from the English taught class were mainly foreigners with some Koreans who lived abroad. People from the Korean class were really nice, people from different countries with different backgrounds. I though that they would be my friend group, but I was wrong. As the semester goes on, these people hang out more with their 'nationality' groups -- by that I mean they hang out with people from their country. I started to get left behind, as I, do not have any 'nationality' groups as I am the only undergraduate student from my country in that university (people from my country do not usually go to other East Asian countries for undergrad). As time passes by, I see my Japanese friend hang out more with his Japanese friends, the Vietnamese people hang out with other people, Chinese people too just hang with other Chinese people. And of course, Koreans hang out with Koreans. During one school event, this reality of mine that I would be all by myself for the rest of the undergraduate course struck me. It was a just an event for freshmen students and people just went out hanging with their friend/'nationality' groups. I thought that I would hang out with the people from my Korean class however, as expected, they went to their groups and left me alone, wandering around the food stalls, hearing and seeing people laugh with their friends and just have a good time. As I walk pass groups of people, I decided to just head back to my dorm. My roommate, who was a Korean asked me (with all the best he can in English) 'why were not I spending time with my friends?'. And I just told him 'I did. I was just feeling sick of the changing weather.' &#x200B;Ps. I do not know exactly if this is where I should post this. I just want this 'heaviness' out of my chest. I wish that I just belong",Depression +14735,My mind is racing my whole could be over because of a break up and I get this sudden thought that I could just end it and then suddenly I do not care anymore I am waiting in court,Suicidal +14736,I have had depression for about 15 years. Six years ago I was in hospital with severe depression and the aftermath of what I had consumed (bleach). My family found out about this then. I have been working through a lot since then with my family and their reaction in mind.I was sexually assaulted by a colleague two years ago (lightly putting it). I bumped into him at a pub two months ago and was hanging out (cos we had worked together for a few years after what happened). Later in the night I brought up what happened in the past. He attacked me and it was only broken up by a girl who he then started hitting because she was defending. She said we needed to tell the police because we were bruised. I have told them what has happened before now.Very much struggling right now. I am seeing a therapist but I would like some actual real life advice rather than supportive messages. My depression has reached its maximum. Researched and ready,Suicidal +14737,"I thought if I post this here it may help someone who has not already heard this analogy. it is really simple but counsellors and therapists have shared this with me in the past. I think it helped me visualise how anxiety and depression affects a person's ability to function and face the challenges of life and explain it to others: 1. Take two cups and fill the first with a little bit of water, and the second half full.2. The first cup is a 'normal person', the second is someone who suffers with a mental health condition like anxiety, 3. For all of life's stresses - work stress, financial worries, family issues, health problems, having a bad day etc. - add a little water to each glass. do not stop pouring.4. Obviously, the second glass will begin to overflow first. If it is knocked, the contents will be more likely to spill the fuller the glasses are.5. For many people who have silent struggles affecting their mental OR physical health, their cup is already pretty full at their baseline.6. It does not take a lot for this cup to overflow or spill compared to others, but that does not mean the cup is completely incapable of holding any water.7. It might be necessary to make a few holes in the bottom of that cup to stop the cup from overflowing. Cup Analogy",Depression +14738, I am thinking I want to cut deeper. I wish for death. I am a horrible person and i deserve this,Suicidal +14739,"I am ready to fucking end everything, I am a virgin at 20 years old and I am a loser for it. I cannot talk to women, I am terrified of them, I am so inadequate compared to them, I am just a damn freak. Nobody cares about people like us, everyone just says it is my fault. Well how about try being traumatized and going through a lot of shit in my life, that is why I am so cynical at 20, I know how cruel the world is, and I will never experience a woman's touch or company. Never. So I am ready to end it before things get worse. I am a loser and I know that, I know I am not worth anything to a halfway decent woman. I am not naive, I know I am fucked. Fucking end me, I have had it with this bullshit. Fuck the world and fuck everything I am an Incel and I just want to end it all",Suicidal +14740,do I deserve it? why is my life like this?,Suicidal +14741,"Who knows who was the first person who thought giving another some piece of paper in exchange for something else was a good idea. What value did they see in that?These papers and coins known as ""money"" changed completely the way the world works. If you have it, you can cover some or all of your basic needs. But if you have none at all, you either live miserably or die.You want a place to stay? Pay.You want clothing? Pay.Feel hungry, thirsty, sick? Pay.People say money is something you get as a reward for your efforts. But seems like it is the only reward that matters.Doctors do not save people because they care for their patients. it is because they are getting paid. The satisfaction of seeing their patients healthy and happy is not enough.If youtubers did not get paid for making videos, half of them would not even be recognised.Singers do not sing because seeing their fans enjoying their music brings them happiness or satisfaction.Cooks make food to get paid, and with that pay they buy their own food, and the money they spent is later given to someone else, then someone more, and it is a never ending cycle.Very few do stuff because they actually like what they do, or because they want to because a positive impact on others, and they do not expect anything in exchange.But no one can really live like this because it is simply how the world turned out to be. You need money to live whether you like it or not. Which is one of the reasons why some people are forced to do some of the most horrible things in order to get it.Why could not everyone have the same opportunities? Why is money the only reward you can get for your efforts? Since when did money matter more than yours or others' happiness? Basically, your life depends on these pieces of paper called ""money""",Depression +14742,"I am very depressed. I was diagnosed by a physician at age 12. I am 20 now and I just do not feel like my life will ever be happy again (like it was before I was diagnosed with depression), or at least not happy in the same way. I would say my life is extremely mediocre and boring. I just do not know if it will ever be anything more. I want excitement and true happiness and it looks like its not happening. My mental illness ruined my teens years. I feel like I can never get that time back (I literally cannot) and it seems impossible to make new friends at my age. I cannot see my life ever being good.",Depression +14743,Someone else could step in and do a better job at literally everything. Any good that I have done is far overshadowed by my uncontrollable anger. If I could die and have a clone take my place I would do so just to spare others from my hurtful angry ways. I guess I am just selfish and need attention.,Suicidal +14744,"The moment I notice I die and look over my body knowing that I do not have to ever, shit,piss,brush my teeth,shower,work, take pills and deal with my broken body ever again is orgasmic. Of course maybe it will be just nothing and I would not see my body but just pure nothing that is great too. Dreaming about the moment I die is such a nice warm feeling",Depression +14745,"Zero feelings. Neither anger, nor love, nor sadness, nor desire, nor happiness. I am an empty she will lost to apathy. I can only feel disgust for myself: a woman who has nothing to offer to anyone. I wonder what is the point of living if I cannot just be human. If I cannot FEEL human.I walk around the room with chaos in my head and emptiness in my eyes. Eternal void",Suicidal +14746,"Lately I have not been myself, some days I eat a lot some days I eat nothing, Ever since about a week ago l have been waking up sitting on my couch and doing nothing with my day. I am 15 and its been hard lately, I used to be super active going swimming every day and working out. Now I am just not doing anything and this is a bad way to put it but sometimes I feel dead inside or I feel as if I am not doing anything with my life. I am not experiencing any emotions either. Is this depression? If not what Is it? How do I know if I am depressed?",Depression +14747,"If only past me knew how much more worst it was going to get \_()_/ hindsight sucks. I miss the past, even though I hated living in it.",Depression +14748,"I have had depression since I was a kid (I am 25 now). The only thing that got me through when I was a kid and teen being abused was thinking about my future career as a professor. Now I am a PhD student who was kicked out of her home by her family (they did not approve of me getting a PhD instead of doing something ""productive""), and has PTSD from my abuse. I actually let myself think I was okay for a few months, that maybe I could make it through, but today I received a scathing email from my boss. Apparently my job performance is terrible (and as I am a first year TA at a university this was verified by a negative email to my department head from a student). The only thing I live for at this point is teaching, it was the only thing I was ever good at and I am not even good at it. Even better, my boss made it clear that if I do not improve my performance (...which they will not be training me on as they did not this year either) they will rescind my scholarship and I will have to drop out. I feel like this is the sign that I have been waiting on for years, that its time for me to go. That I really am defective and there is no place for me in a world that claims to care about mental illness and then acts surprised when a person with acute illness displays symptoms. I am so tired. I feel trapped in my body, my life, my mind. I feel like Giles Corey, every small thing is another stone on my chest. How do you live when you are the person that other people say deserves to die? Today I Received My Sign That it is Time To Go",Suicidal +14749," am both shocked, and feeling like I should have already realized it.I am who he is talking about. I am not brave enough to save everyone around me and jump off a fucking bridge, but I wish I were. It just shows me another reason I should hate myself, and reminds me that I do not deserve life. While I am alive, others suffer.I wish I could just kill myself. It really would be the right thing to do. Holy shit. This is me.",Depression +14750,I am so miserable. I just want to end it all. I have gained so much weight and it makes me feel like a failure and so freakin unworthy I see pics of me months ago and just break down and ball my eyes out. I never feel enough. I have nobody to talk to. I cannot been make friends because I feel too ugly. What the heck is wrong with me. I cannot be happy and it fn sucks. I cannot even go to Walmart without feeling like the ugliest person there so I isolate myself inside my apartment. I am so lonely. I am so disgusted with myself. I am 23..I should be enjoying life.. but no instead I keep wishing I had the guts to end my life. I hate it. Why will not it end.,Depression +14751,"When I feel bad, I feel like I need something to help propel the downward spiral. I want to go deeper into the darkness and just swirl around in there. Anybody got anything like that? How to feel worse?",Suicidal +14752,"I feel like a complete asshole that I am even on here with my stupid fucking problems that no one gives a shit about anyways but I do not know what to do anymore. I am a complete failure, my parents spent tens of thousands of dollars so I could study at a good high school and I fucked it all up. I have never been diagnosed with depression and I hate people who self diagnose themselves, but for the past year there has not been a day where I felt good about myself. I graduated this year and I did not get into any of the universities I applied to. To any normal person this should seem like the stupidest fucking reason to end your life but after my parents find out about this I am as good as dead to them anyway. As I am writing this I feel even more stupid that I even have these feelings but I just needed to vent them somewhere. I am sitting on a bench near a bridge in my home town and it seems ever more tempting to just go up and jump but I am probably too much of a pussy to do it. I am so disappointed with my self and how I squandered my life. Hope everyone else is doing better than me and has people in their lives that they can turn to if they have suicidal feelings. I am a failure",Suicidal +14753,"I know this is not that bad of a situation compared to other people's posts , but I feal like this might help me .Since late April i had been desperate about getting a gf . I knew the perfect person , we have known each other for 3 years now ,as friends.I was officially in love with her , the reason why I loved her so much is because my life was perfect when was around her . At this point i did not care about looks or other things related to that , i wanted someone to suport me and help me go through the final exam i had this year .From random conversations we had she always said that she might have a relation ship with someone .So I waited , and waited until it was all over with school .At the start of the month i was talking with some friends about her , they told me to shoot my shot .One day , we were out together ( for context in our neighborhood there are only 4 teens in the same age range ) we were all 4 out just to hang out .My crush was with her best friend and me and another dude like 2 years younger than me just talking . At this point a had enough i call my homie and ask him for help ( we both knew jack shit about relationships , we barely talked to girls ).So he adds to the call a friend of his that was i class with us ( a girl shocking i know )I told her everything even tho she was drunk and we agreed to tell her .So I left the call and talk with the kid that was with me .After some time , my crush and her best friend go next to us and ask ""wyd""-idk just talking (i said And out of nowhere she said about what .Out of pure stress i told her that i like her , and she said that "" she sees me as her friend "" .From that day on life is dark, meaningless to me , i feel like life is not fun in fact i have not heard a word from the since . I still have fealings for her and those are just demolishing mental health . The internet does not help ever since I searched for help on it my feeds on all social media apps are people getting gf and post photos of them cuddling . If the is a god ten why does all bad things fall on me . please i just wanted to be happy again and it is even worst . Is it to much to ask for ?!?!?!",Depression +14754,"But they chosed to make me worse, sad. I wish people would just ignore me",Suicidal +14755,"I spend most of my time thinking about the question weither or not life is worth all the stress and pain and at this point only two things make me want to live, my friends, who I do not want to miss me, and the fact that I am too scared to die. By that I do not mean that I am scared of the afterlife or so because I do not really believe in it. I am just scared of the last hours, last minutes or only the last seconds before it happens and all the fear and pain I would feel. But if life is worth all the pain for so many people then maybe eternal rest is worth a few painful seconds too. Is life worth it?",Suicidal +14756,I just want to die. I do not want to be alive anymore. I do not want to remember anything anymore. I have so much fucking anxiety I do not know how much more I can take. Die die die,Depression +14757,I just want someone to tell me it all gets better. I am tired of feeling like this and I am not sure how long I can carry on putting on a brave face. Any time I have ounce of joy its instantly changed to just nothingness,Depression +14758,"This has happened more than once three time in the last year every time i meet a girl I really like they always leave me. No matter how I talk to them. I feel like its the only thing that will make me happy is having a girlfriend that I can eventually love hang out with. I have a lonely life, where I live I have no family here. Its depressing and I feel down and my self esteem is shot. I feel really silly posting this but idk where else to vent",Depression +14759,Have been just overwhelmingly sad the past few days stuck in thought of relationships with significant others and friends I have ruined the past few years. Thinking of this stuff used to make me ball my eyes out and I cannot even work up tears now. Just the pain and the numbness that comes with it. If this is not complete rock bottom then ohhhh boy. I am not even capable of crying for myself anymore,Depression +14760,"I have had no mental problems nor depression my entire life. I am perfectly happy with my life. My girlfriend however, is not doing good at all. She has a bad home life where she is neglected and treated badly by her mom and her sisters, plus her parents have recently divorced. She just told me not too long ago that she is depressed and thinks about suicide/self harm often. I have suggested therapy but she persists and tells me that she does not want to be put on medicine because that is what made her father different and led to the divorce. I have also suggested talking to a hotline but she claims that talking to the hotlines usually end in therapy too. She tells me that talking to me and me being there helps her a lot but she still has these thoughts when I am not around, making it even worse, she is away from home for a month and a half right now and it worries me because she could hurt herself or something. I feel so horrible about the entire situation and feel powerless because nothing that I do or suggest helps her get rid of this problem. Can anyone give me any tips to help me support her fight or help her to get rid of it? Thank you. Need help as soon as possible, but not for me...",Depression +14761,"So I just dropped my BF (31) off at the hospital this morning for the first time ever. He had an attempted suicide in the night by taking extra antidepressants when he woke up in the middle of the night. Hes been open with me about being depressed and has been good about taking his medication. The whole situation was scary. I called in sick right away to spend the day with him which is when he proceeded to tell me why he was upset and what happened in the middle of the night while I slept. When we got to emerg I was told I could not go in with him, so I waited in the car. They got him in quickly and I was being updated as they slowly took everything away from him and he spoke with medical people. Then they took his phone and it hit me like a tone of bricks. I had no idea anything that was happening and I was just trusting these people. Covid fucking sucks! I wanted to be there ask the doctors what is happening what hes allowed or not. I wanted to bring him a snack when he was hungry. All I could do was hold on tight to my phone for the day and hope I would hear from him. I have received 2 calls from him now. I know a bit more but I am still on edge. Any significant others on here that have some advice for how to do this? I am just very scared, but logically I know hes in a safe space. First hospital visit",Depression +14762,"These were the symptoms of the last two antidepressants I tried. Starting my new ones in a few days, hopefully third time's the charm cannot cum or lose weight",Depression +14763,This is the last year of my life. I can feel like everythings about to come to a close. Darkness is closing in and the curtains about to fall. I can tell its almost over,Suicidal +14764,"I am going to say I want advice, and I do, but this will really sound like a rant/vent lol. I have been struggling really bad with depression, anxiety and stress lately and I can feel myself getting worse every day and I cannot seem to break myself out of it. I ended a horrible, abusive marriage last fall; finalized in January of this year. I reconnected with an old junior high friend and we have been 'seeing eachother' for a few months now. it is not official, and we live 3 hours from eachother, so we do not get to see eachother often. The past few months, my job has been increasingly more stressful. Way more than what I feel is necessary for a medical Secretary. The professionals I work for are cruel and cold, and nothing is ever enough. The office management keeps piling work on us and tells us to just work overtime to get it done. they have taken our lunch breaks away, so most days I am stuck in my chair for 9-12 hours. My back hurts, my eyes hurt and I am constantly battling a headache. I am never good enough. The only reason I have left is that I am moving back to my home town in October, so I want to push through. I have also been with the company longer than most other secretaries, with more experience than them and they make more that me. Salty at that.Money is also so tight right now I had to cancel my health insurance and all of my extra benefits through work. But dealing with work, the weight gain, which is terrifying, missing my unofficial boyfriend and home, I also just found out that my ex-husband got remarried last week. there is a 6 month wait period in Missouri from divorce to remarry and he hit it on the nose. I am not sure what my feelings are about this, but it is weighing on me. I do not want to be with him. He cheated/lied about cheating, would gas light, and if I would ever stand my ground, I would get hit, then he would call the police and tell them I attacked him and started hitting myself 'to blame him'. I am so relieved to be out of that situation, but finding out that he got married again (to someone 15 years younger than him) really bothers me. Like I get the marriage was garbage, but to move on so quickly just floors me. I am not sure how long he is been with this girl, but since our divorce, he is had about 5 girlfriends, and she is the newest one. His last relationship ended mid May. I only know all this because our mutual friends find it necessary to tell me, which that is a whole ordeal on its own. I also still have to deal with him because of a joint loan for a car. He has the car, the title is in his name, but he refuses to refinance it to take my name off. I know I rambled on alot, but I just feel like every aspect of my life is crap right now and I cannot find a way to break myself out of this funk. I sleep more, have trouble getting up, and actually making myself look decent. I have no desire to work, workout, eat regularly or healthily and I do zero self care. I told myself last night that today would be different, and it was but for the worse. I woke up and called into work and went back to sleep for another 3 hours. Finally got up and had a protein shake and then made sure to get some veggies in with lunch, but I am so low on energy, I feel like I am slipping away. I have not had any kind of suicidal or self harm thoughts, just extreme thoughts of worthlessness.Anyone experience anything similar or have thoughts to help break out of this funk? Currently Struggling",Depression +14765,"For over 30 years, I suffered from depression and anxiety. Having been on a variety of medications with minimal relief, I had succumb to the fact that I would never be happy. I thought that I would just continue to exist until my thoughts got the best of me.I tried ketamine infusions last April. I had 6 infusions over a span of 3 weeks. I cannot remember a time when I have been in a better place than now. Mentally, physically, and spiritually....my life has been changed. Consequently, I implore others to try it. While the IV infusions are expensive, there is an FDA approved nasal spray called Spravato. Most insurance will cover it if you can prove that your depression is treatment resistant. I hope that you can find hope and peace in knowing that there is something out there that can help you. I tried ketamine and feel great",Depression +14766,"Yes I feel horrible when I am depressed, but the anxiety that strikes during the good days and a feeling of something worse is going to happen after this, even if it does not most of the time, and I have come to the point where I just panic when I am not depressed. I do not want to say I hate myself cuz hate is a strong word, and I need something stronger I get nervous and anxious when I am not depressed",Depression +14767,"I am not his fucking therapist. I cannot stay up until half twelve anymore talking about the same shit over and over and when he wants advice he will start making excuses. How tf have i managed to deal with the same shit he has without going on about it. Sure, I am here to talk but i cannot keep listening about all this depressing shit when I have my own problems. I really cannot fucking take it please just shut the fuck up. I want to tell him how I am doing, I want to talk about the fact that I want to kms still everyday but I cannot. it is only ever bout him. I really cannot take it its too much everyone tells me their problems i cannot take it. Therapist",Suicidal +14768,"I [34M] have been taking Lexapro for the last 2 years and was going to a therapist and in the last year got it down to maintenance visits every few months. Even with COVID, my life has been relatively unchanged, but this last June I finally snapped and quit my job from stress and guilt. My GF [27F] has been an amazing support, but since I quit, I have gotten to the point of sleeping 5 hours a day on top of nightly sleep. I took a long break from working and it has not helped, I am down to my last dollars and she has even helped pay the bills this month to keep us afloat. Thankfully, i have a new job lined up for the 27th so things are looking up. But despite the Lexapro keeping my head together (more or less), I am still just barely functioning, I do my best to communicate and use my CBT exercises. But I need to be back to some normalcy before I start working again. Thank you Need help dealing with excessive sleep",Depression +14769,"I feel like there is no other solution. To all that shit I have been through, the trauma. I cannot get over anything. I cannot process what is happening to me and the memories are slowly piling up.I never realized how fucked up my life's been up until I started therapy. I quit 6 months later because it was too much to handle. It made me realize too much. I am filled with rage. My thoughts are killing me and I feel like my mind is decaying. I have tried everything and nothing seemed to help. I feel unfixable",Suicidal +14770,"I do not care to kill myself, but I just do not want to exist anymore. I feel like there is no point in continuing in this meatsack in a world full self-centered, shitty, asshole cretin, animalistic people and it seems the grass has to be greener on the other side.it is like I just feel that the situations and shitty people I have associated myself with have made this life so devoid of joy that I do not want to try for anything anymore. I do not feel like competing in the rat race anymore due to constant mindgames and people spitting on me and my ambitions... and there is no alternative for survival (from a monetary standpoint). There was a point in time when I had dreams and every time I tried for them I got shot down and destroyed by the very people in charge of being able to make said dreams possible. Every ""job"" I have had, I have either had the dickhead bully or the asshole that does not see that I even exist. Any opinion or idea I ever have is dismissed and belittled. To be honest I have contemplated just saying fuck it to work altogether and being homeless. Perhaps I would starve to death in my sleep or die from hypothermia at some point in the near future. Every fucking day is like groundhog day, slaving away and not being able to afford a living in the same process. Depression symptoms are not ""standard"", but pretty sure they are depression symptoms.",Depression +14771,"I have always had suicidal ideation, perhaps, since my puberty. My mental health got worse and I finally got diagnosed with bipolar in my freshman year of college. I tried counseling, psychiatric drugs, etc. and none of them seems to help. Yes, they suppress my episodes, but the thoughts of dying never go away.I guess the fact that I got interested in social science in college and got into a study group in that regard, despite studying medicine, does not help either. I guess those school of thoughts saying that ""existence is pain, life is meaningless"" etc. does not do well for a suicidal person, eh? In this regard, damn do I wish I can be a devout Christian like my parents. They seem to hape some sort of hope in God throughout their life. Unfortunately, I just cannot do that.Studying medicine, in regards of my suicidal tendency, is a mixed bag. To some degree, it helps me prevent actually committing suicide. Knowing how painful the process can be, its failure rate, etc. I want to die, you know, and it has to be graceful. I do not want to die in pain, life is already painful. I already tried overdosing myself with benzos and failed, only to end up slurring some personal secrets (ie. my homosexuality, my sex activity, etc.) to my parents which stirrs up our relationship in a bad way. Nevertheless, on the other hand, I keep trying to find a perfect way of committing suicide with the knowledge I know: figuring out drugs' lethal doses, its toxicity characteristics, etc. It definitely does not help.As of now, I am currently under that spiral. I have been trying to find the perfect suicide method on the internet for the past two days. Finding means to die and orchestrating my hypothetical death. Maybe I am on my episode again; I do not know. I quit taking my prescribed drugs and going to psychiatrists for almost a year under my parents' pressure. Moreover, those drugs do not do well for me; the side effects are just unbearable. I am already considering admitting myself to psych ward at this point, but as I am currently escaping from them and have no plan seeing them in the near future, I do not think it would do. Furthermore, my established hatred of psychiatric drugs and what not, to my thoughts, would only make things worse, no?I have no one else to ask for advice. All people I talk to has never really helped. Sure, they do care about me to some extent, but they ended up only wanting to stop me from dying without even addressing what the problem is, which to me is only means of distancing themselves from the liability. Therefore, I would really love to hear your two cents from my story.For mods, I have tried reading this sub's rules and I do not know whether if this post breaks any of them. I am really sorry if it does. I do not wish anybody harm, I never do. *random title*",Suicidal +14772,"I wonder what it is like to have someone properly care about you, truly care about your welfare, truly care what happens to you, truly care about your feelings, truly care about what you are thinking, truly care to ask how you are. I cannot allow myself to allow anyone in, because I just know it will end in more pain, so I guess I will never know. What Does It Feel Like When Someone Cares",Depression +14773,"recently there has been a lot of ""drama"" going on in my personal life with a girl leaking guys personal shit (nudes, addresses, phone numbers). luckily i was not one of them but a very close friend of mine was. when trying to defend him a bunch of her friends started to criticize me. this did not seem like a problem at first until my actual friends started to hop on the hate train. i do not know why they decided to hate me after completely agreeing with me before (probably because of some retarded rumor). ever since then I have had a lot of my close friends leave me and one killed themself. I am losing sleep and having trouble writing this from how shaky my hands are. i do not want to be here anymore. how do i go about with leaving everything behind. how do i leave town. how do i become who i am, without all this bullshit drama. if you read all the way here, thanks, i just wanted an outlet to share my feelings. a really close friend of mine just killed themself and i feel like how i am right now I am going down that same road, and the only clear exit is the same. why does everyone i know leave me",Suicidal +14774,"I have been home for 2 years now , basically isolated from the outside world. all I did during these last couple of years was cry my eyes out each and every night wondering if this pain and sadness I feel will ever go away. I felt/feel so alone.i had no friends(not even online)...no one to talk to....until I met a guy online. he was very sweet at the time...very religious and godly and at the time..I just wanted to feel loved..and less lonely....less sad....I wanted him to make me feel better instead he gave me an sti..that I am stuck with for life.he told me he did not know(and I stupidly believed him at the time) but later on his friend told me that he had this sti way before meI feel so used...like trash. I hated myself long before all this..but now Its 1000 times worse...i cannot even stand to look in the mirror.. .I felt lonely before, but now Its guaranteed that I am most likely going to die alone because who is going to want to be with me when I have this disease..I feel dirty and stupid for trusting him. knowing that he purposefully gave me this disease makes me feel worthless. I am isolated from the world with nothing but my thoughts for company. And my mind rn is the darkest place I can be.I hate myself..i hate who I am...I keep doing the same shit over and over... And I end up in the same place each time *on the bathroom floor crying praying for the pain and this loneliness to go away. I feel so stupid . I just want the pain to stop.it hurts and it just never goes away..Everytime I try to make the pain stop and make the loneliness go away I just replace it with more pain...I feel like the only escape is death...I cannot take it anymore I just cannot. (M24) Purposefully gave me(F20) HPV. As if things could not get anyworse",Depression +14775,"Hello, my fiance (23f) has has mental health struggles for a long time, and last night decided to write a suicide note, and almost popped 12 pills of ibuprofen. She had them out and ready. Now she did online therapy for a good little bit, but it did not help her at all, and she did not really tell the therapist what she needed to. We have tried to find her a new therapist in the area, but none are available. Obviously we want her to see a psychiatrist to get prescribed to some treatment plans, but they will not allow her to have sessions unless she were to see a therapist first, and the online one does not count. Honestly I just want to be able to help in any way I can. I know I cannot do much, besides being here for her, but I would love any advice or tips as to what I can do to help her, or what she could do to help herself, like listing positive things about each day or something like that. Thank you for the help! tl;dr: need advice on how to help fiance with depression. Need advice for depression help for fiancee",Depression +14776,"I just hate my current life. I have lost all interest in things that usually excite me and it is like I am just stuck in a cycle of being in a depression slump, wanting to do more, trying stuff and realising I cannot enjoy things anymore, then going back into a slump etc. I can tell I am slowly pushing people away, getting ansty with them and nowadays it is an achievement to even make my bed in the morning. Every day is so grey and monotonous no matter what I do. Is there any way I can bring some sort of spark back into my life? The issue is not really doing things because I try that, it is more just trying to feel passions again. How to start living again?",Depression +14777,"I just am so tired of being alone, last night I almost put a 12 gage thru my head cus I got nothin and no one. No one loves me no one cares. All I want is a relationship but noooo I cannot even make fucking friends. I try and try and try and everyone around me is in these loving long term relationships and here I am stuck. Alone. I am honestly just so done with everything. All I want is to be happy. I am so done with my life.",Suicidal +14778,"I do not want to be here anymore, I never did. Life is so god damn overinflated. People act like its all we have got when death is clearly a better option. No more work or effort, no more rejection, no embarrassment, hatred, or anxiety. Its beautiful and peaceful and I want it now, so I am going to get it. do not try to stop me. I want you to egg me on. I am a bad person and the world would literally be better off without me. Id rather be a villain than nobody at all. Think of me as Hitler, you would want him dead right? Push me to the edge",Suicidal +14779,Is 20 young to die? Question,Suicidal +14780,Because its not the good old days anymore. Shit. It would be perfect to drink a bottle of nice scotch and swallow a bottle of pills. Goodbye and goodnight. Why oh why cannot I just OD on sleeping pills and booze?,Suicidal +14781,"The title says it all. People are just hypocrites and apathetic. Whenever you tell people that you wish you have never made a certain mistakes that you regret a lot, they will say, well everyone makes a mistake and have regrets, so pls do not push yourself too hard! Love yourself! HOWEVER, whenever you have made a mistake, people will get mad at you, hate you, and curses you for your own mistakes. So how on earth are we able to not push ourselves too hard when OTHER people are doing it to us?It makes no sense and it just made me feel even more depressed and suicidal.Fuck people Fuck people",Suicidal +14782,"I am struggling a lot at the minute. there is a lot of change expected to happen in the next few months and I am not ready for it. Mentally, i do not feel like an adult, i do not feel ready to live on my own, to pay bills, to work full time. I have a part time job at the minute and i struggle to keep up with that, i feel so drained and i feel so bad because i know people work more hours than me and work jos 100 times harder than mine, but i still feel like a child, i feel like i have not grown up. I passively want to kill myself, it is a thought that constantly occupies my mind, it is not just when I am at my lowest crying my eyes out, it is constant.I do not know what i need, if its new meds or a higher dosage, i just do not want to feel like this. it is a real struggle to wake up every day and do something. I do not feel like i can pproperly talk to my parents about it, i have a bit of a strange relationship with them both and mental health discussions have never been easy with them. I do not know what to do i feel so angry and filled with hate all the time, I am holding grudges from years ago and I am getting annoyed at the simplest of things.I am supposed to be going to university in September, with the pandemic and my mental health, i really struggled in college this past year, and my grades in one of my subjects very clearly reflect that, I am pretty confident that I am not going to get into my firm uni. I fixated on that, so now I am not sure that I will want to go anywhere else. I don;'t even know if i want to go to university, I am not sure that i even care about the course I have picked. My parents have suggested alternatives such as getting an apprenticeship, but i honestly do not feel ready to grow up, I still feel like a child, I am not ready for the real work.I have so much shit to do, my mum in particular keeps on reminding me of them and i just do not care, i do not feel like I am going to make it to the end of the summer. She said she wishes I would do more to help myself, that hurt.I feel so guilty for feeling like this, I have not suffered in any way to feel like this. I am here wanting to die when people i know and love have had their lives taken from them. I just want to be better. I have felt like this for too long. i want to be better",Depression +14783,Yeah I was neglected and bodyshamed all the time but atleast I enjoyed things I wish I could be a child again,Suicidal +14784,"Basically everything is based on ur appearence. People judge you because of ur appearence. People treat you way nicer if you look good... and it sucks because I do not get treated nicely and in ugly. I have cried many times about my appearance. I have wished death on myself and still do. I truly despise myself and wished I was a whole new person. I cannot even look in the mirror anymore because I hate how I look. Every time i look at myself i get mad because like why do I look like a man. Everytime I go somewhere I see pretty people and people with their friends and yknow are happy and confident and I compare myself to them and I am the opposite of them. No friends, no confidence, low self esteem, and unattractive. I just cannot wait til I can get plastic surgery and it will make me happy. I want to look like a whole different person so I can be happy and live a happy life. I hate todays society...",Depression +14785,"exam tomorrow, my pc broke so i do not have to worry about passwords and weird internet things for my family and i have one cigarette left. i would have needed a covid test for the exam, i missed that bc of depression and now i do not have to worry about failing ill fail anyway so why not commit to it in the next 5 hours ? it seems like the perfect opportunity to me is tonight thee night ?",Depression +14786,"Lately I have been dealing with a lot of issues involving family, accident, job, court etc etc.I have actually noticed my depression is maybe 3%. (Normally it would be at 100%) if i continued doing things the way i nornally so them.My help was going on the journey of NoFap. From my experince doing it less often helped me out a lot(mood, energy, etc). Was wondering if anyone here tried it and seen any improvements in their mood? What helped me with my depression:",Depression +14787,"Hey I am a bipolar gambling addict who day trades in the market. Well I used to do that, but now I am completely broke, because I panic sold call options on Novavax that would have made me rich enough to forget all my troubles for a while i I just held for a single day. Instead I bet against Moderna and lost every last cent that was attached to my name. I did all this while I was on my full time job. And regret even taking my phone to work, because it would have prevented me from becoming broke as a dog. Now I am in my flat and want to kms so badly. I beat myself. Knocked my head against the wall. Cut my arm with my own fingernails. I do not want to go back to the mental asylum again, I just want to end it. I could have solved all my money problems today, but I manipulated myself again and lost everything",Suicidal +14788,"As the title says , I am done , I have fought my battles , I have lost every single one , fighting a war all alone , surrounded by my own demons , unlovable , undeserving of life , a waste of space , oxygen , food and other resources , a leech deserving of only the most painful of deaths . I am glad my friends did not reignite contact after i distanced because i was only dragging them down. My only regret is not doing it sooner . I fell for the it gets better scam , not again though . I am sorry i could not do more ma' , i know i said I will protect you forever.I am sorry grandpa , i know we joked about you living the day to pin stars on my shoulder tabs , but the only thing you will pin is my nametag before closing the casket .I am sorry grandma for wasting your time , you taught me how to read and write before i even attended school , you taught me english , you taught me how to cook , clean and take care of myself , only for all that to be wasted , you deserved a better grandson , i apologize .Honestly I am not sorry dad , fuck you to be honest , you have hit mom so many times she is almost lost hearing in her left ear , but before i go I will take you down with me , for everyone you ever hurt , payback . I regret the night you started hitting mom , i regret not picking up my knife and ending you then and there , you would have deserved it.I am sorry to my headmaster , sorry madam , but although you spent many resources to save me you have done me more harm than good , just like everyone else who tried to help and understand me , i appreciate the effort , but this is the end for me. You and many others have told me one day ill find someone who understands me but you were all wrong , how can someone understand me when i cannot understand myself sometimes .I have completely lost trust and faith in everyone , I am not here for pity , the decision's been made for a long time but problems with the quarantine , unfinished business , loose ends i have to tie and not being able to go out past 2200 have put a halt to my plan to jump off a bridge , but now that the quarantine's been lifted i can get started on it again .On a slightly lighter note , I will try my best to make my last months enjoyable , and doing everything in my power to hurry the dying process in the meantime. Optimistically I will be dead by fall , if i still have unfinished business I will die by the end of the year",Suicidal +14789,"I am 16 years old, completely drug-ridden, and diagnosed with Major depressive disorder. I have rejected the diagnosis forever until today but I was just wondering how you all compete with others?I work at a busy restaurant as a prep cook, and its really hard to compete. Doing physical tasks is kind of hard sometimes, even with stimulants, so when I prep 4 containers, 2 tubs, and 3 boxes of shit it seems like nothing compared to thembecause it takes me double the time.I am only 16, so I am hoping someone older/wiser could help. Therapy/professional help is not an option due to insurance essentially forcing me to quit weed (technically my medication) to try anything other than Wellbutrin and effexor, so I do not feel like going through the torment tbh... I must integrate and move on; so how do you compete with others on a daily basis? At the end of my shift people are so energized compared to me. Its insane How do you compete?",Depression +14790,"for background, my dad commited suicide when i was 13, since then its just been me (16m) and my mum. she deals with her own anxiety and depression, I have been dealing with anxiety since i was a kid but finding secure support for either of us was just never possible so its been eating away for years. we made a promise when my dad died that we would stay and support eachother forever, despite this my anxiety got worse since he died and i developed a lot of security issues. i do not know if there is any official word for it but i just cannot trust the world, i have problems being around strangers, i cannot be left alone without someone trusted nearby, ill go into panic at the thought of my mum just going to the bathroom and leaving me for a few minutes. I have had this mindset since i was a kid, from where i do not know, but naturally it got worse when my dad left. this has caused a lot of problems between me and my mum, she wants to have a social life, a job, just freedom in general but because of me, she cannot. she had to quit her job at the end of 2019 because i could not cope with being alone for a few hours after school, she got a new job in 2020 but for most of lockdown i had to live with my grandmother and leave my mum at home because she was working a lot and i could not spend my time alone at school. she always has to drag me out with her on walks because i cannot be alone at home for 30 minutes, I am currently seeing a counseller and trying to be alone more often as practice but the pressure of trying to get better is to put it simply overwhelming. i feel selfish and guilty but i cannot seem to get over it.pressure in general is what i feel is the root of my sadness, i just know I am not going to get better and would rather just have never existed. just not having to feel anything and sleep forever had always been a dream. i read recently on these kind of thoughts and came across active and passive suicidal thoughts, i do not know how official these are but while i do not have any active thoughts at the moment, I am scared for the day that they do become active. it was not until i started reading about it that i realised I have been thinking like this for years, never wanting to have existed. i feel like my dad kind of took away my opportunity to die, and if it was not for him leaving my mum alone i would have had the chance to leave knowing my mum and dad would still have eachother to cope. but thinking of the side effects on my family has trapped me into not wanting to die but not wanting to live either. i just do not want to exist",Depression +14791,"If you are born into a shitty family or shitty country, its YOUR fucking responsibility to be happy and successful. If you make one mistake, it can fuck up your entire life and its YOUR fault. If you are unhappy, its because you are a lazy, useless, weak piece of shit. Look at all the suffering throughout history. Endless suffering has plagued human history. How the fuck does this not drive people insane? The fact that a person can suffer for so long, so intensely? I truly understand why people go insane now. Really, all it takes is one bad day, and your life can go downhill FAST. You know, I genuinely understand why people lose their minds now",Depression +14792,"it is pretty much set in stone that I am going to end my life myself and it seems like soon. I just have no idea when.And really that does not matter to me at all, I just wish that I could get out of it, but by whatever cosmic contract I signed to allow my soul entrance to this world through this body, I am GOING to end my life at some point. It scares me because I know I am going to but equally scares me that I do not know IF I am going to.But I WANT to end my life. it would be better for me for a lot of reasons.Better for life for a lot of reasons.I was not strong enough to live this life in this body and I have to pay for it. I am sorry everyone who knows me and sees this.I love you. Not sure when",Suicidal +14793,"The time I spend by myself, which is most of the time, I usually try to come up with a reason for it all. Spending the next 40 or so years of my life with each day on repeat, working, filling myself with food, unsatisfied, then repeat.I have been through a lot in my life. Spent quite a few years in the military, literally seen people die, just to be able to afford an education to try and better myself.I have never really had a successful relationship, so I have gotten pretty addicted to solitude, to the point where I hardly do anything anymore besides come home after work, lay in bed and let time pass till the next day.At one point I went to behavioral health in the military, and I was hazed and teased for it, so its branded in my head that talking to anyone about mental health is wrong.Why even put myself through this anymore. I truly do not understand the point. what is the point",Suicidal +14794,"I have been fighting back tears the last two days. I have no place, I do not think I will ever be loved by anyone. I think my spouse is preparing to leave me. he is started talking to me and behaving the way my ex's did when they started cheating. Its been 6 months since he is even acted like he wanted to have sex with me. I just feel so rejected an used. I do not know what the point is if all I am is human garbage to be used and disposed of when things do not work like you want. I have been terrified the last week I am going to be fired.I just feel like I am drowning. What Am I Fighting For?",Depression +14795,I tried to throw them up but basically nothings coming out I cannot get the pills up.,Suicidal +14796,I am supposed to start a job tomorrow and I just started quetiapine 25mg. The doctor said to split it. I am scared I will be out of it tomorrow. No matter how long I sleep quetiapine 12.5 mg still tired,Depression +14797,"I am just starting to really try and take care of myself better and I had a question, smothered are.times when I get really down for lack of a better term and feel like nothing will ever get better but then in like 5 or 10 minutes ill be fine, so my question is if this is some kind of of depressive disorder or something and what are some ways to deal with it. So I am kind of new to this whole mental care thing...",Depression +14798,"I have been wondering more often than not when was the last time I was happy? By all means, I should be happy. I have had good times with friends, yet when I analyze the times after, I do not ever feel that I was happy.I am at the point where I just feel burdened by other people as they attempt to lay claim to me in some odd selfish attempt to stop me from committing suicide. I do not get why their short-term pain weighs so much more than my long-term. Life is suffering and pain. There is no golden time, besides brief blips of time that things are okay. But everything ends up at the same baseline: shit. I fucking hate it all. I hate the burdens of life, I hate having others attempting to make me stay, and I hate that I still have not killed myself. When was the last time?",Suicidal +14799,"I apologise first and foremost, I feel like writing something and putting it out there makes me feel a little better, like I have shifted some of the weight from myself, but I realise it sounds like self pity so I am sorry. I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I was in love, and it was reciprocated. But it was not that that was important. It was the feeling that someone out with immediate family cared about me. Another random human being on this planet cared about me and what happens to me. I have never felt that before. It was undescribable. It was incredible. Then I woke up. I have been in a horrible mood all day waking up in the real world and realising the truth. I hope I feel that at some point in my life while I am awake. A Dream I Had Last Night",Depression +14800,We broke up already for a week awhile ago1 fucking weekAnd i was as depressed as i was when i was in fucking grieving Its been 16 minutesI need to throw up and i literally cannot see the point of living which i know is fucking dumb as fuck but i cannot do anything about it Things have been going dwn hill for about a month now just in general This is going to plummet me into a hole idk the depth of I need to prepare for this absolute fucking nightmare and i cannot figure out what to do Honestly right now all i can think of is substance abuse lmao (not really I am actually fucking crying my heart out)I am so terrified of how this is going to affect the next year of my life.I am so sorry to anyone fucking reading my whiney ass I was fucking barely coping beforeTheres no fucking point i can barely do anything for myself anymore. I have got to be the most useless fucking human on earthOne thing after the other another fucking blow every week its exhausting I am so so tired I do not know how I am going to live with myself for another 60 or so yearsI feel like i havnt slept for yearsDoes anyone else feel like they are just watching everything from a glass box I do not believe in myself anymore I do not like myself from the outside its all a shamEverything I have ever done has been a fucking joke Sorry id never make this if i was not at my last strawThe cammels back is breaking lolSorryIts been a long year A long longgg fucking lifeDont panic I am not going to do anything rash I am just tired and sad And i wish i was angry for myself For my sadness God i feel small THE FLOOD GATES HAVE OPENED,Depression +14801,"I know its because brains do not want us to die actually but I do. But I do not know what to listen to. I hate it here. It never gets better. Even if it does it gets shitty again. I know good things have happened but I can barely even remember them. And the pain hurts so much more than the good times feel. I hate this planet. I want to leave. I want to die, why will not I do it.",Suicidal +14802,"There are times where I find myself thinking of suicidal thoughts but then after a couple minutes I am fine again, my question is how do I deal with the times where I find myself with these thoughts? I just need some advice",Suicidal +14803,"I am so tired of trying to spread myself thin and make sure everyone is alright when I feel like inside I am fucking screaming for help myself!!!!! I just wish people would realise I need a break too and leave me the fuck alone!!!!!The folk i want to be around me leave me and the ones I do not want hang around like a bad smell bringing me further and further down and I just cannot bare this shit anymore. I just want someone to cuddle me and tell me shit is going to be alright, instead of push me away because I am no ones priority! Heart broken!!!",Depression +14804,I have finally decided on a date to kms. Its a little far out as its not until November. there is still some stuff I want to do before then and other plans that I have. I have to admit that I am actually quite relieved. Now I know for certain that my pain will not last long. I wish I could tell someone this. As fucked up as it is I just want someone to support me in my decision to die. Oh well. I have picked a date and I am sticking with it. I cannot wait for it to come. I have finally decided on a date,Suicidal +14805,"As an 19 Y/O with high functioning autism, life has always been tricky for me, but it was always alright I guess, had some friends, some relationships etc. But 3 years ago something weird happend, after a bad breakup and some shitty life events I have not been myself. All my emotions are numbed out, my mind is blank 24/7 and I cannot communicate normally anymore. I cannot handle life anymore like this.Next week I am starting treatment with antidepressants for the first time and if that is not going to make me feel better all my hope is lost. I do not enjoy life anymore like it is now. Letter to myself",Depression +14806,"I am a recent college graduate. Since March, when I graduated, I have been filling out applications left and right. I have been on interviews, had rejects, and organizations have just not replied at all. I was fine and just shrugged it off. Recently, I attended two interviews. One was for a job I honestly did not want and the other was for a job with the college I got my master's degree from. The one I did not want, I did not get because it would conflict with my family's schedule. Well, I heard back from the college job today and they rejected me. That has sent me into the worst spiral of depression that I have had in a while. For the past 4 hours all I can do is lay in bed and cry. I do not understand how I got rejected. I attended the college and graduated with honors. The position is in the field I got my degree from them with. All I hear in my mind is that I am unemployable. I got my degree for nothing. It was waste. I am better off not even using the degree and just working at Target or Taco Bell. I Was Ok Until I was not",Depression +14807,"About to have my second abortion in a yearCame out of a 5 year long abusive, narcissistic relationshipMy ex has now discarded me for better people Constant suicidal thoughtsNo career prospectsI do not respect myselfI do not have many friendsI'm too tired to make my life betterI'm begging God to take me away. Instead of relentlessly punishing me like this. I have been through the wringer",Suicidal +14808,"It does not matter how often I try to tell myself that Ill get through it, or how often I hear others say that it will get better. I know it will not. I know that better does not exist for me because I was never good. I was always like this and Ill stay like this for the rest of my life, no matter how hard I try and I am so tired of telling myself it will get better when I know its a lie. I do not want to work on myself anymore. I do not want to try. Antidepressants were my last hope, I was already sure I would not be able to get better by myself, but then I tried so many different antidepressants and none of them worked, they all made me feel worse. I do not want to try another medication. I do not want to go to therapy. I do not want to work for a future that I know I do not have. I know it will not get better as long as I am me, so why even try anymore. I destroy everything for myself anyways. I do not believe it will ever get better",Depression +14809,"I am a 24 year old female, I have been diagnosed with depression since 16 and been on multiple tablet, citalopram, escitalopram, setroline, propranolol and I am sick of the side effects. I sleep my life away, I can sleep for 14+ hours a day, I struggle to get out of bed, I have put on weight I cannot shift and my libido is none existent. I am currently fighting my hardest to get prescribed bupropion but I am in the UK and nobody is willing to listen to me. I feel like I am going to overthink myself to death. I give myself migraines everyday from constant thinking, I am highly controlled by the weather, if its a muggy rainy day I will not get out of bed. I am just sick of being like this, last time I came off my citalopram I had a mental breakdown so I know they are doing something just not enough and not in the right areas. Please help any opinion is welcomed Cry for help",Depression +14810,It says here in the rules that we cannot discuss suicide methods so i was wondering if any of you knew where can i discuss suicide methods (srry for bad english) Where can I discuss suicide methods?,Depression +14811,"Everytime i type it makes it worse ""Saying"" the words outloud makes me feel stupid Every time i type",Suicidal +14812,"So this is it, after disintegrating in indifference there is no point left. Why, just to be another problem that you would need to solve. I do not want to be solved, after all, why the fuck am I worth more than you, more than anyone else, so much so that I am worth all that trouble, I never was and never will be and that is okay with me, has been for a while. I know that you would say that I am enough, that I do not know how much it helps just being there, but not for me, it is never going to be enough, it never was and enough for me in anything I do.I am sorry, I am sorry that I wasted all that air for 20 fucking years that could be better spent, I am sorry I let all of you get to know me, you guys have clearly been through enough and do not deserve this, I hope all of you have someone to lean on, I am sorry I have not died sooner, I am sorry for all the times I said and did anything and for the times I did not.So this is it, Wednesday comes in 23 hours, that is what I was getting ready for, I wish I could tell you but you would just wonder if you could do more and you could not, so it is okay, I am glad I meet you, but I am sorry you had to meet me. I am sorry for everything",Suicidal +14813,"So this happened 2 weeks ago , before last week's final exams , which i passed btw , yipee Anyways , i did the big mistake and said the funny words again , silly me cannot learn from the first time , and i told both my headmaster and dad ""I am not fucking attending the exams cuz i do not plan to be alive by next week""and they both said ""then we are going to have to send you to the mental hospital again , they have to work on you more""work on me ? on god ? am i a fucking car , cuz if i am then I am a really fucking shit one .I do not want to go back there , I have lost countless nights of sleep replaying the moments that happened there in my head over and over again like a fucking broken record.I will blow my head wide open with a shotgun before i go to another fucking ""doctor"" it is not a trigger of mine , but i really fucking hate when it is brought up because everyone that brings it up jokes like ""haha we are glad you are so much better and not in that place again"" and i have to awkwardly laugh , they do not know , no one knowsIf i had a time machine I would go back to before i took the bait and I would tell me from back then to just off himself rather than step in that god forsaken office .Sorry if this does not fit here , if it is inappropriate please tell me so i can remove it. My Headmaster and parents said something and i just need a minute to vent",Depression +14814,"cannot even muster the energy to deliver my rant. Which is actually just a series of observations about the realities of living in modern society, feeling unfulfilled with the progression of life, and the brutal ways people treat each other in the name of profit. The same observations I have been making since I was twelve years old. But I guess I do not really need to do that here, we all know more or less exactly the way each of us feels about how life works, it is why we congregate in places like these. People think we are looking for advice, or sympathy, a shoulder to cry on. In some cases that is true but when we have reached the end of what we think we can endure and we are sitting in front of our screen holding a bottle of pills, or that length of rope we have been tying over and over to get just right (would not want it to fail when we need it most) We Know that noone has the words to give us to make it better. That magical set of words that will fit in a character limited text box, and will wipe away all the sorrows and pains of our lives. The miraculous advice given by a stranger that knows nothing of the specifics of our hardships, that will rejuvenate us and show us a new light that will guide us in life. NO. We came here for ourselves. Our last ditch effort, our last vestige of hope that by sharing our stories and our plans and our pains, we can gain the clarity and strength we need to keep struggling through these trials. Or that with the commiseration of those that see the world the way it truly is, we will finally find the courage to end them. I hope you discover, in the process of releasing yourself, the Will that you need to keep on fighting for your life. Until I find my own way to that decision, I am still here, Riding The Fence. -Apathetic Humans are scumbags.",Suicidal +14815,"I really need a distraction. I just need someone to talk to, to distract myself",Suicidal +14816,"I just,I cannot, I cannot even live with the girl I like wants someone else.I know everyone has lived with that, but this is the girl who when I saw her first time,i was like ""I like her"". I just want her and I cannot live without her, without seeing her face, her beautiful smile, everyone at her I like, I will just cry and going to sleep, please God kill me at my sleep I do not want to live, cannot live with that... I cannot live with that",Suicidal +14817,"Right now. Right now it is. It is me. There is no me. The me is merely an empty she will. It looks, it stares, it sees that there is nothing more awaiting. It knows, it is being used but it does not feel anything. It is a mannequin. A she will it does not need to live. There is a pulse, there is a knife.It looks him into his eyes. Who is he? It does not matter. He puts his hand around its neck. Single cold fingers press themselves into his sound. The neck is painted black, there is silence. The she will looks up pleased presenting its neck to the fullest. ""Please use me."", the she will whined; ""Destroy me, break me, dissolve me. I crave it."" Tears roll down his pale cheeks and cover themselves with the black as the grip gets tighter and tighter.Why cannot it fall asleep forever?Why does it have to witness its lifelessness? Pink neon lights",Suicidal +14818,"So, I am facing some time in prison.. like 8 years. I know I have my family behind my back but I have already mentioned a few times to my mother that if I have to go then Ill probably just end up killing myself and she was pretty neutral on it, even though I do know she cares about me. With the burden of worrying about me and having to put up extra money for my commissary, the travel time, & just everything else I feel like ending things would put everything to rest a little easier.. I know they will be sad and grieve but honestly, I know they will get passed it given a few years. I do not think I can physically or mentally survive prison for 8 years. Currently this is just a thought but as my court dates come closer, I am afraid I might actually be put into this situation. I guess I am just venting but I have never been more scared in my life. Facing Prison, thinking of ending it.",Suicidal +14819,"I need to disappear from people's lives, I have hurt them enough Please God let me die tonight, I beg you for mercy, I cannot go on anymore",Depression +14820,"Throwaway. Just need to vent.Male/25I have been trying to make music for a living for about ten years now, quit high school to pursue it. Parents not happy, that is putting it lightlyI have now accumulated around 35 million streams on my music, and I barley scrape by month by month. Its fucking hell. When I tell people what I do for a living, I want to die. I am so fuckin sad, lonely and scared.I have no friends left, because I work all the time trying to get this thing going. I have never had any romantic relationships, because of this. I feel like all my music fuckin blows.I have no other skills.I cannot fucking take it any longer, when is it ever enough? When am I enough? When will this pain stop? When will this end?Fuck Wanted to make music my career, but still feel like lm not enough.",Suicidal +14821,Edge of the suicide because of the financial. This person got to rob someone or somewhere. What would you suggest? There is a person.,Depression +14822,"Fucking ha. ""Just get treatment""",Suicidal +14823,"Just been depressed since my teens and it keeps getting worse. Nothing interests me at all. I have a good job but work has been so busy and I have been feeling so incompetent due to so many big errors I have been making. I only ever talk to my boyfriend and I do not want to burden my friends with my pain and just find it so hard to continue a genuine conversation. I would feel selfish to dump my feelings onto them since I barely have any energy to converse. I do not want to overwhelm or scare my bf either since he is also dealing with depression, so I am just holding this feeling to myself. I do not really have a close relationship with my family. Most days I just spend time alone in my room with my doggy. Sometimes I am just so socially withdrawn I do not even know how to speak/write. Just feeling so fake and forced to continue to work to pay for my rent. I just do not want live anymore",Suicidal +14824,"Hello everyone. I have watched a few youtube videos about depression, and according to them I am not depressed. I know that is right, because i actually get up in the morning, i have never had a suicidal tought, i can do my everyday life without particular problems, i do not have phisical symptoms and i only took like 2 kgs in one year. I have to make it clear that i do not feel depressed.So i have maybe 2 symptoms out of 10 and i know that is not depression. But still i feel sad all around my day, not the crying sadness, but more like a constant background sadness. I hang with friends and i feel good, but when i leave or they have to go i remain alone with my sad toughts. The reasons about that sadness are various, some missed opportunities, nostalgia about various things, a sentimental problem i had ecc...Like i said, nothing too overwhelming, but it is enough to not live a satisfaying life. I do not need to seek psichological help because i can get my mind in order, and i have not any kind of problem living my life. I know that for depressed people it is much worse and I am sorry for them. But for me that i have never been depressed that is the lowest point in my life. I find myself drinking everynight not to get blackout drunk, but just the right quantity of alcohol to numb this painful feeling of void and loneliness that otherwise i cannot shake off.My hope is that time and various situations that soon will drastically change can help me getting a fresh start.it is 1 am i should go to sleep.Goodnight everyone and sorry for any grammar error english is not my first language. Not really depressed, but still...",Depression +14825,I recently made a post here asking how to kill myself but someone told me they could not discuss it here. Does anybody know of somewhere that can answer my question? Where can I discuss suicide methods?,Suicidal +14826,"Context. 22F. Recently got out of a long-term, long-distance relationship. Got horny one night and went on one of those BDSM chatting websites. Started speaking to this guy. Had a great conversation. Decided to share a throwaway insta account. Started communicating about personal life. Found out we live a couple of miles apart. Met up for a date. Did nothing physical. I told him that I do not want a relationship. Decided to be friends. He knows almost everything about my life. I clearly told him that I do not want to be in a relationship. But he still kept pushing to the point of emotional manipulation. Eventually broke it off 2 weeks off, officially (no fighting, just firmly). Now, I feel bad and guilty about meeting someone on BDSM site and disgusted with myself. I do not know why I was ever okay with meeting someone on BDSM site. Idk, I hate myself and I feel disgusted that I do not want to live anymore. How am I ever look at any one in the eye ever? How am I ever going to be in another relationship and not admit that I did something so stupid? How did I convince myself that it was a good idea? Why was I so dumb to meet him? Why should I live? Why do I deserve to live?",Suicidal +14827,"I had a very traumatic relationship years ago that really destroyed with me. It was my very first relationship ever. I have never been the same since. I am struggling to do anything productive with my life and I miss being a musician and vocalist. I used to love to read and write. I used to be so excited about my future but I feel like every year it gets harder. I seriously started overeating after the entire relationship was revealed to be a sham 7 years ago. I have gained nearly 100 lbs and I feel trapped in my own body. Every time I think I am over this and try to make a good change in my life to move forward, I am reminded of something else that I am still hurt by and I feel like I am back to square one all over again.I am burnt out and sad and when I try to talk about how I used to feel when Id play music or sing, people just tell me to just do it. But that does not fix it. I do not want to just do it, I want to be that person I used to be.I do not even have a question here, I am just struggling. Id ask if there is an answer other than just do it but I do not think there is even though I desperately want there to be. My therapist has told me to look at the things I have accomplished despite it all but none of it makes me feel good. I am not the person I wanted to be. The person I was trying to be. And that version of me feels so far away and impossible to become any more. Tired of hearing just do it when I try to talk about how I miss doing the things I used to love",Depression +14828,"My friend seems to be very depressed and has slowly been pushing me away and now completely ignores me. We work together a few days a week and now she refuses to even look at me but talks to everyone else. Its hard to even be around her because I feel like she hates me and it makes me feel like I am weird or not likable but I just know she is going through a lot. I have tried reaching out to her, telling her I am there for her but she ignores me. I am just wondering if someone has treated a friend like this before and what its like from her perspective because its driving me insane. Depressed friend ignores me",Depression +14829,"After a year I can finally go and get back with SO in Germany. I felt absolutely nothing, I thought I would be ecstatic. Now I just have this feeling of impending doom and do not know how to make it stop and I have no idea why. I have tried everything I have talked to my therapist about. I hate this feeling and it only makes me feel worse to think about why I do not feel anything good about going there. I hate this I finally get to go to my SO and I feel nothing.",Depression +14830,Every day at some point I have a weird moment where I feel like I am going through the motions and i feel like my life is going faster than I can control it. It feels as though events are happening and I do not have the means to control any of it. I feel as though it is flashing before me and all I can do is watch helplessly. For a long time now I have struggled with finding pleasure in a lot of things. All of the things that used to make me happy seem to have fizzled out. Trying new hobbies seems too much of an effort and daunting task. Most of them that I research I do not have much of an interest in nor the mental capacity to try them. I have finished college. Have my dream truck. Make great money. Have a nice house. Have pets. Have a long term relationship. No material things are placed on a pedestal...I just do not seem to have much satisfaction in my achievements or activities. I am so emotionally exhausted after work that its very tough to dig myself out of this place. Prescribed Medicine seems to dull it temporarily and I only have 1 friend who somewhat understands how I feel. do not know where to start. do not know what to do. Its been like this so long I have burnt myself out thinking about it. The only thing that gets rid of it is constantly staying busy or sleep...sometimes...Any advice on those who have also experienced this and came out of it would be appreciated. Stuck in the fog,Depression +14831,there is no point anymore sorry guys Goodbye,Suicidal +14832,"To keep it short, last year in summer I graduated from my education. The time in school was easy to say pretty hectic, considering that I was suffering from massive headaches, anxiety and concentration problems. This could be reflected on my results in school, people would say that I was a lazy student and should work harder. I was very stressed out and, as opposed to the other students, I chose to spend my time differently after getting my diploma.This was a decision that I made in consultation with my parents. They took it very seriously and were very supportive and so I visited the doctor who figured I should see a neurologist. After a few appointments and a multidisciplinary research, they found out I was suffering from chronic migraine. At this point in time I was very happy to conclude that I was not crazy or anything, there was a serious reason to all of this pain I was suffering from for all these years.All of this time I spent most of my time in bed and playing videogames, because there was not really that much else I could do without overexerting my body. Playing videogames was like a nobrainer and it gave me the sensation of escaping from reality.Some more appointments followed up and I finally got a medication prescribed which could help me with the migraines. It was still not enough to get rid of the daily headaches so they gave me another medication called Candesartan... and luckily again, this reduced the pain by a big amount, but also the frequency of the migraine. I was feeling so much better now, but yet I was feeling that there was missing something.I was still very tired and bad at concentrating. Here is where I started to see a psychologist which referred me to a psychiatrist. This is where I get diagnosed with ADD, as of now I am still in the midst of getting medication for the ADD.Now the problem is, with all of these appointments a lot of time has passed. it is been a year now since the start of the sabbatical and I am still at home. I realise that I get a lot less joy from doing activities, but yet I know that this is temporary which makes me fight through this dark period for hopefully once and for all.In the beginning I did nothing else other than spending my free-time playing videogames when the migraine was very bad, but that was also partly because I was trying to avoid thinking about my area of expertise since I had a lot of anxiety of failure during my education and it gave me stress which I had never experienced before.Finally since a month or two ago, I finally started working again on hobby projects and realised that all of my knowledge had not left me behind. I was starting to feel more and more confident and until now I am developing a good portfolio for when I want a job. I am making a lot of progression on building websites and feel very confident, especially because my friends compliment me for my work.BUT please, this depressing feeling, please be temporary. I just really hope this is something that occurs when unemployed for some time. A friend of mine told me that this sure is the reason. Right in this moment I am on vacation with my family, but I feel like I cannot enjoy it to the fullest. Taking time off (a sabatical) to work on my problems made me indirectly pretty depressed",Depression +14833,"Specifically I am scared that something is wrong with me. Just today I thought about killing myself and I made a plan that I would write a note so my mum would not feel like its her fault. Then I remembered that I do not even want to kill myself. I want to live, I think. Before corona I never cared that I do not like going out with people. I enjoyed being by myself, but right before corona hit I went out more. Then almost 2 years of never going out with people and I think I made 10 steps backward. I am so socially awkward again and I am scared to talk to anyone. I do not know if this even has anything to do with depression, but who knows.. maybe someone has an idea. I go running every day. Half an hour. I have a dog, parents that love me, I talk to people every day to play games, I have a job and I am currently studying geology, which I actually like. I am pretty fit too. Yet I feel so fucking empty. I am scared.",Depression +14834,might just fuck around and fast track this shit and hope that the next life is better than this one. reincarnation? a thing?,Suicidal +14835,"In my country we are still under lockdown. We are stuck at home and maybe some people still go out to get groceries or to pack food but nothing much happens anymore. I am on a break before uni now and every day i am basically free. I should be so happy that i have a few months of completely no responsibility or so it seems. However i feel so utterly horrible sometimes and today is one of those times. I am crying as I am typing this and i just feel so bad about myself. I have not even picked a course for uni and I just have no idea what to pick, I cannot pinpoint my interests and I have no true passion and at this point I am just such a hassle and an annoyance to my family because I cannot get myself together. Maybe I should just pick a course and go with it regardless of my interests? At least that way I make a choice. I hate myself too and ever so often I get reminded about it when I look in the mirror closely. I feel useless and I have no talents and I am not good at anything and I feel like nobody really truly needs me here. I sound like I want to be the centre of the universe but no I just cannot help feeling this way, like nobody wants me. I wrote down in a book a list of things to do but i can barely get myself to cross one thing off that list. Its just so hard to do anything other than binge watch shows and play games. I know many are not coping well in the pandemic but I do not think my friends have gotten to a point as low as I have. In the day when my familys awake I look fine and dandy but when the clock strikes midnight and everyone goes to bed I am alone with my feelings and thoughts and that is when the demons come out. Feeling so very bad about my life again",Depression +14836,"Made the mistake of not dying. Would have made everyone happier had I just died do not mind me, just a pathetic idiot no one cares about",Depression +14837,"I want to leavr some of my thimgs and lwtter to friends and famoly.. I do not want to lreave them on the dark, mainly leave my jewlry to mom and sis and give book amd mangas to my bro and bff and other friends. I dunno maybe clothes for sis and an apology letter fot everyonePleasr domt send me chat i domt want. I want to know that So, I ned ideas of hoe write letters",Suicidal +14838,"I lay in bed for hours to the point of back pain. I get up for work 30 minutes before I have to clock in. I have no motivation to do anything on my days off, I literally stare at my computer screen, and have to force myself to do something. The bare minimum. More and more I find myself wanting to end it. Would that be so bad? I ask myself. I am lonely, always broke, hopeless and disgusting looking, and half blind. I know nobody could ever actually want me. I have a decent paying job but am always playing catch up financially.In the end I resolve not to kill myself, though I do not want to continue living. I would not be upset if something killed me. No I think Id be grateful. I am always tired.",Depression +14839,"Even just an attempt, to show that I am willing to go to the edge. Otherwise I am just a pussy incapable of killing themselves who seeks help because they are weak. Is it logical? No, not really. But I also want to show that my self hatred is real, not a joke or something casual. I do not know. I guess I am so surrounded by mentally ill people who HAVE attempted that I feel the need to join them in order to feel validated. Besides, I HAVE wanted to die for years now, with passive suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts being extremely common in my day to day life. But now I realize that its an actual option, and I cannot finish the job.Its a weird cognitive dissonance. People who seek help before attempting are strong, but I never will be. And, honestly, I crave hurting myself so often now that its started to affect my relationships because all I want to do is destroy everything around me. I cannot seek therapy or help until I commit suicide.",Suicidal +14840,"I cannot do that shit here.My body is too fucking weak for all that shit what happen on earth.This earth is fucking sick, everyone is forcing you to do shit that you do not want to actually do and the system is an asshole which is only out for the fucking money from their countries.Everything is fucking sick and I hate it here and in general my fucking life. Almost everybody makes me sick and somehow drains me to off myself. I tried many times to off myself and I cannot deal with that fucking shit here and the older force the younger to do their shit. Then they wonder y we do not want to fucking live on this miserable planet which also is falling downhill. I have liven through enough shit which even sometimes still follow me in my dreams which causes that I cannot really sleep. I cannot do that shit here. Sometimes I am happy that I did not completed it, bc of some family members and so on but I feel that my soul and my body is eaten inside more and more everyday. It somehow hurts when my mom ask if I am not ok and I answer I am ok, bc I do not want to let her worry and I am too scared to tell her it. And I fell like I do not have really appetite. I eat everyday less, but when I fell sometimes ok then more. I cannot really anymore, my body feels fucking weak to do anything and I do not want to grow up. Uk when we were little and said we want to grow up but then actually the reality hits you hard.When we were little we have not seen what the world actually is. Its a fucked up place. Everybody that knows me thinks that I am ok but actually I hate myself since I am little and even then back then I tried to kill myself. My thoughts",Suicidal +14841,"I want to claw my eyes out and tear my jaw off from the frustration.I cannot even put into words how painful it is Being suicidal while knowing you cannot kill yourself because of your loved ones is actual hell, and it is UNBEARABLE",Depression +14842,"I am sick and tired of trying to help my mother with emotional breadcrumbs. She swears up and down that ""you can talk to me about anything"" and ""if I have hurt you, you have to let me know"" but every single time I am honest about my emotional state, she gets angry and makes it about me feeling sorry for myself and not wanting to be happy. She calls me a bitch. She says she has a son, not a daughter. it is a big deal too because it took her 23 years to build that kind of trust in me and she rewards it with punishment. So it is gone. She, the self-titled ""person who I can trust most in this world"" will be allowed no more access to the most honest side of me. If I finally fucking kill myself rotting in her basement because she does not want me to get a job like a regular person and move away from her, that is going to be her thing to work through when I am gone. And she will have those memories of times she could have helped me.Fuck I love this woman more than words can explain but it is so painful being her child. I am done opening up.",Suicidal +14843,"i always feel like my family and my friends hate me. i do not know how to get over this. i am in such a bad place mentally and i take any little sign as meaning that they are going to leave me. i finally am making new friends and i feel like i am going to fuck it all up bc of my mental health and the fact that i cannot believe that i deserve good things. i do not have therapy for a few more days and i just am in such a bad place. i cannot function, i feel like everyone hates me.",Depression +14844,"hi! i have a lot of data related questions. r/discordapp will not let me post this, but i plan to kill myself if i do not get this solved.i requested a discord data package today, i know it takes 30 days for it to get to my email. when i do get it, is it in any way possible to delete some of the stuff in the data package, ahen i get it? like dms and stuff i wrote in certain servers? will stuff that i delete RIGHT NOW be in that data package? i wish that i could delete stuff right now and then request a new data package, but you can only request once a month :/ if i disable my account and then unlock, will i be able to request again? do not suggest for me to delete my account. its not an option very important discord related",Suicidal +14845,"A suicide prevention study at the University of Utah is seeking participants between the ages of 18 & 50. Your input will help us understand therapy interventions and their effect on suicidal thoughts. Eligible participants will be: 1) assessed online (for about 1.5 hour long), 2) receive an online intervention session (with a trained therapist via Zoom set up about an hour-long), 3) complete a two-week text-based assessment before and after intervention (about 6 minutes/day), and 4) a 1-month follow-up assessment (about an hour-long). If you complete all the study procedures, you receive a total of $82 in electronic gift cards. To know more about the study or to see if you are eligible, you can take the survey [here]( or contact us at [schedule.prevent@gmail.com](mailto:schedule.prevent@gmail.com).REQUIRED IRB DISCLAIMER:The information posted on this site is consistent with the research reviewed and approved by the University of Utah Institutional Review Board (IRB). However, the IRB has not reviewed all material posted on this site. Contact the IRB if you have questions regarding your rights as a research participant. Also contact the IRB if you have questions, complaints, or concerns which you do not feel you can discuss with the investigator. The University of Utah IRB may be reached by phone at (801) 581-3655 or by e-mail at [irb@hsc.utah.edu](mailto:irb@hsc.utah.edu). Suicide Prevention Research Eligibility Survey (18-50 years old)",Suicidal +14846,"I am 23yo male. I never had a girlfriend. Girls never saw me as a man. They never thought about me as potential boyfriend. I was never good enough for them. I always lacked something. I never had ""this thing"". I am so fucking done with it. I hate that sociaty came to this. Social norms, matriarchy combained with era of tinder made it impossible to guys below average to have happy life. I fucking hate women for what they did to me. They always rejected me or friendzoned me. I am so full of it. I am done. I cannot take it anymore. I hate this world. All i can do is get drunk like I am rn. I do not want to live like this. All i know from girls is rejection or ""friendship"" fuck them. Fuck ""you are cool guy? fuck ""you will find someone"" fuck ""I want to still be friends and only friends"". Women are so fucking privilaged.I want to kill myself so bad. It will never be better. It will never be fucking any better. I will never make up for lost years, expiriences and things i lost. I do not want to feel like piece of shit anymore. I hate this world.And i was not born hating women. I only stared doing this after i realised they hate me so we are even here. I am done. I do not want to live. I just want to die peacefuly",Suicidal +14847,I have tried to hang myself in the past and fell unconscious and woke up convulsing with my arms violently going back in forth because the noose slid. I 100 percent should be dead right now. I feel as though I am slightly traumatized by it. The only thing keeping me from jumping is the possibility of surviving it. Without trying I have access to 4 story jump. I am just paranoid of surviving it... Hanging vs. jumping,Suicidal +14848,I really need help on this. How do I cope with suicidal thoughts?,Depression +14849,"Believe me I know this is the least of everyone is worries right now compared to real problems. This is just mainly for everyone saying they cannot really enjoy video games anymore.If you are feeling depressed about not having fun with / enjoying video games as much as you used to, try not to think about the now. Try to remember WHY you enjoyed and/or fell in love with them. Is it because of how pretty or cool they can look? Is it because of the immersive / compelling storytelling? Is it because of having attachments to certain characters? Is it because they inspire you due to certain morals (again storytelling)? Is it because they do actually teach you some things, including skills you do not even think about? Or is it because they are just flat out fun?Or maybe if you are like me, it is all of the above + they make you feel like you are escaping from life in a sense. Like you are being immersed in a different world that you enjoy more than the one you have. Admittedly that is not always a good thing, because it can distract you from things you need to do if you are not careful. Or you might get TOO immersed into it that you feel a disconnect from reality. Believe me I have felt that plenty of times.Anyways the point is it is alright to get immersed into games or any other form of media really because you like it better than your current life. And maybe life is really hectic or joyless for you that it is hard to remember those fun feelings. Of course it works better for some games then others but hey. Just remember that that is just one reason to keep existing and enjoy video games in general :) For anyone not getting enjoyment from video games anymore",Depression +14850,"Like, I keep getting angry with myself over minor things. I have been working on my social skills but had a slip-up online recently and made a bad impression. I bragged when I should not have bragged and went on and on about myself and I feel like I am not a worthy human being.I am mad at myself so much and I know its not healthy. I wish I could take back what I said but I cannot because the words are out there.I get mad at myself over minor things and I feel like I am a worthless pile of shit even tho I know I am not. How should I cope with that? I always get mad at myself",Depression +14851,"I know this question might sound odd but when does therapy usually start helping? I have been in therapy for over a year now and I am with my second therapist already. I started therapy because I did not feel well most of the time, I could not concentrate and I barely ate anything. I got diagnosed with depression after a month maybe and I got some medication too, but since then I did not gain anything from therapy.The medication seems to help a bit because I am having less terrible nights, but at the same time therapy does not seem to help.I go there, talk about my last week and we start trying to figure out where my bad moods came from, but we never find out and at this point I am questening therapy, eventhough every doctor told me that therapy is the most important thing.Of course I will continue therapy but it is starting to feel more like a burden to get out of my house and get on the bus for 30mins only to have the same meaningless conversation every week.My mother is worried because I still barely eat and I have been underweight for a while, but I just want to feel better. I want to get rid of all these negative thoughts and find something that is worth living for.I just want my life to be less painful... When does therapy usually start helping? I am not sure if it is even worth going there anymore...",Depression +14852,"I do not know where to write, so I am writing here, cannot text a friend, my anxiety is too bad right now. Been on cycles of deep depression followed by feeling normal again and forgetting it ever happened for a couple years now, you know you do not appreciate what you have until its gone and whatever.Shit gets really dark, what hurts the most is not knowing exactly why I am depressed.Been convinced since 16 that I am going to die by my own hand, I do not want to die but I know I will by suicide.Only one person knows I deal with this, pretending to be happy is becoming too exhausting, but if I act genuine ill lose my friends. Part of me wants to see the future, part of me really does not give a fuck if I die tomorrow. Been opening up to the idea of seeing a therapist, always avoided it but if this hole gets any deeper I am not making it out. I need to tell someone but the thought of it is too overwhelming, I cannot even imagine it without breaking down. I do not know where the fuck to go from here, nothing means anything so there is no point even trying. The hole just gets deeper and deeper",Depression +14853,I remember reading a true crime story about this suicidal woman who contacted a guy on the dark web who had always wanted to kill someone. I cannot get it out of my head... A mutually beneficial arrangement,Suicidal +14854,Hello. I have recently been given the news that a close friend of mine has taken their own life.I have been crying ever since and cannot get over the feeling of guilt that maybe I could have helped more.I would always check in on this person. Make them hand made gifts to celebrate achievements in their favourite video game. And I always sent them spontaneous messages that I loved them and that I was free to hang out any time. We were 27 and have been friends since we were 6.Can someone please help me deal with this. Please help make sense of this. I loved him so much. My close friend is no longer with us.,Suicidal +14855,"So for starters I am a 29 year old guy. I have anxiety, depression, ADD and PTSD. I take medication. 150 MG zoloft, 27 MG Concerta, 10 MG hydroxide or something. About 6 months ago my now ex girlfriend broke up with me. It was not easy to handle but I did my best to try and deal with it. We do not talk anymore and last few times we did it was not so much as talking as me getting told I am a piece of shit and trash etc.. So then in April my dad passed away from multiple cancers. We were told in March that he had 3 to 12 months to live so it was sort of expected. He had stage 2 double lung cancer and stage 4 pancreatic cancer along with other health issues. Like I said I am 29. I only started talking to my father when I turned 19 or 20. I was kind of kept from him from my mother. Non the less back to the story. We talked every now and again for those 9 or 10 years. Got to know him pretty well and he was awesome. I am happy I got to know him before he left. I was in a very low place at this time and was looking for anything to feel better or even different from how I was feeling. So I found some street drugs(which I am usually 100% not with!) Well my ex kind of got me in it. Anyways I was dabbling in percocet and meth. Only a few times. I did not like the way I felt. It made me feel great for about 5 minutes but then I was just as bad emotionally as I was at the start if not worse because I was now passed at myself for doing drugs.. I used to drink and quit due to stupid decisions I make while drinking and I have not drank besides maybe a beer or two for about 7 years. So on may 4th I had my final conversation with my ex and it was not good. I started drinking because that is the only thing I could think of doing that I knew was not to terrible but would change my emotions in some way shape or form. Well I ended up getting black out drunk. I am not sure how much I ended up drinking but I had atleast a 6 pack of 16oz cans. Then went to a bar and spent something around $80 there. I was blacked out. I do not remember much. I had somewhere in this evening taken every single pill I had for medication. Full prescriptions. So I was drunk, I was on Concerta (basically adderall), I was on anti depressants and I was on a bunch on anxiety mens. As I said I do not remember much. I do remember however sitting somewhere in the woods and somehow my sister was there and there were police all over. Next thing I know or atheist can remember I was tackled by about 5 police officers and was about 20ft from where I just was. I was taken to the hospital and had my stomach pumped and was given a bunch of fluids and medication to calm me down. Then an officer came in and was questioning me about stuff. I did not know how to answer most of the questions but in all these questions I found out I hung myself and so I felt my neck and yupp. Big imprint from a rope or something. My sister told me then had to cut me down.. I was in the mental hospital for 3 weeks. I am home now and do weekly therapy and a monthly session with another doctor. Idk not much seems different. I am not saying I am going to try again or anything but I am saying like what if I had not been stopped? Idk. Life feels weird now. Idk how to explain. Idk if I am asking for advice or if I just needed to get this out there. I still feel depressed and sad and lonely and I feel like I am a piece of shit sometimes.. idk. A long read but give me your thoughts please",Depression +14856,"My brother [M24] is getting married and every day him and my parents argue aggressively over money. He keeps saying how other peoples parents pay towards their kids weddings. X, Y, and Zs parents paid it all, but you guys have not paid shit, I payed it all out of my pocket. It always ends with crying and violent arguing (because they actually have paid thousands towards it and done so much to support the wedding). My dad [M50] always tell me me and my brother we are not shit because we will not just give him money. He regularly gets angry and goes on an hour long rant and tells me that I raised you, paid for your food and toys and you do not repay me with shit. Just for the record, I work at a grocery store earning 9.11 an hour and just graduated college (which was free because I live in Scotland). Also, I gave my dad 4,500 years ago for an investment which I never asked for back and do not plan on it. My mum is really religious and cultural. she is an Indian Muslim. She regularly tells me she wants me to marry a Muslim girl, she wants me to have grandkids, and she wants to live with me and my family in the future. This is a normal traditional setup in our culture, but I am not Muslim (have not told anyone) nor am I cultural, nor am I ready for marriage and kids. Note: Its extremely taboo in my culture to walk away from your family. I really want to do this and hopefully I will have the confidence and means to do it one day, but I know its going to because a family meltdown, and it fills me with dread and anxiety. Everyone in my family is so entitled.",Depression +14857,"like honestly,i do not want no one in my commesnt like ""you can talk to me"" no,that will not kill me i want real awnsers anyone know painless ways to die?",Suicidal +14858,"M 28 here. Grew up in a 3rd world shitty country where no one gives a damn about mental health. do not have much friends, troubled childhood.I often think about doing it. Call it out of curiosity or out of existential crisis (it could be both). We do not have control over our birth, but atleast I can have control over my death. I just want to have a expiration date. I even thought of doing it on one of my birthday. Currently In a healthy relationship, a decent job, but it feels suffocating. Feels like the walls are closing in day by day. cannot seem to identify the reason. Things are slowly going downhill",Suicidal +14859,"I am paralyzed I am scared to live, but I am scared to die And if life is pain then I buried mine A long time ago, but it is still alive And it is takin' over me, where am I? I want to feel something, I am numb inside But I do not feel nothing, I wonder why? I am in the race of life and time passed by Look, I sit back and I watch it Hands in my pockets Waves come crashin' over me, but I just watch them I just watch them I am underwater but I feel like I am on top of it I am at the bottom but I do not know what the problem is I am in a box, but I am the one that locked me in (I am Paralyzed) Suffocatin' and I am runnin' out of oxygen, ah! NF - Paralyzed. I am paralyzed",Depression +14860,"I just want it to be quick, easy and painless. If this does not work I am mixing bleach and ammonium. Can I die by running my car and inhaling the exhaust?",Suicidal +14861,"I really do. I work in a large successful corporation. I have recently transferred to a better position in hope to feel better, but nothing has changed in my soul. Nice pay, insurance, all the classic benefits. 9 to 5 job, weekends off. And I hate it. I hate being there, I hate learning stuff that does not interest me at all, I hate getting up every morning knowing that more than half of my day will be spent in vain just so I could pay my bills and rent. I hate that my life goes in vain like this and years pass so fast. I hate that my job kills every living cell inside my body so I do not have the energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. I hate corporations and fucking office jobs. I hate that I do not see any way out no matter how hard I try. I hate that I do not even want to work anything else. I feel like I am not the person made to work and it kills me because I know that is wrong. I am trully unhappy and depressed by the point I use a lot of physical and emotional energy to run a simple conversation. I am not interested in my college's day, or life, or opinion in general. I did not choose those people to hang with, they are just there and I have to maintain a positive working environment and I hate it. I do not know what to do or how to escape this kind of living, and even If I did know I would have the energy for it. I hate my life. I hate working.",Depression +14862,I got put onto antidepressant (Zoloft/Sertraline) and in a couple days I could quickly see my sex drive diminish quickly. I can still keep an erection but it takes longer to finish. Anyone else have the same experience? I want to ease my mind on this. Antidepressants and sex drive,Depression +14863,It will always be a good option Its just easier to kill myself,Suicidal +14864,"I have attempted suicide 3x, 2x in the last 5yrs. I finally went back to school and finished my college degree. I am in a field that I love.But I feel out of place. I come from a poor background with a lot of family demons. I am a child sex/physical abuse survivor. I listen to people's problems every day and lack empathy for them. I find it hard to stand up for myself in my profession because I feel like I will be judged for where I come from. Everything has been an uphill climb my whole life. I finished my first year teaching (during the pandemic) and everyone was helpful and encouraging. I do not know if I will be able to put in as much work this year, especially with all the responsibilities that seem to be piling up. I am getting married in October. I love my fiance and would never want to hurt her. But I feel I am going to hurt her more if we get married and I quit life early. We want a family, but with the long history of abuse in my family, I am scared.I am just so tired. I long for the endless sleep and whatever comes after. I am tired and no one understands what that means...",Suicidal +14865,"Some of the earliest thoughts I remember were of how I hated the voice in my head. When I was young all I ever wanted to be was older and I learned to hate and look down on all kids, including myself. Just about every facet of life that I could not control as well as some that I could- I loathed myself for. I have always been too introspective for my own good, and as I got older my self-loathing only festered and grew. I was extremely outgoing and focused on making myself a target to be laughed at for popularity, which I despised myself for needing the attention. In order to compensate for the overwhelming guilt I constantly caused myself, as soon as I hit the age for dating - I never stopped and throughout my school days hopped in and out of doomed relationships in order to distract myself from myself. I would always put my girlfriend on a pedestal and give her anything and everything they would want... until eventually I lost feelings and became numb to them and myself for a while before moving on to a new distraction. With each failed relationships added a host of new reasons to hate myself for. My last two years of high school is when I developed depression and I ended up getting ostracized from my friend group. When my depression started I became immediately and increasingly self destructive until eventually I decided that I wanted to force my personality to change completely. Through much self-deprecation I stopped being the funny and loud extrovert and became silent and pushed everyone away. During this time of isolation my mental health plummeted and over a long term unhealthy relationship I finally became totally emotionally numb. At this point I feel dissociated and the only way I can get my brain to feel something is by smoking, doing drugs, starving myself, cutting, or masturbating and anytime I attempt to quit any of the coping mechanisms I just end up doing the others a dangerous amount more.I feel stuck. I have no will to get better. I cannot muster the desire to do anything positive for myself because of my self loathing. At this point I think I am incapable of loving myself. And because of it I ruin every relationship I have. I am the ghost of my family, the pity of my acquaintances, and I just lost the only person who I thought really understood me.I genuinely feel at the end of my rope and I hate myself for being too scared to let go. i will never find true fulfillment in life because i am incapable of loving myself",Depression +14866,"I hate the fact that at any moment I could feel horrific pain just by chance, that any sentient living being has the potential to experience unimaginable pain and suffering, for no other reason than evolution.I absolutely despise the fact that we try to find purpose when the universe is so blatantly indifferent to us, and that we are able to comprehend this irony. Like the added punishment of comprehending our existence is the knowledge that we can do nothing about it.Whether you turn to a philosophy to help you accept the world as it is, that is entirely pre determined. If you lived my life with my mind and my experiences, you would come to the exact same conclusion, and if I lived your life, I would be the exact person you are now. Everyone is the subject of circumstance.My ultimate fear is that after I die, I will wake again in another life. I came from nothing once, it is entirely possible it could happen again. That is horrifying. I have so much hate",Depression +14867,"I wake up and I see myself in the mirror everyday and I hate myself. Everyday I think to myself I hate this face the most and somehow I hate it even more the next day.People say inner beauty is what matters but what really matters is OUTSIDE. Everyone will leave you no matter how hard you try to hold on to them no matter if you dedicated ur whole life just to see them happy, they will leave. And here you are, trapped without anyway outside, set to suffer for an eternity with dreams and reality haunting you everysingle day. I wish I could go back, not to experience anything again but to kill me before I was ever born and do everyone a favour :)",Suicidal +14868,I cannot stand this anymore. No one gives a shit about me. I am invisible to even those closest to me. I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +14869,"I do not know how to even talk about this but it is fucked up. I have been depressed for years, but when my sister died last month things have got ten times worse. to top it off, she was cremated, and she was nine. Fucking NINE.I still feel like a bitch for being angry at it. I had to delete my last account after i got bullied because I posted about my frustration on a grief support sub. it is not fucking fair. I had people tell me to grow up, calling me a sensitive bitch, swearing at me and villainising me because I am pissed off a nine year old girl was burnt to ashes. Can I not just be angry at that!?And I do not care that the morticians are kind. I do not care that the bitch who did her cremation sent me a tacky memorial gift and a necklace with her fucking powdered bones in it that I did not ask for anyway. I know all the goddamn machines my sister was put through, and I got her back in a fucking plastic bag, and now I am sitting here, drunk off my ass, holding my sister's ugly ass urn and crying. I do not want to hear from the cunt that turned her into this that she wanted to help me.Then there is my mum too, saying she had my sister burnt so I could have her ashes to help me cope? And the morticians talking about wanting to comfort me!? And get this, the bitch who did it is a self proclaimed""grief counselor"" and Is coming over on Thursday to help me with my loss when she made it ten times worse. Can I not just be angry about this without being told I am projecting. I do not care that nobody wants to cremate a kid and that it is hard to do, but if you do that you deserve to feel like shit. Let me be angry. Stop defending the people who are in my eyes monsters and just let me grieve. Let me hate these people. And the woman who did her cremation, Heidi, fuck her. And fuck her constantly saying my sister's ""with God"" and constantly thinking this is comforting when I was the one who was abused by a priest. I cannot even hate religion without being told I am wrong. Just let me be angry.",Depression +14870,"And to do it right. I know that if I failed, I would end up in the hospital, physically and mentally worse. Everyone would think I am some freak. I would not be trusted with anything and I would be given a huge hospital bill. Nothing would be done to help me. Every method, aside from a gun, could end up failing or making me suffer for a long time before dying.I really hope I run into a mugger who just shoots me for my money. I feel trapped. I wish I had the strength to kill myself",Suicidal +14871,"I had not had a suicidal thought in 6 years. I thought I had finally moved past my demons and found a way to be happy. Last night I loaded a gun and thought about it. Today I gave all my ammunition to a coworker for safe keeping. I gave my guns to my brother. They are separated by miles. And yet I still do not feel safe. I am so defeated right now. I was doing okay. I was okay. Now I am not. The worst part is, there was no triggering event. At least that I can think of. Its been 6 years... until lasted night",Depression +14872,"I have not killed myself because I am a huge pussy. So I am just in a position of not knowing because I do not want to live, but because I am so useless at dying I am forced to live I do not know what I am doing with my life right now",Suicidal +14873,"Life is generally boring, its literally the same cycle everyday. I might starve myself to death soon.",Depression +14874,I recently found out that people with adhd have a dopamine deficiency and it causes them to chase things that give them dopamine I thought I was just severely depressed with nothing helping but I am pretty sure I just have a dopamine deficiency because when I do get dopamine thru dangerous behaviors its the best thing but its always somthing super dangerous that is gives me dopamine I do not get it from things most people do anymore idk but I feel a little better knowing that but I am still stuck feeling like shit with nothing to do about it my insurance is going to expire and I cannot afford therapy or pills or any of that stuff I can barley afford to pay rent idk I also have bpd so my life expectancy is 27 most of us off our selfs and I am starting to see why its becoming more and more difficult to find reasons to keep trying. Its just the same shit everyday and why? Why is it so hard for me to do anything but other people have no cares and just do whatever I want to be like that I want to not care I want to feel alive but I do not! I feel hollow/empty and I have tried everything to help but my mind just does not want to be here anymore sometimes I think about running into the woods and just succumbing to nature. I know it sounds stupid but some people just are not made to be here long and I feel as though I am one of them Adhd,Suicidal +14875,If you kill yourself you will make family/friends/SO sad!I am sorry but I spent my whole life trying to make others happy. Making myself happy and restful May finally be dying. Live for others basically,Suicidal +14876,"I have felt worthless for years now because I cannot get things that everyone else do, no matter how hard I try I just cannot and it got worse almost 4 months ago when I was fired from my job, I have been trying to get a new one since then and I just keep getting rejected, no matter how much experience or knowledge I have they just never call back and today I was even told they were looking for better workers, I really do not know what else can I do and it makes me feel so angry with myself because I cannot get things as basic as a job, I feel like a waste of space. I am one step away from total depression",Depression +14877,"I have an exam In few hours now and I had good enough time for preparation but I do not know, I feel like everything I have studied and memorised is not gone. I cannot seem to calm myself down. I have wasted my university years by already failing in this subject around 5-6 times. My parents arranged a private tutor for me this time but due to the Covid I had to stop the classes and now just before 2 days of exam the tutor came to give me classes and he kept on mentioning how I could have studied well If You had not taken a break for a month. I know it was a very bad decision but I was helpless and I do not know what to do now. I need to pass this time and I am unable to think of coordinate properly. Everything feels stumbled. I had to make myself not think about how I should knowingly fail and that would give me a reason to kill myself. Every single day I had to grind myself to suppress these thoughts. I am tired and do not want to fail again now. I am only hurting my parents and burdening them. I have an exam tomorrow.",Depression +14878,"Hmm how to put this, this thing called ""love"" its just a fantasm created by humans to feel safe or idk, I mean I did not see it, heart it, taste it, smell it, touch it or feel it so I really really do not understand people who believe in this thing which is 7 billion humans except 1%? Or maybe not even 1%. What I mean is that how can you devote ur life to someone or live with him/her ur entire existence or Life. Lol I think that I will never understand. I think that love does not exist",Depression +14879,"i have been sneaking out lately in the middle of the night then just i be just sitting there by a bridge and I am thinking of that I am going to do it now but I am on a trip right now and will not be back before 3 days, I have been thinking about a great life i can get but i know it will not happen and even if it is i will not take that gamble to get it i just want to leave and i feel dead inside like my flesh is rottening i just cannot wait til i get to that bridge so i can sit there and then get on it and fall back i feel dead already",Suicidal +14880,"i am a (19M) years old guy and i feel like anyone understands me, i am resented and tired of everything, i am a very submissive straight guy and i cannot handle the fact that most women do not like guys like me, plus i do not enjoy penetrative sex so it is even worst, i was always made fun of and ignored by girls, one girl asked me to give her money to buy fanta's (in my countrie a way to call someone simp is fanta payer but i did not noticed), another one asked me to give her money to take the bus, two girls told the other girls in high school about my foot fetish, the girl i loved made fun of me for how i behaved when she was around, one girl on tinder told me sub men are ""inferior"" so she wanted me just as her servant etc... i have just one friend to meet with and i need love so much, yes i know i cannot do PIV sex but that does not mean i do not need love too and i cannot handle this shit anymore i am too coward to suicide but i want to never been born sl bad i wish i was not borned",Suicidal +14881,"it feels like I am trapped behind my eyes instead of actually living, every day when i wake up i get a rush of every horrible thing on my mind and i just want to stay unconscious for the whole day. going to sleep is my favorite part of the day. i literally cannot feel any emotion either I am only 17 and after my last relationship about a year ago i think i just shut my emotions off somehow I am so scared to get attached to people that ill be so emotionally distant and end up manipulating them without even realizing it at first. i get in relationships with people and feel absolutely nothing. everyday its like the hours just go back so fast but so slow and i cannot even remember what i did that day because i feel like I have been living in a fog for years. its gotten to the point ill do any drugs to not feel this numb blank feeling that i have, I have actually thought i was a sociopath or something because of how distant i am with my emotions and especially other peoples- but i care for people so much i just cannot FEEL i do not know if that makes sense but i cannot live like this anymore i cannot feel anything anymore",Depression +14882,I look in the mirror and I look the same but I am a whole different person and I hate that person I hate who I have become,Suicidal +14883,"I do not know what to do anymore. By the end of the month I think everyone who meant something to me will be gone.I push away my boyfriend because I cannot cope with my mental illness. it is so hard to be with me but I think he is at his wits end. He mentioned breaking up twice already. I love him more than anything in the world and I know he does too but I am so scared he will leave because it is just too much.His best friend just admitted she is in love with me. So I am not just ruining his relationship but also his friendship. She meant so much to me as well, we got really close the past days.Why do I ruin everything I touch. I do not know what to do anymore. If my boyfriend leaves me I will kill myself. I will never recover from that. I fuck up everything I touch",Suicidal +14884,I realized I have been lying to myself the whole time. I cannot keep my life up anymore. And if i did keep on living things will get worse and only drive me to suicide again. there is no way out. Killing myself next week,Suicidal +14885,"I know my mental health is worse than ever and I wish to go back in time and do therapy or stuff like that but of course no one can go back and fix everything wrong.When I thought about going to a psychologist my mental illness always respond with ""you do not even deserve to fix your mind"" and I still think like that. I am in my late 20's and had a horrible life, at this point scratching myself to bleed and ripping hair of my head is something daily. Literally going bald at young age not because genetics but because mental illness.How the professionals convince people like me to get therapy? How can someone who is mind is broken get help when you are alone and do not have anyone to help you get through this? This illness is unfair, to get help you need to wish it but to wish something you need to had at least a little bit of self care but even that is taken away from you. ""I do not deserve help""",Depression +14886,"Yeah, this is not the first, or even second or third time I have posted here, and frankly I was hoping I would never reach this point of despair again. It seems with every time I post here, my mental state was worse than the last, so let us kick this off. I am a male high school student living in (roughly) Cleveland, Ohio. I was diagnosed with anxiety fairly early on, only at age 9-ish or 10. It was not until my late Middle School years were I was diagnosed with Anxiety-induced Depression. All the way until my High School years, my anxiety was at least *stable,* and was not debilitating like it currently is. Come my Freshmen Year, they began trying medications along with therapy. It was fine, my therapist, who, I just called ""Dr. Jeff,"" was an amazing guy and I fucking miss him. The medication I tried first was Prozac, which had done nothing but made me more tired, and irritable as a result. As the school year pressed on, I was moved on another medication, Lexapro. Lexapro had done absolutely nothing for me, with not even any side effects being present. I described them to my doctor as feeling like I was taking ""empty tablets."" The psychiatrist insisted on going all the way, prolonging the time it took to reach the max dose, which, go figure, did nothing for me but give life more time to kick me while I am down. I have mentioned the stresses that High School gave me before, so I will not even both with that. By the end of my Freshman Year, Dr. Jeff had moved out of state, and I was forced to find a new therapist. Since he left, I had tried two others, but neither of them I felt any connection too, and to me, it almost felt tedious to talk to them. The next medication would not be until after my extremely stressful, work-filled Sophomore Year. Zoloft. **Okay. For the two of you who saw this while scrolling, this is probably the part you were looking for. I will bold this if you want to skip the exposition.** I had just started taking Zoloft at around the start of this Summer. My psychiatrist told me that it tends to work well for most people, which gave me some motivation; no matter how minute. They had started me on a dose of 25mg, or half a tablet. The first 2-3 days I was totally fine, but then I started to notice a nagging increase in heart rate. At first, I attributed it to the Pfizer Vaccine I had gotten and that it was inflammation that would subside over time with the proper care, no big deal right? WRONG! OH SO WRONG! This medication was, for the lack of better words, debilitating. I had noticed that the side effects had persisted about a week-and-a-half after taking the vaccine, leading me to realize that it was not heart inflammation, and the only other new thing I was taking was the Zoloft. After taking it a few more days, it worsened slightly, before my anxiety started getting worse. This was about the time that I spoke to my psychiatrist and had it lowered to 25mg. Unfortunately, I still had to wait another week to lower it further. The next two weeks were insufferable. This is the Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears of Depression meds. By the time I had finally managed to get off of it entirely, all of the symptoms had worsened, with some new fun and exciting ones developing like diarrhea. On the coming days after I had stopped entirely, I experienced symptoms that I would describe torturous to anyone with anxiety, and would not be something I wish upon my enemies. On the second day after I had stopped entirely, I had one of the **worst** panic attacks of my life. I had just about every symptom I mentioned all at once. The previously mentioned anxiety went through the fucking roof, with my diarrhea becoming nearly uncontrollable, and my heart rate going so fast that I thought I was going to have a heart attack on the porcelain throne. When I finally was able to lay in bed I felt violated in more ways than just one. I could not relax at all when these symptoms start, and some nights were sleepless entirely. I wish I could end it here, but it still does not stop. Come the next morning, something that would normally only make me marginally annoyed with my stepfather threw me into a mood swing so bad that I was yelling on the top of my lungs. My poor father bore indirect witness to the yelling over the phone, and I think I genuinely freaked him out. Neither he, nor myself had never heard me so angry. I felt like I was not even myself, and irritability and rage took over. The yelling was indescribable, it was something that almost felt nonhuman to me. When I had gone back inside, I was overwhelmed with a massive depressed feeling of hopelessness. I felt like there was nothing I could do. My stepfather, who I had previously mentioned before was notoriously strict, and tried to treat me like his son. My stepfather is this big tough dude who grew up in places where you could get hit by a wayward bullet by sheer misfortune. His own son looks like a chip off the block. he is 3 years younger than me, but looks like he could suplex some of the ninth graders at my school. And unfortunately, that means the standards on *me* are stressfully high. No matter what happens at that house, they are set in their ways until hell freezes over. I have cut myself no less than 3 times at the house, with one runaway attempt which was only deescalated by a friend. I try to do the rational thing and get away from the situation on particularly stressful days, which could involve either staying at a relatives' house, or staying the night at my father's. But when I do this, they say that I am ""running off"" to my father, or my grandmother, or my friend. On the worst of days, I often need to call my dad, and he often gives me the option to stay at his house. But some days I just **cannot do it.** My stepdad makes me feel like such a piece of shit for trying to look out for my sanity, and considers it selfish when I go to my dads house, or when I cannot complete a task and my mother is forced to do it. it is this shit that pissed me off for 5 years, and it was not until I took Zoloft when I really snapped. Since then, I have been feeling constant tension, along with increased irritability, and suicidal thoughts. My psychiatrist is booked for a month, and I do not have a new therapist who I can **really** talk to. I just feel like this is a shitty world if the last place I have to resort to finding help is from a bunch of strangers. My friends also told me that if I cannot handle it at my mom's house, then why do not I leave? The answer is really simple. it is not my mom's fault, and I do not want to leave her because of what my stepdad is trying to do. I feel constantly guilt-tripped not to leave, and I feel like I would never forgive myself if I did. My mother is already in a bad mental state of her own, but I feel like if I leave, she might try to kill herself. But inversely, I feel like if I stay there, I might try to do the same thing. I cannot win, this is a Catch 22 that is so severe, that at times I will just randomly break down into tears even thinking about it. Not the most exciting story on this subreddit, I would say it is about as subpar as it is OP, so I guess I will leave it there. I needed to get this out somehow. How Zoloft made me more Depressed.",Depression +14887,"I sleep with a panda plushy in my arms, against my chest. When I am mad, disappointed in myself, on the verge of a breakdown, stressed, anxious, sad, etc... It sort of helps you know.Only been doing that for a few days and yeah, it is a little more manageable compared to 0% When things hit the fan",Depression +14888,Yesterday was a good day i have been somewhat productive and had some fun doing itAnd today i felt really awful and got nothing done and i feel like i am missing something and i want to dieI am already on lots of meds and do frequent therapy sessionsThere is nothing else that can be done about it i guessJust felt like sharing Mood fluctuations,Depression +14889,"I finally thought i was recovering from my depression, and that my family issues were getting better. But honestly, I have just come full circle. Its gotten just like it used to be. No matter the therapy, no matter the meds, i can never escape the bitter truth of reality. Depression never was, and never has been an illness. Its everyone else who is living in denial of the truth. I do not even see the point in taking my medication anymore, I have already quit therapy. I wish i did not have to be around anyone anymore. I hate the world as it is, i hate my life. I hate being alive. And yet i still do not want to die. I have at many points in my life, but i still just do not want to give up. Its just getting hard. I have no one to talk to, i just really need even a few words. I am so close to just giving up and slipping into complete depravity again. Full circle",Suicidal +14890,"Hey all,Does anyone know a way to get through summer school? Ill cheat if I have to. I am so tired and I am sick of school interrupting every minute of my life, and I just want it to end and get it out of the way. I have no motivation and school is starting in about a month and I cannot do it. I try to talk to my mom about it but she thinks my depression is an excuse when I am taking 125mg of sertraline daily, and its getting to the point I want to either run away from home or end my life.I am taking red comet for summer school and I am studying pre calculus. If anyone knows a way to get the answers Id appreciate it. I need help with online summer school because I do not have the patience nor the motivation.",Depression +14891,"I just cannot live my life anymore. Every day I struggle just trying to make it through living for another day. I will addictively lose myself in fiction so that I can forget I exist in reality. I binge watch shows and play video games for 10 hours straight, get little sleep and binge eat snacks. Then, when I inevitably have to take a break, I feel an insurmountable wave of depression and misery hit me. I hate remembering I exist in reality. I hate becoming aware of my meaningless, worthless, disgusting, ugly, horrible self. Being reminded I am complete garbage and not deserving of anything I have or desire. Then, it gets so bad that I feel like I need to finally do something to snap out of it. I have to take charge of my life again.So I try. I practically kill myself working incredibly hard to push through my anxiety and fear and panic, trying to talk to people, trying to become social, trying to find new hobbies, trying to go to school and trying to find jobs, living healthy, going to therapy... and all it does is make things worse. I do not feel any sense of relief, I just find new things to stress about, new things to make me feel unloved, worthless, and empty.So I retreat from all of them, avoid them, and shut them all away. And I go back to trying to numb my mind. Trying to forget I am even real. I sleep all day, never getting out of bed, refusing to exercise, refusing to cook, refusing to clean my house, just wanting to forget I am even real. I do not know why I am even still around anymore, to be honest.I do not even feel like I have the right to talk about depression compared to people who actually suffer through it. I am just a brat, a spoiled pretentious entitled fucker. The only reason I am depressed is because I am almost 30 years old and have never been able to experience having a girlfriend. Ever since I hit puberty more than 15 years ago, it is the only thing that is been on my mind. it is been my obsession, yet no matter how hard I have tried I just fail.Everything else in life has been handed to me. I have a great family, plenty of money, I am skilled at almost anything I set my mind to, I make friends easily when I want to, but the one thing that always trips me up is my inability to relate to women in any kind of intimate, romantic way. I always fail at that, and my inability to experience the intimacy I long for and crave makes everything else in my life feel meaningless.Why should I care about being healthy, having a job, going to school, having a family, having skills and talents, having hobbies, having fun, or doing anything if I cannot experience the one thing I want most, having a lover? So I sacrifice and ignore everything else and lose myself in romantic fiction, day in, day out. Reading and watching it obsessively, wanting to pretend the real me does not exist. I hate myself. I do not deserve to exist. I am literally the worst. I hate waking up in the morning and being alive. I cannot take this anymore",Depression +14892,"I am sick and tired of people bullshit. I love how I can be talking to a women for a few months go on dates and everything and be having a good time. But soon as they realize that I get attached easily. Also that I am insecure about the relationship and need reassurance every once awhile becuase I have been cheated on numerous times and been fucked over by family and friends, they just up and leave without a fucking care in the world. I just cannot do this shit anymore. Honestly I wish I could just fucking die and not need to worry about it anymore. Becuase I fucking hate being lonely it is the worst feeling in the world for me and I just do not fucking understand the double standard in life. It is fine for a woman to act like this in a relationship but soon as a guy does it, he is practically trash to them. I regret joining the marines now just becuase of how mentally fucked the left me when I got out and I just want to be done with it. Fucking done with everything",Depression +14893,"So just found our due to my previous bad driving (I was still learning but also sucked) my car insurance will not be renewed. So my family now has to find a new policy. I am so done. Every day there is an issue with me despite how fucking hard I am trying to improve myself. I have cut down on spending, worked on weight loss and have opened an etsy to try and make money while I look for jobs between school semesters. Have been stuck at 240lbs, am broke, could not find a job and etsy barely gets any orders. I am so done. I can literally see the disappointment in my dads face when I walk in a room. I know he thinks he will be stuck with my ass forever but if my life has not gotten better by 30 (I am 21), then I am taking as much Nyquill as I can handle and ending it. I am done. I know my mom is disappointed bc of my scars, and my weight. I hate my fucking life and it just is not worth living anymore I want to die. I am officially the family disappointment",Depression +14894,For fucks sake I am so mother fuckin numb man. I want love and shit but. Even if I did I would not even be able to feel it. I just want to feel. Please.. Am I ever going to feel anything?,Suicidal +14895,I am in very bad situation now bank account got freez due to excessive transaction now I am out of money bank says it will take two around 2 weeks. Now I am not able find any loans. do not know what to do now.,Depression +14896,"Some light amidst all the darkness These past few months have been the hardest of my life in terms of my depression, but today I graduated with a first class degree",Depression +14897,The only reason I have not tried is because I have a 3 month old daughter and a wife. Not the same after being choked out,Suicidal +14898,"I feel that my life is pointless. That I am just a waste of space and oxygen. I feel like I am only living for others and not myself. I have dreams that I am too afraid to chase because I am afraid of success and failure at the same time. I think about offing myself all the time, but I am too anxious about it - and I do not want to bother anyone with my dead body and all the material crap etc. I wish I could just do an infinity glove snap and get it over and done with without any mess. A couple of years ago a man sued his parents for being born. I really felt that. I am so sure that I was not meant to be. Snap me back to the nothingness before I was conceived. I do not remember it, but that is the point. A big blissful black hole of unawareness. The paradox(es)",Suicidal +14899,"I cannot be like others, yes I am myself but I am isolated from the world. I dint fit in, I only find friends online and most of the time it ends up bad. I am sitting here balling my eyes out trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I want to run away from everything mentally and physically but I cannot I am stuck. Unwanted/different",Depression +14900,"All my life I was trying my best to please everyone around me but now that everyone is pleased, I am trying to die. I currently have no job and nothing I really want to do. I have nobody to talk to even tho I have a best friend. The person I actually talked to a lot recently deleted her account so I cannot even vent to her. I just hit this point where I feel like suicide is the absolute right option. Nothing feels good, nothing felt good since I was 12Sorry for errors or anything like that. I am currently slightly drunk. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +14901,"We have the illusion of freedom of choice. Which is why money becomes god and when you do find financial freedom, the people and society around you steals it because they own everything including you. The minute you think you are free you become another system of control. Women run this matrix not men. Men are given the illusion that they have control because they work 9-5 jobs but as soon as you associate yourself to any social groups they' will take away your privileges.Narcissistic run the world because of the internet...They OWN YOU - it is known as peaceful slavery so that they can slowly leech from you until there is nothing left. Mother or father both have missing teeth because both sides either abused the shit out of drugs or abused smoking...You are just feeding the greed where you will get swallowed up. Freedom is an illusion. You have no freedom...",Depression +14902,"I have not even noticed it until this week. There is a bit of mold inside the caulk that goes around the tub. The lease requires everyone to notify the management immediately at any presence of mold growing. There has been so much going on in my world that I have not even been really ""here"" and ""aware"" and depression does not help. I am afraid I am going to get in trouble for not notifying them sooner. How should I handle this? I need to tell my apartment landlord there is mold in my bathroom but scared I will get in trouble",Depression +14903,"The title is pretty much what I wanted to ask. That said, I am brand new and have only done one test stream so far. My only steaming goal is to get 4 consistent followers by the end of the year, but right now I am not expecting viewers.I am starting with hidden object games. And all you would need is a discord account and any mic you have.(Laptop, from a phone, web cams mic, anything that works.)I love discussing story, characters, inspirations, and any random topic that might pop up.(It will pop up, my ADHA meds can only do so much.) Other non game related topics are things like food, art/crafting, anime, living with depression and other psychiatric disorders, plants, animals(I have 3 reptiles), fandom, books, and shows. With other stuff you may want to talk about.I am doing this to help me work on my confidence and public speaking, as well as a way to have fun. So it probably will not be seen by many(or any) people, so it is more like us talking over discord with me screen sharing. So it is low pressure and you can have veto power over deleting the stream once over.My schedule is very flexible and I live in the US MDT or GMT-6 time zone. If anyone would be interested, feel free to comment/massage me if you want to talk more about it. I do not know anyone who like hidden object games so this is my attempt at finding someone.Again, no pressure. And thanks for reading this far down Would someone like to talk during small twitch streams? No long term commitment and no judgement if you need to back out.",Depression +14904,nothing matters in the end hahahahah,Depression +14905,I am a liar for telling people stuff like oh I promise not to be late anymore or I promise to do better in school or I promise Ill hang out with you soon and promise Ill stop behavior that comes from me wanting to die when in reality I am too depressed to really care and I am lying to myself by trying to convince myself life is worth living when I know damn well its not and I am struggling to even stay alive much less improve myself or take care of myself or respect myself I feel like I am lying by acting as if I want to continue to live,Depression +14906,"I feel like there is no point to my life. I am 31. I have no family, no home, no career. I do not have a good relationship with my mother, who will be dead soon. I have one friend who I almost never see. I am in a relationship with a person who wants nothing to do with me and thinks I am a burden. I moved away from my life to be with them and now I am just here to pay rent. I am working a job a do not care about and have no other jobs I could possibly care about. I have no connections or goals for my future. The only thing I could ever want is a little home on my own and because I am poor that seems impossible. Every person I have ever been close too has treated me like shit. I have been used my whole life and I have no hope that I will ever meet anyone who will not do the same. I do not enjoy any part of life. Occasionally its so absurd that it makes me laugh but that is not enough to keep going. I am tired of suffering and I know things will only get worse. I am only going to be uglier and sadder. Less lovable and easier to manipulate and use. The thought of suicide is so comforting. Life is pointless",Suicidal +14907,"I am actually quite happy at the moment, I just lack the will to continue. I am not even depressed.",Suicidal +14908,"A person I have fallen in love with I think has just let me know that we are not going forward, I have been depressed for a while now and they were of my only friends really. I do not have anyone else to tell and this just feels like a big snowpile on what I was already feeling I am feeling really down I do not have anyone to talk about it with either",Depression +14909,"Out of all the possible realities we could have been born into, we were born into a reality where selfishness, violence, greed, and murder are embedded into surviving in life. The rules are that we have to kill and dismantle other living creatures and consume their molecules to stay alive. does not matter if you are doing the killing or someone else is. It has to be done. This is not about an anti-meat or pro-veganism stance. it is just the hard realization for how things actually are here, that cruelty and selfishness is deeply rooted in nature and there is no escaping that.it is amazing that we started out with just water, air, and sunlight. I often wonder how different life would be if eating was an optional luxury, or to prevent social inequalities, if eating was poisonous.What point is there to life when most of one's life is spent wanting to exist in alternative worlds?Of course, we cannot control how nature works and has decided to be. To stop eating meat and plants would consistently result in a slow and painful death. We do not have any other options here. The cruel reality of Nature itself is depressing",Depression +14910,what is the point of trying to survive? i do not feel anything..,Depression +14911,Why did not I just do it :/ I almost jumped of a building today,Suicidal +14912,"I stopped drawing and reading regularly a few years ago. Two of my absolute favorite things to do since childhood. I am well into college now so the only reason I might draw is to finish an art project (I procrastinate an ungodly amount of time on projects anyway) I keep hoping my drive for it will come back but every time I try, I lose interest very quickly or get frustrated. I keep getting sucked back into these ruts where Ill feel numb and unmotivated and kind of hopeless for days. So Ill spend most of my time sleeping or doing nothing in my room. As an athlete, I do workout regularly but it never completely curbs these feelings away. But if I have a decent week, I think there cannot be anything wrong with me. Only for the cycle to continue. I just do not know what to do anymore. I hate feeling so miserable on and off. I am scared of the future because I cannot seem to do anything right for myself. I wish I could enjoy drawing and creating like I used to but I cannot imagine I ever will again. do not know if my passion will ever come back",Depression +14913,"what is the best way to stop existing? I want to know a painless, fast and accessible way to stop my life. I do not have anything, it cannot be with guns or cyanide. The best way to do it",Suicidal +14914,"Things have not gotten better, I have only gotten older and watched everyone I knew pass me by. I wish Id killed myself in high school but here I am over 10 years later. The struggle just is not worth it. I think I just need to hang myself and end this suffering. Generic I want to kill myself post",Suicidal +14915,"I feel like a complete waste of space and a disappointment I waste everyone is time, including my own",Suicidal +14916,"I do not know how to say this or put my thoughts into words, all I can say is I am so tired . I am tired of living. I am so apathetic towards life , I do not want to make plans for the future because I do not think Ill follow through . I feel worthless every single day. I do not feel anything. I just feel so numb all the time. I am not able to hold a relationship with anyone not even my parents. I just feel this impending doom, and it feels so heavy on my chest. Its like I am screaming for help on the inside but no one even bothers to hear me or help. I have met such terrible people throughout my life. I am also on antidepressants which are sort of a crutch for me. I feel like my mood is stable but on the inside I am just numb. I do not see the point to living anymore. I am so tired. Just existing everyday is killing me slowly. Does anyone feel as apathetic towards life ? I am so tired",Depression +14917,i attempted suicide and I am wishing I was successful because now I am stuck in a rut they took every knife and medicine away from me and idk how to kill myself now The only thing keeping me from killing myself is that I do not have access to anything harmful,Suicidal +14918,"My legs are sore lol but it is worth it. With all the stress during lockdown, losing my job, switching psychologists... let us just say jogging or working out was not exactly at the top of my priorities. But today, I finally did it, and I plan to go again at least 3 more times this week. Guys, remember, every little step counts. Every little bit of thing that may help, at least give it a shot. it is okay if you will fail at first. I wanted to start this again for at least 2 months, and today I finally had enough motivation. It takes a while, but you will get there. Just went jogging for the first time in the years!",Depression +14919,"I have never had a diagnosis of MDD, I do have a diagnosis of generalized anxiety. I have taken Lexapro (recently increased from 10 mg to 15 mg a month ago) and this is the first psychiatric medication I have ever taken. I have been on it since March 2021. At first I felt like it was working great, I was on top of the world for about 2 months and now I am not really feeling the effects any more.I have felt ""off"" for a few weeks now. I am currently about to graduate grad school next month and am finishing up my internship. I have a few things going on right now: finishing up school/graduating, starting a new job within the next 2 months, turning 26 and getting booted off my parent's health insurance, having 3 friends move out of our apartment and 3 new random roommates whom I do not know at all moving in to live with me. Normally I would feel anxious and stressed, but I feel nothing. Not in a good way, but numb. I could start to notice something was wrong when I would get home from work and immediately go to my bedroom. I felt like I could not bring myself to hang out with my friends or roommates. I will ignore texts/snaps/calls, etc. because I feel like I cannot be happy/excited and match the energy of the other person. I went on a cabin weekend trip 2 weeks ago with my friends and I felt like I was almost having an out of body experience, watching them drink and have fun and I was just existing there, not saying anything because I felt like I had nothing to add. I am still able to sleep a normal amount, go to work, maintain a relationship with my S/O (although I feel exhausted and horrible and like I cannot be a good girlfriend in this state), and take care of hygiene and all that. I feel like because I can still do things and I am not having SI/staying in bed all day, I cannot be depressed. I have never experienced something quite to this magnitude before so I guess I do not know what to call it or what to do. Also not really sure what I wanted to get out of posting this, but just wanted to put it down into words to make it seem real. If anyone has any thoughts/ideas, please let me know but otherwise thank you for just reading this. cannot tell if I am depressed",Depression +14920,"What is the value of life? Am I happy or do the happy moments just drown out the crap that is life? Partly the only thing that keeps me alive is the will not to give up. But why do I even have that will? It could all just be over, all this pain. Everything was put into my cradle. Yet I am so dissatisfied with myself. Yesterday I burst into tears in front of all my friends. Am I not just a burden to everyone. What would be the problem if I were simply gone? Please help me. Value of Life?",Suicidal +14921,I hope at least someone out there is proud of me I finally had a good day,Suicidal +14922,"Many, if not all, suicidal people feel envy, and sometimes it goes to the point where they cannot even visit most subs because. So they come here because that is one of the only places they can find content that they relate to. I am not saying it makes them happy to see other people suffering, I am saying when most major subs because suicidal people to feel crippling envy and suffer, this sub at least gives them relatable content, which everyone deserves. r/suicidewatch is NOT a shit sub",Suicidal +14923,"So, I was born deaf & spent like the last 7 years in these same four walls in my 25 years of living.. When I stopped wearing my cochlear implants(advanced hearing aids), I realized I enjoyed the silence & peace more than the noisy world with loud people & I do not regret making that choice.The expectations I got from others because they wanted me to hear as well as own fear of people not accepting me as an introvert was super stressful bc I was always trying to fit in with others, I have made some great friends along the way but I still did not enjoy being someone they needed me to be.I do not know why I am sharing this but honestly, if it was not for me accepting myself as an introvert amongst other things, I do not think I would be here today... being alone is okay, as long as you are not harming yourself/others. 7 years later & I am still grateful for things in life :heart:If you are reading this, just know you are a human being deserving of happiness & you might feel alone but there are people there for you, even if you do not know them yet, including yourself & YOU SHOULD HUG YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT! As silly as that may sound, loving yourself is never sillyThis may sound cringy but... "" Life is beautiful, ugly, peaceful & chaotic all in 1 "" - meThanks for reading & I hope this post helps everyone xx My thoughts now",Depression +14924,"Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself: ""Hey, even after all I have been through i take my chances, and go for it""?So, i met this girl on badoo. 20 (I am 23), lots of same opinions and really enjoyed time we spend together. I admit, i was a bit too slow cuz hey, ""did not want to rush things"" you know. But still, i really felt like there was spark between us. Went on 9 dates... Well, she did not run away atleast xD. I was thinking that this could be it.Sounds pretty good right?Well, today i was browsing facebook with my roommate and guess what i saw? This girl is ""In relationship"".So here i am, wasting my time and kind of waiting for a next day, so i can go to work, and do something.I had my fair share of breakups but i really mess you up every time.I wish that one day you will find someone and have a normal relationship so that you rwach that ""Happy ending"" Rant - I feel like work is more fullfilling that realationship right now.",Depression +14925,I have tons of hobbies and I have not been motivated to do any of them. The things I used to love doing now seem like a chore. The only thing I want to do anymore is eat and sleep. How can I get motivated to do stuff?,Depression +14926,that is all. Passing away sounds peaceful,Suicidal +14927,I am 16 male. I have 1 friend who is in another group of friends who all make fun of me because I am not in that friend group and i think that everyone at my work hates me cuz I am a slow learner and make fun of me for being a beginner. I am done feeling so alone and left out it feels like this is my only option. I feel so alone,Suicidal +14928,"Maybe its just me alone in this but it feels like both the job market and the housing market are so inexplicably fucked. I am 23 years old and still live with my fucking family because no matter what fucking job I get I do not make enough fucking money to live in this shit hole of a town. Tried to apply for something better with my degree and instead I just hear Jack shit back. No apartments or homes available for rent are anywhere near my price range, and I just cannot move out of town because that costs money I do not fucking have. This close to ending it all, because there is no way out. Fuck it all Everything is so fucked",Depression +14929,Today i am on Vacation with my grandparents and i am happy but also dad because it Will only je five days and then i am going back home so back to depression just hate being sad With grandparents,Depression +14930,"Hi,Does anyone not want to wake up to a new day and would prefer to just sleep the day away?Been feeling more and more like this more often....At times, I want to cry, but cannot.Friends only understand so much of what is happening....work and family has its own issues.I hope that everyone is doing okay..... Not Wanting To Wake Up Each Day...",Depression +14931,Its so weird how emotions can make you want to hurl. I feel so fucking sick,Suicidal +14932,"months after quitting my antidepressants I do not have the same feeling of depressed brain fog but the pain of it all never goes away. I am convinced I am still better off without them and I think my mind has been a bit healthier since I was able to quit, but the emotional and physical pain brought from the depression and anxiety are not much better.there is more good days without the meds but the bad days still tear me down. I have not gone a single day without thinking about harming and suicide in almost a decade. I am terrified of hurting the people around by ending my life but I do not know how much longer that fear can keep me here. there never seems to be a way I can really articulate the pain I am in and I am ready for it all to stop. posting here has not been very helpful in the past but I am desperate and cannot keep myself going anymore it never ends",Depression +14933,"In my last post I complained about how rude he is in, everything he does. Now, I am beginning to understand exactly WHY! When, his wife was alive, she had control over EVERYTHING. He had very little if any control at all. So, in the scant few years he says he has left, he is trying to make up for 47 years of being someone who always did as he was told. here is the issue, nothing I do is good enough for him. Except maybe the physical things he cannot do at all anymore. For example: yardwork. Anything my wife or I do around here, he goes behind us and quietly second guesses. If the cat is outside, he insists he knows about it! I asked why? One of us let her out, one of us will let her back in. Nope. Not good enough for him! He goes out onto the concrete porch on very shaky legs in, clumsy slippers and, down the brick steps to get her. Why? You guessed it! He has to control the cat too!! If any of you have ever had a cat or two you are all aware that cats do as they please! When, we moved in here, he insisted we change anything we did not like (after all this will be our house soon) then when, we talk about changing anything or buying something new, he scoffs! IDK why your going to waste money on a new TV when, this 28 year old, 19"" box TV is just fine! Oh, you mean the one with the lousy picture that you always complain about having to get up to see the program guide because, you cannot see it? THAT perfectly fine TV? I mention to him that we are getting a new kitchen trash can because the one he has is not designed to hold trash. We have no room for it in the kitchen and...you guessed it! The old one is perfectly fine! Plenty of room for it and, the old one is NOT perfectly fine! We want to replace the shades with blinds, he says why? the old ones are perfectly fine! Not true. Every one of them is torn and, the springs are shot. My wife (his daughter) hung out his humming bird feeder. We went and bought a second one and since my wife cannot get on a ladder (nor can I) she mounted it in a lower area. Day before yesterday, he had dragged out the ladder to climb up and put the feeder up higher. He was wearing house slippers and his robe. He could have fallen and at his age, that would be the end. oh I almost forgot the most important part. The lower feeder was not HIS idea. that is why he wanted to move it. He wanted us here so badly and said do whatever you want but is now regretting saying it. Why? Because he is not in charge. We have had to be careful when we go food shopping because, he has talked about, how much he misses driving. He has trouble hearing, ( we almost have to yell to get a point across) he cannot see the cat, his phone, his walker, etc, when they right in front of him! No way, he is going to drive! All that being said, can someone please explain to me how a 94 year old man, has such a fucking obsession with being in control? You would think, his chief priority would be staying alive as long as he can! He frustrates the shit out of me, that pisses me off and, then I get so depressed that, I want to sleep all day! In any event, thanks for reading my rant. Hope all is well. Love and an awesome day to everyone! So says the Godfather! LOL Controlling",Depression +14934,"maybe I am just not made for life. people abandon me. i have no best friends. i used to. my day is basically to wake up, eat, be on my pc only watching youtube videos, eat, go do whatever i need to, eat again rinse and repeat. then i see people having fun, having relationships and just enjoying life. and yet here i am. frequenting pubs, drinking alone until i can barely stand...i thought maybe i can quit my bad habits once i got with my gf. i trusted her with my life. now she does not even want to talk to me anymore. then again, I am responsible for her not wanting to talk to me. i fuck up every relationship or i ghost people. yet everyone says to me that i have a life ahead of me, I am 17, i got a whole life ahead of me...what is the point? what is the point of going to college, having a job, coming to an empty house, drinking until you cannot stand and going to work the next morning. if i talk to my parents, they belittle me or mock me. what happens after death anyways? sometimes i want to take the risk, hoping it would end my suffering but it does not. maybe my fate is sealed anyways. I am only likeable when I am useful to people. nobody asks me how i am. i want to cry it out but i cannot even do that. i do not know what more to write. i want to die yet i cannot",Suicidal +14935,I was almost three years clean from opioid addiction. I have a good job. Good family and everything was going well. My girlfriend left me unexpectedly after over a year together. She disappeared with no explanation other then she is not ready for a relationship. I got drunk and high and ended up outside her apartment. I feel completely lost and broken. I am not sure where to go now that I have fallen back into this and want nothing more then to get high and have her back. Its hard. Life is hard. Liquor and pills,Depression +14936,I am only 22 so I do not have too much and I imagine my parents will carry out my wishes if I just write them on a piece of paper but is there anything I should include/know about writing a will before I go? I am leaving my money to look after my dog when I am gone. Any Advice for Writing a Will?,Suicidal +14937,"Throughout the past years I have been stuck in rock bottom, facing the biggest depressive episodes I have ever had to deal with, but recently I somehow overcame it all together and started putting my life back together.That is all nice and good but the haunting question that got me down years ago is creeping back up, what is the point? I do not wish to have a overly successful life or to gather achievements, I just want to be happy, but happiness never lasts.I see no reason to struggle with the adversities of life because there is nothing for me to gain in doing so, in fact all the effort involved probably would get me farther away from happiness.I wish I could enjoy this world and live a ""normal"" life, but deep down I know that it is simply not meant to be. I have been slowly pushing away everyone in my support network because there is nothing they can do if I do not want to help myself.I have tried everything, but suicide is always the ultimate answer, afterall I never wanted to be here anyway, I am tired of pretending that I do. Guys I cannot see a way out",Suicidal +14938,"Although I still think about killing myself, I still do not know what the heck will happen to me if I kill myself.For now, Ill rather cut myself until I die than to kill myself. I may or may not kill myself, but Ill rather cut myself for now.I just do not have a gut to end myself, hence I want something or someone to end me instead, painlessly and quick. And since I am a religious person, I do not think killing myself will be my main goal for now. I do not know. I am just scared about the unknown, mysterious things that might happen to me if I kill myself.Right now, I am cutting myself with a pick. It left me some good scars, and the good thing is that they do not leave a messy blood nor leave scars permanently. I can just keep doing it again and again and again until the day I die (hopefully I die a young age, not an old age). Ill rather harm myself than to kill myself",Suicidal +14939,"Hi everybody,Sorry if this is not the place to post something like this.I have been struggling with major depression and anxiety disorder for more than 5 years now and been in and out of therapy, I practically tried almost everything.My biggest issue is the fact that even if I keep fighting my demons, fighting these voices inside my head, I cannot find the strength or the courage or the will (call it whatever you want) to move on.I am stuck at the same moment and place in my life since then, I procrastinate, I distract myself as hard as I can because I am afraid to not make it, to not be able to get the control back on my life, on university especially. I have been pretty late on my exams and everytime I have to study or prepare I just find an excuse not to do it, because deep down I do not want to face it and realise I have changed, that I am not made for the life I wanted to live, that I will not make it out of med school. Can you help me, please? Those thoughts break me and everytime I have to face them I just get deep into a really dark place. Can you tell me something new to find the will to live and not just survive?",Depression +14940,"I keep jumping back and forth between wanting to die and wanting to keep going or keep trying. I do not know where to begin so I guess I will just spill my thoughts until I feel as though I have written enough. No one gets it. No one believes that I would actually do it, including me sometimes... I want to make the world better, I want to make the people in my life better... but I know that is just me trying to control others, which is something I know deep down is wrong. So, the alternative to acceptance of my circumstances, often seems nice. I took my mom in almost two years ago... both her parents died in 2014, and the fight over what little inheritance there was to fight over caused her to become estranged from her four sisters. She has not spoken to them since, and neither have I. All this happened a year after my 2013 sobriety date (I am a recovering heroin addict). I took her in because she had debted herself into a hole she could not crawl out of. I am 28 years old, 8 years sober and was 7 years deep into a career as a restaurant manager when covid hit. I did not get laid off right away, in fact I kept going at my job until It was demanded of me that I move to a location that was a 3 hour commute from my home. My company did not give me any other options, and so I told them no, and thankfully qualified for unemployment. I probably should have just sucked it up and done the drive every day but I was depressed, my car was barely making it to work as it is and I already hated restaurant management so I ended the relationship so to speak. My mom told me it would be 4 months until she got back on her feet and could afford to rent a room on her own, its now been almost two years. She, of course, used covid as an excuse to prolong her comfort. I wish people could understand how difficult it has been to deal with her, the shittiest version of her that has ever lived. She is awful. She cuts me down at every turn, manipulates me into considering that I am a bad son for even suggesting that she should leave my home. I wanted a family, kids, I was even lucky enough to find a girl who did not mind that my mother was living with me. Sam is great... but my mother has even come between her and I and started arguments that would have otherwise not happened. she is lazy, she is depressed and I find myself brought down to a degree of insanity that I never thought possible, especially while sober; and a similarly depressed state. Obviously, I am depressed. I want to have a purpose. I am smart, able-bodied, and ready as ever to affect change onto the world but I do not have a good outlet for it. Maybe I do... I have recorded a few different videos for youtube on various topics, they are all really good and I know that deep down, but I just cannot bring myself to post them. When I look back on my life, my childhood especially, I realize that critiques were easy to find, where praise was absent. And I know that, because of this, my self-esteem really holds me back from doing all the things I want to do, but even knowing that, I just cannot seem to surmount my fear of failure... or ridicule. I think I just need compliments or someone to tell me everything is going to be alright or someone to tell me to chase my dreams because I am beautiful or some stupid bullshit like that. I need someone to support me that is not me... I wish I had that. I am getting angry. I would never hurt anyone that was not myself, and that, at least, is something I can take pride in... that no matter how angry I got at the world, my default setting would because me to simply leave it, rather than attempt to destroy it. I wish I was not born into a world where a dad would rather take exotic trips every week than help out his son who is taking care of the woman he abandoned. I wish I was born into a world where good ideas and awesome people were celebrated and encouraged rather than torn down at every juncture possible. I wish I was born into a world where there were no examples of ""men who died before their time"". I wish the world were different. But it is not my world. So, as Ghandi instructed I will try my best to be the change I want to see in the world, and pray that it becomes better before I can gather the courage to leave it. If you are feeling hopeless like me, all I can say is... I hope one day I have the opportunity to appreciate you... I will not be offing myself today. Conski I never thought I would feel like this",Suicidal +14941,"i want to be able to come home to someone that wants to cuddle with me and likes me for who i am, but i know that is a fantasy because I am already thinking of killing myself and I am not even in high school i just want someone to like me",Depression +14942,Will cutting myself hurt if I take drugs first? Question,Suicidal +14943,"I used to enjoy various things just a few years ago. Nowdays, nothing makes me happy or gives me a sense of accomplishment. Last year, I passed school-leaving exams with flying colors. Now I am a year into my university studies and I am easily passing everything, mostly due to the effort I put into it. And I feel nothing at all. Parents regularly ask me, whether I am happy that I am passing exams like that, and I am lying to them. I stopped celebrating my birthday because it was because I could not stand the exaggerated joy that others were trying to celebrate by being a year closer to death again. For a few years after that I was at least celebrating others' birthdays, just to remind myself, that people who love live exist. Nowadays, I cannot even visit others' birthday parties, because I just feel miserable and I fear that I ruin the party somehow. &#x200B;There is more to that, but to briefly introduce my situation I think it is enough. Nothing really makes me happy or satisfied.",Depression +14944,I wish I would just catch a fatal disease or something or just get murdered. I do not have the courage to jump in front of a train. There are not any guns here. I do not have any rope to hang myself. Can someone or something just end it all for me please? I am too much of a coward to do it,Suicidal +14945,"Feeling sad, feeling like life is not worth it. I love my girlfriend with all my heart and we had a nice laugh together. I just feel like what is the point in living if we only live to work and work to live. I will not end up leaving a mark on the work. Sometimes I genuinely think about just jumping in the car at 70-100 mph and just swerving and then it is all over. I have taken multiple pills on different days just to numb the pain of feeling worthless but it still does not work. One time after taking too many pills I felt a shooting pain in my abdomen that I felt both scared and glad. Scared because I thought something was happening and glad because it is kind of what I wanted. I dunno what to do to stop me feeling so empty. I could put on my happy face where I am the jokester both at home and work but my change in mood has been noticed at work. People ask me how I am and i just say I am fine, I will be okay. I do not feel like I really have a valid reason to be sad. Its just how I feel. I have went from telling lots of jokes to being a depressed idiot. Part of me is wondering why I am even typing this. I do not want to leave this world because I care about my girlfriend and I love her so much. she is been through soo much already and does not need to know what I am going through as I feel like it will only bring her down. I want her to feel special. she is lost soo much family already I could not bare to bring any bad news upon her. Its probably not even bad news. I just feel a little sad and sometimes just want to zone out and not exist for days at a time do not know why I am sharing this, just how I have felt over that past while",Depression +14946,I fucking hate being alone. I just want to die.,Suicidal +14947,I am 22m. Been anxious af all my life. I am at a point where I honestly do not want to live as me anymore. I do not see a way out. Its bad enough to be temperamentally extremely anxious but combined with being extremely ugly and short AND now balding at 22. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with all of this. I feel intense shame about being me. Its pathetic not being able to just look your boss in the eyes and have a normal conversation. I have no chance of having a normal life like this. I honestly just want to disappear. Cease existence. I cannot walk to the fucking busstop without shaking with anxiety. I used to have dreams. I do not know man. I feel like such a bitch writing here like this. But I do not know what else to do. I cannot suicide because it would affect a lot of people around me. So I am just stuck. Endure untill death. Someone please explain to me how can I have a healthy self-image when my face is deformed and I look 50 years old while being 22. AND I cannot be normal around people due to my anxiety. Like where do I even begin... Anxiety killing me slowly,Depression +14948,I have been planning my suicide for a while. Today was the day I picked. I was so sure and set but now I am second guessing myself. I am in so much pain. I want it to end. But maybe...maybe life is worth it? I am not sure. I just want to talk to someone without fear of being hospitalized... Today is the day,Suicidal +14949,i do not know what is right and what is wrong. I am so mad because I am left behind wondering what should i do. i do not know what to do. everyone just says not to do it but I am struggling and I am weak. i do not know how to think. my mum and friends know of my plans anyway. it makes them sad but I am sadder. life is just so sad and unfair I am so scared,Suicidal +14950,"I do not think I can handle being abandoned one more fucking time. I am on the verge of blowing my fucking brains out and I swear to god if one more person leaves me, I am going to do it. I have guns and I know how to uses them. I spent my entire childhood being abused and abandoned, and it all comes rushing back to the forefront of my mind when this shit happens. I cannot fucking take it anymore. I cannot. I am in constant, overwhelming psychological pain from the scars, the schizophrenia, the financial insecurity. I cannot fucking do this anymore. Please fucking help me. I cannot take it anymore. Please.",Suicidal +14951,"So I am 24(f) , all my classmates who are about to graduate college with me are 22 or under 22. So I am 2 years behind all of them.I am a computer student so my whole day , I spend it in front of computer. Due to this I am gaining weight and severe neck lines which makes me look old.All my friends are slim and beautiful .I did something in past that has potential to ruin my career(maybe)(did not harm anyone else), and this bothers me a lot. This fear grips all over me every single time I apply for some new job.I am 24 and still dependent on my mum for money. I really looked at her today and realised that she is getting old and I have not bought her shit or took her to any of her favorite place because I am broke as fuck.I spend 2 years of life just wasting and in depression which put me 2 years behind all my peers.My father dies 3 years prior , and the thought that he died thinking that I hate him is something I try to not ever think about. I am also part of the reason why he died.I am realising that I am nothing special . Leave special I am not even able to get a job that a simpleton could get because I failed in 1 semester of my college which I have yet to clear. I applied for 4 jobs and all of them turned me down due to back logs.I have 0 friends , the girl I though was my friend , turns out is not. I do not have a bf and my relation with my one and only sibling are getting worsened each day , and we are at a point where we if are under the same roof , we do not talk at all.I am 24 and broke as fuck . I do not think I have any marketable skills. I can build websites but I am nothing good at them. 24(f) finds myself sinking everyday.",Depression +14952,"I might kill my dad tonight. Then maybe myself. Who knows, only time can tell Tonight",Suicidal +14953,"So basically I was fed up of being controlled by my OCD, I was fed up of feeling like shit all day long. So I bought a Jack Daniels, chugged it all and slit my right hand. Luckily I got fastly rushed to the nearest hospital.I regret this and never wish anyone to feel suicidal even to the slightest. My suicide story",Suicidal +14954,"I am really unhappy, I live in an abusive controlling and unsupportive home.My parents never let me go out and do not allow me to get a job unless I go to university, so it was my dream to go to one to finally be able to move away from them.But I realized that I will never be happy.Even if I move out.I do not have anyone.I lost all my passion over all things I used to love and I feel sad all the time.I keep finding myself crying for no reason and harming myself over the mistakes I make.I keep wishing to never wake up when I go to sleep.I really want to dieI have nothing to live forI have no one that cares for meIt hurts so muchThere are so many things I regretSo many things that I wish never happened to me.I do not want to keep thinking about them but they are killing me slowlyI just want it to end I made a deal with myself to not kill myself if I got accepted to university but I cannot help but want it all to end.",Suicidal +14955,"i feel awful, I am going to try again now, everything is set up. I am sorry ?",Suicidal +14956,I wish I could turn my emotions off. I wish I did not care.I want to feel stable again. Feeling like I might relapse again,Depression +14957,"I apologise first and foremost, I feel like writing something and putting it out there makes me feel a little better, like I have shifted some of the weight from myself, but I realise it sounds like self pity so I am sorry.I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I was in love, and it was reciprocated. But it was not that that was important. It was the feeling that someone out with immediate family cared about me. Another random human being on this planet cared about me and what happens to me. I have never felt that before. It was undescribable. It was incredible. Then I woke up. I have been in a horrible mood all day waking up in the real world and realising the truth. I hope I feel that at some point in my life while I am awake. A Dream I Had Last Night",Depression +14958,"I have spent the past couple days in my head and I am so afraid of getting stuck in there again. I was doing really well, letting the past go, living in the moment, and enjoying life. Today, I just feel deflated and empty. I feel soggy and gross.I think it is because I have had an amazing past few months. Senior prom, skip day, graduation, a two-week trip with my best friend, etc etc. And I tried *so hard* to live in the moment, and now that moment is gone. I cannot really be on my own or without constant movement, I have learned, or I will sink into my old ways.I forced myself out of bed and drove 20 minutes to a park at a marina to go on a walk with my dog, but all I could think about was how much I wanted to walk off of the pier and plunge into the water.I have tried to make healthy changes, I tried to get fresh air, listen to music, read books. But I feel like absolute shit right now.I just want to give up right now and just lay down in the grass and melt into it. Grow into a nice tree or something. I just want to be like everyone else sometimes. I do it to myself, but I cannot not do it to myself. I love being sad. I love being manic. I love feeling too much or else I do not feel like I am feeling at all. Want to walk off of the pier.",Suicidal +14959,Does anyone know the exact amount of Advil that can kill you? Overdose,Suicidal +14960,"I am a twenty-year-old man. And while it might seem unlikely, almost anything makes me cry. It does not matter what happened, who happened it, or where it happened. It does not matter how or if it concerns me at all. Lately, when I see reports of covids, fires, floods and tornadoes everywhere, I am just crying at the sight of ruined houses and broken people. They are so far away, but my empathy completely controls me and I cry. I cry when I see a photo of a dead actor or singer, regardless of whether I liked him at all or if I knew him, more or less just because I cannot stop thinking about the thousands of people who may have loved the actor and now suffer from his loss. I cry when I see a random funeral procession in our city, simply because I am so sorry for those people. I have cried even over my little sister accidentally killing the butterfly. I just feel I am oversensitive to everything. Being oversessitive.",Depression +14961,"I am heavily considering moving to online school so i do not have to deal with seeing normal people my age all happy enjoying their normal lives. I am done with everyone thinking I am weird if everyone is so fucking bothered by me existing I am going to be a hermit and not interect with people., i cannot even fucking walk because girls think I am following them and being a creep.i do not like the way i am ether ok? i know I am weird and ugly but can i just be left alone? i get disgusted looks from girl and weird looks from everyone else. i just want to be left alone on some mountain in new Zealand. I am not a human I am defective and i should eather be killed or left alone far far far away from humanity I have 95% given up on being part of society and trying to have friends",Suicidal +14962,"I have been feeling depressed since the pandemic started. Back then I was at least productive and now I just feel what is the point. I have been living in a good city basically my whole life. I never once had a night out or did anything because I wanted to be a ""good kid"". Once I did my boards I thought I could finally let go and chill for a bit and finally live a little but the pandemic shitted all my plans. I was planning to take a gap year after I graduated to finally enjoy my life a bit but I recently found out my dad is getting transferred to some village and we have to move. I just feel like I have wasted my life trying to fit in the mold of a ""good kid"". I have been here all my life and making friends does not come easy, I just fear I will be lonely all my life. I used to have morning walks that gave me some relief but I cannot do that because of rain. I feel very suffocated. I am also under a lot of pressure because my dad thinks I will get into one of the top law colleges. Please offer me some advice and do not suggest therapy or treatment because it is a huge stigma here. I need some guidance please. I need guidance and help",Depression +14963,"I have ran out out reasons to still keep fighting this. Asking for something that is probably impossible to receive at the moment. Apologies.I have fought this for longer than someone should, an absurd amount of time. I have survived previous attempts through ""luck"" they say, or someone saving me in time. Guess I am desperate to post here in hopes a stranger can say something for me to not give in... I need a reason just one genuine reason",Suicidal +14964,Lost sense of direction and what to hope for in future. Almost always feel like killing myself. I did try it a month ago by drug overdose. The only thing it stop was cuz I was drunk and ate a lot of food before hand. I decided to kill myself after I got drunk. And it all came out as vomit.If that did not happen I would not be writing this right now. At this moment. I do not give a ahit about A lot of things. I did not take a bath in a week all my clothes are dirty. I eat ice cream all day knowing I am diabetic. I shake uncontrollably afterward. I hate working right now. I was making enough money before but now I am back to a junior position. Making by. I just feel hopeless and thinking out killing myself constantly. I just dunno. I tried and now I have no sense of direction in life.,Suicidal +14965,"I just feel like everyone I know is probably sick of me or annoyed with me and they just put up with me out of politeness. I used to talk about my depression, but these past few months I sort of stopped talking to the people close to me about it because I am sure they are sick of hearing about it and I do not want to be a downer all the time. So I am just stuck here with all these feelings by myself and it honestly feels like I am drowning. I feel really alone and isolated",Depression +14966,"I will delete this if i make it to august. i need to stop being delusional and dumb, there is nothing left. I will get the tools online, i found something more secure, it should get delivered in a week's time. i will improvise my suicide kit. there is nothing left. i can be replaced, i will be forgotten after they grieve. i do not care how they will feel. i just want all of this to stop nothing interesting",Suicidal +14967,Please reply if see this. Many thanks. Can anyone see this post? I think the mods disabled my posts from being viewed by others.,Depression +14968,"As the title says. So can anyone do anything to try and cheer me up? I literally could care less what it is, i just want to not think about killing myself for a minute. Thanks :) I am bored and sad",Depression +14969,Reality seems distorted lately. Trees and vegetation were talking to me earlier today. Also keep hearing metal screeches. I should leave. Its the right thing to do. But I am not sure when just yet. Will wait for the right sign. Good luck everyone. My mind is slipping. I think its a sign I should leave soon,Suicidal +14970,"Loneliness is crippling. I am an artist, but my drawings never attracted anyone. I have been working out for six months, but it seems like I will never be enough. I am tired. I am 22. I have no friends and I never had a girlfriend",Suicidal +14971,"Title says it all.Round-about 1 month ago today I attempted to be helpful in a community only to be met with claims of homophobia & spreading negativity, despite what I said equally criticizing everyone involved and encouraging being open and kind.On that same day, I contemplated suicide for what I could only hope would be the last time, believing I had done nothing but proven to be my own worst fear.Today, one month later, I gave an attempt at reconciliation my absolute all.Today, I allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time in 3 years.And today, I was rejected in the worst way I can possibly imagine.I wrote my most deep-seated apology to those I had wronged and to those who believed I was nothing more than an unapologetic piece of shit. I posted it, and I waited.I waited 5 minutes, then 15 minutes, then 30 minutes. Before I knew it, I would been staring at the screen for over two hours, waiting, praying for someone to say something.After two hours I got a response, and all it did was make everything so much worse. It solidified my view of myself, being unable to do right despite my every attempt, my countless efforts done in all manner of ways.Two hours of waiting, and all I got was someone telling me that I was banned for a reason, implying that my effort, despite it being done in the nicest way I could muster, was in vain.If you were to tell me 1 month ago that attempting to be kind would because me to, in a way, spiral down a rabbit hole of self-pity and self-loathing I would have called you a pessimist. I would have attempted to justify it with optimism and passion that is rarely seen these days.But now? Now I would call you a speaker of nothing but the truth, in that regard.it is the sad reality that I have now come to realize encompasses my whole being. The sad reality that I am a broken light in the dark tunnel that is everyday life. A light still sputtering but quickly losing its function. I am not sure where else to post this really, take it down if you all must but I feel it can be good to read for those feeling down. To see that maybe their day or maybe their situation is not as bad as it first appears. Today, I tried and absolutely failed to be a better person.",Depression +14972,"I was in a long distance with my then girlfriend for almost 4 years (we would meet during term breaks) and as the world knows covid lock down started at around march 2020. Due to borders closing and my studies (international university student) i was not able to travel. At first i was able to keep the relationship going but everything changed the start of this year.Communication was at an all time low. When i knew that i could not meet her for another year, I began to feel empty and questioned whether i truly loved my then gf. So much so that i developed depression. I lost all interest in my hobbies. I had insomnia and lack of appetite. I also inflicted self harm to which i knew was alarming. With that i sought help from my friends which i have trouble opening up to. One of the friend that was able to help was female (girl 2) to which i could open up to.The problem started when I developed a crush on her. At that point it was completely platonic. But when my then girlfriend confronted me about girl 2 i was forced to make a decision: to go with her or girl 2 (it was my choice ultimately but she wanted an immediate answer). The worst thing was that it was a stressful period due to my submissions. Along with heated arguments and rash decisions, i broke up with my then gf.It has been 3 months since the break up. Although girl 2 is helping me get better at handling the depression. I began to analyze what i could have done. I hate myself for not being strong enough mentally to continue the relationship. For not appreciating the things that i had. For not being proactive in communicating with her. Most of all for causing the love of my life pain. I felt like an asshole.I do not know if i can ever overcome the horrible choice of throwing away a perfect relationship. I understand the post cannot help me in anyway and i am the only one that can change my life around. i just wanted to be heard and maybe get some words of encouragement or different perspectives. Thanks for reading. Bad choices",Depression +14973,"I am in college. I am going to fail this semester again and I am going to be made to take a gap year by my university.It makes me want to take my own life. I will not, but its like a nagging voice in my head saying that I should, there is nothing left, and I am a failure in life. Please help. Feeling depressed over grades",Depression +14974,"I love music. I like to dance to edm and rock music to help me deal with life. Its always about an hour or two of this rocks! Why was I ever sad?! and then all of a sudden it just hits me. I start to spiral and worry about everything that I should be doing but cannot. I give in, turn off the music and lay back down. I hate it. I just want one thing besides sleep that brings me peace. Everywhere I go (I have tried the hiking, going for walks, sitting in a park, etc.) but I hate that too. I live in a very small, rural town. So going out is not really that fun, not like a bigger city where you can just walk around all day and explore. Even when I do something fun, after about an hour I want to stop because I am too hopeless to continue.",Depression +14975,I just want someone genuine in my life. I am tired of dealing with shitty people with no moral integrity. People are fucking horrible. Do good people even exist anymore?,Depression +14976,"Its pointless. I have been depressed since I was 14, I am 26 now. I have struggled with tons of mental health issues, sex addiction, body dysmorphia..I do not understand how I have not offed myself yet but I guess I am holding on to hope somehow. I have turned into a manipulative piece of shit because I have only ever been taken advantage of by people because of all my mental health struggles. People are evil and they will sniff that shit out right away and do anything they can to make you feel safe for a moment, only to abuse the shit out of you in the end and I refuse to let myself be taken advantage of. I do not see the point of fixing anything. I am too tired to try. Right now I am living in a shitty room share situation with strange people and its the worse. I am super dependent on my mother and she is sick of me too. I have a job but I do not get paid enough. I go back to school in Sept. but I am too depressed to do anything right now and cannot imagine starting school up again.I just want someone genuine in my life. I am tired of dealing with shitty people with no moral integrity. People are fucking horrible. I cannot do anything to help myself and I just do not want to live anymore.",Depression +14977,"I am a teenager. I want to cut myself. You cannot change my mind, so do not try. I cannot buy anything to do it, my parents check every package. Any knives my family has are extremely dull - I tried to use them, and it failed. So how do I do it? I want to cut myself. My kitchen knives are not sharp enough. How do I get something that has adequate sharpness?",Suicidal +14978,"Nothing gives me pleasure anymore in life. If it is music, playing games or whatever... I have achieved nothing in life, live by my parents with my asshole dad, i have no friend, no work, I am ugly and weird. I am just living in the day and I am tired of it. I hate everything, I am tired and bored",Suicidal +14979,I just want someone to talk to can we be friends,Depression +14980,Now I am hiding upstairs. Partner says he does not want me to leave but I know he only said it because of me screaming I want to die before leaving in my pyjamas. I cannot do this shit anymore. One minute I am happy and everything is great and the next I hate him because he did not kiss me when he came home and I loose it. I have ruined every good thing I have ever had and I have spent the last year getting more and more suicidal. I just cannot continue with these constant thoughts of just not being good enough and wanting to die. I cannot. Just walked out down a field in my pyjamas and flip flops,Suicidal +14981,Is it depression when you feel like a zombie? Like you do not feel pain or much joy just zombie? And low libido and I never get erections when out and have not for many years. Low eye contact. I feel sure if I can awaken my libido I can feel my emotions again too. Depression feel like zombie?,Depression +14982,why i have no drugs on me i want to dieeeeeeeeeee i want to overdose really bad,Suicidal +14983,"I am exhausted, with this obnoxious fucking pulse in my arm and with everything that ever represented me. I am supposed to turn 19 on the 30th. it was supposed to be the best year of my life. i promised myself. sick of living with constant anxiety, episodes of rage, extreme mood swings, obsession with drugs, and too many others to talk about right now. i have a full work week ahead (7 days) and I am tired. i do not want to show my face at a place where I am badgered by assholes about 10 extra cents on their purchase. i rarely get a day off anymore and while that is not the point of this post, I am completely spent with everything. the fucked up dynamic of my home life, my empty friendships, my mental state which most likely would never recover even if i did slither down to a hospital or a psychiatrist. i believe the world is only designed for certain people that accomplish certain things. you must be strong enough, you must be persistent. I have tried. and I have fantasized, for a long time. truth be told i doubt I am even strong enough to just finally get this over with already. i do not care if this comes and goes, i cannot cope anymore, i refuse, I am done. I am sorry everyone. knowing me ill probably be back, i really fucking hope not though. this may be it.",Suicidal +14984,"I am at a point in my life where I have sort've just had enough. I do not have many friends and not so long ago, someone closest to me ended his own life. He already had his issues, worse ones than me and he is tried to do it before.. I do not know why it is surprised me so much but now I feel alone. While I was sitting at home playing games and relaxing my best friend was killing himself and that fact kills me. My girlfriend is not around anymore, she was about the only person who truly made me feel happy. Having her around made everything feel better. The entire relationship gave me something I desperately needed, hope that I could be better and confidence, something I always had very little of. Now that is gone too and I blame myself and my issues for it. I have my own issues as well. I have anxiety which has gotten so bad to the point where I cannot go to uni simply because I am scared. Not to mention depression which just feels like it is getting worse and worse by the week. Suicidal thoughts are constant, nowadays. They do not stop. I think about it a lot when I try to sleep and as messed up as it sounds, it is the only thought that comforts me and helps me sleep. I just hate myself nowadays and I genuinely cannot imagine myself ever liking myself.Not so long ago I did some research online on what drugs could because an overdose and decided that was the easiest way to go about it, along with a decent amount of prescription drugs that I have at home. I am truly at the end of my rope. I dislike living and what scares me is the fact that I truly want to die. I feel I have no future. Not so long ago I decided I would wait till after my birthday to do it. Not because I want to be around for my last birthday, but because my grandmother was born on the same day as me and my older brother was born the day prior so I did not want to screw it up for them, but that thoughtfulness is gone and I am about ready to throw my trainwreck of a life away tonight. I do not really have anyone to tell these things to so I figured a bunch of online strangers would not be the worst thing in the world. I am sorry for making this thing longer than it should have. I am no longer interested in living.",Suicidal +14985,"I spend more and more time in my bed as the time goes on. Not because I want to, I just lose strenght to give up. I cannot eat, I cannot shower, it is hard for me to even get up to get on my PC. it is hard to move a muscle, it is like something is sucking energy off me and I have none left to function properly. I am scared, I spend so much time in my room and I feel like I am going to root here to the death. Even if I manage to leave the room I am filled with anxiety, I am scared and want to go back as soon as I leave. I do not know what is going to become of me at this rate. I feel like I am going to be paralyzed at this rate",Depression +14986,"When you are suffering from depression, everyone likes to give advice. Depression is not a brand new thing for me. I have had highs and lows and dealt with it in multiple situations over a period of YEARS. Yes, I have heard of therapy and have am participating in it. Yes, I have tried numerous other methods in the past and currently to try to ease it. What I am not looking for is random advice. I am closed to feedback. Friends and family think they ""know you"" and therefore have some kind of basis for giving advice. However, if you got cancer, they would not be so quick to advise you on a treatment plan, since they have not dealt with it themselves or when they do not have any medical training in the matter.Then why do they feel so free to give me advice for managing my depression? If you have not personally dealt with depression YOURSELF and can speak from your own lived experience, or possibly if you are a very empathetic person who has intimately dealt with this issue with a partner or friend, I AM NOT ACCEPTING ANY FEEDBACK.If I share my emotions, I am simply sharing. I am not asking for someone is ideas on how to ""fix"" said ""problem"". Since I have established this boundary, it is helped a lot. You get a sense of power which is hard to come by with depression. Hope this helps. Boundaries that have really helped me",Depression +14987,"Covid did a real number on me In terms of my mental health, for the past year and a half I have felt isolated, lonely, self conscious etc. I have begun smoking copious amounts of marijuana and drinking to help at times with boredom/sadness and I am only 16. I have been on my meds since December and they have helped in ways but its still so difficult to keep going. Today I woke up to both my mom and brother panicking that they could not find our cat of four years. Our first cat we have ever had and she is been with us for so many journeys and has been a loving companion. We live on a farm with many outdoor cats but we would not let our indoor cats out as often because they did not mingle well with the others. Well our indoor cat, she got out last night because of me. Because I am too selfish and greedy that I could not leave it for one night and had to go smoke, my dumbass left the door open and she left at some point. we have searched all day to no avail, I can tell my brother resents me for this I understand what hes feeling but it still does not take away the pain nor the guilt of losing her. I am not even man enough to admit that I was smoking and that is why she got out. My mom keeps telling me this is a natural part of life and that she suspected that she may have been sick anyways, still does not hurt any less. I have been suicidal for a little while now but to chicken to do anything about it but honestly this was the last thing I needed and it may have been the thing to push me over the edge. I am just so sad and miss her so much already. I do not know if I am going to do it but I am just so done with life and all the shit that is been thrown my way. Sorry for the rant been needing to vent and do not have a therapist to do so with. Thanks for reading.-N I think I am going to kill myself",Depression +14988,"I am tired of everything, I have had so many body issues it makes it unbearable. Two years ago I was unable to use both my arms for a year and 2 months straight while attending college. All the time my arms would hurt constantly. When I wrote with a pencil, typed on computer, everything. I went to go seek help after the semester ended and I was unable to find actual help even through my doctor. Going to a doctor did not change anything. At some point I went to go see my other family for a week and they immediately found out what happened and was able to help me. They were knots on my arms and back. When I came back, i continued the treatment with my dad. Then I started to have this breathing issue on my neck and everything just went back in a circle. I can not really breath anymore. Its stressful and I have no idea if its because of knots are on my neck or just something. On top of all this every job that I try to apply to, that I want never calls back. I am 23 years old and a failure screw this place. I keep trying and nothing happens, i do not even know how a normal body feels like anymore. 3 years of waste. My entire college experience a waste. Just fuck it all Tired of my issues, constantly making me feel like nothing.",Depression +14989,"Everyone kept saying for years that things will get better. Well, I am in my mid 20's. Nothing got better. In fact thing are getting wrose and wrose the more year I spend """"alive"""". I have choosen death by exhaust gas. Now that everything is planned, why do I feel like I am not ready? I really want to die, I am craving to die and I do not want to accept that I am not ready. It feels like I am the closest now to actually do so. Will I be ready to do so when I finish things I promised? My suicide is planned.",Suicidal +14990,"I am struggling severely from an eating disorder and my parents are the actual worst with it, my mom acts caring and then turns a 180 and talks about kicking me out, blaming me for her marriage problems, gaslighting me, and is overall awful. My dad straight up verbally abuses and insults me. They can be great parents sometimes but they are so fucking unsupportive with what I am going through and make me feel like nothing but a burden, I am so done.I am going to overdose on Advil, I tried this last time a week ago and I took the whole bottle but absolutely nothing happened. I only have half a bottle now and I am still going to take it, it probably will not kill me but I am hoping if I do this often enough eventually my liver will fail and fucking kill me if cardiac arrest from my eating disorder does not kill me first. My parents do not love me. I have had two panic attacks today because of them. I just want to fucking die I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I hate my life I do not see a point in living and I feel like a burden",Suicidal +14991,"Lately, I have come to the realization that only the other people in my life are keeping me alive. I do not want to make my family sad, I do not want my friends to talk about me like the elephant in the room, I do not want my pets to be alone. But my will to live is completely gone at this point. I walk down the street without looking hoping a car will just finish me and pray for an accidental death. Something that will not label me as a suicide but I am not so lucky. Nothing specifically happened, I am just tired of feeling like this. It feels like I have been drowning for the last 15+ years and am just now realizing that I drowned a long time ago. But I worry what will happen when I die. My sister has struggled with depression and suicidality for years and I have been her support. I worry that she will take her own life if I do. My mother has always been on the more delicate side and has admitted to me that she never fully recovered from my sisters past suicide attempts. I am not sure she will recover if I die. The list goes on. I have become an important support network for many and its left me with no one to talk to. Its like I am being held hostage by the people around me and I feel so stuck. I wish I could just go away and be forgotten about. I think I have reached my end",Suicidal +14992,Bearing in mind I am 15. Will 30 tabs of Sertraline do it?,Suicidal +14993,"I do not know what to do anymore.. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed from all the expectations and so much things happening around me. I kept on trying to cheer myself up, but it seems that it is not working anymore.. these past few months I have always felt something heavy in my chest and had lots of failed attempts. I want to reach out for help, but I am too tired to connect and scared that they will judge me and say something like ""it is not that big of a problem"" ""you are just being sensitive"" that is why I am here, sharing my on the internet. I just want to be genuinely happy.. I want a hug, is it too much to ask for? I just want someone to give me a hug and say everything's going to be fine",Depression +14994,"When mentioned that i want to study abroad she said that you will travel, try to kill yourself and end up in hell. Funny thing is that might end up being true lol My mom said you will kill yourself and go to hell",Depression +14995,"When I was 11 I was diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety. As I got older my symptoms grew worse as I suffered under numerous traumas. Bereavement of a parent via murder. Emotional abuse by the other parent. Neglect. Rape, seeing someone die right in front of me, and being abandoned aged 15.I was highly traumatised by these events and was diagnosed with other mental disorders including complex PTSD. I went to a small school for children with mental and behavioural difficulties. Until I started college at 16, I had no education beyond primary school age. So I was 11yrs old when I stopped being educated.I was still put through for Maths and English GCSEs despite the lack of education. I got a C in English and an F in maths. I still do not know why the fuck I thought to do a mixed construction and engineering course at college just months after failing maths The sad truth was, I was only picked to do that course because I was 1 of 4 women out of over a 100 boys in that department. Nobody else in my class had below a D in maths, most had A-Cs.I did maths in my first year alongside my Level 2 course and failed. In my second year (my now level 3 course) with the help of a very kind teacher I managed to get a C in maths.During my actual course I struggled very hard. 4 non practical exams and a few practical ones. I was weak and I would never even held a drill in my life, but I tried so hard to learn. I would cry before and after my practical day, which was a Tuesday. My teachers did not know my full background obviously, but I was severely scarred all over my body from obvious self harm and my uncle was my next of kin, so it was obvious I had not had it easy. I would come in 2hrs early and I spent the summers working in the workshop to learn more. I barely passed in my first year. In my second year I did well. In my 3rd year I was in the top 3 of my class.In my second and third year I volunteered at a local charity shop every Saturday. I was helping with general stocking shelves and talking to customers, but I was contributing to helping this private charity taking care of abused dogs. I felt confident enough to study a particular niche type of engineering, it was a university course.I dropped out within 2 months because I could not cope. Different teachers, much harder work, different classemates. And the development of a very painful chronic pain condition.My life spiralled. I was running out of money and was too ashamed to go onto benefits, so I attempted suicide.I went onto benefits eventually. I was finally diagnosed after months of going to the drs with pain and being told to just take ibuprofen. Eventually after moving to a different GP surgery I was referred to a specialist and given painkillers. it is been 3 years. I am on PIP and universal credit. it is took 3years of being under a psychiatrist and being given all kinds of antidepressants and an antipsychotic to actually be told I need therapy. Took 3years of begging before they referred me to a psychology service. I am starting EMDR next week. I am waiting for treatment after waiting years for the pain clinic to suggest a course of action.Yet I hate it. I judge myself and those around me judge me. I am a burden on society. I have never worked an actual job. My anxiety that I spent years working on is so bad I sometimes cannot even leave the house. My self harm started after I stopped for years. I am on so many medications that many drs have expressed concern. I am diabetic, which they think is related to my untreated PCOS and that I spent years on a particular antipsychotic that can because it. I still do not know what type I am. I do not even care anymore. I pay (pre payment card) for my mountain of prescriptions because I feel too guilty and ashamed to tick the universal credit option.I hate how my life has turned out. And I am too sick, too anxious, too depressed and traumatised to change anything I am 23 and a burden to society",Suicidal +14996,"really feel like my therapy is not working out. I am not sure if I am the one in the wrong, and I am trying to look at it from all perspectives, so please help me out. I have been with this therapist since february 2020, almost a year and a half. I am a minor and did not want to go to therapy but after being baker acted for a suicide attempt my parents forced me to start with this new therapist. i immediately told my parents i did not like her and i wanted to switch. they did not listen. in the past year and a half i have begged so many times and they refuse to let me switch. they say she has worked with hundreds of kids and is the best in the city. after a year and a half, i am so so so much worse, and while i do not at all blame her for that because that is mostly due to myself and my mental illness, she has offered no help or support at all and has only made me feel worse. i have never felt like we clicked, i feel like she does not understand what I am trying to say. i talk about myself and how i feel and she tells me i am wrong. ljke she is telling me how she thinks i feel instead of listening to me talk. she constantly gets mad at me for not trying hard enough even though i have repeatedly told her that it is hard for me. i struggle with social anxiety so it is hard for me to open up to strangers. she often asks me if there is anything i would like to talk about and then gets mad at me when i say no, even though i have told her i am too anxious to bring my own subjects to talk about. i feel scared about saying the wrong things to her because of how she will react. if she deems that I am not trying hard enough she gets my parents involved and tells them to be very strict with me, even though she knows that we do not have the best relationship and in the past it has only made things worse. i finish all my homework with maximum effort and she still complains that I am not trying. if she does not think I am trying she calls me spoiled and selfish because I am not using the resources I am given which i totally understand that I am very lucky to have parents that can afford and care enough to put me in therapy, but being called spoiled and selfish for not trying even though i am just sends me into a downward spiral of self hatred and makes my depression so much worse. when i tell her about my suicidal thoughts she says I am just glamourizing/ glorifying death and that i think its cool. which is rlly invalidating because she is basically saying I am suicidal for attention and because i think its cool. and when i try to calmly explain that i do not at all think its cool, but i feel so trapped that i do not see any other way out and I am in so much unbearable pain that i cannot survive anymore she tells me no i think you are just glamorizing it which upsets me further. she tells me to choose happiness which again, i get where she is coming from because i know that choosing to have a positive mindset is important to beating depression, but i tell her that its rlly hard for me because no matter how hard i try to be happy i end up even more miserable, she tells me that its my fault for not trying hard enough and that if i wanted to be positive and happy i would. she constantly points out my flaws and not in a therapeutic way. like when she starts session she always says hey how are you and i said I am good, how are you to be polite she says ugh that is not what you are supposed to say you have to tell me how your week was, this is why i say you do not even try. if you keep this up I am going to have to tell your parents you are not trying. also, the thing that is currently bothering me the most is her trying to discuss a disorder. now firstly, when she brought it up she said i could reject the diagnosis (non-verbal learning disorder). she told my mom and some teachers too to get multiple perspectives. everyone she talked to (parents, teachers, etc) said that it does not sound like me at all and i meet none of the criteria. i talked to her about it and said hey i really do not feel like i fit this at all, but I am open to the diagnosis and would love to hear why you think i have this. if i have NVLD i would love to be diagnosed and get treatment but i do not want to be misdiagnosed especially because no one who knows me thinks i have the symptoms. so i tried to listen to her with an open mind but the things she said were complete bullshit. like she went over the symptoms list and just said completely false things (like things that just never happened) and refused to listen when i told her that is not what happened for example, last november i was at rock bottom, so suicidal and was failing out of school, so my parents switched me to a small private school with ten kids in my grade. i was so so so angry at them. also, on top of this the kids were actually insane (on my first day there one of them lied about being in sandy hook and another followed me through the parking garage). anyways, i was very angry and sad so instead of hanging out with the other kids during lunch break, i went up to the pharmacy and bought bottles of pills so i could try to kill myself. i spent most of my lunch breaks loooking for ways or places to kill myself because my family was being very unsupportive and i was not allowed to see my friends and i was going through so much. anyways, my therapist brought this up. and she said kids with NVLD often are loners or isolate themselves and are socially awkward. you going off on your own during lunch shows this behavior.l and i said i was literally trying to KILL MYSELF how are you going to use that as an example??! and she was like i think its fair to use that as evidence you have NVLD and all of her examples were like this!! and i was like there is literally no solid evidence and no one else who ACTUALLY KNOWS ME thinks i have this disorder its complete bullshit if you have real reasons fine but its not fair to use lies to make this claim instead of listening to me. i just feel like it would be way more helpful and productive if i could explain how my brain works and how i interpret things and she tells me if that aligns with NVLD. but when i try that she says yeah that does not seem like NVLD but i still think you have it. like when she asks me a question and i say i do not know because i do not like being put on the spot she says that that is not understanding broad concepts so i automatically have NVLD. its just so frustrating. i told her I have done so much research and watched so many videos about people talking about their experiences with NVLD and how it affects them and i relate to NONE OF IT and she does not listen. my mom has done the same thing and says she does not see how it relates to me because I am good at reading social cues, knowing what to say, am good at making friends, grasp concepts well, etc. it makes me really mad that she refuses to listen. she makes me feel so horrible about myself. every session with her makes me hate her and hate myself. I have begged my parents to quit and they will not let me. idk what to do. am i in the wrong (therapy)?",Depression +14997,"I am on vacation. It was a fine vacation I guess. Lots went wrong but I guess it was fine. I had a full on breakdown last night into this morning because I cannot go back to my workplace. they are so abusive and do not care about me even though they claim to be my friends. They literally admit to my face that they are the worst to me and that they know why my mental health is so bad and then say well fuck you still. I said I needed one last positive day on our trip, I was going to go work on my resume and start applying for jobs while I waited at the airport. Instead of a good day we got completely rained out. Like the water is up to my ankles and our last day in a Disney park ended up a complete mess. I left things for us to do today and we got to do none of them. It literally could not have gone worse. I think its just a sign from above saying you cannot have this day, its not going to get better so accept it and do what you have wanted to do. I needed the day to go well for any motivation that things could get better and instead the whole day is ruined. A sign from above that I am not wanted here anymore",Suicidal +14998,"i feel like no matter what i do, everything just fucks up. nothing i do is right. there is no right answer. i do not know what i did wrong. I am just so tired of it all. i want everything to go back to normal. i feel like such a fucking idiot bc its happening again. I am tired. i want it to stop. but i know its worse for the ones around me. i want them to stop too. i want everything to stop. I am so tired",Suicidal +14999,"So, frequently my sui desires relate to I just cannot fathom having a decent life in a world as messed up as having climate change, sex trafficking rampant, two separate justice systems for the poor and rich, police brutality, tens of millions of starving people in the world, so many homeless, so little empathy for such people with a ""pull yourself up by your bootstraps"" mentality by so many people, or a country that throws indebted suicidal people into more debt with psych hospital bills, the rise of hate groups, corporatism, etc etc.Given my mental illnesses too, there is no way I can be successful or happy in a dystopian world. Anyone without such mental illnesses and born with wealth are going to soak up anything I contribute anyways. So, can anyone give me reason why I should live for enriching other people at my own expense? Could someone share with me reasons the world to become better soon?",Suicidal +15000,"I do not want to do this anymore I feel like I should end it. Everything sucks. Jobs is wage slavery, family does not care, no friends, no relationship. No joy anymore from doing things I really want to end it",Depression +15001,"All I hear is ""Think of who you hurt!"" Oh yeah? What if everyone in my life is an abusive, selfish piece of trash and I have no prospects outside of my crypto going 10x in value? that is all I have. Money. But will it fix this black space where there should be loving people. And before you judge and think I am not a good person to be friends with, I am. I have been an amazing person to my friends but there is just something about me that repels people. I cannot help it. No matter how much I buy people, or fix their mental health, or get them on the right supplements and in the right investments.. I get dumped like I am nothing. NOTHING. Why would I want to hurt them all? I want them to hurt. I want them to know how much damage they inflicted on me. I want them to change. My death will be the catalyst to others changing their abusive and selfish behaviour. Why are people so cruel to those who help them?",Suicidal +15002,Anyone open to chat? Hey,Suicidal +15003,"I have come to terms that I am too ugly and worthless to be deserving of any woman's attention. cannot even get a fwb. Its settled, I will kill myself and I will make it gory as humanly possible. I am sorry if I was not good looking enough for you all Still alive, sadly",Suicidal +15004,"really feel like my therapy is not working out. I am not sure if I am the one in the wrong, and I am trying to look at it from all perspectives, so please help me out. I have been with this therapist since february 2020, almost a year and a half. I am a minor and did not want to go to therapy but after being baker acted for a suicide attempt my parents forced me to start with this new therapist. i immediately told my parents i did not like her and i wanted to switch. they did not listen. in the past year and a half i have begged so many times and they refuse to let me switch. they say she has worked with hundreds of kids and is the best in the city. after a year and a half, i am so so so much worse, and while i do not at all blame her for that because that is mostly due to myself and my mental illness, she has offered no help or support at all and has only made me feel worse. i have never felt like we clicked, i feel like she does not understand what I am trying to say. i talk about myself and how i feel and she tells me i am wrong. ljke she is telling me how she thinks i feel instead of listening to me talk. she constantly gets mad at me for not trying hard enough even though i have repeatedly told her that it is hard for me. i struggle with social anxiety so it is hard for me to open up to strangers. she often asks me if there is anything i would like to talk about and then gets mad at me when i say no, even though i have told her i am too anxious to bring my own subjects to talk about. i feel scared about saying the wrong things to her because of how she will react. if she deems that I am not trying hard enough she gets my parents involved and tells them to be very strict with me, even though she knows that we do not have the best relationship and in the past it has only made things worse. i finish all my homework with maximum effort and she still complains that I am not trying. if she does not think I am trying she calls me spoiled and selfish because I am not using the resources I am given which i totally understand that I am very lucky to have parents that can afford and care enough to put me in therapy, but being called spoiled and selfish for not trying even though i am just sends me into a downward spiral of self hatred and makes my depression so much worse. when i tell her about my suicidal thoughts she says I am just glamourizing/ glorifying death and that i think its cool. which is rlly invalidating because she is basically saying I am suicidal for attention and because i think its cool. and when i try to calmly explain that i do not at all think its cool, but i feel so trapped that i do not see any other way out and I am in so much unbearable pain that i cannot survive anymore she tells me no i think you are just glamorizing it which upsets me further. she tells me to choose happiness which again, i get where she is coming from because i know that choosing to have a positive mindset is important to beating depression, but i tell her that its rlly hard for me because no matter how hard i try to be happy i end up even more miserable, she tells me that its my fault for not trying hard enough and that if i wanted to be positive and happy i would. she constantly points out my flaws and not in a therapeutic way. like when she starts session she always says hey how are you and i said I am good, how are you to be polite she says ugh that is not what you are supposed to say you have to tell me how your week was, this is why i say you do not even try. if you keep this up I am going to have to tell your parents you are not trying. also, the thing that is currently bothering me the most is her trying to discuss a disorder. now firstly, when she brought it up she said i could reject the diagnosis (non-verbal learning disorder). she told my mom and some teachers too to get multiple perspectives. everyone she talked to (parents, teachers, etc) said that it does not sound like me at all and i meet none of the criteria. i talked to her about it and said hey i really do not feel like i fit this at all, but I am open to the diagnosis and would love to hear why you think i have this. if i have NVLD i would love to be diagnosed and get treatment but i do not want to be misdiagnosed especially because no one who knows me thinks i have the symptoms. so i tried to listen to her with an open mind but the things she said were complete bullshit. like she went over the symptoms list and just said things that were completely false (like things that just never happened) and refused to listen when i told her that is not what happened for example, last november i was at rock bottom, so suicidal and was failing out of school, so my parents switched me to a small private school with ten kids in my grade. i was so so so angry at them. also, on top of this the kids were actually insane (on my first day there one of them lied about being in sandy hook and another followed me through the parking garage). anyways, i was very angry and sad so instead of hanging out with the other kids during lunch break, i went up to the pharmacy and bought bottles of pills so i could try to kill myself. i spent the majority of my lunch breaks loooking for ways or places to kill myself because at the time my family was being very unsupportive and i was not allowed to see my friends and i was going through so much. anyways, my therapist brought this up. and she said kids with NVLD often are loners or isolate themselves and are socially awkward. you going off on your own during lunch shows this behavior.l and i said i was literally trying to KILL MYSELF how are you going to use that as an example??! and she was like i think its fair to use that as evidence you have NVLD and all of her examples were like this!! and i was like there is literally no solid evidence and no one else who ACTUALLY KNOWS ME thinks i have this disorder its complete bullshit if you have real reasons fine but its not fair to use lies to make this claim instead of listening to me. i just feel like it would be way more helpful and productive if i could explain how my brain works and how i interpret things and she tells me if that aligns with NVLD. but when i try that she says yeah that does not seem like NVLD but i still think you have it. like when she asks me a question and i say i do not know because i do not like being put on the spot she says that that is not understanding broad concepts so i automatically have NVLD. its just so frustrating. i told her I have done so much research and watched so many videos about people talking about their experiences with NVLD and how it affects them and i relate to NONE OF IT and she does not listen. my mom has done the same thing and also says she does not see how it relates to me because I am good at reading social cues, know what to say, am good at making friends, grasp concepts well, etc. it makes me really mad that she refuses to listen. she makes me feel so horrible about myself. every session with her makes me hate her and hate myself. I have begged my parents to quit and they will not let me. idk what to do. am i in the wrong (therapy)?",Suicidal +15005,I just bombed another job interview. I did not study at all and felt like a complete idiot. I just do not care anymore and feel like everybody is against me. I think about killing myself everyday so that I do not have to suffer anymore. How do people with major depression function? I feel like I am in a nightmare. I have never felt this low.,Depression +15006,"Right now I am on vacation with my parents and my sister, on Saturday we are coming back to home. In my other post I said that I am going to kill myself this year. I think I am going to do it when we are back. I want this to end",Suicidal +15007,"let us face it, there is very little good in the world. The things that keep us going is just some false hope that things will get better but they do not get better. The world is a cold place, one where nobody gives a fuck about you.. Nobody truly understands you, we are alone inside our heads, trapped in a prison of torment, a merry-go-round of hell.. The only reprieve is from drugs, but the price for that is more future torment. it is like a sick joke.. To believe otherwise is just burying my head in the sand. it is comforting to believe in positivity, but it is also comforting to believe in fairy tales.. I cannot live and I cannot die. I am barely carrying on. Every time I start picking up the peices, life knocks them back down again.. After years and years I have come to realize that this is my destiny. My only fear is that death brings no respite, only deeper versions of hell.. To ""see the positive in things"" is delusional..",Suicidal +15008,The only thing you look forward to is sleep. I wish i could live in a dream You know you are depressed when,Depression +15009,"I am absolutely exhausted and I cannot deal with any more people. Right now I locked myself in my room with my knife ready. I do not know why I cannot use it anymore, I have used it plenty of times before. I am drinking so I have the courage to actually do so. Maybe it is because I will not feel the pain as much, maybe it is so I will not feel this small feeling of hope I have found recently even if I know it is not going to work out. I do not even know what I am trying to achieve by writing this, maybe I just want some attention, I do not know. What am I doing?",Depression +15010,"I moved out of state away from all my friends a year ago and I still have no friends. I am in summer school but do not have time because of work. I work 8-12 hours pretty much 6 days a week. My parents are constantly hounding me to do school. I have dreams and hopes that one day I can have a family but I just do not see that happening. Maybe my judgement is clouded but I really do not see it happening. I do not feel comfortable sharing with my parents or anyone. I used to see a counselor and she said that it was likely that I had depression, OCD, and Anxiety. Literally one of my biggest dreams in life was to have a family but I am socially awkward and have not met any new friends in the past year so I do not know how that could possibly happen. I met this girl online and I we were in a relationship but she recently said she did not want to be in a relationship anymore because she does not want the stress of being in an LDR relationship. She constantly talks about how ugly she is, and how she despises how she looks and feels. Yet she just expects to still be friends without an issue. We always talked about how our lives were going to be together. I feel no hope anymore. She always opens up to me yet I do not open up to anyone. I am sorry if this is just rambling. I feel trapped and lost",Suicidal +15011,I cannot handle this alone. Everyone just tells me to call the hotline and I am sick of that. I need someone to talk to I am scared ; (,Depression +15012,"I am an emo teen boy. And my life went downhill in 2021. Summer 2020 was amazing, AMAZING. But since 2021 began my life went from AMAZING to trash. I lost some good friends, a VERY good friend died, many people that were my friends were fake and other very important personal things that i cannot say happened, and now my bff is not the same as hr used to be, and i told him some VERY big secrets and things and he told them to many people, and in the past he listened to me and tried to help me and make me feel better when i told him how i feel, but now he just laughed and called me ""pussy"" and other things. I just want to die",Suicidal +15013,I keep going back and forth with my decision to end my life and I cannot find peace. Sometimes I find reasons to hold on when I talk to people or hear other perspectives but then I always go back and remember the reasons why I want to end it I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. I am in the hole multiple ways financially and I do not really have any friends or family members to talk to anymore. I am living in a rental car but I cannot keep up with the payments so I am about to be officially homeless and thinking I should invest in camping gear. But that is sounds just like and endless trap. I keep going back and forth,Suicidal +15014,"it is tough, Living a life you did not ask for, nor desire. Living as to not hurt others is not living at all. Living a life for others",Suicidal +15015,"Just need to share this somewhere. Not sure why I feel like I need to live up to something, like I need to prove that I am capable of being successful. Despite having a chaos-free, generous life- it feels like my life peaked in high school (even though I felt just as worthless back then).Its almost like I have not been genuinely EXCITED about anything in a long time. I have not cared to try and improve myself or embrace a new project or do SOMETHING to make my life feel better.This all seems so trivial when comparing it to the problems of the world. It always feels pointless to share feeling bad about myself with people because at the end of the day, I am privileged to live such a cozy life and do not think its right to complain about my pride when others have to worry if they can feed their starving family or whether they will be harassed or assaulted today.I have picked up drawing as a hobby and I have an idea for a book finally outlined, so I have got to admit things are slowly starting to get better. I just did not know how difficult this whole self-actualization thing was going to be or why I care about it so much.******So there, I shared. Hopefully, I can start to think clearly again and worry less about my accomplishments and social status and just be happy to be alive. Thanks for listening. I hope others who feel stuck in a similar internal conflict can find peace. Realized that I am probably going to plateau for the rest of my life",Depression +15016,I have rarely been spending time with other people and now I have a bit of extra time and I am looking to take a break from my own life for a bit and I am trying to take steps to ease my depression.What are some small to big things I can do for other people or people close to me. (Besides giving money because I have none)For example. I offered my elderly relatives to do all their grocery shopping but none of them wanted to accept my offer. It may seem unwise to look for good deeds and instead let them come to you but what are some anyway such as cooking meals for people maybe? What are some good deeds?,Depression +15017,And how much does it hurt? How much paracetamol does it take to kill you?,Suicidal +15018,my dog is the only reason i have not killed myself well,Suicidal +15019,"Once in a while, I go on Instagram/Snapchat. I see a bunch of my (irl) friends re-posting things like ""this user is depressed"" and a ton of other depression/mental illness related posts on their public stories. Some of them post monthly ""mood reports"". The happiness level is always very low, and the anxiety level is up there. I really try not to, but a part of me thinks they are faking it. Though I obviously should not jump to conclusions so fast. there is also a part of me that believes them, and I cannot help but envy them for their confidence. How can they post things like that for everyone to see, when I give it my all to hide how I am feeling every day? I can just imagine the other viewers replying to their stories like ""Are you doing alright? I am here to talk."" and frankly, that makes me so envious and and longing for someone, anyone other than strangers on this app to talk to. It makes me sick to my stomach and I hate it, because I know I am being extremely selfish when I think about the way I am probably suffering just as much as they are, but they have support and I do not. I do not have anyone to lean on. I have not told a single person since the day I started feeling this way. I wish I could just muster up the courage to tell a family member or a friend. But the thought alone makes me sick to my stomach. So for now (and probably until the day I die), I will have to fight depression alone. My friends are so confident in sharing their depression",Depression +15020,"I have been wanting to go gliding for the longest time and now that summer has come along I took some time off work and a half day gliding experience for today.Whenever I have felt suicidal lately the only thing that would make me feel better was knowing that I would finally get to experience it.Today I woke up at 9am ecstatic, it took me 2+ hours and 50 to get to the location but I was determined to make it happen.I waited around 3 hours for my turn (I was last) and then when my turn came up the instructors said a storm cloud was coming in and it would be too risky to launch, so he discontinued it and both of my flights were cancelled.I felt so heartbroken and travelled all the way back home feeling emptier than ever. Everything I had been so hyped for just came crashing down and now I do not know how long until I can book time off to try again.The only good thing was that the guy who went before me told me that he has terminal cancer and this was one of the things on his bucket list, so I was not hesitant about letting him go before me.I just wanted to vent my feelings sorry if this is a long post, I just feel like everything has gone to shit and I do not know how to feel better about it...TL;DR: My gliding experience got cancelled last minute after 7 hours of waiting because of a storm cloud Today was supposed to be my happiest day all year, it turned out to be the worst",Suicidal +15021,"I am disabled and the jobs I can do are very limited. However, I am not disabled enough to be able to collect disability payments. The shit job I currently have is enough to pay my share of rent and my phone bill. I have no money after that and no energy left to get another job. I still live at home, cannot afford my own groceries or a car. I can see no future situation where Ill be anything other than broke and miserable because I cannot afford to live in any different situation than the one I am currently in.Why do I have to keep doing this? Why do I have to be here for this? what is the point in sticking around if the entire time I am going to be stressed out and miserable because I cannot afford to fucking eat? Fuck this, I am tired. I cannot afford to be alive so why the fuck should I",Suicidal +15022,"A (very) brief summary of my story:I am a 28 year old male who has suffered from MDD, bipolarity, and mania for roughly 15 years. I experienced a lot of tragedy and trauma as a child/teenager and well, it stuck, hard.In 2010 I attempted to kill myself and was fortunately unsuccessful, although a part of me wishes it had gone as planned.I was homeless for a long time and a few years ago I turned my life around. I mean like, really turned my life around. During that period I met the love of my life. She is from South America and I am from the usa, so things were difficult for us, to say the least. But, we were making it happen We got engaged in February 2020. I have never been happier. Then covid hit. Which made things much much more difficult. Yet, we still managed to get here.Yesterday she unexpectedly decided she no longer wanted to marry me. For reasons completely out of my control. I am currently researching how to sell the engagement ring I never got the opportunity to give herKill me with a tire iron please I cannot wait to die",Depression +15023,"I am moving into my partners home, after being trapped with my ex-fiancee and her family, where I am not welcome to be anywhere but my room. as moving day gets closer, the worse i feel. I have been suicidal before, but I have never felt so serious. so content. my new partner means the world to me, he is kind, caring, and he understands me, but I am scared I am not good enough, I am to broken, to be with him. that ill only weigh him down. that he is better off without me, though i know he would not agree. i do not know if I am going to be able to talk myself out of it anymore, and there is no where else for me to go. everyone tells me there is better options, but there is not. its either live my life as my exes pet, move here and ruin the life of the best person I have ever met, or end it all. and i cannot be her pet anymore, and i cannot ruin him.I am out if options i do not know what to do",Suicidal +15024,"I should be doing all kinds of stuff, but I can hardly be arsed to do even one. All day long I just check my phone and procrastinate. This is the worst bout of depression I have ever had. How do I get myself to care again, because I do not. Cycle of unproductivity",Depression +15025,"I was born and raised in a big city. Where ever I go, it always seems like everybody around me has *someone* accompanying them. The bar, the zoo, the museum, etc. *Everybody* is always with at least one other person. Rarely ever do I see people going on solo adventures, like me. they are always either in a group of friends, have kids with them, or they are with their partner. Whereas all of my friends either do not live in my city anymore or they have tight schedules that make it difficult for us to plan hanging out. So because of that, I have only been able to go on solo adventures. It feels so isolating, always being surrounded by couples/groups every time I go out by myself. I wish I had a friend who could accompany me to those places. Loneliness in a city full of thousands of people",Depression +15026,"I have been really struggling this past year with sadness. It started with a bad break up and not getting into the college I wanted. I know this shit sound super stupid and like a small deal but it has affected me really hard. I started going on week long benders of drinking to the point I spend hours recovering from the hangover. My relationship with family is a mess, my mom and I do not talk a lot and my dad has expressed his disappointment in me. My best friend has moved to another country and the ones that stayed are busy and I do not keep in touch with them as much as I would want to. I have tried reaching out to many people but I just do not feel comfortable disclosing my feelings to people I know. Man I know this shit has to end but I just feel so shitty every time a wake up and before I sleep. I have gotten really out of shape and gained around 30 pounds this last year and lost all my motivation to work out. Hope to find my rhythm soon and get better but its been really difficult Very lost",Depression +15027,I cannot even accept any criticism. I am so weak. Even a tiny comment or just a bad tone of voice makes me want to die. What is wrong with me. I know you need to get used to it. I just cannot anymore. I cannot draw anymore... I am so weak. Because of small criticism... I could not dare to draw again. Because of the critism my family and good friend gave. I could not anymore. I wish i can forget it and try drawing... I could not do it. I could not i could not i could not. I am so useless. cannot even deal with criticism... Criticism makes me want to die,Depression +15028,I feel I am on the verge of a breakdown. I am in so much pain. SO much pain. I want to scream it hurts so bad. I cannot do anything about it. Why is nothing getting better or at least easier? I am desperate,Depression +15029,what is a drug to overdose on quick Overdose,Suicidal +15030,"Before I had depression, I was smart and bubbly. I loved to learn but I was also creative. Growing up, I won art competitions quite often. I liked to sketch and I just found it peaceful and therapeutic. There was just a lot that I was interested in.And now I am nothing like that person. Academics are hard because I am too depressed to try. I stopped sketching the second I became depressed. I never got back into it because its no longer interesting to me anymore.I do not feel like me. I have not felt like me in almost 4 yrs. And honestly losing yourself is so painful. I miss myself",Depression +15031,When people say 'it gets better'. they are lying to me. I have been hearing it for three years. But it has not gotten better. it is gotten worse. And worse. And worse.I am done. And I am ready to do what I always wanted to. I am ready to pass on. it is a lie. A good intentioned lie.,Suicidal +15032,"I have been up all night almost every night last week. I posted before what my plan was.I have been passing the hours smoking, drinking, doing blow and writing over and over my suicide letter. I backed out of getting the gun after my birthday because my partner found out. Today, I am going to put my name back in. All I can think about is getting that gun, driving to the coast and pull the trigger. I do not think I can do this anymore. I wish I had not backed out, I would have it by now. I will finish this smoke and go. Up all night last week",Suicidal +15033,"I have lost my girlfriend of three years, she kissed my friends, everyone I know has left my life, and I am here. Love feels dead. I just wish I could go a day without tears. This world feels so empty",Depression +15034,"I am so sad. Everything in my work life is going fine, but my personal life is a wreck. No one ever takes me seriously because I am the funny friend. I do not want to talk to anyone anymore. I just want to die sometimes. Please help me. I have never had this feeling in my entire life. Why am I so sad",Depression +15035,I have major chronic depression that does not go away no matter what I fucking do!!! I am so sick of this shit. Wtf am I alive for Food does not even taste good anymore,Depression +15036,"I was on a bus trip for a football weekend a while back. As expected, all the guys were laughing, drinking beer and having a grand ole' time. Except me. I was going through a very difficult situation at that time and was having an emotional meltdown.After I was through the worst of it, I had a long talk with my uncle, who is a priest and super great guy. I asked him how all of my pain and heartache could possibly be God's will. And how could anything good ever come from this?He explained to me that one good thing that can come from our suffering is that we can become much more compassionate towards other people. And when they are hurting, we can empathize more with them and be better at supporting them. He added that through these difficult times, we can also develop a healthy kind of humility, which also can make us better for all of the people around us.So as we deal with our own personal struggles, can we make something positive out of this pain by developing more compassion and humility?? And therefore be better people for our family, friends and others?? Can Something Good Come Out Of All This Pain??",Depression +15037,"I turned 19 a week ago and I am currently on summer break till next month when I go back to college, I have found that my depression gets really bad when I come home especially during summer break because its longer than other breaks. I feel so much better when I am on my own in my dorm its like I can finally breathe for a while, then I come home and after a week I am reminded why I cannot stand it there. My mother switches from saying she missed me to calling me the laziest person she knows, saying she wish she never had me, hitting me, throwing my things away without asking me then insulting me when I get upset, and so much more. My siblings and my dad do not really care and when I complain my older sister gaslights me and says, she is going through a lot and she works hard so what if she takes it out on you?. My mom and dad said they do not want me to go back to my dorm but its mandatory for sophomores anyway so I am going to end up going and I am going to save up to move out permanently, I cannot wait to go back to school, I neither crying or I am numb I hate it here and I feel so powerless. Trigger for Me",Depression +15038,"I go back to work today, had some time off for mental health (body issues, alcohol, depression, you name it)... and I am absolutely terrified, anxiety levels are not okay. I honestly do not know how people work stressful jobs, stay sober, and keep health a priority. It sounds pathetic that I am 29 years old and still find adulting so hard. I just feel like there has to be more than this. The endless loop of dragging your ass to work, being excited to have time off work, then dreading the next work day so much you cannot even enjoy your time off. I dunno... I am ranting here. Work life balance.",Depression +15039,what can i take to overdose quick Overdose,Depression +15040,And researching how to sell the engagement ring I bought for my (ex) fianc while simultaneously being somewhat relieved because I need money desperately Currently living my worst nightmare,Depression +15041,Some people do not realize therapy and counselling does not fix or help depression. I do have anger issues but that is only because the ignorance of others. No therapist can fix or help my depression as its a chemical imbalance. I posted saying I am tired of people preaching therapy then got a ton of people say otherwise. I hate people. Ill be glad when I leave this earth. Fuck everybody,Depression +15042,"I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts/ideations since I was 10, now in my late 20's. I have not been able to keep a relationship going for man than 3 months and the reason for that is definitely my depression. I believe whoever I am dating at the time is blind sided by One of my episodes. I cannot blame them for wanting out haha I want out of my head too!With that little bit of context I wanted to ask how others have approached telling your SO about your depression. How much did you tell them and did you tell them at the start or wait?The biggest issue I see with telling someone early is dumping too much at once (trauma dumping) which puts them in an uncomfortable position. Telling them later you risk them finding out the not so fun way.Any thoughts appreciated. This is a throw away account btw, idk if mods care or not. When starting a relationship is being upfront about your depression healthier or is pretending?",Depression +15043,Being alive is just so pointless. Wake up just to work 40 hours a week just to sustain my misery. Makes absolutely 0 sense. I just want to be actually able to feel again I cannot fucking take my existence,Suicidal +15044,I feel empty and numb and sad all the time it is finally gotten to me if I could I would shoot myself yesterday was the first day I truly considered using a knife what happened to me I used to be unbreakable I was empty and numb and sad but still wanted to live now it is gone my will to live left me and now I am more empty than I have ever been Misery so hollow,Suicidal +15045,"My life has become worthless. I had the chance to start anew, but I hate who I am becoming. Afraid, angry, disassociated every waking moment maybe it was not the beginning of a new life, just the end, and all I am doing is prolonging it. Everyone I knew and loved is gone, just because I left their fucking cult. there is nothing that makes me want to stay I hope when the deed is done, nobody will remember me A means to an end",Suicidal +15046,Were in a heatwave in the UK right now and my mood seems to be worse than ever. I almost feel disassociated with a baseline of anxiety and panic and total uncertainty. Anyone else finding the heat and the sun making their depressive symptoms worse? Hot Weather - Symptoms Worse,Depression +15047,"I am a 26 years old(M). My father left me when I was very young. My mom usually abused me because of her temper issue and feeling like I am in a living despair.I feel useless and I got stuck in this country with no job or any opportunity because I got alienated and could not process my papers for a job....I did alot of things in my life, I got into real estate, networking and any bunch of stuff that is freelance.I got scammed alot and tooked advantage of. Currently I do not know what I am doing with my life and eventually want to die. I have no motivation at all and dying seems like a very option to me now. what is the point of living??",Suicidal +15048,"i always make the same poor decisions. i wait to the last minute to do my work, i do not exercise that often, i have a bad diet, and i stay up too late. I am irresponsible and lazy.i do not have any skills or talents. I am bad at everything and i feel useless. i have no friends. my messages are pretty empty, and sometimes it makes me feel lonely.i feel like I will never be successful, because i always sabatoge myself, and avoid my problems.i do not think I am cut out for this world. i feel like a dumbass who will never be able to accomplish anything. i hate myself so much",Suicidal +15049,I just cut again after 7 days lmao I am so fucking pathetic I am laughing when I should be crying,Depression +15050,"I do not know what to do. I am freaking out right now. I could not go through with it because I was too scared. Tried to drink alcohol to sooth the fear and anxiety while I attempted to hang myself but it did not work, I still could not end my life. I am really scared right now. I am restless and freaking out. My family will not understand and I have no friends so I have no one to talk to. I have attempted suicide a few times over the past couple of days but I cannot bring myself to do it",Suicidal +15051,"This might be a silly question, but does anyone elses depression feel absolutely unbearable at certain times of the day? I noticed particularly in the morning I feel so sad, depressed, and practically suicidal it scares the life out of me. It tends to get better as the day goes on, but its still very hard to get through and almost feels like something is wrong. Perhaps I am a newbie to clinical depression but my god does it hurt. I started medication too but it feels like my low moments just keep getting worse too. Unbearable depression at certain parts of the day?",Depression +15052,Trying to make sure people do not hear or see you crying is the worst. Crying silently,Depression +15053,"I take 150mg of Bupropion twice a day. At night its fine, but I am the morning it causes such drowsiness that I have to get up a couple hours before I would normally get up for work. Take my morning meds then 30 minutes later lay down for another hour or so just to not fall asleep at work. I was on abilify years ago and bupropion at the same time. Id take abilify in AM and bupropion in PM. 5mg abilify and 300mg bupropion. I am not sure how to ask my doc. she is not really versed in mental health medications. I can go see her boss the actual MD she is an FNP but he has very little openings. I would like to get back on my regiment from a few years back when I felt great. But its already a lot of meds I am on. I take 5 in the AM and 8 plus 2 supplements at night. I just do not know. I just know I cannot keep going like this. I feel great have very few days of even depression anymore but the dang drowsiness is killer. Medication Question",Depression +15054,"Hello...My Name is Lia, I am turning 17 in August and I have struggled with mental illness since I was 11. I have tried so hard to get help and have been to over 10 therapists in 6 years. Teachers, parents, friends I have tried talking to all of them but they either do not listen/care or give up on me (mostly teachers in that case) saying I am to difficult.I have self harmed since age 11 as well but was clean for 2 years at one point due to my mum threatening to leave if she saw me do it a third time (she caught me twice at that point). I was admitted to hospital by my school in 2019 (I am in college now in the UK) and was discharged the same day because my father told me to lie (to which I did) and the doctors said my cuts needed to be deeper in order for me to be depressed. I recently relapsed into self harm again and nobody seems to notice. My friends mother even told me to my face that I was not going to commit suicide because she said I am not that severe. there is much more to my story...so much more I could write a book. I have a very limited life. I get the highest grades possible and generally try to be a decent human being. I have strict and controlling parents who would rather ignore my mental health just to keep their good parental status.I am on the brink...I planned my suicide a few months ago but not sure if I will go through with it (only 2 people are aware of this). I feel trapped and confused. I cannot get a mental diagnosis because my parents would have to get involved and I want to keep this family together whilst I am on this earth. Please do not tell me to be positive or to just leave my parents It is much more harder than you think. Young and on the brink. I feel so alone and I know it is going to be the end soon.",Suicidal +15055,"My life sucks or probably I am just mentally weak, i want to end it No details, i just want to kill myself, I am going out alone rn and I will probably throw myself in front of a car Idk what to say",Suicidal +15056,I took around 60 pills of paracetamol and over a gram of prozac. I understand that this will be a painful death and I may just ruin myself even more but I have nothing left to live for. I hate myself. I want to leave so bad. I did it. I took the pills,Suicidal +15057,When will i start feeling anything better? Wth? Anybody know how long? I was on citalopram for eight years at 40 mgs daily any feedback appreciated Almost 3 months without citalopram,Depression +15058,"I (m16)feel so numb and blunt all the time, even when I am doing fun things or with friends. My mind goes straight into this mode of negative thinking: thinking about how other people hate me, ignore me and treat me differently to other people, also dreaming of living a completely different life with a different family, living somewhere else and a different childhood. I do not feel like I am real",Depression +15059,"All I do is mope. I have cried more times in weeks then ln years. I have no energy I hate everything and want to forget my life and sleep through days. I had a breakup w longtime ex who I cared more about then anything else (a issue ik)combined and I feel like I have no purpose covid displaced me and other good bonds I had. I just do not feel that things even though down cannot possibly go up, or be the same again.I just want to be free of this and want to know if there is ways to forget pain or just I do not know. Really for the first time in adulthood am seeing how shitty everything can be and I cannot keep living this way its killing my body I cannot eat I am getting mildy Ill every few days. Its taking a toll I feel like I am aging so much in this last bit. How to stop it",Depression +15060,"its just my biggest fantasy on how i want to go out. idk why i do not want to die by all the other methods but yeah. the problem is, none of my nearby buildings come close to tall i want to leap off a building",Suicidal +15061,They say it gets better. It doesn'tShit man I do not know what kind of pussy human feeling stopped me from climbing the rope. I regret not going through it when I was younger and had more enthusiasm to do such thing. Now I am suffering away till the day I will say goodbye.Fk I regret not committing suicide,Depression +15062,"For a long time I have just been saying I am absolutely worthless, and I cannot remember the reasoning as to why I am doing this. This has been going on for 10+ years. I always find someway to bring myself down for no reason. I disconnect myself from people when they are nice to me, just saying that they are faking it, that I am not worth their time. Beating myself up is the only time I truly feel anything anymore. I put others before me and make sure they are happy even if it makes me more depressed. I just want to quit all the time. I also think this way of thinking makes me weak which brings me back to berating myself with insults. Why do I do this to myself",Depression +15063,"I live in Conway, SC and I am a 450 pound man who can barely walk. My life cannot get much worse. My day is shit, its going to be shit tomorrow, shit after that, shit after that. I just cannot take this shit anymore. I have tried everything but all I get is hate from the trolls. My name is Jordie Jordan and I am a 450 pound man",Suicidal +15064,I have been doing relatively well for the past few weeks and socializing more. Some days are better than others but today I am convinced that people hate me and try to avoid me. Insecurities take over and I interpret everything in my own self loathing/self sabotaging perspective. It could be as simple as a less than enthusiastic text answer from a friend. How do you handle that? Days like these,Depression +15065,"Been unemployed, living in my parents basement for the past 6 months just absolutely miserable and unable to pull myself out of my mental state, being stuck and unable to change my life.Really found myself feeling hopeless and apathetic towards everything in life, and if it all ended I would not really care. So I figured fuck it, if I am not afraid of dying, what can I do with this?2 hours later I went and got my motorcycle learners permit. And 3 days after that I did my motorcycle safety course, and had the best fucking weekend that I have had in the past 6 months. I made friends, I had a blast racing all types of motorcycles, but most importantly I felt what it is like to share an amazing feeling with other really cool people. All of this previously prevented because of an invisible rule that I wrote for myself long ago. And now I have a hobby that I seriously enjoy.Just a thought for you guys Wanting to die is a superpower",Depression +15066,can i buy exit bags on the dark web hey you all,Suicidal +15067,"Recently after a few changes in my life (new job, new apartment) I have been experiencing this new kind of depression that revolves around an urge to do more. I have struggled with my mental health for most of my life and over the course of the last year felt an overwhelming fear of death after losing a family member (common I heard.)This new feeling is a sort of numbness where suicidal thoughts have started to transform into a step to find my full potential. I want to work out more, go see things all in the face of this means nothing, what if I just floated along? I feel as if now I am not living so suicide will not change much, but now this isolation and numbness feels like preparation for self-identification or my body and mind fearing for itself.Am I feeling these urges to live out of fear of losing it? Is this a desperate attempt to feel something? Am I just all jumbled up because of the changes in my life? I am going to try to figure this out with doctors but that is what my questions to myself are becoming. I go to therapy, I am on meds. I do not know what this is and I am mostly trying to see if anyone has felt something similar to this gibberish as I try to figure it out myself. This is super weird and very tough to explain I am realizing as I type this. Thanks. Weird Numbness Depression. (Has anyone felt this?)",Depression +15068,"They say suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, but I have so many of those temporary problems they seem like they will never go away. It trying to help myself crawl out of my hole I am just burring myself with the dirt I pull on top of myself. I feel like I am choking and there is no way out. I have a therapist. she is nice. Ill talk to her in an hour and a half. I have friends, they cannot help, I have family, I have asked too much of them already... I do not have a set plan, I have not committed myself to anything, but I am dancing on the edge. My apathy for myself and what I do, is that commitment enough? I am not sure. Time passes and I dig my self a bigger hole",Suicidal +15069,I can easily relate to about 90% of the post I see on here. there is about 50% that seems like the person posting was reading my mind.At the moment this is one of the few things keeping me going from day to day until I can get some professional help.I wish you all the best. WE are NOT alone. You are NOT Alone,Depression +15070,"I feel like there is no good way of describing how I am feeling to people who do not get it. I have absolutely no desire to participate in normal life anymore. Any social event I have to participate in is almost 100% faked. Every small setback just makes me give up even more. I have to hold back tears almost all day every day. But I feel like I cannot call in sick to work because they will just call me lazy and emotional. So now it is ""a really bad headache"" or a ""migraine"" that sends me to my dark quiet bedroom for the rest of the night. People can relate to headaches and do not try and tell you to just ""stop having headaches."" at this point I barely still give a shit about pleasing other people but I still do for now. Maybe if life gets a little worse I will be less afraid to just say ""it is taking everything in my power to just get out of bed every day."" and not give two shits about whether they believe me or relate to me anymore. Just telling people it is a headache from now on.",Depression +15071,What drugs can i take to overdose quick What drugs?,Suicidal +15072,"So I (17y F) am so tired of my alchoolic father that one day I even taught about running away or commiting suicide, I do not feel safe around him. I feel terrified of him. Basically EVERY DAY, when he comes back to work he goes at his ""friends"" who he has a drink with then he comes back home enraged and he will scream at every member of my family for no fucking reason. He never hit me or some shit like that, but you know the saying ""Words cut deeper than a knife"". I am thinking about moving out with my boyfriend next year when I will be 18, that would be a dream, but then I would lose all my family including my mother who is the only one supporting me in all of this this, she does not agree with moving out so early. How can I just get rid of all of this? My abusive father",Depression +15073,"I know its hard to believe, its just something that rarely ever happens and there is such little information on I feel so alone on this. But it all started two years ago, I met up with this girl and her friend she then got me extremely drunk with her. She then asked for us all to go to her room where we then starting spooning, and then I fingered her then she said your bad at that I pissed then left. I told her I did the next morning because nothing at the time made it seem Unconsensual, she then told me to never talk to her again which I agreed on. I felt so bad about how she felt about the situation that the guilt made me attempt my own life and made me end up in a psych hospital for 1 month. Everything was fine until a few days ago where she and specifically a bunch of people who disliked me in the first place kept posting a image saying I molested her and multiple girls on the side. This made me lose most my relationships with people understandably, because its a obvious choice in who you want to defend you know. So I could not blame most of them, and there is not a single name to any of the other victims when I asked the people who where posting it. I know this whole thing is made up wether that girl feels that way about the situation or not. This might not be the best place to talk about this, but for obvious reasons I feel so alone. Its also just so hard to defend yourself from accusations like this. My whole life feels over, and its just getting harder every single day. I have been falsely accused of sexual assault and its ruined my life.",Suicidal +15074,"I have depression and anxiety due to series of traumatic events. Sometimes, I am just too exhausted even though I am not doing ""anything"". Just plain on survival mode through the years. I do not want this as an excuse but it is my reality. Struggling to do something. Anxious that I end up doing nothing. That by not performing, I am bad. I am made to feel guilty from grieving. I also had a dysfunctional childhood. I have just lately discovering that it was not a good childhood as I have thought it was. Thr way I was brought up and my childhood experiences paved way to why I am like this in adulthood. I am grieving. My parents does not grasp that their adult child is mentally unwell. Of course, it is my fault. I get all the blame. It hurts when your own mother would label you some deregatory term in our language -- ""dugyot"" means a lazy dirty person. It hurts that they do not understand my struggles. I am trying. I grieve that I will never have the parents that I ""needed"". I was crying silently last night. I was a victim of domestic abuse and they offered me to come move back. I know I need therapy but I do not have the means to pay yet. I am just hoping one day to get myself on my own feet and get my own place again. Away from the judgement, shame and guilt that are in this household. Mother called me names. It hurts",Depression +15075,Does anyone know how much vicodin i can take to od? Or any other drugs? Question,Depression +15076,"I never thought Id ever vent on a Reddit page but its the only bit of help I can find, I have a beautiful girlfriend and a great family to talk to but I just do not get the advice I am after. My mum is a psychiatrist but I just do not want to vent to her at all, it is a bit weird for me.I am a 20 year old male who like the majority have had ups and downs in life, some last a few hours and some last a day or two but this one has been ongoing for about 5 months now. In February I decided to go to Holland to work there for 3 months with my best mate and his family to earn and save money. The idea was great and the outcome money wise was also great. Although the outcome was good the whole experience was on of the most depressing and stressful experiences ever, going from job to job, north, east, south and west and even living in a motor home for a week when there was 6 of us. I decided to bring my girlfriend with me 3 weeks into the trip to help her look for some work also but that was the worst thing I have ever done. She never found work as there was nothing about for a 19 year old female which caused her to get depressed and down staying in the house hold for the remaining months with nothing to do due to lockdown being so strict in Holland. It caused us to clash, I was working 54 hours a week 6 days a week so I was not the happiest which caused me to also be in moods.After coming back to the UK with a nice bit of money saved I decided to invest it into driving and a security course for a new job. Driving did not go as planned and took me only until last week to pass the theory even though I arrived back in the UK in end of May. I done a 6 day security course and passed the exams first time, only then to find out I have to get a Overseas Criminal Record check because I use to live in Spain which I am still waiting for. So for the past months I have been jobless, sitting in my room watching the days go by. I then fell in love with the sport of boxing, it got me motivated to go out and workout so I am not stuck in doors all the time, I still love the sport now and I was going to classes without fail for 3 months straight. All of a sudden my motivation has just slumped. I was suppose to go to Spain to see my parents who I have not seen for about a year now but due to consistent overpriced covid tests to and from we could not go which broke not only me but my parents. All these aspirations are falling apart. I want to be a boxing world champion and I know hard work will take me there but at the moment I am not wanting to do anything. I have ate takeaway for about 2 months straight now and letting the food I bought at the shop go out of date because I cannot be bothered to cook. I have become that slumped and lazy that I have turnt down working a few days with my uncle which would do me some good and help with money. Me and my girlfriend have had a rough few weeks of arguments which almost broke us up a few times but thankfully we spoke about it and seem to be getting better. I have made some progress with a few things and I have not drunk any alcohol for nearly 2 months now.But I am just lost, I am skipping boxing today because I just do not want to move, I cannot even be bothered to shower which is unheard of because I am such a hygienic person.I do not know what I want out of this but maybe just some advice or words of courage and tell me to stop being a bitch and man up Lost and need advice",Depression +15077,No one cares about me. My mom only cares about money. She would not even take her own daughter to the hospital because she do not want to have to pay the bill. She says I should get with a rich guy and take his money for her and shit. Whenever me or my little brother cannot do anything she says what are you good for. Her and her parents feed us shit food and then judge us for our weight when they are fat too. I am just over it. I hate it here,Suicidal +15078,"My life feels like an unending hell. A lot of people cannot even believe how fucking ridiculous my life has been from birth. there is been the bright moments, and for awhile it was enough to push me through. But last year I woke up from a cult, and lost my foundation. Shortly after, my wife of 6 years mentally tortured me, then left me for my best friend. I was coasting around for 6 months living out of 3 boxes. I moved back to Alaska, a place that made me really happy when I lived there previously. I was still miserable, and even more alone, so I moved back home. I moved in with my girlfriend recently, it felt like life was going back up. Then both of our cars broke down within a week of each other. I have no where to turn anymore. I have no outlet. She started drinking very heavily because of how fucked up everything has become, so I am trying to stay strong for us. I have always been strong enough to stand firm for myself and those around me, but I am finally breaking.I have no means to get help mentally, I ran out of meds a month ago and am falling apart. I just want to die, nothing makes me happy anymore, and when I think about the future, I see none. There is no god to cling to, no paradise when I am done. The world is probably going to end any time now, so why the fuck should I bother. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16, and promised myself I never would again. I even got a tattoo to represent that promise. But I do not think I can keep it my whole life is a joke, and I am the only one not in on it For the first time, I do not feel strong enough",Suicidal +15079,"I do not understand what is wrong with me. I am so tired of this life, always being depressed and constant thoughts of ending it. Then spending every day not even attempting to change anything. I know that it is super easy for me to pass school yet it is so draining sitting at my computer trying to do a simple assesment. I do not even try to make friends anymore because it will always lead to me fucking it up.I cannot even bring myself to end it because I am so worried about making the friends I do have upset. God knows my actual family do not give a shit. I do not want to leave my cat alone with my mum, and in fairness I do not want to leave my mum alone either even though she does not give a fuck about me. I have gotten worse over the past couple of days, I have pretty much made a plan. I hate that this is where I am but I think I am just going to give up on myself because I do not fucking deserve anything anyway. I do not even know why I sit here writing this when I know it is just not going to help and it is probably just some dumb attempt at attention or something. I fucking hate this. Title",Suicidal +15080,"I have had a burnout about 3 years ago and i must say i felt like i recovered from it, but now, i have a new job where i have to do something I have never done and that is talk to hunders of peoples at their homes and ask for donations, every day, and i was NEVER this socially enganged before. Also my relationship of 4 years is over and she is not cooperating, i have a dog that i take care of, i have to look for a flat, i have pretty much no friends, my family gives up talking to me whenever i explain to them how i really feel. Most of all, the planet is going down the drain and that is really really hurtful for me. I cannot explain to you how much it disturbs me that noone is doing anything against this dystopian insanity that is happening right now in front of our noses. ALL of that, plus the fact that i apparently did not really recover from the burnout at all that much. I am not sure how to continue, i have no degree in anything, i did not even finish any apprenticeships and where I am from you are pretty much nothing without it. (German speaking realm)&#x200B;I was not suicidal for a long time and i quit drugs because i felt like they did not really help much at all but now i feel like I am stressed out too much. I have read alot about self help and mindset change, especially spiritual stuff but now nothing seems to help much anymore. I feel like the whole world is against me even tho that is not true. I am in a very bad spot and i have no idea what to do. Psychological Therapy here does not do much except giving people medicine and i really want no medication, apart from that its really difficult to even get some proper professional help because you have to pay for most and the ones you do not have to pay for are either totally overbooked or offer no real help because too many people go there.&#x200B;I honestly feel like smashing things and engaging in violent behaviour but i will not because that very obviously not going to help. do not really know what to do anymore. What am i supposed to do when i feel like burning out again?",Depression +15081,"I do not enjoy anything about life. I force myself to exercise, read, and partake in my hobbies because I do not want to be an empty person who does not even make an effort, but that has not stopped me from being miserable. Sometimes getting drunk gives me relief, but I have to stop since I am on the path to becoming an alcoholic and lack the funds to keep drinking at this rate. I live in a dead area and have no clue how I am supposed to meet someone. I am basically stuck in this position indefinitely until I get a much higher paying job. Unfortunately, trying to find one has been a fruitless, demoralizing experience with no seemingly no hope. I probably will not be happy even if I get out of this either. I was miserable in college, but when I look at it objectively, that was the best part of my life by far. My life afterwards has been all work, technical assessments, and interviews with very little social interaction - its soul-sucking and this is supposed to continue until I retire. I just do not get how more people are not lining up to kill themselves; hell, I think about it every day. The expected cycle of life is utter garbage. No part of life is enjoyable",Depression +15082,"Wish I had a proper bucket list. did not have one even when happily alive lmao- unless getting into Harvard counted (joke's on me, that would have only postponed my suicide by a few years. Really do think suicide is my destiny regardless of how my life turns out lol) Anyway, I cannot think of a lot of stuff I would like to do in my last few days. I am going to get drenched in the rain, pet more stray animals (was always afraid of getting sick and stuff), travel in the metro a few times, go to the beach, visit a favourite restaurant and library, eat my favourite meals etc. I also want to ride a rollercoaster and other amusement park rides, but do not know if I can. Point is, I am looking for suggestions on anything I can do that is fairly covid-safe (do not want to kill my fam, thank you), easy to do (no strenuous activity, would rather *checks notes* die), and generally fun-ish. Thanks lol What do I do in my last week/fortnight of life?",Suicidal +15083,"Death is too easy and simple. I do not want that. I just want to dream and live in the dream world where my problems are only really temporary and I can fix them with a snap of my fingers. A place where I have no self doubt about my own problems and my own reality. Where I can die and then wake up again just to do it all over again. I just do not know what to do. I am in 3 different therapies, in the Navy (with no support from them), and I am married. But it does not make anything better. The money nor the loving relationship. I love being married to her, but it does not elevate me any higher than the dumpster I feel like I am in. Id rather dream than wake up everyday to taking medication that does not even work, no matter how we switch it up. I try using the tools that they taught me in Therapy but to no avail. I just feel like shit. I feel better listening to sad shit like Crywank than I do listening to anything else. I just do not know how to keep my head up. I just do not want to wake up anymore",Depression +15084,"I just need consolation, my whole heart is so sick and painful. I am so sad no one understands me, even myself Anyone there, can you comfort me?",Suicidal +15085,My life is not all that bad on paper but it will get worse... I am just glad that those tracks will always be there and the train will always pass by there. All I will have to do is stand there and it all be over. The thought of suicide calms me down,Suicidal +15086,"Maybe the Zoloft is wearing off or something, I feel so empty. I do not have anything to be sad about so I am thinking its those fucking chemicals.I have been taking Zoloft since the 19th of October 2020, so maybe I have gotten used to it. My depression seems to be back again, even though I take medication.",Depression +15087,"I will be 20 in 2 days. Had this back pain since I was 3. Parents did everything they could but nothing happened. At start, the strokes were monthly thing but now its everyday and I am tired of it. Everyone thinks I am faking it bc no doctor has been able to identify it. My parents have been supportive but they have their fair share of taunts and blaming. I have been hiding it from them for about 6 years now. Too scared to tell them. One reason is they will worry too much. Other being they will probably blame me for it. I was excellent in my academics up until covid. It went downhill after that and my career is probably over till now. I am physically done. I have been suicidal for more than a year now but never felt strong the way I feel about doing it rn. A friend somehow convinced me to tell my parents about it but we all know that are not going to happen. I have lied to them so much that I feel like my whole life is a lie. I gave up on everything I loved just so I could make my parents proud of me one day but that are not going to happen now. Been thinking about hanging myself for a long time. Now is the time to actually do it. I know it will not be easy on you mom dad, but this is the only way you are going to believe that I was in pain. Otherwise you will just keep thinking that I was a cheat. So sorry for all the pain I have caused till now. I will not be an issue from now on. Have a great life ahead. I am going to kill myself on my birthday",Suicidal +15088,"When you mention suicide people are like ""oh no please do not!"", but when you actually talk about something that is bothering you or why you feel that way, nobody wants to listen. They just make you feel like a burden and no matter how much they say they do not perceive you differently, they do. Everyone tells you to not kill yourself, but nobody actually cares about your issues",Suicidal +15089,"My life always fucking sucked overall. But still, people keep adding up and adding up shit.Closest person I am to exaggerated about having a cancer. For god sakes. It pushed me over the edge and now I am being a cunt for wanting to kill myself over the amount of stress that I no longer want to face.After all I have been through in my life I cannot even get some understanding.I am fuckimg fed up. I will end my life soon. So fucking soon. And I am writing this as a fucking testimony of what I am about to do. People cannot tell I have not fucking warned them. The last fucking straw",Suicidal +15090,I am a 13 year boy with depression and near suicide. If i tell my family they would tell me its just the part of growing up.i told my friends but there is nothing they can do. I cannot go to a therapist even if i wanted to because I am 13 years old. I need advice,Depression +15091,"I have days when my body feels extremely heavy and the only way I know how to let go of that weight is to have a mini crying session. it is weird because my brain thinka that is perfectly legitimate but it quickly spirals away and here I am bawling away for hours and hours. Feels like it drained the life out of me. I know I need to stop for a second and really think what is making me upset and try to understand it better or fix it. But I just feel so tired. So tired. I do not wish to think or evaluate anything, and I rationalize it by saying that I am really really tired.I feel like I lose a part of myself everytime this happens. So much so that I doubt if I will ever be able to pick up all these pieces of myself ever again.Anyone else feels/felt this? How do you get around it? Is it normal to cry for hours and hours?",Depression +15092,"I do not know what to do. I am a social worker, but I am absolutely terrible at my job. I cannot bring myself to meet with clients or care about clients. I am behind on my paperwork. I feel like I am falling apart. I cannot focus. I spend all my time at work researching suicide methods and thinking about hurting myself. I am currently just surviving - not living - and people are starting to notice. I cannot function in the world right now. The only time I feel okay is when I am sleeping. I am on medications and they do not help. What do I do? How do I know if I need to go to the hospital?",Suicidal +15093,Has anyone tried to kill themselves with aspirin? What was it like? Aspirin,Suicidal +15094,"I am so fucking done. I do not like living, I never will, I just want the pain to fucking end and nothing ever helped. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandjxjsjjxjjcskkekckkcksk!!!!!! I am done",Depression +15095,"Hey everyone sorry for my english its not my first language I take Ambien but i just ran out and i cannot sleep without it I have chronic insomnia and all i got is my sisters mirtazapine but its been 41 days since i stopped taking mirtazapine and the withdrawal was horrible, I am travelling for an important interviews for jobs so my question is would it be bad if i take only 7.5 mg of mirtazapine for 5 days only or my whole withdrawal process would be ruined and would i have another withdrawal or is it ok? Thank you so much. Ran out of Ambien and do not know what to do.",Depression +15096,"I do not know what to do anymore. I have reached out to so many resources and I have even admitted myself to try to get the help I need. Being there made me worse, they were not offering any therapy, just meds. I felt crazier being locked up. And now that I am out with these resources that do not actually help, I am scared. I know I will not make it by myself, but none of the resources I have gotten have been able to genuinely help me. It feels like I am just here to feed into the mental health money hole. I do not feel like anyone takes me seriously..I keep fighting back the desire to kill myself but it always comes back. And when it does its when I have no hope for any help. I am really scared that I am going to finally do it one day.. Stuck",Suicidal +15097,I do not know how to deal with the emotions right now other than to hurt myself.I did something awful and I do not even know what it is.I am panickingPlease Please help,Depression +15098,"I have a security clearance and if my employer finds out I am suicidal I will lose my job. I called the suicide hotline this morning. If they cannot get someone there physically to talk to you and make a report than they ask ""is there anything else I can do"". I have nobody to talk to. I am almost tempted to blow my brains at my ex gf place so she can live with the guilt of ignoring my cries for help. cannot tell anyone without repercussions",Suicidal +15099,"A few months ago my partner finally convinced me to go to a doctor. For many years I have had this deep sadness to everything in my life, at times it makes it hard to persist. I reached out twice and each time I have said why am I sad I have been met with the same response everyone gets sad, you will get over it and I did not. When my grades slipped in highschool and I turned to my teachers and parents for support their answer was not is something wrong it was always you are fine, go study harder and this has had a primarily adverse affect. Over time this had turned into a resentment and an ignorant denial of mental health when others have said they have had it. I have thought Oh, you are sad, I am sad to and that is normal. So earlier this year I got help. I was scared, so nervous, shaking before I saw the doctor. He was so nice and serious about it all. I did not feel the need to avoid a deep conversation about the topic and instead speak openly with him. This was fresh air. So I get my diagnosis for anxiety and depression. And I am bewildered. I have been told my entire life you are fine and someone to actually say no this is not the norm was a welcome sight. Even now, when I tell people off my diagnosis, they look at me with skepticism and doubt. Like I am lying or fabricating a story. For most off my life people have called me a psychopath for my lack of empathy towards others so I understand their confusion when I do say yes, I am human. So I started taking anti-depresents, hoping it would be a cure. But it changed my depression not fixed it. It made me unable to leave bed most days and not even be able to study for University. It made me hate myself. And once again, my grades dropped. And no one wondered why (thankfully my University was incredibly understanding go Curtin). So now I am here. About to start a new semester. These days I have been struggling with thoughts of suicide. I doubt it will happen but its a persistent nagging thought. I am to embarrassed to talk to anyone near me as I still have a slight stigma against people who wear depression as a personality and i feel incredibly uncomfortable getting compliments or sympathy. Hence why I made this post. I may even delete it in the morning out of regret. So if anyone sees this, what advice do you have for coping? I have started meditation but want to make life easier to live.Thank you My experience",Depression +15100,"Recently I have been plagued with these violent thoughts which have left me exhausted, they are like episodes of violence towards myself but I do not know why its happeningIve reached out for help telling people I am going to kill myself and even asked to be put in a hospital for my safety, but no one cares, I have talked to a crisis team and the access team but they are not helping meIs there anything I can do to stay safe? Depression and suicidal thoughts",Depression +15101,"When I was younger, I was always told that suicide was a cowardly decision. At first, it shot through my heart because it made me feel bad for feeling bad, but now I just scoff at that idea. it is not a cowardly decision. If it was a cowardly decision, then I would be dead. I am a huge pussy and every time I get close to making a suicide attempt wheater it is me about to kick the chair with a rope around my neck or not swallowing a fist full of pills, I end up hesitating, wussing out, and not going through.it is like my body pulls me back when I try and it is so taxing when your mind wants you dead and your body does not cooperate. I know this cannot be an unfamiliar occurrence because our bodies do everything they can to make us live. Sure I have attempted a couple of times by hanging, but that was only because I slipped and the rope and fixture broke.If I had a gun, then I could just take a breath, count to ten, and take the pain away but I do not. Even then I probably would not even be able to put the gun in my head or mouth anyways. Maybe one day I will stop being a pussy and do it, but not tonight. If suicide is a cowardly decision then why am I still here?",Suicidal +15102,"Yesterday something happened to my friend and they went into crisis and blocked me without warning. I was really worried so I called the police, they checked on her and told me she was ok. She unblocked me later that night and only gave me vague comments of what happened. Clearly it is something big and this has not happened to them in the time I have known them so this is new ground for me and the my friend. When I am in crisis I like to be comforted by people I am close with, a few months ago when I was in crisis and was sent to hospital for 3 weeks all I wanted was to talk to them to feel safe. So I have been trying to do that for them. My intentions are well but I forgot she told me that she likes to be alone. They kept blaming herself for me going into hospital and wanted to give me space because that is what theywould like.Always remember to treat people the way you like to be treated if that person likes it because now I am scared I have made it worse and lost them now. I just want them to be safe I treat people how I would like to be treated",Depression +15103,"I have reached out to a crisis team, access team and my therapist about my suicide plan because I desperately want help to not be like this. But no one is helping me, no one is taking it seriously, like noones going to help me until its too late?I asked to be put in a hospital because when I am alone its hard to not kill myself but they are doing nothing to help? What can I do to keep myself safe? Suicidal tendencies but noones helping",Suicidal +15104,"Is it a sin to commit suicide? Wil I go to hell? All I want is to be with Jesus. I am tired, I am lonely, I am a liability, I am not good a wife or mother, my husband is exhausted to cope with my depression. Why cannot I just go home and be happy in heaven. I do not have energy and will to live anymore. Yes I pray and I pray I read my Bible. I just want to leave. I am tired of this live, I do not have friends. my family has been divided into two. I really do not mean that much. I cry al the time, and then wash my face bruch my teeth and hair when everyone is coming home,just so I look normal. I am tired find help? Where? Where I am from there is no help for depressed people, talk to who? I talk to Jesus. I feel like I am going to have major breakdown, I must be a bad mother and wife I just cannot do it no more. It effects my family, they can have so much better then me, yes they will be shocked and sad. But my husband can remarry a good wife he has common sense, my daughters can have a woman who pack lunch, cook, help with homework and want to do silly stuff with then. I will fade. I am robbing my family of great life. I just cannot do it.",Suicidal +15105,I self harm. And I fucked the only good thing going for me in my life. I cut and cut and cut to try and stop the pain but it did not go away. Now i cannot stand up and I am so light headed. I did not try to do this. I do not know what to do. I think I killed myself,Suicidal +15106,"I feel like going somewhere far away, where no one knows, even I do. I hate my life, I just want to escape from now. I want to go somewhere, in which no one knows me. I am so tired. I have been crying this dawn from last night. I wish to abandon my whole life. I know it is just an escapism but I can do nothing. I hope I will not wake up in the today morning I want to be taken somewhere",Suicidal +15107,I am done. I am not getting anywhere in life. I keep being rejected in relationships and in career opportunities. My city has seen a dramatic spike in cost of living and I can no longer afford anything- which adds to my sense of failure. I will not be taking up space anymore and really helps me to feel better. Tonight will be the night,Suicidal +15108,"The note I wrote;If I die today I wish to apologise for who I have become, a person who revels in avoiding any feelings and seeks to bother when he knows no close connection will form, to avoid pain. I procrastinate on all aspects of my life though I make it appear as though I am hard working and I want to be friends with people when overall I just want to fade into nothingness.I do not know what made me like this whether it be how I always have been or through events transpired, though I choose to believe this is only through my conscious thoughts that I may have carried out actions that have hurt others and not due to external factors.To my family I do love you and hope you live on remembering how strong and beautiful you are, and how you all were there for me and forgiving me for my misdeeds time and time again. To people who considered me a friend I have surely hurt you many times emotionally, all I can ask is that you move on and find a better person than I to be friends with, as your all good people even if you do not think you are.And finally to whatever awaits me following my death whether it be gods, God and the devil, nothingness or purgatory, Just know that I am glad I got to gaze up at the stars because there is all of creation for those I part ways with to still explore.Sincerely(me) Today i found my old suicide note i made in 2019 even though life can still be pretty shitty I am still so thankful to the people who stopped me. If you need support please do reach out.",Suicidal +15109,"Been dealing with depression and general lack of emotion for a huge part of my life. I am almost 30 still living with my parents live an above average comfortable life. Work a meaningless job where really I just do not have to do anything thoughtful. Quite frankly my life is not too crazy where I should be depressed, at least in my opinion. But recently I have been doing something a little different.I have just stopped caring but kind of in the opposite sense? I used to lay in bed and just lay there thinking I should do ""x"" I should do ""y"" and then I would feel guilty about not doing anything but laying there. But lately I have just been not telling myself to do ""x"" but just been doing it. And it is insanely weird not thinking about it because I try to organize my day accordingly and such but I am just pushing myself to do things without giving my mind a chance to say ""in a minute.""That constant nagging at the back of my head that says just lay down; is like that annoying guy that just keeps getting in the way. I am just trying to ignore him. I mean I still have some off days but just not giving my depression the attention it wants seems to help me so much.I read about the rule of one minute or something like that. If it is a task or chore that requires a little bit of time like ome minute just get up and do it with the idea that you will reward yourself with that laying down feeling after. I end up just getting momentum and doing more and more because I simply do not give myself the time to think after the task. Let me wash my plates, oh ok done, let fold the laundry, oh ok let me do my bed, oh ok let me etc. And it is crazy because I feel like life is about having little meaningless tasks to do to keep your mind preoccupied. I have been doing this for a few weeks now and I just wanted to share my ""revelation."" I always lurk on here and understand the hole we are all in. And maybe a new idea can help someone. Rambling over. Good luck everyone, as always stay strong. I have to not think about it.",Depression +15110,the day is closer and closer. closer,Suicidal +15111,I feel like I have nobody. I feel worthless. All I think about is how I wish I had the guts to just end it all. Lonely and depressed.,Depression +15112,"The hole inside me started to get bigger. I am suffering from loneliness and no love. I tried to find someone in different dating apps, it helps for 2-3 weeks, but they always losing interest in communication. I do not want to do this anymore. I have time to get too attached to people, but when they are leaving me I feel that they are tearing my soul apart. I do not know what to do. Suicidal thoughts are not accustomed for me, but it unfortunately started and getting worse every day. I tired",Suicidal +15113,"If someone tries to give me emotional support, I just feel like a burden, and it does not make me feel any happier if they do. And yet, I think a part of me desires to have other people be kind towards me. I feel like people should not try to help me because it is a burden on them to try and help: and it does not help me emotionally anyways. A part of me desires to experience the kindness of others, and another part of me feels that experiencing kindness will not do anything for me and is not worth the trouble. Any advice for me? Also, I do see a therapist, I just want to hear some other opinions I am confused about emotional support",Depression +15114,"All I did was make an adult decision. I got my first dose of Pfizer vaccine. I am an adult, it is my decision. My mother knew though. Somehow, she knew and she is furious with me. she is an extreme anti-vaxxer and she is now terrified for my life because I do not agree with her and made a decision for myself.She sends me the ""evidence"" and the ""facts."" Guess what? Flat earthers have those, too and she is not gullible enough to go for that one.She called me on the phone and said that if I get the second dose we will have to seriously think about me not living with her anymore. (Living with parents while I finish college.) I do not have the skills, the confidence, the degree for a real living-wage job. And although I know some people can power through both a 40-hr work week and a 40-hr school week successfully, I cannot. It would be even longer before I can get my bachelor's and move on to something I can actually succeed at. I hate feeling like I have stabbed her in the back just for taking care of myself. I feel like a traitor",Depression +15115,"I am going through a depressive episode and I have been having panic attacks constantly for the last few days. I had a freind who was my ""getting better together"" buddy, we tried to help each other get better. It was working great till this episode. I started pushing her away and I have been distant and now I have fucking it up compleatly. she is asking for time and I know I have ruined it. I cabt breath. I keep cutting over and over but the pain in my heart and chest will not go away i do not know what to do. I am getting light headed. I ruined my friendship and now I cannot breath",Depression +15116,"I know she is right : getting this internship is the best option for my curriculum. But I already had an internship in this place in April and it led me to the psych ward. I have to finish my memoir and I have a part time job so I do not need the money. She says I should stop pitying myself and get myself to work. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts. I struggle to wake up everyday. In September I had to quit a job because I wanted to kill myself too badly. So I just want to take some time for my mental health, even if it means I get a bad cv... I do not care, I just want to finish my time in uni alive. But she tells me I should try harder and fight so I feel like shit. She just acts like I could snap out of my depression in a few days and think I should stop taking my meds. I like my father but honestly I do not even feel like visiting him anymore. My mother in law does not understand that I do not want to start a 20h/week internship during my last year of master degree",Depression +15117,When you are constantly treated like scum but have to pretend that everything is ok. When you are under constant stress because someone wants to have you under control so that their life is easier. When there is no escape because depression and anxiety got the best of you and now you are unable to do anything anymore.I never thought I would be able to have so much hate in my heart. I always try and forgive people but I cannot and will not forgive someone who is ok with putting me down so that they can live a comfortable life and feel good about themselves. I never thought I would be able to hate the way I do,Depression +15118,"I can hear my soul scream. Continuously trying to break free,Guilt is spreading to my heart like a wild fire Untitled",Depression +15119,there is been nothing worth my time in a long time. Back when I was a kid it used to be american football for some time. Hanging out with friends made me me feel engaged after that. Later on I fell in love with dark souls so I spend all my time on the wikis trying out builds after build and doing pvp then watching compilations. it is hard for me to get the creativity of searching up something interesting on youtube so I drift endlessly in the recommended sections and watch my subs videos. This is no way to live. Youtube everyday for no reason is driving me bonkers. What do I do in this case? I cannot make friends the way my life is and jobs are out of question because of my illness. that is for sure. I have nothing to live for,Depression +15120,"Hi,I have been in a few therapy sessions up until now. I decided to go because I have mild depression and I have a hard time accepting that I am gay. Not in the sense that I think it is wrong but because I do not want to feel different. A few days ago I finally decided to come out to my therapist. There are only a few people I have come out to, so this is still really hard for me. The first few minutes I could not even talk... But my therapist went immediately into trying to explain why I am gay. Linking it to the problems with my mom and thinking out loud if I might seem to look for comfort with women because my mom was not emotionally available. They then went on to ask me how I would know if I am gay since I have dated neither men nor women. Ending up with them telling me that they had no problem with gay people. Which I hate when people say that after I come out. Like okay... that is kind of what I expected. But now I am actually questioning if you actually feel that way I am at such a low point. They said everything I am afraid people say when I come out to them. I feel like they broke my trust... Worst way this could have gone",Depression +15121,I just really wish I had the courage to end it all. I am so scared of what comes after death and all the people I will leave behind with the sadness and guilt but at this point I have just been drowning every day for the past 7 years I have not felt like I want to be me because I genuinely hate myself and maybe its why nobody really wants to put any effort into helping me because my mind is just a cluster fuck that I am really unhelpable. Depressed,Depression +15122,"I am so, so tired. I am more ready than ever. I just want to be non-existent",Suicidal +15123,"I have been feeling extremely frustrated and lost for some time now. I used to feel like ending it all, but then I thought about the opportunities or things I would miss out on if I was gone.So I tried to be a bit more optimistic towards life and kept the ""Every cloud has a silver lining"" approach to things. I feel that this predicament will soon be over. But everytime I feel that things will get better in life, something happens and makes it worse for me. I just want to let it all out. I want to cry it out. I feel that it would make me feel better. But I just do not feel any emotion. it is like I am all dead inside.Years ago, I was quite sensitive. Even over small jokes or arguments, I used to get teary eyed. Then some things in life took place which just made me rough. Though it made me a stronger person, I feel lost at times. Even if I want to cry, I just cannot. I feel empty and crushed. What should I do to let it all out? How do I make myself cry?",Depression +15124,"Hey, I am just having one of those days. I miss you. I wish you were here right now. I wanted to share my emotions with you for you can understand me, sadly the situation does not allow it. You probably think I betrayed you. I should not be bothering you in the first place and feed once more of your energy just so i can be okay. I just do not know what to do. I need your words your peace. If you manage to read this, tho I doubt it never will. I just want to have peace in my soulmate",Depression +15125,"I have nonallergenic rhinitis and its been plaguing my life of over 4 years. Early this year I got a turbinate reduction from a very prominent doctor and it was horrible. I knew about the dangers like ENS but this is not that so I cannot really put a name to the condition. It made my nose soooo sensitive any smoke, perfume, the cold or hint of spicy food will trigger it. To prevent the worst symptoms I cannot eat seasoned food anymore I cannot be around other people anymore because lots of people smoke or use fragrance and I cannot go outside in the winter anymore and I live in Canada. I wrote a bad review about this doctor since he ruined my nose and he removed me as a patient but also blocked me from getting any help from any ENT in the province. I have no idea how he could do this but my gp said they are all friends so its not unheard of but that there is nothing I can do. I am now suffering and no specialist will see me and I have no idea how I can live like this. I get horrible nasal congestion and pressure at night to the point where I am crying and holding my breath until I pass out to try to force my nose to open so I sleep maybe 4 hours a night if I am lucky. I work as a software developer and I have no idea how I can work while dealing with this. I have looked everywhere for a cure and have had to come to the conclusion there is not one. I cannot live like this but I do not want to live my family and dog with the fallout of my death. I do not know what to do and I want to not exist but I am too cowardly to end it. A doctor ruined my life and now I do not see a way out.",Suicidal +15126,I have just started taking 50mg sertraline today. I want to know peoples experiences with it? I am nervous. Did it help? Opinions on sertraline?,Depression +15127,"Like, what about the people that were depressed before also? You cannot say that you are depressed because the usual response is yeah with quarantine everyone is. Like..dhue8d83bf8wndifb I am sick of people saying that due the covid-19 situation everyone got depressed.",Depression +15128,As long as you have friends and family you have people who will support you. If you do not have those two things do not give up,Suicidal +15129,"Last week my best friend found out that her bf of 1 year had been cheating on her for multiple months. This would be a pretty big heartbreak on its own, but she is also struggled majorly with depression since at least middle school. And on top of that, she just signed a lease with the guy 2 months before she found out. I ended up driving to her place last week because she was making some very suicidal claims, and honestly I can completely understand why she would want to give up. But I want her to pain to lessen and I do not know how to help other than just constantly letting her know that I care about her. Is there even a right thing to say? My Best Friend",Depression +15130,"I was diagnosed at the age of 14, ""situational depression"" my family splitting up, new school, eldest sibling to a special needs brother, I got over that all. I am 28. Diagnosed BPD, my anxiety through the roof, paranoia over whelming, barely leave my house, cannot stand small talk with friends anymore, sleeping schedule fucked, in constant pain, I am obese which brings on the pain, and parts of anxiety, and then the anxiety brings on even more pain, on anti anxiety meds that do not work, Wether because I am fighting them, or too over stimulated. I do not know how many times I have written lists to try and get my shit together and fail which brings on the depression, I have done nothing significant, I cannot leave this place because I do not have a job, not for lack of trying but it is a shit place to live, do not have a license due to anxiety even if I had a car I could not keep one here with the smashing of property and break ins, so in other words I am legitimately a failure, garbage human being who quiet frankly people would forget in a year if I were to just end it all now. I have highs points, I have enjoyed parts of my life. The travel, the people, the meaningless items I have filled my house with, animals that have been apart of it. But they would be all gone in an instant, I am pretty sure the only person that remembers that stuff is me... But I am also a coward, gutless wonder but then again, what is a few seconds of pain compared to what my body is going through, what my mind is going through..The only solid thought that keeps me here... is I cannot put that on people. I could not leave my housemate in a place she could not get out of, I cannot leave my mum in tears because I stopped trying, I have been on the other end of it, too many times to see the damage of someone who leaves... even I still miss them after 6 years. But why do they get to walk away... and I am still here. kind of jealous of them if I am completely honest. I do not want to try anymore.",Suicidal +15131,"I compulsively beat myself with my fists or with random objects. I have tried meds, full and partial hospitalization, therapy, EMDR, meditating, all this other bullshit but nothing works. I do not know how to stop. I hate my disgusting body and I hate the way people look at it. I stopped doing this in my early 20s for a while but then I had an abusive partner who shoved me around, raped me frequently and psychologically abused me.I do not want to be seen as a helpless fragile little thing either. I am a 25 year old man, maybe I do not fit everyone is definition of man but I am a fucking man and I am sick of being treated like a little girl. Everyone sees me as a child because I am autistic and everyone sees me as a girl because I am trans. I work my ass off and pay my fucking rent and do not ask anyone for shit but people still want to see me as some fragile little thing and talk down to me and it makes me so angry.I am sick of being treated like when something does not go my way it is because of something I did. I have had one relationship in my entire life and it was with someone who used me for money and sex most of which was unwanted. I am over an hour from my friends, but I hate my home state. Every ""friend"" I meet in my new home forgets about me after a few months. If things do not change soon I am seriously going to off myself. I hate being trans, I hate being lonely, I hate being alive it just feels like a chore. I cannot stop hurting myself. Life feels like a chore.",Depression +15132,"Just as it says I am giving up and no longer making effort because it always fails and leads down a darker deeper hole. I will not kill myself but I also will not keep trying only to keep failing. My entire life has been spent being told if you keep trying you will succeed but that is one big freaking lie, so far nothing in life has worked out for me. I do not feel I have a place in this world so the only option is to just stay holed up in my piece of crap falling down house and wait for eventual death because I cannot kill myself. Giving up yet not killing self",Depression +15133,"I do not know where to start. I will try to be brief.I am in my early 20's and I am writing that because I am really desperate. I am very close to commit suicide, I have been in that situation before, but now I do not believe in God (that has saved me from suicide) and I have discovered a painless easy way to commit suicide. It is just a question of time.The reason of why I am so close to suicide is that I suffer a lot of loneliness and I have suffered it for too many years. I am nobody, and I have never been nobody. I do not fit in anywhere.I live with my family, and I feel like they do not really love me. They love me in a conditional way, but they are not the kind of people who love me in every situation, who help me and try to get the best of me. I think I live in a narcissistic family, and the behaviour they have with me it is like ""we will not treat you bad if you do what we want, you stay away and you accept some submission to us"". I do not think they are conscious of that, but if I try to tell them they will humiliate me and to laugh at me.Regarding romantic relationships, I have not had any experience with anyone. I do not know why, I am not ugly, I think I am attractive, I have a muscular athletic body, I am neat, I try to be friendly, funny and respectful and I know that some girls think the same (although they are not interested in me at all), but nobody is interested in me. I am also intelligent and curious, I play some instruments and I am not the type of guy who spend the time playing videogames or checking social media. it is like I am still nobody wherever I am. Probably my lack of experience is not attractive, but nobody knows that. Everybody thinks I have some experience, and I try to keep them believing that (I assure you everybody believes that). But the truth is that nobody never has shown interest in me, and if I am honest about my experience it will be worse.Finally, I have some good friends. They treat me well, but I do not have confidence with them to tell them that I am planning suicide. They are the best part of my life, but we have different interests and I have to adapt to be with them.I would like to start from scratch, to leave my current life behind, to travel, to meet new people with the same interests, to find love,... but it is just a dream, a dreaming I have been dreming of for many years. But things do not change, they have gotten worse. I do not have money to start a new life and i cannot earn money easily because I am studying and it is hard to find a job (I am from Spain). I just want a healthy social life, I just want to love and be loved, I want to be someone for someone.Can anybody give me some advice, please? I do not know what to do. Has anybody started a new life from scratch?I do not know if anybody will write an answer, but thanks to every one who took the time to read the post.P.D.: Sorry if my english is not very good and if the post sounds too selfish. HELP! I am in my early 20's and I am planning suicide.",Suicidal +15134,"Not even going to use a throwaway for this one. I am falling apart, it feels like whenever i allow myself to be just a bit optimistic about ANYTHING it fucking falls apart. I am a disabled 20 year old suffering from crippling OCD who is addicted to xanax because I can no longer cope with everything around me crumpling. I enrolled in psychology at university to try and learn how to help myself which only made me feel worse. I was an avid swimmer until covid happened and everything went to shit and as a result I did not qualify for the Tokyo paralympics. I already contemplated ending it all then. There was only one person pulling me through all of that and it was my crush, when I was with here my mind was at peace for at least a few hours. Well yesterday, she told me that she is in a serious relationship with a mutual friend of ours and I was devastated. Here, I have to mention that I did keep my cool while with her but when I left I just spent the night bawling my eyes out. Also to clarify I do not nor do I have the right to bear any ill will towards her or our friend/her SO but it still hurt me to the point where I do not think I can handle spending time with them. I do not plan on ever telling her how I feel about her, I do not want her to feel that she is in any way responsible for this. I have absolutely nothing left, tokyo was my last chance to make it in swimming, my therapy sessions are not progressing because every day some other thing fucks me over like the fact that I am losing control of my legs. My psychologist is doing her best but she can only do so much with what little time we have and I have no stable friend group nor a functional family. The funniest part is, I am disabled so I would need to find someone willing to help me go through with it so I will not be able to even do that. I just wish i could stop existing, I have one last therapy session on friday, I will see how that goes and then I will probably start writing my note, I feel so bad for the people I may hurt but I just do not have the strength anymore. Thanks for reading, I am sorry if it disturbed you, I truly am. Every single day I get closer and closer and closer while at the same time I care less and less",Suicidal +15135,Why am I the bad guy? Why do I have to adjust? I want to die pls I hate this world,Suicidal +15136,"I am pathetic, I have been addicted to masturbation and porn since I could remember and I cannot even get an erection with actual women. I am not nervous or anything, I just cannot. I just broke a streak on no masturbating for almost two days and I feel sick of myself. I like the idea of finding a partner that I can experience life with, but I do not want someone to be with when I cannot even preform. that is not fair to them, and eventually they will get fed up with me too. I do not even know how Id bring it up to someone I am interested in. I do not feel like a man. Plus I have blood pressure issues so I am trying to tackle those. I just feel like Ill never be cured. I am addicted to masturbation and I have ED with actual partners",Depression +15137,"I am so fucking tired of everything. I am so tired of being unhappy. There is not a single period of my life where I was happy with where I was. I cannot keep going like this. Every day is worse than the last. I have been holding this shit in for so long. Even when I tell people that I am suffering, I do not tell them what I really feel. That I am so close to snapping. And I know this is not even the worst it is going to be. I am done",Depression +15138,This world does not need me I want to end me pls someone kill me I want to FUCKING DIE,Suicidal +15139,"I have had a bad day at work. Its not unusual for me, but I am really struggling at the moment. I have had a number of jobs over the course of the pandemic. I work in social media marketing and strategy for an agency. And when I started it I was ahead of the curve. Now I am 39, nearly 40, the main breadwinner in my house, and I feel like I am no good at my job. Every time I start a job I start to hate it within months. I want a slower, easier job. But that is not where the money is. So I feel trapped. I know I should be grateful but I am tired of people telling me this. I do not feel it. I sit at my desk in my home office saying that I want to die. That I do not want to do this any more. I have the letter pre-written and saved for when I am ready. I have no sex drive or interest in anything at the moment. I am constantly tired. Apparently my testosterone is fine. My wife is unhappy about this situation, but she says that she loves me. But I do not love myself. I feel like I am only one step away from failure at home or at work. I am doing tasks at work that I have not done before. I am learning how to be a strategist on the job, but I do not have the energy or focus to put the extra hours in. I have ADHD and it all feels so messy and wrong. Everything I do looks like shit. I used to be good at this. I told my job I could do this but clearly I cannot. I do not have any friends to talk to. And I am almost tired of writing this. I do not want to go on Prozac again as I weaned myself off it at Christmas. This does not feel like a relapse. I have felt like this when on the medication. My ADHD medication does not work as well anymore either. I want to give my wife all of my money and just find somewhere to die quietly. I hate that it would hurt other people but I do not know what to do. I just want to die. I do not want to live in this world, everything feels hard, and I do not think I have the emotional or mental tools to handle it any more. I have gone as far as I can and I am just tired now. I do not want to do any of this any more. I just want the easy way out now. It feels like my time",Suicidal +15140,"Was reading some article about how your parents' love style and how they behave influences your own love style and... personality? (mind blowing stuff, i know /s). it is not like i never thought about it before, but it only just hit home how similar i have become to my mother in terms of this stuff and how much they have really affected me, which was very distressing because i really do not want to be like her. But it feels too late.Absolutely terrified of intimacy, to the point where we will just run away if we feel too cornered or push the person away completely, and yet constantly lonely. Trouble expressing emotion, even admitting to ourselves that we are feeling it, and we definitely are not going to share it with anyone else. I could go on, but then I would be here all day. Typing it into reddit is not as hard, because it feels like screaming into the void (though i am constantly paranoid about my online activity). And i just feel so alone, but also never able to let anyone in. The only way for me to even talk about emotion or do/say anything intimate is to sort of repress my mind from the situation - disassociate maybe? Or to get absolutely wasted. Just realised i am the same as my mother",Depression +15141,"there is no colour in my life. nothing I enjoy. Why the FUCK AM I LIKE THIS. I am ripping apart like a shitty toy. I fucked my arm up again, cut it until there was nowhere else left to cut then cut a bit more. Everyone says hope is like a unicorn, hard to find. Wrong, It does not fucking exist. Anything someone says is hope is like putting a party hat on a horse and saying it is the aforementioned unicorn. If I get one good fucking reason why I should live, some real hope I will not kill myself. But I might as well do it now because it does not fucking exist. Asking for a reason to keep going just gives me a hundred other reasons why I should just end it tonight. I have already marked the artery that I will cut, so I am sure I will not miss. I am so devoid of hope I do not even know what it means. Everything's gone grey",Suicidal +15142,"Today I woke up with pain in my heart. I felt that no matter what I did for my spouse it was not good enough. It was then I realized she do not feel good enough for herself. It also made me realize I are not good enough for myself. When we do not feel great about us, how do we expect to feel great about others?Today I woke up with knowledge. I learned that we only die once but live a thousand times. When we have knowledge we become stronger and with strength comes with the key to open our minds.Today I woke up strong. It came from being weak, telling myself I was dumb, stupid, worthless. It was love I found in mist of all the rubble. It was not any old love, it was love for me. For those about to die, goodbye. For those about to die, hello and welcome to the return. For those about to die, I hope you die right, and come back alive and well. For those about to die, hold on, hold back, for you will come back your best self. Strength, realization, knowledge. The three cornerstones of a true happy person. I want you to make love to yourself, because no one will have more satisfaction than you loving you. For those about to die.",Suicidal +15143,I am not going to die dear reader and that is really hard to think about it. May you have the ability to persist on your own struggles dear reader. May the present condition is not my final destination. Thank you. I am guilty of my own existence.,Suicidal +15144,"Hi everybody, excuse my english but its not my first language, I hope to be clear.Tw: self harmMy (19f) little sister (15) is living a pretty bad moment in her life, her relationship with our father is complicated and she does not have friends to talk to.Our parents separated 4 years ago and she says it did not bother her but I know it is not true, I also had mental health issues due to the separations and I see a therapist to deal with them. My mom is always kind but she does not get this type of things, like anxiety and depression, so my sister does not open you to her. My dad is a literal narcissist and shouts and says mean things at every mistake we make, I learnt growing up not to get offended or considerate his insults, but I know how much it hurts to be called an idiot and a delusion from someone who is supposed to make you feel home.I am the only one who my sister opens up to, but I do not know how to help her.One month ago we found out she cuts herself and dad got angry at her, i talked to her and i reassured her but i do not know what to do. She said it was the first time, I know it is not true but I did not say anything that could make her feel wrong of bad. I always talk to her and I listen, but she says she does not know how to feel, she feels numb and cannot sleep. Sometimes she is more chill and sometimes she is very mean to me. When she treats me badly I get angry, I know I should maybe be more patient but she can be very mean.If you can give me some advice, thank you so much. My sister is depressed how can I help",Depression +15145,"It was not until a few months ago that the thought manifested itself as a constant fantasy of killing myself, and yet the idea has always been there, its not as new as I thought. I have never wanted to live past the age of 27. Everything used to be simpler thoughts: I want to die in some tragic accident while I am still young, maybe a car accident, or hell, maybe a malfunctioned parachute or something crazy like that. Even when I was small, even when I was in elementary school, there was that idea: Ill accomplish the few things I hope for then leave. But now as years have passed, I have realized many things I desired as a small child are impossible. Maybe that is where the suicidal thoughts came in. The combo of always wanting to die, and the accomplishments being a moot point. I have gone from wishing some tragic accident would take me to thinking about exactly how Id purposefully leave this world- clearly taken by my own hand. Idk, its just all kind of haunting me right now, the realization that, tho in different form, the thoughts have always been there. I just realized I have ALWAYS wanted to die",Suicidal +15146,I exercise 6 days a weekThe only time I feel some kind of sanity in my life is when I work out I eat healthyI go outside every dayI keep in touch with my friends on a regular basis just so they do not forget about meI just cannot My world is so gray and nastyI'm in a constant battle with my mindQuite literally..No matter what I doThis black cloud still hovers over meThanks for reading my pointless rant. I do everything right - and yet - I am still drowning,Depression +15147,If there is not I think we can do it it might help to see people with depression too it would feel like we are not alone if you want to join this just send me your snap name s there a snapchat grpup that everyone talk about their depression,Depression +15148,"I cannot even imagine what that is like...it feels like self- loathing is another level of self- awareness... it is almost my default state. I always return to it. Feeling good? Knock that ego down, remember how terrible you are. Feeling bad? Good, you already know why. I can hear how toxic this is, but i cannot really rationalize feeling differently. If my friend told me how much they hated themselves, I would probably want to distance myself from them honestly, that is pretty clearly unstable behavior, also it sort of a personal journey, dunno how anyone else could really help with it (I have tried so much therapy, its feels so useless). I can see objectively that self-hatred is not ok. But I still feel it so deeply, and most of the time. It feels honest and true. Some people do not hate themselves?",Depression +15149,"Does anyone else have a Non Epileptic Attack Disorder (NEAD) ? it is quite rare but this is a large community of possible contenders for it. Basically it is a dissociation tactic the brain sometimes employs, causing fainting and even what may appear to be a seizure. In my case, I faint and go so rigid I shake and jerk from the tension. While my eyes flicker as I try and work back through the fog, to my body and who ever is shaking and making far way sounds at me. If roused by rigorous tapping and shaking it can last 2 minutes if left alone it can go on for up to 10 and then I truly pass out into a near coma like sleep for hours. Including face down in a puddle in the smoking yard at work! Luckily only a touch of hypothermia was the result. The other danger is since you make no attempt to break your fall when you pass out hitting your head can be a problem. Fortunately I have only had bruises and cuts without any major concussion or injuries.It is not however caused by abnormal electrical activity in the brain like real epilepsy so it is not respondent too medication. It is essentially a psychosomatic problem that requires CBT in order to retrain the brain to stop pulling the collapsing stunt everytime you feel like you need to dissociate. It took 14 weeks of intensive cbt therapy at the only hospital in the UK to have a unit for such conditions. The historic Bethlem Royal Hospital (once the infamous Bedlam) I was able to bring the seizures down from 5 or 6 a week to 1 or 2, and the recovery time form 8 hours to 1. Which is a big improvement but it still makes getting back into work difficult. I had to stop working before when the seizures were regularly, meaning I was forced to miss and cut short work shifts. Now that is it is less frequent, I still fear I go back into work the same thing will happen and I will let everyone down again, forcing them to scramble to cover me. Also I do not know hot to tell a employer 'yeah sometimes I might just collapse and have to go home.' I had depression before this but the absolute hold its put on my life is really piling on the depression. I am still amazed I was able to find a partner who wants a long term relationship with someone with nothing going for them at all but I got lucky and it is the only good thing I have. I am 28 and we are forced to live with my parents while he works to earn money for our own places. Covid set that back by putting him out of work for a long time to we bad to eat through what he had saved. I am just sick of this and sick of holding him back. There feels extra pressure that I am a guy out of work too. Like I should be making my own money. Not claiming some disability payments for a dumb condition most neuroscientists have not even heard of. NEAD conditions and dissociation",Depression +15150,"So, some back story. I am 27 (F) and this person 23 (M), my younger brother I believe has threatened me during a very heated verbal fight. For our entire lives, he has smashed walls, kicked walls, punched walls, broken things, all the time. He stomps the floor when he hears people walking past his room because it pisses him off and smashes the ceiling above him when he hears his family, including me walking around upstairs as he works out downstairs. He constantly always has had rude responses and is always extremely disrespectful and demeaning when someone is trying to just be civil with him. I have ruled it out over the years and he has abusive actions. He shows silent treatments, holds you accountable for your weaknesses. There is NEVER any wining against him. He has destroyed most of the house. We get in heated fights often. Today, I left my room as he was getting ready for work to see what he was up to and I proceeded to tell him to cleanup his dishes in the kitchen and to clean them because I was sick of cleaning up after him all weekend and this is where it began, he freaked out and told me I do not do anything, meanwhile I cleaned the house all weekend, cleaned after his mess he leaves on the counters. I proceeded to tell him to be respectful towards me. he proceeded to tell me I am a waste of space I do not deserve to live home and I do not deserve anything and that whenever someone asks him how I am doing, he tells them I am a bitch and a piece of shit. he then told me, ""I deserve what is coming"". I am not sure what this means but it is scary. He does own a shotgon he keeps laying on his bed with rounds and he said he is soon buying another rifle. I genuinly did feel threatened and scared, I often do around him, I often get thoughts he is going to swing open my door and shoot me in the back of the head. he has no sense of remorse or sympathy whatsoever. Never answers my phone calls or texts. Someone please give me your insight on this. Do you think I was threatened? Also, yes I am very much old enough to move out. I have struggled with PTSD my entire life and have recently been struggling with extreme anxiety and depression. and I am slowely trying to get out of an extremely hard and dangerous time in my life of self harm. This situation makes it extremely difficult to better my life and be happy, I cannot be myself here. he has ALWAYS put me down for my insecurities and my past of not eating and being scared of life. He tells people I am a horrible person because of my PTSD and my weaknesses and calls me a loser. it is extremely hurtful. I have been sitting here texting a friend just trying to relax and be okay. I just do not know what to do anymore, whenever I do move out, I want to get a restraining order against him because I do not want him apart of my life anymore. I think I have been threatened by a family member I live with",Depression +15151,"I am from a toxic complicated family. My parents are seperated/idk it is complicated. And they make fun of you that you want to kill yourself. Like when they saw me crying they say ""why are you crying? crybaby"" then they laugh at me. They also say mean things behind your back. So i once grabbed a knife then i tried to end my life, but I am scared to die. My depression says to kill myself, but I am scared to die.p.s. sorry for my english it is not my first languange. My anxiety is the only thing keeping me alive.",Depression +15152,WhyI triedWhy I cannot cut itWhyI want to go I cannot,Suicidal +15153,"Sometimes I get so sad and I do not know what to do. Last night I spent several hours crying intermittently. I have had episodes like this since I was a teen and now I am 40 years old. it is exhausting having to feel all this emotion. At least I am not numb, I guess. But how much more do I have to cry until I am finally done? I feel lost in my life. I am at a point where I need to make some decisions. Where to live, what direction to take my career. (Do I even want a career?) I do not have a partner. I have developed feelings for someone who only wants a casual FWB type involvement. I have gone along with it because I do not have many other options, but it is making me feel bad. I want and think I do deserve more. I am angry at myself for again allowing myself to be taken advantage of by an emotionally unavailable man. I knew exactly what I was getting into, but a part of me foolishly thought he would change his mind at some point and want the kind of relationship I want. So, I feel the need to end that and move on. I am just not made for casual involvements like that. I quit drinking alcohol 73 days ago. I have been completely sober. it is been a positive change but now I am feeling everything without any buffer. I have been in and out of therapy since age 18 or so. I suppose I have learned some things about myself and made some positive changes, but it is done nothing to change the fact that I have the capacity for feeling a deep profound sadness that seems to have no bottom. Maybe it is actually kind of a gift, I am not sure. Maybe life really is very sad. Maybe life is actually just sad",Depression +15154,"*I wrote this just so fast, and then decided to share it here. Some things might not make sense. I added notes to explain them. Is quite long.*hey uhm no. not okay. that is not news. I feel like I need to do it, take it. No, not my life. The freaking pen. And just write.My essays, and assignments. And then, suddenly, is not a matter of ideas but of endurance. For how long can I do this? For how long until I collapse?And keep going regardless of the answers.I am shaking. And I had all sorts of thoughts that owuld be qualified for a decent diagnosis. (*I think I have depression, but I am so afraid of getting diagnosed)*. What do I want? A diagnosis?I just want it to be managed. And I can do that. Quietly. Without not so many people noticing. And its good, then.I see their smiles and trust. I would not ever like to break it. Ha. Under normal conditions, I would not. (*nowadays I sort of do not care. I am so numb)*I am fucking slow at realising stuff. I do, and do, and take for granted, and think and think. And then yeah, then I am on the speedrun or shut down mood. (*I am a student, on one of those highly competitive programs? yeah)*I do not really know what I want. Do I want help? Do I need help? Regardless, I do not have time for it. They say, is just stress. Everybody goes through it, you snowflake.So I waste my time at trying to feel better. Coping. Whatever.And then I can suddenly do it. Even if for a brief moment. I can do it. And its alright.I never know what to do exactly. Usually I just end up doing things. And that is bad.It can work. And people laugh. It does not work. And there is that frustrated silence.Why do they trust me so much? What they do not see that makes them believe in me? Why do everyone keeps saying I can?Right. Because I have, before. I did it. Once. And i just it just went badly. But it was completed.And my fingers are cold, as cold as that night. *(That night when I almost drowned in cold water. And solved some things bc I felt so, so guilty).* It should make me tremble, nervous, cry. But compared to all the previous things I have wrote here It kind of makes me calm.Death. Mom, did you know, I spent lots of time thinking about death? Aunt, would it break your heart?Everyone, am I just exaggerating this? *(right, this is actually a valid concern, is not it? I- that is why I shared it here. I do not know if I want validation or to be told ""man up"")*I am such a fake. With people, that I am nice. With teachers, a good student. Parents and family, a usual angsty teen that is kind of happy and good at school.But you know who I am?I just have good ideas once and then.I take pride on them. I like them. And then, ha. They die. Of course. *(Die, as if, they become useless)*Die. die. die. die. And no, this is not a joke. Not a joke.Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joker. (*The Joker, uh... I made a painting of him. And I am mostly ""funny"" with my friends... they sort of associate me a lot to that character. But as in, a meme. it is not always a meme for me).*This is though, such a farse. I could not. All those times I tried, were so damn ineffective. And I realise, that is not what I want. I do not want to end it. I really do not want to have a gun around and kill myself with it. I do not want to because it will be stupid.Such a stupid thing for someone who just needs to cope and develop some good problem solving skills. *(I heard that is what I need, plus, to organize my time)*And shit, I am so damn exhausted. But what have I done? Shit. Nothing. Shit.Just do not do it. *(Remember ""Lovely"" by twenty one pilots? it is a song that makes me just snap out of circling. That happened here)*Please uh wait. I just need to do shit. Not think. So take your pills, you loony. *(I do not take pills, but yesterday I saw a documentary on them, and ""pills for anxiety, panic attacks, Zoloft for depression..."" I think that if I get diagnosed, I will need to take them. And I just do not want to depend on them to live)*Take them. Drug you. Smile. Do. Write. Get collected. Admissions.Oh this is quite a nice story, is not it. Just. Die. *(Right. I do not mean actually taking my life. I mean... I just find it comforting, to know that either way I will be old, and then die. So maybe I do not need to take it. So maybe my time is more limited than I though. And maybe I can extend the good things for longer. Does that happen to any of you?*Die but do shit before. And try not to tell anyone you want to die. (*Like, yes. I want to make the most out of my life. I do not think people would respect me as much if I tell them that sometimes I think of stupid things like these. If I do have depression, I have been hiding it for 4 years now. I am really got at lying, you see)*No for Golden Child or Lost Child. *(Eh, idk which rol I fullfil in my family. It worries me sometimes. Other's I just say ""No, no, my family is healthy"": but then again, they do not know anything about any of this. And whenever they were close to finding out... ""Damn. do not you be all that way. Is frankly ridiculous."")*Just.. idk. Just do not. Just let your fingers get warmer. And listen to your teacher. And avoid getting there, outside. *(While typing this, I stopped shaking and feeling cold. I am on virtual math class. My brother went to take the rubbish outside. I do not handle responsibilities like those at home. I criticize myself a lot for it, but at the end I cannot do it. Yet, is also pretty much ""do not show your face to anyone"": So no help, no Zoom camera, no one at home)*Stay here. (*and ""do shit"").* Spinning Thoughts *vent/",Depression +15155,"My (15F) dad (32M) has been extremely deppresed, and extremely suicidal my entire life. He will not admit it but I am more than confident I was/am the only thing keeping him alive at this point. But he has fallen heavily into drugs and alcohol for the past few years and we had a talk about me going into foster care because he was in no state to take care of me. I have been in foster care for a few months now and everyday i get increasingly more worried about my dad. I love him with all my heart and really do not want him to hurt himself anymore than he already has. He has always done his best to try and hide his tendencies because if me, but he never did a great job. Even when I was a kid I knew he was always very sad and upset. I just want him to be ok, he said while I was in foster care he was going to go to therapy and rehab to see if those help him at all. But part of me believes it could be a too little to late situation, but I really do not want to think that he will not get better because I want him to. I am extremely worried about my dad",Depression +15156,"My life is worthless.I have done everything I can, to be the best I could. But demons chase me in my nightmares. In the back of my head, I stuff them into dark rooms in my mind, but their darkness bleeds out and corrupts my heart.I know people are good. I see beauty in everyone that opens their heart before. Friend, family, partner....There is beauty in all, and I pour love. I sacrifice my heart and my life, to give my everything to see others built up. I commit to giving 25% of all income to the helping and building up of others. I carry 5's in my car at all time for the homeless. I almost always stop for the people walking on the side of the highway. I could tell you the names and stories of several of the homeless in this city, because I used to spend my time sitting with them, giving hugs, and rides. I love and cherish others.And I am alone. I have always been. This lastest abandonment is my own damn fault too. I fell in love with a married woman. I would not have, except that her marriage was one in which she was neglected and abused. And I took up the mantle of loving the gorgeous depths of her heart. But the facade came down, and the victim ran back to her abuser. That one is on me.But the only person to actually see me, and love me, and not leave, died after 5 short years.The relationship before, fell apart because she was emotionally abusive. She could not be wrong, would shift blame, and use guilt to avoid having to admit fault over anything serious. When I finally confronted her, she left.I am not a perfect person, I do not hold any doubt that I am my own ball of wax. But I am self-sacrificing and other-focused. I can see and take responsibility for my failures and Absolutely give my life to always bettering myself. My sole ambition is to be the best man, and best potential husband, for the woman I assumed was walking on this earth, waiting for me to find her.Yet all my efforts are for naught. I search and search and put myself out there in so many ways, yet connections are few, and the ones that do form, fade away quite rapidly.My one fear is that I am unlovable. And I am walking down the dark streets in my mind that led to two previous attempts on my life. But the difference between then and now, is I live in a city that you could be shot for just walking down the street at night.Now I spend 17-22 hours a day, just trying to find something to do, someone to talk to, still searching for someone to love my desolate, worthless soul. My heart yearns to leave the dark streets of my mind, and take the last walk I would ever walk, down into darkness. It will not take long now.I do not want to die. I want the pain to end. I walk the path of destruction again.",Suicidal +15157,I am so close to ending it. I find everyday more difficult and challenging than the last and I do not feel like trying. I just want to die please I just want to die. I cannot do this I cannot do this. This is unfair. This is cruel. I wish I had never never never been born. This is torture. Living is torturing me. Hanging on by a thread,Suicidal +15158,"but I feel more comfortable being at school and mall, or any places that is not my house. I am only asking for one thing and that is to get me out of this house. But the pandemic ruined my hopes. This country is getting worse too and its not helping. Its like everything and everyone is working against me just to keep me trapped in here and its already been 1 year. I would really end myself if nothing goes back to normal and that there really is no hope I miss the times where the pandemic was not a thing",Suicidal +15159,Goodbye to my friends. Family. cats. Whatever. I am not staying to see this life getting even messier. this was the last straw,Suicidal +15160,"I (16F) had a breakdown in front of my mom (51F) the other night. After that, I heard her crying in her room. Of course my heart hurt hearing her cry but at the time I was so lost in my own resentment I could not feel bad for her and I was too focused on myself, I am sorry. Now she is just carrying on with her day like nothing happened, unlike the other times where she would drive me around the city to hopefully cheer me up. Just ignoring me now. Tbh I deserve it.I know I am a fucking asshole and a shit daughter.I know I cannot count on others to pick me up when I break down like this, especially when I am the piece of shit in this scenario but I cannot help myself. Right now I feel like she is tired of my dramatic shit, hence she is ignoring me, letting me do whatever I want. she is just waiting for me to get my shit together to so I can stand on my own and actually get shit done. But I refuse to. I do not want to try anymore. I am fucking tired, so fucking tired of acting like I am strong, motivating myself all over again so I can end up exactly like this again and again and again. I do not want a better life for myself. she is better off without me, she has more loyal friends than I will ever have. I do not want to try for her or for myself because I do not want to go through that shit again. I just want everything to end. I feel like everyone is just waiting for me",Suicidal +15161,"Honest question here, I want to admit to this but I do not want my life to go to shit. I have bottled my emotions for years now and just need to get some extra help by admitting my darkest thoughts. Will I be able to do my normal life? What happens after you admit to suicidal thought?",Depression +15162,Which is the easiest and painless way of killing myself? How can I do it?,Suicidal +15163,"I love to collect cute notebooks but never knows what to do with it, I tried Bullet Journaling but cannot stick to it. I am trying to occup myself with nice things, but depression makes it difficult. I am also not very creative, I would like to be but I am bad at drawing, writing, and many other things... Still I would like to find fun uses of notebooks and get out of my head a little. Any ideas ? Idea of uses for a notebook ?",Depression +15164,I cannot ever enjoy anything because it just makes me sad Any time I feel pleasure it is instantly transmuted into sadness,Depression +15165,"I have a year before my parents move from my home town to buttfuck vermont and if I have to come with them, I know it will be the end. I know myself and my mental health enough to know it will be the end. I have been looking for a job for six months now, sent out 70 plus applications, got one callback that dropped me after the second round. Its not going to happen. Every day I dread getting up more and more, dread facing my parents, having to go through the motions. I am so exhausted. I have alienated almost everyone I care about. After my rape in high school, I became she will shocked, terrified of people and my phone, lost the ability to communicate and sustain friendships. My partner is dropping hints they see no future with me, and neither do I. I look back at the ambitious, creative girl I used to be as a child and she is a stranger. There is no future. I am never going to find a job. I am never going to move out. I am never going to make anything of myself. I am worthless.",Suicidal +15166,"Turns out the lot of you were right. You will not remember it, but you were right. I am not a good person. I just wanted to be. Turns out I am an evil bastard. I need to die. I need to shuffle off this mortal coil, and never trouble anyone ever again. And that is all I bring, terrible trouble. Anyhow, this is goodbye. To anyone who might find this: you never really knew me. I used to try to help people with their problems, as a way to heal my own wounds. I did a lot of things I regret, and now I need to go.",Suicidal +15167,"There are lots of things that we do not have control over: shitty stuff people do to us and to others, mental illnesses, family members, even being born. So sometimes, I think that suicide is the only thing we can have control over. it is entirely up to us if we would jump off the cliff or not. Just my thoughts. it is the only thing I will have control over",Suicidal +15168,I have been in love with my bestfriend that I have known for 6 years and I have loved her for 5 years I want to tell her but I cannot because I feel like it will complicate things since we are neighbors and we just started to work together and since she does not know how I feel about her there are guys hitting on her and she likes one of them and I just want everything to end because the only time I feel like a living person not just some emotionless husk is when I am around her when I hangout with her when I talk to her because she makes me just feel alive and sometimes I feel like sometimes she knows how I feel and then sometimes I feel like she feels the same way I feel about her but then the next day she talks about the guy she likes and it just destroys me mentally so much that I feel like I am going back to how I was 2 years ago to how I was just a pathetic fat fuck who cannot do shit right and it hurts cuz I do not like to be in that state of being because I just cannot live like that again because it hurts so much to the point of no return I am in love with someone that I have known for 6 years,Depression +15169,"it is really bad seeing how many people struggle. I wish I could help each and everyone of them. If you are reading this, know that I am rooting for you all. And I hope your day gets better, peaceful and happy. I wish I could help everybody here",Depression +15170,"First of all, I am sorry if this is not the right sub to post this in,, (if this is not the right sub for this, can someone please suggest another sub?)So, this guy and I went to the same primary school and high school and like a month ago he suddenly commented on my post on Instagram and ever since he is been messaging me every single day. he is been suggesting all sorts of things for us to do together like stargazing, playing board games, going for walks etc. And yeah, those things are nice and all, but I am an extreme introvert with unresolved trauma from previous friendships who has not really had friends in about 3-4 years and I am just so out of it and overwhelmed by him wanting to meet so often. it is also pretty obvious he really likes me and I do not like him, so idfk how to deal with that either. Like he is super nice and all but I just... cannot. Idk what to do bc he just texted me again asking to meet up again soon.Like yeah, it is nice when we do meet up, but with the everyday messages and all his plans,, it is just too much for me. I cannot deal with it. But I also do not want to hurt him because he IS a really nice person... I am just not ready to have friends. And since it is summer, I really cannot meet when it is hot because I have a whole arm covered in VERY obvious cuts and like..... help????? Guy from primary school messages me everyday and wants to meet pretty often and I just am too fucking tired and overwhelmed by people to be making a new friend rn.",Depression +15171,"I am a 24 year old female, I have been diagnosed with depression since 16 and been on multiple tablet, citalopram, escitalopram, setroline, propranolol and I am sick of the side effects. I sleep my life away, I can sleep for 14+ hours a day, I struggle to get out of bed, I have put on weight I cannot shift and my libido is none existent. I am currently fighting my hardest to get prescribed bupropion but I am in the UK and nobody is willing to listen to me. I feel like I am going to overthink myself to death. I give myself migraines everyday from constant thinking, I am highly controlled by the weather, if its a muggy rainy day I will not get out of bed. I am just sick of being like this, last time I came off my citalopram I had a mental breakdown so I know they are doing something just not enough and not in the right areas. Please help any opinion is welcomed Cry for help",Depression +15172,The last few months I have been exploring my gender. I am AMAB. I always feel happy when I am dressed female or have makeup on or get nails done etc. I have also struggled with depression for my entire life and this year was diagnosed with anxiety/depression. The more I have leaned into gender searching though the more I have felt good. I just do not know at this point whether I am trying to escape my reality by using an alternative persona or if its just my ocd getting out of control. Thoughts? Is there a chance I am using the thought that I am trans as a way to escape my unhappiness?,Depression +15173,"Once I saw this subreddit I thought it would be alright if I could also share my problems. I have been constantly waking up to a horrible day and needing to find things to cheer me up since Middle School, but lately its gotten much worse and I am constantly waking up wanting to just end it all. I still keep in contact with my friends but not frequently do we talk or anything. My days are filled with myself looking for things that will cheer me up only to be disappointed. Is it seriously okay to have suicidal thoughts at such a young age. Hopefully I will find my relief from these days. Just some thoughts I would been waiting to share.",Depression +15174,"Support and hugs needed I am not perfect. I can and do make mistakes. Pretty big and bad social mistakes. Yelling, saying hurtful things, anxiety-anger attacks, and I do not mean to hurt anyone with this. I read what people say about people like me and it hurts. Why cannot we just the more understanding and kind online? So much judging I get sad because I absorb it all. These people are talking so horribly about traits I have. It makes me feel like I am a terrible person even when I am not. There more to me than these traits and I am working on them. Reading comments online hurts and I cannot stop",Depression +15175,"This is probably the most common title, but I do need help. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for more than a year now, but in the last 2 months its been spiralling out of control. I have been pushing myself away from others, being disconnected from my friends and family as I have only showed a fake side of me my entire life, and every second thought being I want to die with my only emotion being worthlessness. Everything that goes wrong I either blame others or I call myself a disappointment. Everything I have told myself to build up my confidence and self belief I now realise was a lie as I pushed everything down until it was nothing other than a foggy memory and just seemed like me overreacting. I do not know what to do and the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my indecisiveness and the fact that I am scared. If any one can offer me advise, please answer. I need help",Depression +15176,"Throughout the last few years I have been going through this cycle of being essentially completely dysfunctional due to depression followed by a few weeks or a month where I manage to get back on the horse, work out, eat better, focus on goals and hobbies, just to suddenly slide backwards even further than I was before. The good times are getting shorter and the bad times are getting longer. I can feel myself screwing my own life over and it worries me, but at the same time I feel indifferent. Getting a little better just to slide even further backwards is the worst feeling",Depression +15177,Honestly I am depressed af lol. The suicidal thoughts have calmed down a little only because I have not been sober for one day. I do not think actually for a hour . I have been drinking to drink myself into a coma tbh. Sadly has not worked cuz I am still here. Something rlly bad happened to me that crushed my soul and inknow I will not be the same anymore but everyone thinks I am being dramatic but I am not. This is the lowest I have been. I wish I would stop waking up tbh. Depressed af,Depression +15178,"I know I will not do anything that would end everything immediately, but does starving myself count? I hate that instead of actual help, all I have been getting from the people I share my problems to are guilt trips. All I get from them are words like ""I will not be able to forgive you if you kill yourself"" or ""Imagine what it would be like for us who cared."" So instead of actually doing it I decided to starve myself and turn to alcohol and cigarettes with the hope that I might actually catch something, get sick, then die. I have been having tons of suicidal ideations",Suicidal +15179,"People can say its not my fault for being depressed all they want, but I am just dead weight to anyone in my life. Literally a useless waste of a human. How pathetic. I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with me",Depression +15180,"I generally feel fine whenever my depression is away, but it comes back there is this giant tornado following me around. I have trouble sleeping, doing the things I like to do, communicate with friends and family, etc etc. Even if I wanted to talk to people about it, its hard to truly trust anyone. My family gets overly concerned to the point where I feel like a child, any friend I felt like I could open up to about is not there so to idiotic drama or social distance (not THAT social distance, just not catching up regularly), and my fianc rarely seems to ever show the emotional support that helps. I hate opening up to her because its always alienation or an argument, and the idea of both makes me feel so fucking alone. I have started cutting myself at the age of 27 because it feels oddly rewarding. I just do not know why to do anymore. Any time I try for therapy it always ends bad: whether the therapist uses me as a pawn for their psych experiments, completely forgets to pencil me in when I have an appointment with them, or generally just get a vibe that I cannot trust this person. I have trouble trusting anyone and its lead me to contemplate suicide again, and I fucking hate that. Even writing this I feel like I am just asking for attention but I am serious at an ends here. I do not know what to do and I am sick of being pushed around and told me my life is good and I should be happy. I am sick of being peoples pawn and punching bag. I do not feel like I need to prove any social dominance to gladly exist as a human being. I am in a struggle and feel like I am at a dead end",Suicidal +15181,"While I am writing this I am still sitting in my car thinking if I should do it. I am seriously done with my life. I hate everything that has happened in it and all the mistakes i have made. I do not blame other people for this. it is all my own fault and i deserve to die for it. I have not done anything illegal or like that. I just made bad choices like not speaking to my parents about this, not getting mental help earlier and trying to persue school that I am not smart enough to do because of disabillities. I just feel that I am not good enough for this sociaty and world...Sorry if my english is bad. Native Finnish I was just walking through a forest looking to kill myself.",Suicidal +15182,"I am about to graduate nursing school and I just know in my heart I have made a huge mistake and it is not for me. I have just wasted years of my life and I am so mad at myself for going through all of this. I really do not know what I want in life and I am 35! I was raised in a high control religion, so I was raised suppressing my own desires and wants. Both of my parents committed suicide, my mother when I was 19 and my father when I was 25 and I have just been trying to cope. I thought this career might help but I have gone into it for the wrong reasons and I just have too much anxiety to even see myself continuing. I got out of the religion about 3 years ago just as I was entering nursing school and now I have been cut off from basically all of the friends and family I had. I am just a huge failure and a waste. I have wasted my life",Depression +15183,"I know I will never be able to help myself. I have been apathetic my whole life and I am never going to change. Constant ruminations, zero self esteem, anxiety and loneliness. Fucking wonderful, lucky me. Been obese since I was 6, I am 22 now, I know ill never lose it. I have tried and tried but nothing. Never spoken to a girl before so I will always be alone.Knowing all this I still cannot be bothered to help myself escape it, I have got the support from family but nothing will change unless I change and we know that is never going to happen.Getting thoughts of suicide and a constant wish for it to be over but I could not hurt my mom like that, it would break her. Unable to help myself.",Suicidal +15184,I am so sorry There is no hope for me,Suicidal +15185,"I think my friend is depressed. However, I am also depressed and have very little energy. How do I help her? How to help a friend with depression?",Depression +15186,I want to be a firefighter cuz i want to die for the sake of the others A Stoic Dream...,Suicidal +15187,"I work for enterprise and I just had to pick up a customer. She put her mask on, so I thought ""okay she is still being cautious of covid"". I drop her off at the office and I go in to see her mask hanging from one year standing as close as we were in the car with my co worker. She eventually took it off completely. This makes me feel major depression. I believe I am ugly and others think so too. I have had hook ups with girls before, but believe I have never dated anyone because I am ugly, that and my personality is not good maybe. Is it just me or was she being biased/ judgemental towards me for no reason? Treated different than others?",Depression +15188,"I just got pushed down more and they just told me my opinion does not matter. Like bitch I am also part of this family, if you do not like me just kill me, as if i ever enjoyed your company. I just for once tried opening up with people and got out of my she will but people just hate me and i just got pushed down more. when you ask your kid to open up for years and then one day finally he tries opening up, you just push him down further, congratulations. Just giving me more reasons to remain in my she will, depressed and to hate them and myself, just have to now live life like this till the point i break because they are never going to change.In this past week, i already lost my best friend. I am just useless i could not even save her how am i supposed to save myself. I just hate myself Today i finally tried talking more with my family and tried to open up and guess what",Depression +15189,"For all that I went through. For all the support that I never had. For all the things that I was blamed for despite the one going through the trauma already. For the life I never had. For the life I will never have. I grieve. For myself. For the little me. For the older me. For me. As I kill myself tonight, I grieve. I grieve for myself.",Suicidal +15190,"Today seemed like a nice day, the weather is good for once and I felt okay. Being in Home Office I started my day as usual and got to work. After a few exhausting hours and 10 Minutes before a deadline my boss realized, that I made a mistake and she quickly fixed it herself.And what can I say - I feel like an absolute useless piece of shit who cannot get anything right. She told me in a nice way and was not even mad but still I feel like a total failure. And knowing it is nothing important and that it still gets me to the point I am crying my eyes out, I ask myself will it ever stop? Will it ever get better? I am in therapy since a few weeks but so far I do not see any progress and maybe I am too harsh with myself, I cannot help it to think that I will never be fixed again.Sorry I just had to rant about this whole situation, thank you for reading. Feeling like a failure",Depression +15191,"Long story short, I have (23F) been feeling very low recently. I have struggled with mental health issues in the past, but nothing that has ever properly affected life to the point of wanting to just disappear. I work 40 hours a week, the usual. I have a long distance boyfriend who I have been with for almost 3 years; very happy with him etc. I do enjoy my job for the most part, which I am very lucky to have. Over the last month, I have realised I am just not myself. Have been feeling incredibly low, agitated, just generally like life is pointless and I am never going anywhere. I hate this as I am not a sad person and normally can get myself out of a rut. I have been distancing myself from my friends and just staying home as much as I can, as its the only place i feel completely safe and somewhat happy. I received news today that my partner is being deployed to a different country and I will not be able to see him for 6 months. This has completely broke me and sent me over the edge. I found out in work this morning and have been a mess ever since. I work in an office alone (covid) so none of my coworkers can actually tell I am a mess. But even though this news could be the reason I am so sad, it would not explain how sad I have felt recently and how I have reacted. I am genuinely just at a loss, terrified I am going to feel like this forever. Terrified to go to the doctors, as they have never taken me seriously. Terrified to tell my boss as I feel like he will not take me seriously. I guess I am just looking for some advice on what/where/who to go to? Am I Depressed?",Depression +15192,"I have been prepping to kill myself for the last few months. Typed up letters for my family. Then out of nowhere, something clicked. Ever since June I have been wanting to live. I got a new job, and a dog. Then in July some jerk ran over my dog, and I seen a victim of a crime dying on the street. He was shot. Initially I just chalked both up to bad timing and tried to deal with them in therapy. That was unsuccessful. I now feel more committed than before. I want to do this now. The peace I get from thinking about death is hard to ignore. I am tapped. Any suggestions?",Suicidal +15193,"They are dumb, they do not help, your family will find out you called. Do not ever give your name to the suicide hotline. Never. NEVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE YOUR NAME OR ADDRESS TO THE NATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE USA",Depression +15194,"TLDR: **What type of lay-out do you have in your apartment / house that you find helps lift your mood?** **Vs what type of lay-out do you find is not helpful for your moods?**Thanks for any answers! I use my computer in a loft With a large chair that folds out to a bed. There is this nagging sensation that laying down in a loft while using the computer (Playing games / reddit whatever) is actually contributing to my worse moods. What to hear from others. Computer / TV / Apartment-setup to increase mood, fight depression?",Depression +15195,that is pretty much it. I am so lonely and touch deprived that I just need someone to hold me. For hours. I need a hug,Depression +15196,Called the National suicide hotline. My whole family found out. I need to talk to someone. The person that did not help me was named Clarence. How do I make sure he never speaks to anyone again? I need advice for clients rights services,Depression +15197,my parents said that and i want to actually do it now just to spite them ig My parents said they would kill me if it was not a big hassle,Suicidal +15198,Took 8 or 9 anadin paracetamol last night with vodka. Not all in one go. Probably about an hour maybe longer.Feeling overall OK but slight discomfort on my left side. Will I be OK? Paracetamol,Suicidal +15199,"I am currently studying master at a Germany University. Currently, I am doing my master thesis. I have been doing it for almost 8 months, and it will be continued up to November 2021. My professor and group leader were nice and good, but unfortunately, my guide (a PhD scholar) exploiting me too much. Every day I do work from 9:00 AM to 3.00 AM (night). No Sunday or Saturday's in my life. I do not find time to write a thesis report, cook or eat anything; hence, I eat only once a day by getting food from outside. The important thing is she never does any work. She just sits at home and my results ( I have to send every photo of work)The problem is I tried to talk to her about my situation many times. Whenever I speak about this, she tells me that if you want comfortable life you will not get a good grade since she is going to suggest my performance to the professor while grading. Most of the time she speaks very rudely to me. If I go tell this to my professor or my group leader, they will just inform her to not do this (They cannot understand the pain and harassment I am going through). But, eventually, she will hate me more for reporting to the professor and decrease my grade (She will give me the least grade (German -3.0 or 4.0), with this, I will not be eligible for any of the PhD positions (Minimum requirement is 2.7). I cannot find jobs since my course is pure science; hence, it is extremely difficult to find jobs without the knowledge of German. I cannot bear harresment from my guide and I cannot leave that topic and her and do another thesis since I have already registered for the thesis; hence I cannot do anything now. I have lots of financial problems as well as extreme pressure from my family. I do not know what to do, I have started hating society and the system. I could not be able to find any peace. I am a very hard-working and sincere person, still, people are exploiting me and harassing me. I have decided to not live in this kind of world since I cannot see myself without a job in the future even though I worked so hard.I just want to post it here and see if anyone can help me. I have been thinking that it is easy to find peace by dying. I am being exploited and wanted to end my life.",Suicidal +15200,The only thing keeping me here is the guilt of how much Id hurt my family if I killed myself. Its so painful to be alive. I hate my life but my parents would not be able to move on if I killed my self. Without them there is no reason for me to stay here. I just want to know what to say to have them forgive me and move on with their lives after I am gone. I am searching for a reason to stay other than guilt. I have put them through so much. I am only alive for other people,Depression +15201,every year there is a small fair at my middle school where alot of people that used to go there go to and its today but the fake friends that fucked up my life alot are going to be there so I do not want to go but it might also be the last time I am able to do this with my family so I feel bad if I do not go but they also still think I am still friends with them so its going to suck what should I do,Suicidal +15202,"How hard it is to even live a day doing nothing but being at war with your mind and body, fighting just to shower and get dressed, having so many thoughts and feelings that it makes you wonder is the next day worth it. Just being mentally tired all day. Life is hard",Depression +15203,I thought I was over this but life has not changed in years for me I am still tired and sad from growing up to fast and now working everyday at a job I hate. I have been trying to find motivation but nothing has gotten me to truly feel great and worth it. I always wanted to start dating someone but I am scared that they will not be worth my time and just make things more difficult. My parents are always ridiculing me on not being good enough and it just hurts even more. I have gotten so low again I have started cutting myself because I feel like I need to punish myself for being an absolute fool of a human. The only thing stopping me from putting a bullet through my skull is my religious values. Covid opened up a new world for me it showed that I could work every day and not even make a close amount of money to people on unemployment who sit at home on there asses all day. I feel like if there is one more factor in my life that will stress me out then that will be it. I wish I could have enjoyed my younger years more. Now I am all grown up with a hellish schedule and people who could care less about me than the size of there turds. I am shorter than the average man to and women so I am very weak and always looked down upon. Once a man at work looked at me and said that I should smile more. I told him there is nothing to smile about. Back to self harming again,Depression +15204,"i know hes been struggling with depression really bad lately, I have tried my best to be there as much as i can. it all got worse over this stupid girl whose just playing with him. hes good looking, fit, i do not even know where to begin for what to talk/ ask I am just really worried that its starting to seem like he might actually do it. i cannot watch over him 24/7 and i cannot get him to realize that hell be ok and that it will all get a little better, he recently started seeing a therapist and it was going good for him until he started seeing this girl again. his parents know and have tried to get him help. and i just do not know what more i can do i think my friend is going to kill himself",Suicidal +15205,"Everything just sucks. I am in a very unhappy relationship that is fully controlled (girlfriend has to have every initial condition tailored to her emotion), annoying sounds are harder to alleviate, neighbor has an uncared for dog that barks constantly (which girlfriend will like to scream about, you can visibly see dog poo on their balcony where they leave the animal), Epstein did not kill himself, hammocks do not bring me happiness, I drive a shitty car that is most likely giving me carbon monoxide poisoning yet I spend 1500 on bills. I cannot do that shit anymore. I just want out of this fucking flesh prison. Is my only reasoning for being here is Monsters Inc? Is my depression just something to be harvested for the exterior world????I just want to fucking die like more than 50% of my thoughts are suicidal to the point I cringe hard af then have to heavy sigh. Thanks for listening friends, I wish you all the best in what you are going through. I am almost to my hanging point",Suicidal +15206,"I have always tried my hardest to help my friends just to realise, 5 years later, that they have wasted what was meant to be the best years of my life. I went through the entirety of secondary school chasing people and trying to be involved.I am now sitting here with no friends at all. The same people that I were chasing still try to fuck me over for the fun of it and each time I fall for it in the hope that they actually like me. No matter how many times I block them, they will find a way to talk to me, they will apologise and then go right back to fucking me over.I keep having urges to try and drown myself in the sink or try to overdose on all of the medication that I have in my house. If you are currently in a similar situation, get out now. I let it happen and I am fucking miserable. My fake friends gave me false hope for 5 years and now I have suicidal thoughts.",Depression +15207,I was sleeping with my bird today it was her favourite thing to do but when I woke up she would been crushed by me and I killed her when I was sleeping. I miss her so much I would give anything to not do it but I cannot stop thinking about it and it is all my fault I killed her and that is it if I had taken her out of my room she would still be alive but I am stupid and selfish and didn'tSo what do I do please help me I killed my bird today,Depression +15208,Turns out my sister runs the local crisis center. The dumb duck on the phone did not tell me the director of the place has the same last name as me. There is literally no help for me. USA I called the National suicide hotline and my whole family found out,Depression +15209,"My girlfriend, who is currently about 500 miles away, just texted me a several paragraph explanation of how she tried to commit suicide (took pills and jumped in the ocean), but she indicated that she was rescued.After I responded asking her where she was (the only message I sent that went through) she said ""things are over between us"" then I think she blocked me (all calls going to voicemail, other texts not sending). I have tried to find out what hospital she might have been taken to, but no hospitals have any record of her, and search and rescue has no record of finding her.She is not the person to lie about something like this, but I suppose it is possible.I am very worried that there are still pills in her system and I do not know what to do since her phone is off/I am blocked. she was with a friend who I have tried to contact through social media (do not have her phone number). what can I do? I feel like I am going crazy. I am so worried about her. I love her so much Girlfriend just told me tried to commit suicide, then blocked me",Suicidal +15210,"Please anyone who has been in the same situation give me some advice? My girlfriend and I experienced a very difficult loss a few months ago and as a result she was prescribed Mirtazapine 30mg, which she was on previously a few years ago (along with a few other prescriptions)However she has decided to go cold turkey this past 2 weeks and we have deteriorated. We just got a puppy whilst she was still on the tablets and literally a week after going cold turkey she has completely changed and decided she does not want to be with me anymore. She told me that she was worried what going cold turkey will do to her as she is experienced it before but now she is in the withdrawal she is refusing to acknowledge it at all. Of course I respect her decision but I really feel the withdrawal is playing a part in this and I am worried about her. We are in love and were more than happy literally just 3 weeks ago and she would tell me every day how much I mean etc. The sudden change seems too much and if anyone has any advice or similar experiences please let me know as I just want her to be happy again Relationship issues after girlfriend going cold turkey Mirtazapine",Depression +15211,"I cannot seem to find the motivation today to be positive and productive. I just want to crawl back into bed and fall apart. I want to blame it on sleep deprivation, but I would only being lying to myself more than normal. I have made some bad decisions in life and I am paying for them now. I just want a chance for a fresh start and new opportunities but I am afraid those dried up a long time ago. Not sure I would have the motivation to capitalize on a good opportunity if one did come along. I think I have gotten too familiar with being unhappy to change. Feeling down",Depression +15212,"Since the pandemic my (20F) motivation and drive has been a roller coaster, but since January, it has not got much better. Since I graduated and got my associates back in July, I have felt a weight off my shoulders and I feel better than how I was in January-June, but I am still not my old self again and I am dying to get it back. I am currently seeking counseling, but I really need to switch who I am seeing because I feel she is not really guiding me in any direction. Our sessions are an hour a week, but when we talk we just seem to chit chat about almost anything and I never feel any better after the session. Currently living on autopilot but I hope to stop that soon. I work full time as an intern and I dance several days a week after work, so I am definitely doing something. My counselor recommends being more social but a lot of the friends I want to see seem out of reach, but that is mostly not their fault. I want to get back to my old organized and motivated self. I am typically a huge planner but I have made every decision on the whim or at random. Almost all my normal hobbies I have not done in a while. When I am not at work or dance class I am probably on YouTube. One of my most destructive habits is that I am an all-or-nothing person and I need to work on that and building myself up gradually instead of trying to jam-pack my schedule just to burn out days later. I can plan out every moment of my day and do virtually nothing. My attention span and focus is a lot shorter than before.I definitely wish to get over this soon because I restart school in very late August for my bachelor's and that is not something to mess around with, so immediate help is going to be necessary. How can I get myself back on the right track? I am sick of this. For those who were successful, how did you successfully get out of your ""funk""?",Depression +15213,"I am from Rome, Italy. I moved to Finland and lived there for 3 years. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD and the daily life in Finland slowly pushed me into depression. I started drinking a lot and after 2 years, I still drink at least 3/4 beers a day to numb the pain. I had to move to my parent's house since I still do not have a job and they are highly toxic. Recently, they told us they are having a divorce because my dad came out as gay and has been cheating on my mom for decades with other men. Recently, my best friend (I have known her for more than 20 years) had a mental breakdown and attempted suicide. She is now in the psych ward and I do not recognize her. I do not have a job because covid happened and my parents are always away, I have been alone at home for months now drinking everyday, taking drunk naps and waking up feeling even more depressed day by day. I did not ask for all this but here I am, in the middle of everything and I do not know how to cope with this pain anymore. If anyone could share any life experience related to mine and offer some support, it would be gladly appreciated. I ran away from my life in Finland because of depression, only to get my life torn apart even more in my home country",Depression +15214,i hate college. i know its not suppose to be easy but its way too stressful. i might fail this class I am currently in and i do not know what my parents will do if i fail. i just want to be able to focus on me and my life and well-being for once and not work and school. i want to take time off school but I am scared because my family would hate me for it and idk where i would work. id feel like a failure too if i did that. i do not know what to do. 1 in 5 college students are so stressed out they consider suicide. i am that 1 in 5.,Depression +15215,"Hey everyone sorry for my english its not my first language I have chronic insomnia and basically its been 41 days since i stopped taking mirtazapine and the withdrawal was horrible, my question is I am travelling for an important event and i ran out of Ambien and my sister takes mirtazapine my question is would it be bad if i take only 7.5 mg for 5 days only or my whole withdrawal process and would i have another withdrawal or is itOk? Thank you so much. I could use some advice please",Depression +15216,I just found out my sister worked there. Not only will I kill my self Ill be out of a job and do will she. Do not ever call the suicide hotline. Do not ever call the national suicide hotline,Depression +15217,"Tldr: reccomending my favourite movie that I finally watched in the middle of my depression and suicidal tndancies. Now hear me out. But The Last Samurai. Loads of people rip on it for not being historically accurate in places and having a few Hollywood movie tropes. But when I came across this movie on TV and just watched it.. I was laying in bed all day everyday so upset with myself I was frustrated and wanting to cry but could never do it. It made me self harm out of frustration sometimes. But most of the time I was just numb laying down staring at the ceiling with the TV on in the back. As I was watching it I was relating to Tom cruises character more and more. (Suicidal and alcohol abusing man struggling with his past) It was the first thing that broke me out of constantly thinking in my head for months. Watching the movie. Seeing this man struggle and only end up doing the same thing over again hit home. Then getting captured broke the cycle, he started recovering from his alcoholism and started caring about things. Started caring for the child of the man he killed. He was finding a purpose. I always never understood people that say ""this book changed me"" ""this person snapped me out of it"" how can something just make you 180 on your feelings. But this movie started doing it for me. I was drawn in. Getting hope for this character and rooting for him. Then in the final battle scene, seeing this man that was broken, fighting for something he truly believed in. I am not ashamed to say I actually cried. I cried for about an hour. I was so happy that I was crying it made me cry more. Like I said before I always thought it was stupid or just a lie when people say stories or people just make them snap out of it. But this did it for me in a way. It was not overnight but it put the wheels in motion that there was hope. Its possible. I encourage you to watch it. It might not work. You might find it boring. Or you may be lucky like me and it snaps you out of your own mind and make you feel emotion again. Please keep trying it can get better. This movie helped me",Suicidal +15218,Throwaway account. I feel ashamed of myself for failing at school.. for failing at every attempt I tried to become successful.. I am ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of myself.I am ashamed of myself. I feel I have put my family behind... I could have given my daughter better things by now if I did not fuck it all up... and I keep fucking things up as I try to make things better. I should have just stayed home a few more extra hours when my appendix raptured and my death could have been excused but now I have to live with feeling of wanting to die but cannot do it because I would ruin other peoples life... I am such a loner.. I am thankful for my wife. my sister. my mom. my daughter. that is it. I got no one else. have not had a conversation that matters with anyone else in over 10 years. I come off as a weirdo. I guess things could be worst but they could have certainly been better if it was not for my stupid ass. Feeling the pressure,Depression +15219,"I have been fighting this for so long. I have been in therapy for 10 years, on the highest dose of medication I can be. I have had stays in hospital. I have no one left to talk to, the only people I have in my life distance themselves from me as soon as things get bad so I can never admit they are. I do not know what else to do. I cannot do this anymore",Depression +15220,"it is been 5 or 6 years since I had depression. I take Xanax but the symptoms never seem to lighten. I am a South Korean student in 12th grade, thus preparing for college. I find it pretty hard to study with my symptoms - maintaining a 'average' grade not high enough for my goals but not low enough to give up. Adding up to the self hate I already have, I am becoming increasingly indifferent to lots of things. I used to be interested in quite a lot of subjects, but not anymore. Even the hobbies and friends are getting out of my attention. It feels like my brain is fogged, I cannot think clearly and keep zoning out. I do not want to live my future life since it is so - not fun. I do not find a reason to live. Is this because of depression or is it because I am just lazy and wasting my life? I feel indifferent to everything.",Depression +15221,"So today was supposed to be my first day at work and my family was super happy about it because I am very depressed and hardly leave my house. I was in a shitty mood so I took some xanax and smoked some weedand went to work, (I know I am a worthless drug addict) but I forgot my phone and the doors were locked since the dining area was not open until 10:00. So I had to drive home to get my phone, but by the time I got back it I was an hour late so I came home and explained to everyone why I am a massive failure who is so weak that he cannot even live.I have become what I was most scared of becoming, a redditor that does drugs and plays video games all day. I cannot believe that my life ended up being like this. it is not really like I can get better either, my parents try to support me but they just cannot deal with my issues (which is understandable) And my Friends just fucking dumped my ass to the curb after I started getting very depressed and taking hella pills, I have a therapist but I can only see her like once a month.This pandemic just completely fucked my life. I was still depressed before the pandemic but not to this level, things were getting better and then covid happened.I just do not like life, people, this world, and society. I just cannot deal with all the horibble shit that happens in this world and to me .I can tell my parents are disappointed in me, but I cannot blame them. I also told them that I do not believe in God anymore because this world is too fucked up to have a God running it, and if God does exhist than he just fucking hates me and this world and is a vengeful peice of shit motherfucker that I would never worshipMy life is in shambles I am just going die nodding off idgaf anymore, life is too shit to go on. I feel absolutaly (sorry I took xanx and forgot how to spell that) drained of my soul and being, I just want my LIFE back, I just want ME back and I just do not know what to do because the only support I have is the half ass meme advice my parents give me and my therapist who does not help much and can only see me once a monthI do not have any friends, I have nobody, I do not have a soul and no really gives a shit about me and I am completely alone in this world. Fuck everything. I never fail to disappoint everyone",Suicidal +15222,"I have friends, but they only talk to me if I contact them first, I have a car, going out on dates with a girl, entered the University I wanted, yet I feel so alone and anything I do is meaningless. Last year one of my best friends died, I broke up with my toxic ex and my parents treat me like If I was the worst son. I feel like I have lost sight of who I am or was, and that nobody actually likes me enough to consider me their friend . Although I did get a great job and my life is ""better than ever"" I just feel like days are just passing by and I am just going with the flow of what I am supposed to do. I wish to just sleep one day and never wake up. I feel like each day the idea of killing myself does not seem too bad.",Suicidal +15223,I just learned about some information that might make my life a living hell soon. I want to die. I feel like a coward. There are people in situations so much worse than mine making the best of things and then there is me. God I swear I am the biggest pussy on the planet and my family will be better off without me. I feel like going for a run and just find a nice spot to kill myself.My family should not be burdened with my incompetence I am having a panic attack,Suicidal +15224,"Not looking for advice necessarily but shit if you have any lmk I just need to vent and be heard because I do not have anyone in my personal life to talk to. I am an introvert so its easy for me to be alone, however having no emotional support can be rough. I have had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. It started to get really bad when I was around 12. I am 22 now, and I still struggle with it. My family members and the people I work with think I am fine and that Ill always be ok, because I put on a happy face and try to help others with their problems to distract me from mine. I throw myself into work as well. It does not matter how much I try to distract myself though, I still feel so lost and hopeless. I do not even have interest in music anymore, one of my favorite things :( I know that the only person who can change my situation is me, but I feel like no matter how hard I try I still just want to go back into my dark bedroom and be alone. I hope others can relate and feel free to share your story as well Depression sucks",Depression +15225,I have a college student and have been struggling with depression since highschool. I have tried calling helplines and talking to friends and family but it does not seem to work. What should I include in my suicide note if I go through with it? Hope to give some closure to those close to me. Thank you. What should I include in my suicide note?,Suicidal +15226,I do not want to be here. you are not going to change my mind. It is so fucking hard to reflect and note it is just gotten worse. I see no evidence that life is better or going to be.I do not want to be here anymore. I just want it to be over.,Suicidal +15227,"I have been posting on this sub since I have turned 16, now I am 24. Since that time nothing has changed. it is reasonable to assume I will be living in this nightmare for the rest of my life. 8 fucking years. 10 actually, I have been depressed for 10 fucking years. I do not even know why I am writing this shit. I just want to ""express my feelings"" how fucking pathetic is that. 24 years old, no education, no job, whining about my life to internet strangers. Anyway. My point is, I am completely fucked and I just want it to be over. Over the years I have tried plenty of thing that supposed to help people like me. And nothing ever fucking helped. Not a single thing has ever lifted this endless apathy, this constant sense of impending doom. here is a list of things I tried.1. Medication and ""therapy"" After spending a month in the loony bin, and taking loads of different antidepressants, antipsychotics, and all kinds of other bullshit pills. I now understand that psychiatry and psychology is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT. These people who supposed to ""help"" you, do not actually care about helping you. Their only objective is to put a label on you, assert how dangerous you are to yourself and others, and then give you some bullshit pills the picked basically at random(I am not kidding, these ""medical professionals"" have no fucking idea how these pills will affect you, maybe they will help, but they are just as likely to make things a lot worse, induce neurological damage, fuck up your health in all sorts of ways. A lot of these pills have worse side effects than fucking heroin, but heroin at least makes you feel good. And the best part, these ""medical professionals"" these ""men of science"" have no fucking idea how these things work seriously look it up, it is all a big scam)2. ""Exercise"", makes me feel a little bit better physically. does not improve my mood in any way. I have actually started exercising again. And I feel even more irritable, depressed and hopeless than before I started exercising. 3. ""Meditation"". Tried it a bunch of times. Started meditating again, along with exercising. Feel even worse now. 4. ""Not avoiding responsibilities and being an adult"" Been there, done that. Got a job and tried to stop being a pathetic man child. Only managed to work for a year before a complete breakdown. It was in 2019, I have not worked since. Working just feels like poison, like time slows down, to the point where you are aware of every second you spend performing bullshit tasks for meager pay. Like, I do not even feel sad when I work. I am just angry, because I feel like what I am doing is completely pointless bullshit. And I fuck up constantly, even when performing menial tasks. I just fucking hate working.5. Hobbies. ""Just do what you love"". Fuck that. I do not like doing anything, I hate every hobby I have ever had, and I have had quite a few hobbies. I wrote several paragraphs describing various hobbies and projects I had, but then i realised I am a 24 year old, jobless, idiot complaining about how he sucks at drawing and playing music. that is just beyond pathetic. Anyway, hobbies fuckings suck are completely useless. They do not make me feel any better, they actually make me feel worse. 6. ""Sucking it up, and not being a bitch"" I just cannot do it, I wish I could. But I just cannot. 7. ""Taking vitamin D, walking in nature, talking to a friend"" just stfu, it is all bullshit and never helped anyone.the list goes on. Anyway, I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. I probably do not suffer from depression, I probably have some far more devastating condition. Or I am just a perfect cluster fuck of bad genetics, terrible upbringing and horrible environment and a string of bad choices.What does it matter, I am fucked anyway. The only thing that can save me Is some miraculous event. I sometimes wish I just got kicked in the head, or suffered some traumatic injury that would wipe my brain clean. I wish I just could turn myself off and on again, and be fine. But it will never happen.I am fucked. Just tired of being me.",Depression +15228,"I do not have anybody to talk to, so I am talking into the void. I have planned this for the past two weeks. Not sure why, but I was really hoping tonight would be the night. For some reason, I just cannot. I thought Id done enough to erode my survival instincts - cutting, an overall apathy towards my wellbeing or life - but it seems ill have to go farther into self destruction before I can. Then there is the plans I made. I have got work tomorrow, a dinner with my ill grandmother the day after. How fucking selfish would I be if I killed myself then?Tuesday night, I have decided. Depends on if I have plans the next morning, because as terrible as everything seems, the once in a blue moon chance to go out with my friends is enough to shock enough serotonin into my system to last me until midnight.This is a ramble. I am frustrated with myself for not carrying it out like Id promised. I am worried right now because I did not plan to be sitting here, on my bed instead of on concrete. I am scared because I lashed out at my best friend for the dumbest fucking reason and I feel like were growing more and more distant by the second. The last thing might kill me. I feel worthless. Sorry for the messy writing, I just needed to shout it someplace that was not my stupid fucking brain. I was supposed to at least try to kill myself tonight",Suicidal +15229,"The world is horrible we have more people than this planet needs. To get a job you need to suck up to people and to get ahead you need to conform to people. It does not matter what is right and wrong it only matters what the majority says and if you do not conform with those you will be cast aside. It does not matter how right you are or how talented you are , all that matters is whether you conform. You cannot be different and constantly submitting to people bugs me off. I hate everybody I never want to get married or bring someone to this horrible world, I do not want to get old but if I am going to die I do not want to go alone I want to take from the people that make our lives miserable. I want to go but not alone",Suicidal +15230,"i am extremely close to suicide. i cannot live like this anymore, i can never take my time, everything I have ever knew is now a lie to me, I am a lie to myself. I am becoming more insane by the minute. i do not know when i will kill myself, but it will most likely be this week, or next week. so, au revoir. if i some how fail, I am going to keep attempting until i do it. its becoming way too much for me.",Suicidal +15231,I am not doing too great. Anyone know of any good shows? I just need a distraction. Need a show,Suicidal +15232,"I wish for death everyday. I do not mind it, I just do not want to do it myself. And if all of you feel the same way I do, it makes me wonder, how many of us are lost or will be. I wonder how many in this sub is still alive",Suicidal +15233,"I do not expect anybody to help or read. I feel like asking for help is weak, being ""depressed"" is weak (Towards myself only. I do not look at other people as being weak), I feel like if I seem vulnerable then people will not like me. I would rather be the one to help you with your problems than tell mine. I try to stay positive and 'cool' all the time, but behind the scenes I am actually slowly breaking.Since lockdown, I have basically isolated from my friends, spent most my days alone in my room gaming/wfh, doing nothing productive. I do not talk to anybody anymore. My heart actually kind of hurts writing this, I do not know how I fucked up so bad. I used to be social, go to festivals with friends etc, but now I am struggling to find the enjoyment in anything.I am usually a strong person, but I think I am coming to the realization that my life is actually shit and I have been masking it for so long.I have not had a girlfriend in 5 years, I have had interests but I always played it distant and eventually it all phased into nothing. I am almost 24 and I have no relationship, no friends, just a job I cba for, meanwhile Facebook/Insta full of everybody having kids, achieving things, I know we should not compare social media to rl but it just shows how much of a fucking waster I have became.No idea what writing this is going to achieve, but I feel like I just cannot keep going on like its OK. I am hurting. I think I need help.",Depression +15234,My friend was/is going through a hard time and decided to write a poem about it to help get his thoughts out. He really wanted to know what other people thought about it but did not want to ask himself so I thought I would come here on his behalf. here is the poem: When the day comesAnd I am not here anymoreJust know that I triedI tried so hardBut when you are this broken it is not easy to fix yourself You can try to fightBut you will have to do it every dayEvery hour Every minute Every second There is no rest it is a constant battle With your demonsAnd you are tired you are weakYou're exhausted This is not a life Not a life worth living My friends poem,Suicidal +15235,"My main symptom right now is strong brain fog. Not necessarily in the sense of being forgetful or mentally slow, more in a sense of a foggy feeling in my mind, almost as if I am drunk all the time. Has any of you any experience with antidepressants lifting brain fog? And can you recommend anything specific that I could ask my doctor about? I was offered to be prescribed meds but I am hesitant if this is even the right thing for me. Experiences with anti-depressants",Depression +15236,"I just want to die. During my whole pregnancy I wanted to die but I could not do that to an innocent life. She is now 4 months old and honestly I feel like I am ready to go. During my pregnancy I had it all planned out and planned to take my life a few days after she was born. But I did not and I regret it. I regret bonding with my child because it makes it that much harder to do what needs to be done. I need to die, this pain is too much anymore, I will not be missed and hell people's lives become better with my death. Any recommendations on how to go out pain free and peacefully? Suicidal thought",Suicidal +15237,So my friend was going through a hard time and decided to write a poem about it. He wanted to know what people thought about it so I thought I would come here on his behalf! What are your thoughts on it? here is the poem:When the day comesAnd I am not here anymoreJust know that I triedI tried so hardBut when you are this broken it is not easy to fix yourself You can try and fight But you will have to do it every dayEvery hour Every minute Every second There is no rest it is a constant battle With your demonsAnd you are tired you are weakYou're exhausted This is not a life Not a life worth living My friends poem,Depression +15238,"I am a 21 years old female and I have moved back to one of my parents 2 months ago after finishing 6 years of psychotherapy (impatient). My main diagnosis is borderline personality disorder, but I have been diagnosed with depression as a teenager, and I believe it has returned since I have come home (so these two are comorbid now). The point is that I feel exhausted all the time. I can barely do any chores which makes me feel bad as I am unemployed (looking for work) so I cannot contribute financially either. Whenever I have the energy I always do something, but it is pretty rare. For example, now it is early in the afternoon here and I have literally just had a bath and feel like I have run 10K without any food. The reality is that I had oatmeal with berries a few hours before that and I had been in bed on my computer, so *I should have the energy.* The whole thing is even worse because I have PCOS and insulin resistance and I am about 20kgs overweight. My eating is actually quite good now but I know I should really get moving as well. I actually feel like cycling, doing yoga, body weight exercises etc. fairly often but I just do not seem to have the energy (I used to work out all the time when I was anorexic, 6 days a week, often 2 times a day). Sometimes I can barely hold my phone while mindlessly scrolling in bed. My limbs all feel weak and wasted away. I have no idea if this can be caused solely by depression or what, as this is pretty extreme I am going to. Even after spending almost all day in bed (maybe a 6K walk every second day) I can sleep up to 11 hours a day. In the past, I was unable to sleep more than 8 hours at one go. Btw I do not use any stimulants, do not drink coffee/ caffeinated tea, alcohol etc. because they worsen my anxiety. However, I usually fail to drink enough water, which I know is not useful. What is wrong with me? Any suggestions on how to break out of this? Chronic fatigue (extreme). What can I do?",Depression +15239,"i am tired of being fat, of being stressed, of hating myself for spending too much time playing video games. i am tired of not getting along with my family, of looking in the mirror and hating everything. i am tired of being so fucking idiot all the time. and I am sick of being exhausted and scared because of my future. i am tired of being a human being",Depression +15240,"So I got a notification that someone followed me on reddit. Turns out my boyfriend or whatever he is, commented on my posts that I had made months back. I was and still am struggling so fucking hard, he does not understand the daily fight to not end my own life. He says he feels trapped, that he does not want to be with me because he is burnt out. that is fine, my life right now is shit. My baby brother is missing, I practically have no relationship with my two kids with my ex, I have severe ptsd, he does not want me anymore, I am a horrible mother... I guess I just want to die, I am not wanted, I am not needed, and worst of all, I am not loved. No matter what I do, I lose. I cannot handle all of this anymore, I want to die. I truly feel that the world would be a better place without me in it. My kids and him deserve better than I could ever hope to be. I am such a fucking failure, I want to die. To get up every day knowing that no one on this earth wants you around or alive is fucking soul crushing. I have been cutting lately because of how I feel, people do not love me or care about me so why should I maintain self harm sobriety? No one cares if I cut myself. No one. Not even him. At this point I do not know what is stopping me from taking my own life... God I want to fucking die. I want to die",Suicidal +15241,"The world is crowded with hypocrites. ''When you live you are not good enough, when you are dead you are praised.''",Suicidal +15242,"So I (22F) was depressed for about 6 months. I blocked everyone out except my boyfriend who was the person who prevented from killing myself when I was alone. I could not do it because hes the last person who would even get depressed and somehow he just understands this issue so well. And I do not want to scar him for life. Luckily I got over it without meds. I started to wanting to be with my friends again. Being more present. Started thinking about others and wanting to do some stuff for myself. However these past weeks I feel like I am going back to that numb place. I had an episode where I stayed in bed all day because I did not want to meet a cousin of mine and I just feel shitty and anxious af for not doing it, like full depression mode for like 3 days. The sabotage part is I told him I would meet him the day before, and then I wake up and this huge feeling of not wanting to do it but knowing I am going to let someone down, completely takes over me. And I feel like I do this a lot but in other situations.I ghost people so easily its ridiculous. I do not even feel like replying to my friends (I am not on social media either cuz its just crazy to me now how people have energy for that), it takes so much of my energy. I only have energy for keeping myself alive and not wanting to kill myself, which is so selfish and such a difficult situation do describe to other people. I know how it is to be happy. But I have not in years. Also I totally despise the way we live as a society, this fucked up capitalist system and being part of it. I really wish I had the ambition to get out of it, its something that really bothers me as well.I do smoke weed regularly and no, if I go off it does not make things better or worse. It just helps not being so suffocated sometimes. I know this is all over the place but I just want to know what it has worked for you. I feel like I have 3 options: start taking meds which I really did not want to because my family has a history of dependency (meds/alcohol), and I have an addiction to weed however I can go without smoking it for several days. But I still consider it an addition because its like a cushion for my mind, everybody has addictions; I try to go full Unabomber mode without the bombs ofc; I kill myself. After my depression and happy period, I feel like I am sabotaging myself",Depression +15243,"The past month or 2 I have forced myself to go out, to not listen to sad music, not stay in bed. Literally every day I have gone out with friends socializing meeting new people etc. But I cannot enjoy any of it, at all, there is not joy or pleasure in any of it but recently after it got too tiring I sat in bed and just let it take over and felt sorry for myself and thought about all the things making me depressed etc and then I woke up from a nap I had and went to a social event and I actually enjoyed myself. I could experience pleasure and joy with people and fully engage and focus on people.it is like focusing it all in one time and letting it have its reign instead of fighting it for a period of time allows me to feel things in the other aspects of my life. Has anyone else found a similar thing? Succumbing to my depression allows me to enjoy the other aspects of my life.",Depression +15244,"I feel sad and alone with nobody that really cares about me. Every day I think about ending my life and I tell myself that it is only a matter of time. People say there is always hope and all you need is something to hold onto. There is very little in my life that is worth holding onto. It seems like every opportunity in my life I have lost or for whatever reason it has been taken away from me. My health is not great, and it is not getting better, it is going to do me in eventually. I do not do drugs except the ones I am prescribed, and I do not drink.A lot of the time, I feel trapped inside myself and inside a life I do not want. I have stopped leaving home, not unless I have to, and I just want to get back home as soon as I can. I do not feel comfortable being around people any more.I unfriended just about everybody who is not family on Facebook, and I closed my account a day or so ago. It sucks that I have so little to share with anyone and nothing in common. Mostly, I just share music videos and random stuff that no one is interested in.There is no one close to me except my elderly mother who I live with. She cares about me, and she is probably my only reason for hanging on. it is going to be hard managing without her because I really depend on her. I feel pathetic admitting it.It feels good to share, maybe I am looking for attention, I tired of this stuff weighing me down all the time. There is so much more to my story, and maybe I will share it, I do not know. I saw an AA meeting on TV, the support group and the whole sponsor thing, and I wondered why there is not something like that for someone like me. I do not like therapy, I am done with it. It does not work, especially when you know that there is a cut-off point to the sessions. Lack of funding. It feels like they do not give a dam until you try to hurt yourself or someone else. Not until you become a problem, and they are forced to deal with you.At least if I can share stuff here with you guys and get stuff out of my system. Maybe, it will make me feel a bit better. Thanks for reading this. I am feeling tired.",Depression +15245,So my friend was going through a hard time and decided to write a poem about it. He wanted to know what people thought about it so I thought I would come here on his behalf. What are your thoughts? here is the poem:When the day comesAnd I am not here anymoreJust know that I triedI tried so hardBut when you are this broken it is not easy to fix yourself You can try and fight But you will have to do it every dayEvery hour Every minute Every second There is no rest it is a constant battle With your demonsAnd you are tired you are weakYou're exhausted This is not a life Not a life worth living Poem about depression/giving up,Depression +15246,"I feel like I do all of the right things. I eat well, I make a bit of time for exercise, I meditate, I drink a ton of water, I take my antidepressants every day, I try to do at least a little crocheting each week as a hobby. But I am always absolutely exhausted and feel so worn down. it is a struggle to get through the day and I feel like I cannot ever enjoy life fully. I have been for blood tests so many times and there is nothing like that causing my fatigue. I need something to change but I do not know what. Has any one else here struggled like this? I feel like I am doing everything right but I always feel horrible, and I hate myself for it.",Depression +15247,So my friend was going through a hard time (hes getting help and support now) and decided to write a poem. He wanted to know what other people think of it so I thought I would come here on his behalf. What are your thoughts?here is the poem he wrote:When the day comesAnd I am not here anymoreJust know that I triedI tried so hardBut when you are this broken it is not easy to fix yourself You can try and fight But you will have to do it every dayEvery hour Every minute Every second There is no rest it is a constant battle With your demonsAnd you are tired you are weakYou're exhausted This is not a life Not a life worth living Poem about depression/fighting/giving up,Depression +15248,"I know that many people do not recognize this term 'NEET' It stands for currently 'Not in Education, Employment or Training'. People think that you are lazy and all that but who cares we just sit at home play games watch movies and surf the internet, and are not willing to study or go out or get to work. If this feels similar and then do not stop reading I was not aware of the fact a few years back too I am 23 years old from India and this country is not japan so they mostly do not know about it because They do not watch a lot of anime and they do not know about this term 'NEET' so her's my story like back in 2017 I guess I dropped out of college and my life set back 360 degree I was a fun party-loving college fresher then how I became a Shut-in NEET ? that I also do not have an answer. Now I have Agoraphobia and some symptoms of schizophrenia to I was not diagnosed but I can tell my situation very well I tried jobs and work from home could not stay for much longer, how long I will say less than a month I do not know what is going to happen in my future that is uncertain and it is been four fucking long years and thanks to Covid people did not ask about me a lot for the past 2 years it is been 5 years since I became a NEET every day is like a Groundhog Day- Eat, Sleep,Repeat I do not how much longer I will live. I have grown tired and cannot get out of this. I lost touch with my social life, friends, everything I was a person that would be used to get back home late enjoy adventuring I miss those days but seems impossible Life of a Shut-in NEET in India",Depression +15249,"I do not want to be here and I am sure my friends and family do not want me here either. This would be the biggest win for everyone I wonder if I could pay someone to kill me because only then, will i know true peace.",Suicidal +15250,"I never have posted in this type of forum or any forum really, but I am desperate to speak. just as the title says, my life is meaningless. i am 22 years old and never finished high school, do not have a job, do not have any friends, and my family has given up on me. i do the same thing every single day. i sit on my bed, i play a video game for a few hours, i eat, i sleep, and the cycle repeats. i have absolutely no motivation. sometimes i do not even shower for weeks on end, the thing that makes me shower is when my mother asks me when the last time i did and i get embarrassed so i do it. if i did not have her to do that, it is safe to say I would go longer without doing so. I am an introvert by nature so i do not need much social interaction anyways, but i still get lonely all the time. all i really need is to talk to someone for a two minutes and my social bar is maxed for the next several months. but i still get super lonely and wish i had someone to talk to everyday, to go out and have fun every once in a while. it is hard to explain how i am like that, how i do not need much social interaction but i still crave it. it is my own fault i do not have any friends. i had quite a few when i was in high school but i somehow just stopped talking to them and now i do not know any of them. same with the online friends i had, just a slow disconnect because of me. i do not know why i do this. i do not know how i made my life so meaningless and worthless. it happened so damn fast, it seems like i woke up one day with no friends and no motivation and nothing to keep me going. it is all gone and i cannot get it back. i have borderline personality disorder and that was what gave me some hope when i was 18, like, okay now i know what i have and i can rectify this and make things better. but clearly that is not how it went and I sincerely do not think anything will change. I have heard the same old things growing up. ""You have to change it yourself"" ""go to therapy"" ""force yourself"" ""fake it til you make it"" I have fucking heard it all and I have fucking tried it and nothing works. I am STUCK. I AM STUCK AND I cannot DO A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT. i just want to start over. my life is meaningless.",Depression +15251,"For normal people with healthy brains (honestly do those even exist anymore?), whenever things in their life are going wrong, they do what they can to fix it and get better. For those of us who are depressed and do not have that luxury, we have lost interest in caring for ourselves.there is no clear path on how to fix our lives and the chances of actually succeeding are minimal at best. The amount of effort required is too great and we find life and especially our own lives to be meaningless so why bother trying?I have grown more apathetic towards life and I really can be bothered to care much about myself. I see my mental state getting worse and life passing me by, bit really I just do not care. I find myself unable to relate to others when they talk about their futures because I genuinely do not see one for myself and I am not interested in trying to build one. Especially when I have no building materials and no way of obtaining them.This has to be the worst part about being depressed. it is an illness that makes you not care enough to get help and better yourself leading to a slow decline with endless sadness and misery while your physical health worsens. If that is not the scariest illness then I do not know what else is. Seeing yourself getting worse and worse and not caring enough to do anything is the worst part of depression.",Depression +15252,"My wife and I had a conflict a few months ago that sent me spiraling. I threatened self-harm. It was an empty threat, but it earned me a visit from the police and a trip to the ER, and she left to go live with her parents. She still has not come home, 4 months later. I have done so much to show her that I am taking care of myself, but there are times like this morning when I wonder whether I should have just followed through with those threats. Death is the one thing I fear most, and that fear is the one thing keeping me from going through with it, but I do not see how this life of mine is any better. I do not know where to go from here. Wife left me due to mental health crisis, cannot live with myself anymore",Suicidal +15253,I am not going to do anything for the time being. but what is even the fucking point? my body hates me and I am going to die young anyways. I did not even get to experience life before everything was taken from me. before it was ruined. I have never been anything but a useless fucking sextoy. I just want to die more than anything at this point. Ill never be happy. its fucking bullshit. no one fucking helped me no one fucking stopped him. now hes dead without his family fucking knowing about how much of a piece of shit he was and now my entire life is fucking ruined because he decided it was a fucjing marvelous idea to rape a fucking five year old. fuck off I cannot believe this shit fucking happened to me the fuck could I have fucking done to stop him I fucking hate being alive knowing that I cannot take my own fucking revenge I cannot do fucking shit except for a painful fucking death because everyday I am in so much fucking pain and I am never fucking happy anymore. I just want to fucking die man I am so fucking tired my life is going to suck so much its not even fucking worth it anymore. fuck this shit I am so fucjing stupid I wish I really was a sex doll so I could have no consciousness or opinions on anything. I just exist to be fucking used I am so fucking angry when does this all fucking end Jesus fucking Christ do not want to do this anymore,Suicidal +15254,"If one is determined to not exist anymore, nothing can encourage them to make them carry on. So I do not need any kind of encouragement or kindness(you could also downvote and bully me, it is completely fine)I do not really want to see myself die in a harsh manner, I would rather die painlessly or rather a useful death; for instance dying to save someone or something like that.But also on the other hand, my family, however, even though it is the main reason why my life is even worse than how it supposed to be, makes me not want to kill myself. they are real assholes, but they are already fucked up, so I do not know if it is alright to make their lives worse than that by killing myself.Every door is closed and there is literally no way I could continue this. Does anyone have any suggestion? Is there any way to end this without killing yourself?",Depression +15255,"what do we gain by being alive? there is not any eternal happiness. there is not any happily ever after. the only thing guaranteed is pain. pain. pain. pain. there is no reason for me to be suicidal. i can make friends if i try. I have had romatic relationships before. I am not the ugliest person ever. i live in suburban washington with a 1500 dollar gaming pc and an entire life of success in front of me. i go to one of the best high schools in the state with an 80% acceptance rate into UW. I have never felt any kind of challenge in school until the depression kicked in. but so what? what am i gaining from being alive. it does not matter what i do, there will always be pain.what am i supposed to do for the rest of my life? eat healthy? study and work? what part of this makes life worth it? what is the point?",Suicidal +15256,"For the last 2 Months I have been really struggling. Everyone in my life thinks things are getting better and that I am starting to get a handle on my depression but really I have just been telling a series of lies so no one realises how low I have fallen.I do not know how to make it better. I keep telling myself if I can just get my home cleaned up, if I can just get myself to go to work, if I can just make one little step forward then everything will be okay. But that one little step is either never enough or to hard to make.I am now at a point where I have been off work for 2 weeks and tomorrow I am going to have to go back and I know that as soon as I walk through the door Ill be fired. I get it. And I have made what plans I can to get by but I hate myself so much for letting it get to this point. I always wonder why cannot I be appreciative of the opportunities I have. Maybe if I was more grateful I would not mess up so much.I really need some support and words of encouragement to carry me through what I know Is going to be a hard day tomorrow. I really hope there is someone out there to read this because I just cannot be alone anymore. I cannot handle it all alone anymore. About to be fired",Depression +15257,feeling awful because of trauma idk,Depression +15258,"I am honestly tired of feeling this deep void and bitter sadness all the time , it feels more normal to feel this turmoil than to breathe , I do not know what to hold onto and even the slightest happiness that reaches to me makes me either feel guilty or scares the heck outta me I do not have much friends just two close one's but I do not feel like talking to them anymore , I would not say I am from a great friendly family environment either in fact my family seems to be my one of the reasons I am what I am , I am trying to make new friends , trying hard to invest in my hobby but it just gets so hard sometimes , sometimes I really do not know how to deal with my bottled up feelings Scared to even feel the slightest happiness",Depression +15259,I felt the weight of these years again today. I have been in a rough for the past months after my birthday(may). I do not see a future for me outside of a casket. I feel like I am living in narrowed time. Like every second is a gift I am wasting. Its affecting my sleep now. I do not remember feeling well rested in too long. My friends say I should seal therapy but I barely make enough to eat. I wonder if this is what it feels like for you all. I am a passenger in this body these movements are mine but entirely foreign . The decisions I make are not mine not entirely I feel like its just what I am supposed to do. I put up appearances and let people believe I am doing okay. But they are days when the energy to get out of bed is exhausted before I ever make it on to it in the first place. If you read this thank you I just wanted to vent. I wrote a suicide note,Depression +15260,"flunked semester twice, went back to pick up my things from my college town last year thinking that is the best time for me to finally end it but my mind went blank kept sleeping in my hotel room until it was time for return flight back to home, now it is lockdown again and I am jobless number suicidal stuck at home for god knows how long wish i could have done it last year..",Suicidal +15261,I love gaming but I have a low-end PC that is keep breaking up and I keep getting shit on by my friends because of it. my PC broke again this morning I have been on my phone to calm my self down and my battery is low. When I put my phone in charge I m going to think and do something eather so wrong or something right. I had enough of this low-end life,Suicidal +15262,"Long story short while i was in HS I was depressed due to abuse and trust issues and barely talked to anyone and pushed everyone awayWell I kind of dreamt that I was in high school for about a day, and I was doing work with people, after that I was hanging out with some ppl facing fun, even some girl was flirting with me, it was good and then out of nowhere, my alarm wakes me up.... sad times, for a second it felt so real and I was genuinely happy I had a dream that I was in high school being normal",Depression +15263,By all accounts I should be dead right now. The amount of pain and hardship I have been through is not something that I can just live with. Basically any kind of normal life for me is out of the question. Despite me being depressed 24\7 I am just not in the mood to end it. What the hell? Why do I still want to go on?,Depression +15264,I really just wish for this existence to end.... I hope I drop down dead this week....,Suicidal +15265,"TW: mentions of sexual assault&#x200B;This year in February I was sexually assaulted on a school field trip. It was from a guy who was in one of the other classes but he was still in my grade. He picked me up and put his hands in places that made me VERY uncomfortable. I yelled at the guy to stop and he did but it still made me uncomfortable.A few months later I decided to come forward and talk to a teacher from my school about it in hope that she would help or at least do something. One of my close friends came with me to talk to the teacher as I did not feel strong enough to talk to her alone. My friend and I talked to the teacher, let us call her Mrs. X, and at first, Mrs. X seemed understanding and supportive. Later that day Mrs. X pulled me and my friend out of class to write down a few things to back up my allegations. I made a witnesses list as other people had witnessed my being assaulted. This was followed by my witnesses being interviewed and giving details.On my final period on a Friday, I was pulled out of my class and Mrs. X pulled me into an empty classroom and sat me down. For the next hour, she ran me through about how I was lying and that one of the witnesses had told her that I was lying and just did not like the guy who assaulted me and I was doing it all for a laugh. As anyone would, I sat in that classroom and cried. Mrs. X believed one witness and not the victim. Then came the scariest thing I had heard, ""You will likely be charged with false reporting of sexual assault and will have a permanent criminal record"". Now I am a good person I have never got a detention or anything but I would not say I am the teacher's pet but still, of all the things that I thought could have come from me coming forward this was not one of them. &#x200B;I spent the whole weekend in fear. I could not afford to have a criminal record. I had not even told my parents about it. I was so angry at my school for doing this to me. I know that I was sexually assaulted and I would never ever make things like that up. I was furious but also very scared of what would happen next. I heard nothing about the situation till the next Tuesday, two weeks after I came forward. Mrs. X pulled me out of class again and into her office. She told me that the guy's family did not want to give me a criminal record or charge me. Then she looked me in the eye and said that I was a lair and that I was overreacting.&#x200B;Overall, Mrs. X still does not believe that I was assaulted. And I am thankful that the guy's parents were nice enough to not send my life into a downward spiral. i got in trouble for being sexually insulted",Depression +15266,"My baby brother was murdered brutally last year. I still cannot believe it happened, it hits me like a tsunami. I loved him more than anyone I have ever loved. And I was his star, his amazing big sister. But I have struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13. He on the other hand was so full of life and always had a smile on his face. My brother suffered from a serious illness but it never got his spirits down. All my life I wished I had the illness instead because he loved life and I did not. Every time I had a suicidal thought, I would think how sad my baby brother would be, I could not bear the thought of hurting him. Now I wish I was the one those men took that day. He should be here. I cannot imagine to live this life without him. I cannot believe this is my life now. My little brother was murdered, I cannot stop thinking I should have died instead",Suicidal +15267,"Let me start this out by saying my mom is so loving and is trying her best to get me through depression but I do not think it is enough I really think I need help but not sure how to get it...I am going to explain different things about my life and I am begging for no judgement because I am really really trying to get better. My house:When you watch the TV Hoarders you are practically looking at my house. My house is a mess with dog pee pads all over the floor covered with urine and feces, the floors are soaked in urine, the dishes are scattered throughout with food still on it, boxes of packages that I have ordered and yet to open clutter my doorway, etc. I have mastered walking around or over things. My feet are always dirty from stepping through the clutter. There are bugs that have made themselves at home. I have wet clothes that have been in the washer for two weeks. I have cat litter boxes overflowing because they have not been cleaned in a while. I try to do things daily to lessen the mess but it just seems to keep building. The saddest thing is, I cannot see my lifestyle changing any time soon. My oldest dog has cushions disease and cannot hold her urine so she pees a lot and everywhere. I have a younger dog that is about 8 months now and I have tried potty training her but I find it hard to get the motivation to walk her multiple times a day so I found it easier for her to just go on the potty pads like my other dog. My mom comes over weekly to help me get a handle of this and clean up but it is never enough because there is just too much. The rest of my family and friends do not know about any of this because I do not invite them over. My sister knows but I do not think she knows how bad it has gotten over the years. And to note, this is not a new thing. This ""issue"" with my house has been going on for years. Hygiene: I have not showered in over a month. I have been using wipes to clean off different parts of my body that I think smell. I have not shaved my legs in months. I barely brush my teeth to the point that my gums bleed when I do. One of the reason I shaved my head to a buzz cut was because my hair was becoming matted because I was not washing it or brushing it.The hygiene ""issue"" is somewhat new. It has been going on for a few months but is getting worse. My mom does not know about this part of my life. I have been working with a psychiatrist trying to figure out medications to help but lately it has been hard to get ahold of her. I have called and left messages about my concerns with my mental health and medication but she has not responded at all and it has been over a week or two. I have done therapy in the past but have found it hard to find a new one since my last one moved away to a different city. I am truly drowning and sinking into a darker hole as the days go by. I am not sure how to handle any of this. I am lying to everyone about my life and my mom is helping me cover it up.",Depression +15268,"Question: Do any people actually want things?Ambitions and dreams and motivation all just seem so.. alien to me. I do not remember wanting anything other than.. peace of mind maybe. Then I see very hardworking people and ask myself, what motivates them to go such lengths in these school, hobby or work related endeavors.People care so much. They feel anxious, happy, sad, relieved.Why though?Somewhere deep inside I think I admire them and want to be like them. I would love to want something, I think?But all I know and remember is indifference to most things in life. I have never worked hard for anything that I can remember. Failure does not bother me at all. I could not even react properly to the last few deceased people that I know? knew? (I just felt jealous because they got to die, which might be messed up on its own way.)My life unfortunately/fortunately has not ended and I do not think it will any time soon. so I want to try, I think. Try to live as normally as possible, even with all of the mess that my head is. I honestly do not know if I can. Whenever I think about the future I cannot bring myself to care. I just feel so indifferent.Do any of you still want things? Want to work hard for things? And if so, what does that feel like? Ambitions",Depression +15269,"Honest. Not trying whine. I literally have no one else to talk to. I really am just over it. I have two out of four of my girls that I am hanging around for. My oldest just had an attitude all the time. I get it you are 20. My 18 year old is disabled. So most of her care falls on me. Totally fine with. My 17 year old is a narcissistic brat and lives with my parents in another state. My 9 year old is so young. All my kids have great qualities about each of them. My husband and I have been married 22 years this year. And he absolutely hates me I feel. I love him. But he has never been sweet to me since we got married. Now I have made a mistake in our marriage, I am not perfect. Neither is he. He was so mean all the time. I felt so terrible and when someone else makes you feel nice, you run towards, even if its wrong. But it has been 17 years since then. I take care of his medications. And I help where I can with appts. I take care of the kids. I work full time, crap hours. I barely function. When I ask for help I am seen as weak. I am trying to not show I am sad at all. I try to be everything to everyone. My oldest has attitude and wants to move out or whatever. I have a great job at the hospital. Its the hours that kill me and give me tremendous mom guilt because I am so tired and try to get some sleep but not everything gets done. I think my co workers like me. I am such a people pleaser. Its nuts. I am not trying to look for compliments. But damn I do so much for everyone, and no one gives a crap. My husband says I am lucky to even be where I am. I would have nothing if it was not for him. The only that would truly miss me is my 9 year old. Because she is the heart of us. The 18 year old would be put in a home if I died. The 20 year old would be pissed but get over it. The 17 year and my parents would be like what took so long? How did she ever live past Robyn? My birth mom. I am adopted by my aunt and uncle. My husbands sister, who I was so there for her when she went through cancer out of no where quit taking to me two years ago. I have not spoken to my parents since my daughter went to live with them. Everyone seems to forget that I am the one they went to for everything. Childcare, money, advice. So I make one mistake, and I am a piece of shit forever? No one helped me when my husband was hitting me. I actually met with my dad at a restaurant. He would not even let me and my kids come home. He said stick it out. So here I am 22 years later. I love my husband. I do sweet things to try and get affection. All I get is what I think he has a girlfriend. I honestly do not care. I just wish I was treated like a person. I work my butt off. My husband spends so much time and effort looking for records he wants to buy. On his phone!!!!! I hate smart phones so much. He is on his so much. I have mentioned before that the whole house is not on a device and no one listens. I really hate how not a single person in my life can actually be nice to me except my disabled daughter, most days. And my 9 year old. Those two are the only reason I am still here. because I would rather not. There is so much more. Now I know worse things happened to other people and i should not be whining about anything. Thanks for taking the time to read. I do wish you a great day of sunshine So over it",Depression +15270,"Well it is just a expression but it is so weird that in different times in life i feel depressed about different things. In the fast 4 years i am suffering due to the ongoing issues i still have due to some mistakes i did sometime ago. I just with it could go away and forgiven. But every time i think everything i going fine, that shit hits the fan and the past haunts me by trying to ruin my present and future. I am so tired of this. I am harvesting what i have planted, and i hate it because i am harvesting only the bad i have planted and not the good.",Depression +15271,I have chronic eczema all over my body it hurts most days and gets in the way of my life and has done for over 20 years I am 24 and have 2 kids and a wife but even so I cannot help but think about wanting to die... My skin has broken my mind I feel I can never be normal and I have had enough fighting the chronic skin condition it leaves suicidal thoughts in my mind most days behind the skin conditions I am generally happy and living life but I hate living with my skin flare ups it hurts and makes doing daily stuff so hard I feel disgusting and sore 99% of my life and it takes its toll mentally... I am mostly looking to support maybe people who have felt the same and have over come eczema or have had it and its healed and gone away... Cuz from how I see it it never ends and just gets worse as I age making me want to die more and more... I am scared for my wife and kids they deserve to have me happy and there for there lives Looking for people for support others with shared experiences,Suicidal +15272,"Without too much details i tried twice, one was meh, second was pretty close, i was hospitalized for 2 weeks and got out with just complications with my intestines. Last one was on december, when my only reason that made me postpone it left me for after 8,5 years. I was engaged and she left. When i talked to my shrink, after i did it, about it we were discussing how others, how my shrink, how my friends would think and feel. That is one of the main reason why i have chosen a few methods that will not damage the surface. Because i know my parents would like to see my body. I am 34, just bought a house where i was supposed to live with my wife but like i said she left. I am thinking of leaving the house and whatever inside to her. I am still making the house the dream home i wanted us to live in and when it is done, i am gone (it rhymes :D)I am just thinking of ways to make it better for the ones left behind. My friends, family, maybe a few coworkers. I want them to understand why i do it, what i felt, why it has been my purpose for about 8-9 years and the reasons why i just postponed. I have an okay house, meh job, good friends, awesome, beyond awesome 3 cats. But waking up, eating, sleeping, working, thinking, doing literally anything is just too much. I do not have anything to expect, anything to live for (i really want to see the diablo 2 resurrected though but most likely i will not)I am thinking of personalized, unlisted, scheduled youtube videos for my friends, maybe playlists, about how i feel daily, my happy moments etc like personal vlogs so when i am gone they can watch those and at least try to understand what was going on with me (i know they will not, they will blame themselves probably why they were not there for me but actually they do not even know.) if i have 1 good quality of mine, i can distract and hide stuff well. At least that is what i think. So any suggestions? What shall i leave for them to make it slightly better and easier to acknowledge that it has nothing to do with them but me and i am quite happy, or at least accepted the results, with my choice? How would you make it better for the ones who left behind?",Suicidal +15273,This sucks I am really happy i am marrying the love of my life i am happy that i am planning this wedding but a part of me is depressed n sad bc my best friend my sister is not here with me to help with my big day but she will always be my maid of honor like i promised she passed away in feb and was only 32 we grew up togeather been best friends?/sisters dor 25+ years Depressed,Depression +15274,Hello.I do not even know what I should write...I have been depressed before but now it feels worse.I know I will get over it somehow...How do you make it easier?What do you eat to feel better?What music makes you feel better?Do you meditate?it is something you read?Movies? Anything?Do you have some easy workout routines?I will give anything a try. How do you cope?,Depression +15275,"We have not spoken for months because my depression made me act too dependent and downright mean sometimes. We agreed it was in our best interests to freeze the friendship for a while until I got better.At multiple occassions (because I impulsively made contact anyways) he assured me now was not the time but there would be a time in the future for us to catch-up and start over as it were. During all this I still did not get better. My depression got way worse and I got heavily suicidal.Today it has been almost 4 months since my last small impulsive message (and about 8 or 9 months since we stopped propely talking), and I found out he blocked me on Instagram and Facebook, our main ways of communication. I checked with dummy accounts to see if I was really blocked or just doom-thinking, but I am blocked. He already stopped following on Spotify a few months ago and at the same time removed me as his Insta follower, but this is a whole new step.I know how pathetic it is, but this really makes me want to end it all. I care so much about him, and he does not care about me, seemingly. He ends our friendship in secret by blocking me. It might even have happened 3 months ago, I only just found out by investigating myself. I apparently have not even earned enough respect and love to get a message. If he does not care about me, then no one does. My sense of self-worth is so rooted in others loving me, and I cannot handle this right now. just found out my best friend blocked me everywhere",Suicidal +15276,"I could really use someone to talk to. All of my social circle is asleep/unavailable. I was recently forced off of my meds (lost health insurance). I have been trying to hold on and think my way through things alone but I am losing my sense of control and I do not feel safe. If there is anyone I could talk to, I really need it right now Spiraling help please.",Suicidal +15277,I need help. I am mentally unwell. Help,Suicidal +15278,"First thought I had as I walked out of the room was, I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.I was not even angry this time. I just felt dead.I am falling into that hole again and I just do not care. I do not have anything to hold on to. I do not have it in me to prevent myself from hitting the bottom. Just fuck it. A failure, you have always been a failure. The other voice goes on. A failure of man. A failure of a son. Just a waste of life.I am holding in tears and I feel pathetic.This failure triggered it. Woke it up. I have pretented enough. Fuck it. I want to die. I do not want to talk to anybody. I want to disappear.The shame of having to tell my mother I failed again might kill me. I hope it kills me.I appreciate you reading this. I have depression. I am depressed. I want to die. I failed the driving exam for the second time.",Depression +15279,I wish I could know that waking up every morning is not as pointless as it feels and that I am not not just prolonging my own suffering for a future that does not exist. I wish my efforts did not feel so futile. I am so scared and lost. I wish I could know if what I am working toward is worth it,Suicidal +15280,This world is so fucked up and corrupt how can anyone want to actually live there is more bad than good in the world and the good people get screwed the worst I have seen good people having to live through hell for no reason besides the world just being fucked and unfair it is bullshit yet people still can find a reason to hold on and have hope that things can get better how I do not understand How can anyone actually want to live in such a fucked up world,Suicidal +15281,"I will be talking this over with my therapist as well but more to the point, I \*think\* I may have finally found my... button? Fire? Motivation? I do not know what to call it really.&#x200B;Perhaps I am getting too far ahead of myself here. Allow me to give you some information. &#x200B;So essentially, depression is a static state of mind. It rarely changes. it is a very set in stone style of thinking. Of all the things I know, one major aspect I learned was that depression, or rather sinking into the thoughts and feelings of depression is very much like meditating. You sit there and focus on the pain, the regrets, the turmoil, those feelings of worthlessness, suicidality, hopelessness and on and on it goes and it is so hard to challenge those thoughts because they get SO loud.&#x200B;So I have been studying, researching everything and if you look through some of my posts on this sub, you will come across some of my own theories and perspectives that deal with depression and functionality. &#x200B;Ok, so niceties out of the way, let us talk about the plan.&#x200B;First of all is the center piece, the schedule. I know I am low enough to need to schedule EVERYTHING. Bathing, brushing my teeth, sleep time and so forth.&#x200B;However, I am also taking this up a notch. The way I figure it, I am either going to burn myself out and rupture or I will succeed. Either way, I will be out of this mindset, away from these feelings. &#x200B;So in terms of what else is going to be added.&#x200B;Tuesdays/Wednesdays are usually my therapy appointments. &#x200B;Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday are my gratefulness journal &#x200B;I will be doing my own therapy session using CBT and I am thinking that will be once a week on Saturday to spread out between my therapy sessions and CBT sessions. &#x200B;I am also going to force myself back into my old morning ritual. Pretty basic stuff; starting at 5:30am, get up, brush my teeth, morning meditation for 20 minutes, cup of coffee and breakfast, 30 minute walk, shower and shave, daily objectives journal.&#x200B;I am also planning to add a self acceptance meditation into this perhaps twice a week, which will be a 20 minute meditation geared towards embracing my neuroses. Re-intigrating the fragmented parts of myself. &#x200B;The basic plan right now is to hold this schedule for 4 weeks to build that habit and then I am looking to quit smoking. I have been smoking for 14 years now and it is about time I quit.&#x200B;Along side all of this, I also want to add on one last aspect. I want to volunteer down at my local homeless shelter. This will give me an outlet for my energy so it is not so geared towards being used as fuel for depression and at the same time gives me positive feedback in seeing how my actions can make a difference. Plus any kinds of friends I happen to find as well as looking for references so I have something to show when I attempt to get employment. &#x200B;I have been working on this plan for literal months, finding tid bits and pieces that I found crucial in forcing myself out of this. we are going nuclear. My mind does not have a problem sending nukes to destroy me, so it is time to return the favor.&#x200B;I have got several tools for practical use against daily depressive episodes, such as the realization that I am literally meditating on that depression when I allow myself to sink into it. As well as a few other techniques such as bridging my thoughts, this means subtly changing them bit by bit. So ""this is useless"" becomes ""maybe it is not as useless"" or ""I will never be able to do this"" becomes ""maybe if I give myself a chance, I can do this"" things of that nature.&#x200B;I have already beaten and almost entirely silenced the parts of me that were suicidal. So I know some of this stuff works. But that was target practice, it is time for live fire. The real deal.&#x200B;Considering the tools I have got, the information I have and everything else, I believe it is time to make that change. I know I do not want to die like this. I want something more. But above all, I know the most important detail. This, all of this, it is just practice. that is all. It does not need to be threatening, it does not need to be scary. it is just practice. &#x200B;But what do you think? Feedback, please? With a cherry on top?",Depression +15282,"HeyI'm Eli, 24, he/him. I feel as though I am out of options. For context, I have got bipolar 2, fibromyalgia/to-be-diagnosed nerve disorder. I have been at a call center job for 2 years prior to covid, and was entering my 5th year of a bach degree in 2020. I have essentially gone from being a full time student, part time call center worker, and part time active community member to absolutely nothing. More recently, I had an intense breakdown from a manic episode that soured and threw me into a deep and angry but apathetic depression. I have had a pain flare that is made me 100% unable to function at work, so I am (very thankfully) on disability pay from my job, and though I had to drop out of college the last semester, do a bunch of overhaul with credit transfers, I can now finish in an upcoming fall semester and a 2 week program the following summer and I would be graduated. I have got doctors appointments coming up to see if I can get answers for my chronic pain. I have all of these things look forward to, all these remedies, but all I can feel is fear and anxiety and an overwhelming desire to end my life.I am floating between at a fibromyalgia diagnosis right now and I am having some of the absolute worst pain of my life. The medication I have been put on has me exhausted for most of the day, shaking, and slow. I am just a blob right now. Different professionals have put me on a combo of a bunch of meds to mitigate anxiety, mood stability, etc. I am probably going to need a lumbar puncture as an MS diagnosis could be on the table and I have a blood draw tomorrow.I just feel like a hassle. Like, I go to seek help and am getting it slowly, but I am stuck dwelling on the idea that all these things are a waste of time. The I am just being a resource leech and nothing else, because who tf am I to be asking for extra assistance- and why provide it to someone who might commit anyway? I feel so selfish and self centered.I have got opportunities coming my way but I am so so afraid to move forward. I feel like I should have committed during 2020, but could not go through with it. I feel so awful when people put their necks out for me, only for me to fail or do a so-so job, to disappoint them. Coming back to my job, I need to confront a bunch of little errors from my calls, acknowledge and go over my work processes in depth and put my work under intense scrutiny when in fact I have made customer service mistakes, transferred someone to the wrong department, or fail to answer one of many many questions regarding vehicle accidents. coming back to work means more accountability. I know I am a bad person because I should be fine, but holding myself accountable, maintaining a schedule, sitting at a desk, thinking anything about it just sends my brain through the roof and makes me want to die. I do not want to be evaluated, I am so tired of not doing good enough feeling helpless",Suicidal +15283,"I am F/20 and I literally do not know what I want to do with my life. People my age are already in college, happy, knowing exactly what they want and I just sit here, like a useless trash I am doing nothing.Yes I know, not everyone is happy studying what they choose, or not everyone is decided and I should not even compare myself to them. But I just cannot help it. I am reminded everyday by my abusive mother just how much of a useless piece of shit I am. No work. No hobbies. No friends. Nothing.I used to love drawing when I was young. I used to be passionate about astronomy. I used to be so happy. So motivated to everything. But everything changed.Yes I am still drawing, but I just hate it so fucking much. I do it because sometimes I need the money and I do commissions. I do it because I am just addicted to it. I just cannot stop it.I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. I just want to rip off my hands, so I could never do it again.The only thing that can help me to feel better is to finally find something to be passionate about. But it is just impossible.Everyday I look up careers, jobs, college courses that would make me feel ""yes, I really want this"". BUT NOTHING.I even made a post in careeradvice to find help, but all I got offered is programming. Fuck that. Fuck programming. Fuck drawing. Fuck everything is not there seriously a job/passion for me? No matter how hard I try to find it, there is nothing for me. And it is driving me nuts.it is holding me back so much. I just want to get over it. I just want to find that one thing that will make me genuinely happy. Is it to much to ask for?And please do not tell me I will find something eventually. The problem is that I just cannot wait. I do not want to wait. Yes I am fucking impatient. But who would not want to get rid of the thing that is holding them back?Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to let it out. And sorry for the grammar.. Not knowing knowing what I want to do is making me so depressed and suicidal",Depression +15284,"Hi all. I (22M) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (22) for about 5 months. We love each other, he is quite time constrained due to his work, and so we are only meeting on weekends. I have been diagnosed with depression, been going to therapy for a month and also taking ladose for two weeks. I have not become any better, I spend most of my days crying and all this hurts my relationship. I question his feelings for me a lot and I am quite insecure. He is there for me but my heart breaks because I feel like a burden and I just do not know what to do. we have discussed it a number of times, the last one I ended up crying at his chest for like an hour. I hate me. I feel that I am pushing my loved one away, even if he says he is there for me. I am kind of lost My depression and insecurities hurt my relationship",Depression +15285,I have just learnt that it is almost impossible to stay stable if you depend on things. Let it be a person or a job etc. You feel as if you are no longer depressed but actually you still are. try your hardest to content yourself without anything. it is really hard but otherwise you will get hurt a lot. moral of the story: avoid dependance illusion of being happy,Depression +15286,Starting to become that clich attention starved girl...on the internet praying to make some type of connection with another human being because I cannot be ALONE with these thoughts anymore :( always searching for validation,Depression +15287,"My parents divorced when I was like 5, and I would have visitation with my dad. He would always take me around with girls he met off Facebook to try impress them and by chance their own children (if they had any). On weekends that he would not drag me out with him to meet the women he would talk to he would take me to the park or something, but he would never actually play with me. He would stay in the car chatting with women, I would practically have to beg him to come play with me only to be ignored. he would often even prioritize the womens children over me in order to gain their favor, its so hard watching your own parent treating someone elses child the way they should be treating you. he would always make empty promises, like coming to my 6th grade promotion, or my 8th grade graduation, or any important event in my life. I have gotten to the point where I have accepted that he will not even be attending my high school graduation (currently a junior). His emotional and mental abuse has stuck with me and affects so many parts of my life that it is so miserable. Its extremely difficult for me to keep close friends especially one that I guess could be considered a favorite person. Because my brain will twist the slightest hint of drifting apart into oh they are replacing you they are leaving you because of how I perceive if my dad can leave anyone can. I recently had an episode with my best friend where I felt as if I was being replaced and went into a self destructive state where I SH and ghosted them because I did not want to get hurt but ended up hurting them. My brain can twist things and make me overthink the smallest thing because of insecurity of being alone due to multiple instances of my father leaving me alone to go see his girlfriends or whatever. It makes everyday so difficult and I just want to be able to not be so afraid of being alone and or replaced. Dealing with emotional abuse from childhood",Depression +15288,"I just recently began writing up complete songs with beats that I got from YouTube, unlike the past years where I never got to finish up writing the whole thing. Right now I am writing up a story of a lovely innocent child of 5yo from a nice family who for one day turns into his future adult self at 22yo, just so he could see how in the next years his life is going to be sorrounded by severe depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, street fights, addiction to hardcore drugs, overdoses, crime, murder, theft, etc. Also to know most humans are bad and will take advantage on him, etc. In the story the little kid sees at night a shooting star, so before falling asleep he wishes whatever just to not break the tradition. For some unknown reason his wish comes true and the kid (who most likely came from a past version of our same universe so our reality is not affected and stuff) comes to encarnate his future 22yo self after waking up. So it is a really strange story about myself, which I would have wished to have happened to me and avoid committing all sorts of serious mistakes. If I ever record it or something I would like to show it to you but sadly it is in Spanish and it is like 5min long or so. You think this a good idea for a song?",Suicidal +15289,"I have read almost every single post in the last 3 hours, but its so hard to reply with good advice. I have none. I am in the same boat. All I can give you is the knowledge that I have seen your post and probably feel very similar to what your feeling. I keep deleting my replies",Suicidal +15290,"my mood has improved, i think. or maybe i just do not want to admit that i still want to commit suicide. last night i dropped pretty terribly. i told a coworker i felt like shit, told her i thought it would get better with optimism. realized i was complaining like the attention whore i am again. its 5:34am. the insomnia is still going strong. its bad. i just got to ride out the night. i just got to be okay. 7/19/21 - i know i said id try to get better.",Suicidal +15291,"My wife me the other day that it was tiring trying to get me excited for things. It was half a joke, since she was trying to get me excited for Christmas, but it hurt also. It should not hurt, she is not wrong, nothing gets a rise out of me. I have been miserable doing everything. Work, home, I am just blah about every everything. But hearing it affect her hurt a lot. I was watching Bojack, and Diane started taking antidepressants. I asked her if she thought I was depressed. She said yes. I asked her if she thought it was time for me to look into doing something about it, and she hesitantly said yes. So I do not know where to go now. Do I talk to a Doctor? Do I. Wed to talk to a therapist first? Where do I start when I am tired of being depressed? I am sorry for being tiring",Depression +15292,"Already picked a date. End of this summer break is going to be it for me. I cannot say I am glad to go, but I cannot say I am sad to go either. Everything has been terrible lately. I have been struggling to find happiness and I feel like I am falling behind on everyone in my life. There just is not any point in going on. Nothing matters, I do not matter. we are so small and insignificant compared to everything that is out there. It just does not matter if I do it. I am fine with everything fading to black. I am giving up.",Suicidal +15293,"Yet people continue to treat you badly, as if they were not the because for your sadness. ""Suicide is bad!""",Depression +15294,"After getting ""fake"" heartbroken today over a ""obsessive fantasy"" I had with a guy and learning he has a girlfriend, I realised that all my previous trying has led to nothing but misery. I go to work and do a degree but for what? I still live with an abusive parent, have c-ptsd, am not even interested in any material goods. I wanted to get a degree so I can have my own family one day but that dream is also gone, I am too mentally fucked for thatI'm going to let my body go on autopilot aka continue to go to work so nobody gets suspicious but that is it. In my free time I will just cry and rot in bed like I already do. I am 25 years old and things always end in pain and sadness for me no matter what. That 30 seconds of happiness is not worth 30 days of pain so I decide to stop trying. Letting my body go on autopilot and continue dying inside",Depression +15295,"My survival instincts are way too strong at this point, it ruins everything..I wish I could shut it all off, then killing myself would be easy. I do not have a life worth living, it has been nothing but hell and loneliness my whole life. Nobody even cares if I disappear.I am just waking up to the same fucking shit everyday, trying to change it but I am too broken, exhausted and traumatized to the fucking core of my entire being.I do not want to be here anymore, I have only felt trapped in this chaotic mind and decaying body since I was a child. No escape, no way out but death.. and here I am with a brain that is making me survive no matter what, but to what cost? I cannot even create a life worth living, I have tried and tried and tried and tried but nothing but failure and being stuck in the same shitty pattern that ruins everything and being aware of it and why does not even help because I have no fucking chance to clear this shit up. it is too late at this point, I needed help way sooner but all I got was more people treating me badly and like I am the fucking problem. Society is so fucking sick and disgusting.People do not care until you are dead, and they just care for their own sake, to look and feel like good people.I hope my so called family will rot and burn in hell just like they left me to do.I crave connection and love but it scare me more than anything.. I do not trust people and this world is just horrible in so many ways. I do not ift in anywhere and clearly nobody wants me around anyway so why the fuck am I even here. Fear. I am too scared to die and I feel so fucking pathetic.I cannot take this useless fucking existance and torment anymore. There are not even enough words to describe this level of suicidal depression, exhaustion, despair and just pure fucking torture that is everyday.And who am I kidding, nobody is going to read this and if someone does, nobody is going to give a shit.Fuck. This. Shit. Once again I fail to die.",Suicidal +15296,I hate who I am I hate that I exist,Suicidal +15297,"I have stopped taking my anti-depressants. They made me completely numb and I never felt any emotion at all while I was on them. Since I stopped, all the emotions of the past started flooding back and now I do realise why I started taking them in the first place. I am feeling all these negative emotions again and I started to see the world very negatively too. Everything bad that happens to me, even if it is out of anybody's control, I take it personally. For example when somebody accidentally bumps into me, they do it because they hate me and think I am ugly. When I drop a pen or whatever, it is because I am useless and I cannot do anything right. Every small thing hurts me way too much. I have been trying to talk to my bf about it. But he struggles mentally too and somehow he always finds a way to turn the tables around and make me comfort him even when I need it the most at that time. I tell him how bad I feel and he apologises for being a bad bf because he could not keep me happy. that is not true at all he is not a bad bf because he could not keep me happy and it hurts me that he thinks so. I have one other friend I do trust enough to tell but I feel like I will be a bother to her. I did tell her a few times and she did listen and even helped me calm down but I do not want to bother her too much. My mom and brother do not understand me at all, my brother makes fun of me and my scars and threatens to beat me so badly that I will have to go to the hospital and my mom just does not understand which makes her frustrated and makes her yell at me. I feel like everybody is walking over me. it is a chaos in my mind and I cannot get the peace back. But I also do not want to feel like a robot again. I do not want to go back on anti-depressants.This was just a rant I just needed to get it off my chest Feeling lonely and nobody listens",Depression +15298,"If I become inactive in Reddit, it means I have moved to another life already.I have 200 dollars in my wallet, and since I look like a grown up, I plan to hitch a hike to [ tall building, will not tell where]. Get permission to go on top of building, and fall off.I imagine that when I am falling, it would be the most euphoric moments of my life, its the end, I will not have to deal with bullshit anymore. No more shit, no more shit.Considering quarantine rules, I might delay this when the pandemic is over The plan",Depression +15299,"I told her that i do not think she cares about me and only about the money i give her and she said that this is not true. Why do therapists have to lie right into the clients eyes? Its not true? Do you know what her argument was?It was that if the client does not invest money in therapy, he cannot get better. I think this is bullshit. I wish i could go to therapy and not pay. I always struggled with trust and attachment issues and I am still in a vulnerable spot and she knows this and i think she is not doing a single thing about it because she wants that money coming in. I think I am being used.I do have severe anxiety and I am paranoid too and i smoked these last couple of days so i think it could be my paranoia getting worse or something. I do not know. I guess I am a mess and I am being used.Fuck, this is just making me more and more suicidal. I do not think my therapist cares about me",Depression +15300,Life is getting shitty each day Been having the thought for a couple of months,Suicidal +15301,"I am being alienated right now, I am going through a custody battle. I have already decided to if i loose ill be killing myself. My sons dealing with too much harm emotionally to have more then 1 parent Life",Suicidal +15302,"I do not want to work on myself, idc about myself, I do not want to love myself. I hate myself and it will always be like this. I refuse to make any step towards bettering myself, I hope I end up dead in a fucking ditch on the side of some fucking forgotten country road. I hate myself",Suicidal +15303,"Many days I can only get out of bed long enough to grab food or water. When I see people who wake up early, workout, do chores, work 9-5, socialize after, run errands...all in one day...I wonder...how? it is too hard. I do not know how to do it. How do people have energy to do stuff?",Suicidal +15304,"Not like about anything deep or anything going on. Am just still really sad about my breakup a month ago and well...have not really had any interpersonal communication with anyone other than my coworkers. And it is only work stuff. I just want someone to have a conversation with regularly, daily, a friend. I just want someone to talk to",Depression +15305,I am at a point in my life where i need to see a doctor and get on antidepressants/therapy or I am completely fucked. i do not really feel like going into my deepest feelings on a public reddit post but I am doing really badly with my depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation at the moment and i want to get help after about 8 years of feeling like this. i went to see the GP last january (one-off visit because i was too scared to go for some kind of follow up appointment) and i could barely get through my sentences because the second i start talking about my feelings i start crying and stuttering and feel like i cannot breathe. I am making an appointment next week because i owe it to myself but I am so scared that i will not even be able to speak. what am i supposed to do ?? how do i not cry when i talk about my mental health?,Depression +15306,Has anyone gone through this themselves because I really just need someone They hate me and I wish could kill myself but I am still working on how best to do that lol I cannot take it I have to die its so painfulHopefully no one is mean here sry just do not have anyone..clearly My whole family hates me and i want to die life is pain,Suicidal +15307,"What song(s) should I listen to while I die when I finally OD? Should it be happy songs to make me smile? Slow, peaceful songs? Suicide and depression songs? Should I use my last moments to listen to something new and different just so people can say I did? An interesting, although admittedly kind of stupid question",Suicidal +15308,"Its my birthday and I feel absolutely nothing positive.My whole life feels like a pity party always seeking attention in any way possible because I feel so deprived of it from anyone.I cannot even scroll through Instagram without seeing people I went to high school with doing things with their life such as getting married, having kids, etc.And I know that I am still too young to be concerned about any of that, but for some reason it just does and idk why.Why do I care that I have never been in a relationship with a girl ever. Let alone even had a girl even show affection towards me.Everyone from school apparently thought I was gay and when I ask people why they think that I have never really gotten a clear answer.Its either oh well you just dressed really nice you had a gay haircut no one has ever seen you with a girlfriend you are just so much more mature than anyone elseI mean wtf. I have nothing against gay people, but why assume that about someone?Even people in my family clown on me saying its okay if you are gay we do not care.I just cannot do this. I cannot keep living being ashamed to act like myself.I get made fun of because I drive a Mercedes instead of a truck.I MEAN WHAT THE HELL?!? ITS A CAR THAT I REALLY LIKE!Why does that automatically make me gay and why is that an insult?! Its so homophobic and it makes me feel so bad about myself. I am 20 now.",Depression +15309,"I am still young (M18) but feel like there is no point in doing anything, I quit working bc it made me contemplate suicide, and no, it is not one job I hated, it is every single time i work. I have no hobbies that can make money, and even then, my hobbies become draining if i work. I tried streaming but I did not enjoy it after the first 10 minutes, I just felt like a loser. I do not know what to do, I have no SO and will never get one bc I do not have a job or good looks. I just wonder what do I do with my life? What do i do with my life?",Depression +15310,I want to not live my life anymore. I have been an addict and alcoholic for many years now. It never gets better. I am in a never ending cycle of relapse and recovery. I am not a normal person without my medication. My mental health is shot. I am at my end. I keep using. I find ways to numb myself. Otc meds. Crushing them. Snorting them. Anything to get high. I hate being sober and I hate the brain inside of my body. I hate myself. Nothing is bright anymore. Maybe sometimes it is but I know it will always be short lived and have to prepare my self for the inevitable. Perpetual sadness and darkness. I want to die. I would take all of my prescriptions and a bottle of Tylenol and wash it down with a bottle of cough syrup so it would not hurt. Maybe. Idrk if it will hurt. I want to be done so bad. The only thing stopping me is my family and my boyfriend. I do not want them to think its their fault. They have been nothing but loving and supportive in the best ways they know how. I think of my little brother being so lost and scarred by his sisters absence. I think of my moms grief. I think of my dads shattered happiness. I think of my sisters anger. I think of my boyfriends confusion and guilt and loneliness. I want to die. But I do not want those feelings for the people I love. I would off myself- but then I think of my family,Suicidal +15311,"Hi, like most my life kind of turned upside down when quarantine began. I had a new job that fit well with my college schedule, grades were great everything seemed to be going on track. Once quarantine began I lost my job due to COVID and I fell behind on grades. At first I just felt like shit, kind of numb. Then halfway through I turned things around worked on myself a lot. But the biggest thing getting through depression was thinking about life after quarantine I told myself I would make it out a winner. The first couple of months were great. One of my goals was to start Brazilian jiu jitsu which I love because it pushed me to new heights mentally. Another goal I had was to be more social and go out more. A lot of my goals are in the process or are already done. But Deep down I am still numb. I am not sure why? I know happiness is not a linear path but when I know I am supposed to feel something I my emotions are not there.. a part of me feels like a narcissist that expects things so I cannot enjoy things? Should I seek therapy? Extra: One of the parties I went to had this really attractive girl a majority of the guys there were trying to get at her, the typical talking extra loud or sprinkling a little lie to make them seem more interesting. Me being the typical cool guy I just introduced myself and that was it. Guess it worked because her sister said she was interested in me and gave me her number. I kind of just shrugged it off l. Now I am not trying to boast on the internet that I got this girls number. All my friends hyped up the situation but they do not understand that even after that I still do not feel anything no sense of accomplishment not even a confidence boost. Still emotionless. Post quarantine depression",Depression +15312,"I got kicked out a few days ago. I did not break rules, they kicked me out because I was miserable and bothering people with it. I am technically homeless, but I have been staying with a random man from Grindr. I feel used. I feel absolutely worthless. I just wanted to be sober, and now my life is ruined. I got kicked out of rehab",Depression +15313,"Been fighting this shit my whole life. Feel I am an expert at advise, but have never addressed my concerns truthfully. Also beloved by my coworkers I am also decently funny (deflection technique.) it is hard to put in words. I have made incredible progress speaking with friends, but I cannot be fully honest with them, I need a stranger. Much appreciated in advance I (31M USA) am ready to grow.",Depression +15314,"Creating new people, by having children, is to impose all the burden and agony of existence on them. It is morally very problematic, because even the best lives leave much to be desired. For example, 40% of us will develop cancer and 21% will die from it. 9.5% experience depression at some point in their lifetime. 1 in 4 people have some form of disability. This is a terrible odd.Think about all the avoidable, unnecessary suffering we are imposing on new beings. To impose such a risk, just for the sake of fulfilling one's desire to have kids, is morally very problematic.Procreation ought to be criminalized. Allowing more people to suffer, by creating new people, is wrong",Depression +15315,"I really fucked up. Bad. I might have derailed my entire future. I was really lucky to get the job I had. It was a miracle, really. But I fucked up and lost my job within the first week. It was a great paying job with benefits and everything. But I guess I am just a fuck up? I have someone who depends on my income and now we might be living on the streets. I think I basically ruined not only my life, but theirs too. TLDR; My situation is hopeless...convince me otherwise? I self-sabotaged myself to the point where my life might actually be ruined",Suicidal +15316,I just want to make it suffer or cry. I want to hurt someone or something,Depression +15317,"I am at the edge of suicide, I cannot bear to live a day longer. Each passing day, I am reminded of the things that brought me pain. My mind and body is overwhelmed with everything and it wants to end it all. I have tried almost everything that the internet told me to. I have exercised, made a journal, followed a balanced diet, slept early. Yet those things only distracted me from the sadness of life. I was not happier, I was just caught up with the things that distracted me, and in the end, it overwhelmed me. How do you guys do it",Depression +15318,"To be fair, I have only been into two relationships and they have really put a toll on me. I want something real with mutual respect and compassion. I am always alone, or feeling so out of place when I am out with friends. I hate how awkward, so fucking introverted I can be. I have a sick desire to be loved as much as I love",Depression +15319,"No matter how distant our friendship may become, even if once familiar faces become strangers. Ill always remember to cherish the memories we made together, the time when I once called you my friend.Losing a friendship is hard, especially when its the only one you have. Losing friends.",Depression +15320,Anyone someone please just talk to me I have no one please help me I need someone,Suicidal +15321,"I was with my family at a restaurant. My grandma was there too. I started a fight with my mom and then started crying, could not stop. All I could think about in that moment was ending my life. I came home and just went to sleep. Now I am awake and ashamed I keep hurting people around me. I do not know what is wrong but I do not think I will get better. I wish I just had the courage to end it. it is all I think about when something bad happens. I feel really bad for everyone. It must be really confusing and scary living with a monster like me. I feel like I will lose everyone in my life. it is only a matter of time. I do not want to trouble anyone any longer. Created a scene",Depression +15322,"Not literally forever, but I started Prozac 10mg like a month ago and recently started upping my dose to 20mg at the recommendation of my doctor.Recently I have been feeling a bit less exhausted and depressed, but I never feel too optimistic as I think the happiness will end and I will go back to the suicidal thoughts. I have no idea what to expect from these, can anyone share their experiences with Prozac/Anti-Depressants? will this relief last forever?",Depression +15323,"I do not like being this vulnerable but I figure I could just delete this account and start over if things go bad.but seriously it causes me physical pain knowing I will never be the gender I want. if i told my family about this they would surely shrug it off, or torment me about it. it is so painful. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling dread that I need to continue exiting.idk, probably nobody cares. sorry I am trans and it feels like nobody accepts me because of it",Depression +15324,"So I just had my first session a few hours ago. I was really hoping to just get over with it because I do not like talking to people. But it was pretty good actually. My doctor kind of put me in a tough spot and persuaded me to continue for 6 weeks. I am dissapointed in myself for making little to no progress these months, but proud of myself for taking the first step. I am proud and disappointed in myself. But I finally started therapy!!!",Suicidal +15325,"So uhh. Hi, my name is Aina. I never written a post on here or bothered into the mental health community. However, as my depression has gotten worse again, and I am likely experiencing an episode; maybe it is best that I can do a bit of venting. I am clinically diagnosed with chronic depression. I think it was a thing since I was 13 or so, when I experienced a trauma years before. But here is the vent, I guess:So I moved to a new county from my old home back a year or so ago. It was for college, and I have been living with my grandpa since. My dog is with me, and I care about her very much. Both my grandpa and my dog have been getting really old however, and I constantly worry for both their safety. My grandpa almost died to covid a couple months back and now he is unable to walk anymore, so I kind of just take care of him while I focus on my studies.While it is nice to take care of someone and being mindful of others wellbeing, I feel like I am missing the point of life. I am in my third year of college and I have practically changed majors multiple times (going for wanting to be a doctor, to accounting, to communications, and now I just want to draw art and talk to people), and I feel like I am just wasting my own money to ""figure out what I want to do."" I keep trying to get myself to stick to hobbies and joining friend groups to play games like Dungeons & Dragons and MMOs like Phantasy Star Online 2; yet I still feel like I am a burden to my friends to hang out with.I really do not like bothering people, and I always feel like I am not doing the best I can. Whenever I go to family reunions, I am told that, ""I am not trying hard enough"" and ""All your problems will go away if you just do not think about it.""I do not know what that even means. I get that they are trying to say that I should not be so focused on the fact that i feel like a stepping stone & alone in this world. However, my mind thinks differently. I have been trying out their ideas. Smiling, keeping a positive attitude, being helpful when I can, doing everything I can in a pristine and mindful manner. But it feels like I am wearing a mask. I already wear a mask by trying to conceal my transgender identity. I do not know what to do.On the topic of transgender stuff and transitioning. it is difficult. I feel like I am living in an egg she will and it is so hard to get support without having the right financial insurance. Talking about dysphoria with my close friends & relatives ends up in heated arguments where I am being delusional; telling me that, ""it is impossible to ever be a girl. You can never do it."" Yet I have this hope that I can be a girl. I just, have no idea how to like, be a girl correctly since I know no one in this city who can help me.(TLDR) Either way, to wrap this up. I feel like I do not belong anywhere and I feel too afraid to reach out for help. I feel like I am not doing enough for my friends and family, as if I need to push myself even harder than what I can mentally do at this point.. I do not want to be a burden to anybody and I have been contemplating just giving up because of it. For anyone out there, do you have any advice or ideas for me to try out? (Vent) Sometimes I feel like I am alone yet I am physically not.",Depression +15326,people's words are not getting through to me. I am so sick of being alive but i cannot do anything about it because of my parents. what a pain. i just do not know what to do anymore. it is so enfuriating i wish i were dead,Suicidal +15327,"I cannot do this bullshit anymore, please I just want someone to shot me in the head and free me from this miserable existence. I am too tired and I do not want to wake up again. it is not going to be okay, I am stuck and it is the only way out. There is never going to be chance for me to be happy, I was born to suffer. I never felt love, I never lived. I am just too afraid of reality, I cannot live in real world anymore, it is terrifying.Please I just want to be free from this earth. I am tired",Suicidal +15328,"I decided to give myself a deadline for life to improve or I will end it (see prior post if you want to know why). Knowing I only have a few months left has really brought me peace. I had a dream last night. I was playing with my non-existent dogs in a nice non-existent house and my non-existent wife was with me. We were just having a BBQ, smiling and laughing. I woke up and realized it was just a dream and the sad reality of being alone in this apartment hit me again. I want out and I am ready. I am still sticking to my 3 month deadline on the hope that something miraculously changes in my life, but I have accepted that it probably will not and knowing I will die shortly brings me so much peace. Peace and calm now that I finally decided to end it.",Suicidal +15329,"I used to write a lot, draw a lot as a kid and now I cannot even have the motivation to open up a blank page. Even if I do, I have spent my whole life feeling like whatever I create will never be worth anything. Everything I write has depression plastered all over it. I wish I could create something to escape the dread of living to see another day. But nothing I make is worth the time, and everything is just a reflection of my sick wish to never wake up. I do not know why I even bother to stay alive. I feel like I am living selfishly, but that means I have to want something to begin with. Most days I wake up and stay in bed until I get sleepy enough to shut my eyes again. I do not dream often, but the peace of knowing I am not entirely there is comforting. Then I wake up to emails billing me for being alive. I play video games to pass the time. it is more of an escape and a way to feel like I did something although in the grand scheme of things, it is all a waste of time and money. Sometimes playing video games makes me happy. Yet I cannot share that happiness to anyone. It felt more like a dirty little secret than good news, that I am 22 yet I still waste my time and money on something that is worth nothing.I do not know why I am writing this tbh. I had the thought of ending it all but realistically no method is painless and there is always a chance I will survive whatever I do. there is nothing in the future that I have to be alive for. All I see is just, waking up because I could not sleep, maybe for the next few decades. I have no one to talk to and as much as I thought I wanted someone, that means they would have to suffer with me being whatever this state is. It just sucks all around. cannot create anything",Suicidal +15330,"TW: selfharm, suicide, eating disordersso, I am new to Reddit. I am just trying to find people who have depression as me so they can maybe help me. I am 22 years old, female, bisexual. I have always bad romantic relationships. I feel like my friends do not care about me (one of them, I have a crush on her, literally told me 'do not tell me if you are sad just talk to me about happy things, I do not want to be sad too') and my mom (I really want her approval) thinks that I am such a disappointment. I am at second year in University, my University is really expensive and my parents are wasting a lot of money on me, just for me to get bad grades (my career is honestly so useless. I will end up working at a McDonald's) and it will take probably four or five years more for me to get my degree when it should be just two. I selfharm since I was 13 and I stayed clean for a year but I am relapsing. Three years ago I attempted suicide for the first time taking pills. I ended up in a mental hospital where the nurses where so mean to us, it just made me feel worse (plus, I had a very bad wound from selfharm and they did not take care of it properly). I started taking antidepressants, sleep pills and antipsychotics. I felt better for maybe three months, but then it went downhill. I attempted suicide again on February this year. I just do not know what to do. I am planning on killing myself before my birthday (August 4) so people will be free of me. But I do not really want to take that path. I just want to know what do other people like me feel like. Does it gets better? I went to a lot of therapists. None of them helped me, no one understands. I just feel like I was not made for living, I will always be a failure. I struggled with eating disorders too, I hate my body right now and that makes it worse. I just do not see any solution besides death. Pills are not working anymore, therapy never did. I just do not know what to do or what to think.Sorry if this does not makes any sense. it is five am, I do not really speak English and I am just venting. Please, if someone feels like this, can you talk me about it? It does not matter if it is not a positive message. I just want to know that there is some people out there like me. any advice is welcome",Depression +15331,"Every. Single. Thing. Anything that gave me the slightest amount of dopamine is gone, as hard as i try, i cannot seem to find joy in any of my regular hobbies, i try to sit down and play some of my favourite video games, i feel suicidal, i watch some of my favourite shows, i feel suicidal, it is gotten to the point where i genuinely do not even know what to do the entire day until i fall asleep and do not have to deal with the burden of being conscious. I knew depression would take away friends, make sadness my default emotion, i did not know it would take away the only things in life that gave me comfort, now, there is nothing to distract me anymore from the constant dark thoughts. I fucking hate this depression has made everything i used to enjoy completely unenjoyable now.",Depression +15332,"Recently have been incarcerated due to domestic violence alligations that are against me. I am no monster, I know I am innocent all that happened was that I was caught arguing with girlfriend at the wrong place at the wrong time. I have a son with her and will not be able to see them until next year due to a no contact order I have against her. But to be honest I think me and her will never ever get the chance to be happy together. At times all we do is argue but the thought of losing her kills me, her and my son mean the world to me and i do not want to have my son spending his life one week at his dads and another at his moms. I want to be able to say I am happy with my family but I do not think this will ever be the case which kills me. I am currently going through horrible mental problems and in order to get cope with them I use alcohol. At times I purposely drink and drive just so I have a chance of not making it home that day but I always some how make it home. I am at my ends and do not know what to do, I do not have anybody to vent to so I though doing it anonymously would maybe make me feel better so here I am. Thank you for listening. Need help",Depression +15333,"I really want to cure myself since now my anxiety and stress got worse this past day, i do not want to move or make an action it feels like a heavy burden deep within my heart that make me want to die everyday, I want to stop it, I want to be free from everything, so can someone tell me or teach how to cure myself, and free from everything.... Can someone teach me on how to get out of depresss",Depression +15334,I am scum I am just a lowlife degenerate who deserves every negative thing that is ever happened to me and I do not deserve anything good that has. everyone is life would probably be so much better off without me hell I might be so worthless and meaningless my death would affect nothing. I probably should kill myself but I will not and I am so sorry that I will not do it I am so sorry that I still exist I am so sorry that I will not go through with it I am so sorry that you are forced to be on this earth with me for another second I am so honest to god sorry that I cannot bring myself to do it I am so sorry that I still have hope I am sorry that someone like me has the audacity to still be alive. I am truly sorry that Ill never ever go through with it why I will not I just do not know I am sorry,Depression +15335,"Almost 30. No significant other, never had one. Almost no friends, just a couple that do not live anywhere near me and my correspondance with them is mostly bitching or snapchats. Live with my parents but my mom has abused my emotionally my whole life. 99.9% of the time my other family members do not defend me or are not around. Moving out is not really an option right now, tho i am looking into it (does not seem like there are any affordable, safe options). My dad was mostly my only friend but always takes my moms side so it has soured our relationship. Almost 30 years of this. Nobody to talk to about it. I cannot take it anymore. Once my cat dies there will be no reason for me to be alive anymore. I know the dogs will get taken care of if i died. But not my cat. I have made so many cries for help to my siblings and sometimes to friends, but none of them actually care. Maybe one friend but she lives too far away and i cannot put being a savior to me on her. I do not want to die, but i know nobody cares if I am dead or not but my pets",Suicidal +15336,"So I was venting about some problems, a whole load of stuff like parental, identity, etc. And I could tell the operator was vv tired (this was 12 ish, it was a Sunday prolly been a long night) but at some point, she just cut out. But the thing is, the phone call just stayed running. When a phone like actually cuts off, the whole CALL ENDS. but I guess, since she was not allowed to be the one hanging up the phone or smth, she just had to let the line ring and hope that I hung up. See, I was pissed at this. At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, waited a while. Then 5 mins. By now I knew smth was up. I could hear crackling on the line, she was still there, I know so, I just stayed on too. Whoever you were bilingual, very tired, very impersonal woman in your 30-40s, frick you. Kids help phone hung up on me",Suicidal +15337,"When I was growing up my dad would hit us. During college, I would have this irrational fear that I will not be able to finish my assignment and would be dropped out even after 100 times of me successfully completed my assignments. But I had hope because I thought once I work and earn money it will go away. I am having tremendous problems with anything work-related right now, constant fear of getting fired, of not being able to do the job, or the boss will overwork me and damage my health. Maybe it is essentially a trust issue for me. it is not outward anxiety. The fear is always there. It feels like the fear of about to be sent to fight a lion in a cage, which I most likely cannot fight and will be torn apart. This constant fear makes me want to escape life before I have to face the tremendous pain (of being torn apart by the lion). Life is just not enjoyable with this constant fear. I do not want to live with this fear anymore. How can I make it stop? Fear is making life difficult",Suicidal +15338,Toxic as in need a psych ward. I lash out at everyone and everything. Then go on an endless spiral of guilt when they forgive me. Repeat cycle. it is always one or the other excuse. I am hungry. Sleep deprived. On my period. It has become so bad that people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me and the relationships they keep with me are mostly superficial. Leads to loneliness. It never ends. I can never erase the image they have of me in their mind. The drama queen is who I am. Congrats anxiety you have got it right. I want to die. I am the toxic person everyone warns you about.,Suicidal +15339,For the past 2days i have not been myself at all. I feel empty. I am having wierd thoughts and sizures i think. Pkease i donf want to kill myself. Please stop the thoughts i beg you please i beg you God please. I cannt find a way to live this thru . No no I am going insane,Suicidal +15340,"I have wanted to be put on medication for months but the useless people in this shit town just tell me to 'take cbt and everything will be fine' , well, it is been a countless number of sessions and i still feel the exact fucking same, still depressed, still socially inept, and lonely as ever. Maybe it is bcz it is online but my counsellor constantly looks dissatisfied and as if I am spewing bullshit and am the most disgusting creature, on top of that, she is a complete asshole. Therapy, counselling, cbt, it is all bullshit, none of it works, i just need drugs man even if it means feeling nothing, it is better than what I am feeling now. cbt is fucking bullshit",Depression +15341,I am at my limit life sucks so badly and I am a terrible person. I tried to get help and it was so bad. I am going to do it soon.,Suicidal +15342,"Almost every friend I have ever made has free roam of my life and can come and go as they pleasebut its funny how every single friend wants to stay out of my life. Ill let them, for their happiness, if not for mine. Ill respond accordingly to their messages to me, but, heh, when is that ever going to happen? Technically I have not cut anyone out of my life.",Depression +15343,"Last year my best friend passed away in her sleep. She meant the world to not only me, but, my wife too. They were the best of friends. She gave us a glimmer in this world, of hope; everything really could get better. Financial stability was not easy to come by due to covid, and we lived with some really bad people. We were very much obliged when she helped us get back on our feet. Alas, her health had gotten to a point where she could not exactly take care of herself as much she used to. We offered to take care of her accordingly, but.. it was too late.This year.. when it felt like everything would bounce back after the 'year that did not happen' came to pass, our eyes opened wider. A family friend of over fifteen+ years had committed suicide. Simply put, this sweet man just could not do it anymore. He had been struggling far more than we all imagined. Needless to say, and to not get incredibly personal, the light of his world had more or less given up on him prior. She wanted to call it quits with a divorce. That killed him quicker than any poison I have ever seen kill a man. He was battling his own demons indeed - and we truly did not see everything from behind the scenes. But, we knew, and always had our arms open offering guidance. But, ..it was still too late.we have seen many people come, and go since these devastating events have occurred. Everyday we grow further apart with what we thought was a friend group. I have lost countless friends to drugs, sickness and crime. My wife, and I have helped many through every possible tragedy, and life stressors to finally get to the point where we have nobody left to help, so to speak. Everyone seems to move on.. I cannot find the light anymore. I cannot find a reason to smile. If it was not for my wife, I do not know what I would do. I will be celebrating my birthday on the 25th alone with her.I have no friends, truly. Only memories. I live in a world without color, and I am afraid I lost my smile forever. Am I selfish?",Depression +15344,"id do anything for my ex to have a normal brain so we could have our fairy tale happy ending, but maybe this ending is going to be like romeo and juliet except broken because its just me killing myself id do anything",Suicidal +15345,"Litteraly who cares if it gets better later. I have been depressed since 6th grade hear this shit daily and life does not get any better. ACTUALLY it gets FUCKING worse. I lost all my friends due to self isolation. I got fucking acme now. I got exema now. I have messy and ugly long hair. And I cut myself daily and have no fucking ways to express my thoughts and emotions to anyone. I fucking wish I died back in 6th grade instead of being in 11th grade crying every single god damn day ""Life gets better just wait"" is such shitty advice",Depression +15346,"I am not sure why but today I have just got so sad about how me and my friends have not played PS4 in a while. Times just moved so fast its been around 2-3 months. I just do not knew where the time has gone, this year has just been so foggy. I am not sure why",Depression +15347,"I just need to rant for a second. feel free to not respond or do, idrc. but i just think its so unfair that some people have a genuinely good life with great, loving, supporting parents and their only problems in life is, for example boys. meanwhile I am stuck with shitty parents, my moms a drug addict and my dad is a recovered (idrk anymore) drug addict who is in and out of jail every month. I never see any of them anymore and they never even try to see me. like they are my PARENTS, how could they not want to see their daughter. and when my mom was living with us (i live at my grandmas) she let us her abusive psychotic bf into our house, knowing hes not allowed. her ex bf actually broke into my grandmas house a few weeks ago and broke my moms door. I just do not know what to do anymore, on top of all that i suffer from depression and anxiety and bpd and an ed. its just so hard and now i have to work all the time so i can afford my own apartment because my grandma is selling the house in a few months and already found a new place. (cannot move in with her because she is living somewhere for the elderly) i just feel like complete shit right now, I am not going to kill myself but damn i truly never expected my life to be this fucking bad. i just have nobody except one friend but i do not want to rant to them all the time, I am sure it gets very annoying. well i have to work early tmr so imma end this here, thank you if you read this far. and if you did not, well I am really not surprised like I am literally being that bitch that just trauma dumps but i just cannot hold shit in much longer. Hate life",Depression +15348,"For so long now nearly a decade I have been aware of this feeling of wanting to kill myself. I have thought about the best options, in terms of pain, speed of deaths and the economics of it. During that decade my mental health has fluctuated lots and there have been times were I have not been suicidal but still I was not happy. Everything now is sort of crashing down and the impending fear of loneliness often creeps up on me. it is somewhat not even about being sad anymore, its bored of being sad. Life has somewhat become meaningless if everything I do, even sometimes when I succeed, I am still not happy. I think about my family, my friends and acquaintances but there sadness when I am truly at my lowest really means nothing and sadly I do not care. I fear myself and my unpredictability. I am tired of living",Suicidal +15349,I am really not sure if what I did was my fault?Previously I had a suicide attempt and on that night I was talking to him about why I wanted to and that I would miss him. I talked about my friends not trusting me and he thought I was referring to a secret that he said he had but refused to tell me. He then says 'do you want me to tell you so I say yes seeing as he made it sound like he had a permanent mental illness and was endangered. He then tells me the secret and it is something quite different and now he is saying that I forced him to do it and he regrets it even tho he says he is happy to tell me which makes no sense. &#x200B;I have not spoken to him in days and he is my only friend and he is being so selfish he just misinterpreted my words which made him tell me and none of this is my fault from my perspective? I am just really not sure and want it all to end. My friend acts like I leverage my suicide attempt to manipulate him.,Suicidal +15350,"i do not even know why I am making a public post about this but whatever. I am fed up. btw trigger warning - i will mention self-harm.I am fed up with life, with the world, with the whole universe. idk if this is just a mental breakdown or a mood swing, my mood has been up and down this past week, but then no cuz i feel I am fucking valid in my anger and how i feel. basically, I am tired of being treated like a worthless piece of trash by the universe (when i say universe, i mean it in a spiritual sense..like how some believe in a god etc.) when i know my fucking worth. it is bad enough i was invisible to my mother growing up, with her ass neglecting me for 16 years of my fucking life, but why am i now (at 21 fucking years old) invisible to the world too? i thought i was doing better. i really did. my mom's neglect caused me to suffer from depression and cut myself at the age of 14. overcame it at 16 when i moved in with my dad, a parent that actually fucking cared about me for once. but life did not get much better after that. I am a loser that took 5 years to graduate hs, and now i am delayed one year in receiving my associate because i got WUs on some classes (lol and you can thank ANXIETY AND INSOMNIA MY NEW MENTAL ILLNESSES for that). amongst my peers, i am years behind. great. but what really pushed me over the edge tonight is the fact that no one gives a fuck about me, and I do not KNOW WHY. i am invisible to everyone, everyone ignores me. i am lonely, lol all i ask...all I have been asking for since i was 14 is for some friends but i cannot even get that. damn bitch am i really that hard to love? 21 years of being alive and i still do not have friends lol. the universe just hates me. all i have are like 6 ""best"" friends from elementary, but let us be fucking honest the only reason why were friends is cuz we feel obliged to. with the exception of 3, i only ever see them like 2-3 times a year anyways despite living in the same area, and the other 3 that i talk to and meet regularly got other options regardless lol, i do not. and what does one do when it is hard to make local friends? turn to social media. social media should be easier as it is easier to find people who share the same interests as you....but OFCOURSE not for mewtf am i a plague? the universe just fucking hates me, I am a polite person, I am not rude, and I have been called funny, so why am i treated like I am fucking invisible? i should have just stayed cutting my wrists. tbh this is just a rant.",Suicidal +15351,"been having depression, panic attacks and derealisation episodes for quite some time now and it sucks that the only SSRI I can afford rn is Fluoxetine, which has not been working for me. I have heard good things about Sertraline but both my parents are retrenched so there is no way I can afford it long term. any advice on what I can do when I cannot afford treatment? currently in university now and its been really hellish to live day by day why are SSRIs so expensive?",Depression +15352,I need a reason why suicide is not good?Why cannot we just leave if we are not comfortable like seriously what wrong what is the problem with that? Why not?,Suicidal +15353,I honestly get flash backs of happer memories and I am afraid to remember further I am also scared to go in to more details because peaple I got into disagree men's with our cyber stalking me and have twisted my words in order to mack me look bad.I am getting better soport on reddit most days then I do in real life. I just remembered two places I use to live,Suicidal +15354,Took me being really fn high to realize she is keeping me around just like I am keeping her around - I just did not realize till this second that is what is happening. I always thought it was me putting more of the chase? WOW,Depression +15355,"My wife and I went through a miscarriage about 2 months ago. I do not know how to feel? I cannot sleep. She tries to talk to me about it but I avoid it or stay quiet. I feel as if it is my fault, I put her through stress and cannot seem to get my shit together in order to help her out or not stress her out. With that I also feel like the stress it is put on our relationship is because of how I cannot seem to get my life in order. she is told me already how she feels and how I need to communicate with her but when the moment comes to talk about it or communicate I freeze up or get scared and stay quiet, part of me feels because if I say something I am only going to make her more upset or not help the situation out in her feeling better about talking? I hate pitty party's but I need help. I am frustrated at myself because I do not know what to do but she gives me the answers on what to do. I want to hug her and kiss her and tell her that I love her but I am scared she will not believe me and push me away or reject me. My own wife that I love. Am I depressed? If so how do I get out of it to help her out? The only thing that makes me feel good rn is being alone..but at the same time I want to be with my wife and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and have lots of kids and a big happy family. But what do I do? Where do I start? Miscarriage",Depression +15356,I am planning on shooting myself in the head with an assault rifle. I will direct the rifle from below (chin) and the bullet will go right through my head. Is this method 100% certain? Or is there a chance for me to survive? Assault Rifle,Suicidal +15357,I am just exhausted with it all. I have been through multiple therapists and psychiatrists and i still feel like shit. i just cannot change. all the solutions are right in front of me and I am unable to find them and i hate myself for it. I am just slowly rotting away. I am fucking exhausted of feeling like shit and hating myself. I am so fucking sick of it all I am so fucking unhappy with life,Depression +15358,"The mornings are absolutely chilling.No matter the temperature. Now everyday she wakes up to realize no one will ever want to do that, hold her to sleep.Let alone touch her. Ever again. - me at some point. I have never wanted to be so far away in my entire life, I do not care where, anywhere but here but I cannot move and I cannot stop crying. So how do I leave without moving? I die. This week I have consoled every single person that has came to me for whatever reason specifically over one of the people I have oddly let see way too much of me so his friends they are, they do not deserve to feel pain. I do not want them to. I do not want to. But I cannot help it and it never stops. So I consider it karmic. I am just that bad.Not human, evil, always. I have not eaten in days. I am scared and alone. And I put on a facade for everyone else to make sure they are okay I have a routine every morning after this stupid dream that a singular person would hold me to sleep to text all of them and make sure they are okay and I am not okay and I have not been okay and I can scream that I am not okay at the top of my lungs;And no one hears me. This is how I know I am a real piece of shit, it will only because them more pain. If I off myself I will just be causing everyone more pain, everyday I check on them we are already missing one. Part of me does not care. I am alone. I am terrible.There has never been a good thing about me. I have been shaped by abuse and people pleasing and I am a void.On autopilot making sure everyone else is okay.Well take some time alone.Oh with my thoughts? The ones that are telling me to blow my head off? Someone said intent is all that matters and I always thought my intentions were good or justified. When I die and I already technically have before so its going to be awful but it is much better than me being me. I do not deserve anything good. that is obvious by how much harder it is to wake up everyday and I am so confused and scared. I cry for thirty seconds and wipe my tears and make sure everyone is okay If they need me to comeover if they have ate. I can feel my stomach gnawing at itself. I deserve this. To be alone and suffer. Can I handle that? No. I cannot. I am so sorry On rare occasion she wakes up from a dream that someone is holding her to sleep.",Suicidal +15359,"If the doctor said I had terminal cancer I would have to fake being upset. It would be great to have a way out, a sure fire way out of here, that would not be my 'fault' or anyone else's. My whole family would watch me transform into probably the happiest they have ever seen me because I would know I am getting the hell out of here. I would be relieved. Anyone relate to that? Are there people who are suicidal that have terminal illnesses on here? If so, what is that like for you? Terminal illness",Suicidal +15360,Any one keen to vent eachother. I am drunk asf and do not give fuck. I am so lonely Friends? let us vent.,Depression +15361,"Ill be surprised. I am going into my senior year after summer break, which as many of you know, is the last year of secondary school.Sometimes, I do not think Ill make it to graduate. I am just a useless retarded autistic teen with no point in life. If I make it to graduate high school",Suicidal +15362,"This really fits better here, I am thinking about ways I could go out. Nobody would miss me after a few days anyway Honestly, this life has been nothing but the worst experience possible and always goes downhill no matter what I try I have had to deal with being isolated as a child, Growing up with neither parents and not even knowing one, being Bullied throughout the entire course of school. Better yet, how about changing schools and being isolated harder because nobody knows you. It also does not help being ugly and the biggest person in every room.I had nobody to support or encourage me during schooling so I just did whatever and somehow passed. You would think hs would have been better but nope, I literally fit in with no groups and stayed to myself until I dropped out in 10th grade.But here we are now, I am an at home slave for lazy people who will use many types of verbal and mental abuse to make me do things which has made it impossible for me to tell people No. if I am injured or sick I am forced to work through it but if someone else is the same, I have to be a nurse while also being insulted for not doing things perfect. I am not allowed to make any accidents I am 20, have been trying to finish high school for the past 3 years and I am at 23.5/24 credits and have to wait until October to get my final half of a class.Its been setback after setback, I have gained extreme body image issues to the point I workout in a very unhealthy way, pushing myself and also staving myself. The funny part is, I am actually ok at everything I do but somehow I always get worst at everything over time. I just want to end this so I can try again or something is 1st World Problems/Nobody Cares",Suicidal +15363,"Also just throwing it out there, you have very nice eyes and pls drink something today ily <3 :) Hey :) anyone got advice for getting ready for dentist tomorrow? Also any ideas for excuses on not brushing good lol",Depression +15364,"I have always had bad acne. I have tried pretty much every treatment/solution you can think of including accutane, and although my face is pretty clear (for the most part), my body acne just does not go away. ever. I have tried dozens of different products, tips, and been to multiple dermatologists and nothing takes it away. it makes me furious to see girls that can wear revealing clothes comfortably and naturally while I cannot because nobody wants to see acne. Its not attractive to anyone. I cannot be intimate bc I am too insecure about it. And it never goes away. What reason do I have to live? my acne is making me want to die",Suicidal +15365,"This started around 2019, probably because of exams or something maybe I do not know, I thought I will be handle it on my own but it just does not seem to stop. I feel like I am scared of everything, scared of failing when I try to do something, scared of tomorrow, scared of my future. It just does not feel like how I was before, two years back I was just a stupid 16 year old that did not care even if someone said something and just loved hanging out, but now even the smallest 'no' to my demands makes me want to cry like nothing else. It feels immature of me and I just cannot do anything about it, the more I think about it the more it hurts in the chest and I just want to forget it. I have run out of motivation to do anything at all now, I wanted to focus on getting a better college, focus better on my academics but these thoughts of 'Why am I even doing this?' just keeps on coming up my mind. The last week I had a dream of my sister being blind from one eye and begging on the streets and I was freaked out about it, I never talked to my mom or sis about this because since dad died everything had been depressing in this house and we were finally starting to get back into like again, we laugh at jokes, talk about stuff like a normal family while having food and I love that and I just do not want that to go away or make them worried. Just yesterday I thought of just forgetting all of this and so I just stepped out of the house, there was a road I had to cross and I do not exactly understand what happened, all I remember was there was some thought on my mind and I just stood there thinking about it, in the middle of the road. Fortunately, the driver was driving slow and just honked on me snapping me out of it. I used to love doing stuff, coding, writing, reading and even sometimes focus on my academics but now, it is like everything has lost it is taste, it is like I do not recognize myself anymore like as if it is not the 'me' anymore. I have been crying and crying all over again thinking this will be over, but it never stopped. I feel lost.",Depression +15366,"I do not think I can handle being abandoned one more fucking time. I am on the verge of blowing my fucking brains out and I swear to god if one more person leaves me, I am going to do it. I spent my entire childhood being abused and abandoned, and it all comes rushing back to the forefront of my mind when this shit happens. I cannot fucking take it. I cannot. I am in constant, overwhelming psychological pain from the scars, the schizophrenia, the financial stress. I cannot fucking do this anymore. Please fucking help me. I cannot take it anymore.",Suicidal +15367,"Yeah, I have been in a relationship and my partner is a control person, but except her, I have nothing. It is going terible to me, everyday, I wake up, the first thing I heard is not ""good morning, hun"" or sth like that. But the way I start my new day is listening to my partner's complaint and it is been almost 4 years. What should I do if I want to suicide?",Depression +15368,Today I was supposed to get my marks but I ended running away. I was planning to hang myself in another building but there are no means. I am in it atm. Any tips on what should I do? My father got my marks and they are all zeros... I want to die. Advice?,Suicidal +15369,"hi, I am going to try to not make this too long, but, for the past year or so I have been feeling horrible. my whole life I have always struggled with thinking about doing it, but always convinced myself that i have it so well. but, long story short, since last quarantine i built up a really good youtube channel with over 60k+ subscribers and a loyal fanbase, but its really all too much. so many people have said horrible things to me, i see people say mean things about my appearance and voice, (even in places where they would not think id see it, they just post it.) i see people reply to cringey comments I have made 2+ years ago like oh hey did not expect to see you here and it FREAKS ME OUT. i feel like i always have eyes on me and i am not built for this. like the title says, I am only 16, and all this youtube stuff built on top of my already existing depression has me feeling left with no other option. and yes, I have tried quitting, (silently though, i did not announce my departure) and people just got mad that i did not upload and started to unsubscribe. it suuuucks. idk what to do anymore, thanks for reading this if you did, that is about it. i do not think I am going to ever do it, but i cannot go a single day without thinking about it. alright bye. 16 and in a tough rlly specific situation",Suicidal +15370,"I really did. And then an hour ago I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I could not walk, could not stand up, whatever. I think that if I had a gun with me I would not have hesitated to kill myself, my brain was just... gone. I have too much to say, but my eyes are closing. So maybe Ill be better tomorrow. I thought I was doing better.",Suicidal +15371,"Just lay it out there , why is it even worth living, I have had money I have blown money, I messed up big time in high school, never went to college, have no options what is the point and do not give me some sappy bullshit. I need a reason. Someone give me a reason to live",Depression +15372,20 years old only family is my father grew up poor mother died from cancer when I was 3 not to say I am ocd but something is wrong with me I have always chewed nails picked (even sometimes ate scabs?....) cut the shit out of myself In high school have ripped my hair out and head butted walls cannot relax small stresses push me over the edge neck hurts like a mother fucker getting worse for years now work manual labor as a carpenter do not feel like I can talk to my dad all I ever have to say is how much pain I am in and he cannot help me so it makes us both sad hes almost 60.... and all I have.... I want the pain to go away so bad but my life is only going to get harder every week my neck feels worse I do not trust doctors I cannot work anymore I just cannot take it fuck my neck hurts so bad I think I can tough it out for old times sake until my old man leaves me but how can I possibly pull out of this Abyss of purely negative emotions all my negativity and stress only makes the pain worse and the pain only makes my attitude worse I think I am gone already I do not even know why I am here I wish Jesus would walk the earth again and heal me I do not want to die but I just cannot take this forever 5 10 more years maybe hopefully I am not fucking paralyzed and still have the ability to send some lead through my head by the time I have had my proper fill of this horrible ass life Chronic pain :(,Suicidal +15373,"I have been suffering depression on and off since i was a young teen but ever since the pandemic, my lows have been very low and my highs not so high at all. I am so tired today, completely exhausted and i cannot find any reason as to keep burdening myself onto other people by staying alive i did not know where else to post",Depression +15374,I am having a hard time believe it is. Is life really worth it?,Depression +15375,"Just another vent because I have got no one else to share these with:Wonder how people are handling relationships or just how they get handed the best partners that they are meant to be with.I am tired of the fights that keep coming from nowhere, I get blamed for the fights started by the SO. Tears and struggles in every aspect of life, why does it have to be me????Why cannot I be happy or get to enjoy the ordinary things in life. Tired of life and I cannot even be open about it, masking it and acting like everything's going great.I honestly envy those who have it all, relationship, personality, etc etc etc the same things that I have been deprived of.And I cannot even focus on things anymore, I feel like I am losing the ability to concentrate. I find it difficult to argue/defend, let alone explain myself or even understand situations because I am unable to have that clarity. I have to keep thinking what just happened, what should I say, who started this fight...Feeling exhausted and fed up... Had enough of it all...",Depression +15376,"Honestly, this life has been nothing but the worst experience possible and always goes downhill no matter what I try I have had to deal with being isolated as a child, Growing up with neither parents and not even knowing one, being Bullied throughout the entire course of school. Better yet, how about changing schools and being isolated harder because nobody knows you. It also does not help being ugly and the biggest person in every room.I had nobody to support or encourage me during schooling so I just did whatever and somehow passed. You would think hs would have been better but nope, I literally fit in with no groups and stayed to myself until I dropped out in 10th grade.But here we are now, I am an at home slave for lazy people who will use many types of verbal and mental abuse to make me do things which has made it impossible for me to tell people No. if I am injured or sick I am forced to work through it but if someone else is the same, I have to be a nurse while also being insulted for not doing things perfect. I am not allowed to make any accidents I am 20, have been trying to finish high school for the past 3 years and I am at 23.5/24 credits and have to wait until October to get my final half of a class.Its been setback after setback, I have gained extreme body image issues to the point I workout in a very unhealthy way, pushing myself and also staving myself. The funny part is, I am actually ok at everything I do but somehow I always get worst at everything over time. I just want to end this so I can try again or something is 1st World Problems/Nobody cares",Depression +15377,"I am honestly fucking struggling. I have some bearable days where my overthinking is not obsessive, but I just do not know what to do anymore. I am on 5mg of Zyprexa, 80mg of Prozac 20mg of Propranolol daily and recently started 10mg of Buspirone 2x a day. Also 1mg of Klonopin & 20mg of Adderall as needed. I have been hospitalized 3 times. (Inpatient psych) first for psychosis, had been severely stressed out and not sleeping due to an overwhelming job position, so I was paranoid amongst other things. This first experience was less than traumatic than my last, well get to that part eventually because I clearly have a lot to unpack. I spent about two weeks inpatient at a nice college unit where I rested and recovered from my one time episode. I went home and was very depressed and suicidal considering they had just taken me off of the Effexor I was on for a few months. I was paranoid and worried that my ex was out to get me and for some reason related a TV series to my own personal life, and brought up some trauma that I previously did not unpack but made the mistake of doing it in an unsafe judgemental space. I broke up with him because I could not stand my feelings and I still fucking miss him to this day I went back in on the 31st of October of 2018. I felt unsafe and had my dad take me to the hospital. There I was at the same college inpatient unit for another 3 weeks where I had made some friends and started feeling ok. After that I went to a partial hospital program which was 5x a week morning to noon for a good 6 weeks. During that time I tried Zoloft which did not do shit apparently, then moved on to Prozac and Wellbutrin, was briefly on Risperidone my first hospitalization which made me lactate causing me to freak out which I clearly did not need at the time. After my second hospitalization I tried Abilify, went to the partial hospital program again, found a new therapist so on and so fourth. My third hospitalization started June 2020, I was tazed in my bathtub where I had went to hide when 4 police cars showed up because my father could not contain me. I had not slept in 3 days and was paranoid, handcuffed and held down by 3 police officers, and had my legs shackled. They sedated me when I got to the hospital and all I remember is trying to stretch my legs and being unable to because of the foot cuffs. I felt helpless and humiliated, I had no pants on and my entire building was outside when this was happening. Some asshole neighbor of mine even took a video of the whole fucking fiasco but denies it to this day. I still have a lot of trauma to unpack and have struggled with finding a therapist. I have had a few and i just do not get shit through my thick head. I am fucking blabbering but I am desperate and leaving to my parents country tomorrow to get clean off weed because all I do is smoke to escape my feelings. I am suicidal as fuck and live for the life and love of my parents and sister. I am desperate for any insight thought or anything. I am losing my shit dude I sound insane but I do not ducking care 22F MDD&GAD Hopeless.",Depression +15378,"i plan it out in my head constantly every single day but I am too scared to attempt. I wish there was a way where it would not hurt at all, I wish i was not such a pussy. it sucks to realize how much of an annoying person you really are. To realize it just keeps getting worse when it seems like it gets better. i do not really find a point anymore",Suicidal +15379,"Does anyone else find that their memory, short or long term has gotten worse due to their depression or has happened around the same time? it is been just short term for me and it is gotten even more noticable when i cannot recall stories that some friends told me just the night before. (Something I would not have zero interest in) Odd side effect[Memory]",Depression +15380,I cannot stop these constant thoughts in my head. I know I am going to kill myself eventually. I mean nothing to this world and I am a consistent failure. I cannot wait to be dead. No more pain Its been half a year and I have gotten worse,Depression +15381,"Yesterday I was (finally) having a great time after a lot of shitty days, i was cooking while listening to my favourite music, I was feeling so good... until my mother came, then the music just stopped and I started feeling like always. I had a Knife in my hands and I thought about stabbing myself with it but it would be stupid. Its a shit to live with someone like my mom. She has 0 empathy to other people and she is also very hypocrite.She always told us to be kind to other people, to do not judge them for their appareances. Then she said that my sister's taste for clothes is like going to a ""Carnaval"" or costume party.She always told us to do not lie and to not hide the truth but she is always lying to my dad and telling him that we need money for school or something. Then my dad send her money and it just evaporates or something (she has A LOT of shoes in her closet).She always told us that the violence is not a solution but i clearly remember hearing her threatening my sister. Saying that she would break her face if she does not listen and obbey. I also can remember the day she came form work and hit me because I had not thrown the trash.She always told us that we can trust her but she has been bothering me a lot because I do not care about her anymore and she thinks that I smoke weed or something. Seriously? the person who since he was a child has refused alcohol every time you have offered him?She also told us that she care about us and she is always ther to hear and hep us but when I said that i only wanted to be calm she got mad and started yelling at me and asking if she is the reason I am like this. Then she said that she does not care if I am fake. ""When i get home from work i want you to be smiling and hug me"" she said. Almost everyday she ask me if I have something to tell her or if I need help or Blah blah blah. I always says no. I does not want to talk to her because I now that it would get even worse. This morning she made me wake up at 4.30 AM and cross the whole damn city with her. Then when we arrived to the place we waited 20 minutes and she told me that I did not needed to be there and that i could go home. Wtf? She knows that I have ""School"" so she just wanted to disturb me. Fortunately will not see her for the next 2 days as she will be in the hospital. She showed me the way there but I am not going to visit her. I forgot to write a loooot of things but I started feeling worse and i have to leave. Everytime my mom is near me I just want to stab myself with a Knife",Depression +15382,"Lately I have lost enjoyment in things I do, I even completely stopped masturbating even though I used to do it alot. I am afraid to go outside because I feel like my presence makes a negative impact on the people around me (even though that makes no sense). At night I overthink and I just imagine being completely betrayed and/or am being l lied to without knowing. I do not know who to talk to because I feel like they will say I am being over dramatic and I am self diagnosing to get attention. I show some symptoms of depression without having anything to be depressed about",Depression +15383,"Hey all, this might be a weird post but I have been engaged since the lockdown in the US started and the lingering fear/uncertainty has me paralyzed. (I have been dating them since Halloween 2017 for reference.) I also have a history of past depressive episodes but its never led to self harm and I have gotten therapy in the past. I need to wedding plan and make sure its really what I want to do, but all I feel is sad, unstable and questioning everything. Like Ill start looking into venues or doing pre-planning stuff and I just cannot do it. I cannot contact any locations, even for questions or availability. I hate it and do not know how much of it is already from past issues or just from this past year making me feel like a she will of myself. I have told my fianc straight up I do not like who I am right now at the worst of it, but most days now I just feel nothing. Like I know I should be excited and happy but I do not and it terrifies me. Would appreciate any helpful advice from people who have been in the same boat, thanks. Depression ruining being engaged/relationship",Depression +15384,"I just feel like I have no one to reach out to anymore to talk about these sort of things. I was drinking about teaching out to a crisis line but I have read so many horror stories and I do not have the funds to be involuntarily commented again. I have dealt with mental health issue since I was probably 13 or 14. And every year it just get harder to hold on. I have finally reached the point where I realized that literally no on cares about me or if I would continue living.I have already written my notes, already taken a few pills and alcohol. Just waiting to get the courage to continue the rest. I just wish I had a reason to continue because I am scared. But I do not have anything to hold onto to.Not a throwaway, I do not really care. it is getting harder to hold on",Suicidal +15385,"Recently the thought have been getting worse and I am just so Close to running away and doing it. Both my parents are always arguing, I feel that my sister is leaving me behind, and my friends are really my friends. I am not sure if this is real or if I am just faking it. I want to die but I do not want to hurt my family.",Depression +15386,"I used to be very suicidal and have attempted to end my life before (thankfully non-successfully) and in the recent months I found myself loving life for the first time. In the past few weeks or so this feeling has gone away. I now have spent all of my nights sitting and thinking with a feeling so hollow that I cannot even put it into words. I thought Id come out of my depressive state but now it feels more like I was only able to set it aside because of how busy I have been during recent events. Nowadays its gotten worse, though. I am not going to pretend like I do not have any friends or something; the truth is I have more than I can count. But I have never been able to share personal information with any of them, even those I have known for most of my life. In addition to this, I have a girlfriend of 3 and a half years who I have been feeling distant with recently. She is always upset with me and has become less understanding of me and the things I try to tell her. I think the reason for this is that were both growing but unfortunately were growing in different directions. It just pains me to know that despite all these people in my life, they all see me as a crutch. I am someone to talk to when THEY have an issue. Once their issues are resolved they only keep me close enough so I can help when they need it again. I just really wish I had somebody in my life who could match who I am that I did not have to be a therapist for. A person who could level with me instead of trying to be under my wing. It might be my fault though, because I tend to try seeking control or leadership so I give people the impression that I am the one to turn to, yet people do not expect me to turn to them. I am not even sure what I am trying to gain from writing this, I have just run out of options. If you read this, thank you. If you have any insight or anything please let me know. I am afraid I am falling back into the depression I thought I got rid of",Depression +15387,every night i go to sleep the exact same dream of what happened 3 years ago just playing over and over..my gf died 3 years ago when i was 15 years old she got hit by a bus right in front of my fucking house..every time i go to sleep i dream of that one dreadfull night all i hear is the tires sqeauling horn going off and her screaming then a thump..the way it origonally happened is she got hit by the bus you came running outside saw her on the ground and tryed preforming cpr on her.. what i did not realize is that she was already gone.. when the paramedics arrived a couple police officers tryed to pull me off of her and i was in so much shock that i thought it was that bus driver so i ended up knocking them out and the other two cops had to taze me..basically i think I am scarred for life from that night and idk wtf i can do to get over it.. idk wtf to do..,Depression +15388,"I think I am going to end it soon, there is no reason for me to fight anymore. I cannot and I do not want to. I am not sure how or if I am going to do it thought, just thinking about it. I truly hate myself and fear future me. One thing that has been playing on my mind repeatedly is the abused becomes the abuser, I already show signs of that so why not end it all before I mess someone else up yk? Deciding,,",Depression +15389,"Everytime I type in ""I want to die"" or something of the suicidal sort, while feeling this fucking low, I get so blindingly pissed off when I see the damn suicide help line number pop up, with the obligated, abs ever so typical: ""Help is available.""The help line has never helped me, none of them. Neither has anyone else I have opened up to. Fuck. Off. Every time I type in ""I want to die""...",Suicidal +15390,"I am so mad at my mother. She cheated on my dad and betrayed all of us. How could you ruin our trust so badly in the snap of a fucking finger. I hate her. I cannot see her as my mother anymore. How dare you? How dare you screw all of us over like this? What the hell is wrong with you? there is so much other shit going on in my life and now this? What the fuck is even the point? I hope my fake friends burn in hell along with my mother. I do not know what to do anymore, everything is just going to shit. I was already thinking about ending my life before this and boy is this the cherry on top My parents are getting divorced and everything is against me",Suicidal +15391,"I am having many family problems and living situation problem and I just do not know what to do anymore. I am having many sad thoughts about just hating life and wishing it would all end.While I have said I would never end my life, with how much I have been hating life I wish it would just end. I do not know anymore Very unhappy with life",Depression +15392,"I am just some bitter asshole.Gunna be 20 soon and what I have to show for it? Fuck all, wasted childhood no friends no romantic relationships fucking nothing. Wish I could consent to being born because I feel like I was thrust into this shit unwillingly. I never wanted to live. Gunna go to sleep",Depression +15393,"I have been (passively at best, actively at worst) suicidal for more years (14+) than I have not been at this point. It feels like a cancer that I just cannot cut out, no matter what meds I take or what positive life changes I make. When I go to bed at night or take depression naps I cannot help but think of how nice it would be if I died in my sleep. I beg the universe for it sometimes. Especially with the trajectory of the world.And if I am not supposed to die then I wish that life could just pause for a few seconds. I am struggling to breathe, and its maddening not having adequate space to even attempt to work through these awful feelings. How do I tell my job, friends, family that my daily performance is suffering because I wish I was dead? How do I provide for myself if I am in long-term treatment? Rent does not go away. Responsibilities will pile up. I am so worried that if I acknowledge how bad things are and try to seek help that my life would only get worse and that it would be impossible to claw myself out of that hole.People expect you to keep going like nothing is the matter if you give them the PG version of your thoughts, or they start treating you like you are crazy if you are too honest with them.And there is no way I could responsibly start a family like this or accomplish any of lifes basic milestones. I worry that adoption agencies would flag me in an instant if I tried getting help. I cried for hours today just thinking of how irresponsible Id be getting a dog and dragging it down with my mood, let alone putting a partner or kid through this misery. These basic things feel so unattainable, and that is killing me.I feel like there is no way to win while keeping my pride intact, and I am starting to get tired of trying. I hate attention, but there is no way for me to get the help I need without having to take a break from work. I need more than twice monthly therapy at this point. But if this feeling never goes away then why put myself through that humiliation?No matter what I do there is always that emptiness eating away at my progress. The fleeting moments of happiness feel duller each time they come and go. I am not interested in anything anymore. Every single thing in my life is just going through the motions. I am numb to everything. And the it gets better thing sounds more and more like a lie with each passing day.I am just so tired. And I have all but resigned myself to putting my head on my pillow every night and hoping I do not wake up. Does this feeling ever go away?",Suicidal +15394,i wish someone was there to hug and protect me when i needed it most. but most of the people in my life do not take my pain seriously. its always laughed off or I am laughed at. i cannot fucking take it anymore why do i have to keep being strong for myself if no one is there to tell me good job someone was supposed to be there,Depression +15395,"having a particularly shit day today ,after my noticing one of my coworkers asked me what was wrong and after dodging the question a couple of times i desided to tell her about my depresion and thoughts of ending it all(in hindsight a really stupid decision)thinking she would have some words of encouragement after knowing her for a long time but no i got hit with the"" everybody has got it rough try harder"" which devastated me.no more sharing for me back to bottling my emotions Never sharing about my depresion irl again",Depression +15396,Idk when or how but soon. I will likely hang myself. Idk if I will do it at home or at a hotel. Idk if I want my friends to find me like that. I just have to make myself do it at some point when no one is home. I have to pay rent soon and I refuse to spend what little time I have left working. My friends will keep bitching at me to get a job but it will not matter within a few days. I am scared and hesitant to do it but I know I have to. See ya. Soon.,Suicidal +15397,"I used to say that I would not commit suicide because I would not want the people who love me to be devastated. I know people love me, I know life could be worse, which makes this feeling more confusing and sad. I am at a point where the feeling of lonliness and sadness and just how much I hate myself have gotten to be too much. I still know how devastated my parents would be, but it is so painful being alive that I do not feel guilty for leaving because it will make me feel better. Its just getting really hard now. I am physically and mentally exhausted and I just really do not have the strength to go on. Everything hurts so bad. It never stops. I thought it would years ago. I feel so hurt and lost and like I am not meant to keep going. I am still trying but i just want to feel better and I do not think I will until I let go. I do not know anymore",Suicidal +15398,Just so I can work minimum wage for 40 years with no kids or live in my life? Fuck that. God knows I am making it nowhere might as well save everyone the trouble. I know I am hopeless regardless why stay?,Suicidal +15399,"Hello. Lately my mental health has been slowly out of my control. I have been struggling with it for years and still managed to recover or help myself through each episode but now, I think either it is become greater overtime or I am too exhausted to deal with it. Night time used to be my favorite time as this is when I could re-charge myself and feel more inspired. But the last two years, everything has turned up side down. At day time, working keeps my thoughts from wandering to undesirable things. But when I go to bed, I start to feel despair, useless, hopeless,...The scariest thing is, I could cry my eyes out at night and wake up next morning feeling ""hating"" myself being so miserable last night. But then the night comes again, things repeat. Last year there was one time I had shortness of breath and was so close to faint but luckily got myself go to the hospital.. After that and even now sometimes I still have these symptoms especially lying down, like my breath become shorter and lighter... I have not gone to the therapist yet. I have talked about this to my close friends but the thing is, when those episodes do not hit, I act very normally and cannot describe exactly what is going on with me. Every time I tried to seek advise about my problems but then my ""common sense"" is like ""no you are just exaggerating things, get a rest and you will be fine"". I am not fine at all. Things are going worse. I have been typing this far, and this time I will hit the post button. Night time depression?",Depression +15400,"I am spiraling tonight into self hate. I could be out with friends or doing something else. My fiance has a drinking problem and always goes to his buddy Mikes to watch football and to drink. I stopped wanting them to do it at our house because I do not drink anymore and I want the house clean on Monday morning and his friends always overstay their welcome and spill beer everywhere, and are disrespectful. Have you ever seen the movie Mother! with Jennifer Lawrence? That is how I feel when they come over all weekend. I am 3 weeks into quitting cannabis, which is highlighting my lonliness. I think weed gave me social anxiety and I was content to be alone and work on art or other introverted activities. Now I feel so depressed and alone. I have cancelled with friends and I may have alienated most of them because of my flakiness. My fiance is good to me in so many ways and I think its important he hangs out with his friends without me. I could go hang out with him but I hate how drunk and stupid they are, and they smell like my alcoholic dad which makes me feel nauseous. they are having a bro night and say sexist shit. I am kind of a bitch to my fiance when he is around and starts getting too drunk and annoying, like I will correct him if he repeats himself too many times or says some obvious or grandiose shit so he leaves. I know I am making progress and soon I will have other things to distract myself, but right now I feel alone and empty. My dog is not happy with me, its too dark to safely take her outside in this neighborhood and she thinks I am being lazy. I also keep getting minor colds or sinus infections so my energy is down. I feel like I keep getting sick or injured. Right now I do not know what to do. Its late Sunday night and I am cleaning an empty house and making soup all alone. I feel like a lonely housewife but without kids. Another weekend alone",Depression +15401,"for a little while, i did everything right. i was finally on a schedule. i was more social. i had more hobbies. and then one inconvenience today reminded me why i wanted to die in the first place. i hope tomorrow never comes.I am fucking trapped here i need to leave right now please let me go this is fucking torture i cannot do it anymore nothing hurts more than going back to breaking down when you thought you were improving",Suicidal +15402,"I probably going to ramble a bit, so sorry about that.(also sorry for bad english) I have not found motivation to fix anything in my life for a long time now. it is not that I want to die, luckily I did not really had those thoughts for a while now, altho the ocasionall thought does appear, but as fast as it apeared, it dissapears too. I would like to fix my life, but putting effort into something worthless, does not seem ok for me. Sounds like a waste of time, because I cannot change. At least it feels like it. I cannot exactly describe how do I feel. Everything feels... Grey. Even the thoughts in my head, weather it be good, or bad, it just has this emptiness feel to it, but not in a bad way. I would like to change, but I do not want to change either. I do not even feel motivation to kill myself. I mean why bother? It only going to because pain to others. Some might even blame themselves, and this feeling of emptiness would just go to the other person. I hate to talk about these things, because there are people who has a harder life than I do. I mean I am posting on a site, where are peoples who went trough the worst shit, has a traumatic sad life, yet here I am complaining and whine like a little kid. kind of feels like my feelings are not valid in any way or form. Maybe I am just selfish. I do not know anymore... Heck I never knew anything. Honestly, I do not know what I want or need anymore.",Suicidal +15403,I called. My sister is in charge of the suicide group. I for laughed at. Now I will kill myself as bd jury j m y nieces and nephews. Which of you are going to tell my family I did the right thing. Which of you are going to pick up the body. I hate all of you. You sure1000% fake and only care about updates. I am a Repetitive of someone in the industries and I have been given humiliated and no choice. I Sm slitting my wrists in t he morning. None of you have been any help and too many of you have laughed Strava me. I am oiling myself tomorrow and you and yours cannot help.,Depression +15404,"Honestly, I know I want to die and end my worthless existence. Yet, I hate the fact that my survival instinct kicks in and stops me. It makes me hate myself even more which leads me further to wanting to die. It is an endless loop I am trapped in. This is why I will never resent someone who would murder me and would be grateful to them for doing what I could not. I Wish I Had The Courage To Kill Myself",Suicidal +15405,"The only reason I am alive right now is because my girlfriend at the time convinced me to speak to a teacher about what I was doing to myself before I was sent to the guidance counselor. It was the worst decision of my entire life. She asked me questions about what I did and kept squirming and making noise when I explained what I had done. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 how much I wanted to end my life, which I responded with a 5 because I did not care if I lived or died. She called my mom after I begged her not to and told my mom about how ""smart"" I was for hiding my injuries and lying about where they came from if someone saw. My mom basically called me an attention whore and told her and my older sister that the only reason I did it was because my friends did it. After school she picked me up and yelled at me and screamed in my face about how I would not be able to go to college and that it was going to go on my record and the entire school was going to know and that the students and teachers were going to gossip about me and not be my friend. She refused to believe I was depressed and kept saying that it was just anxiety. Since then I have escaped a toxic relationship, relapsed, got sexually assaulted by my girlfriend, and got suicide baited and harassed for my skin color. If I had just ended my life those 2-3 years ago, none of this would have happened. I would just be gone and it would actually make me happy. Now I am just stuck, depressed and anxious and angry and so worthless and disgusting. I do not want to make it to my 17th birthday. I just want it to end Everytime I wonder if it would have been better to end my life when I was in 8th grade",Depression +15406,"TL;DR - Chronically bored, if that is a thing. I am doing perfectly alright. If I look at my life from the outside, I would say I am kind of an easy-going overachiever. Somehow I have cracked the formula to breeze through my academic and professional life with the least effort. This effort I am talking about itself is not out of laziness or arrogance (not completely at least), but out of sheer boredom. I guess I am making this post because frankly I have got nothing better to do. Somehow my uninterested ass always seems to get decent friends who look out for me and call me to fun events. I do not blame them a bit for it because they know I would do the same for them. But I do not fucking enjoy anything beyond a point. it is always been like this and always will be. For a long time, I, like an idiot, thought that I must be super smart. Maybe that is the reason I do not relate to anything. This juvenile line of thought, thankfully, ended when I came across smarter, more hard working peers in college and the workplace, who put me right in my place. I am digressing a bit. So soon I figured out that I am just an average, arrogant dumbass whose arrogance got cured a little bit in a healthy manner. But that led to the next question. Then why am I still so bored? I have tried various things to help with this. Forced myself to work on projects, forced myself to go out, forced myself to do relatively well and heck, I have even forced myself to a healthy lifestyle of vegetarian diet, daily exercise and meditation. do not get me wrong here, I did see some proper benefits out of all of them, but soon my old curse of sensing routine got into me and I eventually stopped. That is still fine. I know I will get back to doing good things again soon when my brain gets it shit right (its cyclical), but again, as you may have already noticed, I know I will get bored. So what do I do? I have changed academic tracks out of boredom, changed routines out of boredom, heck, I even changed my professional track out of boredom. I have done open mics out of boredom, unashamedly hit on girls at the bar out of boredom, came up with a serious start up plan too, thanks to boredom, lol. Right now, I think I might just take up exercise again so that one day I can go rock-climbing. But that engagement will also be momentary, sadly. I will probably do one easy rock and then come back to my routine bored self. Perhaps, I will take up photography when I am 45. Get a fucking Harley to get away from my wife and kids (not there yet, but probably will be owing to normal human routine), but soon get bored of the Harley and dump that poor shit. So ending this shitfest of a post, let me say, I am probably not depressed. I am definitely not lonely and I am definitely not a very good writer either lol. Just was in a bad headspace right now so made this post. Thanks to any kind soul who read this whole thing. I am doing alright.",Depression +15407,"Do any of you just that this feeling that, if someone held you for a bit, maybe everything will be okay?I mean like, holding you as you cry and mumble about your troubles. Maybe rubbing your back or patting your head reassuringly. Never discouraging you from your emotions, only letting you and your saddness exist with them. Maybe whispering ""let it out"", or ""its okay"", or even ""it is all going to be okay"", without ever shushing you. Maybe I am just that bad, though, I would be lying if I said I did not find comfort in this pathetic fantasy.God, this just makes me feel more ashamed of my feelings. I have never attempted to yet, but I cannot help feeling like I do not want to exist anymore. Surely, I do not really have a right to complain, when I have never fought the battle, right?Either way, I guess it would just be nice to be with someone who wanted me around. Who maybe was not repulsed by me, at least once.That might help me avoid the inevitable.. at this point. Loneliness really does feel like a slow-acting poison",Suicidal +15408,I am not really sure what to title this. I have been struggling with mdd with psychotic features and anxiety. i have no support group at all. 99% of people i try to talk to make it into a competition saying oh my life was work or they just tell me it will be okay or it will get better. my family does not care at all about me. my friends are not supportive at all and neither is my gf. I have woken up everyday exausted and i hate the way i look so much. i want to go to the gym but i do not have transportation and everytime i ask my gf to go she tells me no because she likes me the way i am. i try to explain to her how i do not like myself and she does not listen. i try so hard even tho it takes so much effort for her and its never returned. nothing feels good enough for her. she barely shows affection she gets mad at me for joking around. everyone around me makes me feel like my problems do not have any value. i try to talk to people about how I am suicidal and want to kill myself and i always get told to stop talking about it. i tried to kms last year and all of a sudden everyone cared and wanted to be there for me and hang out but like a week later it was back to the way it was before that. I am extremely miserable. all i can remember from my childhood is the stuff that happened to me. i still hear my dads voice in my head making fun of me when i would eat or i would randomly remember the daily beating. i just do not understand what is the point of life is everyday is going to be like this. there just so much to talk about because i never get to talk about it to anyone. sorry for the rant. i appreciate you if you read it all even if you do not respond. not sure,Depression +15409,i have thought about suicide many times and many times I have also just forgotten about it but with so many problems lately in my life I cannot seem to feel okay about anything anymore. My bf rather sleep in the hot car outside than talk things out with me. Everything is falling apart feeling very down about my relationship/life,Suicidal +15410,I cannot handle with anymore. Things are starting to align so I know it will be over soon Making arrangements for my death,Suicidal +15411,I used to give my 100% and then when I fuck shit over cuz I alr existed so much of my energy I would put in 0%. I am extreme when it comes into putting in effort. I learned that putting in 100% is tiring but at least still try. The thing is sometimes I feel so fucking tired and life just seems like an endless loop of failures because I am constantly being abused that I just do not want to try at all. Not because I exhausted up all my energy but because I feel too fucking tired to even try at all anymore. I wish It would end. I wish the pain could end. I wish I could be happy. Why do we even try,Depression +15412,"it is been over a year and a half.... I thought I was ok. it is been 3 weeks of just carring this weight of her gone. Everyone around me is relieved I am doing better, I just want my best friend back. I feel so incomplete. I wish I could remember her voice or what she looked like. I do not want to forget her. it is messing with my productivity at work, I am not sleeping, I just drone on. I do not know when the healing begins, I just keep pretending. I needed somewhere to say this. To admit it to myself. I cannot shake it.",Depression +15413,"We are all slaves to either our parents, society, language, religion or money - pick one. The only people that truly got a free ride were the people before us and that is why they brought these safeguards such as money/god/ whatever. Eventually, they will steal your heart by either drugging the shit out of you so you are just a number or a solider or force you to pick up smoking which feeds the greed or take drugs which also feeds the greed. Remember there is money to be made in the middle because it is towards infinity and beyond - the only freedom you have is the internet and that is it BUHAHAHAHAHAHA BUHAHAHAHAHAHHAScience or religion both are evil because then you associate yourself to some shitty social groups so then the establishment can run a story on you on how deeply flawed you are and how perfect they are either by killing you quickly or slowly eventually changing your gender so that they can turn you gay and rape the shit out of you until there is nothing left.do not come to Australia - it is auschwitz - the minute you are free, you are the product that will be raped to shits until there is nothing left so the sick perverts can jack off with their sick twisted fantasies and continue to feed it and then they turn to religion to justify their acts because it is based on a belief system. No wonder why they call this the lucky country - it is great if you want to retire here. Why freedom is an illusion",Depression +15414,"The thought to end my life constantly plays in the background of my mind. A part of me has made peace with the thought that that is probably going to be the way I die down the road; Ill get tired of fighting and finally just give in. Currently I live as an obligation to the people in my life that know me and care for me. A part of me knows that I should feel grateful to have people in my life that want me around, but I just feel guilt. I wish I cared about my life as much as they do. I feel bad for them for caring about me and getting attached. I just want to disappear I just want to disappear Tw: suicidal ideation",Suicidal +15415,"Prior to this extremely sick and twisted ""prank"" being pulled on me I was already struggling. I am not sure if I would go as far as to say depression, since depression is a very serious clinical term. I am writing this shortly after having everything revealed to me. A month ago my friend introduced me to his fiance's friend and set us up on a date. We started talking prior to the date and semmed to really hit it off. The date itself went great as well. Fast forward a month now and the girl is upset with me over something I said. It was a poor choice of words for sure, but it did not warrent a reaction as big as she gave, and this confused me. I got her flowers to try and make it up to her, but she said she still needed space. I obviously went along with her wishes, and that night she started to post pictures with another guy (obviously one that was close with her). I was hurt, but thought maybe it was just a misunderstanding and decided to ask her before jumping to a conclusion. Turns out this whole relationship, one which had us talking daily, going on dates during all of our free time, intimacy, and sharing of extremely intimate details, was a prank for her and my friend's fiance to pull on him. So yeah, before this I was not exactly an outgoing person. I was not a social outcast either, but now I have got to explain to the friends I introduced her to that I was being played and all for some game. Her response to all this was unforgiving of course, just confusion on why I would be hurt. I am at the lowest point ever",Suicidal +15416,"This question sounds real dumb to even myself as I type this on my phone but I just cannot even tell if I am suicidal or not anymore. I remember in middle school both thinking about and feeling like I wanted to die. I managed to live past middle school and now I am just left with only the thoughts of killing myself but not the same deep desire to kill myself. I am not sure if this makes sense but: while I do not want to die, I also do not really care if I am alive. I bet I am still mildly depressed, but I am happier these days. I am going to a therapist fairly regularly. I do not think I will hurt myself, but is this how I build up my desires to die again? I feel stupid for not even knowing how I feel anymore. Am I a suicide risk? How do I know if I am suicidal?",Depression +15417,Is it just me or do you just feel like your not there your just not ther. Your family can see you your most loved one cannot see you your emotions do not matter to anyone but when someone needs some guess who is there me I am there the next day I need help I am on the edge of killing my self who is there??? No one just me what is stopping me I do not know why cannot I cry? Why cannot I do anything right I am a fuck up. I bet all my friends are talking behind my back do I have friends? Am I all alone people might say their there but are they who knows. Salt and sugar are the same color how do I know who cares for me she thinks I am an idiot everyone thinks I am idiot people say they will miss me if I am dead but is that true its too much for me I am about to give up this might be goodbye who knows What am I?,Depression +15418,"For a while in my youth I had truly terrible depression but I was able to overcome it and one of the things that really sent me spiraling was the fear of growing up. I would always think about the fact that once I turned 18 I would be responsible for myself and I would have to know what the hell I was doing and that was just terrifying. As I said I was able to overcome it and was a perfectly happy little dude for about 2 years but a few days ago I turned 18 and since then I have been feeling just awful. I am scared. I am scared because all of the shot I was terrified of before is now true. My fear of having absolutely no idea where to go and what to do is here now. My fear that I am going to end up being a screw up bum is here now. The fear that everything I was told was not going to happen is now happening is here. I just want someone to come tell me that its going to be okay. I want someone to tell me that they have got a plan and I can help. I want something to chase after, something to want but I do not have it. As I lay here trying to go to sleep for my 7 A.M. but being unable to because I am too busy crying I have to wonder; without any friends to talk to and with a job that means nothing and without a desire to chase after is a life where I am branded as a failure for just not knowing where to go really worth living? I just turned 18",Depression +15419,I am ready for my day when it comes I have it planned out nothing going to change it now. Wish I could say anything has helped but not a thing Cutting is everyday again,Suicidal +15420,Going to be post progress on it Progress coming soon,Suicidal +15421,Its like I am really aware that my heart is beating. But like it hurts where my heart is and every time my heart beats it hurts a little bit more. It comes in waves like my heart beats. Its like anxiety.. like what you feel when you fall up the stairs in that split second and your entire body kind of drops for a second. It feels like that in my heart with the waves and heart beats constantly. Its like anxiety and sadness mixed. I hate it so much. I am going to try my best to explain the pain I am feel right now.,Depression +15422,"I literally have no friends, never had one in my whole life. My family is abusive. I have never ever felt loved in my whole life, not even for once. I can die today and no one will notice or care. I am no one. I lost interest in everything. I cannot leave my bed. I am always asleep. I have no job. I have no money. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no life. I have nothing. I do not know why I am still alive. I am totally by myself",Suicidal +15423,"A few days ago I had the realization that I do not want to die like ever. This thought has been keeping me up at night crying. It sucks that we all HAVE to die, and all I can think about is how nothing matters because were going to die and We cannot do anything about it. Then I think about how Its not fair because I did not ask to be born so why could not another human be born who can maybe accept dying better than me. Our whole lives were basically chosen for us. I mean who knows, maybe I am overthinking like this because its not really dying I am scared of but what is after? Or both? because when you die that is it.. what does it feel like to just have your body shut completely off forever? No more thoughts, no feelings, no more...life. I mean yeah none of us really know what happens after death, and some people think of reincarnation or other things as a coping mechanism. I used to think like that up until I really thought about it, I mean I am definitely open minded so that thought is definitely still there, but what if all the things that we think happen does not actually happen. I mean will we actually reincarnate? Even if we did the sun is going to explode eventually and take us with it right?why does dying have to be so hard to accept for me when I know its inevitable? let us talk about death",Depression +15424,took like a bunch of benadryl and my boyfriend made me throw it up but i cut myself pretty bad and if i wait until i go to treatment ag the hospital tomorrow it might be too late to stitch lol what do i do lol help,Suicidal +15425,and i tread a troubled trackmy odds are stackedill go back to black goodbye,Suicidal +15426,I am such a shitty selfish person. Even if I get better I cannot erase the hurt I have caused so what is the point? Living with constant guilt is eating me alive.Or maybe I am just really tired. I hope I feel better in the morning. Everyone in my life would genuinely be better off without me,Suicidal +15427,"it is like waking up one day and everything you have ever been told seems to be a lie. Not just anyone can be president. Not anyone can be rich, successful, loved, happy, or even content. From religion to schooling we were told that if we apply ourselves, circumstances do not matter. And it is the biggest lie I think I have believed. Overwhelming nihilism has been the fruit of my dilusions. I have been able to pull out happiness and be optimistic about the future, yet reality reminds me time and time again that trying your hardest does not always work. it is defeating to put so much into digging yourself out. However I will never give up.One day things will change and be different.It might not be the everything I needed, but different. For all those whose illusion has been shattered, the world may be ugly, but you alone have the power to play the cards you are dealt. Never fold, friends. I wish I was not raised on the belief that ""no matter your circumstance, you can be, and can do, anything in this life you set your mind to""",Depression +15428,"Whenever I ask people why I should not kill myself the first answer I always receive is: ""Because someone loves you. They will be sad when you are gone""Well what about me? What about my sadness? you are telling me that I am only supposed to stay alive for the benefit of someone else while I continue to stay here and suffer? When someone tells me why I should not do it",Suicidal +15429,I am severely ill physically and mentally and I am trying to get help but it is been a year and nothing is really working. In tje past year I have done residential inpatient php twice and iop and nothing really solves any of my problems. I am also seeing multiple medical doctors who are also not helping. I do not really want to die but how much longer am I supposed to keep living like this. everyone is full of advice and acronyms and thought challenging but I need some God damn bread and roses I am doing the responsible thing following my safety plan being open with my medical team and nothing is helping,Suicidal +15430,"I (17f) am going to kill myself soon after I get a tattoo with my sister. After I turn 18 me and my sister were going to get tattoos together. After that, I plan on finding nitrogen gas. You know how the rest goes Bye I guess",Suicidal +15431,Morning allI have suffered with anxeity and depression all my life I am 38 and had a breakdown at 18 and got put on 10mg of citalopram and have been on and off it ever since I suffer from social anxeity Anyways I have just come out of a 10 year relationship mutal decision but I have just moved into my own flat I have always had everything done for me the last few weeks I feel like I am loosing the plot I have 2 young kids who I see But I just keep crying and I want to sleep when I go into public I feel like I am.goimh to freeze I feel so on edge I live 40 miles from my parents I just need a hug I spoke to my doctor Friday and she says I have not been taking my 10mg properly which is true she has upped my intake to 20mg since Friday I keep waking up with the biggest panic attacks first thing on a morning I am.overthinkng stuff and feel like I am in a state of panic I am.still coming to work 6am starts in a warehouse but half of me wants to go on the sick other half says I need to push through and keep going till the tablets kick in I just want to feel like I did a few months ago.and I know its this period of my life which is making me feel like this But its so so hard I do not know if I am coming or going Please help Thanks Andy A bit of help please citalopram 20 mg,Depression +15432,"I am at the point in the summer break where for the past week I have been doing nothing but waiting to go to sleep. Every morning I will wake up at some absurd time, this morning it was 3 in the afternoon where other days it is 3 in the morning, and just waiting until I am tired enough to be able to close my eyes and go to sleep. I cannot go out and do anything; the bright sun hurts my eyes. For the past few days I have barely been able to be arsed to check my emails. My friends are either scattered around the world or working; I cannot get get any professors to take me on for research, any local tutoring companies to hire me without federal work-study that I do not qualify for and would genuinely rather swallow razor blades than be a waiter. I have been struggling to maintain focus and interest in the things that once captivated me for days, like math and writing. I think the only times I have been outside in the past month were to buy groceries and liquor.This happens every summer. The boredom, the lack of impetus to do anything, where the high point in my day is when it is over and closer to the end of summer. I do not feel happy or sad or angry or anything anymore; just hollow. I truly cannot fucking wait for school to start again. I really, truly hate the summer",Depression +15433,"I am completely shaken. This lady sounded SO insanely bored, I have talked to Internet-provider customer service workers with more pep and care. Was in the midst of a crisis, at a total loss. I could not think straight, struggling to talk through tears. It was like she did not even listen to what I was saying.I used precious vacation days and spent the last week off from work because of my mental health. Instead of taking steps to get better like I planned, I could not even get off the couch to brush my teeth or cook. I have to go back to work tomorrow and know I simply cannot do it, I cannot even get dressed. But I used up all my vacation days, and I DESPERATELY need money. For the last 5 months until July, I was paying two rents because I had to move early due to WFM protocol ending, and was just BARELY scraping by. I have a lot of medical debt, paying 200/month for past therapies. I cannot go to a doctor right now, I simply do not have the money. I already have a $500+ backlog of payments to make to my current therapist, who is been graciously patient while I get my finances in order.I told her all this, and she was like in this flat tone ""okay, what is your plan C?"" as if it was just the easiest thing I could come up with on the spot. And I was just, stunned in silence for a moment, and then just hung up.This just feeds as another sign that this world is horrible and life is not worth living. I look desperately for help, and cannot find any. The top result for google searches of ""depression hotline"" or ""mental health crisis hotline"" is all ads for things that look like scams. It feels so hopeless.I just needed to vent. I emailed my therapist asking for his guidance, so at least tomorrow I will have something to go on. Just called the Suicide Prevention Hotline, I am in absolute shock by how horrible it was",Suicidal +15434,"Maybe a long post, I do not care who reads this. I just have a lot of stuff I want to get off my chest. Or maybe I just want someone to listen, who knows lolAnyway as the title says, I am really convinced I will one day kill myself. Maybe not right now, but I am sure it will definitely happen. I have always had suicidal thoughts, I have even tried to attempt many times. So I know I have it in me to do it, I just do not know when, or what is stopping me. I am only 17 and I feel like I have so much going on. I have been put on an antidepressant early last month, and I have been going to therapy ever since, but I still feel so hopeless and so disgusted with myself. My self hate is sometimes unbearable, to the point I do not eat or ever take care of myself. I have lost so much weight over the past couple months it is scarring my familyI feel like the medicine I am on has helped me be more social around my family and in a better mood, (sorry if this sounds strange) but I kind of feel like I am better able to hide my feelings? Almost like I am wearing a mask around everyone. I still feel the same as I have always been, still hating myself, not eating, yknow the same stuff I have been doingI want to tell my therapist that I have been having suicidal thoughts recently (like a bunch), but I do not want to scare my family (I am a minor so I believe my therapist will tell my parents), or maybe even be sent somewhere. it is also gotten to the point where I have really vivid dreams about death, or killing myself and being happy about it. I have also have been struggling with self harm for the past months too, and I feel like I have been doing it more than usual. I have been doing it on my thigh so it is been easy to hide, but I have gone against my self rule of not doing it on my wrist. Everything is weird, the pain does not really bother me anymore. I will do anything to maybe hate myself less. I want to reach out about these problems to someone, but like I said earlier I am scared. I cannot imagine what will happen when my family finds out I have been self harming. Sometimes I even catch myself making plans to kill myself, thinking about how I would do it, when, the most painless and quickest way to do it. I have came to conclusion that hanging myself may be my best bet, but to do it at night. I know my family would miss me, and I would because great pain, but honestly I do not care what happens. As long as I am not here, as long as I am not me, I do not want to exist anymore. I hate it I hate everythingI swear I feel so horrible about everything, anything I do, sometimes I will have to catch myself because I feel I have embarrassed myself or that I am doing to much. I have not even really been doing my favorite things anymore, I have not even been listening to music which I used to everyday. I just sit and do nothing, I cannot bring myself to find the motivation to do anythingI also start school soon, like next month and this will be my second year at this new school. And also my final year of highschool. Honestly my junior year was horrible, my grades were falling, and I literally had no friends, when I tell you I would literally not open my mouth to talk to anyone I mean it. I feel weird about talking to people, I feel I am not worth anyone's time so why bother? I feel I really gave up that year, I did not try with outfits, I just wore a hoodie and jeans every single day. I cannot imagine how I will feel when I start again, I do not know if I can handle it again. But I guess yay it is my last year lolI also have some online friends, and I have been kind of distancing myself from them. Part of it is that I do not really feel like talking to anyone, and another part of it is because I feel super left out. Sometimes I catch myself getting upset or angry, even though I am not there? Maybe I am mad because I do not really get attention, I just wish people would care about me yknow? Sometimes I catch myself going out my way to get someone is attention, or like do something I know that my friends like? Idk what to call it, sometimes I feel so left out, but it is also my fault I guess I feel left out? Idk man, I have not even been talking to anyone at all, I just wish someone would reach out to me and ask how I am doing. But if I reach out to someone I feel like a huge bother, and my thoughts go racingIdk things right now are strange, I am about to enter adult life and I am scared as fuck, I cannot imagine being by myself or doing adult things. I cannot even imagine myself being successful at that, I feel like I am going to get no where if I am being honest with you I am convinced the way I will die will be me ending my life",Depression +15435,"I am so desperate for validation that all I do is talk and talk and talk about absolutely nothing! Then I realize I have been talking for too damn long and then I get embarrassed and hate myself even more. I hate it. Its exhausting to hate yourself all the time for even the stupidest things but I cannot imagine a world where I did not hate myself. I talk too much, I overshare, who the hell wants to listen to that?",Depression +15436,everything was better back in the day.. even technology was not so bad. It was a free for all until big tech started to censor every thing that does not support their narrative.. even technology was better.. The old days were better.. in almost every way.. this post millennia world is not so great.,Depression +15437,"Hi. How can I get myself motivated to work? I lost my job in December after working there for a year. Before that I had a job that I hated and got laid off from there too. I have never had a job/career I liked. they are all terrible even tho I think I am a good employee. I have awards to prove it. Ever since I got laid off (aside from having UI and medical issues), I have been doing ok. I have actually lost the weight I gained at my prev jobs. I just do not want to work, ever. I have had a few interviews that I have sabotaged because I cannot bear the thought of being miserable at my job and being more miserable by moving out of LA. I have an interview at 8am tomorrow for a job that I just got laid off from and I could care less about it. I have not prepped at all.I justcant. But I know sooner or later I need to do something. Not motivated to work",Depression +15438,"When I get depressed and filled with anxiety, i know I need to navigate life differently in order to survive it. When I get depressed ...",Depression +15439,So I went out drinking alone until I felt sick. Now I hate myself and want to die. I have an important thing at work tomorrow and I will never make it. I sure showed them. ahahaha *sobbing profusely* Somebody told me I was mentally weak today,Depression +15440,"Close to midnight rant. I have been strugling with intense feelings and thoughts of despair, hopelesness, hatred, bla bla bla... the good stuff. But I have also had a lot of time to reflect on life, on personal desires, on the state of the world and the kind of people that we ""should"" be.I think we can all agree that current societal norms and stereotypes put a lot of stress on everybody, and they expect to make us less empathetic, be it to friends, peers, the working class, your competition. You have to be a shark, the lone wolf, a champion. Empathy is, I am going to, the key to knowledge about all human-related stuff. If we loose empathy, we loose our connection to humanity.I read your posts: ""nobody listens to me"", ""i do not know who to talk to"", ""fuck this"". Its inmensely relatable and they bear a pattern: a lot of people seek answers in others. Advice, love, a bit of empathy. While these are essential elements in the daily lives of humans, i believe they cannot solve, maybe not even individually begin the process of healing we need. In my experience, advice from my family is quite nice to have, but it becomes meaningless in a matter of hours. Love? It feels fake, not earned, like a convenient lie to ignore the abyss. If stuff like this works for you, that is fantastic! Make it worth your while! But perhaps it is not your case; it just wears out, it does not make you feel better. We need something more personal.there is something in each and every human that is fundamentally unique, confused and disturbed. And like moths we desperately seek some light to find out what is so complicated to understand and appreciate about ourselves. I have felt an inmense fear of never feeling truly comprehended, of not seeing myself completely in another persons eyes, of being more than myself. But such uniqueness cannot be decoded by others. That may be the only place where empathy will never exist, and that is... well, fine. We will never find the answer to what we must do or want solely trough foreign experiences and advice, we must partially rely on what makes us US, memories and fantasies, past and future. Experience. To comprehend and coexist with life, we have to participate in it.Of course, a lot of us hate the mere idea of self improvement or ""soul searching"". After all, we tell ourselves all the time that we are not worth such hassle. And perhaps its also not worth doing it for others. But from where do we take this idea of needing worth or some kind of permission to just think? Should that matter? Why not just say ""fuck it"" in the sense of not caring about what we think of ourselves, because almost nobody really cares? And the few that do already have our backs, either we like it or not!I am not telling you that you should just stop caring about everything, or stop being a coward about introspection, or go cry a river to someone expecting to find ""the answer"". After all, i started this talking about empathy. Hell you can counter-rant me all you want, if it just makes you feel a bit more relaxed. I do not know, i had a weird day and tomorrow i must hand over a lot of work. Just breathe, almost nobody cares, the few that do care will help you if they can, and in the end you just do not know what could happen. What if. I like uncertainty (altough i have terrible luck at UNO haha). Good night, get some rest. We are alone, and that is ok. Rant for the lost ones.",Suicidal +15441,"i have never been able to imagine what my life will be like in the future because I have always had this impending sort of doom looming over me. i have not made any actual plans/attempts but i always just assumed i would die soon. its really really hard because i would not say i want to die but also i do not not want to die. i truly never thought i would live past 17 but the years just keep coming by and i still have that feeling that i am not going to live much longer. I am on anti depressants but nothing seems to help, i really just do not know what to do. i did not think id live this long",Depression +15442,"My brother has been staying in my room for the past 2 1/2 months. He was supposed to stay for a week home from college and I have been sleeping in the living room. He leaves trash and dishes everywhere, my room smells terrible, my bathroom has mold because he does not hang up the bath mat and there is piss on the toilet seat.After he yelled at me tonight for standing up for my mom I text him that be needs to have his stuff out by the day after tomorrow. After I tell my mom what I did she starts crying saying this is not how she wants her kids treating each other.This is after an entire childhood of him abusing and yelling at me every day. And honestly? I deserve to be an asshole to him at least once. The ONE time I stand up for myself and I get ridiculed for it",Depression +15443,"I am frustrated with myself. I keep failing. I hate where I am right now in life cuz I am struggling so much and I am not happy. I do not know where I am headed. The changes I want to make in my life will not happen cuz every change I try to make, there is a wall I cannot get over.I am tired. I hate myself for not being good enough to the point I dream where I kill and hurt myself. I am scared it may come true one day. I thought I was doing better, but I suddenly relapsed yesterday. I did not even realize I gripped myself to hard with my nails and bled.I do not know where I am going with this. I think I am having a mental breakdown and I am trying to get my sh*t together but I am losing a grip of myself. I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I am so tired. Why cannot I just be like everyone else who can get their sh*t together? I get dreams where I kill myself and I am scared it may come true one day",Suicidal +15444,"I am in college part time and working part time. My job is miserable and I hate college but I do not think I could handle working minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life. I do not think I could handle working any job for the rest of my life. I hate the thought that I am going to work all my younger years away for a job that I probably will not enjoy just to survive. It makes me want to kill myself, this is not a world I want to live in. Once I get out of college, nothing is going to change. I am just going to have to work a full-time job and try to take care of my own house. I feel like I will not ever have free time. I do not really have any hobbies anymore since I spend all my time working, when not doing that I am cleaning the house. I do not understand how people can live this way I cannot stand the thought of having to work the rest of my life",Depression +15445,I am drunk enough I am 22 and my life is over I am in therapy and on meds and if that is not even enough to help me nothing is I am going to die alone and Ill never have a relationship I hope I do not wake up tomorrow I think tonight is the night I do it,Suicidal +15446,"Hey guys, I need advice on a situation that has plagued most of life. Let me explain, people do not like me in short and I do not know what to do. Let me tell you the entire story, and no I are not fishing for sympathy it is actually a problem I want to find a solution too. It began in elementary school the other kids did not like me. I am a tall person and so I was never physically bullied but the kids would form groups and ostracize me. They would talk behind my back and I barely had friends, most people rejected me. I still get haunting nightmares about it, disturbing moments that happened to me. For instance, soccer was big and all the guys played together, but when the teams were chosen, I was not even last pick. I would be standing there and everyone would get picked and they would start without any team choosing me. I would go back and forth trying to figure out which team I was on, everyday, and they would tell me go to the other team and the other team would say go to the other team. And if I stuck with just one team and played everyone would just start getting angry. Every guy in our grade would be playing soccer or some sport every day and I would get excluded. No one ever passed me the ball and slowly I got into the game playing as a goalie. I was a good one but people hated me.I am a smart guy, always have been even in elementary school and there were people like me too so intelligence could not be the problem. They hated me before that and we are talking about a grade of over 50 kids. I never said anything, I was like any other kid and it was not racial because we were all of the same race nor was it about how I looked or what I wore. I was always dressed well and hygienic. I started to get this idea that people thought I was boring, although I like having fun. I used to ask my parents why people did not like me and they could never answer me. Furthermore, I left elementary school behind, and went to a high school in a completely different area, so barely anyone from my elementary school went to my high school. It was a complete new start. But people did not like me, I was ostracized and excluded for no apparent reason and I try to blame myself but I cannot figure it out. Aside from school my home life is fine. My grades were amazing and still are and I am humble about them and never brag because no one is dumb. I am humble and other people like my Taekwondo instructor said that about me. But I am ignored. People did not like me in high school, so I just stuck to academics and going to the gym. At the end of the day I would lay in bed thinking why people do not like me. Again, I dressed well, I am nice according to others, respectful, stand up, and reliable and intelligent. You know I thought maybe two different pools of people would result in something different, but not only rejected by various different groups, but my own cousins reject me. They never invite me or do anything with me. We are of the same age, but they ignore me as well.I feel like a loser, I have hated myself for years and still do. All throughout elementary school and high school people talked behind my back and made fun of me, I have been used by people but I end up thinking you know maybe not this time. Even after I put my foot down no one likes me. Whatever I do I end up getting rejected. However, I managed to make a small group of friends who rarely every invite me anywhere. They post snaps and go out but rarely invite me. After years of this, I feel numb. I cannot feel the feeling of hollowness I once used to thinking about why they never invite me out. The memories they make will be there forever, but I am in the cold. I have stopped feeling things, I have laid in bet countless nights since elementary school (I am in university now) thinking about why people ignore me or forget me. My sister seems to have a great time making friends and being liked by my cousins and she is younger. It also goes without saying that I have never been a hit with the ladies, although I am constantly working on myself for years. Trying to learn interaction with people, and working on my body. I have never been too skinny or overweight so that cannot be the reason either. I am in post secondary but people do not interact. I am alone again. I have never went to a party or done anything. I am boring, ugly and a plain loser and that is not fishing but just what my mind has just gotten accustomed too. I do not know what course of action to take. I am lost, my only defining quality in my head is how smart I am academically. I still have traumatic flashbacks, things that trigger me like when someone calls me stupid, or a loser. My mind completely explodes, although I hide it, I have this rage in my when someone hits a trigger and I am a low tempered person. I rarely get angry but triggers set me off but again I hide it from people and just bottle everything up. Sometimes, I feel like I am going insane, my head fumes up and heats up and I start getting angry. I know its wrong but seeing other people who have done such bad things having a good life bothers me, it enrages me. I have done everything and even now, I am alone, bottled up in myself. I need advice, please. I have been struggling and need someone to give me some support",Depression +15447,"I have wanted to die for 20years now. Life has had its ups and downs. I was even happy for a few of those years. But even when I am happy, I always think to myself, was all this worth living? And the answer is always no...I kept myself alive believing I deserve this suffering, i got to deal with because I am being punished for being born and I am not allowed to end my punishment early or my next life or another person will have to deal with this suffering....But I am really close to giving up. Once my grandmother passes and I am not needed anymore I think it will be my end as well. I give up",Suicidal +15448,I cannot take it anymore I am killing myself why are they making me work so much as a minor I have no more days off.,Suicidal +15449,"Hi. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in January this year. I took antidepressants for like 3 months, but then stopped because I did not have it in me to be dilligent about it.At the same time, I started having a crush on a friend of the same major (online school, our cities are 400 km apart). We talk almost every day. Since then, I do not know if these are correlated or not, but I began feeling like I do not need my SSRI anymore.Nowadays, I do not really talk to him again and begin to feel the need of taking antidepressants again to function.Is this valid? Might there be any correlation at all between those two things? This is ridiculous but can having a crush be a substitution to antidepressants?",Depression +15450,"Hi, I am a 29 yrs old man, I am married with a wonderful woman and we have a little girl. The problem is that I feel depressed, I started with some ideas that maybe I am not good enough. I see my body on the mirror and I do not like it (Including sexual aspects), I think that I am not the best economic provider for my family, and all this get me to think that I am so immature and maybe my wife will be disappointed. I am scared that maybe she miss somebody else, maybe she thinks about somebody else from her past, some stuff like that. I have even compared myself in those ideas, even without having met anyone from her past, as stupid as it sounds. She has never say anything about that, nor has acting like that, never. She know some of this and try to support me. I never felt like this in the previous years, this started about three months ago and it is a hell that tortures me every day, since it causes me to think all the time about ideas, to think that there is something more, to overthink details than in they are not really like that.I am conscious that the problem is me, with this insecurity, with this ridiculous ideas, but I do not know how to deal with them. I know that I have to go to therapy, and I am actually looking for some therapist on my city, but I wish to know if there is a way to block all these ideas in day to day. I just want to stop all of this because I do not want it to scale on something else, I do not want to affect my marriage, and I want to be plenty for me and my loved ones. Insecurity issues",Depression +15451,Kind of pumping myself up. I left a note saying that if I end up a vegetable to please pull the plug. 12 hours to go,Suicidal +15452,"i cannot feel any sense of joy. i want to say i have not been happy since early 2017 when I was still 14. i try to do pleasurable things and \~accumulate positive experiences\~ like my fuckin dbt manual tells me to but nothing helps or offers a reprieve. i lie and put on a fake smile and tell people that I am having a good time but I am not genuine. i just do not want to be seen as an ungrateful rude bitch. whenever I am doing anything that is supposed to be ""pleasurable"" i would rather be lying in bed with all the lights off. because whatever it is it cannot make me happy, it does nothing but sap me of my emotional energy. i have a lovely girlfriend who is an absolute angel but i feel nothing when I am with her. even she does not make me happy and that makes me feel evil.it is midnight where i am and i am listening to Wham!'s Last Christmas and crying. i just need to accept that i am never going to be happy, and either learn to live with that or make my plan to sylvia plath-myself.:\^) life is suffering anhedonia has got me wanting to attempt (again)",Suicidal +15453,"This was 5 days ago now. He was not trying to be hurtful, it was the result of a direct question geared towards him. A year ago, he had shown interest in maybe us becoming more than friends, but it was pretty clear that he changed his mind about it quickly. He started treating me differently (talking down to me, being short, not controlling his temper) and I started really feeling shitty about myself. I have a lot of codIm 29 going on 30, and I have a lot of issues. I have no contact with my family (my dad died in a car accident, and my grandmother of cancer. Both within a month of eachother. The rest of my family are assholes), two of my closest friends stopped talking to me because of my mental health, I am paying for an apartment I cannot afford, and I graduated recently with a degree in art where tbh, I am mediocre at best. Right now, I am waiting tables and having to fake all of my emotions every fucking day and really sell that I care about someone is lunch taking too long. I feel like I cannot really make art, or even enjoy making art, because my depression has gotten so bad. Its been so hard to motivate, and I feel like a fucking loser. I am barely sleeping. I work, I go home, I lay on the couch till the sun goes down. At this point, I cannot even listen to music or watch tv anymore because the anxiety of feeling like a worthless pos kicks in, so most of the time I just lay here and do nothing. I am really self conscious about where I am, I feel stuck, and I do not know how to get out of the hole I am in.I drink alone now. I did not even drink until about two years ago. Honestly, I do not even really like alcohol that much, it just makes the time go by and makes me not want to eat. I am uncomfortable in my body and have always wanted to be skinny and pretty, and never have been either of those things.So I stupidly and drunkenly called him, and asked what it was exactly that made him change his mind about me. He basically validated everything that I have been feeling; that I have no drive, no motivation, and that I have just gotten comfortable. I do not know why I did it, but I told him I had to go, grabbed an xacto, and cut my leg. I had to call out of work for two days because the wound was not really healing, and I did not want to go to the hospital because I am uninsured and afraid of being put on a psychiatric hold. I already have so much fucking debt. I went to work today, but it was really hard and I was in a lot of pain.I do not know what to do with myself. I think things are getting worse, but I cannot afford the help I need, and I feel so fucking alone. My best friend told me what he really thinks about me over the phone. I was drunk and not in a great headspace. I hung up and self harmed.",Depression +15454,"First off I am not trans or anything, I was born a man.I am skinny, weak, unathletic, and have a very weak jawline. Pretty much everything that can be weak about a person besides height, I have it. My entire life I have been dominated, physically and/or socially and I am fucking tired of it. I dream about a life where I do not have to take shit because I could kick anyone ass. Looking back throughout my entire life, most of the big problems I had were more or less because of things I could not change. Even the short kids would give me shit because I was weaker than them and was not good socially.I know that the alpha/beta male thing is a myth, but goddamn do I feel beta in most things I do. Even if its fake it sums up pretty well what I have felt my entire life. Before anyone says go to the gym I do. And I do see improvements. But its disheartening seeing people who have never lifted lifting more than me during their first session. I just want to be good at a sport. I played basketball for 7 years and was still worse than all my friends who did not play. Being naturally athletic sucks. I wish I looked more like a man",Depression +15455,Still been cutting getting ready for my day and its been getting easier and easier which is harder and harder but wow this world is not worth it. No use for anything anymore. Used to be a kid who called me dad. cannot remember the last time someone even said my name now. Same old,Suicidal +15456,"The only people who truly understand, truly, are the ones who have been on the brink. who have dipped their toes in the unfamiliar water of death and had to fight themselves not to go back for more. The soldiers who are fighting every day to stay alive for other people, not for themselves. It is a critical, defining and monumental moment in a persons life: the actual choice whether to live or die. Most people make that choice every day without even thinking about it. They live with a careless contentment in everyday life, perhaps annoyance at the obstacles, the roadblocks that all get in our way from time to time. They have no idea what it feels like to open your eyes and feel an instant dread wash over you- clammy hands, pounding heart, sinking stomach. guilt so strong it takes your breath away and you have to remind yourself to take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Because you cannot bear the thought of sticking around for another day let alone a whole lifetime. I am 23, and it has taken everything in me to get to this point. I am at the prime of my life and I feel old and decrepid and so so tired. An exhaustion that is so all consuming, it forces me back into bed every time I try to dig my heels in stay out of it. I am a tired old dog who just wants to be put out of its misery. If you have never been suicidal, you cannot understand",Suicidal +15457,"I used the online suicide hotline chat and got off the chat, and like the idiot I am I forgot to turn on my VPN.A few hours later (midnight) 2 officers came knocking on my door and sure enough they traced my IP and got a hold of my address from their dispatch to do a welfare check. Luckily my suicidal thoughts died down enough to where they evaluated me as not in immediate danger, so I was not forced to go to the nearby hospital. Anyone have similar experiences where you kind of forget that they trace your IP and have police come to check on you? Police came to my apartment tonight",Suicidal +15458,"Once upon a time I was picked on and bullied as a kid. Abused by a step father also. After high school though things changed. I became popular, had a wide network of friends, lots of parties, lots of sex, I experienced so much in my early to mid 20s. But I got older and got more responsible. I made a lot of money and I became independent. But now I sit here pretty much alone. I thought I had a close knit group of friends but I do not hear from them anymore. I am lonely. Have been for several years now. I want to meet a woman, but none will give me the time of day. I want to make new friends but I have pretty bad social anxiety around new people. Idk what to do. I do not even know why I am posting this.. My life went in a direction that I want and do not want.",Depression +15459,- I was dead every fucking second of the day- I was good enough for them and for my own standards- I was able to do things normally without overthinking everything every 2 minutes- I was able to enjoy things in the moment without having the deep set fear ,Depression +15460,"I understand the whole it will get better and better times are ahead spiel. Hell, I have told my also-suicidal friends that same shit as a piss-poor attempt of trying to convince them not to do it. But the easy retort to that, at least for me, is that every good moment is followed by just a damn shitty existence. Every time, without fail. And every time, that good thing, that everyone says you should stick around for, was not fucking worth it.Okay, it will get better. But it sure as hell will not stay that way. Sure, it gets better, but then it goes right back to being fucking awful.",Suicidal +15461,"When I was 8 years old I told my mom I wanted to kill myself. A fucking 8 year old looked at her dead in the eyes while crying and saying, ""I do not understand what is wrong. I do not know why but I want to die."" and she did nothing and continues to do nothing. it is 9 years later and I cannot take it anymore, I cannot get professional help and the one time I did it was me texting the suicide hotline then just changing my mind because I felt stupid and guilty for bothering that poor woman. I wasted all the years I had to be free and be a kid and not have to worry about money on being sad and in a abusive relationship where I was raped almost daily. And my mom knows I was in that abusive relationship because the school counselor forced me to tell her and all she did was cry about how terrible of a mom she is then move on like it never happened. I am going to be an adult in a couple of months and I am not ready, I will not be able to handle it I know I will not and I do not want to suffer anymore. But hey I am probably just being a dramatic teenager and I will get better with time right? I do not actually want to kill myself I just say I do and never go through with it, and when tomorrow comes even though I will still want to kill myself I will not be any less of a coward. A pathetic stupid coward who will not even try, and if I do I will fail like before. I just want it to be over with. I cannot take it much longer. I have been struggling since I was 8 and I cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +15462,"I have fucked everything up and let it go on so long it is irreparable. I can barely handle day to day life as it is I cannot even imagine trying to fix things on top of it. there is absolutely nothing that brings me enough joy in this world to make up for all the stupid bullshit we have to put up with just to exist. Nothing I do ever ends up making a difference. Every attempt to improve myself has left me worse off than before. I tried to go to college, that just led to me getting bullied like a bad teen drama. I worked so fucking hard and went so far out of my comfort zone and my professors did not give a shit. None of them remember me, I cannot get any references and I have not gotten a job in over 2 years of looking. I just spent three years and $16000 in absolute misery.I tried to improve my relationship with my family. But everything I do they see through a negative lense. No matter what I do, they manage to spin it so that I come out selfish, spoiled and lazy. I tried to improve my figure by working out, but now I am just skinny in places I need fat, fat in places I need to be skinny, and have unfeminine muscle mass in random places. And surprise surprise, it did not shrink my massive ribcage or reduce my hipdips or help straighten my spine. I tried hair removal, now I have unsightly strawberry legs and the hair grows back funny. I started moisturizing and wearing sunscreen, but the damage is already done so it just leaves me looking like a greasy pig. I tried taking birth control to help cope with my period, but it made it worse. And when I went off it, my boobs shrunk. I was already barely an A cup. And losing what little volume I had in the front just accentuates my kyphosis. I have always been ugly but I look so much worse, you would think I would let myself go rather than finally start taking care of myself. I am embarrassed to run into people I used to know. And it is only going to get worse with age. I am so fucking anxious about ageing. Knowing how much uglier I have steadily become over just the past 5 years, I cannot imagine what 40+ more will do.I cannot be happy living alone. I have tried but it is just too easy to spiral when there is no one to distract you. And you feel so isolated. I know if I ever committed to living alone, I would just give up completely. I will not get any sleep, then I will be too anxious and apathetic to go to leave the house, so I will just lie in bed and stare at my phone, while leaving the house gets harder and harder, and I will end up starving to death. But a relationship is not an attainable goal for me. Straight men hate my guts. They pointedly ignore me at best. Even if someone is desperate enough to give me a shot, they will never like me. I am too repulsive and awkward and cringey and annoying. I have no prospects in life. I am pretty much just bumming around my parents house til they get sick of me and kick me out. I have no prospects for a career, relationship, independence, friendship, a happy life. Everything is too hard and complicated and I have too many regrets. I am just not cut out for life. It feels too late for everything",Suicidal +15463,"As someone who has struggled with depression for most of my life, I know its hard. I have been on both ends. I have been severely depressed and have also had people close to me be depressed. Because I know how isolating and difficult it is, I never hesitate to be there for someone. I am always willing to listen and to provide whatever kind of support they need. I do not care how late it is I do not care how depressed I am or how hard it might be to hear someone I care about talk about how horrible they feel. I am willing to do all of that, because I care. And I know what its like so I do not want anyone I care about to feel like they have to go through it alone. When it comes to me though, people cannot seem to do the same. I have been told its too hard for THEM to be there for me. And I understand. Its draining to be around someone who is always upset and its frustrating when you cannot fix it. I know because I feel all those things about myself too. But if you love and care for someone why would not you be willing to take on that pain with them? Other people I have talked to have told me they have had similar experiences with people either feeling too uncomfortable with watching them cry or too uncomfortable because they do not know what to say. i do not want anyone i care about to feel so drained by me. So I have learned to handle it mostly on my own. Its just hard. And I am tired. People say they will be there but then cannot actually be there. Not because they do not care but because its too hard for them to hear me out. One of the main reasons my ex and I broke up was because he could not handle being there for me emotionally. He was there a lot at the beginning but I think he got tired of hearing the same things over and over again (believe me I am tired of feeling the same things over and over again). He told me that he just does not like seeing me upset because it hurts him. Why is it that the conversation about someone being depressed turns to how hard it is for the people around them ? I am not saying it is not important but what about the person experiencing the depression ?? is not it harder for them ??? Because on top of how I already feel , I also always feel guilty and like a Burden on those around me. Even when it comes to suicide, people tell you that its selfish and your causing them pain...but if I am not strong enough to carry that burden and pain alone then what do i do? I am selfish if I burden you with my problems but I am selfish if I leave . Why is it so hard for people to sit with you in your pain? And why do not do they do it even if it is hard ?",Depression +15464,"Anyone reliving past failures in your mind or feel really heartbroken the way life turned out? (Especially after waking up)It hits hard (almost unbearably) in the first 5 seconds of waking... it is like a unexplainable gigawatt jolt of sheer pain/anxiety/heartbreak/fear all at one time at the moment of waking. I can feel it physically in my chest and sometimes in my head (kind of hard to explain...not quite a headache but it is physical discomfort). Seconds later I get unfilterted replays of various painful past experiences in my mind. Each time I wake up, it is a different set of past experiences... different time periods of my past. Sometimes even a voice saying, 'And this is why you are now' in my head.it is like the few times I can shut out my brain from depressive thoughts is when I am asleep. I can have a dream of what I wanted to be my perfect past. Or have a nightmare of a past failure(s). Either way it is emotionally inciting to the point of euphoria. When I wake up...bam...my instinct is, 'dammit, I am waking up and facing the reality of my life, not this crap again.'Then for 10 mins after waking, I have to calm myself from the emotion. Sometimes I reflect on the dream and meditate my way out of the disappointment that it is not reality...or I reflect on nightmare and what that negative past did to me. If I do not remember the dream, it still takes a bit of time to shake off the 'waking anxiety' (As I call it). Those replays mentioned.This happens almost everyday. The anxiety/depression drops a lot after about 15 to 20 mins, but not entirely...it resonates at varying levels thoughout the day when I am awake. Need help with morning depression.",Depression +15465,"I am not suicidal, i do not think. But I certainly do not feel like I have anymore fight in me.Life, over the past two years especially) has been a lot of rollercoaster ups and (mostly) downs to the point of I am just so tired of fighting for something I do not know if even want. I had to move out of my country, leaving my family, pets, and everything I knew behind because of some pretty serious health problems that were stopping me from working. could not afford food, let alone rent, had to move.My one ray of hope in any of the past two years was my significant other, for the sake of privacy Ill call them Bob Doe. they have been trying their best to help me with everything, but they also have an addiction to drugs and alcohol. they are never abusive (other than the lying) and I have given them more chances than I should and they just keep slipping. I know, I know, run away. But Id have no where to go and no way to get there if I left. Plus my passport has expired, and I just had sudden cardiac arrest in January. they are usually pretty good about staying on the right track, the drugs and alcohol are just a minor thing compared to all they do. I just know I cannot fix them when I cannot fix myself.The cat I had since I was little died in May, and I do not know how to deal with that either. The cat we adopted here is currently going through something as well. She had fleas, we got rid of them. Now she has bald patches on her head that just seem irritated. she is getting a cone tomorrow though, so fingers crossed that with her not being able scratch them she will heal just fine. My dad was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year as well. I have not been home (borders are closed) and my mom is basically stuck taking care of him by herself. I guess I would love to embrace death, in all honestly. I have died twice in the time I have been alive, what can one more do? I feel like the worst human in the world for all this complaining, but I am just so tired. Tired of not sleeping, tired of sleeping too much, tired of the heat, tired of fighting for something that does not even feel worth it anymore. I do not know why I am here",Suicidal +15466,"Quick history: Four months ago, my boyfriend of seven years cheated on me, lied to me and broke up with me when I found out. It put my depression on overdrive, especially when I felt completely alone and he was basically dating the girl he cheated on me with the next day. I blocked him on social media just because my depression could not handle seeing him look like I never mattered. I found a therapist and worked really hard on trying to get myself into a better space mentally and I finally felt like maybe my depression was under control. Today, I let my ex come over to get the last of his things. It was the first time I felt ready and the first time I would seen him since the break up. I was sure it would be fine. Then he slowly put his hands on my waist and I froze and he pulled me in and kissed me and I fucking let him. I stood there and let him kiss and grope me and I did not say anything. Then he took the rest of his stuff and left and now he is texting me and my depression is back at fucking 11. I just feel like such an idiot, like I have no self-respect and maybe the way he treats me is my fault. If I was not such a doormat maybe he would fuck off already and just let me try to live my life. I am sorry, I know so many people have much more serious issues, I am not going to try to kill myself over this or anything but I honestly have nobody to talk to and my next therapy appointment is not until Wed. I let my ex ruin 4 months of self-care",Depression +15467,Well my mom noticed my self harms today. I kept it secret for 11 months. I lied and said I got scratched by my friends cat but I am not sure if she believes me. I accidentally poked myself with a needle that I used on a patient today. I just need to contract a disease and die. Self harm scars,Suicidal +15468,"Its easy to say no, everyone does. I am hurting and have been for a long time. I do not have anything, anyone, any place to call home nor genuine happiness within myself. I am nothing and do not want to be here anymore. How do I leave and ensure the plan goes through? I just want to feel loved and want all of this pain to go away. Should I?",Depression +15469,I do not know what to do. I am 25 and in the worst relationship I can imagine. My only goal was to be happy but it has not worked that way. I feel unwanted. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel confused. I feel scared. I am do not know who or how to say this to anyone and I just do not know ); I am so fucking sad. 25 mI genuinely feel lost.,Suicidal +15470,She is all I can think of. She has completely consumed my thoughts. I cannot believe I lived so long without her. I do not want to live without her ever again. A good thing has finally come along and all I can think of is the sorrow Ill feel when she leaves,Suicidal +15471,"This might be downvoted to hell, but I truly do not care anymore. I also struggle with mental health, but probably suffers to a lesser extent.He has expressed multiple times he does not want to get help, despite me repeatedly asking him to. He always says self-deprecating shit like how worthless he is and how he has no friends, which hurts my feelings because am I not a friend? I do my best to be there for him but it. Is. EXHAUSTING.I met up with old classmates I have not seen in awhile, and I felt like a weight was lifted over my head. I did not have to worry about if I was triggering anyone with what I said. I did not have to listen to them hate on themselves. I realized a lot of times, conversations with my depressed friend sucked the fucking soul out of me.Yesterday I did not respond to his online messages because I wanted to keep this happy feeling a little longer. Today I woke up to him saying he wanted to k*ll himself and lamenting how hard it is to get the things necessary. I want to scream at him for being so fucking inconsiderate about how this might trigger me. All the nice feeling I was riding on just plummeted. Now I am stuck worrying about him and if hell make it till tomorrow. I wish I can tell him to find another person to lay his problems to. I wish I can tell him the things he says bums me out, to say the least. I wish I can tell him being around him makes me feel worse. But what kind of friend would I be?These things will probably hurt his feelings, and maybe drive him over the edge, which I would never ever want to do. But I am just so sick of it. So sick and tired. I am sick of my depressed and suicidal friend",Suicidal +15472,"Recently I have been seeing a lot of videos of couples being happy together and being by each others side, and I am tired of being by myself, the only problem is that whenever i think about wanting a relationship, whether with a man or a women, my brain automatically says ""you do not need a relationship, they will only get in your way, what if they hurt you? What if they cheat? What if they falsely accuse you of rape?"" And I am starting to get sick of it. I cannot stand being alone",Depression +15473,"I tried for years trying to turn myself into something I am not and now I wasted about 3-4 years of my life. I verbally abused someone I cared about all because I wanted her to be in the light while I get swallowed in darkness. I lost her forever and could not properly communicate that I wanted to be away from her for her own good. I want to turn myself in to the police for abusing and harassing someone but would prefer suicide. I also want to die for abandoning myself and everyone that knew me. I will probably put an end to myself after Isshiki's revival and death in the Boruto anime, though I probably will not last that long. Regrets",Suicidal +15474,Every day I lose energy to care about life or living at all. I do not want to do it anymore. I am exhausted. Nothing is fun. I never look forward to anything. I do not know if id ever hurt myself but I am hoping that i die in my sleep so i do not have to. Up until recently i still had energy to hide it but not anymore. I can barely hold tears in at work and just use being tired as my excuse. I have no goals or accomplishments and i cannot make myself do anything. I am tired of suffering Tired of living,Depression +15475,"I think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. More beautiful than a gentle rain during a gloomy fall night. More beautiful than a glistening sunflower in the heat of summer. But I messed everything up, she was the only thing that brought a glimpse of happiness and light to my world. My life was dark until I met her. Now all hope is lost and I just want to die. I do not deserve someone like her. I am too much of a lost because. Now all I hope for is for her to be happy. I cannot handle the cruelly of this world. I am a loser and that is all I will ever be. Fucked up my whole life and not good enough to be with the girl I love.",Suicidal +15476,I wish this was not happening My life is just falling apart,Depression +15477,"I cannot live like this anymore. Random painful memories pop into my brain throughout the day. I just want to forget. I just want to forget everything, all of the trauma I just want to forget it all",Suicidal +15478,i decided i would jump off the roof of my apartment building. mainly because its the easiest to do. cyall in the afterlife it ends tomorrow,Suicidal +15479,they are right there. in front of me. i know i just need to stop being a pussy and take them. but idk what will happen and that scares me. ugh,Suicidal +15480,"Why am I like this? I do not know. Do you? I do not know how I even made it this far in life when i hate living every single second of it. I just wish it would end, my suffering the pain. I just need it to stop. I tell myself your fine! Just shake it off. Its just a phase but is it though? Why am I like this?",Depression +15481,Because I do not know what to do. What do you do when you feel like the world is caving in?,Depression +15482,"I have an auora about be me that just exudes a shitty horrible person. To top it off I am s big loser with zero positive attributes. I am at best mediocre with the few skills I have. I do not contribute anything to society or my friends. My family and kids would not even blink I disappeared. I tell my wife these things and ongoing examples of me getting ignored or walked allover and she really just says oh you are having a good day. There is literally no one that wants to be around me. Well that is me, a piece of shit. Just sharing and not wanting any feedback or reasons why I am not. I am a loser, I really am a garbage individual.",Depression +15483,"I do not want to be exist or have consciousness. Everyday I think about not existing anymore, or never existing in the first place.Why cannot I opt out? And even when I tried, I failed. Am I just the butt of some of a twisted joke? I am so tired. What did I even do, to deserve consciousness and existence?",Suicidal +15484,"I miss when I was little...life was so easy and happiness was so easy to achieve.Now I am older and pretending to be happy just so everyone can get off my back. I feel like nthn I do matters I have failed and I tell myself come on let us go that is have motivation and confidence but then the negative thoughts come over and say no ur good where ur at and pull me back. No matter how much you starve myself you will never be skinny enough until ur just bone, no matter how hard you try you will never be pretty, no one will ever love me you, you will be all alone, they will just make fun of you, you will embarrass urself so just stop, they leave you for someone better, they hate you, ur all alone, everyone will hurt you, everyone thinks ur annoying, you hurt everyone you meet, you will not be good enough, ur too sensitive, just talk to them wimp, they r looking at you and judging you, you r bad at everything you do, you will not be successful, ur a failure, you think to much, you have to much problems, you cry to much, ur a fking loser, you ruin everything, ur better off goneI try to help other ppl and I tell them ""it is ok"" ""everything is going to be alright"" but I cannot help but to think I am giving them false hope... I try to tell myself that but nthn ever gets better I cannot help other ppl when I cannot even help myselfI feel alone... I feel like I cannot tell anyone this bcz they will not know what to say...i cannot tell my parents bcz they will say it is all in my head... I cannot tell my siblings bcz they will tell my parents... I do not want to put my problems on anyone else bcz everyone is trying their best to be happy it is just me and idk how much I cannot take until I try again and this time i will be successful.I am scared I hate myself",Suicidal +15485,"I just cannot take it anymore, I have no one to talk to, I am a disappointment to my dad, a punching bag to my sister, a disgusting piece of shit to my brother, and a selfish narcissist to my mom, for the longest time I thought that they were wrong, but what if their not? what if I really am that sorry excuse for a human? I already know I am stupid, and at this point I am not even sure if my friends like me at all, the other day they went on a five minute tirade about how unfunny and annoying I am, What makes it worse is that I actually try to be a good person, and even with my best efforts I am still a piece of shit. I do not even know why I am here, maybe I am just begging for attention, I do not know, I am too much of a coward to actually go through with anything bigger than cutting, I have considered just driving away, but I cannot just make myself do it. I have held the pills in my hand but I just cannot bring them to my mouth. I do not even know why I bother, when I end up as a piece of shit anyways",Suicidal +15486,Makes me want to blow my brains or slit my wrists until everything turns black. A lot of bullshit happened recently.,Suicidal +15487,"that is it. I feel stuck. Nothing of value is lost if I die. But what happens after death? Can I finally be free of pain? Can I roam the earth again? What if I do not die? What if I am sent to another timeline where I survive because you cannot die? How am I experiencing life right now, what the fuck is going on?In best case scenario, I am a ghost. Even if I still feel emotional pain, I am free from people directly hurting me. And can heal. Life is so beautiful and yet I am stuck dealing with toxic people taking their pain out on me since my existence. Hell, apparently my biological father broke my mom's ribs while I was in her stomach and that is why I have Moebius Syndrome, the best science-based guess on why anyways. What irony. The only thing keeping me alive is the uncertainty of death itself.",Suicidal +15488,What animal other than a cat or dog might give me the will to live?I like animals that are soft and snuggly. cannot get dog or cat bc I am in grad school and about to do rotations soon. I want a pet.,Depression +15489,"there is no point to this but I just need to vent I used to be fun, funny, flirty, and kind of cocky even. Women loved me. Almost any date I went on women were telling me to spend the night after just a few hours. That was before I lost my career/friends/dreams/passion for life/motivation I met 4 different girls off tinder this month. Every single one told me they were not interested. No sex. No kiss. No romantic interest at all. And I do not blame them. I am not me anymore. I never thought I could ever miss myself but I do. I miss the old me. My whole personality is different I have no idea who I am Its making me undatable/unfuckable",Depression +15490,"i think I am suicidal again. I have been self harming again, not too much yet, relapsed yesterday and i keep thinking about it. maybe I have done it 3-4 times yesterday and today combined.I feel weird.I am scared i keep thinking of hurting people when i do not want to. But its weird. The only people who id be kind of ok killing are bad criminals like rapists, of course i not going to kill anybody but i do not want to feel ok with the thought or want to. Maybe I am not ok with the thought, i cannot tell how i feel anymore other than its not happyMy heads all messed up right now, but i cannot die even if i really want to. I have too many animals who need me, and my friends would.. i do not want to put them through thatLife is chains and its impossible to get out right now thinking about it",Suicidal +15491,"Even though I am not happy, still it keeps me going. I am always at a win if I am not dead",Depression +15492,"I am feeling like shit right now. These past 2 days I have not gotten the sleep I usually get and I am feeling low emotionally. Flat. I go to the gym in the mornings during weekdays, and honestly idk if I should go to the gym tomorrow morning or just sleep in. Now that I ask it seems kind of lame but I am too tired to think. Gym or sleep to improve my depression?",Depression +15493,"You only care about the whores on this website begging for stupid fuckers to bang them, I have done nothing but ask for help and get overlooked fuck you all None of you care",Suicidal +15494,Why do not you care about me Please just care,Suicidal +15495,"I (29F) went no contact with my abusive family over 4 years back after finding out about personality disorders and finally understanding they will never not try to hurt me and that so many of my issues stem from being severely abused all my life. The process of my freedom got super messy, eventually I had to leave everything behind and relocate to another country with one suitcase. I finally started feeling better and taking care of myself, even though i had very bad anxiety for being stalked by them. After 2 years, when i was already back in my country, they found me with the help of a private investigator and a lot of flying monkeys and that is when everything went to s*** again. They had me kicked out of my apartment, lose my furniture, steal my car, because legal troubles with my company and in my private life etc. I had already lost all my friends and everybody i knew the first time i left them because they contacted all of them and started smear campaigns against me. First i was playing along as i knew that was the best thing i could do atm but then as soon as i had the chance i moved abroad again, just to be away from them. This was about 2 years ago. I am from a small country and whenever i have to go back i feel extremely uneasy as the memories of being followed, stalked, reported on and investigated still live within me. I do not think i can ever go back while they are still alive. They are simply too invested in my abuse and they unfortunately have the resources to because troubles for me. They would never leave me be without trying to hurt me, control me, make me go crazy. I have been trying to find my place abroad eversince i relocated, but that initial strength and power i felt after breaking free is gone. Now I am just tired. I do not know how to mentally process the fact that against all odds i successfully identified and left narcissistic abuse (i was subject to it all my life, hella brainwashed) then managed to self improve, get better and finally take care of myself on my own for the first time in my life, just to have it all ripped away from me because of some shady private investigator and a couple other people helping them destroy my life in exchange for some money. I feel like that was my only chance and I cannot replicate it anymore. My depression, along with my physical health issues are getting worse and i very often have intrusive thoughts about suicide. I feel like I am not strong enough to go back to normal or to start everything from the beginning again. I feel like all the energy i had left was sucked out of me the second time I had to lose it all. Now I am just passing time basically, i clearly have not recovered as well as i initially thought i had, every day depression takes a toll on me and even though i do not live in direct abuse anymore, i feel hopeless and unable to live a full, normal life ever again. All i want is to move on but i think i broke and I am not capable of doing that anymore. Feeling stuck",Depression +15496,"Hey all (long post warning),Let me provide you with some background information on myself. I am a 20 year old male who has struggled with depression since I was 12 years old (diagnosed at 17). I found myself coping with alcohol and marijuana come my late teens and as a result it pushed me into an even deeper depressive state as well as a severe dissociative state. I feel completely detached from not only reality, but also who I was before. I truly have not felt like myself in over 2 years.I could write a novel on here detailing everything that led up until now but the important factors I have mentioned above; I abused substances which led me down a dark path of feeling numb, emotionless, and empty. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, but the past 1-2 years have been different. I can honestly say I have not felt a shred of real emotion since before 2020. I do not feel sad, I cannot cry, I do not feel happy I rarely laugh, and excitement... non existent. Its gotten to the point where this feels like the new normal I do not even remember what is its like to feel genuinely happy or feel motivated and excited to do something. On top of that I do not even feel sad anymore and as much as I may want and even try I cannot cry. I am just numb in every sense of the word I think the point of this post is to ask if anyone has felt or feels the same and what I can do to start on the right track to feel again. I have been on 150mg Zoloft for 2 years and I feel no better if not worse. I quit weed completely but still drink here and there though not as frequently.My life has felt on pause and I have felt blank and stagnant for so long. Is this my new normal? I have not felt a single emotion in over 2 years",Depression +15497,"What keeps you guys going? Whenever I stop for a minute and think about my life, I cannot think of a single reason to keep living. I have no purpose. I am always unhappy. it is not that I am living a terrible life. I just do not understand why I am here. what is the point?",Depression +15498,"I feel lonely, like nobody cares, everyone is just lying to me telling me that they do. People have done that to me before. I had friends in my past who I thought were my friends, they called me asked me to hang out. They just basically laughed at me, the things I said, the things I do, made fun of the girl I was with at the time. Then one of them told me later. They just called you because they wanted to make fun of you, but do not tell them I told you, I played it off like it did not matter. that is when I truly knew I cannot trust anybody. I am not meant to have anybody who I can be truly close too. that is when I decided to end my life, I failed of course, I cannot even do that. Sometimes I ignore my feelings, I hide, I do not go out, I pretend that they are not there. Then I figure there gone. As soon as I start to go out n have fun, it all comes back, everything. I do not know what to do. I am lost I cannot even put into words how I feel right now This is the reason why I cannot trust people",Depression +15499,"I have no friends. I spend all week working, only looking forward to when I can get home, smoke a joint, and go to bed. My ex is out there making friends and having adventures, meanwhile I just jerked off to a bikini picture she posted on instagram. I feel like such a loser I am such a fucking mess",Depression +15500,"having the strongest desire to kill myself but I am too sad and down to do everything that I said I would do before killing myself...packing up my stuff, writing all my notes, paying off all debt. so i know i cannot kill myself. but i also do not want to be hospitalized. that was a fucking nightmare and id rather be dead than be in the hospital again. feeling stuck and alone and this is the only place i can be honest with my feelings without getting assessed for suicide Feeling trapped",Suicidal +15501,I feel unbelievable stupid I fucked up again and it hurts I just want someone to tell me I am not so stupid Can someone help me a little bit,Depression +15502,"I am just going to lay down and let things happen, I am not going to hurt myself or anything, I am just giving up I give up",Suicidal +15503,"I do not know how to go about getting diagnosed and getting help. My parents do not think anything is wrong with me, they just say that I am having an attitude and that I need to drop it. But I have been feeling empty and unprovoked sadness for maybe about 4 years now. And I have recently realized in the past 2 years that is it is not normal to feel that way all the time. How do I move forward from here? I think I may have depression",Depression +15504,"Back when i still had a couple of friends left we used to hang out and have fun i sometimes had moments where i felt my depression creeping up on me and just become numb and depressed af for minutes and sometimes hours and what they used to say was I am like a ticking time bomb that i would stop being fun and become a joy kill.Nowadays my depression has gotten worse and i do not leave my room and bed for hours and hours just staring at the ceiling and listening to sad music my parents just say that I am not depressed and I am perfectly fine and that I am just a lazy attention seeking disappointment of a son.When i actually get out of the house its to go to random meaningless party to get drunk and high and have meaningless sex just to try and fill the emptiness that i feel inside meIm 16 and with with all the horrible shit I have done and seen in my life i have even become desensitized to the idea of death and sometimes i would just cross a road with cars coming at me fast to see if i survive or die.The worst part of everything is that i have hurt the only person that i still care about, I have hurt my bestfriend to the point where he does not want to be friends anymore and i know that i should not have slept with the girl he had a crush on especially knowing that i ruined any chance he had with her while knowing that he could have had a chance with her.I feel like a dick and an asshole for fucking up the only good part of my life which was my friendship with him.Tbh i do not even know the point in making this post knowing only 3 people will ever see and read this Depressed and lost",Depression +15505,i disappoint everyone i care about. no one needs me to be alive. no one wants me to be alive. by the time the morning comes i will be dead and gone and everyone will be happier without me ruining their lives and their mood. I am worthless. no one deserves to have to deal with me.if you are reading this i hope you have a good day or night. I am sorry to burden you with having to read my bullshit. this is it,Suicidal +15506,"I just do not have anyone else to talk to about this. I was truly deeply in love with her. We were together 5 years. I had a panic attack on her birthday and she said she just ""could not handle"" me on that day bc it was supposed to be a good say. After some long conversations and a lot of yelling I basically realized that I was seeing her feelings about me through rose colored glasses and she is always had a problem with me being the way I am no matter what day it was.I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed. I truly thought she loved me and was okay with who I am. I am trying not to take it personally. I just had so much hope. But me providing the stability she needed was all she truly wanted. I feel like it could have been anybody with my amount of patience. Feeling very low and alone Vent about ex",Depression +15507,you ever feel like you really really need to talk to someone but at the same time feel like you do not deserve to? or feel really embarrassed even thinking about it? its all in my fucking head confusion,Suicidal +15508,"I just got out of a relationship about a month ago. I am still struggling to process it. I was so wrapped in him and everything he did and revolved my life around him so much to the point I would plan my future around him entirely- unhealthy I know. Anyways we broke up and we were planning on moving in together but obviously that is not happening. I am living by myself which is something I definitely do not want as I am struggling to find the motivation to do anything that may boost my mood- a lot of my motivation and validation is external I have realized, coming from others, especially my ex. Living by myself is terrifying, I am afraid Ill rot in bed and not do anything. God I am basically doing that now. My 3 roommates got a house of three bedrooms before shit hit the fan with my ex and seeing them together and me not with them I just feel so abandoned. I am not with my ex, I am not living with him, I am living alone, I am distant from my roommates. Not to mention that this weekend I had to deal with my landlord not fixing shit, my internet not working when hooking it up, and my tire needing replaced- all while trying to move shit and sleeping alone in my current apartment that is empty as my roommates have moved out already and I cannot sleep in my new one because I need the fucking thing to be fixed!!!! Everything is driving me up the wall and ALL OF IT I do not want. Like none of it. I am in this shitty situation with these shitty mishaps that I have to deal with even though I hate it all. God its tough and I know it will be tough for awhile I just cannot not think about how I wanted none of this but I am seemingly forced into it. Everything that is happening is stuff I do not want",Depression +15509,Can anybody hear me? It feels like everything I write here goes to the abyss. It all feels meaningless. Maybe its because my problems are just to complicated and nobody knows what to say. Well I do not know what to do. Help me. I just want people to hear me. I do not want to feel so alone. Can you hear me?,Depression +15510,"Does anyone know a fast a pai less way to go out?I am done, I cannot take it anymore, I just want and end that does not make me feel pain and does not give me time to regret, so please, anyone that is reading this, just show me the way Quick end",Suicidal +15511,"I cry every day. I talk about killing myself often. I self harm and show people. I tell my therapist about it. I write suicide notes and show people. I tried to do a thing and my partner grabbed the apparatus and asked are you done yet? I let my body weight try to do the job, but he never dropped the apparatus. Of course, I eventually chickened out first. I say, I cannot even pack my clothes myself, I am too ashamed. He says, Just let me know if you need me to pack your clothes for you and take you and I will. *Did I not just say that?*My therapist said I believe in your ability to manage your emotions without going inpatient. I asked, Do you believe in my ability to not kill myself without going inpatient? You never said you wanted to kill yourself. *are not I saying it now?*How much louder do I have to get when I can barely breathe? Every time I scream for help and am not heard, I choke on more water and lose even more precious air. I am out of reserves now and I am drowning. I am past the point of helping myself I have been doing the work for years in therapy, groups, leaning on friends, and using my coping skills as best I can. I am exhausted yet no better off for it. If one (1) person at my funeral says they are shocked, it was so unexpected, they never knew, so help me God I will Lazarus myself long enough to drag them back to the pits of hell with me. They all know. *Are they waiting for it to happen?* Its coming, I can feel it. I told everyone and it did not matter. People actually do not care to help. Telling a suicidal person to ask for it is sending them on a wild goose chase.",Suicidal +15512,I just feel like nothing is fun or intriguing anymore. The stuff I used to like is now just a distraction to pass enough time so I can get so tired I just pass out. It really got worse after high school I no longer had school and friends and sports as a distraction. Now a couple of years after high school and it just seems to be consecutively getting worse. Losing more friends fewer things I find remotely enjoyable to will myself to do them. I cannot even will myself to go to a doctor. I am just stuck and do not know how to get going again. Nothing is fun,Depression +15513,"Who would sweep the gun from my hands, wrestle the knife away from my unyielding grip? Who would halt my leaving, who would prevent me from diving off the bridge downtown? Or, better yet, find me under the bridge, before I give my life away RHCP style? who is going to stop me from driving my car at literal breakneck speeds, until I finally hit something and total everything, my car, myself. Who would stop me from drifting down the expansive river, in the style of Ophelia? Who will swing me away from the Highway side, late at night when the drunkards are out to wreck and kill? Who will stop me? Who will save me? Who would stop me?",Suicidal +15514,2 years of depersonalization/derealisation and depression and suicidal thoughts. It has not gotten better and I now hate myself and I know I will not ever like myself again. I have become a robot. I cannot even talk or look any family members in the eyes. Friends do not understand the dpdr side. It hurts because I have only opened up to two people about it who are my friends and one said he thought he had it and it was not that bad and the other asked if I am imagining it all this going on and I have to decide my future now. I am going into college in a month and have to pick a job and all. Antidepressants not working and I have gotten fat and cannot even care. Only reason I live is because if I did not it would because my family pain and I am very grateful that my family loves me even though most of them do not love eachother but I do not even deserve their love. I hate myself for past mistakes and believe I do not ever deserve love or happiness but sometimes think death is an easy way out and think maybe living and suffering would be a better punishment for me. Idk life is so hard I just slept most of the day today. I have not even had the energy to socialize anymore. I never really had it but I forced myself to but now I cannot even do that. I think old friends think I am Just being rude and do not like them but its not even true. No one even takes me seriously anyway I am just a joke of the group who they think is so stupid because I just laugh and nod if it gets to awkward and can never say what I actually want to. Whatever though I really want to live a happy life and forgive myself but I know its impossible No relief,Depression +15515,"I want to die more than anything. Think about it 16 hours a day. Out of respect for my parents I feel like I cannot do it while their alive, but i just cannot stand existence and its really hard to wait. How do you cope with thoughts of wanting to kill yourself?",Depression +15516,"Hello,I do not know why, but I just thought I would share here, not that anything valuable ill come out of it, but I am just constantly bored.I mean, I barely have the will to get out of bed anymore. there is nothing good to watch on TV because everything is filled with social programming and propaganda. there is no good games to play anymore, mostly for the same reasons as TV. I barely even want to eat because I would rather not cook.My life is not great right now, but this feeling has been lurking in the background for almost 20 years...All kinds of people have suggested stuff to do, like take a walk, go here, go there, do this, do that... honestly I get bored just hearing their suggestions. it is like I have tried everything I wanted to try in life and now I am just left with the bitter aftertaste of living in a shitty world run by corrupt elites who just care about stealing as much of my money as they can and I no longer have the will to participate willingly in this garbage world.Anyone else feel the same? Perpetual boredom",Depression +15517,"Well life is a turbulent thing is not it. I do not even know why I am posting this.I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of my life because I know it will bore you to tears (and right now I am feeling a bit lazy). Long story short: got into my dream university found out even in a new city people are just as shitty and spiraled out of control. Stopped going to class and flunked everything.A year later I fought to get those grades of the record (which I did) then somehow the schools that gave me scholarships do not want anything to do with me. Found out that having a narccist parent basically messed up my brains development and explained a lot of things.I have had great grades at everything but math so I have been doing grade 12 functions. If it goes well I may get in and restart my academic career. If not well I gave life my all. So far it was going great in math til the trig test now my mark is in trouble and now also I am likely to flunk tomorrow too. I am just out of gas, starting feel like I am running low on energy. I swore to myself I will give it my all, maybe the lack of energy is my body is sending a message. I am not going to quit atleast not yet, I know if this does not work I am getting kicked out of my home (moms words not mine). So yeah it is kind of life and death lol. If this does not work I have got no other choice",Suicidal +15518,"I have been struggling with depression for 8 years now. I used to be worse, where I would cut myself and it even got to the point where I was ready to kill myself. I had the pills ready. (Sorry if reading about self-harm or suicide upsets anyone.) Anyways. I actually was able to lift myself out of everything for a while, I got a boyfriend and I am still with him, it is been nearly 3 years now. I have just started university and here I am again, I have been resisting the urge to drink myself blind, cut myself, or even kill myself. I have become a boring, negative loser. My 2 friends are worried about me, I can tell, but I am pushing them away. Why am I pushing them away? I have no idea. I am lashing out at them whenever they ask me if I am alright. I have even gone back to putting up fake happiness in front of my boyfriend so he does not suspect a thing. I do not think he will suspect a thing. Just last night we were talking and his replies were ""yeah"", ""okay"", ""mmm"". he is just a lazy replier but it does not help with my new wave, if that is what you can call it, of depression that is just hitting me. I asked him if I was boring him and he said sort of. Somehow I convinced myself that he was holding back on going nuts about how boring I am. Then I began to think, 'he must think I am extremely boring, my friends do too but they feel obligated to check on me since I am always checking on them.' I feel like such a damn burden, I have been crying myself to sleep. The moment my head hits the pillow, I finally feel relaxed. Even typing this I just have a disgusting lump in my throat that I cannot get rid of. I just do not know what to do. I do not open up to people when I have my own issues, but I am always ready to hear their issues. I only feel alright about putting this on reddit because I do not know you guys; and maybe some of you will understand how I feel? What should I do? it is getting worse everyday and I am scared I will resort to cutting again, or worse. Sorry btw, if this is all over the place. My mind is in shambles. I do not know what to do",Depression +15519,"Well life is a turbulent thing is not it. I do not even know why I am posting this.I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of my life because I know it will bore you to tears (and right now I am feeling a bit lazy). Long story short: got into my dream university found out even in a new city people are just as shitty and spiraled out of control. Stopped going to class and flunked everything.A year later I fought to get those grades of the record (which I did) then somehow the schools that gave me scholarships do not want anything to do with me. Found out that having a narccist parent basically messed up my brains development and explained a lot of things.I have had great grades at everything but math so I have been doing grade 12 functions. If it goes well I may get in and restart my academic career. If not well I gave life my all. So far it was going great in math til the trig test now my mark is in trouble and now also I am likely to flunk tomorrow too. I am just out of gas, starting feel like I am running low on energy. I swore to myself I will give it my all, maybe the lack of energy is my body is sending a message. I am not going to quit atleast not yet If this does not work out I have really got only choice",Suicidal +15520,"I find it funny how everyone always tells me that if I need hello I should reach out for it, then the minute to reach out for help I am ignored and no one actually wants to help. But Ill bend over backwards for my friends to help them out. That help is never returned and I am physically and mentally sick because of it. I Need help",Suicidal +15521,I am now taller than all my siblings (2 brothers) (1 sister) and my parents. And I am so depressed because now I am scared they will not joke around with me like they used to because I am growing up or that I am too old and idk why but it does not sit right with me and its making me so depressed. I wish I could just shrink and be a little kid again. Please help me someone,Depression +15522,"Hi everyone, I used to have depression but not any more since I have met my girlfriend but my girlfriend still have depression. she will have days where she laid down on bed all day and will not tell me what is wrong. I am in a situation with my physical health and I told her I need her to be strong for me and she said she will but because of her depression and anxiety, she tends to stress easily and goes into depression. Should I face the fact that she cannot be strong for me and give up? I have been trying to help her with all of my heart but it seems like it is all going to waste. What should I do? Depressed Girlfriend",Depression +15523,"I want to cry again. I feel my creativity leaving my body, and I am exhausted. I feel like a robot with no emotions. there is a big emptiness in my chest and I hate it. I want to get angry, I want to laugh until tears come out, I want to cry myself to sleep again, because atleast I felt something. Nothing makes me feel anything anymore. Being completely numb is worse than any intense emotions.",Depression +15524,"I realize I am in a level of depression where I am fine, until I start thinking. I have to be constantly distracted. Cohabitation (with certain people) and internet help, but I am so deep in it I have to push away the thoughts that are real. Thoughts of grief, thoughts of trauma, fear of the futures in which I am not sure if I will be able to afford to live. I do not have the money to get help or get back on my medications. Legally, I am homeless at the moment, which is something that unfortunately is not a new thought. I cannot help but feel like things will not get better, but worse. How can I succeed if I am depressed? How can I make money if I do not succeed? Why try to fight what time has shown me I cannot? Broke and depressed",Depression +15525,"So I love food, after a rough day eating even something I moderately like makes me feel better. Maybe not happy but better. As much as I enjoy food I noticed recently that I have not been eating as much and as a result I feel hungry often. In no way do I have an ED though, I eat enough to get by but not as much as I should. I also have an okay relationship with my body so its not that I want to get skinny or whatever. I think the idea here is that I do not think I deserve to eat. The feeling of content that comes when I eat something I love, I do not deserve it. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else feels this way? When I am in a depressed state I simply do not eat because I believe I do not deserve to. If that makes sense. If I am expecting anything from this post, its that I am not the only one that feels this way ig :( My relationship with food",Depression +15526,Its exhausting and just makes this hell I am stuck in worse. I am tired of feeling lonely and isolated.,Depression +15527,Anyone else having sex problems to make me feel less alone? Why am I dreading having sex? I just do not want to do it. It does not come naturally to me. It makes me feel so self-conscious about my body. I am a terrible girlfriend because I am always avoiding anything sexual. Sex and depression,Depression +15528,cannot.even vent i have a 20 million tons anchor weight Everyfhing is bad in all the ways it could be bad please read these words and feel it feel how tieed i am I am tired,Suicidal +15529,"How fucking stupid a statement that is. Wanting to be forgotten. And that is how I feel. should not I want to feel wanted? It gives me anxiety when they try to want me? When they try to talk and relate. When they touch me. That hurts the most when I do not feel the warmth. For so long they were caged by their pain, tormented by said pain. As most of you know it gets better. They eventually finagled themselves out of their internal prison and gained control of whatever animal or thing locked them in their. I am happy for them. But what about me? I had to watch as they suffered. I had to watch my mother hold a knife to her throat. I still remember how she looked, finished. As she sat there staring with nothingness in her eyes at the bleak yellow walls. She looked empty. All she had to do was pull and that was it. She would have bleed out on that floor as her husband and her son watched. It did not happen and she taken away the next day. Someone got rid of the knife she was using but I can still feel the graininess of the wood handle. I still feel the serrated edges on my neck as I try to understand what the fuck just happened. I wish I would have pulled that trigger when I was 13. I wish. I wish I could go back to that day and pull the trigger. I wish I could go out how I want. I have always loved the idea of dying violently. there is just something about crashing into a freeway divider going 126 mph. that is the fastest my car goes. Well, the fastest it went. I was going to do it that way. I had committed to that plan this Monday but never set an exact date but I know it was soon. This Thursday I totaled my car by driving into a street lamp. Oops. Now I cannot even fucking die how I want. I wish. I wish I could take all of your pain and anger away and die with it. Then forgotten. So no one can remember what they had to go through. I read all of your stories and fantasize that you all get the happiness and serenity you deserve. I know its not right to speak for others but I truly feel that having a calm mind is all of us want. I mean that is why this sub exist. I would die happy knowing I could take all that to the grave. But Id only release my pain on the ones who want me now. Why could not they have wanted me earlier. I am sorry if it seems I am ungrateful because some people are actually alone. Everyday that feeling of dread fills my stomach as it gets darker and darker. Lately my up hill battle is becoming a down hill stroll into the void. How fucking stupid am I? I want to be forgotten. If anyone wants to video chat or call or text. I like to go on long walks. Id love to hear you. I want to be forgotten.",Suicidal +15530,I am 17Long story short I have major depression but my mother will not allow me go to the doctor and even if I went I could not be able to buy antidepressants because I am 17.Is there a way to order them without a prescriptionThank you all A Problem,Depression +15531,"So I have been having a hard time sitting still, being alone, and having silence around me without having a panic attack or thinking about self-harm/suicide. it is almost everyday with these thoughts ever since I went to a mental institution(but that was because my best coping mechanism was ignoring my trauma but I cannot do that anymore...) I have all these coping mechanisms like fidget toys and journaling whatever really. You name it and I do it but they do not seem to really work. I still cannot stop thinking about all this self destructiveness and if coping mechanisms should work pretty fast than I really need some help or advice on controlling these thoughts regardless of them. How long does it take for coping mechanisms to work and how do you control negative thoughts?",Depression +15532,I have been thinking about committing suicide lately. I cannot communicate with people or keep friends. I constantly feel pain. I just do not feel like there is anything left for me. I have tried everything. I just want to feel joy and happiness for once without having bad thoughts in my head. I just do not want to be alive anymore I have been thinking about it,Suicidal +15533,"Idk anymore, I feel like shit every night, I feel like shit every morning, I feel like shut 24/7 I try and self improve everyday of my life but every day at the end of the day all the thoughts come creepin in and I feel more and more like a weak failure. Idk how much longer I can take those thoughts. It sounds cringy but it is true. I genuinely do not know what is going to happen to me. Idk anymore",Depression +15534,"I have had enough, I am going to fucking end it today. I have suffered enough and cannot take it anymore. Any last things to do? End it",Depression +15535,I am so upset and I hate myself I want to fucking die I feel worthless and nobody is awake to talk to me and I just want somebody to listen to me or talk to me or something I just want to pretend what I say is important to somebody even if just for a few minutes please Please can anybody talk to me??,Depression +15536,"I have such low self esteem I hate myself and I am stressed and depressed and tired all the time.My boyfriend is always angry and screaming at games or at work and that just makes me feel worse. I am afraid of him all the time even though he does not do anything to me or yell at me.Today somebody complemented my outfit at the grocery store and it felt really nice and I was so excited! I turned back around and started walking and accidentally hit my boyfriend in the ankle with the cart and he snapped at me in front of a few people and I apologized a million times but he was just cold and acted like I was not there while we were checking out and I just got so upset and I kept apologizing and I even told him he could yell at me if he wanted but all he said was "" I am not mad. Watch where you are going."" And the way he said it only upset me more and I feel worthless and like a piece of shit again.I felt good for maybe a solid 10 seconds before being reminded of what a useless sack of shit I am again that I cannot even walk without fucking something up. Why am I so upset over something so stupid?? If it were the other way around I rationally know it is not a big deal but since I am the one who did it I feel like it is the end of the fucking world and he hates me and I am a worthless piece of garbage. I feel like I do not even sldeserve to be around normal people Settles I wish he would just scream at me or hit me or do something so I can just be punished for being a shitty piece of ahit bitch girlfriend. I hate myself so much I do not deserve anything good, ever. I feel like I deserve to be punished any time I fuck up even a little and then maybe I will start fucking acting right. I deserve nothing good. The time iest things make me hate myself",Depression +15537,"my hopes are dying down really fast, nothings going well, I am not getting anywhere. I am trying to make more friends but I am desperately struggling, they either do not text back or start ghosting me. i started cutting again after a few weeks of being away, this time i do not know its not mainly to cope, more like giving myself pain for making others suffer. every time i make a mistake, fail to help someone, or anything bad in general i count them, and tally it onto my arms. i do not count the smallest of bad things because I am going to be tatted with marks all over my body and i want the pain for only things that are significant to me. here is a diary entry from 18th july 11:38pmtoday was a really shitty day, but i love her so fucking much. i fucking hate how i messed up so fucking bad that she lost feelings. i want to marry her i love her that much but cannot even give her anything to like me for anymore. ihope she finds someone that loves her more than me because i clearly fucking could not. i cut today, and ill cut again tomorrow for all the stupid shit I have done. i wish id fucking die and suffer the pain to see her either get back with him or get with someone better than me.goodnight end noteit may seem a dramatic as fuck but i do not know what to do anymore. I am not even attending my online school and i hate it so much that i have not seen my friends in so long. life is not okay.have a good day, cya life is not okay :):)$;&;8:&:$:&/,",Depression +15538,I would rather be dead.If I had a quick and easy way right now I would do it. I am so tired of feeling unsafe,Suicidal +15539,"I am okay. I am not a threat to myself or others. But every day just gets harder...Right now I am supporting myself and two other people, one of them my wife. My job requires me to help support a further six people, all cognitively delayed adults. I know that none of this matters, it is just my life.I live in a state where people value independence, traditional manliness, guns, and Donald Trump. I recognize that my experience does not fucking matter, I am just another deviant leftist. I am poor. Both my parents were teachers, so we did not start with much, but I managed to lose everything I had, and more. I have been homeless twice. Both times I clawed my way back from nothing. I recognize that I do not know shit about shit and I need to shut my fucking mouth and listen to my betters. I am so fucking tired. I know I do not matter, but I keep trying anyway. I am stupid like that. Barely holding together",Depression +15540,"cannot believe these words are even escaping my fingers right now. But yeah, an ethical emotional vasectomy needs to be a thing. Well here we are.",Suicidal +15541,"We both have considered doing it. We both share the same mentality. He was just escorted to the hospital and he is fine now. Everyone is saying that thank god he made it. do not get me wrong but, i do not know how i feel. I honestly whole heartedly get him. I understand him and i think that if he did die then he would have found peace at least. that is why i am not talking or saying anything. I hate humanity and life. Its just so fucked up. And when i first heard about him. I hoped that i get the courage soon to do it. Its just a lot. Everything is a lot. And one day it will just be too much to handle. Maybe that day still did not occur to me. But it did to him. And i am just losing hope. The only thing that is stopping me that our mutual friends are having a hard time now because we are like family so it will be a lot if i did anything now. My friend just tried to commit suicide",Suicidal +15542,"RantSometimes when i get even more depressed than i already am think to myself ""suicides is an option"" it gives me alittle relief to know that even if i will not or do go through with it. it is always on the table. Yes i have family but mostly narcissist. I get tired everyday. Sometimes i think sooner or later ill end it but why cannot it be painless? Sorry just babbling. ""Suicide is an option????""",Suicidal +15543,Just tired of life. I am so ugly. Please do not invalidate by saying no one is ugly and there is someone for everyone. I am so boring and depressed and lonely and dumb. God fuckjng dammit I tried so much yet end up nowhere every fucking time Really hurt and want to die,Depression +15544,"I have heard of stories of those who are grateful to be alive, and only truly realized it mid-way through an attempt. Thankfully, for them, they survived. And continued to live life. Personally I did not have that change in perspective. I still feel the same prior to my last attempt. I am not angry, frustrated, or sad. I did not come from a silver spoon, but my life is not all that bad. I just genuinely do not want to live. I guess I just do not appreciate life. To those who have attempted on, did you regret living or were grateful to have survived? Did you regret surviving an attempt?",Suicidal +15545,"TW. suicide, death Unintentionally. Backstory, I have been on SSRIs for almost 2 years and never skipped a dose. Yesterday however was the first time. I was feeling relatively normal that morning, but as I went out with friends in the afternoon, I remember feeling... a bit glum. I totally forgot I have not taken my meds, so I thought it was just one of those off days. All I can think of that time when I was with them, however, was I felt out of place. My friends were not even talking to me that I felt even more miserable. Granted that anyone would feel the same, I chalked it up to me being timid and not engaging in the conversation. But on that afternoon, I just felt like I was intruding on a somewhat closed space that I was not allowed in. My laughter felt forced and I was not enjoying myself. I almost wanted to cry that my best friend was a little awkward around me that I knew something was wrong and it was because me. I felt like I was a defective pos and that I deserve what I am feeling because I am sick and I am never getting better. I cried that night and thought of committing suicide again. I had tons of suicidal thoughts when my dog got sick and died (I cannot handle grief very much) and it has been 3 months since then. Last night was so downright depressing, I felt like someone died in my family again. I live alone and I cannot trust myself to make decisions when I am horribly depressed, so I decided to go to sleep to maybe cleanse the feelings away. This morning, my family called and asked me what I was doing. They asked if I took my meds. I counted the ones that were left, and knew right then: yesterday, I did not. I got scolded for a while, but it was okay. I took my meds then and placebo or not, I feel a lot better. But still, I kind of realize that I might forever be on SSRIs. A day of not being on it just does things to my brain that I cannot explain. TLDR. Skipped my meds accidentally, got too depressed I wanted to commit suicide. Reminded to take them the next day, felt better (placebo or not, who knows). do not skip your meds, kids. I skipped a dose of antidepressants and it was horrible.",Depression +15546,"I am, useless.I am, selfish.I am embarrassed because I cannot control my emotions and it annoys the people around me. I just want to be a normal functioning person, I want meds for my depression and I want people to believe me when I say I am not feeling okay.I am tired of not being taken seriously, and sometimes I want to attempt suicide so people understand that their words hurt, I just want the pain to stop.I want to be loved without the other person wanting me to be flawless, I want to exist and co-exist without worrying about if what I say is offensive or stupid or annoying.I want to die so the pain stops, I want it gone. I want the nagging thoughts about my body to stop, I want to be a normal boy, I want to be skin and bones, I want to be so thin that my hands fit around my ankles and my ribs jut out, i want to be happy with myself.I want you to love me without me sending pictures or being upbeat, or cute or bratty. I want you to understand that its not me when I throw tantrums as you call them. I do not want to be annoying anymore, I do not want sex, I do not want to be taken advantage of. I just want to be loved. Ignore this, I just want to get it all out.",Suicidal +15547,I have already accepted that depression will eventually be the end of me. Not today or tomorrow but I know one day I will not be able to take all the pain anymore. I just cannot go on forever living in a body I was not made for I know my fate,Depression +15548,"Or my souvenirs are wrong, idk, this feeling is so weird, is this depersonalisation? that is my best bet. Why do I feel like this? I am thinking about my past and some of my memories do not match at all ""real life"", like, some faces and names are totally tied together in my head but in reality they are not. either someone is messing with me or iam going crazy I feel like my whole life has been faked.",Depression +15549,"Will try to keep this as concise as possible.Parents split when I was young, mother met someone else. By age 13 I had been booted out of the house, came home to find all my clothes in bags outside.Was in hostels until 18 then I got a place. Depression and anxiety from age 17.Met someone at 21, had a child at 22. Was probably at my happiest here.We broke up after 3 years mainly due to my mental health.A month later my best friend killed himself.I think I have what is called survivors guilt, even to this day, particularly because he was trying to call me at 6am the day I worked out he did it.I am in my 30s now, I have barely ever worked due to mental health, I have not had a serious relationship since. I have spent the majority of this time sitting alone. I have tried dating to no avail.I never went to college to further my education.I am essentially a total f up.I do not know what to do with my life.I think about ending it daily.I have friends. I exercise. I eat fairly well.Family are non existant. Have not spoke to mother or her side of family for over a decade.I am not sure I can do another 5 years doing what i have been doing.How do i fix my real issues in an increasingly fake worldMore importantly how do i not wake up wanting to die.When I was a child I had dreams. Now i feel like a shadow of nothing. The cloud in my head looms, whispering, kill yourself. When does it f'n end. Will everything be ok?",Depression +15550,"Some people legitimately only show you love and concern when they suspect that you are suicidal, as soon as they realize that you are not they go straight back to being apathetic again.I hate this so fucking much. Seriously. Either you care about me or you do not. Pick one I hate how some people only care about you when they think you are suicidal",Suicidal +15551,"I have tried so hard to get better, but it feels like every year of my life is just a downward spiral towards suicide.I cannot keep friends, I cannot work, I cannot go to school, I cannot do anything. I have spent the last three years in and out of therapy programs, but despite everything I have only gotten worse.Last month I was kicked out of the DBT program I was in, left alone with no support after an attempt. Now I am stuck waiting for residential treatment, but I really cannot see the point anymore. None of the therapy I have been through, DBT, CBT, or otherwise, has been able to help me cope. Nothing has been able to help me move past all the abuse I have been through, nor has anything given me a reason to love.I really just do not know what to do anymore. I have tried everything I can, there only seems to be one option left. I want to give up. I want to give up.",Suicidal +15552,"I thought finding my job and avoiding being unemployed would help with my suicidal thoughts, but this job has made them so much fucking worse. I feel like I would rather fucking die tonight than work another week there I am so fucking anxious all the time and I fucking hate going to work every morning",Suicidal +15553,"Ich kann nicht mehr... Ich will nicht mehr...Ich kann weder richtig essen noch schlafen... Ich bin seit langem auf der Suche nach einem Weg mir das Leben zu nehmen ohne Schmerzen dabei zu haben. Ich wei dass es in der Schweiz fr gutes Geld mglich ist sich einschlfern zu lassen, allerdings bin ich nicht reich genug dafr.I am Internet findet man auer nett gemeinter Hilfe von Prventionsteams nichts darber wie man den ganzen schei am besten und schmerzfreisten ber die Bhne bringen kann.Kommentare wie zb: ""bade mit deinem Toaster"", ""Ritz dich"" oder ""Trink Rohrreiniger"" knnt ihr euch sparen da ich schmerzen mglichst vermeiden will.Ebenso knnt ihr Kommentare wie ""reden hilft"" weg lassen..Ich will nicht mehr reden ich will es beenden.I cannot anymore ... I do not want to anymore ...I can neither eat nor sleep ...I have been looking for a way to kill myself without pain for a long time.I know that it is possible to be put to sleep in Switzerland for a lot of money, but I am not rich enough for it.Apart from nicely meant help from prevention teams, there is nothing on the Internet about how to do all this shit in the best and most pain-free manner.You can save yourself comments such as: ""bathe with your toaster"", ""cut yourself"" or ""drink pipe cleaner"" because I want to avoid pain as much as possible.You can also leave out comments like ""talking helps"".I do not want to talk anymore, I want to end it it is enough.",Suicidal +15554,"[The picture]( blurred out the username bc it would not be hard to link that account to my actual name, but I vividly remember that changing my mind. I am going to be seeing if I can find whoever sent me this to thank them on my own time, but it helped me, and maybe it can help someone else too. &#x200B;If this breaks one of the rules, I would not take it personally if you removed it. I more just wanted to thank this community for their thoughtfulness. 14 year old me made a post on here threatening to end my life years ago, and I rediscovered the picture someone sent me that night that changed my mind. Wanted to share with you all and thank everyone here as a whole 6 years later.",Depression +15555,"I am sorry I cannot be the child you dreamed of having.I know you deserve everything, and I cannot give you even the simplest of things.I cannot even fucking clear an exam even on second attempt. I am a fucking idiot.you all give me everything I want, sacrifice everything for me, and in return I give you NOTHING. Do you look at other children and wish I were them? Do you wish you would have raised me better? because it is not your fault. it is mine. I AM THE DUMBEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. I sometimes wish I was never born, why did you give birth to me? How does it feel? Raising a disappointment of a daughter? I know you will never tell me you are disappointed in me, but you will hurt inside. Mom will start recklessly driving again. Dad will start drinking on week nights again. All because of me. I wish you were abusive, I wish you were even a little bad. So I could blame you for my declining mental health. But I only have to blame myself. You do not know that for the last one and half years, there has not been a single night when I did not think of ending it all. I have the equipments stored in my cupboard. I am such a fucking coward that I cannot even kill myself. I cannot... because the last time I failed, you consoled me and told me I am all you have. I knew I was not going to succeed in the endeavour, I was never stable enough to give my best. But it hurts knowing that ya'll thought I can. Stop overestimating me, I am not that smart. Not all fucking Asian kids are smart. I have no future... Right, mom and dad? How will I ever make you proud?what is the point of living anymore?But you told me I am all you have... but do you sometimes wish you never had me?I think it is high time for me to not be a coward. I am a waste of space. I am sorry, mom and dad.",Suicidal +15556,"22 y/o M, moved to a new state halfway across the country with a ""sort of"" friend from middle school, I say sort of because the only context of us hanging out was either to smoke a blunt or just at a party, I have always been cool with him but we have never been like best friends or anything. I am posting this because although he is my roommate i still feel incredibly alone. Through this time spent alone (being about the last year or so of total isolation before we got a lease about 3 months ago) I have learned that i do not really have any friends. None of my ""close"" friends from home have even called me or texted me hardly. In response to this I have left all groupchats and anything else involving them as I should not have to be friends with them just because we have hung out for 10 years or so, especially if they do not care about what I am doing or how I am doing, constantly I am seeing them check on eachother and it makes me feel incredibly left out, but it makes me think that maybe they just do not think that I need/want to be checked on. Whatever maybe this is a hole only i have put myself in, but i still think if i even did have one true friend someone would have asked to come hangout. I moved to a pretty tourist destination place with legal weed so all my homies when i initially moved here all said they wanted to plan trips and yadda yadda yadda of course none of which ever was actually an intention. My roommate however has had multiple friends make time to come out here and spend time with him. Maybe i am a fucking sack of shit and i just do not see it. My issue is not wanting my ""friends"" back. I have decided to just grow myself and my abilities, but all I have been is depressed and unmotivated and self loathing. I have no flame within me anymore for any sort of creative passions or ideas even. I just want to know how to meet people, covid has made things weird and i went actively looking on friday to multiple bars in my area only to find that i was the youngest at just about every one. I do not know what i need really, certainly not mentally in a place to have a girlfriend although the comfort of having that would obviously be nice but what kind of woman wants a man who is depressed and unmotivated with no plans. currently my day to day routine since i was also fired from my job as a office administrator has been wake up, shower, gym, eat, shower, lay in bed and stare into the void and take depression naps. I have tried drawing on my ipad or making videos and i just end up sitting at my desk with my head in my hands thinking about what if i died and how peaceful that may be. In death there would be no stress to have these connections/relationships, I feel like part of me feels that it is a massive flaw to need others simply for my own maintenance it feels incredibly dependent and i hate that. I am always willing to give myself and all of my attention and help to anyone i would think is a friend and never in my life have i felt that reciprocated, never have i felt like a bullet would be caught in return. I am a simp for human connection and i feel that with this literal entire year without minus a couple tinder dates i feel so bad almost sick. I do not know if this is a rant or what but i would appreciate tips for anyone who maybe has been in this place before and what helped you get through. 22y/o Feels like the end already.",Depression +15557,"I see a lot of posts about relationships issues, divorce, cheating, and just struggles with suicidal thoughts from intimacy. I read them, but I know there is nothing I can actually say to make it better. I have been through it. it is hell. Nothing anyone can do makes it better. You just have to get through it yourself over time. So anyone of you who are lost, I am sorry. I know it is hell, and all I have for you is good luck. We head you. No one deserves to be alone. Breakups",Suicidal +15558,"It all happened so quick. I am so hurt. I contemplate suicide every day. I am going to buy a gun tomorrow I asked her to marry me, she moved out a week later",Suicidal +15559,"I have nothing and noone to miss me, I just sent a purpose, I want to be a womans purpose. I am sick of being worthless and ugly and overlooked. I just want to off myself I have nothing to be happy about.",Suicidal +15560,"I finally stopped talking to her. We finally ended it for good. After all the pain. After all the joy. The good memories. All of it was overcome by the bad. Id like to think it was a right person wrong time thing, but I think its selfish to believe that. I just was not meant for you. I wish you the best. Even now, as I am sure you are finding somebody else to comfort you, I wish you the best. It hurts to imagine, but I love you, and I understand. I will not text you again, I just need to write to let out the way I feel. The ache I feel everywhere thinking about what could have been, and believe me I cannot stop thinking. I know you will never see this and that is ok. I just wish you knew I loved you, and how much I miss the feeling of our souls intertwined. My biggest hope is that you can be happy in this life, and that maybe, if it was just the wrong time, we can meet in the next. Goodbye darling. My love. My everything. Finally did it.",Depression +15561,I have literally no goals or interests since childhood I am exhausted I can barely function the only thing logical for my future is ending my life and burn in hell for eternity lol Wtf are you supposed to do when you do not want to do anything with your life,Depression +15562,"I just cannot. I do not want to die, I want to make my family hurt, but I literally cannot do it any more. I am not able to work full time because of depression and I think that once my money is up I will take the big leap to non-existence. I literally do not have the energy for life any more. I literally cannot do it any more...",Depression +15563,"I feel lonely. I feel like the darkness around me gets tighter and tigher. I feel like the door gets more locks on it. I just feel like no one is ever here. I feel like no one truly cares because no one keeps up and everyone ignores me eventually. I also feel so bored. I feel unmotivated. I feel like nothing entertains me anymore. So much that I feel there is no true reason as to why I am still here. Like if there is nothing to do or fulfill, then what am I doing here? What is the point? Loneliness again. So bored that I feel hopeless",Depression +15564,"I have think I have become delusional. I honestly and truly believe that everything bad that has ever happened, all of people's suffering, all the negativity, all the death and the suffering, all the problems in our society and our nature, all the toxicity is my fault. I still have enough sanity left to know how stupid such a thing is. I tried and tell someone this and they just said to stop being overdramatic and silly. Well guess what. Silly is all I fucking am. it is all this stupid low IQ post from a low IQ dumbass is. I do not know what the fuck I am even looking for anymore, absolutely fucking nothing makes me happy not even self harming because I just know everything I do is completely fucking pointless. I am a blistering sore on everyone around me I know all I do is bring forth negativity and yet I cannot even rid them of me because for some damn reason I think at least someone in my family will grieve for me. What should I do if I kill myself will the suffering around me stop or will it just be another stupid action of mine that causes even more suffering? Help me.",Suicidal +15565,Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un Soy un perdedorSoy un perdedorSoy un perdedor Soy un perdedor,Suicidal +15566,"Life is boring to me, I do not want to do nothing, I do not feel pleasure, I only have one friend, the max good thing that happens is sometimes I laugh, I do not feel like doing so much effort to stay alive, like eating and stuff, if nothing is good. I already tried to kill myself many times but I am always to afraid to do it, one time I just cut the wrong place, now I just keep cutting my leg to kind of relief myself. I am just too lazy for living",Suicidal +15567,"No social interaction or anything I do feels satiable anymore. I feel like I cannot do school, I feel like every person in my life thinks I am secretly an idiot. My whole life I have always struggled with validation, the only thing keeping me here tbh is my records, physical objects that are constant and meaningful and do not ask anything back. Does anyone else feel similarly? Idk, genuinely debating buying a gram of h + benzos + alcohol and going somewhere nice and secluded. None of it feels passive anymore it feels like a fucking fire inside of me Just so fucking empty",Suicidal +15568,I know they may isolate themselves from friends or even family. But romantic partners too? Should I just give mine some space? Is it common for people with depression to stop reaching out to their partners when going through a period of depression?,Depression +15569,"And desperate. And stupid. And failure. I am disgust with myself that I beg strangers on reddit to help me and support me and I share my thoughts with them. I hate me because my life depends on the answers I will receive here and I feel so humiliated by getting ignored and with how much I exposed myself. What a bunch of strangers can do anyway? My own people do not care about me anymore so why people who do not know me do it? Probably I do the same everyday, I ignore so many people who need help. The world is cruel and even if someone has good identions and wants to give you an advice what is the point really? They cannot change your life and your feelings. You can feel good for some minutes because someone says thst feels sooty for you but that is it. In the end you are alone. Nobody in real life cared to help you settle your life, find a job, support, love etc when you were alive but the moment they will see you in the casket suddenly they will feel so guilty that did not helped you. How ironic is that.I feel so sad about my life but also I feel sad thinking how many people were alone and vulnerable and desperate the moment they commit. Many of them they were good people, with potentials, they were never harm anyone, they were willing to help others and they had so much love to give. Maybe they were too good for this world. I do not know if I am like them but it is clear to me that sensitive people cannot survive in this world. If I was able to tell lies, if I was not so responsible and did not overanalyzing things, if I was more selfish my life would be good. The world is unfair and harsh and you must be the same to survive. Romantic, sensitive and emotional people do not have a place here. Be polite, nice, generous and resoectful to others is pointless.I wish I could change me, I hate me. Sometimes I think I am better, I am special and I get angry because I think I deserve more but that is just an outburst the truth is that I despise me. I suffered a lot it is time to rest. There is no point to stay alive just because I cannot commit. This is not a life. I feel very vulnerable right now",Suicidal +15570,"I have always wanted to die but I know I would have never killed myself. Always wished life would hit me and I would be gone. But today though it is been on my mind.My life has gone downhill this year. I lost my job, my car, and now I am losing the place I live at all because of my drinking. Earlier my boyfriend broke up with me and I do not even know why. So I just want to fucking die. I have been thinking about it all day",Suicidal +15571,"My family are moving to a new place in a month it is pretty isolated. The nearest town is about 30 miles away. Only my parents drive. I will be driving in just under a year. My younger sibling has years before he can drive. I cannot leave him alone there, on his own. I hate myself so much for not committing suicide a year or more ago. Now I am literally trapped and its driving me crazy. I am going to be trapped for so many more years until my sibling can drive. I am terrified. I feel so exhausted and worried all the time. I literally dread my future so much I wish i could just get hit by a car suddenly so its not my fault if my sibling has to stay there on their own. I can no longer commit suicide and am truly trapped.",Suicidal +15572,"My depression has made my family hate me. I no longer enjoy doing things with them and they say I am negative all the time. I try I really do try to be positive but its just so hard, nigh on impossible for someone as depressed as I am. I guess I fake it well enough that they think I am well enough. I just feel hopeless and alone. Nothing makes me happy anymore except for my dog and buying stuff for him. But whenever I buy stuff for him or talk about him and how much I love him I get shot down by my family. They want me to be positive about certain things but other things not so much, only if it fits their agenda. They want me to be positive about everything and honestly although I know I am extremely depressed and borderline suicidal, I do not think that being positive all the time is a healthy mindset either. I just do not know how to impress them anymore. I do not want to be super fake all the time because its exhausting and annoying but I have tried my best to be positive and they cannot handle that either. I hate to disappoint them but I am driving them all crazy. Maybe its time to end it all and make them stop being annoyed with me. Family just cannot understand my pain",Depression +15573,"I do not want to offend anyone, so please know I am just asking for advice/wisdom/experience, not trying to be hurtful. Do you know when you are not yourself? My husband thinks everything is fine, but he is so grumpy with all of us (3 kids), short tempered and not fun to be around (usually is amazing to be around). I say that I am codependent because I Always want to be around him, but I prefer doing things without him now because of how he treats me and how little things make him explode. This is how he is when his depression is not managed, but he does not seem to know there is a difference. He thinks he is just himself, but I know and the whole family has to walk on eggshells around him. I have suggested getting back to the gym (that + meds does the trick and for 2 or 3 years, I got HIM...when he was doing that.). He will not go to the gym (or lift on our weight bench at home) and insists that he does not need to and he is fine. I cannot do this again (dealt with him in depression for 10 years. Ten hard years where he could not love me bc he did not love himself. I stuck with him, but finally put my foot down that he needed help, which is why he finally started meds) and am starting to feel depressed myself (sad, crying, do not want to get out of bed) just thinking that this is happening again. it is been going on a few months. Very bad for 2 weeks. we have been married for 18 years. I have talked to him and he just gets mad and says he does not need to work out and that I am the problem and he is normal. Thank you for any help. From a wife:",Depression +15574,"I have a rather normal life. i go to school, i have friends and do stuff with them, and even if my mom is bipolar and has a heavy treatment for it and most of the time i have to Look after my brother because he has some bad anxiety, i generally feel like in a loving family. But then i still feel like shit and I really do not understand why. what is even more confusing is that i do not think about it when I am at school and around my friends, except when i say something weird/stupid or when i get a question wrong in class, in which case i then blame myself for it and really hate myself for the rest of the day, sometimes even the next day. I tell myself that I am a stupid piece of shit, that I am a monster who hurts everyone around him, that my friends like me just out of pity and that my teachers pray for me to shut the fuck up every time they see me, etc etc. there is also this weird, horrible feeling of not belonging with my friends that i get sometimes, just like when you enter the wrong classroom by accident, like i do not fit in. it is like looking at them just to see how happy and not caring and just enjoying their life they are, and how i simply cannot be like that. But then again it is a state of mind that I am not always in and realizing that makes me think that I am liying to myself and to others, like I am acting a scene just to get some attention that i do not deserve.At the end, I am just here wondering what the fuck is happening to me. People have told me that it kind of sounds like depression, hence why I am posting this here, but i really do not have a fucking clue of what is going on in my life, and I am too afraid to go see a doctor because it would mean telling everything to my mom and I feel like she would not take it seriously, plus she already has enough problems herself. I have also tried psychologists but they are either too expensive in order to be viable on the long term, or it is a cheap alternative that i do not feel comfortable with and that generally does not work for me.And still, these thoughts are killing me.If you have any advice or idea of what it could possibly be (or if it is even a real thing at all and not some random casual problem that I am just egoistically complaining about), that would help so me much.Thank you very much in advance I feel so fucking empty and I do not understand why",Depression +15575,Just got 27yo. Been telling myself since I was a young teenager that if I am not happy by 27 -Ill just kill myself. Well here I am & more depressed than ever. How can it get better at this point? I have been unhappy since I was a freakin child. I am done 27 club,Suicidal +15576,"I might get downvoted to hell for this but honestly, there are times when I despise happy people. People who have their siGniFicaNt OtHers and parTnerS and FrieNds and go out and have fun. Fuck them. I hate happy people",Depression +15577,"Title says it all. Medicated since 10, drugged since 14, now just in a vicious cycle of either using, or just in an anhedonic state of self loathing when I am not. cannot make it to therapy regularly, been to 20 treatments, keep missing doctors appts. Work is the only thing that distracts me at all, cannot game, cannot read, cannot sit thru a movie. I want to hurt myself so fucking bad but I am in a committed relationship and I guess I am capable of some kind of love because I will not self mutilate because that only hurts her.Really at my wits end. I keep surviving overdoses when I do use, sometimes I will not for a few weeks and even if I do use I find no pleasure there either. I am so sick of being broken but the only cure all is time which is the one thing I do not think I really have much more in me. cannot find motivation to do anything to make my problems better",Depression +15578,"I was going to type something long but ill just keep it short.got to keep on pushin till i cannot no more. that is what I am trying to do. Yeah. I got my gun, got my lil boolet in there. I put it in my mouth and look at myself in the mirror and scream n shit with my finger on the trigger and the barrel up against the roof of my mouth. But then somehow good news comes through at the last minuteAnd i just think.... not yet. I still got shit to do. And it could be better in the long run.I do not want to die... but i do not want to live..... but i got to keep going until i cannot no more. Until then.... the guns in my glove box. I feel the same way as you all do. Real shit.",Suicidal +15579,I think what keeps me going every day is two things1. My cat is the best and she deserves a stable home. Plus she actually loves me and thinks I am her mom.2. After my cat dies I can finally blow my brains out. Drinking tonight,Suicidal +15580,"id say my mine is about 7, was feel really down this morning but I am guess I am okay now On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad was your depression today?",Depression +15581,Ugly.. depressed.. cannot attract anyone... unemployed.. college dropout...low IQ...destroyed brain by depression... severely socially anxious... very shy and awkward.. never had a gf...virgin... no friends in 10 years.. (no I do not want any so do not ask) .. depressed for 11 years... cannot feel pleasure not even if I drink or smoke....suicidal often... nothing to look forward to.. bored of everything... been socially rejected and laughed at my whole life and at work.... called useless at every job because I am. Will literally be a fucking loner/virgin forever. Even if I am not the damage has already been done. No self improvement makes me feel better either. Bitches keep saying keep trying new meds it will work. No they will not and they never do every fucking time. Fuck my life Existence is a curse,Suicidal +15582,"i used to be scared that my mom would be sad and kill herself too but i honestly do not care anymore. I am allowed to be selfish for once in my life. fuck everything and everyone, I am outta here I am going to kill myself tonight",Suicidal +15583,Please helpI know this is a wierd subreddit to put it on but I feel like this is were it could be related to the most. My dysmorphia has made me borderline suicidal and my nihilistic mindset will not help. Obviously I will not do it neither do I have the balls to but I just need a new start a new life. Someone please drop ideas of how I can start a new life before it gets too bad please. And please do not say stuff like oohhh do not do it you have a lot to life for I need answers not comfort. I hope people do not feel the same since its a horrible feeling. Would appreciate some help Please help,Suicidal +15584,"I am writing this post to seek advice, guidance, and emotional support on an obvious issue that I can longer ignore, which is that I am 31 years old and I have never had a girlfriend. I am of East Indian descent; however, I grew up in California. I have been told that numerous times that I am a good-looking guy, and some people are even shocked to find that I have never had a girlfriend before. Throughout much of my adult life, I have been overlooked by girls. I have seen Indian guys score girls, yet I would be left with nothing and it often makes me think just ""What exactly is it about these guys that make them particularly appealing?"" ""What exactly do these guys have that I do not?"" I have a fair complexion for an Indian so I am quite often told that I do not ""look Indian"" but rather a Hispanic or middle eastern, which irritates me. I am very insecure about my figure, as I believe that it is the sole reason that people have never respected me- I am 5'8"" with a slender build, which makes me look a lot younger than my actual age; I could easily pass for 22. Many of these Indian guys may be taller than me-6'1"", however, they are not exactly the most refined of people- they are very callous and rude. Many times, where girls have expressed interest in me, there has always been some jealous male that has ruined it for me. I have tried using dating sites, such as Tinder, and much to my chagrin, I have never matched even once in the past two years that I have been using the app. For a while, I stopped caring by reassuring myself that I can live without a girlfriend, but unfortunately, I am reaching an age where I need to find someone.&#x200B;I ought to mention that I would prefer to date a girl outside of my ethnicity. I must profess that anytime I see a brown guy with a white girl, I become infuriated with jealousy because I often think that if that brown guy can score a white girl, why cannot I? What exactly does that brown guy have that I do not? I would not feel the same way if the guy were White, Yellow, or Black, but only Brown.One could contend that there may be something about myself that I could change, and I completely agree; however, one attribute about the physique that I have not been able to change is my height, and I know that women do care about that- they are lying if they tell you that it is not important. Consequently, I am strongly considering undergoing cosmetic limb lengthening surgery, which would essentially make me 5 inches taller, and put me at 6'1"", and not to mention people would not bully me and women would be more likely to express interest in me.If I were a brown guy standing at 6'1"" and not 5'8"", I would be respected and not bullied as much as I have throughout my life. I am constantly told by women that I look like a little boy and not like a grown man and that is simply because of my small build.It is my misfortune to have been dealt with a very bad genetic hand at birth; however, I do plan to redeem by making myself taller to improve the quality of my life and ultimately ensure my happiness.I am very miserable deep inside, and with each passing day, I realize more and more just how miserable I am deep down inside. I often ask what is the point of life? Help and Guidance needed.",Suicidal +15585,"I lost my last friend. She told me, I was too depressed and sad and could not be friends with me anymore. She was a sweet girl. I have no one anymore. I am going to try and work up the courage to kill myself. I am tired of being in pain. I do not want to be anymore. I do not want to live anymore. Lost Friends",Suicidal +15586,"You ever just get that feeling of nimbly scrolling through an app listening to music. At this point its not even sad, it just drowns out everything else? You do not even cry. You feel like you have to cry, but you just cannot? you go through your whole day with fake smiles and laughs so everyone thinks you are okay. Or you just lay in bed numb and feel like nothing is real? Its okay....me too... Existing sort of",Depression +15587,Why do I always get in fights with all my friends? Its never me who initiates it either. Everyone always has a problem with me idk. Its like everybody that gets close to me just hates my personality. I cannot wait to find the right person that I do not have to mask for. No friends anymore after I fought with every single one of them and we just moved on. It makes me feel down on myself because I do not know what I am doing wrong. Its literally just my personality that is wrong ig Fights with friends,Depression +15588,People keep telling me to see a therapist. That is such BS. They just want money. I therapist will not help me be less ugly or disgusting or repulsive to women. A therapist will not help me find love. I am ready to die not go to therapy. Therapy is such crap,Depression +15589,"No one I know knows the depth and extent to which I am fucked right now. I am suffocated by heaps of piled up work I keep putting off. Its not even just normal procrastinating, even when i start the work every minute of continuing to work on requires extreme strengths. My laziness is killing me. I do not know what to do. I do not know where all this time since January went. I am so lost. cannot fall asleep because I am so worried about everything. The walls are closing in on me. I despise myself so much. Trapped",Depression +15590,I am sitting in my car with all the ingredients I need to die in the next 15 minutes. All I have to do is mix them together and wait. Fuck I am scared. But living this she will of a life is just too much to bare. This might be my last action on this earth,Suicidal +15591,"Tw:sexual assault/rapeToday my family brought up sexual assault/rape and talked about how its the womans fault. I sat there listening feeling so hurt. I remembered that they said the same things to me when they found out I was raped. They called me a slut and a whore. They told me it was my fault. It was only a year ago when this happened. Sitting there listening to them today made me angry, it made me wonder why they did not care even when it happened to their own daughter. I have never opened up about being raped but now I am because I am pissed. The cops never cared, my family never cared, my friends at that time never cared. I had to deal with it on my own. Everyday I have to deal with it. No one ever made sure I was okay. No one ever got mad at the grown man who raped me. I was 15. 15 and no one ever cared. I have never in my life felt more suicidal than at that time. I still just want to die. More than anything I want to die. I am sorry Ill probably delete this. I just wanted to say something. Venting",Suicidal +15592,"I am in a healthy relationship and have amazing parents so I feel selfish for thinking this way. Every day I just wish I was dead, and the urge to do it myself increases every single dayI have no idea how to begin rewiring my brain to be better. I feel like I am too far gone. The urge to kill myself keeps increasing",Suicidal +15593,"Whenever people ask you how you are feel and you genuinely share then they feel the need to box you up and ship you somewhere. it is not my fault that my mind goes off a bridge before crossing it. Also, any significant other I have had in my life thinks it is always some secret way to keep them by guilting them. Lol as if they were the because. Just feel so much shame and guilt and it is hard to get away from. I drink daily and it is fucked my life up. Never finished college or high school and am stranded in the bar industry in which I make enough money to secretly feed my problem but that prevents me from saving. I have a son now which makes my issues worse because I cannot be 100% for him if I do not sneak a couple. I just needed to get that off my chest because living a lie over here and do not have anyone besides a 1 year old and did not think he was the best to vent to. I hate the routine",Suicidal +15594,"I am fine, thank you - ladies code&#x200B;My tears are blinding me again, in case I see you again. Without me knowing, time has flown by. Again, I wait for you today.I foolishly search only for you Maybe you will search for me one day, too My eyes are filled with tears as I wait for you. And like this, another day goes by.I cry, just for today. I hope you are forever happy, good bye. it is okay if you smile sometimes when you think of me. I am fine thank you, thank you.While living as if nothing happened, you may even forget me. When you think of me very occasionally, I am doing well, so you do not need to worry.When it gets tough and you miss me so much, I will be the wind and ease your pain. When you call out my name at that hill, I will run to you and hug you tight...I cry, just for today. I hope you are forever happy, good bye. it is okay if you smile sometimes when you think of me. I am fine thank you, thank you.I cry, just for today. I hope you are forever happy, good bye. it is okay if you smile sometimes when you think of me. I am fine thank you, thank you.I am fine thank you, thank you I am fine thank you, thank you I am fine thank you, thank you Not my words, but I do not want to keep going. So if for some reason someone cares that I am gone. Just listen to this song",Suicidal +15595,I just feel so unlucky and alone. Feeling down need someone to talk to 24f,Depression +15596,it is the reason I never had a single friend in school. Even the ugly people had friends except me. I dropped out after grade 8. I have never had a friend & the 2 long term relationships I had destroyed me and caused me more PTSD than I already had from childhood trauma. I am too ugly to exist,Suicidal +15597,"there is some people that I have talked and am talking online who says they has depression and not feeling well. I do not really know how to react when they tell me that. I know people would take it offensive when I say things like ""I understand"", because I do not. Even I do, they would think I do not. So what can I say? What do you want me to say, depression struggler?",Depression +15598,"I feel so empty and hollow and completely alone, but also like I cannot feel anything. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, or disappear forever. I feel like my life is over and I am just waiting to catch up. I feel like I lost everything and I can never have my life back or be happy again. I am tired of holding on for nothing. I am just tired. I am so tired.I do not think anyone would notice if I was gone, I do not think they would miss me. But I am so afraid for my dogs if that is true. I am already failing and falling and I cannot leave them alone but I cannot hold on anymore either. All day I have just been spinning in circles of how to get them care with someone I trust without hurting them or catching anyone of guard. This is so consuming and all I can think about and I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am just so tired of being so sad.",Suicidal +15599,"(28/M/straight) I am haunted by my extreme foot fetish. I have absolutely no interest in conventual sex, even kissing. All i fantasize about are Feet and being dominated by women. All i want is to be completely degraded and treated like a dog. Because of this i have absolutely no intimate or sexual history with any women. This makes me tense, uneasy and extremely reserved and quite. I do not want to bring any attention to myself. I do not want to risk having to talk about my sexual history or lack there of. I have completely lost the nerve to lie about it. I cannot develop any close friends because eventually this stuff will constantly come up and i do not want to be the weird guy who is never with a girl or talks/tells stories about them. My sexual kinks make me feel hopeless. I can never have a normal life",Suicidal +15600,"it is a no holds bar The answer to life is being a relationship between evil, sympathy, and thankfulness",Suicidal +15601,"When I first got diagnosed I tried anything short of meth in order to feel better, and now alcohol and certain drugs are my crutch in order to escape, I have been told I am ruining my health physically and mentally but I cannot help it, being sober is just to hard to deal with. Does anyone else feel like this? I think I am suffering from addiction.",Depression +15602,"I have a hard time figuring out if I am just out of sorts and do not know how to deal with things, or if its something more - like depression. How do you know? I feel uncomfortable (anxious) going to a doctor, but probably the next step. Can someone please advise me on how to move forward? Confused, need help",Depression +15603,Only thing keeping me going is false memories and false hope. I do not deserve this. Why is this happening to me? I never wanted or asked to exist. Who controls my life? i do not know the answers to these i ask myself everyday and i will never know. humiliation. Constantly depressed all the time,Depression +15604,"Just hard, I try and try to motivate myself to do what I want and to make things better but no matter what the thoughts and sadness always creeps back in, its impossible to shake This life is hard as hell",Suicidal +15605,"I am calming down from another suicidal episode from a few days ago. I have had PTSD for 10+ years due to a POW experience I went through while in the military. I was having a rough day on a family trip stuck in a minivan drive in the Rockies. I just thought, hey, you just need to make it to the stop, the next meal, just another day and suddenly the all the intrusive thoughts came back.This kind of thought from training got me through my experience, but I hate how its been more than a decade and I can still find myself back in my cell wishing for escape. I have tried to escape this earthly prison years ago, but I cannot try again due to the pain it causes to other. Yesterday, I returned to a panic state where I starting to feel like any enclosed space was a trap. God, I just wanted it all to end. There was many times I just wish another car would hit us or run us off the road. I just did not care anymore. I have been in therapy for what, 5 years. It was supposed to be better by now, right? (Sigh)Well, I have had suicidal ideation like this for six plus years. This was not my first panic rodeo. I found this subreddit today and feel closer to some of you all in these kinds of situations than my own family. I figure I would share. I am still in my prison",Suicidal +15606,"I do not even know if i will make it to my 23 birthday anymore, I just cannot take it, I just want it to end, I cannot take much more of it I know I will not last",Depression +15607,"I know people love me. My great grandparents, my dad, my little brothers, my mom, my cousins and aunts. My boyfriend. But I feel like no one loves me. And its so hard to explain to them because they do not understand. I feel suicidal sometimes and I wish I could do it, but then I think about my great grandparents and my brothers and how could I do that to them? I wish I had no one so I would not have to think about them. My boyfriend thinks I get depressed for no reason. But its not just one thing that sends me into an episode. Sure, its that one thing. But along with 50 other things that were on the back burner all hitting me at once. I just hate myself so much. I try not to compare myself to others, but once I do, I just start thinking about how much better everyone is and how I am wasting space just floating by. I wish I was never born. I start crying then my boyfriend just thinks here we go again.. He tries. But nothing helps except sleep and time. I am not motivated at all. I have no interests. I just scroll through social media. No desire for sex. And I know he deserves better. But he says he loves me. But another girl could treat him better. Be happy all the time. Want sex all the time. Not shut down and wish she was dead. I stress him out. I know it. I am just pathetic. Feeling so alone when you know people love you.",Depression +15608,I hate myself its my fault I should have done more LOST ANOTHER PERSON TO SUICIDE!,Suicidal +15609,"I drove over to the local bridge to inspect it. I wanted to find the other bridge to see if it was any taller but I got lost, made a few wrong turns, and drove father away from the first bridge. So I went home instead. I googled somewhere along the lines of ""painless way to kill yourself"". If i jumped off the bridge I could have lived and the consequences are much more unthinkable. If I ate pills, I could live and experience permanent damage to the brain. If I drank alcohol, well Id have to drink too much alcohol to kill myself and Id be vomiting before then. If I shot myself, I could live. Possibly be a vegetable and I think that is worse for everyone than if I were to be dead. So I am here laying in bed, sobbed myself into a migraine, stil contemplating suicide but it is less intense now. If there was a painless way to kill myself I would not be here right now.",Suicidal +15610,"Slowly detached from all love I once earned500 days straight now, isolated and spurnedA broken, blank slate with only death to turn-L.J. I sat and watched all my bridges burn",Suicidal +15611,Had to cancel because they lied about insurance. I feel like I am going to go insane and just fucking end it No therapy tomorrow and I feel like I am hanging on to my sanity by a thread,Suicidal +15612,"I fell into a deep depression at the beginning of February, right when my partner and I of a year and half moved into together with two other good friends. The transition was especially hard for me because I already had my own tiny studio apartment where I had been living in for three and half years. I knew that moving in would be hard, but it did end up being harder than I expected it to. When my depression would hit when I lived alone, it was easy for me to recluse in my apartment, lay in bed all day and avoid the world as much as I wanted to, but living alone especially during the pandemic was also hard for my mental health. And I knew that moving in with my partner would also have a lot of pros, which still stand today. Its mid July and thankfully that aspect of things have been good. But when my depression hit in February and I moved in with my partner, it was hard for me to hide and recluse myself like I was so used to, so he saw me in one of the most vulnerable and lowest states that I have ever been through. He does not struggle with any mental health issues and did not know just how bad it could get for someone, so he was clueless about how to support me in that state, which made it harder for, because when I am in that state, its hard for me to communicate what it is that I need. He tried and stuck around and is still here with me. I got on medications in May, which have helped. But I still do not feel like myself completely. I work everyday to be more positive because I really do want to turn my life around. But now that I am feeling ""better"", I feel like I have fallen out of love with my partner. I just do not feel the same towards him and I think he can tell. he is not changed at all towards me, he still desires, supports, and loves me just the same. And I am afraid I will not feel the same for him like I did. Before all this, I saw our lives together and now I do not know what I see. I want to love him and be able to reciprocate all the love he continues to give me everyday, because I honestly do not want anyone else. So what I am wondering is, has anyone else had some type of similar experience? Where you feel like you fell out of love and was able to fell in love again? I am being patient with myself because this illness has not been easy on me and I am making sure to put myself first in terms of also finding the love for myself within. Especially when it feels like I will feel this lingering dark shadow above me forever. Would love to hear any stories you might have or advice. Thank you. I feel like I have fallen out of love with my partner",Depression +15613,"I have been in a 1 year VERY toxic relationship, and I finally ended it today. I have never felt so much hurt before. I know its for the better but it seems like it will never feel like it Well I have finally did it",Depression +15614,"I am at the point in my life, where my future seems darker and darker by each passing day. My whole life, has been hell. Ever since I was a kid, I had to endure massive amounts of stress, abuse and other negative stuff. The abuser in my life, who I still live with has absolutely destroyed me. My mental state is horrendous. Ever since I was young, I have had to lie for him. When any goverment official asked about my father, I have had to say Oh I do not know him.. Even though he would abuse us pretty much every day, either mentally or physically or both. I am still young, and yet I feel as though I should commit suicide. Maybe I deserved to be abused. I am a bad person. I hurt people, say bad thing and just overall do idiotic things. I have never told this to anybody in real life. I suffer from depression, anxiety and maybe some other illness. I am never truly myself it seems. There is alot more to say, but I think I am just wasting everyone is time here.Why am I writing this? Well, I feel as though I should finally, for the first time take control of my life and change for the better. I want to apologise, sincerly. I apologise for being a piece of shit. I am sorry to everyone. I need to get this off my chest.",Suicidal +15615,"I am at total peace with death these days it is just that I do not wish to go out by my own hands and have my family wondering where they went wrong. I want my organs to shut down suddenly and whereever my soul/consciousness goes from there, wether it is an afterlife, a world I create or absolutly nothing at all, that is fine. I just do not belong here, I know this with every part of me that this is not where I am supposed to be. for every day I spend here, i feel more tainted and I am taunted by filthy energy.before you ask, yes, I have supportive people and I also have a psychologist and lovely social workers who are good at their job but that will never change what I truely want. and that is not to be here. I keep begging for the universe to let me pass in my sleep",Suicidal +15616,"After over a year of the worst my mental health has been in (suicide attempt, heartbreak, pandemic obviously, deaths in family, a lot of other shit) I thought finally something good is happening for me. I finally had a chance to escape my nightmare of a household with some people. they have already backed out.I do not think I am meant to be happy.And I do not know how much longer I can stay here without wishing for death I do not think I am meant to be happy",Depression +15617,"Does anyone else feel like they are constantly waiting for that one thing to give them an ounce of joy? ie that one clothes delivery, that one new episode, that one takeaway that will provide some kind of happiness for a couple of minutes. Then it fades and you are waiting for the next thing to make you feel something. Is this it? Do I need to rely on superficial things to make me feel remotely happy? When I cannot find something to make me feel that way, I feel like I am literally just waiting to die. I cannot believe I need to spend the rest of my life waking up, working, thinking of what to have for dinner, and trying to find little things to bring me some short-lived joy. How mundane. What a sad little life (Jane. Enjoy the money I hope it makes you very happy etc) Waiting",Depression +15618,I cannot live knowing your gone A you have 24 hours to let me know your ok,Suicidal +15619,"I suck at *everything* I do. I have not succeeded at anything I have tried to accomplish since I graduated high school, over 10 years ago. I am nearly 30 now and have a dead-end job that, while I technically make enough to get by without my parent's assistance (whom I currently live with), I would not be able to save any money and I fear I have capped out how much I can make with my educational background (that is to say, no educational background). What is there to do in this situation? I have no friends, no relationship, I have my parents and 2 siblings and a few people online I chat with from time to time. None of them have been able to help me see what I am good at, just lies and platitudes about what they *think* I am good at because, well, I have to be good at something, right? (Wrong.) I have no hobbies because I do not enjoy doing anything I am not good at (that is just how I am, please do not tell me to stick with something so I can get good at it, I get frustrated to the point of tears and property destruction if I am not already good at something). I have no career aspirations and even if I did I would not be able to succeed unless I graduated post-secondary, which I have tried to do 2 times and failed at, miserably. What do you do when you do not want to do anything? What do you work towards when you have no long-term goals, dreams, or aspirations? I have not found a good answer to this so at the moment, I am just existing, waiting for death or a time where there is literally no one left to care about me if I end it myself. I cannot do anything right, just waiting for death to take me at this point...",Suicidal +15620,"I have zero tolerance for Xanax and Alcohol.that is how probably I would end my life.It is sad reality, but... Some people were not meant to be brought to this world. Can Xanax and Alcohol combo kill me?",Suicidal +15621,"My whole life, I thought I had made all of the correct decisions setting myself up for later in life. I graduated college without debt, had a good career, and had a great social circle. Well, I made one tiny mistake one day two years ago and now my whole life is a fucking mess. I feel like everything that I worked so hard for was for nothing. Everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong the past two years. It honestly feels like God is not just testing me, but he wants me to kill myself. Being stuck in limbo fucking sucks. I feel like God wants me to kill myself",Suicidal +15622,"Everytime I complain to my boyfriend I am depressed he tells me that I should not be - that I am beautiful, smart, have a good job, have a boyfriend who likes me and lots of friends who like me. But the day to day weight of being unable to change my situation gets to me. I feel like if I spend money on my favorite food, its pointless. If I walk 10 minutes somewhere, its a drop in the bucket. Buying cute clothes or makeup, or driving around to go browsing items would only be a temporary dopamine satisfier, but Id feel empty inside ultimately with too many things in my already filled closet. Going to a music festival would he fun, but it would just cost a lot of money, Id be tired from the travelling, Id be frustrated with my friend pushing me to do things I would not like. I find negotiating all the relationships in my life exhausting, disappointing and full of tradeoffs, but I do not know where else to invest my time instead. A career that I am in to ascend the ladder just seems designed to make me overwork my underlings in a corporation that destroys the environment, while surrounded by coworkers who are obssessed with their job title and work. The sex with my boyfriend is great, he is caring enough, but I am just full of doubts in my life. I feel that I am not doing well at all and that I am always going to be miserable. I feel like I have to keep busy, wear myself out until I sleep, to numb my feelings and get by. And I constantly feel like jumping job after job, and escaping, but I do not know where to escape too. I am not happy unless I distract myself",Depression +15623,"I am okay, but this is something that I have been working on for a long time and am finally comfortable sharing it with people. Its a poem from the perspective of my intrusive thoughts. PSA this content mentions self harm, drug use and suicide. It might be upsetting to some people. INTRUSIVESit down and stay here, in your comfort zone.Despite what you are thinking, you are never alone.I will always be here to tell you, you are not a good person,I will tear at your insecurities and make your mental health worsen. do not worry if you are not worrying, I will place doubt in your mind,I will twist your thoughts up on everything, that you will never unwind.I think you will find thatYou do not belong here, at least not for long,You will collapse and crumble and never be strong. Not strong enough ,anyway, to push me away,So here, in your comfort zone is where I will stay.I will stay and remind you of what you believe to be true,Despite your efforts to remove me, I am stuck to you like glue.You can tear at me, you can scream, shout and cry,But here I will stay until the day that you die.You can try to get out, to walk and be free,But No matter where you go, you will always have me.I can tell you the truth, how you are horrid and judged,you are view of the future will always be smudged,you are not going places, you never will do,So you may as well stay here, Ill help you feel blue.You will feel blue for the rest of your days,It is not temporary and it is not a phase.You do not deserve happiness, kindness or love,And though you may pray to those up above,I am the only one that hears you, so why should you try?When you can stay here with me, break down and cry.You lie, you sin, you will never fit in,I will always remind you; you are rotten within.You are a bad person, partner, sister, daughter and friend,The truth is they would be better off if you were to end.Ending your life is something I taunt you with often,And I will keep doing so until you decay in a coffin.Some days I stay quiet, and let you believeThat you can be happy, that you can perceiveThis world in a positive way,But one day of silence will not keep me at bay.You sway with anxiety upon your shoulders,Because my weight on your chest is the equivalent of boulders.You are never strong enough to carry me around,So you give up, crumble and fall to the ground.You can never hold your ground, its pathetic at best,And at worst you are nothing but low and depressed.I will have you cling to the past and have PTSD,And though you have therapy sessions , you will still always have me.I will dig up your past trauma, problems and regret, No matter how hard you try, I will not let you forget.I will provide drugs and alcohol to help you to cope,Or maybe its to keep you on this declining slope,I am the rope around your neck, I will keep you restrained,Until you finally jump, because I cannot be contained.You can take pills and punch walls to try set me free,But within the walls of your mind is where I always will be.Now you take medication, to try calm me down,To flood me with chemicals and try make me drown,And although I am quiet now, I make barely a sound,One day I will return again, I am always around.And though you may have learned to leave your comfort zone,I will still always be here, when you feel alone.If you made it this far, thank you. IT GETS EASIER. and if you need help, please get it, those around you cannot afford to lose you. INTRUSIVE",Suicidal +15624,"Please I want to go so bad, what can I do to make it happen? Please can I just die?",Suicidal +15625,"I do not know what to say honestly.I am trying to stay away from weed. I have struggled with substance abuse in the past. I am so glad I am not doing hard drugs like I used to. But I am still having a hard time falling asleep at night... so now I am just drinking hard liquor. I know it is not a good alternative to weed but I do not know what to do. I lost my grandma last week, someone who i could rely on and that helped me thprugh tough times. Idk life just feels so messed up at the moment. Idk maybe I just want to express my feelings but life can feel so lonely sometimes. I have therapy but I feel like it does not help me at all. it is just that I feel so alone at night which really sucks. And I feel really guilty about drinking my pain away. Life just sucks. I really wish life could give me a moment of peace sometimes but it feels like life always tries to make my life as miserable as it can be. I hope your day is going better than mine. Have a good one guys I guess I am fucked",Depression +15626,we all know I am too much of a bitch to properly end my life. Just hoping I die in my sleep,Suicidal +15627,"Everyone in here kind of same spot in this life. We all have our reasons to be in that way. But one thing is clear that we all feel abandoned. Everyone that we connected does not understand/care for us. This sub made for us to express ourselves, so we could improve it further. We can get random partners from here( I have no idea about how to that) so we could talk about our problems while supporting each other. This could effect badly too, but also could give a chance to be known by someone else and I believe most of the people here never had this chance before. What are you people think about it? I have an offer",Suicidal +15628,"there is just so much....like a big block tower more and more pieces placed on it til it crumbles... I hope it is ok if I do not go in full detail on EVERYTHING it is a lot and I am trying not to focus on much of it...biggest of all though is I am approaching a 2 year anniversary of the last time I got to be around anyone my actual age that was a group therapy with adult supervision. Last time I was around anyone my age without supervision was....6? 6 years ago. I do not even know if that is abnormal or not..only people I am around are church and they are all 50+ years old. Other than my 28 year old brother who is the preacher.....I am homeschooled in a rural place with the nearest town being a 15-20 minute drive. I am expected to self teach myself a lot or I will get flunked. anyyywayyy the isolation a bunch of other things, the fact I am much more extroverted with constant isolation....I am struggling to tell myself to keep going. Almost daily I begin having a breakdown and want to give up but I always tell myself ""it will be ok I can keep going"" and carry on. But it is getting hard to keep doing that...",Suicidal +15629,I am so done with this website censuring what I write.. I want to spread pure hate of women then let me do it. Why so serious. College is all bs made up lies. Its all bs anyways just living like a hermit on a room is the way to live. Let me post whatever the fck I want,Depression +15630,"Honestly I was in a really low place a couple weeks ago, and I wanted to end it. Though music did help me express myself more than I previously thought. For me billy Joels- you are only human that really did it for me. what is your feel better song?",Depression +15631,I am coming to realize that almost all my old friends are not really good people and kind of take advantage of some things I offer. I am definitely not the greatest guy and life seems crushingly depressing for me right now but I am working on liking myself again and that means clearing negative influences from my life. these guys really the ONLY people I have hung out with since the beginning of high school in 2014. I am 21 now and I want to do so many things this summer but I now realize I might have to do them alone. unless I can make new friends I am probably going to fall back into that depression hole. Does anybody got advice on how to have fun and like being alone Making friends is hard anybody have advice on how to like hanging out by yourself,Depression +15632,"My mother neglects me, my father emotionally abused me, my sister bullied and basically emotionally abused and tormented me, I have never had proper friends and I was bullied mentally and physically pretty badly all the way through high school. It got so bad I was beaten so bad I now have a damaged retina in my left eye. A girlfriend I had on and off for about 3 years kept cheating on me breaking up with me then coming back to start the cycle all over again. Another gf just was with me because she feared being alone and left me when she found someone better. Now I have given up. Not just with people, but with life. All I do now is sit in my room taking drugs. Its all I have. I have not left the house in 3 years. No one texts me or phones me, not even family care. Fuck it. I am now 21 and I am completely ready to die. there is nothing for me here. there is nothing left. All I have ever wanted was to be wanted and loved by someone.",Suicidal +15633,"Out of curiosity does anyone (UK) know anyone I can get MDMA off ... (London)But that is not really the question there is not a question anymore all my life is is depression and anxiety issues. And I do not have a home I literally live in hotels the only thing keeping me off the street is my controversial job that people hate me for (not mentioning it here if you want to know its on my profile somewhere) So I have the stress of keeping a roof over my head with hotels no secure address no family bc they fucked me up minimal friends bc social anxiety gets the better of me depression that drains the living shit out of me so I cannot even get out of bed the whole day for weeks on end the only things that makes me temporarily happy is alcohol YouTube drugs, and sometimes Ill meet someone off the Internet just for a bit of excitement and they will make me feel better, oh but its never for long they always leave. Or I am to much to handle. Which is fine If I could control the way My life is I would. Partying drink drugs and meeting random strangers sometimes for temporary happiness is all I have got going for my life. At the moment. And I make more money than the average so why the fuck is it so hard to save ? Oh yeshh I am homeless and I have to live in the most expensive part of the uk to earn enough money to keep a roof over my head. Barely. Its lonely I am not on here for advice I am past that now I am just on here to spill my sorrows and feel sorry for myself, coz no one else will. do not need anyone to care or comment I am past the point of wanting anything from anyone. If I could choose to not exist I would. Imagine being able to flick a switch and sleep on demand for as long as you want Literally alcohol and YouTube are the only things that keep me going. And the occasional cocaine.. or even better mdma but that is hard to get hold of these days.",Depression +15634,"I have suffered for so long but managed to keep it hidden. Finally began opening up to people but I have still had a depression nest because its been the only place I have to myself where I can self care. I know this is a problem in itself. I have come home from a weekend away, already crying as I walked through the door and my mother just told me to relax, have a cup of tea and go to bed. I come to my bedroom and she is cleared throuhhh the whole room without even telling me or acknowledge ment that she is done it. I have a long term back problem which I regularly take over the counter medications for because my doctors surgery do not believe there is anything wrong with me. she would hidden my handbag in the toom which had the painkillers in and my anti anxiety medication in. I knocked her bedroom door and asked where it was and she just told me without mentioning anything and acting as if nothing had happened. I am having a complete meltdown and I have tried getting through to online mental health help and nothing is open and I feel so overwhelmed I cannot look anywhere in this room without not being able to breath. I do not think I can do this for much longer cannot breathe",Depression +15635,"And to be loved but that is too much to ask, obviously. I am out. I am tired of being nothing but a conquest and I am not fucking doing it anymore. cannot get hurt if you are dead (temple tap meme)If my family finds this, it was not your fault. I am done feeling hopeful just to get hurt and I am MUCH better off this way. I have finally reached my breaking point and I am more afraid to live than I am to die. At least nobody will use me anymore and I can finally get some sleep.Better luck and love to all of you, do not be like me. Be better. I imagine anything is better than this bullshit I have to feel everyday. it is time to let go. I never learned my lesson until now. Nobody will ever really want me for anything but fucking no matter what. I am not a love, I am a disposable fuck. I was, anyway. I am outie 5000 I just wanted someone to love",Suicidal +15636,"Half the time I live in a fantasy world because I do not want to live in reality. I just realised that that is the only thing keeping me going after I was forced to confront reality today. The future looks so bleak and hopeless: work like a dog until my body is old, tired and ill. I got a new job that I am due to start soon but I do not want to because I am so traumatised by the current one. But the system does not allow you to even take a couple of months to heal, otherwise how do you pay your bills? I barely feel joy or excitement anymore and do not like thinking of the future. The thought that this is the last year I will spend alive actually brings me comfort. I am not meant for this world",Suicidal +15637,"I do not know how people handle life. Life is unforgiving. Your choices have consequences. Not like video game consequences, real consequences. When you fuck up you better be ready for the suffering that comes with it. I fucked up at school. I was smart too. My parents paid for my expenses. I did not act responsible, and they do not know that I dropped out.I do not know how adults handle life. I do not understand how they can handle stress. I do not understand how they can stay responsible and not explode under pressure.Every night I see myself back in engineering school. I did not even know that was possible, I thought when people say stuff like this they were just exaggerating.How can someone like me hold a job? I do not know. My stomach sometimes hurts so much I think I developed some kind of phobia. I hold my pee because just seeing the bathroom gives me shakes. I have IBS, which means there is nothing wrong with my digestive system. Especially while I am pooping. How am I supposed to hold a job when I cannot even go to the bathroom because of my anxiety?I wish I was never born. I cannot see a way out. I do not know how longer I can withstand my digestive problems.Adults are doing their best. I can see that now. Back when I was young I thought I could do better. But seeing how difficult and painful life is, I would say most of the people I know, even the fuck ups, are genuinely trying to live a better life. I am the worst fuck up that I know. And I do not know what will happen to me. Something will have to budge, the pressure is becoming immense. I cannot eat, I cannot even drink water. I eat so little some days my mouth smells like puke. Because if I eat then the pain comes back. What the fuck am I going to do? I am the worst fuck up I know of.",Depression +15638,"A couple months ago I turned 17.People surrounding me are mentioning the fact of me turning 18 next year.Looks like everyone older than me is obsessed whit that shit.Also the comments and posts I see on reddit about being and adult,in general in social media,are so hopeless,""you get fat"",""you get more broke every year"",""you end doing the opposite of what your youngself wanted to do"".And then the same amount of people are the ones that claim to have a good and nice life.I genurly do not get it, every single year I progressively get worse whit my illness,and the future seems so dark.When I wake up I get sad,beacuse Its going to be another day of not doing anything that I like and. Feeling miserable.I cannot believe people drive cars whotouth the need of crashing,or see a window just for the view.....If every single day gets worse,how come I am supposed to enjoy this shit?I am so tired ..... Am I supposed to enjoy this?",Depression +15639,"that I attempted suicide two years ago?I will not get into the reasons why I need to, but how can I start that conversation? He did not know me at the time. How do I tell my friend",Suicidal +15640,"I have had everything I ever asked for twice and still I was unhappy and ungrateful. I am not the suicidal depressed more the laugh at myself and life sucks let us get on with it kind of depressed. I have a daughter with an incredible woman who I kind of broke many years ago, I left her when she needed me most. It tore her apart and 5 years later I am back with her but she only looks like that woman. She is not the same person and I am a twat for thinking she would be. The other time I got what I asked for was another woman, she was hands down the best person I had ever met. She could see I was just an emotionless void but my god she loved me, she wanted to spend her life with me, get a house, marriage etc. She was beautiful too but I just could not appreciate her for who she was. She begged and begged for me to stay as she loved me more than anything else. Threw her away and got back with the mother of my daughter. I warned the second woman many many times I am not a good person many times but she would not accept it and even after all this I do not think she is changed her opinion. Depression is horrible, not for what it can do to you but what it can do to others. Either life would have made me happy yet both times I have chucked it away. I know to many my complaints are trivial. Some of you guys have it so so much worse but guess that void just hits no matter how good your life can be. One day I will probably look back on this post and laugh but until that time I needed this. Just need it off my chest I suppose.",Depression +15641,"Does my life really just come down to my time at college, struggling and beating myself up for every imperfection, to working to make a living and be successful. I mess up so much more often than I did in high school and I just wonder if it will ever get good. Besides a few close friends I feel myself unable to connect with people my age. An amalgamation of failure, the desire to be better, and the mental exhaustion prohibiting that effort makes me so sad when looking forward to the future. I feel weak thinking about my future",Depression +15642,"I have friends. Some of them know I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. But I feel alone. it is a dumb way of thinking and I hate myself for it even more but... I am never invited to something unless I ask/arrange it. I rarely get messages from them, I have to start conversations, when I am visibly upset they do not even seem to notice it. It pains me to hear when they got together and did stuff, for some time I actively thought they hated me. Now it is summer and everyone is having fun being around each other and I am here alone. I feel so alone",Suicidal +15643,I am never happy. I genuinely cannot make meaningful connections with people and I am not really important to anyone. I do not want to live my life alone and depressed so I might as well kill myself. But was angers me about what others say is that they will miss me. Yeah you will be sad for like three weeks then continue on with your life. So why should I live for you when I cannot even live for myself. Suicide may be selfish but so is everyone else. I am tired of living for other people,Suicidal +15644,I do not know if its enough or anything I am on a cliff. its kind of pretty. I think I am still too scared to jump. Took some pills,Suicidal +15645,I am just filled with so much anxiety thinking about when I am going to do it and planning it out pls help anxiety,Suicidal +15646,"I work to ""save money for college"" but i intend on dying before i go to college. I work for basically inherent reason, but i am still pressed to go because everyone else insists that I am going to end up not killing myself. If I was born rich i would at least get to spend my final weeks alive in peace instead of having to waste hours of my life to win a piece of paper I cannot do anything with. Every morning I dread having to work, and consider crashing my car into something just to avoid having to go. The only things keeping me alive currently are fear of death and the desire to do things i enjoy doing one more time before I die. My only hopes left are that I either somehow get killed suddenly by something, anything at all, which would circumvent the need to do it myself, or that I win the lottery and gain an excuse to quit my job and live out my final days the way I wish.It seems so stupid, right? That humanity has locked itself in this cage of misery and then purposely made the only key, suicide, as hard as possible to obtain for most people. Its like the collective mass of humans would rather see every individual member of the species suffer than allow even a single one of us to escape. We all have to die at some point, but for some reason choosing that point for yourself instead of having your last shreds of life savagely beaten out of you by disease and age is seen as wrong and something that needs to be corrected.No one has the right to force me to keep living. It feels as though no one would be selfish enough to demand that I keep feeling this endless pain because it is convenient for them, but that is what those around me do. ""But if you hang yourself, someone will have to find your body!"" they say, as if someone witnessing my lifeless corpse and then telling the police to come cut me down could ever compare to the agony of existence. ""If you jump off a building, someone below could get hurt!"" they say, as if they have not just denied me many easier forms of ending my existence. If anyone causes a bystander of my death to be hurt, it will be whatever cruel architect, whether it be fate or god or man itself, constructed this tyranny in the first place. Seeing someone free themselves from life should be a happy thing, as it is proof that we have the truest form of free will, the real right to choose not felt by any other form of life on earth. The right to deny every controlling force that attempts to shape our lives and to tell the world that I refuse the grand plan set out by whatever cosmic force brought me into existence in the first place. Not only do I refuse this plan, I abhor it as a plan wrought with cruelty.There is no reason for this, and that is what frustrates me the most. There is no reason, whether based on emotion, spirituality, or science, that I should be pressed to continue with my life aside from the fact that it is convenient to those around me if I live, and an inconvenience if I were to die.Just let it end. Just let me end. This pointlessness needs to stop. There has not been a point, there is not a point, and there will not be a point. Meaninglessness",Depression +15647,"I have been wanting to be dead for years. Just waiting and wanting. Just because I have some good moments does not change all the bad I do. No amount amount of good will change the bad. No matter how hard I try to better and even if I seem to be better it is just a matter of time before I revert back to the monster I am and seems l'll always be. I am pushing a boulder up a hill and no matter how close I get to the top it rolls back down, I just wish it would finally end me for good. Why does dying have to be hard like everything else",Suicidal +15648,"if you think about it, there is no point in living. there is not. why are we even here? I am so tired of everything. i do not want to fight anymore. my mood swings happen multiple times a day and i cannot control them. people always judge me for them and I am so fucking sick of it. my therapist parents mock me for it. my friends swear they understand but then ask why i cannot just be happy for once. no one gets it. I am on medications and they do not even fucking help. i have not had a therapist for months. my room is always a mess. i saw my aunt today and she smiled at me and said she was glad i am better. i will never get better. why cannot people just understand that this is how i just am. i cannot control it or change it. I have been trying for years. if i do not feel better soon, i do not think i can do this anymore. ill just be another teenage suicide on the statistic chart. I am so fucking tired.",Suicidal +15649,"When we were still together.23rd of december 2019 my then boyfriend killed himself by hanging in an psyciatric ward. A week before this he had taken a lot of benzos and i had been at a night shift. So when i came home in the morning i went straight to bed. I noticed he had fallen asleep on the couch but i did not want to wake him up. 6h later i wake up and go to pee and whatever you do when you wake up. When i passed the trash next to the kitchen i noticed all these emtpy benzo boxes. I rushed to the couch and he was drooling and could barely keep his eyes open, so i smacked his face (not as in abusive but trying to wake him up and calling his name) he was kind of awake but like a zombie. So i tried to get him to stand up and go to the bed to ""sleep it off"" (i was going to call for an ambulance but a month before this he had taken a box of paracet and i called the ambulance and he got so mad at me) but i did not care about him getting mad, i was going to call but as soon as he got up on his feet he wanted to have sex. I tried to lay him down, and told him we could not because i was tired etcetc not trying to put it on him and that he was a fucking zombie at the time. But he pushed me to the bed and held me down, i almost could not believe it cus a minute ago he could barely stand and now he was pushing me on the bed basicslly trying to do it against my will.He could not get an erection because of all the benzo and i was relived. But he started crying, saying he was not a man cus he could not get his dick up so i started comforting him(?) Telling him we could watch a movie or anything else to get him distracted so i could call the ambulance (i know i should have done that when i saw the boxes in the trash cannot do much about it now) But his ""manhood"" was ruined so he needed to go out and take some amphetamine. And when i tried to block the bedroom door he took his hand around my troat and squeesed and pulled me away and threw me on the floor. He then looked for his wallet and phone so me being filled with adrenaline, got up and blocked the door going to the hallway. He then toon a knife and pressed it against my throat and said ""I have stabbed my brother, imagine what i could do to you"" and i just remeber telling him ""fine, alright. I will move away from the door now"" and i did and he walked off. I looked out the window until i could not see him anymore, and when i could not it was as if my whole body just went numb. I remember falling to the ground because i could not feel me knees/legs/anything waist down and cried while calling my best friend who is on the other side of the country. She had to guide me on who to contact cus shw knew i had made two new friends in the city. So i called them both, 1st had visitors so i just hung up, called my bff again and she told me to call the other person (my now boyfriend and my ex's best friend) and he had to guide me through the phone on what to do, step by step. He told me to get a bag, how many of different clothes and to get out of there and he would meet me at the 1st guy i called apartment. I stayed there for a week, i did not dare to answer my then bf calls, texts or even tell anyone where i was cus i was scared of telling any one else what had happened. So i turned off my phone. A week later my friend got a call from the police cus they knew i was there. And they told me it was critical and i had to get to the hospital.He died that day, and i was planning to follow him to the other side. Both me and his best friend (my now boyfriend).. idk found each other in grief? Lifted each other up, we understood each other and what we went trough so we fell in love, and all of a sudden we both wanted to live for each other. It happened fast, not going to lie. 2 months later we were in a relationship.Now my ex's family is blaming me for his death even tho i had already 'saved' him 5 times from suicide in 10months, before i met him he had tried to take his life 30 times or more. Idk why i let his family make me feel like shit but it fucking sucks and it fucking hurts knowing that these people knew what he had done, how many times he had tried before and now i have to suffer from it. I am still with his best friend, and he honestly saved my life. I know i should be happy with just that but i cry everytime I am alone and i talk/cry to empty rooms and empty chairs, basically shouting at my ex's ghost. Its everything from telling him I am sorry to yelling how much i hate him for what he put me throug.Idk what i needed from this post, maybe just to share it cus his familu does not believe me. They believe i cheated cus i got together with his bff 2 months after his death.If someone made it this far please tell me how to move away from this, I am so tired of feeling like it really was my fault My ex killed himself",Suicidal +15650,"The key to pain. I want to say sorry to myself today. I do not want my tears to turn to pouring rain. I want to say sorry to myself today. How many times have I tried to let go of pain?it is been too many times.I have felt sad inside. My heart on my sleeve. I want to run and hide. Anxiety, will not you leave?Then, I found youI felt something new, warm, and safe. The strength from your heart left me awake. I am ready to forgive myself today. I feel joy more than pain.I want to forgive myself today. But why cannot I?I wanted to die. My thoughts race away. I want to be free. I want to feel peace. I will be stronger now. I want to be at ease.I did not do anything wrong. I do not need to say sorry. I do not need this shame. I am not to blame. I forgave myself today. I am singing in the rain. I let go of suffering. I forgave myself today, and let me be me. Need to feel understood and for a little inspiration? here is a song my friend wrote who I met in the mental hospital",Depression +15651,Hey you all. Anyone ever OD'd on Hydroxyzine (10 mg) and Benadryl (25 mg)?Just wondering. Thoughts ?,Suicidal +15652,Post and tell me if this are not accurate AF? Joyner Lucas I am Sorry Song,Depression +15653,"I do not know why my brain does this, but I cannot even do anything for enjoyment anymore because everytime I try to do something for fun, my brain thinks way too much about it and it stresses me out and saps the fun out of everything. I think about which game would bring me more enjoyment, which song would bring me more emotion, which activity I really want to do and I never know man. I am stressed out by everything that I used to do for fun. I cannot make up my mind about anything anymore. it is so hard I just want to feel better but I feel bad for no reason all about everything why. Overthinking has taken all enjoyment out of everything...",Depression +15654,I really thought I had reached a turning point. I thought I could keep going for my friends I thought I could find the courage to tell people how I was really feeling and to ask for help when I need it but every time I come up short and I realize I am not good enough and I do not deserve to get better and there is no point anyway and the only way I will ever be loved is if I am dead.I know I want to recover and I know recovery is not a straight line. I do not deserve to recover. I do not deserve to get better.I do not know what to do anymore. I thought I was getting better,Suicidal +15655,"I was here a few months back with a broken foot, two torn rotator cuffs, failing liver and kidneys, Lyme disease, an abusive family who recently cut me off, $15,000 in medical debt not even including the cost of the treatments I need to keep myself able to function at all, unable to work, and virtually bedridden. My entire future, gone. Just like that.Things got better for a while. I pulled myself out of it enough to see a light at the end of the tunnel; I was seeing results from herbal treatments, starting to write again, learning to be back in public, trying to move out, and even got a job briefly. I started dating someone new, who is absolutely incredible and exactly the person I needed, and I love them so so much. And then, all in the past two weeks, I tore my rotator cuffs again, re-broke my foot, my partner is moving 17 hours away to pursue their dreams (which I have done my best to support them in, but honestly it is killing me), I got a UTI and was put back on antibiotics that have put me back into liver and kidney failure, and I have ran out of money to afford lyme treatment, so I have very little hope of finding a way to get back to working again anytime soon. I do not qualify for disability for various reasons, and cannot find decent medical care, even if I could afford to pay for it.I hate asking for help, and I am too afraid to accept it if it is offered. The people I am staying with currently are nearing the end of their patience with me, and I am too. I do not feel like I deserve to get better this time, but that just leaves me standing on top of this parking garage, shaking and too scared to actually jump, in case I would fail again.Things were better for a while. I got cocky; I felt safe. I ruined it again. I am staring down the barrel of a cancer diagnosis. I do not know how to do this anymore and I do not have the patience to wait on myself to get better anymore. I do not feel comfortable taking pain medication because the reason I am disabled in the first place is due to not registering pain enough until it is become chronic. I was not depressed anymore, either, and now it is back because it is circumstantial (go figure - I personally am unable to take antidepressants due to medical issues anyway.) Anyway. I just... I do not know how to keep going. I do not know how to keep going. I absolutely despise myself, I do not know how to do this anymore. If I do not kill me, the cancer will. Either way, I am going to die alone, with my partner across the country, and my family will put my birth name on my gravestone. I just cannot do this anymore. really burned out, ruined everything again, probable cancer, medical debt, I just cannot anymore",Suicidal +15656,"All I can do is hope that my depression goes away, which is a shot in the dark. It has not gone away since last year and I do not see it going away any time soon. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I do not leave my house anymore. My garbage is piling up and I am too scared to step out my door. The only way I can get help is if I try to kill myself, because only then people ""care"" Giving up trying to get help",Depression +15657,"Women actually suck bc they ignore me, leave me, do not care about my depression. Fcking hate women and the men for taking my women. All humans suck but women hurt me and ignore me now Women suck",Depression +15658,"Pretty much the title. Someone knows if that is normal?Any tips on what i should do? Had a month or so without depressed, it came back a week ago.",Depression +15659,"I have learned over the years that therapist and pills are both such a joke. Doctors prescribed me antidepressants that fucked up my system I lost so much weight, had shakes, and made me feel worse.I stopped taking them without my family knowing and just put on a face everyday as hard as it was. I have seen 3 therapists in my life had them try put me back on pills and I refused, exposed secrets to my family, and showed a lack of interest in my pain. What kind of world is there where we resort to people who listen to your problems for a paycheck and if that does not help the just try give you these pills that mess your mind and body up. I am so done Therapy & Pills",Suicidal +15660,"but its fine, I have given up it hurts to breathe",Suicidal +15661,"I am religious, depressed, and addicted to pornography. If I feel like crap it seems like I just want some positive stimulus so I relapse into consuming pornographic content. Then I feel even worse. The guilt of not living up to christian standards I want to live up to is so damn heavy. I am a Christian, I believe in god fully and would never change that. I got he late last night 3:00am. Then I stayed up until 4:30am watching porn. I woke up at 1:00pm feeling terrible and that I will never accomplish anything in my life. I do not want to kill myself, but sometimes I wish I could quietly slip into the sleep of death. I have myself and the choices I make. I want to be so much in life but I feel like Everytime I start coming up in a positive way I crash back down twice as hard. I turn 22 soon. but for what? I do not know what to do with myself",Depression +15662,"I am going to quit my job tomorrow. I just cannot do it anymore. Its the only thing I have in my life, its all I do. I do not even like the industry, and the new owners pushed out/fired most of the people I knew.I have no savingsI have a lot of debtLast December, I was begging my family to put me in a mental institution. They convinced me to move to a HCOL area instead.I cannot do thisI do not want to be hereIm too fucking stupid to successfully hit the eject button. So, I am just not going to do this anymore. No more work. No more showers. No more bills. I am sure Ill be evicted. I do not care anymore. Let the streets take me. I have lost all my hobbiesNothing brings me joyI do not have a car, a goal, or a friend. I do not want to be alone anymore.I do not want to be hereI do not care about anything I am giving up",Depression +15663,"What do you do when you are at your absolute lowest. I hate my job and I cannot think straight about what other job I want because I am always there. When I am not I just want to forget who I am and play games with my friends. I lost my love. My self worth is non existent. My therapist wants me to go on anti depressants as she is drained and thinks they will put fuel in my fire as I do not seem to have any. Haunted by things I want but cannot get like a decent relationship and someone that loved me and does not further hurt me. I just cannot get my shit straight. I am scared of the anti depressants. I am scared of my depression. I live for my family and just not to put them through pain. But I just cannot make any headway. I cannot feel good about myself or think yes, I can. Only no, I cannot. I am worthless and scared of everything.I feel like I am treading water. Delaying the inevitable one day at a time. Work.. work work bloody work.",Depression +15664,"After my mom got sick and has been tormented, tortured and has suffered so much, I really just do not want to stay here anymore. It seems she is getting worse daily, and I want to go with her when she goes. I just do not feel happy in this world and I have not in ages. I would notice everyone around me having such normal straight ended lives but mine was always a mess and felt derailed and hard. I do not understand why leaving a toxic relationship is considered good but when life is toxic leaving is considered bad?Anyways aside from that I am just ready to go like I really just hope an afterlife exists, I do not want to kill myself because I am scared but like I am ready to go naturally. The only thing that scares me is that there is nothing after :/But This world just is not for me. :/ Feel like I am ready to go",Suicidal +15665,"Every day I do nothing but play videogames and smoke weed. I have not had a job in like a year, I have no real interests. I have completely fucked up my life. Hoping that I can gather enough strength to finally shoot myself in the head and end this constant pain. I am useless",Depression +15666,"Hi! I will be as brief as possible and I will try to lay this out clearly. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post!Background: I am going through rather a hard time at the moment. I had to take off work until September due to severe depression, which I have suffered with for about 7 years now. It came to a head last year, when my pretty horrible boyfriend of nearly a decade finally left me. This is the first time I have ever had to go on ""sick leave,"" and I hate it. I am so, so lucky that I have this option, but I still feel embarrassed and frustrated that it is come to this point. Problem: I have been seeing a psychologist and he always tells me to make friends. he is been harping on it for the last few weeks and this last Friday he gave it to me as my ""homework,"" for our next session. Truth be told I really, really want a good friend because I have never actually had one before. My problem is that I have already *tried* to make new friends, and it went horribly. Back in February he gave me a similar piece of ""homework,"" and I ended up emailing some people I know pretty well from work and church. I worked hard on the emails, personalized them, and I had really high hopes when I sent them out. Hopes which were dashed when nobody responded to any of the emails. I feel crazy admitting this, but this put me in a pretty horrible state for a while and really killed what was left of my self esteem. I honestly do not think I will ever be ready to do that again, because another rejection like that could actually kill me. I do, however, recognize that I have to pull myself back up and try again if I ever want to get better.Question: What is the safest way for a very sensitive, sad woman to make friends? Is there any way to reach out to people with less risk of rejection? All the mental health websites I can find recommend ""reaching out to people,"" or ""making friends"" but none of them tell me what to do in the event that nobody wants to be my friend. I am just really, really scared of being rejected again. What is the safest way for a very depressed woman to make new friends?",Depression +15667,"Music is all I have. And that is okay, music is all I need. Fuck the fake friends, fuck watching videos that remind me I am more alone. Shoutout to music for making me feel better temporarily",Depression +15668,"Around 2 years ago I was really sad and suicidal and never told anyone. I thought life was over for me, but then a girl entered my life and she became my whole world. I became happier then ever, i felt as joyous as i had been when i was a kid. We did everything together. I knew that my life had meaning when i was with her. We where controlling over each other and we both prioritized each other as number one. We got jealous of each other and there where bitter moments because we could not seem to do anything without one another. We made boundaries and i broke a boundary she felt very dearly about. She broke up with me and i felt my whole world fall apart. I am filled with guilt, loneliness, and bitter sweet nostalgia that i cannot seem to get over. I cannot think of a reason to be alive. I only ever wanted to be here when i was with her and now she is gone. I feel worse then before i met her and i cannot stand this feeling in my heart of desperate sadness and longing to be with someone who will never be either you again. I hate to sound this vulnerable. Idk what to do",Suicidal +15669,I feel like i should choose to end my life when I am ready and i feel like 30 is good. Honestly I do not care to do anything. I already lack motivation and drive to do anything. We all die eventuallyso why cannot I just pick my date. Did i get everything i want out of this lifeNo. I do not want to live in this cycle of work home work home. I see no purposeno meaning. I just want to live till 30 and that is it.,Suicidal +15670,"Its just unbearable. Nothing helps. I cannot bear listening to others success stories or good news. They no longer inspire me, but remind me of what I will never have.",Depression +15671,"I am at fucking breaking point.. I seriously cannot stand it I am not strong enough to go through another week. I cannot be taken for granted anymore, I cannot be treated like this anymore, I cannot be a fucking punching bag for the people I love anymore... I do not have it in me anymore its over I cannot fucking do it!! I want to fucking die.. I do not see a way forward I do not see the point anymore. I am so full of anger there is so much I want to say to certain people in my life but I am too scared of what they will do or say to me. They would not physically harm me, but the things they say, the isolation then after it, I am already so lonely if I say how much they fucking hurt me they will either ignore me for days or not see me for weeks and I cannot handle that!! I have already been so alone through all the lock downs for the 14 months.. I do not know how to let them say the horrible shit they do and just take it on the chin. I used to lash back. I used to fight back, but now I am broken. I will end up fully alone if I fight back anymore, If I stand up for myself I will end up alone with my thoughts. My thoughts will be the end of me. I will have to remember all the trauma that is happened in the past. I will be alone with nothing to take my mind off it.. But if I stay quiet then I will not be alone and ill get to escape this pain, for another kind of pain. Only.. I do not know which is worse anymore. I feel invisible... No one actually knows just HOW much they hurt me with the things they say. Now I want to hide from the people I love most because they make me hate myself more than I already do. The worst part is.. They have not said anything to me that I have not already said to myself... No one hates me more than I do.. But hearing them also say the things I have said to myself?? Well I guess I had a sliver of hope that it was not that way. But it is. The only way I will make it is if I disconnect... I have started already and I think people are starting to notice, they say things like ""oh I wish you could talk to me about how you are feeling, it is a shame you cannot vent to me.."" but what do they honestly fucking expect.. They have seen how unhappy I am, when I say how I feel they fight with me over it!!!!! I do not know why I am writing this.. I do not want attention, I do not want to seem like I am an attention seeker, but I guess this feels like a diary.. I know this is all over the place, I am just saying what is in my head at this point. I can say what I feel and no one knows who I am. No one will ever know. Jesus fucking christ I do not think I can do this anymore....",Depression +15672,"So, I am having this weird sort of experience where I am accepting the fact that I will suicide, and I am looking forward to the day where I have everything set up just right. ? Okay. Anticipation",Suicidal +15673,"I have been in a never ending cycle of shame and sadness. I think about ending it everyday and all my reasons for wanting to leave make me feel like such an ass.I just moved to a different state with my husband, out of a condo we owned and into a much smaller rented apartment I am lucky because I have someone who loves me and I do not have to work right now. All my needs are taken care of and we do not want for anything.I was born with dental problems and am in the process of getting all new teeth. My temporary teeth just broke so I am back to no teeth for the rest of the month and it pushed me over the edge. There are people that would kill to be me and I fucking hate myself.I hate that I am such a brat. There are people who are homeless, that have no teeth, that spend their entire lives working just to make ends meet. And yet I am miserable because I cannot appreciate how lucky I am.Tears are streaming down my face because I think I am insane. My life has not been perfect, but I feel sick when I compare my life to those far less fortunate than me. I have no reason to feel like this and it makes me hate being here even more. I do not deserve it. I wish I could trade lives with someone who has a real desire to live.I feel bad for my husband, he tries so hard and I just bring him down. he is one of the only reasons I am still here, I could never leave him because I love him more than life. I could never hurt him like that.My self hatred is killing me from the inside out and I do not know how to stop. I think I am addicted to hating myself. I have first world problems and I do not know how to stop hating myself.",Suicidal +15674,Any things I should do on my last day? I am thinking of ending it tommorow.,Suicidal +15675,"Because of my anxiety (and depression?) I live in constant fear and sadness. I am so afraid especially with everything related to my 2 year old son. I fear that I cannot control myself when he makes me angry, I will hurt him and traumatize him for life, just like I have been hurt and traumatized in the past by my own parents.I fear that when he accidentally hurts himself, I cannot help. When he was a baby, he almost choked on his food and I froze completely. Thankfully his mother did not freeze. That incident haunts me every day. It makes me so sad that my little boy had bad luck in life and he was born with me as his dad. He deserves better. My wife deserves better. I deserve better. Because of my anxiety I cannot even drive a car and every social contact scares me shitless. I do not have any friends and I try to avoid social contacts as much as I can, that includes all my relatives too. As a man I am a complete failure. I cannot fix anything, I am not socially competent, I am poor, uneducated, a bad father and a lousy husband. Complete and utter loser and a total failure. I am too coward to seek or ask any help and no one knows how I feel. Everyone thinks that I am just a cold-hearted asshole, but that is so far from the truth. It hurts me so much that I cannot show my loved ones how much I truly love them. Only times my life is somewhat tolerable is when I am alone, but I cannot be alone all the time because I have to work and take care of my family as best as I can. When I am alone at least I can cry freely. I feel completely exhausted all the time and no amount of sleep fixes that. My heart feels like it will come out of my chest, I feel like I am suffocating and I feel like that I am about to faint. My mind is dull, like I am in somekind of fog. I do not feel any joy, just sadness and apathy. I do not have energy to play with my son or treat my wife with the affection she deserves. Every time I am alone with my son I am so afraid that I almost cry, and when he is especially difficult I sometimes just cannot help myself and I openly cry and yell to him. I am such a piece of shit and he deserves better. I know that killing myself will hurt my loved ones, but I just do not care anymore. It will be better for them in the long run. I do not want to ruin my son's life anymore. His life will be better without a mentally unstable parent. My life would have been too. I just do not want to be always afraid, unhappy and exhausted anymore. I tried my best, but I just do not have the strenght to live anymore. I just do not have the strenght to live anymore",Suicidal +15676,"I think about my life. I feel bad. I think about the fact I do not remember not feeling like this. I think about how I could have made different choices to make my life better. I remember I have no one. I remember its because I am a terrible person. I hate myself.I hate myself even more for feeling sad when there are people in this world suffering far beyond I could imagine, yet I cry and feel sorry for myself. I realise that is why I am a terrible person who no one wants to be around. I cry and sleep. Wake up.again. Never ending cycle.",Depression +15677,"Ok so I never really used this place to rant. I had an horrible childhood that led me to become overly shy in public. Yes a man who can be socially insecure. I can already hear everyone running away. It seems like the worst thing for most people for some reason. It comes with lot of problems but I will cut right to the chase - I have so much trouble finding a woman that you would not even believe me if I told you the stories... I had so many opportunities of women coming to me, seducing me, doing the first steps and I messed most of them. The 2 times I tried doing the first steps it worked well but I chocked out and could not handle the pressure. Also I would give you examples but I doubt this place is NSFW even though people just openly discuss about death. I had something happened to me yesterday... pure torture seriously. it is like the devil or bad luck is playing with my soul. Anyways. I wish there was a way to find love easily for overly shy people. Whenever a cute girl comes to talk to me I just freeze and it is like I cannot find anything to think or say. They either think I am rude or not interested.. well that is what I presume at least. Sometimes I even ignored some of them even though I really wanted them. what is wrong with me? I tried seeing some doctors and shrinks about my shyness issues but it did not work. Now I live by myself and it sucks seeing everyone around me, every single person, is in couple or dating someone. And it seems so easy for them. I could try some dating app but I am too depressed to even try. Plus I feel they are lame. I do not know what to say. I am just in a real mess. It pisses me off you know? I do not know maybe I should stop caring. Maybe I should stop giving a shit and start drinking. I feel like I am trapped and I have been thinking about ending it recently. My life is simply not worth it. I am never drinking but tonight I might get drunk. being overly shy really sucks",Suicidal +15678,"i need ways to kms. before anyone starts I am more than capable of making my own choices, do not talk me out of it. if you help me you will not be responsible for anything, except making it more painless. I was planning to use the helium method however i have little to no money, and cannot buy the resources. Even then helium sold in party shops are not 100% pure so I am not sure if it would work. And i do not want there to be any chances of failure. i want it to be successful and easy.I have no access to a gun, i am not going to hang myself or slit my wrists (traumatic for family). i have thought about overdosing but its rare that it will be successful and I am sure someone will find me before i die. i also do not know which and how much medication to take. My parents have already hid the medication so i do not know where i will buy it. the only other thing i can think of is jumping off somewhere but 1) there are not high places where i live 2) idk who will find my body and i do not want to accidentally traumatise a little child.So if anyone has any suggestions that are not too technical and will guarantee success i will appreciate it. Please I am desperate. I am desperate. Please help.",Suicidal +15679,"Hello there. I am going through a very difficult period for a few years and I cannot seem to find the light at the end of the tunel.I am just an average guy, 19 years old. I do not know what is wrong with me. When I go out with people (which happens very rarely), I just overthink everything they say and try to see if their words actually represent any hidden messages, if they are talking about me, etcetera.I always feel like they invite me just out of politeness and that I am actually not welcome there. I just cannot wait to get home and be on my own.When I get home, I usually drink or smoke weed by myself and that is the moment when all the tension and anxiety accumulated throughout the day finally let us go of me. I fucking hate it, really.I also do this because I cannot sleep. I just lie in my bed for hours and think about all my problems and all that could go wrong when I am sober. The night is usually even harder for me than the day.Sometimes when I go out I can pretend all is well, I laugh and tell all my friends how great my life is, how happy I am and all of that. I am obviously lying because I do not trust any of them and cannot open up to anyone. Not even my family.I fantazise about having a girlfriend, traveling the world with her and waking up with her in my arms. This is what keeps me going. The problem is that I completely forgot how to talk to any girl. My last (and first) girlfriend was when I was 15. I was different back then. I had sex with her, but she was the only one. I love her and I hate her for what she has become. She has obviously moved on, even though I was the one to break up with her.I tried sites like meetup, just to meet some people to talk to. I signed up for an event and when I got there I completely froze and I went back to my car and drove home. I just cannot socialize anymoreI thought about suicide, but fortunately I still have a tiny bit of hope that I might get through this. However, it does not look too good for me.I just need a friend to talk to. I need a girl to love me for who I am and to understand me. I am tired of recording voice memos and talking to my phone just to get some weight of my chest. Anyways, sorry if I ruined your mood but I had to get it off my chest. Its been 4 years. cannot get myself to open up",Depression +15680,"I am almost 18, and although I was quite popular in high school, I have never had a gf. I was wondering if its worth going on just to have that experience. I am just looking for reasons to stay Is love worth living for?",Suicidal +15681,"I am so tired, no matter how much i try and better myself or challenge myself my thoughts always just come back to this. I will not ever be happy in this world and how it is now. Everything is a chore, everyday is pressure. I am from the UK, so i cannot get hold of a gun which would solve everything. Why is not there a good option for us to end it all if we do not want to be here? I do not want it anymore",Suicidal +15682,"I lose motivation quick unless its something I am passionate about or I keep reminding myself of it. I have always been one to take part in activities that waste my time and now at almost 20 I feel like if I continue to do so, life will pass me by like it did my parents. I have a fire deep inside to become successful in life (we all have different perspectives on success) and I really want to make my life fulfilling in some way. I have battled depression since I was about 13 or so, starting with being left out of things growing up. Which led me to pick up things that waste my time instead of going outside. Now I have turned those time wasting things into wasting time with physical activity. But I want to make it happen in my life financially. I want to move to a new place and make new friends. I do not want to live miserably all my life because my family is linked with hereditary depression. I want to coexist with this monster. Should I look into finding a mentor that can provide insight? Should I make sticky notes to remind myself to keep at it every single day? The initial step to get out of my current rut has been taken, but I do not know where to go from here. Anything you all say will be taken to heart by me. I really mean what I say here. Thanks for taking the time to read this. How can I stay motivated when I find it much harder for motivation to be internally produced in my mind?",Depression +15683,Posting from my throwaway acct: I am a 24 year old mom and wife and I hate my life. I feel myself getting increasingly irritated with my husband to the point that the idea of intimacy irritates me. I feel like I should not have gotten married. I want to be alone often. I also do NOT have the tolerance for my toddlers behavior. Some days I regret having him. I have a therapist but we do not talk about this a lot. Just venting :(None of the things that usually make me happy are right now. I do not know what to do. I regret getting married and having kids,Depression +15684,"So i posted something along the same line as this in a reply to another post but an idea that i would like to share that has helped me alot is the acceptance of meaninglessness. People go on and on about finding your own meaning or finding meaning in a god/gods but why does there have to be a meaning? Who says that we have to devote our entire lives to one thing; one because or purpose. Personally, i do not think there is one. I personally think that there is no god or afterlife. No omnipotent being that says we have to live a certain way or do a certain thing to gain favor. And i think that that means that we can live our lives anyway we want to. So, to get to the point, if life is completely meaningless then all we have left to live for is personal gratification. Why not spend our 80 year long lifespan doing what makes us happiest? Now, finding what makes you happy is a journey all on its own but once you do, why not just...go for it? After all, its all we got on this ball of dust and water. The Acceptance of Meaninglessness",Depression +15685,"I cannot perform with an actual partner, and so I shy away from people in my life who like me. Today I just broke an almost 20 day streak of not masturbating and now I am just sitting here depressed. I do not feel like a man, and who wants to be with someone who can perform fully. I hate myself.Who the fuck is going to want me like this. I am Addicted to masturbation, and I have erectile dysfunction with when I am with an actual partner. I hate myself",Depression +15686,"I am 25m and a graduate student. So I have been abusing alcohol a little too much lately, as much as I can afford. it is been some days and it is become a routine thing now. Idk if I can call it binge drinking yet. Long story short - I cannot do a thing right, never have. I do not want to either. I am not passionate about anything in life. One of my parents has completely disowned my and the other wants to let go of me as soon as possible. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in life interests me( except drinking). I have no passion, no intersts or hobbies. I do not have the incentive, motivation or the resources to go out there and find my thing. I do not have the motivation to survive left in me either. If my folks throw my ass out on the streets tomorrow, I would rather starve and die than beg/borrow/steal/work. In the short run, there are multiple assingments that I am supposed to cover but none of that shit seems doable because I just do not feel like I will be able to do it. And before some of you say something about how I have come this far and how much I need to push through, let met tell you people something - I am done. This is as far as I can go. The past is embarrassing and there is nothing to look forward to in the future. I know I am going to live and die absolutely alone. The way I see it, a job that supporst my drinking tendecies should be good enough till I drink myself to death. Any idea on how long it will take me to drink/smoke myself to death? OR Is there an alternative to all this? Tl;dr Should I drink and smoke myself to death or live a life of misery for the rest of my days? It feels like nothing in my life matters except alcohol.",Depression +15687,"I know I am not allowed to ask this, and that this will probably get removed, but please I just want to know. I think if I do not find something easy I will probably resort to suffocation. it is painful but at least I will not be here anymore. I kind of want to stab myself as well because I feel like I deserve that. Any advice is welcome, thank you. What is the best, most effective way to do it?",Suicidal +15688,I am tired of these emotions and predetermined personality this piece of meat came with. Soon I will join the shared consciousness of the world. Hopefully I will have the courage to do it one day. I am ready to leave this physical body.,Suicidal +15689,We all know this. We live with it every day. But perhaps we can send good words to each other. we are a team!!!!!!! Depression sucks,Depression +15690,"What gets me through the day is that the night will always come, and I always, always feel some degree of better when darkness settles across the world. Knowing that if it ever gets too bad there is a ""Never-ending Night"" keeps me in some small cruel comfort. The Fact that there is ""A Way Out"" is comforting to me.",Suicidal +15691,If I was kidnapped and they said that You will feel love for 30 minutes. You will get that hug you have been wanting all your life. You will finally hold someone is hand. Someone will finally hold you in their arms. Then you will be swiftly executed I would take that deal in a heartbeat. Because this is literally the only way I would ever experience those things. I fucking hate myself. I would die to feel loved for half an hour.,Depression +15692,Still wondering is there is any cure it is worst than cancer you live in jail of misery all of time I have no power to do anything What is the point of this? Is there is cure for mental illness ?,Depression +15693,"I started therapy 8 years ago, how much longer should I try? 10, 20, 30 more years? if until I die then why? is not it guaranteed a therapy will not help jack shit after few decades? and even if it will help after 30 years then what good will it be while I will be 60 years old loser without a job, friends, girlfriend, basically without life, if I get better at 60 is as if I was born at 60 because I never had a normal life. At what point I should give up?",Depression +15694,"I feel like I have tried every medication over the years. I was on Zoloft for a literal decade and have only just weaned off it and went onto Wellbutrin. I am also on Lamictal to stabilize my moods. However the Wellbutrin, while it gives me energy is making me extremely short tempered and aggravated. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist in a couple days about adjusting my meds and might ask about a low dose of Zoloft along with the Wellbutrin, but I just really do not want to be on three different mood meds at the same time. Has anyone been in this situation- suggestions? Medication questions",Depression +15695,"Right now I am sick of it. I am really trying to be nice but not for recognition but because everyone has their struggles and I would like to make people smile or at least have a breathbecause life is shit and everybody needs happy moments in their life.But even though this is not for fame or so it is not that I am not struggling too. I have social anxiety and I try to overcome it but people ignore me when I chat them/need them. I need some thankfulness.I am tempted to become an ass so hard right now. To overthrow every virtue I know. Because a ""Thank you, here is some compensation(?)."" is not asked too much for.But when I become an ass I act on my suicidal depression and everybody tells me that depression is not an excuse to be an ass. BUT IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE! NOBODY IS HERE HELP ME. Everybody walks over me",Suicidal +15696,"I was just starting to get into a good groove. I was eating better, exercising, and starting to enjoy my hobbies again. Pre-pandemic, things were not looking all that bad. Now I can barely get through a day. Normally, I would not give a shit, I have been depressed off and on throughout most of my life, but its harder when you have a wife and a kid. Dealing with other people and trying to keep up appearances is exhausting. I am stuck in the hole again and I cannot claw my way out. The pandemic destroyed all the progress I made.",Depression +15697,"I am not shure if this is the right sub for this but i have to write this down somewhere.I am a 18 year old male avererage reddit user from Germany.About a year ago I wanted to upgrade my Pc and accidently broke it. The problem in having summer vacation, close to no friends and being unable to do your two only hobbies is you have time to think, A LOT of time to think. After about two weeks of doing nothing except of thinking about my past actions and reflecting about my current state of having about 1-2 friends (ig I am still not shure what a friend really is, where do you draw the line?), severly performing under my possibilities and nearly failing my Abitur (Highschool) my mood went downwards fast. After 4 weeks when I finally got my parts to fix the PC the damage was already done. On a daily basis my mood got worse, over time I enjoyed my hobbies less and less, got less talk active (which you can see on this post I usually do a lot) and ate less and less to the point of loosing about 10kg in one week (which is unhealthy but I am overweight so its not that big of a deal) because everything tasted bland anyways and I felt empty anyways. I noticed early where that is going to go but was shure after the last/final school trip in which i had basically a breakdown once a day. I kept going anyways because I did not want anyone to worry but at the same time I wanted exactly that I wanted to see that people actually care about me, not because they had to because they are related or care about everyone, I wanted to see if somebody actually noticed that I am not okay and not just moody. Spoiler: nobody did, apart from maybe my teacher that noticed that i basically went from the most active student in the course to the least active. I cried almost every day. Nobody noticed my mom just thought i wanted to loose weight. My 18th birthday was about that time, I wanted to skip it both my parents (divorced) did not allow it. So i had two partys one with my mom, my aunt and my best friend and one with my dad, gradparents, brother, and my dads patchwork family. Both were stressing me out strongly, all human interaction was hard, I wanted to appear kind of ok even though the suicidal thoughts slowly crawled in my head more and more. I still hoped anybody notices. A few weeks later i was so instable that a simple test in school basically broke me to the point of not even being able to uphold my facade in school. that is where I drew the line, I cannot wait anymore for somebody to help, if I will not help myself now I would possibly do something really stupid later. I went to my doctor. I expected to get told I was overreacting and should calm down. My doctor took me very serious, he calmed me down took some test to check if there was a non hormonal because and prescribed me antidepressants and wrote me sick for the day and tge day after (it was thursday and the second lockdown was the week after anyways). That day was the worst, i basically had to tell my mostly oblivious relatives that I was depressed and i had to decide if I would actually use the drugs I had gotten. After talking with my parents and people I knew I came to the conclusion that I have no real alternativ than taking them. I found a psychologist about 1-2months later way faster than I expected. After about half a year of sucessful medication and therapy my psychologist said they are thinking I would not need therapy anymore, I agreed. I talked to my doctor and quit the meds. I finished school with a grade better than expected. I thought it was over it.But the whole time I knew the only goal I had in finding somebody who cared was unfulfilled. I have not found one person that cared about me, I had to get myself out of there even though that was the only thing i wanted not to do. It haunts me. I had two medium breakdowns this week. I am am fucking scared. I do not want to be depressed again, I cannot go through that shit again. I do not know what to do anymore. Everything turned out fine why am I going down the same fucking road i went about a year ago? Why do I feel like I am not even worth getting cared about? I can study what I want everything went far better than expected why tf is my mood getting worse? I just do not know anymore. I do not know anymore",Depression +15698,"before anything Id like to apologies for the rambely way I writeso hey, I am Dan, I am 26 and recently I have not been having a good time, my last serious relationship ended about 2 years ago now and ever since then I have been lonely, and these few months its gotten a whole lot worse, I have depression and anxiety where I often have weeks where I stay inside and do not see anyone and most of all is that recently I have started to feel like a weird little ugly alien who nobody wants.I have been on dating apps and I have been on dates and even made some connections where I have made friendships but nothing really ever gets into something I would call a relationship and my last relationship ended with me getting emotionally abused every single day until I could not take it anymore and had to end things,but now I want to have a connection again and it feels like nobody wants me, nobody cares about me in the way I care about them and I am not blaming them if anything its myself I hate myself because if nobody wants to care for me or want to get close with me I must be horrible no wonder my last partner was abusivejust this thinking has gotten into my head so much and I cannot go outside anymore because when I do I see couples who are happy and cuddling and kissing and laughing and enjoying life and I am alone and I always will be it feels like because I am damaged from when I was abused but I just want to be happy and it does not feel like it will ever happen to me again. I am so unhappy and lonely and I wish I was dead",Depression +15699,"This site is not here to help anyone. Run by moderators who need to protect themselves and all of you from a few words of truth. Typical.I am talking to a handful of real people who are clearly amazing unlike the group and its hundreds of thousands of sick suicide fetishists. Can you blame anyone for topping themselves when humanity is full of and run by people like you?Blame the victims. Blame me for being smart enough not to fall for your lazy and hateful platitudes and wishes. Reddit, this group, and everyone but for D, A, S, and E and anyone on the sidelines suffering and watching this utter bullshit play out can go f*ck themselves.Shame on you especially you sanctimonious and judgmental and stupid god idiots. Yeah moderators....censor me.",Suicidal +15700,Who can relate? The biggest struggle is the thing between want to die and live. If there is no miracle coming my way I will kill myself. I do not know why but I feel it so deep inside. Any advice ? I feel it inside that I will kill myself one day,Suicidal +15701,I am freaking out thinking about this and just do not know what to do now. I (M/22) just feel so emotionally disconnected from other people that I am afraid I am going to be alone and I already feel alone. I have always struggled with depression from a young age. I hid my emotions so much through my entire teenage years that is I find it borderline impossible to connect with new people. And when I try to I just feel exhausted so quickly. I have people that want to be friends and have girls that show interest me and I have been told by a lot of people that I am very attractive but I just cannot get the energy to bother pursuing them but I really want to. I am getting scared now that this will be it while everyone else moves on with their lives. Any help of advice would be so helpful! I feel so emotionally detached from everyone,Depression +15702,I feel to ugly to talk to anyone to make friends or date it really hurts and I am isolated its horrible but I cannot think otherwise. I am to ugly to talk to anyone,Depression +15703,is there a good movie to watch related with deression or addiction. i want watch a movie with someone in pain or who is struggling with something. i cannot find anything good on the internet. i like watching this kind of movies and see myself as the main character need movie suggestion!,Depression +15704,"I do not feel the same way about the things I used to feel passionate about...Singing...performance arts....drawing...writing....Feeling that my talents are worthless and have not gotten me anywhere in life. Feeling hopeless and lost. Have you felt this way now? In the past?it is truly heartbreaking to feel you lost a part of your soul. Feeling partially dead inside. Life has so much to offer and is so incredible, but the mind disrupts the perspective and rots the positivity. I have lived with depression almost my entire life. Even early signs of it in 2nd grade. I do not wish this on anyone and I never want anyone to feel as I do, but sometimes you can take comfort in knowing people understand and empathize how this suffering feels I lost my passion",Depression +15705,"I am tired of everything, i tried everything and my life still seems to go fucked up. My 2nd cousin died 1 week ago, i think about her a lot, did not use to talk with her a lot but still... Just a thought how would i see myself die, she died in a car accident, with her family and few friends. How will i die, seeing cracks in the ceiling or faces above me. 2 weeks ago i broke off with my relationship partner, only one that seemed to care, you know you value those how are you and goodnight texts time to time when you do not get them. I left my friend and not a single one seemed to care, i have not spoken to them in 2 weeks and still no one messaged me about how are you. My guitar string also broke, it seems like everything is going downhill, life does not seem appealing anymore, it is just eating shiting drinking to stay alive.. there is not a single one who would give a shit about me if i die; my mom and dad also do not give a shit, my dad even said he wished he had an abortion and mom too does not give a shit, feels kind of sad that the people who brought you in this world does not care if you die or live because they did not wanted you in the first place. I also have financial problems. I wished someone would ask me, about how are you doing time to time. I know that is kind of a lot to ask; someone to care for you and give some time from their life to you, i know that is a lot, caring for someone on this earth which consist of 8 billion like you and even better than you but still... It would have been... Good to have someone like that.My parents are aguring downstairs and my guitar string is broken so i cannot even play that to distract me but i guess i do not need distraction from problems, i need freedom. Been a while since life has appealed to me, stuff just is moving around head like endless rain to a paper cup. it is just noise and abstract colour flowing. It does not even have inherit meaning to it. just stuff... Feels alone... Could have had quick death like my cousin or headshot on the face.kind of sad that my last words are to beach of random people on the internet and no one near to me. Cracks on the ceiling do seem good though. Been a long while.... Cracks on the ceiling",Suicidal +15706,"MDD, GAD, & SH. Around 15 years of battling these I am 27 years old. Lately I have had so much built up rage. I have started hitting & throwing objects. This is something I have never done. Need advice & someone to talk to. I have been on psych meds since 2009 & in therapy since 2007. So I am extremely knowledgeable in the words & advice a professional would say. TYIA Help.",Depression +15707,"I am utterly alone. I did not harass anyone... did not even know I broke a rule. Breaking mom has broken me... Who am I kidding. I am already broken. I will leave you alone. I will go where I am wanted. Which is nowhere. I should just hang myself before I collect more people who hate me. I tried taking a bottle of pills, but all that did was have me puking all night. I need a gun. Woke up to see I am banned from the only place I had to vent.",Suicidal +15708,"everytime i (force myself to) hang out with them i have no energy to act happy or energetic. I am making them sad, disappointed, tired and worried about me. i feel an urge to cut them off but i know i should not - i have done it way too many times before and regreted it bad. I am draining them. they propably feel obligated to keep in contact with me because 'that is what friends do'. uggghhhh i hate depression. disappointing my friends",Depression +15709,"I think about suicide every day. It has been like this for many years now.I am now 50 and have spent most of my life working where it has been the main focus of my life. I had success but most of the money went to investors (founded a company that sold for $27M). Have been working on another startup for 8 years and making minimal income and living off savings. Doing it all myself as I do not trust people anymore. Been through a divorce caused by this and was in a marriage that meant I could not properly run my new startup for most of that time. Ex took half my assets and I am sure was putting a lot extra away for years.It is ridiculously hard. I have a product as good as anything in the market and comparable to other products raising 10's of millions of dollars. But I cannot get it out there, nothing I do works enough. I now have a product that probably requires a team of developers and I am maintaining it all myself and trying to grow the business.I am just so tired, burnt out and depressed I cannot do the things I need to do to make this work anymore and I feel I am going to lose everything.The only thing keeping me going is the thought that I have the product and the hope that one day I will get noticed or will be able to get my marketing sorted and get in front of the right customers.I feel I am going backwards and everyone I know seems to be going forward on easy mode. Home are going up in value (we sold our beautiful big house in the divorce and now renting), well paying jobs with minimal effort (IT).I just spent my entire weekend working and doubt it will make a dent while other people are enjoying their lives.I will never find a partner again as I am financially ruining myself.I just want to end it all but my 10 year old daughter still needs me. It would devastate her if I was gone. For the last few years I have just been thinking try to last as long as you can until she does not need you as much (maybe 16). I am not living for any future now, I do not look forward to anything. Every day I wake up and say to myself 'I want to die'.She is still full of hope and tells me about her dream house and dream bedroom etc and says things like ""daddy when your website gets better do you think we could get a new house etc"". Once we had the best house of her friends and now are just renting and they are all buying new homes.I look at her now and love her so much. But wish she had a better dad as I feel I am spiralling down. The hardest part is I know I could have given her so much more.I called a support line on friday and am going to a doctor today to get some help.At the core I think the main problem is I hate myself, do not value myself and probably do not feel like I deserve love or success and that derails everything I do.Sorry if this has been rambling. When you have a child who loves you",Depression +15710,"I just do not know what I can do anymore. I am completely alone. I always have been. I am 17, and have dropped out of school because of depression, and while I have recovered enough to have a job, almost no one who works there is my age. I cannot join any clubs (due to the whole dropping out thing.) Now, all this would not be so bad if I was able to start a conversation with anyone ever. Once someone starts talking to me, I can have a conversation with them just fine, but that rarely ever happens. I have so much anxiety about starting a conversation, and no clue how to fix things.All I want is to not be alone in life, but it seems completely impossible. Loneliness",Depression +15711,I need to make a portfolio by mid August or the art place i need to go to to get into college will not take me but its so hard to get up and doing anything when i do not even have the self esteem to think i deserve to go to this course. Everytime i try to draw its terrible and i do not think that because i hate myself its genuinely not good and i do not know what to do because i know I am good at art i just have no motivation right now.I have come up with a few projects but even thinking about them makes me depressed.I need this so badly but i do not think ill be able to do it and i feel like I am being crushed by a whole fuckin zoo thinkin about all my responsibilities.I hate all this uncertainty i feel like I am failing myself How do i get myself to make art,Depression +15712,"You suicide fetishists are killing people with your ""everything is going to be okay"" and ""I understand"" when you clearly do not. Four people get it. Four. And one is 14. I just found that out.Clearly not a single one of you outside of the few people who are actually ready or who have tried before and failed (yes I am so much a loser I cannot kill myself before the cops arrive). do not give me grammar shit or talk tautologies you stupid douchebags.If you are here to save a life today you are probably going to take one. This goes about a million times over for you god idiots. There is no god. Every Christian Muslim and Jewish person on here trotting that shit out just proves how awful religion is. And Buddhists are worse you self righteous assholes. How many of you have hard ons or wet passes from reading about my pain?Moderators: you are killing children. Congrats. Now go pray the gay away or whatever else you were doing. Garbage. All of you. Shame",Suicidal +15713,"Do you feel like you live with an outstanding issue stuck in your head and you are not going to be able to move on with your life until you resolve it?I feel like I do not have time to think about ""normal people"" issues (love, career, money, home, family, car...) because I need to resolve that mysterious issue before. But I cannot figure out what that issue is, and I am afraid it is not even real. That outstanding business",Depression +15714,"I am tired. I am just going to kill homeless people. if you can track this page to where i live come and find me and call the cops. you will deserve the reward. if not let me be and ill gas light this whole fucking house and ill hide butane in peoples bushes so it will lead to their house and willl eventually kill at least 30 people and 5 houses after years of trauma, mental and physical abuse I have finally fucking snapped",Depression +15715,"The title says it. I am a young adult, definitely not a kid anymore, and I never had a childhood in a sense that I internalised my parents' helicoptering behaviour that avoided any type of slightly risky situations. I was the best of my class, a really nerdy kid (then the best of my group at college), never had friends in the neighborhood, never actually had just any friends. Never went out to play with anyone, never had any sleepover parties or anything. Being a kid sucked big time, my peers were always so loud and rude and cruel, while I was apparently cold and arrogant and always acted like a know-it-all and an ""adult"". I just wish I returned back and did everything differently. I hate myself for being how I am and for not having any experiences or memories apart from sitting in front of the PC days long. Mom worked, dad left, so no-one could really tell anything was wrong apparently.I was always so focused on imaginary success that I was obsessively trying to be the best in the class (not to gain any actual knowledge, important distinction). Now being an adult, I am expected to get a job by my parents, while all I can do is sit on a couch all day remembering every small bad thing that has happened over the course of my life. I have lost all enthusiasm for working hard and being successful just at the moment I am actually expected to become like that. I wish it all ended, but I know I am too cowardly to take my life, I had an attempt before, basically barely scratched my arms, now my mom blames me for ""doing that to her"" and she complained about having arythmia when she accidentally learned that I did it again recently. So I cannot even let it out like that. I wake up and go to bed thinking about it all, and I do not see any solutions. I do not even know if I am just making everything up bc of not wanting to work and to grow up, I was not horribly abused, neglected or whatever, idk. Maybe I am just trying to find a reason to blame my parents for being a failure. Do with that confession as you will :/ I desperately want to become a child again, but this time, to actually act like one",Depression +15716,"So it appears that it is pretty much over for me. I am a 24 year old male, living with my mother, unemployed, no girlfriend and almost no social life. I am a little chubby (30lbs or so overweight), but other than that I look fine. I have a bachelor's degree in Physics and now I am entering my final year as a master's student in Solid State Physics. It seems that I simply cannot get a job and do something with my life. No one wants to hire me, not even for jobs for which I am overqualified. I feel terribly lonely and nothing seems to work. I feel that my chances of getting out of this situation are getting slimmer every day. I may have to make peace with the idea that I will be unemployed and a loser for the rest of my life. I do not know what to do. People keep telling me that things will get better in time, but so far, it seems that time only made things worse. I am considering a 7 day water and electrolytes fast since I have done it before and I have plenty of body fat to lose and it is rather safe in my case. Maybe the fast will also bring some mental clarity. I do not know if I am actually depressed since I am willing to at least try to change my situation, but it feels like if I do not get my life sorted out soon enough, I may get depressed for real and that kind of scares me because at that point, I will have no motivation left to actually do anything. I thought maybe some of you could help me with some advice or anything. 24 year old loser",Depression +15717,I have this much at my disposal and I think I am going to take them tonight. I hate my life and myself to such an extent that I do not see any point in doing this anymore. I have been thinking about it all day and my thoughts are taking over my mind. Nobody cares. I am alone with when I come into this world and Ill die alone too. Goodbye. 42 grams of paracetamol and 1 gram of prozac.,Suicidal +15718,I am scared I was not doing well and took two medic and they were the extra like the one who are more effective and idk what to do I calmed down and do not really want to die anymore pls anyone I am scared Well I just took pills,Suicidal +15719,"Given up on life, every day is the same shit I do not have many friends or ever had a relationship but I am 26 now and the boat of having a relationship has probably sailed for me now. I am just waiting to die and tbh really looking forward to it. I am just waiting to die",Depression +15720,"Hey, so as the title says, I feel like I am in some way broken. Therapy is not really changing that, even though I have been going through it for multiple years. Below, I will list some of the reasons I think I am broken. \- Therapy has stopped making any significant change to my state after a certain point \- I lose interest in any hobbies or potential interests very quickly \- I have enormous problems with laziness; I fail to do basic things, such as cleaning my room, buying myself clothes, making myself food etc. \- For that reason, I lack any sort of skill or knowledge that would be useful to my future life. I struggle with education. \- I find my world view to be constantly proven wrong, and I lack the energy to do much research \- I have trouble formulating my own opinions - I just parrot other people \- Social interactions are hard for me, I am very awkward in person. I fail to notice any subtle social cues and undertones. \- Building skills is difficult for me - I spend the vast majority of my time gaming, yet I am bad at any game I play and I fail to improve significantly over time \- I seem to be very unintelligent. I often find myself having trouble with solving simple life issues. I also cannot focus very well \- I am doing terribly in terms of driving, despite something around 40 hours behind the wheel \- I sleep a lot to avoid thinking or feeling bad. I am generally sleepy more than the average person \- I rely on my parents to do pretty much everything related to chores and general life stuff for me (I am 18). There are more things, but off the top of my head, that is what I have got. Does anybody feel this way? Am I really inherently broken and unable to succeed? What do you think about all this? Have a great day! I feel like my life is fucked, and I am broken beyond repair. [long post]",Depression +15721,"I am 16. Unlike a lot of schools mine has groups for just about everyone because it is huge (3000 students). So you have to be especially weird and a true loser to not have friends. Of course there is people i bullshit with in class but I have not spoken to anyone except my parents in the last 2 months, I am afraid to go anywhere with my parents for fear of being seen by someone i know from school and being laughed at. It really hits hardest when I am holed up inside watching SCP videos in my room on a beautiful day. Instead of going out with my friends like literally everyone else, I am watching YouTube and working on a summer assignment for AP classes that I would not take if my parents did not demand I work hard in school. They have some delusion that I will be a genius who makes them money. Lol. Honestly SCP is the best fandom for the depressed, it let us me forget how boring the world is AND it let us me fantasize about something I would enjoy. The brutal reality is the SCP universe is one of very few fictional universes where people like me matter. In real life being a weird science lover who enjoys thinking about stuff without a deadline ruins your life. Irl Dr. Bright would live in his mom's basement. Man, it stings to turn off the YouTube video or close the article tab and remember real life. that is the other thing. I REALLY want to work as hard as I can to avoid being a parasite. I will work as hard as I need to to play video games and watch SCP videos in MY OWN BASEMENT. I am not going to let life disappear while ruining my parents financial state. I am planning to study abroad and emigrate to a country (most likely Belgium) better suited for 20 year olds to live alone than America. I also hate when people act like I do not enjoy learning. I do. I just hate having to take tests when I will never produce anything of value for all my work. I like to just think about stuff and read interesting things, i just hate people forcing me to do it. Sorry I am rambling again. Anyway I have already got an internship as a journalist, so I am trying to get the ball rolling on not living in my parents basement. Well, time to go bury my head in fiction to forget my shitty life. The best part about SCP? Very few relationships. they are a whole organization full of people like me! Sunday afternoon and the SCP Foundation",Depression +15722,"i will not write a lot to not waste ur time (ended up writing a lot), but for the past 8 years, my life has been hell. Got >!SAd!< by a family member, parents insulting me, emotionally abusing me and overall having suicidal thoughts. (Mind you i have >!binge eating problems and struggle A LOT with my weight!<) About 2 years ago, that is when things got worse, that is when i grew up and realized how fucked up my parents are. They would beat me, then show me love. insult me to the point i would want to >!end my life!<, then show affection by buying stuff. This would go on for years. I had the opportunity to have a psychologist at school to help me sort things out (in 2020-2021) It helped quite a bit, but now it is summer vacation, aka i have no one to talk to. Me and my friends have stopped being close and this is where my>! suicidal thoughts!< peaked again. About 8-9 months ago, i have planned to >!overdose on pills!<. Since i am a minor, i do not have access any pain killers etc, i only had tylenol. The day i was supposed to do it, i stopped myself, i told myself it would get better, or so i thought. Recently i feel exhausted, i have no one to talk to and etc etc. Everyday i try to be happy, playing Valorant with friends, meeting new people and brushing off all the intrusive thoughts my mind had. But hey of course things would never go right. My brother bought a >!weight scale!<, or whatever its called. I was stressing a lot, knowing my dad would tell me to go on it, and of course he did. >!I weight a lot, basically overweight!<. The disappointment i saw in my parents face were sad. As i said earlier, i struggle a lot w my weight, mostly because of my parents. My younger self would not give a fuck about how much>! i gain or loose weight!<, but over the years, about when i turned 10-12, that is when i started >!gaining weight,!< which made my parents concerned. I understand why they are concerned but the things they would do to ""Help"" me??? Exemple one time my mom got nervous about my stretch marks, so she brought me to a family doctor and the family doctor told me that >!i was overweight!<. My mom, mad and disappointed started insulting me on the way home for about 10 minutes. Then she called my aunt, and for 15 minutes straight they,both, were insulting the shit out of me, calling me >!pig,ugly,fat,embarrasing,disgusting and many insults!< (All in vietnamese). When we got home, she had to make a scene of course, screaming and yelling how much i weight and calling me names, that is when my dad joined and insulted me even more. That night, i was very close of just ending it. I am also failing math and important things asian parents would want they are kid to succeed in. I do not understand why i cannot just end it already? Why am i so afraid of something i want? I could just end it right now, and all of this will go away, i will not have to experience this anymore. I will be free, correct? Today, right now 4:39 Pm, 2021-07-18, >!i feel like ending it again!<, but I am such a pussy for not ending it, i really do want to die but i do not know what is holding me back. I could say it is my friends, but they could not care less about me, barely check up on me, etc etc.; . In another dimension, i could say my parents/family, but obviously they are the because of this. So who the actual fuck am i staying alive for? Literally no one. So why cannot i just end it? nothing makes me happy anymore, unless i just fake it and act like a happy person. You might think I am the most ungrateful brat ever, you can say that, but please understand where I am coming from. I am so grateful to have a family. But can they act like HUMANS for ounce? Not insulting everything about me for 5 minutes? Not making me hate myself for everything? I have also lost so many actually loved ones these past years, lost many precious friends, due to my mentality i could not afford being happy or caring for someone else anymore, so i lost many friends. Lost my precious grandpa a few weeks ago. And everything is going down hill, when i told my friends my grandpa passed away, they left me on seen, and never replied. So i ended up deleting my messages (like pratically every messages lol). I know my friends are not therapists, but atleast, brighten me up? idk maybe i should not rely on other people, but yet again i have no one to rely on. I will go off for a few hours, will check up if there is any comments to this. If anyone is still reading, thank you so much, i just wanted to rant but yeah.Lots of love, ahria. (not real name ofc) 14yo ranting TW// mention of suicide,overdose and insecurity of body",Suicidal +15723,"No fucking point anymore, what a waste of energy. Feel bad that my family wasted so much time with such a fuck up. The void is calling I am about done",Suicidal +15724,"i just want to die PLEASE i hate my life i hate myself i hate my body i hate everything ON ME its not a joke and anybody know that because i hiding it in me, they will not understand me, that will make things worse I am so sad and tired please help me",Depression +15725,"all i want is for someone to care about my day for once. to listen to whatever nonsence i have to talk about. so i tried for so long to give others that same kindness. listen to their stories about their day, pain, jokes, whatever, and i do my best to make a conversation about whatever they want to talk about. always themselves. but nobody ever gives me the same in return. now I am depleted. i have nothing left to give. no kindness to give. so now how can i possibly ever expect the same from others when i cannot give anymore? I am left a sad, empty, hateful hypocrite. nobody cares about my day, my life, my pain. they just want to talk about every fucking detail of their life to me so i can give them validation. i cannot do it anymore. and now by saying that i feel like I have sealed my fate to just be alone. grow up to be the crankey old man that nobody likes.i want to fucking kill myself i cannot give others what i need",Suicidal +15726,"I am 25m and a gradate student. So I have been abusing alcohol a little too much lately, as much as I can afford. it is been some days and it is become a routine thing now. Idk if I can call it binge drinking yet. Long story short - I cannot do a thing right. My career does not look great from whatever has happened so far. Hardly have any friends. The only good thing in life is my mother and I am not sure she is going to be aruond for long. It feels like nothing in my life matters except alcohol.",Depression +15727,I do not really know what more to say than my boyfriend is going to be at work for hours yet and my confidence in my ability to keep myself safe is really lacking. I do not want to bother him while hes working so hard to support us. Alone and unsure if I can keep safe.,Suicidal +15728,"It do not make sense going to heaven with the goodies goodies, When I die, F it I want to go to hell, because I am a piece of shi t, and that hard to fucin tell.",Suicidal +15729,"First time going this far. Drove about a kilometer of a dark road keeping my eyes shut for the most time. Opened them when I finally felt something besides of intoxicating feeling of myself.I have been an outsider my whole life. And every piece of the feeling of being a part of something was pretty precious to me. Recently I have got my engineering diploma. I should be more or less happy, it was a long work after all, but I have lost another collective.Sadly, I had been diagnosed with depression before and have been fighting with it for a while, but now...I even start *considering* to make a final surrender. To get in the sweet cold hug of the unexistence. To dissolve into nothing. To stop experiencing things.I feel like this is linked to the loneliness I have been living with for a while. Quite for a while, I may say. Last year's covid waves have left me alone in the dark bunker of my home with just enough support to allow food and the internet. This solitude has even changed me a bit - I have stopped drinking, started intermittent fasting and so on. Now I consider returning to alcohol. It just gives some veil of indifference from a hum in my head. The hum of negativity and overthinking I burden myself with.I remember myself *before*. Many do, I guess. I remember my life with narcissistic parents, those goddamned nights full of studies, early attendance to the medical university and all lost time and social skills. Damn, I even understand now why I was always in outsider.But then I have left the university, stopped talking to the most of m family, reunited with it is functional part, got first job, was hopeful to attend engineering university, tried to invent stuff, learn skills, start something. Now the fire has gone out. A small amber of hope still glows though, and that is the reason why I only *consider* a final surrender.Another bad thing, I guess, is that I have come to a certain conclusions about our universe. They basically state that after death we do not experience anything. No time, no darkness, nothing. And after some time we will exist again in the future, because it is our only option to *exist*. As an addition to those conclusions I have got the idea that the life cycle will repeat in one way or another. Until something changes enough in one of the lifes, so we would be redeemed from our regular life cycles. The final surrender does not make it better though, as in my mind it may make things worse, but who cares on the end of the line? I have just been driving with my eyes closed.",Depression +15730,"I have been in a pretty bad place this past week. I am trying to recover from a recent episode I had. Last night I had a low after feeling better this week. Ex contacted me last night and I regret engaging. I am so desperate for human interaction that I let him back into my life. He made me feel worse to be honest, and said I would be less depressed if I went to the gym (like I have not done that before). On a lighter I changed my sheets and made my bed up today. Also opened my window up and got some clothes folded. Managed to eat breakfast this morning and take my morning meds on time. I am excited I was able to get some things done and just wants to let someone know. I did something, I made my bed up",Depression +15731,"I wake up, work a job I tolerate for 8-10 hours, go home, eat something that is awful for me, go to bed, just to wake up and do it again the next day. I want more from life, but something deep inside my mind holds me back from doing anything about it. School is expensive. How will afford it? How long will I be working to pay off that debt? There is no guarantee I will find a job in that specific field. What if I spend all this money on school just to find out I hate the subject?How the fuck do people have genuinely happy lives working jobs that pays you just enough to pay the bills, but not enough to actually enjoy your non-work time? I could not end my own life because I worry too much about what it would do to my friends and family, but I do wish I was never born. I did not sign up for this. I did not agree to be a part of this rigged system that rewards predatory behavior, and punishes the most vulnerable.I wish I loved me as much as my friends and family do Is this life?",Depression +15732,A brilliant video I came across that was helpful to me. Hopefully it helps someone else too. How self-forgiveness saved my life,Depression +15733,"I feel so lonely, I want others but the more they want me to more scared I get and pull away and the more independent I become. However secretly more then anything I want someone to just come along and see my 16 year old vunerable ass self and just take control of my whole life. I have never had a connection with anything for very long, I guess if someone takes control of everything it means I get all that love and comfort and feeling of being cared about without that connection, and I can just being someone is thing. I do not know why I want to be objectified in this way, but I want it so bad. I just spend days feeling so exhausted how nice it would be for someone to clean up my messes and take over everything, then at the end of it say how distgusting and terrible I am. I guess beacuse deep down I believe it and I just want others to believe it too. I want someone to just lock me in a coubourd everytime I want to die to stop me and this conflict inside my body, I would know I could not die so the part of me that lives will have to win, there is no more wars in my brain. I want someone to take the knife or the pills out of my hand and tell me how selfish I am, someone who could take that control away. How nice it would be just to have someone love me, but not for me, no one could love me, but for the control and the power over me, which I could pretend was love for me. But I do not meet anyone, I am alone other then for a few online freinds, I am too untrusting to let it happen, I do not. tell reIy on anyone, I do it all myself. I feel so alone, and unloved I just want someone to control everything in my life instead of dying",Suicidal +15734,Cannot drink alcohol and eat tasty food.I guess next will be wiomb cancer and no sex for me.I feel devastated. Diagnosed with Gerd and cannot drink alcohol,Depression +15735,"This past months feels like hell...My DadMy Dad was rush to the hospital due to having an inflamed prostate. He is already urinating blood. Because of that he had to undergo an operation to removed the blockage of the prostate. It was a successful operation. Though we had go thru our savings to pay for the operation and medical expenses.After a week He had stroke, we had to rush him again to the hospital, Tired...",Depression +15736,"I have been to the hospital and I honestly was sent home and that was that. I had suicidal thoughts and was self-harming but because I did not have a specific suicide plan in place at that moment in time, I was not taken seriously. I am not being supported by the community mental health team, they just keep saying they do not have the resources. I do not understand how i can go to a hospital feeling suicidal and just be turned away. I genuinely spend so much of my time crying and wanting to be alone. I have tried different medications but honestly, I just do not want to be here.when I have opened up to people, I just feel like I cannot open up again because I do not want to be seen as complaining all the time so i put on a good face. when I am alone, I feel like I am deflating because I am so used to pretending all the time.I have had people I have opened up to but just have not checked in with me since. bu then am i being too selfish to think they would.I am in a position where I am just pretending everything is okay because i feel like I have reached out and I have been completely shut down.i genuinely am scared of myself sometimes and how i can get so in my head.has anyone been here, what can i do to support myself? I have suicidal thoughts so frequently, and since I opened up, everything's got worse",Depression +15737,"I feel very weak, like I will break down at any moment but I am trying my best to hold myself back because once I allow myself to feel down about things I am afraid they will consume me. Like I will be obsessed about them and feel more depressed.I cannot accept myself being the way I am, I want to just do the right thing and live a decent life but somehow I end up "" making a mistake"" or feeling like I made a mistake because I end up miserable. Suicidal thoughts are getting pretty bad and I am struggling to deal with this pain in my chest I get so often.I am mainly upset about this reaction itself, how I am capable of rational thought and being calm but I lose my shit so easily and over things which are not worth feeling suicidal over. I care too much about what others think which makes it easy for others to convince me so things go their way. But when I do things my own way even if inconsistent or might go against their own interests some people react as if I am cold. On top of this I cannot express genuine anger to people directly other than to my family. I am just sat alone thinking that I have dug myself a hole I cannot get out of even though i can acknowledge I have done nothing wrong rationally speaking. I am really trying my best but I am tired... Sorry for the long message. I hope I can get some sort of advice which can help calm down the impulse to run away from my own reality.i know there are many others who need support on this sub so I hope no one feels pressured to respond. Tired of myself",Suicidal +15738,"Everyone is fake ..people only want to talk to you if they need something, want something or want to use you ! Every day been hell since I been a child I am 38 now but they say have faith , think positive..everything will be ok ..even this site a waist of time..we are all alone and no one cares .. but you cannot show how you truly feel just like everything is ok because nobody even cares It do not matter",Suicidal +15739,"I believe its the core of my sadness and my depression, but my personality (disagreeable and introverted) leaves me acting and behaving in an antisocial manner.Nobody loves me. And that is ok. I do not think i deserve it. I have felt alone my entire life. I have never had a friend, with whom i clicked and stayed clicked. The feeling is dreadful. That you are alone.",Depression +15740,"Literally fuck everything. Everything in this world is so fucking pointless and I am over pretending as if there is any point trying to make my life better when the end result is always the same. Seriously, what the fuck does it even matter if I do anything when I will probably die to the endless amounts of health risks I was just so lucky to be born with. What the fuck does it matter doing anything when I will just die sad and alone and be forgotten like most people do. Fuck this and fuck everything. Fuck everything",Suicidal +15741,"I really do not want to be here anymore. I am heartbroken, I am angry, I am anxious, I am upset, I am every negative emotion you could feel. BUT, I am pregnant sometimes my brain is like give birth and go (which feels horrible because wth) and then I am like no do it now so they do not have to suffer without a mum. But then I am like, they would be suffering with a mum like me anyway. I really just do not want to be here anymore; I am finding it so hard to function - I think about a) rewinding the time back to the time I was happier (impossible) or b) dying to end it all, which really can be done. Recently though, I have thought what even happens after death? You know afterlife and stuff?? I have never been anxious about it, but now I really am. It almost feels like I am a step closer now my thoughts have morphed like that. No one advocates for suicide and I would not even myself for others, but I wish I could find forums or information that was helpful on how to prepare, how to minimise trauma to others, what to leave and how to do it so it is more or less effective. Living with what I am feeling right now is so overwhelming and I feel like I have got nowhere to turn. I literally think about suicide every single day. I am writing this feeling so GUILTY",Suicidal +15742,"I am tired of making excuses for how I feel. I am tired of telling people that I am 'not well' or I am 'really tired'. But what else am I supposed to say? People do not understand, well maybe they might but their expectations of me will not allow them to see it. I have become so detached, I am not here anymore really. I do not talk, I do not want to eat, I just lay there on the sofa as the minutes go on and the days feel never ending. I always try and do better, I try to do things to make myself feel better, I try to make myself happy and the people around me happy. But I just do not think I can do it anymore, and my sadness is an inconvenience for those around me, so I just carry on making excuses. Idk if this even makes sense but its the most honest I can be right now. Making excuses",Depression +15743,Why is not this a thing? I just want to take a pill to die,Suicidal +15744,"I feel like everything nice and fun just ceases to exist. it is like it is my fault that I am trying too hard to be happy and everything gets worse.My few and only ""best friends"" are toxic and manipulative, bringing up stuff from years ago that they know make me feel guilty. My parents are abusive and give me little to no privacy, wanting my exact location and email password and forcing me in social situations, knowing that they make me uncomfortable, just so I get used to it.My favorite game is being put on fucking live support, Youtube videos are boring and uninteresting, just everything that I used to pass the time is unbearable.None of the pathetic little ""projects"" I start do not go anywhere, because it is hard to do anything at this point.And I feel guilty that I have brought all of this on myself by being an awful person my whole life. Do I deserve this? Have I made others' lives miserable and I just did not know? Am I annoying? Insufferable? I feel guilty when someone is doing something and I am just too tired to help.Maybe my friends are not toxic, nor my parents, nor is anything bad happening. Maybe I am toxic, complaining about my miniscule problems that nobody gives a shit about. Maybe. I hope not.The only thing I have going for me is that I recently found this person, they seem very nice, and I wish we can be friends, but we have talked for 2 days about an hour per day and I already fear she will reject me, because I kind of think she is just being nice to a stranger, and because I think I blew it by saying ""I actually have nothing to say, it is just nice to talk to you"". For me it seems desperate. Maybe I am desperate. Everything good just disappears from my life",Depression +15745,"i want to kill myself. i know i look pathetic, but I am really tired now. i cannot enjoy anything i do. i dye my hair, i pierce my ears or smth, i try to communicate with people, i tried play guitar etc etc... but all i get is a deep, painful feeling of emptiness and failure. i keep crying for no reason. i cannot even look in the mirror because I am starting to cry. I am ugly, I am diffident, i consider myself low from other people. I am a loser. everywhere i go, I am being excluded. i cannot express myself and i cannot talk to my parents because they are going to think i just want attention and I am being ungrateful. i just know when people look at me, they think I am ugly and stupid. i do not have any friends, I am just an antisocial a**hole. i do not know what i can do anymore, maybe i should get help from a therapist, but i do not have the guts bcz I am sure even the therapist will think I am an idiot. i just know i cannot get over 18. I am failing at everything, and i do not think i can take it anymore. i do not even have the guts to ask for help",Suicidal +15746,"I have always thought staying alive is the only purpose of my existence. Other than that, I am nothing but another worthless piece of trash. My parents brought me to life because they wanted a happy life, so it is naturally wrong for me to kill myself since it is my responsibility to make them happy. Life was easy when I was still young, because I did not have to worry about my future at all. But now, I am slowly turning into an adult. I do not know what I want to do, I do not know where I want to go, to be honest, I do not even want to know. School's getting tough, I cannot even do my best to take care of myself and make sure everything looks normal and okay on the outside anymore. I do not know what the fuck is wrong with me but I have been struggling so bad to act normal. I just hate myself so much and I do not even want to think about myself: just the thought of me being happy and alive disgusts me, I seriously just want to stop being a human, want to stop existing, but I cannot. My parents are still alive, and I also have a few friends who often come to me when they need somebody to talk to. There was once when I told my friends that I was feeling extremely stressed for not being able to die even though I was struggling to live. They just laughed at me and said I was being so dramatic that they thought they were actually watching some emotional drama. Well, it is probably because I am too childish and emotionally immature for my age, so it is not their fault at all for not being able to understand how I feel. I am just...so confused. How can I ""be happy"" and ""achieve my dreams"" like I am always told when everyday's been nothing but hell? I am so used to being judged for how I acted in front of people that I cannot even talk to anyone I know. Nobody would take me seriously even if I told them I hurt myself physically to cope with guilt. I am just some worthless piece of garbage and a huge waste of my parents' time and effort. Right now I just cannot seem to pull myself together at all. I am done ranting and it is time to tell myself to shut the fuck up. Sorry for wasting your precious time to read this. I actually should have said thank you, because most people would not know how to respond to an apology and I will just end up causing trouble for people again. So, thank you for reading this! Have a nice day ~~ I am not suicidal, I am just confused and have nowhere to vent",Suicidal +15747,"I am tired of being a girl. Its exhausting to be hated on all of the time. The double standards, the lack of respect. I am tired of having to work 10x harder for things just because I am a girl. Its all so tiring. Tired of sexism",Depression +15748,"I am so numb, for so many years. It seems easier just to end everything I am not sure if i can live any longer",Suicidal +15749,"I am not really sure how to start this... I guess I could preface this by saying that I have no one in my life to turn to for these issues, so here I am. On February 14th of this year, I developed an extremely rare and incurable neurological disorder called Visual Snow Syndrome. For those of you do not know, Visual Snow Syndrome, or VS for short, is a neurological disorder where sufferers see a sort of layer of ""static"" over their entire visual field. Sufferers might also develop other symptoms, like in my case, raging tinnitus. I am definitely not a depressed or anxious person, but I want to end my life; it sounds like an oxymoron, I know. I want to die because I cannot enjoy those little things about life that I love so much, how the sky looks like on a clear day, what silence sounds like. it is driving me nuts and I do not know how much more of this I can take. It feels like my impending suicide is inevitable; I find myself questioning whether or not today is my last day constantly. Suicidal because of rare disorder",Suicidal +15750,"Hello!I have separate issues at both work and home and am currently very stressed and unhappy at both work and also at Home.When I leave for work I am pleased to have a distraction from the issues in my personal life, but I cannot wind down from the work stress at the end of the day for the same reason.I am finding it very difficult to manage these at the same time and it is taking a toll on me and I feel I am becoming depressed.Does anybody have any advice? Thanks. Help managing work/home stress",Depression +15751,"I gave myself a year to try to be happy. But I am not. My therapist sucks and always ask the same three questions. My medication stop me from feeling anything which at first was great because anger and sadness were gone. But then I was just completely empty. I felt nothing. So I changed it to something stronger. But it' s exactly the same.Sometimes I feel great. Like, oh great today I do not want to die ! And the rest of the times I just wish things were done. Quiet, silence. No pain, no regrets, just the wonderful emptiness that is death. And in those days, I have no one to call.No one is here to give me a hug, to say I love you, and to listen to me cry. I have parents, a sister and friends but no one to call to say I need help. Please hold me. Please anyone... In those days, I just want to know what keeps me from dying. I just want to be happy for once without guilt or shame. Is that too much to ask ? And why am I still alive ? I have no one to call",Suicidal +15752,"No matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, in the end i will always fail, no one will ever be there. I will be forever alone, and nothing will ever change that. Tired of trying so hard for it to only blow up in my face, everyday is just a repeat of the last. Nothing good ever last for me. All i am given is suffering. I cannot do this anymore. I am reaching my breaking point and wish i did not have to be like this. I am mentally to far gone, I am not worth saing, no. I cannot be saved. I dug my own grave for myself to lay in. But who cares really, I have written here, with no responses or guidance. I feel like iam so far gone the only solution is really to kill myself. I cannot live like this anymore. Nothing brings me joy, everything just feels so dull and my life is not interesting. I contribute nothing to society and then wonder why i am life this. I have had people say that i deserve all the pain i am given. That nothing changes nor will change for me, well if that is so, then i know what i must do. I must just end myself, just for the sake of what is left of my dignity, no one can save me, not even my self. Soon it will be the end for me and then finally i will experience peace. It never ends",Suicidal +15753,"Lost my final shred of love, for most people and myself.. I spent my life dreaming of finding the man I would love forever, i kept thinking I would finally found them the past 4 years.. But i was wrong, they tricked me, destroyed me and rarely shows remorse..I started taking more drugs because of how much they hurt me and i wanted to numb the pain.. I quit once when they would left a long time.. But he only came back and destroyed me again spiralling me back into it..now I am even considering escorting..I only wanted them to have my body... I trusted them... Now I have lost all of it... I do not think i care anymore if people do what they want with me anymore... Feels like that is all he was doing to me for years....... He leaves if i show the slightest bit of emotion... So I will become emotionless.. I plan to work out more and begin escorting very soon..... My new friends already have clients for me....Why not i guess... Who cares anymore... Been raped, betrayed, thrown away... I do not care anymore what happens to my body... Physically & Emotionally Surrendered",Depression +15754,"You know being told that you can do anything as a child by your parents and ends doing nothing, cannot get a degree never good at anything just decent i feel like a npc in a video game no real talent, and the few friends i have are more succesfull than me and making me miserable when i compare myself to themEven this kind of mentality makes me sick of myself, cannot be normal ffs, always need to have these states when i want to shoot myself just like the drama queen i am &#x200B;Idk what the fck to do I am just waiting for my parents to die to shoot myself, that is what I am saying to myself since I am 16 (22 now) never seen a psychologist bc you know feeling bad and wanting to kms once in a while is pretty normal I am going to How can i cope with the fact that I am a disappoitment",Suicidal +15755,"22 year old unemployed virgin with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and nobody to hang out with lmao I suck",Depression +15756,"Everyday is a repeat of itself. I am going no where with my life. what is the point anymore? I have stupid habits I do, things I do or things I do not like such as having to lock the door 10 times, having the same routine everyday, not liking certain textures (like the feeling or sound of sand on my feet or silk) or blinking habits. I cannot help it, and I do not know why I do it however my mum always says to me ""do not be like that, stop it, you do not want to look weird"". But I cannot fucking help it. I try to reach out for help but everything is so fucking tedious. No one fucking understands. I came out as trans ftm a few months ago and no matter how many times I say I feel uncomfortable with my mum saying things she will not listen. I fucking hate everything. what the point?",Depression +15757,"23 years old guy here. Finished uni back in january. I have always been a nerdy guy but I think I look good despite that. In my high school years I have mostly sat in my room, playing games with close friends. Only drinking with them, never really went out to pubs or bigger parties. I was never in love and kissed only one girl who was a really great friend of mine and we decided we want to be each others first. For a few months we were like a couple but we definitely were not in love. Fast forward to university. I decided to become more socialized and played less video games, went to uni parties, etc. I have kissed quite a few girls and had some makeouts (sex) with some of them. I even had two girlfriends but both were casual and I was not really in love. My last relationship ended a few months ago. And now uni over, started working, having a good job but lack of friends because I moved to a new town and only know a few people here.It started hitting me in the past weeks that I never had a true first love in high school or uni. I never had a successfull date where I kissed a girl. I honestly never experienced TRUE love. I met ALL the girls in my past years at parties or pubs and had something between us because either we were drunk or the girl was into me.And it makes sad that I am almost 24 years old and my youth is kind of over. And this is all because of my bad decisions in the past. And I missed so much experience:( I have never experienced teenage love and it makes me so sad..",Depression +15758,"Why do i hate happiness so much. I fucking hate laughter so much its so annoying. I hate everything happy. Why cannot the world just be normal. Maybe it is because I hate not being able to see what is happy in situations. I cannot fucking process anything in my shitty brain. Why is going to the beach so fun? Why do people like to be tanned? It hurts to fucking badly. what is fun about having children? what is fun about staying up late? Why do not people have routines, it is so much easier. I cannot fucking live like this. I have no memories of me being happy as a child and I fucking hate it. Why is my family so fucking annoying and do not bother trying to understand me? Why do people like romance or comedy?Today I was at the beach with my mum and brother and they were having 'fun'. But me, I was sitting in the tent fucking crying cos it is too hot for me to do anything. It was so fucking noisy I hate it all. I am such a fucking disappointment. Why was I born. Why?",Depression +15759,"Hello reddit, i am a 16 year old boy and i have came to the conclusion that i am not smart, and the worst part about it is that throughout my life i have had all kinds of people telling me that i am smart. My parents, siblings, friends, parents friends etc. Everyone seems to think that i am smart. but i have almost all my life been a very observant person and so i came up to the conclusion that my mental ability does not stand out from people in my life at all. school mostly bore me and so my grades are pretty mediocre, i have an iq of 110 which is not bad but is not either what people would consider a smart person. but yet, people seem to talk about me as if i were some genius. and i know this post may seem like bragging, its really not. the problem here is that i do not live up to the expections people have of me, i am living in a false bubble of being smart when I am not. and whenever people refer to me as intelligent it feels like a punch straight to my gut as i deep down know I am not. this situation may seem like a small problem, and i know that some people have it far worse than me. but i cannot stop thinking of myself as a pathetic human being that always have fed into this lies of being smart. and its not helping either that all i want is to be intellegent. all i want with my life is to make a difference for other people. but looking at people who have taken the world to where it is now they all share one thing, and that is superior intelligence. the thing i lack and the thing i hate about me the most. i do not know what to do, this whole thing really has taken a hit on my mental and i do not know how to accept it and move on with life. every day seems to be another day marching towards my inevitable death knowing that i do not have what it takes to be remembered by people. in a couple hundred years i will problably be forgotten as some ordinary dude. which is not the type of person i want to be remembered as. I am not smart but people tell me i am",Depression +15760,I am so sad and so lonely and I do not have anyone I can talk to. I do not know what to do. I have tried reaching out to people when I feel desperate and alone but it makes me feel even worse because it just proves no one cares. I do not know where to turn. My life is going nowhere and I do not know how I can fix it when I feel this bad. Sitting around crying is not helping but it is all I can do right now. Right now I just want someone to hug me and tell me it will all be OK. Desperate and alone,Depression +15761,"i risked too much, and now i feel I am losing it all. the thing is, I did not have much to gamble with in the first place and it took everything I had to be strong enough to keep moving forward. I have been trying to get this engineering major finished since I was 26, now I am 30. it is going to still take another year and a half. it is not that I am not smart enough. it is that I have extremely debilitating undiagnosed issues that because me to self destruct and self harm. my level of self hatred is not negligible. people have seen it in me for years. men have told me things like that I have a chip on my shoulder, they ask me why I am doing what I am doing, they use me repeatedly because I have no defense. it is a curse being intelligent at the bottom, especially for a woman. it is almost too painful to describe. and the fact is that I take pains not to blame others and to shoulder burdens on my own. and it is never enough, it is never good enough. I am used up and ruined. the only time things were going well for me, someone greedy and evil saw my happiness and my earnestness and they pounced on me. tricked me, used me up. hurt me beyond measure. and i feel that I am screaming inside but no one seems to care. it is past the point of being too proud to ask for help, it is just that it seems I am asking too late. the efforts I make now seem to be tainted and cursed. having high expectations of myself translates into high expectations of others and when you are down down down in a bad place financially, mentally as a woman believe me the amount of people who judge and mistrust your character is much higher than those willing to be sympathetic or to do anything to help.I make the issue worse by watching misogynist propaganda i find online. I play into that mindset that I am just a dirty slut that deserves to get thrown away, because it hurts so badly to not understand why my life has been so cruel. it almost is a relief to just feel the abuse, feel that i deserve it now because it keeps finding me. what a cursed existence. all because i wanted more from life, and I truly believed that i had been short changed and that if I worked hard enough that things could get better for me. unfortunately for someone that has the label independent woman, it is pretty unappealing in all reality where i am at geographically. not terrible, no one stops me. but people are suspicious. and men seem to just have a sixth sense that my passionate spirit and easy to excite personality and my openness are just ripe to abuse and take advantage of. I have to move in 3 days, i have nowhere lined up. i broke my foot recently and i also got charges for smoking marijuana recently. i had to take medicaid so that i could get some kind of medical care, and i hate myself for what I have become and where I am at now. To me, I am a victim of circumstance and of ignorance (my own). yet no one cares about the particulars when you are down like I am, they just see someone emotionally out of control and our society, the world in general, treats women so disposably. I am extremely aware of my own disposability and the thrill or excitement or hope that allowed me to keep functioning in the past have been taken from me. &#x200B;honestly, I am too overwhelmed to function and too stubborn to give up. I have never felt more misunderstood or more unattractive. I have thoughts of ending my life daily but i lie to the therapist about that because i do not want to end up in some lockdown or for it to be any more obvious how fucking insane I have gone from all of the despair. I feel strongly that at this point, because of my lifelong self destruction, that the only person who would really feel upset would be my mother. and even she is more than aware of the neglect and abuse in my past so even she would probably have to acknowledge that the act has given me some sort of relief. Although she is so religious , maybe she would hate me for it. but it cannot be much worse than having to support your daughter who was ruined mentally by an abusive man and who has such misguided lofty aspirations when in reality, I am nothing more than a used up slut who is too old for a man to love. i know how skewed my perceptions are, it did not matter when i was functional, but now I am not. i do not want to face the consequences of the past . i want to give up because all of my idealism and hope are dead. and I am not even attractive or youthful or anything useful to a man anymore. yes I have got issues bad. i feel so worthless. i feel so hopeless. I am drawn to people that abuse me. I am a burden to the state and to my mother financially. I am not sexually driven or beautiful so i'have no worth to men. I have existed in misery without help for so long that nothing gives me happiness anymore and i attack those that try to help me because I have been hurt so many times. i want to gather all of my belongings, leave this place, leave my stuff with my mom and just drive away and find somewhere beautiful to end my life, alone and solitary and without anyone else around to hurt me. only myself just let me crawl away and die",Suicidal +15762,...so you can see there are humans behind these posts. And their families and pets and friends...How dare any of you fuck with people like this.Well I will be gone. Another faceless and nameless victim of your uncaring bullshit.Ciao fuckers Was going to post my picture.....,Suicidal +15763,"Well, 3 girls, I have ever managed to date me but I only managed them because I find out, later on, they just circumstantial I guess? Just as a why not but never like yeah this is suitable which is bad... Like they kind of start to obsess over me in the honeymoon phase but then once it is gone bye-bye from there on out you know what else is kind of lonely I have friends but since I go to a lot of events etc. they all think I got a lot of friends so no one really reaches out to me... I do not know what I am doing anymore I wish I was white too. Might have better chances with girls being brown, guys lemme tell you the number of times I have had girls say to me their parents thinking my people are creepy so they cannot date a brown guy and that they must be dodgy so it is ingrained in them so they are kind of on edge around me when I am not even like... doing anything bad I am just talking or having fun honestly. I am just a gamer who does not even get mad I am so numb at this point in regards to being depressed I just let go of everything or just accept blame when it is not even my fault because I feel nothing towards it at this point I still think what hurt the most was when two of my friends had new friends and they were saying watch out for me as if I was a predator because of my skin color when in reality I am just an easy going guy and they were like do not sit next to him and watch out for him I am like eh? And just have to laugh it off... I am not dangerous just kind of sucks that this stuff happens so I am tired of trying to find another person but I would love to get married honestly it is a dream of mine as lame as that sounds and I honestly do not go around trying to force girls to date me etc. I am just at a point where I know it will not happen for me what is the point it would be nice but yeah I just know some people are destined to be alone and here I am on Reddit The last girl I liked kind of strung me along for years so lost years of my life on that which was my fault I was too weak to let go but she talked to me and stuff even when she had a bf I was always there, always. Crazy how loneliness can drive someone to actually post online here wow yikes Depressed and venting",Depression +15764,"Like the title says: PROVE TO ME THAT I HAVE VALUE!!I posit that I am nothing more than Meat To Be Wasted, with a handful of people confused enough to believe otherwise due to their own fucked histories. Prove me wrong, or help me figure out a way to remedy shit without hurting anyone. Prove I have value",Depression +15765,You ignorant assholes. How many other people have decided to say fuck it and top themselves because of the absolute fucking shit you people say. You dicks blame people for their pain and then try to save them for your own disgusting pleasure. it is a kink for you. you are too much of a pussy to do it yourself so now you fetishize it at the expense of real human beings. Blood on your hands,Suicidal +15766,"I do not want to talk anymore, I do not want to do anything anymore. if I am not sad, I am angry and irritable. I do not feel good things anymore, I do not feel happy anymore, it is just pain and a dark empty hole. I wish I had it in me to kill myself, but I do not, I wish someone would do it for me, as fucked up as it sounds. I do not see myself getting better or being able to go back to work, or being able to function without being eaten up by my emotions at every second. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, it would be so much easier than rotting away the way I already am. I am on medication, multiple meds. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist, I was just inpatient for 8 days about 2 weeks ago. They fucked me up too, took me oof of a med improperly and then decided to keep me longer because of the withdrawals. I do not feel better, it felt good to get because who wants to be inpatient. But it did not help in the long run. I am back to where I was before except I am not on cymbalta. I have been waiting so long for relief and I am just not getting it. Posting this probably will not help me either, but I do not know what to do anymore. ...",Suicidal +15767,I woke up today and after feeling slightly better for maybe six months I got a letter in the mail my insurance company is reevaluating my claim for long-term disability. I feel like I just went through their evaluation by other MDs a year ago and now they sent a whole package of information for me and my doctor to complete. I am so tired of being in pain everyday and struggling to get through a regular non-work day. I lost my job because of mental and physical health and there is nothing to go back to. How can they do this evaluation again? What if my doctors do not say the correct things on the forms. What if my psychiatrist retires next year? I am shaking with fear because the only way I am surviving is on disability and I was ready to end my life before they took me out of work. I just cannot do it. I am so tired and afraid. I am shaking with fear and dread. I cannot feel this way again. Insurance Reevaluating Disability - Any Experiences or Help?,Depression +15768,Welp fuck it everything I do gets put on the back burner unless I have to go to work. Its always something else (example: one of my cousins has a game they need to go to they will get first priority over me.) I am trying to get my high school diploma threw a trade school program and that gets shot down every fucking time so I am done I am taking myself out of the program and work shitty jobs till I die. I was going for my dreams and they got shot down and burned out of existence. WHILE MY COUSINS AND SIBLINGS CAN GO FOR THEIR FUCKING DREAMS WHILE I GET LOOKED AT AS A FUCKING MISTAKE I WAS FUCKING FORCED TO DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL TO LOOK AFTER MY MOMS FATHER AND FUCKING ABUSED BY HIM SO FUCK IT THEY CAN LAUGH ALL THEY WANT TILL THEY FIND OUT WHEN I MOVE OUT OF THE SHIT HOLE I am IN they will GET NOTHING FROM ME AT ALL. NO MONEY NOT EVEN A FUCKING LETTER UNLESS ITS TO TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A TREE. I am DONE WITH THIS SHIT I have not EVEN GOTTEN MY FUCKING TEMPS I WENT ONCE AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS 18 NOW I am 22 AND STILL NOTHING SO FUCK IT I am A MISTAKE AND I will ALWAYS BE THIS WAY. Fuck my life,Depression +15769,"I have never made any post like this and usually do not reach out and keep things buried inside. I am 27 years old, living in Canada and moving from province to province and city to city to just find an escape, somewhere to be happy. I feel that anywhere I go, even for a walk that I am constantly being judged. Therefore the fear of doing anything always gets in the way of doing anything. I realize a lot of this stems from childhood trauma, family & relationships. Just really unsure if there is a point to life, to any of it.there is obviously more to this story, but its a start, right? Is there a point?",Suicidal +15770,"If you need me, I am probably trying to create happy chemicals. I think my body has lost its ability to produce dopamine.",Depression +15771,watch this ! clubs,Suicidal +15772,"M, 22Ive been feeling off and have been feeling as if I am in peoples way. I feel like I do not do anything right for anybody and that I am just a constant bother to many. Everything seems to be a blur/foggy and I have no energy but feel guilty only because my girlfriend reminds me that I get enough sleep, I eat enough, I feel as if I have nothing to be Depressed about but I still fall into that category even with everything going alright around me. I do not know what is going on with me lately but I have been drinking more after I am done my shifts at work, I feel happy only when I am drinking, and everything else around me has me feeling with an attitude of meh I know these things are wrong or at least feel wrong because others around me constantly say there is nothing to be sad about, or you are good you seem happy on the outside or etc, but I do not know what else to feel other than numb on the inside I guess.It feels good to write these thoughts down instead of lashing out at people or worse; bottle them up inside. But at the same time I just need to find that first step into getting better and more stable mentally. Anyone have any ideas where I could start? Thanks. Not Feeling Like Myself Lately",Depression +15773,"I am pretty much at a low point, maybe not my lowest.... but who cares?I am done, I am over itSocietal pressures still reign over me, I do not want to appear weakBut I do not feel, I know I have to business or reason for being hereNo friends or anyone to help meWhat's even the point anymoreHow can I just leave gracefully?Why do strangers feel the need to keep me here?Suffrage is temporary, I know.... but it ALWAYS returnsI now understand the meaning of money does not buy happinessI have a gaping void inside, and will never be filledI long for a connectionA connection that will never be achieved.......God please bless my soul...... I am done",Suicidal +15774,"the past week I have spent every day crying in my bed. i barely eat, i barely sleep. i do not talk to anybody anymore. i cannot even be bothered to do anything at all. I am on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist but i still have to wait ages until i finally get help.anyone know what i can do in this situation? thank you in advance do not know what to do anymore",Depression +15775,"Since I took the decision I see things differently, i feel calmness, I am not even sad, I feel happy and relieved because I found the solution to all my suffering. I am not scared of death anymore I just have to take the hardest step and say goodbye for once, I do not want anyone to stop me I already made the decision to die but I do not know how to say goodbye",Suicidal +15776,"Recently I feel tired and without motivation again, I just got my highschool diploma and I hoped,that after it, when the stress reliefes, also my mood brighten up again, but it got worse, suicidal thoughts are coming back and the urge to hurt myself is there again. A couple years back I already had depressions but I got out of it without any help, I do not want to go through this again, is there something I can do to minimize the chance that the depression is coming back? I feel like my depression is coming back",Depression +15777,I cannot swear. Or I guess my posts are not important enough. I fucking told you all you are worthless. You probably kill more people than you help. Assholes What the actual,Suicidal +15778,I cannot take this anymore. My spouse is a garbage person will not have any kind of intimacy with me. Were co existing in the same house. I am trying to go on dates I keep getting either rejected or stood up. I cannot take this anymore. I just want to kill myself. I wish I knew how to put myself out of my own misery because I would. My life is beyond miserable. I have no friends. I have nothing to live for. I am ready to just down sleeping pills and end it all. I have never experienced such abuse in a relationship. He cheats on me and is fucking faithful to those other girls so he will not fuck me. I cannot get anyone to even have pity sex with me. cannot get anyone to ask me out on a date. I am over being alive. I am over this shit. My car dosent even work. I have been alone for 25 years. I cannot take it anymore. Someone just. Listen to me. Please help,Suicidal +15779,Fuck you Reddit. I have to post all of that again?Fuck all of you and your Puritanical fucking bullshit.All you do is judge and judge and tell people how fucking wrong they are for feeling the way I do. You do not care. You are all fucking selfish trying to make yourselves feel better. Fuck you all Sweet,Suicidal +15780,"In the past few weeks my depression has came back. Especially today idk I just I am really really really lonely and hurt and not just normal hurt, like everything hurts but especially the place where my heart is suppose to be. I stay up all night and sleep till 2. I push ppl away. I do not know why I keep on doing this to myself. I am just done with myself I wish I was anyone else maybe then I could have a chance but even then I do not think Id manage. I really thought I was getting better, Guess not.",Depression +15781,And I am not sacrificing my entire existance on this planet to work. Its so expensive to live we might as well just die,Suicidal +15782,"I often feel the overwhelming urge to cry, but I just cannot anymore. it is killing me. I do not know what to do. I feel so incredibly sad, but there is just no relieve anymore.Why cannot I cry? I cannot cry anymore",Depression +15783,I have not been this depressed in as long as I can remember. I just cut myself again. I have started to use drugs again. I am going down a dark hole and idk if I can get out this time Feel like this is my lowest low,Depression +15784,"I do not really know what to say. I have bipolar disorder and depression, like a lot of other people. I have tried to kill myself on 2 different occasions both a year apart it is been a year since the last attempt. Tomorrow I am planning to run away from home. I want to go to a store purchase some ropes and possibly hang myself in the mountains that are near the house I am staying at. I do not care what happens after I die , my family are a bunch of assholes and I feel like my friends only reactions would be "" that motherfu*ker finally killed himself"" . I personally hate my family they cannot see that they are the root of the problem. They are the reason I am an atheist, they are the reason I hate woman and that I am bisexual, they are the reason for my depression. The worst of it all they blame it on other people, for example my best friend. I just tired of their shit. I am tired of this shitty life. They put pressure on me to excel in school and they do not realize I cannot handle it. I am 18 and I have heard so many people say that it is not worth killing yourself that life has so much to offer and that kind of bullshit. My family keeps reminding me that I have it easy right now and that the adult life is a lot worse. I know that it is going to be tougher being an adult but I cannot handle how life is now how can I handle it when I am an adult. If I follow through with the running away and buying the rope I will post again. I am tired.",Suicidal +15785,"Almost all throughout life any major and even plenty of minor decisions about education, careers, relationships, family, substance use, even what to eat when to show up and when to sleep. I always pick the worst decisions that because the most pain and misery. And it is never a surprise I make these choices constantly knowing full well it is the worst path. I feel like I am playing a game and my character is bugged to take bad traits and debuffs and speech options. Yet still I will do it again and again and again throwing away anything good or chances at being happy. I know what is good for me and I avoid or self destruct it. The relationships that were good for me whether family, friends, intimate/sexual girlfriends I destroy and the ones that are toxic and bad I tend to. There have been plenty of good and loving caring people that a few still try to help me and yet I push them away. I have hurt people on deep levels and yet they forgive and I disappoint. I just feel broken and hopeless.Sorry if it is all over the place I needed to say something is for myself. Why do I always make the worst choices",Depression +15786,I cannot handle the pain right now and there is not way out. I just want to die right now before I make things even worse I cannot take it,Depression +15787,"Burned myself badly. I do not need to talk to anyone. I posted it on here because I want someone to know that I am hurt. I saw a thread about how loved ones are holding people back. I do not really have anyone. My parents neglected me, and I do not have any siblings.I just pace around talking to myself in the dark until I go to sleep. Scorching burns on my chest and ankles",Suicidal +15788,"I did it as a reminder of how horrible I am. If I am not able to kill myself one day, I will just ruin my body in any way I can. I carved the word whore into my thighs",Suicidal +15789,"No more loneliness. No more CPTSD from hell. No more voices screaming at me in my head all the time. No more isolation. No more guilt and shame. No more stress and anxiety. No more burnout. No more self hatred. No more vicious circles. No more being left out. No more overwhelm. No more panic attacks. No more horror. No more nightmares. No more intrusive thoughts. No more heartbreak. No more watching yourself slowly die a painful death. No more putting up with all the stupid and horrible shit in this fucked up world. No more reliving the traumas. No more fighting everyday to just survive. No more being misunderstood. No more being invalidated. No more coping with all the horrible fucking shit I have been through. No more starving for love and connection. No more overthinking. No more abuse. No more fear. No more eating disorders. No more awareness. No more shutting down. No more racing thoughts. No more self harm. No more being completely fucking miserable. No more spending everyday alone and becoming more and more insane. No more shaking and screaming out in pain and have nobody to comfort you. No more rage. No more sobbing and screaming for help. No more abandonment. No more hopelessness. No more helplessness. No more being torn apart. No more failing. No more being useless. No more derealization. No more depersonalization. No more Catch 22. No more being stuck in hell and burning alive day in and day out. No more suffering. No more pain.&#x200B;I have had enough, this ends now. I am ending my life soon, thought at least someone should know.",Suicidal +15790,"Been feeling completely unmotivated and struggling to do basic things... Idk why I am writing this here, maybe just yelling into the void but lately I have not had any motivation to do anything and I know it is having an impact on my life ranging from basic everyday human needs to even the things that used to excite me I have no interest in to the point I barely want to get out of bed. If you read this I truly thank you and open to hearing any opinions on anything I can to do. Can barely get out of bed",Depression +15791,"Lately I have been fixated on my future, especially a future with my partner. I am turning 14 this September and I am freaking out. I have been telling myself since I was 11 that I would kill myself before I turn 14. I was planning on actually doing it but things have changed. I am just beyond happy that I found someone who seems to perfect yet still loves someone as not perfect as me. he is been with me for a few months over a year, and we tell each other everything. we have been talking about our future together, like what our wedding would be like, where our future home would be, our future pets ect. I love the future we have created in our minds. I would do anything for that to be our reality. Lately I have been feeling almost normal. Like the pure pain of life is no more than a slight pinch. I still have those days that make me want to end everything, but I have a lot of days where I am happy, and excited for my life.I have not felt that way in a long time, I am not sure what to do now.... What do I do know?",Depression +15792,but its making me feel worse. I do not have any energy to do things but not doing them makes me feel useless. I do not even really have anything to do. I feel like I am stuck in an endless cycle. I feel empty. there is just a void there. it feels like there is a physical weight on my body and everything feels heavy. i love mornings but i cannot stop sleeping until the afternoon. I am exhausted from doing nothing. i cannot even really cry anymore. i constantly feel like I am on the verge of tears but i cannot cry. I have been like this for so long I am honestly used to it but at the same time its driving me crazy. everyone around me is used to it too so no one notices. i feel invisible. all I want to do is sleep,Depression +15793,"I just want to stay in my room forever playing video games and watching anime. that is all I am living for. Life is hell outside of that. I have been left to die by my love, friends, parents. Worrying about money and being homeless all the time for what? Just to suffer more Life hurts too much",Suicidal +15794,I do not want to wait. I want night to come so I can sneak to the kitchen and consume all my antidepressants. My mom and sister are in there right now. I know this will hurt them. I am being selfish. I do not want to think anymore. I do not want to wait,Suicidal +15795,I am not religious but do believe in God. But that is not why I am here.I want to cease to exist so badly that sometimes I pray for it.I keep forgetting to buy the things I need to finish the job off. Maybe I should tomorrow. But I am such a coward. When I pray for my release,Suicidal +15796,"Drugs do not effects me anymore, or Self harm or drinking, fuckk !!! I am soooo angry,.I want to make everyone feels my sadness and hopeless so bad: when I hang mself Bitch, I am so so dark , so fucking dark I do not fucking feel anything ok! I am empty like shit",Suicidal +15797,I want to stop thinking about it. I have never attempted but have been in a psych ward and not allowed to leave for thoughts of it and alcoholism. I keep thinking of trying to hang myself though and I am scared it will progress to actually doing it. I do not want to go back to the psych ward though. It was like jail and very expensive and there is a spike in covid in my area. I relapsed recently in drinking. I was doing so well and now all I can think about is how sick and miserable I am. A guy I liked told me not to contact him for a week after I quit drinking. I guess he did not really like me that much. All I can do it seems like is sit here feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. I do not know how to snap out of it. I want suicidal ideation to stop,Suicidal +15798,"Fuck it, I am done with this. I do not want to go through this anymore. I want a change. I want to cry my eyes out until I pass out. Tomorrow I might take all my antidepressants and see what happens. I do not know. Fuck. Help me. What do I do. I do not want to do this but I do not want to do anything else. Fuck it",Suicidal +15799,its been seven years of the same shit and I have lost hope of it ever getting better. i wish i could just die peacefully today. i do not want to fight anymore,Suicidal +15800,A few minutes ago I realized that my friendship with someone that I once thought of as the best friend I ever had was over. I unadded her on everything. Its my fault the friendship ended I got into one of these moods and pushed her away. I thought she was better off without me. I am an ass I know. My summer job just ended. I felt good at it and now I am back to how I felt before. Empty tired. No matter what I always end up back here. Thinking about the bottle of sleeping pills I have hidden in my room if I get to low. Everyone leaves that damn statement is what I always come back to. Everyone leaves. I have taken more hits then I can handle.,Suicidal +15801,My friend texted me today saying they are tired of my fantasies of people hating me they think I am just saying it because I can get away with it. Idk what to think about it I genuinely think this way and I do not know what to do anymore. Friend thinks I am faking,Depression +15802,"Sorry, if I brought you down on anything but today I just cannot take it anymore. The boiling point of bottled up emotions just burst up today.Sorry, ut was just a rant. I wanted to let things out and this is one the best mediums for that. Today I just cried, cried and just cried.",Depression +15803,"I do not care what anyone says, for some people their is no hope in life. I have accepted that I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life. Why? Chronic depression, social anxiety, bdd, agoraphobia, and extremely low self-esteem is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have already accepted I am never going to get a girlfriend. I am not working anymore because I do not see the point in making money when nothing even makes me happy. I do not find pleasure in anything I do. Everything feels like a goddamm chore. I am tired of getting drunk then waking up feeling even more miserable. I am tired of everything. I hate my life and want out. it is not going to get better",Suicidal +15804,I was up all night wanting to kill myself and leave everything behind. I am not a very emotional person so I do not talk about this stuff with people. Even when I really need to I can never get myself to cry. I cry like once every six months and when I am down I just feel like my eyes are tired and dry and they hurt like hell. I feel like a husk of a human being and then I think about how I have not felt happy in what3 years? I spiraled deeper and deeper until I felt like I could not breathe. All I can think about all the time is how much I want to die. And then I remember the people around me and how much they love me and that makes me even sadder. I just want them to forget me and let me die. Sadness and anger do not go well together and I am a byproduct of that broken marriage. I do not even want to turn back time I just want to disappear and everyone can forget they ever met me. At night I lay in my bed thinking about how much I hate myself and how much I hate everything else even more. The state of the world is going one way and its obviously not up. Life is like waiting in line for a roller coaster for five hours and when you finally to the front they fucking announce the ride is out of service.Sleeping is even harder because I just have a harder time sleeping with each passing night so I just decide oh I do not need sleep ll just sleep whenever my body gives out but then I remember that sleep is the only way for me to forget that I exist and that its an easy way to avoid my emotions. I try to nap during the day but end up crawling to my desk and just sitting there and then crawling back to my bed. I am going to cut this short because its too long. I am pretty emotionally constipated so naturally one night it hit me like a truck.,Suicidal +15805,"Everyone around me is wearing t shirt while I am wearing long sleeved shirts and hoodies. it is the only way I can hide my permanent scars on both my left and right arm. Its so much as well, it is all across my arms. I look like a lunatic wearing hoodies and long sleeved shirt. The fact that I have school as well does not help. I hope summer ends fast. I hate summer",Depression +15806,"I feel so trapped in my mind, the feeling that I will never be normal or see things the right way is torture. All I want is to fit in, and people that understand me. I have Level 2 Aspergers, which leads to constantly bullying, being excluded, and always being the odd one out.. I cannot live like this and might OD soon. Free me out of my autistic head. Autism is a hellhole, I am so ashamed.",Suicidal +15807,"I do not really know why I am writing about this but we all know that it is obvious.I just feel like I am forced to live dealing with other people's shit every single day,it is fucking tiring.I do not even know if I am still depressed or I am just fucking floating because nothing really fucking matters anymore.Hurt me then hurt me say shit about me then say shit about me we""ll all die anyway but knowing this makes things alot more worse because being happy or choosing to be happy feels stupid and meaningless. The world is really fucked up",Depression +15808,I am going into 8th grade and I am sick and tired of all these fucking girls hating me for nothing. If I am walking near one and accidentally touch their hand i say sorry and they scream ew blake just touched my hand. Wtf is wrong with people. I should kill myself and get someone to send them my hand so they can scream it again. School,Suicidal +15809,The act of being human is a waste. We exist to pay taxes and leave carbon footprints,Depression +15810,Today I have to go to a birthday party for my little cousin second birthday. And I really just do not want to be around my family right now I just want to stay in my bed and be depressed in peace. I do not want to be around everyone and have to put on a fake smile because that is what everyone expects for me. I just want to be alone in my bed I just want to stay home,Depression +15811,"what is the point of living lol like what is the point of stressing myself, earning / saving money, hitting deadlines, working out, and just bothering to exist?????? Nothing makes me grateful I exist. it is so fucking painful, it is even worse whn you hate the body you are in When does it get better",Depression +15812,Should I wait until I give birth or better do it as it is now? About to die but I am pregnant,Suicidal +15813,I do not have many interests and some people suggested to read. I do not like reading or hate it I just want to try some things I have not done beforeTry something new other than porn and texting girls every day. Do comics count as reading? What are some good books to read? That might make me smarter?,Depression +15814,"I am working 35+ hours a week and still not making enough to get by. I have $50,000 student debt, almost $10,000 medical debt, no home, no health insurance. I need new shoes. I need glasses. I have not seen a doctor or dentist in 10 years. What is the point of all this if I am working myself to live in misery and hopelessness? I have a college degree and lots of experience and I cannot get a better paying job anywhere. Besides that I am now finding I am sucking at my job because of the depression and general feeling that nothing can get better. I do not know what else to do. Thanks for listening. end of my rope",Suicidal +15815,"I hate myself so much. I am such a fucking loser. I want to die. I ask for it. I even pray. But I go on, toddling through my stupid fucking life, embarrassing myself and being a walking talking example of what a fuck-up is. Just today I made two more mistakes. Two more fuck ups. Two more things that cost me more time and money than they should have. No matter what, no matter what the choice or option, I WILL make the wrong decision.Lord please strike me from this damned earth. Kill me. I am tired of being a disappointment and the worlds joke. All I Do Is Make Mistakes",Suicidal +15816,"I am not sure when I will kill myself, that largely depends on how things turn out and largely random chance and circumstances. But it will probably be sometime in the next couple of years. It does not really make me feel sad, because once you are dead you do not exist, so nothing you did matters. It makes me feel so relieved that all of the bullshit in my life and all my stupid decisions can just not be my problem any more. Life is hard and I am not very tough, and I am stupid enough to consistently unwittingly sabotage myself. Offing myself literally solves all my problems at once, I am surprised more people do not do it. But most people also bring children into the world to suffer, and I do not understand the reasoning behind that either. I do not view my own suicide as something tragic. it is a relief.",Suicidal +15817,"Too bad it is so scary. it should not be. everything i do is impure. these hands are tainted and disgusting&#x200B;i would like people to just keep whatever they think of me now in their hearts because maintaining a living, breathing human being, especially one that is this fucked up and terrible, is difficult. draining I want to be a memory of myself. existing is so painful.",Suicidal +15818,"Sorry if this is not the right subreddit to post this but I have no clue where to ask this or how to ask this! But years ago I was going through hormone changes growing up etc... I called the hotline years back because I did not know who to turn to. I have came a long way since then. No longer have these feelings anymore and I have been working to build a better life for me and get educated. I am just concerned that me calling them would effect my life in the future- IE put on a watchlist or barred from doing certain things in the future, career being thrown in a psych ward etc.. does that actually happen? I just want to put my mind at ease while I work hard for my future goals. Thanks Called the hotline years ago",Suicidal +15819,I do not want to be selfish and leave them behind but I am all alone and its too hard. No one is there for me in the way I need. Half the time I am told not to cry and to just be strong none of which make me feel any better. How is it fair that I have to stay alive just to not because any pain but I have to do it all alone. I am 22 and I have been struggling with depression and a whole list of disorders since I was 8 and I am tired. I am tired And I do not want to keep pushing anymore. Its not getting better. No one will stand with me through it and I cannot do it on my own. I am tired and I do not want to keep trying I do not want to i do not have anymore to give. I do not have anywhere else to talk about this so I am venting here How is it fair that I am staying alive for people around me but they cannot/do not even provide the emotional support I need to keep me going ?,Depression +15820,Why am I so stupid I am currently pushing everyone away,Suicidal +15821,"Please help me, I am thinking about why I am even alive at all. Even after going to a mental hospital, I still feel depressed and deep in pain and I keep hiding it. I do not want to but I do not know what else to do but this. Some friends found out that I am a furry and kept bullying me about it and now I do not have a lot of friends.",Suicidal +15822,"It hurts. I need to be comforted so bad. I do not even know what what it feels like, I just know I need it.I know others feel like this too. Sometimes I think if I could find them then maybe we could comfort eachother. But I also know that is not realistic. The need for human connection exists in all of us. I am sick of looking for this comfort in alcohol",Suicidal +15823,HE WAS A VIRGIN AND ONCE HE GOT MY PUSSY HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME I want to FUCKING DIE WHYYY HE USED ME,Suicidal +15824,The thing that scares me the most about depression is succumbing to it. I want to beat it but it terrifies me that it could get so bad that I reach a breaking point. I am 27 now and trying my best to keep going. Hanging on.,Depression +15825,If I do not I going to you know. First day of my days off. My plan is to sleep the weekend away and get back to working faster.,Suicidal +15826,"This is not exclusively a comment on my life; but on the lives of many. As they say, life is not fair. Yet the part that we do not want to think about is: how does one cope with the pain? What does one do once their pain is too much for them? If we discuss it from a moral standpoint, the answer is clear. If existence causes someone such suffering, ending that existence is the humane course of action. That is why we put down pets who have terminal illnesses that cannot be cured. Yet when it is a human being, this suddenly is no longer the case. The humane course of action is to commit the person to extensive and grueling mental training in a decrepit and underfunded system in the hopes that it may change their mindset. This just teaches them to put up with it, not improving their quality of life. Therefore, it is essentially an incurable illness with an option for treatment. However, if someone goes through the treatment and has so little improvement that they still believe their life is worth ending, who is anybody else to stop them. It is cruel to try to keep pushing them back into the mental health system, against their will and best interest. Yet we deem this morally acceptable and go so far as to expect people to report worrisome behavior to professionals so that those people can be forced into treatment. Existence is pain, and for many, this pain is too great to bear. These people should have the right to end their life, free of the stigma and resistance society and the establishment impose. I have been through the mental health system twice, hospital down to personal therapy. I have seen little to no improvement in my quality of life, only a change in mindset that tells me to do something to take my mind off of my issue instead of confronting it and trying to solve it. I cannot deal with my pain any longer, and logically the solution is suicide, yet any time I begin to set up a plan I get caught. It frustrates the hell out of me that people refuse to let me do what I want with my life. Existence is Pain",Depression +15827,"I got fucking drunk because i was borend and proceeded to call a friend, tell him I feel suicidal and fucking harmed myself when I was on face time with him, he called some friends of mine and they are all worried.I even told him the date I was supposed to kill myself. I hate this, they all want to tell my parents so now I am obligated to tell them and feel even more suicidal than before. (F16) i got drunk and cut myself on facetime with a friend",Suicidal +15828,"I had a breakdown, put the cord around my neck, but could not hold it. I am a loser through and through. I have given up. God please kill me. Please. I just realized I will most likely fail a class I need to begin my practicum. I am already two years behind everyone my age.",Depression +15829,"everythings so magical, kind of sad to realise it this late. got to enjoy every second now <3 enjoying this special night",Suicidal +15830,"Today my fiance left me because she did not love me anymore. I really thought we would grow old together, have children and all that stuff. Now I cannot see a reason to keep on living. She was the one thing in my life that was a shining light.The only reason why I have not ended it yet is my family. I do not want them to be this sad.I am on the fucking edge and everything i see now is dark ess.I just want to hold here again. Smell her hair, laugh together, watch shitty tv shows together and be happy. My fiance left me and i only see darkness",Suicidal +15831,"i know this is a common problem, i have anxiety and depression and its really draining. i constantly beat myself up mentally when I am not doing something productive. i see all my friends doing things productive like working out etc. i just feel useless and lazy most of the time and i just want to lay in bed and watch netflix. its not that i do not have an interest in doing things that are productive, my body just does not want to DO them, am i being lazy or is it something else? i really struggle with motivation and energy, any advice?",Depression +15832,Does anyone else have a therapist that tries to convert you to christianity? I am an atheist and My therapist does every time I see her. I just want to get better not get converted. Therapists that try to convert you,Depression +15833,"I do not even want to write anything bevor I destroy my ohne and computer I want to destroy everything in my home. I need help but nobody wants to help me, I hate you I hate you I hate me I hate this world I just want to scream, I hate it I fucking hate this life these people these humans this humanity I fucking hate me. I am so angry",Suicidal +15834,"can everyone just get off my case? everyone feels like an annoyance, even if they are well-intentioned. i hate that i cannot help but feel like a calloused bitch all the time. i wish i could just recluse into my own world, without family or friends or responsibilities, without being perceived by others, without being perpetually overwhelmed. wanting to be left alone",Depression +15835,"I (22 M) have always felt beaten down and worthless ever since I was a child. I had a very emotional abusive father who would scream and belittle me over every little thing I did wrong. This has since then made me feel like I can never amount to anything that matters. Growing up I was always the weird sensitive kid in class which led to me not having many friends, and the few I would make always seem to abandon me. This has given me so many trust issues and I just feel as if almost nobody actually cares for me with a few exceptions. Now in my early adult years, I am working a pharmacy tech job that is eating away at my little bit of sanity I have left. I barely make ends meet, I am constantly screamed at and bullied around by customers and I just do not feel that life is worth living anymore. My family is broken, I gave up on religion as it inly filled me with anger and nothing i used to enjoy makes me happy anymore. I have a gf and a rescue dog who I love very much, they are the only things keeping me going. but I am so tired of acting happy and content in life. I do not want to live a life where I just work a job i hate, then come home, put on a fake smile and anxiously wait for my next shift to start. I am just tired and I feel like I need to start worrying about my own needs for once but I just do not know how to. I just do not want to live a life where I am just working to pay bills thn die. Idk my head hurts, rant over for now. I am going to go cry now. sorry for bad grammar I am just tired of everything. (Rant)",Depression +15836,"Life has no meaning besides the one we give it. Only, i have no desire to give it any. Life is what you make it. But i do not want to make it, i want to un-make it. Maybe I have been staring at the solution this whole time. So what do you do when there is nothing you want expect one thing...",Depression +15837,"This is it. This is... Life. Life is just working until you die.I am not going to unlock some fantasy superpowers, I am not the protagonist of any story. I am not going to fight demons or fly or visit unknown worlds.it is just... 80 years of working, working, working, and then... You die. you are forgotten. that is it. you have lived for nothing.I do not want to live in that sort of world. I want to matter.But I cannot because I do not have talents, nor do I have an unusual power. I do not have any significant family members or ancestors. I am just... Another body. Another body in the system. Just a number. that is it, that is all I am.I do not want to live in this world. I want to kill myself and be reborn in a different world. I do not want to believe that... That this world is just. That. it is just a system and we are the workers.Just a hive and we are the bees.We do not matter.We just do not matter. I cannot believe it",Suicidal +15838,"Things do not happen for me. I am so tired of being a loser. How the fuck do i suck at everything so much? Is my life just going to be a grind to make things get going for me, only that nothing is going for me no matter how hard i try.",Depression +15839,A little backstory me and my girlfriend I have gone through some things but we have been OK for a while recently I have been dealing with depression.My depression is like this I have depression where I can barely even speak I do when I am told just so I can go back to my room into my bed and watch movies I have not even turned on my bedroom lights that is a staple of my room I have been super tired lately where I just fall asleep I took a shower yesterday and I basically felt so tired and I could not even stay awake I cannot even pull myself together do you even form a sentence I have not even change clothes or cleaned up my bedroom from my sleepover because I felt so like what is the point I have not even looked for my TV remote to use my TV I just want to use my phone to watch thingsI basically only had instant noodles today and I did not even finish that I went downstairs for that and water and only downstairs to do things my mom asked so I can quickly go back to my bedroom and be depressedI told my girlfriend about it and she basically said we had the same depression when for a fact I know we do not she goes out and gets drunk with her friends she is surrounded by family that gets to help her and cares when I am surrounded by family that just keeps to themselves most of the time she gets to have all these supportive friends to text and everything well the only two people I get that are my best friends do not really ever talk to me I do not really show that they care about my mental healthI just feel like me and her do not deal with depression in the same way And it kind of upsets me how she claims we do when were the fact we do not I just do not know how to feel or what to do I just feel really heard that she would claim we have the same depression Told my gf abt my depression ( trys and says we have same depression),Depression +15840,"Ok so I am a bit down about a different thing that Ill eventually process and get over once I clear my head, so I am going to go for a long drive. I have been wanting to do some driving for a while but I never felt like it until today. Time to do some more exploring and not think about anything! Clearing my mind",Depression +15841,"I was servery mentally bullied as secondary school to the point where I did not want to eat in the lunch hall. It basically started as somthing small in year 8 and got worse as the years went on. The people who would bully me where for the most part quite popular and because I was quiet in class they considered me a eazy target. The craziest thing is that when I was in year 9, for a time my demeanour was serious and I started to get respect but the problem is that some of the bullies knew a lot of people outside of school so I would b scard to keep that up in front od them and the it got worse again. I was made fun out of in class or told I was made fun out of in a class I was not in. I do not think I really had a day when someone would not say or do somthing to upset me. I have been called many mean names by bullies and even people who I did not really know such as dopey, ugly, weird to the point where I would believe it and when my friends was still in class and i had lunch I would wast time by spending it in the toilet so that everyone would not see me on my own.When it got to year 10 and 11, it was more of the isolation that hurt me. I would be with other friends and a couple of people who I know but not friends would come into the group and greet everyone except me and my friends would have an awkward look on their face but this was almost daily. Then the popular kids would start to talk to my friends more and invite them to hang out while disregarding me.I used to get hugs from some girls in school before the bullying got soo bad ( hugs were a big thing in school) but when It got wors I would not get any. I felt completely isolated and although my friends would help me when the saw me being bullied it was not enough. Someone in class one day after speaking with me said that I was a cool person and do not know why people do not like me. At that point I felt grateful and said thanks but yeah at that point most people in my year either would not want to associate with me because of rumours or joined in the with the bullies behind the scenes.I never went to any parties in school and their was lots due to me not being invited and when I finished school I lacked social skills to talk to girls as I considered myself inferior but I did have some girls checking me out once I got in shape and when I was working at a party at 18.. a girl who was 5 years older and very attractive was talking to me and touching me was clearly giving me signs that she wanted to have sex but because I spent so long being isolation I could not pick up the cue and missed the opportunity.I sometimes blame my parents for not picking up on me being bullied as a kid. I never told them and acted as if everything was fine but it was not and some days when the bullying would be soo bad when I got home I would just sleep the day away and my parent would just assume I was tired.To this day I wonder how my life would have turned out if I had told my parents and if I stood up for myself. And sometimes have dreams about me being bullied as a kid (have not had it in about 2 years now)Being bullied has taught me that you have to stand up for yourself no matter what or who it is and I have been applying this ever since I left school and have never been bullied since because as soon as I would hear something I did not like I would react straight away without any hesitation and the person would either apologise or back down.To conclude, I am currently 23 M who do not really have much friends due to me not trusting most people. I am sensitive to sounds like err or words like ugly or disgusting and somtimes get paranoid and think people are talking to me I encounter and at times feel like just going on a train and never look back. Tbh if I had enough money I would pack my things and live in another country by myself. Are my thoughts rational?",Depression +15842,"At the moment I do not even feel that bad, just kind of numb and aimless. I am sure there is stuff in my head I have not dealt with but they do not seem to come to the surface on an emotional level. I want to just cry it all out, or at least some of it. That uncontrollable sobbing type of cry that you cannot stop even if you wanted to. I think that would clean my system and make me feel lighter for a while. I would like a good cry.",Depression +15843,"I just found out that my husband of 16 years cheated on me over the course of a year with a half dozen high-price prostitutes while away at business conferences two years ago. I am about to give birth to our first child, docs say any day now. I found out because a medical test revealed precancerous cells on my cervix; he brought home HPV. I would never snooped his phone before in all this time, but last night it was like an autopilot march to the gallows.I have not even thought about another man in about 20 years. All I ever wanted was him. All I can think about is giving birth and then bleeding myself out. I have been asking the baby to please hurry up so I can stop hurting. Now that is the only thing I want. I have not slept or eaten since I found out last night. I think I am already dead. I was so happy.",Suicidal +15844,All I do all day is think about how annoying I must be to everyone I hate having no one to actually speak to because every time I ask any of my friends to talk they make excuses to avoid it maybe I am not the only one who hates myself this much I hate myself and I think everyone else does too,Depression +15845,I constantly feel isolated from everyone in my life. I feel like nobody really cares about me no matter how much they say they do. How do you guys deal with the feeling of being alone?,Depression +15846,"in 16f, have been passively suicidal since i was 13. i have friends but no one i can truly talk to. my family used to be ok but my father spends all the money on gambling and i study in a private school. my fees are due but he does not care, my mom is always worried. he and my mom fight like, every 2 days. I am so tired I am so tired I am so tired. i wish i never was born in the first place, cutting is not enough anymore. i feel so ugly, my father has probably spent all savings on gambling idk if ill even be able to get into a college because we have no money now. my friends are barely even friends, i can never talk to them about this stuff. i just want to die, I am so tired. i cannot keep up with life, school is killing me and so is everything else. i tried getting better, i really did. i read countless self help books, meditated. nothing truly helps. I am so tired i really just wish i could die in my sleep tonight. i hate people who try to say that I am not really suicidal, they do not know my family life, tye financial problems and debts, the self hatred and loathing, the anxiety. all i want to do is to stop feeling. i do not want a consious. pls just lmk any foolproof method of dying or if overdosing causes pain or not. i want to cease existing, want a foolproof way out",Suicidal +15847,"I have nothing in life for so long. No close family, no friends, NOTHING. The only thing I had was university. Well today I got mixed up with the date of my final exam. It was yesterday and not today. Exam for which I studied so hard even with this fucking depression - and now I will obviously fail. I want to end it so bad. I fucked up the only thing I had",Depression +15848,"I am still depressed but I am overall improving. Ever since I overdosed on some pills I have finally found out why pills are the scariest thing you could die from. it is painless and takes up to 3 hours to kick in. Because it is painless, you are not aware when you are going to die, you just hope you are going to die. Now I am starting to feel wanted by other people. I sometimes feel like a burden to people, that feeling has not gone away. But I hope someday I will be as happy as a normal person. I just want people to know that saying you are going to take your life is a bad mindset, then actually attempting it is a darker place. You could feel alive or you could feel disappointed. Both are valid thoughts. I am having the feeling of wanting to drop everything again and give up. But because of one person, I am hanging by a single pathetic thread and they are the love of my life. Right now I am starting to come out of my she will and open up more. I just feel I am forcing myself to be an extrovert. Starting to feel better",Depression +15849,"i know ill probably get deleted or hated or something. but just the existence of AGP makes me want to stop living. my entire life i have been traumatized by the concept that women are just sex objects, that they are just sexy or cute and dumb and all this other stuff. rarely seeing women representing in the ways men are, and then seeing men get so angry when we bring that up.I have been suicidal before because of that, and tried to take my own life in 8th grade, but failed.this shit has made me feel so bad about existing that it made me think i was trans, so i could just be a man and stop having to live as the inferior class. it took a lot to overcome all of this and learn how to love myself for who i am, and that the sexist notions of womanhood do not define me.but then the other side of the coin.. men who find sexual pleasure in being degraded like a sexy dumb and cute girl. everything men have always made me feel like a woman is, now they are getting off on it. i even dated a male who wanted me to call them a stupid girl in the bedroom while i pegged them, they called themselves a bimbo. they got off to the idea of being a woman. they got to enjoy a full male childhood, still had male hobbies, still did not know what it was like to be treated like a woman in the world. but they got the best of both worlds. they watched sissy hypno porn, which basically told them they were turning into a woman who was going to be fucked like a useless whore. and they liked to dress up like the girls they were attracted to (which is not bad by itself, i would love it if they did that without calling themself a woman)to see males taking hormones to give themselves breasts because they are attracted to breasts and they want to play with them, and hold them and own them. makes me feel like a sex object again for having breasts naturally.and a lot of these dudes feel like its right for them, because it makes them feel happy. and that is all it takes to see women as sexual objects to buy, if it makes a male feel good inside.I have even seen males who do not identify as women but they just want to go on HRT so they can have a body that they are personally attracted to. idk, if people understood all of this, if society knew about this, maybe i would not feel so hopeless. but common consensus nowadays is that all of these people are just the same as any other woman.i cannot say any of this to anyone because I will get called hateful. I would not be surprised if this post was removed by mods, or I am hounded by comments telling me how shitty I am. But this is my truth. I want to die. I do not want to live anymore because all the sexist shit that has haunted me my entire life can just be a fetish for a male, and we have to respect and treat them like they are no different from me.i feel like the one little thing women have in life, they have taken that too.i know that I am a terrible person. but i cannot stop seeing this. and that is another reason i want to die. because everyone would think I am a shitty person for thinking this way.ill probably delete this. sorry :( the suicidal feelings come and go, and its because I am a terrible person.",Suicidal +15850,"I have forever had bad thoughts and always had the desire to stop feeling anything and drugs would not fill that void. For a long time I thought just average call of the void, but it got too real last night. After some relationship issues last night I went for a drive around 2 AM. Completely sober; not completely conscious. Trying to clear my mind on some back roads blasting music I began building speed. Numb to the freezing air that touches me and numb from thoughts at this point I saw an oncoming car. The thought of driving into oncoming traffic consumed me. Maybe I could finally feel free. As it approached my mind was committed yet my body locked. Last second I could not pull myself to do it because too many people would be hurt including the innocent person in the car. That guilt is what leaves me here. These thoughts still persist occasionally because it is just so fucking hard to enjoy the happy things in life when anything negative drowns it out. I wish I could make it stop, but I get these highs and lows and I just recently thought I was at my highest I have ever been... just for it all to come crashing down. Now I have to put a fake face as if its all alright. Truth be told I am just fucking done. Not so comfortably numb",Suicidal +15851,"The past year has been rough. I am high functioning autistic so I do not have a very large circle of friends due to social anxiety.It has mostly been me, my mom and dad, and my girlfriend of 3 years.My mom just passed away from cancer back in April. Losing her has been rough on both me and my father.Today I had a particularly awful interaction with a customer at my job and it caused me to have an anxiety attack. My boss felt bad so he gave me the rest of the afternoon off. I arrived home 2 hours earlier than expected and walked in on my girlfriend having sex with my father.I completely lost it and verbally threatened to attack them. They called the police and now I have a citation to appear in court for making threats.I feel so betrayed by the only two people I have left in this world.I am so alone right now and I want to cut my throat and bleed out. I need someone to talk to please. I need a friend right now more than ever. I have nothing and nobody. I am in crisis right now and need someone to talk to.",Suicidal +15852,"I am 21 yrs old and a virgin. I have been dealing with bv since I was 17 years old and nothing I tried worked, Boric Acid Sea Salt suppositories, Acv soaks, Antibiotics NOTHING!! I am so miserable I hate my life. I have been hiding away in my room for 5 years now straight only going to the store to grab food and come back. I do not go anywhere because i know people can smell me. Every birthday i had I sit in my room and cry. I went to the doctor and they think I am lying because my test comes back negative. but you know when you smell and other have told me I smelled as well including family. I just want a normal 21 year old life.. go out have fun, get drunk, party, hook up, have one night stands you know ? I never been in a relationship and I want too so badly because I feel like I need human connection because I feel myself slowly slipping away each day. and it sucks because I am actually pretty not to sound conceited, because I did not even realize how pretty I was until people told me. I just hate this so much. No one understands, no matter how much i shower I feel disgusting, I have a stench so bad that I had to quit my job because my coworkers was talking about me. i literally smelled like poop. I cried everyday coming home from work and it was a really good paying job. Sorry if this is so long and I doubt anyone will read this but I really needed to let this out because I am so tired and miserable I am crying as I type this. I want to work a job, I want to have friends, I want a normal life but nothing is working. I spend all of my money that I do get on different home remedies to cure bv. I literally overdrafted my bank account $300+ just so I can buy things to help my bv but nothing does. I do not want to be like this forever and I am sad that I will. Bv is making me depressed",Depression +15853,"its becoming too much for me, I have already attempted twice this week by drowning myself. but i need more, i need to leave. I am getting overwhelmed at the slightest inconveniences. I have basically just become an unstable mess. i cannot bring myself to feel joy anymore. i feel extremely numb, and i need an oulet for it. i cannot distract myself anymore.",Suicidal +15854,"I have been feeling very suicidal the past couple of months on and off. no one really knows but they know I am depressed.I have a psychiatrist and he checks in every three weeks on me to see how my medication is going. I have been on cipralex since May. I also take vyvanse and lorazepam. I am in Bounceback and started group therapy for victims of abuse.I noticed my suicidal thoughts mostly come up when I am triggered and others upset me.when my mentally abusive boyfriend gaslight me in March I called a helpline saying I think I needed to go to the hospital but she told me she thinks I should stay home since I was not actively trying to kill myself right then and there or had a very specific plan. I went to the hospital anyways because I did not think it was good advice. my boyfriend broke up with me because of it. the breakup was very toxic and traumatizing, he still continued with the abuse after I was out of the hospital. worse than he ever had mentally abused me. it kills me that he did not care that I felt like I was drowning.I have adhd also so I am extremely sensitive to loud annoying sounds. specifically my parents slamming dishes and stomping around. when I have mentioned it to them they tell me to get over it, its their house if I do not like it get out.the two times where I have mentioned killing myself they do not believe it. they have said ya right or do it.I live in a very toxic household but I feel like it is my fault because I could just leave? but at least I have a roof over my head.but I cannot because I have no where else to go. I do not make good money and need to go back to college. I am 23 and still need to get my drivers license too. I try to study but then the noises start or I get too depressed and want to lay in bed. I feel like no one truly cares about me. the only reason I am really holding on is because I do not want me niece to wonder what happened to auntie. she is too young to understand. I hate that I let people have so much power and control over me.. my mom is controlling and so was my ex.I do not have friends other than my sister and my friend that lives two hours from me and replies to me once a week. she apologizes and tells me she loves me every time she takes long to reply but I feel like I just annoy her. I enjoy working out, sunshine and being at work to get away + have interaction but I do not love my career and I do not make much money. that is about it. I have never been this depressed or had these thoughts before. the thoughts started in February.the depression started when lockdown happened and I lost my business, forced into a long distance because I was in a binational relationship and his mental abuse. I hate this feeling",Suicidal +15855,"I am (25) M and i have symptoms of ADHD and OCD, and a moderate depression and anxiety. My self-esteem since I was a child has always been bad, I suffered and still suffer bullying because of my appearance and my way of being, and it makes me think that I will never be able to date or at least stay and have sex with someone, after all I am 25 years old and I could not and never have kissed a woman. Whenever I talk to my friends they say that everything has its time, but that time never comes, they also say that I am very demanding in my love choices, but I completely disagree, besides my friends my psychologist says the same thing. I have tried using Tinder and other apps, but I cannot match.I see couples on social networks and I get very sad and thinking: Why is it easier for others?, and this triggers my depression. These events make me depressed, and unwilling to move on. What has helped me are my anti-depressants, which give me strengths to work and do other things. The fact is that I have been so lost, not knowing where I fit in and feeling like the ugliest and weirdest person in the world and that I will never be able to fit in and find a love partner. I need help, ideas, advice or tips to getting out of this looping of sadness. I NEED HELP!",Depression +15856,"I am begging someone will answer this, but which over the counter pills will kill me if I overdose or take them with alcohol?I have already explained my situation before and I pray someone answers this. which OTC pills will kill me?",Suicidal +15857,"I did not ask to be born, I did not ask to live this life, everyone blames me for the problems that my abusive mother generated and continues to generate, nobody understands me, nobody wants to understand my anxiety nor be by my side, nobody wants to tell me that everything will be alright, I am so lonely, I am so depressed, I just want to stop existing, I wish I never existed, I do not know what I am doing here. What am I doing here",Suicidal +15858,it is time to come out of the shadows.. depression is a condition just like cancer or diabetes. I recently started drinking.. no surprise there.. so I built this.. [ Suffered from depression all my life - just now talking about it,Depression +15859,Never thought Id say this but my 2 week holidays started and I already miss work since I have nothing going on in my life to be happy about..The weekend I just laid in my bed and watched YouTube videos and I feel like the next 2 weeks are going to be the same :( I do not like going out and enjoy being home with no irl friends but 2 weeks of that daily is horrible to my mental health What do you guys do on your holidays? What would you recommend me :( Work holiday and do not know what to do,Depression +15860,"everything i do goes wrong, or i ruin something, or i upset someone, etc etc.i mean I am not talented, I am not smart or pretty. I am just a waste of space. i feel like i was destined to burden people with my problems, and eventually kms. i feel like i only exist to burden people",Suicidal +15861,"So I am 20 years old and I havnt been in a good mental place for a long time. I spend as much time as I can alone just because going out with friends and seeing them happy just makes me mad that I cannot be like that no matter what I try. For the longest time I have experienced a whole bunch of sexual problems (ie. cannot get it up, have never came from any type of sex, and have no sex drive at all). Recently I have started to realize that I think the root of my unhappyness has something to do with this. My testosterone is pretty low for a guy my age but not low enough to where I could go on any therapy for it.I just sort of wanted to ask any guys (or girls) if they have the same issues? Like I feel like if I could do something about not being able to have sex I would be so much happier all around. Root of problems",Depression +15862,"Like yeah, I know they will be sad if I kms, but making me feel guilty is not giving me a will to live. I am so tired of everyone telling me to think about my family and friends (I almost do not have any lol) because it makes me feel WORSE actually, it makes me feel like I am a bad person. The other day, my sibling told me it was selfish to commit suicide because they and my family loves me, It honestly made me feel terrible. Because I do not want them to be sad, I just want to disappear. I wish I was not born in the first place. Tired of the ""think about your family""",Suicidal +15863,"My mom attempted suicide this morning. she is okay and she is in the hospital right now, but it seems like this is something she is been planning for at least a month based on the note she left and her phone history. she is Chinese and has lived in the US for about 30 years, but her English still is not very good and so I am hesitant about sending her to an inpatient facility. I feel like it would make her feel like a foreigner and she would feel even more isolated. At home, she has my dad, me, and my two younger siblings (11 and 16) However, I am afraid that she might hurt herself again if she comes home. What should I do? My mom is foreigner- should she go to an inpatient facility?",Depression +15864,"My husband had recently confessed he had cheated on me. He implores me to forgive him. we have been just two years into our marriage. it is my second marriage, and my ex was also kind of an asshole. I have lost faith in having a good, honest relationship. I am far away from my parents' home (in another country) and I do not have here anyone who is close. And if my parents were here, I would not ever seek support from them, because my father is a tyrant and I hate him. I am 32, I do not have a paid job here, I am a teacher in training and that training will last till the end of 2021. But above all this, I really loved my husband. I do not want to 'seek for a right guy' and marry again. Been there, done that. Having a family has always been the most important thing for me, since I come from a wrecked, fucked-up family. Now it is gone, and I do not want to live anymore. I want to commit suicide, because this entire world is just a big hole full of shit. I try to come up with the reasons why I should not do this, but cannot find a single worthy one. I do not want to live anymore.",Suicidal +15865,"My [31] BF[36] of 1.5 year is generally quite a charismatic and positive person. He jokes around and can be absolutely charming. If you talked to him as a stranger you would never think he may be depressed, but I am starting to get seconds thoughts, and its breaking my heart.He grew up in a rich family with a lot of staff who helped the family with the house, and went to an expensive private school. Also he was the youngest sibling in his family, so he enjoyed a careless childhood.Then he studied, worked some years very successfully, met me. He had some relationships with women before me, but they were always somewhat traumatic or abusive. Now - i think - we have a very caring relationship. He has a very strong charismatic personality, he is manly, talented, very empathetic and smart. we have met about 1.5 years ago. For all this time till now his working hours were cut down due to corona, and he worked only 3 days a week from home, so he had a lot of free time. And besides working he has done all the same things for 1.5 years. He smokes, reads social media, watches series (most of them hes seen before), eats. He has insomnia. He often wakes up tired in the morning. His work is frustrating for him, but he seems to feel insecure to search for another job. Recently when i jokingly said something about an old psychological trauma of mine, he answered seriously: and my trauma was having to go to work 5 days a week. And the puzzle got together in my head today. I think that as kind in a rich family he never was taucht the concept of labor of any kind, and work is actually something really unpleasant for him. His current job is especially boring and feels unnecessary. So he never really accepted that he has to go to work, its actually a trauma, and he dreads it all the time. When he learned that he has to work 5 days again, he was glum and grumpy for a whole week. I really wish he would get therapy on the matter. But I am afraid that he would think its a sign of weakness, and that the world just works this way. That everyone has his job that much... But i disagree! I feel that something is dreading and exhausting him all the time! and i think its fear that he has to work, and he will have to do it for many more years. I love him. I do not think hes a lazy person, i believe its an actual problem. Please recommend me how i can help him. I think my BF [36] is depressed but hes hiding or not realizing it. Its breaking my heart. I need advice.",Depression +15866,"Because I have a quantitative mind it kind of helped me (a bit) to create this.. ""Ken's Drinking Calculator"" [ Ken's Drinking Calculator",Depression +15867,"I have been treated for my depression with trintellix and bupropion. I have been better dealing with sadness and suicidal tougth. However, I cannot seem to have motivation for anything. I have trouble getting out of bed, eating healthy, going to the gym, focusing on studying, ect. Been thinking it is maybe me or something cuz medication suppose to work. Maybe I am getting old. Does anyone have some inside so I can stop thinking I am a failure for not doing anything? Dealing with lack of motivation",Depression +15868,"This is something I have been working on inside my own head. Trying to understand the emotions, the thought processes, the reactions and how they all come together to form this entity that is typing these things out.&#x200B;I have been to the lowest of lows. I suffer from excruciating depression daily. I have been this way most of my life and I have only been really starting to study for about 2 years now.&#x200B;But I think I am starting to see all these different aspects of existence and life. I have been trying to concoct some sense of a motivation bomb if you will. &#x200B;it is a mixture of consciousness, a physical sensation of burning in my chest, a physical sensation of slight pressure on my right temple, just the right amount of desire, a dash of willpower, a boatload of research and this image of a vault door unlocking and slowly opening up.&#x200B;The factors behind this involve various bits and pieces I have come up with through my studies. Mostly in reference to personality, the concept of motivation, a general understanding of how human psychology works, a general understanding of social expectations and interactions and the center piece to it all, the conscious self.&#x200B;With this, I have got many analogies. The concept of the entirety of the human race, similar to a bed of seafoam, drifting on the ocean. The concept of not needing love, but wanting it. To need it is to create stress and damage to those who come near. To be ok alone but still want that connection allows the ability to simply drift with one another through the ocean. That to fight all of this, the very nature of fighting all those thoughts and emotions inside because they are wrong and painful and bad, is not dissimilar to drowning. Fighting those waves feels exactly like drowning. &#x200B;In my understanding of this, I begin to see the ocean for what it is, time. Just waves of time and each of us get our time to bask in the glory of the starlight as we flow through. We may not always see it or know it because sometimes the ocean is shallow, sometimes we are in the mud, face down, beaten, broken and afraid and sometimes it is just easier to stay there, somewhere out of reach, out of harm's way.&#x200B;Yet the inevitable waves of agony always return. The onslaught of self loathing always crashes down. The fear to move forward always stabs us in the back because we choose to stay still. &#x200B;An unchanging mind is like iron. Left to it is own devices, it will rust and decay. But given the opportunity to be in wise, caring hands it is shaped and molded and fortified. Like waters of life turned to this beautiful work of art as the blacksmith intricately and delicately works their magic.&#x200B;Hammering away at imperfections, chiseling flaws and smelting away impurities to produce the finest of blades. Caressing the edges for the sharpest of blades. Decorating the handle for the most beautiful of blades. &#x200B;From this moment we begin to see the final product in it is full glory. From what was once a mere bubble, lost out at sea. Only to be tasked to enter the trials of hardship of life as each and every single one crawled through the mud. They did not know at the time that this mud contained the iron in which they would take shape later in life and as they entered the final phase, the mind was separated from itself. Between conscious and emotion, morality and ethics, right and wrong, who am I and who I am. &#x200B;Through the research and wisdom of those minds who came before me and the few minds who were there for today. I begin my own process of smelting away the old, filtering the impurities that I know to be of ill value, molding the cast of this persona and understanding the form that I must fill.&#x200B;The night is always darkest just before the dawn. The perfect mix",Depression +15869,"I am really lost I do not even know what I am feeling, like I am not sad but I am not happy either, I was in pain but not anymore, it is like I am unable to feel anything, this 4 last years I am just staring at my existence like I am a spectator, I do not know if I am depressed or suicidal I do not think I am even if I forget what happiness is and sadness either I really do not know what I am feeling, in fact I think about killing myself everyday I tried to, more then 3times and I am still here maybe I should really end it when it all started in other words the day when was born it is the day that I hate most in the year because if this day did not exist this hour this minute or even this second maybe just maybe I would not be here.. Is there a difference between feeling empty and feeling nothing?",Depression +15870,"I think I am going to kill myself. I am going to use helium. there is a place that sells helium tanks walking distance from my place. I am not doing anything all week this week. I will stop by tomorrow and buy a tank. Apparently, it is painless, quick, and no mess so my wife will not have to clean anything up when she gets home. I am really, really, really unhappy. I thought I would feel better if I went camping. I ended up getting a flu and fleas instead. I have thought about killing myself for a long time. Especially when I got kicked out of the Army for fucking pot. I had 2 fucking months left before I would have got out anyways. Now, I am 32, no college, working part-time, and miserable every day. I wish meth killed me but it did not. I even stopped using meth. Still not fucking happy. Started taking Zoloft and that made me kind of happy but also fucking crazy so I stopped taking the Zoloft. Now, I constantly feel like I am coming down from meth. I am so tired of this. I am so fucking tired. Well... Hopefully, helium is in stock. Hi",Suicidal +15871,"My best friend lives about 5 hours of train ride away so we do not often meet. I met him about 2 years ago when I was meeting some online friends. We became friends and remained in contact. In the past 1,5 years we have became best friends and we basically speak/play games online on daily basis. I know his GF pretty well, she sometimes join in to play or just hangs out with us. He and his GF travelled down to the city next to mine so we can meet. It was the best time I have had in such a long time I cannot even remember, maybe this was the best weekend of my life. The weekend eventually passed and we all went home. I took a bus home. On the way home I felt a bit down which I contributed to tiredness. When I got home I took a shower and decided to go to a sleep. Then I got really depressed and felt so sad I could not sleep. After a while I started to cry. which really hit me hard because I have not cried in years. Since then I have just been awake and crying from time to time. I know I will speak with him tomorrow after work. I know I will meet him in the future. As a method to cope or ease the pain on a live map where their train are, and feel like a fucking stalker now. I do not want to text him, because I know he either sleeps or have a good time and I do not want to ruin it for him. I have been depressed for the past few years, I have had some bad times in the past but there was nothing I could not get through. But in all that I did not ever feel this sad and depressed. This never happened to me prior to this occasion. This makes no sense to me. Why is this happening? Really depressed after a really good weekend with friends.",Depression +15872,"Hello sorry I feel bad about posting this but anyway it does not matter if nobody read itFor a few years I have not been feeling well and I met a girl who made me feel better than ever because she gave me hope. I love her more than anything but unfortunately she left me a year ago and since then I spend my days smoking weed and often at night I drink and sometimes I take other drugs. I lost the only thing I had. I tried to forget her but I could not, I feel so bad I regret having put all my hopes in someone so that in the end I end up alone. I have isolated myself and lost absolutely all my friends, I am about to lose my job, I have no strength to keep myself busy and I have no passion. I fight every day my desires to leave this world but I am afraid I will not be able to do it for long, I just wish I felt like everyone elsei cannot even play videogames or something i feel too weak for this i want to die idk how to feel better",Suicidal +15873,"I cannot stand the direction the world has taken. it is as if the world put on a tech collar, knelt down, and started wagging their tails and begging for more. I do not know how many times in casual conversation where the assumption that I own a ""smartphone"" is paramount and implicit. The urge for me to ""give in"" and use ""apps"" like Zoom or networks like ""Instagram"" This world we live in now, it is all about that fucking tablet. it is all about ""plugging in"". it is painfully obvious at this point that these platforms are dead set on controlling a narrative. Dissenting opinions are flagged as ""misinformation"" by the establishment media and those who hold those opinions are ostracized not unlike with the Red Scare of the Cold War. More and more every day it seems like this draconian future is becoming the permanent present. I miss the days when people could freely share differences in opinion with civility. I miss a time when we had privacy. I miss creative freedom in art. Films, television, and videogames taught us that a Cyberpunk Dystopia would be intriguing. Nanobots, virtual reality sims with real world consequences of great gravity, and a glimmer of hope for the heroes. We got none of this. instead we got iPhones and fucking snapchat. I mean, everyone is got that, right? Cyberpunk Dystopia",Depression +15874,"I do not know if people will read this whole. I get it is no one's responsibility to read this, but if you do read even little of it, I humbly thank you.here is a summary of my situation: *I am done with the abusive relationship with my parents I have had for 18 year. They are trying to just completely destroy everything I care about. I have tried my best to fight them and I have managed to soemwhat defend myself, things have gone extreme lately and I cannot continue to see so much suffering everyday. I have no one to ask for help. No one to talk to. People I trusted have turned their backs to me. I am already ill enough to have my peace ruined. OCD has been killing me for past several years. And I have no way to recieve treatment or counseling. Everything is gloomy*there is a ton more that is bothering me but this should suffice. The major factor is lockdown in this. Spending most of the year stuck with monsters has caused this.On several occasions before I have been in this situation. I have even written my last messages but the second I decide I am ending this misery, something stops me. I have these intense emotions and sentiments that show up. My entire life appears before me. My beliefs, my interests and the memories I find priceless show up at once. And I think: is that it? All this just for it to end like a tragedy?What about my precious thoughts and beliefs and emotions that are unique to me? And my philosophy of life? they will cease to exist once I stop breathing. I cannot let that happen. But then I think, that existence itself has no benefits over non existence and thus everything is meaningless. Nothing has value until we give it. Plus, if I die, I will not even know I lost something.But the sentimental feelings are so overwhelming I finally decide to continue fighting this nightmare. And this is pure torture man. I have so much reason to die yet so much to lose and very little courage. I am only choosing to see more of hell every time I change my mind. I so want to end myself but I just cannot do it.",Suicidal +15875,"Hey guys, just have no one to talk to so I want to vent some of my thoughts here. I have currently gone back into lockdown (for the 5th) times and being alone with nothing to do is causing me to have a lot of bad thoughts again. 2 months ago (last lockdown) I put myself into hospital for a week after my first attempt.Just since the lockdown started I just feel so empty, every night now I look at ceiling and cannot stop thinking about so much shi* like I do not see a future anymore, I do not feel like I have anyone to talk to because Ill just drain them, I am having some suicidal thoughts again.Just overall feeling tired and over it even though I have done nothing for a week.Thanks for reading Getting bad again",Depression +15876,"I hope I am not going to get blasted for this but I have noticed this Reddit very often tumbles into one big pity party. I could tell you my life story, but its for another day. I just wanted to say that life is a beautiful thing and I hate some people are missing it. From my own experience, pain is part of life. Suffering is optional. A lot starts with forgiveness. Of ourselves first and then others. In the end, we will never live while we are trying to die. we have got nothing more to lose sometimes so we grab life again and again and we do our best. We cannot worry about the rest. Somebody out there needs you. That was something its taken 40 years to understand. Seize the day. We do not know what we have got till its gone. In the end",Suicidal +15877,"I am a bad person, I am sorry i will not say why for a lot of reasons so just believe me (or do not idk) and i just want to know how did that even happen, was i born evil? Probably, but I am here because i know me dying is the best option for me and for everyone around me, i know some people would disagree for example my family and maybe some of my friends but it would be better for them too they just do not know it BUT I am A BIG COWARD I am especially afraid of waking up and then people will try to help me and will feel bad for me and all of that bs i finally know the right thing to do and i cannot even do it Beep boop",Suicidal +15878,Hey as soon as possible tell me where should I kms my bedroom the bathroom? Or somewhere else idk tbh,Suicidal +15879,I want to take a shotgun to the side of my head and obliterate my brain. that will stop the pain and suffering and depression and anxiety and heartbreak and trauma that haunts me constantly. I am so tired of this life. I have no energy to fight these things anymore. This is a living hell I want to blow my brains out,Suicidal +15880,I want to commit suicide but i only have two options in my home that i share with my parents. I could either shoot my self witch will not be easy since they keep those locked down hard. Second option take a load of my medications and purposely od. I just want to know if it is painful or not to od on pills. So i do not go out in pain. Is overdosing painful,Suicidal +15881,"People say it is selfish to kill yourself but not selfish to break up with someone and I find that so confusing. If you are somewhere you do not to be you have every right to leave and it is a lot more painful to be broken up with than have someone die (speaking from experience).is not every person's life their own? Plus there is nothing positive about life anyway? Even if someone is life is really good and beautiful if they want to kill themselves why would we feel we have the right to stop it?This is a really genuine question, it is something I just cannot understand no matter how hard I think please be nice. Why do people want to stop suicide?",Suicidal +15882,"I excel academically, I am in one of the best universities in the world, I am very socially active and I have a lot of friends, I do not have a gf but I have no problem with girls, I know I am liked. Then why the fuck do I still dread every day. Why do I want to die, why do I have suicidal thoughts every fucking day. I cannot do this shit anymore. Why am I depressed? Why do I want to kill myself?",Depression +15883,"I started drinking. And I cannot stop. Because I have a quantitative mind it kind of help me (a bit) to create this.. ""Ken's Drinking Calculator"" [ Depression led to drink",Depression +15884,"SI has flared up, and I have turned inwards In darkness of my own creation",Suicidal +15885,"I think the attitude towards antidepressants that you hear from a lot of people is extremely counterproductive. it is true that antidepressants do not work for everybody and they can have very unpleasant side effects that may (or may not) even last for last for as long as you take the meds. I do not disagree with this as I have experienced some of these side effects myself.But some people act like their personal negative experience can be universally applied and try to talk people out of trying meds that they might have benefitted from. And that is not okay because everybody reacts differently to the medication so you cannot know if someone else's expierience matches yours.But the worst offender are people that do not know anything about depression or how antidepressants work and come at you with rumors and half truths to get you away from the ""bad way"" of dealing with depression. There is a big stigma against using antidepressants and it really needs to disappear.BTW if antidepressants do not work for you I am not trying to invalidate your experiences. I just think it is bad to spread them like they are universal. *RANT* I do not like the attitude that many people have towards antidepressants",Depression +15886,"I call being clairvoyant an untreated mental illness because I am correct in the things that I know, and that is not in the DSM V. It seems impossible to take me seriously when I say all this so...I am going to kill myself soon. Like, next week soon. But I can prove that I am clairvoyant if people just listened to me. For example, I will just say this: if a flight record of a Gulfstream V jet landing in Detroit on May 18th, 2017 is discovered, which it would be if looked into, then that proves I am what I say I am. I am not going to say why this jet being in Detroit on that date needs to be looked into because it will not get me taken seriously. Which no one is going to do here anyway because I said I was clairvoyant. It would be nice if that got looked into. I want to die because I cannot handle being clairvoyant anymore.",Suicidal +15887,"TLDR: its my birthday tomorrow and I want to off myself because I want much I miss my ex girlfriend, and because of how much my life sucks now.Its my birthday tomorrow and it brings me so much anguish that the girl I love and I, are not together, when I have such a fond memory of how I spent my last birthday with her. I miss her hands, her kisses, and the warm feeling of holding her. I have been contemplating if I should kill myself, and I have been considering whether or not to do it tomorrow, on my 25th birthday. I think I am going to get a hotel room and do it there. Probably tomorrow",Suicidal +15888,When I was 8 I had a ps3 my love and the reason I joined gaming and then when I was 12 I got a Xbox one x and I decided to put my love and joy the ps3 in my home country so I could play with it when I go there fast forward to today. I went to my cousins house and it turns out they had it I was pissed and sad but did not bother me to much.. UNTIL I found out he lost the controllers and did not even take god care of it so ya if you have a console that you love keep it with you PLEASE do not MAKE THIS HAPPEN TO YOU I lost something really important to me,Depression +15889,"Disclaimer: This is going to be lengthy.For some context: my gf of 6 years and broke up about 3 weeks ago. I am 23 and we have been dating since we were in high school (graduated college in May). I was her first and only bf and she broke up with me because she was showing interest in someone else and did not want to hurt me. She was also concerned about my mental health if she were to end it (I have had what feels like depression since I was about 14). At first, I thought I was handling things well (after the initial days of crying and depression). I started working on new skills, exercising more, and I started going to therapy (only been to two sessions so far). I am not sure what caused such a downward spiral, but it started after my second therapy session. My therapist wanted to do a joint session with my ex and I so I could get some clarity on where we stand. Basically ended in: we are friends, but she wants to explore while I still want to be with her. I kept my composure throughout the session, but after she left my room (we live together until next week) I could not hold it in anymore. I blasted music and cried my eyes out for about 20 minutes. Since then, I have been having dreams about her every night. Some include the guy she is interested in (if you are familiar with GTA RP, we are all in the same server) and some are just my mind trying to pretend like nothing happened. that is been going on for the past 4 days now and I basically wake up crying every day. My mind keeps hurling insults at me and I hear ""you should just fucking die"" repeatedly in my head every day. I do not want to think these things. I do not want to have hatred for someone who does not deserve it. I basically have no friends. The group of friends I play games with every day are all related to my ex in some way (her little brother, her cousin's bf). I have not even spoken to a girl since before we started dating. I am antisocial and cannot even keep up a conversation with others. I can only distract myself sometimes when I play with the group or play some games on my own. Even then, I start feeling the pain again.I am in so much pain and I do not know what to do. I am all alone and there is no one to save me from myself now. I am scared. I want the pain to stop...",Suicidal +15890,"I know we usually talk about our problems here but today I wanted to share with you that after having a very sad and anxious day yesterday, today I feel great! I have been able to bathe, clean my house and eat. I just feel good today, I hope you too",Depression +15891,"I have tried therapy for about 4 months now. There has been a problem that i just cannot stop thinking about (not a problem with the therapy). I had not had the courage to talk about it. A week ago i tried talking about it. But when he did he just told me the problem was not there, and to just think good thoughts about it. I did not know what to say. So i quit. What to do now? My therapist does not belive me",Depression +15892,"I have had depression for years now, in fact I am pretty sure I have had it my whole life. I have learned how to mask it, how to make those around me beleive that I am fine, out of fear that they would discover that there is something wrong with me, that I am broken.I have had help and therapy in the past, but my coverage basically gives me the ""trial period"" of help, then I have to pay for it myself. I am on the east coast of Canada and mental health support here is almost a bigger mess than I am. that is what I do, I use humour to mask the fact that I am falling apart and dying inside. I grew up in a house where I was the butt of every joke, any attempt to dish it back resulted anger because they could dish it, but they cannot take it. So I had to learn to take it, after all, *it is just a joke*. I have been plagued with self loathing and doubt my entire life, heck, I am using a throwaway because even at 39 I am still scared for people to find out that I am broken. Anytime I have tried to pick up a new hobby, something to take my mind off things, it ends the same way. I start enjoying myself, but those same old thoughts keep floating back in, *you are not good enough* *you cannot afford to continue this hobby* *why are you even trying, there are so many people better than you*The 2020's have been devistating to me, I was just starting to feel like I was getting my life back on track, things were looking up. Boom, lockdown, okay, I can handle this...I could not. When I finally got back to work, I could not focus, the thoughts had already started again, and the quality of my work suffered. Then, due to company restructuring, I lost the job that I had been able to hold the longest. 6 years in, and now I am unemployed again, struggling to pay bills. Thankfully my wife started a new full time position, so money wise were okay, but now I am watching her, with her life together, with her higher education, realising that I will never be able to reach that level. I have had people suggest ""mindfulness"" and to ""not listen to those thoughts"" or ""find something to distract you from those thoughts"". What if I cannot? What do I do when there is nothing to distract me? What do I do if I cannot get out of my own head? What do I do when all evidence points to the thoughts being true? What do I do when I cannot get out of my head?",Depression +15893,"I have abandoned all people I called friends. I know I did the right thing, just wanted to say, the mean stuff I said to some of you, I did not mean it, I thought makeng you hate me would be easier, hope you are all great and have the best of fun, like I remember. Love you and bb. For I am drunk and none of them will see anyway",Depression +15894,"Over the last couple of years I have lost the will to live. I just do not see the point in doing anything anymore. My job has become redundant but I do not wish to change as I do not think any other job is going to be better than the one I have. I cannot hang out with my close group of friends as they are either getting married or are in a serious relationship. Cannot socialize anywhere else due to the restrictions brought about by the pandemic. To prevent feeling lonely, I hang out with a group of people who are at least 5-7 years younger to me. But deep down, I feel out of place as they are in a different phase of life and have different interests. No other interests or hobbies. All this makes me lose interest in my life further.For a while I thought I was under a depression as this feeling of nothingness came on suddenly. I convinced myself that the depression is the reason my life is at a low point.But, recently I met a person who was diagnosed with clinical depression. That is when I realised what depression actually is. Compared to what the guy was facing, my life was a picnic. I had no problem in functioning and going about my daily life. For a brief moment I was relieved that I was not under depression.However, then the realisation hit me, ""If I am not depressed, then there is only one explanation for this funk in my life: I am just pathetic"". Ironically, this realisation of being a pathetic loser made me feel worse than when I thought I was depressed. At least, when I was depressed I could go to a psychologist and get myself treated. Being pathetic has no solution. It is just the way I am....If any of you are wondering about relationships..I have never had any. Not a single one. It is difficult for me to even maintain good relations with family members. I do not know how to read and react to social situations. All this while my justification for the lack of social skills was due to having Asperger's or some other autism. But, now I even doubt that...maybe I just too pathetic to do anything other normal people do. Just realised that I am not depressed. Just pathetic.",Depression +15895,"I do not know why I am writing this. I do not know why it is like this. Years feel like loops of emotion. when it is winter i can feel emotion, they are usually negative but at least it is something. But when it is summer, or around summer it is like i cannot feel any emotion. When i think back to times where i know i was happy, i do not feel what i felt. The only thing i feel is my heart racing. I cannot stand it. The worst thing is i can escape it because when i lack the emotion i cannot even stand to think about death. Out of emotion",Depression +15896,"I cannot bring myself to do anything, it is almost a year and I have stopped giving exams completely. I have one coming up but instead of studying I am here wasting my time, I just cannot do it. The idea of having to speak in front of someone for so long it is just crippling, even if it is in front of a screen. So studyng seems pointless because I already know I will probably chicken out anyways. I do not know if I will ever be able to graduate, or even if I will be able to work, apparently any kind of responsibility is way too much for me to handle. I already told my parents that I want to just quit, they keep saying ""what is the alternative"" or ""at least try"". I think they are sick and tired of me, I mean who would blame them. My girlfriend will probably leave me when she realizes how much of a failure and a mess I am. I tried to go to therapy but did not quite work, I just felt like I could not thrust her one bit. Sleeping is becoming harder and harder, I do not want to sleep and wake up the next day, so I just try to delay the inevitable by not sleeping. I know it is dumb, I cannot help it. Suicide seems everyday closer. I cannot function like a normal human being, I am basically a parasite. I serve no purpose other than wasting resources. I do not know if that is because I am mentally incapable or if I am just lazy and trying to find excuses, but if the latter is true I deserve death even more. I do not know what is stopping me, probably the fear of failure and the idea of making the few people that love me unconditionally suffer throught the pain of loss, but at the same time I really do think they would be better off without me in the long term *INSERT CLICKBAIT TITLE*",Suicidal +15897,"It just never ends. And because this keeps on happening, I do not even feel like reaching out to my friends or family. I hate myself, I hate my life. And I think I am really really unlikable. And I feel as if I do not have any friends anymore. All of my friends are into some kind of relationships and that makes me feel lonely as hell. And I am tired of being lonely. But when I seek out to someone, i mostly end in a state worse than before. I am scared of dying, always was, but now I wish I were dead. I think I will never be happy.",Depression +15898,One more box checked off. I settled on a date today.,Suicidal +15899,I have been planning this whole week to do it today. but i have a boyfriend who i love more than anything and the guilt and pain of having to leave him is ripping me apart. today,Suicidal +15900,"I truly think these posts remove the purpose of this being a support sub, and there seems to be a flood of them. I know these people are hurting, but the way these posts are written makes them challenging to start discourse. I think people that posts here should be showing us that they clearly have hope to become better, even if that hope is minimal. Again, there are soo many of these posts, and you can tell that others have a hard time figuring out how to approach these types of posts in a helpful manner. Mods, can we ban/remove ""will this kill me"" and ""what is the easiest way out"" posts?",Suicidal +15901,"Hi allFirstly, Id like to clarify that I am not planning to end my life. I could not do that to my family or loved ones. But the heartbreak of missing my wife so much every day, combined with stresses about my financial future, makes my mind think of ways to escape this daily torture. I believe that life is a gift and is not to be wasted. But some days this pain hurts so bad.Can anyone relate? Has the heartbreak of someone leaving you resulted in suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +15902,Therese this person struggle with substance abuse I have tried helping this person never made them feel shame full over the time of me helping this person they put a lot of stress on me because I care a lot about them Id always try to help and they would come to me if they needed me but now the put a lot of stress on me because they continue to abuse the substances. So I picked up drinking and smoking cigarettes again after I quit for a while I open to the person and say my situation I am drinking again and smoking a lot this person responded with oh yeah stay away from me I have tried to help this person so much but when I need help they push me away and shun me Women,Depression +15903,But I guarantee you my stomach will start hurting bad. I really wish I was successful in doing it. I cannot even do that right. I took a whole bunch of sleeping pills...it did not work,Suicidal +15904,How would I go about it? I want to die peacefully while listening to my favourite music. Do I drive out into the woods and connect a pipe to the exhaust and into the window? Help! I just want to die in my sleep Carbon monoxide.,Suicidal +15905,"Has anybody ever found therapy cured their depression entirely? Did anyone ever go into complete remission after therapy? Do you know anyone who has? I do not feel like it ever leaves you entirely. Almost like it imprints on your soul. Even if I learn to cope better, it always seems to be right there, under the surface. Waiting for another moment to try and drown me. Genuine question",Depression +15906,So the person that I always talk to for emotional support has just stopped talking to me and its not helping me in the place I am in right now and right now I have. Quite literally no one and I have just given up at this point Help,Depression +15907,"I do not like what I am currently playing(because I am not good at the games lol).. I want someone to help me find the game that I will enjoy, one that is still difficult but that I will understand and not take 20 hours to have nothing happen and be miserable. I play Darkest dungeon but I am at week 15 and I never have dead heroes, but large amount of stress and only a few level 2 heroes.. I cannot complete longer missions bc I do not take many torches and get surprised a lot. I also played binding of Isaac and i cannot get past moms heart to get to Satan :( I also play FTL and I cannot beat it on the imperial ship to unlock more ships.. What am I doing wrong in these games? I need help",Depression +15908,"I know that because I am one of them. As soon as I join the military and grab a gun, I will do it.Forgive me mom and dad, but it is your fault from the beginning. Life is not meant for some people. The accident of their birth is their only mistake.",Suicidal +15909,Everytime I notice a symptom I just hope it kills me anyone else? No just me? Okay. Every time I notice a symptom,Depression +15910,"i do not have anyone to talk to. No one. And I have relapsed really badly. I cannot seem to get better. I do not know what to do and I am panicking. I have never had this bad of a depressive episode in a long while. I cannot lean on the person I had for emotional support anymore and I do not know what to do anymore Please, I need help, is someone there to talk? how do you deal with relapsing",Depression +15911,"I know children are hated by some but somehow they are my source of happiness. My baby cousins are my source of joy like whenever I see them and play with them I have this sense of joy in me and they make me forget how cruel life is. Whenever I see them smile and laughing and giggling it also makes me smile like I want to cherish them, I want them to always have this smile on their face. I do not want them to be sad. I do not want them to suffer. Overall I do not want them to grow up like me, to be depress like me. I want them to have the joy they have now to be with them forever. I want to protect them from everyone who will pull them down. I want to give them everything that my family did not give to me specially relating to my mental health. I want those for them.But do not get me wrong I still do not want to have my own child but I will love to treat my younger cousins as my own children My source of happiness",Depression +15912,"You are at a park. On a picnic table, you see a small plastic cup, filled to the brim with a bright orange substance that appears to be thick and opaque. Upon coming closer to the cup, you realise that this substance is obviously hot buffalo sauce. You keep approaching the cup. What happens next leaves you shocked. The sauce shoots out of the top of the cup, in a perfectly straight cylinder, up into the sky. It is completely silent, and yet there is now an ever rising strange cylinder of hot buffalo sauce being created. The sauce appears perfectly stationary within itself, with the only things changing being its height. You cannot see any barrier that is keeping the sauce so straight. It appears as if it has a will of its own that allows it to maintain this shape. it is been several minutes, and you cannot see the top of the cylinder. You wonder, what will happen if I touch the cylinder? Will it collapse? Will it remain in place? You are not sure, but you think that if you can knock out the base of the cylinder, the rest of it might collapse. Or perhaps the stream of sauce would put a hole through your hand. Or perhaps you would be shot up into the sky along with the sauce.you have also recently wanted to fucking die. How would you use this situation to kill yourself? Sauicide",Suicidal +15913,I wish I was dead in a moment. Like offswitch. All my life I have been in pain. I absorb everyone is pain. I do not have any friends. I drive everyone away. I wish I was dead. I am in so much pain right now. I tried to contact my therapist by she is not responding. I do not know what to do. I literally am imagining all the ways to die in my head. I do not know what to do.. I want to die.. But I do not want to kill myself and because pain to the people who love me. I also do not want to be in pain.,Suicidal +15914,"Many people say that you should not commit suicide because there are always people who would miss you.And I ask myself, ""Where are these people? Why should I stay alive if nobody cares if I am dead?""My family often told me it would be better without me, they are never happy with what I do. I never had any friends. There is no one else who could miss me. Why should I stay alive then? If I do not want it myself either? No one cares if I am alive, so why should I stay?",Suicidal +15915,Anybody have ways to go out? Wish I could just die in my sleep like an accident. I am Tired,Suicidal +15916,I live in a small town and do not want to make my family suffer even more by being the ones with a son who killed himself. You know how they gossip and such. Is there anyway to make it look like an accident?,Suicidal +15917,"I just got off the phone with my person. Well I thought she was. She let me go knowing I was suicidal and told me she would call the police but not deal with it. I wish people would take me seriously. I want it to be my last day. I suffer from bipolar depression, anxiety, c-ptsd and cannot afford the proper treatment. I need the treatment now!! Not in 3 months from now, idk if I will make it. I am exhausted and out of the will to live",Suicidal +15918,"I am not ok. I am feeling anxious. I am feeling useless. I am feeling worthless. My anxiety keeps me away from my life. I am scared of people. I am afraid of being judged. I am addicted to music. Every day, every night, every moment of my life is spent listening to music. I am done. I have a girlfriend. She cares so much about me. I care so much about her too. I feel that she is worried about me. I do not want to make her suffer. I used to be very happy while talking to her. it is not her fault. it is mine. I just want to stay in bed forever, sleeping and never waking up. I cannot keep it like this. I am feeling lonely. I do not know what to do. I am not ok...",Depression +15919,"How do I prevent someone from entering my vicinity without violence? I am being stalked by an organisation that does not stop harassing me. These people are not going to stop, what they are doing is harmful to me. I want them to stay the fck away bc they ruined my life basically. They make me worse off than before and now I am in a bigger fcking mess of a life thanks to them. How do I remove someone out of my environment",Depression +15920,"I do not want to live and nothing helps. I wish the world would understand than torture us like this. I wish there was a system through which we are allowed to kill ourselves than doing it outselves I do not know, I wish people who did not have a purpose or do not know what to do with their life should be allowed to give up their lives",Depression +15921,Hey you all. I have decided to end my life. I do not own a gun nor have the money to buy one. I was just curious if anyone has knowledge on turning your car on in a closed garage to achieve CM poison? Does it actually work? I live with my girlfriend but do not want her to find me and save me. So does it take along time? Should I just sit in the car until I fall asleep off of some type of sleep medicine? Carbon Monoxide Poison,Suicidal +15922,"All I needed was 1 or 2 people who actually gave a fuck about me. That would have done. At least one person that would go like I wonder what they are up to, let me talk to them. That would be more than enough to give me strength. But I am utterly alone. What is the point of being a human if you are alone. Nobody cares about me",Depression +15923,"I am often told that I need to figure out how to be happy. And then work towards it. The truth is, at this point, I do not want to be happy. I just want to die I do not want to be happy",Suicidal +15924,"I am currently in the WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE PHASE, not in education, employment, or training at the moment, everything feels so dim since 2 or 3 weeks (severely depressed), Am I the only one facing this? Is anyone in the shit situation I am right in? Currently in the WTF Am I Doing With My LIFE Phase.",Depression +15925,I am suicidal and depressed and everything and i just want to have someone to talk to since i have no friends and i feel so lonely. Please do not be the overly unrealistic optimistic type that will say any fucking bullshit to make me feel better. Just be yourself and let us just talk and be a realist. Thanks for reading Can I please have someone to talk to?,Suicidal +15926,"Last night was terrible, much like the last year and a half. But last night specifically showed me that I do not belong here. I saw my first rapist, who took my virginity and no one really batted and eyelash. I get it, cannot expect your problems to be anyone elses. I just cannot do this anymore. I wrote letters to the ones that matter most to me, but its difficult for me to go on. I have forced those around me to watch me slowly deteriorate. Losing pieces of the thing that makes a person alive everyday at a rapid rate. My heart is beyond weak, I am going to do some self care and then do the ultimate self care. I no longer feel like a burden because no one has to worry anymore. Everyone take care of yourselves and hug your loved ones. today",Suicidal +15927,"it is treatment resistant. I just say now that depression is my personality. I do not do anything except maybe come out my room to eat once a day then go back in bed. Have no friends, or partner. Still live with abusive family major depression",Depression +15928,"Work, college, stress, work, college, stress, I cannot handle it anymore. I am supposed to be a Christian but I feel like all I am doing in this world is dragging other people down. If all I am going to do in this world is sin then I should just be in hell. I cannot end my sin and I continue to despise myself. No one knows how I feel. Pain is all I deserve. I want the cycle to end.",Suicidal +15929,i make 150k a year + from the stock market as an investor yet i feel worthless because whenever i go on tinder or other dating apps nobody likes me or they start a conversation then just leave this cycle makes me depressed as i feel like no one wants me I am an average looking blonde male making good money and just want to find someone i can make happy but i just feel unwanted. I just feel online dating is exhausting and a waste of my time Make 150k a year and not living how i want to,Depression +15930,"Yesterday I woke up energetic. Today, like shit. Yesterday everything seemed to be working out. Your kisses and you saying that still loved gave me a lot of hope. I am trying to be enough on my own, but nothing made me feel better than the love and approval you gave to me. I cannot get it. You were saying the truth when you said that you loved, but how your fear of getting hurt blocks of trying to make it better? I know we did a lot of damage to each other, but you could try to heal each others wounds. I wished you let me heal yours at least, mine will by itself being on your side. I know that because right now I do not your regret or concern. I just want to be by your side. I wished I could fuck you. YEAH FUCK NOT MAKE LOVE. You changed all my sexual appetite, and after tasting the things that we did together I cannot go back. And now I am respecting your position. I stopped looking your stuff. I am trying to be friends. I will keep being nice and I day at time. My biggest fear right now are the nightmare I had this night. You were with a new boyfriend. I lost control and I went in a path to destroy the most evi person we know and after the job were done I killed myself. That moment I woke up. I automatically went to talk and remember that you do not want hear this stuff. Now I am talking to a void. I will post to bunch of strangers all my sadness and fears and delete after some days. I wished you said what I have to do to win you back. I wished a way to make all your fears go away. Because love is there for both sides A day at a time",Depression +15931,"So let me start by saying that I recently moved countries to live with my fianc, who is the most amazing person I have ever met. My country of origin is not a good place to live and then I fell in love and that is how I made the decision to move. In my home country there is my mom and also my dog and cat and I miss all of them everyday, but in general I think I made a good decision.My fianc treats me like a princess, he wants to give me everything, is honest, loyal, selfless, always willing to help me and everyday just proves how much he loves me. it is my biggest dream to become his wife and mom of his kids in the future. However...I keep failing and disappointing him basically everyday. I am a walking and living disaster and biggest mistake. My depression and social anxiety makes life very difficult for me, it makes my self-esteem extremely low and my behavior affects my fianc as well. He tries his best and I cannot even show him how much I appreciate him. For example, due to my social anxiety meeting his family was basically hell for me. Lots of times he wants to spend his free time with me by doing something nice, but I am just not in a mood for anything. I am also really ugly and I do not think I actually have any good qualities. I suck at everything I do. Right now I am just a burden for him. I cry everyday and I also make him sad because of that. I cannot help but think he deserves much much better life. I never even thought that someone will ever love me but he actually does. I just wish I could make him happy but I am failing so bad. I never do anything right. I think I just deserve to die. I will never be good enough. Does the suffering ever end?",Depression +15932,"My therapist says it is depression so this is why I am here. I am not sure what to do. I do basically nothing every day. I cannot go outside since my parents will not take me too often. I am 16, but I am not allowed to go alone. Not for five minutes. I know my parents want the best for me. I still wish we could go outside more than once a month.My family fights every day. It has always been this way. The yelling sounds like they are killing each other. Thankfully, there has never been any physical violence of any kind. But still.I write songs. that is the only thing I can do. I sometimes shower. It is extremely difficult to do so. I keep thinking of all these people who actually shower, brush their teeth, brush their hair, change into clean clothes every day and still have energy for other things. Right now, I feel like I will never be able to do things like these. It sounds like way, way too much and yet it is normal to everyone.I do not feel like trying to get better. it is so far away, I cannot even picture a life where I can do basic human things. I cannot. I do not think I ever will.I have had maybe five friends my whole life and none of them at the same time. I am not just shy, I straight up cannot speak to most people. Not even my own dad. I have always been like this. I know my parents want me to try harder and just talk like a normal person. I keep trying and it keeps not happening. I really wish I had a friend, but then I know it would be scary.I have always felt something is deeply wrong with me. I have never felt truly ""heard"" by anyone. Ever. I know it sounds dramatic. it is true. I think I am human too. How ""weird"" can I get? Everything I have ever accomplished has been against my own will. As for the things I actually want to do, they have never felt more impossible than today. Sometimes I listen to this one song and the lyrics say ""I cannot seem to shake it yet, feeling that things may never change"". It makes me cry because every time I hear it I realize time has passed and things have indeed not changed.This was LONG. I am so sorry for my rambling. Thanks for letting me be myself. They say it gets better, does it? I do not think I am living",Depression +15933, Attempt at a meme,Depression +15934,"i managed to do something for once, i took a waveboard and started practicing on a very steep road and obviously i fell off and rolled for a meter or soi'm disappointed by how little blood came out but at least i felt something after i do not know how many years feels good to feel something",Depression +15935,My partner says they love me and care but they fucking do not. They just do not want to admit they fucked up and had a child with the wrong fucking woman again.My daughter would be better off without a mom who is burnt out on fucking just taking care of her.My grandparents and mom would have more money because I would not be asking for help.My sibling used to tell me to kill myself and no one gave a shit. Because everyone know I should. What do I even have left to fight for.,Suicidal +15936,"I do not talk to my mother anymore I do not want her to know I am disappointed at myself more than she will ever be of me. I cannot face her. I make her sad and I hate it. Id rather not talk to her at all. That pains me even more but I guess it is better than knowing.she worries about me all the time. I understand her love but she will never understand my pain. Its difficult dealing with mentally dysfunctional person like myself. If I told my mother I wanted to die she would blame it on everything but me. She would blame my choices and actions. My lack of divinity, the devil. But not me. I feel sorry that she is not able to see that it is just me. I will continue to make terrible life choices whether or not she wants me too. I do not blame her for my complications. I grew up without any guidance. I grew up without emotional aptitude. I grew up with anger and hatred towards life. Even though there were positive influences in my life. It was the pain, envy, and anger that influenced my emotional development. Que Ser Ser",Depression +15937,"Just when I start to earn money from my room doing what I like (playing video games), my family starts to complain, they think that a job involves going out, they always wanted me to get a job, and now that I have it, they complain and complain, I hope I can have the quick money to go live alone. My family starts to complain.",Depression +15938,.. my life..... the pain.... loss.... abandonment...... Not good enough..... alone..I am not even alive at this point besides physically...Just here for my cats.....Maybe they would live better elsewhere... I just want it to end,Suicidal +15939,I woke up today and after feeling slightly better for maybe six months I got a letter in the mail my insurance company is reevaluating my claim for long-term disability. I feel like I just went through their evaluation by other MDs a year ago and now they sent a whole package of information for me and my doctor to complete. I am so tired of life I need to be out of work. I lost my job because of mental and physical health and there is nothing to go back to. How can they do this evaluation again? What if my doctors do not say the correct things on the forms. I am shaking with fear because the only way I am surviving is on disability and I was ready to end my life before they took me out of work. I just cannot do it. I am so tired and afraid. I am shaking with fear and dread. I cannot feel this way again. Insurance Reevaluating My Disability Claim,Depression +15940,"I sometimes just want to commit suicide to show my friends that I am being serious and this is not a fucking joke.Its selfish, but I am so fucking frustrated to such a point that I want to kill myself to prove a fucking point. I want them to hurt. I want them to regret. I want them to repent. I want them to feel like they could have done better, because all I asked for was the very bare minimum and it turns out they did not even try. Its so fucking frustrating when people think you have shit sorted out and are happy when I am telling them to their face that I need help. I cried for help, in explicit terms, and yet somehow my life does not seem to be fucking worth even five minutes of their life.Idk if Ill go ahead with suicide, but if I do, this sure as hell is a reason I did it. Nobody helped when all it took was for them to be with me for atleast five minutes a day to talk about random shit. Fuck those who could have helped but knowingly made a choice not to. (Please do not ask me to find better friends. I gave all I had into a couple of people I love. I genuinely do not have it in me to build a bond with anyone anymore. I am done).Ill probably kill myself this month or the next. Time is running out. Is feeling this way normal?",Suicidal +15941,"I am (19f) a second year undergraduate. I am struggling to finish the pending work for my courses and know I will not be able to.quit an important internship so I could focus on completing pending work I was not able to do bc of the anxiety I had this term. my professors are very understanding. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I am grateful for having supportive family, friends and professors, but I cannot stop thinking about how people must now realise that I am very unreliable and will not have a future. When it comes to others it is easy for me to feel like self worth is not defined by academic success or productivity necessarily. yet it is pretty hard to apply this shit to myself. I am too scared to even face these profs and ask for what I can do and the next steps I can take.My peers have worked their butts off in this miserable pandemic, some of them having terrible home conditions/ facing the loss of their loved ones from covid. yet how are they so strong and able? why am I so bad at keeping up? I am trying to focus on things I am good at. I know I help my friends when they are sad and I care about them. I am good at helping my mom when she needs to vent or needs advice on how to deal with some problems. I know I will not have the guts to do what it takes to end things for myself but I cannot help but wish that things just happened to magically end for me.I am sorry for ranting idk what to do rn I do not have the strength to speak to others feeling unreliable",Suicidal +15942,"I have been experiencing depression and anxiety for a year and a half now. I have been on ups and downs trying to fight it. Sometimes I will experience sudden anxiety attacks here and there but that is it. After my grandmother died, my aunt having a fight with her girlfriend, my dad having a mistress, me being sexually harassed without no one knowing and finding out my mom have a 200k debt. I am numb. I felt nothing. I just cried then brushed it off. But today I made a dumb move. I only have a few friends and only 1 very close friends that knows and that is there for me. &#x200B;I accidentally caused a trouble between her and my other friend causing her to be mad at me. She said I should say sorry to our friends. So I did. But after I sent my apology message I had an attack. But this is one is severe and i only experienced it once. I hide myself in my closet and continuously cried for hours only saying ""I am sorry it is my fault I did it"" over and over again. After that I just sat inside the dark closet and did nothing.&#x200B;I fucked up. My head feels numb. I do not know what to do. Suicide came in my mind but the pain of experiencing death scares me. I want to die but is there a way to die painlessly Sometimes I just question god, ""why? Why am I experiencing this? I am just f\*\*\*\*ng 14! I just want to be happy cannot I do that? I do not want this I did not wished for this! So why? WHY?""&#x200B;I am scared. it is so lonely. I am sorry. I am sorry it is my fault i did it",Depression +15943,"This is a long read but it is needed for context.Also TW - Sexual assult(18M) - For the past 5 years I have struggled with my mood badly because of bullying and anxiety related to past trauma and stuff. In the past it has mainly been a reason out of my control as to why I have felt so crap. But since early last year it is been my own fault.I was in a fairly serious relationship with a girl. Of course, us being teenagers we were quite sexually active. However, I grew to almost expect the sex and in the end, one night it resulted in me misreading the situation completly and I sexually assaulted my girlfriend of the time. The person I cared about most and loved.Most people will probably read this as black and white and immediately judge me, as many of the people around me have. Ever since a rumour started going round at school I started losing some of my closest friends. Friends some of whom I had been close with since childhood. I do not blame them, these days there is a lot of pressure of not to be friends with someone who commited such a vile act.The problem I have had with myself is that, days after the incident happened and I was told through a mutual friend between my then girlfriend and I how she felt, I immediately went and called my girlfriend. (Since the pandemic had just begun so we could not see eachother face to face). On this call, I had the sudden realisation of what I had done and the seriousness of what I had done hit me all at once, resulting in me, someone already prone to anxiety, to have a full on panic attack where I voiced the worst case scenario that was in my head of:""Holy shit what I did was fucking illegal and I could go to jail. I could go to jail and my life would be over.""Of course, I was not thinking rationally at all and I was not thinking about the impact of my actions and how I should have tried to apologize properly or something different. The conversation we had did not achieve anything except do both of us harm. We would continue to date well into the summer until we ended it. From that day on I felt some guilt, to the point where I did not really fully quite trust myself and I was treading extremely lightly wherever I went. I did not feel the confidence to start another relationship at all and I was contempt with it feeling that perhaps a break is what I needed.Come the Spring of this year. In the UK there is been a huge surge in awareness about sexual violence and stuff due to the Sarah Everard kidnapping, rape and murder. A new ""testimonial"" site called ""everyone is invited"" gains a lot of traction on social media. Me being someone who usually sees themselves as an advocate for social issues and change and stuff, I decide to one day have a look at the website after a couple days. I am scrolling through reading all these horrible situations people have experienced thinking to myself, ""god this is so disgusting I cannot believe-"" and then I come across a story that sounds all too familiar. I knew immediately it was about me. I read the testimony in full, and then, did not know what to do with myself. Not only did I now feel ""exposed"" but new information had come to light to me regarding how my ex felt about the entire ordeal, including my tearful panic attack call. In the testimony it said she felt that I was only thinking about myself on the call, that I was selfish and had completely disregarded her completely in that conversation. Naturally I broke down into tears and could not sleep a wink that night with a million thoughts in my head about what I did, how terrible a person I was, I am a criminal and how I do not deserve to live anymore. It took 2 days for people in school to work out that the ""anonymous"" testimony had been written by my ex and how I was the disgusting perpetrator described in it. And from then on it has been a constant downwards spiral for the last 5 months. I have not been able to look in the mirror without thinking ""what a disgusting monster you are you do not deserve to breathe"" or whatever. You know, self hate. I have completely lost confidence socially since I lost all of my friends so I am second guessing every single person I meet even the bloody barista at a cafe thinking ""they know they know they know"". I cannot trust myself sexually at all. Any time I have an urge I get an overwhelming sense of guilt resulting in anxiety afterwards about ""I will never be normal and be able to enjoy anything again"". And then of course due to the nature of what I did I get the thought ""you deserve to feel like this, if you do not feel like this then you are not sorry and you are not forgivable"". I brought this upon myself so this time i deserve this depression. I do not know what to do with myself and I honestly believe that I deserve to die. And that is it. I have never felt this close to being able to kill myself before but... This time it really does feel like the right and only option.But hey... Thanks for reading my essay of my life right now... I just wanted somewhere to feel like I am being listened to since I have felt like I have not had a voice at all these last 5 months...TL;DR I made the biggest fuckup of my life and the guilt that has arisen from the peer pressure and myself has made my already pretty bad depression even worse. This time I brought it upon myself.",Depression +15944,"From a young age I have loved cars, I wanted to build a career out of my love and passion for them. I had dreams and goals centered around them.After getting kicked out of home and was forced to move to far away from automotive school, with no transport, I slowly began to lose interest and not focus on my passion as much.I did eventually get a car, and the passion somewhat came back, but not entirely, not like it used to be. I stalled going to school to pursue my career because I was getting really depressed and started drinking heavily. I was lost. I still wanted to try pursue my goals eventually though.After witnessing my friend get into bad car crash, trying to pull him out of his car, and thinking he was dead, I began to lose interest even more. After crashing my car, I lost even more interest. Hearing of so many car crashes, death, accidents... But what sealed the deal was when, a few months ago, I was with a friend and he was working on his car, when the jack slipped out from under it and crushed his arm. I luckily noticed the jack slipping out and he got out just in time before the car could, well, crush and kill him... What if I was not there? What if I had been looking away for a few seconds and did not notice? he would be dead... I have known him 15 years. it is given me PTSD. Now it feels like I have completely lost my love for cars. I just do not see them the same, only as a mode of transport, and a ticket to death. I still like them, but it is just not the same.Now I completely do not want to pursue a career in automotive anymore, or my goals of building, modifying, and racing cars. Which has been what I have wanted all my life. That passion has just completely disappeared. It sucks. I have completely lost interest in the one thing that that I truly loved and was passionate about.",Depression +15945,"I promise to hear you out without any judgement. However worse your situation is, I will stay with you in the long run M23 - If you are are feeling lonely and stressed out. let us connect",Suicidal +15946,"I mean it is true, but what does not help/impact me much. Draws no damn conclusion for me Being told that ""other people have it worse"" or ""that is how life is"" does not help",Suicidal +15947,I am going to do it. The possibility of dying is the only thing that makes me happy. I hate this world. I do not have the energy to try again. I cannot wait for death. I have wanted to die since I was 9. Nothing has changed. Death is my only hope I finally have a plan,Suicidal +15948,"Ever wake up in the morning with a strange pain in your chest and feel like you got in a car crash but nothing really happened ? Why do I feel like people are volatile and I cannot be friends with anyone . If that is the case why do I feel lonely? I broke up withmy boyfriend that I think I do not love but it still hurts. As always , he was all I got since I cannot make friends . Why do I always make myself suffer? Life just hurts",Depression +15949,"I have known I have had depression since I was a young teen, but I have noticed over the last few years that I have been having issues with my anger. Ever since my car accidents honestly. Normally I am pretty laid back, even a little meek. But small things like dropping something or having to turn the car around because I forgot something just flips a switch in me and I feel so angry that I want to throw and destroy things. Usually I just go and be alone to cool down but as soon as I have calmed down I am severely depressed. It ruins my days and I cannot get anything done. I have no motivation to do anything when this stuff happens and it feels like it happens out of nowhere. It happened again this morning and I am not sure how to deal with this kind of stuff anymore. it is beginning to affect work as well. Why is my anger so explosive?",Depression +15950,"I just feel so fucking lonely. Even when I am surrounded by the best of friends.So many people say ""It gets better."" But that just irritates me and makes me feel like I am a shitty person. I also hate it when people talk of self love like it is something that is easy to do. Also, I get that some people love themselves and that is beautiful. But I just want to be loved by someone else, and why is not that considered beautiful?Is it wrong to want what I want?Am I selfish for being this way?Am I rude? I do not know. Is it okay to want something?",Depression +15951,"Dear family, I love you so much. I really do not want to die. I am just only still here because of you and a few fun things that happen between what feels like attacks from hell every time I feel better.Life is not fair. Yes, I am well aware of that. Why do people say things like that? do not they realize I straight up do not want to live in an unfair world?I would rather die than give up my ideals of how I know life is supposed to be I will not go to any doctors who push pills while society shames people who take those pills.I am in my 30s and I thought when I first considered suicide at 9 years old, that things would be better by now.I believe in God, and I hope he is merciful and understands that while I do my best to be grateful for the many things I do have, my brain just hurts. It hurts mostly from stress. It hurts from the stress of an unfair world of mental anguish poverty causes. It hurts from a world of non-constructive criticism and blame.It hurts from Reddit. If I were ever to suddenly commit S, it would be because of Reddit.Selective mod rule enforcement, cruel callous mods and extreme, extreme bigotry against religious people, particularly those of abrahamic faiths.Before I go, I truly hope to see legislation enforce a bill of digital rights, as so much of our lives now happen online, with or without our consent.it is my dream to see people be held accountable for the hell they inflict on others.I am exhausted from trying to feel better. Death is the dog that chases me while I run with a bad leg.Shitty politicians do not even allow pain control via legal means, instead criminalizing or scheduling all euphoric substances while promoting antidepressants with black label warnings. I feel it is only a matter of time, with so many odds stacked against me.",Suicidal +15952,"Struggled immensely with Bipolar last year, specifically between July and December. After that, things had been good and I was doing well in life. July this year, and around the same dates surprisingly, my hope has plummeted again and depression is taking over. The reason is my career. My undergrad is in a niche background, yet not something which has no jobs whatsoever. I was willing to shift to a somewhat generic field for my masters ie management. Hailing from India, I have seen insane competition and quite a lot of suppression as well. In India, the most popular choice of degree (let us not take the name here) has people who have no motive behind this degree and literally try their hands in every single field where there is money and ease of jobs despite the relevance. This makes it so much harder for passionate people of that field to succeed. Henceforth, I have been quite entailed in constant depression and anxiety, only enhanced by my mental illness. I have a lot of ambitions, and its a rather courageous move in India to follow your own path. I now feel scared that I might not even be able to survive my parents and will have to struggle for peanuts of money. A rather small hope still pertains yet I am sure it will die soon, and with it I as well. Exactly after one year again, suicide seems like a good option",Suicidal +15953,I want so bad for something to go right. A happy life with friends and people who love me. Sometimes things are so unbelievably terrible that I start to wonder if religion is real and I died and went to hell. I think it would be something like this. I have not even seen a familiar face in over a month. Loneliness is killing me and nobody wants someone broken anymore. Things have been so bad throughout my life that I am starting to wonder if I was a terrible person in my past life and this one is punishment. I do not even believe in past lives.,Depression +15954,"I have never been the person to talk abt my feelings or try and get help but I have reached a point in my life that if i do not get help soon i will not make it, the only thing keeping me here is my family but one day i fear that is not going to be enough. I quit my job because my panic attacks have gotten so bad, I am not in school because i cannot focus on anything for longer than a few minutes i cannot sleep until the sun comes up and no matter how much sleep i get I am permanently exhausted. I spend all day everyday in my room with no one to talk to, and I am just tired I am so tired, i need more than it will get better I am afraid of myself",Depression +15955,I do not want to be here anymore I am done,Suicidal +15956,I am just afraid I am not interesting enough and also I feel so weird texting like when does a conversation end I feel so awkward. It gives me mad anxiety I have ghosted friends for months. I thought of forcing myself to reply but just the thought of it makes me so anxious I cannot bring myself to achieve it. Has anyone found a solution to this? Maybe CBT? I am in therapy already btw I cannot text back my friends,Depression +15957,I cannot even get any form of support from them because its all about them. They just seem to love playing the victim. I do not even find a point in taking to them anymore and they wonder why I do not. Whenever I talk to my parents about my problems somehow they make it about THEM,Depression +15958,I want so bad for something to go right. A happy life with friends and people who love me. Sometimes things are so unbelievably terrible that I start to wonder if religion is real and I died and went to hell. I think it would be something like being alone. I have not even seen a familiar face in over a month. Loneliness is killing me and nobody wants someone broken anymore. Things have so bad throughout my life that I am starting to wonder if I was a terrible person in my past life and this one is punishment. I do not even believe in past lives.,Depression +15959,"I do not really feel fine enough! Feels like something is screaming inside me, something is yelling at me from inside, i feel like throwing my devices away from the window and punch the household stuffs and break them off, i feel so unsatisfied at myself from inside, i feel like i hate every existing individual whom i knowMy body does not feel right, i feel so weak inside and outside, no its not new to me, i feel similar stuffs every single day since 3 years, but it was not much, i could tolerate it, am 17, but this year, it kind of too much for me, i feel like i hate the worldseems like my childhood self screams inside me and asks me to stop, and yells at me for being at such a condition mentallyAs i write this, my body feels weak and my arms feel painful, and i feel annoyed at everything, every single thing Hear me out",Depression +15960,"I just exist because I have nothing else to do. My job is boring, my life is boring, I think my only friend does not even like me anymore, I only get texts when my fwb wants to fuck and I do not even like sex anymore. Even when I am playing online video games I am asking myself wtf is happening in my life. I have been trying to make new friends, to go outside and talk with people, but maybe I am the problem. I am a boring person with a boring life, boring stories and I get ghosted after a couple of messages. Man, I do not even GAFOS about life anymore. I feel... numb. My family tells me I look like a street dog when someone tries to be friendly (you know, always scared to be beaten and expecting to be hurt again). But that is my life now, this is who I am right now. I have been ignored, ghosted and treated like shit lately and I became so plain nobody likes me anymore. Remember that feeling when you had a crush, a dream or expecting something from life itself? I miss that feeling. I wake up at 6 am every single day with zero calls, zero messages, not a single person asks me if I am still alive.And do not come and say ""get out of your comfort zone"" or ""do not expect something from others"". because you are as broken as I am. IDGAFOS anymore. I am an NPC in someone else's life. I do not even feel like ending my life anymore. I do not feel anything, just a void.",Depression +15961,"So, growing up I played a lot of this game called ""Roblox"", I am sure by now everyone knows what it is but basically it is this lego-kind of game where you can create your own places and avatars and the such, I had a bit of an addiction to it for a shamefully long time. I met many people there, and even ""dated"" (with other people my age), but I feel extremely gross looking back. At one point, i had even begun looking at RR34 (basically Roblox Hentai.) and I even almost messaged one of the creators of that stuff, assuming they were an adult, which is dumb in hindsight. I do not remember if I was actually going to or not, but I feel extremely shameful and guilty regardless. I never had any predatory intentions but looking back now, it would be really creepy for an 18 year old to be doing the kind of stuff I did and I feel really guilty and scared I could have accidentally gotten someone hurt, because most people that play are obviously underage. I am really scared now that I am somehow a p*do or that everyone would think i am because of this embarassing and horrible crap I feel scared that I am a p*do",Suicidal +15962,"I am in hell, this is hell. Please help somebody I wake up crying now even",Suicidal +15963,No I fucking do not. My $60+ a week does. My therapist says I matter to her,Depression +15964,I feel so sad . And she thinks its my fault. And she hates me. I have already felt this way but this put me over the edge . Last night my friends crush raped me,Suicidal +15965,"I tried so many times, but somehow I keep failing. I cannot even kill myself properly. I fucking hate myself. I want to die so so bad. I am 14 btw I should not be feeling this way. Life has not even started yet. I am scared to seek help. they will just call me an attention whore. I want someone to notice that I am not okay but I also do not, I just want to die. But I do not want to hurt my mom. Maybe I should just be selfish and jump of a fucking building or something I want to die :)",Suicidal +15966,"Anyone have any ways of coping with this? Fires around where I live have left the sky smokey. My mom is a climate change denier and it kills any hope I have that people can change this around. My dad was telling her that she needs to stop watering the grass since we are in a water shortage and she said ""of course we are in a water shortage; it is summer."" I do not really want to watch this get worse and see the people I care about suffer Climate crisis exacerbating suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +15967,"Can you lead a fulfilling life and be happy without freedom? If yes how do I manage to live a happy fulfilling life in a home for disabled and mentally ill, while not being able to decide anything about your life?How do I manage to be happy despite this? Can you be happy without freedom?",Depression +15968,"TL:DR- last paragraphAt the moment I am going through some extremely difficult times. My physical health has declined very drastically after going through a rather rough time of not being able to find the right medicine. Its been two years since I started really feeling the difference from me being really sad and me being depressed. I did not get onto the right combinations of medicines until the end of April this year. I forgot what it was like to have good days, so when the medicine started working it was so amazing. I was so happy. I was improving and fixing so much of what I had lost and I felt better than ever. This did not last and that is why I titled this the way it is. My partner and I have been together for a long time. Many years before I was diagnosed with depression. I was the one who looked after her mental health, so when we switched it made some things really difficult. She saved me from myself so many times and I always let everyone know how grateful I was to her. Eventually the medicine worked and I was feeling happy for myself and our relationship. However, it took a great toll on her and she kept her feelings from me and made hasty decisions she regrets making. She wanted us to take a break while she could be more independent. I did not get this because I said I would totally support her with everything. Hours later she regretted saying what she said. It was hard for me, this has never happened between us before. We eventually started getting back on track even though things were tense. Her pet ended up dying and she went to visit family for the weekend, when she came back she said she wanted us to take a break, again. I kind of broke at that point, she kept trying to convince me that she still wanted us to be together, but I just could not understand. So I said okay, but I told her that I do not think I could just take a break. She sat on this for a couple hours and regretted it again. It was much much harder for me to come back this time. And now I am the one struggling with how I feel about her. I love her deeply but these wounds are so large and I do not know if Ill be able to have them fixed. We are trying but its going to take a long time. This also worries me and hurts my trust in her. I have also lost a connection to a group of close friends during this time. We go to different universities and I have not know them as long as they had known each other. The other friend that is long distance like me, is the one I am closest to. When my medicine started working, I told him that I was worried about this very thing happening and then it did. I feel alone and apart from everyone in my life and its horrible. I dislike pity. Mostly just from those close to me and care for me deeply but just do not get what I am going through. My grandmother is the closest person to me in my whole life and I rely heavily on her input. Telling her how bad my physical health has become killed me. Hearing her cry because she is so scared for me is too much and it makes me feel so horrible. Back to the title, there is a difference in this depression on this medicine and what I was on before. I am lucid and capable of rational thought and it can feel so much worse than when I could not process everything. I am looking for the answers to help me now, and never finding them makes everything so much worse. The different emotions I feel get thought about and it makes me so mad that I cannot do anything about it. I am at the point where I may stop taking my medicine to make things easier for me, I just do not want to regret this later. I am worried and hurt. Sometimes I feel worse when I am on my medicine",Depression +15969,"The fact is that our society is centered around the idea that people can always fall back on their families when they hit hard times. The social safety net is very weak, if not nonexistent, across the western world. The basic premise of this is that governments want to save money by offloading the costs of survival onto the families of the disabled, sick, elderly, and otherwise down on their luck folks. But not everyone can rely on their family. Some people have cruel, abusive family who would take advantage of anothers vulnerability, and others have no family at all. What of these people? The ruling consensus seems to be that we should just fall through the cracks, be forgotten and die. If we cannot pay our bills then we lose our worth as human beings and so are meant to die as soon as possible. I have nobody to fall back on, I think the system is meant to push me to suicide",Depression +15970,"I am hurting really bad. At this point so bad that if I had to get on my hands and knees and beg someone to make things just a little a easier, just make me a little stronger, I would.I feel so pathetic and weak. I would sob at someone is feet and beg them to help me because I cannot take it anymore. Just stop my pain please, god please. I am hurting",Suicidal +15971,"I do not know how people work 30+ hours per week. I recently got a fairly good job (subjectively); $10/hr, does not care about thc on drug tests (big one for me), young female managers I can relate to, ect. But my phobia of working has only gotten worse since I started. I break down in panic and tears before a shift even if I use all my self soothing techniques. I have lost my appetite (averaging like 900 calories a day) and cannot think about anything else but work, even if I am playing videogames or doing art. I am only 5 days in and I have called out twice for being ""sick"" (funny that mental illness can be more life-threatening than a cold or flu but somehow those are more valid as an excuse) so they probably think I am a horrible employee and/or lying just to sit at home and watch TV. I cannot quit because I cannot afford rent already. Even if I did I would just have to move on to some other miserable job where everyone is pretending to be happy and get along. Some other miserable job where I work my ass off to get paid less than someone making minimum in another state. it is a waste of time, especially since I am not making a difference or benefiting other than a little money. I have been told to try seeing it as a stepping stone to a job I would enjoy (or at least not dread). The best way I can describe why this strategy does not work is: it feels like everyone has these stepping stones to where we want to be and the life we want, but mine is covered in broken glass and I am barefoot, while everyone else is hopping on smooth stones with tennis shoes. And I do not even think the end goal is worth it. The reality of life is that humans are suffering all the time; Conscious or unconscious. Even if I had my dream life of being some kind of political pundit through my writing and a family, we will all still be oppressed by capitalism and the death of someone close to me can and will happen at any time. I feel incredibly trapped in this life. Defective and Pitiful",Suicidal +15972,"she is the only reason why I keep on living, I live only for her, and it (this situation, not my dog) frustrates me because I would just want to be free, but there is this part of me that no matter how hard I may want it will never let me do it (which I do not know if its a good or a bad thing) because I love too much this big little furry ball. My dog keeps me living",Suicidal +15973,"I feel like shit whenever I allow myself to feel anything. I have been alone my whole life, trusting people and feeling loved are several tiers above my current position on my hierarchy of needs, and they always have been, and I think they probably always will be. and yet, I do not want to die. but living is so hard, so much work, and it is obviously not worth it. my reward for a long day's work is coming home and feeling like shit, going to bed (probably after crying myself to sleep if I had any energy to spare after work) and another day of the same. nothing gets better, and I am too weak to fix or change anything, and too alone to get help. I know that eventually my will to live will be eroded completely, and I will finally kill myself. I do not know whether that will be weeks, months or (hopefully not) years. but eventually, I will either get my hands on an easier way to go (in which case I will probably kill myself as soon as possible) or I will grow a pair and off myself with a kitchen knife and a bottle of ibuprofen. I think if I had a single reason, just one, to go on, then I could make it work. just one close friend, one shred of hope or faith, one source of support (whatever the fuck that looks like) and I could rationalize the pain and square it away. maybe even get the strength to become the version of myself I desperately wish to be. But I do not think that will ever happen, and that is my fault. My sister told me the other day that I always seem cold and distant, that is why nobody likes being around me, nobody confides in me or allows me to confide in them. I am a piece of human debris from my parents' loveless marriage, flanked on all sides with valuable and good people, while I crumble under the slightest pressure. I learned to only be comfortable alone, to trust nobody, and that I am worthless. I do not know if I can find the strength to un-learn these things, or if it is even possible. I refuse to tolerate my current existence for much longer. Soon, I will either be dead or someone different, someone humanlike. I do not know why I bother writing any of this, I do not know shit about fuck, I do not know who I am or what I am. death seems just so simple and obvious. I do not understand how anybody can see life as being worth it.",Suicidal +15974,"so I am 20 yr old and I have a 24 yr old sister and my father is pretty strict. I mean he is strict in general with all three of us (me , my brother and sister) and i understand that it is bc he is trying to protect as from the unfairness and corruption that is in the world. but he is extra strict on my sister especially since she is a girl. for example he does not allow her to go out with her friends even though they are only girls because he thinks that girls should not go out alone since he does not trust the people and what will they do. also having a boyfriend is outside of the question and he does not care if he makes a scene outside of the house when something is wrong and because of all of this she lost a lot of her friends and started being lonely and depressed.now if I am being fair to him my grandparents was twice as strict and he was treated much harsher than us since that was the mentality back in the 60s/70s and that was just he was raised. and amid all of this I try to help all I can and I always hear her out whenever she needs to in addition I always try to convince her to talk to him but she refused the idea and said that she will resent me forever if I ever talked to him behind her back and I think she is being serious about it. so now I am in a difficult position where I cannot do anything but watch as her hatred grows each day while having nothing to do to stop it. and it is starting to eat me up inside bc I do not want my family to fall apart. hell my hands are shaking typing this just from the idea of what could happen if we do not solve this problem.so as conclusion. if anyone has any tips then please help me...I am starting to lose my shit here.**0 CommentsShareEdit PostSaveHide** I a 24 yr sister with a parent that is strict on her that she started developing depression bc of that and began claiming that she does not have a father. what should i do to help?",Depression +15975,"I cannot breathe. I feel like I am dying without actual death, just suffocating torture. I feel so suffocated",Depression +15976,"Paper pusher,Pushin money but my pockets are not gettin thicker.I lay in bed all night and stay in a cube all day;I am destroying my health, every part of myself is just getting sicker.Paper pusher, Pushin myself to move a dollar over to your wallet.Doing my best to stay afloat, Finding motivation having a will to live - shit,...is this the normal life that you call it?!Paper pusher,Why do I have to fix my mental health when you are the one that caused it?!Funny thing is... I am doing all this shit just so my bank can have a bi-weekly deposit.I throw a fit, I throw a tantrum.I would not give a fuck; if your networks hacked and they asked for a ransom.Engineer?! You think my life should be awesome?!,because I am middle class and could buy more gear than the average adult?!, Bitch -I live in fear.Fear that I will not make it til the next day or next year.Fear that Ill be all by myself;because I work for your wealth,and keep to myself,so when you look up my health~It will not say I am clinically depressed.Honestly, I FEEL HEAVILY OPRESSED.Honestly, how many people do you think would still be working if they did not receive a check?!How many people have done lost their ways to wanting to become the best?Is it just me? because... I do not know what is left.What should I do next?-Bitch a bit about my job, and do it again;My lifes a mess, if were playing chess, then you have always got me in check...Paper pusher,Pushin money but my pockets are not gettin thicker.I lay in bed all night and stay in a cube all day;I am destroying my health, every part of myself is just getting sicker.Paper pusher, Pushin myself to move a dollar over to your wallet.Doing my best to stay afloat, Finding motivation having a will to live - shit,...is this the normal life that you call it?!Paper pusher,Why do I have to fix my mental health when you are the one that caused it?!Funny thing is... I am doing all this shit just so my bank can have a bi-weekly deposit. Lyrics I wrote just now, as I struggle to wake up today trying to explain a portion of my mental health.",Depression +15977,"I feel like an attention whore writing this, but oh well..my life is great, good parents who work hard to put me in a good place, and a high paying school. There is nothing they have not given to me, the problem is not them but me. kind of surprised and relieved they have not abandoned me. The problem is just me, I am so stupid, I think I am right sometimes only to realize i was wrong, since 2020 I realized I was just being stupid, thinking I am depressed and just wanting attention, and I am sorry for that. Its just that something is wrong with me, why cannot I make my parents proud, why I am I such an idiot, why cannot I do what is right for once! I thought I was finally grasping onto life slowly becoming someone good, but right now, I am thinking of the most selfish thing again, I want to die, I know its the only way to to them happy,but I wish I knew what to do to not disappoint them, to make them proud of me without dying. All they ask was a beautiful, smart daughter, but at the age of 15 I am still fat and ugly wasting their money. I am do not know what to do anymore.",Suicidal +15978,title says it all goodbye killing myself because I am the dumbest person alive,Suicidal +15979,"I want to kill myself. I am tired. I want to go to sleep and never awake. The only reason that I have not attempted it yet is because I have not had a day off where I had nothing to do in a few weeks. My friendships are falling apart, I am affecting my relationship in a negative way. Its very evident that I am not happy, but I answer every question with I am fine, and part of me thinks that I am. I feel more comfortable when I am in this place, because I have spent so long here that I know what to expect. Being happy scares me because I do not want it to end, and it always does. I am so tired",Depression +15980,"Its just getting harder and harder and I am almost completely justifying my thoughts with the fact that no matter how we think about life, its so minuscule and meaningless that death is the sameI could die and be forgotten so quickly it would be like I never existedIm not saying the people in my life do not care, I know they do but once they are gone after me who is to say I even happenedId just be another dead personAnd probably not even that. No one will truly care about me once I am gone long enough Hi",Suicidal +15981,I am a nineteen year old teenage girl that wants to be a male trans and I am going to kill myself tonight because I cannot get anyone to like my penis love my parents hate me want me dead and told me to do it so I will do it. ill kill myself tonight because no one likes me or my artwork,Suicidal +15982,"Many people here, but not all only think people ""deserve"" to have trauma if they were hit every day as a kid but growing up in an isolating, emotionally blackmailing environment as a kid is just as harmful. you will basically have a depressed child that grew up with zero healthy sense of identity or self talk who thinks there is nothing wrong with him or her because they grew up ""middle class"". They end up isolated by almost everyone who is their age and does not even understand why. It does not even stop after one is young either or when you graduate HS. kids like this or (""us"" I guess) grow up to be the guy in college who only stays in the dorm 24/7 or goes straight from work to home every single day of the week. and girls who grow up like this will not end up like this so much, but will keep getting in one relationship after another, where the guy only wants one thing from her and basically every time she finds out the guy was just using her for sex or validation. And of course this vicious cycle leads many women to think all men are bad when they just keep meeting other people who are mentally ill (but not in the same way maybe her brother who grew up the same would be)Hope you guys found understanding in this post or related to it well I feel like we as a country (the US) do not do nuance and mentally ill people suffer for that",Depression +15983,"My antidepressant is finally working it is called Brintellix, I am on 20mg.Do antidepressants work for you? Just curious. :) Thank you Brintellix:)",Depression +15984,"Vent... I know everyone is life is different and so is mine, but I am unable to shake this feeling of worthlessness off my mind.Not in contact with any of my schoolmates but I accidentally/out of curiosity looked up for one of my BFFS on SM and find out that she is doing great.Married, has kids and a career. I feel that I have been stuck in this phase for this many years without making any progress. Why does my life turn out this way. I have had everything in life but still why is everyone else ahead of me in terms of career and personal life.I too have a personal life and in no way am I comparing it with that of others but still it feels like rubbing salt on an already sore wound. I am already having trouble coming to terms with my life and trying to make progress, unfortunately to no avail, and then seeing others make it seem so easy (in no way am I saying that they have had it all easy, it is that they easily do those things that I struggle with in my everyday life) is so depressing.Since my school days I have had nothing but tears and struggles, and I still do not see myself as an independent woman (that is so annoying) and seeing my 'once upon a time bff' settled in life is making me question my existence even more. I could go on and on and on... Thoughts...",Depression +15985,"Does anyone know a way a minor can get a gun? Please, do not try and comfort me, just a simple yes or no How to get a gun",Suicidal +15986,"Hi, I am having a downward spiral and I really wish that I could talk to someone for a while. PLEASE. I really wish I could talk to someone. PLEASE!",Depression +15987,"Does anyone know what to do with this? I feel really stressed out of nowhere right now, I am not breathing irragular or hyperventilating but my breath got heavier. Just all my bad memories are constantly popping up out of nowhere and it is been doing that all day. I cannot relax and feel like I am about to cry any moment but it will not come.I have never had this before. I tried looking it up but all I found was panic attacks, but I have had those before but this is different from those times.... Anyone have any idea what this is or how to calm down because I cannot function at the moment and distraction does not work either, I cannot keep myself distracted because everything brings up some stupid memory and I have been hitting my head all day to try and make it stop. Getting kind of panicked and idk what to do",Depression +15988,"Some people practice positive thoughts, some try correcting their negative one, some do affirmations..I just want to know how the brain works. Is the brain like an empty glass that you fill up with thoughts, or is it more like a computer where you have to delete data before adding new ones.I feel like I inevitably come back to my old thinking, as if I am stretching out my brain when I practice positive thought but it always come back to its original form.. it was feels unnatural to me to practice positive thoughts..what do you think? Is changing your thoughts possible and how would you go about it?",Depression +15989,"I am on the brink of going and jumping off a building. My dysphoria always get minimized because ""I am doing it for attention"", or that I do not even have it. Even though I have been constantly suicidal for years and am at my absolute lowest now. My grades have tanked and I have completely given up at having friends. I have nothing. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone else. Not being able to speak without feeling horrible about what your body has become, struggling to look at your own body in the shower because it is never felt right. Just my very existence is a constant reminder of how I should have been. Dealing with this, silently, for years on years on years is torture.Just killing myself seems easier than trying to explain myself just to survive because apparently I am too young to decide whether I should get life saving treatment :/ why do people love minimizing mental health issues so much",Suicidal +15990,just spent the entire day doing nothing and i feel sick why did not i get off my bed and go into the pool with my sisterswhy did not i go to the park why did not i play my guitarand yet i feel so drained when i just laid in bed all dayim so sick of myself why am i like this why did not i just get upim so close to being four months free of sh but the urges are getting so bad why am i such a screw up why cannot i be normali just want to feel full again did not do anything today,Depression +15991,"I am boring, low energy, always sad, and probably just not a kind person. Idk, I think I am kind but I have bitterness and hatred in me from the experiences I have had and things I observe. I am starting to think I do not have a good personality",Suicidal +15992,"does not matter what I do, what I have, how much money I have hobbies and ""fun"" seem like an escape.I feel ok most of the time, but then realize how I always look towards the future in hopes of living better: I feel like I do not have talents and do not have passions, I feel like a failure and I do not feel confident in myself. I do not feel satisfied",Depression +15993,"I am so tired of being stepped on and hurt. When I try to open up about my feelings with my mom I just get lectured and yelled at about how ungrateful I am and how I do not realize how good I have it. One time I just came home from school and she started screaming at me for something that was out of my control, and when I broke down crying, all my stepdad said was stop. The first time I tried to date, it ended with me on a call with the suicide hotline because she threatened to kill herself when I did not fight to stay with her. I only knew her for two days. The first person i kissed, the first person I cuddled with, the first person to say ""I love you"" to me, the first person I felt comfortable saying ""I love you"" to, turned his back and ostracized me from our mutual friends when I relapsed into self harm. My father sexually assaulted me while drunk when I was 12 and I still live with the repercussions. I could not even do my laundry because I had a mental breakdown. I could not stop reliving it. I could not stop thinking about how it affected my confidence and sense of self worth and still fucking does. All I could do was curl up against the fucking wall and try not to cry. I used to be terrified of people finding out somehow and I was scared that they would think that that was my awakening if i was ever outed. My only friend throughout high school does not ever ask me how I am doing and i cannot talk about being gay around him. He gets pissed or says he would not f me when i talk about it. Fuck, I cannot even meme about it without him arguing with me. My other friends, who do not know how bad this hurts, make jokes about how I used to force myself to be straight. They say things like ""remember when you tried to be straight? lol."" As if I could forget. As if I could forget the dozens of fucking times I locked myself in my bathroom with my knife for it. As if I could forget staring at myself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe something is wrong with me... I do not know. I am scared I am going to try to kill myself soon. I do not want to die yet. I do not want to die until I have felt love, if I can ever find it. I need to know what that feels like at least. But the only other thing keeping me from ending it right now is fear. Thanks for listening my terribly organized thoughts n stuff. Guess I will ramble now",Suicidal +15994,"For nearly 15 years I have been going to therapy. Different types, with different people. I am about to go again, seeing if perhaps this time it helps.I have tried medication. I have tried no medication.I exercise.I sleep well.I eat healthy.I have nice doctors.I fully understand my worth and talent.I have pets.I see the sun everyday.The list is long but I cannot be bothered to write it. I do and have done every damn fucking thing I have been told.And I am not getting better. I am constantly getting worse. I was bad at 18, and here at nearly 30, I am SIGNIFICANTLY worse. I do all that is suggested and more to make it stop. So now fucking what? I do what everyone recommends and it does not work. So now what?",Depression +15995,"I used to be super happy and social and in the last few years I have had a few things happened that have really changed me and damaged my self esteem. I am trying to get back to where I once was, but just do not feel like I am very much fun to be around anymore. I used to have so many friends and now i feel like I have very few people who are genuine friends and want to be around me. I am not sure my friends even like me anymore. **Anyone been here? Tips for turning things around?** I feel like my friends are there out of obligation and not because they like me.",Depression +15996,"I should be happy, I have a supportive family and a decent job. But throughout my life I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression, and every decision, big or small, completely consumes me, sometimes for weeks. And because I overthink and lead with my emotions, I often make poor choices which leads to more anxiety and crippling regret. When I get good advice, I ""think"" myself out of it. I do not enjoy anything because my stomach is always in knots and my brain is on constant replay of what ""could have been"" had I done things differently. The only reason I carry on is because I have responsibilities to others and do not want to screw that up. I have tried talk therapy and some medication but the relief is temporary at best. I know this is wrong and completely non-productive, but I just cannot seem to break out of this self-destructive pattern. I make bad decisions and am consumed by regret",Depression +15997,"10 years ago, I was a functioning teenager. One day, during school, a nervous break down took 10 years off my life.10 years in isolation. For 10 years, life stood still. Friendships faded, relatives gave up on me, and every waking moment became another battle to maintain my own sanity.All it took was the love of a girl to bring me out of it.My family could not believe it. I felt unstoppable. Mountains became molehills, the impossible, became possible, and gradually I pulled myself back from the brink and back out into the world.I got my drivers licence, I started going to the gym, I took a course in Medicine. For the first time in years, I was happy... ...but everything had changed... so much time had passed. My school years were finished. All of my friends had grown up and moved on... and the realisation that I had lost my teenage years had sunk in.I felt like I would been hit by a truck. I fell to my knees on the middle of the road and psychologically saw my heart smash into a million pieces...I slowly reached down and grabbed a handful of the shards in attempt to put them back together... before dropping them completely...""it is okay..."" I said to myself. ""She was not real anyway."" I wish I could go back...",Depression +15998,"Does anyone just want to chat about suicide? I need someone to talk to and I am also happy to listen. Yeah, that is pretty much it. Basically chat? lol",Suicidal +15999,Do any of you have any tips on how to distract myself? I am not tired enough to take a depression nap and none my friends seem to be available. All I can think of is killing myself. I thought of maybe eating a comfort meal. Things to distract myself to not commit suicide?,Suicidal +16000,"I am spiralling downwards, I cannot figure out my own character and the only person I have loved hates me because I was too careless to see that she loved me the way I was, she was tired of keeping up with my bullshit. I really fucked everything up last week. I mean, all of that I motivated myself to jump off a bridge last week, and I failed to do so last second when someone stopped me and lectured me the values of life. It gave me hope that somewhere out there a stranger cared about my safety, but I do not care about myself anymore. I am too overwhelmed with strong emotions, I cannot handle it much longer til I do another attempt. I cannot find an answer anymore, I am too tired to fix shit, I am too tired to feel the same shit going through my mind. I am losing hope and control on life, I cannot seem to find a point on being alive anymore.",Suicidal +16001,"Hello Reddit, I need your help.(Long story short) Last year I lost everything, including my family, my relationship, all of my savings, and my job. I have been dealing with depression since I was a child. Last December, I tried a suicide attempt and it failed. I do not want to go into full details because I am sure we have all had it rough.&#x200B;Now, I am still here in the process of recovering since my last attempt. I have a few friends that support me mentally. I live rent-free for a while at a friend's house. &#x200B;I am not asking for financial aid, but I need help. I am trying to build a platform (not sharing any links due to self-promoting) to share my knowledge and experience with my mental difficulties. The goal is to help others. It feels like the only right thing for me to do, but I need help. &#x200B;I need feedback on my work, ideas, creative designs for my stuff, SEO knowledge, and general tips. I will take any help someone is willing to give me.&#x200B;If there is someone out there that is willing to help I would love to get in contact. I think I am pretty easy to find or you can comment on this post to reach out. I feel like I am alone in this battle, and I do not want to do this alone.",Depression +16002,"I am at a point in my life where i feel like I am the anchor stopping the boat with all my friends n family on board. Holding them up from continuing on with the beautiful adventure, just want to cut the line and be left alone in the depths of the sea to rot. Bit of a back story, and this is going to be hard for me to open up about as it the first time doing so, but I have recently become a father, but I have never seen my child, but choice, and it kills me, no matter how i look at it, i always end up woth I am a shit cunt and do not deserve my child, from the day i found out till now (she is 3months old now), i see signs that tell me that their better off without me, that their more happier with out me, i told less then a handful of close friends and they all left me in the dark, but that is not their fault, they have also all have had new nephews, nieces cousins so makes sense, just want to be happy again with my daughter in my arms, but all the signs lead to hell and I am thinking of taking that turn, seems like the right thing todo for everyone around me The signs keep coming",Suicidal +16003,"Hey, Big Fan of Poetry particularly around depression or existentialism! would be cool if anyone else wrote their own and commented :) Your Depression Poems Please :)",Depression +16004,Everything took nosedives. Stressful moments over and over. Sometimes it was good. But now it is fucking awful. I am starting to lose my mind. Self harm is back. I cannot keep myself away from it. I have hurt myself lot of times but never attempted suicide. I feel like I am going to attempt it within months. I do not want to live. Just a fucking failure. Things are going down. I do not think I will be able to hold on,Suicidal +16005,"How far grom truth is statement that depression is half caused by biological problem and half caused by psychological problem. People meme about eating a lot when depressed, especially ice cream and junk food and it is known that those types of food produce some kibd of serotonin for the body. Biological or psychologic problem",Depression +16006,I am in hospital right now. And I know exactly what to say so the let me out and I am going to say it. Fucking pathetic demons. they are going to let me out and they are going to pay for it This will not stop me,Suicidal +16007,"I am currently visiting my real estates in Italy, and I thought this would bring me some happiness since it is pretty exciting. But it does not. I cannot wait to leave, I would even prefer to sell it all. I just feel so empty, I am pretending to have a good time to the people and friends around me. Yes I had some tough times in my past, I just do not know anymore what it needs to bring me joy. Sorry for such loose sand words here. I come to a point where I simply do not care anymore. :( Empty",Depression +16008,"Even if I would try, I probably would not have the balls to pull it off. I am to scared to end it, its pathetic",Depression +16009,"Every day is just an overwhelming flood of the same terrible things happening over and over again, but it gets worse every day. It would be nice to just end it before it gets any worse. Sometimes, I resent my family and friends. If they did not care about me, I could kill myself without hurting anyone.",Depression +16010,"It will not ever get better, will it? I can honestly say that I would rather be dead than keep dealing with the same awful people, in the same terrible place, every single day.",Suicidal +16011,"Every morning is hell. School is not easy, I cannot keep up with anything and exams start in exactly in 7 days. I am going to fail miserably if I do end up taking them, and I do not want to experience that all over again. I am sorry, my parents, my teachers, my friends, and my sister. I do not know what to do. I did not know I will end up so pathetic. The only way I do see is the path of suicide. But I know the consequences. The grief, the unbearable pain. I am sorry, I cannot do this. If I could run away, I would do that. I just want to get out of this situation. In any way. I cannot continue like this, it is painful. Call me a coward if you will. Someone on here, please just help me figure out what to do. Are there any other ways I can escape this all without ending it? I need to know, because if there are none, I have to get ready. I cannot do this.",Depression +16012,"I do not know who I can talk to, or say anything regarding to to in person. I know that it is not right. I have been suffering for the past month, when me and my ex broke up and I came back to my home country as I had moved to be with her, I had hope we would be together again at some point etc, and seeing we were renting a place together I left her all of my money so she could afford the rent as alone she could never. So I did, however I have her bank account on my phone (did not anymore) because we shared it, so I kept getting notifications about deliveries, such as uber eats, deliveroo, just eat (fast food). My money was partially being used for this on a daily basis, over 100 pounds were used in under 5 days. I contested her about it she kept treating me like trash, and I demanded the money back with the promise that I would send her the money back when rent was due, atleast this way I knew it would be there for the reason it initially was. She ended up sending me the money, we talked a couple times and everytime we did she would rub on my face how much better she is now without me, how she is quote on quote ""living her best life"", and obviously sure this is fair but I do not want something rubbed on my face such as that when I am clearly suffering. The following day we talked again and I told her that I truly plan on killing myself, and whilst I was explaining why and how she messaged me her PayPal mid video call, to send her the money before I do so. Yesterday (17th) was the day I was supposed to give her the money back and I ended up not doing so, because I do not deserve to be treated like this, or atleast I do not. I was insulted by her on many different occasions, kept being told I am a horrible person and manipulative, she kept saying ""yea everyone said you would not send it back yet here I was thinking you would have some consideration in you"" , when well...I changed countries in december just to live with her, so I feel like she cannot contest that I care for her. Nonetheless yesterday our final message before she blocked me on a social platform was her telling me ""all the stuff you have on your instagram saying you hope we will get back together, and one day our paths will cross once more, forget about them because I will not allow myself to stoop so low for someone like you"" and that really hurt me, and although I feel like she will not ever come back, I did not want that to be said it that way. I was really hurt all day yesterday and had really awful dreams regarding this situation. I woke up and I heavily started considering, flying back to her country, murdering her and killing myself. I do not know what to do. I cannot exactly explain why this would be the right decisiona nd I am sure it is not however, it feels like for once she would understand even if for a second, how it is to be on the suffering side. Considering suicide and a crime",Suicidal +16013,Recently got prescribed escitalopram for my depression. I took it and oddly feel alot better. I do not think I have felt sad or had suicidal thoughts since I took it. Will this cure me? What happens if I stop taking it? How does this work? Will it cure me?,Depression +16014,"Meds or nothing help me, I sometimes think my life is suppose to be like this.I do not know what to say, life sucks. No matter what I do to try to find some happiness nothing works. Is there anyway to stop thinking about suicide? Its eating me alive, everyday its all I think about, every-time something happens bad in my life I just tell myself Ill end up killing myself so who cares.",Suicidal +16015,I always stop myself but I have been reading a lot and preparing for death and I feel like I finally found the mindset I need to kill myself. I do not feel nearly as scared of death anymore. I feel so good like I can finally end all of this and stop feeling this way. The power is in my hands to stop it all and I only have to die. I feel liberated in a way. I do not have to take this anymore. I can say fuck this and go away. it is my choice. I know people will do what people do and try to stop me but it is an anon account for a reason. I feel ready. I am ready. I can make the world a better place by leaving it and that is the contribution I am going to make tonight. I cannot stop drinking and I finally embarrassed someone I care about for the last time. I do not want to feel this depression ever again. I finally feel like I can do it.,Suicidal +16016,"Once I am decided, there is no point in discussion.Maybe this is why there are so few responses here. Nobody can convince me why I should not do it",Suicidal +16017,Please someone convince me to kill myself I am afraid of dying and I am afraid of surviving and waking up in the hospital someone please convince me to do it Please,Suicidal +16018,I am curious where is your mind now? Is your mind in thunderstorms or green gardens? . My mind is in between the two at the moment which is good because my antidepressant is FINALLY WORKING. I also listen to sad music which is my coping mechanism. Thunderstorms or green gardens?,Depression +16019,"Have never been a talker. It is who I am since I was a kid.Surprisingly, this offends my mom, who is fully aware of my condition, to such extent. She would try non-stop to chit chat. My depression is making me tried enough to find something to eat yet the attempt continues. I usually reply with short sentence or just a word. When my depression is at its peak, I just do not want to response. That made her so angry she burst out loudly that if I do not want to talk to her then she will not too. This is not the first occurrence. I can barely feel anything. I cannot find even a single objective to keep me attached here.Only thing I feel now is a bit of guilt, probably will went away after I sleep.I have been doing what I could for the past years.I never ask her for money. I went to college even it is my root because of fear and depression just because she asked me to.I never do bad stuff or creating problems. I always help her when she asked although with occasional satire remark, I delivered.I contain all my shitty feeling to myself, not wanting to burden her with it.And yet, it is not enough. Apparently in her book, a good kid is a kid who would actively talk and share their thoughts which is nothing like me.I should not have been here. I just do not want to talk or to be more precise. not to speak.",Depression +16020,he literally broke down and cried and he is the strongest person i know. he just broke down and started crying and telling me not to leave and that he will be here for me. he has been dealing with a lot of stress for the past few months and me having depression and attempting suicide definitely did not help. he was talking to me normally telling me that things will be fine and he literally broke down and started crying just like that. i really cannot stop thinking about suicide but i do not know what to do. I am literally the worst daughter ever he has put up with my shit for so long and he tries to support me and help me i feel like shit man. i was already feeling like shit and now i do not know how the hell I am supposed to feel. i cannot even cry now. i cannot believe my dad broke down and cried like that. i still do not know what to think or say. i just do not know. my dad had a mental breakdown in front of me,Depression +16021,Have been fighting clinical depression for awhile. Just reaching out to see how others cope with the day to day since I have been in a rough place recently any advice or input would mean alot. have not been able to keep my happy go lucky demeanor around friend/family and I do not want to get stuck again relying on pick me ups (opiates) since I have been clean for awhile. Sorry for the long read just do not really know where or who to talk to during this time . Going day to day it is a struggle and cannot put up the happy facade any longer without breaking,Depression +16022,"I either have to keep on finding ways around the panic and anxiety attacks to get my work done or battle the constant fatigue.I have learnt to exploit meditative techniques, nutrition, socialisation, etc to deal with the panic and anxiety attacks. But I do not know what to do about the more physical things. I have night full of nightmares related to work stress. I wake up feeling like I have not slept. I feel nauseated and lightheaded for many hours after waking up (I am on the SSRI Citalopram). The constant fatigue makes me want to turn my brain off completely if I could! But I fear napping or anything like that as sleep comes with a tonne of nightmares. Not to mention that sleeping during the day will mess up my daily cycle.I feel exhausted, lightheaded and almost like I have been breathing through a narrow straw all day! I get these heaviness in my head and headaches from all that. Is there something I could be doing to get some energy back? I need to do intensive research work that is VERY taxing cognitively speaking. I desperately need the energy and the stability. How do you guys deal with the fatigue? It is destroying me.",Depression +16023,it is one of those things that I will probably never get used to. I cannot meet my own gaze without wanting to cry. I feel so much hatred and disgust towards myself that seeing it in my eyes makes me want to cower and hide. Looking your reflection in the eyes and seeing nothing but pure loathing is... scary. No one has ever looked at me like that.,Depression +16024,"Hi there, I have had a couple of episodes of depression over the last few years but I understand that everyone is experience is different. A few years ago I made friends with someone who also suffered with depression but more severely. I did as much as I could to help but unfortunately they did something to hurt me - not intentionally but it hit me pretty hard. Anyway we carried on for a bit longer until one day we had an argument. Then I felt like things had changed - they stopped communicating, became quite avoidant. I did manage to arrange a talk with them - all I got from them was that they had gone in to protective mode, they had their guard up and they did not want to hurt me because that would hurt them. I did ask them if they still wanted me in their life and they said obviously yes. However things did not really improve after a month - I could see that they were getting closer to a mutual friend - almost like they were replacing me with them. I tried to speak to them again but they just shut me down (they were in a bad place at the time). They did apologise but then the next day they blocked me. I just want to see if anyone relates to any of those feelings because pushing people away is not something that I did when I was depressed so I want to understand a bit more of where they are coming from. I do not want to take it personally but I do find it quite hard sometimes. Pushed away",Depression +16025,My friend has been struggling with depression for a long time but it is been extremely bad recently. Me and his girlfriend have had to stop his attempts at least 4 times in about a week and we cannot get him any kind of professional help. he is completely given up on the idea that he can get help but I really want to help him. Thank you. My friend is extremely suicidal and refuses to take any help,Depression +16026,I have just had a full on sob/scream into pillow sort of morning. I am so low. But what is really getting to me is letting others down. Saying no to friends. Not seeing family. My bfs best friend is getting married in a few weeks. I will not be going. I cannot. And I know that hurts him. Hell be there without someone. How do you cope with these feelings of disappointing others? Especially with no end in sight. Letting others down,Depression +16027,Everything is such a struggle cannot shake myself out this funk am in . Really starting to slip into a deep dark hole again and I do not even know if I want to stop it let alone have the energy to try .. everything sucks I have absolutely no support circle do not want to leave my bed someone help Loosing the will,Depression +16028,"I used to be a good writer and more than capable expressing myself with words, but I have not been able to do that for awhile. SOO I am just writing as I think, I cannot sleep, I have work tomorrow, I feel like shit, and I frankly do not care how jumbled this post will be. I do care a little, I just am do not feel well enough to structure it. That takes a lot of energy, which I do not have. I used to do martial arts and exercise all the time ( but It did not cure my mental illnesses, it basically worked like medication ) dojo in particular made me feel like I was important to them( which I had never felt before in group settings ), but because of Covid and personal issues I was booted out because I left for 3 months. I keep trying to work out again but always fail, I hate when people say just do it WELL I DO AND I cannot FOLLOW THROUGH. ITs so hard to explain that feeling of wanting something so bad but you lack the energy to get it. Anyways Had to get a job after high school so I did not seem like a waste of space. ugh so much to explain I do not care to explain anymore actually anyways I feel like shit and I want to die. I do not usually post or comment on anything in Reddit because well I do not know why. Anyways I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I feel awful. Yet I want to go to the military? It makes me anxious because it feels like that is my only way to survive on my own. I got engaged today to my boyfriend, if I died he would be sad and my rats would have no one to care for them. I am such a selfish person. But yet I want to die? Okay",Suicidal +16029,"To make a long story short, I have become an alcoholic and I am starting to smoke, I am afraid to switch to illegal drugs... If you wanted to know everything look at my profile to see my last post, my friends and including my best friends abandon me because of my addiction ... even virtually where I felt good they start to denigrate me ... I am so fucking tired of all this shit! My life is a fucking endless spiral... I am only 16 years old, I am depressed, my family instead of telling me ""Yeah you are sick"" it is ""Yeah you are just a little sad"", but yes I am a little sad, I made 37 suicide attempts, I have a very heavy treatment, even for an adult, I have two shrinks and two psychiatrists and instead of helping me they yell at me and my bitch of a mother cheats on my father and starts to teach me lessons, my family denigrates me because I am pansexual, my grandfather talks to me about conversion therapy, I am so fucking tired of it, if I do not sleep tonight I will have to pull 3 all-nighters in a row, I am sorry if this post is messy, I am so fucking tired of it, I have reached the point where I cannot remember my problems and my shitty past (by the way, my shrink thinks I am imagining I was raped, and that it is because of my hallucinations, because I am hearing voices telling me to kill myself, and they are my sister's, my brother's, my father's, and most of all, my mother's), I have been drowning in alcohol and I am starting to smoke. I still need help...I am 16 years old and I am starting the addiction",Depression +16030,"Does anyone else feel like they live by counting down the days? How do I get through a lonely weekend? I count down until Monday. How do I get through a bad week? Count until Friday. It started as a coping mechanism for travel anxiety but now I cannot stop counting days until its over. My issue is I am out of things to count to. The weekend is here, so what? I have nothing to do expect be alone. Its the work week now, but who cares? I hate my 70 hour a week job. I am starting to get scared of myself, I have been getting reckless at the end of counts just so I can manufacture something to look forward to (drugs, large impulsive purchases) and I just feel like I am running out of ideas. Counting down the days, until the clock is out.",Depression +16031,"I do not know why but somehow I always fall down again and somehow I always feel dissapointed and defeated, no matter how hard I try or how optimistic I try to be. I cannot seem to find lasting friends or a relationship with someone. I just need someone to talk to and get all of these things off my chest. I do not want to be here anymore. How do I keep my head over water and keep myself from drowning? Dissapointment is all I ever felt.",Depression +16032,But every cell in my Body crys for an end. Tomorrow i have a Internship for a apprenticeship the boss gave me No Feeling that He even wants me Here at the Job Interview I am almost 25 with over 10years of Depression i have not fehlt Shit for so Long i do not even have a Idea how it feels to be healthy. I have friends and Family which i really Love but at this Point I am Just a burdon in everyone and i do not want to be that. I do not know If I am able to do it but i know I am Not able to live I am too much of a coward to do it,Suicidal +16033,"Hello to whom reads this. I havnt left my house for almost a year( other than rare occasion I get a lift to supermarkets & having unstable living situations requiring me to move) and I mean I havnt been able to leave my room for said year, socialize to other in house and have pretty much just slept and ordered food almost every single day. I am on a medical certificate and it gives me the tiny income I am living on ( 240$NZD), it expires end of July. I cannot advocate for my self and am to anxious to goto a new doctor and try get another. I have dropped hints to people close to me asking for help but I havnt had any real help and I will probably be homeless if i cannot sort something out. How do I encourage myself to seek help ): Looking for advice",Depression +16034,I am just so tired of living .it feels like a burden. Having told my partner about me thinking about it and her not caring does help me to realize perhaps it is time to move on. I want to disappear,Suicidal +16035,i miss you every second mom. why did covid take you away from me..... you never wanted to die ma. I am not able to go on anymore without you by my side mom. I tried...tried to move on forward but living in this house without you feels haunted ma. i want to be with you forever. I want to come to you right now ma. I hope you will be there to welcome me with your arms open. fuck covid,Suicidal +16036,there is nothing that can change my mind. I have everything ready. I hate this world so fucking much and I do not want to wait around to see what happens. Goodbye. I am going to kill myself today,Suicidal +16037,I feel like I just have no real friends I am so lonely I want to die. I have hit rock bottom and do not know what to do.,Depression +16038,"There is hopelessness I feel inside, as though I am lost in the desert and have been for decades. Often I find it hard to recall why I am even living. I watch behind my computer screen as people go about their lives, making accomplishments and being social, while I just stay in my room and plot my useless ideas. Mostly I just want it to end. Except I have no way to kill myself and every time I have tried has not worked out? I feel most days that the cosmos is taunting me for something I did wrong, and cannot figure out how to make things better. Pain follows pain. In all, I know that I have no way out except death.Most people think that they know loneliness, but nobody knows it better than me. I have very few friends, most of all people view me as an oddity who they do not want to spend time with. I have no boyfriend or girlfriend and I am basically never going to because I am both autistic and asexual. The solitary life might not be so bad if I did not have this craving for human contact that I have had for years (I am now 22). All I long for is to go out with people but I have no way of meeting them. I was bullied in high school and had to drop out. At university, I could not seem to make any because I was too depressed by various things. Covid did not help. And so I have gotten to a stage where I feel like a complete outsider in society, hating myself and divorced from the norms of everyone else. I have very obscure interests, philosophy and literature, and art and movies. On top of that, I do not have any career both because I find it sustain one and my autism.I am an artist, except what good is that if nobody cares about my art? I have made albums of music that nobody really listened to and I was too depressed to advertise. I have also just finished a novel that nobody is going to read. I thought for the past few years that I could express the unique aspects of how I view the world through art, but I do not think it matters. Nobody is interested in me. I could self-publish my book and then nobody will read it. And so I feel constantly invisible, like a ghost that walks through people embedded in the world. I have been forgotten; I do not belong here; I am just a strange cosmic absurdity.And so what are my options in life, go on every day in perpetual misery and loneliness having had many years of proof that nothing gets better? I have no hope, and I can see myself in 10 years being in the exact same state of misery. I cannot bear the thought of continuing on this road, the endless pain. I may be starting a Ph.D. next year but I do not have the strength to go on like this. My plan is to find a place to drown myself within the next few days A Summary of Why I am Suicidal",Suicidal +16039,"I have dealt with my own mental health issues and SI since my husband and I got together but yesterday his undiagnosed issues and SI came to a head and he is now at the hospital. I have been in inpatient before so in a way he knows what to expect. Please let me know if this sounds selfish, but what do I do now that the shoe is on the other foot? I am trying my hardest not to let this send me down the depression rabbit hole but its very difficult. Any advice on how to help him get through this and get me through this would be very much appreciated. Thanks. How Do I Help My Husband Now That The Shoe Is on the Other Foot?",Suicidal +16040,"I do not know, life is just boring and when not boring aggravating and when not that it is torture. I cannot even think of my self being fifteen because I know I will have done it by then. Is it normal to feel like this even with nothing wrong with me. I am going to be honest I do not really suffer, but i still want to end it",Suicidal +16041,"hurt and broke up with my boyfriend, there is nothing holding me back anymore. I have been wanting to do this for years. I am a horrible person and i deserve to die. I am probably going to run away so it looks like I got kidnapped and killed, hopefully that will make it less painful for my family. I have left everything behind and i have to do it soon",Suicidal +16042,"I recently came to the realization that there are two different people in me. there is one guy that can genuinely make people smile and laugh, make people feel comfortable, heard and important. That guy is kind of awkward and a little nerdy and goofy, but hes earnest and loves to smile and see others smile. That, I have been told, makes me vulnerable and real.Then there is the other guy. Hes dead serious. He does not speak to others and does not want to be spoken to. He waits for those closest to him to hurt him, as has happened in the past. He is immensely lonely and feels like a burden to others. Sometimes, he indulges in alcohol and food to numb the pain of being inside his own head.That second guy has been winning lately. If I could describe my depression, this would be it. It feels like there is someone else inside of me, and I know that it is not who I truly am. I feel like a burden on my SO, and while I love her, I am too hurt by life and loved ones to expect her to always be there for me.It sucks. I know that treating depression involves recognizing these sorts of things, but I still feel like living with it is an unbearable cross to bear sometimes. I feel like I am losing my smile",Depression +16043,"Everybody is telling me that. And there is no way I can improve a single thing in my life.I am very sorry for having done all the atrocities, having conceived children being the worst.At least I should let have them choose a better father figure. I am not the one. Never have been. Rather no father than bad father",Suicidal +16044,"I am luckier than most, which is why I feel selfish. My home life fucking sucks, but its not the worst, and I have people who I know would be upset if I left. My little sister just slid a note under my door. Were not close, but it fucking broke my heart. I was being screamed at by my parents again about how stupid and useless I am and she had to sit there and listen to the whole thing. The note says I love you, and I am sorry I did not do something. Its her birthday on Wednesday. I want to leave so fucking badly but I do not want to ruin her special day. she is only turning 11, and I do not want to fuck her up for the rest of her life bc I was too selfish to stick around. I was going to kill myself on her last birthday, but did not end up trying for the same reason. I know my friends would miss me as well, and my boyfriend. I do not want to make anyone upset but I cannot keep doing this. I have no escape. I know I am going to kill myself eventually, I have known since I was my sisters age that I am going to, but I have just been too much of a pussy to actually do something about it and end my own suffering. I just do not see the point anymore. Life is a fucking meaningless cycle of pain and misery and I am so resentful to my parents for bringing me here and treating me like this, only to force me into a life I never asked for or wanted. I am so, so tired... I know people would miss me but I am just so tired.",Suicidal +16045,"Well shit, good for fucking you When your crush literally posts not virgin on her story",Depression +16046,"I do not know what to do anymore.My suicide date was supposed to be July 14. What stopped me from walking into that room and pulling the trigger? Absolutely nothing. So why did not I? I have torn myself apart trying to find the reason why, but I do not know. I just self-harmed 40ish minutes ago, and for what? The only result I get from it is ugly marks and having to waste my time stopping the bleeding because I do not have any bandages, even though my mom is a nurse and bandages are so accessible?I am supposed to go to the beach on Tuesday, and I am terrified. I have scars on my leg and my entire family will see. Ill probably get into another argument with my mom. Its not like she cares, anyways. My family does not care about me at all, my friends hate me, I cannot control my emotions, everything is so difficult. And for what? Why cannot everything be easier? Why does the world have to be so toxic?I am sorry for my rant, I just do not know what to do. I just wish things would end. I want to end it. Please. Its getting worse.",Suicidal +16047,"I am a very bad person I have done so much bad things in my past enough for at least like half of the world to hate me, then i promised myself to never mess up again and i still did it, for some reason i thought i was doing the right thing but then later realised i was doing something bad there is no forgiveness for me I am fucked up I am only 14 how did I already ruin everything i deserve to die i know it would make everything better but I am a coward why do good people always die and go through bad things instead of people like me I deserve death",Suicidal +16048,"My life sucks. And I mean it really sucks. I have been hating my life since i was 8. At no point has it ever looked up (until now but that is complicated) I am forcing myself to make friends. And I am getting emotionally attached to this girl. My significant other kind of blows me off frequently. I am falling for this girl. I do not think it will ever happen but we are incredibly close. She did start crushing on my friend though. I have spend hours every day talking with her. I genuinely hated being alone. I am glad I have her as a friend. 7-8yo - sexually abused (Start to identify as trans, but its a little early, so its not as acceptible so i have to hide it) in and out of fostercare for a few years. Complex mental health issues had already started. 15yo, used by a 25yo. Things get really bad. 23yo I continue the cycle that happened to me at 15. get busted. Spend a year in prison, 3 years on probation. 29yo now. All I have are my friends, and I am positive they will just abandon me as per usual. Still dysphoric as hell. High double digit suicide attempts. 10 or so ICU visits. let us just say its complicated. I want to self harm, I have all these feelings I am incapable of dealing with. I fell for a girl I should not have. I do not cheat. But I cannot control my heart or my emotions. I feel a natural chemistry. its possible that my romantic feelings are just misattribution since I am unused to any affection, intimacy, anyone caring etc, you get the point. So, I will just assume the feelings are real. I have the feeling that shits going to blow up soon. Why does she have to like my friend. We met her at the same time. This is the first person who I have told most of my story to. She did not pull away. I am lost, self harm could help me find my way. Clarity is always higher after the suicide attempt (would be nice if I would stop failing.) Afterwards everything is simpler for months after. I am grey like a walking zombie. I have been ready to die most of my life. I just do not know what to do. what is the point.",Suicidal +16049,I keep smoking weed to stop thinking but now I cannot feel emotions. and they deserve love but I cannot love anymore I feel bad for my significant other,Depression +16050,i have no one....someone please reach out ....I am tryna not kill myself every sec i am soooo suicidal,Suicidal +16051,"Last night I had a really fun party with friends and I was actually really happy, but this morning after the party my mom picked me up and on the ride home she told me that my dad had packed all his clothes, electronics, our music instruments, and his bike and he fucking left us.He even emptied all his crypto valuta into a separate bank account and deleted his account from the home laptop. When I got home just a while ago I could not bear to look at the empty places where stuff used yo be just yesterday. And I am really scared we cannot make it with money with my mom's parttime job since my older sibling is going to university and needs to buy a lot and my younger brother eats a lot so money's going to be really tight. I have been struggling with depressing, selfharm and suicidality that got worse in the past year, but right now I have really hit rock bottom and I just want to die so bad because apparantly not even my own dad wants me. I really just do not see a reason to live anymore...",Suicidal +16052,"It was over something completely benign and I guess I was too scared to actually take enough to kill myself. So now I have ruined a friendship, I have fucked up my whole weekend because I physically and mentally feel awful and I just want to hide away and never look the people in the eye again who I scared with this shit. I guess I just do things for attention now. Part of me wishes I would gone through with it but most of me is glad I do not have to painfully die? Like would have been a pretty random and stupid end to my life. I tried to take a bunch of paracetamol last night",Suicidal +16053,"Idk if it is just me but all my life I felt like there was something wrong with me, like there is something missing or that there is like a error in my brain that keeps me in a very bad place all the time I try to be happy. there is an error in my brain",Suicidal +16054,"This was about 4 years ago but I still think about it today. This is when I first started getting really depressed and was bad at hiding it. My mum has been through a lot in her life and it lead her to being severely depressed and mentally unstable. Stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time I do not know what her intention was with this comment, as if I had just stubbed my toe and she was tired of me complaining, but it lead to more then a little damage. Denial of my emotions, self hatred, ashamed of what I think and resentment of my own flawed mind. Also the implication I am the only one that feels bad from this pain, she does not feel a morsel of sadness her child is going through the pain she herself has felt. that is the thing though, she does not think I am in that much pain, I cannot feel even close to the pain she has felt because her life is one big endless bout of disappointment and even if I have had told her I had more similar experiences then knew, I know she would still think I am in less pain because that is just how her brain works. My mum told me to stop feeling sorry for myself",Depression +16055,"I frequently ghost all my friends and come back out of nowhere but its different right now. I want to ghost them and never keep in touch again. I think this is because of my depression and social anxiety (although I could never tell because I am not diagnosed). I feel a burden to them, like they would be better without me from their group. I feel like I always bother them and I always act weird. I feel like I am a fake person when I am with them because I am lifeless and I pretend every time that I am okay when I am not. do not get me wrong, they are not toxic and they are really the best friends one could ever ask for but I just feel like they do not deserve to be with someone like me. Everyday I find myself being buried deeper and deeper into isolation and I push everyone away. I do not know what to do.... help. My depression is becoming worse that everyday my mind is always filled with suicidal thoughts. I do not want to exist anymore. I want to ghost all my friends and never show myself again",Depression +16056,Took too much antidepressants in quarantine today. Its not working. I am in so much pain. I cannot take this anymore. I want to die.,Suicidal +16057,"Please I just want to be able to accept the simple and good parts of my life as simple and good, I want to enjoy them. they are so rare and I just want to accept that they are real and not going anywhere. I just want to be able to accept that I have people in my life who love me",Depression +16058,you are the rock that showed no emotions. you are the rock that is there to comfort the ones showing emotion while you remain emotionless to support them.you are the rock that shows emotions when no one else is around.you are the rock that no one understands when you just go with flow to avoid any type of confrontation. you are the rock when you are only truly happy alone with no one/nothing else to worry about. you are the rock when you know its time when everyone is there who does not understand you and you are ready to break on the spot but you will not due to fear of someone seeing you.Its hard and it only will be but you keep pushing.I will not preach and say it will get better but the only one to find out and try to is you.Kept trucking through and only think how you can benefit yourself. Its hard being the rock.,Suicidal +16059,"I did some reading and I found that 20-40mg/kg is lethal although I am not entirely sure. I am planning to take like 400-600 capsules (10,000mg - 15,000mg) and mix it with alcohol. Does anyone know other OTC medicines that can.. you know..I tried to OD on my antidepressants about a year ago but it was not enough. Benadryl",Suicidal +16060,"2 years ago I tried to suicide, for like 4 times due to my mental health issues. Now for the last 2/3 months I have been going through a bad time and suicidal thoughts started to come up to my head. All this things came up to my head just because I start to think I am a burden for everyone and I will never find the love of my life or I will never be successful in my life.I would like to make disappear this stupid things from my head but it always difficult, mostly because I do not know if I could really kill myself. I feel like I am a burden for everyone and I do not know if one day I will suicide",Suicidal +16061,"Bear with me please, this may be extremely lengthy but I will encourage you to at least read, some of the information in this may be helpful to you.&#x200B; Also as a note, there is going to be a lot of technical talk here. Please do not be dismayed by this, it is an info Dump just fair warning.&#x200B;First of all, welcome and thank you for taking the time to read this. Given the subreddit I am posting this on, chances are that this information may be of some benefit to you.&#x200B;I am an observer, not in a solely perceptual context but I see, for lack of a better term, everything. I am kind of monster in that sense. I am not like other human beings and to address that statement, I give you my own personal theory on the 4 main aspects that you humans associate with being human or at least how almost every society would like to be seen. I give you, The 4 Core Personality.&#x200B;\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_&#x200B;let us start with the basics. What are these 4 cores and how do they pertain to personality?&#x200B;The 4 cores are; differentiation, extravertedness, conscientiousness, and an overall positive disposition. &#x200B;How are these 4 aspects incorporated into our understanding of personality?&#x200B;These 4 aspects give people a general overview of who you are and how you react in a given context. Say you are a natural introvert, that plays into how you are perceived by others. Some may see you as distant, closed off or uninterested. This feeds into how they interact with you, just as an example. There are countless ways this construct comes into play on a daily basis, in every interaction you have with someone else and in some cases even within yourself. &#x200B;By creating this construct, there is a natural field of exclusion. Granted, societies generally try to keep this umbrella as open as possible, within a given measure. Which leads to outliers, people who are naturally not built within that frame or for those of us who have had that aspect stolen away via actions of others, trauma.&#x200B;\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_&#x200B;let us dive a bit deeper into these 4 cores and what they actually mean, what branches they build and how psychology aims to utilize these things to help the outliers who seek assistance. &#x200B;Starting with differentiation, this measures our ability to regulate our emotions, particularly in events of high stress. In short, it is your ability to keep undesirable emotions from being expressed and working those issues out within yourself. &#x200B;To give you an example, you might think of a person going through the cash register line at your local supermarket. At the finalization of the transaction, the person offers several coupons but those coupons are mostly expired. &#x200B;Are you the kind of person to:&#x200B;A: chalk it up as a loss and just pay&#x200B;B: require a manager come for the purposes of clarification &#x200B;C: completely lose your mind, throwing the items off the belt and at the cashier as well as other customers &#x200B;If you picked C, CONGRATULATIONS!! You just won the grand prize, take it away Johnny!&#x200B;you will be enjoying your stay at a luxurious jail cell, a room with a view! And if that is not enough, you get an all paid trip to your destination!&#x200B;Thanks Johnny. &#x200B;Although, emotional interaction is a bit more complex than that. Sometimes it is more about your ability to control undesirable emotions in certain situations. A couple examples I can give you would include; laughing at a funeral, falling in love at first sight, getting frustrated when the waiter forgets your water. Things of this nature.&#x200B;Society does not ask that you NOT feel these things. It asks, quite simply, that you do not act on those emotions. How you work out those emotions is of no regard to society, it does not care how you deal, so long that you DO deal.&#x200B;Next up, we have extravertedness which is your ability to maintain several connections with others, your ability to enjoy the company of several others (being in a large group or ""herd""), your ability to rely upon others as well as your ability to allow others to rely upon you.&#x200B;For this example, we will turn to Susan. Susan is a bit of a homebody and prefers to be at home reading books. However, her new friend is more extraverted and wants to invite Susan to her cousin's wedding this next Thursday. What should Susan do?&#x200B;A: begrudgingly go to the wedding and hold the action over her friend's head in the future&#x200B;B: Suck it up and go attend the wedding and try to have fun&#x200B;C: Say she will have a migraine that day and cannot go&#x200B;If you picked B, congratulations!! you have made the right call. This demonstration of willingness to interact just made a wonderful impression on your new friend and now you have got a trauma bond to boot because her sister got too plastered and was puking her guts out and you were there, helping your friend to help her sister into the bathroom stall. You now have a friend for life so long as nothing catastrophic occurs between the two of you. &#x200B;Next on the chopping block is conscientiousness. This is the measure of your ability to provide kindness, compassion, sympathy and empathy. Your ability to foster a connection with someone and help that connection grow, helping those around you to grow as well as continuing to grow yourself. &#x200B;For this example we turn to our announcer, Johhny who is one of the most conscientious people I have known in my life (Legal disclaimer: Johnny is not a real person, this is a fictional character. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is not intended).&#x200B;Johnny is at home, working on the truck when a buddy calls him. His buddy is an alcoholic and is calling because he just slipped and got drunk. What should Johnny do?&#x200B;A: \*hangs up phone\* not my damn problem &#x200B;&#x200B;B: oh man, what happened? Where are you so we can get a cab for you&#x200B;C: I am sorry man, where are you at? I will come pick you up.&#x200B;If you picked A, CONGRATULATIONS!! Your friend was just pronounced dead after stumbling into oncoming traffic because he thought he saw a silver dollar in the middle of the street.&#x200B;And now we come to the final round of our show, this is it. Winner takes all. The ability to believe in the overall good.&#x200B;This is a measure of how you see others. Are you able to trust others to be as considerate, conscientious and reliable as yourself? &#x200B;For this example, we will turn to Betty. Betty has always struggled with believing other people are genuinely good due to several traumatic experiences through her life. Though she is trying to get better through therapy. One day, her therapist says something that does not quite sit right with Betty's morals, what should Betty do?&#x200B;A: discuss this discomfort in more detail and clarify how it effects her view of her therapist &#x200B;B: immediately and abruptly get out of her chair and exit the room screaming ""you are the f###ing DEVIL!!""&#x200B;C: keep her feelings to herself and hold onto that resentment &#x200B;If you chose A, congratulations! you have made the right call. Sometimes it is hard to believe other people are genuinely good but the true societal test is in being able to establish reason and context as to why you do not trust people but still have the desire to in order to improve your life and the connections you establish. &#x200B;Well thank you for tuning in today, I am your host, the abyss, saying have a wonderful day out there and you are beautiful!&#x200B;\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_&#x200B;Now that you have an understanding of what I am talking about, here is my dilemma. I see you, I know what is expected of me. But people keep insisting that I be authentic. Be true to myself. &#x200B;What if I cannot do both of these things simultaneously? What if I have to choose one way or another? would not it just be more beneficial to just obey the rules and hope that one day I will believe it through social reinforcement? Or do I keep being who I actually am? This observer, forsaken from society. All alone and cold, only able to see the wonders and treasures of humanity. Never to actually take part in those things.&#x200B;This creates a major dilemma inside me. it is not bad enough that I am severely depressed, that I feel utterly worthless, that I have only a few strands of hope left to hold onto. It was not bad enough, I had to know in great detail the reasons why I am not like the rest of you. Why I am a monster. &#x200B;But in that knowledge, i also know exactly how to be one of you. But i have to sacrifice my own comfort in this eternal cell to do so. I have to sacrifice myself to become one of you. I cannot keep being pinocchio, nobody wants a hollowed out puppet. I have to be a real boy if I want for real people to accept me.&#x200B;That is my dilemma and I know I am the only one who can make that decision. But what would you do? I have a Dilemma (4 core personality)",Depression +16062,Some time ago I lost my whole motivation.I really want to achieve my goals but they seem impossible to do so.They are important because they would be my source of income.It would be easier to stab myself and not to worry about them. I do not have a motivation for my life goals.,Suicidal +16063,"My head is killing me. I have two emotions, sadness and anger. If I do not feel sad and angry I feel empty. I remember once when I felt something different, I am not even sure what it was but it was so weird and strange, it did not last long though. I do not know why my emotions are like this, right now I am sad. I do remember having happy moments in my life but I just cannot feel that emotion anymore. I am so confused all the time about what is wrong with me. I wish dying was fucking easier. I want to go so bad",Suicidal +16064,"i do not know why but i am constantly having depressing episodes during summer and this year's episode is so scary, i am so depressed that i started hallucinating dark stuff, it too hot to bear life in my city, i seriously hate existing, and yes to that point i hate summer. Summer depression is eating me out Alive",Depression +16065,One of my friends said something dumb to my other friends who has a history of sh and I am afraid she might relapse. I actively sh myself so anything I say will be hypocritical. I am not ready to tell someone about how I am feeling so I really do not know what to tell her How do I comfort a suicidal friend when I am suicidal,Suicidal +16066,"Hi, I want to preface this by sayimg I have not been active in this community, for reasons. But I just wanted to share this today.I cleaned my room yesterday, not completely though, but enough to give me a bosst to finish it.More importantly tho, I cleaned my bed.I have not slept in ot for almost half a year and half a year in like a fourth of my bed.Well now I had my first skepp in a clean bed, all to myself. And I woke up, and I have not felt this good in a while.So bottom line is, that a good nights sleep can change a lot. Sleeping in a bed",Depression +16067,My life needs to end.I am gonastopeating now completely Hate my life,Depression +16068,"""Look at that poor homeless lonely man sleeping in the streets, he really do has real reasons to be mad and unhappy with life. Unlike you, Jared, who has had a great childhood and a pair of great parents who have cared about you and are still supporting you so you can be someone in life and a good contribution to society.""Someone told me this last day. I do not know you all but for me, at least, the fact I am not in a situation as bad as the one other people is having does not give less significance to my reasons of why I would like to kill myself. Just because I have not come to a worse scenario from the one I already am, does not mean anything to me (talking from my suicidal point of view). I am tired of being said: ""Why would you, someone who have had a great life and can be a successful person, chooses to run from it and kill yourself?""",Suicidal +16069,Its the weekend and everyone celebrating tonight only I got home from tiring long hours work ready tosleep but the people downstairs have to make money and celebrate so they have this festival outside my room. Loud booming sounds and I cannot sleep giving me migraine lies lies lies the fucking complex lease I signed told me not till many months it will be festival. Damn right not but it means it will be 20 times worse that this.As I sat in the toilet feeling defeated. I got too depressed and just began crying how I hated people and the way they inconvenience me and yet I equally hate myself more that I want the butcher to use the cow gun directly in my forehead. Why do I even matters.I hate myself so much and I am too old and tired I am too afraid to die yet when I think of it I have no life. My life has no meaning. I having nothing to live for day by day by day I routinely do the chores repeatedly and I just want the day to end and then have to do it over again but for what.I do not have family at my age I am too old and I am even infertile soon or now.I am never going to be normal I was never normal.I was brought to the us illegally and that fucked up my life over and over. I have so many problems in high school but because I am illegal I cannot tell the reason for my problems.Because well get deported. I am now a us citizen but fuck it all. My life has not changed one bit. In fact its too late now all my hopes and dreams.I should have just drank the bleach and let them euthanized me. The nurse almost killed me before too much anesthesia I could not breathe I should have just let it all in and die.I should have just died. I do not know what is the point of my existence.I love someone who cannot love me.She is the only reason and she does not even know my existence.I do not know I really do not knowIm so stuck in the mud.I say I do not wait for storm to pass. I wait for the storm in this sinking boat to take me with it.Fuck me for being a failure.I wish all these are just nightmares and when I wake up I am already dead. Its just me,Suicidal +16070,"I miss home so much, I miss being an individual so much, I miss being understood by people. I really should not have made this decision but I was told this was the only option I had. I may have been 18 and capable of signing legal documents, but at the same time I feel like I was cheated out of my life and my innocence. All I want to do is choke myself, just like the suffocation and isolation I feel right now Suffocating",Depression +16071,I cannot cum anymore and I am never hungry. Are those side effects inevitable or should i find new meds. (even though my doctor said those specific meds should be the best for me) Should i change my antidepressants?,Depression +16072,I am not saying I am depressed but life has been rough. I am blessed to be able to have a roof over my head and all that its just nothing ever seems to go my way. I have a problem with catching feeling way too fast then getting hurt in the end and all of my relationships (with friends) in general just seem to fall apart. I kind of think that it may actually be me but I do not even know what I am doing wrong and its not like any of those people would tell me. I guess I am just trying to better myself but I do not know how or where to start. Pls help,Depression +16073,"Last month in June I was feeling depressed and had suicidal thoughts, and I have had those thoughts and feelings since I can recall, maybe the last five months but more noticeably, the last three. This month, I have been browsing the internet for things to buy, things that can help fill up the book cases I was gifted on my birthday. The point is that this past month I have been buying things, and getting attached to things that I have not yet bought. Since I have the money I have seen it as an easy thing to do. The thing is, I have noticed that ever since I started buying things I have not had any suicidal thoughts. Which I see as a good thing? I am happy?I find it insane how its also all I can think about, I spent days just looking up things to buy. Two days ago I really wanted to buy something worth over 140 dollars, my mom said no, not knowing I had spent 200 dollars prior. Ever since then I have been waiting it out, wanting so badly to buy more things. And things I want to buy are useless and are only for display, besides some books. And in reality I know deep down that I should not be buying these things? I hate falling into consumerism and basically just numbing myself with all this. I do not see it as an addiction but more of an escape. I might be delusional and maybe I was never depressed, but if these suicidal thoughts come back what do I do then? Am I depressed?",Depression +16074,And depressed in my late 20sNo one cares for meI can never make ftiends I am so lonley lgbt,Depression +16075,it is 5am... no reason to get up before noon. No job. Need one but do not want one. Almost 23 years old. Still a virgin and have never been in a relationship. Came close a few times but got used and thrown away. Hate my hometown and want to move and start a new life. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. Lost passion for most of my hobbies outside of video games. do not really have friends. Comically dry phone. Tried talking to an old friend that I am mildly in love with and she could not be bothered. Why bother. I would like to die,Suicidal +16076,"I have escaped home because I was beaten up by my mom and brother, I have no where to go, there are no suicide hotline in my country. No support. No family. I can either kill myself or risk whatever is going to happen to me by night. I honestly do not know what to do at this point",Suicidal +16077,"I do not feel like I have felt true happiness for a very long time. Sure, I can distract myself with friends and books or shows, maybe get a laugh or two but as soon as I have time alone to truly just think, I realize how miserable I am or how I had put on a face the entire time I was with other people. And when I am not sad, I am just completely numb. I am always either numb or sad",Depression +16078,"So I am basically in recovery from depression and other, But Idk man I did not have a good night last night. I am very supported rn by my parents and Theropist but I feel so so so stupid for SH yesterday because it was pretty serious. I have not done it that bad in years and I want to go to the doctors to get it seen to but I am terrified of hospitals because I have a lot of trauma from being locked against my will in a ward for 6 months a couple years ago. I am feeling very very emotional, not at risk I promise, just emotional. I really think I should not drink because it makes me do dumb stuff. I guess I need to be kinder to myself I am trying to think of this whole incident as something that does not take away from all the progress I have made. I am feeling very squeamish and sick at myself. I really hope I am not violating any guidelines by taking about this. Um I guess I want to let people know that recovery is not easy and sometimes stuff happens but do not let it take from you. Oh and I am really not validating anything or trying to take away from how serious SH is. To me its a addiction that I thought I got over just relapsed last night. I am worrying that I am going to stay in bed this week I need to get up. Be kind to myself! I must be kind to myself! Um hi guys I really need to vent",Depression +16079,"I wish I was not born human, but rather an animal.Animals do not have to pay bills or slave their life just to gather enough money to retire and travel. Animals are not stressed about payments. They are free to explore and live as they please. Yeah they have predators but I would still rather fear that then my future of my mundane life.Not only that but screw people. When a bear or tiger sees you, you know it is intentions; It wants to eat you. When you see a deer, you know it wants nothing to do with you. With people you never know their true intentions. People are more cruel then animals. Yes there are a few good people in this world but it is the equivalent of swimming in poop while rarely finding a diamond.Animals also usually do not experience anxiety or depression. Most cases of them having those illnesses is because of being in captivity by humans. I wish I was not born human.",Depression +16080,"My head hurts and yet I am still on my phone, awake. I can only sleep if I am dead tired. Everything hurts but it is the only way I can get sleep. Sleep schedule is fucked it is 11 am right now, at this point I accepted that this is a part of me, it is an endless suffering Staying awake til exhaustion",Depression +16081,I am so exhausted. I get no sleep. I just want to rest forever. I do not want to wake up anymore,Suicidal +16082,I am done. i genuinly feel like my life is finished. I have tried living but its just too hard. I am so ready to kill myself,Suicidal +16083,"My mood swings affect me so much. I would not say i fluctuate between happy and depressed, but rather neutral calm and suicidal anxiety. It seems weird to even put it that way considering I used to be incredibly hyperactive. But nowadays, perhaps due to the landscape of covid19 and the incompetent handling of the situation by the Government, adding on to the fact i have nothing going on much in my life (which i may stress may be due to the lack of motivation from these mood fluctuations too). I know it is not good to put the blame on your mental health but it does have a part to play. Currently i am seeking mental health treatment in my school counselling program, with an upcoming one this Wednesday. These depressed feelings usually hit when i am alone or at home. I do not particularly enjoy being at home. Coping slowly",Depression +16084,"I am showing all the signs of how fucking depressed I am. I barely talk, I am always in my room, I never want to do anything, I always look sad, I have scars on my arms... What do I need to fucking do? I tried to tell them but they did not think it was anything serious and tried to forget about it. I feel like I need to try to overdose for them to finally care. I hate this. Anyone got any tips? How do my parents not get it?",Suicidal +16085,"Is it weird that music stops me from ending it all? it is the only thing that still keeps me here. Even though in the end it is really pointless. I have been a singer, songwriter for 8 years and it is the only thing keeping me alive, besides my dad. Even so, I am not happy. I was, but my world came crashing down this year, hard as fuck. My mother died, and my girlfriend of 4+ years left me within the span of one week. LOL life is a sick joke. I still have not decided whether or not I am going to stay here or not it depends on multiple things. To be honest, I am just tired. I wonder if there is a God looking down upon me? I wonder if he hears my prayers? I only have so little left to hold onto. Music keeps me from ending it all",Suicidal +16086,"I feel like I do not know what to do next. I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, and I have for a while but for some reason it is just... Horrible this week. I do not have the best past and to this day I do not exactly think I am a good person. I used to be aggressive and I did not care about a lot of stuff and I would hurt people physically. I am not like that now but I find myself.... Slipping into the old meI was on a walk with my roommates about 2 days ago and I was just talking about science because I thought it was cool, but I guess for some reason she was telling me that it is not true and that it is a theory and stuff. I do not want to call her stupid or anything, but she has a disorder where her mental age is that of a kid. So she likes to act smart even if there is proof that it is right and she is wrong. it is her own thing I guess.But anyway I... Slipped into my old self.... I started being a dick and going out of my way to prove her wrong... And it... eventually hit me... And I have not talked much in two daysFriday morning (I think) I was up early (1:00ish) and I went to a bridge... I stood there for about 30 minutes... thoughts rushing though my head. Then I went home at like 3:00 since I have not been able to sleep. So I decided to wake my roommates (her and her boyfriend) and I opened up... And that is something I never did. I told them everything that was going on, about who I used to be... And the part that echos through my head... Is when she said something and the way my mind saw it was like... Kind of pitty in a way... And I got furious... I grabbed my shoes and I threw them against the wall. Then I stopped myself...I eventually went back to sleep... And I ended up crying a good portion of the day. I think my roommates thought I was asleep because they never checked on me. I eventually did fall asleep. Then I woke up around 8:00 and I went to find them. Maybe they were doing something. They were outside walking around playing Pokemon Go.I walked with them and I made some comments that... Old me would say... So I shut up... That was around 11:00 and it is now 3:00 for me... And I keep having that rushing thoughtIf I kill myself who would care? I feel like I do not want to live with guilt and PTSD for things I have done... I keep thinking... I have a plan and stuff to... I... do not know what is stopping me.... that is the odd part... I do not have biological parents I know, I only have adopted parents, who do not really care. My mom says ""if you kill yourself, we will be sad but we will not be broken"" and that hurtsI've eventually come to the conclusion that I do not like my roommate because she reminds me of a lot of things that... Old me did....I do not want to be here... I feel like no one loves me and no one cares about anything I do... I feel like.... I am here... Suffering I do not want to be here and it is getting worse",Suicidal +16087,i feel so detached from everything. like idk how to describe it but just like everything is so like fake. i feel like I am in a dream,Depression +16088,I first picked up a camera when I was in middle school.. I would take it everywhere I went..Now I am 27 years old living in Baltimore Maryland and I think I have lost just about every piece of myself. Once you learn about what this place really is... makes me wonder how other humans before me were able to make a life here. Sometimes I really do believe all of this is not real because most things here do not make sense. You mean to tell me we are an advanced species yet we still get pissy over people who look different from us? Hell half of us do not believe in climate change because we all said FUCK IT! to science... half of us have no empathy and could care less about homeless people. I have more reasons to kill myself than stay on this dying planet with nasty people. Luckily I have a lung disease that is going to kill me but I am not sure when... if something does not change soon I think I have to leave early... this place is a nightmare. Used to be a photographer,Suicidal +16089,"To be honest i do not know why I am writing right now.I lost my job back in May.I am back at my mom's house. honestly just sneaking alcohol and drinking till I want to puke then just sleep so I do not have to think about anything.Being sober is a nightmare for me always has been, even back when I was 15 when i did not know what being drunk or high felt like.Always sad, Always daydreaming about a better future, with money, with the person I love. &#x200B;I lost my job because I got drunk with the intent of killing myself. Had a bike back then, so I tried to start it for a long time (do not really know how much) until a police truck came by and saw me crying trying to turn on the bike. Cop knew me (Small town, big pothead) and pressured me until i gave up my family's info.Shit has been downhill from then. cannot even wake up before 2PM, rooms a mess (some days i clean it but it always come back to the nest). Craving for some THC but cannot bc brother promised me a job at a really good company as long as i can pass the anti-doping. cannot bring myself to go look for a job in my hometown. Just want to lay and be still for hours at end. Want money cannot job, basically.I do not know what to do. Sometime when I first arrived back, in a moment of sincerity, told my mom and sister that I was just waiting for my mom to die so I could kill myself. Honestly apart from her and the girl I still love i would have done it without second thought long ago.I do not know what to do, I need help but I do not have money to seek a proper physician.AAA is mostly god and stuff so they told me if I do not accept that I cannot be better (atheist here, sorry).Family cannot relate, nor help.I just need a job, I have searched far and wide but I just do not know what is stopping me, maybe just seeing it as delaying the inevitable.Honestly I just want to sleep forever. Please do not refer me to r/SuicideWatch I have been there before and I will go there when i need it. Just really want some direction in life because I do not know where to go.Sorry to bother you guys, if you see someone who needs your advice more than me I encourage you to comment there, who knows, maybe they are really needed in the grand scheme of things.And thank you for reading. Hey guys, I am sorry I am drunk again",Depression +16090,"I saw a documentary about some business man who was like 55 years old. He was super successful. In his office he has a treadmill and a cross trainer. He said he needed to workout because he had so much energy. He literally had to burn it off. I have not had even an ounce of motivation my whole life!I could sit and watch TV all day, then sleep 12 hours straight, and do the same every day. I have a to-do list app on my phone with 50 things on it. I am lucky if I get one thing done in a day. Bearing in mind that the jobs on the list are: Take letter to post box. Trim beard. ..The context is I have suffered from depression all my adult life for a reason I have only just discovered. I was undiagnosed for other mental illnesses which I never got medication or treatment for. Ashamed of lack of motivation",Depression +16091,"i self harm and i know its bad, I am going to therapy and trying to stop myself from doing it, but i have to hide it from my parents because they said they would kick me out if they see me self harm again. i do not want to risk infecting my wounds by using concealer straight away, i have no clue how to clean my wounds and take care of them but I have realised i probably should because my scarring is horrible due to infected cuts, how do i take care of them? I am sorry if this seems dumb I am just trying to be safer, or as safe as i can be anyways how do i cover up fresh cuts?",Suicidal +16092,"I have tried so hard to do better and to get better. In the past year I have gone on meds, gone to therapy, ended relationships that were not good for me, met new people and made new relationships, worked and become self-reliant, done well in college and made new goals for myself. All to end up alone, unemployed, possibly homeless soon, and unsure of just what the fuck I am living for. All I really know right now is that I get happiness and a sense of purpose from helping and taking care of others, but those I try to do that with just end up needing space as soon as my mental state gets too bad for me to be able to do that anymore. Instead I just get told that I am too much to deal with but you can do it and do not be afraid to ask others for help!! Its so hard to see a reason to continue when despite trying to improve my life it just ends up getting worse. Just posting here since I have no one to go to",Suicidal +16093,"it is not that I never feel any excitement or emotions. I can get excited about a new game, tear up for a sad movie, laugh at a joke, and even smile when something good is happening. it is just, these feelings, these emotions, they come as suddenly as they disappear. Because these feelings fade away so quickly, I often find myself seeking out new material to stimulate my emotions, be it a good book, a new game, or a sad movie. But it really sucks, because even when I am doing this, I easily lose interest, and end up having to start something new way before I even come close to finishing what I just started. Yet despite this, I cannot stop, because if I do not do this, I feel like I am simply just breathing and not actually living. I am always overwhelmed by boredom and fatigue, but even more than that, I just feel so very empty all the time. Its as if there is a large gaping hole at the bottom of my heart, no matter how much I fill it up, everything just falls right out and once again, it is empty again. The excitement fades too quickly",Depression +16094,"I feel like I have tried every medication over the years. I was on Zoloft for a literal decade and have only just weaned off it and went onto Wellbutrin. I am also on Lamictal to stabilize my moods. However the Wellbutrin, while it gives me energy is making me extremely short tempered and aggravated. I am going to talk to my psychiatrist in a couple days about adjusting my meds and might ask about a low dose of Zoloft along with the Wellbutrin, but I just really do not want to be on three different mood meds at the same time. Has anyone been in this situation- suggestions? Medication questions",Depression +16095,I am alone. I am lost. I am confused. But most of all I am feeling sad. I feel no purpose in life. It is a burden to wake up everyday and be here. I want to go. I need help,Depression +16096,I feel like I need to be watched 24/7 or something. Terrified to go to sleep or even be alone I am in desperate need of mental health care,Depression +16097,"I had rough couple of years. After my grandmother died, my mother kind of had a mental break and her abuse escalated. It was terrible for years, constant yelled and violence. My grandfather started drinking and fell deep in alcoholism. There was a lot of violence and drinking going on for a long time. We had no money. I lost all my friends. We eventually got kicked out and had to move. A year or so ago, we almost got evicted. It was the worse time of my life. Today, everything is... okay, but I have lost all sense of self. I graduated a month or so ago. I got a job. I am going to college in a month. My mother's on meds, she is calmed down. But something within me is wrong, everyday I think about killing myself. it is not even a choice at this point, the thoughts just come to me. I think I am lonely. I could not sleep for awhile, the thoughts just creeped in. My new job has me nannying for a week at a time, I sleep there the entire week and come back to my mother's house for the weekend. I have been back one day and I am already going mad. While I was at work, I only felt this way once or twice just for the first day or so. I do not know why I feel this way when everything I have cried my self to sleep over as come. For the first time a long time I am okay, but I still want to just lay down and go away. I think about what I would write, if I would write anything. How they will find my body. Whether or not, my Grandfather will remember me. What questions the kids I work with will ask. I imagine myself as a memory. Thoughts of me hurting myself just flood in. I used to be someone. I was so strong, I knew what I wanted. I had hope, but now my hope has gone. I do not know who I am anymore, I do not recognize the person in the mirror. This is the best my life has been in years, but I cannot help but want to end it all.",Suicidal +16098,"On July 2 I had my first hosted birthday since maybe the age of 6 or 8. I was gifted 700 dollars worth of money and two book cases. I felt awful accepting all the money but deep down I really wanted it. The reason being I wanted to spend it all on pretty things.This past month of July I have been browsing at things to buy online, things that can help fill up the book cases. But before July, June, I was feeling depressed and had suicidal thoughts, and I have had those thoughts and feelings since I can recall, maybe the last five months but more noticeably, the last three. Anyway, the point is that this past month I have been buying things, getting attached to thing that I have not yet bought, only to want to buy them. Since I have the money I have seen it as an easy thing to do. The problem is that I have noticed that ever since I started buying things I have not had any suicidal thoughts. Which I see as a good thing? I am happy?I find it fucked up how buying things is all I can think about, just the other day I watched the mailman get off and on the truck and drive away just to grab the box they left. Its like my life revolves around it. Two days ago i really wanted to buy things worth over 140 dollars, my mom said no, not knowing I had spent 200 dollars prior. She said that I should be spending the money on clothes and stuff that I need. Ever since then I have been sulking about it, wanting so badly to buy more things. And things I want to buy are useless and are only for display purposes besides some books. I tell myself that its my birthday money, and that I can help myself with spending it on whatever I want. And in reality I know deep down that I should not be buying these things? I hate falling for consumerism and basically numbing myself with all these things I want to buy and put in my room. I do not see it as an addiction but more of an escape. I might be delusional and maybe I was never depressed, but if these suicidal thoughts come back what do I do then. Shopping helps with depression?",Depression +16099,"Planning your life, what career to persue, which path to follow, how to connect and socialise with other. Hopeing to find people who can understand and relate.I am feeling so hopless and lost right now. I thought I figured out my purpose, what I want to do with myself in this life. But I have been knocked back down into the pit of despair, obstacles thrown in my path (obstacles be ongoing health issues).The friends I do have, barely talk to me anymore. I put it down to living in different parts of the country, plus adult life crap.I am jobless, because of health issues.I constantly feel angry, fed up and when I do have motivation to work on becoming a content creator, nobody on my social networks share or interact.I am learning to become a life coach, since I figured I have gone through a load of shit, maybe I could help people l, let them know they are not alone. But how am I meant to do that, when my social skills or networking skills are crap and no one cares etc.Right now the only thing I think I can do, is just take each day as it comes, focus on activities that bring me joy.And just give up on being part of a system that clearly does not care for me.Damn human need for some kind of gratification, to feel accepted by others.I have always been the odd one out, on the outside looking in, never invited out etc.Why do I keep trying to be part of a society that does not care nor want someone like me.To live a human life is to live a suffering existence. Is there any point in planning...",Depression +16100,I try to only fill my life with distraction. The more I have the worse I feel. The less I have the worse I feel. Distraction,Depression +16101,"I am immensely unhappy, for many, many things, but i do not have the energy to go through them at the moment. i would like to die, i think. the sudden realization that i have to deal with all my shit, likely alone, And realizing i have to work on top of that, for the rest of my life, terrifies me. (I have only just turned 18, and trying to get my first job)would i be fine with dying? i think so. I am scared of whatever the aftermath is of death- but more so, I am scared of how upset everyone will be, and the idea someone might try to follow in my footsteps. my friends are very important to me, and i only have a few, but they are close. but thinking about how mortified they would be if i killed myself, makes me so sad. everythings too much, and I am scared. i cannot keep this up forever. i want to kill myself, but cannot",Suicidal +16102,"it is a terrible idea for one diagnose oneself, or anyone else, with any kind of mental illness.But what do you do when you see someone exhibiting patterns that share many similiarities of a particular condition?In my opinion,My dad is an extremely high-functioning autist.My mother has abandonment issues manifested through codependency and overprotectiveness.My older brother developed a plethora of rituals, that haunt him day by day. Cleanliness addiction to the point of circumcising late, and then developing a trauma from it.My sister has an oppositional defiant disorder, but last night, her entire defense mechanisms broke down from alcohol poisoning, to a point where she was attempting to drown herself.I have had two full-blown manic attacks, both of which ended with a baker act (law enforcement committed me to mental health institutions), and one of them ended in a suicide attempt, to which I simply cannot rationalize how the loaded, cocked, and safety-off gun did not fire. I do not want to rationalize it either.we are a family of Puertoricans.If anyone here knows how latino families work, parents disable their children, by doing everything *for* them, with the genuine intention of protection.I am 24 now, I am still watching my high highs, and my low lows, but as life kept rapid-firing responsabilities, and difficult obstacles to develop my craft/career, it is been a little hard to reflect upon everything.Ever since Covid started/2nd manic attack, I have been forcing myself out of my antisocial tendencies, and at the very least, have conversed extensively with my mother.My mother, coming from a small, family infested town of San Lorenzo, was always very knowledgeable of our genealogy. From her side, and from my dad's side, who also grew up in the same town.Her memory, understanding, and reasoning of our family, and quite distant ancestry, has been key to our slow, but gradual recovery.We have genes from generations of undiagnosed conditions.I want to emphasize just how important my family's hometown is to the story.Everybody knew what everybody was doing in Puerto Rico, more so in the small, rural town of San Lorenzo.it is a humid, hot tropical island with the consistent blessing of constant breeze, thanks to all the mountains.This meant that *everybody*was outside at all times.Specifically in my hometown, everyone knew each other's first and last names, their families, profession, interests... But what everyone was always in a high-alert lookout for was... what people were fucked in the head.Social class was absolutely paramount, and equivalent to success in the 20th century. But in San Lorenzo... your entire life was determined by your the image of your status. Even more so than the status itself.Who your friends could be, what jobs would become accessible, the way people would look at you, and even how your family spoke to you.Gossip spread faster than wildfire.My ancestors suffered traumas from the military. And whether or not they were willing, or even begging, to seek professional help, such weakness would tarnish the image of our name.After I loaded, cocked, and pulled the trigger on my head...That was rock-bottom.Nothing is worse than nothing.I have set myself to make ammends, and rebuild my broken family.It is tough. I am 24. I have dreams and aspirations to use my animations and break into the gaming industry.One way or another.However, the story I want to tell through my games can only written once I understand my own.I love my family.More than anything. They are the reason I am here. They are the drive behind my actions. But they are just as busy trying to find purpose in their own lives, as they are trying to rationalize their difficulties.I am content with this fate. I am happy to be here, to be alive, to know everything I know, and attempt to leave footprint of unconditional love wherever I go.But I do not have anyone to talk to.I do not want to talk about my family issues, or my mental state...But about the games they play. About books they have read.About shows they love.About their top 100 artists.About that bitch customer who just refused to leave without their change.About strategies to overcome my fear of lizards.About day-dreaming of pulling a popshuvit, even though I am terrified of falling from just walking.About how the fuck do analog clocks even work?it is all I really need, man. Nothing else. Curing a broken family. The need for a friend.",Depression +16103,Every relationship I have had has ended in disaster. Either be it from my own actions or that of my partner. In the last year I drove my wife away with my mental health as I struggled to come to grips with trauma I was getting help for. My most recent one ended when the woman I was seeing told me was poly and wanted to be herself. I could not get on board with it.She told me she wanted to marry me and I did everything I could for her. And just like that she pulled a 180 and she was gone. I want this shit to end. I am giving up. I am never going to have a fulfilling rationship. I do not fit in anymore. I want out of this life. I am just waiting for the day when I have had enough and I finally put a rope around my fucking neck. Tired of getting left behind.,Suicidal +16104,despite being surrounded by loving family and friends i cannot help but still feel alonei wish i could give my life to someone that would be able to live it properly i have so many reasons to stay but my self hatred is overcoming me,Suicidal +16105,"Then maybe they would give a shit. Maybe they would take me seriously. Maybe mom would care. Instead I live life like I am just some paranoid bitch constantly threatened with shit that I know he could do any moment but that he does not, just so I always look like the liar. I do not know what the point is anymore. I hate everyone. The church has ruined my fucking faith. I want to tell dad I am a lesbian just so hell kick me out, just so hell try to kill me just so that he and mom and everyone else will quit the fucking act and stop making me think that they care, I have had everything easy when I do not fucking deserve it. There is no fucking point. Tell me to fucking end myself I wish that he would have just assaulted me",Suicidal +16106,"I just want to be put down, I do not deserve to live and I hate it here. The only thing keeping me here is the painful process and my survival instincts. All I am is a burden for other people, no one ficking likes me and I am a piece of shit. I am not even worried about the pain I would bring onto other people after I die, because I am dragging the people around me that I love down and causing them pain. it would be better if I was just fucking dead. Why cannot there be a painless way to die",Suicidal +16107,"I am diappointed i did not die in my sleep. Being alive is so exhausting and I could not care less about this world.Every day I wake up and think about all the ways I could just end it. I am in school and day dream about death. I can literally do the thing I love the most and still think about dying.I just hope a car runs me over or anything like that today. Preferrably when there is no hospital nearby, because I do not want that they bring me back again. I woke up... and want to kms",Suicidal +16108,"I am angry, I am in severe pain, I am tired, I am emotional, I am suicidal, I am fucking done. i do not even know if this is the right subreddit for this but i do not care. if it gets deleted i do not care i just need to get this out. i feel trapped by my uterus and ovaries and it feels like the only way out is death. the world is hellbent on keeping me from removing my uterus and even if i could, its really dangerous. and i cannot even get rid of my ovaries because that is even more dangerous. I am tired of being in pain, I am tired of being overwhelmingly angry at men and the world and whoever the fuck created people with these body parts. fuck this fuck everything I am so tired of having a uterus and i want to die",Depression +16109,She had be missing for 3 days now. I knew there was something wrong because she would rarely leave my side. I had been searching for her day and night. This morning I found her body in a secluded place in one of my neighbors backyard. She was my only comfort in this shitty world. I was already going through a major depressive episode and every morning she was the one Id go to because she was the only one who would made me feel safe and happy. Wed spend our whole days together. She was truly my other half. The thought that Ill never feel her warmth and never play with her again absolutely destroys me. I feel truly lost. My cat died,Depression +16110,"They also wished me dead, fucking hurts from someone who was cuddling with you a mere month ago, I want to kill myself he was the only reason I am still alive When your ex lover makes a list of reasons why they hate you",Suicidal +16111,"Be it books, video games, youtube, sleeping, whatever. As long as it is a temporary distraction I am cool with it. they are not even especially fun anymore, but at this point almost anything's better than life's dull monotony. I am addicted to everything that helps me forget that I am me",Depression +16112,"it is not the first time in my life when I feel so sad that I cannot even watch YouTube or Netflix, like I do not feel like doing that at all. My only entertaiment these days is reddit and 4chan because I still find interesting to read other people and feel that someone is reading me. I feel I do not should feel bad. I have kind of a ""dream job"" (I think I am going to fuck it up tho and I do not feel like working these days but I have to) but these lasts months I have ben struggling with anxiety kind of hard. I have never felt that before, anxiety is the worst thing that could happend and It fucked me up so much. Now when I think about seeing my girlfriend I get scared bc I feel I am going to have anxiety and feel uncorfomtable with her. I like her and I do not want to lose her, but I feel like I cannot be with her anymore, the realationship literalmente produces me a lot of anxiety, like the fear of losing her due to anxiety produces me the anxiety. I do not know, but now that I feel we are about to break up the anxiety status has become sadness. I just feel so sad. I have been drunk for three days and now I am sober I just want to drink again or smoke some pot. I kind of now that no one's going to read this or answer this, but writing it has made me spend a few minuts of my day and that is what I wanted. Spending my time on something. I cannot anymore with life, it is not the first time that I experiencie this feeing of total sadness and I just cannot stand another month like this. I just need someone to read me",Depression +16113,"Life sure is a bitch when you are short and ugly. Nobody truly gives a shit about you or takes you serious until you do something drastic or outrageous. Short, ugly, weird, I have gotten it all. You have to online date because you look better on the internet than irl. And you have to lie about your height to get that love. I cannot help but wonder why the fuck is this my life. Why not anybody else. does not seem fair to me. Its like i was born to be hated. When I am gone i will not have to go through it anymore though. Life",Suicidal +16114,"I have been working non stop daily 12+ hours with little sleep of 3\~5 hours on weekdays and 6\~7 hours on weekends if not my parents insist me to sleep, I will gone no sleep. I am graphic design student, I take 6 subjects all of them have assignments that need to be done on weekly basis, I cannot catch out the momentum and whenever I do it faster and half-assly, the lecturer will told me to redo redo and redo again, so it is not like I do not like chill myself but all of them forcing me to work hard. Parents does not really help either, they told me ""try your best not to fail"", yea it is not A or anything but I really tired of this, I really want to fail one or two just because I am tired of it. I never really fail before other than failing in high school for advance math, after that I tried not to fail in college because it is costly and wasting time to retake entire semester again. Today I sleep until 3.30pm and later have to take vaccine at 5pm in some far place so when I back home there will be no time to do assignments. And the vaccine side effect probably kick in and I have to force to sleep, the deadline of one assignments is today at 12pm and there other that need to show progression on weekly but I have not done yet. My mind explode thinking all of these and I really just want to disappear from it so that I can stop bothering about these. People do find me when they are stress or thing but I never find them because they either do not really care or idk, I do not want people know that I actually sad and angry all the time. Sometime lecturers or adult just said yea this is adult life and college life, eat it, does not help either. I am so tired of try not to fail college",Suicidal +16115,"I think that is the quote at least, correct me if I am wrong but its been sticking with me for the past few days. My depression started 9 years ago when I was being bullied by my school staff. On the surface it does not sound bad but the treatment I went through genuinely has left a permanent scar on me, just because of the emotional turmoil it put me through as such a young age. I saw this quote twice in the same day and it just kept sticking with me and I realized it was true. I do not feel like I have emotionally matured past that point. I was so young when it happened and I have been stuck for the past 9 years. I still throw tantrums. My fear of being alone. My naivete. Even my methods of self harm are childish. I still FEEL like a child. I literally feel and process my emotions like a child does. I do not know how to even move past this trauma and I do not think I will. My emotional state, including the depression and everything it brought with it, has not changed in 9 years. Maybe things feel like they are getting worse because I am dealing with bigger problems than I have been able to Emotionally handle. The older i get the more I am biting off more than I can chew because 8 year old problems are alot different from almost 17 year old problems. I want to get help so bad but I do not even know where to start by myself, let alone financially. I am stuck here. ""You do not emotionally mature past the age you were traumatized at"".",Depression +16116,"And I am struggling with survivors guilt. We were 19. I blame myself every day for being the catalyst. We had a pretty decent friends group, she was in love with a mutual best friend of ours that I had known since kindergarten. That friend said that they might have had a chance in the past but never again, and when I told her that she took a turn for the worst mentally. I missed her call the day before she killed herself and I blame myself for not answering. I blame myself for not following through with our pact and being too cowardly. Now I have got a family and two years ago I got a kidney transplant, but I just sit here and think about how I do not deserve it and I should not be here. How people like me do not deserve to be happy. The things Id do to trade places and me be dead and my best friend still be aliveI fucking hate feeling like this and not having anyone to talk to about it. My best friend and I had a pact, she killed herself 9 years ago today.",Suicidal +16117,"Right now I feel like things are never going to changeThat my life is just going to get progressively worseThat nothing matters nor makes senseThat I have no place in the world, I am just hiding away in this placeWho does everything suck so muchThere's no way I will ever be happyI just drive everyone awayThings will not get betterEverything sucksEverything sucksEverything sucksAll I am doing is passively waiting for things to endI can never do anything rightFeeling my feelings just helps for a moment but then everything goes back to usualIs therapy even working? Maybe I am so shitty that I block all progressIt's like I just ruin everything i touchWhy am I in such a mess?Why cannot I ever be happy, feel free, feel supported?Even if people love me I feel like I cannot take itNothing ever works for meNothing feels good enoughAm I just impossible? Am I the problem? Maybe I cannot ever be satisfied because there is something wrong with meWhy is there something wrong with me?How can I stop feelings like this??How can everything stop? I want to make it stopI'm really scared to share this too because who will want to read such depressive whinny things? Why cannot I just thrive or whatever other people do? Why is everything worse for me? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I want to stop these thoughts I want to be happy and have nice thoughts, please someone help me, please, help me help me help me help me help me HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME A rant I wrote in my diary app today ((I am ok I just needed to vent))",Depression +16118,I need a reason to keep goingAnything Please Help,Suicidal +16119,my sister just left. i barely get to see her. she only came here on wednesday and now she is gone on sunday. she lives hours away from me. i miss her so fucking much.we had a barbecue planned and my friends were going to come over and we were going to have so much fun. now its been cancelled for the third time because my mum feels ill.i have nothing to stay here for. I am so close to crying. I am so close to offing myself. seriously. i cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +16120,I am going through so much i have no one to. Is anyone available to talk? I need help,Depression +16121,"I gave up on life, now I am just waiting for my death to happen. I do not have any goals, any hopes, any desires, any, will. I am just existing and waiting.Is this normal at some part in your life? Is it bad I completely resignated? I gave up",Depression +16122,"Just time passes you see your friends on school , college the one who get engaged one got marry one travel abroad one started his business and I am at the same boat playing video games all day watching netflix not used to be the smart guy who got A in physics degreeDam life sucks was fool to believe I am going to be something now i am just human example of misery Same day , Same shit only getting worse",Depression +16123,"Had a really long really bad depressive episode last year, I have been doing ok since about late November but man has it come back with a vengeance these last two months. At the moment all I can think about is SH and killing myself. My therapist wants me to be hospitalised but I cannot bare anyone but her knowing how bad I am doing. I refused and she made me promise her Id see her on Friday and I just wish I had not made that promise, the way she looked at me when i promised is burned into my fkn soul. I really do not see any point in continuing this pattern. Depression back with a vengance",Depression +16124,"I am ashamed of my own existence. I am a nave 17 year old who does not know anything about anything and has been depressed ever since puberty hit. I think about killing myself daily.I have no close friends. I have never had a girlfriend and I doubt I ever will since I am ugly as shit and also very awkward. I got all the shitty genes, almost all of which came from my mom and I resent her a little for it(and my dad for marrying her): big forehead, big nose, moles, bushy eyebrows, lots of body hair, brown eyes, insomnia, frizzy hair, long legs and arms, kind of short height, and all of those are things I cannot change. My name sounds stupid. I fucking hate looking in the mirror and pretty much constantly avoid looking at my reflection (Even on the toilet water just before I take a piss). Looking at my own face just pisses me off and I want to chop it off with an axe. I am constantly ridiculed because of my looks and personality. I have always been a terrible student. I have a low GPA and a shitty SAT score. I hate sports. I have no extracurriculars. No decent college will accept me and I do not even care about college that much to begin with. I probably have a porn addiction and my diet is shit. But those are the only two things which bring me pleasure and I depend on them. I am incredibly bored all the time and almost nothing feels enjoyable. Videogames bore me death. Most movies are silly to me and I hate Hollywood. I find most people boring and have to pretend like I care about most conversations. I have no interest in having pets. I am also extremely pathetic and afraid. I have never drank alcohol or done drugs. I do not know how to drive. I feel detached from all human beings and sometimes wish I was born as another species. A dragonfly does not need a goddam plane ticket. A beetle does not need friends and family or an education. A bobbit worm does not need a home with a fucking mortgage. I fucking hate existing and I cannot wait to die and finally be free. My parents do not take my interests seriously and I am constantly pressured to major in a STEM related field which I find extremely boring since I have always found humanities much more interesting. They also think I am going through the ""teenage angst"" phase, and they may have a point. Nonetheless I still have trouble finding meaning in things. I feel caged inside my body and hate being alive. I also hate that I feel this way since I am very privileged. I do not believe in abstractions such as good, evil, love, joy, or nations because they have no basis in reality. I feel like we just pretend like things are meaningful and every single thing we do is a distraction from imminent death. I am spiteful, and hate nearly everyone but am aware that I am the problem. I have rape and murder fantasies and I fucking hate myself for that. I feel fucking alone all the time. If I could describe my life in two words they would be confusion and solitude. I am not patriotic at all and I do not believe in countries. I cannot fathom how some people are willing to die for their countries. To them you are just another fucking statistic. I also do not care for any religion at all. Everything is so trivial and absurd and ephemeral. I am just a tiny animal on a floating rock born in an overstimulated and depressed time. I do not even want to talk about the pandemic. Language is extremely limiting and I cannot even express myself with words. I feel like everyone gets to a point where they realize that everything is a social construct.All things, including my own achievements, will accomplish nothing. An individual life cannot change a fucking thing.Life is so arbitrary. it is just a matter of who you are born as. One's genes and habits, I suppose. Being born is a terrible misfortune, and I hate that I live on a floating rock filled with pointless cruelty and pretentiousness and animals who assign false meaning and emotions to everything. I am just a dipshit kid who feels like a failure. I see no reason why I should not kill myself. Constant suicidal ideation, the triviality of everything, and anger at being alive",Suicidal +16125,"A friend had her wisdom teeth taken out last november. 3 surgically removed (like shattered and removed type shit because of how sideways they were). They gave her 12 of the 5-325 mg pills for the pain the following days. She only took one. She has constant pains in her back (big boobs) and migraines and stuff and the ""pain"" was just more of a soreness so she did not feel the need to take any more. She told herself to ""be a man and deal with it. Suck it up"" so now she has 11 norcos just laying around. If someone were to grab the bottle and just down them all suddenly... would it be fatal? Would it make a difference if their blood pressure is naturally low as well? Just curious shower thoughts. Curious thought about hydrocodone/ acetaminophen",Suicidal +16126,"As my mental health deteriorates, my lmaos get longer lmaoooooo. that is true!",Depression +16127,"I hate everything about myself. The way I look, the way I act, and the way I think. Every time I try to get better I just mess it up. I cannot make any friends because i always ruin it with my bullshit. I feel so bad for the people that have to deal with me. I cannot even kill myself because I fucked that up too. I hate myself.",Suicidal +16128,"So after awhile I have decided to go ahead and try counselling with my school counsellor this friday.This past year has been extremely exhausting mentally. With the amount of stress I am facing, my bottled up emotions and (i do not want to self-diagnose) childhood trauma are resurfacing. During the past few months, my thoughts and emotions have become harder to control and I finally decided to seek help for the first time. I initially thought that I would go to therapy after i graduate from school but i realised that I do not think Ill last that long to make it that far. I was afraid that if I do not seek help soon, I do not think i could hang on any longer. So here is the first step I am going to take even though I was incredibly hesitant at first. Hopefully it goes well. Going to counselling for the first time",Depression +16129,"My mum is forcing me to wear short sleeve, most of the cuts will be hidden but there are some on my arms that i need to hide QUICKLY HOW DO I HIDE SELF HARM SCARS",Depression +16130,"Everyday I get more and more convinced that I simply was born for no reason, that I have been a loser since day 1Rn I just feel that I am unable to feel good or even just not miserable whatever I do to liveEveryone is better and more capableI know I do not have to compare to others but... I seriously feel like someone that cannot even achieve one little thing in his life without helpI cannot form good habits, I cannot maintain my health, I cannot keep the friendships I made in check, I cannot learn new things, I cannot even be a humanI am just trashLiteral human garbage that is only good for lying in bed and barely communicateI just wish I had a little gift for something, because I am so lost without oneI feel it is already too late to save this life from being fully miserableI am so worried about what is to come, because, I cannot even shine a little in the one thing I enjoyed doing Why am I here? Was I just, meant to be nothing at all?",Depression +16131,"I can barley describe how I feel, all I can tell is uts extremely unpleasant. I nearly did it today, but got caught off guard by unexpected company. Not the good kind so all in all I probably should have doubled down then and there. Maybe I used an interruption to bitch out honestly idk. I fantasize bout my funeral alot lately. I hope in my head people will hurt for me. Tho I have my doubts with that as well. Hence it being just a shit fantasy. I wish I had told them I loved them maybe things would have not ended here. I wish I had told someone how I felt when it all started. Now here I am all empty and hollow. I cannot wait to be dead. I feel so numb I actually have no idea to what to write",Suicidal +16132,"The past few weeks, I have told several people I am not doing okay And they either ignore my message, or find a way to change the topic Or worse, they say it will be okay. I do not think they understand that its not a reassuring statement.I just want someone to fucking care. I have been alone for so long. I know I am socially inept, but I do not know what I did to deserve this level of loneliness. Tonight is the worst I have ever been. And that is really saying something. I Just Want Someone To Talk To.",Suicidal +16133,"My life could be very good, it is so easy for me, I have such good conditions, nice house, my parents have money, I could have good friends, I could study anything I wanted and also work at anything.But I am trash, I hate myself so much, it has been 2 years now since it is all bad for me, I cannot be happy, it all goes wrong, and it is always just because of me, it does not seem like it will come to and end soon, I just cannot move, I hate everything and everyone, but most of all, myself, for being such a terrible human being, wasting such an opportunity, I wish I could give my life to someone who is not happy right now because of bad luck or something, but instead I am just this terrible mess that cannot even cry anymore, cannot make a single thing well, neither wants to fix anything.The only thing I want is to die.My family does not even hate me for this.They should.They do not deserve this.I really wish I was never born.The only thing I do all the time is to feel very very bad and miserable in my bed while I wish I suddenly die or something because I am not even capable of killing myself.I am the fucking worst.I am sorry for the long post... I could have an ideal life",Suicidal +16134,"People say it gets better but it is been this way for the last 15 years and I do not see that changing anytime soon. Like nice try, better luck next time. Sometimes things just do not work out. I do not really want to see 28. My first thought upon reaching 25 was oh great, I am only a quarter of the way through. And my health/quality of life has only declined since then.",Depression +16135,Just took 25 pills idk if imma be here when i wake up and honestly i do not really care :(,Suicidal +16136,"I have a family and friends, but cannot help but feel alone. I do not know if you guys feel the same way, but I do not really have anyone I can open up with. It used to bother me, but right now what is the point. It feels pointless and void of any meaning to try and feel sadness. I want to scream, but the sound does not come out. I cannot tell if I have lost something or if I never had it. I have been called heartless and rude, but I do not react anymore its like its become a part of my character I have grown devoid of it. Sorry for the rant I need to get it off my chest. Loneliness",Depression +16137,"I notice that many people who do not struggle with depression do not fully understand what it is, and it is certainly a problem. I cannot emphasize how many times I have heard people around me laughing and joking about them ""having depression,"" or even assuming it is no more than a deep sadness. I am sure plenty of you have been able to see that too.From my own experience it is not a pit of despair rather than a mental prison. it is an open space locked off from the outside world. You still have contact with loved ones but it is strangely limited and inconsistent due to your own mind games you are playing on yourself. it is a feeling of constant (or near-constant) isolation from all humanity when you could be surrounded by any number of people. it is empty. Lonely. Hard to make and maintain bonds. Motivation is hard to find until it is completely impossible to reach altogether. I am struggling to escape.it is funny because a prison break would likely be easier than this, when I think about it. A prisoner can escape physically, while it is an entire mental battle to simply get through the day without concerning anyone while you are struggling.(To quickly clarify what my intentions are, I am not here to role-model or tell people that they are not alone in their struggles. They already know that, and from my experience that knowledge is not impactful in the slightest.)I find that we are strong. Those of us who are still struggling are here today because we have still got a little bit of fight left in us. It certainly does not feel like it but for every second we are still here, it is winning yet another battle against our stupid brains. The world needs to know that people who are struggling with their mental health are not all sad, distant and mopey. we are fighting hard 24/7 and do not even know if we are winning. A Realization.",Depression +16138,this is going to sound like I am being a big baby most likely. but i have a really bad fear of needles/having them forced on me against my will to take blood etc. from medical trauma in the past. i am chronically suicidal and i want to go get help really badly but I have heard so many horror stories about them strapping people down in mental hospitals and taking blood 10+ times a day. hearing stuff like that is fully preventing me from getting help and i do not know what to do. I am too scared to keep fighting on my own and i need to reach out to resources but i do not want to have a bunch of needles forced on me. i need advice if anyone has personally been hospitalized. has anyone been to the psych hospital before?,Suicidal +16139,"I was told today by my husband (who I came out to before we were married) that if I continue transitioning (I am trans) that he will maybe divorce me. Depends on how much he hates the changes that happen. But I will not know for sure until after I start medical transition. He also told me that if I do not go through with medical transitioning he will divorce me for sure because I will be ""living a lie.""I put everything I had into moving to an island thousands of miles away from everything I loved because he wanted to go home.I married him sooner than I wanted to because he was taking a long break from work and needed health insurance.I feel so used. So disgusting. This is the theme of my entire life and I am tired. I just want to die and get it over with. I am tired of starting over. I am so tired",Suicidal +16140,"I know humans are not meant to be perfect, but there is got to be a minimum standard, and I fall way below it.Depression kicked my ass when I was 9. I still cannot find enough motivation to brush my teeth daily. I have so much plaque and tooth ache and I keep telling myself maybe if I brush a little more it will all go away but I know that is not possible without a trip to the dentist. But I am going to be judged, not just by the dentist, by my family when they know the state of my teeth. I will have to pay for it out of pocket too and I really cannot afford that right now.I am overweight. Severely, I think. I hate waking up and remembering I am in this 75kg+++ body and even taking a shower makes my heart race because I am so fat and I spend hours every day pinching, poking, prodding. This is what people see when they talk to me. Disgusting. And yet I do not do anything about it. I tell myself ""oh, body positivity, eat whatever I want since life is short and I will die anyways"" and then end up binging tens of thousands of calories.I have a high degree. I think my eyes are in the 900s. At this rate I would rather gouge them out and go blind. My screen time amounts to 14 hours and more every day and I know I should be improving my life but it takes too much effort.This world. I do not want to live in a world where we are all just working for the sake of being able to afford to live. Work a few hours. Buy a few things. Repeat. Rinse. Why am I even studying? So i can get a higher paying job. For a better future. I do not want to live anymore. I want to be a plant somewhere in the world with nothing to care about. I want to improve my life but god damn am I chronically lazy. I see no end to this. I do not know how to continue living in this stupid house sharing a room with a sister I have not talked to in almost a year. In this stupid house, waking up to being screamed at by my parents, hearing them body shame me all the time and agreeing because what they are saying is true, everything is just too much and I just want to have a room of my own to cry inThey keep pressuring me to become the money maker in the house. I got a part time job along side my full time studies, but I got fired because I would always prioritize my school projects (filming and things) over work. I have not told them. I cannot even sell pictures of myself like I used to because I gained almost 10kg since then and nobody wants to look at a disgusting fat body with scars all over it, do they?I am only 17. I do not know where my life's headed. Never had my birthday celebrated since my sister was born, because I am born in December and she is born in January so the entire month of Dec is spent planning for her birthday. They do not even remember when I am born anymore. I feel like a ghost, a punching bag, a sorry pathetic excuse.I just feel overwhelmed right now and needed to let it off my shoulders. I say all this but I am probably never going to do anything about my life since I am just lazy. And tired. Mostly fat and lazy. I destroyed my own life",Suicidal +16141,"People say pain is how you know you are alive, but when every single moment is empty and lonely I do not feel alive. I am so dependent on small things that keep me distracted. I finished a manga today and it made me feel so horrible inside because something that made me even a little happy was gone. Every horrible painful second lasts hours in my mind. It hurts so bad I want to die Everyday I feel like I am in I am unbearable pain",Suicidal +16142,Not suicidal just do not want to exist any more Ill continue moving because I know I have to. I have chosen death the slowest way possible because I deserve it. killing myself would be too easy. I have to live until I die and make as much money as possible so my nieces and nephews never have to experience the things I have. I was a Jehovahs Witness 3 years ago I was never taught about the real world my entire family shuns me because of me leaving I legitimately have no one. I believe I am cursed in life to never feel love or to be unlovable first parents put me up for adoption second shun me for leaving a cult. I am a way I guess I have already killed the old me is it possible to develop the traits of a sociopath? My heart feels so cold. do not want to exist,Suicidal +16143,"Does it? My brain does stupid shit everyday and it only makes people suffer. I make my BF traumatic, my family lose hope to me, and my brain kept making shitty judgement. I look at the internet and i think i had asperger syndrome. What makes a trash like me with that sickness deserve in this world? Is live worth living?",Suicidal +16144,"Its 8am I was up all night playing games and drinking all sorts that I bought for myself and hid, and I did not sleep the day before so I am at about 45hrs without sleep now and I am just walking through the woods on this lovely morning drinking the last of my booze and listening to music and I just do not give a fuck, not in the sense of what people will think of me (what is left is in a rucksack anyway and I am not drunk so no one would no I have been drinking anyway) but in the sense that I just do not care, about anything, what is the fucking pointNow I do not expect any responses this was purely made to just vent and laugh at myself and wtf I am doing, have a good day What am I doing",Depression +16145,I do not even understand simple set of instructions. It is keeping me from performing well in society. I also have low confidence and low self esteem. At work my manager thinks that J am dumb. I was never like this before. Certain events in my life has caused depression. Years of depression has reduced My(26 M) memory+ cognitive abilities. What can I do to retain my learning ability?,Depression +16146,"Not today. But some day. I know that the pain and depression will not stop and will only get worse than it is right now. And its pretty bad right now. Suicidal thoughts bouncing around in my head will start to become plans to Jill myself, and then the day will come when I actually do it. I am not that scared, but I am sad. I just want to be happy, but I am really really confident that I never will be. I cannot wait till I have the strength to go through with it, because it means this nightmare of a life will be over. Until then, Ill just keep going to work where they do not like me, and stay in my house all scared and alone. I just hope I do it soon. I know Ill end it all someday",Suicidal +16147,"Never thought I would do this because I should not feel this way and I have no right to cry.I am a married guy in his early 40s with a wonderful child who I love.My sexless marriage has been difficult due to my partner's serious mental issues, and over the years, this has pushed me right up to and sometimes beyond my limits. Most of the time I have coped, until...I met a girl at work and we flirted and teased one another a lot over a period of months. I fell in love with a girl who I cannot have, and truth be told, does not want me. she is another trian crash but has awoken feelings in me that I have not seen in so many years.We ended up getting very drunk at a recent night out and we kissed, which messed with my head even more. I left my job to escape this situation, but the problem is that every waking minute of every day, I think of and long for her, but know that it is wrong. Heartbroken on so many levels. Rebooting",Depression +16148,"I have a respiratory disorder and I am a physical therapy student. it is getting really tough for me. Everytime I think of studying or doing anything which requires focus and attention, it flares up. I do not even know anymore how to live with this. My exams are coming and I have not studied anything for it. I just really feel lost. When I got admitted for the PT school, I was very excited. But now I feel like if I cannot help myself, how will I even help my patients. I feel like I will remain a mediocre. it is giving me anxiety. I am not asking for help. I felt a little better when I shared this here. Feeling depressed",Depression +16149,"I am so done with myself at this point. I wake up past noon everyday because I cannot sleep at night. I have very little friends but the ones I do have depression and come to me for help (they do not really know about my mental state) and I feel like I am no help. I make everything worse for them. I constantly feel like shit. And I always wonder what is the point of getting up. I just do not know what to do anymore. They say, ""Roll with the punches in life"" but at this point it is a pro boxer punching me and I am this close to getting KO'd. I cannot even cry anymore, I feel like an empty she will. Life sucks",Depression +16150,I hear people always say that it gets better. It never does. Like ever. Things may be okayish for a brief moment but then its right back to the way it has always been. Its like I am not meant to be happy or something. People talk as if I have something to look forward to. I am scared to look forward to anything because it does not last. I just want a piece of the happy pie. Is it always going to be like this?,Depression +16151,"I am not sure if its just me but I feel the weekends are the worst. I like that I do not have school but I am just reminded that I do not like where my life is at the moment. I am lonely as hell right now,and I am trying to pick up the pieces of a recent episode I had. I was not really able to study and I am sure I just failed my most recent exam. My room is a mess, cannot get myself to get up and put away clothes and dishes. Its the loneliness that is really getting to me. I got sent home from college and I do not really know many people in my hometown. My friends are busy, live away from me, or in relationships. Its the weekends I notice that I spend most of my day in my room. I have a huge void in my day because I broke up with my boyfriend last week. I did not realize how much of my day I spent talking to him but even before that we could only talk at certain times. He was horrible, emotionally abusive at times, but I miss him. I am just struggling to get my life back on track. My meds help with some symptoms but not enough to help me get through the day. I went to work today so I am proud of that. Anyone else find the weekends to be difficult Weekends are the Worst",Depression +16152,For those who tried and missed. Which vein or artery should I cut to bleed myself dry. What are the mistakes and how tired Should I be in order to sleep after I cut the blood vessel and never wake up. Which one?,Suicidal +16153,Hello everyone! I made a thread about this a while back. I think I may have messed up a potential friendship with someone who is clinicially depressed. I unfriended them once whenever I thought they were intentionally ignoring me because my social anxiety kicked in.Do people with clinical depression intentionally ghost? I left the door open for the guy to reach me. I want to send him positive messages but I am unsure if I will come off as needy. Do clinically depressed sufferrers dislike people like that or do you think its good to still send messages even if they ignore them? Is it possible to regain their trust at all or did they potentially check out whenever I unfriended and refriended them? Any help is appreciated and thank you! Trying to friend person struggling with depression,Depression +16154,"some idiot cop can ruin someone is life without any consequences in america. i have video evidence and someone(a neighbor) who can testify about all the harassment and distress they caused me. inciting panic attacks, contacting my workforce and ruining my life. had multiple mental breakdowns in the process and am forever damaged from all this. all because they thought it would be funny to ruin someone is life. humans are disgusting my racist neighbor ruined my life and my career",Depression +16155,"I got raped when I was a little boy. I do not what its done to me but I am not well. Every form of therapy makes me relive it and I feel the rape. I developed weird sexual urges (Id never hurt another person) I just jerk off constantly. I also have a nervous system issue that causes pain. I always end up somewhere stuck in pain, jerking off or crying in a ballIm a waste of cells. Fucking tired man I am so fucking tired. People love me but they hate what comes with me I hate myself",Suicidal +16156,"I should have never gotten rid of my rope. Recently got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and I am coming to the sad reality that this is something Ill have to live with for the rest of my life. I have already dealt with years of torture. The paranoia, delusions, hallucinations will always be there. Add on top of that all the negative symptoms. Wishing I were dead constantly. Feeling so alone and isolated from the world. Not getting pleasure out of anything. The list goes on and on. Think I need to use the last bit of money I have left to buy another rope. I fucked up",Suicidal +16157,"I hate being alone. the feeling is agonizing. yet somehow i constantly run away from people who care about me or avoid them when i need help and it ends up in nights like these to were i cannot help but to feel miserable and want to cut myself so bad in some kind of sense of self correction but it never works and just makes me feel even worse the next morning when i wake up. about a year ago, a month after i finished highschool i joined the army and left my friends and family behind hoping i would finish my job school, they would put me on a field and id get to die with some actuall purpose. i have barely been in any contact with my old friends or family since aside from my mom and i feel so abonded, even though I am the one who ran from them. ihave no idea what is wrong with me and soemtimes i feel broken and hopeless. i got a therapis over half a year ago due to my self harm and recently he advised instead of cutting during my next breakdown i find someone or somewhere to share it if its late and no one else was awake so I am trying here. idk its my first time trying soemthing like this so thanks in advamce for any support or advice (also apologies for any typos, I am shaking pretty hard right now) I am my own worst enemy",Suicidal +16158,"This lady was very nice at the start, but by the end of her service, yelled at my mom and got rude to me a few times. I was on 30mg of Lexapro for at least a few years, went off it cold turkey due to her saying she needed to see me on webcam along with me giving up, I had a breakdown, she put me back on 10mg, and I had to stop due to getting very strange symptoms.I first felt a dull pain in the top of my head, then I had face numbness, brain fog, memory loss, ear ringing, jaw stiffness, etc. I still have ear ringing, brain fog, and memory loss. The fog and memory loss seems worse now than a few months ago.I just do not know what to do. I do not know if this is the meds doing this, or something else. I called her about 2 weeks ago, and she would not give me any advice (Saying that legally she cannot, but when I ask if she would see me as a client again, she will not), only saying ""You should see somebody locally"". Just so cold and uncaring. I do not know what I did wrong. I was never rude to her. I want my memories back and my quick acting brain back. I move so slow now, and it is hard to think. Former SSRI prescriber might have overmedicated me and caused permanent damage, refuses to give any advice to help me repair myself. I feel so used and abused.",Depression +16159,"I have had such severe trauma. Sexual and otherwise. I have bipolar and PTSD. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist weekly. I do not know why I should keep trying. I am a burden. A flawed specimen. Logically I should be dead. All I am now is a burden on my husband, family, and society. Try to tell me otherwise. I am so tired.",Suicidal +16160,"Being suicidal and going through hell teached me something, i found out i do not have any real friends or and family members that truly loves or cares about me, when i told them that i was about to end my life they literally ignored me, some of them even encouraged me to do it, i did not do it , blocked all of them, now i feel lost Help",Suicidal +16161,"I hope I die soon, so give me suggestions on what I should do with me hopefully last year. Suggestions?",Suicidal +16162,"I have litetally no idea where to go from here,what to expect Failing college.do not know how to deal with it.life sucks...",Depression +16163,For a very long time I have always thought something was wrong with me bc this voice in my head never shuts up. It is a constant thing . And i do not want to take meds .. bc i do not want to feel crazy. tell me I am not crazy.. i do not want to feel this way anymore.. & i feel alone even when I am not. struggling,Depression +16164,"My struggles with my faith have lead me to depression, and now I cannot even post in the subreddit for my faith to reach out for help. I am worthless. It feels like God is telling me to shut up and just do it banned from posting in r/catholicism. even people in my own religion that I reached out to do not want to help me. I already feel out of place in this world and the rejection stings my soul",Suicidal +16165,"Every day i wake up and its the same thing, i work and come home to my apartment and lay in bed. I have no friends and i hate myself and my life. I seen my ex 2 weeks ago and I am pretty sure he still thinks I am crazy because i just do not trust anyone and am super weird around people and clingy so i just blocked him and am back alone again. I started self harming again after being clean over a year. My life is pretty pathetic and I am 28. I honestly do not have nothing that makes me happy or to look forward to in life. Every day is the same",Suicidal +16166,"I have a family, friends, and a boyfriend that love me. Why do I want to leave so badly? My friends are so funny and charming, but I can barely get a word out. I feel like they basically hang out with my out of pity. My boyfriend talks to me and I draw a fucking blank. I think hes only with me because he thinks Ill kill myself otherwise.I cannot bare feeling so isolated and separate all the goddamn time. there is literally no reason for it, I have everything I could ever want. I am a selfish piece of shit and I do not deserve these people. I should be happy. I do not deserve the wonderful life I have.",Suicidal +16167,"Hi all. I have both depression and anxiety. My mind is always at war with itself. I am constantly overthinking everything. I am an avid music lover. I love to listen to music constantly. I have to have the volume of whatever I am listening to super high, though. It drowns out all of the overthinking. You can overthink things if you cannot even hear you own thoughts, right? Sometimes if I am overthinking too much at bedtime, I can only fall asleep to loud music in my headphones. It probably is not the best for my ears, but it is what it is. Does anyone else relate? Constant need for loud music to drown out thoughts.",Depression +16168,"hope i die , goodbye world just took 63 sleeping pills",Suicidal +16169,"I was thinking about posting this in the BPD subreddit, but I felt it belonged here instead. My BPD is what is causing me to feel this way, if anyone else here has BPD they might relate.These feelings started about three years ago. I have gone through bad shit my whole life but just three years ago something happened that made me suicidal. I grew up in an abusive home and did not have many friends in high school, and that gives me a tendency to get overly attached to people. So when I got to college, everyone who lived on my floor hung out as a friend group and being part of that group made me the happiest I had ever been in my life. But that group turned around and was actually really mean and toxic to me, and because I was so attached to them, it made me suicidal when they were mean. They never actually said the words ""kill yourself"", but I really felt like they wanted me to do it. One symptom of my BPD, I think it is called splitting, I exaggerate things a lot and think in black and white. If someone does something mildly shitty to me, it makes me think that they are purposely trying to drive me to kill myself. I know that logically, even though they were definitely shitty people, they probably were not evil enough to try to make me kill myself. Very few people are actually that evil. (Similarly, I also do the opposite. If someone does something even slightly nice for me, it makes me think that they love me). Years later, during COVID, I started getting harassed online by that same group of people. And the harassment was actually really nasty, although again, they never actually said the words ""kill yourself"". I tried reporting it to the college administration and they did not care so I responded to the harassment, and they lied to the administration saying that I was harassing them for no reason, which again, seemed like a pretty evil thing to do, and I felt like because they were doing something that mean to me, it must mean that they want me to kill myself. I actually told them I wanted to kill myself because of them and they would not stop. The harassment really got to me, and it is a big group of people doing it, and I feel like if that many people want me to kill myself, then I should. I feel like everyone wants me to kill myself",Suicidal +16170,"TRIGGER WARNING If you lost someone like a boyfriend or girlfriend at a young age how do you cope with the grief? Did you have su*c*dal thoughts?Did you rush the grief process? Do you blame yourself or others? If you cannot find another person with the same interest, personality etc. as you do you think about su*c*de? Can someone in the age group between 20-30 years old please comment on this post, please?",Suicidal +16171,"Life is only getting faster from here on out, more distant, harsher and crueler. I just wanted to have one final moment before they leave me in their dust and live their lives. While I guess I linger behind being well.... me.I write this not because I think anything will change, but to perhaps be understood and in case I forget the night due to drinking myself out. A record for future me to date the last moment I might be slightly alive inside. In 24hs I will be hosting a bonfire for my friends.",Depression +16172,Wish I could just die in my sleep sometimes. Sometimes I hate going to sleep because my dreams are better than reality And then I have to wake up to a mundane life.,Depression +16173,Someone please tell me something. Please. I feel like shit right now someone please see this and say something. Give me a reason to live. Please Someone give me a reason to continue,Suicidal +16174,Life sucks. Relationships suck. My family sucks. I have no friends. No one loves me. I hate me. I am a burden to those around me. I am always negative so no one wants to be my friend. I am weird and desperate. I am confused and hurt and sad. I just want things to get better. But I do not know how. I want love. I want friends I want attention. I want to feel good about myself. I am so exhausted. Lonely,Depression +16175,"I always hated being told I was stronger than I thought I was. Childhood trauma does not make me strong, it made me weak in so many ways, it robbed me of my sense of being... It plagued me with fears and nightmares. Going through all of that and the stress of losing the person I love the most has destroyed me. It destroyed me emotionally, and then it destroyed me physically, the holes I created in my arms and wrists were just a manifestation of the pain I felt like I was trying to release through to the surface, to rid me of my mental pain. I have nothing to say but sorry for anyone I have hurt, intentionally, or not. I feel too fragile to keep attempting to go on. I wish I could go knowing that there would be no more suffering in this world for everyone else, but I have lived for almost 26 years and I know it can be a scary place. Now, my state is in complete lockdown while I see on the internet so many other places in the world are returning to normalcy, thanks to the failures of the place I live in, I cannot receive a vaccine dose, there is no way I can continue being locked in place without any support networks. I am too exhausted, I have been lamenting the fact that I cannot simply buy a gun as an exit to this world, it makes me feel like I have been forced to stay alive, but I have my own plan that I hope can bring me peace within the hour.-IreneSun, 18 July 4:26pm I have given up, goodbye",Suicidal +16176,But it died tonight so here is hoping that tonight will be the first night in years that there is a leak somewhere. Carbon monoxide detector in my room has never gone off before,Depression +16177,I do not have anyone to say goodbye to in person. So goodbye. Goodbye...,Suicidal +16178,"It does not change. Nothing ever changes. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am starting to not care. I had suicidal thoughts and ideation for about 13 years i think up until this year, they stopped, but I noticed, so did all of my empathy, compassion, kindness, and really any other feeling. I am in a perpetual state of not caring about anything or anyone. I just do not care anymore. I just want out really. I am too fucking broken to live, I am too abnormal to have a normal life. I wish I knew what was wrong, what does everyone see in me that scares them away? What the fuck is wrong with me? I do not know, I just wish I could sleep forever. I am so tired of this life",Depression +16179,"I am a very closed person, I do not ever say a word about my feelings to others because it feels like I have no reason to be like this. I am shivering just from writing this right now. I have everything someone my age could want, materialistic wise. My parents are both gone ( Father died when I was 3 and Mother died when I was 5 ) and it makes me feel empty. The first time I ever felt suicidal was in first grade after I lost my mother. It felt so right to just die and go be with the rest of my family. The first time I ever opened up about my feelings to my guardian ( Grandmother ), she said that if I had said that to a doctor, that I would end up in a loony bin. I have a grand total of three friends, whom I love, but they feel fake or just not real to me. My inner monologue tells me that they do not care about me and that they are only friends with me out of pity. It also tells me that none of this is real and that I should feel fine and not worry about anything. My inner monologue is telling me to stop writing this right now and that I am ungrateful and an asshole ( the asshole part is true though ). I get really sad and lonely really quickly and then everything goes back to normal. I feel happy every now and then, but I always get sad again. I have an extreme hate for therapists and have been to some before but I never spoke about my actual feelings. I feel like I am betraying my family by writing this even though this is just me. I met a really nice girl in seventh grade and I really liked her, but after the summer we just never talked. It made me sad that I could not make the same jokes with her anymore. I have more to rant about but I feel shitty anyways so I am done here. I would like to hear any feedback anyone has about this. I want to know if my problems are real or if I am just like this.",Depression +16180,"Ok all jokes aside, though it seems I cannot be serious about anything its because joking is all that stifles the pain. Its so temporary though. Its literally just a small buffer between me and death and I am pretty grateful for it. Humor gifted me with a few more years than I probably would have had without it. I am going to hahaha myself to death because I find everything funny because nothing material matters. Its all fodder created by some other person years or decades, or centuries ago and yet, we treat it likes its reality just because a majority subscribe to it and agree to it. Fuck, if that is not the ultimate form of comedy then I do not know what is. Nonetheless, I have written my goodbyes, I made sure to have a really nice last couple of weeks, and now, its time to go. Love you all, I hope you find what you are looking for! So does suicide watch mean Ill have a viewing party?",Suicidal +16181,"I am fine with life being temporary. I am very comfortable with that idea, but I am not comfortable with the idea that most of my relationships will not last more than a few years, and Ill be in a perpetual cycle of meet new ppl -> something happens -> bye -> meet new ppl, and ignore the trauma from that constant insecurity and instead tell myself that is how its meant to be forever. I am young so maybe that will change over time, I do not know but right now it feels hopeless Relationships are as temporary as employment",Depression +16182,Obviously because you needed it but like did you make the choice or were you forced? How did the situation go down? Reason you went inpatient/ into a treatment program?,Depression +16183,"I cannot take this anymore. The devastation of the emotional and phsyical symtpoms is too much. I am on 42. I was not sure if I wanted kids but I feel like I""m dying inside and becoming an unwanted member of society. I also just discovered a small spot on my breast that looks unusual. So, worried.Having spent years battling an eating disorder, this is too much. I am exhausted from so much else in the background and do not know if I can accept that this is my path forward. Struggling for a long time. Now Menopause & found a lump on my breast.",Suicidal +16184,"I hate people like that who mock people who just want to be happy, i hate that i can get this easily emotionally controlled by people like this, its like my brain knows that they know better than me and they are saying the truth I like to smile when I am around people but there are people who think its weird",Depression +16185,"My 20th birthday is on the 31st of July. I will not make it. I am very certain I am going to kill myself in the next few days. Probably today. Weirdly, I am at peace with it. I have wanted to kill myself since I was about 12. Anxiety and depression are just words to us now. We hear them everyday. We joke about it. Hell, I constantly joke about it. that is precisely why we are so uncertain of ourselves when we really do feel weak, when we really do suffer from mental illnesses. Because us, this modern world, has learned to destroy all things relative to an emotion. We really are depressed. We really do need help. But joking about it will always be a lot more fun than actually expressing how we feel. It gets to that point where you cannot even face your own siblings. When you cannot look at your own mother. When the feeling of shame that you do not really know how it built, overtakes you and you feel worthless. Unwanted. Every small insult will start to hurt you. Every joke will burn and tear at your skin. Its soon going to be all you hear when you stare at yourself through a mirror. Your own words may bring you down. Joking will not be funny anymore. But its too late- the next generation has already starting joking about it too.Being the funny person you are known to be will not be enough anymore. People will count on you for the jokes but you will not have them- you have lost all your humor. Its been torn away. You feel hungry but staring at your food is somehow the only thing you can do. And when you eventually eat it, all you can think about it how you should not have eaten it. How you are gaining weight. How all those compliments on your weight loss from your family will disappear and the ugly stares will come back. that is all you are known for, is not it? The things you never wanted to do. The starving yourself, the physical and mental stress you put yourself through for those marks, the crying at 5am because you cannot find the willpower to just stop thinking and sleep. The compliments wavering in and out of your head, the insults joining in. You do not know how it feels to have your own mother relentlessly insult and bring your self confidence down from a young age. You do not know how it feels to have absolutely, literally, nobody to talk to. You do not know how it feels to have your own parents beg you to be more like the other familys daughter. You do not know how it feels to not remember the last time you hugged, kissed, or even touched your own parent. You do not know how it feels to be told by your blood, your birthgiver, the woman who you wish you could respect and love, that you are unwanted. A mistake. The should have been a boy.I have never told my parents I loved them and they have never told me that either. My father is a depressed alcoholic whose parents are now both dead, and my mother is a raging, manipulative, bipolar narcissist who can never admit when she is at fault. She has always hated me. Never really knew or understood why. Guess I just was not a necessary child. I do not really have anything to offer. I am the ugliest kid, the weirdest, loudest, loser. It hurts when even your parents think you are a fucking joke. I have siblings but I doubt they will miss me too much. I am sure a tear might come to their eye when they think of our few good memories once I am gone, but like my sister once told me after I returned home from a three day trip away: the family is just so much happier without me. My life is wonderful. I have been blessed with utmost things that I do not need yet my parents still bought me them; like an Ipod when I was a kid. I am thankful. I am. I have no reason to complain. Everytime my mouth opens and I start to complain, or even think of complaining, I feel like killing myself. I do not deserve this life. The life that I have deserves to be given to a young boy or girl, unprivileged in a broken, impoverished society. They could have made much better use of this life than I have. I do not deserve anything good.Well, this is it. This is not really a suicide note, I guess, but I do not really think I have the energy to write one. Its not worth it, only because I truly doubt anyone would care to remember it. Thanks for everything guys. To those people who come on here and write motivational, uplifting, genuine replies, who try their best to get people to stay longer on this planet; you are heroes. Truly, you really have saved me so many times with your words. I genuinely thank you. I hope you all find happiness and have great lives. Oh and in case I do not see you: good morning, good evening, and good night. July 18 2021",Suicidal +16186,"I do not really know how to start this. Lately my self hatred has popped up again. The shadow that has always loomed in my corner was just waiting. I think it is funny really. It waited for a time to strike to absolutely demolish my months and months of therapy. I guess it just to decided to say ""fuck you"". This feeling really takes its toll on me. This fake mask I wear is finally peeling off. The glue keeping everything together has finally started to disintegrate. My motivation to keep working has been decreasing dramatically. Spacing out and thinking about the cold void that is looming near me. I can see it. Just waiting.Why does the void look so comfortable. She has called to me so many times. Asked me to dance with her. Even though I tell her every time it is not my time. She stands there waiting with the Bouquet of Black Roses. I know one day. One day it will be a struggle to not accept that bouquet.Sorry everyone. Going through some shit at the moment. Self Hate",Depression +16187,"He asked if i wanted to fight multiple times but i never fought him because i was scared of getting a black eye or something like that, because he was bigger than me and had tattoos and was obviouslly insane. I know why i did not fight, because if i did i would be wasting time that i couls be using on work, and there would be a possibility that one of us would get really really hurt really badly, but i still feel like a huge coward for not fighting him, maybe me feeling a coward is something he projected onto me, because the look in his eyes were basically telling me that if i did not fight him i was a coward, but as mentioned above it does not mean that I am a coward if i did not fight this piece of sht, it meant that i was saving us both time, and was not letting this insane mentally ill person let his anger out on me, because he obviouslly was walking around looking for a fight, so it would be stupid of me to let him get his wish, because i obviouslly do not deserve to get hit in the face by someone for no reason at all, he basically was looking for a punching bag to let his anger out. But the thing is that he would never get rid of his anger, or maybe he would. But knowing all this i still cannot sleep at night because that situation made me completely lose control over my life, because it means that whenever someone like him will want to physically dominate me they could and would and there would be nothing i could do about it. With this thought racing in the back of my mind constantly obviouslly i cannot fall asleep, i feel hopeless and furious. The thing also is that i could find him online and talk sht to him that way, but he quit his job and left literally the next day, so i never coukd get a resolution to this situation and i never heard his name or anything like that, so that is just a person that came into my life, bullied me, and just like that left without consequences which feels depressing. I am typing this still lying in bed, I have slept only about 3 hours max i think, this is all i have been thinking about all night. Ofcourse i could workout and learn how to fight to feel more confident, but these two things show only that i have been controlled by these people into putting my time into things that i do not want to do which again is super depressing. Anyone should feel safe in this society whether or not they know how to defend themselves. This person that did this to me is a son of a bitch and is most likely laughing at me right now knowing how much he has impacted my life with such a minor thing, and how easily he can control the emotions of someone like me. I am depressed and furious that i did not fight a bully at work that mocked me",Depression +16188,"Depression realism exists because we all in the matrix. The people that came before us have been fine carving the human race and our species for thousands of years - since we became a global force, another measure of control came in which was astroids/The internet is basically space and since cyberspace is colonizing the real world, it is going to be matter of prinicple where it is white way or the high way...sex is going to be banned/porn will be banned. Depression realism exists because we are all in the matrix",Depression +16189,Its taking a lot just for me to write this. I have been laying in bed all day for the past week. I would have been doing the same before but I had to go out of town for a family event. The only think keeping me from yeeting myself during the early day is weed. Also the only thing that gets me to get at least a little to eat. I am running out of food but I cannot leave my house. My medication does not work anymore. I was supposed to switch two weeks ago but insurance issues and I cannot force myself to call them. I am also supposed to call a bunch of places for a new therapist.. and like 3 specialty doctors for my wack ass body. I cut off most of my friends except the ones I am supposed to travel to visit in a month but I do not even think Ill be good by then. Half of my summer has been wasted and I am not even sure if I regret it or just want it all to be over with. I do not know what to do I cannot validate choosing the right things for myself So I have been stuck between totally throwing myself off the deep end or trying. But it does not seem right either way. I am not doing well,Suicidal +16190,"So background story I am an alcoholic. but I have been pretty much able to keep it under control for a few years until now. I was in a relationship with my boss (which in and of itself is a bad idea) but it was great. and we both decided we should stop but then I was treated differently at work afterwards. and it was terrible. I was basically a punching bag. but we still talked after outside of work and we both loved her dog massively. and it was decided that I should take him because I was a better dog owner and that my dog and her dog were bonded and loved each other as well. Well here is the bad part... He died in my arms a week ago suddenly out of no where. It was his birthday. He was 2. He was healthy. He was energetic. We went for a walk that morning and he was fine. he was gone in seconds. I cannot get it out of my head. My other dog has not been the same since. neither have I. I cannot sleep cuz I have to check on her to make sure she is still alive. she is only 4. On top of this my mom died a month ago and I had to deal with that as well. I am spiraling and do not know how to deal with any of this. Also because it was my boss I do not really have anyone to reach out to because we were keeping it a massive secret because of the work relationship thing. So its not like I can talk to people about it. I do not expect responses but I need to get it all out there. So here I am. My Mom, My Dog, My Life.",Depression +16191,"they do not understand & sadly no one will ever understand. one last try @ life. if i fail again like i always do then I am officially out. I have given them a good amount of my years. I am not here for me. if it was up to me i would have been dead a long time ago. anyways hope you guys give it one last go as well. I am going to try one last time for them. if i fail, well at least i tried so they can shut up.",Depression +16192,"Some are legitimate, but other times its just because its easy to tell your disabled son that hes the reason for everything going wrong now! Its so hard living with someone who takes every situation out on you",Depression +16193,"I used to have so many things I wanted to do when I got older but now all I want to do is die. I cannot go to college. I barely even passed my classes this year, and the only reason I did is because my teachers excused a bunch of assignments because I was in a psych ward for a while. I cannot do anything. I want to just live in an apartment the size of a bathroom and cook my food on a plug-in stove or something and sleep on a mattress on the floor. Like genuinely that is my ideal life. But I need a job to do that. And idk if I can get an apartment like that anyway. I just wish someone would fucking kill me so I do not have to do it myself. For a little bit I thought maybe I could be a monk but then I remembered I do not have the fucking dedication for that. I am an all or nothing kind of guy so I figure Ill either get my shit together or just decide to not even try and throw my life away. From past experience the second one is more likely I feel like I have no options for my future",Suicidal +16194,Loneliness and not been able to find someone to talk tp who understands depression just adds to the condition. I propose starting support groups with people around us from this subreddit. I am from New Delhi and would love to hear from more people.Thank you Why cannot we start a support group at our respective places with people here?,Depression +16195,"I am struggling..... hard-core with SI and obsessive thoughts along with the return of my eating disorder. I want to quit my job, binge drink and take copious amounts of medications. Find ways to get high and have fun before I die. I am not happy. I have tried to reach out to people and talk but its just not working. They do not get it, they tell me to pray or my life is perfect soandso is so much worse off. They do not know my constant battle with calories and wanting to drive my car into the concrete barrier or taking the whole bottle of pills vs 1. Every God damn day. I am not in a good place even though everything from the outside looks perfect",Depression +16196,"I crushed into pieces, the moment I saw your post with the most beautiful girl in this town. Holding hands and having fun. I cannot breath. I feel like I am dying and my heart stopped. I am fainting and in shock. Tell me this is a lie. I cannot believe it. I am counting down for this life to be over I cannot breath",Depression +16197,"27 m I never had a lot of friends in highschool and dated right after highschool for 5 years. During that period I had little self confidence or social skills and never made any real lasting new friendships. I think a big reason why the relationship failed is because of having no social experience and little confidence. The first 2 things I worked on after the relationship ended was my social skills and my financial situation. I am a lot more interesting a sociable now that I have ever been my entire adult life. I am no longer in a constant state of fear of being verbally attacked which was common for me from the time I was about 15-25. And am no longer nearly homeless and now that my basic needs are met a growing pain that is causing me to suffer more and more is how alone I have been. Even in my past serious relationship I was pretty alone but at least I had someone. Now I have nobody and it really sucks. I cannot find people who share my interests and values, or that I can connect with, and people who I do hang out with it is pretty surface level.I could get a girlfriend tomorrow but the I do not usually feel a real connection with women. Someone I really like who I was supposed to hang out with today bailed on me and I am starting to feel hopeless. I do not know how to maintain conversations thru texts, I put so much energy into being sociable in real life settings I forgot how to be able to text people.Maybe I should focus more on where I am professionally in life but I just want people who I get along with.I feel like I missed everything, the highschool, college experience. everyone is getting married and starting careers, and having kids and I still do not even know what I want to do in life. I know I cannot give up but this is not what I thought my life would be like at 27. I am really starting to struggle with what is the point of even fighting anymore? This is such an empty existence. Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?",Depression +16198,"There is nothing I can offer that a younger version cannot do better.Why would anybody want me?I would not.I am 20lbs from being visible to the eyeAnd even then they will look and scrutinize and decide, as always, that I am only a maybe.They can all do better, and the bloom is off the roseI cannot fuck your masters degreeBut most importantly, hot.she is a 10 broNone of it matters. Its all a lie.They are the judge and jury and you need to stop aiming for this imaginary bullshit goal. Look around and realize your goal is sitting next to you.Using it as target practice. detach emotionally for when you get to college you are ready to vet candidates Make yourself perfect. Highlight your hair, commit to an active exercise, do your nails, spray tan (stay out of the sun!), whiten your teeth. Most importantly, sort your personality. Model yourself after the beautiful girls. You do not have to be in the preppy clique or rich. Often the best guys are not in those clubs. But they are confident that they are hot and everybody likes them. Learn to be that way and dress that way, your life depends on it.I want to go back and tell my stupid self to go to activities in college and meet people outside my major. To stop doing what everybody else was doing because it what was expected, and fuck them and go look for a boyfriend.Even my broken 5/10 self might have been able to find one and then Id be in a better situation.If I could go talk to her now Id say Its a racket. They are assholes now and they are even bigger assholes once you graduate. You will have success and everybody will be proud of you and you will be fucking miserable every step of the way. These are not your friends. Just quit!Take advantage of this and start running. Just run or something.Then go out, or go to the events, or sit in the cafeteria and listen to music and cry. Literally do anything. Just try to meet boys. The most important thing you need to switch your focus to is meeting a guy. Nobody has ever talked to you about this before.You are the most attractive you will ever be. Your primary goal needs to be making a guy feel special. Get your head straight so you can do that. Stop everything else and do that.I would give everything to go back and do it all over the right way. I do not deserve love",Suicidal +16199,"I am just saying this because i see alot of post on here with people saying that everyone around them keeps telling them stuff like ""just cheer up"" or ""you have no reason to be sad you are young"" etc.I am only speaking for myself but i honestly see it as a waste of time to vent to people that are that damn dumb and lack empathy and emotional intelligence. there is literally nothing contructive they can give you. Not even an empathetic ear. Not to mention in all fairness people have problems of their own and i do not want to weigh them down with my own negativity. The world does not revolve around me.So i only share with pros or people i know for a fact have a high emotional IQ and do not mind listeneing. I have pretty much ghosted all the people in my life that lacked empathy too. Felt very good. Looking for opinions -- should we really be venting to people in our lives with low emotional IQ and who do not understand the least about mental illness?",Depression +16200,I am currently the most depressed I have ever been and super super suicidal. Long story short my mental health has just been steadily declining through the pandemic and I am at the point where I am trying desperately to get into some type of treatment facility. Getting evaluated by a psych on Monday. I also started Zoloft 5 weeks ago and am at the point where its only made me worse. But I am just trying to tough it out for a week or so more bc I know it could turn around and really do not want to have suffered through the past month for nothing. I am not going to hurt myself but I am so so suicidal and cannot stop thinking about killing myself because of how depressed I am. I know I am beginning to take steps but nothing can really be done that quickly and I just need these thoughts to quiet down a little in the mean time. I am just so fucking tired and really wish I could disappear. The only thing that makes it better is weed but that is relegated to the night time as I have temporarily moved back home and my family is keeping a close eye on me. I think they would judge if they saw me smoking in the afternoon. Its really really hard for me to do anything because I am so depressed so activity based remedies are difficult. I am basically at the point where I do not mind disassociating because everything feels so painful most of the time and it kind of numbs me. Please help. Tired,Suicidal +16201,"Well, not all entirely. I have a few dishes I still like to some extent or a few delivery spots but I am talking in general. Tasting food ranges from uh, its okay at best and wow, I feel stupid for eating this, it gave me no satisfaction and I just wasted money and health.Interestingly, my body seems to like foods I cannot eat out of health or preference reasons: Milk products. Absolutely anything with milk is usually to my liking but I should not be eating it. I am using gluten and lactose pills which help but sometimes do not. At worst I get the bloaty stomach but recently I have not been getting it even if Id eat something really milky. Meat. I am 105 pounds of weight and would like to stay there but without meat I do not feel satisfied. Sweets - my favorite thing to make is a sandwich with chocolate paste and banana on dark rye bread. I have had some people surprised by the speed at which I eat sweets, lol. And they rarely satisfy me unless its a good portion which is not good knowing my size. But here is the catch - often the same type of food product I used to like absolutely tastes like nothing to me. I think this thing with me loosing mood if I do not eat well is from my grandfather. I inherited a lot of his body issues. And as for being a snob, I guess its just my complex of a village bumpkin. Used to be in a village of third world country, then a city and now I am in a bumpkin area of a more advanced country.. possibly having to go back soon. All Food Tastes The Same To Me and It Kind of Ruins My Mood. Also Feel Like a Snob",Depression +16202,I am just sitting on my bed trying to disassociate so I do not have to feel anything. If I can just control my body then I do not have to feel pain. I also cannot talk to anyone. No one wants to see my self pity or hear what I have to say. I just have to remain calm. My emotions do not help anyone. I would not mind taking a vow of silence. I feel like the key is to also think silence. Just wait the surges of pain out and do not tell anyone. Trying to stay still,Suicidal +16203,"I want to kms but i do not want my family to found my body and cry about that. I cry thinking how Ill ruin my family if they found me dead, but i do not want to keep living I wish there was other way",Suicidal +16204,"So this year I turn 18 in just 4 1/2 months. and to tell the truth I am sitting on a time bomb. I am an impulsive liar. have been forever I am not going to justify it like I have a plan when i do it, i lie about everything from things as mundane as what time I did something to as extreme as what grade I am in. my parents think I am going to be a senior this year, I never even passed my first math class and the only reason I got through after the third time is because they passed everyone when the virus turned up.it is clawing at me every day. hell I am not even enrolled this year. i lied about showing up to my classes bullshitted my way through a whole year playing video games instead of doing school work. I have always been told that ""if you will not do this then what tells you you will do your work?"" I have always justified it with ""I would get paid to do work so I would do it."" the thing is even if that is true what the fuck does it mater if the earliest i can graduate is by the time I am drinking age?Every day I am stuck thinking in the morning the same damn thoughts ""what am i doing with my life?"" EVERY FUCKING DAY. I KEEP WAKING UP AND THINKING THAT EVERY TIME I GO TO PLAY GAMES..... it is the only thing i enjoy. I am not even sure I am having fun anymore i just do not know how to do anything else. I have tried going outside taking the dog for a walk and a bunch of other things but none of that gets to the heart of the problem. I am actively avoiding work of any kind. I mentioned a time bomb earlier, what I meant was in 1 1/2 months my parents will find that i did not sign up for classes and probably that I did not even get higher then a 30 for the year in any of my classes last year.I am t1 diabetic so sometimes at night I get dark thoughts when my head is not on straight. I will think ""all it would take is some sleeping pills and I could OD on insulin. I would go into a coma in my bed and probably die before anybody noticed because I am known to sleep sometimes to 3pm. it would be so easy and the only thing holding me back is knowing that my friends and family would be sad, but what happens when they realize that I am nothing. I manipulate people into liking me but never do any work. I can already see the kind of person I am turning into and I do not like what I am staring at.I would live off handouts, like a leech. so I am stuck thinking ""what is better I die while they think that i was just suicidal or when they realize that my lies go deeper. how far do I let them see before just ending it all to avoid confrontation. I have always had suicidal thoughts ever since I was 12. but it is never been this intense for this long. I know if I could think straight I could think of something but I cannot because every time i start thinking on things I come back to this. panicked and thinking of suicide. I do not want to kill myself I am firmly atheist and I do not expect anything other then eternal rest after I die.I do the stupidest things to try and fix my depression which is the only word I have for this besides maybe intense stress. I thought if I tried to be social and friendly, tried to be the ""funny guy"" that as time went on I would get better. Tried getting in better shape to see if everything else would follow starting with better hygiene. tried getting back in touch with close friends. nothing worked, it only served as a distraction...If I had to name the worse thing in all of this though. it is that I am not having fun anymore. maybe that is why I started lying, tricking people is fun. Now though I am not having fun anymore I have lied myself into a corner and got to claw my way out. I have spent the past 6 months playing games to ignore my responsibilities, and for 6 months it worked. hell it might even work for 2 more but... passed that this will all collapse. it will just be yelling and screaming. and i do not know what I will do when that comes, but considering where my thoughts are even now. i doubt it is something smart.To tell the truth I am pretty sure I wrote this for pity, it is all true but I am not looking for solutions. I already know them. ""Tell your parents about the classes, contact the school to sign up for classes, and work your ass off so you pass."" It all works out so well. easy solution to mundane problem. I am an asshole I know I am. but I am an asshole with shame so I will admit the truth. I do not fix my life because I am a lazy piece of shit that does not like putting forth any effort to live better, I am what happens when you live your life with all play no work and no money to back it. maybe one day I will be a door to door salesman and piss you all off.Sorry bout all that it is been a long night and I am thinking bad thoughts. going to go sleep on how stupid it was to post my situation on the internet. Tell me your thought's on my situation I tend to overlook other solutions once I have one in my headTLDR: lazy piece of shit wants pity for being a lazy piece of shit. My story I guess",Suicidal +16205,"I have been through some terrible things. I have put other people through terrible things. I cannot escape my childhood and my emotional stunting that followed. I was in therapy and was on medication for awhile. I stopped both because I thought I genuinely felt better. I really thought I did...Then a reminder of the most recent giant explosion of drama that initially had nothing to do with me but then dragged my life to hell popped up again...and I went right back to considering ending it all. it is not that I feel lonely. I have some people that care about me. it is not that I do not believe life has been good to me. Sure, it is been rough but it is been so bad for others and I have had a lot of privilege in my life. it is not really a cry for help, I do not think...I think I want someone to agree with me and tell me I am making sense but I do not know what I would say if someone asked me how they could help ... In reality, they cannot.it is just...I want who I am and what I have been through to die. I want to release my pain and the pain I have caused others. I want the word to forget that I ever existed. I want to end it Help? I think?",Suicidal +16206,"I was on Zoloft for about 2 years. I just recently tapered off of it. I stopped taking it for good early June. Lately, I have been feeling so empty. Like something in me is just missing. Nothing makes me happy. I try so hard to do all the right things. I am a psychology major so Id like to say I know what to do. I just cannot make myself do it. I have these bad thoughts in my head that in try to suppress but they keep coming back up. Does anyone here relate and can give some advice on how to feel better? Thanks in advance Reoccurring depression or personality trait?",Depression +16207,I really need someone to tell me its going to be okay. I really need someone to tell me its going to be okay. I feel really lonely tonight. Extra lonely and scared and existential. Its eating me up. I want to cry. Scared and Lonely,Depression +16208,"Hello everyone, my father have suffered from severe depression and aggressive behaviour since his father passed away, things have started to get worse and worse time by time, he does not want to go to an specialist to get treatment, he is treating his own family like garbage, today he told me and my siblings to fuck off , he was tired of living with us and being un happy , i feel so bad an guilty because i want him to feel better, but everytime i try to , he pushes me away and hurts me a lot, he treats me like shit, but is ny father i cannot leave him this way. I just want to know what to do.. he just does not want to accept any professional help, and he is blaming us for being unhappy ,also he is very controlling, he does not want us to have any social media, he keeps threatening my mom with leaving us, and he plays the victim everytime.I am very sad and depressed seeing my family like this all sad, i just need an advicewhat can i do to make him see his faults and behave better, or even go to therapy? How can I help a person with depression ?",Depression +16209,"i do not feel good at all. I feel so tired and i just want to feel okay at least. I hate feeling happy and the feeling leaving so fucking quick, i hate it so much. I want to kill myself but i do not want to harm my dad like that. And for my mom, i do not really feel like she will care. she is lied about me so many times and has treated me so badly that i just want her to hug me and tell me she is proud of me. Which i know will not happen but i wish it would. Like i want to be okay and celebrate my 15th happy , i do not want to wish it to be my last. I really just want to feel okay. hey um",Suicidal +16210,"I lived a normal life, that was until 6th grade. Life spiraled downhill. My friends abused me and made me feel terrible, I still feel their impact. My mom is against therapy and will not let me attend. I am stuck to calling hotlines that at the most talk me down. However I can never manage to actually tell the hotlines my problems. I turned to music and I found comfort in songs talking about suicide. My R is a song about suicide and it is my most played song. My friends can see my played songs since we added each other on Spotify and they ask if I am okay and I cannot bring myself to say yes. I want people to notice that something is wrong but at the same time I do not. My parents are always fighting and dragging me in. They use me to tear the other one down. I am so done. I literally keep pills in my room in case I ever need a fast way out. Kids at school hate me for being withdrawn. I am a social outcast and no matter what I do I cannot fit in. I am so done I am so fucking done",Suicidal +16211,"I have done so much to get here. Financially stable, 7/10 in looks, fit and healthy. I thought Id be happy. I am not. I kept trying to think things will be different. Thinking that is it, I have made it. But its not enough. I kept being betrayed and used. I feel so dumb and vulnerable. I wish I was anyone but myself. People like me gets sacrificed in movies so other people can live better lives. Is being nice a sin? A sign to other people that you are available to be used and abused? Taken advantage of? I never learn my lesson. I keep giving people second, third chances. I am so tired. Things are no better than they were 10, 15, 20 years ago. Its time to stop trying. Time to end it all. The more you have means you have more to lose. there is no point in any of it. Responsible Suicide",Suicidal +16212,"I am very bored of life at my 20s, so many years doing the same, just breathing with 0 interest to follow the human social structure (born > grow > work > get a girlfriend > reproduce > work > die) I am very tired to continue, there is a lot of irrelevant things that I do not matter. My existence is the result of ignorance and ego of the human being, I am not special, just a genetic algorithm running in auto mode. Our lives are a constant loop...I remember my feelings since kid, questioning my existence and that I should not be here because there is no real purpose and I do not fit in this reality.I learned a lot in this life and reached a high education level fortunately, I enjoyed the books I read while pursuing my search in complete solitude, I am proud of me creating light and purpose when there was not, supressed all aspirations and roots on this earth because I know that nothing matters, all of this will be forgotten in thousands of years, this fragment of galaxy will collapse one day, humanity too.20 years walking and preparing the path of death, now I am ready to leave my physical body. I am happy because I know I will end it soon and it will be a honorable death for me. No suicide note, nothing to say nor leave, just a mysterious and clean death that no one around me could have expect of me and they will not understand because they cannot see in deep.Hope for you, dear reader~ Eating popcorn & enjoying last moments as an spectator while seeing my life ending slowly... I know how my life ends soon, I am happy because there is the only purpose that it makes sense.",Suicidal +16213,"Most of us suffer from depression because we cannot find the motivation to get everyday play the game.We are unable to pretend that the shit we do has some sort of discernable meaning.Consider this--Most places on this earth still has -----> Babies being abused, kids with cancer, war, famine, disease, mass suffering to innocent people etc""mentally healthy"" people have fooled themselves into thinking their days have meaning, the fact that they have married and had kids is unique and that their career is truly special.Literally every single bit of it that they work so very hard for, that keeps them motivated, that they think makes them special and unique -----will be taken from them with time. Every single bit of it. The entire knowledge of their existence of 99 percent of people will be erased within 2 generations.On top of that we have no idea what in the afterlife. It could be an even worse set up where we end up.LOLNow that makes me laugh and feel good. One thing that does make me slightly happy is how ""mentally healthy"" people are just as doomed and f**ked as we are. Let me explain.",Depression +16214,"I WILL PRAY EVERYDAY THAT ALL HUMANS ON THIS PLANET GET CANCER AND DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. I HATE HATE HATE ALL HUMANS ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER, FUCK THAT BITCH SHE CAN GET RAPED!!!! I REALLY WANT TO SHOOT UP A SCHOOL AND TAKE THESE POOR KIDS OFF THIS FUCKING PLANET!!! [SERIOUS] I HATE HUMANS!",Suicidal +16215,"My relationship with my family. We do talk but I feel like my sister especially does not give me much respect and can be quite insulting. My in laws can be very overbearing and bossy. Having to work in general I struggle with and even after years I find it makes my life miserable (I know Id feel the same in any job). Always running out of money too soon. I hate myself sometimes because I do not have a very strong personality (in an assertive way) and I am lazy. When I start to show more confidence people just take it as a sign of mania and give me a hard time about it. I just feel like a pathetic person sometimes because I struggle with life stuff and I find it hard to get on with others a lot. I feel so passive and weak. Part of me just wants to escape. There is good in my life but I think I take it for granted. I have a fianc, a house, a dog but its hard to think going to work is worth it. I do not want more than what I have I just want to improve myself to become an improved version of myself without manic accusations. I feel like I am living in some weird dystopian film. Everything seems a bit shitty",Depression +16216,"I have been very active here recently but having somewhere to vent, somewhere where I do not feel alone makes the feeling alot easier on me I guess. This is not entirely related to the post, I just wanted to express my appreciation for this subreddit. Its helped me alot.That being said I just saw a post on here, someone talking about being ""snapped out of it"" because they realized how much it would hurt their kid and it made me think about why I have not done it yet.My two brothers. One older than me and one younger than me. The older one tells me all the time that when I was born it snapped him out of suicide. His attempts were stopped by me crying as a baby, or even when I annoyed him he still loved me and wanted to stick around to see me happy or even just to annoy me. My younger brother has never expressed the desire to kill himself to me before, like I did to my older brother brother; but I have similar reasons. Truthfully, I like to fuck with him. Sometimes the funniest part of my day is me walking into his room, flicking his forehead and walking out. he is one of the funniest people I know and I know my death would ruin him. I have two sisters, neither if them are super in my life so I do not know for sure how my death would impact them but it helps to think they would be devastated too. I have a niece. she is a year and 7 months old and she is the cutest thing to exist. She cannot talk but I love my moments of communication with her. We play games together even though she cannot speak. Some sort of variation of simon says where she waves her arms and claps her hands wanting me to copy her. Sometimes she will turn of the tv when I am watching and look at me and laugh at me. Sometimes she does things and when I tell her to stop she looks at me and does it anyway. I want to see her grow up. she is so smart right now and I love how she is right now and I want to see her get older and I want to tell her stories about right now and show her videos of how she liked to just fuck with her aunt or how she would kiss her reflection.Sometimes this does not work. Sometimes I relish in the feeling that if I did commit suicide right now, people would be devastated. Sometimes I feel like that is the only time I will be loved by everyone unconditionally, and I feel like at my funeral, when it finally sets in, everyone will realize what they did wrong and feel remorse. Sometimes I think that if I died right now maybe in the afterlife I will have everything I want, including what makes me happy now. Maybe if I just did it I could have my cake and eat it too.This is a hard reason to have, because sometimes its my reason for wanting to kill myself and sometimes its my reason for staying alive. I want a better reason. I wish this was not my only reason but its kept me here for 9 years. Maybe if I had a better reason, the 9 years would finally be over and I could just live and be happy but for now I guess it will do. I wish I could find a better reason but if it works it works I guess.",Suicidal +16217,"People say suicide is a solution to an temporary problem but that is not always the case. I will never be able to undo the sexual and physical abuse in my childhood. I can spend the rest of my life trying to manage that. I contacted a severe case of HSV from sleeping around (definitely related to the childhood stuff). I can spend the rest of my life trying to manage that. I tried to kill myself with a belt when i was nine. Every day I wish I succeeded. I cannot connect with other people in a way feels meaningful to me. I know other people appreciate my presence because they say so. But when its up to me I spend most of my time alone.It is more selfish for others to force you to stay on this burning, greed driven planet than to end your suffering. Especially as climate and capitalism wreak more havoc we will see an increase. This will not be uncommon anymore My problems are permanent",Suicidal +16218,"I am going down. That annoying suicidal spiral. Old times are back. I just want to vanish without a trace. it is so hard not to harm myself. Why would I keep myself away from self harm? it is how I express my stress. Keeping my feelings inside is not going to do anything but harm. I do not care about physical wounds. My mind is blind. I just want to let something happen and make it ""accidental"". I do not know. I just want to disappear It hurts",Suicidal +16219,I want this to be as easy as possible for my family. Should I leave a suicide note,Depression +16220,"I really want to commit mass murder right now and kill so many pathetic bags of parasitic meat called people. FUCK society and its ""standards"" I will do whatever the fuck I want to. And i really cannot stand humans so, i want to destroy their nasty bodies. I want to kill humans.",Suicidal +16221,I wanted to kill myself but I could not get myself to do it but cutting is just a step closer to my end goal and progress is progress got to look on the positive side right? I cut myself again after over half a year,Suicidal +16222,Fuck that stupid whore. I hope she along with every other parent out there gets cancer and dies a long and slow death. My mother is a stupid bitch that i hope gets raped. How dare she put me on this fucking planet. I swear to god i am going to go out and commit mass murder RIGHT NOW!!!! [SERIOUS] I will hope my mother gets cancer and dies.,Suicidal +16223,just a matter of when and how. but are not no way I am doing this shit for another year. i already got my suicidal notes ready. i already know I am going to kill myself and I have decided on it,Suicidal +16224,"I do not want to be seen as the weak girl who could not cut it. I want to die ""naturally,"" you know?A car swerves into my lane. A surprise brain aneurysm. Some deadly illness. SOMETHING to get me out of here.That way my death will be seen as a tragedy instead of a cop out. I do not want to kill myself... but I want to die.",Suicidal +16225,"Its been a really tough couple weeks. I am stuck at my parents for the summer. 2 weeks ago I went out to see my friends in person for the first time since the pandemic, and that was great, but they only had a little bit of time for me because they were all hanging out with their girlfriends and the other stuff we need to do with our lives. Since coming back to my parents I have just felt so isolated and more alone than ever. I do not know anyone here my age and there is no real way for me to meet people. The only thing open like that is bars rn and I have anxiety problems and I am also embarrassed about being stuck at my parents.Idk. I just feel so isolated. This new more acute loneliness is really hitting me hard on top of the usual fear that Ill be alone forever romantically since I am 22 year old guy and never dated despite my best attempts. If anyone wants to talk, that would be really nice. Feeling incredibly lonely recently",Depression +16226,"depression, you cannot go over it or under it; you can only go through it. but each step you take forward brings you closer to the end random depressing thought",Depression +16227,"I will never be able to find a passion again.I am in jail with freedom aka home.Streams start to dwindle, content begins to fade away.Changes for the better or for the worse ?Right now, I am bewildered.Idk if i will get a job in august but i know its going to be a really tough month if i cannot get something to do or earn moneyFucking shitSometimes, i wish i was dead. No hope",Depression +16228,"This cycle of isolation will never end unless I make myself vulnerable or numb neither of which I am very good at doing and therefore, there seems to be only one logical end. The only thing holding me back is my mother and sister who have already been through so much already that I am afraid I would break them and therefore have another thing to feel guilty about. Hopeless",Suicidal +16229,"I have planned it, I am writing my note. i know where I am going to do it, all i have to do is wait to get out of stupid lockdown so i cannot take the first train to the cliff. i will not fail this time bye lol",Suicidal +16230,"Briefly, all I want in life is pleasure. All the time. It does not matter where it comes from: games, videos, music, conversations, sex, trying new stuff.If I work or go to the gym I feel like shit because I just want some stimulus. While I am doing this, I daydream a lot about stuff that makes me ... I would not say happy, getting pleasure I guess. I tend to obsess about things for a while like a game and think about it for the entire day until I get sick of it or lose interest.it is complicated because I do not want to live like this, on this useless cycle. But I also do not want to be a conformist who only work and have no time for fun. ""Too busy to feel bored."" Yeah, no. I want my life to be pure ""ecstasy."" that is the only interesting life I can see. If I cannot have that, then I would prefer to never been born. Is this depression?",Depression +16231,"First where we are at:Focused on what others can do to meFocused on others thoughts on meFocused on what they can take from meFocused on what I do not knowIts fear: the unknowns that also pose a threat to something important to us. Fear maybe makes you isolate. Its understandable. If you isolate, and stay to yourself, maybe you also struggle with the thoughts that you are not important to others or even wanted. It may be natural to go to, but its destructive, because its a symptom that feeds the sickness. There is a deeper meaning. Isolation is protection from fear.Social anxiety is a burden. It weighs down on you. Plus, you are cut off from people, so it can be hard to find relief when there are not a lot of people close enough to you to see the struggle.We now understand what it is, and we know its not good, many people like us struggle out there. So now let us think of the opposite, not fear but love.I know this might be hard, because maybe if I love someone, when they leave it hurts more. Connection is important to me, and I do not want to lose it when its that close to me. But I do not think we need that scarcity mentality. I think, to have the connection we want to consume, we should make it ourselves. Be the manufacturer of love, whether deep family, to light friendly, if we make it, we ourselves will have plenty.So now our mindset is on others, but why? Well, we know how it feels, and others suffer like we do. We can become the person we never had. We are capable of drawing out the deep things from others. We understand them. Are you aware that most people struggle from social anxiety to some degree? Everyone is afraid, even the loud and obnoxious people we tend to avoid. Listen, people NEED you. You come with a unique life. Unique set of gifts, talents, perspectives, and experiences. You can go after connection, and it can be deep, or it can be chill or it can be fun. You want to make a connection that leaves you both feeling like someone saw you today.With humility, others are more important compared to yourself. You put it there, not them. Allow you to change your mindset to focus on yourself and how you may look to them. Be there for them the way you wanted for you. Know what you wanted, what you looked for.The characteristics of love are patience and kindness, no envy, nor boastful, nor arrogance, nor rude, nor self-seeking, nor irritable, nor grudges. Walk into a social situation convinced that you are kind and patient as others may also feel out of place. Your not there to build yourself up or make an image for yourself. Be prepared to count others as more important, giving them the focus and not the focus on how they experience you.I already love you guys, we are alike. I give this out of love. My teacher definitely did, and he taught me well. He said you cannot add moments to your lifespan by worrying. He said do not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. My teacher provided this for me, and I wanted him to provide this for you guys also The Cure for Anxiety",Depression +16232,"We do not have many options and she is getting older, along with struggling with her own mental health problems. I am not strong enough either to do what is needed to help her, instead, I am hurting her because I cannot hold my OCD back anymore and find a better paying job. My only option is continue down this path or kill myself. This all happened because of money and her struggling as a single parent. She says all the time nowadays that she should have never had me. Maybe things would have been better that way. My Mom Keeps Telling Me My Mental Health Is Going To Kill Her",Suicidal +16233,"I use to have care for others and their opinions. I use to be do nice things like help homeless. The world has shown me that most people are selfish. Not just people but animals too.I have become detached emotionally. I only seek to please myself. If it helps, figure out the type of person I was or am, cheesy but I am something mbti calls an INFJ. I think others would take it negatively because me being selfish does not have any benefit for them. People are selfish. If it negatively effects them, they care but if it does not, then they do not care. I have been nice my whole life. It does not get you anywhere. And I do not say this out of being mean but it does not. My advice to anyone would be to be selfish because you are the only one who truly cares about what your desires are. If you do not do it, no one will. Of course this does not include pretty girls because a guy sees the benefits of fucking her and so he will go out of his way to accomplish this. But this still is within selfish intent. I am starting to not care.",Depression +16234,"Do i count? I mean, I have taken many online quizzes and they all say severe depression, are those real? Hey...?",Depression +16235,i have severe depression and go months without brushing it- my hair is extremely thick and wavy this results it it becoming giant clumps covering my head going to the root usually i can get them out in a few hours with lots of product and brushing w the help of someone but I have tried multiple times with this bunch and have not been able to do anything except make it into some smaller chunks- i know the easy answer would be to just shave my head (very close to doing so) or just learning to brush my hair like a normal person but its really not that simple for me- i just would like advice or recommendations on products or items that would be great for getting my hair untangled- and protection styles/items/products/etc. for it to maybe help with it to not happen as much or when it does it does not completely destroy my hair and make it feel dead. please any advice is truly appreciated! help with depression hair,Depression +16236,I am so scared to fall asleep because my mind wonders for that 15 minutes of trying to fall asleep before I actually do. I hate hearing my thoughts. They are so mean to me. They tell me I am ugly and fat. They tell me I need to do more. They tell me I should not be this tired I am not even doing enough. I wish I could be held like a child again. When was the last time I was truly happy? I am so tired but I cannot sleep,Depression +16237,I just am. I cannot stop thinking about hurting myself and I am too afraid to hospitalize myself because of the cost. I do not know what to do. I do not even want to tell my friends and loved ones about it. I am scared that I am going to hurt myself,Depression +16238,went from being absolutely fucking miserable to not being able to feel anything at all. i cut myself twice as often now just to feel something for once. spend all my days sleeping and trying to force myself to care about my life. everything feels pointless and i do not feel like i have much longer to live. I am not afraid of death anymore and could not care about my family or friends even if i wanted to antidepressants,Depression +16239,"To whomever it may or may not concern,I am sorry I am not very much myself at all. This is not me. For which I mean to say, I have seen better days, felt more like me...had a heartbeat with more lightness in it. If you are looking for someone to blame for it, it seems apparent to blame me. After all, I have no one to pin this on, except myself. And it has taken me years to accept that it might just be my fault anyway...not a factor of different traumas, and past abuse...not a lack of understanding the cruelty of the world around me and discovering dissapointment like I discovered my own talents......me....this is all my fault...for being the way I am...for making you all worry and look at me with bewilderment and disinterest...I do not blame you...I have blamed myself for years for it...I think I still do. But, just know that for each and every punishment I receive, self inflicted, my faults are being corrected. that is why I am in this cage you see. that is why I cannot come out...I have tossed out the key, so I would not think to ask for it. And now, I just wait here...in the darkness. I wait for the end. But it will not come. Of course not...I am in a cage. Nothing can get in here to kill me...except for myself. Oh do not worry my friends. I will not do anything too bad. Certainly will not leave without telling you all first...though it is tempting to. After all...did you really remember me when I was gone for all those years?...perhaps, you thought of me, every so often. Maybe there was something in your day, a voice, a joke, a toy, a song, a movie, that reminded you of me. That put a smile on your face, thinking of the good times we shared together...a nice afternoon in the summer, sharing ice cream....a pizza party with a game of hide and go seek.....a sleepover with pajamas and board games....maybe video games and anime....maybe a friendly dinner and a walk through the town....I miss those times too. But they are all over. Dead and still, only living in our minds. I want to join those memories, but I cannot you say, not when I can make new menories...not while I can have better times.But to be honest...from this cage of mine, I do not see how I can. So I sit and lie down and roll around...clutching the memories I have. I am not brave enough to ask you all for more. I am not brave enough to welcome new ones. I have...been stripped of my courage. I am naked. Cold and silent. Unable to cry for help...like a fish out of water. I am only able to struggle in my suffocation...I am drying out...I gaze up and away...I lay still. I want to give up. I need someone to return me to myself again. I do not ask you to do this for me. I am a slippery fish. I am an unwilling victim of self-awareness. I will resist and bite and run. I will run. I will hide....I am afflicted by something that prevents me from getting rid of it, little by little...and it is powerful. It grips me with a vice, and uses my stripped courage as a trophy to intimidate me. it is a monster. And it is myself. I am it is underling. I serve it, and obey it is command....and the orders are killing me.Soon I will not be so alone my friends. I might not be anything. Or I might have company. I might actually be understood. I am sorry I am so presumptuous in assuming that you do not understand me, but...that is simply what this monster tells me. Each and every one of you I know, has problems. Has struggles. Has traumas. I do not understand them...so why would you understand mine? Not while I see your shining lives and sunny faces convey a message of health to me, that I am distant from. I lament my ignorance and my innocence, though I try to hold onto what is left of it is destroyed remains. I have cried, and grieved over the places I used to go for comfort, no longer welcome to me. I have nothing....I have...no one...because of this cage. Please, you need not claim your loyal hold on our friendship and make the effort to be there. I would think the world of it...and I would also panic immensely about it. My trust, having been shaken so much, I worry that I will not have much trust left if I give it away so freely. It must hurt to hear from me that I cannot put my trust in you....I am sorry....I do not mean to hurt you. I only mean to push you away, and to reject your kind words and thoughts and gestures...so I can stay in this dark. So you cannot take me away from the monster trying to kill me. I just want to make you leave me alone, so I can help this cursed monster spread into you. I need to deterr you from helping me, even though your help is something that will save my life. I need to keep you from caring about me because if I do not...I am going to feel like a total, parasitic burden. I am going to feel it all at once...I am going to break down, into the soft-fleshed, vulnerable, delicate little creature I am. There will be nothing to keep you from hurting me the most, and I will be in such as state the likes of which has not been seen. I will need comfort, and if I go without it, I will be hurt just as much as if you would step on me. I will be helpless. I will be weeping rivers. All the anger, and loneliness and years of loathing and self-pity will come in a wave so large I will catch a cold from the tears I leave behind. I am in pain to tell you this...but I know you do not need this in your life. You do not need to help me. You do not need to care. You do not need to feel so sorry. I know you have better things to do. You have people that care for you more than I do. You have lives to live. You have things to look forward to. You must. Because I do too. I just cannot see them from where I am.Dear friends...I hope maybe I can see you again someday. I hope I can make you proud someday. I hope you understand...I wish I could be myself with you again... Dear Friends : A Letter of Self Remorse",Depression +16240,"It took year 30 to accept that i was depressed for most of my 20s. I did not work, very over weight, i laid on a makeshift bed on the floor all day and night, went no contact with the very little friends i had, hoping for the day i had the courage to finish it....but I never questioned why i felt like this. One day my mom took me to Mexico, because apparently i had black magic casted on me.....total BS in my opinion, but.......but that trip was the breath of fresh air i need, because I final understood and accepted that I was depressed.....I had a sickness that can be cured (mananged really, to be honest I still have stints of depression, but mostly the physical aspect no negative thoughts). I have a decent life: good job, own place/car, still working on the weight loss, but I am doing my best with the extra years I was given on that trip to Mexico. People always ask the question: what would you do if you could back in time? Obviously, never going to happen. The closest to this is that if a younger person than me reads this and feels how i felt: Its okay to admit and accept that you have depression, because that is the first step to recovery, do not feel ashamed: admission is the first step. First step is admission",Depression +16241,"I have not been to the dentist in two years because of the pandemic, and then the pandemic bankrupted me, and now I have a cracked tooth. I either go to the doctor and do not eat anymore, or I wait and it maybe gets worse. Insurance will not do anything. I can barely work because I am so depressed. I am halfway through my vaccination. it is like I got one thing starting to go right but it is always this, two big open jaws ready to close around me whenever I go one step in the right direction.I do not know how I am going to survive. Financial ruin and I am ruined.",Suicidal +16242,"I destroyed my relationships by telling them about my self harm and wanting to kms, they called me an attention seeking little bitch. I want so badly for them to know I am not I want to kill myself to show my friends I am not just being an attention whore",Suicidal +16243,"I am currently sitting on the ledge of a bridge, as I am writing this. I am thinking about killing myself, there is really no way around it. Nothing makes me truly happy anymore except a few simple things. Sometimes I am happy while talking to my dad, the rest of my life seems to be pointless, this is because I have never truly been happy, sure I have liked girls and I have done many things in life that others may never get to do, additionally I would also say I come from a wealthy family. The problem always seems to be that nothing is fun,(I have been thinking about it for quite some time now), but there was always something that kept me going i do not now what it was and I do not think I ever will. I really want to jump I really do. For some reason I cannot feel fun anymore I try everything I tried to gamble, spend time with family, spend time with friends, make money. Eventually my mind has a way of making it all frustrating to the point where I just want to off myself. It truly is simple math if I am not happy most of my life what would be the point in living it. Just not to die? because I think that is a very illogical way to think. And some might say its the little moments that count but they really do not, the truth is if I am spending most of my life being frustrated or sad there is no point in living it. I do not want to get help, I do not want to be medicated I feel as it would take emotion from my life, I definitely prefer to be frustrated and sad than mundane.I am sorry if this is badly written I am just writing my thoughts -nicko I am sorry I know my problems are not as bad as everyone elses here.",Suicidal +16244,I cannot keep living like this there is no point to living anymore life is not going to get better so I am going to go and kill my self because whatever after death has to be better than this I am done,Suicidal +16245,"My girlfriend is being abused and cannot comfort me right now its been months and we still have not spent any time together or do literally anything for my birthday. I had to ask her to actually ask me if I am ok and she admitted she forgets. I cannot vent to her or she gets overwhelmed because she is dealing with so much of her own shit I feel like I have no one to vent to, my therapist said something that really hurt me and therapy just makes me feel pained Maybe the reason I need to vent to people is to feel validated or some shit because I felt like my trauma was never validated as a child. Being alone is one of the worst things for meI wish I had someone with me to hold me, to kiss my scars and tell me they will protect me like no one did when I was a child. If I make enough scars people womt be able to ignore them I am thinking of offing myself I know I would tear my friends and family up logically , but my brain will not stop feeding me the thoughts of how worthless and alone I am. Recovery is hard when no one sees you If you read this, thank you for giving a shit for a minute, feel free to put me out of your mind forever knowing your life would not be affected by this Recovery is hard when no one sees you.",Suicidal +16246,"25f I have been in this depression episode for 7 months now, and I have realized I have not been able to feel anger. I typically have terrible road rage but now nope. Just sad or do not care. In the past I think anger is what has kept me from my depression/helped me get out of it. I was able to be angry enough at being sad that it somehow motivated me to be happy? Anyway, doing everything right in terms of getting out this (exercise, eating well, therapy, meds) just do not see an end in sight. Wondering if anyone else has had this issue tho? My only feelings seem to be sadness and apathy. I wish I could feel anger",Depression +16247,I do not know if its tomorrow or in a year but I know that Ill kill myself eventually. I need to accept that I am going to die via suicide one way or another.,Suicidal +16248,"it is so frustrating.Everything feels dry, meaningless, pointless, gray, dull... so many other words can describe it.I just want to die. If nothing is interesting anymore, what is the point anymore? what is the point of life if you are not enjoying it? I thought I would always have video games to enjoy but I just do not enjoy them any longer. I cannot bring myself to play anything. I am getting more irritable too. I am just so frustrated that nothing fucking clicks with me any longer. So irritable that little things annoy me. Like dropping my phone. Or waiting for the bathroom. Someone saying they did not like something about a game I like. I get irrationally angry. it is nothing like me. I do not want to be this way.Tell me - how do you guys cope and deal with this grayness that anhedonia brings? How do you deal with anhedonia?",Depression +16249,Sleeping is not as fun anymore. it is just a time travel to another day of agony. Another day of intense suicidal and intrusive thoughts. Intense anxiety. No one to make me feel worthy since I am annoyingly codependent and cannot do it for myself.Sleeping just means I will wake up. And waking up means I suffer once again Scared to sleep. Scared to wake up.,Suicidal +16250,"I have received help from many on this app,but did not follow through. I am deciding to ramp up the stress in order to build up the courage to end it. I am so lonely and sad and I do not know how to talk about. I do not want to try anymore. I just want to die and be done with it all. That times seems to be approaching soon since I am becoming comfortable with parting ways with this shitshow of a life. I am glad that I am starting to let go. Its bittersweet Id say. Thanks to all of you who wish to help,from the bottom of my heart. But this is what I want,I am simply tired. I am just waiting for the end",Suicidal +16251,If I had a dog Id have a reason not to kill myself because I could not do that to them. Id give the dog all my love and attention and affection so that they can be happy and maybe eventually I will be too. I want a dog,Suicidal +16252,"Hoards of people walking or zipping by on scooters going nowhere. what is the point? Everyone looked so excited but where are they even going. To the taco truck? To the bar to get drunk? I am young and all I want is to be in bed by 9. Its strange how all those people look so alive and happy, I just cannot understand it because just being around all that commotion I feel suffocated and TIRED. So tired. that is enough activity for me for awhile. Had the misfortune of driving through downtown Austin tonight",Depression +16253,"I feel absolutely awful. I am on the verge of having a panic attack simply due to the fact that I feel so insignificant, especially when it relates to my looks and social skills. I have an online friend, let us call her Jane, who is everything I want to be and at the same time, I want to be with her. I am jealous (which I have NEVER been a jealous person in the past and it is only with her). We do not even live in the same country (but only about an hour and a half away from eachother max) but had met on an app. When I message her, I feel such a pit in my stomach and it does not go away. it is there constantly. I know it is my own insecurities that because it, but no matter what I do, I cannot stop feeling this way.I have told her multiple times (over what is been almost a year) that I cannot keep talking to her because of how I feel (attracted to her, insignificant/inadequate and jealous). When we stop talking (which will usually have been for around a month if not a bit longer), I geniunely feel better and the pit goes away almost immediately. But she keeps coming back and adding me again and we pick up where things left off and the pit comes back and I just cannot take it. I do not know why she does not respect my boundaries. I am extremely anxious and do not know how much longer I can take such strong emotional pain and the pit in my stomach.TL;DR how do I deal with insecurity and feeling insignificant? it is eating away at me and I have a constant pit in my stomach. Really looking for some geniune advice. I have tried mindful meditations, positive affirmations and CBT skills and do not know what to do. how to deal with feeling insignificant?",Depression +16254,Another day wasted in bed. I guess doing nothing is better than killing myself but I hate myself more and more everyday. I have no life. I wasted my 20s and will now be stuck as a loner in poverty the rest of my life waste,Suicidal +16255,"Enough! i have lost too much, too much that cannot be regained. I want to get drunk on a bottle of fireball whisky and jump off a building",Depression +16256,"I am even married. We do not connect anymore. Intimacy completely gone. Everything is always my fault.Just do not know what to do. I need a partner. I want to make a good friend I can confide in, but the truth is I am yearning for a deep intimate relationship and so I would eventually fuck my whole life up if I found someone who would want to be that person.Whatever I guess. Lots of people have it worse than me. I am not the only one playing house in a shitty marriage. It just sucks. So lonely all the time.",Depression +16257,I wish I could just escape from other people's expectations I fucking fail almost every goal that I try to achieve,Depression +16258,"I do not want to die anymore. I want to live for as long as I can. But I have to do so the only way I can: by myself. All alone.I want to save the world. I want to save people. But I, as myself, cannot do that when I am still there. I can only indirectly save everyone. Through money, opportunity and bringing them up.I have no desire to have friends. I want to do things with people only when I want to, but that is selfish. Whenever someone invites me somewhere, I do not want to go but I do not get why.Idk really what I am saying but I do not want to go anywhere. I want to be here. But I cannot be near people. I do not build, I destroy and so I belong all alone. I have come to the conclusion that there is no place for me in this universe.",Depression +16259,"Does anyone understand the feeling when you do not want to live but you also do not want to die? Do I feel like I genuinely want to die? No, but I also do not want to keep on living in my current life...Anyone experience similar mental battles?! I do not want to live but I do not want to die",Depression +16260,I cannot tag it NSFW for some stupid reason. This is all have. I hope this is okay. I want to cut myself so bad. I want to stab my eye. I want cut my arms up. I want to cut off my penis. I want to feel pain. I feel like I am falling back into how I felt a few months ago. I want other things more than I want to die but death is so much easier. I would not fail to kill myself if I tried. I can easily kill myself. Its tempting. Nobody can stop me. I want to fucking burn. NSFW I feel bad,Suicidal +16261,"today has been too much for me to handle. I am going to vent a bit before getting into what I plan on doing for the rest of the evening.my heart's been aching for months, I do not talk about that much with people. I have learned and am still learning to expect much less than what I would like. the things I have wanted and maybe needed. . . I am in the process of convincing myself I do not. the things that used to hurt me cannot even hurt me anymore because I am just numb to it now, as I know it will just happen again eventually. people are not perfect, but I am just tired of the constant hurt, the conversations I feel like I am not always heard in, the apologies I have come to hate hearing each time. I do not want that anymore. I am a lot to handle as I have bpd, but I do not believe in the slightest that I am unlovable and that I am not deserving of the things I want out of this life- mostly love. I deserve that, and after an entire childhood receiving none of it from the people I was supposed to receive it from and a couple of failed, abusive relationships. . . no, I absolutely do deserve the love I want. I have been in pain for too long. all I have ever wanted was to share my life with someone and vice versa- make it *ours*. I do not want to be alone, but I am losing hope and I am getting too tired.I lit a candle I swore I would never light unless things finally felt good and okay- things are not good or okay, but it is all part of my plan for this evening. as I type this, I feel certain that suicide is just the way I will go. I do not go out much to be possibly killed on the street or something related. I never did order sn and do not think I will plan to. I am considering hanging myself now. tonight, I will enjoy this candle as much as I can, take a nice shower, take good care of myself, wear some really comfy clothes and listen to some really nice music. maybe I will even play a couple games. I will be here for myself the way I wish others were for me. tomorrow, I will do more cleaning and organizing of my belongings. I plan to throw absolutely everything away.if by the end of all of these things I still feel the way I do as I type this, maybe it is meant. I told my best friend tonight about these feelings and the person I very deeply care for and adore so much does not know what is even going on. I feel like I am too much for them and I do not want to make their seemingly good night a sad one with these feelings. honestly, I wish I did not feel this way. I wish I could recover and live this life out with them. sounds pretty pathetic, but what is even more is that I had hope for there being a chance of them having a tiny bit of love for me. mental prep.",Suicidal +16262,"God I hate it that word every fucking time I heard that word I want to stab my self like honestly I really want to kill myself just because of it yeah I am depressed so fucking what laugh about it I do not give a shit, like everytime I go to vrchat People ask the same damn thing like what is the point? I am going to shoot myself I am really should I cannot take this life no more I already told my bois that I am interested dating a Va women and cartoon artists those cute ones that is the ones I like not no ugly ones disgusting ones I hate it I just want a prefect women that is all but no I am sick of this life I want to shoot myself go ahead laugh idc. ""yOu shOuld GEt a GirlFriend bro""",Depression +16263,"Had surgery this week, Dr gave me 12 5mg oxycodone. I did not have much pain, so I have not used them. I would kind of hate to throw them away - could be useful in the future maybe? Its rare you get prescribed opioids. My only concern is what if I went through a suicidal period - would the full 60mg be dangerous? Should I just flush them instead? Would 60mg of oxys be fatal?",Suicidal +16264,"I do not know what to do Again morning anxiety, and suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +16265,I wish I would have been there for him more. I wish I would have told him about my own struggles more. I wish he would have known I would help him with anything he asked. I still have his guitar that he left at my place. I wish he was still here :( My friend killed himself,Depression +16266,"My mom found a bunch of old pill packages from when I did pills. I have been off of them for almost a year, and my mom is convinced they are new and I am going to overdose. I tried telling her that they were not from any time recent. She just says I am lying and now I am grounded from my friends. She goes through my drawers and searches my room. I am currently 17 and feel like I should be granted some form of privacy. She outright said she was going to continue going through my room and is convinced she is right and I am lying. I had a drug problem in the past so this kind of behavior would be normal 2 years ago, but after almost 2 years of sobriety from hard drugs, and the work I have put in to mend my relationship with my family, I feel like my effort is being ignored and my mom continues to call me a liar tomy face. She always pushes her religion on me, and will not allow me to be vaccinated due to her believing that vaccines are the mark of the beast. Yet I am the one who needs help. I am just so ready to leave this house. My parents will not Allow me to get an ID so I cannot even work to save up for an apartment. Literal tyrants run my life. My parents never believe me",Depression +16267,"Obviously, loss of interest/pleasure in once-enjoyable activities is a huge part of depression. In fact, it is one of the hallmark signs that doctors look for when searching for a diagnosis. What I am asking about today is similar to that aspect of the major suck-fest that is living with depression, but a little bit different. What happens to me is that I suddenly feel like doing something that I usually enjoy is actually making me feel MORE depressed. Now, when I say suddenly, I do not mean in a relatively short period of time, like over the course of a couple of days, or even hours or minutes, I mean SUDDENLY. Instantaneously. I will give an example scenario here, because I am not sure how else to really give a clear explanation of this stupidity. Okay, so, I love interior design, I have since I was a child. I love every aspect of it. I love creating floor plans and perspective drawings, I love making presentation boards with every last detail represented, I love watching interior design shows, I love garnering inspiration and learning how to use new design methods and techniques, and I LOVE going to home decor and furniture stores. Even if I am not buying or even looking for anything in particular, I can spend literal hours just combing every aisle. it is my kid in a candy shop setting, 100%. So a couple of days ago, I had some errands to run, and I decided to stop by HomeGoods while I was out, just to poke around. If I am not feeling well, giving myself a field trip to a good home dcor spot will usually have me feeling like myself again in a jiffy. I got ready and left the house feeling relatively upbeat and excited for my upcoming treat. I ran around and got my errands done first, to avoid feeling like I would had dessert without finishing my vegetables. Feeling like I earned whatever treat I give myself, and knowing I do not have anything else I should be doing instead, makes it 100x more enjoyable. I parked the car, hopped out, and pretty much frolicked through the front door like a big old goofball, heading straight to the bathroom department in search of a new shower curtain, because I actually do need one for my downstairs bathroom. As soon as I stopped in front of the display, though, I felt an extremely dramatic shift in my disposition. Just a few seconds ago, I had been really happy, in my zone. Suddenly, though, staring at all the pretty shower curtains felt like the last thing in the whole world I wanted to do. All I could think was, This is stupid. Why am I even here? I turned a slow circle, scanning the rest of the store to see if I could spot anything that might reignite my vigor of a few moments earlier. The more I saw, though, the more bleak and dismal everything seemed. It felt as though a black mist had descended, surrounding me, as well as filling me with a bitter, defeated, heavy sadness. I took a couple of deep, stabilizing breaths, but they did not help. My eyes began to sting, and I knew I had to get out of there before I started inexplicably bawling in front of a store full of people. Feeling as though I had just lost something intangible but meaningful, I slowly and dejectedly made my way out of the store with my eyes trained on the floor. This is typically how this phenomenon usually plays out for me, though it sometimes happens in other ways, as well. Sometimes I will feel great while I shower, dress, and do my hair and makeup, but as soon as I am all ready to go, I do not feel like doing whatever it was anymore. Like I said before, it actually feels like the absolute last thing I want to do. Sometimes it happens right away, as soon as I think of something I want to do. I will think, I would really like to go take pictures in the woods, and start to get excited by the idea, but then, in a fraction of a second, that excitement is replaced by a crushing sadness in response to the same idea. So, yeah, the best way I can explain it is just that something I normally love to do gets flipped upside down in my mind, and my beloved activity now feels like it is actually a part of the problem. It begins to feel like a source of depression and anxiety. To the extent that, if someone asked me, what is causing you to feel unhappy right now? I would reply, the thought of doing something I absolutely love, that is what is making me feel shitty right now. I do not understand why this happens to me, but I am so sick of it. I am just so indescribably tired of the things I usually use to help myself feel better begin to only make me feel worse. it is so mean of my brain to do this to me, and I cannot seem to find a way to make it stop. In fact, it just happens more and more often as time goes by. Does anyone else experience this, or anything like it? If so, what have you done about it? Also, does anyone have a medical or scientific explanation for why this happens? This Suddenly Sucks",Depression +16268,Somedays are Easier than others. Somedays I just want to do it all over again. [Suicide] Knowing now what I did not know then I will not fail this time. Some days I think if only I did not exist. If only I was not nt broke and I did not waste away my life. 100.50.25.25 that is the amount I swallowed. That number will look haunt me for ever. I just pray for the feeling of existing in someone is world. As the tearsrun down my face. I wonder how much more I can take. How much further I can belittle myself. Fulfill some one's desires with my body just make do 4 months since attempting to commit suicide,Suicidal +16269,"A week or so ago I had an issue with an online friend long story short I sent a picture of something and he went if I was there I could take good pictures of you and I was like what?? Lol and then this idiot starts going on a fuking rant like did you think I meant I wanted to go there to do horny things with you? Maybe you have a problem for thinking perv thugs all the time. you are a pervert literally our of nowhere? I mean if you ask me that is a clear indicator that maybe hes a f*king pedo? For bringing the matter of s*x out of nowhere? So I block him and all, which was pretty sad because wed been friends for a long time now but I am the type that does not take ANY chances while forming friendships online. Plus this thing of him making horny jokes 24/7 got annoying.The thing is we are both suicidal but he seems to act like its edgy or something... I know its not up to me to judge him so I will not say much more. Basically he just goes and says shit he sees in anime like my core is hollow... the beauty in life is that there is no meaning... we must go on which I am like .... ok cool but fuking cringe? If you do not find this cringy then to each their own opinion, I will not judge you, perhaps its just that I am not the right person to be around him.But then he goes and tries to reach me on EVERY PLATFORM (that we have) including a game chat after realizing I blocked him. When I finally let him say what he had to say he goes on another I am here for you... you are the only one in my life that I really care about which sounds like a load of bullsh*t to me? Regardless if I off myself or not why tf does it concern you? He thinks suicide is an aesthetic or what? I do not want to deal with these petty fights over online friends at 18 years old. Yeah I am going to fight my shit mental health without this cringe shit over and over. Rant from blocking an old friend online",Suicidal +16270,Maybe I will feel differently in the morning. I would be dead by morning if i had access to a gun or drugs right now.,Suicidal +16271,"i (15f) have been depressed for like 2 months now. I have been tired every day, irritable and have no motivation to do anything. i think i had PMDD in the past as well. I have had a therapist for at least 3 months, and she knows of my issues. but when i told her i felt depressed all school holidays, she said, i would too if i was doing the same thing everyday for a long time. and basically said i need to be doing my coping strategies (breathing and grounding) like she says every session. when i said I am depressed to my mum, all she is doing is making me go on more walks with her and do my homework which is just making it worse. my friends said they have been tested for depression and anxiety by doctors immediately and I am just so frustrated. why is it not the same for me? why does my family seem to think its no big deal? am i wrong in thinking that there should at least be a discussion of taking meds and that breathing might not be enough to deal with my symptoms? why am i not diagnosed.",Depression +16272,Hi I am new to this sub and I am really struggling. I am extremely depressed I have diagnosed clinical depression but I believe I may be manic. The past 5 days I have felt extremely manic and I have basically abadoned my family i feel too ashamed to go home and look them in the eyes. We just had our second child and the weight of everything I think broke my brain. Please help me tell me what to do how do I fix this? Self destructive,Depression +16273,I want to cut myself so bad. I want to stab my eye. I want cut my arms up. I want to cut off my penis. I want to feel pain. I feel like I am falling back into how I felt a few months ago. I want other things more than I want to die but death is so much easier. I would not fail to kill myself if I tried. I can easily kill myself. Its tempting. Nobody can stop me. I want to fucking burn. I feel real bad,Suicidal +16274,I have a lot going on in my life right now. These situations feel crushing and I feel powerless and stuck and I often just want to leave everything behind and run away. I do not know what to do. Run away,Depression +16275,"I have access to firearms, just not handguns. I have access to a rope, just does not seem like the best way to go. Help me out. What would be the quickest and/or least-painful way to go? Thanks! Help Me Out.",Suicidal +16276,"I feel like there is no one in my life that I can reach out to. They all deserve better than I can give and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get better. Recently, I relapsed with my ed and sh. I have not been able to tell my bf or any of my friends because I do not want to worry or bother them. I feel like they would all be happier if I was not such a failure, I feel like a burden",Depression +16277,"All I want to do is lie in bed and sleep all day. I had a panic attack from sensory overload when I went grocery shopping and felt the most pathetic I have ever been. Everything overwhelms me, especially emotions. I do not want to get up and go outside or face the real world, I am so anxious every time I talk to people that Ill somehow upset them or drive them away that I get even more exhausted. I feel really bad because I have not talked to my best friend in a while. Every time I sit down to talk with them on call and hang out I get so tired that I can barely stay awake most days and I am afraid I am driving them away or they think I am losing interest in them. Worrying about everything is so taxing and I am tired all the time. I just want to rest. Existing is so exhausting",Depression +16278,"TW: Sexual assault, physical abuse Spanish is my first language, sorry in advance for any mistake. &#x200B;I am a cis-gender heterosexual woman.I was raped when I was 18 y/o by my boyfriend at that time. He tried to penetrate me anally, failed at it so he raped me vaginally. Out of shame, I just told my parents months later that he ""tried"" to rape me but did not get to. After that I never had the confidence to have sex again, just some mild encounters that never ended in bed and a brief online relationship in 2019. I am 27 y/o now. Due to a bad economical situation, pandemic, etc. I am living in my parents' house. Note aside, my parents have physically abused me since I was 6 years old 'till I was around 17/18 (belting, punches, etc.) but in own messed up logic, being here beats being homeless. After a journey of rediscovering myself sexually in the past months, dealing with interiorized shame and guilt, but overcoming it step by step with the help of an online friend with benefits, I decided to buy sex toys for the first time in my life in an attempt to fully own my sexual life again. Still dealing with shame and guilt, but the toys seemed to be working and it felt as if I was re-writing my sexual life with a positive note.But in the middle of an argument with my parents (in which they were shaming me for having depression at this age of my life, caused by failed attempts of achievement of my life goals and poor economic situation) they decided to tell me that they knew I have sex toys and that I am a disgusting slut. They repeatedly called me disgusting, a slut, a disgrace, a shame. Over and over for more than an hour.My mind immediately went back 9 years to the day of my assault where I felt that I was disgusting and that I deserved it. I have not talked to my long distance fwb in 3 days (he has helped me regain sexual confidence and has supported me when I felt ashamed of myself sexually due to past trauma). And I do not know how to even approach him. I cannot bring myself to eat or drink either. Even if I was hungry, I have not left my room and do not even want to peak outside because I know I will see my parents. I have not talked to them at all, I am just locked in my room desperately trying to find an apartment to move to even if I am not going to have money to even buy food. I just feel like I am slowly fading in the background and I could disappear any moment. Like I am so flawed that I do not matter anymore and that I do not deserve love or will ever get it. I cannot stop crying everyday and it feels as if all my work trying to overcome what happened to me was crushed in an instant. I feel helpless and I cannot bring myself to ask my fwb for help or reassurance. I am scared I will be back to feeling sexually numb again like I was for years. And to be honest, my parents words got to me so bad that even if I know it does not make sense, I felt shame for having those toys and I felt like the garbage they were telling me I am. This is just one of many other problems that I barely mentioned that sometimes make me think all this pain is not worth it. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. All progress is gone.",Suicidal +16279,"I am 21 now. Its really unfortunate but I have learned the hard way that coming out of high school, making friends is extremely difficult. The people that I end up vibing with either are not interested back or my depression gets in the way of things and I cannot notice until its too late. I do not know if I have bad Karma or what but I cannot seem to catch a break socially. Every here and again I think back to only real friend I ever had which was in high school and about all the things we did together and what I possibly could have done to have had our friendship not come to an end. This is the first time in over 2 years that I have gotten crippling depression just thinking about it. It feels pretty pathetic that its been 5 years and I cannot get over something that ended in high school but I guess it is what it is. I have not had a real friend since 16",Depression +16280,I walked home the other day and proceeded to hurl all the way down Main Street until I got home and passed out.Please end me now. I am so sick of life I am getting physical symptoms from it.,Suicidal +16281,Every night I wish I will not wake up. Please just make it painless and I will not mind. I do not care about myself enough to get help or see a doctor but I know it is what I need to do. But honestly I am not going to. I do not have the guts to do anything. I am just hoping..... I feel so heavy,Suicidal +16282,"I am so tired of this. Every time I say something dumb in front of a friend or do something stupid I immediately think about committing suicide. I just want to live a normal fucking life and be able to shake stupid stuff like this off, but I do not even know anymore. Every time I feel like I remotely upset someone I want to kill myself on the spot. Every time I have a minor inconvenience I think about ending it all. When I overeat I want to die. When I overthink how I said things I want to end it all. I just want it to stop. I do not want to have to think about all of this. I do not know how much more I can take. Everything makes me want to die",Suicidal +16283,I have plans to end my life soon I am just so done with people anymore they all think its so hard and they have hard lives they do not even consider what other people are going through I am tired of the selfishness of people these days and sorry there is many who are fake out there people lie and then wonder why they have issues I am done with it all. I do not feel I belong anymore,Suicidal +16284,"So, just a little back story.......I fucked up really bad and lost the love of my life. I have been dealing with loved ones leaving my whole life. First my dad died and then my brother died too. I do not have any friends and my family is not talking to me at the moment because of what I did.I have contemplated just ending it all, so I decided to seek outpatient help. I just started it but I do not know if I can handle it. I just wish that I could turn back the clock and change all of this. I am at a loss right now and I do not know what to do. Has anyone else felt this way and how did you overcome?PLEASE HELP Lost",Depression +16285,"I am 23 and I will be 24 next month and I have not accomplished a lot of stuff that most people my age have. I do not have any work experience, a job, a college degree or my own place. When it comes to jobs I never got one in the past because I never wanted to settle for jobs like Target and Walgreens and the thought of having to do that scared me and it still does. I think I suck at being a cashier and I am afraid that people around my age will walk into the stores and laugh at me for working there and the same goes for places like Mcdonalds. I am also worried about not being paid enough for the time spent working at those places. I still want to go back to college and switch majors but I am not sure what I want to major in and I am constantly being told ""Well you do not have enough time and you have to go ahead and decide before you turn 24."" I do not even have a talent or a passion that I can invest in. I am also constantly being reminded that I am almost a 24 year old with no job and work experience which does not help. Last year I decided that I wanted to move out and get my own place but doing that requires for me to have a job which is something that I do not have. I basically spent most of my life missing out on experiences and oppurtunities and it is still happeing as I get older. Whenever I want to do something on my own that requires money I cannot. For example some people that I know are going to a beach in September and I cannot go to hang out with them for a few days because I do not have any money. it is just going to be another experience that I am going to miss. Sometimes I am jealous of other people and even influencers because of the fact that they are freely able to do whatever they want to do with money and experience their life and enjoy the oppurtunites that they have and I cannot. I never wanted to be jealous of other people to that extent or be in the situations that I am in now but I do not think I did enough to avoid any of that from happening. I am worried that nothing in my life is going to change and that my future is going to be what my life currently is now but worse. Sometimes during the day I am optimistic and sometimes I am stressed out and upset because nothing is working out for me. This causes me to constantly switch between being motivated to being unmotivated and sometimes I do not even want to exist. I am not sure what do about my life or future and I need advice. Time is passing me by and I do not know what to do about my future or life general",Depression +16286,I wish I knew what I could have done differently or maybe should not have read too much into things to begin with. Am I the only one that is dealt with this? Losing a friend that does not have an equal amount of interest in the friendship and they will not talk to you anymore because they are afraid of leading you on. I must suck.,Depression +16287,I am so broken. I have not stopped crying since my everything died. I am so scared for the future. I do not want to live another day on Earth without her. I could die 20-30 years from now and I feel if there is a heaven or an afterlife where you can just exist with other spirits will she find someone new. I do not even want to find someone new on Earth because she has my heart forever. I know its a stupid thought but I just wonder. An afterlife,Suicidal +16288,Fuck you all When I am sad people avoid me like the plague,Suicidal +16289,"I was diagnosed with depression about two years ago after I was accused of rape. The police were involved and I was found not guilty. But it killed me. My sister was being harassed by people. My parents were so sad all the time. I thought even though I know I did not do it and it is been proved. People would still think. I was also diagnosed with anxiety, my depression was so bad I used to pee my bed and get angry over my parents telling me to revise for my exams ( I was in the final year of school) I was so lazy and turned into such a bad kid in school. I tried to commit suicide when the girl who accused me and a bunch of friends came to my house arguing with my parents. But my mother came in as I was about to stab my chest with a kitchen knife and when I saw her face I could not.2 years later Ever since I have never wanted to commit suicide but now my parents are divorcing. And my sister is cutting. I still have anxiety but I am not depressed. But some nights I want to die in my sleep or just get into a situation that might get me killed. But I do not want it to be purposeful. I hope the day comes. (I have tried talking to a councillor but it did not work for me) I want to. But I cannot.",Suicidal +16290,"After the last post I made, I am not any better at all. Every day feels like the same crap every day. What happened to the variety? Now its oh yay I have to wake up, cannot wait for my very depressing day ahead. Even if I do go therapy by the end of this year, and I get treatment, will I ever become my old self again? Or will be stuck as this alternate form. Its hard to describe. I have this feeling that everyone is judging me. I know its probably not true but still. help me.",Suicidal +16291,"There are multiple ways to kill yourself, just a lot of them take a long time and hurt like hell. I do not have access to a gun, the quickest way out. It would suck surviving. There is a moment of falling before hitting the ground if you jump. Over the last year and a half I made up my mind about going, it is just a matter of how and when. Why is it so difficult? Hanging also takes time and is painful. I Wish It Was Easier.",Suicidal +16292,I just feel like giving up on life. Nothing ever goes my way. Everyone thinks I am a good person but I am not. I have come to realize that I will never achieve my goals and that I am a failure. I do not see the point in living anymore. I did not ask to be alive so why should I keep on living. I will never achieve anything and I am just a waste of space. I give up on life. I give up,Suicidal +16293,The world felt less complicated when I was depressed and stuck in bed and in my own head. Idk,Depression +16294,"I am so lonely, but I cannot trust anyone or have any desire to open up to anyone just so I can but hurt again. I am not human. I am not human",Depression +16295,"I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts, especially around the age of 14, but it mostly came when I was drunk, I stopped drinking a long time ago, but lately the thoughts came back and maybe even stronger than beforethe worst thing is that I have no reason to be like this, I feel like I was just born fucked up, I do not have a mental illness, they have it so much worse than me, but I just cannot stop thinking about bleeding out, slowly and alonebut since I am a coward and a piece of shit that cannot commit to anything, I will not kill myself, I know that for sureor maybe I will actually be able to do it, it would be the first time I had actually done anything goodI think it is also worth noting that I hate myself and I cannot forgive the past me for who I was, fortunately I am now just pathetic and miserable increasing thoughts of killing myself",Suicidal +16296,I do not have help. I struggle all on my own and it is fucking unbearable. When I feel so much pain all I can think is that I should hurt myself. I fucking hate this. I want this nightmare to be over,Suicidal +16297,"no one cares about me, I am completely alone man I have not talked to anyone for months and I am so scared to go back to school I have been thinking about killing myself because no one would care so i do not have a reason to stop me anymore i just wish someone cared about me or just simply talked to me why am i so unlikable I am alone",Suicidal +16298,Why am I like this? Why cannot I just be normal? Why cannot I just be straight? I cannot even watch a tv shoe without getting these stupid fucking gay thoughts. Why? Why? Why? I am such a fucking faggot. I deserve to die. I do not understand why no one else hates me. Why am I like this?,Depression +16299,"it is been 2 years and a few days since I met the man I fell head over heels in love with. I mean everything about him was just perfect for me and sure he has some flaws but they are nothing I cannot deal with..After two years of this back and forth about marriage, mainly the last year of being told maybe then ignoring me when I ask, tonight we finally had a calm (mostly) discussion about whether he intends to marry me or not.He said there are things he would prefer I would change. Things that make him not satisfied with me. Things that are subpar. My weight is one of the 2 main things. I have lost about 45 lbs since we have been together but that still is not enough. I want to lose more weight too! I just have not been as consistent as I was because quite frankly depression is kicking my ass and just the thought of waking up in the morning makes me feel incredibly overwhelmed.I asked him why I am good enough to date (we live together, I cook, we sleep together, I clean, we go to the grocery store together) but I am not good enough to marry.To me, this is saying I am good enough to use but not good enough to spend my life with. I felt pretty used and expressed as much. He said I was looking at it all wrong, so I asked for clarification. He said well, you know how some people lease cars because they do not want the commitment of buying??So essentially I am the leased car who is getting all the milage put on me but I am not the bought car who gets the benefits of being an owned car.. Such as the security and reassurance in the relationship... I am like a car you lease, not one you buy...",Suicidal +16300,"people always tell me why i do not show any happiness or emotion when i accomplish something (specially in ice skating) so i was thinking about it and now i know why i just cannot, why i cannot be able to show itwhen i was younger every time i got excited my family invalidated my accomplishments, yeah maybe joking or something else but at the moment it hurt so i unconditionally stopped telling my accomplishments and stopped getting that excited so now i just cannot feel the excitement just i got the work done, i did what i was supposed to and of course i feel satisfaction by it but i just cannot get happy for me so I am SORRY if anyone can relate to this because its kind of sad honestly, because all the excitement i get is from someone elses accomplishments and i show them how happy I am from them cannot show happiness",Depression +16301,"I am 42 and too many problems to even go on about. I am too tired to talk about it. I am done with my life here, but I do not want my 21 yo son to find my body. I attempted last month. I woke up unable to breathe and it was scary, so I have found another way to go out. I just need to purchase the stuff I need. No one gives a f",Suicidal +16302,"Hey uhm...my depressive disorder does not really like me and is kicking my ass. I broke up with my toxic ex finally. But all I can think of is ""I bet no one is proud of this. Afterall it is such a simple thing. I should not be proud. What if he was not *that* bad. Maybe I will never find better."" and it will not stop.&#x200B;I am diagnosed with clinical depression so it acts up, and its been a lower amount of dopamine already nowadays but its gotten worse after this. Free but not from my mind",Depression +16303,"I tried everything. I really did. I tried to reach out to friends. To family. I tried to distract myself. I tried to love myself. But I am no good. No one loves me. I am unlovable. I told my last friend that I am struggling. She just told me we cannot be friends anymore. I tried everything. It did not work. I just wanted to be loved, by anybody. It sucks it had to be this way. But it just is. I am listening to dearly beloved from kingdom hearts. It at least is making me feel at peace with it. This is how it had to be. I will be better now. I will not be hurting. That at least makes me calm. I hope the rest of you find your light. I love you all so much. The world never loved me, but I promise, I never stopped loving it, right to the very end. I love you all so much. Take care of your hearts. I tried everything. I am sorry",Suicidal +16304,"Feel free to read or not, I do not really care too much. Only maybe a little. The main point of this is to just yell out into the void and get these dumb emotions out there. Simply put I just do not want to exist. Never asked for it, never wanted it. Growing up was hell with ocd. A literal constant stream intrusive, repetitive thoughts terrified me every waking moment of my childhood. I was an elementary school kid who legitimately was considering suicide to finally get peace from that. But hey, got through that somehow. Social anxiety from not being able to think through a thought that was not a horrifying intrusive one completely in high school was the next fun adventure! Somehow made it through that and into college. Same problems as usual, except now I am in the other side of the country and everything needed a constant attention that I just did not have the capacity to provide. I was definitely a social outcast, but somehow I found great friends that helped get me through the deep depressive/anxiety episodes that periodically swept over me. I actually mustered up the courage to go see a psychiatrist during my senior year and got some real help. Literally broke down in tears as he was the first one I ever revealed any of these issues to. Thankfully the meds are helping a lot with the ocd, but the depression still hits so hard. Now having to deal with the responsibilities of adult life on top of depression without anyone there to lean on is just exhausting. Figuring out what I want to do with my life is exhausting. Sleeping all day is exhausting. Loneliness is exhausting. Going to work is exhausting. Having fun is exhausting. Hating myself is exhausting. Every single thing about life is just so, so exhausting. Id honestly just prefer the nothingness of not existing over trying to find the meaning behind any of this. shit I am so fucking lonely Summary of me",Depression +16305,"I just cannot take this shit anymore no matter what the pain just does not stop I am in therapy, I am on antidepressants, I try and try for so long and everything just gets worse. I do not want to die but what option is there? There is not one I have tried everything else I do not care how I go anymore but it has to happen soon. I just feel so alone I am drowning. Being told to keep going is being told to swim while wearing concrete shoes life is so ducking painful and there is only one way to stop it. I feel like I do nothing but push everyone away I deserve everything that is happened to me and I do not deserve to live anymore. Why am I supposed to want to live what the fuck do I have to live for? I have been so fucking lonely especially since spring its just gotten 1000 times worse. Lifes been nothing but breakdown after breakdown and being punished for trying to escape. Why cannot I just fucking kill myself already have not I had enough I do not want this anymore I cannot TAKE THIS ANYMORE HOW CAN ANYONE DEAL WITH THIS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME I FEEL LIKE I cannot ASK ANYONE FOR HELP ANYMORE BECAUSE I am NOTHING BUT AN EXHAUSTING PERSON TO BE AROUND I just cannot the only minor escape is sleep and I torture myself by not taking my sleeping pills and staying up for days crying until it hurts. Idk why I even decided to make this I am just desperate for someone to listen but I do not deserve someone to be there to listen to me I cannot stop myself for much longer",Suicidal +16306,"(Warning: I am kind of just ranting to myself to collect my thoughts)[17m] I do not understand it. Obviously I am in control but I constantly make stupid decisions, and I do not understand why. I think I am just lazy and I want to feel like there is a reason besides myself that I keep fucking up. Its completely stupid shit, like I do not do my homework because I do not know. I want to, it would not be hard, but I do not. So then I end up having a 32 ACT while having a 2.1 GPA. Another time I liked a girl and she liked me, and I just ghosted her out of the blue because well, I do not know. Did this to a friend of mine as well, and I do not know why. Maybe I feel like I am not in control because I am a moron and do not ever actually TRY to take control of my life I feel like I am not the one in control",Depression +16307,"Hey all, so today my cat passed away who I have had for almost 9 years and I am just taking it really hard. When I adopted him he was so full of energy and love and just attached to me and I felt like we had a very strong bond. He knew whenever I was upset and would just be with me and try and comfort me when I was sad. He helped me through some really tough times over the years. Back 4 years ago, I found a squishy lump on his back that ended up being a spindle cell tumor. We got him surgery to get it removed multiple times, but ultimately it just kept coming back until it was inoperable as of a year ago. The past 6 months have been the worst though. We tried administering him chemo, which made him lose all of his weight, energy, and sapped away his personality, he would just lay there all depressed. Then about 2 months ago we noticed the tumor on his back died and decayed away and left a crater in his back. I figured he needed to be put down then and there, but the vet would not do it because they still thought he had time. So we tried keeping him clean, and took him off the chemo to have him try and be himself for his remaining days. He smelled so bad though, like death, that it was hard for me to be around him, and I feel so guilty about it. Well today he lost all of his strength, had a stroke and died at home. I feel like I lost my best friend. I keep looking for him and just want to spend time with him, but he is gone now. To make matters worse, we had cats in the past who were also very sick that we tried caring for, and died in almost similar ways, and had the same amount of time with us. I miss them all, but this cat today, Astro, makes me feel like I am now lost, and I do not know what to do. I lost my cat today.",Depression +16308,"As I type this, I have no idea where I am going to begin. I am going to press enter twice and type everything on my mind. This could be the last thing I write.Numbness is one of the most consistent things in my life so far. Ever since I was young, panic attacks and depression, possibly PTSD always stayed with me. Everyone knew me, but who really knew *me?* I slid away to bathrooms when I needed to cry. When I felt a panic attack coming on, I always found myself on the closet floor. Solitude was what I needed to get through the tough times. I find myself here again in a familiar place. A room. Any room. A room where I am alone. A room where, amidst all of the rooms, I simply exist. And it does not feel like much more.I have to say that I did think that I have changed. I look back though, and I have nothing to show for it. I never really could see a future for myself. If you were to ask me when I was 18 where I would be when I was 23 (how old I am now), I would not have known. I always felt out of place. Even the times where I am in place, I know it is temporary.The worst thing to ever happen to me was losing my ability to feel emotions. I want to cry. I want to cry and mourn the things that have happened to me, things that I continue to push through. I do not want to be strong anymore. Even when I am feeling weak I am forced to be strong because I cannot feel my emotions or cry for more than ten seconds without forcing myself.I do not want to be strong and have someone make me feel weak. I do not want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore. I do not want to have a good time until I am shot down. I do not want to have to look at my debts, wonder how I am even going to pay them and buy weed instead. I am tired of not being able to afford a therapist. I am tired of not having anyone to go to. I am tired of being the person to go to for your problems even when I never tell you mine. I am tired of being the person to always listen instead of being listened to. I am so fucking tired of being talked to like I am stupid. I am tired of being stuck in a cycle. I am tired of talking to people I do not want to talk to. I am tired of seeing black people suffer. I am tired of trying my best for not much in return... I am tired of thinking of so many things that make me tired.it is exhausting to be tired. I want to sleep and never be tired again. I thought I was doing better until I was not. that is how it always happens. Sneak attack. Sometimes when I would have a good day, I would think, ""I never would have had this good day if I had killed myself. I hope in the future I do not kill myself."" I do not even remember what the good days were.I do not know what they will be. I do not know if I want to wait around and find out. it is clear to me that, at 23 years old, this is life for me. No matter how much my circumstances change, no matter how much I change, I will always be the same in the same ways that I do not want to be the same. I always thought it would magically get better. Now I am typing this for strangers to read even though it does not matter. Nothing does and everything is bullshit suffering for no reason. we are all selfish viruses aiming to work ourselves to death for a society that will not even pay for our deaths. If I offed myself right now, my family would get a bill for $3000 for transportation of my body alone. Fuck you, America. Fuck everyone else too while I am at it. Hanging on by a thread",Suicidal +16309,fuck. fuck. fuck.and more fucks.do not want to be alive. repeat that thought. pretty fun shit.i just keep picturing my suicide. all the time. fuck,Suicidal +16310,"A circle is 360 degrees. Its the full completion of life. In religion, Jewish tradition holds that the number 36 has had special significance since the beginning of time: According to the Midrash, the light created by God on the first day of creation shone for exactly 36 hours. I even read, growing up, that we do not finish puberty until the age 36. Sounds crazy but I believe it has some truth.I am 35 and I do believe that I have lived a long life. My circle is completing. Gods light only lasted 36 hours and I am in my 35th.I was born into poverty; teenage parents who hated each other. Consequently they BOTH hate me. From the start I knew that my life would be DOOM!I started attempting suicide to piss off my mother, swallowing pennies at around age 2-3. I really wanted out!I ran away from home and moved out once. I was being neglected, was not being fed and was not clothed. I promised that if running away did not work at age 9, I would definitely kill myself. I had a ton of fun but ultimately it did not work and caused me more harm that pleasure.I have attempted a few times recently, to no avail, but they were all learning experiences. I think that I may have only one natural year left on THIS Earth. I am not sure how Ill go, but I feel confident in my numbers and rational.I was actually born on 8/27 which translates to automatic(8) suicide club(27.) I was also born at 11:34pm which if turned 180 degrees spells hell. My life has been hell and I am coming to that conclusion right on time. At Least I Made It To 36",Suicidal +16311,"When is it ok to just acknowledge that life is over? Is there ever a point? I mean, most people like to think that they are saving someone by intervening but realistically speaking, it is just their morals getting in the way.You look at a pathetic thing like me, a monster. A worthless she will that still believes he is worthy of love. How grossly pathetic he is to even consider he is remotely worthy of love.As if life had not opted enough evidence to the contrary? As if that lesson had not been beaten and bludgeoned into his skull that no one could EVER love him. EVER.That he was always in need of repair, he would always be faulty, always void of all worth no matter the amount of work he put in.that is me and I have to ask myself at what point in time do I just give up? When is that ok for me to admit defeat? That I cannot beat this. I cannot overcome. Because I am not like you. I never could be like you in all your brilliance. I could never be human.At what point is it ok that I disappear from all of this? At what point?",Depression +16312,Everyone blames me for everything and treats me like the bad guy and talks down to me. This is why I think about shooting people and then killing myself. Violent suicidal thoughts,Suicidal +16313,Anyone else feel intense amounts of embarrassment when moving out a depressive episode. I am in one now and the amount of crying and shit that I am doing is guaranteed going to because serious embarrassment when trying to move on from this Embarrassment,Depression +16314,I just need someone to talk to M38 anyone really to talk? I can send you my number.,Depression +16315,"So, a whole bunch of things are happening these days. I am trying to talk an issue through with a couple of my friends. And though one of my friends understands where I am coming from, the other does not. I was told a bunch of stuff that my friends think I need to work on. And I acknowledged what I did wrong, said that their feelings were valid, apologized and even said what I was going to do to change. I put everything out there. I then asked what one of my friends would do to change and she said she needed to think on it. Fine, whatever. Then she told me and my other friend that she could not handle having the conversation and needed to think more and even went as far as only talking about how only her feelings mattered. I then learned that someone who I really cared about decided to just drop me out of the blue. I knew that we were not talking for a while. And I was trying to think of a way to talk with this person without making them upset. But they just do not want anything to do with me. All this just makes me want to not be around anymore. Heartbroken",Suicidal +16316,"Hey, I always read the posts of this forum without interacting actively. I understand your suffering because I was in the deepest hole of darkness for years but I changed my mind to continue with my mission in this ephemeral life, I can listen and help you to make your mental health more stable. We deserve enjoy this short theatre called life... Are you in trouble? I am here for you!",Depression +16317,i am so tired of being the most subservient secondhand person on this fucking planet and I am tired of knowing that i am worse than my fucking sister and my brother too I am tired of not being able to drive or work I am tired of financially burdening my dad and I am tired of being moved around constantly and I am so fucking tired please just let me die it is all i want i do not wsnt to get better i do not want to keep living for other people i just want to fucking die i want to kill myself so fucking bad,Suicidal +16318,"So I do not know where to start but. I am just fucking up so much. I know I have adhd but idk if that is what is causing this. My boyfriends parents sent me to go bring his lunch and I was alone in the car. I only drove to Lowes twice using her phone gps but I did not have it. I did not know weather to turn right or left and I cried all the way home. I just felt so done. Because I keep ducking up. My dad treated me like a child when I lived with him so this is different. How do they expect me to know where Lowes is after 3 times. I am afraid to take my adderall medication that I was prescribed just because idk. She gave me a Valium to calm me down and I am afraid to take that. I also do not even know if I still want to live with my bf cus I do not really like him but I am afraid to let the whole family down. Who the fuck do I blame for all this. Its to the point where I am really thinking about killing myself because I do not want to have to deal with this stress anymore. Its not that it seems peaceful to be dead but its nothingness (which is keeping me from doing it, the fear of death) I am afraid of everything my whole life is executive dysfunction and fear and I am ready for it to be over I am almost done with life",Suicidal +16319,"i realized the only reason I am here is not for myself but so i do not upset other people by doing the deed like damn bruh am i down that bad that and I am a pu$$y when it comes to pain but this summer has just made me miserable everyone is out having a good time and I am just here in my room bulimic af, depressed, and wanting to cease existence my mom even made a comment today how I am always in my room and need to socialize like i have friends but i literally do not even want to leave my room most times. I transferred to in state school so all my friends are literally out of state anyways. I am deadass just alone and miserable af lowkey fuck summer 21 why am i here bruh lol",Depression +16320,"I have mental health issues, been struggling for a decade. Had a quarrel with my fiance today, when I asked, have you ever cared about me, like saying something like ""Please tell me if you are depressed"", and this is her reply.Lol I do not see why I need to ask you this, because I feel its given. As long as you feel depressed you can always tell me.&#x200B;I am not sure how to react to this. Lol I do not see why I need to ask you this, because I feel its given. As long as you feel depressed you can always tell me",Depression +16321,my future looks bleak and my entire life has been a sick joke and right now i am in so much pain. all I am good at is self harming and pushing people away and suppressing my emotions. i need help but I am irreparably fucked up. i only feel good when i hurt myself really badly self destruct until i die,Suicidal +16322,"I wish I could just run away from here and never look back. I wish I could just disappear and my siblings would forget about me and stop caring about me. I wish everyone who knows me forgot about my existence. I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, have a fresh start and not be burdened with the connections and obligations of yesterday. If I was free from their minds, I would have nothing holding me back, and I could finally do it with peace of mind. I want to be free",Suicidal +16323,Back in 2016 I lost my dad to suicide. At a young age I lived with him since my parents were divorced he drink every night and on the weekends he got drunk he was never an angry drunk but he had a short temper I was always scared of him just because I knew what people were capable of when intoxicated and I remember one night him said to me that he hated it and at the young age I did not really know what meant by that and a couple months later he took his life whenever I was with my mom. I am 16 now 17 in October and it sucks not growing up with my father I have a stepdad now and he loves me just as much as my dad did He got me a job he even help me pay for my truck but it sucks knowing that hes not my dad not my real dad. I have the suicidal thoughts every night wishing I could just see my dad even some night grabbing dads gun loading it and holding it to my head knowing that with the squeeze the trigger I can see him but I do not want to end my life I just want the pain to go away I miss him so much but I do not know if I can do it anymore knowing that he will never meet my girlfriends or meet my friends go to my wedding see my house. It sucks. I am sorry my grammar sucksReally just need to get this off my chest Just want my dad back,Suicidal +16324,"From a very young age I have always struggled with severe depression and wanting to take my life in various ways. Each day I think of the multiple ways of wanting to end my life. I have good friends in my life, but depression has been a sever battle for me to fight with. My home life is absolute hell taking care of someone physically disabled, dealing with a rage induced sibling and struggling with intense ptsd. In my young ""tween"" years I was sexually assaulted in my own school by another student, at my first job and back in my first relationship. I struggle with ptsd of my attacks, along being in a stressful household. I am a college student with an okay gpa, but I have struggled alot mentally. Words cannot describe the weight of depression and how I feel devoid of emotions. To me, it is like someone shut off a part of my brain where I feel and I put on a fake persona or forced to show I am okay. On multiple occasions, I have tried telling my parents and other family (sterotypical christians against mental health or psychic meds) and they refuse to get me help or anything saying I have nothing. I am in a world where I cannot be happy, being judged on my body or being ""loved"" under certain conditions. I feel like a good part of what I once was died a long time ago or I rarely got to experience happiness. I just want to get better mentally or just run away all together. Just Dead Inside",Depression +16325,"Can somebody please be proud of me? I took a bath for the first time in nearly 2 weeks, brushed my teeth and everything. Please? Validation needed",Depression +16326,"I have been depressed since middle school but aside from short bursts its always been manageable and rarely suicidal. These last few months I have spiraled like crazy. Once every other week I call in sick to work because I do not see the point in making money that will not make me feel any better, my friends have all pushed me away to arms length because my mental health is getting to be too much for them, even playing with my cat who I love more than the world and who is helped me get through the bad times in the past is not doing me any good. There have been multiple times recently where the only reason I have not made an attempt is because I know there is no one who will take him and give him the love I do, but there have also been times where I have legitimately considered finding a new home for him so I can finally end things.Every other time I have felt this way I have kept going knowing that Id get through that phase and be happy again, at least more than I was in that moment, but there is just something different this time. there is some kind of finality engrained into this awful mood I am in and I do not know how to deal with it. I do not think I am ready to die, but more often than not recently it seems like the fastest way to get better. Recently Spiraling",Suicidal +16327,"I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING AND THEN THEY TRIED TO COMFORT ME WHILE DEFENDING ALL OF MY MOMS FUCKING DECISIONS, THEY LOVE HER TOO FUCKING MUCH, THEY TRUST HER SO FUCKING MUCH IT does not MATTER WHAT I SAY I THOUGHT THEY COULD PUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER ASIDE FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND JUST TO LISTEN I do not GIVE ASHIT IF HER STORY FUCKING HELPED YOU I do not GIVE A FUCK I do not FUCKING CARE THAT HER PREACHING ABOUT HOW WERE BORN TO BE SUBMISSIVE WOMEN TOUCHED YOU I HATE EVERYONE I HATE THEM ALL I MISS MY FUCKING FRIENDS BUT IF I TRY TO FUCKING TALK TO THEM AGAIN ILL RUIN THEM. THEY do not WANT TO FUCKING TALK TK ME WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO LOAD MY DAD;S FUCKING GUN AND END IT ALL WHY NOBODY IS HERE FOR ME NOBODY IS HERE NOBODY IS HERE NOBODY IS HERE I THOUGHT THEY WREE I THOUGHT THEY WERE THERE FOR ME I THOUGHT I COULD LEAN ON THEM BUT I cannot I cannot TRUST ANYONE I cannot FUCKING TRUST MYSELF TO J\]SHUT UP FOR EVEN ONE FUCKING SECOND WHY THE FUCK could not I HAVE STAYED QUIET",Suicidal +16328,A lot have none. Very few have more than 4-5. HmmmI suspect most people here are in too much of their own pain to comment. Plus what advice do you really give that could help? It seems all so hopeless for us all. I notice there are not many responses to most peoples posts.,Suicidal +16329,I am going to self harm again fuck fuck fuck i do not want to do this anymore every fucking day Freaking the fuck out!,Suicidal +16330,"Looking at my life, it is getting harder and harder to see the point of it all. Life is nothing but a cycle of negative emotions, and the waiting period between feeling them. I do not love myself, because I honestly cannot see anything worth loving, I am fat and ugly, I am rude, I have no talents or skills, I am lazy and apathetic, I am not funny or smart, and I have no social skills at all.And somehow, despite this there are people who love me, and I know that if I were to try to kill myself that their lives would be hurt by that, and I just cannot bring myself to do that to them, especially since I know how truly hard life has been for them lately, I do not want to add to that.I feel so ungrateful for feeling this way, here I am surrounded by family who are truly good and loving people, I have such an easy life where I am provided for and safe, and yet I still feel like this. I am such a drama queen and I hate it.I have been told to focus on what I enjoy, but the things I enjoy are getting less and less enjoyable, and even when I can find joy in something, what is the point when I know I am just going to cycle back into feeling like shit?I am truly and utterly worthless, and I honestly do not think I have a future beyond being a parasite to everyone who knows me until inevitably they start to hate me. I wish that I would just get hit by a bus or get stabbed by some random stranger, then I can escape without my family blaming themselves for not doing anything to help me, because there truly is not anything they can do to help me.I do not know why I wrote this, I guess because I want pity and some sort of magical piece of advise that will turn my whole life around, and then I will be able to see the beauty in living that other people seem so well acquainted with.But I know that will not happen, because in the end the problem is me, and I do not think I will ever be able to fix that. There truly is no escape for me, I just have to sit around and wait for this pathetic life to finally end. I (18F) feel trapped in life.",Depression +16331,25 . domt care aboit anythinf. want to get drunk and die alone killing Myself before I am 30,Depression +16332,How do you guys figure out your in an episode? I find out like 2 months (maybe even more) after it started and wish I could know right when it starts so I am not such a grinch to everyone without knowing itIt would also be nice to know when it happens because then you can be proactive from the start about fighting back against it Knowing when your falling back into a depressive episode?,Depression +16333,I have had a pretty cushy life. And yet despite that I have squandered nearly every opportunity I have been given and fantasized or felt anxious about things that do not matter at all. Almost every major choice I make has led me further down I path that is increasingly hard to come back from. I just want out. I know I am a disappointment. I hate myself and nearly every decision I make.,Suicidal +16334,"I have been procrastinating on my desire to kill myself for a long time. I do not want to do it, but I am starting to lose interest in life. I want to kill myself but I am having doubts, what should I do?",Depression +16335,"I try very hard to have a positive impact on the people around me, and I generally do. Secretly, I struggle with thoughts of suicide regularly. I struggle to cope with the fact that not everyone wants to have a positive impact on the world. Life is not how I expected it to be. I have become gradually more cynical as I have came in and out of relationships with friends, girlfriends, and family. I feel like everyone is selfishly motivated, and will just move on and forget about me when they are done using me for X. My emotions are starting to show through and degrade my work ethic. How do you guys combat cynical feelings and learned helplessness? I feel like it is not worth faking it anymore. Cynical Rut",Suicidal +16336,"I am having a rough time writing this lol i do not know how to startim about 19 years old i looked alright as a kid, always had this long black messy straight hair that everyone adored. growing up i always thought of myself of a decent-looking kid/teenager until one night i was alone and was taking random pics of me from different angles to see how i look, i saw my face and head from the side and boy was it not a pleasant sight, i was all sweaty and the hair had flattened against my head and i noticed that my head from the back has a really weird shape, i looked it up and found out that i have a syndrome called Plagiocephaly, basically flat head syndrome, the back side of my head is very flat and the shape of my head is entirely messed up with one side being much more pronounced than the other etc caused by constant pressure on the back of my head when i was a baby, they probably left me lying on the ground all the time, babies' skulls are soft and take their time to harden but by the time mine did it was already too late. I have been feeling insecure ever since, i rarely would get haircuts and never could cut it too short, i had to go with particular cuts that could give my head a normal shape. That being said, I have been balding since 15, now that I am 19 my hair is so much thinner and the whole head thing is slowly becoming more and more difficult to hide. i feel very depressed especially at nights, I am in despair and do not know what to do anymore, all i do is sit in my room and play games and sleep whenever i feel sleepy only to wake up wishing i never existed parents ruined my life",Depression +16337,"You know that episode of Bojack Horseman when Bojack shows up to Diannes book convention thing? And he starts asking her if its too late for him? He goes on asking if she thinks hes destined to be that person that was in the book and if its too late for him to be a good person. That scene just really got to me and i just want to go to my ex wife and ask her the same thing. But she wants nothing to do with me, every time i try to contact her she just pushes me away. I understand, i hurt her and she should be mad at me. She should not want anything to do with me. But i iust need her to tell me I am not a bad person. I need her to tell me its going to be okay. I just need her to tell me she does not hate me. I never thought i could be so broken but the thought that life gave you your one real opportunity to be happy and you ruined it... that is enough to make anyone shatter. I cannot tell her all this so i came here, thanks for being an outlet. Bojack horseman",Suicidal +16338,"I thought I had some really close friends, but this summer they have not invited me to their hangouts. When they do invite me its not as fun b/c I know they probably do not even want me to be there. I have to go through another year of high school and I do not know if I should just end our friendship or try to keep it going so my Senior year does not suck. What should I do? I hate my friends",Depression +16339,I am going to overdose on zoloft very soon but I am bored now so is anyone willing to have a convo now? Why should suicidal people be forced to stay alive?,Suicidal +16340,My life is not defined by the people who do or do not love me. I can choose to live even if no one loves me. To be loved is not the point of my life.As depressing as that sounds it made my intrusive thoughts back the fuck up and leave me alone for a little bit. Choosing life,Depression +16341,"I honestly wanted others opinion on this. When I was younger, I got sexually harassed by my uncle (it was not rape, he only touched/grabbed and whatever my body, but that is not important) and I have been dealing with a some kind of trauma since then. I have tried to talk about it to my surroundings (apparently it helps to move o but most of them made me feel bad about it as if they would not believe me. A friend called me stupid and naive, another one kept joking about sexual harassments and uncles, my ex step father kept telling me that I was jealous of my mom and that I wanted to sleep with him and see him naked, that I liked older men a lot. And when i told a group of close friends they nodded and acted as if I have not said anything. I was wondering if me being unattractive would be the reason why they all reacted weirdly, I mean who would believe that an uncle would take the chance to be called a pedophile just to put his hands on an ugly chick? Is me being ugly invalidate my story?",Depression +16342,"I just want somebody to congratulate me when I do something hard. For somebody to kiss me passionately instead of a one night type of thing. For somebody to want to make love instead of ""fuck"". I want to go on those cute stereotypical dates you see in all those movies. I want to go on a ferris wheel and kiss at the top. I want to cuddle and not get anxious if I am breathing loudly. BREATHING LOUDLY?!?! I want to love and to be fully loved and accepted in return. I know I am hard to love and I am so sorry that I am the way I am. But it is a part of me and I cannot change that. I thought I found somebody, they said they understood and that they would help me through it and not leave and they did. And in the most terrible way. And I am just sorry. I am so sorry that I am unlovable and stupid but...I am a stupid girl who still believes that maybe...just maybe...someone or something is out there... I just want to be loved",Suicidal +16343,"meds are not working, just cried for half hr, not sure how long i can keep doing this i do not think i can do this life anymore",Depression +16344,"I have been having passing thoughts, but no active plan. I have picked out a day several times to go through with it but do not have a full out plan. if I go to the ER and say I am having suicidal thoughts on and off but do not have a plan but have picked a day what will happen?I am curious about length of time for voluntary vs involuntaryhow will they REALLY help at the ER? aside from keeping me safe for a few hours? weird thought but if I went inpatient voluntarily on Monday and have work on Wednesday would I be back in time? I know a sunday would not start my hold until monday if it goes that far. also what is the best time to go? question: what is it like to go to the ER for suicidal thoughts?",Suicidal +16345,I know it could be worse but man do I feel shitty Depressed because of my life circumstances,Depression +16346,I do not want to be like this. why am I like this I am so incredibly lonely. but I will not let myself talk to anyone,Depression +16347,This is my life now I guess. Sitting in bed eating ravioli after I just finished crying.,Depression +16348,Summertime. Slowly running out of things to occupy my time. Trying hard to enjoy every day but I am failing miserably. I wish there was an easy way out I have wanted to scream all day today,Suicidal +16349,"so like I want to off myself but when I am close to it I do not, why? question",Suicidal +16350,"Oh well. This one is long . Illl be brief. I am so alone. I feel liek I am useless , my academic victories feel hollow. Like, for example ,my love history is just depressing and sad ( this post explains better, but resuming I opened up to ppl when I was 15, I fell in love adn did cringe shit. Next year, i fell to a girl who was gorgeous and intelligent, but got rejected. You know the hard part is not getting rejected( she was polite with me )is realizing it was useless all long. I was stupid and thought that being nice was enough. It is not. I forgot the pysical part and its Its all my fault. I am ugly, do not know jackshit bout dancing, is geekish/nerd etc I am not the badass bad boy, hot AF surfist/gym guy. I am not charismatic. I never had love experience. Instead of that,I got Asperger and AHAD, uglesiness, and weird hobbies like likening geopolitics, antropology, politics, not simping 20s, choosing my crushes bc of various reasons, not just looks like my mates do,hating governments and shit. I am not taking just about a GF, I already lost my hope of that. I try so hard ( I always accept going out with them, try to enjoy myself with them, etc.) but I feel like I am wasting the best moments of life. I try, try and try, but always fail. I guess its who I am. I feel like an alien, that no one will understand me. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I feel like I am a weirdo and will never be comprehended",Depression +16351,"Ya he hablado un poco de esto con mi madre, pero siento como que piensa que es mentira, que me encuentro mal por otro motivo y que me invento esto como excusa.Pongo contexto, tengo 15 aos, tengo altas capacidades (""superdotado"") y desde muy pequeo he estado interesado por la ciencia y sobretodo la electrnica. Siempre he sido raro o distinto, aunque mis padres lo nieguen. En el colegio y el instituto siempre he sacado muy buenas notas sin a penas esfuerzo, los profesores, excepto dos profesoras, prcticamente me ignoran, no les importa lo que haga en sus clases mientras saque nueves y dieces. Vivo en un pueblo de menos de 3k habitantes y soy la nica persona de mi edad que tiene estos gustos. Desde que tengo 7 aos he estado solo porque nadie ms sabe nada sobre lo que hago, mis padres hace aos que no me felicitan por lo que consigo hacer. Mi padre, la mayora de las veces que me ve haciendo algo en vez de felicitarme decide buscar los errores de lo que he hecho, al menos cuando entenda lo que haca, ahora no entiende nada y decide por no preguntarme.Me siento solo, no puedo comoratir con nadie una de mis grandes pasiones y, adems, cuando era pequeo hubo un momento en el que recuerdo que cambi, pase de ser un nio risueo a uno serio, desde entonces la mayora del tiempo he sido serio con la gente con la que no tengo mucha confianza, eso me ha hecho ganarme ms de un comentario diciendo que no tengo sentimientos o que me exclullan. Mucha gente tiene una imagen de mi que no es real.Mi grupo de amigas actual no suele avisarme para salir por las noches, pueden que se hable por un grupo, pero nunca quedamos a una hora exacta y a mi no me avisan de cuando salen, solo hay una persona que siente cuenta conmigo para todo y que me avisa. Gracias a ella es que sigo levantadome, y gracias a ella est noche no me he cortado.Un poco largo y no me gusta como me he explicado pero que ms da, a un desconocido no le va a importar mi vida. sorry for posting in spanish but i just wanted to relieve",Depression +16352,"I have noticed that when I am in a depressive episode I turn into another person. I become distant and not as caring for others. I start to doubt my relationship and friendships, for absolutely no reason. I am in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend and today I have been feeling depressed and did not feel like I should tell him. he is had a bad day but I also think it is because of me. I slept almost the whole day then went and hung out with my friends, but mostly to avoid being more depressed. I left feeling the same and ended up arguing with my boyfriend and now it is really awkward. I noticed that when I am depressed I have doubted all my relationships in the past too, I created problems by not confronting them and I am scared that is what I am doing to my current relationship. I am going to ignore it because maybe I will feel better tomorrow. If not I am hoping I can talk to my boyfriend about it and he can help me through whatever is going on. I change during an episode...",Depression +16353,"I always feel like people feel this way abt me. that is the reason why I hate talking to people like what the internet says. It does not help. Makes me feel more like a burden. Well..I mean I already did tried to talk her out of her negative thoughts on so many occasions. But she is just not changing. Still the same complaints on her depression. it is not that I do not care. I did try. Whether or not she took my advice and try to change, that is on her.",Depression +16354,"I am sixteen years old, and truthfully I have been depressed for a year now and I do not know how to become motivated. I do not have a car yet or a job nor have I really seen my friends since the whole pandemic situation and its starting to ware on me.Everyone talks about how teen years are the greatest, and yet they completely sucked for me....I do not want to constantly look towards the future for things to get better and waste my time right now, so what do I do to become motivated with the time I have right now and enjoy the moment right now without a car, job, and not having the friends option? I am going through a dilemma",Depression +16355,"I just want to to rest that is all... no more nightmeres, no more confusion, no more pretending, no more people, no more work, no more medicine. Just peace ... that all folks. A peace that I will never find in this word or in my head. No anger, no revange against order, not trying to proof anything or hurt people that I love. just tired. what is the difference? We are all dead anyway Tired so fucking tired...",Depression +16356,"Otherwise, they will be fed the same fantasy like I was and then so that big brother and big sister can continue to keep a tab of you so we accept this form of slavery. School is nothing more than brainless brainwashing by the establishment that want to use your kids as a battery cell and the filthy rich can prosper with your child's gift.Me personally, I think we all should be all fucking and fucking some more but you are slaves to the narcissistic that took over i.e. the white ayran race and the feminazis that took over. If you do have kids do not send them to school",Depression +16357,"It has finally dawned on me that the one thing I thought would be my purpose is something I have no right to be doing. I thought I could teach. I thought I could bring music into kid's lives. But working at this camp has just made me realize I am a terrible person. I am far too short with these kids. I snapped at a few that had gotten on my nerves over the course of a week an a half, and their counselor had every right to come in and cuss me out. I have never wanted to self harm again as badly as I do now, but I cannot. I am moving to a different part of the camp, but after my job here is finished I think I am just go for it. I am not right for this career, and this was my last chance at finding something that could give me a will to live. I feel bad, especially towards my parents. But all I am is a burden to them, anyway. they will better off without me, and at least my father will not have to work to try and understand my mental illness anymore. My friends are going to miss me pretty bad, but I hope I can just bring them together after I am gone. The world will keep spinning after I am gone, so who cares at this point. Good to know",Suicidal +16358,"hello r/SuicideWatchI am just another mammal that wants to die, its unfortunate that our body can feel pain and that our mind can feel suffering. Is there someone out there that can fix this? I have tried stuff, lot's of stuff, and now I want it to stop.""it"" being pain and suffering, life if you prefer. another night here",Suicidal +16359,"Below was the program my Registered Dietician and I worked on together. Best copay I ever spent.I am on day #31 today. I was told by her that if I can go 6 months on this schedule without a cheat meal/day, then my brain is rewired to like/dislike new food/drinks. I have not been hungry/thirsty since day #3 with this schedule:9:01am: 16.9 ounces of water. 310 calories. Perfect Bar Blueberry Cashew (Fridge). Probiotic (Fridge).10:01am: 12.18 ounces of water. 420 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 3 grams of added Fiber.11:01am: 12.18 ounces of water. 420 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 3 grams of added Fiber.12:01pm: 12.18 ounces of water. 420 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 3 grams of added Fiber.1:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water. 200 calories. Two Soylent Squared bars (one peanut butter and one chocolate brownie)2:01pm: 12.18 ounces of water. 440 calories. Soylent 2.0 Original with 6 grams of added Fiber.3:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.4:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.5:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water. Brush teeth. Take Medications.6:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.7:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.8:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.9:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.10:01pm: 5.633 ounces of water.\*I have alarms for everything on my phone.*\*$5,951.35 per year on Soylent 2.0, Soylent Squared, Perfect Bar* Blueberry Cashew*, Fiber, Probiotic Blend and Aquafina water bottles which is $16.31/day. If I start to lose weight instead of maintain, I will have to eat more. But so far it is been maintaining.*\*I wanted to share for those of us who are too depressed to cook, shop, get out of bed, etc. \*I should note I was looking to maintain weight at 12% body fat (male) with optimal nutrition taking 30 minutes total or less per day for everything (shopping, from vehicle to house, cooking, washing, drying, eating, drinking, trash, etc.). I read online that the average American spends 105.8 minutes per day on these tasks. I am at about 30 minutes a day.This has worked for me so far. Thought I would share. (and yes, I realize Aquafina water vs tap water could save a lot of money, but I wanted to easily measure ounces of water and thankfully I can afford $16.31 per day for everything nutrition combined. Plus I am too depressed for anything for washing/drying dishes.).I currently have no dishes to wash/dry everyday which is nice. Everything that is not (Fridge) can be thrown in my backpack. So it is very convenient for storage as well. I look forward to healthier blood panel results in 152 days time. Depression, but did visit Registered Dietician",Depression +16360,"When Joker said that in the movie I thought, I hear you. I am downstairs in my house, alone, just me and my thoughts. I am getting laid off at work. I have applied for some new jobs but no responses (its been weeks). I am about to encounter a job market that is as interested in me as I am in myself. I hate myself. I just had hernia surgery, so I am moving slow and cannot workout. I find people to be incredibly annoying and I spend time thinking of pithy ways to express how little I think of them. Depression sucks. I have been through the ringer with nearly every medication and combination you can imagine. At most it makes me less hostile and violently angry. that is great, but 12 years of medication, therapy, and inpatient and outpatient treatments should mean there is some result for how I feel about myself, right? Instead I still feel the same as I have since a was 12 I believe I was born this way and help will only keep me alive, but I will never live a good or happy life. All I have are negative thoughts",Depression +16361,"I feel like I am going to go cut myself, drive into a wall I judt do not want to continue I feel so alone and ugly and disgusting please someone just help me",Suicidal +16362,"I try to play but I cannot, like I am to tired to do anything Why I started to lost interest even in video games and music?",Depression +16363,"Today I did my concealed carry class for my permit so I can buy a gun when I am 21. I live in Florida so I am not sure how the therapy laws work tho. Like can I be put on some government list that gun stores can see if I am suicidal when I tell a therapist? I have never told a therapist that I have a plan to kill myself with a gun If I went to a therapist and said I was suicidal, would I still be able to buy a gun?",Suicidal +16364,"Well, I just did autism testing to see if my old Asperger's diagnosis could be reversed so I could enlist in the Army which I was counting on for some repurpose and motivation for my life when I turned 17 but turns out it did not get reversed and all because I could not hold myself together for a few hours of testing I just fucked myself out of my future. Guess I are not got much keeping me here anymore. Wish I had the balls to post this on my main socials or regular account but I just do not. So here I am hiding behind some throwaway because I do not have it in me to bottle this shit up like I wish I did. Fuck it all.",Suicidal +16365,"Hi. Please stick with this- I will try to cut to the chase. I have suffered from chronic anxiety and I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. After an 8 year abusive relationship, I lost myself (along with my home). I am still struggling to feel any sort of normalcy 2 years post-breakup (add PTSD and an eating disorder to the roster). It is a complete mental battle to get myself to go to work -although I was unable to work for a period of time-so I am thankful for that, even though my job exhausts me on every level. I am a single 33 year old female with very little to no hope for my life. I go through the day to day motions of working and immediately take sleep-aid to end the day as quickly as possible. I am seeing a psychiatrist (taking Zoloft and buspirone) and trying to stay consistent with therapy. Even with insurance, these appointments are expensive. It is so discouraging. Unfortunately, my poor mental health has caused me to neglect taking care of thingsmostly myself. I just had 3 emergency root canals and require 3 more. Insurance and the care credit I got does not cover all costs. I have resorted to selling everything that I can for extra money and working overtime. I am in so much pain. How do I ask for help? I am embarrassed to try and ask for monetary help and I am sure many will have no sympathy for me, and I understand that, I just feel like I am close to giving up completely. I am so desperate Asking for help, ashamed but desperate, Please",Depression +16366,"I keep trying to find articles about this subject to help get a better idea of what I am currently going through and to see if I am not the only one. Maybe someone in this reddit community is also experiencing this and can confide with me or give some advice. I am feeling more lonely post-pandemic than I did before everyone (for lack of a better term) was vaccinated. I am not anxious about the virus or socially anxious like the articles I read previously stated. I feel left behind and forgotten. Everyone knows I experienced a tough year, like everyone else. I was unemployed for most of 2020, developed an alcohol addiction, and I was the only person in the house I lived in to not have one other person inside of my house until May 2021 (both of my roommates have partners). It was an extremely lonely and turbulent year. I have done everything I could to take accountability and get better: get on SSRIs, go to therapy, started running, quarantine alone at my parents for half the year - you name it. Still, my mental health continued to deteriorate, and now that the world is open I am afraid no one wants to invite me to do things or be around me because I am still depressed and bring down the mood. I am also sober to eventually see if I can have a healthy relationship with alcohol when I am ready. Although, I do not find much enjoyment in going to a bar or party to get drunk with people if I am being honest. it is still lonely for me right now. I have had to delete my social media because seeing everyone happy and going out to do things with their friends made me feel even worse. it is like the majority of the country has already moved on and recovered mentally from a year of social isolation. But I am still here in my bedroom alone on Friday and Saturday nights. I am scared I have exhausted everyone I knew the last year and lost friends because of my depression. I miss who I used to be, even though I was still struggling with depression and beginning an alcohol addiction before the pandemic started. That version of myself was still invited to be around people because I brought joy, and not pain. Now, after I went crazy during the pandemic, I lost the one thing I need the most right now... human connection and friendship. Left behind in the post-pandemic world",Depression +16367,"I am a 19 y.o. who recently lost her mom due to surgery complications. My mom had an arterial bypass in her groin (less than 3% death rate; 95% success rate) and the surgery went fine. After, she could not keep her temp and blood pressure up, and passed away the next morning (were still waiting for her autopsy results.) My mom went under anesthesia and never woke up. She was sedated the whole time, even when she had a wound vac and her incision wide open (the doctor kept it open so he could look later, sewing her up would risk infection.) My mom died with an open incision and a super puffy face. She looked so uncomfortable. She probably contracted sepsis, but that is not what I am here to talk about.Seeing her die made me realize how close and possible it is for me to die any day. I saw her at the funeral home, and she looked nothing like herself. Death scares me now, and its hard for me to believe there is an afterlife. I just wish she is here with me and knows how sorry I am that she had to die like that. I also feel lots of guilt, as I have dealt with depression and anxiety and would take it out on her a lot (we were also best buddies, she loved me more than anything and always told me that.) I just need some peace and I do not know how to not feel angry and guilty. I am an only child and a mamas girl. I have my dad who loves me very much, but my mom was my whole world. I was her whole world too. My mom passed away two weeks ago, and since then my views on death are now scarier and more unsettling.",Depression +16368,"So, for most of my teenage years, I have lived with moderate depression. No formal diagnosed disorder, but have a history of treatment and hospitalization. I mentioned it during an argument and y'know what I hear? ""You have a good life compared to me! My life SUCKED. You cannot be depressed."" This is funny because my life has not been that great either. Not the worst but definitely below average. It gets funnier: they tell me it is my phone and that I need to go outside. That ""going for a walk helped me with my feelings, it will help you!"" DUDE STARING AT GRASS WHILE MOVING is not EXCITING?? HOW THE H*LL IS NATURE going to CURE MY DEPRESSION??? They even brought up ""god"" being there for me. Anyways, what is some horrible sh*t you all have heard about depression? Someone just told me to go outside",Depression +16369,"I feel like I am having a big set back lately. I have had chronic depression most of my life and i can always beat it and feel normal for awhile until it comes back. I feel like I am an awful, ugly, selfish person. I crave attention and affection but I am not worth either of those things. I feel like I am wasting girls time even trying to talk to them as a friend, let alone more. I just feel like I am a big disappointment who can accomplish anything. Vent",Depression +16370,"I am 35, and have struggled with depression off and on my entire adult life. I feel like I should not be though. I grew up poor and struggled hard with money through college, but now I am stable and have a job I love, a group of friends, and hobbies. The thing that is eating me up inside is I have been single and alone my entire adult life-nobody has ever even shown enough interest for even a second date, let alone a relationship. There are times where this has not bothered me, but this last year it shifted and now feels like an insurmountable failure. it is worn me down to an unimaginable degree and is robbing me of joy in the other parts of my life. I am not sure what changed, or how to get back to where I was before. I would appreciate any help or advice I can get. I am not sure where to start...",Depression +16371,"I just hate getting down, it just always happens. I am so sick of it. I am sick of everything. Just wish life was easier and kinder. I wish my mom did not hurt me. I wish she loved me, wish she did not scream at me, wish she would not touch me. I wish that man did not touch me either. i wish i could hug someone and actually feel safe. there is no point to anything. No point. We live, We die. I want to die. I am Gunna die I want to give up",Suicidal +16372,"I am 24 this year and my life has not been shittiest than now.At 16 my mom kicked me out, I graduated high school living at my aunt's house, it was really better than being with my mom who really does not like me for stupid reasons (I am not violent or anything she is just ""old-school).3years later I was sent to a big city to go to college but I have PTSD and I slept 18 hours a day because every single friends I had was sent to private college in Paris or whatever so I have lost them all and it pushed me into a deep depression. I had to come back to my little town but I knew that I have fucked up so much because it is supposed to be the best years of your life and I have slept all time long, smoking weed at night and taking benzos and anti-depressants to fight my social anxiety. My aunt and uncle just moved out far from where I live and now they have kids so they do not have time or desire to help me, they are busy. So I am alone in my grandma's house since last summer and I never felt that alone of my entire life. I barely go outside to buy food. Now I am lost, I have no idea of what to do I feel trapped here and I cannot see emergency exit. If someone have ideas of what can I do to feel a little bit better I would really appreciate.Sorry for my english I tried my best, hope it does not kill your mood. I have lost everything",Suicidal +16373,"No, no nothing too morbid. I will be making a noose for myself, but it will not be for kms with. Just a sad sort of uncomfortable necktie I can bust out when I am walking around.Or to show just to make somebody very concerned.Or just to practice knot-tying, idk.But I am buying a rope. I am not living a dream, it is a nightmare, and I would sure like to wake up from it...so maybe let us try something different. Right? I am buying a rope...",Depression +16374,"Hi my boyfriend is ignoring me and I could find a job to stay in the country, I do not want to live anymore and I am looking for a medicines that I can OD and suicide. Hopefully over the counter meds. Any help? what is a good medicine to OD and suicide?",Suicidal +16375,Seriously it is wayyyy to long and unfair alot of animals have a decent a life span if it where up to me I would say 30 or 35 nothing higher. The thought of living to 70 is nightmare fuel I am sick of living but only staying alive for some love ones and it is a battle everyday to get up no wonder why the suicide rate is so damn high. I am beyond my expiration date I am surprise my skin is not rotting off like I am inside. Why does human life have to be so damn long?,Depression +16376,"And I am a 31/m. Just thinking about my lack of a dating life, if there will ever be hope, if anyone will ever love me, the last few girls that have rejected me. I just feel so totally all-encompassingly ugly but objectively I know I am average. I can barely keep going with this life. I am so lonely. I cried so much today",Depression +16377,"I have depression since middleschool no friends nothing, i have been feeling lonely for so long and I spent everyday in my room alone. I cannot even sit with my family because i have osme kind of trauma i just cannot force myself to because they have been laughing at me and calling me stupid all the time when i was younger. I wanted to end my life before and I have tried it but i just cannot.I do not want to die i really do not want to live like this, Few days ago my little dog just died i miss him so much he was everything for me spent every bad moment with me when i cried in my bed slept with me please let me see him again somebody just help me please you may call me stupid and even kill me but just please take this pain for a while i beg you somebody help me please i cannot anymore I am typing this crying and vomiitign please help me. I want to die so much but I am scared only thing i can do is cut myself and leave those ugly marks so then everybody hate me more even my family laughs about people commiting suicide that they are stupid please please help me",Depression +16378,I had a dream about him. He broke his leg and all he wanted was to see me and have me comfort him and ease my mind to let me know he is alright. He just wanted to hold my hands and caress my face and tell me he loved me and that he was alright.For a moment I existed in a place where he did not rip my heart out like that and I did not want to leave. I did not want to wake up ever again. I just wanted to be where he still loved me. I relapsed about 30 minutes ago. I went 10 months without hurting myself and now I have to restart. Everything feels pointlesss. My parents do not support me. My friends do not care. All I see is other couples. I cannot sleep. I do not want to see him at school. This whole time I have been so scared of dying. For 9 years I could not kill myself because I was too scared and I am starting to not be scared anymore. I just want him to love me again. I do not want to be here if he does not love me. Today,Suicidal +16379,"She took it straight to the cops instead of talking to me about my suicidal thoughts. In what world do you think I want to talk to some joe shmo cop who does not give a shit if he had to scrape me off the pavement or talk me out of suicide? If give it to you, I want to talk to you. Gave my ex gf a letter explaining my feelings.... do not recommend.",Suicidal +16380,People here do not really respond to one another. I am really feeling like I have a huge mental block and I am losing it. I just need a job especially a remote one which will suit my mental health. If anyone out there can help please help me. I live in South Africa. I feel alone even here no one responds.,Depression +16381,"I have just snowballed into an anxious wreck. The job is working in the community for at risk young people.I studied 4 years for this, I have been trying to prepare for the interview over the last few days but anytime I think about it I cannot breathe. Whenever I have lesser job interviews I cannot breathe. I just really cannot handle putting myself out there in any way, I hate trying to sell myself, I am not well spoken and even though i want a job I do not even think I am worth anyone hiring. The irony is in the job I am expected to help young people like myself find jobs yet I have panic attacks whenever I think about putting myself out there to find a job.I am a literal walking contradiction, guess ill continue being unemployed and isolated lol Got an interview for my dream job tomorrow. Think I am going to cancel.",Depression +16382,Damn things only get miserable then better then even worse than before I have not felt this bad in a long long time and I forgot what rock-bottom truly meant.I am a passively suicidal person I mean like shits bad when your one real bad day from the end but to have my only 2 friends for the past decade just phase out of my life for no reason in the last weeks truly sucks like I know it happens it allways does and in the exact same way every time like I am not a bad person it is the same be it friendship or relationship and I feel it coming every time untill one day we never speak again. These 2 people are the only people I would call family and to just feel it all slip away rapidly after nothing has happened between us and all attempts at recovering things fail really really hurts like damn cannot I just catch a break like please? When you forget how low rock-bottom really is.,Depression +16383,"I have failed. The only person who ever truly cared about me is gone. I tried so hard. Tried so hard to better myself and make her at ease again or wanting to connect. Assure her everything she could possibly do wrong I would never think bad of her. Why am i being tortured like this? Everything i told her not to worry about she eventually would do to me. I was not even obligated to help her. She messaged me needing help but she would grow feelings for me. She was sooo scared. Losing me, me ghosting her etc. She was the sweetest person ever. I fell so badly for her. Now she is gone. I could never proof how much she meant to me. Anything i tried was turned down. I was depressed before and she pulled me out of that. Now after she is gone I am completely alone again and from ultra happy to ultra depressed. My self coinfidence is zero right now. I can talk to some people, but none of them are true friends. Is this what i get for helping people and being genuine with everything to her?Crushed enough that I want to die? Is this what this whole fucking world has to offer? Yeah, nothing is perfect and you should not have expectations, but geez. She even thought i would waste myself anyway it seems. Nonsense. I only feel that way when she did not say anything. And now. I feel numb. I feel not being able to sleep. My breathing is heavy and my pulse is elevated constantly. I have panic attacks when someone messages me (yeah)I do not feel any motivation. I am not interested in anything anymore. I do not know how I can trust anyone again. I just want to die. Please. I went from a perfect fairytale to nothing. I am sorry. I cannot keep this up. I am sorry M. I cannot get you out of my head no matter what. I wish there was a suicide mission so i can be useful to the end atleast. Tired",Suicidal +16384,I lost my nana my best friend three weeks ago and I am thinking of ending it all tonight Depressed,Depression +16385,"I am sick of feeling worthless and inferior and battling the same old negative thoughts everyday. I carry around so much guilt and shame, even for shit I am not responsible for. I care so much about what others think that it feels oppressive. I often think that killing myself is the right thing because it would mean one less worthless person from a worthless background on the earth.I do not feel love or liked by anyone. I do not even think I am capable of being so. Anyone can take one look at me and know I am inferior. Who would settle for me? Who would befriend me? I am the lowest man on earth.I just want this to end. I have cried so many times. I am going to therapy. Sometimes I feel okay but then it seems to get worse. I am sick of feeling like shit everyday",Depression +16386,"I have depression since middleschool no friends nothing, i have been feeling lonely for so long and I spent everyday in my room alone. I cannot even sit with my family because i have osme kind of trauma i just cannot force myself to because they have been laughing at me and calling me stupid all the time when i was younger. I wanted to end my life before and I have tried it but i just cannot.I do not want to die i really do not want to live like this, Few days ago my little dog just died i miss him so much he was everything for me spent every bad moment with me when i cried in my bed slept with me please let me see him again somebody just help me please you may call me stupid and even kill me but just please take this pain for a while i beg you somebody help me please i cannot anymore I am typing this crying and vomiitign please help me. Please help me",Suicidal +16387,Life is a fucking nightmare. I have not gone a single day in 2020 or 2021 (so far) without seriously considering killing myself,Suicidal +16388,"Hi everyone, as many of you in this sub, I currently am in a dark place and wondering if I can ever make it.. I used to be so witty, knew how to talk to people, dress well... Now I have let go of myself, do not socialize anymore, and just cry all day.Those of you who managed to soldier on and get youraf back up, please share your stories to spread some positive and hope for me :)Thank you. Success stories please...",Depression +16389,"I have not been in a worse state ever I am in high school the best time of your life but I have just been miserable Time has been going by so fast I have no interest in what comes next like at allIf I could just sleep for the rest of my life that would be ideal in all honesty I just want to be ten feet underground The problem with killing yourself is that you could survive. Imagine having to life the rest of your life in a state even worse then now. Say you survive, would you know better to finish the job, or would you just suffer?Everything has gone downhill since that year. I had a large group of friends that year who all cared for one another. We looked after each other. We had similar interested. It was fantastic! I had a phenomenal teacher that year. Our class was so close. You could chat with anybody. It felt like a miniature family. My family did not fight every day back then. There was an influx of video games to play. Content I enjoyed (both television and YouTube) was at a peak. I actually enjoyed playing Basketball.I had motivation to get out of bed. Lastly, have not been in a relationship since 2017/2018. Have no interest in it. The worst part about all of this is that I did not cherish it as much in the moment compared to now. How was I supposed to know it just got worse? Everything has gone downhill since 2017",Suicidal +16390,"I am just fucking done I am 20 years old and my life is so fucking terrible. I have reached my breaking point. I cannot seem to get out of my head, and already regret decisions I made in the past. I feel like the devil is tormenting me.It really is pathetic that I most likely will not live past 21 years old. The only way I will is if I keep doing drugs, which is the only thing I derive pleasure from. I barely have energy to do basic things, let alone meet the high expectations everyone pushed on me.Fuck my family, people in general, and everyone else who points out my shortcomings and likes to torment me. I am glad they get to live such nice and happy lives meanwhile, I am going to be killing myself at 20. Peace out Not going to live past 21",Suicidal +16391,"I have been suicidal for years now. I do not have any life goals except maybe to be happy one day. My one and only friend, the one person who I love and trust does not love me back because we have different goals in life according to them. I do not know what to do anymore. I either loose my best and only friend and end up truly alone or ignore the love I feel and try to endure the pain while keeping the friendship alive. it is probably too late to save the friendship but I am scared to be alone, that relationship is the only thing making my life tolerable. I do not know what I will do once I am alone. I need help, I tried getting professional help but it does not help. I feel worst everyday. there is a noose by my bed ready once I get the courage to act, I only keep going because I do not want people around me to feel guilty. I do not want no pity I know it is stupid next to someone else real problem. Just venting since I have no one to talk to. No one to talk. Tired of being alone.",Suicidal +16392,"Feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this past week. The past 8-9 months I have been so fucking depressed. It began with moving to a new city hoping it would be a 'new start' and a change of pace. But ever since I have moved, I have felt isolated like I have never felt before. I do not understand the people in this new city. The job that got me to move has been unbearably frustrating and has some what put a hold on me life. How? I do not even know. I do not have friends or family here. I have never been so isolated in a crowd of people. I do not even enjoy been up during the day. And the worst issue is, I do not know how to talk to my family about things that are stressing me out. The rage, frustration and loneliness is all bottled up inside and I do not know how to deal with it. The one thing I could always rely on to help with my depression is the main thing causing my depression. Honestly do not know how to deal with it anymore. If anyone has suggests, that would be greatly appreciated. cannot seem to catch a break.",Depression +16393,No friends. No job. 31 Life just ducking blows. I am to no good use for society. I am just pissed off. Is there a God. I have been praying. This shorty existence had its best days as an innocent kid. What do I need to do to die Fuck everything. I am a piece of shit and I have to linger here and live on as if I have a purpose,Depression +16394,"one reason I am glad my attempts have not worked is because my suicide notes suck. like, those would not have made my family feel any better. i could not even put in effort to that, come on past me aaah",Suicidal +16395,fun way to go out drunk n high while slitting my wrist,Suicidal +16396,"I am hoping it is soon. Before my birthday soon. I have completely given up on happiness, I have given up on trying to find friends, and I have given up on love. I have no reason to be here anymore, and I am tired of trying to convince myself otherwise. I am tired of false hope taunting me, always just out of my reach. Then, when I inevitable lose it, I end up feeling worse than before. It happens too often. I honestly might try filling my car with carbon monoxide tonight. I hear it can be peaceful. My life will end in suicide.",Suicidal +16397,"I quit my job on Friday bc I was supposed to be starting a new one on Monday. Turns out I did not get the job. I cannot go back to the old job. And finding another job is going to take a little while. Plus the waiting period before insurance kicks in. Basically I just threw away my health insurance & my income for nothing. Now I will not be able to afford my psychiatrist appointments or any of the 8 medications I take. So pretty much I am torn between killing myself now or waiting until I am without the medication and the hallucinations, etc come back to kms. Decisions, decisions. Fml",Suicidal +16398,"I deleted my vent account because I thought Id never need to post on it again but I was wrong. I just got out of the mental hospital 2 days ago and I am already suicidal again. i do not want it to get to the point where I actually attempt to kill myself like last time though, because if I fail I have to go back to the hospital then the mental hospital. I had to promise like a million times that Id tell my parents if I feel suicidal again but I do not want to tell my mom because I do not want to worry her. What should I do? I do not want to go back to the mental hopsital but I am feeling suicidal",Suicidal +16399,"would not it be great if there can be an app that can help people in need of someone to talk to, find someone to talk to? Confidentially and safely! Here is a survey to gauge interest! Mental health app idea",Depression +16400,"I do not even care about myself, i have not showered in a week and its a mess. On top of that I am mimicked for my health problems, i do not even go to my appointments or tests because i do not give a shit anymore. Planning on cancelling my MRI and scan that I have waited for over a year because i do not give a fuck anymore. I am not tired of the situations, I am tired of life. ""you do not give a shit about anybody but yourself""",Depression +16401,"He asked why I do not have friends. I usually answer that question with ""oh i like a more private life"" ""I have been too busy"" ""Covid am i right?""No i just told him I hate people almost as much as I dislike myself. Its hard for me to speak to people because I know deep down most could not give two fucks about me. Still I am kind and well mannered but its hard talk to the same person for an extended amount of time without those thoughts trying to come out.I asked for meds too, hopefully I can actually be more like a person on them Told the truth to my therapist.",Depression +16402,"I have been formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Every so often I have a day like today where I feel irritable, nothing makes me happy, I am sad, I am angry at the world and I end up having a breaking point where I cannot stop crying. Is this just a symptom of depression? Is it an anxiety attack? I do go to therapy and take medication but I have only recently realized this is a bigger issue. Also, what coping mechanics do you use? Idk if the episode I am having is a depression and anxiety related episode.",Depression +16403,"even though I am feeling better most of the time and I am more productive at work and getting shit done it is not carrying over to my home life, i do not clean myself or the apartment i sleep all the time etc i need to snap out of it and i do not know how i do not know what to do anymore",Depression +16404,"My anger of people wronging me is making me depressed, what should I do to not feel like a loser that let us people walk over them? Hating people and being sad about my life.",Depression +16405,UGHHHHHHHHHH UGHHHH UGH UGHHHHHH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UGHHHHHHHHHHHH,Depression +16406,"You are either slave to money or god pick one eventually, something from outer space will eventually come in and destroy everything or mother nature will introduce diseases to control the population and destroy everything. We are definitely in the matrix and we have the illusion of control. That narcissistic will take away everything that you own and more eventually",Depression +16407,"I feel like most people do not seem to understand the difference. I want to kill myself because it is like the ultimate act of self harm, the biggest punishment I could inflict upon myself. But I do not actually want to be dead, which is why I have never actually done it. Anybody else here feel similarly? I am curiousPS. This post is not seeking advice or vacuous messages about positive shite. I do not want to die, I want to kill myself. Can anyone relate?",Suicidal +16408,i am so useless. please. just let me die there is no use in caring for me. please father just give up on me i do not deserve anything please. i know you do not want me to die but i cannot stay like this I am getting sick of all of this shit. I am sorry for being suicidal and I am sorry for existing. i am literally shit so please just give up on me. i am tired of having to live for others please i just want to die. please let me end my life. please give up on me please,Suicidal +16409,"I usually just lurk here but fuck has being isolated in my room recently been rough. I have no one to talk to and I just want to end this stress. My dam stomach is churning and tight as hell from this stress. I want friends but I do not have any social skills and am scared that I will lose them like I always do. Jesus 24 years of this shit is long enough, cannot I just end it and find my peace in oblivion? But I have my mom's feelings to worry about. Despite not talking much with her I do consider her the one person in my corner. Still, I just want to die and disappear. I do not belong here or anywhere else. Things will be set right when I am gone. Until then I just have to keep going step by step. Feeling the pressure",Suicidal +16410,"I know this may sound bizarre, but personally, I will rather die at a young age than at an old age. I do not want to spend all of my life, going through pain, depression, and mood swings. I have made stupid mistakes and sins, so what is the point of keep living until you reach to the old age, when you can just end now, without having to wait for a long time. I may not kill myself, but I do want to die. For now, I am thinking about getting shot in a head a robber, hoodlum, or any criminal that will later get caught one day, hence Ill die a young age. I do not want to die an old age. Its too long, and it just does not feel right, since I love to be young and youth. Ill rather die young than to die an old age",Suicidal +16411,"**This is not anti-therapy, therapy can teach you a lot of important tools, but it still has a lot of issues**Whenever I go to therapy the focus is on how many panic attacks I have been having; how often I am self-harming; rate your mood on a scale of 1-5; rate your ability to focus on a scale of 1-5. These are all just symptoms, though, and getting rid of them would not make me feel better, in fact Id probably be more miserable with no outlets or coping mechanisms. I feel like the goal is to integrate you into society as quickly as possible without disrupting anyone, rather than, you know, getting to the root of your issues. Therapys main goal is to make you high-functioning",Depression +16412,What am I supposed to do after a suicide attempt?it is been a whole day and I am physically fine now. Been with a friend since I got discharged but I am now alone.I do not know what to do with myself or how to get to the next day. So.,Suicidal +16413,"29yo male. Feeling numb and hopeless. My life is not the greatest right now: drifted from friends, single, childless, isolated and alienated, not many prospects - I can only see the darkness in life atm. Might be a trope but the only reason I have not done it yet is that I am very close to my elderly parents, especially my mother (who doted on me; being 'mum' is a large part of her identity) and it would destroy them. Felt down in the past but never like this. Strong antihistamines mixed with a strong megadose opioid is looking more like rest everyday. Not really looking for advice, just felt like talking into the void Feeling suicidal for the first time in my life",Suicidal +16414,"I am In a weird spot. Ever since covid, I feel like suicide is actually inevitable to me. Like I want to know when I am dying, opposed to dying any other way. I am close to quite a few people but I feel like no one actually cares about me. I am the one that reaches out, I am the one who cares more than my family and friends. I just feel so alone, like I am trapped in hell. I am 23 almost 24, been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was 11. Had a traumatic childhood.. and now I just live with this eternal emptiness inside of me. Like no matter how good life can be at times, its never enough to eradicate this personal sadness and hopelessness that seems to plague me from time to time. I think about death, dying, and mortality all the time. The strange thing is I do not want to die, I just do not want to deal with life. Does that make sense? It feels like there is no point to me being here. I want to die before having to face the days my siblings or parents or friends die, I want to end this cycle of hopelessness that sits with me for years. Can someone tell me what is the fucking point of life? Work a job and scrap together money for survival? Spend most of my time alone in my head? Death is inevitable for everyone, I just want to control and know when its my time. Depression and anxiety wear me down constantly, I just wish I could feel actually happy and understand the point to repeating these days over and over again. Does anyone else feel like this? I hide these feelings so well, I feel like people would be shocked if I pulled the trigger.. I do not know what to feel anymore..",Suicidal +16415,"It just does not feel like I am living anyway. I feel like a hollow log floating down the river, empty and purposeless. My life is passing me by day by day. cannot die but cannot live either",Depression +16416,"I am 18f and every day i wish i was never born. it seems like my life is a series of mistakes and every mistake i make only makes things worse.i was sexually assaulted when i was a preteen and it fucked me up mentally. I have struggled with depression ever since and its impacted basically every part of my life, and because of it, i live a pretty sad life. its hard for me to make friends because i have trust issues and i cannot open up to people. i either have the motivation to do my schoolwork or i just blow it off. maintaining relationships with other people is a hassle. i can count the number of friends i have on one hand. i just graduated high school and i was on my way to starting the next chapter of my life at the ohio state university. i was accepted into a summer program and everything. things seemed to be looking up until i got hit with one of the worst waves of depression I have ever had. suddenly everything went downhill. i could barely get out of bed, much less get to my classes. every waking minute was spent either napping or wasting my time on video games instead of being a productive member of society.my behavior got me kicked out of the program and my family found out. they said they are not paying for my tuition anymore. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, i had such a bright future and i threw it all away like a fucking idiot.there is nothing left for me here anymore. I am the family disappointment. this is my legacy. I am going to kill myself, and in a couple of years, no one will even remember my name. things are only getting worse for me and i think tonight is when ill end it.",Suicidal +16417,"My anxiety has never been that bad, generally because I just do not think that much about my future, but there are times, usually when I am already feeling like shit, that I just completely lose it and start hyperventilating, sweating buckets, crying, and basically just curl up into a ball and rock back and forth.The thing is that when it happens it only lasts a minute or two before I get a grip and calm down so I am not sure if they would be considered panic attacks What are panic attacks",Depression +16418,"Well, I have already lost it really, but I am about to lose the last thing holding me together. My friend is moving. And the thing is, it is not even far away. We currently live 5 minutes apart so hanging out is easy and frequent, but he is moving to the other side of the city with another friend and due to my financial situation I have to take insurance off my vehicle literally the same day he moves. So I cannot drive to his new place, nor can I expect him to drive to my place all the time. For example, we hang out probably 3 times a week and now it looks like it will be more like once every 3 weeks. I am losing that close connection and losing my freedom to leave my home. I am over 30k in debt at 22, $-250 in my bank account and sending out HUNDREDS of resumes.I cannot go to school because I flopped grade 12 and do not have the money to upgrade classes.And for the first time in my depression ridden life, I thought in depth about how I would kill myself. (Which I always prided myself of the fact that I never had those thoughts.)I am miserable, lost, and hanging on by a thread... I feel like I am about to lose my mind...",Depression +16419,I told my wife about my attempts a few weeks ago. I felt guilty hiding it. Now she is just going on and on about me being admitted. How can I talk her down or out of it? I need to get her to understand I am not going to do it now. Opening up / advice,Suicidal +16420,My first appointment is Monday and I do not know what to expect. What should I expect from the first meeting with a psychiatrist?,Depression +16421,"at the end of my rope now. 27 living at home, working as a welder to put myself through community college part time for cybersecurity one class a semester, just trying to get somewhere but going nowhere. been trying to buy a house but every offer is too low. rent is too high. unloved, no companionship, no intimacy for a few years. dating is unsuccessful, undateable i guess. there is nothing to keep living for. my friends are all settling down, do not really get to see anyone. all i do is work, then come home and the depression creeps in. save up my energy to get my class work done. I am a good student and like what I am studying but this is all taking too long. i used to fantasize about randomly dying maybe in an accident, now i think about hanging myself. defeated",Suicidal +16422,"I want to live in a world where ""money"" does not exist. A world that does not have a price tag stuck on everything I need. I hate society, I hate standards, I hate the government and I hate how our lives solely revolve around rules, laws and money. I hate this world. I wish I was born as a wild animal. I wish I could live a life where I could be truly free.I do not want to worry about finances and taxes. Like a wild animal, I want to worry about survival. I want to worry about the predators that could attack me at night and the weather that could destroy my home.I just want to be free. Humans made life so complicated",Depression +16423,"Just got out of the hospital after I failed my last attempt, had to be on my best behavior for like a week straight to get them to finally let me out. But it was worth it because I finally get to properly end things tonight. I do not why they always give me a bunch of pills when I discharge, they just helped me sign my own death certificate. Trying again tonight",Suicidal +16424,"I am tired of getting called a fat fuck and getting made fun off. Tired of people roasting me in public, tired of the stares. Yes i know I am 5""3 and 190lbs. It does not mean you have to make me feel inferior. Tired of the bitches on snap telling me to kill myself and that they would never date me. I am debating on silting my throat, or shooting my self with the gun that my dad has in his safe. No one can change my mind. I will also be deleting my reddit account I am doing it tonight",Suicidal +16425,"I thing my life reached a cronic depression after years of being alone and stucked in my mind, when I am not doing anything my mind starts to struggle with everything, I just feel pain and sometimes hate everything. While my mind tortures me mentally my body does the same phisically. Without even noticing i mess up my own mouth tearing chunks of skin with teeth. I keep going in this rutine and I dlnt even try to do something to stop it. Idk if i do not want to live, or if i want to kill myself I do not even know if i do not have desire to life, or i just want to die",Depression +16426,"I have scary thoughts, because I am mentally ill. they are intrusive, and my brain latches onto those scary thoughts if me doing these horrible horrible things that terrify me and make my depression horrible.I cannot keep going like this and my friends are the only reason I am still here at this point, i do not want to hurt them by doing somehing drastic. My brain cannot process events correctly which makes the thoughts and emotions worse damnit irs happening againI need help but I am just a kid, i cannot drive to get help. hell if anyone knew what was happening maybe id be in some hospital or something and i do not want that. I am on antidepressants but they only help the anxietyI do not know why this is happening. I think I am going insane and it would not be the first time I have never been this open about how i feel. I have never not sugarcoated itIm not ok and i do not think i ever will be I am in a lot of pain and its getting wors",Suicidal +16427,"Lots of things have been building up recently and are making me feel like shit. I struggle to cry properly, I do not know what it is I just cannot. I feel like that is the best way to relieve sadness but I cannot do it that way. This causes me to want to harm myself and I followed through with it. So how can I release and feel better in a healthy way? How do i release sadness in a healthy way",Depression +16428,I do not know why I am so depressed and suicidal and my girlfriend does everything to help me but all I do is push her away and call her names even though I know that is not what I mean or want. I just do not know why I do this.. does anyone else push people away people so much because of their depression and anger even though that is not what we want.. Depressed and self sabotaging. Pushing my gf away because that is all I know,Depression +16429,"I am 22 about to turn 23 in a few months.I had my first suicide attempt in 5th grad so I was about 10 or 11.So its been 11 fucking years since I first tried to kill myself and nothing has gotten better.I have been on god knows how many anti depressants, I have tried to kill my self at least 5 times. I have been hospitalised 3 times. I have been through therapist after therapist. I have tried all sorts of things and what do I have to show for all of it.Self harm scars. A kidney that might fail any day now. And a body that I never even wantedI hate being alive, I hate being trans. I hate the fact that just when I think things are getting better life has to hit me again. I am 22 I cannot hold a stable job. I live with my parents. The longest relationship I have ever had lasted a month. The only good parts of life seems to be when I sleep or eat. But now my eating has gotten so out of hand that I am 30 pounds overweight.I do not get why I was even born, all I ever do is disappoint everyone around me. I wish I could just get locked up in an asylum It just hit me I have been depressed for over half my life.",Depression +16430,"I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me, I am an ugly 23 year old who is never had a job or been in a relationship. To make things worse, I am a trans woman and have no social skills. I am convinced I will die alone, I do not even have any friends. How could anyone love me when I cannot even love myself?",Suicidal +16431,"I (20M) have parents that I have not been able to get along with since I was a teen, without completely just shutting off my personality, opinions, etc. Whenever I talk about anything outside of trivial things it is bound to end in an argument where I am always wrong, even when it comes to my own body and future. I have lived through a narcissistic dad and a mom who has been through a lot of trauma with him (although I do not even know what to think about that because the abuse repeats itself again and again). I want nothing more than to limit contact with them but they are the ones paying for my uni and because of some family circumstances I cannot hold down a job and move out. But whenever I am around them my mental health suffers worse than usual. I feel completely stuck in my life with nowhere to go and I would not mind if something just took me out one day out of the blue. I wish I was not born very often and I cannot see any positive way out if I am being completely honest. I hate typing this because I feel like I am pitying myself but I need to talk to the void at least I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +16432,I have been suicidal for months now and it is agonyI want to tell my mum that I have been feeling suicidal but I cannot i do not know what to do 16 year old UK feeling stuck,Suicidal +16433,"I cannot imagine how anyone could want to be in a relationship with me. I am an ugly, 23 year old virgin who is never had a job, has no friends or social skills, and to make it even worse I am a trans woman. How could anyone love me when I cannot even love myself?",Suicidal +16434,"I am tired. I am ready for everything to be over now. life is a pointless painful suffering and its exhausting. i do not know if there is an afterlife but hopefully my spirit somehow finds peace, and i can finally rest. but if I am being honest, I would rather not know i ever existed at all. and i want everyone to forget about me. it is been a terrible life.bye maybe. if i fail once again I will be sure to inform you all of my intact failure status I am probably going to do it tonight",Suicidal +16435,"This is regarding a family member (sister-in-law)in their 30s with both physical and mental limitations on top of severe depress. They have hydrocephalus and multiple surgeries have left her with deficits both mentally and physically. She is probably cognitively equivalent to a 15 year old and has a great sense of humor and personality.Lately she has been gaining quite a bit of weight (54 and 300ish lbs) which has, in concert with her physical disabilities, made it very difficult for her to get around and she now has an even more significant risk of falling.Her mother does not purposefully enable her and is an excellent care taker but putting her on a diet is next to impossible because she is very picky and has been known to self harm if she does not get her way. Its safe to assume she has around six sodas a day. Switching to diet is not an option in her mind and The only alternative for drinks is juice and for sugar Gatorade. I am concerned she will become diabetic if she is not already. Another serious concern is that her mother will no longer be able to provide care for her if she cannot move her. Her mother is in her 60s and has her own health issues. She very regularly strained her back trying to help her daughter off the ground or couch. Even navigating the world with her daughter in a wheelchair is physically difficult for her mother.Does anyone have any tips, success stories, advice on how to approach this? I love her tremendously and I am concerned about her quality of life if we do not change the path we are on. we have considered the fact that if things do not turn around we may have to find an institution for her but she has so many medical problems that it would be difficult to arrange and it would be a total betrayal of trust. Help with sugar addiction",Depression +16436,Does anyone else feel like they are going to be numb for the rest of their lives just from working 8 hours a day for it to be the same shit till you die? I do not see the point in life if its just mediocre like that. Numb,Suicidal +16437,My trick was to live for the small things. Like new games that still need to be released. It kept me stable but now its starting to feel stupid. The pain is becoming harder and harder to endure. Especially alone. I am scared Ill eventually give in to the pain. But on the other hand I am just really done suffering. What is a good reason to live?,Depression +16438,"I wish I would never wake up, its pretty much the only time I am actually happy. I so wish I could just dream for the rest of my pathetic fucking time I am so pathetic",Depression +16439,"Like I know I do not deserve it but if this does not work out, I have nothing going for me. And its not all bad. And its not as bad as I have had. But when you get madder and end up telling me to go. I am going to go. Should have grabbed my razors as I walked out. Thanks for throwing everything off the coffee table in the apartment I just cleaned, by the way. Fuck my life. I wish I was never born. I am tired of being treated like garbage",Suicidal +16440,"I think I just had what they call a nervous breakdown. I got triggered by a slight disagreement with my wife, and then I absolutely exploded. I ran to the bedroom and cried intensely for at least three hours. Probably the worst I have ever felt emotionally, so now I am dealing with the feeling of guilt plus knowing I let down my wife and kids by not going to a birthday party with them. My wife is confused and doesent understand what happened, and I am not really sure myself. My best guess is it from stuffing emotions, and I had finally just hit my limit Just had a breakdown",Depression +16441,"I talk to my therapists, they say i should ALOT drink less. They say, if I do not I will die.40 year old male, wife, 2 kids, family that would support me... but I feel that if I keep drinkinga(massive liver stresses already), I will be done. Without the stigma against my family of suicide.Am I crazy? I would rather be alive, but the work to be so, is too much. So I would rather surrender?I do not k ow, everything is hopeless. This is a cry for help and kind words, despite what I feel THAT means...Thanks Medical suicide?",Suicidal +16442,"Hey everyone. I am a 21yrs old guy studying in college and in the last 4/5 years I am feeling depressed with my life when I think about my social life. I was always an introvert guy and have some social anxiety. I have never had a lot of friends and a girlfriend. However since my last year in the high school I started to get some depressive thoughts, due to the majority of my friends started to have a bf or a gf and planed a lot of group activities while me and my best friend were barely part of these activities. When I started college I tried to find a new group of friends but that did not work and these depressive toughts started again. A lot of times I feel like I do not know what to do and feel bad with myself, wondering if I am not meant to have friends (I mean I only have like 3 or 4 friends I can trust) and a girlfriend that really cares about me. Feeling depressed because of my social life",Depression +16443,"i know that I am young (20) and i know there is so much potential for things to get better. and i know they get better, then worse, and then better. i know that my mind is warped by my depression. but I am just not willing to feel like this any more. i know how much pain i have left to feel in my life. and I have just had enough, I have just reached my quota of pain and distress. even if one day, it all feels worth it and okay and I am happy, I am just not really happy to be a part of this terrible world. where everything i do is enabling more suffering and abuse. how am i supposed to live a life of any kind of privilege or joy, when there is so much suffering elsewhere in the world? when i will not ever be able to live a life without wilful ignorance and selfishness? i just am not willing to exist in this world where being a person is fundamentally cruel and painful. yet this empathy i have makes it so incredibly difficult to commit to suicide and hurt my loved ones. there is no relief, even if there is, from my sheltered, privileged life- how can i enjoy it or accept it, when there are people living in war, people with nothing, people being tortured. i just want it to stop, I am so exhausted. I am just not willing to feel this suffering any more",Suicidal +16444,"So where to start, I am currently 18 made 3 attempts and failed eatch time. I am feeling a bit better now but still frequent this sub so I wanted to share a few things that got me to the point I am now thinking it may help a few of you. I found for myself music has a huge impact on me. I got myself a nice pair of headphones and spent weeks on weeks just laying in bed listing to songs that made me feel just a little bit better. This got me back into making music. I of course wrote all about how I was feeling and that got me to a point I felt alright enough communicating with others again. From there I was able to make one connection that saved me from my last attempt. I think all I am really saying is think for as long as you need to find that one thing that makes you feel just the littlest tineyest bit better and hold onto it with all you have and it just might help you out enough to find your way. Who knows how long it can last or what the future holds. Cheers and best of luck friends <3 Maybe some help",Suicidal +16445,I am in my 4th year of college with 3 more miserable years to go if I decide to keep up with school. Last semester I had a nervous breakdown and gave up on my classes and now I have all Ws to show for it.I have worked only fast food jobs for 4 years and my latest job is El Pollo Loco where I work 8 hrs shifts with 40 mins worth of break for the entire day. Its tiring work.I mean I feel so fucking low compared to everyone else. How does anyone fucking go on living? How do you people get up every day?,Depression +16446,"I am a 21 year old female and I am suicidal. I am just too afraid to do anything because I do not want to because pain to my family. All I want to do it just end my pain, not be the because of theirs. To the people who have been suicidal/overcame suicidal thoughts, how did you do it and how do you stay strong enough to survive? I am really losing more and more hope every day. The pain is outweighing the small happy parts of life. I really do not know what to do. I have gotten help from therapists, I am on anxiety medication, but I am beyond the point of help. Please can someone just tell me how to be strong enough How to cope",Suicidal +16447,"hello friends.i slit a lot today. more than ever. i sewed up the bad ones, I am not dying tday unfortunately. but the pain and the blood letting, it is almost enough to distract myself from the bigger issues. the wine helps getting to the dizzy phase but unfortunately that is as far as I am capable of going. because I am weak. the only girl who ever loved me is gone. she left a lot of stinging words. that i probably deserve. she will find someone else. i will not. I am going to stay right here, until it stops. my turn to post",Suicidal +16448,"it is finally going to happen. My mind cannot be changed. I just have one final piece arrangement to make. Should I leave a note for my family? Would they even care? Would it matter? Part of me wants to leave something behind so that in the event I am looked for, they will know what happened. Another part of me likes the idea of just ... disappearing. Unknown and unfound. A John Doe found in a park. Should I leave a note?",Suicidal +16449,"28 male here. This is something I never felt comfortable about talking to anyone about it in person as I do get emotional about it too much. I have had suicidal thoughts over the years, never brought myself to go through with it but they still linger in the back of my mind. First time was when I was in year 10 at school. All through my young life I was bullied physically and verbally. By that point I just felt completely shit about myself, felt that I had no friends, did not deserve any friends and did not deserve to live anymore. Ended up writing a letter stating how I was feeling and passed it onto one of the guys in my class. Later on that day I was on the top floor of the school walking towards the balcony area under the skylight. My intention was to climb over the barrier, jump from what would have been in effect 6 stories up and aim for the metal plate on the bottom floor.I never got there as my English Teacher called me into her classroom for a chat. Turned out she had been informed about the letter I wrote and she gave me one big pep talk which helped me to feel a bit better about myself and snap back to reality. She never knew that she had just stopped me from jumping.A few years later after I turned 19, I went into the Army. Started developing problems with my knees during basic but managed to complete it. Got to trade training and was really struggling due to my knee problems along with other things. Eventually it got to the point when each time I walked into the accomodation block and looked up to the top floor balcony, I just kept imagining myself hanging from the balcony with paracord around my neck.The knee problems continued and after a few months, I was told that I was going to be recommended for a medical discharge by the doctor. I was completely devastated by this as it was the first job I ever had and I was now going to lose it. I broke down in the medical centre and had to get picked up by one of the training staff from the camp who did provide some comfort. Later on I smuggled a large bottle of Jack Daniels into my room (no alcohol allowed in the block btw) and my intention was to down the whole thing in an attempt to kill myself that way. Again, never went through with and ended up sharing it with some of the lads when we had a trip to the beach.Left the Army in 2014 and since then, I have had a logistics job, done an apprenticeship in Fabrication and Welding and now employed as a semi-skilled fabricator. So been working on myself a lot other the years. But every so often, I have felt crap about myself and hating myself for my past decisions. And on those occasions, a voice pops into myself telling me ""why carry on? Just grab the length of rope you got in the car, go into the woods round the back of your house and just go hang yourself!"" But, there is another voice, a feminine one telling me ""no do not that. you are still doing alright. Just keep going"" and that one always wins.I have no desire to end myself as I know I have still got plenty of opportunities and time to sort myself out and better myself. But I just keep getting haunted by these dark thoughts on occasions and they bring me to tears every time. But somehow I have been able to just stuck it up, dust myself off and soldier on day by day. Dark thoughts from long ago haunt me",Depression +16450,"that is all i ask yet it still seems like too much I am at a loss for words (and everything else especially for will to live) I just really want to be dead, that is all there is to say",Suicidal +16451,"F29. I have a narcissitic father. He was not very involved in my childhood, i can say that i had a very happy childhood. The brainwashing started in teenage years, i was manipulated to go to the university he wanted, the profession, the job, he arranged everything, and i constantly reminded ""you chose it yourself, nobody forced you"". I wanted to drop the uni, but pulled ""i will die if you drop"". So i finished, started the work, and then left the job before the pandemic, i am unemployed for a year and half. All this time i try to learn something, but i cannot concentrate, i cannot read more than 2pages. Constant remindind that i am such a loser that did not listen to him. I would love to go to another university, but i do not want to fail, beacause i cannot study, remeber anything. Another problem is i am not sure what field,direction to choose. I was so brainwashed since teenage years, to go into the field mu dad chose, that i have no idea what i would like to do,work, i have trouble to remeber what interests i had in childhood, how to get to know myself? what i could be good at? How to remember who i was before?",Depression +16452,"Sorry if this is an unoriginal post, but I have noticed that evertime I get drunk I have this desire of to think about death. I asked my friend if he experiences this, but he does not.Also, I have had chronic/major depression for 5-6 years. I am on two two antidepressants as we speak (I know I should not drink, but my social anxiety will not subside). Desire to commit suicide when drunk",Depression +16453,"I apologise if this is in the wrong reddit forum, I looked on the about section of r/depression as well this one and I though this one might be better suited but I still do not know.I have recently finished sixth form ( year 13), out of school. My mental health has just gotten worse and worse to the point where I question my life every damn day, sometimes I say I just want to die, I can stand the pain.The pain routes from the pressures of having to perform highly. Weird thing is, it is not from my parents, it is only from me. Some would consider me a high achiever with academics after getting 4A*s for my centre determined grades (predicted grades my teacher are using that are still awaiting verification by the exam board). I was quite happy for a day or two, but my thoughts and depressive state just settled back in, I just continued my cycle of netflix, eating, gaming, sleeping. I also do produce some music, not going to lie, some of my projects do impress me, but it is not able to cure anything. The day that school was finished, I was temporarily relived that exams were finished and that I would be out of a place that were full of bad memories and feelings. I am quite an extrovert and really anxious around people, even those in my classes. I always felt judged and had the feeling that people were against me.My apologies for the tangent. Continuing on about the pressure, I just have this feeling that I have to do better than my ex and those associated with her: I have to earn more money, be happier, fitter. Looking at reality, none of those things are possible and it leaves me feeling worthless and helpless everyday. I have though about ending it, my fear is the physical pain, the emotional pain my family will go through and if I do manage to survive the attempt, I would have to live with the physical and emotional consequences for the rest of my life. But also how I will just be forgotten like I was never here.If I cannot mount up to those expectations and goals, what use do I have being alive? That is basically what I say to myself a lot but also in different forms.Pretty much, I have stopped talking to my friends, I do not think there is much of a connection anymore and I do not think they can help me through this. I feel alone despite being around my family.I have been to talking therapy, going over strategies that was supposed to help me with this stuff but none of it really worked. I have tried to motivate myself by working out but I was never able to do it with consistency which gives me another reason to prove that I am useless.I really just do not know what to do. Life feels too much and I am only 18. My only intentions of this post was to give my story and ask for help.I appreciate everyone who has taken their time to read this, any advice would be appreciated. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +16454,"I was abused as a child. I hear voices, The devil is always near and I have not been well since the age of eight. I think its time. I think I am going to kill myself",Depression +16455,"We had a major storm here last week. My car was totaled. My house and yard sustained major damage.I am not handling it well. I am very overwhelmed by the whole situation.And then I have insomnia, sleep apnea, PTSD, anxiety, and chronic fatigue.I feel like now my house and car reflect how broken I am. Failing at Life",Depression +16456,"pent up emotions would always be creeping up in the back of my mind and could not stand myself anymore. Feeling of self-hatred is something that many people have experienced in their lives. I belittle my own self-worth because i do not believe that i deserve the life I had been given because I failed to meet the expectations of people around me and because of that, I ran away because it was much easier than confronting my problems. Other times, I see no value in myself for whatever reason and thus begin to think that i am a burden to society and the people I care about. Because of this, i start to convince myself that maybe not existing would be better and I cannot get out of this unhealthy and self-destructive mindset. I always look at the floor while walking cannot look people in the eye and I always have negative perceptions dictate so I think people will only say negative things about me. The most important thing is I never felt the meaning or value and joy of LIFE. Speech I had to do at school for an exam called Life (its about my anxiety and depression)",Depression +16457,"Should I continue to try my hardest and still fuck everything up, or should I just take all my sleeping pills and stop worrying about it all? I have enough medication to OD, and everyday is a struggle",Depression +16458,"it is got to the point that I find it hard to get up in the morning. I lost the man I loved, do not feel challenged in my job and just got passed up for a fun gig. I wanted to try my hand as a server, to be around people without feeling like a loner. But the place I really wanted passed me up because my ex is a regular. I just feel so defeated, he wins again. Many years",Depression +16459,"Not going to be a cringy post dw, i want to die too but another reason that keeps me from doing it:you ever remember gold old times when you were happy once, and want to go back to that ? But you know you cannot ? you will feel the same way when you kill yourself....A study has shown that all people who jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in the past few years and survived, in the second after they jumped regrettet doing it.YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET WHAT you are DOING IN YOUR LAST SECONDS AND you are GOING TO FEEL LIKE you WANT TO GO BACK, Therapists came up with the conclusion that no one actually wants to die since they all regretted it afterwards Another reason you should not kill yourself",Depression +16460,"Being in the same mindset as a lot of you guys, I too see the world as bleak, meaningless, & repetitive. Thoughts lead me here & I have read many posts for months. Seems as if the thing holding a lot of us back is the trauma it would because the ones closest to us and the fact that we would not want that sadness to fall upon them for as long as they are around to think about it. But my creative mind thinks about a scenario where what if one day every human being on earth were all to be visited by something at the exact same time, something like an alien, glowing cloud or futuristic looking AI, idk. Something we can tell is not of earth, but something more powerful This being explains that every human is simultaneously having the same interaction around the globe. They then tell us their sole purpose for coming today is to give each person a choice, stay put where we are currently & continue our regular lives, or we could choose the gift of death, no strings attached, just death. They cannot explain what it is to us, but if we accept we get to leave earth & go wherever real death is. It would be painless, quick, and take no more effort than just stepping thru a void the alien has opened would you walk thru? Not knowing what death has in store, would you take the step forward, being thankful that now at least your loved ones will understand that you took the opportunity a lot of other humans from around the world probably took, or would you decide to stay & live this seemingly pointless life? Just a random movie-ish idea I thought of that would at least eliminate some of the passed down trauma. They would at least understand that you, along with however many other people decided the same, were not interested in life here anymore & wanted another option, wanted a way out. Would you?",Suicidal +16461,where can i buy a suicide/exit bag in the UK. preferably in cash. i cannot make one at home i suck at diy and will mess it up just give me answers,Suicidal +16462,"(22 F) Ran away from home. In the Philippine culture the adult is supported by the parents until marriage. As you know Philippines is a 3rd world country so its difficult to progress especially due to Corona. I started my job as an auditor which has a really low salary (about 400$ per month really low, I am in the PH). My parents are narcissists and manipulative that is why I ran away. My bf who is still a college student is the one providing for me. He loves collecting things that appreciate in value. Instead of keeping his money to himself, I add to his expenses. I go to vacations because of him. Note, he is not rich but he still gives to me. I just want to run away and be alone and stop being a burden to everyone I know. To my friends and to my bf. I think I deserve to be alone. I want to disappear as if I did not exist. everyone is life will be better once I am gone. A burden to everyone their lives will be better once I am gone",Depression +16463,"I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 7. I am 21 now. Things were relatively okay and then I got basically addicted to MDMA. For about 4 months everything was going really, really fast and I was intensely happy. I could not slow down and I made a bunch of decisions that I now look back on with deep, bitter regret. It was like a manic episode. it is hard to tell if the drugs just dug up bipolar I was not aware of or it was a direct result of them. My Dad has bipolar. I look back at that time and it is a giant nuclear bomb in my life.Now it is like there is a dark cloud in my brain. It felt like MDMA had cured my depression.But really I just went nuts.Now I do not want to live. I really, just do not want to be alive. I cannot imagine a future where I am happy. I cannot imagine a career that will make me happy. I picture slicing my wrists in the bath tub or hanging myself for about 80% of my waking time. I am trying everything. Therapy. The gym. Seeing friends. I have taken a semester off uni so I do not actually ruin everything. I just want to die.I used to have many goals and dreams. Now they have faded away into nothingness. Have I just ruined my brain forever? what have I done",Depression +16464,"I found out my boyfriend of two years (who was getting ready to move in with me) had spent the entire first 7 months of our relationship having a whole other girlfriend simultaneously. He got her pregnant and abandoned her to stay with me instead. When I found all of this out, I was devastated and broke up with him. But, I cannot help but think of all the reasons I loved him and how hard it is to quit someone cold Turkey that you were so deeply in love with. I have battled depression previously and now feels like the lowest point I have ever had. Any advice would be appreciated. How do you fall out of love with someone that majorly betrayed you?",Depression +16465,"My only friend and I, who have been friends for almost 8 years, just got into a pretty big argument. He told me that being a man is hard and that you cannot stop men from basically undressing women with their eyes in public. He says its not a man fault for staring if the woman is half naked. To me that had the same vibe as saying She was practically asking for it with what she had on in terms of r@p3. I then told him that if he thought men cannot control their actions when it comes to women, then hes an idiot and I did not want to talk to him. In response, he told me that I was sensitive and that is why we cannot have these conversations, and I that I am not a real man anyways. That last part really hurt my feelings because I am a pre-T trans guy and I have a hard time getting people to see me as a male. After that I told him to go fuck himself and I hung up on him. I know what he said was wrong but hes my only friend and I cannot help but feel like I ruined everything. Might have just lost my only friend.",Depression +16466,"So, in all fairness I am not entirely sure how I have found myself here. Do I want to leave my life behind? No, not really. I honestly have a good life with people who love me. In a physical sense, I know I am not alone. But in reality I am. I have attempted multiple times in the past (mostly with drugs). I do not remember any sort of thoughts that went into doing it. Each time it just happened. did not know anything until I either woke up throwing my guts up or in the hospital.I do not really know what to do anymore. I have been beaten and batted by my own mind for years. Each break my mind gives me just fills me with false hope. Its never long until everything comes crashing back. I have gotten to a point in my life where things continue to get worse. My memory is nearly nonexistent at this point. I sometimes see and hear things that are not real. My mind feels like its everywhere but at the same time I somehow feel nothing. I do not want to die. But I also do not want to be beaten by own mind any longer. I am losing touch. Maybe I have even lost touch already. Maybe this is the end. Or maybe it is not. I truly do not know anymore. Hello",Suicidal +16467,"I live my life on a constant autopilot, I have never bothered with doing anything that makes me work as I never really needed to and I cannot break out of the loop anymore. I cannot even decide anything as my subconscious has gotten control of everything that I do. I will soon have to start actually working but with me in this situation it can only get worse. Because of that I have started making suicide attempts, they clearly were not successful. My bodily reflex saves me from everything that i try and it might be because i want to suffer but I cannot figure it out. I cannot do it anymore. I need help making it all stop. Please kill me I am but i do not wish to.",Suicidal +16468,"I know, great title but I am serious.I had a problem with my computer and asked my dad if we had a specific cable I needed. But the way I said it was so complicated and dumb he could not understand what the fuck I was trying to say.I seriously think I hit my head a few years back and mixed with my depression (that I thought I had under control but I guess the fuck not) I am just a pile of mush, not able to think or be creative in any way.I am afraid to talk to someone (like a doctor) bc I am afraid I will look like an idiot or that they do not believe me.... Anyone else has / had experience with this...? Could have something caused my stupidity?",Depression +16469,"I tried. I tried so much, so many times. I guess i should not have existed from the begining. I loved all of you. Each and every one of you. No matter how retarded, annoying, mean, weak, or abusive you were. I did not care. I did not care. I really just wanted a good world for all of us. I wanted all of us to feel loved and happy and peaceful. But i feel sooo hurt that i refuse to exist. It does not matter how much i cared about you, i just cannot. I could see things from your perspectives, and i decided that you were alright, and acceptable and deserved everything you needed. But now..i just cannot be here. Because the other parts of this creature hate me too much, because i repressed their existence and disagreed with them all the time but now i just have nothing left in me to fight them. Good bye. Assume i have multiple mindsets in me and one is being removed, and its the mindset's last notes.",Suicidal +16470,"I have been feeling *really really* low again for the past few weeks. Today I woke up at 1 and have not gotten out of bed. its now 4... I started thinking about killing myself so I wrote a letter for my gf to have incase I did, and it kind of helped me in a way. Describing why I did it, in past tense, gave me a realization that the problems in my life are either stuff I should not care about or are not as bad as I think. I even laughed at myself sometimes. Because the whole time I was writing, I was trying to justify why I did what I was planning to do, to someone who I care about more than anything, and none of them were justified enough to hurt her that much. writing my suicide note gave me relief. made me feel like everything was ok. It even made me able to get started on my new captioning job and make some money. But is this healthy? Are suicide notes a healthy coping method?",Depression +16471,I am in fucking agony. I am in so much pain. I am slowly losing my mind.My stupid body is regularly in pain and feels so weak. The doctors all say I am healthy other than asthma. they cannot find out what is wrong with me.I have no friends. I cannot trust me family.I cannot even kill myself properly because I am too scared I will fuck it up again.I do not even know why I am posting here. it is not going to fix anything. I want to fucking kill myself,Suicidal +16472,"I am really at loss for what to do right now. About three months ago my dad was murdered. Just days before that, my relationship of several years ended, and two weeks after, my grandmother who practically raised me passed away. Since the passing of my dad everyday has been agony. Not only because of how much I miss him, but also because how much it pains me to see my mom this way. I have had mental health issues for many years, but with all this happening everything else I have ever felt bad about seems like nothing. This is the first time I have absolutely no idea on how to move forward. At nights I get this crippling feeling of being lonely. I just want someone to talk to, preferably about nothing and everything other than what is going on in my brain, but at the same time I cannot bear myself to text/call any of my friends.Its gotten so bad that I made this account just to post this, which as I am typing I realize I am not even sure why I am doing. I guess I just wanted to let some thoughts of my chest. Going through more than I can handle.",Depression +16473,"Hi everyone.. So I have dealt with a lot of mental health issues, diagnosed with BDD, BPD,Manic depression and serve anxiety disorder. Mine started in primary school age of 4, I would vomit on myself before school because I was scared of going. From then my life has stayed the same. Only reason I am alive is my mum is ill and there is no one else. I only live for her. But that is not enough anymore. I pray and wish for death. But do not do it. I attempted a few times with tablets. Then call myself a pussy because there are more permanent ways. But they scare meMy parents are old and struggling. It destroys them to see me surviving not living. I have no enjoyment. I feel numb. I am genuinely thinking about going to Switzerland. I can gather the funds. This is the most rational iv been thinking in years. I do believe I was not meant to be born. I am not crying, I am not upset or angry. I do genuinely believe death is my solution. Switzerland",Suicidal +16474,"2 years ago I dropped out of school. I was at my worst point mentally and did it on impulse. Fast forward to now. All of the people I used to go to school with graduated, most going into college, they had parties to celebrate it all. I have sat here, for 2 years, I have done nothing with my life. I have improved from when I dropped out. Those issues do not bother me now. Instead I am plagued by thoughts of being an adult. I am 18 in a month. I want to get a job but I hate the idea of an unchanging schedule. Even though I am living that right now. I can get my GED but all the research I have done it seems that is not good enough. I cannot go back to high school, it is too late. I have lost all connection in my life. I have no one to talk to. The online friends are all just surface level. My real friends and I stopped hanging out because of how different I am. I am alone. I care so much about so many people but because I have isolated they all think I hate them. I cannot do this anymore I am failing everyone I love.",Depression +16475,that is it. I just want to all emotions genuinely. I feel so hollow inside and all I have is my loneliness and sadness. I just want to genuinely connect with people with no faking everything. I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE WHAT IT FEELS TO BE LIKE THE OTHERS JUST FOR ONE TIME. that is all I ask. I just want to smile and laugh genuinely,Depression +16476,"Some things about me, I have been in the Army for a few years now (I went through OSUT when I was 17), I love video games and anime, and I love guns as well.Roughly 1 1/2 years I was sent to a mental hospital by my leadership bc I had some issues going on (I will not go into detail), but I was eventually sent back to my unit with just being labeled with minor depressive disorder. After I came back I pretty much convinced everyone around me I was fine even though I was losing it whenever I was alone, but my gf started to catch on to my mental state and brought it up. I have been trying to get in better shape now, partially because my job requires it but also to try and feel better, I have also booked an appointment with the behavioral health place on post but they have not got me booked till late august. All I can say is at least I am starting somewhere. I need to get my head straight I know that much.I wish everyone luck with getting help, and being better.If anyone has advice for what else I could do to fix my head it would be great. Finally putting the effort to fix myself. 19M",Depression +16477,"Anybody else feel like they are dead inside? And have been for a while now? I feel like very few things excite me anymore. A lot of things feel very pointless. I have goals, but at the same time it just feels pointless. Dead Inside",Depression +16478,"my depression and panic attacks have been crippling me for months, I have even started to have episodes of dissociation. for just as long I have been isolating myself, not completely, but I have noticed that my cousins in particular have started to become distant. my parents lose patience with me very quickly and I have ruined my relationship with one of my sisters but what hurts most is my cousins. i understand that they have their own lives but we used to be as thick as thieves and now they barely text unless they need something. I have never felt so alien around them, i was closer to them than my own siblings. i do not think people can stand the sight of me. admitting that to myself hurts sm. what I have noticed from the people around me",Depression +16479,"I am tired of having a legal guardian complete control over me because of my mental problems that apperently make me completely incompetent. And living in a facility for disabled.My fear is that I have to live like this forever. And makes me depressed, because I am basically a prisoner.So what should I do to break free, or not going crazy about it? What do I do?",Depression +16480,I do not know what to do. I have reached out to friends who apparently do not have the time to talk to me. No one seems to care. I do not know where to turn. If no one I know cares if I am alive the what is the point? I have made no impact on the world so does it matter if I am here or not? I do not know who to turn to anymore. I am not worth anyone's time to shoot an are you on text. I am just so lonely and worthless. I am hanging on by a thread,Suicidal +16481,"I am working a shit factory job with social anxiety so my only friends are the ones i grew up with. Being gay is horrible just sitting at home on Saturday is horrible. I am 21 yrs old. I think about dieing. My best friend that I also grew up with ghosted me back in december. no one's heard from him. He was one of two people I came out to, both are gone. Now I just feel alone. I sit at my desk all day on the pc. do not even have the energy for gaming. I have always felt this but now I have no one to talk to. Ill never make it My life is a waste",Depression +16482,and keep doing that forever and ever...because A) society will not allow me B) the sun will explode in 4.5 billion years and C) blame parents and D) blame the internet in general for feeding the fantasy. All I want to do is have trillions and trillions and trillions of beautiful women and trannies around but I have to be a slave to society and do these shitty jobs that do not add value to my life other than add to the depression.Get rid of the male disease and the internet and you solve ALL problems including corruption.This bullshit capitalistic society is what adds to the problem...and always has and always will. I cannot have the world I want so why bother with even bringing anyone,Depression +16483,"I tried the search function but mostly saw that a lot of you feeling with depression are not getting the help you need from your parents. My teenage daughter has depression that is developed into suicidal thoughts. She is getting counseling and is working with her doctor. But I need help as her father.I am looking into what NAMI offers but are there books, podcasts, or other websites that I should check? I am specifically looking for advice on how to support her. And how to deal with my own strong feelings that I am experiencing.And do you have any advice? I have tried talking to her about what she needs from her mom and I, but she does not seem to know. What could your parents do to support you? Resources for parents of teenager with depression?",Depression +16484,Sort of. cares are gone fuck the world but also could easily kill myself it is hilarious. Are they gone? I feel fantastic So fuck drunk but I am happy,Depression +16485,does not need to be anything huge. Maybe a film you watched or a cute cat you saw what is the best thing that happened to you this week?,Suicidal +16486,"I need to rant. I am 19F and I have been in this constant loop lately where all I can think about is what my life could have been if I had gone to the high school I wanted to attend. So my high school has 3 campuses, Main, North, and West. I went to the North campus and absolutely hated it, I was in a dual enrollment program where I earned an associates degree in cyber security which I have no interest in all because my parents pushed me to do it, since I am 1st generation. My parents were together at the time, but when they divorced while I was almost done with high school they stopped caring about what I did and it made/ makes me so angry that I stayed in that program for nothing! I am upset that they made the decision for me when in the end it was the least of their concern what I did with my life. So now I am stuck in this constant train of thought where I wonder if I had gone to the Main campus and done the cosmetology program how I wanted, if I would have made more friends, and potentially been in a few a dumb high school relationships. I wonder if I would have tried out for sports and been more extroverted. I think what also bothers me is that I see people from my middle school who went to the Main campus are still friends based on their social media posts, and I graduated alone in 2020 with no friends and a toxic household. How can I stop doing this?? I know I should stop being nosy on social media with my spy account, but its so hard because they were my friends in middle school at one point, so it bothers me a lot. Help?? I wish I could go back in time so so bad and fought my parents a little harder to take me out of the program since parent permission and signatures were required. All of these what if scenarios drive me crazy",Depression +16487,"I have always been an introvert, I rarely do something for getting noticed from people, I just mind my own businesses and nothing else, but in the last times I have been pretty depressed. I have a fried that is 4 years younger than me but he is basically better than me in everything: he is slim (while I am a fatball), he is smart (while I am definitely not, I risked of not passing school this year) and he has a social life ( while I always stay in my house playing video games because I have nothing else to do in my shitty life), my dad said that my sensibility is a good thing that others do not have but, let me ask this, what does sensibility give you in life? Where does it bring you in life? I have nothing good, my grandma died this year, my dog died last year, the girl I love friendzoned me, I always believe everyone I know hates me, I am a stupid obese who does not care for nothing but playing videogames, why cannot nothing in my life be good? I know nothing in life is easy, but I really cannot take this anymore I sometimes hate my life",Depression +16488,"Every second of every day, the thought never leaves my brain, it will not go away, its driving me insane, all I know is pain , this is no life to live not in this way, he will not answer my prayers when I pray, to please to death let me lay, so my mind can be free and at ease, now I am escaped, from this prison I have been in, even if it means a death date todayAnd even though if I die its permanent, I probably deserve the shit, tired of living life like a hermit, so isolated but I am just one person that is hurting, out of millions on this earth, but it seems like no one else in this world, cares about the suffering of him or her, the way they act like they care about depression, mental illness, and suicide makes me want to hurl, and its absurd , that this many humans are in agony and are disturbed , they say get help but they do not really want us to be heard, that is for sure, and although I know these are just words, I hope it will help at least one on here to have their life preserved, and to let them know they have self worth, and to tell the people that hate you that they can kick dirt, I know it seems like things just continue to get worse, so I cannot say it will get better but just know you are special and that eventually we all end up in a Hearst, so the people who talk down on you are just pieces of turds, we all die one day so let the decision be yours, and just fly away like a bird Another suicide rap",Suicidal +16489,I am sorry for not being too descriptive. My mind is slightly empty. I am f18 so just be around the same age and dealing with the same stuff (gender does not matter) Need to talk.,Suicidal +16490,Anyone else feel like there is a fissure that opens when you left with your thoughts and you just sink into further despair Just a question,Depression +16491,"Does anyone have zero sex drive. My body feels like I am dying, I am struggling to move around. I have zero sex drive right now. both mentally and physically. According to medical article, men are suppose to have high sex drive till 40s. What is the point of living when I have zero sex drive and unable to get an erection. I am basically an 80yr old man 30s and have ZERO sex drive",Depression +16492,"What reasons do you have to live? I am trying to answer this question for myself and I am struggling. there is nothing I really want.Presently I am squandering my life and throwing it away, I do not know what else I would do however. I do not have a vision for my future that I desire, the feelings just are not there. I am just existing for no purpose. I have no life goals or anything, I do not know where people get the motivation to work towards things. Reasons to live?",Depression +16493,"For the past 4 years, I have felt either flat out nothing or panic. I do not know what is wrong with me, so I would like to get checked out. Yet, I am just a minor and I really do not want to make my parents upset. Back in middle school, I harmed myself. Not too long after, my parents discovered self inflicted cuts. They asked me what I was so upset over. I could not answer them. The truth is, I could not really pinpoint what made me do it. I lied and told them that people were talking behind my back. They did not really take it seriously. They just told me that I should be grateful because I had a roof over my head and a good family. The school therapist did see me a few times, but it did not help at all. If anything, it made me feel ashamed of myself. Even earlier on, a teacher thought I had ADHD because I showed little interest in class. My parents ignored it. Everyone thinks I am doing well off because I get good grades and I am good at faking a smile. In reality, i do not know how much longer i can take any of this. I either feel nothing or intense dread at times. I am constantly hoping that time will pass in the blink of an eye. I am working so much that I feel like I am on autopilot. I do not feel like myself. I do not even remember what my personality is supposed to be like. I barely have any friends, but i think they are losing interest in me too. What should I do? Any advice helps. Thank you. How do I ask a family member for help?",Depression +16494,"it just hurts to exist. I am here typing this, crying and feeling so so so upset. i should have did it the other day. i should have continued the plan. i should not have stopped. i want to die. i feel so upset and frustrated and sad. this feels worse than last year. this feels worse than the first time something similar happened i hope i die in my sleep soon",Suicidal +16495,"Heavy stoner here, I even work at a dispensary now. I smoke weed every day and have for a few years, usually 2-3 times a day probably. I am one of the degenerates who is some level of high almost 24/7. Obviously I have realized it is excessive and as much as I love weed and it is been tough to admit to myself, I should cut back. I do not think I need to cut it out entirely forever, but taking maybe a couple weeks break is overdue, even jusy for a tolerance reset. Problem is when I do not smoke I just end up drinking which I do not even normally do. Both of my parents are alcoholics and it is kind of fucked my life up so I am usually extremely wary of alcohol, and I just do not really like being drunk anyway.But I have realized I just cannot/do not want to face life sober at all because it is scary to just be left alone with my regular thoughts and feelings. Without weed I find no pleasure or interest in doing anything, do not care about anything, and just generally feel shitty. I know it is just a temporary dopamine overload whenever I smoke and it is not healthy to program your brain to rely on it, and I was even reading a study last night that constant weed smokers get less dopamine from other rewarding activities than non-smokers. I realize I need a break, but drinking to me is way worse and the bigger problem is that I do not feel like I can face life sober anymore. If I try to take a break from weed I drink more to fill in the gaps. Realizing I am scared to face life sober bc it is been so shitty for so long",Depression +16496,"I need someone to talk to. Not just anyone, someobe who understands being angry at the world. it is not healthy, I know but I was dealt a very bad hand and I always feel so ready to snap. I just want someone to share this pain with Talk to me",Suicidal +16497,"Happy my whole life, could always see the beauty in things, that ended months ago but it lasted so long. Anyone ever found their way back? Not okay anymore",Depression +16498,"Hey, this is goodbye note. it is most likely going to be suicide; I have tried many times and thought if I succeed the I have nothing to say why and honestly IDK if people deserve to know why but hey, I am still doing it.If you know me at all or have seen any of my previous posts then you will probably know I am depressed or at least I think I am (never been diagnosed). But if you did not know I am also suicidal, I have attempted multiple time but to no avail obviously. Not quite sure when I will next try it, it could be in the next hour or in the next week. I know ""I have my whole life ahead of me"" as I have been told by everyone but honestly, I do not see the point in continuing how I am living rn with the feelings I have just for the chance that I might improve. As many of you will know I also cut myself on my hip a lot. 2 more thinks I can see I am starting to do, is counting my calories and any meal I can skip without anybody noticing I will. I am also starting to though up if I eat too much. If I have the chance to not eat for a few days I will. To my family:My twin: I know I was not the best twin brother you could have. I have always wanted to get closer but never tried and I apologise, we started very close and kind of grew apart, most likely my fault. You were always nice to me, and I understand I was probably a dick to you a lot. I am trying to be supportive to your Identity and I 100% want you to be happy and no mater I will always love you for who you are, and I know I fuck up your pronouns here and there, and I still do not do it at home because I do not know if I should. And I wish I could have the courage to go up to you and help you with what you have going on mentally, bc I can see you are not great.Brothers: I love you both, we do not talk much, but we still have fun, I miss my childhood when we all used to hangout. Being constantly called fat and an alcoholic though definitely did not help but you know.Mum and Dad: could not ask for better parents, ""You raised a really good kid. The world just Fucked me up"". I love you guys and I will really miss you; I know this is hard for you and I took the easy way out, I took all my pain and am putting it on you, and I am sorry, I really am. I just cannot take this anymore. I am filled with all this emptiness or sadness or whatever I do not know, all I know is that I have tried everything to drain it out or to replace it with happiness, but nothing works. I do not know if you will see this coming, I doubt it but maybe, after all, all you needed to do was open reddit and it will open this or look at my search history, but you always did respect my privacy.To my friends:To my twin brother from a different family: Bro I love you, luckily you still have a girlfriend by your side, so I am not leaving you with nothing. I get I am being a dick leaving you like this; I understand you will be upset for a while. I was therefore you as much as I could, we had some really fun times, and I am so glad I met you but at the same time sorry I did because now I need to leave you. I see you tried to help, I am sorry I was not good enough to be helped. I could see how much you tried, and I am so happy that you are my best friend, honestly you kept me here longer than I would have without you. You mean the world to me.That red like a ruby girl: To you I apologise the most. With your past I know hearing the news of my departure will not be good, I know you tried to help but I am sorry I was unfixable. every moment with you were great, I loved the late-night smokes and the bike rides, and I am sorry I stopped that. I loved being your friend and I am the worse one you have had because obviously I killed myself and you already struggled with that thought of suicide and I know I am not making that better. I wish I could have been a better friend, but I cannot keep going anymore, and that is not because of you, you tried to help, and I am thankful.That history nerd: I love your bro, you are such a great person and I love talking about history with you, you always try and cheer me up. We definitely did not hang enough, and I know you go though some shit, and I am sorry I cannot help with that anymore. I truly loved our voice calls at 1am. I really hope things work out for you because you deserve the world bro.That Irish girl with red hair: I am sorry I am doing this to you. The year that I got to know you was fun, always wished we hung out more. I know you told me to stop with the hole not eating thing and the cutting because of what it meant to you. I tried I really did but if you get this it obviously means I did not manage and I am sorry. You helped, sadly I am not the type of person that can get helped but thank you for trying.And finally, to the girl that means the world to me: You where the person that helped me though the worst of it. You made me the happiest person in the world for the short time we were together. We had our ups and downs, most of them were because of me, I wish I could have been better, but I was not. I wonder if we could see each other maybe things would have ended better or maybe we could have stayed but knowing be I would have just hurt you more. Honestly, I do not know what would have happened between us, who knows maybe in uni we could have met up and who knows tried again, but I mean I did fuck you up a lot so that chance of that was slim, but I guess that chance is 0 now. Or maybe that was wishful thinking, you probably want nothing to do with me ever again I would not blame you. All I can do is say thank you for being my light in the dark world, and if you still cared about me then I am sorry for leaving you like this, for never being able to meat you, for never being able to kiss you or to grow old together. All those nights staying up with you were the best. I am so happy that you can find happiness, and I looked at your post the other day and dam you looked happy, and I hope it was real. It hurt, I mean of because it does, but it sometimes also makes me smile that you are happy. I wish you the best for the future and I honestly hope you are happy, and all those plans we made you can still do but with someone better. I hope your mental health improves, and that this does not set you back at all. I am sure you will be a great sister to your new sister. IDK if this is selfish of me but I love you, always did still do now and I will still love you when I am not here. Idk if I should keep that in but thank you and goodbye <3.To anyone reading this, know it is nobodys fault. I chose to do this, and I was not forced by anyone. I have a great family, great friends and great life, but I myself am so fucked up in the head I really do not see another option. Its selfish I know and please hate me if it means it is easier to forget me. Anyone thinking oh I could have done more well I know you will think it, but it is just not true. I saw many people about how I feel, and nobody has managed for me to stop feeling like this for any amount of time so do not go off blaming yourself because you could not stop this. Even if I told one of you on the day that I did it nothing would have changed, many people have told me not to do this, but nobody understands that I am not in control anymore, I need things to stop, I need everything to stop, I want to end everything and I am sorry for the people I hurt. Goodbye you wonderful world =P Ps Sorry This is my suicide note",Suicidal +16499,I have not eaten for 4 days now. My family is still abusive to me. I am so close to be able to move out but I feel like I cannot anymore. I am scared I do not feel very Well now. I would really like to talk,Depression +16500,i hate it all i hate it all i hate it all. i hate myself. i cannot stand this hatred any longer I am going insane hate it all,Depression +16501,Anyone else feeling painfully lonely and worthless today? Lonely af,Depression +16502,I am a fat and sarcastic fucking piece of shit that is lonely as hell. All of my friends not only have relationships but open ones and are all flirty to each other I FUCKING HATE ME I do not WANT TO LIVEI am cringe and all that good fucking stuff just kill me already I fucking hate how lonely I am,Suicidal +16503,"I did not ask for this ""life"", I hate this existence. it is just pain from morning to evening, then I go to sleep and then I wake up again and every day is the same shit. I am NEET for some quite time so I do not care if it is weekend or regular day. Every day is the same torture. Either I manage to commit suicide in few days or I will go nuts completely.I am totally rejected and cast out from society. Whatever I do, whenever I go, I am fucking alone and nobody cares.I truly want to go sleep and not waking up. I want to sleep forever because only when I sleep, I do not feel such pain. I just want eternal rest",Suicidal +16504,Its certainly going to get worse. Idk the point of going on. Nothing makes me truly happy; everything feels empty and sad and I am very pessimistic about everything.,Suicidal +16505,"the sadness is constricting my chest. not even the most basic of words can escape my lips, i feel powerless and too heavy for my weak body. my mind is numbed. i want it to end. mute",Suicidal +16506,"it is absolutely ruined my mental state and my entire year of 2021 so far. I got scared after the crash and did not stick to the whole ""hold"" mentality, realized I should have sold when they removed the ability to buy but I am a fucking idiot. Then I watched it go back up afterwards and ever since I have been trying to replicate it because it was the most money I had ever seen. I work an overnight job and every morning I agonize over the pre-market of other stocks I have purchased and for the most part, only see red (I have now lost $11k). it is killing me mentally and physically. There is so much shame and regret that I cannot take it. It absolutely would have changed my life. I would have been able to afford to move out, finish my nursing degree, and actually feel like an independent adult for once. Instead, I am stuck working a job a hate living in my childhood home with no friends or girlfriend. I have not been able to focus on or enjoy anything ever since. it is all about how much money I do not have that I could have if I was not so stupid. Everyday I think about dying because it feels like it was my last shot. I always fuck everything up. It all does not seem real. I still cannot handle giving up the opportunity to make $50k off GameStop back in January.",Suicidal +16507,I boughtawholebottleofsleepingpills. Thank you barnesnobleemployee. i needed that motivation I finally did it! Thank you I needed that motivation I am going to do it.,Suicidal +16508,"Heads was go through with it, tails was to not go through with it..... it landed on heads everytime I have flipped it. Idk what to think about this. Flipped a coin to determine if I should end myself or if I should not.",Suicidal +16509,"God I am a wreck at the moment. My mind is just racing. My bf is away this weekend with friends, and was texting and checking how I was. I said I was not good but not to worry and sorry for being a burden. He said I am not a burden and he can come home early if I needed. I just burst out crying!! Anyone else very emotional at the moment? Just had a bit of a cry earlier!",Depression +16510,it is a lot more easier for people to cry at someone is funeral than it is to ask them how it is going every once in a while. Imagine if they would answer with anything but a standard 'I am fine'. No one wants to hear about your loneliness or existential dread. I just realised something,Suicidal +16511,"I have depression/anxiety that both causes and is made worse by chronic insomnia. Some decisions and events caused my depression to return this year....and like clockwork I lost my ability to sleep normally soon after.After three sleepless nights, I had to tell a good friend yesterday that I could not make the five hour drive for his wedding (and then the five hour return drive tomorrow). I just feel defeated, like I am under the whims of this force in my body that does not allow me to live normally. I cannot get excited for anything, because I know a lack of sleep at the worst possible time will ruin it.I just feel like a useless person and wanted to vent. Thanks for listening. I missed a good friend's wedding today and just feel defeated",Depression +16512,United we stand divided we fall How New Ketamine Drug Helps with Depression,Depression +16513,"After having a great month then dipping and talking to friends about it I felt like a fool/burden and decided to just tell people I am better again. But I am not. Some days are better than others. I am still seeing my therapist but I am really trying hard to not burden my friends anymore. I want to talk to my friends and tell them the truth.. but I am trying to so hard to be strong and get people to have normal conversations. I understand people are busy.. but then why they do not respond, I start overthinking I have lost friends because of my depression. Mind you, I just golfed with one of my closest friends yesterday and have more things planned. Yet.. I feel so ignored today. Fake being okay.",Depression +16514,"I do not know when or why I started feeling like a burden to everyone around me but one day I just shut down and stopped talking to everyone. No one ever reached out. 8 years went by in total silence. Everyday I think I about ending it. Day by day pieces of me die. I hardly smile. Most days I do not even speak. I think there is no way I make it to 40.... 5 more years of silence have gone by. I am now almost 31 and Its occurred to me that I might actually make it to 40 at this rate.I stopped talking to my father when I was like 14-15. His new wife had 2 kids and I guess I felt left out or not loved. Who knows. My dad however had no problem letting me move in with my mom. Despite the fact she had no housing and lived with friends/boyfriends. Brother and sister stayed with dad. As you can imagine. Life was not good. At 16 my dad rented an apartment for my mom and me. She moved in with her boyfriend and I lived alone. No one to tell me to go to school or brush teeth. Most nights I went to bed hungry. At 17 I lived in my dads office for about 3 months before he rented another apartment for me to live in. I Dropped out of high school as a sophomore and got my G.e.d.....no job, no friends. Just me in an apartment with no furniture. I took the lease over at 18. No idea how to prepare for the future.I thought it was cool at the time but the problem is, life moves on....Now here I am, alive, wishing it was over. I wasted 10 years of my life alone, feeling sorry for myself. I did not save any money. I do not even know what a 401k is. None of these things mattered to me, because I thought I was going to end it. and In that time, my moms health severally declined. She was my best friend. The only one I could talk to. Now we cannot even have a conversation. She just stares blankly with no expression. I probably do not have much longer with her. My dad is living his best life. Brother and sister, the whole family looks happy. All I feel is regret. I have no one. I need help, but why would they want to help me? The burden back from the dead, here to make my problems yours. I do not want that. I do not want to die. I desperately want to better myself, but I do not think I can do this alone. I did not think Id make it this long. Now I am full of regret.",Suicidal +16515,"Its all I have. When I am not wearing makeup, Id rather die than have anyone see me. My own narcissism will eventually kill me. Everything good in my life, my friends, my boyfriend, I would not have that if I was not pretty.I feel so numb. The meaningless compliments give me a reason to live. My personality will always be boring. When I am not pretty anymore, Ill be destined to be lonely. And for that, Id rather die. Ill kill myself as soon as I am not pretty anymore.",Suicidal +16516,"I am living with my partner that has depression, we have been together for 6 months. I have never been with someone that has depression and am trying to be supportive, I know that I cannot fix him nor is that what I want to do. I love him and know that his depression is only one part of him and not all of him. But I am not sure how to be supportive in some cases. Like when he sleeps for 20hrs a few days in a row or when he shuts down emotionally. I always let him know that I am here when he is ready but seeing him like that is starting to hurt me. Which makes me want to be more helpful, yet I gather from what I have read and heard from others that is not actually very helpful. We have very open communication and do talk about this, but sometimes he does not know how to answer, which is understandable. I have read books and done heaps of research online about depression and being with someone with depression but I think that hearing others stories and advise would be really helpful.What are things that I can do that support him when he is at his lowest and when he is doing well? I understand that everyone is different but any suggestions or personal experiences would be helpful. Also, any suggestions for my perception of his journey- I do not have depression so I think that sometimes I take his actions and words the wrong way. Id like to be there for him and be sure to take care of my own mental health Advise for being with someone that has depression",Depression +16517,"i do not feel the need to exist or experience anything anymore. (need is a strong word.) pretty simple, right?the logic behind preparing seems fundamentally flawed.the fact that I am typing any of this out seems stupid.there are bridges all around the country. i have a car. i have the means. no longer feel the need to experience life",Depression +16518,"Self-Fulfilling Prophesy: *The sociopsychological phenomenon of someone ""predicting"" or expecting something, and this ""prediction"" or expectation coming true simply because the person believes it will and the person's resulting behaviors align to fulfill the belief.*I have a lot of anxiety about the upcoming immigration to from Russia to Israel, where my parents live now, and I have been feeling afraid that I would be denied entry after I have done all the work they asked. I have been chatting about it with my gaming friends for a while, which would calm the nerves a bit. But I have been feeling angry at my gaming friends today. We used to be tight when I was in the you.S. being in the same time zone made it easier to play games together than it does now. Our little group helped us get through the pandemic, as we would get online every night and play PUBG, Apex, Destiny, and many other games we tried over the year. And our little group grew - first it was just the three of us, now it is seven. We also knew most of each other IRL, so we would hang out at a bar or play D&D together.When I moved back to Russia in April, I used to ask them every day if they will be on, because I have got no other socializing going on for me except for family. Every day I would wake up at 7 AM on my time just to speak with my friends. I would spend a couple of hours with them, before they would peel off to sleep, and then spend the rest of the day anxious about immigration.But as the time went on, I started to get less and less responses. I would ask in our chat if people were planning to be online in the evening while it was still morning over there, just to make sure that everyone got to reply. Also, so I would get ample time to see their answers, to know when I should wake up. Initially I would get many confirmations, then less and less, then people stopped answering consistently. Eventually I would feel lucky if I got so much as a no. The distance separated us. Over time they have become busier with jobs picking up after COVID mandates lifted, with new partners, just life. I however, regressed: I am alone (or more accurately, feeling alone), I got no job, I separated with a girlfriend of 7 years, because the distance and the uncertainty of whether I am coming back to America and when, made our relationship impossible. Chronic depression became more consistent. I started to realize that I was angry at them for moving on, for finding people closer to them to spend time around, for hanging out together without me. I started blaming myself for feeling angry and upset that I was not getting the socializing I needed. I have had my depressive episodes and they have offered support over chat, which was a nice gesture. But I realized that I was angry because they said, They were there for me, except the times when I needed them. I cannot blame them for not noticing that me asking if people are online in the evening is a cry for help. That I am desperate for human contact other than my family members that I am forced to live with because I have nothing else in Russia. That I feel alone in a crowded room.I feel lonely. I feel unwanted. I feel unattractive. I feel like I am nobody. I feel like I have got nothing to offer. I feel let down because I have let myself down.I had a dream about living in the you.S. till the day I die.I LOVED living in the you.S.I feel like I have let myself down because I had not fought harder for my right to be there. Because I have not explored more options for stay. Because I did not participate in the Green Card lottery consistently. Because I did not save money to go to Grad School. Because I did not confront the Executive Director of the facility I worked at as a Counselor when he denied my request for a work visa, which they did sponsor for past employees.During these 8 years I have learned the language almost to perfection, I got a college degree, I have worked, I have got a B.A. in Psychology, I worked again, I asked, politely to let me work longer. I did everything right. And it was still not enough.In my academic life I have felt like I was barely passing, that I was procrastinating and not doing enough. I feel like I do not deserve both of my degrees. In my work life I feel that I was lucky I got my job and that I did not deserve it. That I was not doing more than I possibly could, even though some days I would work for 15 hours straight during a pandemic, ears red from the facemask loops, then falling into my bed half-dead, after driving home for an hour, so that I could be up in another two to do it all over again.And still I feel let down because I believe I let myself get kicked out of the you.S.And now I sit in the apartment in Russia, struggling to send out the paperwork for the Israeli immigration, because I am afraid, I am going to fail at that too. I choose not to act because I do not want to disappoint myself again. And it will come true, because knowing all of this is not enough motivation for me to do something about it.So, all I got left is the feeling of anger at the people who cannot play with me no more. My Self-Fulfilling Prophesy",Depression +16519,"Every day is the same. Same routine, it is like a cd that keeps playing and playing. I hate going through the same shit every day. I am legit nostalgic about 5-6 months ago, feels like an eternity has passed since then.I honestly hate my life. Everything used to be so different. Used to have a good life, enjoyed my hobbies and actually enjoyed living. It stresses me out that time is constantly changing and there is a chance I will be like this forever. I just want to go back to the old days, every single day I want to go back. I do not find enjoyment in anything anymore. Every day is the same",Depression +16520,"I have a plan, but not an exact date. Sometime in August. I have an unknowing accomplice: a Tinder date who likes to take long scooter rides. We did one 24 hour ride a few weeks ago, around the whole island of Taiwan. I asked if he would take me to a really tall bridge on the Southern end of the island, which would be a 12 hour drive, both ways. He thinks I want to go there to enjoy the view and take pictures. It is technically a tourist spot. I do not have my own transportation, so if he does not take me I will have to wait until later this year, when I can afford my own scooter. I fantasize about jumping: taking my helmet off, walking away from my companion, putting enough distance between us so he will not have a chance to grab me, and climbing over the guard rail in one smooth motion. I looked at the guard rail on Google maps so I could imagine how exactly I would climb over it. I do not want to stumble. I do not want to give him a chance to grab me. I feel motivated to desensitize myself to the idea jumping, so I will not hesitate once I get there. There is a small part of me that does not want to go through with it, but I have a strong desire to overcome this. I feel morally obligated to give living a chance, because I know how suicide affects the people left behind. I feel bitter and angry towards the people that love me, for making me feel guilty for wanting to end it. I cannot seem to picture a future that I can look forward to. Trying to imagine the future makes me feel agitated and makes my chest hurt. And yet, imagining my grandparents or my brothers finding out that I jumped off a bridge, makes me feel horrible as well. The tension between these two variables is driving me fucking crazy. cannot stop fantasising about suicide",Suicidal +16521,"Hello all, I have been a long time lurker and this is my first time posting. I am 27M and I graduated college recently and since then I have been working at a new full time job related to my major. Most of my days during the weekday is usually spent in the office from 9-7 or so, and after work I just sit at home all by myself playing games. I just moved out of my parents to a place all to myself. I have had depression for the longest time and me moving into a place all by myself is making me realize I am all alone. My ex (5 months of dating, who I came to the closest to loving someone, and I broke almost 3 months ago now and I have gotten over things quickly but its hard to get over her. Since then my depression has just gotten worse. I have tried to reach out but she does not respond to my messages. Life is just depressing and just sucks. New chapter of my life is lonely as hell",Depression +16522,"i have always had severe paranoia and never really felt safe and had horrible anger issues. i eventually got to the point where i just wanted to hurt people and break things and then leave the universe. i eventually recovered from that (i was still paranoid all the time). but now, i just feel like my soul went into a black hole. I am just angry, scared, and and i kind of feel depressed but not really. and i do not care about anything anymore. i kind of just want to lay in a peaceful field, watch the sun set, and the birds fly, and then leave the universe. this literally happened all of the sudden, and i have never felt like this before. am i depressed? is this just hormones because of puberty? is there something else wrong with me? am i depressed?",Depression +16523,"This sounds very odd, however, as of late I have not been feeling *anything*.I used to constantly be sad or have bursts of motivation only to fail, and make me even more sad. But now I feel nothing. Every time something bad happens I realize it does not matter. My life will always be shit and I will always be a disappointment to people, so why should I try? do not get me wrong, I am still severely depressed but I feel like I am entering the stage of being numb. I see a lot of people here saying they feel nothing anymore, even sadness. It might just be because I have been in a prolonged state of depression(years) and I have told no one or gotten any help at all. I have just been living inside the hell silently. It probably caused some severe damage to me and I cannot feel emotion anymore. When my mom/dad usually screams at me, in my head I hope they die. Then later I take that back because I feel sorry. But now I do not have that anymore. I do not care if they die. And I leave it at that. The only person I care about now is me. Everyone else should commit suicide or die, not me. I am not depressed, the world is just too happy and conceited. Depressed depression?",Depression +16524,"I cannot talk to anyone about my problems, I see a therapist every Friday but it always feels like the world is closing down on me. I have been dealing with a specific OCD theme for the last 8 months and it sucks. I feel like I will never get over it. On top of that, I am lonely asf. Sometimes when I think about I start getting panic attacks, my whole life is flying by me and I am just a sad sack. It feels like I cannot breathe. it feels so lonely and it sucks.",Depression +16525,I do not know how much longer I can do this shit Pls help me,Suicidal +16526,I am 17M scizoafftive and have no friends. I have been abused sexually physically and mentally almost my whole life. I cannot even being to tell you how many times i was hit over the head violently with objects. I have never been told i love you either by anyone in my whole life. When i vent about my problems people just tell me to man up or grow a pair your a boy. I have not slept without nightmares since i was 6. No matter what med I am put on or how much therapy i go to nothing help's me. I am pretty much crying myself to sleep every night because I am so lonely. I am pertty sure the amount of times i was hit over the head have taken a effect on me because i cannot do basic multiplication or division and my family calls me retarded because that is basic math. I am unlovable I am worthless i have no friends and pertty much no reason to live and will most likely be homeless by 18. People tell me I am to sensitive what do i honest to god have to look forward to? 17M severely abused throughout my life.,Suicidal +16527,"I have made my finally decision I will commit suicide, most likely by the end of the day. I am looking for the best time to do so. I just want to say I have tried so fuckin hard I am too exhausted to continue. Please help me, I cannot anymore. PLEASE HELP ME",Suicidal +16528,"When I try to open up to people about depression, and they respond with, how do you have it? You should not be depressed about. People have it worse than you I absolutely get that. But it still does not replace the amount of emotional trauma I got growing up from bullying. I then get in a deeper slump trying to think yeah, why should I have depression. Anyone else get these type of responses when you try to open up? Absolutely hate when people say: You should not have anything to be depressed about",Depression +16529,I am gaming with my cousin every evening but hes is making fun off me and trashtalking me recently more and more Especially when others are around. I still like playing with him but his toxic behavior is mentally stressful for me. He also wint stop even if you tell him. I have nobody that will play all the games with me that he does so its a hard decision for me if I should leave or bear the trash talking. What do you think? Should I stop talking to my cousin?,Depression +16530,"I hope this is my last post. I am in a lot of pain. I never wanted this. I never wanted to be hurt repeatedly throughout my life. I never wanted to be touched. I never wanted to be ignored. I never wanted to be fucked over. I am on this road of self destruction. I do not know why but I cannot stop it. I want my mom. I want to be held, to be secure. But that is not how my life will ever be I guess. I am in constant fear and misery. I guess now, I want to say sorry. I am sorry for being such a pain to everyone who got close to me, I am sorry for making you watch me slowly die. I am sorry that I cannot seem to get better. I really want to be, and I have really tried but no matter what I do I always fall back into the pit I was in. My happiness does not last long. I want someone to save me. Maybe that is childish idk. I love my mom so dearly. I do not ever want to live a day without her. I love my boyfriend. So much. I wish I was not such an ass. I think he could be done with me. I love him. I want him. I really cannot face being alone, it scares me and it hurts. I love you I love you I love you I love you Hey",Suicidal +16531,"I am a very average person, everyone around me is above par in whatever they do, I am no match in front of them also I am a very toxic person, I pushed all my school friends away and I am pulling my current friends down into that same hole. i am affirmative to have a very bad influence on them, I am lazy, arrogant and take people for granted, last night i was playing with my brother and somehow I kept sabotaging the team .i am the most useless person in the entire world and virtual world. The best part is I have no trauma to act as a foundation for my behavior I am just a horrible person. I am still manage to wake up every day go to work behave nicely but you know what I do not want to do it anymore. I just think the world would be better off without me,",Depression +16532,"Nothing like being hit by random crying spells and thoughts of suicide and having to excuse myself from communal areas in the house. My extended family mocks me over this behavior. I just suck man, I do not want to try anymore. I want to die. I am defeated, man. This disease has ruined me. I am 23 and have skipped out on everything out of fear, I cannot keep friends anymore, I do not believe I will ever be in the right mindset to have children, i am struggling just to handle school, i cope through drugs and alcohol, I am half the person I used to be, I am an absolute loser. I am the disappointment. I just want to disappear. I have been at the I am not sure how much longer I can do this point for five years. I cannot even work up the nerve to kill my self.God help me I can tell that I am a disappointment to my family.",Depression +16533,"I just want to speak to someone, about wharever Anyone avaible for a chat? Sfw",Suicidal +16534,"I keep getting suicidal ideation when I am tired. I get some rest then I feel a little better, what gives? Thoughts when tired.",Suicidal +16535,"I had enough. I should have died when I was 8.I should have died when I was 9.I should have died when I was 10.I should have been death before I was 12.But here I am. I delayed my death for 12 years. For what? Nothing. Everyday is same. it is not getting better. it is never going to get better. I am old. I am too old. Writing here and getting supportive comments from children younger than 15 is hurting me more. I am fucking 20. I should deal with my shit. If I am going to live, live like a fucking adult. If I am going to die, die like a fucking adult. I have to stop acting lika a fucking cry baby. Stop fishing for some comments that is going to help me. I cannot stand myself. I cannot live for myself, die for myself. I am incapable of doing anything. I have to do it. I really have to. Maybe me writing this shit is fishing for some pity for myself too. Pathetic. Fucking disgusting. I am done. do not comment please. it is just me talking to myself. I am 20 and had enough.",Suicidal +16536,"I am on a family trip in New York and I forgot my medication. I had gone back onto it a week prior to the vacation, but forgot it while packing. I do not get home for another week, and I am already miserable. I feel devoid of energy and life and am so frustrated with myself. I leave for college in a month and feel like I am wasting my final days. On top of this, I am going through sort of a breakup and I already feel like an emotional burden to my friends and family. I have journaled but I have nowhere else to go for help. My last journal entry was suicidal and I am just very dissapointed in how pathetic I am. I am so fucking depressed",Depression +16537,"I am currently taking 300 mg of Wellbutrin (bupropion) XL and was wondering if it was safe for me to take on an empty stomach, as I have not eaten in 3 days. I heard that the risk of seizures increase when used by those with disordered eating, so I just wanted to see if anyone had any experiences with that. I currently am not experiencing disordered eating, just depressed with inconsistent eating habits lol. Wellbutrin XL on an empty stomach?",Depression +16538,Is that someone is experience w ssri? Going from extreme anxiety/depression to feeling like a normal human? Ty. Can ssri cure suicidal depression?,Depression +16539,"Hallo an die Meute,ich habe mich heute angemeldet, um zu dem Thema ""Depression(en)"" meine persnlichen Phasen zu teilen und mehr von euch zu lernen, um meinen Blickwinkel zu erweitern.Momentan bin ich verdeckt I am ""survival mode"". Das bedeutet: Auf der Arbeit mchte ich mein Bestes geben, mitdenken und mit anpacken, neugierig wirken, nicht anecken und keine Aufregung erzeugen.Aus Angst vor Konfrontation mchte ich eine - eigentlich knstliche - Harmonie erhalten.Wenn ich nach der Arbeit nachhause komme, bin ich erschpft. Zu erschpft, um etwas aktiv zu tun, um Dinge I am Haushalt zu erledigen, um Dinge zu planen, um berhaupt mit mir bewusst was anzufangen.Ich ""freue"" mich, nachhause zu kommen, um meine Ruhe haben zu knnen und alleine zu sein; damit ich meinen Gedanken nachhngen kann, um zu verstehen, warum ich gerade oder anhaltend so vermischt und verwoben fhle, was der jeweilige Ursprung ist bzw. Auslser sein knnte. Und um Essen in mich ""stopfen"". Kein Zgeln, blo Appetit auf alles mgliche, ohne es jedoch wirklich zu genieen oder physisch zu bentigen.Ich will mich kommende Woche an meine rztin wenden und mit ihr weitere gemeinsame Schritte besprechen. Ich mchte nicht mehr vor meiner eigenen Depression weglaufen, sie verdrngen und kfigen, um ja nicht von meinen Mitmenschen stigmatisiert oder abgelehnt zu werden (Szenarien I am Kopf vorhanden).Ich will gerne Unbewusstes in mein Bewusstsein holen, es aufarbeiten und klren - um eben darber aufzuklren und das Siegel der Stigmatisierung (& Unwissenheit) zu brechen.Wie geht es euch aktuell? Welche Schritte/Rituale helfen euch, sich stabil zu fhlen und frhzeitig das ""Reinschlittern"" in eine depressive Phase selbst zu bemerken und anzunehmen? survival mode aktiv",Depression +16540,"When I am on a bridge, I cannot jump.When I am holding a knife, I cannot cut deep enoughWhenever I am in the spot to end my life, I cannot.Yet it is all I want. I do not want to live, I hate myself and my life. I am alone, no friends, no job, no school. I am a nobody. All I will be leaving behind is my family, but I have accepted that. But I cannot take the 1 step that I need to take to die. I cannot cut my vein, I cannot fall of off that bridge. Why? Why the fuck am I unable to do 1 thing right? Why cannot I do it?",Suicidal +16541,"My best friend had ""kind of"" broke up with her bf and the last time we texted meanwhile was when she was crying, basically the moment it happened 2 days ago and I tried comforting her as well as I could, but I am worried and I do not know what to do.I am also supposed to die on the 21st and I mean I want to and I am getting ready for it for a whole month now, but on the other side I do not, but I cannot imagine living past it, while I am literally unable to do anything. She is also the only person I trust and I mean I have promised her that I would tell her everything if she would tell me when she is down, but I never get the timing as to when to say stuff because I do not want to burden her and it is not her responsibility, there are more important things than me. Basically I am lost and I would appreciate any help, because right now, I know things will end badlyThank you everybody, I am sorry if you feel bad after this, I just do not see a way with a different result that I see right now, I hope that you guys are okay, as okay as you can anyways Can somebody help please",Suicidal +16542,I do not know if I want to live anymore. I just feel so shit. It comes and goes but I honestly do not think the good time are worth the bad. I just want nothing.,Depression +16543,"Lifes rewards do not match its good deeds and its punishments do not match its crimes. Life is unfair, everyone knows this, so why do we value it so much? Why do we put ourselves through it and/or advise others to do the same? A few moments of piece for a lifetime of pain.",Depression +16544,"I feel empty and numbLike I know what I have to do for myself but I do not see a point. I am having so much trouble finding therapy that I can afford and that would work for me. Nothing is fun. I went to a party and basically slept through the whole thing. I feel bad because I keep venting to friends and they are great. And they say they do not mind. But too much is too much, and I feel like I should really cut it off there.I am in a relationship with someone who unintentionally has hurt me greatly in the past, and I am still trying to unlearn and forgive that. I am constantly uncertain. I cannot get out of bed and I cannot stand feeling guilt and weight on my shoulders, for being uncertain, for having a learning disability, for taking my time, for standing up for myself. I have very little fight left in me, and being by myself makes matters feel worse I do not know",Depression +16545,"I am so mentally and physically exhausted and my room is disgusting. I have dirty plates, trash and dirty laundry everywhere on floor the beds and I am moving tomorrow at 11am, I live on a farm where i work full time and my depression has gotten worse the last months and its so much and I just feel like I cannot? I have started twice but everywhere i look there is more and more, rotten food in the fridge, so much dog hair, old plates with food and I do not know if I can do it. Its almost 11.30pm now and I am so angry at myself because i wanted to be better and on medication but i keep forgetting them because of my ADHD. I just feel like giving up. I do not think I can do it ( messy room )",Depression +16546,I wake up and lay in bed for almost 4 hours. When I do eventually get up I have already wasted my day. Sitting and doing absolutely nothing then regretting. As time goes on I become more and more emotionally numb. When I go back to school I will most likely do awful. The physical and emotional pain I feel is becoming overwhelming. Living is too hard,Depression +16547,"How do I kill myself? How do I do the thing I always wanted to do.I will be leaving my family, I know that. I do not care about my life and I just want to die. But even with that in mind I cannot. when I am on that bridge I cannot jump, when I have a knife I cannot cut deep enough. What in the hell is holding me back and why cannot I just do the 1 thing I want, die. How do I finally succeed at something in my life?",Depression +16548,"I feel like a husk. I have no thoughts in my head. I have no feelings in my body. I have no hobbies, few friends, and I spend most (if not all) of my time alone, in my apartment, bombarding my brain with mindless nonsense. I feel like I am incapable of making a decision and missing that piece of the human brain that tells people to do things. To plan and to identify how to make things happen.I did not realize that is how I was living, until one day, I did. And when it clicked, I wanted to vomit. All of the time I wasted. All of the people I pushed away. The experiences I never had. And that made me seek help.it is been a couple weeks since then. I have been battling. And today, I had a thought. I have not said this out loud to anyone, so I am putting it here. I think I was emotionally abused.I remember being 12 and having a friend over playing Thrillville on the PS2 and my mom coming home drunk at 2am screaming at me for staying up so late. I remember all the nights that I would hear her and my stepdad come home at 1am, and I would immediately flick the lights off and try to go to bed, because I was afraid of if they would fight or if they would scream at me. I remember being in high school and afraid of having a relationship, just because I would have to tell my mom about it, and I knew she would freak out. I remember the time when I was 17 and she would constantly take my phone and go through it when she drank, and one of my friends sent me a chain text about buying pot from him. I did not even smoke. She called him and screamed at him, and then she screamed at me. I remember being 21 and she slapped me in the face, grabbed my arm as I tried to storm out, and when I yanked my arm out from her grip, she fell and said she was going to call the cops on me, and that they would arrest me because ""I am a man and she is a woman."" I remember being 16 and trying to work up the nerve to go downstairs and get a bowl of cereal, because I was afraid.I feel like my brain shut itself down back when I was a kid. Said that it was going on autopilot, because there was no other way. And I have spent all that time since then alone. In my room. By myself. Doing nothing to better myself. I graduated high school in that time. I graduated college in that time. I became a relatively successful adult (so far, at least professionally) in that time. And yet, I do not know me. I am lost. And I am afraid that it is too late to ever find myself. And that I was taken from me against my will. I think I was emotionally abused.",Depression +16549,"My life is unsalvageable. I have always been the ugly weirdo. Nobody has ever really valued me. I am either treated with contempt or ignored. I have never and will never experience the parts of life that make it worth living. I have thought about it a lot over the years, and I am certain that killing myself would actually be the smartest thing I could do at this point. The only thing that lies ahead of me now is a slow decay, getting uglier, less capable mentally and physically, and even less valuable to others and society at large. There is legit no downside to me being dead. I would not be missing out on a damn thing (because you cannot miss out if you do not exist) but as long as I am alive I will be needlessly suffering and missing out. The only problem is I am afraid to kill myself. I am afraid I will fail and end up maiming myself, but being kept alive by idiots who think they are doing something good. I am also fucking angry that my life has been nothing but a waste! you would think I would get to have one beautiful experience to make all the fucking misery worth it but nah. To conclude, life is bullshit and I cannot wait to be taken the fuck out of it. Suicide would genuinely be the smartest option for me at this point",Suicidal +16550,woke up this morning to my paycheck being swallowed by debt and did not have enough to cover other expenses that were automatically pulled from my checking account. so now my balance is negative. i do not know how I am going to eat food for the next two weeks if anyone can help me out with like $25 it should be enough to avoid an overdraft fee and buy myself food until my next paycheck. i literally do not have any options here this is the first time that i have been in this situation and i do not have anyone to help or support me. no boyfriendno family. just me and my silly little debt.my PayPal is samanthamariasaintjames@gmail.comcashapp is $samanthastjames I am not okay,Depression +16551,It never gets better. It certainly will not get better for me ever. Everything's falling apart. I do not want to live. Life is unfair. It keeps getting worse and I want to die. Every day for the past 6 years I have had suicidal thoughts. I have thought of killing myself and I am a fucking coward for not doing it already. I am 19. Fucking 19 only. No one cares. I have no one to talk to. No one gives a shit. they are all pretending. I hate everything. it does not get better does it?,Suicidal +16552,Everyone would be better without me I do not really care about anything in life and it feels like no matter what I will end up killing myself one day so what is the point in living Is there even a reason to live?,Suicidal +16553,"have not been with a girl in over a year, have not had a gf in 4 years; no sex in 3. went on a date last night which was horrible and have not had any other success, and just have no friends in general, been feeling like I am going to eventually just live alone forever and instead of living like that would rather just kill myself now so I do not have to deal with that pain. Only problem is I probably ever will not bc I have a cat who I love and I still have my parents who I love and cannot make them go through that, but if they did not exist Id definitely do it. Therapy does not work and I have tried all the meds out there. Fml Probably should just Kms now instead of being alone for the rest of my life",Suicidal +16554,When I was 7 I wished you did not make it to highschool now I am 15 and a sophomore and school start August 2nd and I feel like school just ended I am suicidal every 5 mins I think about killing myself and I hope I can do it this year Highschool,Depression +16555,Sometimes I take more sleeping pills so I can sleep for a longer period of time. I use sleep as an escape from depression,Suicidal +16556,"Hey guys,I have been depressed most my adult life but these past few years have been really bad. Back in 2016 I developed this headache and neck pain that to this day pretty much runs my whole life. I have had a headache of just about every minute of every day since one specific day in 2016. No doctor has ever been able to figure out. So I am forced to just live in pain and basically act like its not there if I want to try and do much of anything. I had dreams and goals since I was in HS. I wanted to be a P.H.d molecular biologist doing some sort of academic research or work in industry. I worked really hard and got into the best uni in my state, got a full ride, and during college did fairly well with a lot of new aspirations developing. I was depressed on and off during this time. Usually having to do with girls or test grades or finances. Stuff that you can deal with. But all in all i had a lot of friends and would say I was generally a happy person.Then the headache hit. I always thought it would just go away one day but as the months grew I started to isolate and become incredibly depressed. I got through school but it was so ugly. Had to use substances just so that I could even study molecular biology. At this point I was starting to get really upset with everything. Often I would get upset with my friends and peers because they did not have to deal with this. I would get invited to stuff but honestly nothing is fun anymore, especially social situations. I moved across the country after college to get a job and hopefully start fresh. But nothing changed. At this point I am basically certain this medical condition and the depression are here to stay forever. Imagine having a good child hood, got everything we needed, great education growing up, no child trauma at all, get a full ride for the school/degree you have been wanting for years and graduate. Only to realize that nothing you accomplish will make you happy. It hurts more than the headache itself lately. My soul is wounded and I have completely lost hope. I have been on and off meds for a few years and none of them help.And the thing that makes me suicidial is when my friends and family act like I am doing great because I have a fancy job a nice car and my own place. I have told them how I experience the world and some of them just do not believe it and attack my character. I feel like a lost sheep alienated from the world. I am basically jealous of every single person I interact with. Lately I will be walking around near my apartment and I will seriously get jealous of homeless people. All I want is to enjoy this beautiful world and enjoy my accomplishments and the company of loved ones. depression and chronic health problems",Depression +16557,"I really need to vent this, but I also do not want anyone close to me to know this is still a huge struggle. I am 31, I have two amazing kids and as of now they are the only reason I keep dragging myself around this earth anymore. As a kid I had to endure sok much abuse and trauma, that by the age of 12 I had already attempted bleeding myself out in a bathtub. My mom found me and I have been seeing doctors for my mental health ever since. I got diagnosed with BPD, and by the time I was 14 I had tried to hang myself. A friend just happened to be coming over that day to sneak alcohol with me and found me. By 17 I was rediagnosed with split personalities, but not ling after that I was re diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar. Nothing ever really got better outside becoming a mom. I still struggle with wanting to die. I am an adult and the only thing that makes me feel anything at al is mutilating myself. My only family are my kids and their dad, and he has grown more and more concerned with how unstable I have gotten at times. I do not want to ever abandon my little family, but I really just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. My mental health keeps me from having friends. My traumas keep me from sleeping at night. The weight of life has become soo heavy. I try to fill in the void as much as I can with hobbies, but nothing ever truly gives me that spark. I have destroyed my body. I have destroyed my mind. I have destroyed everything in me that could ever see the good in staying here anymore. I feel alone all the time, even when I am with those I love more than anything. What am I suppose to do. How can I ever overcome this longing I have to hold death in my arms and melt away with him. Trying to hang on",Suicidal +16558,"Hello, I am seeking advice for my depression/addiction. Growing up, I was bullied until the end of high school and my strict religious parents created a very stressful and traumatic upbringing at home. I have always had an unshakeable feeling of low self worth and I always feel like nobody likes me. I always have to go above and beyond for people to like me but others seemingly do nothing and have people adore them. In addition, I have an over obsessive addiction to things that stimulate me. It ranges from food, movies/tv, theme parks, etc (no alcohol or drug addictions). Really, just anything that prevents me from sitting with myself and my thoughts. Literally, I cannot do anything without simultaneously eating a snack, or listening to music or a podcast or something to stimulate me and make me feel happy. I am addicted to this self induced false sense of happiness because its the only time I really ever feel happy. Over the years, I have made excuses/goals to help me with my depression and low self-esteem. First, I blamed it on my weight, then my lack of education, then my finances, then being single and alone, etc. Present day, I have my own place, I got fit, completed multiple degrees, have a great paying career, I am in a 6 year committed relationship, and I have even mended my strained relationship with my family. Honestly, I have a great life and I have run out of excuses. HOWEVER, my self worth is as low as ever and I still feel like people do not like me (or think the ones that do, will leave me the second I do something wrong or upset them). I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years and it has helped me to better understand the root of my behaviors but no luck finding a solution. I am continuously told to try positive affirmations but no matter how much I repeat to myself you are smart, you are worthy,etc, or how many lists i write with my positive traits, nothing changes. I am not suicidal or anything like that, and when I reflect, like I stated earlier, I am aware I have a great life but the thought of living the rest of my life and never being truly happy or loving myself is so scary and I do not know what to do.Anyone in a similar situation or have advice? Thank youPS: I have never taken meds. I always avoided medication and thought of it as my last resort but I am starting to consider them. Any advice or personal experience stories about meds would be greatly appreciated Depression, low self esteem, HELP!",Depression +16559,"I have done too much wrong and I am too much of a lazy cunt to fix it. I am failing school, I am drinking everyday and my relationship w my family and friends is on thin fuckin ice. not only that, i ghosted my therapist, not because i do not like him, but because I am too schedule meetings w him. why cannot it just end I am more than ready to go.",Suicidal +16560,"I am likely one of the loneliest people in the world (I have been on this sub before saying this and nothings changed since). Being one of the loneliest people means my life gets extremely boring. A boring life where the only interesting things that happen are bad things means that eventually I have started to think of killing myself. Now I think about it every day, and I have no coping mechanism now so every time that even the most minor of inconveniences happens I just want to die. I think of death so often that I do not even have interest in anything else. Now I just think about if someday I really will be able to end it all. I really do want to a lot of the time. I have tried to do it a few times but I am scared for some reason. Imagine being so much of a loser that you have nothing and nobody to live for yet you are too scared to kill yourself. How is something like that even possible? I do not want to hurt anymore but unless I am lucky enough for something to come and kill me quickly and painlessly I am going to have to live this life whether I like it or not. All I think about every day is suicide",Suicidal +16561,"Nerve damage, lonely & the way I look. I am unhappy and just want to go. Parents leave for vacation tomorrow and my rope should be delivered to my house today",Suicidal +16562,My only friend left me out of no where he told me he was leaving (suicide) and blocked me on everything I made fake numbers to text him more blocking he I cannot call the police one he lives with his parents (were minors) two hes black they will probably shoot him especially in my state the police are very racist I cannot reach him I have his friend talking to him but I do not think that will keep him alive we have both been struggling with suicide for a long time and he was the only reason I am still here I do not have him anymore so I should go but tomorrow I am leaving for Texas for vacation I will leave when I get back I have nothing left to live for if hes gone so Ill finally go through with it so Ill either shoot myself with my dads handgun or Ill take all my pills at once so yeah I am upset goodbye guys I am going to end jt,Suicidal +16563,it is always me asking people questions never the other way. it is always me chasing people and I hate it it is super frustratingIt makes me feel like I am not good enough or likeable it is like I base my self worth on how others reply to me. Many people say I need self improvement but I do not know where to start..I stopped watching porn 2 days ago I do not have any urges and I deleted all social medias. I do not know where to go from hereThere is so much to do so little time. So many careers and choices and so many interestsAnd I live in a small fucking town where only soccer thought is available as a hobby. Fucking nothing else. I have no idea what to talk about with people. Talk about them? Okay but I still run out of things to say. I have no fucking idea what to do,Depression +16564,"I always try to avoid birthday dinner because I cannot handle being in groups but this time my grandma practically begged me. I went today but no one responded to the things I said or someone copied it like it was their idea. It was like I was a ghost. Even when I spoke harder, said someone is name or repeated it they acted like that. do not invite me if you are just going to hurt me. Dinner ghost",Depression +16565,"I have never posted on reddit before, I have never openly talked about suicidal thoughts before but lately it just seems to be too much, it is just getting to me. I feel like I have come so far in the past two years, I have lost a ton of weight, I have held a steady job, I bought a car, but it all just seems so pointless. I wake up every day hoping to die in some sort of accident because then it will not be my fault, none of my family or friends will have to feel like they could have done something.Does anybody else believe they are only alive because of other people? I am just simply going through the motions, living on autopilot until my mom dies so that I can finally end it. I cannot, not yet.",Suicidal +16566,"Does anyone know where i can buy a suicide bag/exit bag. If i diy i would probably mess it up. Its urgent. Preferably cash in hand. Thanks. Please give me answers, do not talk me out of it, i can make my own choices",Suicidal +16567,"I have bpd and psychosis and its way to much. Services have ditched me, i cba with living. I am a far ugly lesbian mess i just want to end it now and bleed out onto the floor. I keep getting flashbacks of the past of my mum threatening to kill me when i was 5 and getting stalked and other shit and all ppl tell me is to not dwell on the past like stfu. I am this close to getting a razor blade and dragging it down my arm until i die",Suicidal +16568,And this sucks I feel so numb I m doing self-pity most of the time I want to feel loveable I want to feel that people can at least like me too I feel like a Gregor Samsa I can understand that book more clear and I do not want this it is painful I just noticed that my depression is coming from feeling unloveable,Depression +16569,Is it a good idea to meditate while doing light therapy also? Has anyone had success with light therapy?,Depression +16570,"When I look at my life, all the things I have done wrong, people I have hurt and let down, it seems logical.When I think about the health issues I have, how different I am from other people, it seems logical.When I realize that no matter what I do, I am unworthy, and will have an unfulfilling life, devoid of love and happiness, it seems logical. I am fundamentally different in many ways, I am a bad person, and the things I want in life are unobtainable, so Suicide is the most logical choice. Why waste space? Why waste anyone elses time? Suicide seems like the most logical option",Depression +16571,"First off I have not been diagnosed with depression or anything of the sort but I have been dealing with symptoms for a while now idk, I do not want to self diagnose. The thing I wanted to know is , can it because memory loss ? Because the last thing I remember is going to sleep on Thursday and now it is suddenly Saturday like I just cannot remember ever experiencing Friday. it is all just a blur or non existent. Also do not know if it is related but I do not drink or take any sort of drugs either ? Memory Loss ?",Depression +16572,Why do I get a panic attack after sh Help,Depression +16573,"Where is the off button. I am just waiting for death and I made up my mind clearly. it is okay to die, but I do not know how to do it. I think having this constant thought for 1 1/2 years should be eligible to be able to die... It has been since march 16 2020 that I have the wish to die every day. There has not been a single day my mind has changed.",Suicidal +16574,"I have quit drugs cold turkey and am sober 6 months, and tbh only thing different to my life is that i am aware of how sad ugly and stupid i am, atleast the last 8 years of my life i was high and did not care but now everything hit me ta once and i do not know if I can carry on living like this, l either od next time i use or just hang myself in some woods i just cannot anymore it is too hard Life is depressing for me",Suicidal +16575,"I cannot keep putting off, I cannot keep putting it off. I need to just hold the gun again my head and do it, and then it will all be over just so so quick and Ill be okay I need to stop procrastinating, grow a pair, and do it",Suicidal +16576,I would do anything for someone to just come shoot me in my head. Ion want to hear you will get better or the typical bs. I just want to fucking die and not be here anymore. Id empty my bank account if someone were willing to kill me. I got no reason to fucking live Every moment I exist I want to die,Depression +16577,"I was first prescribed SSRIs when I was 8 years old. I was poorly adjusted at a charity boarding school in eastern Vermont. I had what could be described as behavioral issues. I was sent to the school by my uncle after my mother and father had been sent to Federal prison following convictions of conspiracy to traffic controlled substances in 1998.I did poorly with my school work despite intense remedial tutoring. I had difficulty socializing with my peers in a respectful and productive manner. I was always in trouble.I was removed from the residential school in December of 2000 and taken off my medication when my behavior became too disruptive and the treatments for these behaviors became ineffective.I was to attend a public school my grandmother's hometown in Southern New Hampshire. I lasted there no more than 2 weeks before I was asked to stop coming while the school district would draft an IEP and send me to a biological education facility.I was sent the following school year to a school for kids a broad range mental health issues.I was there from 2001 to 2006. It was like an alternative school the teachers were specifically trained in crisis response and non-invasive restraints.I was to attend monthly hour-long meetings with a psychotherapist employed by the school. Overtime I learned to regulate my behavior but the mood disorder never went away.I had never gotten passing grades in school and saw no future there so I dropped out at age 16 and got an equivalents diploma. I had no direction as a teenager no goals no guidance. Still mentally ill. Still no solution.When I turned 18 I joined the army I had to do a lot of lying to get in. I should not have passed my eye acuity exam due to having an exotropic strabismus (crooked eyes) I figured out how to cheat the tests. The army specifically does not let you join if you have history of mental illness. I scored well on my ASVAB and chose the MOS 68W Medic.I struggled through basic training, for the same reasons I struggled in school. Despite not having depth perception and double vision after six attempts I qualified as sharpshooter to pass basic. The physical demands also took me longer than most people in my unit. I did complete basic training without remediation.I was then sent Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio Texas for combat medic school.It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I passed all my qualifying tests first time despite seeing so many fail out of the school.I was then sent to my unit.there is a good reason the army does not want mentally ill in their ranks. I had to find out the hard way. I did poorly in my unit for the same reasons I had struggled at everything in my life up to that point. I was chaptered out after 2 years a month in jail and a suicide attempt.Coming out of the military I had never really held a real job in my life. I found that I struggled in a working environment consistently. I could not and still cannot keep a job for more than a year. I become cynical nihilistic and agitated I suppose it is because I lack meaning and purpose. In October of 2014 five strangers broken into my home and nearly beat me to death over a roommates drug debt. I had no dog in that fight. I had nine teeth irreparably knocked out of my skull and my skull fractured in such a way that the bones that hold my teeth in had to be surgically extracted.Having crooked eyes and 9 missing teeth that I can never get back has left me more isolated and more distant from normal happy and healthy than ever before. Shortly after my mother and my brother died by their own hand. I began to believe the very universe in which I inhabit conspired to move matter and energy in such a way as to produce optimal suffering, manifesting hardship with little pause for stability.In the last few years I have taken to extreme isolation only working enough to pay my rent and buy food and buying the time to lie in bed between quitting jobs.I feel as if life has been cruel to me in a statistically unlikely series of events that have never given me time to heal.I feel as if Diogenes, Nietzsche and Schopenhauer were rightI feel as if life as implied by linear extrapolation will simply get worse.I am not sure that given the arbitrary choice I would not ask for another day.I am so tired and it is been too long, and too difficult to justify the pervasive lie of a better tomorrow.a My lifelong experience with mental illness.",Depression +16578,Why is it that every time I sh I get like a panic attack or my arm goes weak and I feel dizzy even if I do not cut that deep Help,Depression +16579,"I want to start this off by saying that I might kill myself or at least I am considering too. I will not kill myself tonight or tomorrow, it is just something that lingers within me.I think about it mostly because I know that I will fail school royally. My teachers do not believe in me, my friends probably do not believe in me either and my mom is lying to herself. I know I am not able to do it because I am genuinely lazy, I promise this is no exaggeration, I really am lazy. I sometimes cannot bring myself to learn even if I wanted toI dread going back to school this summer, I dread living my life even though I have so many things to look forward to in life.Big things like moving out, having a relationship, meeting some internet friends for the first time; but also little things like a third season of my favourite show being announced, video games preordered, going out with friends and everything in between. However, all those things will, in the end, be outweighed by me failing everything.I feel like I reached an end, whether it is the end of my life or something more ""insignificant"" I cannot tell, but it is an end.I do not hate myself that much. I do not think I am depressed either. I am just tired. So, so tired. I am just scared of failing. I am just done with it.I am not prepared for life or any of what is to come. I have considered running away from home but that does not make sense.Nothing makes sense about my situation. I have tried, I swear to God I fucking tried. I would organise my papers and books for school and reflect every evening on what I learned in school but after two weeks or so I would just slowly stop. I tried that method so fucking often but it just does not work.My grades are not bad by any means, they are truly good. So I do not know why I am stressing out like this. This is just me rambling about some shit, none of what I am writing has any form of structure and I am sorry for that.Can anyone please give me advice on how to be a better person? Sorry if what I am saying is not appropriate for this subreddit I just do not know who to talk to. Sorry if my English is bad I am not from an English speaking country. I feel like I am failing.",Suicidal +16580,"I am in my 30s now and it gets me down. Will it ever end? I have been working out 5 hours a week and eating healthy. I have a fit body and an average face and a good job so nice clothes too, yet I only attract people I do not want to sleep with. Noone can help me and I am getting sick of it. I have not had sex yet because all the women I attract are ugly.",Depression +16581,I do not know I just want to feel like how I used to. Happy. Full of hope. Loved to smile and laugh. Why do I wake up feeling like I am the warden to my life prison. How do I feel like I want to be a person? How do you approach someone for help?I want to feel good again. Why I am like this way,Depression +16582,Its like I want to get better but also no. Its like I want help and support but push ppl away and refuse their advice. Its like I need connection but avoid everyone and dread attention. Its like I want to experience happiness but also no because I feel like happiness is an undercover negative emotion. Its like I want to talk but cannot form sentences. Its like I have too much to say for anyone to be willing to listen. Its like I want to be understood but cannot even make sense of what is in my own head. Its like I come off as super independent but I am so afraid of being alone. Its like I want goals but can not think of anything that satisfies me. Its like I do not want to commit suicide but I really cannot bear being alive. Its like I think and act like this year will be the end but also no because I desperately fear failing again. So my life just feels like an endless series of crises. Suffering but do not want help - do not believe in help for me at least,Suicidal +16583,My mother does not care that I am going to be out on the streets and the financial uncertainty of my life after sustaining a TBI. I am worried about my financials or how I am going to make a living. She just thinks my anxiety is such a moodkill. Literally I am so on the edge now it is not even funny. I cannot stand any of my selfish family. My mother is a narcissist. I need to stop talking to her.,Depression +16584,"I used to be very passionate about helping people. I had so much optimism and good will in me, knowing that I am not an expert I still hoped that I could cheer people up. I remeber trying to put words together so they would not sound cheesy but also be understanding. Sometimes you do not know what to say. What could you anwser to a question like ""what is the point of it all if we are going to die anyway?""? At first, you get stunned. But then you say that life has it is good sides and bad times make us appreciate them more amd we should use the one shot we have at life. I remember giving such anwsers almost automatically, without really thinking about it. It seemed obvious, right?&#x200B;Flashback to now, I had a suicide attempt 3 months ago and got stuck in a psych ward for a while. I got out by not speaking about my thoughts, I guess doctors thought that if I do not talk about something, I do not think about it. But to be honest, suicide never left my mind. I think about it every day. I want it. I crave it&#x200B;I got results of my end of high school exams. I did very well, far better than I anticipated. The moment I saw the results I realised I hoped they would be awful. That way I would have an excuse and more bravery to end it all I am not sure why I am writing this here. To be honest, attempts at trying to comfort make me sick. I feel like puking every time I see another ""You matter "". Even those of you with the best intentions will be able to write a comment like ""I know it is hard, it will be better. Blah blah blah"" which will make me roll my eyes. Even if someone means well, how can you not get annoyed hearing the same things over and over?&#x200B;In a week I am going to another psych ward. I have exactly 0 faith in it. I have been going to therapy since I was 4, my number of therapists has entered double digits. Truth be told, therapists do not have any magical recepies for fixing you. You hear from them the exactly same bullshit you would see if you googled ""motivational quotes for depressed people""&#x200B;I guess the only reason why I am writing this is because I cannot really talk about it to my friends. they would mean well and tell me the same things as everyone but I really do not want them to see the type of anger those cheesy lines invoke in me. Tonight I will probably tie and untie nooses out of boredom whishing I had enough courage to try again&#x200B;If for some crazy reason any masochist will decide to comment on that post, I am sorry in advance. I will be very angry and irritated because everything you can say I have heard millions of times. you are better off spending your energy on someone else I used to be a supporter like you guys. it is a lie though",Suicidal +16585,"I do not know what is wrong with me! Anything around me or any situation just make me angry even if it worth that feeling. I just go from 0 to 100 easily and it hurts me I do not want to feel angry and nervous towards anything. Sometimes it worth to be nervous and angry. But, not all the time worth to act like that. I do not know what to do, can you help me? what is wrong with my feelings?",Depression +16586,"I am not being sarcastic. I am just really close to doing it and I will admit it - I do not want to die, but I am willing to kill myself. I do not care if it is corny or cliche, philosophical or simple, I do not care if it is a small thing, advice or explanation why I feel/act this way. Remind me why is life worth living?",Suicidal +16587,I just told her I want to end my life as soon as possible and she laughed. I just want her to love me. My mother does not care,Suicidal +16588,"I have been overthinking about it and i just texted him and it went like thisdo you like me, ik i ask a lot but rn i really do not feel like you have any interest in me. idk I am sorry its probably just my head. but idk, so can you just tell me how you feel his response wasidk its so hoti asked him if he still loved me and he said, idk its so hot. anyway,ill stop overthinking when I am wrong. he does not love me anymore",Depression +16589,"My girlfriend of 2yrs is being idk.. idk anymore, i am going through a rough time with depression and anxiety and I am going to therapy but it is just the way she acts now, it makes it feel like my problems are the problem for our relationship and it does not help that i feel numb sometimes.its scary for me to experience this again, and today she wanted me to break to with her for a stupid reason saying for you to be happier . It made me feel like i am the problemIts like the one time i need you to stay strong you decide to do thid and my mom is in the hospital right and is about to go to surgery tomorrow..so many things are going through my head and i had such a good path againI do not want to restart that difficult process of being healthyi feel abandoned and alonei have no one to talk toI feel cold I feel abandoned",Suicidal +16590,My house is being sold and my partner originally was going to let me stay with her but she has shown so many signs she does not care to help me or want me moving in unless my life is together so now I am going to be homeless in a week. Think the day I am finally forced out I will write a letter apologizing to the few people i care about and leave them my things. I got nothing left to live for. Hell i never really had anything to live. I want to apologize to the kind people here who have left encouraging words. Maybe it kept me going but facing homelessness is too much. Literally everything was already too much. I cannot do this. I have got nothing left. going to do it soon.,Suicidal +16591,What would 1200mg of trazadone do? Trazadone,Suicidal +16592,"The things that used to entertain me or bring me some sort of joy are no longer enjoyable or I only enjoy them for a short time. It really sucks. I am not sure that to do about hy this, does anyone have advice? What can I do if the things I used to find pleasure in no longer bring me joy?",Depression +16593,"God I am so cringe, asocial being I isolate myself, I cannot look people in the eyes I am ashamed and scared of judgements, I do not know who I am anymore I do not know anythingI feel like a robot I do not know why I am breathing, nothing makes me happyI got so many things I should be grateful for yet I am filled with hatred, emptiness and I feel no empathyI cannot talk to people I cannot fake it anymore, I am so broken I do not want to work I do not want to do anythingI just want to disappear, I want to live the rest of my life in blanket and watch netflix and pretend the whole world does not existIm so tired, I do not want to work on myself because there is no point I am ME, I hate myself I do not want to work on the base I have, the way I am built mentally over these yearsIm worthless and a waste, fraud, nothing makes me happy and I got nothing to talk about, I am awkward and a loser I hate myself so much",Depression +16594,"Why. Why is it always me. No matter who I find or who I fall in love with they always end up using me for my body. I am not just a pretty face and a nice body. I thought I found someone I was going to spend a long time with but no. All he wants to see is my body. We had nice times together but all I am to everyone is just beauty on the outside. Everyone fucks me then leaves. I am so tired of feeling used and I am so tired of being lonely I just want someone to be here and love me for me. I am so tired of being love deprived. And on top of that my family shows me no affection what so ever and I do not have friends cus I am easy to hate and I am just so done. Every time I think its going even slightly good, something always happens. I am just done. I am never going to find love am I?",Suicidal +16595,"Stop therapy a couple years ago bc i was dependent on my parents and became afraid of them. My logic was that if i stopped therapy, then they would not have to drive me and i could spend less time with them.I resorted to watching youtubers to help me sort through my mind and I would like to think that I am better. I am not suicidal nor do I want to self harm anymore, but i still feel like shit.So yeah, I would like to think I am better, but not sure if I am. I can technically go do the counseling, to which there are 8 free sessions (in college rn and it covers the 8 sessions). I also can drive and will be dorming, so I will not have to worry about my parents. I am worried about the time cost though, 8 hours is still 8 hours. Also, I am afraid of having to cut counseling short, bc I will prob be too emotionally invested by the end of the 8 sessions without working through my issues. How do you know if you still are struggling?",Depression +16596,"Well...it took me awhile to figure out the details, but my dream has come true at last. I hired a sniper to simply take me out. I do not have the guts to end my own life. No matter how much I think about it, I just cannot bring myself to commit suicide. So...any day now, when I least expect it, death will arrive (hopefully by way of an exploded skull with a high caliber round). Hopefully, he will end my life as I am taking out the trash, so when the garbage men come by, they will see me for what I truly am (worthless trash). Hired a sniper....",Depression +16597,"I wake up every morning wanting to die. Its the first thought I have. Recently, I have been fixated on a gunshot to the temple, but sometimes its a noose, other times I imagine jumping from the thousandth floor of a Trump tower. These thoughts and urges are obsessive, intrusive and uncontrollable. While mornings are the worst, I have to contend with these thoughts throughout the day everyday. I have to actively fight them on a near constant basis. Sometimes physically. I have stopped myself an inch short of plunging a kitchen knife into my abdomen. I have almost thrown myself onto the Trans Canada highway and I came pretty close to jumping off a few bridges. I have attempted suicide several times and have been hospitalized over ten times. I do not think about the future much, but when I do, I catastrophize. I worry about homelessness, car accidents and cancer. Living in survival mode makes it difficult to have dreams or goals. I am living day to day, hour by hour, just trying to hang on. I am grumpy, bitter and short tempered. I can scroll Facebook for hours upon hours because it dulls the pain. I sometimes watch CNN all day to cope because its absolutely mind numbing. I isolate and its hard to leave the house. I barely sleep and have difficulty feeding myself. And this is all when I am not depressed. I am usually depressed about half the year. But my suicidality is not limited to my depressive episodes. Suicide hijacks my brain regardless of mood or emotional state. When I am depressed, thoughts of suicide are a response to deep hopelessness. Suicide seems like the only way to end the endless suffering. When I am not clinically depressed, I am still suicidal. These thoughts and urges are intrusive and impulsive. They both come out of nowhere and replace all shades of negative emotion. Instead of feeling irritated, I become suicidal. Annoyed? Suicide. Disappointed? Death. There is no middle ground. Its all or nothing. Black or white. Live or die. This has been my life for the better part of a decade. there is not much help for people like me. Antidepressants do not work. Nor do most other types of medication. And the hospital makes me feel worse. There is a lack of empirical data to suggest that hospitalization reduces suicide risk and it may actually increase the risk over the long term. Besides, the best advice emergency room doctors can give is to distract myself with activities that I enjoy. The only problem is that I have not enjoyed an activity in years. Or they suggest calling a friend. I ran out of those years ago. The only real treatment for a person like me is dialectical behavioural therapy: an expensive, involved and complex treatment that can take years to complete and master. I have dropped out of three such programs which is another matter altogether. DBT teaches you to manage inevitable suicidal thinking. When you have borderline personality disorder suicidal ideation is just something you may have to learn to live with. It is important to note that not everyone with BPD experiences chronic suicidality. However, 10% of BPD sufferers will die by suicide. Most people who complete DBT will learn to manage these thoughts and eventually get better. I am starting DBT again this week. Things will be different this time. I am ok. Read to the end. I am ok.",Suicidal +16598,"I just needed to vent. I have been relatively fine (by which I mean not actively planning, although have had issues with EDs and SH) since my suicide attempt when I was 16 just over two years ago. I was sorting through all my books to move them to another book case and a little flashcard fell out of one, which turns out to be a suicide note I wrote to my girlfriend (now ex) a couple weeks before I attempted.It completely stopped me in my tracks. After just staring at it, I had to get up and turn off my music. I have just been staring into space for the last 20 minutes.do not get me wrong, this is not triggering me into wanting to commit again, in fact quite the opposite, but I feel emotionally broken. I had already found some other triggering items from the same time period but this was just too muchThe worst thing is that I do not even remember writing it - I had no idea this existed until now. Its short; only a few sentences long as I clearly did not know what to say. It just breaks my heart that I was in that place mentally, and I can genuinely hand-on-heart say that I am glad my attempt did not work. Not because life is easy now, but because the balance has shifted to more good days than bad (through a shit ton of hard work, meds and therapy). And it is worth that fight even despite feeling hopeless at the time. Idek if this belongs here, but I just needed to talk to someone. Sending well wishes to anyone who may be reading this. Just found my suicide note from 2 years ago",Suicidal +16599,"I feel like a termite, a cockroach unworthy of love. People in my life should not befriend or love me. What have i done to deserve it. They should spread that joy to other people. I am a bottom of the food chain cockroach who can just kill themselves so other people can receive my share my love & care. Its being wasted on me anyway I feel like a termite",Depression +16600,"First of all, my English is god-awful so please bear with me here.I am not used to talk about my problems and my problems are probably inconsiderable compared to your problems but here we are........Alright, I am suffering from brain constipation (I named it). Like it suddenly stops functioning and I do not know what triggers it or when does it stop.I cannot form a single sentence without stuttering, I cannot choose the right word, a simple piece of information causes severe malfunction, most obvious things go over my head, I cannot think straight, I cannot process a thought, I cannot even do things I have done easily before. I eventually learned how to live with anxiety and depression but this one really grinds my gears. Simply because it prevents me from doing things that keeps me away from suicide.I do not know if anyone's going to see this but if you know what causes it and/or how can I stop this, please help me. I do not know if it is the right place but I need help.",Depression +16601,"Though a bit of rumination, and a bit of introspection while stopped at a red lamp, I realized that exactly the same amount of good things get numbed out while trying to shrug off bad stuff as bad stuff itself.And there is a tripping point: when your numbness itself grows large enough to become ""bad stuff"", this becomes self fueling - trying to get away from numbness by getting numb enough to make it not count could actually only be achieved by not having a functional brain anymore. Sorry for the pun, but you cannot ""outnumb"" numbness itself... Like it was physical matter: too much of it gets in a too small space, collapsing into a blackhole: and you basically get sucked in there, and then no light comes back out ever. All your desires, dreams, love, ambition - they are held tightly inside the infinite gravity of the blackhole your brain made - to evade the bad stuff. And now you are stuck in permanent Bad-stuff-land...At least for my current situation, this seems to be painfully fitting.Thoughts? Equilibrium of numbness -> blackhole of numbness... Thoughts?",Depression +16602,"I wish I just had the guts to do it. Years of trying to change things does not do anything. I did everything they told me to do. I have tried it all. Meds, getting a new job, leaving a bad relationship, trying to reconnect with family, nothing is the same as it was even last year, two years ago, ten years ago, nothing except how miserable I am. How much I hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, only that is the same. Only that continues to prove to me that I will not ever feel any better. I am trapped in this awful life I never asked for, and nothing but death can get me out of this pain. it is not going to stop. Over and over I come back here",Suicidal +16603,I wish I had the courage to go thru with it :/ tired,Suicidal +16604,"Survived 10 attempts in my 25 years so I suck at this dying thing clearly. Next time planning to slash vertical from wrist up to elbow crookAdvice to help me not survive??? Please I just want to die. Looking for help/advice to effectively commit suicide, details within",Suicidal +16605,okay..so you either burn in hell because you do not seem to follow a certain religion which is probably the right one..or...atheists are right and ur just going to stay in a grave alone forever ..the only other alternative is my life which sucks also ahh ..death,Depression +16606,"My birthday was 2days ago, I had a brunch planned , invited people I thought were my friends.. no one showed up, I was so confused. Had to throw out food , cake and everything. (All year I have showed up for others birthdays, bought gifts for everyone I invited. The next day someone tells me Some random person started a rumour that I was lying it was my birthday. I had to take a picture of my I. D and post on my social media to prove it was actually my day. I cannot believe I did that. I was already in pain health wise and I guess being emotional my health got worse. Went to see my doc, He tells me I had to have surgery right away on my jaw or the pain would get worse. I was already in pain went through with it right away. Paid for it with all my savings. I am an international student from a poor country, i try to reach out to my mom because things are too much.. she gives me a list of her own problems, my abusive dad abusing her. I had to send her money right away & I could not tell her what is going on because how can I add to that . I am not okay . I am in pain and it is too much. I have just been wanting to end it all all day . I do not know hey. I am so angry that I woke up alive today I do not know why I am still here. I am tired God I do not know, Think the planet is better off without me",Suicidal +16607,"i guess ill really kill myself now. if I am able to. I am too much of a coward anyway.my mom was borderline yelling at me because i brought up how i cannot do school and we kind of got into an argument. she also implied her depression and anxiety was worse than mine.i wish my trauma left marks on me. instead it was a natural diasaster, emotional abuse, and online crap. i could have dealt with physical injury better. i could have actually healed. i could have had proof I am struggling. it would not have been downplayed.maybe i can find a way to kill myself at school when it starts soon. maybe i could bring stuff and self harm in the bathroom.i want so many more scars and i want them to stay. ""scars"" from a month ago just look like light scratches even though they were all bleeding. and my mom took my knife so i used something else yesterday and it would not bleed so those marks are already almost gone.ill never get help. everyone thinks they are helping me but my mind is deteriorating even more. my mom does not understand either.",Suicidal +16608,that is it I feel like crap Just blah,Depression +16609,"Like, i feel so exhausted. I am barely able to hold on. I do not even have an energy to seek help (not like I have any kind of help available, but still). I barely can go through one day in my work to another. I want to die so badly, but I am afraid of fucking shit up even more. Idk just needed to vent I feel like I cannot even function anymore",Suicidal +16610,I have been on 300mg (150 2x day) for epilepsy for 12 years but am in a bad depression and Dr said increasing to 400mg might make a difference before trying an SSRI again(they have not been very effective in the past). I know I will not know until I try but has anyone done something similar for depression? What were the results? I do not want to unnecessarily increase. Has an increase on Lamictal (300mg to 400mg in my case) made a difference for anyone? Experience with increases needed please!,Depression +16611,it is been this way for \~2 months. &#x200B;Feeling fatigued. Getting literally nothing done every single day. that is not an exaggeration. Feeling like a flaming pile of trash,Depression +16612,"30m and well last year I could not actually kill myself so I drank as much as possible my liver checked out and I basically killed myself. Well September 7th 2020 I was hospitalized in the ICU for 2 weeks and some how made it out and on top of that my liver has healed (I am the rare group that responds well to liver steroids from what they told me) anyway I left there with a new lease on life and vigor to accomplish goals and passions. It took another 2 months to go up stairs alone or even do much of anything alone and 3 total months and I was done with the Walker then cane. I have been doing amazing until the past 2 weeks and especially this past week and I am feeling more alone than ever, I feel like a horrible father to my daughter because I am randomly down again I still hate my lying ex wife but that is another long ass story, honestly I am back in the spot I was the past 2 years but this time I have already died so it is not that bad the real pain came in recovery, I am still on my prozac and take it as proscribed also have not touches any type of alcohol or drug since September 6th. I guess my question is do others have the same rollercoaster especially when they know 90 percent of their family dislike them and judge them for a mental illness? Small town Indiana. My depression is back with vengeance....",Depression +16613,"I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist after my GP referred me. My problem: the appointment is in 2 Weeks and I am getting worse Day by Day. I do not eat, barely sleep, and do nothing All Day. Every day feels longer than the one before. I was referred in the beginning of july, and have been unable to function since may. Steadily going down Day by Day. How do I cope? I just wish for quiet and peace. I wish I Could just sleep my way through. How do I cope?",Depression +16614,"I am just having a short phase of very good mood ignited with, well, the fact it is weekend and I have time to indulge in my peace and relaxation. I am very agitated and frustrated throughout the week due to some sort of sensory overload.I am at the same time totally afraid how deep I am going to sink in heavy mood once this gets over. I am afraid if it is going to be equally opposite and intense and if yes I could do some mistakes, and I cannot even predict which. Do you have such episodes of going up and down? Mood oscilation - afraid of a too good mood",Depression +16615,"my IQ was tested professionally in middle school, with my quotient being in the rather bright range. This is starting to feel more like a curse than a blessing - I am anxious all the time and i cannot sleep, socializing with people is exhausting because they never have anything interesting to say. All I do is get called weird by everyone I meet for being too quiet. I seriously wish i was average. My IQ is making me miserable",Depression +16616,I really hate the fact I told my friends I liked him because I could not handle the fact that hanging out with him gave me an unhealthy obsession and I slowly tried to destroy our friendship because I could not say no and ask for some alone time now I want to kill myself because he does not like me in the same way tbh I felt kind of used tho because I helped him out a lot and anytime I asked for help he always would do it another day I feel like I should blame him but I never no I never tried to take of myself I just went with what he decided Its my fault I feel this way I knew I should have done something,Suicidal +16617,"i just deleted social media from time to time and i do not want to talk to anybody do not even to my parents. i do not have real friends. my dad frequently picking on me from the begining when is was little. i feel no emotions. I am thinking about suicide, but i fear to do it.(sorry for my bad english, I am from hungary) why am i",Depression +16618,"Long story short, I have depression, and a very low self esteem. Therefore, everyday I think people do not like, but just tolerate me. There are only a few people, I would open up to, my ""closest friends"" are not one of them, because they would probably tell me something like ""it is going to be okay"" or ""it is not that bad"" or just crack a stupid joke. But like I said, there a few, where I think that they would actually listen, because they have done it before. They told me I could talk with them about everything, whenever I want, but I cannot imagine someone caring about me that much, and I do not want to be a burden to them, what can I do? I want to talk about my problems, but not be a burden to anyone",Depression +16619,I am taking in someone who overdosed purposely today. Her home life is not safe so I am bringing her to my home . If you have any advice on taking care of them without overwhelming or frightening them I would appreciate it. Any special comforts or ideas to make them feel comfortable Please delete if inappropriate. Asking for help taking care of someone who attempted but failed,Suicidal +16620,"I hate feeling like a burden. It feels like an actual debilitating pain when I try to reach out to someone I know. When I try to get help from those closest to me, I end up feeling obligated to way underplay the situation, because I ""do not want them to feel like they have to shoulder the burden."" I do this for a reason I will explain later.I hate online mental health initiatives. Whenever depression and suicide is brought up, they always share that same number. That same fucking number. Like they are saying ""yeah, do not talk to me. talk to someone who gets paid to tell you not to off yourself using a generic script.""I cannot even blame them. I tried to help someone who clearly was suicidal before, and I could not. I was too weak. I tried shouldering their burdens until I got crushed. So now I live with the belief that I will do that to anyone I reach out to. And if I cannot shoulder someone else's pain, I do not deserve to have someone else to shoulder mine. I could talk to my parents. And get the same canned response every time. As fundamentalists, they firmly believe that my depression is caused by some sort of sin in my life. Even if they are right, just pointing that out is not helping, it just makes me feel worse. ""You did this to yourself. If you just had more Jesus in your life you would not be in this place."" Gee. Thanks.So, we are back to suicide hotlines. People who are paid to read a script, and tell you exactly what you want to hear. If I were not such a cynical asshole, maybe that would help. If I could suspend my disbelief for one second, maybe it would actually mean something to me. As is, though, I just feel awkward, and I try to end the call as soon as possible. And therapy? I do not have money. And my parents do not believe in that. And because of the kind of person I am I literally cannot reach out for financial assistance. And on and on it goes. Excuses, excuses, excuses. If and when I die an early death, it will be entirely my fault. Because I cannot and will not change who I am. Here we are, then. Reaching out to an online forum. I do not know if I even want help anymore. I do not know what I want. I just want this dull pain in my chest that is been there for years to go away. No one left to talk to.",Suicidal +16621,"Any tips to create some value for the time I am alive? I have accepted that depression is a part of life now. After years of struggling and months of therapy nothing seems to stick. I feel miserable, guilty for eating, guilty for living in a house, guilty for being in someone is life... My therapist is retiring in a month, my parents en friends and family do not know it is this bad again. I feel like I have used up all my 'social credits' in the past. I have a great life on the outside, I am CEO of a awesome company, I have interests. But when I come home I collapse and cannot see any light. I would like to be patient and carry this depression with some dignity. How can I create some value in this life? Any tips? How to live with depression nd dignity?",Depression +16622,I have bipolar 2 disorder and I have never been more depressed. I feel like I do not want to live most of the time. I am not happy with my life at all. I do not have a lot of true friends and the ones I do have are off having lives and I feel stuckand like I am never going to amount to anything just be depressed every day for the rest of my life. I think about suicide however I am afraid to die but sometimes I feel like its the only way to be out of my misery. What do I do? Feeling so low,Suicidal +16623,"I have posted recently a lot about how my life is just bumming me out and its been a constant source of anxiety/depression in my lifeI do not have many friends that I can talk to about this, my job depresses me on a whole other level, and everything just feels so pointlessto me, it feels like nothing is ever going to get better.I want it to, though. I want to feel better and have more energy. And I have seen many of you say your own experiences with therapy have really turned your life around. I want to know what therapy can do for me and how it can make me feel better - can anyone tell me how their experiences have been (without going into detail, of course)?Thanks in advance. Can anyone share their experiences with therapy and how it positively affected their life?",Depression +16624,"Does anyone else have dreams so detailed and vivid, so realistic and intense, that it affects your mood for the entire day after you wake up, as if they were real and genuinely traumatizing? This happens every single night, and can really affect my entire state ofind for the day. Feeling scared, or extremely depressed, or anxious.My shrink has me on a medication that is supposed to help stop the nightmares, but we have not hit the dosage yet where it does any good yet. Dreams are too much.",Depression +16625,"I am in my 20s and have lived on my own for a while. Have struggled with depression for a long time, but a few months ago it seemed like things were starting to get better. That quickly faded as life came crashing down and my own deteriorated mental state saw me go and live with my grandma. Ever since I got here a couple weeks ago I have just continued to fall apart. Isolating myself more than I really should. It gets hard because the longer I go without talking the more anxious I get because I have not spoken. That leads to be withdrawing further because I am so ashamed of not talking to family that I cannot talk to them. I have expressed my depression a lot before but their whole mentality is essentially walk it off. I just got a new job which has been a big step for me but when I get home from a long days of work occasionally Ill talk to someone and they will be like you would have seen this happen if you were not hiding in your room all day in which Id respond no I was at work. So it does not matter whether or not I am in my room all day because they are too dumb to tell the difference. Aside from all this, motivation is in the drain. Small tasks I put off for days. Then family asks me to do tasks they are too lazy to do (like cooking food for others in which I am not allowed to partake) and then when I am dragging my feet its always some form of criticism. Mental health is a hoax according to these people and I have tried so hard to escape my family because of how insensitive they all are to any form of struggle (even though they have all had tough lives they just like to pretend nothing bad has ever happened) and being around my family each day continues to drive me crazy. According to them I am a failure and I am lazy. Nevermind how hard I have worked over the last several years of life since I was told to fuck off by my dad the day after my 18th birthday. Never shall I ever experience peace Isolation and the struggle to do simple tasks",Depression +16626,i have not showered in almost a week. i also have not been taking care of my skin. everyone else around me is doing well it seems and i feel like a failure. i feel alone.,Depression +16627,I just need to know it is not just me right now Can anyone anyone talk to me?,Suicidal +16628,"My girlfriend of nearly 4 years suffers from depression. She was diagnosed back in her late teens, and used to take medication for it. we have both had our ups and downs through the relationship with this issue, but we always work through it. Every once in awhile she will have a manic breakdown, and say things like everyone would be better off if I did not exist or I make everyone is lives miserable. Obviously these claims are not true, and I tell her that. But lately she seems to be doing it more and more. She says she would never hurt herself, but I just think she realizes what emotional damage this does to me. She sees a therapist once a month, and she refuses to take her depression medication. In fact, she has not taken it for the past 6 or 7 years. She used to be a daily weed smoker, but quit cold turkey a year ago.Does anyone have any advice on how I can help her? Or any advice I could give her? Girlfriend says everyone would be better off without her",Depression +16629,"Feeling overly depressed because I do not feel as successful as my friends. My bsf is about to graduate PA school and once said to me, if a job does not offer me more than $80k, I am not taking it. As a future educator in the US, all I could do was sit there in silence. I obviously am aware that both of our jobs are very different and essential in their own ways, but it just really rubbed me the wrong way. I have another friend who is very very proud of her accomplishments and is flashy about her income and the things she can afford. I am proud of my friends, but when it comes to being an a**hole about your careers and what you are bringing in, I cannot help but feel like sh*t. I can tell myself that I am going to shape the lives of the future, but that still does not seem good enough. If it does not show on my paycheck, then other people do not view you as successful. I am just really sad about it and never want to be around anyone because that is one of the main topics of discussion. Depressed over not feeling successful",Depression +16630,"I am tired.Tired of speaking but never being heardTired of lack of adventure in a dayTired of desires constantly deferredTired of feeling trapped,No one should feel this wayTired of bowing in service of anotherTired of service only going one wayTired of those who want to smotherTired of being pushed around,I just want to get far awayFor now I must trudge looking for a rayA bit of hope that I could revealFor now I will continue to surveyIts all starting to feel quite surreal Lately I have been putting my feelings into written form. I am not any good but it does make me feel calmer. I work 12 hours a day and come home to take of my invalid grandfather and this is about that",Depression +16631,I have lived a life to which I cannot assign an adjective. So yeah.... no longer. that is it. I have lost the will to type too but wth.... here goes nothing. Today is the day I guess.......,Suicidal +16632,"I was having a talk with my psychologist, She wanted to follow up on how my new mends were effecting me. (The med changes ago) I was feeling great but i was running off of 3-4hrs of sleep everyday, and it made my ADHD worse, Causing more hyperactivity. ANYWAY. She said that she feel sometimes people minds just ""break"" They experience, or reach a certain point and just break. When i first heard this, i was not sure how this could be true. More now than ever i find this to be true..atleast for me. I am broken and At the end. I do not want to hear ""ur 18, your life just started"" bs. Heard it before. I am also 18 been kicked out by both parents and am now doing van life. I do not hate vanlife but its all i really got right now. I am at my end. I am so tired man. My mother treats me like a ""Problem child"" who does whatever the f*ck i want and my father is an abusive narcissist. I am embarrassed by how sad and hurt i am from the things i have experienced in my life. Its shattered me. I feel as if many people and life in general has chewed me up and spat me out like i was nothing. I am sorry. It all just hurts so much and i think about ending it everyday. Sometimes people just ""break"" I am sick.",Depression +16633,"I do not know what to do anymore, my mind is shattered, I feel l'm on the verge of a psychotic breakdown or smth. Yesterday I started cutting again, this time I started with my wrist. I do not want to be here anymore, I want to turn the thoughts of and never have to deal with them again. This does not even feel real, I am so confused, I need help but it does not seem like that is going to come. I feel like I have no control at all. I feel like I am slowly walking towards a cliff",Suicidal +16634,"I have been seeing multiple therapists and a psychiatrist and most of the stuff just does not work at all, I have increased my medication dose too and i still feel just as bad as before if not even worse at times. Should i keep trying or is it just a waste of time and money? I do not think it is working and maybe nothing can help me",Depression +16635,"I recently noticed that I cannot feel a thing. I recently bought a computer that I wanted and did not feel a single bit of joy, my uncle just died and I did not even feel anything. my grandma had depression and did not feel a thing. I am about to go to school and do not feel a thing about it, neither during school I feel anything. My family is passing through a tough time and I do not really care about it, worst of all, I do not feel anything. I have had many moments in the past where I think I should have felt something, but I did not feel anything.I can make myself feel emotions, sadness, happines, anger. The only thing I feel naturaly is nervousness.I am kind of worried about my behavior. is this because of depression? Can you feel?.",Depression +16636,If you can sleep like all day and are still tired is this a possible depression symptom and can anyone explain why this is? And why does not rest help the mind feel happier? This is so odd to me Sleeping question,Depression +16637,"I am at the lowest point in my life. I have always had women and good friends and a great family. I feel like I am at the end. I have tried to kill myself a couple times when I was in high school, but now its just a different feeling. I am just ok with not being here. I feel so fucking alone. I am so just so so desperately sad. 29/m",Depression +16638,"I have been feeling the void feeding on the brighter parts of the self for the last 5 years. I have been secretly setting up dates to end this date with eternity but I keep procrastinating on it everytime the family witnesses a setback. I have zero energy to persevere. it is not like I love my family either, it is primarily Stockholm syndrome. it feels worst because before the abyss stared into me I was gifted in academic prowess, confidence, humour etc. I was a needle walk away from the self titled ubermensch. Mentally I have been imprisoned in a cycle of self sabotage. I feel like ending instead of being trapped in a bubble slowly incinerating my skin with every waking hour. I sketch pictures of stress, picturesque",Depression +16639,Or at least slightly less painful How to die painlessly and quickly?,Suicidal +16640,I am 17 m and live in australia. I live with my parents and go to school and stuff. I see a therapist over zoom every 2 weeks and she has helped me alot and I am thankful for her. She beleives i have anxiety and depression and i beleive so too. My dad just tells me i experience low moods so now i take 4 pills a day to make me happier and they really do not do anything. I want to be diagnosed with whatever is wrong with me so i can get proper medication to help me and to properly know what is wrong with me. I have self harmed a couple times now. I held up a lighter to my arm and burnt it. Luckily i have yet to leave a noticable mark. Only two people know about this. My best friend and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is very much worse than me with mental trauma and depression and i cannot talk about much with them out of fear of them self harming or having a panic attack. And my friend we kind of just joke about it sorta which I am fine with. No one knows how bad it really is. I regularly have suicidal thoughts atleast once a day. I hate how i look i look in the mirror and just hate it. I hate how skinny i am i hate it so much. I used to get teased for how hairy my legs were so now i never wear shorts. I am so insecure about my entire body and eveb though i hate being tgskinny and bony i still do not eat. I barely eat anything all day usually ill just eat one meal which is dinner and that is it if anytging. My sleep schedual is all fucked up aswell and its currently 5:11 as I am writing this. I feel vad for everyone who has to deal with my shit. I am so anxious about letting people down yet i have no energy to do anything. I hate it so much. This has just been a kimd of rant i guess to just get some stuff out. If you have read this far i appreciate you and i hope you are doing good <3 I just want to be diagnosed properly TW: Self harm,Depression +16641,"I fell so shitty and awful. I had a suicide attempt less than a year ago but it was not that serious, i was not close to dying really, and its made to go crazy. I feel like i have not suffered enough like other people have. I just want to show someone that I am not a coward and that i can do it but I am still to scared. The only thing stopping me is fear. :(",Suicidal +16642,"Girlfriend broke up with me. Made a stupid mistake and lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Life without her is just....empty. I am just existing. Everything's pointless. Friends and family have poured support but I only want her. I know I am being selfish and cruel to those who care for me (and even she still cares for me, just does not trust me) but life genuinely seems meaningless. I am empty and heartbroken. Driving myself mad with guilt and missing her and the new life I am forced to be in. Its not the change I wanted. And I desperately just want to go. there is no point to me. No point to my existence. I am just another speck on an overcrowded planet. what is the point.I do not want to be here anymore. I do not see the point anymore.",Suicidal +16643,Hey everyone this is my second Post.I am a 20 year old male. My ex girlfriend who i loved very much and would have spent all my life with her. Left me 3 months ago. And moved on just one month after our 7 month relationship. I tried replacing her with other women but i just cannot. I tried new hobbies new anything. I have 0 friends and this is not a topic i can Talk to anybody with really. The pain kills me that she is happy with someone else. I always wish i could turn back time and maybe make her stay. I feel like There is no way out. The pain kills me almost everyday. What worsens it is that we live in the same village. My very first girlfriend cheated on my too. So my trust issues are through the roof with anyone. I am miserable. I have not talked or texted her ever since the breakup. I just wish the pain would be gone and i could move on. it is not that i could not have anyone else. I consider myself pretty good with women. But i just cannot seem to let go. have not talked to her ever since the breakup. I am dying inside. And i think I am going crazy.Peace and Love I feel like There is no way escaping the pain,Depression +16644,"I do not want to be alive anymore. I do not know if I have the guts, but I am certainly considering it. The irony is I am reaching out to therapists and they are all saying they are not accepting new patients or not getting back to me at all. My best friend is no longer speaking to me and I think my family is really dysfunctional. I do not have any good friends to lean on right now. My life has become like Groundhog Day and I do not want to do it anymore. I do not think I can do it anymore",Suicidal +16645,"I know we talked about it before. But what if when I need you every time but you are too lazy to dealing with my problems then its pointless. Because you do not understand what I feel and you are just pity me like I am a homeless dog. When you want to give it the pity, you give it. When you are lazy, you ghost. Its not called helping. Its called giving alms and this thing is up to your emotions. Its like I begging your alms, and I even have to considering your mood. I do not need your pathetically fake sympathies. -DO NOT EVER EXPECT TO ANYONE SAVING YOU. Do not expect anyone to saving you",Depression +16646,"So title explains most of my problem. I feel like I could sleep less. But right now sleeping is a coping mechanism, if I take that away I am scared about what would happen I sleep up to 14 hours a day",Depression +16647,"I cannot lose weight. I am eating under 800 calories a day, low carb diet (Keto). I lost 15 pounds at first but I have not lost anything for 5 days. Is it over? It was going so well. Why does life have to ruin everything that is good.My self-esteem is terrible. I hate the way I look. I am so self-conscious that I do not even want to have sex with my boyfriend. Its ruining things for me and I do not know what to do. cannot lose weight",Depression +16648,"I hear a lot of rappers talk about depression and voices and that is the thing I am dealing with and I was wondering is it a common thing among people? in terms of voices and emotions or feelingsJust curious is it common for people ?. (Thank you)!! Rappers, Voices, and feelings.",Depression +16649,Who would really miss me if I commited suicide tomorow would people care more about me when I am death or would that all be faked? I sometimes wonder,Suicidal +16650,Today I showered for the first time in almost a week and am going to leave the house to get my depression beard shaved off and run some errands. Still feel shitty and hurt but making strides towards being ok. After being at the lowest I have ever been and having a month plus long anxiety attack,Depression +16651,"legit question, how do i stop caring about shit that does not have to do with me? how to stop caring?",Depression +16652,Stop just fucking stop brain It hurts so bad,Suicidal +16653,I was put on lexapro for depression a little over a week ago. I have been experiencing this weird thing where I am not hungry per se -- I feel full enough and do not particularly want more food -- but my body has that low-energy shaky feeling like when it needs calories? Has anyone else experienced this? hunger as lexapro side effect?,Depression +16654,"I did not want to hurt you ever, so I am glad you hurt and left me first.Celebrate the pain, turn it into champagne.Id say I hope you choke on it but, I do not really mean that. I want to hate you so badly, maybe enough time will give me that. Or maybe you will just be forgotten, that would be even better. I am so glad you are celebrating what you did to me.",Suicidal +16655,"I moving in with my best friend and my partner who I love. But we all have a lot of issues (nothing abusive or unhealthy to each other) and one of my roommates especially has a lot of trauma centered around moving and its going to be rough for them and my other one tends to internalize anything wrong or stressful about the move onto themself as their fault because they feel like they pushed it the most. In the end this is actually the best decision for us, and we just need to weather the storm. Any advice on how to support them the best? I myself have pretty serious issues with depression, and anxiety stemming from BPD and ADHD. I am keeping myself under control and just sort of pushing through it without letting it outwardly show as best I can tbh because I feel like one of us needs to be able to support the others. So any advice to help keep myself afloat is appreciated as well. How to support my depressed roommates while also being depressed?",Depression +16656,"Feeling of emptiness, everything getting worse as I cannot keep up with anything or anyone, all my feelings are drained and my energy with it, cannot feel anything anymore, ig I cannot open up anymore just do not have anything to talk or tell, only empty feeling I get whenever I try to....things are getting worse and it does not look good for me..but eh I will not be here to deal with them by the end of the year. Emptiness",Suicidal +16657,"How ironic it is that the only thing I ever did right was winning the sperm race and now, 22 years later, I am here, surviving through every single day doing the same shit over and over and wishing I lost the race. I would give anything to see what the other fellas would have been like if they would win instead lol. It sucks knowing you were the fastest sperm just to regret it few years later.",Depression +16658,"I have made a video. It is the last one on my phone. I do not know what I am going to do. I keep picking up knives and putting them down. It just hurts too much. I do not have any kind of medicine here I can take too much of and I am afraid of hanging myself. I just need to die but I do not know how. I have two daughters (not home at the moment I would never let them see me Like this) I want everyone to know I tried really hard. I cleaned up my life and I did all the things that were supposed to make us all happy for years but I cannot forget my past, I was assaulted at 13 and it hurts to watch these guys live their lives happy while I feel disgustingand I cannot go on. I was called fat, a waste of life and a junkie by the people who were supposed to love me most. I feel stuck in this thick mud and I cannot breathe. It hurts so bad and I am too old to still be hurting from these past traumas. I just want this here so it can maybe be located one day, the decision is not easy, I do not know if I can do it or my kids will be home soon I will not have them find me so maybe a hotel tomorrow night, but I cannot go on. I will not put my name I do not want to be stopped. But when they go through my phone they will see this. Please nobody be like me, get help, I did not and its just too late for me. I love you my daughters, I love you so much and everyday I held on was for you. Note to them.",Suicidal +16659,I want to donate everything. I sure as hell was not making good use of any of it. I want the rest of it cremated.there is only a short window where the organs are viable for donation after death- but its probably in bad taste to walk into an ER and shoot myself any suggestions? What is the best way if I want my organs donated?,Suicidal +16660,I posted this on multiple threads. I hope it can help someone.Hi!I just wanted to share a book that really helped me on my journey with depression and anxiety. I think it is a must read. I even recommended it to my therapist and she went out and bought it. it is called the mood cure by Julia Ross. It explains the physical aspects of depression and anxiety in your body. It shows you natural supplements you can take if you do not want to go down the medication route. It even has a quiz to determine what type of depression you have. Hope this helps! A book that changed my life and taught me about depression and anxiety [Tip],Depression +16661,"So first, i have to give some info about me. I am 19 yrs, weed addict since I am 14 and tried almost any drug, got hooked to opioids for 3 years now and since march I am in methadone treatment so i could graduate at school (which worked perfectly, i gratuated last week). i also have a psychotherapist and here comes the problem. there were some bad things happening when i was pretty young, one thing was troughout my whole kindergarten and elementary time, the other 2 things happend when i was 12. it really fucked my brain back then and i think it was also a reason why i started taking drugs.it got a little better in the years but since I am 17 i have no motivation for nothing, regret everything i did, my self-confidence does not really exist, I am fucking scared of the future and always feel like my chest is out of stone which makes me feel like my emotions are not really there, nothing makes me happy. i always tell it to my psychotherapist but the therapy does not help at all. i got worse and worse and since a few months i cry in my sleep like every 4-6 days, everytime the dream i fucked everything up and my life has no worth or meaning and then i wake up with my face and bed full of tears. also my body feels a little bit numb. i just feel like i cannot have especially positive emotions. everytime when i tell it to my therapist she tells me that i do not have anything and its just the stressed months I have been trough, with methadone treatment and everything. but it makes me feel so fucked up, because i feel like I am crying over nothing and other people are way more fucked up in the brain, so that i do not have the right to say that i feel bad.i thought maybe i have a little depression, but self diagnosis never helped anyone and I am not a expert, so i can only believe her.also i do not want to play down depression, because people can really suffer extremly bad from depression, and it feels like if i would say i have some kind of disease, it would be disrespectful to the people who really suffer from mental illness.i really do not know how this will develope, I am just so scared it gets worse and i just cry about nothing, because yeah my therapist says I am only a little bit stressed, not ill. its just that its such a long time now and i want to get better. so here is a short explanation if you did not understood what i meant: my therapist says that I am healthy and have no mental disorder, and yeah because of that my symptoms i described are not treated and it just gets worse and i feel like I am a hopeless case, because I am just like a weak person who crys because of so small things, others would laugh about it. i really hope i could point out what i wanted to say, I am not a native speaker so just ask if you do not understand something or what my problem is. its just that i cannot really describe it how i feel.stay safe and if you read till here this really means much to me. I do not know what is wrong with me",Depression +16662,"I just know for a fact that my life is going to turn to shit, people always say suicide eliminates the possible of it getting better but what if it never does? A lot of the time it truly never gets better for people so why should I waste my life living a life I do not want to live when I can just die? what is point anyway? Were all dying one day anyway, But I just choose to end mine sooner. Also life is not promised either. We literally live to die so what is the point anyway? I know when I get older Ill be a bitter ass woman with no life goals, or dreams, or anything accomplished, no husbands or kids, working a shitty ass 9-5 barely making ends meet wanting to die even more so I want to save myself from living that shitty lifestyle. I already know what Ill turn out to be knowing myself too well. I feel like Illl never get better so really what is the point? I already know that my life will not be anything in the future so I feel like it will be better to end it before it gets worse.",Suicidal +16663,"why do not people talk about the part of depression when you just do not want anything anymore?everybody talks about when it hurts like hell, when you cut and when you breakdown. but nobody wants to talk about when you lay down in your room with a hole inside you that you do not know how to fill. and you do not even want to do the things that you usually like. so you just spend your day kind of waiting for it to end. and its horrible because you feel empty and guilty at the same time. can you relate? unspoken depression",Suicidal +16664,"Hi all. My ex of almost 4 years told me that, before I called things off, she attempted to end it. But she did not tell me this while we were together. I just found out a few days ago when we chatted for the first time in months. I do not know how to feel. Ex was suicidal when we were together",Suicidal +16665,"Introvert is just a phase. At least that is what I think. Since childhood I am a person who hate going parties, family or occasional does not matter. did not have a big friend circle. But whoever was there was enough for me. Until I fall in love with someone. And got my heart crush in 2 months. Well I survived it somehow but ultimately got alone. Everyone I tried to talk just ghosted me out. Well this was mine life lesson. So what are you all thinking, this guy just gave up. No way. I have a blessing. I have congenial disease. one of my leg is underdeveloped. So I cannot walk, atleast that is what my parents thought. Well today my age is 23. I have survived through 3 [Ilizarov surgeries]( to that i lost my hair , basically it get weaken. Completed my college and recently got a permanent job. I can walk without any support. Without anyone's help.I am a hyperhidrosis patient also. Even in ac my underarm got all sweaty. Because of it I am super conscious towards my dress. And even worse in past week i got to realise my scalp and forehead is sweating alot for no reason. Today is my cousin's marriage reception. I dressed up pretty decent. Party was held in all ac room. Then again it begin all over again. My head was like a rainfall. I kept 3 to 4 hanky with me. It all got wet. I struggled and struggled until one guy told me to wipe sweat from my moon.Ohh man it was like ok I am done with this shit. I got out and came back home. I was furious at first but then it broke my confidence whatever there is left.Now I am at the roof top crying alone and laughing at myself how weak I have become. I am a coward, am I?Fuck I hate this feeling. An embarassing story crying alone at night",Depression +16666,"I feel like an ""other"". like I am masquerading as a human. I feel like I cannot really open up to my friends or my girlfriend. I love them all dearly but I feel like they would not understand. I am also unsure of my relationship with my girlfriend. she does not really like opening up and I do not what to do or say to try and help also I feel like nothing matters given the state of everything. I think I would be better off dead so then I would not have to deal with anything I feel completely empty inside",Depression +16667,"I am 18, have a loving family, passed my first year in college, have a great best friend, have a roof over my head.Yet I cannot get out of bed and would be fine if I just died right here and now.I do not know, mostly just typing this out to see if it makes me feel any better. Hope you guys are ok. The worst feeling is not knowing exactly why you are depressed.",Depression +16668,"I have made a video. It is the last one on my phone. I do not know what I am going to do. I keep picking up knives and putting them down. It just hurts too much. I do not have any kind of medicine here I can take too much of and I am afraid of hanging myself. I just need to die but I do not know how. I have two daughters (not home at the moment I would never let them see meLike this) I want everyone to know I tried really hard. I cleaned up my life and I did all the things that were supposed to make us all happy for years but I cannot forget my past, I was assaulted at 13 and it hurts to watch these guys live their lives happy while I feel disgustingand I cannot go on. I was called fat, a waste of life and a junkie by the people who were supposed to love me most. I feel stuck in this thick mud and I cannot breathe. It hurts so bad and I am too old to still be hurting from these past traumas. I just want this here so it can maybe be located one day, the decision is not easy, I do not know if I can do it or my kids will be home soon I will not have them find me so maybe a hotel tomorrow night, but I cannot go on. I will not put my name I do not want to be stopped. But when they go through my phone they will see this. Please nobody be like me, get help, I did not and its just too late for me. I love you my daughters, I love you so much and everyday I held on was for you. Note to them.",Suicidal +16669,"People keep saying if you want to be happy, you can be happy! Well, I want to be happy, but what should I do first? Because doing anything, going anywhere only feels it adds more weight on the sadness and depression. I feel safest to hide in my bed. I just slept 20 hours today and still feel tired",Depression +16670,"Feeling so alone. Have only one friend, best friend of 17 years, who I have managed to get in a huge fight with, and we fell out. My relationship with my boyfriend feels lonelier than actually being alone. I feel like I want to drive off a cliff. How do you not feel depressed when your whole world seems to be going to shit. All my close relationships are falling apart",Depression +16671,I have very bad health anxiety I think I have pads disease. I literally cannot find a pulse in my feet and I have loss of hair underneath my knee on both legs. Those are signs of pad I really do not want my feet amputated and if they say I have to I am not I rather just die. Nobody will want me if I am amputated. I just want to die,Suicidal +16672,"I am a 20 year old female and have recently been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety (?) but for context, i have not had the best encounters with people in the past because of my awkwardness, my rbf, or bluntness. obv none of this is intentional but sometimes people just really do not like me and alot of ppl from my middle school thought i was a loser/awkward for no reason even when i encountered a few of them in late high school. a lot of ppl on xc team also made fun of me and thought i was awkward and even my closest friends told me i used to be a 7/8 out of 10 on the awkwardness scale. i know they do not mean harm but it just hurts so much when people tell me they think I am a robot or stiff or awkward and it further discourages me and puts me into a bad mood. i do not like the way i am and it seems like other people do not either I have messed up so many times its like clockwork and i am addicted to the pain. i want to self sabotage and hurt myself but i have no idea why. i know no one here is supposed to be a therapist but i wanted to hear from other people if they had similar experiences like i do and maybe provide some insight. Thanks!! Why Do I Want People to Hate Me",Depression +16673,"I have long since stopped planning my end, but I still long for it every single day. I go through a thousand ways it could happen on a daily basis, a car could swerve onto the sidewalk, perhaps I will be the next victim of a mass shooting and the one I want the most? that is in my head every single time I lay my head down? Please God.. Please do not let me wake up tomorrow... Just let me pass in my sleep so I do not have to open my eyes to a world of shit again...I want to be better.. I want to *do* better, but it seems fucking impossible. I am 22 years old almost 23 and I have been suffering since *13!* it is been almost 10 fucking years since I last felt some semblance of happiness and I am just supposed to get up, go to work, do my fucking chores and go to sleep to repeat it all again the next day??? I cannot change where I live, I cannot afford that, I cannot change who I am around still cannot afford that lol I cannot get therapy because it is expensive, cannot get medication because I need to see a doctor to be prescribed it. The things that are fucking up my own life... Even if I *could* change them would I be any happier?? I would still be living on this planet... In this fucked up country... Seeing the fucked up shit that people do to each other on a daily basis, worrying about laws being put into place that affect my health and wellbeing.. No matter what I fucking do my life is always going to suck because I was cursed with empathy and I feel the pain of generations in my heart. Why do I bother trying to make *my* life better when it will not fix the world and I definitely cannot fix the world by myself so.. Why bother trying anymore? I just exist now and I do not even want to fucking do that lmao I do not want to die necessarily but.. I do not want to be alive.it is funny that like.. I can get paralyzed by the fear of death one minute and the next it is all I wish for. I wish my brain would make up its mind on why I want to cry.. I am so tired... I just want the endless rest.. I woke up again this morning..",Suicidal +16674,"I finally did it. I made myself a drink, a drink with bleach and alcohol. I know that rubbing alcohol and that in beer are different but i hope that their mix is as deadly(and that i did not messed up the proportions). I only hope that it will work and that i will die(even in pain) before my family return. So goodbye. aight guys I finally did it",Suicidal +16675,"They think they can ""snoop"" at me without me noticing. I notice it and they are wrong for thinking I do not notice it and for thinking negatively of me. I take my time speaking because I want to be vulnerable with my problems to them hoping they would understand, instead they misinterpret it with me being dumb. When I first started opening up, my father called me ""crazy"". Now, they think I am ""dumb"". Both are demeaning things to call someone, especially to their own child. it is a shame our parents do not have knowledge about mental health. My parents think I am unaware",Suicidal +16676,"I was born to be called idiot, imbecile, pathetic, and so on while ripping my hair out and cracking my head on the porcelain toilet or kicking me on the floor. I married (and divorced) an alcoholic, 1-2 fifths a day kind of guy. My kids are all grown and all three have shunned me. My friends have kept everything on the light and airy; cannot talk about anything deep. Guess I do not really have friends. My therapist buoys me up but hes not my friend. cannot just call him and shoot the shit. The next time I will talk to a human will be next week at an appointment. I fucking hurt. I am going to die soon. I am not worth anything to anyone. I am told I matter but do I? I am lonely and no one will miss me. I must die. Soon.",Suicidal +16677,"literally so annoyed at my actions and the stupid shit that i do that just bites me in the ass later. I am so tired of living at this point, nothing is happening in my favor. sorry if that sounds whiny or immature I am just so defeated right now. i hate myself lmao",Depression +16678,"After reading the title, you must have assumed me to be a teenager struggling with school, but I am a 26 year old adult who has not held a job for more than a month till date. My engineering degree has been a waste of my family's funds, and my mental health, peace and stability are non-existent.Even if I do manage to get a job, I will be trying to move out so that I can ultimately hang myself in peace. What is the point of studying to get a job when I am ultimately going to kill myself.",Suicidal +16679,"i have flashbacks to middle and high school where i did not know i was cringe and embarrassed myself in front of others. I have realized this basically stopped talking to people to avoid embarrassment. i know it is not healthy but for me it is hard to talk to people. lately my loneliness has been weighing down on me. i keep having negative thoughts about myself. i feel like i cannot do anything right. i feel like I am just wasting time with no aim. i know i need to go out and meet people, but my flashbacks give me so much anxiety around other people and i hate being the center of attention because i feel like I am walking on eggshells trying not to make a scene or embarrass myself. but my loneliness is eating away at me. i feel like a piece of shit who cannot do anything right. sometimes i just feel like i want to disappear. i see myself (my mannerisms, appearance, interests, etc.) as cringeworthy and avoid all unnecessary social interactions, but it makes me very lonely.",Depression +16680,I have a family member in the mental health field. I have been suicidal all this week. They are not taking me to the hospital. They have a friend that could give me a job. I just quite a job I love and want to die. There is no help. There is no time for healing. There is no getting better. I have just gotten worse and worse over the years. Ill stop one day. There is no help and the world does not stop,Depression +16681,"I have fought, i fought alone since i was 12 stepped on ever step of the way, but i went on iam almost 30 now and iam tired , i fought ever inch of the way through med school and work . No more I fought the good battle and I fought it better than most. I love you vanessa goodbye goodbye",Suicidal +16682,"I cannot stand it anymore. My family will hate me if they find out that I am trans. I just want to be a boy, but my mom will fucking kill me. I just want to chest bind god fucking damn it. I want to fucking die",Suicidal +16683,"I believe I have a condition called interstitial cystitis (painful bladder syndrome) endometriosis, and on top of that rupturing/hemorrhagic cysts I cannot have sex anymore, and I have quit both my jobs due to the spasms of my bladder when I walk. I have been to doctors and I know it will be possibly years until I get a diagnosis, and half the time they assume I have an STI or have been sexually abused. I cannot have sex with my boyfriend, and even the thought of seeing him makes me tense into painful spasms, I am not sure why. This is not a battle I want to fight. My best friend had epilepsy and I did not bother to understand how painful it was for her, this is my punishment. I have learned the lessons I needed to in life, this is not something I should have to endure and I should get a say. I want to do a road trip by myself and see all the places I have enjoyed growing up, then end things on a good note. I keep planning my suicide",Suicidal +16684,"My marriage means everything to me, but my wife has asked to separate because she no longer feels attracted to me romantically or sexually. I have lived for the past 1.5 years knowing that saying this to me was on the tip of her tongue, and in the past 3 months it finally came out. So I feel like I have had an anvil over my head for a long time and that there is nothing I can do to change that feeling.Wife wants a separation for 2.5 more months (already been away for 1.5 months) and says there is a chance things will revive, but there is a chance they will not. No indication one way or the other, just that we will revisit once this separation period is done.I am resolved to end things if she decides to leave me, but what can I do in the meantime. Living on the edge like this is pure agony, and every day I feel closer to some final decision. I do not want to reach out to her about it because I do not want it to influence her process. Should I at least hang on to see how things go? How do you deal with being unable to function on a daily basis if you have nothing positive to look forward to? Wife likely to leave me, advice?",Suicidal +16685,"My life just sucks, nothing good ever happens. I just try to make it through the day somehow while being tired and sad. Then at night I cannot fall asleep and the circle restarts.I have poor health for years now and i just cannot get better. No Doctor i go to is able or willing to help. No girlfriend, of course virgin, basically just one friend.26 and had to move back home.No good relationship with my familyNo job.Everything i liked to do i cannot anymore. Just existing is not enough. Idk I am just so sad. I hope my health gets better somehow. Yeah but i doubt that will happen.Writing here and maybe even get an uplifting answer helps actually a lot idk. Living sucks",Suicidal +16686,"(TLDR: Just some self-loathing, deep seated depressive issues of disappointment and suicidal wishes, moving right along, blablabla, nevermind eh?)I am a loser. Tbh, I do not think I can achieve anything. In the face of this world, I see people so much better than me, so much smarter and more dedicated and more put together, and more successful...they can achieve anything. Then I see people that are poorer than me, less fortunate than me, have suffered more than me, look more disheveled and more less educated, but then I see they too are successful...they can achieve anything.I cannot achieve anything...I am stuck in a dull, sinking, horrible prison of failure and hopelessness, lost, alone, and above all, far from any sort of success. I look at myself, and I am disappointed. More disappointed than anyone on this planet...I put on my self-loathing gloves, and I start to punch myself repeatedly with it...again.""YOU are your problem. They are so right. it is pointless, POINTLESS to try and help **you**.""""You will never amount to anything, because no one cares. No one cares about helping **you**. What makes **you** so special? Nothing. There are people just like you, and they are all BETTER.""""You cannot even try. *Your best* is pathetic! you are weak!""""You cannot be like them. You will never be like them. You will never see any fragment of happiness and peace that they have taken for themselves, because you cannot take ANYthing.""""You have become a revolting she will of your better years. it is sickening to look at you. 27. Friendless. Helpless. Living in your own hell, just to make you feel like you can relate to others.""""YOU do not BELONG. YOU should not BE ALIVE. You should crawl under the earth like the pathetic, useless, rotten little pest you are. You have no purpose here. You are not even wanted.""""Go ahead and cry. Oh that is right, you are too embarrassed and empty to cry. Good. If you will not cry, no one can hear me tell you that you will never amount to anything for as long as you live, because you will be doing everyone a favor to just stop breathing up the air they deserve more than you do.""""What is wrong with you? Really. it is pathetic. You are the worst living thing in existence, and I have been stung by wasps.""""You are a burden to be around, to look at, to even talk to. Look at you...you cannot even comfort yourself without looking like a sad ragdoll. And nobody is going to come and help you. No one is there for you. No one. you are nothing. you will never be anything...just a sorry piece of meat slowly decaying away.""I leave myself alone...I have dealt enough blows to equate to seven or eight cuts on my arm. Even then...those cuts would heal faster. I am in the dark. I am silent...I look around. I want to go home. I am home...no, I am not...I am someplace strange and distant. I am trapped in this weak little woman's body, lamenting, resenting...regretting.I fade. I turn off my emotions. I am numb....I am scared. Why? Why do I have to be so afraid all the time? Why do I feel it is always...ALWAYS my fault? Why cannot I just feel alive, instead of already dead? I do not like this. I do not like me. I want to be liked. I want to be treasured. I do not want to be alone....I do not want to be in pain. I do not want to face the reality I fear is too harsh to handle. I do not want to live....but I must...I must make it to 2022...and wake up in the exact same place in life I am in now. Nothing...changing....not getting any better....not crying out....not fighting back....not hoping for a better future for myself....not trying to pull myself back up onto my feet....I am running out of steam...out of hope...out of options.I am tired...of hearing the same things over...and over....and over....again...and again...tired of going unheard, unseen....tired of the lies...seeking help, means helping yourself, means little when you want nothing more than to give up...and not keep going...it is too painful. it is too much. it is so much to endure....and it is not fair. I am tired of enduring...I am tired of being so unable to live...so why should I?I have been going for a walk around my block lately in the morning. I read somewhere it helps with regulating my sleep and quelling night anxiety. I do not believe I can fight back everything this way. Especially since I walk alone. Especially since walking does not solve feelings of disappointment. But it is an escape that is not death...and it is a distraction...from my self-loathing. I have some deep lows and my mood can become so bad that I start to scream for someone to help me, to please help me, I am in so much pain and self-wrought with agonizing guilt and shame I do not know what to do anymore! But...then the mood starts to numb. I do not care anymore. I hope that something awful happens to me while I am out, because I deserve it. And then my mood starts to lift off. I leave with a feeling of freedom and carelessness. I breathe deep and full. I take myself places, because no one else will. I be myself, because nobody will remember me anyway. And I feed myself and comfort myself...and I feel okay. I feel finally, fine. Until I do not again....and it all begins over again.I do not even know if anyone will read this. I doubt I even will remember how little I care about myself. I am a total idiot...why did I even type all this? it is just the same old same old. I am still depressed. I am still struggling. I am still in the same place I was before. I just know how to do my job and drive now...anything I accomplish and achieve is nothing to be proud of...because I am not enough. I do not believe I will...ever be enough. I will just be...stuck here. I guess. Until I die....if I had the guts......I would already be gone. I do not believe in myself...in fact, I do not think I can even get well.",Depression +16687,"Hey Everyone. First of all, this is a throwaway account. I am a really frustrated, 16 year old guy who has been through 8 rejections so far. Not counting those in, when I tried to actually befriend girls. Well, that is the only thing I have been trying to do for the last couple of months. I see all my friends with their girlfriends, and it makes me frustrated. Not the thing that I cannot get a girlfriend, the thing that I cannot get a friend who is a girl. I cannot get a girl to talk to me.I get absolutely zero attention from girls. I have thought that it is because of my looks - ""maybe I am ugly"" - but several people told me that I am above average looking, I am also not fat, not skinny, but kind of muscular (I do work out).I do not seek validation from other people, I get enough. I am a 3D modeler and a video editor, and my friends praise me all the time when I make something new. I seek female attention, but do not get any. It makes me depressed and frustrated, I cannot get my work done because of it, makes me unmotivated and sad. I rarely go out these days because of the fear of rejection. Whenever I try to focus on my projects, I get reminded of these things every time. How do I not concentrate on girls? Or what should I do? Being unmotivated because of no female attention. What do I do to get my motivation back?",Depression +16688,"I was put on Latuda about a week and a half ago after three different psychiatrists confirmed my bipolar disorder. I do not know if its just the side effects of the medication, or why I feel this way, but I feel so numb and unmotivated. I have felt this way before, but its never lasted this long and been so intense. While I plan on discussing this with my doctor at my appointment later this week, does anyone have any tips on how to feel less awful until then?Thank you, friends. I am struggling",Depression +16689,I am so lonely and sad its no wonder I fell in love with the first girl who showed me affection. I confessed to her before she left and she literally just said oh. I am just lonely I wish my friends would check up on me they know I am depressed and lonely but they still treat me like shit. I just want a friends or a girlfriend or someone to care about me. she is gone forever. Not that I had a chance anyway,Depression +16690,Does anyone else rely on music? I do because it is all that is ever really there. People do not really care but at least music can be comforting when you have absolutely no one Music,Suicidal +16691,"Hey everyone!.Back here after a few months lolSo yeah idk how much to disclose here.let us just go with crippling anxiety and no direction in life ?. I am trying to be okay but trying means jack shit when you never succeed haha. This week I came the closest I have come to suicide in a few years. it is been an absolute shit hole of year. Not a single anxiety free day and it is fucking july.Anyone interested in a last ditch effort to make things better??. We can try to work towards our goals and try to survive the remaining part of the year. And if we fail, we can always kill ourselves at the end.Suicide is inevitable at some point right. I just want to be able to say to myself that I tried my best before I kill myself. Not sure what this whole post turned out to be. But it is better to post here than to bother people.Anyway. Take care guys. Back again :)",Suicidal +16692,"I miss her alot. I do not even know why because I did not even care when she left. Do I miss her? Do I miss just someone caring about me. Do I just miss sex and am just a sexually frustrated loser. Do I miss the the emotional attachment because I am love sick man child. I do not know. Maybe all of its right maybe none of it. All I know is when i think about her, or when I think/see of others who are not alone and get to experience happiness. All I feel is cold and contempt and hatred. Even those who were close to me I only have hate for them now and their happiness. Death is my only chance at escaping this and the only thing I deserve. If you knew there was no chance to ever be loved by anyone, would not you also want to just end?",Suicidal +16693,"I feel like I will not ever find true friends who I can trust everyone always has betrayed me in the past, I always feel like I am beign judged by my ""friends"" and getting gossiped by them. My mother asks me commonly why am I always home and why do not I go outside to hang out with someone but I do not have a heart to tell her about my problems. So an advice would be helpfull I feel hopeless",Depression +16694,"Just time passes you see your friends on school , college the one who get engaged one got marry one travel abroad one started his business and I am at the same boat playing video games all day watching netflix not used to be the smart guy who got A in physics degree Dam life sucks was fool to believe I am going to be something now i am just human example of misery Same day , Same shit only getting worse",Depression +16695,I always think a lot like almost everything i do not know if its connected but when I go to sleep around 5mins later of sleeping I heard loud noises( More like gunshots sounds) everywhere but when I woke up and in reality there is not something that causes the loud noises. Maybe I am just mentally drained or something. Though I am tired of thinking a lot I could not avoid it. My brain is fucking me up,Depression +16696,"I am not a professional and I am not sure if I can always give you advice. But I am here to listen to you.I am going through hard time myself and I think that we can do this together! If you need somebody to listen, I am here for you.",Suicidal +16697,"This time, I am suicidal logically. My future is a mess already. I am not this. I was capable. Then it took a nosedive. I just cannot stand it. there is no point in saying you have a future bla bla. No, I do not. I know about myself. I know it is going to be hard. Just pure torture. Why not escape now? I can see all the future suffering. I cannot escape that. I have to face it all. Too tired to say it all. Back on suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +16698,"I am in a deep depressive episode and told my friend. I told her because she had said some hurtful things and I brought it up while also sharing I am depressed right now. She stopped talking to me. Her husband is also my friend and hes been the one checking in every day and letting me get all my feelings out. He said she does not know how to be my friend right now and is waiting for me because she just wants her friend back and loves me very much. I do not need emotional support from her, I need a normal friend. She completely shut me out. And is just waiting until I am better so we can be friends again. Its hard because her husband is an amazing friend, so its not like I can just walk away from this.. Am I even seeing this clearly.. what is happening. Depressed but she just wants her friend back",Depression +16699,"I have gotten into the college I want too, I got a girl that I am interested in (for ones during my time of being a guy who just had sex and drank to fill a hole). All these things are a possibility and I am just thinking how will I fuck this up?. Even when good things comes my way I cannot seem to be happy. Why cannot I accept happiness.",Depression +16700,"Our bond is so strong and I am the only person he has, how fucking deranged is it that I do not care if he kills himself? How fucking deranged have I become? What has happened to me... If I kill myself my father will in all likelihood take his own life as well",Suicidal +16701,"Hello everyone, I am going to move out soon to a new house , and when I was visiting it the previous owner kept pointing out that it was well lit all day , now that is a plus for energy consumption but it could also help my mood and energy.I have been living with my parents for some years and at first my bedroom was in the only room that got directly reached by the sun, and I remember back then I did not have any depression at all.It all went downhill when I moved to this room, which is never directly hit by the sun.Its actually the first time that I think about it, but that could be part of the because.I usually feel great during the summer, when I travel and go outside a lot and get esposed for long periods to the sun, but this summer I have been mostly inside and did not feel any better, looking forward to my vacation.What do you guys think? Living in a poorly lighted house",Depression +16702,"I think I am sad. I do not want to die, but its terrible being alive. I am so sick of it, but most of all, I am truly alone. Other people have people, and that is what life is all about right? So there is no life without the people. I am crying and I do not know why",Depression +16703,"I worry if I am on it for like a year or more I will start getting sexual disfunction and stuff, I am only 16 so I really do not want this. I have been on 8mg citalopram for 4 days now and have experienced no real side effects, just maybe drowsiness and nausea but the nausea is super mild and idk if the drowsiness is really even from the meds because I have always kind of felt a lil drowsy. its not affected my sex drive at all, and i really pray and hope it does not, because I am only 16 as i said. i do not want it to ruin anything for me. if i go up to 16mg do you think it will? I am going up in only 3 days to 16mg. I am excited because I have noticed benefits with it already, like getting rid of my morning tremors that have affected me for like over a year now. everything else could possibly be a placebo... like how i feel like I am better in the morning. normally id be super angry and just tense but i have not felt tense at all really. like mentally.i only plan to be on them for maybe 6 months at most, i just worry about long term side effects, and it seems like everyone has story about it affecting their sex drive. thank God mine is still fine. but its a little weird how everyone experiences a lot of side effects the first week and i feel almost nothing... is something wrong? is it not working for me? idk. the anxiety and depression have not went away though, just a lil better on depression. i hope to see major progress though soon, and I am going to go to therapy and cbt and hopefully with help from that i can come off them and be recovered or something. but yeah, what do you guys think? how long should i stay on them to not get long term stuff? thank you. How long should I stay on antidepressants?",Depression +16704,"i feel foolish for posting here. well. not much i can do i suppose. i do not want to go on and on about all the bad things in my life. its boring and no one wants to hear it.its selfish to take peoples time that could be helping someone else. i have someone to talk to. i just do not think i should talk to them about these things anymore. I am just making them worse. I am ruining them, no matter how much they protest I am not i am. so much would be better for them if i just shut my mouth.anyways i relapsed hard last night. I am not even trying to stay sober at this point so its whatever, but i was kind of proud of not havin any super new wounds. it felt good as always but now i feel shitty for not telling my friend. i do not like to keep a lot from them. i do, but it does not make me happy. everything just has been getting worse. might as well write out a suicide note, but i do not believe in that shit. i do not want anything people can hold onto in hopes of keeping the memory of me around. i keep trying yk but my body makes it hard. i know what i want to do now, and how to be 99% sure it will work. just unsure when. tonight ?? sometime soon, i do not want to go though. anything anymore. whatever. going to live it up probably,fill up that empty everything with blood n alcohol lolmy life just is not going to go anywhere. my body is ruined and i have no future. I am hurting the only person I am staying around for. just no reason, this is like a final gift to myself and everyone around me. that is all for now ig, do not be too surprisedf i do not come back; not that I am memorable enough to be thought of that long lol . . .",Suicidal +16705,"Something that will stay with me until I go and be with my family in the afterlife, if there is one. it is too exhausting to try to make it to a new day. Each day is the same the same fight to try to live the same crap day in and day out. For what? A life of loneliness, longing and horrible depression. I just want to see 1 beautiful view before I die.",Suicidal +16706,"I am sorry if this has a lot of grammar mistakes. I am just typing this out in a rush and I am emotionally distraught right now. I feel like I am just not a normal person. Everyone my age has already been in a relationship/has a good friend group, but all my life I have greatly struggled in this area- my mom also reminds me of this so that makes it even worse. I am convinced that people just do not want me around. Why should I live if Ill never have any meaningful relationships? that is something people need to live, its no surprise I am depressed. TLDR; My mom is pressuring me to date and marry this particular guy I am not into and believes hes the only good guy out there. To her its either him or bust. EVERY SINGLE DAY she says she is really upset that I am still not married at this age and my prospects are getting slim. she is believes I may end up alone and she fights with me about this everyday, not even exaggerating. So all of this is really getting me down and even making me suicidal. I am also sad I am still single, but when my mom keeps talking about this everyday it makes me feel even worse. ______________________________________________I really want to get married and start a family soon, I just want to make sure it will be a happy life so that is why I am taking my time trying to find someone instead of rushing into a relationship where both of us will be unhappy. My parents fight so much so I am fearful of having the same type of marriage they have, that is part of the reason why I am taking a little longer to find someone. I also suffer from serious self-esteem issues so I may not be the most fun/great person to have around. She tells me I am being too picky and I just need to get married RIGHT NOW or Ill never get married. I am also focused on finishing grad school (Ill officially graduate next month) so I do not want to look for anyone right now. This particular rotation/class is tough and time consuming so I want to put my focus into this right now. I just cannot take it anymore. Every single day my mom tells me if I do not get married now I never will, because in our community most guys my age are married now. And even if they were looking for someone they will go for younger girls. At this age I am like damaged goods in this community. She acts like I am completely worthless since I am still single. My parents have a terrible marriage where they fight a lot, so I am a little scared to get married. I also simply have not found the right one yet. My mom also signed me up on matrimonial sites and sends requests to certain guys without my permission. Then she complains that I do not like any of them, that is because most of them are born and raised in India and we just do not share the same mentality. Then she complains that I am too picky. She says now this I am this old and suffer a health issue I need to compromise and just go with any guy who seems to be a suitable match for me. My mom said that she is upset that I do not seem to like any guy. She even asked me if I am a lesbian, which is extremely hurtful and definitely not true. She literally argues with me about this every single day. I am just so miserable right now. 28f: I do not want to live anymore",Depression +16707,I am very fortunate to have a loving parent and s.o. in my life. To put it brief I experienced an accidental overdose a few years ago. I cannot work and recently got denied disability. I more often than not have ZERO money.Ever since my accident I have been homestuck and unable to get out. I often sleep in all day. I do things to distract myself. I would rather be dead than be too poor to do anything. These last months have felt like years and I want out. Suicidal after accident,Suicidal +16708,Looking to die todayThanks How much liquid NyQuil does it take to sleep forever?,Suicidal +16709,I am very fortunate to have a loving parent and s.o. in my life. To put it brief I experienced an accidental overdose a few years ago. I cannot work and recently got denied disability. I more often than not have ZERO money.Ever since my accident I have been homestuck and unable to get out. I often sleep in all day. I do things to distract myself. I would rather be dead than be too poor to do anything. These last months have felt like years and I want out. Is it normal to have be in a decent situation and still be suicidal,Suicidal +16710,"I find it funny how to next two days after my attempted overdose were two of the best days Id had in over a month. Yeah as I said I attempted to OD on sleeping pills like 2 or 3 weeks ago. I felt miserable and was completely ready to do it, so I took the pills blah blah blah, told my friend and she said she was going to call the police unless I threw them up so I went to go throw them up. They were already starting to work so after I threw them up I was exhausted and went to sleep. But the next day was a great day. I was really really happy and glad I did not die, and it was the same the next day. I just found it funny how the days after a suicide attempt I was feeling the best I had felt in more than a month. I find it funny",Suicidal +16711,I tried to end it yesterday but failed so I am going to try it again tonight hopefully I will succeed. goodbye going to try to end it again tonight,Suicidal +16712,"I am alone. I am so fucking alone. I have no close friends and I want a girlfriend so bad but it would be borderline misogynist to trick some poor woman into spending time with me. I am such a fucking creep piece of shit incel. I have hobbies where I am around other people but I never make any genuine connections beyond talking about what we are currently doing. I have been using online dating very consistently for 3 years and I get no matches at all. Literally none. I do not even get the chance to get to say hi. I feel so fat and ugly. I have already lost 105 pounds since 2019 but i just want to starve myself then maybe someone will give me a chance. Its literally impossible to meet people when you are such a fucking ugly creep. I have been having intrusive thoughts that I have died and gone to hell and they are starting to turn into delusions but they may just be true. I am only 21 but its completely fucking over for me. I have no reason to keep going like this. I find no joy from the little things in life when i have nobody to share them with. there is not a single moment where I am not in agony. I count every second, every minute, every day just waiting for life to be over. I am not doing this anymore. I have no reason. there is not a single fucking thing in this world worth living for. there is no sunrise beautiful enough, no job well paying enough, no hobbies fulfilling enough to get through life alone. I am so fucking tired of being alone",Suicidal +16713,"I made this account because I have no one else, or nowhere else to vent to. I need an outlet, and I guess an anonymous site like this works best. So I was diagnosed with depression recently, which is not a surprise to me, I sort of knew I had it anyway but now it is officially diagnosed. Some days are okay, but a lot of days just seem to be impossible. I am speaking with my doctor about therapy, and from what I have heard, anti-depressants could be an option in the future. I would rather deal with this head on rather than being medicated, but I am glad to know that there is always that option. Basically, I just want to vent here about how this is affecting me. I am finding little to no joy in my ""happy"" activities. Playing Minecraft, or watching Modern Family for the 50th time, just does not seem to help me anymore. I have two dogs that I love more than anything, but even seeing their wagging tails is doing little to break the numbing sensation I feel. I just hope this gets easier. My first session with my therapist will be next week, so maybe I will update when that happens. Either way, I know I am not alone, so it is nice to have a space like this to vent to. Hopefully you guys will understand. God, this is getting hard to deal with",Depression +16714,"If anything gets me down, I just remember that Feeling at peace that I might made my rough deadline for the end of year",Suicidal +16715,"I typically like to isolate myself because I do not like being around others due to my past. Middle school I was bullied for my height and apperance, high school Made a couple of dumb mistakes just for clout only to get punished for it. I pretty try to change but I realized that lots of people will constantly use your past against you no matter what, ever since then, I have kept my distance from mostly everything. I stay away from making new friends because I fear the unknown, people younger than me because I do not want strangers to possibly get the wrong idea about me, and I mostly keep my social media usage low because of how toxic it can get. I think my obsession with lonelyness is a bit unhealthy but I do not want people to keep using my past against me, it is unfair no matter how hard I try to change. is it normal to stay away from everyone because you fear of getting in trouble if caught with the wrong people or in the wrong place at the wrong time?",Depression +16716,i am a 14 year old girl. i feel filthy and i wjat to cry. today i decided to go on a simple walk around town. i got catcalled and harassed 15 times in less than. two hours. i was wearing long baggy pants and a baggy hoodie. i was completely cobered. i was completely covered and i look like a literal child and i still got catcalled. by old men as well. i got honked and men eere yelling stuff to me feom their cars. one time one pulled up to me. i ran so fast. I am so tired. why do i have to fear for my life and safety in such basic circumstances? I am so tiredand i hate my life I am only 14,Suicidal +16717,"I am wanting to break into a childcare center and kill as much as possible and commit suicide later, fuck society, I just need to get a gun somehow Tired.",Suicidal +16718,I am so fucking fat and its killing me mentally and I cannot handle it anymore I just want to throw up everything again. I am so so so so fucking lonely its sad and embarrassing and I annoy everyone around me. The man I am dating will not even talk to me and I thought he was special because he made me feel special. I am living in complete misery. And my closest friend literally traumatized me with how she used to treat me and I am so angry. I am going to completely fail in life because I am a fucking art major and idk what I am supposed to do. All I can think about is offing myself but idk what method. I think I am going to chop up my wrist or cut my neck again All I can think about is suicide,Suicidal +16719,"I cannot function, every day is suffering... I am only 23 and feel like my normal life is over. No doctor, no meds can help me... My damage is on ear/throat border, it crackles and because a lot of symptoms, burning, headaches, phlegm. Life is hell. I have enough of my undiagnosed damage causing severe neuropathic headaches and more symptoms. I cannot go on",Suicidal +16720,They used this technique to torture people in the past. My life would be a lot more bearable if I was not awake all night everyday. Sleep deprivation alone is enough to make you kill yourself,Depression +16721,I am 24 and have suffered with depression and anxiety for 12 years. my partner of 9 years has just ended our relationship and I do not know what to do. He is my world and my everything abs I just want to end it. I have enough antidepressants and painkillers to take me out and I am doing all I can not to take them. But I do not think I am strong enough I cannot do thia,Suicidal +16722,"Why do people always tell you not to kill yourself as if they have any idea that you are struggling so much barely serving each day. Like sorry you only see what I let you see, you have no fucking idea. Everyday I get a little closer to not having enough reasons to stay alive anymore. And tbh today has been really shit and I cannot be done with this ""life"" bullshit anymore.If I was not such a coward I would have killed myself by now. Idk",Suicidal +16723,"The song is called Suicide Note, and its by Pantera.I have known about Pantera for a long time, but I never knew about the song until recently.Since I cannot link it here, Ill leave a link to it in the comments. I was about to kms one day, but a song about suicide ironically changed my mind.",Suicidal +16724,"I am 19. I am extremely depressed by the reality of adulthood. I just feel like even if I suffer in silence on the inside, nobody cares. But I know people do care but I am finally beginning to realise ""Only you can control your life"". I have serious hair fall. No appetite most of the days. I am forcing myself to eat. I mostly sleep really late at night. So when I wake up late, I feel like I already failed this day. My teeth are stained weirdly. I cannot smile without feeling insecure. I cannot imagine going out the facing the world after the pandemic ends.I used to be so full of dreams. Now I just feel empty. I feel like a stranger to myself. I spend my days thinking all the worst possible scenarios like if I am going to go bald or my teeth is going to fall ( My front teeth fell three years ago because of an accident. I am very insecure about my teeth since then)I am trying to get better and trying to build better habits but I always go back to my bad ways. I feel like I am stuck in a loop. No matter how much I try, I cannot seem to break free. It just seems hopeless. The isolation does not help either. I just feel like I should be this ""energetic person who lives every day to the fullest"" or I am a failure. Just need to get this off my chest",Depression +16725,"Does anyone else get very disturbing intrusive thoughts? I used to get them as a child, but now they feel extremely strong like my minds really trying me to perform the thoughts. I understand this is likely just anxiety but it is very uncomfortable and alarming. It comes and goes throughout the day. Extremely strong intrusive thoughts?",Depression +16726,"It just seems to never actually get better, nothing I do to change my self makes me happier or my life better, sometimes it just feels like I am meant to be like this. Everyday I just hate life, its getting harder and harder everyday to make it thru a day. you all ever just get some random motivation out of nowhere and then boom your back to being unmotivated and depressed?",Depression +16727,"12 years old. where it all began. found my old diary. how long will i hold up? do i want to be like this for another 10 years? honestly.... no found out, I have been like this for 10 years instead of 7 years",Suicidal +16728,"I have had issues with depression for a long time and have abused drugs and alcohol alot. Recently I have taken a break from the sauce and focused on working out and taking antidepressants. I have taken a large dose of pre-workout today and had a couple of drinks responsibly in a social setting. However I feel fucked, I just do not feel right at all. Does anyone have similar situations or recommendations? Alcohol and pre-workout",Depression +16729,"Going down this rabbit hole does not feel as bad. Living another day, feeling this feeling of defenselessness, abuse, and shame is more painful than any wound. Thoughts on thoughts",Suicidal +16730,"I thought it would be nice to relax and meditate. I guess I did not think about the sharing and connecting with others part of it. Every time I had to share I almost died of anxiety. Questions like What do you fear? and other things I have not even told my therapist.At the closing, we went around in a circle and each person shared a special moment they had with another person on the trip, how that moment made them feel, and that they now feel complete.I do not know what I expected, but I was the only person that was not chosen by anyone in the group. I could not really think of anything to share either, but it hurt. It really hurts. Like just in case I forgot, this was a reminder that I literally do not fit in anywhere and am incapable of forming connections with others. I am so stupid to have forgotten exactly how broken I am. I do not know what I was thinking. And now I cannot stop crying in this airport shuttle and I really hope no one notices. I am so stupid to have come here. I am so stupid to think that anyone could ever do more than just tolerate me. I am so stupid to think that I could ever belong anywhere. I went to a yoga retreat",Depression +16731,"Asking for personal experiences. Recently started treatment with meds for ptsd/depression. For the first few weeks things felt better, like I had hope things may finally be changing. But now things feel worse than before. Of course I will talk to my psyche about it at next appt, but just wondering if anyone else experienced this as well, and how you managed? Does seeking treatment make things worse?",Depression +16732,Life really does suck! it is just an endless battle of shit that constantly gets worse there is no real point in overcoming a problem because something bigger is waiting to destroy you around the next corner. I am 25 and my biggest regret is that I did not secured my noose correctly the first time. Thankfully I have grown from that experience and know would call my self a pro with a rope. I just cannot enjoy life anymore and it is like a bad movie or game instead of continuing the torment of sticking it out to see the plot unfold I would rather just turn it off and save myself the aggravation. Another pointless day to be alive,Suicidal +16733,"I am kind of at a loss, and I apologize if my behavior is coming across as self-victimizing or attention-seeking. To begin, I just do not think its worth it anymore. I have made consistent efforts to work on myself, and it has never had any payoff. I long for companionship and emotional security, but every time I enter into a relationship, my partner eventually falls out of love with me, no matter how confident or assertive or forthright I try to be.I am failing academically, I hate my job, I have so much debt with dental bills and orthodontic bills that I have no money to do anything with my life, and my partner has been increasingly abusive towards me. It only ever feels like pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. I am tired of it! I fear a breakup is coming, and I just do not want to be lonely again. I am never happy or fulfilled with my own company. In saying that, I understand that I am young (21) and I will do my best to give my future the benefit of the doubt for the time being, I have a loving family who would be really hurt by my decision, but they are not going to be around forever, which just makes things worse. I am miserable and frankly, I really do not know what to do at this point.I am crying out for help because I could really use some wisdom or advice right now. My thought process has just been really negative for a long time, and I see myself being bitter, angry and constantly upset. I did not use to be like this, but I have no idea how to restore my once positive attitude about life. My life is deeply unfulfilling and unsatisfying, and if things remain the same, I think I will end it in a few years",Suicidal +16734,"Recently saw a gaming stream some other player recorded without telling me. After 2 minutes of watching myself i hate everything about my personality, mannerisms and vocal cadence. Hello darkness my old friend. Change everything about my personality",Depression +16735,I hate her i hope she dies brutally Feeling like killing my mom,Depression +16736,"I would rather die than be homeless. do not have a car to sleep in. Sawed off shotgun seems to be 99 percent effective. Nothing to live for anyway. No job, no person that cares about me. Life is a waste that yields no positive dividends. what is wrong with dying if you have no where to go?",Depression +16737,"These last two weeks have just been awful. I have had little interaction with people because apparently I am obnoxious towards my peer groups because I am umcessarily loud. I have tried to combat this through making some new friends/introducing myself to total strangers but the same thing keeps happening. Either I try making plans to hang out but they put it off or they do not even take the time to respond to my messages. Everyone just seems busy with there own lives (mind you they still talk to their other friends and hang out with them) and ignore me. In addition to this, my mental state has just been shit. Because I have not really spoken to anyone, my anxiety has just been annoying me to the point where everyday I feel death is around the corner. I just do not know what I should do anymore :/ Life is honestly just been shitty recently...",Depression +16738,I am doing my best. I am doing my best. I am doing the best i can to live longer,Depression +16739,"After going yo a friends 18th I decided to walk down to the river and told myself Id swim across it (about 2km) and if i made to the other side i would check into the hospital and if i did not make it oh well. It started raining and i did not want to get wet so I walked home and took 10 panadeine fortes, turns out there is not enough codeine in them to ... you so unlucky on that front. It was also the first time i verbalised my thoughts instead of just thinking them and it was kind of scary. Also just realised how funny it is that i was willing to drown myself but i did not want to get wet from the rain ahaha. I know no one here really cares because they do not know me but i just feel like i needed to get it off my chest and tell someone. Anyway tell me about your nights guys or alternatively your most positive moment this week Went for a walk tonight",Suicidal +16740,I have wanted to die since I was 7. I should have died. I want to die. But friends keep me here and I hate it. I hate being alive. I hate breathing. I hate everything in my life. do not even bother looking through my search history for a reason to live. I just need to find a painless way to die because life is not worth living. I hate everyone and everything in my life. I want to die. I have wanted to die for years but no one let us me. Now I am stuck in a shitty life. Thanks world.,Suicidal +16741,"Can someone help me? I am really confused and kind of scared. I am breathing really hard and it will not stop. I cannot sit still. I just tried to eat food for lunch and I am so indecisive I kept putting it away and taking it out again. I do not know what to do, I do not know what is happening. Is this what a panic attack is? Can someone help me?",Depression +16742,Today I woke up and just felt so fucking horrible. Like I have many times. I feel so ugly and I cannot stop thinking about my life and if I am even making the right decisions. I feel like I am doing nothing useful. I am not in college. I do not know if I ever want to go. I could not tell you what I would want to study. Throughout high school I always hoped Id figure out what path Id like to take. And now I have been out of high school for a year and I still have no clue. I do not feel like I am good enough for anything. I also feel shitty because I am in a position of making a decision where neither path feels completely right. I am currently living with my long distance boyfriend. But at the end of this month I go back to my home. States away. I am not sure if Id feel completely happy moving here permanently. And I am not sure he would not be lonely if he moved to me. I love him and I wish being together was easier. I realize these are all normal things to worry about. But today they just feel crushing. And I am not sure Ill know the right answer to them. Major low after feeling good for a month.,Depression +16743,"Several months ago, I posted something about my luck and how I got depressed and suicidal thoughts. Since then I have tried really hard to get used to living alone and entertain myself alone through all kinds of channels. Of course I encountered some obstacles as always, including my first ever pet cat died of FIP within a month, which for some reasons I cried even harder than my break-up with someone I really loved.But next month, I will have to go back to my university for face-to-face lectures. Things are going to a lot different, and I do not think I am ready for it honestly, since all my daily routine has become completely pandemic-oriented. I do not know if I have the courage to change it all over again like what I did at the beginning of the pandemic.Right before the pandemic, my first year in the university was probably the happiest time in my life. I met a bunch of friends, had tons of ambitious goals which I found genuinely excited about, met my ex-girlfriend who kept me company through the first half of the pandemic. However, everything's different now, 9 out of 10 of my friends transferred to other universities, those goals I had were abandoned because of again the darn pandemic, and finally my ex. I imagine when I go back to the campus next month, I will have to act like a freshman and build everything again, except that now I am depressed, lonely, disappointed in life, more socially awkward than I was pre-pandemic. I do not know if I am able to do what I did one and half a year ago with my traumatized mind now.Acquire some crazy internship positions or become the head of student association are not my objective any more. I just want to make some new friends and be happy again. I am planning to attend some volunteer activities to make like-minded friends and wish me luck I guess. Fear of future change in life",Depression +16744,"Last night i sat in my kitchen for an hour just wanting to get up take a knife and end it. I miss my old self, i feel myself getting toxic and feel super bad all the time. I used to be told that I am the happiest person people met. How do i go back to that? I just really want to give up I miss my old self",Depression +16745,"Because if I had done it, how could it be something impressive? I have never done anything impressive",Depression +16746,I am fucked someone kill me please Just fucking shoot me I fucked up big time I deserve to die I lost 150 dollars now we cannot pay bills,Depression +16747,They are not working!! Its supposed to work by now but I feel shittier every fucking day. I hate how they make me feel. It feels like my head is on fire. I wish I could get rid of my fucking head. Its too much. I feel awful I hate antidepressants,Suicidal +16748,"Anyone experience with hydromorfine ? I ordered o box of 30 pills , in total 480 and mixing with 240 mg of Xanax Would that dose be enough for a lethal dose ? No jokes or hate , please suicide",Suicidal +16749,"i do not think you realise that ur making things worse for me. i went to you for help and support, not to be lectured or for you to try solve all my problems. i just wanted sometime to listen but you did the opposite, you tried to blame everything on my phone, and ironically that is the one escapes i have from my mind. i did not mean to become a burden on you and i wish i could be the same smiley happy girl i used to be. but I am not and idk how to bring her back. all i wanted was for you to understand what I am going through, but you did not. i feel you judging every move i make, monitoring my screen time, as if my depression is all being caused from a single screen. i wish we could go back to how we used to be, the love in ur eyes that used to be there when you looked at me is gone. its replaced with sourness and pain and disappointment. and i wish more than anything that i could make you proud for once. but i just cannot. i cannot fake being happy and bubbly like i used to be. she is gone. i do not know how to remove that hatred and anger you feel towards me now and it hurts. it stings every time you explode at me, every time you yell or argue. I am sorry for putting you through this and I am sorry for being a shit daughter. but right now I am just trying to focus on living, and every time i finally start to feel better, you remind me of something I am still battling, pointing out every little thing I am trying so hard to get better at. but it makes me crumble all the way back down, and then i have to work my way back up again. I am trying, i really am. I am trying so hard to just be happy. I am trying to find that little girl that everyone misses. i even miss her. i miss being happy, being loved, i miss the simplicity and brightness of life. but i do not know how to bring any of that back and if i did i would have by now. i do not know how much more i can put up with before i entirely burst again. i just want to be happy. and i want to make you happy, but i cannot. i do not know how to anymore and I am so so sorry. i just want to be happy",Suicidal +16750,"I am finding it absolutely cringe trying to talk with people because I have nothing to say. I feel I am forcing words out to not be an asshole. My laughs sound incredibly fake and uncomfortable. These are people I do enjoy being around but cannot for the life of me find the energy to keep a conversation rolling. Ill stay quiet during the day and am so tired I feel Ill fall asleep on my shifts. I hate looking irritated or annoyed because I am not, I am just tired.I wait in agony for the day to be over because reacting to things takes way too much out of me, I want to go to sleep. All I can think about is sleep.I am not irritated or stressed or anxious when I am sleeping.Fuck I cannot interact",Depression +16751,"took my quizzes and not even one have I passed it. after this, I was and still am thinking of killing myself. I feel like I do not deserve to live because I am dumb and I am unable to contribute to anything at all. just wishing I am one of those focused smart kids out there. I am just too weak for this world. vent",Depression +16752,"I just want to jump straight into the point. I always end up as the person that is emotionally available for everyone. Whenever someone is feeling sad I am there for them , whenever they want a shoulder to cry on I am there for them. I am always the one asking people how is their life etc. while I do not have anyone asking me nothing.I could literally die tomorrow , and no one would notice anything for a good month or 2. My friends just do not bother asking about me or talking to me its always me who starts the talks and who asks about them. it just hurts that the effort is not mutual and is not appreciated. Am I just a bad person ? or am I just a selfish brat that wants people to care about him. I just cannot do this anymore , I feel alone in this world , and it is killing me slowly. Am I a bad person?",Depression +16753,"I am 16 and there is nothing that makes me happy. If I think about my life I see only sad and bad things.. I have toxic and strict parents, I have been bodyshamed and called racial slurs, I do not have any friends, I just feel so empty and alone. I feel so petty because I literally have imaginary friends and that is what is keeping me alive. No one wants me and I have never been the first choice. I may as well disappear, I am sure no one would even care or notice. I do not want to exist anymore",Depression +16754,"My life is good. there is nothing wrong with my life. But I just want to do it.and what is scary is its so easy. I have paint thinner right in front of me. If I drink it before I sleep, Ill be dead by morning. painful death but death nonetheless.But I will not. I think alot about it though. Everything is fine but I cannot stop thinking about it",Suicidal +16755,"I do not see the point in explaining my situation because even if I do it does not change how I feel about it. it is about my experience and values and thoughts and whether someone knows what is going on does not make me feel less alone or fix it. I lost the most important person to me. she does not love or care or think about me anymore and there is absolutely no way to reach out. even if there were what is the point? she does not care whatsoever. I still love her and I know it is stupid because how can you love someone who does not love you back but there is this part of me that will not let go. I do not see the point in being here. experiencing things. trying to love again. I have been trying and I have been experiencing and it is like I am already half dead. its grey and bland and I am depressed. I love my family but I cannot live for them. the way I am hurting feels too loud to focus on making other ppl happy. I feel and am utterly alone. not because there are not people in the world that hear or see me but because I do not feel connected to them. it is me that feels alone and I do not think anything can fix that. so people saying ur not alone or people saying they love me it feels like nothing I still feel empty. if I live life I am going to be alone and by myself forever. and I am already tired of it. i cannot do it. I was living for myself before but when love is gone what is there to life. there is no hope or faith or things I find beautiful. there is loneliness and pain. I just cannot kill myself because the last thing I want to do is feel more pain. i hate god, i do not believe in him but last night i prayed I would die in my sleep. I wished for once that he existed so it could have happened. I want to die but i cannot get myself to do it",Suicidal +16756,"Hi, I hope that you are okay.I am not, unfortunately. Its the second depressive episode of my life, and idk if Ill survive this one.I have abandonment trauma and each time a separation occurs, I get depressed. The more attached, the worse.My first episode happened 4 years ago and was due to leaving high school and my home town.My therapist, my family and friends helped me through. But the one who helped me the most was my boyfriend. I always thought that I would never meet a guy like those in books. And yet I did. The second we started talking I knew he was special. How odd a feeling.During three years and a half I grew better alongside him. I started loving life in its smallest forms like insect and seeds, learnt almost everything I know about nature and started caring about myself to take better care of others. If there is anything such as soulmates in this world, he is mine. Yet due to that covid nightmare and my failing at passing a specific exam, we have lived apart since March 2020, and he could not bear it. I have not been the best GF in a distance relationship since I have a strong sense of imagination which made me feel like he was with me in the new city I lived in, and the discrepancy between our dealing with distance cost us our story. Ever since our breakup 4 months ago, my life has been nothing but a nightmarish roller coaster which does not provide any fun at all. The worse in that is that I know that he will not be willing to try again for as long as I am in that state (which no one would, this is the healthy logical thing to do), and I do not know how to get out of that state without him.It is not that I need his help to get better, but rather that our being apart hurts way too much. And now that my grandad is about to die, I am seriously wondering how I will not go even more berserk and completely ruin my last chances of getting back with him. I am seeing therapists, taking meds, doing the things that I love (activism, reading, writing and drawing, playing music), seeing my friends and family and even opening up to new relationships and flirting with cute guys. Yet nothing helps. I am feeling more depressed than ever. Sorry for the long sad and useless talk. Yet if anyone has any kind of pieces of advice to give me, Id truly appreciate it. Take care <3 Life feels like the worst of a rollercoaster and a haunted house combined.",Depression +16757,I am too tired to explain. I am too tired to try and fix how I am feeling. I am just exhausted and I want to end everything. I have been exhausted for years now. Id appreciate if someone can tell me a quick and easy method that does not involve guns or cyanide. I am exhausted.,Suicidal +16758,Basically it is hot and humid in my area. We cannot afford ac . I am still in college and will be for 2 more years . I want to find a job to buy a few things and maintain a certain basic lifestyle. I am thinking of data entry jobs or idk wht to do. Heard there can be scammers on linked in . So like how do I watch out for scams and get a decent paying job ? I might be having a neurotic episode due to my response to the hot weather .,Depression +16759,"Misplaced guilt, but still not a great feeling. I have been trying to avoid reddit lately because it just is not a lot of fun the way I use it. Would be better if I could somehow meet people through this, but something about meeting people online just weirds me out a bit. Not because I think I will meet weirdos, more that it is just hard to believe that anyone will care about me. I feel like I really do not have a lot to offer. And with ""internet friends"" (not that I have ever really had any), it seems like it would be too easy for either of us to ghost, and I would never see them again. If it was someone who lived in my city in australia, who could actually be a real-life friend, that would be something. I mean I would still worry about being too depressed to be worth it.And to be honest, making friends is not really a priority for me until I find a partner. But anyway.I have this throwaway account and a regular one. I do not know what is up with the reddit notification system, but I just scrolled back through out of boredom, and between both accounts I have like 4 messages from people. All from like a year ago. Some of them were answering me responding to their r4r post. Girls my age who might have been something for me.I did not see any of those fucking messages and I feel awful about it. I could have been happier by now. I could have met someone. Guilt about social avoidance",Depression +16760,Often when I am driving I wish that someone would run a red light and hit me so that I do not have to deal with my life anymore. I am always disappointed when I pass an intersection unscathed. I wish someone would crash into me,Depression +16761,"I spent the night with the girl I am seeing. We had sex,talked, and cuddled. And it was amazing. She left an hour ago, and I feel a void. I am just sitting here by myself and crying. I do not know what to do I am fucking lonely",Depression +16762,"I want to cut myself somewhere always visible, like my face or my hand. I do not want to forget. I do not want to move on. I am comfortable in my uneasiness, my melancholy, my despair. Can someone help please? I want to scar myself permanently as a reminder",Suicidal +16763,"yes yes, its true. i have a gut feeling nobody will respond and that is a okie. just feel super saddo and i kind of want to search an apartment building and splat. thx for coming to my ted talk i do not deserve friends and am a waste of space",Suicidal +16764,"Been applying to internships for a long time, probably over 35 by now and I have yet to even pass to an interview stage. I also recently hung out with friends and they kept pointing out a major insecurity of mine.Made me feel like shit. I really feel like I will never be normal or like everyone else, no matter how hard I try. All of these job postings are always looking for a ""highly motivated, energetic, driven individual willing to work in a busy, fast-paced environment"" or some shit to that extent and.... that is just not me. I hate pretending like that is what I want. I do not think there is any place for a low-energy passive person like me. Have you ever been called like ""slow"" or lacking expression/enthusiasm? it is happened to me too much. And I am tired. Even if I try to be happy and sociable it is never enough. I do not want to try anymore. I just want to be done. Rant - Overwhelmed by life and the idea of working. The idea that I am too unsuited for life",Depression +16765,"I lied to my only friend, which his something he has 0 tolerance for. I am going to tell him the truth after his birthday and I know he will not forgive me. Its all I think about and I am already so unstable. I cannot study even. I am afraid I cannot handle the stress event. Its the right thing to do but I am scared for my mental healthIm seriously tired waking up to life everyday :( but I want to try you know? Going to lose my only friend",Suicidal +16766,"I am in my early years of high school. I feel fucking horrible just thinking about how nothing happens. it is not like I do not have friends it is that my friend group just does not try to do anything outside of computer games. I do play a lot of computer games myself but I just cannot fucking take not going out. since my friends do not do shit I try to make shit work with other people in different groups and it kind of works but not to a degree where I can go out with them and have a good time. The number of holidays and breaks I have spent rotting away in my room doing absolutely nothing, staring at a screen for 12 hours makes me sadder and sadder but this is all I can do. I often look at others Snapchat or insta stories and see them having a fucking blast and it hits me that I am so alone in my room. I do not want to ask anybody else to go out with me because I am scared that ill look desperate. The only reason I want to go out is that I want to take my mind off school. I do not do bad at school but I do not necessarily do well either. I am just a mediocre student. Every time I come back home with a passing grade without trying my parents lovingly say ""you are smart but you just do not try. We know you can do it"" and it demoralises me to realise that I want things to change but I do not make it happen. It leaves me believing that my parents deserve a better son. Every time I feel sad, I feel guilty for being sad even though I have a loving family and a great group of friends. I am sorry if this is just hormone-filled teen talk but i just though I would write this out I do not even think I should be sad",Depression +16767,How do I get over the fact that I will never experience love in any capacity? Is it my fault for being sad that people do not love me or am I genuinely just that undeserving of life and love how do I get over this,Depression +16768,"I have gotten past the fear of death and the fear of the unknown after death by now. I wish there was a way for me to find out how likely I am to die from attempting, because I have had it with life. I have nothing to live for anymore. I am in constant pain and sadness and depression.I want a way out of this world but I do not want to risk failing my attempt. I do not want to end up blind, deaf, paralyzed, with brain damage, or anything like that.I have made up my mind about living. it is just going to take getting to the next step, and I do not exactly have the means to make sure I am gone right now. I want to kill myself I am just scared I will fail the attempt.",Suicidal +16769,"I went from having a job that I thought was the root of my suicidal thoughts, to a new job that is the only reason I do not kill myself.Today I am wondering if my new boss would fire me over a stint at inpatient. Job",Suicidal +16770,"This entire year has been a montage of pain and suffering, I was basically bullied out of school until my dad pulled me out; One time when I was at this school I was given the chance to get into the school but I said no due to me being fickle and impulsive I know have no chance of getting in because I have not ""completed year 11"" correctly, I do not know how I can get into this one next year, I feel alone in this... Next year I do not know if I can get into the school I want",Depression +16771,I can finally just rest and leave this shithole. I am done.Goodbye Goodbye,Suicidal +16772,"somehow everybody thinks I am doing better but in reality my depression is worse than ever. nobody bothers checking in because look normal, but it feels like I am not going to survive much longer. I am doing worse than ever but this time I am alone",Depression +16773,If you are seeing this I am sorry can we talk Yinyang05 this is Nerdcatwizard and I am sorry,Depression +16774,She used to be so dependable and now the only person I could have depended on is gone. it is like I do not even know her .. I cannot do any job I have no skills to make it on my own and I feel so worthless and weak I want to die I am scared of depending on people because of abandonment issues.. and this just made it worse... I do not see the point in living if I am not able to be independent... It hurts so much it is unbearable... I cannot take it anymore what reason do I have to live if I cannot defend myself.. everyone else has hurt me and left I cannot depend on anyone I am worthless and unloved My mother has become insane.,Depression +16775,"I have never been as low as I am now and idk what to do, I do not want to go out, I do not want to start school again, I do not want to be miserable anymore I hate feeling that no matter what happens to me Ill always be stuck in this sad shitty hole even when I am an adult, I have everything I need but I just needs get out of this shitty town and all these shitty people I sound like a coming of age movie writing this and it kind of made me laugh which is good since I have been sobbing on my floor for 3 hours and it is almost 8 am haha I have never been this sad",Depression +16776,"No friends, no energy, no interest. Just stuck being an empty she will of a person Another weekend another 48 hours of total emptiness",Depression +16777,"So female dolphins have vaginal secretions that make a male dolphin just cum over and over and over. From this point on, I will call these secretions ""Dolphin pussy jelly"". Scientists were like, ""holy shit, dude we got to test this. You know, for science.."" So the scientists collected a sample of the said dolphin pussy jelly, and had a test primate. They swabbed it on the male primate's dick, sat back, and watched the show. Now you see, it worked. But it worked a bit too well. The monkey straight up had a heart attack because it used all of its energy into fucking cumming. I want to live in the world where this is a commercial product. I want to say, ""you know what? I want to die and I know what to do about it."" I want to live in the world where I can go to my local grocery store, pick up a bottle of Smucker's Dolphin Pussy Jelly, and just fucking cum myself to death. my suicide plan.",Depression +16778,"Asterisk because I have never been diagnosed, and I do not actually know what is it that I am struggling with. Anyway. I see now that it will never go away. This sadness will simply always be here. And it will continue pushing people away from me, because I know that being close to someone depressed is painful and frustrating. I will not be able to short-leash it anyway, so why even try. I will never find a bf(or a gf, sigh) because no one will stick around with me, because I am tiring and no fun. Idk if my friends will stay, I will not judge them if they choose to leave because of the whole ""stop talking to toxic people"" thing. And I am that, I am upsetting and boring, I am angry, frustrated, anxious - hardly a positive experience. My sister tolerates me, and I feel bad because yknow you cannot really leave your sibling unless they are a serial murderer or something, so she will have to endure me depression* will always stand between me and people",Depression +16779,"I guess this is less about suicide and more about using self harm to hold myself from committing suicide, but suicide is on my mind too because it seems like that is the only way I could honestly get out of this situation. Basically I work in retail but we are almost always short staffed so they have come to depend on me for certain things. However this had taken a toll on my mental health (I was already prone to depression and suicidal thoughts, but I thought I learned to manage them before taking this job). Back in December, I began cutting, something I had never done before that point. I was able to stop myself in February and told myself I would work for 6 more months and then quit for the sake of my sanity. However in June, the store lost 3 workers who were considered very reliable and in this week, we lost 3 more. it is a dog job so I do not blame them, but because they are leaving, the management puts more on me. In these last few shifts, I have felt like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I am not even being paid $10 an hour. I am always sore and stiff from standing bent over for 9+ hours (processing product in a stockroom). And customer service is self explanatory. it is draining and lately I have been feeling like the only way I keep going without killing myself is to cut myself. My family agrees that I should quit and move on. However it is hard for me to approach any of management about it because I know they will try to negotiate with me (I am one of TWO associates who have been there for more than a year; the rest are all new with the oldest being two months) or try to guilt trip me, which could make the final two weeks awkward. And I do not think it is smart to say 'This job is making me self harm/suicidal'. I just do not know how to power through this situation without physically hurting myself. feeling trapped at job",Suicidal +16780,Same story different girl. .,Depression +16781,"i do not know what to do anymore. just graduated high school, not going to college. of the five real jobs I have had, I have quit three due to my mental health, and I am about to make it a fourth. i seek work as a source of necessary income, and to establish purpose, responsibility, and interaction with others.however, all of my jobs have been either too much for me to handle without becoming damn near suicidal, or my mental health is just flat out so bad that i cannot even function. period. my current job is not the worst, but it is inconsistent, overwhelming, and I have had even had an anxiety attack on one occasion and i often come home from a shift burnt out and crying.I have even looked into disability. technically my depression is debilitating and interferes severely with my functioning necessary for work, but i miss a single box for eligibility: unemployment for at least a year. i cannot go a year without a job let alone a few months. I am grasping for straws. i do not know what else to do. how to find work when debilitatingly depressed",Depression +16782,"I have no family, friends, girlfriend, or job anymore. Should somebody like that just end it? Honestly. what is the point in trying when everything important in your life is gone. Everything is gone.",Suicidal +16783,But I have not showered in like a week and I know if I get up from the sofa I am going to do something stupid so I am just stuck in this stupid fucking limbo with my cat asleep on my legs like she is keeping me hereWhen will I stop feeling like this Guy I like is coming over because big sad,Depression +16784,"Right now everything is fine in my life but I am feeling the urge to finish it, its like anything will be better than this, will be really hard to stay positive like I am doing right now.The thing is I am immerse in to my own damn lies into the reality i just created to me and the others around me.I do not understand who i am and I am getting damn tired about it, feeling the urge to take some pills and end it all, but if i fail again i will be put into a mental facility and will loose more than i will ever have.I need some advice. Might be the down",Suicidal +16785,"About a month ago my best friend was laying on train tracks with a boy and got hit and died. Her funeral was one of the hardest days of my life. I still think about her every day but today I feel some extra grief and just cannot leave my bed. I have been doing better lately, I have a nice job and a perfect boyfriend that would do anything to help me. But I do not like telling him when I am down, because what is he going to do. He cannot drive yet so it is not like he can come to give me a hug. I would rather sleep all day until I can see him tomorrow. I asked him the other day if we could go to her grave and sit for a while, and he offered to buy me lunch after so we are doing that tomorrow. I have a lot of other thoughts floating in my mind that I cannot figure out which one is the root of my sadness. Maybe my past trauma? The fact that I am so impulsive I tell everyone things I do not want anyone to know. The fact that I feel like should not be allowed to go out and talk to people anymore. Even though it is definitely too late, everyone knows my darkest traumas. I feel so much guilt, so much grief, so much pain. But I will be fine tomorrow right? Like always, or is this the beginning of my next depressive episode. I even feel guilt in my relationship, if I have to lie to him or break his trust just to wish I could tell him everything and run into his arms. I feel safe with him, I could tell him If I wanted to and I probably will if he is not busy. I finally reached out to a psychiatrist and maybe I will get answers, but I am scared they are not the answers I wanted. Why is everything so hard, I am so young.. but for some reason, I still feel like my trauma is not enough. Lost my best friend",Depression +16786,I am finished. it is already over,Suicidal +16787,"Its currently 2:30am as I am writing this. I have been thinking bout killing myself ever since i was 9, I am 14 now. i do not see a point in going on, My life is constant disaster. I just cannot hold off anymore, I have not slept at night in a few days so i just sit alone in the quiet with my thoughts. I am really struggling and i cannot do it anymore. there is no point for me to be alive. I am getting really close to ending it.",Suicidal +16788,I have paint thinner on my art desk right now. I will not do it. But I want to. I have no reason to do it - everything is fine. what is wrong with me? I do not know. I have no reason to. But i just want to,Suicidal +16789,"I am so sick of constantly feeling tense, stressed, depressed, hopeless, false hope, anxiety, social anxiety, shame, guilt, pretty much every negative emotion I can think of. My entire childhood has been a hot mess, and my biological ""father"" has been a beacon of intense excruciating pain for as long as I can remember. I have done drugs, failed 9th grade twice, been bullied, done bad things, been arrested, been a victim of abuse and I am too scared to reach out for help. I have recently started seeing a therapist and she seems nice but I feel like a total burden to have to give therapy to, she is also diagnosed me with MDD. There is so much uncertainty in my life that as a indecisive low confidence dude as my self, suicide is looking like sweet relief. I have given up on religion already, and recently moved thousands of miles away to a new place, which makes me feel even less confident and uncertain. My biggest goal in life is to help other people, but I cannot even help myself. I have never truly felt happy in my entire life, and I just want to feel happy so so so painfully bad. I have not exercised consistently at all in 2021, nor have I had a consistent diet since I lost 40 pounds this year thanks to feeling too unmotivated to even drink water. I have recently bought 4 very long games for my PS4 to escape from my life, but I can barely concentrate on the game due to the intense dread I constantly feel irl. I hope to have a normal time playing these games because they are unofficially my only excuse to not commit suicide yet. I am 17, and suicide is the only thing I can look forward to.",Suicidal +16790,"I was almost 12, and the sweatshirt looked nice. I was very depressed. I will be 20 soon, and the sweatshirt still looks nice. I am still very depressed. Things do not get better sometimes. Yeah. Wearing the sweatshirt I bought the eve of my first attempt 8 years ago.",Suicidal +16791,"30, back in school for nursing but I feel like I am never going to be able to stand working because of my mental and physical illnesses. I have had diarrhea for a year, with no signs of any physical causes. Its likely due to stress. I am just so unhappy and it makes me mad that I cannot experience positive emotions like a normal person. I do not enjoy anything. My husband is sick of me, hes been staying with someone else for the past few weeks. I have tried plenty of meds, psychotherapy but none of them have ever worked well. I weigh more than I ever have, never get my period and have the worst acne of my life because of some hormonal issues from stopping my oral contraceptives in November (in an attempt to help with my GI issues). Going on 6 years of the most intense depressive episode I have ever experienced and I just do not feel like I can do it much longer. I do not enjoy anything. Why do I have to try so hard to be happy when other people can enjoy life without this kind of struggle? I hate being alive, feels like I am just not cut out for it. Its as if my mind and body are pushing me past my limits. I have hated myself for the past 20 years and I do not feel like Ill ever be content. Sick of clawing for a scrap of positive emotions",Depression +16792,"I am close to ODing. I have had enough and I do not want to keep on going anymore. I do not think taking all my meds will kill me, it will probably only because harm and it will just be just shooting myself in the footBut I guess I am willing to take that Od",Suicidal +16793,i cannot try to kill myself again but i cannot stand being awake anymore. everyday gets worse i can feel my body wearing out if only she cared enough to want me close to her i would not feel this way everyday is agony,Suicidal +16794,I feel so shitty. This is going to be the second time I skip work because I am scared to go outside. I am going to get myself fired. I do not know what to do. I feel like throwing up but I cannot bring myself to leave my room. I have two bottles of bupropion and I just want to take them all and hope it kills me. I just cannot do this anymore. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror because I hate myself so much. Why did I have to be born so ugly and fat. I just want it to end. I am going to get fired from my job then my mom is going to kick me out for it. I think I am really going to do it soon,Suicidal +16795,"Whenever I feel bad, I always think ""yeah, I need some sort of help"" but as soon as I feel okay again, I do not bother seeking it out of fear of asking, fear of not being as bad as I think I am, fear of actually going to someone etc. You get the picture.Today I figured I would take a look at the self-referral form to see what is in there, there is no harm in looking. I figured it would have a ""submit"" button, or a ""are you sure"" or something at the end. But no, it said ""next"" like on all the other pages, so I clicked it and now its sent the referral through to the place and to say I am nervous about it is an understatement. Been debating self-referring for therapy and just done it sort of accidentally.",Depression +16796,"If you could right a will or something that you wanted that so they do not get in trouble for the rest of their life. Idk what ways they would do it, but maybe take you out back and you are kneeling and they just shoot ya in the back of the head so you do not need it coming.Maybe not so easy if you are perfectly healthy, the docs would not help you unless cancer and terminal, but if i ever got old and cannot walk, cannot see, need a nurse to wipe my ass, Id rather be taken out back to the barn so to speak. If they ever made assisted deaths a thing by doctors what about letting a friend/family murder you?",Suicidal +16797,"Reposting here because I got removed from r/depression, because apparently I do not belong even among my own people. I did not fucking ask to be hereBut now I am here, and people love me, and they will be devastated if I leave, and I cannot do that to them. When I am around other people, I feel ok anyway. So fine, ok, I will not kill myself. I will do it just for You, loved ones, even though living is misery every second of every day, I have no spark inside and I just want to sleep. But I will get out of bed, just for You, to make You happy.BUT..... Society keeps society-ing, does not it?I cannot just 'stick around' for Your sake. I have to actively ***work***. I have to ***work hard***. and I have to ***work hard in the way that society wants me to***. cannot just be a part time barista, oh no. that is embarrassing and also I will be homeless within a month. No, I have to study and internship and make something of myself. And even then, ***I better study the right thing***. Because we only appreciate CERTAIN KINDS of hard work around here.But I do not fucking want to LIVE let alone WORK TO LIVE. Is this a joke? I hate myself. I hate society. I hate being here and I do not fucking want to be here!! I am only here because it will make people sad if I leave!! But here I am shoveling societies shit because I am not allowed to JUST exist!Fuck off! I hate it!Either let me kill myself, or let me simply exist!! I would not mind staying alive for my loved ones if I did not also have to fucking fight like a dog to survive.",Suicidal +16798,"So, I have not been suicidal in along time. I actually started to get better. have not really been depressed. So, I just got a job at Taco bell and now it seems I am back to my old self. Self pity party. Wanting nothing but to end it. Working there only shows me how fucked I am and how it is not worth it. it is not worth working there and trying to save money and stuff. it would be easier to just be gone. what is the point of working 9 to 5 everyday just to hate it and pay bills. it is just not a life worth living. I actually thought I would feel better after getting this job but I feel ten times worse. My wife has noticed. I just hope it is worth it...the strain on our marriage and my mental health. Hope this extra money is worth it....does not feel like it. Trading in my happiness and my happy marriage for some extra cash. Maybe it is my fault for not sucking it up. I am so.stuck behind money. It ruins.my life. Was getting better but now going backwards",Depression +16799,"that is all. I may have / be friends, work, great grades in my academic career, a skilled woodworker and sculptor, a caring family and so on. that is so much stuff I do not even deserve.But being too ugly to be loved is draining my will to go on. You can check even my profile and scare yourselves. I am the last single Person in my company lmao and every relationship I had ended pathetically. I just want to be loved romantically once. I am 1+ year single and that is getting tiring. But I know it will stay this way because I am fugly. Too ugly to be loved.",Suicidal +16800,"Everything is not awesome for me, I have always had depression even high functioning depression.Lately though? After finally given the all clear from having cancer in 2019, my mother suddenly is diagnosed with it.And my boss? Quite possibly the most immature human being I have ever worked with, has cost me a promotion because get this ""you just work too hard"",Lastly I get to come home to a partner who refuses to get councilling for her suspected undiagnosed bpd and gets defensive towards anything I say even positive thingsEvery convocation in my life feels like a knife fight and I wish there was a black hole I could just jump in and rip myself away from a this. Tired, just tired",Depression +16801,Bring me back to primary school where I was actually content with my fucking life please I want to be happy again,Suicidal +16802,"I have been feeling suicidal for awhile and I had a friend that I relied on unfortunately she is also suicidal but we relied on each other pretty well. She suicided last night and I have been having trouble coping with the fact that she did. I do not know what to do and I feel like I too want to take my own life. it is been hell the past year and this girl was all I had that kept pushing me through and now she is gone. I lost multiple friends to suicide and honestly, I just want to see them all again. I do not know where else to seek out someone. I just need someone to honestly just talk to cos I really feel lost. I feel lost and stressed and just in pain",Suicidal +16803,"Even when I try to do homework, I just stare at it for hours. It does not help that it is somewhat hard and I am behind already. I am pretty much looking for anything I can readily get/use. Pills, foods, whatever. I am close to graduating, but depression has caused it to take much longer than needed, and even with just a year left, I am on the verge of dropping out of college. How do I motivate myself to do homework?",Depression +16804,I am feeling pretty down and need someone to talk to I need support ; (,Depression +16805,"Something that my therapist and others do not get is that I can control my loneliness. I have been in therapy for a year to help with my loneliness but it being treated as a symptom of a bigger problem like social anxiety which I also struggle with. But I am also isolated, not by choice or because I have anxiety. Some people have strong families that they can connect with and have a community with but not mine. They are extremely individualistic. My parents keep surveillance all the time. I feel like I am living in an mental institution I can do anything without my parents knowing. They take turns leaving the house so I am not alone. I cannot rely on my friends all the time. Literally just work and go home. I feel so disconnected from the world like my life is not real. Since therapy I feel like I have gotten worse for me. FYI I am 28 I am isolated and its making me depressed",Depression +16806,I just got broken up with after a 2 year relationship not feeling the greatest First time posting,Suicidal +16807,"What should I do, I am dealing with depression. Depression",Depression +16808,"I hate sounding like a conspiracy theorist I realy do, but this song, Mr kitty Dark side (listen to it if you have not) has realy weird side effects on me, when I listen to this song, I get cold, goose bumps, I get scared, like everyone is watching me, like I am about to fight something big, I get confused about everything, it is like it is telling me to kill myself, just to jump of that building, but then I grow all confused again, but by nothing, I just am confused by nothing. it is realy odd, what is odder is that I love these feelings, it feels like I am on drugs, even though the feelings I have described sound horrible, they feel bliss, they feel amazing, like I am completely isolated, like I am floating, I asked around and Apareantly I need to get professional help Becuase this is not normal, like I get that songs can make you feel emotions and make you happy and sad, but I have never had a song that feels me with genuine fear and paranoia but at the same time wanting more of that fear so I turn then volume up, it is sounds weird but I can realy feel the synthwaves travel through my ears, I can feel each echo of the voice go through my body and make me shiver, it is just weird, what do you guys think? (If you want to listen to the song, be in complete darkness or close your eyes, volume full blast with head phones) This song has weird side effects in me",Depression +16809,"I am currently on Bupropion (150mg). 2 months ago things got really bad for me mental health wise and my doctor noted that and prescribed me a 2nd antidepressant, Paroxetine. I had exams coming up around 10-14 days later (from the date of the appointment) so I figured I would take the new medicine after it was over because it took me quite a while to get adjusted to Bupropion.However I did some research on the drug and saw it had a few side effects which made me worry alot. I have ADHD, and the side effects for Paroxetine were nervousness, forgetfulness, difficulty in concentration and I really do not want that to get heightened because I already have those (unmedicated for ADHD). It also had weight gain as a side effect and I had really bad body image issues & disordered eating last year so I feel like I might spiral if I gain weight I do not intend to. How do I tell her I do not want to take the additional drug? Bupropion is working well for me and I made a few lifestyle changes which has made me feel a lot better this past month. I am in a much better place now and I do not feel like I need or want it. (I was experiencing suicidal thoughts when she prescribed Paroxetine)I am really scared because I do not want her to take it as an insult or as an act of defiance and drop me. I really like her. But I really do not want to risk these side effects and the potential withdrawal syndrome should I go off it. How do I tell her? Please help me. How do I tell my doctor I do not want to take an additional SSRI?",Depression +16810,I have a very tiny studio apartment. I have been very depressed for about 3 weeks. Well my entire life but it comes in waves.I can feel the depression lifting again but my apartments a mess and its giving me an anxiety attack just looking at it. I have no motivation to clean it and I am not going to get out of the depressive slump until I get it clean. I need some advice. My apartment,Depression +16811,"its the same shit which repeats itself each fucking time, this world is so contaminated and i hate it , all of it and th way how it fucking works ?? what is the point of anythine ANYTHING AT ALL why am i here again 6 months later , writing a post ?? why the fufck am i suciidal again ?? WHY JUST WHY i just want to die in my sleep, i am done trying again and again AND I COME BACK TO THE SAME POINT WHERE I STARTED EVERY.FUCKING.TIME. no srsly tell me what is the point",Suicidal +16812,I do not know how I feel anymore. I cannot really tell you the last time that I have had a day that I felt depressed the whole time. But I also cannot remember the last time I have really been happy for a full day. I sort of feel like I am just existing and not having any emotion. I do things really well in the day and then as soon as I get into bed everything just sets in. I always feel like I am going to cry but no tears come out. I sometimes wonder if I fake my depression but I always hear people say if you feel like your faking it then you probably are not. Can please someone reply and help me. Can someone please help me?,Depression +16813,"Quote from my dad. he is wrong. I do not care about videogames either. There is nothing in life that matters anymore to me. ""You do not care about anything except videogames""",Depression +16814,"My (30F) partner (34M) is depressed. Triggered by some new personal stressors that I do not want to get into as it is personal to him. I am reading about how I can help and have heard all the general comments on setting small goals encouraging small daily rituals, supporting therapy and/pr medication, etc. We are already pursuing medical/psychological assistanceI would really like to know if anyone has some small anecdotes about how you have been helped in small little ways by someone else. Nothing grand, just little gestures that meant something to you. I know I cannot cure him by being nice and I do not expect to, I just want to make his day as easier as I can. Thank you in advance Would you share an anecdote of something a support person did that you appreciated?",Depression +16815,"there is something that makes me depressed, but in order to change that I would have to earn money, problem is that my depression prevents me from taking action and looking for an opportunity. How can I motivate myself for something while being depressed? I get older each day and feel like I waste so much time but at the same time I feel like I just cannot do anything against it. I am depressed about something and cannot change it.",Depression +16816,It just does not stop On the outside I am fine but my mind is like a fucking battlefield,Suicidal +16817,I do not want to go to college anymore. My family is so toxic. I am depressed. They will not support me for my college and will not pay for tuition. What should I do? I am depressed. I do not want to go to college anymore,Depression +16818,"Now I get to spend all my fucking time with my abusive parents and never get no chill nor sleep because of them. they will think of anything that Ill hate and make me do it all day every day.Yesterday was literally the one and only best day of my life because I got to celebrate my birthday (which was originally on Monday) with my closest friends. We smoked some weed, listened to music, chilled and even freestyled for hours on end. It was the best day of my life but of course it had to end on it. that is it. Back to my usual everyday shit. Therapist are not shit. Parents on their shit again. Everything is back to normal. Summer holidays just started and its only getting worse",Depression +16819,"there is a old arabic saying that goes like this: ""You want to kill yourself? Throw yourself into the sea and watch yourself fight for survival. You do not want to kill yourself, you want to kill something within you.""I have been suicidal and depressed on the latter part of my teenage years. Even now i feel depressed from time to time, we all do i think. But i want to flip the common thought of depression on its head, just to look at it from another perspective. I am not denying that suicidal thoughts and depression has neurological base but I am not going to talk about brain structure and all that stuff. I think you can deal with depression here and now.People who are depressed and want to commit suicide are the ones that might love life too much. The universe is flowing through them at the speed so fast that they cannot handle. They are too full of ocean of life and have too much feels. What they really are seeking for when they want to commit suicide is to return home, to the source, to rejoice with the vast ocean that is life. They very much want to live and they want to live authentically.What they really want to kill is the ego, which fabricates the story of their life which they now realize is bizarrely illusionary. The idea one has to end ones life is actually a point of awakening. They want to wake up and they want to reach the bridge of life and get to the otherside, which could also mean death. Death feels very certain and very real. Life on the otherhand intangible and uncertain, it is always moving.I think this is why many people have had experiences of awakening right after coming out of the darkest hours. Now when i feel sadness and negative emotions, i look them as an opportunity and an invitation to change the current narrative of my life that is not working out for me, or to delete it completely.I try to face my emotions head on, rather than suppress them, by metitation. I sit, eyes closed, hold my thoughts and emotions like a baby. Bathe yourself in your emotions. Listen to them. Listen to the underlying intelligence beneath the sadness because it is there for a reason. it is there to try to communicate something. It has to be heard. do not fight it. Witness it, be friends with it, laugh with it. Beacuse ultimately they are part of life and part of nature and part of you. If you cannot accept bad weathers like storms, hurricanes or earthquakes as part of nature, there is no reason why you should not perceive sadness under the same light.The storm can only pass if you let it come first. Depression and suicide",Suicidal +16820,"there is a old arabic saying that goes like this: ""You want to kill yourself? Throw yourself into the sea and watch yourself fight for survival. You do not want to kill yourself, you want to kill something within you.""I have been suicidal and depressed on the latter part of my teenage years. Even now i feel depressed from time to time, we all do i think. But i want to flip the common thought of depression on its head, just to look at it from another perspective. I am not denying that suicidal thoughts and depression has neurological base but I am not going to talk about brain structure and all that stuff. I think you can deal with depression here and now. People who are depressed and want to commit suicide are the ones that might love life too much. The universe is flowing through them at the speed so fast that they cannot handle. They are too full of ocean of life and have too much feels. What they really are seeking for when they want to commit suicide is to return home, to the source, to rejoice with the vast ocean that is life. They very much want to live and they want to live authentically. What they really want to kill is the ego, which fabricates the story of their life which they now realize is bizarrely illusionary. The idea one has to end ones life is actually a point of awakening. They want to wake up and they want to reach the bridge of life and get to the otherside, which could also mean death. Death feels very certain and very real. Life on the otherhand intangible and uncertain, it is always moving. I think this is why many people have had experiences of awakening right after coming out of the darkest hours. Now when i feel sadness and negative emotions, i look them as an opportunity and an invitation to change the current narrative of my life that is not working out for me, or to delete it completely. I try to face my emotions head on, rather than suppress them, by metitation. I sit, eyes closed, hold my thoughts and emotions like a baby. Bathe yourself in your emotions. Listen to them. Listen to the underlying intelligence beneath the sadness because it is there for a reason. it is there to try to communicate something. It has to be heard. do not fight it. Witness it, be friends with it, laugh with it. Beacuse ultimately they are part of life and part of nature and part of you. If you cannot accept bad weathers like storms, hurricanes or earthquakes as part of nature, there is no reason why you should not perceive sadness under the same light.The storm can only pass if you let it come first. Depression and suicide",Depression +16821,Maybe it is a good comparison. I read about the people having Covid and losing the ability of smell and Taste and I feel like that is the best way to describe me being unable to feel pleasure from music and sex. I have the anticipation for it but once I experience it it feels like nothing.I have read about people eating less and some even saying they do not know how to live like this and I finally do not feel so unsure about my bad feelings anymore.Eating is Essential but so is sex and music to most people and I hope people can understand better now how I feel about life and how I lack being a human and it makes me terrible sad and as those Covidpositive people cannot do anything to get their Taste back I cannot do anything to Suddenly feel more sensitive towards Sex and music :( The Covid Symptoms of losing smell/tase are comparable of how I feel about music and sex,Depression +16822,"I honestly do not know how i can keep doing this, I am sitting at my 12 hour shift at work trying to keep it together after crying all night. I am tired and dreading going home idk what else to do. I feel like I am drowning i do not have enough money or time to see a psychiatrist. I feel like a bad partner to my girlfriend and I honestly do not know what to do. I am exhausted.",Depression +16823,She was the best person. We had a relationship. Not a lover type. But a brother and sister type. I seriously treated her as my own older sister. I felt loved. She understood me. But I fucked up. I did that. I destroyed it man. I should not have told her that I was depressed. She helped me so I thought I could depend on her. That was my mistake. I got too attached. It sucks so much. I had the only I ever wanted and I destroyed that.,Depression +16824,"It was so hard to get out of bed this morning to go to work. I have heard the soft comfort of bed referred to as ""death"" once and I understand it. I did not want to get up. I just wanted to lay there forever, even if that meant losing my job, my income, my ability to take care of myself.it is a long 12 hour shift. I physically do not feel I can make it. Mentally I have been checked out for a while.I have thought about getting a different job but I feel it would be more of the same.I wish I could just give in. I just want to sleep and dream my life away. I am really struggling today",Depression +16825,"I have never ran away and I really want to, I want to get away from my family and have the thrill of playing an extreme game of hide and seek. It may sound psychopathic, but I want everyone looking for me until weeks later the cops find my hanging corpse. I want to go to the gas station and load up on all the snacks I can think of before getting the courage to end it all. I am not sure why I am posting this, but I really want to get it out and this is the only place I can think of. I want to run away and hang myself",Suicidal +16826,I am 24. No career.No proper degree. Bad college grades due to constant mental health issues with no support.Was preparing for an exam hard. Finally gaining motivation. GF broke up abruptly just a month before exam. Affected me badly. Failed in the exam. No money to retake it. No one to talk to. It looks like an endgame to me.I cannot escape this. No escape.,Depression +16827,I really need someone to talk to. I am so overwhelmed and I am really panicking Need someone to talk to,Suicidal +16828,"I am ledt behind, my girl left me because I cannot make decisions for our future. The boys, they are moving forward together, without me, I do not anyone to help me, how can this be better? Left behind",Depression +16829,"I am sorry in advance for this negative pretentious drivel. This just really needed to come out of me. |||Distrust, disappointment and futile attempts to escape hackdom is all life seems to be.||| 29 years old. I make money as a commercial music producer - music for ads, tv and sometimes amateur film. I am really starting to hate my job. I feel like I am lying to myself when I do it. My family are somewhat encouraging but I know they think I am a fuck up. I spend every bit of time (when I am not trying to calm down my anxiety or pull myself out of depression and when I do not need to crawl out of bouts of procrastination) on music \- playing it, recording it, composing it, listening to it, reading about it. I have always wanted to be able to live off of my own art - but I have always told myself since the beginning (13) that this is a dreamers pursuit and to be realistic - to see what life is really like - and to know that this obsession will lead to nothing but suffering, alienation and potentially a whole lot of humiliation...but.... to do it anyway - because in the meaninglessness of life you should try to at least make it all about what you love. As I get older the idea of getting somewhere... and by somewhere I do not mean for fame or fortune.... but to make something people care about, to do something important in a way of giving back to culture - giving back to the arts that have not only saved my life numerous times, but made me feel exhilaration and love like nothing else has.... this idea of getting somewhere feels less and less likely. The most depressing part is that I do not think I have even properly put myself out there yet, that I would not really know how to --- That I move in so many different directions artistically, that I am so indecisive with what I want that it kind of seems impossible.... AND that this feeling of age is looming on the horizon. Like I am crossing over to 30, with my chances of any of this happening slipping away.Drugs and alcohol have now officially become about coping for me. it is not a party anymore. I hate socialising most of the time, I do not have social problems I am just really tired of it - especially when it is not music related - so I act up, get sarcastic and facetious and use the booze and amphetamines as a way around being irritated by everything and everyone. Which I feel guilty about... ...Because I know this is clearly just me being a miserable, selfish asshole. I cannot stand the incessant opinions of others - I never react to what is being said, I can even ignore it at the time but when I hear some of the shit that comes out of peoples mouths there is always a pain in me that starts and becomes more and more intense over a few hours. It turns into resentment, hate and then crushing sadness. The arrogance, meanness and the seemingly endless conjecture I keep hearing from everyone around me is excruciatingly distressing. I socialise less and less because of this. I live with a few older men - who all at one point tried to do what I want to do. It has not worked out. Now all they seem to have is marijuana, welfare cheques and a cynicism that is so dry, dull and invasive that just by proximity It can make you feel overwhelmingly despondent, dehydrated, hateful and high. there is a bitterness in them that you can feel through the walls of the house. Avoiding conversation is imperative if you want to maintain sanity with these types. Speaking with angry contrarians has never been helpful for mental wellbeing. At least not for me anyway. I have been through 3 long term relationships that all ended badly. The last one was particularly bad. I blame my apathy. Right now I am sort of in a casual relationship with someone who I suspect sees me as an ignorant pig. there is a lot of criticism about a lot of different things thrown in my face by her. Any conversation I bring up about commitment or what the relationship itself is meant to be is dodged. I am really starting to feel like I cannot trust this person. That they see me as disposable. I have already uncovered a few lies by them. Maybe I am wasting my time with a lot of people in my life. Maybe they are wasting their time with me. Every once in a while when I drink I think about killing myself. Every once in a while when I am sober I do as well. Some months way more frequently than others. Some days in those months it is for hours at a time. A few months back, I grabbed some stainless steel scissors and started cutting into my forearm. No one found out what the scars really came from. I had a bad excuse. I am still not sure if it was Just to feel something or to express my frustration in some way. Maybe it was for attention. Cutting myself for attention makes me feel an incredible amount of shame to just think about. But like I say I am not exactly sure why. I do not know where this is going, but I feel like I needed to put this down somewhere.. I have tried a shrink, I have tried family and friends. It seems to only be met with fear. I am sorry again. Meaninglessness and Pain",Depression +16830,"I have an e-friend , he is from another country , he is really a nice person. We are really good friends. he is just an amazing human but his life is just so messed up. he is struggling w many mental health issues as depression, anxiety , ADHD at the same time. Also he is not even physically fit as he has many other health problems too. he is 20y/o and lives w his parents but as much as ik,his parents are not really supportive towards him ,they do care about him but most of the time they blame him for everything. He does not have any rl friends either, he is absolutely all alone and have literally noone w him . He had even tried to attempt suicide but fortunately he failed in doing so. I talk w him, listen to his problems and try my best to help and comfort him in every way i can but at the it is only him who has to go thru that all. These days his family members are acting really carelessly towards him, he told me that they have almost given up on him. Maybe they do care about him but the way they behave w him is absolutely wrong as all he needs is some people who are loving and compassionate towards him, but his parents are not doing so. they are taking his condition for granted and now he too has almost given up , i talked to him last night and he was almost hopeless from all the sides, all he is thinking about how to end his life and i just FUCKING do not KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR HIM , giving him advices and comforting him is not enough as at the end he just does not have anyone who has his back and he just cannot make it all alone ,i feel extremely bad for him but I am just helpless and idk what am i supposed to do now. I want to help him but idk what am i supposed to do",Depression +16831,"Sup guys so I have had a funky time with mental health. After having a very fun depressive few months.. years on and off I really and I mean really want to get rid of this clingy stubborn crap stain of a companion.I have tried doing that by trying to enjoy life more. And you know I am really fucking happy to admit that I think I am almost there. But its like I am sitting on the edge of a cliff and when I look down I can see the type of person I want to be but becoming that person feels like I am going to have to jump off and here is why. I want to be able to wear clothes that look nice and make me feel nice when wearing them. I want to have a better relationship with my parents and sibling. I want to focus on my hobbies like art and writing. Start cooking and doing it more often instead of just eating cup noodles. I want to start enjoying train rides to cities looking at the Opera house at sunset, meeting new people, having lots of plants, doing things that make me feel at peace. man, I just really want to start enjoying life.But every time I do things that I have always wanted to do I remember why I did not do it before and what stopped me. Every time I wear clothes I am excited to wear I keep thinking how bad they look on me. I remember looking through my clothes and putting together outfits I might be able to wear if lockdown gets any better but after every outfit deep down I did not like how my body looked on all of them. I have gained weight and it feels even worse when my mum comments on how fat I look. I am 57 kilos and 163 cm which might be chubby but personally would not go on to say I am fat yeah know? however to my mum, it is beyond every time I come to have a conversation with her, she comments on my weight, my hair, my looks. I remember she used to comment a lot on my grades but after I got A's and made it into a competitive school she stopped and went on other things, the constant shame of grades had driven me into trying so damn hard at school thinking maybe if I get better grades my mum will get off my back. But its as if the more I try to make her proud the more ways she finds to get disappointed. But she is my mum, she is toxic sometimes but I know that she cares and certain times she shows it. but it is hard. it is hard having conversations with my family. There so.... strict and hard to talk to. So judgemental. So overdramatic. Whenever I talk to them I get reminded why I did not. My mum always says I am just avoiding my family I say that I am busy but the truth is I just want to have a nice time with them but I am scared. I am scared that they will say something mean and either ill have to pretend it does not bother me just to maintain, peace or ill let it get to me and get emotional. Whenever I do art, write poems do things that I like I regret doing it because I simply do not have time. I barely have time. School takes up most of my time, it is like I have no free time. Every time I do have free time I study. Study, study, study. Even though I am well aware it will not mean anything to my parents. it is like second nature. I cannot stop thinking about school. I go tutoring in the city, so aesthetic train rides to the city? Yeah reminds me of all the hours I spend on Saturday doing math. it is just that. When I start getting better, all I can see are my flaws. I am emotional, a workaholic, stressed all the damn time, insecure. I get so disappointed, Soon enough before I know it. All the motivation I have to get better disappears. And I am back to square one. I think one of the first steps to getting better is understanding I am very flawed but what after? And how do i get past this? I want to get better for myself, for my mum to stop worrying about me, so i stop getting annoyed at my little brother, being a bother to my friends. I really want to stop hating life because to be honest I have got so many good things i want to look forward too, so many good people i love. Yet deep down i *always* get worse, *i always get dissapointed, i always get fucking tired of life all over again* I want this time to last. How do i look at my flaws and not hate myself and get depressed all over again? How can I look at my flaws and still be... ok?",Depression +16832,"I was diagnosed with depression by my therapist when i was 15. I feel alot better than i ever have in my teen years where i always felt miserable and numb. Ever since 2018 as i got older, i was still stuck in the past but that time i was feeling guilty about anything. Embarrassing moments, when i was a bratty kid, or being a rude teenager. All of which make me experience immense shame. This shame spiral always makes me experience these thoughts. ""Did i let them get away with how they treated me? are not those bullies happy?"" ""was not i at fault in those situations and not them?"" ""were not they just kids too? Why should i hold a grudge?"" ""do not they have a right to hold a grudge against me after what i did? Even if i said sorry back then?"" ""are not i a hypocrite?"" ""Why was i so weird? I did not mean to be weird. I was just trying to be funny..."" ""I did not mean to do anything wrong...""I was so happy. I was so happy in March and some of April and few times recently because i had just thought, ""I was just a kid. An angry, insecure, depressed kid that never had bad intent.""I would try to push the past out of my head because of that. I was so genuinely happy than i ever was in years. I was doing things i wanted carefree without any guilt. Without any fear that bullies or jerks are happy with their lives, having faith and loving the world despite the tragedies that happen. Seeing the good in me and in everything. I was not nihilistic anymore. Does this happen to anyone else? I hate feeling this way. it is only gotten worse as i gotten older. Every time i feel this shame take over i just want to disappear. I want to run away, and be someone different. Is this just part of depression? Or Anxiety? Or is it just me?",Depression +16833,"Hello I am just writing this on a whim so excuse my grammar and stuff Started the year real rough with school stress, family problems, financial problems, mental health problems, abusive family shit, the list goes on. I started going to therapy last month or so and I was progressing well. I was diagnosed with dysthymia and I was going into a more stable and functional state. I started to do my schoolwork again and I was managing my stress and intrusive thoughts better. I was proud that I was recovering and I was so excited to getting my life back together. But I guess I spoke too soon and I ended up relapsing this week. I do not know what triggered it, but I feel like it happened because I had a lot of slip ups this week (like messing up while doing chores, upsetting a friend, etc.) I ended up planning out three suicide plans and writing a tear and snot soaked suicide note (pretty gross I know). I am pretty angry at myself right now, because I feel like I wasted the efforts of my therapist, my friends (who helped me a lot with dealing with my bad stuff) and I feel like I wasted my own effort. what is worse is that being angry at myself just fuels my desire to kill myself even more. I do not have the guts to tell my friends about what I am feeling or thinking cos they are going through their own problems right now and I feel ashamed to even tell them because I am an awful friend cos I suck at being there for them emotionally (I am still learning how to be empathetic and how to comfort others, nobody really taught me as a kid so I am still developing on that aspect). My family does not acknowledge I exist anymore, and I am falling behind my school work. I just want to end things, because I just do not have a desire to live anymore. I feel like I am a burden to others, I have been pretty much abandoned by my family, I just do not see the point of living anymore. If you have reached this far, thanks for reading my rant. I feel like I wasted my progress",Suicidal +16834,"I am 17 years old. I was suffering from neurosis, depression and suicidal thoughts for last two years. The person i used to be is gone and I am afraid its not comming back. I felt alone for my entire life even though i spend most of it being outside my house. I could not find myself in society. I interacted with hundreds of people but i never found true friends. Last week i went on vacations with my family to Greek island Rodos. I am comming back home on Saturday. The next day I am going to jump in front of a express train(speed around 130km/h in the place I am about to jump) in my hometown. I known all along I am going to commit suicide in my life but back then there was still a hope something is going to change but now I see it was pointless. I just want to share this story with somebody. Well GL to everyone and that is it I think. Commiting suicide in a week",Suicidal +16835,"Sometimes something so profound happens in life that a drastic change is required. A complete and total system reboot and reprogramming. Such is my story and in that same sense, it is akin to trying to extract blood from a turnip.Many people try to convince me that I am no lesser, that I am just as human as they are. The unfortunate truth is that I am not, I am nothing like you, I could never be like you.I cannot whisk myself away into some fantasy reality where everything will be okay. I cannot lie to myself and say that I will change. I know what it would take for me to change, yet I know that change would only be temporary. I know I will end up exactly where I am, as I am, today.It brings to light just how magnificent you humans truly are. I still cannot even begin to grasp how you do the things you do, almost without even skipping a beat.It amazes me that people still even try to relate to a thing like me or try to be compassionate towards me. I am just a freak, a monster. I do not deserve any of it, yet people persist. it is awe inspiring, truly.To whatever extent, there may be a fraction of hope that remains within the hollowed out tusk of the human I was born as. Unfortunately, words could never fill that void. Not even compassionate, kind, encouraging words.The damage is done and I am far too aware of it to deny the overwhelming reality of it all. I am here because of me, I cannot blame it on anyone else.Why would I take my pain and put it out into the world? All I have to do is simply be present and people feel it. They become more aware of the threat I am. I have always compared it to having a neon sign on my forehead and to that extent, I suppose I should be grateful.At least people saw me for what I really am and made the right decision in avoiding me. that is reality.I have tried to play some role in this world and no matter what, I just never fit. that is reality. I am so cold towards myself because it is all I have ever been shown on any consistent basis. Sure, every once in a while someone tries to show some sense of connection and it often results in both of us getting hurt or leaving with hurt feelings and regret.that is just what it is to deal with me. I do not know why it is or what causes it, it is just there. I try my best to circumvent the issue by being more understanding and kind and compassionate, but even that is not enough to really outweigh the impact I have on others. It is still true that I am like a bad omen of sorts. I bring bad luck to those who come near me.that is just reality. that is my reality. I just do not want to push that on anyone anymore. I used to desire connection, love, belonging. But life has always had other plans for me.I am the outlier, an ever watchful eye that sees the beautiful treasures of humanity. But I will never find my way into that vault, I will never find my place amongst the most precious commodity. There is no space there for me, that is reality.But I can still admire just how beautiful you humans truly are, even as a monster. The Monster Who Grew a Heart",Depression +16836,"even high, drunk, and downing 2 bottles of ritalin did not kill me. what the fuck. i just want to die. i failed",Suicidal +16837,If any1 has this problem pls tell me. I am like really sad these past couple days n hopeless. I do not eat cannot sleep just some1 pls tell me if they have this too I am confused have bad anxiety so dk if it is that Scared! i cannot stop crying keep have intrusive thoughts,Depression +16838,"Would like to get this out. There are rare times when I have had the will to speak honestly. This will be a whisper, hopefully drowned out, but I need this. The past few years have been difficult. I am surprised I managed to get this far. I feel that I am trapped on a ship in the ocean. we have been taking on water for a while, but are still managing to stay floating. I am getting tired though. it is the constant ups and downs. First it feels like I am capable of anything, then I feel empty. Every time I think to myself, ""you can do this, you can change. You can get better,"" I do well for a few days, maybe a week. cannot even talk to my family, so I resort to spilling my shit into this void. I need help. I need to be better than this. But you cannot do this alone. I have tried for too long to solve this by myself. title",Suicidal +16839,"I am having panic attacks since this morning, i do not how I am going to handle this. Abandoned, medication does not work and feeling very suicidal",Suicidal +16840,"Llama: Shush little child, do not cry. No matter how much you wish for it, You still not going to die Me: *goes to zoo* Zookeeper: Be careful of the llamas, they get real with you sometimes and they spit.",Depression +16841,i just turned 18 last May and my depression is getting worse and I am cutting myself. i want to be safe in a hospital idk but it gives me comfort to be in a hospital. i just do not want to mention that I am suicidal because i do not want my mom to know because i do not want her worry please help i have no one i want to get hospitalized without my mom knowing,Depression +16842,I have got no friends I cannot have parties because my neighbours are cunts and I have got nothing to look forward to i give up its going to be the most depressing season ever everyone is happy and enjoying themselves then there is me being suicidal in my room I fucking hate this time of year,Depression +16843,"I have worked so hard to just pay the bills, meet new people, keep good relations with my current friends, trying to pursue my career. And yet I feel like I have not gotten literally anything in return. I am in this endless cycle of doing so much, not getting anything in return, and then working even hard because I feel like i do not deserve it. I do soo much but I do not get anything in return it feels like.",Depression +16844,"Its weird. 24 hours ago I felt actually happy. Now I just feel like I am in a dark hole and I cannot get out. I was fine until last night, I got really anxious for no reason and when I woke up this morning it was still there.The only thought in my head is there is no reason to live anymore.I cannot find a reason. Before I was living because of fictional characters but now my brains just decided that that is not a reason for me anymore.I just cannot get up, I cannot get water, I cannot get food. All I can do is lie here, drowning in my own thoughts. I have no motivation to try anymore",Suicidal +16845,"I am a 15 year old Colombian boy, living in Europe. My dad was shot dead back in Colombia, when I was 4. I live with my mum, and my two sisters (ones 11, and ones 13. My family lives in poverty. we have moved around Europe for 10 years now. We first moved to Naples, Italy. Then we moved to Marseille, France. Then Charleroi, Belgium. And finally, Glasgow, UK. I only have one friend, who is moving to Cornwall next year, and I am very socially awkward, so it will be difficult to make new friends. I just want to kill myself so bad I need help",Suicidal +16846,"hi everyone, I am new on reddit! idk its good for me but i just want talk with person who understand me.. anybody want to know but yesterday i made me puke because i do not like me body and i know its not good for me but i think its the only solution for me, I am not really fat but i had a lot of complexes and i really really REALLY want to do it again even if its disagreeable and i force myself not to eat :(( i do not like me and my life hello!",Depression +16847,I was feeling sad for a long time but now I cannot feel my emotions I just do not feel anything. I cannot describe my emotions to others. I cannot feel anything. Emotionally numb.,Depression +16848,"I am 18. I really hate myself. My teeth is decaying and I cannot do anything. No matter how hard I try to clean myself, I still look ugly, especially because I cannot afford extra stuff for my body. It is really hard to fix my diet (sugary and oily) because we are barely making it -- it is unlikely to plan our diet based on the budget we have. I still depend on my parents and our income can only suffice expenses for food and very basic stuff.I failed two university admissions and it really makes me question myself. I used to be good in academics. I wish I joined sports event when I was young and I also wish that I should not have focused on academics when I was a kid because now, all my academic achievements are literally useless.I hate it that I really do not have any skill. do not get me wrong, I have been trying for too long, yet the best I have got is something mediocre, or even terrible. That makes it hard for me to look for a job, and even do freelancing. They say it gets better. But everyday, I am getting closer to ending it all. I know that when I leave, I know that I will put my family into debt because dying is pretty expensive, too.I am sorry if I do not really have a diagnosis. But the thought of ""suicide"" has came across my mind for several times. I just do not have the balls to do it. I cannot stop",Depression +16849,"They left for a honeymoon and they will be gone for a week. it is the perfect amount of time where I can finish up my notes, and kill myself. I already have the method. I do not know. Something about me finally having had enough and ending it while they are off in paradise gives me some sort of relief. They would be having the time of their life and they would not even know till they got home a week later. My parents are both gone for a week and I think I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +16850,"I found myself hospitalized.I did not eat or drink for 3 days. And honestly, I felt fine. A bit tired, some dizziness, but that is it. Managed even to go to work. Yes I am depressed but I feel like everyone is very much over reacting. So what if I had suicidal thought. I do not have them right now. And I am smart enough not to attempt anything why in hospital.I am just so tired, and I do not feel anything. People go about their lives like that forever. I feel like a crybaby, there are people with much harder things in life. I feel like I do not belong here. I am fine. So what if I am empty inside. So what. Who cares. I do not. I feel like I do not belong here",Depression +16851,"Who else wants to pass away not quickly but slowly and painlessly in like 3-4 hours, and by time passing just see yourself slowly and peacfully pass away while watching some good movie or listening to heavenly music so that your final moments on this earth would be euphoric . Is it even possible? Dying slowly but painlessly",Suicidal +16852,"Many things have been going in my life which depress me a lot and make me sad,Feeling lifeless ,hopeless and all.But I have a question why my emotions are Variable , one time I am happy (made myself understand) and the other times I am complete opposite .I know there is a reason.But I want these emotions to be constant , either I want myself to be completely motivated or make me completely depressed , why this life makes me happy or gives hope for a moment , I do not fu**ing need it Sry for harsh words but I am fed up , when I need motivation most importantly I am not getting it so that I can work when I need to at my most crucial times .I want to be stable. Emotions are Variable",Depression +16853,"I want to preface by saying I am not suicidal, at least not exactly. I have a good life, basically. I hang out with friends and family frequently, and I am happymostly. I do, however, not want to live like this anymore. I do not care if its selfish, but I do not want to live a life most people live. I do not want to work a 9-5 which Ill probably be sitting down the whole day, and by the time Id be getting home, Id have an existential crisis. I want to live a life not surrounded by machines and loud noises, by people interrupting mid conversation to check a notification on a phone. I want to live a life most humans think is unrealistic, a life void of setting myself up for something I will not enjoy. I look up to monks, as they live the life I want to live; serenity, reflection, getting away from society. I just cannot imagine myself working a job in a building for a big fraction of my life, Id honestly rather just not live at all. Advice? How to live a life I want to live?",Suicidal +16854,"And that will return my depression. I feel that if I overcome depression, I will lose a large part of myself...",Depression +16855,"First off; I am not diagnosed, but I feel I might be at the start of what could be a depression. I am tired, have a hard time eating and sleeping, wake up dreading the day to come, easily overwhelmed, no concentration whatsoever. This all started when I ended up in the hospital with Viral Meningitis.But, I love my job, I love my study, I love hanging out with my friends, I practice my hobbies often, I look forward to the future. But the now feels so off. Online self tests all state I might have a depression and I should visit my doctor. But I do not want to die and I love life. Its just so overwhelming. Is this normal? Or am I just overthinking things? Can a person be depressed and not want to die?",Depression +16856,"Why does life have to be so hard?Time to sleep, nite. I am so tired...",Suicidal +16857,"I have had suicidal thoughts almost my entire life. I am 29 now and the idea is more powerful and I can imagine myself doing it. Although, I am scared of going through with it. I practiced strangling myself to see if I can prepare myself to do it. After one attempt I realized there will be some suffering if I do it. What are some powerful techniques to calm me down and control it?so I can continue my life with some peace Advice for how to cope with suicidal ideation and any life advice",Suicidal +16858,"I have struggled with Depression and Anxiety from many years. During the lockdown I actually got a bit better as I started to analyse my thoughts and understand what is causing it.. But now everything in my country is going back to normal.. My college(residential) has called us back to campus in first week of August and I am literally shaking thinking about going back. I am not ready to face the world yet. I am not done with my therapy, meditation and workouts. it is causing my head to spiral and I am suffocating just thinking about it. And I am back with my suicidal thoughts! Life seems pointless!",Suicidal +16859,I really wish I could have figured things out. I decided on a date,Suicidal +16860,"Firstly, sorry if this is a mess. I am just typing things out as they come to mind. I have tried to clean it up. It took me an hour to write, read and try and get it to flow.During primary school and most of high school, I was seen as the ""gifted"" child. High grades, got along well with most people, super fixated on IT. Towards the end of high school, I just ""gave up"".I have not been myself for about 14 years. Lack of direction, lack of purpose, and I really do not know why I am even still here. it is been a massive struggle. Especially with a family, particularly my father, that does not understand or believe depression is a serious thing. ""Drink a cup of concrete and harden the fuck up"" is his general mantra. My mother did not understand it until recently when it hit her hard and she was medically discharged from her job. Her and I have a really good relationship, and we vent to each other regularly. she is overseas though, which makes it really hard. 11 and a bit years ago, I asked my high school crush out and we have been together since. When we first started going out, I felt like I had purpose for once. As time went on, we grew closer. I have always been directionless and felt worthless, but I had support. she is saved me from ending it all a few times. I have been getting medical help for my head for the last 8-10 years; medications, psychologists, psychiatrists. Nothing seems to help. it is my fault though. I do not like showing my dark side to anyone, so sessions usually end with ""you seem good"". The only two people who know my true state of mind is my partner and my mother.One of my methods of letting my emotions out is by sitting down in a room by myself, putting Linkin Park on as loud as I can, and singing/crying through the music. Like my partner, LP's music has saved me many times. It connects with me, and explains my state of mind down to a T. When Chester died, I was an absolute mess. I cried for a week. It took me a few months to be able to listen to their music again without breaking down because of Chester's death.Now my partner and I; I feel we have grown apart. I used to be able to rely on her to be a shoulder to cry on. Someone to vent my thoughts to. I think she is grown sick of it. I do not blame her. I am sick of it too. she is been very quiet and secretive recently; talking to random blokes online, having early morning breakfasts with them. You know how you get a hunch that something is going on, but you cannot really prove it?She got a house the other day. I had no knowledge of it; she kept me in the dark. I only found out today because I noticed she was moving an awful lot and ended up triggering an award on her watch. I then checked Find Friends to see what the go is (we are in lock down again due to COVID) and she is in a completely different suburb a good 45-50 minutes away from her home. I quizzed her on what she was doing. It was only when I pushed for honesty, I got hit with the ""I have a house and I have been moving my stuff"". To me, there are three major milestones of a relationship; getting a house, getting married and having a child. I feel she is pushing me away, and that there is nothing left anymore between us. I kind of felt that way already with the secrets she is been keeping, but this was the nail in the coffin.Now with Chester's death coming up again in a few days and my partner's bombshell, I honestly do not know where to go from here. Most days I just wish a truck would take me out on the road, or something else would take me out. At least that way I would not feel guilty if I ended it myself. Everything around me is crumbling...",Depression +16861,You do not matter if you are a guy hurting I wish I was a girl,Depression +16862,"1. I am grateful for outside opinions that help clarify information for me2. I am grateful for the sunrise3. I am grateful for another chance to do things right for myself 4. I am grateful for the cool morning air5. I am grateful for coffeeI invite you to join me every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at 7am (or whenever you find this post) and share 3 to 5 things that you are grateful for in your life. Try to be as genuine as possible but if you have to list silly things, that is ok. The more genuine the better but being grateful for anything is perfectly acceptable. will not you join me on the road to hope? Gratefulness Journal",Depression +16863,"I am pregnant, my bf and I are flat broke and live week to week, his car has stopped working, he is still a drug user, I do not have family money, I have no friends and I am at the point of suicide.. I want to have a termination but two girls at work found out I am pregnant and say I have to have it. I do not know whether to tell people I had complications and lost the baby and then kill myself. Please give me advice someone. I am laying in the bath with a knife while my bf is asleep on the couch downstairs after calling me an ungrateful bitch because I said he cannot provide for us as a family. What do I do I am on the verge of giving up for real this time.",Suicidal +16864,"I know I have to love myself. I know I have to think of myself more positively. I know depression and anxiety hold me down and prevent me from living the way I need to. But how far do I go? At what point does it go from legitimate self-criticism and drive to change to self-hatred and perfectionism?How do I know what thoughts to change? If I am never hard on myself, what do I use to change for the better? If I am not depressed and anxious, what do I use as my moral barometer?",Depression +16865,I just do not want it. I do not care if life is fun and I will miss out on things. I do not want any of that. I do not want anything life offers whether it is something good or bad. I want to be dead. I did not choose to be here and it is not fair that I have to live for 80 years when I could just go now. I do not want to work or have a family. I do not want to travel or have friends. I just want to die. I did not choose to be born so it is not fair that you keep me here. You cannot tell me things are going to get better just hold on because everything is fine I just do not want this. Whatever you say I do not want it. The only thing I want is to not exist and it is ok because death is not a bad thing. Not everyone wants to live a long life and make memories and have a family and all that. Why does it make me mentally ill to not want this? I do not think anyone should ever want to die just because they think things are never going to get better. I know life will be good at times but I do not want the good things. it is just not worth it for me I just do not want life,Suicidal +16866,. it would be fair to just be able to decide you do not want to do it anymore. why is it seen as such a bad thing to not want to exist when the majority of your existence is sadness? seems a bit silly to me. I wish you could die after crying a certain amount.,Depression +16867,"I do not want to die, I do not think I will commit suicide but I just cannot do it...It sucks, I might be failing one of my college course, I know, it is completely my fault and I have no excuses, but I wish I would just pass, all the marks were low, I know why this happened, I sacrificed everything, fought with OCD and porn addiction but still, I have no friends, I have a poor mom, I am pretty sure, I am stabbing her in the back for having a god awful kid...It sucks I never made her any happy, I wish she had a better husband, a better career (if there was one) and a better child, instead of whom she got married to, not sacrifice her career for social norms, and a weak bastard like me. I wish I could go back and but I do not know what I would have changed, I wish I could move forward but I do not about the future, I have plan, I do not know whether it will work, I wish someone would made her happy, Me, dying will not make it, god I hope I made her happy somewhat man, I really do, what is the point, I am a nobody and I know it, she will know it too someday, what a miserable life, what is the point in life? I do not want to die, but god, life is just awful.",Suicidal +16868,If I have had 10 drinks and I just took like 8 200 mg Advil pm am I going to get my stomach pumped if I go to the er Help,Suicidal +16869,"Over the past couple of years I have been suffering from loneliness. My immediate family who I live with were made aware of this by me after I admitted to them I had felt suicidal this was near the end of 2019.Fast-forward to now and although I spend most of my time with my immediate family which helps me out I still suffer strongly from loneliness as I only have one friend who tends to be busy, but we hang out occasionally.I have a deep desire for a deep and meaningful connection, someone I can call a close friend who I can trust, and also a partner I can spend time with.This loneliness is emotionally damaging to me as I am seeing an abundance of content online on TV, YouTube, etc., where people are happy with their friends and/or partners, and here I am wanting someone to call a friend or partner, to be happy.I am trying to meet new people but I cannot find any meet-up groups of young people like myself who share my interests. I will not open up to my family due to feeling a sense of being pathetic, embarrassed for my lack of social life, and because I do not want their pity or to be treated differently.I just feel stuck and hopeless now, and this drives my thoughts of suicide and misery.All I want is someone to talk to that is not my family, but I also feel like my feelings are not valid because I have not tried everything. Loneliness is emotionally painful",Depression +16870,"Does anyone feel like the people who work for these do not actually care and are reading from a script?""tell me what is going on for you"".""what I am hearing is this. Is that correct?""They do not understand. They do not care. they are in it for a pay check. Suicide hotlines",Suicidal +16871,Really cry. At someone dying in a movie. And he is sick right now so he was crying and struggling to breathe. he is eight.And I am here with a plan and a date.And I was brought straight back to reality. Realising I will destroy his life forever. Today I saw my son cry,Suicidal +16872,"I know it may sound clich, but I am just tired of living the way I am. I cannot even change anything in my life, because I fear my mums reaction. I have been thinking of running away, but I would probably get hauled back home by cops and just ruin my life further. At this point I do not want advice, I just want someone to even pretend to understand me, but I do not think that anyone cares enough. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up... I am just so tired of everything",Depression +16873,"I did not know him. But the first thought I had after reading that email was ""Damn, I wish that was me"". All I need is one more rejection and I promise I am finally going to act on my suicidal thoughts. Just learned that a kid at my high school passed away",Suicidal +16874,Housing crisisGlobal warmingLack of employmentCoronavirusNo future Despair Hopeless,Suicidal +16875,"I live by a lake. I love the lake, but every day I think about how simple it would be to drown myself in it. Even the best things get polluted by my suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +16876,"No, I do not want to work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life and barely make any money to survive while living in a shitty apartment, in a shitty town, full of shitty people.I do not want this. I want a career. I want a good future for myself. I do not want mediocrity. I do not want to accept mediocrity.",Depression +16877,"My opinion is that everyone overestimates what they know about their condition, how their thought patterns work, what triggers their anxiety / depression. This does not get addessed when we introspect, especially when we introspect, in fact the more we feel we know about it, the more the feedback loops get hidden from us. What are some factors / conditions that were addressed / you were informed about during therapy that you were completely unaware about before counselling. What have been some findings / factors of causation / etiological factors that you were introduced / explained about in therapy / counselling and otherwise were totally unaware about or had no idea about?",Depression +16878,"that is it, that is all I really have to say. Life is pointless, especially mine. I do not really want to be alive anymore",Depression +16879,"Okay so something suddenly, seriously suddenly, happened to me 2 nights ago. I was minding my own business, and was lying down, about to go to sleep, when a sudden felling and sensation of foreboding, as if I am going mad, sadness, came over me. It was so uncomfortable that I woke my paremts up, fearing that i would loose my mind and hurt them or myself.My parents are very supportive, and loving and i am the apple of their eyes. The feeling of foreboding did not go, and i continued to feel that sensation. My mom kept an arm around me, and I tried to sleep. I did sleep eventually, tho it was not great, but still, it was sleep.The next day i hoped i will feel okay, but then it did not go. Thoughts of wanting to harm myself came, when i literally do not have anything bad happening in my life, in fact, i was jolly and happy before the sensation. But i must say, that i was binge watching on crime vids on yt, where they discuss the criminal cases of people, and it did not affect me much, until the sudden feeling.Now, 2 days after the sensation, I no longer want to harm anyonez but yes, intrusive and poignant thoughts of arming myself are coming to me, and *do not* want to act on them. When I do not try to think about them, I am alright, but when I do, these symptoms come:Wanting to kill myself (i visibly try to shove this thought as i have no reason to do this)DiarrhoeaIncreased heart rateSomething, body shakingWanting to sleep a lot (which i like to avoid as then the depressing thoughts come back)Not wanting to speak muchUnable to concentrate/distract myselfI think i need professional help, but its too costly i guess i should speak to my fam about this, who have been very supportive of me. They will understand and try to help me. But if a psychologist or therapist here can please give me some advise on what to do, i would be very grateful.Peace and love. Is this a sudden depressive attack?",Depression +16880,"I really should sleep I have work in a few hours but half of me just feels like quitting. I do not want to say I am feeling suicidal but if I could just not wake up again i would. I do not feel rational at all and i recognize that but it does not help. I am overly concerned with everyone is opinion of me and it sounds insane because actual strangers not seeming happy enough at work or not getting a response on something i post just overwhelms me. I feel like a child again. I did not get the place I wanted to move into and it feels so personal. I know its not really? But it does not help, I have this underlying feeling my roommates hate me and my room will be the worst and Ill get there and hate it all. Its not even two months now I am moving 6 hours away and I do not even want to.Nothing really makes me happy anymore I just want the pain to stop. This is what happened last time I just could not deal with it. I do not know what is wrong with me but I am not even sure I care to treat it. I think I just want to sleep and never wake to deal with it all. Genuinely I think what is stopping me is the fear failure like god if I failed and had to face everyone after that I could not deal with it.I am wide awake and i wish i was not. i do not want to get graphic but i did a number on my leg and i cannot even feel it anymore i cannot feel anything and i know its just in my head i mean i do not know I am too tired to do anything but i cannot calm down enough to sleep. I really do wish I could see it through. feeling lost",Suicidal +16881,Fastest way to kill myself Please help,Suicidal +16882,"my baseline productivity fluctuates and has been often on the lower side although sticking to what I have been advised and following a routine has made my ""life"" better in the sense that I have a routine, there is less of procastrination, ironically, it has also makes me feel more in a vegetative state. Waking up / physical activity / adequate sleep etc might make one ""live"" a better life, but what is the point of just living a better life iykwim, I would rather be in a moderately deranged state, feel more things, react to more things, manifest and do what external stimuli make me do than just being normal and vegetative. Fixing / adhering to a schedule, obeying conclusions derived in counselling do not really imply ""doing"" better",Depression +16883,does adulting mean having therapist as a friend? i feel I have lost my friends. i moved from a diff country& my friends back home do not understand me anymore. & the few friends i have here in america i feel take me for granted. or look down on me when i share something vulnerable. i just feel alone all the time. friendships adulting,Depression +16884,Fastest way to kms? Help,Suicidal +16885,lol is this normal my own relationships and life is literally so shit I am way too close to suicide so i daydream about characters all the time I am very self conscious is this just some weird depression thing sjmzhfdmjgif it is not normal should i stop before it gets worse? its my only coping mechanism tho since I am clean from cutting daydreaming to escape reality,Depression +16886,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,Depression +16887,"I am freaking 38 years old. My therapist should not NEED to be asking if I brushed my FKING TEEFERS!!I want to know how that felt to ask. I want to know in intricate detail, what emotions were going through her head when she asked that.I mean, I put myself in that position. I have a client who has no oral hygiene practice due to it never being something that was reinforced in them as a child. What is going through my head when I get ready to ask that question?I want to ask about them brushing their teeth but there is this twinge of insecurity in the words I am about to say. I do not want to put too much pressure on my client. Maybe if I make it cutsie, it will not sound quite so badly. Or maybe I feel like I should be treating him like a child because that is what he essentially is, a grown man-child who does not brush his teeth. So maybe if I sneak in this slight dig, it will motivate him to do it more.Those are the most immediate thoughts that come to mind. Yet, to use the word ""teefers"" and then some time later in that same session to attempt to compliment me on how deep our discussions usually are and how she thinks I am ""very smart"". Yeah, one of these things is not like the other! ONE OF THESE THINGS DOES NOT BELONG!! let us be realistic here",Depression +16888,"...because I can never get good at anything. If I pick up a hobby, I do it for a few weeks, then hit an obstacle or get bored of it and just give up. This has been happening for years. For example: I started drawing multiple times and I am still about as good as a toddler. No matter what I try, I cannot stick with anything ever. I think it has to do with the executive function in my brain being banged up, I cannot organise myself. it is frustrating nonetheless as it is really all my fault, because I know I could have been good if only I pushed myself more. I get these depressive episodes where I hardly do anything but eat and sleep and those days could have been spent doing something actually worthwhile. Feel like such a loser...",Depression +16889,"I have been stabbed nearly to death, hit by a truck, crippled from the waist down, bullied because of my autism, and beaten on multiple occasions by people because of what the rest of my families beliefs are. I have been only knowing pain, physically and mentally, for the past 8 fucking years and I just wish there was a quick way to wish it all away. Its not that I *want* to die, but if that was the only option, well, I have been through enough trauma to not even hesitate to pull that trigger. I just cannot take it anymore. Especially with all this bull crap happening now. everyone is fighting each other, and I just wish it would end. You ever just wish you would fall asleep, and never wake up? that would be nice, except I cannot fucking sleep because it hurts to do anything. I cannot, I just cannot with this hole world",Suicidal +16890,"I will keep this short.My wife and I have been together since the age of 15. 21 years without break. we are the type of couple to argue over the phone about who hangs up first. Some years ago we had our first child snd she started suffering from postnatal depression which became much much worse during the pandemic and an unemployed period she had overlap with the pandemic.Her psychiatrist had her on several different meds, the latest of which is Venlafaxine/Effexor.Since starting this medication, she has become more energetic and alert, but also started talking about not feeling a single romantic feeling towards me, and wanting to divorce because she cannot imagine ever having feelingd towards me again.Could this have to do with the meds? Should I talk with her about how her meds make her feel? Question about Venlafaxine/Effexor",Depression +16891,"Throw away account because my original Reddit acc name is associated w diff social mediasIm 20 years old, won my battle of depression years ago. Won? Or should I say I distracted myself from reality to the point that I forgot my problems existed? I have distracted myself via going out w friends, hitting the gym (Been bodybuilding for the past 5 years) and I live in a country where you are not allowed back in gym if you are not vaccinated but have been waiting for my message from the Ministry of Health to get vacced since the new rule of no vacc no entry got placed (3 weeks ago)Help me, I rarely feel this way, this feeling of being numb and somewhat down instead of being emotionally disconnected. The anxiety and thoughts have started to kick in but I cannot help but wanting to fight this feeling off with anger but I do not want to be angry. I hate knowing the fact that every woman I get to fall for me cannot give me what I want, to feel special and loved. I hate the fact that my friends do not reach out to me and I have to reach out to them. I am so tired of my own reality that I have to constantly distract myself from the way I truly feel when I am alone in my room. I cannot talk to my family about this because all I can say is that the ship has sailed a very long time ago. I am so tired of constantly telling myself f*ck it we move Help me I hate this feeling",Depression +16892,I want to give up. I want to die. My life is hopeless,Suicidal +16893,Any advice would be appreciated. What has helped you to make positive progress? What has changed your life for the better?,Suicidal +16894,"Since I was eleven, maybe younger, I have dealt with odd crying spells; a lack of motivation, an ache in my chest when I cry so badly it feels like a hammer was thrown into my sternum, a habit of self destruction, and sometimes a sense of selfishness so intense I am amazed I still have a family to hug.As I have gotten older, things have gotten easier in some aspectsmore difficult in others. I have always felt safe when I sleep, though. When I sleep, I do not have to deal with the emotional dysfunction brought by my ADHD (which if I had not been diagnosed and medicated, I am not sure if Id still be here), nor do I have to deal with other people. I love my family, and I love my boyfriend, but I feel bad for existing as I am sometimes.I do not like having sad thoughts pop into my head. I do not enjoy crying for hours in my car at 6AM. I have never liked the headache I get after I cry for so long, and get it all out. Sadness is such a bother.I still do not quite have a grasp on how I am going to manage once I am living on my own, or I do not have insurance, but I know that thinking about it for too long can trigger the crying and freaking out. I know that thinking about the future too intensely as a whole can trigger the crying and freaking out. I do not want to cry and freak out anymore. I wish I had been born into wealth, so often. And I know that the economic side of things is such a root because for what MUST be a majority of the population. This can make me cry and freak out too; thinking about how unfair it all is.In the 10+ years I have been feeling this way, I still do not know what the whole lesson is supposed to be. I may never learn the lesson. Maybe I am the lesson to everyone else? Sounds kind of dumb tho.I do not want to be sad. I want to be happy. I want to laugh from my belly when I watch TV, and I want to be able to listen to more music and feel comfortable singing. I want to live in my own place and fill it with plants. I might want to have kids some day and end the generational trauma once and for all. I write about my future to keep myself hopeful in the present. I do not. Want. To. Be. Alone.Thanks for letting me vent. Hah. I have had Major Depressive Disorder for 10 years.",Depression +16895,"i do not even know why I am even doing this... but hello internet, the only place that I have ever felt a sense of purpose. though i must admit i do not mean reddit in particular. i think I am done. yet another life of a a complete failure is is coming to an end. for a while, i think... i think i was doing better. i started keeping a journal, which helped arrange this madness until recently. i had friends, people i met online anyway. you know what? i do not feel like writing this so I am just going to go now sorry for wasting you time. hello interwebs",Suicidal +16896,"Today I had a very bad day, It all started in the morning hating how I look. I have suffered with acne and that has had a major blow to my self esteem, and I try very very hard to have clear skin and it seems like it gets worse at times. I hate how people that do not take care of themselves have clear skin but I take extremely good care of myself and get it. I also hate other things about myself that is impossible to change. Living with my family is also extremely toxic I hate it here, someone is always mad. My dad is very abusive both mentally and physically, my brother suffers from depression so hes always mad or sad, my sister is very very bipolar. The only one that truly tries is my mom which I will always appreciate her. However today everyone was at their worst. I try to live better but just living in the same house is extremely negative. The girl I have been talking with and someone who I have grown extremely interested in no longer seems to like me. I look at photos from my past and I am jealous at myself and how much better I felt and looked, and I am angry I let myself down. I feel alone. It sucks how many people my age live life care free with no serious problems, and I am struggling to get motivation to walk down the street. Life Is Tough.",Suicidal +16897,"Pretty much what the title says. I feel really positive and content with my life but there is this feeling that I cannot explain that lingers. I feel like I am just magnifying that unknown feeling because I really love and feel comfortable with where my life is going right now and out of those endless sea of positive emotions, that insignificant presence somehow stood out. It feels like the tiniest spec of dirt on my otherwise clean shirt, it is not really a big deal but as soon as I give it a shred of attention, the more my mind focuses on it. It feels like I am heading down this really clear road in life yet wondering aimlessly. It feels like I am the host and the parasite.It really does not make sense, I think I should not really be feeling this way. I love myself and anyone I surround myself with. I love my hobby ever since I was a child and not once did I ever felt bored with it. I love my life and I am living the life. But somehow somewhere, this feeling just appeared out of nowhere. I not sure if I am scared of it but I sure am confused. Feeling Happy Yet Confused.",Depression +16898,"been pretty much depressed ever since i was 13.. 10 years later n still feeling the same suicidal thoughts. I have never really had friends because we would move houses every year/2 years so I would have to go to whatever nearest school was at our new location, bc of that I have never spoken to anyone and been mute my whole life even now idk how to talk to my own parents/family. but few days ago really topped it off for me with my pet dying right in front of me. it was so scary and traumatising I have never cried this much since my bf cheated on me. the loss of my cat just.. they were the only one i felt comfortable with like i would not of been bothered if it was a person passing away but someone so close to me? just triggered the lowest I have ever been. how do you stop the suicidal thoughts? i feel like my parents never really appreciated me as much as they say they do because I have had to leave every job I have gotten because i cannot deal with the social part of it all to the point I would get panic attacks n start crying/breaking down of them negatively judging me etc. honestly the thought of killing myself has been daily I will tell you that now but it is the pain of it all that is stopping me and the fact i still have debts to pay which i do not want to pass them onto my parents or grandma. i just feel like if i knew how to talk to people/keep a conversation going i would not be so anti-social and suicidal all the time like I am trying my hardest to make friends so i do not feel lonely but it is so hard when i have nothing good going for me. when does it get better?",Suicidal +16899,"I have bipolar depression and anxiety and that makes it really hard to determine whether my relationships are really meaningful or if they are of convenience.My older sister will buy me alcohol, and I used to think that was pretty cool to be able to drink with my friends. That was until that was the main reason my so called friends want to hang out. And because my family is so carefree about it, my house is always the place to go to hang out and/or get wasted. I have dropped anything/everything that was going on with me to get friends out of bad situations. Picking them up when they are stranded or had a bad day, giving rides home when they are wasted, getting them alcohol, and even waiting for hours in my car while they went to a party so I could sober drive them afterwards. Ill constantly get the I love you, I appreciate you, you are my best friend, etc., and I have even gotten the I am a terrible friend I am sorry multiple times, but I am just so sick of it.I cannot trust my gut instinct that they are just using me because of my mental health and I fear that I may be creating problems or just overthinking and spiraling. I have a problem setting boundaries and being too willing to help a friend in need, and I find myself putting other people too often, and I just wish I was not being put in those situations anymore. I feel sad just thinking about it, and I do not want to have a conversation about this and make my friends feel bad, but at this point I just do not know what to do. Am I allowed to be feeling a little unappreciated? I feel like all of my friends are only friends when they need something",Depression +16900,"So we have been dating for 3 months right now and she always has moments where she just hates everything about her body mostly because she thinks she is fat when she really is not. Now I do not want to reveal too much about her as I am afraid she might get mad at me but I need advice on how to help her overcome this and every time I tell her she is not fat and that she is the most beautiful looking person in my eyes although she appreciates it, she says stuff like thanks but I do not hate my body for you I am beating myself up about this for myself and I really just want to help her so please someone give me advice. My girlfriend hates her body. How do I help her",Depression +16901,"Been feeling pretty bad lately. Called the suicide hotline a month or so ago. It kind of just stressed me out more really. I will not go to the hospital any more. They have documented my two more recent legitimate attempts as attention seeking and they do not believe me. I first attempted in 1996 and my dad did not believe there was anything wrong with me and did not acknowledge it until 2003 when I attempted again. I have been in therapy and on various meds since 2007. I am trying.Today my dad told me that the cop who responded when he found me in 2017 gave him information for how to help support suicide attempt survivors and he did not think it was important. I had no idea until today when he randomly told me. I feel some type of way about that. I do not know what. I do not like attention in general, but I also do not like feeling ignored. I have yet to find anything in between on this topic. I feel like my struggles are generally being dismissed in various ways by various people. I just want to feel heard. I want to feel like I matter for reasons other than for what I buy for someone or as a sexual object. I totally feel like an ATM dildo or dildo ATM. But for real I feel used and that is the only reason people want me around. I do not",Suicidal +16902,"I am tired of feeling alone, and I miss the way things were. I already feel so depleted and done with trying, and when next school year starts it is going to be hell. I spend so much time reminiscing of when I used to be happy, have friends, and motivation to get up in the morning. Now it is hard for me to have any social interactions and I feel so unlikable and boring. I used to have goals and reasons why I am putting all this work in, like dreams of a future career etc. But not anymore. I do not even know what I want to do in life. I am sick of all of this and I feel like it is all going to be downhill from here. The only reasons I have not tried to kill myself are that I am incredibly scared of death and if I live, I do not want to deal with the consequences/extra attention that will be given to me after the attempt. I am not good at anything, and I have no motivation to actually learn any skills/partake in any hobbies. I feel like I am going to live and die as a nobody. I also hated even writing this post because it feels like I am being so over the top and a crybaby. I am not actually at risk of killing myself, because I am too scared. I just did not really know where else to post this. I feel like the effort required to keep living is just not worth it anymore",Suicidal +16903,Everyday is like an ongoing battle inside my head and outside of it. Outside I am fighting to move and do things to properly and inside I am suffering from the past that still affects me. Some things that happened are worse than others. Some I can justify right away. Some I just cannot forget. Most of it I will never receive any closure for. Sucks to be me I guess. No matter what I do I keep thinking about the past,Depression +16904,but everything always go wrong. everyone in my family hates me. i have no friends. nobody believes in me (i hear that i dissapoint everyone almost everyday). i just want to end everything yknow.. but I am scared. I have had multiple attempts but i always lived. i do not want to live and everyone embarrassing me for suicide attempt (just like before)if you read can you please tell me that you believe in me and that i can do this and that everything will get better.I am sorry for asking that but i really want to cry and just let everything out and those words will make me free. i want to better myself and be happy,Suicidal +16905,"I have been looking for ways to kill myself. I know the most common ones but I consider that they are very painful (yeah, I am such a pussy) and I have chosen to take some medication.What are the most common drugs in suicides? I do not want to be here",Suicidal +16906,"I can stick with the easily observable truths, but I cannot shake the feeling that:-my partner and friends would be okay without me-my friends may already be moving on as though I am no longer there-I am stuck at this job that makes me miserable and I am consistently ashamed of- what I am working towards outside of the jobisn't good enough to get a position in that field-I am too old to be making mistakes or feeling the way I do-i do not feel I do many things right-complaining about it just feels like I am saying it just for attention or pity points-i may be lying to my therapist because I feel trapped -I do not want to be an inconvenience and I do not want to be alone. But I should be alone so I am not inconveniencing anyoneThis may be more of a rant, I guess, but I have depression and I do not know what to do anymore I am bordering on lying to my therapist and myself.",Depression +16907,I wake up so upset because I was hugging her and now I am not. I do not have the guts to kill myself but I would give anything to just hug her again My sister will not stop visiting me in my dreams,Suicidal +16908,"And coming from someone who is super introverted and that i usually find comfort in the extra time i have for myself, that is a lot. I literally have no friends, i was declined a scholarship overseas i had planned all year long (it was supposed to be my sweet escape-if i may call It like that) but apparently there were too many applicants. I grew up from strict parents who are extremely narcissistic and they literally told me that basically all people suck so you do not really need anyone else. Yes, that happened. So now, I am about to be 25 andI literally have nobody. I work a 9 to 4 job that does not pay well, and what kills me more is that my so called family only pretends to ""get me"". I am too sad to work out, too self aware of my unproductivity to watch any movies. I considered taking my own life but i do not want to die because i have so much more to give. However, i have been feeling extremely lonely, at work, at home, pretty much anywhere. You know when you want to post something on Instagram but you have absolutely nothing going on about your life and you are so overwhelmed you even look terrible? that is me. I feel atrociously lonely",Depression +16909,"I need help, I do not know where to turn. I just found out my boyfriend has been cheating, lying you name it. I trusted him with every fiber of my being. I love him more than words could possibly express and I am completely gutted. I have no where to go. No one to talk to. I am isolated, broke. I am in shock and cannot breathe. How do I do this? How could he do this? Just found out my bf of 10 years is cheating and gave me an STD. I have no where to turn. I am utterly broken and hopeless.",Suicidal +16910,I want to overdose. I just want to die. I just want to end things. What happens if I take 3 cetrizine? I took 2 last time and it gave me a nightmare. My life is already one so it did not scare me. What happens if I take 3 pills of 10 mg Cetrizine?,Suicidal +16911,"I do not know where to start, I am 22, no real friends, only a few girlfriends, but the last few years of my life I have felt so low, I keep trying to motivate myself to do things, like playing football, doing MMA for instance or just generally exercising, but when I am in the heat of the moment I just feel so lost and helpless. I do potter around with the devil's lettuce now and then but it helps me sleep at night or get through the day when my mind is in an overdrive of thoughts of what I should be doing with my life, what my peers are doing, how successful they are compared to me etc. I work alongside my dad so that does not help in pushing me along really, every time I see an opportunity I do not go for it like I should do I just go to work, sulk all day, come home and smoke weed till I fall asleep, that is no life for a 22 yo but it is the way it is and I cannot seem to break the cycle, I do appreciate that I have a loving family etc I just want to make them proud and be happy for once in my life . Any advice is greatly appreciated. Lost",Depression +16912,"I have realised the root because of the problem after countless hours of thinking and from now its only going to be a race to get ever better. I hope I come back to this subreddit to post that I am finally out of it in the coming months. I made and deleted 3 diff accounts to post here. I am finally going to get myself together because nobody else can :) I hope you all make it too and let us race to finish line!(ironic but had to say it lol) Would like to recommend a song to you all - Avicii ft Alunageorge - What would I change it to.Beautiful Verse- Losing is only a sign, a sign that you really really tried, really tried. Take care amigos, Godspeed! I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!",Depression +16913,"Just be the biggest piece of sh!t you can be. Leech off of everyone, and have absolutely no ambitions. Be a complete burden to everyone. Have absolutely no knowledge, just be a big giant f#ccboi/gurl.that is how you will succeed, and get by so well. Everyone else will take care of you, i promise. Pump out as many kids as you possibly can into this world, and raise them to be as big as a POS as you.I reiterate, be as big as a piece of sh!t, as you possibly can be. **Someone like me** will be forced to sacrifice their life to make up for your mistakes. They will then get tired, and take their own life (you may be at risk too, but you will have lived an easy-breezy life so lolz yolo, right?), and then other pieces of sh!t will continue to improve their life while they leech.&#x200B;DO NOT TRY ANY MORE. it is clearly the only way to get by mentally healthy. F#ck what your parents taught you, and what life has taught you. JUST BE ABSOLUTE TRASH, and I promise, life will reward you for some reason. If you are looking for a way out, here it is. Disrespect EVERYTHING around you, and it gets better. because that makes sense. I swear, it works. goodbye world.&#x200B;cannot wait for this to be deleted :D Do NOT try for this world.",Suicidal +16914,I just do not know what to do anymore I need someone to talk to ; (,Depression +16915,"I am curious if there are people who went trough a similar experience. I also sometimes wonder if behind some of the our of blue self inflicted deaths stands a similar urge.I will be try to make it as tight as possible..I was in my mid twenties, married and traveling the eastern hemisphere with stops here and there while doing photography. Happy life, care free, lots of fun.One morning I woke in our small appart in Sidney, my husband has already left for some work (he was /is photographer as well).A quiet, fairly normal morning. I do not remember if I took a coffee first or went directly under the shower , but when showering I felt a monstrously strong, sudden and above all never felt before desire to grab the razor on the nearby sink and cut my veins. A bit of prehistory as I would like to give a bit more in depth of my previous life. Beautiful and calm childhood. Loving and understanding parents and sibling. Adventurous , but successful early adulthood. Working and enjoying the profession I have still till. A unpleasant encounter with an abusive boyfriend four or more years ago constitute the biggest crise i have ever been trough and while I do not underestimate subsequent PTSD , i had more then enough time and help time to get over it. I have never before have been depressed, suicidal. At the time the vent happened, I was in my usual good mood, with great energy and excitement for the future. Working on some really good images if I remember well..Till today I cannot figure out how that came.Standing under the shower and feeling like I am possessed. I fought hard. I knew it was not real. But God, it was wildly strong. I remember a strange, almost metal like taste in my mouth. I stopped the shower and went in front of the mirror and I started slapping my self. Strong. It took some minutes before the urge started to dissipate. After I felt stabilized , I dressed and went out, walked from the sunny street to a nearby shop and bought my first Snickers . For some reason I have never had one previously , not being a big one on peanuts. It tasted like heaven.The feeling gone I went to the lab where my husband was printing his work and told him the story , he was a bit shocked , but I do not think he got truly what happened. For quite a while I was afraid that the urge might hit me again. It never did. But it took years of self observation at the slightest reminder, taste or else. Now, I wonder if this urge had happened to me at more dark moment. Would I have had the strength to resist? Much later in life , when sharing that moment with very close friend, he told me a story. A friend of his, a middle aged woman was visiting a new apartment to buy and when entering in the salon she felt an insane desire to hang herself from the ceiling lustre(lampes). She was beyond herself with fear after that as it was so strong that she barely contained herself.Could that be an explanation of sudden suicides ? The ones in which a person is happy hours before taking his/her life?What was it? Why did it hit me? Why at that precise moment? Like a mental virus ,externalor encoded in our brain and psychics, biding its time..If anyone who has been trough similar experience and you feel like sharing, you are more then welcome. Thanks for reading Totally unexpected desire to kill my self with no warning. Had to fight it for 15mn before it went. It happen 22 years ago and never came back.",Suicidal +16916,"I am really confused serious I am tbh I do not what should I say because its very hard to me speak about I am a liar in my familyI do not how I develop this, at least this what I have been told by peopleI am having family issue due to this I guess it has affected me my mom is very over protective about me and she has her reasons too since childhood, I was never allowed to go out to play I was always stayed inside during childhood, my step dad and mom always fight very badly and i hate it and we lived in small studio apartment and my family was about 6because stress I self harm myself but elder sis was like oh did you do it from trend na ( in my school girls cut their hand after arguing with their bf for attention and I did not have bf that time I did not knew that time it was something like this I thought they were serious )even after years my sis still asks oh did you do it for trendthese are few things from other things but I did not typed allI have no strength to type now but I really want to know what is wrong with meI develop this trust issue and my sis and everyone says y are you like this there is nothing you to worry about your mom loves you she spend money on youyes ,my mom loves me I love my mom but I am really scared of her but my emotionsI had failed and bad relationship and toxic one too and I was bullied too in that its my fault tooas time passed I have developed feelingthat I do not want to live I am basically survivingthat what I am feeling right now and from few yearsI do not if I want to get it fixed/ cure or just want to dieI did not told anyone about my suicidal and the fact I still self harm but its not that serious except my sis I love my sis she is my second mom she told me to go out try to get those negative out of mind somehow try to do shopping try to do things that makes me happyyah but noting affecting me then there is point like oh I am fine I should not have depression coz I got everything I am faking it I am a loser if I want to I can just die now but I am not died and you have to just survive its simpleand I have urge to isolate myself from all my family friends my fav ppl I feel like evryone would leave me so I should leave firstand I do not care about after effect if I died I love my family and especially my sis, I would die for herbut if someone said thinking about your family if you do this, its will not affect me coz I think my existence is not that important and eventually they would move on Ps. English is not my first languageIf you see grammar error pls ignore it Am I faking it or I need help?",Depression +16917,music is boring. video games are boring. rides are fun but not what they used to be. even pornography is boring at this point. take me back to a time where i was happy with less. nowadays I need so much just to feel any form of happiness. every thing is so darn stale,Depression +16918,"Hi, I am new here and this is my first post. A lack of human connection+ crippling depression+ a series of unfortunate events have lead me to write this. I do not know what I want, some empathy, a community maybe. Anyway, TRIGGER WARNING, the post mentions blood/injuries/suicide.I have had depression for as long as i can recall, but for the last few months it has intensified and trapped me in ways i cannot explain. I was doing well, i had a self care routine that worked somewhat, but over the past few months things just went haywire. My mother- (with whom i have a v complicated relationship) had a pretty bad injury, then another and then another. So now I live in constant fear of hearing my dad shout my name from.the other room only to rush into the room to find my mother lying a pool of blood, again. For the third time. My stomach drops and heart starts pounding. The same old ensues again. They rush to the hospital I clean the mess up. I am tired of scrubbing blood. At this point I have stopped telling my friends oh it happened again because idk I do not think they would understand what cleaning up ur mother's blood does to a person. I still do not grasp it fully, I am just numb atm. 2 days ago i was withering in my bed for a solid 2 hours pleading god to kill me. That did not work.I dread taking showers because every single time I so much so as touch my hair it falls in clusters. Weekly hair wash days are crucial so I go through w them but afterwards left w a sense of loss and major despair. I keep telling myself its OK everything will be okay, everything has to be okay but I do not know reallyI've got a major exam coming up, in less than a month! I get constant brain fog plus all this stress. My head hurts. I am so so heavy A crisis",Depression +16919,"why you are either slaves to science or religion eventually one will steal you from the other and keep you there and then eventually set you free but the minute you think you are free, you enter another reality of control where you get slowly leeched from and then eaten away only for the whole cycle to restart all over again. If you do find freedom, they will rape the shit out of you until you beg for mercy to stop and move on...All thanks to the computer.We are slaves to fucking religion especially the shitty catholics that own youtube and no wonder they got rid of do not be evil as their moto.Big sister is watching...But if you do get last, they will ensure to destroy everything about you to leave you all alone. why you are either slaves to science or religion eventually one will steal you from the other and keep you there and then eventually set you free",Depression +16920,All I can do to cope with everything is fantasize about how I will kill myself. How I will position the noose in such a way that there is a perfect crack of my neck. How my mind will finally be calm after I have no consciousness. I even researched the optimal thickness and material of ropes for hanging yourself. Almost funny how I might be an expert on different ways to kill yourself after spending so long researching. I keep on looking at ropes available for online delivery (TW for violent language),Depression +16921,"Hello, I am a young-adult man in his early 20's. I struggle a whole lot with circumcision and have done so for years and years. I struggle with hate and desire to hurt doctors who perform it and religious people who keep it legal. No one understands it and explaining the damages of it leaves people in denial. I wish I could love others, but this among other things leaves my blood boiling. Irreversible sexual violence was committed against me in the first couple of days of my life and I do not know if I will ever get over it.One thing that really gets me down is that people on here do not seem to find any solutions to this issue, they just confirm the despair of others posting on here. it is almost like suicide is a rational solution to a problem unlike what everyone stresses. But honestly, if I was honestly wanting to commit suicide, I would not be posting online about it. I want SOLUTIONS, but I am almost convinced there is NONE. Thank you Kellogg, thank you American medical system, thank you religious Jews, and thank you Muslims for making this happen. It could not have been done without you. Circumcision",Suicidal +16922,"Yesterday was probably the scariest day of my life. My s/o nearly killed herself and I had to beg her and do everything I could to stop her but I promised her I would not stop her if she ever got to this point in life again. I am scared this might happen again and I do not want to see it. Only reason I am still here is bc of her so if she leaves, I do not have a reason to stay either. Might as well just do it sooner so I do not have to witness hers. I need some advice on what to do bc I am genuinely lost. I cannot fucking take this shit anymore, idk what to do",Depression +16923,"I get nostalgic when thinking of when I was depressed and into dark things so I start over again. I actually feel at my best when I am depressed and more confident which is weird so I do not know if it is normal or not. I would rather stay like this than be happy because I feel like when I am actually happy in my life, my feelings are all bottled up and I feel stiff but when I am depressed, I feel totally at peace and a sense of calmness. Like I am truly myself. This probably makes no sense but I thought it was somewhat weird? Why do I miss the feeling of depression?",Depression +16924,"I am scared that if i cut myself, it would not be that deep and that I would wake up in a hospital. I do not want that. I am scared",Suicidal +16925,"is not that the saying? Or at least some form of it ? Being in the middle of life ans trying to make friends or relationships seems to be my perfect hell. No matter what strategy or style I try, it fails . My life this past month has been nothing but a spiraling out of hell from my mothers cancer diagnosis to my grandmothers passing, nothing seems to work out . I get that everything happens for a reason, but why do some of us get the short stick every time ? It just make me want to give up on trying . Trying for a better love , a better life , a better outcome . I know that is not how I was raised but, something has to give .were born alone and we die alone so why keep with the waiting game and just do it now ? I know this is an empty plea, but would someone give me a reason not to ? Were born alone , we die alone",Depression +16926,"Lately I have been feeling lonely due to the fact that I do not have any real friends, those with whom you can tell them how you feel and they will come for you to see you or ask you out, They even ask how you are because they really care about you. I honestly do not remember what it is to have a good friend for a long time, being honest I think I never really had one. Loneliness",Depression +16927,I do not believe I will ever do it but I wrote a note for some reason and it terrifies me. Just a few hours ago I was having a panic attack when I grabbed a rope and tied it around my neck till I could not breathe. I wrote a suicide note yeaterday,Suicidal +16928,"If yes, what? And how is your experience with it? Do you guys take anti-depressant?",Depression +16929,"I do not do shit anyway, I just lie in bed all day trying to find something to watch to keep me distracted from all the pain. I have no motivation to eat or do anything basically. have lost everything good I have ever had in my life and there is no going back. But still I cannot find the courage to just end it all, even though it seems so peaceful. What a joke of a life. I wish I was strong enough to end it",Suicidal +16930,Woke up againAnother day that I have to survive Every night I wish that I would die in my sleep and every morning I weak up disappointed Just woke up and have to survive another day,Suicidal +16931,They are going to haye me so much. I am 25 but the minute I come out I am going to lose them. that is okay it is not like I wanted people to support and love me anyway I am trans and I cannot wait to be disowned by my parents.,Suicidal +16932,I know that is terrible. I do not think anyone should have to feel this way. But I am just the typical idiot defective loser with nothing going for itself so I feel like I deserve it anyway Is it bad that I wish I could be one of those super put together people who still want to die,Suicidal +16933,"I find it hard to go on anymore I literally cannot sleep anymore my mind races, I thought money could solve my problems but it has not been working. My 12 year old nephew has a brain tumor. My mom is losing her mind from old age my dad is on dialysis. My sister cannot afford her mortgage. I am alone most of the day I am to fucked up to work I have panic attacks mid day I chain smoke like crazy and I feel like my life is meaningless. I tried to follow my dreams but it just is not as inspiring as I thought nothing really excites meeting new people seems like a chore. I have no idea but I am really driven on giving up. I have literally lost the will to live. Lost all will to live",Depression +16934,"Recently I have been the lowest I have ever been and as a result, I have been thinking a lot. I have realized something. I will literally never be okay. Because I do not want to get better. Recovery seems exhausting, and after all the shit I have been through, I am just too tired to go down that road. I have no energy. This is the end for me. ill never be okay",Suicidal +16935,"I am so utterly miserable i cannot help but see the world in black & white and how miserable the rest of society is around me, nothing is appealing about the 9-5 suburban lifestyle, there is no way anybody actually wants this right? we just settle for it because were convinced that is the only way to make it in this world. i hold onto this little bit of hope that ill get out of the cycle and live the life i want to at some point but i fear until then ill never find satisfaction or an appeal to living. life is fucking short and its a hard thing to accept once you realize it, I am constantly chasing after time. if i do not make it out of here by 30 i genuinely do not see myself continuing to stay alive. this is impossible",Depression +16936,"Having had 0 relationships, balding at age 21 and unemployed for quite a while, I feel as if my life is going to waste and I have lived long enough. I feel so old..",Depression +16937,"I am ashamed to actually speak to someone about it. But it seems like everyday its getting worse, sometimes I am just disgusted with how i look. I have a therapist but i guess I am ashamed to tell her. Feelings insecure about how you look is very very hard to deal with. It keeps me in bed & sometimes from going out. I hate looking at myself now in the mirror. I be wanting to just breakdown sometimes. I put on this front like i love myself & i think so highly of my appearance but deep deep down inside i hate the way i look, I am disgusted with myself & it hurts. I just want to be naturally beautiful. - 3:38 am I realized I am very insecure",Depression +16938,like signs in the universe ?? repeated words and phrases and scenarios. I am scared but also i do not know what to do seeing omens that i might die soon?,Depression +16939,"Before, I could still do things, like watching a film, writing a song, play video games, going for a walk, study a bit, work out. Now? With the insomnia I have, and the anxiety, i do not know anymore how to get at the end of the day. it is morning now, and I would just like to skip to I do not even know when or where. I can only write posts on reddit because I feel I do not have people to talk/I do not want to be a burden. I am sitting on the bed watching the ceiling, I do not know how to pass time and everything seems so difficult. And I think my family is underestimating my mental state. With this anxiety, and considering how tired I am, nothing is enjoyable anymore. I want to die I think I am not a functional depressed anymore and I am just a depressed as shit",Depression +16940,"Yesterday bought cieling spotlights for 200 EUR, today they have 15% off. It hurts! I feel very sad!",Depression +16941,"See I have attempted 3 times already in ERs all that shit but at this point I have been through treatment for past 1.5 yrs and all of a sudden feel extremely likely for SH or SI. I have trauma related problems in my psychy and I have low confidence when it comes to women and I constantly put myself out there and work hard for them, ill take them out to lunch and stuff just for them to tell me how they like this guy as if I am some sort of friend. I make myself clear but they oblivious. So I have been around for a minute. I have seen the dumbasses lose v cards and shit and I am still hanging here. Just turned 17 and my life is fucked. I have a fucked up brain that makes it so I cannot relate to people. Sorry. But yeah I just have noone to talk to and everytime this has happened to me. Never lucky. Either way i started using drugs again and that is prolly not helping. I am Feeling Suicidal Again",Suicidal +16942,"there is no where but down from here. I am just sitting, waiting for something to happen, but I know that I have already missed the opportunities and cannot go back. there is nothing more I can do to improve my life, I do not find anything interesting anymore and i do not have anything worth living for. The things I had to live for are gone because I was stupid enough to throw away those opportunities. I really do not have anything left except daydreaming about what my life could have been. I have hit a dead end",Suicidal +16943,it is the type of tired that sleep cannot fix. i have been an alcoholic at age 20 for half a year straight.i used to be so much better but life beat the absolute fuck out of me.i hope to quickly move onto my next chapter in life where i start to rehabilitate myself. it is bound to happen no matter what.there is no way i will be stuck in this dark place forever.but it hurts. it hurts a lot still.<3 i am writing this to this to the ones who sit in very dark rooms. to the ones with no energy to take care of yourself and your priorities.we will find the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.we have to <3 i am so tired of being tired,Depression +16944,I got into a car crash and proceeds to go to a party where the only girl was me and then Hooked up w my best guy friend there. I woke up to him touching me.. I am sure I did consent when I was drunk but it still horrified me. I am on birth control but what if he yanno? Like?? Its eating me. I do not even know what happened. Hooked up w someone black our drunk,Suicidal +16945,I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be alright. I am giving my all right now this just does not seem to be enough. I just need some positivity everything that is happy even if it is in your own life Tell me please,Depression +16946,I just want to get high forever. I am a she will of a person. Fuck this shit,Depression +16947,"this post might be kind of vent-y and a ramble but I will start by saying that i understand depression. i have bipolar ii and struggle as well, but with medication and therapy i manage it. my girlfriend, however, has been battling depression for years and has some days where she barely gets out of bed. she cries a lot and i can tell she is stressed and in pain but i do not know what i can do. she is iffy about going to therapy and she does take lexapro, but i sometimes wonder if that makes her feel more tired as a side effect. she told me she feels like she does not have the energy to get better. i love her so much and i just want to help as much as i can without her feeling guilty about it. i know that i cannot fix everything, but i would like to make life a bit easier on her. we are going to move in together soon and i think that could create more opportunities for me to help out. if anyone has any suggestions i would appreciate hearing them! what can i do for my depressed gf?",Depression +16948,I do not think I really can afford professional help or medication but I was wondering if one day I could feel hopeful like if one day I can save up enough and something-anything can make my brain not make me feel like absolute shit and I can feel somewhat peaceful? I am not expecting a one time fix I know it does not work like that and I am aware anti dep do not make you cheery all of a sudden but even if it just makes the hopeless heavy feeling on my chest feel somewhat alleviated Does medication help?!,Depression +16949,"I am just starting off as a nurse on a psychiatry mental health unit and I wanted to reach out and hear about the experiences of anyone admitted to units like this in the past. What are things your nurses did that you really appreciated? what did you wish your nurses cared more about/payed more attention too? looking back, how could have your health care team, especially the nurses, better cared for you? Any tips or advice from your experiences as a patient to someone like myself? Thanks loves Mental health worker, trying to become better at my job.",Depression +16950,"Everyday I get up and go to work, I shove food into my face and shower, I have no love for anything in my daily life, I hate everything and if I had the choice I would end it tomorrow... but there is this girl she is black and I am a whitie she does not shave, does what she wants, wakes me up at odd hours because she has to go to the bathroom, will straight up be an intolerable bitch unless I give her treats on specific occasions or take her on specific trips. Because she has been here as my best friend for 13 years and she is growing old, she is a constant reminder of the time I wished to kill myself even on the worst days she is there, panting and pawing at me, she will slap me to make room for her while sleeping, she will bully me into walks and into playing with her favorite toys, 13 years ago I promised myself I would live for her... and today I am scared of the future that is to come.. I have buried many animals in the dirt. I have buried my best of friends... but through it all she was there for me. I do not know how I will feel when it is finally my time to put her on her favorite hill. Today I am not a man, but a child scared of the what has to be and not what might be. I only have one reason to live my best life",Depression +16951,"I am a 24 yo guy living in extreme comfort, where there is more than i need and everything i want is available. I recently started feeling utter depressed for literally no obvious reason, suddenly i started hating my life which many people wish they had, and nothing could please me or cheer me up anymore. I have been in a terrible situation where my mind is overthinking about everything and it cannot reach any answer nor a solution. The only thing i found could be the lack of ambition and goal, but I have always been like that, and I am in no need for more than i have. I feel so sad and awful about myself and everything around me, and i hate it because i cannot get rid of it. If there is someone who can help, please do. A no answer depression?",Depression +16952,"do you actually believe death is better than living? do you actually believe that the life after death, would be better than the one you have now? what if it is not? do not kill yourself just for the sake of running away. embrace death, death is not a bad thingdeath can mean peace however, it is also an endan end to the life you have now, and if things are worse in the afterlifeyou cannot turn back&#x200B;maybe only kill yourself when you find out the true meaning of what death is to you killing yourself will not solve your problems, however, it at least has some meaning",Suicidal +16953,I have a box of pills and I am really thinking about taking at least a tray of them when my parents are asleep Planning to end it tonight,Suicidal +16954,"Hey you all. I just discharged from the psych unit today after about 4 days of voluntary hold. it is hard to sum the experience up fully, but to put it simply, it was beautiful. I met some amazing people who were struggling right along side me. These people will forever precious to me. I was prescribed medication and I am feeling a bit better already (going through the weird/getting-used-to-it phase). Overall I feel that the visit gave me a new perspective and a renewed desire to live. To anyone feeling like they are at the end of what they have, do not be afraid to reach out for help. We can get through this tunnel together. Your life is precious and honestly it is worth a trip to the ER if you are feeling ready to give up. There is hope, and there are people who care about you and want to help you. Please do not be afraid of getting help. Thank you guys for always being there throughout these years, shit has been rough but I feel like I am finally on the path to crawling my way out of this. A small spark of hope",Depression +16955,"I am just starting off as a nurse on a psychiatry mental health unit and I wanted to reach out and hear about the experiences of anyone admitted to units like this in the past. What are things your nurses did that you really appreciated? what did you wish you nurses cared more about/payed more attention too? looking back, how could have your health care team, especially the nurses, better cared for you? Any tips or advice from your experiences as a patient to someone like myself? Thanks loves Psych nurse here, trying to actually care for my patients.",Suicidal +16956,"I am done with this life, I am going to the beach later tonight and watch the sunrise one last time and then go in the water and drown myself. I am going to drown myself",Suicidal +16957,"Hello, I am new to this sub. Mental health is not really a big thing in our country and due to the pandemic, I am not really able to get help. I have been trying to understand whether this feeling I have is normal or is it like people say depression is because my understanding of depression is not so good. Lately, I have been feeling nothing. I am not sad, I am not suicidal but at the same time, I do not look forward to anything. I feel like if I could explain it in a diagram, its kind of like my heart and mind feels empty instead of how kids usually draw the heart colored with red. Its just plain emptiness. Sometimes this emptiness makes me feel like I am tired to do anything. I do not want to do anything. All I want to do is be in my bed. Play with my phone and do nothing. Because of how I feel like nothing, I do nothing. I also do not feel sad. Does anyone know how I can overcome this empty feeling? Is it normal to not feel anything at all?",Depression +16958,"All i have is suicidal plans, i wish if i have a caring friends or gf or family. Morning suicidal thoughts are killing me, i cannot think or be happy",Suicidal +16959,"I did not think that talking to people was that hard and I was pretty good at it, but for the last two or three years its been impossible.Every time I talk to people I always feel super uncomfortable and kill the conversation. I have to be really bad because my friends do not talk to me unless I message first. IDK what to do anymore, I cannot handle working with people and my Doctor keeps canceling my appointments the day of. I hate making people uncomfortable and that is all I feel like I do. I want to just lock my door and never come out. How do you talk to people?",Depression +16960,"Been feeling pretty down lately, I have had a pretty shit past and for the last 6 years I barley remembered any of it, I think that was my way of copeying. But lately it is all been coming back to be in bits. Now I have been trying to put it all back together but it is taking a massive toll. Chat to someone",Depression +16961,"Five years relationship and I have felt alone.I shook it away everytime as something I just felt because of my depression and previous relationships.Turns out he lied about wanting to get married and have a family.5 years of relationship.He also talks to some girl and never mentions me, like ""going to visit friends and family"", instead of ""going to my GF"".Last night I found it all out...And he said some very hurtful things...Like my autism being his issue, my ""abilities"", and also that he thought he wanted to marry me but realised he do not; 3 years ago.Yet he kept saying he would when I finally confronted him before.Now it changed because I saw a message he sent to that girl. Where he said he NEVER wants to get married, even including a ""hell no""....How I saw the message? His FB was logged on and the message history was up..I feel like absolute shit right now...I want to throw him out... he is still in my apartment visiting for yet another week supposedly, but I feel really horrible and idk what to do....It never ends...Always just gets worse...Idk why I even bother trying anymore with ""life""... He lied.",Depression +16962,"Our company just got a new business partner who throws grown adult tantrums. Very unprofessional. And so is his assistant. I am a lot younger than them and I am a woman. Any solution I come up with, he does not bother to compromise. He flat out says ""I do not want this! No I am not doing that. Why are you doing this?"" He changes the terms of the contract without notice and expects us to bow down to every request. They also ask condescending questions to me. However, they are respectful to the owner. I only respond nicely with solutions and alternatives. I have never really really responded back in the same manner. I do not know what to do but every time I get an email from them, it ruins my day. Yes I should have thicker skin but I feel like lines and boundaries are being crossed. How do you guys stay sane with people who are reluctant to change despite their operations is a shit show? I cannot help them anymore at this point and I may explode. dealing with unprofessional people",Depression +16963,"I (17M) cannot keep fighting I have been fighting for a long time I do not remember how long I have been having my problems, but I simply cannot hold on anymore.Today for the first day in 17 years my alcoholic father threatened to hit me just because I told Kim that nobody could stand being around him when he was drunk and that he should be an adult for the first time in his life and change that.I cannot describe how awful I feel after hearing him call me an idiot several times and threatening me.I have always felt that I am a disappointment to everyone, specially him.He always called me useless, idiot, lazy and many other things, and it always felt like I was the son he never wanted, but what happened today simply makes me want to run away, or end it all.I also feel like I disappoint my mother, specially when talking about school; ever since my depression started I have struggled to concentrate and work in even those subjects I like, and every time we talk about high-school I feel like a burden, a disappointment, just because I am not the ""gifted child"" they were used to.My sister is another problem, sometimes it feels like everything is alright, but others she treats me like I annoy her, like she does not care about me.Another problem I have is that I feel like I do not belong anywhere, not even with those friends I consider my brothers from other mothers; and even though I have gone through several groups of friends I never manage to feel like I belong, like they truly care or even like me.I just feel so alone, so lost, I want this pain to end, I want to stop feeling like a burden to everyone else.Every time I have the knife in my hands I cannot bring myself to end everything, I just cut my arms and swallow the pain; today it was different, not even the cuts helped me to deal with the pain, no matter how many times I did it, or how deep they were, the feeling just did not go away.I really want to push the blade through my chest, or simply slash my veins, but I am afraid, afraid of what is next, afraid of hurting my mom and my sister, afraid of leaving them alone with my stupid father. I just cannot get enough courage to do it.Sorry for bad English, it is not my native language and feeling this way does not help with writingI just needed to get that out of my chest, so.. thanks for listening kind strangers I cannot go on anymore",Suicidal +16964,"I am a male and my birthday is coming up soon in August and whenever my birthday approaches I get extremely depressed because I have nothing to show. I have struggled with depression/social anxiety since I was 11. I have had no friends & no dating experience. Just been alone all my life.At 28yrs old I can finally say I have been making big steps to changing my life. I finally have a best friend, finally been on dates and I finally have been taking risks daily to bettering my mental health and career goals.Today I had a good day until my sister called me to tell me I am a ""piece of shit"" and how my mother is getting older and I am not working or paying at least one of her bills. My brother on his daughters birthday decided to cuss me out just because I was talking about how proud I am of becoming more social and he snapped at me about the same thing when I was the one that had to fund his daughter's birthday party. I also have helped my sister many times with money(savings) while I am unemployed.I broke down and cried today for the first time in a decade because I have talked to them many times about how I want to help our mother out badly and even had numerous of job interviews coming in but yet they still want to beat me down when I am trying my best.I also want to add if I was not depressed they would not have me to lean on whenever they want to go out and leave their kids on me all the time.I do not know what to do I have been tolerating the disrespect just to help get me out of the house and go out with them but now I am done with them and have no one to hang out with. My Siblings Make Me Often Think About Suicide",Depression +16965,I am spiraling and I am looking for someone to comfort me... I am in a really dark place,Depression +16966,"I have never wanted to kill myself as much as I do right now lmfao. its just the thought of having to live this fucking life for another 50/70years if I am lucky. another 50 fucking years working and coming home with nothing to really look forward to. I am 16 years old, turning 17 in a couple months and i do not really think I want to continue with my life. I do not have anyone to talk to, my parents will not legitimately help, my sisters cannot relate to me, my friends always turn the conversation around to talking about them instead? all the time. I am at my worst mental state I have been in, in a while and I cannot seem to open up to anyone about it and if I try to it gets dismissed or ignored and made into advice for them. its been like that for a while, and I am just tired of bubbling up everything. I am tired of getting up every morning to feed the dogs I did not want. I am tired of trying to meet my parents unreachable standards. I am tired of living under my sisters shadows. I am tired of my parents making me seem like a fucking angel compared to them when its the other way around and they fucking know it. I am tired of knowing how bad I am. I am tired of being aware of Every. Single. One. Of my Fucking flaws. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what I have to wake up to. I am tired of hating every single inch of my body. I am tired of feeling emotions that hurt me. That have hurt me. I am tired of feeling like I am crazy when I try to bring up any kind of childhood trauma to my parents or family. I am tired of being so aware of my fucking greediness, my horrible attitude with everyone, how fucking annoying I am with everyone at work or at any family gatherings. I am tired of being only used for sex. I am so so so tired of knowing how fucking ugly I am lmfao, knowing how fat I am, knowing how much I want to change but will not because I am too much of a lazy sack of shit as my mom phrases it so sweetly lol. I am tired of feeling insecure all the fucking time because all of the other girls at work are so much more prettier than I am, and so much more skilled. I always feel like they are friends with me because they feel bad for me lmfao. I am tired of knowing I am never going to get into a relationship with anyone because I am not attractive enough and I have commitment issues. I hate myself so much. I hate how I am. How I act. And most of all I hate that I have not killed myself yet. which hopefully soon. I am not okay lol",Suicidal +16967,"I turn 26 today. And I have just had enough. I have a bottle of 1000 ibuprofen tablets that I am anxious to take but I am scared it will not kill me. How sick is that, that I am more afraid of living through it than dying. I have been scouring the internet for days looking for success stories and there are not as many as I would like there to be. I never thought this would be me. I hate who I have become. Todays my birthday and I want to die",Suicidal +16968,I wonder what would happen I could just drive this car off a bridge,Suicidal +16969,"I am sick of everything, just want to switch the button off on the game of life. Life did not get better, for years on end. Fuck it. I just want to die at this point..can someone talk to me?",Suicidal +16970,"my bestfriend means the world to me, he has been there at my worst and always had my back. I gave him the highest priority, before me, my fam, my everything and every small thing he does unintentionally now, HURTS. I spoke up to him and asked him to man up and leave a proper goodbye and instead, he stayed and took the blame. He worked things out between us, it feels he is too good for me and he deserves a lot more better than me. My insecurities keep acting every now and then, people think am in love with him lmao but no, i just care too much. The gut feeling that he will leave too, that am not enough for him and seeing him getting closer to his new friends each time makes me want to believe that gut feeling more which i do not want to. He is the one am overthinking about each time and any day, i will always choose him. At the end of the day i just want him by my side :""). it is funny how my happiness depends on him because HE IS MY HAPPINESS. This guy got some influence on me which i make it seem negative but somewhere he is why am holding on to my life. He makes me weak, he is my weakness. Idek what to do lol but what i know is am never leaving him i have relationship issues even without being in one",Depression +16971,"I just sit here everyday. Doing nothing. Accomplishing nothing. By the time its 1 AM or 4 AM, I am in bed crying wondering why I am still alive and scrolling to find some aid on assisted suicide. I have tried suicide hotlines, but they never seem to be able to help me. I have had someone hang up on me before. It was after my father snapped at me and called me ugly that I started questioning whether or not I deserved to live. Everyday he would degrade how I look. I was already aware of it. My teeth are rotten, I have a gap in the middle of my teeth, I am obese, have skin illnesses causing it to look disgusting and wrinkly, and my skin tone is dark meaning I am already ugly to many. Being ugly is just a death sentence/I wish my facade of ""I do not care what people think about me"" was true, but it was not.I have been having other health issues, but I cannot afford to go to a doctor or get therapy. I have anxiety every single day. I cannot ever sleep because recurring nightmares. When I need to take medication, I cannot even take a single pill because my gag reflexes and anxiety. Pretty sure I also have undiagnosed ADHD. I want to go to the doctor, but I fear just being forced to take pills or medicine.My parents get mad at me for not being able to do anything because of my crippling depression, but my agoraphobia is extreme. I never want to go outside. I never want anybody to see me. I feel ashamed at my parents just looking at me. I hate my body and everything about it. I barely take care of my body anymore because of the hate I have for it.If I could say one accomplishment, it would be that I finished college with bachelors of fine arts, but I am getting nowhere in my life. I used to be able to do so many illustrations for clients, but I have not been able to focus or motivate myself and it is causing me extreme distress. I am in so much debt on work I owe for my clients, but I just cannot complete them no matter how hard I try. I tried recently applying for my dream job and I also managed to get it, but I was laid off in a few days because my boss wanted to go travel the world instead of work. I am still stuck in crippling student debt from this with no way of paying it backAll of this just tells me that I am a failure as a human being. My parents constantly tell me that. My sister does not even talk to me anymore and we used to be so close. I used to have friends irl but they just stopped talking to me after college. I tried to ask someone for help saying I am suicidal and lost and all they said was ""mmm okay?"" I lost hope in them. It just feels like nobody cares about me and I do not want to be a waste of space anymore. My body is dying and I see no hope of me improving anytime soon. I still have dreams and wishes, but life does not want me here. I do not know what to do. I want my work ethics back. I want to be healthy. I want to feel like I belong, but it is so hard. I have wishes and dreams, but life does not want me here.",Suicidal +16972,"I irreparably damaged a relationship with a friend of mine by saying a lot of stupid controversial shit. I am not proud of what I said and its undeniably awful, and I will not be sharing it, but it came from a lotta angst I had been bottling up for the last several months. I honestly do not care too much about the relationship but I am disturbed that I said this shit and hurt my former friend like that. My shit mental health is not an excuse for basically abusing someone like that. What I did was pathetic and I rightly despise myself for it. I am sick and tired of people putting up with my dumbass all the time I wish they would just wisen up and tell me to hang myself or something, maybe then I could get the balls to actually end it. Said some stuff",Depression +16973,"i FEEL EXTREMELY HAPPY RIGHT NOW, STARTING TODAY I am GOING TO STOP WASTING MY TIME AND START PUTTING MY FULL EFFORTS IN SCHOOL AND MY PERSONAL LIFELIFE IS GREATI HOPE EVERYONE NOTHING BUT THE BEST. ILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU GUYS IF YOU NEED MEI LOVE YOU ALL SUDDENLY MOTIVATED",Suicidal +16974,"So I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while now, and even attempted to in April. Unfortunately I was never seen. My friends were worried about me and offered to help. Unfortunately I have been too burdensome the past few months, and eventually I had a really bad mental break. And now one of them is not talking to me. (I lashed out in a bad moment). Luckily I did get seen this time in the ER, and had a stay in the psych ward. I got to talk about things and I found some meds that help me stay calm. Staying calm was not something I was capable of before, even if I was really good at hiding it. I am really struggling with how I hurt my friends. I feel like shit. I did not realise how well I was doing before the mental break. I want my friend back, and I want to apologise. I can barely focus on anything else right now. I hate myself a LOT right now. I messed up",Depression +16975,"i was born with an abusive dad that raped my mom and would physically and mentally abuse 3 babies. he died when i was 2. my step dad was the same, got 2 weeks in jail, but my mom just ""wanted us to have a dad"", when i was 8, i was told that i was born with HIV, ruining my career and backup plan of becoming a pilot or joining the military and destroying me mentally. my mom got into alcohol to the point that we got taken away to a foster home and parents 3 different times for months. 3rd dad did nothing all the time, 4th dad was gay (cheated on my mom with a man)... 5th dad was a drug addict that would say we broke everything and stole everything, when it was just his paranoia. my mom is back on alcohol, to the point that she got abusive, when i called the police and pushed her in self defence, hurting her already damaged back. i have extreme social anxiety and have 1 friend that is so immature that i cannot go to him for help. my mom keeps on going back to when i called the police, making me drift from her, meaning i have nobody. fuck my life, might go kill myself. goodbye if i do. Where do i begin...",Suicidal +16976,Is there a difference between suicidal thoughts and wanting to be dead? what is more serious Just wondering,Depression +16977,How many liters would it take? 2? I am keeping antifreeze around for when I cannot take it anymore.,Suicidal +16978,"And every time the happier i feel, the sadder i feel after. I hate feeling happy. It feels foreign.",Depression +16979,"Lifes been hard lately. I struggle to leave my house because of my ptsd and extreme social anxiety. At times I even wonder if I am bipolar. I usually slit my wrists out of anger then a wave of sadness usually appears soon after that.I can tell my parents care about me. they have been asking things like, what do you want to do for ur birthday, or what do you want for ur birthday, but they fail to realize that my birthday is the least of my problems. I just want help, I really just want to be a normal kid with decent social skills. They seem to care about everything except my mental health. I keep asking them for help but they usually just ignore me. I know I am not going to kill myself. I really do not have the balls.I hope I figure everything out and i hope anyone reading this does as well. Its my birthday and I really do not care.",Suicidal +16980,Other people had serotonin this whole time? Damn lmao Jyst realized what we feel is not normal,Depression +16981,"So I, 18F want to go to Columbia. I fucked up my high school chances. I went to the best school in my state and could not fucking get it together. I could not focus, was always procrastinating, could not find any real joy. Got admitted to a mental hospital, and then transferred my senior year. It was awful. I felt so out of place. The work was not hard to understand, i just could not get in the right headspace to do it. Come to find out, it was ADHD (well, i will not get the official yay or nay until the 2nd).Graduated with a 3.6 weighted, did not study for my ACT got a 27, not many extracurriculars and I want to learn from my mistakes and do better. But I just feel like I have ruined my dreams. I doubt an Ivy League school will want someone who did poorly in high school even if they turned it around in college. I know I am capable of doing the work i just, idk its so fucking hard man. Like i just feel stuck and i feel suicidal again because I feel worthless. All my friends got into their dream schools and I did not. I understand an Ivy Education is not everything but its something i wanted and it just really hurts. I just feel like a huge idiot. I want to do better so i can try again next year but there is this huge underlying feeling of it does not fucking matter anyways, there is a 3% chance you will even be considered, let alone get in. I want to make myself proud. I am going to take the year i have to reflect and get my shit together to prove i can do it, but still I do not feel proud, i feel like i let myself down and there is nothing i can do about it. Feeling very upset, like I have lost everything and i have not got much to lose to begin with",Depression +16982,"A few weeks ago I was planning on leaving my job and try to do something that I wanted to do in life just this once. I have put everyone else as priority and for once wanted to take some sort of control.The Universe said ""No.""Started the month hospitalized. Today I learned that I have a semi-rare disease that will need constant life changes, doctor follow ups for the rest of my life. cannot really leave job now since I need the insurance more than ever. Today I learned the news of a family member passing away.Today I learned the person I loved lied to me.All in one day I just lost and lost.I just wanted to do something that would make me happy.The Universe said ""No.""I am so tired now. The Universe said ""No.""",Depression +16983,it is just useless i do not know what to write. i am utterly useless and horrible and I am going to fix that goner,Suicidal +16984,"I am currently 17 year of age. My boath parents are toxic, my mother was physically abused by my father, and my mother is also toxic in some way but I want to move out of this house after this year with my mother and my brother (10 yr), the level of toxicity was so high that I attempted suicide twice and was admitted to hospital once, and few months ago I lost my grandmother, the only person that supported me, and the only person whom I considered as my first mother. 2 month ago I recovered from covid but had severe fatigue, but my father did not take me to hospital, I suffered for almost a month and then my mom took me to hospital and then I was diagnosed for depression and was given anti depresents for 1 month. After taking meds I felt a bit better but as soon as the meds got over its getting worse day by day.I want to move out of this house as soon as possible with my mom n brother, but I do not want to leave my brother with my mom, as ik for sure that he will also get some or the other mental illness if left with my mom. I wanted to ask how is it possible for me to move out and what kind of job can I get. And is it possible that I can take care of my brother. Need some guidance",Depression +16985,"I just started to self-harm again tonight after weeks of being free from it. I always keep my huge army knife by my bed in case of an intruder or in case I want to cut myself. I really feel like I might have BPD, because I have all of the symptoms. But I am too uncomfortable to tell my mom. She does not really know anything about my mental health except the occasional panic attack haha. Anyways, the smallest things trigger my self-hate. What triggered it this time was: A guy that me and my cousin both like. She does not know that I like him, and very very much. I wanted to let them have a chance since he might like her back. But it kills me to see them even laugh together. And then something as stupid as the mom of the girl I babysit yelling at me because her daughter lost her fucking shoe. Its kind of funny now that I think about it, but I was literally sobbing because of how guilty I felt. Anyways. I am curious as to how long you guys have been self-harming for, do you cut until you see blood, and do any of you have BPD? self-harm/rant",Suicidal +16986,"I failed a very important class in my university and now I have extended my time 1 more year, I started when I was 19, I am 27 now... 8 years, 8 years in a carreer that is only 5, and I got 2 more to go, so Ill be in that university for 10 years at least. My girlfriend is trying to help me she is working now and I go to her job to practice and work with her and I just do things there for the sake of it, just because I have to, there is no fear of something getting wrong, if that happens I am just used to it so I call my girlfriend over so she can fix it, and if I do things right then...well, nothing, no feeling proud or happy, anything. I wake up, I eat once a day, I shower and I just live in autopilot and I feel miserable, a good day is when my head is quiet and I manage to get some sleep at night.At this point I do not want happiness, I will not get that I know. I just want a little peace. In auto pilot",Depression +16987,"*by the way I am sixteen so that explains a bit of stuff in the first paragraph rly defeats the point of therapy when most of my thoughts fit under that sh/suicide umbrella. if i bring it up ill end up in a psych ward and i cannot really call something like a crisis line. i do not even feel that terrible right now but this kind of stuffs been on my mind the past few days and it is hard to not think about itim probably going to get broken up with over all this n school starts soon which definitely will not help. doubly so with the fact all the gender affirming clothes i have are damn near useless when I am going to be living in boyish school uniforms half the timehrt is being slower than id like it to be and i know i will not look like the person i want to be anytime soon (or more likely ever, my transition goals change so so very much from day to day and it is just a mess)just blegh man it does not feel like anythingll get better any time soon. even after school ends I am going to be basically forced to go to college, if hs does not kill me college almost definitely willnot sure if this fits on suicidewatch or something rather than here. decided there is enough like, other stuff here for it to fit here but lmk if it does not not being able to tell my therapist so much just kind of stings",Depression +16988,so I never felt this low ever I feel numb unmotivated unable to do anything that makes me happy I feel nauseous all the time and so sick today was supposed to be fun I am on vacation but of course everything went wrong for me everyone looks so happy like their life is just so fucking perfect I wish I was one of them my parents will not let me go anywhere or even cry I feel trapped they deny that depression exists and say that its just sadness and it will go away I have tried to tell them that I need help and I am not okey that I am depressed but ofc they just laugh at me. They make suicide jokes and think its funny. I do not want to die I just want to feel happy again like when I was little. Everyone tells me its going to be ok but when ? I just want a hug from someone telling me that its going to be ok and that I do not have to cry and that I am not alone. I try to keep motivated and tell myself that its going to be ok and that it will pass and to just do good stuff to forget it but it never goes away:(. why am i still here?,Suicidal +16989,This past year has been full of negative people and negative situations. I graduated college as covid hit. Found out that was a huge waste of time and money. Almost everyday an old person tells me there is nothing to look forward to. I have been working hard and doing really great for people and their businesses yet they are very negative and only care about money and their old asses. Smoking marijuana no longer gets me high so I am either searching for a better high or searching for a reason to quit trying. How is a 23 year old suppose to make it in this world? People live so long and they are not grateful or nice to the younger generation. I have tried being hateful but I am so tired. All I want to do is smile and enjoy my time on this earth. Tired,Suicidal +16990,"I guess I just wanted to say somewhere that I am feeling really bad today for whatever reason. I am really really lonely more than anything else. Ended up psyching myself up into a bad place. Now I am really tired but cannot sleep. If someone wants to talk, I am around for a bit. Its been a bad one today.",Depression +16991,"I finally have to accept that there is nothing wrong with me.I do not have depression.I do not have anxiety.I do not have ADD.I am not autistic.I thought I might have some or all of these things, but no doctor or therapist has ever diagnosed me with them. There is no cure, because there is nothing wrong.I just do not belong here.I had hoped that one day Id have an explanation for why I do not fit in. For why I never made friends. For why I always get short, one word answers when I try to engage with others.I believed one day Id have a reason why I cannot develop hobbies or interests. For why I cannot be ambitious. For why I cannot find pleasure in anything.But there is only one reason.I simply do not belong here. I do not belong.",Suicidal +16992,I have never really recognized my depression like it is recently. I am diagnosed bi-polar so normally and normally i rapid cycle but recently my depression is sticking around. I am married and she gave birth to our daughter this past December. I love that little girl more than anything it just feels like i am not enough i know i can do better but i never have the energy just going into work 3 days a week is a mental battle and the other 4 i stay at home watching her i do not know what to do i feel so lost I feel lost.,Depression +16993,"Honestly I do not really know why, I am always down or just feel alone and tired. I am young(20 well 21 my birthday next Friday) but most of my life, I have had more downs than ups. Bullied, cheated on, sabotaging my own relationships, etc. I wanted to be the guy that does the right things. But it just keep getting worse, like I have this ex that I dated years before(we still talk, were actually friends), I broke it off bc I felt like she needed someone better than me. But stupidly gotten into another relationship basically rushed it. Now idk if I have feelings for her, does not matter she found another guy. Which is fine I am happy for her, but damn it hurt. My birthday next Friday and Ill be 21 years old and sadly and honestly I have been thinking about taking my life that day. I just do not want feel anymore, I tried to fight off these thoughts but hey you cannot win every battles yea? I do not know I just felt like actually saying it. Bad part about it I cannot tell my friends or family, they have they are own things to deal with, its better this way. Down bad ig",Depression +16994,"I had 2 friends. I knew we were drifting apart and I was trying by myself to make the friendship work. Well once again, life has happened and they have proven yet again that I am not important to them.A tornado hit my area like a week ago. I texted one of my friends and asked him if he was okay since he lives further up the coast. He said he was fine. I told him I was really scared and I never heard back from him again.Fast forward to the day before yesterday. My last remaining grandma died unexpectedly. My head is messed up and so is my heart. I just needed some support. I texted my other friend (who ghosts me regularly) and was trying to joke and make small talk. He said now is not a good time. My sadness has turned into anger. I am absolutely fucking pissed. I did not ask for shit other than some companionship. Yet they discarded me like I was a fucking piece of garbage! I hate the both of them. I hate them. I hate myself more for even thinking they were my friends. I cannot believe I stuck around for 6 & 7 years for it to end like this. I fucking hate them so much. All I am seeing is red. Why???",Depression +16995,"I used to be a brat in middle school, only wanting to play games and run around. My grades were terrible, and I was always a sidekick, looking for the popular kids to accept me. One day that changed. I was in chemistry class, we were learning about atoms and I became very intrigued and it suddenly snapped. I was no longer that brat, I became more reserved, felt more conscious and aware of things, heck I never studied, but went on to graduate high school on top of my class. I was no longer the same person. I was very ambitious in high school. I wanted to be a scientist or an engineer, work for NASA and be a part of all those amazing projects. As I progressed through high school however, my life slowly started going downhill, and I became very depressed and suicidal.I have aphantasia so I cannot really imagine anything, so some things are a lot harder for me when it comes to studies. However, that is not the reason my life was ruined, in fact I did not really care much about that.I never had any real friends, I have general anxiety, puberty fucked me in the ass, I realized life is not fair and so on. I mean, can you imagine how hard it is for a high schooler, at the peak of his youth, to get back hair, hyperhidrosis and a bunch of other things. I was always made fun of for having excessive body hair, I did not mind it much, but back hair is a new beast entirely. Every other dream I have I feel exposed, anxious, I can almost hear everyone making fun of me and casting me out. I suppose this stole my youth and that is where I got very existential. We are not born equal, we only die equally, I told myself. If there is no God, and life is all about randomness, then I drew an awful straw and wasted my one shot at life, If there is a God, then why did he do this to me? I quickly became an absurdist, and then a cynical nihilist. Depression tore me apart, every night I would think about suicide. However, I was still hopeful, I studied for the university entrance exam daily, failed my first choice spectacularly and then realized how choices mattered. If I woke up earlier and studied in middle school, got into a better high school that was math heavy, I would have passed. Anyway, I failed another exam, and finally got accepted to study physics. I loved physics, so I thought why not? Although my first 2 fails really shattered my confidence. I started out okay, but I felt like the odd one out in my class, mainly because my end goal was suicide, and In this room there were many with great ambitions. I could not focus on classes because of this anxiety, but I still went to lectures. I was dying already and not even a semester had passed. The work load was too much, and my only goal was suicide. Because of the obvious lack of motivation, I dropped out, and my parents subjected me to mental torture in the coming months. I have an awful sleep schedule, and go to bed at 10 am, not because I am on my phone, or something, but because I am overthinking and despairing too much to fall asleep.Nowadays I am a shut-in neet, just waiting for an opportunity to die. I have some thoughts of just changing, forgetting about everything, getting a job, living a different life than the life I have always wanted, but I do not see myself overcoming this, I guess a big part of me just does not want to. If I did not have empathy, I would have killed myself ages ago. Thanks for reading this long and boring post. From a life of ambition to a dead end",Depression +16996,"(This is basically just a huge ramble so uhh I am sorry in advance) I am not really sure if this is the right place for this, it is more of just a general mental health thing, but I think it is probably caused by depression? I am not really sure. But, basically, I used to be able to think deeply and clearly, and I used to just think more intelligently than I do now. I can just tell it in the way that I even respond to people now, that I am not as intelligent as I used to be, or at least, my depression blocks me from thinking clearly. I was never super smart, but I used to be able to at least think in more complex ways. But now, my brain just feels so blurry, and all I can think about is how useless I am in comparison to everyone else around me. The world just does not feel quite as real, either. I know that everything around me is real, but I just do not feel as connected to it before as I used to. I think that is also why I cannot think as clearly or deeply anymore, because nothing seems to matter as much. I just want to know if anyone else feels similarly I feel like I cannot think clearly anymore",Depression +16997,I went the the mental hospital in February and a lot of things have happened since then. So I have been distracted from the fact that I was put there for a week. I was reminded recently and it immediately made me resentful and kind of angry. Does this reminder ever get to you and how do you deal with it? Couple of months out from the hospital,Depression +16998,"I know for a fact that Id never commit suicide, mostly on an emotional relationship factor so if that fell apart this sentence no longer applies but it will not, trust me. My point is I cannot tell my doctor I have suicidal ideations even on my antidepressants like its so hard to get rid of them that I have started using them as a coping mechanism like just thinking about certain scenarios when I get upset. I know some of you all are going to yell for me to get some help but this is actually a serious question. Also is it normal for your meds to not actually get rid of your depression but just tone it down because that is the closest thing I can relate this to at the moment.Wellbutrin 300mg max dose. (For those wondering)Word to mods: please do not take this down, I am not glamorizing suicide I am simply asking for some opinions on this subject. also I should repeat that I AM NOT SUICIDAL. cannot I have my suicidal ideations in peace as long as I have no intent?",Depression +16999,"I am a high school senior and have been introverted my entire life, and never really minded having a small friend group or being alone. But recently I have just suddenly grown discontent with the way my life is. I feel isolated and lonely even when I am with others, and I am constantly struck with the feeling that I have been this way for so long, that there is no possibility of change. To cope, I have been trying to throw myself into my work just to make myself forget a little about all this, but I have lost the motivation to do anything. All I do nowadays is lie down and stare into space until I start to cry again. I am also trying my hardest to make more friends, or go out a little more but even then I still come home every night and cry, going to bed clutching my hands together just to try and feel some human warmth, any sense of connection. I just want to love, and be loved back by somebody. To be understood, and most of all, to connect emotionally. I would seek professional help, but I am afraid that my parents or other people will think that I am faking it, or just craving attention. Its all so sudden.",Depression +17000,"[important: its been exactly two hours since I have had this suspicion and i am just having a breakdown so keep that in mind]i have every symptom of very early pregnancy including the most important one. it was accidentally in my fertility window, and it was unprotected. (however, we are very careful and never do it for more than literally 5 minutes at a time). I am under 20 years old and live with my parents and four siblings. if i actually am pregnant then I am finally going to be able to end it.my state requires parental consent and my parents are abusive, single me out, and have given up on trying to help/get me mental health help or support after years of me not getting better, which they see is my fault. if i told them i would be living a life far worse than death or whatever hell awaits me. even if it means i keep on living, i would endure every heat of every flame of hell. again, I am probably just overreacting like i do with everything else, but i do not know what to do because there is no one else i trust in my entire life to talk about this because it is an actual concern. so here i am. i always find myself to be more appealing to those who are strangers.I am stoned so that is why this is written so victorian-esque. but i have a feeling this one is a much bigger concern than my only other last breakdown over this. i think I am pregnant so this is it for me",Suicidal +17001,I am so exhausted. I feel lost. I am losing motivation. News stories are making me feel sick. Deleted Facebook recently bc of all the ads I was getting about animal abuse. Of course I want to sign petitions and donate but I am also feeling overwhelmed on top of my depression and personal life stressors. Talking tomy counselor is not really helping right now. The state of the world is crushing me,Depression +17002,I am normally a happy person but whenever its here its here. i feel so weighed down and like what is the point to whatever is out there and i just do not know what to think anymore it just always feels like an itch it feels like an itch,Suicidal +17003,"so i was in therapy for depression and one session, my therapist said she wanted to talk more about my childhood trauma (which she made me feel like it was some fascinating story to her rather than, you know, trauma) and when i said i just was not really in the mood or comfortable enough to talk about it all yet, she said it was okay and moved on. i had only seen her for around four months at that point, once a week if that, so i just was not ready to dive into it all. anyway, our very next session, she told me that i had improved immensely since we first started and not only did she think that i was completely free of any depression symptoms, she said that she was going to be canceling further appointments and that if i needed a visit really bad, just to text her and she could set up a quick meeting. but since then, i have never felt worse. i know what depression looks like and now i feel super invalid for even thinking i have it because i was already tipping a little towards the worst when she dropped me. my father committed suicide when i was younger and so whenever i bring up the fact that my depression seems like it is getting worse, my mom changes the subject immediately and most often will not make a single comment on what i said. i got into my dream school for this fall as a sophmore and i have never felt less enthusiastic about anything - i told my therapist that i was unsure of my major and she told me that it did not really matter because in the end, it is just a degree. i tried to talk about what my future career might look like and she told me that, once again, it does not matter right now and that i should not even be worried about it. half a year ago, looking forward to my future was one of the few things that i was able to be positive about but now? i feel stupid for thinking i even have one. i honestly do not even know what to do and i feel like i need to attend therapy again but clearly my therapist thinks I am faking and not many accept my insurance. my family clearly does not even want to speak about it and i have absolutely no friends because i moved to my current city only six months ago and i know no one. i also do not even know if I am considered suicidal because thinking about it does make me cry and make me sad but at the same time, thinking about simply not existing anymore is also one of the happiest things that i could experience right now. i just do not know if i should even try to save myself i was not comfortable talking about my trauma yet so my therapist dropped me - I have now had the worst three weeks of my life",Depression +17004,"Like the tittle says is there really any real reasons I should not just end it all..there is nothing in my life really work living forI hate my job, I do not have real friends of significant others, I do not have any aspirations or goals and just waking up each day it is more and more a challenge each dayI only live out each day because it is what I am supposed to do but I am getting really tired of this...Looking back at my life I have never had any real goals but I have pretty accomplished all that I wanted..More and more I start feeling less human and more deconnected to everythingI'm an awkward mess who does not have any goals and does not know how to meet new people so are there any real reasons to go on.. Is there any real reasons I should not do it",Suicidal +17005,"It was a couple hours before work and I was playing a few games. I could not find one I was able to get into so I was just constantly switching titles. Eventually I stop all together and I am sitting there fighting unprovoked tears and burst into laughter for a few seconds.. then go back to crying. It alternated like this for 15-20 minutes and was then suddenly fine.I am 28 and went to therapy once a few years ago, but did not like it. Should i go back? This is not the first time something like this has happened and suspect it will not be the last. My fiance thinks I might be manic depressive, but I could not tell you. So last wednesday I had a weird breakdown and started laughing and crying.",Depression +17006,"When I think about my life all I can ever think about is lack. I feel hopeless and have been fighting these feelings for seemingly my whole life. I have been disappointed by everyone. My family has never acted like what if imagine a family is supposed to act, I have always felt distant to them. I have never been able to maintain quality friendships irl, nobody is interested in me. Everyone woman I have been interested in an pursued ended with failure. I have gone from job to job hating everything about it. Right now I have got a secure job that I am decent at and while it does not pay a lot it pays enough for me to survive. But I hate it just like I hate everything else about my life. I lay awake late at night while I should be sleeping and I feel hopeless. Like my life will never get better, that I will always be gazing longingly in through a window from the outside, and on the inside is the life I want to be living. But it is outside of my control and that pains me tremendously. I cannot make other people like me. I cannot make myself suddenly make more money. I cannot make myself like my job. I cannot make myself have more energy so that I can do more outside of work. I have been desperately trying to convince myself that it is not hopeless for years now but I still am so unsatisfied. It feels like nothing has changed in years. Nothing has happened. And I feel so hopeless, I do not want to feel this way anymore. I want my life to feel like an adventure but instead every seems like a chore. Why? I cannot get over this feeling of hopelessness",Depression +17007,I am feeling really weird right now and I just need someone to bring me back to reality Can someone please help me calm down,Depression +17008,I am really depressed right now and I just feel like something is off. Like my vibes are wrong. Idk if that even makes sense. I just want to calm down I might have an anxiety attack or am currently having one. I literally feel like I could cry I do not know what to do. Can someone try to calm me down,Suicidal +17009,"For a long time my family had been living with my grandparents in which my grandpa got sick West Nile virus and for 3 years he was assisted by nurses, my mother and grandma until he passed away in 2018. After a while, my older uncle had divorced split with his wife and moved in with us in I believe late 2019. Now it has not been the best as he had conflict with my sister but he was not in the best shape either. In recent months he had made a big argument with me as I did not ask him if he wanted some drinks when I was with the entire family when I knew he would not want one. When I returned with the drinks he soared raging and talked lots of crap but I just walked out sad and went on a walk. I have not talked with him too much but just recently I had got in a argument with my younger uncle who was being stubborn and always felt as if he was right.Currently my grandma and mother have been siding more with the uncles but also feel the need to just treat them extra better. Now just recently we have been thinking about moving out but I have just kept in so much thoughts inside me and I have just been very disappointed and sad with life. Sometimes I have thinking oh why cannot my life just end. While I do not believe I would ever harm myself, I am constantly having these thoughts wishing life would just end so I would not deal with none of this anymore. I do not know what to do with life and I am not very happy with how much pain I have kept inside. I just do not know what to do anymore. I have been not enjoying life and I do not know what to do anymore.",Depression +17010,"Just wondering if anyone has gotten past that part where they just want to disappear from everything even memories and become nothing? It feels like this part is never going to end and its killing me with people saying it gets better or you learn to handle it better over time. Gotten past the ""want to disappear "" part?",Depression +17011,"I have come to a realization today. Through...well, years of struggling with suicidal thoughts and self harm tendencies, I had always fantasized about how my end would happen. How I would not have to deal with things anymore. So I sat passively by the sidelines, I made plans--i even currently make plans. Everyday I get urges and flashes of myself ending and it is scary.Today I realized why it has been impossible for me to follow through with anything, and that is because I am fortunate enough to have people that love me. I matter to people. And with that I always worry what they would do without me. So I continue down this road.In trudging down this road I see that I am indeed losing myself and I even started lying to my loved ones to preserve their happiness. I just do not want to become a monster, I would rather die before it comes to that. But for now, I am loved and I am going to sleep tonight instead of sleep forever.Good night everyone. I am going to bed. So here is some thought for the pillow.",Suicidal +17012,"In September I was finally planning a wedding with my SO (the person depressed) of 3 years. He spent weeks picking out the perfect ring, and he even picked out a house to buy for us. He was going to put the deed in both of our names, but take on the loan in his own since I did not graduate with my doctorate until this May. Fast forward to February when his family fell apart when his Dad (and his best friend other than me) hurt his mom (in addition to other difficulties in his life not involving me). It was like someone flipped the switch off in his brain. He said he felt numb. Like a piece of him died inside. It continued to get worse until it felt like he hated me. He said mean things, would hang out with people he never hung out with before and seem truly happy, but when he got home he was emotionless again. He did not talk. He lost interest in sex and if we did have sex it felt cold and emotionless. He assured me he still loved me but it did not feel like it anymore. In the first week of May he seems to perk up and finally opened up about feeling depressed and I left for 2 nights to go visit family and he went right back to numb. I texted him and went off because I could not take it anymore and asked him to fight for me but he said he could not. A few days later he told me we fell out of love. I recently heard about anhedonia and it seems consistent with a lot of his sudden actions and ability to have excitement with only some people. I do not expect to get back together, but some kind of understanding of an issue that I do not understand or personal experiences would be appreciated. I am struggling but in a different way. I tried to be enough, but I regret not realizing he may have needed professional help. I know this is for those with depression, but I could use some advice",Depression +17013,"I am in my early 20s, it seems like all people around me are extremely happy, have a functional family, a solid economic floor, great friends, a ideal relationship and they are living life like a fantasy. Why those people are happy and they have stability in all aspects of life?My soul at this age is consumed literally... I do not have social life since 7 years and get used to stay alone long periods of time in my room, the weirdest part is that I reached such level that I do not use my voice anymore, I prefer communicate in my own house with signs (silence pact).I spend 6-8 hours everyday studying until burnout because I am pissed off, I will not stop until complete my goal because this is the only thing that root me in the real world. My rage and deception of life is such deep that I suppressed my emotions years ago, I converted my depression into pure angry 24/7, it is my only gasoline to continue my day forcing my brain to collapse to get a decent job and leave this hell called ""home"". The problem now is that I am very furious and I contain all of this without leaving my mind, I would like to punch a sand bag to reduce my stress.Right now you are reading this and you could see me but I am not here, my mind left me years ago, one day maybe Ill return when the things be better... for now I have to continue in this automatic strict routine. I would like to have friends to feel something but idk... I became a cold/serious person. Today I make 7 years with depression, try me bi*ch.",Depression +17014,I feel completely numb. Its easier to feel and remember nothing.I like feeling nothing.I like being nothing. I wish I could not wake up tomorrow,Depression +17015,"I had the messiest life for so long. I have been diagnosed with a plethora of things over the last year. I treated myself so horribly and was so casually suicidal in everything I did for so long. I was doing way too many drugs, letting other people use my body, and trying to do anything reckless to maybe die that night. Just about two years ago, I had a breakthrough. I started liking myself more, set up two incredibly strong and supportive friendships, begun seeing the best therapist I have ever talked with, and started the most stable and healthy relationship I have ever been in.Since March I have gotten bad again. All I want is to die and stop experiencing all the flashbacks from trauma and the fervent self hatred. My friends and boyfriend have all verbally confirmed they love me and want to help. Even my parents have agreed to see someone over the last year and are trying to heal some serious childhood trauma. Everyone wants to help. Everyone says they love me. I simply cannot believe them. I have felt the exact same for so long. When I have had nothing and no one, and when I have absolutely everything. I think I just might be too damaged and used to being sad to ever feel happy. No matter how good things get, I feel like I want out. I should have no reason to feel like this",Suicidal +17016,"I (19M) have been struggling with myself for a while now. I do not even feel like a real person and I do not even have friends my own age to hang out with not even one. I always have to sit at the house 24/7 overthinking and being near my annoying siblings who do nothing but piss me off 24/7. Everyday of my life I always overthink to the point where I feel like my brain has a malfunction. I do not have an ID, driver license, or job yet. I would wish I had at least one person irl to hang out with my age. Also a lot of the time I always dream about being in a relationship with a girl. I am starting to feel like life is not real. Most of the time I do not even feel like a real person",Depression +17017,"Is this my punishment for failing to kill myself? This fucking old man's face staring at me from the mirror, this rotting body...This endless loneliness creeping in my soul, tearing apart the very essence of me...If not for that one lucky accident I would be a ""Wizard"" right now. I could not even... In London you can boom an appointment with a sex worker, but not a date... Why is not there a service like that...I just wanted one date before game over screen Withering away",Suicidal +17018,Does anyone know if vaping is better? Any coping vices I can get. I would try weed but idk where I would get my hands on it I am so fucking depressed. I want to get a high but cigarettes are fucking nasty and cancer filled,Depression +17019,"I mean..I just do not care about anything, I do not see a point in trying to become good at a hobby or expand my knowledge in my interests. I just want to lay here and gone that when I fall asleep I do not wake up again Wow.",Depression +17020,"Perfect method for me. I tested it out and it seems very promising. I am content at the moment, but I like knowing if one more thing gets worse in my already shitty live I have a way out. I found the perfect..",Suicidal +17021,"it is interesting how many times I Google ""depression signs"".I know what it is. I do not need to convince myself. How do I get out though? I keep waiting for something to happen, but I know that something has to be driven by me.I KNOW these things. So why do I just lay here...and do nothing? I am drowning in ankle deep water. Swipe.. swipe",Depression +17022,"I have (had?) severe eczema since I was a child, but this past spring really kicked my ass. Appointment after appointment and I am now HAPPY with my skin being clear, but suffering through all the side effects magnified somehow. Doctors said keep taking it or do not. Suffer with the medication or suffer with my eczema. There is no win there. And now, after a week of hip pain and leg pain, they are saying I have a spinal arthritis???? And I cannot take pain meds because my other medication interferes with it. My body fucking hurts but my skin is clear? My skin is clear but now I have hot flashes, joint pain, nausea?? And chasing around a toddler is literally putting me in even more pain. My quality of life was supposed to get better and it did in one way but got worse in others. I had so much hope for my life to turn around this summer and upcoming months, especially since I am finally starting university after being in city college for 8 years. I feel like if I keep going, I am just going to suffer more and I am becoming more and more hopeless. I had so much hope honestly that my shit was going to get better but everything is just crashing down on me and I cannot do anything anymore. Getting out of bed literally hurts so what is the point of all of it?? Its just one thing after another idk how much more I can take Feeling hopeless and tired after more medical issues",Suicidal +17023,I told my family that I have been trying to overdose to medicine and they told me to stop it but they did not even hide the box where the medicine's located. So I have been taking them for days over the recommended dose. I do not care anymore. I do not know how to feel about this one,Depression +17024,I feel like I should go back on antidepressants. I have been off antidepressants for about 8 months. Should i go back on antidepressants,Depression +17025,"I am not special...The medical industry makes a fuck load of money because both feed the narcissism that life is precious. The orthodontic and medical community are vultures and religion sells a fantasy. The science industry controls religion which is humans but when you fall within that bracket, it makes your life very limiting. The medical industry is attempting to remove our flaws and imperfections so that they feed it to the next generation.Pretty sure that all these diseases are manmade or discovered and then released so they can inject fear and then we keep paying them money for the cure to ensure that we become weak and not question this system.Whether you go into porn or any other industry it is rigged and the minute you think you are free, it gets taken away from you.The world I want is something I will not ever get so fuck hope. Why bother with life when the narcissist rule the world? I am not special...",Depression +17026,"I feel I have like high functioning depression and anxiety. I manage to do ok at work. With family and friends I pretend to be just fine and loving live cuz I do not want to worry others and honestly I feel embarrassed about feeling down. I hate being the downer. I too feel embarrassed that my therapist has recommended I take antidepressants. My family sort of makes fun of antidepressants and I am not sure how they would react if they knew. Supportive or maybe they will look at me with pity.I have always been a bit of a people pleaser which is probably why I like to present a different side of me to friends and family but lately I am trying to be more honest. Attempting at least but it is hard when I feel I pretend about myself all the time.It now scares me that having to show my depressive side to my family will make my depression worse. I do often have suicidal thoughts and pretending to be happy when I am with others sometimes helps. Well I guess sometimes I am happy, mostly when I am on my own.I just feel so unbalanced lately and the suicidal thoughts are coming up more so than usual. It hurts my head. Headaches. I feel afraid when those thoughts come up. I do not want to hurt myself but why does it feel like ending things? Why does my brain jump to that conclusion and only.possible way to alleviate it? This is not how I used to be before. Things have just gotten worse this year. Started this year with a panic attack. I thought i was supposed to get better and i guess meds are inevitable this time.I feel people have expectations of me that I can never meet and it is stressful. Probably all made up by me. So I am not sure if my depression is even valid.Idk there is just so much. I work out but I still feel stress for no reason. I just want a peaceful life. Why is this difficult?",Depression +17027,"When I was barely over the age of one, cps took me away from my birth mom. Needless to say, I was found in a terrible state. The very first family to take me in as a foster child, eventually they were able to adopt me when I was 3. Sadly though, I was forced to continue my relationship with my mother throughout the years I was a foster child, which was ultimately detrimental in how I ended up. Luckily it was a closed adoption, sadly though, the parents who had adopted me, had divorced a few years later. My mom got me and the other kids, while occasionally we would see our dad. Though, my mother would rarely let me see my father. It was obvious from the start, I was different from other kids. I look back on it, and I realize just how much of a struggle I had to deal with. I attended special classes for my speech impediment, I was always getting bad grades and I just did not understand ANYTHING. Instead of getting me help, my mother did not believe in medicine or doctors. I just recently found out that she knew I always had ADD, but never told me. She would ground me for not crying when someone I did not love, would die. I was always getting grounded and I was never allowed inside the house. No matter how hydrated I would get, she would not allow me inside, and she worked me like a slave. Only ever cleaning when I was inside. Eventually I ended up living with my dad and his new wife when I became a teen. I ended up getting caught having sex, and my father who was extremely strict, grounded me for years. I started getting treated like I was a dirty person, and that they would not feel comfortable allowing such a person around their kids. And to this day I am still treated like this. What more, I went back and forth between my mom and dad, eventually I was kicked out before I could graduate and have struggled ever since. I always struggled with depression, but as soon as I became an adult, I started truly feeling suicidal and depressed. I started coming out to my family, who I have Always had a rocky relationship with, and was always shut down and told to stick it up. They ignored my pain and suffering, and I refused to ever ask help from any of them. But my sister would always have my back, she would make sure I would not be homeless. And now I just find myself in a rut. I am in the first relationship I have had for years and its terrible. He deceived me into believing he was someone else, and like an idiot, I feel for it. he is made us get into tremendous debt, and now I find myself the lowest I could ever be. I have no motivation and I know I just cannot keep doing it anymore. I am tired, and I do not care to live. I do not care what happens after this, I just want to be set free from this misery. I also cannot help but resent my father, he has so much money yet he refuses to help anyone. He says to work hard, even if it means work 24/7, since he is an alcoholic. But I just struggle so much, and the fact that he is out there spending ridiculous amounts of money on the dumbest of stuff, but not on helping out his child that is struggling so much, who finally admitted to him that I have been suicidal.I have come to realize that all the abuse I went through as a child, has damaged me in a way that I can never hope to be normal. I still have a speech impediment, but I have learned to become the silent character. I know that I have some form of autism, I have looked up all the signs and I have worked so hard to understand myself. I do not want to be here anymore, and I guess really, I just want to be heard. Wanting Permission to Die",Depression +17028,"I feel like I cannot do anything right I am in a dead end career, I am starting basics in school because I feel like I have to but I do not want to anything/think anything will make me happy,I am so emotionally drained from working a service job I hate and trying to find a new job when nowhere calls me back and I am losing motivation because driving makes me anxious so it also has to be somewhere close. I was talking to a guy I really liked and he ghosted me after our first date and I made myself look stupid by texting him some long thing and got left on read after basically telling him he hurt me I feel like none of my friends actually want to hear my issues and no advice helps. I know dying is not the answer but all I have done these past 4 days is cry and I cannot stop thinking about hurting myself even though I do not want to. I feel like I cannot do anything right",Suicidal +17029,"Life is full of ups and downs, & I am really, really down right now. Family issues have me down, health anxiety, I am stuck at home & have nothing to do, & I generally just feel alone. Health anxiety is the worst of them all. Its a burden I would never give to anyone. I hate living with it every day. Its always something. I can never convince myself that I am healthy. Anxiety in general is horrible, too. I get anxiety over so many small things. I stress over things that do not need to be stressed about. Things that may not even be there, really. Family issues suck. They hurt. I just want a happy family, like so many people have, but that is even hard for me to get. I have never really felt like I have had that. Yes, my mom loves me, but family just gets tough sometimes. By no means am I suicidal. I am not. I could never do that to myself, or leave that burden on anyone else. I have been through what it feels like to lose a loved one to suicide. I do not need a doctor. I know I can take these demons on on my own, I just need to know how. I need advice. I need support I am just a 16 year old kid guys. I just want to be a kid, and not stress over every. Little. Thing. I feel depressed for the first time, ever.",Depression +17030,"When I was barely over the age of one, cps took me away from my birth mom. Needless to say, I was found in a terrible state. The very first family to take me in as a foster child, eventually they were able to adopt me when I was 3. Sadly though, I was forced to continue my relationship with my mother throughout the years I was a foster child, which was ultimately detrimental in how I ended up. Luckily it was a closed adoption, sadly though, the parents who had adopted me, had divorced a few years later. My mom got me and the other kids, while occasionally we would see our dad. Though, my mother would rarely let me see my father.It was obvious from the start, I was different from other kids. I look back on it, and I realize just how much of a struggle I had to deal with. I attended special classes for my speech impediment, I was always getting bad grades and I just did not understand ANYTHING. Instead of getting me help, my mother did not believe in medicine or doctors. I just recently found out that she knew I always had ADD, but never told me. She would ground me for not crying when someone I did not love, would die. I was always getting grounded and I was never allowed inside the house. No matter how hydrated I would get, she would not allow me inside, and she worked me like a slave. Only ever cleaning when I was inside.Eventually I ended up living with my dad and his new wife when I became a teen. I ended up getting caught having sex, and my father who was extremely strict, grounded me for years. I started getting treated like I was a dirty person, and that they would not feel comfortable allowing such a person around their kids. And to this day I am still treated like this. What more, I went back and forth between my mom and dad, eventually I was kicked out before I could graduate and have struggled ever since. I always struggled with depression, but as soon as I became an adult, I started truly feeling suicidal and depressed. I started coming out to my family, who I have Always had a rocky relationship with, and was always shut down and told to stick it up.They ignored my pain and suffering, and I refused to ever ask help from any of them. But my sister would always have my back, she would make sure I would not be homeless. And now I just find myself in a rut. I am in the first relationship I have had for years and its terrible. He deceived me into believing he was someone else, and like an idiot, I feel for it. he is made us get into tremendous debt, and now I find myself the lowest I could ever be. I have no motivation and I know I just cannot keep doing it anymore. I am tired, and I do not care to live. I do not care what happens after this, I just want to be set free from this misery.I have come to realize that all the abuse I went through as a child, has damaged me in a way that I can never hope to be normal. I still have a speech impediment, but I have learned to become the silent character. I know that I have some form of autism, I have looked up all the signs and I have worked so hard to understand myself. I do not want to be here anymore, and I guess really, I just want to be heard. Wanting permission to Die?",Suicidal +17031,I want to jump from my 9th floor apartments and hopefully die when I land on the ground. Fuck this bullshit life and people. I am going to kill myself.,Suicidal +17032,"its only 12:43am right now so i still have the rest of the day to break, but I have made a decision. I am going to stop wallowing around. I am not insulting anyone here, but for me, I am here for pity, and to feel like what I am doing is normal and okay. its not. I am 17, i do not want to waste my life away. I have wasted my teens years by almost never photographing myself, letting my teeth yellow, and isolating myself. i might reform this account into something better. i do not know, i just feel good. i brushed my hair and teeth, i washed my face, did laundry, cleaned up a bit, and I am about to take my sleep meds and hopefully rest. i want to make friends today. talk to the coworkers that I have convinced myself hate me. wear nailpolish and makeup that i like without being worried people will comment on it. i doubt the suicidal thoughts will go away without me talking to a professional, but I am just going to try to get better on my own terms, step by step, until i can convince my dad to let me see a doctor. ill try to be optimistic the highest day I have had in a lifetime of lows",Suicidal +17033,"Everyone keeps telling me ""Life's just given you a few bad hands."" ""it is not a few,"" I reply. ""Every hand.""Never once have I succeeded in life. I have learned well that you can do everything right, work hard, give everything you can give, and still lose.My parents finally kicked me out. It was on my birthday.They never liked me. My mother said she wished she did not care about me, I am too much of a burden, too much of a failure.I found her old journals, once. Found the pages where she mentioned me. She did not want me, even before I was born. She was willing to give me up, tried to, even. She took pills known to because severely premature & stillbirths.she would never cared for me, despite what she would scream at me when I was thirteen.I still wore skirts at that age. I still did my makeup the way she told me I should. I still was never as pretty as my older sister at that age.I came out as trans to my family a few years ago. They all lamented my failure. It was because I had not found a good husband. There was no strong man in my life to put me in my place. I was never a good daughter. I was never a wanted daughter. I was even less a wanted son.""it is a bad hand this round, they will come to in time."" My therapist would say. ""What if they do not?"" I ask. ""Give them time. They are your family, and they love you.""What if they do not love me? What if they do not. *What if they do not.*They kicked me out on my birthday.I did not say goodbye. they are indifferent. I earned this. Failure of a daughter, burden of a ""son"", unwanted & certainly never loved in a way I understood.I pack up my car with what fragile, lofty hopes I had of getting back on my feet. they will be rattled away to dust by the bumps of the road.Alone & angry. My nose is bloody & my head aches. As I am driving I can see the scars on my left arm where I tore it open in grief.I had fought so hard to overcome that. I had not relapsed, not once. All that, for what? For this?I have not eaten. I wonder if it is possible to transfer what money I have left to my lover. She could do something more with it, make a better life for herself. It could be a last little love note, from me. I remember, I promised to write her paper letters that had my cologne on them.A friend tries to be lighthearted and optimistic. He thinks everything will be fine.""Chin up! it is just a bad hand.""How many times have I heard that. ""You know,"" I say, ""-the definition of insanity... is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result.""I think it is long past time I leave the card table.""I fold."" Bad Hand.",Suicidal +17034,"I was diagnosed with an illness that is ripped my life up and threw it in a tornado scattering everything in different directions. It changes my appearance, its changed my body, and will only continue to do so. Its affected my voice, my insides, and its almost a /when/ for my major organs. God, I tell myself to stay positive as it will only feed my illness if I am any other way... but today I am just really feeling it.All my friends are moving out with their significant others. I just moved back home for my health. I could not even take my cat. I have no love life. All my stuff is strewn across and I need to go back for it once I am ""stable"". But when will that be? When is that? What if now is my ""stable"" and I am not going to get any better? I am terrified. I am going to be alone and ugly forever. I am never going to sound the same or do the same things again. I keep telling myself all of this is not true but its just so hard not to believe. I am so fucking scared. I feel so awful. There are so many things I want right now and almost all of them feel unachievable.I hate feeling so ""woe is me"". But I am fucking hurting right now. Woe is me",Depression +17035,so badly that i could take a gun and shoot myself in the head. my past will never change and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. i just want to die sometimes,Suicidal +17036,"it is not the same anymore. I am painfully lonely. like, listening to falling asleep with you ASMR videos while i cuddle my pillow, lonely. i pretty much stopped talking to everyone because i felt like they hated me. even when i talk to the one person in my life, she is just so cold and all i feel is sadness. i do not enjoy people, and i do not enjoy talking to them, either. I am anxious and stressed out around them. talking about my feelings does not help anymore. it leaves me feeling regretful and wishing that i would have just shut the fuck up and been more of a man about it. i feel like talking to people used to ease the pain.",Depression +17037,"I have realistically nothing to live for. My family ended in ruins, I have 0 skills, no college education, I am bad with people and worse at technical problems. Everyone I care for, with maybe 1 exception, does not feel mutually so. I was born talentless, and dumber than a bag of bricks. Dating and hoping I can find someone to care and trust has only ever broken me. Both from I am unlovable and nobody would ever want me, and the only people that i came close to loving ended up betraying me, another did not know i loved them but I know they would not no matter how much I did and so they fell in love with my ""friend."" Another used me only to feel better then discarded me once done. I have no desire no reason no motivation to live. I want to die. I want to die but I am to much of a bitch to ever take that last final ""leap""",Suicidal +17038,"I am so fucking done. I do not have another way to put it. I put on a mask as best as I can but I feel like my brain is decaying inside my head. Sections of time (sometimes hours, sometimes days) are just a blur, and that has not happened in years. I feel like after all the years of depression putting me so close to death, the last time being very close was March, my brain is rotting away and so is my soul. I am afraid my girlfriend is going to leave me soon and does not like being around me. I do not blame her Me and my dad are done speaking, if I see him we avoid eye contact. I have so many problems but the part that makes it hurt most is that it does not matter I am not allowed to be sad or feel these things. I cannot afford to. Everyone I need to protect and help is down in the dumps. So I cannot afford to be sad. I cannot afford to be depressed right now. And its tiring. I cannot Afford to get Sad",Depression +17039,I do not even know where it stems from. Just feels like I NEED to hate myself. Why do I hate myself so much,Suicidal +17040,"30s Male, on the surface, there is nothing wrong with my life. I make a great living and thrive in my career, I make friends easily and do well meeting and even sexual relationships with women.I am miserable. I have friends but none are close. I have relationships, but none grow. I succeed and feel underwhelmed. I do not see a future in this. I am always alone even ""surrounded"" by people. I feel like if I died there would be hundreds of sad people, but no one would miss me a week later. From the outside there is nothing really wrong",Suicidal +17041,"had my first therapy and it was just awful. I am losing all hope now, just felt so suicidal after talking with her. She dismissed all my issues and acted like I was a big baby. She do not understand depression, nobody can really help us at this point. I am losing hope, getting closer and closer to my death had my first therapy, the system is broken",Depression +17042,"I know I am really tired because I have been in a car with my family for 13 hours and I am a hermit of a human being so I am completely out of social energy. But I am just so emotionally tired I guess it allowed me to snap out dissociation mode and actually feel something. It was set off because I stubbed my toe real bad( I know really stupid way to be set off) and my parents started laughing at me and then my dad offered advice and I said are you joking right now because I genuinely did not know. Then my mom said that I should call 911 in a really condensing way so I went to my room and I just starting hyperventilating and felt tense in the head and I lost control. I calmed down and continued crying and just sat in silence trying to build my walls back up. My mom came in and said what is wrong and I said I am mentally ill (I cope with humor). She started laying it into me about how 50% of America is depressed and its just life and kept repeating I am not ill even though I am on two anti depressants and go to therapy regularly. I started thinking about how she does this with me a lot and does not actually comfort but makes me feel small for feeling how I feel. Every time I confront her about how she is, she always says nobody is perfect and I did the best I could. Then she would cry then I feel bad and we never talk about it again and it does not fully heal. She recognizes how depression is a real thing but she downplays how severe I have it. And I tried speaking with my sister instead about my problems and she flat out said we all know you are depressed because you are an atheist. It made me so frustrated I just got up and left the room. I have had similar instances with my brother and mom saying how could I be depressed since I am in a middle class family.Idk what the point of this post is. I am just kind of put my thoughts out there and seeing if I am paranoid or actually discovering something. P.S I am grateful though that they at least send me to therapy and get me meds. Just had a panic attack and now crying and I am questioning my family and their support.",Depression +17043,"I am just so down. I lost my job recently, I drink all the time. I used to be an early riser and productive but now I can barely get out of bed before 2pm and barely have energy to shower, clean, or really interact with anyone.I do not plan on suicide but sometimes I just wish I was not around anymore. I feel like I have nothing good going for me. I know I have people that love me but I am just drained at this point. I wish I could was not around anymore but would not ever have the nerve to kill myself",Depression +17044,"My life is like a downward spiral, it spins around and around and around and coils its self till it comes to a point of no return. That point is suicide. My life is on the downward spiral, the depression, the bullying, the mental and verbal abuse from my grandparents and my mom just standing there acting like everythings is all fucking fine and probably ashamed of me. My existence is a stain on the human earth. The only thing that keeps me going is my fear to accidentally mess up killing myself. My downward spiral has completed and i feel it not getting any better but worse. The pain of waking up every day and having to go through that cycle again and again and again is too much. I have screwed so many things up and I feel like there is no way else to fix them besides dying. I feel as if it would do a great deal of good to people I have hurt by existing. This feels like the only way to get out of the spiral, if I do not kill myself I feel as if I will keep burdening others around me.I am sorry for going all over the place, I am not very good at typing and I am nervous people might think I am doing it for attention. I think I am going to just get it over with.",Suicidal +17045,"I am so fucking done. I do not have another way to put it. I put on a mask as best as I can but I feel like my brain is decaying inside my head. Sections of time (sometimes hours, sometimes days) are just a blur, and that has not happened in years. I feel like after all the years of depression putting me so close to death, the last time being very close was March, my brain is rotting away and so is my soul. I am afraid my girlfriend is going to leave me soon and does not like being around me. I do not blame her Me and my dad are done speaking, if I see him we avoid eye contact. I have so many problems but the part that makes it hurt most is that it does not matter I am not allowed to be sad or feel these things. I cannot afford to. Everyone I need to protect and help is down in the dumps. So I cannot afford to be sad. I cannot afford to be depressed right now. And its tiring. Just ranting idk",Depression +17046,"I never had any doubts about my capabilities, i build a company, sell it, gotenough money to retire, even though i live in a third world country. But lonely is something that start corroding from inside until there is only rust. There is a moment when you loose the capability to trust people. Today i took so much medicine and alcohol, i hope my parents forget my existence soon for so much money i left to them. And if i survive, i promise ill try to get a psychiatrist help. At this moment i do not care anymore. Let see what is happen.Good luck to me.Good luck to you all. My only goal",Suicidal +17047,"I thought I was getting better with my depression and self harm but everyday seems to be slowly getting worse and worse and I do not know how much longer I can deal with it. My only friend will not talk to me and I have no one else to go to about my problems. My mom has been doing some semi-abusive things for a while now and as much as it is not ""abuse"" it still makes me feel bad and only makes it worse. She always points out my insecurities and makes jokes about my trauma. She never listens to anything I say and she gets mad over everything, where I feel scared to even leave my room. She will not let me see my therapist anymore, she threw away my ADHD, anxiety and depression medication and refuses to get more. She pretty much neglects how I am feeling physically and mentally 24/7 and there is nothing I can do about it because she is the adult in my life. I feel unsafe in my home and I just want to go somewhere else. I want to be admitted to a mental hospital and get help but every time I bring the subject up my mom tells me I am fine, she is not spending her money on that, and to just ""stop being so attention seeking."" The only way I could live without her was if I went to live with my dad, but he already struggles with money ever since my parents divorced and my mom kicked him out. I doubt he would be able to provide for himself and a kid/kids. But I feel so hopeless and stressed out, all I want is to feel free and I have been contemplating suicide non-stop. I do not want to die, I just want to be happy but I just cannot. Vent.",Suicidal +17048,"Any job I get, I end up working with people who scream at me and bully me until I am forced to leave. I cannot win a freaking crane game and wasted $400. I did not win anything. Oh yeah I do not have a job. cannot get one of those either, even after 300+ applications.Tagged along with my parents on vacation and it rained every single day, the whole entire week. Guess who gets to drive home (2 hours) in torrential rainfall and flooding? Me!Any relationship I ever had, people leave (friends or boyfriends) People dump me and never speak to me again, yet I do not do anything bad to anyone. No one even tells me the reason they up and leave.So nothing in life works out - yes I put in loads of effort - I feel like I am swimming against a dangerous current, kicking, thrashing, trying to fight and make progress but I am not getting anywhere. I have no one to help me, no one to throw me a life preserver. I obviously have no luck whatsoever, other than I do not have cancer but that is probably not far in the future.I just feel so pathetic. I feel like so many other people are skating through life - and yeah they all have their problems - but come on, is not my case pretty extreme? Over 300 job applications and no job? $400 on crane games and not 1 prize? Do I just SUCK at life? Seriously? Am I cursed? Funny one time when I was little, I thought I had an encounter with the devil (no one believes me and I understand) unless it was a dream but how do I remember it so vividly all these years? I hate it all. I want it to end because I am so TIRED. I am tired of trying so hard for so many years and never accomplishing anything. I feel like I try harder than most people who actually succeed. Yet I am just a freaking reject, loser, pathetic waste. No luck in life, nothing works out",Depression +17049,Why? Why? Why? I am tired of fuckers telling me how to think when you all do not even know. I am a weird loser tell me how to see life? Hahhahahahahah,Suicidal +17050,"I cannot afford health care, college, a car, or to survive on my own in general. I cannot get a job without being overwhelmed by every single thing. I have narcissistic parents and even my therapist cannot come up with ways to spin this anymore. I just got out of psych hospital 3 days ago and I am already prepared to go back. Maybe this is a sign its finally over. If I had a dollar for everytime my life got worse, Id actually be able to fix my problems",Suicidal +17051,"I am 18 yrs old and since 2018 suicide never really left my head To begin with when I went to high-school I lost a lot of friends due to the fact that I went to school far from the city I grew up.i ended up with no friends.in high-school my mother was the headmistress of the school so I never really knew if my classmates really wanted me as a friend or they wanted just because of the position of my mother.So I was 5/7 days of the weekend in that village my school was and the rest of the days I was with my father(my parents are divorced) I genuinely preferred him than my mother.I also had some bullies in the school .I never talked about them on the first year.So I got used to it and I did nothing.At least I had 2 new genuine friends.I really enjoyed spending time with them but to tell you the truth I never really liked that village as a place.Anyway at the end of the year I met an old friend and we started hanging out.That summer my friend from the school came to the city I live and we decided to hung all together.The same day when we were out i reconnected with 4 old friends.And we all connected(except the guy from my school)So 2 became 5 etc.At this point i was really happy and positive.2nd year of high-school began I had 2 friends in school and 5 friends in town.P.s my mother after the divorce had an affair but the 2nd year this guy went to live in France he was actually a good guy to me and to my mother he was more of a friend to me than a step-father and I did not really bother but when he left,my mother started an affair with his brother ffs. He was kind of okay but sometimes when my mum got angry with me(as always,there are many stuff that my mother did to me and my brother not all bad but that is for another story)he would play the father role to me and I hated it. I wanted to leave my mum to live her life without me, I do not know if I was a good son or a bad son. I tried to leave her alone(I eventually did this year and its painful for a mother) and I was thinking how she would take it.Thankfully covid-19 appeared(sorry for saying this)and I did not have to live in that place.I even held on better on my subjects.As you see i have not mentioned at all my love life in the story that is because I did not really have one as I avoided to make a relationship in that place cuz I hated it and I wanted to be far far away from it, its not that I could not make a relationship, as I rejected two girls not only because of the place but also due to my high standards(mostly the place though) On summer of the 2nd year one of my friends introduced me to a female friend of his.At first I did not really noticed her but when we met for a second time due to my lack of social skills she would make the talk andshe talked to me she was staring at me smiling and then I thought that she was just perfect. The next days I would always find ways just to meet. I felt like she was flirting with me as we were in a library and she placed sth with flowers on my head and she smiled then she placed it on her and I told her that she looks nice with it and she smiled again. She would ""randomly"" touch me i never found the courage to touch her in return.Anyway that was a nice moment for me but it ended up on rejection it was my 1st rejection as I never made the 1st move I have made only 3 relationships 1 rejection and I have rejected 5 girls(sometimes I would reject some girls because I was afraid)In 3rd year nothing happend due to covid-19 i did not have to go to that place and I even had more time to hang out with friends. At the end of that season(now) i had exams as well. I was not the best student even though my mother made it seem like I was . I never accepted it I did not want this to happen I did not want to give more reasons for my classmates to hate me. I did not even attend to my graduation ceremony because of this.So we come here to this day where I have my marks from my exams (these exams in my country are the key to a successful life) i have some options with the marks i got and I can get into a nice university.Problem is that in my love life I do not know what to do I.I do not know if I am ugly or sth but this year I find it really difficult to find love or even make new friends I feel awkward in the crowd I also I am scared of eye contact I do not know why I just cannot keep eye contact with someone over 5 seconds when I am in a crowded place I do not know where to look.I feel like I am such a weird kid.Even when something good is happening to me sth bad is getting it down. And that is when I felt like I do not want feel anything anymore shyness,awkwardness,abandoned.I have always planned to die without much pain i found a building that is very tall its the tallest building in my town but its a university and I do not want anyone to watch me dead and leave a traumatizing experience for him I also do not want my parents to feel like they failed. I just want for everyone to live their lives without bothering I ever existed I do not know if I ever do it but I am feeling really close I would give everything for a painless death",Suicidal +17052,"I have been feeling very depressed as of recently , and i literally just want to bash my head on a wall, I feel desperate, i need to get out of this place but there is nowhere to go, i want to rip my hair out and cease out of existence, its always like this for me, i have to live the same day over and over again and it gets fucking tiring , i have to start taking my meds again too and i really do not want to because, the feeling of feeling stable or better, is so strange and i hate it, its a fucking cycle i do not know what is wrong with me",Depression +17053,I was never this kind of person but life is to much. Done,Suicidal +17054,"Its like I am never not tired anymore, like my whole body is full of cement. No matter how much I sleep, I just want to sink back to the ground. How will anything change if I cannot get up I just want to sleep",Suicidal +17055,"I fucking try every single day but it is never enough for anyone. what is the fucking point of continuing on, when I am just a fucking burden and liability to everything and everyone. I am not even worth putting food inside my body, I will just starve myself. Of course nobody is going to read this, because I am not worth a fuck in this world. Being a perfectionist is a struggle, because everything has to be perfect in my eyes. I have to be always right, I always have to impress everyone, I always have to be the perfect one. I am just better off dead in a fucking ditch. what is the fucking point anymore?",Depression +17056,"My sister got married recently, and as many of us with depression may do when we attend a wedding, I have been ruminating on my life and proximity to my (hopefully) future wedding and coming out more sour than sweet. And the biggest punch in the gut is not that I have not found the right partner, but rather that I do not have a group of friends to make the day special with. I was my sister's maid of honor, and she had such a beautiful group of bridesmaids to spend the week with leading up to her wedding, who have been her friends for quite some time. And she and her partner had so many wedding guests to invite (even with a Covid-safe ceremony) that made the day feel so special. I am happy for her, but I have to admit I am also jealous. My depression has turned me into a recluse, and I struggle to name people who are close enough friends to stand by me at the alter on my wedding day, and how many people do I really know who would be excited to attend my wedding as guests?I know that weddings do not have to be huge ceremonies to be special, but I struggle to think of even a small group of people who would happily show up for me. Unfortunately many people in my family are toxic, and I do not have close friends, so thinking about my future wedding guest list is so stressful. What if I end up with a partner who wants to invite lots of people, and I have almost no one to invite? How sad will that be? I feel so pathetic. The hardest part of a wedding",Depression +17057,Mirrors suck. All they do is remind you of everything wrong with you. Fuck mirrors,Depression +17058,"I feel so incompetent, in terms of everything.Everyone always tells me that they all expect big things from me. I just keep pushing and pushing myself to show to my parents and family that I am a good daughter. I study hard, work two jobs, do so many extracurriculars. they are not satisfied.I do not know what anyone wants from me anymore. I feel like I have pushed myself to my limits but my parents say I can be better and more like other girls. I have been friends with this girl whose just been perfect for her entire life, Perfect grades, perfect extracurriculars, perfect everything, everyone under the sun loves her. she is great and she is a wonderful friend too, but god, I have been getting compared to her since I was three. I get compared to other friends too, whether it be grades, body, how they talk. College app season is coming up, so now I feel more like shit than ever, every turn I make I am doing something wrong according to my family.I cannot make friends anymore because I am scared my parents will just compare them to me. I am so tired.My mom always tells me to either be extraordinary or be nothing. I cannot be extraordinary. I am not extraordinary at anything. I am not good enough for her. I just want her to be proud of me. Sometimes she says she is going to kill herself because of me, she did less than an hour back. I do not know what to do or say. she is also said she will kill me and then herself. I have no fucking idea what I am supposed to say. Tell her to stop? Ask for help? I am stuck.My dad wants me to bridge the gap between us and says I need to respect her. I have been respecting her. I keep my head down, mouth shut, listen to what she says, and then just compartmentalize it until one day the damn breaks and I have a fucking breakdown like I am right now. I cannot push myself any further. I just want to the floor to swallow me whole. I have no drive for anything anymore.I am never enough for anyone, I am not enough for myself, and I just want to end things. I am sick of this feeling and it is not going away. I have no tears left to she would or anything left to do. I am so fucking stuck at this point it feels like the only way out is to just leave.Today, I was reading through my old stories that I wrote a year or two back. All I can think about is where all that passion and creativity went. I used to thrive off of writing stories and publishing them anonymously. I used to keep them hidden from my friends and family because I wanted my writing to be separate from them. From all the expectations and criticism.I cannot even formulate a story anymore. there is nothing left.I am doing everyone wrong. I do not have the energy to speak with anyone, friends, family, my own boyfriend who deserves so much better than someone who cannot find the energy to text them. I just feel drained and tired all the time, and all I want to do is fall back asleep and never wake up.And I lost the only two friends I ever had I could talk to about this because of issues between their parents and my parents. they have forgotten about me probably and I am glad they did. they are probably doing better without having to deal with me. I wrote them an apology today for being the person I was and not doing enough for them.I do not know what anyone wants from me. I just feel disoriented and tired. I do not know how to fix this except just go. Apologies if this is too long. I do not know what people want from me. I feel tired of it all.",Depression +17059,"My daughter who is about to turn 14 has always been different. She is diagnosed with being on the spectrum. She has social anxiety and a little learning disability. I held her back in the 3rd grade because she was reading well but since then took off. Gets mostly As, a few Bs. Socially though only a couple friends she has. She does not like being in crowds at all. does not like loud noises. We have adapted and things been really good. If you met her you would think she is a happy go lucky kid. She just started getting her period and it all went to hell. does not matter if she is on it or not she has gotten mean toward her sisters. She confided in me that she feels dead inside and is not happy, cannot feel joy. I asked her if she ever felt like hurting herself and she says no. I asked her if we can talk to someone about this and get help and she absolutely refuses and would never talk to me if I made her go talk to a doctor. Also made me swear to tell no one. Her Mom called me today (we are divorced) and told me she noticed changes in her and her lashing out at people. I do not know what to do, force her to go to counceling. She needs help. She needs to know how to deal with her feelings and that she does not have to feel this way. Any suggestions? I need some advice for my 14 year old daughter",Depression +17060,I am alone. I am always going to be alone. I cannot be loved and as a result I cannot love anymore either. I am an empty she will of a human. I do not remember what it is like to want to live.,Suicidal +17061,"I have transcended the depression.I have transcended the sadness.Now I am just bored with living. I regularly joke with my friends about swallowing a bullet. I have few things holding me to this world, and its an ever-shrinking list.I feel that the true end is near I am bored",Suicidal +17062,"I am pissed off I cannot kill myself because of my family. Why the fuck do people have to care? Why cannot they just find a new person to place their hopes in? Because of them, I have to live with this piece of shit life and this piece of shit person I am and pretend everythings fine. I would seriously do it. If I just could not see their faces during those last moments in my mind. I feel everyone is clinging to my ankles. My family is the ball and chain to this reality. I should consider myself lucky I even have people in my life that love me. But Love is just another burden to carry and It was a mistake to care for me. I will always hate myself and other people and this world. Just a waste of space, resources, energypotential. Just a shame. Why do some people care?",Depression +17063,The memories are too severe. I cannot stop screaming at night,Suicidal +17064,Sorry it is probably pointless to type here as this is my first reddit post. But I do not want anyone to think I will not be okay. But I just think I should not be involved in anyone's lives anymore all I do is ruin a good moment and take advantage of my friends. Worse part is I have basically a perfect life so I do not deserve to even be upset. Thank you for reading Ill be okay after I sleep I think. Friendship,Depression +17065,"I was sitting in my chair when I felt a sudden urge to release my flatulence, I then proceeded to do so, it was then suddenly followed by an extreme amount of projectile diarrhea. Ever since then, I have never been the same mentally, nor physically, because it destroyed my colon. I have been prescribed Zoloft, but it does not help with my depression caused by this situation. I think I am going to do it tonight...",Suicidal +17066,"I have never made a post. This is a wide arc for me, but something in me just wants someone else to know. I hate this fuck of a human that is me. I scream and beg whatever god is, almost daily, to just end it already. I have been diagnosed bipolar. And with every episode I have, it adds to the mountain of self hate. No shock, I grew up in a violent and horrible home. My bio father drowned when I was 9 months old. My mom was 19 and a disaster, mostly from her violent alcoholic upbringing, but also from his death. All our family holidays and vacations were filled with anger and violence. Mom and stepdad always fighting. I know some of what I am is because of that childhood, but more of me is worthless because of my own inability to understand, manage, treat or care for this depression in me that over time has turned to hatred. I hate myself for being unable to heal, unable to grow, unable to even kill myself. I am dependent on others even for that.Its all poison, and there is no one to tell. The sickness in me somehow wants to believe that this post is helpful in my healing, but that is shit. Its hard to honestly help someone you genuinely hate. It gives me claustrophobia to live with this fucker. I beg god to end me everyday",Depression +17067,"Like basically every night I think about whether or not I should do it and the main reason that I do not is that if I do not die I will probably go to the hospital and go to like a psych ward or something and I just do not want to go through that. But I also vaguely like the thought of trying and not actually dying. Would it be somehow cathartic to do something that almost definitely will not kill me but feels like I am killing myself just to see if I would do it? I used to live in a place where I could just off the building, but now my only real option is to take a bunch of pills. I collected a bunch of pills from around my house and have them in my room. I have a glass of water rn. I could take them. I do not think I want to die right now. Idk. Every single day feels exactly the same. Last time I made a real plan to do it, it felt final. That day I felt that feeling of *today, today, today* (I never actually attempted). I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen, for a day to feel different from the others so I can feel that feeling of finality, and just come upstairs and take all these pills. I guess if I actually wanted to do it, I would have stopped trying to do my schoolwork by now. I am so scared of attempting and not dying. It would make everything so much shittier. Risk of Not dying is the main thing stopping me",Suicidal +17068,*Sigh~* I was so naive... I wish I could be a kid again...,Suicidal +17069,"I have just started to realize that I am a super negative person. I always seem to see the bad in the world. I always assume the worst and spend most of my time preparing for the worst case scenario. I have friends and hang out with people outside of work, I am married and have a kid, but I struggle with meaningful relationships. I am starting to think I am just depressing I am going to see a therapist starting in August so I am hoping this will help me switch my mind set. Anyone else have this issue or used to think this way and have changed their way of thinking? Is it even possible? I do not even know why I am like this, feel like I do not have a whole lot to be negative about. Negativity - can you change your mindset?",Depression +17070,"At work and with friends I am known for being the funny, happy, fun loving chick but inside I am so depressed and at home I just want to sleep life away. I am married but we have problems because my husband does not work as he believes working for someone else is a waste of life so we have multiple start up businesses that are not going well, him and my family do not get along because of this so I have been distancing us and my family because I just cannot hear them arguing anymore. Everytime we fight as a couple or I hear him and my mother arguing I just want to die. I have prayed so many times to just die and asked god and the devil why they just will not take me. Everytime I feel like I am finally going to kill myself i pussy out right in the last second. I know my family is going to be heartbroken but I just cannot take it anymore. The only thing I will regret if I die is that my debt will go to my husband and family. Its been 3 years spending money on different courses and products trying to start my own successful business and honestly I am ready to give up on that too but I am trying so hard to keep going because people say it takes time but its killing me. I do not have the energy and strength to keep doing everything myself. Some days I am fine and happy but then others I just do not want to leave my bedroom and just want to pass away in my sleep. Its such a battle with myself and these days I think I am leaning more towards dying that living. I always back out last minute but maybe if I just fell off a bridge or ram my car into something I will die quickly and instantly Lost between living or dying",Suicidal +17071,"I was not sure who to share this sad truth with so I just decided to post it here. If I where to kill myself today, the only people who might actually care or be upset would be my parents and siblings. My suicide = only 4 unhappy people.",Depression +17072,"Nothing to say that everyone else already has not said, life going with no direct path. The thought inside my head telling me i are not good enough. All my problems resurfaced, no running away from the fact. The harder i try the harder it gets, the more i struggle, the harder it is to breathe. Everyday is nothing, every sleepless nights spent dwelling on the past. Cycle after cycle it never changes, never stops. Pain increasing, no where to go. Only my end is in sight, nothing more or less. My life is nothing more than a terrible dream i cannot wake from. cannot find a reason to care anymore.",Suicidal +17073,Literally every advice ever these days on the internet is to get therapy. Was wondering if it actually worked for anyone here Did therapy ever work for you?,Depression +17074,I am not sure if I am living anymore or just taking up space. I wish I could find a purpose. Something... Anything to give myself a meaning to being alive. I know I should not be thinking such dark thoughts but I cannot help it anymore. Just let me drown for once. Let me fall apart. Stop caring for me just because I do not seem ok anymore. Truth is I have not been for a while. I have been holding onto every last thread within reach. I am TRYING TRUST ME I AM. but it hurts to breathe... do not you get it? IT HURTS.... so fking badly.... can someone just... pls ... hold me... bc i cannot anymore... floating.,Depression +17075,Idk what to do I feel like I am going crazy. I am so conflicted in my head. My physical symptoms have gone away of anxiety but in my head Its always going. I keep asking myself these big questions like purpose of life and what is the meaning of life. I do not like it and it makes me more anxious. I do not do much other than work because its summer break so I hope its just something that will go away once I go to college in a month and start doing more Feel like I am going crazy,Depression +17076,by other peoples accounts what I went through was not that traumatic but I have been in a basically constant dissacociative state for 3 years and even therapists do not know what to do with me I am just a lost because it feels like. I just want out of this so badly. this feels like hell and the agarophobia was just worsened by covid so I can barely go outside to talk to my friends now. I want a break from all the panic attacks and anxiety and it does not feel like it is going to ever get better I already feel like a ghost,Suicidal +17077,"My psychiatrist basically asked me ""What do you want me to prescribe you"" so I am in this alone, she is not informed on any of the meds she has prescribed me. She gave me Olanzapine and did not mention Parkinsons or disfigurement -- and told me there is no scientific evidence magnesium helps with depression. Lol. Rant aside, I want to get off this thing -- everywhere I look it says decrease marginally but she insisted on every other day. Do you have any experience with mirtazipine? Can I wean off Mirtazipine 7.5 by taking one every other day? Not getting help from psychiatrist need community support",Depression +17078,"My life has been hard and full of abuse, and I realize looking back, neglect. The one thing that always bright me joy was creating art. But not anymore. Not it feels so pointless, like I am putting time and effort into something that does not even matter. I am not that good of an artist and I would I am this alone and have no one, because those who should love me only want to use me out hurt me or make everything about themselves? It does not matter. I have no rain to paint because I have no reason to keep going Art feels pointless now",Depression +17079,"i have no friends, my town is nothing but a big shopping mall, but i have no money, and the only things there are are a little river, and a fucking kids playground. i have no friends, my parents are distant and they are both equally bad (mom acts more like a teenager than a 14 year old married mom, dad keeps yelling at me for shit, and keeps telling me shit i do not understand), I have got eating problems but instead of my parents getting healthy shit and no treats, they just keep fucking yelling at me, and giving me no help. All there is to do is try to change but fail, and go back to my room and sit on this fucking rectangle screen thing called a phone. I wish i was born homeless but with one solid parent, or in a shitty house, with shitty parents, but with a small compact neighborhood with tons of shit to do and a few good, active people. But instead, i ended up with shitty uninvolved parents, a boring neighborhood, and no friends. I am just a fat piece of shit with nothing to do, living a meaningless boring life. I am not brave enuf to slit my throat, but i wish i could just be shot, or poisoned in my sleep. i want someone to mug me and shoot me in the head",Suicidal +17080,i do not think ill ever feel better I am doing good academically and all of that but i still feel so sad inside about everything. i honestly thought it was because of school but its not. i miss him and ik we broke it off over a fucking month but I am still feeling so empty on the inside and i felt like this even before. its not even fucking about him. i just feel horrible all the fucking time i do not know how much more i can take ! miserable,Depression +17081,"I can feel the weight of my existence collapsing my lungs. I can feel my anxiety percolating from the pit of my stomach to the farthest reach of spine, eating my ability to breathe away.I am dying. I can feel ever little piece of my mind like my cells degenerating over time. My spirit is on fire, but not of passion but of terror & torment. I try to run from myself; distract myself with projects and errands. Things that make me feel ""useful"", to make me feel like I am ""accomplishing my goals"". But the truth is I am going in circles. No matter how much I accomplish I find my self broke, in debt, in disgrace, in shame.The truth is I am stuck, and my feet are in quicksand. And when the fear shoots up, I try to resist & fight it, but it pulls into it further. I am 27 years old and I am going nowhere fast. I am failing, I am failing in life. I am failing myself. I fail everyday, it is the illusion of progress.People tell you shit like ""you are learning"" or ""you are growing"", but the truth is that is the last thing I am doing. I am just coming up short, failing. Finding new ways to disappoint myself.I live a quiet life of desperation and it kills me. I try praying, scratching, clawing to get a modicum of ""air"", of life. But I come up short every time.I am not living, I am not even existing at this point, I am just suffering for the sake of suffering, and the worst part is I cannot let go of the part that is trying to give it all greater meaning. I am tired of being here, yes I might get out of this funk, but I will be back here again like I always do, and that is the problem; nothing REALLY changes.I am tired of fighting to live for a life that is kills me everyday.I would rather fadeaway then burn out. Because this fire has no grace, no dignity, and no mercy. I am staring at oblivion and I want to to fade away, because burning out is not better.",Depression +17082,"I have had depression my whole life. Tried every medication. Prayer. Church. Counseling. Nothing works. Recently went through something is that have left me completely broken. It hurts to breathe. And I am so tired of being hurt and in pain. I am sure 100% I want to die because I do not want to continue suffering anymore. I have no desire to live. The problem is I cannot seem to find a way that is quick and not traumatic. I have been physically abused a lot and I get horrible anxiety when I am afraid and anything harmful to myself is scary and sends me into panic mode. So jumping off my balcony, hanging myself or cutting my wrists is not an option for me. I have tried to take like 24 Percocets hoping Id fall asleep and never wake up. But I woke up. I guess it was not enough. And I do not have access to any more pills. I wish there was just a way to disappear and it be done. Anyone one else stuck in this position. Life is over but you cannot find a way to leave or do not have the courage to do anything traumatic. I want to die but I cannot find the courage to kill myself",Suicidal +17083,"In the past, you all have seen me post about him. I will not mention who HE is just tell you more about what has been going on. I am at an age in my life where, I am trying to simplify my life. I am 61. HE is 94. Living with a 94 year old is not easy in ANY sense of the word. Now, I have said in the past that I realize he is set in his ways at this age but, so am I. I normally would not care because of that very reason. But, he is not nice about it. I generally keep silent because, I respect my wife. Truthfully, I respect him too. But, lately I am starting to get the feeling he does these annoying little things just because he knows I hate them. He turns off ceiling fans all the time saying that, no one is in the room so, why should they be on? Oh, I see! But, it was alright during the winter months when, YOU left those electric heaters blasting with no one in the room, right? Right before we moved in, his central heat/air shit the bed. None of us could afford to get a new system so, we bought window a/c units. now, in order to cool off the entire house all three units (including the one in HIS room) need to be going full blast at the same time. But, he constantly turns off the a/c claiming he is cold. Maybe he is. But, cannot you put on a fucking sweater until the place cools off awhile? No, he cannot. There is also a doggie door on the back screened in porch which, our dog gets good use out of. When, HE is out there with the cat, he props the fucking door open constantly! it is summer in the south so, the bugs are crazy. Then, he leaves the porch door to the house OPEN so, the bugs get in the house and, the cold air from the living room unit goes right out. Maybe a person would have to be present to understand, the way he does things. It seems like he goes out of his way to be inconsiderate! Then, he hides behind the innocent old man routine. If I say something, it is always like this...he will turn to his daughter and go, I guess I did the wrong thing. Congratulations, you are now the world's oldest martyr. Maybe I make too much out of things but, I suspect I am right about this. I keep silent because, I do not want to start trouble but, it depresses the shit out of me. Thanks for reading my rant. Love to all. A Dick about EVERYTHING!",Depression +17084,"Idk how many of you there are, but not a lot, I am sorry that I have to do this, but trust me, I am better as a memory, I am manipulative, i use people, indecisive, forgetful, literally any bad qualities, I have them. I love you guys, goodbye Anyone I know irl, ill make notes for you all before i do it",Suicidal +17085,I am not sure how much longer I can last. I always was a fighter but I think the straw has broken the camels back. Where do I go from here? I think its getting close to that time for me to make the decision. The trauma is too great. People fucking suck. And I cannot burden these feelings on my friends. I really tried my best,Suicidal +17086,"I am being kicked out of my house by my parents once I turn 19 this January because I do not want to go to college yet. I told them I wanted to take a break from school since it stresses me out and gives me more anxiety but they still want me to go. They have told me that I will be paying for my own insurance and basically everything and I do not even know what to do. And my messed up head keeps telling me that the easiest way out is to kill myself.I know that I have people who care about me. I know people love me. My parents love me, even though they are homophobic and I have not come out to them yet. My boyfriend loves me, even though I have not told him that I want to transition to male. My best friend loves me even though it is hard for me to open up to him.But there is that small part in me that does not give a fuck that they love and care about me. I can be selfish all I want, I have been trying all my life to be as selfless as I can. I do not care that you want me to live. I do not want to live and I want to do whatever the fuck I want, even if that means taking my own life to end this shitty cycle.I have always been suicidal. Just not actively. When I was younger I always thought about situations in which I died. It carried on to where I am now and I cannot go a few hours without thinking about suicide. Everything reminds me of death when I look at it - my bathtub, the neighbor's firepit, the train station, my own fucking car, my antidepressants, fuckI tried killing myself once before but the girl I loved saved my life and I regret never talking to her since. I hope you are okay out there, wherever you are.God, if you are reading this, if there is a god, please take me. I am sorry I am being kicked out",Suicidal +17087,My life has been at a standstill for a while and I have been bullied in my own home by other tenants.I am seriously considering committing murder and then ending myself.I will not let my honour nor my life be joked around with.They already succeded in making me feel like a piece a shit and sharing my secrets.I will take them all with me.I am only a teenager.Fuckin Scum. I now realise what I have to do.,Depression +17088,Artist struggling with life. Not sure what I am looking formaybe just conversation or someone willing to talk with. Any advice? Feeling alone,Depression +17089,My life has been at a standstill for a while and I have been bullied in my own home by other tenants.I am seriously considering committing murder and then ending myself.I will not let my honour nor my life be joked around with.They already succeded in making me feel like a piece a shit and sharing my secrets.I will take them all with me.Fuckin Scum. I now realise what I have to do.,Suicidal +17090,it gets too much sometimes. I am tired of the pain. it never gets better i wish i could just forget about all the traumatic experiences I have had that shape who i am today,Depression +17091,"I just turned 38 and did 100 miles on my bike on my birthday. It was the 2nd time I have done it, I did it once last year, I broke my record from last year by 2 hours, I was not sore at all after. I am 9 years sober, I have been lifting weights at home for 7 off those years. I look like Jean Claude Van Dam. People hear this and think I am fit and active and have friends. Truth is I feel more and more isolated the harder I work. I just lost a relationship because she was a drinker and would ditch me to drink, with her friends. My friends have all drifted away and nobody invites me out because I am sober. I am not a fitness freak, I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day if I have the money. I do not fit in with cyclists, I go at my own pace in gym shorts and tennis shoes. I do not go to the gym because I wreak like cigarettes. I am a jacked lonely crazy person that cannot get help. I have visible abs for the first time in my life because I have been going on 7+day fasts, playing with the idea of starving myself to death. Christmas 2020 I put a Facebook post up and shoveled 4 complete strangers driveways because. With the way I pushed myself with drugs and alcohol and with the way I am pushing myself with fitnessI feel like I cannot die. I am a beast. I have been horribly depressed most of my life and just had a huge life falling out panic attack. All I want is to die before I hate myself more. I am a 38 year old man and in the best shape of my life due to crippling depression",Depression +17092,"I have been bullied out of my last school, and now I am stuck without enrolment into any others, plus the one i really wanted to go to, I said to no to that because of my fickled and impulsive mind, I am in a dead end, I do not see any other way of getting out other than to take myself out... I have no other school options left...",Suicidal +17093,"As in on the earth, everyone I have been with or thought were my friends turn out to seriously hate me when I cannot think for the life of me what I did wrongI get called annoyed, ghosted and promised plans that never go through I never ask for anything back, but I would have to pay back a pack of gumand my bf drunkenly called me the wicked witch of the west because of my side profile and tells me to fuck off when I try to tell him why I am upset (its not even at him , I am just getting angry at how he responds, like I am attacking him) when I am just trying to let him know how much it hurts or even just when I apparently ask to many questions , or even try to start a convo and he says he does not care about what I have to talk about, I think he lies about work to spend time away from me( another story, hes a truck driver and says hell be gone a night then changes it to I dk) when he comes back he just wants to partysex is basically non existent even tho I constantly initiate and he says I do not , and I know hes not cheating I have total trust in him and share a phone plan so I would be able to see who he contacts he just gets home late and is too tired but when there is free time hes rather be with friends when he would spend all of his time with me its just been a constant stream of disappointment and ,mental, verbal abuse my whole life and its always been my lifes motto to be kind to others because I do not want people to feel like how I feel so I literally do not understand why everyone seems to hate meI started a new job and got let go in 3 weeks because a few co workers did not like me even though I never had a conversation with them and make it super uncomfortable at work so I would call in. I know I am not asking for much but I just do not know how much longer I can hold onI never feel like I belong with anyone , or anywhere and I am tired of people loving me until my BPD is triggered and they realize how much work is needed..even though all I ask is that they tell me things and do not hide things and they do not even have to talk or take it personally just sit there and hold me and tell me you actually appreciate me, and most importantly do not hold it against me no one is ever going to love me like I love them Why am I even here?",Depression +17094,"I was dumb and thought that I did not need therapy (I was still taking all my meds like I am supposed to I just stopped talk therapy). But it has gotten soo fucking bad. I have been taken out of work for a month by my MD because of my anxiety and chronic depression. I have been trying to make an appointment with my therapist but every day they have been booked or going out of town for a week. I just need something, someone. So if you have any recommendations for no commitment virtual therapy until I can get an appointment with her that would be really nice. I looked into better help but I have heard sketch things. If you have taken the time to read all this, thank you. Would greatly appreciate any suggestions at all No therapist",Depression +17095,"They just said that on my face. Oh well Ill do it, I do not want to be a burden to you. I know I am useless and sits in my room all day but you should not say those words to me. It hurts and you never understood how it felt to be me. I might be afraid to do this but Ill do it anyways. You always blamed me for not being a good child. You say that you love me but you do not. I am sorry I cannot prepare for any exams to get into uni. I am not mentally prepared for it and its really hard for me to do it. I know if I will not do it, I will not have a bright future. Ending it all is the only way for me rn. My parents want me to be dead. I think I am going to end it all",Suicidal +17096,I am sick of being treated like a lesser being because I am not torturing myself in this society because I refuse to live in horrendous conditions: unless my existence is dedicated to working then I will never have money and if I do dedicate to only working all the time then I will never be happy so what is the point? Where am I supposed to feel ashamed for denying this kind of life?...everything sucks If society says I do not deserve anything because I refuse to work myself to mental death for absolutely nothing to make up for it in return then I am happy to sign out,Suicidal +17097,"I just cannot, so exhausted So tired",Suicidal +17098,"that is it. I do not have friends anymore. My last friend got away from me when my depression got really bad last month. One by one my friends drifted apart from me when I was suffering.I never had a meaning for any of them. I feel alone. I wish I could obsess over something and not care about being alone. But it hurts. I wish I had someone to talk about random stuff.I am on antidepressants right now and the dose was increased so I am feeling a little numb, not as depressed and suicidal as I was last week.I do not know what to do. I know no one is going to read this nor reply to this either. I do not even know why I am writing here. I am just crying for help. I do not have any friends.",Depression +17099,I am just tired. i lost my dog 3 weeks ago and just lost my cat today. deep down I am not doing well but when I am at work i try to be happy and enjoy my time there and earn money but when I am alone with my thoughts its the complete opposite. i just wish i could go back to 2009. that is all i ever wish. every night i just want to go back so bad. I am just tired. i do not understand how people do it at all i do not understand how people can push through life,Depression +17100,"Hi. Thanks for reading this. I am 21F. I just failed my first year of college because I missed too many assignments. It was the result of a mixture of things including learning being entirely online and my lack of motivation. I had a meeting with an advisor who asked me flat out, ""is this the right life path for you right now?"" to which I replied, ""I do not know but I do not have a choice either way."" To explain, before I came to university halls I lived with my parents in a one bedroom apartment. I slept in their living room for a year after I had to drop out of college the first time. This is my second stab at it. I know they say third time's the charm but this is getting ridiculous now. I dropped out the first time for mental health issues. I have failed this year for the same reason. I knew I probably was not ready for university yet, but all I could think about was getting out of my parents' house. It was the easiest route to take in order for that to happen. My mother's a hoarder, and both of my parents are emotionally unavailable and have a history of being abusive.Living alone, I fair much, much better mentally but still not at a functioning level. If I am dysfunctional living alone, then living with my parents I am actively suicidal. I have attempted before under their roof. I could not even tell them about it. I called the ambulance myself and left in it without them even waking up. I have had friends' parents pick me up off of overpasses and asking me ""why are not your parents out looking for you?""The thing is the dream of getting away from abuse is not all rosy. Once you are away from it, you need to know how to function and I cannot do that. I do not think I am good enough at anything to do a degree in anything. I have tried three different fields. I hate myself to my absolute core. I hate my apathy regarding my life and everything around me. I hate my laziness and my seemingly inability to just be a responsible adult. I feel like a child. I do not feel like I ever had the opportunity to be a kid in my abusive household and now I have to fend for myself like I have been doing my whole life. I am tired. I just want it to stop. My situation rn is dire. My bank balance is in the negatives and by the end of the month I will have nowhere to live. I have applied for jobs and am hoping to hear back. Financial benefits even if I did qualify for them will not even cover the rent in the area where I live. I do not know what to do. It is looking likely I will have to move back home temporarily for two months (and know full well I will be actively suicidal for that time) and then try to repeat the year.My advisor is worried this is not the right life path for me, but I do not have the money to live alone right now outside of studying. I am relying heavily on my student loan which will be paid in September to get me by. I am an idiot so do not have savings. I have been disassociated for days and just feel trapped. I wish I was just good enough to do this degree and be responsible. I wish I could take care of myself. I am a bad person and I have hurt so many people so I do not even have any friends right now besides my best friend. I deserve to die. I have nothing to live for. There is not hope. I wish I could just have help and I guess for most people that comes from their parents but I just cannot. I do not have that. I am 21 and need to fend for myself and I cannot even do that properly.I do not know what I enjoy or what I am good at which makes making any decision impossible. it is why school was great for me. I got told what to do. Ever since I left, I have had absolutely no clue what to do with my life. I know it sounds stupid but it is so scary being an adult and I do not know how to do it. I turned 21 just this month and I do not feel any older than 17. I am not sure how to move forward. I do not expect anyone to know either. I guess I am just looking for support. I do not know how I can go on.Thanks for reading. 21F college student at a loss of how to move forward",Suicidal +17101,"I have smoked enough to where ik i probably will not feel it, time to down a bottle or two of whiskey, and a couple bottles of ritalin.Goodbye, Everyone. Tonights the night",Suicidal +17102,"New medication. Therapist going fine. Walking an hour a day. kind of doing everything.My therapist told me it seems that depression has become my purpose. And it is true. I have no point in living. I spend money and do not feel anything. I save money for what reason? To buy property? cannot do it in my hometown. cannot move either. cannot make more money at my job because I hate it.Women? My looks suck. Women do not like me. I can talk and carry a convo but my depression or looks scare them off. Which is fair. Suicide? Thought of it. A lot of ideation but nothing serious. I am just ... tired. I want to run to the end of my lifespan and die. I do not want to go through it anymore. If I could have a button and fast forward my life to the eventual last few hours, I am not saying I would click it but I would hang onto it as an option.I do not want to do this anymore. I am so alone. I feel nothing. Life sucks. And I cannot die. My Life Is Meaningless",Depression +17103,"24M here, long story but Ill try to summarize. These thoughts have only come recently. Mom passed away three years ago, brother has serious drug addiction of about five years and it took a serious toll on our mom and now only our dad because he lives in the same area as him and has been trying to help him the entire time with rehab and finances etc.I have not seen my dad or brother or any family for almost a year now. My brother hurts me emotionally any time we try and reconnect and it sucks but I do not blame him because I cannot imagine how hard overcoming an addiction would be.In this case, I just got a new job at a neurofeedback clinic for sports psychology, long story. Its finally an office job I have wanted for a long time using my bachelor of psychology degree, but just one week and realizing I am uninterested and unmotivated. I do not want to take clients without giving my all. This job can help beef up my resume for next year but its so hard for me to read so much about something that is not my passion. I do not like where I live either and have been trying to move for about 3 years but could not because I did not get accepted to grad school this year. I am blessed to have a loving girlfriend who pushes me so hard to be the best I can be but sometimes a little too hard to the point where I am not happy. Like yelling at me in arguments and getting really mean sometimes, forcing me to work full time to save up when I have an alright amount saved already (I am really resourceful). I understand my position is much better than many people out there and I am sorry for being ungrateful. The only reason I have not ended is because I know it would hurt those around me too much and it would be selfish. Please let me know what I should do, thank you.Tldr: have not seen family in a year, girlfriend is really mean sometimes but wants the best for me, no interest in a career path, the idea of working a 9-5 job full time for a year with low pay is extremely stressful to me Lost and Alone",Suicidal +17104,"that is it. I do not have friends. My last friend got away from me when my depression got really bad last month. One by one drifted apart from me when I was suffering.I never had a meaning for any of them. I feel alone. I wish I could obsess over something and not care about being alone. But it hurts. I wish I had someone to talk about random stuff.I am on antidepressants right now and the dose was increased so I am feeling a little numb, not as depressed and suicidal as I was last week.I do not know what to do. I know no one is going to read this nor reply to this either. I do not even know why I am writing here. I am just crying for help. I do not have any friends",Depression +17105,"Hey everyone, firstly thanks to anyone that takes the time to read this. Things are not the best in my head currently. For about 3 weeks I cannot go 15 minutes (not exaggerating.) without thinking of suicide. Not just typical ways either, twisted ways of doing it. I do not think I am going to act on them and I do not even want to die either. Its just becoming too much, constantly thinking of it is slowly killing me inside day by day. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 22nd and just want to know if telling her that will get me committed or not? I am going to tell her but would like to know if anyone has any insight. Also, if anyone has any advice please share. Thank you. Will I be committed?",Suicidal +17106,"I am 16 and AsianI just do not want to go to school and I cannot know exact reasonI skipped cram school(or after school math class or academy or whatever it is called), and I am wandering in internet cafe doing nothing, I cannot know why I should study if I am going to end up quitting school and every academic shits due to my mental unhealthiness and sensitiveness to other people's view, I am too asocial to act normally and get a life.I just cannot stop being obsessed with what people think about me, my parents do not understand me at all, I do not know what the fuck should I do, I do not know why the fuck should I do something, I am just confused and hate doing everything, I do not know what am I doing with my life.I moved school because there was a brat talking shit about me behind my back and my mind was too fragile to stand that, I have had a light spasm due to stress since then, I am listening same music, seeing same things, doing same things every day, I feel like I stopped in somewhere, I cannot go on anymore, I cannot know what the fuck is wrong with me, neither can people around me, I just cannot go back to my routine, I cannot even count how many times I tried to run away from social anxiety, I hate girls because I feel like all the girls hate me and giggle around me, I just hate people, I got nothing but social anxiety from social activities, fuck everything, I became so skeptical about human relations and everything, including relations with my closest friends, there are lots of things more than I wrote here that make me feel shitty but cannot think of it right now, I cannot stop fucking up everything, getting bad grades due to attention span of the level of infant, being too lazy to get a single thing done right, feeling bad about the fact that I fucked up and disappointed others again, society just will not let me run away from it, I fear people and I hate myself for being unable to do a single thing properly due to social anxiety, fuck everything I do not know what the fuck am I doing with my life",Depression +17107,Just sat in my backyard and let it all out. I got soaking wet but I needed that. Does the pain ever end ? cried in the rain,Depression +17108,"A little background: I finally found a seasonal job serving a few years back that granted me the most financial security I would ever had. I paid off my debts. I bought a new car. I was planning to save up for a house. I thought I was a good server. I was personable with the guests, always on time, rarely called in, and wanted to work nights. I thought I was valued.Then covid hit and we shut down like everyone else. When things reopened, we had reduced our seating in half, so they did not bring back all the servers yet. The season came and went. I ended up working for a friend at her local business for the rest of the summer and made ends meet through Uber in the winter.As the next season came around, my job brought back all the remaining servers... Except four. Obviously, I was one of them.I called my lead and she explained that she ""could not"" tell me WHY I was not picked to come back. She said I was one of her favorites because I was reliable and worked evenings. Then, as the season got into full swing, there was talk of adding more seats. And then they put up applications for new servers. Some co-workers suggested I reapply, but my thought was, ""they have still got four of us on furlough, they can call us.""They never did. ..Now, I am just bitter. My best friend just posted pictures from her 5-year Pinning Ceremony and I want to be happy for her... But my 5-years should have been in 2020. I was denied what I saw as a career, or at least a means to reach some long-term financial goals. I loved my job. I loved my co-workers. We were a family. And then someone in management decided my future for me. For reasons I never got to know. And now I struggle to tell my best friend ""congratulations,"" when I really feel bitterness instead. And that makes me feel like a horrible person. I just my job and the security of my future thanks to covid. I am struggling with grief, bitterness, and depression and I do not know how to let it go.",Depression +17109,"I do not want to be on this earth anymore. I am sick of trying to uphold my relationships right now. I am sick of trying to push down my anger. I am sick of dealing with my family. there is nothing left for me to live for. I do not have a friend mentally stable enough to reach out to. I feel guilty when I talk to my friends. I do not want to grow old. I am 18, and I do not look forward to the future. I have already had health problems and I do not want to face the cancer, or the wrinkles, or the arthritis that I know will come along with aging. I do not want to see what my future is like, because this feeling is inescapable and I know that I will always be miserable. the only thing my future has to offer for me is an apartment in NYC that is too expensive, a cat that I bought that I am sort of afraid of, and weeks, months, years, of this horrible feeling. I do not want to live to see that.there was tragedy that put me in this place, but there have been some extremely lucky things that have happened to me recently. my full ride scholarship. my escape to college this fall. I thought Id be happy for once. bur the momentary relief was just that. momentary. I cannot afford a therapist on my own, and believe me when I say I have fucking tried to talk to my parents about getting one. hopefully university this fall will have good outreach.I do not know why I am typing this. I just feel so alone. and I am sick of being alive. I do not want to see the future. future",Depression +17110,They would put me away. cannot afford that so I guess Ill shut up. If I told someone how I felt,Suicidal +17111,"I already made the decision to kill myself tomorrow, I plan on calling my close friends and my boyfriend and sending some goodbye messages to, I am scared I will regret it in the middle and make others worry for nothing. I cannot take this pain anymore and I already made the decision, but if I said I am not a little bit scared I would be lying. I just want to rest in peace, tomorrow is my final day, I did not have such a bad life, I just missed my chances and took the wrong choices what lead me to this day. I am sorry for hurting everyone around me, I am so sorry Scared but decided",Suicidal +17112,"I posted this to another sub and someone called me immature and a big fat loose for seeking validation on internet so my decision to die seems the right one. it is clear to me after 8 years that I am stuck in the same situation. I will never try to do anything, to find a job or relationship or a house to live alone. I will never become independent not because I cannot but because I do not want to. I want to stay with my mom forever, alone with my books in my room like a teen and go out only with her. I cannot take responsibilities, I cannot make decisions not because I am stupid but they make me feel so anxious and panicked and I do not know how to manage this. I still remember 8 years ago when I tried to rent a house to stay alone twice and I panicked too much and in the end I cancel it. I still remember how I felt 10 years ago when I attempted to live alone in another city for studies and how depressed and alone I was. The furnitures my parents bought are still haunted me whenever I see them in my grandma's house. And maybe I was 18 years old and I had to deal with a very difficult situation in my house but I am still unable to take action.My situation does not make me happy, I feel bored, I want to do something different and exciting but I cannot. I cannot even think to live as an adult, to have a romantic relationship or a stable job because I am afraid of all the conflicts that may occur. Maybe these things have to offer me exciting things but I am aware that as more you expose yourself and take responsibilities you have also more problems to deal with. And I had enough problems in my life already.Some may think that I am immature or spoiled or sheltered and the last two I believe that are true but I am not immature at all. This maybe is the problem that I do not get never excited because I overanalyze things and try to see all the different perspectives. People around me rent houses without second thought, say lies thst they have experience to take a job and generally grab chances without thinking it a lot. Even if they do wrong they do not punish theirselves and they do not feel bad if in the process they treat unfairly some people. I cannot even sleep thinking all my past wrong decisions, I am not able to say a lie even for the most unimportant thing. I am unable to deal with anything or to put it correctly I cannot deal with my feelings. Even when someone hear sent me a private message I get panicked, I do not know how to react and I think of that all the time. I can start a conversation when I am too desperate and I know that maybe I will not be alive long enough but sooner or later I start to fear that someone is going to harm me or discover or harass me etc. This is probably the main problem I am so afraid of everything and even if I fight it and try to make steps in the end I always go back to my parents security even if it is toxic. And I feel relieved and I can sleep at nights but I also feel so desperate and empty. it is not my fault that I feel this way. My father is a negative person and make me feel afraid of the works and people because he always showed me the worst case scenario. My mom tried to protect me and give me moments of entertainment and not let him spread his negativity but she is also a victim and a depressed person and life was not easy for her. Our life in general was not never easy many bad incidents happened to our family, put of out control and these made my father even more convened for his worldview. I do not know what is wrong with me, is my traumas, my ocd, my social anxiety? Do I have the Peter pan syndrome and I want to stay child forever? Am I autistic and that is why I find the world so terrified? Is my county and how unorganized and corrupted everything is here that make me feel so desperate? I feel like my life has an expire date. I do not know if I commit soon or no but I know that when my mom dies this will be my end also. Maybe I will end everything sooner because there is no point I feel so miserable and I just waste money. Therapy and medication never were helpful on the contrary the made everything worse. I waste so much time in this crap and also in fortune telling seeking desperately an answer but now I realize that everything is b*llshit. I hate myself that still believe in something higher either is the God or something else because this enabling my ocd and I still try to make decision with random ways not with my mind. I will never move forward",Suicidal +17113,"There are many nights when I put the barrel of my gun in my mouth and cry, but I have yet to get the courage to suck it up n pull the trigger. I wish I was not such a coward I am a coward",Suicidal +17114,"I am to much of a people pleaser which makes me judge myself really hard. That I am turn makes me extremely depressed and it then makes me want to end it all because Ill never be good enough. I also play the comparison game all the time. there is this girl at my job who is extremely attractive and everyone likes her. I wish that where me. I know Ill never be pretty like her, but I wish I where. I am scared I might actually end up harming myself one day. I almost succeeded last time. I took a bunch of pills, but for some reason I did not die. I think that is a sign, but it does not seem any better now that I have lived through it. I am really scared",Suicidal +17115,"I am 15 years old, very lonely and lost.I have never had an actual friendship, my family does not really like me, I utterly hate my body and now I am expected to choose what I want to do for the rest of my life.in kindergarten, I already did not have many friends. I had one best friend.it is always been like this. when I was 7, I had no friend and I felt like my parents did not love me, so i planned on running away. but my mom found the letter I had prepared for them and just told me it was bad to do that. I recall being disappointed that she did not care more. when I was 10, i had enough of not having any friend. so I tried to change. I had decided to repress my queerness (transidentity). I thought it would make me normal and this way I could finally fit in.it did not work I was too much of a tomboy in their eyes.when I was 12, I made radical changes. I was about to enter middle school, i decided to be exactly like the others. i hated the person I became.at 14, I changed school. I do not really have friends, just people I hang out with. I started feeling a bit more comfortable with myself, and I ""discovered"" i was actually trans again, with all the cool stuff that goes with it. like gender dysphoria, coming out or even considering to repress it again so I would finally feel more comfortable in my body.ppl keep telling me I am a pretty girl, but I am going to make an ugly man.I know it is dumb. my existence is pathetic.I do not have any future, and if I keep living I know I am just going to be depressed. if I kill myself, I could make my kin sad (I at least hope they would be) and I would not have to worry about the future anymore.my life was pretty easy though. my parents are still together, I am doing great in school, I have never had a traumatic experience. I am just to sensitive. I am too weak for this world. and who would be sad if I die ?I kind of feel bad for wasting a stranger's time. but thanks for reading <3 I am too weak I guess",Suicidal +17116,I have (32) been on anti-depressants and anxiety meds for 2 1/2 years now and seeing a therapist twice a month. In all honesty it should have been much earlier but just now trying desperately to get a handle on my mental health. I want to talk to my family about it but do not want this to weigh on them or become a burden/worry about me. My wife and BiL (also bipolar) are the only ones who know. How do you tell someone that you do not feel emotions? You do not experience joy or pain. you are just numb. To everything and everyone. You do not want to kill yourself but you do not want to exist. That life has become a cycle of just getting through days. That simple things like getting out of bed are sometimes the hardest fucking thing ever. How do you explain depression to someone that has never experienced these feelings?,Depression +17117,"Is there a point to life? I find myself struggling to see past working 40+ hours a week, coming home exhausted, eating, showering, sleeping then repeating. There seems to be no other point to life then just work until you die. Oh stay for the little moments I am not staying for a 1% moment out of 100%. that is just fucking stupid. Sorry but I am not going to slave my life away to a cooperation for absolutely nothing in return. No thanks. Is there an actual point?",Suicidal +17118,"I turned 22 this year and it is been horribly rough for me these last few years. Kicked out. No job. Barely any money. Living alone. Family uses me only for errands and treats me horribly. To top it off, last year my friend group of over 10+ years removed me from the group. They turned abusive towards me and I could not break away because I did not want to be alone but I finally did. They blamed all their issues on me and I had to move on from them which was the hardest thing I have ever done. Seeing my best friend turn into the main abuser really hit to close to home for me. It mentally scarred me and still affects me. Since then I met a new group online however they were a tiny bit younger than me and it all went to shit because inner drama within them. Now I have a few left and those few are beginning to start being assholes and hurt me again. I do not know what is wrong with me. I let these people hurt and abuse me and I am a punching bad for them. I have no social skills and fuck up any type of interaction because I am so used to people hurting me and nothing I say matter. I crave happiness. I want a restart and I cannot have one. I want to meet a girl. Have a family, have friends in real life who want me around, have family members who want me around. I do not know what to do anymore because I feel like a she will of nothing. Nothing anyone says to me matters anymore. My life went from horrible to decent to horrible again and I cannot break this cycle.",Depression +17119,"I have always grown up with high expectations. Up until college, it seemed like everyone was my friend. But I have successfully achieved killing my ego.I was diagnosed with social anxiety last year. I fake every conversation I have. If I talk to more than one person at a time it feels like I am having a heart attack.I realized I am about as average as it gets. I have distanced myself from everyone. I have one friend. I have realized that my disappearance will not matter as much as I thought. Only my parents would be sad but they would get over it. I have no goals career-wise and would rather be homeless than sit in an office 9 hours a day. Id say I am about 90% committed to putting a gun in my mouth tonight I have had a few drinks tonight so sorry if this sounds like gibberish. Just wanted to vent I guess Ego death made me more suicidal",Suicidal +17120,This month has just had it in for me the entire time. I cannot catch a break this month. I have not felt this bad for long period of time for a minute. Today has been the worst. I felt like self harming but I did not. Last time was in March. I also found out my late mom had hepatitis C and I connected the dots and things make sense. I still love her and respect her but its a bit of a shock to me. I knew her as having a problem with alcohol but never thought she would have messed around with drugs. I do not think she was a drug addict but I know she had to have had some here and there. Idk my brain feels dead. I feel detached from stuff. I was at work today and for a few minutes it felt like I was not actually there. It was weird. :( ?,Depression +17121,"!!VENTING NOT ASKING FOR HELP!!For the past couple of months, ever since I quit my job after having multiple crippling panic attacks at work, I have been finding it hard to leave the house. it is gotten to a point where I just do not go outside anymore and hide away in fantasies my brain makes, waiting to die. Before I tried getting jobs but I cannot hold any down and eventually just stopped trying. For the last 3 months I have been forced to see a therapist, the drive there makes me physically ill and paranoid. I still have a hard time expressing to her how I feel in person but I cannot stop seeing her. She has ordered me to go to a doctor twice but I just cannot go.I have a very loving family but they are too loving and not in the ways that I need, I have no autonomy or word in decisions made for me. I no longer have the will to argue. I cannot see a future for myself, I had plans on moving out before I quit my job, but now it is just a cold dream. These feelings are taboo in my family but my parents have been very patient with me until now. I think my mom just kicked me out. I have until Monday to pack to my things she said, I am not upset or sad by this, it is what I deserve. Not to sound like I am in my own self pity party but I was told that even if I am in such a ""dark place"" I still chose to be in the situation that I am in, and really I cannot help but agree. How is it that others can still live their day to day lives but I cannot, I cannot comprehend it.Anyways I think I am going to homeless but I cannot find the will to do anything about it. disappointed in myself",Depression +17122,"Everyone pities me and looks down at me for my mental illnesses and I cannot stand it anymore. I am tired of being labeled weird or awkward. It is hurtful. It is disheartening. I got fired from my job and I know its because I was not outgoing enough. It took me weeks to manage up the courage to work, it took everything just to go to work, and I was so proud! And now I am so embarrassed. All those looks of pity when my coworkers grouped up and gossiped while I was left out. The blank stares people gave me when something I said came out wrong or the annoyed looks people gave me when I could not stop fidgeting. I thought it would be worth it, because hey, I have a job and I am going out my comfort zone, right? Well now what? What the fuck did I gain but embarrassment and confirmation that I am not good enough and no one will ever understand or accept me. My Rant",Depression +17123,they work so well. he told me I should kill myself and at least now I know how he really feel. I tested the blades. Works way better than a knife. trying to calm myself down and do my wrists instead of my thighs. I bought razor blades,Suicidal +17124,"I cannot take it anymore, I am 4 credits behind and cannot catch up. Graphic design is the only class I enjoy and If I cannot be in that class this upcoming school year I am going to OD. I have tried summer school but because of my parents divorce I do not have a laptop and I will be dropped from the class in 2 days. I cannot do it, I am not mentally made for this, I never was and I will never will be. My brain was not made for be able to understand numbers the way the rest of my peers are. I cannot do it. Everything is pushes against me I cannot do it. If I do not continue with my class, I am ending it here.",Suicidal +17125,"idek if this is the right place to talk about this. my therapy contract is expiring soon so i feel more pressured to pretend I am doing better. I am really not and I am scared. i do not have any older adults i trust to ask for advice and i do not want to talk to a counselor from school.I am currently studying pharmaceutical sciences. it sucks bc I am not that interested in it but my parents were proud i got the offer. the thing is, i keep having nightmares where i secretly synthesize drugs and take them to end my life. I have been hospitalized for overdosing several times before and just overdosed again several days ago. when i get strong suicide urges i almost always turn to overdosing on my medications. i have no idea what to do tho. idk what i want in life, i just know its not whatever it is I have got going on rn. so I am not sure if i should switch my degree or just hope that I will be better a few years from now. i feel so lost and scared and all this stress really is not helping i think I am getting worse and I am scared of where I am headed",Depression +17126,"I feel trapped and I feel like I have lost myself. I am on here because honestly I have no one else to talk to about this. I have started to hate everything about me mentally and physically. I want to do good and do better but I honestly do not think I can. I cannot make anyone proud of me not even myself so I drown myself in work, music, movies, and video games, but honestly those only last so long and then here I am alone in my head again. Its like a personal hell being in my headspace and I just feel completely gone from the world and feel like everything is worthless and I will never amount to anything in my life. Idk what to do",Depression +17127,"I am leaning towards getting some alcohol tonight which sucks because I am 17 days off which is the longest I have gone on my own volition (in rehab I had 50 days) in probably 2-3 years. 31 y/o really trying to turn my life around here. But tonight is just so hard. I had a terrible day, I am so stressed about money and my life and I am probably going to sell my car next week. A hug would be nice but I do not have anyone so a drug will have to do. I do not want to feel the emotion",Depression +17128,my friend and other people are spreading rumors about me online and each one is adding a lie or their own opinion Its making me so paranoid I am so afraid they are going to find me or contact my school over this petty drama I am so scared and they are sending me death threats I know its what they want but I am scared I just want to die I am scared they are going to find this post my friend and other people are spreading rumors,Suicidal +17129,"Doc warned me about this. And I think it is starting to hit now, because I am recognizing the same feelings. How long does this last for, and after it is done, will things go back to how I felt 2 weeks ago? (happy, btw. it was nice for change)Thanks! Started 10mg Lexapro a month ago. (Lightweight, I know.) Hitting that 4-6 week low now. How long does this last?",Depression +17130,"Currently, I do not have anyone in my life I feel comfortable venting to. I know my family and close friends have love for me, but something inside me will not let me pass the line to express my feelings. My girlfriend was the closet thing I had to being honest about my feelings, but we recently broke things off (The breakup was respectful and necessary). I want to talk to a therapist without any of my friends or family knowing. For the longest time I have dealt with this battle against my pride and ego and I am tired of it. The thought of seeking help makes me anxious. How can I go about finding a therapist? I want to talk to a therapist",Suicidal +17131,"I have a good life I was born rather smart and had a super easy time going through school. Others always had to work hard while I could easily slide through everything. I live in a middle-class household in a rich country, I was never abused, I have friends. But I am still just so incredibly sad all the time for no reason. The only thought that keeps me even going is how much harder others have it. there is literally people who lived in hell for their entire life so how would I deserve to end myself? Why tf am I so sad",Suicidal +17132,"Am I the only one that feels an amplification of symptoms after a ""good"" workout? Like I feel worse than prior to doing the workout? I do not know maybe I just do not enjoy it, but when I feel like garbage and some people say ""you should force yourself even when you do not feel like it"" I just feel 10X worse after. Maybe I am just weird and my head is so screwed up that even working out does not help. I have gone to the doctor for a check up and all the vitamins I need are there, my T levels are good, blood pressure is good, etc. I do not know it feels very pointless working out if I am being honest aside from the physical benefits. Mentally I feel even more screwed than prior to working out. I have tried jogging, bike riding, or just walking and none of them have helped in the slightest. Exercise/Working Out",Suicidal +17133,"It never goes away and it seems that I am always searching for a reason. I can only lie to myself for so long; I am just confused with life. I was just in a motorcycle accident on Monday night and walked away with minor pain. I do not get how and I am questioning why I am still here. It seems like nothing is wrong with my life but my mind is telling me everything is wrong. &#x200B;What gets me the most is I want to tell someone I know what is going on with my mind/thoughts but I just cannot. I am not scared of the outcome; I have come to peace and acceptance this week. &#x200B;My birthday is coming up next week that I normally hate, but I secretly wish anyone would care and just smile at me. &#x200B;Is this confusing...am I lost? what am I feeling right now? I felt like I wanted to end it and acted on it before but this feels different. The feeling is back and things are different",Suicidal +17134,"For the most part of my life I have been depressed. My brother is getting married,graduating from college with flying colors and my sister is starting to graduate from college now. Tried getting into it but suffered from such deep depression that I could not continue with college and had to drop out Had multiple mental breakdowns, in my twenties and still leaving with may parents barely getting starting on anything. Dad low key called me a failure and wants to see me gone from the house. My mom was supportive but she is starting to get annoyed by me more and more. There was not a day that went by where I thought of ending it all,Had to take such deep antidepressant and actively seemed treatment. And after that I thought I was getting better. Entered another college that I wanted and was proud off being accepted. Started going out more and feeling all around better.genuinely thought things were getting better for me. Than one day I ran out of pills to take due to my insurance. Every single day I would feel worse from before. To the point that I started thinking of suicide again. I thought I was finally happy for once and I was improving myself. Find out that all of those feelings where from the Medication and nothing really much of me changed. I want to be happy but I cannot and I am genuinely sure that those medications were the only thing keeping me alive. I just wanted a happy life for once. Why cannot I feel this way by myself. The idea that the only feeling of enjoyment was not because I was improving but from a pill manipulating me to not feel sad.is this what progress is. I become the disappointment of my family and my life can never feel alright but hurray or me for taking a prescription pill and not ending it all? Is that progress? I just want to be happy goddammit not to be barely alive. I realized something",Depression +17135,Why why why am i so fucking stupid everything i touch just gets fucking ruined and i just want to die all my friendships are falling apart and i cannot keep building up friendships just to ruin them again i hate myself and i want to die I tried to make it work but everything is fucking up,Suicidal +17136,I think this is the end for me Goodbye,Suicidal +17137,"So I have always been a pretty even tempered person, but as time goes on I feel like I am always in the middle. No highs and no lows. I just have a general apathy where I do not feel sad or happy ever. I cannot remember the last time I got excited about something. I have tried doing new things like climbing some 14k foot mountains, ziplining over huge canyons (my heart rate did not even increase), making new friends, learning guitar, traveling, etc.. but I generally do not really feel much. I just do these things and think cool... I did it, shrug my shoulders and move on. I read online that apathy is a form of depression so I am asking if my situation would warrant a doctor visit? My situation is fine overall, I just feel like I am generally numb to it all and I cannot really point to any reason why that is. Does anyone have any suggestions to get out of this middle ground gray zone I am living in all the time? Is general apathy a good enough reason to visit a doctor?",Depression +17138,"I cannot do it anymore, I keep losing and losing and losing people I love.. My dad died a month ago.. After 2 weeks my fiancee broke up with me.. The person next to I had all my future plans and that I never expected to lose... I want to finish things with myself I cannot cope anymore.. I hardly take a breath in.... I cannot even find the power to actually end myself but I want it so badly, I do not know how I can breathe again.. My heart is broken into pieces..I cannot cope anymore..for years I kept losing and losing everything again and again and again... This life is absolutely a mess.. I cannot anymore.. I need help and is no one there that could bring my breathe again.. I cannot do it anymore.. I am thinking of ending things",Depression +17139,"there is like nothing worth living for. My life is not even that bad, but like I fucking hate myself so much. I have no friends or anything, working gives me really bad anxiety and literally the only reason I have to work is to afford living expenses, but I do not even really like being alive. There is nothing meaningful in my life to make it worth struggling through. Killing myself is getting increasingly tempting",Suicidal +17140,i jus do not want to live anymore. that is all. i do not know how to do it. i do not want my family to be in more fucking pain. they are the only reason I am still going but i do not want to do it anymore. i do not. ill prolly write them a note. fuck tired,Suicidal +17141,"People love to say suicide is selfish. But its the other way around, the selfish ones are your family members, who want you to be alive and make them happy despite the fact your suffering and its the only way out. Its not selfish",Suicidal +17142,"it is clear to me after 8 years that I am stuck in the same situation. I will never try to do anything, to find a job or relationship or a house to live alone. I will never become independent not because I cannot but because I do not want to. I want to stay with my mom forever, alone with my books in my room like a teen and go out only with her. I cannot take responsibilities, I cannot make decisions not because I am stupid but they make me feel so anxious and panicked and I do not know how to manage this. I still remember 8 years ago when I tried to rent a house to stay alone twice and I panicked too much and in the end I cancel it. I still remember how I felt 10 years ago when I attempted to live alone in another city for studies and how depressed and alone I was. The furnitures my parents bought are still haunted me whenever I see them in my grandma's house. And maybe I was 18 years old and I had to deal with a very difficult situation in my house but I am still unable to take action.My situation does not make me happy, I feel bored, I want to do something different and exciting but I cannot. I cannot even think to live as an adult, to have a romantic relationship or a stable job because I am afraid of all the conflicts that may occur. Maybe these things have to offer me exciting things but I am aware that as more you expose yourself and take responsibilities you have also more problems to deal with. And I had enough problems in my life already.Some may think that I am immature or spoiled or sheltered and the last two I believe that are true but I am not immature at all. This maybe is the problem that I do not get never excited because I overanalyze things and try to see all the different perspectives. People around me rent houses without second thought, say lies thst they have experience to take a job and generally grab chances without thinking it a lot. Even if they do wrong they do not punish theirselves and they do not feel bad if in the process they treat unfairly some people. I cannot even sleep thinking all my past wrong decisions, I am not able to say a lie even for the most unimportant thing. I am unable to deal with anything or to put it correctly I cannot deal with my feelings. Even when someone hear sent me a private message I get panicked, I do not know how to react and I think of that all the time. I can start a conversation when I am too desperate and I know that maybe I will not be alive long enough but sooner or later I start to fear that someone is going to harm me or discover or harass me etc. This is probably the main problem I am so afraid of everything and even if I fight it and try to make steps in the end I always go back to my parents security even if it is toxic. And I feel relieved and I can sleep at nights but I also feel so desperate and empty. it is not my fault that I feel this way. My father is a negative person and make me feel afraid of the works and people because he always showed me the worst case scenario. My mom tried to protect me and give me moments of entertainment and not let him spread his negativity but she is also a victim and a depressed person and life was not easy for her. Our life in general was not never easy many bad incidents happened to our family, put of out control and these made my father even more convened for his worldview. I do not know what is wrong with me, is my traumas, my ocd, my social anxiety? Do I have the Peter pan syndrome and I want to stay child forever? Am I autistic and that is why I find the world so terrified? Is my county and how unorganized and corrupted everything is here that make me feel so desperate? I feel like my life has an expire date. I do not know if I commit soon or no but I know that when my mom dies this will be my end also. Maybe I will end everything sooner because there is no point I feel so miserable and I just waste money. Therapy and medication never were helpful on the contrary the made everything worse. I waste so much time in this crap and also in fortune telling seeking desperately an answer but now I realize that everything is b*llshit. I hate myself that still believe in something higher either is the God or something else because this enabling my ocd and I still try to make decision with random ways not with my mind. I will never move forward",Depression +17143,"After a drought in therapy I went back to seeing a therapist and seeking help with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds about a year and a half ago. My primary gave me a short list of recommended therapists and I was lucky enough to have gotten a call back from Wendy. I had almost given up on her after waiting for a call back. But she called me back. We met just once in person in 2020 and then throughout COVID it was all virtual once per week.My previous therapist had the philosophy that it was ok if I did not have a topic/ story/ issue/ something to talk about during our sessions and that it was fine to sit quietly and be comfortable with the silence. Well, it was not with me. It was paying a co-pay to stare at one another uncomfortably but with Wendy it was the opposite experience- supportive, proactive, caring, understanding and she reached out to me as I am generally an introvert. She brought me from being completely disbelieving of her early prognosis of me being emotionally abused from a child to a young adult and experiencing the symptom of PTSD to where I am now- that she was right all along. She was amazingly intuitive and I know that she was right. We were on the path to beginning EMDR and beginning resourcing and starting to meet in person once we had both been fully vaccinated. Things were moving along and once I had accepted the diagnosis of abuse and PTSD I was amazingly emotionally fragile and needy as all of my prior mental support systems and coping mechanisms as faulty and improper as they were had been erased. But she was there for me. All of the time. Last week we had a Tuesday meeting. All normal. We were to meet on Thursday again that week. I walked in on Thursday to find the lights in her waiting room turned off. Odd, but not too strange, I turned them on and waited and waited and waited until twenty minutes past our appointment time. I texted her, called her (straight to VM...) and finally knocked on her door. Locked. Silent. For her to not respond was entirely unusual and I knew then that something was very, very wrong. I waited for an hour but no Wendy.Finally, I left. Tried calling her that night. Her inbox now was full and I knew that I was not the only one looking for her. It turned out that she had been reported as missing the day before. Her car was found about an hour north of where she lived in a seasonal home's driveway. Her last known cell activity was there but there was no sign of her until they found her body a few miles off shore a couple of days later.I was lost. I am lost. I will never know what exactly happened to her- suicide, an accident or whether it was foul play ( because of death has not been released yet...) but I cannot understand it. I do not know how to move on. I know that I need therapy again. I need to move from this temporary holding pattern that we had established pre-EMDR but I feel enormously guilty about moving to a new therapist. it is like cheating on her. And besides the sheer enormity of starting from the beginning with someone new and gaining their trust and understanding. Add to this the fact that very few in-network therapists are accepting new patients right now (probably due to post-COVID stress...) and it is touching all of my triggers- being rejected, turned away, not wanted, etc...Shit... sorry this is so long but I really needed to get this off my chest to an impartial audience that Wendy would have fulfilled prior to now. Any advice, kind words, anything would be welcome. Lost My Therapist, Now What?",Depression +17144,HOLY FUCK JUST END ME PLEASE I AM SOFUCKED UP I am SO MESSED UP THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IT IS GOING TO GET BEtTER,Suicidal +17145,"I am an upcoming college freshman. I took a trip with my friends family this summer; we went to Disney.First five days were okay. Had some bumps, but also had some hills really great times. I wish I could let myself go and enjoy this wonderful vacation with these wonderful people but alas, the six day mark crashed into me like an atlas stone.I just left dinner to go cry in the hotel room alone. Rationally, nothing sparked this. Maybe I just need to be alone; I cherish isolation and have got little to none of it this entire trip. I do not like what this foreshadows for college. How am I going to survive? I cannot even enjoy a fucking summer vacation, full of good vibes, good people, and good food. I feel so hopeless. So alone. Summer vacation takes a downhill slide",Depression +17146,what do i do?should i call him back? he messaged me saying he was proud that i did not call him. sarcastic ofcourse. what do i do? i was planning to call him to thank him once my result was out next month but he calls me once or twice a week since my exam to ask he how amazing of an experience it was with his classes. tutor calls me and tells me stupid stuff. i did not answer his call and he got upset,Suicidal +17147,"Rock climbing, like many other sports, is excellent for your physical health, as you will notice increased muscle definition and overall strength as you practice not to mention the endorphins.At least three studies have shown that [rock climbing]( has a positive impact on an individuals mental health; these studies show that climbing improves symptoms of depression, regulates emotional disorders such as bipolar, and helps combat anxiety while increasing self-confidence. Outdoor climbing can be very peaceful, and it has the added benefit of being close to nature, which has been shown to reduce depression, improve memory, and reduce ADHD symptoms.Read full - [How does Rock Climbing Help with your Mental Health]( How does Rock Climbing Help with your Mental Health",Depression +17148,"(Tl;DR: I had two back to back suicide attempts and I feel like I died after the second one but nothing is there to prove it. I feel guilty about the amount that was spent on me in the hospital, and I am still immensely suicidal.) I had two attempts basically back to back, the first on June 1st of 2021 and then one on June 25th of the same year. Both of overdose on benadryl and prescribed Prozac. My first was alone on my favorite forest, I did it at 3 pm after I got off work and drove home at 11 at night. I was grounded for staying out past curfew and the friend B I had been 'messaging' during it (it was all gibberish on my part) had forgotten his phone in someone is car halfway through it. he is all I have. I was terrified the first time I tried to kill myself because of hallucinations, so the next attempt I did with him next to me. I got mad he stopped me, and a fight broke out. We drove to a nearby park and because he knew I would taken much more before and he knew I was afraid of the cops he just let me sleep it off in the bed of my truck while he was with me. He left me three hours in because a cop told us to leave (how the cop did not notice I was out of my mind is beyond me) so he drove home and thought I would have left the park but I just got back in and I drove back home at 4 in the morning. Went to bed, and woke up and I was still hallucinating so my mom took me to the hospital and then I was put in the phych ward for 8 days and put on new meds. I feel like I died this time. Everything feels so wrong. it is like everything is repeating itself. I do not know of its the new meds I was put on (which are not helping and I still want to die) or I did actually die or if I am just out of synch because everyone is tiptoeing around me because I am 'sensitive' all of a sudden. I just get moments of deja vu when I am working and it is just 'holy shit I died the last time I tried did not i' just every single time I get it it is the same feeling of 'I am still stuck even when I died. I am going to be stuck like this forever if I did actually die' each time. I just want to die. I have nothing besides the lack of romance that is pushing me and that is not even a big bother to me. I just want to stop hurting people I love and give them the freedom of not having to deal with me any more. My parents pretend they care because they have to and now I am just a waste of money again. A shitty cremation would have been cheaper and better than the amount they spent on me to go to the hospital and it did not even help me. I just want to die so bad. I feel like I died after my second attempt but I know I did not and I am still suicidal despite it.",Suicidal +17149,I was not made out for this. I am just wasting people's time and money on this earth. I want to be lobotomized.,Depression +17150,"I am always reminding myself of how I regret not taking the chance of killing myself when I was younger. I have a wonderful boyfriend & 2 pets but I cannot help to think, it would have been better if I just went through with it, I would not be in so much pain. Constantly reminding myself of the abuse I went through & having to act like I am fine when I have unprocessed trauma and a family who could careless. I am an over thinker so I have gone over this process multiple times, I have covered every possible out come if I do not kill my self. I have not felt like myself in a few years, I just feel lost and like I am watching my life over my body. I have already thought about therapy but talking about my problems have never fixed it, I just want my mind to be quiet & silent for once. I am tired",Suicidal +17151,My friend is going through a lot and keeps talking about self harm and suicidal ideation. She called the suicide hotline and they wanted to send people over so she hung up. she is refusing to go to the hospital and she is refusing to go to a crisis center. I have her address but I am skeptical about calling 911 as I do not want them to send police over. My friend has been goin through a lot. How can I help?,Suicidal +17152,"I honestly do not know what to think anymore, thinking about my life or my future makes me feel sick. At this point I am alive just because I have to be, every single day and night I wish I was dead or vanished. I am getting tired of the pain, the loneliness and the feeling of nothingness all day long. Feeling so low and alone",Depression +17153,I lost all my friends because of a false accusation at work and now they all hate me... I am not feeling like myself anymore... My therapist is on vacation and I cannot eat more calories today... I really want to kill myself..... Just lost everything,Suicidal +17154,I am 22. My whole life I have struggled with mental illness. Everyday I struggle with severe anxiety and depression. Sometimes I also struggle with suicide. Its gotten so bad that I finally convinced my parents to be okay with me going to the doctors to try medication. My appointment is coming up and my parents keep making their disapproval evident. They are extremely against medication for mental illness but they are tolerating it because they blame my depression and anxiety for why I am such a disappointment in their eyes. However they are still not happy abt it. When I first talked to them abt it I thought they were finally on my side but it does not seem that way anymore. Its just really hard when it feels like your parents are against you. It especially sucks cuz I have actually been on kind of a mental high lately but this has really brought it all crashing down again. My Parents Are Mad At Me For Needing Medication,Depression +17155,Just drank 5 pills of pain killers to take my life hope it works Ill wait a few hours if not Ill drink bleach Bye,Depression +17156,"How does one exist in a reality where the thing that ultimately governs it and your existence within it is something you truly hold no motivation to acquire? Money is nice, money buys me things I like, money feeds me, but if I have to do things I am not passionate about for money, Id rather cease to exist. What is a life lived, if not lived every single second chasing the things that make your heart flutter. What is the worth of an existence that you are plunged into without your choosing yet are confined to its realities otherwise you die? Many would say these are the ramblings of a child, who is experienced nothing at all. Nobody to provide for. If I have no will to provide for myself, how could I possibly obtain the will to provide for someone else? I am all I want in life, I do not need to lean on another. What is maturity? Why are their limits? I think of being confined within this reality and I detest it I refuse to be boxed in and conform. If my passions bring me wealth, then by chance Ill live a full life. If they do not, Ill continue them until I starve. I have no fear of death or the inevitable end that awaits someone of my mindset, I am more ecstatic Ill be spending every second of my time chasing my dreams until my bell tolls or until I cannot chase them any longer and I pull the curtains early. How does one exist in a reality in which the thing that ultimately governs it is something you have no desire to acquire whatsoever. A question... a few actually...",Suicidal +17157,I want to reach out to someone I depended on for emotional support. I do not have anyone. Anyone w personality disorder that can help me?,Suicidal +17158,"my english 10 teacher during my sophomore year of high school one time she smacked her butt in front of the class (she told the class not to report her), she pretended to hit on a classmate and would give the class naughty looks.during my junior year my us history teacher was a narcissist. she thinks people with depression or having a hard time are wanting attention, she thinks knows them but she does not. she smiles if people got mad, it looked narcissistic. she pulled me out of the room and threatened to call my mom for disrespecting her but i was sticking up for a classmate who did nothing wrong, she yelled at him. i feel bad for anyone who has to deal with her. she denied me a piece of candy for being scared when she approached me. i was the shy emo kid (i still am emo, but not shy) in my school. she wanted students to bottle up their emotions and not get things off their chest to anyone. she kicked out students for petty reasons. i hated her. one i day, this take place the day after i missed the bus after school. i told her i missed the bus home and she said could take me home. one time my she whispered in my science teacher's ear while she and her were smiling at me. one time i told my us history i missed the bus the previous day i told her it came back to get me, she said to me she could have taken me home (made me feel uncomfortable).during my senior year of high school. i had an english teacher who said she was teasing me (made me feel uncomfortable). she called me a nickname (she did a lot of times) i did not like, one day i ignored her and she threatened to call my mom, i got mad, and she kicked me out of the class, she said she called me the name because she was teasing me. whenever i told her asl teacher was not a good teacher (its true she was not good), she would tell me to stop complaining saying I am just exaggerating, so i stopped venting to her. however she did hand out candy every friday (probably as a bribe)which teacher was the worst? Weird Teachers i had in high school",Depression +17159,"I am just so disheartened at this point. I have been ghosted again. I feel like I am a leftover man. Ill never be the first choice or the guy who finds love. I am last resort, if all else fails. I am so tired of living like this. I feel so awful. I am never going to fall in love. I am hideous and awkward. I am the things every women hates. I do not want to be alone but I know I am not good enough to love. I want to die. I do not think I can keep going",Suicidal +17160,"Depressed for 11 years, ugly, virgin, no energy or pleasure ever, all jobs suck, everything is mainly boring, self improvement is boring and i do not feel rewarded ever, no one likes me, not even me, I am rude to many people, so God damn tired of life If I could press a button to die rn I would",Suicidal +17161,"Usually impermanence is a tool used to help people from feeling like pain and apathy are unavoidable, or permanent. Usually it is supposed to convey that change for the better will eventually come while staying alive. But Impermanence is corrupted inside me. I go about every day like any other gear in the large machine that is modern capitalism. I spend my free time alone at home, watching advertisements in my ""entertainment"" which reminds me I am never quite good enough. I get up in the morning, commute to work, listen to my boss in meetings, pay 1/3 of my paycheck to the government so the military can set piles of money on fire in faraway countries, flush half of the rest of my paycheck down the toilet paying for the privilege of shelter that is 10X as expensive as it was 40 years ago. I forego luxuries in order to put away a measly sum every year that will never grow large enough to support me in old age. I fall in line, and do just like everyone else is doing. Because if it makes me feel absolutely obliterated and rotten inside, clearly I must be faulty in some way compared to everyone else obediently and enthusiastically following the status quo. But all the while, my mind reminds me of Impermanence. When I can hardly gather a modicum of resolve to get out of bed in the morning and into work, when my heart cramps up and palpitates after a week of constant sedentary stress, when I am spending my free time sitting in my car on the highway stuck behind hundreds or thousands of other cars, listening to the radio tell me about our failure to tamp down on pollution, on climate change, on the pandemic, on the homelessness crisis, on wealth inequality, on legislative corruption, on gun violence, on anything. My mind reminds me of Impermanence. My mind reminds me that all this shall pass, not by staying alive longer and longer and waiting for the tooth fairy's salvation. All this shall pass because life shall pass. This will all be over one of these days. This is only for now...",Depression +17162,If you had a mental health emergency for extremely suicidal thoughts and had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward for inpatient treatment could you be fired? My work has FMLA but it apparently needs to be filled out months in advance for you to be able to use it and have it approved. I have a previous diagnosis for depression and anxiety but stopped seeing a therapist for ahwile. I recently started seeing a new one but I have only had a couple appointments with them. I live in California in the US. Being admitted to a psychiatric ward for suicidal thoughts get you fired?,Suicidal +17163,Can you be fired for being admitted to a psychiatric ward for suicide risk? If you had to stay inpatient and did not have FMLA filled out beforehand could you lose your job? Mental health emergency and your job?,Depression +17164,I feel like this might be the wrong place to ask but I cannot find the answer anywhere online. Is zopiclone and alcohol a lethal combination?,Suicidal +17165,"I hate how people tell you in such a happy positive way. "" if you feel suicidal TALK TO SOMEONE or call the hotline or go and turn yourself in the hospital and get locked up and listen to people talk you out of suicide, SEEK HELP, talk to family members"" blah blah blah. SHUT up seriously. Not everyone has the privilege to talk to someone or magically get help. Life is not for everyone why the fxk should I continue this hell whole when I can sleep forever. No one is here for anyone stop fxking being fake and telling people to survive there needs to be a suicide doctor ready to help people who do not want to continue life. I hate how people tell you in such a happy positive way.",Suicidal +17166,"My life has no momentum. I am stuck doing nothing every day. I feel like shit, every day.Not only that, I have a video game addiction. When I game, I play 16 hours a day. It makes me feel good, but I know it is completely useless and I am just wasting my life away.Now, I have to live this miserable fucking life and suffer. Not only that, I have to FUCKING resist playing video games. I have managed to quit gaming for now by destroying my mouse. Every day I check Amazon or BestBuy to buy a gaming mouse, 10x per day. I have to force myself not to. Today I made 2 separate orders for a mouse through Amazon, and cancelled both orders.I fucking hate this existence. I have no purpose, I am suffering. And on top of all that, I also have to deal with this addiction and suffer even more by denying myself the one thing that will give me some temporary pain relief. But video games just end up causing more pain, more regret if I go back to playing it.Fuck my life. I fucking hate my brain for being programmed to give me so much pain. I fucking hate my brain for allowing an irrational addiction to take over it and fuck itself over. I fucking hate all of it. Not only do I fucking hate myself, I also have to fight my addiction, every minute of every day",Depression +17167,"(17)I am in Canada and she(15) is in Brazil, her mom does not care about her much and is very ignorant to her daughters troubles. She has become anorexic due to the ""beauty standard"" over there and has been physically and verbally bullied at school. She has a dad that lives in Canada that seems to care about her but she does not want him to worry. I have done my best trying to console her with all that I know and can do but apart from my introductory courses to psychology and my own experience with depression. I come to be attached to this person after a month and I do not know what I can do. Any ideas? I am happy to give more info if you need it. How do I help this girl stay alive until things get better? The only communication we have is by text and calls.",Suicidal +17168,"I have CPTSD from childhood abuse. My ex abused me and hit me. My current relationship,I love him and he has anger issues due to his bipolar. He laid into me today about how he is become my caretaker because of how low energy I have become due to my depression. I do not want to be this way. I feel so embarrassed, ridiculed and ashamed. He said he will not seek out therapy because he said therapy is pointless to pursue and pay for when the reason for his anger is me. I am causing it. I caused it all. How could I not? How could I make this many people angry in my life and not be the because of it? I am the common denominator and I would be doing the world a favor by leaving it is all my fault",Suicidal +17169,"So, I have got a list of mental and physical issues to deal with. They are really not fun, but sometimes it all gets to me and I feel really alone. My ex and her family were great to me. My ex made me feel loved and cared for and I miss that so much, even though we broke up roughly a year ago at this point. I just wish I had someone that loved me and cared about me. At least I can look back and say that at one point I had that. I just feel so sad and alone",Depression +17170,I have Lyme disease and am feeling so much pain I want to end my life. I do not want to die and leave my loved ones but I am tired of suffering in this body. I just want to escape the pain. Lyme disease suicidal ideation,Suicidal +17171,"So I am just done with life and everything in it, I have just injested 32g (64x500mg) paracetamol, how long do I have to get my affairs in order, I am not going to call an ambulance or anything so please do not try to convince me, I just want to know how long How long for paracetamol od to take effect",Suicidal +17172,"I spent several years in my teens doing search and rescue seeing this no teen should. Then when I graduate high school at 17 I joint the marine corps and continued seeing things most should not see. These things alone have messed me up pretty bad. Then add on top of that all of the shit relationships I have been in and the countless other times I have been fucked over by people. I am to a point that I do not feel anything no empathy, excitement, joy, anger, absolutely nothing. The only things I really feel anymore is emptiness, and lonelinessIts like I am just here. I spend 99% of my time working and when I am not working all I do is drink. But to be perfectly honest I do not have a problem with this. Life seems to be a lot easier this way then trying to care about anything or anyone. I do not think I actually want any help.",Depression +17173,Pray for me that I die today in sleep I wish i never get up today after sleep,Suicidal +17174,"I have changed my ways. I have changed my behaviors. I have gone to therapies, groups, read up on my diagnoses, keep up with my medicine. I have great days. Days where I can write on my white board, where I can get my shit done. Where every task is completed and I feel proud. Then, there comes the next day. And the emptiness hits. The cloud of sadness. The tears. The hopelessness. It all makes me start to spiral. And pick apart what is wrong in my life. Why are all my choices wrong. Why does one day to the next have to be so different. WHY. I just needed to vent. I am so tired of the inconsistencies.",Depression +17175,"I wish something would just take me out. Its been 23 yrs of depression and suicidal ideation. I want to build a cocoon and come out a better, smarter, kinder, more content being. All I do is Fuck up",Suicidal +17176,"I am reaching out, from afar, can you see me? I am calling out, pull me in, I need a place for healing. I dream of tomorrow, where did it go? Its the same as always now. Breathing out, breathing in, a chore of suffering. Calling out, to the dark, I hear nothing calling back. Thinking of snow, cold and frozen, memories of hot coco walks. Memories gone, torn apart, I feel the dead beat called a pulse. where is my hope? where did it go? To tomorrow. But I live in the same day over and over again. Tomorrow does not come, hope is gone, I hold on to all I know. I need to know, where did she go? What did she do that I could not? Favourite child, calling out, got whatever she could want. Tossed aside, just be quiet, you are not here to make a sound. Memories gone, torn apart, breathing slowly starts to thin. I need to hold on, but for what? I search low and high to find the purpose to all the hell I have wondered. Nowhere found, beating heart is booming all around. Scared to death, but not of death, its been here since all I know. what is it like, to be free, to be wanted and believed? Hold me close, do not let go, they are softly whispering. Unnamed",Depression +17177,"I am scared of the world. Scared of the pills that I hold in my hand, how many to take? I am starting to shake and I am scared. Alone. Frighted and facing the unknown. I have had it all and its gone, tip and the tap, and I just want to say goodbye. Scared",Depression +17178,"do not you think its time to begin again? I am scared to hell of losing a friend, my mind and my reason to carry on fighting through hells back bone and I, I am scared to begin again. I got use to the new, said goodbye to the old and I had decided it was going to be us, yes it was going to be us. Two stars in the sky, shining through the dark lies of the world. But now my star slowly dims, and my hope slowly thins and I am looking for a hand, or a rail to hang onto. I am falling down slowly. Tumbling down. Cut, bruised and broken within and out. I am hoping for a chance to breathe again. I am young not old, but I have been through it all and I do not think its fair to carry this all by myself. But carry it all I shall. Id carry it all, to the top of the world and jump down to hell if it meant your mind would be free. God I miss your feeling, your everlasting freedom to touch. I remember the old and was starting to laugh. Thinking what the hell I was worried about, but now, now I am ashamed. Ashamed that I trusted, believed it was different and opened my heart and soul to you. And now. I sit with this blade, running up down my wrist questioning should I press down. Someone tell me oh lord, should I press down? Press Down",Depression +17179,"Am I a bad person? Am I sound of mind? Do the voices I hear come from a life of trauma? Did that trauma come from within? I often fear I caused my fate, that fate came and found me. I did not ask for the pain inflicted on me, from the hands of those meant to protect me. I did not ask to hear voices, telling me to be afraid of the dark. I have always feared I am a bad person, because voices ask me to wrong others. I am not a bad person, because I know what is right and wrong. I say no to the dark, and face away from the shadows. I refuse to accept that the enemies will stay, I wish for the darkness to turn to light. A poem",Depression +17180,I have drank myself into an abyss and I do not know if I can carry on. I am just a piece of shit who nobody would care if I disappeared. I do not know how much more I can take. I am so sick of my life .I am literally sat in the dark at 3 in the morning alone and going crazy in my thoughts I have had enough. I am so numb I cannot even I cannot cope,Depression +17181,"Life has not been great, even before I was born my family has had it is issues, so great start there . My brother was given brain damage as a baby, my parents are both seriously antisocial, so you can imagine how lonely I was and what my social skills use to be like, I was bullied for a lot of my life. I started smoking weed to cope with it and it helped alot (it does not get me high anymore, yet I still smoke) And then I met a girl, she was perfect. Everything I wanted and needed, life started looking up I started getting better! I travelled 20 miles sometimes multiple times a week, just to see her, I felt like I met my soulmate. She was playing me from the beginning, After she dumped me (BS reasons) it took like 2 years to get over it and when I did it hit me, she used me for my time and money and for sex. I did not see it because it was my first relationship and I felt loved for the first time in my life, I was so blinded and when I realised what really happed, I was thrown back into that dark pit again. I have not been the same since, stuff I use to enjoy now brings me no pleasure. I cannot stop feeling alone in a room full of my friends, no one understands me, I cannot deal with how I feel anymore. No-one cares. People only have me in their lives because I am useful, not because of who I am. I am so tired. I just want to be happy.I have no idea who I am anymore.I am not good at anything apart from gaming and sucking at life. I have no job. I no longer have any ambitions or confidence.I have no-one to confide in.I feel sad all the time. I cannot trust my closet friends or family.I am alot easier to make angry now (I use to always have a tight lid on my anger, always) I do not even get nightmares anymore. I have pleasant dreams. Ones were I am cuddled up in bed with a beautiful girl (sometimes my ex) and were laughing and having fun. And then I wake up, to no-one. And I am reminded how alone I really am, and then I cry.I feel so tormented by life. I hardly eat. I do not look after myself. I cannot look in the mirror without wanting to punch it and start cutting myself with the glass..I have given suicide serious thought multiple times. But I will never do it. Instead I purposely make life hurt, I starve myself, smoke heavily, get into serious debt. I want to take the long route to my grave. But not because I want to live but because I want to suffer, slowly. And in the end, hopefully an agonising death. All because I am too much of a pussy to end it. I have tried seeking help, but I keep giving up. I feel so weak and cold. I am so, so tired. I do not know how much longer I can keep doing thisWhenever I do die. I do not want a funeral I just want to be cremated and thrown away. Forgotten about. So tired",Depression +17182,"I am jus prolonging a ultimately pointless existence. It should not be like this I have so little strength these days. I am so tired. I want it to end. I want it to stop. I cannot live with myself anymore. I want to tear away my flesh till there is nothing. I do not want to be here anymore. I am so empty. It hurts dragging myself through everyday, non stop screaming in my head to end it",Suicidal +17183,Boss checked my water bottle and smelled my vodka he did not want to fire me so he gave me a week suspension. The day I get back my dumb ass thinks its smart to drink at work again. Ya he caught me again and I am fired. If it were not for mom being sad if I died I would not be making this dumb shit sorry. Like cyanide sounds really good right now. Also sorry this is cringe but with 0 friends ig Reddit the next best thing. I got fired,Suicidal +17184,"It sounds ridiculous -because honestly it is- but I am making a list of pros and cons of taking my life, I am full on serious. I have been struggling with depression for about 5 years now, meds are not that effective either, so the idea of ending it just seems more convincing each passing day. I am both failing and despising my studies (already been held back a year and basically the worst med student you would ever meet), incapable of making relationships or maintaining the old ones, always irritated and impossible to be around. But most importantly I am thinking of doing it for my parents, they have been together for 24 years of absolute hatred and it is just geeting worse recently. They treat me like a third party of their marriage as the oldest daughter which means I am loaded with all their problems while witnessing my dysfunctional family at the same time. My mom always says that if something ever happens to us (her kids) she will finally divorce my father (who absolutely will not do it) and ever since I have been calculating the results. I mean it is kind of of a win for all of us, I will rest, mom will finally get her divorce, my siblings will live for once in a healthy environment, and father will go his own way .. they would be sad for a while i guess, but really that is the only bad side to it. Its a win for everyone. If the pros overcome the cons, is it worth it ?",Suicidal +17185,"Lately I have been taking a lot of Ls. I had a very high-stress interview for my dream job today and despite preparing, I got demolished. My current job barely pays me well enough to live on my own so I hardly save anything, and lately my family seems intent on highlighting other peoples successes (mainly one cousins 6 figure income and another cousins marriage lol) I definitely feel happy for them but also terrible for myself, and hate that I did not make the cut in life to achieve these things as well. When I do try and help my situation with job hunting and relationships its like I keep hitting invisible walls.I have diagnosed major depression and had it since childhood. My doc said I might have had a head trauma in the past and even after meds my symptoms still exist, but I have been holding it together until now. Now I feel like I am kind of falling apart. How do you guys deal with deep feelings of inadequacy? I have been trying to count my blessings and stuff but it feels so... not genuine lately lol How do you deal with not being good enough (legitimately?)",Depression +17186,"Nobody knows the length of my depression... I am sad every single day for years now and I have created a whole identity around being this way and i do not recognize anything else anymore. The only reason why I do not come clean about feeling depressed and talking to friends about it or getting diagnosed and actually seeing a professional is because I secretly do not even want to get better, I am so comfortable knowing I am down here and cannot possibly get lower. I feel myself distancing from friends and family and i feel them being done with me and quite frankly Ill be relieved if they completely cut ties. Maybe then i do not have to hide behind a mask anymore and just let me sadness take me over without worrying too much about sending bad and sad vibes onto other people. Every time i seen people I just unintentionally let out this massive dark energy and i feel them feel it. I am not suicidal or self harm but if an accident happened to me it would be for the best and hopefully without hurting anyone. i chose comfort over happiness",Depression +17187,I am not happy with anything in my life.I am not excited about anything.I hate everyone and everything.People are cancer.Thanks for reading this useless scream into the void I do not want to live anymore,Suicidal +17188,"Pretty simple. I have had depression (among other mental illnesses) for most of my life. Been in therapy for 7/8 years, meds for 6, tried 5-6 different meds and they have worked with varying degrees of success. I started a job I really like two years ago. My depression has been getting steadily worse since...Marchish? In April, I received a written warning about my performance (forgetting things, missing meetings, etc). It got to the point that I spent most of June in a disassociate haze that culminated in going to the psych ward for 5 days (june 30-July 5) because I tried to kill myself. I was off for 5 work days. Two days after I came back from FMLA leave, I was given a final written warning for my performance, with all of the listed incidents happening the last two weeks of June. The ultimate kick in the crotch was the writeup was dated and supposed to be given to me the day I went to the hospital. I feel absolutely lost and confused. My supervisors know I was in the hospital, my immediate boss knows off the record why I was in the hospital, but I feel like I am being unfairly treated. I feel like, if I came back and told them I had cancer, they would not have written me up. Getting the writeup basically reset all the progress I had made in the hospital and I feel hopeless. I do not know what to do- my therapist suggested I take FMLA to do PHP/IOP or ECT but I am scared if I do, they will fire me when I get back, and I absolutely need this job for health insurance. Has anyone dealt with something like this before and what should I do? I was written up at work because of my depression, and I do not know what to do.",Depression +17189,"What the fuck do I do. I am going crazy and I do not know what to do. I do not even know how to describe what is happening. I have never felt like this before. I am like hyperventilating or something. I need to fucking kill myself immedietely but I cannot think of a method. No one cares anyways. I am just wasting my time. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I need to die. I am going fucking insane.",Depression +17190,"Hi, so usually i come back to this subreddit when shit hits the fan, and I cannot handle it anymore. I do not really know how to start with these, it is always difficult especially with all the emotion and pain, but I guess I will, start with what is bothering me right now. I had this girlfriend in 2017 and I deeply regret how things ended with her and I, I also regret ending it, because i did it thinking that I had no love for her and that I was only in the relationship for the sex. What I learnt though (this was in early 2018 with therapy) was that I had intrusive thoughts, what had happened was that this thought of not loving her had popped up in my head at some point, and I could not stop thinking about it while in the relationship with her. It was horrible I felt as if I was lying to her throughout the relationship. it is like having a person on your shoulder shouting liar every moment, my only peace was away from her. I saw the only way out was to say ""I do not love you anymore"". I was 19 at the time and so was she, so we were both young, but I hate myself still to this day for doing that and not maybe discussing it first with someone. She was my first love, how we met was pretty magical, we were sitting across from one another and I started to sing one her favourite band songs, and she looked at me and we both began discussing our favourite bands and interests. I knew in that instance that I was attracted to her without a doubt and i think she was as well. The worst part I think about that breakup was that I had no one at varsity to talk to anymore, I was alone with all those thoughts and I started hating the world even more, nearly as much as I hated myself. I think that was the worst moment in my life, worse than anything else. Because I felt like a monster for hurting someone I loved, something I thought I would not do. I wish I could kill myself, I wish I could plunge a knife into my neck and bleed out until i pass out, until I am nothing with no thoughts, just a fucking corpse. Maybe then everything will be calm and I would not have to worry about making mistakes like that again. I am too much of coward anyway, i do not like pain. This all started because of old voice note that might have been her. Funny. Sorry about the violent imagery. I just wanted to talk. Just talking.",Suicidal +17191,"I want to give some advice to some of the people on this app. I have lived with this mental attitude for 9 years and it has helped me get through my darkest depression, diabetes and my moms death. For some background. I am a type 1 diabetic. Type 1 is similar to type 2, but it is also different. Type 2, it has a known because, and affects the pancreas in way that makes it semi work. Type 1 has no known because and it affects the pancreas in a way were it makes it totally useless. And dealing with this disease is hard. High and low blood sugars are hard to deal with. Sometimes I cannot eat when or what I want to. I go to a camp that is for kids like me. And that camp is family to me. Counselors taught me how to deal with it, and how to not let this disease define me. And I am becoming a future counselor and I want to spread this. they taught me PMA. PMA is not just for diabetics, its for any problem you have, and is basically a life style.PMA stands for Positive Mental Attitude. It means to accept things and roll on with life. Accept that your in a shitty situation. Accept that you have NO control when you do not. You can waste so much energy trying to control a situation you cannot, and can make you feel worse. But be hopeful. Look towards the future and see what YOU can do that is within your control. do not look back in the past too much. do not think about how you should have done something else in a situation in the past too much. Its okay to think about it and have regrets. But do not get mad at yourself and constantly be looking back at your fuck up, wether it was your fault or not. And last of all its okay to be sad. Its okay to feel upset about a situation that did not got our way but do not let control you and get the best of you. Use this mindset and it really helps. From Personal experiences! Need some advice",Depression +17192,Anyone else not enjoy anything anymore. Everything just seems like a chore now. anhedonia,Suicidal +17193,"However, I am miserable. No matter what. Is it that bad to end it here? I did not even have such a hard life...",Suicidal +17194,i know this sounds so weird but i love feeling hopeless and suicidal. it is so freeing because i can do anything i want since i know that i have nothing to lose. being happy makes me anxious because I am just waiting for the next thing in my life to go wrong. i love being suicidal,Suicidal +17195,"I broke the promise, did not I? Yeah. that is why i was crying when we met...that is why i let you come over. Because i knew that would be the last time wed met. The last time wed talk. It hurt that you were so excited for the future, and i was planning on ending my life. I suppose i sped it up myself, with telling you the plan. I would say I am sorry but...that is hollow. I appreciate that you wanted to help, that you wanted to try and fix what was broken but.... I threw in the towel before you got there. Hell, I planned it the day you gave me the ultimatum. I knew my time was up. I hope that one day you will be able to grow away from this. That this will not tarnish the rest of your life, because you are a wonderful person who deserves the world. I suppose i only wish that i had cut you off before this, so you would be less effected but. Wishes do not always come true. I am glad we had a few laughs beforehand. I know this is short, but my other letter is longer. I just wanted to tie up a few loose ends. I love you dude. Thank you for everything. Broken Promises",Suicidal +17196,"I have been feeling good for the last 3 days because I am on holidays. I have been manifesting good things, calling friends, relaxing and enjoying my time. Until today my dad and brother had a fight, my dad is a bit drunk and he said some hurtful things and is over reacting. My brother is being unreasonable. I do not want their bad energy, I tried helping but it drained me so much, I almost feel like I am at 0 again. I just want to have fun, I have been stuck in home for 2 years with nothing, and this is the only time I get to actually enjoy my time. I do not know what to do anymore, I want everyone to be happy and enjoy their time. I do not get why people do not just talk things over without being defensive. How do I deal with such situations you guys? Strong episode",Depression +17197,"The because of this all started about a year ago when i started with a new school after following my classes for the first few months my sleeping schedule got worse and everything became foggy and it still is.Since than i have a hard time following my classes and just living life overall because also some other stuff got caught in the mix, since my i come from a family where everyone has mental issues and where everyone is chaotic, messy, and not very hygienic.The house i live in is also very messy, unclean, there are holes in the walls, a unfinished kitchen, broken floor with allot of cracks, pet urinating and pooping everywhere, you get the image. it is just impossible to keep clean and it is hard to maintain.Also my family do not have the best relationship with each other and most gaterings or meetups end up with either a fight or any other form of toxicity.With all these factors above just have a hard time living in this world and it makes me feel very lost since i do not have anyone to talk or either guide me forward towards a better life.The last year or two i just feel like going to a old childhood friend and purschase a gun and end it allThanks for listening to my personal story My current thought about life",Depression +17198,"In a few months time i will officially claim the 'adult' title, like a huge ""Congrats! You made it through childhood. Get ready for the deep end and welcome to a world of finance, unnecessarily long work shifts, ready to give your hand in marriage and the expectation that it will all go smoothly,"" type of thing. it is the summer holidays, i finished my first year of college with my last year waiting on the horizon. Basically managed to pull reasonable scores on my tests that were extremely underwhelming to what my predicted grades were, but with half-assed, half-finished assignments, what else was i to expect? Cried an unnecessary amount of times and skipped multiple classes on the panic-induced decisions of having my mind blanc out and forgetting which room my lectures were held in. I hate it. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate everything that was and is to come. How am i going to live in a society where people expect so much of me, when i cannot even get through my academic years smoothly. People advise me to ""do my best,"" when me trying my best is doing the bare fucking minimum. I give up. I am incapable of doing such simple things. I cannot fucking stand it. And i do not plan on experiencing life past 18. Adulthood sucks and I am not even there yet. In a few months i will officially be an adult. I am not ready and i never will be.",Suicidal +17199,"I have got everything planned out but the only thing stopping me is my fear of surviving, and having to live afterwards for the rest of my life with severe physical injury. I have looked at stats showing its unlikely but its currently stopping me nonetheless. i cannot face life but i also cannot face the path to death. scared to survive.",Suicidal +17200,I wish I had friends. I never have anyone to talk to and it makes me want to die,Suicidal +17201,Really hope they are honest about what a disgrace I was when they talk about me. Made my note home alone time to go.,Suicidal +17202,"I am so confused.... so I was talking with a friend I do not talk to anymore. he said he was raped and molested for 3 years. we started talking about my trauma... and I kind of realized I have all the ""symptoms"" (I guess is a way to put it) of getting r@ped... but I do not know...I guess I just find it hard to believe but it is possible...I cannot remember anything before like 8th grade (I am going to be a junior this coming school year) besides the fact that I had a friend and we had all of our classes together besides like 1 or 2 classes. anyway, I am also either hypersexual, or completely disgusted with it. and... I keep hearing kinks stem from childhood trauma (not sure if that is true or not but) I have some pretty hard kinks... for example cnc but... idk I never saw that like I possibly got r@ped... I just thought that was normal to not remember anything and are sexual in a way...)and of course I do not want to say I have been because idk if that is true. I truly do not know so I cannot say anything. I guess it is finally time to talk about this... (tw: r@pe & slight sex talk)",Depression +17203,"This is a serious question, if I were to shoot myself in the temple with a .177 caliber pellet gun that fires at about 700 fps would I be able to kill myself? What are the odds of death with a .177 caliber pellet gun?",Suicidal +17204,Earlier this year my long term girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. I was really shocked by this and still think I am in denial that were not together. she is already dating someone else but still wants to be my friend. I was convinced and certain she was the one and I am struggling to move on. Every time I think of dating or hooking up with someone else I get sad and uncomfortable. How have you rebuilt your life after a breakup with someone you were so certain about? How to get over someone you were so certain was The One?,Suicidal +17205,"I am 15m almost 16. I saw this picture of a girl who was decapitated in a car accident and it was pretty bad. Her head was cut and smashed. It does not bother me because I am used to seeing gore. I searched up what she looked like when she was alive and she was pretty attractive and just perfect. I now have a crush on her for some reason and I am sexually attracted to her tbh. I masturbated to photos or her when she was alive. At least I did not do it to photos of the accident I guess. I am not attracted to decapitated corpses. I masturbated to a dead person, I am a bad person",Depression +17206,"Feels kind of weird posting about this on Reddit, but if it helps then I might as well.I am 16 years old, depressed, and was diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome at age 6, along with being tested for autism multiple times (none of them came back, and I am fairly certain I am not on the spectrum, or at least not noticeably) and Asperger's once. I had an abusive stepfather for about 9 years, from when I was 3 to when I was about 11-12. I have just finished my GCSEs, and I am waiting on my grades. I have always been a high achiever, always been placed on ""gifted and talented"" lists, always used to bury myself in science textbooks and documentaries. Back before I had access to the Internet, my education was almost a coping mechanism. Still, now it feels like a lot of other people deserve their academix success a damn sight more than I do. Compared to a lot of people on this subreddit, I should be incredibly lucky. But I do not think my luck can be much worse. I am in a friends with benefits type relationship with a girl that I have loved for about 2 years, and we still love each other, but I used to talk to her about all of my depression and suicidal tendencies and now we have got a strict rule that I cannot talk to her about it anymore. Which tbf is for the best. That does not mean it does not hurt though. I guess my main problem is that I feel isolated almost all the time. Even in a room of people I feel like I am alone. Sometimes even when I am with her. Back when I had that abusive stepfather, I remember sitting in my room, in a corner, too afraid to leave or even move until my mum came home. I have grown up since then, but on the inside that is still how I feel. I have gone through countless friend groups who do not give a shit about me, I have only ever found three or four ""real"" friends yet I feel awful telling them about anything I have experienced or I am feeling. I tried to tell my teachers that they were putting me under too much stress, and then they decide to tell my mum, when I asked them not to. Queue me being treated like an alien for weeks. I have written countless rants, suicide note drafts, sad monologues, and it is getting tiring. The suicidal stuff gets terrifying sometimes... I have a massive fear of death, but I do not want to keep on living in this kind of world. I am not always suicidal, and to be honest today has been a really good day for me. But it is not like that makes it go away. Sometimes I am scared of what is going to happen to me in X amount of years. In fact, that is pretty much all of the time. As I get older, I start to realise that my childhood is slowly slipping away from me, and that I should probably enjoy what is left of it as much as I can, yet... I do not think I have ever really enjoyed my childhood. I am going to stop there, since I would be here for days otherwise. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Typing into the void.",Depression +17207,"I am going to kill myself. If anybody has a gun plz let me use it, cuz I am tired of hearing people's bullshit that things will get better I want to die",Suicidal +17208,I do not even feel like I have much left to say.. I am just tired of dealing with everything by myself. I just want to give up.,Suicidal +17209,"Male 24, many ups and down throughout my life, always strong and pushing through.Last year was the roughest, I just cannot handle it anymore. I swear my heart now is beating so fast, I am anxious, I just feel terrible. I do not want to continue this life with this hole in my chest. Laying on bed my mind is exploding",Suicidal +17210,"I have tried talking to my ""friends"" but I feel like no one understands. I feel like I am just bothering them. Why is it so hard? Why is there never anyone who understands",Suicidal +17211,"I am alone with my kids, like I am all the time, because my husband works all the time and I got fired and have no life. I think killing myself is inevitable. I wanted to find a therapist but I cannot. I wanted to get better but I cannot. I have four degrees and no career because I am on the autism spectrum and have bad PTSD and imposter syndrome from my parents telling me they hated me, that I was worthless, that they wished I were dead. And then I was bullied at school. And so even though I am technically a genius, I am for all intents and purposes disabled. I have disappointed every mentor because they had such high hopes for me, and I crashed and burned. I have all this knowledge and all these abilities and even a license as a registered nurse and was planning to become a nurse practitioner, but I cannot use it. Nobody thinks I have anything to offer, except my kids. My kids are little. I know they need me, for now. But still, I am tempted to just put a bullet in my brain. It would have been better if my parents had killed me physically instead of mentally. This is just cruel. As if anyone here could care",Suicidal +17212,"a few weeks ago I have started being almost completely honest about my feelings reated to my depression w my family. They are worried now, but at least they know what is going on w me. I have been thinking about being more careful with the things i tell my loved ones about my mental health, but sometimes its easyer to say it as rough as it is. literally my conversations w my mom are like: mom: how r you?me: Bad. I do not want to live any more.mom: :,(Shit, I have been feeling this way for years at least i want to be honest with the people i love, I am sorry for making them sad but i need to express myself. I feel like shit, i want to die everytime i wake up. fuck depression. I have tried so many things to get better but non of them are being useful now,(therapy, meds, working out, sex, spending time w friends, etc.)i feel like I am going deeper and deeper to a very dark place in my mind, i feel like shit and i want to be dead, i know i will not kill myself bc i would hurt a lot of people. i do not know what to do with my life I am so fucking confused sometimes. Dark thoughts are slowly taking over my head, i feel like the devil is inside of me and its manipulating and seducing me to go deeper on my dark thoughts. I daily think about suicide, self harm, murder, rape and situations of my past that have made scars on my brain and skin that did not finish healing. I understand getting better is a slow process, i need to be happy like i used to be and that is it. I know i can get through this shit but its being so fucking hard... TW i want to die everytime i wake up",Depression +17213,"Everything you do hurts people or they do not like you or reject you, manipulate you like a puppet, and fall off the Earth. Abused, neglected, forgotten. I have been through it all and it never gets better. Even when I worked so hard on myself to lose do much weight, be a better, more confident person they still deem me not lovable. I have worked so hard to fix my problems, my flaws, and nothing works. I am still just a hurt person who will never be worth loving. Tonight before buying my beer I crossed the street and did not look at the traffic. If they take me they take me. what is the point of living if you are not lovable?",Suicidal +17214,"The brain is really good at taking every interest and motivation to live that I had, but also giving me fear of dying.What do you want me to do? live with nothing to live for, Suffering until I die? I wish I did not fear death",Suicidal +17215,"My bf is in a terrible place. Rape victim, extremely abusive family, a college degree he was forced into but hates, no hope about his future. Hes been having suicidal thoughts for a long time now. Hes gotten really close too. He stays because of me. Because he knows how much it would break me to lose him. But it also breaks me to see how much he is in pain. I want to help him but he will not let me. he is already seeing a psych and is taking medication. he is serious about ending it. I have put it off for as long as I could but hes only giving me 2 months left to be with him. I do not know how much longer I can help because I think I am starting to develop suicidal thoughts of my own. He wants me to just accept that he is ending it and let him go. I see how much pain he is in and how inescapable the situation he is in is. Should I just let him go? Is it ever okay to let someone commit suicide?",Suicidal +17216,"I want to say everything I am thinking but I cannot, I fucking hate every one of them they make me hate myself and the world more and more, I am slowly distancing myself from them so I hopefully will be forgotten in some time. I hate my ""friends""",Suicidal +17217,"Where do I start, therapy is not going as planned. I just sit there and talk about the things that are destroying me, without getting any help. I got kicked out of college because I was too anxious to go into the classes. I ruined another friendship because I did not have the energy to talk all the time, and I was too problematic, and that I bring the mood down. My grandma was rushed into hospital last night for a blood transfusion, and now her health has plummeted, which has fucking crushed me. I have been having a mental breakdown I do not know how long, I am tired, in pain, and just ready to give up. I feel like I am losing my life and cannot stop it. I honestly had hope that I could change things around",Depression +17218,"My two-year-old seems to have a severe language delay, I am in an accelerated nursing program that I hate, I have very few to no true friends, I lose my temper with my kids all the time lately, I am terrible at interacting with people, and I think about suicide constantly. All I want to do is sleep. I keep breaking down into tears several times a day. I feel like I am getting weaker and weaker. I left voicemails for a few therapists tonight, so I am hoping they will call me back and be able to help. But I am losing hope. I just fucking hate myself and wish I was never born I just want to die",Suicidal +17219,I am so tired. I have always been indifferent about being alive and think of suicide passively pretty much constantly but I am starting to not want to be alive anymore. I am just so tired i do not think i want to be alive anymore,Depression +17220,My birthdays coming up soon. I will use the money I am getting as a present to kill myself at a shooting range. If that ends up not being feasible for some reason I am going to get the chemicals to commit detergent suicide. But I am afraid of accidentally causing a fire since its so explosive and flammable. I am going to use my birthday money to get a gun to blow my brains out.,Suicidal +17221,I am sorry if this is not the right place but I truly do not know where is. So about a month ago I started to feel down but pushed it off and hoped it would go away and it did not. I feel like I am just getting depressed again and falling into old habits like self harm. But I am noticing I want to hurt others around me and its like picturing how I could and feels like I am having a fight in my head over this and I do not know what the because is. There is also the feeling of never being enough and I have no friends or people who love me which is something I have struggled with in the past. But I have tried talking to my parents as I am 16 and cannot really make those choices about seeking a professional over this or I just do not know how to go about it. I have tried talking to my parents and I have in the past and they never really took it seriously with me and pushed it off as you need to go outside more or off that phone type of stuff but my sister saw people over her anxiety and things like that. But I would just like some advice maybe how to find the because or how to go about this because I am really not sure but I am scared of letting myself go again. I just need some mental health advice,Suicidal +17222,"throwaway account. tw / mental illness, grooming, etc. just because I am messed up, does not mean i should infect everyone elseI want to die. I am slowly dying anyway, and painfully, so I should just end it now.If I catalog all the things wrong with me, it would be everything (and honestly, it would be really fucking embarrassing to detail it all). I do not have really any redeemable qualities or characteristics. I am killing myself anyway with all of my unhealthy habits (teeth fucked up, I am in pain, my weight, etc) All the broken parts of me are me, and there is no escaping that. I have had severe depression and anxiety all of my life, grew up in severe poverty, dad died when i was a kid after years of alcohol/drug misuse and stealing from my mom, was groomed by my basketball coach and then other men online when i was like 11-16. I have never had a relationship (only had one night stands with guys who do not care about me)- which makes sense considering how worthless/fat/ugly I am, and all of the things wrong with my personality too.The only reason to not kill myself is the fact that my family would be sad. And like, its not like I myself have any redeeming value, or value to my life. I offer no value, I have no future, I will never be successful, either financially or career-wise or anything. I am in a field where I will never make much money at all and will never be able to pay off my student loans or my credit card debt. There is no purpose to my life. There is no value to my life. The only value I hold is to my mom and sister. that is it. And if anything, I am such a burden and failure that it would be a kindness in a way. Literally no one else would care if I did not wake up tomorrow morning- I do not have any friends, and for any coworkers, old classmates, old professors, etc? it would be just like hearing a sad story on the news and then going about your day. I am a leech who contributes nothing. All I do is take. Like what future do I have? I have fucked up my life beyond repair.To be honest, right now I am just trying to decide on a method and when to do it. I had tried killing myself when I was 11 and that obviously failed. (trauma and mental illness from the very beginning) i should just make an end to it all",Suicidal +17223,I am not even that old but damn I have not even kissed anyone. Maybe Ill get attractive and confident enough before I decide to go through with it. I will probably die a virgin,Suicidal +17224,I am going to be super pissed tomorrow if any of you let me down. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Lots of love Super pissed,Suicidal +17225,"It feels like Chinese water torture. Like I am about to scream at any moment. The mixture of boredom, loneliness, inadequacy, etc. I cannot even cry about it, it is a feeling that makes you just want to pull out a gun and stop it. It feels like my brain is on fire or like a chronic headache. I hate it. Can anyone relate to depression being maddening vs saddening?",Depression +17226,"I am a 15 year old Colombian boy, living in Europe. My dad was shot dead back in Colombia, when I was 4. I live with my mum, and my two sisters (ones 11, and ones 13. My family lives in poverty. we have moved around Europe for 10 years now. We first moved to Naples, Italy. Then we moved to Marseille, France. Then Charleroi, Belgium. And finally, Glasgow, UK. I only have one friend, who is moving to Cornwall next year, and I am very socially awkward, so it will be difficult to make new friends. I just want to kill myself so bad I need help",Suicidal +17227,"hi I am alex and i think I am depressed. Maybe that I am just thinking that but i hate my body, every part of it. I look in the mirror and hate myself. I am trying to lose weight (I am 1.90m and 88kg) and i think I am hideous, I am also sad all the time at feel numb at times. And when I am alone i get extremely sad. I often cry without reason and my friends keep making jokes, about that I am ugly or dumb and they say stop crying about it its not a big deal or its just a joke. And i have only 1 friend that i really like. I am not looking for help i just wanted to say this. I am depressed",Depression +17228,"I remember in middle school we had group projects to do and I decided to just work on my own and a classmate said I was a lone wolf. I only just remembered that recently because I went and saw wolves on my 23rd birthday. It kind of makes me feel a little bit better to relate to a wolf. I remember in high school during a fire alarm the entire school was outside waiting for a long time to go back inside and My history teacher asked me if I had any friends. I did but they were on the other side of the school I remember having to take the bus to school and walking around the hallways alone. I remember during lunch my theatre friends had rehearsal and I ended up sitting in the library alone. I remember me and my good friend being told, after being the last two standing in gym class that we could just go to whatever team we wanted because I guess nobody was going to pick us. I remember doing cheer and not being friends with any of those girls. I remember even after high school just being someone you know because you know my friend. And I am not really that important or maybe I am not that interesting to anyone. I am afraid this is going to last forever. Please do not last forever i cannot keep feeling this way. I feel like a burden, I feel so unwelcome in this world and I love this world. I love this earth and its nature and I love these animals and I love pure people and I love art whether it be art or music or books or history or the mysteries of the universe and I just never felt like I have ever gotten any indication that I belong here because it really feels like I am in a glass box and incapable of having a pure connection with another person who might actually care about me I got used to being alone",Depression +17229,"Is it normal for me to feel depressed every single time I am alone, its like the second that I go into a room alone I break down, but when I call someone in a room alone I am all better, and if I go out and see a person I am better.. does anyone know if this is a normal thing or a certain type of depression? I am not very smart when it comes to mental health so if anyone could help id appreciate it so much Whenever I am alone I feel depressed",Depression +17230,"Like the title says, i do not see any reason to live. My pretty normal sleep schedule has gone fucked and i now have stayed up until ungodly hours and i did not sleep last night or the night before. I am constantly tired and i do not see any of my friends anymore. I wish i did not feel this way but i do. I need reasons to live. I do not see any reason to live.",Suicidal +17231,Please make the pain stop. Please. I will do anything if the pain just stops just for one day.I do not know why I am posting this Make it stop,Depression +17232,"Thinking of ending this on Monday, which is my birthday. Considering getting a hotel room and just ending it. But I also have a 3 hour drive right now and I can make it look like an accident. I am tired, and I miss the woman I love. Or today?",Suicidal +17233,"I do not know how others do it. I do not want to care about the people I will leave behind, I do not want to care. I want to get to the point where I would no longer care about the pain of suicide",Suicidal +17234,"I am tired of being strong. I bottle everything up and put on a stone face or smile and just truck on for the sake of those around me. I am always the one worried about others problems but neglect my own. I just want a moment of weakness, a moment of someone saying to me that everything will be okay. So tired",Suicidal +17235,"Hey everyone, I am a 25 year old with a Bachelors in Civil Engineering, currently working for the government and living with my mom. I feel like I can no longer recognize myself now, in comparison to 3 years ago, when I was in university. I used to be confident, good with women, played a bunch of sports, partied and graduated with Honors. After university, I could not find a job until about 8 months of coming back home and living with my mom. During that time, naturally, I did not feel good about being unemployed. However, I eventually got hired by the Public Works department in a managerial position as an Engineer. The plan was to live with my mom, save most of my money and then go off to do my Master's.During this time I have gained 25 lbs, I hardly go out (even worse due to the pandemic), no relationship (except for 1 fling, 2 years ago) and I do not have the drive to do anything. I guess I became complacent with my situation. I just go to work and come home; rinse and repeat.The pandemic definitely messed up my plans to do my Master's Degree, but I think I am lowkey using it as an excuse, because I am afraid to fail. This idea of failure is also very prominent since I finished my Bachelor's. I am even afraid to play video games competitively, because I am afraid I will be outdone by my friends. When it comes to private Engineering jobs, I am also very anxious because I think I will make a mistake. I have given up 3 private jobs already, with the 3rd happening today and I feel extremely shitty about it, because I felt it was my chance at redemption. I feel as if I am giving up all my chances of making a name for myself and I am watching life pass me by. I cannot recall a time I have actually had a good time, since I finished University. I am not happy with my appearance due to my weight gain, which contributes to me not wanting to go out. Then staying home just kills my drive to do anything productive. I know it sounds like an easy fix; just lose weight and do this and that and get your life back on track, but I just do not feel motivated. I do not know how to get my drive back. I am not sure if I am depressed, but I definitely feel like shit.",Depression +17236,"So last weekend I was feeling sad and I tried to end my life but taking 30x 40mg Clarus, 30x 10mg Clarus, 7 25mg Adderall and about 20x caffeine pills. After I took those pills I realized I did a mistake so I made myself vomit multiple time. I had big headache for the new few days but after that is its been tolerable. The problem is since I took all these pills I been feeling extremely tired all days. I am debating going to the hospital as I cannot say its an accident since the dose is that big. Failed an Overdose last weekend and debating if I should go to the hospital.",Suicidal +17237,"Everyday I keep reminding myself that this feeling will not last. Everyday I make sure that I am kind to others because every human being just deserves it. Everyday I hide the fact that I feel hopeless no matter how hard I try it is just not enough. Everyday I try my best to point out to myself reasons to be happy or things to be grateful for. Every time I fail I let myself sulk for a bit and try to move on.Well I am sick and tired of it and I know I will keep trying over and over until one day the depression no longer feels crippling and overwhelming. I refuse to give in and I would be so disappointed in myself for giving up. But some days I am just so worn out, like I have no more to give. I wish I could give up on life sometimes, then I would not have to try do hard every single day. So sick of trying",Depression +17238,Anyone here work a 9-5 in the office?I am a 26 year old engineer and I am in the office from 8-5 pm 5 time a week. I feel like the lack of movement is literally deteriorating both my physical and mental health. Any tips? working form home was manageable because Id walk the dog during my lunch and that would keep me sane but my company is against work from home now that rona is gone. Anyone have tips?? Working office,Depression +17239,"Hi, 25 M, this a brief story of how I went from being lonely to have great friends and then back to lonely again.I am a corporate slave. My first year at work was not that good since I did not have much responsibilities, yet in my 2nd year I become more a valuable team member. The problem is that my social life become more miserable when my professional life is getting better. I am an introverted person, I have my small circle of friends. The issue began when I traveled abroad (Work related) and come back to the company after 3 months to find out that everyone has forgotten me, not only there but my hood friends also has forgotten me too. I had very close friends, but only a 3 months separation has ended my relationship with my best friends. I become the same old lonely person I used to be, when I thought that this has been changed after I met my new friends. But I was wrong, I am by myself now. I do not have any one to share my stories, my ambitions, my daily routine. I want that simple check in question to feel that I belong to this world, to be valuable to someone at least.Adding to that, I started to like my best friend, we were very close but after the 3 month separation, our relationship become very cold, it made it harder for me to confess to her. Being alone and failing in love with my crush which does not share the same feeling with me.Just wanted to relieve my chest of this grief. Any tips would be very helpful. Lost the will to hmm ... Everything",Depression +17240,"I feel very disappointed in myself. Seeing others around me succeeds just highlights how mediocre I feel. I was lucky enough to be born into a middle class family, who were able to spend a lot of money to ensure that I have a good future, but I feel as if I wasted all their efforts with my mediocrity. It especially makes me feel guilty when I see that others were not born as fortunate as me, and would kill for the opportunities that I wasted. In a sort of twisted way, it feels really bad when I see those around me doing well, because I feel like I could have also done well if I was not such a mediocre person. Unlike my friends and family, I have no special talents or defining features. But not only do I feel like a disappointment to myself and my family, I also feel like a disappointment to my friends and those around me. My impulsiveness leads me to say things that really hurt other people, and my stubbornness makes me refuse to take any accountability. After reflecting for a while, it seems that I have hurt more friends than I have ever helped. This makes me feel especially bad, because every single one of my friends/former friends are awesome and kind people But beyond all this, I feel as if I have no place in the world. It hurts me to see how many people are homeless, lack access to water, lack access to food, and lack access to medicine and healthcare. I was born with all these, and more. Instead of using those resources I was fortunate enough to receive to help others, I have wasted them, and it makes me feel really hopeless to know that there is nothing I can do to help others or contribute in changing the world. Reading the news everyday just makes me more and more upset with myself. I used to cope by doing community service/mutual aid events, but even those do not make me feel happy anymore. I do not even know what to do or how to feel. I am feel like such a bad person, and its too late for me to do anything.",Suicidal +17241,"i attempted in march of this year, i overdosed but panicked last minute & phoned an ambulance. i confided in my flatmate the next morning after nurses encouraged me to tell her. she picked me up from the hospital and both her & her mum were angry and made me feel really guilty. i kind of understood but i just needed to know i was loved in that moment but it made me feel more like a burden. anyways we spoke about it a few weeks ago and she said honestly i thought you were selfish and ungrateful for doing that to everyone that loves you. that has stuck with me and i cannot stop thinking about it. it has made me feel guilty about everything. i need advice on what to do? i do not want it to impact our relationship but i cannot stop thinking about it and its really upset meanyone had any similar experiences?? thanks and sorry for the long post! friend called me selfish & ungrateful because i attempted",Suicidal +17242,"My journey was not easy, and it is not over yet. But I am better, something I still cannot believe today. Anyways, here are principles that I have come to realize and want to share to everyone in the hopes that these will get you out.1. Family is what you make it. Choose them, not stick with them. But be civil still2. People around you are either one of these two: people to nurture/love or objects to use. When I said objects to use, I mean those people that drag you down or does not think of you as important. You should not let them affect you but make the most use of them.3. Just go with what life throws. Be stubborn. If you want something to happen, just keep doing it. you will either die trying and sad or be happy when you finally get what you want. Either way, you get something you want. Either healing or death.4. Make the most of your strengths. This includes faking, pain tolerance (emotional) etc. These things are our demons but we can use these to our advantage. Remember, there are two kinds of successful people. Those who made it by shining bright, and those who made it quietly, in the shadows. Positive and negative. I know this may be confusing, as English is not my first language. This may also sound bitter. But hey, this got me out. Take it with a grain of salt. What I learned throughout my journey to overcome depression",Depression +17243,"I just want out of this world, I have to many mental illnesses and my life is just slowly going downhill I want to die",Suicidal +17244,Guys this is the last straw I just want to talk to someone please Please someone talk to me for once,Suicidal +17245,"I turned 21 in April and I have attended college on and off. I have struggled with depression since I was 13 and it feels impossible to overcome. I so badly want to pursue a career in acting but I fear the failure. My parents become more and more weary of my future everyday and it shows. My mom said to me today, This whole acting idea you have been so fixated on the past years seems to just be part of you mental illness and that hurt me a lot. I know I am struggling to figure out my life but i cannot be the only one. I lack motivation everyday to do things. Even making a phone call to find a new therapist seems draining. I have nobody to go to to find comfort or support so I am on here hoping that somebody can give me words of wisdom or support. I never thought id seek out assurance from random people on the internet, but in a time of utter desperation, here i am. How do I overcome my fear and kick this lack of motivation out for good? 21 Years Old and No Direction in Life",Depression +17246,"please stop being mean or saying something to upset me, see me bothered, and then love bomb me, just say sorry. especially when you hurt me physically you just ignore it until i decide to be over it. i just need you to say sorry ): just tell me sorry",Depression +17247,"So I am a gamer and I am okay with it. I like to listen to game music because I think it sounds better than regular music, half of which is either about breakups or alcoholism. Anyway, today over dinner, my family started relentlessly making fun of me for liking this music. I put up a game face for them, but inside, it actually made me feel so alone and depressed. How do I deal with this? A conflict of interests is surprisingly hard to deal with, especially when I am the only one on my side Family alienation",Depression +17248,"being in constant pain, is it truly worth being lived through? what if there is no end to be seen nearby? the pain is getting greater day by day, as the urge to end it all does so too. is the pain worth living?",Suicidal +17249,Everything is so fucking empty and therapist are assholes I used to have hope that I would get better one day but I do not know anymore. I want to kill myself so bad but I am a pussy lol. I got so sad early because my roomates were talking and bounding together because we got a new oven. And I do not care about the new oven I cannot even care about eating and I have to force myself and I cannot connect with anyone because I do not care about anything. The emptiness is ruining my life and I asked help for years but it is always you have to get worse to have help/people validating you and now I am worse and I just realised that the help cannot help you. Tf I am supposed to do LMAO Kms I guess I wish it was so easy I do not know what the fuck I am supposed to do,Suicidal +17250,"Background: I have major depression that was recently diagnosed but has been present for years. Covid made things much worse. I have been losing weight, about 40 pounds over the last year, and am now underweight. About 5 days ago, I started getting very nauseous every time I ate or drank anything. Its been so bad that I have lost 10 pounds in 4 days. I went to the ER, and they could not find any acute because of these symptoms, based on many blood/urine tests and a CT scan. Two days ago, my doctor performed more tests and an oral examination and came to the same non-conclusion.What I am wondering is if anyone else has experienced this inability to eat as a symptom of depression, and more importantly, how the hell do I get back to eating regularly and bring my weight up? TL;DRIm depressed and cannot eat without vomiting or feeling extremely nauseous. I need help. Cannot eat without vomiting.",Depression +17251,"citalopram/ celexa questionLong story short I am on this medication I have not taken it in months Iv been stock piling it. And Iv decided Iv had enough of life now I do not want help or anyone to talk me out of it. All I want to know is will 2,000mg of it kill me. I do not want to wake up having to live with whatever it dose to me. I just want to know will it kill me yes or no? Question I dint expect to get an answer to",Suicidal +17252,"I have (m41) been single, lonely and depressed since H.S. never met anyone ""special"". Never been on an actual ""date"". Thought I would try tinder, since my area is a few years behind the technology curve. Those sites/apps are all the same. I have tried them for the last 10 years, and have yet to find anyone even remotely interested.I have been trying to admit for years that it was over. But, hope is a damned thing.It would have been nice, somewhere in the 20 yrs, if someone was even looking/interested.it is hard to accept, when your depression is based off of being lonely/rejected and treated as an outsider (even from ""friends""). Quitting tinder/online dating.",Depression +17253,I am so overwhelmed right now. I am extremely scared for my future. I just realized how fast my life is moving and how temporary everything is. I remember being 11 like it was yesterday - what the fuck happened? where did that time go? how did all these years pass by so fast?I need to find a job. I need to start saving up money. I probably should start investing. but I am just so fucking overwhelmed. I hate how fast its all moving. life is throwing shit at me that I am not at all ready for. I need to be a kid again. I am just so so so so so scared of what life throws at me in the future. I am overwhelmed and scared as fuck. life is so extremely fucking overwhelming but you are expected to just push through it without asking questions,Suicidal +17254,"I have messed up my life so bad after almost turning it around. It hurts so much not being the person you know you should be if you were not such an idiot. I think I met the girl I want to marry but I am not financially or emotionally stable enough to live a happy life with her, and I do not even know if she would agree to go on a date with me. What even is the point? I am 26, live with my parents, have no friends, and cannot be with the person that I think is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. It all just hurts so much. I really wish I could do it.",Suicidal +17255,"I am 33 and have had 2 major depressive episodes since college (where my depression first became an issue). Both episodes followed an almost identical pattern:* **I am doing exceptionally well and my self-esteem is at a high point.**Leading up to the first episode, Id just received my first ever promotion since starting my professional career and Id won a pretty significant local award for my art. Leading up to the second episode, Id just received huge promotion at work and had spent the Covid lockdown on a major self improvement kick. I got into the best shape of my life (visible 6 pack for the 1st time in years!), learned to cook well, did a home teeth whitening kit, bought a bunch of new clothes, etc.* **I meet a girl who I am really attracted to, and we hit things off immediately**In both cases, these were women who I met organically IRL instead of through online dating. We clicked immediately and started spending a lot of 1:1 time together and texting daily. * **I get rejected**The first girl initially accepted my dinner invitation without hesitation, but then texted me a few hours later to say that she was intrigued by me but still had strong feelings for her ex. They did end up getting back together within weeks and dating for a while.The second (current) girl told me that her life was upside down right now. she would just moved across the country to a new city where I was the only person she knew (our parents are friends, but wed only met once before she moved here). She gave me a spiel about how Id be lying if I said I had not thought about it and If you were just someone I met at a bar or on Bumble but that I am literally her emergency contact and the only stable, trusted friend she has here.* **My self esteem plummets from all-time highs to rock bottom**My internal monologue changes overnight from you are crushing it! to a constant stream of You were stupid to think a girl like that would ever want you, you will never be happy, you should just kill yourself (I am not going to, but its an intrusive thought that pops up a lot).All of my friends are getting engaged/married, and buying homes with their significant others, and my dating life pretty much consists of sleeping with women I do not even like just to feel less alone. I just want, more than anything, to be with someone who I am actually excited to be with. The thing that triggers my depressive episodes is also the thing I need if I am ever going to be happy",Depression +17256,"My dream is to die quietly in my sleep. =) Do you have any dreams, or goals? You have to have something!",Depression +17257,"I used to drink almost nightly due to my depression. Recently it has worsened to the point where I literally do not feel have the energy to do anything besides work anymore and its actually terrifying. I went in a backpacking trip this past weekend and while it was amazing, the depression came back ten fold since my return. I have suicidal thoughts *constantly* (i have dealt with them since i was a young child) and I have lost all joy in activities I used to love unless I am on vacation. I have a very bad feeling about this particular depression wave. Normally I begin to feel better after a few days of feeling like this but for the past couple months (except this past weekend) it has been extremely overwhelming. I have had people at work comment on me looking down (including my boss) and even people I have never met (customers) ask me what is wrong when I think I am putting on a decent mask.I am breaking down crying every single day. I used to cope with alcohol but now I literally just lay here completely numb. I do not know where I am going with this, but if my account goes dead over the next few weeks then its because its just too much. I do not even have the energy to drink alcohol anymore.",Depression +17258,"Hi people, on mobile so there is thatThis has literally just happened and I am honest about messed up about it, no idea if this is the right place but here goesI've just got back from taking my friend to a & e following them taking an OD.They have been struggling for ages now with there mental health and recent events only made it worse.Without going into there details as it is not my place to say, just know that it was bad.I have been Struggling to support them for the past few weeks and have been on sucide watch with them the whole time, I have called everyone about her trying to get help but no one listened and it is all just taken a toll.I will try to reply but might take awhile as am still in shock I guess Just need somewhere to vent I guess",Suicidal +17259,"I used to think wanting things was just a gas to get them. Like you want a car so you would work more to get it. But now even a travel to my relatives, for 7 days I just want to get my underwear and all Pyjamas. I just do not have the same fire burning. I found a song called avatars love that dramatic ending tune you could sometimes encounter in the show. Yet it made me feel more relaxed and nullified now? Ynow that breaking point comes with depression is just like if I did scenario in my mind. Just want you to now that, happiness is not achieved, even if ozai were to succeed in his plan of having the world like a zoo, I am sure he would be so tired after there was no power to achieve. Happiness is self progression, that you find out miraculously so random, poor does not become happy rich, becomes happy when it found its way to move forward. What makes you happy is not what you get, but road you went through. Makes you proud and self confident. But a little help would be a sugar, softening the tea as uncle iroh say While It Is Always Best To Believe In Oneself, A Little Help From Others Can Be A Great Blessing I just do not even care anymore",Depression +17260,"My parents let my kitten out because they are never carefull, my kitten is 3 months and now she can be eaten by the dogs who keeps biting my adult cats. I want to kill myself. I watched her being born. I want to die painfully please My kitty got lost and now I want to kill myself",Suicidal +17261,"Everything we have ever done or will do, we are going to do over and over and over again. Time is a flat circle",Suicidal +17262,Please do not. I would love to be there personally for every single one of you. You are loved and respected and I am happy to talk to anyone if it helps. Take care of yourself and take care of each other I understand,Suicidal +17263,"hi everyone, not sure if this is the right sub for this but it is nearly midnight here and I am having a bit of a rough night. i thought having a mundane sort of conversation with someone for a little while to calm down might help (I am not in immediate danger right now, just need a distraction). please feel free to reply to this and just tell me how your day's been going so far. Looking for someone to talk to",Suicidal +17264,"Goodbye. I am going to attempt tonight, wish me luck.",Suicidal +17265,I do not want to die at all. I want out of it. I have all these dreams I put on the shelf to look at and never achieve. I found the love of my life only to watch him move to the other side of the country and leave me behind. My life has turned to into a torture chamber. I am bored and I am not doing anything. I want to escape my life. Yet I am here not living and not dying wondering what the meaning of this nightmare is. I think about dying but I do not want to die,Suicidal +17266,"I fucking did it again. I hurt someone again and left them miserable. I am tired of this bullshit. I cannot believe I made them feel comfortable talking to me and hurt them in the end. Who the fuck is giving me the right and freedom to hurt and disappoint people? Never have I been able to make someone happy. Not once. Even in the slightest bit. Might as well end it guys. Failed the first two times. Third time is the charm. To the people I hurt, I am genuinely sorry. I am not nice to be around. I am out. I did it again.",Suicidal +17267,"I have been battling constant suicidal thoughts in the last month, hopelessness, I even started seld harming. Suddenly, my mother who previously had a downplaying attitude to it, changed and now she started listening to me and caring about me. I finally vented out all my anger and suffering.Now I am not really feeling better, rather feeling numb and isolated. Maybe Its a bit better, since I do not think about suicide that much, or self harm, but I am basically just on autopilot. I sit down in front of the computer once I gathered the energy to get out of bed, and keep playing, or watch youtube, all day long. I do not even have time to think about anything, I honestly do not know how I am feeling.Is this a normal part of depression? Maybe I was stupid and faking depression somehow, id this should not be like this? I am so fucking confused about my feeling and thoughts, I just want to flow away Does this mean something? Feeling super numb",Depression +17268,was doing a course in uni that i hated. did not show up to any of my exams because i kept trying to kill myself. parents care about grades more than me. parents found out about grades. father beat me up. mother will not even look at me. they are going to hold it over my head for the rest of my life. cannot move out. cannot get away. dying is the only option. hopefully I will suceed this time. the jig is up,Suicidal +17269,"I guess this is my life now, idfk. I wake up, and just wait for the day to pass, so I can go to bed again.",Depression +17270,"I have accepted everyone I have known and met to be a sea of lies, I do not care anymore I have accepted what will come. Loneliness will be the death of me",Suicidal +17271,I am so fed up with depression and just wanting to die that even when people around me open up about their own problems I have no energy to be supportive. All I can bring myself to respond is something like welcome to the club. What an asshole Being dead would be so much easier,Suicidal +17272,"Nothing should be wrong, but everything feels wrong. I have a great job, just got a new car, I have people who I think care about me. I just feel alone. I feel like a burden to life itself. I feel like no one really cares if I breathe or die. I feel like if I disappeared tomorrow no one would bat an eye. I just feel like I am floating through life and I am a waste of space. I almost want to just give all of my belongings away and let someone else take them. Someone else would deserve them way more than I do. I miss the feeling of happiness and waking up excited. I miss feeling loved. I miss feeling like I mattered. Really not trying trying to have a pity party or make anyone feel obligated to reply. I just felt like sharing this somewhere. Maybe someone will read it and relate. I do not know. All I do know is that I am a 24 year old women with no will to live. I am just at the end I feel like. I feel guilt for how this could affect family or those close to me. I just cannot do it anymore. This is my apology and explanation. Maybe someone will find it. Sending love to anyone else in this subreddit. Really considering ending my life",Suicidal +17273,"I am 22 years and at the last year of my education. Everything up to this point has been awful. (unsupportive religious parents, social anxiety, BRFU syndrome) But now its going to get much much worse, as soon as I graduate I have to attend a brutal mandatory military training program for 6 months and after that as a grown man I will have to get a job or whatever. And after that my life is going to just suck. Most of time will be spent at work which I will not enjoy because I do not want to work and the rest of my time will be spent being depressed about all the times I was supposed to be happy but was actually miserable. I do not see a reason to continue this. Overall, its going to suck and I do not want to go through with that. I want to die because I enjoyed nothing so far and its going to get much much worse",Suicidal +17274,Hey I am really going throw a bad time right now Anyone free to chat .. ..,Depression +17275,"I am so done with my misery. I am tired. Tired going to bed every night. Tired waking up every morning. Tired listening to how fucking dumb i am every day. Tired looking for a job. Tired opening up to other people, for them to just make fun of me, or pretend that they care. Tired to tell myself ""only reason I am still alive is i do not want to destroy my brothers life"" knowing that my brother would not even care, only real reason is me being a coward. Tired looking for a fucking reason in tomorrow...I do not know what to do. I do not know why even try.When i fell, my friends, my family showed their real faces. Showed how much they do not care. How much they do not want to deal with my shit. How much they just want me to leave...I wish i had the will to just end it. I am done. Take it away, i do not want it...I wish I could just restart this fucking game. Just delete old saves, and start over. I fucking wish.I hope everyone reading this have someone around during hard times. Everyone deserves it. I hope you are happy. Tired",Depression +17276,"I just hope that you know, whatever troubles you today or maybe longer, you will eventually get out of it. There are people who love you. Stay strong I LOVE YOU",Suicidal +17277,"I do not know why, but recently (last 3 years) I just have not been happy. I have constantly been in a depressed mood. All the things that used to make me happy no longer bring me joy. I exercise frequently, participate in sports, and hang out with friends. I just do not know anymore I just do not want to continue to feel this same shitty way. I keep on telling myself it will go away but it just has not. I am never happy",Suicidal +17278,"TLDR When I am not good at something it bothers me until I am depressed and hating myselfEvery time I play a game of chess or I figure out something I am not good at it bothers me like hell I cannot get over the things I am not good at even if I do not enjoy it. I hit myself in the head and stress ALOT about things that I do not even enjoy.it is weird it is like I do not specifically enjoy the thing I am doing like chess,hair, etc and I still stress about it.I do not KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN. I do not remember the last time I specifically had fun because I am too serious and competetive. This is why I deleted social media. Whenever someone tells me (maybe this thing is not for you) I see it as a insult that me as a person is not smart or good enough for this specific activity and it pisses me off. I want to be good at everything and it bothers me when I am not. I lose or fail at something like a video game and it runs my day and I let it. it is so hard to not let the little things bother me.Is this perfectionism? Or am I just trying too hard at everything? How do I get rid of this?",Depression +17279,"It gets harder and harder the more people you befriend and the more involved you get in peoples lives. If I had killed myself 10 years ago, my boyfriend of 6 years would be spared of a lot of pain. So would all of my friends. The would not have met me yet. I wish I had killed myself when I was a teenager",Depression +17280,"it feels like i have a constant brain fog, every time i go out i feel super fuzzy and out of myself. if I am talking to someone its like i can hear what they are saying but I am completely out of it and when i try to speak my voice comes off really quiet and slow, and i can only say 2 or 3 words. i cannot concentrate in school and i just feel like I am losing mental capacity, i forget basic words and i literally cannot solve simple math equations in my mind because its like there is a block that will not let me think. i feel so tired and slow all the time and I am worried that this is going to impact me academically when school starts again :( i also cannot sleep at night and then i take 4 hour naps in the afternoon, i think its messing up with my brain but oh well feels like I am quickly dumbing down",Depression +17281,"My SO broke up with me recently. We were together for almost half of my life. I were always a very withdrawn and introverted person. I have lost my entire social network over the years. And now that my SO is also leaving me, i have no one left. I still have feelings for this person but it feels so distant and cold at the moment. I do not know how to handle this emotional mess. I am not strong enough to let go but at the same time i do not want to bother them on their way to their happiness. I really want to see my SO happy but seeing them happy without me just breaks my heart. I have no one left to talk about this. I feel like a part of me has been amputated. I have never been so unhappy in my life. If i just were more a social person i could have prevent this. I really wish i were never born. My SO would have never met me and would not have to suffer by having to endure me. At least my SO can now be happy. I can never forgive myself for being such an awkward Idiot, sitting alone at home, prefer to do nothing out of fear to trust new people. I have not sleept or eaten properly since then. I hate myself.I wish i could disappear without an explanation.I do not know if i ever can move on.I will forever be alone, sitting in front of my desk, scrolling through the internet. I do not want to die but i wish i was never born",Suicidal +17282,"Everyone has it easy, everyone has it better, everyone has a financial safety net and if they do not they probably at least have better earning potential, everyone has a significant other, everyone has a home and a bed, everyone has a dog or cat they cherish, everyone has no anxiety, everyone has confidence. Except for me. I am all alone. That is how I feel. I feel like I am the only one suffering",Depression +17283,"Recently, i saw somewhere reddit that there was a chat option instead of calling the suicide hotline. Is this true? How do i access this? And if anyone is willing to share, what do they say/talk about when you call/message them? P.S. Sorry for my English. I have a question about the hotline",Suicidal +17284,"After having worked on myself so hard and getting back in contact with him, things were going wonderfully. I fixed so much of the problems that caused issues in our relationship. We were meeting every week and slowly getting closer again. Until last night.Of course I could not control my drinking at the bar and of course I had to start a fight with him. I do not even remember what I did or told him, but it was enough for him to say he does not care about me anymore and never wants to talk to me again. The one thing I remember is begging him to please tell me why this was happening and to not leave. He took back his apartment key from me and gave me back mine. it is over for good. The one person I have ever loved is gone and it is all my fault.I feel like such a failure for having lost control of my drinking. I am such an idiot for ruining the second chance I got. I love him so much and I failed him as a boyfriend not once, but twice. Now, I just want to end it all. I have to end it all. I just cannot continue knowing that I set myself on this path. Knowing that I broke his heart.I do not know when I am going to do it, but I know it is going to be soon. I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts and the biggest regret I have always had was not going through with my suicide back when I was a teen. All of this pain could have been avoided if I had just gone through with it.I do not care if there is anything after death. I am just so tired of this life.I know everyone will be better off without me. I Was Finally Reconnecting With My Ex Until I Ruined It Last Night",Suicidal +17285,"Friends are few, family would never miss me (literally). My husband and I have grown apart. I am bored, lonely and hate my life. I am 53 and completely disappointed. I want to know if I can literally escape and start a new life. Can I run away and start over?",Depression +17286,"So I am 24 in a pretty shitty spot: just failed university after already having retakes, poor, barely any family, stupid, cowardly , no relationship or sexual history- and due to a selection of physical bad hands, anxiety and bad social skills that does not look to change any time soon- and simply zero work rate, years of procrastination and depressive symptoms so future career prospects are in the gutter as well. I have always been confident I would never kill myself because of how it would affect my family members, but as the perspective of my situation has gotten more clear due to the stress of university I have borderline fantasized over it, I have known for years now on what I need to do to improve my situation but never had the discipline to stick with my attempts. honestly I know realistically I will never amount to anything or start a family and feel worse as time goes on, being a fuck up at 18 is fine you can fix it and have a good youth and future, fuck up at 30 I presume is soul destroying let alone being alone at 50. Rambled a bit but is it normal or concerning to have thoughts involving suicide even if you do not think you will do it? Are these thoughts that can escalate? Is it normal to have thoughts of suicide when your life is a mess even if you think you would not do it?",Depression +17287,I do not have any goal or motivation for my live... I am going to be 18 soon and I am completely lost. The thought of working in some shitty job while constantly fighting battles against myself makes me sick. I am worthless anyway... My plan for life is too kill myself in a few years...,Depression +17288,"I do not know know if any of you do this but my mind always goes back to the past because modern times is a nightmare. I miss the old world before social media, smart phones, selfies and digital media.The late 90's and some of the early 00's is what I miss the most. Nostalgia is a doubled edged sword though because you can dream about it all you want but know you can never can go back which makes the nostalgia so damn painful it hurts my heart. it is like missing a home you can never go back to and now you are stuck in some horrible neighborhood where everything feels fake and shallow and people around you seem like aliens. Drowning myself in nostalgia because modern day feels like a dystopia hell hole",Depression +17289,"I never said I was going to get my license and drive around Houston, I just think I would feel less like a piece of shit failure if I had it instead of *requiring* being chauffeured around like a child. I fucking hate myself. I am so fucking useless and I wish I died in the fucking womb. My dad just reaffirmed for myself that my goals are unrealistic and I will never achieve them",Depression +17290,I have not been feeling well for the past year and have been in and out of depressive episodes every month and its starting to get exhausting and I have even started thinking about suicide again. I feel like I need help but at the same time I do not want to put my family through all of this again. I just do not know what to do. At what point do I go to the emergency room?,Depression +17291,"I am bored and tired, bored and tired of doing stuff and existing and occasionally I have the odd spurt of feeling motivated and doing shit, but most of the time, every afternoon and evening at the very least, I am just completely fucking unmotivated and bored. there is nothing I want to do, there is nothing I will want to do because nothing is worth shit, I want to die. I want it to be quick, jumping off my roof will take too long and I will panic on the way down, it needs to be something I can do fast and will not have time for second thoughts like when I tried to slit my wrist.I know my therapist said that this is ""eternity thinking"" but that is just an iteration of ""oh dark times come and go, you will feel better soon"" THE FUCK I WILL, HAPPINESS IS TEMPORARY AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.there is no fucking point in anything if I cannot change this, it is just something that comes over me and suddenly I realise I do not want to do anything apart from dieI think I need anti depressants, maybe then I would not be in fucking pain all the timeThe problem is I can hide it really well in front of the people who are there to help, and I do, as a defence mechanism, I see my best friends and they are like, are you okay, and I convince them that yeah I am fine and they have bigger things to worry about so they accept it but every day I am in fucking painI want to feel something different, either things need to change now or I need to die End me",Suicidal +17292,"Okay first of all I start by that my native language is not English, and I am also really bad at telling/explaining.So here it goes.As the title has suggest I do not know if I am living nor existing, I am just here for with no purpose, in the past few weeks, it feels like that I am sitting in the void in an empty room, whatever I do or want to do brings me down makes me exhausted and tired, I try to enjoy the things that I think I like but it just will not do it anymore, everything feels like a chore, or even better said it feels like that I am just a mindless robot, I wake up, go to work come back home, and that is it, even if I try to go outside, it does not feel like living. I have someone in my life that I have feelings for but lately I am asking myself whose feeling they are, as if I would not be me. I am in a constant self hatred, quilt, shame and all sort of negative emotions. I have already written two letters one for her and one for my parents (You guys know what I talk about), and it is just getting difficult by the day to fight against it. I have been trying to get help, but in the Area I am living in is almost impossible to find someone who is available and specialized in the type of therapy I need. It is a constant struggle, and it just feels like what ever I do makes zero sense.I tried to explain it as good as I can, I am sorry if most of you will not be able understand what I tried to write, talking is not my strength at all. But I thank you guys for taking your time and reading it. I do not feel like if I am living nor existing.",Depression +17293,"I started to take my drugs 10 months ago, but at the last month it stoped work with me :)Idk why! But i feel depressed so bad with no real reason, what can I do to help me throughout this bad feeling Help me pleas",Depression +17294,"I have never done anything right in my life. i continue to fail and never meet any expectationstheres nothing going on for me and I am nothing but a useless waste of space. my life feels so purposeless, nothing in the world would make me happier than to just dissipate. every time i go to sleep, i hope that i do not wake up or sometimes i wish id get a deadly disease so i can tell them to pull the plug immediately so i would not have to go through the daunting task of killing myself. i wish there were not so many risks of surviving while attempting suicide, because realistically i do not want more paini just want it all to be over. I am exhausted",Suicidal +17295,"I have been feeling so shitty for over a year now, I get suicidal thoughts everyday yet I am such a pussy. I have been struggling a lot with my gender and sexuality. I fucking hate school and I am starting college soon and I just know I cannot handle it. My parents are always on my back, I got really drunk one night and came out to my mum as bigender, I do not really know if I am but at the time it felt right, she freaked out and the next day both my parents were in my room screaming at me. My parents are divorced and I explicitly told my mum not to tell my dad. We do not get on and never have.They then got me tested for autism as apparently gender identity issues and autism are linked, regardless if they are got diagnosed but apparently I am really high functioning so it should not affect me much in life, they then blamed it all on that and we never spoke about it again. I am also pansexual but that last coming out ordeal has taught me my parents are not trustworthy or very supportive so fuck coming out again. I have been self harming for about 2 months now, I do not know wot it is about it but its the only time I feel anything. I have also been wanting to try girls clothes, I was born a guy and I have got no idea about my gender anymore but I know that I do like girls clothes however I have no way to get any, and my parents would definitely kick me out if I started wearing them. My friends are pretty supportive but i know they just do not get me, I do not blame them I do not either, it makes me feel so alone. The one positive as of late tho happened the other day when I was coming home from being out with my friends, I decided to run home instead of getting the bus, it was pitch black and I was just blasting my music and it actually felt pretty good. Anyway this was more of a rant I just really do not know wot tf to do I do not even know what to do anymore",Suicidal +17296,"I am scared that I am going to die alone or commit suicide before 30 if my life keeps going the way it goes. I am 19 currently never been in any kind of relationship socially anxious and all i do when I am not at work all i do is whack off and play video games, i see fucking nothing in the future for me i have only a few friends and even they seem to just tolerate me instead of actually enjoying my company. i got medication about a year ago and they help from day to day but i still just feel hollow like nothing i do matters, I have been getting my drivers license for the past fucking year because I am too scared of failing to actually try and do the test... I am just tired of this sometimes i wish it was me who died and not my brother but then i remember that he would probably be in my shoes if it was me who was gone and i would not wish that on anyone. I am terrified of the future.",Depression +17297,"I will preface by saying the last 15 years of my life have been sheer and utter hellfamily and other abuse in my teen years, constantly struggling through college on my own, abusive romantic relationship*s*, my own health issues, family members bad health choices sending them in and out of the ICU and the last few months I have struggled with the murder of one of my very best friends. I have just reached my breaking point, you know? The metaphorical straw is I have had a plumbing issue in my new house. This house has been nothing but problems since the day I got the keys. Our home warranty is expiring in a few weeks and I thought I might as well try a claim since I have handled every single other crisis on my own, I might as well try to get my moneys worth. If there is one thing you can take from this word vomit, do not bother with home warranties. Turns out its more headache than its worth. I filed a claim, and they charge a $100 service technician fee by deploying a contractor of their choice. The person they sent came unprepared and did not have the right tools to even try and diagnose the problem. The technician told me that its totally fine that sewer gas is leaking into our walls. I had to explain to him that no, I cannot just ignore a toxic and flammable gas pouring into my wall just because I do not use that drain very often. So he declared he does not touch ceilings (to look in the space where the pipe is when he did not bring the right tools to look in the drain) and left. And of course, my warranty claim was marked as completed right away. Deciding that its not worth pursuing fixing the problem with this company, I called and asked for a refund of the service technician fee because they failed to diagnose the problem or do, well, anything. And of course Tim with a thick accent and in a wind tunnel from oceans away is the only person I could talk to. They refuse to refund the money merely because a service tech walked through my door even though they did nothing. Apparently an unprepared technician with dangerous advice is worth $100. I have gone around and around with Tim and their online customer service and am met with nothing but canned scripted responses with I am sorry you are dissatisfied with your service per your contract Without using a human functioning brain to think well, huh, the contractor did not actually DO anything. You know, if I were to mess up at my job, we would not pass that on to the clientwed eat it ourselves. Such is the cost of doing business and making a mistake. Tim apparently is on an island all by himself because there is no one to transfer to.Its not even about the money itself$100 is not breaking the bank for me. Its the principle of the matter that every second of my life has to be hard. Every thing is a fight. Nothing can just WORK. I spend hours arguing on the phone with my health insurance because they have denied another claim yet again. Hunting down doctors and clinics that do not answer phones or send your message to die in a voicemail box no one checks. I spend hours on the phone arguing with the local utility company because despite having payment confirmation right in hand, they declare I have not paid and am getting water shut off in 30 minutes. Its the never ending research, calling, following up, arguing and everything with contractors to fix this damn house. The incessant advertisements, spam calls, marketing emails, update this! or sign up for that! That fills up my day. We all get 24 hours a day, 9 of mine are devoted to work, a handful of hours for sleep if I am lucky, and somewhere in there I am supposed to figure out how to have the mental stamina to eat, bathe, work out, and clean. The rest is spent constantly having to fight SOMETHING. there is no time to do anything good for myself. I cannot work on level 2 things in life if I am constantly fighting in level 1. I had goals, dreams and hopes. Aspirations and hobbies. It all feels so futile and pointless now. How can I study for the LSAT when all of my waking hours are filled with garbage like this? How can I allow myself to relax and have hopes for the future when any time I think maybe the latest storm is passing and I can breath, the latest new tragedy strikes. It happened again the day before I lost my best friend. I dared to have the audacity to think it was finally time to study and go to law school and then boomthe next morning I get the call that they are dead. It happens every time. So this $100its symbolic of how our (as the little people in this capitalistic hellscape that is the USA) entire existence is for exploiting. Marketing. Manipulating us to buy, buy, buy. No one is on our side. We can file complaints and charge backs but in the end, the corporation is all that matters. Nothing will happen to them, and we are all getting squashed. I have wanted to kill myself ever since I gained consciousness as a child. For 25 years, I have wanted to die. I always held out for the maybe when. Maybe life will be worth living when I move out of my abusive familys home. Or when I graduate college. Or when I get my adult job. Or when I can finally leave an abusive relationship. When I get married. Every time I have fought to remove something toxic in my life, another toxicity takes its place. I have reached the point where there is no more maybe when. I am maxed out in life. there is no more next steps for me. I have done all the things. I graduated high school and college, got a real adult job, I am married and bought a house. All of my friends are leaving me behind in the dust with their advanced degrees they got because they had family support and their kids they get to have because their families will watch them. I will have none of those things because I have to choose between paying student loans that never go down and health care that covers nothing versus going to school or having kids. The math does not add up. I do not know where to go from here. Every second of my life is a battle and I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being under the thumb of this terrible culture. The American dream is actually just a nightmare with an iPhone in hand. there is no one on our side. I cannot even talk to real people in my life because I get dismissed with its not so bad, stop playing the victim, stop with the woe is me. I have just stopped talking to people. I cannot even pay someone to listen to me by starting therapy because the places will not call me back.The sheer injustice of $100 getting pissed into the wind really might send me over the edge. Thanks, Tim. I hope they at least pay you well to justify engaging in such a horrible business model. I do not remember the last good day I had. Losing $100 might be enough to finally send me over the edge.",Suicidal +17298,Attempted to commit suicide. I grabbed a knife and cut through my wrists lengthwise and when the blood was coming out I started feel sick and felt like vomiting. Then the funniest thing ever was that the blood I thought would run out stopped because it formed into clots. I guess i was given yet another chance to live. Fuck my life. Silly wristcutting,Suicidal +17299,"I am a 17 year old male that has suicide thought and attempts. I feel like everyone is watching me over and over again. I have got PTSD, Autism, ADHD, paronia, suicide thought, depression, I hear voice and I am on anti-depressants. The past couple of years my depression has not been that bad but now it like everything I push to one side is back and I cannot keep fighting like this anymore I am in the morning I do not even want to take my meds. When I am out I feel like commiting suicide. How do I stop the feeling, voice and the pain",Suicidal +17300,"I think it is finally happening. I have let every single person in my life down. My wife the most. She trusted me with 50k. I invested and almost made 200k. But a couple of days later I am down to 12k. we are already in a lot of debt. I do not have the heart to tell her. I was planning on paying off her loans, my loans, and getting us a place to stay so we could finally have 1 thing in our life go right. But it is all gone. I have disappointed her our whole marriage. I do not have any strength left to let her down. This is the breaking point. I do not think that I will be alive much longer. I will be looking at the best way to end it. I think it is finally happening",Suicidal +17301,"Even though i have a diagnosis, even though i know I am clearly not well mentally, i still feel invalid because I am not completely at rock bottom. I still smile, I still laugh, I still feel joy. Every damn time I laugh at some stupid joke or something, I immediately think ""why are you laughing? you are supposed to be depressed. you are a fraud, you are an attention seeker, you are a loser, you are a piece of shit"" I feel like I am faking my feelings and I feel really bad about it. i feel invalid because i still feel joy",Depression +17302,usually thinking about dying feels comforting but now I am just scared. i do not think i could do it but at the same time i feel like I am in a hole and its the only way out i think i just quit my job and I have never thought so seriously about suicide before,Suicidal +17303,"literally no one cares, i lay here in bed all day struggling to get up and do anything meanwhile everyone else is out and about having fun. which would usually be fine with me, but the fact that i just keep not getting invited just makes it worse and worse. nobody cares, nobody gives a flying fuck about me. it hurts so much and they do not even care having a dogshit day and legit nobody to talk to",Depression +17304,"So I was in a sad hole today. And kept spamming this girl I am talking to crazy stuff about me being suicidal and all that. I feel bad because she was being genuinely nice and trying to help. She still talks to me and says its okay but I feel really bad and, I know I am going to feel that suicidal again. I just want to stop randomly experiencing this and acting crazy I went off on this girl I am texting",Suicidal +17305,Our landlord decided to not renew our lease and it has made my depression make me feel horrible I have had untreated anxiety and depression that I have not had any treatment for years. I really need some support feeling better I cannot sleep I am not eating I am looking for other places its just hard since my mom is disabled and elderly. I just feel alone I really just want to talk I have no intention of harming myself I just cannot sleep or eat. Feeling depressed and anxious after our lease news I could really use some help feeling better,Depression +17306,"I tought i would be fine, i was saving money to begin a course and start working, i got an amazing and supportive boyfriend but even then i cannot get rid of all this pain... Today i took some pills to try to sleep a bit and make this all pass, but all i got was a stomach ache... I feel like a failure, I am mentally abused by my mom and i do not even have money to leave my house yet... i just wish i could suffer an accident and die or at least get the courage to take more pills and hang myself... Even tho i may have a future i cannot bring myself to keep living",Suicidal +17307,"I am done being me. I am ashamed to be me. Everyone I have ever loved is already dead or does not want me anymore. So why suffer in this misery any longer?And the things I am ashamed of are out of my control so, there is no fixing it. I have already begun giving away my few belongings, plan to donate the rest. I am an organ donor as well so I am hoping my organs will still be viable for someone else. May we all find our peace. It is not a matter of if anymore, but when.",Suicidal +17308,I feel unstable and unable to be on my own at the momentThis week has been bad for me. I am suffering from a lot of trauma and for some reason its all surfacing this week. I scratched my roommate severely during a panic attack in which he was helping me. Its a huge scratch and is going to scar. He called 911 because of me. Last night I had suicidal thoughts and could not be separated from him. I have slept in the same bed as him for the past week. I cannot be away or else my mind wanders and last night I was feeling suicidal. I am so terrified my girlfriend is going to leave me for literally no reason. Were happy and love each other. My therapist cancelled our session today because she is sick and I feel like that is the only thing that could have calmed me down. I do not know what to do I feel unstable and unable to be on my own at the moment,Suicidal +17309,"Fuck my dad for abusing the hell out of my brain all these years, i wish you could feel what i feel you piece of shitFuck him for thinking he is superior, fuck him for marrying my 17 year old a literal child mother, making her dad force her to marry him Fuck him for creating me, i hate you, i wish i never existed, did you make kids so you could force your so called superiority on them? So you could make me your slave because I am a girl? It all just ends with a knife, you, me, my mom, anyone who thinks that i need to obey you even though they know you are shitty, i can end it all with a knife, you know? The knife you gave me 2 hours ago so i could scrub the floor of the house that you made me come here by threatening me, like alwaysFuck you for thinking I am weak, that i cannot get back at you, that whatever you do i would just shut up and obey more.I want to end it all now, are you satisfied? You motherfucker.This house that you grew up in, they made you believe you can control people, hit them if they disobeyed you, treat them like shit.Fuck you too, grandma, granpa, for teaching him all these shitty things about how he can abuse people.Fuck you too, mom, for never defending me in the slightest, always trying to be submissive to him, when you know all too well you can do something. You know, do not you, you just think you cannot be bothered, so you let it all happen. Fuck anyone who thinks they are superior, thinks they can abuse people they think are below them, all of you are fucking disgustingFuck society too, for making everyone believe that respect is something that is gained by blood, age or some shit.I do not respect anyone in this family, they never did anything to gain my respect anyway, they thought that because I am quiet, I am obeying them.No motherfuckers, surprise, i want to kill myself with the shittiest way possible now. I have so much hate bottled up in my brain, if i cannot hold myself anymore, i think I am just going to do it. Because why am i even living? I do not get it, this life is supposed to be mine, is not it?Then why are my so called ""family"" are allowed to control me in everyway possible? Huh? you are all piece of shits who had no meaning to me. I just want to be free from you, while i cannot even say these out loud, because you would not let me. Should i just end it?",Suicidal +17310,"I dated someone I thought was finally the one for 6 months until he suddenly pulled away and ended things without giving me a reason. 3 weeks later, my new job that I loved and just got a glowing review from superiors, cut me loose because they hired a more experienced person for my position and did not need me. I was floored by both endings. The firing happened last week. Now I cannot stop crying, cannot get out of bed, and feel miserable and sorry for myself. I take meds but its not working. I feel like a loser. I have nothing now. Back in May, I had the perfect boyfriend and job a d things were finally working out in my life after a lot of setbacks. Now I am back to square one and I am exhausted. I was laid off from my last job in Oct and was dumped by previous boyfriend last June. So 2 breakups and 2 job losses in one year. I am at the end of my rope. I am highly qualified in my field and I never had any work problems before covid. But working from home while going through a breakup, a family member death, and financial instability completely alone was making it harder to hit deadlines and it took a toll on my work performance. Neither company had any empathy towards its employees- my co worker was fired a week after his mom died because he missed one deadline..because his freakin mom died. If that tells you the cutthroat nature of the field I am in. Still, no excuses, I take responsibility for not being my best. Does anyone have any uplifting stories or things to make me feel a little less hopeless? Got dumped and fired within 3 weeks and I feel despondent. Not sure what to do.",Depression +17311,"I am a 27 yr old woman. Bc of the pandemic and stuff I had to move back in with my parents. My step dad was very inappropriate with me as a teen. My mom blamed me for it and is still married to him. I have to see him every day bc I do not have anywhere else to live. I am the first person in my family to graduate college. I recently got a new good paying job but I work from home and do not get my first paycheck until August bc it is monthly pay. I do not have enough money to leave yet. My bio dad was in prison for manufacturing most of my life, he just married a woman he is known for a few weeks and is raising her kid now. I have nightmares all the time. I am in therapy. Last night I had a dream I had my own house but lost my job so my mom told me to move back in with her and my step dad. In my dream I unalived myself so I would not have to see him again. I woke up in my parents house and my step dad was in the living room. I feel like my waking life is worse than that dream. I cannot afford to go out or drink or smoke right now. I have not left the house in many days and will not be able to until Sunday when I babysit for a little cash for gas and cigs. I just have to deal with it.I know I will be able to leave by the end of the year. But I do not know if I will make it that long having to see my step dad every day. I feel so isolated, I only have my dog to talk to really. No one else likes me to talk about this stuff. He started drinking again too. I am so scared I am not safe here. I do not want to be me anymore. I am so alone",Suicidal +17312,I cannot keep living like this I am suffering my own mom does not love me,Suicidal +17313,Not one childhood memory not tainted by the knowledge it ended in abuse. Not one romantic memory untainted knowing that everyone I kissed moved on to better people. I am so low I realized today that I do not have any memories untainted by sadness or worry.,Depression +17314,"i started writing my note & made a playlist last night. my thoughts say I am a narcissist and i do not want to get help if i am one, i just want to die. 2 or 300 pills i think. oh no",Suicidal +17315,"I remember that when i first got depression, it hurt like hell. And i hated it. But as an Arrogant fool that i was i always told myself that i will get through it alone and i do not need anybodys help, that i will handle it alone. After all, i am not weak... Yeah, one of the worst decisions.The worst thing about this was that it was getting worse as time went by. But i did not even realise that. You know why? Because i was getting more and more emotionally numb.Funny thing about that was that i actualy thought that its getting better because it did not hurt as much anymore.It got to the point where i do not even care about it. I just cannot be bothered. Its a really weird feeling. You know its bad. But you do not care. You just live in boredom all the time. Imagine feeling empty all day long. For years. I do not wish this to anyone.Just thought i would share my experience with depression. If you can, get help before you become numb, because while you might think that feeling hurt is worse, i can assure you its not. Be happy that you can feel sadness or anger. It makes you human. Being numb feels like you are not. My experience with depression",Depression +17316,"It is supposed to feel amazing. Instead of killing yourself (purposefully) has anyone ever thought about acquiring a solid heroin addiction? I mean, I would make everything better for the time being and you might get lucky and overdose at some point.",Suicidal +17317,"Everything in my life feels weird, I am happy-sad all the time, and productive but also burnt out, I could keep going about how I feel like there is a direct contrast between most aspects of my life but I want to keep this relatively short.Honestly I am just writing this to get the thoughts off my chest because I know I will probably forget about this tomorrow. I do not know if i have any mental illness but from what I have heard my symptoms are closest to depression. I am 18 and i feel like I have the perfect life but I have never been able to enjoy it. I do not know where the constant sadness goes or anything. I went to a great high school and did well academically and had a decent amount of friends and a great friend group. Alright, that is the context and I will now get into the depression symptom stuff. I have had thoughts that align with nihilism since i was like 13. I have this constant battle that feels like it is going on in my head between happiness and sadness. I have what feels like euphoric episodes that last a few days, so maybe that is just happiness? Idk, but it does not really last. Every good phase I have comes with a crashing low that drains me and leaves me with my thoughts and I do not know how I get out of it but it just a cycle. I do not fit into what I always thought depression was as I an able to be productive and do really well but I just burn out after. I cannot find any interests for most of the time and then i get super hyper focused on something and it feels like it is my calling in my life. I think I had been numbing my thoughts for nearly a year and just tried to think no thoughts and it worked but it left me feeling stupid as shit. I do not know how I return to how I used to be when I was less depressed or whatever or if I even can. I might add more to this and explain more but this is just all the thoughts that are running through my head. I do not know what I am looking for out of this post but if you want to say anything, feel free to.Also, is it normal to think this is all in my head? Like I am manifesting it or doing it to myself or something I feel like an oxymoron",Depression +17318,"I feel useless, I get no attentions by anyone and if I give others mine they just use me. I want to do a lot of things before I die but at the same time I want to kill myself I do not want my parents to know this but someone elses opinion could matter, in my opinion I do not know what to do",Suicidal +17319,"Hi,I do not really know how to start so I will just write my story in short. I am 23 yo (M) and I have been in a relationship once . I met her in school when i was 17 and and been with her for 2 and half years (ended over 3 years ago). She had depression and she did not handle it very well, she did not even try to make friends and she ended the friendships that she already had. She has not accepted any help from her family and eventually it was all on me, I was her only support without a lot of knowledge about the subject. It got harder when shetried to hurt herself, promised not to do it again but it happend again. I had to recruit for the army and came back home for a weekend every 2/3 weeks. Eventually I could not carry it all by myself anymore and broke up with her, one of the hardest things i had to do, I thought it would help her. do not want to go into more details but she took it very hard and it traumatized me at the time. Since then I tried to ""get back to the market"" with no success. I always got positive feedback from other people about my looks, my intelligence and my humor (do not take this post as an example), and I started believing it only not long ago. I decided to work on my confidence a few years ago and I really feel that I improved a lot. For 3 years since my breakup I have had so much disappointments. I tried dating apps, instagram, real life, match ups, but nothing worked. Almost every time it ended by lack of interest or in disappointment and me feeling like a total loser. Right now I am on vacation abroad so I decided to try tinder again. Got a match, we set a date, I got to her place... And she did not answer. Second time that happened to me and got many more stories like that. I am just so fed up with it I feel like I want to give up on meeting someone. I am so tired of expecting and then getting disappointed. I am starting to think maybe it is better to stop expecting so I will not feel like such a loser anymore. I am also tired of hearing people trying to cheer me up and saying it would eventually happen. Getting my hopes up and then getting crushed all over again.do not really know why I am writing here, just felt like sharing.Thanks if you read it all and sorry for bad english :/ Giving up on a relationship",Depression +17320,"Its like there is something inside me that no matter how good things get, I want to destroy myself. Maybe its that I just do not trust myself. My band just signed a record deal. I am staying on a boat in the Mediterranean. I should be so happy, but all I want to do is jump in the ocean and keep swimming till I drown. What does it take for these thoughts to go away!!!!???",Suicidal +17321,"Turns out I have family that work there. I am completely humiliated. I called a suicide hotline, went through the steps, was honest in answering, nobody there recognized my name and informed me family works there. Now I am at my family members house wanting to die more than ever. I am a big retarded burden, cannot even kill myself or get help right. I did not go to a crisis center",Depression +17322,"Spoke to a doctor taken well over a decade of denial and scraping by holding it together I was put on hold for 10 minutes and hung up a few weeks ago, but today I stuck it out and have an appointment coming up soon Actually looking forward to something that is not negative, here we go people step by step I finally made the jump (no not that one)",Depression +17323,"Why always reality hits harder than any other thing in this worldWhy reality gives more pain than any other painThe pain of regret, sorrow, anxiety, depression. The pain that no word can describe.What am I doing wrong? What am i doing right?If i am doing things right then when is this pain hurting me.Will I make my parents proud? The one's who always sacrificed everything for me and accepted the pain.Can I heal them?Always trying to make people laugh in the search of hiding this fucking pain has no solutionIts like venom inside my body, no matter what I do it increases inside and everytime tries to hit hard.Will this pain ever stop? Will I be ever okay? 19 M - what I feel I wrote down in words , 3 Am depression literally Hits hard",Depression +17324,"I feel like I am walkin' in circles, what is my purpose?",Depression +17325,"Just want to check out and go away, I am tired of the bullshit do not want to do the whole life thing anymore",Suicidal +17326,"i do not feel anything, i do not want anything, i do not even feel the reality, everything is so distant. Even my own body. I look at my hands while typing and i feel like it is a picture.I should not be. I want to put my mind at ease.The only thing that keep me through the day is my friend. I do not want them to feel bad. But i would be glad if they let me die. i am a corpse",Depression +17327,"After 83 days I could talk to them, and now we can slowly start talking againI think things are getting better for me :)Btw sorry for my English I DID IT, I GOT MY FRIENDS BACK",Depression +17328,What would you do if you live in a country where abuse and rape are the victims fault all the time Where you have to be so secretive about what happened to you because you know if people knew you will be blamed and hated for it What would you do if you cannot leave because you are too poor to do soWhat would you do? What to do if you are suffering but cannot get help because of the country you live in?,Suicidal +17329,I wish that those times I nearly died would have just killed me. I am so sick and tired of life. I wish I fucking drowned when I was in 3rd grade. I wish that car crashed into me and the motorcycle last time I was in Thailand.,Suicidal +17330,I have been taking 37.5 mg the past four days and just flushed my pills. Am I going to be OK to stop? I decided I do not want to take this. My doctor said I should continue but I do not want to Effexor,Depression +17331,I am 28 yo male for Pennsylvania with a 10mo pitbull puppy mix who is a sweetheart.. I have been in a narrsasitic relationship with what I can the only describe as the love of my love/ the reason I am still alive. Her family is so toxic and bad people the abuse she is delt with all her love I cannot even blame her for the things she is done.. but it is taken its toll I am about to be homeless have no family no friends no money.. she stole my identity and anything of value.. she closed my bank account after leaving them in the negative I do not even have a cell phone.. I just want to get away and suicide has been on the front of my mind.. I have been thru so much in life and always been there for anyone throwing my need cares or wants aside and been strong for everyone and now I cannot even be strong for myself..I want to leave Philadelphia and try to actually live for once.. I need advice or help please I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +17332,"I get this constant nagging feeling that I am just born wrong, or something about myself makes me the least interesting person to exist. I feel invisible. I feel lost. I feel unmotivated. I feel extremely lonely with no one to express or confide in. Despite how creative I try to be or how much I try to learn, I keep failing and keep getting increasingly brain-dead. Despite how thankful I try to be with what I have in life, I do not feel happy, fulfilled, or satisfied. My goals and purpose are dissolving. I feel unnoticed and unguided. I constantly imagine myself being shunned when I reach out. I feel detached, and completely helpless. I wanted to grow and always stand apart from those around me. I have always wanted to become the most interesting person in a room. I thrive on social life and love people and try to be my best version amongst people. I try to look my best without forcing myself to be conventional. I try my best, yet I get miserably opposite results. I try my best, yet am able to attract nothing. I feel extremely lonely and un-purposeful. I do not want to live, I am tired of it all. I feel like shit, with no one to talk to. I feel like giving up.",Depression +17333,"I am high rn btwSo recently I started smoking weed again, and my doctor prescribed me ssri's and I am in the midst of being screened for depression and anxiety.So recently everyday feels like a constant loop. I wake up take these pills, and then I just smoke weed all day. I do not even want to smoke though, it disgusts me. I just catch myself doing it without even thinking about it, and now I am just sitting here questioning my sanity, because I feel like a brainless doped up kid that cannot control himself. Everyday feeling like a loop",Depression +17334,"I do not enjoy anything. I am not creative anymore. I am stuck at home, living with my parents. I got some time off work and I do not know what to do with myself. Its also really lonely. Idk what to do with my life",Depression +17335,"My phone is not working, my charger stopped working, my plans fell through. I am having bad cramps. I am sad. Rough week- vacation onto bad start",Suicidal +17336,"Just wanted to post that. My cat died this morning. He was struggling for 2 years, became extremely thin, vet said could be cancer. Nevertheless, he was an extremely happy cat that was loved by his family and friends. We found him today in the morning paralyzed, no heartbeat, just lying on the ground. He was always an understanding and caring friend. He knew what I struggled with, and he was always ready to listen. I loved him. I knew that if he dies before me, I will be extremely lonely. I cannot believe that I was not able to pet him and wish him goodnight this evening...I feel so broken without him. He was part of my soul. Without him it is like part of me is gone.I miss you. I love you. I will never forget you. My cat died today",Depression +17337,"So, a bit about me: I am a 21 year old guy. Grew up in a family that strongly believes in academics to be the most important thing in life. Consequently, I had no lack of support from them for my studies, rather, saying ""I want to study"" was a common excuse for me to not do my chores. While I say excuse, I loved to study. We did not have internet or television, so most of what I read was textbooks provided by our school, and sometimes novels I took out of the school library. My school grades were top notch. The school itself was highly competitive, but when I graduated from high school, I had the fifth highest score in the school. Pretty good, everyone expects me to do well. I also did well in some entrance exams and got into a top university, studying CompSci.But that is where the happiness stops. The university is terrible at teaching, and that demotivated me from studying the subjects all by myself. The result? Terrible. My grades dropped. But still, they were not that terrible in my first year. I had a fail grade in one subject which I cleared. But then, that one fail grade completely demotivated me. I stopped paying attention to classes, and eventually stopped going to them. My friends and some of the better professors would ask me what is wrong, and I would do my best to avoid them. Eventually, I was scared to even go out lest I will meet some of my classmates or teachers. And the result was obvious, I failed all the classes that semester.Now, I was too scared to tell this to my family. They were bad enough when I had one failed subject last time, and warned me that I will be not allowed to continue studying and waste their money if I just wanted to fail. So I showed a fake grade sheet. And yes, they want to see the grade sheet or they will not pay for the next semester. I thought I would maybe clear those subjects one by one and they would not know. But now the shame of missing most of the classes in the last semester caught up, and I realised I could not concentrate in the classes at all. No one would talk to me voluntarily, and they would just answer very short when I ask something, and sometimes will not even do that. So eventually, that semester got fucked too.And this happened the next time too. I failed most of the subjects and had to fake my grades. But the university had terminated me, and I had to appeal for them to reinstate me. They did, and I had to retake the previous years subjects. But I did not know anyone from the class, and again, could not concentrate. I had planned to kill myself in the end of summer semester 2020, but because of the pandemic, we had to go back home. Back home, I pretended to be attending lectures while doing something else on my laptop. The last year I attended exactly 0 classes.Of course, my family thinks I am studying, but I am not. Remember I said I loved to read? Now I cannot even fucking concentration on reading something. Every night when I sleep, I promise myself that I will start studying tomorrow, but that never happens. The moment I open my textbook or some website to study, I lose all motivation. I cannot do it.Today was supposed to be the day I graduate and receive my degree. My family does not know. And they are one phone call away from knowing. we are not too rich, we cannot afford a regular psychiatrist. And anyway, I will be the one blamed, because that is how it has always been here. If I score low in a paper, it is because I did not study enough, not because I had a fever. I had a fever because I am too lazy to study. What do you think I will get when I say ""I have been failing for three years, I have just been faking my grades.""? I do not even have enough skills to find a job, and no one wants to hire a student who failed three years and could not get help for himself. And academics was the only thing I was ever good at.Frankly, every night I pray that I will not wake up alive. I do not have the guts to slice my wrist or stab myself in the heart or hang myself or something else. I have came close to completing those things, but I just cannot do it. I have ruined my life, and I hate myself.",Depression +17338,"Not even an hour ago I was fired from a job that I really enjoyed and felt like I belonged in. But they told me that I just did not fit, and that I was being let go. I have never had this happen to me and I am taking it terribly. Just keep looking at my pills and knives and wanting to just end it there. I feel like a failure, like no one wants me around and that I am never going to find anything meaningful to do. People say that they believe in me or think I am going to do great things but at this point I think they are just saying it out of pity.Like what is the point, if I just wind up dead then the world will keep spinning and nothing will change. I have nothing to my name. Just got fired from a job I thought was going to be perfect",Suicidal +17339,"During the day, when I have to interact with others, I basically always play a role that masks my inside. I change my behaviour, topics I talk about and to some extent even vocabulary according to the person I talk to. As soon as I am alone I feel just empty again, I am feeling like I have no personality at all. During the day I play a functioning human, during the night I suffocate in self loathing, self harm urges and suicidal fantasies.When I laugh or talk about whatever, it is only superficial. It does not really stimulate my brain, my emotions are only shallow and short living. I feel like I am just playing roles while being completely empty inside.",Depression +17340,"I am so sick of being excluded from everything, my friends seem like they are embarrassed of being with me.I barely have any friends, I hate my appearance.I hate feeling useless and that no one gives a shit about me.I want to cut myself again, its the only way to relieve the pain.I hate seeing people all happy together and i am here in pain.I hate my classmates so much and I hate seeing them all in groups and leaving me behind.I hate my life.I wish there was a way to end this shit and to reborn again to a more decent life.I hate feeling lonely and that no one likes me. I just want to die",Depression +17341,"Today I just felt shitty again, no reason just feel like crap. This has been going on for a while, I do not tell anyone I know in real life (family, the one real friend I have, the next door neighbours cat) about this but I have recently started crying in the shower, letting my composure drop when I know no one is watching. If you saw me in real life I would probably be smiling sheepishly, looking at my phone or reading a book. At home though, I am a mess, a sad, self-loathing fricking mess. I will literally sit on my bed and stare blankly at the wall, thinking of all my failures in life and that my dreams are unattainable, and worse still I cannot tell anyone how I am feeling. For context, I am 13 years old and my parents do not think kids can have depression, plus I do not want to displease them with my own issues. My ""friends"" are not really friends at all, it is very one-sided as if they only remember my number when they need help, the only true friend I have is struggling with her own problems so I do not want to worry her either. I cannot talk to a professional because they would tell my parents, so recently I have developed my own self help method. You see, when I am in pain, the sadness is pushed aside leaving only lovely, stinging, sweet, sore, joy-inducing, bleeding pain, so I have started scratching at my arms to try and draw blood, it has worked as well. I also punch myself sometimes, a bit of head bashing against the wall when I am feeling really down and nobody is home. They have not caught onto it yet and I sure as heck am not going to open up about this to them, they would freak out if they knew I was just working may up the ladder, the eventual goal being to muster enough courage to end it. Please do not tell me to call a hotline and do not bother with 999, I am not in any danger yet, I just wanted to let this all out. I probably should have used a throwaway account for this but in all honesty I do not care, pain is a release for me so any advice to stop the self-harm will not be taken unfortunately. I am not looking for validation or ""It will get better"" type crap, I know it is not getting better, it is just a downward spiral from here, but at least I can keep telling myself that it is not depression, it is just a phase. that is what they would tell me and they must be right, I cannot have depression because my life situation is OK, I have a comfortable lifestyle. You know what, backtrack, these are first world issues, I am complaining about a bit of misery that every teen goes through, it is not depression. I am okay. I have to be okay. Because if I am not then I am just whinging and being a bitch. I am sorry, I will leave now. I claim to not have depression, but at this point I am not sure anymore... (TW: Self-harm and Suicide)",Depression +17342,"TLDR I am going to sell my car and put it all into the stock market. Either I get rich (trading options) and live happily ever after or lose it all and kill myself. I am 31, a Doordash driver, single (obviously) and at the end of my rope. I do not have the tenacity to keep driving fucking around all day every day till my car has issues then I spend all the money I made fixing it. Yeah I could get a job at Burger King maybe but I have had about 20 different minimum wage jobs in my life and I have quit them all after 3 months- I feel too old and uninspired to work my way up from rock bottom that way. I have been single 8 years. I am not terrible looking. I do not blame women for wanting a rich guy but I simply am not rich and never will be doing Doordash. The world is literally fucking ending, its time I risk it all. I just cannot take it anymore. I am going all or nothing",Depression +17343,"Every time I try to kill myself I plan it out, get the weapons ready, and plan a time and day. But before I can complete it, I always fuck it up by subconsciously crying for help, such as telling my friends and family I love them over and over again in a suspicious way, or telling my friends I think life is meaningless, how can I stop this How do I stop the subconscious cry for help",Suicidal +17344,"15yo, Idgaf, I do not care if I die or not, I will die, sooo why I should not have some fun (more likely drug rausch), Soo, any tip how to find a dealer for someone who is anti-social, shy and without drugie friends? I am sure this post will be deleted, I want and need answer Nothing to lose",Suicidal +17345,"Normally, I have ideations about it but now they are at their strongest. I am finally hoping that I die. I will not be the one to make sure it happens but I am going to pray for it, preferably in my sleep. Some may think its for the dumbest reason ever but that just makes me feel even more alone. Yesterday, after having a really fun night, my fucking brainless dad decided *that* would be the best time to tell me I got a standby summons for jury duty next month. I had so many plans set for this month but now they are all ruined. I was planning on having a birthday celebration next week, might not even do that anymore. I really wish he told me the week of or just a few days before but now the suspense is killing me. I am not a normal person. I know other people do not like jury duty either but they just suck it up and do it anyway. Ever since I found out last night, I have been taking depressive naps and I think I am in a depressive episode because I have not been able to smile or do anything that brings me joy. It just stays in the back of my head 24/7. Like I said, I am not normal. I have major anxiety especially when it comes to government-related stuff. Obviously I do not do anything against the law, I abide by it so its not like I am worried about being convicted or anything like that. Its just that when it comes to the DMV or Jury Duty or the TSA or anything like that, you are expected to know everything and know what to say and where to go and when to speak and what hand to raise and all that. If you do not, you look like the outcast and typically everyone else knows. It does not help that the employees are normally rude as fuck which gives me even more anxiety. Right now its on standby but I guarantee if I do get called to go, I am going to be at the wrong stand at the wrong time or I am not going to speak when they ask me to or I am going to accidentally speak when they were asking someone else. And then they will slam the gavel down, yell at me for contempt of court or something like that. Its not like a line at Starbucks where if you accidentally cut it, the barista will calmly tell you where the line starts. Perfection and flawlessness is expected in government-related stuff, which gives me stress since I am flawed and imperfect. I asked one of my friends how he got out of it (he told me his fiance will help him get out of it) a couple months ago. He said he did not get picked. While honest, he then did not give me any reassurance and said that they make it nearly impossible for people my age (mid-20s) to get out of it. I have checked Reddit and literally all of the advice is either silly or somewhat serious but still requires you to be there regardless no email or anything like that.My mom who was angry at my dad for picking the worst time to tell me the news is now yelling at me and mad at me for being depressed. she is just telling me to not be weak.Getting out of it is looking to be impossible according to friends, family and the Internet. I have no one on my side to give me reassurance during this extremely difficult time. I have a job that requires me to do constant work and this week was actually a relaxing week since my boss was not in for most of it, and I just had to find out this horrible news during this difficult week. I am almost done with all of my coursework for this semester but now there is no incentive for me to do it as efficiently as before since the jury duty date will be during my break. I really wish I did not know until a few days or even a week before. Life just feels like never ending stress to me. So I am hoping I can get out of it by just not being alive. that would be great. I finally wish it will happen.",Depression +17346,"I do not want to become anything , I do not want to do anything , I do not want to work hard, I do not want to go to school , I do not want to get a job , I do not want to live with my family , I do not want to achieve anything. I have nothing to prove, i do not have anything or anyone to live for and I do not particularly like existing very much. I do not want to exist. I have no dreams , goals , aspirations... I have nothing.",Suicidal +17347,"I can feel it. It is coming and there is nothing I can do about it. Part of me even wants it. it is an excuse to hide from the world. I tried to be a good person, laughing and smiling, making plans and looking at the future with hope and optimism, but that is is not me is it? no, that is what the world ask me to be and what I try to display. But it is coming back, the real me; and I do not think I want to stop it. its coming back",Depression +17348,"I have done everything. I do skincare twice a day and have no acne, I brush my teeth and floss, I brush out the mats in my hair and keep it clean, I exercise in the mornings, I do yoga before bed, I meditate, I journal to vent, I eat healthier, I do my favorite hobbies, and I do what I enjoy. But, I still feel like shit.I am healthier now, so much more than I was a year ago say, but on the inside, I still feel constantly tired. I have tried everything everyone recommends. I mean, self harm is still an issue, its an addiction after all, but I am twenty days sober and am going weak, but still going.Everyone is proud of me for making it this far, but, I am not. Everyday is a struggle to do it all, and everyday I find it harder and harder to get out of bed. I do it for my pets and my hobbies, and my friends. Its a momentary happiness, but I feel plagued and exhausted once these tasks are done. I cannot relax because my brain fills up with those nasty, disgusting thoughts again.I am also terrified because not even three months ago I was crying, sobbing constantly, and self harming like mad. I could not even bring myself to brush my teeth and my hair became impossible to brush. There was a period where I did not get out of bed for four days straight. Then, my health declined to the point my dad finally took me to a doctor, which was just a side effect of my depression. Nobody actually knows how mentally drained and exhausted I am. No one knows my mental illness that is constantly looming over me. I do not want to go back to that.I cannot take a break. Because once I do I remember it all. If I could just hop off a building and hit the ground, then get up afterwards without dying Id be fine. Or if I could just die and wake up a year from now, that would be amazing. it would be refreshing. But that is not reality.This feeling of weight pulling me into the ground, and the constant tiredness and sore muscles, will it ever go away? Will all of this go away some day and I can just be healthy like a normal person? I am doing everything right. I really am. Everyone is so proud of me. I just do not want to let them down. I just want to be normal. Even when I improve my habits and health, the mental strain of depression never goes away. Will it?",Depression +17349,i see so much suffering here and just like... what can i do?? how to offer support??,Suicidal +17350,"If I did a cut to blood on my hand ( not on the veins ), and I let it sit for about 1-2 week/s, and then I come and do another cut to blood on the same spot, would it be too visible ? Self harm",Suicidal +17351,"I have been having more and more suicidal thoughts, and I keep going through violent mood swings which just ends up hurting people I want to talk to mom about it but she is just going to send me to a mental hospital like she did with my sisters I cannot talk about my issues",Depression +17352,"Although in my last post I mentioned my situation was not that serious, posting it online made me feel better, so I am ready to open up a little more on the mental side of things, instead of the previous more material based one.This is not my suicide note to reddit, rather a way to see if I can put everything into words.I do not know what proper etiquette for suicide notes is but here goes nothing. While taking a walk in a forest, I realized I am at the lowest point in my life. I do not necessarily feel sad, it is hard to put into words. I have sudden urges to randomly cry yet I do not feel ""sad""I do not find any joy in life whatsoever. Every day feels like a chore, simply waking up is painful, as I open my eyes my thoughts start running, thinking of everything that bothers me about life.Dad, I love you. We do not talk much, we are both on the less talkative side but trust me I have never been mad at you and love you to death. you have been an amazing dad and nothing was your fault.Mom, I talk with you a lot more and love you just as much as dad. I can not imagine how you are feeling reading this letter, I do not expect you to understand nor accept this, but have peace in knowing I am happy, do not feel sorry for me, please. I have lots of friends, quite a few good ones even. I have an amazing family, yet I still feel alone somehow.Brother, you have been amazing my entire life, I know we do not spend time together anymore, but from the time we have spent you will always be the best bro.To everyone else, sorry for not naming you, you all have a place in my heart. I simply do not see the point in continuing this misery. As clich as it sounds, it all just feels so pointless. The aforementioned walk in a forest that made me realize all of this, I have never walked there before, yet it felt like a routine. Everything I do feels like a routine, I do not even feel control over myself. It almost feels like I have a certain path that I must follow - one that leads to continuous emptiness. Suicide is a way to break the cycle, not the best way, but the only one my simple brain could come up with Suicide note",Suicidal +17353,"I know i battle with depression, and recently as of july 1 sought help. I do not have any friends out here where i live. I am very much an introvert but will of course say please and ty and can live daily life. So my questuon is, i just got back from a vacation i had with my sister for 3 full days. We had a lot of fun, ate great food and had some good laughs. Now that I am home i feel sad again. Does this happen with ""regular"" people who do not battle depression. I slept in late, i know i needed it, my type1 diabetes was not doing good in the 110+ weather, walking around. I just feel like I am back to beung the same old me. Watch some YouTube videos, play some video games,eat and sleep. Heloo. First time post but would love some answers.",Depression +17354,"i guess I am just failing at everything. i never wanted to tell anyone in the first place, but i feel so awful and alone and the panic attacks keep coming anytime i let my mind wander too freely. i just thought maybe it would feel better to tell someone but they were too busy or did not understand my attempt at a serious conversation. i do not blame that person, i know they are not heartless and would care if i could ever just find the words. I have closed myself off and hid my feelings for so long that i really do not even know how to use my voice anymore. not for things that matter, anyways. I attempted to tell my friend I attempted",Suicidal +17355,"I am so tired of having to deal with depression. Sometimes things get good but it always goes back to shit. I want to die. I just think that it is my destiny/fate to commit suicide. I do not see a future for me. And as much as I want to do some good in this world, I am just so damn tired of fighting these battles in my head. I am tired",Suicidal +17356,"what even is mental health. everyone gets tired of helping. things progressively get worse. were all very happy when we meet nice people, and that is cos very few can empathize with our pain, or will even bother to bruh",Suicidal +17357,"I was bullied like almost everyone else and ever since life was different. I always thought there was a pre-defined mindset that I had to get myself to believe in to be happy (like ''I do not care what others think etc.). But that is bullshit, affirmations do not work and they will never work, because they do not change anything in your life.Everything somebody else can do for you is give you an explanation on why your brain is the way it is. There are no supplements, Affirmations, meditations, drugs, Therapies that will make a significant change.If you do not physically change something in your life everything will stay the same.Being bullied left me in an unconsciouss shame state that followed me everywhere. what is the easiest and most reliable way to live with Trauma? Coping strategies. My coping strategies were Videogames and social media.The bad thing in your life are not the circumstances, its how you react to them. Lock them up, cope them away with addictions, perform compulsions, evade them at any cost will never ever change something.Be clever and start recognising what your coping strategies are and just do not commit to them anymore. No affirmations necessary, your brain will sort things through by itself.Coping strategies are basically everything that make you feel good immediately (your smartphone, food, drugs...). If you do not try to stop your coping then you are not allowed to ask for help in my eyes because you should know what to do.How can you heal in circumstances that made you that way?You will notice that your life might get very silent, even lonely. But that is just the demons you locked away. You will learn to regulate your emotions again. Shame is the Key emotion why mental illness is so prevalent nowadays. This is how the sequence usually goes:Trauma->Shame->coping strategies->addictions->depression, ocd, anxiety, borderline, extreme narcissm... What your mental illness will be in the end depends on the person, some might get ocd and do compulsive information seeking, some might become grandiose narcissists and completely ignore their problem and just make it their daily life to get affirmation from others on social media.that is the thing about self esteem: It does not need a reason.Narcissism always needs a reason, mostly multiple times a day a. What does your brain need its emotional regulation for if you perform instant reward coping strategies instead? If you are as desperate as I was, you should take my advice seriously. It will not be enjoyable but that is what life is like.What if instant rewards would have been accessible in ancient times? The people would not have evolved and would probably have died because nobody wants to work for long term goals if there are instant rewards. Everyone is responsible for their own mental health.Get off the internet, use it only for important things. Buy an old Phone without internet. Move out of your parents house if you have not already. Learn to be alone with yourself again. Live for yourself. do not depend on other people for your happiness. If you do not help yourself, nobody will, because no one can anyways. What 99% of your problems are caused by",Depression +17358,"My brain is a mess, a fucking mess. I do not know how I function everyday. My brain is constantly shouting, telling me to kill myself, telling me I am a terrible person for wanting to kill myself, repeating the same words, same memories over and over. I just want to think one thought, have an answer to *one* fucking thing. So many thoughts",Depression +17359,Recently I have had multiple things come up in my life that has made me think about wanting to cut again. I have not done it yet because I promised myself years ago that I would not do it again but rn I am hurting so bad I feel like shit almost everyday and no one seems to care or notice. Its building up. Today it got so bad my sister knew I was not in the best of moods and just kept poking at me and trying to make me argue with her. I gave her multiple warnings to try and get her to stop tryna argue because it was so early in the morning and I was not in a good mood and she did not and I just blew up on her. I could not hold back and I just took that as a way to let go of all my built up anger. I feel bad about it and I know it was wrong to use violence but I just could not control my emotions. It just is not a good day for me. I am sad. Then again a lot of days are not good for me. I just let things build up and explode when I finally had enough. I am not okay. My house is so toxic I just want to take my son and go but I cannot because I have no career and I am trying to get my license atm and also in school. Its going to take time. I wish money could just fall into my lap so I can handle my responsibilities and so I can get out of this toxic household. I just want a peaceful life with my son. I am not okay,Suicidal +17360,"Fck them. For therapy, I get send from wall to wall. there is a long waiting list for everything; intake, examination, they forget about you, wating, wating, wating. The refer you to another place. More waiting, intakes, waiting. And at other organizations it is the same. Go to your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts, every page about suicide stuff says. I have done that. He would call me later. Not. Then he was on vacation. This week he would be back and still have not heard anything. So I called. The assistent would ask him about it. Long story. I heard back and he would call me on Monday. So after 4 weeks of nothing, he let us me wait another weekend. And what will he say?You open up. You are honest about your suicidal thoughts. But do you get any help. No. I know medication will not help right away, if it helps at all. But to have at least someone care a little bit about your health, to have some try to help you. That would maybe give some hope. Now I feel all alone. It feels like no one knows what to do. And no one cares.it is fucked up. If you have some physical problem, you get help right away. My dad has an appoinment every few weeks. When he forgot about one, he got called where he is. That does not happen to me. Why? Because there is not a chance I could die? And then therapists/doctors/etc are shocked when a patient kills themselve.&#x200B;I know I am just one of many who deal with this in my country. And there are countries where mental health care is even worse. it is all so messed up, Ask for help, they say",Suicidal +17361,"I do not know why, but them removing the post twice has triggered a bit of a panic attack. no explanation. no rules that said i did anything wrong. just gone. anyway, here is the post. not doing great right now. &#x200B;I pride myself on being a very blunt individual. As a result, I could probably count the number of times I have said ""I am doing good"" in the past little while and meant it on one hand. I have had to mitigate that because there are people I do not want to lose that are probably one (and I am exaggerating a bit here) ""Well, thanks for asking, but I kind of wish I had the strength to kill myself"" away from leaving for the sake of their own mental health. I can respect that, but I have learned to be afraid of being honest about how I feel.My SO is exhausted. he is hung on, but his family has not. they have all decided to distance themselves; not because of my mental illness, but because of the pain that the differences between him and I have caused. it is a long, complicated story, but we are trying to make it work. But there is no lonelier feeling than being cut out of someone is life because of something you cannot control. it is lonely because you are a victim to your mind. The only person in your way is yourself. You struggle against it and seek help but the severity of it makes it so impossibly hard. You try to improve, but that is not enough for some people. His parents claim they love me still but I know there is damage.My parents are exhausted. There have been times that Mom's ended up in the ER, thinking something was horribly wrong, but it was just stress-induced panic caused by her worrying about me. The guilt is insurmountable. They love me and say it is not my fault but still, I feel responsible. I think I *am* responsible.I am exhausted. This past month I have had depression unlike anything I have dealt with before. I was given a new diagnosis: major depressive disorder. A hallmark of that is frequent suicidal ideation. I have OCD. I have made many a post to [r/OCD]( talking about it. it is existential in nature, and therefore horrifying. I have described it as something like, ""you are so terrified of something being true that you might as well be having a psychotic meltdown."" Something like a suicide attempt where I tried to asphyxiate myself happened a few years ago after a severe case of bad thoughts. I am 23 and jobless; that is another rift between me and my SO. After all, he needs someone who can support him as much as I do. I have goals right now to fix that. I have got all this shit happening next week. A phone call with a lady who specializes in helping fucked up people land a job. Therapy starting up again. A recent med change. A few other things I do not remember right at this second.Thanks for listening. Going to pet the cats now. Maybe play with the dog. Tried posting this on r/vent. they did not care for it much.",Suicidal +17362,"A few days ago I made a post saying I was going to make an attempt on my life. Luckily it never happened. My ex-girlfriend had called my mom telling her I sent a foreboding message to her and I got rushed to the hospital.I got admitted into a psych ward as an inpatient for 2-3 days. I got prescribed Seroquel at first but that only made me incredibly tired (and I am not bipolar as they may have thought) and now I am on Wellbutrin 150MG XR until further notice. do not ever hesitate to reach out. People do care, even when they seen like they do not. My mom would have never left work to come get me unless she cared.My ex would have never told my mom if she did not care.You are loved, and me getting help immediately showed me I am too.Never hesitate to get help. An Update",Depression +17363,"Been suicidal for years due to circumstances. Antidepressants do not work, therapy is useless and these are not the kind of circumstances that ""change with time"". Really running out of options. Running out of options.",Suicidal +17364,"Is this a sign of depression or is it just a phase? Hes 18 years old (no job or anything) thanks for any helpful insight. I am genuinely worried about him, I can answer any further questions if it helps your answer My brother throws away kitchen forks and spoons and leaves plates hidden everywhere in his room and rarely comes out.",Depression +17365,"I have a friend who lives in Florida. Her mom was recently diagnosed with a condition that has left her unable to work. Now their only source of income is from disability, but it is not enough to cover their rent. My friends dad was originally covering the rent for them but is no longer doing so. Now my friend tells me that her mom is thinking about moving in with another family member since its either that or homelessness. The problem is that said family member has a history of sexual abuse towards my friend when she was younger. Friend tells me she will kill herself if they end up moving there.She has attempted several times in the past and I am worried for her safety. She needs professional intervention because she is a threat to herself and I need resources for voluntary/involuntary hospitalization. I am resorting to reddit now because the local crisis hotline is totally useless. I called them and waited on hold for over an hour. Then I ended up falling asleep. When I woke up I was shocked because to my disbelief, I was still on hold with them 6 hours later into the call. I need advice on how I can help my friend",Suicidal +17366,"Just woke up after 14 hours of sleep, and I am still exhausted. What exhausts me more, is thinking how many years of this shitshow I have got left. 10 more years feels like torture. Much less 20, 40, 60 years? Jesus Christ.I do not know why people say life is short. I am 23, and I feel like I have been here much longer. Life stretches on and on",Suicidal +17367,"I feel like my new antidepressants have been keeping my mood pretty stable, but out of no where this evening I feel like I have just been washed out to sea with weights on my feet. My body just feels heavy. I do not have the energy to even entertain the idea of what to eat, or do with my evening. What do you do when depression hits you like a ton of bricks?",Depression +17368,"I have so many issues, everything is a series of hoops and I am tired. When does it get better. Will I ever feel okay. I just want to be okay, I just want to make them happy. They deserve the best and I am not that person right now. I fucking suck. I want to be better for my kids but it feels impossible.",Depression +17369,"my english is not that good, sorry but i hope you understand it anyway lolso uhm I am 19 and currently moved out and since then things got really really worse. I am in therapy since i was 16 because of different things. it began with social anxiety, later came an eating disorder, anxiety disorder, depression and alcohol addiction. when i had only my social anxiety things were okay but since i have my anxiety disorder everything is so fucking hard. i got diagnosed late 2019 and the first months it was ... okay. i could live with it. i had a lot of friends, was always outside and when things got bad i drank, and then was everything okay again. but late 2020 it suddenly got so fucking worse. i got diagnosed with depression. yeah ... at the beginning of this year i thought the first time about suicide. i was always drunk and lost all my friends. in march i went in a clinic for 6 weeks and wow i felt so good. i thought i could handle my anxiety and everything will be good again. and when i went back home everything got bad again. the circumstances were the same as before the clinic. i was raped mid 2020 by some friends, a video was sent around my city and everyone thought i was a slut. since then i could not go outside without feeling so worse and without getting a half panic attack. being in my city was so awful for me. and i felt the same way when i came back from the clinic. suddenly all things i learned ... were gone? i do not how to describe it. i hit rockbottom again. i was at home for 2 months - without friends to meet with - and did absolutely nothing. it was awful. i moved out 2 weeks ago and yes it got more awful lol. i wake up with anxiety, then i watch Netflix all day to not think about anything, i drink again, i cry a lot and a few days ago i cut myself for the first time. i cannot even go outside without having a panic attack. i have nothing to eat anymore and must go to the grocery store tomorrow and I am so fucking scared. some friends visited me last week (they live far away and i only see them once a year, so i did not mentioned them) and even then i felt anxiety when i was outside with them. i do not know what to do anymore. everything should be good! i moved away, can start a new life, my formation (uhm idk if this is the right word sorry lol; my new job) begins next month but i feel miserable and i think about killing myself so much. i think the only reason i do not want to do it is my family. i really really love them. my little brother ... the thought that my parents tell him i killed myself, oof. the life of my parents would be destroyed. i thought about talking about my thoughts with my mum but ... idk. what can she even do? i do not know what to do, I am so tired of trying, of living, i do not think anything will change. i do not want to live with my anxiety, i fucking cannot. that is not the life i want to live. always fighting and fighting ... fuck man actually i do not want to die, i know how beautiful life can be but i do not think it will ever be that way for me again. gosh i do not know what kind of answers i want (when i even get some lol). I am so sorry for this long - not really good written - text. thanks for reading <3 thinking about suicide",Suicidal +17370,"Hey guys I have been scrolling through here. I feel at least I am not alone. Life is hell. If God exists he left me long ago to disintegrate slowly in this fucked up world. Currently struggling with so much shit. Near Fatal Accident (Head smashed and leg broken), PTSD, Anxiety, Heartbreak, and legal issues (All in that order). When will it end? I say with confidence soon, because I really do not give a crap anymore. I am like a rope on its last strand ready to snap. I am ready for the next disaster. Maybe a meteorite will take me out. Because if this is life, I do not want it. I am confident about it now because I have slumped into the darkness of depression, if that makes any sense.",Suicidal +17371,-the addiction lol just thought this was kind of goofy funmy someone please laugh but also like the perfect way to describe my guilt of associating myself with people!! When I think it will end up traumatizing them!! Pushing people away before I bojack th,Depression +17372,I have always wanted to had had urges to but I have never actually tried. I want to so bad but I am stuck here because other people in my family died and my little brother is still just a kid. I am hurting so bad but my brain says only people who try to kill themself or have worse disorders should go. If I try to I really 100% think Ill die and I wish I had an easy moral out so bad. I feel so fake because I have never tried to kill myself.,Depression +17373,"i do not feel anything when i watch gore. just a tingling feeling sometimes but most of the time i just watch it and go through with my day. it used to affect me a lot when i was younger but now I am kind of used to it? i do not know. is this normal? I am not watching it regularly, just sometimes but i genuinely do not feel anything towards those people tw: gore",Depression +17374,"You know, I try not to put my own symptoms above anyone else's. But it is a hard point to argue. I have lost more than most people ever will and I do not say that to spite people nor say their pain is less than mine.&#x200B;I could write a book about the crap I have been through, I have actually. Not officially published but I have written a book. &#x200B;More to the point, it makes me wonder why. Why was I put here? Why this body? Why this life? What in the FUCK did I do in my past life or whatever to deserve this? Seriously, I want to know. Was I like, Hitler or something?&#x200B;You may ask yourself ""he cannot be that bad, right?"" And you would be wrong.&#x200B;I will give you a brief overview immediate victim of favoritism within the first 3 years of life. I mean BLATANT favoritism parents divorced within those 3 years. parents stole me from each other, back and forth until Social Services stepped in first foster home gave me a short glimpse of what it was like to be cared for in the first time of my 8 years of life ended up being taken out of that home after about 6 months and put into a new one new foster mother beats me regularly, sexually abused me frequently and to top it off, keeps me locked up in a basement room with no windows, no clocks, no way to tell time. Leaving me in there for days at a time. This was frequently done over a 5 year period of my life after 5 years had passed, my father got custody of me only to treat me like a ghost. He only got me back for the SSI check. Other than that, I did not exist to him pretty much in school, I was teased a lot because I was constantly in sweats, I did not have any real clothing other than that and laundry was not done on any regular basis. Their laundry was, mine was not. already extremely socially isolated, things progressively got worse up to the point of someone physically bullying me and eventually I snapped and put him in the hospital. Made me realize what a monster I was. during the last couple years of high school, I found my high school sweetheart. We were together for 7 years. We made a son together. he is currently 17, turning 18 later this year. social services got involved in my life again claiming we had failed to get our son his shots, which we had to reschedule because her grandmother had passed on the day before the scheduled shots. So there goes a year and a half of fighting the incessant demands of social services they get into her head. Tell her she does not need me. She leaves me, takes me to court for 100% custody. At that point, I did not think I could possibly be more broken. I did not have a choice, so I just gave up and within 2 months, she had taken my son to another state to pursue some internet boyfriend she met on some backwards art site D something or another. a couple years pass and I decide to try again with someone new. Started off strong but there were a ton of issues and a lot of damage left behind from my past relationship. I could never trust her. still, she got pregnant on our second time so she had not gotten a chance to see the extent of the damage in me. I wish I could have been able to tell her to just run, run away from me. I suppose in some way, I did just not in so many words. towards the end our son was delivered as a stillborn. His umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck, killing him days before he was due. Just a few days. we split ways after this. I took the loss personally, as though it was God's way of punishing me for being the monster I was. Got super suicidal and tried dozens of times to end myself. All failed, obviously. a few more years passed after and I was still stuck on this notion that I wanted a family. So naturally, I found a new relationship and moved clear across the country just to be with her. while we were in person together, things were amazing. It was like gravity, we could not stay away from each other. But when the time came to part ways... that is when things got ugly, fast. still, we managed to make it last for nearly 5 years and she bore me another son. I wanted to be there so badly and she knew I did. We had talked about several times. I got to see my son ONCE before she decided she was going to keep him from me. Even despite the fact she knew I was going to be a good father. First her, it was just easier to not have to fight her grandparents who she lived with. So that is what she did. He was born nearly 7 years ago and I have not seen him since the day he was born. after two years of fighting with her to just be a family with me, I finally broke in the worst way I have ever broken in my life. I just gave up. She was not going to change her mind ever. So I walked away. more suicide attempts and a few months later I decided a drastic change was needed inside me. So that is what I did. I pursued self actualization and personal development and started to try to deal with all thus trauma I had experienced in this life. something clicked inside, like a burner just turned on and suddenly I started thinking differently, I became different than who I was before. The original owner of this vessel was gone and I was born. I was ready to accept that I would never have my own family, but I was not ready to give up on love so I went and found a new relationship. This one was actually pretty good. I did not accuse her of cheating ever in our entire relationship. I gave her room to do her own stuff and encouraged her to take time with her son, her friends, her family. I was being a good partner for once in my life and I was open to her, open to the idea this could last, it honestly felt like it was my forever home. I let myself actually believe in that. as you may suspect, things eventually fell apart. She pulled away from me, stopped so much as even touching me and I tried to talk with her, communicate what was going on to no avail. The day we broke up, she had gone away for 5 days saying she was babysitting her sister-in-law's dog. Well, I found out that that whole story was a lie, just from a Facebook post of her sister-in-law at home with her two children, getting ready for the weekend. in the end she said it was because I was too sensitive and too difficult to love. Those words still stick with me almost 2 years later now. at this point I am completely lost about what I want anymore. I want to have that relationship that lasts but I am not sure I can trust myself to actually even try again. So what else is there for me? I could never have my family, cannot even have a secure relationship even when I have worked so hard to be acceptable and lovable. I cannot help but feel like I am just wasting time, wasting my therapist's time all in some delusion that I will ever be worthy of love.&#x200B;that is just a chunk of my iceberg. The super short, short version. I suppose that is why it is so hard for me to believe that anyone could even comprehend the things I have been through. The bottom is not where you think it is. There are places in the mind, much darker, much deeper than you may ever know. End all, Be all",Depression +17375,"Hate. Hate is too kind a word for the detestability I self-inflict upon myself. I am a traitor in my own mind. Wanting to betray my heart and usurp the throne. I have purloined my soul and left it an empty vessel. I take heed not of my salvation, for I do not fear death; I fear life more than any mercenary. It is a cruel and unjust bishop that shall condemn me to a purgatory of an unpayable debt I shall never reimburse. I shall not yield, I shall be my own executioner. However, I will fight, kick and scream. I will writhe like a woman in labour. Until this fateful day shall I meet this hooded apparition? Will he embrace me as kin, or shall he cast me away like? I am the last soldier on the precipice of hope. I shall defend against the unending hoard. I shall clad myself with the armour of a steely stubborn will, Greaves to protect my falling ambition into a chasm of inhibition, and I shall wear a pair of Gaped Gauntlets to wield my blade of desperation. I will fight until my inevitable damnation. I am endowed with eternal hate, this I know...is my fate. Fighting Demons",Depression +17376,"I spent what feels like an entire lifetime as a paramedic, and over the course of a decade of working in public safety I have seen and been through some extraordinary circumstances. I took pride in my career, loved every minute of it, and miss it every day. For the past three years my life has been ripped apart by moments, ones that are seemingly and endlessly stacked one on top of the other, that I thought I would never- ever experience. I was blindsided by a brutal divorce with my ex three years ago who has since ruined my reputation, continues to use an incredibly immoral backdrop narrative in the courts against me, and is relentless in her attempts to make my life worse every day. **Bad karma, right?** A year and a half ago I lost my career, I was getting brutalized in this horrendous divorce, and my parenting rights were stripped from me. I entered into a horrendously depressive state, and I knew that I needed to get help. So- that is exactly what I did. Just like every patient (hundreds if not thousands over a decade) that I had taken to the hospital for mental health dilemmas- I checked myself into the hospital during my absolute worst moments. is not it funny how... in the worst of moments- everybody in your life wants to be there, wants to be the hero, wants to help... but when the chaos has passed all those same people are nowhere to be found? You only gain that perspective when it all unfolds in front of you, and I still shake my head at that realization. Some remain, but even those that have still view me in a different light.After my stay in the hospital, I was committed to getting my life back together. I found a therapist who has helped me immensely, I got sober from alcohol completely, and all I wanted was to have my daughter back.The stigma of it all, and those single moments of me reaching out for help by going to the hospital, have followed me endlessly in my child custody battle. Despite doing everything that the PC attached to our case has asked me to do- I still do not have my daughter back with me in any significant amount of time. I am still run over by my exs brutal tactics in court, and nothing I achieve, or gain seems to make any difference. That single hospital stay has ruined the most important pieces of my life- and that is being a father to my daughter.I used to tell patients all the time that going to the hospital to get help would only make things better for them. I used to believe that. I want to still believe that. But.....**Where the hell is my karma?** Because I am starting to think this karma thing is no longer working for me. The stigma of mental health permeates every subtle conscious thought of those who start to look at you differently. Like you are completely alone in a crowded room. Like you are broken somehow... like damaged goods. You might be better, but the stigma remains. It has followed me like a shadow that I cannot get rid of, and all I want is to feel proud of addressing my mental health. I want to feel like I was honest when I told my patients to do the same thing. I want to be a success story for my daughter- showing the kind of strength it takes to overcome these painful obstacles. I want to feel like if I could redo it all over again- I would still do it the same way because I put in the work to heal myself from the worst of my moments. It has been a year and a half where my daughter is barely with me, and there is no logical reason for that except a subjective bias. The stigma of it all- it feels never ending, and all because I sought help. I am stuck in an absolute nightmare that I cannot wake up from.If the stigma follows you as it does me- know that you are not alone. You are NOT alone. It Is The Stigma That Has Ruined Me",Depression +17377,"i cannot stand being in my room right now, it honestly hurts so bad because i feel like I am a failure if i go back in there for some reason? I have been spending a lot of time in the car and outside, I am still depressed but less depressed than staying in my room. does anyone else experience this? it usually lasts a few weeks for me. when there is a change to my routine i go through a deep depression",Depression +17378,"Been noticing my eyes have been turning kind of yellow. Googled it, might have some liver failure. cannot wait to get to hell after everything I have done. Lol",Depression +17379,"My boyfriend since 4 years ago just told me that he had a onenighstand with this random girl he met on FB. He says that he is truly sorry and he does not expect me to forgive him but he will do everything to make me happy again. I was already a very depressed girl with PTSD and things went downwards since I moved 8 hours away from him. I just feel disconnected from reality and I do not have any more will to live. Once a committed suicide attempt but my family notice and took me to the hospital. I do not want to suffer anymore and I do not have any plans on trying to be happy again. My only fear it is that if I tried kill myself again they will find me ""on time"" The only person I loved and the one that I cared the most just cheated on me...",Depression +17380,I do not even know what love feels like. A pointless existence I am killing myself very soon,Suicidal +17381,"I do not think I could stand anymore pain in this life but I feel too guilty to kill myself. However I do not see the good in me, a human being who just becomes more and more numb and callous to survive. I cannot even love people properly anymore, and feel rather indifferent to most things. I often find myself thinking ""I knew I should have ended it back then"" whenever I try and get better and its always so pointless. No matter what I do to avoid being selfish, or manipulative, or hurtful, I always end up messing up in a different way. I am so tired, but I am trapped in this cage anyway. The point,,,",Suicidal +17382,Pretty much as titled - I am supposed to be an adult now with responsibilities and its not going too well lol I do not really have a plan for life as I did not plan on living this long,Depression +17383,"Hi guys, So I have been struggling with depression and PTSD since my father became an alcoholic. I had a pretty nice childhood, up until my dad got addicted and my mom got breastcancer twice. Luckily, she survived. My dad was a top banker, very successful, but his addiction got the best of him. He did absolutely horrible things. &#x200B;So when I started my student time, I got really depressed. I could not make choices. I lived at home, being deeply depressed, whilst all of my friends moved out and I felt like I was so late with that. My friends convinced me to move in with them, but I said no, and now I regret that. Eventually I moved out and I had a good time, but I feel like I could have made so much more of my student time. And I did not do that. I know it was because I was struggling with PTSD, but I just do not understand myself and I feel like I have lost myself years ago, due to my traumatic childhood. &#x200B;Apart from that, I told a lot of people the bad things my dad did, but I now also see that he is a good man. For some reason, I want to go back and tell people how good of a man he is and what he has achieved in his life- apart from his alcoholism. But I feel like people do not really care and this has more to do with my own process of moving on? &#x200B;Anyways, I hope there is someone that can help me with some comforting words! Conclusion, I feel like I missed out on my most fun years due to depression. The past and my choices keep haunting me.",Depression +17384,"Hi everyone and by the way I am sorry if I am making lots of mistakes while writing this because english is not my first language,So i would like to start by describing my current situation a little bit : so I am a 27 year old men, i live in Europe with my parents and i was able to find a full-time job 2 months ago. And as long as i can remember I have always kind of struggled to interact with people in general, and i do not know if i have some kind of ""trauma"" because of that, but basically i could go to wherever place in the world and get the feeling that I am being ""rejected"" and judged by everyone and that I am not really welcome anywhere. Teachers at school always repeated the same things about me : ""he is so quiet"" ""he rarely ever talks"" ""he always seems distracted by he is thoughts when he is in class"" and other things.And it is weird because when i ask my parents about my childhood they are always saying that i was way more sociable than i am now as an adult, but i honestly do not ever remember being that way.Anyways so basically I have never really had a close group of friends and I have never had a girlfriend either, which i really feel depressed (and even suicidal sometimes) about because it makes me feel like I am a failure and I have wasted the ""best"" years of my life and i feel like such a shit and loser almost everyday because of that.And so of course since I am living with parents, my mother in particular is kind of worried about me because she is scared that I will just end up being a loner for my whole life once she and my dad are dead. I have been also worrying about my state for years now, and i honestly do not see any solutions to it. Just thinking about myself as a person disgust me so much, all of that wasted time and all those missed opportunities makes me so suicidal.I am so ashamed of myself for not even being able to interact and talk to people normally without overthinking, overanalizing everything and most of all sabotaging myself with different thoughts. Pretty much all of my thoughts are about sabotaging myself : ""i suck"" ""I am a loser"" ""i should just jump off a bridge or hang myself because I am such a fuking useless and pathetic piece of shit"".And so i kind of just do the ""bare minimum"" i would say to function in society, only interacting at my workplace with coworkers when it is really needed, because i would rather avoid any interaction with anyone at all if that was possible, but unfortunately it is not. When i look into myself i really feel like a robot or an NPC from a video game that is just giving the same responses over and over ""yes"" ""no"" and that is it, nothing more, just trying to make the damn conversation as short as possible because it is so stressful for me to handle.I""m kind of angry at my parents for making so much remarks about me not having friends/gf because i tried multiple times to explain to them what i was going through whenever I am interacting with people... but they just do not understand and i pretty much gave up on trying to explain it to them.And what is even worse is that a lot of people consider me to be a pretty ""handsome"" guy and some of them even assumed that i must have had lots of gf's/hookups in my life, which is not true at all lol. So for me it is even worse because it feels like a lot of my ""potential"" is just completely wasted by this stupid anxiety.Anyways I have made an appointment with another therapist to see if she could help me with this problem, but without sounding too pessimistic i really have very little hope that I am ever going to feel better. Because i think to myself ""I have struggled with this almost my whole life and so how could just talking about it to someone even help me ?""that is pretty much it i guess, i really hope you guys are doing okey and that you are not suffering too much from SA like i do.What do you guys think about all of this ? [27M] Mom just told me ""why do not you get yourself a girlfriend ?""",Depression +17385,"I have been suffering from depression nearly my whole life, with many ups and downs throughout the years, but I have found myself in a ""down"" time lately. I am having a hard time showering, cleaning, cooking, basically all self care. I also have adhd so my executive dysfunction makes it hard to start tasks even with medication. Does anyone have any go-to meals, something that I could assemble in the fewest possible steps that would provide adequate nutrition? I know not getting enough \*healthy\* food and water only contributes to how awful I feel, but my normal go-to's are not working very well for me. I have been ordering delivery way too often and it is always sugary things. I need to care for my physical health more as I am sure it is contributing to my exhaustion, but my appetite is so low due to my medication, I have been eating way too many sugary things, and my face is breaking out which is bad for my skin-picking compulsions. there is a lot of issues all piling on me at once in addition to a major life change so I am just trying to get through this as painlessly as possible, any help or just ideas or anything you have to contribute would be great. thanks Help eating decent meals",Depression +17386,"I have been procrastinating this for 3 months now, since the day I got out of rehab. I have messed up EVERYTHING else in my life, so what if I mess up my own suicide?What if it does not work all the way, and I am still here? What if someone finds me, gets me to the hospital, and I am left with irreversible damage + having to live this terrible life?Any advice is appreciated. Xx Anybody ever experienced that half-dead, half-alive state?",Suicidal +17387,I am 16 for as long as I can remember I have been in pain every single day every second of every minute I am in pain I want to cut so hard just so I can feel something today is my prom while all my friends are there I am staying home crying my eyes out and wishing I die in my sleep I have taken so many medications but that shit dosent work I just want to be happy I want someone to tell me that it is ok because I have no one my supposed friends never check up on me I only found out their at prom because i saw it on their snapchat story the only time 1 of my friends messaged me was when he wanted to use my psn I am done with everything I just want to end this pain i want my life back it is my prom and I am at home,Depression +17388,"I have reached my breaking point my whole life has been painful, I was physically abused and emotionally abused and severely neglected to the point of no food or electricity by my mother while she travelled, abandoned by my father watched my stepfather abuse my mother in front of us and he would often starve my brother and I just because he could, he molested me when I was 6-12 I was raped when I was 15 diagnosed with bipolar disorder abused by my own partner, experience severe memory loss where i do not remember entire months or years of my life often experience psychosis, had an eating disorder for 2 years, still get regularly abused by my mother and I likely have a personality disorder on top of all the trauma leading me to be extremely self destructive and now the only light in my hopeless life is gone and I do not know what to do I cannot afford to leave home i cannot afford proper help, and I am so tired of living I do not know what to do I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left to live for and I am in so much pain the one person I had I hurt because I cannot see myself deserving anything good so I destroy it, I have nothing I hurt everyone and I cannot find a reason to go on TW: R@PE ED Abuse",Suicidal +17389,"Its my birthday today. I am 29 now. I got up early, took a shower, and played some feel-good music. I did my nails, picked out an outfit, put on my makeup and even did my hair. All of this to try to make me feel something. I used all the tools I could to set the tone for today. But I just feel empty. I want to feel how everyone else around me feels, but I cannot. The fact that I cannot even feel good on my own birthday makes me feel like a failure. Logically, I know I am not. Logically, I know shit happens. Logically, I know there will be better days. But I do not get to choose when my brain believes logic or not. So today, I am hurting really bad. All I can think about, is wishing that I did not have to be here or feel this anymore. I will not act on those feelings, but it does not change the fact that they are stuck swimming in my head and hurting the hell out of me right now. I just need to get these words out somewhere safe. Where I do not hurt my loved ones for being honest about my pain. If anyone has any other ways or tips to help this hurt less, I would appreciate it. I am not going to, but God does this hurt.",Depression +17390,"I do not really know what is wrong I went to therapy a year ago but stopped it because I did not know what to say when I was there. Sometimes I just go blank and other times I am very unsure if what I am thinking about and/or bothering me is actually relevant. I get that therapy only works if the therapist gets to know me and how I function but idk I want to go to therapy, relatives and Friends also said that it could be useful for me but I am scared that I do not know what to say once I am there",Depression +17391,Does your depression because you to push people away even when they are obviously caring etc. I have struggled with this a lot lately. Pushing people away,Depression +17392,Anyone have any experience with this?Every time I have weened myself off SSRIs it is been a steady slow decent into the original state that got me to the point of needing SSRIs. It seems I will always be quite reliant on them as I respond well to them (apart from libido being in the tank).Would I (and my wife) have to stop our anti-depressants when we want to start trying? SSRIs and trying to get pregnant.,Depression +17393,"I am so tired and exhausted every single day. I am 21 (F) living with my toxic family. My father died when I was 18. But I was not close to him. We barely had a relationship. He never really cared about kids. My earliest memory of my childhood is of him getting angry about some random thing and throwing away the food on the table and then hitting my mother. I have seen my mother get beaten up ever since I was a kid. She would hit him back while trying to defend herself. They would threaten to kill each other during fights. Kid me would try desperately to loosen my father's fists clenching my mother's hair. But I was just a small kid with no physical strength so I could not do much except beg and cry for them to stop hurting each other. This was long ago.One day, my grandmother (father's side) died and I guess something triggered within my dad (even tho he was not close to her AT ALL) and he lost his shit. He started behaving erratically. Few weeks later we find out through an office colleague of his that my father had been fired from his work. We had no idea. He used to go to ""work"" everyday in the morning. Turns out he was just pretending. Through this said colleague we got to know more: he had angry outburst at work, spouting weird stuff. After some more strange incidents (not going into details) we got an appointment with a psychiatrist and my dad was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. This was when the domestic abuse hit its peak. He became way more violent. I remember one day he broke my mother nose and she started bleeding. Fast forward to 2-3 years (I have no sense of time really, it all seems like a blur now), he stopped taking his meds, became super submissive, barely said anything. I realised eventually that he was depressed (exhibited all the signs). Things changed. Now my mother became the abuser. She would tell him to die, how useless he was, what a burden he was on us 24*7. She also started hitting him. I tried to stop. My father did not. He would just sit there and let her do it. I have an elder brother too but he had gone for college so I was the only one who had to witness all of this all alone with no help. This lasted for some time until he actually listened to her. He killed himself around a week after my 18th birthday. My mother found his body in the middle of the night.I am glad he is dead. At least, he does not have to suffer anymore. I do not know.But now, years after all of this shit, things somehow seem to have worsened (if that is even possible :/ ). I used it believe that once my father was gone from the picture, things would be better. We could lead a peaceful life. Oh boy was I wrong! My mother's toxicity oozed out. I think I have become the replacement of my father. Everyday it is the same thing. ""I am a useless, worthless piece of shit. A waste of space. How she regrets giving birth to me. How I am a crazy person who need help..."" and more. Manipulation, gaslighting, mental, emotional, physical abuse- you name it, she got it. I have (and still am) faced it all. I try my best to do all the chores and not make her angry but it never matters. She will find something to mock, taunt and insult me. I have no place or privacy to cry. it is shit.I have kept alllll this shit inside of me without a single soul knowing until recently. I told me best friend. Well, not everything but I gave a general overview. But I keep stopping myself from saying anything (about the present times) because it is all so intense and I do not think she would be able to handle all this. Even I cannot. Everyday is the same. I am so fucking exhausted and tired of everything. I wish I could kill myself but I have wayy too much hope to do it. I truly want to live a happier, healthier life because I deserve it. I deserve love and care. But my god, this is difficult. 21 years of trauma and I do not see an end to it. I wish I would cease to exist. Why is killing yourself so hard? I am dead inside. I need help but there is nothing. I have no motivation to do anything. No purpose in life. Sometimes I think I might be depressed but then again I am able to get up, do my chores. I do not know. I have also started seeing signs of trauma during arguments and confrontations and it scares me. Nothing seems to be go right in my life. Everything is a fucked up mess. When will this end? P. S. If you are still reading this fucked up tragedy of a life story, what is wrong with you? Lol. Thank you for reading. :) I swear the Universe has a vendetta against me",Suicidal +17394,I need to escape...permanently. I am so tired of things going wrong. I cannot win for losing. Why keep trying?,Depression +17395,"I just do not think I am cut out to live. My birth was a mistake and a dumb joke. I am a nuisance to myself and everyone around me. I am a failure, a laughingstock. I wish I could just die. If only I had the courage to pull the trigger, but guess what? I am a coward too, I am afraid. I doubt anyone will care seeing as I am so insignificant. I want out now. I wish I could just go to sleep and die.",Suicidal +17396,"I have been depressed like, forever but during corona time all have went downhill and fast. it is hard to keep my social skills up as I have no mood or strenght to be social - all I just do is think about my problems and my miserable life. Whole of my childhood I was bullied by others; ""friends"", siblings.. I had to find a way to make other kids to like me but it never really lasted long after they started to bully again.About 8 months ago I faced bullying at work. There was this one person who acted like friend of all people but back stabbed when you turned your back on her. I noticed this and I started to question her methods.. eventually it ended up that she started watching what I do and so on and also started telling other workers about how bad I am and they team up to get me out. I got fired and this case - according to supervisor - was 100% my fault. Ever since that day my life has been hell - total hell. This event greatly affected my life and now I am so lost with my thoughts; ""am I that bad"", ""what I did to deserve this"", ""no one likes me"". I cannot talk with people anymore, not even with my family because I am afraid of it and I feel so worthless. This also affects my relationship and I have a feeling even my boyfriend is having enough of me because I am always depressed and negative. I used to talk alot with him about my problems but nowadays I am afraid to tell him anything because I get always same sighing and tone of his voice is judgmental.I just want to talk with people like normal person, laugh and joke around but no one ever last that long with me.. I barely get any responses from anyone when I try to talk or message - in real life or internet. I just have a feeling I have something in me that makes people aware.. I have lost my appetite as well, barely eat anything (maybe once in a day a hot meal - sometimes forcefully). I am just so lost and exhausted.. just feeling everything I experienced when I was child I need to face it again in adulthood twice harder.. No strenght to keep social bonds up - even with family",Depression +17397,"The last few weeks I have had terrible anxiety I would sleep all day and stay up all night binge-watching YouTube videos and ordering maccas from Uber eats. To the point where I dripped out of my course and I just need a break that is all. Whilst I was all alone at home the night before, I took out the blade from the razor and tried to end the misery all at once. But I felt like a coward and I reached out to a helpline to get the proper care I need I told this person everything I have been bottling up for the past three years. it is exhausting feeling like everyone is doing better then you and you are just stuck in this vicious loop. I do not want to die but sometimes God forgive I wish I was never born. I just need therapy and a purpose to wake up everyday feeling like I can get through today. 20 year old University student struggling with depression",Depression +17398,"I was doing so good. I felt so hopeful about life. I saw a future for myself, and I was so happy. Now I am back to feeling shitty day by day. I do not know what flipped the switch. It could be anxiety about money, school, trauma, dysphoria, or just some kind of stupid hormonal imbalance. I have been suicidal since I was 12. Once I realized I am trans, I thought that was why. Especially since I started feeling a lot better once I started accepting that I am a guy. But lately I have felt so awful. Everything feels so hopeless and like too much. I am not going to do it, but I am scared bc the thoughts are back and came back hard. I think I might even feel more peace if I knew I was going to do it. Some sort of comfort that I could be gone soon instead of knowing that I am going to sit here and feel like shit until I feel better again. I think I must be mentally ill. I read a book recently that is described how I have felt for a long time and everyone says the mc is mentally ill. Everyone says that most people do not start wanting to die whenever they start feeling too sad. I have been trying so hard to work on myself and make things better. I wish I could just feel okay and never feel like this again. I thought I was done with this. I feel like I am being dramatic and should just get over this, but I do not even want to be feeling like this. I spent so many year trying to pretend I was okay and think positive and force myself to be okay and it did not even fucking work. If I told my family, they would expect me to just journal and just not think about it and be okay, but I have tried that. Something is wrong with me. What the fuck am I supposed to do Not okay right now. Please someone just be here",Suicidal +17399,"I know there are people I care about who would miss me if I died, who would blame themselves for the rest of their lives, but it is so hard to care.So hard to care when I think about how when I am dead, I will not have to witness it. It will be impossible for me to care when I am dead. This is heightened even more because I do not believe in an afterlife. To me, when I die, the world simply will not exist anymore, because I will not be around to witness it.Even if I have things to look forward to in this life, things that excite me, it is still so hard to care. So hard to care when I know none of this will matter anymore to me if I died. I live at a parents house, and I have no possible means of killing myself right now. I do not imagine I will until I am an adult and completely on my own. But I do not want to grow up at the same time.I am only a she will of the person I used to be, without my art it feels like I am nothing anymore, but I cannot draw.I hate seeing I cannot even get the motivation to watch tv.I cannot get over any of my habits unless it is forced upon me. No matter how hard I try I always go back.I think I am better than most people on this world, but I still do not feel good enough. I hate this world, and all of the sick people in it. And there is no hope of change in my lifetime. I hate my parents. .",Suicidal +17400,"I go to sleep early and still, I oversleep. Or Ill wake up and keep falling back asleep.I slept 12 hours last night. Who the fuck needs 12 hours of sleep? I hate that I sleep so much",Depression +17401,"I have been taking antidepressants for 2 months now. My psychiatrist prescribed me milnacipran (50 mg) and I am not sure if its working or not. My sleep schedule has gotten a lot better, I started eating and drinking water regularly in 2 weeks after I started taking my meds. that is a big step forward (obviously) but I have absolutely no energy and fail to do the simplest tasks around the house, I cannot leave my bed and force myself to even go get groceries. Sometimes depression hits me so bad that I totally stop talking to my closest friends and family members. Social withdrawal used to give me enough emotional strength to bounce back into life, now it only makes things worse. It does not feel like much has changed and I am paralysed with fear that my entire life will be as miserable and unbearable as it is right now. Is it too early to see any results from meds? I am going to see my psychiatrist soon and of course I plan on discussing this situation in detail, but I thought it would be nice to get some personal experiences from people. I really do not know how I pulled through my uni finals on 0 energy and motivation. Everything is a struggle. I do not even know if such a life is worth living at all. P. S. Hope this was somewhat readable, English is my second language Is it even possible to get my old life back?",Depression +17402,"So me and ex GF of mine broke up recently, and I have not been handling it well. Been very depressed and anxious and upset all at the same time. Started abusing drugs and its not been a positive outcome. Well I made a stupid decision to I guess what you guys will call ""blackmail' and sent a letter along with some screenshots of our chats and a picture of us together to her family. Knowing her family is pretty religious I know this would hurt her. Well after all is set and done. the black lash that came with it. Well this stirred up alot of commotion. and Her brother called me and said the family is pressing charges etc. And read off some of the stuff their attorney told them. Me being super apologetic and trying to be diplomatic little late but. Anyways her brother was trying to reason with me cuz he gets me he was once my age and understands me. However what I did was very stupid I know. Anyways Me being only 23 starting my JR year of college this fall. Have alot going for me right now, well if this presses forward and they go through with this well Its GGs for me. Having this record will scar me for life, forcing me to drop out of college and figure out other means of surviving. Well the brother is tryng to be diplomatic here he did talk with my dad and said its not his decions its his dads since it was his daughter but he will try what he can. So my only two options. Firstly we resolve it diplomatically idk if its money or what they want but I am praying we are able to work this out and come to a resolution. Or 2ndly priosn not being a option for me, well there is only one way out of this and that is the cowards way out. If option 2 does end up being the way, well I have already liquidated enough cash and will enjoy my last days and go live life and do everything i wanted to do and travel the country and enjoy life for its final moments and just end it. its alot on my plate I know I fucked up in a way should have not done that. But idk prison is not a option for me. So I am praying this will work out with a positive outcome. I don think there is anything else I can do at this point but just wait it out until I hear back from the brother on what the next move is. Confused, depressed and just do not know how to handle the situation",Suicidal +17403,"I do not really have anyone that I feel comfortable opening up to. Not sure if its because I feel scared of feeling vulnerable or I do not want to burden anyone with my feelings. Could it be both? Probably. But here I am shouting to the internet, anonymous, that I am sad. I am at a stage in life that I have realized that I have fucked up in keeping up with my social relationships. I have been so laser focused on my career that i paid no mind in catching up with others and keeping up with friendships. The effects have now started to hit like a truck, and it burns. I know what I need to do to fix that. But I am afraid that I am too deep in the void and that it might be to late. But for now, I just want to drown in my sorrows before I move on. I want to just reflect and be sad for a moment. I just want to open up for once",Depression +17404,I hope I am able to successfully kill myself. I am just so tired of suffering. 2 more days and parents go out of town :) :) :),Suicidal +17405,"I feel like if I did not have other people in my body Id be dead by now. I hate typing like this, its disgusting. But that is really how I feel. Like I am not even living my life anymore. Just watching whoevers fronting take on every shitty part of it. And I know if I was fronting wed all be dead. I have never felt so I cannot even think of a word that would depict exactly what I am feeling. These dreadful feelings and toxic people around me everywhere I go. Everyone looking right through me telling me where I should go, what I should do, who I should be by just snapping my fingers and hoping Ill get there. I feel like a failure. I feel like death already. I feel like nothing, on top of every miserable feeling a person could have. Nobody understands me, nobody sees me when looking at this body. They do not even notice I am not there anymore. I am not the one talking to them, laughing with them, eating with them. I am dying inside wondering why they only see what they want to see. I hate it. I HATE it. I hate that this is the way my body protects me. By keeping all my feelings/me behind a smiling face. Its so lonely. I am so alone. Death looks so beautiful on days like this. So fucking beautiful.. -Riah Depression|Dissociative Identity|Death",Depression +17406,I feel like the time between waking up and falling asleep is just time that needs to pass. Every goal is just a way to pass the time until the very end. Its so draining thinking of plans to do. I do not even have the energy to get off this couch. This couch which eating me up. I sit here wrapped in a blanket. High. Disassociating out the window. Staring into a screen. Nothing feels truly good anymore. Its just a pipe line to the end of the day until I can finally sleep and be gone for a few hours. I feel. I do not feel. I feel too much. Wasting away staring at nothing. Mornings are the worst,Suicidal +17407,"I think I am getting better. I tried to clean my room. I am thinking about working out for the first time in two years. I am restless when I sit all day instead of just sinking in to my couch. I found a crafting kit and I actually want to do it instead of tossing it into a pile of unfinished shit.I want to cry I am so happy. Meds help, but I am think I am getting better regardless. there is hope. After eight years of meds and diagnosed MDD and GAD, things can change. If anyone needs to hear it, hear it from me. I think I am turning a corner.",Depression +17408,"I tried to end it tonight but just could not find a vein to cut, I cut myself with bleeding that stopped after a few minutes I am a fucking failure I cannot even kill myself properly I tried to do it",Suicidal +17409,"I do not even know why I am making this post, but I took like 30 blood pressure pills, chewed them, then had this moment of existential panic. Id been sitting with the pills in my hand for like an hour before taking them because I was scared of what my mum would think if I died. So I spat them out after I chewed them and just stayed awake for 4 hours, thinking. Now I am scared of what is going to happen because I stole my mums pills and she is eventually going to find out. I just failed to commit suicide",Suicidal +17410,"Recently diagnosed with borderline. I am 30 and it is gotten to a point where I have one friend, who lives in another city (and I cannot visit easily bcz I do not drive). The rest of the folks who were in my life either were part of a blowout with me or avoid spending time with me (I tend to talk about deeply personal things or am very quiet and awkward, so I do not even blame ppl for not wanting to be around me. Pls note: I do try to monitor my behavior and comments and try not to say inappropriate things that make folks uncomfy but it is sometimes done unconsciously.) I have spent most of my life telling myself it is all in my head, people do not dislike me, I just need to be more social yadayadayada. Which is not necessarily untrue, but now I am realizing that it is more like people do not feel a connection with me therefore they likely never even think or care to consider spending time with me or talking to me. (Ie. it is not all about me realization). Currently I am stuck between fearing connection (potential rejection) and desperately wanting to spend time with other humans. So I guess my question is: Are there other folks who have experienced this illness or these feelings and have successfully overcame them and were able to build and maintain successful platonic and romantic relationships? If so any tips or advice? Folks with borderline personality: How do you make and maintain friendships?",Depression +17411,"That would have made my year, I totally fucked up sold my ps4 and now I am bored all the time, my gf is incredibly boring and just sits in bed and does nothing. I probably use my phone 8-9 hours a day. Work 8 hours a day, and if I can wake up early or I am off I go to the gym. I wish I could go back to the lock down and then maybe I could have taken a different path. I just wanted a ps5.",Depression +17412,"HiI'm like almost 30I have been socially ostracized pretty much my whole life. When I was in middle school and when the most important thing is to start having social relationships I just went to school and home, without making friendships, or love relationships. It happened the same in high school and college. In my mid teens I was feeling socially behind everyone else around me in the sense that all the other teens were having friends, social circles, love relationships etc. In college I was already socially retarded and it could be seen on me, yeah whenever there is a group there is an odd creepy autistic guy, i was that guy. Work life came after college, and in the workfield is a different story. Here people were mostly in their 30s had kids, it was no longer a place where you can interact with people who have a similar age and interests as you. I have a really hard time waking up, sleeping, going trough another day, I do feel like if i would not have to wake up and endure this hell of an existence and it would all be over.Life seems to be a social net that you have to start building up since your childhood and accumulate the key experiences at the right time. Friends, true friends, first kiss, first teenage sexual relation, etc.I have not experienced these crucial milestones. I feel dead inside. Also had multiple botched eye surgeries that left one of my eyes conjunctiva permanently red. Now people feel even more uncomfortable near me thanks to my oddly red eye. I have never been part of the world and it torments my every single waking moment",Depression +17413,Shows how disgusting humanity truly is. More people have told me to kill myself than those who have helped me,Suicidal +17414,"it is currently 4 am, I have work in 4 hours, and I do not know what to do, I am in so much pain but I cannot cry or express myself and all I want to do is cut until I actually feel something. I have been trying to tell my family and friends I need help but it is falling on deaf ears and I cannot fucking stop acting like I am okay or 'just tired'. They all think I have gotten better but I am not, I am scared one day I am going to just give in to my thoughts and am terrified I am going to lose my job If I do not go to work tomorrow or mess up if I do. I work in a medical environment and I do not think it is safe for anyone for me to be there in my mental state and lack of sleep. I need help I have not been able to sleep for the past three days, I feel so numb and like I am going to cave in on myself",Depression +17415,There are a lot of them. I do not know anyone who went to see one so I cannot get a recommendation. Any tips on how to choose one? Where to ask? Google reviews are a bit vague in my area. Thanks a lot! I do not know how to pick a psychologist,Depression +17416,"I cannot understand any of my emotions like sadness, when I am asked why are you sad I cannot explain it to that person, but how can I when I cannot even understand it myself ?. Problems with understanding emotions. Does therapy work anyone?",Depression +17417,"Note - English is not my first language, therefore the text might not be gramatically correct, but I will do my best. &#x200B;So before i even go on, I will throw in a bit of context - My best friend from high school (let us call him D) was into this girl since the first year of HS, and they eventually got together at the start of the third year. I always had weird relationships, that did not last too long, so i decided to take a break from relationships and focus on myself, to realize who i want to be and stuff. Anyways, i get to know this girl, let us call her K, who is the bestfriend of D's GF. We hangout a few times and eventually decide that it would be cool if we start dating. So we are together since New Year's, and that is where things start to get messy. Whenever something bad happens between me and K, D always knows and blames it all on me, mocks me in front of K and his GF, and just makes me feel worthless. K, D and D's gf also started to leave me out of any plans, be it camping or hanging out. I just feel like I am no one's number 1. If i just break up with K, I will get D and D's gf blaming me the entire 4th year of HS, because they are also my classmates. Never ever have i felt more trapped than now. I do not have anyone to talk to, because i lost a lot of friends, because K did not want me to talk to many people. My parents are always working, tired and generally in a bad mood. &#x200B;I just...cannot. I feel so done at this point and i do not think anything matters at this point. Might be a mood swing, but i feel really down",Depression +17418,"If a man has no purpose, his life is just a continuous death i have no purpose so what is the point",Suicidal +17419,do not think it will take long now Just made a suicide note,Suicidal +17420,"People think depression is always being sad. People think depression is always crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go to bed again. Tired of hurting with no end.",Depression +17421,"I feel like I am stuck In life, I just want to leave. Stuck in a small town.",Suicidal +17422,"I have had two hanging attempts in the past month and I cannot have another failure, it is too embarrassing and the pain is too much. Just when I think I might be able to to on my mind and heart come crashing down. I suppose this is a goodbye? I was tired of living with trauma from my childhood, and I miss the love of my life. I guess all I can do is put it as straightforward as that because I have run out of energy.Goodbye world. I am sorry for any person I have hurt, intentionally or not.- Irene3:50am sat July 17 I feel like I have to end it tonight for good",Suicidal +17423,Last weekend I tried to jump out of a moving car on the motorway (freeway). My boyfriend was driving and he managed to get on to the hard shoulder. I just felt so claustrophobic being me. I am 36 in July and still struggling badly with depression after a long time with it. I am just posting for support really as I am just at a really low point. Tried to jump out of a moving car,Depression +17424,"I am embarrassed to be writing this but I am desperate. I do not want to live anymore but I am too afraid to kill myself, I am weak and do not know that Ill ever be brave enough to do it so here we are. My mom and sister hate me. My extended family think I am a manipulative bitch because of my struggles with depression after multiple traumas. Its fine if they do not understand but god I wish I could get just a little compassion. I know I have made mistakes, I know I am not anyones favorite person, but it would be nice if anyone could take into consideration what I have been through and consider forgiving me for dragging them into my dark sad world. I do not know if Ill ever be cured of depression, and as long as I am sad, I will be hated and alone. This life is not worth living, but I have no other choice because I am a coward. I just want even one person to tell me I am not alone. Thinking about my own existence makes me sick to my stomach. I would do anything to get out of my own head and just have any form of comfort. Any amount of hope. I am in so much pain. Support",Suicidal +17425,"Recently split with my girlfriend of 6 years after seeing her make out with a mutual friend of ours one night while we were out.I had a hard enough time dealing with the breakup but two months after we split she asked for our cat Bellamy which we had adopted together. Well after fighting about to cat and who should get to keep it I get flooded with screenshot after screenshot of her and her new boyfriend talking shit about me and all my flaws, how great they are sex life is and how much happier she is with new guy.These txts have been on repeat in my head ever since and I just do not see the point in pushing on, why suffer everyday when relief is just a trigger pull away. Why push on?",Suicidal +17426,I guess ill have more coffee. More espresso less depresso I am so tired of this and in general,Suicidal +17427,Is there a way to legally make sure no one has to deal with giving me a funeral or burial. I do not want to burden my family with that. Advice needed,Suicidal +17428,"Recently split with my girlfriend of 6 years, after she had cheated on me with a mutual friend of ours while we were out playing pool one night. I was absolutely devastated, I had made plans on proposing to this woman a month previous. The breakup was hard as hell and I barely made it through that, well fast forward two months and I am still struggling to get over everything and my ex txts me to ask for a cutting board her grandmother had given her and to ask for a cat we adopted together. I really did not want to give up the cat buy I eventually gave in. She comes over takes the cat. After about a day or so later messaged her to say I was not comfortable with the idea of keeping the cat anymore to which she responded with I am talking to someone else now leave me alone, well we start fighting and I am telling her I do not care about her new relationship I just want the cat back. She tells me that she going to do everything In her power to make me block her. I then get screenshot after screenshot of her and the new boyfriend talking shit about me, how good they are sex life is and what a joke I am. I have no motivation to get up in the mornings, I go to work I am autopilot mode come home and do not have it on me to even want to eat. I have lost twenty pounds in two months dropping my weight down to 130 pounds. Their conversations have been playing on repeat in my head ever since, and I honestly do not have the motivation to want to live anymore, I was not particularly happy with life before and now I have no reason to care at all, why keep pushing on when everyday is miserable? what is the point in pushing on?",Suicidal +17429,I do not even know why I sleep so much. I am always tired anyway.&#x200B;>!Help me!< I wanted to do something productive today but I have slept for 14h again,Suicidal +17430,"the worst part is i cannot even tell if I am faking it or not. it does not feel fake idk. i broke up with my ex girlfriend several days ago because her mental health was starting to affect mine and we did not have a healthy relationship. its just when you love someone so much that its hard to see them like that. but throughout our relationship i found my self in really depressive states and when she was contemplating suicide i did too and that started to give me suicidal thoughts and they have not gone away. i do not think i would ever do it, i want to live. but what this relationship has done to me is mentally and physically drained me. i know I am not the only one who is drained, but right now how I am feeling is that the future is useless. i know how its going to end. I am going to meet someone new, fall in love, get a dream job, get some cats maybe, but is it really worth it? because i cannot even explain what the next few days are going to be like my last relationship has made me highly depressed and a bit suicidal",Depression +17431,"Last week, I made a passive choice to stop fighting. This is not my first time here but, I think this is really going to be it for me. These are my reasons why:1. Nobody would miss meMy family moved out of the country (parents+siblings) and are now permanent residents of another country that I do not have access to (plane ticket prices + covid restrictions + I am a foreigner so I cannot ever just live with them). Its funny, they did not even tell me they were moving until they got their passports renewed two months before. I was just in college and they left me here by myself. So yes, I think I have good reason to believe that my death would not impact the day-to-day life of my immediate family. My old friends and I barely talk. I do not have a job or coworkers. I live with my ex and as soon as I move out, we will be going no contact. So there, nobody would legitimately miss me in any way that is actually meaningful. In fact, I could bet you that I could go a month being dead somewhere and nobody would notice. 2. I am not important. Like I said, I do not have a job. I do not have friends. I do not have a partner. I do not have anything going on in my life. I do not even have pets who depend on me. If anything, because I cannot find work, I can only assume that my skills and education are useless in the current market. I have nothing to offer anybody. 3. I do not want to be here. Id say this is the least important one but if it still matters. If all of the above is true, then what reason do I have to be here if I do not want to be? I have no prospects. My future looks bleak. Id rather control my death if I cannot even control my life. So there. These are my justifications. After I leave this apartment, and my ex no longer expects to hear from me, I will find a peaceful place, away from everybody and say goodbye to this world. I cannot say that its been good but I really did my best. I tried very hard for a long time. I just think that I have nothing to offer to anybody or anything. The world will be no different with or without me. I am posting this because I do not think its fair to tell this to anybody irl. I want a quiet exit but I also just want to explain myself. My reasons why",Suicidal +17432,Abuse is fucked up.Everytime I think I can outrun it. It gets worse. To a point where I cannot even do anything about it.what is the point I really want to do it,Suicidal +17433,"there is no getting better, there is not a single soul that can help. I have a knife in my hand ready to cut myself and I feel nothing. Was any of this ever worth it? This world broke me so much I do not feel anything anymore",Suicidal +17434,"It beat me. It caught up with me again.I have been struggling with this for almost four years now; countless nervous breakdowns, fits of sobbing and crying, and dangerous thoughts. I was depressed.But during these past few weeks, I felt happy. Genuinely happy. I occupied myself with numerous hobbies. I started working out and going on walks. I surrounded myself with people who gave me love and support. I felt productive and healthy. Physically and mentally. But out-of-nowhere, that saddening grimm and pathetic feeling crept up in me again. And it hit harder. Now these hobbies feel pointless. I do not have the motivation to work out. And the support and love from my friends feel meaningless. And I hate it, I hate this feeling, but my mind keeps on falling back into this sad pit. I am broken.I want to be happy again. I want to feel like I am living life. But my mind will not allow it. And I do not know how. I am self-aware about it, but even that will not help get rid of this sick cold feeling. This really hurts because I genuinely thought I found purpose and happiness. I thought I beat it, but it came back for a second round.",Depression +17435,"Self harm helped but I do not want to fall back into that again. I do not know what to do, I am so exhausted and sad How do I handle the pain?",Suicidal +17436,I have been hanging on how much longer for fuck sake I am so over this shit. Want to die so badly,Suicidal +17437,"I thought moving to a new continent would be a fresh start. I finally took this loan to do masters in my favourite course from an elite institute. Just started forming new friends and relationships then corona happened. I would moved to a whole new place so I had nothing and no one to hang on to. The only person I would stick with was someone familiar from back home who stayed in this new city. He left this country too and now I have no one. Literally no one. I have tried numerous ways to make friends and I have no idea how to. I am only 24 but I live the life of a 40y/o single woman without cats in a sad little place I got because rent is ridiculous. I am only 24 and I have done NOTHING worth have memories. I do not even remember the last time I was happy.No I cannot go to therapy, I do not have that kind of money. I barely make enough to pay my rent and bills that I would pay rest of it to someone who makes money out of mental illness. do not get me wrong. I know many good psychologists but there are also really bad onesI do not think talking about this alone helps. I am doing it right now and maybe it will feel momentarily good but just for now. Then it is back here. So what is the point. Idk if I am such a bad friend, I am so intensely loyal and would hide a body for someone. I would stick until the end and create zero drama and still cannot get one friend to stay?I know it is a new place and that these things take time but how long and why is it this hard? Everyone seems to be part of some clique or the other. Idk why it is just me here alone isolated Idt if I stopped existing if anyone will notice. Two months ago I went off social media because I spent too much time on it. When you leave social media you will realize how little people think about you on a regular. Literally how many people will care enough to notice. I do not want to live and I do not want to die. I just want to stop existing if that was possible. I barely even take care of myself anymore. what is the point? I am not happy and I am so awfully alone. I love being independent but not all the time. it is been over a year since I have been so fucking alone. I do not even remember what it is like to have normal human interactions. I try so hard to make friends that it is almost embarrassingI have no idea what to do anymore. I wish I would just stop existing forever. People that love me will feel pain and then move on. Just like the world does and should Just want to stop",Depression +17438,"I catch myself thinking and considering suicide daily. I do not think I need a plan I could just walk to the river or take the pills from my cabinet. Sometimes I have almost done it but I never just go through it. Maybe I am a bit scared. I am also scared that I am just faking it since I do not cut or anything. Can I still be suicidal? Actually I do hit myself, but i do not think that is self harm? Can I be suicidal without s3lfh4rm?",Suicidal +17439,"Guys, I just cannot do this anymore. I am a terrible person who has done terrible things, and I think I am going to face some serious consequences soon. I have thought about numerous ways to kill myself but cannot really think of a foolproof method. Pills are too risky and I do not have enough of my medication right now to make sure it happens. I do not own a gun and cannot buy one (if you are a MMJ card holder in my state they will not let you purchase a firearm...dumb I know). I have thought about jumping off an overpass, there is a really high one near me, but I chicken out every time I go to it. Is drowning painful? If I keep myself weighed down with like a cinder block and jump into a lake, will I be sure to fall to the bottom? Is drowning painful?",Suicidal +17440,how do you handle the ups and downs? when do you just give up all hope? it is because always a little harder to keep myself together after things go south again and again though I was better and now here I am,Suicidal +17441,"Recently I have been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression and anxiety, and I have been given a treatment which consisted of vitamins and 5-HTP, but a month into this treatment and I am seeing no long term improvements. The only times I have felt better was when I first started (for like 4 days), then when I took a higher dose of 5-HTP, like my psychiatrist told me, and that improved my symptoms for about a week and a half.And now a whole month into the treatment I am feeling a lot better on the anxiety part, I am not that shaky anymore and I can sleep better and express myself a little bit more better, but on the depression part, I feel a lot worse. Today I felt worse than before I was on treatment. I felt like I did not want to do anything, my energy and motivation for anything was non existent. I did push myself and went to the gym, and went running for a bit, but that did not help. I am constantly pushing myself daily, even though it takes me longer than needed to complete my daily tasks.And I cannot help but think about my condition, and what if it is treatment resistant and the doctors will eventually give up on me. What then. And when that thought of even the professionals abandoning me came in my head, I could not help but think of a way to end it. Made up a whole plan in my mind, which would leave no trace. The thing is, professionals are my only hope now, and even though I can control my actions, like in not executing the plan that comes in my mind without me even wanting to think of it, I cannot control what I am thinking. I have told my psychiatrist that I think about suicide only hypothetically, on a ""what if"" situation, like ""what if I was gone"", I did not tell him I actually made up an entire scenario in my mind in fear of being locked in a mental health hospital.Monday I will have my next appointment with my psychiatrist, and I want to tell him that the current treatment is not working as intended, I just hope I will be able to hold on another week without losing my mind, because in this current state I am in, I cannot socialize or do anything and time passes really slow. I feel like I am getting distant with my friends, and none of them know what I am really going through, I did not tell anyone that I am on therapy and that I am following a treatment for this. I do not want to lose anyone. If now after treatment I am like this, I do not want to imagine how I will be in a month from now, or heck, a year, as my mental state has been worsening lately (even before the treatment) like no other time before. I want to get better, as soon as possible, I do not care what pills I might need and what side effects they have, for all I care I can lose all my libido, taste, skin color permanently, if that meant I can feel happiness again. Hell, I am willing to spend any cash just to get to that point. I just hope that is not too much to ask for. because I already lost friends, I do not want to lose everyone by the end of the year...I want to be like I was before.I want to have fun, feel happiness, be able to talk like I am in the rare days I feel good without a dark cloud over my head. I just want to experience my young adult life the way everyone else does and can. I have had enough of these awful feelings, or more like lack of feelings, lack of anything, and I do not know how much more I can take.Do you think telling my psychiatrist about my actual thoughts will put me at risk of being locked away? Should I tell him? I just have no idea what to do, I feel like I cannot trust my feelings, and my thoughts at all. Getting worse, even with the treatment",Suicidal +17442,"My parents really want me to go to college but mentally I am not ready yet. My entire high school experience was hell. I tried to kms every year, I have been in the mental hospital 3 times. I barely graduated because I was always in the hospital and missed months of school because I was not able to find enough strength to do anything. I do not want to go away to a foreign environment and still struggle with depression and anxiety. Just in this case it will be intensified. Even now I have suicidal thoughts to want to kms literally every single day. There is not a day when I am happy. I do not know what to do anymore every time I think of college I want to jump off a cliff( its extreme ik) but honestly I do not know what to do. I do not want to be a adult and I did not ask to be here. Its so frustratingI hate it so much. I hate feeling pressured",Suicidal +17443,"I am just going to go ahead and embarrass myself off the bat and let you all know I cried at the end of the empathy and sympathy video from the rules. I just signed up for Reddit not long ago and it makes me feel welcome and safe. that is when I started searching for this sub.I had no idea that there were two people most of the time that recognized your problems: the empath and the sympath. I 100% believe I am an empathetic person. When I tell people that I understand what they feel, I can literally feel it. I make other peoples problems my problems. I decide Okay this person is clearly over barren with their difficulties that if maybe I just take a little weight off of their shoulders, they could breathe. After all, I would want someone to do that for me.People can never really reciprocate the feelings correctly. I know that sounds odd. There are no wrong ways to feel, but something about the demeanor of those i help really tears me down. I am slowly giving, giving, giving until I am all out.I can tell that recently my depression is worsening. I cannot tell if it is a hormonal wave, but it is so extreme. I have not showered in like two and a half days. But its been longer before. I am trying to find my footing, but I can feel myself mentally drift. Just a morning or two ago I was incredibly happy I stayed up all night just to clean the house for my mom. She is a handful another post for later. My mom now is so cruel and treats me no less than a cleaning lady. I had a relationship with her when I was smaller, but she tries to get me to hang out with her, I never stay long. Everyone I have ever met loves my mom. The only people who really know what is going on is my boyfriend and my dad. We label her as narcissistic because I did not recognize she was so mean because I was so used to it. Today, I was crying for many reasons. First it was because my anxiety was bad and I did not really have anyone to talk to. Then, it was because I felt guilty that I accidentally kept my exs pictures in the My Eyes Only section of snapchat (my boyfriend did not care as long as I deleted them). I think I might be bipolar. I feel like I am blowing things out of proportion when I say that, but I might need to be reevaluated. By a psychologist, not a therapist that will befriend my mom and become BFFS WITH. I played myself and lied to her the entire time I was her client. I was already diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was taking lexapro, but stopped because I started taking a whole 20 mg pill that was supposed to be cut in half. My dumbass. But when I took it consistently 3 weeks in a row in rehab, I hated how it trapped me in my own brain. This post was very hard to make and I do not think I can retype it if it gets taken down bc its unfocused. I am so sorry. I do not care if you leave advice or not for me, as long as you read my post. All I wanted was to be heard because I could not express my true self. If you need more context, please just ask. I am sorry, again for my ADD rambling. I know there are some major things I am leaving out. I am such a fucking crybaby.",Depression +17444,"My mom passed away last sunday due to covid. I constantly crying and I am so fcking tired. I never experienced something like this and it brokes me.I mean my mom was already sick to begin with. So when i heard the news that she is positive, my world just shatter. I thought i had been prepared for this, but this is worse than i ever expected.She helped me go through my depression, and is the sole reason i have not try suicide yet. Now that she is gone, I am completely broke and out of reason to stay alive. How do i get through this... please.. How to cope with loss of loved one.",Depression +17445,I have done everything right. I have worked so hard to get to where i am now but i constantly feel like there is something missing like my life is incomplete. Feel like something is missing,Suicidal +17446,So i have had a whole Disscusion with my parents about the vaccin They said that it could be that nanotech is in it which will make People who had it go crazyBut my dad also said that the People who had the vaccin could die between now and 5 yearsThe thing is i have a really good friend who has (i believe) had the vaccinAnd i really really like himI have never been able to tell him since I am an nb person and he is a guyI'm just really scared that everyone i know who had the vaccin will die and that I will have no one i can loveI cannot deal with this If this keeps up then I will kill myself because i want someone who will be my partner and who will love meI need someone who will help me out of this I really need someone to help me (tw: different views on covid),Suicidal +17447,"I have felt like this for a long time. I am mediocre at everything I do. I do not excel at anything. I am not social, and I am afraid of meeting new people.I just feel empty. Like I am not going to do anything in life and I am sick. I am sick of feeling like this. I just do not feel like I am enough",Suicidal +17448,"my Christian grandmother abuses me every day to the point I have started to throw up with the stress....she will explode for no reason & gets a sick thrill out of it......then she will call the family & report that I am the issue.....so he called this week & accused me of all lies, & called the police it was horrific.....I have felt so suicidal so my ex priest uncle called the police on me & said it was for my own good",Depression +17449,"I have fought and battled with depression majority of my life, but in May my best friend and fianc of two years both died(separate incidents) and my life has fallen apart. I no longer go to the gym, I lie around in the dark and silence of my apartment, and bawl my eyes out as soon as my tear ducts are ready for another round. My heart is shattered and my spirit with it. Is there any hope at this point? What can be done? I am Struggling Enough",Depression +17450,"My problems all come from the fact that I cannot stand myself. I just despise my whole existence. At times I wonder what the point of this life even is and how people can whole heartedly believe that there is one for everybody. Everyday I look in the mirror and I hate what I see,its been like that for 11 years now and I just want it all to end. I do not want to be here anymore because I know that no matter what I do I will always be my biggest enemy. I am tired of battling myself 24/7. Its exhausting and honestly if I could I would get euthanized without a second thought. I wish I loved myself",Depression +17451,"I see the appeal now. I just needed something, anything, to help let the pain out. It hurt, but it also felt good.God help me. I cut myself for the first time today.",Depression +17452,Something new I tried that I want to share with you all Leave a message for your future self,Suicidal +17453,"Am I happy or sad, I cannot determine it Why am I crying",Depression +17454,"I do not know what is wrong with me.It feels like my head's empty. Like the lights are on but nobody's home. Like I am existing on autopilot, and the only reason I do things is because I am expected to do them. Make plans with friends, I stick to them. If I have got unstructured free time, I let it just waste away. Unless it is in the routine, and I can do it without thinking about it, it is going and gone.I spent my whole life like this and not worried about it. And I have been successful, at least professionally. But then it hit me like a car to a brick wall. And once I realized it, once I realized that I do not have a clue about what I want or what I enjoy, and that I have just been coasting through life like a leaf in the wind, I have been terrified. Reliving the choices I made to seclude. Realizing that I have pushed everyone away. Acknowledging that I do not think I have made a real decision with real consequences in my life. Knowing that most of my time on this Earth has been spent in a void of experience, most of which I barely remember. I spend it alone. With not even my thoughts to keep me company. Blissfully unaware of how this is not life. Until recently.I am seeking help and I am seeking treatment, but still.I do not know what is wrong with me. And I hate that I could not acknowledge that sooner. The Void",Depression +17455,"To make a better picture of my situation: I am a 20-year-old man. I live on my own since my 18th birthday. have not finished a real education. At the moment I am starting my second Gap Year. I just do not know what or who to be.I just really do not know what to do with my life at the moment. Like in the past I was really an extrovert. No problem at all with communicating with people and I was just really happy. I got diagnosed with psychosis 3 years ago. I was even admitted for the psychosis for 3 weeks. After this, I had 2 years of therapy and it really went well with me eventually. I made a really nice new friend group. Picked up school again. I just got happy again and tried to pick up my life again. Then happened Covid19. Since covid started it just went downhill again. I started a gap year. Because I live on my own I work full time so I can pay my rents etc. My job was working in a call center as customer service for a company with a webshop.Because of covid19, everything closed, and what my normal week looked like is as followed. At the beginning of covid19, I had still lots of contact with my friend group. Of course a lot less than years before because I was working full time. Also because of my job I got in contact with so many people that like my social battery eventually drained out. How further they year went how lesser the contact became I had with other people. Not even my friend group. Because this friend group smoked weed I also started with weed. In the last year is just got addicted to it what just makes the situation for me even harder to solve. It just became so difficult for me to make contact with other people or maintain it. It also requires a lot of energy for me to have contact with people face2face. Like with my job on the phone it is not a problem. But just when I am face2face I just do not know how to react or what to say. When I get home I just do not have any energy to do anything other than just game or sit behind my pc.Compared to how I was I just do not recognize myself anymore. I do not know who I am. To be honest. I just really do not know how I can get to know myself again. It just really looks like I transformed from an extrovert to an Introvert. Can anybody by any chance relate to this in any way? Does anybody have any tips or advice on what helped you to get yourself to know yourself again?PS. I am sorry for any grammar mistakes. My first language is not English. hope my writing makes some sense. Can you go from an extrovert to an Introvert?",Depression +17456,"Hi. When I was 18, I was depressed. To continue to life, I promise myself that I will not kill myself until I would become 25 years old because I know that after 25, there will not be huge change in my life. Today is my 25th birthday. As I expected, nobody celebrated(I do not know use this word correctly). Thus, after today, I can suicide whenever I want. I do not have to wait for anything. Now I can suicide whenever I want.",Suicidal +17457,"Now I graduated but guess what? cannot find any job because I will join the military in 2 months ( it is obligatory where I live ) . Even shit jobs like customer service will not hire me .So here I am : 25, never had relationship, never had real job, on medications. If only my parents were dead, I will do it without hesitate. I tried to have a life, but I was not given a chance",Depression +17458,"I work full time; I am tired all the time; being tired makes me depressed; trying to solve my tiredness and sadness, I cut back on the hours; I am broke; being broke makes me upset; I take more hours to afford to go to therapy, thus starting the cycle over again.... Ugh. I hate my job but I have hated every job I have ever had. I hate working. I hate not working because I am at home with nothing to do and my time is freed up with no friends to spend with. I just do not have anything in my life that makes me passionate. Even my husband is starting to wear on me and he is the love of my life. If it were not for him and my cat I do not think I would have any will to live. I have tried anti depressants and they make me feel like shit and increase the brain fog. I just do not know what to do anymore. The future is an abyss of work, eat, sleep, repeat. This is stupid but today I broke into tears after realizing my coworker says ""good morning, *name*"" every day I work with him. it is so stupid but that is the closest thing I have to a friend and it means a lot. I am sorry for just up and ranting but I do not know what to do. I am just sad and tired all the time no matter how much I sleep and I cannot afford therapy. I feel like something is really wrong with me and I am paranoid it is worse than just depression. Unending cycle",Depression +17459,Only missing the alcohol and a quiet night. Letters written.,Suicidal +17460,"I have always heard that college is suppossed to be the best years of your life, and the AARP estimates that the first time your happiness peaks is at the age of 23. If either of these is even remotely true then I am not staying here for another 10 years. The pain is immense and it is starting to weigh me down more than I ever thought it could. I have not found passion, I have not found meaning, and I have not found love. There is nothing for me to live for except for the fact that killing myself would hurt my family, and that is not what I want my final act to do. I hate when people say that suicide is a selfish act, you know what is fucking selfish? Guilting people in to living another 60 years when it is clear that the only thing in store for them is sufferring. I just want to fucking die. Life is not for me, I understand that other people are happy and want me to keep living but I am not built to live happily so why cannot I just end it. If you buy a rotten fruit then you throw it away you do not painstakenly eat the whole thing and hope it gets better halfway through. I cannot feel positive emotions the way everyone else does unless ethanol is coursing through my blood, does that sound like how a human is suppossed to function? Does it make sense that the happiest memories I have are just different instances of me being drunk alone in my room? Why cannot I just end myself. All I feel is pain so why must I keep on living. Going through alcohol withdrawal at work while thinking about the fact that my happiness is suppossed to peak pretty soon",Depression +17461,"idk what to do anymore, i have always been depressed for idk how long but literally since about 14, I am 17 now but i do not know what to do anymore, i keep worrying that my girl is cheating on me even tho i trust them, i have a normal life with a normal family but i always feel like the odd one out, the only times i am genuinely happy is when I am high or drunk, i want to fucking just disappear so bad but i do not want to because i do not want to leave my sister, idk what to do anymore idk what to do",Depression +17462,My councillor has suggested they might help as I seem to have a biological imbalance. I have been offered them before and I stopped after two because they made me feel ill.They worry me. The whole crushing of your libido aspect. I came out of a relationship. Sex was important to me and though I am not with anyone right now I do not see being sexually numbed as something that will help my depression.And I have seen it from the other side too. My ex and I had an amazing sex life. It was probably 80% of our relationship. And while that is not good. When she went on the drugs for her own problems she did not want sex with me as much. A lot of the spark just died. And it hurt. I am scared that being on these things will kill my chances of finding a partner honestly. And I think its a choice between something that helps but also hinders my life.I just cannot make a choice. Any advice or anyone else who feels this way? Deciding if anti depressants are for me.,Depression +17463,"At first i did not know what it was, i just felt empty, sad, lost interest in all of my hobbies, nothing was fun to do anymore. I did not take it seriously, ""probably just your teenager hormones messing around"" i told myself.I began searching on the internet for weeks and i eventually understood what it was, fucking depression that is. Probably caused from many years of extreme shyness, social anxiety and self isolation, i was scared of people and i had no personality.I failed highschool 3 times, it took me 6 years to finish highschool. In my 5th year of highschool (19-20) years old) i only had 4 subject to finish, so i had pretty much 80% of free time the whole year. I promised myself i would get a job and actually be someone, do something with my life. I failed, got called for 6 interviews and i did not even attend 4 of them (huge panic attacks), last 2 were on a more discrete place with less people around so i eventually had the guts to go inside, first one i had a panic attack right at the beginning, interviewer seemed cool about it at let me take some deep breaths, i went through the interview but he said at the end ""I am sorry, but you should really consider seeking a therapist"". Last interview, i did sweat a lot, i had a very shaky voice, i was extremely anxious and could barely look at her in the eyes, 5 minutes into the interview she says ""you are not really qualified for this job, I am sorry"" and i left.After that day i hit the rock bottom, a few months later i rested my forehead on a loaded shotgun for more than an hour, trying to get the courage to pull the trigger but the only thing that came to my mind was my mom's reaction seeing me dead with my head blown out. I could not do it.Last year of highschool, only 1 subject left and again, could not even apply for a job, my anxiety was getting worse and so was my depression. One day at 5 in the morning i decided, this is it, I am going to end it right now. I got into my car and drove to the nearest cliff by the sea (huge 100m drop), i just sat there on the edge for about 20 minutes trying to find a reason not to do it, once again the only thing that i could think of was my mom's reaction. Eventually an old fisherman saw me and called the police, i kind of got away saying i enjoyed sitting while looking at the sea and i do it nearly every morning.Got into university at 21 years old, 2 years went by and just being occupied with something eventually kept my mind busy and suicide thoughts went away for once. Nowadays, 23 years old, 2 years of university went by, still never had a GF (or even a female friend), i made 0 friends, i still have 0 experience talking with women (i have not had a female classmate since i was 16). I promised myself that university would change my life just like it does to many people, once again, i failed myself (my social interactions got a lot better and people do not notice that much that I am weird, but I am still shy as fuck).Summer holidays just began, depression is growing again at a fast rate, no one to go out with, i have 3 friends from highschool but we go out like once a month at best, my closest friend just got a GF so he only talks to me like once a week just for regular stuff. 2 weeks ago i spent most of the time searching for ways to peacefully kill myself without making too much of a mess, i planned to jump of a 75m bridge into the water or maybe try again the 100m cliff, and also thought about taking a bunch of sleeping pills, go into my car and and let a butane gas cylinder open inside... I do not know how to help myselfSorry for long post, i have too much shit going on in my mind, and who knows if i end up doing it in the near future, i will send my reddit account to my closest friends so at least they know what i had going on in my mind. 4 and a half years of depression and suicide thoughts, is there any hope? (23M)",Depression +17464,"I am 19 years old, I live in Texas I have honestly been wanting to end it all since I was 12, but every attempt I take and everything I do never goes expected, I do not want to be here I have an selfish family not only that I feel like no one wants to see me succeed, my mom does not talk to me she is too happy building her dream family, I do not talk to my siblings because they do not care, and they have showed me that with actions, and situations they have put me in, my grandparents own 4 cars and will not let me drive any one of them so I can get a job, I also make music and that is my only happy place but I still do not know what to do, I have been alone my whole life and at this point it hurts more then ever, I have nothing, nothing to live for only thing I want is my baby sister to have a great life, more so Ill become famous then kill myself its better that way, I just had to vent maybe someone will try to bring me out my she will, maybe I need friends but I cannot trust anyone I have been fucked over too many times, maybe I am meant to be alone. I just need love/someone to talk to",Suicidal +17465,"What do you do when you have no money to afford food or bills because your measly $500/mo ssi check is gone, cannot get a job because disabled, have to live with abusive parents? Have no money for any of my personal bills or a vehicle. I do not know what to do. I need a reason to keep on keeping on. No friends or supportive family, so I cannot ask people to help me out. Any advice? Life keeps kicking me down",Suicidal +17466,"I work with a very small group of people of the similar age to me (24M) and we all spend a lot of time together. I have developed a crush on a coworker. She is awesome and everything, always laughs at my jokes and hugs me and kisses me on the cheek sometimes, but when she is drunk so it probably means nothing. Ibrecrntly found out she is seeing another one my coworkers, who is my friend and a great guy. This really causes me to go into a hole, leaving me in a place where I do not want to engage with anyone or doing anything. This behavior is super toxic as it affects my performance and negatively impacts the people around me. This has been very hard for me seeing them together and I really need advice on how to deal with my feelings. Crush on a coworker triggers increased depression",Depression +17467,"So while I was looking at Instagram, I encountered such post. Saying if you look at for peoples thoughts, way of acting, needs and such; you are not emphasizing with them you are experiencing trauma. It kind of hit me, I just feel quite anxious these days, not only looking out for peoples expressions and pretty much I feel paranoid about what people feel or think about me. I have gained weight these days and my family just like to slap it to my face, making fun of me mirroring their inferiority. Which worked actually. I just am so ducking tired of trying to give weight, even I do not really want to, I am literally having thoughts about what if I was fit like a model, I do not look the best anyway, maybe if I have a fit body, and such thoughts. Every ducking minute while I am on social media, I see ya think being woman is easy videos. I indeed liked myself yet people in those things comments just keep apologizing for what they have been through. I apologize that happened to you, that just so sad. I now keep looking out for someone staring at me, what if they desire me but I am underage, my hair, my clothes, shorts I want to wear but what my family thinks what other people think, just everything. I just feel anxious. My parent even try to say bad things about me sleeping half naked, what if a burglar were to come, going out and what if someone we know sees your outfits. Be considerate we like like you, we want to protect you. My country is just so ducking in bad state that i feel like I might get assaulted or die anytime. Feminists? They are just obsessed with how they are addressed, I do not call myself feminists not because I hate woman, first its name is just stepped on already and I think in order to qualify as woman you need to be doing something not sitting on your ass replying to not all my comments. I have yet to meet any active feminist. In a very sexist place I just have these thoughts what if I wear what I wantDo I have to do this because I am a womanI do not fell safe anymoreIm tired of my lifeIm tired of always thinking about who looks at my fat ass, who wants to kill me, who hates meIm just tired of seeing All assaulted woman making me feel like there is no way I can resist.I am just tired of being compared to peoples standards I like you, but I think you would look better if you were thin said my momI just want to be alone do my chores because they are mine not because I could do both. I just feel inferior, I really do want abs but the moment I said I want to workout of course my mom told me I am a girl, I want 6 pack I said I want to be fit again and then she said okay. Why do I need to be this suppressed and oppressed and at the same to need to cope with my future how shit economy is going. I just want freedom, and equality. I am just ducking tired. Sometimes I just understand it and be so null, and like a wave these daily problems just hit so bad. Like a wave",Depression +17468,"I just wish some days I could just go into an emotional void. Just turn off all of them and be numb for a little bit just so I can fucking rest. My anxiety makes me so hyper aware of them and my depression makes them so intense. I am in a streak of lows this week, today at work my anxiety is going fucking nuts so at least its out winning the fight with depression to occupy my mind. My brain just feels like the neurons are firing so fucking fast and all at once that I cannot function and I am going to just break . I cannot breathe today. I just need to breathe and I cannot but yet I am suppose to function like a normal adult in public with clients and coworkers but yet my brain feels like its circuits are about to fry. I try to go forward and I am stuck in this perpetual rerun of stuttering to get my thoughts in order and words formed to come out of my mouth. I just need to fucking breathe Does any one else need an emotional void some days?",Depression +17469,I do not think I deserve to die because I am a bad person. I think I have done enough good things that I have earned to be dead. I am interested in seeing what you poeple have to say. I deserve to die,Depression +17470,"I am 18. i have not achieved anything in life. all i feel like is a failure constantly, i feel like I am losing all my friends and I am a fuck up because i cannot even stop self harming myself. i cannot pay attention in class no matter how much i want to, i cannot do my work because i do not find the motivation to even get out of bed. every fucking day of my life is exhausting and I am tired of living. i know i should have so much to look forward to, i have the end of high school and university and all that, but its too hard. i feel like i cannot even get enough strength to last through the night. I have been cutting myself the last five years and i just did it tonight, and i did it on the arm i swore id keep clean. i just want to be normal. i do not want depression, or adhd or anxiety and it fucking sucks because i cannot even be a decent and normal human being. I have let down my teachers, my parents, my friends. that is all i can ever do. it hurts so fucking much, this constant gaping hole in my chest that never goes away and i feel like i simultaneously cannot breathe and do not even feel like I am in my body. no matter how hard i try to stay clean, i break my streak. its so pointless, its all so pointless, i just want to end it all. please, i just want the pain to stop. it hurts so bad and i cannot go on knowing I have failed everyone in my life and that my parents deserve a better daughter, my friends deserve a better friend. i live on the 9th story, i could just jump right now, but I have failed myself because i cannot even get the courage to do that. i just want the pain to stop. I just want the pain to stop",Suicidal +17471,"I Have No One To Talk To and I feel tired all day, I tried meet 3 girls but they are rejected me I just want to be happy",Depression +17472,"About 1.5 years ago I came up with the 5 year plan. From the day that it started, I had 5 full years to find joy in life, and if I was unable to at the end of the 5 years, Ill kill myself. This way when I do it, I am able to say that I really and truly tried my best to find reasons to live. Now I am 3.5 years away from my death, unless something happens that stops me, but i doubt that. Just a miserable lonely soul walking this earth in hopes to find a reason to stay on it. The 5 year plan",Suicidal +17473,"all the hurt and pain and suffering that is going on every day. all the poor animals that are getting tortured and exploited for humans' pleasure, nature, poor ppl in third world countries .. it all hurtsthe monotony of the typical day to day life in cities - work, eat, social media or TV, sleep. especially work taking up SO much our lives.. It makes me rly hate living. I hate all of this. I hate living in a world this disgusting and it even makes me ashamed to be a human, bc of the amount of suffering we are causing to other beings and each other every day.it hurts, and I am sad to say that I find it rly difficult to, in a sense, ""turn myself off"" to these things and live in blissful ignorance, enjoying the ""little things"" like my silly little hobbies and tv shows and whatnot.I simply cannot. I just do not see the point in any of these things...I get that it is my own life and a lot of those things are not within my control, and that I should just focus on what would make me happier.but.. how could I turn a blind eye to all these horrible things while being ""happy""? how could I be happy when there is all these things going on everyday?I cannot stand to live in this worldI want to dieI just want to dieI find it so strange that my brain is always like, I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. when I am not actually like realistically suicidal. like I am not planning my suicide or anything and I also doubt I will ever be brave enough or want it badly enough to actually take action. (probably) so then if that is the case then why do I keep having such thoughts as ""I want to die""? I just really badly not want to exist, I guess. all the ""good"" in this world is nowhere near enough to negate all the hurt and suffering and pain that goes on everyday, all over this planet.I am tired. I do not want to be hereI do not want to.. be I cannot seem to take it anymore, living in a world like this",Depression +17474,"I am not going to be someone, fucking hell I am probably going to be stuck in a office job for the years to come... But let us talk about 2020, It was 3/13/2020, the last time I saw my friends, I throught It was going to be two weeks alone, boy was I wrong, those weeks turned into months, I was really ""sad"" to say the least because I was going to spend my birthday alone, I do not have many special people in my life and I could not be with those that love me or atleast like me. I did not do ANYTHING in this pandemic, no project, no ambitious, I was too sad to do anything new, spent my days on my bed and on the internet and Just went outside to Go for a walk, I have not learned anything from It as It seems, I do not have a dissesse or anything I am not in a vulnerable position, but still refused to see my friends for no reason at all. I have spent 491 days in this fucking apartament of 100m, too depresed to do something New or too depresed because of the wasted time, 491 days that will not come back that are gone, even If the pandemic is still going and things are pretty bad in my country and it is more 3 months untill I get my shot, I do not know, I feel like I have should done differently, sometimes I Just wish to Go back and live properly, because in the Future I Will be fucking no one, I am not the special of the bunch I am nothing, and I have lost a lot of days of this boring and not valuable life. I have wasted almost two years of my life, a short life and a boring one.",Depression +17475,"Hi, I hope you guys ate doing okay.I am really easy to be affected by people's moods, for instance, if someone in the family is sad then I will be sad too even I was feeling good before that. So my sister is getting depressed for a few weeks now and I am worried about her but have no idea what to do or how to help and honestly, I am kind of avoiding her because she is feeling down and on verge of crying all the time and I do not want to be affected by her feelings. I want to be happy and I have a job to be. Okay, that is my excuse. When I had depression a year ago, I was all on my own because I prefer to deal with it alone. Today, I saw her crying, and God... I felt bad after that and I cried too (alone). I want her to be happy again but I scared at the same time. I still remember my therapist said that I am scared to be love and I admit that I am. I have no boyfriend and I only have two friends who live far away, we only text one another, I have not seen any of them for 3+ years. I feel pressure when I care for someone. I am fine being alone. I think I will stay single forever. But... we will should I see a therapist for this? I know this is abnormal. My sister's depression is affecting me and I am trapped. I my sister is falling in a depression and am worried that I am going to follow her too",Depression +17476,"So I am a big old ball of horrible right now and really do not know where to turn. do not have many friends who can understand how to be there or just get awkward, and for the veryyyy few people (like 2) its still a challenge to really go into how I feel.Basically I have been depressed my whole life and had a complete crash about 10 years ago trying to OD and handing in the ICU. For this whole ten years I have tried tons and tonsss of medications. Nothing worked, if it worked it worked a little, and sometimes would even be on 6 different medications. Also since then, been In therapy, been to the psych ward a fair amount and even got to the point my psychiatrist at the time was thinking electroshock therapy. I am so unable to function and impacted by + other aspects health (that i will not fully get into) that I classify as disabled and get Medicare. This past. Half of a year has just been kicking my but more and more every day and its getting so exhausting. I am in the only medications I can even take (Wellbutrin and lamotrigine) and even though it helps some. Say 10% it hardly gets me by. 90% percent of the medications I have tried do not work, work some and send me to the hospital at the same time. I cannot tell you howMany times I have been to the hospital honestly from just medications alone. All of this has built up to absolutely new lows in my life. I do not think I have ever been this bad I have tried my best for the past half year but its been slowly building up takes me 5 hours or all day to get out of bed, I cannot function anymore, I want to die everyday, I have no energy, my brain is so fried from it I can do subjects I am passionate about not just from lack of motivation but lack of being able to read. Yes, its gotten so bad I cannot read. My brain just shuts down. After it got really close to a huge tipping point where I was so close to just ending it all that my psych thought we urgently needed to do something and I told him I did not really care anymore and although it scared me we both agreed to one of the very few I have not tried: Paxil. 4 days later find my self in the ER with bradycardia and blood sugar levels so low that I almost went into a coma. The ER doctor told me to stop the medication immediately and for the next 4 days I could hardly walk and needed a cane everywhere I wentSo. I feel pretty damn hopeless. My psych, my cardiologist, my gp and my neurologist do not want me touching any psych meds besides the ones I am on. But they help so little and I am just shutting down so so hard. there is just nothing I can do, no meds to take, nothing in life that made me happy and the one thing that did make my life shine for once is gone :/ . I mean even during those moments of course depression was a thing but I was actually happy now I just lay in a dark room, rolled into a ball in the corner of my bed, been spending money I do not have, watching TV or having it in the back round i do not eat to the point my stomach feels like its being ripped from hunger pains, I cannot pay attention to anything anyone says, I have no ability to even have sex if I wanted to (but frustrated because mentally I have drive so it can make me irritable. But I am a lone so no chance of that.I am tellin you all I just see no hope. there is so many things I want to do rock climb.. read learn hike but no matter how badly I want to do it I just cantPoint being is I am in a super dark place, even darker before I tried to OD. Its been at this level for so long now I even started drinking which is something I never thought Id do. I do not drink to experience being drunk, I drink for the soul reason to get so drunk As fast as possible to pass out since it gets worse at nights when I try to sleep. This started after being at the breaking point for so long I tried to OD a month ago.I need help but there is no help to begin with. I feel like I need therapy everyday just to get by and not just once a weeks.Anyway that is only the half of it and I know this is long and I am sorry for that just feel so hopeless I do not know where to turn and where to get support there is literally no point even having appointments with a psychiatrist. You know how hopeless that makes me feel? Anyway Thanks for reading and sorry its so long. No energy to proof read, sorry. Just need to rant, some support and feel pretty hopeless especially after Paxil almost killed me. Depressed out of my mind right now.",Depression +17477,"I did not fucking ask to be hereBut now I am here, and people love me, and they will be devastated if I leave, and I cannot do that to them. When I am around other people, I feel ok anyway. So fine, ok, I will not kill myself. I will do it just for you, loved ones, even though living is misery every second of every day, I have no spark inside and I just want to sleep. But I will get out of bed, just for you, to make you happy. BUT..... Society keeps society-ing, does not it?I cannot just 'stick around' for Your sake. I have to actively ***work***. I have to ***work hard***. and I have to ***work hard in the way that society wants me to***. cannot just be a part time barista, oh no. that is embarrassing and also I will be homeless within a month. No, I have to study and internship and make something of myself. And even then, ***I better study the right thing***. Because we only appreciate CERTAIN KINDS of hard work around here. But I do not fucking want to LIVE let alone WORK TO LIVE. Is this a joke? I hate myself. I hate society. I hate being here and I do not fucking want to be here!! I am only here because it will make people sad if I leave!! But here I am shoveling societies shit because I am not allowed to JUST exist!Fuck off! I hate it!# Either let me kill myself, or let me simply exist!! I would not mind staying alive for my loved ones if I did not also have to fucking fight like a dog to survive.",Depression +17478,"I am not sure how much I can talk about Covid on this subreddit, so if its not allowed please delete.I am fully vaxxed but I still got Covid. I am still sick with it, but thankful it has not hit me too hard. I first thought I had a cold so when my mom asked me to take her somewhere I thought nothing of it. Now her and my 80 year old grandfather are pretty sick. Hes even in the hospital now. The fact that I caused this is killing me. I am trying so hard to not let it affect me this much, but I just cannot. I got my family sick and I am terrified",Depression +17479,"I have been seeing this girl off and on since the start of the pandemic (M43). I wanted a relationship, but she was going through a nasty separation and she did not. For the past six months, we have been going out as friends, and I was ok with that. We were supposed to go out right before July 4th and she cancelled last minute. I got upset because I was really looking forward to it and she had a habit of cancelling last minute. I got upset and she stopped communication with me. She said she was busy, and she probably was, but I keep running scenario after scenario through my head of what was going wrong.I have struggled with depression for almost 30 years and have never been able to seek treatment. I have come to the conclusion that this is why I cannot start any meaningful relationship. it is the self doubt and self sabotage that prevents me rounding the corner. I sent her a long text confessing my depression to her and telling her that all I wanted was for her to try and understand what I am going through. I emphasized that our relationship would never be the same and that the only other person who knows about my condition is my doctor. We had constant contact almost every day for the past year and half. She was going through a nasty custody battle with her ex husband, and I was there for her. I was hoping she would be there for me. Instead, she has blocked me on every social media platform and my number. It would have met so much to me if she tried to understand, but she cut me off. I am so embarrassed and feel so low. I just want someone to show me some compassion! Now she must think I am a creep.The only good news is that I have made an appointment with a therapist for next month. I feel so low and embarrassed right now",Depression +17480,"I have been suffering from depression a long time. I am Indian, my people do not understand or try to understand my depression. It will take a long time to explain abt my depression its causes and effects on my life.Last week I started to get treatment. I talked to my doctor and the validation I felt was amazing. The mere acknowledgment of my troubles made the difference. And started on meds. First week I did not felt difference much but this week I felt different emotions. One day I felt very anxious and bit fidgety. Yesterday, I felt really good I was energised and upbeat. Started to do things I loved before depression. But today I feel so down again. Not bad as usual but still low. Is this something happens when you take ur meds for the first time? Started to get help but there are some concerns",Depression +17481,"I have finally graduated college, with no job and having almost no social life. Sure, I could work at getting both now but they kind of require experience to make progress in anyway. I am already pretty scared of talking to people and I do not know what kind of work I actually want to do. I have never really worked a day in my life, never gotten laid or been in a relationship, and never lived on my own. At this point, I am pretty much just leeching off my parents as a NEET or LVM as some may call it.I feel like if I talk to people, I will not really have anything to talk about. Hobbies or interests? I do not really have any, sometimes I keep picking up stuff and then lose interest in it a month or two later. I have never been into anything consistently. Already tried counseling a bit and it did not really help, just telling me things I already knew.At this point, why bother living? I do not see anything good in the future and maybe someday I might end it all. idk if I really want to live anymore",Suicidal +17482,"I am really nervous that I am going to fuck it up, but I have been waiting for this moment for a really long time. It is today at 2:00 PM, is there any quick tips you could offer? Of course I am going to have to fake being upbeat and charismatic, but aside from that do you have any other tips? Maybe writing a few questions for the interviewer, or a list of strengths I think I have?I know for sure that getting rejected again is going to eat away at me so I will also use this post for the chance I do fuck it up, I will make a comment below or something. I got a job interview",Depression +17483,"I am so tired, unemployed since march 2020 and today i was humiliated in a job inteviwe because they pay basicly nothing and i questioned that, i felt so miserable, umpoewerd, i reaaly want to all this to end, i have depression, adhd and anxiety, i take my pills every day for the last 3 years and feel shit about myself everytime, i speak to my therapist every week but i just cannot go on anymore, i do not have any moe drive to keep living, its just hurts me more and more, i do not know more anything else to do, please help if someone can, i have 33 years of age an i do not want to live anymore I cannot stand any longer",Suicidal +17484,Every little inconvenience makes me want to kill myself. I am trying so hard to become a robot to stop the ability to feel and ignore the fact that I will most likely never be happy again. But I cry everyday when reality hits me. What did I even do to fucking deserve this.I am not even 20. People kill and rape and get away with it. My worst crime was probably stealing a pencil from a friend. Its just not fair man I am just a kid and I do not think I will ever mature at this pace. I would give anything to stop crying,Depression +17485,"I feel like it would help contribute to closure for the people around me, even if the people in my life have done unforgivable things to me, I think they still care about me.Do any of you have a draft already? What do you think are the important contents of a suicide note that could relieve feelings of guilt for anyone around me? Are you guys planning on leaving a note",Suicidal +17486,"Everytime I try to think of my futurenothing.Its just blank.I am currently changing my major,uni and planning on finally moving out (f/20) but it does not take the weight of my shoulders,instead it does the complete opposite.Changing my major is constantly sucking every ounce of peace out of my mind because I am so scared of making the wrong decision.Will it be the right major? Am I going to be happy? Am I smart enough to pass the exams and graduate?Will I get stable career depending on the major I decide on?Its hard and I still cannot decide. Business sounds promising but its boring and I am horrible at math. English sounds great too but the career opportunities are more than bad.I have applied to so many majors at different unis but it are not worth writing about.What if no matter my effortsIm going to kill myself? If it will be too much?I hate the thought of killing myself but its constantly on my mind so I guess its what I have to do some day.Its kind of funny because I never thought of life being this miserable when I was a kid.Was and is my dad abusive?yes. But I still had the fire in me you know.Its such a struggle. Do I need a lot of money? No, but I am unhappy with my body and my face so I need surgery,skincare products etc to feel worthy. Worthy to stay alive.Soyeah actually I DO need more money aka a well paying job but most jobs require degrees in field which make me want to kill myself even more because I do not feel skilled enough and will not graduate whatsoever.Looks like I am going to disappoint my inner child and die without reaching any of my goals. I have always dreamt of being an actress or working in a museum/book shop but it will not happen,thanks to the money issue and lack of will to live.Nothing special in my lifes going to happen because I will, as mentioned before, probably kill myself no matter what. I have a feeling that I am destined to commit suicide",Depression +17487,"I have already set my limit, it does not make me sad, I have already settled for some time that the day would come I set the date",Suicidal +17488,"After a few seconds of pain you will leave this shitty world. do not be a coward, just pick a day for yourself and do it",Suicidal +17489,"I have been nearly depressed for more than 6 years and now i feel bad all the time and even scared and terrified about the future .It hurts a lot seeing myself as a loser and think where is that confident ,happy ,cheerful guy that i used to be and what makes life worse is when you let down the people who love and believed in you and it feels like i wish i was better off dead than letting them down. People say those are lucky who have their loved ones but i think it does not matter when they do not understand my pain rather blame me even they know me it hurts really hurts .I think of ending my life as though i do not have guts to do it i think i can when am so hurt but i think of my mother parents my loved ones and think what would happen to them if i die . I think it would be better for them if they never had me as am there in this world to let them down and make their life much more terrible than it already is and the thing is even if i live it gives them and even if i die it gives them pain and i still do not know which one would be better for them .There is a girl who liked or loved when i was in puc but i did not have guts to approach her as who would like a loser like me and she still texts me even after 4 years of college and i feel she is not interested in [me. My]( family does not let me take any decision of my life related to my studies ,degree or anything and to their surpise i flunked in my degree for a guy who is 80+ in every year in school and college. Yet in this miserable life i sometime still hope that things will get better maybe even fantasize that i would be really happy rather pretending to be and doing something in this life am passionate about make my parents proud, happy and be successful and have a life rather than suffering alone always in pain disgusted by myself about the decision i took that brought me to where i am in life and as the day am so scared what suffering and pain the future awaits for me and i wish i could disappear just like that.|||||:-|:-|:-||||| MY LIFE",Depression +17490,"Long story short. I am a guy. I was in therapy for few years with the same therapist. she is probably old enough to be my mom. I was delusional when I first met her. I did not know that I was delusional at the time. After few weeks of meeting her I started feeling that she is my mom. But she did not know. I kept it a secret. But eventually I told her about it. After few years I started feeling that she is my real mom. I love her a lot, I want her in my life. I feel depressed because I cannot meet her anymore. Can your therapist be continue to be in your life on compassionate grounds? I feel depressed without her. I wish I was not delusional when I first met her. She helped me change my life. I do not know what is happening to me. Can someone help me understand? Help me understand (it is about my therapist)",Depression +17491,I feel like I have no destiny. Like I was never meant to be does anyone else have exact thoughts? Feeling purposeless,Depression +17492,"For 8 weeks I have been treated with an antidepressant. My mood fluctuates from normal to very bad (really really bad) during the day. I am afraid I have ultradian bipolarity. Can such mood swings be? When I feel depressed I do not react to positive things. I did not have hypomania, although I did feel euphoric for no reason (for 4 hours). I told my psychiatrist about this but he said he suspected I had a personality disorder. Before taking the antidepressant, I also had mood swings sometimes (it lasted for a week). The strangest thing is that I do not even have a diagnosis of depression and only have anxiety disorders. Are Mood Swings in UNIPOLAR Depression Normal?",Depression +17493,"So, I am not really suicidal at the moment and I do not class myself as having depression but I am taking antidepressants daily. I constantly get this feeling of just taking load of medication, not enough to do anything really bad, just enough to feel slightly out of it, does anyone else feel this way? I used to do this with anything, Id take enough to just feel sleepy, enough to make me feel nauseous when eating and my hands tingle. Is there a term for this/ does anyone else do this? I feel weird talking about it as I have kept it to myself for so long. I do not know if this is the right place to ask but",Depression +17494,"In this war I have waged inside my head, I begin to wonder what aspects have truly changed by my own will versus the changes that must be forced to be seen as socially acceptable. &#x200B;I have come to understand that every area of psychology focuses on only a few key areas of supplication. Those areas being; this notion of fulfillment, extravertedness, emotional control and a generally positive disposition of others as a whole.&#x200B;These 4 areas are explored more in depth through the practices of what is defined as ""Shadow work"" which is related to Carl Jung's concept of the shadow self. It is also similarly explored through something referred to as ""earned secure attachment"" or ESA for short. It is also the most fundamental aspect of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as well as every modern form of therapy. &#x200B;These 4 aspects, used to bombard the mind with thoughts and ideas that would encourage appropriate behavior. To supplicate the soul. &#x200B;Allow me to divulge on each of these 4 aspects of self.&#x200B;Fulfillment, being our most fundamental drive for purpose and reason. We often associate things such as power, finances, family, friendship, intimacy, attachment, love, acts of fulfillment such as in the arts (music, drawing, painting, photography, etc). Reasons for existence. &#x200B;Extravertedness: our ability to maintain several outside connections. To be mentally safe and open around others, to rely upon others and allowing others to rely upon us.&#x200B;Emotional control: emotions are messy and difficult in most occasions, thus you are asked to refrain from allowing certain emotions to be exposed or expressed. On the surface it is a rather simple notion. do not speak with rage, do not be jealous, do not be malicious. However, as with anything involving human interaction, it is more complicated than that. You might see this in someone is emotional response to death being laughter, or a person's reaction to rejection going nuclear and resulting in aggression or isolation. Such things are generally frowned upon and hence, rejected.&#x200B;Positive disposition to others: you are required to view others in a generally ""good"" light. That others are worthy of trust, can be relied upon, are capable, are as conscientious as you are, things of that nature.&#x200B;These are the measures of supplication. How well your mind has been beaten into submission. How well indoctrinated you are. These ideals of old do not ask about who you are nor what you want from this life. They are a rigid standard and if you do not adhere to it, then you must be sick in the head. There is no other solution. &#x200B;However, knowing this, knowing that you desire to have some place in that system. To have those attachments and the security of it all. There are only two variables when it comes to the mind.&#x200B;Either you are, or you are not. As much as they say there is no ""black and white"" their entire foundation of psychological understanding is built upon a black and white system. I do not say ""black and white"" as a reference to skin color, just to be clear. It is a measure between what is versus what is not. &#x200B;So how can I figure out who I am when I know who society wants me to be and in knowing what is expected of me, how can I have that flexible sense of self and individuality? I know the biases that are present and I know the results they want to see, but what if that is not who I truly am? Or what if it does not matter? What if who I am is nothing more than what I am told to be?&#x200B;There are only two roads. That of supplication and that of isolation. Supplication",Depression +17495,"So well I got myself checked officially and turns out I am a 14 year old with (PTSD) yeah so I told my friends about this and they laughed at my face saying that I cannot have it or depression because there are people out there with worse problems (and I agree that is true). They made it seem like worthless like my mental health is not important. Whenever I reach out somehow they make fun of me saying I am 14 and I should stfu. So today I have 3 months left before I commit suicide and well I cut all my friends out from my life and I just stay curled up in my room with myself. it is fine during the day since I mostly just write or watch shows but at night it is really bad. I take pills to sleep and now I am addicted to them. I started smoking to avoid reality. I am always tired and the only way I avoid emotions is by listening to songs all the time. I used to be at my best at a time but now I am too numb to even feel, be excited. I have got no one to live for and I am worthless so yeah. Thank you for listening to my my bullshit as my ""friends"" Would call this . I am too numb and nothing interests me anymore apart from dying",Depression +17496,"Suffering and want to fucking die this morning that is all. Terrible night , terrible feelings , so fucking over it all constantly being like this Terrible night",Suicidal +17497,"Is actually pointless. No one means anything. Like, work? Is that what give Americans purpose? Money? Who cares. there is no point in staying alive just to be forced to do things you do not want to do for pieces of paper that are in reality meaningless also. I wish we would just stop giving meaning to it. there is no point. Think about how many homeless kids there are that cannot eat because of this useless money they do not have. The world is stupid. I say if I want to leave it I should be allowed to. Life",Suicidal +17498,Every little inconvenience makes me want to cry and wish I was dead. No matter what I do I just want to cry all day and wish life got better I would give anything to stop crying,Depression +17499,"Today is my birthday, I am 18 now. there is no difference between my 17-year-old life and my 18-year-old life, but I feel like I am not ready to turn 18. I think there will be pressure on me.&#x200B;I do not have a sex life, I have hormonal sexual disorders. Also I have never been in love with anyone in my life. I have a social phobia, I cannot communicate with people. Moving away from people makes me feel hate for people.&#x200B;I did not get the score I wanted on the college exam I worked so hard for because I was so stressed out. One week before the exam was the worst week of my life. I decide to study for next year, but I am afraid of losing it again because of stress. I despised most of the people around me because they were not cultured. But failing at exam made me feel loser.&#x200B;I have no predisposition to anything but philosophy, history, natural sciences etc. I do not know how to loosen screws, I cannot paint walls, I cannot fix car. Now that I am 18, these facts hit me harder.&#x200B;Concern for the future is killing me. I am not ready to turn 18",Depression +17500,"I am tired of everything i just want to die instead of livingThings did get better than the guy who introduced me to a friendgroup that made me less lonely got a crush on me and in the midst of my fear of abandoment I said yes despite not even liking him, actually I liked his friend (that spark died really quickly after I became preoccupied with my misery so do not call me a bad person), if i said no i would be alone again but now if we break up well i will be alone again, the bonfire, the pub, the party those events were so fun i do not want to be abandoned and left out, i wish he did not like me, now I am stuck here and miserable, I am so scared, i do not want to be in a relationship, relationships are so scary, my first serious boyfriend coerced me into things i did not want and the one after said he would listen but instead of listening he played skyrim and went to sleep when i was trying to tell him how much i hate myself and how disgusting all the places he touched felt, and now when i think about how soon my current bf will do the same i want to cry, i want to die so bad,i want to run away but if i do i will be cut off and alone again, hes their longtime friend I have barely spoken to anyone I am only one of the people at the party i do not even text any of them because I am too shy, while hes known them for years hes close with them, if we break up i will be shut out and alone again but if i do not want to stay and have to deal with intimacy, i just want to die so bad, I am tired, i want to die, i want to die so bad The only person that truly knows me has been ghosting me for 50 days now, I am all alone, i do not want to let go of the happiness i felt at those gatherings but i do not want to go back to the time gross hands touched me or when i got guilt tripped into saying yes I want death sooo bad",Suicidal +17501,I am such a failure that I fail to take my life. Living is just so horrible and its only going to get harder. I just failed my 6th attempt,Depression +17502,"I remember learning about Sylvia Plath in school and thinking ""why the heck would she put her head in the oven? That seems like it would be so hot, is she nuts? Must have been a terrible way to die."" *Now that I am almost 30, Sylvia, I get it. I get why you would choose a way to die that would work.* My life has become a life of perpetual sorrow. It seems like every single year it is just something that gets added to the list. Every year I say ""wow this is worse than last year."" I have tried self-help books, manifesting, medication, therapy, and all the other crap to try to get myself out of this depression, but nothing fucking works. that is honestly the truth, my friends. It feels like nothing works. Everywhere I go, I feel I am a nuisance. Every person I talk to, I feel they just respond obligatorily. I have no true friends. I got married and somehow still ended up alone. It just honestly is fucking gut punching to wake up everyday and live this sad, pathetic excuse for a life. I have a kid who is the light of my life, and I do not even have the energy to get up and play with him or take him to the pool or do anything fun. it is like I have become a sloth and I want nothing more than to just stay in bed and do nothing. I have made some seriously great accomplishments in my life. After a stay in the psych ward, I graduated that semester with cum laude from undergrad. While raising a baby with virtually no help from my partner and working full time, I graduated with my J.D. from law school. My grades were not the greatest, but I fucking did it. I got through. I am on my way to be an attorney and honestly, all the I can think is, *I get it, Sylvia.* I am starting to understand why Sylvia Plath stuck her head in the oven",Depression +17503,thread.every single dayi'm really fucking sadmy only feeling towards myself is really fucking madif i disappeared most people would be gladand i want to diereally fucking bad.i used to have dreams of a great lifebut all i have nowis this sharp little knifebad thoughts and bad feelings are really fucking rifei'm tired of dealing withthis internal strife.i wish i never had to get out of bedi wish i could control the thoughts in my headi wish something would happenand I would end up deadi'm still hanging onbut just by a thread thread (poem) (tw:sh and su*c*de ideation),Depression +17504,"I am currently in my 20's and I still live at home with my family. I came out as non-binary to them around late December of 2020. My brother did not take it well. Ever since then, I have been hearing him spew homophobic, transphobic, sexist, and racist rhetoric almost every single day. he is made fun of me to his friends when he thinks I am not listening. My mother has not done anything about it. She tells me that he is an adult, so there is nothing she can do to get him to change his beliefs. she will tell me that I need to speak with him to smooth things over. I do not think that burden should be on the shoulders of the person being harmed to initiate that conversation. He does not feel any guilt about the things he says, it is only gotten worse over time. My mother says she supports me, but I do not feel supported at all when she does not stand up for me at all, only urging me to seek help and to eventually talk to my brother. She said she does not want to choose sides with her own children. Which I understand is hard, but it makes me feel so suicidal whenever I think about it.I do not feel welcome anywhere anymore. I used to at least feel a little bit welcome here at home, but even now that is gone.I have always been out of place, my whole life, anywhere I have ever been. I have several fairly severe mental health issues that have made day to day life very difficult for me. I dropped out of college years ago, I currently work at a supermarket with no end to it in sight. I do not work very many hours because of the mental illnesses I have, made worse by the severe symptoms I had due to long Covid. I cannot afford to move out anytime soon. I am also about to be too old to no longer qualify for being covered by my mother's health insurance in a few months. I am afraid that I will struggle to pay for my own health once again, and that it will only set me back in terms of finally moving out and becoming an adult. It was very expensive to pay for my psychiatrist visits before I was able to be covered under my mother's insurance. I am terrified to have to start all over again with a new doctor, or to have to go any period of time without the mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety medication, and ADD medications that make it even a little bit possible to function. If I lose my medicine, I might be dead for real. I am afraid to seek a therapist due to the fact that I am about to lose the insurance coverage, I do not want to get attached to a therapist only to not be able to afford seeing them anymore. I also have trauma about therapy stemming from a past therapist, who told me I was never sexually abused when I came forward to her one session and told her that I thought I might have been raped. I do not know what is happened to me anymore, maybe she was right all along.I am sorry. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for over half of my life, but never before have these thoughts felt so real. I do not have any long term plans or goals anymore. I had plans to travel, but Covid ruined that. Even now that things are starting to pick back up, I do not really care about traveling anymore. I am an artist and had ideas for long term projects I wanted to make. These ideas do not matter anymore either, I never start anything and I never finish anything because my ADD gets in the way. I used to have hobbies and things I enjoyed doing, but nothing is enjoyable or rewarding anymore. Every day is the same, I wake up in the afternoon, work a few days a week at my night shift job, get home and eat a shitty meal, work on my art in the most inefficient and energy consuming way possible, fall asleep after the sun is up, maybe for 3-5 hours a day, or 10+ hrs on a bad day. Rinse and repeat. I am too old to be living like an overgrown 13 year old, but here I am. I leech off of my mother's resources, I seek attention and pity because I decided adults did not pay enough attention to me as a child, I make everything into a much bigger issue than it ever needed to be.Coming out as non-binary was ultimately so inconsequential. I asked for a change in pronouns, but almost no one has used them. I came out because I wanted to live an authentic life, but I have regretted it every single day since I started hearing my brother say horrible things on a daily basis. Everyday, I do not feel welcome in my own home, and I wish I were deceased. I do not have any active plans at the moment to take my life, but I do not know if I see myself living any longer than a year from now. I am exhausted and empty and there is no joy in my life. I feel this is a battle I am going to end up losing. I never should have been non-binary, or ADD, or mentally ill, or stupid. I am sorry. I will just go to bed, I guess. The suicidal ideations do not feel so hollow anymore.",Suicidal +17505,"I feel empty sometimes. As if my soul is some sort of dark hole that can never be filled. I have not cried in a long time. And I guess some people would say that makes me strong. But I am not. I cannot lie and say that I have not spent nights wide awake, listing all of the reasons why no one will ever love me or reminiscing on all of the things I could have done differently in my life. But every time I try to weep, to drown in all my sorrows, I just cannot. The tears just do not come out. I can feel them in my throat like knives. I can feel them screaming at the top of their lungs for me to let them out. But they hide. The monster inside of me will not let them out. Because he is bigger than me. He controls me. And I just do not know how to destroy him. I feel empty sometimes.",Depression +17506,"I have been suicidal for most of my life so I have made my death into a little game. If I have to run errands and it gets dark before I get home? Then whoops got to jump in front of the train. As a flight attendant I stay in a lot of hotels there was one I stayed at where I found a perfect spot to kill myself, of I get a layover there again before my birthday I kill myself. It just spices things up a little Playing a little game with myself",Suicidal +17507,"I want to die.Its 10:15pm.I have been depressed non-stop for months.I barely eat, I barely sleep.This job is hell.I am just a number on a page and a tool.No other job wants me.I am not good enough for any of them to hire me.My finances are kicking my ass.So many bills.I am alone so often its getting miserable.I just wish she was home more so I could talk to her.I do not enjoy anything I used to.I do not have any healthy coping mechanisms.I just play videos games to try and distract myself from the harsh reality of things.Even that is not really working. I keep masturbating to distract myself but even that does not work.Its not even a lust thing, I am just trying to escape it all.I am scared that is she finds out she will hate me. Idk how or what to say.I just want help.A shoulder to cry on. Something.My parents would not understand.My friends definitely would understand.I am scared She will be mad at me.I want help but I cannot even make myself vulnerable enough to get it.I am under so much pressure to be perfect and I cannot live up to it.I am starting to hate myself for being this weak. I am starting to feel like killing myself is the easiest option I have.",Suicidal +17508,I am sorry but i need to rant about a few things. i hate everything and i just want to die but i cannot die because there are people who count on me and that makes it harder because i keep putting their problems on myself on top of my own and i cannot feel like i can breathe. and km going through some stuff which idk if i should say it but its like an identity crisis ig. and love. love is the worst thing in the world. i love somebody and ik they do not love me back and they make me feel so much more terrible about myself and so much more pain and idk what to do i just want to kms so badly but idk how and i feel like everybody is against me and nobody actually cares about me they because they never make it seem like they do and i bet that nobody would really even care if i died bc they would just forget me like they do normaly. anyways I am sorry for the rant i just needed to get it out of me I am sorry Life just sucks and is too painful,Suicidal +17509,"I remember being 13. Constant morning wood. Full erections. Could masturbate whenever I wanted. Over the next few years I noticed that my erections became weaker and that I could not ejaculate as easily. Got my first girlfriend at 16 and I realized something was wrong as I could not get it up. could not ejaculate. Nothing. We broke up a few weeks later. She told all her friends that I was gay. was not nice. Other than a few wet dreams, I have not orgasmed since I was 15, nor have I had an erection.I am now 31, and over the last 16 years I have tried everything. Endocrinologists, neurologists, urologists, cardiologists, everything. I have had every blood test and everything is normal. Something went seriously wrong during my pubertal development. No one knows what. I have tried every pill, every cream, every urethral tablet, every penis injection, every pump, every ultrasound therapy, and every band. I have taken anabolic steroids, serms, sarms, and dopamine drugs. No change. The last resort was a penile implant which became infected and had to be taken out. The doctors are unwilling to try another one given the likelihood of infection. It does not matter anyway, as my penis was still numb. So now I am left with a shattered, fibrotic penis. I cannot even pee standing up because my pee hole was ruined.So here I am. A 31 year old who by some definitions is still a virgin. I had a second girlfriend at 25, and the only sex we had was oral for her benefit. That lasted 6 months then she left me. She said were not compatible, but the only arguments we had related to my inability to have sex, so I think it was that. I am pretty sure she was cheating on me. I did not really enjoy the relationship anyway, as I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and it was very frustrating to not be able to have sex with her. All I wanted to do was hold her down and fuck her silly every second of the day. I could not fall asleep next to her because I could not stop thinking about all the ways I wanted to fuck with her. It was a huge tease and I was honestly relieved when she left me.I am going to kill myself. I will not say how or when, because that will get this post removed. If you think its stupid to commit suicide over a penis that might as well not exist, try this. do not masturbate, have sex, or orgasm for 6 months. do not touch your penis at all. See how horny you get, and how every thought in your head is related to how much you just want to have sex. Then realize that you will never be loved by a woman, and even if you were you would wish you was not because she would just further add to your unquenched libido. Live every moment wanting something you cannot have, and hating yourself for being unable to have it. Sex does not seem like much until you cannot have it, just like water does not seem like much until you cannot have it. I have never and will never be able to have sex with a woman and fall asleep with her in my arms. That thought alone is enough to make me kill myself. This is mental torture. I have tried everything to fix my penis, including some treatments not even officially indicated for erectile dysfunction and genital anaesthesia. I have given it my all to fix my life, and now there is nothing left to try. Its hopeless. I hate my life. I have sacrificed everything I can in the vein hope of being able to have sex, and to have a normal relationship. Or at the very least being able to have a fucking wank so I can relieve some tension.I am very proud of myself for sticking it out this long. I think anyone else in my position would end it before their 20s. But this has to end. I am truly unhappy. I was born 100 years too early. No doubt they will be able to diagnose and fix what was wrong with me in 2100, but by that time Ill be dead anyway.If there is any silver lining here, its that an elevated libido makes men aggressive, and aggression makes the act of committing suicide easy. I am done. Goodbye and good riddance to my shitty life. Not going to bother with a suicide note. Hope you all manage to fix your problems. I am unable to have sex. I am ending it here",Suicidal +17510,i know everyone is putting themselves out there. man idk what I am doing anymore. anyone ever taking their antidepressant and drink. i barely started taking mine and idk. depressed and anxious.,Depression +17511,I grew up very lonely. Was mainly close to my grandmother and grandfather. My grandmother was always near death but she always rallied. She really likes being alive. I think back on how happy she was to see me all the time. she is been dead for like 25 years. I think about her a lot. Sometimes I feel like making her happy by being around was the only thing I was ever good at. My mother is getting older and I feel the same way about her. When she is gone I will not have anything to feel good about. It scares me. I think about my dead grandmother a lot. Even more when I feel depressed.,Depression +17512,"Hi all, I am 25/F on mobile. I used to post on another subreddit for this but it seems it is gone now. Morbid as it would seem to anyone in my life if they knew, my comforting thought (as much as it could be) is that as long as I have enough money to buy a gun I will always have a way out. it is the last thing I think falling asleep and my first thought waking up almost every day for 7 years. In my state (US) shops are very relaxed and easy to buy. I told myself sometime between 26 and 30 I will need to get it done. I am 26 in 2 weeks so this is all I can think about recently. I am just pondering whether it be sooner or later but I cannot continue into my 30s the way I am going now. I have no desire whatsoever to stay alive to the point where the thought of hurting people with my death does not deter my thoughts at all. At least for now my ""saving grace"" is that I am afraid of being found out and no one would sell to me. Other methods seem way too unreliable and it pains me that I have poured so much into researching this. I just cannot see my life reaching a point to where it is worth living. A Way Out",Suicidal +17513,"Why do I feel worse when people say this? I feel even worse that people who actually care for me say this to me, and I cannot just take it and suddenly be happy.Like yes I am glad people are there for me to say this.. but sometimes it just has no effect and I just want to be alone at times. This type of behaviour has taken a toll on my SO as well, because she cannot see it from my perspective.. What do I do? ""there is nothing to be sad about, you should be grateful for what you have"" or ""do not be sad, there is people doing worse than you""",Depression +17514,"And I do not know what more I can do. I do not know him or where they live. I reported it to Twitter (that is where he talked to me) and they said they will contact him about it. I am just scared things are going to go for the worst since he asked me to not let anyone know. I did not respond to that. They do not want to seek help. They do not believe me when I tell them they are not a bad person. Everyone hates him apparently.AFAIK he had no family or friends or so he told me.I keep talking to him to try and change his mind but it is not working.I struggled myself with bad thoughts a while ago and I am starting to feel terrible myself (I am not having weird thoughts, I am just tired) Got talking with someone who shared interests but they are in a very bad mindset right now.",Suicidal +17515,"Frustrating how, on a day when you really need your therapist, she is home with a sick child and cannot come in. I totally get it its a job for them, and they have their own lives and families, which have to come first. But its a lonely feeling. Just adds to that despair. she is about the only person who can talk me off the roof. I just feel so lost right now. When your therapist is not even there",Depression +17516,"I am so tired of everything. i am very sure i have anorexia and I am only a teenager whose mother refuses to get her diagnosed or any kind of medical help because ""it is a wast of money"" and ""they will only make you worse"". I am so exhausted. I am tired of thinking about food every day. I am tired of regretting every bite i take. I am tired of feeling guilty after every meal unless i do not go and exercise for hours on end. I am tired of comparing myself to others and I am so tired of this body I am in. my mom has been screaming at me for hours today and calling me all sorts of insults from a spoiled brat to a r*tard. she says she is been trying to help but all she is done is yell at me and say she is spent money on me to feel happy. i just want her to support me once. i want her to tell me she is proud of me for trying. i want to end it, I do not want to live like this. i have no energy to do anything. I am so close to getting a knife and slitting my throat right now",Suicidal +17517,"Hey guys. I have used this subreddit before to say how I really feel about myself and my life. Even if only one person reacts, I have found it very therapeutic. I am also a musician and try to convey some of the depression and hopelessness I have felt forever. Throughout my major depressive episodes, I have written and produced music that I can now look back on and see where I was. Some of my favorite albums are bleak or dystopian or just generally influenced by depression. The best examples of this for me include the album Deathconsciousness by the band Have a Nice Life, and Songs About Leaving by Clarissas Weird. Does anybody else have a go-to soundtrack or film they put on when they want to disintegrate? Sometimes, our only hope is relating to life through art. Shout out to anyone still with us reading this. Coping with music and art",Suicidal +17518,"Does anyone else have a problem where they just cannot stop putting themselves back into a depression? Like I just scored a job that will help me achieve my dreams, accepted into grad school, moved into a nice apartment right across from a beautiful lake. My love life is great, friends and family who love me. I literally have nothing to complain about, but its still like fighting an uphill battle. I still have depression and get really bad when I have my manic episodes which become more frequent in the past few days. Is anyone else experiencing this? Or if you have, how did you survive? I Keep Putting Myself Back Here",Depression +17519,"Anything positive will do! I am very tempted to just give up. Ironically the trigger was posting on Reddit; but I have nowhere else. I have all I need to die. I was planning on it but I managed to get myself out of it, but again I have ended up back here. Probably my own fault, though was not helped by how negative most spaces online are. I want to die because there is no point. I have wanted to die for years, I have attempted plenty of times. I finally found a reason to live recently in that I am trans. That realisation gave me hope, but that is long faded. Its years on waiting lists, its the stress of fighting my corner all the time. Constant abuse online. No one in my life understands. I wake up and I see a man. An ugly pathetic man. It does not feel like me, and I have to go through the day colleagues, and strangers seeing me as a man. Dead naming me. All because nobody understands. The constant hate in the media, on social media, even at my university! Then I think is it even worth it? What if I do not pass, what if being a women is not enough? what is the gain from continuing to live? The only reason I am reaching out is i made the mistake of convincing myself I could cope. I wish Id never done that, wish Id given up long ago. I have written this in a rush at work, sorry if it makes no sense. I am used to people ignoring me.I know I am not worth the time. I have been told I am selfish and attention seeking. So that is probably all this is. Need help! Plan to die tonight.",Suicidal +17520,"This motherfucker has only been working here for 1 week. I tried to give him tips on how to work efficiently and to make future work easier for both him and others, but no. Hes incredibly arrogant and stubborn. Apparently hes been spreading rumors that I take 40 minutes breaks while I was on my off days. This fucking Piece of filth is going after my job. My fucking livelihood. What I use to pay my bills. Hes been here one week. Hes been getting into it with other workers too. But you are NOT GOING TO GO AFTER MY INCOME. I WILL NOT SIT QUIETLY AND LET SOME FUCKING NEWBIE RUIN MY LIFE. THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAS NO GOD DAMN CLUE WHAT I have BEEN THROUGH AT THIS PLACE. HOW HARD I FUCKING WORK AT THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE. Sorry. But I have been holding that in all day ever since I found out. Thankfully my supervisor knows how hard I work, and trusts me. All I try to do in one day is get to work, do a good job, and go home. Just leave me alone. do not talk to me. Just let me work. Stay out of my business. You do your work, Ill do mine. Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. I do not know what I am going to do. I cannot relax in my own home. Just knowing some shithole is already trying to get me fired after a week of work. Ill admit I was the nicest to the guy, but that was after he would not listen to me. After he would argue with me even though I know what I am doing. I lost my patience and started talking back to his passive aggressive comments. I have put to much work into this place to let some newbie talk to me like that. Again, sorry for the rant. I have not been in a good headspace ever since I started working here. I wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. Asswipe at work trying to get me fired.",Suicidal +17521,"I have been told that I should take anti-depressants, but they zombify me. I am already numb, what I need is to feel alive again. I am sick of waking up empty everyday. How do you deal with your depression?",Depression +17522,"Welp my girlfriend of 2 years just left me for my best friend I am not even mad she deserves it hes a nice guy i mean who would want to be with a emotionally unstable person like me anyway I am going to do some stuff i have always wanted to do skydiving, hiking, and scuba diving who knows maybe that will change my perspective but I am done with this shitty world atm. Sorry if i do not reply busy at work going to live these few weeks with a bang.",Suicidal +17523,"I have done so much work. I go to therapy weekly. I am on medication. I have added so much to my emotional toolbox. I have learned how to cope with extreme emotional pain and how to keep going even when the pain seems unmanageable. I have taken great strides in managing my emotions on my own instead of word vomiting to whoever will listen. And still. I just feel bad. Everything feels pointless. My therapist says I should just accept that I feel bad and not judge myself for feeling bad, but I am so tired of it. I am so tired, period. I do not know who I am, and I do not know what I care about. It kind of feels like I do not care about anything. This is a new depression feeling. I thought I knew how my depression manifested, but every time I think I have got a handle on it, it changes on me. Its not fair. I have done so. much. work. Every time I think I get a handle on my depression, it changes",Depression +17524,"My best friend who I vent to, today told me that the reason she barely ever opens her messaging apps is because she cannot deal with such depressing messages, my therapist has not helped my situation at all, none of my friends care about me, I hate my abusive family, I hate everyone, people always say ""everything is going to be fine, do not worry"", they are just lying bastards, at this point I trust no one.I attempt to distract myself from this cruel reality but I have ran out of entertaining things to distract me. No one cares about me, I feel like a background character, I want to kill myself",Suicidal +17525,"I failed my senior year and now I am 18 in summer school making no progress because I am so burned out and depressed. I have so much to do with nobody to help me and I have so little time to even do fun things. I do not have a learners permit or a license so I cannot even go anywhere to clear my mind. I want to just stop and kill myself already. I am to a point where I am bored of everything. I am gay, so I have never had a relationship as it feels impossible for me to even try without my license. I feel like a complete fucking train wreck. I am tired all the time, I am lonely, I just want to dropout of school and just fucking die in a hole. I do not know what to do. I am so lost, the one guy I thought liked me ghosts me now, and I am just thinking about how I wish I could disappear. I am tired. I am tired of stress, loneliness, and self hatred. I just want to live a life I enjoy but everything I do feels pointless. I cannot find reason to even try anymore.",Suicidal +17526,"There is too much work and energy on keeping my appearance up. It felt like somebody took that away from me and I helpless in the matter. Being stinky and smelly feels like I something I deserve. Especially around my armpits and genitalia, it just feels like its meant to be unclean and I am forced to keep it that way. Like I am not allowed to be clean at all. A part of me knows I have not kept myself clean in days, nor have I changed my clothes, but I just do not care. It is a cycle of guilt, there is no thinking about cleaning, its just getup and go. I do not plan on changing or taking a shower today. In fact, I will probably will not for a while, as it seems like something I do not deserve and its a redundant to me. I have not brushed my hair or teeth in five days",Depression +17527,"Honestly, I am typing this with the last bit of energy to live, i do not even care if i live or die at this point, tomorrow will be a great day, alone, calm and my last day alive. I want to leave a last message to everyone reading this: you are amazing and I hope you have a good life. Sorry for wasting your time to read this useless text and goodbye. No one will care if i die",Suicidal +17528,"I have a degenerative disorder called Myasthenia Gravis. It has progressed to the point where some days I cannot even lift my hands to style my hair. The disease is exacerbated by stress. I am a preschool teacher on summer break and during my entire summer my mom has been in and out of the hospital and almost died 3 times. I am her primary caregiver because I am the only female in the house. I physically do not have it in me to keep washing, dressing, wiping and feeding her. I also have to take care of her 96 year old father. When I tried to explain this to mom on before discharge, she said to shut up and stop talking to her. She cannot or will not acknowledge what is happening to my body and just takes it as I must not love her.I went home and contemplated suicide(thankfully I did not do it). But I spent the entire day terrified and just wanting SOMEONE in my family to do something like just sit with me. What ended up happening has crushed me. Mom ended up coming home from the hospital the same day as that fight. I was arguing with her saying that I did not feel loved at all anymore. My brother overheard and tried to intervene. He angrily said he will have to use his lunch break to come feed her and asked if I would help too and I said I cannot do all the things I did before. He got MAD. I explained that I cannot do them not because I am a jack ass but because of my medical condition and blurted out that I did not want to live anymore. He YELLED at me saying that I was trying to make it all about myself and my problems and told me to get away from him and go call a suicide hotline. Then he just started wailing and bawling saying he is the only healthy person in the family and cannot care for all of us. I spent the night comforting him (he ended up making it all about himself) when that was all I really needed. When I talked to my father about feeling suicidal, he just ignored me and talked about something else.School starts soon and I am in no shape physically or emotionally to go back. I finally see a doctor on Monday that will hopefully start treatment for my disease so I can get my strength back. However the emotional holes left behind from what happened are really hard to heal. My family made it VERY clear that I do NOT matter and NOBODY cares. I do not know how to move on from that. The only survival tactic I came up with was to pretend I am fine and continue to kill myself physically by taking care of everyone and ignoring my own health issues..like I always do. Because apparently that is the only way for the family to function. Any help or advice would be very appreciated. I am at the end of my rope. Nobody Cares",Depression +17529,"I have been treated for depression for a few years now. I expressed concerns about fatigue and brain fog to my primary care and she brought up depression. She also ran a thyroid panel because that seems like everyone is favorite test. That was normal and I was declining so I made an appointment with behavioral health. First it was Zoloft even though the doctor said you have had a pretty charmed life, why are you depressed which made me feel awful for going there for help. He was retiring soon though and I was given a new provider. She added Wellbutrin because I had no energy or motivation. Then I started having episodes of heart palpitations/tachycardia especially when I laid down to sleep. I did not feel anxious but I was told it was anxiety and was given a low dose of propranolol as needed. Then vyvanse was added because my focus and energy were still horrendous. So now I am on 4 different meds, still have no energy and no focus. I have had a formal add diagnosis since undergrad. I completed a graduate degree in a stem field. But now I cannot focus on much less technical work for my job. I know this is not just add. I cannot even focus on watching tv. Thank god my blood pressure was a bit high or the psych provider would have just increased the dose of vyvanse at my last appointment to try to fix my concentration issues. So this week I had my annual appointment with my primary care doctor so she will prescribe my birth control for the next year. Instead of just complaining about the fatigue, random joint pain, and heart palpitations I straight up asked for lab tests. Of course she repeated the thyroid panel but also added Lyme, antinuclear antibodies, iron, ferritin, vitamin d, and standard CBC, lipid studies, etc. Thank god the tests for Lyme and autoimmune diseases came back negative. But guess what my iron and ferritin were very low. Every value on the iron panel was abnormal which I am pretty sure indicates this has been going on for a while. That can because depression, palpitations, and of course extreme fatigue. My vitamin D was also low which causes depression, fatigue, and explains the random migratory bone and joint pain. I am so frustrated that this was not explored two years ago by my primary care doctor or by the psych doctors before throwing so many meds at me. I am also mad at myself for not demanding it. But even as someone that works in the medical field and is familiar and comfortable with the environment I still have a hard time standing up to physicians or telling them how to do their job.I am not saying that I do not have depression. I am almost certain I do. But I also have deficiencies that are making my symptoms so much worse and making the medications they are prescribing ineffective. And nobody ordered basic lab work to investigate why nothing was working until I asked them to. Its so frustrating knowing I have felt horrible for a couple of years now and I could have easily fixed it. If any of this sounds like you please ask for the lab tests. Its worth finding out if you have any underlying conditions contributing to your depression so you can be treated properly. Why is an extensive panel of labs not the first step before medication? Kind of a rant",Depression +17530,I find depression music makes me feel good and cope.Anyone else. ? Depressing music is my coping strategie.,Depression +17531,"And I cannot fix it... I am afraid I will be sent to the mental institution. I do not deserve this suffering, I deserve a normal life. I just do not know what to do anymore... I should be enjoying my life but I cannot. I do not understand what is wrong with my brain. My brain is broken",Depression +17532,I find songs that are to do with depression make me feel good and help me cope.Anyone else ? Depressing music are my coping strategie.,Depression +17533,"i just drinked a bottle of cologne (I did not die,in hospital :/)",Depression +17534,"I have to deal with chronic pain and sometimes I use drugs for pain relief. I am already sad I have chronic pain but after I get high and come down I feel flat, emotionless and it is just an uncomfortable numbness. I have been valuing my sobriety lately, the antidepressants seem to help with that. I can quit drugs but I would have to find other ways to cope with chronic pain. I have been taking the middle road and just smoking weed about twice a week, drinking lots of coffee daily, and finding other ways to cope with pain. Looking forward to getting high and alleviating pain and depression for a day gives me a goal and a reward but now it is increased the uncomfortable numbness. Now I am just drinking coffee to avoid caffeine withdrawals and it does not boost my mood like it used to. I just want a healthy relationship with drugs, I need something better than abstinence or addiction and I just have not found it yet. Life seems to be telling me it is one or the other. Things can spiral when I live in a delicate equilibrium",Depression +17535,Is there somebody to talk to please I do not know if I can do it anymore. Help please,Suicidal +17536,Help! I do not know what to do. Every day is the same. Because I literally do not have the energy to do anything let alone think. I am so bored. Anything is boring. Watching a movie? Boring. Video games? Boring. Useless small talk? Boring. Oh an actual party? Everyone is having fun but I am just too drained to even bother. I sit there bored. I do not want to be like this anymore. A UFO could literally fly over me and I would still be bored. Wth is wrong with me? :c Constantly bored,Depression +17537,I have been suffering from depression for a few years now and it caused me to be suicidal and unable to control my emotions well so I tend to lash out. My mom thinks I should go to a psychiatric ward. I am losing hope and I cannot take it anymore. Does the psychiatric ward really help? Should I go? Has anyone here been to a psychiatric ward? How was it?,Suicidal +17538,"first off if you want to kill yourself do not phone the hotline, just do not. i regret it so much. i was planning on killing myself tommorow, i was excited, it was something to look forward to honestly. i felt morally obligated to at least try the hotline. uh bad idea, first of all the people do not even say anything meaningful, they are not someone to talk to, they are someone that gets paid to prevent suicide. i thought maybe they would give me a reason to live? but no they sent police to my house, and now my parents know I am suicidal, and my mom was bawling, and it was just horrible. my dads taking me to hospital to see a doctor tommorow, the day i was suppose to be home alone, doing the things i love to do one last time before ending my life gracefully. tricked by the suicide hotline",Suicidal +17539,"I overdosed in March, and I was really close to die. But I panicked and called the ambulance before passing out. I regret calling it. I was in a coma for a week and it was so peaceful, apart from the weird dreams. I should not have called the ambulance",Suicidal +17540,"Hey guys, I am (f14) and I have been suicidal for the last few years. I recall trying to hang myself via pet leash and door handle a few years back, sadly I am yet to succeed even though I have tried many methods. I actually swallowed 40 p*lls late last year but ended up throwing them up the next day. I am still triggered heavily by the word and get anxiety ticks when I think about swallowing them or smelling that smell they have. Though it was a terrible experience I do not regret trying. I actually plan to jump in front of a train or a tall building at the end of this year. I feel no remorse or sadness for the people I am leaving behind. Why should they get to be sad when I finally am happy for once. They should be happy for me, or even better, they should pretend that I never existed. Me and my friends are fairly open about wanting to die, but that makes it harder. For example when you say that you want to kill yourself, they reply lol same ,because we have gone through so much trauma in our lives, we are all just desensitised to suicide. My mum also works in mental health so I feel like I cannot get help.Being kidnapped and murdered sounds like a better option than living.To be honest I am happy that I am probably going to die, I will not be stuck here anymore and I can be free.Wish me luck please<3 I have a good family, wonderful gf, great friends but I still want to kill my self",Suicidal +17541,"I told my mom about my ear problem. I have this problem where I would listen to songs in the highest volume, I broke plenty of earphones. I just will not stop. It came to the point that my hearing is slowly decreasing and I would get really really dizzy sometimes but this time my speaker broke so I went back to putting my phone really near my ear and would walk in circles to listen to music and ofcourse it damages it but it is really hard to stop.My life is shit and just a mess. I live in my imaginations and I could only fully feel it when there is music playing. Low volume will not cut it.I am just so sad, everybody in the shows I watch are just going through this exciting adventures and I cannot do anything because of quarantine and because of the limits my family has built around me.I want to stop but I am scared because I know I will not be happy and I will be alone. it will trigger my depression and I will panic and cry. I am starting to slowly change my ways but I guess I just also feel disappointed in myself because I talked about no more regrets and getting myself back together and yet here I am. Ruining my ears for a fantasy. All this weight that my parents keeps throwing at me and this regrets of the past and all those mistakes that matter and do not matter. they are all just killing me. Music is my escape, it takes me to many amazing worlds and I am much more braver and cooler there.I just want to be free and happy. My self damage",Depression +17542,"I really have no choice but to kill myself now. there is no coming back from this, I am such a miserable failure on a fundamental level. I spent so much energy resisting the temptation for all these years, only to fuck it up and throw my life away for nothing. I let my curiosity get the better of me and downloaded grindr, and I do not know what I was thinking. I knew it was wrong, but I let myself get carried away.there is no way to undo this; I will always be someone who is had gay sex. Nothing can help me now. I cannot even try fix myself because my country is banning conversion therapy (not that I would have high hopes for it working anyway). No one I know even gets it, they all believe that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Maybe they are right, but that does not mean I want to be like this. I cannot be this kind of person and be happy. I will never be able to feel self-respect again. I should have just killed myself 15 years ago when I first started having homosexual urges. I had sex with another man, and now I have to kill myself",Suicidal +17543,Just a doubt.. what is the most painless way to die,Suicidal +17544,"I am back to this sub after two years of joy. More hopeless than before. Contrary to the advice I have given, the suffering never ends. Once again, my empathy will not shut the fuck up and let me go out peacefully. Its always the burden Ill put on my family for it rather than what I want. two years of peace",Suicidal +17545,"I am barely holding on and nobody has noticed, I have been sad everyday and my anxiety just grows other times I feel numb or calm. A lot has happened the past couple of days, its hard to process.. everyday I wake up and this feels like a literal nightmare. I also do not know if I can trust anymore, I just feel so sad and I want to end it all. there is no hope left, I do not see a future, I do not see all the great things others see, I just see more trouble, obstacles up ahead, I have been through so much already and I do not want to go through more. My city has been in shambles and under attack because of looting and violence, buildings have been burnt to the ground and now that things are a bit quiet they want to rebuild. The residents would patrol everyday and night, taking turns but they issued a statement that they have done their job and they will not be patrolling anymore which makes me anxious and afraid, I feel as if they are letting their guard down way too early :( those looters want to come destroy our homes and lives too. I do not have a good feeling about this, how can anyone feels safe after this? This life is already unbearable, I do not feel good being alive anymore there is nothing for me here.. I want to leave bed for I suffer more.. its scary, I cannot explain this to people. I feel sick to my stomach. Its only a matter of time before they get us. I have lost my appetite and my will to live.",Depression +17546,"Empty nights. Hollow mornings. I lean up from my cushion throne. My eyes encrusted with the jewels of insomnia. A crown of shaggy hair sits sullenly on tired thoughts. Thoughts I searched for air. Hazily, my legs take a stand. I lean for balance, my body clashing against the sheer will of wanting to stay in yesterday. My hesitation to leave my bejewelled cuffs is met with ironclad stares from the window blinds. I can see the glacial air that permeates from the tiles in front. Its a pearly snow fog no higher than the bottle in my future. Slowly, I topple backward, stumbling on my unthought words and missed calls. I am back to square one. Living by the hour. And now I am the hell I tried to escape. Mind dump",Depression +17547,"I am 20 i have bipolar anxiety and depression, i never leave the house barely my room, i have no goals or skills that I am good enough to make anything of myself, i can play games on my pc all day but I am not good enough to make anything out of that in terms of streaming or esports, i have no interests in anything or aspirations, i feel like a loser who does not belong here. i do nothing i have nothing going for me and no goals, life is dull and pointless",Depression +17548,I just cannot shake her and it just leads to me getting hurt again and again and getting myself to the point where I want to end myself. I just wish I was okay again I just want to get over her abd be happy,Depression +17549,"So, yesterday I had a car accident, It was definitely my fault, I am on clonazepam but I am not sure if that could be the reason why I did not ser the car comming, I lost around $600 that were for the floor of my house that is broken, I do not know how to stop feeling like crap, I have been driving since 8 years and this is the first time I hace an accident, I feel useless, irresponsible, incapable of just be normalI hate this depression Feeling like crap",Depression +17550,"I want to share my story, and ask for help. Who am I? I am 28 years old, I am jobless, I am depressed and i suffer from PTSD. I grew up in a small town, with beautiful nature surrounding my house. Mountains and water. You know those pictures you see of places and you think ''wow'', and you imagine just hope peaceful you would feel if you were there? Well, it is that type of place. And I see the beauty. The problem is, I cannot feel it. You see, whenever I am home, all I feel is the need to get away. I was 7 when the sexual abuse ended. My older sister told my mom about my father sexually abusing her, and so she asked me if my father ever was cozy with me. Like, cozy in a way she was not. And I started crying, saying yes. I told her everything, about shower-time with him. About what would happen if she was not there. My mother had been seeing signs of weird behaviour as well from my father. he would sometimes bring gifts from the store, and after alone time with him, I would get cool new toys, while my brother would get nothing. Like he was buying my silence about the abuse. My mother would then proceed to call the cops on my father, eventually having them come get him out the house. Now I want to say that is where it all ended, I really wish I could, but unfortunately that is not the case. The sexual abuse did end there, because we were never alone with him again. But the immense psychological terror did not end. In some ways, it got worse. In a small place like where I grew up, people know everyone. So a kind of social warefare started, where my father would go around telling everyone just how innocent he was. he would literally go to our neighbours, and would try to convince them to go against us. Now my father was a talkative guy. A guy that could speak for himself, and manipulate as he saw fit. Luckily, I have never experienced people going against me. Like, saying they did not believe me. But then again, I have never had anyone tell me they DID believe me either. Except my family and closest friends. I guess it is a subject people do not want to get into. But the doubt, the feeling of ''what if''. What if people do not believe me? And the system did not. I guess it is hard to prove sexual abuse. it is very often words against words. And I get why. it is just that.. The feeling of not being heard, or seen. It does something to a person. After the news had came out, and my father was brought out of the house by police, he would move into a cabin close to our house. During this all, in an attempt to convinve people of his innocence, he would demand to see us, like a normal father would, i guess. And he would have support from court, basically forcing my mother to allow him to see us. So she would have to bring me to the cabin where he was living. This only happened once, as I would start crying, kicking and screaming. I really did not want to be alone with him. This only needed to happen once, because my mother would then proceed to take me back home. My father did not stop there. He only cared about himself, and how he looked to the community around us. he would keep demanding to see me. Eventually, he would get what he wanted. But we had one condition, we had another, grown person with us. Someone neutral. The court saw this as fair, but the person that was decided to be there with us, was a friend of my father. Taking his side in it all. she would leave me alone with him. After coming back home to my mother, I would tell her about this. And a new person was chosen to be there with us. Again, a friend of my father. Some time would go, and he would leave us alone, too. This had been going on for years, but here the meetings with my father ended. No more. Enough was enough. The feeling of having to be there, just to please him and to make it seem like he was innocent on the outside. I cannot express the anxiety and the fear I had being there. Even with another person. The meeings ended when I was 13, but he kept living close to us. I remember going to school and he would show up at the store during lunch hours. he would show up unannounced, and in front of all my friends he would hand me money. Like he was the good guy. He wanted my friends to see. ''he is so nice! Shows up and gives you money like that? Wow, i wish my father would do that''. I remember my heart jumping EVERY single time I saw him. Like, i was genuinely afraid of this person. The anxiety, jesus christ. This would also go on for years, until i was 15 and i moved away to study. I think this is where i realised just how much i was struggling psychologically. I would start drinking, having suicidal thoughts, rarely showing up to school, have problems socially and so on. I would make few friends, and I remember having the feeling of people thinking I was weird. I lived away for half a year, when i was kicked out of school for not showing up. I had to move back. I was sure I would end my life at this point. I felt empety, like a failure. And I had to live close to my father again. At this point, my mother would force me to go to the doctors so i could get some help. I did go, but I got no help. Got no one to talk to. And then i started hurting myself. I think to begin with, it was a cry for help. Like, you cannot see how much pain I am in, unless it shows on the outside. Then I got addicted to it. It felt so good after. Like a cleansing in some way. But it was all just pushing the problems further away, and i realised that, so eventually i stopped. Now I am 28, i still have not gotten any help despite asking multiple times. I have been to a psychologist, but having to pay from my own pocked, I could not afford it in the long run. I do not trust people, and maybe especially men. I have got social anxiety, I suffer from depression, I am pretty sure I got PTSD. I am to sick to work. I have tried, but it always ends the same way, with me being a nerve-wreck, psychologically exausted. I hate it. I wish i was normal. I wish I could be like the people I would go to class with. They got families, a home, a car, cabin etc. they have got a life for themselves. I want that, too. I cannot even afford getting my drivers licence. I cannot afford help for my problems. I need help. Can someone please help me? My story and cry for help",Suicidal +17551,"Today is finally the day. I am not having fun playing video games anymore. it is been the only thing left, which brought me at least a bit of joy. Depression already took my creativity and joy of making music. But here I am now. Depression finally managed to take the least bit of joy.",Depression +17552,"I have made a diary for my battling of the void within me. Please check it out, as I could use support and fellow peers as a community.[crossing the bridge]( 36 yo alcoholic needing support",Depression +17553,"I have been on anti depressants for the anxiety benefits because I have constant heart palpitations when I was not on them, apperantly from anxiety.I am on metfromin for my diabetes and I am in trulicity, an injection. I found out without insurance the injections are 900 dollars for a 4 week supply. I pay 27 dollars.I finally can afford therapy too. I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now.But every day I have to work my job, the attacks are coming back no matter what I change my depression meds to or higher dosages. I have been thinking of suicide, so much I have started fantasizing and plotting it.I have started making plans of getting rid of my cats and my things. So it is all taken care of ect ect.But... I do not have to die. I could quit. I could find another job. One that... does not give me amazing benifits... and I cannot have all of the medical help I have now...But what if I found one that did not make me want to die?I have been holding on because I think the medications might be the only thing stopping me from ending it. Without them, I worry I cannot do it. I... am wondering how hard my life would be if I quit my job.",Depression +17554,"I hate when anyone interferes with my life, and today my husbands family decided to send us a wedding anneversary cake. I cannot believe this upset me. I do not recognise myself. I feel like an anneversary should be something personal between the people who got married. I hate when people spend money on me. I hate surprises too. Any knocks on the door, any unnecessary noise in the house and any gossip about anyone else is so irritating. I realise how petty and spoilt I am coming across but I cannot help feel differently about this now.Does anyone else feel irritated by everything, especially things that are supposed to make you happy? Everything is irritating - including people sending me gifts.",Depression +17555,"I have created a diary for myself, need a community as I can not go this alone. I need help, please.[crossing the bridge]( 36 yo alcoholic needing help",Suicidal +17556,"You know that feeling of going ""insane"" ?it is a hard feeling to describe , but I will do my best.it is losing the ability to think clearly. it is all just chaos. No real thoughts anymore.it is looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing your eyes are not what they used to be.it is doing weird things that you cannot explain why you are doing them. Nightmares , or no dreams at all.Impulsively hurting yourself (not hurting myself serious , things like slapping myself over and over or biting myself etc without thinking about it)&#x200B;Sometimes there is a good day , but they have been becoming rarer and rarer. At best a good couple of hours.I have been dealing with mental illness for close to 10 years now , and I am only 19I find it hard to believe that I will find my way , or that it will ""change"" when I am older.I am held on a leash by all these issues I have got , and the list keeps growing.I have been looking into legal euthanasia a while ago , read up on some stories of people my age asking for the same (usually denied so they end up committing suicide)I am not ready to die yet but i cannot see myself going much further then 30.I wish i could be a kid again. I was social , smart and without a worry in the world.Nothing seriously traumatic even happened to me. But one side of my family is riddled with mental disease. I guess I am just another victim. I would not be the first to end it on my own terms. Not yet .. but maybe soon. have not left the house in about 6 months. Reaching my breaking point.",Depression +17557,"Hi, my gf has suffered with really bad depression, anxiety and a whole lot of other things, really really mentally ill, she is 16 and I am 17, I have literally done everything in my power to help her, she was getting therapy but then shitty cahms came into the scene and fucked everything over saying she has middle child syndrome, like that is an internet term and they are hardly qualified to do their job, this has out her off therapy and she does not want to go to therapy anymore and scared that this is it, this is her tipping point, she is fully given up and has for a while, is there anything I can do to help her bc I am totally lost and I do not know what else me and her family can do for her? Hi I am lost an I do not know what I can do to help, I have done and tried everything I can possibly do",Depression +17558,From a cliff into the sea.Thank you. What are the chances of surviving a 56 meter fall?,Suicidal +17559,"I am a normal guy, where I live finding a job is super hard, and the ones that hire will not hire me, and i try to do my best at streaming or finding online jobs.Even when I spent most of my day trying to help my mom, is too little for her, even when I try to clean the entire house, it is little for her, i have ADHD and sometimes I forget stuff and get tired easily , and she tells me what I should do for the day, and i do all in the morning so I do not forget anything.She waters her plants so I thought she would not need me to water them again, it seems that my mind reading skills are to weak to know without she saying anything. Because of me not knowing it she just told me to hang myself. I honestly feel like dying since my friend committed suicide last December and i cannot forget how nice he was, i wish I had a better life My mom told me to hang myself",Depression +17560,He just randomly stopped listening toe amd i aleays feel a sense of betrayal when i try to make new friends The reason I am depressed is bc my best friend betrayed me amd he wad my only and first feiend he does not even talk or listen to me anymore,Depression +17561,please please help I need advice. I need a career or decent job I am 24 I live in europe I do not have a degreeI need work please help I am scared I am gonn kill myself please help I am scared I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +17562,"i do not fucking know what to do anymore. I am trapped. I have just been sat here sobbing for over an hour. i need help and nobodys giving it. my parents tell me how horrible i am, how I am just a manipulative piece of shit burden that deserves everything i get. i do not want to hurt people. but i do. i should just fucking do it. please",Suicidal +17563,"I am in about 2 years worth of average wage in debt, and actively having suicidal thoughts.I have been addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, nicotine, you name it. All of which I have been able to overcome.Up until recently my daily suicidal thoughts were not like ""I am actually going to kill myself"", it is more of a ""I do not see any other option"" and ""what if"", basically thinking OF suicide but not actually doing it, if that makes any sense.I am not sure why I was leaving this part out like I do with everyone in real life, it is anonymous after all.Basically my debt is caused due to a crippling gambling addiction. Been addicted since 15 years old, I am 20 now. I just got a tattoo, which I can not pay for now, which is the main catalyst to the real suicidal thoughts. There is no way I can get the money right now, and I am dreading the moment he calls me.Every time i think of suicide I am thinking of my family and friends, I can not imagine the impact it would have on my parents, always makes me end up crying. At times I think so what, I will be dead so I cannot be sad about other people being sad right? But my whole life I have lived under the simple principle of others above myself. I will always put the happiness of others ahead of my own. So in the end I do not see myself being able to pull through.Not even sure why I am typing this here, I am not expecting any sympathy or help (since we have all heard that life is worth it, do not stress over money, think of your close ones etc), I guess I just needed a place to vent.I do not think I am doing as bad as some people on this sub. I do think of suicide but my life is not all that bad in the grand scheme of things, i just do not have anything that makes me happy, but i do not have anything that makes me mad, feel unfair, or even sad (except when thinking of my family), which is a positive I suppose.Weird thing is, whenever i think of suicide, I am thinking of clever ways to make it not look like suicide. Like natural occurance, freak accident, etc.P.S.My heart is quite fragile, so the method i thought of was simply putting a bit more pressure on it with simple stimulants. But again, its just a thought I am not planning on it. Suicidal due to debt among other reasons",Suicidal +17564,"they mean so much to me. i would be dead without them. i remember giving my cat a last kiss before i was gone, but i noticed she was pregnet. it was hope. i remember the exact date and time they were born. i remember watching them coming into this world. i cannot live without them. they are my babies. they are my life. my world. my only hope. i love you mononeko, onix and spark. you are my shining stars. you are my light in this horrible, dark world. if you guys died it would be over for me. i could not live. i could not live with myself knowing i let my babies die. I have always wanted children, this is the closest I am going to get to that. my words cannot explain how much i love you. you are, just, awesome. your the only reason i feel happy. its diffrent. diffrent then the despair I have always felt for the past.. idk, 10 years? i love you so much. my kittens are the only thing keeping me alive",Suicidal +17565,"honestly reaching the end of my goals in life is mildly positive, but so likely dissatisfied in my future or family, the drip always stops right? I hope. its been a lot.",Suicidal +17566,"Hi, I am F29. I do not know where to begin and how to describe my situation. My brain is a bit foggy and the whole text will be a mess, but i hope you bear with me. Today I finally faced my fears and decided to seek help for anxiety, depression and work related burn out. I am absolutely terrified and i wish to get some kind of support. I feel like i am a failure, weak person or somehow just bad. I am scared of how my work community will react to me probably taking a few months of sick leave because i cannot handle the pressure and stress anymore. I am scared of getting a stigma of being lazy or untrustworthy. I am scared i will never be trusted again. I feel disappointed in myself. I feel like I am unfit for the society and somehow i will never be able to live a normal life.I have been more or less depressed for the past 2 years. I have a history with depression, eating disorders and anxiety as long as i can remember (long story short, i grew up in a very toxic family and because of that i cut all ties to my mother 10 years ago). In my life there has been multiple crisis that has affected me, but this time it was actually different than before (past crisis were due to abusive people around / toxic relationships.)&#x200B;What lead me here this time: It all pretty much started when I started my studies in uni. I had to move 300 km away from my significant other and all my closest friends. I left everything i knew behind and stepped into the unknown. It was mentally exhausting. Somehow i survived the first 2 years of uni but i reached a breaking point during the 3rd year. I decided to take 1,5 years worth of courses in 6 months just so that i will graduate faster and get home faster. It all backfired on me and i just burned out completely. I just left my studies and moved back home, decided to put uni on hold and wait to get better. That was 2 years ago and i have not been able to even think about my studies ever since.I study economics and business administration and I had already agreed for a summer job in business finances before I actually moved back home. So the plan was to rest for a few months and just go to work for a few months and see how i feel about studying after the summer. I was doing extremely well with my job and they decided to give me a permanent position. I took it because 1. i really needed the money and 2. i felt like i was not ready to return to my studies.This is where it all started going wrong. First mentally exhausting thing that really hit me hard was sexual harassment from my coworker. One night he got really drunk at a company party and was just really all over me. I froze completely. He said the most nasty, vile things to me and I just stood there, not knowing what to do (i was not drunk). The whole event is something i still cannot even think about. The person makes me sick and I just feel sick and I feel like i physically can not go back to that night in my head. I could have reported him (he had a history of sexual harassment reports) but i felt like it was my fault. I started to suffer from panic attacks before work, i felt guilty about it. I felt dirty and unworthy. He continued to harass me even when he was sober. And every day at work i just pretended nothing ever happened, while i felt completely broken on the inside. After some months, i decided i need to leave that environment and i applied for a new job within the same organization. I never really told anyone what happened or dealt with it, i just pushed the whole thing aside in my head and decided to move on. I got the job i applied for and it was actually something really interesting. 200% better than what i had before. I thought it will be the beginning of something good, for the first time in my life i actually had a job that i enjoyed, that i was actually really damn good at and that felt ""right"" every day. Looking back at it, i feel like eventhough all of this is true, i was not really ready to take on new challenges and the previous events were still at the back of my head like an open wound.The new department i joined is relatively new and tbh, nobody knew shit there. The amount of people working in that department went from 15 (when i started) to 60 within 1 year. It was, and still is, blatantly obvious that I was one of the most professional and capable person there. So they started to give me the most difficult projects. They put me in charge of developing new processes and basically teaching all the new people what to do and how to do it. I loved the topic so i never said no. The shit just kept piling and piling. More things to do, more projects, more this, more that. I told my supervisor it is getting out of control. That I am drowning. I do not have enough time in my day to do all of this. He is a cool dude so he decided to give me a promotion and a team of 5 people so i can give them some of the stuff. The problem is, these 6 people that are now in my team are new workers, and the stuff i do requires a lot of knowledge on the topic. So now i am basically teaching them everything i know AND doing all the stuff i was doing before AND all the new stuff that keeps coming weekly.I have not slept since November. I do not go out. I do not answer when my phone rings and my friends call, because i feel like i am just too tired to even talk. I do not want to see anyone. I am angry, frustrated. All the stuff that i kept inside my head is now coming out. I have not had my period in 8 months. I gained 7 kg in half a year because i am too tired to cook food so i just order unhealthy food at home. Yesterday i had a complete melt down at work due to the frustration of not being able to read an email, because i cannot focus on anything anymore. I did not sleep all night and woke up just crying hysterically. I finally went and saw a doctor today and the diagnosis is anxiety, depression and burn out. I am seeing another one next week as well as a psychologist. it is going to be a long sick leave by the looks of it. By nature i am a perfectionist, over achiever, I set my goals super high and my standards for my work even higher. I do not know who I am trying to impress, or if I am just trying to prove my self worth by being a super human. But i feel like i disappointed myself and everyone around me. I feel like I am being unfair towards others if i take time off. I am scared shitless of being seen as weak by everyone around me. And i am so angry because i did not meet my own expectations. This is my first day of sick leave and i am already terrified of going back to work and seeing everyone. I do not know how to handle my fears, the anger, the sadness and being so god damn tired that even emptying the dish washer sounds like too difficult of a task to complete. Today i decided to seek help and it scares me",Depression +17567,"So I just had a mental breakdown, after a lot of stress and pain. I know this will not last but I feel much better Having a mental breakdown really helps sometimes.",Depression +17568,"If little old me suddenly disappears, it will not change much, will it? I am just one other kid who is being pushed through an education system that romanticizes the untold oppression of the capitalist society. I am just one more employee at Dunkin Donuts that takes your macchiato order, day in, day out; just another mindless machine who has succumbed to the apathetic workforce of industrialized capitalism. You know that coffee I just gave? The hundreds of coffee I gave to people over just a 4 hour shift? I only get a few cents from that, all because some person HAPPENED to be the one who had the money to buy off my life. Oh, but if I stay in there for the next 50ish years, Ill get some retirement benefits. Grow up, Mrs. CEO. You just want people to sign away their time to work for your business, so they can just turn around and give all that money to a college in order to earn a degree that has increasing less value in modern society. Then I go and work for a company, at a higher paying job, that takes all my investments into education and claims my work as theirs, so they may slowly pay back the debts I have over the next thirty years, all the while throwing the pretty carrot of retirement in my face. But then I finally eat it, and I realize that even the garden-fresh carrot was the product of a private, oppressive organization the healthcare system. Because, as it so turns out, I was not given the proper preventative medicine in order to combat against the underlying heart issues in my family, so I end up having a heart attack that will leave me debilitated for the rest of my second half of my life which also costs 10,000 grand, by the way, which will climb the corporate ladder of the healthcare system to lay at the polished feet of the corporate elite, 80 percent intact. Why? Why live in such a world. Why decide to face that, family difficulties, and medical depression that was not even talked about before I had the devil staring at me through the crimson-painted mirror of a kitchen knife? Why? it will get better, they say. it will change they say. Really? Then why did you hesitate after I just explained the oppressive world you live in? And you know what the worst part is? I am a white male. I have got it exponentially better than almost anyone else. Which is sad, and utterly despicable. I do not know if I bring anything to this world",Depression +17569,So 10 months ago I (f23) moved to Germany because of my husband. And 3 months ago I got my B1 of German so I can apply for jobs here. I have 2 degrees and speak 6 languages but I just cannot find a job. Getting rejection letters is so depressing I am constantly sad and idk what to do anymore. Being unemployed is making my depression so much worse,Depression +17570,I was very happy recently but I was hesitant on whether it was worth it or not. But I know the answer now. And I have never actually seriously thought Id kill myself but now I am convinced its how I am supposed to die. I have no idea how to do it and I am scared it will hurt but Ill find a way. I wished people listened to me more when I told them I hurt instead of rolling their eyes and calling me a burden but whatever. I know they will feel guilty but I am not responsible for their feelings anymore. I am going to do it.,Suicidal +17571,I need advice I am trying to find things to do but i cannot I have all the signs of depression and I am 12 any advice i just cannot cry anymore also,Depression +17572,"I stopped doing the whole therapy thing. Deleted their numbers from my phone. Its been several months and I am fine.Its bullshit. Its a condition made up by therapists so that their budgets will go up, so that they actually get jobs.Depression and other mental health conditions are real though, but are probably much rarer than we think. I know suffering is relative as well, but I hate how therapists are telling everyone who is sad that they have depression. I cured my depression",Depression +17573,"Despite having a lot of talent in music, comedy and languages, no one cares about me and doubts me whenever I bring it up. My class is full of selfish arrogant wankers who talk shit behind my back. Girls seem to avoid me like the fucking plague. I have already switched schools due to bullying but my new class is shit as well. WheneverI say something they tell me to fuck off. If I ever complain about someone being annoying I get punched in the face. I hate my fucking life and the cunts that live in it. I am just sad",Suicidal +17574,"My girlfriend is extremely depressed and has mood swings. She gets angry really easy and says mean things to hurt me. On top of all this, I love her a lot and wants to support her when she is going through a bad time. Almost every 2 days she hangs to some sentence I said and aims mean stuff at me. She threatens she will leave me and assumes stuff which I never thought of. I have been a loner all my life and she is the only one I have ever loved and understood me. The thought of her not loving me or leaving me makes me want to die and she knows that. I am ashamed to say that I cry and beg her apologies for mistakes I never did. I accept that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes. But for every fight she brings up all the past mistakes I did and ridicules me. She makes me feel small and ashamed of myself. There was a guy she used to flirt with whom I had a problem. Everytime we fight she brings up how I had created problems with that guy and how she sacrificed her friend for me. For fights which are not even similar to that, she brings up how she does not talk to that guy anymore for me. It is very heartbreaking and sad. We work together and recently she got another offer in another city which we mutually agreed she would not take up as we will be away from each other. This was agreed upon by both of us and no way did I force her. Today we had a small fight which led to her making me cry and beg apologies. She was saying all day that she would take up that offer and move away. I am ashamed and heeartbroken. I am on the verge of suicide as I am alone and I have noone but her. My girlfriend may drive me to suicide. Help me please.",Suicidal +17575,"I have been crying in bed for like the past 3 hours listening to Phoebe Bridgers bc depression wanted to hit me like a fucking truck this morning and ruin my day. I have been struggling with a lot recently, eating disorders, self harm, depression, trauma, and so on. This fucking sucks. I just want to be able to function. I want to be able to shower and wash my hair every goddamn day instead of getting stuck in bed because everythings meaningless. And I want to be able to shower in general without having to use it as an opportunity to cry without worrying about being heard. I want to be able to eat without feeling like a failure. I want to feel like I am worth something. I do not want to have to ward off temptations to self harm every single fucking time something goes wrong. I want to stop disappearing and ghosting all of my friends for weeks because I feel like they deserve someone better than me. And I want to stop thinking about all the bullshit I have been through and blaming myself. I am just so tired of this. I do not want to feel like this anymore, but I do not know how. I have been in and out of therapy for years and its never helped, I have been on an array of meds and its never helped, hell I have even tried my hand at self medicating with some not so great things, and I think it goes without saying that that did not work either. I just feel so fucking hopeless and like this is going to be a daily struggle for the rest of my life and I do not want it. I fucking hate feeling like this",Depression +17576,"Trigger warning: possible sexual abuse Last year I was having dreams and thoughts that I molested my little sister. When I was around 5/6 yo a boy the same age as me made me rub my p3nis against his and kissed me with tongues. Was this abuse? Or is it normal sexual development? Also I remember kissing my little sister on the mouth and calling her my gf when I was around the same age. (5/6, she was around 3/4)I also remember lying next to her on the bed when we both had no clothes on. Around the same age. I did not touch her and it was only these two incidents (that I can remember anyway). Are these things normal or are the abuse? Should I feel bad about it? Is it just my depression / anxiety trying to convince me that something I did was worse than it actually was? I feel like a monster sometimes and other times I feel like its admissible because I was a kid? Idk just very confused about the whole situation Have I done anything wrong?",Depression +17577,"and l am not your friendly next-door neighbour.I am your toxic ex and like it or notyou really cannot go NO Contact with me. \*Satanic laughter\*Many people mistake me for sadness and crying. They do not know I am much more than that. Silly people!I have many more qualitiesfifty shades of depression, if you may.I come and go in waves. Sorry for the breadcrumbing.I can be exhausting. If I am in your life, I will tire you out. Some of you will hide me wellsome of you will not. I am a needy dog who will require your constant attention. And did I mention that I have the means to control your anger swtich? I can make you snap away at your pet, parents, significant others, friends and strangers. Really, I can. Try me.I will make you snap at the alarm clock that did not snooze, at the coffee that was not booze and at thi helplessness you did not choose. Sometimes when I am in an exrtra naughty mood, I will give you a few gifts headache for straters, what else? Nausea, tensed muscles, numbness, sleeplessness/excess sleep, pain and cramps ;)But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Although, I cannot be tamed, I can be trained. The ball is not always in my court! Hello lovelies, I am Depression",Depression +17578,"I am in such a bad place right now. I cannot stand when people tell me to go for a walk or whatever to de-stress. I can do that. I can go on a 30 minute walk. But I will come back in the same fucking place I was. I will STILL be angry/sad I will still feel alone I will still want to fucking die but Ill just be sweaty from wasting my time walking around. I cannot turn my brain off on the fucking walk. If anything Ill be stewing over whatever is making me sad/angry and come back even more emotional. I cannot turn my fucking brain off. I can do all the stress relieving exercises but it does not fucking work, the entire time my BRAIN IS STILL ON I STILL AM FEELING THESE EMOTIONS EXCEPT NOW I am ON A WALK OR BREATHING IN THROUGH MY NOSE AND EXHALING FROM MY MOUTH OR COUNTING TO FUCKING 10. I do not FUCKING GET IT. How does going for a walk turn off your brain?",Depression +17579,"I am writing this while drinking a bottle of wine while crying and as the title says, i think I have instantly hit rock bottom, i thought i could not get any lower, when you try to come out about my depression here i am. I am planning on killing myself soon but i just felt i needed to put this.I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts, the notion of wanting to not have been born feels natural. I think it started when i was 4 and getting beat and locked up in a storeroom at home and getting bullied in school.One of my first memories was of my older sister getting dragged to the storeroom to be locked up while I stood there crying, thinking back, this might have been the first time i disassociated from reality i still remember how it felt like i had no control over my body just watching the movie play out. I try to pretend like those two years do not bother me but it does. I can still clearly see flashes of those 2 years and i hate it.There were about 3 points in my life where i resolved to kill myself: When i was 5, where a kid who was bullying me bit me on the face for using the toilet before he did and i was blamed by the school for starting the fight, i remember that was the first time i seriously thought of ending it, nobody would believe me because his friend said i started it. This was the first time you locked me in my room and looked out the window of my apartment and thought long about jumping. Eventually, i pussied out and i blanked out for a long time after that, i cannot even remember what happened after that it felt like memory only resumed after i saw my abuser get punished at 6 years old.The second time i resolved to unexist was when i was put into a school far away from my home, i knew no one there and as a person who is bad at talking i naturally got bullied, my already shitty health got worst, i had terrible stomach pains particularly in the morning, i was afraid to leave my home. My books were glued, table vandalized, i felt the whole class was against me. Then one day when a guy was pouring water on my table I snapped, i think i had my first anxiety attack, i pulled his arm hard thinking of smashing his face in, but then I instantly started crying, i felt intense fear, my heart was beating out of whack I felt like everyone was laughing at me, i could not breathe, my stomach churning, and my mind went blank. My teacher talked to me after class but at that point, I have fully disassociated I do not think i heard anything i just went ok for everything. I started skipping more classes feeling like my room was the only safe place, i fell asleep almost every night crying about how big a disappointment i was to my parents, how useless i am, i have no talenfs, i was only a burden on everyone, the only thing i deserved was to die. i was planning to do so but once again i pussied out my useless urge to live won out, because a man on youtube saved my life, he was a comedian from sourcefed at that time, his name was Steve Zaragoza when i was 13 he was pretty much what was keeping me alive with sourcefed table talks, and what he said i think pretty much saved my life, he said the stopped getting bullied because he became the funny kid. So i became the funny kid, i started craving attention, everyone liked me, i was the goofy fucker, one of the class clowns, but that was only temporary.The urge to end it lessened and i soon started going to the gym.I was getting better. I was at 105Kg (about 200lbs) back then and through out 2 years i lost about 30Kg ( about 65lbs). I thought that at that point i would feel happier and more confident i would become OK, but it did not the thoughts at the back of my head still remained. i went off the diet and i gained back all the weight by the time 6 monthes passed, every though i ate normally, this shit just made me give up hope losing weight.The third time in the past i tried to end it was when i was in 2018 (at about 17 and 18 years old) , i went into the school i wanted; the school and course my parents wanted i thought i was happy my sense of self worth was at its peak and i thought i had made my whole family proud being the topp 10%, but of course again i was wrong i could not handle the pressure of my course, i coundn't wrap my head around the subjects taught and from that pressure i decidedd to run away i skipped my, classes, my exams, dropped ou, planned to work for a while go on holiday and then end it after the holiday settleing some loose ends. I Planned to die, did not decide the method this time but it was what i felt was rock bottom. I never tried to tell anyone besides as disgusing it as a joke to friends, never said anything to to family, or to any doctors i just kept it to myself, because i thought no one deserves to be burdened by my shit and i was embarrassed and scaredBut i think the reason i did not kill myself was my niece, i watched over her often as my sister was working and her father was a piece of fucking shit. I felt like i was her father i felt like i had to be there for her, i did not want her to have a shitty shildhood, i wanted her to grown up healthy and sane.Turns out i was ok with working i enjoyed my time talking to customers, the pay was enough, for me, and i felt like my life was amounting to something i felt sort ok and then covid came knocking and the lock down began. The lockdown brough my family closer, i soon had a nephew too and felt responsible for him soon after. I wanted to be there for them. I want them to be fuckin normal people unlike me me. I wad happy for a whiel.Now brings us to current times, lockdown is over, i was conscripted into the military like every other man in our ountry. I went through my 1 month basic trainig thinking, i would get a job that would let me go home everyday like a 9 to 5, but i did not, i had to stay in a military camp from sunday night to friday, i cannot see my familt, the thoughts were getting more and more frequent and i after just a few weeks of staying here the feeling of it feels stronger and stronger, but i could not just leave my friend to handle everything, so i endured for a while.Yesterday at the military doctors office i just blurted out my anxious feelings and some outher shit that i could not put into words properly and he asks me to come back later but with my superiors and 2 other random guys in the office, i choked while they accused me of lying and lectured me about growing up and just deal with it while i was too nervous, i could not form a sentence, through the doctor saying why i did not highlight the issue to previous doctors, it did not make sense for me to say it now. I fully disassociated. I did not cry i just agreed with what they said like it was the truth, i had once again truly decidded to kill myself after 3 years.The first time i try to tell anyone about my issue did not belive me and instead put me through a interrogation, discredited and berated me the entire time. I have hit even lower than what i thought was possible.There is no hope, there is no meaning, i should not exist. My life has ni value. My wine is done and my drugs are in me hopefully this is my last day. Also sorry about the errors and long post. Good afternoon good evening and goodnight. Instantly pushed to rock bottom",Suicidal +17580,"I tried contacting my local hospital's mental health services, I called the secretary and she tell me to fuck off, and put the phone down, already a great start for somebody with depression and issues with self harm.After a lengthy call with the public relations office, I manage to get thru to the nurses at the mental health department.They tell me that they are still going through appointments from November 2020, so it is going to be fun to wait and see everything going down the shitter even more... One step forward 2 steps back",Depression +17581,"I am 14 and I have had multiple attempts. My last attempt was like a month ago so I am scared to do it again bc it was pretty bad and painful. But I still want to die so so bad, but I am scared and it fucking sucks. I cannot even kill myself properly. tbh I should just jump of a building rn. And I tried talking to a therapist, but she did not want to help me anymore bc I do not talk. I did not even rlly know her yet. I fucking hate myself and I have anorexia so that sucks too.I tried talking to people but they just say the same fking thing over and over again I swear things will get better. or they just start talking about themselves. I just want someone to talk to.FUCK THISFUCK EVERYONE FUCK EVERYTHING thanks for listening have a great day :) I want to die so bad and idk what to do",Suicidal +17582,CPS came to take my sisters kids yesterday. I thought the house was clean enough. They did not. I have no one to help me. My life is in shambles,Depression +17583,"I am early in my journey of discovery and diagnosis. I am just so tired, empty and cannot think. Booked in to see a therapist in a few weeks. Does it get better? Be it medical or holistic treatment i want to know if one day ill have energy, be interested and excited about things and my brain will actually work.Trying to mum, be interested in work and get things done each day but i just want to be left alone.. Apathy, emptiness, brain fog.. does it ever get better?",Depression +17584,I really do not feel life... I am scared to just chop off my veins through wrist.I have no purpose yet.I feel pressure... I just wanted to end this... I needed true connection. I needed someone to talk to. College graduating,Suicidal +17585,Not that it matters. I would not want to be a real person anyways. I am not a real person. I am a collection of tired tropes and stale clichs.,Depression +17586,"I live in a small 3rd world country, to get by during covid, i had to get a credit card and take on some debt. I lost my job and am slowly selling everything important to me to get by. I had a huge dental issue with an infection that sunk me I am on meds/sris that are so difficult to get off so i must by them. I have a beautiful kitty that i need to feed and you know how expensive the rest of life is. I do not have much left and cannot ever see myself getting out of this hole. Two steps back and really struggling to be confident this loop will ever end. I am not going to spread my wounds out in competitive display but i am struggling with the terror. Debt",Suicidal +17587,Right now I wish I was gone. I really want to sometimes,Suicidal +17588,"I helped her through two suicide attempts, built her a new coffee table after her abusive ex ruined her old one, kept her notes from when we were just flirting, stayed up late at night trying to think of ways to help her through her depression and stress from school. And she told me I do not care about her, that I have no empathy for anything and basically that I am not human. Then cheated on me. With my best friend of 15 years.I wish I did not have emotion. I would love to just leave this planet and not care about the people I left behind. I still care about them after all of this and I should not. My ex gf told me I have no emotion or empathy. I wish I did not.",Suicidal +17589,"I feel like there is this deep, dark, hollow, senseless, sightless, eerie, buzzing, whispering sadness trapped somewhere inside me that I cannot get access to but it is affecting me every day in a way I cannot grasp. it is like a poisonous snake trapped inside my chest and I want to cut it open and pull it out so fucking bad.it is like being trapped in a cave a thousand miles beneath the ground and not even being able to panick at the sight of inevitable death because nobody knows I am there.Please just make it stop! Please get it out of me, get it out!",Depression +17590,"I feel this feeling of agitation, cannot do shit, do not want to do shit, just want to die. What can I do? Help",Suicidal +17591,"its seven am and i have not had a lick of rest. this is not a healthy way to live, and i do not think ill ever get better. my impulses tell me to drink cleaning supplies. I am like an infant, and that seems fit impulse",Suicidal +17592,Hey guys! I have been prescribed Zoloft/Sertralin. Honestly I am quite afraid of the side effects that it could because. Do you guys have immediate effect on your depression or anxiety? and also do you have immediate side effects? Got prescribed Zoloft/Sertralin 25mg,Depression +17593,"my parents got divorced a couple of years ago and it was not that big of a deal for me, up until now. my mom has become a complete control freak and does not care about me anymore. she is always sick and is in and out of the hospital weekly. I am always getting grounded for things that are not related to me at all and I am constantly being yelled at. i feel like I am constantly being tossed back and forth between my parents, both sides arguing to eachother all the timemy dad and siblings are my only saving grace. if i did not have them in my life, i guarantee you id be dead. we go to his house bi-weekly and i feel like the only time i can ever be happy is when I am there. it hurts, because if i knew my mom found out, it would hurt her feelings.my siblings are little assholes (like any eldest sibling would say lol) but i really love them. i feel like they the only people i can talk to without being judged.i feel like I am growing up too fast. i feel like I am being forced to be an adult when i cannot even legally drive a car yet. my mom has a huge play in this, because she usually cannot cook so i have to make dinner for my siblings every day. i love cooking so I am not complaining, but i wish my mom would stop forcing her responsibilities onto me.the only reason i have not even it all yet is because i know it would because suffering for those around me. I have attempted to reach out and ask for help but nothing ever happens. I have had multiple therapists and feel like my mental state has just gotten worse overtime.i feel like a burden to everyone around me. my dad is a single father so he is always doing his best but i feel like if i killed myself my brother and sister would be a lot happiermy dad is always battling my mom for custody and since hes a single father nothing ever comes out of it. i have provided evidence of my mom abusing my siblings and the court always favours her because she is a single mother.the police show up to my dads house weekly because my mom always calls them on me when I am babysitting my brother. i basically know the cop and he knows that I am fine. its one of the reasons i do not trust my mom at all. my mom has stolen my phone in my sleep and deleted all of my social media and games, and blocks all of my contacts so i cannot reach out to anyone.i just want a happy life for my siblings. i think about killing myself all the time but i know if i did it would just be harder on them.sorry for the long paragraph, i just wanted to vent a little bit. i wrote more than i thought i did i cannot take this anymore",Suicidal +17594,"I was pretty much suicidal consistently since 2016. I went through another breakup recently which again made me spiral. Thankfully there was a therapy session right after. She gave me a lot of pointers on how to tackle my trauma of abandonment and neglect and general feeling of loneliness. And I went through so much shit in the past 2 years in my relationships that this session just woke me up from my slumber. Like I am done feeling this way. I am done giving my energy to people who do not deserve it. For some reason I do not give a damn about relationships anymore and the very thought of it exhausts me and now I finally feel free. Like I finally feel like I can live my life and direct energy to myself and I do not owe anyone anything. I do not have to spend time deliberating if I mean anything to anyone. I do not have to obsess and overthink, like I am over everything. I just do not care and I want to take care of myself and spoil myself and for the first time like I actually want to live!! Like I want to live my life not giving a shit about anyone else or what anyone else thinks of me or being desperate for a relationship or some form of Connection. I am done feeling this way and ever since my therapy I have only felt excited to live my life as a single person and I am so ready !!! Finally leaving this group",Suicidal +17595,"I got covid around 6-7 months ago. And I was so fucking happy ironically. I have always hoped Id get some type of illness/virus/disease that would kill me. And I thought Id finally got that. A way out that would not hurt my family or friends or make them disappointed. I was ridiculously unhealthy at the time when I got it, smoking 2 packs a day, drinking copious amount of coffee, barely getting any sleep, diet did not exist etc. And all covid fucking did to me was give me a headache, sore glands, a little cough, make me lose smell and taste. And then I got better in like 3 days. Fuck this stupid deadly fucking virus. Fucking useless fuck. All I am left with now is long term symptoms that are helping to drive me closer to killing myself everyday. And I cannot kill myself because I am to much of a fucking coward. Every time I get into that mindset and convince myself to do it, I keep thinking of the pain my mom would go through, my dad, my friends, etc. It makes me feel fucking selfish. And the guilt I feel is even worse.But I cannot keep doing this, living this existence. I KNOW I am living for others. And I KNOW that will never change. I KNOW Ill never be strong enough to kill myself. here is to a futile existence of living for the sake of others. Fuck covid for not killing me",Suicidal +17596,"I am 24 born with hyperhidrosis got a degree cannot even get job all day i am tired , depressed drinking tons of caffeine watching netflix playing video games etc and my father just died with heart attack how hard it is to even live a day doing nothing but being at war with your mind and body, fighting just to shower and get dressed, having so many thoughts and feelings that it makes you wonder is the next day worth it. Just being mentally tired all day. Guess going to end it soon",Suicidal +17597,"Do you forgive them and move on? If so, how does one do that? I cannot seem to forgive or forget. Its almost imprinted in my mind and I doubt Ill ever be able to shake it off. I am also conflicted because they are my parents at the end of the day, how can I have such resentment towards them for such a long time? For me, it comes and goes. I appreciate them but deep down sometimes resentment comes up to touch the surface again. I was beaten on a daily basis when I was little, I think the most ridiculous reason for being beaten once was because I bought a $0.50 pencil from the school bookshop without asking for permission. When I came home I got thrashed. I keep asking myself, how is it fair that other people got to enjoy their childhood and yet I was physically and emotionally abused so much. I am in my early 20s now and they have toned down a whole lot, mainly because of health issues and obviously I am an adult now. Many would say, why do not you move out? Why do you even talk to them anymore? Well see, this is where I am conflicted because I am not like them, nor would I ever want to be like them. Also, they are my parents, they are not a stranger.I vowed to myself that if I ever choose to have children someday, Ill never lay a finger on them and Ill support them throughout. I still recall getting into an argument with my dad recently and he challenged me to do so, almost like he was mocking me, saying he wants to see if I live up to my word. Anyways I apologise for the sad post, I just needed to get my thoughts out of my system. If you have any advice on how to manage or on what to do to maintain a relationship with them. Perhaps even on how to remove oneself from such an environment, do tell. How do you come to terms with the abuse you faced as a child at the hands of your parents?",Depression +17598,"Idk who goes through what in their lives but just tell me if you have ever felt this, the way i did cuzz i just want to know people are facing the same shit as me or am i really the 1 in a million as my doctor said once to me. I had the worst night in my life and what happened today it happen before too but it was like rarely so for me this was not a big of a deal. I always keep my phone far away from me when i sleep like above me and when i need something in the night usually i do not but in case i do then sometimes my hand would reach out to the phone and sometimes it will not reach, or sometimes i would just yell and someone would come. Last night i got in a very uncomfortable position while sleeping and normally i would come back to my sleeping position but idk why i could not move myself forward it is not just my legs it is my whole body that does not work and I have been in this place before, i remember when i could raise my hand and one day i could not, there was a time when i used to walk and then i could not even stand, or when my internal organs started failing. Okay so what is next now? My voice i guess cuzz in the end vocal cords are also muscles and I have this disease Muscular Dystrophy so my every muscle in my body is going to die so i will not be able to speak in some years well that is too bad cuzz everybody says I am very talkative. Sometimes I have the strength and sometimes I am a person who cannot even move a little by herself. So I am like yah whatever let us just call someone to help me out so i tried to get my phone but i guess it was my lucky day my hand could not reach to the phone then i tried shouting no one could hear me they were all in their room sleeping. I was not able to sleep leave that part what is the worst was, cuzz of the uncomfortable position in which I was my leg started to pain so badly and all i wanted was to get out of this pain i shouted for like 2 hours straight still no one could hear me that moment i cannot even explain how i felt... how weak, how hopeless these words are not even enough for me honestly it straight up felt like a cruel torture like i was in a hell and i kept wondering why is this happening to me? What did i do? WHY ? why someone would put me in this miserable life, in this almost dead body who does not have any strength to even move a little, is this you call living? No i think for me the living is dead.After 2 hours my mom woke up and she said from now on keep your phone close to you while sleeping. In my head i was like yah i will keep my phone close to me from now on but what about the fact that I am dead? Or maybe i died again in those 2 hours and maybe I will die like this someday again!. Whoever sees me may call this life of mine living but if you are not sitting in my wheelchair then i do not think you know how i feel. I will try to explain you how it feels like to sit in my wheelchair... I was very little when me and my family got to know that I have this disease called muscular dystrophy and there is no cure for it in the whole world even Stefan Hawkins had this disease not the exact one as mine cuzz this disease I have, it has many types but they are all quite similar. I was born with this disease but it can come to its real form in any age of your life in your 20s or in your childhood nobody knows so you see I was a normal kid back then I used to go to school I had this many friends and I was also the prettiest among everywhere I go and now it is all gone my beauty, my friends, my normal life idk what is left in me now. It has been 9 years since I have been bedridden. My brain, heart, lungs, my facial features and my senses, back bone, fingers, voice, and a little bit of hand movements these all things which I have mentioned only these things work for now other than anything in my body which I did not mention is dead, like for example my legs and my digestive system. I am very thin, the kind of thin that I bet you have never seen before cuzz of loss of muscle in my body, my coller bones are unusually deep, it is like my bones are super visible and when I say I look like an alien I mean it. You know I can keep on writing about my problems cuzz there are so many and believe me these are all the minor ones i have not even started talking about the bigger ones I just do not know what to do with this life it is like there is no control no certainty about my life or neither of my death I am just stuck in a middle of nowhere where I just wake up everyday to have 10 kinds of different pain in my body and despite having them I have to live as a happy person cuzz nobody likes a person who is depress all the time. Living with dying",Suicidal +17599,"I want someone to just know this becquse noone in my life ever seems to notice i always trail off doutinh myself i do not even know if should live anymore i do not want any one in my life to be hurt if i die but i do not want to be hurt if they die I have a'ways hated getting hirt and hurting others but that is why i do not know what to do, Am i the only one who,cannot cry i always want to so bad but I am never able to i listen to sad music to see if that works but it never does what am i even supposed to live for anympre",Depression +17600,I need help. But i cannot/ will not open up to anyone about it. I have felt like absolute shit recently( 2 years) And every night i think of some way to attempt a painless suicide. I am young but dunno what to do. Any tips to makw myself happy and Motivated again Help Pls?,Suicidal +17601,"I have been seeing a therapist for a while and I feel the same as before, if not worse. I tried to go to my mom and ask her if I can check with my doctor to see if I need medication but she just told me that I am fine and My depression is not chronic despite sharing that I have been feeling this way for a long time and was diagnosed with depression at the beginning of the year. Every time I try to go to her about this she always says the same thing and it just makes me feel like she does not care. I have been trying to hold out until I turn 18 to get help but I just do not know if I can wait that long. I do not know what to do anymore. I just cannot deal with this",Depression +17602,"somehow were all mentally ill and traumatized by existence, and the only people who manage to survive are heavily drugged or willingly brainwashed by dogma.. life is so beautiful! i do not understand how this world is safe for us",Suicidal +17603,"I always feel like my mind and mindset are very unhealthy when I feel down. In an incurable way. When I see people saying they are going to commit suicide, I cannot help but feel relieved for them as someone who knows how unbearable being conscious can sometimes be. Lately I have been thinking I need a backup plan for life if things fall apart, and not just suicide. My only idea is really just suicide with extra steps beforehand though. I get frustrated thinking about people not understanding how I think. I am really lucky to have someone close who thinks like me, but talking honestly and openly only gets harder. I am dying for fall and winter to come. Seasonal depression would be preferable to all the mental harm constant heat does to me. Thanks for reading if you did, I will be alright and just needed to get those things off my chest. :P Very late and not feeling good again",Depression +17604,"it is a ten minute walk to the tracks. Every few hours a freight train comes through at a respectable speed. Every few hours I wonder what it would be like to be done with all this. Why would any sane person want to live on this planet? The Divine Comedy was great, and everyone loved Inferno, but they all forgot that heat rises. The sun will still rise in the morning.",Suicidal +17605,"I just read that in a big state there are kind of ""private radios that incite hate, violence, racism and misogyny that attack who speak up against them. They have many followers. Will this hate ever end?Will they win?I do not want to know and just die. it is worth living? Not at all.",Suicidal +17606,Biggest fear is ending up not dead and with brain/spinal damage and just making things way worse. I wish it was not so scary.,Suicidal +17607,"that is it. there is nothing good about me. Nothing lovable or any trait that would make anyone think good or idk feel good around me. You know how it is that thing ""spend time with yourself"" and ""take yourself on a date (wtf?)"" I literally hate myself and spending time with myself. there is just nothing to like. Nothing to feel good about. I should be dead. there is absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING good about me",Suicidal +17608,I decided to call out of work and take a mental day off for myself. Its been two weeks of hell for me and the one time I was supposed to go out with friends they canceled on me last minute. Even one of my closest friends is holding a grudge against me that I already apologized for and they are using it against me in any chance they can. Also making me feel like they completely hate me and never want to see me or hang out with me again. This has brought me into a spiraling depression and gave me all this unreal anxiety Being closed in a house alone is not safe for me right now with these suicidal thoughts or being at work so I decided to take myself out on something I would enjoy doing. I just hope this can help me breathe because I feel so out of my head and i feel like the world hates me. I have even tried self harming I just do not care anymore about my life I do not even care if I get fired I am just so burnt out Taking myself out on a date with myself,Depression +17609,"I hate this world and all the systems devised by humans in power. I am glad and fortunate for what I have but I get older every day while I watch people younger than me succeed and have relationships, good jobs or a great education without even trying or having hardships. I just do not connect with people like the rest of the world and I am doomed to go it alone forever. it is very very lonely. Even tried dating websites but they all grub money and do not let you talk for free. there is no point to keep trying so I look up ways to die online but it is not as simple as it may seem. And so I go on alone, trying and failing for what purpose? I have a roof over my head and internet so I just play games and browse... Alone.... 26f been alone entire life",Suicidal +17610,"I am happy to be 21 now so I can drink myself to death everydayMy whole life never seemed to be great. My parents beat me and forced me to do things I did not want to do. I was the introvert Asian kid in school and got bullied a lot. It seems like growing up, I developed a very bad temper and I let negativity build up inside me for too long. I took drugs, committed a handful of crimes and lived a careless social life in high school because I needed to feel alive until I am not anymore. The first time I became suicidal was at age 12, and just got worse until after senior year. Every time I have finally achieved an intense relationship with a girl, I am head over heals until I am hanging by my neck with the world crashing down. I was kicked out of the house after graduating, so I was living from door to door at friends houses, probably people I should have stayed away from, then I met a girl. I decided to join the military to provide us a dream life together, but things just did not work out as she slept with my best friend and a guy next door in college while I was in basic training. While stationed, I got into trouble a lot and had no motivation to stay. I tried to commit suicide but I was revived and sent to a mental facility. Somehow I got back on my feet and the military gave me a second chance and since then, I have been improving. I need to stop looking at the past and trying to go back to it because in the end, I will feel like shit. Ill try to hit up old friends and they will not be interested. Honestly, any close friend is like family to me. And it sucks to not have anyone or anything to grow up with.Man.. time goes so slowly in the military but everyone else back home has changed significantly. I see my ex with a baby who is 3 years old now. My old friends have a whole college life completed and I am here, now, thinking of them from 4 years ago like it was yesterday.I do not know how to socialize with anyone anymore man.. I feel so fucking alone. I really am just a piece of shit World turning upside down",Depression +17611,I am stuck in a rut for a while now. The thing i have noticed is that I am way more emotional than i used to be. Before i never cried if i saw something sad on tv. That was also the case when someone told me bad news. Now i get tears in my eyes if i see/hear things like this [23M] I am way more emotional than i used to be. Is this a sign of depression?,Depression +17612,I have done a lot of research and found something that will definitely kill me and it is a pretty nice death too. I have had 2 attempts in the past and I do not want to fail again. I know things are bad so I tried to call the hospital my psychiatrist works at but they cannot take me until Wednesday and I do not even know if I want to go in. I have bipolar and I think I am experiencing dysphoric mania where I am irritable and thinking fast but I do not feel happy and have really intense suicidal ideation. My life is so stressful and I feel so alone. Everything is so meaningless and pointless. My life is just going through the motions. I tried calling a crisis line but they hung up within 5 minutes. Looking at ordering a chemical online to end it all,Suicidal +17613,"I do not know if Ill actually end my life yet, but I wrote a note of how i feel that I wanted to share:I never expected my life could go so wrong, but how do you ever anticipate this hell? The gnawing dark void has consumed me whole, and I could not beat it, I was not strong enough. It feels like 1000 knives are piercing me endlessly, and every fake smile is heavier to hold than the last. I feel trapped by myself, and my dreams I have failed to make progress in despite my efforts. I want to be seen, to be heard, to know that I do exist. But is any of this worth it? Its easy to talk about the end, but actually ending it is the hard part, that part is what has let me last this long. I thought the pain would finally end when I beat it the first time, then again, and now its back again, worse and worse each time. I have finally realized, I am the problem, the only way for the problem to end, is for me to end Do I need a specific reason? For people to judge how much it justifies my pain? I can survive it for a month, I can survive it for a year, I cannot survive it for a lifetime. I scream for help and all I hear is the echo of my own voice. I ask who is there, its me, its me again, and its me the third time. Others go through so much worse, but no one is in more pain than me. And I deserve it, deserve it for being worthless and lazy. I never had a choice in life, at least Ill have a choice in my death. Please do not hate me for this, tell me I did well, keep me in your heart, and say goodbye. Goodbye. I wrote a note",Suicidal +17614,"it will all be over so quick, I do not have to feel anything. My secrets die with me, no one needs to know who I am, I do not have to look back on others to see if they care anymore I just want to close my eyes and leap",Suicidal +17615,"So i was just minding my business at the trainstation, waiting for my train to go to scchool after a stressful morning at my workplace. It was around midday and it was raining badly, i just sat down on a bench near me and tuned into some music when suddenly this old lady just sat down next to me and started talking to me""So.. weekend now, huh?"" She asked me. I put down my headphones and replied with ""not really, still have to work a shift on saturday."" I really was not interested to chit-chat with her so i hastily put my headphones back on, or atleast tried to. Before i actually put them on she said ""Ah, school. Which grade are you in?"" I quickly replied again ""grade 10"" before she turned her head to me and smilingly said ""You have a great future ahead of you!"" ""I doubt that but thank you."" i said back. There was a small moment of silence but the old lady eventually broke it with her words ""You know.. you need to stop troubling yourself with the past. you are young and strong, there is no need for you to worry about a tiny fraction of your life, which is the past. Start focusing on the future.. better yet, yout future! Forget your age and focus on your future because only you can shape it the way you want. do not try and change the past because it already solidified into your life but your future on the other hand.. If i were you, I would use your young strength and willpower to shape a future that would suit me right. I would give allot just to go back in time and tell my young self everything I have just told you because i know i could have done better than i actually did. If i did better in the past then maybe now i would not have to take the train to my last days of work everyday, haha. Well, here goes my train.. take care of yourself, okay darling?""With those words she entered the train and waved goodbye to me. I had abusive parents so i never got such advice and honestly it felt magical to hear something like that. I just needed to share this with someone and hopefully this advice will help some of you on here like it helped me.Keep on going you all! Had a small-talk with an old lady at the trainstation today.",Depression +17616,there is currently 48 ibuprofen pills in the house. 200 mg each. I want to take them so bad but idk if it is going to work. I do not want to end up in the hospital again. How did I end up like this want to feast on ibuprofen,Suicidal +17617,"I am 23 years old and I have been alone all my life. I have never had a partner, I have never had sex, I have never held someone is hand. I am unwanted. I cannot take it any more. I left work early a few days ago and I have been in my room ever since. I have not eaten or drank anything but a few goldfish crackers and the water that was on my Bedside table. I have no drive to do anything at all. I take sleeping pills the second I wake up so that I can just sleep. I cannot stop thinking about how much i fucking hate everything about myself. I do not even know why I am writing this right now. I just hate everything about my life. I do not think I will ever be able to find someone who I can be with, and if I cannot experience life with someone I love, then I do not want to experience it at all. I feel like I am at the end. I do not even want try and meet anyone anymore. I just want to lay in my bed and sleep until I do not wake up. I thought about checking myself into a hospital, but after reading about how badly suicidal patients are often treated in the you.S, I will no longer be doing that. I do not think there is any help for me anyway. I am on medication, I have been to therapy, nothing helps. I do not know how much longer I can continue. All Time Low",Suicidal +17618,"I think a mildly low feeling all the time just is not enough to make you want to do something about it.When you get right to the bottom of the pit you get stopped by the floor and realise where you are and think, shit, I want out now!You realize how shitty the very bottom is. I think sometimes it takes being as low as possible to get motivation to get out.",Depression +17619,"Hi to anyone out there,As I have mentioned in previous posts I have suffered with depression for an incredibly long time, actually since I was a teenager & it has followed me into my adult life.I have had many medication reviews throughout the years for my anti depressants but never had or have even been offered a psychological evaluation at any time - instead I was simply diagnosed with depression & have tried to manage the condition my whole life.I have started to wonder if I may in fact have some sort of personality disorder like BPD which affects the way I think as it appears to be a permanent state of mind for me, perhaps I am just clutching at straws because its always felt such a struggle to cope with life.I am contemplating seeking a medical opinion on this but I am also scared to do so, I would love to not think the way I do but at the same time I cannot imagine thinking any other way - its all I have known for so long & I am not sure how much of my thinking is my personality vs my depression (or possible personality disorder)Any advice or insight on any of these issues would be greatly appreciated, thanks! Lifelong depression or Personality disorder?",Suicidal +17620,"When i (25M) say love, i refers to the capacity to fall in love. My last attempt to find someone in my life had took me a part of myself... it is weird to say it but, i always wanted to find someone that would love me, sharing my life, beeing something worth fighting for..but now, i feel , idk, hopeless ? I cannot see myself being loved again without feeling like something horrible will happen, she will have a car accident, she will get sick, etc. Or i feel like it will not work without even trying rather it is her fault or mine. I never felt like this before I think i lost my ""love""",Depression +17621,"I have absolutely no idea what I should do. Everything I think of leads to a dead end. I really do not understand what is the best course of action, no I know but it is just not possible. I do not even understand what degree I should do or even if I should do it. I feel very trapped in my body, I have no emotional support. I have shut down my emotions for a long time I cannot even cry more than 1 tear even if I want to. I have no friends, I am highly unmotivated to even get out of my bed. Suicide feels like a ticket out of this shit show. Feel like it is going to be a dead-end no matter what I do.",Suicidal +17622,"I attemempted my life not even a few months ago. From there I was sent to a short term psych ward in which I got prescribed an antidepressant. I convinced myself I was better although I knew I was not. This caused me to get mixed with the wrong people which lead me down drug abuse these past few months. In which I have been smoking to avoid feeling down. However, my family recently caught whim of this and got me out of there. Without that coping mechanism its all coming back. In the past week I even got an increase in my total med dosage which helped but did not help enough. Now with all this talk of moving and what to do with me by my family has me very stressed aswell as my deppression rampages along with it. I just cannot handle it anymore. I do not want to live. I do not know what to do. Someone please help me. I cannot do it. Life is to hard all the time. And I do not know why. And I feel like such an asshole because my problems are not even that bad compared to others. Yet here I am. Wanting to end it all. Someone please help. I cannot do this anymore.",Suicidal +17623,I am so tiredIm so so tired Why does nobody care?? Fucks sakeIm fucking useless. I want to be gone,Suicidal +17624,cannot kill myself because I love my momThis world sucks ass I cannot,Suicidal +17625,"I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts recently; I have done really well on not remembering my past and closing myself when anything from the past remotely enters my brain. i got a therapist because i want to get better - there is a lot of things that makes me want to continue living but i did not know before getting better, i have to acknowledge things and overcome things and past traumas. I have done things in the past that i cannot take back or fix - most of them a reflection of things that were done to me when i was a kid. I am trying to remind myself that I am not my past and even though we cannot control our past, we can control how we react in the present and where to go in the future. but I am so tired, these past situations and the feelings i had in them is all coming back and its incredibly overwhelming.i am very fortunate to have loving friends, partner and family but my past continues to haunt me.I am stuck between offing myself or continue being sad and tired. i do not want to be sad anymore.",Suicidal +17626,"I feel alone. My friends love to have a good time, never there when its tough for me. Never there when I need them. They ask me what is wrong for formalities and give a superficial response. I am tired. My dad channels his disappointment in me through my younger brother. I feel guilty hearing the family argue from issues that stem from his disappointment in me. Phones ringing and people are waiting for me to let them know that I have gotten into college, I do not have the heart or courage to tell half of them that I did not make it.I am crying behind closed doors. I am tired. I am lonely. I am filled with regret. I keep telling myself. If I could kool myself I would. But I know I never could. So I just have to love through this. Feeling weak",Suicidal +17627,"Yeah, I am truly worthless. 16M failed school because according to my parents I was not trying hard enough. Perhaps they are right. I am an overly emotional piece of shit who should have taken his life ages ago. But I still have not. Really pathetic of me, not to find the strength of killing myself. I am a coward. I should have died long ago so I could stop being a fucking burden to all the people around me. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me because I truly am worthless. that is what I am. If my parents say that I am worthless then I must be",Depression +17628,"I am 24 born with hyperhidrosis got a degree cannot even get job all day i am tired , depressed drinking tons of caffeine watching netflix playing video games etc and my father just died with heart attack how hard it is to even live a day doing nothing but being at war with your mind and body, fighting just to shower and get dressed, having so many thoughts and feelings that it makes you wonder is the next day worth it. Just being mentally tired all day. Still wondering is it worth it",Depression +17629,"I have written so many words and lengthy cathartic monologue's to myself over the years that they are not really cutting it anymore. The words I use are old and they do not quite cover my feelings anymore. I have watched everyone surprass me. I have been used up and discarded more times than I care for at this point. I have nothing but the storm of hate and despair that I feel all the time now. I am so angry and so lost. I have no hope and I have exhausted most of my options of self-help. I can always continue and always survive, but I am not really progressing and I am not really becoming what I want to become. I cannot get a job, I have been denied University funding, my wife did not want me and I am stuck in my childhood home of abuse. I cannot seem to make money online anymore and those options are few anyway. I have used up all the limited help there is and I do not really see a way to proceed anymore. I am thinking that perhaps it is time and maybe it will finally be a relief rather than a regret. it is sad, but it is what it is. I think the greatest illusion I ever sold myself is that I was going to be successful. The potential was there, but it was too stacked against me and I guess I am not strong enough. At 33 with no income and no accomplishments other than small personal goals, I think it might be time to just accept defeat. The path grows darker",Suicidal +17630,My body and mind are frozen I do not know how much more trama I can endure like its my fault and nobody comes to care about me except some crusty old fucking people nobody would even give a fuck if I was not here I am just their fucking entertainment it feels like I am being raped because they humiliate the fuck out of me I just want to fucking kill myself they do not give a fuck about me and make themselves the victim. I cannot get a someone to date because they reject me and go for people with money. I work all the time but now I just do not give a fuck about any of this shit. Relationships mean a lot to me but all women are whores and cheaters. Crushes that I had are getting fucked and I am just sitting in background wanting to killmyself I do not even do anything hurtful to others I work hard and still get fucked over. Then I am the bad guy for wanting to killmyself and they all look at somebody else like some fucking popular depressed person not me I wish I was never born Id rather go to hell than to acknowledge a creator I want to die and never exist yeah I did say fuck all women because that how I feel Feeling like I am being raped,Suicidal +17631,"This is a suicide note I thinkIve ruined my life. I have made irreversible mistakes that I deserve to be punished for. I am going to kill myself next week. This is it, this is the end of my life. I am going to miss my family and friends, but I have left myself with no other options. I clearly have no place in this world anymore. I just want to reverse time and go back I want another try at this. I hate that this is how it has to be but I cannot do anything else. Fuck my miserable life. I hate all of this. I am helpless I have no other options",Suicidal +17632,"I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression at a young age. Since then, my illness has morphed into an unmanageable mess. Schizophrenia, paranoia and BPD are things I now live with and it is absolutely hell. I am 28 now. The road here has been destroyed and the bridges to other outlets have been burned and pissed on by yours truly. I have not had a proper conversation with someone in almost 2 years. I do not know how to communicate anymore. If I say anything to anyone, I am not sure if what I am saying means anything anymore. Everyday I tell myself I am worthless. I am stupid. Nothing. Waste. it is hilarious because I do this to calm myself down when I get to emotional. I have zero self-esteem. It just left one day. Perpetually, I keep myself from feeling any form of positive attitude towards myself, others and things I once held as ""good"" in my life. I do not understand. If I can, I distract myself with noise. Music, video games, fans, my leaking faucet and internal. Without these things I hear the bullshit. The people. The talking. The laughing. The eyes. I hate it. I fucking hate it so much. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. They cannot be real. None of it could be. The world's not out to get me. That cannot possibly be the case. that is stupid. But for some reason, me thinking is not enough. Why? Why not? ""Take the medicine. It will make the pain go away."" ""Oops! Wrong medicine! Try another."" ""Oops! What about this one?"" Feel better? Worse? Hmm"" ""it is been a couple of months now. This forth medication should have started working. Are you actually taking it? Yes? Well, oops! let us try again shall we?"" "" What do you mean you do not want anymore medication?! it is the only thing that can make you feel better!"" ""Look, I know that you feel taking meds is pointless but it is not! Some people's brains just do not behave normally. it is normal. You just have to take meds the rest of your life to be able to go outside and be a normal, happy person. do not you want that?"" ""Sorry to see you go. Call if you would like to come back and try again. What are you going to do now?"" Everyday it is something new but the same old thing. I try to fill my life with material things to fill the space inside of me that something left behind. The problem is, I do not know what it was. And because of that I cannot find the proper thing to replace it. It cannot be just anything. It has to be a replica of what I lost. I have tried finding it but everything and everyone does not fit. It makes me wonder if I am lost and that piece of me is on the hunt. An issue comes up though. I am hiding. I have buried myself so far out of reach from anything real. That thing will never find me. I do not want to be found. I am scared. I do not want it to come back. I do not know. I do not know anything anymore. what is the point of having friends if I am not pleasant to be around? what is the point of leaving my apartment if I cannot enjoy being outside? Why care so much about what other people think of me if I think so negatively about myself? Why try? I have never done anything, worth anything, in 28 years. I have never put myself into anything 100%. Never. I have never tried to complete anything in life. I give up. that is what I am good at. Giving up. All the things I have done. All the people I have hurt. All the potential I have wasted. All the doors that I have slammed, viciously, in opportunities face. All the emotions I have drowned. All the delusions I suffer. The one person I should have cared most about in this world has given up on me. Me. I gave up on me. I am tired. This is the most tired I have been in ages. I feel like I have lived a thousand life times and died a thousand more. I am not who I once was. I am a completely different person. I do not know who I am. I do not think I ever will. I have so much to think about and I do not know how to say the things I feel. I am finished. Even though I understand I am Ill, I do not. Understand?",Depression +17633,"I posted here the other day, I was drunk as shit and figured that was it. I get that way sometimes when I drink. The past few days though it has not left me like it usually does. I still really and I do mean REALLY, want to blow my fucking brains out. Its all I can fuckin think about, especially at work.... I work 11:00PM-7AM, 7 days a week except Sunday, which is 7:00PM- 7:00AM. I cannot fucking stand it anymore. that is not entirely why I want to check out, but lately it has been the biggest factor. I also do not want to quit, its a good job, but were to fuckin short staffed and I am murdering myself working because I literally have no option. I cannot call off unless its a genuine emergency. Its fucking with me though enough to the point where eating a .45 is preferable. Other than that its either shatter my femur and get a week or two off, but then I am like $150k in medical debt. I love the job and I do not mind working, I just have not had a day off in literally two months, and June 30th - the 4th I worked 110 hours, 42 of them straight through from Saturday at 1:00PM - Monday at 7:00AM. I am just burnt out and Ill be working literally every single day after this post until we hire another guard, which does not seem likely since nobodies applying for fuckin jobs, so I am fucked. I just want to fucking end it so goddamn bad. I cannot stand this shit anymore man, ya know? Theirs definitely more behind why I want to, but this has been the kicker lately. Full disclosure: As much as I may want to blow my fucking brains out with a furious passion, I shall not anytime soon. My mother is the only family I have and vice versa, and I cannot do that to her. Its just such an overwhelming feeling that I am afraid if I end up getting to drunk and especially distraught one night I might end up pullin the trigger, accidentally or otherwise. Its just nice to put it out in the ether. Half the time I try and talk to my friends about it they just get pissed, sayin its selfish and the other half just get uncomfortable and do not know what to say, which I am cool with both. Its a touchy subject unfortunately.... I have an overwhelming urge to just fuckin pop my top off.",Suicidal +17634,"I know this is extremely wrong of me. But I cannot help it.I am so depressed I do not even feel like a real person half the time. I hate myself so much and have a crippling anxiety disorder that makes me barely able to leave the house.So even though I know its wrong, I cannot help but roll my eyes when I see people who say they are depressed but have a life. How depressed could you be if you had a big group of friends and a boyfriend and an actual LIFE? How depressed could you be if you get up and go for a run every morning and go do random shit like visiting the beach or baking?If I could live that way I would be goddamn happy. I do not understand how someone can manage to be depressed and still live such a happy life.And I know I am a hypocrite for saying this because I am sure there was a time when I lived a semi-decent life from the outsider view (even if it was not as fun). I know these thoughts are wrong but I cannot help it.I feel like a bitter loser. I cannot help but judge people who say they are depressed but look perfectly fine from the outside",Depression +17635,"I am a doctor (year 2 psychiatric resident) and everyday I walk to the clinic and wonder if I should just walk by and find a way to off myself. I cannot stand humans anymore, I really only want to be let alone. Already quit my job but it will be end of august until I can leave (3 months notices are cruel, but makes sense with call-schedules). Ironically I am assigned to a depression ward. It is different than what you may have experienced - open, friendly, spacious, nice garden (not the US). And I tell my patients to do things to relax, help them structure their days with breaks and activities they like. While not having time for a lunch break myself, while finishing reports on the weekends... we have this depression questionnaire we make patients fill out every week and I scored about average of my patients - moderate to severe depression. it is so fucking funny sometimes. I stress the importance of outpatient follow up - and do not have time to see my own therapist. little over a month left, they think I will be coming back next year. idkI just need to find a way to earn money without any human contact or else I think I am going to call quits. Interacting with society is making life unbearable for me. What was that clown's name again?",Suicidal +17636,"I do not get it. What is the point. Keep living everyday, working, go home do stuff on the weekends. This has repeated for me so many times. Do what everyone else does? Get married have kids and do the same cycle with extra work and stress? Sure there is good times with having a family but I just see it as a huge pointless cycle. You work and go home. You get married. You work and go home. You have kids. You work and go home. You raise your kids to do the exact same thing when they grow up. And then you die. Like why even continue the cycle? Why not just stop the pointless cycle now? I do not get it. what is the point",Suicidal +17637,Tired of everything Is there a point or reasons?,Suicidal +17638,I want to die :) I hate this unfair place 3am,Depression +17639,"what is the point? what is the point in anything? right now the only reason I am not dead yet is because i cannot die with trauma from the mental fucking hospital and also because i need to gain the trust of my parents.I will need to wait for a few more months till i can plan my next attemptbut really, what is the point in all of this?nothing matters and i have no hopethe reason i live is because of this one person, this ONE online friend i havesomehow, i still have enthusiasm when talking to himbut my parents forced me to stop talking to him so i do not know what i will dotheres a difference between 'reasons I am not dead yet' and 'reasons i live'reasons I am not dead yet would be factors that are an obstacle to your deathreasons you live would be the reasons that give you some sort of purpose and meaning to not die yourselfbut i am mainly here due to 'reasons I am not dead yet'nothing makes me happy and i despise almost everythingnothing worksi know that this is temperorary and whatever i know itbut that does not mean i have to bear with it everytime it comesit eventually goes away, yes, but it comes back as welland i can see that the tiny amount of time these feelings are not as intense is not a proper reason for me to liveits not worth itthat tiny bit of peace and then this suffering againits not worth what is the point",Depression +17640,"so first i tried prozac which is probably the only anti depressant to work consistently when i was 14-17 . but it stopped working and i fell back into horrible depression and social anxiety . so i tried zoloft it only worked for a few weeks which has left me traumatised seeing how happy i could be then it slipping through my fingers and never returning. then effexor did not do anything , then i tried lexapro and that did nothing , then i tried paxil and that kind of worked but mmm not really . still hated myself . i tried zoloft again and still nothing :/ . is there something wrong with my brain like badly ? so i stopped the meds for a week and tried lsd . it barely had any effects . like i seen barely any visuals and just felt weird. i had 450 ug and my friend friend t and it worked for her . could my serotonin receptors be non existent or something or not work ? i just want to be happy .I am only 19 and i feel like an old lady . i work out often even though its been getting hard to keep up with it lately :/ i feel like everyone around me laughs with their friends and can have fun like a normal person and I am stuck in a cage and watching everyone at a party i was not invited to. I am so alone and i feel like i just do not matter. i suffered abuse as a child but i do not remember it so idk if therapy would help plus i do not open up to anyone . I am not someone who is ever really done drugs but I am considering it . a temporary high sometimes is better then constant emptiness in my option . thanks what do i do next :/ it feels like I have tried everything",Depression +17641,Lately the only thing I have been looking forward to is going to sleep. I hate when I wake up. Let me live my life out in my sleep I hope to see the girl in my dreams again,Suicidal +17642,"after a suicide attempt i was in a mental facility for like a week, i missed class and when i came back i was lost and did not get the topics, now i think it is to late because i do not even check if i have homework and i have failed so many tests, i think i should just repeat the course so I can understand the topics properly, but idk how to get used to doing homework and caring about school again, i lost the habit (i also struggle with adhd and autism so I am pretty screwed up when we talk about focusing and doing stuff) i do not care about school",Depression +17643,"I am feeling very suicidal. I do not want to die, just end the pain. I am newly graduated from college and very miserable. I do not want my family to know because they will just judge me and tell me that life is not that hard. However, I have nobody. I am very young and want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me so I can get the help that I need and live my best life! The only way I feel I can keep myself safe for the next 24 hours is either wait until the morning to call my weed dealer (weed helps numb my emotional pain) or check myself into a psychiatric hospital as soon as possible! I only have state insurance. What are my options in the Milwaukee area? How can I check myself into a mental hospital without anyone knowing?",Suicidal +17644,"there is just so much to say..I was one of those people who would try to help all those here, and on various other suicidal subreddits. I would tell them to hang in there, and try to count their blessings, when did I change? When did I get so filled up with sadness and loneliness?My heart, it is this huge hole, it keeps growing bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. I am always on the edge, like the tears would fall out any moment. I do not have any friends irl, my parents do not allow me on socials, so being here is actually me desperately trying to find friends. Some of them are begging me to find therapy, and they keep asking people advice for a depressed friend. it is a label now, I am depressed. And I hate that, I hate how I cannot be happy even though I am so good at pretending to be. I feel like I am annoying people, being a burden to them, making their lives miserable. My parents think I am destroying them by being rebellious, not eating and stuff, they say I want to die, like it is my fault if I do want to. I know they love me, but they have stopped appreciating me, completely. I tried to tell them I am lonely, like 4 times, and they taunted me saying that why do I need anyone in my life. Why? Because I cannot control my thoughts, they haunt me, traumatise me.I recently (4 months ago) had my first break up, and it has left me in shattered pieces. I loved him so much. he is now dating, and I am having these sharp pains in my chest, I am nauseous all day, my entire body aches, my hormones are all over the place. I have even started to get nightmares where he would kill me, stab me over and over again, and hug me, telling me it will be alright.I cannot bear the pain anymore. I tried to use online therapy since my parents will not allow actual professional help, and I chickened out. I am just so scared if they will find out, and god knows what will happen then. I am not even sure if I should post this...I feel like I am whining for no reason at all I do not want to die, I am so scared, I am scared of everything",Suicidal +17645,So I am inly 1 year into highschool and i already want to end it. My best friends (which are girls btw) have had multiple biyfriends since I have known them and I have i one girlfriend and i ciuldt keep her for a month without her cheating on my worthless ass. Nobody cares anymore. I cannot even talk to my friends about it without getting baker acted and being stuck in a psych ward for 4 days whuch did nothing. I am honestly thinking about getting the gun from downstairs and just ending it rn. I just... I need a way out. I cannot anymore...,Suicidal +17646,To start off I used to be a really fucking depressing person where I always selfharm and thought about suicide. Around 6 months ago I met my amazing bf who is truly a catch but hes been making me really sad lately. When we started dating I was so happy and felt like I was in a romantic movie until things started happening. Each time something went wrong with us I started getting more and more depressed which I try not showing. I am getting to the point of cutting and maybe suicide. I do not feel like I am enough and since I am a drop out and do not have anything that I am currently doing with my life what is the point even living for someone who does not respect the boundaries or even respect me. I know people would say break up with him but I cannot I am too in love and if I do I really feel like Ill have nothing to live for. He has not cheated on me if some of you are wondering its just other things that Ill rather not share I am starting to go though what I did before..,Depression +17647,"My whole family and friends know I want to end my own life. I love them to death and they are doing everything in their power to keep mee happy in alive but sometimes it just feels like sometimes it just feels like I am being talked to like a baby and it makes me feel worse and worse anyone else experience this? Sorry for typos, lot of drugs in system do not baby me",Suicidal +17648,"Iam a 57 year old male race does not matter. For many many years I have been a big advocate of NON-SUICIDE. I would see someone on the news somewhere in the world had committed suicide, and I would always say what could possibly gone so wrong in your life that would make you want to kill yourself ? Well my question was answered on june 2 2020 when my wife of 25 years died. then i fully understood why you would want to end your own life. She was my purpose in life and after she died I had no purpose anymore, why even get out of bed ? Then about a week or so after her death a new purpose to live found me. It was about 700 am and the dog which never jumps up on the bed jumped up on the bed and just stated licking my face like no tomorrow , at that moment I knew what my purpose was. It was to give my dog the best dog life ever. She only eats organic Turkey, she only drinks either VOSS or EVAIN water. I take her for a walk or we go to the dog park at least once a day. No matter how tired, in the evening I am I always have time for her, she is spoiled rotten. I think we need each other.. One last thing she sleeps in the bed every night now. and I do not have thoughts of killing myself anymore. ADVOCATE OF NON-SUICIDE",Suicidal +17649,"In always left and forgotten and I hate it, people say it gets better but I found out over three years it really does not and evertime I got my hopes up it ended terribly. Right now I do not have much to write just wanted to write it in hopes of feeling a little better but it will not matter soon. Possible finale goodbye",Suicidal +17650,"I do not know how to describe myself/situation. You always hear ""It will get better"" ""Time will heal"" ""you will get through this"" ""Think positive"" ""you will look back and laugh on this"" ""Just hang in there."" To me... no. I have a mind like no other's(I believe). I am kind of crazy. I am pretty hopeless and tbh... a lost because. Another tbh, I am not looking to be a victim or an attention seeker. I am just trying to be blunt and honest. I am scared 24'7. Of real things, fake things, rational&irrational things, things that can happen, will happen, cannot happen, might happen, may never happen, will not happen, etc. I make up scenarios in my head. Literally out of the blue. Random ass made up scenarios and next thing you know I am depressed as hell and in a full blown panic attack. *I do not do drugs* in fact, I am scared of meds. kind of like a conspiracy theory. ""Like oh you are gunna take this med to either not fix or temp fix a problem only to later find out it caused cancer or organ failure."" See, crazy right? I cannot live life and never have been able to. Is this person staring at me? Making fun of me? it is absurd. I am a grown ass adult and cannot stop. cannot leave the house or I get the shits from anxiety. Scared I will fuck up any job. I have PTSD. Had an awful abusive(in every way) childhood. Literally ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD. Now I am being divorced. The one person I had in life... the one whom made me whole. it is my fault and I will not even go into detail. All I need to say is I do not want to die... but I do not want to carry on. This pain... this hurt. it is too much. It is not new. it is ongoing but this divorce is the straw that broke the camels back. I want to live or I would not be on here. Talking does not help. I am kind of doomed. People try to me helpful and inspirational and it does not help. I hate to say it but it does not help. I wish it did but it does not. I know the ""Get help. Seek medical care. Seek meds."" Etc is coming. do not think I have not tried all that? I have been on meds all of my life until around 2013. Had numerous mental health professionals I have seen and even voluntarily went to a mental facility. Again the ""I am sure meds will help you just have not got the right one"" is coming... I know it. Or the ""why are you here if you shut everything out?"" Look, I do not know why I am here. Maybe to let it all out for once... Idk. Or maybe someone else will see this and realize they are not alone. Idk. I miss my wife. I will never(facts) love anyone else. I made a promise when I married her. Marriage is not something I want again unless blessed with a 2nd chance with her. I do not want anything else. Marriage to me is a one time thing. it is my fault(2nd time I am saying it.. I know)and I am just hurt. I know my mistakes... just too late. She could just look at me and I was better. Whatever mood/feeling I was having BOOM better. I have lost 20+lbs and that is someone who was trying to lose weight numerous ways for awhileeee and could not. I cannot hardly eat or do any other necessity. Can barely even get out of bed. My heart beat is getting funky and it trips me out. Idk what to do. No friends. No one to support me. I do not want anyone knowing we are separating so I have to lie when asked how is you and so and so? Or where is the wife? Dude it hurts so bad. I was depressed before she left. This was just my biggest fear I never thought would happen. I cannot just call a friend up as I have none. Idk what else to say. Depression/suicide/Post longer than intended.",Suicidal +17651,"I have never really figured out how exactly i would do it, but now i have a house with an actual garage, and I am realizing that i could do the whole carbon monoxide thing. from what i can tell that is generally the least painful way i could go, with little in the way of hiccups. i do not have a time in place just yet, as i have a package a friend needs me to deliver, but I am feeling like maybe after i fulfill that promise. I will be cutting ties with said friend, and he is basically the only person i talk to regularly at this point. I would be leaving behind a family that is already miserable, which is about the only thing I would put it off for at this time.idk, i hear about the complications with literally any other method, but never about this one, so that makes me wonder why people do not talk about it as much. the only problem i can really foresee is that I will have to do it in the day time, but the neighbors keep to themselves so i do not think they will really notice. are there any other issues with this method? i think i have a plan",Suicidal +17652,I been gone for a while but life is back up to its bull shit I am so tired of being alive the curse of life continues I am back,Suicidal +17653,Curious to know if it will make me sick What will happen if I take 10 antidepressants ?,Depression +17654,"I have been struggling with severe depression for almost a decade. I think its finally time that I close the curtain. I have already been shopping for parting gifts for all of my friends and family and am writing up how Id like to be buried etc. I just wanted to ask if anyone had some funny jokes or wise words before I try to leave. I am very tired and no longer can take what the world has to offer. I would like positive memories before I go. Thank you. : ) Hopefully finally leaving in a few days, would like jokes, words of advice, etc before I end it",Suicidal +17655,"That emptiness which cannot be filled. That which will never be. Being here alone and depressed I have come to realize Most of my friends are not real friends and the few real friends I have I am too afraid to talk to. I doubt they will miss me when I am gone. I am ready to go, at anytime, anyplace. When you wake up everyday, empty inside.",Suicidal +17656,One day everyone that loves me will forget about me and one I will just kill myself. It has been in my mind for a while I just wanted to write this. I am that guy that gets left behind and forgotten,Suicidal +17657,I am so so tired and i do not even know why M tired,Depression +17658,"Forgive me for writing such a low quality post, i do not even have the motivation to write this post.I suffered from physical and mental abuse, neglect, bullying, constant criticizing and yelling, body shaming etc as a child. Currently suffering from depression, extreme loneliness, suicidal thoughts.I have never felt loved my entire life. I am still alone. I have nobody rn.Please do not give me any advices. Plz do not tell me what to do.Instead tell me that you love me and you care about me and that everything's going to be okay. I know you do not know me but please appreciate me and say something good about me. Tell me that you want to hug me rn. Tell me that my feelings do matter. Plz do not leave me like this, i feel so alone and scared rn. Can you plz love and appreciate me, I feel so alone",Depression +17659,"I am tired. I have tried so many medications over the last 7 years or so. Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin, abilify, Effexor, lexapro, Lamictal, buspirone. Probably others I forgot. Combinations of all of them. Starting from the lowest dose to the highest of each. None of them have worked. The answer is that if nothing works, I just have to suffer. I know that. But it hurts so bad. What happens when medicine does not work?",Depression +17660,"Hello!I posted a bit ago talking about wanting to commit suicide to help my family. I wanted to give an update.Well, we still do not know if law enforcement is going to be involved, but removing all electronic devices from my son, as well as several sessions of trying to explain to him how his reckless actions may have affected his father and I, I think we are making some small progress. Baby steps.Son has been very polite, obedient, and just the picture of perfect behavior. that is nothing new for when he gets in major trouble.What IS new is the apologies. Sincere sounding apologies for a he has done wrong, with promises of better behavior. And so far, that is what we have gotten. MUCH better (but not perfect) behavior, seeming to br trying to be the perfect kid.How on earth do I trust that?How on earth do I NOT trust that?He says he 100% understands that we do not trust him.How could we after 2-3 years of constant lies?I want to believe my son. I want to believe IN my son. I want to spoil the ever loving shit out of him. He is my entire world.And yet, when his walk with the dog lasts longer than it is normal 30 minutes, I cannot help but wonder which of his friends is giving him Internet access.How the hell do I ever trust him again? How do I stop my heart from breaking every single day? Wanted to update everyone",Suicidal +17661,I thought getting a girl would help me feel better but it did not. I want to end my life so bad.. but I am scared of death... I have tried everything,Suicidal +17662,Please let me know how to close the deal with the most of painless way. How to die peacefully?,Suicidal +17663,I cut my sister out of a noose earlier. She asked me to put it where she could not get it I tied the rope to a tree and made her show me she could not reach. She got a chair and hung herself they got a small pulse she is fighting for her life a 50/50 shot she makes it Not sure this is the right place.. but I really need to say this,Suicidal +17664,I am having a bad night and it feels like there is no end in sight..I wish I had people I could talk to there is nothing interesting about this,Depression +17665,"I know it help you alot if you see a therapist but not all have the money to do that, not all is capable to see a therapist if they needed to. I always want to see a therapist because I also have anxiety. Its easier maybe if we can afford to live a normal life without struggling financially. Me and my three siblings are still studying and living with my parents house, my parents work abroad because they receive more salary than here in our country but still its not enough to live a stable life. I also told my parents about my depression and anxiety but my mother think that I am just an attention seeker so I never tell anyone about it again. I just hope that I am living where my problem can solve easily, without struggling if I want to live the life that was given to me anymore. ""Just see a therapist""",Depression +17666,"My parents are going out of town in 3 weeks and I think I know what to do;To all my friends I love you you were so good to me. I am sorry I cannot stay. To my parents, I will not do it in the house do not worry I love you both. To my brother thank you for listening when no one would. Plan",Suicidal +17667,"Things will only get harder, the only logical way to get rid of the pain of bit living up to people's standers is to just end it all. Life is too Hard, why would you want to live past 20?",Suicidal +17668,"Had a friend attempt suicide twice. Not to be mean or anything but they sent a cry for help the first time found them and got them to the hospital. Second time they were found by their parents. Feels more attention seeking in my perspective. do not get me wrong I know they need help. But I live with on my own with my boyfriend. But have been considering it lately. The saddest part is I know how to do it successfully because the nights I am left alone, I am alone for a while. do not have many ppl to reach out that would respond immediately. Too ashamed to talk to anyone I know about it. I am just scared. In need of a support system I feel like I am out of options. Work and my dog are the only things keeping me alive right now. Ledging",Suicidal +17669,"Its just been a rough 7 years of just being on the edge. At first it was easy, I felt like the promises to my friends would be enough. then the thoughts kept coming and Id try to handle it. Each time it wore on me and I think along the way I just felt or feel broken. Toxic relationships to toxic people have been my teachings from my parents down to me. I know I should not ponder the past too much but fuck it sucks trying not to be something and just end up in that spot and ruin everything that could be my salvation. I have tried to kill myself a couple times coming close to, too intoxicated, or getting talked out of it. My biggest fear was getting forgotten. Currently though I feel the tether to these promises thinning. I am tired of fighting it, I am exhausted. If there is a afterlife I hope its like floating in ocean null of emotion. Idek if these are valid thoughts because I held this in. I just want some peace Bad spot",Suicidal +17670,The more I think about it the more I want it. The more logical it seems. The more it seems like the right thing to do. The only thing to do. I will never be happy and I cannot have what I want most. Death is my best option. I do not want to compromise my happiness. Fuck that. The more I think.,Suicidal +17671,"cannot get back what was taken, you know? what am i fighting for? it is pointless, ya?",Suicidal +17672,"Its like I am chasing a dream that can never be. Worst part is I thought I might have found someone but then COVID came along and after months of lockdown it got completely ruined. Its not even like I want a relationship or anything I mean sure it would be nice, I just need someone. Why is it so hard to find anyone?",Suicidal +17673,"They told me to go here, and then you would not help me! So, where do I get help? I already tried crisis lines. It seems like you all want me to shut up and die. Maybe not? If you do not want me to die THEN GIVE ME REAL SUPPORT. post deleted from r/talktherapy, then locked here, how do I get real help?",Suicidal +17674,"I am the child of one of the most affluent families in utah. my family owns half of the state and most of the mormon church. my mother is suicidal, bordering on homicidal frequently. (not uncommon for the mormon church.) i do not know what to do anymore. I am broken. who even knows why people do what they do, but most mormons are suicidal at the least. i do not know what to do anymore. the church has fucked me up irreparably. how do i save myself? affluent families",Suicidal +17675,"Last night, she said she want to break up with me, and nothing i can do now, I am going to die tomorrow My girlfriend left and i feel like nothing in this world is more important than her, i really want to die guys",Suicidal +17676,I really need a new one. Honestly I probably need to go to a treatment program but I cannot even validate that for myself and there is no one to force me so. Its just so much to find the right one and god the phone calls. I cannot do the phone calls. I so wish I had a parent who would call for me n but that is just not my life : (. I also have a billion other phone calls I have been needing to make for weeks about other medical stuff but I just have not gotten thereIm doing really bad my meds stopped working two months ago and I quit my job and my mood is a rollercoaster throughout the day even though I do nothing but sit in my room. But does it matter. I do not even want to be happy. I am just fishing around for validation and attention. I cannot find the want for me to be happy in me so I search and hope for it in someone else. Fukin save me complex. cannot force myself to find a new therapist. / make phone calls,Depression +17677,"My coworkers and friends think I actively practice boxing/kickboxing.... but these black eyes, cuts, and lumpy forehead are from punching myself in the face. The Boxing Lie",Suicidal +17678,"I am so sick of having the same conversation over and over. everytime i try opening up to her she always tries to fix all my issues instead of just fucking listening, and then she wonders why i do not come talk to her anymore. I am not going to you for solutions or to be lectured, i just need someone to actually fucking listen for once. if you really cared and really wanted the best for me you would stop focusing so much on my fucking phone and actually listen to what I am telling you. I. NEED. FUCKING. HELP. i do not need my phone taken away and i do not need to be yelled at. I am so fed up w this bullshit and i wish parents would stop assuming they know everything cuz they do not and its fucking tiring. my mother thinks that my phone is causing my depression",Suicidal +17679,"I cannot do it, everything hurts so much. My dad has told me to kill myself while he was angry before. And my mom ignores anything emotional and will ignore me if i feel bad. When i told them i wanted to kill myself a month ago they screamed at me. I do not feel comfortable telling my friends. I do not want to die, but my dad makes my life so awful. I feel like I cannot wait it out until i have enough money to leave him. I think i just want som1 to tell me to keep going. pls help",Suicidal +17680,I went through a breakup and family problems right after and it seriously sent me on a downward spiral. If I knew how to step back and re evaluate my life I would of saved myself from so much harm. do not keep pushing forward in ways that are not working for you. I took on far more then I thought I could handle when I was younger. Step back re evaluate your life. Your friendships. And yourself. The truth can be painful but it can save you from repeating the same mistakes and causing more damage to yourself and others. The downward spiral of depression is worse then the depression was in the first place,Depression +17681,"Recently, I realized my depression stems from life being a never-ending cycle of having to... always do things. The laundry is never permanently done. Every time I wash my hair and get it nicely styled I will have to wash it and try to get it looking nice again. And again. And again. Every time I finish a project for work there will be another one. I always have to eat (would not it be great if I did not need to? Either I forget to eat, do not have the energy to eat, or I eat too much). Every time I lose weight I gain it again and I will have to work super hard to lose it again. Every time my face clears up my period comes around and I get another breakout again (and then spend too much money on makeup to cover it up, which also does not help my skin). I excelled in school, but I was always in this mindset of ""I just need to get through this \_\_\_ and everything will be great."" Fill the blank in with whatever you would like--semester, project, shift, day, hour, diet. I was only ever powering through things then, and slowly, I got worse and worse at doing that and started missing deadlines and not taking care of myself (going to bed without brushing my teeth, skipping showering because I was running late and feeling gross all day, etc.) I chalked it up to Senioritis. ""Oh, I am just a bit burnt out, I will gain my productivity back after I have a bit of a break."" However, that Senioritis has NOT gone away, and now I am out of school constantly sending ""So sorry I am behind on this..."" emails because I cannot keep up with work at all. I self-impose deadlines only to miss them. I have others put deadlines on me only to not hit them. And it is not because I am busy. I am not. I graduated with my MA in December and I cannot seem to land a full time gig with it or even get a chance to interview anywhere. I am not qualified enough for a lot of jobs (I am, like, half qualified) and that makes me terrified to apply for fear of looking stupid or--what if I get the job and then I do a bad job and destroy future career prospects? Currently, I am freelancing and doing part time work but I am not making enough to move out of my parents house and that only makes doing the work I am doing now feel all the more useless and makes me procrastinate even more. I am letting people down. That used to be the worst case scenario for me, but now I seem to have moved past that into full apathy. I am just letting my professional self that I worked so hard to build in school fall apart entirely because I cannot find the will to do more than drag myself out of bed at like noon (I work remotely) and force myself to eat something. Just responding to a simple email is the biggest win I have had in months and whenever I do manage to force myself to finish something I feel like death after--sucked of all energy and life with a raging headache. God, life is just so exhausting and there is no excuse for it other than I do not want to go on and do not have the energy to do so. ""I think I may be a bit suicidal"" is the scariest thing I have said aloud to my mom, and I think I freaked her out. I am only 24 and I wish my life was over despite everything being amazing on paper up until this point. What has happened to me? It used to feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel but now I think it is just a never ending tunnel. There is no end. Just death. But at the same time I have so much I want to achieve and see and do. My creativity is actually something I think I have managed to gain back after years of school punching that out of me, but you do not get paid for being able to doodle or write the occasional story. I do think that my small personal projects with no deadlines and no eyes on them but mine are the only thing keeping me going right now, but even THAT feels like work half the time. I say I love writing, but that is not true. I love having written. I do not like the doing, just the ""have done"" feeling where I get the satisfaction of completing the thing and it being good. But is it even worth the work for that rush? I do not even know what to think anymore. I am just done. 2021 is half way over and I have done nothing with it. I started the year off in a bad place and it has gotten only worse, not better. No progress whatsoever. Life is just doing things",Depression +17682,"My thought process into getting a feathered friend was that I would care and love for such a small thing, by doing so I would receive that love back. It made it worse somehow?? What the fuck, I wanted him so bad I could not think of anything else. Now I have him and I feel trapped and I feel lonley and I have no body but my family who does not and will not understand how I feel, ever. I thought a parrot would somehow fill this void? What the fuck? Something is wrong with me lol, very wrong and I feel the need to help anyone and everyone! Everyone but my damn self. I cried today, do not do that often, because I took my bird, Emmet, away from the one thing she new, and that was family. What the fuck is wrong with me. I hate myself and will never like myself. I feel stuck all the time, sad for no reason and I am a sensitive little bitch. Fuck. Me. And fuck this banter that makes zero sense. Why does the thought of having to get my act together, make actual friends and deal with the world make me want to DIE. FUCKING BULLSHIT. Hi, I just got a cockatiel thought it would help me?",Suicidal +17683,Sorry I am dealing with depression and anxiety right now while at work. I want to look forward to the future but at the moment I am just looking forward to going back to bed so no one can see me cry. In general what are you looking forward to in your life? What do you guys look forward to? (Serious),Depression +17684,Some days i love life some days i want to die and i also feel guilty every time I am sad and think its my own fault even tho its not and its trauma. I just feel weak sometimes ugh i do not even feel like talking about my emotions bc i feel so annoying but they are so fucking intense and sometimes i just want to die and sometimes I am so happy for life is this normal or like something worse idk and I have never done well with psychiatrists because i do not talk enough but that is because i just cannot like to a stranger no i cannot but then ill ober share about random shit but not the real shit going through my brain. I feel like I am begging for help to my family and friends but no one notices but also its not their problem everyone has problems so its fine I am just like FUCK am i bipolar,Depression +17685,i do not want to actually kill myself but i just wish i was never born you know i wish i was unconscious like how it was before i was born idk I am only sixteen and i have a good enough life so i feel bad for feeling like this but idk i just wish i did not have to keep living its so exhausting constantly hating myself i hate myself and wish i never existed,Suicidal +17686,"Since I was maybe 16 or 17 everyone kept asking when I am getting a job and what not. Yes I get it I am in college and I need to pay off loans nd shit. But look at it from my pov. I did not have the right equipment till now. Now that I do I have no motivation to even do what I want in life. It never ends with them. I am just trying to make myself feel better but they keep asking every fucking time we see each other. I just want a summer to myself without it. They call me lazy and it hurts. Physically yeah sure ill agree. But when I am working on projects I am 100% doing my work. No sleep, all panick, get depressed do not eat work go to class repeat. I do not ever get to just really relax and not feel like shit mentally. To everyone elses pov they think I am slacking off vegging out or being lazy. If you think I am that lazy then why am I in college constantly panicking about getting shit done. I am already having a hard year I do not need this. It just makes me want to lay in the street and wait to get crushed. I already cannot get out another loan when I am a year and a half left. I am trying to let go but everyone is making it harder on me. I try pleasing everyone else but myself. For once this summer I wanted to without feeling guilty. But yet I cannot have that either. It was going great at first when I came home but now its mid july and I feel like shit twice as much. I hate everything and just want to be left alone Just leave me alone",Depression +17687,I just want to end it all but i feel so guilty bc it will hurt my family. I wish they could understand what I need and help (or atleast allow me to) get it. I do not even want to die I would just rather die than keep living like THIS and my parents will not let me get out of it so all i have now is suicide but idk how to do it without getting caught and taken to the hospital. I do not even mind the depression all that much I just need to change my fuckin situation a bit and my parents are in the way. The only thing stopping me is guilt and timing,Suicidal +17688,"Tomorrow is the only day off I have for the next two weeks so I am drinking as an excuse for the roller coaster of emotions I am going to have working 10 hours a day. I am an introvert, so my only hobbies are video games, manga, anime and cute animals Working full time and coming home just to be lonely is the worst because I am usually uncomfortable with rl friends/ coworkers Would anyone like to talk? My depression is bad again",Depression +17689,"does anyone else constantly make commitments or plans in the heat of a good day and then when you actually have to do it realize how much energy it is going to take and the regret kicks in?i volunteered to help little kids put on a musical and it is everyday this coming week from 9am-4pm and even later for the show on friday. and i have work right after 2 or 3 of those days. i was really happy and excited when i joined on like a month ago, but my mental health has taken a sharp decline and I am swiftly falling into a depressive episode. and now i just cannot imagine doing that this week. i cannot sleep because i cannot stop thinking about everything in my life that is going wrong and i literally just want to sob and sleep forever thinking about this coming week.i do this all the time, why!!!! making commitments you know you will barely have the energy to go through with",Depression +17690,"college applications may be one of the stupidest reasons to commit over, but I have no other options. it hit me today that i either do it now or later, after the schools reject me, so why wait i guess. besides, i cannot say I have ever really seen myself living past 18 anyways. the only drawback is that the method is not instantaneous, but i do not envision myself backing out this time. this subreddits helped me feel less alone these past few months, but it is not enough anymore. take care guys college apps suck",Suicidal +17691,it is been a year and I do not think I ever have gotten something in equal to my efforts. It always lesser. And this is not a high expectation problem. People around me who are literally cheating their way through everything are getting better than I am. To roll back I do not think this a problem in the last year only. I always have it worse. it is like I do not have any luck or good things left in my life.it is easier to end such a life than live through one. I never get what I deserve,Suicidal +17692,"I feel like part of me knows that I could have a happy/decent life, but at the same time I know I cannot get to that point without a lot of struggling so I really want to just die. I have had suicidal thoughts before but its been very strong for the past 4-5 months. I thought I would tell my parents to see if they could help me instead they screamed at me, told me to shut up and said that they do all the work and provide for me so i should be happy. That was a month ago and they never mentioned it again. Now I feel like I have another reason to die just to spite them (ik that is a stupid reason but its adding to the motivators). idek its really hard to cut myself with a knife ( i did do it in the past, but it took a lot of strength and then someone grabbed the knife from me b4 I could cut all the way into the artery, instead i had a bloody cut on the side of my wrist). irdk what to do or how to make myself feel better. Maybe if I am given enough time I will have the strength and courage to cut hard again. IDK DEATH SOUNDS GOOD",Suicidal +17693,"I just wanted to tell all of you that you are wonderful. I will be okay please do not worry I just need somewhere to vent right now. I am sure Ill be fine in the morning when I wake up but right now its not. I know I should close my eyes and go to sleep but Id rather stay awake and think of everything that is wrong in life, in the world. So here I go, closing my eyes as I cry myself to sleep for just one more night of many to come. I just wish I was not so alone. For me Its worse feeling alone when you know you have people you can talk to. Goodnight you beautiful human beings. I love each and every one of you. I am not okay",Suicidal +17694,"I am stuck and I do not know how to get out. I need about $1000 this weekend to pay back several financial obligations, but everything I have tried to make money has not worked. My dream has been to work for myself and live off my own business, but nobody is interested in anything I do. Now I owe all this money; how am I supposed to make it? I do not have a job or an income even so I keep getting rejected for loans. I have been relying on my abusive relatives for financial support these last few months, but talking to them makes me feel sick. Now I am in this hole and I cannot get myself out.there is so many reasons why I ended up in this situation. I am so exhausted. My life since Feb 2020 has been too much; absolute hell. I worked at a hospital for a brief period of time just to save money to move out of my abusive mother's house, but I hated being employed and as soon as I had just barely enough, I took all that money and flew out of town.I have struggled every day since. I have starved so much over these last few months, I have lost a lot of weight. I am at my limit. Does anybody have an ideas? Can anybody help me?I try asking for help, but I feel like I am screaming into a void. Thanks for reading this today Slowly Sinking, Help, I cannot Breathe",Suicidal +17695,And she was dumber than me in high school. What the fuck am I doing with my life. I can barely make it through undergraduate. Now I want to stay alive just so I can beat her ass. But I am pretty sure I would get rejected cuz life is cruel that way. I feel like a piece of shit cuz my bully got into a top ten law school,Suicidal +17696,This week I was scheduled for an elective procedure. I ended up being dumb asf because I told the nurse the truth about me being suicidal. Told the truth because I was going to see a psychiatrist today and did not want there to be conflicting data. Ended up getting threatened to be sent to the ER. I did not want to go because it costs money to be transported and admitted to the psych ward. I downplayed it to avoid that. Why am I depressed? I am a lazy sack of shit. I am a privileged dumb fk. My family has supported me yet I cannot produce results. I have stopped trying and manipulativg everyone. I use suicidality as a fantasy defense mechanism. I am in student loan debt and on the verge of dropping out of college. Literally am a loser compared to all of you who actually have jobs and a personality. I have posted on here frequently and am ashamed how often I rant about wanting to die. I have the opportunity now but do not want to actually commit the act. I am scared of failing and guilty of what happens after attempting. I want a full proof and painless way but that does not exist. TLDR: I suck and Dumb. Family is too good to me. I do not want to improve. I egg myself to yeet out of here but will not actually do it. I have issues. Recap,Suicidal +17697,"\* I am not sure if it belongs in this subreddit. Sorry if not\*I recently become unemployed. I apply for 100s of jobs, go to interviews and so on and so forth. Some went well, other not so much. I also did a couple of mock interview, and the most common criticism that I received was that I was not smiling enough. It kind of provoked some philosophical thoughts in me, because ""smiling"" is expected not just during interviews, but also in every customer service jobs. People who work in such industries have to look and behave happy even when they do not feel like it. They provide happiness on demand in a way, and we, customers, pay to see it. It just made me so sad that the human society devolved into this. We make people smile when they do not feel like it, laugh when they are tired and exhausted, behave as if they enjoy their minimum wage jobs. And we expect them to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY while on the job. I cannot remember the last time I had a frank conversation with someone outside of close family members. I miss good old fashioned authenticity. ""Why so serious?""",Depression +17698,I was so scared at the idea of killing myself for a long time. My wife told me she would be so sad and hurt. I believe her but I also believe I have tried very hard to live in my mind and I cannot anymore. Everyone is so hyped about you not killing yourself because life is so sacred and people love you! Right? Then when you leave the psych ward or you finish the nineteenth million trauma therapy session and everyone feels so good you talked about your little feelings and your on the mend. Why cannot we just admit that this is the more humane option for some? I left a note for my wife in her email. I hope she knows and believes me when I say there is literally nothing she could have done. No one could.The earliest train will inconvenience the least amount of people. God speed. I do not feel bad that I cannot keep going,Suicidal +17699,I tried expressing my feelings today (its my birthday and some things my family did made me feel irrelevant) and i feel like i just ruined it for everyone and should have just kept my mouth shut. I cannot ever do anything right. If i keep the thoughts in they eat at me and if i express them it turns on me. I am tired of not being able to ever just breathe. Why do i feel like such a burden?,Suicidal +17700,so in all my attempts of searching for help or anywhere to even vent i ended up on here i have no idea what is going on with me the last time i remember being happy was 3 years ago I am 25 years old I have 0 emotion anymore i used to be the funny kid who made everyone laugh and enjoyed life and now i do not enjoy anything i have 0 motivation i have a constant fear of death or something bad happening i feel like even on a good day something bad is going to happen I am in therapy which feels good when I am there but when i leave its the same shit i have a girlfriend for a while now who i honestly do not think i even want to be with and i cannot figure out why she does everything for me and the nicest person and beautiful but i for some reason i barley even want to have sex with her or hangout with her people call me i look at the phone and just put it down i do not feel like talking to anyone I am trying to get my career on track but i just have no motivation i think its the girlfriend that is making me feel this way but I am not sure and do not want to be wrong but i also have felt this way about her for a long time now i do not know I am just lost and venting at this point i do not even know where to start,Depression +17701,"I was a depressive alcoholic for the last couple of years, though I was still able to function and work and be responsible enough to get by, when I told my family I was a drunk(East Indian background and traditional) they hoped me well and said they love me but they did not want to associate with me until I got my depression and alcoholism and life in general order because they are embarrassed what my relatives would think if they found out about my issues.They stopped talking to me, my siblings stopped talking to me as well when they found out I was an alcoholic. I never really had many friends in life I can rely on either. I reached out to a few acquaintances but ultimately after a few kind words they stopped talking to me. 2 years later, after extensive therapy and AA work I am better and have a better job, I am more fit and generally happier. I have also had an easier time making friends and getting dates through online apps. However I noticed I still do not trust any of these people, because I always remember deep down when I needed help the most and someone to just talk to, the only help I got was myself, so I am jaded because I do not trust people to be there for me anymore, not when I really need them. I just wanted advice, how do I overcome this cynicism, even therapy has not been helping with it. 27 M that got his depression under wrap after many years but still slightly traumatized and distrustful because the only person that got me through it was me.",Depression +17702,"I have been having suicidal thoughts lately because I have been thinking about the terrible and disgusting things people do and will do. It makes me think, surely the afterlife or even if there is not one could not be this bad. I want to be gone forever",Suicidal +17703,"I have complex ptsd and the reason I have stayed alive these years is to take care of my best friend, who is my dog. His liver is enlarged and we cannot afford chemo, but either way the specialists told us his condition is too poor for him to make an actual difference. Hes not eating anymore and keeps breathing hard. I had planned years ago that when its his time to go, Id grab the needle from the vet and use it on myself before he gets put to sleep, so we can both go. I did not expect him to get to this condition so fast... I assumed Id have 2-3 more years w him. Now I am lucky if I get 2-3 days w him. I just really needed to tell someone. I am scared. I do not think I even need a response. Just needed to write. My best friend and greatest tether to life is dying...confused if I should go too",Suicidal +17704,"I can say without a doubt I hate every individual reading this. I want you to die, I hate the idea of people so much. I hope god all of you get shot. FUCK YOU FUCK ALL FO YOU. Frankly I truly wish that you continue to suffer you pathetic piece of shit. you are a degenerate and deserve nothing and no one I am very angry",Depression +17705,Some people just want to progress but rn I just want to be holding the person I loved and still love so dearly. All I want is to feel that feeling again and it just feels grey without her. Please take me back,Depression +17706,"When the topic is about loneliness and being alone people say ""attractiveness do not matter TOO MUCH"" but they are lying because they do not want to seen like an ""bad"" person.When you change context where they can say what they really think truth comes out. Here is an example i read today on r relationship advice.Post is about a young man getting more fit and his close female friend asking him out. She rejected him before because he was ""ugly"".Some of the comments when you do not look bad saying it in this context but it is true all the time:* ""I feel like physical attraction is a huge part of a relationship. does not really make sense to date someone you are not physically attracted to, but you are right that physicality is a fraction of what makes people right for each other.""* ""Sexual attraction is a MUST.""* "" People keep saying like oh its the confidence difference like dude I got more confident because people were telling me how good I looked when I put on muscle and trim up better. ""* "" it is mostly about looks. Get over it, dude. ""* "" Physical attraction is just important, and generally a prerequisite ""* "" News flash ... Many people who like their partner like them because of how they look. ""* "" Every girl has a filter for physically unattractive men. Luckily you had the only unattractive physical quality that can be easily changed weight. And now you are past her filter. Congratulations. ""These people comes places like this and tell us ""its about your personality."" No it is not. Some of us ugly. that is it.But i believed these people before. I thought ""oh if i improve my personality i can find someone."" Yeah you can improve your personality IF YOU HAVE BIG PROBLEMS. Like really bad habits or addictions that makes your life worse. Examples like that can be really make big changes. But other than that ""improving personality"" do not actually mean anything. it is an empty word. Everyone has different personalities. Having depression is not a personality. it is an health issue and it can be fixed. Depression stops you being you. it is an illness. Doctors literally gives you pills for this. There is no pills for personality.""it is your personality"" is an insult. What do they mean it is our personality ?? They do not even knows us. All of us so different from each other. All of our hobbies and lifestyles are different. Our political view is different. Our views about life and what we want from it is different.These is why sometimes we see people saying ""even bad people have relationships but i do not have any."" They think this and feel bad about themself. They believed the lie. If we look how many people started a relationship it will be LOOKS > PERSONALITY. Always. This is why. it is this easy. What personalities change is how long the relationship will last and what will people experience in this relationship. that is it.Looks come first and THIS IS NOT A BAD THING. it is so much better when you know you are alone because you are ugly. Saying everyone ""it is personality"" is actually the bad thing. Like swear to me or literally punch me in the face. It hurts so much when everyone lie and say ""its personality"". it is like ""it is your finger print. This is why you are lonely :) "" Everyone has different finger print stoooop.I am saying these because i believed this 5 years ago when i was 19. I tried improving my ""personality"". I tried everything these people said to me. Nothing worked. And i find myself having a major depression. I used pills with doctor prescription for 3 years. I lost all my friends. Just now I am becoming healthy again and now i can find friends again too. I asked them about my apperance and most of said ""you are unattractive"" and I LOVE MY FRIENDS because of this. Thank Youu!If you do not have a relationship and want to have one here is what you ACTUALLY SHOULD DO:1. Improve your looks. Make yourself look attractive as much as possible.2. Fix your bad habits. Most of us has bad habits that we do not actually like doing it. Like watching too much tv or playing video games. These can be little lifestyle changes too. Like living in place where you do not like or working in a job you hate. These things are habits too, you do it every day. Try to change this things becasue they supress your personality and emotions.3. Try being more healthy. Mentally and phsycially.4. Dating is NOT a must. do not believe the media and people. You can be happy alone too and your friends. If you want someone try to do not make this your main goal and take it easy. ""Personality matters more."" made me have major depression for 5 years.",Depression +17707,"I do not want to live with my abusive mom anymore. I am 18 but I cannot literally stand on my own because I was forced to live in a strict rules. I do not want to live with my abusive mom anymore. I have two choices. I either kill her or kill myself. I do not want to be a bad person. I want to know what is the least painful and easiest way to commit suicide. (I know some people will come and try to comfort me to prevent suicide. I appreciate that. But, man, think about it. Sometimes, words cannot solve the problems. It will just postpone the problems. And there are moments when you get in troubles and do not get the actual help but comforting words.) What is the least painful and easiest way to commit suicide?",Suicidal +17708,"I do not have depression I just have a bunch of external problems. I wish a car would hit me so everything would just be gone. I started a new relationship with this amazing girl who I have lot in common with by the stress of this new thing school, And other drama make me wish I had the balls to jump off a roof. My mom attempted suicide in front of me back in February and I have been burning the anger and sadness. I drink a lot and I have been smoking weed a lot more than before. Maybe Ill grow a pair and overdose on my dads pills or something. I worry about becoming a addict but I get closer and closer everyday. I even think like an addict lmao. This is just a bunch of rambling because I am pretty drunk and I do not open up when I am sober. I hope you are all having a pleasant evening :) I wish I would get hit by a car",Depression +17709,"I just lost a friend of my suicidal thoughts are coming back. I have a bottle of pills and I will kill myself. Goodbye and have a good life I have had suicidal thoughts before, and they are all coming back to me",Suicidal +17710,I might as well kill myself sooner I cannot fucking take it living another stupid worthless fucking day. I hate being being alive every second that passes by i just meant to claw away at my damn skin until I reach bone. Every single day is just a waste of time and I do not enjoy any second of it. I cannot take it what is the point,Suicidal +17711,"Going out with a bourbon whiskey, talking to some friends beforehand, and trying to have at least a bit of fun beforehandI love you all, but I cannot be saved, goodbye I am doing it tomorrow",Suicidal +17712,"That recurring sentence in my life just basically proves that people do not understand depression.There is nothing you enjoy! that is the whole point! For f\*cks sake... ""Just find the things you enjoy""",Depression +17713,"So I always assumed having thoughts about this was normal. It is not?I think about ending my existence fairly often. Sometimes from a few times a day/week, other times there will be a month gap or so. I thought this was just something everyone deals with regularly.. Thoughts",Suicidal +17714,"i always feel depressed and suicidal but now more than ever. I am currently in a hotel right now and if this window was open i would throw myself off of it. the only thing that has been holding me back was family, i could not bear to think of them crying at my funeral if they care at all. even though my happiness means nothing to me i hate to would of affect others, I am just was not selfish enough. but now i am. the only thing that i can think of is just wanting to die. every mental breakdown i have all i can find myself gasing out is ""why"", ""and i just want to die"". i just need a rope or gun and i can finally leave this disappoint called life. I am 14 and i know that the grammer is wrong i cannot bother to change it i hate this",Suicidal +17715,"i have years of therapy behind me. i have experienced SSRIs. i have done all of the things. i keep doing all of the things.I have observed my place in the world and how i operate. I would like to think i understand my patterns and what really motivates me as a human.when i do not see a future of positivity (joy, contentment, whatever) in my life, i get pretty depressed. I am just trying to be authenticate and real with myself.i can still get degrees. i can continue running long distances and probably break a few records. i can still climb. i can still ski. none of it really seems to matter to me anymore.i can sell all of my assets and drain my bank account and just enjoy the rest of life with what i have.for the last few months, i just want to die. it is a constant struggle. i feel bad thinking about it. i feel bad talking about it. it is exhausting. there is no relief.i have no will to live. i have zero hope. i keep crying.i keep repeating these same thoughts all of the time. no relief",Depression +17716,"I hate telling people about it, you know. I do not want to burden them, then they try to help and i feel even worse. This all just does not make sense to me. How people want to wake up in the morning and keep going live another day.I start senior year soon. I do not know what to do. I never have, just wanted to die really. I have tried before but its scary and I have chickened out or gotten lucky and lived. People close to me only just now found out and they tied to help, i feel so bad i never wanted anyone to know but i let it slip on accident. Hope others are doing well Senior Year",Suicidal +17717,"Solitude, The state of being alone. The last few months I have experienced solitude. I lay in my room 24/7 and the only time I go out in to the world is to practice with my bands. I have a mix of emotions about the way I interact with people. Sometimes I can meet new people and not be scared, nervous or afraid. But most of the time I am to much of a coward to go out and meet new people. Which probably explains why I have been single my whole life. Though I am just 17 I frequently have suicidal thoughts. I used to act on those thoughts and hurt myself bad. Sure back when I was 13 I went through an emo phase and hurt myself for attention. But this is different. Nowadays I really want to die and sometimes I always pick a date to end myself but I am not going to because I would hurt lots of people who care for me. I love everyone too much to end myself sorry if this was concerning I just really needed to get this off my chest. My experience with being lonely",Depression +17718,i do not know what is wrong with me. i can never seem to be happy no matter how hard i try. i feel so incredibly alone. i do not know what I am doing wrong. why do i have no friends? what is wrong with me? i just want to stop feeling so lonely i want to be normal,Suicidal +17719,"Hi Guys,For the last year or so, I have been slowly losing motivation to do anything of worth. I do not want to go to work, I do not want to go to the gym, and if I can, I would remain in bed, within a dark room, and just be on my phone the entire day. I am addicted to it, and the worst of all is that I have no ambition for change. There is a part of me that just wants to continue this lifestyle of staying in bed, and a smaller part of me that just wishes that I can be motivated again. It also feels like I am becoming more and more unmotivated by the day, and thus only digging myself deeper into the grips of an unmotivated mindset. I do not feel depressed or sad, I just feel nothing. I do not care for anything and I do not even want to speak to people. The articles online do not help at ALL, but my psychiatrist recommended that I start taking CymGen 60, but it makes me feel weird when I take it. Does anyone have any experience with this medication? Does it get better? After reading this entire post again, I realize how pathetic I sound, and I do apogize for that. I just do not know what to do and whom to turn to. All advice on how to get out of this deteriorating mindset will be appreciated. Thank you all, and stay safe out there. My lack of motivation is going to destroy my life",Depression +17720,I constantly feel like I am not good enough for anyone or anything. Can someone help me get out of this reality? Need advice,Depression +17721,I am medically underweight I am 22 feelOff the deep end at 20 I feel like my breast are huge when there not I am c 14 they look disgusting on my period as well I feel so fat even at 43kg my lowest was 40kg I cannot eat over 900 calories because it makes me sick to much food for me to eat I am very short as well all my measurements match up I am hourglass shape I still feel fat even though I am the thinnest person in the room what is wrong with my body,Depression +17722,"just let me die, let me rot in hell Another Friday night, drinking again, hoping I just fucking die",Suicidal +17723,"If only the windows were slient and would not wake up family, I would have literally opened them right now and probably fall to my death. Someone told me 7th story is not high enough to guarantee death but I seriously do not care at this point I am going to find a way to open those windows during the day and manage to find an excuse to keep them open till I am ready to kill myself during the night cannot do it during day because ""nooooo that is going to traumatize children that is selfish go kill yourself with pills instead"" ok ill do it at night then when children are supposed to be sleeping Or can i just not wake up tomorrow, let me suffocate in my sleep, please I hate everyone, i wish everyone irl dissapeared, i wish i was alone in this entire world... but that cannot happen after all so I will be the one who dissapears I hav like gazillion mental disorders my mom keeps denying the existence of and my sister keeps telling me to kill myself because she does not think i can do it. lmao guess i need to die to prove them that my problems were real and i will in fact, kill myself Please do not call the cops or some help on me i am legit going to open the window while my mom is answering the door and die if that happens Wishing the windows were not so goddamn loud",Suicidal +17724,"No one actually cares its so depressing, no real friends or anyone to talk to. I feel like such a loser and no ones ever going to like me for me I need someone in my life who is here bc they want to be",Suicidal +17725,Not even people in this forum. Nobody cares about others suffering,Suicidal +17726,"Tried to join the navy, got afraid without my family. Started crying on the way to a medical ship and told the therapist I wanted to kill myself. My whole life I have tried suicide 3 separate times. 2 times I feel were for attention, once I tried to hang myself with an extension chord only to get some purchase on the wall with my feet before I passed out. I went to a bridge and looked over the edge before pussing out. I grew up without a father, and constantly at the butt end of others jokes. I like to be humble but I cannot stand humiliation anymore. I am tired of it. I am tired of being a joke. People think and call me dumb, and weird. I swear I am a decent person. I just want some respect, I do not want a relationship anymore. I have already driven away all but 2 friends. I do not even have a job. I have been putting it off since I got fired 6 months ago. I am a coward. I just wish I could find the courage to kill it before I waste more of our countries resources. No one will ever respect me and I cannot stand humility anymore. Id rather be put down. I hope God grants me this request and just send someone to shoot me or run me over when I am not looking. I am a coward.",Depression +17727,"I am definitely depressed as fuck and I am to pussy to waste my parents time telling them. Its getting worse everyday, I slept for 12 hours today and had 7 hours of screen time. None of my friends invite me anywhere and seeing them on Snapchat makes me even more depressed. Even when I do go out I am not myself which is prob why they do not want to hangout anymore. I thought summer would be great but it fucking sucks and school sucked just as much this year. I want to tell my parents, but I am such a pussy I know I will not. I know everyone is going to say tell your parents, but I literally cannot and I do not want to tell anyone else. I barely have energy to get up and eat food anymore the only thing that makes me go somewhere is my part time job which sucks ass. FML. I wish I could just have fun fuck my life. I want to drink alcohol, but I know that will only make it worse so I just sit in my room playing video games, which I do not even like to do. I am a bitch",Depression +17728,"No more tears to she would or superficial bullshit to worry about, just a memory to everyone else, and hopefully a quickly forgotten one. That sounds lovely. The idea of not waking up tomorrow and this being the end of my consciousness brings me so much peace",Suicidal +17729,"maybe I will come back to watch over them all as an angel. maybe in the next life I will be deserving of love. i ruin everything and everyone and i just want to go home to the sky. maybe I will stop hurting them all. the love of my eternity deserves better than to waste energy on my worthless self. my friends and family do not deserve the burden and I am going to set everyone free.i do not want anyone to follow me wherever i go. I will find my way home someday. for now, I am going to go learn how to fly. maybe tonight. how does it feel to fly?",Suicidal +17730,slit my wrist and end it just been thinking about it for a few days but I just cannot gather the courage to do it I want to just,Suicidal +17731,"that is depression. The world cannot toss and turn you at its leisure forever. Eventually, you will hit a point where you will literally self-decimate. When none of your efforts have any impact whatsoever, when the world just pounds and destroys you for reasons beyond your understanding over and over and over and over, despite the Hurculean energy you exert with every fibre of your being,&#x200B;you give up. There is a limit. There is a point where people just fucking can not tolerate things anymore and will break.",Depression +17732,"I post on here from time to time but I had to make a new account because I found out my bf took my phone and has been reading what I post on here, anyways I feel completely fucking screwed and stuck and I do not have anyone I can tell and I do not know what to do. I am pregnant now with my bfs baby but hes abusive and I have no where to go. what the hell do I do. Everyone thinks hes a great guy so if I leave him everyone is going to turn me away for trying to leave and be on his side. I cannot explain it but I just want to not exist anymore. I feel so trapped. I am screwed",Depression +17733,"I am so close to doing it. i ruined my relationship and I am so desperate. he said he refuses to be himself around me anymore. i already wrote a note and i have enough pills and a knife and tools to do it and I am so close they are so accessible. this is really my final reach out for help because i do not know what to do. i want to die so bad. all i do is fuck it up. its gotten to the point where i cannot do this anymore. i ruin my relationships with everyone around me, i have a self harm addiction, i am too unmotivated to get a job or do anything, i cry at nothing, i hate myself more than anything, and i cannot stand to think ill have to be who i am and go through this and put others through this for many more years. I have always wanted to be a mother but i would only be a bad one. I am a bad sister, bad daughter, bad girlfriend, bad friend. everyone learns to hate me. all ill ever be is a dumb girl who cannot appreciate what she has and wants to die. I am putting others through pain every day i live. the only calm i get is cutting myself open and watching the blood. i do not care about myself. i only care about others. but others can handle themselves. i cannot handle myself. i was not made to be here. whatever weak sperm reached the egg first was defective and should not have made it there. my brain hurts me, i hurt myself, i hurt others. its always been this way. there is no amount of childhood trauma i can blame this on anymore. i just cannot keep doing this. I am not going to live on for 5 minutes of happiness every few months. i cannot do this anymore. nobody cares to see my tears nobody cares to see my pain so why should i care. it would be so easy to just end it all and never come back. i would do it right now but i cannot mess up this trip. my final selfish act. i really really need help please",Suicidal +17734,"I live in the desert. I am tired of this attitude, she can do things but if I do them I am the bad guy. I am just done with this. Different country, different culture. If I compare the attitude ahe takes compared to mine when she did the same shit I am gaslighting now. WFH is killing me and I had to sell my car and now we use only one car. cannot even get a bike cus she freaks put about it. I do not want to seek couple counseling because I am embarrases to talk about why we argue, its the dumbest shit. I am not religious to think Ill go to hell or something. I am just going to walk to the desert and see what happens. I think its going to happen.",Suicidal +17735,"I am back in the hole again. Maybe not as deep, but I am still in it. In the past two weeks, I have thought about suicide more than I have in the past few months. Not committing it, but the act itself. I used to think about doing it a lot. The closest thing I got to harming myself was scratching my arm heavily with a mechanical pencil. Once did it in school. I am recently 17, male. I am a pretty lonely guy, I reckon. My phone is practically mute, no girl has ever laid their eye on me, and I have been treated pretty shitty by a lot of people my age. I have a few friends, not a whole lot, but a few. I see a therapist.The friend group I am in currently came to me in May, and it seemed like salvation. I thought that they were going to be my second coming - my redemption arc. And, for a time, that was true. they are great. We go out, all that jazz, but recently, those same feelings of inadequacy and loneliness that used to fill my life have been creeping in day by day. When I am not around family, the people I see all day, every day, all I want to do is think about these things or numb my mind with movies and books.I am an aspiring screenwriter, and all I write about are these feelings.All I can think now, really, is now what? What do I do with my life? Get a girl, of course. But, wait. No girl has ever liked me. I have never had a kiss. I have been made fun of. I am a fucking failure. Get a job? Tried. The application was refused. Still looking. I know that when I do get a job, it still will not fill that hole in my life with the one million dollar question.Now what?My fascination with suicide continues. My obsessiveness over getting a girl, my grief, goes on, as well. I am just not satisfied with my life. I feel like with each day I fall down into the hole that once consumed me for months on end more and more. it is coming back.",Suicidal +17736,My friends do not invite me to anything anymore and all I do is sit in my room wanting to die. I hate summer and I hate school my friends suck. I just want to sleep. Fml Summer and no friends,Depression +17737,"i often see peole tell other depressed people to ""open up to people they trust"" or ""reach out for help from their loved ones"" but how exactly do i do that. how do i tell my parents that i have been suffering from depression for 2 years now and have been hiding it from them. i do not even know if they will believe me or if they will respond positively. what if they get mad at me for having depressions despite all of the things they provided me such as food and shelter. someone pls tell me how to open up to people about my depression",Depression +17738,I have a job interview tomorrow & I genuinely cannot fucking deal with the stress / anxiety of it anymore.. if there was a way to just kill myself peacefully I would do it in a heartbeat no bullshit. Mentally I am not in a space where I am ready to be working 30+ hours a week.. I am just not. I genuinely just want to die so all my problems no matter the size just go away.. but I will not ever do it because of my family. I genuinely do not know if i have a mental disorder but my mental state is in shambles right now. Please help. Anxiety makes me want to end it,Suicidal +17739,"Depression has ruined my future. I am just now realizing it will be almost impossible for me to go to a good grad school because I have so many Ws on my transcript. I had a depressive episode my spring semester of college. I ended up getting 3 Ws(do not worry, I have more than just 3) on my transcript that semester. I moved states thinking all I needed was a fresh scenery and so I enrolled in community college. At first it was going well. Then I got depressed again and dropped one of the two classes I was in. I stupidly signed up for 4 classes the next semester and ended up getting Ws for all of those classes as well. I have 8 Ws in total. When I was in high school, I made straight As and dreamed of going to a prestigious college. Due to suicidal depression, I did not put as much effort in college applications my senior year. I thought Id be able to redeem myself for grad school but not only do I go to a low ranked state school but I have tons of Ws. You may be thinking college prestige is a hoax but I want to one day be a professor. In academia, the prestige of your college matters a ton. I have to say goodbye to that dream all because I have depression. Even though I am just now getting back on track academically(made straight As in community college). I got rejected from my dream school and now have to say goodbye to my dreams. I am 21. It does not get better. I just want to die so bad. I cut myself really bad a week ago and still have an open wound. I wanted so bad to pierce it through my stomach and slowly bleed out. I do not care about the pain when it comes to Suicide anymore. I deserve it and I hate myself. I cannot do this anymore. I want to kill myself so bad. I hate being alive",Suicidal +17740,"Genuinely just looking for any resources at this point of other survivors that might have some advice for another? I am a 26 year old male who previously survived Hodgkins lymphoma. I have tried talking to professionals in therapy about my mental state, but its always the same answers. My anxiety and overthinking has hit an all time high and I do not feel as though I can speak on the things I am thinking about with the people closest in my life. I cannot tell them because I do not want them to have to deal with my personal struggles and Id rather just keep them out of where my mind lingers. I have had people say its selfish, but the last thing I want is for my issues to fuck up the only good things in my life. Post Cancer Depression",Depression +17741,"The reason I think so is cus I took my vyvanse for the first time in months and my depression instantly lifted. My energy is back, my mood is up, racing thoughts have calmed down and organized, brain fog is less intense, everything just seems better and more stable. It would make sense, cus I have had adhd my whole life and from looking into it it says depression can be a symptom of adhd. So I think my depression may have been caused by my ADHD",Depression +17742,"I just do not feel like I have it in me anymore. Just the constant exhaustion, the loneliness, its all just too much. I am going to check out. Probably today or tomorrow. I just want to not be tired anymore. I have not done anything to warrant a painful death. I am sorry to my friends, I am sorry I did not have the courage to tell them how I felt. I am just so tired. I am ready to go. I am out",Suicidal +17743,"Hi. My friend has clearly stated that they were planning to commit suicide. I do not know them IRL. I have just met them recently because of a post where they were talking about how they wanted to end it all. I am incredibly scared and I have no idea how to help.I would talk to my parents, but they do not know that I have Reddit and they would probably care more about that than the fact that someone was going to fucking die. I do have a counselor that I can talk to, but I am not sure if they would even be able to help.I am not sure what to do from here. If there are any resources I can use to help them, please let me know. My friend needs help",Suicidal +17744,I feel trapped in my body do not want to be alive,Suicidal +17745,Idk what to do. Loud music does not help nothing. I am cutting myself a bit and it kind of helps but Christ I am just FURIOUS SO FUCKING ANGRY I just want to do something severe to myself I am so fucking angry I want to severely hurt myself,Suicidal +17746,I am sort of at the point where I am just tired of putting it off for so long. I am hoping they prescribe me an antidepressant. Never had pills for mental health before. Going to a walk-in clinic for the first time ever this weekend to talk about depression. Anything I should know beforehand?,Depression +17747,"Ill have the house all to myself for 5 days. July 21st to July 26th. I finally gathered everything I need to go through with this, this is literally my only opportunity to do this. I definitely will not miss this chance. Its been a crazy journey though and I appreciate everyone is help throughout my posts My family is going on a 5-day vacation in a few days",Suicidal +17748,I do not want it to get infected! I just hit the fatty part of my arm and sliced the skin apart and I am not sure how to care for it,Suicidal +17749,"I am not prepared to be here. I was so certain, a few years ago, that I would be gone now. Yet here I am. As unintelligent, worthless, pathetic, rude, ineloquent, and awful as I have ever been. Probably more so. Exams and adulthood around the corner.I am the worst person I know. I should not be here. I wanted to be gone already.The self-loathing and panic is indomitable. It keeps pushing at me. I deserve it, anyway. I was not meant to be here today.",Suicidal +17750,"I suffer from severe depression and anxiety for years now. I know I most likely need medication, but the problem is I am a sex worker for a living and I cannot afford to lose my sex drive. I know antidepressants have a side effect of making you not horny, and that is why I have not gotten treatment even though I definitely need at this point, since suicidal ideation is coming into play. Any alternatives or are there antidepressants that do not have that side effect ? Antidepressants and loss of sex drive",Depression +17751,"my boyfriend constantly texts and calls a girl from his job all night. he was all i had and even he is moving on and is bored of me. not even my boyfriend wants to talk to me anymore. no one will ever love me so why should i love myself. i just want to cut myself so deep and lay in the bathtub and just finally be at peace, i cannot take the coney anxiety anymore. i cannot sleep to get away bc of the nightmares. life is hell. I am going tonight",Suicidal +17752,"My head has a massive headache. It has a headache because I started thinking about all the reasons I am depressed, all the things that I am depressed about that are not changeable. When I tell you it is overwhelming, it is. The list just goes on and on nonstop. I am starting to realize I will never be happy, and I am tired of people being disappointed in me. So I decided I will end it. I will get prepared to do so very soon. For now, I will try sleeping as much as possible, preferably 15 hours to prepare for death and to stay away from reality as much as humanly possible. Deciding to actually end it",Suicidal +17753,"I know it will. And I am not happy about it. At all. In fact, I am scared. I do not want it to leave me. I really do not. As horrible as it is, I want it to stay with me. But according to some religious astrology stuff my dad said that 'my problems will leave me' around November. I really do not know if I can wait but I do not want to go to the mental hospital again so what I am going to do is to wait till November or December. If depression does not leave me then I will commit. But if it does, oh well I do not want to think about that. The idea terrifies me. I swear I really do not want Depression to leave me. But all the things that I want to stay leave me one day, and so will depression, unfortunately. But I really, really do not want it to. Depression will leave me",Depression +17754,"If my mom tells me my depression is fake and I am only doing it when things do not go my way just because i do not go out with her other family, what do i do? she is told me that when we went on a two day vacation last week, i did not look or seemed depressed so I must be faking it. An hour ago we when to walk in the park and she asked me if I wanted to go to a water park with my little sisters and i say no thank you, she gave me her usual snarky reply ""well i cannot obligated you to go"" however this time I had enough and i ask her ""why do you always have to give me a reply like that"" ""why cannot you just accept my no and move on"" then she started scolding me and so i walked away so i did not burst into a argument with her like we do everyday and told her I will met her in the car while she finished her lap. When we got in the car she told me that she is done with me and she is not going to talk to me anymore just like my father does (recently moved to my mom's because I was going to attempt suicide at my dad's, however my dad does not know anything about my depression and i do not feel comfortable yet moving back/taking to him about it) as well as telling me that I must have a strong hate for everyone since i cannot co exist with anyone if things do not go my way. She told me I am an awful daughter and that no one will love me because I have so much hate inside of me. And that i do not love her or anyone in this life. And continued telling me that what my feelings are without ever asking me once what my truth feelings are. Then she kept pointing out that I am a ""cabrona"" (bitch in Spanish) and that I am going to fail in life if i do not drastically change myself. I have nothing going for me, i currently do not go to school, do not have a job, and do not have friendsAnd since that is what society values I am basically nothing and a piece of shit and a bitch as my mom says.So suicide seems like my best option since my only option of hope just told me to figure it out because she is not going to be in my life unless i do not make the effort to be a good daughter in her eyes. Last Resort I have no one else",Depression +17755,"Surprisingly, its more because I am not good at anything and when I do try, all I do is get smacked down by others and do even worse then I was doing before. My girlfriend is emotionally numb and I always feel like I am tolerated not enjoyed or liked and all of this. Add on the fact I am serious and get angry and frustrated at myself so easily its making me feel like I am in a tortured cage getting stabbed and poked over and over again by the world for trying to make things better. Being in calls with friends all the time that are not doing anything that I do or want to play with me makes me feel worse but they still want me there. I just hate it all and that the world just feels like its never going to get progressively any better and I am stuck here 14 years old on my bed typing this on a shitty laptop makes me wonder why i try I am so tired of being alive mentally and emotionally",Suicidal +17756,"I feel like I am failing as a dog mom in every way. My depression has been getting worse by the day, and by the time I get home from work everyday I have zero patience or energy to deal with him. My husband and I have only had him for about a month and a half and hes about 9.5 months old. Hes incredibly rowdy, attention-seeking, and a huge sweetheart but I cannot seem to help but be a jerk whenever hes around because I just feel too overwhelmed to be around him. I cannot help but hate when hes under my feet all the time and constantly trying to jump on me or lick anywhere that skin is showing. Were trying to train him and hes progressing rapidly, but I still cannot seem to find any leftover patience.I have always been a dog person. What happened to me?I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel so bad. I love him so much and want him to feel loved. I just do not know what to do. :/ I am a horrible dog mom.",Depression +17757,"No job, living under lockdown for months. I do not think I have the strength to live anymore. Ex international student in the US before. Living back in my home country fucking sucks.",Suicidal +17758,"I take AP classes and am, on paper, a great student; but I absolutely hate school. The second semester of last year I was self-harming and leading a very inconsistent life. I would stay up days at a time just doing work just waiting for it to all be over. I do not have any aspirations for my career and I do not even want to continue school. I do not want to be dependent on my parents forever either, but clearly, I am too worthless and lazy to actually do anything about it. Is this normal to feel at a very low point during Summer break? I just absolutely loathe school but it seems like I have to go in order to just lead only a possibly more comfortable life. Most people, and probably I, will end up in the cycle of working-and-waiting for the next break or end up dependent on others; both of which I am doing now. The future looks dim and adulthood seems like a hopeless, incessant version of what I am dealing with now. I am not sure I can even become a capable adult at this point. I have thought about just ending it all, but I am ready to say goodbye to my family, even if I know I am disappointing them and everyone else by being this way. Does anything get better? Advice for how to deal with the impending doom (of age).",Depression +17759,"it is going to get real, if you cannot handle it best to stop reading now. If you are still here, thank you for taking the time to hear my story. I have had success - lived in the limelight and experienced the fortunes of being the best, or at least 197th out of 16 million. Following a passion so deep, that I gave myself wholly to it, now feeling like a she will. Many great things came from my success, namely respect, knowledge, and power. I have made friends, and lost some in ways I am not proud of. Those who were there for me in the beginning now look at me as a model to challenge to test themselves. ""Can I do this better than him? How does he approach this situation? What tools does he keep at his disposal?"" The constant analysis is not only breaking down my habits, but it is also breaking me down. My success at an early age (22m currently btw) has isolated me from my peers and every attempt in the past 6 years has lead to heartbreak and numbness. I am being pitiful and spoiled, but, even as the robot I am, I have a breaking point. Each day I wake up and it is always ""look how beautiful today is! cannot you just feel how warm the sun is on your skin? Look how blue the skies are or how cute that family of ducks over there is!"" But every night its 2 hours down the interstate in pitch black not being able to see 20 feet infront of me. Melodramatic. it is at this point I ask, what is the point of trudging on if I am never going to reach that 0.01% again, or find someone or something that I can grow with and it with me? I just need this - these thoughts, this negativity, this emptiness- out of my system. I am proud of what I have accomplished, and who I am because of it. I have a luxury that some people go their entire lives without experiencing, and I am greatful for the opportunity. I feel like I have accomplished what I have been set here to do, so now what? it is a minefield",Suicidal +17760,"I am black.I am ugly, or that I fucking think.I am fool.Have no friends.Have a twin (that is really torturing, because it is like you do not have indentity).I feel dead long ago.Everyone around me is better than me.Nothing I do seems to worth.I want to know what is after death.Hate the world, the human race, hate everything.Have no motivations.Have no goals or dreams.I am the most unfortunate/unlucky in this world.Everything's lost. what is the point if always you have been and will be the fucking stain on the wall. I gave it all, I swear, but I have not got what I deserve. Life's like that. You give and effort but nothing matters.Just, it is very hard living the life being me. that is what I feel. And it feels so fucking painful.Also, it is not only me, is the world too. World is rotting more and more. No one can deny that. Life in earth is dying.Also life in earth (human life) is so wrong, bad, damaged, corrupted.I cannot put all of the things that makes me want to die, but in few words, I represent all the hated, I am in the backdoor of the world, the stain, the worst. I do not spect for help nor anything. I know nothing can save me. I just want to put this here. &#x200B;Tell me, after all I told in this post, do you think something worth? I do not believe in heaven or hell after death, but anyway in both places I would live the absolute shit. I am sure I have no hope.",Suicidal +17761,"When I am at my lowest points, food is the only thing that can produce dopamine, the only coping mechanism I have. If I tell people about my depression, I get 10x the number of ""exercise and eat healthy"" comments because of my size. A few years ago I lost 55lbs, got down to my goal weight, and then my depression cycled again (even though I thought I would be happy being at my goal weight) and I gained over 100lbs back. I still think every day that if I had just been happy being a little overweight, then I would not have ruined my body and I would still be able to tie my own damn shoes. Sorry this got pretty fucking bleak. Fat depressed people exist. Overeating is just as common as forgetting to eat, and some people self-medicate with food. It just makes me feel like shit when depression is always portrayed as a skinny person not eating.",Depression +17762,Is there anyone out there to talk to? Numbness,Depression +17763,"I have been in a depressive haze for like a year. (Smoking too much pot every single day is not a great idea!) I had a family member get cancer around the beginning of COVID and it kind of broke me. I was going to therapy and taking meds for a while but neither of those are happening anymore. I have isolated myself from my old friends for so long. I do not even know if they would want to hear from me. I live with my parents, I am unemployed, I have let my bedroom become a huge mess, and now I am 99% sure there is a cockroach nest under my bed. I cannot believe I let it get this bad. I am so ashamed. it is Tremendously Bad!",Depression +17764,I am a 18yr dude. Idk what is wrong with me. I was always fine growing up but in the past year I have changed a ton. I have frequent suicidal thoughts and I get very angry very easy. The other night I got into a small fight with my gf and I waited till she left and punched a wall till my hand broke. Anyone else ever experienced stuff like this? Anything helps. Thank you. I just need some advice.,Depression +17765,"July 17, when the clock hits 12. This is bad. Fuck. it is the end for me i can feel it coming. I am sorry. I am really sorry S. I failed you.",Suicidal +17766,"I feel very guilty. I have expressed my desire to end my life to my mom and I hate that I am putting her through this. I am going to seek help and try to stay alive. I have been poisoning myself with alcohol in order to speed up the process but it did not work. I am not going to end my life and put her through the grief. If there are any parents who have suicidal children or anybody who has personally experienced suicidal ideation, I want to hear from you. Thank you in advance Expressed my intent to kill myself to my mom and...",Suicidal +17767,"People say ask for help, resources are there. I was LahoreBut no that is not true. I live in Canada for fucks sakes and the suicide hotline left me on read. Also, nobody ever considers that maybe some people who want to die do not have. Chemical imbalance. Maybe some of us because pain and suffering to others. Maybe some of us are narcissists, liars and mean. Yet, we still have enough mental capacity to understand the harm we do, and reasonably conclude that suicide is the best option. I am not going to commit suicide because I love the people close to me. I am not going to do it because I do not care about those close to me, and I hate discomfort. And its probably a painful thing to do. Its a bullshit",Suicidal +17768,"Hi there, I would like to know, specially from people who have depression or something like that, how to deal with school. How to study, how to focus, how to create a routine and everything else. It would be really helpful if you could answer, thanks. School and depression",Depression +17769,the pain. the pain is unbearable and its not even physical pain. it feels like I am so far from being happy. I am 16 and my life is already a shit hole. i hate it here so much. i hate my life and i want to die so badly. i guess this is a cry for help. i have no one and nothing. i have a bottle of pills here to take. idk if its enough to kill me but it does not hurt to try right. does it ever stop?,Suicidal +17770,"I envy how other people are able to have friends, how they are not alone every single dayI envy how other people have talent while I cannot do anything and how I always mess everything upI envy how confident other people are when I can barely stand in a proper posture when all I want to do is just hide I envy how other people were able to have a good childhood with a family when I was always stuck at home all day with no one to talk toI envy how other people have goals and accomplishments when I have done nothing with my stupid lifeI know its bad to feel this way but I cannot help it, I do not want to be myself when all I feel is misery. I am envious of everyone",Depression +17771,"My Iife pretty much fell apart today, I have always had tendencies and this is when they come on, when things get really shitty.Tomorrow's a brand new day, I just need to get through tonight. Can I get a little help? I need a little help getting through tonight.",Suicidal +17772,"Because of a crappy childhood, I was always kind of a sad kid. Always mildly depressed, so when the big depression hit when I was around 20, it did not feel anything too out of the ordinary. But I got through it. Went to therapy, got fit, started to like myself, dated often, the whole shebang. I had conquered 20+ years of depression and was on top of the world. But about 2 years ago, a traumatic event happened with the closest friend group, and now I am back here. Feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, the whole package deal. It sucks so much worse now because I had a taste of what happiness really was like. I feel like after going through my first round of therapy, I should have all the tools and knowledge to beat this depressive fog...But it is been 2 years and nothing. Thanks all for reading my rant. The second round of depression sucks.",Depression +17773,"If you want to talk with me just me we can chat Hello, I am here if you want to talk.",Suicidal +17774,"I am a nurse and working at a high volume high stress clinic. I have been seeing some cool things and learning a lot. I was hired 4 weeks ago. In the meantime I suffered a very early term miscarriage and have sunk into a depression. The job, for as cool as it is, is also incredibly stressful. They are months behind on charting and severely understaffed to the point of important tasks slipping through the cracks by all the nurses/staff (referrals, scheduling, phone calls etc). I sat down with the manager to review that I feel overwhelmed at the job and had a full meltdown. The doctor of the clinic came to talk to me while I was crying and he told me he would pay for my psychology visits until I get back on track and reduce my work load. I have no idea why he made such a kind offer, I expected them to say the job would not work out. The manager called me later to check on me and tell me just to take a long weekend, but then she said something that a coworker said about me basically being dead weight if I am going to have special favors and a workload reduction which made me sink even further into a hole. Now I do not want to take the kind offer of the doc to pay for therapy etc, and I just want to quit. I do not want anyone thinking I am a burden or talking crap about me. I cannot face that person after what they said. Idk what to do Had a meltdown at a job I have only been at for 4 weeke",Depression +17775,"From myself, from everyone around me, from any sense of stability, from developing a routine, from any hope of finding consistent joy in life like I used to. I am getting more and more convinced that the longer I am in this place, the more the void feeling compounds itself and becomes a harder web to escape. I feel so overused, yet I cannot remember feeling like I have done anything in months, years maybe. I keep falling into the trap of reasoning away this sense of living without a rudder, but every time I try to outsmart the depression, I end up feeling enraged at circumstances that are out of my control and incapable of handling the things that are. I just made it to another birthday, and the further i get into adulthood, the further i lose faith in the assumption that Ill pull through in the end on even the most modest of my life goals. I feel like I am getting more distant every day.",Depression +17776,It makes me feel numb. it is nice to not feel the crushing sadness I feel every day. I wonder if this will stop me from going through with my plan. I am not sure yet. I have discovered alcohol.,Depression +17777,"I am just a kid in high school but lately over summer break I have not really done anything besides play video games at home and I have not really spoken to friends in like 2 months even when I went to school. Or anyone, besides my parents. I have become a total shut in which feels horrible and every day I just want to throw myself out of my window. what is the point? it is not like I do anything at all, I have crazy social anxiety so going out and speaking to the people i have not spoken to in so long feels daunting, and it seems like they all did not even notice, they continue to have fun with other people while I sit in my room wondering what reason I should not just kill myself if I feel miserable all day anyways. I guess the because of my misery is feeling like I am missing out or being a bad friend by not speaking to anyone but it just feels horrifying to do that, when there is a very easy way out my window where I will not have to even think about anything that stresses me out. Plus my future is terrifying, I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life once I finish high school, and it makes me super anxious. I have never felt this way before so it is just terrifying. do not know why I am feeling like this",Suicidal +17778,Holy shit I am very tempted to overdose. This is not a joke. I am feeling very suicidal..it is scary,Suicidal +17779,"Yesterday I tried to drown myself in my bathtub and I just have no idea what to do anymore. I am supposed to go on a work term to a small town in Alberta, Canada in a month. I do not know if I want to do it anymore. I do not know what I want. I am 24 and I feel so behind, so behind and I cannot catch up. I am doing a second bachelor's in computer science (again, not knowing what the fuck I want out of life). First degree a more or less useless H.BSc in psychology. Kind of have no long term aspirations because I honestly did not think I would make it this far. Thought I would do it by now. Thought I would be dead by 24. Now I am thinking it better happen by 27. I feel like going on this work term and the path I am headed down in general is a literal death sentence. Mostly just because of my extremely poor mental health. So I do not know what I want out of life, and nobody really tells you what the fuck to do after a suicide attempt, and here I am the day after and I am just completely lost. I live alone obviously and I do not know what to do. I feel like I should tell someone so people know the headspace I am in right now but at the same time that seems really detrimental to my goal of dying. What am I supposed to do anymore? Need serious advice",Suicidal +17780,"Its not just un-enjoyable. I feel major depression and I start wondering how ppl pay money to do this. I think about ending my life the entire time. If everything gives me misery and all I can do is lay down in my bed all day, what is the point of living? hobbies are making me depressed",Depression +17781,"TW- Sexual AssualtI SAd my friend and I feel absolutely disgusting, I am not asking for absolution nor does my POV and context of the situation excuse what I did. I am asking what I should do as I cannot live with the fact I did this especially as I was already suicidal.I went out with friends and invited a friend I met on a dating app that I had known previously and was in town visiting, we got drunk and since she drove I told her she could stay at my place, prior to this night I had recently reconnected with friends after disappearing for months during a mental health episode and things looked up for once.This Is where I completely fuck up and I cannot believe I did this. After drinking with some friends at my place we cuddle and put on a movie, we were all over each the entire night prior to being drunk too, she specifically told me she did not want to have sex because she was going through a lot and recently attempted, I genuinely wanted to respect that and not make her uncomfortable so at this time I accepted nothing would happen although I did hope in the back of my head something would. We were cuddling and she told me she would take off her shirt because it was hot, I told her I understand and that I did not want to make her do anything she did not want to (although in the end I did). She then said that that makes her want to do it more (have sex) and I insisted I did not want to make her do anything she is uncomfortable with I should have stopped everything here in retrospect but given I was also intoxicated but its not an excuse. She layed on me and I played with her chest we then told each other some pretty vulnerable stuff like how I am a virgin.She said things like I cannot believe someone as handsome and amazing as you has not been with anyone etc. I told her I have a lot of trauma that made me shy around girls. I am not entirely sure what happened next but we made out a little and she ended up laying over my legs on her stomach I assumed she wanted to watch the movie. I began touching her more aggressively and took off her underwear the entire time I did not realize she was passed out asleep I thought she may have closed her eyes because as I touched her more intimately (but never putting anything inside her) she started to breath heavier. In hindsight should have not took this as consent. I stopped to get up, and saw her eyes were closed so I put a blanket over her it still did not click what I had done.She then asked a couple seconds after tucking her in why she had no underwear. I immediately realized what I had done was not consensual I started to apologize the best I could while intoxicated. But she was still half asleep. After apologizing profusely and waking her up she became very empathetic telling me that it was okay and she will not tell anyone and that I did not know she was asleep. I tried to tell her that it does not matter what I did was fucked up but somehow ended up with her embracing me and encouraging me to talk about the trauma I mentioned to her earlier so I did it was weirdly therapeutic and I was so confused because I just did something horrible to her.She ended up sobering up and to my protest she drove and I bought her food and told her how sorry I was agin and if there was anything I can do let me know before she dropped me back at my place. I stupidly texted her after not sleeping at all that She should let me take her on a proper date because she said she wanted to see each other before she left town I know I am a stupid idiot but I texted her that, she obviously declined and I knew she felt differently than when it initially what happened as she was probably sobering up and processing what happened.I told her I understand and that it was selfish of me to ask. She then sent me a longer text later in the day and it was that she felt violated and that I took advantage of her which I absolutely did. Despite that She told me that she genuinely thinks I am a good friend and hopes I thrive one day and get help but that she has to block me for her own mental health. I replied with a really long apology that I hope was sincere and understanding but it did not go through as I was expecting.I am not sure what to do now I have been a mess the entire day, I feel so fucking horrible for what I did its eating me alive. I was already pretty suicidal and had a really bad view on myself but I am not sure how I can move forward from this as I feel I do not deserve to. I did something I cannot forgive myself for and Ibe already been Suicidal for a while. NSFW",Suicidal +17782,"that was ten years ago. i should have done it. i had no plans for college, no family support, no friends. I still have none of those things. I have a shit husband who only takes me from granted, 2 kids who do not even care when I am not around, no friends still, just coworkers who love that i make their lives easier. a bunch of people only interested in me because of my face and body, but not in my personality. a bunch of other people who just ghosted me, never even told me what i did wrong. i have meds that do not work because they fix my brain but not the problem with everyone else's. i have a foster dog, two kittens, two rabbits, and they would all be better off without me. cliche, i know, not caring though. no one else cares, so why should i? i could just take a bunch of pills at once and wait for my heart to stop. i was going to end it on my 18th birthday",Suicidal +17783,day in day out wake up do what my parents ask sit outside play till 2 am repeat. day in day out. a dead phone. two friends. day in day fucking out. I am at my limit. had a medicine appointment from the people at the hospital and its like they read from a script they do not care about you. I am at my limit. I am so done with everything. Its all the same,Depression +17784,"So, I am 19, and I have had thoughts about killing myself roughly since I was 12-13.I never got medicated because my mom thinks mental disorders (including, according to her, autism and ADHD) only come from trauma and she does not think anything that bad ever happened to me, and she is been pretty much the voice of my health since my dad is more of a ""hands off, men do not talk about feelings"" type, but with a sense of humor.In any case, it started just as periods of ennui that would usually be over if I went to sleep or if I found something that could keep me distracted long enough. Eventually, this developed into thinking about throwing myself off of tall things, or laying in front of speeding cars, or so on.Thanks to Corona, me entering and exiting a relationship with someone that turned out to also be suicidal and with a fondness of using me as their therapist despite the fact they already had a therapist and most recently a really big argument with my mom regarding college and, you know, all of my forseeable future in which she decreed that I was a lazy, useless fuck, I have not been doing so hot lately.And my dad's usual brand of advice, which is ""make jokes about it until you think it is funny"" has not been working, though it is a hard habit to kick in case this whole post felt a little sardonic to you.But something that **has** been helping was taking a shitty cutlery knife and cutting at my forearm.I know it is a bad fucking tactic for dealing with depression, on account of me not liking pain and bloodloss, but the knives are too shitty to do more than leave little marks on my skin, not even drawing blood. And the pain's worked to keep me grounded and not do anything more serious.So yeah, if anyone has any tips for what to do when self-harm actually seems to help that would be awesome. I Got a Problem with Self-Harm",Suicidal +17785,I take 100 mg orally How much zoloft is too much?,Suicidal +17786,"I want to die and it is hard for me to put the reasons into words. I just want to die. I know I am young, have not even started high school yet. I just feel like there is nothing for me here. I do not know what I want at this point",Suicidal +17787,"I have just completed 2 months of working 50 hour training weeks while studying for my boards exam after an ugly breakup. I am genuinely exhausted, but now I have to still pass my boards, find a new apartment, and switch my medications over, all while working a new schedule. I have become so exhausted, I have started to get physically ill. Ill lay in the shower at the end of a shift and cry from sheer exhaustion. I called off one time, but now I cannot call off for a while without issues. I wish I could quit my job, but I am financially unable. I cannot live with family or get financial help from them. Its this kind of life that makes me consider a nice eternal nap at the end of the day. I wish I could take a break",Depression +17788,"I am tired, in pain. I am a attempt survivor but soon that will change. I am sorry to those I have hurt, I wish there was another way but this is the only one I can see. I am sorry I think this is it for me",Suicidal +17789,"Hahaha I am really drunk, I had not been drunk for like a year and a half and I really missed the experience of being out of this world, falling, I do not know but it to be happy right now.I am in my room alone, I put vodka in my milk and om happy afI always like being this way from parties and everything Anyway I just wanted to say that I am lame and pathetic and a sad trash person,I just wanted to get this off my chest.Bye So I am like drunk right now and I missed it lol",Depression +17790,I am really in a dry spell as far as emotional support goes and I do not have much good happening so I called a hotline today.I actually got someone who was really good which was refreshing but I wish they would not ask about my support system. Why would I call if I had an amazing support system? It just draws attention to how alone I am. These hotlines,Depression +17791,"For the last year and a half Id say I was self medicating with opiates. (Lots if not so much fun) every day I would wake up and need them. By 48 hours I was puking my guts out. I was not doing your regular boy or H as they say, I was addicted to them round little blue M 30 fentanyl filled disastroids. And I also experimented with some of that G too. (never was really a fan) but eventually I said man I am going to lose everything I spent less time worrying about my loved ones and more time trying to find money for drugs and let us not forget the times the dealer was out and did not have any. I woke up one day and said fuck it. I am not doing this anymore spent 12 days hurling and had explosive diarrhea. It was hell. But something was missing. I got a sponsor and finally found out why the fuck I was self medicating for so long. Turns out I needed to see a psychiatrist. Long story short I got diagnosed with anxiety and severe depression. Many of my peers and even some family do not believe in my hardships. But I struggle every day just to smile. Even when my child is around. I just wonder when Ill feel better completely. If that will ever happen. Sorry for the bitching guys. But I just wanted to share this. Btw I am 3 months clean. Thanks for listening to my rant if you did. Please someone tell me it will get better. Even if you are lying. So here it is",Depression +17792,"I have not had a real conversation in months. Every single person I cross paths with just talks at me, not to me. I am tired of listening to people constantly talk about shit I do not care about. I am tired of people not picking up on obvious cues that I am not listening. These language games are bullshit. Just another way for people to assert power or pump their ego in front of others. I do not care what you think you know, about anything. None of this matters anyway.Silence is not the answer...I know that. Everyone gets lonely. Everyone gets sad. I get lonely, I get sad. But I just wish I could sit with someone quietly and chat about things at a gentle pace. Everyone is hammering out words faster than a machine gun and expecting either allegiance or resistance. Everything has to be a fucking battle does not it. A battle you cannot win.Alan Watts was right when he said we do not change. People do not change. A person might go through changes or maybe some kind of conscious progression in life but as a general rule the human race are just a bunch of egoists. You see it in children first and then you realise no one actually outgrows it, they just get better at hiding it. No one cares about anything except making sure everyone else around them knows how important they are. I cannot even escape the hypocrisy. I hate being like this, surrounded by people like this. On a dying planet to boot.Fuck this shit. I am over it.",Suicidal +17793,"I am still not good at English, so please forgive me.&#x200B;I have been an athlete for a long time since elementary school and I have been maintaining good grades in my area. However, when I was in my 3rd year of high school, a disease called 'paroxysmal kinesigenic dyskinesia' suddenly occurred and my life completely collapsed. My life collapsed overnight and I fell into depression and lived a lonely life. it is been 4 years and I am still sick and showing no signs of getting better. He worked part-time to pay for living expenses and medical expenses, but lost his job due to COVID-19 and disease. I do not know what to do now. I want to commit suicide by hanging myself on a rope after drinking alcohol and sleeping pills I am seriously contemplating suicide these days.",Suicidal +17794,"I 23F have depression, general anxiety, ADHD, and intestinal problems.I have been on meds for the anxiety and depression for over 7 years now, but I started taking generic addiral 4 months ago. I can fall asleep even after taking my addiral 30 minutes ago, so I am getting a bit desperate. I am in the middle of changing phycatists and have to wait to get my meds adjusted. Also, apparently the anxiety meds I have been on for 7 years is normally only used as a stop gap AND NO ONE TOLD ME!All the tips online talk about having an exercise routine(I have no energy), eating high energy food like beans or fibrous vegis(which I cannot eat do to the intestinal problems), and having caffeine(Bad idea, It makes my anxiety spike, I rarely even have soda anymore). Really I am just trying to see if anyone knows something that would help. I am calling tomorrow to get an appointment to see about changing my meds, but I do not know how far out the appointment will be.Sorry for the long rant, but I am just frustrated. Any tips on keeping your energy up?",Depression +17795,I do nothing of value to me or anyone else. I have nothing and believe in nothing and I am pretty sure I am no one. This life feels so worthless. Why am I here? There is nothing left,Depression +17796,i really just want to know what the hell i did in my past life or what i did in general to deserve everything that is been happening to me. I am so young I am not even in highschool yet dude i do not why I have to go through this at such a young age literally just tried hanging myself a few minutes ago but i could not even do that correctly lmfaoo I am so fucking pathetic and so embarrassed of myselfso now I am just sitting on my bathroom floor throwing up everything in my body. i threw away my blades already so i just do not know what to do anymore besides sob. I am so tired of this I am so tired of my family I am so tired of myself I am just so tired of everything.i just want to be happy tired,Suicidal +17797,"I have never had an emotional relationship before. I have never had a friendship in which I talked about my thoughts or emotions, and I have never been really loved by a girl. Most of my life I have been telling myself that things will just get better soon, and to have faith in myself. But even when I try to sympathize and start friendships, I am tossed away. For months I have been living in almost total solitude, and the thought of ending the loneliness forever has become increasingly attractive. There is nobody in the world who thinks of me as their best friend, or even really a good friend, and I have never been more than an afterthought in any relationship I have been in, no matter the context. I am not interesting enough, I am not likable enough, I am just not an ideal person to spend time with. A lot of people treat me with no respect, as if I do not have feelings. They become hostile when I express myself even the slightest bit, so I choose not to express myself at all. There is no future for me, and the more I consider this the more I realize that the world is a very cold place. The people I know are cold to me by nature, I am desired by no one in any sense at all. I have maybe two conversations a day, sometimes less, and nobody cares what I have to say anyway. If I were dead, the people I know would start caring about me. I wish I could convince myself that it would get better overtime, but I just cannot do it anymore. I am tired all the time, nobody wants me. All I need is a connection with someone who is willing to love me for myself, but its becoming more clear to me that no such person will ever cross paths with me. The thought that I am nearing the end is terrifying to me, but I just cannot fathom living like this forever. It seems like closure in a way. I would not be alone anymore if I did it. No friends, nobody to confide in",Suicidal +17798,I have a full time Job. Married. Two dogs. No debt and I am turning 25 in a few months. I graduated with my bachelors is psychology. I help people with chronic mental illness and homelessness and take so much abuse from them its not even funny. I am resentful about how my employers pay me I am currently making 44k a year and I am trying to further my education but I keep getting denied into masters programs. Getting paid that much at 24 years old makes me feel like I have failed right out of the gate. I budgeted like a mad man and was able to save about 40k for a down payment for a house. But the market is so insane that we cannot even come close to the offers. I feel like I have done all of that budgeting for nothing.. I spent 19 years of my life being a devoted Christian believing every word and building my faith. My degree in psychology showed me that my faith was incorrect and taught me to look for evidence in what I believe. I feel so isolated because my wife still believes along with nearly all of my friends. My wife knows and she has been very supportive. My parents keep asking me when I am getting a new job.I applied for a new one I was accepted but they wanted to pay me around 15 percent LESS than I am making now. I am starting to drink and get high nearly everyday and I have picked up a porn addiction that I thought I got rid of. Resentment towards my wife because I feel like I get rejected atleast 3-4 times a week for sex. And now I am starting to blow my money that I worked hard for on nothing.. Idk I have pretty much everything going for me and I know I should be thankful I just keep getting caught in this route of wanting perfection and I keep comparing myself to others. I have had thoughts of suicide and since working in mental health I feel like I have lost faith in the system to reach out or to even talk to a therapist. Which is what I want to be.I could never leave my wife or family like that. But man I am just really not enjoying life right now. I hope some day that I will. Last thing I want to be is a victim. I am just not happy. Really needed to get this out. My life is perfect but I am miserable,Depression +17799,"I am tired of pain, frustration and fear. The only time the world seems to be forgiving to me is when I am not awake. Ill never recover from my past no matter how hard I try. Ill always be fucked up. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.",Depression +17800,"I wish I had never been born, I wish I could exist in a state of unconsciousness, of nonexistence.My life is not bad, I am in a mediocre middle school, I have loving parents, I have everything.Yet, I feel so inferior and worthless. In school, I keep on failing and failing and failing. Major examinations, leadership positions and other things that I worked my ass off to succeed in always ends up turning to shit.When I was 12, I took a major exam and I failed to get into my dream school.When I was 14, I took an entrance test and failed to get into my dream school again.I am 16 now, with another national exam coming up. If I do not make it into my dream high school, should I end it all? I would lose all reason to keep on living.Looking at the rest of this sub, my experiences pale in comparison to whatever you all have faced and to even compare myself to the living hell that all of you all have been through truly does make me a huge piece of shit.Yet, I still feel so bad, so crappy and scummy and so tired, so fucking tired. I am so tired of being conscious. I am so tired of thinking. My life is not shit, it is just tiring, really really really tiring and that is been eating at me.Facing failure again and again is tiring.Being lonely and separated from my loved ones is tiring.Existence is tiring and I just want to sleep.I want to sleep I want to be unconscious I want to be unborn I want to be a rock or a table or a chair or any other inanimate object I want to be dead.Yet, I cannot find the courage in me to because pain to my loved ones by ending it all. They do not deserve to feel this pain.I am sorry for comparing my life to the literal shit that you all face every day. I really am a spoiled, entitled piece of shit but I just need to get all of this off my chest.Perhaps in a marginally better alternate universe, I would have succeeded in life, I would have actually been smart, I would not be feeling this way. I do not want to kill myself I just want to die",Suicidal +17801,"Spoiler: I cannot. (see my story for some context).Why fight on knowing you cannot win? I have been searching for a definitive answer to that to keep me from actually, you know, dying. Living with the damage (aftermath)",Depression +17802,Man I do not know where to start I am 22 really thinking about giving life up everyday gets worst for me i felt like I let my family down and people I use to associate with to and now it really hurt when you feel like you in it by yourself losing everybody slowly and I cannot blame nobody but myself but I feel like I am running outta options feel like I got nothing to live for anymore and I am ready to end everything for a better life I do not know what to do anymore... help/advice,Suicidal +17803,I am drifting apart from my only friend and school has been killing me recently. i have crippling social anxiety but I am required to do a presentation in front of 3k+ people on 31 july. i really do not think i can do it and i might kill myself the night before. my suicidal thoughts have peaked recently.,Suicidal +17804,"So for a while now I have had thoughts, that death is not as bad, death is peace, that if died today, I would not have a problem with that, I would be relieved actually. So this are not plans to do something, just thoughts, but asking a friend, he told me he had never had those thoughts... I have them daily. is not it normal?",Depression +17805,"I do not know what my life had become at this point, I do not feel like I am alive anymore. All I do is to pretend to be funny because that is the only thing that I remember about the old me. I am constantly running away from responsibility because I can barely get out of my bed. it is just constant state of emptiness, I cannot cry, I cannot feel happiness, the only emotions that I can still feel are jealousy & anger. I miss having a personality. I do not know what I have become other than a lonely bitter person that is desperately trying to pretend to not be one. I no longer want to connect or form friendship with people because I always end up being manipulative & hurting them. I am a she will of who I used to be, I do not have long term plans because I do not even know if I will be celebrating my 16th birthday. I cannot listen to anyone talking about what their future plans are because I know I will only be extremely hostile towards them because I am just jealous that they are not mentally ill & have hope for their future, because I am barely alive at this point. I just do not know anymore. How did I end up like this",Depression +17806,"Things show no sign of changing and it usually does not for guys like me. I do not want to grow to accept my situation, I just want it to get better but it will not. I am going to drive 120mph into a tree with no seatbelt",Suicidal +17807,"I have said goodbye to my British friend and to my Danish friend.One has not read my text yet, and the other has not responded to me.Finally, a person always has to leave the world alone.At the moment, my heart is full of upset and numbness.Three years, three years of agony. I imagine myself standing in the wind, shrinking and depressed.My hair is dancing in the wind, and hell is cracking under my feet.However, I wish you could see my text. Although it will not change anything, I will be very comforted if I have your words at the end of my life.If there is an afterlife, let me be a drop of rain in Britain, so that I can fall on your shoulder.I will never forget what you called me:[My beautiful girl][Miss Beautiful][Miss Cat]If only I had known you earlier. If there is an afterlife, let me be a drop of rain in Britain.",Suicidal +17808,I have not been doing to well recently and I find that when I am not feeling well I tend to have these massive mood swings. Recently my friends have just been making me so angry and I do not want to be around them and when I am I need to restrain myself from yelling at them. I do not know what is wrong with me. Only some of my friends who act more childish tend to trigger my mood swings. What can I do to help prevent theses from happening?? Mood swings,Depression +17809,"Through my 20 years of depression,I have discovered a lot, I have been through a lot, I have endured enough. The age where I atm do not have true friends, family that uses me for only company and other misfortunes. Also one at some point disowned me for a short period. I broke my phone today through anger... I realized its been a couple months since may and I still have yet very little money saved, a look at my surroundings and I have not gotten any small things I wanted achieved, now my eyes are flooded with tears. This decision even through growth has consistently harass my thoughts, while I never let it consume me, why does it still come back? Its more powerful than any happiness I felt? I look at my family and when I think about hurting myself, I feel no remorse for them. cannot be with the person I love, cannot have high loving friendships and relationships and now I am stuck? because of my decisions? Now what about a permanent solution? A solution for a restart in life, where no one in this world knows you? Where I do not have to deal with these problems but can worry about the next ones. I see no progress in the universe... its painful to feel ill be in this position forever. A permanent solution, to a temporary problem... To my analysis, suicide seems logical...",Suicidal +17810,"I definitely do not want to live but I also do not have the courage to finally just commit suicide so I am just kind of here, suffering Limbo",Suicidal +17811,"I really do not know what to do. I feel so alone but I know I am not. I do not want to tell my family or friends because I do not want them to be concerned or worried and I have lost friends because I was to depressed.Its so much more than just migraines, but they have been the biggest issue lately. I have been suffering from migraines since I was a child, but they have gotten so much worse the last couple years. I have been missing a few days a months and have had to leave a few times a month early from work because of them. My workplace has told me if I miss more work I will be let go. I honestly do not want to live anymore. I have been depressed since I was a teenager and have I usually lie to everyone, including therapists because I honestly do not feel justified in most of the sad/depressed/angry feelings I experience. I am so lost, and no one I know knows what I am going through. I do not even know why I am posting, but it feels kind of good to get some of this out, even if i will delete it soon I want help but I am scared to ask for it",Depression +17812,After a failed attempt I realized I do not have a long term plan. I am no longer suicidal (for now). How to I start planning for the future? (21 in a month if that matters) Nothing to look forward too,Depression +17813,"I have a loved one with depression. When he pushes me away, I say stubbornly that Ill stay. But he says that hes a burden. How do I assure him hes not?? Saying you are not a burden is not very convincing.Also I try to be positive and motivational and he tells me not to. what should I do then? I do not know what to say. He also feels guilty that I do so much for him and I have complained before that my needs are not met well (I feel guilty for this). How do I make him feel that what he does it enough and encourage him? How do I ask about needs without pressuring him? I have pressured him about needs. He wants to break up because he says me pressuring him makes him feel like hes not enough. what is some things I can say? Should I apologize? I feel really bad. how to make them feel like they are not a burden",Depression +17814,"I was involuntarily hospitalised 2 weeks ago, and now everything is worse. TWs i started drink a lot, everyday since i was discharged. i was relatively-sober for the first time in years beforehand. i have received no follow up help. i have destroyed my entire support network, nobody wants to know me anymore. the love of my life hates me, we broke up 4 months ago and i ruined the chances of us getting back together since leaving. I have gotten rid of everything in my room except for a mattress and my laptop, i threw many things off of my balcony into the courtyard. i have been burning myself with cigarettes (I had not self harmed in years) i have slept 1 of the last 3 nights i have not eaten in almost 2 days i now have a $1000 ambulance bill, for an ambulance i did not agree too AND was told would not cost anything what the fuck am i meant to do now this is the worst it is ever been",Depression +17815,"I got permabanned from the one place I always knew I could go to for support from other people like me. Idk what to do. I have absolutely no reason to feel the way I do yet I still want to fucking kill myself everyday and now I feel like I have nowhere to go. I do not even know what I did wrong I always read the rules of any subreddit before posting anything. I just want to be part of a community that understands how I feel bc no one in my life gets it. They all tell me you are doing so well why are you so upset all the time and I wish I had a fucking answer but I fucking do not and I am so tired of living this way. I have been in and out of hospitals my whole life and I finally found a support group I could count on and that understood me and now its gone. I just bought a nice car a few weeks ago. Its fast too. going to go for one last drive to my favorite spot out in the country hills, bringing my knives with me I am so done with all of this I am done",Suicidal +17816,"In reading up on the side effects of most anti depressants, it seems the ones that do not because erectile dysfunction can because hair loss, and the ones that do not because hair loss can because erectile dysfunction. Are there any ones that do not because either or that have a low chance of causing either? Any antidepressants that do not because hair loss or ED?",Depression +17817,Why do I even have to be here anymore. My parents had a second child so that my sibling would not grow up alone. I did not have to be here. They could have just signed him up for more sports or activities I get more tired every day.,Depression +17818,"Mom suffered for 50+ years with a shitty life, brother died from cancer at a very young age. My dad is a complete drunk asshole. I have no friends or anyone to even live for. I know what is in store for me, it is continued pain, why not just kill myself and restart with a better life? Why not kill myself?",Suicidal +17819,there is truly no easy way to go peacefully with no pain is there? Hanged myself and panic set in,Suicidal +17820,"Like would it be asphyxiation and hemorrhage and airway obstruction? So like as jumping off a bridge, you shoot yourself in the head to because massive brain hemorrhage and then drown in water to because asphyxiation and airway obstruction? Maybe throw in some respiratory depressing medications too? Theoretically, what is the most foolproof way to die?",Depression +17821,"I am 28, unemployed, and sick with Covid. I am single, do not have my own place, and am constantly being moved from house to house just trying to make it by. Now, I do not know where to go or what to do with my life anymore and its driving me insane...I have always been a pretty cheery guy but these past few years have really solidified my loss of direction. I feel like I have no sense of self anymore. I am smart, physically capable, no records, even own my own car. But I still feel like its all in service to nothing. Should I just strike out and try and get my own place? Then what? What do I do with it?! What is my purpose!I never really thought like this before a few years ago. Stupid thing is nothing even happened, no big break up or great loss in my life. I just woke up one day and started asking why. Ask enough times and eventually the silence starts to eat away at you, at least it did me...I do not really think I believe in suicide as an answer here but it would be nice to not feel so damn alone and isolated in my own head. Maybe I just need someone to share the space with. Someone to reach out and grab onto just to make sure I am still on earth from time to time. I do not even know anymore... Sorry I do not know where to put all these feelings. So I will leave them with you...",Depression +17822,"Did any of you used to be really into things like hobbies but just stopped because you knew you would be dead in the somewhat near future and putting effort into learning things and growing as an individual would just be pointless? Like you are putting all of this effort in and will never see the end result of a polished skill that takes years to produce?For me it started around 19 (I am 25 now). I used to be really into learning the piano, reading books on history, psychology, investing, nonfic and so on, working towards being a physically healthy person, and overall just trying to develop/fix myself. I think this was when I got into self-help stuff and gained a lot of hope for the future at that time.Since about 23 I have just started to stagnate heavily. I stopped doing the things that were making me a better person. My mind just tells me I am wasting my time and that what I am doing is pointless. I will never be a whole human being and I will never live a good or even normal life. Why even try to grow? I am just going to fall all the way back down to rock bottom like I have time and time again. When did you stop growing?",Depression +17823,"There are certain people who I care for make me suicidal and generally like a failure. I would love some help just while I am stuck over the next few days. I recently started taking antipsychotics. They help me be more compassionate for my self. The situation is I have not seen a close friend in a long time and took 2 weeks off my 3 jobs to see them. They needed some help unpacking and with chores. But there is always something wrong. It does not help that there are sometimes feelings between us.The thing is I have done everything due to my people pleasing habits. And I have been thinking what I already knew, which is that I am doing this because of people pleasing. I could have spent my very limited vacation with friends who actually make me happy and should not have committed so much but I commit to people I care about and do a lot for those who reciprocate care as I have been deprived of it and had to grow up very early. But I had this need to please. But I have failed in various tasks and am now counting down the days I have to stay here as leaving will because more issues.it is not that this person is bad it is just how our anxieties play out and interact. And I recognize all my mistakes, in particular listening to the idea of staying with this person, and catering my schedule to do things for them and not doing all the things I wanted to do.I just need help surviving the next two or three days with any help or relatable stories. We have good times but a momentary issue ie if I do something too slowly or my two bags are visible out or bigger issues like messing up laundry (this was the biggest) or not waking up early or doing things based on their timeline(there are like 5 things I try to do in an afternoon and if I get 3/5 it is very bad) sends me down bad paths and I think because I am on medication I am feeling my feelings and hearing inner voices that advocate me more than I normally do. And the unpacking takes for ever but when they feel capable they do everything so well within a short time whereas I struggle immensely with even simple tasks because I always do them wrong and it is their space. I know I will never stay with them again or schedule a trip where I just see them. I just need help for the next few days and need to know if anyone else feels inadequate all the time or has made similar mistakes around certain people or dealing with people who are very particular. Feeling suicidal around certain people and on anti paychotics",Suicidal +17824,"This sounds straight up edgy, so let me explainWhen you have a sad, scary, or just uncomfortable dream, its very easy to recover from that. Life sucks already, what is one small thing like that going to do?I am nearly 20, alone, and done with high school - and essentially socializing as a whole.The worst dreams for me that make waking up seem so daunting, are the ones where my life is actually enjoyable. Imaginary people I love, or friends I am making. Legitimately enjoying just a small portion of time. Why is life never normally like this?Then I wake up, and realize I am in the same situation. No ones there for me. No one loves me. And I am still alone as everIm so fucking sick and tired of having dreams like this. Just makes my situation feel that much more unbearable. I miss never remembering a single thing from dreams. I thought for a while that dreaming would be nice. Now here I am, and I take it back The worst dreams are the best ones, and the best are the worst",Depression +17825,"Did any of you used to be really into things like hobbies but just stopped because you knew you would be dead in the somewhat near future and putting effort into learning things and growing as an individual would just be pointless? Like you are putting all of this effort in and will never see the end result of a polished skill that takes years to produce?For me it started around 17 (I am 25 now). I used to be really into learning the piano, reading books on history, psychology, investing, nonfic and so on, working towards being a physically healthy person, and overall just trying to develop/fix myself. I think this was when I got into self-help stuff and gained a lot of hope for the future at that time.Since about 23 I have just started to stagnate heavily. I stopped doing the things that were making me a better person. My mind just tells me I am wasting my time and that what I am doing is pointless. I will never be a whole human being and I will never live a good life. Why even try to grow? I am just going to fall all the way back down to rock bottom like I have time and time again. When did you stop growing?",Suicidal +17826,"Hello, I want to apologize for the very low level of English I have, I am not a native English speaker. I have been diagnosed with depression and have had TBIs with a psychiatrist since 2017. It has been very episodic as it is depression that starts through trauma or PTSD. I come to seek help here because my appointments are too short and distant from each other. I am looking for advice / discussion about this, although I have done this a lot in the past and feel like I have heard it all. Currently in my life it is rather quiet. No big event for 3 weeks, things are stable at this level. In fact, I want to completely detach myself from human relationships and even emotionally from things, already that I am ultra jaded and bored by everyone (music, sport, video games, literature, animated, ...) my passions do not stimulate me not as much as before. I also have all the things that I like + my ""Madeleine de Proust"" which fall, become null or stop lately. I am an only child and have a great relationship with my parents, but having to see their health deteriorate and the fact that my mother almost died of illness recently plays a big role. I have also experienced a lot of relationship disappointments, even I have hardly experienced that. Recently I have seen the true thoughts of my rare strong relationships. It hurts me but I accepted that deep down I get too attached and that all relationships are led to an end. Time erodes them and if it is not time it will be weariness. I have heard everything at this level, I have introspected a lot, applied advice but I only come to one conclusion: I have to detach myself emotionally from things. Everything ended up going badly in my life, hope made me suffer and I literally have no purpose in life anymore. I do not feel like killing myself, but I am tired and jaded with life. Literally everything is bad, everything sucks and it does not even make me want to try something new because things go wrong every time. Level of relationships, in love it is too complex and it causes more problems than good things and in friendship I believe that the true friendship that we see in the works does not exist. I have a strong relationship but I think I got too attached and I make the same mistakes over and over. In short what do you think? I no longer have faith in human relationships",Depression +17827,"hi, I am not sure if this is the right place to post this but I need advice. my sister (she is 28f and were twins) has been practically doom scrolling when covid began. she is been reading all of these theories and stories about the world and hollywood and the catholic church being corrupted and granted she might be right about these things but none of us know what to do anymore. her boyfriend is reaching out to my mom and I to figure out how we can help but I am walking downtown right now (she was last seen here) trying to find her, but she will not pick up any of our phone calls. and this is not the first time I have had to do this recently. she does not want to be helped, and says she is okay after doing this before, but then does it again. I am worried if I take her to therapy she will get stuck w someone who is pro-covid (?) and trigger her in all sorts of wrong ways when she just needs someone that will listen to her. we did for awhile but it was hard for us to hear about rape, pedophiles, animal cruelty, and covid vaccines being the mark of the devil all the time too.. what should we do? please do not shame her for her beliefs, she is hurt and has a big heart and just wants a better world. to;dr: twin sister is suicidal about all the darkness in the world, will not accept help, suicide threats getting more consistent. suicidal sister",Suicidal +17828,I literally told her I have a plan to kill my self by overdosing on my antidepressants. And then she increased my dose so I now have double the amount of antidepressants available to me making it much easier to overdose. My psychiatrist gave me a way out,Suicidal +17829,"I am a Grandson of suicide, I am a son of suicide attempts and I am a survivor of suicide. I work as a caregiver for the elderly and it is been all I have keeping me going. In the last several months it has not been enough, all I want to do is give up. I have a plan, I just have not figured out how to NOT leave a mess for someone else, ruin my apartment etc. Constantly worried about other people I guess. The darkness is happening more and more often and it is harder to come back each time. I have tried reaching out but nothing works. I am exhausted of the fight, tired of struggling all the time! I am not afraid of death I have been around it for years. I just want peace, finally! Closer and closer",Suicidal +17830,I hold a belt around my neck every night and pull tightly until I feel myself slipping away then I let go. Its how I hurt myself instead of bleeding out and leaving scars that I do not need any more of.One day Ill either let go too late on accident or finally tie it around my throat to kill myself on purpose. Its not actually a very painful feeling... Practicing hanging myself,Suicidal +17831,"I realize that one of the things that really makes me happy in life is video games, so I am always thinking about them and researching them and buying them. However, its like every time I buy a new game I am happy, but then weeks or months later, I am depressed again, and I always want more. I do not get it, the moment I think xy game will make me happy, xy game will cure my depressionit does not. I am just spending money on games just to make myself feel good a bit and then I realize that these things only bring small periods of joy. they are just material things, I think I get too obsessed with materialism and I drive myself crazy sometimes because all I can think about is games and being happy only if I have more of them. What do you guys think I should do about this feeling idk. Its just embarrassing. I have a problem (Materialism)",Depression +17832,"I am struggling trying to find reasons people have to continue. there is no point to life, and if you have no enjoyment in your life, what is the point of continuing? I do not understand how people grow to such old ages. Any help is appreciated, genuinely trying to figure it out because I do not know what else to do. Not sure how people find reason.",Depression +17833,"in my country there are no opportunities, no options, NOTHING. i cannot even leave because every other country fucking makes it near impossible to get a citizenship- i just want better opportunities, to live a better life, how is that a fucking crime? my country is so damn anti science its fucking insane. i just want to be a scientist, i want to study space, but guess what? i cannot because i was born in a shithole country. even if i study engineering there are no jobs, what am i even going to do? be a math teacher in a fucking middle school? fuck no. why did i have to be born in a third world shithole. god i fucking hate everything. i just want to die why did i have to be born in a third world shithole",Depression +17834,"I do not know.I mean it is would be hard for my parents and a few who might also be interested in myself, but is it worth to destroy their life, becsuse my life is so unlivable?I really do not like my life. Should I kms?",Depression +17835,"This year has been the worst ever in my life. eLearning has changed my life in the worst way possible. I am even more introverted than I was previously. Back in April, one of my close friends was even diagnosed with depression. In February and March, my teachers were punishing us for our bad behavior even though I was not part of the group of people who caused them. In May, one of my teachers called me a politician who lies because I was running for Student Council President in my school. How come I respect others yet I do not get the respect back? I have felt depressed and lonely since the beginning of this year and I am losing hope in the future. Making new friends is impossible since my parents get mad when I make online friends because apparently all of them are pedos and that they will kidnap me or something. Covid has not helped either. My friends are like Things will get better but after hearing that many times, things 100% have not gotten any better. Why do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve being depressed? If I died, everyone would care for like a week, then everyone will have forgotten my existence. do not have an easy way to kill myself either. Maybe drowning or no water could work. Honestly, if I could choose the option of killing myself without any pain, then I would choose that. Why continue suffering through this pain any longer? Why is my life going downhill?",Suicidal +17836,"I plan to die soon. I have not been happy since 2017 and lost a lot within time. I literally feel empty and do not do anything other than be on my phone, and stalk my ex-friends, just to pretend I have someone who cares. Do I enjoy it? Hell no. Yet I have no self love nor am I able to find joy within myself. I cannot be committed to anything other than my bad habits and fucking up. My problems are too complex to solve. I have been surviving life and not enjoying it. I am turning into a monster because of this shit-storm, which is why I need to end myself before it escalates. I have not had any life experiences that happened by my power. No friends, no wanting achievements, I have ignored high school for 2 and a half yearsI got no bright future. Its not fair how others get to struggle and get over their issues soon enough, but even the smallest task and importance to me seems nearly impossible. I do not feel human honestly. I feel like my will to have emotions and motives have been revoked. No, I cannot even have a simple happy time relaxing or hanging out with people I love because they are too busy with their own shit. I do not have friends either as I genuinely do not understand people because of my incompetence. I am taking prozac as of now, but just recently. I plan to seek therapy too, but if all fails within a month, I am gone. If people really cared, they should not have lead me to the point of suicide in the first place. I plan to die soon.",Suicidal +17837,"I used to think that my depression loneliness anxiety are made by me . I have never been this way I was a crazy (in the most positive way ) person, very happy , bcuz i did not care about ppl honestly and never been inlove.. until I met this girl she was kind of of antisocial lonely mysteriously tbh so i tried to be some kind of loner like her .. just to know more about her .. I do not want to say I fell in love but I def liked her even with her dark personality. I isolated myself from my friends I kind of became heartless to everyone except her all i cared about was this girl . We live in the same city we studied in the same school then she transferred to another one ( in the sAme city) but we never talked face to face.. the only time we tried to meet up It did not work out very well .. i ditched her ( I was kind of nervous ) (2years ago) since then we never talked she graduated too . I did not realize i became a loner/hated/depressed/anxious until she left me. I screwed up many friendships .. I dropped out .. my relationships with my family is very complicated I nearly killed myself I lost 3 years of my life but hey she is out of my head now I am only thinking how you can stop my migraine cuz it is much bigger issue for me . I am feeling like I have been in jail for so long and everything has changed in this world. I screwed up big time.",Depression +17838,"So this is going to be a long post but idk where else to go. I have a lot of things that are really stressing me out right now and I do not know where to even start to process any of it. Back in march of this year I [M20] was diagnosed with testicular cancer, I had surgery to have the tumor removed and less good for awhile. At the same time, my mom found out she has stage 4 lung cancer and was given about 8 months to live. I had just moved into an apartment with my girlfriend [F20] of about three years and things were starting to look up for me finally. Then in may my girlfriend said that she could not be in a relationship without loving herself right first and that wed have another chance after that. Then four days later she was telling a coworker how much she liked him. And we still live together because were under a lease contract and we have puppies together, we had started a life together. Every weekend she goes over to that other guys house and spends days there. Now I come to find out my cancer is back in the middle of all this. Its in my lymph nodes and I have to do some chemo. The doctors and nurses say that I should not be alone because of possible side effects. So my ex says that she will be home as mush as she can besides being away for work of course. But instead of sticking to what she said, she goes to that guys house all the time. And as of writing this I have been alone for 3 days. And she said the other day that I need to move out once my chemo is done. But I do not have anywhere to go, I cannot afford an apartment of my own. None of my friends have room. The only place I know I could go is back to my moms but the reason I moved out is because she gets drunk and emotionally abusive. I also need a place where I can have my dog because I do not want to leave him behind. All of this stuff piling up has made me depressed and suicidal, and I have tried to kill myself about 3 times since may but I always chicken out. I have been considering cancelling my chemo and just letting the cancer do its thing so that way people can say goodbye and it hopefully will not be as much of a big shock on people. But I genuinely do not feel like I want to be on this earth anymore and I do not know what to do. Any advice at all would be so helpful! Can anyone offer some advice?",Depression +17839,"This might seem unrelated to the sub but I am bi and I fucking hate it. My suicidal thoughts are bad enough on their own but everytime a have gay thought it just makes me feel so much worse. I am thankful that I am bi and not gay (no offense to gay people, I am not homophobic to other people just to myself) that would be even worse. Has gay conversion therapy ever worked on anyone",Depression +17840,"All I do is isolate myself in my house and play video games all day. I have done this now for two years and I want to kill myself. I do not get joy from anything anymore. I have been on 12 different psychiatric meds and nothing has worked. I have done TMS and ketamine with zero changes. I have ptsd and am scared of people, so I avoid everyone. My parents have put me down my entire life and make me feel worthless. I do not know if Ill do it. I hope I do soon. I am afraid of everyone",Suicidal +17841,"So I am suicidal ofc, and i got taken into a clinic, I am not sure if it will work, or what ill do after. But the problem is, they told me if i beed to go to the hospital because of my self harm they will not let me in, is this true? Because now I am worried, i think i need to go to a hospital but i also really want to get the help. Being send to a mental clinic",Suicidal +17842,"I am sick and tired of having my dramas and all my pain underrated. I am valid. My dramas are valid. All the pain I am going through is 100% valid. Everytime someone tells me the world owes me nothing, I get totally angry cuz they are always trying to invalidate my problems. 1st: I never said I wanted to come to this world. But if you ask me if I wanted to be born, Id say yes. For sure I would. But never in a poor family like my case. Id choose to be born in a wealthy family with two real parents and not two poor narcissistic parents like mine. 2nd: Human Rights assure me many things I never had. So yeah, the world would not owe anything if all my rights were assured. The reality is that they are violated all the time bringing me sorrows and unhappiness. The world owes you nothing. Oh really ? Listen then",Suicidal +17843,"Two nights ago I had a horrible mental breakdown. I cried until I had a headache, I had two panic attacks and almost passed out, and I confessed to my mum that I wanted to kill myself. After talking to her, I thought I was getting help. My mum told me that she would help me get an appointment with my therapist (I lost her contact info because my phone had to be reset). She was supposed to help me get an appointment today. She forgot. Again. I was fully prepared to go to the hospital and get checked into the psych ward (honestly, locking me in there is the only thing that will stop me from killing myself). But that never happened. I do not know how I always fall for this shit. I am promised I will get help. When I am promised this help, I am happy and hopeful. Maybe this time Ill finally get help. Maybe Ill finally be able to feel better. But once the promises are broken and nothing is done, I feel sad and angry. I feel alone. I feel like nobody cares. I feel all alone in this battle that I have been fighting for almost a decade. I am done asking for help. I always ask for it, but help is not given to me. Fuck it, I might just walk to the hospital (it takes around an hour to walk there) and check myself in. Maybe then they will see how bad I need help. But I doubt it. They always help my sister more than they help me. And I hate to say it, but I resent my parents for that. I need help too. One time my dad and I were driving to McDonalds. We were talking, and he told me that him and my mum were not as worried about me as they were worried about my sister. What they do not know is that I have been planning to kill myself for months. And I am starting to prepare to take my own life. I know how Ill do it. And Ill probably do it in a few days or weeks. I am just so tired of not getting help. Maybe someone will listen now. Why the fuck do I always fall for this?",Suicidal +17844,"I never just sit home and wallow in my own sadness and filth. I do all the things people say you should do when you feel down; I have a job, I workout a lot, I eat fairly healthy, I have goals I strive to achieve but none of it means anything because I am lonely. Not only in a romantic type of way, but in general. I basically lost my only two friends I could trust and confide in, I cannot trust my family with my words, I have no one and nothing and its torture I have no real friends and I am not happy no matter what I do",Depression +17845,"All I want to do is sleep, too tired to take my meds, too tired to clean my room, too tired to work. Ruining my life, my wonderful girlfriend does not love me. Time is short, and soon she will realize she is better off with someone else. I worry its too late for me to make things better. Just struggling. I do not know what to do, do not know what question to ask to look for answers. Struggling",Depression +17846,"I just want to die.I do not give a fuck, I am simply sick of not being good enough.Enough will never be enough for this world nor the people I am closest to. I do not want to get better",Suicidal +17847,"I think I am going to kill myself at some point, I wrote a note on my phone and whenever I do the deed I guess someone might end up finding it. if not does not really matter but if it does get found it might help someone realize the pain I have been in constantly for most of my life. Most was caused by my own actions the rest by what was put onto me, but I just could never see a future for myself in any capacity. I guess I just wrote my suicide note",Depression +17848,"after a lot of therapy, there is no help for people like me, people with my problemsYou have painful emotions? The answer is therapy. You tell a therapist what would help, and they tell you that is not what therapy is for. OK, then what is the profession that will give me that help called? Oh, that does not exist. But, also, still do not kill yourself, no matter how much you are suffering. Also, I will not do anything to help you not suffer.Then they tell me to just stop being a human, stop finding enjoyment in what is well established as what people enjoy. See the research on happiness. The only ""help"" therapy offers is to tell me ""you should not kill yourself even if you do not get what you want."" OK??? So you will apply that to yourself too, and keep giving me therapy if I stop paying you? No? Then why should not I exit my life early, just like you would exit the therapy relationship, when it stops working? The default option is suicide, your job is to present me with a better option, but you will not do your job.that is basically my experience with therapy.Edit: do not tell me to call a suicide hotline, they will not help me either, I already tried that. I am actually blocked from the crisis text number that reddit sends in their automated messages. If you report me, and I try to contact them, they will tell me I have ""abused their system"" and no messages will go through. So do not even bother. post deleted from r/talktherapy, they told me to go here",Suicidal +17849,"I do not condemn anyones decision to take their own life. This world we live in is truly awful and we all know it. I know how hard it is to feel desperately alone. I am just asking to please think about your loved ones before you go through with it. On July 5th my 15 year old cousin attempted suicide via firearm. Fortunately I was able to see him the day after, though in an hour or two they will take him off life support and he will pass away. Me and him had nearly identical situations growing up, and I am overcome with guilt because I just know there is something I could have done to let him know he was not alone. My grandparents have to go in and say goodbye to one of their two grandsons for the last time. My aunt and 12 year old cousin are not doing well either. My cousin has to grow up without her only sibling, her older brother. My aunt will live out the rest of her life feeling she failed her only son. My sisters have to go to bed tonight knowing that our cousin that we grew up with will not be alive when they wake up.I am not trying to dismiss anyones pain here. I know how hard it feels everyday to keep going. I have been very suicidal in the past and the idea of me giving my pain to the people i love the most, namely my two sisters, has kept me from going through with it. All I am asking here is to please think about those that love you. Please reach out, talk to someone, do what you have to do. I am a person who has struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past and now my younger cousin will be taken off life support tonight",Suicidal +17850,"What else is there to say, the negative far outweighs and outpaces the positive. I am so often right about people's shitty terrible, dishonest, backstabbing tendencies. what is the point if I am right about those things? The More I Live, The More I Want to Die",Depression +17851,I feel like I cannot even explain myself because I am too fucking stupid PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME THAT I am NOT A MONSTER BUT I KNOW THAT I AM,Suicidal +17852,"We can do whatever the hell we want. We can drink or drug or eat ourselves to death. We can drive off a cliff like in Thelma and Louise!! Were all going to die anyway. And we never asked to be born. And if you have already made the unshakable decision to kill yourself then for the sake of not choosing to be born into this life, please try and be kind to yourself right now. Whatever that means to you. People will tell you that its going to be okay and its going to get better. Probably because that is what they want and hope for you. So we cannot really fault people for meaning well. I see it all the time, people faulting people trying to help, for saying anything or nothing at all. They cannot win. I mean, none of us owe each other anything. Except maybe the people that brought us here (parents) but forget about the construct of parents and be your own parent. Try and kill yourself without actually stopping your heart. Become a new you. Throw all the toxic constructs and belief systems into the fire. Give yourself a hug and ACTUALLY BE THE PERSON YOU NEED. Baby steps to being kind and gentle to yourself, but strong. I promise you there are kind and wonderful people that can help you. But not as much as you can help yourself. I am so sorry lifes brought you here. And if you are reading this right now because life has brought you to suicide. Feel hugged. that is all I can do. Try and find hope. Its the most powerful thing we can own in times like this. I know you do not want to hear it but it can get better. You can. Sorry if this has only angered you. I hope you find what you are needing Not what we want to hear because its what we need to hear",Suicidal +17853,Is it better or worse than an immediate one in your opinion? I am in my 30s and I feel the crushing sense of meaningless and emptiness as the years go by. Its mind-numbing. For those who are older: what is the slow death of aging like?,Suicidal +17854,I am tired of waking up every day and doing nothing. I cannot get a job. I cannot leave the house. I am stuck in this endless loop for 1 year and I have never felt so empty and purposeless. I am tired. I am tired.,Depression +17855,"I am 18m... Overweight yeah, but only became overweight due to my parents making fun of me to everyone...(I have gained 110+ pounds during the last 3 years) I only weighed like 130.... until all this startedIm disabled (mentally) and Gay, so My dad legit rants about ""Gay people should have no rights, and How disabled appreciation month is a stupid karen holiday""Even knowing I am disabled..... I plea to him that i have depression, and anxiety, and other issues... but he just says ""man up"" and procceeds to rant about how I am faking it for attention.....He threatens and screams at me if i eat food.... If i play games on a computer i bought that he proceeded to smash wasting my money...Complains about how my broken bones are not broken and nothing is needed, then ending up having to have a 10k+ surgery to fix them....I just cannot handle it anymore, I legit have to go to work to feel better... I want to move out but I cannot without roomates or having a good paying job...I just feel like nothing is possible for me anymore.... I really do not understand why I have to deal with this.....",Depression +17856,"I know everyone feels unhappy, i feel deeply unhappy, i feel like my blood is boiling and my brain is rotting, i have no other way to describe it.My life was not particularly awful, what went wrong?? Why cannot i get the thought of ending it out of my head? I could think about questions all day, but it would not be any use.I have permanent, ugly, disgusting, abhorrent scars and i have refused therapy. I almost drank myself into a vegetative state, i have no idea what to do from here. I have aspirations, dreams and yet something deep and destructive just feels like laying down and dying and taking me with it.Thank you16/07/21 I just feel so unhappy.",Suicidal +17857,"I feel the world is very bleak and my personal future seems bleak even though I live ""comfortably"" with every convenience within my reach and in a first world country etc. I would not call this depression as I feel extremely lucid and clear thinking despite experiencing lethargy regularly (I believe this is due to working nights rather than my mental state). I want to prosper but also kind of do not really see the point at the same time. It all feels pointless and wasteful continuing my life of (mostly just) meaningless consumerism. The internet reminds me how bleak the world is regularly. I guess I do have too much screen time. I am pursuing self-improvement and long term goals but at the same time, regularly think about throwing myself off a particular cliff that I know of in my country (my ideal spot). I picture this regularly. Some terrible things have happened/ are happening to me lately including: \- my 2 closest relatives getting seriously ill (likely cancer, one recurring cancer and one cancer in an organ which has been weakened over time from other serious illness)\- someone died in front of me at work while I was holding his hand and talking to him \- my partner's mother died\- my old family dog is dying\- I was bullied at my job \- I hate my job \- I have no clear alternative to my current job\- I am not happy with my appearance (I have been pursuing plastic surgery but also think this is pointless and a waste of money, materials and resources)&#x200B;Sorry for the ramble. I will probably delete this but I am curious about what a reaction would be like. Have had regular suicidal thoughts for around two years and they are increasing in regularity",Suicidal +17858,"I have had mental health issues for quite a few years now. I suffered with undiagnosed anxiety and panic disorders in middle school, continuing to have anxiety years later and have always seemed to be depressed. Especially nowadays I know I have depression, I have shown countless symptoms for it but yet anytime people recommend I see a therapist or psychiatrist I scoff. I never seem to want actual help. Its like I think happiness is genuinely unattainable since its been so long since I have been (or at least free from mental health issues). I have been able to go so long without help because I am able to go to work/school and do a good job, but now I have become frustrated and have begun lashing out more on the people around me but I cannot fathom getting better by pills, therapist or any other therapies, though I have shown I cannot really get through this on my own. Am I weird to be this way? Why do not I want help?",Depression +17859,"Trying to figure out the how. I might die on a Sunday where I will be left alone with nobody to save me. Too broken... Not depressed but still wants to die, idk anymore.",Suicidal +17860,"I help out whenever my disabled family member needs help, and I am totally ok with it. I get that. What I did not sign up for however is being the emotional punching bag that absorbs all of their anger towards themselves deflected on me. It gets tiring and quite frankly just makes me want to drop dead even more than ever. like most times i wish it would just be me getting all the physical pain and dying from it. morbid and clich maybe, but I would happily take it over slowly dying on the inside and just hating myself even more in the process. pitfalls of being a caregiver",Depression +17861,I am actively not for lifeFuck it I do not want to get betterI do not want to swim. I do not want to float. I do not want meds to numb me and make the stream I am in better. I want to sink. I want to chokes. I want to fucking die. My family keeps saying they need me. I do not want to be here. Why are we all forced to keeping swimming when we do not want to? Why do I have to live? Everyone is swimming to stay afloat in life. I just want to sink.,Suicidal +17862,"I am done with life. i want to kill myself. so badly. its very weird typing this because I have never told anyone about it, even though it is all i can think about. i fucking hate everything. i hate my ""friends"", i hate being so lonely all of the goddamn time. i hate my ""best friend"" for dating the person I have had a crush on. but i have to suck it up because i do not even like them anymore and my best friend is all i have. you are a piece of shit. you broke my trust. i say that idc but it hurts so fucking bad. its so stupid I am so stupid i should be dead. I am so fucking cringe too i have a crush on this person i play videogames with everyday until 4am but they have not noticed. i know I am just going to get my heart broken because no one wants me I am so cringe and a piece of shit I am so annoying too i hate myselfall i have is music but i also have quite bad tinnitus and misophonia so i cannot even have that. i want to die. i do not want to live. the only thing holding me back is that my parents and my dogs will be sad. nothing else. there is no point in any of this. i want to die. everything hurts. i act like I am fine, like I am happy but its just me masking because if someone asks me how I am truly doing I would break down. please kill me in my sleep. I am done",Depression +17863,"It does not feel good to spray out your ""sadness onto others and just expect them to retaliate with positive promises and time will heal. I am starting to feel like I have become a burden rather than anything to anyone and look at me now hoping someone will reach out to me when does it end It does not feel good",Depression +17864,Nobody likes me. Not even my family. Everybody bullies me. I have never had friends. I will be bullied and forever alone the rest of my life. I am committing suicide,Suicidal +17865,But tomorrow never comes. kind of cringey but its the truth I always say I am going get my life together tomorrow.,Depression +17866,i hate this i hate how i feel all of the time what is that point of me typing this no one is going to see it and whoever will is prolly some high and righteous cunt but yea fuck being alive this shit sucks i mean you start feeling like shit and become and a very bad mood all of the time and you need positive attention from friends and family but because you feel like shit and are in a bad mood no one cares for you now literally why should i be alive there are no reasons fuck you all i feel is failure,Depression +17867,"for all i know, the best is over and the worst is yet to come why hold on",Depression +17868,"Go figure the one therapist that actually managed to help me is leaving. I really liked her and we worked well together, she actually seemed to care and wanted to help me. I am not mad at her or anything but i am disappointed. I guess I am on my own again. My therapist is leaving her current employer",Depression +17869,"But there is always hope. And always a reason to stay. You just have to keep looking forward. (Easier read in your head, i know! )If your eyeballs are skimming this thread then know that there is plenty in this world that struggle. And it feels like everything to stop trying. But if you did then you would not be able to see what happens tomorrow. Because deep down, you know that NONE of us are guaranteed tomorrow. But would not it be something wonderful? To create your own Vision of what tomorrow will bring?Only you can write that story. So stick around human. Were all friends here. And the struggle is real! But we try to stick up for each other when we know were at our lowest. So make that your tomorrow. Choose to make a new story for yourself tomorrow. Whatever negativity and burdens you have. Just take a deep breath and let hold it in. Then. Release that breath and let go of your doubts and worries. And just know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. But damn dude you can create a new beginning every day. We all can. Its what humans do. I have been there. And I know its tough.",Suicidal +17870,"I feel worse than I have felt in a while. it is been good, right? I am going to walk, ..Probs i will not reply. Logging outI am destroyed. it is been good",Suicidal +17871,"I used to be so smart, at the top of my class. I had so much promise. But now I struggle with basic human functions and social interactions. Depression has made is so hard for me to focus on anything be it school, work, or even just taking care of myself. I feel like my mind is stuck in the past just replaying all the regrets and failures of my lifetime this leaving no room for any new information, new skills, or new ambitions. it is like a mold festering over mind, slowly shutting off parts of my brain untill I am braindead with no option but to end it. does anyone relate? Depression has made me so dumb",Depression +17872,"This is just one long rant.My family fights. Mainly, it is just Daniel and I, Daniel being the one my mom married before I was born. I do not consider him anything close to a father figure, but he is the only thing I have other than teachers, counselors, or school staff. Fighting has taken a toll on me, a lot. I am always the one at fault and he makes sure to phrase it in a way that makes me the one in the wrong, always. This has ended up with me scared of loud noises, feeling like a failure, feeling unloved, depressed, scared of hurting people, scared of being around people, scared of making mistakes, scared of offending people, scared of authoritarian figures that would coincide with father figures, defensive, rude in many cases, and in some ways, unable to properly read cues, though this might be an autism thing. For just over ten years, we have been digging a huge pit of anger and hate, mainly my hate for him, and the grief that comes with not feeling loved by someone who you see everyone else loved by. The depression stemming from the constant battling has ended me up in hospital three times due to being suicidal after fights, mainly because I feel like a disappointment. I end up wanting to punch him in the face, push him out the door, and lock every single entrance but I will never be strong enough emotionally for that. I am already a failure as is.I find it incredibly hard to cry, mainly because of how much I did in the early years, and have ended up being semi-violent when it comes to confrontations with him. I will end up throwing things or slamming doors because I want to get away from him at all costs, I want to put something in between me and him. This usually ends up with me wanting to kill myself, like today. I did the only thing I could think of in the midst of the pain and depression today, I left the house and walked to the open space nearby. there is a bench there I am fond of. I managed to cry up there. I am glad nobody was out today. I contemplated commiting. I am glad I did not. I contemplated running away. I am glad I did not. The only thing keeping me sane is the people I love and I hate it so much. I feel like I should live for more than just spite and to make others happy. I just want to be happy.The thing that hurts the most is when I see families having fun together. A dad and his child reading a book on the sidewalk. A mom and her daughter walking the family pets. A husband and wife taking their toddler in a stroller.It makes me feel raw hate. Hate to myself that I cannot be a better person. Hate to myself that I cannot have that because I cannot control what little temper I have. Hate that despite everything I do, he cannot take responsibility for anything. I hate it. I hate me.How can I be happy when my whole life is pain and sadness? How can I be happy when the person I am supposed to look up to despises me more than the dogs I pass in their yards? Why do the *dogs* pause to see if I am ok longer than he does. I want happiness. Please. I would give anything for that peace.tldr: I am in pain. I hate myself, my dad, everything I am. I just want happiness. I feel like shit and I need to rant. Thisll be long, you do not have to read. Tw; suicide, self harm",Depression +17873,"I asked him how it was different. Why taking a thyroid medication for the rest of my life to correct a chemical imbalance was better than taking an antidepressant to correct a chemical imbalance. He did not have an answer. My husband, who ""does not like"" antidepressants, was very excited at the idea that if my depression is related to low thyroid I could take thyroid medication to help it",Depression +17874,"My emotional and mental state pings back and forth, it is all over the place.I will be doing okay one minute then the next I am so close to ending it.But sometimes I can ease it out with just stupid mundane thoughts like ""oh, I really wanted to bake cupcakes soon"" or ""a new volume of that series I like is coming out.""The taste of homemade soup.The feel of my favourite jumper.Flowers basking in the sunlight.Dark and quiet nights with a full moon.I am so tired of living but these little things keep me hanging on.I know I will run out soon, though. But when I do, I have my plan for passing on. Is there anything that keeps you hanging on for just a second longer? No matter how trivial?",Suicidal +17875,"my mom has been pretty dismissive saying that I am probably not depressed just deep in teen angst ... since age 7, somehow. but then just said to me that my dad has been depressed recently because he cannot go out and see his friends. It could be that I do not see the full scope but I do not think so. I have said that I match all the criteria and she just says that I should not jump to self diagnosis based on the internet but then diagnosed my dad based on the internet. I do not want to have her pity me but I also hate when she says ""I do not want to be dismissive, but\_\_\_"" how do I make my mom stop being dismissive of my mental health",Depression +17876,"I am inadequate. I just looked in the mirror and I am deformed. Fucking deformed and I do not know what to do. I do not want to die alone but I know I am going to. I do not have any standards but nobody will even look at me. I am such a failure, and I am really sorry for anyone who was disgusted by the way I looked. I have always been nothing",Suicidal +17877,"There are books, movies, videos and things I want to do. But I really wish they were things I already experienced so I would not have to strain so much to find the energy to do them. Waking up is so hard already I do not know how I am supposed to get all these things done on top of the basics. it would be all too overwhelming. It makes me sad that I do not have the motivation levels Id like to have. I am interested in things but just not enough to motivate me.. its like this huge disconnect from me and life. I feel like its passing me by so quick and I am too slow to experience anything. I have been battling with this (and what is known as persistent depressive disorder) since 2013. I have made a lot of progress but life still has no colour to it. Does anyone else feel this way? I think I just want to know that I am not alone. I wish I already experienced the things that I want to experience",Depression +17878,"For years I kept thinking my life was going to kick off, but at 29 I feel my life has hit its dead endWhen I was 14 I thought I was going to start dating and eventually I wanted to get married and start a family, but no girls were ever interested in me. I have put myself out there and I can get girls to like me just never that way. Which I settled, thinking eventually that will change. I will find my perfect match and I wanted to respect everyone has their choices even if it meant friendzoning me. well 15 years later of nos and I am losing hope and with every rejection I become a little less confident.My social skills are not much so I have slowly crawled further and further in a reclusive state.When I was 18 I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, nor was I motivated to make the most of it, but my friend convinced me into enlisting in the military. As they had a lot of benefits and opportunities.I thought hey, this will jump start my life and can motivate me to be the best person I can be. So I joined the Navy, but between the massive amount of crappy leadership, everything becoming more unfair, the shitty hours in the hot sun, I felt the military did a lot to demotivate me. I felt like all my bad habits got worse and I became an even worse person.I left the Navy because I knew with the way things would progress that line of work would get worse for me on top of just not even being good at it.I got a decent paying job, my own place, I make ends meat fine, but I also fuck up a lot. My finances range from high to low over the years and now that I reaching what is essentially the halfway point of my life I feel like I fucked myself forever.That even if I did find the perfect career path for me, I am competing with other 29 year olds that have been doing it for 10 years and I am not even good at anything.I am lonely because I have never had a girlfriend or even my first kiss for that matter and I barely have any friends outside keeping in touch with one from high school. Nor do I even know how to meet people at this age and my introverted nature certainly does not help. I have made an improvement that I have spent this year dieting and exercising, so I am making at least some improvement in my life and I have taken some pride in that. But still, I have no one to talk to about these issues because everyone in my friends and family either has their own problems or they are just not someone who I can depend on.please help Almost 29 and I am so disappointed in myself and every year I feel worse",Depression +17879,I am done. All my friends left me. I have nothing left. it will only be a couple days until i can. I am going to do it. I am going to fucking do it,Suicidal +17880,"School begins for me on Augest 16th. I told myself Id gain weight throughout the summer, but no, I am still so freaking skinny. I hate it. Why do I have to be cursed with this fast metabolism? Why cannot I just look like a normal teenage girl? It makes me self harm :/ I am so damn stressed about my weight, it makes me want to end it",Depression +17881,"about a month ago they kicked me out. i was venting some frustration (alone, in my own room, without involving them) and i yelled and stuff. and i guess they did not know how to handle it so they kicked me out. they were also going on about how they want to live with a housemate who is friendlier and more interactive and I am too unsociable I guess, and they tried to convince me to move out for my own good. eventually i gave in because it got pretty clear that they did not want me around anymore. I am staying with my parents now and will go to my college dorms in fall. But I really cannot stop thinking about it. I am still not even clear on why they made me leave, they said a lot of conflicting stuff. I have always been bad at relating to other people but this really hammered home the fact that I am never going to fit in anywhere. I am never going to be comfortable no matter who I am with or where I go. not to mention how hard it is to get and keep a job when you are this bad at socializing. i cannot even do a proper interview. I am not cut out for this world and I do not want to be part of it anymore. Honestly I just want to be alone my housemates kicked me out",Suicidal +17882,"I do not deserve to feel good about myself or have the people in my life that I do as I keep going on a downward spiral with my mental health.I feel like I am watching myself and screaming at this girl to do something and I barley do anything. I barley have the energy for anything. The mistakes I made in the past still eat away at me. I hate letting people down or hurting them. I never mean to.At this point what good am I alive? I may want to achieve things but do I actually attempt to do so? No, always anxious or never enough energy. The same old thing: I cannot get past. I may be afraid but I am living a mediocre life. I deserve to die. I Feel Like I do not Deserve Love",Depression +17883,"Been dog sitting for a friend for about 3 weeks, away from my girlfriend, left with nothing but my own thoughts. I am on anti depressants but they do fuck all. My gf does not want to talk to me recently. I got my first job about a week ago, thought it would fix it, the novelty wore off and the realization that Ill be working for the next 50 is really giving me the motivation to hang myself.Pretty much made my mind up at this point, nothing to look forward to anymore. I would have liked to do so many things but maybe in the next life or whatever the fuck. Probably going to do it tonight",Suicidal +17884,"he is constantly on my mind. I feel debilitated. It fucking sucks. I want to be in his arms again, falling asleep on his chest. I miss my best friend. I am worried he does not feel the same or even think of me. Am I forgotten?? Missing my ex. Struggling with moving forward.",Depression +17885,I do not want to fucking live as much as other people say its the depression talking I am just simply not interested in living this life its literally the biggest fucking waste of time when I can get the shit over with quick. This life has no meaning and I just do not give a fuck about anything anymore its the same shit every day. What is the end goal. Like what do people actually want out of this and people try to pity me about other peoples problems across the globe when that literally does nothing. I just want to fucking die man like why bro people guilt trips me everyday about family when I simply just do not care about any of that at all. I am tired of feeling tired and drained every fucking day like why why What the actual fuck is the point of this worthless ass shit,Suicidal +17886,"Context: my girlfriend just turned 17and I am 20, we met in high school and she had a huge crush on me, and I had one on her as well. we have been dating for about a year now and she is constantly been under mental abuse from her grandmother(Ill just call her mother) whose her legal guardian. Her mother has been slowly deteriorating mentally over the last year. And now she is Fallen into this paranoia that me and my girlfriend are sexually active with one another.every time I go on a date with my girlfriend now she watches us like a hawk, and today I received an unexpected phone call from my girlfriend, with her crying horribly with her mother in the room. I made out the words the police have been informed.. muttered in the distance by her mother. Crying my gf says after this call we cannot talk to eachother... and that they are forcing me to break up with you. She begged that I not come after her. I did my best to remain calm and agreed, telling her not to worry or panic(she is been through very bad experiences in the past and suffers from anxiety attacks and depression) she also thinks she is causing me trouble all the time, I do not want her to hurt herself or worse... now I wait on my porch wondering if Ill see police drive up in a frenzy caused by the lies of a senile and evil woman. Oh god this hurts so much, it all happened a few moments ago. Please if you can help me, or guide me in the right direction, please do. I am considering going guns blazing or putting a bullet in my head. I think a restraining order was put on me, I need help",Suicidal +17887,"Hi reddit! Hope you guys have a good evening because what ever I type next is not going to be too happy.TLDR: I liked a girl, nothing more than just being friends, everything goes well. All the sudden started to push me away (she is about to leave for college), asked her why , she said she worries she crossed the line of respect. I ensure her that she did not. I think i just fucked up the whole thing. Like I just wanted to say a goodbye to her and even that seems to be difficult now.Am i just a mega failure? Felt like I fucked up everything",Depression +17888,"last time i talked to the lifeline they ended the chat within 20 minutes. this time they told me to just take deep breaths. showed no concern for me at all. they do not care, they want people to think there is help when there is not. the only help for the pain is death.on a different note, i wish my mom did not take away my knife. i want to cut my entire body and have scars on every inch to show people I am serious when i say i need help. they downplay it. i bet when I am dead they will think ""i wish there were signs""i have 1 reason to live, and its that i do not want my mom to grieve over me. she said if i die she will kill herself. but that is pretty much the only ""support"" she gives. if my mom dies before me, ill kill myself.there are no words to describe the pain i feel that has been building up for almost my entire life. the suicide lifeline does not care",Suicidal +17889,"Here we are again, the dark place in my mind that is convincing me I need to kill myself. I am completely alone, with no one to talk to that truly wants to hear my feelings and that is never going to change. No one cares if I am alive or dead, even my parents apparently. I have got this straight razor pressed against my wrist , but the guilt of having others take care of what is left of me is desperately keeping me away from doing it. I want to die , I need to die now. I do not know what the fuck else to do, and call this a cry for help call it whatever, but I am beyond over this life. Its been a good time , but I do not see myself succeeding in this environment. I am going to kill myself",Depression +17890,"there is a rope swing in my yard. I have practiced fashioning it into a noose, and undoing it before any member of my family could see. I have a tree, a rope, and chair, and all the motive in the world. All of my friends have been turned against me (as detailed in my post on r/sad), my parents and sister are awful people that treat me like a side act, every girl I have ever had feelings for has used me one way or another, and I just cannot seem to do anything right. I am a devote Christian, and I am prepared to make peace with my affairs and recompense in the face of God at the gates of Heaven, because at this point, the only person that cares about me is you reading this. But I bet I can change that, watch: I support Donald Trump. The fact that that will be enough to turn some of you away from this post only makes this easier. So its decided. The next time my mom, dad, and sister leave the property together, I will walk my chair into the yard, tie up the ole swing, and leave this nothing life behind. I have devised a plan",Suicidal +17891,"I have just switched SSRIs and I feel better, like I feel stable. However although I do feel better its like my brain can never switch off, I am not anxious but its like I have developed adhd because I feel like I always need to be doing something constantly, I find it near impossible to just sit or lie down and just watch a video or movie etc. And before you say it, no its not to distract myself from feeling crap. Like I just want to be able to relax again and just enjoy things. Help? Depression and Hyperactivity/ADHD",Depression +17892,"The only reason I stay alive is because of the sadness it would because those who love me if I was gone. Sometimes I am ok, but most of the time I am only hanging on for them. At what point is living for others no longer enough?",Depression +17893,I have just been told my friend is gone I belive I cannot do it anymore 2nd one tonight,Depression +17894,"I am recovering through a trauma since the last year. It started with brain fogs and reduced level of cognitive activities,then severe headaches and then finally I started passing out in middays.Sometimes when during passing out, I used to think I do not want to wake up again. I am in such deep state of confusion where I do not exactly know what is like to be normal once again. I cannot believe that I went through such horrbile shit. It is actually more hard to believe that I have come out of my problems.I do not want to loose myself and want to keep my shit altogher.But its getting harder and harder with every passing day.I need a new and a better life.I do not remember what my dreams were because I have forgotten who I once was.I do not know how will I start a new life altogether. Is this the real life or Is this just fantasy?",Depression +17895,Like why spy on people and watch what they do and then act all like we exposed him for what he really is?Then actively try to ruin their life by spreading rumours about them and then act all righteous or good.it is making me suicidal. I just want to know why they cannot mind their own business.,Suicidal +17896,"I thought I was doing better but my stupid fucking brain always makes sure that does not happen. I have been battling depression for so long and feeling extremely lonely, but I did finally find someone who I really love and care about who has made me feel happier. Despite this I know my worries and insecurities will always get the best of meI feel like Ill never deserve love. I want to feel safe and happy but I worry too much and I am too afraid of being alone and abandoned by the only person I love. The only thing that comforts the feelings of loneliness and fear of abandonment is thinking about how I could just end it all whenever I wanted, that I can just die and it will all finally be over. feeling hopeless again",Suicidal +17897,"So me and my friends were planning to go to a small concert together which i was rly excited about because i barely have any friends and nothing exciting happens in my life so of course i was psyched. Anyway she texted me and i did not answer for a week because i was not really on my phone and feeling like shit ( the text was unrelated to the concert), and today she texted saying she is going with another friend bc she thought i could not go because i did not answer the text. I do not know, i guess its on me. It feels like i always fuck up any good opportunity in my life and then I am usually alone. Nobody really cares. It sucks I feel so alone",Depression +17898,"24 Male- I am the black sheep of my fam. Everyone behaves and acts the same, even have their futures already planned. I am totally different and tbh I stopped worrying about my future some years ago (whatever happens, happens).- Everytime I feel things are changing for good it always ends bad. Literally, everytime.- I studied a career I did not want to. Mum and my fam was like ""oh you have to do this"" and when I suggested other career they said ""you will starve!"". Now I do not even care if I get the title.- Father left home like 10 y. ago and my mum only pays attention to my older brother and my younger sister. I have been the forgotten ""middle"" all my life. She feels joy when talking about them, and when somebody asks her about me she says ""oh, yeah, he is there"" and that is it.- Now that I can afford it I started having some therapy sessions, but I guess I have bad luck. My last online therapist prefered to watch a football game even though I make some free time from work (I wanted to watch the game too but responsibilities are first).- Tbh I feel envy seen others enjoy their life and have what they want. I just do not know what I want and feel like a garbage. Being a 24 y.o man without a future plan is like ""a scum"" for my fam and circle of people.- I have been depressed almost all my life (highschool, uni, now). Already tried to ""finish everything"" some years ago but well I gave my life one more shot.Now I think I should have done it. I really want to end this struggle / pain. I really want to end this struggle",Suicidal +17899,"If I do not score within a standard deviation of the mean for Step 2 CK, I am going to break up with my girlfriend in as brutal a way as I can. I am going to do it.I have no other hope. I am hopelessly in debt, with no way to pay it off. I can be a subpar physician, looked down on by classmates for the rest of my life, or I can end it. I have no family left soon enough anyway, and it is unfair to make my girlfriend bear the brunt of my shitty life decisions.I am going to do it publicly, so maybe someone can talk about how terrible our med ed systems are. I have to take my standardized exam next Tuesday",Suicidal +17900,"I wish I was not alive any more. I have no more fucks to give. I have been single for over a year, I have lost all my friends, nobody includes me, I got rejected from my dream job. Nothing I have done up to this point means anything. Its going to be so hard to build up a friend group and find a suitable partner and go back to my shitty job. I hate this world. No matter how hard you try, nothing matters or ever works out. I wish I was dead I do not give a shit about this stupid world of disappointment loneliness and rejection. I hate my life",Depression +17901,"I never thought Id get this far. My 18th birthday is around the corner and I still do not know what I want to do with my life besides end it. Sometimes Ill have periods where I am better because I went out with a friend or got out of the house, but it never lasts. Despite how long I have been in therapy I still cannot imagine my life as an adult, I still want to die. I am getting a lot worse again. I really want to die before my senior year begins. I do not deserve to be alive. I start my senior year this fall and I still want to kill myself",Suicidal +17902,"I am lucid dreaming a lot, even inside dreams of dreams. Going deeper levels I guess... When I want to wake up, I do something violent to myself. I end up in this level wondering if this is also a lucid dream but of a different kind. I wonder if I kill myself, what would happen... Maybe a new level appears, a higher one. Not going to do it thou. I am too coward for that. What if I do the same in this reality?",Depression +17903,"I have been working on getting better. I read a lot of your posts, and it disappoints me how many of us feel completely isolated from other people. Emotionally, we are trapped. Never feeling like we belong in the same existence as those around us. I do not know if that will change. Maybe someone will come around who things as I do, or understands my beliefs. The reality is, we do not know. So yes, I acknowledge how difficult this is for me, and so many of you like me. I do not have a lot of advice, and maybe this is me writing this to tell myself to listen but, stop worrying about the past. We lose people, we make mistakes, and we certainly miss out on opportunities. Moving through those past moments is the only option. Dwelling on situations that hold you down does nothing but solidify your beliefs of hate in yourself. Forgive yourself. They might never care that you are sorry, but you know you are. You know you grew from that mistake. My point is, sometimes you have to realize that you cannot gain anything else from constantly remembering the past. Some of us cannot help it, and I get that. Just do what you can. Be safe. Always reach out. The past does not own you",Suicidal +17904,i isolate myself as a form of self harm. i do not believe that i am deserving of loving relationships or social interactions where i feel wanted/truly appreciated.as a person who from childhood just enjoys the company of people my recent break up permantely reiterated tht no one wants to talk to me. i have been maintaing one friendship (barely).&#x200B;i just would like idk bro.....this is so crushingi wish i could afford to be happy/ to dieig tht is all since ion hve a phone to distract me and i have no one.&#x200B;goodnight you all just alternative self harm ig,Suicidal +17905,"Sayonara, bitches. Love well and live well. Just swallowed 60 pills. Bye bye.",Suicidal +17906,"I think if I had a gun on hand, Id be able to do it. I fantasize about killing myself everyday. The only thing that keeps my mind off it is moms cigarettes and stolen tequila. I am an object to my loved one. I get so fuckinh drunk I can barely see and we fuck in a car for four hours. And then they tell me they love me and I go home. I do not know who I am anymore, I just want to fucking die. I have nothing. I cannot pick up the guitar or game anymore. I keep having panic attacks. I cannot speak to anyone about it and I do not even want to. I feel like they are just getting in the way of the inevitable. I slept for five hours today in the middle of the day. The exhaustion of not using anything is getting to me. I hate it. I hate living. I want to jump out the window but Id only break something. I have cigarette burns on my legs that I blame on bad ironing. And I am still pretending like its fucking normal, like Ill get out of this, but I will not. I am too far gone. Most of my life has been hatred. I do not see any reason to change anymore. I do not remember what is its like not to think about dying. Its so fucking stupid. I do not want to eat. I do not want anything anymore. 1",Suicidal +17907,"The pandemic did a number on my mental health and I started having suicidal thoughts. Things got better after I got vaxxed but now with the delta variant and things getting worse, I cannot see a situation in which we ever return to normal. If masks and other restrictions are going to be a regular part of life for the long term, Id rather be dead I see no hope for the future. Contemplating suicide to spare myself the future misery",Suicidal +17908,"I have been so stressed lately. I have not gotten hardly any sleep. I have been depressed my whole life. For more than a decade. My parents used to be so excited about the colleges I wanted to get into and apply to and I was too. This was 4 years ago. Depression really hit my senior year of high school and I barely made it out of high school. My parents moved states for job promotions that year and they wanted me to go to a state college where they were because I guess they thought Id be better off. I chose this college over a much better college because I did not want to disappoint them. I actually had a great time at this college the fall semester. When the spring semester came, I got hella suicidal and my ptsd took full force. I started having nightmares and I got hospitalized. I dropped out of this college to be in the city of this college I really wanted to go to. Turns out i needed more credits to transfer so I took classes at community college. I was so motivated at first but then depression followed me once again. I dropped all my classes that semester and the semester after. I tried to do it but I could not. Then the next year I finally decided to take a break from college altogether. During that break I decided I really liked being in school so that next school year I kicked ass in all my classes. I made all As. Surely this would be enough to get me into the college I dreamed of going to. Or so I thought. I got rejected from it and now Ill be going to a commuter school that is not prestigious at all. I worked so fucking hard in grade school only for my depression to ruin every fucking thing. I do not even know if a degree would be worth the pains now. I just want to kill myself. I am a disappointment and failure. I should have killed myself at 17 instead of believed people when they said things get better. If I could see my future at 17, no way I would have missed the opportunity to successfully kill myself. I screwed up so bad. I am a failure who has no direction. Depression ruined my chances of going to a top college and graduating with my peers",Depression +17909,I hate seeing my mom so stressed because I know she is scared Ill do something. Same goes fr my dad but he is less subtle and straight up says get that thought out of your headIm so loved and supported why cannot I just get up and fucking do something worthwhile. Make my family happy.Only thing I am motivated to do is kill myself but I do not have the discipline to do it yet.Rip me I have never been this down,Suicidal +17910,Well I am just I do not know how to explain it I never have to anyone they usually just say oh your too young. So I was friends with some one and I message him ever day and I stop Messaging him for 1 day and he is just gone last time he was online was 22 Feb and I am worried about him and also I think my girlfriend goes out with my mate cus he left us to go sit with her and her friends and now she is ignoring me so you know . Hi I am just on the edge,Depression +17911,"Hey guys this is my first ever Reddit post. I am struggling. I have already had panic disorder, major depression and anxiety but this year has been really bad. I am 20 years old and my dad lost his job due to his alcoholism in October. I was not prepared for this and had no savings, my mom gave me some money that she had tucked away to help me move out, I moved out and my roommates were horrible to me and I was miserable, I ended up in a mental health facility with suicidal tendencies. After I got out I decided it was a good idea to move back in with my mom but out of a manic paranoid decision I quit my job. My mom assured me that if I took a month off it would be okay because my dad had some unemployment left, well turns out he does not, and the lease here ends in two months and I have $0 saved up to go any where and neither does my mom. We are on the verge of being homeless. I start a new job on Thursday but doubt I will make enough in two months to pay my bills AND move out. I am desperate for a place to live soyesterday I swallowed my pride and asked my sister if I could stay with her and her boyfriend for a few months because they have an extra bed room that they do not use and I thought I was really close with her. She straight up told me no and it crushed me. I love her so much and we have always been so close ands he knows the situation I am in. I know it is not her job to take care of me but Jesus Christ I am dying here. I do not know what else to do and I am scared the relationship with my sister is cracked now. My friend offered me a place to atay at her parents which is so generous of them but what about my mom ? Where is she and my dog to go. I could move into a place with her and help her pay the rent but I am so sick of my parents fincancial problems being my problems. Ever since we were little money has always been the topic of conversation . I feel like I was robbed of my childhood and young adult hood. I know it sounds like I am throwing myself a pity party but I did not get the same opportunity my siblings did, they got to stay with my parents until they were ready to leave, I am being forced into the world without a clue of what I am fucking doing. Anyways, I have no idea how to be alive I feel like i do everything wrong, and I make inpulsive decisions and I feel like a fucking failure at barley 20 years old. This has really taken a hit to me and my mental illnesses and I am struggling with suicidal thought agin. If anyone has any advice for me I would gladly take it . Thank you for listening if you made it this far. Hi I need help",Depression +17912,"Giving myself a few years if I do not plan on making any further attempts recently. My parents plan on marrying me off very early, and they have been expressing this to me since i just 12, maybe a bit younger. I am 15 now, and my parents still bring up the topic because of their obsession with marrying us off for some reason. I do not want to commit to thisi want to escapei want to fly awayi do not ever want to see them again it is either I run away or I kill myself. I am giving myself 5 years.",Suicidal +17913,"Iv been to therapy for so long that at this point my 5 year therapist just reminds me each session how much of a incomplete piece of shit Iam. Iv tried going to bars and clubs in hopes to learn how to socialize and got so many disgusting looks that it crushed my soul and caused a mental breakdown on my walk back home. So according to my therapist going to the bars and club is the final step. I was also told not to ask how do to get started improving myself because I should know where to start. So my brains just been a static mush there is so many questions with no answers. There are things that have to get started with no clear way to begin. All I could do I suffer in silence and beg the world to end my suffering soon. Every day I swear is like a new nightmare. I get to work with people who make alot of money and hear about their lives and what houses they are going to buy and make and trips they get to go to. Places I can never go since I do not make shit. it is like I am truly in hell always seeing people happy and enjoying life while I get rejected from it and get to see not touch. The people who hand out advice are the people who are already at the top. I have to scramble and work 1000% harder to experience 1% of what is given to them naturally. So I ask what is next? do not send the suicide hotline to me because I do not even have the guts, the will or the mental state to end myself because I am a fucking coward. Not sure what is next warning (venting)/question",Depression +17914,I feel like I have been alone my whole life. I used to constantly wish I could find someone to start a relationship with. It was at the point where it would hurt when I thought about it. But in recent months I have lost interest. it is like I want to be alone. It does not even bother me. it is just how I feel. I feel completely numb when it comes to what I want from other people. Is this something that most people experience? Alone for so long,Depression +17915,"I used to be so motivated to become something and be someone. Nothing crazy, did not want to be a famous world class neurosurgeon making billions, just successful in my own eyes living a quiet live with my partner. Over the past decade, I have ruined my education making my degree useless as I cannot get into any graduate studies, no work for my degree, the love of my life decided I was not worth it, and all of the friends I had that were my support system have not talked to me in months. My job sucks but nowhere else to go. I want to run away and be alone but that will only add more stress if I leave home and have to pay rent and for my own life and expenses. I want to die but cannot just do that either. I am doomed to be a loser loner living with their parents forever working at a dead end job. I am a loser and will not amount to anything",Depression +17916,I am over living its over rated and I do not like myself so why keep living? Over this,Suicidal +17917,"I am so miserable with my life. I feel so alone and depressed. I feel disconnected from my family, I feel like no one cares, I am sick of it. I am sick of having mental illnesses that make me scared to be alone and clingy and codependent I am sick of having to go through various coping exercises to deal with small issues. I am so sick of it. I want to have a normal brain and normal reasoning naturally, I do not want everything to be a wheel of mental torture anymore. I want to be normal so badly but its so hard. I feel so lonely and do not look forward to anything anymore. I just want this to be over, I have never felt so low before. I used to be able to find good somewhere but I literally cannot anymore. I just wish it would stop I am not sure how to do this anymore",Depression +17918,"Hey guys, its me again. I had total insomnia 2 1/2 years ago caused by cbd oil and Flonase nasal spray interaction. Now I have total insomnia caused by doxy. Had it for 1 1/2 months. I get acupuncture 3 times a week which helps me from having to go up on my meds. I take 200 mg of Seroquel. Some nights are rough. I feel I am up all night and sweat profusely. Other times my rest is better and I can get lots of dream state rest. Still I think of suicide. On the other hand I am holding on. I feel like Ill be like this forever but every one says Ill get better that it just takes time. I feel my gaba receptors are damaged and will just take time to heal. I do sleep its just my mind does not recognize it as sleep. I am afraid Ill be like this forever but on the other hand part of me hopes that my body can heal and I can start feeling like I am sleeping again. My mind says Ill never heal even though I healed from total insomnia last time. I am just so scared and I stress out my family even though I do not want to. I lost my independence again and I wonder if Ill ever heal again. Total insomnia from Doxycycline makes me think of suicide daily",Suicidal +17919,"I feel like I love tattoos because they give me something to look forward to. Its art on my body done by cool people and its exciting to plan and think about. I know they are not going to make me truly happy from within, but it still feels good for a short while.Its just that after I have got one and I wake up the next day, I am reminded that everything is still the same. Sure I have got some cool art on me, but nothing else changed because I got that tattoo. And nothing will change when I get the next, or the next. Maybe I am just in the come down from theadrenaline of it, I am just feeling really empty. I enjoy getting tattoos and I really love all of mine, but I guess I am also just trying to fill the void with them whenever I can afford to.Maybe I am just overthinking it, I have been pretty down today. I have also heard that post tattoo depression can be a thing, and maybe I should have posted this in r/tattoos but I just figured this was a bit more appropriate. So if anyone experiences similar feelings let me know, it would be nice to hear. Thanks <3 Depression + tattoos",Depression +17920,"The only thing that keeps me here is validation of my existence, without it, I am nothing and therefore should not exist.I never thought I would get this far in life, did not even think I would live to see adulthood.But now I am here and I am lost.I have intrusive thoughts everyday, the only thing that silences them is praise and love from the people I care about.I give my 100% to anyone I value and when they do not feel the same I crumble.I do not blame them, I do not blame the situation, I blame myself.Everything I do is to seek praise from the people I love, if I am not good at something someone wants me to be good at, then I abuse myself.I do not know what I want, the only things my brain has to say about myself is negative and constantly keeps telling me to end it all ""everyone is better off without you"" ""you get in the way"" ""you are a waste of resources"" ""you were never wanted in the first place"" ""you are defective"" ""no one will ever love you the same way you love them"" ""you are such an attention seeker"" ""everything about you is fake"" ""you deserved the trauma"" ""you are annoying"" ""you contribute nothing to the universe"" These thoughts leak into my everyday interactions ""I am sorry"" ""I am so stupid"" ""(insert self deprecating joke here)"" People have the audacity to tell me that I need to learn to live for myself, I have built my entire existence making others happy at my own disadvantage, it is not something that can be learnt from a book, I need actual fucking therapy.Everytime i try to be selfish and reach out, I never get the help I need. I have a traumatic childhood, history of abusive relationships, a pedophilic experience, self harm abuse etc and no one thought to check in on me? I would like to say I am wallowing and giving myself sympathy but my brain is literally out to get me everyday.I am not allowed to exist, let alone get professional help. Everytime i try to feel sorry for myself, I cannot because there is always someone less fortunate than me, so on top of my intrusive thoughts, insecurities, stunted social skills, and trauma, I can now add guilt to that list.I am so wrapped up in who or what the fuck I am that I am questioning everything I thought I was. I have no identity. No one cares to know who I am, and in turn, never gave myself a chance to know eitherOne more rejection will be the final nail in the coffin, I am so mentally unstable that it will make or break me, and I am scared for the latter.I wish I could tell my friends and family how I feel but I could not bear to be even more of a burden to them than I already am.Sorry if you have been unfortunate enough to find this post, I just needed some sort of message out there to the universe and see if it has anything positive to reply with Born to please others, will death be the only true selfish action I perform on myself?",Suicidal +17921,"i hate living,,i hate waking up everyday going to work for 40 hours a week to make jack shit,,i hate that i cannot even look forward to my relationship because we both get off at 5:30 and were both too tired to do much and then we have to go home and sleep and do it all over again. how am i supposed to be happy with this life when i have nothing to be happy for? and when i tell someone that i do not want to wake up anymore they tell me that everyone does not like to work you do not have it that hard,,just keep fighting and look to the future. if you were in my head you would know that its not that easy, its not that easy to look to the future and suck it up, I am tired of waking up to slave away for rich people,I am tired of being numb and broken inside and not having time for myself for my relationship,,,I am tired of being made to feel like I am over reacting and i should not feel this way i do not want to keep doing this",Depression +17922,Constantly suffering sucks.. I think I might just call this life short... I do not really think it will get any better... if anyone got tips to make it better I am all ears. Yea... I think its time to give up for good.,Depression +17923,"Ever since I was about 13ish. I think its because I feel like I am being tauntedthat I should be outside enjoying life, with people. I prefer when its cloudy and rainingthunderstorms are even better. The irony is I thought I had SAD, especially in college. But nope just all year(life) long depression. Sunshine, especially in the summertime, makes me more depressed",Depression +17924,(I live in Canada) I was thinking of ending it all during the summer by just not sleeping until I just die but is there a more efficient way? How can I kill myself at age 13 without a gun?,Suicidal +17925,Do you ever just hide in the bathroom? Is this normal for depressed people or am I just a weirdo? Dear fellow depressed people,Depression +17926,Idek what the F to fo anymore I randomly start crying throughout the day and I am always in bed. I get 10 sec of happiness each day randomly and that is it. Any advice? I wake up sad everyday and I HATE IT,Depression +17927,"Considering how bad I was during the new year, I am lucky I made it this far, but I think it is time to go. I feel empty rn and when I do not feel empty it is complete agony. I am sick of going day by day thinking it will get better, thinking maybe this will be the day I get help, when I really know that I am never going to get help. Unless something drastic happens, I will never get help. I am not capable of it. I do not do things unless I feel pressure to do them, and even my worst suicidal thoughts I got used to so I do not feel the urgency anymore. Maybe if my professors put ""call the counselling center"" as a graded assignment I would do it. But as of now it is not going to happen. I am going to kill myself one day, so why not tonight. Maybe if I survive I will get the help I need. And if I do not I will not have live with this stupid brain which seems intent on making my life as agonising and exhausting as possible regardless of how good my life is on the outside. Adios",Suicidal +17928,I just got banned from a video game I have been playing 24/7 for 14 days because I got mad and said some bad words I did not mean. But now I feel so empty. Like what am I going to do for 14 days?? I have such a long time to see human beings except my mom. it is like I have no feelings. How am I going to get through this?? what is the meaning of life? Idk,Depression +17929,"For everyone who does not live in the Netherlands, a dutch crime reporter called Peter R de vries has been shot a week ago and died today, I feel bad for his family, his friends and all his co-workers.He did the best things ever like finding people who murdered young kids and always being there for their grieving parents, he also crowdfunded millions of euros for someone knowing what happened to a missing girl.He did not deserved to be shot, if there is someone who deserves to be shot, it will be me.I was extremely cruel to animals between the age of 4 and 11, I almost killed a bunch of newborn kittens at the age of 5, I bullied little kids 6 years younger than me at age of 11 and my life sucks anyway by dealing with being bullied for being fat and ugly mostly in high school and currently on the streets and having a dad with alzheimer's who has treated me like shit, if I was there in Amsterdam with Peter R de vries I would have jumped in front of him so the bullet would have hit me instead of him because he did not deserved it, he is a good person.Not me, I am the scum of the earth and deserve a bullet between my eyes. Why the fuck do good people always die earlier than bad people like me? I have been suffering from my mistakes and my life right now and I am a psychopath living with depression. I do not blame my high school bullies and strangers on the streets for calling me fat and ugly because they are right. I am the biggest mistake ever, ugly and cruel.If I could give my life to let Peter live, I would do it. Dutch crime reporter Peter R de vries did not deserve to die, but I do",Suicidal +17930,"The job I worked at? Replaced after COVID. The relationship I had? Replaced due to not wanting to be in a LDR, thanks to lockdown. The apprenticeship was supposed to start in my exs town? Called off due to lockdown. Funnily enough this was supposed to be my start to how I beat my yearlong depression by finally getting the opportunity I needed in my life. Instead I had everything stolen from me. I spend every day crying, especially because I still remember how it feels like to be happy. And knowing that Ill never be happy again because everything constantly goes wrong is making it so much worse. I feel like life is a marathon , and while everybody around me is progressing, I was instead put on a treadmill, forced to stay behind running like an idiot while observing everybody get ahead of me. I have no social skills. I am ugly. I have no skills in general. I got fired from the majority of jobs because of these things, no matter how hard I try. I am on the edge. And lockdown madness does not seem to end where I live either. I was put on the therapy waiting list. Can expect a call within 16-18 weeks. So never. Its like life itself is telling me to fuck off. What do I do when life wants me dead? Hard work does not pay off",Suicidal +17931,Am free to talk if you want to get something out or for any other reason If anyone needs to talk,Suicidal +17932,"As embarrassing as it is for me to ask this, I want to know. Sometimes I feel like I am suffering from depression but I do not know for sure How do you know if you have depression?",Depression +17933,"The only person I really have to say goodbye to is my amazing boyfriend, but all I do is hurt him. I know no one else is going to miss me. But I wanted my last thoughts to be heard. Please, for the love of God, I hope my boyfriend will know how sorry I am. How sorry I am that I was not good enough, and how sorry I am that I am doing this to him. I just cannot keep fighting. Not anymore. After my abusive relationship and my dad leaving and my grandpa dying and everything else... I just cannot take it anymore. I have tried therapy, Partial hospitalization. I have had multiple attempts before. Nothing has made me feel better. I have been broken for years and I cannot keep living like this.&#x200B;Tonight, I am finally doing it. there is no turning back. I will call my boyfriend after I have taken the pills. I will tell him I love him so much. If I regret it, I will try and make myself throw up, then call 911 if that does not work. If neither save me, it was my time. I am sorry I was not strong enough to stay alive. I am Sorry",Suicidal +17934,"I checked myself into a hospital as I was having suicidal thoughts. I wanted help. I thought I would see a psychiatrist or mental health nurse and be able to go home soon. Where I live, it turns out they are allowed to hold you involuntarily until they do not think you are a risk to yourself anymore.Before I knew it, they took me to the unit that is completely locked up. This place was the absolute worst. Its so confined, people are screaming (some screaming about how they want to leave), the food was garbage, there were no group activities to learn how to cope and get better. It felt like I just checked into a prison. The outside area is all locked up and super small. It felt absolutely suffocating. I am pissed because I thought I would be helped on how I can cope with these thoughts, what to do, etc. Instead, the nurses just medicate the hell of you when you tell them you are anxious (because you are locked up and all you can do to pass the time is wander the halls). And you see the psychiatrist maybe once a day, sometimes every other day for literally under 15 minutes. What a goddamn joke. I will never, ever check myself into a hospital ever again. Granted it made me grateful as hell to leave and actually enjoy the outside, but I really thought I was going to lose my sanity in there. Mental health seems like such a fucking joke. I had to beg and plead with the nurses and doctors that I was fine and feeling so much better to eventually be let go. I just left a psychiatric ward and it was the worst experience of my life.",Suicidal +17935,I was not like a crazy alcoholic or anything just partying with my friends too much to avoid my anxiety. I am turning 23 next week and I feel like such a loser. I am in college for 3D modelling and animation and live with my parents. This week the girl I was seeing ended it and I also got rejected for a job I really wanted after multiple interviews. I have plenty of friends but I just feel more lonely around them. All I do is exercise to cope but I get home and feel like dying.Sorry this rant is all over the place just needed to like SAY IT such a shitty first week of sobriety,Depression +17936,"He just says Your emotions and feelings are entirely your choice and in your controlOr he will say You look tense and frustrated. If you do not smile genuinely, I will revoke privilegesIt makes me feel more like shit. It makes me feel worthless and hated.I just have to take a smile in front of him to make him think I am okay.A voice emerged from deep within my twisted mind, reminding me of how hypocritical I am.I never give him the genuine smile he expects from me. I am not good enough, so I do think that I deserve all of the things that he takes away from me.I should be able to just snap out of it as he wants me to.But I cannot, and that just makes me feel more worthless.I do not have the right to feel like this when there are people out there that have it worse than me.that is why I should die. My dad does not or will not understand.",Depression +17937,I am 26. I have so many things I hope to do - have kids- finish grad school- buy or build my dream house- grow old with my husband- travel more of the worldbut I also just think too often about not doing any of itcause not existing sounds so much better. Easier. Less stressful.I love living but it often feels like life does not love me how I need/want/wish for it to. Thanks for reading. If I am honest I never expected to live this long,Suicidal +17938,I cannot take this covid shit anymore. it ruined my life and my youth. Fuck this. I am sick of being inside all day. I want to die,Suicidal +17939,"Share your story. I have permanent nerve damage since 2019, I have had a liver infection since 2020, and both have significantly destroyed my mental and physical health/appearance (wasted muscles, etc)I do have a girlfriend and at this point I live for her. I want to get healthier and get past my health issues one day but I feel like Ill just get worse. I have no hope in myself Anyone feel suicidal over health issues?",Suicidal +17940,"I am depressed. I have told my parents. They do not believe me. Nothing normal there, they do not normally believe me. it is not because I am a liar, but because I am 18 so I do not know anything in their minds. they have said so. Everyday has been harder and harder to cope. I cried today because I feel like I am not good enough for my hamster. I climb out my window at 12:30 at night, and ran back in. After laying down for awhile I got up and I choked myself with ribbon, I stopped after a few seconds. I did not realize how bad I was. Of couse I thought about dieing, how, but I never thought I would act on it. I was spaced out. I just did it. I do not know what to do now. I do not know what to do now",Suicidal +17941,"I have been doing the best I possibly can, but nothing looks good, my psychiatrist keeps prescribing me the wrong meds, I have no friends, I lost my mom (she ditched the family) and lost the girl I loveand no one seems to really care, I have already Been through hell and back a few times and I cannot climb into the lightI swear I just want to end this bullshit, maybe on the other side there will be someone who loves me for who I am and does not hate me for petty reasons, anxiety is shit and nothing to help with it Fuck everything",Depression +17942,Suicidal again and frustrated. I want to be cured already. I am on meds and talking with my therapist. I want to be better..now! Again thinking about it.,Suicidal +17943,I get pretty bad mania when i drink and am on lexapro. Its starting to affect my life negatively now so I am interested if its a side effect of mixing them or just bipolar disorder. Do you get manic episodes from mixing ssris and alcohol?,Depression +17944,Heh maybe its just sadness weird feeling tho Can you relat to the feeling of having a constant surge of anger mixed with frustration ?,Depression +17945,"Feeling sad, anxious, worried, heartbreak, pain. I wish I can just feel numb. I do not care if that means I will not feel happy anymore because I rarely do anyways. I just want to be out of pain. I just want to be numb please.. I want to be numb",Depression +17946,"I just had the realization recently. Everytime when I am upset and someone hugs me, I feel extremely pressured. Like they try to suffocate my feelings and I cannot really express them. And the body temperature is too hot/overwhelming, I cannot look the person in their face, read their thoughs etc. Anyone feels the same or something similar? Or am I just weird? Hugging gives me no comfort. Can anyone relate?",Depression +17947,"I am 29, F, no friends, live with parents (we are not financially well off so please do not assume I mooch off of them...we have a long history with me paying rent and then abusing me for money)I have not worked in over a year because I cannot land another job. Had a few interviews but did not get the jobs. While I have a Bachelors degree in Business, I am only able to land low level office assistant work. There are few decent opportunities where I live. I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in this position many times before, and I get out temporarily, only to fall back in it. My mom is controlling and will not allow me to do anything on my own, she makes my dad follow me around everywhere...she gives the argument ""Well he needs something to do so he wants to ride in the car"" like a f-ing kid. I feel very strangled by my parents but without them I would be homeless because I cannot land a f-ing job out of the 300 f-ing applications I have put in all around the country (US).I am just sick of it all. I would be better off if I did not wake up. I am the most pathetic and useless person on earth. No one wants me - no friends, no relationships (had them but I am always being dumped), no jobs-- I feel like I am not supposed to be on this earth. I am useless. there is no point in going on but I wish I had an exit",Depression +17948,A mans hands is more representative of the hardships his life than his eyes. Looking at mine.. makes sense all scarred and callused. Simple thought,Depression +17949,"I am a 450 pound man that can barely walk, my life cannot get much worse. Is suicide underrated?",Suicidal +17950,"My life has been the same for so long. I wake up I play games inside I go to bed. I am so so sick of this. Is this just going to be my life until I turn 18? Nobody around here is my age and I usually do not have anything to do outside but I cannot just keep doing this anymore. I am tired of being lazy, I am tired of staying inside, I am tired of not doing anything and being demotivated as hell. But I do not know what to do anymore. All I do is wait. Waiting for what exactly? You tell me I do not know what to do.",Depression +17951,I have made promises to stick around but I cannot any more it is too uncomfortable all the time and I ca never breath and I feel like I want to tear myself apart to let some of the hurt out but It dosent work that way. There is only one way that works. I am too tired to carry on. I am not brave enough to write a suicide letter because I domt have the words to say to the people I love anyway. I am not sure why I am writing this. I am not sure I want help or if anyone can help. Probably they cannot. I think I am probably going to try and hang myself,Suicidal +17952,I am trying to make it short. I did some really dumb shit. I have hurt my friends. I have been an ignorant Idiot. I know that. I now see that I have not been a good friend to them. They kicked me out for more than a week and I know that does not sound like much but for me it was a long time. A long time do not getting replies to my texts I sent to the people that are my closest. Having to see how they have fun without me through social media did not help the situation. But the only thing I can say is I am sorry. Sorry for what I have done. And I have said that many times. I promised that I would change and I feel regret. But they do not believe me. Well they said they would but I know they do not. So I am asking you people of reddit.. How do I show my friends that I am really truly sorry about my behaviour and how could I make up for it? How do I confess to my friends.,Suicidal +17953,"I cannot stop crying. I know everyone would be better off without me after a relatively short transition. Some loved ones have even said ""life was easier when you were not here"". I asked for help today. For an hour my therapist essentially told me to try harder. I am so goddamn lost. I am too afraid to tell anyone I love how I feel. And I am so tired of being a burden. And I am so tired of fighting. So tired. My best friend told me it is my responsibility to get help that it seemed like I do not want to get better... But it feels like I am being told to jump hurdles with broken legs.I am too afraid of the stigma of inpatient that I would literally rather die than get help at this point. Between insurance and appointments being a month or so out I do not know how long I could even wait for help. Seriously, get better America. I have been through a lot lately but I should not even be this bad. People would kill for my life. I am just so tired...I will probably just go to bed instead today. It makes no sense. I do not want to die, but I feel called to leave.",Suicidal +17954,"After three years of medication for my clinical depression, and anxiety i stopped last week. My life had been quite traumatic previously to this, lost a father, had crazy family problems and was not having the best high school experience. After 6 years in total (three before the meds), I am so proud of myself. 5 attempted suicides and the trips to the mental health hospital ward at least three times a year (I am a guy btw). I am finally happy. My family love me so much, even if it does not feel like it. For anyone out there feeling lonely, you always have someone to fall back on, does not have to be family but someone will always be there i promise xps. if you are being recommended to start taking some anti-depressants, i can promise you the reward is a lot better than the risk. Lots of love, Stay Safe I am finally happy",Depression +17955,"I feel so incredibly numb. Like I genuinely do not care about anything anymore. I do not see a future for myself, I do not see tomorrow happening. I feel like I am living on some sort of play set and everything is so fake. I feel like I am on a tiny boat somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and everything is just so, so far away. I want it all to end. I just want it to go back to how it used to be. But I know it will not. I want to die but I feel like even if I do, that too will not be real. Nothing/nobody feels like home anymore. I have not even graduated yet. Please get me out of this hellhole. I am so numb",Depression +17956,"About 2.5 years ago I was severely depressed and suicidal. My whole life fell apart and every day was torture. Though, now that I have my life back on track, despite the ever lingering depressive thoughts, I miss the carelessness of being depressed. Back then I was at my end. I had nothing to lose except my life which I did not value anyway. It gave me a great sense of freedom. Ironically, that same 'having nothing to lose' feeling/mindset is what helped me get out of my depression and rebuild my life. It is a powerful feeling when you having not to lose but everything to gain. In a relatively short amount of time, I managed to get back to my studies, get a new place, new friends, a girlfriend, several jobs. it is good I guess, but now I can no longer be or even feel careless. I have things to lose now, and so with it comes the fear of losing it. The constant worry of having to maintain these things and keep going is exhausting. From time to time it makes the depressive and suicidal thoughts come back or worse. it is like a paradox from which you cannot escape. A limbo of suffering. I miss the carelessness of being depressed",Depression +17957,I am 29 y/o male with severe anxiety and depression. I feel like my world is crumbling before my eyes. I love my mom more than anyone on this planet yet I am always so mean to her. I have been so disrespectful to her and everytime I do it I hate myself more and more. I feel like I lose control of myself. I am currently unemployed and the bills are just piling up...I lack the ambition to get another job and just want to work from home...I guess be my own boss...Idk...I always end up bringing the depression to work and then I start to get hateful and feel like everyone wants me gone...I feel that no one takes me seriously and I actually understand them for that. Why would anybody. I live with my two best friend's and they have careers...I am scared that I will not be able to afford rent...I have no health insurance. I am just soo fucking tired of feeling this way...sorry for the language but it is raw.I do not know why I am even posting this but I feel like I need to.I know it is a cluttered mess but it is what is on my mind.I feel like it is impossible for someone else to feel as down as I do right now but I also know that there are others that do...I am SO sorry for anyone else that feels this way...it really really sucks... I am at a loss,Depression +17958,there are many bad moments in my life. one of these days I plan to kill myself. Hello,Suicidal +17959,Can overdosing be painless? I just want to go to sleep and never wake up Overdosing,Suicidal +17960,"I have been feeling like shit for this last few weeks and it is gotten worse and worse the worse spiral I have had I am a while and after a row wit my boyfroend tonight who wants to end things with me because I am never going to go anywhere with life I feel like he is confirmed everything I ever thought and maybe I would be better off goneever since I was a kid I felt deep down like there was something wrong with me and it was like everyone else could see it. bullied through school which ended in an eating disorder, depression and anxiety all through my teens up until today which has ked to crippling shyness and issues with my emotions, I have self image issues and insomnia that never gets better. I am newly diagnosed with ADHD(yes I am on medication and starting therapy, but therapy has never helped me before) which answers so much but leaves me with even more questions about my self worth. sure it explains why I have never been able to focus or do things I need to, it answers why I have always felt so wrong and why I have always had issues with my emotions and co trolling myself, but it also makes me feel like I am just even more likely to fail at life. my boyfriend does not even want a mentally ill me. my mother never did. I feel unmotivated and unhappy every day, I feel like I can never properly sort things out no matter how hard I try. And it feels like I try so hard everyday I wish I could explain to everyone how hard I am trying and I know I need to sort thins out (Today I contacted all my debtors but that is not good enough apparently even though it was so fucking hard) and get nowhere and I am so fucking tired, I am so tired of trying and trying and being told its not good enough. I am not confident enough, I am not smart enough, I am too distracted and too emotional. my boyfriend (ex??) was right tonight. I am going nowhere. it does not matter how hard I try. started smoking weed a few years ago at uni and its one of fhe few things that makes me feel normal, happy and less anxious bit it also makes me a bigger waste of space.mental health does not excuse me not being confident enough to speak to people or the fact I forget things maybe this is just my personality and I am just a pathetic person who is not capable of living. I am always just going to be a pathetic little girl who does not do enough. my head hurts from waking up and trying and I just want to stop. please, I just want to not have to try anymore and be what everyone wants but I never will be and I just want to stopeveryone leaves me because I am such a waste of space. I think its a good idea to take the weight off their shoulders and leave for them. For good. I think I should leave",Suicidal +17961,"I understand depression i used to suffer from it as well when i was younger, but what does it take to be a good bf for someone that suffers from it? How can I be a good bf for my gf that suffers from depression?",Depression +17962,"I feel very bad, forgive me for thisin a couple of days, I plan on killing myself. Hello",Depression +17963,"I have been working hard on improving myself, reducing my pain. But no matter what I do i feel lost. I am fighting a losing battle. Wish I could die than go through this daily. Why is it so hard to just live a normal life? Is it too much to ask if I am looking for a friend? Life is so fucked up and all the small happy moments that I rarely have feel like a mask I am wearing to pretend I am happy and hide my pain I am trying hard but nothing works",Depression +17964,"Men do not have intrinsic value. We have to create our value. that is just the reality of life and I have failed in creating my value. I missed out on my best years. I was born poor and grew up ugly. I am almost 23, and not long until 30, I have not had a single friend, no money, failing uni, no future at all. If I am going to suffer loneliness and everything else for another 50 ish years, then why not cut it short? As a man, I only have value if I provide something, I cannot provide anything, therefore I am worthless and will hang myself.",Suicidal +17965,"So basically I am still living with my parents and in september i will move to an other city. The fact that I will live alone scares me because I am already in a real hard depression, and loneliness make it 10 times worse. Really concerned about my depression for next year",Depression +17966,"online school is stressing me out so much. NSW is back in lockdown for the month which means online learning. I have attended all my classes except maths so far because fuck maths, it gives me so much anxiety and when the fuck am I ever going to have to use my knowledge of the area of a parallelogram in the future? All I need for a psychology degree is know-how in statistics. Also, fuck mood shifts. I just want to run away. god fucking damn it",Depression +17967,I have always had pain deep inside me and I feel like I am unwanted and a major inconvenience to everyone I know. I am sorry for being a pain and tbh I genuinely cannot find where I went wrong so that does not help. If anyone could talk about feelings like this it would be a major help. Just feel totally alone,Suicidal +17968,"I do not really have a person i can talk to on a deep level so I am going to word vomit a bit right now. The past week has been pretty good, i reached some pretty big personal goals and even went on a wonderful trip with some friends. But today since i woke up I have been getting hit with these big waves of sadness, disappointment, and self-hate. I tried to meditate, which usually helps but i ended up just feeling worse and started crying. Even crying usually makes me feel relieved but right now all i feel is this never ending pain and despair. I know if i tough it out and continue working hard on myself, ill be okay eventually. But waiting on time is really starting to feel insufferable and i do not know how much longer i can go. I have always struggled with suicidal thoughts and I have always been able to subside them, but it sorta feels like I am going to lose this fight. As I am writing this i feel myself disconnected from my body so i think I am dissociating haha do not know where else to post this, do not know who to turn to",Suicidal +17969,"I have started to struggle with completing routine tasks, especially those that have deadlines. Somedays I want to work and I set a schedule for myself though I always fail at following it. Time management is something I have become incapable of. I have been extremely depressed before even had suicidal thoughts, but time management was never an issue. I was extremely satisfied with myself in January, and thought I fought the depression I had in 2019. Time seems to fly away, I do not know where it goes. It keeps running away, and its going faster and faster. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, staring at the same feed on my phone over and over again EVEN IF I am FEELING CONTENT THAT DAY. Another aspect I have noticed is that I am chasing excitement, thrill. And without that life seems completely boring and I cannot even seem to get up from my bed. I get excited whenever I buy something, even if it is completely useless. (btw I just remembered I need to take out money for the book I ordered) I eat a lot. I want to eat all the time, I keep on wasting and ordering food. This food problem is getting out of hand because I already have strict definitions of what body type I should have rooted in my brain. I just spent 30 minutes on a food delivery app trying to order something even though I am not that hungry. I kept searching for Baskin Robbins even though I knew it was closed. I keep on opening the fridge even though I know there is nothing inside. Somedays I lose all ambition completely, but usually I have long term goals which I always keep failing at, I am extremely unlucky. There is something against me, even the smallest tasks I attempt become increasingly difficult, and an array of problems pop up out of nowhere. Today, I did not get out of bed for 6 hours straight. I am writing this rant that probably no one is going to bother reading, because I have nothing better to do with my life. cannot even find new music that is good and the thought of which would get me excited to go through the day. I do not have any friends, there are people I would text and meet but now I have grown distant to them too. I do not meet anyone, I only text a couple of people on and off. None of them were my real friends anyways, they were just there to make this journey bearable for sometime.P.S. I was diagnosed with depression unofficially by a local clinical psychologist last year, just before COVID spread. I was way more content during lockdown and even more so when life began to get normalized after it. Everything is currently normal in my country, so all this is not an effect of a lockdown. I have never felt like this before, could it be depression in one of its forms?",Depression +17970,"Every single fucking time I try and reach out to someone, assuming they are human, assuming they care because ""people are so decent bro you just need to talk"" I just get FUCKED and put into a place way worse than I was before I even knew them. People deliberately go out of their fucking way to not just reject me, but do so in the most painful and manipulative manner possible. If there is any possible way I could muster the will to keep living in my 3rd world shithole country where I am a loathed minority, I need to completely rob myself of any emotion. I need to accept that I am unlovable, will never love and that the concept of companionship is something I will never have....and that by itself is fucking making me so miserable.. I do not want to live like that. Now I am alone and all I can do is drink and cry in the middle of the night and I am tired of this song and dance. there is no way I can keep this up and I am afraid one day I will snap and actually kill myself. ""just socialize bro"" is genuinely making me want to off myself even more.",Suicidal +17971,"I have autism, epilepsy, dyscalculia, and OCD. The only other person in my family with epilepsy is my mother, but nobody else in my family has the three others. it is so unfair. A lot of these dominate my entire life and make it absolute shit. The thing is is that I love my family, especially my dad, so I do not want to make them upset if I commit suicide. I just wish there was a way for everyone to completely forget that I ever existed after I die, and sometimes I wish I was born in a different era so that I could just be some average person who nobody will remember in the future. I know this is not as bad as some of the other posts here but I still hate living like this and I often feel like the best way out is death.I hear voices constantly, and much of the time they keep telling me that I am worthless, that the world has no use for me and that everyone would be better off if I was dead. Sometimes they also tell me that people are ""after"" me and that they want to either humiliate me or look bad in some way, that people are actively looking to ruin my life as much as possible while trying to let me live through that as long as possible. Sometimes I feel like my family is at risk too. And these can last for ***HOURS*** on end, for almost every fucking day. People keep recommending me to seek therapy but I ALREADY TRIED THAT and it works temporarily but then it just comes back shortly after and it gets even worse. Therapy does not just magically make it all disappear.Sometimes doing things like drawing and piano playing helps me to calm down for a bit, but then the thoughts come back. it is also frustrating because I am autistic so I only have very narrow and specific interests to keep me occupied.Some people say that autism, epilepsy, dyscalculia, OCD, etc. are things to be proud of but I do not quite understand that, since there is no real benefit that any of them have to my life, they only because complications and suffering.Is there anyone in a similar situation to mine? Feel like a defective human being",Suicidal +17972,"Yup, you read it right. Not an ounce of hope left in me. Future seems dark and painful.Wish me luck. Finally doing it",Suicidal +17973,"I look at other people on here and i think how lucky i must be. I look at other people in life, homeless people, anorexic people, people that pay for their own gas, people with lesser brain power, and then i think about how I am not using my position in life to its fullest. This is what makes me lay down and sit there for hours. After doing this for a week, i realized i have depression. Then i get down on myself for my depression and i get depressed and its a vicious cycle. Someone smack me out of this. Help me",Depression +17974,"No matter what I do or how hard I try, my family just never bothers with me. Its been like this for the past year and it is really fucking getting to me.I ask my dad to teach me how to ride a bike and all I got was ""we will do it tomorrow"" for the past week.People tell me to ""talk more"" yet when I do, no one listens.It took me 2 months to get a credit card because everyone that I asked to help me just kept saying ""we will do it tomorrow"" or ""I will help you later"" in the end I had to do it myself.The list goes on. I ask people online and they just say ""tell them how you feel"" yet when I do I just get sarcastic comments because they think that I am joking, apparently storming off and having a mental breakdown is me being spoilt. I even tried running away for fucks sake and I got brought home and everyone forgot about it and carried on the same shit in a day. A fucking day.My dad told me ""get off of your fat ass and go make some friends"" because I did not feed a dog that I thought had already been fed.Life is so shit. I am sick of people saying the same shit then going around telling people that they saved me. Fuck people man. My family never pulls through for me and they do not care about me.",Depression +17975,I once read that I should aim for the brain stem for instant death and its right below the ear on the outside of the body. Is this true? Where should I aim the gun to instantly die,Suicidal +17976,"I am starting to feel like some people (myself) are just unfixable. Too much confusion in my head and heart. cannot make sense of it, and when I try to explain it comes out wrong. I feel muddled and jumbled inside all the time. How can anyone help me, even if I reach out, if I cannot even explain myself and issues properly or accurately? I cannot understand myself. Always, always, in two minds about everything. Always unsure of how I feel, what I think, what I do. Feeling like a monster. Like a fraud. Like I am undeserving. But I want to be deserving, I want to be authentic. I want clarity! In my head and heart. I want to be healthy. But I am afraid, I am just too toxic. Too toxic to ever get well. My foundation crumbles to dust in seconds. I feel unreachable, unable to be helped. As much as I want to get better, I am afraid that is just not possible. Could it be...",Suicidal +17977,"My husband has a ton of his own problems, and has been very suicidal in the past (actual attempts), mostly before I knew him, but he has been threatening suicide since I have known him. There is a bunch of complicated reasons for everything here, but I am not going to go into details. We have a 5 year old daughter. She was not planned, and we were not married. He is not an involved parent. I am basically a single parent. I take my daughter to visit family often. When we are home, he does not spend any significant time with her and he has never done any caretaking. He blames his lack of involvement on the fact that we are often away, and then on his own mental health problems. He blames me for everything.This morning my daughter was screaming and hitting me and coming after me because I said no to something she wanted. I left the room and went into the room he was ""sleeping"" in. I put it in quotes because he was trying to just sleep through all of it, though there was no way anyone could have. I asked for some help. Like, just some backup, someone else to come in and just say no and hold the boundary because she was physically coming after me. We DO NOT physically punish our daughter and try not to even yell. He got up angrily and berated me for not being able to ""defend myself against a toddler."" I figured at that point that I had made the wrong choice involving him but I could never have guessed what was coming. We got to the bedroom door that she had slammed and locked. I was bending down and picking up the key thing that had fallen off the door frame to unlock the door, when he just grabbed the door handle and slammed his shoulder into the door, breaking through. The force was like when police bust through doors in movies, and it all happened so fast.My daughter was standing RIGHT in front of the door on the other side. Like, holding the handle, when he did this. The door knob hit her in the forehead with unimaginable force, and she went flying backwards over some stupid wooden rocking horse that was by the door. I have never in my life been so shocked and scared and angry, I could not believe what had just happened. I ran through the door, immediately picked her up and brought her to the bed and just held her while we both cried hysterically. I know that parents are supposed to stay calm when injuries and things happen but I just could not in this situation I was basically hyperventilating I was crying so hard. He immediately started minimizing what had just happened. Arguing semantics when I screamed ""why would you break the door down?"" (Saying ""I did not break it down, I broke through"" - like, big difference??) And then almost blaming her for standing by the door when no one could have predicted what he was going to do, especially her. You cannot see through a door, and you should just assume someone might get hurt if you break through it with no warning. Kept calling it an accident, and while I understand that it was not the same thing as walking up to her and punching her in the face, he still made an angry, violent choice with no regard for her safety. He also kept saying it was nothing compared to what would happen to him at his parents' hands, like that somehow makes this better, or less damaging.A nurse advice line was called. She is not showing signs of concussion. But what the actual fuck. I do not feel like I can forgive this. I started packing up. I feel like I need to get my daughter away. Like permanently. I admit that in my immediate shock, anger and fear I was screaming things at him like, ""do not touch her!"" And ""we are done, we are never coming back here!"" So after things calmed down a bit, he started what I knew was coming. He started deflecting all sorts of things in all sorts of ways - he all but accused my parents and me of beating her when she gets normal bruises and scrapes from playing/tripping while running, etc. ""because he does not know what we are capable of and he is not there to see."" And he said that whenever I lose my temper and yell at her it is arguably worse and more traumatizing to her than ""this one mistake."" Next he started saying that he will wait til August but he is just going to kill himself. Because of all the reasons, but especially now because I am basically saying we are gone and this life is over now. I understand that suicide is not inherently selfish, but can you imagine being a little girl who got a severe head wound when her dad bust through her door in a fit of anger, felt at fault for standing there in the first place, and then a couple weeks later, her dad kills himself after basically telling her that this ""accident"" is the reason why? she is not a baby, she will remember this, but she is also not an adult who could separate his existing problems and not blame herself. So I am completely frozen. All I want to do is get away from him, but I know that if I do, the chances of him actually killing himself skyrocket. there is no one to call for him. All I could do is get the authorities involved and have him committed or something. I am also afraid to go to my family and tell them what happened. I cannot lie, I cannot teach her to hide what actually happened, that would be terribly damaging. But when I tell them, it is all over. They already have issues with him but they put up with him because he is her dad. They sometimes voice fear about us going home and ask if he would ever hurt us. I have never had reason to believe that he would, but now all of that is changed and there is no going back, whether this was a mistake or not. He will not be welcome at their house anymore, and they will not allow us to come back here.I feel like this is completely my fault. I should have just given her what she wanted before it turned into a tantrum. I should have never involved him. If I had not said no to her and then gotten him involved, none of this would have happened! She would not have gotten hurt in this awful way, and he would not be threatening to kill himself over it. It is my fault.I have no idea what to do. I tried to open a crisis chat a bunch of times before I made this post but I got too scared that they would be like mandated reporters or something, be able to track us down, and that would just make everything worse at this moment in time. I do not know why I am posting this even. I have no one to talk to. I am sorry. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +17978,"[One]( um, there. I made an ass of myself having an emotional breakdown, and put some of my IRL personal baggage on display in r/memes of all places, so, might as well put it here too. Read it or do not but at least I finally posted something instead of just writing it and erasing it. Imma go have a cry. I recently commented all of the things that I should have but could not make myself post here.",Depression +17979,"I am alone, I have no friends and I think nobody wants me. I do not know why I am still alive, all this does not make sense... I want to die I need a hug",Depression +17980,I am chronically depressed and i want to try weed instead of seroquel 200mg. I have done a lil research and found that i can do weed even if I am still on lexapro but not seroquel. Anyone try weed and it work better? Weed in place of seroquel?,Depression +17981,"But here I am none the less.. I am probably going to ramble a little here as I am not expecting anyone to actually read this, I am using it more as someone to talk to, somewhere I can unload my thoughts instead of getting lost in my head.. I wish I had someone to talk to.. I did actually have that luxury, I had a girlfriend who I quite literally adored and still do but unfortunately she cheated on me and despite my best efforts to forgive and forget she wants nothing to do with me, she says its because I begged for her to stay, which I do honestly regret doing, lesson learnt lol but do I really deserve to be abandoned by the person that told me they would never leave and they would always have love for me, no matter what.? As for my home life, it is not the best either, I recently put my hand through glass because I guess it is a more explainable and accepted version of self harm. I have doen this more than I am proud of but sometimes I feel like I cannot help it and the sudden release and the adrenaline and pain is kind of soothing. The urge to cut myself has gotten worse these past few weeks, my mental health is definitely on a decline. I have not felt any love since my girlfriend left me, that coupled with the continuious mental and emotional abuse at home is making life unbearable. I am tired of getting threatened, I am tired of being called every name under the sun, I am tired of being compared, put down and belittled. So. Fucking. Tired. Recently I have started to care less about what my family think of me, which I guess is a good thing, yes they can still make me sad but if I get out of here I will no longer feel bad for leaving them in my past. I think any attempt at rebuilding any bridges at this stage is out the picture. I am going to try and post here if I feel the need to vent, however brief the post may be, hopefully this will help clear my head. I know this post is not the best conversation starter but I am honestly so lonely right now I would love some friends or just a conversation. Well, I never thought I would be posting here..",Suicidal +17982,"I was crashing down, i was in bed and I was really comfortable and then something woke me up and then I turned off the lights and I started dreaming about really horrible things and now here we are... wide awake. eyes open. have not slept more than 1 hour in the past 35+ hours, I cannot sleep",Depression +17983,"I started self harming again, I use self harm of a few kinds such as food punishment and gym but I have started physically cutting again and I cannot even feel it anymore. I really feel so done, what is more is I get so pissed off at myself how many times I post on here and overthink my post delete it just to post something else another day when I struggle... I am pathetic There it is",Suicidal +17984,28 yr old female Need advice on whether to move back home or stay in expensive area.. where I am..job hopping concernsHello everyone! Needing some help on what to do. I am originally from TN and moved to FL with my parents bc why not its Florida!! Lol I was living with my mom and moved out of a condo I was renting alone bc to expensive so moved back in with my parents. My mother is highly toxic and I just cannot live here any longer. I have put up with it my whole life and I am getting older now so I just need to get away from her. Well living in Florida is so expensive and I cannot find a decent apartment under 1300 a month for a 1 bedroom and I only make 13 an hour!! I have doctor office receptionist experience and I can find a much better job in Nashville that pays more and has more apartment options. I looked to check. I have made some bad choices changing jobs too often. Longest was 2 yrs and then 1 yr and a half and job I am at now has been one year. I am worried I will not find a job in Nashville because i have changed so much. And I finally like where I work now but they barley pay anything! Its a small buisnsss. Do I move anyway regardless? I feel bad leaving the company which I love. No roommate options available I do not really know many people here in Florida otherwise Id do that Thanks guys!!!!! Need advice,Depression +17985,I do not know what to do. I will not get better... At the train station,Suicidal +17986,"I just do not know what I feel anymore. I feel like a ghost, just going through all the motions in life. it is weird, I know. This is not what I normally go through during a episode. I just feel very stupid, ""out of it."" Like..an earth worm. Just doing the things to keep being alive. Eating, sleeping. I am being very careless and stupid. Driving idiotically, just being aloof and out of body. Tried to hook up with a complete loser and piece of shit. Even my friend was disappointed, saying she thought I was smarter than that. I am smarter. But recently, not so muchI just try so much to care or motivate myself for the things we all look forward in life. Money, getting a job, being with friends, love and sex. I just do not know where I belong. I get upset at everything. I am filthy. As odd as this sounds, I feel like a failure. I have not felt like that for years.Still no luck with finding a job before college. At this point I hate the idea of it even. I have not enjoyed sex or dating at ALL. Every little thing just pisses me off or makes me inpatient. I will try meeting with people whom I think I will like and just completely get them out of my life before I let them in. I know it is so fucked up but I just want to feel at peace with myself. Enjoy company. Enjoy sex and the luxuries of getting that sweet, sweet paycheck. it is sad, before anyone points it out. I do not even want to die. I just feel like I prefer being a nice place away from everything. Before someone points it out, yes it is unhealthy. Staying in bed all day is unhealthy I am in a phase of life where I just want to be a quiet little place, and it is hurting everyone around me",Suicidal +17987,"Everything I do is a farce and, a pathetic attempt to make up for how I hurt the people who trusted me. I have been suicidal since I was 10 and should have been dead well before now. I am considering buying a gun and ending it. It will be one last time of hurting others, one last failure on my part to them. But I cannot stick around only to commit even more wounds and betrayals. I am well overdue to be dead.",Suicidal +17988,"i used to be so confused why, and i would talk to my friends about if i was sad, my parents, anyone really. but oh nooo that does not happen now. and i hate ityou just cannot say anything. because you do not want to be judged, made fun of, all that. so you just sit there is silence thinking about it for way too long until you snap out of it or someone finds you so you have to pretend like nothing happened. every day. like right now, I am confused about a girl, i miss her a shit ton but do not think she misses me at all. i moved country and most of my friends from home fucked off to some other people. and i feel lonely as fuck. but really who cares. truly not many people do. so whateverthanks for letting me rant, have a great day i never really understood how guys just could not talk to anyone about their problems. but holy shit now i do",Depression +17989,"I was majorly depressed by the end of 2018 and decided to get help in 2019 and finally go to therapy. I went for about a year and everything seemed to be turning around. I got accepted into architecture school in 2020 during the beginning of the pandemic but thought everything would be fine, but remote learning was not for me and i dropped out mid-second semester and now I do not really know if the profession would suit me. Along with losing my job that I have had since I got out of high school (7 years) almost a month ago, I am feeling really down and do not know what to do with my life. I badly want to get out of the retail rut and find out what I want to do but I constantly feel scared at trying out new things and just feel like I am not good enough to do anything else. I have been looking at my certificate courses at my community college but nothing seems to appeal to me; I feel like nothing appeals to me in general anymore. I feel like all the artistic passions and drive I had growing up are just now gone and I just do not feel like doing anything. I have constant brain fog and feel I even have a hard time communicating now to the point where my speech seems so slowed down now and I have a hard time finishing sentences or thinking. Not to mention that I think my phone addiction also plays in all of this as well. I do not know what to do or where to start. I just do not know what to do. I feel like I am back to square 1",Depression +17990,"it is midnight. I was annoyed that my wife snored. could not sleep with too many thoughts flying around. My dear old brain ended up thinking about my determined way out. I saw myself lifeless on the bathroom floor, my wife devastated, calling an ambulance. Would she open with ""my husband killed himself"", or ""he is bleeding""? There would be lots of crying. I cannot do that to her. she is my everything, and she deserves so much better. She lifts me up everyday. Out of the sewer hole I keep waking up in. I cry silently, lying next to the love of my life. She does not know.she is been telling me to see a doctor--again. Two therapists already tried. They were boring. we have moved twice since. And of course, it takes me years to get to a point where I can call a doctor to discuss the world--my brain's world. My wife looks at me and cannot understand why I do not ""do something about it"". But surely, I am normal? that is what I have been told to expect. Average. Average people are not depressed. they are down sometimes, and will soon be alright again. And then I snap out of that thinking. I feel fine sometimes, but it is just the commercial break before the next reality show.I really need to make that phone call. I am wondering if I should tell the doctor this has been going on for 13 years, or 25 years. Depends how you see it. I have always hated the world, ever since I was a teenager. But it is only in the last decade that I truly wanted to get out. Once a week or so. My latest revelation is that alcohol allows me to feel happy. That scares the living shit out of me now. I would probably lose the best person in my life--like so many have before me--to that poison. Drinking has not been a problem of mine. I have rules, and do not like being wasted. Will it stay that way? Anyway, this is probably a good enough worry that I should try to muster the courage to call the doctor.Time for some distraction until I am tired enough to try sleeping again. let us see if this empathy-based courage still exists during the doctor's office hours tomorrow. Midnight, courage, love",Depression +17991,"I do not mean to say that I am purposely being suicidal of course, I just noticed how when things get hard I ultimately go to suicide as an option. Could this be a way for me to avoid responsibility and that is why? I just kept on thinking... what would be the point in living if its no longer enjoyable and just filled with misery? I live a pretty privileged and good life but I also am horrible mentally so this is just how I think sometimes. I am selfish as well, so I would not care if I caused pain to anyone else by my death, as long as I feel better right?What should I do? Other than therapy (I know I should do therapy but I do not have the resources and I am feeling really sad right now.) Can being suicidal be a way to avoid responsibility?",Suicidal +17992,"Hi, I am not sure if this is the right forum where I should post and I do not really use reddit so bare with me.I am a 19 yr old guy who is currently studying finance in university. I basically get totally obsessed with a hobby, a girl, a subject, a class, a friend, anything, and then 1-3 months later, be totally bored. Some examples..1. First semester of university, totally obsessed and got 90s, second semester no motivation2. Met a girl and starting dating her, we talked nonstop and loved eachother, got bored and lost feelings after 5 months.3. Started reading books, would read entire books in just a few days, now I can barely pick one up. The only things that I can think of that I do not get bored of are stocks, cars, and business (my passions), but then again, it is always a different stock, different car, and different idea to make money.My father is similar but I think my case is more severe. I cannot see myself dating/marrying for longer than 2 years, being at a job for more than 2 years, etc. I would say my mind is definitely different compared to most people. I feel I am mature for my age and do not do typical 'teenage things', my friends are partying while I am researching stocks lmao. Any advice on this would be helpful. Thank you. I get obsessed with things and than get bored of them after 1-3 months",Depression +17993,"I tried killing myself yesterday. But cutting an artery is very difficult. Yet I went through work and today as if nothing happened. Just a few patches to help heal and cover the cuts that will most def leave a few scars and it is fixed.Why is dying so hard? we are so physically fragile if you think about it but when you try to end your own life it is near impossible. Though, I feel like I tried one of the more challenging methods this time around.Sigh. I just want to leave. I tried yesterday",Suicidal +17994,"i have booked a greyhound bus to go to Dallas, Texas next month so i can easily get another bus ticket next month to go to fresno, california so i can be with my boyfriend next month which i plan on staying with him because he wants to see me and i do too. the only problem is where i would stay out in dallas, texas because i am traveling from atlanta, georgia to get to dallas texas because i don;t know anybody or how much a hotel will cost. i plan on taking another bus to get from dallas, texas to go to dallas texas but the only thing is i do not know what it means when it says change buses because i do not know if getting on the next bus will take me to where i need to be because i hate to get lost is why my mom wish i had someone with me in case i get lost but also that i would be safe. the only way i can get from my city in georgia to get to Atlanta, Georgia is to take a lyft because i have no family, friends or no way of getting there so i have to do what i go to do. i wish i had help for real which i will not when i get to dallas, texas because i am a special needs person so i have a hard time understanding, comprehending very well and when it comes to asking questions i am afraid of me sounding weird or it coming out stupid because i am a very anxious and shy person which is why it is hard for me to do some things on my own or when it comes to asking for help or the thought if i had to transfer 2 or 3 times will make it hard because if i get lost i will end up getting very anxious, start panicking and crying which is why i took one bus at a time which is one to get to atlanta, georgia to dallas texas and then buy another ticket when i get there to get me to fresno, california but 1 transfer seems alot easy so i do not get confused because i do not know if they will tell me when or if i have to transfer ot not because i have a hard time with things because i am a slow learner. I wish I can make a friend before going to Dallas, Texas before then so that way I will have help or will not get lost because I am thinking of buying another Bus ticket to get from dallas, Texas to Fresno California to see my boyfriend but I do not think I can afford a hotel and bus too but also do not feel safe having my phone out in public with people around that something bad can happen because it is just too much transferring which will get me confusing and lost! I hope everything works out so I would need everyone is support! I got to figure out about where to stay when I get to dallas, Texas the 4th of august and I have a suitcase so I hope I can bring that on there to take on the bus but if everything works out I will put a update on here! I have high anxiety right now doing this but I got to somehow do what is right! I really miss my boyfriend and I hope I can be with him is the reason I am always depressed, anxious and he really wants me there so I make sure I can do everything I can to go be with him and I really have no friends that is going to help get me to him so I had to think of something but the think when I get to Texas I feel I cannot afford a hotel but also a bus from Dallas, Texas to Fresno California because I have no long distance friends from anywhere like that who could possibly follow things through with me to help me so I do not get lost! I have been in a long distance relationship with him for a while now and I am hoping I can get to him I just want to cry right now because my anxiety and depression is going through the roof, I overthink a lot and I just feel alone where I have no friends or nobody but a part of me does not know how to start a conversation or good with words is why I feel nobody sticks around because I am way too anxious and shy but I am afraid of being ghosted and hurt is all I get but it would be better if I was there with my boyfriend! I am not okay, things have been hard, struggling and I just feel alone",Depression +17995,"After dwelling inside and not leaving my house for over 3 weeks, I went out walking at this nice summer night, and as I got home, I felt incredible euphoria, peaking around a few minutes ago and slowly fading away now. All of the loneliness and anxieties and pain are about 80% decreased and I am actually filled with a feeling of motivation and momentum, something I have not felt in a very long time. This is honestly the happiest I have been this entire year I believe. I just got high from a walk outside.",Depression +17996,"Hello, I am sure you have heard those stories of people who even though their introvert nature, managed to focus on their passions and developed into someone amazing? A guitarist locking himself up in a room and practicing 10 hours a day. A lifter who devotes his whole life into lifting weights and building muscle. A youtuber whose content captivates masses? Yeah, that could not be me.As the title suggests, my life is kind of crap. I am 21 years old, just finishing my degree in American studies. My main problem is that whatever hobby I choose I become average at it. The initial phase of excitement gives way to lack of motivation to study/learn more. Such was the case with learning the guitar or playing sports. I pick up the fundamentals rather easily but in latter stages when I hit the plateau I get discouraged way too easily..I am jobless and never even had a job interview. I am also gay in a somewhat homophobic country (nowehere near as bad as in middle east, but still), I am attracted exclusively to men 55+ which makes it impossible for me to ever find love (I know that I would either meet essentialy a predator or someone who wants to be with me only because of my looks, as I do not have anything to offer, other than that).Honestly, I have nothing to look forwards to. Every friend is doing something productive. Guys 2-3 years younger than me are better people than I am. They have jobs, cars, girlfriend. And me? Porn addiction, bad BA degree, no car (at least I have a drivers license so once I stop being a pussy I can buy a car), no talents. I am too scared to live and too scared to live. The most retarded combination ever. [21M no job, no self-esteem, BA in useless studies, gay, daddy issues.] I do not even have a imaginary world to close myself into.",Depression +17997,I will not prolong the inevitable We all die eventually,Suicidal +17998,"As a defense mechanism my brain started to erase a lot of memories so everything's foggy.. the basic stuff is childhood abuse and just dealing with the ramifications of that all alone all throughout childhood and the teenage years.. if the kid back then saw this future of himself.... none of this would have been worth it and it never was to begin with, life should have ended for me at 12. Eight years later and here we are, just more damaged and closer to ending it all than ever before but it is still the most painful thing to comprehend. I have held on for 8 years and have done so many things and made various amounts of growth to come back from this but each time I have failed relentlessly.. I am stuck in this awful world stuck in this toxic environment... what kind of job could I get to move out? it is too late anyway... I have been searching for over a year and it is clear I am over.. I saw my eyes and there was absolutely no life in either of them... I cannot even lie anymore, I cannot even fake a happy customer service persona... Dear God knows I have wished for something terminal for years now and each time I hear about someone dying I wish it was me instead and they could live on just longer before their inevitable demise... I have done so much just to suffer more daily... I regret waking up everyday and choosing life.. the only reason I held off for 8 years was to see if things could be ok, they are not AND because I felt God would punish me if I take myself out but this is too cruel for me so maybe eventually down the road when I do take myself out he will understand? He better.. I do not have a choice anymore, I am alone and slowly suffering every fucking day, everyone I am sorry. This is not a pity post so do not treat it as such. it is just my truth of life. And today for some reason I feel especially bad I feel like I am going to throw up but nothings happening. Please end my life, God. This is enough. it is enough. Please. I do not want to do it myself. Please. I waited 8 years. I should have just died back then.",Suicidal +17999,Which options would be better: self-medication by Benadryl or jumping a highway overpass and letting a car hit my body? I want to kill myself,Suicidal +18000,"Hi so more than probably this post is not going to be seen but why not ask, I do not have any money simple as that, I am a hopeless soul in a good body. I would love to get help or something but without money I have no clue.Thanks How can a poor guy like me get help",Depression +18001,I am In So much Agony.... I want to run away at night and kill myself.,Suicidal +18002,"I cannot enjoy anything anymore. I only stay in my dark room, I do not talk to people anymore. I used to cut myself a lot but then my parents thought it was a good idea to confiscate any sharp objects near me. It pisses me off to see people being happy. Trying to be positive.It pisses me off when people try to check up on me and help me. At this point I do not want to get better anymore. The only thing I can enjoy is thinking about death. The only thing I am looking forward to is death.Death is the only place where I can feel peace. If I am dead no one talks to me. If I am dead I cannot feel anything. If I am dead I will not exist on this shitty planet.Now why do people fear death so much? When it is literally an express ticket out of here. Death can bring us to true happiness by removing our existence and our thoughts and feelings.As I said before do not see this as a cry for help. I do not want to get better. I am just writing this and postinf because I was bored. Death",Suicidal +18003,My husband has been dealing with depression for two years now. We have two small children together. He has been going to a therapist and taking medications. Some days are good and some days are really bad. He truly makes me feel like he hates me and its all my fault but later apologizes ... its so confusing and i do not know what to think anymore ... Does a depressive person make their spouse feel not good enough?,Depression +18004,For my entire life I have been like a shit student and for a while I thought it was just me being lazy or my adhd but I am realizing now that I am literally just an idiot. I was estranged from my mom and my step dad earlier this year because they were taking drugs and a plethora of other problems and have been trying to survive on my own for 3 months paying rent and working a full time job with school on the side. I cannot get any financial aid because I do not have any parents info to use.Everythings was actually going pretty good for me for a few weeks until I failed my first college algebra class no matter how much I tried to go to tutors or whatever else it always just crashes down and I fucking give up. I have completely isolated from all my friends and I am at the point now that nobody would even care if I just drove my car up into the mountains and off a cliff. I can garuntee nobodys even going to fucking reply to this post because at the end of the day no one gives a shit about me and never has. My absence will not make a difference and I know for a fact god created me to kill myself. Failing out of one of the easiest community college classes. All I want is to be a programmer but I am too stupid to get a degree anywhere I should just end it,Suicidal +18005,Almost 2 years since she left. Just left like i meant absolutely nothing to her. Lied to me and gave me hope that everything would be okay eventually between us. I still cry every day. I do not want to cry anymore.. it is been almost 2 years,Depression +18006,Probably not the kind of thing older people experience but suddenly one of my parents is not living with us anymore. Like wtf is going on lol. Feel like my life has been thrown into free fall. Anyone got any advice for this shit? I am in my early 20s and my parents are separating. Any advice?,Depression +18007,"IF I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS, I am SEEKING ATTENTION,IF I do not WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS I am ALSO SEEKING ATTENTION CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE INSTEAD OF MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. I am NOT SEEKING ATTENTION",Suicidal +18008,"When I see happy people I think they are ignorant, because if they knew what was happening in the world, they would not have any reason to be happy.I also think they live a privileged life, because they have had things handed to them and not had to work very hard for it.It seems like both assessments are pretty accurate.But then, people do not want to be friends with a realist/pessimist. How do you view happy people?",Depression +18009,"I quit my job after unable to stop my suicidal thoughts at work, now that I am unemployed, my self worth is even lower.Why bother living? Quit my job, I am too depressed for this",Depression +18010,"in an ideal world, there is a killing machine which painlessly slaughters those who wish to die - whether that be terminally ill patients or suicidal folks. no blood, nausea, or discomfort will be involved in the process of their death. with the simple flip of a switch, they will be there one moment and gone the next. once the machine has murdered them, they will be erased from humanity's memory. all traces of them will vanish and their loved ones will forget they ever existed, saving them decades of grief. killing machine",Suicidal +18011,I cannot help but think about abandoning everything and moving away. But I am terrified that I am the because of all problems and it will just start all over again I just want to reset my whole life,Depression +18012,"I know this standard might be very low, but I am really proud of myself for getting out of bed today. Steps",Depression +18013,I want to kill myself but if i go to heaven(I am christian) and if i see my relatives there i do not think i could bare the embarrassment id receive from them knowing how i got theregeez i sound so stupid. embarrassment>suicide,Suicidal +18014,"I am going through a divorce from an abusive spouse and have relapsed horribly with my ED as well as depression.I am having suicidal thoughts constantly, the other day I wanted to take all these pills so badly but I live with my parents so did not want it to be a huge thing.My question is, does anyone else feel like they could not possibly be more obvious that they are suicidal and nobody seems to do anything about it? Like if I killed myself, there is no way anyone in my life could say we had no idea or we did not see this coming.Want to do an inpatient program but I still have to pay my mortgage and bills for my house states away that my soon to be ex husband is living in. How am I supposed to do that? I have no money saved. I swear if you are depressed its like either let the illness kill you or go bankrupt and ruin every other aspect of your life and then you will probably be even more suicidal. Like really what am I supposed to do? Anyone feel like you could not be more obvious that you are suicidal and no one does anything? And how can I get help when I have financial obligations?",Suicidal +18015,"I am scared to be around them, they laugh at me and I do not feel comfortable around them I have made some progress with my family but my aunt just hates me my baby cousin threw a water bottle at my friends door and I put him in time out for like 30 seconds because we were having fun and I did not want him to cry, then I was 10 feet away from my friends and was talking to my cousin not to throw stuff at peoples door then my friends started laughing because one saw a bug and was deathly afraid of them and another one of my friends got hit with a basketball so they were just laughing and screaming then my cousin ran inside to him mom that my friends were laughing at him and they were making fun of him and put him in time out.I do not know if this is wrong but his happens so much to the point where I want to kill him. I have to be his father figure because his mom is to lazy to play outside with him so I have tothen I have to heat him up food make him breakfast play with him and become a dad at 12 while I am playing my game he asks me to go outside I say no because I am playing with friends on the game he tells his mom and she forces me to go outside and I hear her say I do not know why he treats my son like that he is like this for no reason what did he do to you when I tell you I wanted to throw a cinder lockInto her window.In truth I am scared of her because she has strings over my mom and if something happens she lies to my mom she always has something to say to me just to break me down FUCK HER I am especially afraid of my mom she beats the fuck out of me if I do not something she scares me so much fuck her to igI tried to kill myselfOnly stopping of the phone call of my best friends let us name herLori she is the kindest person in the world to me she means so much and loves me as a best friend she had called as I had that knife to my throat she was also the ONLY one to notice how unhappy I was just from a phone call she left a note it my notebook being supportive I have a journal where I write deep stuff in and it has helped but things are getting worse god this was short in you want something longer for the journal I made another post I need help Fear. Death. And a fucking journal",Depression +18016,Do you feel more confident? Less anxious? More sure of yourself? What does remission feel like for you?,Depression +18017,"I have been working 3rd shift this summer and i really fuckin hate it. but i do not have a choice. i need this job so i can save up money to pay for rent/utilities and my future student debt. every day i wake up at like 8pm to go to work and when i get home i end up sleeping 10+ hours. the worst part? I am still fucking tired!! i could sleep for 14 hours and wake up still tired as fuck and wanting to go back to bed. it sucks because i have things i want to do, chores i have to do, but by the time I am awake to even think about doing them i have work in like an hour. it is also probably not a good idea but i stopped taking my zoloft because if i take before work it makes me even more tired. this is all temporary but once i move into this apartment and start school again, I will have to find another job while juggling my course load. after graduation i feel like I am going to be stuck flipping burgers to get by and i fucking hate it. sorry for the rant I am just really frustrated and hopeless right now. fuck this shit, y'know?",Depression +18018,"I was living with my partner's family in a foreign country during the pandemic. During the onset of the pandemic i was highly stressed and crying all the time. I had to return home to renew my passport. I got home and felt so depressed. I am almost 30 and my parents were criticizing me constantly. Started having constant suicidal ideation. I finished my MA during the pandemic and have struggled to find work. My parents were supporting me, but when i chose to return to my partner. They cut me off. Which i understand, but now its so much more pressure. I have applied to over a 100 jobs in the last 6months, with several interviews, but no luck. It'a affecting my self esteem in a BIG way. I am now dipping heavily into my savings. I thought i would be happier with my partner. Suicidal ideation is less, but damn. I feel awful. And i have no motivation to apply for jobs or wake up. Now that I am in a foreign country with 0 friends or support systms i feel like i just made my life worse. But i feel like all options are awful. And nothing would make me happy anyway. I hate that nothing brings me joy anymore. How can i make decisions? How can i fix my life by becoming financially independent if I cannot to wake up to apply for jobs? Realizing I am depressed Again..",Depression +18019,"I am going through a hard depressive episode. I am fighting with myself not to buy a ticket, fly to my destination and end my life. I am out of control and clonazepam is not calming me down.Please talk to me. Tell me about your life. Please On a crisis. Please talk to me anyone, about anything happy",Suicidal +18020,"Now I wish I would tell somebody while I had the chance - the moment I stopped caring, the moment I realised nothing really mattered anymore, maybe I thought it will pass like other things used to, now I am drowning in indifference, I am stuck with it. Things that I used to crave or enjoy now feel like nothing, I have friendships as deep as I ever wanted them, now it feels like meh, what the fuck am I going to tell them anyways. Do I want to do anything, not really, do I want to do nothing, fuck no, either way it is going to be the same. It feels like I am already dead, I mean sometimes it matters and springs up some emotion I no longer recognize when somebody is on a brink of suicide, but on the other hand it does not do anything to me most of the times, so what am I doing here? Maybe I was meant to be a statistic all along, I was thinking about it and eventually I am going to miss the night sky, I think we do not appreciate it enough, I am going to miss the memories of the two best weeks if my life and people that may suffer the most, I am sorry (or not, I mean it genuinely, but it does not feel like that anymore) it is already over",Suicidal +18021,"I am in a weird mood regarding all this and I will start off by saying I know I fucked up. I knew I was fucking up as I was doing it, and at the time I did not care.I fell in love with a girl who was not available. I thought she was awesome so I asked her out and she politely turned me down, saying she had a boyfriend. I was willing to leave it there, but as the time went on she kept flirting with me. Told me she wanted to leave her boyfriend and be with me. Told me she loved me. Told me she wanted to move in with me. And I believed her.Until today when I got news that she is pregnant. And she is staying with him.I am 26 years old. Never been in a relationship. Every time I have tried, I have gotten hurt in exactly this way. And I knew going in that there was a chance, a good chance even, that this would end the same way. And I did it anyway because I thought this time would be different. I *believed* this time would be different.I cut myself for the first time today. I have been depressed since I was a child, but I never really saw the appeal. Now I do.I am going to move forward. I am going to work my way through this pain and keep searching for the one who is not going to hurt me. But that does not mean it does not hurt now. I want to give up and just die in a hole, and it hurts even worse because I know I will not. I know that I will get up, brush myself off, and keep on going even though that is not what I want.I do not know or care who you are. I do not know why you are reading this. But if you are please pray for me. Because I am a good person who falls in love too easily and I need some kindness now more than ever.I have learned my lesson. Now I just want it to stop hurting. I gave everything I had",Depression +18022,So right now I am basically banned from video games even though I heavily rely on it to escape from the real world. I just feel like crying every time too. Anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to take my mind off everything? Any ideas to take break from Games?,Depression +18023,"Hopelessly traumatized braindead from strokes poly drug abuse seizures a lot of suicide attempts I have been this way since a kid and have decelerated in coordination identity impulse control and social interaction. All the friends ever made and the love of my life have been traumatized by me, lost my best friend this morning and the cat we shared and its really fucked me up. Ignored me for the past month, I started to get the idea but i almost died last week nde intensified my depression and panic attacks to soul crushing extents, i had no one so i did what I have done to officially everyone now. I have really never/heard seen her act this cold, in my life to even enemies. She was so amazing did i do this from my problems? Its confused shocked and hurt me so bad, have not slept all week because I am just so alone and i have not left the bloody floor in my room all day or stopped crying/bleeding not even for food now i just need the exhaustion to get me at least an hour of unconsciousnessIt cannot happen tonight blocked so the only message i can send is torturing myself one more night so they dint get the news they all want just yet also tomorrow i will have access to enough fentanyl to end this shit show this will be my last post i believe its our right to choose if we have the will or desire ti suffer existance I am not sorry for ruuing everything i touch because i did not choose this life I need to die but now that I know how happy that would make too many people happy",Suicidal +18024,And maybe it does. I just have not found it yet. I thought it was because I was scraping by and broke all the time. Now that I am doing ok money wise I feel like I have let down all the people who helped me out of that problem by being the same sleep for 13 hour sad sack who does not want to do anything or be around anyone. Money was not the issue. I think that no matter how much the world tries to normalize me I am going to always let everyone down and never be any different than what I am. I am here because of a google search of why am I not dead yet. I am scared to death of suicide but do not want to live. I feel like I am a disappointment to even the truly depressed. I cannot even be depressed right. To be honest I do not even know why I am typing this. Nothing helps. Nothing ever will. Doomed to work sleep and nothing else until finally I croak. Just wish it would hurry up. I got to go. Used to think depression had a reason,Depression +18025,"As a defense mechanism my brain started to erase a lot of memories so everything's foggy.. the basic stuff is childhood abuse and just dealing with the ramifications of that all alone all throughout childhood and the teenage years.. if the kid back then saw this future of himself.... none of this would have been worth it and it never was to begin with, life should have ended for me at 12. Eight years later and here we are, just more damaged and closer to ending it all than ever before but it is still the most painful thing to comprehend. I have held on for 8 years and have done so many things and made various amounts of growth to come back from this but each time I have failed relentlessly.. I am stuck in this awful world stuck in this toxic environment... what kind of job could I get to move out? it is too late anyway... I have been searching for over a year and it is clear I am over.. I saw my eyes and there was absolutely no life in either of them... I cannot even lie anymore, I cannot even fake a happy customer service persona... Dear God knows I have wished for something terminal for years now and each time I hear about someone dying I wish it was me instead and they could live on just longer before their inevitable demise... I have done so much just to suffer more daily... I regret waking up everyday and choosing life.. the only reason I held off for 8 years was to see if things could be ok, they are not AND because I felt God would punish me if I take myself out but this is too cruel for me so maybe eventually down the road when I do take myself out he will understand? He better.. I do not have a choice anymore, I am alone and slowly suffering every fucking day, everyone I am sorry. This is not a pity post so do not treat it as such. it is just my truth of life. And today for some reason I feel especially bad I feel like I am going to throw up but nothings happening. Please end my life, God. This is enough. it is enough. Please. I do not want to do it myself. Please. Over 8 years of wanting to be dead",Suicidal +18026,"I am 27, I live alone. No friends, no family, no one. I want to do so much better for myself, I cannot sleep for days and when I do I sleep way too much. I am living in disarray with no drive to do anything about it. I am pretty sure this is not how my life should be going at this point but I literally know nothing else. My whole life has been this way, gad some traumatic events happen as a child and again as a young adult. I do not dwell an the past but I have been emotionally and mentally destroyed to a point I literally feel nothing all the time. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I feel normal again. How do I get better?",Depression +18027,"I am so so tired of this, after nearly 2 years of cbt they are thinking of discharging me which absolutely shatters me, not because I do not want to let go, but because I know 1.5years did little to nothing. I hate my life and these past weeks it got only worse once again, I keep crying and hitting my head, cutting nearly every night. It hurts because I am seriously realising that life probably just is not for me. I just see darkness, zero hopes not a single glimpse of a life worth living. I have still no friends and my family seriously does not care, everything looks like nothing to them, maybe I should overdose right in front of them this time. Just so they can accept that it is ok for me to go, I am basically a malfunctioning human. they would have much more money, they would not have to think about this useless piece of shit sitting at home living for free. I am not sure why I am telling a bunch of strangers all this but all I know is that I am seriously DONE if my last exam comes failed I will do more than just overdosing, it better be fatal. I tried my best to change this, I really did but its a constant set back. PLEASE I do not KNOW ANYMORE (20 F)",Suicidal +18028,"Guys I am so tired of living already have a lot shit of problemsfully anxious not doing good at college do not have friends outta shapelately, I have been struggling to find the will to live and yeah I keep remembering a part of my life (about 9 years ago) where everything is perfect (at lewst that is how I remember it)and my idea is like: fuck, what the hell happened to me to get to this pointTo the point that when I heard a song attached to that period, I cried so so much yes, I am seeing a therapist but at this point i do not feel like its helping anymore Exhausting & Purposeless life",Depression +18029,"i do not even work much qnd i still strugfle with showing upim literally the only part timer in my department, and I am constantly getting comments about how lucky i am n like, material reasons why I am not aside (no benefits, no pto, no sick time, less pay) i do not feel like because i do not have the option of fulltomeeverytime i work fulltime things get really bad, nearly hospitalized bad. but as I am typing thing is that bad right now so what is the point in stepping back anyway.I am unskilled, depressed, washed up, etc. i remember as a teen everyone telling me it would get better and it did not, it feels like each year adds another weight that is crushing my lungsmy parents and partner are all wonderful people. they do not attsck me, although i know how misrrable i make them. my partner is unemployed at the moment as we just moved stated and i got a job quicker, my mom is unemployed because she was a teacher and left becayse of covid, my brothers part time, my dad works nonstop.like, 2 of my family members cannot get a proper job and i have one right now and I am failing at it when all i want is to be able to provide. i want to buy my dad the new drill he wants. i want to help my partner afford the doctors visits he needs, i want to help my mom relax abt money. but I am nothijg. I am likely going to lose my current job because of absenteeism. I am a fucjing loser.i applied for disability yesterday morning and honestly its left me just feeling more suicidal. it feels like I am turning in official ""i give up"" papers. i give up at making enough to actually help my family. i give up on having ahome someday. i give up on getting married. it makes me so yired and i feel so at the end of my rope mani know it upsets my parents i do not talk about it, but what is there to even say? its cruel to say how much i want to die when tehey cannot change it, espec8ally since it comes down to how much a broken loser i am. i have it pretty good, lots of trauma as a kid and early teen, but now? god knows there is broken assholes in their 20s that do not have what i havewith my dad the conversation aslways goes ""are you ok?"" yes ""would you bother to tell me if you were not?"" n idk what to say because he cannot change that I am not ok and when he tries to make me ok it makes me feel more fucked and broken because it does not helpwhenever i go to work and I am faced with all these people who are just. going about their day. and they are FINE. maybe they tqlk about not getting enough sleep because their dog barked during the day (I am night shift) or even with more serious stuff like their husband leaving them they are still there, all day, everyday. whereas if i feel like if someone gives me a bad look its the last fuckin straw.i just feel inherently different from others in a way that gives me no hope. I am fine with being a bit quirky. but i feel sick. radioactive, mutated. i was chitchatting with my dad and he brought up as a teen how desperate i was to make friends, and how he and my mom worked hard to instill most people are not you are friends, they are aquaintances. n hr said this so lightly without care as if the ""instilling"" was not me having meltdowns when a friend stood me up, betrayed me, or most likely, ghosted me, and them essentially blaming me for wanting friends as a homeschooled loser who only had a few chances a year to make a friend. i feel like the first 15 years of my life were an experiement on making the most lonely person you could without them just dying. and he said I am better at descerning friends now as if its not just intense distruzt of people and the friends i still have I have known since i was 11, with the group shrinking every yeari hate when peopleolder than me say oh you have so much to live for still. name them. i donthave potential. maybe less people would kill themselves if they did, idk.i cruelly asked my bf to give me a reason to live a few days ago in a moment of weakness and i know that is a terrible ask but i just. i used to be able to argue a reason to wait, easily. there is a new video game coming out, a new season of something i like, a concert, a date eith my bf, not wanting to do it near a holiday, SOMETHING. but i just feel apathetic towarss those things. there is alway some dumb shit i could wait for and there is also always some pain in my heart to ruin those events too.and i know my bfs mom thinks I am a loser, and she is right. he has a little inheretance and his mpm thinks I am goldigging at that, so i try ro pay for things ehenevr especially because what if he does spend momey and then i kill myself? a fucking waste i am. i already convinced us to move back to my home state because i hated where we were previous, but I am still miserable, but with more monetary support and some parks nearby so ! i guess I am just a piece kf sbiti feel so sick to my stomach with self hatred.to be honest the only part of my 'plan' i cannot work out would be where to do it, because i cannot have my family find me. that is the singular thing stopping me and everytime i have an episode like this i feel myself caring less. i cannot do this anymore and i cannot force anyone else to do it with me. I am a loser and ill never be able to provide a good life for my loved ones",Suicidal +18030,"Lonely depressed dude here, ending my life in August. I just want to talk to people and have an actual conversation about something for once. it is gotten to the point where I have full blown conversations and debates with myself just to get my thoughts out.I have tried things like bible study (I am not really religious), but the one I went to did not really give us a chance to talk or anything. I tried meetup.com as well but it seems as though everyone already has their own friend groups on those hiking/flag football groups and it is hard to get into a conversation.Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Where can I find people to talk to in person?",Depression +18031,"I just want to sleep, I am so tired. My mind does whatever he wants and I do not like it, pls make it stop. Pls help me. Pls kill me to make it stop. Pls forgive me. It hurts. Everything is so heavy. The voices are so loud. Pls forgive me, I am sorry. Pls help me. What form of bullshit did I write? I hate it, no one even cares I cannot sleep well anymore, it is so terrible",Depression +18032,"i hate the panic and loss of control i feel over myself when i starting realizing how alone i am. the sitting against the floor just wishing things could have been the slightest different. my mom kicked me out 4 months ago and i live my my dad on his couch right now. i moved to a different state during covid last year and hardly can talk to any of my old friends, my mom cut off my therapist so i cannot call her anymore and I am so tired of talking to my family about it because they just never understand the full extent of what my mom put me through and how bad my depression and anxiety is. they all want me to text her her and i have a panic attack anytime i even think about communicating with her. she sent my brother birthday gifts for me and I have been sitting on the bathroom floor for twenty minutes sobbing because I am so tired of her trying to be in my life still and i wish she would just please leave me alone. i hate when the wave comes back",Depression +18033,"Hi I need tips for actions I can take to help with my depression and low self esteem, as my aunt says that ""There is something wrong with you"" or ""I do not let people walk all over me like you do"". Any tips of actions I can take to help change that Any tips to help with depression and low self esteem",Depression +18034,"I am a trans girl living in fucking central america, I am 16 and terribly unlucky. Most cis guys would kill to have the masculine traits I have, but all of these masculine traits are a curse to me. I have yet to see one trans woman ever pass with the traits I have. I am literally destined to look hideous and like a man with a wig. I do not want to look like caytlin jenner or some kind of shit like that. I accidentally looked in a mirror 2 days ago, and I have decided I am just giving up. I literally am just giving up. Id rather die than look like a fucking freak. I have stopped caring, I literally do not want this life anymore",Suicidal +18035,"most days i find myself feeling useless and worthless, feeling as though i hold barely any value i cannot see any positive traits i have even when other have commented on them, i barely succeeded through school very narrowly passing my GCSEs which i chock up to dumb luck and my collage grades took extra effort to reach and i still do not feel like I am of any value despite them &#x200B;I have been out of education for over a month now and havnt been able to find any jobs and its disheartening and stresses me out massively because my family inome is not large at all and i feel like going on benefits is sort of like raising the white flag and copping out &#x200B;i also do not feel as though i can admit this to people i know in person because to myself it feels as though my issues are not that important in the grand scheme of things so i just carry on with my routines hiding this shit from those close to me because i do not want to be a burden to them even typing it out to random people onlne feels shit for me to do and i sometimes feel this may be partly due to my autism but even that makes me feel like I am looking for an excuse &#x200B; i really just do not know what I am doing with my life i just do not know",Depression +18036,I have been keeping a journal for a month and things are getting worse and worse and then they get good and then they get worse I want to die but I cannot do it my self and it would hurt my best friends one of them even theft a note in my journal showing support but then when I went to the doctors (I am 12) I had to lie to her face the women who I had felt tortured me for 12 years and I lied because I was scared of my own mother I have to live with the evil women (my aunt) who only feeds me because my mom let us her live with us my father who I cried with loved and always talked lied to me for NINE YEARS and on my BIRTHDAY I found out some other guy was my actual dad I hate this life I hate this family and I wish to just die I have been through the pain of Lying about the cuts on my arm cutting my self in depression and enjoying it I hate it but want the urge to cut my hand I had a panic attack at school so I ran to the bathroom and cried I cannot deal with my counselor I said something TWICE but they did not care so I am scared about my new middle school counselor MY ROOM IS HELL I stay in there all the time but its just fucking isolation I need help The Journal.,Depression +18037,Everything has been going so well and then I get this news. I have one granddad left. The rest are dead. My other grandma (her mom) just died 6 months ago. I am trying to remain strong but I just feel like screaming and just crying. I want to throw things. Ask why shit like this keeps happening. I cannot handle it. I am not even over the other deaths. My dad (her son) was murdered nearly 7 years ago. His birthday was exactly 2 weeks ago. Its too much going on and I cannot deal with it. The last grandma I had died this morning.,Depression +18038,"I feel so numb, i cannot explain it but i felt so nice a few days ago and i was working on music, and watching videos late until like 12. I started to feel numb and now i feel like life is constantly fucking me. I am a terrible person, i lie in situations where i should not, but i do. I lied to my parents about what i was doing and i got caught because my mom was in the same area and saw me. I knew how upset they are because i have done this a lot in high-school. So now I am even more of a disappointment and I have hurt the only people who care about me for my own selfish gain. Then i wake up this morning to a flat tire and have to spend over 1000 on new rims and tire because my rim was cracked, and they only had smaller after market stuff to fit my car. I am more in debt, and my parents probabky are vlose to hating me and I am only 20. What a fuckin life huh. I have done this to myself and do not deserve any pity or empathy or sympathy because I am impulsive and make stupid decisions on the fly to what ever whimsical thing I am doing. I because more harm than good. Fuck. Fuck life",Depression +18039,I have been on sertraline for about a month now. I took 25 mg for the first two weeks and now I am on 50 mg. I have a psychiatrist appt later to maybe update my dosage to 100 mg. I am not on any antipsychotics atm but my psychiatrist has mentioned wanting to put me on olanzapine for quite a while now and I think hes going to bring it up now that the antidepressants ordeal is mostly settled. I am very scared. I have never taken an antipsychotic before. I have done some research myself and I found that it increases the risk of irregular heart rhythm and this is just terrible really because I already suffer from irregular heart rhythm due to anorexia. I would really appreciate it if anyone who has taken this combination can share their experience and maybe provide some reassurance Has anyone here taken olanzapine and sertraline together?,Depression +18040,"Back in April, I was publically humiliated and scarred when the police publically detained me in a crowd of 100s of people and took me to a temporary suicide ward while I awaited a full placement. Many things happened in the week I spent in the temporary placement but I am writing about what happened after.Luckily I was eventually sent home but since that day I have never been able to think the same. Every day I think about the fact I nearly went to (what I have heard from people I know that have been to psych wards) a prison. here is the thing though, you do not get given a set amount of time like prison, it is based on how much progress they think you are making, which gives me 3 things that terrify me.I literally cannot talk to people such as therapists, I have had so many bad experiences with them and I cannot talk to them I hate all of them so much, so they would never see me making any progress, second thing is, I am pretty sure they can force you to take medication, for similar reasons to the therapy thing I hate taking medication, last time I was on an antidepressant-like medication I got 100x worse because of how much I hate it, and the third reason when I am extremely angry, stressed or upset I cannot control myself very well and I do stupid things I regret, if I was in a ward like that I can predict how things would go. I would be told I have to stay for a long time, kick-off or try to run away, get restrained, calm down, get told I now have to say longer because of that, kick-off or try to run away again, get restrained and then told I have to stay even longer and then do this every month for years.it is really fucked me up, every day I think about the fact that if I was not lucky enough to go home I would be stuck there for years if not decades, I would be medicated down to the point where I no longer feel anything, I was specifically told by one of the workers there that it was quote ""Miserable"" and how I would have no phone and visitors are not allowed so I would be completely alone for those years.I have nightmares about being in one of those places, it is horrible. I feel like I have PTSD for something I never even experienced, but just the notion that it might have happened is enough.My feelings about this have been less frequent recently but when I do get them they are still horrible and I hate it I cannot stop thinking about almost being put into a mental ward (Because I would have probably been there for years)",Suicidal +18041,"Does someone else have it, that they do not want to die, but also do not want to live?Like if i would het killed. I would be fine with it. I would not care. If i did not get killed, i would not mind it eighter. And you selfharm. But without a real reason? Just out of no where, you cut yourself. While you do not feel like sad sad. But also not happy ? Not wanting to die. But also not wanting to live.",Depression +18042,"Its crazy how when 10 people can say something nice about you, it does not stick. But when one person says something negative about you, you believe itI just think everyone hates me and is saying and thinking bad things about me all the time even though logically I know it is not true.I just cannot seem to find the positive things to focus on and it drives me mad I am so tired of this",Depression +18043,"I do not know if I am depressed or addicted but it is the first time I feel trapped for real. I have 3 different loans I am suffocated to pay with my current job and I cannot find another one nor another source of money. I could save what I spend on ketamine, but I cannot overcome this +5 year addiction. I just cannot spend more than 48s hours sober, because I only have energy to sit in the computer and pretend I work. I work at home right now due to the pandemic, I am sort of hoping to push myself to go back to the office so at least I go out everyday, but as soon as I log off, I need to get into bed, that is, if I have not had the urge to nap before because I just cannot stand to stay awake. it is been months I cannot get past a couple minutes into a movie, but I can spend hours just laying down until I fall back asleep. I have a loving yet unsupporting boyfriend who will just deem this as ""well you are a drug addict"". I have to cancel seeing other people because I do not want them to see me having gotten fatter due to weekly binging, or just not in the mood to follow a conversation. The only thing I can do from time to time is to translate Russian songs because it is my deepest desire to travel there, yet I feel I have failed all life chances I had to save up money, study and actually go there. I was a good student but dropped to work and I spent most of my salary on ketamine and stupid things, besides helping with rent. Now I live on my own for the past 2 years and my entire salary goes on rent, taxes, ketamine and these stupid loans I do not know why I ever asked for. I tripped myself into all sort of stuff while having a lot of low middle class privileges, such as supporting parents, public school, a house I did not have to pay rent if I did not want to or could, and yet I have put myself into this situation I try to get out every week and yet the only thing that makes me not want to sleep 24hs is either binge on whatever there is around, and do ketamine, which only helps with anxiety. I am not high, I am not tripping, I am just putting it up my system like I would with a biscuit. I needed to type this down I guess because I feel pretty awful, and I know there is people who are really struggling and making a huge effort to overcome some serious external problems, but I myself and right now feel I cannot even tell this to my parents because I do not want them to get worried, they think I am doing fine since forever because I can fail at a bunch of things but I can manage to let them be somewhat happy with who I am when I see them. I might seek free counseling or go to NA meeting but Ikeep forgetting of doing these things. Venting on sort of depression I assume",Depression +18044,"i have dreaded being alive for so long, and yet it has not got any better. I have tried medication, therapy, involuntary admission to a psych ward. I have tried moving towns 3 times, I have gotten a handful of new jobs, but the feelings are always there and it makes my life miserable. the only way out seems to be killing myself, but I am just too lazy and idk why i have not yet. i have maybe 2 people i could talk to but they are so fed up with my actions and decisions just as much as i am. I am at work working 45 hour weeks at a job i hate, then i go home to do absolutely nothing because i hate myself so much. i live in a town of 2000 people and its so horrible living here, i cannot do anything and i do not have any friends here. and my car just recently blew up so i cannot go anywhere else to work or live, I am seriously just so boned and I am so tired of my life always ending up in the dumps. still just waiting for death. what am i supposed to do when i feel this way all the time?",Suicidal +18045,"I feel really stupid writing this, but genuinely, it messed with me, as if what happened was real. I cannot shake it off for some reason. I do have major issues with depression on the regular though so idk. Feels like a story in a video game actually triggered me in some way",Depression +18046,"Just coasting right now. 31 y/o ex alcoholic with 17 days sober and its my 4th day off weed. I kind of feel good except that I only slept 2-3 hours the past few nights. I feel very different. This is the first time in my life I have *wanted* to be sober and am enjoying it. Taking leaps and strides to improve myself as a person. Still feel like a total piece of shit loser and that is reflected by my living circumstances but we all start somewhere, maybe Ill look back in a year and realize this was just the beginning. Sober",Depression +18047,I took out my heaviest hitting pills and they are all sitting in front of me on my bed. I have counted them all several times. I pray to god its enough. I do not want to wake up. No idea what to say or why I am saying anything.,Suicidal +18048,"I see nothing. No goals, no future, no desire of any sort. Extremely overwhelmed and broken. I avoid everything important other than work, because I do not have to force myself to do it. I feel exhausted and confused. Idk where to start, what to do. I am lost and alone. I can only think of one thing and that I do not want to do because I have not done that in months. I want it to be calm and peaceful. I am so lost",Depression +18049,"Long story shot last Thursday I had a panic attack because I let myself get drowned be the fear of dying and I saw myself ceasing to exist and never being here again. It was so awful I ended up with a lot of consequences:1.- Vivid Hallucinations of everyone dying, even actors on TV2.- Constant fear of dying and experiencing death3.- Everything around me is a reminder of death 4.- Fear of seeing TV (actors will die), listening music (singers are death), social media (old profile pictures of people are a reminder they are now closer to death), fear of spending time.I have started going to therapy, antidepressants and anxiolytics.Before that event I used to enjoy my days, found meaning in everything, was ready to face death, worked hard in myself and in my job. I too have friends and a gf. However recently I cannot find meaning in anything, I am just performing actions when I can, without any glimpse of enthusiasm. My head resorts to you are going to die and everyone else also, there is no point.I looked myself in the mirror and my mind told me in a couple of years there is going to be no reflection, you will not exist.And while I am constantly being bombarded by this and feeling down I am also thinking that I do not want to keep on this life if I have to see my loved ones go, one by one. Thanks for reading. I feel no meaning in anything because in the end everyone I love will die, me included.",Depression +18050,"So excited to get this going. I have been trying to get my psychologist to refer me but he kept wanting to try different meds (which I understand). But, finally I have a shot. A shot at not being miserable 24/7. I really hope ECT helps somewhat. Positive vibes only, I am sure it will work :) Got a referral for ECT!!",Depression +18051,"I desperately need to be admitted to a psych ward, but when I get the hospital bill I will have no choice but to off myself The irony",Suicidal +18052,"I am an early teenager and I should be enjoying my life and doing fun things but I am not. I just sit at home and watch anime or play games on the tv. I know I still have time to fix my life but I am not motivated and I constantly feel like my whole life is pointless. No matter how much I try to get out and do things I end up feeling like shit. I am not even sure my friends care about me anymore I have just stopped talking to mostly everyone. I have like one ""friend"" who is going through what I am going through but we rarely talk and I have these other ""freinds"" who are just dry as hell but at least they like living. My parents do not seem to understand and will take me to like see friends or whatever but I do not even like these people. they are just old friends that are dry and ig I am like their only friend but I honestly do not care about them. Everything I do feels forced and if its not its not even fun in fact nothings fun I am kindof just waiting for me to magically feel motivated. I am going to have to go back to school soon and I do not even care about school anymore. Sometimes I feel like ending it all because I do not even do anything or have an impact on anyone I am basically just a rock. I do not really know what I am asking for but if anyone knows anything tell me I guess if you care. I do not even know what the point of this is but I will post.",Depression +18053,I am so scared its always going to be this way. I am a teen. I am so scared. i just do not want to think or feel anymore. I am so sorry. i just needed to write this somewhere. i cannot sleep again. i just want it to stop,Depression +18054,"I remember always saying to myself ""cannot wait til I am 18!"" as a kid. I am 18 now, and nothing changed. I do not work. I did not manage to finish school. I slipped into groups of friends who were not bad guys at all, but they had the effect of indirectly ""motivating"" me to skip work, skip classes, and rather take take drugs with them. At some point hanging out without some sort of drug involved did not exist for me anymore. They are not to blame and I still love them as friends. Then I moved to another city. Currently 3 months since I moved. My room is a mess. I know nobody in this city. I still do not work. I still drink and take drugs only difference being that I take them alone. I am constantly depressed. Nothing changed for the better at all. I wish people could not relate to this situation at all. I wish you all the best. Nothing changed",Depression +18055,Please I need it really badly I just want to be happy forever. Someone give me magic to make me happy,Suicidal +18056,"My brother got his drivers license and we were talking about how he can now drive me places and my Mom said she might not be comfortable with that. She said if we both died she would not even know what to do with her life. Even if its just me, i cannot put my Mom through that by killing myself, but i also cannot put myself through life. Well there goes my plans, maybe..",Suicidal +18057,"I had a troubled childhood, very abusive father who i do not have a single good memory of(thankfully he is dead since 2019). We lived in my mums parents house since my ealiest memories and moved to dads(my grandparents house) when i was 6. My mom fled home because of my abusive father, taking me along when i was 10. I was put in a boarding house run by Christian Priests where i was bullied, beaten reglarly and was a victim of sexual assualt by some Preists(I never shared this with anyone) My mom worked there(cooking for the priests and boarders) for peanuts.We came back home as soon as he died. I do not have a good relation with my mother, she used to among many other things scare me saying she would suicide(this is when i was 8 or 9) saying because i was bad/naughty child. If i look back at such things they sound terrible to say to a young boy. Anyways, she forced me into engineering even though i sucked at it and told her that, i wasted 6yers of my life in this 3yo course. I have no good frieds because of my moving about. Long story short I learnt how terrible my mom is last year and have been heartbroken badly by her. Until then i lived my life for her, studied what she wanted me too etc etc. I have nothing to live for, my mum was my purpose of living life. I foster dogs and cats and when i see helpless/abandoned animals it breaks me i feel high level of empathy is a sideeffect of my childhood. I suck and do not like my major, comp engineering. I have no family no friends. i want to top feeling a 0 out of 10 in hapiness everyday. please be honest, WHAT SHOULD I LIVE FOR? I do not care about myself so please do not say that, Thank you for your responce. M24. Unhappy and depressed since i remember.",Suicidal +18058,"But my sunglasses came in two days early so i have to see tomorrow now lol Hate the days when I am as close to fine as i can be all day, then start really going thru it when i get home and realize i have no one",Depression +18059,I cannot bring myself to do it How the fuck do I just die,Depression +18060,"Just filter feeding and sleeping on the ocean floor, oblivious to everything... I wish I were a Clam.....",Depression +18061,"I am a 28 year old woman and I am fucking sick and tired of not being treated like a person... I have had enough... Sometimes I want to fucking throw my phone at a wall when I read some of the shit I see sent to me. I was talking to this guy, he seemed nice.. It was so nice to be able to talk about normal things.. No flirting at all.. Was really amazing actually not being flirted with.. I felt like a person. We talked about the weather, our countries, our pets, real mundane shit and it was nice, we even got to share a bit about our own traumas. He saw a picture of me and then our conversation had to change... He told me.. No.. WARNED ME how now that he is seen what I look like that it is going to be hard for him not to ask for nudes or get thirsty as he said it.. I told him to just talk to me how he always did those few days, just normal stuff it is obviously not hard and that I am a person too. Then he actually said and I quote ""yeah but that is before I knew you were attractive"".... He had the fucking AUDACITY to be offended by me saying our conversations are being ruined now because he could not control himself. So basically I cannot get the basic human respect of a normal conversation if someone sees how I fucking look? That makes me feel like I am nothing... I feel so fucking stupid for thinking this person was nice.. I have sat here genuinely upset by it for two days now.. When I explained that I should be the upset one and to leave the conversation there then he never once apologised. I am sick of feeling like an object... I am sick of being nervous when a guy talks to me.. I am sick of being scared incase they see my face.. I am sick of being scared full stop!! I deserve fucking respect!! I deserve to be treated how I treat you!!! I deserve to be heard when I fucking say no!! I have feelings and I am fucking sick and tired of all these thirsty fucking assholes who cannot accept it when they are wrong or acting creepy. I do not give a fuck if you are offended when I tell you that you are being too flirty...I am offended you would not listen to my no in the first place. Do I honestly have to hide my face just to get a normal conversation? I hate this shit!! Sometimes I feel like I want to hide away... I do not want to talk to anyone... Its already hard for me to make friends, I have to put up with this crap on top of it? I am tired... I am tired of not being treated like a human being. I have dealt with alot of years of past sexual abuse, physical abuse and I am a rape survivor of fucking several times.. So this shit just makes me feel even more worthless, my thoughts go back to how I used to think when I was abused... ""I am only here for his pleasure, it does not matter how I feel, what I want, I am just here for sex, that is all I am good for"".... It puts me in a really bad place. I do not know how to deal with this stuff anymore.. I know everyone has to deal with it, and it is just how the online world is but I feel like I have to ignore everyone just incase and I do not want to have to do that! it is not fair.. Why is this shit so scary..... I do not know who to trust. Do I not deserve some respect too?",Depression +18062,I am 22 I would never act on these fantasies but I know they are wrong I am trying my best to stay away from them and I am still kind of scared to tell my therapist about them but honestly I think I should die because they are tearing me apart I have messed up fantasies and I hate myself for it,Suicidal +18063,"I am a failure. And while I do not like it, I know that it is the truth. But what really makes me upset is that people around me cannot understand that. Why cannot they just accept that I am a useless person that has no purpose aside from draining resources? Failure",Depression +18064,Why is it so expensive to seek help? I am broke at the moment and I do not have health insurance for another month. I keep thinking about getting the help I need but I literally cannot. Killing myself is the most cost effective way of dealing with how I feel. How fucked up is that? Closer than ever. Planning to do it tonight.,Suicidal +18065,"Why is everything so darn heavy, even the air I breathe. Sleep seems to be the only escape now and even that is iffy. How does one cope..Music has lost its appeal, I am isolating myself even though people keep reaching out, food is a distraction and once that is done... SleepI keep hoping I would somehow not wake up.. just sleep.How does one deal with this sort of weight day in and day out I am so tired of waking up every morning",Depression +18066,"Hello thereLost my father for COVID last year and the void he left behind cannot be filledThe love of my life (since we were 8) told me she hates me foreverExams next week with no desire to study although i know I am going to failAddicted to porn with a maximum No-Fap-Streak of 8 daysDon't know what to do seeing my friends & colleagues being happy, successful and leading a good life. Feeling like it is getting harder",Depression +18067,"Neither does my dad. I live with him. I think we both have npd. I do not drink any water. Neither does my dad. His teeth are coming out. He only has maybe ten teeth and he is 65. I do not talk to anyone in my apartment. I do not work. I am not allowed. I am always sabotaged. I am also sabotaged from eating, from sleeping, from drinking water and from going to use the rest room. I was traumatized like this since I was an infant. Since my Dad is a scientologist I am basically not allowed to breathe or exist. I just want to say some things, but they are very hellish. I cannot get a therapist. I am not able to advocate for myself. I have gone to the suicide hotline before. I have gone into suicide hospitals three times. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective borderline ptsd psychosis anxiety depression!!!!!!!!!! Dude I am fucking dying. I would really rather eat than be like this. This sucks. I am not allowed to pee, I have to go right now. I live with my mom and dad. I am 26 years old with cptsd. I did research on it. I do not get it I live in a town with food I am hungry I do not understand why I am not allowed to eat. I do not pee, I do not eat and I do not sleep",Suicidal +18068,"I have nothing left. I do not want to be here anymore, I want to be free, I want to go. I received no help from my psychiatrist nor from my doctor when I told them about my depression because I am 16 in the middle of a global pandemic so they think I am just sad like everyone else. I am tired of receiving no help whatsoever. I needed it but now, it is too late. I just want to die already. I have had anxiety for my whole life and was diagnosed with it 3 years ago. But now, the consequences are too important. I just want some rest god dammit. My parents do not care, they do not want to help me and my friends are mean to me for no reason.",Depression +18069,"But I know it will not kill me. All I want, is to die. I want to throw myself off my balcony right now.",Suicidal +18070,slit my throat I want to,Suicidal +18071,I am feeling depressed and alone and i got no one else to talk toAlready talked with a friend and it did not make me feel much betterI feel absolutely miserable like i often do and i wish i could end things Feeling down and alone,Depression +18072,"Hello, first time poster.Sigh, I am just so stressed. I have been therapy for ~2 years now and on antidepressants for ~4 months. I feel like Ill always be depressed and life is pointless. Although I have gotten a bit better, I still want to in the near future. I have so much going for me; I am intelligent, beautiful, I have great friends, I have a great career ahead of me (not saying all this to show off haha) but I do not want any of it. I just do not want a life, do not want to be here anymore.Quite honestly: I do not want to die, I do not want to be killed, I just want to be undone. I want to drive away and just disappear. No search party, no funeral; I just want to have never existed. I just want to be undone",Depression +18073,"I have been having suicidal ideation since I was in high school. In 2017, I planned for my suicide by purchasing a bunch of razors and ropes to carry it out. Luckily I met the love of my love by the end of 2017 so I decided that living might be worth it. Then he passed away last month and I do not see any point in living anymore. He was my better half. I have been cancelling therapy appointments and isolating myself. I do not want to get better anymore. This pain is unbearable. I cannot see myself living this life for another 5 years. Its not the people around me, but its me who is just struggling. If my family or friends find this post. I just want you to know that my decision is not anyones fault. I used to tell my fianc that I cannot see myself living for a long time and I think this is it. Thank you for whoever reading this. I appreciate your time. I have decided to do it",Suicidal +18074,"Title says it all, I got 0 chances of getting a job that I enjoy, let alone a paying one. I have tried for so long but today is the day I am done trying. Today's the day I say enoughIm so fucking done Its impossible for me to succeed in life, therefore I am going to end it",Suicidal +18075,"I am jumping off a cliff in 13 days. &#x200B;I am (for the first time admitting this) fucking terrified of getting older. I do not think I can make it to 18 let alone 60-80. I might aswell tell this girl I like them, they will never see me again. I could just die tomorrow. A bridge is a decent substitute. emotions",Suicidal +18076,I can go from smiling and laughing to want to swing from a rope really quick. I cannot take this anymore. there is nothing in-between. It comes in waves and it scares me,Suicidal +18077,I am fucking worthless and nobody will ever love me I need to die tonight cannot stop hitting myself going to kill myself tonight,Suicidal +18078,"i often see myself in a pitch black room, i can see, feel, touch, taste, and hear. in the distance, i see everything and everyone I have ever loved or cared about, so i start running to grab their arms as they reach out to grab me, but no matter how fast or how long i run, its always the same distance away. i feel the overwhelming urge to breakdown and cry but when i try, i cannot, I am mad but i do not feel anger, I am sad but do not feel sadness, i feel nothing but despair and loneliness. my emotions lost to the void that I am so desperately trying to escape. i fall to my knees with my head facing the ground, two choices lay in front of me, 1. to continue trying no matter how hard or exhausting it is and no guarantee that ill ever succeed in reaching them, 2. a game over switch, but no matter how long I am running or trying i always reach for the first one because i do not want to give up, i do not want to end things, but I am scared that if i do not reach them, that eventually ill choose option 2 and that terrifies me. i doubt i ever will take option 2 but i feel the longer i try the more likely it could happen.Note, I am not suicidal, this is just what my depression feels like This is what my severe depression feels like",Depression +18079,"Most people have to work a regular 9 - 5 (More like 9 - 7 these days) to live. No real getting around that. They make money to acquire things that make them happy or engage in activities that make them happy. Literally nothing I can think of feels worth sacrificing most of my life for. If I could just have nothing in exchange for doing nothing in life that would be ok with me I think. I am not materialistic. Everything i own can all be put into two and a half boxes. I do not really find sex as appealing as the rest of society seems to. I could live without it. At the same time traveling seems silly to me to spend months of saved money just to look at some places and take some pictures. Then you have to save and penny pinch for months again to do it again. Not appealing. All I have in life I enjoy are my relationships with my friends but of course as you get older and have to focus on your career and your family and what have you, you have less time to hang out. We have to plan weeks in advance just to have some drinks together but in that three weeks life happens and someone cannot come, etc etc. I do not have the best family so I only really communicate with my mom on a regular basis. I just do not really see any point in continuing this existence that I feel like I have to force myself through. If I had a dream job or really enjoyed sex or money or any of the things that seem to satisfy everyone else I feel like Id be ok, but none of it feels worth it. Life itself does not feel worth it if I have to sacrifice a huge chunk of it to sleep and working. Everything is feeling like too much work. Too many tasks. Too much expectation. Too much bullshit. Hell some days I do not eat because I am just so tired of existing I do not want to do anything. Is there anyone that feels like this? Is there any help? Any chance of escape. God I do not really want to kill myself but I also really no longer wish to continue this existence. I wish there was an easy answer to all this but there is not. Just feels hopeless. Thank you for reading. I felt like I had to just get this out my head or I was going to explode on the inside. I am tired of forcing myself to live a normal existence. Nothing in life seems to bring me enough happiness to want to continue living in this world for it.",Suicidal +18080,"Not claiming to be depressed. But oh my god. This is not the oh I just need to start my day and Ill get betterI do not feel like doing ANYTHING right now. I hope it goes away but I understand this feeling. I do not even have the energy to do drugs. Like I do not feel like doing anything but eating and I cannot eat cuz Ill get fat. And sitting around all day will make me die of boredom. I wish I had more energy. Maybe its caffeine withdrawal?I do not know. I am just constantly imagining myself doing something crazy and am always saying how I want to kill my self. Nothing sounds fun. I do not mean it specifically, like I am not suicidal. But it just reflects how I feel. I am not suicidal but sometimes I wish I could go into a coma for 3 months and then return back with a fresh start, skinny, happy, with the same job, motivated and ready. No point in me saying this. I just hate everything and I am tired. I feel like doing absolutely nothing",Depression +18081,"I get happy sometimes but only for brief moments.long term happiness without thinking too much seems like heaven, just a normal life. that seems so nicebut idc anymore, i do not want anything of thatfuck what is happiness?",Suicidal +18082,"I am just tired. Tired of this life filled with disappointment and sadness. I am tired of the depression and anxiety filled days overfilled by the nightmares each night. I hate myself and I hate my life. I have tried faking my way in the hope of that thought process sticking but its been unfruitful. At this point the only thing keeping me going is knowing if I give up it would kill my mother and I cannot do that to her.I have tried therapy and I have tried medication but nothing helps. Even when I have been happy with my partner a good portion of those days are filled with self hate and thoughts of suicide. As of late my partner has put me on a long break which is to end soon. This break has compounded all my anxiety/depression to the point I breakdown at work, gym, really anywhere. I know that I have attachment issues stemming from friends that would leave me as a young boy to when my father killed himself on my birthday. I am ok with death but when someone leaves my life I crumble. Its as if a piece is taken away and I never grow it back. Losing my partner and or this break that will undoubtedly end in termination of the relationship is feeling like the last piece I have.I have tried to better myself and find me these last 4 months but its a facade. I carry this weight to the gym to better my body, making each rep feel pointless. When I run I am only running from my demons. I have lost 60lb and I still hate what I see in the mirror. I cannot feel free. I try to pursue my education to no avail. I feel every test is just another step towards nothing but an empty future. When I am at therapy all that is going through my head is that its a waist as I know all the tools I can use to ease or erase the pain but I cannot and or they do not work. All I am doing is creating more of a facade so that my mother does not have to worry about me. I keep trying to do things for me but I hate it. I hate who I am. (25m) idk I needed a place to vent and or looking for advice on how to let go of pain and self hate",Depression +18083,"For half of my life I have dealt with depression. I think its at the worst its ever been for me and I have no clue what to do. I see a therapist virtually, but I am not sure how much its really helping.I miss people, I miss going to the store without worrying about getting sick. So now I just never leave the house. I am not even happy in the house. Its messy and unclean, I am sad and have no energy or motivation. I am anxious far too often. I try to keep positive that it will get better but its taking ages. I feel jealous of people sometimes because they seem beautiful and healthy and happy. I was not like that before and of course you never know what people are dealing with. But, I just want that happiness and health as well. Instead I hate myself and basically have no friends.Will it get better? I sure fucking hope so. I just wish I could disappear. Feel so cold and alone and overwhelmed",Depression +18084,"I had a breakdown today. I felt massively lethargic and could barely move. My mum got really angry because she wanted me to get dressed and take the dog for a walk but I just could not do it. This made me feel even worse and has coloured everyone is day, and I refused to eat with the rest of my family at dinner. I am feeling a little better now, which makes me wonder if I ever actually felt that bad or if I was just being a lazy asshole? I feel like I cannot even read my own thoughts, I do not know what I feel or what is motivating me today. How do you know if you are actually depressed or just being an asshole?",Depression +18085,Usually when I have days off from work and I am feeling depressed I just sleep but I have already slept from 8pm last night to now 3pm and I am still sad what do I do? I do not want to end up binge eating because that is my only other thing as I am a fucking loser that can only think about food Sleep is my go to but now what,Depression +18086,"I will never be able to live independently, I will always be poor, disabled, lonely, sick, always in pain, always tired, always dependant on others. I will never have a partner, never friends, never having hobbies I enjoy, never be able to work.Most of the time I lie in bed. Why should not I simply give up? what is in for me in this life? Why should not I give up?",Depression +18087,God fucking damn it why does my dad always have to drop by out of fucking no where and just shit on my day I have had a dogshit birthday the last three years and on the only one that actually matters I have to spend the majority of it alone and with that stupid asshole dropping by and he has the balls to com here and tell me he does not know what issue me and my sister have with him what in the actual fuck dude it just infuriates me to no end and ImMaking progress and Johnny come fucking nobody has to drop by and kick me in the face back down the ladder to being angry Advice to feeling better so I can go do shit with friend s,Depression +18088,"I was happy almost, not happy but like calm and stable in feeling sad I guess. Things have been very difficult lately and hurtful and I do not know what changed but I suddenly feel so depressed and tired Day goes fine then suddenly extremely sad",Depression +18089,"At this point idc if anyone I know sees this. Anxiety, childhood trauma, eating disorder,insomnia,sexual assault by an older family member, my mom knowing but I am not allowed to tell anyone about it to ""keep the family together "", my bf of 2 years emotionally cheating on me twice and then lying about it for 5 months, his family being weird towards me, hormone problems, infertility-at this point idk if this is solvable. I just want to end it. Idk what to do",Suicidal +18090,"Anybody else quit their old job, start a new one (or entrepreneurship) and find yourself less stressed but more depressed than before? The fuck! I am so frustrated with life right now. So hard to see the other side of all the work I am putting in but also feel like I am not putting in enough hard work. I am tired, feel like I am stuck and lost. New job, still depressed",Depression +18091,"I am having raging suicidal thoughts as I type this. I am queer and have a loving girlfriend, but unemployed since the pandemic hit. I lost many friends along the way and it made me wonder the following:Am I a bad person? Well, I could say I am an alright person but one who makes bad decisions when in awful circumstances. I tend to self sabotage when things go too well, I used to opt out of many gatherings because the social anxiety affected me greatly.However, there is one particularly important friend which I lost along the way. This friendship was a healthy one, and throughout our 5 years of knowing each other, there was not a single moment we had a fight that lasted over a day. In fact, we barely fought. We knew each other so well, we celebrated each other's wins, we cried when the other cried. I loved her so much and I always dreamt we would be friends till our hair turned grey.But something happened during the pandemic which broke our friendship. In retrospect it was INCREDIBLY petty and dumb, but I guess my reaction to it was so out of character to her that it made her change her mind about me completely. All of us were cooped up at home on lockdown, and during that time Singaporeans (us) were not allowed to meet anyone outside of the household. I come from a deeply dysfunctional family and trust me, the atmosphere at home is not something I want to describe in detail because it would just bring back very painful memories. Basically I was not mentally great, and I felt very alone and unwanted.During my birthday, my friend wished me via IG(photo montage) and DM. I missed her terribly and I felt so so SO lost without her. It was 3 months that I had not met this particular friend. In a way, it was my mistake for depending on her for my happiness, I mean, we are both adults so why did I cling on to the notion that my friends would save me from the catastrophe which was my mental health and basically, general home life? Fast forward a month later, I found out she delivered birthday presents to this guy who was her friend, a guy I could not stand. A fellow cohort graduate, This guy was, for some odd reason, fine with my friend but despised me. We did not click, and let us just say he intentionally blocked certain projects from me because he did not like me. I wish I could say I was a bitch to him or gossiped about him, or said anything mean, but I never did. he just had a natural inkling to dislike me. Our cohort was infamous for this type of childish behaviour, so my best guess was that he heard a rumor about me and believed it. Though he never told my friend about any of this because HE KNEW we were tight. So weird. Regardless, I got mad. I felt neglected and forgotten. I wondered how important I was to her if she could send him physical gifts but nothing my way. I felt like I deserved something more since we WERE close friends. When I asked her why she made this decision, she said she felt bad for HIM because he was complaining how lonely and sad he felt during lockdown. The irony was so thick like toffee, I blew up. See? see how stupid and circumstantial this whole thing is? I wanted something, ANYTHING to make me feel wanted and my own close friend could not see that. We sent each other novel-length texts trying to justify our actions(for over an hour), until I decided to block her for a minute or two so we could cool down. She was offended and hurt by this, and instead of waiting for an explanation, she blocked me on all forms of social media and never spoke to me again. We have not spoken since last year and I am still heartbroken about it. I have apologised to her multiple times, telling her how wrong I was for reacting that way, that it was purely circumstantial because of well...EVERYTHING (isolation, family trauma, dysfunction at home, existing mental illness, unemployment, sending presents to a whole ass bully) but she did not accept my apologies. I still think about her nearly every other day. I thought she was my soulmate in a way but apparently our friendship was as flexible as glass. The thing is, I am aware I made mistakes. I quickly got myself a counsellor after the incident and spoke to her on zoom during lockdown. I tried to make changes to myself to be the best version of me if we could meet again next time, but, I just feel like I can never be forgiven. I have spent years struggling with my own self-doubt, self-esteem, anxiety and chronic depression, and I honestly really thought I hit the jackpot when I met this friend. She was patient and non-judgemental, and all those years we had as friends, I never trauma dumped on her, or at least I thought I did not? If she could have told me if I made mistakes along the way I would have changed everything. I wish I saw the signs.Now that it is been a year, I feel like there is a gaping hole in my chest that has yet to be filled. Even my girlfriend cannot fill it. I feel like there is something inherently wrong and damaged with me after I lost this one friend. I do have other good friends, it is true, but losing one, just one, has ruined my outlook on life and myself as a person. So right now, I just need some help figuring out if I am a fucked up, unfixable wackjob or if I should try to reconnect with her again.or did I just make bad friendships that could not survive a pandemic? Please let me know. Thank you, Reddit. One year anniversary of a falling out with a best friend",Suicidal +18092,"I will give myself some time off to recover for a few days to just screw around and enjoy myself and I swear it makes me feel even worse or something. I do not get it...If my brain wants me to get things done so badly and feel accomplished, why does it have to make me not want to do anything?What a vicious cycle... No matter how much I rest, it never seems to help",Depression +18093,"TLDR: Wean off effexor xr 75mg myself or cold turkey?I have been on paxil/effexor xr 75mg for a couple of years now. I feel like its done its job. I am no longer depressed for months at a time. Just some bad days that are few and far between. I have a job that I like for the most part (retail). I am just sorta neutral on everything. I do not have super lows or super highs just blah. I feel like that its not giving anymore benefits. Just major headaches if i miss a dose. For the past year since before COVID started to wonder trying to see how life is without it since I have changed/ the worlds changed so much since I started taking it.I really dislike my current doctor, I only go to him since he is the same doc as my dad and that he is close. Today I called him to see if I can try stopping. He did not suggest it since he said that it could take 6 weeks to see any effects. And that trying to go back on it if I decide I need it is bad.I asked if he was going to wean me off or just make me quit cold turkey. He said that I should just stop cold turkey. Now I know that when I miss a dose or two I get bad headaches/brain zaps, become really irritable, and get sick. So him saying cold turkey is fine makes me feel really scared. I have read up on other peoples posts that effexor xr is the worst to stop cold.I was wondering if I could either A) break the few pills I have left and self wean or B) try to find another doctor as a new primary care physician/ second opinion.Any advice is greatly apricated. Stopping anti-depressants cold turkey?",Depression +18094,"If life is about joy, family, friends and love like everyone says, is it even worth living if I have never and will never experience any of the listed things? Is an unsuccessful lonely life worth living?",Suicidal +18095,"I grew up in a town that was huge on high school athletics. Pretty much every boy was expected to play something or else they were treated as different. I am on the spectrum myself and sports were the thing I turned to when I wanted to escape the reality of my situation. Ill be the first to admit I was a bit of a jock and because of that status, people barely recognized my condition or at the very least, gave me a pass for it. I played 3 sports, which I dominated in and was a ladies man throughout my teen years. I was truly on top of the world. Each year, my school would hold a massive pep rally a month into the school year. The pep rallys were an all day thing that would feature multiple events. The biggest event of them all was the athletic competition. Hundreds of students, boys and girls, would compete in multiple activities and would be eliminated one by one until a winner was crowned. I had won the competition during my freshman, sophomore, and junior year. In the 50+ year history of the event, I was the only student who had ever won three straight competitions. I was fully prepared to win a fourth straight and complete the dynasty. The athletic director had told me the school would gift me a scholarship fund if I was able to win it all one more time. As usual, I breezed through the competition early and comfortably secured my spot in the final round yet again. No surprises there. This time my finals opponent would, for the first time, be a girl who just happened to be a freshman. She was tall and lanky and posed no real threat to me off the naked eye. The final round would consist of a basketball shootout, first to 10 wins. Basketball is my best sport and I felt as if they were almost gifting the championship to me. I took an early 5-0 lead but she ended up getting into a lucky hot streak and won 10-7. She defeated me and became the champion. I was humiliated and went into a massive depression. I know that I deserved to be the one holding that trophy and seeing her hoist it up killed me. The rest of my senior year remains a blur to me. To put even more salt in the wound, the same girl that defeated me would go on to win the competition in her 10th/11th/12th grade years. She got the dynasty that she denied me of. The pain comes and goes but has been really strong recently. I was humiliated and will never be able to live it down. I know its silly because I am 28 and she is 24 now but I just cannot seem to let go of the past. I know its unhealthy to be this upset all these years later, but I cannot help but think about it each night. I toss and turn thinking about how all of this it could have been prevented had I just won. I could have been the one who completed the dynasty, not that lucky little bitch who has ruined my life. I cannot get over something that happened nearly ten years ago. Advice?",Depression +18096,Like It really confuses and scares me that I will have to be with myself for thirty more years more or less. The other part is that I wish I had something to look forward to. I just do not. I tried. Is this normal ? I am 29. Whenever I imagine living 30 more years I get this odd anxiety in my chest.,Depression +18097,I just want to die that is all. I want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,Depression +18098,"I struggle to socialise. I am either obsessed about messaging people or I suffer loneliness if I do not message. All In all it triggers my anxiety and depression and suicidal ideation. Can anybody relate? Obsession, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +18099,"How did you take your first step? How would I go about telling my parents ""i need help""? I am a 23 year old college dropout who has no future to speak of. I see nothing but darkness ahead of me. I feel like a parasite leeching off my parents for sustenance. I feel like, no, I AM a sore thumb when compared to my highly successful elder sisters. My existence is a waste of space. How do I tell my parents all this? Even my friend who i met online who i opened up to turned his back on me. I have no one to talk to. For those of you who suceeded in opening up",Suicidal +18100,"Does anyone else have this habit? Buy a packet of cigarettes cheaply. Smoke one and realise again this is not you. Whenever I go healthy, I crave to have a unhealthy habit in my life.I can usually last 2 weeks then back to a binge of unhealthy habitsAny advice? Functioning depression",Depression +18101,I do not know what else to do beside the things I currently do to stay better but I cannot. I hate myself from the bottom of my heart I just want to die I feel so overwhelmed i cannot live anymore please :''( I cannot stand my life anymore,Depression +18102,I do not get enough sleep and I feel like I am going insane. The past few weeks have been so fucking hard and the worst part is nobody knows about what I am going through therefore I am being judged constantly. No hopes and No prayers just pain lmao I cannot take it anymore,Depression +18103,"It does not matter that we have been friends since Kindergarten, it does not matter that they ""Will always be there for me"" or that ""they love me"". They just treat me like a fucking clown, i can be there and try to help them but then they ignore me for a fucking week and only speak to me when they are bored and do not have anything else to do. I tried to write all the ""Story"" and my situation but I just got so fucking mad. ""Friends""",Depression +18104,help I feel so overwhelmed I cannot live anymore I do not want to I just want to end it all. it is a massive effort just to be alive for me I want to cry all day I want to die help help,Suicidal +18105,"I am feeling depressed, anybody else feeling that way too? Anybody want to talk for a bit?",Suicidal +18106,"i live through pain. i feel like the living embodiment of pain and trauma. but something gives me this drive to overcome it. i feel like I have been through the most. the only negative thing *i have not* experienced is the loss of a parent/homelessness or severe physical/hospital pain. everything else mentally, traumatically growing up i have experienced. and i have lost family. being in pain puts my feet firmly on the ground and for some reason makes me see my reality exactly as it isonce there; it can only go up. because ultimately my mind forces my body to do any and everything to avoid thinking about the thing causing me pain its got to the point for me where i actually thrive from being in pain",Depression +18107,I am inside a dark room and in living in dark moment and i want someone to give me his or her hand. I need someone to talk to,Suicidal +18108,"I am just so tired of myself and the fact that I will never be what my family wanted. I have already accepted it long ago and I know I cannot change who I am, but it still hurts. I still cannot stop comparing myself to other people my age which always makes me feel like worthless trash. I just feel so unlovable and like I should not even be alive. I am tired of the never ending pressure.",Depression +18109,"This is the first time in a long time that I have been completely at home for the next few days. I do not know why but I am feeling very suicidal. I already was before but this is probably the worst I have ever been. I keep thinking that because no one is home that means I should do it, but that does not make sense because my family would still find me. I do not understand. I do not know if I will survive this weekend",Suicidal +18110,"I have attempted suicide when i was only in third grade. why? because I am sick of my parents arguing, sick of being that one weird kid at school that nobody talks too, sick of seeing my family in poverty and trying to raise a family. of course i still love my parents, but i hate watching them struggle for my needs before there is. and then they split. i hated seeing my single parent cry as they handed me a $50 bill on christmas with tears in their eyes, barely able to keep it straight. i, however, was beyond belief and grateful for getting $50 as i have never owned that much money before.now here comes my self insecurities, self doubt, depression/anxiety, and love/trust issues. i spend hours a day wondering why I am the ugly kid and how life would be so much easier if i was dead (i know, killing myself over how i look is not something i should do). my insecurities of wondering why I am so skinny and not like the other people I have seen who have has the physical appearance that they eat enough. my self doubt of am i good enough? am i a burden on my parents? have they ever had suicidal ideation but held it together because they do not want to see me in pain? and it circles around in my head eventually driving me to madness and causes me to break down in tears. i do not know how to love and have a hard time trusting people, causing me to push them away.if it was not so hard to talk about feelings with other people/reach out to get help and getting them to understand what is going on inside my mind and life, maybe id be in a different point and state of mind. rant post about my thoughts/life",Suicidal +18111,Fuck life. I am not worthty enough to be in this world. I just want to die.,Depression +18112,"I feel I am not living any longer for myself I do not do anything for me I make people laugh I make people happy I advise them I love people and help whenever I can. And some people that rejected me from their lives I feel that I should impress. However this feeling goes away and I feel that nothing is worth it because I do not care about anyone's opinion. I would like an advice that will help me stay alive more, I do not want to die not yet at least but I do not see many options... Is life worth it?",Suicidal +18113,"i used to have very clear goals, plan how to achieve them and overall the next 10 years sort of planned out. now when i try to think where i see myself in 5 or 10 or 20 years, i simply just cannot think about anything and its really making me even more anxious. i used to have a lot of friends but i do not know what happened, or maybe i do but i do not know how to explain it even to myself. i played a lot of sports and hung out with friends. now i just sit on my computer all day and sometimes go to short walks outside. i have no interest to even play games anymore and the only thing i do on pc is just watch youtube or stare at the fucking desktop. i just do not know me anymore and feel lonely even i know there are few people that care about mehopefully this was not too confusing <3if you ever need a buddy to play with, I am here as i got nothing vetter to do who am i",Depression +18114,"I am 17 year old, diagnosed with depression trying every day to stay alive. My depression mostly exist because of this feeling of loneliness. I do not like being around people either they are friends or family. This feeling of loneliness never leaves and it is much worse being around people and feeling lonely. I have been seing a therapist but nothing has changed. I have been sh for a long time now trying to feel something. Sucidal thoughts hover my mind at all times. I am trying to find a reason to keep on living but it is so hard, everything seems so meaningless and i feel worthless. I feel like i have reached a dead end and the only choice left is killing myself. Dead end",Depression +18115,"Fuck, I have 3 meals a day and that itself makes me 'luckier' than atleast a billion people. I have good parents who never abused me. And yet I do not want to do anything. I used to be passionate about cars but now I am completely dead inside. I just want to die in my sleep tonight and I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Hell, I am not even 20 yet. I do not want to do taxes or have kids or work or anything. I am tired of being tired for no fucking reason. I feel so guilty for not being appreciating everything I have. How do you deal with guilt?",Depression +18116,22 M. I am stuck in a rut. I am angry all the time. I barely have any energy to do things. My therapist says that I should try and widen my social circle. Any advice on how to do this? Help,Depression +18117,"I buy food like vegetables, fruits, chicken, shrimp etc and i do not even put them into the fridge. So they go bad and i put them into the garbage. I hate wasting wasting food and money. Am i too stupid, i really cannot handle myself sometimes. Buying food and not eating them",Depression +18118,Words cannot describe the heavy weight I have over my head rn. I feel trapped I cannot stand it anymore. I am constantly being triggered for 3 hours straight now in an endless circle of thoughts. I am trying to get drunk but its not working at all. I am missing out on life so much its killing me. And last time I felt like this I was about to. Man its bad its really fucking bad I want to travel the world but I am broke I cannot stand being here anymore,Depression +18119,"Ok, how do I stop suicidal intrusive thoughts? Its really annoying me and I just want it to stop Help",Suicidal +18120,"I wish i had a functional family, they argue every day. it is unbearable Ugh",Depression +18121,"Hey. First of all, forgive my poor english. German dude reporting in :)Where do i start? I have had a panic disorder in the past for a few years. Probably because of my childhood and a lot of violence between my parents. (Coming from my father, mother was an angel) A father slapping his wife into the bathtub was not rare sight for me. Last year my mother died because of glioblastoma. It hit hard and fast, around a month after the first symptoms hit she died in the hospital. My brother and i decided to let her go, after she fell asleep in a operation. (do not know the right word, it was basicaly an 'awake operation' where they tried to reduce the tumor). She went into a coma afterwards and never woke up again.Now, I have seen my best friend, my mother die from that. I visited her as often as i could and felt like she reacted to my voice. A few days before her death there was none of that. She was simply sleeping, connectes to all the machines. I hated that sight, it crushed me. The day of the funeral i had so much anger in me. I was angry at life, at my father. She did not deserve that. I know that there are worse cases, i know all of that. But after all, she was my mother and my best friend. So much for the prologue. A month after her death i got a pulse synchronized (?) Tinnitus. Basically a whooshing sound to the beat of my heart. I got heavy dizzy spells and could not walk. Went to my doc, got my blood checked, CT done, 24 hour heart rate measured and what not. Everything is 'fine'.And most of all i feel so foggy. Literally 24/7 for a year now. It feels like I am hanging on a thread of conciousness. I am just not 'here'. My forehead feels tingly when i move it. I do not know anymore. Is it Depression, trauma? My doc said to seek out a therapist but i have a huge fear of having something physically wrong with me. Its exhausting and i miss being clear in my head. Everything is slower and sometimes it feels like my brain is too slow for my eyes.I do not know, sounds like a rant (which it is partly). But I am simply exhausted. What is going on",Depression +18122,"In fact, it only gets worse. I am 51. It does not get better.",Depression +18123,"Been suicidal since 11 or 12 years old. Back then it was just occasional thoughts during tough times (which were often) or times where my depression took over but now at 36 I think about it more than I do not. Deep down I know that my because of death will be suicide and considering over the last 8 months how far I have fallen into the abyss of depression, I know that day is getting close. I used to have a light about me, even in the darkest times, but over the last few years, that light has gone from bright to dim to nonexistent and I know I am nearing the end of my journey. 20+ years of wanting to die",Suicidal +18124,"I used to struggle with suicidal thoughts when I was really heavy, they went away for a bit when I lost all the weight, but now they have returned...The few friends I had stopped hanging out when I quit smoking weed. Thank you Controlled Substances Act for turning me into an alcoholic. I cannot go a week without binge drinking at least twice now, or a couple days without having a few brews, always feeling anxious and shitty the next day. But wait, coke does not show up in a drug test nearly as long, so now I have that demon to battle as well.My moms been sick, she will not tell anyone the specifics, that hurts. My dads fighting with his wife (separated parents), I have not talked to them very much in months because every time I visit they just complain about each other. My stepdads a bigoted piece of shit that has not said more than a few sentences to me since I came out and wants me out of the house. My siblings are busy with their own lives, which I am apparently not a part of anymore.I would pack up and leave too, but all my money is tied up in medical bills, student loans, credit card debt (I am a fucking idiot I know), and a car note. I do not know how I am supposed to save over a grand for a down payment, or who will even take me without spending at least a year at the job first, considering my current employer is booting me out at the end of the week to outsource my position...But hey I lost a couple hundred pounds, so that is cool. Too bad it is severely fucked up my skin leaving me to look like a lumpy potato sack, and corrective surgery is not covered by insurance because it is considered ""cOsMEtiC"". Guess I will just have to live with it. I thought it would make me happy, and sure walking up stairs without getting out of breath is nice, but my dopamine levels have not really changed...I spent 4 years neglecting my social life to rack up debt for a piece of paper. Work and school both full time, too busy to really meet anyone or do anything fun for myself. Not that my social skills are great either, I never knew what having confidence was like when I was a big guy, so I cannot hold a conversation for shit, I just grin like an idiot and sound like a dumb robot, occasionally making some stupid joke or captain obvious type comment. Maybe it will help me find a new job, I do not know anymore, the markets not great for my career field even though I was told it should be. Guess once employers realized they can remotely hire anyone around the world they stopped giving a fuck about the locals. Is what it is I guess. I keep waiting for a call, but none ever come...Thought the added free time would be nice, but without friends there is not much to do. I have spent so much time watching stuff on Netflix and YouTube that I do not even know what else I can search, and video games are dull to me now. Just the same endless gameplay loop for some reward that feels nice to obtain for a few minutes before feeling like the same repetitive shit over again. None of that even feels like fun to me anymore...I would talk to my boyfriend but he is probably sexting with someone else right now. Oh yeah, he drunkenly admitted to that last night. that is going to be a fun conversation for tonight. I do not know how he is he going to react, and honestly, he was the only reason I even wanted to wake up in the mornings anymore. If shit goes south later, I do not think I am going to continue this game anymore, I want out. I have no reason nor will to keep playing anymore... The thoughts are coming back again",Suicidal +18125,"I am suicidal. Its awful, but I have only just realised I have been for a while. I want to die. I am scared of my own heartbeat, I hate living next door to my neighbours, I am terrified of the world opening back up again when I am not safe.But I have an amazing fiance whose heart would break. I have two cats who need me to feed them. I cannot even run away even for a few days. So I cannot die, I cannot even escape for a single moment, but I want to so badly.I constantly want to cry, I constantly want to be asleep, and I always said I should not have lived this long anyway and now I know I was right.I do not know what to do. I think I am beyond anyone helping me. I would not even know where to begin. I cannot live but I cannot die?",Suicidal +18126,I am dead on the inside anyways. What difference does my body make? But I would also effectively kill my grandparents as well which I do not want to do. How to get better without medication? I will be dead soon.,Depression +18127,My cat got out of the house and it is been hours. I am so fucking sad. This really pushed me over the edge. I love her so much and I am so worried about her. If she does not come back I do not know what I will do. I want to die so bad. This has been the worst day of my life,Depression +18128,Do you get a day or two with suffering or it is just endless psychological pain Do you get mini break from misery,Depression +18129,"I got so mad and cut myself, slap myself and hit myself. Because i did not draw well. I cannot receive criticize comment.I am just a weak pos. I wish i fucking hang myself. I do not even know why I am alive. I am a useless piece of shit. Cut too deep",Depression +18130,"I am sorry this can be triggering. I know it sounds wild, but I really want everything to end already. I tried killing myself twice, I went to 2 psychologists, one adviced me to go to a psychiatrist and to take pills, but fuck me if I want to do so. I know they can be so harmful and I do not want to deal with it. I also do not have the heart to take my life because I know people close to me will be in shock and I will because so much pain.But living is such a pain, I do not know who to talk about that, I cannot even get up in the morning properly without forcing myself to do so.I hate forcing myself to do stuff, I hate myself, my mind, my body. If I do not sleep properly my thoughts and my head go crazy and I hate every bit of it. I want to die so badly and I cannot",Depression +18131,"I am in my early 20s, it is really hard for me to open up with people in real life, I prefer to be reticent, even if I want to open up sometimes, I just cannot. I fear, me diving into conversations, will mess the fun out of it.Although, with the same peeps online, it is fun to talk to for long hours(ironically they enjoy talking to me ), sporadically.I just resonate with them and all goes well.But at times I feel lonely, it is mostly like once in a month or two. I feel like a wave of sadness washes over me, out of nowhere and my heart gets heavy( it literally gets) and I find breathing a lil difficult. Even though I have people to share my impertinent stuff with, I prefer not to share with them as I feel it would end up being boring either for them or for me, so I just be sad and lack the vitality to get up and just lay down.I hate to get antidepressants, last time I got some by consulting a neuro in 2019, it was hella expensive and was not pleasant at all. I used to be a pretty energetic lad, it made me weak and exhausted the whole time. I was hallucinating even during my lectures, was naive and stupid to continue that for a month. It was a rough year for me. Things got better for me as of now, not a loner anymore. But the sudden feel of loneliness out of nowhere haunts me occasionally, for which distractions are hard to find, I just lay on the bed , watch clock ticking, thinking profusely , why on earth the clock never stops ticking. Curbing loneliness.",Depression +18132,"Its getting harder to continue living. I feel like I have already died inside many years ago. And this deep depression keeps coming back though I have talked it through with friends, read articles to try to cope. I am incredibly lonely even though I have friends and family. But I do not talk to my family about these things. I know exactly how I am planning to leave tonight. I am just grasping at anything to try to stay. I am really having a hard time finding a reason to stay.",Suicidal +18133,"Throwaway acc.I (22M) have spent the last few months not able to go a single day without suicidal thoughts crossing my mind. I have enough knowledge to take my own life in way too many ways for my own good but i have no idea why I have not gone through with it yet, my best guess is i am afraid to fail suicide, just like i failed every other thing in my lifeI was raped 4 times as a kid and nobody know about it. I have panic attacks upon the sight of a police officer due to wrongful imprisonment and deportation. I go days without eating otherwise i cannot afford rent. I suck academically after i used to be top 5% nationwide. Depression fucked me over and i cannot seem to think of any other way out except ending it all. I had enough",Depression +18134,"I am a freelance designer. There has not been much work coming in and I have been getting financial help from my parents. I wished things were better. A few years ago, I was working a regular 9-5 job for a corporation. I had a steady income and felt more free. I enjoyed nice restaurants and going on trips. Right now, I am approaching 40. I have not been in the mood to date. Dating requires confidence, time and money. I have been living more frugally and have been putting more effort into getting back on my feet. I spend a lot of time working on my portfolio and job applications. I have been getting a lot of rejections and it hurts. it is been very competitive out there. Many of my peers have been able to hold onto their jobs and are more settled into their lives as adults. I will admit that I am a bit jealous. I feel like I am stuck in purgatory. I was wondering if you guys could relate? I know I need to work hard on applying myself, but do I need to also put time into my personal life and self care? How do you survive through unemployment?",Depression +18135,"Teenage boy is self harming from past 2 months. Tonight has locked himself in room and cutting. Parents going through rough divorce, my brother represents his mom and the boy likes him. On the phone with him now for some time.. But running out of what to say to him.. talking now. Got him to calm down but worried if he will do something at night. He is much bigger physically than his mom. Should we call ambulance to his house ?? He is saying he will not do anything, will meet doctors tomorrow but we are worried. He is fixated on how cutting is making him feel better. I think we should take him to hospital now and not risk till morning... How to talk to someone self harming, suicidal",Suicidal +18136,"hi I am feeling one of the worst I have felt in my life and the older i get, the more i just become hopeless. i always dream of better days and a time when I am not riddled with fears and anxiety because life could be so beautiful but i seem to only attract negativity, i can not even describe the pain my soul is feeling. and i do not even know where to start but i just need to write its my only comfort at the moment as I am having severe pain in my lung from beeing a chainsmoker for years and I am daily paranoid of death or cancer. even just writing this everything is so exhausting,,, sometimes i do not even have the power to get up and get something to drink, not because I am lazy I am just so tired of life and disapointent, i give all the little power i have and still without my parents and friends help I would drown for sure. as a man I am sad to know that most women are not attracted to a depressed and skinny guy and i have not had a girlfriend in 10 years... i have not hugged kissed or cuddled with a girl in 10 years and I am dying inside, i just need to get it off my chest I have been thinking about sharing this on reddit for whatever reason for a longer time... and i always spoon with my pillow and imagine i have a girlfriend and everyday I am just afraid to die without ever knowing how it feels to be loved... and the pain in my lung at the moment is just scaring me to death, id be happy if someone would just chat with me a little thank you if you have read the whole post i appreciate it my friend Hopeless",Depression +18137,"I am just so tired, I do not know just how much longer I can take to stay in this world. I just want to leave this body and life I was given, I absolutely hate it. I just feel so worthless and broken. Why cannot I just think and function normally? God, If you do exist, why cannot you just please fix me or just take me away already?I try to forget about the bullshit in this world by drinking it away, playing games, or listening to some music but that will not ever change the fact that I am me.I have ruined myself, I am losing more and more people by the minute and Its all because of me and this fucking mind of mine. It just feels like no one wants to deal with my bullshit anymore and fuck, I do not want to deal with mine too. I do not even know if killing myself would make a difference because I already feel so nonexistent to everyone. Its just so suffocating to know that you are a mess and that you wake up everyday to live the same goddamn nightmare. Please, just let it all end. I am so close to ending it all",Suicidal +18138,You cannot runYou cannot hideSounds oh so familiarAs I hope to lie my head down for some peaceful restI come to my dark homeA dark figure has lingered over me from the beginningEven when I took my first breathShadows have cast their eerie gaze over my delicate bodyFragile little childWith bright eyesUnknowing of what her fate may beNaive to the world in front of herShe walks alongside the shadowsThey have become her friendsLittle does she know that they consume herLittle by littleEveryday they drag her down a little furtherA little deeperParts of her get lost to the darknessWithout her noticingBlock out the noiseBlock out the darknessSmile dear oneSmile big nowYou have such a life ahead of youChin up princessScream at the top of my lungsMy bones shatter with the soundThe heat of the eternal flames consume meMy brain melts in the excruciating heatIcy fingers lace their tips around meThe ice coats my beating heartWhy can I no longer hear my heart?Why does it no longer speak?Why can my brain no longer comprehendWhat have I becomeA wandering soulTrapped in a body I cannot useWhat can I control?Who can I trust?Oh the shadowsMy loversMy friendsPlease bring me homeWhere I may lay my head in agonyWhere I may die an infinite amount of deathsSo I may atone for my sinsBurn meSo that I can no longer feel the painSo I can no longer feel anything at allI beg you... I do not know anymore. I am tired.,Depression +18139,"I recently started a job and as I do more shifts the more self conscious I have become. Before I even talk about that I have really bad issues with my body image, I always think people are better than me and that they will be judging me. When I work my mind only let us me work with certain people, if they are too pretty then I cannot work there. Ill cry myself to sleep over how I do not fit into my job, yes Id say I am good at it but I feel like deep down inside they do not like me. I am not good at having a laugh because of the sheer amount of trauma I have been through and Ill have a panic attack when people start joking around. How do I fix these issues? I hate it being constantly on my mind. I do not remember the last time someone complimented me, said something nice or done something for me. Any advice would be good. Thanks :) Self confidence issuee",Depression +18140,I finally managed to give myself diabetes after years of trying and now that I have done that I decided to smoke as many cigarettes and use as much dip as I possibly can everday to hopefully give myself cancer I have to have it how could I not I am already a worthless disgusting fucking monster so the sooner I get cancer the better and no I am joking in the slightest I wish I had the balls to blow my brains out but since I do not I do everything I can everyday to get myself closer to death,Depression +18141,"I have been positive for HSV2 (genital herpes) for 2 years now, and after my pap smear last week I discovered I also have HPV. The doctor said she does not know what kind I have and will not test to see what kind because I am young (24). Having HSV and HPV greatly increases your chances of cervical cancer. I have been fighting suicidal ideation for years anyway, why keep trying? I have booked an appointment with my therapist for next week but need to stay out of The Dark Place until then. Life is completely burdensome. I do not want it, and cannot understand why anyone would want to stay here. I slept around because I hated myself and wanted to self harm. Now I get the consequences. I am done. Diagnosed with a 2nd STD. Ready to unalive.",Depression +18142,"Work makes me feel like I am a slave trapped inside of a box. I have to put myself and soul into a prison cell for 8 hours while I apathetically get through the shift. How is this not suicidal? What part about that is fun? Its modern day feudalism at its finest. Jobs do not promote any individual growth. They just want you to willing to work 190 hours a week and do not give a fuck about mental health. They care zero. Instead you will be ostracized and scrutinized because you do not engage in the toxic one up culture every job has. It enslaves me and makes me feel uncomprehendingly trapped. There is a whole world out there and inside of me but I have to stand at this shithole for 8 hours? Id rather be dead. Who would not? Are you kidding me? The dread is unmatched. The dread is terrorizing and most people do not understand. They just tell me that is life. Some life we live. that is just such a joke to me. I have not even mentioned the miserable system. Its not just my job I hate. (I do hate it) but its working in general. The whole concept. People call me lazy but that is because they are brainwashed into believing selling your soul is the best way to live. Minimum wage jobs are so toxic. The management has zero regard for humanity, the employee morale is pathetically low, i do not give a fuck about the customers and they do not give a fuck about me. No one wants to be there. Then, you have to obtain experience to get a less shitty job and that whole process is miserable to. I wish I lived in a European or different culture where mental health and family relationships are more a priority then punching in hours on the clock. Sorry little brother, I cannot be there to support you for your game this Friday because I have to work and Ill be starving otherwise. Its so backwards. Fuck work Work makes me want to kill myself and no one understands",Depression +18143,When I was 10 I was raped by my older cousin I have wanted to die ever since I have tried it multiple times but have either failed or not gone through with it I do not know what to do anymore I just want to end it all I was raped and want to die now,Suicidal +18144,This is a constant thing that happens. Every single time I feel like I am pulling myself out of the hole someone or something comes along and put me back in the hole deeper than what I was before. Its easy to say well do not let it get to you. Honestly I have heard that so many times the next person that says that can fuck off because no matter what happens it is going to get to me. It does not matter if its now or next week I will think about it. A glimmer of hope then shot down,Depression +18145,"I get sick of myself at times talking about wantingtokillmyself. Telling myself,JUSTDOIT,IFYOUNOTGOINGTODOITSTFUABOUTITTOOTHERS!! I am toopussytokillmyself soitjustmakesmelook likeIjustwantattention",Suicidal +18146,"I do not see another way out really, i found out i am not wanted, who wants this. Every day i just feel hated, everyone i know are fading away. This weekend will be remarkable, not do i because more pain on others, and i will stop myself from looking back at my life in regret. Everything i have done is wrong, what matters to me do not matter at all, what am i even trying to do? Why do i give love to people that hurt me, my next achievement is the most love i will ever have given. My overdose and cut will be the hardest thing I have done, and i want to show what i feel through it. I swear I am not insane, i just want to depart in peace. Just like i finally do writing this. Good bye, i doubt anyone will read this, but thank you if you did i mean it. Good bye, godspeed I am going to kill myself this weekend",Suicidal +18147,"All the things that I learn in therapy does not work sometimes. Sometimes I wish I had someone to just hug me until I can calm down. I have not eaten since Sunday because even if I am hungry I cannot eat alone right now. 3 weeks ago I was 83 kg, this morning I was 75. I wished that my ex went full no contact with me or had taken care of me. Right now I gave up to know how she feels about me. She gives a lot of mixed signals. Sometimes I thinking she just wants to keep me in the bench for the future. I am trying to find a purpose, but I cannot stop thinking that we are just dust in a random universe. I need always I promise of something to get me out and surrounded by people to function. I cannot get comfortable by myself. The song fireside from arctic monkeys made me broke right now. I am not sure if I should show you what I have foundHas it gone for good?Or is it coming back around?is not it hard to make up your mind?When you are losing and your fuse is firesideAnd I thought I was yours foreverMaybe I was mistakenBut I just cannot manage to make it through the dayWithout thinking of you latelyMy mind sucks Sometimes I am beyond repair",Depression +18148,"Any advices or suggestions how to proceed?My partner is going through a hell of a withdrawal. He used 10mg Lexapro for only one week and stopped cold turkey(due to poor amount of information available). Symptoms lasted for one month and he relapsed this time using 100mg Zolof for 11days and stopping again cold turkey. Now we are 4,5months in and he is suffering from terrible symptoms. Brain zaps, weight loss, anxiety, depression, blurry vision, bad hearing, hard to concentrate, muscle pain, cognitive impairment, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, sweating, impulsivity, head ache, agitation, lack of self-esteem.. some symptoms more visible during different times of the withdrawal. Doctor appointment led to a doctor assuming that the symptoms are caused by psychological reasons. She said there is nothing she can do.My partner's whole personality has pretty much changed. After 4months there was one flash of his usual self - feeling all good, so confident and relaxed for 10minutes. It gave a little bit hope for a while. And then he was gone, again. Not a single day feeling good.GABA has been helping his anxiety a little bit. Now ordered some L-thyroxin (does anyone have experience?)we would like to know how long this will last.Is there any other supplements or ANYTHING that could help? Please share.it is so sad. Withdrawal hell advices",Depression +18149,Atleast I would not feel so alone Wish I had an AI or Robot to talk to.,Depression +18150,"This is such a trite, bullshit phrase used by anti - suicide peopleThe help people need is often not available. The working world rules all and does not give allowances for mental health issues until they demand to be taken seriously usually by some act of irreversible damage..In theory I should have support. I see an occupational therapist (suspected to have ASD/ADHD) and a counsellor. They can try and work through my issues but they cannot do anything to help with the unrelenting stress of my job. And I cannot afford to quit. Useless. I cannot explain any of my issues to my boss. They have no power to change my job or provide help. Its just not that type of organization. It would be humiliating to discuss this with them too. Stress leave does not really exist. Would have to see a doctor for that. They all say they do not know me well enough to recommend leave. And it would not help me unless it means a change of job. Its useless to talk to my family. They cannot do anything practical. My dad continually downplays my illness or compared to his own or just thinks I get a little depressed. Tells me I should never feel I cannot take a vacation. A totally stupid thing to say. Talking to them usually just makes me angry. Help lines are totally useless. Never a practical suggestion. I just want to end it to prove a point to- my father who does not take me seriously- my therapist and OT and pysch and everyone else so they know it was serious. I was not faking. I really needed help. - big middle finger to my employer. They like to think they are progressive and care about employees mental health. I could seriously embarrass them. - let everyone else know how little they meant to me - end this charade of working hard to support a life no longer worth living. there is nothing worth the bullshit I put up with. Obviously I want help but it clearly does not exist! And do not bother reporting concern to Reddit what good does that do. ? Ask for help yeah right from who or what ?",Suicidal +18151,I am 19 I turn 20 in 9 days and I I feel sick at the thought of living another year Life is not for me,Depression +18152,"I am not asking for much but being able to survive without fancy possessions and just ""exist"" without living under a bridge or overpass. Why is it such a drag to wake up every fucking day and want to die but have no way to just give up otherwise Why is there no way for an adult that hates every day he is alive to just give up?",Depression +18153,I am exhausted tired of hiding,Suicidal +18154,"I am just wondering if this is common or not or maybe it is just me. I feel less depressed on it. do not randomly start crying and feeling like absolute shit. I have issues feeling really happy about things I definitely should be. Bf got a great job, felt almost nothing. Planning my sister's party, nothing. I feel like there is more examples but that is all I have now. I feel like my emotions are muted. Not a zombie state. Could totally just be my depression making me like this. Idk. Wellbutrin users question",Depression +18155,My sister is a recovering addict who has been in recovery for almost two years. she is feeling very stressed and anxious just overwhelmed by life and she told me that she is worried about relapse and suicide. But she gets overwhelmed when I try to talk to her about how I can help to alleviate some of the stress in her life. I have done things like clean her house to make sure that she has a peaceful space and does not have to worry about that. I got her doctors contact information but I need her insurance card to call and make her an appointment. I have asked for it a couple times and each time she was overwhelmed already and just asked me not to do it right then. I cannot ask too much or push too hard or she gets overwhelmed and freaks out. I am at her house with my two children and I worry that the children are too much stimulation for her but she has a one year old and I want to be here to help care for her. I also am afraid to leave her alone. I am afraid to do anything actually. I am afraid if I do not talk and I just try to keep the kids away from her to give her quiet that she will think I am upset. I am afraid if I try to talk about what she is going through she will be overwhelmed. I am afraid if I talk about other things to provide a distraction or show her I am not upset that she will think I do not care or be overwhelmed. Help. I have no idea what to do. do not know what to do,Suicidal +18156,"they are not fond memories either, they used to be but now I realize it was all an illusion. That happiness was never sustainable. where is it now?its a lie. So I figure I have always been lying to myself. To the point I do not know what is real anymore and its almost like the words lost all meaning to me. Bc it does not matter what is real anymore. Nothing does I do not feel like a person anymore just something that cannot diethats all I want now, to be free of the bs. Even tho realistically all Ill do is wait it out. Waiting for nothing, that is funny All I have are memories",Depression +18157,"So I am 20. Being struggling with clinical depression since about 14. Its gotten better the past few months but I keep falling into pits of serious depression whenever I overthink my life. To make a long story short I have 6 close friends. Every-time I think about them and their lives I feel like I am 100 miles behind. One is engaged, halfway through uni. One is planning to get engaged next year and has applied for a house with his partner. One is in a serious relationship and has their dream job. One is finished with uni next year and had just gotten into a relationship and one has a FWB and is also graduating uni next year. I am a virgin who has not been in a relationship for about 7 years (and let us be real at 13 does it even count?) who works in a supermarket and is starting uni this september after dropping out due to mental health this year. My looks and weight have been a massive insecurity for me so the main thing I have been focusing on to improve my mental health this year is weight loss and so far I am down 80lbs. However this really has not changed my life like I thought it would so now I am juststuck thinking about wtf will actually make me happy. I just feel like I am useless compared to them and that Ill always be alone. I am super extroverted and love meeting new people. Id say I am funny and caring and apart from my weight Id say in regards to my confidence its pretty good. I do not think I am the ugliest guy in the world so confused as to why nobody shows interest in me. And whilst everyone is planning on buying houses and going on holidays and weddings with their well paying jobs I feel as if even when I get my degree I will not be able to afford this stuff because I am not going to have anyone to buy a house with or do things with. I just feel like I am going to be a 40 year old relationship less virgin living with my parents with a shitty degree and end up blowing my brains out. I seriously just cannot take the loneliness or feeling in-adequate to them anymore. It feels like every period in my life is waiting for something better and that thing just never comes. These are supposed to be my best years and it just feels like I am never going to experience all the things my peers are. Is anybody else around my age and feels the same because I seriously considering just giving up. Feel like I am falling behind in life compared to my friends + loneliness",Depression +18158,"Hi everyone. My wife is struggling with depression. she is had a lot of sadness her whole adult life, but recently she seems less able to cope. I am trying to encourage her to get help, but she likes to keep her feelings locked up tight and here is the idea of talking to someone about things.She agreed she might try an app or something similar, so was wondering if anyone has any ideas or recommendation. I think something with actual contact with therapist sounds most useful but fully open to thoughts or suggestions. Depressed wife",Depression +18159,I want to die and for all the pain to go away. I am never good enough. Even know when I have a job and I am doing my best my mother still screams at me and thinks I am mentally retarded. I feel so miserable and pathetic ; (,Depression +18160,why do I feel happy and motivated only when I drink some alcohol?? that is so strange. I want my depression to be over so much :( I wish I was always drunk.,Depression +18161,Just know you are not alone. Thinking of all of you. Keep fighting guys To anybody feeling like complete shit today,Depression +18162,"Normally I hate even thinking about this because I feel like that I am an attention seeker and that I am making everything up. I do not even know, its just everything seems hopeless at times and at other times I feel like I can take on the whole world. I am also very self conscious about myself and also occasionally feel as I am not good enough and that I need to hide my emotions. I also occasionally desperately look for proof whenever something major happens and also constantly doubt myself whenever a slight objection is raised to my claim. I am pretty sure I have been gaslighted in the past by one of my parents however even that is still a massive doubt in my head. Sometimes it is just constant uncertainty and also always questioning people's feelings about me and whether I am actually just hated by my friends. I also very easily get upset and feel empty whenever I do anything remotely nostalgic because I am scared that I will never get those experiences again and that I hardly had an impact. I really do not know if I have depression or if its just a ""phase""",Depression +18163,"I am sorry. I know this is so fucking dumb. I just I do not know why I keep falling so hard for people that do not end up feeling the same about me. I am just so fucking done with being me. I really do not think I am that bad a person, but its just happening so consistently, and I just cannot be fucked being alive anymore. This is the second time this year that something has happened and ended within two months, and I actually feel so fucking low and worthless. How do I keep misreading stuff so much. Like what is actually wrong with me.I just do not want to be here, I do not even know what the point is.I am sorry. I do not really feel like I have got anyone I can actually truly open up to, so here I am with Reddit. Sorry :( Posting just because cba with in crisis yknow",Suicidal +18164,"I wake up early because I suck at sleeping, I try to do things I use to enjoy or things that are good for my development like playing PC games or doing some of my course work. I cannot last longer than 15 minutes before getting frustrated and/or bored, I cannot even watch TV shows or youtube videos because it feels like there is nothing worth watching. I spend more time endlessly browsing reddit or pretending to look for something interesting on my phone while I sit in bed and it is the least frustrating past time I have. I wake up, sit mindlessly before work, go to work, and come home and sit mindlessly again. I hate that my most enjoyable way to spend time is doing what feels like absolutely nothing. I wish I had the patience to read a book, or listen to a podcast, but everything feels so fucking slow and boring. My brain wants to tell me that its the world changing, and that is why I cannot find things I enjoy but I doubt that is the case Wasting time is my favorite past-time",Depression +18165,I have bipolar and cerebral palsy and cannot keep a job. I was last fired because I was slow. I cannot get disability because I do not have legal status in the US. I am fucked. My future is being homeless because I cannot help myself and neither can the government. My family is getting tired of carrying my weight idk what to do:( My situation is hopeless,Depression +18166,"i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i do not want to breathe or exist or live anymore. i do not want to be here anymore. i cannot make myself kill myself, i cannot get myself to do it. I am tired. I am so so tired. I am exhausted. i want to go. I am sick of waking up. I am sick of needing to exist. I am sick of living. i was hoping I would get a fatal allergic reaction from the vaccine but i did not even get any side effect. here is to hoping the second dose can magically kill me. maybe a fatal car accident. maybe dying in my sleep. maybe getting stabbed. something fatal. anything and anyone that can kill me. i want death a tired person",Suicidal +18167,"there is a lot of things about my illness that make life difficult, but one of the consistently hardest hitting things is the realization that life is not supposed to be this way.Things have been like this for so long that it just feels like the way things should be to me. I am not used to anything else so I just go through my day feeling dark and empty like its completely normal way to function.But every now and then something reminds me that most people are not like this. Most people are able to look outside and consistently see green. Most people go through every day without deathwish daydreaming. The way my life is is statistically not normal. And everytime I realize that, it hits with me with a truck.The main reason its so normalized is because almost all of my friends, when I express ideation, respond with same or make light of it. Its so normalized in my life because everyone knows how hard things are for me. But every now and then I meet someone who is neurotypical, and eventually I open up to much and they are shocked.For reference: if anyone here knows the game Doki Doki Literature Club, I was talking to my coworker and started talking about Sayori. I talked about her entire dynamic of masking suffering with humor, and her eventual fate. It was kind of a subtle projection. After I finished talking, my coworkers face went kind of dark and they became quiet. I am not sure if they realized where the thought came from or if they were just shocked and uncomfortable, but it was a reminder that not everyone expects life to be dark all the time.Sorry for the rant. I do not have anyone to talk to anymore. The realization is difficult for me",Depression +18168,And why?Who here has molina and likes their care? I have kaiser and want to switch because its not enough. I need weekly therapy and for a long time. Any molina patients are welcome to offer any feedback thanks Kaiser vs. Molina: who offers better Psychiatric care?,Depression +18169,"If you are international student studying abroad, please do not go back to your country. Trust me. you will be suffering as much as I do. Ex international student here. Been passively suicidal all the time ever since returned home.",Suicidal +18170,"For a long time now, I have resisted structure and rebelled against any internal voice that tries to coax me to become disciplined.Its like I am fighting myself. I am pretty spontaneous, and I like organic stuff, but this hatred towards anything that resembles a plan or a schedule is ridiculous.I have to get my shit together. I hate structure",Depression +18171,"Not sure if I am allowed to share the link here but it is called 'How to recover from depression' on youtube. It contains a very thorough and well-reasoned perspective on depression, its multitude of causal factors, the effects, the need for a unique treatment plan (not just meds / talking / exercise) that is based on the causes of your individual depression. it is made me feel slightly more in control, slightly less prone to believing my negative thought castles, and slightly more hopeful. Overall I feel significantly less depressed right now, after over a week of full on black dog mode. Highly recommend giving it a look. Watched a video that lifted me up for the first time in days",Depression +18172,it feels like I am going nowhere. where am I going?,Suicidal +18173,"If I cannot be the best of the best, I do not want it. No matter what, there is always somebody better than me at what I do, so why even try?",Suicidal +18174,"I have suffered from anhedonia for as long as i can remember, and the trick i found most helpful to deal with this is to really force yourself to do stuff you do not want, i know this sounds crazy but trust me it works, ever wanted to read that book, but never got the courage to do so? Just go ahead, force yourself to get out of this position, because trust me no one deserves to be stuck not doing stuff you enjoy due to anhedonia.Well that is it, i wanted to do something helpful today, i hope this tip helps out someone in need, because everyone deserves to enjoy stuff in life. Advice on how to deal with anhedonia from a depressive person to another",Depression +18175,"I have lost 4 stone in weight (I think in American conversion that is about 100/200 IBs), but my arms and quads are huge still. I have alot more muscle than fat now thankfully, but I look at smaller frames women and wish I had the same body as them - petite and cute. It does not help that I am 5ft 7inch either. I look almost amazonian. Some days I am ok with it, other days I am not. I have been told I am cute but I just do not feel very feminine and it gets me down sometimes, especially with body dysmorphia. Lost lots of weight, but still very insecure about my body because I am not ""petite skinny"". Instead I am muscular and not feeling very feminine.",Depression +18176,I do not want to really i do not I am about to cut myself,Suicidal +18177,"Life is like hell, i want to die by any mean.No one wants me, and i have nothing to live for.Is there any way i can kill myself with it with 0% failure rate? Look like i live in hell and i cannot get out it",Suicidal +18178,I find it easier to work on myself while single because when I am with someone I am always so focused on them and not me. Its way too distracting. I also find myself wanting to ditch all my self improvement activities to be with them.What about you? Do you find it easier to work on yourself while in a relationship or while single? Why?,Depression +18179,"This is mostly just a general vent. I feel like I have exhausted everything there is to be done. Medication, Therapy, Electroconvulsive Therapy. I have done it all. Nothing works. Not even for a while. Every single day is just the same, it is all a blur of pain.I am tired and exhausted of feeling all these feelings. I cannot even remember the last time I felt remotely okay, leave aside happy. I have been homebound and non-functional for 2 years now. I have gone from excelling at everything all the time to being stuck in final year of med school for the last 2 years because of such bad anxiety and burnout that I cannot read a single word or even show up for an exam, no matter how hard I try. I do not really have many friends, and I feel like even my family is done with me at this point, they are disappointed in my inability to get better and frankly I do not blame them. I cannot even believe sometimes that it is humanly possible to feel this level of mental pain. I tried to overdose once. It did not work. I am really, really contemplating buying a Carbon Monoxide or Helium tank off the internet and bagging myself. I am so done.",Depression +18180,Like everything sucks. How can they not see that? I just do not understand how ANYONE can actually be happy.,Depression +18181,"Hey guys, I am Pandora, I am 23 and oh-boy do I want to fuckin die I have been in constant competition with my siblings from the get go and no matter what I have done or try to do, I am never getting any closer to getting any affection When I did speak up about how miserable I was when I was 17, because I was being bullied almost non-stop and had no friends my parents made fun of me for not being ""tough enough"" to make it in the world.Still did my best to please them for some reason, so studied to become an architect and I was doing really well! But I hate it! I cannot stand any of it, I hate the programs, I hate the specifications, I hate all my designs, I hate working in the industry! and now I have wasted 5 years of my life doing it Passions are practically gone, along with any interests! The only thing I can do to get any amount of self-satisfaction is to let others degrade me, which is pretty fucked up! I really just wished I did have some courage so I could kill myself, not to ""show my parents"" because it will just prove them right. but because there is no point, I have nothing apart from stupid attempts to make others proud! So anyways, that is the news; I am not going to do it because I am a coward, probably but feels good to vent Why keep living?",Depression +18182,"I have no idea who I am anymore. My life feels like a facade, I used to think money would be the source of my happiness. After reaching my financial goals I feel more lost than ever. Any tips to find my true self again? I feel so lost",Depression +18183,"I have never had the best life, I have been through mental and sexual abuse when I was younger, including watching my mum raped and abused by my step dadWe ran away together to another place and I sometimes go back to visit my dad, struggling to be their around a step mum and her family shaming my mum and me and commenting constantly, including laughing at me while I ate. They also treat me like a child, including taking my phone at 9. I got used to it, although I believed them,I thought I was finally loosing weight although it is not always obvious due to my larger chest, I have been really happy, fitting into clothes I wanted now, to weigh myself and to realise I have somehow put on weight. I am now over 12 stone. I really felt like i was getting skinnier, I have to go to see my dads this summer and they often get me to weigh myself in front of them. I do not want them to laugh at me. I want to go down to see family that do not treat me that way, who I constant worry about them passing before they see me start a family. I cannot catch a break",Suicidal +18184,it is literally killing me. Eating and sleeping is getting harder because I keep having thoughts that I do not matter. I am suffering and no one is there. I just wish I had someone who cared. Struggling alone is torture.,Depression +18185,I do not know but I am also certain at the same time I feel lost I fear that my life will be going down hill but I also do not care as much as I did. I do not know why I wrote here I am very confused I am becoming more numb every day the only reason I have not done it is because I believe there might be a happy ending (after death) but sometimes I just ignore that thought and I dread almost everything Depressed... Maybe?,Suicidal +18186,"initial notes to myself:- prepare finances- prepare suicide letters- throwaway crap so no one else has to deal with it yep, pretty tired of existing",Suicidal +18187,"Since I was a small child I have always hated myself, the way I look, the way I talk and most importantly, the way I am. I have come to terms with the way that I look over the years but as a person I am still disgusting.I am used to a lil sadness but these two years have been brutal, and I feel I am getting worse.Last year I had an eating disorder (its been on an off since i was 12, I am 22 btw) n that was my only motivation day to day, to see how much i can lose. Now i do not even have that.I have a partner that loves me (at least that is what they say) but I see no point in my existence, I do not want them to deal with my problems, I try to be the best girlfriend I can but I feel like a burden, no one wants to be around someone so gloomy all the time.I want to die but I feel that would be selfish to the people that know me and for the poor bastard that has to find my dead body. Even thought, everybody that knows me, knows how miserable I am, so it would come to no surprise. (they do not really say anything about it, but what would they say ? I have always been like this.) (also, who cares.)I do not really feel like there is a solution to my problem, I just wanted to scream into the void, thanks. I have been very depressed for the past two years, i have no goals or aspirations anymore.",Suicidal +18188,"Dear all,I am so tired from the past years. A lot has happened and after graduation I cannot seem to build an adult life. In the city where I live housing is crazy expensive and in contrast to my friends I come from a poor family with quite some problems. When those problems flared up during my studies they influenced my grades. Which now influences my chances at getting a decent job which of course influences the fact I cannot rent an apartment, let alone buy one.At this moment I am living with a few flatmates to save costs, but I am almost thirty and really want to have my own place sometime. The difference between me and all of my friends is making me depressed. Especially since I got good grades and did loads of side activities in the periods the family problems were more to the background. It just feels unfair, but that is probably life...Any advice on how to cope with this situation? Do I need to make practical changes or is it more of a mindset thing? Like I try my best with coaches and looking for new jobs. But in the meantime I feel miserable and tired. cannot build a life as a near 30 year old.",Depression +18189,As the title says: I am looking for a job and the jobs that provide some semblance of a work life balance and are actually in my field do not care. Sales and manager jobs are there but they expect you to pretty much give up your entire life and that makes me feel suicidal and unhappy. Help! Overwhelmed and Depressed Over Job Market,Depression +18190,I have health issues it is likely cancer I also severe mental health issues I cannot take this anymore what does everyone think happens when we die ? Do we just cease to exist? I am agnostic and do not know my head from arse at present this world is a very cruel place for some of us lost souls I am sorry we are all suffering so much Do we just die and that is it,Suicidal +18191,Last time I did it I vomited. The wine is very warm which probably will make me throw up again. The flat I rented to kill myself is so shitty it has no fridge even (I did not know some flats do not have fridges). I am scared of throwing up again and not dying. If only I will not vomit again while taking pills and wine then this all would be over,Suicidal +18192,"Dear ***,I am writing to you because I had a similar experience to yours in Marchof this year,when I tried to end my own life. I am your Grandmother's brother and Imet youseveral times when you were much younger, although you probably won'tremember.First of all, I apologise for writing to you in English, but Iunderstand that your knowledge of my mother tongue is far superior to myknowledge of French.I attempted to take my own life with an overdose of Codeine andParacetamol but obviously my attempt failed and I spent eight days inhospital whilst they tried to rectify the damage I had done to my liverwith the Paracetamol. Thankfully they were successful, as I understandyour doctors were also successful in mitigating the damage you had doneto your own liver, which is wonderful, wonderful news.So we are both now living what I call our 'bonus lives'. I do not knowwhether you believe in a 'Creator' or the notion of a 'Guardian Angel',but because I can find no rational explanation as to why I am stillhere, I do. I am not religious but my own journey through life has ledme to believe that God, or the Creator, stands for everything that isgood in our world, following the example of the Universe in whicheverything has an opposite; good/bad, night/day, alive/dead,positive/negative etc. So I try to concentrate on everything that isgood and to reject everything that is bad, and I believe that most of usintrinsically know the difference. You may not believe in 'God', but I'msure you believe in 'Good'.I understand why people decide they have had enough of this world andjust want peace from the pain and uncertainty and misery, because Imyself felt that way. I had run out of money and my health is poor. Ialso did not want to be dependent on others for my existence - I havealways been independent and I never much cared what other people feltabout me. I do not know your exact circumstances or what led you to tryto take your own life, but I do know that I felt the same way, a senseof hopelessness. I was tired and wanted it all to end. But just as foryou, my life did not end and I took that as a sign that my life was notmeant to end. Even the doctors were very surprised that I survived. ButI did survive and in spite of my own problems (and we all have problemsto deal with) I am now happy to let God/life/fate determine my departurefrom this world and for as long as my life lasts I will try my best tolive every day to the fullest. Some days I am so exhausted that I canhardly get out of bed, but I do because I cannot predict what willhappen in the future and maybe, just maybe, I will feel better as theday progresses. And if not today, then tomorrow might be a better day.None of us knows what will happen in the future and the only advice Ican give you is that we can choose ourselves whether to embrace anoptimistic perspective or a pessimistic perspective. As there is nothingto be gained from negativity it makes sense to be positive, even if thatmeans we will be disappointed on occasions. And just as negativethoughts can drag us further into the darkness, positive thoughts canhelp us find the light.I think one of the biggest lessons I learned from my own experience isthat I have a family and they care about me, just as you have a familyand they care about you, me included. However dark and black the dayappears when you wake up, you cannot know that the sun will not shinethrough later in the day. Unlike me, you have your whole life ahead ofyou and from what your Grandmother has told me, you have a great deal tolook forward to, especially being as intelligent as you are. Life ishard for everyone, but it is even harder if you are stupid and you aremost definitely not stupid, so already you have something to be thankfulfor.So if you find that your own life is headed in a direction you are nothappy with and you feel there is nothing to look forward to, lean onyour family for support. No one is judging you, we only want to help inany way we can. Sharing problems with others is very important becauseit enables us to obtain a different perspective on what is troubling us,one that we may not have considered when we tried to confront theproblem ourselves. Knowing that there are people who really care for youis a source of great strength and you have an extended family who allcare about you and are there for you whatever the obstacles you face.You are not alone *** and there is no reason for you to face the worldall by yourself and try to make sense of it all. I am sixty-six years oldand I still cannot make sense of a lot of what goes on in the world, butit's the only world we have so we just have to try to live it as best wecan. Even though I have my own problems, I have now shared them withothers and as a result, solutions have been found for most of them. Ididn't imagine that could ever have been possible whilst I kept thoseproblems to myself, but once I shared them it became very much easier todeal with them and overcome them.I am sharing my experience with you in the hope that it might help youin some way to overcome your own difficulties. You are not alone andthere are more people than you might imagine who love you and who careabout you and who want you to be happy. I wish you a swift and completerecovery from your ordeal and if ever you want a shoulder to lean on orsomeone to just listen to what you have to say, I would be delighted tohear from you. This message, was sent to my sister who tried to kill herself, from my dad's uncle who has seen her a very few times a long time ago. It is important to me.",Suicidal +18193,i wish i could stay that way i thought i was happy a week ago,Suicidal +18194,"27. female. asian. still live at home with parents. jobless. never had a relationship. no longer have friends, irl or online. the only people i hang out with are family.my days are spent cooped up in my room on my pc, playing video games, watching anime, or reading random things.I am short and a little fat. my diet is shit and my posture is poor.do not smoke, drink, or do any drugs. ig I am what you could call boring.i have bad social anxiety and I am going to poor social skills.zero confidence in myself.I have only ever had 2 jobs in my life, neither that lasted more than 3 months (warehouse jobs). my last job was in 2018. idek how to do taxes.I am interested in electronics and working/tinkering with my hands but my parents wanted to me to go into nursing/medical school so bad. for them. not for me. i had no choice but to comply.eventually dropped out of college in 2017 bc of money and failing grades (math and public speaking especially).scared to go back to school because i feel like its too late and I am getting too old to start over. i was a bio major, changed to nursing, then computer engineering and eventually dropped out. i also think I am just too dumb to return to school...it was only until recently that i realized i never had a positive female figure in life growing up. the boys in my family, extended and immediate, were always treated better. my mom was not quite a tiger parent, but she was never supportive or encouraging of anything i was interested in.been compared to other people by my mother for as long as i can remember. i failed my parents by not living up to their expectations and this is one of the things that kill me the most.want to find a job but at the same time, I am terrified. outside of the current pandemic and the rise of the delta variant, the thought of talking to people gives me anxiety and also i just feel like I am not qualified for anything bc of no/barely any work experience no matter the job.i stay at home almost 24/7. i have no actual talents or skills. sure i have hobbies, but i do not delve too deep into them bc money is always an issue.no longer under my parents' insurance so i have no access to medical care. i want so badly to get professionally diagnosed and treated for my anxiety and depression and whatever else i may have.besides attempting to drink more water, taking necessary vitamins, and watching what i eat, i do not really know where to start to turn my life around.i can only clean my room so many times...I am honestly surprised i have not killed myself yet but the option is always on the table.i feel like there is no more hope for me and time is running out.i wish life had a reset button. i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel so bad...",Depression +18195,so once i have the means to its out for me I have decided how i want to do it :D,Suicidal +18196,#NAME?,Depression +18197,They knew I bought suicide drugs. I thank them of course for not taking it away from me.Today we again had an argument and I left the house and took it all with me. I am sitting in the shittiest flat you can possibly imagine (no fridge even) and crying because none of them called me back. it is 22:06 and I rent the flat by 09:00. I must kill myself by the morning or I have no else to go and I will not come back. I have got exactly 0 money. I have left my house with my suicide drugs and nobody stopped me. it is night already and none of them care if I die. They do not want me back.,Suicidal +18198,"I do not know if people could understand me, but while people are busy with their life trying to reach their dreams, learning, improving and spend their time having friends and love ones. I was focus in trying to find ways to end my life I did not try to remember peoples names or to try to make a lot of friends, to study hard, to compete or to have fun with friends. I could not remember my teachers name, even the places I have been , the people I have met I did not bother to remember them because I was thinking that it would be useless because I wanted to die anyways.. and now that I am on my twenties and there are times when I feel better and wanted to go forward.. I cannot because i did not know how to live like a normal human being.. I feel like I did not know anything and wasted years in my life not learning about life.. and now that I wanted to live sometimes.. I cannot and I do not know how. I feel like an alien seeing other people and try mimicking how they do things even though I cannot fully understand..I am different because my sole purpose was to die while everyone else wants to live How to live",Depression +18199,"This is the lowest I have ever been in my life. My brother tried to commit suicide by overdoseagain. He lived. I have been struggling for two years. I got divorced after ten years and my ex got custodial parent. I was released from the military after ten years, due to an accidental chemical burn injury to the entire lower part of my body. I have not been able to work in two years. I received a diagnosis of sever dysplasia (precancerous cells in my overies) I have three operations to remove them. My hair fell out, and I struggle to keep my weight at 115. We cannot afford enough food for me and my kiddo, so I skip eating. I go to school full time online. The bills alone are enough to overwhelm me but the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders. When my brother called to tell me goodby, this time, he told me why he wanted to die.I told him to fight to push past the shit in his head. In honesty I felt every single reason. I understood why he wanted to die, bc I been struggling with the same feelings. I cannot shake it, bc nothing is getting better. I still have a year of school to push through, I been applying to every online jobs I can find and continue to get scammed, I cannot catch my breath. My bother almost died and for some reason all I can feel when I think about it is peace. That it would be easier to just let go. I.am.struggling. Overdose",Depression +18200,"I am sure at least some of you might have experienced this in the past or currently. I feel emotionally numb to the point where i feel like my family would be better off without me. As many of you have already expressed, i do not want to kill myself but would not mind at all being dead. Yes i have thought about maybe doing it myself before but currently I am not in that phase. I just started meds a little over a week ago so hopefully this gets better, but it is rough to be with your awesome family and feel nothing at all. Like i know i love them but cannot show it and when i try to show it i feel like it is looks forced. Does this go away with meds? Does it get better? Anything that helped you? Thank you in advance. Hope your day is a wonderful one. Emotionally Numb",Depression +18201,"I feel like I deserve to suffer. I fucking hate myself. All I remember are my mistakes. I do not seek out help because I belong in this hole. What the fuck is wrong with me that I cannot even take that first step? It does not feel like masochism, but what the fuck do I know. I just want it to end. How do I want help?",Suicidal +18202,Pleasekillme. Please. God. ImbeggingyouGodpleasereleaseme from my body Imreadytodietonight. I'llbebehindtheMichaelsArtsbuildinginSavannahGA,Suicidal +18203,"I am going to get pinned as being mentally unstable, and that is fine I will not be here for it. But it is still bullshit, because it is all pointless as fuck. we are just running in place, in pain, til we die. I cannot think of anything more rational than this. All bullshit",Suicidal +18204,"it is either I am rational or a pussy to do it on times I thought about it, I just needed to be 100% in my emotions. I would like to set up myself to a lot of shit at once. I know my own irrational thoughts like around 4 of them, thoughts that sends me to a breakdown all at once. Its going to be so toxic but i know that is all i got to do to do it. I have been strong I admit, but I have been strong too many times I am tired of the repetition. I need to bury my self-compassion somewhere else. I feel like I can only get to do it when I am on a spiral of breakdown",Suicidal +18205,Please people I am suffering so bad I do not want to be here anymore the drugs will not kill me I keep waking up whatvare the other options Why do I keep waking up,Suicidal +18206,"there is no way I can keep going for years just existing, and not able to achieve anything in life, and having no future whatsoever.I do not enjoy just existing, but I will never be able to work, never be able to have a partner, even friends, never be able to do what I like, just lying in bed most of the time due to my illnesses.Why is there no euthanasia for people like me? I mean what is the point? cannot take it anymore.",Depression +18207,"How selfish and a hypocrite can you be? If you do not have nothing encouraging to say to someone wanting toenditall, do not comment. Because you would not want no one doing that to you. This literally happened to me and i had to block this person because they keep bothering me and downvoting everything i post. How can you be insensitive to someone elsessuicideattempt if youalsorecently attemptedsuicide?",Depression +18208,"I do not even know i would not kill myself today or even die from covid. I have this weird way of approach to live week by week. I feel okay knowing there might be no next week. But then its mid year alreaady things came so fast.I never have a plan for being marry and have family one day or things like that ""next step"". Seems like i cannot do the delayed satisfaction from planning and working on something big I honestly do not expect to survive till this mid 2021",Suicidal +18209,"I do not know what to do. I do not want to live anymore, I am tired and I really want to finish with everything. But I am scared to die. I do not want to annoy my parents and friends with my die or something. They do not deserve it. Even though they are not the best persons on Earth, they do not deserve it. They do not deserve suffer because I am a stupid brat who has lose her will to life years ago. I just need a break of everything. I cannot even cut myself without my parents noticing it and that is why I really try to not do it. I cannot anymore, I cannot. I need a break of everything and everyone. I just want to take all my pills and eat them without hesitation. I do not know, I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to be dead, I just want to not be here. I cannot even talk to my psychologist because he is on his holidays. I do not know if I can handle it anymore, I do not think so. I do not want to be a burden to anyone, I do not want to feel, I do not want to breathe, I do not want to be alive, I do not want to do anything at all. The things that I used to enjoy, the hobbys that I used to love, they do not exist anymore. I do not enjoy them anymore, I am not able to. I feel lonely, I feel lonely and misunderstand. I feel that I am giving to much but I am not reciving anything, I think I am the only stupid trying. The loneliness I feel is not something that anyone can make disappear. The loneliness I feel, my loneliness... is with me no matter where I go ot with who I am. she is always there. I am really tired, I am pretty bored. And my non-existing will to life is killing me slowly. I just want to kill myself and do not think on what could happen then. it would be amazing if I were able to do it. Stupid thoughts of a stupid brat.",Suicidal +18210,"Ill do my best to keep this concise, but I think context is important. I am 24, and I lost my way big time.I moved back home 8 months ago, working a remote job that pays really decent money for the country I live in. Its an uninspiring job, but its fine. I do not love or hate it. I also found my passion a year and a half ago writing. It consumed me. Every bit of spare energy I have goes into it, and a lot of time. But there is big missing piece. I want to start my own family, meet someone nice and settle down. Thing is, after a 5-year relationship that started in highschool, I spent the last 3 years single, which makes for a total of 8 years since I have been on a first date. I have no idea how that works now, but I had my writing excuse. My bubble.I told myself everything can wait until I am published. Writing comes first. And for a long time, I was happy with that, and hopeful. It does not work because you are not trying, duh.Something changed a few weeks back. I realised that was an excuse more than anything, and, when the opportunity arose, I tried to flirt. Be nice, hang out. Still have no idea how this works and my confidence was at an all time low going into this, so I am not surprised I failed. But here is the kicker. After a long introspection, I realised that, for the last few years, I have been feeling inadequate. Despite having a good job, passions, and being in pretty decent shape, my life is off the script.After uni, I have finally been free to make my own choices real choices. So there is no road map, and there is no way to feel adequate when there is no rules that define it. I tried seeing this in a positive light, but all I get is more dread and fear of something. I am on a downward spiral. I have been to bad mental places before, and I can feel it coming. That choking sensation when I go to bed. The random things that make you want to cry for no apparent reason. The mental exhaustion. I am not great, headed for the bottom of the pit.there is a question in there somewhere. I do not know what it is, but I hope you have some kind of answer. If you made it this far, thank you! My bubble of ignorant hope burst",Depression +18211,"It has been a few years since she broke up with me. And I love my new girlfriend, but it is a very different kind of love. Our relationship was short, not very deep, but the memories I had from it are perceived as the best memories I had in life. When I think about it, all pictures look so bright and colorful in my head, all accompanied with a feeling of pure joy. Every single moment I remember of is good with the exception of the day she broke up and the days following it. Sex was also incredible, even though I had several partners after her I was still unable to feel as good. I feel like this feeling is in the back of my head for a few years and dragging me down, overall decreasing my well-being.Can anyone give me advice that actual works, and not those that in theory should work? Any first hand experience with fixing this in your life? If I feel like this does it mean I should leave my current girlfriend? What if I want to commit with her for the long run, is it not ideal? Can anyone offer advice that works on how to overcome a person? I have zero to few friends, thus I am asking you, thank you!",Depression +18212,"Dunno what to say, actually.I was doing quite good for a while and like really thought, that I overcame the worst part. Guess, I was wrong? Or maybe I kind of jinxed it. Orrr I just do not really deserve to be happy. Who knows.Now everything is worse than before and heck, if my cat would not be here, I think I would be over for me. Multiple of my friends - since months now - have been ranting to me how horrible their life and how shitty everything is. Which has been fine, everyone needs someone, right? And I am happy they come to me! It means they trust me and I really value that.But...why does nobody ever ask how I am doing? And even if they do, and I honestly answer, why is that, the conversation and ranting just carries on like I had said ""I am fine."" The same with my parents. Nowadays I cannot listen to these rants anymore, bc my head is about to explode. And I feel so bad about this. I feel so horrible for, I guess, complaining about this. People talk to me, I should be happy. Yet I feel lonely and question, if I just should drown myself in the bathtub. I am tired all the time, but cannot sleep at night. I oversleep daily. Not only failing my friends, but my boss and my coworkers too. My head says there is nothing left for me. I tried fixing myself. I changed my diet, did sports regularly and always went to my therapy-sessions. I even went ahead and agreed to anti-depressants. They promised, it would make me happy. So I must be faulty, right? Something must be wrong with me.Maybe I am beyond repair now? I was doing good for a while...not anymore.",Suicidal +18213,"Actually I do not know where to post. Please remove it if irrelevant. Hey guys I would like ask for yours supports How should I view myself? Currently I am panicking for ageing, reaching my late 20. Society (universal or just Asian?) seems to be harsh on women after 20s, with lots of expectations and judgements. Comparing myself to the post-00 kids, it seems that there is obvious difference. No offence to women out there. Anyone at any age should be valued and respected. Its just that my confidence is often attacked by these internal judgements. Besides, my life have been idle for nearly two years because of depression and social anxiety. And it feels like I have not achieved anything I should. Is there no hope in life? Feels like wasting my life, but scared of ageing",Depression +18214,"What, so you can flex on me again?Every year we get invited to my nephews birthday party. There is cake, we drink and we have dinner together with all of the family. It is a nice occasion.It really is, until they bring that cursed book out. Every year we get a book pushed into our hands. A photo book of their holiday adventure. ""Look we climbed this huge mountain"", ""We swam with dolphins in the ocean this year"" and ""It was really hot when we visited the rainforest on this tropical island"". And every year I am just thinking the same. Good for you, I spend my holiday playing video games because my parents simply do not have the money to travel anywhere.Now they have a whole collection of photo books. It must be great growing old and seeing how happy you were during your childhood.So no, I am not coming to your fking birthday party. I am too busy surviving. want to come to our birthday party?",Depression +18215,"I am someone living in Turkey. My age is probably lower than yours . I am here posting this, so may be someone can help me decide to do something. Forgive my grammar mistakes.Something happened today and let me begin explain stuff. I am not good at explaining things, forgive me.I was that toxic, ugly, awkward kid you most hate in middle school. I could not talk with people before that time then I got the courage to be myself for some reason when I was 13, then I became the most toxic person you would see. Problem is, my actions are stupid. I really do not know what I am doing. I act like a 2 year old child. My selfish feelings was at its peak, I always acted like my body is not there, sure they can hear me but they could not see my weird actions. People see me as a weirdo, they hate me and I did not care like that is their fault. Then when I reached 15, something happened. Like I realized everything. My stupid talk, actions, trying to be funny stuff etc. I never had a best friend until that age. I met someone. She liked me and I loved her. I was still acting stupid and weird. But I was going down. Then that day when my parents made me lock myself in some room, hurt myself and cry like a baby. again. My dad was kicking the door and yelling me open the door. It was happening since i was a child. It was because i did not wanted to go out. I was so anxious that someone see me and recognize from school. I was going outside with a jacket even in summer. Then my mother picked the lock and they saw me trying to peel my face off with my nails lol. Days later we went a psychiatrist and he told my parents that i was afraid of people seeing my richard in my pants. We took another psychiatrist. Paid so well and went outside of the city for that. Diagnosed me with depression and social anxiety. I was on some medicine from that time. He asked me if sometimes i wish to be dead. I said sometimes. He wanted some tests, brain scan, blood etc. I could not give blood because I am scared of needles. And it is not like ""oh that is going to hurt"", its more like ""i can cut my arm open with a chainsaw if you want, just do not put that needle on my skin"". I grew with needles as a child. He said all the tests are ok and told me my parents that I am psychotic or something. A month later my depression was pretty much gone. But in that month, i tried to suicide 2 times. And it all went wrong. These were my first times I hurt my first ""best friend"". I had no friends but her. Then I apologized so much for thinking about suicide etc. that is the moment where Walter became Heisenberg. I was so toxic smallest problem would grow up like a huge rock and I was thinking about suicide and crying. I gave up meds, every week i was taking handful of ssris trying to die in sleep. It did nothing except destroying my stomach and sleep. I was talking so negative BUT selfish with her. She were trying to support me and she were crying with me sometimes. And I started to use it to feed my ego. Everytime i got sad, I cried like a baby and she hug me in whatsapp. I became so toxic, everytime she say how are you, i was saying i want to die. It took months but she finally had enough. She were saying ok go ahead and do what you want. I always felt as I love her so much but she is seeing me just like anyone else. Even she says opposite. I was afraid of asking that if she care about me sometimes and from that days i went into full time job asking her if she still care about me 12 hours. Of course she started to ignore me. And i was aware of it. It went even worse, i was being hostile if she says yes instead ""yess"". Hours later i find myself apologizing to the rest of the day. This took months. My family finally knew i had a friend. They of course, do not like me having friends like they did when i was a kid. They were like ok but anytime they see me talk with her, they were saying that ""friendships end after sometime, its nothing important in your life, go study"". Oh also i never gave a sht about school since 8th grade. I was afraid of being seen, closed my instagram, snapchat (yeah ugly people use it too) and removed people in whatsapp. I was ignoring my meds and my social anxiety was still there. I think it is genetic, since my father has the same issue and my little brother, when I go out, my body starts to shake, my eyes could not find a spot to look at and i sweat a lot. When i try to talk i did not know what to say, my voice never go loud enough. This is another problem. If i cannot go out, i will not find a job, i cannot go to school, i cannot have fun outside being social as a teen etc. This is the point where I am now at my 90's waiting for god to end my life. My life is just stopped. I am lying at the bed in home all day. And parents yell at me all time for it but who cares. People do not like me when I am outside, they would laugh me, follow me i was even afraid of someone would go hurt me outside. I was closing every window at home so no one would see me. Still, we were friends. My only fun times, talking her, calling someone for first time, playing games, laughing, talking about other people, having fun.. but oh, gray ticks. And she is online. Oh yeah, she never loved me, I am nothing for her. Why not go shot myself in the head right. This went for a loong time. I could not stop myself acting that toxic. Its like, everything makes sense at that moment. You been lied. She is just making fun of you. Hours later, i cry, apologize and the day is over. And maximum a week later, it happens again for some reason. She had enough. It was my last time doing it. I swore that i would never act like that again. And i never acted like that again. But i was still feeling it. I was trying to hold myself till it all becomes colorful again. Then we met. In real life. Went to their house, met their parents, went to the beach, took photos etc. It was my best day in my whole life. I am in love with her i think i must accept that. Oh btw we had an ig account for me, but we both use it. its still active. We post stories etc. We could not wait to do it again. But she has another friends. It was still hurting me to see her with her friends. I would ask if she ""love them more than me"" if it was a year ago, but i got over it. That hostility feeling was always there. But i tried to hold it. Sometimes i could not held and we fight again, eh.. i fight again, but we were good. Untillll... Today. it is special day or something next week, we was going to meet again in hers. The day started all good. She were online, not answering. I did not said anything about it, then she said ""sorry, i was texting in group, did not saw your message"" i said its ok. We talked, laughed and while we talk, my brain is like ""oh she were talking to another friend, she does not like you, you think she is having fun talking with you? after everything you have done?"" she was having fun talking me sometimes. Only sometimes. I could not hold it and said; ""if you were talking with someone else you can tell me, no need to hide its ok, those days are over."" She said that she is not lying, but i could not believe it. I had no ability to let myself think about it for a moment, and i were saying ""no need to hide"" etc. She went offline for 2 hours, i cried cried and she finally replied. She said that she would forgive me if i shut up. I said ok but at least tell me are we completely fine? She said .. My pain was at its peak. I told her at least tell me are we going to be fine again, i feel so bad etc. She said ""no, i do not care about you, real friend would not let me hurt, fill me with complete negativity everyday, i do not love you anymore, you hurt me and i still talk with you. just shut up we cannot be fine anymore."".. I paralyzed for a moment and asked her give me one last chance, and i will change, i will not hurt her anymore. She said ok, and now we are fine i guess. Umm, people, I am not going to change. I am toxic af, i do not deserve to be alive, or live life like others. I mean it, its nothing like ""oh help me help me, should i die, yes yes i die please make me not die"".I have one last chance. I have 2 options. First one is.. Suicide. I would never ever hurt her again, i would not worry about my bad look, my future, my past, people etc.... But my family would hurt along with her. She would not feel that much i think but still my family would fell down with my death. Actually, only my mother and brother would. But they did not like the way i go. And if i cannot change myself, i will already kill myself at somepoint. They know that. Second option is risking it. Trying to change. I cannot meditate to change my personality and focus in my breathing. it is like faking it. It does not feel well. I cannot take therapy as i hate doctors as they just put me on a different ssri and anti psychotic. also do not have money for that. No, i just do not want to take therapy, it feels wrong. Feels like it will not help. I feel like i cannot change.Any options other than suicide you see? Any suggestions? I do not know i just wanted to explain things. Please do not tell me stop talking with her, i cannot. I love her more than anything. I am sorry I am being such a toxic asshole but i could even leave my family for her. Except sometimes. Sometimes i hurt her and myself with my feelings. But i still cannot give up of her. I love her more than anything, and i want she if not the same, just love me like she do others. But sometimes my brain says she never loved me.I am not feeling much atm, I just wish i was never born. Please say something, i like to talk. I do not know, convince me to suicide if its ok here, or do the opposite with the reasons. Tell me I am the most toxic asshole you ever heard of. I do not want to leave my mother with pain, but i do not want to risk it. How can i change? Just, yeah. Please help me. I am a horrible person.I wrote too long, apologizes. I do not want to check what i wrote second time because I am too lazy, and it does not matter anymore. I cannot give a fck if i look awkward somewhere in the text. I am already a horrible person. What would it change..Thank you. -Some Baby Acting Toxic Ugly Asshole. Hello people.",Suicidal +18216,"I know why everyone hates me now,I am a fucking dumb piece of shit.I decided to attempt in some bushes near a park,with the noose hanging low.I am a coward so I tried to make myself pass out by some breathing trick I saw once,and guess who passed out for just a second,struggled to breathe for a bit and then screamed because they were so disoriented while pulling themselves up,hyperventilate for a bit and then chickended out and called their friend.I am a fucking disappointment I just attempted in the most stupid way possible",Suicidal +18217,I currently hate my job and just looking for a new job I cannot see myself being interested in anything. I feel like my depression makes everything seem out of my range of ability. Fml... Do you work and if yes what do you do?,Depression +18218,"I am in my mid twenties and ever since I am 13, my biggest dream was to have my own family one day. To find a great husband, get pregnant and have kids, be housewife for a while and raise the kids with all my love.I come from an abusive household (still am in there, long story) and never experienced a real family, I literally start crying whenever I see or hear other people talk about theirs. I am so miserableToday at work the realisation that I will die lonely dawned upon me. It feels like I am cursed just like my depressed sibling who is in their early thirties and also has the same faith like me.I am doing great at school and work but I do not care at all for this stuff. I do not want to become 30 or 40 years old with a great job, Id rather have the family life that I now realise I will never have. I am not asking for any advice or good words, I just needed to get this out and see if someone else feels like me even though I do not want to live, never wanted to, I am not going to kill myself and just suffer and be miserable every day. I am going to stop doing my makeup or skincare or dress well and just exist I do not want to live anymore after realizing Ill never have my own family",Depression +18219,"I want to first apologize if this post seems all over the place. there is so much to say, but Ill try to sum up what is been going on. I am a 20 year old female. For a long time, I have felt that suicide was inevitable for me. Growing up I was bullied and ostracized. Even as young as 9 years old, I felt that things would be better had I not been born. My mother was physically abusive and is still emotionally abusive. Phrases like fuck you and go to hell still stick out in my mind from recent years. Recently, she said to me during an argument that I make her life difficult and that I never think about how she feels dealing with a suicidal daughter. In my later high school years, I thought I had found the friend I had always wanted, only for her to gaslight and guilt trip me during another time I felt like ending my life. Only a month and a half ago, one of my best friends blocked me and another friend in our group over a petty disagreement and still continues to ignore us both. As for seeking help, I have been going to therapy for three years and I feel like I am only getting worse. I just do not know what to do. I look in the mirror and do not even recognize myself anymore. I had so many goals when I was a kid. I wanted to sing, to be a rockstar. I wanted to make my dreams come true, find love, be successful. I was the type of person to go out of my way to do something just because someone said I could not do it. My choir teacher told me Id be better off as an artist, painting and drawing. I went and sang the solo for my senior year concert. I was going to work towards being a freelance model, and started working with some friends who were photographers. I did not think I would ever truly give up on myself.Now all I do is spend my days in bed, browsing endless feeds, wasting hours away with video games. I have never been in a relationship, and have turned down men all because I fear Ill mess something up or do something embarrassing. My social anxiety has gotten so severe that I am afraid to even walk outside my own backyard for fear of people seeing me. Even though I am introverted, I have always loved spending time with my friends. Now I do not even have the energy to go out anymore, and I miss them all dearly. There are so many things that scare me in life, and as much as I want out, I am afraid of the pain that comes with death. At least once every two weeks or so, I spend time looking for suicide methods. And every time I feel like Ill never find an easy, painless way out. And if I were to survive, the consequences of whichever method I chose scare me even more. I want to reach out to friends but I do not want to worry them or put this burden on their shoulders. I feel stuck. I am too afraid to live and too afraid to die. I Feel Like Suicide Is Inevitable For Me",Suicidal +18220,Ineededthat. Allthemoreammothatwillhelpmekillmyself. OnewayoranotherIwillleavethisbody Someonejustcalledmeanigger.,Depression +18221,"Hi I cannot sleep until 7 am in the morning and wake up at 4 or 5 pm every day.No matter what I try I cannot change it.Other than that I am a messy person and every time I try do clean my room, after one weel its messy again.I am 25 years old and go to night school right now.I do not have a job, live with my parents and live off welfare.If you could help me somehow, I would be very grateful.Other than that suffer from intrusive thoughts and debilitating social anxiety.I feel sluggish and tired every day, no matter how much I have slept.Its extremely frustrating and life seems extremely hard. cannot get out of a my depression/ sleep rhythm disorder",Depression +18222,I recently made a post but I have not seen it. Is there a reason why they are not going through?? Is there a reason why my posts are not going through??,Depression +18223,"I hate having responsibilities,I just want to kill myself. Meh",Depression +18224,I tried to look online but I cannot get answers. How to commit suicide,Suicidal +18225,My feelings are easily hurt one small mishap can completely ruin my mood or my entire day I am just so overly sensitive and I overreact too much. I am always kind of sad and mopey but one small thing can turn that into absolute despair. It more so happens when I feel like I make a fool of myself like tripping in front of a bunch of people or being the butt of a joke. I am just really weak and some days I wonder why I am such a little bitch about everything Why am I such a crybaby?,Depression +18226,please no sympathy I am lost and suicide seems to be my answer to it all i would just like if there is an east way out. I am to scared to pull the trigger. is there a non painful way to die?,Suicidal +18227,"Not like I am doing much else anyway, I do not Hv any input, I do not leave my room Nvm domicile, I hv no future, no actual plan, no support structure and no family that can actually help... Did it to myself though, making fake ass friends n finding out they were too late... Worst part is, I actually think that as sad as ppl might be, they would be better off if I left but have nowhere to go... Life can be seriously harsh... Decided I am just going to not leave bed, skip meals and just waste away",Depression +18228,"One day when I was 15 in my dream I saw our house we were staying in when I was the ages of 3-8. After I woke up domething hit me, there was a boy my friends brother and I clearly remembered 3 scenes that I was assaulted. I think it happened when I was 4-6. The thing is when I told this to my father he said ""you are making up fake memories and lying because you want to play the victim."" I feel like it happened and maybe there are things that I cannot remember because it is weird how I can only remember 3 things. But is it possible that I made it up? When I was a child I knew a lot about sexual things a lot. And I was obsessively worried about child abuse, rape, molestation. I was scared something could happen to my sis, me. I was scared of getting close to any man any where. Did I made it up? Am I really trying to play the victim? I do not know. It is a memory how can I be sure it is real or not. How do I know my trauma is real?",Depression +18229,"I know this sounds bad, they are all great people but it absolutely infuriates me how I will never be interesting enough to be the one that they will talk to first. I am like a 6th choice in their eyes I feel so alone even when I am with them. My heart feels so empty I want to fucking die I hate this, I hate how I will never be good enough to be close to anyone or form any meaningful relationships. They do not even bother to add me to calls anymore, I hate my life, I hate how I will never be enough for anything. I feel like an observer on everyone else's interesting and complex lives, a spectator. No one watches games for the spectators they add very little value I am better off fucking dead. I should have offed myself last week like I planned to I am sick of my friends, I am sick of me.",Suicidal +18230,"I am Male 15. it is just that idk what to do. I do not feel like I have a aim in life. On top of that my parents scold me a lot... A lot, they disapprove of almost all my hobbies and friends. They also force religion on me( I will not call them bad parents tho... They do this coz they think it helps me) I used to be very cheerful, but now I feel myself getting sadder everyday...if anyone of you guys have experienced the same I could use some advice or help:) Hi, I think I am falling under depression",Depression +18231,"My depression is very much a series of highs and lows, but there are some points where I lose any and all motivation. Sometimes Ill neglect showering, brushing my teeth, or taking care of my skin. I also tend to abuse substances more, sleep 12+ hours, and binge on anything possible - then get even more sad I miss half the day and keep gaining weight. Being depressed is not my fault and I know that, however my inability to control myself and self destructive habits fall within my range of responsibility. Do you guys have any coping mechanisms or tips to start feeling semi myself again? I have been in this self pity hole for months and I know its time to make a change. Any tips on taking care of yourself during a depressive episode?",Depression +18232,"I have constant feeling of wanting to cry, but I am not sad.My eyes feel like they just finished crying, or feel like they are swollen.I want to be sad, but I do not feel sad. Instead I feel disappointed in myself.Why does this disease chose me? Why cannot I be normal? I want to cry but there is nothing to cry about.",Depression +18233,"I never had anyone to open up to, not until I met my girlfriend. Things were going great. The moment I get attached to someone, I start to slowly open up. I trust her. I share my traumas to her and I think it is now overwhelming her. By the time I open up about the people causing my trauma, she gets mad at how obnoxious these certain people are. I do admit that at times, I speak ill to these people. This is the time where I am infuriated and speak whatever that I have been locking up in my mind. Unconsciously, bottled up emotions then start to act up. I am a very distant person. Once I get attached to someone, its something else. The everyday person that everyone knew well is far from the way I act towards the person I am attached to. I have observed that she is starting to get overwhelmed about the problems I have gone and still going through. Despite talking about this and that, I can easily perceive her body language. She checks up on me and wants me to open up. she is the only person I could open up to. I remembered the moment where she told me she is THAT special for me to finally open up. She was giddy about this idea. I have reminded her that she should not fix me, but I do understand that as my very partner, there is a sense of responsibility to it despite the constant reassurance. I am doing my best to pretend to her that I am having great progress on being genuinely happy. Since then I started to keep silent about my personal conflicts; however, she could, at times, notice. Now here I am in reddit, venting out anonymously. It is my only escape. I can vent out, have temporary peace knowing there is such media platform with users I deeply relate to, be detracted from reality, and avoid putting much burden on my partner. This may sound stupid to some that I would sacrifice my own well-being and dignity to her, but if I had to be honest, I have never felt love being in love and being loved, for a long time. she is the best that has ever happened to me. I value her to my very core. Without her, I am certain that I would be dead right now. Losing her is my last straw. As long as I have reddit, a place to vent out, there will always be a number of people who will bring me to a whole sense of belonging. Hiding from my partner",Depression +18234,"there is a far larger picture that I might share sometime, but to break recent events down I lost my grandma back in May. She was my true best friend and the lost has not even fully caught up with me yet.Things just fell apart after her passing, I have always had a deep depression but this is different. I genuinely feel like I have given up, things would pile up in my room before but I cannot convince myself to clean up at all now. I find myself prone to short intense bursts of anger again, after I thought I was over it. But most distressing is how I am ruining what very few friendships I have left. Just 2 days ago I found myself being openly hostile towards someone I deeply care abt over something so dumb, it hurt them and it hurt me because I felt nothing in the moment. Its not who I thought I was, I am scared its too late to makeup for it because I have done so much damage already to everyone and thing I care about. Through that situation I learned that my friends created a group chat to discuss and possibly look for ways to help me.. I had no idea. I do not know how to process it, I should feel some since of joy knowing they had my back but.. I am more disgusted with myself than anything because Ik they saw and shared things I have said. I feel like I should just disappear from the world because I cannot fit in, I have tried for years but this keeps happening and I just ruined the one chance I thought I had at peace. I hate who I am becoming",Depression +18235,I am apos thatsleepsoutside behindtheMichaelsArtsandCraftsbuilding thatisslowlydeteriorating. Itriedcountlesstimestokillmyself butdidntwork.Imtoobroketodoittheeasy way. SoIgottogoaboutitthisway.Humiliatingtorturingway. Ibeenwantedtodiesince2010 Anyonewant to tauntmeandlaugh andyhrowthingsatmeandyouinSavannahGA?,Depression +18236,"Hello, my name is Scar (not real name). I am on mobile so please excuse my formatting. I am friends with 4 girls my age (we are in grade 7/ year 8). They are called A, known her since aged 7, B, known her since aged 7 and C and D have known since 2 years ago. I am pretty much the outsider of the group, its tough because A and B, as well as C and D have been friends for ages, I am talking years. Anyways this means I am often not told a lot about them as I am not the closest of friends with them. Today, I was hanging out with A, C and D (B was elsewhere) when they were starting to have a deep conversation. They started rating their emotions and they asked me what I was like. I said I am a 10, I am great and never really get sad. Then it was their go. They all said minus 10. Meaning they all self harm everywhere on their bodies and have attempted to kill themselves, severely depressed, do not want to even be on this earth anymore. Now I know that they have been upset for a while but did not know it was to this level. Then, they started comparing sh and PULLED OUT A RAZOR AND STARTED SH C. I was extremely uncomfortable and almost in tears. They then started to try and slit their wrists i front of me (thankfully the razor blade was dull so they did not do much damage) I was officially so uncomfortable and started weeping and ran out of there. They started discussing ways to kill themselces and laughed. I ran all the way home and cried so much. Thankfully, my parents are extremely supportive of me and comforted me, but I did not tell them why I was crying. I know that C has been raped by a girl (maybe sexually assaulted, idk the difference) when she was in year 4 and 6.) Eg fingered and penetrated. Same with B. Maybe that was the because of her pain. I know that they do not have good relationships with their parents so that is probably why they talk with A b c and d all of them together. I am only 13. I should not have to deal with this. I love them and do not want anything to happen to them. I need severe help. My 13 year old friends want to kill themselves.",Suicidal +18237,"Estoy aqu de nuevo, no se que hacer, ando pensando en suicidarme con frecuencia desde 2019, viv en otro pas con amigos pero all me sent tan mal que tuve que regresar a mi pas de origen. Vivo con mi familia a quienes no consigo hacer entender que mi idea de suicidarme es algo que me tomo en serio, ya lo dije varias veces y no toque ms el tema. ltimamente la frustracin conmigo mismo es demasiado, estuve medicado un tiempo pero ODIO con todo mi ser como esos frmacos me dejan en un estado letargico, otros no me hacen nada. Ac en mi pas, exactamente en la peque;a ciudad donde vivo no existen medios de atencin a casos como el mio, solo sanatorios y hospitales que no tratan casos como el mio, no tengo DINERO (parte de mis problemas) para costear un tratamiento.Estoy elaborando un plan para desaparecer, busque un puente/viaducto muy alto que varios cientos de metros debajo est lleno de malesa y creo no es posible que recuperen mi cuerpo.,No har notas ni videos de despedida, por el contrario estoy poco a poco des hacindome de fotos y elementos que me identifiquen, no tengo telfono, no hablo con amigos, no salgo de casa, borre ya hace muchos meses la mayora de fotos digitales y pienso destrur los lbumes familiares, documentos, y todo aquello que hable de mi paso por este mundo. estoy exactamente a un mes de cumplir mis 35 y la verdad no quiero pensar en que sern ms. La frustracin hace que mi ansiedad se haga insoportable, el paso del tiempo es un tormentoSi alguien tiene alguna sugerencia para desaparecer mi cuerpo y/o borrar rastros de mi muerte me gustara leerlos. Agradezco no aparezca gente con palabras amables que busquen reconfortar, eso me irrita mucho por que no consigo empatizar con esos mensajes y me hacen sentir an peor por no ser como los dems que se motivan. Suicidio (es)",Suicidal +18238,"I thought I can make it,i thought I can live but I was just lying to myself.I cannot leave the place that gave me suffering and pain.My anxiety is so bad that I feel like I am dying,my entire body gets numb,I cannot breath and my stomach hurts like somebody is stabbing me.For now the only thing keeping me alive is my dog,so when he dies I am going to do it.I know my family will be devastated but I cannot do this anymore,I am not happy all I ever feel is pain and how small and useless I am.I know nobody will understand,but I tried getting help,I am taking antidepressants and going on sessions but it never makes a difference.If there is God know that I am sorry for these words and my actions,I love you but I cannot do this anymore I am in pain and it is getting worse every day but a big part of me wishes you are not real,that there is nothing left after death,no consensus no existence no awerness.If anyone reads this you do not have to replay I just wanted this out of my sistem My anxiety cannot be cured",Suicidal +18239,I have seen enough of this unjust world and my thoughts are killing me everyday. I want to end it now. What is a better way to do it? I need answers pls I want to kms but idk how,Suicidal +18240,"idk if needed but I thought Id add it #TW: brief mention of suicidal thoughts This might be a little hectic and all over the place but I just need to vent a bit.. (also I am on mobile so sorry if it formats weird) I have a lot of things I need to work out but the biggest is my huge motivation issues. I know its a big problem but I just do not seem to care. It does not matter if its a huge task or something small, I have to force myself to do things all day, everyday and even then, I barely do anything. Example: I am not in a good financial situation, my bf is the only one working right now and its a bit stressful for him. We make do but it would just be a bit easier if we had more money. I physically and mentally cannot work, any job I have had, I have quit after a couple weeks. The longest I have held a job id say would be a month and a half. So, I have to open a bank account and then sign up for financial aid. I went to schedule an appointment and did, but the day of the appointment came and I was busy so I had to cancel. I never ended up rescheduling and its been about two weeks. I know I have to do it, but I do not know when I will. I know its straining my bf a bit, I mean, its not like were starving but we would like some extra $$ to go out sometimes or for extra things for the pets. My issue is, I really do not seem to care as much as I should. That sounds harsh, but I do not know any other way to put it if I had a choice, I would just sit in my bed watching YouTube while my life burns and crumbles around me. The only reason I cannot unalive myself is because I am basically the sole carer of the pets/plants (we just got a new kitten + are in the process of rehabilitating a baby sparrow) so I feel like it would be so overwhelming for my bf to deal with all them sorry that was kind of off topic. Why do I care about after I am gone more then when I am actually here??Do you guys hold yourself accountable to do things, and if so, how? The more I do not get things done, the more I think about how shitty I am and how I cannot just do stupid, simple tasks that any human aged 13+ would be able to do. Then I end up feeling even worse and cancelling my day to stay in bed and the cycle repeats. I heard about this program near me that is a 5 day stay for people with depression (almost like a detox-type situation). I have thought about going for months but 5 days is a long time and I watch my little brother every other week, every time I am having a meltdown I do not have time to go or I need to do other things. As I am typing that though, it feels like that is just another excuse I am making (and not even a good one either)I guess that is all I have for now if you got this far, THANK YOU. If you cannot help, hopefully something about this can help you Why cannot I do anything?",Depression +18241,"she is never happy with me, I am never good enough. I cannot help that the city I live in is filled with bike thieves, I made sure to lock her bike and everything, I could not help this yet she blames everything on me and says I have to go out searching for it which will take hours. I feel truly alone in this world ; ( My post is forgotten like usual. Its like everyone secretly agrees with her! My mother hates me and wants me dead ; (",Suicidal +18242,"Lost my home, my car, just about to finalize my divorce after seven years of marriage (they cheated on me with someone 16 years younger), my mother is fighting breast cancer for the last two years, my sister is fighting breast cancer for the last two years, my niece has an eating disorder, I quit my job early this year because my soon-to-be-ex said it was a good idea plus the job just started to suck big time, the stock market and crypto market are fucked, I will never be able to buy a home, I will never understand the potential I could offer the world - all of this is why being alive right now sucks so much and I do not know how I even get up each day. How can our world be setting itself on fire, in every thought possible, and the small group of people who have happiness continue to promote lie after lie about how good life is. Life fucking sucks. Things have been terrible since the late 90s and it are not getting any better. I am at the point where I would like to see the world self implode so we can at least all start at the ground level instead of living in some Elysium-style future where a small group of people continue to piss on all of us. I am done. I cannot stand most foods and treats, anything that was enjoyable or entertaining is shit. This is one of many years where I am questioning the point of all this. Politicians are crooked, rich people are raping the poor in every way imaginable, news is garbage on both sides, people are angry but do not know why - when the fuck is the other shoe going to fall? There is no way any of this gets better, it is only going to get worse. Much worse. let us not cherry coat this shitty world - we are in a Gilded-age and nothing good comes out of these eras. Wars will probably happen, more shortages will continue, much more suffering, pain and death is bound to come, but hey, a new fucking comic book movie is coming out! Who gives a flying fuck, they keep shoveling shit into your mouth and people keep on eating the massive pile of shit trying to feign a smile and say they enjoyed it. Stop lying to yourselves, this is a horrible time in life, people are transfixed by their phones and trying to find some enjoyable element to cling onto. We need a revolution like the world has never seen, a change in everything, in everyone. Instead, we will continue to fester with negativity, despair and hopelessness. Just had to get that out, these thoughts just permeate my daily thoughts and I am losing my goddamn mind. I am so lost. Not sure how to survive each day.",Depression +18243,"I am a disappointment to my parents, and even if i am not, i know i am going to be a burden for them in the future just so that i can exist.I am not going to have a ""good"" future due to how horrible my grades are.I have no social skills, and i do not see myself having them in the future.I am not healthy, i am overweight.I have no reason to live.I know it is never going to get better.Why should i continue to exist? I am nothing more than a burden in this world, and i doubt it would make a difference if one useless human is no more. Why should i continue to exist?",Suicidal +18244,"I have been having shitty weeks lately. Nothings going my way, I can never see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am just not happy anymore. The workload keeps piling up at work. Its just endless amounts of work and I cannot seem to catch up. Not only that, I have been wanting to hangout with one of my favorite coworkers but he keeps blowing me off. that is the one thing I liked to do and I just wanted to blow off steam and shoot the shit with him but he just keeps blowing me off and canceling on me. I have been asking like a week in advance to do something, he oks it, then suddenly he randomly invites someone else and they take over, basically ruining everything for me. Then this weekend is not good, how about next weekend? Next weekend comes and its still not good. Any shred of hope and happiness that I barely have gets taken away from me. Its not just hanging out with my coworker, its like I said, work. I get happy for a split second and I think I am almost at the top, then I get knocked down. I think I am going to blow off steam with my coworker and he keeps canceling on me. He probably never wants to hangout again but whatever. I do not care. Am I that awful/annoying to the point where he does not want to hangout anymore?? I considered him an older brother/mentor/best friend. Not so much anymore. My life has been so shitty lately that I got a slight injury last Saturday and did not start feeling better until yesterday. I could have gone to work but I just did not feel like it. That place depresses me and my coworker is not helping. I was already feeling down and I thought that maybe my coworker and I could hangout like we used to. I was really looking forward to it. Nothing was set in stone but it felt like this weekend would have been a good one. But I guessed wrong. I hate my life and and I just wish I could go away and never come back!! I know I have other friends and coworkers to hangout with but I have different relationships with different people, everybody does, so that is why its disappointing when someone you thought you were close to blows you off and is basically meh and cold towards you. I need a fucking vacation or something. I am just over feeling down and depressed. I hate it!! The one person that thought I clicked really well with is just been so off and distant with me. My life is just one big disappointment after another",Depression +18245,"I know this depends on many factors such as what kind of surface you land on, and how you land but what is the estimated minimum height you would be expected to die from if you fell? How high would you need to fall where it would likely result in death?",Depression +18246,"do you guys think that the root of depression is the constant loop of looking back at the past? the problem is that we are always looking at the negativities like disappointments and regrets that we tend to ignore the positive things that happened?many believe that life is a book and if you are still alive then you are not yet finished and many chapters are still waiting for you to experience...a lot of us were trapped in one of the chapters in our life that leaves us great impression emotionally that made us afraid to move on the next chapter. do you have a particular experience that leaves a great emotional impression on you that you always think of it everyday?since our thoughts were stuck in that particular chapter of our life, moving on is probably impossible to do even if we want because it always find its way to affect us everyday...there is a saying, ""the first step is always the hardest/most difficult"" but how can we take the first step if we do not know what that ""step"" is and where to find it? some says that it is ""acceptance"" but ""acceptance"" from whom? from others or from ourselves?looking back at our past is not a bad thing. we are not what we are today if not because of our past but we must not forget that past is past. though we cannot change the past, we can change our future by doing something in the present...i would like to know, what do you think is the root of your depression? looking back at the past",Depression +18247,I am 24(m) and i feel suicidal for 1 mounth. i felt same thoughts from 21 to 23. but somehow i got through. but right now I am worst than ever. i cannot tell about this my friends or my girlfriend that broke up with me 1 week ago. I am trying to deal with nightmares and bad thoughts since i was 16. and i feel like I am on the edge right now. i do not have a job and i left the university 2 year ago. i smoke marijuana and tobacco for 7 years. and i drink alcohol almost everyday. i just feel tired. sorry for bad english btw. anyways i do not know what will i do tomorrow. and I am drunk allrady. when i go i hope my cat will not be sad. :) hey...,Suicidal +18248,not sure what to do about this. i feel absolutely terrible. I have tried breaking up with him but he seems to be affected alot and i cannot stand to watch that. I have talked to him about my suicidal desires and he says its selfish of me to say that i want to commit suicide because it hurts him. i planned to do it by this month but i do not want to end someone elses life because I am too selfish to just deal with how i feel. my bf said he would kill himself if i did,Suicidal +18249,"I am quitting weed cold turkey so am going through some withdrawals. I do not know if I am having a nervous breakdown. I am raging at people, cannot sleep, drank even tho I am an alcoholic and go blackout, now my heart is in my stomach and I feel so hopeless. I have intrusive thought ocd which sometimes including thoughts like may as well kill uourself but I know that I will not. But I am so low. I know this is my own doing with the withdrawal and boozing last night but I do not know whether to ride it out or go inpatient. I am unable to work. My partner is saying he wants a break.Basically my life is falling apart- what did it take for you to check uourself in? Do I have to be suicidal What was the sign you needed to go inpatient",Depression +18250,"she is never happy with me, I am never good enough. I cannot help that the city I live in is filled with bike thieves, I made sure to lock her bike and everything, I could not help this yet she blames everything on me and says I have to go out searching for it which will take hours. I feel truly alone in this world ; ( My mother hates me and wants me dead ; (",Suicidal +18251,I asked her if she would be upset if I got her some help and she said yes. I told her to at least write me a note. She already has oneEveryone around just leaves eventually. she is all I have left My best friend/roommate attempted,Suicidal +18252,"I posted on r/anxiety as well.He promised he would not abandon me. Last week he had something go on in his life which made him upset which caused him to go off the radar for a couple days and when we talked he said he was sorry and was not really in the mood to talk. I was patient and understanding saying it is ok and asked him if we could talk tomorrow or the day after, he then got angry all of a sudden and started yelling (over text) that he was not sorry anymore and that he did not want to ""fucking talk"". He has not said anything since. What did I do wrong? He has been with me from the start. He promised he would not abandon me. I want him to come back. He left...",Depression +18253,"How can you be the friend nobody cares about but also the person everyone calls when they need help? If someone else was suicidal people would run to their aid but when it is me, nobody says a word. I get ignored for hours and even days at a time. I have learned how low my worth really is. Oh well, if it comes to an end, which it might, everyone will wonder why. Yet, nobody will even notice for a while. I wonder how long it would take. I know some people would be relieved. I ruined the life of the person I love most. I will never forgive myself. I make everyone I knows life harder. It does not matter how hard I try. I am completely worthless. The friend nobody cares about",Suicidal +18254,"I have finally hit rock bottom. I noticed I started getting mood swings a few months ago, and experiencing less and less joy as the days went on. Now I am completely numb, and I am scared Ill never be able to go back to those days of feeling happy. Did anyone else have a slow spiral into depression? Slow spiral into depression?",Depression +18255,"What am I supposed to do when I am paralyzed mentally? I really cannot do anything, it is very hard for me to get out of the bed and I am never motivated. What can I do if I do not have any will to live?",Depression +18256,Comeon! Idcnomore! Imtiredoftheslicktalk! Endmylifenow!!!!!! Comekilllme!!! I'llgiveyallmylocation!,Depression +18257,"I am so depressed I just want to die. Like an elephant dies. ""He is just like some guy I met who died a few years ago."" My mind drift to his death. Sometimes he felt like I was crying, or I was sobbing, or he was so sad. There was so much sadness that broke apart the entire thing. A lot of times I felt like if I just stayed away from him, he would not become real to me. And in those few moments of sadness, it could be just me in the middle of the most emotional moments of our lives. He was so much more like them. Just my best friend of 14 years, and of course there was nothing to lose but him. But I know that he will always stay. There was no life in him. But it never came close to this. His own body was a part of my whole life. So sad",Depression +18258,"If anyoneseemesleepingbehind theMichaeldArtsandCrafts buildingIwantyalltolaughatme, continue totauntsaytheworstthingsimaginable and throwthingsat me. Helpmetospeed theprocesstoendmyselfouthere. IdontwanttoliveandIwillbesuccessful inkillingmyself nomatterhowembarrassing ortorturing itis.Comeendme!!!! AnyoneherefromSavannahGA? Evenifyounot, Iwanttosaythis",Depression +18259,Where can i find the information about ways to do it? I want it to be peaceful and painless. If i use a knife I do not know where to cut and how much is going to hurt. If I jump from the 4th floor I am afraid I will not die and live paralysed. I do not want to drink pills and stuff. Thanks for any help Need help,Suicidal +18260,"\*This is posted only for victims of this society and ill ones. If you are none of them you are not collocutor here so I do not care your insults and humiliations\*&#x200B;It is been said that, moral values and morality even religions have been created for weaks. I believe it is opposite. They have been created for us-the weaks- to not harm others while we are in deep pain. This post does not try to because any harm nor violence. This is just few thoughts for weak, mentally ill and outcast.&#x200B;For a long time I have been thinking on source of morality-the rules for not harming others, not lyging exc- what are those sources? It has been religion throughout history. If you look at closely you can see how egoism is the essence of Christianity, Islam even Buddhism. They all preach same thing ""you must follow those rules for the sake of your well being. Even if you are sick, have been bullied, harmed you will seek heaven, heavenly father or good karma-rebirth-reincarnation-just be the good boy"". Ever since we undestood evolution, real nature of world. Ever since we understood how fake this thought of god, rebirth is. There is one dangerous spirit circulates around us-especially weaks. We have seek the real nature of question ""what is the good if there is no reward for my moral actions?"" Apperantly there is no reward for pro-social human actions. It is the opposite, sociopaths atttract both girls and men. And when we know that there is no reward nor punisment-in eternarl level-our chains are broken. Now our new divine command comes from our egos. We do not need YWH to have holy orders.&#x200B;So we must seek for our own desires. This is what humans do already. I want to ask you to question why we should be pro-social? For example if you are mentally ill you are easly outcasted. So why to be good? While you have nothing to lose. You ill ones will understand me. There is no place on eath for mentally ill",Suicidal +18261,"Does anyone here have FMLA for depression? Is that a thing? Over time, I have discovered that working full-time really triggers my depression. I feel like it makes life pointless. Like what is the purpose of working 40+ hours a week just to pay your mortgage/bills? Then you have no time for yourself. But without the full-time job, you have no health insurance, and not enough money to do anything in your spare time. Makes absolutely no sense to me. When everything was shut down during coronavirus, I felt so much better. I was even able to get off meds I had time to cook and eat well, to get proper sleep, and just to focus on and take care of myself. Then I went back to work 3 days a week for about the past year and everything was still fairly good. I was managing that ok. But, I recently had to go back to working 40 hours, and the downward spiral has already begun. Its only been a couple weeks, and I already feel like shit. I do not even want to get out of bed anymore :( Working makes me depressed",Depression +18262,"I do not know what to do anymore.I cry every day and struggle with bad thoughts any time any minor inconvenience happens.I love my boyfriend so much, more than anything and I do not want to leave knowing he will be so sad / mad / disappointed.I just am not happy with my life and I see no future in the world. I am plagued by ptsd from r*pe and I feel horrible all the time. I have given therapy and prescription drugs so many chances and each time I feel more defeated. I do not know what to do. I am tired of being sad. Hopeless but in love.",Suicidal +18263,"I believe I am losing control of my mental health. it is excruciatingly painful, and I have been crying almost every day. I am just trying to get by and survive, hoping that death will come and pick me up. I am tired, but my eyes are filled with sadness and I do not care if people will fancy me anymore. I hate being liked, I do not even like myself. So I am not going to waste my time convincing myself that everything will be fine; it is not going to happen, sweetie. The thing about being anonymous on the internet is that no one will know you are fucked up in the head. Yes, I am fucked up in the head. Fucked up in the head",Depression +18264,"What is the point?Does any of this matter?Would they miss me if I was gone?And more of the same old questions I have been asking myself since I was 11 years old. They said it was a phase... I am 40 now.The more I look for reasons to keep going, the more reasons I find to leave it.Life does not seem too important. I do not value it like I once did.It seems like we are so disposable. Maybe it was Covid. Seeing all those people die every day and life kept going on. We all noticed the lost. Most of us felt it. But time did not care. It just kept on moving.Even as more people die from the new variants, those of us who are vaccinated make summer vacation plans and try not to think about all the death and tears.I just do not understand it anymore. What is life? Why do we even cherish this world that keeps hurting us so much?Is it only hurting a few of us?Do other people really never think of things like this?Why cannot I just be a drone? Why do I have to have to want more out of life? Why cannot I just be happy that I am alive like everyone else seems to be?I am not expecting any answers to any of these questions. I just mostly want to know that I am not alone in these feelings.Thanks\-Lukin Should I stay or Should I go?",Depression +18265,"I am a 26m, almost 27. I was in the car business for 8 years and did pretty well, but got into real estate acquisition & management recently and am doing that full time now, mostly working from home. I have a lot of personal debt that stresses me out, realistically I have more equity in RE than I do debt but its still so hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel because it seems so far away (financial comfort). I have an awesome wife that we have a great relationship 90% of the time and two young kids that are everything to me. But I am super overweight (260lb) and I have been finding even though I am out of the car business where I was miserable 70% of the time, I am still a bit depressed. I find I cry more than I used to. I find myself constantly comparing myself to other people, I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings and feel guilty when I sleep in, even though I am always working even if I am laying down lol. I guess that is a lifestyle change that I am just not used to to some degree. But I am not motivated to exercise or eat healthy and its really taking a toll on me. I want to live longer and better. I guess right now I feel a bit unsure of where things are going and if I will succeed long term. I think I have done a pretty good job so far but I still feel a lot of pressure from myself and outside sources, and also wanting to give my family a great life. The last couple days I have just been working on making baby steps. Trying to get up a little bit earlier, being more organized, taking a walk to get a coffee instead of driving, etc. But I want to feel happier. Any input or tips is appreciated, or your own stories. I feel like this post leaves out a lot of detail but also is a bit excessive, and for that I apologize. But I always find there are some amazing redditors that can relate and help each other, so I thought I try out this sub. In a better situation but still depressed",Depression +18266,"Everynig,ht I hope that when I sle,ep behi,nd thisbu,ild,ingthatIdo,ntw.ak,eup Why is it so hard tod.iewhen you do not want tolive?Ipray to who ever runs this world, please, I am ready. Iamtheguywhosleepsbehind theMichaelsArtsandCrafts buildinginSavannahGa. Imslowlykillingmyself ImfromSavannahGAandI'mthefatugly nobodywhosleeps behindtheMichaelsAr ts andCrafts building. ThatswhereIwanttodieat",Depression +18267,Everything about it I despise. I do not want to take part in this circus created by society. I live for my pets only I do not hate my life I hate this life,Depression +18268,"I had my first depersonalization/derealization episode 14 months ago, induced from drugs i think. time went by in was better but now since 2 months it began to get worse day by day. i got a new job since 1 week and now i can see all the things that is messed up with me. for example social anxiety, cannot have longer conversations, feeling weird all the time, i cannot concentrate and memorize/remember tasks/things to do. i am confused and distracted most of the time. my libido is gone, i really do not know who i am anymore, i cannot laugh from my heart like in the past, most of the time i live in my head, my memory is gone i do not remember most of my life and i cannot live like this anymore.when i walk for longer than 30 minutes i start to dissociate my arms feel numb like i do not have arms and my body feels so light like I am going to raise to the air.i cannot work like this and live like this anymore..is this psychosis? is this dp? its not just normal anxiety that is for sure because valium only helps a little bit.and i noticed my eyes look lifeless and dead.i really need help and advice, thank you for reading. What is happening to me? I am hopeless and confused",Depression +18269,"most of my friends are all considered physically attractive without trying and people have crushes on them. why do i have to be the shitty bastard to look so disgusting no matter what i do. i do not resent my friends at all, in fact i love them. i just hate myself. why the fuck does my face have to be so disgusting?",Suicidal +18270,"During this time with covid and all this shit in our boring dystopia, my mental state has really been tanking, been in general a pretty depressed person so it is has hit an all time low but a year a go I started in a new school and lost basically all my few friends and in my social circle and I have not been able to make any new friends or even been able to talk with anyone in our outside my class. So I have in general been really alone with my own thoughts wich has not really helped my mental state, and with that I have not been able to get any sort of contact with my class or anyone else in my school I do not like going there but I do anyway because I feel like education is important but It feels like I am the only one in my school that thinks that way, my grades has also been getting worse because of it I guess probably just my fault too but anyway summer break was getting closer and I was pretty excited about to get away for a while but 3 days before the break starts my school announces that the entire school is moving to the opposite side of town making it honestly impossible for to get there in time if I do not want to wake up at 3:00 pm and I do not have any other school to go to so I do not know what I am supposed to do anymore I do not feel like living is worth all of this shit I just do not know if it worth it anymore no one would honestly care if I died I feel like my life is falling apart",Suicidal +18271,"they always talk about reaching out because people do care and this and that. its such a lie. no one actually cares about me. i may be surrounded by people but i feel more alone than ever. its so cheesy to say that no one understands me but how else do i put it? i try talking about it to someone, they make it about them. to another person, they literally just do not pay attention to what I am saying.I am not saying i want to be the subject of attention at all times. its nothing like that at all. I am not even that forward about how i feel. i barely talk about it because ill only end up disappointed by their lack of care. sorry this is written terribly, swear I am more cohesive when I am not purely desperate to talk about literally how shitty i feel all the time no matter what i do. I am exhausted. this weight on my chest never leaves. Literally no one cares",Depression +18272,"Ever since my ex boyfriend broke up with me everything has pretty much been shitty. I have some good days but I cannot really remember the last time I was ok, I know it was definitely when I was still with my ex. We broke up a month and like 12 days ago. Nothing had been ok since. I went on vacation thinking it would maybe help and it did a bit except for the intrusive thoughts and the days where I felt like I was going to explode because of just being overwhelmed. The intuitive thoughts did not bother me too much. They were mostly like it would be fun if you jumped off that balcony which happened a lot since there were a lot of hotels the were huge. Yesterday this car was speeding by us and it was also pretty close, I had to stop myself from stepping in front of it, and I almost did step in front of the car. But the worse thing was not the intrusive thoughts, it was just me being insecure about how I looked. It made me the most depressed out of anything and it was so hard to pretend I was fine. But today is the last day and i had already told myself if the vacation did not make me feel better Id probably try to kill myself again, and its looking like I might do that. I am not sure if well be back today or tomorrow but I am either going to do it Friday or Saturday. I am just tired of trying to stay alive when I do not want to. Nothing is getting better",Suicidal +18273,"I have struggled with depression suicidal thoughts for years now, and my husband knows this. He has been very supportive when I started therapy and medication, and continues to be there for me. However we had a fight and rather than telling me he needed a break from the discussion he just walked away from me (we later discussed it, and he did not want to start yelling, so he chose to remove himself from the situation, communication is a separate thing that we are working on). At a certain point I seriously considered hanging myself from our weight lifting cage. I went so far as to toss a a belt over the chin up bars. I do not really know why I stopped. Maybe realizing that it was not tall enough for the belt, or that I did not know how to secure it properly. From there I just had a series of thoughts about how long it would take for him to come down and check on me, how he would react, what would happen if it failed. So I went back upstairs and told him that I needed help. I do not think he realizes how close I was to going through with it, and I do not know how to approach it. He also struggles with depression, so I do not want to put blame on him. He may have upset me, but I have an illness that does not let me think or process emotions rationally in times of stress. Right now I am thinking about writing a letter so I can get my thoughts ordered, and give it to him, but that feels.. immature? Weak? I do not know, just not right. Advice on how to approach this would be helpful. Side note: My doctor and I agreed to increase my antidepressant dose, and I have an appointment with my therapist scheduled for next week. So, some steps have already been taken to prevent this from happening again. How to talk about how close I was to going through with it my husband",Suicidal +18274,I do not know what to do anymore. I just want to die but I do not want to hurt my family.,Suicidal +18275,Why is it that people are always trying to alpha others. I am over here trying to show love peace and respect and you are over there trying to hurt me and force me out the way as if you are offended by my existence. Well i do not subscribe to the idea. All people ever do is capitalise on others depression. Mutual consideration is a thing lost in time. Heaven forbid my physical and mental ailments force me to a place you are not familiar with. What on earth is the matter with people Why cannot you just show some respect,Suicidal +18276,"I am 21, I am severely disabled, I do not have any hobbies, I am unable to work, I do not have friends, I am not able to work. I do not have a Partner. I live in a facility for disabled and mentally ill. I just exist and wait until I die.But this is extremely, extremely boring. So how do I make it until 80, without going extremely crazy?How do I stay sane with not much able to do? How do I make it until 80?",Depression +18277,"I am talking to this guy and he kind of knows I suffer with depression but not the extent of it. He keeps trying to start deep conversations with me and last night he asked me what motivates me to get up in the morning. The real answer is literally nothing, i struggle every day and staying alive is hard enough as is but obviously I do not want to say that. I am curious how others would reply to this question? Would you lie and make something up or would you be honest? what motivates me?",Depression +18278,"I have a baby girl that I love so much that it hurts. I cannot be a good parent for her, I am useless. And because I am such a miserable pile of crap, her mother now hates me. I just want to die, but now I cannot do that because of my daughter. I should have killed my self before becoming a father",Suicidal +18279,"Its something I think about everyday. How much better things would have been if I was not me, if I was someone else, someone more. I never wanted this life, to be born into this world. I am a terrible, god awful fucking person, and I deserve every bad fucking coming my way. And when those bad things inevitably come my way, I remind myself that I deserve it, and accept it with a smile.I have ruined every friendship, chance at love and happiness, chance of acceptance, quit every job I have had or everything I have done. Id planned to Kms when I turned 21, and now I am 23. could not even make that one on time :).I also know that I do not want to stay alive much longer, no matter what happens. I could have everything I wanted and it would not be enough, I do not deserve it. If I were a bit stronger, I would not be here to type this now. Maybe one day. there is just no point in living in a world built like ours, when you are as incompatible and unworthy as me. Its a joke. I am unworthy, of love, of happiness, and living the life I want to live.",Depression +18280,"Long rant warning.I feel depresssed. After a 3 year break from school, i decided i want to make a change for my life, to pursue a career as a nurse as i have always wanted to be on a medical team. I fall behind on my studies so i ought to look for tuitions. So now i have a new tuition teacher, he is efficient, had cultivated lots and lots of A score students.I am always making mistakes, its hard for me to understand what they are saying and the teacher encouraged (to me it is *preasuring*) us to interact with him otherwise we will not be allowed in class ( online classes). I do not know how to answer, my national language is not as good as the others, so i might be blurting out gibberish.He is straight foward and always say that i am wrong. It is a normal and rightful thing to say, and i do have to know if i am doing it right or wrong, it is his job, but my depresssed mind kept interpreting it as disgust because i am older than other students yet am still far behind. When he speaks, to me it is very hurtful even though it is beneficial or normal reaction or rightfully or some positive shyt. I felt that my depression, sadness and broken heart are irrational and unjustified. It is really hindering me from my studies and possibly future job, i have anxiety and just the thought of every thing concerning my studies or my teacher are making me soo sad and heart broken.What do i do? Should i go see a doctor? But my hospital is in lockdown because of the covid outbreak inside it. Should i take a break from my tuition? I do not want to be seen as a coward and run away from my problems, i also want to be one of his successful students. If i were to persue in nursing, there will be much more harder trials than my teacher correcting me. I am falling apart, me falling behind on studies is really making me depressed and despair. I think i could mention to my tuition teacher about my mental illness and take a break again from the tuition until maybe the doctor sorts me out. What do you think? Sorry for the rant. Grateful but feeling sad because of my teacher, any advice would help.",Depression +18281,"23 year old guy from Australia here. Back in high school I hung out with a lot of different people and had many friends. I was also part of a church youth group and had a bunch of friends there too. I have never been a socially awkward person but I feel like the hand that life has dealt me has led to me being completely alone. Since 2019 I have barely had anyone who I can honestly consider a close friend. I have had work colleagues that I have hung out with but I feel like I cannot truly be myself around them and share genuine connections with them. Its more like a casual acquaintanceship. As of now I currently live alone and have absolutely no one I consider a friend. Everyday I wake up and do the same thing over and over again. Wake up alone, go to sleep alone. In my past I have always just had people around me so making friends was not that hard but now that I am older I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. Do I just go to a bar alone? Every time I am in public I feel so disconnected from everyone. Feel like I need to be more proactive. My birthdays coming up soon and its really sad that I cannot think of anyone to celebrate with other than my parents. I have no friends for a long time and it kind of sucks to be so lonely",Depression +18282,"My dog died a few weeks ago, I was doing alright for the most part but now I miss her again, just found out my crush has a girlfriend, I am always home alone, bored and demotivated, sleepy all the goddamn time, do not work out anymore and have a shitty diet, the weather here sucksI know I am going to get better but this is just bad Life can go to shits so quickly sometimes",Depression +18283,"Life was catchy at first. I do not remember the very first episodes but i think they were ok. Then the whole ""childhood"" part was awesome. But since the ""18yo"" aka ""growing adult"" part, i feel like the writers have no ideas. Now it is just boring af. Not sure why i still watch it tbh. Life is like these overextended series",Depression +18284,"I spent over a week working on my final project for art , and it was literally hell and the end result was not even the best but i did not care because fuck it i wasted so much time doing this subject. Some stuff for it was falling apart so i just wanted to get help binding, keep in mind I just wanted to get help binding the night before it was due and my aunt my fucking aunt and my mother did nothing but criticise my project when I literally never speak to them because i cannot stand most of my family either way, and apparently my father was dissapointed because he could not help me bind it because he is ill, and my fucking aunt literally told me to start the whole fucking project over because she wanted him to feel better. I am not joking , she asked me to do over like two weeks worth of work in ONE NIGHT and then fucking gaslighted me when I said no are they fucking serious I was so close to just throwing myself out the fucking window right there i fuckinwgssnsnsjs. I binded it my self and sent it to skl but my god I am still reeling she cannot be serious SEETHING I am FUCKING SEETHING",Suicidal +18285,"If I walk out onto oncoming traffic, would it be my fault if someone hits me? They can swerve. I am sick of cleaning up shit and living in a nasty old ass house built in 1930 where I feel its going to collapse on me or Ill die from mold poisoning. Everything is harder when things are cheaply made. How is it fair for others to charge expensively. I feel I deserve better than this. But who fucking knows why we suffer everyday for damn Eve who is so fucking stupid and bite the damn apple. Deception is so easy its so horrible. is I want to kill myself but the only thing stopping me is God. This world is so unkind and cruel. People are getting more fucked up in the heads that even men think they are women. Your own family can treat you bad. Worse things happen to people that are unimaginable . I want to kill my self but I am too scared to. I wish I could die now I want to die I am so unhappy",Suicidal +18286,"i came to this conclusion tonight. can someone please convince me otherwise.. i do not want to believe this, or i may just fall into even deeper despair/ hopelessness. My family were the last relationships i had left. i thought that they would last forever because of the history and memories that we have together. But as soon as i moved out of home, they were able to move on with their lives in an instant. Like nothing was even there. like i was nobody to them. I may be a bland, boring person.. but does not love look beyond the person you are? Everyone is just in this massive game of life for themselves. its all about getting what you want and chasing what makes you happy. noone cares about anyone else unless its going to benefit them.we are all just selfish animals. Love does not exist.",Depression +18287,"Today I talked to my doctor, for the first time in my life, about how I feel. Now I feel a bit relieved, but also really scared if this was even the right thing to do.. lol. Everything kind of falls off.. I do not know how to explain it. Did anybody, who opened up, feel similar? Talked to my doctor, but kind of scared now",Depression +18288,"I thought I got better, I thought I would finally get on the right path, but I made another mistake and I am back where I was. I do not care anymore, its just the easy way out. back to how it used to be",Suicidal +18289,"(apologies for possible grammatical errors, I am not a native english speaker)after years of begging to go to therapy i finally did yesterday! i have been struggling with symptoms of adhd (all of them) and it is been effecting my life and school work really badly, so i convinced mom that i should get tested for it and get treatment so i could get into the college she wants me to go to.well turns out, I am not the one who answers the questions on the test(because I am ""a child"" but I am actually 17), but my mother who always dismisses my struggles and does not know anything about me at all!! so naturally the results came out as in ""might have had symptoms as a child, is okay now"" and now my mom is saying that i made a fuss for nothing and i better stop being lazy and study hard for the stupid fucking college. why am i posting this on suicide watch? well it is because I am fucking done with this shit. throughout all my life I have been struggling and nobody ever believed me to the point i stopped believing myself. and I am done! i do not want to go through this anymore. i attempted suicide once and thankfully mom did not even find out, i hope this time it actually works! I am just scared if it did not work I would have to handle her screaming at me and saying that I am selfish for trying to kill myself and not thinking about her. so yeah I am so tired because I am in genuine pain and even the adults who were supposed to help did not even ask *me* about my struggles, nobody actually gives a shit about me and it would not make a difference if i were dead! i have some rope and i might just give everyone a rest tonight. there is no other way out i guess",Suicidal +18290,**Extraterrestrial beings can visit our planet in a few days.** Extraterrestrial beings can visit our planet in a few days.,Depression +18291,"I just want to end my life, but I am too cowardly to do it. I know my death will upset the few who claim they still care about me, but existing is so fucking painful. I really do not want to go on, I can feel the fear of going through with it slowly starting to disappear, because I am so beat up by life it is looking like the only viable option left. I almost went through with it on Tuesday morning, while my partner was at work. I had the pills in my hand and everything, but I just... could not do it.It started getting really bad around February of this year, when I randomly started reliving some past traumas from my youth. I was drugged and raped when I was 17, on top of that add a shitty upbringing from people who were supposed to protect me and an even shittier school life, where I was mercilessly bullied by my peers. I have always not been great at speaking to people or expressing my emotions, so I always come off as awkward and weird. It really enrages me when people who used to give me a hard time say ""ah, it was just harmless teasing"". I am now 35 and that shit NEVER leaves you. Then we have the emotional vampires in my family who need me to drop everything and help them with a problem, but when it is time to return the favour, there is nothing but silence. I am currently receiving therapy but it is just not working. The only thoughts that bring me relief is the thought that if I killed myself, everything will be over and I can finally find the peace of mind I have been searching for, for so long now I think the next time I am on my own. I am going to do it. I do not belong anywhere",Suicidal +18292,Come sit by the fire where it is warm. it is been a long day soldier.,Depression +18293,"I am 14, i have not slept in 46 hours, i want to relapse, i cannot stop thinking abt when i got raped, everytbint is bad, my parente abuse me, I am hooked on drugs, I am going to kill myself. i cannot",Suicidal +18294,I met this woman off Tinder for a hookup. On my profile I mentioned that I like having sex with women with vaginas after she asked me what my preference was. She never disclosed me that she was a woman with a penis even though she is the one who asked me what my preference was. This woman and I talked and video chatted and met up at a hotel.We were getting undressed then I saw that she had male genitalia. Once I saw this I asked her what was going on?? She told me it does not matter if she had a penis and that sex was sex and she is still a woman. I told her that I was not comfortable and did not want to proceed.Once I did that she completely flipped on me. I tried to leave the room. She would not let me call the front desk or 911. She ripped the phone out my hands and threw it down. She pinned me down on the floor. I tried to fight her off but could not. She entered me then raped me. This was the first time Inhad ever been penetrated. She then Tried to strangle me and I tried screaming as loud as I could. I bit her face as hard as I could and I kicked her in her penis area and ran into the hallway. I was only in panties and a bra. I screamed for helped and yelled FIRE!!!. Three people came out their rooms and tried to help me. I told them I had been raped and beaten.She then ran out the room still trying to charge at me and the guy out of the three had to hold her back. One of the women who came out of her room gave me her robe and slippers and went down with me to the lobby.The hotel manager took me into their office and asked me what happened then called the police. 4 officers showed up.The hookup who raped me came down to the lobby told the police that I was lying and was crazy. I showed them my bruises. They told me they had no proof that she did that and she also told the officer that if they take her to jail then they are violating her human rights because she is a trans woman.They asked me questions and the hotel manager let 2 of the officers get access into the hotel room to try and take evidence but there was none because she raped me on the floor. I said I wanted a rape kit. They said they have no proof that it was not consensual. They took a report but did not take her to jail. I requested an ambulance who took me to the hospital where I received a rape kit. My hookup was never arrested. I am speaking to lawyers now but do not know what to do.I am extremely distressed and mentally compromised. I am with my family now and took screenshots of our texts and app chats.I keep calling the police department and they keep saying that they have forwarded my report to the prosecutor but I have heard nothing back and its been 5 days.This happened in the state of California as I was there visiting a friend for a week.What are my options? What would you do in this situation? I am in desperate need of help! I was raped this past weekend by a woman with a penis and the police told me they cannot do anything about it because the woman with a penis told them she did not do it. The woman threatened to report the officers for being transphobic if they arrested her then they dismissed me. Now I am suicidal.,Suicidal +18295,"I live in a lovely houseWhere I have everything I need to be happy.I enjoy reading books for hours,With a cup of coffee in hand to help me focus.If I get tired, I can take a soothing bath,And let the hot water burn away the stress.And doing chores is always funWhen listening to upbeat music.But one day, a mosquito entered the house.The mosquito followed me, biting me and buzzing in my ear.The stings bothered me while doing chores,And I could not hear the music with that buzzing.However, I am happy in this house,As I have always been.So I let the mosquito keep annoying me,And pretend it is not there while I do the things that make me happy.Now, there are three mosquitoes in my house.I wonder where they come from.The buzzing sound makes me lose focus,Now I do not know which paragraph I was on.And when I bathe,They attack my naked body.However, I am happy in this house,As I have always been.So I let the mosquitoes keep annoying me,And pretend they are not there while I do the thing that make me happy.Now my house is full of mosquitoes.I wonder why there are so many.I do not even know what book I was reading.And without realizing it, I eat mosquitoes that were taking a bath in the coffee.I know the rest is waiting for me in the bathtub,So I do not shower anymore.All I hear is buzzing.All I feel is itching.there is nothing I can do.All I do in this house is cower in bed, my hands covering my ears.However, I am happy in this house.Or so Id like to believe.Because I no longer live in that house.In that house live mosquitoes, and a corpse. This is something I wrote, as a person who has had suicidal thoughts since childhood.",Suicidal +18296,What is a best way to die such that people think it was a natural death and i feel almost painless to die? Death,Depression +18297,being an orphan at your early stages of life but you fight thru it seeing other people with complete family makes you cry most of the time... but your using it as an inspiration to strive harder.. and now your at this moment that your one step closer to graduating but its on the brink the you may lose it.. because your really short of your money working in a part time job just to support your study but really its not.enough and i maybe lose the oppurtunity the feeling that you might not graduate,Depression +18298,"I am so doneI had a breakdown 2 hours ago and I feel like I am going to get another soon again. I was laying on bed, holding a knife up to my stomach, wondering if i should let it drop or stab myself. But despite my total mind block, still could not imagine the pain or laying here bleeding for like next few hours possibly not even dying.Wish i had access to gun or just own one, would go in some quiet abandoned place and just shoot myself in peaceTold myself to stay or at least try survive this summer. But I do not see really that one happening anymore, i do not know what am i going to to dofuck I am mentally destroyed",Suicidal +18299,"I just do not know when, and have nowhere to say it but here, so yea I have accepted that I am going to leave early",Suicidal +18300,"i got rejected from the only therapy that could genuinely help me and I am done.I have been super suicidal for like 2 months straight and I lost my job last week, my weed dealer went inactive and weed is literally the only thing keeping me alive and i do not have another dealer, none of my friends speak to me anymore, I am so so brutally alone and I am done. I am not fucking doing this shit anymore i do not deserve to have to keep putting up with this shit i tried okay i fucking tried to get help i tried to give myself another chance but they will not let me.i feel like everything has finally aligned and like this was meant to be; it cannot be coincidental that in the last 3 months i lost my best friend, i lost most my friends, i lost my job, i lost my weed dealer, i lost my sanity and I have finally lost everything keeping me here and i simply do not care enough to find something else.i have 5 pre rolled joints left then I am outta here. i admit defeat",Suicidal +18301,"I have somehow always known I will never grow old, even before being suicidal. The end is closing in on me but I am surprised I got this far. I have always known",Suicidal +18302,"I just tried to shoot myself about 30 days ago. Ended up going to inpatient and I thought things were getting better. When I got out though everything was just as bad as before. A lot of people I thought were good friends disappeared when I told them I was raped, abused, and tried to kill myself. I just do not think people really care about men when it comes to these things. My perpetrator said she wanted to make things right, but disappeared on my first day I got back out in the real world. At this point I feel I just need to get a 12 gauge and actually follow through. I have tried to kill myself so many times. My life is living hell, I have constant nightmares now about being raped, and I feel like I am always panicked. I just want this suffering to end. Nothing worked and I just need to blow my brains out. Nothing worked and its about time I actually do it.",Suicidal +18303,"I am seriously at a loss. I constantly lose everything and I am tired of it.Me and my friend started a business and since she asked me to step down it has seen unprecedented growth. Me and 2 friends moved in together and after months of weirdly living together they asked me to move out. Now I see that their social circle is booming having different people round all the time. Me and a girl I was seeing recently called it off. I let her go to one party by herself we was meant to attend together and she now has a whole new huge group of friends in just a few days.Due to me having nowhere to live I needed to move back into my house for the 4th time in my adult life and share a room with my 12 year old brother who clearly is developing some issues from the back and forthness of not having his own space.I damage every life I come into contact with, and I now have nothing to be happy about. I really am sick of trying to go on with this shit existence when clearly I hate being here. Every day is just a struggle to carry on and clearly nobody else is benefiting from me knowing them. I do not enjoy living and clearly nobody is benefiting from me being here.",Suicidal +18304,I got 5 of 300 welbutrin XL Is it enough I looked in the google but did not understand. I do not want to be in coma I want to die. I wan't my first attempt to be the last,Suicidal +18305,"No one takes my depression seriously. They all think I am joking or coming up with excuses for my failures. it is getting harder and harder by day and I do not know what to do. Next year is my Bacaloria and I feel like this illness is going to make studying for it x100 times harder. I cannot mess my Bacaloria up. Pretty much the rest of my life depends on it.Since no one around me seems to care about my depression, the only choice I am left with is to treat alone, but I just do not see how that can be achieved. How do I treat this illness alone?",Depression +18306,"Today, I wake up to my moms phone call crying. I am on vacation. She tells me something attacked a dove we saved. All was left was some blood and feathers. My chest feels like someone is sitting on it, and I feel sad, empty but also full of pain. I am sure it sounds stupid but it hurts so bad. I feel so dead inside. It hurts so much My bird was killed",Depression +18307,Been out of the psych ward for like 2 or 3 weeks and the suicidal thoughts are back already. I hate this I feel like I am relapsing,Depression +18308,"I am in a lot of pain, mental pain. My whole life i have felt alone, except for my dogs, they are the only true connection i have. I am only holding on for them, but at the same time i am so terrified of losing them, i cannot leave them, they need me, but it is so hard and i know the pain of losing them is going to push me over the edgeFrom the outside, to everyone else i am happy, successful, but on the inside i am just clinging onto lifeSometimes i wish we could just die peacefully together, i would never ever be able to hurt them or do anything to them, i could not even bear the thoughtThe thing that makes me the most angry is noone accepts or understands the love i have for my dogs, they are my literal children, but to everyone else they are just dogs if only they knew my dogs were the only reason i am still alive now.. If it was not for my dogs i would be dead by now",Suicidal +18309,"Does identifying the source of depression even help? I have been taking lexapro for a few months now and i think it works sometimes but can still get down real quick. Feel like therapy is a waste of time when its a chemical imbalance, not sure what talking or finding problems is going to do. Like now I am aware of why I hate myself instead of thinking its just how I am. Identifing the problem",Depression +18310,"I am probably going to be dead in a few hours so here goes. Dear anyone who even bothers to read this. I break everything I touch. I broke my family. I broke my friends. I broke my friends' families. I broke my own life. I break everyone around me. Everything is a problem when I am involved. Do I ever make things better? I do not even know why I exist. I technically was not supposed to be born. Do I exist to make life worse? Do I exist to just be a punching bag for whoever wants to hurt someone? Am I just a scapegoat for every bad thing? Every day is just a new problem in my life. I am sick of pretending I am getting better, when I am not. No amount of exercise or meditation or whatever will fix me. I am a mistake that should be punished. I have done many unspeakable things in my very short life. I get what I deserve I guess. I really hope people will not pity me for my sob story. I am so truly evil, the sight of myself disgusts me. I know that people will miss me when I am gone at first. I know how much it will hurt. But really, why spend time crying about me when I am 6 foot under? People will get over it. I do not see anyone crying now because my granddad died, because he died 12 years ago. I assume in 12 years time, people will forget. When I am gone, please look after my mum and grandma. Tell them it was not their fault. Knowing them, they will blame themselves. Tell them that I am ok now, and I am not in pain any more. Tell them I love them. I have hurt so many people in the past, and for that I am truly sorry. Every single person, from strangers to my worst enemies. I feel as though I need to make amends before I die. And to everyone who did not know me until now. I am sorry you had to meet me that way. I am sorry for everything. Please get better for me. Please live a life that I would have wanted you to live. Make me proud. I will watch over you. Remember me. Remember my name. Remember my story.Love, Jade/Aster My final goodbye (hopefully)",Suicidal +18311,Easy and simple. I feel like smashing a window with my head and slitting my throat with the broken glass,Suicidal +18312,"For the past few days I feel like I have been so self-destructive that my negative energy is simply so big and it feels like I am destroying other people as well...I do not know what to do, I do not feel like doing anything...I think it is best for me to hide in my corner, so nobody else gets hurt by my negativity... I am the villain in my own story",Depression +18313,I feel suicidal I used to check in with friends but not anymore. They all used me.I do not have nothing to live for either. I do not have anyone. The one guy I like is gone and the other one used me. Lonely and Sad,Suicidal +18314,"I do not know if this fits here, if not I am sorryAfter having bad dreams like every night, I recently discovered that it is way worse to have great dreams, where your dreams come true. While a bad dream fades away after waking up, a great dream makes you realize even more, that your life is a nightmare. Nightmares",Depression +18315,"I am done.Yesterday morning, kind of out of nowhere, I set a date for my suicide. If nothing changes, then I am going to drown myself on October 14. that is ninety days from tomorrow.I work with my ex, and I am kind of terrified to go to work again. I have work tonight. In fact, I have three nights in a row. My family do not know that I am struggling, and they do not know about her, so I cannot explain taking time off. I am having really bad urges to self-harm.I want to break a bone, so I cannot work for a long time. Just to give myself a break. there is a hammer downstairs.I am just at a loss for words. I set a date.",Suicidal +18316,"Where I just avoid everything and sleep and stay inside in order to not trigger.But I do not hate it as much as I do not care.do not care about anything really.Whereas if I am active, then yes, I might take steps towards suicide, but at least I am doing something.The passive does not feel right, because that will not change anything, but I am also tired of trying and failing everything I hate passive suicidality",Suicidal +18317,"I really hate this feeling. More than anything. I feel trapped, like this feeling is being enforced on me and I cannot do anything about it. I feel worn down, I keep doubting myself, I am putting less effort into my work, i feel disinterested in my hobbies, I keep having negative thoughts, I feel like I am not going to make it, or that I am going to fail. I feel like all my efforts might be for nothing. I try to envision my future but it seems bleak, which only makes me feel worse. I keep going over the what ifs, and the urge to give up is strong. I really really hate this. I feel a depressive episode coming on - venting",Depression +18318,I want kill myself. I have nothing to live for. My friends all used me. They call the cops instead of taking the time to talk to me and comforting me. I stop checking in on them. They barely check in with me. This guy who I really like used me so I stopped talking to him. I do not think he wants me. No one does. I just want someone to hold me at night. I am Going to Die Soon Anyways,Suicidal +18319,"I am tired. it is the same routine everyday. over and over again.i used to be a morning person before the pandemic happened. now i feel like a zombie waking up every morning. my mom wakes me up every morning, but never with a ""good morning"". it is always ""you are never studying"" or ""wake up you lazy ass"". cannot she, for once, notice that I am consumed by dark thoughts and sadness? (i would not say I am depressed, because I am not clinically diagnosed). yesterday, after my online class, i was having an existential crisis and just lying in bed crying the fuck out into my pillow. I am pretty sure my mom heard me crying, and chose not to ask me about it. and while i like to be left alone when I am having breakdowns, it would really have helped me if my mom had comforted me. instead, she chooses to always call me lazy. I am so sick of this. online classes suck, but that is a whole another story for another post. i just feel really really suicidal right now. there is nothing left to live for. my life is not going like I would imagined it. what is going to happen? should i really keep going? when I am actually contemplating suicide, i realize i want to hold on a little bit longer. that is when i realize i do not want to die, i just want to live. I am so tired of everything",Suicidal +18320,"I mean I have literally considered myself borderline asexual for the past few years. I have not had any desire for romantic relationships, I masturbate like twice and year and rarely ever get horny either. In fact I find it and gross and annoying when other ppl are horny or talk about sex. I literally do not resonate with anyone anymore. It makes me sad tho, I feel like I am losing all my humanity and I deserve to feel pleasure lol Has anyone just lost their sex drive due to depression?",Depression +18321,I have seen a lot of posts of people wondering if they should leave their s/o because of their mental state and it is.. depressing? I understand how hard it can be to have to take care of someone who is not doing well but man.. I do not want to have to put on the mask of a happy person to be worthy of love. And I do not want to die alone either. Can someone love you even though you are depressed?,Depression +18322,I am dependent on everyone around me. I am almost an adult but I feel like a kid. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking I am younger than I am. Its disturbing. Will I ever grow up? How can I take care of myself?,Depression +18323,"I am going to be turning 30 in a couple weeks.I am a white dude from Washington State and I grew up playing a lot of video games (n64, etc)I never did well in school because I never spent any time studying, my mother watched 6 kids (2 cousins, 3 siblings and then myself) so she was too busy to make sure I was getting assignments turned in. My dad worked full time manual labor and he was always too tired when he got home and I never wanted to bother him on his days off.Fast forward to Sophomore high school, my dad gets non-Hodgkin lymphoma and deteriorates rapidly. He passes a little after my 16th birthday. I end up dropping out and working part time jobs.I was dating a girl who still to this day I feel like in a universe or reality that I was not shit, I would have ended up with her. I still talk to her sometimes and she is awesome, but she has her own life now.Anyway, she ended up leaving around the same time my dad passed away so between working (first job was at GameStop, and yeah it was fucking awful) I would spend most of my time in my room listening to Postal Service and crying.I tried to get back into school, ended up taking some community college classes. Dropped out, came back, dropped out etc I am not sure how many times between the ages of 18 to 21. When I was 22 I started dating again, and the first girl I slept with I ended up getting pregnant. I was always taught do not have sex because it will make Jesus cry and I kind of did not really give a fuck about that. What should have been said was it will kill your youth and leave you an empty broken person or at least, that is how it was for me.We talked and decided she should have the baby and she came to live with me at my moms house (what a catch I am right) and I supported her through her awful pregnancy (lots of morning sickness, etc)I end up getting a job at Safeway and a friend teaches me how to drive and loans me enough to buy a shitty car that lasted me about 2 years.So by this point I am 25ish and we move in with our son to a new apartment. I am actually in school and doing well this time and she is working as a bartender. I finish school by the time I am 27 and graduate with an associates in paralegal studies.Just about right after I find a new job using my degree She stops working. I bugged her about working or going to school constantly because I felt like you should always be striving to improve? Or something. Just sitting at home while I am working is kind of shit because the entire time we were together I was either working or in school.During this time in our wonderful life together, she brings home an older Korean gentleman and fucks him on our bed. We had an argument over her not doing anything and she went to the bar she used to work at and decided that is the best thing for her to do I guess.We worked through that. I had this idea of having a nice family and I made so many decisions because of this. The year before the pandemic I tell her that I am going back to school to get a bachelors because I do not earn enough for us to live with just me working. So that means we will have to move back in with my mom which She did not like. I was kind of in the tough shit mood because I was doing all the heavy lifting. Right before I started going to class my grandmother passed away and left me a bit of money. I always wanted to go to Japan and so did She (my then fianc) so we took a few week trip and it was fun.So about a year into me going to school she has a meltdown and tells me that I do not give her enough affection (which, she could have been right) but my idea of affection was providing. I always told her I did not care what she did after I graduated, but until then she should at least contribute.She ends up leaving and moving in with her friends. Then from there She ends up meeting a girl and becomes the third person in that relationship. She leaves me to take care of our son. she would rather be getting fucked by two people than even attempting to be a good mom to him. I mean she was never a great mother, but kids do not really understand that. I have long since had the mom is not coming home talk with my son but he still says stuff like when mom comes back etc and it kills me.So for about the past few months I have been living in this pure agony. She will call him every day or so, but I want absolutely nothing to do with her. I feel like if there was not a child involved it would be a clean easy breakup. I have dealt with breakups before. The idea that I am chained to this woman through him is so fucking aggravating. She texted me saying she was going to come pick him up and have him stay the night with her (she lives an hour+ away) I said the fuck you are, as long as I have known her she spends most of the day getting high and I know she is living with people who grow their own weed. So yea, fuck that. Also she cannot drive and I do not want this lady I do not know driving this kid around.I obviously care a lot for my Son, but I have realized just how meaningless everything truly is. I wish I would have made better decisions, maybe not had a child with a psychopath.I am an average looking dude who had horrible acne and still does and I have realized that when I get acne it always leaves a scar on my body. The ones on my face I do not touch, but the ones on my body will pop just from sleeping and those always leave nice bright pink scar tissue.I am down about 35 pounds since April. I was 220 and last I weighed myself out of the shower I was 185. I have not been eating or sleeping much. Before this I never did drugs but I have been spending just about every moment not with my son (my mom has been helping me and she is wonderful) getting cross faded and screaming into pillows or crying. I used to have horrible anxiety but ever since I started actively wishing I was dead I have not had panic attacks.I do not want to work again. I do not want to go back to School in the fall. I do not want to start dating again, but I would have liked real help raising him. I feel so guilty bringing a child into this shitty fucked up world. The only thing stringing me along is the thought of what my son will have to go through when I am gone. Id like my mother to take care of him and not his drug addled mother.Ultimately I feel like I wasted my entire life. I know success can be measured in different ways but what do I really have? I have no friends. I am in an insane amount of debt and my body is falling apart. I am starting to lose my hair and I cannot grow a beard due to genetics. The only thing Id be willing to accept is a reset button. I believe that when you die that is it just lights out and that sounds so much better than what I am feeling daily.I know where this is heading. I cannot afford to keep going to school now that she is gone because I exhausted everything I had because I thought someday she would give a fuck and start working but yea that never happened.Id rather be dead than work in a grocery store for minimum wage while single handedly raising my kid. I know he will miss me when I am gone, but all this shit is meaningless anyway. The Universe will have its heat death and that will be itIm sorry if anyone actually read all this. I should have made better choices. I do not want to get help, I do not want to get better. The bottom line is I need to go back in time. Anything other than that means nothing to me. I am not going to be killing it in my mid to late 30s, its fucking over for me.On my 30th birthday I am going to go to a bar with my full bottle of Trazadone, drink a shit ton and then down the pills in the bathroom. I wrote a will and I am ready to end this agony Thinking of ending it on my 30th Birthday",Suicidal +18324,please do not reply to this ill just have to go through the process of filtering my words and thinking of something to reply just feel better posting this I am depressed as fuck and self harming does not make me feel better,Depression +18325,I want to die. But in an accident. A car crash or something. That way no one can blame themselves for my death. I want to die but I do not want to kill myself.,Depression +18326,"I am just existing and waiting for my death to happen, and I do not du much else because of my disabilities, and other issues. But really I cannot take this anymore, because it is extremely boring. But I cannot do anything in life due to my illnesses.I just can hope I will not make it to 80. Because 60 years of existing is very boring. I am 21.What do I do to cope with the Fach I can only exist? I am just waiting for my death to happen.",Depression +18327,"Guess should start of saying if you check my short post history I have obviously not went through with it yet. Although I have it currently planned out a lot better so I will go peacefully even if I kind of feel that would not be good for a part of the reason I want to go.Every day I am trying to further justify having no guilt wanting to kill myself. The latest reason is why do I have to emotionally suffer the death of my parents from old age/health issues? it is really not something I want to deal with (among many other aspects of life, some being a part of life bullshit, some my own doing), yet here I am born into this with only one true choice.There is lots of mentions of killing yourself is selfish, why? Surely it is just as selfish to produce a life and let it suffer at all the bullshit life has to offer? Or are people that want kids just delusional in some way? Have these people just never had any problems or just wilfully ignorant at what bringing a living thing into this world actually means? Why is producing life okay but having the choice to ending it not?",Suicidal +18328,"So I have basically come to accept that I have BPD. I have everything but a formal diagnosis which I know its bad to assume but after conversing with a friend of mine who is licensed to give out diagnosis as well as talking to someone who also has BPD and there words on the matter being ""you have described yourself the same way I did when I got diagnosed, as well as described feelings I have about myself that I have never found the words to do"". I think assuming is fair at this point.I am now looking back on some of my recent actions through a new lenses and taking responsibility for the things I have put some of my idealised people through which has recently left me with nothing.My actions recently stripped me of my job, friends who I can spend any meaningful time with, partner and housing. I was too wrapped up in desperation to try to fix it all. I am currently working through a program which suggests finding things to be happy about which at the moment is a struggle to lean on any aspect of my life considering; socially, professionally, personally and romantically everything went up in flames all at once.For instance the program recommends focusing on work which I cannot do because even trying to apply to jobs I am so desperate that I am getting nowhere. It suggests expanding your social circle but I have no friends left to even begin to introduce me to new circles (that are savoury atleast. I have many drug abusing people who would be willing to let me come along but its not a group I feel I am myself with which is something I want to avoid). Romantically I am fine leaving off the table for a while but it does mean finding somewhere to live is impossible without friends/a partner to move in with. My family is all kinds of toxic as well which would hinder my mental health further using them as an asset in any kind of way.Going to events to meet like minded people is impossible due to me not having any money etc, etc.I feel like all these aspects are butting against eachother, and as hard as I search for action plans they all seem to revolve on one of these aspects which I do not really have any of at the moment. I just need a way out really. I am trying to stay optimistic on rebuilding my life but whenever I sit down to attempt it it seems more and more impossible which just leads me back to despair. Building everything back up",Depression +18329,The thought of doing anything fills me with dread. Everything is exhausting. Dread,Depression +18330,"He is going to tell his mum I miscarried because he is ashamed. I feel like a garbage bin, I feel like a piece of trash, I feel disposable like this child is to him. I do not want to live anymore, I do not know how to kill myself successfully because I manage to fuck everything I do up. What do I do? I am so done with living.. please tell me how to die or give me advice someone. I am all alone with no one to love me. I have to have a termination next weekend against my will because my bf lied to me about being able to afford a baby.",Suicidal +18331,"My body, my mind whatever it was would not let me stop crying. I am or was in so much pain. I was numb. Bro this f*cking sucks. I just spent the last hour crying.",Depression +18332,He said he loved me and was proud of the man I am. I still get choked up thinking about it. I have always felt like such a failure yet this man has thought nothing but the world of me the whole time. My dad said he was proud of me yesterday,Depression +18333,"so i did not pass for application to my dream college and course though there is still a chance of my admission being reconsidered..despite that everything feels like crashing down,, my mum did console me but it was mostly ""god has a plan for you, etc"" (I am not religious nor hold any similar beliefs) or that it is not the end of the world although i feel that way, especially with my lack of will or determination in doing most things for the future.my family is aware of a past attempt and i guess the way i reacted to my college results end up worrying them,, ill still try to recover and improve despite my thoughtstldr: i failed my dream college admission but there is still hope, but please do comment words of hope of comfort outside religion or fate themesthank you in advanced ^__^ please send words of hope or comfort",Suicidal +18334,"About a month ago, I moved out of my hometown because of someone who i used to be close with. Being near her makes me feel all kinds of negative emotions, mostly because I am torn about what to really feel about our situation. I cannot fully hate her,maybe because I really loved her, in more ways than one. So I moved out, and I had my birthday recently. It was one of the most lonely birthdays I had, but some people still managed to send me birthday greetings, and some even video called me. I was starting to feel better about when I saw a notification informing me that one of my friends commented on her new post. When I checked it, it was a provoking post, subtly informing the world that missing some things in your life that were there for a long time (in this case my presence) can be the best thing that can even happen, with a picture of her smiling. I was so angry and sad and my depression starts kicking in again. After what I did, after giving up my proximity to my family and friends, the comfort I had, just to make things better, she just did that. I did not tell anyone why I left, just did, for her privacy, for no one to bother her, and this is what I get. And it sucks more because I have no one to tell this except strangers online. I just want this to end. I have been doing well for two months, but a post from that person makes me want to hurt myself again.",Depression +18335,My house has three floors. I know that jumping off of the third floor would not kill me if I landed on my feet but what if I went headfirst? If I jumped out of my window what floor would I need to be on to die?,Suicidal +18336,"I am treating like a machine for 7 years so, basically anything I say is just a waste,,I am always being forced to act a certain way,feel a certain way and talk a certain way so my opinion does not matter.I am only allowed to act happy and sh*t but over time I have lost the energy to do that so now I am 18 and I am about to get disown just because I am depressed,just because I do not smile when I am around people,just because I feel comfortable being alone now Life is literally confusing at this point",Depression +18337,"Its been very hard for many years that I felt I am happy, every moment that I suppose to feel happy, my anxiety and pressures tell me that I am not allowed. I have been ruined a lot of things, wasted a lot of times and chances, I feel like I am in debt to my life. There are too many things I need to but have not been done. They are piled up high. By only thinking this, I cannot be happy, I feel guilty to be happy for only some seconds. I just want to be happy (for a little while)",Depression +18338,"Just your average sandwich generation helping out family financially and with technology throughout this pandemic. And you know what? When I gave my aunt fucking money to pay for her fucking credit card debt worth 28k she told me ""I do not want your fucking money because you will throw it back at my face when the time comes because you are that kind of person."" And right when she was about to pay she literally asked ""Okay where is the money you are going to give me???""We paid, technically I PAID, and she went on and on about how bad of a person I was. No thank yous, no I will pay you backs, just insults. Fuck the older generation they do not deserve anything. And they blame me for being depressed and spending money on mental health that does not exist. Like they literally say my money is wasted for my consultations. Even bought a bike for myself using my own money and they go on and on about how much of a waste of money that buy was. But everything they make me buy for them they barely use. And they never call it a waste. Depressed as fuck but I am so angry about how fucked up this narrative of life is. Fuck that shit. People really be blaming you for just being you",Depression +18339,I cannot do a single thing right. I think I should kill myself I hate myself,Suicidal +18340,"Its all getting too difficult. I keep worrying everyday that I am going to die so much that I actually want to die now. I have been having numbness, visual disturbance and photophobia for around 5 years now and it is getting worse and all I worry about everyday is that I am going to die. I really cannot do this anymore. what is the point? I would rather kill myself than be killed by something out of my control. And I miss my ex he was the one person who made me want to keep living but now I do not have any motivation to do so Just do not want to do this",Suicidal +18341,its too painful for me.. I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +18342,"I have a lot of stress on my shoulders all I can think about is coming to my family but I cannot bring myself. I tried self harm, I think about death a lot it is just very hard I want to come out but I cannot so I just do not feel like I am myself and should be banished to the deeps of hell.Sincere apologies I do not feel great mentally",Suicidal +18343,"For f*ckin 7 years I have been treated like a machine,do what you are told and stfu,my opinion never matters,I am not allowed to make mistakes,I am not allowed to be myself and I never have a choice if I am told to do something by family members and etc.I have been isolated from having friends and if I do I will only see them for 2 years and that is it and now I feel comfortable when I am alone and I often do not feel anything anymore but for some reason when I am in my room for the whole day,alone and not bothering anyone...they say I am being rude but when I do the opposite of that I am still being rude and now I am on the process of being disowned just because I do not act like the other kids(smiles,laugh,act like everything is okay and make friends)all of that is now hard,I literally have no energy Apparently I am not allowed to act like myself anymore and my mental health clear does not matter",Depression +18344,"Long story short I was feeling like relapsing and killing myself so I texted a suicide hotline. I do not enjoy calls at all, to me they are very awkward and uncomfortable so I prefer texting instead. A bot or something like that asked me some questions and I answered, after I finished answering the questions it said someone would be with me soon. Well 20 minutes later I never got another message back, if I had got a message back I probably would not have relapsed :| luckily I never attempted suicide here because I forced myself to take a sleeping pill so I could fall asleep. But what do I do if this happens again?? I messaged a suicide hotline but they never responded",Suicidal +18345,"Every post here is basically a mirror reflection of my own life. In turmoil, a mess and hopeless. Nothing is working out.I will be killing myself. Goodbye. Not even going to bother with my life story.",Suicidal +18346,"After our relationship faced troubles, my girlfriend of 1 year walked away with the boy that bullies me in school because he treated her better. I cannot live with the pain I am facing in the past 2 months, I have attempted twice since that event and I went to a psychiatric hospital for 8 days that I lied my way out of. All I do is work 2 jobs that I hate and face loneliness, rejection, and the self blame and shame of my love leaving for my school bully, everything feels boring, long, and pointless now and I hate getting out of bed every morning, in the summer that is supposed to be the best summer (I am going into 11th grade) I just want to end it because life only gets tougher and more pointless from here I do not know what to do with myself",Suicidal +18347,Why do people care so much that I stay alive? I do not want people to care I just want to die. I do not have the strength to commit suicide but I so desperately want to. What the fuck is life? Why cannot I take it? What is existence?,Suicidal +18348,"My life is the definition of What goes on behind closed doors. On the outside everyone sees me as this rich spoil person. They think I am happy because I can have anything I want. They do not know about the trauma I went through. I learned that money could give you a happiness that could only go on for a while. At the end of the day, you are still going to be stuck with your problems. Behind Closed Doors",Depression +18349,I am done.This is not just my first but my SECOND time being homeless. And it is all because of that stupid narcissistic bitch of a mother.My counselor keeps telling me life is worth living but she is never been in my shoes.I honestly feel like she will say whatever.I can stay at a shelter but there is no guarantee that it will be safe and secure.I could raped for God sake. Should I die or be homeless? 23F,Suicidal +18350,"I am done with this life Period. My family is shit, most of my friends are shit, the community is shit, everybody is shit.Still i am too scared to leave this world, thinking about what will happen once i do it. Thinking about how everyone will think of me as a loser after i do it.What will the afterlife, will there be one ?, Will i just be born again. Will i meet the people from this world in afterlife, too scared. I want to commit suicide, but i am too scared of afterlife, can anyone advice ?",Suicidal +18351,"please just answer my question!which pills kill if I take them with alcohol?I have been considering carbon monoxide poisoning myself but I do not want to risk permanent brain damage, I just want to go unconscious and pass away quietly. what medication kills?",Suicidal +18352,"want to throw me a FUCKING BONE?! you have already fucked me over enough. I am glad this will all be over with soon. I know the method. Once I really hit rock bottom, I am outta here. Hey Universe",Suicidal +18353,"i genuinely feel as if were living the end of the world. it feels like nothing will ever get better. the world is so fucking depressing and cruel, that i see no other solution than to just go out on my own terms rather than die a more painful death. i do not even know where I am going with this. the world is fucked beyond belief and i just want to die how are people able to find hope right now?",Suicidal +18354,"I usually do not feel like this but everyday I feel less and less deserving of anything good in life. I am so deeply disappointed in myself. I do not know how Ill ever forgive myself or accept the several years I have lost. The years I wasted, missed opportunities, missed friends, missed experiences, missed freedom, missed money, missed effort.I am finally beginning to realise I am the problem. I always thought I was the victim of shitty circumstances, and I guess I was but I never fought hard enough to get myself out of anything. I do not how to function like a normal human being. I feel so much anger, frustration and resentment inside of me for every action or inaction I have taken in my life. Its so much to carry with me in my brain everyday. This pandemic makes it so much more impossible to make amends. I wish I could have my memory erased so I would not be mentally tortured for the rest of my life. How am I meant to live with myself.",Suicidal +18355,"No matter how hard I try to get on with people everyone either does not know I exist, bully me, or ignore me. Everyone hates me.",Depression +18356,"Yesterday was horrible, and the week has been horrible, but I always say ""maybe tomorrow will be better"". here is hoping for a good day for everyone, and if it is not then there is something with the time zones and for you it might be tomorrow... Today is a good day ( I hope) for me and you and everyone else.",Depression +18357,"How can anyone live like this.. thankfully I (23m) have a mom dad and a sister, but how can I make friendsI'm a socialable talkative guy that has made mistakes in losing my relationships with people. Life is so lonely and I want to start making new friendships No friends..",Depression +18358,And I am still exhausted.I just want to be gone from this world already I slept 14 hours,Depression +18359,What the title says... assume that meds like Prozac are not an option for me. Has anyone here found success in figuring out how to stop it from happening and ruining their lives... with the power of some other force besides medication? Greatly appreciated if you do not try to convince me to take them. Thanks ya'll. Is there a way to stop ruminating on negative thoughts without meds?,Depression +18360,"Like my childhood, I am quite sure my adulthood will not be happy. Everyone in here are ultra nationalist and religious. Everything is corrupted, the politicians are enslaved people. We all become poorer and poorer. Inflation is so high and it will be higher, unemployment rate is too high and for example you became a computer scientist but you cannot find a place to work, they say do something (unrelated to your degree) else and if you criticize that they say you do not like jobs. Nobody cares about the people who suffers. For example some terrible thing happened, everyone forgets that in 2-3 days. I am hobbyless because everything is so expensive. I want a life like 17 years old youngs from other countries but i will never have a happy life. I do not want to live. I am 17 years old and I am from a third world country.",Suicidal +18361,"I never achieve anything in lifeEveryone in my family have achived atleast something such as:My brother=he is smart My sister=got job staright after colleageMy mother=quite a lot of achivement actually i think one of them is being the only female that manage to get into college in her hometownMy father=he is very smart too,he teach in university but too bad he died 2 years ago because of heart attack :( wish i could join him Okay enough of this i have a problem every since am entering high schoolMy suicidal thoughts i getting haywireIs there anything i could do to keep it down? The helplessness feeling just doest let me relax at all I tried to change my habit such as exercising,reading fun book,doing my hobby but i cannot keep it up everything seems less and less interesting for mePls comments and tips on how to handle this,am fighting myself... Uh i need help",Suicidal +18362,"Well, I do not usually these kind of of things but 2 days ago I reached the ripe old age of 20, and I ""graduated"" senior high school. ""Graduated"" because I never actually did, I have been just lying to my parents for 2 years of my senior high, and my mother asked me which college I am going. I just responded in cryptic ways by saying ""there is delay in covid"". In reality I never attended grade 11 and 12. I have never like school because of the fake people. I did attend the first 4 months of 11th grade, and that is where I saw all the fake people. I scored the highest in 3 exams, and everyone was asking who ""my last name"" was, before those scores no one really ever talked to me, I was that odd quiet kid at the middle of the class. And I remember when I was 9th grade that I repeated because I was a lazy piece of garbage. I was still devastated, and so my 2nd year of 9th grade starts, I greeted my ""friends"" but they just looked at me with stabbing stares and payed me no mind. that is when I really hated people, I hated people who wanted to be my friend so they could take advantage of me. Years go by and during sometime around June. I just wanted to die, I was planning and planning that after my 20th birthday that I would either pull the trigger in some remote area where no one could find me. And then I reached July 12th. I had the gun all I needed to do was write my notes, give my savings to my parents and my younger brother, give away my stuff. 2PM of July 12th, I was listening to some songs on my bed before I take the bus to the middle of nowhere. But my brother (16) called me and asked if I wanted to play Minecraft with him and our cousin, so I said yeah sure, have a little bit of fun before going off. Then as we were playing, I was having so much fun with them, that I thought about everything, I thought ""how can I look after my brother if I am dead"" and other more thoughts came flooding in like ""I promised that I would buy my mother a mansion"" and ""how am I going to buy my dad a car that he wants if I die"" but the one that got me was ""dad has been risking his life in the seas for 11 years, how would he feel if he could not even see his eldest son's funeral, how would he feel if I killed myself, would he blame himself that he was not there for the majority of my life? Would he blame himself for being a shit father"", that thought was the one that made me break down in tears in my room, my father never finished high school, he only finished 8th grade, I heard stories that we were so broke when I was born that they did not have money to buy milk for me. So my father busted his ass at work, learned how to cook and got moved around to bigger and fancier restaurants, but that was not enough, so he studied a bit and applied to be a cook for a freight ship, I was 9 when he left, and since then he has never attended my birthdays because he was out at sea, working so we had money do what we want. He even gave me and allowance 4 months ago, he said that I should use that money so I could buy whatever I wanted, get myself fixed up, anything, instead of using that money to buy himself a new phone,he instead is enduring using an 8 year old phone. So that I could have an allowance for leisurely things, maybe he is doing this to get close to his eldest son, or he is doing this because he is an incredible father who loves his family. The fact that I rarely chat with him, and he still does this is amazing and proves that he is my hero, he really wanted me to be a cop, but I do not want to, it is not my passion nor my dream, he just wanted to see his son Graduate because he was not able to,I did not have the motivation back then that is why I lied about the 2 years of senior high school. I am planning on telling them everything, and my plans of killing myself is still lingering, but like my father, I am going to start from the bottom and claw my way to the top. I want to change, what is my passion and dream? To be a Pro MMA fighter or Boxer, in a fight of physical attributes I destroy my father sinc I am bigger and 19 years younger than him, but in a fight of heart and sheer fucking will, I am not match for him, not even a bit. I want to be known as the first Filipino UFC Champion, or the next Filipino boxing superstar, I realized that passion when I was in my 2nd year of 9th grade, a pahse where I just said fuck it and joined the boxing club. Thank you for taking time to read and bearing my shitty writing, I will not forget this moment, and once I make it big I will come back here. I love you all and I love you dad. Just want to tell the world about my father.",Suicidal +18363,"I am sure if this is the right sub for assistance. I just googled it and i am low on time. She has been bombarding me with texts and i have been careful in the response , incase i do not fuck it up. I am just worried she does not do anything stupid . Advice on how to respond and other help i can offer from a distance. A part of her [texts]( for context. One of my depressed friend who lives in another city is having a psychotic event right now . I am getting worried about the type of texts she is sending.",Depression +18364,"i feel like a horrible person. I am on the brink of going insane i feel like. i have a fear of being a pedophile, i despise them but i keep convincing myself i am one? I am scared of this it hurts so much.it seems to get worse the worse mental state I am in, when i feel normal i feel like i do not even believe it, that its just in my head. this past week is has been rough and I have been thinking about it a lot. the first anniversary of my moms murder is sunday and I am not sure if they are correlated or not. i feel like maybe i can solve this problem if i could talk to someone. i have a therapist and this is a very small town and i do not trust them, and there is not another one i can get realistically. my therapist is a anti-masker and anti vaxxer for fucks sake.if this continues i would rather die than have to think these thoughts. i believe i have pedo OCD and its ruining my mind",Suicidal +18365,"i thought that if i did well on my exams, i would not feel as worthless as i do right now. but i got a 100 on the most important exam in my country and instead of being happy, i just feel empty inside. i wasted so many tears preparing for it and it took all of my energy just to study and fight my depression. it should feel worth it. i should feel like my efforts paid off. but i still feel like a failure, nothings changed. i even feel like i do not deserve this achievement, because I am still just a worthless and depressed as i was before. someone else could have gotten my score, someone else should have gotten my spot at a university. what am i going to fucking do? i probably will not even live long enough to graduate.i know I am very privileged and i am grateful that i did so well academically, despite struggling with depression and other health issues. but it does not feel like a win. if i cannot even feel happy for my accomplishments, what is the point? i got a 100 on the most important exam of my life and i feel nothing",Depression +18366,Not really sure if anyone is able to reply with anything that is is not against the rules but I do not want to because to much trouble for people I want to die but i do not want to because a mess for other people around me,Suicidal +18367,"I am a Political Science graduate who had not used my degree to full capacity because, in my country, this is just a pre-law degree with nothing much to offer unless you proceed to law school. I do not want to become a lawyer in the first place, I just took this course since I was pretty much undecided as to what career I really wanted to have in life back then.After graduating at 20 years old, I was pretty much clueless. I am just taking whatever exams available, and although I passed all of the exams that I took, but I never got to use them at all.I enrolled in law school, but quit after 1 month because its not my passion.I passed the exams to be qualified as a policeman, but never entered the police corps because I had myself a tattoo before I even knew that I passed.Now I am 25 years old and spent the last 2 years as assistant in our family business. I thought I had a career going for me as successor to the family business until yesterday, at my parents reunion with their former colleagues and friends.I drove my parents to the venue of their reunion. My parents introduced me to their friends and soon after they talked about career and work. My dads friends kept bragging about their sons and daughters and how their parenting produced IT experts, licensed engineers, nurse, psychologists, doctors, ship captains, etc.I saw how my parents looked worried about not having to brag to their friends that their only son, at 25, still had no work experience outside of family business, and just lived off a small apartment owned by my parents.Conclusion, I really f*%ked up my life. If I could just turn back time and choose a more practical degree, I might have a professional career already, like the sons and daughters of my parents friends. But here I am, trying to learn and manage a family business because what other options do I have? If I refuse to manage our family business and my parents die or something, I am nothing. Knowledge in business is the only advantage I have left in trying to compete with these young professionals. Most of the time my contributions would go unnoticed which have led to my present state of hopelessness. 25, no work experience, felt like its too late to start over again and fix the mess I did back when I was still a bad decision maker.",Depression +18368,I am in a band. Things are going well for us and next week we start a tour and then we record soon after that. I feel incredibly fortunate to be in this band and love the music and the role I play.I feel agoraphobic and want nothing more than to live alone in another country where I can cycle all day and sleep. I always want to be asleep because its like being dead. I want to runaway basically. Please help me I just want to runaway and leave everything behind and be asleep. I really enjoy solitude and cannot socialise. I want to kill myself,Suicidal +18369,"I have a socialable talkable guy early 20's. But I was class clown in HS and became stupid and broke off many friendships from being toxic with my ex. How can I make friends. I go on social media and see so many high school past friends, old crew, etc loving each other which is all I have ever wanted. Just people to love and get love back. But I messed up. What should I do. How can I make friends..",Depression +18370,"My family seem to have completely ignored me after I let them know I have been suffering from chronic depression. The only person who is not family that I have trusted enough to tell is my ex-girlfriend. We broke up a couple of months ago and I find turning to her for help hard because I am honestly still in with love her. All I can do is lock myself up in my room all day and drink my sorrows away until the next night. I am lonely, I am sad and I am honestly just tired of living. Suicide's been on my mind for a few weeks now and knives or nooses are my only reprieve it seems. Fuck its embarrassing writing this Guess we really are in this alone together",Depression +18371,"First off I am not diagnosed. But I feel depressed. My ex left me on my birthday a few months ago. It was an ugly breakup and she is in my class. I am dreading going back to uni when it opens up. It hit me hard and I think I am still in denial about it. I spent an entire month working on myself, going to the gym everyday and studying hard. I aced my uni exams and was finally going to start my summer off. I went on a date with a foreign girl on my first day of summer and really liked her. She gave me COVID even though we were both fully vaccinated. Now I have to quarantine in my bedroom for two weeks. I missed a holiday that I was looking forward to all year. The girl will have left the country when I get out. I really have nothing to do right now. Just started my summer and I am focused on my part time job (work from home) and my thesis while my friends are on that holiday. I cannot find any more pleasures in my life. The only time I am happy is when I am at the gym. One hour per day. And football, but that has been closed down for a while and my club has been hit hard financially so I probably will not be re-signed. I am a guy with many interests but get bored of everything easily. My mental health has been down the shitter for a long time and this has set me back far more than I was post-breakup. have not felt happiness in months. COVID ruined any progress I made.",Depression +18372,I feel like hurting myself Things have been getting worse lately,Suicidal +18373,"I found a way to quite peacefully kill myself, but that is not the only thing. At almost all times I could be ready to do it in like 20 minutes.Since I discovered this I just cannot get it out of my mind, and unintentionally made a whole plan for it.it is just so hard, I just feel like I am not a person who is right for this world. Too weak to handel it all, too afraid to get older. I never velt like could do it, and the longer I life the less I feel like I can do it (I mean growing old). it is on my mind...",Suicidal +18374,"covid really destroyed any progress i had made towards being happy. i thought maybe id feel better when it started to come to an end but that did not end up happening for me. I have spent so many years drawing, and I have spent so many hours playing the video games i like and I am still not good at either. i am not good at literally anything and because of that i feel like i do not deserve to live. i am nothing. i will always be nothing. every day i wish that my abusive father murdered me before he passed away himself. i have all of these thoughts and the worst part is that i know they are irrational, but i still do not think i deserve to be here anymore. I am 19 now, i cannot imagine making it to 20. not good at anything, so i should just kick the bucket",Suicidal +18375,I have problems like autisim and ADHD and I have this passion for art...I think...ever since I was younger I wanted to be artist so I could animate...but each time I try learn how to draw...I either hit myself out of anger and upsetness because my one does not look like the one in the video or post...or I cannot do things right...I am going to fail my big exams...I may-aswell kill myself...I have got no future...I have lost my dreams...why must life do this to me.. I wish I could learn things.,Suicidal +18376,"(Sorry if this triggers anyone) I am sick of life I am a 16 year old loser, mentally ill (Aspergers, social anxiety, anxiety abandonment issues, trust Issues , sexually assaulted many times, and soooooo much trauma) i do not want to be a massive burden to my family and 1 friend anymore.cannot even make friends not even online (well only 1 but I do not want to burden them because they have their own life) I am the most boring person you will find in existence because I have tried so hard to like stuff and then just burn out so I have no reason to live no ambitions for what I want to be.Been a miserable person since I was born never been super interested in stuff. I struggle with EVERYTHING you name It heh I am that much of a loser I have failed suicide multiple times none of the multiple Methods I tried killed me (will not name them for the safety of others) but I have a plan now that will 100% kill me guaranteed.In school I am the loser that nobody talks too unless I speak to them first which hurts so bad because I missed school for months once due to depression and not one person even cared to check up on me and when I came back nobody acknowledged me. I honestly do not know how I am going to be able to support myself in adult life when I struggle so hard with basic social skills so this is another reason I want to leave this earth.My parents are trying their best with me and it hurts to see them stressed all the time so I am going to ease their stress, yeah they will be sad I am gone but at least they will not have to deal with a sad sack anymore. I know you may think its selfish, but i been in pain for so long I cannot take it anymore. Sorry needed to vent, also sorry for any bad grammar mistakes I am not thinking straight when typing this. TLDR: I am tired and sick of everything and just want to not exist",Suicidal +18377,"Tired of it all, its hard. I have had enough. I failed a lot of people. Ig Ill see how I feel in the morning but its just been a downhill battle this month. No idea how to go about it but I may kill myself soon.",Depression +18378,"I am currently feeling like it would be easier to take my ow life than carry on. My wife and I have recently agreed to separate. We also have two young girls aged 5 and two. The thought of not seeing them everyday is breaking my heart. I also feel like a failure. I suspect I may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder as my wife recently pointed out that I possess several of the relevant traits: I am highly sensitive to criticism, regularly have fantasies of success and, whilst I believe I can and do empathise with others, I am starting to question whether I do this simply because this is what good person would do. I also have very low self-esteem. With little-to-no idea of what I can do to improve this, I am feeling trapped and as though Ill never be able to improve my mood, make new friends, enjoy a normal social life, etc. Happiness just feels like a mystery; something I can neither understand or comprehend. It feels like too much right now",Suicidal +18379,"You guys post about killing yourselves yet you find excuses not to. If you genuinely ask for some ways to kill yourself someone here will provide a fake theory how doing it is too hard - so you do not do it - yet the group is literally called suicide watch. Basically all posts here are ""i will kill myself unless someone in the comments gives me a solid reason not to"" and then someone in the comments will feel proud about ""saving"" someone is life. I personally do not get it. Exactly what is the point of this group ?",Suicidal +18380,"every night i son and cry and promise myself that i will tell my parents i need therapy the next morning. and then i wake up and rethink, get scared, and do not do it. its a cycle and I am going to break it by tomorrow. I am giving myself a deadline and putting it out there so i do not ignore this any longer reaching out to a therapist",Depression +18381,I cannot do the only thing I bear even slightly in this shit existence because of my explosive anger Why the fuck am I still trying,Suicidal +18382,i could do so much during the day if i did not have to sleep. i always try my best to stay up as long as i can until i pass out because the act of falling asleep is miserable. i want to always keep my mind occupied. and even when i am tired i still cannot fall asleep so why even try. do not get me wrong. i love sleeping. the unconsciousness. but then comes waking up. and having to do the day over. and then not achieving anything. i just go go go until i crash. idk if anyone else does this or gets what i mean but ya. i just feel empty. I am so tired but I am also not. i hate having to fall sleep,Depression +18383,"I am currently on the waitlist for the trauma program in my current city. I have dealt with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I deal with flashbacks almost every day and I have no choice but to be reminded of my trauma. Last august I was raped and was thinking about reporting it, but I have no proof besides my word I have been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD. My only hope is that the trauma program will help me, and if not then there is only one way for me to go. I cannot get a job, I cannot cope, I have had old friends completely disregard what my abuser/rapist did and still continued to be friends with her. It makes me sick and I keep realizing that I may be like this forever. That it will not get better. I may end my life next year",Suicidal +18384,"I just turned 18 two months ago. It was never my plan to turn 18, I have always wanted to kill myself before I get to this age. Do you know any painless way to die? I have thought about it a lot of times. So, please do not tell me that this is not what I want or I am just confused. Just turned 18",Depression +18385,I will have the entire night to bleed to death and by the time someone breaks in my room in the morning I will gone for good. I am thinking of doing it on my birthday. I feel like slitting my wrists in my bed at night when I am tired and about to fall asleep is the best way to go,Suicidal +18386,"I made a suicide scale to help me gauge how i was feeling and to express it to others. I am going to share it with my friends and family. Not sure if you guys would find it useful but here it is anyway. # Glossary- Life Functions - Ability to maintain normal life functions (work/school, relationships, hygiene, health, activities required for living)- Mental Suffering - Level of mental suffering (Depression, Sadness, Lack of energy, Pain, Stress)- Coping Mechanisms - Status of coping mechanisms (coping strategies, support networks, ect)- Desire for Death - How death is seen as an option for escape from mental suffering- Current Status - My current status# Codes## Code Green - Normal Functioning- Life Functions - Normal- Mental Suffering - Low to Nonexistent- Coping Mechanisms - Matches or exceeds the stresses of life- Desire for Death - None- Current Status - Normal Living## Code Yellow - Depressed State- Life Functions - Significantly Affected- Mental Suffering - Significant- Coping Mechanisms - Insufficient- Desire for Death - None- Current Status - Seeking help for pain and suffering (medication, support, coping mechanisms)## Code Orange - Suicidal Ideation- Life Functions - Extreme Breakdown- Mental Suffering - Extreme- Coping Mechanisms - Failing- Desire for Death - Viable option for escape- Current Status - Deciding between death and other coping mechanisms to escape pain and suffering## Code Red - Passively Suicidal- Life Functions - Almost Unable to maintain- Mental Suffering - Exceedingly Painful- Coping Mechanisms - Almost Complete Collapse- Desire for Death - Easiest / Best option of escape- Current Status - Passively suicidal, welcoming death by external sources, disregarding personal safety, has a death wish, vague suicide plan formed## Code Black - Actively Suicidal- Life Functions - Cannot be maintained- Mental Suffering - Intolerable, unable to continue existence- Coping Mechanisms - Complete Collapse- Desire for Death - ONLY option for escape- Current Status - Actively attempting or about to attempt suicide with plan in place (Date, Location and Means) I made a suicide scale",Depression +18387,"Hello people, how are you?I am an university student and currently I am on my winter break. It lasts a month and its becoming tiring and really boring.As I said above, when I am free from any compromise like studying or anything else I feel sad. I become sad out of the blue, usually at night of course. I think of my life, of my friends and I usually get jealous of them (usually girls that i like hahah).However, I do not think my life is bad, it is just very plain and with no big things happening. It does not help that I live in a boring and small town in the middle of nowhere for now.My days are really boring because I do not have anything to do, I feel unproductive and I cannot focus on reading what I like. Nor practicing other things I like like languages or math. I am always listening to music (usually jazz, Frank Sinatra or old rock).In spite of this situation I go through every summer or winter break, I enjoy studying when I have to. It makes me feel I have a purpose to do what I am doing, even if I fail. It does not demotivate me, I kept on studying and trying. And I feel very happy and excited.Just that, It is not my purpose to seek any professional help nor I am desperate. It was just to share my experience, maybe as a relief for myself. I feel sad when I have nothing to do",Depression +18388,"In that dream I was a hunter with a double-barreled shotgun and had nothing else with me. I was walking around the forest looking for animals to hunt down and did not really notice anything else in that forest. But then when I tried to walk past a certain tree, a figure came out of it and kicked me with a full force where I collapsed and fell on the ground and I also dropped my double-barreled shotgun. They took a rusty looking axe and quickly hit me in the head with it and also stomped on the axe so it would go further down into my skull. After that they started dragging my dead body away. This is one of the most brutal things I have witnessed in my life. I have had yet another nightmare recently.",Suicidal +18389,"I have struggled with suicidal thoughts on and off for years and they have come back recently... on top of that all of my friends except the 1 toxic one have been ghosting/ignoring me, my laptop broke a few days ago, i gained weight, my mom has been fighting with me a lot more, and much much more... its making it really hard to stay but i know suicide help lines are almost always shit so I am asking you guys I need help.",Suicidal +18390,"I have tried to kill myself several times but I always chickened out. I am extremely worried that I have brain damage as I have tried to choke myself to death countless times, and I know there is 2 big arteries on your neck and when they get pinched you get brain damage. How long do you have to apply pressure to get brain damage. I am severely concussed right now, I did it on purpose to. I have applied pressure to my neck with noises belts. And I am so scarred about my head. I cannot take it anymore my brain hurts so bad, will it ever get better? I cannot live like this anymore. I feel so stupid. How long does it take to get brain damage via noose. I could breathe the whole time, if that helps. I never felt light headed during it. And I do not think I applied pressure for more than 1 minute. My head just is not the same anymore, it hurts so bad all the time. I have horrible concussion symptoms that get worse everyday. I simply cannot live like this anymore. I have no appetite and I am constantly losing weight. I only weight 114 lbs and I am 5'10"". If my brain does not get better I will be forced to kill myself. I used to be so smart, now I cannot think or do anything. I want nothing but to die and I have made many suicide attempts and am worried about brain damage. I want nothing but to kill myself. But if I survive it will just get worse. I hate life so much.",Suicidal +18391,Anyone feel less depressed or anxious since taking the vaccine? Weird one,Suicidal +18392,"I am 18 and I am depressed and no one knows, I have been like this for awhile now but it gets worse as the years past by, i remember the last time I have actually been truly happy and it was in the 6th grade. I have never felt at home when I am home. i hate my parents and even though they are not that bad i feel like they only take care of me so that when they grow old someone will take care of them instead of the actually loving me as the first thing they say when they tell me what job to consider is that they want that when they grow old that they will be taken care of. i also feel really shitty due to my social life not being that good i mean i have a few good friends but no one knows how i feel. my love life is also shit because i keep getting rejected which i understand cus who would want to be with a guy like me but what makes it feel bad is that i feel like people especially girls i like only want me when they need help in their studies, the constant rejection made me numb to it and emotional pain as even when i want to cry i cannot but i really want to because everyday my heart aches and i just want to release all this pent up frustration. i also have a lot of suicidal thoughts and keep thinking of using the kitchen knife to cut my wrists and slice my throat. i also feel like going to the college of my dreams is impossible due to me being just average. my life is so shit but i do not want to die I am just so tired of it because all i want is to be loved i just want to vent",Depression +18393,"No matter what meds I do, counselling, exercising multiple times a day, yoga, meditation, clean diet, talking to people, working, going outside, walking dog, drink calming tea, video games, watch videos. I still always have and will hate living. Depression makes my life pointless. I know ill be a loner forever and deal with depression forever. what is the point to life when my brain will not allow me to feel happiness ever. I am sick of this shit. This is true depression and I would not wish it on anyone. I really am so scared of death. Any time I get close I freak out. No its not because I want to live I am just scared. Survivsl instincts ig I never like living",Suicidal +18394,"I do not want to live anymore, only reason I am still here ist my mother, she is physically and mentally ill and needs daily care, despite I do what I can she is damaging my mental health, she is I will so I think it is not her fault but it hurts, I work a lot despite I should finish my university degree, I worked 230 hours last month and still cannot pay all my bills and these for my mother, my relationship with my girlfriend is no more than accusations from her. I have no electricity since 2 months, I cannot no more, I see nothing worth to live anymore, corona and the restrictions gave me the rest, took my friend I cannot anymore",Suicidal +18395,I do not want to close my eyes thinking about tomorrow. Then me actually having to go through tomorrow. I have anxiety and to think about how shit of a day tomorrow will be. And whether or not I will make others around me miserable too. Maybe if I do not wake up then I do not have to go through another day. do not want to wake up,Depression +18396,"About a week and a half ago, I was in the middle of a road trip, and the main plan was to go skydiving for our first time. I went with my roommates, a couple, and we did.Well, sort of. My roommate did not jump. it is whatever, but maybe not totally. Anyways, his girlfriend and I did jump.During the wait, and the climb, and when we were about to drop, I was nervous. But I was determined to do this for myself so that is what I did. As we plunged out of the plane (my instructor; tandem), we dropped for maybe 30 seconds free fall, pulled the chute, and floated to the ground. I initially thought it was crazy. Insane. Thought there is a chance I might die if the chute failed. But it did not. And while we dropped, I was a *little* scared, but as I landed on the ground I found myself disappointed. While I was hoping to feel something really genuine, I really did not. What I felt was fear, sure, but not actually life threatening fear, and had no adrenaline for doing it. I now, a week and a half later, feel as if I have done nothing in the past two weeks.Can I not feel something real? Is this all just an idea I foster for myself, that I can feel true excitement again? Or is it a lie? Can I really not feel things for what they are now? I have so many questions that I cannot answer, yet I cannot even bring myself to a counselor to figure this out.I do not know anymore. I expect nothing good from this, to be honest. I jumped out of a plane and found out I am more dead inside than I would originally thought",Depression +18397,I plan to kill myself using a Helium tank and a breathing mask. My life is full of confusion and suffering from negative thoughts. I plan to kill myself using Helium,Suicidal +18398,I am all by myself and I cannot do anything. The feeling is indescribable and it seems like it will never end. I cannot even think about the future because this horrible moment will not stop. Just stop for one second. Please Depression feels like an endless moment of pure emptiness,Depression +18399,"Hello, Things are a little stressful. Wait hol up, I am getting a fucking beer.To start, fuck shit ass is fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit because of fucking rough rucksack. Although fuck shit ass is fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit, so perhaps we have been ass fucked by fuck shit ass?However, fucking fuck is a motherfucking cunt moron fuck. Even though fuck shit ass is fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit. We musnt forget fuck ass shit either. He just was not physically until fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit Again, fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit. Duh, right?Most importantly, the main fucker on this shit of a fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit post has to be aware of fuck shit ass, fuck ass shit and fucking fuck. They play an important shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck. So who is to fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit here then? do not fucking shit it. The fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit.Thank you for fucking this up everyone and sorry I am just fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit and see you fucking shits.PS: Sorry I forgot about fucking rough rucksack. I give too much shit to him. I give a lot of shit but give no fucks.This post is meant to be humorous and brighten at least someone is day. I am not doing anything. I just imagined some emotions.:P here is to all of you @%!#",Suicidal +18400,"should not it be? Do I deserve anything less than sheer senseless violence? Its what I desire anyway, I literally fantasize about how much it could hurt, how gruesome it could be if I wanted it to be. Even more agonizing than that though is spending another minute pretending that this life is just a gift. Want it to be painful",Suicidal +18401,"i think about suicide almost everyday now , there has not been a day that i have not thought about iti look at pictures of dead people and i look for suicide newsthere is a lot of suicides on the news it makes me feel that I am not alone in this i really wish there was switch off button or somethingsuicide is very hard , all the pain a person has to go through,i thought where i can get a gun in this country but its hard, go to the army? but its at least 4 months before they will give you a rifle ,or i can try suicide by a cop at least it would be an peaceful death, thinking about jumping or taking a train, there are other methods but they are slow and unpleasant suicide is the only way out",Suicidal +18402,"I have often passively ideated it, but I feel like I am sinking more & more into active ideation where now I really do wonder if my story will end with me dying by my own hand. A huge part of me really really wants it all to be over because I am so tired of living in the US & being part of the system, but another part really does want the story to get better. Like maybe I *can* leave the country & end up doing something I love.I do not know if that is likely though. I think its super likely Id just end up sad & alone. I do not really have family. & all my friends have their own lives with lots of families & other friends. & I am so far out of the norm because I am not cis & I am neurodivergent & I do not even know much about falling in love because romance is a huge scary mystery to me that I just do not understand or really experience like normal ppl do. I like film studies though. & I love helping people. & I have had an excellent academic career so far (finished undergrad). Id really love to be a professor someday & help students the way my professors have helped me. Id like to help make education more inclusive & accessible. But its getting harder to be a professor these days. Grad school could be a lot more affordable in other countries, but I am not sure yet if there is even a film studies program out there for me that is still affordable. It might be a little bit too niche. A lot of the world is not friendly for nonbinary people. Its getting easier in some places, but its still hard. It makes me wonder if there is a place for me in this world when everything is the way that it is. I have friends who care about me, but even when I did reach out for help, so few answered. Only one sounded really genuine. I think everyone is tired of me. & that hurts too. I do not think Ill be ending things quite so soon, but its always on my mind. I keep asking myself whether living is really worth it & when, if not, will I finally initiate the final act? *Sigh.* I hate not knowing. I keep weighing the possible rewards of keeping my subscription to living against the relief of no longer having to pay for it. Even then, I still feel like I am in a trial period except I do not know when its going to end. When should I have a decision? I wish I knew! I wish it was easier. But who does not, though, am I right? Oh well. I feel like I am constantly deciding whether I am going to keep my subscription to life.",Suicidal +18403,About 4 years I did some acid for the first time. I remember it not being super crazy (probably did not take enough). Did a tab with a couple friends and all of us just felt like smoking weed for the first time plus a little of hallucinations with the popcorn ceiling. One thing that stood out to me was a thought that humans are just biding our time here on Earth or something close to that. It was a very clear thought and gave me hope for anything after death for the first time. Maybe ever? I do not think I was suicidal then. Not really anyway. The thinking about death a lot part but not making any plans. Maybe a year or so after and for the past 5 years or so it has been off and on suicidal thoughts/plans. I guess my question is whether anyone else has thought about this before or after having suicidal thoughts. Or if you have had high thoughts that help you. Its a very small comfort to me. That if I decide to do it there is something else that is worth waiting for. Acid thought.,Suicidal +18404,"Is being rude the new thing?Are there only 2 choices, to be rude or to be someone with whom everyone behaves rudely?And why cannot I make the choice to be rude? Why cannot I ever do that? what is that I am lacking? Self confidence? Or is it because I am sensitive? And if being sensitive is my weakness then why be sensitive? Why is everyone so rude?",Depression +18405,1. Revan (my dog)2. cooking and trying new food3. playing video games4. star wars.5. getting new tattoos6. Halloween7 watching thunderstorms8. Anime 9. want to learn how to play D&D10. reading books/listening to audiobooks 11. going to Buc-ee's made a list of why my life is worth living.,Depression +18406,"my boyfriend just broke up with me 2 weeks ago He said hes afraid of commitment but wanted try with me because I have told him over and over I accept him the way he is. He thinks the dark part of him is not lovable. so now he cannot commit to me in the future because he hurt me he says. A big reason of why hes afraid is he cannot commit is because his depressive behavior has pushed everyone he loves away eventually. His love language is acts of service. But my love language is words of affirmation because I have horrible self esteem issues (which I did not know I had until he pushed me away).this unlocked me pushing him more to reassure me, and let me to have massive anxiety and being extremely emotional around him. I was super clingy and begged him not to go but he forced the breakup because, life has proven that he has hurt someone by not being enough and not loving them right and that his demons are too much. I have started therapy and realize that maybe its possible to heal my emotional trauma and not require the words of reassurance once I have higher self esteem. But he does not believe me and wants to let me go so he does not hurt me more down the road. But a stupid part of me still wants to fight for him. Now I have been 2 weeks no contact. he reached out a week ago and said he missed me terribly and he keeps checking on me. but he does not sound like he wants to date me again because he wants to set me free. he sounds guilty now. asking me if I am ok, telling me to enjoy life and go out there and be happy. hes being selfless.I love him and he says he loves me. we both need space to heal rn. should I still stay there are a friend.. or something like that? after a little time of space? I do not want to abandon him in depression and he means a lot to me. my ex boyfriend has depression, thinks he does not deserve love",Depression +18407,"They said I am not putting effort but I felt like I was. I thought I was becoming better but I am not. How can someone be an unlovable piece of shit? How can someone be as dumb, ugly and stupid as me? How Do I Become Better?",Depression +18408,I cannot honestly do this I am running on fumes as it is everyday something horrible happens and it just spirals. I cannot cope I am trying so hard but nothing seems to help I cannot handle this I really cannot not another terror depressed filled day.,Suicidal +18409,"Fuck this shit, I am so angry, I cannot think straight, I am worthless, I have never mattered to anyone, I may as well end it, I mean who is going to miss me? My friends who talk bad about me behind my back? My parents who never make time for me and love my littles sister more than they ever could me? No one would, I am failing school, my meds do not work anymore, I am doing any substance I can get my hands on to feel normal or at least a bit better, why cannot life just be good? Idk, do not think I ever will but to everyone who took the time to read this, have a great day, and remember, do not do anything I would do I am so done",Depression +18410,"The argument as I drive to use again.I hear myself, you do not have to do this. But I need to.I do not want to remember who I am.I cannot keep thinking. I am tearing myself apart",Suicidal +18411,i hate my face. what ugly people should do to be happy i want to die because i am ugly,Suicidal +18412,"I have hypochondria, or so family says. In reality, I know I am fucking dying and there is nothing I can do about it. I am not planning on killing myself, but the idea of knowing there is a way out comforts me. What do I fucking do? I am so sick of being depressed, empty and stressed every single fucking day. I cannot fucking do this anymore.",Suicidal +18413,"I hate it when Someone tries to commit but lives and the first thing your gaurdian says is ""why do you want to die""... like- we do t want to die,we just want the pain to end. I hate this....",Depression +18414,"I want to off myself, but at the same time I do not. I want to be able to come back, no matter how painful or slow the method is. What is a suicide/death method that has a chance of me just being in a coma for a month or two? I hope someone is able to help. Also I have no clue if this is the right reddit to post it to but ykkkk I need help with suicide. Pleaseeee lmao",Depression +18415,I lashed out on a friend for not texting back but they had personal reasons to not text back and now I feel really bad. I do not want to screw up my friendships because I am oversensitive. It made sense to be mad in the moment but now I regret it. I can get really anxious or sad when I want to talk to people. I do not have many people to turn to and it sucks so bad :( I hate myself,Depression +18416,"I will be out walking my dog, appreciating the nice weather and the next second I think of putting a handgun to my temple and pulling the trigger. I would say the thought comes into my head probably every hour regardless of what I am doing. I have it all planned out (after my dog dies eventually) , I am going to sell and throwout everything I own, clean my empty apartment then donate all my money to an animal charity.Leave no note, goodbye texts or calls. All I plan to have left is the clothes on my back, a shovel and a handgun. Then head out into the woods, dig my own grave, lie down in it and do it. I figure this is the closest I can get to disappearing without leaving a traumatic mess for some unfortunate person to clean up and also saving the pain from my mother of having to deal with what to do with all my belongings. To be honest, I do not think I will ever do it though. Everyone in my family (on both sides) are super white and have been treated for skin cancer and everyone who has died that I know of has died of cancer. So my realistic plan is just to avoid doctors like the plague, spend lots of time in the sun, never use sunscreen and hopefully within the decade nature will run its course. I cannot stop myself from thinking about it all the time",Suicidal +18417,I feel like I am hanging by a thread. does therapy really help?,Suicidal +18418,"Why should I continue to go on when everyday is the same, like watching a rerun over and over all day every day and for what? I get treated like shit by all family members including my best friend & wife of 38 years Why?",Depression +18419,"I am struggling a lot rn and I ended up relapsing with my self harm. I called the suicide hot line TWICE. The auto voice would tell me to wait, give me my options and then music while I wait for someone to be connected to my line. Both times after around 15-30 seconds of music the call fucking hung up on me. All my friends were sleeping and the guy I am talking to is on some bullshit so no one was picking up. ALL I NEEDED WAS FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME I MATTERED AND THEY could not EVEN BOTHER TO PICK UP. This is so stupid. I honestly wish my first attempt never fucking failed. I am so sick of people in my life. The only reason I stay is for my family and my cats. I hate my life so much. Suicide hot line is shit",Suicidal +18420,"Deep in space, floating and suffocatingAll around me, just darkness i see what is before me, is the emptiness of spaceWhere's everyone else? Why is there just me? Reaching my hand out, in this emptiness so coldI cry my loudest cry, for someone to hold. But all there was, and all there isIs the emptiness of my heart, calling for me.do not leave me, alone, floating in fearHelp me, hold me, but nobody's near. Maybe this loneliness ends, when i shut my eyesAnd everyone crowds as i fall to the groundBut not to land on the Earth belowBut six feet under, where i feel i belong Then all you will hear is how you wish you were thereTo hold on to me, to keep me strongBut you did not know, how could you be aware?When if fought this battles all life long.So please call out, and save me from this darkand grant me the wish to keep my mind stillDont let me drown in this black space so bleakAnd give me the light, the strength, and the will By: Fyzan_fyzz211 Space",Depression +18421,"I have been to a lot of therapists, and one used to ask me every week ""Any suicidal ideation?"" I would always say ""No,"" even though it was almost always a lie.I have not ever really come close to killing myself. The closest I have ever come is pondering the logistics of killing myself if I ever decided to (e.g. method, location, etc). I have not gone to the store to buy rope, or bought firearms or anything like that (and do not intend to). The vast majority of the time, it is not even that. it is mostly just ""I really do not want to be alive anymore; it hurts too much.""But I guess I am not sure what the upside of telling this to a therapist? what is the point? I can talk about the stuff that is bothering me anyway; how does this add anything to the conversation?As far as downsides, being involuntarily committed to a mental institution is one of my worst fears. My understanding is that you can only be involuntarily committed if you pose a ""danger to yourself or others."" I do not think I do, but I also worry that telling a therapist that I am thinking about suicide will take that determination out of my hands. I would rather my therapist did not have to ask the question ""Does this guy pose a risk to himself or others?""I live in Pennsylvania, if that matters. Is there any point to telling a therapist that I am experience suicidal ideation?",Suicidal +18422,So every expert has told me that once I stopped smoking pot after awhile I would not be so depressed. Today after 4 weeks I passed a drug test! Problem is that I am still depressed like I was before as a user. Nothing has changed at all! I feel completely wronged. I am really thinking about just saying f it and smoking a joint. Anyone else have this problem? How could the experts be so wrong? Stopped smoking pot and still depressed,Depression +18423,I am ready to end it I just do not know how to say goodbye to my loved ones. I am ready,Suicidal +18424,when i find myself in a depressive state i try to think about things i have that i am grateful for but the feeling feels forced so it got me thinking oh maybe its because I am depressed and its making it harder for me to feel grateful about anything but like why why does depression inhibit gratitude?,Depression +18425,"One of my online friends is making suicidal threats. I try to help her but I am suicidal myself. I have suicidal ideation every day. Why do I try to change her mind? Should I try to change her mind? And why am I still alive? Life does not get better. Not for me. Maybe I am just blindly hoping it will get better for her. I do not want to die. But want to live like this even less. I feel like such a failure. I wish I could help her. But I can never help anyone. Not even myself. I want to just disappear. Maybe I am just a hypocrite. do not want my friend to kill herself, but I am also suicidal",Suicidal +18426,"I am 18(M), I was born to a well to do family and I enjoyed all the luxuries my parents offered me, I over enjoyed most of those luxuries to a point where I think I am spoilt(I am the only child to my parents), my parents were never strict, they would be mad for a short while if I had done something bad but overall a very loving parents. So two months ago my long distance girlfriend broke up with me, I have bipolar disorder and I was in my depression phase during that time. At the same time my university started with 2nd semester, I was very depressed because of the break up and I did not attend any classes(online) for more than 2 months(I know I am stupid),Today I got a phone from the head of department saying I am terminated from the university, my parents do not know about this yet, they also told me to bring them to meet the principal and head of department to collect my certificates and stuff.I do not want my parents to know that I have committed such a horrible thing, it would be an insult to my parents that they have raised me till this age only to hear I have been kicked out of university for missing classes, I lied to them saying I was attending classes regularly but in reality I was crying because of a breakup and my usual depression because of being bipolar, I do not want my parents to humiliated because of their son's grave mistake when they go to collect my certificates. I do not think my parents would forgive me for this one.I have not got any other choice other than ending my life, I have lived my life to the fullest in many ways so it will not be so worrying for anyone, I am sorry dad, I am sorry mom I never was a perfect child you wish you had, I am just a disappointing piece of human garbage who does not deserve to live.I have written my suicide letter mentioning the reason for my sudden demise for my parents to read, I do not want to see them bow down because of my mistake.English is not my first language so sorry if it was bit annoying for wrong grammar.Goodbye world, I thought I would live my life to the fullest and travel around the world, unfortunately due to my own foolishness I have to depart at the age of 18. Love you dad and mom I would really miss you guys, love you all my friends and other family members I hope you guys do well in your lives, love you my ex girlfriend, I am not pissed or angry on you, it is your right to choose what is good for you and not and my death is no way because of you it is all my fault for being this foolish, I hope you do well in your life as well. This might be a strange post, this is all my feelings coming together, this is how I feel right now before making the move, it is very overwhelmingly difficult to do this but I have not got any other choices.Thank you for reading kind internet stranger, goodbye. I never thought I would come to this point in life, but here I am",Suicidal +18427,"I am massive depressed. I fucking love drugs and alcohol but they fuck me and I work so hard and get no recognition, I just get shit on and shut out, Ik it is not anyone elses business, but I feel like I need a signifgiancwt place in other peoples lives in order to have value. But I feel like I do not contribute to anybody, I am just a leech and I do not want to be here. I am sure people would be sad, but really nothing would happen if I died. Honestly I feel fine though out the day, and I operate regularly, but deep down I feel really out of place and I am just excited to die. No one will care about me unless I die. Suicide had such a bad stimga, I honestly suicides easy af, I am just too much of a pussy to admit I cannot, I am like El macho man masculine bull., I am going to fuck so much shit up this year, If I do end up killing myself nothing around really matters, but it seems selfish to abuse the world because I will not be around. If you are reading this, just know, that all sorts of people are depressed, include mean cruel shitty people, like me. km going to get laid tho before I die I am an attention and I do not like who I am",Suicidal +18428,"I am back home I spent two miserable nights there. Seeing all those insane people was scary. I was seriously so scared. I thought things will be fine once I come back home but no, I am still traumatized. I feel so out of place and empty. I feel so weird and uneasy. I want to stop thinking about that place. I do not want to go back there but everything reminds me of that place. My depression was a bit less intense for 2 days because I was scared if the mental hospital so there was no time for depression to attack me. So now I feel like something very important is missing from me, which is Depression. And I feel so empty. I do not know what I should do I feel so weird and empty. Trauma from the mental hospital",Depression +18429,I always try to seem happy around others but when I am alone I just want to end it all. Just help,Suicidal +18430,If I could live without the pain it would be so much easier. But I cannot. I have reached out for help so many times and no one has any concern about it. I do not know what to do anymore. I wish the pain would go away.,Suicidal +18431,"I have dealt with depression all of my life. So I am used to it, but a few years ago I started to recover and things were awesome then the pandemic happened. Now my life is ok, but everyone and everything around me is falling apart. I thought I was okay, but as the months go on I am realizing I am not okay.I am scared for the future of myself and my family in a way I never have been. I lost my friend group during the pandemic and I am not even really keen on trying to talk to anyone. it is like I am waiting for the shoe to drop, but I am not sure what that even is? Like I am on edge for no reason. I do not feel motivated to do anything. I woke up a few days ago and watched aquarium videos for the entire day. That was it. Not sure I even moved much. I do not even attempt to play games, use my computer, or any of my projects. I find myself tearing up for little reasons. I know it all points to depression, but it feels like no other kind of depression I have ever had. I do not really know why? There was not a single event or anything. I am on cymbalta, but I have been on a stable dose for years. So it is not med changes or medication. The weirdest depression",Depression +18432,"Hey all, first time poster here. I need some help.Not too long ago, my partner suddenly decided to cut-off all relations with me, and it seems she no longer wants to be associated with me anymore. Apparently this was because her friends did not approve of me or something (?) she explained how she still liked me, but her friends thought that I was weird (despite them not even knowing me) so ig she just felt embarrassed being around me, and so decided to leave me. that is essentially the message I got. honestly I am still so confused. she went from totally being in love with me for awhile, then decided to break up with me seemingly over night. just because her friends did not like me or whatever.I spoke to a close friend of hers about it, and they had their suspicions on jealousy and peer pressure which seemed to make sense ig, but they also had no idea. I was not particularly keen on them asking her about it.Idek, but I am absolutely gutted. I honestly loved her so much. I have been feeling so depressed lately. I literally lack the motivation to do, well, anything. I have not eaten much since then, and I cannot even concentrate in class properly. Its horrible. I am so confused and frustrated, I literally cannot stop thinking about her. It keeps me up at night.Do you all have any suggestions for me going forward? please help me! T-T I feel lost and alone",Depression +18433,"Whenever I get triggered, I get this immediate reaction to start wishing for a life without my personality issues. That often leads me to question why I have these problems and answering them with oh yeah its because of my mom who abused me to no end and kept the torture up until I was about 22. So when the feeling is strong, I imagine myself taking a knife straight to my stomach in front of everyone who cannot understand my pain as a form of protest to show what this kind of upbringing can do to a person. I would never wish my pain on anyone. Trying my best to find reasons that make life worth living. Sometimes I do but even then its really sad and embarrassing to admit those things are not enough when I know I am quite lucky to have any moments at all. I do not really know why I am alive. I feel like I just wake up, get triggered, go to work, repeat. Realized I want to kill myself to prove a point",Suicidal +18434,I am an addict and recently have relapsed and I feel like shit I have relapsed,Depression +18435,"I have attempted 2 times suicide, yet I am still living... Why? Why cannot I just die?what is the point on living anyways if nobody cares about me or what I think? I have come to a point where I no longer want to live because I just cannot enjoy life, I am just waiting slowly for the day when my time to rest come. I wish at least my boyfriend would care about me... But apparently I am not important enough... Not even to my family or friends... If there is no one for me, then I do not want to be here anymore. I cannot control me...",Suicidal +18436,It been a while since i wrote the last month has been pretty decent i thought i was doing better that life was looking up for me but today was just a really really shitty day I am sitting right now have a mental break down sobbing and shaking it just reminded me of how pathetic and hopeless i really am it reminded me that I am useless and a wasted space and that all i really am i was so fking stupid to believe that thing finally getting better now it coming back to bite me. Now I am overwhelm with this sense of hopelessness my suicidal thought are coming back i do not want to live anymore life never get better I am never going to get better no matter how hard i try i hope future me remember that if I am still alive that is stop being a fking idiot and believing bullshiit. I should die i do not need to be alive,Depression +18437,"it is amazing, how replaceable I am. He left because my depression makes me worthless, he found a woman who looks like me, even has my name. My therapist just tells me I am obsessive and cannot get over it because I am so egotistical. So I got a new therapist, who says I have deluded myself because he never loved me, and that I need to just ""decide to let him go"". But if it was not love, what should I call it? It is the closest I have ever had. Every day, I think ""there is truly no point in living, is there?"" Every day, I wake up and confront the fact that I am alone. This will not go away. It cannot, because nobody wants broken things.Sometimes, I think if I had just hidden it, maybe things would be better. But I was right to be honest, he deserved to know what I was. Worthless. He wore the shirt I bought him on a date with a girl who has my name",Depression +18438,Idk when or how but soon. I will likely hang myself. Idk if I will do it at home or at a hotel. Idk if I want my friends to find me like that. I just have to make myself do it at some point when no one is home. I have decided that I will kill myself,Suicidal +18439,"I cannot sleep. Too many intrusive thoughts. I really hate myself.What can I do in the moment to feel better? I am tired of drinking, smoking, cutting, and binge eating to deal with my depression. I have a therapist. Sometimes I play music, paint or write, but in this moment, I really do not have the energy for any of it. What do you do to feel better when you do not want to exist anymore? Need some advice",Depression +18440,"It seems stupid to most people I am guessing, but I just removed all of my piercings and flushed them down the toilet. They gave me a sense of being more feminine.I think I am going to buzz my hair again, because it looks like shit anyways due to male pattern baldness. I am going to start getting rid of more of my furniture and give away some of the expensive things I bought. Maybe someone else enjoy them. I gave away my nice baking stuff already, and my GoPros. I just put stuff in the hallway with a free sign and its gone. I smashed my oled tv already, and my computer monitor. I need to figure out how I can get rid of the those now, I do not think I can just throw it in the trash.I have a date this Saturday that I want to bail on, but I am still going to go. I need to stop trying to meet people, its not like I can use someone else to try to be happier anyways. I always hear that you need to love yourself first before someone else will love you anyways. I kind of hope the date goes poorly, or she says she is not interested in seeing me more. That will really motivate me to take care of this problem I have.I do not think I am going to leave a note. I have written some before but there is nothing much to say.I think the nice thing about having epilepsy is that I do not have to OD on anything, I can just stop taking my medication and my body will take care of the rest. Piece by piece",Suicidal +18441,"I am declining. And no one gives a fuck about me. No family, no friends, no partner. Nobody fucking understands. Everyone has at least someone they can go to. I do not. I stopped college. I stopped being a vegetarian after 6 years",Suicidal +18442,"I have been very ""brave"" lately about taking action, but fear has been consuming me in a way that I have been doing nothing for days. I gave up my job, I am thinking about dropping out of college (this will happen at some point) and I am always looking blank at nothing, I cannot project a future and I cannot change my present because I feel it would not be ideal for myself by starting a cycle of ""I look good, I look bad"" when I am always bad. That said, would clinical support through a psychologist or psychiatrist help me and project my future life? I have never been to a specialist because the consultation is very expensive and the consultations that the state offers are for more serious cases, so I want to know if it will be something that can help me or if it will just be another person saying that I need to cheer up and win this bad phase, but in a more technical way. Will clinical support help me live or will it be a temporary solution?",Suicidal +18443,I have always wanted to write a novel and have actively started world building for it but I do not know anymore if its worth it or not to bother finishing it. Should I try to do something with my life and see how that turns out before killing myself,Suicidal +18444,"My family only sees me as a source of labor, and I have driven all my friends away by being a recluse.I am too much of a coward to off myself, I just wish I could suddenly stop existing. I wish I could just drop off the face of the planet.",Depression +18445,"Hi, I am in a phase of depression that makes me really desperate. After years of neglecting my depression or thinking ""Cool now I am cured"", I am starting to realize that this shit is going to come back at me again and again and again if I do not change my life fundamentally. Which I did not want, because I was (unsuccessfully) hunting for money.I am waiting for therapy and was wondering if there are any books you can recommend that helped you understand your condition in a better way. I find it very hard to distinguish between my own thoughts and ""the depressions thoughts"" to a point where I can not trust my thoughts and feelings anymore and question basically anything I think, feel or do. Books for depressed people",Depression +18446,"I have been taking fluoxetine for a few months, and now I really miss my old self, crying praying to be dead type self. I am not sure why I miss it but it makes me frustrated that I do not spend hours in my bed sobbing all night. Going to stop taking my pills tomorrow.",Depression +18447,"Felt that way since middle and high school classmates started seeing my early stages of depression as ""seeking attention"" while being rejected by crushes often and bullied since fourth grade and abused by my dad and neglected by my mom because she is powerless to stop the abuse because she is a victim herself. With that being said fast forward to today.Now I am in 25K of credit card debt living in regret. Suicidally depressed and still getting rejected online and dealing with friends who are in relationships and make no effort to spend time with me when I need it when I break down mentally. Dealing with an abusive older brother and relatives who are oblivious to the abuse and do not know about my debt and severity of my depression not that they would care.I feel like i cannot trust nobody. I have nobody to talk to when I am lonely. Nobody fucking wants me, nobody cares about me because otherwise i would not feel lonely and the need to make these posts that nobody will read on this cruel fucking website full of toxic assholes who do not even care about anything that is not riddled with upvotes. Working jobs that do not make enough to cover daily expenses and even constant family drama involving me, my depression, diabetes and my lack of exercise due to excess sleep due to a culmination of the three illnesses making me want to sleep and never wake up.I want sweet release, i want to escape and since it is so fucking easy for everyone else to get into a relationship and get married and shit. Fucking hell even abusive and neglectful women I have met who treated me like shit get away with it and go on to live happy lives. So fuck it. I am not going to care anymore. Everyone always seems to lie to me about how everything is going to be okay while I am here still suffering even after taking Lexapro on the daily making me impotent and doing nothing to help with my sleep deprivation. This world sucks and something has to be done about it.I hate living here and i wish I never should have been born. Because then i would not be abused, neglected, touch starved, emotionally drained and lacking basic human needs like love. People say everyone deserves love right? SO WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO GET IT? PEOPLE ARE JUST CRUEL. that is why I will never care or empathize again because if life taught me anything it is that cruelty and apathy pays the big bucks in this depraved world. Depression taught me i cannot trust people anymore",Depression +18448,"Hello all,I just need to vent a bit about my current situation and hoping I can get advice or a simple ear to listen.On my birthday in late May, I was visiting a friend and had an accident in his home. I fell down the basement stairs, busted my head open, and was barely breathing. I thought this was one of my best friends, but he never once visited me in the ICU or hospital and now we rarely speak. Its breaking my heart.3 days after being home from ICU, I received a call that my grandfather passed away. I still am incapable of processing this.I am currently on disability leave from work and I get paid 60% of my salary. It has been almost 2 months but nothing has improved. All day long I am driven around to doctor appointments and feel like a helpless child. I need to go back to work as soon as possible and cannot fathom being able to handle my usual workload.My anxiety and depression is the worst its ever been. I thought it was awful in the past but I was wrong. I cannot sleep until 5am because I am paralyzed with fear. Nothing makes me happy. I have no interests and cannot do basic chores because I simply do not care. People love me but I feel like I am not good enough for that love. I recently switched to a new psychiatrist right after the accident. My previous one was okay but I was hoping to find someone who understands my needs better. Well, the appointment today with the new psych went terribly. She decided to cut my anti-anxiety rx to 1/3 of my prior dosage which I have been taking for many years, upped my mood stabilizer even though she is aware that I have tried this in the past and higher doses make me very dizzy (and I am struggling with dizziness as a side effect of my brain injury already.) Then she added a drug which gave my boyfriend horrible tremors and ticks. I told her all of this made me incredibly uncomfortable and she did not care. I had to call the pharmacy right away and tell them not to bother filling the prescriptions and to take her name off my file. The last thing I need from all of this is to raise flags and look like a doctor hopper! I am waiting to get back in with my previous psychiatrist.Bills. More bills piling up every day. I have a huge stack and can barely pay rent with my 60% salary.I live alone and today was the worst I have had in years. I am not planning to harm myself but am struggling with a reason to continue living. I was happy before the accident and now I feel like an impostor in my own life. Brain injury, betrayal, family death, and depression",Depression +18449,Al fin y al cabo nunca soy lo suficientemente capaz Que me quiero matar y aparentemente a todos les importa un bledo,Suicidal +18450,"I am sure many here can relate but do you feel like out of an already small friend group, if you can call them friends, you have always been the person who would be voted off the island first? The one who would not be invited on a trip if a car had 5 seats and your group has 6. Like there is always an additional group chat you are not part of I feel like there is this missing piece of me that would otherwise make me likable to others and I am not sure what I do wrong in my life. I know its a me problem because it has followed me everywhere my entire childhood and I am close to 30. Its not my anxiety brain and I have been in situations where my fears of being hated by my friends were confirmed.Why do good friendships seem to come so easily to some? Even though they are not necessarily even good people. I am not sure where I went wrong. The it factor some people have that I do not",Depression +18451,"I have made many attempts at strangling myself to death but I always chickened out after a minute.I could still breathe, what are the odds I have irreversible brain damage. I was not aware that I might get brain damage and I am quite concerned now because i have tried to put bags over my head also but I never passed out or got close to it. I am still very suicidal and I get mood swings and I am worried I might do again. How long does it take to aquire brain damage, via lack of blood flow through the articles on neck.",Suicidal +18452,I feel like I have actually achieved something I just threw away the blades,Depression +18453,I cannot laugh. cannot smile. My mom told me a funny story and she was laughing so I was trying to force a fake laugh at least to not look so straight faced retarded. Ugh I am so dead inside that I cannot even pretend anymore,Suicidal +18454,Does anyone know a quick way to kill myself? The fastest way to die?,Suicidal +18455,[ take paxil at the bottom it says it increase violent behavior by 10.3xI am so mad right now I feel like suing somebody. I KNEW I was getting worse!I really think something is wrong here with Pharma. What the heck is going on here?????? THIS IS CRAZY SSRI INCREASE VIOLENT BEHAVIOR 10x MORE (MINE),Depression +18456,"I experience almost constant sadness and every time I try to think of or do something that makes me happy it is only temporary and all of the sad feelings and thoughts come back. I feel as if I never will be good enough for anyone or to do anything of importance. I do not have a job, I stay at home and I am alone most of the time and I have no friends. I just feel so stupid and I think everyone else in my life feels the same way about me. It hurts so bad to not have any confidence in myself and to feel like I am literally worthless. I try to talk to my family but nobody understands and my husband just gets angry and frustrated with me when I try to tell him what is going on and he makes me feel like I am exaggerating or being dramatic. I am having trouble getting pregnant too and I am so scared that its all my fault and that is just another thing to add to why I feel useless as a person. I already feel like a shitty wife and if I cannot have a baby that makes me feel even worse. I hate the way I look and I even just hate my personality in general I feel like I annoy everyone I talk to and they cannot wait until I shut up and go away. I have been suicidal and self harmed but it does not make a difference. I cannot sleep, I am starving myself bc I am overweight, and I cry almost daily. I feel so alone. I wish somebody could understand",Depression +18457,"I hate almost everyone and everything, and then some. I can count the amount of people I care about on the fingers of a single hand. That is all, I do not have the energy and I do not give a fuck enough anymore to put effort into anything. I will not miss this place AT ALL when I am finally gone. This place is hell",Suicidal +18458,"I am a high school senior going to a T25 school next year. I have a good group of friends, and in general I am pretty well liked. It seems like I have a pretty good life, but the thing is I am really sad on the inside. Earlier this summer, I was rejected by this girl, who I really really really really liked. She claimed that we were going to college in two months, and she did not want to ruin our friendship. Now, that girl and I, who used to be best friends, barely talk. I still have feelings for her, and it sucks because she hangs out with my other friends and her new friends, but never with me. She was also flirting a ton with one of my friend's friends at a party (nothing happened between them), but it still hurt to see that. Literally every time I get drunk at a party, I just get sad now, and I always bring her up. I cannot stop thinking about her. And it is not just that - it is the fact that I have never been with a girl that makes it even more depressing. I have not even had my first kiss, while half the kids in my grade are having sex left and right. Two of my female friends even told me today that I have no game, and that I am too nice to get girls. I literally do not know what to do, and I just end up feeling sad and out of place all the time. I cannot get over the girl, I cannot get her out of my head, and watching her have fun with others is just painful. Idk what to do. Any advice reddit? I am so sad",Depression +18459,"Its just a bunch of constant bullshit. A bunch of Stress, anxiety, depression, and then you die in pain. I am starting to wonder what the point of living is? I hate everything and everyone, get me off this fucking this planet already. Fuck life",Suicidal +18460,"I do not know I trust easyer woman, I seek affection and validation from than, thy can stap me in the back or even in the front and I have no Groll against them.. I am most of the time alone and even that I had fplus and girlfriends it feels like I am a stupid fly that cannot fly out of the window and smatsches against the class all the time. I am hurt and broken from woman but I know not all woman want to use me or hurt me but I also know that my love encounters fuck me in the end real up... Some times it feels like I am under a spell and other times if it was a drug...I just whant love, affection and trust but I am not worth it and I am only so much worth what I can provide..I am always there all the time even for (f)riends but never is one there for me if I have a down time, I cannot be weak but that is what I am, a weak basdard that Wirte shit on reddit but nothing will change... I feel like woman have so much power over me",Depression +18461,"Just seems to be an ongoing cycle I cannot get out of.. I have been through hell and back more times than any one person should have to.. I do not trust easy because of this hated myself for an extremely long time and often thought about ending it all.. but then a guy came along, promised me the world made me believe he loved me gave me a reason to get up each day and carry on then all of a sudden.. nothing, no phone calls no texts I am being ignored like I am something that did not matter to him at all.. three months of silence let me tell you that hurts more than you will ever know, I do not no what I did but it hurts like hell, guess I was right about me all along.. I am not worth it, I do not deserve to be happy thanks for the wake up call. Thrown away like garbage.. again..",Depression +18462,I do not love anyone I am drink as duck at 16 and I fuckingn shtebyou why does boo even love me i funding have hate me I do not want me anymore but it keeps going and I do not even want love I cannot be okay for you anymore,Suicidal +18463,Ill be here tm and when I take my last breath. I am already therecant fucking give up anyway and living will always be a fucking lie. Always.your just afraid to dieeeee yeah lol. All there is to me Just erase it there is no fucking point,Depression +18464,"I am sorry, I let you down. I am sorry I would get frustrated at you and tell you I hated you, I am sorry I told you to go away all those times when right now all I want is for you to be beside me. I am so scared you will hate me. Please consider that I am sick and not thinking right. Please understand I love you but I just do not want to be here anymore. Today you called me, and you and I had a good conversation, remember that, that you and I laughed together before I left. I know neither of us believe in an afterlife but I hope were wrong so I can see you again To my brother Alec",Suicidal +18465,Just kind of want to let it out and text some one for the first time in awhile preferably some one in there teens and going for a hard time aswell Looking for somebody to talk to,Suicidal +18466,"Hi, I hope everyone is doing well,I am just really struggling right now. No need to dive into it but I have been SH free for a about 6 months and I really do not want to fall back into it although I am just dying to. The relief and peace I feel during is like nothing else, but as soon as the realization hits, I feel SO ashamed and stupid (and scared for some reason) So if you have anything that helps and REALLY works to distract from doing it, please share if you feel like it. (Already searched the web, but they all say the same thing) Thank you What are the best ways to distract yourself from SH ?",Depression +18467,"This is a throwaway as my friends and some colleagues know my main reddit. Also sorry if this is not the right subreddit.&#x200B;To start, I had a pretty good upbringing and almost no problems at all. I went through school without much trouble. My parents were good to me. Really, nothing to complain about. But, I just do not feel joy in anything at all, hobby's I had just feel so mundane like everything else. I quickly get annoyed or just drained when I am able to hangout with friends. When I am alone for too long, my thoughts just get so deep and sometimes get suicidal. This has been going on for sometime.Despite Covid-19 rampaging around, I could find a somewhat decent paying job. I drowned myself in work, just so I could not think at all. My colleague and now somewhat close friend was worried about me working too much, but to be honest I do not mind it. That was until she made it clear I was really just living to work the past year. I recently made a promotion to a supervising position, but frankly, it does not do much to me. it is not that I miss my old work that much, but it just does not trigger anything inside of me. If anything, I am sort of left with a bittersweet feeling. This is just me in a nutshell. A 22 year old who had a normal upbringing who for some reason has no joy in life or a goal at all. Why",Depression +18468,"A long, warm, cozzy hug. But i do not have anyone... I am just writing hopeless text that will not help me... it is so hard to accept that you will be lonely for the rest of your life. To accept that you will fall asleep every night wishing for a hug that will never exist... I need a hug...",Depression +18469,"I wish I knew how to help but I am scared if I tell my mom she will get stressed and that is the last thing I want especially since she the reason I am sad two years ago near the start of COVID my mom drover herself into a train. I remember my dad telling me that she could have died and that we got about as lucky as anyone can get. One day I visited her in the hospital I hugged and let her know I was glad she was and she started to freak saying that she thought the nurses were trying to poison her me and my dad had to leave so he took me to an breakfast place, and just a couple days ago I went back with my family including my mom and almost started crying. I do not know wether to tell my family or to just suck it up and keep living normally. I have been sad the last two years",Depression +18470,It sucks I cannot seem to just be happy just be normal just fit in somewhere just cannot get the words kill your self repeating over and over in my head all day long just leave my bed just turn on the light just enjoy something just get rid of the self harm scars that covers my thighs completely just be brave just fucking end it already Really fucking sucks,Depression +18471,"During the day, I always feel so anxious to the point that I just stay in my room and do not leave my house. But at night, I get huge waves of sadness and hopelessness. Sometimes, when I am trying to fall asleep, the anxiety comes back. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I want a diagnosis so baldy for treatment and validation, but I am so scared. I am pretty sure I have undiagnosed depression and anxiety",Depression +18472,To me it seems like something everyone struggles with sometimes. I know it is a serious thing but I just do not understand why it is not normal. Is it possible to not think about suicide sometimes? I think about it often last year I thought about it every day. I had a pill bottle in my closet I had a plan but I knew I would never do it because it is too scary I am afraid it will hurt and that I will fail the attempt. No one ever knew because it feels stupid to tell someone I have the thoughts but I am not actually going to do it I just think about it. If a few years ago someone told me they were suicidal I would have been shocked and kind of scared but if someone tells me now it is just a normal thing to me. It see it as something normal that happens to everyone. Like having a bad day everyone has bad days sometimes. But I have those thoughts too so I should understand that it is a very serious thing but I do not Are suicidal thoughts normal,Suicidal +18473,"A little over 2 years ago I was seeing a girl that would have been the closest to a girlfriend I have ever had. We were both in bad places when we met. She hurt herself, and blamed me. I was at my lowest point of depression. Everything she put me through nearly pushed me to ending it all. After nearly jumping 3 times I decided to tell my therapist, and I was re-diagnosed as bipolar type 2. Within a year I was not suicidal anymore. Now, I may be still fucked up and traumatized, but I am stable. I can feel happy again. I hate that she was the event that led me to save my life. I wish I could just forget her and the trauma she caused me, but I cannot. she is an integral part of my life and the changes I made. I cannot change that. I just hope this trauma does not haunt me forever. I hate that the girl who nearly ruined my life was the catalyst that led to me saving it.",Depression +18474,"""I was once a flower. My petals were small and wilted around the edges, for as I was growing I did not receive enough sunlight. That did not matter to you. You were a caterpillar. A hungry caterpillar. You ate my petals. You savored their flavor. Day after day you would take the tiniest nibble from me. It took years before you had eaten me away until I was nothing. By then, everyone had forgotten I was once a flower. I remember.""How do you interpret this? How do you interpret this?",Depression +18475,"I have been cutting my arms up with a razor. I genuinely hate being alive. I do not understand why I have to do this, why do I have to go through so much shit while hes out there minding his business and is fine. He always wins. And I know the world does not revolve around me but can I at least have just one little win? Nothing big. Just something. I never get it. I try so hard everyday. I am stuck here because what I have been doing to try to end it has not been working. I do not want it. I never did I have attempted suicide 4 times within the past couple days",Suicidal +18476,"Not too smart to be considered a genius, not too rich to be considered a billionaire. Always falling short somewhere in the middle.it is just the same repetition of things everyday.Wake up. Do something. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.This is the worst cycle a human has to experience. I know this is not the worst of the worst, again it falls in the middle. I wonder how people who live long enough managed to do this. Everything is just boring. The indifference I feel every waking moment is detaching me from reality. it is just mind numbing, I just feel really, really blank. I deeply apologize if this is not the right sub. Also if you see this, I am grateful. Maybe I will just wait long enough to experience pure joy. If something like that exists.... I hope so. Living an average life is slowly killing me",Depression +18477,"Hi. This is my first time posting on reddit or just any community. My therapist told me I have depression so I am posting it here sorry I do not know where else to just VENT so I hope I can vent here and talk gibberish. Maybe that will help? I am in my late 20s and I am currently taking care of my mentally disabled family member but I think my other family member is soon going to take over that so no more responsibility yay! The thing is though, I am just ... so tired. So so tired. I want to take a break. I do not know how to. I am scared to take a break but even if I was not scared, I do not know how to. I have never really had any hobbies. I have never traveled. I have never done anything other than ...working and taking care of my family member. I have never had anyone to share something. Petty side of me blames on having my mentally disabled family by my side 24/7 but nah I am just too much of a coward to try. Like everyone suffers but why am I making a huge deal out of it? What are some things that you recommend when you absolutely have no idea what to do? Like where and how do I begin? How do I walk out of my house and be me? But the other part of me is like, well should I even try? Who knows if this chapter of my life is going to be painful than my previous one? Will my family have to be responsible for my debts (Idk like my $1500 care credit bill lol). I mean I just paid off almost everything I owe but my school debt is like ... I still got long way to go. It depressed me even more because I cannot even be selfish enough to end this because I feel bad for my family HAHA Like what am I? Oh GOSH I am so tired. Help",Depression +18478,I am honestly done with life and ready to go. Depending on the way my therapy appointment goes I might try tomorrow. Has anyone used tide and was it painful? Or have tried something similar? Anyone tried using tide products to die?,Suicidal +18479,"Simply put, today might be last day. It really solidified that I do not need to try harder for a better life. I miss the woman I love, I miss having goals in life, I miss my potential future. Today was truly heartbreaking. I drove fairly drunk today. This seems like an effective way of taking myself out, and if I am drunk enough, I do not think it will be that hard to go through.Not sure why I am mentioning this but, I hope something can be learned.Love yourselves, do not over extend your love to those who do not deserve it.Understand that fundamentally, you are and will always be alone in your thoughts. This is okay, because its too much of a struggle to get people to understand your pain. Its okay.Thank you all. Running out of gas",Suicidal +18480,"I can' t do this anymore... I want to finish it all, but I have no guts to kill myself. How do you guys handle all this shit?? How do you guys handle this shit?",Depression +18481,"I cannot do this anymore. I am at my breaking point. I cannot talk about this to my family because I do not want them to worry. I cannot talk to my mother about this because I already tried. I recall my mom saying something like ""we are all depressed here."" Those are not the words I wanted to hear. Hearing those words I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I cannot really talk about this to my father because he is a drunk. I cannot talk about this to my siblings because they mean so much to me. I cannot make them worry about me. It would break my heart. I cannot talk about this to my friends because I lost them a long time ago. I lost all my friends because I wanted to isolate myself from them. So when I did kill myself it would hurt them less. Haha I remember even telling my best friend at the time this. I hope she forgot about me, and live her life peacefully without me. I have this feeling for years, and it just will not shake off. I honestly wish I was not me. Thanks if you read the whole thing. I Just cannot Do This Anymore",Suicidal +18482,Take it from someone who almost killed themselves 8 days ago it does not work out the way you think it does. You arnt going to have some beautiful end you are not going to go to a special place one day you are going to snap then its just a messy note on a kitchen table and you driving off with a gun in your backseat. Get help before you go there please alteast try it it will be bad,Suicidal +18483,"I sold my house back in March. Its been a rough run since then. The plan was to capitalize on the increased market value with the housing market how it is. My wife and I were planning on building a house with the proceeds. It was supposed to be done in May. They built the wrong house on our land ""by accident"", made us pay more for less house. Its been months of staying with shady airbnb hosts, family, and finally an apartment we had to sign a lease on just hoping the house will be done around the time the lease expires. My car caught fire 2 months ago and the dealer is still working on reimbursing us. My grandfather is getting old and does not remember me anymore. My great uncle who I was very close to died. I had to put my dear sweet cat to sleep that I never thought id love so dearly, god I miss her. My grandmother has cancer. I cannot bring myself to talk to my disabled brother because doing so just reminds me of how neglectful I have been of him since I was younger. I started a new job months ago that I am out of the honeymoon phase of and I am really starting to wonder where my career is going from here. I do not talk to anyone anymore. I see three people on a weekly basis for four months now, two coworkers and my wife. I do not even get to play with my old gaming buddies anymore since our schedules do not work out and I cannot find any new ones due to my weird work schedule. I am so lonely. Fuck I am so lonely.I do not think id ever actually do anything to hurt myself. Id never want to put my wife and family into that situation, but god I think about it all the time. I just do not know what to do anymore. Been a hell of a year",Suicidal +18484,"Once I (24M) graduated college, I had a wonderful opportunity to move to the West Coast. I have been here for two years, and I have had people bully me to no end since day one.When I first moved here, I adopted a kitten. The landlord did not mind, and the roommate always spent time with him. Like a cat does, he would play with his own poop and meow at night for attention. That roommate moved out for her own reasons after a month (we moved in at the same time), and a couple in their 40s moved in. These roommates knew I had the cat when they moved in, and were even nice enough to feed him while I went camping for a week with work. A few weeks after my trip, the girlfriend of the couple went ballistic and kicked my cat across the house because he was meowing for attention. I called animal control, certain they would do something. Well, the roommates called them as well and claimed my cat bit them. My cat was taken away, and put down (he was THREE MONTHS old). I was in the process of buying a house, so I stayed with my boss for two weeks. I moved into my house two weeks after. I adopted two more cats.As homeownership goes, minor repairs came up, but I had a home warranty and did not have to worry.A few months go by, and here comes COVID. Due to the economic impacts, my employer (a private school) sold lawn signs. I purchased one, and placed it in my yard. Well, I guess my neighbor did not like that, so he runs over the sign and crashes into my house (I have the video). Luckily, the damage was negligible, but that also meant the police would not come out to take a report. (Get used to that - the police here do not come). Sigh.A few more months go by, and I still have yet to make any solid connections here besides my school community. I meet this girl on tinder, and we go to a nearby tourist spot. It was busy so we decided to call it after a few minutes. On the way back, a motorcycle tried to pass over the double yellow and I did not see him so I was speeding up to close the gap with the car in front of me. He got very upset, and kept blocking traffic and tried to get me to hit him. The girl I was with is deathly afraid of police, but in the moment I forgot and called 911. They said it was not important enough for them to respond and they told me to drive to the police station, 20 minutes away. I try to escape onto a cross street, but the biker followed me and tried to run me off the road. He failed, so he kicked in my mirror. I was obviously panicked, freaking out in the car, and the girl blocked me. Sigh.Today, I was walking my dog like I normally do. I round the corner and I am moments walk from my house, and my neighbor is outside with his young daughters and his bull terrier; this terrier is never taken for a walk, and is notoriously unfriendly. To avoid the dog and the daughters, I walk into the street. The terrier runs into the street and bites me, so my dog throws him to the ground and I go down too. The neighbor untangled the leashes as I got up. I start to continue on my way, and I was not going to think anything of it because hes a cool dude (or so I thought). He starts to blame me, asking me why I did not go further into the street, and then calls me a child molester. He continues as I stand and listen. He stops and I walk away, then he continues. He says hes going to make me move out of my house. Animal control says my bite does not actually look like a bite, so they will not do anything. The police said it was not important enough for them to come. Sigh.There are more stories, but I am not able to remember them at the moment. I have never had a support system here, and I lost my job because my mental health got so bad that I was being abrasive towards my bosses. I learned my lesson, and I am not saying it is an excuse, but I think if I had a support system here, the load would feel lighter. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, but it was in this town that I called the National Suicide Helpline. I have not called them since, though. I am moving back East Tuesday. It cannot come soon enough. Why do bad things happen for no reason?",Depression +18485,"The situation in my countries getting worse just as I was starting to come right financially and look at actually improving and looking after myself, I am a paraplegic that has no aftercare, no caregiver, and pretty much no medical infrastructure. My wheelchair cushion is totally at its end...i sleep on a bed that is pretty much bad for me, and I am Sure that my hips are dislocated but going to hospital atm is not Realy a choice... Just do not know how to get out of this situation both mentally and just, life wise.... Spend most days indoors either asleep or just moping... And can honestly feel myself just slipping away :( Everythings coming to a head...",Depression +18486,I have had period cramps which were so painful to the point I wanted to commit suicide. I am fucking scared of getting menopause if I even make it to old age. I fucking hate the fact that I have experienced physical pain compared to other people. And mental pain is even fucking worse. I wish I were born a man,Suicidal +18487,anyone around? cannot do it anymore 2am and I am drowning,Depression +18488,I am so tired of fighting these demons attacking my soul. My neck and chest feel suffocated by bad energies. My mind is a wasteland. I feel like a waste of space . So low vibration. Dead and dark inside yet still around and moving. I feel like I sold my soul and got nothing in return. My heart is dead and smothered in darkness. I question is this even all worth it. Why is this existence so cruel. Or maybe I completely deserve this. Maybe I am a failed creation. I feel worn out. Why do I continue this fight. I am not even mad at anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so distraught from this life I have lived. I do not want to die but I really want to rest. Everywhere I go people ask me If I am ok and if I am just tired. I am tired of telling everyone I am tired. I am dying inside and nobody can help. Even if I tried to kill myself i would not know what to do. I am just stuck 20yo thinking about suicide. Getting things off my chest.,Suicidal +18489,"My boyfriend broke up with me (although he calls it a break). He and his other boyfriend are moving in together at the end of August, which leaves me with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. So I will be homeless.I have got no job, no money, and a boatload of mental health issues. it is a miracle I made it this far in life considering I was not supposed to survive infancy. That plus two previous suicide attempts, and who realistically thought I would make it to 34?Honestly, the bottle of sleeping pills in my bedside table looks pretty good right now. I could drift off to sleep and...never wake up. Pretty sure the few people in my life would be relieved and not very surprised.I am not dead yet, but I get closer and closer to a quick exit every passing moment. I will probably be dead in two months",Suicidal +18490,"I am going into senior year in high school this year, and for as long as I can remember I have just felt like I do not fit it. Like I do not belong. After a few years, I would say around 6th or 7th grade it turned into depression. I was seemingly indifferent to nearly everything imaginable. I was not sad, I was not happy, I was neutral. And it is been the same since then. I have no reason to not be happy. I live in an upper middle class family. Nice house, my parents are great, my older brother is as nice as an older brother can be. I have a nice job and get paid well. I am just not happy for some reason. I had friends for a while, but one day I stopped texting first and after a bit I never heard from them again. But the was okay, I am pretty antisocial anyway. it is been years since I had any real friends. I have never had an real interests, nor hobbies. I have done many sports, but only because my parents made me. I was just mediocre at them. I always just wanted to go home and go back to sleep. My latest sport I did was Mountain Biking, I did it 9th and 10th grade but quit before the season for 11th grade started. Since then, I have not done much. I just wake up, go to school/work, come home, lay in bed for a few hrs and eventually go to sleep for the night. Rinse and repeat. I do not know what I want to do as a career. I do not know what I want to go to college for, if I do go to college. I think id be fine majoring in whatever. I am not interested in pursuing anything, because I have nothing I want to pursue. I had never experienced suicidal thoughts until now, I think I was pretty content with my life up until a few weeks ago. Since then I have just found myself asking over and over, ""is this life really worth it?"" ""why should not I just do it?"" I have had a really bad time sleeping lately because of these thoughts. Hence why I am posting this at 1am haha. I have never self harmed before, never seen the point. Never had the incentive to. If I were to commit, I would want it to be quick and as painless as possible. I have thought it over a ton. I have been tempted to unbuckle my seatbelt while driving and just slam into a tree, obviously have not worked up the gut to do that yet. I have been tempted to use a noose, but I have not found a place to hang it. Lastly, I have thought of just slitting my throat. I think if I were to commit that would be the most likely because. Anyway, back to it. I do not have a reason I should feel this way, everything in my life is fine. And that makes me feel worse. It makes me feel guilty. And that guilty feeling does not help. it is just and endless cycle round and round. I thought maybe writing this down might help, and there was no reason not to so why not. I have no reason to be suicidal, but I am.",Suicidal +18491,"I have lived my life trying to please others and any time I would try to be happy for me I would end up being an ass to others. I turned 18 a week or two ago but I started having thoughts of who am I? What actually makes me happy and not just numbs me to life? What am I to me and not what I want to appear as to others, because I have lived my life trying to please others anytime I agree to something because they make me feel needed but I hate it and if I quit I feel like an ass. Anyways that aside I have had thoughts about killing myself not because I feel depressed or something bad happened, I just do not know where to go. I feel so hollow, I feel like a mannequin masquerading as a human. Nothing feels like me, I can only enjoy things that make me happy for a short time and then after that nothing. I just go searching for the next thing to try and numb me. I do not think I could ever kill myself because I do not want to force my pain onto my friends and family but there is so many times I can imagine killing myself, I can imagine plunging a knife into the base of my neck under my adams apple, I can imagine when I go out shooting with my sisters husband taking the pistol and blowing my brains out. it is so vivid I can feel the gun in my hand and feel the grip in my hand kicking back as I pull the trigger, but it does not make me feel anything this is the first time I feel something thinking about it but it is because I feel overwhelmed by how ridiculous I sound. I just needed to get this out and maybe get some responses I think, I honestly do not know and as I finish typing this it feels as if something just clicked in my head and now I just feel annoyed at how much of a little pansy ass bitch i am. I do not know what to think",Suicidal +18492,"I have been in this sink of depression for months. I cannot get up most mornings, I lay in bed, I play PC games to escape, and I just throw myself a pity party all of the time playing the victim when its all my fault. A few months ago I broke up with my gf of 5 years for a lot of reasons. She was more career oriented, she chose it over me. I cannot be mad at someone for following their dreams but I was so hurt she chose to go to an out of state school, especially since already just up and left to work far away without talking with me about it. She then contacts me saying she is actually not going to an out of state school, but the school we talked about in the first place. But I cannot stand talking to her, she makes me so angry I fall into this rage filled depression. I am supposed to start school as a fire fighter at my local college. I feel fat, depressed, and disgusting. I have waited for this opportunity for so long, I cannot get up to find motivation or anything. I do not know what to do or how to handle this. I feel horrible",Depression +18493,I have been having extreme sleeping problems for about a year I exercise a lot and have tried melatonin no help it can take up to 2 hours for me to fall asleep after I close my eyes and its starting to because a problem Any suggestions for sleep,Depression +18494,"My summer break is almost gone. The time goes by so fast. Its a blur. My moods are a blur. I cannot keep up with them. One moment I could be doing nothing and then BOOM! I am yearning for something to kill me so fast I would not even know I was dying. This is very tiring. Dude. can everything just slow down!?!?! Like the days are going by fast. My moods are changing so quickly. I seriously cannot keep up! Everyday is so fucking tiring cuz its like my brain wants to play Whack A Mole and mess with me. Fuck me. Fuck my nervous system. I swear if I do not get a break I will fucking explode. I am so serious. Like get me the fuck out of this cycle. My emotions are controlling me so much Jesus fucking christ I hate myself. I need to find something to escape with. Just to get away from my emotions fuck them so fucking bad I just want to be apathetic/neutral. I do not want this bullshit, brain. FUCK OFF!!! Fuck emotions",Depression +18495,"After working a long day each day I do not feel human anymore. I can barely piece together this post. it is 2am and I cannot sleep because I am stressed about work. Outside of work I spend more time trying to find more work that pays better than my current $15/hr gig. I feel like suicide is the only way to escape being a capitalist worker drone. I have forgotten what it is like to feel human, to not feel like a broken empty she will of a person. Even if I find another job, it is the same shit. I want to kill myself to escape wage slavery",Suicidal +18496,"I feel like so much is just piling on. My already existing depression has been so bad for the past year. I stopped cleaning, showering/brushing regularly. Slowly but surely. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I am extremely broke and owe 3 months of rent that I do not have.I am anxious most days and have no energy or motivation because I just feel so low. Then tonight, while I was in bed I saw what was either a rat or a mouse. I have never seen one (mouse) in the summertime (usually fall/winter), but apparently they can about when its hot too. I am so scared. I am worried about being bitten. I feel gross and I really just want to sleep because its 2am but I am too nervous. I am poor, and apparently have rats/mice. I am extremely scared of getting sick. From anything. Least I WAS semi safe at home. Life is shit right now. I honestly just want to disappear. Thanks. saw either a rat or mouse and want to die",Depression +18497,"Okay bear with me, this has a bit of a back story to make sense. Two years ago I (M, 32) ended a ten year relationship after finding out she was cheating. I have been dating on and off but never finding that spark with anyone. The last few months in particular I spiralled WAAAAYYY down. Like struggle to get out of bed, removed all my friends from my life sort of level. Over these last few months I was actively trying to achieve a more aesthetically appealing body: Abs, thick shoulders, muscular etc. This involved a lot of working out, cutting out carbs and only eating fish and chicken as my source of meats. My mood levels have consistently been going down despite the fact I am looking pretty good now. I still have not managed to find a girl I have that spark with (I am in Christchurch, NZ and the competition here is pretty intense. Dudes here are jacked, tradies and over 6ft4 on average - I am 6ft, Scientist). Anyway after feeling miserable for such a long time, I decided to get some comfort food... Mince and also some steak. I had both over the course of 4 meals/2 days...Now I am happy. Like legit, I am listening to music and got a hop to my step. I am happily chatting away with people while it was actually a chore before. Honestly I do not know if it is just the red meat that is changed me but I was sooo unhappy before and the only thing that is changed was those recent meals. I am still alone with no love prospects.Just thought I would share in case it helps someone here. I know diet can have a massive impact on brain chemistry. That may be the case here. Red Meat, the solution?",Depression +18498,This pandemic really affected my university applications. The schools I applied to relied on your high school grades and did not give any examinations. I have better grades than my older sibling but they passed the school were both aiming for (since they had entrance exams a few years ago) but this year I did not because the schools biased and I had to suffer the embarrassment of being waitlisted. I honestly did not care but my relatives are so fucking judgmental I want to behead myself. Today another schools released their results and fuck guess what I did not even get into the campus my parents went to. My score that was computed using my fucking high school grades ONLY is in the cut off for reconsideration. I fucking wanted to just pass at least THAT campus so I would not have to face my family like a fucking dipshit I just want to crawl into a whole and disappear from everyone I really want to die. This entire experience has been so traumatic for me to the point that I am rethinking whether I am meant to be a fucking doctor or a loser who cannot fucking fend for themself. I HATE ME. PLS KILL ME I am stupid and the universe makes sure that I get the worst luck in academics,Suicidal +18499,"I have supportive family, great friends, an incredible girlfriend. But I am an addict who constantly indulges his cravings. Today I did one of the most fucked up things I have ever done. It broke me, just like the other times I did something like this. I deserve none of what I have. I deserve death. If you knew what I did you would agree with me. Someone please kill me I am too chicken to do it myself I have everything I could want. I am still a monster",Suicidal +18500,"I consider myself emotionally and thus mentally weak. Despite financial success, having a few relationships in my life and other qualities that I do not know even count anymore, even with all the therapy in the world, I will never lose the fact that I am weak. I will ALWAYS have an emotional side that is a hair trigger away from engaging at any point in my life, high or low. Emotions, despite whatever women say are fucking kryptonite to women... Our world is so fucked and we are transforming it so that we cowtow to the less than 1%, inclusivity, equality, men are women and women are men but our biology IS our biology. Men are overwhelmingly attracted to women and vice versa and our biology dictates that no matter how much the powers are trying to fuck with the script, gender roles especially, of how we are to societally be or anecdotes that are raised, SECURITY is something that women will be exclusively disproportionate in needing. You cannot have security in a man that is depressed and is not ALWAYS the rock and could potentially break down at something like the irrational thought of his parents dying and not being around even when they are perfectly healthy.Depressed men = emotionally weak men = do not have a 100% ratio of being the rock, the security = that woman, if applicable, runs away to the candy store of infinite options of men, that will run to her with the snap of the finger and she knows this = man, not fulfilling his biological purpose of reproduction and being attractive to the opposite sex, gets severely depressed and either falls under the rug to remain invisible forever or goes into the dirt.We have to remember that men not being open about emotions, is more than likely it not being societally acceptible for him to do so, rather than it just being ""Me man, me have no emotion. Me strong"". He bottles it and suffers in silence and dies younger. Am I fooling myself in thinking that if I build on all other functions of my life that I will find a woman that will accept depression and weakness or am I doomed to repeat the same sick pattern of women sticking around for a few years and then eventually leaving... *Philosophic thoughts - OPINIONS NEEDED* Is there room for weak men?",Depression +18501,"I have 7 disabilities and I am not going to even name them, mainly because why should I name them if it will not get my point across that I want to kill myself.Look, yes I play video games to ease my stress, and if I did not play them I would already be gone.I am 21 years old, have no job, no car, no friends, no independence, and I live with a controlling mother who does not let me walk 4 feet outside of the house, people say I need to get out of my house but you people do not understand, I cannot. I have considered suicide at least 7 times in the past month which is the most I have ever considered in that span of time.Not only that but my only source of support IS my mother, and guess what, every time I say I want to kill myself, she adjusts my medication, NOT my psychiatrist, SHE adjusts the dosages of my medication, and if I do not do what she says I get grounded, get in trouble or whatever, I already cannot go on the internet past 12am because I yelled at her last month because I actually fucking hate her and do not want to deal with her shit.This has lead me to straight up wanting to kill myself, die, and not wanting to exist. Here are my several disabilities: 1. Asperger's Syndrome; High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder (I do not care about people in conversations, all I want is to talk about myself, I do not care what other people have to say)2. Bipolar Disorder (I am a diagnosed Maniac)3. Tourette's Syndrome (Ticks; people apparently hate it when I sniff and I cannot help it)4. ADHD (Sometimes I gain this ego thinking I know everything when I obviously do not and it leads to me getting lazy and unable to concentrate on the things that actually matter)5. Anxiety (I do not just fucking do things I want to do, I just sit there and panic the entire time)6. PTSD (fuck my dad, I want him dead)7. Gender Dysphoria (I was born male and want to be female, but I do not see that ever happening)I am tempted to just post my address here so I can link this page to some site on the dark web so someone can come and end me.Yes I made this post incredibly dark, and no it is not as a joke, I am dead serious, I do not want to live anymore because why? What do I have to live for. I do not just want to exist or kill myself, I want to die, and I do not care how.",Suicidal +18502,"How do you combat anger? - Disgust? Rage? Sadness? I am only fifteen. My mother drives me crazy. She makes me want to kill myself, (which may be her goal in the end) criticizing every move I make. My siblings are the opposite of me, judge mental, rude, yet so so fake. When I am in public with my mom, she masks her behavior really well. I am contemplating suicide in the future as everybodys judgements have gotten the best of me. Every move I make, I doubt myself - because of them, or question what I am doing. (Which I have never done before, and have always been pretty confident when making decisions/thinking for myself.) How would you stand up for yourself in my situation? I have always been closed off, afraid to say what is really on my mind.) I am not necessarily sensitive to criticism but their judgements about my appearance and whatnot have gotten the best of me. I do not connect well with most of my family, even my fathers side now, so why should I force myself to get along with people who treat me with ultimate disrespect? they are very driven by materialistic things and get overly excited about certain things/items they have gotten to touch up their appearance. I am not sure why my family has such an issue with me, slandering my name - which used to get nothing but praise. In the end, I am not going to mask my personality for ones pleasure. I absolutely despise their behavior. they are disconnected from reality, nature, etc. - and more connected with superstitions, mainstream media, popular opinions, and appearance. Escaping this enclosed environment by walking has helped with stress levels, but if anybody has other tips; they would be greatly appreciated. P.S. Not as if I care so much about politics, but the deranged radical leftist mentality has definitely contributed to their biased viewpoints about current events, which drives me nuts. Anger, rage, disgust.",Suicidal +18503,"I made the decision to cold turkey smoking cigarettes, and weed a few moments ago. No point in it anymore, smashed all of my bongs, burnt up my last pack of smokes and now I am done. Nicotine withdrawals should be a blast Decisions were made",Depression +18504,"TW self harm thoughts, suicidal thoughtsI knew I was starting to crash yesterday and today I did okay enough right after I woke up, but by the time I got to IOP I started spiraling. Just so much anxiety, feeling overwhelmed for literally no reason to the point I was rocking back and forth and wanted to pull my hair out. I am fucking sick of this. Why do people want me to live through this? Urges and urges to self harm. Intrusive thoughts of what Id want to do in graphic detail. I do not understand the fucking point. They say I am low insight but I think its bullshit. There is no reason I should not self harm. Scarring? What does it fucking matter, my body is valueless. It does not solve the problem. So what? It makes me feel better. It helps me get out these feelings. I do not want to live with them. I do not want to sit with suck as my therapist said. If I could do that I would not have gone in-patient and spent 2 months in residential. The best I have been able to do lately is fucking starve myself lol which has made me even more sick and miserable. But at least its something. Maybe Ill be able to manage making an attractive corpse lol. Doubtful.I see my family everyday and I wish I could look them in the face and beg them to just let me go. Just accept it and cherish the good memories and let me leave. I do not understand why they cannot just let me go.I am sick of dopamine chasing. I am fucking sick of it. Quick fix satisfaction like some fucking junkie. I am sick of being delusional and dreaming some day I will not live with this fucking mental illness. I am so fucking sick of being crazy, man. I am fucking sick of it. I did not ask for this. This is not fair. I want it to be over and I had the opportunity so many times and I never fucking did it because I am a fucking pussy.Whatever. Ill just keep dopamine chasing and saying that is enough. Listening to music is soooooooo worth it If you like industrial stuff I am listening to Between Breaths (An XX Perspective) by Blaqk Audio on repeat before trying to fall asleep. Life is hard. Holding out hope that things will get better is so difficult",Depression +18505,"Hopefully this is goodbye. I always said that once I ran out of money, I would off myself. I went to dinner at around 8PM and ordered food. Kind of expensive place but I was going to order a less expensive option, like $30. So I order, eat my food, everything is great. At around 10PM I get the check and it is a lot more expensive than I had originally thought. $81.56. I kind of freak out a little bit because this is the EXACT amount of money that I have on me...at first I try to explain that I had ordered the wrong option, that I did not know it would be so expensive. But then after a while, I realize that this is the way it is supposed to be. By some stroke of fate, the amount is EXACTLY how much I had on me. All the money that I had in the entire world...I stopped talking to the host, paid my bill, and left. there is still a few things I have to do before I leave this world but this should be farewell. I should not come back to this post, however, if I do not end up succeeding or I somehow change my mind, I will make an update. Thanks to everyone that attempted to help and sympathized with me in my other post. Goodbye",Suicidal +18506,"Have you ever felt so lonely that you feel like isolating yourself even more? I feel like leaving this world and just escaping. I have wanted to give myself all the pain the world just so that I feel something, feeling numb since a long time. I wish to feel something, even if it is pain. That way I know that I am alive. I feel like making a new identitty and starting over. Is this hope? Or is it just running away?The feeling of loneliness comes from within, imagine being so bad to yourself that you start disconnecting. The relationship I share with myself is so fucked up. it is abusive. I do not have anyone to blame for my loneliness but just myself. I put myself in this. Sometimes I feel, the only way to end the pain is to end my life. You get out of toxic relationships, but how do I get out of this toxic relationship? How do I run away from myself. All I can do is make it less toxic, but a relationship that has been toxic, never really heals. I will always be bad to myself, I have no hope there. I just want to end it. Loneliness",Depression +18507,Everyday is a battle and I cannot take it anymore...I am a failure on every aspect of my life. I try to pick myself up and someone just tells me that I am bad at what I am doing. I studied theology but I am not religious. I tried to sing since is a big subject in my field but I am very bad at it. I work at a ultra capitalist phone case firm where I have to smile and treat every piece of shit of a customer with respect. I am not allowed to read or spend every second I have free at work doind something for me. I work 9 hours a day and it takes me 2 hours on the road. I spend 11 hours or more for this piece of shit work and I cannot do anything about it. The paycheck is insulting and I do not know what to do anymore. I seriously considering to jump off of a bridge and drown but I have a family and a long time relationship. I do not have time and money for therapy nor drugs. I stopped speaking with anyone about how I feel because they love me and I make them sad. But I no longer can continue this. I am done and I have no option to get better,Depression +18508,"Legs grow heavy with each day that passMind cloudy, and a heart full of scarsBut i will not break till the end of my lifeAll i can give, is all for you, my beloved wife My heart grows cold, with each day i fightEach day it grows dimmer, my hope and my lightBut each day i feel, the warmth of my loverGrants me the strenght, to fight till its over My mind grows darker with each day i failMy hopes, dreams, and will, fading awayBut for you my love, i will prevailUntil i break, with you i will stay But when I am gone, do not mourne for meWipe those tears, and keep staying strongYou were always what i hoped love to beAnd with my last breath, in your arms, i belongBy: fyzan_fyzz211 For you",Depression +18509,I do not have anyone. My partner and I broke up because my mental health is so bad(I texted him my location last week because I was drunk and out walking to keep myself from hurting myself but I kept thinking about it even when I was walking) I can earnestly say that the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of my mom having to deal with my death. I am really tired and I want to not be alone I am so awful end o the rope I guess,Suicidal +18510,"I cannot stop looking at myself without thinking of cutting. I wash the dishes and marvel at the pale blue of untouched veins, play piano and ache to tear at the untouched skin on my arms, stretch and admire the slashes that criss cross my ankles. In the shower I run my hands over the layers and layers of scars that grace my hips and shoulders, and I think *they are beautiful.*It feels wrong, to think that scars and self harm in such a manner is beautiful. This is not beautiful in the sense of ""this is me, this is a testament to my strength,"" it is beautiful in the same way perfect makeup or the feathers of a male peacock are. It makes me want to cut more, and continue this twisted version of ""beautiful"" I have somehow created in my attempts to run from pain. Every attempt I make at building a negative association fails, and every time I am scolded by my mom for not taking better care of my skin I dismiss it.It feels like art, when I do not want to be an artist with a canvas of skin and a medium of blades and blood. But I do not see a way out of it. I do not know what to call this-",Suicidal +18511,"I have been to therapy, treatment for self-harm, depression, violent tendencies, suicidal urges. I have tried affirmations, new routines, pursuit of interests, and making friends.Therapy put me into debt for years longer than I attended. Months of positive affirmation practice just made me hate positive phrases and platitudes. No perceived difference in various routines, I still live every day either on the verge of a panic attack or drowning myself in distractions like movies and books. I spent twelve years pursuing various interests and that just revealed to me how much of a fucking talentless idiot I am. My friends are all good people, they invite me to their events and treat me like one of them, but interacting with them feels like a waste of time. Every time I think that I realize just how much of an asshole I really am.I used to love my job. Prided myself on work ethic above all else. Really loved that Jocko Willink line about Navy Seals cleaning toilets. For years, I greeted my coworkers with a smile and a compliment. Worked longer hours than anyone else in a high speed, high stress environment. Dealt with toxic people with sunshine and rainbows. And in my free time, I would write. Of everything I pursued, writing brought me meaning.I am tired. I cannot remember how I cared so much before. I thought I would already been through the darkest time in my life. I have gotten away from my petty family, but the panic attacks will not stop. I cannot sleep unless I stay active until the point of total exhaustion, because if I spend a minute with my eyes closed all I can see is every way I have failed at everything I do. I have ruined every relationship I have ever had. Everything that has ever gone wrong in my life is clearly and obviously my fault.I do not see a way this gets better from here. I am too old for someone to take pity on, which is how I have gotten even this far in life. I am not attractive, intelligent, wealthy, or even financially stable. Writing, the one practice that delayed me committing suicide years ago, more often than not leaves me feeling worse than ever as I desperately seek that state of flow before I freeze up and start chewing on my fingers.I am amused that I feel that same state of flow while writing this, sifting through memories that at any other time would leave me a cringing nervous wreck. it is been 3 months since I last felt it. I cannot wait that long again.I cannot let anyone down again. I wish someone would just be angry with me for screwing up. But that would not fucking matter anyway. I am not mature enough to accept criticism.I do not want to put up with my bullshit anymore. I just want it to stop.",Suicidal +18512,"Today morning was my school best friend's sister's marriage but I did not go. I have not talked to her in the past 1 years and because of covid and some other issue, I feel very sad and depressed lately. I do not want people to see me in this state but I feel guilty about not going. My friend did not invite me personally she said it in group and invited all. For the past 1 years, I am really in a bad phase in my life. I feel guilty now. What should I do? I told her I could not make it because of my training but the thing is I do not want people to see me and judge me. Feeling guilty",Depression +18513,This will be my last post. I am sorry to everyone. I am sorry to my one friend & few family who care.I am sorry. Laat post,Depression +18514,"I am stuck at a dead end job , I feel like cutting off everyone in my life , cannot asleep , cannot be social, criticise everything I say , overthink about everything I just want to feel alive again Disconnected to reality",Depression +18515,what is everyone doing this evening? Anyone doing anything interesting? Hello everyone!,Depression +18516,"If I cannot quit the coke booze and weed, then I am just going to OD tonight hopefully. Addiction sucks, unfair to say but like I do not get how straight edge people are depressed, if I just was not an addicted I feel like I would not hate my life. Alas, halfway done this Mickey and finished a line, I probably will not die but goddamn maybe tonight will be my lucky night. Fuck Literally Getting High till I die",Suicidal +18517,"I could go at any time and have no regrets. I am pretty young but I do not feel like I need to continue living. Life has been fairly good to me. I am just too tired to go on. If I died, people would care. But give them a year or two and they would get over it. I am not suicidal but I just do not have they drive or desire to continue living. I hope I die of natural causes soon. I am not even suicidal. I am just fulfilled with the life I lived.",Depression +18518,Meds gave me better vision Depression made me feel like I was constantly looking through a dirty window,Depression +18519,"No friends, nothing to do, everyday is the same and i hate my life. Why does it have to be like this man, i did not ask to be here and yet I was placed on this space rock just to exist and be tortured by my miserable existence. 16 years lived and 16 too many. I just want it over. I am young, depressed, alone, worthless, and numb.",Depression +18520,"I need to say some stuff. I do not need anyone to fix me. I just need people to hear me so that I know I am real. I am 42 next month and I struggle with depression and occasional hypo-mania. It has wreaked havoc on my life. I had some trauma as a very young teen that i was not even able to process until just a year or two ago. I started using drugs when i was a teen. I got clean at 22 and worked really really hard to rebuild my life. I graduated from Arizona State with a 4.0 perfect gpa in marketing in 2005. I took a dream job in Minnesota. But I knew nobody there. It was cold and gray. The depression came back and for the first time i started to feel the pain of lonliness. I went through a period of rapid cycling moods: Id be so depressed I could not move for days at a time. Then id feel great and think I am going to do big things. I thought i wanted to start a candy company and raise a million dollars etc. Eventually it all became too much and i quit my once in a million job and moved home to AZ. I ended up losing everything and starting over at zero. I rebuilt a career in behavioral health, lost everything, built a successful business selling modems. I made one million dollars in sales in 2013. Declared bankruptcy in 2014. The depressuin comes and wipes everything out. I rebuild. It happens again. A year ago, i had a good corporate job. I owned a house that was $38,000 from paid off. Somehow through a series of starry eyed confidence of hypo mania and excrutiating lows of depression i ended up selling my house, losing the money, losing my job. Also, i should note that i became addicted to narcotics in 2012 after an accident. It happens with the depression. Drugs. Because i literslly cannot stand the pain and its numbness or death. But i fought back. I got clean in July 2014 on my own. It took me several years but i pulled myself together, got back to a job, etc. Once again, i was at zero, less than that actually. I built up again. But when i quit drugs i also left my circle of acquaintances. And i never quite got a footing in my new life. It took me 3 years just to be recovered enough to function in society. And last February was the time. I started getting out. I went on a couole dates. I had decided to *look* for my future. Then COVID came. Lost my job and was not able to get unemployment because i quit my job due to severe depression. I lost my house. I tried to invest and screwed that up. Now I am staying at my moms. I have nothing and nobkdy. My work history is spotty. My marketing degree is from before social media. I have no remarkable skills despite being intelligent. I make terrible decisions. I do not know what to do. I do not have a single foothold, nothing to leverage. I literally know nobody but my mother. The lonliness is so bad i have sat in my room scresming crying because it hurts so bad. Physically. Its worse than any pbysical agony I have ever felt. Its like my soul is being suffocated. I do not beling to any groups. I am not christian and do not feel comfortable in chruches. I do not know anybody. I have no job, no job skills, no money, no savings, no plan, no confidence, no hope. I feel like the tree in the forest that falls and nobody hears it. Did it make a noise? Did it even fall? Did it even exist? If i dissapeared tomorrow, other than my mother the world would not notice. I am outside of society. I am nothing. I often start to question if i even really exist because no part of the world sees me. I do not want to die. I am not going to kill myself. But i wake up every day amd think dammit. Dammit! I have to do this again. I have been crying most the day for a week or two. I am terrified. If something happened to my mom id be on the streets. This is not supposed to be my life. I hate it. Every mome t i wosh i would dissapear because i cannot do it. I do not want to rebuild again. I do not want to do it because its so painful and hard and every time it just goes away anyways. I have never been able to reach stability i my life. I have hurt people around me so much. I feel like i only am a burden and a dissapointment. I have never had a healthy relationship or one lasting longer thhan a couple months. Since i was burt as a teen and the house i grew up in i never had love modeled for me. I do not know what it means, how to give it, recognize it, or receive it. I have spent 30 years just wishing so much for a shoulder rub. Sometimes i go months without a hug or touching a person. I am dying from lonliness. And from lack of hope. My teeth are bad. I had planned to use money from selling my hosue for dental inplants but the money is gone. I am not sure i could even get a job with them like they are. I certainly cannot date. And i cannot fix them. I do not even have money to have the ones rotting in my gums pulled. I see no path. I am without hope. And so lonely it fucking feels like cruel torture. I do not want to kill myself. I do not want to die. But i feel like I am slready dead and it hurts like watching a child die. All of my hopes and dreams for my future. I cannot. I cannot I do not know what to do or where to start. I have nothing and nobody and i just want to have never happened. A tree falls...",Depression +18521,"First week of uni and I am already failing. Have no one around me, no friends no girlfriend. Struggling every single day. Have no direction in my life apart from my uni course which I am going to fail anyways. I have absolutely nothing and I never will. I have already seen what I have to. I am done, my work here is done. Goodbye. I am done here. Goodbye",Suicidal +18522,"They were arguing like usual, but this time it was the first time it got bad. My mom broke a window, my dad broke the door,pushed my sister and so much more. I feel like I am worthless and I cannot do anything for my sister.I cut myself and it took away a lot of my anger towards him. My parents got very physical today",Depression +18523,"I cannot do the shit that I was put here to do, I do not fill any traditional role, I do not give a shit about anything that is moral or decent in this world and I just do not want to play the game anymore while some people are born in fucking luxury and can spend their lives doing whatever the fuck they want. The shit is rigged. I always say I am going to change my life around then I fucking do not. I just cannot do it Whole game of life is some bullshit",Suicidal +18524,"I do not even know what to say. I just know that my heart aches extremely and the only thing that will heal me is time. I do not want to die, but I cannot fucking stand feeling like this. Weed no longer always does the trick. I am a ticking time-bomb. I am in so much pain and I do not know how to keep going",Suicidal +18525,back when i was in my thoughts really deep i wished my close family would die so they would not be impacted by my suicide its the only thing i can think about and i know i just wanted them to feel good and not be dreaded by me but its still fucked i cannot stop thinking about it,Suicidal +18526,"My days are like a rerun tv show, anytime I have something good I loose it and I cannot be alone with my thoughts or else I will think terrible things.. this whole feeling comes and goes but it never leaves, I just have this tremendous weight and everyone makes it up to be normal or this is what I should expect. But I do not want that. I do not want to live until I am old and be unhappy and mad the entire time. And this is not what I am going to do but when this is the thought it is never good. I just should end it, life is hopeless and I have made no positive impact on anyone. No matter how kind, supportive or loving I was all those people took me for granted or advantage of me and have nothing back. That little happy feeling? There is none. maybe for a brief moment but it never lasts or it is so brief and random I do not even notice.and I chase that feeling even if it does not still make me happy because I am so lost, I am lost and do not know what to do and even if I spilled my heart out and told someone my exact problems no would care and that is just life and I know that I am at the point in my life where it just seems pointless and no reason to go on",Depression +18527,"I know I should not, but I do not know why. I fucking hate myself, I am a fucking loser no matter what I do. Kurt Vonnegut said that it is sometimes just about being lucky. I have tried to hang myself before and pussied out. I just really cannot wake up to the same thing. I have tried to make my life better and it is never worked out. Just a losing hand in life I guess. I just cannot see any way forward. Hey all,",Suicidal +18528,"what is a way to commit suicide, other than the use of a handgun(do not have access to one), that has the highest rate of success? do not want to live like a vegetable or someone who is all broken apart physically after a failed attempt. Advise on this only please. Best sure fire way except guns",Suicidal +18529, Study: Doctors do not Take Mental Health As Seriously As Physical Health,Depression +18530,"Hi everyone, I was just wondering if someone could please tell me that I am worth something or anything. Pretty much all day every day I am being constantly put down, and I might be just a baby but it is always some comment or someone trying to put me down. And I have nobody to lift me up but myself. My whole life I have never really had anyone close. All my friends do not really care, I have never had a girlfriend to hug when I needed it, and everything is just putting me down when I need something to lift me up. So please, someone tell me that I am worth being alive or something positive please Hello all, if nobody minds I could really use a friend right now",Suicidal +18531,"To preface, I will not ever do anything, so do not worry, but good god if I am not having dark thoughts all the time. have not been able to keep food down for months. Used to drink a lot of hard liquor during the pandemic and had increasing difficulty keeping the alcohol down. Eventually something snapped and I have not been able to handle pretty much any food (or alcohol) very well. I vomit almost every day. The doctors are not sure what specifically is causing it. I have had all sorts of diagnostics and red herrings, but treatment has not led to any improvement. I go to university in an eastern bloc country where everything is dubbed. While I was in the US, I figured Id see a movie while I still could watch something in the original language. I waited so long for this film to come to the United States and was so excited to go see it. But, I was dumb and had a bit of lunch before the movie, and 45 minutes into it, I could feel the nausea creeping up to an unbearable level. I tried to hold it as long as I could, but I ended up sobbing and vomiting into my cup.Financials are really putting me on edge too. I am behind schedule on the bit of software I have been working on. I need to buy new glasses - they are held together with tape right now, but when I look at the prices, I just cannot justify it right now. I am burning through savings so quickly. I need to renew my visa as well, pay tuition, book my flights, etc.I want to get a pizza tonight to relieve some of the stress, but I know I am just going t beat myself up over the cost.I am in a bit of a LDR being in the US and my girlfriend has all sorts of medical stuff to work out relating to her transition, so I am on her sleep schedule right now. have not seen the sun in weeks and as she gets more distant, the fewer people I have to talk to during my day.Speaking of my girlfriend, we have not been sexual more than a couple of times during the past 6 months. We do not send each other any videos, we do not use the sex toys I had gotten us (one of them is still in shrink wrap!), we do not sext, we do not watch any porn together, and we never talk about our fantasies. Making it extra hard, every time we have looked at porn, she exclusively gravitates towards women. I have never once seen her looking at men. She was propositioned by a woman recently and admitted that she had fantasies about saying yes, but seemingly never has any fantasies about me.I feel so physically unwanted, unattractive, and unsatisfied.I feel like my life is slowly collapsing. Alcohol abuse has made it so hard to make it through the day",Suicidal +18532,"I am going into a new school for 12th grade this fall and I am terrified. Because I get bullied wherever I go. Private school, public school, international school, wherever I transfer to, it does not matter, I am always isolated labelled the loser of the school. Bc of covid i was given a break from school for a year, and after experiencing that graceful one year, I do not think I could go back to enduring the high stress and anxiety I get from having to see the faces of people who treat me like trash. I do not want to. I desperately do not want to. And the thing that scares me even more is that I do not think the bullying and ostracizing will stop even after I finish high school, because clearly the problem lies within me. But I cannot fix myself. Right now my future looks like a life of getting stepped on and used wherever I go, and that is so dreadful, I would rather just not live. But I do not even have the to courage to kill myself... how sad. I am so sick of living like this. I am sick of having no way out. I am sick of the people around me who do not give a shit about my feelings. But most of all...I am just tired of being alone. Its ridiculous, that I do not even make the effort into making other people feel better, but I expect to be cared for and loved in return for nothing. I say that I am sick of people not caring about my feelings... but I also do not care about theirs. it is crazy. it is crazy how selfish I am... I do not want to deal with myself anymore. I am terrified to go back to school",Depression +18533,"I hate how slowly and insidiously depressive episodes come on. I hate how it slowly starts to leech all my feelings away from me except apathy and despair. I hate how I suddenly find myself just going through the motions, no longer looking forward to the weekends because I enjoy free time but because I resent having to wake up and do anything at all. I hate how I find myself trying to do things that normally excite or interest me and putting them down a few minutes later because they feel pointless and dull suddenly. Its like I wake up one day and my world has all the color drained out of it and I cannot remember why I ever wanted to do anything in the first place. And then when finally I come out of it for a bit I feel like I have wasted so much of my life, set myself so far back in my hobbies and goals. Its a constant cycle and I wish it would stop coming back. Its the little things",Depression +18534,"I cannot fucking do this anymore. I do not know who I am. I do not know what I am alive for. I do not know why everyone around me seems to love me and praise me. I do not know why I feel so lonely, every single fucking night of my life, even though I have so many friends and family supporting me at every passing moment.I do not understand this. I do not understand any of this. I cannot love myself. I have tried. I have tried to forgive my actions, because everyone does things they regret. But I cannot forgive myself. I want to punish myself. And the only punishment good enough for me is ending my life.Everything's spinning around me. I cannot focus. I do not know what is happening to me. What happened to that happy little boy who never cried? What happened to the carefree adolescent who ignored the trauma he had been through, and forgot everything?Why did the memories have to return? I am scared that every night it will happen again. she will come into my room and rape me again, with a knife to my throat this time so I cannot fight back. Why was I so weak before? Why could not I fight her off before? Why did I let it happen for three years straight?I have caused my parents to hate each other. Divorce is a common word thrown around the house, and I honestly want them. They despise each other, even if they try to hide it. some days I wake up at 4 AM to hear them screaming, only ending when one of them leaves the house. I have split my entire friend group into two. All because of a mistake I made, which everyone has forgiven me for. But if they really forgave me, they would not be doing this. They would not be split even now. I cannot do thisThese people, ALL these people would be better off without me. My head is hurting so much. I cannot sleep. I hear my sister downstairs, maybe I will watch some TV with her. I would like to finish the show we are watching together before I die.But then again... is it really worth spending your last moments watching TV with the girl who raped you? I am at my fucking limit",Suicidal +18535,"I am 18 yrs old and waiting for my admission in college since because of that I am suffering anxiety and depression where I could not eat, or no motivation then Suddenly tears are coming out through my eyes like it ls hurt deep inside,I am scared that I will not get into my university that i applied since everyone has a huge expectation on me because i never fail or stop in school that is why I am scared what if I did not get in??, will my mom and dad dissapoint at me??, what should I do?? Since every university is already close???, if i did not get in what should i do in my 1 year, will they throw me out, thays why every night I always cry and cry and I can sleep very well, And I start to think that I should Die since if i die all of this feeling will be dissapear, I ...i just want to rest and rest I just want to sleep comfortably but my anxiety bugging me to the max where I cannot fall into sleep.... what should I do , I am scared , I am afraid .... Scared ofeverything",Depression +18536,I am having an episode and she told my dad what I told her. Now hes yelling at me. There is no trust. None at all. I should not have told her how I felt. Hes going to hurt me. It feels like I cannot breathe. Why did you tell him? Hes going to hurt me. Hes going to hurt me. My head is spinning. I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. Why why why why why why why why I called her phone and he answers only to scream into my ear. I think this is it. I have to do it now. Before he comes home to hurt me. I cannot breathe it hurts so much. I am scared mom please why did you tell him. I am scared of him. You know that. Hes going to hurt me. He does not understand. Were going to go 10 steps back. You were improving. No i was not I just did not tell mom anything until now when it was too much to bear and hold back. I knew it. She told him she told him she told him I cannot breathe I am so scaredHe said I ruined his night. I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry I am I am sorry oh god I am ssorO ry my head hurts so much I need to end it fast. Why did I say anything why am I so stupid so stupid you are an idiot why did you tell her stupid stupid stupid stupid hes going to hurt you I told her I wanted to kill myself why did you do it why did you tell herWHY WHY WHY WHY WHY you have no one to blame but yourself YOU IDIOT I hate you so much why why why why why why hey hwyehgdjdjdkdkdksk I am so sorry mom I wish I was better My mom told him HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAA,Depression +18537,Depression is not something I talk about much but I just wanted to say that men saying that females go through no depression actually makes me more depressed. It kind of downgraded the situation females are in. I am not saying that men at times do not have it harder when it comes to expressing their feelings. But as a girl I never got to express my feeling because I am too scared. Depression,Depression +18538,"i hate everything. i hate myself the most. everyone who told me that ""it gets better"" lied. one day i am going to bleed out in this basement and finally escape this fucking pain and emptiness. hand in unlovable hand",Suicidal +18539,"no matter what happens, I will not give up till end of this yr. Everyday I think about killing myself but I will fight it No matter what, stay alive for few more months",Suicidal +18540,I hate my brain. Thanks for giving me a maximum of 3 good days where I think I am beginning to care about myself and then follow that up with making me want to repeatedly stab myself over and over again for the next 3 weeks why do i always end up back here,Suicidal +18541,"I do not think many people saw [my post from earlier this week]( but the tl:dr is: I have been suicidal for a while but especially the last month or so, there is a forest fire raging less than 10 miles from my house, I called the suicide hotline because the fire and the thought of evacuation are making me feel way more ready to actually end myself. The suicide hotline operator told me that she thought I was a prank caller, then implied I should stop calling (because I have called before multiple times), and hung up on me.I thought the fire was bad a few days ago, but its only 2 miles from my house now. The forest service has done nothing to prevent the fire until today, and even right now they will not answer any calls from people in the town, and they only have those bucket-helicopters working and no ground crew (called my aunt who works for the forest service the next town over on the other side of the fire and she filled my family in). They tried to back burn but we do not know how much it helped. there is so much smoke that there were times today you could not even see the sun. I am watching it as I type and I can actually see the trees catching flame from this distance. Its surreal.I have had most of my belongings packed for the last three days in case I really did need to leave, but I am honestly having trouble imagining myself being able to pack up, evacuate, and not kill myself. I was already planning on killing myself at the end of the summer, because ~~I dropped out of college after two semesters and am already going to be stuck in debt until I am dead anyway, and Ill never be able to go back, even if I wanted to. My only source of income will be burned in the fire if my home burns down because its a farm. I am friendless, boyfriendless, I am broke, my family is a mess. I am lonely as hell. I have probably got half a dozen mental problems that I need professional help for, but I am uninsured and broke, and the one therapy session I have gone to she ignored me when I tried to explain my problems and symptoms and just made me answer a mhs questionnaire she read off her computer. And I cannot stop thinking about my boyfriend who killed himself last year.~~ I have got some shitty stuff going on right now and I cannot see myself finding a way out of it besides taking my own life.I cannot wrap my head around the way the suicide hotline operator acted. What the hell did I say or do that made her think my call was disingenuous? Is it because I have called there before? I have before because it really had helped me up to this point to deal with all the horrible things in my life I do not know how to deal with. A few times the calls have felt forced and like the operator was just trying to get me off the line, but for so many of the times I talked to someone it honestly felt like they gave a shit about me, which is something that I do not really think I have felt from the people in my real life in the same amount in a long time.I am trying hard not to feel hurt because that feels like it would be petty and selfish, but... I am hurt for myself, but also strangely worried, I guess. I may still be here three days later but I feel more prepared, willing, and able to kill myself than I ever have before in my life. I even have half of a suicide note drafted for if I have to do it. What would have happened if she had said that to someone who was holding the gun or the rope or the bottle of pills in their hand already? What the hell would have happened to someone who got her when they called in and were maybe just hoping to to talk to someone before they died, and instead got accused of trying to abuse the system for their own amusement and were hung up on?How the hell could someone who works at one of these lines, who are supposed to be trained in talking people down from these urges. How could someone accuse someone who calls in of being a prankster and try to shame them for this perceived attack, then after hearing the caller promise that they were genuinely afraid that they were going to commit suicide and wanted some comfort or help, tell them that they have called too much before, and then hang up. I cannot stop thinking about what would have happened if someone else made that call instead of me.This makes things more complicated, but even though I feel angry, I also feel bad and guilty for feeling angry. These operators are overworked volunteers, and I know they have a script and a time limit, and they cannot actually offer any advice, and a bunch of other things that they can and cannot do. These people are signing up to try to help people but still have a lot of limits and stressors put on them to be able to do so. Their because is noble, even if their methodology is flawed. And I know that they get horrible horrible prank callers and sex callers all the time, so I can understand trying to make sure they are not wasting their time on those who steal it for their own pleasure when real people suffer when they do not get the support they need. I feel terrible for feeling hurt and angry at someone who was probably just trying to do her volunteer job to the best of her abilities. But I just cannot get her voice out of my head, especially now that I am sitting in my field watching the trees go up in flames in naked eyesight, and now that I am trying to think of the fastest and least messy way to kill myself when I leave. I cannot get it out of my head that she, and maybe all the other people who helped me, might have spent most of our calls thinking I was making it up for attention or for a laugh or god forbid for sexual perversion. I know that I cannot call back to them even though I do not know if I know how to deal with this stuff without calling them and asking. All the other times they have helped me feel tainted now, which makes me feel way worse about my problems. I just do not know what to say do think or feel anymore. Update: The Fire Has Gotten Worse",Suicidal +18542,"NO. FUCKING. BREAKS! Mind beating the ever living fuck out of your sorry miserable ass? Tough shit, buddy! Cuz you are going into that sweatshop shithole and you are going to have to pretend like everything is normal or you can be unemployed and miserable you unlucky sack of shit! Lament the fact you were born from brain damaged parents and get back to work dog The worst thing about being employed and suffering from mental illness",Depression +18543,i cannot anymore. i hate myself and i hate being alive I am going to kill myself in august,Suicidal +18544,"I'v been crippled with depression and anxiety since my early teens, and it had a catastrophic impact on my life.I am now early 30s and recently started antidepressants, i cannot help looking back at my past and compare myself to others.I had no social life or professional one for the past 15+ years, my whole life is like a big steamy crater after a nuke, there is nothing but sadness and despair. How does one forgive himself and move on? How can i start my life from zero in my mid 30s?!thank you for reading. How do you forgive yourself for the lost years",Depression +18545,"Everything just keeps getting worse and worse for me and the shit is that its going to get a lot worse from here. I am watching my health, social life, career, everything go to shambles and I do not see even a decent future for me anymore. I am a hairdresser I have never done anything else and now that is all out the door. Three months ago I was in extreme pain at work I was not sure if I could finish my shift I was about to walk to the ER because I was too afraid to drive, could not think straight, could not hold anything without fumbling and dropping it. I am still in pain everyday, cannot even open a water bottle by myself and I still do not know what is fully wrong with my body. All I know is bilateral carpal and now some issue in my spine/neck that my doctors are extremely concerned about. I do not know what I will be able to do for work, I will not be able to support myself on minimum wage. I am only 24 I am so afraid of this pain for the rest of my life because of potential permanent nerve damage due to poor working conditions and whatever issue is with my spine. I have read up on what the docs think it is and it says potential paralysis I know nothing is definite right now but I feel completely worthless, hopeless for the future, I do not see a point anymore. I do not want to live in this pain meds do not work for me I have tried so many already. If its as bad as my docs think it is I will never be able to be independent like I was before and then what? What is the point in anything? Never be able to have my own place, no one will want to be with someone that cannot contribute, idk how to articulate my thoughts right now but I am at my bottom. I do not want to feel like this anymore, I am tired of this horrible pain, I just want everything to stop, I want to be happy, I want to not stress 24/7, I do not want constant panic/anxiety attacks, I do not want anything anymore. I am actually worthless",Depression +18546,"Fuck all of you, fuck everyone on earth. I just took two boxes of SSRIs. Bye. Just overdosed, I hate everyone",Suicidal +18547,"Been in depression for the past 1.5 years , its getting worse application Rejected Twice . I just count days for the Application to be accepted I do not Enjoy anything in life anymore. I am Going insane, my peers have Moved Ahead in life whilst I cannot even face my family out of embarrassment. Please help Got Bad grades, cannot get into College.",Depression +18548,I have no desire to do anything at all this week.&nbsp;I really lost the motivation.&nbsp;I do not even know how to help myself. An Empty Soul,Depression +18549,"I really did think about suicide a lot as a kid and teen, failed (kind of sad) attempt as a teen, one attempt in 20s. My 29 birthday is coming up and I refuse to even celebrate it because I have accomised absolutely nothing in life. I can barely work dead end jobs unrelated to my degree that do not even add up to full time. Due to mental illness I put a huge burden on my sister. I have almost no ""real"" friends, the only reason I am actually still am alive is because I do not want to because my sister pain from either finding my body or me dying in a random field and her never finding I stopped actively planning. I guess that is progress for now. Does anyone actually deal with having passive SI most of the time? Suggestions? Before you ask yes I do have a therapist Passive suicidal ideation",Suicidal +18550,i know my parents will not believe me if i confessed my thoughts and even if they did it would spread like wildfire and then everybody would know. killing myself is seeming easier and easier than any other option how do i overcome the fear of asking for a therapist,Suicidal +18551,every night i usually cry myself to sleep and want to die but the next morning i still feel shitty but my mood is kind of not as bad it was the night before. its like this almost everyday which makes me question if I am experiencing actual depression thoughts or just sadness.. but its been going on for awhile now is it really depression if I am not sad 24/7,Depression +18552,"I have wanted to die since i was around 10. the only thing that really stopped me was i did not have access to a gun, and my youngest brother and oldest sister will be sad. i do not care about my siblings or myself anymore, but the gun thing is still a problem. i really wish there was an easier and 100% way to go. if you want to get critical even a gun is not 100%. i saw someone else post that they had become a hollow she will of what they used to be, and i think that is exactly what happened to me. being gifted turned into burnouts and now constant disappointment. i really cannot continue. i cannot wait for the day i can purchase a gun. that will be the same day i fucking shoot myself. does anyone here have a gun so they can come and shoot my brains out then shoot theirs second? like a buddy system? how great would that be. what it does to you",Suicidal +18553,I am 19 and I honestly growing up I have been alone I am the only guy I have 2 sisters and my dad was not in the picture but I have always been alone in school I had friends but now that I am out its just me and hones since like November of 2020 I have been praying everyday that something bad happens to me something that ends up killing me..I really do not have a purpose I sometimes get motivation and do things like I have little businesses started up but I just think why even try like ik its something for me but I hate myself I dislike myself I have been pushing myself away from my mom and sisters because I know one day I am about to say fuck it and end it just waiting for the right opportunity. If this is all life is going to be i might aswell leave nobody would miss me Is this really all,Depression +18554,"I am lost and do not know what to do or how to thinkGo back one month, me and my girlfriend (its an online relationship) break up, she left me because of just dumb arguments and stupid shitSo I am single at this point, and I feel like I enjoy being single I talked to another girl to spite the girl who dumped me and it felt good, I liked it. Then the next morning she texts me and is super sorry and wants to date again and regrets it all, I feel terrible that she is hurting like that and I instantly jump back in, then I start getting thoughts like what if I do not want to date anymore? Like intrusive thoughts.This gave me the biggest panic/anxiety ever that I have had since that day, so now we go back 2 weeks ago, my anxiety is so bad and I keep telling myself with intrusive thoughts I do not want to date, so I left her this time and I instantly regretted it so hard I got really fucked up emotionally, I begged for her back this time she said she liked being single and stuff but would try again.Since then I got into therapy, I tried improving myself for the relationship I paid all the money I had for online therapy, I got into IRL therapy I just had my session today and what we talked about was how much I love this girl and how to deal with intrusive thoughts.Now here we are 15 minutes ago she leaves me again, this time its final now I am just nothing, I am just laying here crying empty I do not know what to do or what to think I am just lost, scared and fucking sad. Not sure what to do or think anymore",Depression +18555,"Reading. Too much of my time is occupied in mindlessness. Getting engrossed in a good story is the perfect practice of mindfulness, and mindfulness is the key to everything. If you do not exercise your conscious cerebrum, your unconscious cerebellum takes over, and that part of your brain does not want you happy. It wants you scared, anxious, discontent and twisted up with longing and regret, because that is how it motivates the actions that keep you alive. It evolved long before complex emotion, and it does not give a damn about your heartache. Your heavy concerns are legitimate, but you are under no obligation to match your mood to your circumstances. How strange that we think we have no say in that! you are entitled to take charge of how you feel and who you are. If reading is not your thing, and you cannot see your way to changing that, find something else that pleasantly engages your full attention, and do it every day. Its not a magic pill, but it is a key to effortlessly tapping into the power you already possess. I have connected every single episode of depression and sadness I experience to the neglect of one single habit.",Depression +18556,"I am the fucking worst. I am a terrible, selfish, awful girlfriend. I treat my girlfriend terribly and I do not deserve her. I should just die. I definitely do not deserve to start another relationship. I do not deserve to.be in this one. I hate myself. No one should ever have the displeasure of being in my company. I am a selfish, stupid bastard and I am heartless and should go jump out of the window. No one should ever get close to me. No one should ever love me. I should be thrown out with the rest of the garbage. I am the most inconsiderate shithead awful girlfriend. She should just leave me. I am not worthy of love. I am such a piece of shit",Depression +18557,"I am 21 years old with a goregous 1 yo daughter and and an amazing girlfriend but we have so many problems as a family , we both live with our parents currently as finding a house is so difficult where we live and finding a good job is even harder. I have not been diagnosed w depression and I have never seen anyone about it but I feel like recently I have had an overwhelming sadness and feeling of being trapped or stuck in life hover over me. I feel like my family struggle to understand this point of view but I want my own family of my girlfriend and daughter to have a great life but life really is tough. Feeling overwhelmingly trapped in life",Depression +18558,"I am at that point I feel. I am slowly getting worse and worse and I have not gotten better at all. I have been getting more and more tired. I sleep in later and even then I am still half awake during the day. Eventually I will be too tired to end it and then I will be stuck. I am going on vacation next week and we will probably go to some nice hotel. A nice, big, and hopefully tall enough hotel. I have to do it now or it will be too late",Depression +18559,"I would have done it years ago, there is nothing for me here. I do not feel happiness, and I never have, I do not remember any time in my childhood where I did not want to die. I wish somebody could tell me how to kill myself, that is easy, not painful and will work. I just want out of this if there was an easy, promising way",Suicidal +18560,"Everything hurts. Not enough that I cannot function, but enough that I struggle. Work is hard. I am on my feet for hours and I come home and I am in so much pain the moment I sit I cannot move for hours. I got new shoes and it does not help much. Today my entire chest and stomach was shocked with pain and I nearly cried but I could not breathe. I was in public too, so I just sat until it passed. My ribs still hurt and that was hours ago. Nothing makes me feel better. I cannot afford to go to any special doctors and even if I could, they would tell me to lose weight. I fucking want to but everything hurts so damn much and I never have energy and half the things I eat make my stomach feel like its going to explode. I do not want this fucking body. I hate how it looks, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how hard it is to do basic tasks. I look in the mirror and I want to cry. I hate this fucking flesh vessel. I wish I could cut it into chunks and throw it away. I do not want it. It only makes me miserable. I just want energy to try and fix something about this so I can feel a little better. I do not want this body",Depression +18561,and I am like actually terrified of addiction but at the same time they all appeal to me like they flip the switch to the good side for a while and that is all I want sometimes it is badI just get like the occasional moment of clarity and it is like I finally reach the middle ground between being so horribly miserable and being so intense and happy that I do not even feel like myself I just feel like an unconscious machine that is doing things right and that is good so do not think about it yknowI just want to feel like the same person all the time I do not want to keep forgetting and remembering how it feels to exist kind of scary that I only really feel happy on drugs,Depression +18562,"I am a very ugly person. I wish I looked like everyone else, then life would be perfect like theirs. I have never been in a relationship or kissed a girl, god forbid lose my virginity. It is not worth living in my body. If only people cared about personality and not only looks. I am only happy when I put myself in other people's skin and imagine what life would be like as them. Luckily I have a bunch of fucked up health stuff so nature will take its course soon. If not in the next year I will probably take my own life. I do not actually have anyone in my life who would care if I killed myself so luckily I will not feel guilty while doing it. Not worth living when you are ugly",Suicidal +18563,"I have always had bad depression and anxiety issues. But today seeing and hearing things is just... Too much. Any things. Like the volume of existence is cranked up to 130db. it is better if I curl up in bed with my eyes shut. But I have not been able to actually fall asleep either. Has anyone had experience with this? I always have gotten really overwhelmed, but nothing at all like this. For the first time in my life, I felt over stimulated by being awake. At all.",Depression +18564,"I am too muchI'm a burden and I have been one to everyone for as long as I can rememberI make everyone wish they were not around meI am useless and worthlessI was thrown awayI was thrown away for someone youngerSomeone more willingSomeone betterI was abused by my mom, my worst abuserShe made me feel like a burdenI was abused by my second partnerHe made me feel guilty and anxiousI was abused by third partnerHe made me feel insane and mentally unstableI was abused by my ex husband/fourth partnerHe made me feel like I was never enough in every aspectMy ex husband threw me awayHe threw me away and he wasted no time bringing in the one he threw me away forI am distracting myself with othersI am distracting myself with affectionI feel love for someone who treats me with kindness, but I am only ever a burden to the ones who love me and I do not want to him to waste his time because everyone has proven to me that I am a waste of breathI do not want to live anymoreThese last few months have been a lotA lot of painA lot of hardshipA lot of trialsA lot of mistakesA lot of new experiencesAnd five people who have shown me extraordinary kindness that I feel as though I do not deserveIm not meant to be here anymoreI wish I had succeeded 7 years ago I am a burden to everyone around me and I just want it all to be over",Suicidal +18565,"Anxious thought: it will be like this forever. Redirect: I am telling you man it will not. I just experienced the craziest turnaround. It literally feels miraculous. And all your distorted thoughts will seem to matter so much less. You can think them and not respond emotionally. you are not trapped in your mind. Your mind is wide and spacious, open to new ideas. you are still a human being with limitations but you can accept those limitations. And the feeling of joy, good God, it is worth it. Family and laughter and good food and all things HUMAN. Its good to be human. You should not want to be anything else. You are loved and love is enough. And ideas of God or freedom or evil or eternity, they are not what is causing this pain. They will still be there and they are worth struggling with but they are NOT your enemy. You got this brother. Read this again. And I know you are going to say you just do not understand. But I do. I am sitting here not six hours removed from the worst day of your life and I am telling you IT GETS BETTER. Sometimes all the way better. My hole was pretty deep and here I am standing at the top of it looking down. So weep six times a day. Tell everyone you meet that its all for naught. Be mad at God. Be mad at life. Wish you were a cat. But when the sun shines again, come back here and thank me. Everyone is in your corner. Especially me. Because I am right here, waiting for you. The right drug, the right time, the right person, the right therapy, the right fucking random collusion of events and everything can change. Hope IS NOT foolish. Hope is a big fuck you to a cold, universe that tricks you into believing there is nothing more here for you. And anything that heartless deserves a big fuck you. BELIEVE. And let other people hold that belief for you. They want to. They get something out of being there for you. You build intimacy. You share their love. You bolster their truth. Were all in this together. Well all in the same fight. And it is so so worth it. I am telling you. It is worth it. One more time for the people in the back. IT IS WORTH IT. Now shut the fuck up and do the work. Some encouragement for you.",Depression +18566,"I have had this yearning feeling for a home for a while now. I keep thinking how I want to go home but when I think about it, I do not know where home is for me. I have been living away from my family for about 4 years now. I miss them and I would love to live with them for a bit but at the same time I do not want to live with them. I miss them but I had a shitty childhood. I moved away for a reason. I feel like running away and living in the middle of nowhere. By myself. With no shit to deal with. But I also feel so alone and lonely. I feel like I have nowhere to go. Even when I am sitting in my room or laying in bed. I do not feel at home. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I do not want to exist anymore. I wish the earth would swallow me and I cease to exist. I am so tired of living and yearning for something that eludes me. I just want to go home. I want to go home but I do not know where home is anymore",Depression +18567,"Hi, I am 22(M) and I do not know what depression really is but rn I feel irritated over every fuckin thing, I cannot sleep properly, nothing exciting is happening in my life. Sometimes I wake up at midnight and cannot sleep again even if I am tired. And when I feel like irritated I kind of want to punch myself or throw something in my hand, mainly hurting myself. So what should I do to get back to my happy life? Suggestions.",Depression +18568,"I am scrolling through Reddit looking at people's depression posts and self harm photos trying to find someone to save and maybe they will save me too, is that selfish? Is it feeding into a negative path? Is it triggering me? Is this constant state of loneliness and feeling unwanted going to bury me? Please help.... M [24] Please Help Me",Depression +18569,"July 20. that is when I am doing it. that is when I am killing myself. I do not even know why I am typing it. Maybe I am hoping that I am saying this in hopes that the world is going to fuck up my plans as it normally does. But as far as I am concerned, I am going to kill myself on July 20. it is been fun but I can no longer continue. July 20.",Suicidal +18570,I went to the place where it all went wrong. It hurts more than I thought. she is still gone. My life still fucking sucks. I am drunk right now. I am even driving. Fuck this. Super close to it this time,Suicidal +18571,"I do not really know what I did wrong. My family and very few friends do not like me at all. I have one cousin who shows any interest in me but other than that everyone just fucking hates me. I guess it is my fault for being such a worthless oxygen wasting piece of shit who contributes nothing. I was not born with any kind of talent, nor good looks or intelligence in any field. It would have been nice to have either looks or smarts, considering most people have at least one of those, and everyone at my school has both. it is frustrating seeing everyone around me being literally perfect in every way. I am only happy in my own mind, where I imagine myself as someone else. I am such a degenerate incel clown looking bastard. But luckily I have a bunch of fucked up health stuff going on so nature will probably take its course soon. I suck.",Depression +18572,it comes in goes in waves when I am okay and eating and I am kind of happy i guess but then i break down and then I am really miserable for days or its really fast and it happens in seconds. i do not want to deal with life I am tired of it all I am tired of people and jobs and everything i want to die so bad but I am so scared i think I am going to kill myself soon,Suicidal +18573,I cannot stop my mind from overthinking. i try. My thoughts are sooo over my head. Obsessing over things. I just wish someone would tolerate me for who i am. The real me. I wish. I am tired of pretending. Faking smiles. Tired. Tired. Tired.,Depression +18574,kind of want to hire someone to kill me at this point. Fuck it,Depression +18575,"Idk this pandemic and the way my life is going has me thinking, ""when do I just do it?"" I have lived alone for the first time in my life since may 2020. I am a 31m that makes a decent living but starting working from since May of last year and just feel like I am a complete waste of life and space. My only friend is my Mom who I talk to like 4-5 hours a week. I have not felt joy in many years and do not see it coming back. I tried to see mental help professionals but the video calling therapy does not do it for me and it is been impossible to set up an in person visit. How do you know when it is time?",Depression +18576,"I have my passport now. The plan was always to travel to the places i wanted to go, to see them with my own eyes, and then come back home to commit suicide. To be someplace comfortable as i do it. None of my family have any idea. None of them know how much my mind is messed up. Part of me wants to die. Part of me wants to live. I know the traveling would not change my mind. I know people and i know societies and i know art and the feeling of awe-inspiring sights. I just want to see some before i die. I have always believed in the science of the universe. Always that a god cannot exist. That religion is false. And yet... Lately i think the part of me that wants to live is trying to buy into that the universe is sending me signs to live, or i have a destiny, or my destiny lies elsewhere. Years ago in the periods of the year i was not feeling suicidal, i never would have believed something like that. I still kind of do not. I feel so certain about the illogical nature of religious entities and the evidence surrounding them. Yet it is like my mind and beliefs are clashing against each-other, because of my inner suicidal nature. There are so many reasons to commit suicide for me. Ever since i was a kid i have been struggling and thinking about it. Confused about what to do. Still in two minds of whether to do it",Suicidal +18577,"I live with my toxic and emotionally and physically abusive parents. Today was a breaking point as my mom got so mad, she started throwing stuff and verbally insulting me. My dad has also threatened to hurt me and call me names. I have gotten depression and anxiety from them. I am also taking summer classes and it is difficult to study in this condition. I cannot live like this and need to move out. How to move out with no job?",Depression +18578,"I am currently over thinking about my relationship and I am headed to a dark place. I feel like I am not good enough for my partner, and that they will leave me if I end up hurting myself. I have been clean for a over a year now but I am having the urges to do it again but I know that my partner does not like it when I did so I end up hating myself because it hurts them too. Over thinking",Depression +18579,I have no one and it sucksLike everything is just so shit like I can never find anyone to talk to because I am so awkward and useless. Like I want to talk to someone but the one person I want to talk to I think just hates me and does not care like everyone.Idk why I am even posting this I have no one,Depression +18580,I do not know why am I feeling this since this week.&nbsp;I literally feel so lost.&nbsp;Even hearing people starting to talk will agitate me more than before.&nbsp;I do not know what am I supposed to do to feel better. Been having an empty soul for the past few days,Depression +18581,"Does anyone ever feel like your childhood, and your teen years were stolen from you? Mostly because of factors your could not control? Some factors you probably could control but you did not realize till it passed? Like having toxic parents, anxiety and depression coming from those parents, overbearing mother, who stopped me from playing sports, who made me very reserved, who forced me to hang out with kids I never liked. My low self esteem and low confidence, and a depression that grew even worse, then finally a terrible breakup, one of which you are still not fully recovered from. Even 3 years later. Everyday is a waking nightmare, there are small moments of peace but everyday is a struggle to get though. I wish I had a time machine to relive my childhood and teen years. I am so fucking depressed I fully believe I will never get better. Anyone else relates? I want my childhood years",Depression +18582,"My entire life I have just wanted someone to love me. I do not have friends, nor have I ever had a girlfriend. I feel like giving up. I am very introverted and shy, I have Asperger's so I cannot socialize well. I struggle to look people in the eye, I do not know how to start a conversation, small talk is hell for me, the usual. I feel like I just do not fit in in this world and I am not built for dating especially. it is killing my mental health. I want love but everything I try fails. People do not want to be around me because I am depressed and suicidal, all i want is for people to want to be around me. I feel like it is a paradox and I am just stuck forever. I have been to therapy for years and years, I have tried ""working on myself"" since I was born, and I still have gotten nowhere. And yet the people with everything and the people who have dated or had friends their entire lives tell me that ""I will find someone eventually""I get messages from people online when I post on here and it is very kind but I feel terrified to respond and I feel like a jerk for not responding. I just do not want to be told that I am annoying, ugly, stupid and all the other things my ""friends"" called me. And I do not know how to respond.I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried to stop caring about it but it is impossible for me to not get jealous of people who are happy. I feel like I am not built for this world because of what I was born with.I want to fucking die but I am too much of a coward.(I am sorry this is very much a rant. I did not know where else to put it) I feel like I am not meant to be loved",Suicidal +18583,"If you do not have results, people do not believe that you are trying. Pipe up about how you have tried so many coping techniques and now are doing X, Y, and Z. And they come at you like ""ohhh, so you are not even trying A.... hmm sounds like you do not want it enough. that is why you are like that"". It really does not matter how hard you try",Depression +18584,"As far as I can remember, I did not have a hard time growing up. At least not comparatively. My parents materially supported me, never hurt me physically, and took me to the doctor and to school every day. I did well in school. I had friends. And I am ""talented"" But I am also depressed and an alcoholic.I do not know anyone else in my family that suffers from depression. I do not know anyone else who has a drinking problem. Yet, here I am. When I was little I wondered if I was adopted. I did not belong to my family in some undetectable, covert way. a changling. something. and I still feel that way.I just do not understand myself on a fundamental level. I feel like I want to die, but it is a very specific type of wanting to die. I want to restart. I fantasize about restarting. Like in a videogame, when you can ""re-spec"" your character and make them more of what you want instead of what you spent all those hours mistakenly turning yourself into. that is how I feel about my life. I have spent the past 10 years grinding to get XP in a skill I do not even want anymore. And I do not know what else I would rather be doing either. So I keep grinding. It feels empty. Even when I am recognized for how good I am at my job, it means nothing. *It means Nothing.* No amount of love from a partner makes me feel loved. No amount of praise makes me feel praised. No amount of anything makes me feel anything but *just so goddamned sad.* I have a friend who has been in an outpatient mental hospital for six months who I am so jealous of. I want to drop everything and do that. I want to check out, but then my life would fall apart and all of the XP I have been building up would become even more meaningless. I would lose my job altogether and in some ways, it is the only tangible connection to reality I have left.They say the conditions for suicidal ideation are alienation and despair. I feel both. And I have tried forcing myself to alleviate those things. Going out, attempting to date. I have been sober for over a year. But I still hate myself and want to die. Sometimes I wish I could point to something and say ""there! that is what is wrong with me! that is why I do not fit in in the world!"" but I do not have that. it is just something I am, vs something that happened to me. If that makes sense. I feel incredibly selfish just feeling this way. So many people would love my life if they had it. instead, I am slowly letting it rot away as I consider self-harm again for the first time since I was a teenager. I have already begun food restriction, which is a tactic I used as a teen to feel some kind of control over my self-hatred. Sometimes, now, I hit myself or run into things to help feel ""punished"" enough to move on from bad feelings and mistakes. I have not cut yet, but the idea of it makes me salivate. I do not know what to do. It feels like no one understands. I hope you do. I am living my dream---why does it make me want to die",Suicidal +18585,Hello I am 22 years old I was bullied by a girl when I was 16 I left school since then mainly because I have breasts she thinks there so big and I am c 14 quite small I do not know why is she jealous most likely she called me ugly stupid guys like pretty flat chestGirls only yet I got more boys than her so I am not ugly I never view myself as that even at 21 I had strangers calling me beautiful my family calls me that friends said I am far more beautiful than her she is just jealous my boyfriend always tells I am adorable and that is why he fall in love with me and she got mad hes cuter than hers And thinks he should be with her he told her to fuck off she is still doing this shit Still bullying me over shit,Depression +18586,Ever since I was a teenager I have battled suicidal thoughts. I thought by the time I was at this stage in my life Id be happy. I am on the right path and look like I am succeeding on the outside but on the inside I am struggling again. I am 22 and I do not know how I can live the rest of my life feeling like shit no matter what I achieve. My boyfriend does not even know my past or what I am going through and he never will. I cannot stop the intrusive thoughts or the outbursts of anger. The worst is the embarrassment after I have a meltdown. I get so emotional and angry and I cannot help myself. I just need someone who can actually understand. Does it ever get better,Suicidal +18587,"I am living for you mom. I love you so much. you are the only person in my world I want to live for I guess even whenever I show other people care and support, no one ever shows it back. Besides my mom",Suicidal +18588,"I was kicked out of my house two months ago. Maybe I left it. I do not know. I got into an argument with my mother and as I was trying to leave my stepfather grabbed me and started to hit me. So I fought back. And my older sister was on his side, she helped him. I was barely bruised but I left because I knew that it would be deadly next time. And I am pretty sure I had no choice, because my mother was yelling about how crazy I was as I left. I first tried to move in with my father. We had not talked in 5 years except for one weekend. But that weekend went well and he told me he loved me and I thought that I was still his child so I thought I could go to him. But he told me he is not an escape. So I ended up staying with my best friend. Next year I graduate, but that is still a full year I have taking up her space. I cannot even get a job because I have no identification. I am going hungry some days because I do not want to ask for food because I know it is not my money and I am not their responsibility. Her mother's boyfriend is an alcoholic. He gets drunk and he yells and gets violent and I am afraid that one day he is going to remember that I exist and he is going to remember that I am trans and he is going to remember that he is homophobic. I do not know what to do about college. I am very good at school so I should get into a good college but I do not know how to fill out the applications with no information about my parents. My school told me I do not have to worry about that for the FAFSA, but they have not said anything about actual college. I just feel so alone. I want someone to talk to and someone who cares. there is nobody I can tell all of this to. My best friend knows, and she is wonderful. But she is not the kind of person to comfort others and that is all I want. It' would be so much simpler to die. I do not matter to anyone. I feel like I have lost any hope of becoming a successful person. I do not know what to do anymore. It would be easier to just die.",Suicidal +18589,"My life is proof that depression is a chemical imbalance. I thought my depression was caused by working a menial job, until I landed my dream career. Then I thought the depression would go away once I lost weight. It helped a bit but I am back at square one. I honestly cannot think of a single area in my life that I can improve in order to cure this. I have tried therapy but I feel judged because my therapist would say you do not seem depressed. I do not have severe trauma to unpack, I am just empty. Can anyone else relate? Empty",Depression +18590,I am so confused and it is like I cannot control my own thoughts and my brain over here is setting itself on fire... it is like in my head I am crying and screaming..and I am on high paranoia to the point where it feels self destruction (suicide) would be the logical solution. I do not know what to do when my head gets like this I feel so out of touch Anxiety out of control,Suicidal +18591,"I have never been so close to just ending my life. I have been unable to walk for over a year, and just got another job again. However, my left leg is not doing so well and I will probably need surgery. I have had multiple surgeries on my right knee, got denied workmans compensation, and eventually lost my job because my FMLA was up. A few weeks ago, my girlfriend left me for someone else and all I want to do is take the leftover percocet I have from my operations. I did everything for her and bent over backwards, always there for her when she was suicidal, but when I told her how I felt she left me and said ""good luck"". Discarded like a used fucking tampon. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for about 14 years now and every day just brings me closer. Work in 5 hours and I cannot sleep, I am not sure what to do, guys. I have nobody and I keep telling myself being alone is okay, but sometimes it is not. I felt like I was making so much progress with my trust issues, but she fucked it up so bad. I am so tempted to take these pills, guys. Even if I did kill myself, she still would not care. She left me to die, no remorse. I still have some goals, but if my body keeps breaking and I am not able to obtain them... I just do not know anymore. Rock bottom.",Depression +18592,"I feel so lost. I am in college but I feel like a loser because I am an older student. I feel so behind in life and like I should just give up because I am not good enough. I am stupid and cannot do anything right.I am not the child my parents wanted. My cousins and other relatives are successful and married and attractive and it freaking hurts. The man I wanted told me he did not want a relationship then rubbed his new significant other in my face, I feel so broken, ugly and unwanted. The person I was supposed to marry awhile back is engaged to the person they cheated on me with. Why does no one want me? Why do not I make anyone happy?I hate my job. I feel like they hate me. I do not belong. anywhere. No one would miss me if I was gone. I cry everyday and I feel like I have no where to turn. I hurt everyday wondering why I have to be the ugly loser no. One ever wanted and why I am so sad all the time. I am sorry for all this but I needed to get it out because I have no one to turn I am so fucking depressed and I do not know what to do",Depression +18593,"I am 23 years old. I just need a reset on life. I messed up this life too much. The more I live the worse it WILL get. I am not even depressed, I am in a pit, a bottomless pit. Which is way worse then a depression. Each day that pit just sinks deeper and deeper and the light just fades away. I am introverted but when I need to, Id play a character out in social settings. I am self destructing myself everyday. I am a predator, I prey on people, even my own family members. Mentally I am insane, psychically I am deteriorating, I am just losing. 2020-2021 is the year I have been the most suicidal. Probably because that is when most of the problems started. Honestly feel like its karma. I have done a lot of bad, bad stuff that just eats me alive. I deserve all the pain. If anything fucked up has to happen to someone,it should happen to me. there is nothing going on for me right now. Got money stolen from multiple times after I busted my ass to work for it, its just crazy. Why did I have to be put into this? I worked so hard to getting the thing that would ease my mind, and it got taken away.. there is no reason for this prolonged suffering. The more this goes on the more impulsive and psychotic I am getting !I am sorry to my younger self. I am sorry I neglected you. I wish I could have stopped doing those horrible things to you, unfortunately you had a monster growing inside you. Poor kid never had a chance. Self pleasure is the only thing keeping me alive, its the only thing that brings me euphoria. I am too apathetic for this lol. I am also possibly undiagnosed with a lot of shit, oh well I could care less. I also often listen to aiding audios every night that do help a bit. God forbid I get my hands on a gun! let us all just jump into a suicide pit! Fuck my life fuck my life up! But on the contrary who knows, I may one day find the light and come to consensus, as in the next 10 mins, but then bipolar comes back and I am right back into this pit. I am surrounded by so many people yet I still feel alone. I am not expecting anyone to relate with me. I am too far out of the loop. WTFFFFFFFFF. God is a cunt. (If he exists) like why cannot you just snap your fingers and heal me? Ill tell you why its cuz he does not exists lol [Somedays You Just Need A Life Reset, You Know?]",Suicidal +18594,"I am borderline. Very bad borderline diagnose.All my life I have screwed up.I feel like there is no hope for me.I want to go to sleep, I have taken my meds, but all I can think is that I do not want to be alive anymore.Looking for someone to talk. About anything. I need to distract myself from these thoughts.",Suicidal +18595,Why did you let myself think anyone would care about me. My own family wants me to fail at everything. Why would I think my boyfriend would give a shit. my previous relationship did not teach me anything because apparently I am incapable of learning. I hate myself so much. I hate my life. I am now looking up exit bags. I just cannot believe my own stupidity. I am so fucking weak. How could I let myself believe that anyone gave a shit. I am the worst kind of moron,Depression +18596,"So this all started about 6 months ago, my grandma had a stroke and was dying (we did not know if it would take a week maybe a few months we were not sure). So I decided to book a flight for me and my Fianc down to visit as I have not had the chance to visit in 6 years. The week of the flight all three of my vehicles broke down to where it would cost more to repair them than they were worth, that was not too bad, I had a little money saved up because my fianc and I were trying to save for a house. I figured I would dip into that and replace them when I get back, it was a bummer for sure though. I get down to Florida and my grandma does not even remember who I am which tore me up. I felt so bad because I had not been down to see her in awhile and by the time I did she could not hardly speak and her dreams were more reality than her grandson sitting in front of her. While I was down I figured I would visit my best friend of 15 years and we hung out for awhile and the next day I went to go spend time with my family. My fianc did not want to go so I left her at the house while I was visiting. Turns out my fianc was screwing my best friend while I was visiting my family. I only caught her because I woke up at 3am that night had a bad feeling and looked at her phone.I was devastated and that tore me up bad. I could not believe it. We were together 6 years and I never expected this out of my best friend or her. I was blindsided. Turns out when we gamed on Xbox together they had been chatting for awhile before this and took the opportunity to hook up while I was down to see my dying grandma. Went back home, I tried to mend things but when it was clear she did not want to I did my best to move on. At this point I am back home, sad I just lost my best friend, my fianc, and soon to lose my grandma, and still bummed about my vehicles I did not know what to do. I got super depressed, went drinking with some family, and then decided to do my best to use the pain to better my life. I read two 450 page self help books, I found a better career for myself that pays really well, I started working out and yet, everyday I think about my fianc. I wish I could stop and I hate it and no matter how much I improve my life I am still sad all the time. I just found out about a week ago my x fianc moved down to my x best friend and they got a place and are living together. It basically reset my depression, and then my grandma just passed and I am not sure what to think, feels like I am back at square one. Its been just over 6 months since all this happened to me and I am still broken from it. How long does it take people to heal? This has been pretty traumatic for me. I just want to suck it up and move on. I Had a lot of bad things happen to me recently-ish",Depression +18597,Living in a house where people do not care have not eaten for 4 days straight have ni money in my pocket i just do not want to live anymore but I am nit going to kill myself or something its just like if i collapsed and died it will be fine for me I cannot Take this anymore,Depression +18598,"I know that I should not put so much into a guy. I do not know why my head goes here now that it is all ending. I know it is not healthy. But I am happy most of the time. I feel loved more than I do not. I feel so good and comfortable. I feel so in love. I think about our future, and our kids we may have, and so many other things that are so good that are all about to go away.I do not want another guy. I just want to be happy with this guy. But for some reason now that all this is happening, I just want to hurt myself. I want to cut, I want bang my head up against a wall, tie a rope around my neck, stand in front traffic and see what happens. I am so fed up with feeling unloved and unwanted by the person I want and love the most. Why does me and my boyfriend breaking up make me feel this way?",Suicidal +18599,"I have been depressed for as long as I remember. Sad, alone & broken but I cannot be fixed because I do not believe I am good enough for love. When I am told I do not believe it & I do not think I ever will. I feel trapped in myself, I hate myself & I do not think that will ever change. I am sorry for dumping all this on everyone I just wanted someone to know this is how I feel everyday. I do not want any advice & I am not in danger. Just needing to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading. I am broken & just want someone to hear it.",Depression +18600,I wish I could just whither away to nothjng. I have no motivation or desire to live for myself anymore. I do not have anyone else to live for either. I just do not have the energy to even try anymore. I was angry before now I just feel hollow and hurt. I do not even feel anything now.,Suicidal +18601,my sister asked me to model for this photo she said she needs 5 models i said i did not want to do it (btw the photo was for a good because that could really help my country) when i said no she said I am a disgusting and that i should kill myself and I am a bad person and that she is disappointed for not wanting to do this? i have no confidence maybe i should really die rant,Depression +18602,"Depression taught me that I did not want to actually die. I love this World all the trees, flowers and animals. But I was trying to escape the system and the situation I was trapped in. The only way I could was changing my mind frame, priorities and the way I see this World. Now I live for myself, the animals, trees, oceans, skies, because this Planet gives us an unconditional love everyday and that love is more beautiful and pure than anything and I deserve to be here. I just needed to learn to connect to something that is real and natural. Our relationship with ourselves, the World, nature and the universe is real and that connection starts with gratitude for the life given. The system/society we live in is false and that is what your mind is escaping from. The pressures and burdens of society are not natural and our bodies know it! It put us in a state of depression but do not let it defeat you. Instead become aware and rise like the phoenix. Strip yourself down to the nature of the world, that is how we heal. This world needs you. Nature needs you. You need you. Connect to the unconditional love of the Planet that surrounds you everyday and you realise you will never be alone. What did suicidal depression teach me?",Suicidal +18603,"I married overseas thanks to stupid mother and I married a moron , vicious moron . I divorced the freak and my kids are with him. They did not finish high school. My kids did not finish high school",Depression +18604,I cannot live like this anymore. My parents are driving me crazy and making me worse. I want to run away but I cannot. I am stuck and I am scared. I am not who they want me to be but I cannot change that. They will not let me an adult and I am tired of the control. I think I hit my last straw tonight. I cannot stop crying. I do not know what todo. I need someone. I am alone. I know this is messy but I am not in a right state of mind Rn I just keep fucking up.,Suicidal +18605,"I am starting this out by saying I am 17, so I am close to the age where you start getting you are shit together and getting out of your house and stuff. Since about 8 I have known my parents are junkies, and I have had to play adult most of my life because of this. I am the oldest out of me and my sister, and I have always felt responsible for my parents, making sure nothing bad happens to them, I developed separation anxiety as a child and its always been hard watching them cycle and fuck up and ruin themselves over and over again. I guess what I am trying to vent about is that because of the heaviness of this responsibility, I feel like I could have done more. I know I want to kill myself eventually, because I cannot go on and live my life knowing that I am going to watch them deteriorate more and more, and eventually die because of what they have done to themselves. I do not want to watch it knowing they chose drugs over me and my sister every single time. I cannot live and experience that sort of grief. I know I should hate them for what they have done but I do not. If I know they are never going to stop using, I want to be the one to go first. I feel like I deserve that at the very least, I am so so exhausted. I need to get this all out somewhere",Suicidal +18606,"I have always felt alone my whole life, for as long as i can remember. i do not know if i like it... or if I am just used to it, but i do know this: being lonely does things to you, and feeling shit and bitter and angry all the time just... eats away at you. a quote from a game i like",Suicidal +18607,"Idk what is wrong with me (19F). I have been thinking about death for 6 years now but right now I feel like that is it, I have nothing to lose, no desire for living. Like before I could understand to some extent why mentally very healthy people want to live but now no matter how hard I try I just cannot find the grace of life. I have gone completely numb, I do not even feel scared anymore and I do not want to fight it because i do not want to do anything. I do not want to be anybody, there are already enough people that can be useful for the world, why should i stay, i feel like a rat, a parasite you know. My family are tough, they will get over it. Literally the only thing keeping me alive is an upcoming season of a fucking netflix show, like that are not miserable enough Fck this sht imma head out",Suicidal +18608,"It does not make me mad at the people, its more like I just get really jealous. I wish I could just live in the moment, but its impossible to do when I am to busy hating everything about myself. I hate seeing everyone else happy",Depression +18609,"TW: 3 nights ago, I wrote out a 6 page note and took a ton of pills. But somehow, I still woke up. I was exhausted and slept the day after and the day after but was fine today. No one but my therapist knows what happened. Everyone in the house knew I was suicidal but they trusted me with my medication in my room (I am chronically ill so there is a lot) when they should not have. I have been trying to commit suicide since age 9 and that is not an exaggeration. I have tried so many times and it never worked. I even stepped in front a car to get run over. People always say it will get better or this too shall pass but it has not. I am 20 now, 11 years of feeling suicidal. I have never in my life felt more at peace than 3 days ago when I took those pills and left my notebook at the foot of the bed. I was relieved, I was happy that it was my last night. But it was not. I woke up. I wish I had those stories that I woke up or I was released from inpatient and I regretted it and I loved life. But I do not. there is so many times in my life where I think F***, I really wish it worked I am spiritual and I think maybe my dad (died when I was 12) will not let me die because he wants me to have a long life. Or maybe God has bigger plans for me soon. Maybe I am meant to be something, to do something. Maybe I have a purpose in this world and I am needed down here. But I just cannot figure out what that purpose is. I just keep crying because frankly, I am mad. I am mad that I am being kept in this place that I am miserable in. I have wanted to go up and visit my dad and PopPop and uncles and friends and everyone else I have lost but they do not want me. Not yet. Wishing it worked",Suicidal +18610,"I have attempted suicide more than a couple of times. I have done hanging, bleeding, suffocation but it is never worked. I have not been to school in more that twelve weeks and have so much work to catch up on. My parents are controlling and mentally abusive( I think). Does anyone have any tips on a perfect suicide?? Idk what to do anymore",Suicidal +18611,"After realizing my family situation is awful I am going to be moving in with some friends in a week, this is the first real desision I have made to better my life after not existing for 20 yearsIm an extremely depressed person and have a lot of issues with anxiety and idk I feel like I am going to ruin my relationships because of it, like my closest friends also have issues and when they tell me about it I just feel terrible, of course because I love my friends and I do not want anything bad to happen but also I just feel so useless like I cannot do anything to help them like why do I even have friends I am such a nothing person I cannot even make them feel better about themselves I have no personality like what am I why would these people open their home to me I do not benefit them in any way, I am already an anxious person but I am always worried I am going to fuck up and make them feel bad or ruin everything btw is it normal to constantly worry you are going to because your friends to take their own life? Like its irrational I know I have kind of always had this fear with all my friends like is that wrong its not out of ego I just genuinely feel like I am going to ruin my friends lives because I am just terrible Sorry I know this is incoherent I just needed to get this out there, idk what is wrong with me, what do you think? I just feel useless and unhelpful",Depression +18612,"I believe that what you are going through is unimaginably hardI understand, its not your faultI believe you when you say you are not being like this on purpose, you are not doing all this to just get attentionI believe when you say you have tried, you are trying, you have tried to get help, and you are fighting to get better.I believe youI believe in youI believe you have so much worthYou have so much potentialYou are enough, you are beautiful and strongYou are deserving of loveYou are deserving of joyYou are deserving of light, of lifeI believe in you always I believe you",Suicidal +18613,I do not really mean in a romantic way. I mean just as a human. I miss other humans! I miss having conversations and learning things about people. I want to go on adventures but I have no one to come with me. I just want to laugh with someone else about things. being a human that is not around a lot of other humans kind of sucks. life really sucks alone,Depression +18614,"I had a test today that has been on the schedule for three weeks. I studied and studied and stressed over it to the point where my period was late for 7 days which has never happened before. It was all I could think about. After the flight (it was a flight test, in the air, I am an aviation major) when my instructor told me hes not passing me on the test, the disappointment I felt in myself was so immense. It took every thing I had not to burst into tears while he went through the flight and detailed every single thing that I did wrong. I tried so hard for this test, everybody I talked to about it said you will do great! you always do! you got this! it will be amazing! and I think that is another reason it hit me so hard , bc I was so fucking embarrassed. I do not fail things. The whole time he was talking I just could not stop the thoughts of how worthless and stupid I was. It just kept repeating itself over and over in my head, his mouth kept moving saying the reasons why I failed and my brain kept telling me that I should just kill myself there is no point in trying so hard if this is the result, I wanted to hurt myself so so so bad. For some reason there is a sharp blade in my car and a few weeks ago I discovered that its very effective in making myself bleed. Its kind of like a scalpel? Again, I do not know why its there but it is (I think its like an eyebrow shaper or something my sister left in there??) but anyways it was basically all I could think about. When I left, of course, as soon as I got in the car I could not stop the tears from falling, any sort of negative feedback from a parent, teacher, colleague, etc always hits me so hard. I HATE being critiqued bc I am a perfectionist so there is usually nothing to critique. But anyways I kept myself from cutting somehow, the scars have been adding up and I do not want anybody finding out, there is only so many times you can blame it on the cat, or a branch, or the dog, whatever. I still had to release that disappointment in myself though so I ended up slapping myself a lot which ofc made things worse. and my face still hurts. Lol the amount of times I almost flipped my car on the highway tho on the way back to my apt, man Ill tell ya, it was difficult to not. My dog is the only reason I am alive I swear, thinking about him was the only thing that kept me going. When I got back I cried some more then fell asleep next to my doggo. I still feel worthless and the thoughts are terrible in my head and I wish I were dead but here I am venting to random strangers on reddit bc I feel guilty thinking about how my family would react if they found out I was dead. Its not fair that I am alive right now, I do not want to be, so why do I have to suffer for the next eighty years. I think deep down its why I chose to become a pilot, so I could kill myself easily if I needed to. If my family were all dead, god, I would jump off a bridge so fast. Anyways, moral of this story which is my life is think twice before you fail a student or tell someone something bad about them, you do not know their frame of mind and you may just be the reason they needed to kill themselves. This is not even a fiftieth of all the reasons I want to die, but the fact that just failing this test which I can retake btw, triggered me so much, I just do not want to do life anymoreI have a head ache from crying so much its so weird I almost never cry but lately its been happening a lot more. I think my body and will are starting to give up on my mental state so its not holding the tears back any more idk idk why does crying feel so terrible",Suicidal +18615,"Simply floating through life, a lithe and inconsequential object that people can mostly ignore on a whim. When I moan or tremble or shake just a bit too much for them, I just become all the more invisible. I have been suffering deeply for nearly a decade now. I admit that many of my problems stem from my self, but instead of being to muster up what feels like Herculean willpower and personal strength (both of which I do not have), suicide just genuinely seems like the better option. it is a sickening utilitarian conclusion, thoughtlessly turned into my personal mantra so that I do not have to dissect my own shortcomings more than I already do. The people in my life who have grown tired or bored or disgusted or frightened by me can finally seal off any residual ties that they might still have with me, and I can stop drowning in self-pity and remove myself from this wretched existence, like I should have done years ago. Faulty logic, I know, but I am in so much pain right now that it feels like the only thing I should do. I am scum, I hate myself, and I wish I was not here anymore. I am too much of a coward to do it, but I pray to some sort of cthonic entity that I can one day muster up some yet-unpossessed resolve and find a way to end my life. I am tired of it all, and yet it never seems to end. I need it all to stop. I feel like a spectre",Suicidal +18616,"Its been almost 7 years since I last saw my mom when I was 13 and I always missed her, now at 22 I was with a terrible job and living alone and when I wanted to call her she was always busy or talked in a really quiet voice. After a year of her dating her boyfriend she decided to tell me to ask for my opinion, I honestly did not really care but instead I told her that I was okay with it. After a couple months I asked her if I could go live with because I missed her I honestly missed her. When I arrived she cried for maybe 5 seconds and gave an awkward hug, her boyfriend is nice and so are his kids so I thought It would be fine and it was obvious he likes my mom a lot so I was happy. She started saying that she wanted to make up for the years I was not with her so she started buying whatever I wanted but that lasted only for maybe 2 or 3 months. Then it was the issue with the two kids, they were nice and I got along with them really quick but then we started to clash on some things. The older one lies a lot, to everybody (he tells you one thing and tells another to someone else) and the younger one wants to be in everybodys business, wants to know what everybody is doing. I started thinking that maybe I did not tolerated them anymore since they seem pretty close to my mom and I was jealous(because of some videos that they showed me I realized they only started calling her mom the moment they heard me say it since they called her godmother before). But my mom told me that she also saw how they were and she did not really believed them when they told her they loved her. Then the parents of her boyfriend came to visit along with their daughter in law. My mom became preoccupied with treat them well and show them she was not like his ex wife (she literally left the kids and her husband for another and took everything with her) but my mom started saying she was worried that the daughter in law was going to say something bad to me and told me to stay in my room and not leave, she also said that I could not go with them outside since we did not fit in the car. I talked to her about what annoyed me about the two kids and that I did not want to stay in the room all day, she made a face and told me how inconsiderate I was and that I never helped with anything. She always told me that I could tell her anything but she always told me that I was fighting over nothing, that why could I be more understanding. So I stopped saying anything to her and when she realized that I was mad and did not tell her why she asks why and tells me that I can always tell her everything. Now I started thinking that it would be better to just go back to living alone. I just do not know what to do, I am so tired maybe because is not only the two of us anymore. Sometimes I am glad she does not pay that much attention to me anymore because if she did she would know how bad I am at studying or being responsible. My Mom and her new family (sorry for the rant but I do not have anybody to talk about this)",Depression +18617,"I was there man, about to jump from the second floor of my school, ready to kill myself, but I took to long and I could not do it. Luckily they thought I was being stupid and not suicidal.Looking back at it, I should have tried harder to jump. These six years where not worth it, and now I will never have the guts to kill myself again like six years ago. I hate my brain so much. I should have killed myself 6 years ago when I had the chance",Suicidal +18618,"my room has gotten so messy because of the persistent and constant depressive episode I have been in. so much garbage i do not even know where to start to toss it all out; its mostly boxes from packages, but its been piling for ages now. i just never have energy to throw anything away.clothes everywhere, I have lost track of what is clean and what is not. do not really have anywhere to put the clean clothes as my closet is a mess and my drawers are full of other crap, i just feel like I am suffocating in my own disaster and i can hardly relax in my own room but i feel like i cannot do anything about it because i have no energy or motivation, and I am intimidated by the mess.i do not know what to do or where to start and i sure as hell will not ask my family for advice because they will just be judgmental. i am, LITERALLY, a disaster",Depression +18619,"Hello.I want to make this post short and direct. I would like to talk to a dr about depression and see if an anti-depressant would be right for me. I did not know that you could be seen online- tonight I saw khealth and it looks like you can see a doctor and get medicine for $20. I have previously used a website like Jasonshealth and I was able to get medical treatment at a very cheap price. I was skeptical but it was legit. So, I am just wondering about seeing someone for depression. I do not have health insurance. I am curious to know if anyone else has a recommendation?Thank you. Online recommendations to be seen for depression?",Depression +18620,"Hi, I met someone online, and our conversation ended up with them confessing to me. They say they have not eaten for over a week, nor slept. They tell me they think they are subconsciously trying to kill themself. I would like to help them, but I do not know how. I would appreciate advices. Thanks I worry a lot about someone rn",Suicidal +18621,"I have been kind of forced to resort to either takeout or protein bars lately, since I have basically no energy to prepare food. Even a simple boiled egg feels like I am climbing a mountain (although, strangely, cutting food into pieces without any appliances is fine). I do not care if the food is packaged, or if it is a raw veggie or something, I just have no energy left to heat anything. Also, **I do not have a microwave**. Give me all your ideas! Easy, no-prep, but healthy foods that you eat when depressed?",Depression +18622,"I am new here, so I do not understand how this works really but I need help. (At the very least hopefully typing this out will help me) I am very near to kms. I have tried those support lines in the past but they just kind of blew me off in various ways. I have never felt this low. I am stuck. I work a shitty low paying job that does not even let me live on my own. I have no hobbies/interests left. My memory is all kinds of fucked to the point where basically huge portions of my life are just blurs. I do not have any hope, motivations, goals, or friends. All I want to do anymore is just watch my fav tv shows/movies but that is not even giving me anything anymore. If anyone has any tricks, tips, or stories you think could help, please share. More likely this will float into the void of the internet and hopefully just typing will calm me down. Need help/tips as soon as possible",Suicidal +18623,"I do not want to work anymore. I do not have friends, I do not have a girlfriend. 99% of people I meet are just arrogant. I have musical passions but I am so tired. I think I might just want to go far into the woods and sit and rot. Why not. Thinking of going to go die in the woods.",Suicidal +18624,"I am in my early 30s but a lifetime of chronic anxiety, substance abuse in my late teens and twenties and tendency towards depression has left me feeling like a 19 year old man at best. I talk to people my age and think wow I am so immature and pathetic. I wish I could just get over myself and stop ruminating and worrying so much especially about social situations. Rant complete. My life is not all bad by any means, and I will hold on to that the best I can. I Feel Very Immature For My age",Depression +18625,"I am too ugly for dating apps. I am also too ugly to meet women in irl and have a relationship with them. I just feel like I was born to be alone. I feel like I was fucked and was just born to suffer. I wish I could just snap out of this mentality, but years of feeling like an ugly pos has made me this way. I have tried working out and therapy, but none of this shit is working. Too ugly for any woman to fall in love with me",Depression +18626,A shotgun with shells. I could be gone in a a matter of seconds. Like I never existed. My life does not matter. None of this matters.Nothing fucking matters.I want to fucking go. Fuck this place. Fuck my life. I cannot fucking stand it. Its under my bed,Depression +18627,"So a friend of mine sent two posts about how equally worthless everyone is. I asked him what happened and tried to help by remind him that he is good at singing and suits. But he said he got drunk and messed both up. I feel like i need to say something, but i do not know what to say. Please help My friend got drunk and messed up *urgent*",Depression +18628,"I am so sick of my life, i complain about not having money but then i have no job , but then when i want to get a job my social anxiety will not fucking let me. I am literally going through hell rn what is the point of living i have too many mental illnesses that is stopping me from doing simple things. i really want a job but i physically cannot bring myself to work because of my lack of self esteem and confidence. i turned 16 a few months ago, everyone my age around me got their permit have a job and their life just seems to be going well. how is it fair that i have to have all these mental illnesses and they do not. i hate my life what did i do to deserve this fucking illness. fuck anxiety and fuck depression. i hate my life I WANNT TO DIE",Depression +18629,"Why are we so scared to admit it? There is nothing we can do to change that, it is the basic rule behind all the things we see. Our life is predetermined at birth by a mere factor of luck, some of us are natural-born winner and achieve everything from life because such fate was written in their genes, some of us are just the opposite, a bunch of natural-born losers that are meant to fail till they die. A life of suffering that we cannot change, we are destined to pain and agony just because we were the unlucky ones... that is just ridiculous, this life is ridiculous. But you know what is worse? Worse than all the pain and all the unnecessary cruelty? It is knowing that we do not have any hope because all of this was just meant to be. Life is all about luck.",Suicidal +18630,"I just turned 25 and I have suffer with depression since middle school. I have attempted suicide before and fail, but I survived. I was able to get a fresh start that helped to delay the thoughts of death but now I am here. My last safeguard against death has fallen....I no longer fear death because my anxiety and insecurities in life are worst. I am the reason for why I cannot be happy everything that happens to me is my fault. on top of that, This world is a shit show I no longer want to be apart of. I just do not know... I am writting my suicide note for my family and friends and it hurts to think about this my mind is foggy. once the note is complete I will kill myself with CO poisoning. I have tried everything I could within my power: psych an counseling and etc. I just do not know how to keep going. I am giving up on life...my mind is foggy I cannot keep this up",Suicidal +18631,"And its not even a real bed. I am basically homeless if it were not for my parents, my dads been letting me sleep in his workshop. I got a 3 inch memory foam on top of an air mattress but still, when my dad leaves and I am done working for the day, I get in bed and its cathartic. Like I can finally let my stress-riddled mind just relax. Getting in bed is the highlight of my day",Depression +18632,"[Instead, I got this.]( So I was trying to do a little light reading...",Depression +18633,Have no reason not to anymore Hi world I am going to hang myself in the coming weeks,Suicidal +18634,"I am literally lying down and in tears for no apparent reason. I cannot make myself get up and work, make a meal, or do anything. I do not want to live like this any longer and it feels like no one understands. I hate being depressed",Depression +18635,"I am tired of everywhere I turn for help. Someone has something that I have wanted in life. A significant other, friends, or something that makes you happy. I am fucking tired of being envious of everyone. I know life is not fair, but I cannot help feeling this way. My life is a fucking mess. I do not want to be alive anymore. I do not want to be alive anymore.",Suicidal +18636,"No matter how much I try, I can never see on why someone would willingly talk to me with their time and actually treat me like a human. I have such a negative mindset onto myself that I cannot fathom why people would talk to the likes of me.Do they talk to me out of pity? Want something from me in the future as 'compensation'? Do they really not have anyone else better to talk to? Other than these 3 questions that I always get into my head, I cannot help but wonder why else they would talk to me without hating me as a person.I cannot help but wonder if I just tried a little harder, maybe I would not be suicidal either and probably would not have to think of these negative thoughts over and over again. Why do I feel like everyone secretly hates me?",Suicidal +18637,"Therapy is not working, nothing's working. I spend my days going to work, cracking jokes and putting on a show and when I come home at night I have nothing left. I end up just staring at my phone or distracting myself for hours until I fall asleep. I just want to crawl into a dark cave and cease to exist. I am too much of a coward to hang myself because I do not want the pain or the inconvenience to anyone else. Maybe I am thinking about it wrong - the inconvenience to everyone would at least be fleeting. Get all my affairs in order first? Make sure wherever my useless carcass ends up that it is at least easy to get rid of, everyone can just move on and forget about me. I will leave a note saying I do not want to be flown home, that they can just bury me in the ground or burn me - whatever costs the least. My friends and family will not have to worry about me anymore, they will know where I am. I will be dead. I am just so so tired of being apathetic. Hiding through laughter is just so exhausting. I am a shitty friend who can barely even muster up congratulations and happy feelings for the engagement of 2 of my best friends. They must see it and think I am such a selfish cunt. And they are right. I am so caught up in my own swirling misery that I cannot even come up for air to be happy for them. Every person in my life is moving on, growing up and becoming these incredible humans who I could never hope to be like. I have wasted my life. I am 31, alone and aimless. Music, comedy, art, all things that used to give me so much joy now just make me so sad. it is like I have already died. I was not always this way. 9 months ago, the love of my life decided to start an affair with his work colleague. I never saw it coming - no one did. I honestly thought that that was it for us, that we really loved each other and we would have some boring and clich happily ever after.She was a friend - beautiful, accomplished. Everything I am not. It carried on for 3 months whilst I lived in a complete fantasy land of my own making. 5 years of happiness, of future plans and excitement, extinguished in an instant. He moved out 6 months ago. I still see him from time to time. Him and her are not together. I still love him. He cares about me, but only through guilt.I do not want to hurt him, but I am hurting myself by continuing to be here. The thing is, I forgive him. I forgive him for what he did to me and our lives. he will be better off not having to worry about me anymore. he will be able to get back together with her and no longer feel guilt. I want him to be happy and I want to set him free. I want to set myself free too. Someone Thanos-snap me already",Suicidal +18638,"I am 16 (nearly 17), I have no friends, I am a drop out, my ex girlfriend (we still talk) is causing unnecessary stress and sadness for me but she is the only person I have left to talk to, I have no gcses, nothing to do all day, I am constantly bored and I cannot be bothered to try anymore. I think about suicide a lot, I just did not know how to tell my parents how I am feeling. I just want to end it all.",Suicidal +18639,"Learning about the history, psychology and philosophy. researching the ways that different methods work and planning out dates and making diagrams of different plans. Sketching myself doing it, listening to music and watching movies about it. Its all I have been able to think about for many years. Its what I know and understand and it brings me peace. I am literally obsessed with suicide.",Suicidal +18640,"It literally feels like God is stopping my attempts at doing anything I want to with my life I have been trying to buy a car and the last two times the people changed their minds and sold without telling me. The car I had to save up for for like 3 months had a blown head gasket the owner did not tell me about, bought it sight unseen because I really wanted it. My last girlfriend joked about me wanting to drive cars and said ""just make sure you do not buy one with a blown headgadket haha"" and that is exactly what happened. it is like God or some force is confining me to some narrow field of reality where I have no control and feel as though I am being groomed to be an artist/musician. Every time I try to break away from the patterns and behaviors associated with that it is like the force returns multiplied. My latest forceful effort being performance car driving. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis. I am 32 and live with my parents and I did not used to think it was a big deal and I have never been a freeloader or at odds or consistently mean to my parents, it is been relatively normal since childhood. Yet my last girlfriend and all of the internet friends I had were so nasty and spiteful to me about being my age and living with my parents still whenever they got angry or had a bad day- then they would go back to trying to be sweet or talk regularly. I am a felon because I made a mistake at 19, I have been in and out of mental hospitals for time windows of a couple weeks about 3 times- clinical depression then schizophrenic diagnosis I begged for because of my last girlfriend convincing me I was when it turns out she was cheating on me since day one, I did not go to college, I have never had a job that made more than 14$ an hour and could not hold them well except for a job at a custom ceramic pottery store called color me mine that my last girlfriend convinced me to quit(I literally broke down and cried at work) because she kept saying how I was not making enough money to move in together (a long distance relationship) even though she would never give her word that she would be there once I saved enough, the reddest of flags for that relationship- she is a decent person I will not say anything else about her. I liked making art and playing guitar and some people liked it, never really applied myself. I felt like I was getting too old to pursue that dream. I got out of the mental hospital and just started working hard and went off meds. This is the longest I have ever held a job and I make 11$hr. I figured after all of the car deals went bad that I should just play guitar and see where it takes me and then a guy I consider a friend at the store said ""oh, so you are going to be a rock and roll loser"" when I said I might just give up on wanting to be a driver. Like what am I supposed to do? The way this is typed is terrible because I am on a phone and everything is fresh from today and yesteryear so I am just typing sorry if it is terrible I feel like killing myself and I did not really allow myself to realize it until about 10-20 minutes ago. it is like whatever I do there is some pre-written narrative I cannot control and the people I call friends are so mean to me and it is not an exaggeration at all and then when I do the same to others to try to push back then I am the mean person. I guess I just have been attracting people who want to walk over me, and I have tried to behave differently and most people like me more yet there is still all of this backlash about my finances and home situation. I quit smoking weed several months ago and never really drank. I feel like overdosing on heroin because that is how my best friend died. I want to kill myself right now. Thank you for reading this, I feel like killing myself, I probably will not ever post here again and will probably end up deleting this and this account. I hope you had a good day today or that you at least had fun, the guy this morning said ""sold the car, have a good day"" I have nothing besides my family and low paying job My parents drive me to work every day for about 5 months now and I guess I should be grateful, it is just hard when people a decade+ younger than me are superficially having a more satisfying existence and treating me like dirt because of what I have not been able to overcome yet I do not know what I am supposed to do&#x200B;and its the little synchronicities that kill me, like someone is controlling my computer/phone etc, like the targeted ads and moreso even the refresh list of stuff on reddit i do not even or have never clicked on like strangely pointed and mostly negative- stuff people say that comes to fruition, cars beeping when no one is leaving or going, as if there is some group on person or entity trying to make my life into some passive artist type for whatever reason and i deplore it. there is so much to it and i know id just look insane trying to connect dots in a suicide note I already tried killing myself before and this does not help. After all the work I have done on myself and my life stuff like this is still happening and I want to kill myself i do not know what to do 32",Suicidal +18641,"Because I woke up. I do not have the strength to permanently stop the waking up or the desire to do that to my parents and siblings. My life feels like it just exploded and I am not sure about my marriage and what is scaring me is what I am thinking. How my mind is working lately. I hate the person I have become. And I have been victimizing myself about all this when it was my responsibility to take care of myself and walk away from the fucking company that my husband chose over me. Over and over again. While at work using and abusing me for his company. But, I made the mistake of trusting, you know, my fucking husband.I know this is jumbled. I am all over the place, unstable, and need a babysitter because I am afraid of myself right now.I am lost, defeated, and completely hopeless. I wake up angry every day",Depression +18642,"I am a great listener, and a lot of the time I want to be listened too, but the thing is that I do not want to make people uncomfortable with my feelings.. Like I know I have very good friends that love me, but still. It just makes me feel weird to share my emotions with people because I feel they are going to get bored or so. Does it happen to you too??",Depression +18643,"I am falling into a depression hole again the waves keep getting worse and need some help finding new coping mechanisms, I do not have any that work more than once in awhile for me currently and I do not have the motivation to be on my phone or leave the house it just keeps giving me things to be depressed about. I found out I was inexplicably shadow banned from a help subreddit to put icing on the cake for today. I do not have any friends relationships or close family to help either and my situation is cutting off alot of that ability anyway..My coping mechanisms have been taking some time for my hobbies and me but they have lost all their color and I am finding cleaning becoming more straining and I have been sleeping more and more. I have been very depressed lately and would like some help finding new coping mechanisms",Depression +18644,"everytime anything good happens, something awful always has to follow up. Its tiring. I am tired. I am scared to exist",Suicidal +18645,People can really make your day so shitty and make you feel awful about yourself. I really hate myself and wish Id be dead by now. What an awful day today was,Depression +18646,"I understand the trauma for the people on the train.But nothing disgusts me more than people insulting those who chose this way of ending their lives.They do not care that they killed themselves. They just want them to do it where nobody looks. In solitude and in silence. With shame, almost. Or surely.Nobody cares whether you stay alive or not. Nobody cares if you are going to kill yourself or not. They only care about the impact it will have on other people.If your death will not hurt anyone, if no one will mourn you; if you do it nice and clean, without disturbing anyone... No one cares.Such violent, traumatising ways of taking one's life would not be a thing if one had access to assisted suicide, or any other way to get a painless and quick death - at least, as painless and quick as it can be.Yet society appears not to be ready to give us this possibility. So for now we will just keep on jumping onto tracks, making a mess and traumatising people.Ainsi soit-il. Suicide by train",Suicidal +18647,well to be honest I do not even know why I am here but I just need somewhere I can voice my thoughts as I feel like they are building in my head to the stage that I would rather talk to my self than others. it may sound like I am exaggerating right but I spend soo much time alone that even when I am with others id rather not be. this is my fault either I was such a funny kid (class clown) so popular in school and even after I finished school too. but that all changed when I was shipped over seas by my mum. I cannot lie and say know I do not see that it was for my benefit I could have simply died had I stayed there and for a parent that is enough reason. but to send me somewhere like that and treat me the way they did really stripped me for humanity. I saw things I should not have and that is when the thoughts started. I was locked up for about 7 months over seas as my family thought it would help me but there is where I create a version of life in my head and know I cannot escape it. my life is finally going good I have worked soo hard for that but mentally I am suffering soo much. I cannot tell anyone this in real life because why would humans care. they never cared when I really needed them and know it feels like if they do care is because they want something. and also I promised my self that I will never be vulnerable again in this life which is another reason I can never tell anyone. so I smile at the few people I do see but in saying ALLL OF THIS I do want to make friends and there is apart of me that wants to be accepted in someone is life as I really feel like I have never belonged. I would love some tips or maybe books to read that may help me. I REALLY FEEL LIKE I AM DROWNING Why I made this account,Depression +18648,"I have suffered feelings of loneliness,hopelessness and depression for years now,and I have finally been pushed over the edge the pain inside is too much for me to bear anymore.I want to apologise to all my friends and family online and offline for how shitty I have been to yal.I am ending my suffering soon though I do not care for long goodbyes so I will keep this post short.Thank you for the people here who tried to help me I am grateful for that. I am tired of suffering and being alone I am taking my life soon goodbye.",Suicidal +18649,"(18m) my dad wanted me to go on a trip with him and his x girlfriend which I have an active restraining order against because she threatened to murder me to see my uncle who is in a coma dying of cancer. I said I absolutely care about my uncle, but I just cannot mentally deal with watching him die which I have seen with other family members, and sleep in the same house with someone who I have a restraining order against. He said that I am not a real man for my decision and that I am extremely selfish for letting the family down. He now wants nothing to do with me, and is going to take my car because its still under his name when he gave it to me at 16 which I do not know how to get to work now. This is the only time I have ever stood up for myself on a issue and now he hates me. My dad just disowned me",Depression +18650,I just feel like nothing matters. I do not matter. I do not like myself. I put up with a lot of stuff and hold things in. I know that I need to be better and get the things I deserve but I do not have the energy or courage to do so. I just feel worthless. Nothing matters,Depression +18651,"I have missed almost every homework and quiz for my class so far, not really worried about it as I had not planned on being here for the end of the semester. That is no longer the plan and I am set to fail the course. The department does not allow makeups without documentation which I do not have. How would I go about reasoning with the professor about this. I do not want to make him uncomfortable so obviously I cannot just outright say it but how do I try to explain? I really cannot fail this course How do I explain this to my professor?",Suicidal +18652,Not only do I not fully believe in myself but I am also just on the verge of not caring about anything in life except surviving which is pretty sad. Its like a battle between my passion and my depression which makes me not care about much in life. Its 50/50... I wish I could do it already and sign up for nail school and become the nail tech I have always wanted to be. I know I get discouraged sometimes because of my lack of confidence but also the fact that I got to work a 9-5 every single day.. so it would be extra work on top of my full time job. But its definitely a passion of mines I just.. cannot seem to be inspired enough to start already. I hate being this way. Thanks for listening everyone. I want to be self employed but I do not believe in myself,Depression +18653,"I have been here for almost a year now. My roommates do not want to continue another yearly lease with me since I am not steadily employed. They feel I am not financially secure. Despite being able to pay the rent every month on time for almost a year. No, I cannot live with my parents. My mom is in a shelter saving money. My dad is in a nursing home. I have tried applying at places to get a part time job. No one will hire me it seems since I have a bachelor's degree. I have tried excluding it from my resume. Why did I go to LA in August 2020 in the middle of a Covid pandemic? I wanted to do something with my art. I wanted to work for Disney, Nickelodeon, Bento Box, etc. I have tried applying to all of those places and got rejection letters. To be honest I do not want to go back to NY. What is there there for me? My family aside from my uncle will not help. I thought that things were turning on the up and up and it feels like the bottom fell out. it is hard to find a place when you do not even have enough to pay the rent. I am scared, I am worried, I am depressed, and I do not know what to do. 32 year old guy in LA I do not have a steady job and I have to find another place to live",Depression +18654,"I do feel like ending it all sometimes. I could just disappear from the face of this planet along with the pain. I keep telling myself there is a better tomorrow, but I am honestly scared of the future too.I just want to be ok. I do not ask to be happy...just content",Depression +18655,I just said goodbye to the closest friends that I have ever had and my girl friend all in one night. I am not sure if it is a good thing to be completely alone but it is the right decision. I do not need to be constantly reminded of how little I can hope to accomplish in life everytime I am around them. My depression demands that I abandon everyone and everything in my life and I do not want to fight it anymore. Fighting is something that I can no longer do. it is just so tiring. Lonely,Depression +18656,this sounds terribly absurd. yet i cry everynight because of it. I have never paid much attention to my ethnicity until i started noticing that when people referred to asians they only meant the east asians. i feel disgusting and it leads to the point where i hurt myself because of it. i scream to the point where i cannot talk anymore and i just feel so worthless because of this. i feel as though i am a waste of life. i do not know what to do. i wish i was east asian. not southeast.,Depression +18657,Its time for me to go you all. Thanks for the support over the years. Hope some of you are able to keep living and find relief. I am ready,Suicidal +18658,"I am currently 5 months pregnant with my first. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years but this is just horrendous. I barely know what to say here but this is a last ditch effort for advice and validation. I have ADHD and my executive dysfunction has just been so terrible the past few weeks. It goes to a point where there are days that I put off peeing because I just cannot get myself out of bed. I cannot shower or brush my teeth. My partner is amazing and I love him but I just feel like such a burden to everyone right now. I know I need a therapist but I just cannot get myself to find one who takes my insurance. I cry every day. I feel so heavy and sad but numb at the same time. Help. I am so depressed. I am pregnant and everyone says its just because I am pregnant and its making it worse. Please give kind, gentle advice if possible.",Depression +18659,"I have a family that loves me, a few close friends, and I even have the means to got to an alright college. Despite all that all I can think about is killing myself, and it makes me feel like a spoiled piece of shit. This leads to me hating myself, which makes me want to die, which only repeats the cycle. I wish my life was shit so I would not feel bad about wanting to kill myself",Suicidal +18660,she is absolutely horrible. She seems to blame our fucked up relationship ALLL on me! Like NONE of its apparently her fault. She has this thing where she is ALWAYS a victim. And she literally thinks she is perfect. Like if you ask her what flaws she has its something like I am to nice and let people use me. My dad is abusive and I am very similar to him facial wise and a little bit personality wise too ( I am NOT abusive!) my other siblings take after my mom so she likes them more. I am basically a replacement for my father and all the problems she has with him have been placed on me. She calls me abusive at the drop of a hat and constantly calls me names. Yet somehow I am the fucked up one. Like right now we just got in a fight and she is still arguing with me even though I gave up and I am listening to music now.Our relationship is over even if in the far off future she apologized or something (which would not happen unless hell freezed over ) she is done to much damage. Sometimes just being around her disgusts me. Anyway.. I am so sick of my mom,Depression +18661,"Since I have memories I have always been bullied, but that is not the worst part. My mom it is a narcissistic and manipulative woman who always jokes about my self harm and say things like I could put you in the streets or saying she will be happy without me, my dad it is just so in love with her so he does not give a fuck about what she does. I have tried to kill myself twice but it did not work. My therapist has told me to off myself and saying that I am not depressed, saying I am lazy because I cannot clean my room nor my teeth. Sorry for the bad English, it is not my first language I am a 15 years old female who do not know what to do",Depression +18662,I just with I were never born. I just wish I went to sleep and never woke up again. this wish is too much it seems I want to die without killing myself,Depression +18663,"My father is in his mid-50s. he is been unemployed for two years now due to his depression, agoraphobia, and pride. he is currently running out of money and struggling to live a healthy life. He struggles to manage his hygiene and personal relationship. History on him he was laid off in the 08 bust and then my Mother divorced him two years later after having an affair. I believe those things broke him and he has not been able to recover. Even now I know he is sitting in the old house that I grew up in alone with the lights off to save electricity. I want to help him but I do not have much to give him and live 3.5hrs away and cannot easily check upon him. I am trying to come up with ideas to help him get him on his feet and motivated without just throwing money at him. I need ideas on jobs that can be done that are mostly independent work with not a lot of technology and is not too hard on the body. he is not a very pleasant conversationist so preferably not customer service. I also want to try to get him on an antidepressant but I am not sure if he would agreeIdeas are welcome and let me know if you have similar experience caretaking parents from afar Trying to help my depressed father",Depression +18664,"I transfered to a new school when the pandemic started. It was pretty hard because my mental health was declining and i got diagnosed w depression, bipolar, and bpd.During the last school year, I had a classmate that was clearly suicidal. I always worried about her until one night she said goodbye in our class gc and left. We were frantic trying to check on her but thank god she was alive....that was not the last time it happened.It happened so many times that people in my class started to not like her because not only is she triggering but also do not help out in group works and she excuses it with her breakdowns (it also started to look like she liked the attention she was getting from it)Ngl she triggered a breakdown for me.Its like the boy who cried wolf. Its tiring.Last night she said goodbye again and i felt... disconnected. I want her alive but i do not feel anything towards the situation anymore. I told her friends to contact her parents and when her friends could not contact anyone (we do not have wellness check in my country) i just thought ""nothing i can do anymore.. guess we will wait.""Just now, she joined our class out of nowhere and asked the teacher if she could eat because ""its my last meal jk.. its because ill die"" of course everyone felt uncomfortable and the teacher got uncomfortable as well but thought she may be joking.I am tired honestly. I do not think she is doing it for attention. I do not see it as a light situation.Am I the asshole for feeling disconnected from the situation even though its mentally triggering and draining? Am I a bad person for disconnecting myself from my suicidal classmate?",Depression +18665,"As a lot of you guys know when you are depressed its hard to meet people and make friends because so called normal people either do not get it, cannot get it or simply do not care... Just looking for local people who get it. 35/m/NC looking for people in my area with the same struggles.",Depression +18666,"I get that they can help you through it, but do they tell anyone? Do they make you go to the hospital? What do suicide hotlines do?",Suicidal +18667,"For many days I have been wondering what is the fastest way to die. And then it :Subway trains/trains. Jump in front of a moving train and that is a fast way to die. Painful I am sure. But I do not know how you walk away from being squashed by a train.Disclaimer: I am not encouraging anyone to do this method. I could be wrong with my opinions. I am typing all of this while being incredibly suicidal so sue me. ""Fast Way to die""",Depression +18668,"I am constantly in a state of anxiety. I cannot sleep at night because of physical symptoms, i cannot breathe properly at night and feel really nauseous. I cannot make any friends or get a job or go to college because of social anxiety. I am constantly terrified that I am going to die and i obsess over every tiny symptom due to health anxiety, but whenever i think about suicide i feel calmer. I have adhd so doing simple things like eating, showering, going to the toilet etc. takes so much effort and recently I have been feeling like complete shit and do not have the energy for any of it. I usually self harm to get rid of physical anxiety symptoms but i cannot do that right now because I am scared of getting tetanus so i need a tetanus jab before i can start again. I feel constantly stressed and out of control living with my family, i need to be independent and have my own space but i cannot move out because i cannot get a job due to anxiety. I turn 18 soon and i have not done anything yet. I have never felt happy, never had any real friends or done any of the things i want to do and I am worried ill never be able to. I am also pretty sure I am a trans guy but i feel like i cannot transition because I am only 51. I am terrified of dying before i get to be happy but i also cannot cope atm and i do not know how I am supposed to improve my life. I cannot cope with anxiety and i do not know what to do",Suicidal +18669,"I went over to one of my friend's house for the first time. She has a beautiful house, but it is probably just an average house in the US. She has a lovely mother who was very casual with me and made me feel welcome. She has 3 older brothers who have a job or are in college. Her room is filled with things I wish I had. she is smart, kind, helpful and she is everything I wish I had. She did not even need to ask to make cookies with me and used ingredients freely. Her parents allow her to I am an ass",Depression +18670,"To be a man is to be so strongBut why cannot we see that thet notion is wrong?We feel pain, sorrow, and oh so aloneBut all you can see, is our heart, hard as stone But cradling in his arms, his shattered heartHe presses on in a world, so bleak""A new day, a new smile, a new start""Is what he hears every morning, every week But what they do not see is the pain that he carriesThough his face shines the brightest, with a smile so wideSo painful to bear, is a heart full of worriesAnd his sorrows inside that he struggles to hide. Man up, men do not cry, is this what it means to be a guy?When all we are expected to do, is show you a lie?The tears in our heart, and the tears in our eyeBut help is never there, and we always denyBy: fyzan_fyzz211 Be a man",Depression +18671,"I (19 M)was dumped by my high school sweetheart(19 F) a few months after graduating from high school which had me at my absolute worst due to covid and lack of social interaction I became totally dependent on my partner and became quite unhealthy physically in the process due to my hopeful lack of need to keep up appearances. I was in freshman year of online college at the time and I was completely unable to focus on anything school related because the thought of having to do that for the next four years by myself just made me want to avoid it altogether by just cutting it short. Along with not having any friends or any girls that I would even think of having a relationship with due to me being in a relationship during covid for over a year. It also did not help that I was very overweight and my self image was in the gutter. From that day I decided that I was going to lose my weight and get into the best shape of my life and gain my own confidence, but the loneliness honestly became pretty unbearable at some points and I did not know that it was possible to experience things like that due to what is going on in your head. Thankfully I reconnected with a best friend that introduced me to trade school and being able to make money while actually applying current knowledge which I was a fan of because I did not have any desire to go through college (I should add it was about 90% online) so fast forward about 8 months later and I am working at a dealership and taking concrete steps to work my way up while attending a trade school. Through the process I lost the weight that I had put on throughout high school (separate post on my profile) and I decided that I was going to try my best to avoid just spending my time in my own thoughts (because I am a very excessive overthinker/overanalyzer). That I would instead only focus on the things that I am able to control at that moment to make myself better and improve for the future. Currently on meds and am starting to feel genuine joy in the little things in my life and am gaining appreciation for the things that I have as I work on building for whatever the future may hold. :) I saw a quote the other Day on Instagram that I thought was pretty good. Take care of yourself like someone you are responsible for Good luck everyone, keep working on the things that you can control :) From heartbroken and depressed to at least mostly optimistic",Depression +18672,... well I guess I will just away the pain like usual :) That feeling you get when you see an Instagram story/post of all your friends having fun without you,Depression +18673,I am so fucking alone. All my life. ALL OF IT. I cannot live like this anymore. I told my friend I was reasonably annoyed at her and she hung up the phone and has not spoken to meI have one other friend but she used to treat me so bad that I am literally scared to talk to her because she triggers me. I know this sounds like nothing but there is other reasons I want to die too plus I cannot handle the little things nowadays eitherI just want to fall asleep and never wake up Honest to god I might finally go through with it,Suicidal +18674,"that is the only conclusion I can come to. there is no other reason to be in this much pain this often. someone is happiness has to be paid for with pain. because if that is not the case, then that means its all pointless. And I am just suffering for nothing. Emotions have to be an equilibrium",Depression +18675,I am a combat veteran and a sexual abuse survivor. I am also married with 2 kids. My wife is tired of my shit my alcolism my habitual lying. I have never hurt her physically or cheated on her but I have definitely hurt her emotionally. I am so tired of doing that. I really wish I could finally kill myself I have tried without success. I have been separated for about 1 year and I am on 10 different psych meds I do not know how much I can take. I have hurt everyone that has ever lived me,Suicidal +18676,What meth0ds will you use? tell me pls How are you all planning to unalive yourselves,Suicidal +18677,"I deal with severe depression that is proving to be treatment resistant over the past 5/6 years. My rumination and anxiety is totally out of control. I have tried almost all SSRI/SNRIs, on Prozac now for the second time. Antidepressants seemingly do nothing for me. But like I said my rumination and anxiety is totally ruining my life. Benzos are the only thing that help but I cannot be prescribed them for daily use. Thinking about asking my doc about trying a mood stabilizer or a low dose antipsychotic. I need to slow my brain down. Maybe low dose seroquel would be able to accomplish that? But I am just curious as to what meds helped some of you guys get your rumination and anxiety under control? Desperate to find something to slow down my thoughts and ease my anxiety. Thanks for any help. What medication helped your rumination?",Suicidal +18678,"I have a very sick sibling. They threaten to hurt others and themself. The stories at this point are endless. My sibling once hid in a she would holding a metal rod ready to hit my mother. Through a lot of reading over the past several years, I am fairly sure they are a sociopath. Narcissistic traits, but low motivation and drive, impulsive spending, cannot keep a room clean, lives with garbage covering the floor, smokes weed while taking prescribed stimulants, only friends are online, oversleeps for work, resents most people, dramatic mood swings (same sentence mood changes), lots of antisocial behaviors (I.e. sitting at tables with legs up, not brushing teeth etc)I have tried so much. I have tried being helpful in so many ways. Nothing seems to help. I have tried just listening. I have tried being a friend. I have tried looking for resources. Now, my other sibling and I have been avoiding our sibling as we have tried so much. (Going out more, keeping conversations short) We care sooooo deeply about them but cannot find a way to help. Everything we do makes it worse. Our sibling sees our family as abusive and oppressive. (My parents are not and have never been!) They attend therapy but lie about getting better.What do I do? How do I help? What would you do? Need Advice! 22yo Sibling is Sick",Suicidal +18679,"I do not understand why things are like this, I was born the wrong way, I have never had any friends, my family ostracised and kicked me out for who I am. I have lived alone for the last year and now I am being evicted and forced into a random apartment with 3 older boys. I do not understand. When does it get better. Why does everyone I love reject me or leave me. I just want someone to love me or even just a day where something bad does not happen. Please when does it get better I feel like I am the only person in the world and the rest of the world was just made to hurt me",Depression +18680,"there is no words to accurately describe what I am feeling but free falling and doom are words i would use. I often find myself questioning if I am faking my emotions or always assume ill be better in a few days. After about 2 years i feel the exact same way, there is always a voice in my head saying I am a fraud and I am doing it to myself. Despite feeling this way, I am able to shower and appear fine to the outside world. My big question is, am i really depressed if i can still function and take showers etc. (which is a total stereotype). I have heard the words, high functioning depression but not sure what that entails. Am i really depressed.",Depression +18681,"I just want to get drunk af n not wake up, hell cannot be much worse than that I deal with on the daily Nothing matters, everyone hates me, I am nothing",Depression +18682,"Shit happens in cluster you all. This has been a long week already. My dog died, one of my work projects is failing (for many reasons), I bombed an interview for a job I really wanted, I missed a health appointment and am being charged up the butt for it, and now I have had someone bail on a agreement. I feel like a total failure. Is this depression talking or is it a shitty week? How can I move past all this? Bad Week",Depression +18683,"Whether you have or have not is not what is important. what is important is that I feel very strongly that this woman should be on Suicide Watch because the entire world is coming down on her right now and the way that she reacted in the very long video posted online shows me that she is very strongly unwell and right now everyone is calling her a racist and a crazy karen.that is fine. that is great. that is beside my point.Whether she was wrong or not in the video is not my point. I am concerned for her mental health and her well-being and idk where to go to share this concern. Everyone is ""Fuck Abigail Elphrick"" so how can I bring up ""Hey guys, I get that we are all mad and angry with her right now, but can we also stop and think about her longterm existence and realize she may be very, VERY close to a suicidal mentality and even if we all hate her right now, can we please have someone or something in place to try to help her through this extremely distressing time for her?""Again to be clear, I am not here to cast a judgement on whether she was right or wrong. I definitely think she fucked up. But I think people are imperfect and mistakes happen and they fucking suck to make them, especially in this current, volatile culture. I am simply saying that even though I and many others believe she was wrong, I am also aware that she is a Person, and I care for her as a fellow Human and I am afraid for her mental state and that she may attempt suicide.I just want to try to remind people that she is struggling very publicly and her shame, guilt, embarrassment, and many other emotions, topped with all the hate she is receiving right now may be enough to push her over the edge.Please, someone, anyone who can, reach out to her and remind her that she should not give up. :( Have you seen the video of this woman Abigial Elphrick, the woman dubbed ""Victoria's Secret Karen""?",Suicidal +18684,I am sick of their stupidity and the people that take advantage of them. They have ruined my life since I was born. They always made choices against me that is why I ended up marrying an abuser and becoming depressed. All they are good at is catering to assholes that do not even respect them. I wish I was never born to these people. I am sick of my parents and the people that use them.,Depression +18685,"I am tired of being alone, feeling lonely, & feeling like I owe the world an apology for no particular reason other than the fact that that I am not adding up to what anyone wants me to be. I want so bad to meet everyone is expectations, but there is something inside of me that also says fuck your expectations! And I am sorry! Why cannot I just be normal? Why cannot I just be what everyone wants me to be? Why cannot I just be happy? Why cannot I just do what I am supposed to do? Why cannot I just respond to every single message from every single person all day every day? Why cannot I just take a joke? Why cannot I just stay cool and not get upset so easily? Why cannot I just go on a diet and get my body in shape? Its up to me , its not hard to take control! You just have to decide to do it! Its that easy! Why cannot it just be that easy? Why cannot you just do it? Why are you always so sad?Why cannot you suck it up and move on? Why do you drink like that? Why do you feel like that? You should not be like that! Why cannot you just be normal?Why cannot you just be ok? Why?",Depression +18686,"I have been struggling mentally for a while now, It actually got a bit better for some time, but I am now at my lowest. I sleep more than 10 hours each day because living in my dreams is much simpler, once I wake up and remember who I am and the state of my life, I get this dreadful feeling and can burst into tears, which also happens during the day.While I have a lot of responsibilities and stuff that I need to do, I just mindlessly browse the internet for literally the whole day and cannot get myself to do tasks I need to do, which are tasks that do not excite me whatsoever, this had led me to fail again and again in college, for which my parents are paying for and It makes me feel bad for them. But they would not understand If I talk to them honestly due to the culture I live in, they probably do not believe mental issues are real and would look down on me for opening up. They keep comparing me to my peers who are getting married and finding good jobs, which is making the whole situation worse for me. I am envious of those people who are able to keep their life in check when dealing with those things, and I despise myself for how lazy I am, I keep starting each year saying this; this year I am going to put in the work for real, and I get lost somewhere along the way and nearly at the end I think to myself where did it all go wrong? I still had hope because I am young and always thought to myself that yeah life sucks now but it will get better at some point, I guess It partially did some issues like self-image, but I was never consistently happy, I probably need to accept that this is something that is going to stay with me as long as I live.No one knows about my struggles, I put on ""everything is normal"" mask socially. With family, I am quite loved, I joke around a lot and bring good energy I think. And so I would never kill myself because I know how many this would hurt. I do not want to die either, but sometimes I wish I was never born and do have moments of suicidal ideation which is draining.Having no one to talk to about this for years now has begun to become physically painful, so this is my attempt to potentially relieve a bit of the pain. I know I should probably seek professional help, but honestly, I probably will not. Nobody to talk to and it hurts.",Depression +18687,"Literally none. I have tried to be positive but it is time to admit my life has been shit. I got bullied all throughout school which left me with severe problems, mainly depression and anxiety. I never managed to develop social skills and no matter how hard I try I can never make friends or get an SO or anything. it is been 5 years of pain and isolation, and I have heard countless stories of the harm loneliness causes and it is like why bother I am never making friends so why keep deteriorating? I have no passions in life anyway, no plans for the future. I have no one to comfort me or even care about my well being, my parents do not care. Suicide prevention sites always mention talking about your feelings and I cannot do that because no one cares. All I have going for me is a shitty job. There really is no reason to stick around. I tried to be hopeful but I legitimately cannot imagine a future where I am happy. it is been 8 years. I am just sad every single day. All I think about is ending it. I just want to give up. there is no reason to keep going.",Depression +18688,"This is kind of an update to my previous post. one of my old friends (? i do not know what we are anymore) says she will rethink ending things but no promises and that it might take a few weeks. I say its fine since i do not want to ruin shit even further. but i cannot handle it, being alone for that long seems impossible. even two days at this point is a living hell. I have no one to talk to except a fucking subreddit, its kind of funny tbh but pretty depressing. I do not know if I have the strength to wait",Suicidal +18689,After taking along break from social media and I rejoined. I followed someone I used to have a close relationship with and helped me through my hardest time. She did not follow me back and it triggered my depression soo bad. Triggered,Depression +18690,"I (28M) asked my father if I could move out and rent a place because my room is really small (7ft x 7ft) and Ill be working 2 jobs from home in about 10 days, so I want to be in a comfortable environment to work in, and he was really against it. For context hell be retiring soon and my older brother (31M) still lives in the house and does not contribute financially because he keeps investing his profits from his business into stock to sell, I do not contribute financially but I ask my mother if I should and she always says do not worry about it, buy your own house and we will survive. My father thinks I am being selfish when in reality I would contribute to the house no matter where I was, even if I had my own house or if I was renting somewhere else. Hes never asked me straight up to contribute to the household expenses and my mother wants me to save up for a deposit for a mortgage. I am just so depressed and confused right now, and I think he hates me. I feel like a bad son",Depression +18691,"4 years ago I dropped 70 pounds by starving myself in relation to a depression and medication induced lack of appetite. When I saw the weight start to come off, I just kept it going. Very unhealthy way to do it, but I felt satisfied with myself for the first time ever. But over the last 3 years the weight has gradually started to come back with various influencing factors. Every time I have started the process to attempt to get healthy in a safe way, inevitably a new depressive episode hits and my ability to do simple tasks tanks and I am left in survival mode and not caring about what or how much I put into my body. I fear going home. I fear going back to school this semester for the simple reason that my primary instructor felt the need to point out my weight a few weeks ago. Now, I have not gained all of it back, but definitely a significant portion. And yet, why is that her business? Why should she point it out as if it had any bearing on my scholastic ability?Anyways, I guess I just wanted to get this out. I am finally in a decent place mentally after tanking in January. I have caught up on very old dishes, did my laundry, and generally cleaned, and decluttered my apartment. I have been grocery shopping and meal prepping for the past week and making commitments to physical activity by investing in equipment for my home and taking Karate lessons.I feel like I can do it, but I am impatient and the anxiety of the realistic timeline for results against the timeline for the return to university has me second guessing every moment. But every moment I keep choosing to take care of myself even if it does not show to anyone else. yet. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I hope you are taking care of yourselves and screw those around you who are unsupportive of your health and well-being. Which is worse: physical weight or weight of spirt?",Depression +18692,"I have never gone in to be diagnosed, so I do not want to jump the gun on labels or anything, but I have had quite the wild ride with depression throughout a good chunk of my life and I am at the point where I feel like I am truly standing on the edge. Not the edge of suicide... rather, the edge of being able to put things off or make excuses.To give more context and a bit of a timeline, even as a young kid I would have weird moments of clarity where I would just feel at a complete disconnect with peers, as if I just did not have a place with them or if I was a useless part of the equation. When I was twelve was when I started having on-and-off feelings of inadequacy, and by thirteen I would have thoughts of suicide. I say thoughts in general because it was fantasizing scenarios more than anything. I did not take the thoughts seriously until around 15-16. Once I was sixteen I would essentially start planning on actually killing myself; however, over the next few years, I would constantly move the goalpost due to either feeling a string of hope, or rather the goalpost may have just been there to give me an excuse to put things off and be lazy.. It was around 16+ when feelings of disconnect and uselessness really settled in. Over the years, it is obviously just been made worse, and I have dug myself a deeper hole. Really, I just cannot do anything and my brain as well as my body feel like mush most of the time. I hesitate to contact friends because I should not be the one bothering them. I hate myself for being a burden on my family, and for getting involved with others because I just cannot add anything good to their lives, and I do not get anything but shame in return either. I am 21 now and have never gotten 'help' for any of this. Before it was ""easier"" to deal with. If I was still in college taking my course, or at least working my part time job at the time, then it would not matter. I would not feel AS guilty because at least I was on what some may figure is a 'right track'. Now all I can feel is shame and guilt over just existing here, and even the things I have managed to do to help myself over the last couple years have not exactly made me feel any better, or improved the lives of those involved with me.that is not all; because I am so stationary and lonesome all the time, I can get really desperate when opportunities arise. Things come and go so easily, but I tend to get attached just as easy. If people come into my life and make me feel good for a bit before leaving, that just leaves me worse off than before and I feel like I am struggling to even hit mediocrity. I do not blame people/things for not working out with me because I know all I can really offer is a net-negative experience, but I cannot help myself from being blinded with a brief sense of hope every time.As the title suggests, I do not know where to go from here. The last point I have made happened again recently, and now I am in a spot where it is just been hard to get things done because I am in a state of not only 'what is the point?', but also 'I just do not care anymore'. I do not even have any more 'goalposts' to give me any excuses to just live comfortably for a bit. The last one was going to be a couple days after Christmas of 2020, but again, nothing happened.I am now at a point where I am willing to try meds. Just between the usual, constant feelings of guilt and worthlessness and feeling incapable of things + some new events that have unfolded recently; I do not think it is worth it not to try if I can make myself better. I was recently prescribed other meds already, and I actually found out that my Province covers this stuff until I reach 24 years old, which is good news. To be quite honest, I am just scared because I do not want anyone I am close to, to know about this. I know that the obvious response will just be to worry about me, and I really do not want that. Not really sure how to proceed from here",Depression +18693,I despise god for the unfairness if he does exist. why do some get everything while some us get nothing out life? we are only meant to suffer and told to accept it like a good obedient pet. we are in control of our own lives in a way but not entirely. we are not even side characters let alone main characters in our own stories. we are the extras standing in the background. and Heaven will not be any different. the already successful will be given MORE than they already had (eternal life and yadda) because they said forgive me god once in their life This world is so unfair,Suicidal +18694,"My whole life I have always been vocal, I do not put up with things. I do me. But fast forward and I am currently 27, Ill be 28 in a couple weeks. If I stay in the military another day past my separation date I swear Ill probably blow my head off, even though I have felt like doing it for years. Before you ask, yes, I have talked to someone what a waste of time. I am planning to separate early next year. I am tired of doing. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of giving. I give, give, and give. I have no more to give. I am tired of helping everyone, I am tired of talking, I am tired of taking care of things. I am tired of not being heard. I am tired of talking to only be seen as every word that comes out of my mouth as insignificant or because others prioritize their wants and cannot handle the mere idea of listening, respecting, or considering my desires and instead treat every word out of my mouth as argumentative. My kid is now one, even when I talk about things about him that Id like, I am told to just put my wants aside and let __ do this, and told to even apologize for things I say with a calm demeanor that I feel adamant about. No one cares about anything that I think, how I feel, what my responsibilities are, or what I contribute when all I do is support my wife, my son, my family, those close to me, and those at work. I am tired of being treated like I am less than, I am tired of working for others in this fucked up 9-5 system that we all live by, I am tired of being asked to do things in my personal life when I do not want to do to them. I am tired. I just want to be put to rest like all those 100+ terrorists I helped bury, I am just so damn tired. Women want men to cater to them. I want to be catered to. Treat a woman how you treat your mom? Why cannot they treat us the same? I want to receive affection, I want to know that I matter and that all I do/have done matters. I am exhausted of being exhausted. I am tired. Iam tired. I AM tired. Tired is who I am. I am done and I do not care anymore. I am okay now to be silent, I do not care about what I want anymore. I am done. I am Tired",Depression +18695,"I secretly hope, that this is all just a bad dream and when I die here, I will just wake up to a life. Hopefully there will be someone who loves me and I will be happy enough, to want to find out what life has to offer. I have not been able to live for so long, I have only been surviving and I honestly do not even know why",Depression +18696,"Are you all aware of severe depression caused due to menstrual cycle each month? It can lead to suicidal behavior in some of us. Any thoughts? Women who have subed this group, a question.",Depression +18697,"Every day feels the same. Waking up, doing not much - going to bed and repeating. Nothing is really causing that spark anymore and for the past few months its been quite hard to focus on anything or feel any real drive to pursue anything. I guess I am just tired of being tired - but also tired of feeling directionless in my existence while having little energy to change anything. Repetitions",Depression +18698,Looking for suggestions on a book to help me be supportive to my partner who has depression. TIA for any and all suggestions. Looking for a book,Depression +18699,"Mostly things seem to be circumstantial but it weighs much heavier when you have a constant sadness looming over you, the stones life throws ar you get much larger. Being numb feels alright, I guess its better than pain sometimes.Grief hurts, loss hurts, bad choices hurt. Being a lump of coal hurts. Depression causes me to deal with things so poorly. My head is swirling and I feel so low.I want to be excited for things I am doing, but I feel like I am leaving things behind and I feel like I have lost a large chunk of myself, one I am still desperately holding onto because I do not want it to be gone but I do not have a choice.Life feels cruel, I blame myself for a lot of pain I feel. I do. But I also just wish I could let go of it, but I know it is a pain that will not ever get easier, just less prominent maybe. I am just really not doing that great",Depression +18700,"I would been feeling really good lately! Meds are effective, doing interpersonal group therapy and a CBT course, so everything is well managed. But I woke up yesterday morning and could not get out of bed. I spent 90% of yesterday sleeping/cuddling my dog. I am still feeling like crap today, like I could burst into tears at any moment. I am trying not to spiral at work, but I cannot make it stop. I am feeling like a lonely, worthless, pathetic loser, and I am wondering what the point is of living this kind of life. The constant fighting is exhausting.And I cannot figured out what triggered me. It just hit me like a slap in the face.Been dealing with this shit for 27 years (give or take), and it never gets easier.I am not really sure why I am posting this. I think I just want to feel a little less lonely.... It Just Showed Up Out of Nowhere",Depression +18701,I do not want to die but the voices in my head are making me do it Iv been trying to live but no matter what I do nothing ever seems to work. My family will not help me the system will not help me and my friends just use me to dump shit on me. I am literally sitting here ready to act upon my plan and I am absolutely petrified on what is on the other side. I just do not know what to do please help me somebody anybody please give me a reason to stay. I am scared,Suicidal +18702,"i should preface this by stating that I am going into my senior year of high school for context.after an incredibly long job hunt (7 months), I have finally gotten a job. which, do not get me wrong, is great. unemployed, i felt so burdensome and unproductive. most of all, i felt guilty. I have placed all my worth these past months on getting a job and my license, and now i have them. but instead of feeling accomplished or happy, i just feel empty. what now? I have reached my goal. there is nothing more for me. I have tried congratulating myself for reaching these milestones, even looking at myself in the mirror as i say it out loud. but it means nothing if i do not really mean it. for me, the reward of finally achieving something this important is to find something equally as important to replace it with. basically, there is no reward.all i can ever think about is how much i cannot wait to die. i feel real, genuine excitement for it. there is some fear surrounding dying, since its the fear of the unknown. but my yearning for it greatly out weighs any anxiety. its not necessarily that i want to die as a direct result of my depression. my medication has actually greatly improved my mood over the past year and a half. but it just feels like playing a game in which you get virtually no reward for completing long and arduous tasks. i do not want to play that game anymore.I am always so, so tired. I just want to sleep and not have to think about anything. please do not be concerned. I am not going to kill myself anytime soon. i will know the time that i am truly considering killing myself since I have experienced it before, and this is not the time. i promise if i do, i will seek help early before i try anything. i just wanted to vent. I have achieved my goal and now i have no ambitions.",Depression +18703,I have tried and tried and tried and tried and been nothing but a failure. I have tried everything you name it. I am 28 facing a conviction I will never work again this world is not for me do not comment say please stay or I will delete it Got my rope ready and just waiting for these drinks to kick in,Suicidal +18704,"I want to better my life, experience new things, get into a relationship, get a new job, travel the world. Despite struggling with depression for over a decade I still have all these hopes and dreams.But, it just feels overwhelming. I do not know where to start, how am I possibly going to do it without severely fucking it up? It just feels like too much energy to do that I really do not have. I have a job I go to, I come home, I relax. Rinse and repeat. Does anyone relate to this feeling, of I do not know, hopelessness? Any advice on how to fix it? Sometimes it feels overwhelming to try and better my life",Depression +18705,"I am so done. I am just done. i cannot even put my thoughts into words i just cannot do it anymore. I am throwing away some of my things tonight and then I am done. tomorrow, maybe",Suicidal +18706,"Mane tbh I cannot keep livin being the horny nikka everywhere I go. I sometimes leave the gym early if there is too many hot girls cuz I cannot just not look at them, cuz In my time when I avoided looking at women and tried to avoid lustful sinful thoughts it just backfired on me. I thought my sex drive would chill out now that I am 2 years removed from being a teen but its not. Sometimes I cannot even do schoolwork cuz of this shit lol, and I am losing in other areas in life too. Idk maybe this how I was supposed to go out??? Confessions of a sex addict",Suicidal +18707,I am so angry I was bullied over nothing because my breast where apparently to big and I am c14 how is that huge I am underweight still weigh less than all them I am hourglass shape there bigger than me and make fun of me why the funny thing is they act like there better than everyone yet I am a cuter guy Bullied over nothing,Depression +18708,"Hi guys, I am looking for podcasts to listen to that tall about depression, anxiety, mood disorders, grieving, trauma healing etc. I do not want a comedic approach, not after interview's, success stories etc. Ideally one host just talking you through why people feel this way, tips on managing your mental health, etc.I am going through a very very dark time, and while I would like to eventually listen to more light hearted podcasts I find people making jokes and laughing etc a bit off putting at the moment. Hopefully I am making sense. Thanks. Podcast recommendation",Depression +18709,"My mom is judgmental, cruel, and mentally abusive. Every conversation is like walking on eggshells, it always ends in some sort of dispute. My dads never home, works 18hrs a day 6 days a week. I am loosing all my friends, I do not talk to them anymore. Interaction is just too tiring. I hate school. Breaks too short. I hate it so much, it just increases the stress in me and my mothers relationship. And were going back soon. I do not know how to do it, I do not have any rope or a weapon, and I am afraid of pain. I want to though. I cannot anymore",Suicidal +18710,"Literally none. I have tried to be positive but it is time to admit my life has been shit. I got bullied all throughout school which left me with severe problems, mainly depression and anxiety. I never managed to develop social skills and no matter how hard I try I can never make friends or get an SO or anything. it is been 5 years of pain and isolation, and I have heard countless stories of the harm loneliness causes and it is like why bother I am never making friends so why keep deteriorating? I have no passions in life anyway, no plans for the future. I have no one to comfort me or even care about my well being, my parents do not care. Suicide prevention sites always mention talking about your feelings and I cannot do that because no one cares. All I have going for me is a shitty job. There really is no reason to stick around. I tried to be hopeful but I legitimately cannot imagine a future where I am happy. it is been 8 years. I am just sad every single day. All I think about is ending it. It might be time. there is no reason for me to keep going.",Suicidal +18711,"Basically what is on the title.it is kind of clear we are headed towards who knows what level of crises ahead, and as usual, the Third World will probably be hit the most.Collapse, radical government change, austere governments limiting if not outright outlawing anything that made life remotely enjoyable for the sake of dealing with these crises or attempting to deal with the damage. Etc.Why even stay at this point? Political uncertainty, not wanting to stay around to see it all.",Suicidal +18712,"I do not know who to talk toI feel like such a failure in life despite some forward movement. I am an adult with a great job. Going to keep my personal life to myself but how do I break free of drinking every day and sulking in my own shitty pity? I will elaborate if asked. I used to have a great life, then I screwed up. I genuinely want to live a good, honest life but I am always scared of failing ( at work, in relationships, finances ). I am just tired. I do not want enemies, I want to help others but I am frozen with my own doubt. Slowly giving up, scared, anxious, paranoid",Depression +18713,"I am really fucking proud of everyone here, we are warriors.Maybe it does not always feel like it but that does not make it less true. Life is not a movie and you are not the protagonist. that is why sometimes you feel invisible. Everyone is living their own life.Everyone is struggling or has struggled with the darkness to different degrees.The fact that we have all said ""No, I am going to fight"" is amazing. Maybe you are a kid or a teenager or adult or middle aged or a senior you are obviously here because at some point you said ""I am going to fight"" or ""I will help people fight"".that is awesome even if sometimes you cannot see that.I know I did not feel strong crying in my bed holding my shotgun begging myself to stop. I know I did not feel like a warrior downing a 5th of vodka and writing a note to everyone saying goodbye. I know I did not feel strong telling myself ""this is for the best"".I did not feel good holding that gun full ready to eat a slug I did not feel like a warrior, I was wrong.Because I put that gun away.I unloaded it and said ""not now"".I told myself I am not done today.I stopped for a second and said ""no, not yet"". I decided to keep moving forward for a second, because I am a warrior and I kept in the fight.Looking back that is amazing, I cannot believe I did that. I cannot believe I had the strength to stop my own brain from taking control of me. I fought everything I believed in one second and said ""No, Not now."" And I am proud of myself.You should be too. It takes a lot to tell your mind to stop and to keep fighting.You are a warrior.Even when you are crying in your bed wishing death upon yourself, you are still fighting. You fighting sometimes it is every second of the day and we see that.it is hard but just know we want you to keep fighting, fight for your life. Fight for everyone you know and fight for everyone that will know you in the future.do not. Stop. Fighting. you are. A. Warrior.I hope I see you all around here again helping other people who might not know how tough they are or the battle they have already faced. I have nothing but respect for you all, you are fucking warriors and you are still fighting.Hell yeah, bros and sisters. I am not here to discourage anyone but I have something to say",Suicidal +18714,I found my option- co codemal probably spelt it wrong grammar probably wrong I am retarded but 24 500/30 paracetamol to codeine ratio idk if that would finish me but I think 20 grams of paracetamol is probably more than enough I heard paracetamol overdose is a shit way to go but I honestly think I deserve it. I have caused so much trouble and I live with every bad thing i have done every day and it hurts I guess I am going to my old opioid addiction route too I knew I would end up here again fuck the World just finish me god I am 99% certain and that 1 little percent is nothing to me Struggling again I cannot keep my emotions in and I cannot breathe,Suicidal +18715,"I have recently been dealing with severe depression. I often find myself struggling to get things done around the apartment, and that includes work. I have these terrible head fog that just will not let me focus like I used to, and I push myself to pick up basic tasks.Past week has been especially difficult as I no longer have my gf working from home with me anymore. She has started going back into the office. I appreciate that she is there for me, but at the same time I am happy that she gets a break from me now as well. I know its not easy watching someone in this state.I find myself right now reflecting on the person that I used to be just a year ago. I had ambition and generally enjoyed life. I struggle now to feel happiness, even with weekly therapy, hobbies (new and old), etc. I have serotonin syndrome and do not react well to medication. I am constantly tired, physically and emotionally. Taking all of this day by day, but time does not seem to be making things any easier. I do not know what else I can try at this point to be more like the person I used to be, and less of a burden to my friends and family. Reflecting on my current depression",Depression +18716,"I do not get why suicide is so frowned upon. If you knew me, you would want me to do it. The suicide hotline did not pick up",Suicidal +18717,My depression started at the beginning of May and it feels like a week ago. Its already the middle of July and I am just amazed at how time goes fast when you are at your darkest and lowest fucken point. I have been getting better and healing over this month though but that was just an observation I made. Time goes fast when you are depressed,Depression +18718,"You know what I really hate ? it is when you lower your expectations so much , yet you are always hit with a new level of surprise. You start making excuses for your dearest: "" It just happens that my lows catch them on their busy time"" , and I understand really well that I am not entitled to anyone's support (not financially or anything , just a simple cheering up), but this simply cannot keep happening , especially since , in my case , even when I try to distance myself because of the feeling of betrayal , they always comeback when they are in their lows , and I simply never turn an eye on that because up until recently I thought that is the norm , yet time goes by and the same circle repeats itself. We all have problems because sure life is a bitch , but it is just so much harder that the moment you are ready to fight them , just the knowledge that the people you thought would be there are not , you lose your footing to a scary degree. I have always overcame my depressive episodes , but doing it for ""myself"" is not going to work forever. I have caught on hobbies , stayed away from any kind of addiction , focused on my carreer , but none of them seem to work long term , simply because this is a personal battle , never have I had one single suicidal thought that I could brush off with : oh but you will never be a world class guitarist or artist if you do so. Those make a great way to pass time , and change the perspective too , but they do not stop it from happening. At least not for me. I really want to learn to love life , I appreciate so many things , the strays that come for petting , and as much as I know the next lound sound going to scare them , at this point I could almost count on them more than I count on people. I am just tired of all of this. I am sorry for the long post this is was just something I needed to get out of my chest. there is something sinister in being used to feeling abandoned",Depression +18719,I find that this is affecting my memory too. I do not realize I am doing it. Whenever I make eye contact it feels like an awk moment Any helpful tips to promote eye contact?,Depression +18720,"I do not want to die, I just want these thoughts to leave my head. Bruh.",Depression +18721,"I have not been able to cry for over a year. No matter what happened. I felt broken, because I needed to cry but could not. I have been living alone for years and then the pando hit and then I sealed myself in. I have lost contact with so many people and I am struggling.I am so lonely. How horrible of a person am I that I do not have anyone to talk to? I am not even worth anyone's time to check on.I am feel like I am a shadow of a person. I feel ""less than"" the people I see around me. How do they do it? How do they participate in life? How come I always fail? I cried today",Depression +18722,"&#x200B;so had my breakdown in march, have anxiety and bouts of depression, but i am also weak- as in i cannot fend for myself - and am hypersensitive . i feel like most healthy people can get through these mean taunts etc , but when you just are not of sound, happy mind- is this depression to a degree? the reason i am asking this question and do not know myself, is because i do not necessarily feel deeply sad every minute- but i am also not happy in the slightest. I want 2 do well for my future just have lacked motivation for last whileperhaps, i have lived like this for so long (good 4/5 years now) that i do not know any better and thought this was the norm?Just started zoloft for the record. so hopefully i will become my stronger real self again soon Do you think I am still depressed if my sister says something mean and insensitive and I just cannot take it and am hypersensitive and immediately plummet into sadness and emptiness?",Depression +18723,"34F, depressed since 8yo. How I can handle it until now?! I am so empty and lonely. Live hurts! Wakeup hurts. I cannot stand anymore. I want to die but I do not want to kill myself.I faked I am ok every day to everyone bc no one has more patience with my situation. I do therapy every week and I do not know how I have a job! Why they do not fire me?! I am useless. In 2019 my Bf moved to another country (we were together just for 6 months until she moves) - I love her but have been depressed and in a long distance relationship for 2 yrs and a half just turns the things worst! I believe that if I break up the relationship I will can have a chance to know someone who lives e want to stay with me truly. What I said that you can asked. My bf told me that she does not want me to move with her without getting a job in the country where she is living now. She has residence, and I do not. I would have to apply for a residence visa and with this depression I can barely stay here, where I am. I understand her concerns about the home situation. But I do not agree.What should I do?! Thanks for this sub - All you have helped me a lot! I do not remember when was the last time I have been ok.",Depression +18724,I know what to do. I go back and forth. I still miss you. I want to talk to you,Suicidal +18725,"18F and I am starting college in about a month or so. I have struggled with depression since middle school as well has being diagnosed with a chronic immune deficiency and B/P ED. I love animals, I actually went vegan to help with the fatigue and pain from my illness and stayed that way after learning of the benefits for animals. I live with my parents because my fianc is half way across the world ( mil and together 5 years ) and our wedding is not for another year. I have been quite lonely without him here because we were together every day. Its made me struggle with both my depression and eating disorder. Especially starting college soon and having only one close friend. My parents have two chihuahuas but I have two younger siblings so you can see where the dogs are not really with me. I have my own larger space in the house. I think having a my own companion could help me through these times. I know you Ill be working and at school but My university is about a 15 minute drive from home. Do you think its a good idea to get a dog? Thinking of getting a dog",Depression +18726,"I (17) have spent the last school year seeing my school counsellor every week. Honestly, she is the best and the greatest support I could have had, and helped me get diagnosed through all the suckiness of my parents not believing in mental illness. She emailed my teachers on my off days, checked in with me before big tests, believed me. And this Friday will be the last time I see her because she is leaving.My question is, how do I cope? Its honestly devastating, as Ill be losing my main support, and I have grown to admire her as a person. Also, what will I do next year if I have a problem or something happens that she would normally help with? I will not be able to have emergency sessions with her anymore.I know this is possibly all sounding a little bit silly, but she has helped me a lot, and honestly? I just feel really, really sad, and I am scared Ill get into a funk after saying goodbye. My school counsellor is leaving. What do I do?",Depression +18727,Sometimes its like everything hits me at once and I realise just how devastated I am with how life turned out. Suddenly it all appears before me. How everything went wrong. How I failed everything. How I kept self-sabotaging. How everything always went wrong. Sometimes it just hits me. Just how much despair I feel.,Depression +18728,I cannot stop thinking about it I want to die so badly I just want an easy painless deathI should just climb up next to a power lineI'll be goneEverything will be better without meI will not have to feel like this anymoreI will not have to exist anymoreWhat's stopping me? I am too FUCKING LAZY to get out of bedI hate myself Power lines,Suicidal +18729,"I have had depression since 7th grade. I am 26 (female) and have all the things I thought I always wanted in life. A house, a loving boyfriend, two dogs, good joband I am not happy. Everyday is the same in depression world. Its been this way for years. I had one year of true happiness in my teens and it ended after the person I believe was my soulmate moved. I have tried talking to them and although they feel the same in terms of it being the happiest year of both of our lives they are content living their own life with their own partner and I am justexistinglike I always have been. The very few friends I have are great but they are busy with their own lives and honestly they do not want to hangout despite me trying to set up times to. Does anyone else live the same depressing day? I have gone out and taken walks with my dogs,visited family members, worked out, gone shopping, tried to take up hobbies but it does not work? Life feels like its spinning faster and faster each day passing by with absolute meaninglessness Groundhog day",Depression +18730,"Hi everyone and thank you for taking the time to read my post.As english is not my native tongue, I will do my best to be as clear and concise as possible.About three months ago, I celebrated my 31st birthday. The day after when I woke up, I felt some sort of fatigue. I thought it was nothing to worry about and I decided to sleep it off. The next day I felt the same but I began to be very anxious about what was going on in my system. I though I had all the diseases in the world and that I was on the verge of dying. Then, as I was trying to fix something on a relative's computer, I could not use the trackpad and I thought that I was going crazy. I then had this very hard to describe panic attack where my heart raced and I began to see weirdly. I felt so disconnected and I my mind was everywhere at once. It took about 30 min to finally calm down. I explained what was going to my relatives and they suggested I see a healthcare professional.I was prescribed a series of blood tests. Everything came back fine but my bad cholesterol was just a smidge high. I was then put on Seroquel, that was the worst thing I have ever done to myself. Every morning, I would wake up feeling like a Zombie and I had this constant vertigo and fatigue. It was horrible. Then I switched to Zoloft (which is what I am taking, at 50mg) and all the fatigue, vertigo, headaches and muscle pain went away. I am still feeling anxious to this day but it has been manageable so far.Now I am dealing with a very hard to describe problem. I feel like since this event, I am not back to my ""normal"" and I am afraid I do not even remember what was ""normal"" like for me. I feel like I am about to lose control and just go crazy. Like I am controlling it, but I always feel on the edge of being able to not continue to control it. it is very hard to describe I am sorry. Also, I feel like I am not myself, like if I am not connected to this world and that even though I know I can see with my eyes, I feel like I am somewhere else and like if being in my body is a lie.I have done some reasearch on this, at it looks to be called depersonalisation/derealisation. This reddit post explains quite well how I am feeling : [ keep on having these existential questions. Like what happens after death? Why me, In my body, why born in 1990, why in America, why in this universe? What was before this universe? Why living if dying is only option? Are we living a universe with multi-verses and with higher dimensions? Are we just a few milimeters big and there is something out there so much bigger than the universe and we are just like an ant on a log? What if tomorrow, there is this big black hole somewhere in a distant galaxy that swallows everything and that disturbs our galaxy in a way that our existence is in jeopardy. Why am I having these deep, thought provoking, philosophical questions?I feel like I am living on borrowed time. In a way, we are all, but it feels like ""there will be this day when I learn I will be dying soon"" and that I am not eager to be there in that time period. I also feel like time flies and that everyday is a step closer to death, no matter how far away it is.Am I the only one feeling like this ? Is there a condition for what I am feeling ? My doctor will not get me evaluated by an external psychiatrist since he thinks he is able to diagnose me with his knowledge.Daily living is a challenge. Need - help !Thank you :) I feel like I am disconnected from reality or my body. Like if I live life in 3rd person.",Depression +18731,"I am a 17, nearly 18 year old trans girl. I have not come out to anybody I know irl or started transitioning or anything. I love my girlfriend so much and we have been dating for almost 3 years. in april of 2020 i realized that I am trans and that there is no way i can keep living as a boy. every cell in my body wishes I would have told her I was questioning my gender when I first started to like 2 years ago. once i was sure i was trans, i thought id tell her I was questioning and come out to her as non binary to test the waters because I was too scared to officially come out. she started crying and said she was scared of a lot of stuff that I do not exactly remember. I feel so so so stuck. to make it worse, my sister is also trans, and has come out publicly. she moved out before coming out and my parents constantly deadname and misgender her, including to her face. my parents are paying for me to go to college but I do not know if they would keep paying for that if I came out. i want my girlfriend and I to live the rest of our lives with each other but she has BPD and I am her FP. if coming out to her does not go well, she will probably kill herself, which would make me kill myself, which might make my sister kill herself. i have no idea how much longer i can live as a boy but i do not know when I would come out much less if I ever can. it feels liket here is no way for things to go well and for me to live. please, i just want to be heard. it feels like there is no way my life can go on. i do not want to kill the love of my life",Suicidal +18732,I have come at peace with the day I set. Sent my letters saying goodbye and it is been something that is been on the back my head for a long time. And I will be okay. The pain will go away. Day Set,Suicidal +18733,"Hi I am 32 M, dropped out soon after starting my undergrad. Now I have a job and all but I am lacking happiness... I enjoy the challenge and and everything but as my work ends everyday I realize I have nothing... I am living with my parents but we hardly talk and Everytime I do initiate, I am responded with tales of how I messed up my life did not pursue a degree cannot get a high paid job and all... 4 years back I started dating a friend and I guess today we broke up... The reason, she thinks I am sexually attracted to every girl on my friendlist on Facebook. Now everyone is different and everyone have their own personalities and comforts... Some of my friends do not hesitate to publish pictures that make them look and feel sensual... My take on that is everyone has their freedom to do anything and everything as long as it does not because harm to the community and or to another living being I am not bothered with it. But my gf thinks there is more going on... To help ease her with her feelings till date she asked and I have blocked 8 friends on spot for no apparent reason just to ease her... I have isolated myself with long-term friends because she suspected me to have an affair with their younger sisters... I have always had an helpful nature but over the last 4 years I have not helped a single female which led to my coworkers questioning my sexuality... Even at office she asked me pics of my sitting arrangement and upon seeing it asked me to move my desk as their wad a girl next to mine... It would have been awkward for me to change my desk at that point instead I had to change her team and reporting boss so that she sat next to him... But now after doing all that today we broke up because another friend of mine commented on my status on fb who seemed to have an attractive dp which again led her to believe I am involved with her physically... Even after sharing all my passwords and IDs, my banking information and everything she still thinks I am spending money on other women which I clearly do not...So yeah from not a high paid job, no education and now no partner, nothing's doing me any good... Maybe I am crying out for some sympathy here but I am not lying when I say I am lost... I was a cheerful person who was passionate about dancing (though I was never good at it) but now I have got no passion for nothing...Oh I had to lose my passion for dance because my ex and I used to dance together and yes back then I was involved with her physically and would often participate in making love but when she lost her affection towards me (plus started cheating on me) I was understanding enough and have no ill feelings for her... because the heart wants what the heart wants I only wished she had spoken to me before cheating but that was her decision to make... So my current gf ever since then asked me not to watch dance videos/shows anything that adds fuel to my passion... Side note I did not have sex with my current gf but I did tell her that I am very much attracted to her and would like to do it. She asked me to not ask this of her before marriage and I do respect that. In the last 4 years I have probably asked her for it only thrice.... Except for the first time the other two both ended with very bad arguments and name callings from her end... The most we have done is kiss and that is all.... I am sorry if all this seems pathetic but it is how it is and I cannot help it neither can I stand it anymore.... If anyone reads the entire thing, THANKYOU it meant a lot.... Desperate for hope",Depression +18734,"Everything's breaking my heart day by day I just want to die. All the bad things happening around me is because of me, I feel like a disappointment for my family for my friends, MYSELF. The day I kill myself everyone is going to be happy atleast one big disappointment is out of their life. A final goodbye?",Suicidal +18735,"I have never actually been actively suicidal, but the thought has been there ever since my early teens when something pretty traumatic happened to me. It was sort of a back door, you know? But never something I considered going through with in a near future. I did not have a plan or anything really, but the thought of having a way out was comfort enough. Really, the simple thought that ""this will not last forever, it will all end some day"" was usually enough to keep me from feeling panicked and claustrophobic for simply being alive. And growing up I navely thought that life would just automatically get better without me actually putting in the time and effort to make it so. The prospect of becoming an unemployed, depressed and washed up adult did not even occur to me. I was convinced that by this time I would either be dead or having gotten my shit together, have a decent job and maybe even a steady relationship. This in-between sad existence was something I did not expect. 13 year old me would be so disappointed. Now I am at a stage in life where I am still young, but I have managed to ruin basically everything I had going for me in life. If I had put in the effort I could have gone places. But here I am, borderline-alcoholic, depressed, used up and hating myself. Through my careless, self destructive lifestyle I have gotten myself a bad reputation, allowed people to take advantage of me and used and abused other people and more or less hurt myself in every way possible, physically and mentally. I am scarred and damaged inside and out. I am a she will. I have gone out of my way to make sure I get to see the very worst of human kind by spending my time with others who hate themselves and life as much as I do. I have destroyed so much I do not even know if I have more to lose. I feel like a bottomless hole of hatred, rage and contempt for myself and everyone else. I cannot feel happiness, I cannot love. I cannot feel anything but shame, regret and anger. I resent myself for allowing life to get this bad. I am not considering suicide now, but part of me wishes that teenage me would have just ended things before this shitshow began, so I would not have to live down this long walk of shame. I thought there would be some kind of reward or feeling of pride at this point for fighting to stay alive. But all I get is more and more shit thrown at me. It never ends. Life just deteriorates and I feel like a zombie. I wish I had killed myself when I was a teenager",Suicidal +18736,"I was having such a shit day and was mentally exhausted even though I did not really do anything other than think. I found some peaches that were going mouldy so I told myself I would make a pie to use them up. I love cooking but I have never made a pie before, but let me tell you, it was... the most... motherfucking delicious thing I have ever tasted. If my dad was not next to me, I would have cried, honestly. I spent so much of my day criticising myself and feeling so worthless and angry and terrified and bitter and hopeless about my life. But then I made a nice pie. And as weird as it may seem, it made me so happy because I did not feel like a failure for a while. And it was a fucking great pie! And I am proud of myself! I cried because I made a pie",Depression +18737,Everybody hates me. I have lost everyone. I think I need to kill myself. it is something I have been thinking about for a while but I am starting to seriously consider it and I think it is just what is going to happen. I cannot get anything right,Depression +18738,"Growing up I have always been interested in life its self , how rare , and the chances of you reading this because YOU are a human and you just simply can read this. You could have simply been a butterfly and live a couple days or a elephant, but NO somehow you are human , people on this r/ seem to hate them self and even wish death apon them selves, outrages. I used to be super depressed not going into details , but once I discovered what this really all is and what it means I have opened my eyes to life its self and accepted my fate as a human being. Battle is a great representation of life its self , when people , animals go into war they all fight for life no matter the cost of injury or mental damage or damage given to the ememy , this is depression, hurt cussing hurt and only receiving hurt. BUT once the battle is over there is no more hurt and only healing and flourishing for the victors, the ones who survive, YOU the human being on this rock right now as you read this , you have won congratulations!! Battle then peace",Depression +18739,Everyday is the god damn same I just want to end it all. my heart hurts so much and my body aches for the inevitable gratifying release of death to finally obtain that sweet peace there is no point,Suicidal +18740,"I imagine death will probably just be like a dreamless sleep. I am truly looking forward to it. will not feel any pain, feel any anxiety, have any bad thoughts, I just will not be here. Sure, I will not get to experience happiness either. But I will not be here to think about that. Ill just be dead. If I did not think about how badly my family would be affected by it I would have done it by now no question. I do not doubt it will happen soon. I hope they understand. I am truly looking forward to just not being here at all",Suicidal +18741,"Well I royally fucked myself today. I had an interview scheduled for a potential graphic design job, first one in months. It was scheduled for 4pm today, so what does my dumb ass do? I fucking mistake it for 4:30. By the time I realized it was already like 4:18, and I had been getting ready but had to email the interviewer that I was having technical difficulties with the video chat software, which I was, but not to the degree I let on. I apologized and asked to reschedule, have not heard from them. I would not be surprised if they just went throw this dumbasses file in the trash we do not need this shitstain at our company. I just cannot believe I fucking did this AGAIN. A previous interview I fucking slept through, this one I got the god damn timing incorrect like. I am never fucking going to get this shit right. I have never wanted to harm myself so fucking badly in my life. I am not, because the thought of a cold metal blade on my skin makes me squeamish, and I have heard it is much harder to stop if you have started, but god fucking damn do I want to. My life is a waste, I fuck everything up. cannot seem to get it right",Depression +18742,"I stopped drinking for a couple months almost. I got drunk like 3-4 times in the span of 3 months. But the last time I was drinking i blacked out and drove an hour away and crashed my car into a field. (I already have a suspended liscence) I must have ran off the road. I called my old friend and he helped me out told me to hang out with him and his friends. TW TW TW: I woke up to him behind me and then started touching me and apparently we hooked up that night. I do not know if we had sex or not. What if we did and he yanno. I am on birth control, I have an IUD but still. He paid for my tow truck for me. I am humiliated and disgusted with myself. I am insanely lucky no one was hurt. I am insanely lucky the police did not show up. Now I just have to pay for damages. I told my family that I deer came in front of me so I swerve doff the road. Taking it to the car shop soon. I am so full of shame and guilt. And I feel really dirty. It is crippling. I detest myself. Crashed sky car when drunk.. again",Depression +18743,"I spend most of my time with family. I love them, but I do not like hanging out with family members *all* of the time. It gets draining, especially with some of the toxic family dynamics going on. All of my other friends either no longer live in my city or they have their own tight work schedules.I have tried clubbing at least three different times. I did not like it. I cannot force myself to have fun at clubs, so I have acknowledged that I just do not like clubbing and there is nothing wrong with that. I have also tried online dating, but I do not like that either. So I gave up on using OLD apps and sites. they are too frustrating.I go on solo adventures in my city, but it gets lonely at times. I just wish I had someone to hang out with. I do not care about their gender just as long as its *someone* outside of my family. I wish I had someone to hang out with",Depression +18744,"I think it is useless and boring to write something here again but I just want to, and I have nobody else to say it to.I have looked for the actors of a netflix show I am watching. They are happy, they have a active life of accomplishments, and they just lived. It reminded me how much I did nothing, what I am today, reminded me why I am like this, and that I do not see what I can do to fix everything. it is too late, my brain is not operational like before, I would like to think it is not too late but I cannot. Whatever Remembered the sadness and deception",Depression +18745,"Recently I started a good job at on the marketing of a big financial company in my country, I am 25 and I have 2 MBAs, I should feel good at a job like this, right? But I do not. I have started 3 months ago, and after 2 years of being mentally fine, now my anxiety is trough the roof, my depression is apparently back with super strength, and I cried 3 times today, I have been imagining death for some time now. I am not actively considering killing myself because I have lost 2 important people to suicide and I do not want others to suffer for my pain, they do not disserve this. As long as I can, I will hold on.. But I really keep thinking like ""maybe today something will happen and this nonstop pain will end.""Worst of all, even tho I know this job is triggering this, I cannot leave, because I really need this money to pay my studies and to live. My best friend and ex-gf is the only person who I usually talked about this Crysis, but recently she had her own Crysis and I cannot tell her about it because I cannot put her mental health in danger.I just feel like a little part of me dies every fucking minute and I need it to stop. I do not even know exactly why I am feeling this, but I want to stop so bad that sometimes I think about ending it all... I am almost at the limit of sadness I have felt in years",Suicidal +18746,My knife just went as deep into my desk as I wish I would go into my chest or artery My knife,Suicidal +18747,"Been going for about 7 months and he has told me several times now that I am beyond help. I spend every waking second wanting to die. Effectively I have nobody to talk to about it as he seems to not be interested and my parents refuse to talk about it and get mad and dismiss me when I try. I have been constantly depressed for years and my life only gets worse and worse every year so when people say that ""its only temporarily it gets better"" it just pisses me off So Psychologist says he cannot help me",Suicidal +18748,"My life was supposed to change for the better in two month but today I found out, that I will not be able to afford anything where I live because the money I have for a month, is enough to pay rent, school and if I am very lucky, 20 bucks worth of food for each week. I was supposed to get the money, my mum gets as child support because I move out and literally do not need to come home and use anything there. it is over 200 bucks, that would have helped a lot. She told me ""I will give you some when you really need it""I will not be able to afford therapy anymore I do not know what I will do, if something breaks or I need something else besides food I thought this was my step towards independence but now I need to beg for money from my mum, while I have to be scared because I will not be able to save up for emergencies. I am crying so much because I do not know what to do now. I worked my ass off, just to get to this point and now this is what I get. I cannot even go and work to get more money because then the government will not pay me money for school and rent anymore.I worked through my worst depressive episode, massive anxiety and so much stress but now I wish I could press a button to disappear. I have no one else to talk to besides my therapist and no family to help me. I hate my life In two month I probably will not have enough money to live",Suicidal +18749,"It all started 2 months ago I unexpectedly lost my dad to cancer. Now my girlfriend of 6 years is leaving me, we still talk and I am trying like hell not to lose her. she is the only person I got we have lived together 5 years have a great rental. So on top of working full time managing a store, and dealing with losing my dad, I worry about her and paying for the rental by myself or moving which I really do not want to do. These are the darkest days of my life and my will to live is at an all time low. I do not know what to do anymore. 26 and having the worst year of my life",Depression +18750,"Recently I started a good job at on the marketing of a big financial company in my country, I am 25 and I have 2 MBAs, I should feel good at a job like this, right? But I do not. I have started 3 months ago, and after 2 years of being mentally fine, now my anxiety is trough the roof, my depression is apparently back with super strength, and I cried 3 times today, I have been imagining death for some time now. I am not actively considering killing myself because I have lost 2 important people to suicide and I do not want others to suffer for my pain, they do not disserve this. As long as I can, I will hold on.. But I really keep thinking like ""maybe today something will happen and this nonstop pain will end.""Worst of all, even tho I know this job is triggering this, I cannot leave, because I really need this money to pay my studies and to live. My best friend and ex-gf is the only person who I usually talked about this Crysis, but recently she had her own Crysis and I cannot tell her about it because I cannot put her mental health in danger.I just feel like a little part of me dies every fucking minute and I need it to stop. I do not even know exactly why I am feeling this, but I want to stop so bad.. I feel like I am dying a bit everyday",Depression +18751,"I have been this way since I was a kid just absolutely spoiled rotten. I wish I was not like this since I really do not want to work and I just want someone to financially support me for the rest of my life. I do not even know how I can have this outlook when I am also a drug addict, but I am an enabled drug addict that hides my addiction well and gets clean every couple of months. What heroin addict carries around a $3,000 Chanel bag? Me. I hate myself. I wish my brother did not beat me to the suicide punch or my mom beat me to the overdose punch. My dad does not deserve this entitled, drug addict, depressed, spoiled, bratty daughter. Fentanyl sure as fuck is not killing me so I think I am stuck here. I am a spoiled brat",Suicidal +18752,Is there anyone that can talk to me? I do not want to be alone right now Someone to talk to,Suicidal +18753,I took 14 pills. Seven of them were Cetirizine (generic Zyrtec) and the other seven were Aleve. Am I going to die? Am I going to die? what is should I do?,Suicidal +18754,"I am (44f) on effexor and it has worked ok for the 4 years or so I have been on it, but the past few days I have been a mess. I am sad about so much, and crying at the drop of a hat. I am taking my medicine, it is not that time in my cycle and there has not been a triggering event. How long should I wait before I call my doc? My next appointment is not until the end of September. When to call my psychiatrist?",Depression +18755,"Hey , is there any depressed people up to create a group chat to talk about our lives and talk together ? Chat together",Depression +18756,Literally was almost sent to the ER for answering truthfully. I know I need help. Bills are so high. Play the cards right with healthcare,Suicidal +18757,I was kicked out of college and I was not accepted anywhere new. I am not sure what to do. College,Suicidal +18758,A couple of years ago I tried some antidepressants and notice something that I never realized when I was in full depression. Anyways what I notice is how depression dulls your senses food does not taste as good smell is not as strong sound or music can seem annoying or to loud. When I got my serotonin boosted from the SSRI all that was gone and everything was so much more enjoyable. It sucks though I had to get off the antidepressant because I was getting side effects but man it is amazing how much serotonin can make a difference. Something I noticed about depression that does not get talk much about,Depression +18759,"I am really fed up of living, I have tried to be content with my life but it is too difficult like I have tried everything. Maybe I am just meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been mistreated and abused ever since I was 3 and it hurts but I have just gotten used to it.I have had four suicide attempts and they all failed miserably, it is kind of embarrassing.I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I really want to attempt again but I am kind of scared it will go wrong again.before anyone says oh get help or talk to someone, I did and they never took me seriously or even tried to care. I just want to die already",Suicidal +18760,"I am killing myself tonight, no one and nothing will stop me, everything I was afraid of happening happened, I have lost all my friends, I have lost any reason to get out of bed, all I want to do is sleep, being awake is horrible and I hate it, I just want to be dead.I am doing it, just thought someone should know, it is not like I have anyone to tell I cannot do this anymore, I am done",Suicidal +18761,"Hi, this is not a post to inflate my ego or whatever I am genuinely in pain because my brain knows too much so I fear everything because my rationality is absolutely fucked I lay awake at night thinking of all the ways I can die in and I am scared, constantly. I cannot tell anyone about this because then I would either be sent to a mental institution or made fun of at home because I ""think I am so smart"" yet I did not graduate Harvard yet or whatever I do not care I just want it to stop please I am too smart for my own good",Depression +18762,"I have been thinking about it for a while and I am going to take a lot of anti-depressants causing me to have serotonin syndrome and overdose. To be honest, I am really scared but I have to do it. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot keep on pretending like everything is fine and ok. And I am sick and tired of people underestimating my depression, even my therapist. All the people I know, including my therapist, do not believe that I might actually hurt myself. They think that all I do is just whine and complain but will not actually do anything about it. do not get me wrong they do care about me and love, it just they do not think that the depression I have is severe. I need to do this. I do not want to live anymore. Also, I need to show them that when I say that I cannot take it anymore and I am going to kill myself that I am not just overreacting. I am scared and terrified of what is going to happen but I would rather do it than keep on living for one more day. On Sunday, I am going to overdose on Prozac and DULoxetine",Depression +18763,I have no friends I can spend times with anymore. They are in their 20s yet their parents do not let them and I really do not even have the energy to make new friends anymore. I just keep having dark thoughts crossing my mind. Not even just that I wish I had someone I am good with to hold and be by my side. This loneliness makes it hard to even be productive. Yet just about everyone we meet asks what we do. I do nothing but fight all these things trying to kill me. I just needed to vent. I am so exhausted from this loneliness.,Suicidal +18764,"I was starting to have suicidal thoughts 7 month ago. It was like a fantasy at first but I feel like it is becoming reality. I am planning to suicide 1 year later. I do not know if I am going to do it or not but I am scaring. I have always been alone in my life so I know how its felt. But this is going to be so much bigger that I cannot even hold on to this idea. But I literally think logically there is no solution other than this. I am 20 years old, graduated from high school 2 years ago. I am tryna figure out what can I do how can I live but I do not know. I do not have any connection,skill,hope,goal nothing. I am below average. I see my life as unluck. that is it. No one can help me,support me because I am still going to be the same like my last 20 years. God forgive me. that is scary too. what is going to happen after I kill myself. Life is cruel so cruel. I can do nothing but accept this. I believe in fate. Scary suicide",Suicidal +18765,"I tried to do it, but it did not really work. I am trying to get better, but idk how Tried to commit",Depression +18766,"I wish I could cuddle someone, or have a hug that goes on longer than just a secondI feel so worthless and ugly Lonely as always",Depression +18767,"Flatmates are out with friends, I am just stuck feeling miserable in bed, anxiety about going out just feeds into depression about being unwanted Sick of this hell I have made for myself Tired of feeling so lonely",Depression +18768,"Cursed restrictions on r/borrow ... The only community that could help me. 200 fucking dollars, that might be the difference between living and dying. It just does not seem fair, I did everything right, I was just dealt such a shitty hand...I am a currently employed student in Croatia that will become homeless soon. I had used up the savings I had from occasional jobs on the last few months of rent and food while I was completing this semester. I have started a new student job for summer this month at Kaufland supermarket but I will not see the paycheck until second week of next month. I am completely broke until then, I have been eating nothing but oats for the last week and landlord is threatening with the police because I cannot pay him this month's rent. I am desperate, I have nowhere to turn, banks will not give loans to someone who works sporadically as a student. I would be willing to accept a 100% interest rate, with all the personal info provided and a paypal protection, a win-win fucking situation and I am just not allowed to get it... Because I come from a broken family and cannot make friends... If I get kicked out of the apartment, I am hanging myself. I think I will hurt myself if I do not manage to find a small loan today until paycheck, I cannot go on like this, I do not feel human, I am having panic attacks for 2 days now",Suicidal +18769,"I am a leech to this god forsaken world, but any good I could ever do is gone. Everyone thinks I am someone I am not. I would like to say that it is been a good ride, but it has not. what is even the point? If I die tomorrow, what is it to anyone? My parents, maybe? I am alone and I have nobody. I can do it. I have no reason to carry on, because I am not strong enough to get to the other side. If there even is one. I am scared of living, but honestly death sounds peaceful right now. I will never be anything to anyone and I am fucking done trying. I want to die. I am tired of skating around everything. I am going to end myself.",Suicidal +18770,"They talk about their own achievements,They love to judge others, invalidate others bc they are so fcking insecure inside. They value their integrity and worth as higher than the regular person. These people talk dirt about people that do not work and hope they end up poor and in the dirt, bc well they worked for it, despite the societal benefits they took to achieve it. I want to threaten to kill people like this, bc I do not like the attitude and I am jealous of what they have. I sometimes seriously want to do something to people like this, despite the consequences. Is that bad? I know exactly how successful people talk",Depression +18771,"Hi everyone. I am a 23 year old male nurse that has been working for three years now. I was diagnosed with Major Depression while I was in High School along with anxiety, and Tourette Syndrome.I have been battling suicidal thoughts ever since high school and I have been hospitalized at an inpatient psychiatric facility three times. I cannot remember if being inpatient actually helped me though. I have been receiving electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for a little over a year and have had two acute series done. The ECT has ruined my memory and it does not seem to be helping any longer. I had a treatment done on Monday and was already feeling severely depressed and suicidal by Tuesday night. I do not know what to do.I could commit myself again, but my brother's white coat ceremony is coming up and I need my PTO to be able to fly out there to see it. I also do not want my family to worry. I love them and they are the only reason that I have not killed myself yet. I also do not even know if its worth it. I have been inpatient three times already and the suicidal thoughts are still there.I do have a couple of good things going on in my life though. I have a great job and a extremely loving family that is almost always willing to put up with a call from me because I know it helps my depressed mood. I have told everyone that I talk to regularly (my brother, sister, aunt, uncle, Dad, and Mom) that I have been feeling down and that talking to them helps improve my mood. However, I have been struggling with the feeling that I am starting to call them too often. I just do not want to bother them.To make things worse, my therapist is currently on maternity leave. I have a substitute therapist but that just is not the same. On top of my depression, my anxiety is so severe that I am unable to make friends. I have not had a friend since high school and that was only because I was friends with my twin brother's friends. I just get so flustered when I am around people that I can barely talk. I do not know. Everything just feels like too much. I am so tired and frustrated. I am just ready for everything to be over. I feel like I have been depressed most of my adult life.",Depression +18772,"I started a new job that I honestly did not think I had what it took to get and I am actually doing well but at the same time I have never felt more depressed than I do right now. I have a good job, a beautiful and amazing girlfriend who loves me and I am only 21 with everything to live for and hopes and dreams. All of this and I still want to end my life. My depression has always seemingly had a reason or host in my life for why it was happening and just transferred to another reason but now simply living day to day seems to be the reason and I am terrified. I have done therapy in college but sadly can no longer as I am not a student anymore. I cannot currently afford it enough to help myself. What should I do? I have started a new and exciting job in the field I love and have studied for and I still want to die",Depression +18773,"I am really fed up of living, I have tried to be content within in my life but it is too difficult like I have tried everything. Maybe I am just meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I have been mistreated and abused ever since I was 3 and it hurts but I have just gotten used to it.I have had four suicide attempts and they all failed miserably, it is kind of embarrassing. I have been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember. I really want to attempt again but I am kind of scared it will go wrong again.before anyone says oh get help or talk to someone, I did and they never took me seriously or even tried to care. I just want to d!e already",Suicidal +18774,I have lately only been thinking about how to kill myself using a firearm and I have thought of what kind of message to leave to my friends and what to do and exactly the way to just kill myself instantly I literally was talking to a lady i know at the local pawnshop asking to see all kinds of shotguns and all i thought of the whole time was if it would kill me in one shot and i was close to buying one but i did not want her to feel bad for selling a gun to me when i killed myself and on the way home i just feel so fucking shitty and i cannot tell any of my friends there is not a point to it does not matter nothing matters anymore but part of me feels like killing myself would be a mistake i just do not know what to do anymore i looked at my mom and almost cried in front of her i do not want to hurt her or anyone but i do not want to live Spent time looking at guns to kill myself today,Suicidal +18775,I despise humans and by extension I hate myself and want to die I hope I die in my sleep,Suicidal +18776,"My therapist told me to list positive things about myself and to convince myself that it is true. But now I feel like I am kind of bragging about it, and I do not like it, it only makes things worse. I do not like what I am becoming",Depression +18777,"I am going to kill myself today, (refer to my previous posts for reasons). I am thinking of overdosing, but last time I overdosed on my antidepressants (Cymbalta) I survived. The only medication I have is Tylenol. I have 4 Tylenol night times, so hopefully I can just drift off to sleep, plus, a whole bottle of regular extra strength Tylenols. Does anyone have any experiences or know what the process of overdosing on Tylenol is like? I know it can because acute liver failure, but hopefully it will happen in my sleep and I will just die. How painful is death by Tylenol?",Suicidal +18778,"I think i was scarred for life, and i was already depressed before i saw it due to some circumstances. I think i even had a hallucination about it today and i cannot get it off my brain. I think that youtube seriously needs to modify its search engine I saw a very *disgusting* video on YouTube and it is only intensifying my wish to kill myself",Depression +18779,"Hi everyone. I am a 23 year old male nurse that has been working for three years now. I was diagnosed with Major Depression while I was in High School along with anxiety, and Tourette Syndrome. I have been battling suicidal thoughts ever since then and I have been hospitalized at an inpatient psychiatric facility three times. I cannot remember if being inpatient actually helped me though. I have been receiving electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for a little over a year and have had two acute series done. The ECT has ruined my memory and it does not seem to be helping any longer. I had a treatment done on Monday and was already feeling severely depressed and suicidal by Tuesday night. I do not know what to do.I could commit myself again, but my brother's white coat ceremony is coming up and I need my PTO to be able to fly out there to see it. I also do not want my family to worry. I love them and they are the only reason that I have not killed myself yet. I also do not even know if its worth it. I have been inpatient three times already and the suicidal thoughts are still there. I do have a couple of good things going on in my life though. I have a great job and a extremely loving family that is almost always willing to put up with a call from me because I know it helps my depressed mood. I have told everyone that I talk to regularly (my brother, sister, aunt, uncle, Dad, and Mom) that I have been feeling down and that talking to them helps improve my mood. However, I have been struggling with the feeling that I am starting to call them too often. I just do not want to bother them. To make things worse, my therapist is currently on maternity leave. I have a substitute therapist but that just is not the same. On top of my depression, my anxiety is so severe that I am unable to make friends. I have not had a friend since high school and that was only because I was friends with my twin brother's friends. I just get so flustered when I am around people that I can barely talk. I have no work friends, they all just know me as the quiet guy. I do not know. Everything just feels like too much. I am so tired and frustrated. I am just ready for everything to be over. I have feel like I have been suicidal for most of my adult life",Depression +18780,"I am over 18, however I am a dependent for obvious reasons. I just got myself back into therapy for the first time in 6 years (back then I was a minor) and I am unsure about how much I can say without her telling my parents. I want to be honest with my therapist because what is the point if I hide things, but my parents do not take finding out their child self harms very well, like most parents I would assume, but I just cannot mentally deal with being yelled at or see them cry if they found out, so I really do not want them to know. Is my therapist obligated to tell them I self harm because I am a dependent (even though I am 20 years old)? Any advice would be appreciated. Can my therapist tell my parents about my self harming tendencies? (Tagged nsfw for potential triggers)",Depression +18781,I want to vanish into thin air. I wish I had no body or entity. I wish I did not exist,Suicidal +18782,"lately I just hate everyone and I do not care about anyone shits anymore. I guess I am this point that I realized it is not worth caring anymore you know. all the ppl around me suck af so why do I even would care about anything? should have realized this sooner and not daydreaming bout moving ,meeting new ppl , they ll treat me better if I will be around them. I still did not moved but heh it is all bullshit anyway. how about you. hate everyone at this point but care more about myself.",Depression +18783,"All my friends suddenly ""disappeard"". I was playing with them every day (close friends). That making me happy to be with them now looks like the forget me... every day i stay on my pc alone with no one to talk. I search a job for a moment but no where want to take me. I am so lonely and i feel like a failure... I am so lonely...",Depression +18784,"I was raised by my grand parents because my parents broke up and left me when i was very little. When i was a child the only people i could talk to was my grand parents because i had no one other than them. I am the only child and i had no family other than my grand parents. I also never had a friend because i rarely see people other than my grand parents. I do not know how to talk to young people like me and make friends, because all my life I have been around really old people. I like my grand parents but I am really tired of being around old people, they suck all my energy and make me feel like I am old too. I do not really have anything to talk with them now so they just watch tv all day and we do not talk much. So the problem is, I am in my room all day, with nothing to do, no one to talk and nowhere to go. When i go outside, i see people around their friends and family and knowing that I am all alone makes me feel worthless. So i feel bad and head home again. But there is nothing to do at home so i start thinking, questioning my life and existence. And that makes me feel worse because i got nothing and no one to live for. I do not know what to do with my life and i do not really enjoy living. Life seems really bleak right now and I am hopeless.This is my second language so I am sorry if i made any mistake while writing this. .",Depression +18785,"I have a really low mood 2-3 days a week, suicidal thoughts, real struggle to get through the day, I have social anxiety, which I am fairly sure causes this. I am wondering if this is classed as a type of depression or am I just unhappy with my life? I do not mean to offend anyone who is suffering 24/7 I know I am lucky to have those few days where I am kind of ok Is this depression?",Depression +18786,"As i lay in my bed,Filled with hate, fear and dread,I ask, o Lord,Let me leave this rotten head.It brings no pleasure,No joy or pride,To sit alone,And cry.""So why?""I ask,""Am i forbiden,To be forgiven,To think,That this might change.That some day in the future,I will not be deranged?""But still i lay in my bed,Thinking of the color red.I might be better off dead,A head filled with led.But sleep comes easily now,Once this is off my chest.I will meet you all next time,When the thoughts'll come out to test. A poem",Suicidal +18787,"Hi, I am 43 old, bipolar. I never had any goal in life, never was financially independent. i still live with mom. My professional experience is 2 years long. I spent most of my time feeling sorry for myself. I stopped my medication quite a few time and ended up in hospital with a long depression that would linger for years. Socially I never fit, I had occasional friends. I do not remember a time when I was really happy. That was my life before IT happened.A year ago strange things started to happen to me, I would have unusual mood swings. Moment of gratitude and dull moment all in one day. I never had that before usually it is period of euphoria followed by period of melancholia. Now it was happening all in one day. I became mystical, believing God was behind every aspect of my life, every small detail. There are moment I feel OK and there are moment I feel totally lost. I do not understand what is happening to me.I talked to my psychiatrist about it, he suggested an antidepressant. I do not want to take it because I believe somehow the grace of God is in me but I doubt and that is killing me. Has anyone felt this kaleidoscope of feelings trapped in a short period of time like he was a divine instrument. another zone",Depression +18788,"I have always been what was considered abnormal or weird and for a long time I did not care because I did not realize what that meant and then I hit middle school and found out that weird meant getting your ass kicked and having rocks thrown at the back of your head while teachers watch and do nothing. Then getting older I began to not care again about being weird having seen people like me and then depression hit hard and I wanted to kill myself for being weird and the feeling has not gone away since and I feel like the worst part is that its all cosmetic things like the fact that I have been fat my whole life and never took care of my teeth that make me feel weird for the most part but some of its the way I think. The fact that I have never been loved by anyone other then family which I do not feel, even though I know its there I do not feel loved and feel like I do not understand love and never will because I do not want to try and get into a relationship if I am thinking of killing myself. It just feels like the saying I wish I was normal plays on repeat in my head and the only reason I am not is bad decisions and depression. I want to be Normal",Suicidal +18789,I am just not happy in my marriage..I find myself looking and jerking off to porn because I cannot get it from my wife. Not happy in my marriage,Depression +18790,"I just turn 18 and i have been a NEET for like 5 years, i have like a lot of mental problems so that make me unable to start conversations, paying attention, i have anxiety crises and i have depression and because of that i just have like 2 friends that i barely talk to them and I cannot have a job because of that many problems.My parents do not understand when i say that i have all this problems they just think I am shy and a stupid, and always tries to make me have a job or start studying but I am unable to, i try my best but i cannot, and it really brings me down when i do my best, but my best is never enough.My Brother was always the favorite from my family, he have everything he want has good grades and a lot of friends, people always compare me to him, I am likes his shadow, he had depression for a while, and my family did everything to help him, and that is really good.But when i said they did not do nothing, and my mom even said:""Your problem is not that serious as your brother's problem, he really suffers, you are just complain because you just lock yourself in the bedroom and play videogames all day and do nothing, that is not depressed that is just laziness"".I am see myself crying a lot lately, my life is like a looping hell, i cannot do nothing, nobody help's me when i ask for help, even my parents, the only reason i do not kill myself it is because i have a little hope, i now if anything good happen to me will be enough to me to keep me living.But i have been waiting for this moments of happiness for like years now, it is really hard to keep on, and I do not know when this little hope that i have will go away, and I am really scared when this happens, i try to say to myself that this suicide thought is not worthy and life is good and precious but as the time goes it looks more like a lie or just a fantasy.(Sorry for any bad English it is not my main language) Everyday is the same looping hell and i feel like a pile of shit.",Suicidal +18791,"As I come closer to my time to go, I am going to be writing letters to my loved ones. For my parents, I am going to write a letter and record two videos for them. One video will be an in-depth explanation of my decision and the other will be a brief happy video for them. Happy meaning just a video where they can hear me say I love them and so they can keep hearing my voice after I have passed. I have already created them email/drive accounts for all this to be backed up so they will not have to worry about losing the video. I have written other letters to my close friends. If you lost someone you loved, what would you want from them? Goodbye Letters/Videos",Suicidal +18792,Does anyone do this? I cannot stop. I keep looking around my friends house trying to work out the most optimal place to kms,Suicidal +18793,"After having spent weeks lying in bed trying to consider the logistics of hanging myself in my basement and worrying about who will feed my cat, I finally talked to my doctor. Hes changed my meds and hes trying to rush my referral to a psychologist. I am feeling better now. I have not thought about killing myself for a few days. If you guys have not all ready, please reach out for help. I know how bad this head space sucks. Suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +18794,"Because I am never having a good time. I am not afraid of change at all. I embrace it. I have changed country/language. Cities, groups of people. Jobs, asking for more and more money and getting it.I will know I am a sad/depressed little cunt, but at least I get to experience and see way more things that the guy that had something going back in my shithole natal town.The only bad part about my life is that I am completely hiddeous to women. And the way to have women is to be cool, good looking. I am neither, I do not care.I regret nothing. I do not give a shit about anything. I am okay with that. Having a bad time all the time makes me not being afraid of change.",Depression +18795,I just want to fucking cry right now HELP!!!!!! I just want to fucking cry right now HELP!!!,Depression +18796,"I am just having a super hard time dealing with the cards being dealt to me lately. In the last 6 months I have lost my apartment, lost my GF of 5 years, lost my job, lost my dog, had to move back home, mom just got diagnosed with cancer, having a super hard time finding work again that will work with me having to take my mom to daily doctors appointments. The scary thing is I have just kind of become numb to it all. I do not cry and have panic attacks or feel anything anymore. Its just been a constant feeling of unreality, like everything is a movie and I am just watching it happen. I do not really have anyone to talk to about it, my mom was usually that person that would put things into perspective but I am not trying to burden her with my struggles when she is dealing with her own, I am just trying to put on a brave face for her. But I feel like I am running on fumes at this point. Its been a rough 6 months.",Depression +18797,I made it according to 4chan. I fixed my social life. Threw away the computer. Started being successful with females. Gained muscles. But because my dopaminelevels are fucked I keep getting depressed all the time. It literally does not matter how much fulfillment I accomplish. I still feel like shit alot of the time. Thinking about suicide has been a common occurance for me since I was 15. I am 22 now. When I think about killing myself. I feel relief and I feel contempt. I just want to end this pain that never goes away ADHD fucks with my head,Suicidal +18798,"I want to cut myself so bad. Its all that I can think about right now and normally when I get the urge, I just punch a door or a wall or anything solid enough to sting enough to make the urge go away for a while. But my sister is home and she will hear me and I cannot cut myself because I cannot bear the thought of disappointing my boyfriend and I do not know what I am supposed to do. I do not know how to fight the urge anymore. I have tried distracting myself by crocheting and reading and listening to music and going outside but it will not go away. I cannot take this. I cannot handle feeling like this. Its all so much and I know I am dramatic. I wish I was not so fucking dramatic. I wish it was winter again so I could hide it more easily. And the fact that I want that makes me hate myself even more. I want to hurt myself",Depression +18799,"Made an account just to post this lol. I am a 19 y/o guy that I feel like should not be depressed. I have a lot of friends, a loving family, great grades and ok looks. I get along with everyone and I am usually perceived as the funny happy-go-lucky guy who is always smiling and even though this used to be true, it just is not anymore. I was diagnosed with depression this spring and now I am wondering if there is anyone out there in a similar situation?It started a while back as a feeling of emptiness and I started feeling like there was a hole inside me that would not go away no matter what I did so after a couple of months I decided to get checked out and surprise surprise I was depressed lmao. Ever since life has felt like a sort of blur. I get out of bed, go to work, see my friends, usually smoke some weed to ease the feeling of hopelessness(which I have btw gotten kind of addicted to recently) and then I go to bed just to repeat it all the next day. Its not like I go around feeling sad all day I just feel kind of grey, like there is something inside me that is missing.For a while I have really been trying my best to fight it, I try to hang with my friends, I go to bed fairly early, I workout and I am seeing a therapist but it just does not seem to be working. Id be super grateful any tips guy guys have and it would feel great ti know that I am not alone:) Anyone like me out there?",Depression +18800,"Obviously, do not stop helping and supporting the people you know. This is not a discouragement of that entirety.it is just that way more help, support, advice is toxic or ultimately harmful than I see acknowledged.People, intentionally or not, minimizing your problems, telling you that it is simply a matter of willpower or time, dropping you if you need support for more than a few days ( I understand that support is not easy, but this should be discussed or done gently, not just ghosting) etc. etc.... It just really shows how few people care, and even less do anything about it. Sometimes, people spouting ""advice"" hurts just as much as the problems",Suicidal +18801,"I am 18, 19 in October, I left school at 16 thinking I would, I do not know, feel better, cope better, but everything has gone to shit. I stopped hearing from my friends, and of course coronavirus has not helped, but it was before then. Even when I was at school I never really clicked with anyone, but I live in the middle of nowhere and I cannot drive, I literally have no escape. My dad is an alcoholic and my mum works all the time, my brother is abusive and I have no one. And I am at a crossroads. One option is to carry on and someday, hopefully, make it out of here, and the other is to give up. And I am so tired and fed up that giving up is looking ever more appealing than dragging myself out of bed everyday for the same things to happen to me. I try so hard to be good enough for my family, but its never enough. When my dad starts drinking hes the worst person you will ever meet, he gets angry and argumentative and abusive, and my brother is like that without the alcohol. Mum is never around, and most of the work gets left to me, but there is always something I have not done or something I could have done better. I just think its enough, I am tired and I cannot see an end where I am still around. I am not okay",Depression +18802,"I was in a terrible accident in 2016 I had just graduated high school and I was about to leave for college in a week but life had other plans I was with a friend and I ended up diving into too shallow of water I felt my neck snap. I was in the water flailing around ,sucking Water into my lungs my body completely numb trying to reach for the surface to no avail. I was dragged out onto the secluded shore in shock for what seemed like hours before being transported by boat to land and airlifted to the hospital. I ended up shattered my c5-6 Vertebrae in my neck having to fuse my vertebrae with a gasket to keep it in tact. Due to being in the water, i developed hypothermia, I had pneumonia, and I had a collapsed lung. I was in the hospital for three months instead of having the time of my life I have been stuck in hell the last five years. I have missed out on the best years of my life and continue to even now. My life as I knew it was over, as far as I was concerned I died that day l. I am a quadriplegic with no feeling below my chest but can move my arms. I am extremely dependent on help from others especially my parents, it makes me feel so guilty and I just feel like a fuck up all the time. I have no direction in life I have nothing I am good at, I am not smart, or good looking I just have nothing going for me. I want to move forward with my life but I am dealing with such chronic health issues and pain everyday and the drs cannot do anything to help. And recently I am losing what little function I have left in both my hands so everything keeps going down hill. I end up just sitting at home all day watching tv and playing video games which is absolutely miserable. I just have no clue anymore on what to do with my life. If I am being honest all I think about all day is how much I hate my life and that I wish I died that day. As time goes on my friends are slowly drifting away, they have real jobs now and what free time they have is usually spent with their girl friends. I am not bitter about it I understand how life goes, they will end up getting great jobs, get married, kids, and move away. I just wish I could have soaked in all the good times we had growing up, best part of my life. My whole life I always wanted to get married and have kids young, but that is just another dream shattered. No one in their right mind would date me my lifes a wreck, I am not attractive, smart, confident, what I am is a handicapped fuck up with no direction in life and coming up on 24 years of life with nothing to show for it. I have never even had a girlfriend let alone a date, if girls were not interested in me before my injury most likely did not get any points after my injury. Lifes just been tough and lonely lately and I guess covid has not helped either lol sorry for the rambling How i became handicapped 23m",Depression +18803,"Some days I am able to distract myself, on other days I simply get reminded of how worthless I am and that I am not really made for life or current society. I feel highly uncomfortable as myself, in my body, in my skin. I just want to disappear. No one close to me would actually miss me, everyone is too distant. I am merely an air molecule to them. I always end up feeling neglected and its probably my fault, my self-blaming is pathetic. I sound like a pick-me girl, I wish I could just shut up for a second. I feel like dying every single day.",Suicidal +18804,"I always feel very egoistic when I am sad. There are thons of people out there with worse problems than mine and i still for some reason think, i have the right to feel bad about myself. I have got (mostly) loving family and roof over my head- i fucking hate that i feel that way. I have no right to. I always feel so guilty when sad",Depression +18805,"I do not want to be here but I also do not want to kill myself, mainly for the sake of my family. If I could die in a car crash or some natural disasters that would be nice! My family would be upset of course but it would surly be easier on them than me taking my own life. No easy way out",Depression +18806,I fucking hate my mental illness and have been working so hard to try and live with this but it is getting impossible I just want to not exist anymore if this continues I will probably not last much longer I am already making plans it is unbearable I am so done,Suicidal +18807,"i hate this drug so much. I have never been so unhappy in my life. I have tried so many SSRI's but i gave up and decided to stick with cymbalta. if i miss a single day of it i get the worst migraine, brain zaps, anxiety, and overall ""sick"" feeling. what do i even do I am so tired of trying anti depressants did cymbalta make you worse",Depression +18808,"I am a sporty person, love basketball, and look forward to make it to the nba. I am new to reddit, I just joined a few days ago to post because honestly I feel like a loser. As soon as I made an account I searched up depression, I see this group or community or whatever it is called and join it as it was made on my birthday, January 1st, 2009, 3 years right after I was born. Schooling is a huge part of my problem, I have problems with it is system and its' style of learning. I just hate the thing itself, it makes me anxious, makes me feel like a damn sore loser. For someone who has a hard time paying attention in class, for someone who get's distracted easily, for someone who might have adhd, what is the solution from this shitty torture. I cannot keep up my grades, I am hardly passing, I have been listening to depressing songs lately, and even teachers hate me, which is honestly not a surprise because of the marks they have been giving me. 54 in math, and on top of that, he gives me all N's. So I talk to him about it, and he says I would not collaborate with my peers (Never did breakout rooms in my entire math course), I have been handing work in late (3/19 assignments handed in late) and says I have not been asking questions (textbook word problems, have been asking). He wrote a whole essay about me needing to improve on things, but I still never said anything back. I just took it as another one of those L's. Apparently I cannot play sports without 80s and 90s. While someone cannot be a dancer without 80s and 90s, someone cannot achieve a dream of their choice without grades, is what breaks me down rn. P a i n .",Depression +18809,"I thought I did not need this subreddit anymore. I was wrong. Heaven forbid I find a little bit of happiness without it exploding in my face. If this is all my life is going to be, then what is the point of going on?? I am back",Suicidal +18810,"I might not belong in this chat but I just wanted to get this off my chest . Delete if necessary. But I been dealing with some anxiety for as long as I could remember but whenever I get into a relationship with anyone it seems to heighten my anxiety. I am currently in a relationship with this incredible person (or that is what he portrays to me at least). He cooks for me, cleans, really does everything that a boyfriend should do. But I am always getting these voices in my head telling me hes cheating, hes not actually into me, hes waiting for someone better, just playing with my emotions, hes things from me and plenty more scenarios that play over in my head. All these things might not be true but its hard to get past the voices in my head but its hard for me to just tell myself that its me overthinking everything and just worrying over nothing. Hes always reinsuring me that he wants to be with me and he would not be with me if he did not want to be here . But I been with horrible guys in the past that did horrible things to me and want to blame them for why I am like this, but it gets to a point to where I have to look at myself and say its me and my mental health. Here an example of the most recent thing:I was getting out the shower and came out of the room and I noticed he was sad and I proceeded to ask him what is wrong and hes tells me hes having some family drama but hes okay, so I proceeded to give him a hug but I am the back of my head I am thinking maybe someone he was talking to broke up with him and hes sad, hes not happy being with me, or he wants to end things but scared to because he will hurt my feelings. He barely tells me anything about he so I assume hes hiding things from me. I am always the one telling him things about me. Its like hes closed off. But he says hes wants to be with me and have kids.Also he has this thing where he said he would never post me on his social media because hes a private person, so my friends and family are the only people that knows about us and I just feel like someone hes hiding me, so i feel like he does not like me. He tells me that my friends and family should be enough and I should not worry about anyone else knowing. It could be because hes not out yet but I would love to be for people to know about me on his social media. But to sum everything up I looking for advice on how to stop the voices and just be happy with the guy I am with. We only been together for a little over a month, yes I know that is very short but I am known to catch feelings very fast.Thanks for listening to my horrible life Am I overthinking?",Depression +18811,"Hey everyone out there struggling with depression, I have struggled with depression for almost 2 years now and I have been in this subreddit almost a year now. After many sleepless nights, heartbreaks, crying, feeling numb, and therapy, I am finally feeling better. It was a long road, a hard road to walk, but I made it. I just wanted to thank all of you kind strangers who supported me in the past. Sometimes it was really important when I had no one else. Thank you. Its the end of a road here for me now and I will leave this sub now that I am feeling good again. Fight on, you will kick depressions ass! Time for me to carry on now guys!",Depression +18812,I am going to drink vodka in my forest until I fucking pass out or relieve my stress. I am going to do the very thing I swore to destroy.,Suicidal +18813,"I am just using this as a way to vent so sorry if it is too long or whatever I just need to get it all out basically I am 16 years old rn, I am turning 17 in November and everything is just going so wrong in my life. I cry for hours everyday because idk how to fix anything and I just do not know what to doFor context, my bsf of almost 5 years moved 9 hours away. She was my only friend from school since I lost my friend group over petty drama in December last yr, so I am really really fucking sad and I have no one to hang out with so I have been inside my house all week long (she left last Saturday) ofc i do not want to blame it on her but she was a big part of my happiness and it just really sucks that she is gone and I am probably not going to see her again for a long time. Just last night I could not sleep bc I kept thinking about how she was the only one who came to my house on my birthday last year, and this year I am going to spend it all alone this is where all my suicidal thoughts come in. I really would rather die then be alone and she fr was my only actual friend and idk how I can keep going without her. I have been clean from self harm for a few months (I do not really keep count) but this situation is really testing that I think about cutting my self every single day. I have been strong enough to not give in yet, but I am really really scared.. I cry every day bc I miss her sm and I am literally crying while writing this I wish she would come back.. my life is going downhill really really fast",Depression +18814,"I am in nightshift where i will not talk to anyone for 12 hours and need someone to talk to, I would talk with my partner but she is getting high and talking to other guys Need someone to talk to",Depression +18815,There is nothing to look forward to just the same shit day after day. Food has lost its taste the things I once loved doing serve as a bitter reminder just how far I have fallen. I just want it to end. what is the point?,Depression +18816,"Hi all,I posted the following on r/advice too. I am not sure how to cross post from my phone. Scroll down for the TLDR. Thanks!I am looking for some advice. My late-30s brother is going through a bad break up and maybe an early midlife-crisis at the moment, and I want to help him somehow. The problem is hes making it difficult. Hes acting like an absolutely reckless, self-absorbed, mean, superficial, posturing asshole.Hes very successful professionally, but his personal life is a mess. This and what follows probably sounds judgy, but i love him dearly and I am worried about his safety.We have a history of bipolar disorder in my family. Right now, hes fixated on having a bunch of random, unprotected sex, aggressively driving his car and motorcycles, partying, etc. You get the picture. Hes really focused on appearance, his own and everyone elses who do not meet his criteria (family not excluded). And the other day he casually said that he could die tomorrow and it would not matter.All of his family, including me, live in other parts of the country. He hangs out with a new batch of partying, just as reckless early-20s friends every few months, so no one he has history or strong friendships with. He hasong-term friends, but they are not really in tough. They all have families now which is not really conducive to his lifestyle. I feel like there is no one in his life who is looking out for him or calling him on his behavior.I have been trying to talk to him as much as I can, but it does not seem to be helping. I have suggested he see a therapist I have gotten a lot out of therapy myself but he thinks he can figure things out on his own.To be clear, there is nothing wrong with having lots of sex or caring what you look like. Its just on the extreme end of things and I feel like its only a matter of time before something bad happens. For what its worth, hes generally an intelligent, responsible, clear-headed, funny, charming, and romantic person.Does anyone have experience with a similar situation?TLDR: How can I help a depressed brother who refuses help and is pushing everyone who cares about him away? Suggestions for helping my brother?",Depression +18817,"I started sh again, and I just do not know, everything is just so bad lately and I cannot take anymore not like I even have the things to commit suicide it just really sucks I also made a post here yesterday and here I am again, too tired to sh wanting to die while only being able to lay in my bed because I do not have the energy to do anything, again. Everything is so shit lately",Suicidal +18818,"I just got back from work and it was all good other than all I could think about was killing myself while watching the clock turn slowly.I have got some peace and quiet tonight so I could but probably will not, I just do not know how to deal with this shit. Nothing helps at all. I have spoke to a lot of people and no one has managed to help before-not their fault its just that no one can help me its literally always me in my head alone speaking to myself no one else there and there will never be anyone else I am so alone but surrounded by people and I cannot do anything I am sick of living this fucking shit I have reason but I am blinded by everything else I am sure ppl will read this and laugh at how stupid I am maybe my grammar is incorrect i do not even fuck this why am I even doing this shit man. Shit got worse all I can think about is something and I am crying and I have pointed out my vein I am so fucking scared of myself I do not even know what I want I am struggling and I cannot last much longer. Thought I would give this a try since I have tried most things",Suicidal +18819,"I am realy struggling to do anything at the moment. I am super low all the time and have very little motivation for anything. I am too depressed and anxiois to get a job, to socialise, even talking to family is so nerve racking for me atm and i just cannot fight the feeling off. I just feel like everything I have done up to this point has been a misstep and it will not get better at all. I have completed university now but have no confidence or ambition. I also have no money. Literally NOTHING. I spent my aavings on my final project and had little help from others, so i was wiped out essentially. I am so scared to tell my family just how bad it is as I have already asked them for money fairly recently and used it up. I just do not feel able to do anything and wish i was in a better place. I feel like a complete and utter failure",Depression +18820,"So I started cutting again... And this time I know I should not be doing it and need help, but i just cannot stop. I want to tell my psychiatrist when I see him next week but I am scared he will send me to a psych hospital. Will he? Started cutting again",Suicidal +18821,"I am so incomprehensibly filled rage that I have stopped throwing shit inside my room or hitting my boxing bag and just started aggressively rubbing my head with both hands, pacing around the small space in my room (because I barely clean it), hyperventilating while drool seeps out of my mouth. I have rubbed my head so much my hands feel like they are covered in wax. This is hell. My anger is driving me insane",Depression +18822,"I am not sure what to do. I feel like a she will of myself going through the motions of making my life work. I have landed a job in my career, I have a long term partner who loves me, we bought a house this year, we are trying for kids. At the same time, I feel out of place and my life feels meaningless, I do not feel like me or like I am able to really engage with what is going on around me. I make my life work (behave productively, act normal) out of a sense of obligation, but I derive no joy or sense of purpose. I mostly feel sad and empty and it does not seem like it is going to get better. I have spent thousands on therapy with different therapists and tried several medications that do not seem to make a difference. Life just feels long and disappointing. Is this all there is forever now? I do not feel like myself, its been getting worse for a few years and therapy and medication have not helped.",Depression +18823,"I do not mind it though, it seems rather peaceful, but point is that being alone is what causes us to die in the first place. that is what it seems to me at least I am going to die alone",Depression +18824,"I have not be able to draw seriously for a year now. I remember studying a lot and seeing my art evolve really fast back in march lockdown, but now it is the total contrary. I am getting worse, I rarelly get any ideas and everything I draw looks like pure trash. Looking at other people's drawings makes me both frustrated and angry, I really wish I could draw at least 1 thing I did not hate.This makes me even more depressed and I feel like there is no solution. High school has done fucking me up mentally, to the point where I cannot even do what I am going to uni for anymore. my poor mental health is making drawing/painting impossible",Depression +18825,I think I am also NPD. So essentially; I am hystrionic but also feel very psychotic. I really want to talk I am BPD.,Suicidal +18826,"Last school year, I actually made quite alot of friends, or ""Friends"". Though I do acknowledge that they are coming to an end soon. In 2023, I will be graduating. My friends and will go our own separate ways. Sure we might talk a bit on social media, asking and saying the generic things, but those are ultimately shallow interactions. As time goes on, we will forget more and more about each other. Some go off to college, move away, have families be too busy. 10 years, 20 years, 30 years we are not going to think about each other. I know people will say ""do not worry about that it is so far"", but I am unable to not worry about what is inevitable. Most friendships are not meant to last",Depression +18827,You can handle it maybe I do not want to handle it and just say its fine whatever and roll with what my brain wants. Tired of having to fight,Suicidal +18828,"If there is anything confident people are bad at, is understanding people who are not confident in themselves I swear. Telling someone to just be themselves is very difficult if we do not even know who we are How can you tell someone to be themselves if they do not even know who they are",Depression +18829,"Fuck here we go againLot of things to say however I will resume because none is going to read this anyways : F19 years old, slowly but surely becoming an alcoholic and addicted to smoking/painkiller, depressed since I was 12, 100% sure I also have BPD although not yet diagnosed, and daily anxiety attacks I can only calm down with substance abuse, no much of a social life anymore, destroying myself everyday. No boyfriend and I cannot seem to connect with new people, probably because of the BDP. Struggling with an ED (anorexia in the past) and currently binging everyday because of the alcohol, also having a new job deeply triggering everything mentioned before because I am left alone for days. I cannot handle any responsibilities and I am really failing life. I am tired of having to fight my own mind, and that crippling emptyness. I am thinking of just getting enough money to flight to a new country, explore for a bit and then when raining out of money (will be real quick) finally killing myself for good.I swear I just wanted to be happy for a bit, guess I do not deserve it. It feels so lonely here. Tired fighting my own mind",Suicidal +18830,"is not it funny how the dumbest menial shit can send you back into a depressive episode you thought was over? Every day feels the same. The exact same. I am constantly fucking everything up, and I just want to stay in bed all day. I am being spread too thin. No one listens. No one cares.I am not taking good care of myself either. I wonder if subliminally I am trying to die. I eat garbage and drink garbage and think garbage and breathe garbage. I do not enjoy doing the things I normally love. Everything is an inconvenience. I am married and have children. I do not feel important to my family. I feel I let them down constantly because I do not have the energy to give them what they want. To be what they need me to be. The tasks around the house pile up and up. I just want to rest. I just want to feel like this all means something instead of lying in bed at night and feeling the terror that someday I will be dead and I will wasted my life being a miserable asshole. ""A dead end job, a slob, and fucked up all the time""",Depression +18831,"I need help but I do not know how to tell my parents that. They are both people who does not believe in mental illnesses or suicide. But I am on the verge of killing myself, I am just scared, maybe if I told them I would have gotten help, but How do I tell them? Please help I need help",Suicidal +18832,"I have been wanting to leave this world ever since I was 13. I am 25 now and every year since then it is only gotten worse. It first started when I was 13 and realized I was gay and even then I knew what that meant. I knew I would be hated, despised by society and viewed as a subhuman. And I know that even more today. That remains the biggest reason why there is no hope for me. I am not going to change the world or society, if I were to end things, it would technically be a moral good since I would be ridding society of someone they think is an ""evil, subhuman, satanic, degenerate"". So there is that, and that alone is reason enough. Then there is the fact that I am a fat, ugly pos, basically an incel. Never even had a friend. Have worked stupid dead end jobs, cannot get ahead financially. I am a total failure and have succeeded at nothing. And sometimes I do not think I deserve to. Wtf is the point? I am already 25, cannot change most things even if I wanted to. I have 1 serious attempt in the past and it came very close to succeeding but i really do not want to risk it again. Idk why society wants to hate people then not even provide them a safe, reliable, medical option to leave this place. Feeling like leaving for 12 years",Suicidal +18833,"The past month I am trying really hard to get my shit together. Its slow going, but I am trying and of course my depression is not making it easy. But I started to eat a lot better and I gained weight (I was very underweight) so that is a win at least lolIm struggling a bit with personal hygiene. I have no problem with taking showers, but often I skip brushing my teeth, especially at night when I have 0 energy. I am also struggling to keep things clean.Does anyone have any tips on how to be consistent? What works for you? Any tips on how to function normally? Or at least be consistent with personal hygiene?",Depression +18834,Its been getting a lot worse lately and I do not really know how to stop it . A few of my friends has commented on it describing it as annoying or unbearable so I am trying to look for solutions about this. Any way to get rid of negative thoughts ?,Depression +18835,"Hi all,I have lived with depression all my life (35), over that time I have had some really low points and struggled a lot, there have been times when I have been on the edge of that dark place thinking about ending things. But somehow I have always come back from it. But this last few months I have gone through more pain and emotional trauma than I have ever had to try and cope with, because of that and how I have been I lost my best friend, the person I cared most about in this world, the only person who ever brought happiness to me and lit up my life with her positivity and energy. I have tried to change, sought professional help, and reached out a few times to apologise and see if I can make amends to try and fix things, but it looks like I have done too much to be forgiven. Everyday since then I have just been an empty she will, either crying or just sitting there lost and desperately hoping she will reach to give me a sign things will be ok. But as each day passes I am losing hope, and with it a piece of me, I can feel myself losing more of my soul each day, it is been crushed beyond repair over this. As I said, I have been thorugh some really low and dark points before, but this feels different to all of them, beyond anything I have ever felt. It does not just feel like this is worse that those moments, it feels like it is the end. I know I am not going to be strong enough to cope with this as time goes on. it is like I am just waiting for the end now, I know that one day this depression and pain over this is going to eventually overcome me, and when that day comes I know I will give in and allow it to end me. it is like I am just on borrowed time, stalling as best I can. I know it will not be today, it will not be tomorrow, but I know eventually the day will come when it is just too much. I have even started writing messages and letters for when I finally go, and have started to clear out my house to the bare minimum so it will be easy for whoever has to clear it out after I am gone. Sorry, this is probably more of a vent that anything as I am beyond help now. I have done all I can to try and save things but I have failed to earn her forgiveness. Really I am already dead, the day I lost her friendship is the day I died, I am just now waiting around knowing that one day finally my body will follow. Feeling like my depression has finally overcome me, and that it is just inevitable that oneday it will finally become too much.",Depression +18836,"I am a 33 male and I have a fiance with 3 children (step children) We have been together for 4 years and in most relationships we have had our ups and downs, especially when we first started dating it was really rough. In the beginning she was extremely tough to deal with, but over the past couple of years she has calmed down a lot. Even though she has calmed down and not as toxic as she used to be it has left me in a state of depression/resentment for her to a degree. Lately I have been drinking more, engaging in more risky behavior with my kink, smoking more to the point where I feel like I need to drink/smoke more to feel something besides feeling empty and guarded. Yes, the cheating happened a year or so ago especially when she told me she cheated on me with 5 other people back then all because of me enjoying my kink alone with out her (which is an object, not an actual living thing/person). I work, cook, clean and she rarely does anything but lay in bed and mosey around the house to check on the kids, but not much else. She has family and female friends she hangs out with but not very much. I do not even have close family or friends to hang out with anymore. I used to love playing video games, but even that is hard to enjoy anymore. I have anxiety to the point that I feel like I need a shot of alcohol or smoke weed before I go to work/do to make it through the day... what do I do? Resentful, tired, and unhappy...",Depression +18837,"Today marks the 9th anniversary of the promise that I made to myself, it was I would try very hard to make something of myself, try to be nice and help as much as I can and if things are still looking no better and I have made no friends then I would end my life at the 10th anniversary of the promise.9 yrs down things are still rough, yes I have learned so so much but life is not any better,I have tried multiple ideas, projects, business models it is always something unusually unlucky, Made 1 friend during the time and he stopped talking to me 2 months later due to some stupid misunderstanding.All the helping people really got me nowhere, do not get me wrong it felt good in my conscience but I guess you are not supposed to expect help in return.One year to go I have my will all written up, I still would try for another year but after that I am donating all my capital and my organs and leave my story in a free ebook named ""An epic tale of misfortune"".(PS: book is less depressing and more comedic listing some of the stupidest ways life cucked me over) 9th Anniversary of my promise",Depression +18838,"I need help to provide my baby needs. I am working so hard but my salary cannot even buy him a good quality milk. Like I have to buy the cheapest milk and diaper because our money is not enough. I cannot even buy him toys. All his clothes are from thrift store, he never had a brand new clothes. I really want to have a better job but because of this pandemic I have no choice. I am spending my 6hrs for the travel time just to go to work and when I am home I personally taking care of my baby, I do not have time to sleep but it is okay because I will do everything for him. it is just depressing that I cannot give all his needs. His 1st birthday is on August and of course we do not have money to celebrate it. No one wants to help me because I am a disgrace to our family since the father of my child left me. PLEASE HELP ME!!",Suicidal +18839,I have recently spiraled into my first bout of clinical depression and have reached the point where I am feeling completely numb. This terrifies me and I have notified my family that this has brought on suicidal thoughts so that nothing happens to me. Every second of every day I am in distress and its making me sick just feeling so hollow. What do I do? Emotional numbness,Depression +18840,I think this is my sign to leave. I am going to overdose and jump off the building later this morning I think I have decided,Suicidal +18841,"I do not see normal to tell a person who practices SH and with high suicidal tendencies that why not commit suicide, I genuinely want to know if this is normal therapy behavior or should I change psychologist... Sorry for my bad english, I am not native. Is it normal for a psychologist to tell me that if I want to commit suicide why have not I done it yet?",Depression +18842,"Why was i born so ugly, when i aesthetics are so important to me? I see gorgeous women everyday and i look like an old man. nobody has ever even catcalled me lol. It embarrasses me to even walk outside my house I am ugly and i cannot handle it",Depression +18843,"I have wasted my whole life doing nothing but playing mobile games all day and sitting on the couch all day. I am already 19 years old and I still do not even have a job yet which is truly sad and pathetic. My own parents are actually trying to threaten me that if I do not get a job, they will kick me out of the house right after I graduate high school. I have 1 year left to graduate. I honestly do not care what my parents will do anymore, I just want them to kick me out so I can end my own life. I never really cared about myself nor wanted to live. I do not have the guts to kill myself now so I am just waiting patiently for my parents to help me end my pain. I am planning to just end my own life right after I graduate. Chronic procrastination has affected my life in so many ways. Its affected my physical health, my hygiene, my relationship with my family, my school grades, and my mental health. I have struggled with chronic procrastination ever since I was in Elementary School. I did not really know what is wrong with me in the past but based on my own research, I am now 100% sure that I am struggling with chronic procrastination. ADHD is the reason why I struggle with chronic procrastination. Chronic procrastination has pretty much took away my happiness and gave me nothing but self hatred. I hate myself and I hate the way I am today. I truly want to change all of my bad habits, but its just too difficult. I cannot even do something as simple as brushing my teeth everyday which again, just shows how pathetic I am and how much of a mistake I am. I have tried to change my bad habits in the past but like a drug addict, I eventually relapsed back to my old bad habits. Trying to change my bad habits feels like asking a person with smoking addiction to stop smoking completely which is why its very difficult for me to change. The fact that I cannot change my bad habits no matter how hard I try, makes me feel like maybe I should just end my own life so I will not end up disappointing my family. Maybe I am just born to fail on life and never succeed. I no longer see confidence in myself and I do not see any point of trying anymore. So nowadays, I just let chronic procrastination destroy my life. My everyday life is pretty much playing mobile games all day and sitting on the couch. I honestly cannot stand doing the same thing everyday, but I know that even if I tried changing, I am just going to fail anyway. My weight is increasing every month due to lack of exercise but I really do not care because I am just hoping a heart attack will kill me. My dental health is not looking good either but again, I really do not care. All I am doing today, is just waiting for my death and thinking about what I should do now before I end it all next year. I wish I could just sleep forever so I can escape this reality but I know that is not possible. This year has been difficult for me, sometimes I cry in the night because of the amount of pain I am going through. I am tired of pretending that I am ok in front of my parents. They really have no idea how much pain I am going through nor how long I have suffered with this pain. The more we argue and the more they yell at me, the worse I feel about myself. The more I think about my past memories, the more I hate myself. Playing mobile games all day is more of a coping mechanism to me because it helps me escape reality and it helps me distract my brain from the pain. Everyday I act as if nothing is wrong with me but I am just hiding it really well. I am hiding my emotions through distractions. I deserve everything that is happening to me and I do hope I get COVID a 2nd time and hopefully end me this time. I am just done with my life. 1 year left to live",Suicidal +18844,"I have been off for a while now I do not even if I should call this depression,everytime I talk about a certain incident of my life I cannot talk about it without getting teared up and none of my family members really care,I am 17 years old and I have always wanted to be a doctor but approaching these exams I do not really know if this is where I start being happy again because life is still going to get harder and fucking harder,please help me out guys this is really the first time I have typed so much about this and I want to die peacefully without the pain or making much of a scene about it.Ps:the only way you can help me is by telling me a way out of this place I am stuck in. What will be the most peaceful way to die?",Suicidal +18845,"I feel sick, I feel like I want to vomit. I hate the goblin I have to live as everyday. I despise my small dick and the fact that I did nothing to deserve it. I do not want to keep living as this laughing stock and I will not do so.&#x200B;I am posting this on my alt for obvious reasons, I never ended up using it for anything anyways. For the past few hours I have just been feeding myself as much suicide fuel as I can to try to get myself so down that I will not pussy out and yet here I am writing a post on Reddit about it, humans are strong. I read a bunch of screenshots of women sharing their disgust at small penises, women cheating on their boyfriends because their dick was too small and then women feeling satisfaction seeing that small dicked fucker be sad and depressed. I think I have had enough, I want to puke. Partly because I am so sad that it is making me nauseous, but also because of how disgusting I feel in my body.&#x200B;Obviously there are other huge issues in my life than my dick size, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back, I am over trying to get better. I have all the stereotypical problems of every nolife dude ever. To anyone with an above average penis, I hope this post was satisfiying to you, that you got to feel good and validated for doing absolutely nothing and that seeing a person who is objectively below you give up like they should was empowering. Survival of the fittest baby, darwinism and all that shit, I am not one of ""the fittest"" and I will not try to be anymore.&#x200B;I am not looking for advice, this is more of a suicide note than anything. The least I can do for society is serve as study proof for why people commit suicide. I will not say what my method is since someone could use it as an idea and that would be indirectly teaching/encouraging suicide and I do not want this post to be removed. I want this to stay up as my sort of final fuck you to everyone, even if only a couple people see this I will be happy. Good luck in life, people. Fuck my small dick, fuck the whole world and everybody in it. I will die bitter and hateful and everyone will be happy.",Suicidal +18846,I cannot and do not want to do this bs anymore I wish I had the guts to just fuckin end it already,Depression +18847,"Firstly, I apologize for the tl;dr, and if this is not formatted properly. I recall the exact day of my first panic attack, being diagnosed as ""bi-polar"" followed not long after, maybe a couple weeks. Has anyone had extended periods of anxiety, I mean like, waking feeling as tho your gut is being torn apart, kind of anxiety, and for it \*not\* develop into depression. This could be the beginning stages I am sure, and it could also be my mind just being a dick head. I have been trying to stay off medications, and the options in my area , with the limited insurance I have, leave me extremely limited for options as far as therapists go. One place is telling me it could be 2-3 months, but another is saying they could start seeing me within a couple weeks. The obvious solution, you would think, would be the latter option. However, this place (2 different therapists), absolutely failed me to the point of it nearly killing me. Due to my insurance being cancelled, and me having nobody to help me and the medications (Mostly Lithium) causing me to go absolutely blank, my ability to feel was completely gone. I apologize if this is all over the place, but I am becoming more and more worried, which ofc is causing more and more anxiety. I understand that medications are sometimes needed, especially in conjunction with a suitable therapist, but if I were to go through all that again, there is no possible way I would come out alive, not again. As much as I appreciate how much empathy it caused me to develop, feeling nothing was probably the closest I could imagine being sent to a literal hell. You all surely know the story, but my family all but abandoned me at my absolute worst. To this day I do not speak to most of them, probably 95%. I would like to go on, but I am working on not falling into the infnite abyss that is usually my explanations. What I want most of all, is to be able to get my focus back again. What I want least of all, is to admit myself into a hospital. Tho, I do also understand there is a point in which it \*may\* be the only option, but I am not ready for that option at this point in my life. I have been off meds for about 6 years, and I was desperately trying to be strong enough to withstand the torment, enough to perhaps trigger something within me to move beyond it. [Question] It has been a while since I broke free from depression...",Depression +18848,Buy your self Tea. It is amazing what it does It gave me back my motivtion. Stretch your feet and touch your toes. Avoid constant sleeping unless you are tired talk to someone to help you out. I am a Christian who has had this problom some months ago. I prayed to God about it and was delivered from it.If you feel a lack of motivation force yourself to get up and consentrate do not talk or saying anything in your head. Were ever you calm your mind down and have patients. Letting thimgs passby and lettingthe noise distract you. Hope it helps with focus. If anyone is intreastead in getting closer to God and wanting some or ask question abput my faith feel free to contact me or you can go.r/Christianity or r/PrayerTeam_amen. God bless you all. Hey wanted to give some advice to people who feel the lack of motivation and energy and feel defeatead,Depression +18849,"I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 11 (I am 16 now). It used to be because I wanted to stop pain but now its because I feel as if I have experienced enough. Although I am not satisfied with everything, I could not ever be. I have experienced true happiness and I do not really want anything more.So now I am stuck between living the rest of my life just to see what happens or letting go because I feel ready.I feel like I am not cut out for this world. I have not never felt at home here and never will because of the way things have been set up. But anyway, I do not plan on leaving at least until winter (5 months away) because I absolutely love the cold and hypothermia is my desired way to go. Also please do not tell me to stay for my friends/familyI do not have an attachment to any one of them. Nothing left to do",Suicidal +18850,"I almost feel disturbed that I am excited I finally have a solid plan in place, I am so done, do not feel bad for me... do not tell me it gets better, I am ready to go, and though I am sorry for anyone who feels the same way I do I hope you find peace no matter the outcome finally have a plan",Suicidal +18851,"I have tried for months to get help with my mental and physical health and nobody seems to want to help me. No anxiety medications for my generalised anxiety Disorder. No pain relief for my pain. No tests or answers to all my other health problems. I am clearly just being left to die, so I might as well just do the job myself. I cannot cope anymore",Depression +18852,"I have been falling deeper and deeper into depression recently and now the only person that was keeping me above the water all this time is about to start dating someone and even though they are not together yet, I already feel like he replaced me with her.. I never talked about my issues with him (even tho he knows I have them) but he is aware of how much he means to me so it just hurts being abandoned like this by pretty much my only friend.. The worst thing is they have only been talking for like a week now (even though they have known eachother for about a year) and today when he got a new job offer, I found out about it by him showing me screenshots of the messages he sent her hours prior. I just do not have the strength to fight life anymore and I do not know what to look forward to.. Am I a shitty person for expecting him to stick around or is he a shitty friend for what feels like replacing me? 22M, slowly losing my only hope",Depression +18853,"I had such positive momentum going for weeks. I was hitting the gym, eating better, and just felt more positive in general. Then I got two bad nights of sleep and I just feel more miserable than ever. Its so frustrating that my mental well-being is so fragile and fickle. I was borderline suicidal after the 2nd night of bad sleep yesterday. Feeling a little better today but still just no motivation to work or do anything but lay in bed. Couple bad nights of sleep and all I feel is despair now",Depression +18854,"For the past years I have been feeling like I do not want to continue and want to stop existing. I do not even know how to explain this because I do not even know what is the main problem anymore. I had a lot of self esteem issues (still have), parents divorced, no friends but somehow I managed to get through to the point that I graduated, got a job where I wanted, have a few trusted friends, a girlfriend. Overall it was an improvement but I still feel the same even after all of this and I do not understand why and it drives me nuts. I do not know what to do. I have lost all my desire to live",Depression +18855,"Okay, I have went 50 days with out watching porn despite being addicted for the last 8 years, I have started going to the gym and put on some muscle, I have tried to put myself out there.Why am I still so alone? ""just take some time to work on yourself, it will get better after that""",Depression +18856,"Hi allI am just about to take an anti-depressant for the first time in my life (Mirtazapine 15mg). I have suffered with anxiety and depression since childhood but resisted the medication option for a long time having heard negative things about anti-depressants. Now, however, things have got to a point where I am willing to try anything and I am also in therapy. Basically, I really want this to work but I am also very nervous (go figure) about the possible side effects and how the medication will make me feel.Can anyone give me some reassurance?Thanks Nervous about taking anti-depressants",Depression +18857,hopefully ill just die here have not eaten in 4 days,Suicidal +18858,"old ass audi a6, 1994, 2.5 diesel engine. would my attempt be successful? in the the forest with windows rolled up and letting all of the exhaust fumes inside the car?do not want to talk about it, seriously.do not want to fail / surviveor better option would be helium bag? and how to tell if helium I would buy is not mixed with oxygen carbon monoxide",Suicidal +18859,"Been depressed and suicidal since 13. Seven years of unhappiness and nothing ever makes me feel normal. Nothing and no one inspired or helped. I tried professional help, meds, and reaching out before. I do not even remember being happy when I was a child, but I remember my first attempt was at 13. Finally have the means to do it without failure and I could care less about the pain at this point. My shyness and lack of personality has left me so lonely. I have never felt as hollow and empty as I do now. It feels like there is nothing left for people to take. I am the people pleaser type because Ill be filled with too much anxiety otherwise, so now I am just exhausted to the point of giving up. cannot fix someone who is held down by themselves. there is no reason for me to be this way, I just have never had a life and never will. I have never felt truly happy, or at least okay. I tried to just go through it for a very long time, I hope you all will continue trying. I hope it really does get better for every single one of you. If only we had some kind of off switch for useless emotions. My heart aches for the people going through the same thing. I wish all of you and myself peace. Who knows what comes after.Goodbye. 19f Wanted to tell someone who understands goodbye.",Suicidal +18860,"I mess evzrything i do I am tired i only have 1 friend , my family hates me everyone hates me my life is useless and all of this at 22 years old my life is dedicated to be ruined, crashed I want to die No friends no life nothing",Suicidal +18861,"Hey reddit. I just need to vent for a minute if that is alright. To give you some background I have possible PTSD about multiple severely traumatizing incidents. I have been raped in my own bed and lost my 15 year old friend in the same year. These are not the only traumas I have but they are the worst.My mental health has been rapidly going worse and I just feel alone. I have autism and struggle with anxiety and fear that everybody hates me and is going to ditch me. I have struggles with feeling like I fit in anywhere. When I talk to my mom about it she will not hear it since my dad is extremely depressed aswell and she prioritizes him over me in this situation. I feel like giving up so bad but I cannot. I want to be done with this I have been mentally ill for the majority of my life now and I am so tired. I have insomnia, terrible nightmares and panic attacks. I smoke weed to help me calm down (it is legal here) and I am very creative. I play guitar as of recently, I make art and I sing and those things keep me distracted. I have an amazing partner and everything but I feel so so useless. I quit my studies to focus on my mental stability but all I feel right now is that I am a failure. I hate myself, my body, my personality, my awkwardness and just me as a person. I hate myself so much.I feel alone, lost and like I am about to just give up. Sorry for this post I just needed to get this off of my chest. I am alone",Depression +18862,"I do not have a lot of friends, like a lot of people here. My best friend just told me she did not want to live past 20 (she just turned 17 last saturday). I misunderstood the situation, probably because of my autism or something. Now I have said some things that only made her feel worse, but I did not even realise. I really messed up, and I do not know how to fix this. I do not understand people, so I have no idea what to say. Please do not say things about how I am a bad friend or person, I already know that. All I want for now is to know what to tell her. how do I fix this?",Depression +18863,"there is no point to life. Were all going to die. There is not happiness. Once you think you are happy and life is good, bam! you are knocked down. there is no lasting positivity. Everything in this world dies. Friendships, relationships, love, and happiness. All that is ever left is sadness.there is always something to worry about. you are never good enough. No matter how long you practice or study, you will never be the best. someone is always better than you. you are never the winner or the hero. Instead, you are a creep who is trying too hard. A weirdo. that is all I am. I do not belong here. In this sad depressing world. I do not want to be here. What the hell am I doing here? I do not belong here. what is the point",Suicidal +18864,"I do not like my life, I do not like society, I do not like the future that is awaiting us and I do not want to live anymore. If I did not have family I would kill myself, but since I know they would blame themselves for the rest of their lives I sadly do not feel the freedom to do that. Over the last years I have been increasingly isolating myself from the world, often not answering phone calls/texts etc. because I just do not see the point in doing anything if at the core of my beliefs I do not see the point in living. Some facts about me: I am male, 29, pretty healthy, have a university degree, get by fincancially, live in one of the best places in the world and had a decent childhood/upbringing. My feelings are not an emotional reaction but rather a (rational) conclusion, formed over the years.I really do not want to go to therapy, I have tried it twice. It makes me feel like this life is even more useless if I need to work my ass off just to be able to afford therapy so that they can ask me fancy questions, tell me to meditate or to medicate so everything might get a little bit more bearable.I just do not want to live! But I also do not want to be the asshole that messes up other lives by killing myself. What can I do? I just do not want to live! But I also do not want to be the asshole that messes up other lives by killing myself. What can I do?",Depression +18865,I realized I am alone and have access. Just need to reach out. Just overwhelmed,Suicidal +18866,"My former friend basically ghosted me - or let our relationship drift apart, she just stopped trying - I asked her if something Was wrong and she denied it but at her birthday she did not invite me. If I died now I am pretty sure she will use my death and wine about it even though we have not seen each other in some years but we were best friends for 10Same for my other former friend who stopped having contact for 10 months with me and then called me out of a sudden and admitted having forgotten about me in the meantkme (her literal words) - I am pretty sure she also just called me to visit me in the New nice Country I was living in by then - she still has me as her background picture on Facebook... (which does not mean much but still)If I die they might not care about it but if they do it will be for the wrong reason and I hope I will be able to smack them in the head from the other side if they use my death for attention.Hoenstly I am okay with no one caring after I commit suicide but I am more worried about the wrong people caring. It makes me mad and it is just a thought. Honestly if anyone of my former friends will care if I died it will be for the wrong reason",Suicidal +18867,"I do not like my life, I do not like society, I do not like the future that is awaiting us and I do not want to live anymore. If I did not have family I would kill myself, but since I know they would blame themselves for the rest of their lives I sadly do not feel the freedom to do that. Over the last years I have been increasingly isolating myself from the world, often not answering phone calls/texts etc. because I just do not see the point in doing anything if at the core of my beliefs I do not see the point in living. Some facts about me: I am male, 29, pretty healthy, have a university degree, get by fincancially, live in one of the best places in the world and had a decent childhood/upbringing. My feelings are not an emotional reaction but rather a (rational) conclusion, formed over the years.I really do not want to go to therapy, I have tried it twice. It makes me feel like this life is even more useless if I need to work my ass off just to be able to afford therapy so that they can ask me fancy questions, tell me to meditate or to medicate so everything might get a little bit more bearable.**TL;DR:** I just do not want to live! But I also do not want to be the asshole that messes up other lives by killing myself. What can I do? I am in despair, what can I do?",Suicidal +18868,"I do not know why I keep doing this and honestly I do not know why I came up this way, the only thing I can conclude is that I fell in despair so deeply? Let me explain or at least try to confess you why I do what I do, because even if you will think I am weird that is okay, because yknow, not everybody DESERVE good things in life. But you DO!I am sorry if you do not understand my way of expressing myself or my bad grammar or English, that is okay because I just cannot do anything right, but English is not my native language.I always felt odd and I feel I had to fake my entire life to seem more normal possible, so maybe that is why I am here after all.I always envied people who knows what they want in life, and had a normal childhood, I do not know why, but I cannot let go my past Ill probably never will.I consider myself nothing, so If I was nothing I could be anything right? But no.I tried so hard to fit in a normal life style, taking inspiration from the people I loved, I wanted to be as closest as possible to them! But, I was just lying to myself, and things only went downhill.My family does not care about me, at all, I do not blame them, after alla I think they would be more happy with me.I look outside my window and I see everyone begin so happy.I wanted to feel happiness but everything I felt was emptiness and so much self hate.I do not blame people who use drugs or use any substance, if I had money or way to do that, I would because i refuse to live in a world with myself, at least even for fews seconds, I would like to feel something else other than emptiness.Day passed, and I tried to be positive, my mental health deteriorated, so I started to give in in my self destructive habits.I fasted, because why not? I lived in a body i hated, i world that show me Beaty but made me despise myself even more.I fasted with just caffeine tea or coffee, if I got hungry I ate some fruit.All my days where spent watching the walls or hurting myself in some way or writing in my dairy all the shitty things happened in my daily life.This was until I fainted on the supermarket, my sister and mother were so fucking bothered by this, and i felt like shit because I cannot do anything right. But after that something changed in me.I though I was dead and I felt so...blessed?But, after waking up all I was thinking was how I can get closer to it.So I stared to planning all the bad thing I could do to myself.I was quite good at it, but when a car hit me, not to the point of hurting me that bad I realised that I did not wanted to die that way.I wanted, yeah, someone who could kill me.Its so strange to think that, but, I could not help that.When I sat on the edge on my window I always thought if someone would even bother to do something to me.Killing is not easy and most of the people would know that prison is waiting for them, but its so hard to not think about it.I realised that there is nothing more than I want than someone who wants me dead, at least who wants to feel that they want to do that to me, because I would feel so alone if they would feel forced.I do not know why I would feel so worth it in this persons arms. The closest am I to death, the more i feel worth it.",Depression +18869,I am struggling to find reasons to live. Every waking moment is hell. It never gets better. It gets worse and worse.why is it always me? Is this the world's way of telling me I need to just.. bite the bullet and do it? I feel like I am losing my mind. I cannot cope. I cannot handle the thoughts of what happened.. what he did. I am so lost. I am so beat. Is there another way out? I so desperately want to die esp after what happened,Suicidal +18870,Been drinking for 2 months straight and I could not make it to the store for alc today The trauma penny is dropping,Depression +18871,Sometimes when the suicidal feelings start to kick off it feels like it is a physical part and urge of me. I feel it in my chest/heart area and I only ever feel it when considering and thinking of suicide. It feels so much more than a mental experince. It feels physical,Suicidal +18872,"There are so many options for every damn thing and I get overwhelmed because I just do not care so I just do not buy anything at all, even if I need the thing Shopping while depressed",Depression +18873,"it is like you are in a room full of sunlight and people. You hear chatter, laughter. You feel the sunlight on your skin. Only that the sunlight pricks you like shards of glass, And the chatter feels like sharpnoisesthat makes no sense to you.Suddenly, it all starts to fade. It feels like you are being sweeped into this big hole of darkness. The light passes by you, but does not touch you. There is no warmth. The chatters are now just mumbles, fading away. There is silence, but not calmness. You sit there, quietly falling into this pit of darkness. You want to scream, and you are, but it just comes off as a smile from your face.The fall is more like a pull, like being dragged with tremendous weight to the depth of the ocean; the weight of your existence, of being worthless, of being a burden, of being unloveable, unfullfilling. You finally hit rock bottom. You break down. Tears flow. You scream. But, it does not end there. Even the rock bottom breaks and now it only feels heavier, like a never ending fall.Sometimes I touch my wrist to feel the pulse. To check if I am alive. Coz that is the only thing that makes me feel like I am still living. I feel no happiness, no remorse, no sadness. there is just one feeling left. Pain. And it is never ending This is what depression feels like",Depression +18874,"I have been struggling with depression for at least 7 years now and recently got professionally diagnosed by a psychiatrist which was scary and infuriating.This whole year was a shitshow, my grandma who raised me for 1/2 of my childhood died, dad got into the hospital 3 times, my whole family got sick... Moved out from my parents' house and started living alone in the city. We had uni online only and I could not go out much almost all year, there were periods where I did not talk to anyone for weeks. All of my routines went to shit, and when the depression episode hit it lasted more than the usual couple of weeks/1-2 months: 11 fucking months and counting. There were periods where I could not do anything, just self-medicated, cried, or felt nothing for months and tried to distract myself.This is a huge problem since I am in medical school, 2nd year, and have to study a lot. I could compensate for those depressive episodes in high school but not in uni. I hate to admit I have a problem outside of my control so for a long time I was saying to myself that I am a lazy stupid undisciplined bitch and should work harder. So I pushed myself, tried every technique, routine, schedule under the sun, studied all day and it got so much worse. And despite being close to killing myself 2 times in the past, having almost all of the symptoms of depression, I still did not believe I had a mental illness. Because I am so much better than that, right? I am not an emotional person so how could I have a mood disorder. I used to have generalized anxiety and panic disorder from when I was 6 until I was about 17 and got over them by myself, so I thought I can get over this alone too.Only when I started being suicidal, like I did not only not want to live but thought that killing myself eventually is inevitable (since I am never going to become better), really wanted to do it, I thought of asking for help. Called a couple of therapists but they were either unavailable or straight up bailed on me. Cut myself, drank my cool Russian vodka straight from the bottle, smoked a pack of Malboros and decided to suck it up at least after my exams were over. Grandma died a week before the 1st one and I had to console my family, take care of the house and support my mom and dad emotionally. All while trying to cover 260 topics from anatomy in 10 days. For this exam and the next ones, I was way too depressed to study but studied anyway with my 0 energy, 0 concentration, and -100 motivation. Somewhere between the exams I kind of lost it and cut myself again with my pocket knife and it took me 2 days to clean up the mess since I did not have bandages and just made the bathroom and hall look like a murder scene. Slept a lot. My average each semester in the beginning of the depression and before it was all As and now it dropped to a fucking C. So I decided to be stubborn and try to get help again and found a psychiatrist, who had a lot of recommendations and good reviews. Started Zoloft. Since then I am either sleeping, having debilitating migraines or crying because of how helpless I feel. Since the year is over and I am on summer break my friends are calling me to go out, I got asked out on a few dates, I have to start work at the hospital. **I am so fucking angry, man.** it is so hard to make myself do any of this, I am extremely privileged and worked my ass off to be where I am....only to not feel any joy in life and want to disappear. I have parents who love me, I have amazing friends, I got into my first choice medical school to study medicine, I get to live alone, I have so many opportunities in front of me and no ""real"" problems to worry about and yet I am so fucking weak and pathetic that I cannot enjoy any of it. My brain is bad and I do not know why (the only explanation I was given is that my serotonin levels were low, it was a chemical imbalance, etc). I want to be so much better, as a friend, as a daughter, as a doctor in training, but I am what I do and everything I do now is a huge fucking disappointment to everyone. I feel like a fly jamming itself into a window trying to get out. It would be so funny if it was not devastating. All of my personality, ambitions, drive, enthusiasm, energy, pleasure go away because a couple of neurotransmitters are not doing their jobs. And I cannot fix it with hard work, cannot get over it through willpower and telling myself I suck, cannot ignore it. I miss feeling alive and wanting to be. Now I feel like an absence of a person, a puppet to my shitty brain, who is just trying to minimize damage.Wrote this whole thing to avoid cutting myself again since I have no mop. Was forced to tell my father I have depression (over the phone at that), he was shocked, felt bad and was so supportive in the end. Showing any kind of vulnerability, especially in front of my dad, makes me want to break every bone in my body afterward :) Anyway, promised him and myself that I am going to be better and felt so bad about it. How can I make promises about things I cannot really control? What if the Zoloft does not help, all I get is the side effects, and I continue being more and more depressed? I hate that I cannot trust myself and have to \*hope\* and \*believe\* that things will get better eventually. I feel so trapped, directionless, alone and tired - and I have no right to feel like this. Rant: I hate myself but this time I cannot use it as fuel in any meaningful way [TW: self-harm, suicide?]",Depression +18875,"What is everyone is thoughts on Trileptal I take it twice a day now I am aware of what it for I just want to know to what does everyone think about it! Hi, I am new and just have one question!",Depression +18876,I am sick of everything. Selfish men. Being insulted. I literally cannot get out of bed. What is the point. I am sick of being used by people,Depression +18877,"I have always struggled with myself, never feeling like i deserved anything, but i only ever became seriously suicidal last november, and eventually attempted during march. it was scary; i remember just wanting to be given another chance. my parents had to know to take me to the hospital, and that night, a lot of terrible things were said and done to me. i eventually believed them, that it i was making it all to be much worse than it was. that they were there to help me; i even tried four different therapists. but whenever i brought my feelings to my parents; they made it about thesmselves. a therapist i had only ever made draw, the second talked more about his problems than i did, the third only ever told me i was confused, and the fourth laughed at me. but i had such a fierce need to live. i eventaully reach back out to my old friends, who would thought i died. &#x200B;but, lately, I have been relapsing. the need to has always been there, but now, it is too much to bear. it is ridiculous that the thing that took me to realize it was my brother stealing my two months savings for the first birthday present i wanted to get in 4 years. but once i cried over that one thing, i began crying over others. and i realized i could not stop. all the thoughts that I have managed to suppress in order to survive are just flooding out. self harm is s tempting and so is just becoming one iwth nothing and solitude. I have thought about it, what my friends could do to help and there are only two i can talk to. one is currently on vacation with family, and the other i just got in touch with a few days agoa nd cannot bare the idea of already dumping this shit pile onto. and honestly, maybe it is better this way. i mean nothing. i am nothing. and it hurts to admit that all I have ever tried to be, all I have wanted to become is feeble and pitiful. i cannot bare it, to live in such toxic envornment where i have to go to school and be the perfect student everyone expects, where i have to wake up everyday and be the perfect daughter (which i am not, i tried to come out to my parents and they refused to listen), where i am just naive and stupid, and en extnetion for their distress. i have to listen to the troubles of adults or am threatened with being treated like a worthless rag, where my ability to contact friends is little and supervised, where i constantly have this thing wrong with me (whether it be depression, a personality disorder, or just my adhd) ignored and gaslighted into a quirkiness i want to possess. i try so hard, i really do, but what for i attone to nothing. i just want to be a kid, but all I have ever known is the need to be others validation and support. i cannot do that anymore. &#x200B;i do not know what i need to hear, but please, say it, because i do not know how much longer i can go on. and this time, i fear, i might not be as cowardly enough to tell my parents. I am tired and lost",Suicidal +18878,Just curious about if this causes any pain. I already have my plan and notes ready. I just want to make sure that my last moments are peaceful as I drift away to My music. Charcoal suicide,Suicidal +18879,"I am so sick of being alone. Being single sucks. And save the whole but you could be with a psycho so after all being single must be better. Clearly, nobody wants to be with a psycho. And nobody truly thinks marriages are perfect. I still want one, so save the bullcrap. I am so over living life alone, being a mom without wife stuff. Eff this So fucking sick of it",Depression +18880,"I guess I am writing this just to get it off my chest. At this point, I am sure my complete apathy to everything is a result of all of the stress, but I just feel... weird. A few weeks ago I was hospitalized because I had a plan and the means to kill myself. My boyfriend had a feeling something was wrong and stayed with me, and then I just exploded and told him everything. After that, I barely remember grabbing any belongings, going to the hospital, or sitting in the emergency room. I stayed in that hospital for about a day, and then was transferred to psych ward where I stayed for three days before being sent home. Tomorrow marks two weeks since I have been out. Since my release, I just feel apathetic or absolutely overwhelmed. No in between. I feel disconnected and kind of like I am experiencing a ""muted"" version of reality, if that makes any sense. Every day there is SOME reminder of the fact I almost killed myself and I am still dealing with transferring information between doctors, cancelling travel plans, and trying to exist. I know that at the end of the day, my hospitalization was a needed thing, but I am finding myself worrying that I just took my own pain and created more stress and pain for those around me. That was one of the biggest reasons I never told anyone but a therapist in the first place. I was hospitalized and now I feel apathetic",Depression +18881,I feel like I am standing on a thin strand of thread and might fall anytime. I have friends but no to talk to. This is the most difficult for me. I am so tired and miserable. The only thing that is holding me from putting an end to it is the guilt. I feel guilty that I will be leaving everyone behind and that I am going to be a disappointed till the end. I cannot do this anymore. there is nothing I do that makes me feel better. I want to leave without feeling guilty or ashamed. there is no good that comes out of me and that is how everyone sees it. I believe it too. But i do not want to be the reason everyone hates me till the end. I want to leave without feeling guilty,Suicidal +18882,"I have liked this girl now for about 2 years. I have seen all the other boys she is been with. I was friendly with all of them and up until recently I never allowed the guys to affect me personally. But recently in her latest relationship this anger and rage triggered me to feel so much pain and just hate not only her but him. I know I should not and I know its wrong but I feel worthless and empty and useless when someone I like does not like me back and it happens time again. I am not attracted to people who like me (who probably, still do not like me) I do not think of them at all. This girl has been very aware of my feelings the entire time but decided to date every single guy she could find around me (ok not every guy but some of them) and it really upset me because I kept trying to show her effort and attention but she never would let me in or care about me. Maybe a handful of times she was interested in talking with me and it was usually always picking up on bad things I believe because she thinks I am ugly. Of course you do not do that with someone you find attractive. I have felt really suicidal over this and its got to the point know where she knows and we do not talk anymore and act cold around each other. Its been 8 months in their relationship at least and I do not know what I am supposed to do to get over it anymore I am really depressed because this girl does not feel any attraction towards me romantically but not many women also do.",Depression +18883,Like I just magic and be happy that is all I want it is that simple I just want someone to use magic on me that either kills me or makes me happy for life. Why is it always a Psychiatrist or Doctor when they will not help you. What is the point of living life if trying to get help will not work.,Suicidal +18884,"I am almost 24 years old and lately I have been feeling absolutely horrible, for context, back in 2018 I have had an open abdominal surgery for a condition called MALS ( Median Arcuate Ligament Syndrome ), I had been ill for about 3 years until I was believed and the reason for my illness found, up until today I feel more like a hull of myself, I can cope in daily life but sometimes it just gets so strong, unbearable almost to the point where I just do not know what to do anymore.I can barely sleep, my own mind haunts me, the words I have heard, the feelings I felt, the experiences I made, sometimes it is just so much.Oftentimes I will look into the mirror and I just cannot bring up the love to look at the image, sometimes I cannot bear the sight.I do not want to be this way, but I just cannot bring up the energy to get up and try again, over and over and over, especially when there does not seem to be anything worth looking forward to.Sometimes I wonder, does it not feel weird when you look through my intimate posts and photos in the evening, MZ? Is there no shame, besides the one you attempt to push onto me? After all this time the ship did not arrive at the harbor, nobody came out and the harbor was quiet, a preacher stood on his wooden stand, glancing across the cobblestone plaza as if it were the home of his long lost friend, the eyes were blue.nulla est in nobis veritas I feel so lost..",Depression +18885,^ how much do i not want to be here on a scale from 1 -10 10,Depression +18886,"Sometimes I just want to give up. The reason why will sound so petty and hilarious to you, ha ha. I am a 24 year old man. I am a virgin. this is a problem for me, not because I am desperate for an orgasm upgrade (my right hand does a decent enough job), but because I want validation that I am worth someone is time and that they will get that close to me. I want to love someone and know them intimately and vise versa. I do not think people who have had a partner actually understand this. they are always like ""its just sex"". Uh, no, for me, its a symbol of acceptance into humanity, a symbol of love and acceptance. Sure my mom loves me. She has to. The trick is to convince a total stranger that you are worth something. In my eyes, I am a loser and pathetic. I cannot tell you how painful that is. And to get to the point, I feel like I will take so long to recover. I have allot on my plate. A court case, drug addictions, social isolation, depression, unemployment, a bunch of nasty scars that are obviously self-inflicted, learning disabilities. Need I mention, a brain that is fantastic at compiling excuses. I feel like a disgusting and unnatractive wretch. I am sure you can understand that from what I listed. But also, please understand that I am desperate to reach out and have someone tell me I am worth spending time with. At my lowest most loserish point, I have become more desperate for affection than I have ever been in my life. Shit luck, that is. And I cannot help but think I will be into my thirties by the time I have ""focused on myself"" long enough to fuck. And then? Well, Ill get to fuck ugly thirty year olds. There it is, there is the petty point I have been tryuing to get to this whole time. To be honest, I like to look at 18-22 year olds, young people, that is who I am attracted to. And I have squandered my opportunities to be with those people. And I am never going to be bezos and be able to pay for peoples affection, adn I do not think I am going to look like arnold schwarznegger either. So I have missed out. Also I am drunk right now. Sour grapes",Depression +18887,"I am a 16 year old Romaniam boy. Currently i am suffering from anxiety, depressiom and existential crysis. Sometimes i wish to die or to never existed, but not suicide.When i talk to people my age i am often stressed and anxious because they behave differently than i do and often they cannot understand me. When this happens i question myself if there is something wrong with me or if the society does not accept me. I cannot find anyone behaving similar or like me, it feels like i am a stranger, and because of this i avoid people.The only time i feel confortable around people in public is when someone i trust is with me, being there alone makes me feel unsafe and anxious.I cannot see myself alone out there. I do not know what to do.Highschool is very stressfull and annyoing to me, my classmates do not talk to me (only when important stuff i happening), i have 0 friends basically. When i go to highschool i feel so unconfortable that i do not even feel like eating or leaving the classroom !But outside of my own class i have 1 friend and we talk rarely, he is not similar to me at all, but he does understand me like 100% of the time which makes him a valuable person to me (and i am not gay).I do not know what i want to do with my life. I wish to be normal like everyone else but i do not know how. I spend all day home using my PC and smartphone, i am very dissapointed of myself for living such a lifestyle. Afraid of a social life.",Depression +18888,"I stopped drinking for a couple months almost. I got drunk like 3-4 times in the span of 3 months. But the last time I was drinking i blacked out and drove an hour away and crashed my car into a field. (I already have a suspended liscence) I must have ran off the road. I called my old friend and he helped me out told me to hang out with him and his friends. TW TW TW: I woke up to him behind me and then started touching me and apparently we hooked up that night. I do not know if we had sex or not. What if we did and he yanno. I am on birth control, I have an IUD but still. He paid for my tow truck for me. I am humiliated and disgusted with myself. I am insanely lucky no one was hurt. I am insanely lucky the police did not show up. Now I just have to pay for damages. I told my family that I deer came in front of me so I swerve doff the road. Taking it to the car shop soon. I am so full of shame and guilt. And I feel really dirty. It is crippling. I detest myself. I hate living a lot. My existence is nothing but burdensome and painful. The cycle never ends.",Suicidal +18889,"Its like playing a video game on hard. Every negative emotion hits 10 times harder. My feelings of worthlessness and inferiority keep resurfacing. I am trying to get a job abroad and live a better life, but I cannot stop thinking that I do not deserve it and that Ill never have it. I want it so bad. I do not think I can take much more of this...I feel like I am trapped. I want to escape this place. Job hunting with depression is hellish",Depression +18890,"I got nothing to talk about, I never go out and do not have any friends. All I do is game out, stay home and listen music. I do not drink, I do not do drugs, I do not even smoke. I hate this feeling where I have nobody to talk to, I cannot even a real conversation with family. I feel worthless. I got nobody to talk to... and I always need someone to talk, but....",Depression +18891,"After 36 years of an unfulfilling life, I have decided this year is my last. I am going to take my last few paychecks, up and leave, and travel. I just want one good year. And at the end of that year I will finally overdose on heroin like I have wanted to for awhile now. I think it will be the best way to go out. My Birthday is Coming Up, it will be My Last",Suicidal +18892,So I have come to a realisation I have been trying to ignore for a while now. No matter how long I go without contact no one will ever reach out to me. Feeling like shit more then ever,Depression +18893,"I do not know if this is where I should post this but its going to be kind of a rant with a backstory going into why I do not want to be alive anymore. Every day I wake up feeling like shit. I feel like Ill never amount to anything and that my life is as meaningless as used toilet paper. I spent everyday for years lying to people and only caring about myself. I spent so much time only wanting to foresee my delve into greed. I used a lot of people and hurt them. I spent most of my childhood being alone. I never had many friends if any. I never had sleepovers or went to parties. I never was social and I was always seen as the weird quiet kid. I was a victim of intermediate bullying all through my school years. Whether it was because my hair or the clothes I wore, kids always found a way to make me feel weaker than them. After I graduated high school, I went down a route of manipulating people to get what I want and feel better then they were. I hate me for doing those things. I feel so alone every day. I feel like I have no purpose in life and I have no one to turn to. Everyday I just feel nothing but a wave of angry and sadness and it follows me wherever I go. No matter how much I bury myself in video games, YouTube, creative writing or music, I just feel blocked and empty. The only person that I have in my life who can understand me is my dad because he suffers from PTSD but our relationship as father and son is so broken and does not seem real. We are more like roommates than we are father and son. He only talks to me when he needs something. Growing up, he was never really there for me and I remember some nights I would go hungry because he was more interested in spending money on cigarettes than food. Ever since he got fired in 2018, he just seemed to have lost his purpose and I feel like I am more of his father than he is mine and that hurts me. I have tried to tell him this and he acts like hell get it together with himself but he never does and that breaks my heart. I have like two people I can actually call my friend but I never really get to talk to them much because they are both very busy. One of them is my girlfriend that I love dearly but my overthinking gets in the way so much. I feel like I cannot be good enough and I have really bad attachment issues so I suffer whenever she is not around. I spent 4 years of my life(2016-2020) on 2 different people that emotionally and mentally destroyed me. I am so sick and tired of being me. I am so tired of waking every fucking day knowing I am stuck like this. Being an angry, sad and depressed wreck that cannot better himself. I have tried therapy, antidepressants, trying new things and taking better care of myself but no matter what I do, I always turn around and feel like death is the better option. I am just so done with being tired of overthinking constantly and feeling like I can never achieve anything. I am tired of being overly dependent on people that are hardly ever here for me. I am tired of feeling like I cannot forgive myself for my ugly past and that I do not deserve anything but bad things. I feel like the only reason I am not dead yet is because of my shitty job at Walmart. I get so fucking close everyday to killing myself but I never find the way to put together the plan to do it. I just want it all to stop. I want to stop worrying and being scared of everything. I just want to be free from all this bullshit in my head and I feel like killing myself may just be the way out. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Death Weighs Heavily On My Mind Everyday",Suicidal +18894,"it is been 4 years since i got depressed, Nothing has changed. it is because i do not work hard. I do not open up to people. I want to be loved but i do not let anyone love me. I am so tired. I just want to die I am so tired",Suicidal +18895,"Maybe not the appropiate sub, but invalidating people's happiness is as bad as invalidating people's grief. I am a bit glad that there is people that can enjoy their lives, and I would never wish them my mental illness. Controversial Opinion",Suicidal +18896,"When you are talking to someone and know what they are saying is bs but you can not do anything about it because you are getting so confused by what they are saying so your mind goes in every direction and you are just standing there like ""are you kidding"" and then slowly drift into self-doubt and just give up.anyone knows that feeling? gaslighting seems worse when when you know it is happening",Depression +18897,"When I was 15, my family sent me off to a treatment center after a few runs away, an overdose and two attempts at my life. I did really bad in the program but there was one therapist who really really helped me a lot we will call her P. I originally had a therapist that my parents requested because he had the same religion as my parents but he was not helpful. About 4 months in to my program, I got in some legal trouble and that therapist threw up their hands and went to the board to have me removed from the program. P freaked out in the board meeting and told everyone that giving up on people who need help is not what this program is about so she made room for me on her plate and the board let me stay in the program. I saw her nearly every day and wed talk about everything. She knew me way better than I could know myself. If I did not graduate the program, I would be put in a higher security treatment program or to juvenile hall. She was always my advocate and she made sure that I graduated even when my parents ran out of the money they got from the second mortgage they took out to pay for my program. Right after I graduated from the program, I found her on facebook and we chatted from time to time until it eventually stopped for no reason. I eventually stopped using my facebook but I kept it because that was the only way I could get ahold of her. It is now 15 years after I entered the program. I just turned 30. I own a successful business, own a house and have been married to the love of my life for 5 years. I have been spiraling deeper and deeper into depression for the last three years. I have no reason to be but it has been happening. I have been to psychologists and counselors, I have been on medications, I have tried to talk to my spouse but that is a story for another post. Nothing has been working and my thoughts are darkening to the point that I fear the worst for myself at my own hand. I keep thinking about the days when I could just go into Ps office and talk to her or see her walking the halls and ask for a chat. Last I heard, she moved to a different program and eventually retired in Colorado with her husband. She probably barely remembers who I am because there were 50 kids in the program at any given time being seen by 4 counselors, the average program lasted 8 monthsso that is a lot of faces going in and out of there. I am wondering if anyone thinks it would be strange for me to reach out to the only therapist that worked for me 15 years later? The only therapist that helped me",Depression +18898,"2020 was hell. At this point, it is just an agreed-upon point. It was the year that took so much and now I am finding it impossible to pick up the pieces. As of today, my dad has been dead for seven months. I lost him to covid and ever since I have felt like the world got worse. I have been looking for work but cannot find anything despite hearing that there is a labor shortage everywhere. I have no one I can talk to and just getting an appointment with a therapist is an uphill battle. I feel completely alone. I cannot get help and I keep trying to find a place to get better but no matter what I do I am alone. This morning I woke up to the realization that the only relationship I cared about is over. That I have been ghosted by the only person I related to. What hurts more is know that if I had not had a manic episode where I went off on him for barely being around maybe he would be now. I both want to talk to someone and at the same time want to be alone without being alone. I am a mess.",Depression +18899,"So fucking done of letting everyone down. All I fuckin want to do is die. Why was I randomly born into this life of such expectations. Whatever, right? Just drink water and go to the gym and magically suicide ideation will go away. Fuck this shit",Suicidal +18900,I have to drive to a meeting in 30 mins. Hoping a semi truck takes me out on the way. Life is mostly just needless suffering with short moments that are less terrible than the other moments.,Depression +18901,"There is no reason to just continue living when I already know how its going to end. I just get used in relationships but my life is basically pointless if I am alone. I am going to die alone anyways so why prolong it. Just a waste of time and space to stay in this universe. When you are destined to die alone, a failure. Its absolutely pointless",Depression +18902,Is it me or does anybody else feel the need to isolate yourself from your family when your going through depression? #depression,Depression +18903,"I have to drive to a meeting in an hour. Hoping a semi truck takes me out. Life is mostly just needless suffering with short, momentary moments that are not terrible",Depression +18904,"every day is harder and harder and I am not sure how much more i can take. I am trying so hard to just fucking get up in the morning and sometimes i cannot even do that. I am forgetting to eat, staying up till 3 am, i havnt showered in 3 fucking days, i just want things to feel ok again but nothing ever does. I am in therapy and I am on antidepressants which are working bc I am def better than i used to be but nothing seems worth it anymore. i just want to fucking die. i want to die",Depression +18905,"Idk how close I came to concluding this clusterfuck life today, but I had a few drinks and uh, I am feeling q whole lot better you all. Just wanted to chime in, hanf in there, I hope things improve you and uh, you are not alone. Cheers! The worst day of my life recently, and only drinks can make it better.",Depression +18906,"I find myself getting depressed lately. Ill try to be brief. About a year ago my gf and I moved across the country because she got s good job. I find it hard to deal with our new way of life sometimes. She is super busy with work sometimes and will spend evenings there after dinner. I am left alone. Which usually would be fine, but due to higher cost of living here, I cannot really afford my hobbies any more so when I am home by myself I just kind of lay on the couch. That leads to my mind picking things apart and feeling depressed. I do not feel much motivation to do things with my free time. I get all the chores done and keep the place clean t after that, I am so bored. Boredom leading to depression",Depression +18907,"I have been doing very poorly... I have ideation of suicide but no plans to do so. I recently moved to a new state, discovered I was trans (mtf), came out to some close friends, and recently re-entered the closet. (it is not the best time for me to follow through, I cannot afford to transition and I would be essentially exiled from my entire extended and immediate family.) I needed help and desperately tried reaching out to my close friends, but they will rarely speak to me now. When I confronted them about this, they gave the typical excuses of ""we have just grown apart,"" or ""lives are too busy to keep in touch,"" or ""I am just not good at maintaining long-distance friendships,"" and other assorted ways to assuage responsibility for being my friend. it is somewhat understandable, but I have no one here. I am living in my parent's house, alone, while they fucked off to the north for vacation. I am spending six weeks in complete isolation while I do my job through Doordash. I have taken to alcohol, drink 2 or 3 Four Locos per night, finish off any empty cans when I wake up. I am a mess, and when I ask for help, my friend have responded with silence. I get a response once a day if I am lucky, and it is always some half-hearted ironic ""oof"" or ""same.""I know they would regret that response if I were to unalive myself, which is disturbingly what I secretly wish. Them to be wrapped in pain and regret for not being there when I needed them most. I know it is sickening, and I hate myself even more for thinking it. But I long to be mourned, even though I will never live to see those reactions. I only want to live in the memories of loved ones, because physically living is just... hell. Even when I hold the absurd privileges of upper-middle class existence, there is no joy, no happiness. Just stale wheat toast without butter, it is burnt black coffee that is gone lukewarm. The pointlessness, the endless trudging on, knowing you will be faced with more meaninglessness. The connections we make become the ladder out of this pit of despair, but my ladder just is not there anymore. And I have no fucking idea how to build one. My friends are not there for me",Suicidal +18908,"My wife hates me and abuses me everyday. Last night she woke me up at three am, at the end of talking she told me she wishes I would die. I wish this too. I am glued and in love with my 18 month old son. I want to die, but I cannot bare him having to live with that. Please someone help me My baby boy. Will he be better off?",Suicidal +18909,"I am still looking for the high I got before my mental health started declining. but even though I got more time to spend with friends and family, it just does not feel the same anymore. I do not feel any better, everything that used to be entertaining and gave me happiness back then feels bland now. I even started trying out new things but I just cannot get into it. shit, even alcohol does not give me that high anymore.I met new people (online and irl), but also lost contact with a few due to quarantine. Some of them are fucking amazing and even tried to help me get through this, but I really do not want to bother them because they have their own problems, some of which I do not even know.suicide and self-harm have crossed my mind a few times, but ultimately I chose not to do it on the account of knowing that alot of other people who had been through worse are still going strong. I have seen and heard alot of people who harm themselves for attention and I really despise that.I am really embarrassed about how noticable my past romantic relationships affected me. I really want to just apologize to some of them because they are great people, but I was just hard to deal with at times. I do not communicate well enough, I get really insecure when someone else is making moves on them, and I do not give them my full trust because of how my old relationships ended up. But I am trying to change, I finally found someone who actually looks like they care. I admit, the time I spent with some of my exes makes me happier, but I still find this current one better in some way.I hate talking about my feelings, and I rarely do because I feel so vulnerable, I hate how people you trusted just stab you in the back. But I guess that is how life works, for anyone who are going through the same as me, or even worse, I do not know if its going to be fine. Shit, it might even get worse, but there are people who want to help you, people who are going through it just the same as you. I do not want to say to you that everything would just magically get better, but if you really want to not feel like shit, same here. The best of luck trying to get better. I do not know if I am depressed, but I know I am confused as hell.",Depression +18910,"Does anyone else get waves of just feeling off or wrong? I feel like everyday plays out completely different than the previous, and my emotions fluctuate a million times a day. Slight happiness, extreme sadness, agitation. Sometimes I just randomly start to feel weird and its extremely uncomfortable. Feeling off at various times?",Depression +18911,"A girl i met with 3 times is making me feel like a piece of trash the first painful thing she said to me (after just 2 dates) was that she does not know is she wants to be with someone ""so attentive to her"" (i said how i was in my tinder profile) i did things like asking if she is comfortable, (in the first date just the first 2 hours i asked if i can kiss her) etc, after that i told her i was going to meet my friend and she told me 1 hour before to meet, she also told me to meet her at 7:20 am to take her bus together and she told me when we exist from it that she met a friend, i cheered this girl, and after a few minutes of walking to her practices place she said goodbye to me like hey see you later, it hurted, she presented me to her, as a friend who casually found in the street a moment ago, another day she told me to meet i said that it was ok but i needed time to be ready (things like shaving taking a shower etc) in that moment she changed her mind, she told me today also that she will be in another city from tomorrow until sunday (which i think she did not told me before but maybe i forgot it because maybe she told me it the first date and i was so nervous), she says also that she do not know when she will meet me again because in a few months she has an oppositions examAm i overreacting? i am really sad this girl is the only one who kissed me, we did hand holding, too pls help She makes me feel even more depressed, but am i wrong? it is ok to be mad at her?",Depression +18912,"I am devastatedI'm embarrassedI let my thoughts control me I am sorry I broke my no cut streak of 3 years, today",Depression +18913,"Whenever i feel good something reminds me that life is shit. Everyone says that time heals the past but the things that have happened cannot be fixed they are permanent me and my gf just broke up and we were being civil but now its like she hates me, but maybe i should not care because she is part of the reason i feel like this i cannot stop spiralling people told me working would help but now i just feel shit for a different reason i have tried to kill myself before, i took an overdose but the hospital saved me. I am stupid but want to be smart, I am lazy but want to be active everyone wants so much for me but i cannot meet there expectations and then when i can they think its something that i am choosing i am probably going to die soon but that is okay i do not think i am right for this world Please help me",Suicidal +18914,"This is related to depression because I was diagnosed with MDD 5 years ago. Cold turkey-ed 4 years ago. Since Jan 2020, depression has worsened. Covid might have worsened it this year. My parents are narcissists. My teachers were narcissists. I have been excluded by my classmates, no matter where I go. No physical abuse but faced emotional abuse from almost everyone I know. I am now 25 years old. I do not have friends. I do not have any company. My coworkers are just coworkers. Not much contact after work time. Its just me alone in my room. I hate facing my parents. Even if I speak calmly, act kind towards them, I despise them. I am not so sure on whether I hate myself. But I hate being this weak person without any manliness. I just want to get out of this hell hole country, and live in someplace that provides basic mental health care. Everyday of my life is just torture. I am trying my best to keep it together, but I do not think I can do this for so long. I am not self harming myself because of that tiny bit of hope. So guys, tell me a way to earn some coin. Get a job from some other country and migrate. And yeh, I am the main character of this world, this world is about me and me only so screw anyone who says ""ThIs WoRlD iS nOt AbOuT yOu, EvErYoNe Is UnIqUe AnD hAs LoAdS oF pRoBlEmS!!"". What would you do if you were born in a country without mental health care and annual income of $12000 per year with a degree?",Depression +18915,"I had a 3 month relationship with a narcissist. Then I left. I had one month of overthinking her action and then wondering if i am borderline. Now I do not question anything and I just feel depressed Thinking about my mental health and not knowing which problem causes me my low motivation, my inability to study or work and my guilt about it makes me depressed",Depression +18916,What are the pros and cons of helium? Helium,Suicidal +18917,"(23F) My brain feels like a stormy day and I just need to let out some of the worries that tend to rotate around my head. I am not properly diagnosed with depression but I do have anxiety so it is very likely.\- **I am super emotional with my boyfriend** \- From the get-go of us dating, I have developed a tendency to cry a lot with my boyfriend (24M). he is a complete sweetheart that I have known most of my life and I love him so much. He is always there for me (as I am for him) and I truly feel at peace when I am with him, especially when we are relaxed in bed. I told him he feels like a nice warm blanket in that I feel comfortable and safe. I think he reminds me of the best parts of my dad as a person - particularly when I was little. (My dad is not a bad person, but has his flaws)**- I feel like I will never have enough money to support myself and live a good life** \- I have always been pushed to be the best, especially since I am the first to have my Bachelor's degree. While my parents sympathized with me and are not at all bad people, I constantly feel this pressure to be successful and independent, but I worry a lot about finances and just life in general and how much it will change. My father comes from a background of former military and poverty and I have tried to mold myself into the successful image he is today, even though our life circumstances vary.**- I have a constant fear that life will suddenly change** \- Nearly a year ago, a close family friend passed away suddenly. That was the catalyst (along with COVID) where my mental health took a negative turn. I have always worried about circumstances like this but this event made it worse. Now, I constantly feel this way when my boyfriend comes over to my house. it is not far from him but the traffic worries me, a major reason why I have not driven on my own.Any advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thoughts constantly running in my head",Depression +18918,"Is it even worth it? I am 20 yrs old and my dad died when i was 3, ever since I have had some of the worst step dads. One of them basically ran sacked my mom of every penny she got from my dads life insurance and then cheated on her for 2 years before she found out. I have had a couple more since him, but now my step dad of 5 years lost his job because hes an opioid addict. He was a pharmacist and got fired because he was stealing pills at work to crush up and snort, he only lost his job a couple of months ago and his doctor put him on anti depressants and what not to help him. So about a week ago I walk through his room to get downstairs (have to go through the room) and find 3/4s of his pills smashed up on a desk and a pen caked on the inside with powder (obvs his prescription pills) and him lying on the bed zooted out. So obviously I call my mom and send her pictures of what I saw. Within the next couple of days my mom and grandma proceed to blame me for this whole situation, saying I am only doing this because I need an outlet for my problems and I am putting them on my step dad, saying that I should just move out of the house and make it easier fo everyone and that I am useless around the house anyways. This whole time I was just worries because my moms boyfriend step dad (never called him that in my life so) is sniffing his pain killers and anti depressants, and could easily over dose but no every one in my family is cool with it as long as his doctor gave them to him, like am I the only one who thinks that is fucked up? And just confused how me showing concern for a guy I have never gave a shit about anyways is back firing on me and I am the bad guy? hes snorting pain killers and no one in my family even cares because there prescribed to him? Am I delusional to think that is fucked up? Anyways I have been contemplating suicide for a good year now for multiple reason this sort of the cherry on top, thought multiple different ways of how to do it and where, just cannot seem to chose one. I have really had enough I do not give a fuck about anything anymore really, and literally everything is always my fault, even when its comes to me worrying about my moms boyfriend over dosing some how its my fault. At this point I rather end it all and go be with my biological father up in the clouds, as I never really knew him or had anything to remember him by.",Suicidal +18919,"How can you even live for yourself? What am you supposed to be doing?? I personally derive enjoyment from nothing, none of my hobbies or anything. they are all just ways to pass the time (or to convince myself that its better than doing nothing)... until what, what the fuck am I waiting for? I hate an existence like this and I hate myself. I have said to myself countless times that I am done with it all but I do not know where to direct my intent. I do not know what method to use or when. But it has to be soon, preferably this year. The deadline is closing in and I am all for it. Even if I have to suffer, well... I would be dead not long after, who cares. I would care in the moment but then I would be nothing. Life, huh.",Suicidal +18920,"how do you. I am dealing with bipolar disorder, mostly depression and anxiety recently though. My doctor mentioned SSRIs but I know they can diminish your sex drive. I have been dating (the first woman I have dated in like 6 years) for about 4 months (we have been seeing each other much longer though) and my sex drive is a lot more active than hers. I am thinking that SSRIs could potentially slow my libido, and hopefully not kill it, to match hers more and possibly help with my mental health issues at the same time. I am not looking for medical advice, only looking for other peoples experience in this matter. Question about peoples' experiences with SSRIs in relationships.",Depression +18921,"Recently, it is become a chore for me to get out of bed in the mornings. I do not find any desire to read or watch movies anymore like I used to. If I do end up cracking open a few pages or sitting down to watch a film, I do not even finish what I start. My sister made a joke a while ago that I am like a robot because I had cut all ties with friends just because I could. Maybe I am a robot. I definitely feel like one if I do not even feel a sense of remorse about pushing people away. I do not even have the desire to build or rekindle relationships. I do not see the point. After my work day is finished, I make a beeline home, and pop a melatonin so the day finishes up quickly. I just want to disappear back into my dream world. Time does not exist there and it is okay for me. It just sucks when I hear my alarm blaring into my ears the next day when I just want to curl back into my own world. Why should I wake up, anyway? Everyone tells me that better things are going to happen soon, do not give up, you will get there, blah blah blah. it is all repetitive and I am honestly done hearing that bullshit. I have gone through group therapy, intensive therapy, and I see my own therapist and I think I am just done. If anything, I just want someone to listen right now. Maybe someone might tell me something different. You know, it was way better to make up excuses when I was sad about something, but what happens when I do not feel anything at all? &#x200B;Anyway, thanks for reading. I do not feel anything. Is this depression?",Depression +18922,"My life became boring in the recent days, I want to die because I cannot tolerate this pandemic anymore, I want to visit other places because I love having vacations, but I could not do this until I am born again. I feel that I need to die soon",Depression +18923,"I was hesitant at first because I am a hypochondriac and Stephen Johnson syndrome scares me but I am tired of feeling like this, and so my doctor suggested something like lamictal or abilify. I ended up deciding on lamictal.Anyone have experience doubling up on medicine like this? Its a new one for me. I am also on gabapentin and concerta for anxiety and adhd. Viibryd not as effective as I would hope. Doc putting me on Lamictal. Anyone have any experience with this combo?",Depression +18924,"Without going into too much of my background I just want to say I have a pretty good life. A wonderful wife, amazing 3 year old boy and a lot of responsibilities like cars and a house. Must mean all my complaints are probably pretty trivial and customary to someone in my position right? The problem is I cannot keep a job. The sad thing? I get tons of praise wherever I work. People are always happy with my performance. I am quick, efficient and work incredibly hard. Yet here I am again. This is going to be the second year where I will have three or more W2's. I just do not get it. Usually something in me will snap and my behavior while not violent or angry will start the downward trend towards unemployment. It usually happens so fast. I come in to work like this morning ready to work, something distasteful happens and the stewing begins and before you know it I walk away just because I cannot deal with how I feel inside. So much emotion that I just cannot function. Whether it is sadness or anger I just have no way to vent and over the course of 10 minutes or 2 hours, days or weeks. I am done. Time to find yet another job. It can happen instantly even.Honestly this cycle is becoming so incredibly depressing. I know how I must look to my wife and I do not want my son to think this is normal. The fact is I do not lose jobs because of my behavior or performance, I lose jobs because I quit. I just cannot stay happy anywhere I work. I tried changing professions a little over a year ago from being a mechanic of 8 years to driving a truck and it did not help. I feel like any job I do I will be unsatisfied, something will happen and the snap will occur and I will just be done again. I absolutely hate this. I worked at a place for a year as a garbage truck driver, gained respect, was considered one of the fastest and was constantly praised...however I lost my truck for a month, became disenchanted, began seeing shadows in the water and made them out to be sharks. In the end, I walked away feeling like I was treated unfairly when in all reality I probably was not.I do not know how to stop this. I am constantly letting my thoughts run rampant and I cannot figure out a way to fix this. I want so bad to go back into the Army just because it was the longest job I ever held due to my inability to quit. When given the option and things do not go the way I expect I always do this. Many of you may believe that makes me a quitter but it is not when things get hard that I become lazy or procrastinate. it is always the next day, or the next week when these crazy ideas come into my head and then it is a matter of time...like a cancer. I cannot express how sad this existence makes me. Normal people do not suffer from chronic job quitting unless they are running from their own professional inadequacies. A preemptive move on avoiding termination. After some introspection I do believe part of my problem within my own head is I absolutely refuse to talk to anyone about what is going on up there. I do not want others to think I am a complainer. I do not want to burden others with my problems and things just stew and become worse. I am living on borrowed time and I have a family who depends on me. Unless I discover a solution I am going to lose everything.I do not know if that is something to be depressed about but I really honestly feel it is. At 32 suffering from chronic job quitting",Depression +18925,"Living to ~80 seems bewildering, am I just going to suffer that long?? Really, how much better can I get at this point, and how much worse? Feels like rock bottom every week, and this week it is every day. And every time I feel better, it gets all the way back down again.Wish I was not too weak to cut successfully. And it would crazy because I would never think that about someone else. But me? Lol yeah I feel like such a wimp. I am shutting down, and i have important stuff to do today. Fuck this. Honestly. I wish I could kill myself, obviously I cannot and I am angry at myself because I will not. it is stupid. I am suffering all the time anyway. I had night terrors again last night, for the first time in a while. It fucking sucks, it affects you physically. Why cannot it actually just kill me for real, this is so fucked up. I hate it here. I hate this life, this earth, this existence, this body, i hate it. I hate when people are jealous of me too because it is like bitch i really have nothing, there is nothing to be envious over. I am just living a pathetic existence honestly. Fucking horrible honestly I did self harm for the first time in a while, and I have been really good about it before now. I wish i could do more though Fucking god why do I have to live this long",Suicidal +18926,I have been exhausted lately and cannot stop sleeping/laying down. I feel weighted and not in a good way. I am sick of feeling like this and cannot imagine seeing my 30th birthday. cannot fathom living ten more years with constant anxiety either. Bone Tired,Depression +18927,Hopefully I do not break down again but still do not want to be here alone anyone here want to talk about what is hurting us Hard night slightly better day,Suicidal +18928,"I still feel some slight hope that things will get better but mostly, I just feel empty, angry or helplessly depressed depending on time of the day. I am 25 fucking years old, I have been through so much trauma, the only person I could ever see myself spending the rest of my life with is dead, I cannot even fake that I am okay convincingly enough that the people who are dumb enough to care about me do not worry. I am in pain every single day of my life. I cannot go one day without having a flashback, anxiety attack or panic attack. My body is a mess. I am trying to hold on but I absolutely feel myself slipping. I want to stop pretending",Suicidal +18929,Her wedding is next month and is planning on inviting over 100 people including cousins she never met. When the invitations came my parents were invited but not me. They called her up and asked why I was not invited. She went silent and finally after badgering her for an answer she said I was an autistic loser and her wedding was for cool people only. Then she called me the R word and said she did not want people like me ruining the happiest day of her life. I do not know what I ever did to her. I know I am socially awkward and cannot hold conversations very well. that is no reason to exclude someone. I am so upset. She stopped talking to me years ago when she got popular in school. My family thought she would grow out of it when she got older but it never happened My (33/M) sister (30/F) invited everyone to her wedding except me,Depression +18930,"Depressed ex of a year broke up with me a few weeks ago due to depression and also other factors. Right now I am living in an abusive household, which caused my low self esteem issues. I dumped all my problems on him and he tried to fix me, but all I did was complain he did not love me the right way (I needed words of affirmation to build up my self esteem, I now know that I do not need it from him but from myself. I am in therapy now). he does acts of service as his love language which I did not understand before. He actually tried to build me up before with words of affirmation but then stopped when all I did was complain. He loves me very much but he is so stressed with work and he has no free time for himself, that its stressing him out to focus on me and zero time for himself. He had episodes of depression before where pushed others away, but I stayed firm and did not leave him. He actually let me in and let me comfort him. He trusts me and is vulnerable with me a lot. Hes tried to push me away before and say that his depression will hurt me in the end but I said I accepted him the way he is. But my actions did not show this!!!!About a month ago he almost died from Covid. I was the only one there for him besides his other friend. He felt guilty that I did so much for him. I was angry and did not feel appreciated by him and told him so. He tried to compensate by giving me more of his free time and doing acts of service, but I was still bitter. he told me later that he really does appreciate me, he just has a hard time with words). A few days before breakup we were intimate and he said I love you. A few days later we got into a fight where I accused him of not appreciating me, so he broke up with me. Said someone else will love me right and not hurt me like the monster he is. He told me his life is out of control and he cannot date right now. Also, he said that we do not fit because I said he hurt me and that he does not love me like I want him to. also our schedules currently do not line up either. he says I do not understand his love language so we do not fit.He said he tried to love me but hes letting me go because he knows hell hurt me worse down the road. I am now in therapy working to heal. I have been no contact for a few weeks now. but i do not want to sever all connections. A week after no contact he messaged me saying he misses me and I was his best friend. Hes been periodically checking up to make sure I am doing ok. I have been telling him Ill change, Ill become confident but he says no you are perfect the way you are. He thinks he is responsible for a lot of my misery in the relationship when I would cry and pressure him for words of affirmation. (terrible behavior from me). OBVIOUSLY right now we both need time and space to heal. But I miss him, he was like my best friend. this is a good man and I hurt him with my issues and told him hes not loving me right. And he hurt me with his issues. I feel so horrible and I really want him back. But I know right now is not a good time for dating. After giving him some space, how do I reach out and be there for him?? And how long to wait? a month, two? should I completely go no contact or reach out from time to time to see how hes doing ? should I ask for forgiveness? he blamed himself for everything and says he is a monster. Ill be happy to even support him as a friend but how do I do that? how do I be there for him if he is pushing me away??",Depression +18931,"Hello guys, first of all sorry for my bad English I am going to make some mistakes I hope its readable, I made a post here a while ago when I had a fight with my dad, lost my ex etc I see professionals I take medication and I will not kill myself because I love my mom and I do not want to break her especially that she lost pretty much all her family, but my problem is that I am suicidal I cut myself a lot I am just so lost and broken I do not know what to do to make these dark thoughts / overthink stop, I really want to die but I cannot, so if you guys have any tips for me to forget my ex and my dad and to stop these never ending dark thoughts please tell me, thank you so much in advance take care everybody I am 20, I am suicidal and I need advice / help please",Depression +18932,"I just attempted suicide today, and I had given each one of my friends a thank you and goodbye note for sticking with me even though I am the type who attempts to commit suicides every year or so. My old friends responded with you should bring yourself to the hospital for ingesting a toxic substance. They expressed they feel sad and worried but the emphasis was to seek out a health professional as soon as possible. And I feel that such response does not even acknowledge any of my feelings why I even feel this way or what has been the triggers and so. There is this new friend of mine who received my note as well and has responded, it is what is, goodbye and I will never forget you. And that just makes me want to kill myself soon. I do not know how to feel or even react now that I am laced with medication which makes me feel numb atm. After getting out of this room, I doubt that I have the courage to reconnect with them ever again. Friends' responses to suicide notes",Suicidal +18933,"I do not have a plan for my future, tbh I cannot even imagine myself in the future, I am 27, unemployed, single and feeling like I am running out of time No plan, running out of time",Depression +18934,"Hey, I am from Brazil, our economy and lifestyles are quite different, but I have been feeling like life is just an endless struggle. I only know the ""bad"" side of life, the side that gets the bare minimum to life, the side that see my mom cry because she has no money to send to my grandpa to feed him and his sons, the side that sees people plotting against my stepfather to get him fired.I have only know people that work their asses off and they almost have no money to pay their bills, they have no money for hobbies, no time for playing videogames (a thing that i love to do), read or even just chill and do nothing.the point is, i know nothing besides this kind of stuff.i feel like this is waiting for me (even tho I am 50% done with my college graduation to maybe get better life opportunities) and if this is living... i guess i do not want to live . Life is just an endless struggle?",Depression +18935,I dunno what to do while he is gone....sitting and staring at the wall seems likely Bf's leaving for a month on vacation,Depression +18936,Which. Divorce vs suicide,Suicidal +18937,"I made a post here last night and I am not sure how it made me feel. My support system is failing and while I am not in any immediate danger or danger at all, things are getting dimmer. I used to be able to come here and vent for a bit and I am not looking for sympathy or validation for the way I feel by any means... I could come here and shake off what was going through my head and at the very least I would get a few upvotes. It made me feel like I was not alone. Getting a comment and the chance to interact with someone was even better. Now, there are so many rules. You cannot do this and you cannot say that. I poured my heart out in here and one person gave me an upvote. I know that one person took the time to acknowledge me and that is why I am not a danger to myself. I do not know who that person is, but I know that my life has had an impact in some way on them. that is enough for me to keep trying. My problem now is that I am not sure I am my body is physically capable of keeping up. I am not sure if I can get out of this hole. The pain and the inability to keep up with almost any sort of physical activities had taken its toll on me and there is nothing I can do. Every time I try I get knocked down or told I cannot. Why do the people that say they care about me refuse to help me? Then... Why am I even bothering bringing this up in here? This place does not have the answers either. I guess I was right when I said I was waiting. I just wish I knew what it was I was waiting for. Feeling really lost today.",Depression +18938,For the longest time I have had suicidal thoughts and wanted to escape but could never bring myself to do it. But when I found out about shifting I was so happy because I had finally found a way to escape without having to actually die. I became very invested (not to the point of my obsession though) and have been trying to shift for about a year now. I have never been successful. Ever. I see posts of people being able to and I try to let that keep me motivated but I just cannot anymore. I am so impatient and I just want to be in a place where I am happy so bad and I do not want to wait anymore. Now I am back to suicidal thoughts and am genuinely contemplating suicide. I am an absolute disappointment to everyone. There is nothing keeping me happy here. I do not want to be here. I am not even doing well in school. I am just a waste of breath. I do not understand the point in trying anymore,Depression +18939,"I am tagging nsfw just in case, since i briefly mention some history of SAHonestly? Yeah, I am ready to fucking kill myself. Nuke my little world and all the trauma I have been through.I have been lying to my small circle of loved ones that I am fine but I am super not fucking okay. I have seen a lot of blood. I have lost friends to suicide. I was mentally/emotionally abused at home, bullied outside of home as a child. I have been used over and over and OVER My own mother decided to sweep my sexual and psychological abuse from my ex boyfriend under the rug. Why? Because she is fucking his dad!!! And so i had to run away before i was ready for the world. I am almost TWENTY. I have no fucking clue how to budget. cannot clean to save my life. do not even know how to pay bills- My roommate and boyfriend help me do that. I was homeless for six months because of her. Because if i had stayed in that god damn house any longer i would have ended it.Money this, money that.Every little thing now makes me more miserable.So, SO tired of my bank. Arvest sucks, the way they process transactions so they can make money off overdraft fees is criminal. My apartment building shut off my water without any kind of warning yesterday because they apparently were fixing something (its back now but NO WARNING) I am almost 100 in the hole (after being so good about avoiding it, but i had to buy groceries), and my fiance, bless his heart, is having to cover my stupid ass on rent AGAIN because i cannot get enough hours at work to save my life. I am hunting for a second job (because i thought a freaking restaurant job would make more money than i do now!! I am so dumb!! I had to leave walmart because i was constantly in the hospital and/or sick and it was killing me!) and its really screwing with my anxiety. Hell literally be flat broke after bills, because he has to pay his phone bill that he put off...because I could not pay it. I have no parental figures that are in my life that i can ask for help without getting lectured. (I do not trust them much anyway but...that is a LONG story. Really long.)Which means we will not be able to get a cheap-o ac unit that we desperately need this check (because our electric is insanely expensive right now because were having to run three fans to keep my lungs from chucking a hissy and to keep my fiances asthma somewhat under control) , or anything else, like a pair of work boots that said fiance needs for his new job.I am tired of constantly struggling. I am ready to give up. I am tired of always struggling.",Suicidal +18940,"My wrists itch, fingers trembling the ghosts of old scars there. Switched it up to bruising and now the pain and force feeling is missed when they start to fade. Throat fluttering and clenching for pills that are not there. Sinuses full and head woozy brain all encompassing. How is this so romanticized that I actually love and miss it.Mania will come tomorrow so I will be okay. If I just ignore the way my body feels today and accept the loneliness of being crazy but not showing a soul beyond therapists and hotlines. Romantic suicide",Suicidal +18941,So when I was in 5th grade I got bullied and started to become depressed and I got bullied to whole year and when I was 6th grade I got bullied again at that point I was depressed and wanted to kill myself till this day I am still bullied and I am lonely now going into grade 10 and I am lonely and depressed but I am having Suicidal thoughts still since 5th 14 Year Old depressed and lonely,Depression +18942,"First off I am not asking for any medical advice as I know that this can only be done by a doctor.But I wanted to know if weed helps you with your depression or makes it worse.For me it is working incredibly well. My gf was on vacation last week so I got some weed (she does not like it when I smoke because it worsened the schizophrenia her brother has).So on Monday I go to work, incredibly shit day, I get my shit done buy some weed and at home I smoked some. And then boom: anxiety gone, negative thoughts gone, mood lifted and sleeping like a goddamn baby.Next day I wake up go to work. Of course I am still a little dizzy but I do not feel stressed. I immediately get to work, need fewer breaks, am more social to my co-workers it felt like I was ""cured""( of course I know I was not cured, this is merely a crutch and not a healthy one aswell in the long run).I keep on doing this for the whole week and I had zero mental breakdowns or other symptoms.So I am just wondering, does this help you aswell? I stay sober the whole day so it is almost as if the weed from the night before just still keeps me calm even tho I do not feel high anymore.I have tried CBD for a while but it just feels like a slight breeze blowing against the hill of my depression, whereas weed just blows the whole fkn mountain away.I would also like to add that I am extremely cautious when smoking. I plan so I do not have to drive a car for at least 48h and never smoke before work or any events I need to attend. I am just curious about your experiences because I think I might be able to ""bridge"" with weed until I will finally get a therapist (waiting time is currently around 6 - 8 months) and I do not want to take antidepressants without therapy because of the side effects that may occur (mainly libido and ED because a huge part of my confidence stems from my sexuality I can express with said gf) aswell as I do not want to check myself in a psych clinic, as it often is the last option I think of when I have a mental breakdown. Does weed help your depression or make it worse?",Depression +18943,"Because I am too severely disabled Band mentally ill, I am forced to live in a facility for disabled and mentally ill, a group home. I also will never ever be able to lobe independently. Most of the time I basically exist. I eat and sleep, and do not do much else, I cannot do much else.Everyday I hope my life ends. But it does not end. How can I endure this for maybe another 60 years or so?Is it even worth it? I am too severely disabled to enjoy life.",Depression +18944,things you never experience in your.. because you never had a complete family seeing other parents buy shirts and stuffs for their kids ...you will ask when will i get to exprience them being treated at mcdonalds having a nw shoes or had a chance to play console games growing up as an orphan...you always tell i hope someday ill experience those wonderful stuffs this feeling,Depression +18945,"You have no idea how hard it is to grapple with these feelings when you are pregnant... my mental health has declined to probably my lowest point ever, and I feel so guilty for wanting to find a way out while I am in this state because I will not be ending just my life, but another one too. But I just cannot take it anymore. I cannot go through a single day without thinking of ending it all anymore. I thought loosely of giving myself maybe a week to try and fix the shit in my life that is beating me down before going through with it..I feel so stupid, afraid, trapped and just so completely alienated and alone. I have no one. No therapist, no people I know around this area, just no one. I hope I figure out what to do eventually, because I only see one option for me if I cannot. Pregnant and suicidal",Suicidal +18946,"i could not find any in the house so i called my mom and she said she ""had to"" hide itnext week I will probably have to ask for water because i might drink to much so to poison myself apparently i cannot even take an aspirin now",Depression +18947,Wonder why I am still around struggling with this life. I am going through so much and right now I wish never existed. it is a vent and I do not even know where to begin... Feeling lost,Depression +18948,"Since I(31) have been born, I failed in establishing myself successfully in lifes most important factors (at least for my health): work, friendship, and love. Despite learning more than the average student, I always wrote bad grades. I barely passed high school. Beside that I was always mocked in school. I do not recall having one friend. I remember being always nice to people, but somehow, they found me boring. One time I managed to get invited to a new years eve party. When I showed up at the location agreed, nobody was there. I later found out, that they tricked me for fun in to showing up despite they do not want to hang out with me. This is one example of dozens being mocked by my peers.However, I managed to survive school without friends and started motivated into my twenties. I worked my ass off to save up money for college, since its basically impossible to get a good job without a college degree where I live. At 25 I had saved up enough money to finance this. Like in school I could not manage to write good enough exams to stay in college. Within four/five years I failed twice my classes, which led to dropping out of college after five years, since I could not finance it anymore. The only job I could find now, was a minimum wage position. I am doing over hours as a cashier at a fast food chain to make ends meet. This situation drives me insane. I worked many years to save for college to just lost all money I had and get nothing back in return. Besides that and never having many friends, I never experienced the slightest amount of romantical intimacy. Because of that I suffer from a terrific lack in this basic need. The worst thing about this, is knowing that the reason for my chronical rejection. I am just that unattractive. Why: I have basically tried everything to make a date happen over the last decade. I signed up on multiple dating sites, I asked out women directly, I joined single meetups. Nothing worked. Almost every women rejected me. That a woman once showed interest in me, never happened. Like every lack in a need, this lack starts to affect my mental resp. physical health negatively. The longer I have been rejected the more I suffered from symptom of this involuntary celibacy. I suffer from panic attacks, insomnia, depression and so on.And I know these symptoms occur because of this situation because whenever I made a small progress in this need like having a date or being touched in this context by a woman, these symptoms disappeared. Beside the obvious things like sex, kisses or relationships, I miss out all the social encounters within dating, since I am already getting cut off for a date. I never talk to a women, I never get messaged, I can never message a women. Here I am. With nothing and nobody. Poor. Sick. Every women rejects me. I do not know how I should continue living this life without anything of these things. I am going insane. I am basically the man no women wants. How can I accept that? People complained about not being able to date during covid. I am living this Nightmare for 31 years. What should I do mean? When nothing in life turns out right",Suicidal +18949,"These past few weeks have been... really trying. Never really been suicidal but it is been on my mind a lot lately. More than usual. I do not know, I just feel like I have failed in life. I am 25, still unemployed, virgin, no close friends, still struggle with anxiety, hardly any family aside from my parents. I just feel like I have nothing else to give.I lost interest in applying for jobs because they either reject me or ghost me. Been trying to get back into applying a couple days ago, but man, I just do not feel like doing it. Literally have no money in the bank, and feeling more and more pessimistic about life as the days go on. I have usually been the person to spread positivity to others, but now it is like I do not care about ""positive vibes"". I do not. I wish people could actually understand how I really feel, and why I feel like this. I just feel if I open up I will be treated even worse, or pushed away because it is ""too negative"". Anyways, I just wanted to vent and say what was on my mind. If it was not for my parents, or the fact I like to go for walks, I would probably be dead. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel even if the tunnel looks blocked. The fact I am still here... probably means something. But it is been trying. Very, very trying. Just been hard lately. Trying to hang in there.",Suicidal +18950,"Whenever I voice out my suicidal thoughts to a friend she always says ""just think about what your mom would feel"". She does not explicitly say that killing yourself is a selfish act, but that is the point I am getting from her. Makes me wonder, if a person really wants to die, is not it selfish for them for asking the person to ""stay"" even though they know the person is has it so bad? If someone wants to go, cannot they just let them go?? Is it selfish for wanting to die?",Depression +18951,"Hi, I am 16 years old, and I will finish high school in a year. I never felt like leaving my family for some time would be a problem. But now, I am scared of not seeing my dad enough, I feel like I will never see him as much, that I will not have as much time to do things with him. I feel like I wasted my teen years at studying, working on what I want to do and not just have fun with him. It always makes me think about him getting old, or my family slowly dying and being alone. I do not have friends, they are the only ones that I love that much. I have nothing out there. It makes me cry everyday. I am afraid of going away from my family for my studies",Depression +18952,"I should preface this with I have been on a downhill for the past few months. A few days ago while at work I was writing on a paper and basically venting about my recent issues, I kind of zoned out while writing and when I reread it I realized I had wrote a suicide note. This definitely is not the first but it is the first in a long time. I am seeking mental help through therapists but the earliest they could get me in was mid August. I feel like my shift in attitude has pushed away all my friends and then because they are withdrawn from me I feel even worse and I do not want to talk to them about it because I do not want to put my burden on their shoulders. I have turned to drinking pretty much every day this past week to try and cope. I really want to make it to August but I do not know what else to do. How do I stop myself from catastrophizing and making myself think that everyone hates me? How do I stop my brain from creating all these scenarios that make me so sick and sad all the time? I feel like I have tried everything short of a 12 gauge. Need some advice",Suicidal +18953,"I want to end it but I am so afraid of what death entails, but I also hate the idea that I allow myself to exist for yet another day. Death",Depression +18954,"I cannot take this loneliness anymore. I need someone to fucking love me. To not use me, reject, ghost, ignore, block every goddamn thing. So many years of trying and I am still alone no matter what I fucking do. It does not even feel like I am looking for love anymore, it feels like I am looking for fucking somebody to just acknowledge my goddamn existence. I am literally screaming I am RIGHT HERE and nobody gives a fuck. Every single human being on this planet is just out for their own shit, their own money and sex and possessions and to be better than you no matter what. Fuck everyone, love is not real, just fuck off. I need someone to love me, or I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +18955,"I want to die, and as of late have pretty non chalauntly decided I want to end it. I am 30 and I am over it. I do not want to get old, I do not want to keep going down the turmoltuos road called late adulthood. Nothinf excites me, nothing is really enjoyable. I have to force myself to do things I used to love. The only thing to hold me is my disabled mother. I cannot make her bury her son, but damn when she is gone I feel like I am too. There is no one else in my life that can live without me. I had to vent this, maybe somone has felt similarly and can help. I would rather find some light again. Just havnt had it in a long time. Feel like I am tired of life",Depression +18956,"Having to attend school, get a part time job or internship, having to get an actual job, having a social life, and having to look good. Life is so much responsibility man",Suicidal +18957,Me being alive is waste of oxygen Only hate,Suicidal +18958,I do not want to go back to a psych ward were i come out even more damaged than before i just want everything to stop i just want everything to end I really do not know what to do anymore,Suicidal +18959,"But it takes me up to 3 hours sometimes to get out of bed. I do not know why. On days that I work, I get up at the last possible second. How can I make this easier? I feel like such trash wasting so long in bed. I used to think me struggling to get out of bed was because I did not sleep enough",Depression +18960,I felt safe and I actually felt something when I woke up next to her. And did not think about killing myself or going to sleep again when I woke up. The chance of actually getting into this relationship gave me something to look forward to and gave me hope. I know making someone the source of ones happiness is stupid and I feel stupid for allowing myself to feel like that but ever since. This idea of me and her got ripped apart I feel so horrible. I feel lost and trapped again. Just wanted to get this out. Mby someone can relate or give advice. Cheers. I lost what seemed to be the only possible good thing and everything is worse now,Depression +18961,"it is been 1.5 years since I came back from college and started living with my family. I feel like I am never good enough for anything, I am always fucking things up and messing everything. I feel like nobody cares and I just want to kill myself. it is been 2-3 days since I have seriously started considering this option but I am scared of killing myself. I know my mom and dad will be a mess if I go away, as well as my girlfriend but I feel like I will be doing everyone a favour in the long run. I imagine life would be simpler and easier for everyone else as well as for me. I will not have to worry about anything and my presence would be nowhere in this planet. I used to despise suicide and I felt like it was selfish but now I do not know where and what my thoughts are. not looking for advice, just want to vent out.",Suicidal +18962,I accidentally spent $150 of my dads money. let us just say I was berated and put down (as I always am). Its getting to the point where I try to spend every minute of my life where I am not working trying to sleep so I do not have to deal with everyone. I am so lonely. I have breakdowns daily,Suicidal +18963,Hi I am Ellie Diagnosed with Depression and GADFucked up in every way 24(F) if that helps I have told my family I am done I am done Its days were working on (idk why) The top mod post hits hard,Suicidal +18964,I just do not know whether there is any point in going on as it seems so helpless that Ill ever be in the mental head space that I want to be again. Just free from worry and getting on with my life just seems so unrealistic now. Will I ever be happy again,Depression +18965,it is not my fault. Quit saying that it is all my fault and talking down to me. Quit blaming people with mental issues for thier problems. It the world does not make things easier for people like us then there is going to be a war in the future because nuerotypical people want to make a system that is against being helpful towards us. it is not my fault,Suicidal +18966,"I hate life. I just feel empty all the time. Nothing is worth anything.I am miserableI cannot get up to do anything and even when I do, I still feel exhausted afterwardsNo one in my life understands me I only have enough energy to go on my phone and lie down.",Depression +18967,"My parents have noticed that my behavior has changed a lot, I have become more withdrawl from everyone, I have become more aggressive, self-consious, and my diet has changed, etc. They have brought it up with me many times and so has my teachers. A lot of people have even thought that I had anorexia and a few has thought I had dyslexia. it is been going on since late 2019. I personally think it has just been me growing up and I do not understand why everyone thinks there is something wrong with me. I am aware that I am the problem somehow, but I have no idea how to change for the better, I always get on everyone is nerves and I do not have anyone I can trust left. I truly believe that everything would be better if I just got put into foster care and got to move far away from here.&#x200B;Also apparently I have my behavior has gotten worse even tho I think it has gotten better. According to my mom I have become cruel and mean, but I do not think so.&#x200B;But now since everyone is so concerned about me why will not they do anything? Why will not they take me to a therapist or atleast recommend me going to one? I would definitely be open to it. I just want to tell my parents that it is OKAY to ask other people for help and not be so selfish. Everyone thinks there is something wrong with me.",Depression +18968,"I just feel like my life is going no where. I have burned all the bridges that can be burnt. I treated my mum awful to the point where she did not want me to contact her anymore because of my drug use, are relationship is better now, but now she is hospitalised with cancer. I do not have any friends, although I guess I do not really try. I have been with a couple girls but have never had a long term relationship. I feel like a P.O.S. Feeling low",Depression +18969,"I am sorry if this is too longI cannot anymore. Ever since this pandemic started I cannot do anything. I am an international student whose country's borders closed. So I was stuck in an apartment by myself because all my roommates moved out, which sent me kind of crazy. And places were always in lockdown so there was barely any social interaction. And since I am stuck in this country I had to pay rent and I do not know how to cook so the little money in did have was used up very quickly. I also was starving many times. I got addicted to weed (edibles multiple times a week at home by myself) to help cope when I used to be a twice a month smoker at best, only at social gatherings. I could never do my schoolwork because of the mental state I was in. And now even when borders are reopening and I am getting vaccinated to fly, it is too little too late because I am withdrawn from my program. And I was here only due to government scholarship contract so now that is a cost that me and my parents, who have barely any money to their name, will have to pay off.I seriously want to stop existing. I know people say ""your friends and family would be sad"" but I personally see no purpose in continuing. My life feels over and I do not want to suffer anymore through it I hate COVID-19",Suicidal +18970,to feel really weirdly almost always horny when I am really depressed? Is it normal,Depression +18971,"WARNING: This is an absolute mess because I was crying so hard the whole time I was typing this. Just for some background, My dad beats me and is a prideful piece of shit, and my mom has the IQ of hamster. My parents are not normal and super dysfunctional and are the sole reason I am like this. They were strict af and did not allow me to go outside at all. The first time I ever went out with my friends was when I was a senior in high school. They also did not allow me to join clubs or engage in any extracurricular activity. Even though they were strict, they had no expectations for me, I cry myself to sleep every night thinking that I have wasted my childhood doing and accomplishing nothing, and also thinking that I wished my parents pushed me more to be better and try new things. Because I never actually got to try anything in all my teen years, I do not know what I want to do, and I am studying a degree I do not really want. Consequently, I am just going to waste even more time, thinking of what I want to do because I never got to try anything when I was younger. I almost 20 years old and I have no idea what I am doing with my life.Whenever I got angry, my mother would poke and poke and poke, saying things like ""look at you being dramatic again"", ""oh look she is mad how sad"" (My mother does not speak English so it sounds a bit awkward when I translate this). My father does not even think I exist and when I say what is in my mind, or even show a little bit of discomfort on my face I will get hit. Even if they do allow me to do something, they will not even bother driving me anywhere, or get me something I need for school, so basically, I am still not allowed to do anything. When there is a problem, THEY NEVER SOLVE THE DAMN PROBLEM. They like to set aside and stack up the problems and let the problems stress them out even more in the future, and complain like a bunch of fucking idiots. Imagine living with these nutcases, and experiencing this every single day.We used to live in a foreign country, and we were pretty well-off when I was younger. My parents had all the opportunities to save money. Fast forward to the present, my dad cannot find a job and my mom has never worked a day in her life. Even right now, when literally all we eat is canned food, she refuses to find a job. You mean to tell me, that all those years, they did not save for retirement, college, and we do not even have a damn house. And they keep complaining about not having any money, when in actuality they have done absolutely zero saving to sustain the family. Now, we cannot pay for college tuition and they tell me that do not have any money saved, and they expect me to support them after I graduate, if I even do anyway. Most of my old high school friends live alone and even though my parents obviously do not fucking love me they REFUSE to let me move out even though I know in my gut it is going to benefit everyone if I did. (NOTE: In my country, parents pay for college, and things like student loans do not exist where I am from.) I would also like to get a job, but here where I am from, kids my age are absolutely not given a chance to work, and not getting a college degree is an absolutely positively big deal. I am so young and all I think about is money. I cannot depend on my parents, so I always think about what I should do next to save myself, and this so tiring. Salary rates here are also extremely low. How could they even think to have me support them when it is their responsibility in the first place to sustain themselves. I have talked to my mother but she does not understand a single word I am saying. When I get a job, I am running away and I am NOT giving them shit. They do nothing but expect to get everything.I am so mentally unstable I think of suicide in my every waking moment ever since I was young. Of course, nobody takes me seriously. I am so tired, I just want to end it all. I have no support, and the environment I grew up in and am currently in is very unhealthy. I think of killing myself everyday. I want to get revenge on my parents so bad. I am so angry at them for being so irresponsible and for treating me like a dog all my life. I want to live a happy life, I want to move out, I want to be loved, I need therapy. I am so sad and pitiful and exhausted. Why is it that I cannot be happy. Why cannot I be loved and respected. Why cannot I have normal responsible parents who actually try to take care of their children. On the verge of committing suicide, need advice",Suicidal +18972,I am so depressed of my financial problem and also I have breast cyst help,Depression +18973,"So I used to have a best friend. We were best friend from chilhood. As we grow old he was trying to avoid me and started to hangout with a cooler dude than me. I hate that dude bcoz hes fcking self-centered. So I was not in contact with the friend for a long time but whenever he texts me I feel joyful and also feel hatred. Its like he texted me as he mocked me by treating like I am Dead. I always see him and those cool assholes hang around, believe me they are fcking douchbags but him. So now I have no friend.I am trying to change myself by not paying attention to him but I guess I am restrained with past memories. I do not know what to do about this friendship matter.",Depression +18974,\-do not know how to socialize\-do not have almost any friend irl\-no talents\-no job\-no interest\-no confidence\-ugly\-short\-not intelligent\-not kind\-still live wiht my parents\-too lazy to practice self-care\-too anxious how to do even basic things like buying stuff\-not even able to do therapy properlyZero qualities. i think there is literally nothing good about me.,Depression +18975,"this world is so full of misunderstanding and racism and ignorance and misdirected anger and stereotyping and generalistions. I am chinese and idk the amt of hate towards my race makes me rly uncomfortable and nauseous bc i feel comfortable speaking my language and learning abt my culture but bc I am in a southeast asian country, ppl expect me to ditch my culture entirely otherwise I am a foreigner even though my fam has been here 5 generations?!?!unrelated but also v related, i feel like i hv no home and no place to call my family, I am not from china but I am chinese I am from a se asian country but not se asian. idk who i am and being able to read english and seeing all these generalisations abt my race is so painful. it makes me want to unalive and jump out the nearest window. i like talking abt my culture and history and shizzle but my se asian maid detests it?? and hates me?? I am rly lost and hv no identity, I am scared to travel bc racism, I am shit at my mother tongue but i love it still, english is my first language but I am not european which js confuses me more bc what the fuck am i and how do i fit into this world of ethno politics. thrs so much hate and pain and anger and its all directed towards ppl like me who hv done nth wrong. why live in such a hateful world. bro idk this world is so overwhelming and i cannot fix it",Suicidal +18976,I need help being grateful and content again. I have been depressed most of my life but I am at a breaking point. I am worried my child will be mentally disabled or mentally ill and its all my fault. I wish he had a better chance in life. I prayed for a baby and now I say why did god let this happen if the baby will only suffer?I feel like I am living in hell. This might be the most mentally disturbed I have ever been. I have never suffered like this.Please tell me there is a reason to go on. Pregnant and suicidal,Depression +18977,"I literally do not know what to do. I stg I have no fucking idea. Nothing works, nothing is ever right. And it is like ""you are going to grow"", ""you are going to get experience"" and who tf decides that. Why do I get experience and others get to enjoy their youth and life in general. What am I supposed to do with experience? Shove it up my ass, that is what. Why I cuss out god",Suicidal +18978,"Hey guys, first time posting on here but I feel it is best to get my thoughts out and maybe have some insight from others as I keep a lot of my thoughts inside in person and tend not to share anything with anyone.I first asked the question 'what is the point in life' when I was around 11 to my Mum, she did not give me much of an answer and I cannot even remember what she had said so it could not have been much. When I asked that question it was not me feeling suicidal but just being generally interested but I can remember it very well being the first time I felt truly sad and extremely depressed and almost scared, the world completely changed. After a while, I forgot about it completely until I was 16 which is when my Mum & Dad sadly passed away shortly after one another, not related deaths and both were unexpected which made it more shocking. A few months after my Dad passed I was contemplating suicide, not because I was sad about them passing, I felt I got over it fairly quickly which may sound odd but instead because I could not quite wrap my head around the point of life.I came to the conclusion after endlessly looking into philosophy and general interest in the subject that life is inherently meaningless and in the end we will all die and eventually be forgotten which in itself is bleak and sad. There is of course the argument of there is absolutely no way of knowing the meaning of life, I agree I do not know but I feel at my core that it is completely well and truly meaningless and once we die, it is done, simply done and we will not even know it is over because there will be nothing.This brings me to now, I go through periods of feeling better and then go through really dark, horrible periods such as the one I am having now where I constantly think of ending my life, hurting myself and feeling extremely sad and angry at the fact, at least my fact that life is worthless which kills all joy, all motivation in my life for periods that can be months upon months and what makes me even more mad is that there are others that may not even think anything about life and are so much more happier and enjoying life more than me. I of course am not wanting everyone to suffer, but it just upsets me further that I cannot seem to make myself think that way and simply relax and accept that fact and get on with it I guess.I am truly considering ending my life now as I cannot seem to be happy, I do drag my family down as well as my girlfriend down, she has said to me if I cannot change we will need to end our relationship as she does not want to be sad forever which is obvious and I do not blame her.I am not sure what to do anymore, the constant existential thoughts are very intrusive and it is not as simple as just 'stop thinking about it' as I know that is what most people will do, they simply do not think about life being meaningless and get on with their day but I CANNOT do that. I am thinking it may be best to speak to a therapist of some sort as there may be a problem with me deeper down?Thanks if you have read this, I know it was a lengthy one. Existential crisis leasing to suicidal ideation",Suicidal +18979,Title that is it I just want 3 weeks where I do not talk to or see or interact with anyone beyond an incidental level,Suicidal +18980,"First off I want to say that having lurked on this subreddit for a while, I almost feel invalid posting here because so many people are clearly more suffering far more intensely and severely than I am. So if anyone feels that I am taking space from others who need it more - I am sorry. 24M - I go through cycles, weeks or months at a time, where I just have no motivation to do anything. I am fairly high-functioning - I have a job that I like, good friends/family and a stable relationship. I just do not feel that happy. I feel like I am kind of just existing, doing what I have to, and life is just going on. I do the bare minimum at work and constantly feel guilty about it. I have found that more and more I would rather spend my free time playing video games or mindlessly watching sports/browsing the internet. I do not feel very interested in many things any more, which is definitely a change from a few years ago, and I do not feel like I can apply all that much focus to anything. I am a pretty regular cannabis user, though never during work and rarely around my gf. I have wondered if that is something that I should stop too. Long story short, I have been feeling lazy, unmotivated, and generally unhappy for a while now, which I also feel guilty for because, all things considered, I have a very comfortable life. Should I talk to a therapist? I just need to snap out of this funk, it feels suffocating. depressed.. I think? Seeking advice",Depression +18981,"Tw/mention of suicide, mention of self harmI'm going through intense feelings these last weeks, because I am depressed, never really injured myself or tried to do something worse, but the feelings, the thoughts and the sensory overload were raging in my head.I am still searching for a good med to help me but yesterday, my brain just stopped saying those things. Just, completely silent. No more killing myself thoughts, no more harming myself....I am in shock. Today I am okay too! I has happened before, and it was more frequent that I was in a ok mood and knew I was getting better for the moment.But I am SO afraid that those things go back to happening, I do not want to tire myself out with work, I do not want to play games/watch series and get sad (or any feelings tbh)... I want to enjoy the peace and quiet and at the same time I want to go back to normal, and work on the stuff I like, finish some games, talk with friends...Because it is getting kind of rare these moments my brain just do not go full die mode, I am so afraid to not just enjoy the moment or to do something productive. My body is tired but I really do not want to keep myself in bed anymore. I am sleepy too bc family is noisy and could only get like 5h of sleep.I want to do activities, but I am not sure if I should. What do you think? I have left the pit and I am afraid",Depression +18982,i feel exhaaaaaauuuuuusssteeeeeeeeeeeeeeed and empty this actually sucks i do not hav the energy to type a paragraph,Suicidal +18983,"As the title says, I did something really fucked up. I was part of a friend group. 4 of us all together. We had great chemistry. And I fucked it up. I got mad at one person and chose to rant about them on another site that we both use. They found out, blocked me, and called me a ""suicide baiter"". Which, they are right. I am. All I do is talk about suicide. Regardless they all made it clear they now want nothing to do with me. I have made apologies and took responsibility. That is all I could have done. I unfortunately do not have any desire to die. I have tried bridge jumping, cannot bring myself to do it. I do not have strong enough pills to overdose. I could maybe jump in front of some train tracks but that is also risky. I do not know of any method. I am sure they would partly be satisfied seeing me suffer. So far I starved myself so much my stomach shrank. So dying slowly is not an option. I just, want this guilt, to stop. I cannot ""forgive"" myself. Nor can I ""love"" myself. How the hell can someone like me be worth any of that. So, I guess my only option is to suffer the greatest sin. That is, carrying around this pain/guilt on my shoulders and have it fuck up my life until I die of old age. I'n 23 so there will be many, many year of suffering. And I deserve every last drop of it. I cannot live with the guilt of losing 3 friends all because of my shitty actions. I am suicidal this morning...",Suicidal +18984,"Drawing is the only thing I have. it is the only thing that makes me feel ok sometimes, and I occasionally take commissions because it makes me happy to be able to draw for other people, but my mom wants me to turn it into an actual business, a full time thing, and I keep telling her that I do not want to, because I do not want to grow to hate my hobby, I do not want to grow to hate the one thing that makes me happy, and I know I will if I am forced everyday to do commissions, and she just does not understand that, and she always tells me that I am being stupid and that I always think I am right, and it fucking breaks me down so much, I was just coming out of a depressive episode, and now she is just fucking pulling me right back into one, and I do not know what to do....One of the reasons I am taking some commissions as well is so I can get out of this house even for just a weekI just want to feel ok again I need to rant...",Depression +18985,Does anyone else feel like they cannot kill themselves out of fear of doing serious damage to other people? I want to kill myself,Suicidal +18986,"I am drunk again but I do not want to get drunk again. It makes my anxiety go away but I am so sad. I have nobody. I am so alone. I am laying here and I am so sad and I am alone. I wish I had someone to comfort me but I do not. I am just suffering alone. My family ignores me and I have no friends. I had friends once but after I was raped I got scared of having friends and I push people away. So, now I have nobody. I feel like I am just prolonging my life because I am scared to actually end it all. I do not know exactly how to kill myself. I mean, I will do it with pills but there is other things to consider. Do I give my stuff away? Do I kill my self in the park so people find me quickly? Idk. I am tired. I have never recovered from the rape. And he never went to jail. So, I went through the court case for nothing. It was so hard. I did it alone in a foreign country. I am still in Spain and I am so alone. I have a therapist but she can only help me so much. Idk what I am saying. Idk what I am asking. I am just venting. I am so sad",Suicidal +18987,"I have been struggling with depression since my mid/late teens. I am in college now; and I thought Id be better once I moved away from my family( toxic). However I think I might have actually gotten worse. All the stress for deadlines, rent, if I have enough money for food, if I can afford medicine for my cold, it just keeps building up. I am not sure if I want to handle the stress of being an adult. I cannot help but imagine running away and disappearing from the world. Devolving into my self and then into the water and ceasing to exist. It sounds so much easier than life. I took on a computer science degree durring the pandemic. I wanted to learn a new profitable skill so I could eventually support myself with a secure and I demand job. However online college, its not how my brain learns. From distanced learning; I cannot process and if the information, and if I took the time to relearn every lesson from a tutor ( I learn best being taught in person) then I would not have the time to earn money and study, or the means to eat a proper meal. And if I finished my freshman year of college not retaining any information; I feel like I am screwed for the next year. If I have spent so much money and time just to show no improvement; why am I even here. I want to drop out if college. But then Id have to work a minimum wage or lower job and try to support myself and still deal with the stress of being an adult. When ever my depression gets very bad I start seeing things out of the corner of my eye. Normally its ropes and Nuces hanging from trees or light posts . If it continues then I start to see peoples dead body hanging from them. Just out of the corner of my eye, then Ill turn to look. And there is nothing there.I do not think I even check if its real anymore. Its just become the shadow of people in the corner of my eye , swinging slightly with the wind. Suicide; disappearing forever. It does not seem like a bad choice; when compared to struggling to eat and have a place to live, and seeing dead people out of the corner of my eye. Its not the ideal choice; but there is no shame in quitting. Its numb and easy",Suicidal +18988,"For a long time now since high school I felt this way, I never was good at anything. I am 25 now I went to college for two years for a job I now hate, I make no money doing it I still live with my mom I have no freedom, I cannot move out due to lack of funds, went to school for another 2 years and cannot find a job in that field and I am still working this crappy job, my motivation for working here is dead I show up late all the time because I just want to stay in bed everyone I know quit here and moved on to different careers but Iam the only one who cannot get out.All my friends lives are getting better and I have been in the same place for 6 years I am tired of doing this. My health is tanking I am getting tension headaches, my liver is fatty, and I am having pain in my back and other parts that I should not be having. I am just so overwhelmed by it all I am useless and I feel like I am out of options. suicide has never actually looked so good before i never thought about till these past few months if that makes any sense I do not want to die I just do not want to live everyday is just a dragging experience Everyday I wake up and I literally stare into the mirror and just question my existence. I know its long and it comes off ranty I just do not know what to do anymore or even how to do it I feel like a loser",Suicidal +18989,"After months of fighting it alone, I finally face-timed a friend and confessed. I guess this makes all of you 2nd. So, here we are. I just confessed my suicidal thoughts to someone for the first time",Suicidal +18990,Help me get started please. Need some motivation,Suicidal +18991,"I am just curious how different the feeling is for everyone. For me I could best describe it as a heavy black cloud. No matter what you do your stuck in this cloud. It makes hanging out with friends, and being all alone in your bed feel the same. It makes the world look black. Your thoughts are all negative. You instinctively hate yourself, because you do not do anything. Because you cannot do anything. Because doing something feels the same as doing nothing. It makes everything horribly repetitive. Because the feeling is stronger than any one thing you experience in your day. No matter what you do in your day, the depression will always stand out amongst everything else. Your numb to everything. It makes getting out of bed difficult. It makes thinking difficult. It makes existing difficult.How does it feel for everyone else? I feel anyone who does not have it, really cannot understand it. Because it is not just feeling low. People do not take their own life because of feeling ""low"". Idk I just wish people could understand the feeling. I am honestly convinced if everyone could feel it, just for one day, all the stigma around it would be completely gone. What Does It Feel Like?",Depression +18992,"We had a night out in town and I told her how much I like her and asked if she still felt anything towards me. ""That ship has sailed."" she said.I will not even be able to look at her after this. I have a class with her tomorrow and we are supposed to go to a show the day after. Fuck. Forget both of those.There goes the closest friend I have ever had. I know all my other friends through her, so I can write them off too. Two years down the drain. I will have nobody left.Why would I ever fall in love? I know I am unlovable. This'll be the first and last time I ever do. I should have left things the way they were. Let it continue eating me up inside. Anything is better than this.And I would been doing so well, too. Finally got on top of my mental health for the beginning of a new college semester after the previous one being a travesty. Shame.Here come the destructive thoughts. Here we go again. I am done for. My best friend turned me down",Depression +18993,"I have needed a break but now I just do not want to live anymore.1) I have an incurable genetic blood clotting disorder that is led to so much medication and a pulmonary embolism.2) I grew up in a cult and have CPTSD largely from that.3) The mightmares are incessant and make me hate waking up to the worst nightmare.4) My trauma led me to losing my bean because I was verbally abusive and I hate it so much5) I was molested as a child, flashed at 15, and sexually manipulated by a 40 year old at 17. 6) I find the most debased men and give them my body to feel a glimmer of self worth.7) I am shunned by my two older siblings whom I was close to because of the cult..8) I have man boobs that are sore and keep growing9) I am in so much debtSo long Reddit I am moving 700km away to kill myself tomorrow",Suicidal +18994,"(WARNING: If you are not familiar with the topic, and prone to depression and/or anxiety, please be careful as this topic is a potential trigger.)I have listened to a podcast about determinism and free will half a year ago, and this triggered a severe episode of depression and anxiety for me. (I got treatment for it, but it has not disappeared yet.)I wonder if there is anyone who went through an episode of depression and/or anxiety related to this philosophical topic and recovered? Are there any ""survivors""? Determinism, anxiety and depression: anyone who went through (and recovered from) it?",Depression +18995,ill most likely use pills and most drug poisoning attemps fail. i do not know what to do i still do not know how to do it,Suicidal +18996,"TLDR: I cannot stop obsessing and thinking about the pain of my breakup and I am getting ready to die so I do not have to feel these emotions anymoreMy girlfriend who I loved and cared for deeply broke up with me. She was my only support structure as I have no friends whatsoever and a very unsupportive and non understanding family. She talked with me semi frequently for about a month after the breakup but I could tell it was purely out of pity. She started dating someone new very quickly afterwards after swearing she would not which only amplified the feelings of pain abandonment and not being good enough. She blocked me last night after I pissed her off because every time we talked I could not stop talking about the breakup, trying to see what happened and get her to tell me how she felt and what went wrong.At this point I am ready to die. I cannot calm myself down or feel any better. Talking to strangers on reddit helps a little but nothing is replacing her for me. I miss my constant companion and friend. I miss voice chats and gaming together and I know it is not all my fault, but I feel it is all my fault. I am heavily considering to kill myself to get her out of my head and stop feeling all these feelings of pain. they are too intense for me to handle. Feel like killing myself to stop the intrusive thoughts.",Suicidal +18997,I got to a point where I constantly try to escape reality. But nothing ever helps...I always find myself at square one...always feel the same claustrophobic feeling that there is no escape and that I will not be truly happy ever again.I always thought death as the last option...but I do not feel like I have many more options left.I do not know how long can I keep going. I hate it here.,Suicidal +18998,"I am trying so hard to distance myself from my friend do to my strong feelings for him. It is hard. I feel so horrible about myself right now. He says whenever I want to hang with it just let him know. I just want to tell him I really wish I could. Instead I am typing it here. Hopefully that will keep me from saying anything, but I doubt it. Why am I just never good enough. I am pathetic",Depression +18999,"do not judge me, please. I ended up acting on impulse. I was connected to the internet and took some pictures and recorded a video (the worst) of myself naked and doing embarrassing things. I am so scared and sad. Should I worry, or is it just paranoia? I took pictures and recorded compromising videos (myself naked), but I did not send it to anyone, I did not save it to the cloud or post it. But even so, I am afraid that somehow my nudes will leak. You can tell it is me.",Suicidal +19000,"People come and go constantly, and who might have been a close, best friend for several weeks or months just suddenly do not reach out or say anything to you anymore. You get ghosted. People use you up and just move on from you when they feel that they are done with you or got what they want from you. And then we get told that we must constantly be out and about, doing things all the time every single day and meet new people and make new friends, and the cycle just continues over and over. Some people do not want to be friends with you, some flake out from the beginning, others stick around but for only a little bit, couple of years at best. what is the point? we are naturally social creatures and even the most solitary of people crave interaction, but what does it really give us in the end? Sure, a fun memory or two at most, but is that it? All these movies, songs, anime etc preach about the value of friendship and about friends that stick with you no matter what, congrats, those people either do not exist or they are rare to find. Especially now with the dawn of smartphones, streaming etc, nobody wants to commit anymore, nobody wants friends anymore. They all just want followers and clout At this rate, I am just going to die alone, bitter and angry at the world Why do people continue to insist so much on the value of friendships?",Depression +19001,"I do not know about you all, but I feel like absolute fucking garbage. Opening my eyelids today was like fighting a tidal wave with one arm tied behind my back, getting up off the couch was like climbing mount everest with one lung. I truly just want to lay down in the dirt and let time bury me slowly and peacefully, like a rock being buried by erosion over 100 lifetimes.What I do know is that when I feel this way, when I feel the universe weighing down on me and dragging its weight behind my feet in the shackles of my own soul is that there is only one way to get the love back: we must give it away.People like us have such a hard time seeing the cup half full, being grateful for what is present instead of grieving what is not. We have such an innately hard time absorbing love from the world around us, and that in turn causes us to be handicapped in redistributing that love with the world.That does not mean we are truly weak tho. In anything that means WE ARE STRONG. YOU WOKE UP TODAY. you are READING THIS. YOU ARE FIGHTING THIS PROBLEM TODAY BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER COULD, YOU ARE THE MOST YOU THAT YOU CAN BE, AND THAT IS A BLESSING. It means we are DESTINED. To be beacons of light emerging from our darkness and our hardships. We are meant to show others that no matter what, no matter how hard you feel, no matter how much blood you have bleed or tears you have cried, you can still get up and live and love this life that we have been given. Each breath is truly a gift as much as it is a burden, even when our clouds are dark GIVE THANKS that we have the time to hunt for a place where the sky is blue. You woke up today, and I thank fucking God that you did. I love you.The only way to feel the love on days like this, where I just want to fucking die, is to give the love away. I have learned a few weird things in this ridiculous experience I have had on this fucked up rock hurtling through the cosmos, but the most true of them is that for all the things that are good, that bring joy and happiness, that cure ailments and carry fortune of the the soul, IN ORDER TO KEEP THESE THINGS THAT SAVE US FROM THE WORST OF THE WORLD AND FROM OURSELVES, WE MUST GIVE THEM AWAY.This means even in times of hardship, when our mental bank account is in the negative, the only way to keep the money flowing is to spare some change. I know this sounds ridiculous and crazy and pointless, because it is a cold cold world. Trust me, more than most people, I know. But trust me when I say that love, the only cure to this ailment of ours, is the only currency that pays you back as you spend it. We are not bottomless pits, we are bottomless pots of gold that are waiting to be spent.And for that reasonOn this day todayWhere I feel like fuckin garbagioI want to say to each and every one of youI LOVE YOUIM SO GLAD YOU ARE HEREALLAH MUBARAK LAHGOD BLESS YOU ALLIT IS A GOOD DAY TO BE HERE WITH YOUpass it on, my dudes. Only way to get better Bless",Depression +19002,"Today I am done. I really am done. I will be honest, I am a teenager, I probably have it easier than a lot of you here. Maybe I will not be forever alone. But I need to rant, I need to get it out or it really is going to kill me. I am 16 right now, yeah pretty young I guess. Back when I was 14, I dated this one girl, puppy dog love, but it was fun while it lasted. Then I hooked up with another when I was 15, that is the extent of my experience.I have friends, they are a good bunch to be honest, but I feel alienated from them. All of them have had a 'glow up'?. What I am trying to say is that all of them have got something good going in life. Some are hooking up, some are dating, you get the idea. But I am static, I do not feel anything has changed for me. I am still the same height, arguably the same face and I feel like a fucking loser. I am average at academics, a little bit athletic; I train karate and boxing.Well today I met my friends. All of them, our friend group involves my ex-girlfriend if you can call her that. Well they all sort of broke of into groups, taking pictures, videos and whatnot. I was the only one left out. Me and my friend had planned to drop off my ex-girlfriend back to her house. What I am going to say next sounds fucking hilarious; but I thought maybe there is a chance for something there. Well that went away as soon as she told some of my other friends that she is not really comfortable with me coming along. I have some self respect of course, did not push after that.I feel like this is the final straw. I have done everything, I workout; I am in pretty good shape and my body reflects that. I speak confidently enough, I wear good quality perfume. I have a good dressing sense. that is what people have told me at least. But it is not enough, I have not gotten anything after my two earlier experiences. I had quit smoking a year ago. I started again, I have had a run-in with drugs, and alcohol. have not let it mess up my life. Completely quit drugs and I drink once a month.Well I smoked again today, I am thinking of drinking again. Might dabble with some safer drugs. I cannot do this shit anymore. Oh I suppose I am a porn addict as well. I have tried to quit a bunch of times. But I always relapse harder. A lot of this may be my own fault, maybe I did something wrong. But it just feels as I have been assigned a certain role in life. A role of rough highs and lows, except there are no highs. My friends cannot really help me, they would not understand. These are supposed to be my ""fun"" years but they are not, I just want to die peacefully at times. I guess whatever I may do, I cannot beat genetics. Maybe my face puts people off, my lips are slightly larger than normal I guess. Probably my insecurity speaking.However, whatever I do and I think I have done everything, I cannot seem to climb the wall. I cannot seem to beat the system. I always feared being nothing in life, but now that I come to think of it. That may be my destiny. I think I will just slowly start destroying myself, I might get cancer or something but I will have some amount of fun while doing it. But that is about it, I want today to mark the day I give up. They say hard times make strong people, I am not one of them and so I suppose it is natural that I will be cut out of the gene pool. I just wanted to share this with you guys, I am still young but this feels like the end. I will end with something I have learnt from experience; you can always fall further, and the pain numbs you at a certain point.I hope some of you make it out, I know I will not. Also probably should add, depression sort of runs in my family, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +19003,"Not trynna get deep on here, just need answers. Therapy. Does it help?",Depression +19004,"I have been working my first 40 hours a week job for a year now and it is ruining my life. Even though I get 7.5-8.5 hours sleep a night, I come home exhausted every day, with no energy to do more than browse the internet or watch tv. When I was a student I would religiously go to gym three times a week. I have tried going three times while working, but some days I am just so tired I cannot make it. I am lucky if I go twice. I am getting fat and gross and I do not like how I look. I have no energy to do chores so my place gets messy all week and I spend a day on the weekend just cleaning and doing errands, and often all my chores still do not get done. I have no energy for socializing during the week, so my last free day is spent with my girlfriend who complains that she never sees me anymore. I do not have time for other friends or family. I miss having time to do art, truly relax, or even just walk around and observe the world. Now I feel like I am constantly rushing around with little energy to devote to life outside work. My diet is getting worse, too. On a good day I manage to make myself a tuna sandwich, but most of the time I am just eating yogurt and crackers for dinner since it basically takes no effort. I am finding I am relying more on fast food.Please do not tell me 40 hours is nothing and I am lucky I am not working 60 hour work week. The fact that I am on the lower end of what some jobs expect causes me an immense amount of dread if my job starts expecting more of me. Some of my coworkers do 10 hour days, what if my I am not as productive as them? To be honest, I rarely make 40 hours as I usually leave 15 minutes early and Fridays often an hour early. Working full time is ruining my life",Depression +19005,If this will be deleted ill understand. I am trying my last resort to survive this pandemic. I am sorry if this will be a bother. been at my lowest now. Amd no one wanted to help. Fund for food,Depression +19006,struggling with panic attacks and suicidal thoughts need someone to talk to about my situation Please help?,Suicidal +19007,"I have been working my first 40 hours a week job for a year now and it is ruining my life. Even though I get 7.5-8.5 hours sleep a night, I come home exhausted every day, with no energy to do more than browse the internet or watch tv. When I was a student I would religiously go to gym three times a week. I have tried going three times while working, but some days I am just so tired I cannot make it. I am lucky if I go twice. I am getting fat and gross and I do not like how I look. I have no energy to do chores so my place gets messy all week and I spend a day on the weekend just cleaning and doing errands, and often all my chores still do not get done. I have no energy for socializing during the week, so my last free day is spent with my girlfriend who complains that she never sees me anymore. I do not have time for other friends or family. I miss having time to do art, truly relax, or even just walk around and observe the world. Now I feel like I am constantly rushing around with little energy to devote to life outside work. My diet is getting worse, too. On a good day I manage to make myself a tuna sandwich, but most of the time I am just eating yogurt and crackers for dinner since it basically takes no effort. I am finding I am relying more on fast food. Please do not tell me 40 hours is nothing and I am lucky I am not working 60 hour work week. The fact that I am on the lower end of what some jobs expect causes me an immense amount of dread if my job starts expecting more of me. To be honest, I rarely make 40 hours as I usually leave 15 minutes early and Fridays often an hour early. Working 40 hrs a week is ruining my life",Suicidal +19008,"This week, I do not give any attention to anything recently. I have been quiet most of the time reading. I deactivated my social media again and working out consistently. Here is the thing, every god damn night, I feel like empty as a she will with its owner. I cannot explain the feeling pretty well but it is like time is passing by me. Maybe, its just sad to be alone. Like no one to care how you feel, but when I know that their day is a little bit off, I tend to ask them if is there anything I can help them with. To fully understand their grief. I do not want to get back to my depressive state again, where I tried to shot myself. I know I am getting better but why do it feels like I am an empty room without its furniture and its accessories. Am I doing good?",Depression +19009,"And apparently pills do not or will not kill you. I am afraid to use a gun because what if I fail?What do I do? I do not need to live. Just because two people procreated does not mean I have to suffer and live because of it. Especially when this life is shit and painful. I am just thinking right now, no plans in place. I am too much of a pussy to care it out (I am a female lol and can use that word). I have been reading a lot on suicide....",Suicidal +19010,"In March after a year of rejections, I finally got my dream job and I was happier than ever. Everything was going well but then I lost a few members of my family and took a week off as a result. My job acted supportive at the time so I did not think this would affect anything. Less than two weeks ago I moved to the city where the job is based, cementing this new stage in my life.And today I went into the office just to discover that they are not passing my probation and are terminating my employment immediately.This came as such a shock to me as there had been no mention of my performance in the past outside of when I was struggling because of bereavement. So it seems like they have this front that they are supportive of people with mental health issues but in reality they do not want to deal with people who have them.I am so broken and I do not know what to do. I worked so hard to get this job after the pandemic ruined my life and I cannot even get this right? My mental health always finds a way to fuck up every good thing in my life and now I am 25 and alone in a new city with no job.All the healing I have done over the last couple of months bc of my bereavement has just disappeared and I am back at square one. I feel like my life will never be good and Id rather be dead. I cannot take this anymore bc I am a disgusting failure. I lost my dream job after working so hard for it and I do not want to live anymore",Suicidal +19011,I do not really want to kill myself but i aldo would not really do anything to prevent my death. If I died tommorow i would not really care.I have been alive for 20 years and there was not a single day in those 20 years where I have had a reason to wake up. Sure there are things that I enjoy in this world but all of them feel more like things to keep myself busy while I am here.It just does not seem worth it.I have been slowly creeping towards killing myself over the course of covid and i do not know how much longer i can keep going. it is been 20 years and I am tired. I never wanted to be alive,Suicidal +19012,How do I deal with other people's success and life. I cannot seem to be happy about anything anymore. Especially when its involving someone else. But I also cannot seem to be comfortable with my own self Especially when I am alone. [Chat],Depression +19013,"Idk, it feels like I have been living through the same kind of day for the last year. I feel broken, I have no motivation to take care of myself, to do any basic chore or even try to do college assignments.Even still, the assignments of the last year have pilled up and fell on my head at once. I do not enjoy a single of my hobbies left, I have to force myself to actually play games again, or read. I used to love this shit and would spend unhealthy amounts of hours enjoying myself... How tf did I break so fkn hard.I have lost touch with most friends I used to care about, I cannot stand the sight of my family anymore even if I used to love them so much. I just do not see a way, a reason to keep going on. Do I have to keep on for 40+ years just so I do not make the people around me sad?Would anyone feel sad? I feel like if I disappeared most people I know would feel indifferent...The for reading if you made it this far, I do not really expect a response or advice, I would love some if available, but the main point of this post was to clear my head a bit. Have a sweet day :) 21 and have no desire left to keep on living",Depression +19014,"I was doing so well for so long. I was on top of the world for months, even shitty things were not getting me down like they used to (spiralling). Everything for the first time in a while was working out for me; had my life back on track, felt normal for a while. Ran out of money for my meds so I had to stop taking them. Obviously big mistake but even then felt fine for a month or so. Now shit started to fall apart; the constant anxiety came back, lost a job I was really trying my hardest in and the boss who fired me just confirmed everything I have my depression and anxiety has been telling me for years. Now I am back to feeling like no matter how hard I ever fucking try I am never going to be good enough. Always going to be a freak, I try so hard to fit in and I just cannot. I have tried being myself and then I say weird shit. I try mirroring their personality and then myself slips through and they think I am freak again I just know it. People ignore me when I speak, I am the only one ever trying to arrange things to see my friends. I just cannot ever do things right and I am so so tired of constantly getting myself through the day pushing it all to the back of my mind and then I am alone at night and alls I want to do is just cry and hurt myself. And it makes me feel so weak because a normal person would be over a bad firing by now. A normal person would not have to try so hard to be liked. And I have no one to tell bcus everytime I do I regret it an hour later and they care for a day and then they of course have to get back to their lives bcus I am a grown ass adult and should know how to do these things on my own. Even the benzos do not help with the attacks anymore. I am just so tired.Where do I go from here? Was doing so well for so long",Depression +19015,"And it did not even feel genuine. I want to cry, like, really bad. I just want to cry. I want to be able to express myself, but there is no one else to express myself to. So lonely.I started working out recently, and have been trying to find motivation through doing so. I get through everything but at the end I just feel a wave of dissatisfaction. Why? Like, cannot I just feel something other than disappointment and self-hatred for once. I think this passing few months my mental health has taken a nosedive. I have thought about ways to kill myself and I have planned out scenarios in my mind in intricate details I never thought I would be able to. I am too scared to go through with any of them because I do not want to make my parents sad, but if I died right here right now of some freak accident out of my control I am down for it. Yeah, last time I cried I remember it was not even tears rolling down the eyes. It was not genuine. It was more sympathy than anything. This sucks, I think I can change sometimes but I never do. Nothing has changed for the better these past 3 years. The only time I cried was 4 years ago",Depression +19016,"I need people to help me get out of this mind. But I do not want to drag people down with me. Maybe I am just sabotaging myself and deep down I do not want to get better. If that is the case, than how can I ever get better. I just do not know how to go on anymore, or if I even want to. I cannot do this alone",Depression +19017,"I do not know if this is a depression thing or not, but pretty much my heart can run up to 90bpm but I can still fall asleep with so much ease. Sometimes I cannot even stay awake even though my heart will be like that. Anyone else experience this? it is been this way for me for many years. I can drink a lot of caffeine and still fall asleep if I want to. it is easier to prompt myself to stay awake with caffeine consumption, but if I want to sleep, it is no problem. TLDR: Anyone get a fast heartbeat yet still sleepy as hell? Racing heart but still sleepy as fuck",Depression +19018,"What? Why? How? Who? When? Whenever anything negative happens my brain autopilots to these thoughts. I just cannot breathe.I am sinking. And nobody wants me to leave.But they do not know how much it aches. Give me a frogging reason why life is worth living, please. I am tired of 9 years of passive suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +19019,"In March after a year of rejections, I finally got my dream job and I was happier than ever. Everything was going well but then I lost a few members of my family and took a week off as a result. My job acted supportive at the time so I did not think this would affect anything. Less than two weeks ago I moved to the city where the job is based, cementing this new stage in my life.And today I went into the office just to discover that they are not passing my probation and are terminating my employment immediately.This came as such a shock to me as there had been no mention of my performance in the past outside of when I was struggling because of bereavement. So it seems like they have this front that they are supportive of people with mental health issues but in reality they do not want to deal with people who have them.I am so broken and I do not know what to do. I worked so hard to get this job after the pandemic ruined my life and I cannot even get this right? My mental health always finds a way to fuck up every good thing in my life and now I am alone in a new city with no job.All the healing I have done over the last couple of months bc of my bereavement has just disappeared and I am back at square one. I feel like my life will never be good and Id rather be dead. I cannot take this anymore bc I am a disgusting failure. I lost my dream job after working so hard for it and I want to die",Depression +19020,"are you a highly motivated self starter? .... no not at all, in any way...everi know you are supposed to just lie and no one is really like that but reading this kind of stuff over and over is so depressing. having to think about starting a new job and trying hard and meeting new people and getting interviewed and rejected. I am so tired and i have not even applied anywhere job hunting is so difficult",Depression +19021,"everyone who says it gets better, just keep trying or please stay, killing urself will only make things bad for the people around you makes me feel like I am forced to stay in this world, which makes everything even worse. why cannot you just let me go? i feel like I am forced to stay",Depression +19022,I want to make sure that I am going to die so a gun is the best option I think. I live in germany so it is really hard to get a gun here. I am very interested in mil stuff and shit so maybe I find happiness and some good friends there. otherwise it is suicide time :) my plan is to join the military and get shot by enemies or just do it with a rifle or pistol,Suicidal +19023,I am terrified about the future and this discrimination case Life,Suicidal +19024,"I am sad once again for another time. I am broken, hearing voices, and exhausted but yet...Why cannot I sleep? Why cannot I enjoy things that I used to like?Why cannot I eat?The answer I do not know. (I do not care I just do not care Really I do not).(I am BROKEN) that is it. Once Again, Depressed Me.",Depression +19025,i feel like I have become so sensitive after all the shit in my life that every little thing immediately gives me suicidal thoughts and throws me into a depressed episode every little thing makes me want to kill myself,Depression +19026,I went to college and got a degree but I cannot land a job anywhere no matter how hard I try. I feel like a failure I just want to end it all because I do not see a point anymore. Even if I get a job then what? I feel like a failure,Depression +19027,Until you actually show signs of being suicidal.Every day is worse than the last. I look forward to nothing. I am burnt out on taking care of our daughter. I wish my partner let me off myself back in December. is not it funny how people say they care,Suicidal +19028,"I cannot stand existing, I have always had problems with depression since I was young but now my mental state is very bad & I just do not want to be a bother to anyone, I have no motivation, no goals, no anything. My family loves me very much & I am currently living with my bf (wich I love very much and all of my pets) but I feel horrible every day, I hate waking up every morning to go to work & take shit from people and not having enough money to pay for stuff ( my bf pays mostly everything since i quit my last jobs since I was tired of being sexually harrased, it paid good so I stayed 3 years). I hate looking in the mirror and cry because I hate my body and I hate my skin, I hate being nice and people treating me like shit or not noticing I am even there. I hate myself for not pushing myself to do better. But yeah sorry for the random rant just wanting to people know I exist even if its with this. I am going to enjoy my last day spend it with my bf when he gets home from work and then tomorrow hang myself in my room :) life does not get better. I am going to end it tomorrow",Suicidal +19029,"So I did not enrol last fall because I cannot do online classes at that time. I already got delayed for graduation next year because of that since I already missed a few prerequisite courses. But I enrolled last semester and I failed a major. I kind of want to shift to another program but I feel like I already invested so much in my current program. Also, I have already lost interest with literally anything in life so I really do not know what I want to do in the future. I am dreading to retake the class I failed I would rather die than solve another word problem.I thought of how I came to be in this situation, and it boils downs to me being just not ready with college in the first place. I had a major accident during my senior year in high school (2017) and I really thought that would be it for me. My mental health just went down hill from there, if I analysed my thoughts correctly.I tried talking with a counselor freshman year in 2019 but I just cannot convey my thoughts properly. She was nice and all but I felt misunderstood all throughout and ended up ghosting her. Now, I am thinking if I should try talking to someone again. I just do not want to be officially diagnosed with anything (tho I feel like I am depressed and bipolar) because I feel like I will end up going to comparing myself with the ""normal"" people on why I am like this. I really do not want to live anymore. I do not know what kind of comments I want to see, I just do not know anymore.. I am a 21 year old struggling college junior",Depression +19030,"I am 25, working as a quant in an investment bank for about two years after my graduation in 2019. The main problem that I face in my life is that I do not feel like doing anything at all. I have been on pills for 3 years now, been depressed for even more. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood which I have not been able to shake off yet.I am different because I get affected emotionally very easily and it totally gets to me. So called small things totally overpower me and I need time to recover. However the world being fast paced, i do not get that time so I have got to do my daily stuff in spite of that to ensure that I survive. My work is not stressful, it can be done by any sane living human with the drive to do it. But I cannot, I cannot make myself do even the smallest of things. What I feel like is just lying down and hoping it gets over. I know that is not how you get over things but I do not think I want to be what majority people term happy as. I do not feel peace and comfortable in that idea. What I feel happy about is kind of utopian, hence I do not spend much time thinking about it these days.I have been suicidal for almost a year and half. But given the failure that i , I have never attempted it since I was always afraid to die or hurt myself. I do not know a way out. Probably there is not one. What I do know is that I do not enjoy this existence I have on earth but I have got to go on hating every moment of it. And do things to survive even though I do not want to do or live through it at all.I mean, I never asked to be born. Just because two people had sex and wanted some meaning in their lives, I am here and now I have got to face all of these till idk when.I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel. I do not know what happens after death but that seems the only way out as that seems to be an end from this existence I have here.I do not feel things anymore. I have no hobbies, no likings or preferences, no inclination to any activity other than just lying down and overthink which is the because behind most of my mental issues - at least, that is what my psychiatrist said. My job pays for my survival, but I am almost getting overwhelmed by it",Depression +19031,"I see all the posts on here and I really want to be able to help people feeling the same as me but I do not know what to say because I cannot even help myself. it is nice we are not alone in this struggle but I wish I could help out a little more. I used to be good at advising people (I think) but now I cannot, all I can do is relate. I am just tired of everything. Sorry. it is so sad",Suicidal +19032,"I do not like to wake up in the morning, because it means I am still alive. So sometimes I take more medication, it makes me sleep more so do not have to think about how much I want to die. Sometimes I take more of my medication than I should",Suicidal +19033,"I would made a way more detailed post before. But it was my birthday yesterday, and it was incredibly triggering... suicidal ideation was through the roof. Just thinking about what my last year was, feeling I have no future, I have made no progress in getting better, I am growing older with no family support, no financial stability, no career, no stable relationships, nothing to fall on and no one that could take care of me when I grow old or inevitably get sick (cancer runs in my family). It all made me incredibly depressed and reassured me that shooting myself in the head is the best option. As my birthday got closer and closer I started making more concrete plans to commit suicide, but it all fell apart because I could not get the gun on time. Ideally I would have driven out to the woods and pull the trigger in my car on my birthday. But now my birthday passed, and I feel the enormous pressure of building a future for myself, of setting goals for the new year, of getting my shit together.... but I cannot even look past the next day. I have already stop caring about taking care of basic responsibilities and day to day things. I wanted to be gone by my birthday... I do not know if I should wait another year. Birthdays, triggering?",Suicidal +19034,"I have been having suicidal thoughts since I was a child. I am now 27. Everything was going great in my life and in the last year, I have been purposely sabotaging it. I stopped working and I am now on sickness benefits which they have not been paying me for yet as I am delaying all my doctors appointments. Debt is piling up and I have no money to cover for it. Thank god I live with my parents or I would be homeless by now. I have also purposefully ruined my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend so he can stop loving me and be happy with someone else that is not depressed, and he hates me now. I eat my emotions and gained so much weight. I never go out and all I do is act crazy around the house. I even thought of selling myself for sex when I do not need to and had a traumatizing experience with a psycho/serial killer and when he asked me why I was not scared of him doing something to me, I literally told him I was not afraid of death. Wtf is wrong with me? I am just really sad all the time and I want to end this. It feels never ending. it is really hard to want to get better. I just like to sabotage my own life so that nothing is left of me and I think that I am actually good for nothing and useless. Well it is happening. I am good at sabotaging my own life",Depression +19035,"I have felt completely hopeless since my doctor had this conversation with me. I am 23 and I have been diagnosed with depression for 11 years. Its a struggle every single minute of every day, and my depression has only continued to worsen as the years have gone on. I have tried different medications including various groups of antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, and natural remedies. I have been to many different types of therapy - CBT, DBT, animal assisted therapy, play therapy (when I was younger), art therapy, group therapy, equine therapy, counselling, and trauma focused therapy. I have had involvement from psychiatry, school nurses, community nurses, crisis team, occupational therapists, physiotherapists, and peer mentors. I have tried things like behavioural activation, sleep hygiene, massages, acupuncture, self care, distraction etc. I was even hospitalised for 3 years. I feel like I have exhausted every option and I do not know what else I could try. I have applied for various trials but I am not eligible due to physical disability. Its important to note that I was depressed before I became physically disabled, so that is not the reason I am struggling. I do not even know why I am depressed. there is definitely trauma I could pin it on but it does not bother me anymore. I do not think about my past experiences anymore. I am just stuck feeling depressed. Has anyone else tried anything that is worked better for treatment resistant depression? Thanks My doctor told me Ill always be depressed because I am autistic.",Depression +19036,"So I talked to a girl that has similar trauma to me. it is almost scary how much we have in common and the conversations were so effortless. I totally let down my guard and opened up like I have never with anyone. But now I feel her pulling away from me, she still seems to check in on me and expresses ""concern"" but it just feels off. I want to tell her but I cannot even bring myself to tell her that I even want to talk so I am just telling her I am fine and hiding behind my dark humor. I tried to have no expectations but pathetic sad me started to feel some kind of way and now I am even more lost than I was before. I just do not know what to do with myself anymore. Opened up now I feel even greater despair",Depression +19037,"Played an old song ""I do not cry when my dog runs away, I do not get angry at the bills I have to pay.""I did not feel anything, I did not cry, I was locked inside my mind, feeling a cold apathy.""I do not get mad when my mom smokes pot, hits the bottle then goes straight back to the rock.""My mother was a bipolar drug addict, she committed suicide during my childhood. Every time I looked in the mirror I see the she will of another's misery.""Fucking, fighting, it is all the same. Loving come back to me, loving come back to me.""It was all the same, the same, long day of laying around in a depressed haze.I used to listen to that song while I laid in the tub until it became cold. I would have two big plates, four enchiladas, two tubs full of beans, eight tortillas, family meals, bags full bread from various food chains, whatever spoiled thing was in my fridge E.T.C. And I would be eating this way for a long time, going deeper into mental illness, without even seeing it. I would just sit there in cry. did not even know who I was anymore, I had faced derealization that would last for so long I had a difficult time stepping out. Long days, fast years.I was endlessly spinning in a downward spiral.Then I played that song, and I realized how full circle my depression is. I have went through so much since that point, life and depression has changed much, but I have slipped right back into everything I was when I loved this song. Full circle depression",Depression +19038,It should not be this easy to get a gun in Florida lol. cannot say I am surprised. It is Florida after all. Big yikes for me though Yikes,Suicidal +19039,"My friend (F 20) is in a very bad condition right now because of her mother blaming and being very rough on her.Background -My friend has an elder sister who is suffering from a mental issue. She is on a lifetime medication which is very expensive. She got married last year after searching for a husband for her for a long time. Her mother wanted to have a house-husband for her daughter so that she can take care of her. But my friend denied as it would put more burden on the family which is struggling financially.So her sister got married and went to live with her husband on the condition that her family will pay for her medication as the husband did not do anything. First few months was ok, her in-laws took great care of her. But after that things changed. Her condition worsened. She started coming back to her family, sometimes staying even for months. Seeing all this her mother started blaming my friend for not allowing her to keep a house-husband. Treating her badly. Always shouting & screaming at her. At this point she shouts on her for anything!My friend is preparing for medical entrance exam, she wants to be a vet but all this is hurting her badly. She has become very negative and lost her self confidence, I fear she has suicidal thoughts too.I kindly request you all to please advice me how I can help her. She was really good at studies and I want to see her get out of her toxic environment and become a successful vet. We live in India, local support is very much appreciated. Need help for my friend",Depression +19040,"What the title says. I luckily met an amazing girl who is everything I could dream of and she has not backed off even tho I had some times when I just need time gor myself. I just feel that this is not the best time and I feel so bad. I do not want to lose her. Still I would like to hear some tips or success stories that is it possible to keep up with a new relationship while being depressed. I know I can spiral into a very deep hole any minute when I would not be able to have a relationship with anyone, not even family or friends How have you managed to maintain a new relationship while in a depressive episode?",Depression +19041,"I feel like I wish I had somebody to love. I wish the ones I loved before have not hurt me. I feel like depression would be easier to go through with someone else, I feel like the one I love would be the one to get me there. But every time, every single time I fall back into the same hole. I get hurt by the one I want to have something with, every time I feel like I potentially have someone I can date it never works out. It is so hard for me to like someone and when I do nothing ever good comes for me out of it. I see all my friends have more success in their love lives, my ex girlfriend hurt me, hurt me bad. I was emotionally held hostage and abused (emotionally). She played me like a band, a band of instruments. I try so hard and got so far, but in the end it does not even matter. Its the same shit every fucking time, even if my future girlfriend and I have problems I would rather go through those than not have anyone at all. Fuck this shit bro, its sad, life is hard sometimes but I get up and put up a fight every day because I have too much to live for. Am I alone on this?",Depression +19042,I was suicidal but i girl I met online.. an suddenly I stop being suicidal an become happy but I never realized till she blocked me.. we liked each other but I could not date her because I kept getting thoughts that I should not date.. after a year she blocked me an I became confused but I found out why but I waited for her for a year an I started getting suicidal thoughts again.. she helped me get rid of those thoughts but I never realized an I never told her why I did not want to date.. I feel like I cannot live without her.. I talked to many girls online n in person but I feel like she the only one I actually like to talk to.. People say move on but I do not know how to explain it but I cannot live without her.. I feel like I found the person I actually fell in love with but I messed it up an I do not know what to do now I just want to know ur thoughts about this,Suicidal +19043,"(This is just bitching and whining but it feels good if i type it all out on here)I have struggled with anxiety a bit as a child but as soon as highschool hit i was totally normal, i know a lot of people hate/hated highschool but oh my god those were the easiest and most fun days. Junior and senior year i even had a job i would go to after school. Fast foward to freshman year college my family moves 10 hours south. Holy shit. What happened. Its like everything hit me like a truck. A girl i knew online for like 5 years moved in with my family, we both got jobs at target. Life seems alright. My girl ends up telling me while drinking with her one night that she slept with her college friend a month after she first came to visit me (typical women moment). I felt complete devastation but i forgave her at the time, my grandpa had a similar issue in his relationship and hes been married 50 years. Continued to work at target but it got harder and harder. After almost breaking down a few times at work i decided it was time to work on mental health so i quit. Therapy was basically paying to talk to an acquaintance every week that would respond to me with bible verses. Nothing has changed the past year. I made no friends at target besides a dealer who i bought from but do not even see anymore. I can and have gone to see my friends in my hometown but nothing changes the fact that those good days are gone, and everyone is moving on. Just browsing indeed its a bunch of warehouse jobs just like my last one, and i really do not want to be in the SAME headspace working the SAME job a year later. I am in college still, but nothing really amazing is going to come of it, its just an AA and I am mainly doing it because i am doing nothing else, it makes my family happy, and its all online anyways. I just feel no enjoyment in life anymore, if my family was not so supportive i do not know what id do or even where id be. Alcohol i avoid as it just makes me sad, weed is okay but just makes me paranoid/lazy and its disgusting, nicotine is just nasty and makes me puke, cbd is nice as it is legal but it loses it affects after a week or two. Video games are alright but get old quick and are expensive. I just find no enjoyment in life rn, working out is great but sadly your body gets tired and you cannot live at the gym. Hard to find enjoyment in work now",Depression +19044,"Called a few people, got a chance to get a job - at the saw mill. I am going to fucking do it bro. I am just going to do it. I want to put msyelf to the test and see how much of a man I am, well the fucking lubar mill is the place to see what I am made of. no crying no bitching and whining - today I feel good. the human mind is a mystery- especially mine, yesteerday i was at an extreme low now I am at a high- nto an EXTREME high, but a kind of highi think ill put one in the air, and then ill do some boxing drills for a few hours. today I woke up, felt confident, thought I overslept seen it was 8:50 am",Depression +19045,I have no skillsNo friendsNo self esteemI wish I can pull the plug and kill myself. There is nothing worth for me to live. I just want to pull the plug on my life,Suicidal +19046,"I am a 20 years old man. I got admitted into university mid-pandemic. While every student got together virtually and even with some meetups here and there, especially with some new friends we made, I became the one who knows much about my major and this made people respect me. However, I feel like I am just a Wikipedia between these people. One who is constantly respected but not for who he is but what he knows and how he helps them. It makes me happy, but not proud of myself.Suddenly, after years of isolation in middle school and high school, not being in contact of many people, I find myself amongst others. I started to feeling love for a girl. She rejected me. I see other men and boys in my surroundings. Always getting the love and attention I want to receive myself too. Some play guitar and music. Some watch movies. Some has read many literature and poetry. I feel like I am empty. I do not know many things people finds them very exciting. I cannot sing, cannot act, cannot tell a story which makes them laugh, cannot joke, cannot flirt because I have constant fear of being rude or becoming the creepy man, cannot dance, cannot work, basically, cannot be the person they like and even I wanted to be.I was open about my feelings towards some friends. I could rely on them to talk, even if some of them was aforementioned people with guitar and stuff that I think my shortcomings are attributed to me not having those abilities. They were always supportive of me. Many people of university always applause me for what I know. But I feel empty.I could not love, I could not be what I want, I could not fulfill my expectations or even my friends'. This makes me empty. I think of suicide more often. The only reason I have not done it is my parents. do not want to give them a hard time. But things are getting more tough. Even to the point that I am starting to ignore what could happen to my family and loved ones after I am gone.Even if you do not read this and will not help, I completely understand. I had to write it down somewhere which someone could read it. Maybe someone find my situation close to themselves and could help them. I do not know if I be here longer than usual. I have less and less dj vu. Maybe my days, hours, seconds, have got numbered. I hope I could one day get back and read this. Maybe laugh at my juvenile thoughts, or, be proud that I overcame it. But I do not know what would happen. I do not. I feel useless, unsupported, and lonely even with people constantly supporting me",Suicidal +19047,"I managed to get myself out of an eight year depressive phase. I had a rather great and elated three months before I lapsed again. I have relapsed with alcohol and have gotten all the symptoms I was used to. This time, however, I have become excessively paranoid and aggressive. I am waking up in the night and seeing things. I fell out with a friend and backhanded him because of something he said. This is all unlike me and I am worried.I need help. I was doing great and now I need help again",Depression +19048,"i seem to have a fallback to my old problems.3 years ago i had my last suicide attempt which resulted with me being hospitalized for quite a long time. afterwards i visited different therapists but it would not be effective for me personally. I then proceeded to drag myself out of my darkspace as i like to call it. darkspace means that i loose my power, drive and motivation, everything seems useless. i procrastinate or completely let go off all my responsibilities, just sit at home & smoke weed as selfcare, do not eat for days at a time, stop doing sports and ignore my social contacts, sleep instead of being productive and hate every single second of my day. weed is fucking bs, its making everything worse I am going to and i want to quit but somehow i cantlong story short, my life had a lot of hurdles in the past few months i started to do not care about my university responsibilities, had troubles with my family (they all do not know about my mental state never cared about that condition of mine)and now have lost a girl i was seriously interested in for the first time in years.i am now in my darkspace again.i do not want to harm myself, but i know if i do not change my life rn, i will end up there again. to my hardfacts, I am 23, m, broke af living on my own. i have 3 exams in 2 weeks (obviously have not studied yet & one of them is my final attempt) and i need to pass, as i cannot loose another year of my time, as i just started with medicine and it will take me 5 more years anyway and i want to be a doctor before 30 but i already turn 24 in a few daysi am deeply in love with the girl, she was just perfect. we were dating for 3 months pretty intensely but yesterday she ended it very surprisingly because everything seemed fine to me.it did not bring me to my darkspace btw, it just brought me way more into it. now i am sitting here asking reddit for help. i know that i do not want therapy, i would not even be able to make time for that & i cannot risk going back to the hospital, they would make me go stationary again. i have lost a lot of weight (now down to 60, had 68kg back in march), definitely due to not eating, no sports and my fcked up sleep schedule. how do i get my life back on track? how do i get my motivation for studying? how do i get over her? i do not know how i managed it the last time so help me reddit, please, i beg you i need help",Depression +19049,I do not know what to do in life.i just feel lost and depressed Am failing my graduation,Depression +19050,I am pretty good at keeping the thoughts leveled. But when I start to think about certain things its like my mind spirals out of control.. lol my ADHD does not help it either! Anyone have any advice on how to move past the thoughts that drag you into a rabbit hole?? I feel so stuck in my head,Suicidal +19051,"I cannot hold a job down longer than a month until my head starts really cracking down on my ass and I snap and cannot get out of bed until I get a phone call saying I am fired.I cannot go outside ever since I had a severe panic attack, literally thought I was going to die, that is extremely fun. So I am unable to go outside with chest pains and anxiety majority of the time.I cannot even interact with other people, that is even worse since all I can do is talk to myself, my GF and my mother. I cut off most of my family.It does not even matter at this point, I am fucking 20 years old who cannot just work how everybody else does and function that way. I am not sure if my childhood trauma would play a part in this or not. I do not even have a therapist either, I am not one for taking medication. I cannot work, I cannot go outside and I cannot interact with other people.",Depression +19052,"25/m just got off another job interview that I failed. These thoughts have returned, and this time my mind cannot fight them anymore. I just want to be happy with myself I just got rejected by another employer. I am currently just so lost.",Suicidal +19053,"I do not like to hang around with my friends like i use to.. and they also do not understand me, but they never seem to care either... its just, hey!, i fucked this girl, let us drink this beer, let us smoke weed, let us talk about women... And I know thay are way more complex then that, that is why i believe this is a me issue... it just, when i take a step back from my group, that is all I hear...I want to be alone, but my psicologist told me i do not want that, my depression does.. so i do not know how to feel, or what to do...Have you felt like white noise ringing in ur ears whenever ur suppose to be having a good time? I do not want to be alone but...",Depression +19054,"I have not took my meds in nearly a week and I feel terrible.I am getting brain zaps and jumps in my body, I am fatigued and sleepy 24/7 although that parts not from medication.I have been dreading going to sleep the past few days in fear of having dreams because its a second reality I have to life and I get no real rest, the dreams are strange and odd and the feelings they leave me when I wake up are unexplainable it makes me feel low and out of touch with life, I have begun to hate dreams.I just want to not have dreams anymore I just want a blip through non existing for a few hours at least.My patterns are the same, its been the same for nearly 3 years now/: wake, eat, and be trapped in my room and sleep repeat. I have not had any memories the past few years, days are nothing, years are nothing anymore-(not that time makes sense).I am looking to move abroad and chase a dream that is not really plausible or motivating anymore but its all I got left so its my last hope to this life, if it does not work out then at least I tried but it will be my end.I am waking up sad and miserable, lonely and tired and life is seeming more meaningless every minute, the only real thing keeping me going is my family and music.I am still a virgin not that I am bothered, its normal for my age. I have never been in love or had feelings for anyone but than one woman who meant the world to me, its been 2+ years and she is still on my mind all the time, fantasising about her but we cannot be together and I am starting not to care just like my attitude to life.I am still strong in faith with God, but its hard t keep going because why did he let me live when I was born why did he let the doctors save me having a collapsed lung and being 3 months premature? Why God you knew what my life would be like and how life is getting to me, is all this a joke to you. I still love you though, I just hope you will forgive me if I ever you know.. Just need to talk and get it out my system.",Suicidal +19055,"I just do not get it. Why is it supposed to be prevented ? Sometimes I see it as a fantastic solution. Only because it will hurt other people, its supposed to be prevented ? IDK then, why are not these people who would get hurt, let the person get to this stage ? If this sounds selfish, then telling a person that its going to be better online is a joke too. Sorry to say its a fucking joke. I think when a person's thinking about suicide, its already too late. Its already over. We let that person get to that stage of thinking that, and on top of that, we tell them fake stuff like "" oh its going to be better "", FUCKING HOW ? how do you know its going to be better. let us evaluate the pros of suicide below : Ends your pain. Lessens burden of people who are supposed to ""stick"" with you. Who gives a fuck anyway. Nobody is down for you the way you would think they are. Somehow you are supposed to tough it out. Its meaningless.Cons : Someone would cry for a couple days. Amazon would lose a customer.As a society, we should be discussing good/painless ways to commit suicide. We should be legalising death by medication. But no instead we choose to serve capitalism to save a life. Fucking why ? Why does suicide need to be prevented ?",Suicidal +19056,does anyone else have generalized anxiety disorder and feel like its taking control of their life. Like every second ur always worrying about something or feel like ur going to have a panic attack.. the only thing that is helping me rn are the benzos. I literally do not want to live with this constant feeling of doom. Its scary af :( gad,Suicidal +19057,"If I wanted to seek help, who do i look for? A psychologist o a psychiatrist? Whatever my insurance covers? If",Depression +19058,"But not the ""need more sleep"" kind of tired, more so the "" I am done with everything "" kind of tired. I am tired..",Suicidal +19059,How much do I need to end this shit? Potassium Chloride,Suicidal +19060,"I have no plans to kill myself and I will not go through with anything, but I am miserably unhappy. I do not really have a reason to be. I just am. I feel like I want to die all the time",Depression +19061,I cannot go on. Not even my cries for help go noticed. I knew I was not and will never be good enough. 13 years have come to this.,Depression +19062,"I am alone. I do not mean ""I do not feel close to anyone"", I mean, I am literally alone.And I cannot do it any longer. If I could figure out a way to end it that would definitely work and not just leave me with too high a risk of just suffering any more, I would do it right now. But I do not even have the energy to work out anything that I could do that I have not failed to do before.I am a student. I have just finished the first year of my degree. Results are published in a couple days and I think I have done enough to continue to next year but there is at least one module that I am going to have to resit in August. I do not particularly care about any of that, it is just context. I am supposed to be doing a 6 week research internship, but I have got 2.5 weeks left of it and I have not even started writing the paper I am supposed to be working on. I care about it so much - but that is the problem. I do not have the emotional capacity to deal with aiming for a career that I \*care\* about. it is too personal, something completely unrelated can happen and trigger me and I switch off completely. I am never going to be able to hold down a job like this. I have got flatmates, but I have just moved in here and I have yet to meet anyone. I keep moving in with groups of strangers. I am living in other people's space. It sounds so stupid but all I want is to live somewhere where I have got my own space in a kitchen cupboard, a shelf in the fridge. Not just treading on other people's toes all of the time. Most undergraduate students go ""home"" for the summer. I am not allowed to call halls ""home"", even though this is the only home I have. I do not have any family, I do not have friends to go and see. This is not the most lonely I have ever been. I spent March 2020 - September 2020 living in 1 bed flat, completely alone. I became entirely nocturnal, blew all my savings on a Nintendo Switch so that I could play Animal Crossing, listened to Discworld audiobooks back to back and walked miles every day (so much so that I have irreperably damaged my hip). In that time, I had 5 face to face conversations. And then I left my hometown and moved away to the city I am in now, where I have zero friends, to study. I have gone 512 days without being hugged. I got a hug a couple weeks ago, but it was just a brief thing. Nowhere near enough. I think about it every day. I want someone to hold me. Properly hold me. Tightly. Rub my back and hold my hand. I cannot even remember the last time I had physical human contact that was at all satisfying. I pet every cat I meet, I put damp towels in the drier and then stuff them in a hoodie and hold that because the warmth is comforting. But it is nowhere near enough. I have nobody that I can tell that I am struggling, nevermind that I am actively suicidal - again. I am nearly 21, I have been trying to end myself since I was 12. I have had people that I could rely on, trust, feel safe with, but for reasons that are rarely anyone's fault, I always end up being left eventually. it is just circumstance. But I miss people so bad. There are 2 groups of people, people I love dearly and who love me equally but being close is not possible; and people who are so much more special to me than I have ever been or ever could be to them. My childhood was not horrific. But it did suck. My birthgivers had too many of their own issues. I did not feel safe at home, ever. There was a lot of bad stuff that happened. So I left when I was 18. I have never looked back, never missed them. But from being a teenager I have had to deal with desperately wanting someone to take care of me. I have had to do so much alone. I was left to deal with my own illnesses because no one around me was well enough to. I was bullied everywhere I went and I had to hide it from ""home"" because it was too much for anyone to deal with, and my \~problems\~ caused too much stress and too much stress caused danger for me. I make up stories in my head. Of lying on the floor having hurt myself, badly - that bits real - but then someone walks in and scoops me up and takes me away to a safe place and takes care of me. And I mean that in the most literal way, yeah I want the emotional care, love even, but I would have done anything at 15 for someone to clean my injuries, make me a hot meal, give me a quiet place to rest. I get nightmares. Often about things that have happened to me or around me. I wake up on the edge of screaming, often sobbing. Right now it is almost every night. Sometimes a few times a night. That moment waking up is the most vulnerable I feel these days. Everything I want in that moment is impossible. I want to throw myself into someone else's arms. I want protecting. But even if I had a person close by, I know I could never do that. I cannot expect anyone to ever do that for me, it is not fair to do that to anyone. If someone else asked me to do the same, I could not do it. I know I have to fix myself on my own. I have to be able to be kind enough to myself to give myself everything no one else could. But everyone who repeats the ""the only person you can rely on is yourself"" thing, always seems to have \*someone\*. Or at least, has had someone. And yeah, I have had good people. But I always had to go home alone at the end of the day. When I ended up in hospital, I went alone. When I move flats, I have always done that alone. When other people get to ask for help, I have never had that. So now I am just done. I can do everything ""right"", but I cannot do enough for myself. I cannot fix myself. I cannot even fix myself enough that I could ever have a healthy relationship with someone else. I have so much to give, but too much baggage. I wish I could love someone. So this is it forever, until I can make it end. I cannot face being alone anymore",Suicidal +19063,"kind of sucks having been through constant trauma and mental illness even from being a child, I am 20 now and realized I have never had a true happy moment or period of my life without something bad happening, and it only continues. for example from this year alone my dog died, my mom was rushed to the hospital, my sister is super sick and I am unable to pay for my school & my family is struggling financially. This stuff is a constant in my life and its so upsetting to look at my best friend who has a perfect life so to speak. Her family has money, they are all healthy and have a great relationship, none of them have struggled with mental illness, and they essentially have no worries. I have known them for years and I wish I could stop comparing my life to hers cannot seem to catch a break",Depression +19064,"I have been having a hard time keeping in touch with reality. I sometimes think I cannot die, I am having a hard time with my identity, I often have thoughts along the lines of nothing exists. Could I be schizophrenic or something beyond depressed?",Depression +19065,"I hate my family, my grandma probably thinks I do child pornography ( me as the child ) and my mom thinks my low self esteem is nothing. I have told her at times I have low self esteem, and she just nods and shit and says oh so that is why you have to work hard LIKE THAT MEANS I COULD BE CONFIDENT OR SOMETHINGI have always felt like such a coward for not taking risks like making friends with popular students or becoming a student council president, I am such a fucking loser.I regret not taking sports like ice skating or not being the person I want to be.I HATE WHO I AM.I HATE THE FACT I am NOT PRETTY.I am NOT SMART.I am NOT A PRODIGY AT ANYTHING.I am QUITE SIMPLE MINDED.I am SHIT.i tried once, you know? i tried to study. i was doing pretty good trying to study AP chem ( not hs yet but i thought studying early will make life easier )and I think I was actually getting some of that motivation back.Then my grandma was like you are so lazy and i get mocked for being a messy lazy ass bitch right?i did not study again because i think I am a failure.my world was so small and now i regret that.i wish i was pretty so atleast people liked me.i wish i was funnier so people liked being around me.i wish i was not someone boring so i did not have to be a fucking bitch being weird and all for someone is entertainment.I HATE HOW I am NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING.I HATE HOW I WASTED MY TIME.I HATE HOW I cannot CHANGE MY PAST.I HATE MY PRESENT AND I ABSOLUTELY WISH I WAS BETTER IN THE FUTURE.but i probably will not even go so far, i do not take initiative AT ALL.sometimes some people just do not deserve to live right?what purpose do i have?my family only cares abt money and not passion so I am doing everything for money right?rich right?that is the life right?being a doctor because any other career is a fucking low paying job right?FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THISI HATE EVERYTHINGI WISH I COULD SCREAMI WISH I COULD SHOUT AT THE WORLDand what is worse? my coping mechanism was porni fucking read porn a lotand even that sucked because a few images traumatized me that I am so sure I am going to hellIM FUCKING GOING TO HELL AND I am SCAREDIM SCARED BUT I WISH I WAS LIVING THE COLLEGE DREAMSOCIAL LIFECAFESTUDY SESSIONS but maybe i will not last till that period of my lifethanks for listening i hate life",Suicidal +19066,"Ok, as of posting this, I have been crying for the past hour, a while ago I could not stop breathing so heavily just thinking about it made me light-headed, I am still in eighth grade, but I am an honor student and have been for the last 8 years of my education, I have been working as much as I can, and because of online classes, both my mental and physical health have just deteriorated completely, not a day goes by without contemplating or at least asking myself if today could be the day that I commit suicide, for the past few years of my life I have noticed my mental health take such a toll, I used to take anything from people and shrug it off, and now I can barely manage a day without shedding a tear, or at least feeling the need to, some days I just talk to myself so much I realize the sheer social deprivation I am at, I have not seen my friends in over a year, the only reason I ever talk to my classmates and friends are for games or school, nothing more nothing less, I have no one to talk to or vent about. Other days like today, I end up a complete mess crying and hyperventilating, I want to kill myself so much, I felt that today was different, the pain of just breathing (I guess, but heavily) got to me and I nearly picked up a knife, I just wanted to end the pain, as of now I am still very light-headed, this is the only year when I have had insomnia or have just stayed til 2am and even then I cannot sleep, please help me, I do not want to die, I want to live, my parents are of course like any other parents, they would not understand if I told them I had depression, I know it, I do not have much of a good relationship with them as well, so it is pointless talking it out. I am normally occupied with school so that keeps me from being depressed, but now that our school year is over, and I have 2 months of worthless time to spare, I have just felt worthless like a soldier after a war, I am sorry if that sounded like an insult to any military personnel but I just, I just do not know anymore. I cry for no reason, I talk to myself on a constant basis, and when I do I just realized I slowly talk myself into depression, my head hurts I think I may have schiz, hopefully not, I just do not want this anymore. This is the first time this is happening, I will not even bother with my grammar, please, just comment something, anything, I want it all to end. Just read this and comment anything you want, it is all I need",Suicidal +19067,All I do is bitch about laughably minor things. No one wants to hear that shit. People keep leaving me because all I have to offer to every conversation is bitching about something. Even this post is just me bitching about bitching. Why am I so melodramatic all the damn time!?,Depression +19068,"In last two years of school i was hopeless and depressed. I was able to hide this from everyone because when i asked for help sometimes many said i will get over it.Though i was able to get in average college I am hopeless, lonley, depressed again. I am tired and sleepy all the time even if i get 7 hr sleep. I am scoring nearly last in classes. How and when will it get better?",Depression +19069,I am praying for death on my way to work Time for another soul stealing day to do shit I do not care about,Depression +19070,"My closest friends are moving out to different countries soon and I will truly be completely alone. I will only be left with acquaintances whom I talk to once in a blue moon. I am 23 and no one ever loved me, my looks are fading at that, people will never understand. All I feel is pain. This is my last summer",Suicidal +19071,"I know I am not the best person in the world I forget things and I put things off I know. But the simple ""can you do this rn?"" Would be great instead of saying I do not do shit in the house and I am a bitch but thanks mom love you too I have not had a poper conversation with her since I was fucking 10. I just wanted a mom not a narcissistic bitch who has been pushing me to the breaking point.I want this to end but it feels like there is no escape But I guess that is the price I pay for being born.Thanks Need to just talk",Depression +19072,"I hid my problems for years not trusting adults nor therapists then i finally cracked and got help.(therefore parents do not know shit)My parents do not really believe in mental health either.I tried therapy for multiple years, first therapist did not work, second one i just feels physically anxious talking to.So i went to a psych examiner recently and they told me you are mentally healthy except for alot of anxiety well why do you think I am anxious? Maybe because I am being forced to get help and being afraid of being judged- i hate help here so much it always backfires, i just want to rest. I am so tired of being betrayed and used by loved ones and professionals.I just want help so i do not do any harm. I feel so done after hiding my problems for years i just want help please",Suicidal +19073,"My life is at the worst it is ever been. Self doubt, numb, empty, dead inside, guilt, lonely, 0 Real life friends, no one i know in real life knows anything about this, Stress, self harmed for the first time yesterday, terrified, anxious, self hate, despair, misery.I just want the suffering to end. I do not know How to deal with this anymore",Depression +19074,"'**Hurt Anyway**', is a song I wrote about **my sister's depression**. I wrote it after months of trying to help her break away from her depression, feeling hopeless to stop her pain. One of the most personal songs I have ever written, I cried whilst writing it and I still tear up when performing it.Please listen to it and let me know what you think. Is it relatable? Have you gone through something similar?[Listen to Hurt Anyway HERE]( A song about my sister's crippling depression: Hurt Anyway",Depression +19075,My dog got put down yesterday and I am really sad about it This is not suicide but pls help me with this...,Suicidal +19076,what is the minimum height/storeys to jump to ensure certain death? Perfect Height,Suicidal +19077,"This is a throw away account because I do not people to recognize me with my personal account on reddit. Also this is a pretty big post. (I am sorry) I do not know if this is the right subreddit, I wanted to post on r/DecidingToBeBetter but I thought it was maybe too much. I apologies in advance if I made any mistake because English is my first language. In this moment I am writing this post I am in junior year of high school and I am going to be in senior year.I have this weird and toxic habit of romanticizing suicide in my head, I think a lot about committing suicide and how I will doing it. I have an obsession about suicide to the point where I can no longer spend a week without thinking about suicide once and this obsession lead me to romanticize and fetishize suicide and suicidal ideation. I do not think I am actually suicidal but I think my low self-esteem lead me to seek attention and pity to others people in a unhealthy way. I also do not I have depression, think of myself as I petty mentally healthy person. I have an history about seeking attention, to my friends especially. For example, when I was in 9th grades, I started telling people I was thinking about ending my own life and one of my friend endured a lot because of my own action. They wanted to help me but I made them feel scared because I kept telling them I was about to commit suicide. I was really toxic to them, mocking them and making them really uncomfortable but pushing their boundaries and I realized that at the end of the year when they stopped talking to me. After that event, I started high school but these though never really went away and I kept making stories about me committing suicide and I leaving my family. I started watching people dealing with suicide just to trigger my own suicidal thought. I fanaticized about how I could end my life and how people would react to my decision. Thinking about suicide make me feel like in control and I feel peace in a way. (Wow, writing about my felling and emotions make me feel better in a weird way)In addition to that, I also seek pity a lot, I like when I am the victim and I like when people care for me. I think to myself as the broken hero even though I know damn well I a am a privileged brat in high school who have seen or experienced nothing I was protected and loved by my parents and every one around me. I am unable to take critics except when I know I am in a position of weakness. I think the reason why I am seeking pity is because I was spoiled as a child I never learned how to have a healthy image of myself. The other reason I think why I seek pity from other is because I did not have any friend when I was a child and I am always trying to be the center of attention (I try to not do it with my family but it is really hard when I am around other people). I know I should not cry because other people have it worse but I cannot help it but seeing myself as a victim. I know I can do better on my own and I see myself talking to a therapist or my parents. I want to improve myself on my own because I want to prove to myself I can do it lone. Plus, I do not want to talk to my parents about this kind of issue with my parents because I am afraid they will make things worse and that I will loose control. In conclusion, I want to learn how to stop doing these habit because it is impacting in unhealthy way life and I want to stay in the position and never learn to grow and mature and I know I can do it. I want suicidal thought and I want to learn. I do not want people to pity me, I know I di something wrong in the past. How to stop seeking pity and romanticizing suicide ?",Suicidal +19078,"I am ready to live again and be happy. I have been rolling with the punches and talking out my problems, but how do I know its not just the drugs. Drink makes me happy so how do I know its not that. Nicotine soothes me when I am alone and the feeling of having something to smoke helps my anxiety. I feel so happy, but how do I know if its the drugs or not. I am finally ready to live again, but I am not sure why.",Depression +19079,"(Rant)I am 20, and I got my first job last week. I am in for a shift at 4:00 today but I am already dreading coming in. it is at a fast food place and I am working at the till, becsuse they have not taught me anything else. I hide in the corner where the icream machine is to look busy, pretending not to see people queuing up because I am scared ill mess it up becsuse I do not know the register yet, and I do not want to be saying ""huh/what/sorry"" all the time because of the noise and masks.it is a small place, so with the masks and the noise from the kitchen, its really hard to hear people.I am terrified of phones. I get nervous when the phone rings when I am left alone at the front. I do not know, I hate it, but when I try to explain or think about it, I cannot find anything to say. Maybe because its not as bad as I think, but with my fear of people, and wanting to double check what everyone tells me, etc. because I am paranoid I will mess up or forget something, but as the same time I do not want to ask people because I do not want to be seen as clingy or strange.I think I picked the worst job for me but in the village I live in, there is not much else, and my parents were always going at me to get a job. I am just glad I put myself down for part time, because I do not want to be in there, but at the same time, if I was in full time, I would have figured out everything faster (i still do not now)I just do not know what to do. I want to quit, but it seems pathetic for me fo just quit after 3 days, and I have nothing else lined up .. it is only my 3rd day of having a job and I already cannot take it",Depression +19080,"(I have already made a post in the past, but accidently deleted it) So I am a 15 year old, about to break up from school for the summer, so I should be happy, right? Wrong. My entire life, I have felt like the world just hates me. My dad died of a cocaine overdose, when I was 4. My mums alcohol dependent. My family struggles to afford food and rent. I am worried to be outside with my 13 year old sister, because I do not want to look like a pedo. The reason why I think this, is because I am mixed-race (my dad was white British, and my mums black Jamaican), and me and my sister look very different from each other (I am quite pale and white, but my sisters black), and I often get people staring at us, when were out in public. I also have the very disturbing worry, that in the future, my sister might get sexually assaulted/raped. I get bullied at school, for being an awkward mess, and people go out of their way, to make me look even more stupid than I already do. I self harm myself, by getting any sharp object I can get hold of, and lightly cut my arm. I do not want to kill myself, I just do not want to exist. Thank you for your time Pls help",Suicidal +19081,"From the day I was born I was abused I was not even supposed to be born, My dad started molesting me at 3:00 to leave to 10:00 and traffick me to other men for moneyMy sister brother and mother were any better really they sexually abused me physically and mentally emotionally as wellI have so much depression about everything I have been through I am still financially dependent on my mother somewhat as I have extreme post-traumatic stress among other things.All she does is pretty much make me anxious by bothering me with questions insulting me and making rude comments about the state of my apartment because I am depressed and it is hard for me to keep it clean she will come to help me clean but then she will not talk to me at all and be Curt then be nice then be cured again then start yelling and making bad comments about where I live. I had to tell her to leave last night but she would not leave I was crying hysterically my bedroom because I am trying to leave and abusive government housing situation.And she did not say a word even though she heard me and I just felt so unloved and uncared forI started just losing it and saying like go back to your perfect life then because I have to live in this awful while everyone else seems to be doing relatively okay and I mentioned my dad raping me which she denied but when I first told her she did not deny it and she confirmed but now she says I am crazy and then it never happened and I have a disorder.I always internally feel like this mentally psycho messed up ungrateful person. I have no friends I cannot keep them because they cannot support me at the emotional depth that I need, they all end up just taking advantage of me and when I need them they are nowhere to be found I tried to just have friends that I can be casual with but they just want to take from me they cannot even just have a conversation with me about TV shows without asking something from from me or making a snotty remark.I have a small business but it is extremely hard for me because it is on social media seeing the numbers go up and down with my followers makes it hard especially as I am becoming more real of who I am. I cannot separate my business from who I am it is very important that I spread awareness about social issues as well as what I went through being trafficked. I am on assistance and I am scared they will cut me off because I have not reported my earnings because if I do that they will cut my check for the next month and since I do not make consistent income it is not a good idea for me but in the end I lose anyways.My building is government they treat you like garbage they take your full amount of rent you get from the government and leave you in an apartment that is a death trap in a fire hazard no matter what you do or you call no one gives a s***.I actually really do love myself and care about myself and there is a lot of things that I love in life but it is getting to the point where how can I survive when I do not even have a decent support network and it is hard for me to even get out of bed. I tried to have my mom help me and clean but obviously the emotions are too untangled there and the way she treats me when she comes as if as if I am a huge burden and I cannot do it myself and she just snaps at me and I feel so trapped. This place is giving me money to move but they are not helping me whatsoever I have never lived in apartment by myself that has not been government I have no idea what they want and they have just basically said we have money in your lucky to have it you are ahead of the edge but they kind of just throw me to the Wolves I am indigenous/white as well and the funding is linked through indigenous funding so as well as you know assistant so I am scared I will end up in a worse place than I am already in. I thought I would be able to stay at this building in particular for a little bit longer since it had mental health case supports a doctor's office in it things like that but the support staff here are condescending rude recap privilege look down upon you talk over you hang the phone up on you if you do not behave and you do not cooperate you are treated like a client in a mental in a mental institution and treated like you do not know anything you are not smart you are a degenerate and no requests you have for your disabilities are met with any type of meaningful conversation just stonewalling even if you go to your doctor get a note or the Human Rights association like I'mlosing a battle hereAnyways I live everyday and anxiety my heart pounding I live in terror that these people are going to hurt me because I am speaking out about the abuse and I am just scared they are going to hurt me anyways because the last maintenance man was sexually assaulting the tenants here and he got fired but there is two other maintenance men that are just as bad so I put a double lock on my door and I have a knife beside me at nightThis is no way to live and no one understands how hard it is to find a place as one person by yourself and not get scammed and make sure it is okay and it is safe and that I do not end up on the streets again. I do not understand like everyone around me just lacks empathy and any type of emotional intelligence they do not listen to what I want they do not listen to what type of apartment I want and I just want to give up like I am just overwhelmed and these people want too much from me and then they get almost mad because I cannot do it but then they send me listings that are completely what I told them not and I am just feeling disrespected at this point and I tell them but nothing changesI feel like nothing changes ever no matter what I do I am just exhausting myself on a f****** hamster wheel no one can help me no one ever does I do not deserve this.I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel I do not have one person in my life that has my best interest in mind.I do not really want to die but I do not want to live like this and I do not want it to get worse. Suicidal thoughts are always in the background of my life",Suicidal +19082,I am so close to giving up. I feel like I have tried so hard to get help and nothing is helping and no one wants to help me. Idk what to do Help me please,Suicidal +19083,"Nobody feels for a broken man, not until he is lying in a casket, too late to be fixed. Nobody knows of his broken heart, torn apart by his feelings, so muddle, so mixed Tired and lonely, he pushes through his day, hoping some day, someone spots him But as he push, and crawl, and fight, and fall, all it does, is making hope's light grow dim For love, for family, for all that i care for But all that i feel now, is my heart getting sore Exhausted, defeated, that is all that i feel But I will still fight, to the end of my will By: fyzan_fyzz211 Fight to the end of my will",Depression +19084,"Hello, dear people , for the last 4 months I lost all my emotions and drive probably post SSRI or due to covid , I really need help because I tried so many supplements and lifestyle changes , before I could sleep more and I even felt anxious which I miss tbh at least I was feeling smth . Now my sleep is distrupted by horrible nightmares , I have constant anhedonia and brain fog, feeling of weakness, loss of smell and completely loss of apetite and drive to eat , auditory processing disorder , blurry / shadowie vision , PSSD , memory and concentration issues . This problems made me quit my studies and making me only lay in bed till the end of the day and I really consider suicide at this point . I should mention that I got all blood work done and everything came back fine except i have anemia and low cortisol (0,7 when normal is above 3,7) and a CT scan which came back fine and I am taking escitalopralm atm and visiting a therapyst. Thank you so much even if you had the patience to listen to my story and I would be grateful if I could get some help from people with similar experiences and sorry for my bad english .Peace At the end of the rope ,need help",Depression +19085,"keep having panic attacks, waves of uncontrollable crying and then i feel numb and empty. I am missing work a lot and I am just tired, I am so fucking tired of trying. what is the point in being here when i am getting nothing out of life too depressed to work",Depression +19086,Is anyone elses depression so bad you almost feel like something else is seriously wrong with you? I woke up today feeling the worst/most numb I have ever felt and I was genuinely scared. Life completely sucked out of me. Gets a tiny bit better as the day goes on but its just absolute hell every second. I am scared. Depression so bad its scary?,Depression +19087,Life is bullshit I am done. I have heard insulin can do it but I cannot find how much I would need for it to be lethal. I am going to save a bunch of money have 1 good day and end it all on a high note. Painless suicide,Suicidal +19088,"I am miserable at home, my job anywhere I go I just feel cold and alone. Everyday is worst than the last. I just had an emotional breakdown speaking with my boss and she told me to leave for the day. My depression has become a literal brick wall in my life and I do not have the tools to get through it. It seems like when i try there is someone building a bigger one behind it. I just wish my family would hate me. I wish my friends hated me. I wish I had nobody I could hurt if I just took my own life. I just want to cease existing. Part of my wishes every day someone would crash into me and I would be put in a coma something half way between dead and alive. The only way I see it my life has one end to it but I cannot even find the will do do that. Why am I even here. I am writing this not even expecting help or asking for it for that matter I just need to be honest with myself because I constantly have to fake a smile and pretend everything is okay, I have been doing it for years. I am reaching my boiling point I cannot pretend anymore everyone around me sees how miserable I truly am and talks to me like I am the reject. If everyone already thinks I am a lost because why keep going? I cannot do it anymore. I am useless. I am a waste of a life. What the hell is the point of continuing",Depression +19089,I find it quite jarring and draining when someone is trying to push you to talk and open up to them as if that is suddenly going to fix your depression and make you happy. I understand the sentiment and its all in good will but honestly if you cannot solve my problems then you have no right to push it. If anything for me talking about my problems just reinforces how I cannot do fuck all about it. You cannot solve my problems,Depression +19090,"I know this does not really fit here but it still kind of does because these are the pieces of S- I have had to grow up with and deal with on a daily basis. They got tested for COVID and their results came back positive and they are still acting like it is not worth worrying about just because they are lucky enough their symptoms are not that bad.. they gave it to me too and I have been doing the best I can taking all of the precautions this whole time to avoid getting it.. I tried to tell them to stop going places without a mask because they have COVID, stop going places at all, but they insist they still have to live their lives and that its not that bad.. I honestly wish their COVID was a worst case scenario.. because they truly deserve it.. who knows what they are actively doing to other peoples lives.. I have struggled for a long time with how I feel about them because they are my family.. but they are just evil.. knowing you have the virus and still going and spreading it so you will not be slightly inconvenienced, or worse to prove a point, at this point they are just literally evil I feel awful that I cannot do anything to stop them from doing this, no matter what they will not stop.. is this a crime? If it is I would like to report them honestly My POS parents keep going into stores without a mask on while knowing they have COVID",Depression +19091,"I cannot deal with it anymore everyday they go:you are so bad at the game, why are you playing this game, my pet goldfish is better than you, you are doo doo water, you are dog water, my sister can play better than you, stop playing i tell them its hurting my feeling but they do not stop.Everyday I get bullied Everyday someone tells me I am easy I start having a panic attack It just hurts my feelings so much it puts a hole in my heartI just want it to stop but they keep saying mean things to meI just want to.. kill myselfStop saying easy Its so mean it hurts my feelings Its not a nice thing to say Stop being so rude. What do I do :( My experience online",Depression +19092,Nobody fucking wants me here so what is the point Alone,Suicidal +19093,"When I started having suicidal thoughts, I assumed assumed they would end at some point. I assumed, that a new job, losing weight, having more sex, throwing myself into religion would heal me. But each day the thoughts are stronger.I do not know if I will kill myself but I am tired of feeling like this. Being depressed every day. Only having short bursts of energy.Everything I touch fails, every one I come close to ends up hating me. I hate myself on a consistent basis. I am always trying to change myself. And now I just want to end it all.The worst part is that I cannot speak to anyone about it... No one understands, no one can help. And most people feel a sense of enjoyment from hearing how much better their life is than mine. It really is a prison and there seems to be no way out.Is there anyone who has escaped? Like really escaped? It never ends.",Suicidal +19094,"I am never able to achieve what I want to, no matter how much I might want. It really just shows me how truly useless I am. Why was I made like this? I just do not see how it is possible that I could change. No matter how hard I have tried, I am always brought back to where I had begun. I just want to be happy and pursue my interests, but it seems that could never be. Why is life so difficult? What have I done wrong to make it so? I wish I could know the answer. I do not know what to do. unending failure",Depression +19095,"Someone mentioned I might have melonoma and that was such a freeing thought. I would not have to watch my parents and husband die. I could go first and I could go soon.I am so done that I am not even going to use a throwaway. I do not give a crap anymore.I have been depressed for years. I have been sleepwalking through life for years. I am just so TIRED of the constant struggle and I want to be done with it. I have been looking for a real job for 3 goddamned years and can only find minimum wage work through a temp company. I peaked in the military and that is it. No one seems to want me to come work for them for what I am worth. I have been stuck in this apartment for over 10 years because the rent keeps getting raised and my wages just do not. My husband keeps talking about getting a house but he does not have stable work. Realistically, we are never getting out of here.it is not going to get any better. Hell, I cannot even confirm or deny cancer because I have no health insurance. The temp company I work for gave me heath ins last month, kicking me off of COBRA but have not sent me cards or anything so I cannot even go see someone. I do not even know what doctors this TP covers but I am sure it is nothing. I am done...",Suicidal +19096,goodbye cruel world it is that time again,Suicidal +19097,"Recently I upped my medication and I am hoping to find ways to feel better. Everyone says working out is a great way to do so. However I work 7 Days a week, 10 hours a day, outside. Obviously I very rarely feel like exercising after long and hot days. Yet, I think its time. So how do you all mentally motivate yourself? And although this sub may not be the best place to ask, where do you begin? How Do You Motivate Yourself to Workout",Depression +19098,"What has hoping ever done for anyone? it is just as lazy a way of showing concern for someone as saying you will pray for them or ""god works in good faith"". it is as if taking a few minutes to think of something truly meaningful to say or saying nothing at all is something abnormal. People that use the word ""hope"" in a sentence that is meant to be encouraging are genuinely aggravating",Suicidal +19099,"I really struggle to keep myself alive. I never actually attempted to take my own life. Even if I wished to just die and get rid of all my problems my pain and myself.Every time I was actually considering ending my life I could not because people might get sad I guess. I really love my family but is not there a time where I can just do as I wish? Why do I have to suffer so nobody else does? It feels so unfair. I thought about dying in an accident like driving into a tree or something. It felt like this would be less sad for them then ie poisening myself. So there is no room for them to think that they could have done something different. it is not their fault.. I am just the way I am and it is horrible. Recently I consider even methods like hanging myself even if that was the one I feared the most. I am now 25 and feel suicidal since I was around 15. I tried talking about it but it never went well. Responses like ""it gets better"" or similar things did not help even a bit. After talking about it I wanted even more to just get in my car and just end it.I cannot remember the last time I was happy being alone with myself. I am not sure why I wrote this but it is feels like this is the first time I can talk about it honestly and without hesitation.If you feel suicidal yourself try everything what you can do to find a purpose in life. do not give up after a few months. But if you are beyond that like I am I do not really now what to do. I do not want to encourage suicide, but it seems like my last hope. Is it ok being selfish for just one day?",Suicidal +19100,"At first i wrote to vent. I wanted it all out. that is why i keep coming back here. I do not know what i want right now.I just feel so ... lost. I feel ashamed that i am what i am. I wanted to kill myself. I decided i should not. Just trying so hard to live and just be okay. I want people to talk to me. I want to cry but i cannot. I want to go to sleep but i cannot. I have to study but i cannot. I decide i want to sleep, my head screams that i will not have time to study. i study, my brain screams that I am never going to pass. my eyes say you should cry, i cannot. trying to listen to some minecraft osts to calm myself down, not working. I do not what to do.I guess people have friends to talk to. I just repel everyone away. I do not know what i want anymore.",Suicidal +19101,"I took a break from uploading to YouTube because the editing started feeling like a chore and it was starting to wear me out, and I wanted to do other things like draw and read, but lately I have not been able to do much because I just feel so...lazy. And stuff that usually make me happy cannot distract me much anymore.I suppose this usually happens when I undergo a lot of anxiety or stress, but I dunno man. When I edit videos, it feels like I am doing a crazy ton of work, but in reality the work I do is PALTRY compared to others. And also I feel as if I have less patience and tolerance than other people, and that results in me getting heated and worn out faster.I just want to get out of this hole, man. I want to do things, but I have this weight/numbness thing in my chest that wears me down and makes me want to curl up and do nothing, but at the same time being lazy makes me feel unfulfilled. it is just a lose-lose. I feel lazy and numb",Depression +19102,"Every single day its getting harder, I think about suicide a lot, I use to think about suicide and not want to do it, I was like scared to but now I think about it and I do not even care I just want an easy way out I just want to be done. I am not motivated to do anything I do not even enjoy playing games anymore. My girlfriend broke up with me because of how shitty I was, I never did anything and she was tired of being the only one holding the relationship and after I told her I did not like her how I used to she broke up with me. I do not know how longer I can keep this up, I might be done soon Harder",Suicidal +19103,I am never going to actually be abke to do good things. the world is shite and once your an adult no one cares if you cry or are sad or truly in pain. id rather die when i turn 18. I am killing myself at 18. I want to die and think I have the right to if i want.,Suicidal +19104,"Look you have to through depression alone and you will never heal. It might sound harsh and inappropiate, but its the bitter truth. There is only one thing you can do against it, make it less important or you try to forget it....Now some of you might think I am crazy, but I am not.1. Remember who you areI did like a list once, where I wrote what I like, who my friends are, who really cares about, my favourite food, what makes me smile, what my name is, when I was born, my dreams, my crushes (trust me it was fun) and many more.... I hope you get what I want to say2. Try to love yourself/ appreciate life or what you have I do that everyday. Whenever I see someone in need I help him and I often help people who do not have money, no shelter, not even a family. It makes me realize how lucky I am and on top of that I feel happier (rather than loving someone who does not appreciate you, yes I was once broken by someone, not only once). What you get from these people is love and it makes you feel better.I even played alot with little kids. They give you attention, affection, love and so many things which you do not realize at first sight, but through experience.3. Find something you are passionate aboutThis one of my favourites... the reason I like it, because it keeps you busy, my goal was to stay busy and try really heal from my pain and this helps you alot....Hit the gym, go playing football, chess, swimming or whatever.... just be busy4. KnowledgeEducate yourself as much as possible and read as much as you can.... this shows how much strength and will power you have in you....""real fighters find a way to get through something when there is nothing left in the tank and somehow they pick them self up and get through"" Please give this a read....",Depression +19105,"First of all, I am sorry. I do not have the energy to explain, but I am sorry if this hurts you at all. If you are close enough to want answers and track down this account, you probably already know why. It does not seem like there is anything I can do to protect others from her, but the things that led here are Lucie's responsibility more than anyone else's. I figure there is a decent chance of success with a wrongful death suit, but going after her license does not look like it would be fruitful- I am not sure Heidi would cooperate with an investigation, and there is not enough hard evidence to prove the more serious allegations if she does not. I had thought I had the responsibility to make sure she could not hurt anyone else before I go, but I do not think there is anything I can do. I am not sure it is worth the grief if it will only result in a slap on the wrist, and evidence does not exactly suggest that the board are zealous defenders of responsible, ethical practice. I wish there were anything else on my mind in the end, but I have been trying to dig myself out of this hole for so long, with little else to distract me, and with nothing substantial waiting for me outside of it, that there is nothing else left in this moment but unmet, basic needs. Maybe try to help someone else. Pay attention, offer a hand when you can. Just be present. The small things matter. Should this have a witty title?",Suicidal +19106,"I so deeply wish Dickinsons words were true for me. I am 21, nearly 22. Always straight As, heading to Cambridge next year as part of the exchange program. And I love my studies.My family is quite wealthy, I am currently laying on the beach in Greece in a new swimsuit in a 5* hotel. I guess I am good-looking, in the past few months so many boys have flirted with me. I have a loving and caring family, and I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly. I have many friends, and close ones. I love them so much and we share so many things on such a deep level. Were going on holidays together at the end of the summer. Then what is wrong? Why cannot I survive a day without grams of paroxetine and seresta? Why cannot I sleep without hypnotics? Why cannot I be happy for more than 2 minutes in a row? Why is it so hard to leave my hotel bedroom? Why cannot I do anything but cry on the beach despite all the pills that I have taken earlier? I have two conditions which led to depression. A slight DID (Identity Disorder), which occurs mostly in intensely stressing situations, and abandonment trauma. Leaving my friends led to 2 years of pure hell which I overcame thanks to my boyfriend. Now my boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago, and its been worse. I am a Christian and I honestly think that going to hell would be a sweet relief.Nothing helps but the pills, but I am nearly at the maximum prescription possible. Now my grandad is about to die and I simply cannot see how I will survive another loss.Yet I cannot kill myself, because I do not want my father to bury his father and his daughter on the same day.So I am just stuck in existence, doing whatever doctors and friends tell me to do, and yet still aching so deeply inside even when I do not think. And I feel so bad because all the things that I have, all the help that I get are not of the slightest help against my never-ending and painful fall into the abyss of depression. Please Death, I am begging you, take me into your carriage instead of my grandad. Id love to roam in sovereign woods with you. Because I could not stop for death He kindly stopped for me",Suicidal +19107,"Hello, I am 30 and I do not have a life nor prospects for a career. I was depressed due to abusive parents and the great recession. Then I failed to find a job that would allow me to support myself after I graduated college at 21. I coasted for a year doing odd jobs and several vacations. Soon afterwards I became severely depressed and went catatonic until recently. that is just the background. I was a top 20% student coming out of high school (despite already being depressed.) Although due to self harm as a teenager I have a bad back and knees so cannot do anything where I need to stand or work with my hands. As my mental health continued to decline I had to switch to a humanities major and graduated with a 3.6 GPA. Those circumstances combined with mental health issues leads to where I am at today. I actually spent the pandemic trying to go back to school studying computer science, but I am unable to retain any information. I ended up with a 3.2 GPA and I was only taking 2 courses per semester at a relatively easy school.I was and am an attractive person so I had no trouble getting laid while on vacation several years back. My appearance is not the issue, I look almost the same, I have severe mental health issues that prevent me from having log term relationships with anyone let alone a romantic partner. I am not an incel per say, but not having a social life has had a huge impact on my mental health. (I strongly suggest to most depressed high school students --whose main source of depression is parental/social-- to do whatever it takes to move out after high school.)At this point I am extremely insecure, have no self esteem nor self confidence, I am broke and have no friends. I am being evicted me and so after failing to secure gainful employment this summer have decide the objective choice is suicide. I know I am a complete failure, but I do not believe in myself so I have opened the floor to your input. 30 with no life experience or prospects.",Suicidal +19108,"I am tired of the way things are going.I am a 33 year old trans woman my parents split up when I was 16 my mother kicked me out the same day despite me not wanting to go she told me I am just like my father after wondering around for most of the day my dad called me and invited me to his new place (for context) my dad was a big drug dealer and I did not want to go but I did as I had no other choice.After I left home my mum started spreading false information about me to everyone who would listen and this in turn made me hated by her side of the family after 2 weeks my dad moved out to be with his new partner leaving me alone.He still used me to store his drugs and to sell them at raves for him. I was alone and in desperation i changed who I was to fit in with the people around me I started taking drugs,acting out like they would. This led to me being labeled as a mess and a druggie.After eventually seeing my relationship with my dad for what it was we fell out and because he is incapable of accepting responsibility he told people lies about me which caused the few people I was close with to stop talking to me.After a lot of years me and my mum slowly started sorting out relationship out but she in a state of depression took a overdose while I was at the home, she walked up to me and told me she had taken a overdose and if I loved her I would sit and cuddle with her.I called the ambulance and helped her into the ambulance that was the last time I saw her alive.At 26 I finally came out as transgender and lost the few friends I had made since adulthood I was still hated by anyone who knew my mum or dad.Since I came out as transgender my sister stopped talking to me and stopped me seeing her children because of ""what I might do to them"" the people around where I live went from talking to me to slowly acting horrible to me and eventually calling me names.Now I am 33 I am just tired I thought things would get easier.I have had problems with dizziness for years now and the doctors keep palming me off when before I transitioned they would always be helpful my vision is messing up I have issues with the shape of my corenas but I do not have enough money to do anything about it.I recently got back InTouch with my dad and I thought I would message his step daughter to make sure things were ok with us and that she was s ok calling me by my name and can accept that he is my dad too (she had said she could not call me by my new name and laughed at me in the past) I explained that I have always been good to her and there is no reason she should be horrible to me. I then got messages saying it was my dead mums fault and lots of other nonsense all I wanted was for his stepdaughter to call me by my name you know respect me? So I am sitting here now with no friends no family my vision playing up and feeling dizzy,not able to leave my home because of the fear I will be attacked for being trans I cannot get a move from here and the funny thing is I pass no random people can tell but because I lived here before people know and they tell anyone that will listen.I am so lost things are so hard I just do not know how to do it anymore I have tried everything and it is not helping.I have always been a good person always helped people out always there for people but I get shit on because people see me as a easy target so many people have come back into my life just to get something and then leave There is so much I have not gone in to detail on I hope this makes sense I do not know what I am posting this for I will probably just get abuse for posting I do not know I am just lost and need something or someone I just need help I do not know how anymore I just do not know how to deal with things anymore it feels like I have lost the ability to just smile and carry on",Depression +19109,"Like, exactly title. I am just done, I do not care for anything and I want to end it. This may be painful to read but nothing in my life gives me pleasure anymore apart from small things that have nothing to do with me. Its like I fucked myself over w/o even knowing about it. I need something to live for but I cannot find it, please help me. I feel like I cannot anymore",Depression +19110,"Ok soSomehow all the unhealthy junk food and excessive alcohol binging I have endured the last (almost) 25 years has not killed me so like, congrats I guess.MY BIRTHDAY IS JULY 19th!I have anxiety over birthdays, both out of being extremely nervous for numerous reasons but mostly because birthday songs are cheesy as fuck and I hope no one ever decides to torture me with a surprise birthday song because I *will* sweat. Alot. ANYWAYS my mom was nice enough to surprise me with a ticket to San Juan because I never leave my house and I think I freaked her out over my Covid-19 related loneliness isolation suicide jokes but I love dark humor. Also do not know if I was joking but like, whatever I can still blink and that is a good sign so moving on -(First of all I have never been on a plane) so, feel free on giving me advice on how 1. How not to be a pussy over heights and 2. What to do to help me not sweat. Alot. (I sweat alot when I am freaked out btw cannot help, sorry)Secondly, Hotels are pretty damn cheap in Puerto Rico, so thank (he/him/they/religion if you are into that/the universe if you are into that) for that because I fucking suck when it comes to money even though I have a shit job so that is always nice.ANYWAYS I want to try to atleast enjoy leaving the US for my first time because like what the fuck I was not expecting a surprise trip because honestly no one ever does anything nice for me and that seems excessive af LMAO (But its a gift from my birth giver so, I guess I get it).Anyways, I am like *usually* always broke as shit (financially, only sometimes mentally), and what better way to try and get extra spending as a Gen Z worker than (first, blaming the economic inequality and baby boomers for being baby boomers) but to also ask strangers over the internet for money WOO! (Judge me, please because like who does that other than me from now on). Secondly, (again I do not think I have ever heard someone say thirdly) I am a firm believer of doing work for money, so () here is a short poem out with random things I see around my room as the last word in each line for anyone who decides to chip me $1 or $5 or whatever the hell ya want honestly! My head hurts and my fire alarm is going off, so when I say short I mean very little effort and shorter than you expected so here because I do not want to burn alive 4 days before me day of birth if its a real fire:From the lamp on my leftTo the lamp on my right (I love Amazon lamps)I am afraid to flyAnd my bulbs do not light(One lamp does ok give me some cred)As I lay on my bedThe alarm goes offMy tv is too loudAnd I am holding in a cough(FIN)Ok awesome, love you all, drink a ton of water, remember to give me flying tips, lemongrass oil scents help anxiety, oil diffusers are cheap on Amazon so get one, stay safe, take care of yourselves ok! Bye (also included a pic of Beyonc that I edited because HAHAHAHA wow I love her) peace! Birthday anxiety induced suicide thoughts yay",Suicidal +19111,So fucking bad. To tired of this world and tired of fucking existing. And I am just fucking tired. So much mental pain that I am in physical pain too. And nobody cares. there is no fucking point to living I swear. I swear to fucking god I want to kill myself so bad right now,Suicidal +19112,"I have (21F) have struggled with Major Depression for the past five years. The past couple weeks since I quit my $8 job ($8/hr as an assistant manager. it is laughable) I saw a big lift in my depression and things were looking up. Then I started my new job. I was excited at first to be back in an industry I loved back when I first entered the workforce (hospitality), but after my first day I remember the reality of working.The concept of working my ass off forever just to survive makes me sob uncontrollably. I cannot stop thinking of how I have no control over my life because I am forced to work to feed myself. And as an anti-capitalist I know the solution but it will not happen for a long time. So I feel stuck. The usual, boomer advice to ""just get a new job!"" Absolutely does not work. I have worked in just about every industry; entertainment, hospitality, retail, customer service, physical labor, and more, and it is all the same. I see no way out. No end in sight",Depression +19113,Life was great while I was in inpatient. I felt like I was finally getting the tools to cope with life. I spent a month in there and felt everything was finally coming together. I am on my second day out in the real world and everything is crashing down again. I cannot stop ruminating and thinking about killing myself constantly. I scream and yell at myself constantly. I have constant nightmares. I truly hate myself and everything about me. I just feel completely incompatible with life I wish somehow I could just cease to exist. Nobody gives a shit and I am truly alone with nothing but these horrible thoughts everyday. Out of inpatient and nothing seemed to change,Depression +19114,No one will miss me anyway I wish I had the balls to just do it already,Suicidal +19115,The worst part of my day is waking up. I am so tired and have no desire to leave my bed. Waking up is the worst,Depression +19116,"Depression sucks ass, every time my friends have been there for me. The amount of times they have been there for me, I thank countless times. I hope they know because of them, I am still here. I just want to hug them and tell them how much they mean to me countless times but do not want to be annoying.How do you show toue gratitude? Thankful for the support of my friends",Depression +19117,My mom told me she wishes I was aborted. My step dad is an alcoholic who always attacks me and when I fight back he calls the cops on me and they take his side. I feel like I have no future i can barely talk to people without having a panic attack. My cat is the only thing can talk to. I tried to kill myself twice and failed. I feel useless I do not think i can do anything with my life. I am a 16 year old male who is failing school have no friends or talents. Honestly do not know what to do .,Depression +19118,I want my family to notice the extent of my depression. Not to think that I am better now because I am not. I am still depressed. Just because I smile and lie to them everyday does not mean I am okay. I just want someone to see beyond my fake smiles. I just want someone to notice I am not feeling okay,Suicidal +19119,"All this pain over one woman who I cannot stop dreaming about, but will never haveI just go home and sit alone, wondering what we could beHer eyes just sparkle, But she will never be mine Just end me already My loneliness is going to end me",Depression +19120,"I am talking about fully recover not like ""dealing with it"" or ignoring it. Can you recover from being depressed?",Depression +19121,"I miss my home, but my home is destroyed, I am from a small town in Venezuela, the president of the country set regulations for everything on the basis of socialism, what ended up happening was that private companies could not produce and make a profit while selling at the prices the government forced them to, there is no toilet paper, no rice, no pasta, no toothpaste, no food, you cannot buy bread because there is no flour, the only companies producing are the companies the government took and they can afford to sell at those prices since they are subsidized by the oil prices, and as you can imagine, they often fluctuate, This crisis caused over 5.4 million Venezuelans to leave the country since the so-called ""Revolution"" started, current politicians cannot travel to the US because they are investigated for their relations with Drug Cartels, I grew up in a city where I used to see every week trucks loaded with dead bodies of people who would try to go to the mines for gold and would get murdered in there as this is a territory controlled by the military which can do whatever they want since they are backed up by the government which gets their cut of the gold and diamond supply,It hurts me how some people in the country where I live is deeply convinced we have everything in Venezuela or talk greatly about our president when I have friends who were murdered or incarcerated for literally twitting against the regimen, If you are wondering why we do not protest like Cuba is doing right now, a little history lesson for you, every time we do it, the president sends the military to murder us, the internet is loaded with pictures of this, to give you one example of the most brutal one, we had this member of the military who tried to reveal against the government, his name was scar Alberto Prez, they tracked him down and killed him with a rocket launcher, yes, you read that right, they threw a missile to the hose where he was staying with woman and kids. USA, Canada and other countries imposed sanctions on the Politicians about 2 years ago freezing their assets and bank accounts, and people all over the internet talks about how the USA is doing bad to Venezuela, this drives me nuts, if you know anything about the Venezuelan history, at least respect our country by realizing that Chavez and Maduro have done more damage to us than the USA has. We do not see a light at the end of the tunnel,it is hard to see the place where you grew up to go from the promised land to complete decadence. I miss my home, but there is no more home, my story as an immigrant from Venezuela.",Depression +19122,"I have a friend who is really extroverted and always smiling but has these short random moments of suicidal thoughts and death. It started around an year ago and slowly became more and more prevalent. She would say dark things jokingly when it is clearly not funny. E.g. ""would not it be funny if i had a bath with a toaster."" ""I wonder how many people would come to my funeral if i died lol."" I have also noticed she does risky things like run through traffic without looking and speed a lot more. Also her brother died in a motorcycle accident an year ago but she would never seem sad about it and sometimes casually brings up his death like she is talking about the weather. All my friends say she is just an emo wannabe and she is fine but I am like 60% sure she is really depressed and thinking about suicide. What can i do about this? What to do when you are not sure if a friend is suicidal or not?",Depression +19123,"Jobs, friendships, love, money. Its all based on what value you were born with and what value you accumulated. there is no such thing as love, its just a transaction based on your attractive features, just like you would buy a phone with the best screen quality or whatever. I am just an object, with certain value being prescribed to me by this social economy. This is not a game I want to play. I wish so badly I could die so I did not have to be a part of this isolating, objectifying game. Every good experience in human life is transactional. Call me innocent, but I do not want to live in a world where everything is an economy based on my value.",Depression +19124,"tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc less than 6 months left for me to live, as i plan to die b4 2022.",Suicidal +19125,"I have a list of things and situations that really hurt me and I cannot move on from. I am severely depressed now and diagnosed with social anxiety and general anxiety and everything just sucks now. I am 22F and I have 0 friends, I have never been in a relationship and just generally I am a complete failure. Anyway, here is the list, if anyone knows any ways how to move from all of this, please let me know because I have tried almost everything. Repeatedly being laughed at because of my clothes, hair, nose. Being ignored when trying to say something Being laughed at during oral exams in middle school Teachers talking to other students about me when I was literally sitting right there I have had words such as stupid bitch, etc written all over my notebook that I left at school Everyone used to sit around my desk and made stupid comments about me during every break Being ridiculed in every P.E. class for whatever movement I have made Whenever I got a good grade, everyone being sarcastically surprised and making comments about it Being ridiculed for eating a lot during breaks Being laughed at for being poor (ironic since I was not) Coming to school after being sick and everyone yelling insults at me Constant comments about my looks and calling me ugly Everyone always watching me at school to see something they could pick up on Classmates throwing pieces of paper at me with nasty words written all over it No one ever standing up for me Dad saying I am not pretty enough Dad commenting on the size of my nose Being ignored by multiple people when being out with friends on multiple occasions Coming to high school and everyone whispering about me on the first day Classmates saying that the whole class was great before I came to the school No one wanting to become friends with me Always sitting alone at lunch Coming to new class, and my former elementary school classmate who had not seen me for 5 years telling everyone in the group chat that they all have a problem because I was coming in as a new student Having no friends at all at school for 2 years Being laughed at for always being on my phone (what was I supposed to do when nobody talked to me) My best friends mum telling me that I smell bad and like an onion (after I went to visit my friend who lived miles away and I just got off the plane after 9 hours) A teacher (that was not my home room teacher), pulling me out of class to talk to me in the halls about why I do not have any friends The same teacher humiliating me in front of the whole class because I have no friends and saying that I am not normal The same teacher telling me that Ill never find a job The same teacher talking behind my back with another teacher about me multiple classmates writing that I am wired on a piece of paper for a game (where everyone had to anonymously write what they think of the other classmates) Another teacher talking with my classmates during a school trip and telling them that I am weird and that she is surprised that my parents even let me go on the school trip alone Dad saying out loud in front of family that he thinks I will not graduate from high school (and then saying the same thing about university after I have graduated from high school) A family member (that does not even know me well) saying that I most certainly have a mental illness (saying it as an insult in front of my whole family) Dad saying that I will most certainly get pregnant before I finish high school (ironic since I have never even had a boyfriend) People constantly talking behind my back at my new school A classmate telling me that my hair is terrible Classmates staring at me and talking about me during lessons Classmates saying behind my back that I am a psychopath Two classmates not wanting to be in a pair with me for an activity in class (on two different occasions) and then saying that they would rather get an F than be in a pair with me (and they did) A classmate taking pictures of me during P.E. classes Classmates laughing at me during P.E. A classmate laughing at me because I did not straighten my hair When a teacher complimented my makeup look, all of my classmates were like she wears makeup?? when I most certainly did wear makeup everyday A teacher laughing at me for crying (I was crying because my grandma passed away) The same teacher reminding me of the one-time crying almost every single lessons for the rest of the year and humiliating me Best friend telling me my hair is terrible and telling me to change it A classmate pointing out that I have a big nose None of my classmates wanting to be roommates with me on a school trip, to the point I had to pay extra money for a single room My driving instructor saying that hes had a lot of different types of student but hes never had anyone as bad as me. After a friend did my makeup and hair at school, another classmate said that this is called an extreme transformation even when I looked almost the same. a teacher told me I did everything completely wrong and that she is never had a student as bad as me before (even though I had mostly Bs and Cs in this class and some people literally had Ds or Es which is clearly worse) classmates talking about me as soon as I leave the classroom during every single break a teacher telling my classmate that my hair is horrible and damaged and then the whole class laughing about it my dad saying that I am stupid despite my grades being mostly all As and some Bs.. however my brother is really smart in his eyes even though he almost failed half of his classes Basically after all of this, my confidence and self-esteem is below 0 and I feel like I cannot move on from all the things that happened even though most of them happened a long time ago. Idk what to do anymore. :(Also thanks to anyone who found the time to read all of this, I feel like I really need another perspective or something idk feel like I cannot move on from things that happened in my childhood like being bullied in school or treated unfairly. What should I do?",Depression +19126,"This is just my experience, I do not know whether anybody else is the same. I find that the things that would give me a jolt of hope, a spark, are not the grand or important things, but rather trivial ones, mostly connected with my interest. it is not the thought of giving away my daughter when she married some one that kept me going, but the thought that I really wanted to see how MCU phase 4 pans out.it is not the thought of seeing my kids graduate or do something with their lives, but the thought that I might see my team the Phoenix Suns winning the championship in a few days.Sometimes I felt guilty because it seems like movies and sports are more important than family, but it is just how it is with me. And I will take anything I can get to stay the course. The things with the family become the end result, not the motivation. The things that keeps you going",Depression +19127,"I think I am depressed. I decided to type out and share some of my feelings and thoughts in order to get them off my chest and to hopefully receive some helpful advice or encouraging words from one of the people reading this.I was raised as a Christian and I was a believer until my early teenage years. Then, a relative of mine passed away, very suddenly, from cancer. She was still in her thirties. It made no sense to me. She was a very generous, sweet, hospitable, warm and loving woman. It made me question if there is a god and why he would allow something like this to happen to such a good person. The death of my relative turned me into a bit of a hedonist. My reasoning: Why would I do tedious things, if something like this can happen to anyone? What is the point in studying for a boring test when I could die tomorrow? I knew that the chances of me dying were slim, but there are never guarantees.Then, I identified as an agnostic atheist for a few years, before I finally became an atheist a few years ago. I am now at a point where I believe our existence is merely a coincidence. We are just descendants of monkeys on a tiny blue rock and the unfortunate tragedy is that we can reflect on our own existence. I am the kind of person who tries to make sense of everything. I usually try to be as unbiased as possible and to use facts in order to form my opinion. That is why it is so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that life is very unfair and random.By making smart choices (living healthily, working hard, etc.), you can only increase your chances of living a good life, but there are no guarantees. Our 1 and only life is a game of chance, which is a truth that is hard for me to fathom.The state of the world pisses me off too. Why the fuck is there still racism? Why are LGBTQIA+ people still being treated unfairly? Why are we allowing capitalism, overconsumption and greed to completely destroy our planet? Why are there billionaires? Why are millions of people starving, while others care about buying the latest clothes and gadgets? How am I supposed to care about school when these problems still exist? Perhaps I am just a sensitive little bitch, idk.Speaking of being a bitch, I fucking love my parents and I cannot stomach that someday, they will die. I start crying even just thinking about losing them at some point in the future. I genuinely believe they are some of the best human beings on the earth. I have thought about suicide but I do not think I would be able to do that to my parents, who are my everything. So the harsh reality is that either I will lose them, or they will lose me. So, if I do not want to commit suicide, it is inevitable that I will lose my parents at some point (if I manage to live that long) and that I will have to continue to live life on a planet full of greed and hate. A life that is inextricably linked to suffering. I have heard people say time and time again that life IS suffering, but even when that is seen as a universal truth, that does not mean that it becomes easier to accept that truth. That truth does not suddenly become easier to bear.I have briefly read about Camus (and the myth of Sisyphus) and while I agree with his worldviews and the absurdity of life, I cannot really see myself following the example of Sisyphus. I cannot see how I could accept having to roll the boulder up the hill for the rest of my life.For a few years, the idea of building a legacy intrigued me. What if I could make art or start institutions that could stand the test of time. My name would be cemented in history. Then, I had a shocking realisation. When I die, I will not be there to enjoy the legacy I built. I do not know what to do. I still enjoy sports, hedonism and other forms of escapism, but only because they allow me a temporary escape from life's inherent suffering. Perhaps I am a 'pussy' or a 'coward' but I honestly cannot take it anymore. This existence is overwhelming. Fed up with this unfair and cruel world and life's inherent suffering",Depression +19128,"The other day. ""Depressive"" emotions overwhelmed me. Shrugged them off like other thoughts and moved on. Later. I realized, I cannot.Processing thoughts in itself become hard. Much less, insignificant habits of not wanting to do anything. I wished it remained there.... it did not.I had begun traversing to unknown territory, desiring the comfort of non-existence. Cherished this thought like it is home for me. Normalizing ""Wanting life"" is like crying from a happy dream. it is never reality.do not get me wrong, suicide is not in my options. Me dreading existence is not me loving human death. Experiences in life are precious. Feelling emotions which a rock cannot feel is a merit(kind of). I love happiness but feel burdened by my past, my experiences and my existence. To embracing the hypothetical world of no me. Daydreaming the no-ever-was-here. IDK. Therapist is not an option either. I am 19 dependent on my parents who I tried to get me checked up for ADHD, but received my very-happy news of me possessed and should real the holy book etc. -_- Am I really depressed?",Depression +19129,Update: umI have insomnia And i overthink which are symptoms of depression and anxiety which my friend told me that i had some bad memories from the pastAnd I thought about it and he was rightI do have bad memoriesLike parents arguments Parents hating on homeless peopleMe getting bulliedAbusive friendshipsU might be thinking that why did not you just leave ur fake friendsThe thing is i have anxiety that is holding me downIve got bullied by my friendsIm the funny one but i struggle alot at home and outaide of school and people just do not realize itI hate seeing people poor and hungry and me not doing anything about it since I am only 13 and i do not have any money on meI have no friends well i have them but they are fake i just chose them since i dodnt want to be alone my whole life my parents are always busy my siblings are always busy So I am just holding to gods hand and trying to put my head up above water I am just scared that i might get in too deep that at the point i kill myselfnot thinking of the people who loves meIf you know me well enough I am the person that would give you something and not expect something backI hope i could donate to the homelessIm basically a gentle giantSo I am just holding to dear god that he gives me a luck boost for dear lifeIm going to try to not give upLife is hard man. I hope i can get a luck boost someday,Depression +19130,"I am 17, dropped out of high school after never doing my homework and overall just not giving a shit about it. I was lucky enough to have a father who owns a plumbing business and began working for him about 6 months ago. Between now and those 6 months I have done such a shitty job that builders no longer want me coming onto job sites and everyone working there is tired of trying to teach me to me better. Yesterday my brother, who is also an employee of the company said that everyone was tired of dealing with my shit, and I should check an make sure if this is what I want to do. So I tried to talk to my dad this morning about it, and it completely blew up in my face. I have ruined the final opportunity I have had, and I feel like I have no other option than to just rid myself from these peoples lives. All of my friends would not care either, I have always been just the extra, so what is stopping me? I ruin everything for everyone",Suicidal +19131,Is there anyone else who feels like getting depressed again is somewhat like going back to home in a weird way?? Its just me. Okay. Got it. I will take my leave then. Is there anyone??,Depression +19132,Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. These thoughts are too much for me. Every day it is the same thing. Constantly. I cannot stop thinking these stupid fucking thoughts. Throughout every day and especially at night I have depressive and suicidal thoughts. At night it takes me hours to fall asleep because I cannot stop thinking about ending it. I have tried to distract myself by playing videogames but I have anhedonia so I just get bored and keep thinking the thoughts. I cannot focus on anything. Get out of my head.,Depression +19133,"I am in a dark place, lots of thoughts of suicide and/or just walking till I die. I am losing my grip on reality. I do not know who I am. I think I cannot die. When nothing matters does it even exist. Do we even exist. I have been diagnosed ocd and depression but that was a decade ago. I have wanted to die my whole life. Recent trauma is causing me extra pain and its why I am losing my grip on reality. Can anyone relate to this? Especially the losing touch with reality. Am I supposed to know I am this out of it? Am I just full of shit? Losing touch with reality",Depression +19134,"I have been wanting to kill myself for over a year now. I have such bad social anxiety that the thought of talking to people gives me stomach cramps and makes me close to vomiting. I am also totally alone , no friends and no partner. I used to be attractive and I used to be fairly popular. I was in good shape before covid and I had friends. Now I am fat , ugly and socially retarded. My ultimatum to myself is 3 months to lose as much weight as I can , force myself to be social and try to re learn how to talk to people and try and get a girlfriend to love. If I fail , I will take my own life on the 14th October. An ultimatum",Suicidal +19135,So I am a 24 year old virgin guy and I am just too shy to talk to girls and its become even more awkward now that I am so old yet still a virgin. I have decided to give online dating a go but I have had absolutely no luck because almost everyone is a bot or does not reply to me (I am an ugly mf and I am boring so I do not blame them) Anyway I have given myself 3 months (till I am 25) to turn my life around and get in a relationship and lose my v plates etc so was just wondering what other people would do knowing they only have 3 months to live before they potentially self-forever-sleep. And yeah I am serious about the suicide part. My only friend already talked me off a train bridge just a month ago by saying everything will get better and everyone has problems etc but being a lonely virgin is not something you can just 'fix' overnight (well it is but you get the point haha) and yeah I am not going to be a 25 year old virgin because next thing I will be a 26 year old virgin and so on. What would you do with 3 months left before suicide?,Suicidal +19136,"I am afraid to tell my therapist. And my husband. I know I would never go through with it, but this is not a new thing. I have had suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts of self harm off and on for quite some time. Just last night I was cooking, and as I picked up a knife I thought what if I just jam this into my neck? I had a panic attack a few weeks ago and I started to think about cutting myself, but then I thought about my husband and if he had seen what I would have done. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this and I need to get it off my chest. I do not want to be sent to a psych ward. I am not an immediate danger to myself or anyone else. I have a long history of depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Some times I feel like life just is not for me. I have gotten everything I have wanted so far, but I still have this void. I am still not content. I just cannot take it. I am afraid to tell anyone I have been having suicidal thoughts.",Depression +19137,"I am here to talk if you need help HAHAHAHAA AHAHAH AHA H HHAH A HA HAH AH AA HA HAHAHAHA AH HH H HA HA HAHAHAA HWGHAHAHAH ""I am here to talk if you need help""",Depression +19138,If someone wants to kill themselves for whatever reason why does everyone else feel entitled to insist they keep living even though they are clearly suffering and do not want to carry on. Why do people try to stop a suicide?,Suicidal +19139,"Going to my step dad's empty place. I know there will be many bottles here and there. Full, mid or empty. I wonder what it will be like if I were to drink them until I pass out. Drown all my sadness in alcohol. Would that work? Do I want to? I do not like drinking and my stomach turns after a few glasses. But deep down I wish that if I were to do something stupid, someone would find me pass out and worry about me. I wish my mom would find me. I wish she would see how lonely I feel. I wish to feel her care about me, and that she would realize how sad I am.Being 23 but still wishing for attention like a toddler. Perhaps it is because I never acted this way before that I want to do it now. Just stupid ideas in a stupid head. Mom. I hate me too. I want to drown in alcohol",Depression +19140,"I have suffered from reccurent abdominal pain for years, and it has steadily gotten worse. It wakes me up every night so that I only get 2-3 hours of sleep. Ill spend the rest of the day in a zombie like trance, too tired to focus and too in pain to rest. I pay almost 300 dollars a month in health insurance but I cannot afford to have this fixed. To get the initial procedures done to diagnose my condition it will cost at least $8000. that is not including the actual surgery, follow up treatment, and medication. that is basically all the money I have in the world. On top of that, my work performance has been declining along with my health. I just found out that my work is training someone to take my position. So even if I paid for the procedures I will still likely lose my shitty job, which is still the only job I have ever had that has allowed me to save any amount of money in my 30 years of life. I can only save about 200-300 a month with my current job, which I have only had for a year. Before that I lived hand to mouth since I was 18. I had hoped I could spend the meager amount of money I have saved on supporting myself while I went to college, so I could get a better job, so I could afford to pay for things like surgery. On top of all this, my car, which took me 4 years to save up for, has broken down, leaving me without transportation to find a new job. Its like a bad movie with no real lesson at the end. The pain from my condition has affected everything from my work to my relationships to my personal fulfillment. I cannot go out with my few friends to enjoy life, or meet new people, because i am always lethargic and struggling with pain, not to mention my appearance has become ghoulish as years of lack of sleep have caught up with me, driving away any new potential friends. I do not want to die but I am so tired. All I want to do is go to sleep. I am sick and there is nothing I can do to fix it.",Depression +19141,"I have not been sleeping for 8 hours a day for the few months. I sleep at 3 am in the morning and wake up in the afternoon. But in the evening, I do not feel sleepy or tired. I do not know if it is insomia or a sleep disorder. I cannot sleep early, because of it. My head hurts and I do not feel the need to eat sometimes. Have someone experience this here? Does depression relates to bad sleeping habits?",Depression +19142,I feel like the only thing that adds value to my relationship as a man is my job. That as a man I am only worth my paycheck. If I do not have a job I cannot see my kids my fianc will leave me. I hate where I work. Its keeping me from seeing my therapist. I have to work over till 5 every day and my therapist can only see me in the mornings. I get pointed even if I have a doctors note. I am really feeling down. I do not get any support from anyone. My fianc tells me to stop being a pussy. I do not know how much of this I can take at this point. I feel so broken. I feel aa though I have no value.,Depression +19143,"I am a mess, i fuck up all the time and i cannot do this anymore. i thought i could maybe hold on for a little longer but everything is just so hard, i cannot handle all of this, my pretty good friend from the psychiatric hospital is struggling and i cannot do anything to help them, I am so hopeless. i just want to end it all, i kind of have a plan but i need to leave my house to accomplish it and its so hard. i wish i could just disappear i really want to kill myself so badly",Suicidal +19144,"I am here to talk if you need help HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWEAHAEHAHAHAHAHAHAAN HA HAN SAGHAH ""I am here to talk if you need help""",Suicidal +19145,"I stopped taking my medsI stopped talking to all but maybe two peopleI've stopped eating more than a meal a dayI quit my jobIve given upI just want to waste the rest of the way away. I do not care anymore, I am so tired.. I am so done with trying to exist in a world where everything is not good enough, where someone will always hate you, was born to hate you without even knowing you.. because we are just a spiteful, petty species.. I will not sleepI hate sleepingEverytime I sleep I dream of a better life. I dream that I do not have to worry about the things that exist now. I dream that my ex lever left meI dream so deep that it feels real, it feels like weeks or months go by in my life.. And when waking up pulls me back, it only makes me that much more sick of everything.. I am tired of trusting people.Tired of relying on peopleTired of saving money from a job I hatedTired of billsTired of responsibilityTired of living every day at work just to make sure I survive until next payday.. I am so fucking tired of everything anymore.. and I just want to be free if it all.. I am self destructing and I do not want to stop",Depression +19146,"I do not know what to do. As most of you know staying at a psych ward is extremely expensive. I do not want to go to geisinger, as they do not give a shit about you and treated me like trash when I was in a ward last. But I am extremely suicidal, and I cannot handle it anymore. I have been suffering for years and no matter where I go or what I do I cannot function. My mom is telling me I need to go to the emergency room and I can tell them to take me somewhere besides geisinger. she is working and too busy to take me. On the other hand, my dad is worried about money and he is set on the fact that psyche wards are prison, as he has been at one....I just....I do not know what to do. Are there any places that can be fully covered by insurance or anything at all that I can do? I do not feel safe being alone and I have no other options left. Please, someone, just help me.I am struggling severely with Depression, Hallucinations, Anxiety, social anxiety, and panic disorder...and i cannot work at all due to these issues and I am having trouble being ""self sufficient."" Its embarrassing and obviously you need money to live....I have a therapist and a psychologist but they really are not helping like...at all. Meds for years have never worked. Countless therapy and psychologist appointments. Nothing. (I live in Pennsylvania and I have Blue Cross blue shield insurance. If anyone had any success getting fully covered or found a place that really helped them please feel free to comment.) Please help me",Suicidal +19147,"Just what am I going to do in those few more weeks of boredom and not knowing what to do? I have no plans but I feel like I should come up with something. How do I get through the summer holidays without degrading even more? I would almost like to just skip the holidays and go to work, get out there and hopefully improve my mental state What the hell am I going to do in the summer holidays",Depression +19148,i cannot understand my mind i do not care about my body nor i listen to it. I am not good at being a person I cannot be around people to recover but being all alone would not make it any better. There is no way out for me here other than suicide.I do not want this to be real but I feel like the universe does not really have an other choice for me. I doubt it ever did. I am not good at being a human,Suicidal +19149,"I feel like I have never been able to sit down and be myself in front of a counselor. I always feel the need to come in with a positive can-do attitude because I am afraid of them thinking that I am wasting their time if I tell them ""I want to change but I do not have the energy and I always fail so why bother?""I have been in the same state since 2013 when my depression started. No one feels bad for me because I have to prove to people that I care about myself enough to not give up otherwise they think I am a martyr or over dramatic. I hate this life. This is waay too difficult. I want to be someone else and have their problems instead because they seem to be able to get through it better than I can.I am 23 and I am so behind everyone else. This is just my life now. No one loves me and I am not interesting enough to hold a conversation for longer than a minute without feeling uncomfortable. I feel like my only option left is to abuse my body with alcohol until I die alone. I have never been vulnerable around my counselor.",Depression +19150,I am tired up seeing by best friends returning to the people that have hurt them multiple times before and then getting hurt again and again. I cannot even talk to them about my issues with getting baker acted and getting left without anyone i know for a week. People always say I am faking but i do not know why anyone would fake this shit. Long story short i cannot anymore and i want to go. Please help. I just...i do not know anymore,Suicidal +19151,Depression over the past 2 months made me not brush my hair at all and I had to cut most of it off. Feels like shit but at the same time at least there is no more knots and matted hair. Rip like 70+% of my hair,Depression +19152,"I have been feeling unmotivated for this past few years, not really knowing what to do with my life. Suicide has always been an option for me. A way out of this mess I call life. There are times when I feel motivated to set my life straight and be better, but this is only a fleeting moment. I really do not know how to be myself anymore, what I want and what I need. I grew up trying to please everybody around me just to feel needed, to be seen. I really want a painless way out.Is it normal even to have suicidal thoughts?",Suicidal +19153,"I am positive my addiction to screen time is causing my depression and I have no desire to stop my 16+ hours of daily screen time.I have read what I need to do and tried to get help locally (I hate online therapy) but there is no services for screen addiction locally. I live in a small Canadian city. there is AA and Narcotics Anonymous but nothing for screen addiction.I am not enjoying things I used to. I have read the dopamine levels I get from screen time is so high its difficult to come off that so I can enjoy normal things.I want to enjoy watching my kids play, games night with friends, having a conversation with my husband, going for walks or watching a live show. But if I do those things I just think about being on my screens. And its not like I do anything productive online. I browse Facebook, Reddit, Twitter. Check my email, bank account, play words with friends and Pokmon go. You would think its ridiculous I could spend over 15 hours a day doing stuff like that, but I do. I am positive my addiction to screen time is causing my depression.",Depression +19154,"A friend of my friend committed suicide today and he is devastated.I also have had a friend pass on from hurting themself but I had no support from anywhere. Because of that I have no idea what would have made it feel better as, honestly, I am not even sure how I dealt with it.I know there is not a lot of words to be said or things to actually do but sitting in silence does not feel right (although I know sometimes silent support is all that is needed).If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do/say, it would be greatly appreciated. How do I properly support my friend after his friends suicide?",Suicidal +19155,"It has been a long time since I have come here and I saw it as a good thing. Things have been getting better and better and then they just stop. I keep seeing relationships all over the place including how much my sister and my brother in law love each other and it makes me realize I will probably be alone forever. I am trying to join the army so I can better myself as a person but I cannot stick to a diet because I cannot resist the temptation of eating my feelings away. I was staying off marijuana but smoked a bunch last night even though I need to pass a urine test. I may have screwed myself. I want to be better but I have not been able to make solid attempts. I am so tired of being alone, and my family always asking me when I am going to get out there to meet someone. I cannot stand it anymore. This was good to vent so anyone who reads all the way through thanks I appreciate it. Its nice to know that someone in the world is interested in what I have to say. Been a while need to vent",Depression +19156,"I am turning 33 in few months. I have been jobless for years. I do not have any friends or social life. Had chronic disease since I was 4 and it only getting worse as I grow older. My health condition makes it harder for everyone around me. I thought about suicide at times but too coward of doing it. I do not know how long I could survived financially, but eventually I will have to do it. I am getting older....",Suicidal +19157,"""Have you made plans to end your life?""This a question that comes up in PHQ-9 or similar questionnaires that aim to quantify depression. Other questions include ""Have you attempted suicide in the past?"" and ""Do you know how you would end your life?"". The objective of these questions is to pigeonhole people that claim to be suicidally depressed into subcategories so you can focus on the most urgent cases.My question is, what sort of plans are they referring to? Other than obviously the actual act.Maybe a note?Updating your will?Saying goodbye to people?Doing key things ""one last time""?Giving away items of sentimental significance?What other plans might they be referring to? Discussion on the PHQ-9 Question ""Have you made plans to end your life?""",Suicidal +19158,"**I have not been myself for months** and no body noticed,I am not exaggerating frequent thoughts of ending it all once feels like a kid in a candy store,cannot get myself together,cannot live up to myself,just feeling empty, EMPTY AF,***nobody to talk to nobody to care,alone with myself in this lonely lair***. :( Its hard to be HAPPY",Depression +19159,"I have started shitting the past week some black black shit, like am talking as black as it can get, i searched it up and its most likely from internal bleeding, and it looks like 90% of internal bleeding can because death in the first couple of weeks, so if someone here have any medical knowledge on whether this bleeding is within the 90% or not i would appreciate this very much. Will it be quick and painless or would it be long and painfull",Suicidal +19160,"I feel like that is a sign. The only thing that is been keeping me going right now is the fact that I rent a house with friends and I would not want to put the burden of extra rent on them if I was gone. I have tried mindfulness, talking to friends/family, and therapy. Nothing really helps and the overwhelming feeling I have most days is to just end it. I have felt this way since childhood - when I was 9 I put a knife to my chest a few times but got scared. Not sure what kept me going up until now (27). I felt like things started turning around in my early 20s. I worked out and had a good body, got attention from women, a good job. Women only talk to me because I am good looking. Once they realise I suck at conversations, I get ghosted. I somehow managed to get my first girlfriend when I was 26. We broke up this year - she was toxic and manipulative. During the relationship I lost all interest in my hobbies, gained 30lbs, rejected from every job I applied for. I am being taken for granted at my current job, barely sleep, eat like shit, and just have no motivation to continue any more. I tried so hard and it all just came crashing down on me. I dreamed that I committed suicide the way I always planned and it felt good",Suicidal +19161,"I have so many people that love and cherish me but yet i feel so lonely, i feel like a blank canvas unworthy of love and i have no interest in anything anymore. I feel so hopeless for my future and i feel like a disappointment to my family. I am so tired of suffering and being constantly sad no matter what, however i am also topussy to kill myself so i guess i will just stay and suffer in pain until i cannot take it anymore. do not know how to feel anymore about life",Suicidal +19162,"it is been four days now with the same routine. Stay in bed, drink tons of coffee, walk around the house talking to myself and having imaginary conversations with people, browse Reddit and 4chan for hours and go back to bed. I am broke, I cannot keep a job and I do not even want to look for one. I start projects and I quit them after a couple weeks. Been on antidepressants for a year now. I feel like a furniture. My whole family is talking about me. Every time I see a possible way of getting busy on something, 32 yo, jobless, at my worst.",Depression +19163,"You know, I read through this sub sometimes and kind of compare what I think to other peoplesThe intrusive thoughts that I have are mostly because of the fact that I think too much, I guess.I do not get suicidal thoughts because of a dude, or family, or feeling low because of my own disappointments. I look at the world and I see how dark and empty it has become. Like the bad things are outweighing the good, and its not even worth going through troubles of living for it anymore.I used to be joyful. I am talking small excitements and everything. And then BAM, reality happenedBeing sad is okay. You can deal with it and move on, eventually. Being numb is not. Maybe some would agree on this one. Sometimes i ask myself, if you could wipe your memories, would you still think like this?I still do not know the solid answer to that, but I think it has a pointBut hey! Talk about brain chemicals being imbalanced and all right? Lol Who knows. Maybe it will go away, or maybe in a couple months i come here about a big last plan.. Random thoughts because i cannot sleep",Suicidal +19164,i would kill myself right now if i was not such a coward and afraid of it. if there was a button that i could push in order to instantly die without any pain id push it right now. the thought that it would just pass the pain on to my family was the main thing holding me back so far but now I have reached my ultimate limit. i just cannot take all this anymore so i do not care about how my family would feel anymore i would end it right now,Depression +19165,"I felt good. I was happy I thought. But old habits slowly crept back in without me noticing. I stopped cleaning my room, stopped being interested in things, and began to day dream even more than usual. I was slowly sinking back into it. Tonight tho I feel like its hit rock bottom. I have never had a HUGE issue with my body. But recently its all I think about and all I notice about others. I hate myself again. I want to sleep forever again. I want to do anything to escape again. The perfect body waving in my face. As if to mess with me. I hate my body even more than I did during my last depressive episode and I want to fix it. You all are thinking rn just work out and eat well. WELL haha when you depend on food for happiness and a distraction ( idk it just makes me feel good )from your depression even on a diet when I get upset I am quick to binge. When I start a work out routine it starts off well but then I lose interest and want to stay in bed all day and sleep ( as I do with everything nowadays ) and please do not bash me saying I am making excuses. I know its my fault and that is why it makes me so upset. I tell my body JUST DO IT but then I cannot move from bed. This kind of became a rant haha. Sorry about that, point of the story tho I relapsed. I was better. Was.",Depression +19166,"My depression got to a point where I am sick in my stomach literally every day. Its like I am sick of life, the things, my thoughts, the struggles everything.Even if I wanted to do something to get better, physically I cannot do anything because there is this constant feeling of throwing up and feeling bad.Did this happen to anyone? Could you make it better? I am physically sick from depression and I want to die",Depression +19167,"Idk, it makes me feel so sad and alone. I want to push everyone away and disappear forever when I feel like this.Everything always goes ok for the earlier part of the day and then my mood starts to take a huge dip and sad waves keep hitting, bringing along sad memories. I end up crippled in my bed. Evenings",Depression +19168,"I do not understand.&#x200B;I have been bullied when I was a kid for being fat. My mother always protected me, but not in the right way. I used to love her with all my heart. My grandparents live with us. My father used to betray her everyday. I was lonely and got my friends group.&#x200B;Now, at 23 I feel desperate. I do not even understand who I am anymore.I am egocentric, self-centered, selfish. I have weird obsessions. I really do not understand anymore. Had 4 surgeries until I was 17, almost died at 21.&#x200B;Now, years later, I hate my family, all of them.I got a well-paid job, which I hate, even though it is quite easy to do.Got a nice convertible, which gave me a dopamine boost when I bought it, now I just do not care about it anymore.Got skinny, still hate my body.Sometimes my brain switches off and all of suden, instead of feeling anger and selfishness, I feel empty as hell, like i would not care if i fell from a roof.&#x200B;I work everyday as hard as I can pursuing money. I am tired of everything, specially how I function as a human being.I feel that everything's wrong with me. I do not know who i hate or love anymore.&#x200B;My psychiatrist said all of this was my fault. I actually feel I am broken somehow at my core, because well... This is actually how I am. &#x200B;How the hell can you have body issues, anger issues, getting extremely sad all the time, being so selfish, work so much and have objectives all at same time? I feel like everything's wrong with me and I cannot stand myself anymore.&#x200B;Even though I hate how I am and cannot stand it, I keep on being myself because deep down, really deep that is who I am. Broken to the core",Depression +19169,"I am a 26 year old male. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone and a virgin. I do not know what happened really. I basically never asked a girl out properly. Even when a few of them showed interest in me. I even had 2 girls ask me out on their freaking own. I never asked them out myself on a second date. I just do not get it. When I have to do it I get nervous, like I am about murder someone is entire family. Even though it is a completely normal and natural thing to do. I am scared to set up a dating profile too... it is like everyone started dating at 16 and I just got stuck at 12 years old. I feel pathetic for it. The funny thing is all the other aspects of my life is good. I have friends and even ""girl friends"". I have a master's degree and I am building a solid career. I am independent from my parents too... Just this dating aspect of my life is not existent and never was. Most of my friends have girlfriends and boyfriends... Just not me. However as I get older I feel the urge to have kids and a wife. I really want. I think there is nothing more magical then having a strong long marriage with a woman you love and to see your children grow up to be adults. I cannot imagine how happy that would make me. Yet I am not able to do anything to accomplish that. The realization I will never have a wife and kids depresses me more and more as I get older. It will probably eat me alive from within one time. I am writing all this here because suicide has come up in my mind several times and I feel really lonely today in my studio apartment. I want to have a wife and raise a family.",Suicidal +19170,I am such a loser its fucking pathetic. I did not have friends from kindergarden to probably the 6th grade. Everyone either left me for another friend group or just ignored me after they were done with me. I hate existing but i hate when people pretend i do not exist. Its the worst feeling. Even now i feel like an outsider in my current friend group. I can only enjoy taking to about five or so people but i barely see them. do not give me pity i do not want it The worst feeling is feeling alone,Depression +19171,"They create illusions, it is like being in another world without having to worry about anything, they are meant to make you win, to make you feel happy... Why cannot life be like that? Why do i have to lose because of someone else errors? Video games are the only thing keeping me alive.",Suicidal +19172,"First off let me start by saying this is not an admission of planning any incident that is would endanger me, I need to get this all out before I explode. I have hit a dead end in my life now stuck in a minimum pay job that makes me question my existence, cannot bring myself to be happy or even act happy to colleagues, wife or kids, I have tried healthy eating, exercise and meditation and at some point or another it gets Blanche. I am hooked onto opiates, started smoking weed recently and took a line of speed when I got offered it by someone from my work I have never met.Before people say the drug have messed with my head Ill admit that they account for some of the issues by I started along time ago because I lost someone special to me and got stuck to live with the guy who abused her Physically and mentally everyday so that is what I first tried to get away from.They say time is meant to heal but instead it burns deeper than it ever has, my other side or my dark shadow I call it used to be this act I would go into to pretend to be this person who never took any shit from anyone nothing ever got to me, now its like I am the dark shadow every day of every hour. Nothing makes sense any more, I just want to cease to be just stop existing. Nothing to horrible or complex but to just stop altogether. Fuck knows what will happen next, Ill drag myself to work, become my shadow until things get easier but these days it never seems toFuck it Fuck it",Depression +19173,"This has been a theme in my life since the end of school at 18. Big changes scare me, but mostly make me feel really sad and empty. When school ended, friends moved away, life routine changed completely, and I remember feeling a big void in my life/depression for a few years after (my Bachelor experience was not fulfilling and my social life did not progress much).Eventually in 2019 I got an internship and hated it for a couple weeks (again the fear of change). I was wrong. It turned out to be the best thing that had happened to me in years, I got a first work experience, had a routine again, made a great friend and loved the people there. After 5-6 months though it was coming to an end again and that same feeling of emptiness crept up. I started my Masters degree in a new city and again was scared and unhappy for a while. Again, I was wrong. My first semester was good and I made a few decent friends, but did not go out much. The pandemic happened and that was honestly mentally fine for me since there were not many expectations and I was able to talk to school friends online and got great grades/started to deepen my friendships in my new city. 2021 was socially fantastic for me since one of these Uni friends has become one of my best friends and I care about her a ton. There were a lot of stresses this year including writing our thesis and job search, but I consider those positive stresses. Me and her had those two things in common and we would go for drinks/hang out all the time to motivate each other and talk out any problems in our lives.I finished my thesis and therefore my Masters degree (assuming I pass) 2 weeks ago now. That feeling is coming up again and I hate that it is. Despite any stresses, I was so happy these last couple years during my Masters and it feels like life is once again changing just as I am feeling comfortable. My friend is on a 4 week vacation and so that support system is not there right now and she is got a job lined up in a different city (about an hour away) starting in September (that is also my goal in terms of time and even location).It annoys me so much that I feel like this. By all accounts, my life is pretty good. I have got some great friends, I have supportive parents, I have a great education, I am not struggling financially at the moment, and I have got lots of opportunities ahead. That being said, I cannot escape this feeling of emptiness I experience at every big change in my life. I always feel as though my friends have their lives planned out and have no issue keeping to that plan, while I am always unsure about my future and really negative about big changes.Is there anything I can do to see my life differently and see openings as opportunities instead of threats? How do you avoid feeling sad when life changes significantly?",Depression +19174,"Its a genuine question I have had almost all my life. I should probably go to the doctor about it, but life fucking sucks. I feel shitty all the time for no reason. No I do not go down the route of self pity. This is not a pity post I am just going to do some venting. I hate bring alone because here I am stuck with my thoughts. And boy these are some bad thoughts I am having. Am I scared of being alone. Probably. If you do not care oh well I am just some anonymous redditor not that big of a deal. Why do we exist?",Depression +19175,Please help me want to stay alive idk what is going on right now but my life is falling apart and Idk how to motivate myself to go on do not want to become an alcoholic but its the only way I can sleep at all and even then my nightmares plague me in the 2 hours I do sleep Fist time being alone sense one of the worst days of my life,Suicidal +19176,"I just feel so worn out. I put myself out there, I put on a smile like everyone want me to. I rarely do anything for myself. When I do my wife either believes I am being selfish because I disappeared for an hour to do something that makes me feel like myself, or is just completely under appreciated. I ask her about her day every day and I could not think of the last time she asked me. Occasionally Ill let out a little kernel of my day and she will agree with me about whatever emotion I am trying to express. But I am just expected to know all of her coworkers and all the drama. Normally I invite a bunch of people over for the 4th and I just did not have the energy to do it. I invited my best friend and his family over. We made the plans a couple of weeks beforehand. And he forgot he had family coming over so I get it and it the plans became out if his control due to his parents. I get that I truly do but no one makes sudden visits from outside the state. So he knew and just forgot we had made plans. I pretty much talked to him everyday but it never came up.I am just so tired of putting myself out there and just being disappointed by everyone around me. And its not like I have any huge expectations, I just want to feel as important to them as they are for me. I am sure if I ended everything they would miss me, but you miss your socks if you miss placed them as well. The only thing that is keeping me going is my daughter. I grew up without my father (heart attack) and Id rather not continue the cycle. But how long is that feeling going to last? I feel so thin",Depression +19177,I do not have anyone to talk to. I have friends but i do not want to tell them my issues. I feel like ill be a burden. I just want someone to make me feel better. Sometimes i just curl up in my blankets to feel like someone is hugging me. I am so done. I do not want to be like this anymore. I do not think i can handle this anymore. I want to disappear forever. I am tired and lonely.,Depression +19178,"I think I have come to terms that is I am not really balanced when it comes to myMental health. there is a lot of issues, and to put it lightly it really fucking sucks when you found a person that is keeps you grounded and levelled, and they depart your life. Its like your life is a giant hole, and you spend years climbing your way out, falling all the way back down at points. Then someone comes along and grabs your hand, helping you and pulling you up along the way, only for them to slowly start losing grip over time. No matter how much you try to get them to strengthen that grip and no matter how much they assure it they will, they decide to randomly let go. You fall all the way to the bottom and it feels like your forced to just sit there staring up at them everyday. You get to see their life play out while you are stuck at the bottom of a fucking pit. Not knowing if someone else will ever come along , and no amount of cigarettes, alcohol, or pills will help you climb back up. They just help to make their visage at the top a little more blurry. No matter how many of your loved ones offer their hands you refuse, and you dig the hole deeper because you do not want to hurt them like you have been hurt. So that is where I am, at the bottom of this pit that I keep digging deeper, for who knows what reasons. Every time e I try to start the climb out I make progress for a little while and then decide to let go. I wrote up how I have been feeling",Depression +19179,"it is not worth creating any kind of art anymore to me. I used to write a bunch for some reason but it is trash in the landfill, never to met with any eyes or be enjoyed by any. I do not want to die but I do not really want to live either. All of the any possible joy I feel is just temporary and I spend as much if not more of my time in this of mind state. It blows. I never had companionship or anything while everyone else has someone to lean on. I can only lean on a jagged rock or a wall closing in with knives duct-taped to it. Virtually nobody would want me anyway so it is pointless to try to stop said wall. I am so fucking done dude. ...",Depression +19180,"i know its selfish but its not like i feel alive anymore. It does not really matter if I am dead or alive. I am a perv, a idiot, I am not good at anything, i addicted to porn, i used to be such an asshole, i even bullied ppl before, I am just the lowest of the lowest. Even i have a decent fam, or maybe i have a decent friends and a decent life. i just feel like I am such trash that it will be a better if i just die but i feel like i deserve to feel like shit, to suffer this karma, even if dying is just an excuse to run away for the shit i have done to everyone around me :) what is so wrong bout suiciding",Suicidal +19181,"my whole life I have wanted to be a game designer / developer but now that I am going to university for it i realize how fucking awful i am at coding. i think I am just uninterested in developing the game itself because i really suck at that type of thing.I have always been interested in the art / story side of things but this university degree is making me so much more depressed because it is pointing out exactly how bad i am at everything i try to do. even my art is not that great, how do i expect to be a game designer when there is nothing i can do right?it sucks because i really do want to do this, but i cannot code and to me it feels like if i cannot code i cannot call myself a proper game designer / developer. it sucks. but my childhood dream is all I have been living for for most of my life. now that it is being ripped away by the harsh reality that i cannot code for shit, i do not know what I am doing in life anymore. what is the point in carrying on? i feel like giving up on my childhood dream",Depression +19182,I am too nice to people and got taken advantage of several times. Now I am lonely and depressed. I wonder if making the effort to live is worth it. Fucking tired.,Suicidal +19183,"She recently had a stroke and was paralyzed on half of her body and she had been going to rehabilitation. Its been tough for her but me and my family have been supportive and I would FaceTime her pretty often to chat. I had also lost my grandpa on my mums side recently and even though we were not close with each other it was still hard on me. I do not know how I am going to handle this when the time come for her, were really close and I do not want her to do this, I want her to keep on going but I do not want to not respect her wishes and argue with her about it.My dad and I are flying out to visit her in late August, I do not want to go but I want to go I am scared to see her because it will probably be the last time I will ever see her again. My grandma decided to end her life",Depression +19184,"I do not have any friends or anything and I am so sad about it. And there was a girl talking to me, telling me that she loves me and all and it made me feel a little bit better. I wanted her to be in my life, I wanted to hug her, kiss her. I thought that she can be my safe haven, my escape from all the madness. But, long story short, she was not very loyal :) And this actually made me feel even worse. I already feel so like a subhuman and imagine, there is a girl I once loved so much and a guy can just, just fuck her if he wants to (I do not think she fucked him yet but I am not sure). Can you fucking imagine how fucking inferior I feel to him? Like, he is stepping on me, laughing at my face and.... I just, it is impossible to describe how it feels. it is awful.But she is everyone I have, I go to her whenever I am sad and want to talk about it. I do not have anyone to seek comfort in, I do not know, I mean yes I know I have to cut her out but I just cannot. I am extremely lonely and I do not know how to cut that one person out of my life",Depression +19185,"so i have done the s/h recently like, more than a week ago and I am going on vacation tomorrow. needless to say, were going to be swimming a lot all throughout our holiday and i have some scars in my right upper thigh. the swimwear i have is a two piece bikini and no one in my family knows i am s/h-ing. what could be a good option for covering up my scars, taking into account that i cannot buy a different type of swimwear to cover them up? TW: MENTION OF S/H",Depression +19186,"I constantly have moments where I do not feel like I am inside my own body, I feel like I am seeing myself from someone elses perspective, like I am not really there. I feel as if nothing around me is real, like everything is fake. What is real? I do not know. Is this normal? Nothing feels real anymore",Depression +19187,"First of all I wanted to apologize to anybody reading this because most of the people here probably have it much worse than I do. I have supportive friends and family and my mom and step dad make enough money. So, I understand that I should not really be feeling this way.I feel like I am wasting everyone is time with being alive. I am a very awkward and boring selfish ass hole and people still seek out hanging out with me. I feel like they should be hanging out with other people instead of me as they would have more fun that way. Last week I was drunk 6 nights that week (I am not 21) and my friend told me it was sad to watch and people just have to watch me be drunk. He was not trying to be mean. He is right actually. I just cut the shit out of my upper thigh out of self hatred and I just wish that I could have never existed in the first place. I realize that if I killed myself people would probably be sad and disappointed in me but I still really want to kill myself which is extremely selfish. I do not deserve to be happy. I think peoples lives might be better if I killed myself they just do not know it. I am just a pussy who only cares about myself.Sorry this was just a random rant. I just typed whatever came to my mind so I apologize for the random bullshit. Random rant",Suicidal +19188,"I know a lot of people feel left out with friends but I wish that were the extent of my problems. I am left out from friends, family, work, school literally everything. I am always the last thought. Been like this for 19 years Constantly left out",Depression +19189,"i am a 14 years old boy, going to be 15 in 5 months and 14 days. i hope that day does not come as fast as my whole life has went. i have never hated myself so much more. I am an overweight kid that struggles to make friends because I am fucking useless all around. and I am not trying to look for compliments, but i really am useless. i have one friend that devotes her time and tries so hard to keep me happy, but i cannot give her happiness back. whenever she is around, i cannot think of anything else. she is everything i ever wanted. today she was a bit upset today, and today is not the first time i was not able to be of any use, i manage to be just another obstacle she has to deal with. she has the biggest heart on earth, she never looks at the bad side of things, there truly is no one like her but she goes through so much and the one time she ranted to me (a few weeks ago) what did i do? i fucked it all up. i decided to comfort her, but I am pretty sure all i did was make her feel worse. after that i have a fear in my heart and heavy guilt everytime i feel she is down to ask what happened. today, i was not able to help her again. she makes me feel so loved, i have never felt this nice from anyone before. i really fucking hate myself, in fact at that moment, i was looking at myself crying in the mirror, i had never seen an uglier piece of shit. ever. what i saw in the mirror, i fucking hate him to death. i have never seen an uglier face before, never seen a more crooked smile before and never seen shit-filled eyes before. i have never met someone who cannot comfort anyone that bad as what i saw in the mirror. i went downstairs to my guest bedroom, to lie down because that window has a better view at the sky than mine. i had never felt so disappointed at myself before, i could sense even the clouds being embarrassed at how shitty of a person i am. i broke down again. and then comes my mother. my mother has always been a sweet lady, always caring and putting others before herself, and I have always loved her but showed hatred to her for no reason. she saw me crying, she had not seen me crying since i was in 8. she immediately came beside me, and asked me what is wrong. she had started tearing up, i had never heard a more painful voice than that. i realised, how shitty of a human i am, how shitty of a boy i am, and how shitty of a son i am. she burst in tears, held my hand to her heart and said to me do not cry, its okay. i had never felt more guilty than that moment of making my mother cry. i hope one day i can be a better son, a better person and a better human. i hope one day, my friend finds happiness, maybe in someone else, i hope she leaves me because i can sense she is having a shitty time dealing with me, she is too kind to let go. i hope one day I am a better person for her, because i truly love her, nothing more. i have never loved a person so much, i have never cried over a girl this much, from the shallowest pit of my heart. i hope her and my mother forgive me for everything I have done. I am a living asshole. i broke down for the first time in a while in front of my mirror today, i have never hated myself so much more.",Depression +19190,"All my life has been the same. there is been people that I have had a relation with, but in reality, no one has genuinely ever take care about me, about how I feel. No one has ever asked me how I feel in a real way.I have had helped people, with money, mental help, school, job... and what did I get in return? Nothing. Not even a simple Hello. People just do not give a shit about me. When others are being idiots everyone helps them or they just simply justify themselves in a hundred excuses. But if I start acting like a SOAB then everyone points at me, or even worse, they just ignore me, the whole world acts indifferent to me.I am slowly dying and no one cares. For Gods sake, I am almost broke, losing weight, I live alone, I do not have family left... are people so stupid that I really I need to fucking carry a signal saying that I want to die for them to listen? I am tired of being alone",Depression +19191,"So to cut a long story short, I have been seeing this guy for months and we have spent most days together and speak everyday. A few weeks ago he was being distant and not so talkative and obviously this made me doubt a lot. Yesterday I was sent a recording of his dating profile which I had previously questioned him on and he denied using it. He told me the other night he really likes me and I have really fallen for him. We ended things after an argument last night and now I do not know what to do. I feel so low and do not want to lose him Just need some advice",Suicidal +19192,"I am about to do it. there is no end I do not know who I am I have nothing to happy about, and anything or anyone I talk to just hurts more. You cannot win them all I guess, if I am alive by tomorrow Ill update. I am about to do it",Suicidal +19193,"I struggle with depression like the rest of you and I know many of us relate to one another. Its a beautiful thing to be able to reach out and know you are not alone ever, I really mean it. I cannot stress enough how grateful I am for this community even. But so often when I mention I am struggling with life other people want to help by telling me they can relate, they deal with similar things, etc. I am tired of it. And what I mean by that is I feel like it takes away from my pain a little when they are like oh yeah I understand I am also going through blah blah blah. I am really struggling to describe the feeling. Perhaps invalidated? Dismissed?I know they are just trying to help. And again I cannot stress enough how grateful I am for my support system and this community. But (to ME anyway) it comes across like they are saying everyone has problems and struggles with something at some point. Which is true. God I feel like an awful person because they just want to help me. I feel so selfish and ungrateful. I think for me personally, it would help me more to hear something along the lines of gee that fuckin sucks I appreciate you for hanging in there and not jumping off a bridge or even I am so sorry you are having a rough time. Needless to say if you can relate at all please share! This is more applicable to my experiences in real life so I am curious if you guys feel similarly. And I am sorry for being so selfish. I am selfish",Depression +19194,"i have severe depression that has been diagnosed but my mom refuses to treat it and says I am faking, that its all in my head. my mother is a narcissist and is convinced the internet planted these ideas in my head even though i have previous childhood trauma and adhd. she is just convinced that I am fine but I am far from it. i have a pet allergy and have prescribed medication that makes me extremely drowsy and take benadryl as needed but have access to it regardless. its been months since I have started taking it daily, twice a day sometimes three times, its become a ritual. my mom just yells at me for being constantly asleep and lazy but she does not even know that I am abusing my medication like i do. i cannot even stand being awake anymore, i cannot stand being myself. its like i cannot stand waking up, i cannot stand living anymore, and when I am asleep its like my only escape. when i fall asleep its my only chance to not be me. nothing is fun. nothing is worth it. i just want to sleep. i cannot stand being awake anymore",Depression +19195,"Lost so much of my teenage years being sick, can never make friends, socially inept. I think its time for me to go soon. Wish there was a button I could press to just instantly die pain-free",Suicidal +19196,"I have had 5 jobs in the past year and only one has been longer than a month(my first job which I went back to after leaving as a safety cushion), with one lasting 2 and a half days.The most recent is my current job and I am worried I will hit the wall I did with the last few. The point where my brain decides that making my life better is not worth the work. It does not help that I have no idea what I want out of life so working hard feels pointless most of the time.I do want to have a good life but I do not know what that means. I do not know what to do with my free time because nothing seems very interesting and I lose attention after a bit of doing it anyway. I am not sure why most people stay alive because it does not seem worth it to me. All the good parts of life do not seem to make up for the bad parts. it is so hard to stay at a job because I do not want to be there and I do not have reason to need it. Why would I go be miserable for a quarter of my life at work just so I can be bored and unhappy for the rest of my life? Keeping a job",Depression +19197,FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.FUCK.FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,Depression +19198,"Everything wrong with my life, and the pain and disappointment of everyone I love is my fault. I have no way to undo, make up for or help in anyway. The crippling pain is more than I can bear. I know their lives will be much better without me. I love them to the core of my being. The only way I have to make amends is to unburden myself from them. I cannot believe it has come to this. I love them all too much to not set them free of me. Teetering on the edge. Scared the plans that calmed me, may come to fruition",Suicidal +19199,"Or its curtains for this one. I really do not want to do it, I have a family and a life I could reclaim but if I have a terrible day it will because me to want to do it. Oh gosh please I do not want to have to or want to. I do not know how I am here but it might be to do with someone answering my prayers I hope they answer them today too.",Suicidal +19200,"Anyone who is christian and actually still believes in God this day and age, please tell him to either A. Leave me the fuck aloneB. Transport me back where I simply belong, like 40 years ago from now basically, because I truly believe he made a mistake by placing me here in this day and age orC. Fucking just send me to hell already, which is where my depressed ass probably rightfully belongs.Anyone still a Christian here? Not trying to insult anybody who is. If you are, and you truly believe in God, I am proud of you. I am glad he gave you a good life. Truly am. Unfortunately, he does not do that for everybody. Some of his human creation he simply does not give a shit about. So 9lease ask him to either kill me outright, or fucking help me . Or not. I do not really care amore at this point. Either way, I will probably be killing myself soon anyways. As is God's will. A message for all whom God loves out there",Depression +19201,"I am so fucking tired of being me, I hate myself so fucking much. I am so useless to everyone. I just wish I was good for something. I came do anything besides be a mess and a burden to everything and everybody around me. cannot start a conversation, cannot keep a conversation, not funny, not interesting, cannot clean my room, cannot look after my pets, cannot look after myself, cannot cook, cannot clean, cannot work, I just cannot be fucking useful. I really wish assisted suicide was legal. Fuck everything",Depression +19202,"Idk how I have not done it yet. The last few months until recently were not terrible though.I cannot find love, I have no friends, I am not close with family, I am just alone forever. Even my the last of my online friends are gone now.I am so fuckin close.I wish I could try therapy but it costs too much Well, I am still here somehow",Suicidal +19203,"I do not have the worst life, but every now an then I am just sad and tired. I am physically always tired, no matter what. My sleep is erratic. I am also tired of being unemployed, tired of not being able to find a job more than minimum wage, tired of trying to be happy and make myself do things just to seem normal, tired of not getting any real attention doing the dishes and vacuuming is getting so hard. The only reason I get out of bed is for my partner and my dogs. I just want to disappear or never wake up again I just want to stop being sad and tired",Suicidal +19204,"I consider myself functionally depressed, however what can really get to me are the lonely nights.The solitude is equally peaceful yet disconcerting; I struggle with passive suicidal ideation, so being all by my lonesome I find it easier to justify my ""logic"" of being better off dead and not existing at all. The people i see day to day are nonexistent, I think of how eventually everything I know and love will be dead no matter what and it just makes me not even want to try anymore. Even trying to care for myself and better myself, everything feels so futile in the end. I get torn between not wanting to leave but not wanting to be here either. Even now I tried to just shut down and sleep it off, but I cannot, so I sit here sondering and contemplating only to conclude that overall nothing matters and it would be easier to give up. Nights can be difficult when you cannot sleep",Depression +19205,"Over the past 4 months, I lost all my friends, partner and more. I am 16 and a couple of months ago I was falsely accused of something I did not do, I do not want to disclose what it was at this time, you can draw your own conclusions but of course, there was police involvement because of this. So I got pulled out of school for this and got arrested with my phone taken off me as a part of the undertaking and I could not go to school for a couple of weeks. During this time through the school, rumours were spread of all the things I had allegedly done. Of course, everyone had heard a different story basically making me a terrible person in all their eyes. Because of this, my friend group left me like litter in the street so I have no friends anymore and nobody will talk to me. And since I had my phone taken off me my partner drifted from me and as they put it ""lost feelings"" that they had previously had for me although I held on for them the entire time. We met up like 3 weeks back and I cried the entire time lol. we met by the water and once she left I walked up to my knees in water getting ready to drown myself but only stopping once I saw people approaching, they probs do not know it but I think they saved my life. Before this, I cut both my wrists open in the bath and let the water into my blood. I did not die as you can tell by me writing this but I lost a lot of blood and was bedridden for so long.I have nobody to talk to and nothing to do. I am getting sent to counselling on the 28th and if they will accept me ill have to attend 12 sessions. I do not think i will be able to go through with it this times been so tough i can see that everyone around me like my parents are saddened by my presence and i feel like a burden with them all always worrying about me. Everyone around me has always said they are scared for my wellbeing but now more than ever.i wrote about my life as a coping mechanism if this was not long enough here is my lifes story : [here]( Idk what to do with my life.",Suicidal +19206,"I just wish I could understand all of this. Why are we here. Why am I here. I just do not understand. it is impossible to know if God exists and if there is an afterlife. What are we doing here.I guess you can skip the ultimate purpose part and just live your life as good as you can. But still, what is this shit lol. I just do not understand the purpose of existence",Suicidal +19207,I am sorry to the person I hurt most. I was selfish dick who did not deserve you. I always loved you and I can never take back how much I hurt you. You saw through my flaws and still accepted me for me. Something noone has ever really done. Yet I was stupid enough to buy girls content online not even thinking of it as cheating or how it would make you feel. I always fuck up anything that is the slightest bit good in my life. This will be my biggest and possibly last mistake. You told me to get the gun out of the car and bring it in the house before you make me leave. Which I did. What you did not notice is i took it with me before leaving. I am sorry for everything i hate myself for being such a fucking idiot. I will never deserve to have anything good in my life after what I did. I do not deserve any type of happiness,Suicidal +19208,"Throwaway account cuz this is going to get a little personal. Ever since I was eight years old, I have felt extremely sad because of childhood trauma and not having friends. I somehow thought all of this shit would get better and that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel but it just did not happen. Within the last couple weeks, I have felt so lonely, helpless, and hopeless that I have wanted to self harm and slit my wrists open with an exacto knife or take my own life for good, but I cannot do it because there is a chance I might ruin my body instead of actually die. That, and my parents put me under so much pressure mentally that I cannot even feel completely suicidal and have to restrain my urges to self harm on a daily basis. I am tired of fighting this fight. I am tired of seeing everybody have happy memories while I have to fight through bad day after bad day. Instead of having long lasting romances and friends I can joke around with, and happy memories of being independent of my parents, I have to fight day after day just to survive. I have no fucking idea what happiness feels like. I just do not want to fight myself anymore. I just want my mind to go blank. I want a body to hold. I want memories. I want parents do not scream and criticize me all the time. I do not want to have to psych myself up to do things. I wish I did not feel suicidal but life has hit me with so much shit and I do not have the strength to take it. In fact, if I did not care so much about preserving other people's feelings, I probably would be dead by now. This shit never gets better. They always say it does but it does not. I just do not want to have to restrain myself anymore because I am scared I might snap and cut myself. Wanting to kill yourself but knowing you will let everybody down is the worst",Suicidal +19209,"I just joined in the middle of a crisis. I started crying after reconsider ending my life this night. Everything was going alright today, nothing in particular. But then started crying thinking about the people I care. I do not want to lose them. I am cringing about myself again. Hello",Depression +19210,I joined this community seaking advice from people that I do not know in my people life to avoid confrontation. The past couple years of my life have been quite downhill due to making wrong decisions like getting addicted to drugs. Which has driven all of my friends away. Now all I am surrounded by are people that want to use me.My question is what is the best way to get away from the negativity feeding my depression without having no friends at all ? I would appreciated advice so that I can finally feel happy again and sleep at night. advice appreciated,Depression +19211,"everyday is just another burden, i sleep for 17 hours a day, i never want to leave my room and i just wish not waking up was an option, I have always contemplated suicide and have attempted twice, i care about a few people and i do not want them to be upset if I am gone but i also do not want to burden them anymore :(",Suicidal +19212,"Talking to my mom today, and she says, I do not drink because when you were little I had to watch you, which I just silently agreed to, when in my head I am thinking it would have probably been better for you to just be drunk rather than what you actually did you dumb bitch because what she used to do is leave 3-4 year old me basically alone in the house because on a regular basis she would lock her bedroom door and take long naps. What kind of irresponsible and neglectful parent does that shit. And she thinks I am too stupid too remember that. Like I could have drank liquor and bleach or burned the damn house down. And yeah let us not forget the time my mom violently beat down the door in a fit of rage where my dad had to take me and we had to hide in the closet and the police had to show up. Which my dad did not press charges, which would have in the long run prevented her from getting custody over me preventing mountains of more abuse. I do not resent my father for that though. Hes just too forgiving like that. there is other things my mother did that I was too young to remember in which the only person with guts enough to tell m is my grandpa, who is one of the few reasons I have not offed myself yet. Every time I was slapped, punched, kicked, even slammed into the wall. Every time I was verbally abused, every time I was neglected. Child abuse is something that becomes imbedded into you. It forever changes you. I have some form of ptsd, one of the therapists told me. I remember one instance my mother tried to kick me. This time I had enough I grabbed her leg mid kick, immediately her expression changed, I twisted it, she said stop, almost crying. I was livid, almost overtaken with the thought of revenge. I asked her in a deep angry tone, do you want me throw your sorry ass on the floor? I realized in a moment of clarity that Id probably be locked in a jail cell if I did that. I stopped what I was doing. Felt guilt. Was I wrong? Was I right? Ill never know. Just as Ill never know who I would have been without a psychotic abusive parent. Abuse",Suicidal +19213,"I feel like with every week I get more and more confused about my emotions and feelings.I mean my mood can sometimes get better and it feels so uncomfortable. but it is more uncomfortable because I feel like I am taking depression, because my mood is not in the worst state. that is classicbut lately I felt like I cannot even think about anything depressing or something. When I try to think of what I think of myself, there is nothing. When I just try to say to myself ""I am worthless"", I honestly do not know if I even agree. I do not know why I would think of myself as worthless. And when I give myself reasons, it still does not feel right. But the problem is it does not even work the other way around. I cannot think of any good thing about me. I am just confused. I feel like I do not know myself.And today I woke up with the feeling that I want to kill myself (for some reason I wanted that feeling to come), but I cannot find any reason why I would want to kill myself. I just want to kill myself because I can, or because I should. And because of the lack of reason, I do not feel like killing myself.I honestly feel like I want to kill myself, but my mind is trying desperately to save me.But I do not want to. I just feel that I should be dead.Or... I do not even know what I feel or what I should feel. I am just a vessel, with so many emotions inside that they combined into something. You cannot even tell what emotions it was made of and you just do not understand it.I do not understand myself. I want to kill myself, but do not know why",Depression +19214,"I had a terrible dream about ending it all, and now I fear for the future. I do not know if I will be able to handle myself.The dream was me calling the police on myself as I stood in traffic.I feel like it is inevitable now, and I am so scared of it happening. I am tired of hurting everyday with no help. I got told depression is a road you have to travel alone, and I have been torn up even thinking about it.I really do not want to go through with this. I may attempt tonight",Depression +19215,"I keep seeing these posts talking about how you go all crazy and cannot think if you get sleep deprived, honestly that sounds amazing. Being so delirious that I am not depressed anymore, I am thinking about trying it. Has anyone tried staying awake for a long time to ease their depression?",Depression +19216,does depression ever even go away? will i always be this miserable? i swear to god I have only gotten worse these past few years. nothing ever gets better. I have not reached a point where I am so numb and empty. i cannot do anything anymore. cannot achieve anything anymore. i do not know how ill ever go back to normal. maybe ill just have to live with being this way forever. does depression ever go away?,Depression +19217,"I endlessly lie about the pettiest of things to everyone I know.Just to make myself sound better than what I actually am.I cannot stop, because I cannot seem to improve.I am constantly running in place. I cannot quit lying",Depression +19218,i am so lost and confused and do not know what to do with my life. i would rather die than deal with this confusion and hopelessness. idk how people figure out what to do with their lives. i am constantly switching paths and do not find anything satisfying anymore. what is the point of anything if nothing makes me happy and if ill never be fulfilled? i just wanted a career that would help the world. but i cannot do anything is there even such thing as a perfect job?,Depression +19219,"Is not simply because I want to do more things that I could, but because I have been inside of my head so long- day dreaming, that I want those things that I cannot have. The things that dream me has. The only main difference in my dreams in comparison to reality is me. I look better, I feel better and I act better. All of those end up with an entirely different life than what I live. They are also in-achievable. I cannot accept who I am in any way. A reason I cry when I think about killing myself",Depression +19220,"got to know yesterday that my dad cheated on my mom for years /and she forgave him/ and now idk how to react to this situation, what to think or even what to feel my dad's a cheater",Depression +19221,"I have had 3 one passed after at the time me a child noticed health issues my mother refused to acknowledge, she got help but it was like trying to put out a wild fire with a super soaker. It broke my heart she was young and in her prime now I have 2 one young one old and the older girl is starting to limp and its breaking my ducking heart if I did not have her in my life I would have died long ago and if she dies I do not know if I can cart on there is nothing but her that brings me joy in this life I do not have friends I do not have much connection to family I do have misery and lust for death My squirrel",Depression +19222,I am just a Fucking disappointment to everyone.I feel like a burden if I ask for help or show any inclination of what is actually going on.I am a year behind on school.I have food stains on my shirt I am out of shape. I just hate everything about myself I am so fucking sick of all the shit going on in my head.its so hard to cry.no ones asked me if I need help I know its hard for people to notice but I am not okay even though I tell myself and everyone else. I am worthless,Depression +19223,"Hello Depression,my old friend. Welcome Back. So why do not you stop hiding for real now and come sit with me forever and ever while we talk about everything and nothing both at the... Hello Depression,my old friend.",Depression +19224,"What was I even thinking? That I could actually end myself when ever I want to? Do I regret spending the late night vommitting stomac accids and pills all over the floor? Yes. Did it hurt? Oh my it did, It is scary experience which made me undersrand stomething about what I do wrong every time... I feel so stupid. Woke up even though I was so sure I would not... Disapointed and lightheaded",Depression +19225,I did it. I overdosed. I will take some more tomorrow morning I am overdosing,Depression +19226,even though it feels like the next logical step I should not die and here are the reasons why1. I am incredibly inconvenient to my friends and family right now but I think Id be even more inconvenient in the short term and potentially in the long term if i died right now2. ultimately i would rather a good life than no life. like even though I really want to die Id still rather not want to die and I do not think I have exhausted my options and avenues for attaining that quite yetthose are actually the only reasons I thought there were more but I guess that is it. And they are pretty decent reasons. Like it would just be a dick move and its probably not the best option for me anyway yet i bet i want to die but I am brainstorming reasons i should not,Suicidal +19227,"It does not matter if I am rich or poor, no one will ever remember me. I could dedicate my life to helping other people, but even they will die one day. Disregarding that, they are insignificant, like me, in the grand scheme of things. Helping them does not matter. Same with animals. I am more drawn to them because their emotions are simpler, but they do not matter either.I am not smart enough that people will remember me in the future. Even if they did, our planet is like a drop of water in an ocean. It does not matter.I sometimes think that life would be worth living if I had a relationship. But she will not matter either. Its just a temporary distraction from the void. Honestly, at this point I keep living for my dog. I know that she is immaterial as well, but I cannot quite get myself to leave her alone, having been with her since she was a pup. My parents will probably collapse without me, so there will be no one to take care of her. Once she is left us, there will be nothing holding me back.I wish I could swap lives with someone who is terminally ill and does not want to die. They can make use of my life. Ill be more than happy to give it to them. Purpose",Suicidal +19228,I want to feel safe again.. but its not possible here. Just wish I did not wake up,Suicidal +19229,"My family stripped me of my worth from birth and now I have been burdened with unending pain. There are a million glimmering stars of hope, but the sky is up there, and I am down here. I am not worthy of the heavens. I am not worthy of my gods. I am not worthy of forgiveness.It does not matter if I might be happy a couple of years from now. I have spent half of my short lifespan in agony that stole any chance I had at getting to enjoy my childhood. The thought of bearing another year of this, or even another month, is a burning hot misery.I deny this torment. I do not wish to exist anymore. I have stood right at the veil and pushed my fingers against it, but I never managed to open it with. I think I will open the veil. It may be, that I need a couple more days. To get my farewells in order.I am not worthy of this world. I am not worthy of your pity. I do not even know why I am writing this. I will just decay",Suicidal +19230,"I recently watched my dad die a gruesome death due to cancer this week, and I am sure something similar is in my future, I do not have any real friends and I do not have a home, I have been living in a hotel the past 6 months. I do not want to live anymore I just want to see my dad again and I do not want to suffer like he did I do not want to live anymore",Suicidal +19231,How is it possible? Hanging from doorknob...,Suicidal +19232,"Sometimes i just had these dark moments whenever i feel happy and all good suddenly an immense depressive wave of sadness just comes out of nowhere and puts me in a horrible feeling of emptiness and sorrow. I am a teenager with a toxic family , but i have a girlfriend we have a healthy relationship yet somehow deep down its like something is eating me down to my very core Let me die",Suicidal +19233,"What is the quickest way to off myself. I cannot stand life anymore and i have nothing to live for and all i see in the future is a bleak boring reality that is just sad, and no one cares one bit. I just need some quick easy ways that will be painless, nothing else. Thanks Suicide",Suicidal +19234,"I am going to be homeless in less than two weeks. The minute I am I am going to attempt again. I could not begin to imagine surviving on the street.I am agoraphobic and too socially anxious to talk to anyone. I get panic attacks anytime I try walking outside. I am miserable. I have no money left. I hate myself. I hate my life. It seems as if something in the universe is playing a cruel joke on me.I just was hospitalized for an attempt, next time I will do something more sure fire. Overdosing was a risk, I knew that. Now I am actually doomed.I will Just drown myself. it is the way I have been most interested in since I was young. I am useless. I am terrified of everything. I am transgender. I am broke. there is nothing going in my favor. The one thing I could ever do right is die. I am not going to make it on the street.",Suicidal +19235,"I am in Ohio. I am going to get a call from someone tomorrow to talk about me going to a crisis center. Has anyone ever been to a crisis center? What can I expect? I just called the suicide hotline, might go to a crisis center tomorrow.",Depression +19236,"I am a 20 something year old man. I have issues. I had a wife, I cheated on her. Failed out of the military. Failed out of college. Failed out of 4 or 5 jobs. Alcoholic and pot smoking issues. Mental health issues ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, gender dysphoria. I have narcissistic and avoidant personality types. Prone to violent images and extreme anxiety. Unable to make it though any day. I am disgusting, like truly disgusting. I care only about myself. I need help. My brain is on fire. Would someone just kill me. I do not deserve to live. I have never added beauty to anything.I give up. I see worlds burning in color, worlds that we might have know. I am broken.",Suicidal +19237,Need help right now. Feeling suicidal. Please someone help me get through this. Urgent help,Suicidal +19238,"At a ripe age of 15 I contemplate why what is the point the only person that I ever loved, could talk to, could do anything with, or just whatever just dies right before my 13th birthday. With my mom the only parent taking care of me but just being a dickhead and cannot understand anything and only cares about how well I am doing in school. I just want to let go be free and not have to live in this shitty fucking world. My mom is pushing me over the edge and I just want to relax. I am almost done with this shit I just want to be alone. Why",Suicidal +19239,"*Sorry if this does not fit in this sub, but I feel like I need to tell people that would understand what is happening. I have always been suspicious I was depressed and anxious but I never felt the symptoms or physical sensations I would read about. After my first panic attack, I feel like I am always in my head, worrying about the next one to come. I cannot even get out of bed for work a lot of the time because I just feel like shit. I do not feel like myself and everything feels like I am in limbo, just watching my life go by. It feels like a dream.Or I get hyper aware of my bodys functions that should happen naturally. Like I am manually processing everything going through my brain. I sometimes think I can accidentally hit the off switch to my brain and it scares the shit out of me. These episodes make me get existential and I feel hopeless as a result.I do not want to die but the feeling of nothing feeling real or my hyper awareness, scares me into thinking that its going to happen soon. I hope there is someone out there that can relate and know that you are not alone. Had my first panic attack from edibles, now I feel like I am going to die almost everyday.",Depression +19240,"I am feeling myself slipping more and more back into my depression; I am staying up until like 4-5am some nights, and sleeping until 3-4pm. I am losing hope that my parents will actually accept me for being nonbinary. I have been daydreaming for 5+ hours a day for so long that it feels weird to NOT be daydreaming, and reality feels boring and disappointing. i do not want to have to live in this house for at least four more years/until I am mentally and financially stable... i just want to jump onto a highway and end it. tw// mentions of depression and suicidal ideation",Depression +19241,"I am 20 (f) and have been struggling with depression and generalized anxiety for as long as I can remember, but recently I have gotten to an all time low. I am enrolled in university and everyone around me has some sort of experience in their field at this point, while all I have under my belt is a seasonal job at a candy shop from highschool. I feel undeserving of every opportunity handed to me, as I have not genuinely had to work for it (father was a veteran so my tuition is paid for). My friends are all starting to become financially independent and all I have done is scrape by at school and game all day while feeling sorry for myself. I desperately want a job but the fear of actually having an interview and human interaction after spending so much time alone is so overwhelming to me. I constantly think about the fact that if I cannot handle what is happening right now, I would not last a second in the real world, and that makes me want to end it all. what is ironic about all of this is that I started pursuing a degree in abnormal psychology so I could help people like me, yet I cannot even help myself. I feel like a fraud in my own life",Depression +19242,lately I have been having a really hard time. i cannot bring myself to go into detail but it seems like my life is unraveling. there is so much that is out of my control and so much i do not know. I am exhausted both mentally and physically and I am starting to feel very lost and alone.with so much stress and sadness I have found that I am getting angry at every small inconvenience. i shut down over the smallest things and cannot seem to get a grip. this is completely out of character for me and i cannot get a handle on it. I am so disappointed in myself.help? I am becoming overreactive and miss my level-headed self,Depression +19243,I really want to kill myself but i cannot and i probably never will too much of a bitch to do so i guess. But i hope to not wake up tomorrow and maybe it will all be over. cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +19244,See you all in whatever comes next. Hopefully not fires and eternal damnation. Goodbye,Suicidal +19245,I have been depressed for so long and suicide looks like the only way out waiting and waiting and waiting does it ever get any better?,Suicidal +19246,"Nobody wants to talk to me, I guess I cannot really blame them. Still hurts because it feels like no one gives a shit about you.Maybe there is someone here? I am invisible",Depression +19247,I just need another human to talk to. I am scared Is there anyone that can play a game with me or something,Suicidal +19248,"I have been diagnosed with depression before, tried antidepressants, saw a therapist regularly for years. There were times I was skeptical but most of the time I knew I was depressed. Now I am not certain. When I am alone, I can get really down and wish I ceased to exist. I think how I am sick of dealing with medical issues, working a meaningless job, doing the same thing day in and day out and feeling absolutely worthless. But there are moments that I feel really happy, alive, excited. I laugh so gleefully at the animal posts on Reddit. I get really into good movies. My positive mood surprises me because how could I have been thinking I feel like I am doing loved ones a favor by staying alive because I really do not care to live one minute and then be thinking I am so happy that animals are so cute the next. This confuses me because I thought I am really in a funk and may need to find some help, but maybe its just in certain situations that I feel like that and I can still find joy in life.Its been extremely difficult to find a good therapist. It was difficult before when I could have in person sessions but I do not know how to even relate or open up to someone remotely. So I have not been trying.. Is this depression?",Depression +19249,I think I will stop thinking about killing myself if I passed my board licensure examination.I am so afraid that I will fail again this time. I am so afraid to the point that I am thinking it is better to just die. Motivation please,Suicidal +19250,"i have a horrible family that treats me like shit, i have no friends, i have no one to talk to anymore. exhausted is the perfect word for how i feel, like i cannot breathe anymore. it feels like a weight is on me at all times. i do not think i can go on for even another day like this. i have a bottle of pills here but i do not think i can do it. but i just want everything to stop. i want everyone to just stop. i want to be free of this hell I am in. i need so much help and no one listens to me. I am so exhausted of everything",Suicidal +19251,"I woke up out of nowhere and got a message by some troll, I know its some insecure person behind a screen. They went off through my account saying how much of a fuck up I was, listed factors of my life I need to change and fix. Which is almost every aspect I am working on, on top of that I have relapsed this past week, I have struggled to do basic things, everything feels exhausting, one more sign I am going to end up just offing myself. Last thing I needed rn",Suicidal +19252,"I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I try my hardest to never self pity because I know for a fact so many people have it so much worse. Recently, I have been very down just thinking of the kid I used to be and how disappointed they would be in me. I do not know why I have been a lot more down. bad night",Depression +19253,"For the longest time I have been very very depressed. my Depression started when I was probably in elementary school. I was sent to the counselor's office because I looked sad or I was acting sad or I was not participating in class because I was so overwhelmed with my emotions. My father has always been completely distant, shows no emotion except for when he was hitting me. My mother was fucked up on drugs and alcohol and physically and emotionally abused me. Her 2nd and 3rd husbands do not like me either.I developed a bunch of nervous and noticeable tics because I was so sad or sick. When I would get an each ache or strep, I would get punished (month long+ groundings, beatings, name calling)My mother tortured me when I came out to her as gay in 2003. She sent me to multiple doctors and told everybody in our closed-minded, racist, homophobic family that I was gay. She also kicked me out of the house at 17. I ended up leasing a cheap SRO studio in Chicago so I could have a roof over my head. I paid for that rent with my job at Best Buy. I still do not know how I did it, but I didFast forward to 2015. I went through a bad breakup and ended up doing cocaine almost every night on top of my raging alcoholism in order to cope and numb the feelings. 2016 I started doing heroin occasionally\[and now I do it almost every day -- its been like this since September 2020\]Despite all of this, I was still dating because I thought that finding a partner would fix everything.I met the person who I thought would be my partner for life in 2018. Even though he ghosted me on my birthday, then ghosted me again at thanksgiving that same year I still kept coming back. I love him so much, but I do not understand why.At the beginning of the pandemic, he a new condo and I moved in with him. We slept in separate rooms many nights because we both snore so bad.I loved being with him all the time. But the feeling was not mutual.My partner knew about my demons with drugs and depression -- he also had a drug problem about 10 years ago. I admitted to him that I had been doing heroin almost every night in December 2020. I pleaded for him to not leave me over this and that I was going to rehab as soon as my FMLA benefits were active so I could go to rehab. I wanted to be honest and open, and I was.On March 2nd of this year, I told my partner that I would be starting treatment on March 16. I was very proud of myself for doing this. He, however, flipped out on me and told me that I needed to move out. Now I had to drop out of the rehab program so I could find a new apartment and pay for the move. This led me to spending most of my money on heroin.I expressed to my ex back in March that I was very suicidal. He told me I would never be able to live with myself if you did that to me.I still see him a few times a week. Why, though?Anyway all of this has led me to crippling suicidal thoughts for the last couple of months. The only reason I have not done it yet is because my apartment is a mess and I do not want to put the burden of cleaning up on anybody I know.But I guess it does not matter on my end. Ill never see these people again, right?I am quite sure that I am going to be done with all of this by the end of July. I cannot take life anymore. Humans are horrible.tl;dr: I am a 35 year old gay man who has been experiencing depression for the last 25 years or so. I am also an addict. The one person that I love broke up with me in March right before I was scheduled to go rehab. I have nothing now except sadness and anxiety. I cry myself to sleep every night. people are poison",Suicidal +19254,"The only reason I am still going is because of my cat and my brother. Id like to know how I can live for myself. I work 60 hours a week, but I am still poor and tired. ):",Suicidal +19255,"I truly feel like I could leave peacefully if I did not care about the people I leave behind. Yet, the majority of the ones I am concerned about have deeply hurt me in my life. Why do I still feel like I need to protect them?Why do I still feel like the problem?I wish I did not care. I do not have the energy to stay Why do I worry so much about protecting the ones who have hurt me from the truth? That I do not want to life anymore.",Suicidal +19256,I just want a woman to want me back I feel like it will never happen because I am ugly it hurts so much Loneliness is killing me,Depression +19257,i cannot bring myself to clean my room. i have not put sheets on my bed in weeks. and when i do sleep there I have been sleeping on the mattress protector. i need to clean my room but I am almost afraid and i do not know why. i have not slept comfortably in so long but i cannot take the steps. i sleep on the couch most nights. even then i cannot put away my laundry so i end up sleeping on the couch with my clean clothes. it is like I am finding every excuse not to sleep or go in my room and it is driving me crazy. i start to think of all the damage i could be causing myself but i do not care enough to fix it. i do not know why i do these things to myself,Depression +19258,"Looking for success storiesHello! So, I am looking for some success stories with taking antidepressants. What situation-crisis happened in your life that you had to take medicine to overcome it? And did you managed to deal with the situation, stop medicine and start living happy life again?At the moment I am having difficulties after graduation. Some kind of existential crisis/depression/depersonalisation/anhedonia something like that. When I realised that I do not want to be alive anymore I decided to seek help. I tried all kind of natural ways to boost my mood, but nothing helped, so had to accept that I need antidepressants. Its really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so some inspiring and motivating stories would help a lot. :) How did you overcome your crisis?",Depression +19259,"The world is in shambles. Nothing I do works. No matter how hard I try I am still a failure. Nothing I have done will ever matter, I am not attractive and no one cares if I live or die. I do not deserve to be here. I am taking up wasted space.I could say more but that is the gist. Who fucking cares what I think? No one. No one REALLY does.No wonder I have developed an eating disorder, I am the ugliest person I have ever met. What in the actual fuck. I am not okay and my brain is not okay but there is nothing I can do to fix it. I have tried so hard and I am so tired. I cannot keep doing this every day. Make it stop, it hurts. If I had the means to I think I would do it right now",Suicidal +19260,"I have an objectively pretty good life. I make plenty of money from a pretty easy job. So why am I constantly repeating kill yourself like some twisted mantra in my head? Why do I constantly ideate about suicide? Why do I have a shoe with a nail hammered into the the tip so I easily kill myself with a gun?I am afraid of how little I seem to be in control of myself. I feel like I need help really badly, but the superficially successful facade of my life seems to make people not take me very seriously when I ask for help.What should I do? I am afraid of myself and it feels like no one is listening to me. Its like I have a compulsion to die. Is there any hope for me? Thanks for listening. I do not get why I am so sad",Suicidal +19261,"it is a difficult situation to explain but I find it a bit hard to care for people apart from a select few. I am the kind of person who does not like to talk much so I might come off as a major asshole to those who try to interact with me. I care about my parents and brother a lot, and maybe a couple of friends. But apart from this, I feel indifferent towards others.I am talking about other family members (my aunt, grandfather, cousins etc,. who I do not regularly talk to or spend time with). For example, my Aunt and her husband lived in the same city as me for about 7-8 years but I only visited them maybe 4-5 times in that duration even though I was really close to my aunt as a child.Recently, my Grandfather got hospitalised due to a brain stroke (he is fine now) but I could not be arsed to visit him in the hospital but other relatives did. I wanted to visit him but not because I really wanted to but more as an obligation.it is a similar pattern with most of my friends, I do not show much enthusiasm, will or eagerness to spend time with them but I really, really want to!Safe to say that I have disappointed / pissed off a fair few number of my relatives & friends. But lately I have been having these urges of wanting to make it up to these people. But I am worried that maybe the damage is too bad to repair? I do not know. What do you guys suggest I should do? I am in a place where I want to spend time with others but I also do not want to spend time with others and it is depressing.",Depression +19262,I just feel like everyone is against me. They look down on me. They treat you like you are a problem. They ignore you. Everyone hates me. They neglect me. They treat you like some kid. Everyone hates me and so now I hate everyone else. I am angry that people always reject me and treat me like the bad guy,Suicidal +19263,"My mothers emotional abuse, my fathers neglect, the sexual assault, the unrelenting bullying, the inability to make friends, the overwhelming depression and anxiety all of these caused me to miss out on both my childhood and teen years. I wish I could start over because I already fucked up. I am now 19 and I did not get to experience so much. I have no dreams, no aspirations, only regrets about what I could not do. I just want to end my life and start over again, to avoid the mistakes I committed in this life, to finally be happy. I wish I could start over",Depression +19264,"If someone is depressed because they are not able to find a relationship, no matter what their reasoning is, telling them that nobody will want someone who is depressed, is not helping... if anything now you have just solidified my belief that nobody will ever want me and there is no point in trying. I cannot just snap out of depression because you said ""well nobody is going to want you if you are sad"". I hate this life. I hate myself. I hate existing on this stupid planet. I want out. Just a thought...",Depression +19265,"i wish life was different. maybe it is and hopefully it will be. but right now. my life is no where fucking CLOSE to what i want. man I am so damn tired of the same ass shit. my life is just lame and boring and I am literally 19. i hate the way society is. i hate how people treat me. i hate waking up and working knowing one day i will be dead. i hate missing good times. and i hate feeling invisible. empty. i hate everything until i smoke a joint lol. sounds cliche, but honestly since my grandpa passed i started to feel numb as fuck and worthless. i cannot seem to manage my life correctly and its just getting worse. i have no goals. besides hopefully make steady income and be happy. i doubt a single soul will give a fuck to read this either. will just be another useless paragraph that i type because i feel lost. oh fucking well. i need to find a balance or something. idk what i need. but hopefully i fall so god damn mf hard on my head soon that it knocks some fucking sense into me lol. goodnight. 3am. fml",Depression +19266,"I am scared to die but sometimes being vegetive and unable to move sounds like a good idea, so that my OCD brain cannot make me lose control Overdosing on meds and being in a vegetive state does not sound bad sometimes",Suicidal +19267,"Every place I go I never fit in. Just proves that some people are not built for this world. I try to display a positive attitude and not because any controversies between co-workers, but I still fail to do that. One of my coworkers hates me even though I try to follow her rules and respect her. I am just so done having to follow her specific rules just to not keep her getting mad at me. I am just going to be completely mute and comply to all my coworkers commands so I do not because controversy. As much as I hate, I feel like that is the only reasonable solution. I am just so fucking tired of having to start over. I have never felt so low before, it just seems like I get lower and lower mentally everytime I try to progress in life. I want to quit both my jobs because my co workers hate me, I do not get the respected hours because I am a minor and the pay is low. I am tired of starting over like I do with everything and running away from my problems. I am so tired and done",Depression +19268,I am tired of feeling like an anomaly and like I am not good enough for anyone or anything:( it would just be nice to be genuinely wanted yk IK i posted like 10 mins ago but,Suicidal +19269,Anyone else feel like their brain is on fire? Brain on fire,Depression +19270,"I am only 15 and I know a lot of you will say you wish you can be 15 again, but I feel stuck in the same pattern of worthlessness and just being very depressed. I do not truly have anyone and do not think I ever will because of my own low self esteem and insecurities. I just want to be loved and accepted but I do not know if Ill ever truly feel happy and loved. Is it even worth it",Suicidal +19271,For the last few days.It seems that the burn from drinking alcohol is the only thing that feels good to me. Every night its been happening. have not felt this kind of feeling for a long time. Now its starting to come back But day time remember to smile and tell jokes. Make people happy. Hoping it makes me happy in the end. Dark thoughts and alcohol,Depression +19272,"Wanting to have a panic attackIts been months since I have had a panic attack (before any therapy) and I just feel so numb, I know this might sound offensive in some manner but I just want to feel pain. I have cut myself 2 weeks back and I do regret it but I just feel so empty and In need of a feeling. I just ask for advice from people who have been through this before.. the desperately wanting of at least a panic attack. Please excuse my grammar mistakes. Wanting to suffer",Depression +19273,"Hi, i am Andrei, i am 20 years old and i suffer from borderline personality disorder and i triggered myself so bad The Last week. I met a girl at a party and at The party we danced, kissed and hd a good time but The Day after she hd to GO to her grandparents and we texted each other for a week before we met again. At The party i took some anti anxiety pills because i hd an anxiety attack because i got n a fight with my mom and The suicidal thoughts came with a few hours before The party and i went there ready to try to live my life even i took pills and drank alcohol,The Last saturday we went to a date, something more unusual, we went to a old bridge and we stayed on a pillon of concrete for a few hours where i brought a bottle of wine and after that we went to my place and we had sex but i can t wrap my mind around how a person can enjoy me as a whole, how she touched me it seems to me so strange, never felt love and affection from somebody so i don t know how to manage these things and these emotions that is why i took a fucking Viagra so i won t be anxios about my body and to fell that conectivity with this girl which i needed to fell even thought i knew it will ruin my mental state and after that she left and for The next days i felt my bpd and now i am convinced that i have a problem and reddit it s The only place i think i can share these problems, right now my dad it s at The table with me and he does not know nothing about these fellings. After that night my brain went so damn high with paranoia i got derealization, i felt it so bad, i don t want to be abandoned that is why i can t share These problems with my dad, and this seems like a nightmare. I think i know what i wanted from this girl,:affection love to have a good time with her even thought she will leave my country for good i wanted to have a good time, to fell apreciated and to make me realise life s more than depression, anxiety and suffering, that life s worth living but my BPD makes me fell i am not good enought to start living to the full I have BPD and i can t handle my dark thoughts",Depression +19274,"A little while and you will no longer see me; again a little while and you will see me.Then some of his disciples said to one another, What is this hes telling us: A little while and you will not see me; again a little while and you will see me and, because I am going to the Father? They said, What is this he is saying, A little while? We do not know what hes talking about. Jesus knew they wanted to ask him, and so he said to them, Are you asking one another about what I said, A little while and you will not see me; again a little while and you will see me? Truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice. You will become sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy. When a woman is in labor, she has pain because her time has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has been born into the world. So you also have sorrowfn now. But I will see you again. Your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy from you. In that day you will not ask me anything. Truly I tell you, anything you ask the Father in my name, he will give you. Until now you have asked for nothing in my name. Ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be complete. Sorrow Turned to Joy",Depression +19275,"I am 27. I am over 500 lbs. I live with my parents. do not drive. I am addicted to/misuse weed. I am a compulsive overeater. I am one of those.disgusting men who cannot see anything in a relationship past sex and attention. I am the template they use to describe the term ""Manchild or manbaby"".If there was a way to waste a human life. This is it. I see the world crumbling. I have not prepared for that. When this world comes crumbling down. My only hope is that my suffering is over quick. If there is a human garbage disposal. Chuck me in it. I feel useless. And I do not feel I have a place in this world.",Depression +19276,"If it is obviously too painful, is there any way I could use any over the counter medicine that will resulting in painlessly death? Will an overdose paracetamol or cough syrup kill me instantly without any pain?",Suicidal +19277,"I know people post a lot here about Wellbutrin but through googling I have read many of the posts and nothing really rings true for my situation. I am on this like mental health journey trying to find what works for me and I do not really have anyone to talk to about it. I do not even have a family doctor lol. So here I am. I was on 150 XL for a month and I noticed a huge change at the start, my main issue was focus and chronic fatigue, but i found myself falling back to where I was at the end of the first month. Skip to the second month and my doctor kicks it into high gear and gives me 300 XL. The first few days I did not feel much of a change but after about a week or two holy fuck.I feel like I just slid into the side effects salon. For starters, totally forget to eat. I already hate cooking and some days its not until 1:30 in the morning where I am like, fuck, got to sleep but did not eat. When I do eat its only a meal a day. I started a fitness plan and a nutrition plan with a trainer and the food is so fuckin bland I am just not interested (I was 180 pounds before I started now I am 172). I am thinking of going back to some shittier foods so I regain some interest. My sex drive and everything related to sex has been cranked up to a million. Its probably the one thing I am struggling with the most. I am literally always horny (and it shows lol which can be embarrassing). My brain is telling me to go pick up multiple guys off the street and bring them to bed and the last sliver of logic I have is the only thing stopping me.I am never sleepy. I can sleep but I am never actually like, god I need to goto bed, therefore I forget the time and stay up late often. (It also feels like time is zooming by sometimes but idk if that is just me).Those are the major ones to list a few more; I am warm and sweaty all the time, social interactions feel bizarrely different, I have gone from being super insecure to not being able to get away from a mirror, dehydrated easier and I guess that is it off the top of my head.I am just curious; what subsides and what stays? I understand Wellbutrin is not a miracle pill and its more of a trade one big problem for a little less significant and easier to deal with problems. Also if anyone wants to chat about it or are currently in the same spot with their treatment/are looking for support, Id be happy to support and could also use some. Thanks ! Wellbutrin 150mg - 300mg change",Depression +19278,"Hello to everyone here. this is out of the topic but I am trying my luck here to ask for your help. I am badly broke and just lose my job because our company decrease employees and sadly I am one of those. I am the breadwinner of our family, I am the only one supporting them and I do not have even cents now. We are in need of money to pay our bills and rent and to buy foods for us to survive. I hope i can get some help here, it may not be in form of money but pls pray for us to get through this. A penny of yours is a big help Thank you in advance Hello to everyone here. this is out of the topic but I am trying my luck here to ask for your help. I am badly broke and just lose my job because our company decrease employees and sadly I am one of those. I am the breadwinner of our family, I am the only one supporting them.",Depression +19279,"I am so tired of hurting inside. I am 27 and its gone on since I was 14. I am so tired of feeling broken like I am in a thousand pieces. That happiness will always be just out of my reach and that hurting will always be natural state. I am sick of feeling like I am not hurting, then I am not living. I cannot seem to find content meant or happiness. No matter the job, the girl, wife, dream, or circumstance, i always seem to be torn up or wishing for something else. I hate living life this way. Why cannot I just be happy and normal. I tried to kill my self 2 years, and luckily failed in a drunken stupor. But the feelings have been coming on so strongly lately. And I do not know why. I am in a fantastic marriage, working a job I love, and chasing my dream. And I still feel this chasm inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot take it any longer I am so tired of hurting inside",Suicidal +19280,"I cannot even bring myself to get pissed off anymore, to get mad or annoyed. I just feel resigned to the monotony of misery. I am taking anti-depressants yet still i broke down the other night and wept in a fetal position. Babbling and crying the whole time. I want out, I want out, its too much.I have probably caused severe harm to my apt and lost my security deposit from poor life decisions, my tuitions due and I am broke but I could not care less. I cannot even muster up the motivation to care, I cannot even slack off and play video games I am too disorganized and lost for that. It feels like no matter how loud I cry for help my mom wears earplugs. All she wants to know is if I have found a job yet. If you wanted a job you would have found one already.I do not want a job. I wish I still had enough control over my mind for that. I am lost to my own fears and doubts and suffocating from it all. I just want it all to stop but anything I have tried just feels like putting a band aid on a torn off limb. I cannot do anything.",Suicidal +19281,"I just feel guilty all the time. I feel like I am always burdening someone. I am pregnant and I have a fianc who loves me but I just feel bad about everything I do and everything I feel. I feel bad for being sick and tired all the time because of my pregnancy. I feel guilty for not pushing through the sickness and working during this time. I feel bad for being pregnant and not wanting to be. I feel like I do not care enough about my baby. I feel bad for crying so much and being so sensitive. I just wish I was a different person with a different life sometimes my aunt died in December and I look back and feel guilty about not doing enough for her and spending more time with her before she died. I feel guilty for not wanting to express these feelings to my fianc. I feel guilty for being overly sensitive and overwhelmed by the world. Sometimes I feel like Id rather just not be here. It feels like no matter which path I choose I will mess it up and hurt someone and I do not want to mess up my babys life. Sometimes I wish I could just kill myself without hurting the baby and my fianc. I really love my fianc and Id never want to make him feel that sort of pain. I just wish there was a way I could disappear like I never happened. I feel guilty and ungrateful for not cherishing my life and what I have. there is a lot of people who have it a lot worse than me and I feel bad for being ungrateful for what I have - a loving family, a caring boyfriend, a roof over my head, good field of work and clean water and food. Wish I never existed",Depression +19282,everyone seems to enjoy me being suicidal Nobody cares,Depression +19283,"I never told my dad about my depression and anxiety. I never told him about my counselling and antidepressants, or that I was crying every night for 2 months and went through hell to get myself the help I needed. So I do not know how he found out, he must have seen the discarded medicine package in the bin. I thought he was trying to spend more time with me when he asked me to lunch with him. Turns out he was trying to get me alone to tell me that mental illness does not exist. That they need more prayer and help from God (I am not Christian but I do not want to reveal my familys faith). He even said nonsensical stuff mentally ill people are possessed by lost spirits??? When I asked him who hes referring to, he played coy and shrugged. Id been relatively stable for a while now, until his words triggered anger and one of the worst anxiety attack within me, which I had to suck up and pretend to look fine. At that moment I was forcibly brought back to months ago where I was questioning my self worth as an individual. I started thinking of killing myself again, the temptation to OD when I got back home was so strong.All the work I put into managing my anxiety attacks and depression, all down the drain in a matter of minutes. This is why I do not tell you shit, dad. you would been preaching that mental illness is not real since my childhood days, and that such people found themselves in such sorry states because they lacked faith in God. Always all about that fucking religious nonsense, never once asking if I was okay or if I needed a shoulder to cry on. All my efforts to keep myself from suicide, managing my mental illness, all ruined and shited on by a few insensitive words",Depression +19284,Instead of thinking about this stuff all night God I wish I could just get some fucking sleep,Suicidal +19285,"Title, that is all Ah mates. Wish I was more than just a plot point in other people's lives, y'know? Like that I mattered or something.",Suicidal +19286,I have been having a pretty rough time lately and slowly but surely my depression is getting worse and worse. I am feeling like I cannot do this much longer. What makes life worth living for you?,Depression +19287,"I think I am autistic. I am tired of trying to diagnose myself because my parents did not care to. I dissociate all day. I do not want to be alive anymore. Autism comes with a huge stigma that I do not want and cannot handle. But I do not think I can continue without help. Which means getting diagnosed, or going to therapy, or something. I cannot tell anyone. My mom would never believe me. I cannot even think straight. I am so depressed. I want my life to be over. I do not want to have to fight my way through life anymore. I do not want to have to fight for myself. I just want it to be over. I am tired of crying every day. I just want to sleep. I know this is not the right sub probably but I am just feeling so low. Tired of fighting for myself",Suicidal +19288,"You need to love yourself, sincerely. Stop depending on others for what you can provide. Once you do, the pain is experienced differently. Feel the 'negative' energy and welcome it with open arms. Let it stay as long as it wants, It does not harm you, but you harm yourself trying to get rid of it. If there are times when negative thoughts of interactions flood your mind accept that your harsh judgement could be correct. You might have done something stupid. You may have been awkward. It only matters if you say it does. Without your consent, nobody can define what is 'good' in your existence. that is your power.When you depend on others for your image and worth, you have to constantly change yourself to fit their definition of good. You trade your life for the affection of another and they have no idea what they are doing here. It becomes the blind leading the blind. Spend time with yourself. Not watching tv or reading a book. Stand up and slowly move your toes, bend your knees slightly and flex your lower body. Feel what it is like to let your muscles take the pressure off your bones. Turn on some music and allow the connection between sound and touch to go unfiltered. Make up your own vocals. Let the blood and oxygen flow and your nerves come alive. Hear what they say.Many abuse their bodies, treating it like a slave to their will. it is a foundational part of existence. Spend time with it and it will enhance your experience. When lying in bed, shut everything off and slowly curly your hands and toes. Tense them in the motion. Feel each movement. This is it. This is your experience of existence. Grab each second of it and appreciate it. If you believe you could create a better one, you have the power to do so. The rules of meaning and purpose are all written in your mind. If it is difficult, use that knowledge to empathize with existence. it is malleable, but it is not going to shape itself to your will. You need to connect with it. Not with the voices of others, with yourself. You. You exist. you are incredible. do not let anyone lie to you and if they are telling you their truth, then know that they do not see what this is. Please understand (sincere love)",Depression +19289,"I am so tired. But it will be over soon enough. I have my plan in place, now I just need to wait a little longer. I will finally be away from the physical and emotional abuse once and for all. And maybe there is someone on the other side who still loves me. It will be over soon",Suicidal +19290,"The voices never stop mocking me, telling me to hurt myself and others. I feel like I am only living for the sake of my loved ones and nothing truly matters. I have inflicted a lot of damage in the past and paid the price a thousand times over. Its just been a viscous cycle I cannot break. I have had to isolate myself for years in fear of hurting the people that used to be around me. Today I have to pay for my past actions I will have to deal with another lengthy jail sentence. But first I am going to check myself into a psychiatric facility. Going to get help before I lash out again",Suicidal +19291,I am 17 yr old guy and I am just 5'8.5 (almost 5'9). I hate my height. Also my face is ugly. I hate everthing about myself. Why cannot i be taller and decent looking like my friends. I am socially awkward. No one would ever loke me. I really got shitty pair of genes. I hate my parents for giving me birth. I would rather die than living as a short guy.I am not good at anything. No talent or skills. I am scoring so low in my test. Why should i live anymore?. I want to bash my head really hard with something and die. I want to end my suffrings... I want to be taller.,Suicidal +19292,Literally no female wants us unless of course we are rich or try hard for them. We will never get a loving relationship I am 23 and I am just tired of life. I am tired of being fuckin alive. I know women will never be into me but why even be born then? Life is shit what is the point of ugly guys?,Depression +19293,"I can never fully get rid of this fucking curse. It always comes back to me. For no apparent reason. It makes me miserable. It does not matter what is going on in my life. I am surrounded with family. I have a good job that I enjoy. I am poor but I am not so broke I cannot feed my kids. What do I have to do to stop feeling like I am the only one who knows what this is like? To stop feeling so alone and isolated from everyone I see. What will it take for me to stop praying that I do not wake up again in the morning? What will it take to make my heart not so heavy?Why does it feel like my father and mother have died when I know they are alive and well? Why does it feel like no one cares about what I feel? Why do I even worry if someone cares? Why do I even care?I write this for myself and no one else. I am cursed with this. I was made to suffer, an unforgivable way of life that haunts me for reasons I do not know. The way my brain works, I would never choose to let someone else experience. I will never have children of my own blood because I would not wish this way of living on anyone. I could not live with myself knowing I prolonged this cycle of self hatred and loathing. Nothing good comes from it. it is time like these I want to drink myself to sleep in hopes I choke on my own vomit and die, like I should have before. Why did I have to get saved? It would have been painless. Now I have to deal with this tainted and tormented mind. Why cannot I just be happy? I do not expect to always be happy. But why should I feel like everything has come crashing down on me for no reason? My family is fine. My life is moving along. I am not hungry. I am sheltered, and I provide shelter to others. I am a hard worker. I am a caring person. What have I done to deserve this?Fuck this shit. Fuck medication. Fuck my brain. Fuck living like this. I do not want to hurt others because I am hurting. that is not how this works. The drugs do nothing. The alcohol does nothing. Talking does nothing. God does nothing. I do nothing. My life feels like a sad fucking song that is stuck on repeat and I hate it. I have done nothing to deserve feeling like this. I have done nothing wrong to deserve my head turning against me like this whenever it chooses to do so. I have fought it before and I will fight it again, but one day I will become too tired and weary to resist. I will lay down and die like it is meant to be. I know someone might read this and I do apologize if you can relate to even one thing I have said because this is a fucking living nightmare and we do not deserve this. it is that time again",Depression +19294,i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate the fact that I am a failure in school. and stupid lazy fuck who cannot do anything with their life other than complain. I am a useless waste of sperm. i do not hate anyone more than i hate myself i hate my life,Depression +19295,"I feel like every day I have to pretend to be happy. I work at a family shelter for starters, and I have to at least put a smile on for the kids who are staying there.My mom starved me as a kid, and as a young adult now I do not speak with her. I have very little family left and if I have any issues, so do they, and I need all the support I can get.My S/O makes me very happy and very sad. We have good and bad moments, times that make me stare off and picture them with a perfect match, someone who would make them happier than I can ever pretend to be.Every day I wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, and hide from those around me. All while, the entire day, pretending to be happy and content with my life and the people around me.Playing the role of a person who has their life figured out. Happy, funny, motivated, tired, scared, finite. I have no choice but to act every day until I am completely alone.And eventually I will act at my wedding, act at my friends weddings, act when my kids are born, act when they graduate, act when they get married, or act until I decide my curtains will close forever.I am the worlds greatest actor.And I hate all of my movies. I am the worlds greatest actor.",Depression +19296,I just want to find my man lol Fuck this single life,Depression +19297,"In the past few hours I have got so sad it feels like everything has sunken into my stomach and there is this really painful feeling in my chest and i cannot stop crying. I tried to talk to my mombut hey, I get..think abt the good, nothing happened to you for you to be sad Like no shit,that is why its an issue. I love getting blamed for things I cannot control. When my thoughts are in my head screaming at me that I should have died when something happened before that I am not naming, and I should not have woke up this morning and Ill never be able or get anything I try for and everyone is who talks to me does not genuinely like me, which I have a reason to think that but that is besides the pointits kind of difficult for me to just be like stfu I cannot just make my thoughts shut down but according to her everyone else can and I cannot function in this world without being able to do that??? But I get blamed for that?? Ok buddyI probably just sound like a untitled bitch who is mad at her mom, so I am sorry for that I just need to get this out. I am so sick of the think of all the good, you can just change your thought process if you think about the good and not the bad",Depression +19298,I actually want to commit suicide because people look down on me and trying to put me down all the time Is being stupid worth living?,Depression +19299,"Before I was in the worst parts about my depression, I was very much into music. Id written several songs over the years and it was my life. Just weeks before the worst of my depression, Id reached out to a singer-friend of mine to do a song with her. When the worst part of my depression hit, all of that was taken away. I lost motivation in my music goals, I lost touch with my singer friend, etc. But the other day I finally wrote lyrics about depression. I am not passionate about this idea at all, but hey, its something, I guess. let us see how many days it takes to work up the motivation to talk to the singer again. I wrote a song about depression",Depression +19300,"how the fuck am i supposed to logically reason that that does not make me a bad person? by reasonable definition, that is exactly what it does. I have loving parents, i have grown up in a middle class first world. i have no medical issues. i can see with my eyes, i can hear, i can touch. I am a physically functional and privileged human. having depression does make me ungrateful. It makes me unnecessarily pessimistic and bitter. that actually is the definition of a bad, unlikeable person, that i do not want to be. it is a good thing i hate myself. it really is. I am not allowed to be depressed. it does make me a bad person that i am, especially considering everything i have been handed in life",Depression +19301,Its been 2 months and I just need to tell someone I am not okay. I had a miscarriage.,Depression +19302,I have just kind of lost. I am just done. I have lost a letter to no one,Suicidal +19303,"Lately I have been finding myself drinking more and listening more to music with suicidal themes, like the MASH theme, or Ozzy's Suicide Solution, to name just a few. The last time I came down with major depression I spent two and a half months with hardly any food, and went 2 to 3 days at a time without any water. While I am not starving myself, I am certainly not eating as much as I should. People say if you just go outside, or just go to work, or whatever, that these problems will go away. No, I have done all that and they are still here. People are fucking idiots that do not know anything. My latest fantasy involves getting into a scrap with an armed robber at the place I work. In my fantasy I win the fight, but with mortal wounds. Been feeling incredibly down lately.",Suicidal +19304,I have heard nothing but how bad psych ward is and I do not want to end up there. it is a shame how hard it is to kill your self and I wish that medically assisted suicide was legal for everyone. I really wish I could just erase everyone s memories about me so I could die without hurting anyone. I would rather die than go to the psych ward.,Suicidal +19305,"For background, I am 21 and have Temporal lobe epilepsy, scarring in my hippocampus, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. Because of that my memory is shit so I have to live with my mom so she can make sure I do not get further brain damage from another cluster of seizures and help with my doctors. My dad is an abusive narcissist manipulative asshole who just got completely out of the picture recently by canceling my health insurance that he did not have to pay a dime for (even though I will prolly need brain surgery) and that was the only string attached. And I cannot get over my dog who was stolen from me, and I loved him more than anything in the world, which kills me every day.I have cut myself in the past and I did so again a couple days ago, cutting down past the fat and into the muscle in my thigh. I was trying to kill myself but then decided to tell my mom so she would not have to find my dead body in a pool of blood. After a day she told me that I was trying to divert her attention to me (essentially saying I am attention seeking) so I lost it on her. I bandaged it up myself and it took forever to stop the bleeding, and I did it myself so I would not have to go to the hospital and be put into another mental health hospital, because the last one I went into had abusive and manipulative nurses and techs, and food so bad I saw a rat run across it, so I ate chips every day.I have 3 good siblings and my 1 and only friend who is like a brother to me, so I stick around because I do not want to hurt them. My sister had a girlfriend who hung herself in their bathroom and my sister now has PTSD, so I know the pain suicide causes, and I wish I did not. It feels like a double edged sword of me ending my own suffering and causing them pain, or them making me stick around and causing me pain.I wish I was not suffering and the world was tolerable, but this world is full of so much suffering and unfairness that it makes me feel like it will never be tolerable. I wish everyone would just hate me for no reason so I would not have to live with the guilt of knowing the pain it will because. I want to be able to cut an artery but every time I cut I wake up from that numbness and think about how it will because others pain, and I wish I could ignore that but I cannot.I could go on a bit more but I do not want to make you read a novel lol.To anyone that reads this, thank you. I do not know how much longer I can last, yet I stick around for others around me (which is not fucking fair) (also long rant)",Suicidal +19306,my ex told ME she wanted to get back together and I got excited to finally be with her again. she constantly just does not respond to my messages for 5+ hours at a time and today she just causally dropped that she got an std (considering I am still a virgin it obv was not from me). when asked her why she cheated on me her response was not everything is fucking about you. how can people just completely change that quickly? she was the only thing keeping me sane when I have been really stressed out recently and I am already really insecure about being 20 and not having sex yet so she knows exactly how awful it made me feel. It just makes me feel ugly and worthless. I am going to make sure once I actually do it that its painful because I apparently deserve it. girlfriend cheated on me. tried to make herself the victim. I am out of any reason to live.,Suicidal +19307,"I do not enjoy any aspect of life and the misery I feel continues getting worse without bound. I am a pretty terrible person. The only good thing I can say about me is I have a working moral compass because I know I am not following it. I know to stay silent about the truly horrible things I have done. Society wants nothing to do with me and society's instinct is correct, even though it is for the wrong reason. Every person who has given me a chance realized I was a terrible person and left me but most people assume I am a decent person but they just do not want to have anything to do with me. I want so badly to say everybody abandoned me but I do not feel cutting terrible people out of your life should count as abandoning someone. Let me explain to you how terrible a person I am. I had only attempted to end my life once before and literally nobody knows about it. Just so you know this is not a pattern of behavior. I contacted the only people who ever claimed to care for me before I tried ending things and they did not care. They left me long ago for how terrible I was, and they are kind, giving people who constantly put others before themselves but they do not care that I am ""dead"" at the moment (I should be dead and they for sure know that is the case but they do not care).The stupid thing is I have spent the last few years dramatically improving my life through therapy, medication and general self improvement but at the core of everything I am just a person I despise. The people who legitimately loved me realized how terrible i am while they only hady a surface level understanding of how awful I am and they decided to leave me to die. I have the full picture, and it is much uglier than the one the people who used to know me decided to remove from their life. So why would not I remove it from my life as well?Before they left me I had this idea that I could turn things around and ignore all the terrible things I have done but I legit hate everyone at this point. I felt like as long as my hatred was pointed inwards it was possible to redeem myself. I hate the people who left me. Other people's pain actively makes me feel good. I used not to be this way. Very recently I used not to be this way. A disaster would happen like 8 months ago and I would literally become so saddened by it that i could not get out of bed. Like, I would think of the Challenger disaster and just lie in bed depressed as fuck crying thinking about how terrible it was. Nowadays I feel like I am on the verge of literally masturbating when terrible things happen to people because it is such a pleasure to me. The kinder the person is who is hurt the more pleasure I feel. My ex-friends were very kind people and if they still knew me and something bad happened to them I do not think I could hold back from indulging in the satisfaction my hatred brings me. I was not a good person before people's suffering brought me delight but it is driven me towards being monstrous. And I am no exception. Terrible things happen to me is also a delight. I literally am begging for my world to fall apart.I am not sure what I hope to accomplish with this. I attempted the big deed recently and I removed all my accounts on everything but i could not delete this one because I do not remember the password so I signed out of it but it is still on my phone. I am signing out of this account on my phone once I finish writing here. I hope I am not around much longer. I think what I want to accomplish is to because someone to feel saddened by the pain I feel at this moment. I do not want help. If Reddit did not remove certain subreddits, I would be posting in a community that encouraged the actions I am planning.I am signing out of this account and I will not be able to respond to any interaction I get on here. I would actually discourage anyone from talking to me regardless. I do not understand why I am still around",Suicidal +19308,This is the end. I have given up. A 13 year battle has come to this. I am sorry. I cannot do this anymore. I have lost my battle. This is the end,Depression +19309,"I am 17 I just graduated HS and I hate life rn. I hate my parents so much, its unbelievable. I did extremely well in school (ranked #3) in the class, I played sports, joined clubs, worked 2 jobs and volunteered, n at the end of it all it feels fucking worthless. My school district where I graduated from is small, and the majority of the students are white. The minority Hispanic population was not in any of the Honors classes I took, and the white kids had already been friends since their parents went to the same school. Even though I tried to fit into certain groups of people and went to events, showed up happy and ready, I never really seemed to stick onto a group of people. Most of the time, I was just studying. Now that school is over, I have to deal with my insufferable parents. My mom pretends she is white, so she will not let me wear the style of clothes I like and makes me dress like a 60 year old golfer. My dad is a control freak who calls me lazy and fat all the time. It rlly sucks to feel unwanted all the time. I just came to terms with the fact that I am bisexual, I tried some dating apps and tried to meet new people but it only made myself feel worse about my body and who I am. I felt used after a few incidents. Now, I am trying to workout and go to the gym. My dad will not let me go myself and will not sign the waiver saying I am allowed to go, he wants to come with me. It makes me feel like I cannot be myself when I around my parents. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I know that it may seem stupid but I really try to be sarong person, sometimes I just feel so alone and with no place to turn to. I can feel the 1 friend that I have had since 4th grade distancing herself from me, saying that she is busy all the time but hanging out with others. Idk what to do, and I get that feeling sometimes like I do not want to live anymore hate life rn",Suicidal +19310,"it is not even conscious anymore. it is like I have developed a reflex or coping mechanism to always smile or laugh whenever I am with my friends or family. Beginning when I was 14, I started noticing there was this hole in my heart. And no amount of working, studying, or making new connections ever did anything to fully fill that gap. They gave me temporary distractions to work toward, but ultimately I found myself down in the same well I would always been. Summer's halfway done and it is made these feelings even more intense. what is the point of living? I still cannot find an answer. Am I just not supposed to fling myself off a building just because it will make the people around me sad? Are we all pretending to be happy for the sake of others? I hate seeing people because I have to pretend to be happy and it is so exhausting",Depression +19311,I take sleeping pills to sleep and after a rough night I took half my prescription in a drunk stupor and nearly ODed. Freaked everyone out but they were more upset over a broken plate. almost ODed last night,Suicidal +19312,I relapsed and took a perk.I told my boyfriend to fuck off and leave me the hell alone.I have self harmed so much today.I am drinking codeine as i type. I want to fucking kill myself,Suicidal +19313,"my days are less and less enjoyable I cannot say anything to anyone because I really do not have a family, every time I am in that void where substance abuse is only stronger every month, this group is beautiful, thank you for letting me write. hi! I am new in this",Depression +19314,"Does anyone else experience sudden bursts of agitation, restlessness, or confusion? I have a low mood almost all day, but I also get small bouts where my emotions are just all over the place and get extremely restless or feel like I cannot think clearly for about 30 seconds. I have been diagnosed with MDD but I also experience all these strange little periods I am scared that something else is going on. Idk. My mood also changes many times throughout the day for no external reason. Random bouts of confusion/brain fog?",Depression +19315,"Kids are some of the meanest, nastiest and cruelest bastards on the planet, and the more I think back all my problems came from that educational facility of torture. Most empressionable at a young age is true but it is also the easiest to get traumatized at and I was just food for the wolves in that hellish place. Had I not gone to that school and been spared with home schooling I would still likely have a functioning mouth, I would still probably be social awkward but I would not of been anywhere near as fucked up as I am now after having gone through our horrible education system. I would of been spared the bullying, spared the teasing, spared meeting horrible influences I would of been spared of nearly every single bad event in my life if I had just not been enrolled in school and I deeply regret setting foot in any of those buildings Elementary school is probably the worst thing we could of made",Depression +19316,"they always say it as a reason not to kill myself. i almost got help tonight and tried to check in to a psychiatric hospital but it is too fucking expensive and i literally have like $40 in my bank acc. trying to get rid of the little things i have and then start over. it is extremely hard not leaving my house, my pets, and everybody else. the only thing stopping me is my survival instinct i literally could not give less of a shit about myself or anybody else in my life. I am an extremely young adult and I have been on my own for nearing a year now, i hate doing this. i think I will be homeless by the 28th when my rent is due i hate it when people say ""but you are so young!""",Suicidal +19317,I am sorry. I am not coming out of this alive,Suicidal +19318,"Plain and simple. I am a 26 year old bipolar alcoholic. I cannot hold down a job to save my life, I have tried medication after medication after medication and none of it works longer than a year.I literally cannot stop drinking and its slowly killing me.I am thousands of dollars in debt and will probably lose everything in the next coming months if I do not get my shit together.I just want to get drunk, take every pill I have and be fucking done with it.I am tired of fighting this fight and losing every time.I am so tired of hating myself and my actions but being incapable of making a change.I do not know what I am expecting to receive by posting this.Maybe I am just hoping there is a small chance its worth it?I do not know.But at this point all I want is for this all to finally end. I ruined my life.",Suicidal +19319,"I was speaking to my therapist today and we came to the realization that I determine my self worth almost exclusively through how others value me, rather than how I value myself. It felt like a punch to the gut because, while I half heartedly told myself I was worth something in the past, I never realized that I was lying to myself and deep down I did not believe my own words. It was truly awful to see the unvarnished truth about myself revealed and I am at a very low point. Id just like to know if anyone else can relate, and if so, how you got through it because I do not even know where to start Struggling with self worth issues",Depression +19320,"why am i so damn misrable, i have everything i want. but I am still sad. I am so tired.i just want to lay in a hole and fucking die. the person id normally talk to is gone for the week with family, and everytime i try and talk to one of my friends they put me down by either saying they have it worse or completely yelling at me for not considering how they feel. i should not feel sad. i should be happy. i constantly think about suicide. why does everything have to be so painful. vent ig",Suicidal +19321,"This happened a little while ago but it still bothers me that the person who was supposed to help me did me so dirty. About 5 years ago now I was really struggling and made the decision to try therapy one more time as I finally had insurance that would cover part of it. Prior to this Id attempted therapy twice, once was 2 sessions with a student counselor through my college but I was ultimately told that the free counselors they could provide were not qualified to handle my range of trauma and that it would be better if a sought out a licensed therapist, which I could not afford. The next time I did try and go to someone who was licensed, they also told me I was not a good fit. I was seemingly functioning fine in the day to day (I thought I was, in retrospect not at all) and again my trauma was not their skill set. They suggested I seek out someone specialized. So I gave up for a while. It was not until my life was taking a major dive and I realized I was out of control to stop it that I tried again. Shortly before I began looking for a therapist, I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 26. In general, I am so pissed at not being listened to or just overlooked by doctors. That could be its own rant. But I was only diagnosed because I asked if it was possible. Id learned the actual symptoms of how ADHD presents in both women and adults for the first time and it was eye opening. So much of what Id complained about or told doctors I struggled with (attention, time management, zoning off) explained in one simple and now obvious thing. The tests were more than conclusive. So when I came across a therapist that specialized in ADHD along with, supposedly, some of my other specific traumas, I felt it would be good to be able to figure out a path forward with someone who understood how ADHD affects how I might function and think. The first red flag I should have paid more attention to, and I am still shocked by it. I had started to suspect I might be bipolar in addition to my depression, but was scared what that might mean for me. A few sessions in I brought it up. I still clearly remember her response: Oh no, you are not bipolar. You have cyclical depression. Bipolar you would have manic episodes where you think you can fly or kidnap a kid and think its your own, or *do really impulsive, damaging things*. I said the last bit sounds like me and she said But you do not think you can fly or that you are invincible right? I said no, she said not bipolar. I have never been diagnosed to this day, but the older I get the more I suspect it, and I know that there is more than one type of bipolar, and think she was very wrong to dismiss me. If she would have let me, I would have told her how I have times where I am convinced nothing bad will come of spending money that leaves me in financial ruin time and time again and I *know* its not normal. Or how I moved to a different country on a split second decision. Or how every tattoo I have ever had I have decided to get and gotten within 48 hours or less, with no foresight and usually regret after. At the start she was easy to talk to, and ended up helping me with my ADHD by giving me a referral to a doctor that specializes in only mental health, and they prescribed me meds that have vastly improved my quality of life. We did not focus on my past trauma at the beginning, its really hard for me to bring up and she would *never* ask me anything or suggest something from my life we should talk about *except* the ADHD. Which to me was a small facet of my life that was now being taken care of by the prescribing doctors (1 hour sessions, at the beginning there were 5 or 6 in the first 3 months and now they are once every 3 months). It got to the point of me just complaining about my problems from the week or my stresses about the upcoming week which was not really the reason I started going but it still helped. she would try and tie everything to the ADHD and I just let it go. I did not have the energy to find *another* therapist, I still figured wed get around to it eventually, and just knowing I had my weekly appointment coming up helped me get through a lot of the daily crap that would come up and Id have to deal with. After about 9 months or so of weekly sessions, she shocked me one day by telling me that she did not think she would be able to help me as I was too resistant to discussing the ADHD and that it was not worth the financial strain of the copay (which it was, I still paid $50 each session) to talk about my day to day problems. She said we should focus on an end date unless I was willing to put more work in to it. I said we still had not gotten around to *any* of what I told her I needed to deal with in my first session, and she said that she was not really qualified for the extent of my trauma but that we could try though she suggested I see multiple counselors *at the same time* and that was probably the only way Id be able to get the help I needed. Now, possibly the most overwhelming of my past trauma is abandonment related. Which she knew. In my brain there would never be an end to therapy. I was settling in to the idea of seeing her and every week until I moved or she retired. I was comfortable there, I felt safe with her and the routine, so when she said we should end things it brought it all back. I can truly see that moment as when the final dominos started to fall. I went from feeling to safe to desperate to be worthy. I agreed to whatever just so she would not end the sessions. The first thing she did was something that she told me was a new, exciting method to help patients stop disassociating and bring them in to the present. Was disassociating a problem, a little, but later found out what Id been describing to her is maladaptive daydreaming. She just decided it was disassociation because of the ADHD.The method was this: first you closed your eyes and sat very still and centered yourself. She would say feel your feet, feel your hands, feel your breath, etc. Basic meditation/grounding exercises you can get free on YouTube. Then you would open your eyes and for however long until she said stop you had to tell her exactly what you are feeling and noticing and thinking presently. You could not think or say I am really stressed. It had to be physical like, I see a clock on the wall. My leg itches. there is a book on the bookshelf with a red spine. Anytime you would veer off a little, she would stop you and make you do it right. I *hated* it. Every time Id make these complaints, she would tell me its supposed to be uncomfortable, that is how you know its working. The thing was, Id spend all week preparing to talk about something important. Id take notes on what I wanted to talk about. I remember a few times I brought in letters or journals from my past I wanted to discuss and wed NEVER get around to any of it because she would spend at least the first 30 minutes doing the damn exercises, and another 5 minutes every other session trying to convince me to join her ADHD group therapy sessions, *which were another $50 copay*, no matter how many times I said no. I started leaving feeling frustrated and sad that I had not gotten to discuss what was actually quite difficult for me to prepare to say. Perhaps because of the fact that every single session I showed up with heavy thoughts on my mind and every single session she would force us to begin with this stupid exercise, but she made me *so much worse*. Id been casually disassociating *forever*. She did not teach me any skills to process or cope with these things being on the surface. But now my anxiety is tied with my life, I cannot separate the two. Doing things like looking at a clock or noticing a book on a shelf gives me anxiety. I am constantly overwhelmed by that fear of impending doom whenever I try and focus on reality. The only way I can get some respite is if I can manage to zone out the rest of the world entirely, which includes my day to day. I went from functional to entirely non-functional. Therapy with her ended when I had decided to move, which went badly. I was going to move in with a friend across the country. In the weeks leading up to the move anytime I expressed my doubts or fear something would go wrong she would tell me to stop focusing on the worry and just let something good happen. Yea, well, friend showed up to drive back with me and was a major AH and went from being my absolute best friend I have ever had, still, to years later were still not speaking. And I had no skills to cope, and had one of the worst breakdowns of my life. These days I am not even a little okay. I am not bringing in enough to make ends meet. My car is my income and it needs repairs. I used to shower daily, now sometimes I cry because I want to shower so bad and cannot bring myself to do it. The depression makes it so hard to get out the door and work, and if I do not manage it then the depression gets worse. I signed up for cerebral tonight because I need help bad and my insurance does not cover it. My grandma is helping me pay for it for now which makes me feel awful but I cannot on my own. My first therapist appointment is Monday and I am so scared they are going to be like all the others and tell me they cannot help me. I am so alone and lost idk what Ill do if they cannot. My grandma is the only person I know within a 4 hour drive, and for reasons Id rather not go in to is not the best emotional support. If you made it to the end, thanks so much for listening. Remember you are not alone, and who you are is beautiful. I am starting therapy again after my last one was a horrible experience and I need to vent about it for a minute",Depression +19322,??? What the fuck am I doing wrong,Suicidal +19323,"I am not out of the woods, but I just got released from a hospital stay for a week. I checked myself in, and got my first bit of help ever. I am just posting to try and give some hope to the community. Not all our situations are the same, but we all deserve help. I hope you all can get it. I got help",Suicidal +19324,How has your mental state been? I have had some really good moments lately. Meds help. Mild paranoia. A positive look forward. An introspective check. Its been good. Left,Depression +19325,"I feel that I am at the end of the line. Every fucking day is a dread. Stuff is not interesting. I am so irritable and annoyed. I cannot care for anyone and it hurts because I want to care. But I just feel damn empty inside and want to disappear. My dog suffers because of my depression, my relationship too, my work. Nothing is untouched by the emptiness and the disease of depression. Can it ever stop being this way? I have tried and tried and feel stuck. Help please. Please some solace, a break, progress. Something that can help me hold on and keep going. Empty and irritating days, every day",Depression +19326,"My head hurts. Every time I stop crying I am fine for a few moments, but then I start crying again. I just want it to stop. I want to be happy. I cannot stop crying",Suicidal +19327,"First off, I have never been officially diagnosed with anything, but after tons of research online I have concluded I definitely have MDD. Not sure about any sort of anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia, or any other stuff like that. I am very frustrated because I know I can get help, but my parents will not have it. A long long time ago i tried telling them about all my stress, which was about 1/4 of what I am going through now, and they dismissed it entirely. They basically refuse to let me have any sort of independent thought that do not like. Usually just scoffing and invalidating me in similar ways. I do not want to call the the NSH, but a friend I have been talking to has suggested it. Another big issue because by my parents (and other small events over time that sortabuild up) is trust. I do not trust said friend that she actually cares, and instead feel like she is just going through some sort of checklist. Please help me guys. I am physically incapable of believing that others legitimately care. Is there any way for me to get help without my parents knowing. Yes I know this post is all over but its relatively short compared to what I am actually going through and I am just really confused rn. I have parents that prevent me from getting help for my MDD",Depression +19328,"I wish that there was someone who would try to stop me... Someone to cut me down from my noose, or call 911 when I pass out in the tub from an overdose, or stop the bleeding long enough for the EMTs to start a transfusion. I have wished for a long time to have that support from my wife, or my family. But no one is better off with me staying here; not even my son. Life: the ultimate ""no-win"" scenario... do not bother",Suicidal +19329,"So a few friends have told me that I have got depression and I do not want to go off of a self-diagnosis or what somebody that is not professional says. So December 30th of 2020 while I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep a feeling of loneliness and sadness came over me is the best way I could describe it and I figured by the time I wake up it would be gone, when I woke up the next morning I still felt that way and decided to get ready in the dark and on my drive up to work I did not have the radio on listening to music like I normally would, when I got to work I asked my boss which route I would be doing and I started typing in the addresses on my phone and whenever I type address is in I use voice dictation, so every time I would speak an address in that morning I kept feeling this urge like I wanted to cry and the more I kept speaking the stronger it got so eventually I started typing them in with my finger and several times before dispatch my manager walked past me and I wanted to tell him so bad that I was not feeling well mentally and that I was not all there I was so close to telling him yet I could not bring myself to do it so finally fast forward to after they dispatch us instead of telling my manager that I am not feeling well mentally I told him that I was hungover..... I felt like I would have been judged if I would have told him that I was not feeling all there mentallyAnd one more incident here recently happened where me and a friend went to a bar and on our way over there I kind of get this familiar feeling of like loneliness and sadness and when we get into the bar and sit down they ask what we want to eat and drink and I was not in the mood for anything so I did not order anything I pretty much just stared off into space while we were there and after we left the bar we walked around the little shopping center area that it was in and then before we got back to my truck there was a park nearby with two Bridges that cross over a trail so I told my buddy that I was going to go take a piss and I would be right back I walk in between the two Bridges and sit down on the embankment or whatever the hell you call that thing and then I cried for about 5 to 10 minutes for absolutely no reason whatever And the background I would say the end of 2019 or beginning of 2020 I had made plans to go play pool with a coworker and right before I got to the pool hall they Called said that they could not go so I ended up going by myself and stayed there until about 2:00 a.m. playing pool by myself realizing that I was getting more and more lonely I decided to leave and drive to the park on the way there the feeling got stronger and when I got to the park I shut my truck off and cried for about a good 5 minutes at least and texted one of my co-workers that he was better at his job than I was at mineI honestly do not know if I am depressed or just lonely, because that feeling is not always constant, it is not always persistent 24/7 I think I might have depression",Depression +19330,I am such a piece of shit. I fucking hate myself. I hate having no one to talk to. I hate having no one who loves me for who i am. I hate being alone 24/7. I hate having no friends. I fucking hate this life. I want to hang myself and cut my wrists i fucking hate being alive so much I want to destroy myself tonight,Suicidal +19331,"let us just get straight to it. My dad is an alcoholic. He has been to rehab SIX TIMES. SIX! He has been drinking even before I was born, and he continues to drink to this day. he is drunk right now. When I was 11, I was in baseball, and one day, he showed up at my baseball game completely drunk. I was so embarrassed, and really really hurt. After the game, teammates were making fun of me: ""Hey, I really like your dad. He seems fun."" ""Hey, when is your dad coming to the game next?"" ""Your dad is a real wino."" I was hurt, but, I had to go to the next game, and when I did, one of the teammates brought a can of beer, gave it to me, and said ""I know your dad will love this."" I asked my mom if we could leave. I told her I was not feeling well.I went home, and decided to quit baseball. I told my mom that it was because I was not having fun, but, in reality, I did not want to keep playing because I did not want to keep being bullied by the other kids, and being embarrassed whenever my dad showed up drunk.My dad continued to drink. About 6 years ago, my brother and I visited him for Christmas. I thought it would be nice. On Christmas Eve, he said he was going out to the store. Usually it is about a half hour walk. (He lost his drivers license due to a DWI) He came back, FIVE HOURS LATER, absolutely hammered. On Christmas Eve. I was furious. I wanted to leave, but, I did not want to ruin everyone is Christmas. So, I kept my mouth shut, and cried myself to sleep. Worst christmas I have ever had.I stopped talking to him after that. I ignored his texts, and I came up with excuses to avoid speaking to him. In September of 2019, my supervisor told me she would have to cut my hours. No reason given. I was barely making any money to live on. I could not pay my bills, and for a while, I had to park my car, and walk to work because I could not afford insurance. So, my dad decided to move in with me, and said he would pay the bills.I was really upset with this decision. I did not want him to move in with me, but, I had no other choice. Ever since then, I have had to deal with his drinking. CONSTANT DRINKING. I have screamed at him, and pleaded with him to stop drinking, and he does not listen. I have even grown to dread the sound of a can opening.About 3 months ago, my 17 year old little brother came over. My dad decided to get shit faced. He was acting like a dick, and was just being obnoxious. My brother ended up leaving, and went home. My mom texted me, and told me he came home crying. My 6 foot 7 inch tall brother, who weighs 280 lbs, cried because of my dad's behavior.On Monday, my dad decided to start drinking at 11:45 in the morning. 4 hours later, and plenty of beers later, he asked me to take him to the store. I was hesitant, but, I took him. We get inside, and already my father is embarrassing me. I go off to get what I needed, and I realized I forgot my wallet in the car. My dad pays for me, and I thanked him twice for that. I paid him back when we get back in the car, and we head home. On the way home, my dad starts acting like a dick. He starts mocking me, and going ""thanks for the money, dad."" Even though I thanked him twice. I was on edge at that point. I responded ""I already thanked you twice, you idiot."" Was it the best thing to say? No. But, I was really upset. He got upset for me calling him an idiot. We get home, and I am walking up the porch. He throws an empty bottle at my head; and that was it. I had snapped. I turned, walked down the steps, and approached my father, and punched him right in the jaw. I knocked him out. He was out for a good 3 minutes.He regained consciousness, and I helped him inside. I do not really know how to feel about it, though. I feel good for standing up for myself after dealing with a dismal father. But, I also feel terrible because he is my father. I really do not know how to process all of this. Even 2 days later. I punched my father.",Depression +19332,I feel so empty and lost. Just want it all over. Feeling lost,Suicidal +19333,alone and depressed and feeling pathetic thinking about how alone and depressed i feel. i wish i died that time. this wanting to die but not being able to is so excrutiating. I am so tired of it all. if I am not going to get better then i just want it all to end. alone,Suicidal +19334,"Almost every day now I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling or curl under the covers and ask myself how did I get here? I used to be so happy when I was a kid. I had so many friends, all of which I would say hello to on the way to class- now I do not even go outside anymore. You know, we did not even get a High School graduation? It was a Google slideshow with pictures that we submitted and our names on it. I now attend online classes in my college with barely anybody to talk to, and every time I click the leave button the smile vanishes from my face.My friends were my lifeline; my parents separated when I was young, and I suppose I would go to said friends to mitigate that feeling of family. I live with my mother, but she is endlessly working and always spends her sleeping or watching TV. She says she is working for my future- so that I can continue on in my life well set and without worry- but I wish she would stop worrying about how I feel in the future and worry about how I feel now. With her, almost every thing I do has something wrong. Its never enough: from the way I bring the groceries inside the house to the way I place the blanket over my body when I go to bed, there is always something that has to be corrected. She says she tells me these things so that I know how to do them properly, but she says them with such spite and anger that I cannot possibly believe that statement. I have tried to tell her how I feel on multiple occasions, but she does not understand; she tells me that these things are a part of life and that I should learn how to deal with them. Even if only once, I long for a stroke on the head and her voice to tell me that its all going to be okay.I wish I had someone to tell me that its going to be fine, someone to hold me and tell me that things are going to change for the better. I wish I had someone.",Depression +19335,"I just thought about this today. I think life is beautiful. But I am wasting it. I wish I was somebody who was not like that. I want to enjoy this amazing universe, but I am too lazy. I am not meant for it. I do not really want to die. I want to be reborn as someone worth it. Reincarnated if you will.",Depression +19336,"Hear me out, I want to be loved but I might already be, but it is not enough, and I do not mean this in a jealous type of way. I have family I have my parents, I even have friends but do I really have them. I am sorry if any of you feel hurt /robbed by what I say but I just wanted to be honest. I have family, who does not hate me, or rejected me because of anything, I am lucky I have a roof over my head. I do not have to live paycheque to paycheque, and I am immensely grateful for that. But I am tired of feeling this way, I do not understand why it is so hard, every single person in my entourage has a great life in a way or another besides me. And I start feeling so inadequate when I have to ""compare"" myself, to homeless people, sex slave, child soldier, I know I am just seeing life through a grey lense, but why are those the only things making me understand that my life is not so bad? Trust me I do not want any of their conditions, but why am I not satisfied? Why is it so much easier for others? I am not rich but I am not poor, I am below average. I am not smart but I am not dumb (at least I wish I am not.) The only things that makes me believe I am not dumb is how I overanalyze everything, and you cannot be ""that dumb"" and not be happy at least I wish, because otherwise I would not have anything going for myself. Everyday I wake up, my body hurts, I feel nauseous, my back hurts, I get migraines, or my eyes are crying(because they are dry), I loose my balance, my vision gets dark, I wake up tired, whether I sleep 20 hours, 14 hours, 8 hours, 5 hours or 3 hours, I am still as tired the only difference is if I wake up with a headache, or I get it along the day. I had to move out 6 times in 5 years(maybe to all of you it sounds like nothing), but I was not able to form any meaningful friendships/relationship in 1 year. Even if I give it my best shot, if I try to act like somebody else, or like myself, if I copy' s someone behaviour, I pretend I am someone I am not or if I pour my heart's out, I tried it. The only thing I cannot be is mean. I am not pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough, or white enough to be any of that. I do not have any talent, sometimes I like writing, sometimes I like watching tv, sometimes/before I used to swim, I am not good at anything, but I am not able to feel satisfied with anything that I do. I really tried to work on my body, but it made me so tired, I started puking, and more than once I started feeling suicidal, ready to jump in front of a train's track, or a subway, or even from a building but at the same time I will not. it is true that I am scared of it failing, of me being paralyzed, but I am even more scared of missing out on life. I want something great, amazing, to happen to me. I think hope keeps me going. And if I am being honest is my life that bad? My family is lucky, some are ""rich"", or at least got much more money than me, some are pretty, talented, athletic, popular, good with words, they got cool friends, and I seriously talk to them, and I tell them how I feel, I told them everything and I also told them stuff I did not want to share,and now I am frustrated because I told stuff I would rather have kept hidden and it is not mine anymore, it is theirs, and they have yet to show me they care. I realize that even if I died, and told them exactly what to do, for me not to die, they still would not do anything about it. And that is not their fault and that is the worst thing about it. I and they cannot do anything about it, and I just have to accept it, and they should not have to do anything. But really I just want a friend who will bring me to their house, and who will come to mine, well watch movies, laugh about dumb things, well go to the mall, or maybe thrift stores, well try food, laugh about dumb passerby, or talk to random stranger and then run away. I am not asking for much and yet I cannot find it. I do not want anyone to date, I do not want sex, I just want something simple. I want to be happy, I do not need a Prince, or a dream anymore, I do not need to be the richest anymore, I do not need people to remember me or my work, I just want to be the most to somebody who will be my most important person. If that is too much to ask I know why I am Sad, I know what does not work with me, I know what I am missing but I will not get it, and that is enough to make me believe that life is not worth living, but I am still here, because I know how easy it would be to find, and I am still waiting for it, I am still waiting for them. I just want to be loved. I want to be loved.",Depression +19337,"Never would I have thought I would be living with depression. All because of losing my mom too soon. I hate the feeling. I never really understood it but now I do. there is days where I feel happy and content then there is time where I feel sad, detached, bored with people/things, or lost. It has affected relationships with people in my life where they felt like it was their fault I was not as happy but it was not. Sometimes people still do not understand but I just remember its not my job to bend over backwards to make them understand. I just feel alone with this feeling because no one around me that I am close with deals with actual depression. cannot help but feel out of place and lost. Lost",Depression +19338,"I am unraveling at the seams. I have got the gun next to me. I keep touching the trigger, if I moved it 2 inches over, I could be done. No more pain. No more fear.Everything I do is wrong. I forgot to set this item here, I did not fold this the right way, I put that in the wrong spot. Every night for the last week, I have been inches away from a fist. I have been afraid. I am scared. I do not want to be scared anymore.I do not want to go anywhere, I just want the fear and pain to stop.Every day I wake up is harder than the last. I cannot tell anyone. They cannot know.What if I do not move fast enough tomorrow? I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot fucking breathe.I just want it all to stop, I am okay if ending the sadness and fear means I will not feel the good anymore either. I do not think there can be good again. I am drowning",Suicidal +19339,"it only works if they do not actually want to die. talking will not help, because i want to die. so badly is it even possible to talk someone down from suicide?",Suicidal +19340,"Its not fair how I keep trying and nothing works. Its not fair how no ones there for me. Its not fair how I am too much of a coward to kill myself. Its not fair how I cannot get my friends to care about me or talk to me. Its not fair I am crying in the bathroom because I am fucking tired. Its not fair how people are dying right now and I have a life. A meaningless life. Every time I think something is going good, it never does, then I am back here again. I never wanted to be here and its not fair how I get treated like shit by people I value. How I look is not fair. Why cannot anyone be there for me? Give me a damn hug and tell me they love me. Fuck this shit man. No one cares about anyone. I hate it here. Its not fucking fair. I am so tired. I am just so tired of it all. Its not fair",Suicidal +19341,"I have been in a rut for some time now, and my self talk has become extremely negative. It started with the occasional that was dumb comment and became a habit, now its continuously putting myself for everything. I legitimately feel as though I suck at everything I attempt. The worst is when people try to pay me a complement, I feel guilty or that they are being disingenuous. To make matters worse I work in sales which requires me to be positive and confident which I have completely lost at this point. Every week I look at a sales report that shows an correlation with my depression I have fallen into. Its like a storm in my head with all these negative thoughts and I just want to make it stop. I want my old happy-go-lucky mind back Stuck in a rut",Depression +19342,"I have fucked up my reputation where i live because of my prior drinking issues, i fell out of a relationship and quit my job due to my low self esteem not allowing me to accept appreciation, but simultaneously, i feel like my hard work is more exploited than rewarded.My cigarette intake got worse after the pandemic, i started drinking again and it seems I am not able to get a break anymore.. I am tired of this idea of slaving for decades in hopes that the stresses and habits of coping do not kill me before i can cash out my retirement, the face that i have to favor someone else's interests in order to survive fucking kills me. For once in my life i just want to be self-sustaining without penalties. I want people to just fucking let me do my thing without dipping their dick beaters in my goddamn pockets. I want to explore.... but I am poor, i want to better my financial situation, but even furthering my education weilds a life long debt because why not keep people trying in their own pocket of financial misery. Fuck dude, what the fuck, i want to just escape to non inhabited island and do my thing, i want to live for once, not just exist to serve someone is exploitation. I am fucking tired of it. The life i want is virtually unobtainable",Suicidal +19343,"Ever since the pandemic hit, I ended up with a seemingly never ending case of OCD that is honestly ruined my life. I am constantly developing and working around new triggers everyday of my life, treating myself with self help techniques without any form of medication or real help, feeling terribly pressured by moving to a different state to begin another year of college, feeling happy during some parts of the day and then suddenly feeling this sense of dread that oh shit I encountered a trigger and now my life will be absolute hell all over again. This happens to me time and time again, resulting in a period of hours, days, or even weeks of mental collapse where I feel like I cannot do anything anymore with an open and clear mind. Again and again. And each time too, I have been trying so unbelievably hard to stay sane for everyone around me but its so hard man. I know I will not actually do it, but suicide ideation has been on my mind for an unhealthy amount of time, basically every day for the past idk how many years but this illness has really pushed me over the edge. I fucking hate this year, and also every year that follows it as long as I am still like this. Just thought Id put this out there. Sorry for the trouble. Its insane to think how OCD has made me feel miserable for a whole straight year",Suicidal +19344,"I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd) and I was doing alright for a year with the mood stabilizer pill but now I have fallen in deep depression I do not take my pills regularly, leaving gaps in between. Just Finished my internship and have no motivation to look for a full time job or doing anything else in my life. The past two days I have literally stayed in bed doing nothing my back hurts but I cannot find the strength to get out of the bed. I have given up on life, I am not exactly suicidal but just waiting for a natural death. I do not know what else to do anymore and I am destroying my relationship with my bf and other family members. I have completely lost hope Unemployed lost motivation of life spent 48hrs in bed",Depression +19345,"We are a new organization focused on diagnosing depression through Reddit data. Please fill out this [form]( to help in the ongoing fight against depression. **Anyone** can provide valuable data by filling out this form **regardless of their emotional state**. Please share this with all friends and family (with a Reddit account) and combat this epidemic.This data will later be used to provide a service that can automatically flag people with troubled mental states. This service will be free and accessible at our [website]( You can check out our website for updates.Our service will be able to help everyone, especially those who experience mental illness. Please help us and millions around the world by filling out our form. Thank You. Help End the Depression Epidemic",Suicidal +19346,"every day is harder and harder and I am not sure how much more i can take. I am trying so hard to just fucking get up in the morning and sometimes i cannot even do that. I am forgetting to eat, staying up till 3 am, i havnt showered in 3 fucking days, i just want things to feel ok again but nothing ever does. I am in therapy and I am on antidepressants which are working bc I am def better than i used to be but nothing seems worth it anymore. i just want to fucking die. i want to die",Depression +19347,I am scheduled for my first session of therapy but I honestly do not see the point. they are going to drug me up and trick my brain into thinking I am happy. I cannot see that possibly happening. Every day that goes by I feel like I become worse. I am tired of people feeling sorry for me and I am tired of my depression ruin the friendships I have. I just want to disappear. I tried tricking myself into doing happy things like going on a date and at the end I felt worse than before. It seems my life is a one way path to dying alone and all my friends getting sick of my existence. I do not even have the motivation to cry any more. there is a wave of anxiety and sadness constantly drowning me and I just feel dead inside. I do not see how anyone or anything can help me any more. I just feel that everyone gets sick of me at some point or another and I am at the point where I feel dead inside.,Depression +19348,"I am trying to resist, it is so difficult, I no longer find happiness in anything, everything that gave me joy now is just a memory, I try to see the positive in what happens in my life but I no longer find reasons to stay here, I think the only one and for very little is my family, it hurts me to know that if I do, they would suffer for my absence I try new things, I look for more friends and all that but now nothing It keeps me distracted enough to think that one day I have to end this, what I have no longer feels like life, I just experience a very great decline in everything, I am increasingly disappointed with so many things and at the same time I feel that I am a disappointment and a burden to others, many people leave my life for no reason and sometimes I am left wondering what I do wrong, time passes and I get worse, I help everyone I can but nobody helps me, I give everything for them and they nothing for me I feel great emotion thinking that the end is so close and sometimes I fantasize for a long time thinking about how I can die without it feeling like a suicide,I think it is only a matter of time before I find the moment, I think about seeking help but I do not think it can help much, my effort to be better every day has seldom had an effect because there are more times that I fail I do not even know how to explain what I feel, it is euphoria along with doom and a little hope, the problem is that I do not know what I am expecting. No pain, no gain?",Suicidal +19349,"i hate myself. I am trying my best but there is just no rock bottom for me, i keep getting more messed up, and I am 22 ! I have always been stupid, i cannot process things quickly, and i could not solve math problems since early secondary school. i always end up in bad schools bc of my shit grades but it is okay because that is where i belong. but even there I am still stupid. yesterday was a networking event at my university where I am studying a master in literature (i could not get accepted to study linguistics, which i like a lot). i could feel everyone feeling second hand embarrassment for me, i could not speak as eloquently as they did. I am trying my best and I am sick of trying... after that horror meeting i was invited to play a video game, and i could not even understand its rules. i walked out holding my tears because everyone was being abrasive to meit hurts. it hurts too much. i wish i could pick up mathematics and coding and have a decent career, but I am just too stupid to understand them. i believe I am just defective, but i cannot give up. i do not want to be unsuccessful.... on being stupid and unsuccessful.... it is starting to physically hurt",Depression +19350,"I have never felt so depressed, worthless, hopeless, and alone my entire life. I wish I had somebody to talk to but I do not have anyone. What should I do? I wish I could just die already. I cannot take this pain anymore, its becoming unbearable to the point I cannot sleep properly or be functional. The only thing holding me back is the fear of failing and ending up in paralysis. I do not know who to reach out to and how. I have tried to talk to people in the past but they did not really care. How to reach out for help?",Depression +19351,"My life is just work, I do not want to live like this anymore. All I do is work 12hrs a day and go home until it is time to work again. I have no friends, no GF, nothing. I live with my parents because I live in Canada and it costs half a million to buy a small house now so no matter how much I work, it does not matter because I will never afford a house. All my dreams are dead and the only advice people give me is go for a walk. I am going to hang myself soon, this life is not worth living. Another day of existing just to work.",Suicidal +19352,"I feel embarassed because i just posted on here last night but I am desperate. My boyfriend just broke up with me. 7 months of i love yous down to drain overnight. I am so in love with him and I cannot do it. I told my mom and she said I need to feel my emotions but let it go so I can focus on school. We broke up 9 hours ago. 9 hours and all I am to my mom is an opportunity to brag. My emotions do not matter. Nobody cares about me. I cannot close my eyes because i can feel him kissing and caressing my face. I cannot sleep because i can feel him next to me. I cannot do anything because everything reminds me of him. I feel so dumb. I am hoping for a miracle that will not come. I was deep in my depression before we got together and it feels like all 7 months are tumbling down on top of me and I feel like shit. I love him. So much. So fucking much. I do not know what happens after death. that is what kept me alive for so long. My fear of what happens after death saved me so many times; but right now I really do not know if it can. I want to stop hurting. I want to get away from my responsibilities. I hope that after death there is some way I can at least imagine we are still together, and I do not have to worry about school, or careers, or anything. I do not want to feel this way anymore. I want help more than anything and I am starting to not be scared and I really do not know how much more of this I can do. I cannot make it.",Suicidal +19353,Iiiiiiiiiiiii fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckinggggggggg haaaaaaatee myselffffffffffff I did not think it was posible to be this big of a fuck up but here I am.,Depression +19354,I cannot concentrateI feel uselessI am gaining weight from stress eatingI do not recognise myself anymore I have no purpose in life I hate that I keep waiting for something to get better so that I can just get betterWhats the point Its all too much,Depression +19355,"I am always reminded how much of a failure i am everyday i go to college, everyday i open social media. I have no hope to achieve anything. Other people in my college are always better than me, no matter how hard I try i still fail. What bothers that some people say that they did bad and i look at their grades and shit and wonder 'how the fuck is that bad?"".I open social media and see people achieving their goals and living a good life and here i am stuck in the same place for far too long.I need to go to therapy but i cannot afford it and i do not know how to tell my parents that i need help.I am so fucking tired of this life i have no one to talk to; no one gives two shits about me or how i am. I have absolutely no one to talk to and i just need someone to talk to.I guess I am too messed up i wish I was a successful person. I do not think i can take this anymore. I am sorry mum if i end it I am really sorry but the pain is too much. I think I have sunk deeper than rock bottom",Depression +19356,"I am sure everyone is heard the term second hand suicide. Just wanting to end it all but not by your own hand. I am 34 and I have had 2 back surgeries with more to come. I live a life of prescriptions and pain. I am tired, and drained both Physically and mentally/emotionally. I am in constant pain with anxiety, anger from pain, worthlessness, etc. I do not speak to my family anymore and have only one friend, whom of which I was in the Marines with. We both suffer from medical issues but not the same on mental health. I am not the type, typically, to open up to anyone or do things like posting this here. Realistically a stranger does not know you so opening up to one does not mean anything. Venting does not change facts or pain. I just want it to stop. I ride my zx10 150-180 pretty much everywhere in hopes that I hit some gravel, have a car pull out, or do not negotiate a turn at high speeds. I drive my little wrx way to reckless in hopes of the same. My buddy is scared to get in a car with me, or do activities, since I have no sense of self preservation. All my activities have become meaningless and not even fun even more. I used to go wheeling in my taco every Friday and loved it. Id enjoy fly fishing trips, sitting on a porch for 6 hours just staring at north Idaho beauty. And now None of it brings me joy. I even asked my wife for a separation and moved her back home out of state because I cannot open up and I just do not find happiness in her, or anything. I often find myself sitting in a chair, staring at the water thinking, hoping, today is the day I have an accident. Also, everyone dies. If something happened then all sadness will pass. For my (part time) kids it will pass, my family will forget, people move on. Second hand suicide + Pain + PTSD",Suicidal +19357,"I have seen 4 counselors and read countless articles online, everything just seems so far off. I really do not want to get better. There is nothing that could possibly push me to get better or start taking better care of myself. I have been on meds for 2 months and were going to up my dosage but they do NOTHING. And I do not want to do anything other than take my stupid pills, there is nothing I could do to feel better. I try every coping mechanism but nothing is going to help me because I am CHRONICALLY ILL. Every therapist I see tells me that I will not get better if I am not willing. So what? I just stay broken forever. There has to be something more than this, something for me even if I am not willing to get better. What happens if I do not want to get better?",Depression +19358,"To get the important stuff out of the way first, I am pretty young, have been doing sh for about 10 years (due to a medical condition), and I just want to stop existing.to be more honest I just want to stop doing everything I have not eaten in about a day and I want to go out painlessly because I am scared of pain, nothing is working out for me, my parents have been looking for a therapist for 9 months and I have said in the past i do not want to take antidepressants but now I am thinking differently but I am too scared to ask for and start taking them I just want to end everything, things are too confusing I am not sure if my parents mentally abused me for 7 years because they are nice now I am not sure if i should stop talking to my friend because i accidentally incited a panic attack in one of them and the only good thing I have learned in the past 2 years is how to tie the only knot i can remember how to tie which is a noose, I have tried to get help from so many people I do not even remember most of their names anymore I got fucked by so many different things like school in first grade when i wrote a great story called ""I hate my life"" and my teachers did nothing I got diagnosed a while ago with some kind of depression but i forgot which one so i just tell people major because suicidal thoughts and actions are a part of that? I just wish i could die without hurting the people around me I wish i could help my boyfriend not want to kill himself after i die I guess i was also one of those ""gifted kids with burnout"" you see everywhere on the internet these days i used to get all As but now i almost failed all of my classes i do not even disearve to live anymore after all the things I have said and done i should not be allowed to live anymore so please someone become famous and yell at the outher famous people for being stupid (I know stupid dream right?) and uh goodbye possibly ill probobly just wake up tommorow wishing i died and go on with my day so i can add to my little fun reddit post here :) How do I stop?",Suicidal +19359,I feel so lost in life and do not believe in myself enough to change anything. Sometimes I feel that maybe I do not want to try to get better and would rather wallow in misery because I deserve it. I cannot even force .yself to call a psychologist or something when I know I desperately need it. I would rather lock away my feelings in a vault but then I take it out on those I love and it is not fair. So I guess i want to know how do other people manage to motivate themselves to seek help or at least make an effort to help themselves? I am so desperate at this point and do not know what I can do anymore. How To Gain Motivation?,Depression +19360,Early 30s female here Anyone want to chat for a few,Suicidal +19361,Its so awkward between us right now. We used to be very close. He was the only reason I woke up. I want to talk to him about this but I do not want to burden him anymore than I already am. I feel like I am losing my best friend,Suicidal +19362,"what is scary is it does not feel scary at all. I am calm, depressed yeah, but calmOr maybe that is a lie and I am delusional. I do not think the life I live is sustainable. Even if it is not tonight. What of tomorrow and the next day? so forth.This is where life leads time and time again. The boy cried again and again.The village did not know there was always a wolf.Holy fuck I am going to dieI cannot stop it I picked up my supplies. I want to go tonight",Suicidal +19363,And I have been brutally depressed since I can remember. Did you also partake in the serotonin joyride? ?I am genuinely curious. I did a lot of ecstasy when I was young,Depression +19364,"Hey everyone. I am 14, and all my life I have struggled with anxiety, OCD, and in the past 2 years I have really started to struggle with a depressive disorder. My plan is to ask a doctor about bipolar disorder this year. I have lost so many friends. So many friends. I lost the best girlfriend I could have ever asked for. I feel like a failure and that life is just over. I wake up crying, I cry every night. I am constantly stressed over so much. I cannot be happy for more then 15 minutes. Therapy and meds have not helped. I am really struggling, just wanted to open up and try to help some other people.Thanks This is my first post here in this community",Depression +19365,"Life is fucking horrible. I do not want to be happy anymore I am tired of hoping. I got attached to being drained mentally. If its morally right to commit suicide I would probably do it without hesitation. Fuck being me. They said better days are coming well based on my experience it will not, i should prolly stop hoping like it will come someday. I have lost interest in everything. Starting now Ill disassociate myself with the world, fuck everyone is expectation of me, fuck everyone is perception of me. I was a kind person before I guarantee that Ill start being cold now fuck it. I just hope I die soon enough on my bed while sleeping",Depression +19366,"School scares me a lot. Certain parts and apps on my phone scares me too. I also get weird chest tightening unease whenever I go near any platforms wherein there is people, be it gatherings or just social media.I have also been neglecting my school because of it. I want to try and fix my life, take baby steps gradually. But I just cannot. The unease I get is so overwhelming that I just fail to function everytime.Online schooling made it worse. Two things I hate most in one. We use facebook for schooling. And I just cannot deal with it properly. I tried telling myself that this will all pass and I just have to endure for now a little bit, but I have endured so many things already that I am scared to experience it again.I am scared and I do not know where this feelings rooted from. Why is it that others get to do things with ease which most would deem as 'normal'. While I am here, scared to even look at it. So I escaped everything. But that is never enough, because there is always that little gnawing reminder of all the things I set aside in the corners of my brain. No, actually, it is like the elephant in the room that I never want to address.--I told my mom and sister about it. Well, I did not tell them willingly, they read my diaries full of my depressive ramblings. So they confronted me about it. Confronted. It was last year, but I still remember everything they told me. In that diary, they found out I was suicidal, and how my mom dealt with it was by telling me how expensive coffins would be and that I am inconsiderate for even thinking about killing myself and that I should just forget about my 'traumas' because, apparently, it is that easy. In that diary they also found out about my molestors, and one of them was my own cousin. My sister said that I should just forgive him, that he is still a family, and I should just try to be more friendly with him because she reasoned ""he is probably changed now."" Not to mention, she also invalidated my grief by telling me that ""I am even more depressed than you."" and I hate how she said it a tone which I guess was supposed to console me.I told them I want to get therapy. My mom said that if I do, I will be taken to mental hospitals where people will experiment on me to make me even crazier. Sorry, I know it sounds ridiculous but she really said that. she is one of those people who believe that Bill Gates is out to control everyone through microchips in covid vaccines.\_()_/ My sister, though, she agreed that I should be taken to therapy, not the one I was expecting nor was it what I needed. She took me to family gatherings with people that I want to strangle, she walked me to parkd, invaded all my diaries and forced me to tell all about it in detail. After all that, she would ask me if I still have depression. I need to ramble.",Depression +19367,"I cannot do it, but I want to. But too many people rely on me. Two people would be homeless without me, and at least one other would be greatly upset. So, I cannot. But I have had lengthy, extended fantasies about it. I have planned out a few options. I have the means. I mean, everyone does, really. Sometimes, I almost have the full intent. But I have to settle a few things, first. And that might take a while. Hopefully by the time everything is settled, the need will have passed. I am just so tired of everything. I am ready. I tried getting over things. I tried forgetting, forgiving, seeking help. It does not fix anything. And it never will, not really. But as long as people need me to exist, I will. I have to. Need, not want. I do have three plans waiting. All simple, and likely effective. This is not my first time thinking through this. One day, it will be my last. Maybe tonight. If I lose control. Wrote up a simple advanced directive and a few personalized notes. I am ready. When it is time. Like I said, I cannot do it, yet. So I will try to stick around for a while, sort my affairs. you all be good. I am just tired",Suicidal +19368,i just had a really bad crying session i think something happened in my head because for the past few hours I am just void of emotion. this has only happened to me once before back in 2016 when my depression was really bad and it was the worst thing ever and took ages to go away. fuck i just want to die its so unfair that i have family and friends that would be hurt if i did its literally the only reason i do not emotionless,Depression +19369,Life is just full of shit. No one will care unless you are gone. I really wanted to die rn.,Depression +19370,"I think I might finally go through with it. I live in a state that does not have a waiting period to buy a gun. I have got the money and the time. I could go up tomorrow, spend $250-$300, and then Ill finally have the means to end things. I am nervous and scared, but I just want this to be over. Working up to it",Suicidal +19371,"It scares me, I constantly do not know what to do, her situations are horrible and I cannot relate and I do not know how to help, I feel overwhelmed but I am not even the one with depression, I am constantly scared in losing her, when we go back to school I just know its gunna get worse. I do not know what to do with my parters depression",Depression +19372,"I just like have no one to talk to right now, they are all busy and additionaly i do not want to bother them, but i really do not want to call or talk to any lines or talk to anyone i do not know, I just do not want to explain it from the beginning, I just wish my people were available. I just feel alone and i hate this. I just really need a hug but I am stuck here I feel alone",Suicidal +19373,"today I looked through my photos and saw "" a year ago today "" it was me crying over a person who is now blurry when I try to think of them . I thought she killed herself . I thought it was my fault for not helping her, long story short . she is alive. I want you to look at yourself from a year ago today no matter if you were happy or sad . Reflect. promise yourself that next year there will be a "" a year ago today "" .that is all - cas a year ago today .",Suicidal +19374,"what is the point of trying to make my room all nice and clean and functional when I am so depressed in it anyway, life never goes any way that is planned, and I have no clue what my life will look like even 6 months from now. We were supposed to be moving in together and it is so uncertain that I am struggling to suppress the urge to just say I do not want to anymore. When it is all I want.I am just so upset. I want to cut but I do not, i want to die but I do not want to do it, if I die I am just going to be deadnamed a lot at my funeral but I will be dead so who cares really. I do not want to do this or be here. I do not like self harming when I am upset because of her because I never want her to feel like she is the one hurting me like that. she is actually the best but I am just so upset at the situation and I do not have anything else to do. No one to cry with right now. I am just in this stupid house and i do not want to be. I hate this body i hate this existence. Why did I have to be made this way, there is too much wrong with me. I had my first appt with a new therapist today and i sounded so put together today and now I am alone in the dark crying and wishing I would die and she totally has the wrong impression of me now because i am no longer okay. I just cannot ever sleep. I do not know what to do with myself every night. I am so fatigued at the time. I do not want to work, i physically feel so bad. And yet i have to and i have an interview tomorrow and id rather just perish. I just do not want this body or existence. It is so painful. I have been lying to myself trying to make myself feel enjoyment or trying to feel good about things by doing my hobbies and making my room nice but nothing will ever help or mask this. Il never get out of this house. I do not want this",Suicidal +19375,Id kill myself if I lived alone by now. The only thing holding me back is my family. I do not want my cousins or grandma to find my body. I think that jumping off a bridge is my best option or killing myself in a car wreck then maybe Ill be able to kill myself; but then again all I need is the courage to do it. I want to kill myself but I do not want my family members to find me.,Suicidal +19376,All this trauma I cannot take it. I cannot handle all of this fucking drama. I HATE IT. I loved you. I miss you. I just want to talk to you holy fucking shit,Suicidal +19377,"i do not know what i did wrong but he left me and is ignoring me and blocking me on everything. he was my reason to live and it seemed so suddenly he thought i was manipulating him when i have no idea what i would want from him. he also said his gut feeling came back. i do not know what to do. i want to do something but i cannot. i have to give him space but he supported me so much but i do not haeve any support anymore. and it does not help that my fucking dad told me I am below him and inferior to him. and my family is dysfunctional. he knew that, he knew i was having a bad time and that i was going through antidepressant withdrawal, but he lied to me. he said he would never do this so suddenly and that he was working towards supporting me more and more everyday. he coveredd up his feelings and lied about it on purpose to lead me on but now i feel like i have no one. i do not have my family and i have no other friends. i do not know what i did to him he suddenly said he could not trust me i have no fucking idea what i did. he concealed all of his feelings about me and told me this would not happen. now I am left with nothing. i did everything around him. i was myself around I am and defined myself as who i act around him. and now hes gone. i want to put a bullet in my head. i do not know what to do of who i am or what is happening. i do not want to end it here, i want him to know that he ruined my life. he knows what this does to me but he does not give a shit. i cannot make friends. I am going to be alone. i have t lived the past 6 years without him. what do i do anymore? i need someone to talk to desperately I am panicking so fuckinf badly.i need someone to tell me they care about me or that they love me even if they do not. i just want someone to care or support me. i want the same support and comfort. maybe i should just kill myself because i am a terrible person. at the end of the day I am a pathetic loser. i do not know what i did wrong to him but if he thinks lowly of me i believe him. i must be as bad as he thinks i am. everyone is telling me I am not a manipulator and that he is trying to play the victim but he knows me the most. i deserve the death sentence. i see the same 4 walls everyday i need to go. i need help. i do not want to die but i cannot stand to live i lost him",Suicidal +19378,"I did not think Id get this far. Ultimately did not kill myself last year, when it was honestly the most appropriate time to do so. I am not feeling any better; I have just postponed by own execution. Why did not I do something? Is this just going to be a never ending cycle where I say I am going to kill myself and I just never do? Is that just living with extra steps? I was always convinced Id be dead by 25. Now I am almost 26 and idk what to do anymore.",Suicidal +19379,"I was diagnosed with both anxiety and depression at a very young age, so I have had to deal with it most of my life. I find that they come in big waves for me, and I am currently stuck in one right now. I started a new job back in April where I usually work 4-5 days there, and I have another job where I am only there on a weekend. Sometimes I find myself working 6 days in a row and its so mentally and physically exhausting. Everytime I come home from work I want nothing more than to just lay in my bed and sleep. My family definitely thinks something is up, but I do not really talk to them about it. However, I do talk to my partner and friends about it and I find that it does not do much. Venting about my struggles for me is really therapeutic and gets me out of my head, but I find that when I do it sometimes, that they do not really care? Or respond in a condescending type way (if that makes sense) I do not really have any other people I am close with (due to my social anxiety) so I usually talk to them the most about it. My partner is an absolutely amazing and wonderful person, but sometimes when I try to explain to them what I am feeling or going through, they do not really understand or give me advice that people who deal with depression do not really want to hear. Its not really their fault though especially if they have never felt like this before. I guess all I want is for people to say that they are there for me or whatever because I like reassurance. I am so tired all the time",Depression +19380,"Long story short, I am working with a psychologist to finally get to the root of 25ish years of moderate depression. it is hard to explain everything through the trauma I remember having suffered, mostly body dysmorphia and being a social outcast. There are some other things that potentially point towards sexual abuse at a young age. I cannot remember a thing and there are no risk factors for abuse in my very loving family, though there was some risk exposure to someone outside my family. Since working with my great psych i have started to feel occasional feelings after decades of emotional repression I am also starting to be a lot more aware of dreams that often involve me violently defending myself, though contain no sexual content. The dreams lately have been really rough, it is like even when I sleep I am not resting. it is just very disorienting not knowing if anything happened or if it did what it was. I am also worried I am reaching for an explanation of my depression that goes beyond what I already know (a feeling like what I was subjected to does not justify the level of depression I have suffered). It would be helpful to know what someone is experience was like uncovering fully repressed trauma of any kind. The good news is that I never tried to kill myself even after years of strong ideation (though came close to accidental death a few times doing high risk sports and jobs). I have managed to keep my health and avoid the very alluring pull of drinking and drugs. I have a wonderful partner, two amazing dogs, a great family, and good career, and some wonderful friends. I can even afford some treatment. I know lots of folks here have very difficult life circumstances that exacerbate their depression and I really feel for them. It is quite disorienting when you basically have everything going your way and still feel like shit though. Thanks! What was your experience uncovering and processing repressed trauma?",Depression +19381,"So here is the situation. My girlfriend is having serous problems at home and is contemplating suicide. For reference her life has not been easy, her parents have both passed away from alcohol and she was once homeless. Now she is recently lost her job and her grandmother who she is living with will not let me see her until she finds a job and if she does not by next week she is going to be kicked out, even tho she is actively trying her hardest. Id have her move into my place but my mom will not allow it. She is refusing any help at this point and I am afraid she is not going to be there by tomorrow morning. I do not know what to do. I am really afraid. She not only has me but two siblings and a lot of friends who care about her. I know getting that through to people in that mindset can be next to impossible, but I am so scared that she will not be alive tomorrow. Someone please if there is any advice you have Ill take it. I just want her to live. she is so important to me. My girlfriend needs help, and idk what else to do",Suicidal +19382,Every day I think about this. I just want something to take me out quickly. I am so sick of my depression and anxiety. The only thing that brings me any comfort anymore is that I will be dead one day. I just hope its soon. I fantasize about dying in a car accident,Suicidal +19383,"Perhaps the worst human I saw today was in a wheelchair, no arms, older female with braces. Ummm why is it important she has straight teeth and who pays for this? I swear every person I see I think is like a movie extra the devil has purposely put in my path to disturb me. No advice. No kind words. You either relate or you do not. Idgaf about your positive thoughts and feelings. If Satan is real he is doing a good job putting triggers everywhere",Suicidal +19384,"Just know that you are loved and that I care about each and every one of you. If you want to talk to someone, I am here. I cannot promise that it will get better, because I do not know that it will, but I can promise you that I will listen. Important for you",Suicidal +19385,Does depression get worse at certain times of the day? Does depression get worse at certain times of the day?,Depression +19386,I have pretty much always been depressed. Like since I could remember. When I was little I was always a little sad but never to that extreme but as I got older every day gets harder and harder. I am a teen and online schooled. Whenever I get out of bed (if i do at all) getting work done is the last thing on my mind. I just have this terrible brain fog and I have trouble processing everything around me. My room is so messy I can barely walk through it. It is not dirty like gross or anything but everything I own is scattered across my floor. I am to tired to take care of myself and I cannot even hold a conversation without getting angry. I am on medication that actually helps quite a bit so I have no clue what it would be like without it. I try to find a therapist but whenever I go it is like I temporarily trick myself into thinking that I am fine and completely refuse to go. Many of my friends are going off to college and I do not have the energy to maintain a long distance friendship or make new ones. I am falling behind in every aspect of my life. I try to make systems to help myself out but I wish I could just have someone come and put my pieces back together so that I can resume life. I have lost all my ambition and I do not know what to do anymore. Does anyone know what I can do. My life is a mess,Depression +19387,"i overdosed a few days ago and was discharged but was not allowed to go home due to the fact that my alcoholic cousin was furious about another situation, no one cared no one called no one checked on me, i just wanted someone there for me through it first attempt",Suicidal +19388,"or I am too lazy to do anything about it, but I have had a lot of back and neck tightness since quarantine and i just feel so lazy that i have not even tried to go to some doctor about it. I thought maybe the pain helps distract me or something, but idk that does not sound very right I like being in pain?",Depression +19389,I am on a trip with a friend and after this I will take my life. It feels surreal that it gets closer every day. I wonder if I will actually go through with it. I have a plan for my suicide.,Suicidal +19390,"please just stop. i just want the world to stop i need like a month to just get my energy back I am so mentally exhausted i cannot handle all of this smothering me at once every small thing is killing me because there is so much happening at once, especially with my depression worsening. every little bad thing is destroying me. and its making me want to focus on every negative thing which is worsening my mental health even more. i was supposed to kill myself today but did not. I am in the worst place I have ever been at in my life why am i being tormented by the universe like this? i want to go home because this is not home, this is not my resting place. please I am begging just no",Depression +19391,"I was bullied mercilessly as a kid. As a kid, as a teen, and even now as an adult. People either avoid me completely or laugh at me.I do not express myself well. I cannot drive. People do not want to hire me. People do not want to be my friend. People do not want to love me.My family makes it clear they think I am strange and are ashamed to be around me in public. They purposely leave me out, do not invite me,and make remarks about me that make me feel like shit.I know I am an odd person. There are small things I try to change about myself and improve upon. that is limited but dammit, I try.Its nobodys fault I am autistic, but it makes life feel unmanageable. People exclude you and feel weird about being around you.I have no passion or goal to keep me going. Everything feels pointless. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. I am an autistic woman who contemplates suicide often. I keep experiencing rejection, after rejection, after rejection endlessly in every area of my life",Suicidal +19392,"I would like to start off by saying that I am in no way in any immediate danger to myself. I have been struggling pretty badly with some depression lately. Suicide does cross my mind but I have never given it any serious thought. I have 2 kids and I keep flip-flopping between thinking that they need me and thinking that they would be better off without me. Has anyone lost a parent to suicide? How did it affect you? I start to think that if it ever comes down to it, maybe they would understand later on. Lost a parent to suicide?",Suicidal +19393,"No one is probably going to see this or say shit but I want to die and that is all to it, but ok cannot because all objects I can use have been hidden and I am being monitored. If you are wondering why it is because my mother decided to get pissed off at me for telling her to stop stealing my shit, now she is made me feel like shit and she is said she would take me to my alcoholic fathers house and leave me there, yeah my sister said she would not let that happen but more much she can do when mom drags me into the car, so if I go to his house I know the first thing I am going to do, and it could end in two ways, me killing myself with his pistol or me running the fuck away and fast. No one wants to listen so I may as well rant on here, if I do not die I will post and update in a week, bye. I want to die.",Suicidal +19394,"I have been losing the most important ones one by one for the past year. The person who made huge progress on my trust issues knocked me down again. I want to take the car and run myself off the road while flooring it. I think about that every day, but have been telling myself everything will turn around soon but I have realized its just wishful thinking. I have noone anymore, i just wanted to get it said, however that is going to help me I am not even trying to hold on anymore",Suicidal +19395,i just know i would be at peace finally when I am dead then i would not be able to destroy everything i touch. I am trying so hard to hold on but I am so tired. i ruin everything. i let my insecurities get the better of me every single time. i just want to leave idk how much more of this i can take. dude i literally do not want to be here,Suicidal +19396,"I vividly remember being severely suicidal starting at age 7 continuing through age 15. I have healed a lot since then and found a purpose, but it scares me how easy it is to fall back into those suicidal thoughts. It all stems from this overwhelming, deep rooted shame that started when I was 6. Things were so bad around me, but I did not understand why, so I internalized it all, blamed myself, and felt absolutely disgusted by myself. Now, shame comes so easily to me. If I make the slightest mistake, I immediately think I hate myself or I want to kms. Sometimes Ill even blurt it out loud. Like a strange reflex I cannot control. I have these intrusive thoughts dozens of times each day, but when things really start to go poorly, like if I genuinely do fail or am going through life struggles, its all too easy to fall back into that shame spiral and more serious suicidal thoughts.I called the hotline during the pandemic. Made me feel so awkward, but it did make me realize how stupid it would be to go through with it. Glad I called.I feel like I have worked so hard to earn a life I should be proud of. But because I crossed that line into suicidal thoughts and self loathing at such a young age, its like Ill never be free of those feelings no matter how much purpose I have. Once you go to that dark of a place at such a young age, it changes you forever. You can still find happiness and meaning, but you can never undo what you went through as a kid. Was suicidal at a young age, now suicidal thoughts are a part of me",Suicidal +19397,So many traps to fall prey to It really is a modern jungle out there..,Depression +19398,"Work, despair, dread here is to another day of shit! least it is payday though there is not anything I can buy that will make me happy for more than 5minutes... another night of dreading tomorrow",Depression +19399,I did something unforgivable. I cannot say what because I am too ashamed. I deserve to die for how I have hurt people. I should die. That way I cannot hurt anyone else. Its really selfish of me but the guilt is eating me alive. I cannot stop thinking of ways to kill myself. I did something horrible to someone and now I must pay,Suicidal +19400,"Hi,Ever since I became self-aware my life has been sticking to a rope, just hanging on. Past year I have realized there is no reward for hanging on to that rope. I guess it shows you that life is not good. there is no one to save you. And I would not want anyone to save me. If I am not strong enough to pull myself out of this shit then I do not deserve to live. I am not worth anything. Since that realization I have been suicidal, even though I realize my thoughts are irrational, in a sense. I fantasize about jumping of a tall roof, but I think I cannot do it. I abuse alcohol daily. Tonight I have had 700ml of whiskey. I have had streaks of quitting alcohol and finding myself worse than before quitting, even after physical and mental withdrawals. I keep going into different addictions and hating myself, but whenever I beat my addictions, I just find myself hating this world, so I keep going back to weakness. Life seems like hell either way. does not matter if I fuck myself up or not.I just do not know where to go from here. I feel stuck, even though I am objectively looking well off. I have a good financial position and my health is good. I just cannot seem to care about anything. I tried an antidepressant at the end of last year for 3 months but that made me feel terrible, like I was a zombie with no thoughts. I just do not know what to do or hope for at this point. I do not know where to go from here",Depression +19401,"i feel like a bug is itching its way through my insides and poking and prodding until it reaches my heart and i explode. i feel so lonely. unseen, and unheard. my life is consistently inconsistent. everything i try to do, i fail. everything that i love goes away. i cannot stay still, but when i do, its for the wrong things. i do not want to die, i want to evaporate. with one deep breath i want it to be my last. I have tried so many times for so many years and I am always back here. I am ready to be done. I am suffocating under the weight of myself. i just want to know peace. i want to be hollowed out",Depression +19402,"I think bad things sometimes. And I feel like rather than just thinking them, i should be getting them off my chest and talk to someone. Is this what therapy is like? I am going to the doctor soon and plan to bring up my depression and I want to be 100% honest. I need a place where none of my thoughts are off the table. Is it okay to think bad things?",Depression +19403,"People just use me to their end and then completely disregard me when it suits them. I either make people feel insecure or just uncomfortable or I am just annoying or cold. Either way I have never felt so alone in my entire life. All these good things happening with my career and yet I have no one to share in the joy, no one to live life with, take a walk with, build a life together. No one. Nothing. Not even real friends any more. I can sense it in how people talk to me. They do not want me around. it is clearly my fault but I do not know why and I do not know what to do. I genuinely think no one likes me",Depression +19404,"why is everything so difficult? I cannot get an apartment, I cannot get a new job, I cannot pay for school. I am 20 years old how am I supposed to afford all of this on my own? I work so hard and its never enough. I just want to die, I would be better off. I am so sad",Depression +19405,I have never been happy with who I am even as a kid I always wanted to be someone else . Even in video games I am never satisfied with most of the characters I create cus simply because I am the one playing them . I do not know how to be content w who I am at all I hope I am not like this for my whole life Conclusion : I have always hated myself,Depression +19406,They did not even know he had cancer two weeks ago and now he only as a week at most. What the fuck? Covid fucked him up pretty bad and they thought that was all that was wrong with him for a year. Which they were constantly monitoring him to get him back to normal from Covid. How did they not find out he was in stage 4 leukemia and brain cancer during at that testing. Insurance is not covering a ton of the testing and treatment of what they thought was covid so his wife is like 100k plus in debt for the medical care even before he got admitted for cancer and I do not have the money to help. A bunch of family hate each other so I am one of the only ones to go see him. I am just so fucking sad everything sucks so bad right now. A family member of mine is dying of brain cancer and I do not know if hell be conscious for me to say goodbye by the time I get across the country to see him for the last time.,Depression +19407,I am tired. People saying do not judge then judge others. Respect my opinion but i do not have to respect yours. Agree with me but i do not have to agree with you. you all can havethisworld. And all the animals. Idcnomore. I am going to do this before the weekend comes. I'lldo everyone especially wh.ite People a favor and h.ang myself. Imanigg.er I am tired of this hypocritical world and the hypocritical people in it including myself. that is why i m.ade a no.ose out of my long charger cord,Depression +19408,"I am tired. First off all I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. Not that I believe anyone would really care. I have been down that road once and I know it is not the answer. As far as people caring, they would only care because if something happened to me they are worried about how they would be judged. I am in therapy and I take my meds everyday and things have reached a stalemate. it is like I am stuck in 1st gear. At least I cannot reverse, but I cannot gain any speed either. I had my second back surgery last year and I gained some strength back, but I have been in a lot of pain since. I am essentially a diabetic, I have high blood pressure, I need to lose a few pounds... but what is the point? I have been denied for disability twice already. They tell me I can go back to work. I walk with a cane, I have digestive issues, my social anxiety limits my interaction with people. I have asked for help and it keeps getting turned back on me. That I need to do more for myself. I have an exercise bike, but I am not allowed to set it up anywhere. So it is just sitting in a box. I cannot even walk across the street to the mailbox without being in excruciating pain and completely out of breath. I mean out of breath to the point that I am afraid of passing out every time I have to do something. I was told I could go to the gym, but I cannot. that is why I got my recumbent bike. All I want is a dog. A big goofy dog that will crawl up beside me and fall asleep. Maybe then I could fall asleep and not have to worry about my dreams. Dreams that always have me trapped with no way out until I wake up. Maybe if I felt safe I would not dream those dreams. I am forty years old and I do not have any control over my own life. I am waiting. Waiting on my doctor's visits to be approved. Waiting on someone to help me get there. Waiting to tell my therapist everything that is happened since the last time we talked. I cannot do this much longer because I am weak. My body is literally weak. My heart is skipping beats again. I am sleepy and I just woke up from a for hour nap. My whole body is aching and I think I am getting a headache. I am just lost right now. I think knowing that no one cares is scarier than feeling like my body is giving out on me. I hate being alone. I am just waiting...",Depression +19409,Is it even possible for me to live a happy fulfilling life? Will I ever be genuinely happy again?,Depression +19410,"Its a blessing and a curse. And I do not know if it comes from meds or from depression itself, but lately I have that feeling where nothing bothers me at all because I hardly care. This is great when I am facing a situation that would normally make me spiral. The bad part is that I am also not interested in anything at all, music is not exciting me, nothing sounds fun, it all just is what it is and I do not really have feelings attached to anything. Emotional numbness?",Depression +19411,I had to call an ambulance for my friend because she tried to od I am scared but I am happy I have saved her Scariest moment of my life,Suicidal +19412,"Needed to vent do not mind me. FUCK! I am so tired of being tired, I do not even have the energy to be pissed off and I am exhausted constantly. I keep trying to bounce back with a positive mindset but damn these curveballs are not quittin!!",Depression +19413,"I have been feeling a giant mental breakdown coming for the past few days, ever since my mom started shit with me last week. she is got to be a sociopath or something bc she truly feels no remorse and has no sympathy for anyone but herself. she is a crazy gaslighter and always makes me feel like everything is my fault when I know that it is not. Anyway, I have been having an abundance of issues that have all started after my dad unexpectedly passed away last year. I think its due to the immense amount of stress and grief. Its very upsetting bc these health issues take so much of my life away - I have physical limitations now and very strict diet restrictions. Its a very hard adjustment especially when its all hitting at the same time. I have been able to handle it tho up until my mom starts shit with me. Then I just get so triggered I break all the way down. So I have been extremely upset due to all of this. I was writing a list of all the reasons I hate my life. And literally as I am in the middle of writing, my mom walks in the door and starts more shit with me. I am shaking and I feel so paranoid and even delusional, like I am losing touch with reality I am so upset. All these memories of the past year come flooding back. I am so stuck cannot get a break",Depression +19414,"I have been struggling so much for the past 4-5 months. My husband left me in March, and we have been separated ever since. He wants a divorce, and I do not. I just started a job that is labor intensive and terrible, but I need to work it to make money because he left me with several bills. I feel so alone. The intrusive thoughts do not subside and I dread waking up every day. The pain is constant and terrible. I have struggled with mental illness my whole life, but it seems that it is been worse as of lately considering my current situation. I just need help and cannot afford a therapist. I do not have anyone to talk to, so I have come to Reddit. I just want everything to be different. I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +19415,"I feel like I am giving slowly, my only option now is to probably get on some kind of antidepressant before I end up killing myself. It seems that there is not much else I can do otherwise. I talk a lot to my friends, in general I cannot complain about having a lack of people yo talk to. But I lack the ability to derive I guess, some kind of feeling of security from even that, they are good friends, I just cannot connect with them it seems. That problem has had me thinkimg about death all to often, n just sustaining myself with distraction really, it feels like things are all over the place, but I want to get better, I will try to get some antidepressants n see if they help, I do not feel like doing this just as I am without some kind of help anymore. I just feel like I am drifting",Depression +19416,I am killing myself by the end of the month life is not worth never gets better,Suicidal +19417,"For some reason, I woke up today and finally admitted that I am depressed as fuck.Like the bad kind of I cannot even stay awake long enough to get anything done kind of depressed.And then I realized I hate almost everything about my life right now:My career, my relationship, my fianc, my parents who have been awful for a long time, the house I live in, the city I live in.Yeah. I fucking hate my life and it makes me depressed and that makes me angry.I am done caring. I am just going to do what I want and make my life happy. I am done being patient with people. I am done caring about people who do not care.I want to be content and at peace in my life so I am going to fucking do it and I will not be bothered by other people or too much of what is going around me anymore.I want to live my goddamn life. Fuck depression. I am angry. I hate my life and that is good",Depression +19418,"I feel like the last four years were just a big scam. College did not give me any new prospects and it gave me \~$30,000 in debt plus \~$60,000 of parent plus loans for my immigrant mom who does not even know that she took out those loans becuse she cannot speak or read english.I have an awesome girlfriend but she lives in another country on the other side of the world and we have not met in person yet. I promised her that we would meet this summer but covid changed our plans. I need to find some entry level job so I can start paying off this massive loan but it just looks so hopeless. I am thinking of getting 2 jobs, maybe one in retail and one at an Amazon warehouse but even then it would take me forever to pay them off. If I cannot live with or even visit my girlfriend then maybe I am not the right guy for her. At this point I am just a financial burden for my parents; not to mention a massive dissapointment. I have two younger brothers and I feel like they will learn from my massive errors and do the right thing after high school. But I do not think there is any hope for me anymore. Just graduated college and feel like my life is reaching an expiration date",Depression +19419,"I want to die so unbelievably bad. Everyone in my life left me and I have nobody to talk to, they only pretend to care until they have more important things to doMy life is over and I have no desire anymore. Nothing I ever wanted to do is an interest I have anymore. I put my life to my interests because I thought it would be what I wanted in the end but all I really wanted was to be able to be with my friends. I just wanted to feel accepted but I get berated for trying. Nobody wants to see me, my only friend for the past four years has gone totally no-contact on me. They hate me, everyone does. I would rather die than seek help. I wake up every day wishing I did not. It is so fucking terrible to keep me alive, I wish people would stop talking to me. I hope they care so I can see them suffer when I die. How can I perform partial hanging? Where do I buy SN Help",Suicidal +19420,everything is falling apart. i feel like a horrible person cos i let my insecurities get the better of me and i ruin friendships. i feel alone and worthless and stupid. and i feel like everybody hates me cos I am so annoying. i tried communicating with a friend that i felt lonely and she said it feels like ur trying to guilt trip me. and idk if i am but i was not trying to. i feel needy and disgusting and i would do anything to be someone else i do not think I have ever been more disgusted with myself ever,Depression +19421,"Well no one will ever really know who I am but I am a guy who has struggled with chronic depression for pretty much all my life. I cannot remember when I was actually truly happy. It got worse and worse as I got older and started to get even more shitty experiences in life. Constantly reminded by women that I am unattractive or that I was not any girls type all my life that yea if every girl I have ever met thinks that then Ill probably never have a romantic relationship. All I have ever wanted was to finally meet a girl and for her to think I am worth it. But Ill never be good enough. I am a broken dude who has zero self esteem, I have no confidence, and I hate myself more than anyone ever could. Everyday I just stay in my room wishing I could be any other guy but me. I wish I had never been born, I wish that I could just disappear Ill never just accept myself when all my life I have heard how ugly and worthless I am. I am now 23 and no future I am a failure and I am fine with it I guess or at least Ill have to fake it for a bit, until I just decide to blow my brains out. Vent post",Depression +19422,"I tried calling the the suicide hotline but I was on hold for 15 minutes and ready to scream. My nerves are shot. I am disabled, my son has Asperger's and my husband had two strokes at the end of January and I have no frickin help. I feel like I am going insane. I am really upset and just need to talk",Suicidal +19423,"I do not want to kill myself, but I feel like I have nothing to live for. I would be totally fine if I was in an accident tomorrow or even if I just faded away in my sleep tonight. I do not feel like I have any real friends. And no one would miss me. Yes I have people I talk to on a daily basis but would any of them be impacted if I was gone? No.My job would miss me the most only because there is a lot of things only I know how to do. But even there I would be eventually be replaced. I have no relationship with my family. So what is the point of living to just go through the motions? Its not like the world is a great place. Disease, politics, greed, poverty, etc just have everything getting worse every day. Like I said, I do not want to kill myself. But I have given up. I want to die",Depression +19424,"Hey you all, I am writing this from bed haha. I am currently recovering from insomnia and my sleep is just about ok now, but now I am just kind of depressed still. Some days Ill feel ok now which is great but on days like today I just have no energy or drive, then I get sad because I cannot do much. I am also still in bed for 10-11 hours a day which sucks too. I keep making progress slowly but I guess I am wondering if the energy thing is similar for anyone else. Thanks! Some days I am just so damn tired",Depression +19425,"I have been playing tennis for over 10 years and around 8 is the time i spent trying my hardest to become a pro in league of legends as well. It destroyed my right wrist and i need to get a surgery. Well i need to get it if i want it to funciton normally and i do not want to exist.I have gotten over 40 rejections IRL, no female friends, my own friends that I have known for 10-15 years now have actually trash talked me behind my back about my height and ugliness.I suck academically despite working my a$$ off.what is the point to live anymore? I am too scared to end it but i have no desire to exist anymore",Suicidal +19426,Because I need a hug I am going to guess a few of you do too. Sending virtual hugs to every single one of you because I care about you all. Because I need one,Depression +19427,"Today I went to a restaurant with my family while on vacation, and it was one I had not been to since my ex and I went when we were together over 3 years ago. I cried in the restaurant and could not stop. After he dumped me with no warning, I spent 6 months crying every single day and was suicidal. I had to go to therapy but I only had 2 sessions because I could not afford it. But I am mostly better with that, although I still have my days. I will return to therapy once I get a full time job again and can hopefully afford it.So yeah -- I just started crying in the restaurant because it overwhelmed me with memories (same restaurant but different location). Guess I am still not over him. I have not tried to date since, I am not even interested in meeting anyone. I always had mild depression but I feel that break up was so traumatic that it broke something inside of me. I felt a piece of myself die. Has a traumatic event made you feel like that? Did your depression get worse? Idk the point in this or what I am asking for -- I just needed somewhere to write this and get it off my mind. Thank you everyone. Remember to love yourself first before anyone else Had a set back today",Depression +19428,"I am 24 F know that ill neevr be enough for them. I do not know but this is not related to this group, but i have my depression , i really hate myself and i do not think i should go on anymore. I hope you guys will have your happiness unlike mine. But maybe this is the end. Still not enough",Depression +19429,I do not even understand why suicide is considered wrong. If anything suicide does everyone else a favour by not having to get rid of you themselves. Why should peoples existence burden others when those same people can just free their loved ones from themselves. I cannot wait until Saturday so everyone can finally celebrate I am gone. I wish I was never born. I am such a mistake in this world. So tired,Suicidal +19430,"I see everybody around me thriving, and getting happier, and doing better for themselves.But I am not.Do you know how it even feels to see everybody doing better than you and you are just falling deeper into a terrible state? I need a sign or something; that everything's going to be okay. Because recently, it just seems like everything will be okay for everybody else.Except me. Is it just me?",Depression +19431,"If nothing gets better by Saturday, I have to do what I need to do. Everyone hates me and its better I do them this favour than continue to hang on for one more day. I am so tired. Found my femoral artery",Suicidal +19432,"I got pregnant on birth control when I was a junior in high school. When I found out I was pregnant I was already too far along. I had my daughter a month after I turned 18. She is 6 now. I have done my best to raise her all by myself. Her dad was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me in front of her. He never helps take care of her and he never pays child support. But he has visitation with her so I still have to deal with him.I do everything I can for my daughter while her dad gets to party, live abroad, date whoever he wants, and do whatever he wants. I finished high school, worked, and went to college. My life has been a cycle of mom, school, mom, work, mom, cook, mom, sleep, mom, repeat for the past 7 years. And I do not think I deserve sympathy for that. I made the choices that brought me here, my daughter did not. She is only here because of me and I owe it to her.I have completely lost myself and I am so depressed. I have not had a social life since high school. I have no friends and I have no hobbies. I do not have time. I have stretch marks and saggy breasts from being pregnant and I hate my body. I did not get the college experience. I had to take online classes so I could take care of my daughter and work. And I had to work remotely because my daughter had to do remote learning during COVID. My daughter's dad barely uses his visitation but I hate having to deal with my abuser. I just want to block him and move on with my life but I constantly have to be reminded of the abuse.I have the most amazing boyfriend. He makes me feel happy and alive. He loves my daughter and she loves him. But I am so scared I am going to ruin it and it makes me depressed. He does not have any kids and I am scared that he is going to get tired of taking care of a kid that is not his or he is going to find someone else who does not have kids. We rarely get to have alone time and do adult things together. And I have never admitted this but I am jealous of him. If he wants to go out and have fun, he can. I wish I could go out with him but I cannot. He has a high-paying job that he gets to travel for. I wish I could have a job like that. I wish I could go on his trips with him. But instead, I am stuck here with my boring low-paying remote job. And he does not have to deal with an abusive ex for the rest of his life.I love my daughter and I feel so guilty saying this. I want to enjoy being a mom so badly but I do not. it is so hard and I am so sad. I wanted to get married and have kids my entire life and this is not how I envisioned my life to go at all. My mom noticed that I am depressed and said that therapy can help me. I agree that I need to go to therapy but I do not know how. My mom also offered to take care of my daughter temporarily so I can get established in a career I enjoy, spend some time with my boyfriend, and get healthy and happy. But would that make me a horrible mom? I just do not know anymore. :( Single mom and struggling",Depression +19433,"Sorry if the title does not make sense. All of you guys are probably tired of my bitching.I wanted to kill myself multiple times in my life, but I could never bring myself to do it. I do not know what is stoping me. Its just the same shit every day. I am drowning in gender dysphoria. I just want a normal male body, and it will never happen.I wish I was ballsy enough to just end it already. I know I will not make it make it to age 30. I really should have killed myself when I was 15. But I cannot bring myself to end it. Ready to leave, but not ready to go.",Suicidal +19434,that is all i wanted to say lol I am not happy,Depression +19435,"I am twenty nine and I mostly want to disappear. I do not really want to die. What scares me the most is my ability to endure, and endure, and then endure some more. My life was designed to be shit from the moment I was born. My whole family is mentally ill; my mother is a bipolar who only got on meds well into her forties, my father is a high-ish functioning autistic, and my brother has had schizophreneia since he was fifteen. I have been abused by my parents for years, I have had two major depression episodes, one when I was twelve and one at eighteen, anxiety and panic attacks since I remember myself. I was never taken to a doctor as a child, I was seen by a psychiatrist later in life and was put on meds but could not tolerate them at all. I have never been in therapy. I have always been either overweight or skin and bones, I am socially awkward and too argumentative and bitchy and nerdy, all of which qualities are unforgivable in females who are not attractive. I have always been very introverted though it is not in my nature to be introverted, I have let people take advantage of me and I have abused myself in various ways. I never had an adult or older person who can guide me in any way, the only one for a while was my aunt, who would only help me financially, and since she told me that the reason she did it was so that I would be her nurse when she grew old, I have not spoken to her. I have only one friend, who lives in another city, who miraculously escaped the purge I did a few years ago. I literally cut ties with many people overnight in a fit of self respect. All my friends have been fake, because I do not have the ability to be vulnerable around people enough to form real connections. I have a boyfriend since three years ago who is from another country and I have not seen in a year and a half because of covid. I am a dropout, and right now I am completely broke and cannot work because of covid, and my boyfriend lost his job and is looking for one that will allow him to live overseas which seems impossible so far. We are both poor. Neither has a house, or money. I love him so much and he is the first person I was ever able to open up to the degree that I have. he is been with me through thick and thin, even though I am a horrible bitch and take out my anger on him sometimes. I am sometimes very toxic towards him. Intimacy often makes my skin crawl if I really think about it. He has his own baggage, but nowhere near as bad as mine. he is in therapy and keeps telling me I need to get a therapist. I think about breaking up with him all the time, because he deserves better. Sometimes I pretend to joke and tell him he should stay where he is and get a nice cute girlfriend with money, but I really do think about it. I think that if I do break up with him, it will have to be at a time when I will be able to off myself soon after, so that I will not feel pain for long. I have told him all these thoughts, and I think I freaked the shit out of him but he listened. he is the only good thing in my life, and that is why I feel like I need to protect him, by stepping aside.I feel like I am poison. I feel responsible for everything. Shame and guilt and the past stain everything. I have survivor's guilt over my brother, why did he get my mother's genes and not me? I have immeasurable anger towards my parents, my controlling psychotic mother and my father who has only checked in with his family to vent his anger. I feel contempt and envy towards sunny, happy people, even people with problems, even people with some problems, or one big problem. I am jealous of those too. I feel like no one can understand, I feel like no one has it as bad as I have it. Or maybe they do understand that is why they look at me with pity. I hate them, I hate people up close. The idea of people is much more appealing than the reality of stupidity, entitlement and selfishness. And yet am I any better? I want to disappear and fake my death and live away from society. I see people that leave everything behind and go live alone in some jungle or whatever, and I am so, so jealous of them. To constantly live in the moment, because you have no choice, because it is a matter of survival. I feel trapped and suffocating, and even though I do want to live, I want to be the person I feel I was meant to be, smart, funny, capable, I do not think it is meant to be. I feel like a naive idiot for having any dreams at all. I t does not help that I actually am naive and I have many life and money choices that really worsened things. I;ve been suicidal before and it was much more severe. I was this close and was stopped last minute. This time it does not feel urgent at all, it feels unavoidable. Steady but surely. The scary thing that I keep asking myself, is how much more can you take? The answer to that is: probably a lot more. And that I just cannot live with. I am emotionally burnt out. I am depressed. The thought of having to deal with anything is awful.I do not know why I am posting this. Probably to validate how shitty everything is. Everyone around me is acting as if nothing is wrong. Crazy shit happens and it is forgotten the next moment, brushed under the rug. I probably just want to be told that it could be worse, but not much. That my life is indeed an unequivocal clusterfuck. My problems are just too many and too unsolvabl",Suicidal +19436,"I cannot hand the complex ptsd anymore my muscles are spasm so hard and muscle relaxers not enough it physically psychologically emotionally and socially hurts. I could not even take my own shirt off today and I am in my 20 s wtf. I feel like a car hit my body after 7 chiropractic appointment and my doc tells me I have fibromyalgia and then when I ask for any help acts like my pain is not real. Why the Fk did you tell me I have that then? My body hurt so bad I cannot even live my normal level of independence and I am so sick of having to have GIANT outcry for help to her or my husband and they do not get it and they just say be hopeful its going to get better in the meantime my independence is deminished drastically, my pride is severely wounded, I had to hold a butcher knife to myself to demand any acknowledgment of my pain while a person with a 50+ dog in a shopping cart nearly mowed me down for walking slow but yet that dog that is not even working is doing service. Esa animals are not ada service dogs and I cannot even be allowed to park closer to the store ? I just took a bunch of weed because I am probably going to Lose my god damn mind soon Gaslit",Suicidal +19437,i feel like killing myself would be a lot easier if i were religious. there is no heaven for me to look forward to. I am terrified of death. the loss of consciousness. the inability to change. this is not to say suicide is easy for those who are religious; suicide is a painful decision for anyone. I am just scared right now. i hate this reality and am terrified of losing it.,Suicidal +19438,"I am trying to do it since I do not have any way to do a full hang I tied rope to like a hook for towels on my door then just let my whole weight hang from the ropeAbs I just cannot do it I start feeling panic from the choking and when my legs start feeling cold.... so damm pathetic, I want to die so badly and I cannot even do that properly I keep panicking out of hanging....",Suicidal +19439,"I am tired of moving forward and no matter what I do to make myself a better person, I still feel like shit. Fuck everything and fuck my life, I hate it. My time needs to come soon because I am ready to let go. Nobody would give a fuck anyways. I think the world would be better if I did not exist anymore",Suicidal +19440,I sacrificed everything to achieve my dream and failed. Now I have nothing. I was happy with risking everything and knew a life outside of achieving my dream was not a life worth living to me. I have come to terms with my failure and am going to see what is on the other side. Sayonara bitches. Adios world,Suicidal +19441,"my depression has took a turn for the worst recently and now I am having trouble feeding myself. I have mostly just been drinking water to help get rid of the starving feeling but i think this makes me moody. I have been SO moody lately too and everyone is been driving me nuts. i do not know for sure if these symptoms are a result of not eating, but its hard to motivate myself to eat. i just do not have the energy for it and food does not taste as good as usual. even when I am high, my appetite is not too great either. i remember smoking used to make me so hungry but now it does not do the trick. does anyone else relate or have any advice maybe? i feel like I am ruining my body food",Depression +19442,"it is all I really want to do. it is how my life ends anyways. I ruin everything and everything I do not ruin is ruined for me. I have nothing,nobody, not a single reason to keep trying yet all I am able to do is stare at a bottle of pills and research ways to do it but am not able to. I know if I keep trying though eventually I will atleast make a solid attempt and its all I hope for because everything else I want is never going to happen Why cannot I kill myself",Suicidal +19443,"Sad girl hour\*I have came to the conclusion that I have never loved myself... Like... Ever ? You hear of people saying ""self love, self acceptance"" ""practicing self love"" and I have looked at ""ways"" of how these folks have achieved such a thing and I have tried you know? Positive self talk, bring grateful, taking time to yourself etc.. and I am just baffled like am I missing something ? maybe I do not commit myself fully to it, but it all seems a bit... Surface level ? Idk man. I just do not really like myself, I am super self aware like I know I am insecure,awkward and I know WHY I am insecure, I know I can be jealous and I know WHY I can be jealous, I have digged deep into my childhood/teenagehood and I know it is stemmed from there, I was bullied and put down a lot and then continuously into bad relationships, just grasping and searching for someone to love me to make up for not loving myself just rendering myself in a worse state than before the relationship... On the flip side I know I am loving to others, I am kind and I stand up for what is right, I have been able to become more confrontational as I have gotten older, I used to be that person who would get beat down and not utter a word back in self defence, so I guess that is a plus ?...But I do not think I am attractive, I hate that I feel flawed and jealous and insecure, I hate that the hobbies I once thrived on are just clutter in my cupboard and drawers now :'( I hate that I cannot sleep at night but waste most of my days away asleep, then when I am awake I am autopilot, just the basics to keep my house going and myself alive. it is bleak. I find hardly any pleasure in life, I hate the city I live in, I do not get to be in nature (or allow myself to be outside because being outside especially alone is so daunting, I \*need\* someone with me)much and when I am those are the few times I feel at peace, and sadly I am in no position to move to a place like that... I do not have any friends, because mentioned before I was bullied a lot as a kid/teen so it made me feel inadequate, my social skills suck balls I do not know how to keep friends, I have been able to speak to people in workplaces (I have not worked since the start of lockdown last year) and keep friendly relationships there but I have not been able to carry that on outside of it, even when it is been offered to me, I just feel like... I do not want to bother people with my inconsistency or just myself in general. Ugh, my dudes. This went a bit further than I thought, this was supposed to be just about not being able to wrap my head around how folk are able to make self love work for them because it does not click mentally for me lol. Self love ? Tf even is that ?",Depression +19444,"ever get home from going out somewhere then look in a mirror and think. was i this ugly and disgusting the entire time, how embarrassing. Its a harsh reality check Mirror is painful",Depression +19445,"I will have to wait a few days to do it, but I have mostly mentally checked out already. Not sure what to say. that is all folks",Suicidal +19446,"I need serious help. I am 33 and majority of my life has been alone, relationship-wise. Fell into depression, loneliness and co-dependency at 17. Despite loving travelling or doing many things with people, I have not because I have been alone and I would not be able to suspend the fact that I have no one to share the experience with enough to actually push myself to go. I had 2 2 year relationships, they both crashed and burned, involved people that I REALLY connected with and I am basically dead to both now. I want to get better but I have been so fucking lonely and while most people out there have the highlight reel of shit that they have done, I have got next to nothing. I intend on going into conversations with people talking about positive shit but I have had an extraordinarily boring life and so with nothing cool to talk about, I go to negative stuff in one way or another. Shit like trying to get comradery over the stuff we hate, like ""fuck lockdowns"" or Nickelback is such shit, blah blah blah. In the end I lose most everyone, everyone leaves. Then I get all burned out because I am fucking old with my best years behind me and I look at people (it is literally fucking everyone) people that travelled and done the events and pictures of them holding margaritas.Then if I ever try to reach out to someone or meet someone new, it is impossible to couch my severe misery and they fuck off quick because people around my age are married and pounded out 4 kids already and they do not want to hear the bullshit of someone struggling at square one. Online dating is an absolute fucking gutter and I waste days upon days upon days trying to get a decent response and even the morbidly obese think they are too good for me. I get ignored by literally everyone. I am in good shape, I used to think I looked good before online absolutely fucking destroyed my confidence and I am very financially secure but I am burning to death and it is taking my will to work, live, move. I will never find those great girls that I had in my relationship again as there is literally nothing out there when you take away the people that do not give a shit about their health, loaded with ugly tattoos, are completely void of a soul, are just online for vanity, or ignore you. I look around and everyone is coupled up and then I get ""do not make women your goal"", some more of this you have love yourself before you love someone else. Well, I am a person that yearned to be with someone since I was small and having loneliness instead just makes me wonder what the point is.. Tl;Dr - my mind has been filled with so much hate for myself, people, the disgusting selfish hedonistic blasphemous world that it is turning into and the fact that I squandered my youth right away while I am on the outside looking in on how EVERYONE did awesome shit, had loads of friends, did not have to struggle to go on dates. Is there even any hope for me? Is there such thing as being too far gone?",Depression +19447,Seriously I cannot get over how funny it is how everybody thinks I am a joke. I had enough cutting myself has not accomplished anything i am going to disconnect the gas line to my stove and blow the entire house to pieces all the scumbag drug addict crack heads that live upstairs had it coming. Ha.,Suicidal +19448,"the other day i got a sort of glimpse into my subconscious by considering my fish. have to say, i take great care of my fish. I have been keeping fish for over four years now and, by every metric, they are happy, active fish. the other day, though, i thought one looked a little gloomy. i was going through a checklist of conditions that could because a fish to be listless and the thought came up 'well, of course it hates being alive' like that is just a given for any living thing. like, maybe the fish is getting a swim bladder condition and, of course, just also hates being alive like everyone and everything else. i hate being alive. i do not want to kill myself but if i could, i would destroy the entire state of being that is life. i do not hate *my life* in particular, just the general concept with all the suffering and anguish we all just have to take and move on and take again and again and because to others and see it happen to everyone around us. it is not all bad but i really think most things in life are horrible. nothing to do with good or bad, just objectively horrible. i mean, I am down for all the suffering and there is beauty in some of it sometimes but i think i still hate it. had to check myself for a minute",Depression +19449,"I thought I would just say how I feel. I literally could not give a shit if anyone reads this. But I just want to talk. By standards I have nothing to complain about, which is part of the reason I am such a piece of shit. I have a good job, a wife, and a family. I got married really young and I love my wife with every single ounce of life i have. But being young (at the moment I am 21). I have so many stresses. I worry about my wife everyday, I try SO hard everyday to go to work and not be sad and I do the very best work I can possibly do. (I am a tile installer). I feel like all I do is my best. My wife and I live in a time condo, she never complains and treats me so well. I wanted to do something nice for her and bought us our first car. 2 weeks after I bought it someone hit me. 3 weeks after that a hail storm came through and wrecked it. And I am starting to run out of work. And just today I got hit again.. by my own father. It was a complete accident. I do not even know what to do. My parents have absolutely no money, and when I mean no money I mean NO money. They drive a piece of shit car and it breaks my heart. Its so not fair. I was molested about 6 months ago. Its been effecting be so bad. My sister is accused of something HORRIBLE that she did not do and is facing time in jail. (Because of vengeful friends. Whole other story). so we are trying to look after her and keep her safe. I do not have anyone to talk to because I do not want to worry anyone. On top of all that I have cancer. I do not know what to do. I want to die so bad. Its the only thing that I really want. If I did not have a wife and relatives, it would already be over. I am such a fucking useless piece of shit. I do not care if anyones we sees this. I am just venting. No one to tell",Suicidal +19450,"My Psychological Health has been going rapidly down latly.The worst part is that I notice how my toughts get darker and more controversial, like racism, sexism, etc.I was once in Therapy, did not quite work, I might be too stubborn and value therapist too little.Its summer time where I live, everyone is on vacation or having fun in the Sun. While I isolate myself even harder and start to chain smoke just to pass the time, even though the whole covid story is pretty much over.I am currently learing to drive, it is not going too well. I feel so anxious even tho I have nothing to loose.I want nothing more then death, however I believe that I will never actually do it. I will probebly get quite old with a lots of regrets and bad memories.Sometimes I am thinking about Evolution and Destiny. How do we humans evolve? I keep asking myself how our Genetics get filtered. No matter how much of a piece of shit you are, somewhere out there is someone just as shitty as you waiting to start a family with you. To let the bad genetics live and multiply. For lives that are not worth anything. I believe that the only way we evolve is through death. Dying of the weak. Either you are stupid/unlucky and die in an accident or have courage to kill yourself if you notice that your bloodline is unworthy. I feel or rather know that my bloodline is unworthy, that it needs to pass away. But I lack the courage to kill myself and have enough luck and fear for my live to not die in an accident. But at the same time I fear growing old and the ""breeding instincts"" kicking in for me to have the sudden urge to have a family in my 30ths. I do not want kids. This life is not worth it. I should never put another soul through a life like this.But at the same time I should be happy. For Food,Shelter,Warmth,Health,Finicial Stability, a somewhat good goverment. All these things I take for granted. Still I am just always sad,unmotivated,pessimistic.I do not deserve all these materialistic things. I do not value them at all.I do not really know why I wrote all of this. it is late and I need to vent. This post will not change anything. Nothing will. I do not know what to do.",Depression +19451,"I understand this community does not tolerate activism. Fine. But I am not open to inane comments telling me how lucky I have it or whatever bullshit people decide to spout in the name of how being alive is a glorious gift.I do not know what has done a number on my cognition and/or brain fog. Is it depression, internet addiction, anxiety, impaired career prospects due to disability, poor oral health, ADHD, poor diet, caffeine, posture, Coeliac or all of those? Or is it just plain, good old-fashioned idiocy?I could give it a year from today, make radical changes to my diet, get on better meds and religiously cultivate good habits. I could take an IQ test.Or I could just hang myself now, and spare myself the misery. Because finding out I am irretrievably stupid, like below-average IQ, is going to be a deal-breaker. Why? Because those of us who are useless will be so no matter how long we live.If its broke, why keep it? Done. I am getting my will this weekend, should the day come that I decide to do it.",Suicidal +19452,Maybe you get that temporary relief but it all comes back again Opening up does not really help,Depression +19453,"I am 19 years old. I have no self confidence. I have no job, neither do i go to school. I live with in an abusive, toxic enviroment with my mom and the grandfather who molested me. My grandma who i lived with since 11 died last month.I have extreme anxiety and I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Its fucking impossible for me to focus and try to learn anything. I do not know if its because of that or because I am just that fucking useless and I am just using this as an excuse.What if I am using my tragic backstory as an excuse to be this fucking pathetic? A piece of shit that does nothing but sulk and moan about how fucking tragic my life is. IS this what i am? I am so fucking codependent on people. I am so scared of working in coustomer service. I hate the way i look. I hate how much i hate myself. i hate how alone i am.I HATE HAVING TO FUCKING PROVE MY PAIN TO PEOPLE. I cannot do anything. I cannot talk with people. My own mother is worried about me because i can ""barely fend for myself"" and she is worried what will happen to me if she is not here.I am tired of this. My depression and grief is literally killing me. I find joy in nothing. I am alone despite being surronded by people. NOBODY FUCKING GETS IT. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SLIT MY WRISTS AND JUST FUCKING PAINT THE WALLS WITH MY BLOOD AND JUST FUCKING DIE AND SCAR MYSELF FOREVER. FUCK EVERYTHING. I am too worthless to live",Suicidal +19454,"So, what would be best for family (wife and 15 yo kid)? Just a sudden out of the blue shock, or them watching you slowly devolve until it finally happens? Both options end up with them hurt, but quick and surprising seems to me like it would be the less painful of the two, like going ahead and getting it over and done with so they can move on Sudden or drawn out??",Suicidal +19455,No one cares though lol. I am going to overdose rn. I am just done trying. Nobody gives a fuck about me. I am not doing anything well. I am bad at everything I do. what is the point of living if I am useless. I just bother people and eventually people get tired of me being depressed and suicidal for years. They end up leaving. Well see yah world! cannot say Ill miss you I want to die so bad,Depression +19456,I know most people do not take kids seriously but I just want to make it all end my parents just got done beating me up and I do not know how much longer I can take this I cannot move out for another 5 years hope make it that long. Just want it to stop,Suicidal +19457,So yesterday was a weird day. I went to work feeling OK. As okay as I could anyway. And then I just kind of broke down. Out of nowhere I started crying. I went to sit in my car and realised I could not go back in. So I went and asked my boss if I could take the rest of the week as a holiday. Today I got another job offer so just sent in my resignation.But I feel bad. I feel ridiculous for my colleagues seeing me cry. How they were asking what was wrong. How my boss seemed pissed off with me. I feel guilty and like such a weak piece of crap. Like the last memory they will have as me there is a lunatic who just cried out of nowhere. How to stop feeling guilty and stupid about quitting a job that destroyed me mentally?,Depression +19458,"I am just over being alive. I was born with a messed up colon and needed emergency surgery right after birth and several more until I was 5. One day I may become fecally incontinent, or need an ostomy. Why did not the docs let me die as a baby? I was brought into this world deformed and should have been thrown out with the placenta. As I got older and was not in the hospital I was sexually abused by older kid on the bus and mother's brother. I was beaten up daily by my brother. Bullied throughout elementary middle high school. Found out as an adult that I meet qualifications for level 1 ASD. Why am I still alive? Why can I not take to much medication? Why cannot I just escape this? There is no hope with the life long self hate and brokenness for me to ever not desire death. Why cannot I just get t-boned on my way to work tomorrow? Done with meds. Done with therapist. Done with talking mental health with primary care doctor. Just dreaming of death until it finally grasps me. Why an I still alive?",Suicidal +19459,"everyone praises me for being ""smart"" and everything when really i just ask everyone for answers and cheat. everyone i know is way smarter than me, i cannot even get a single 100 on a test and make my parents proud. and I am too lazy to even finish my summer work. i wish i had more motivation and were smarter. and i wish i would actually do the shit i say i will. i have a huge imagination that will imagine me doing anything but ill never do it irl. i hate how stupid i am",Suicidal +19460,"For me I do not think therapy actually works for everyone, or of course I would have been better. It is very time consuming and embarrassing, do not come at me with saying embarrassing but I do not feel like I am ever going to trust anyone with what I want to say and who I am. I see therapist online blabbering about their patients and it bugs me! Three years ago my college professor told me to seek therapy, after I almost missed my final because I was too depressed to get out of bed since I was contemplating killing myself a day before that test. I arrived two hours late, my advisor let them allow me to take it.I came because my advisor called me and I felt kind of valuable lol. The professor literally said, after I reached out to ask about my grade you seem like an over-thinker, do not think and just seek therapy. I told a friend of what happened and she said then book a session. I was already in therapy at that time do not you hate when random people be like seek therapy",Depression +19461,"Does more happy/positive or upbeat music help? Or do you listen to somber depressive type of music to help you when you are down?*i realize down and depressed are not exactly the same thing. I am just struggling to find the right words right now* Does music help when you are feeling especially down or depressed? If so, what kind of music helps most?",Depression +19462,"21f- I have struggled with depression for many years, so this feeling is not new, but it feels more real now, if that makes any sense.I am severely unhappy with my life and although I could definitely be in worse situations, my whole world just feels like it is crashing down. Friendships, relationship, family- none of it seems important.But, it is not that I do not value these relationships- I just do not feel valued, but I feel as though I have no escape from these situations.I just want to run away sometimes and start over. Everything Feels Like its Falling Apart",Depression +19463,Went to the doctor and told them about my mental health issues. They put me in lexapro. I was always so scared to tell even anyone about my mental health and it felt good to finally do something about it. I am not out of the woods yet. But maybe I am on the right track I finally did it,Depression +19464,"Or rather apathetic, really. Like, I am not happy, but I am not sad. I do not know... it feels strange. I just have no concern over anything, and generally I am fine for the most part. Has anybody been feeling like this? Recently been feeling neutral",Depression +19465,"I think about it like a long sleep. You just go to sleep and never wake up. Closest friends ever got, I was in a bad place, put a gun to my head while drunk. Doubt Ill ever do it, but it feels nice to tell someone. Sometimes it just fumble with idea in my head.",Suicidal +19466,"I can no longer concentrate on books or comprehend text by reading and its been persistent for years. Before my depression, I used to read only once and all the information was grasped easily. Now i have to read the same sentence again and again in order to grasp it is meaning and still forget all of it. Also, i noticed I cannot take up information if i am watching a movie like i forget earlier plot of the movie and cannot correlate it with the present even with subtitles, i have hard time comprehending. Does depression because difficulty with reading comprehension skills and slow processing issues? Or is it just a different issue which i should look into further? What meds can help with reading comprehension issues? cannot focus or comprehend reading.",Depression +19467,Ever since I have moved out 6 months ago I have been feeling worse than ever. Every day I wake up kind of feeling like shit and I do not know and sometimes even want to do anything about it. Has anyone got any advice on what I should do? I do not think I am depressed but I just do not like everything right now Feeling a bit sad,Depression +19468,"Considering suicide again. Shit sucks dick and I am tired of life and being a failure. I cannot keep even a minimum wage job. cannot get my license because I need to work shit out with the sheriffs office before I can (long story). Wish I had access to a gun because my survival instinct makes jumping in front of a train too hard. And there is no bridges high enough that are near me. Just a dumb vent because I had nowhere else to post it. Hope everyone here is coping alright, take care of yourselves In a really dark spot right now, do not know if its the usual where it flares up at night and I am fine in the morning, or if I am getting bad again.",Suicidal +19469,"Like a part of me died over a year ago. During the pandemic. It made me reflect everything about myself. I do not enjoy video games anymore because I feel like I wasted my life on them. I tried to get into DnD, like I did when I was 17 again, but I cannot comprehend it anymore. I cannot understand it. It upsets me that I cannot get into what I enjoyed. I lost many great relationships because of loosing interest in things very quickly. I have started to sell my video game collections. I am making good money but inside I do not feel happy. I have accomplished a lot in my life. Yet I am unemployed, single and unhappy with my life. Where have I gone wrong? I have reflected on that to much but I cannot figure it out. I am reaching a point where I just do not feel I am worth the time or patience. I do not want to burden anybody. Even if I ask for help I do not accept the advice that is given to me because I do not feel like I deserve it. it is not like I grew up in a broken home. Sure my parents are divorced and I know for a fact it was not my siblings and I. I have always felt like I do not deserve the time of day with anybody ever since I was a child. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am getting closer and closer to 40. I should have my life figured out by now. Yet, I do not. Ugh. I feel like I am loosing something",Depression +19470,"When people talk about depression its usually about the sadness part, or loss of interest, and distancing. But one big factor of it is the loneliness. That feeling that you are alone. No matter how loving friends and family are and supportive, that loneliness is still there. It eats at you, making your self consciousness to kick in. Making you hate yourself, making you think that you are a failure, that no one will ever love you. It truly hurts. Its an emptiness inside you that you feel cannot be filled. Nothing takes away this pain for long. Its tiring, and draining. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, but i cannot. I have to fake it. Fake being happy, fake being warm and fuzzy. Fake a smile, fake enjoyment. Fake everything. I just want it to end. I just want to stop feeling so alone in this world. I just want to feel loved and appreciated. I want to be understood. I want to be cared for. But my mind will not let me reach out to people. It will not let me get the help i need. I always hold back the truth. No matter who I am talking too. I am so drained and i just want to stay in bed all day, but I cannot because I have responsibilities. Why did this have to happen to me. Why do i have to live with this thing that constantly eats away at me. Why do i have to go through my day like nothing is wrong. why does my medicine not work. it just makes me numb. the only thing that I have experienced that has actually helped it the gym and weed. and i cannot do those things all day every day. I just want to be happy again. i just want this all to end. My depression",Depression +19471,"Between my depression, OCD and Anxiety, I can never keep myself togher. I also always feel on edge now adays and scared. My Days Off From Work Are Used For Catchup and I Can Never Catch Up",Depression +19472,Some days I feel like ending it. But then I am like damn I cannot miss my shows! Yeah,Depression +19473,"I remember when this sub was at 200,000 members, now 290k yay thank you system. Thank you creator of reality if you exists. Not too sure why you want to make a bunch of critters so they can suffer, but I guess my 3D brain could never understand your omniscience. Fuck, I know I will just go to an even worse place if I kill myself, fuckkkk youuuuuuu Godddddd awghhhhhhhhhhh. I would like to spend all my fuck yous towards God, shit actually idk I kind of fear that dude, only a little of my fuck yous towards God shittt idk. If Satan is a deity hes more cool than you. He has better music than you too, if he is a deity and not a manifestation of evil or something like that. Maybe I will overdose on ice cream.",Suicidal +19474,"Hi guys, I am a researcher from the University of Canberra in Australia who is interested in investigating non-pharmaceutical treatments for depression.To do this I have developed a short questionnaire looking at the attitudes and knowledge of people seeking or receiving treatment for depression: [ you have a spare 10 minutes please consider completing my short survey. The results of this survey may help to inform future treatments for depression.Thank you for your time! Non-pharmaceutical treatments for depression",Depression +19475,i really do not know how to explain the reason why i want to die (this time) it just feels like a lot of little things went wrong and then i had a fight with my best friend of six years and she probably hates my guts now (i do not blame her if she does) and it just tipped me over the edge and I have been sobbing on my bed for an hour now. i relapsed and there is blood all over my goddamn sheets and I am crying over that too because i live on a college campus and i do not have enough money to even do my laundry and i do not know how I am going to get these stains out and i want to call my boyfriend (he cannot even help me i just like hearing him tell me I will be okay) but he will not be home from work until midnight and i know he will drive the hour or two it will take to see me if he felt like he needed to and i think I would really want to die for burdening him like that but i feel like if i do not talk to someone I am going to fucking explode. i just want to die idk what else to say,Suicidal +19476,or maybe tomorrow morning. i cannot stand it. everything is too loud. i cannot stay here any longer. this body is not mine anymore. I am done. i feel like tonights the night,Suicidal +19477,I used to react angrily to people and situations but after my world turned grey I hardly react anymore. People around probably think I have become a nicer person. Are you a nicer person after being depressed?,Depression +19478,"I would have killed myself at 16, but my mom needed me. Since then, I suffered some painful years. I am 23.5 lol and she still needs me, but I want to die. I love her and I wish I was stronger for her but I want to die. I hate my family for hurting us. I miss my grandma. My grandpa is wasting away. My mom and brother and I feel so unloved. I wish my ex loved me back. I wish his best friend did not always come first. I wish school did not drain my youth and the happiness I had left. I wish imagining shooting or stabbing myself was not the only thing to give me relief. I hate life. Its not for people like me. But I am here cuz I love my mom more than I love myself Only here because of her",Suicidal +19479,"Not changing, not getting better, not feeling better, not looking better, no hope, no future no reason, no love, no life.The usual stuff huh man idk",Suicidal +19480,"Part of me is thankful that I was not able to successfully do it, the first time I was so numb after it happened, I fell onto the floor and hurt my knees and wrists... but the second time just earlier this week I was really upset afterwards, and I called a hotline, I did not tell them what I did because I am isolating due to covid and did not want to go to hospital (not sure if I would have even been allowed)I have been sleeping for the most part for the past few days, but maybe all of this is telling me that I should just try to survive... and that is what I am going to do, I am still dealing with a lot of ideation but I am going to keep practicing guitar and see how that goes. Self harm is still a big issue for me that I need to sort out as well... I survived two hanging attempts this month, maybe a sign..",Suicidal +19481,"I have been diagnosed with depression, CPTSD and anxiety. Sometimes when I wake up for work, I start feeling like I really do not want to do it and it falls under a very grey area where I cannot definitely say it feels like depression, but it also is not clear whether it the normal lack of enthusiasm for work.Anyone else feels this way? Struggling to differentiate lack of motivation from laziness",Depression +19482,"23 yo, not a troll, falling into a career loop of whether or not I can make it in medicine or software engineering, just looking to off myself by all means so I do not end up a failure; already have a plan, which is v painless :)This whole thing sounds selfish, but I am by no means in the correct mental space to continue education (bc the hospital/medical system overworks people, and software dev seems too unstable after like 40)My parents and siblings are concerned for me, but I am at the point now where I register zero emotion, even after watching/hearing my parents cry at the idea of all of this because my brain has legitimately become this fucked; I myself, however, know this is the right decision for me and am very set on it.I want to ensure my family that my decision is honestly not that big of a deal, that I will not get hurt in the process, and that everything will go back to normal within a year or two; what do you guys think, is there legitimately any way around this? Is there any way to make my family okay with the idea of suicide?",Suicidal +19483,"I am so tired of everything and I genuinely cannot do this anymore. Everyone seems to love me more when I am productive and doing schoolwork, but the moment I begin struggling its like I have disappointed everyone. I have always heavily based my self worth on my grades, and now that I do not know things I am struggling. Physics makes no goddamn sense and I am for sure going to fail my exam on it. Not to mention that my room is messy, and no matter how long I spend cleaning it, the mess always comes back. I might be a dick for saying this, but it feels like my parents care less about my mental health, and more about me doing dishes. I have a good life, I love my family and my friends, but I do not know how much longer I can live this way. I am so scared to mention any of this to my parents again because they always talk about how selfish suicide is, and how it would wreck the family. It makes me feel guilty for having unsavoury thoughts and now I do not know what to do. Fuck it all",Suicidal +19484,"I seriously cannot do anything anymore, I cannot experience happiness and I am extremely lazy. Constant apathy and inertness, I would not mind being locked in a vacant warehouse for 2 weeks straight doing nothing, just musing and hypothesizing. I have no friends, I am always in a state of loneliness and you would have thought I adapted to it by now, but I am hardly building a tolerance; I am also too sluggish to make friends, I do not have enough energy to maintain a conversation, I am bad at reading social cues and I am different making it hard to fit in anywhere. I am apparently a genius, but I have zero work ethic and motivation, so it is not like it will ever come to use. I do not see a point in anything, sensual pleasures are empty, me and other primates experience are so restricted, nothing is going to be new, sure we will enjoy vacations, parties and other activities, but why does that even elicit happiness? it does not achieve anything, it is been done a million of times, it is trite and you know what is going to happen so why even bother? everything we do is pointless, because we will never get anywhere, we can already envision what will happen and how it will happen so what is really the point? I do not think I will ever be able to experience happiness",Depression +19485,I cannot even explain what goes on in my head. I am trapped in this mindset but it switches up so much. I am not sure how long I was clean but now its all down the drain I feel like this failure. I have not felt like this in so long my heart hurts. I am going to disappear for a week and see what happens. I need someone to talk to but at the same time I do not want to open up.,Suicidal +19486,"Guys, I have been thinking a lot lately. About myself, and I am certain I hate myself because I am autistic. I feel like I have no future because of that because I am not smart. I have wasted my time filling my head with pop culture info instead of stuff that could get me a job and be financially stable. But because I am autistic, I feel it would be better if I just kill myself. Autism sucks",Depression +19487,"I have been working at self awareness and often feel like I am pretty good at being self aware and trying to monitor myself. But I cannot really seem to convince anyone to spend time with me, which in all honesty I deem fair, I am often soooo anxious I cannot think of an interesting thing to do or say. And when I do speak inappropriate things get blurted and I am often as dumbstruck as my mates when I hear what I say. Some folks I know do try and it is always awkward. I have one friend from highschool who will do stuff with me but often tries to find a 3rd mate to bring (likely and understandably to cut the nervous tension). I still greatly appreciate that she tries to spend time with me even though I am awkward. I know I say weird things sometimes and I am dealing with figuring out all this repressed self hatred and sometimes it bubbles out and I am like what the heck did I just say?It feels better after ditching a few really judgmental people in my life. But I still think I need to do some growing so I can be a really good friend to the few people who have stuck with it with me. And maybe make new friends too.This is my first time posting to Reddit. Please do not trash me too hard. I cannot maintain a friendship",Depression +19488,"There here is a world, its failed me . No med , no people , no life . USA will have no problem being short one citizen . Man its real . Tried everything. So long . I think its time",Depression +19489,"i do not know whether or not i truly deep down want to die but i feel like i need and have to. i just want to be a good person. I am so stuck in this victim mentality from the shit I have been through that i destroyed the most important person to me for 5 years straight who gave me so many chances not to fuck it up and then even more chances when i ended up fucking up anyways. I have said and done horrible things that still stay with this person and each episode i have makes it worse and worse. i ruined my last chance at being involved in their life with my carelessness. i cannot stop thinking about it and throwing up and getting pains in my chest (here i am being the victim again when it should not even be about me) and i literally feel like i have no choice but to end my life. its what i deserve. i do not know why i tried to convince myself my BPD was magically cured or something. what the fuck is wrong with me? how did i actually think i had it under control? what the fuck is the point of being here when there is only one person alive who truly, completely cared about me and its my fault that hes gone forever? how did i convince myself he did not care just because he left me? i fucking destroyed him while believing i was the victim the whole time. i feel like i owe it to him to hurt myself and suffer like hes had to suffer emotionally and mentally because of me. i basically managed to punish him emotionally for loving me when no one else has or will. i cannot live like this and i do not deserve to live at all. i do not know what to do but i know that if i kill myself the world will go on. i cannot live with it. i deserve to feel his pain. i do not deserve to live or be happy with myself. how have i not understood how disgustingly predictable i am? i need to die and i do not feel like its an option not to anymore. but my family deserves better than to have to find my body. i do not know what I am going to do but i need to do it soon before i start feeling sorry for myself again. i am truly worthless and undeserving of the love he gave me. i am a waste of time, money, and mental, physical & emotional energy. i am truly the monster i so vehemently try to convince myself that I am not. i need help or to not exist anymore. I am seriously worried that ill do something to myself tonight but i also know i deserve it. i just want to be unconscious right now.hang in there everyone and please stay strong for yourselves & others so you do not end up hurting them like me.- s deserving to die & feel at least some of the pain that i caused",Suicidal +19490,"It does not matter whether I am feeling happy or sad, in the end there is still that feeling of being lost and really hating myself.All I can think about is suicide, yet I still deny the fact that I am mentally ill. I just pretend I am fine and if anything I have bad mental health. Everything is fine, everyone, or is it?I literally have no reason to be ""sad"". I have a perfect partner, supportive parents, a lot of cool friends. I am middle class, live in a great spot, could easily find a good job. So, what is wrong?I know it is wrong for me to say this, but***It does not feel like it***I despise my parents. I try my best to keep it all in, because deep down I know it is not their fault.All my friends feel fake.And someone I love the most is probably losing interest in me.*Honestly, not surprising. It would be shocking if they did not!*These things are not true, but they feel like they are true. I still crave to breakdown infront of them all so they could see my pain, yet I do not.It just is not their fault I am like this, but if this is not their fault - whose fault is it?**Only me to blame**Nobody really likes blaming themselves, do they? Even when people actively do so, they still subconsciously hope it really is not because of them.See, you may think it is irrational of me to blame myself. Blame myself for all the things that did not happen or are not happening, blame myself for being ugly. No, I understand these things are not true.it is my fault I did not seek help and I am not actively seeking help. I am actually quite against that idea. Why? I have no idea. it is like an irrational fear. Thinking about it makes me very panicky and I do not know why.**Suicide**Suicide is funny. what is funnier is the thought process that happens to people that decide to do it.*We feel so hopeless that even the dream of living in serenity and calmness, without all this meaningless emotional pain, that is so incredibly needed, feels so unattainable. Yet we pick the cold hands of death, because we are so desperate, that even the shortest path is too long for us.*cannot blame them. I am on the verge of suicide too.Too tired to continue. I may be always superpositioned, but I know one thing for sure - I am so tired of myself",Suicidal +19491,"it is been some time I have been here. I have been telling lies to myself since them. That people that love and respect themselves do not kill themselves.But I was thinking about myself. I have been locked in an in and out relationships for the last nine years. I have been raped during childhood, during adolescence, I have been beaten and belittled by my own mother. I have no money and spend a shitload of cash on depression medication. I talk to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. And I have been thinking. I am not a bad person. I have just been fucked up by life and by trying to help others. Lately, I have been giving up to alcoholism. it is the only thing that helps me study to perhaps earn money and still be dissatisfied. I do not see an exit from my situation. Depression is forever. I do not have what I want. But I do like myself. I do give value to myself. I do love myself. And so, I think: Why not just give up? Why not take a superdosage of insulin or hang myself or something? I do not deserve to suffer like this. And the rational way is to kill myself. So why not? I have to think of myself first. Fuck family. Fuck friends. I do like them. But I have to think of myself first. I should do it. I really should do it. there is nothing wrong with it. there is nothing wrong with choosing death. I like myself. Thus, I should kill myself.",Suicidal +19492,So on top of everything I am going through my transmission is shot. And the guy I am staying with is kicking me out because I cannot make it to work(which is an hour and a half away) so now probably going to lose my job. I am broke. Homeless. Without a car. And alone. I want to cry. I do not know what to do. I hate my life. So stressed. Feel like breaking down.,Depression +19493,"life is so fucking boring but I have no will to kill myself because after trying for so many times I just,,,, I do not think I can do it. but living is painful. I guess it is just a matter of which hurts more,, I am not sure. I wish I could just die without killing myself yknow I want to be dead but not kill myself because I am a coward",Suicidal +19494,"I do not feel like living anymore, what is here is not me, it is a she will of what once was me...I spent So. Much. Time. thinking about dying that I never even cared about planning a future, I was almost praying that something would happen to me that would take me out of this place. I thought about leaving a note but I know that no one would really care, knowing my family, they would blame me for not reaching out and start arguing with each other.I think like this but I know that I am not going to do anything, I am too coward to try something, but I am not afraid of death, there is nothing after that! I am afraid to survive and have to deal with the consequences of the attempt, the risk of failing and having a more miserable life than before, terrifies me. My family would not be any help, they would blame me and say that I am a coward for trying to scape life because it is hard and how worse they had it.I am stuck on a limbo without knowing what to do with myself... I just want to die",Suicidal +19495,"I am fostering a cute little senior dog (9?). he is great in every way, just does not like other dogs or cats. I was very depressed (still am) and those feelings are not so strong now that he is here. For example, I did not sleep well last night, normally, I would stay in bed until when I absolutely need to get up. With him being here, I know I needed to at least get up so he can pee and feed him. that is our days really with a long walk during the day.It seems that these walks are more for me than for him. I wonder what will happen when he gets adopted. Who will MAKE me go outside then? Who would start conversations with me (without me feeling extremely anxious and fearful)? At the same time, what about when winter comes? Can I muster this same energy to cater to him then? Dog or No Dog?",Depression +19496,I am a 14 year old girl and need helpmy dad recently texted me telling me he never loved me and wished i had been a still birth ...honestly i feel the same i had already been in a dark place and that only added to my pain ..i leave for boarding school in 12 days to see my best friend who i had promised to stop self harming with scars all over my arms i have not been diagnosed with depression of any kind but have taken many quizzes(not that that is valid) i want to ask my mom if i can get checked but do not know how i cannot get out of bed and have not eaten a proper meal in 5 days...I am contemplating suicide...please help if you can A CRY FOR HELP!!!,Depression +19497,I have an incurable disease and its excruciatingly painful everyday. I want to die to get rid of the pain. I have tried every treatment. there is no hope. Its embarrassing. I just want to die. I cannot function as a normal human being. Incurable disease,Suicidal +19498,"I will die from suicide anyway, but I would like for it to be on a happy note. I am in so much pain I cannot take it. But I still take it. I am so tired of everyone and everything. I want to live in my dream world without so much pain. Maybe next life... I am not joking, I will actually slice my wrists. I could do it any moment now. I cannot handle all these feelings. I never meant anything and never deserved this. I hate what I am. I want to help someone like people helped me. But it will not get rid of my pain. I have cried so much my eyes hurt by looking at light. I wish I had No one. I wish no one cared and I lived completely alone. Then I could kill myself in peace. Knowing absolutely no one cared. I wish something could ACTUALLY help me",Suicidal +19499,"On another sub, I had a convo with someone in a really bad place with depression, but they do not have insurance and cannot afford counseling. Even the sliding scale fee structures of some online offerings are still too expensive. Does anyone know of a free online counseling service they could contact? Online Counseling for free?",Depression +19500,"I am just going to leave this here because it will be too long a read for most, but to those that do read it thank you for listening.My family has always had a difficult time in life, my father died when I was young, leaving my mother a widow with two young children. She worked two labour jobs to keep us fed and pay bills, as we got older we helped as much as could financially. Ill skip every detail, but a few years ago my sibling had made some poor decisions and it literally bankrupted my family. We lost everything, we were living in motels/hotels, I have even slept on floors of my friends, I have starved on occasions and its been tolling on my family. As a disclaimer we are a family of three, we do not have family or relatives to help us out, we had no friends because nasty rumours had circulated about my family. In no way do I blame them for making the mistake, I accept my situation, but recently its been too much for everyone.Then it happened the strongest woman I had ever known broke down, I have seen her cry on occasion due to my sibling and I arguing and it makes my mother feel like a failure on top of all that is going on, but today was like no other. I had always been depressed and when the times got too hard for us, I am so ashamed of myself, but I actually suggested that we take our own lives. I know its shocking and unfathomable, but we were all we had and I could not see the pain and suffering any longer. They said no obviously, but today my mom said she was ready to go because she does not have the will and spirit to keep fighting. To what she said we obviously denied her and told her it would be ok, but it took a lot out of me to hear where she is mentally. Were not suicidal, just tired of the situation because if you can imagine the worst case scenario, this is what it is. We have barely any money, no credit, no car, and currently in a bad housing situation that could end with us being evicted at any moment (home of my mothers half brother and his toxic wife). The backstory to that is that he had a heart attack and no one to care for him, we were asked to look after him, his wife wanted him dead so were at odds over that. Our current financial situation does not allow us to move, no credit to top it off. We pay for food for the whole household, another 4 people on the weekend, gas for the car you name it. Oh how I wish I could tell the whole story, its incredibly sad. The saddest thing happened today",Depression +19501,"I am the worst human being to ever exist. i cannot carry on. my life is a complete mess and i cannot fix it no matter what i do. I have done everything and I am not changing. I have tried counselling but I am too scared to tell the truth and when i do they do not seem to catch on and give me advice that is just flat out useless, I have tried talking to close friends and family and they either do not care or are not any help, I have tried using different distractions and I am still so unbelievably miserable. so I am just going to kill myself instead because nothings going to help me anymore. and another thing, I have done so disgusting, so repulsive that i will never live down. i put a friend of mine, who is part of the lgbtq community, through serious emotional trauma for a ""joke"". i was not speaking to this friend much so me and a friend decided to be extremely homophobic to this person for the sake of a joke at on of eachothers houses. i did not really know what i was getting myself into until before we went into it and i told my friend i could not do it so i let them send all the messages to them to get a reaction out of them. instead of telling my friend its wrong and we should not be doing it at all because we both know better, i let them fucking do it instead and let them send all the messages to this person for a stupid fucking ""joke"". i hate myself. i cannot do this. its my biggest regret. i did not want to say anything incase i ruined the mood or made my friend go home. I am so fucking sorry. I am ashamed of myself in every way possible. it keeps me up at night. i wish i never fucking did it. not to mention i also have no real friends, I am not in good shape, I am ugly, I am lazy, I am extremely socially inept, no girlfriend, I am obsessive over people because i do not know how to control my feelings, I am despicable. so I am killing myself tonight. I have had enough. I have been suffering to fucking long. i just want someone to talk me out of it but no one will. if any of you see this please, feel free to talk to me, id really appreciate, or do not. but even then, i will most likely still end my own life later on tonight because i have nothing left to live for. the beautiful days of my life are long gone. I am so sorry everyone I am taking my own life tonight",Suicidal +19502,"The past couple of months have been a mess. I have gone through a break with the person I truly expected to spend the rest of my life with, my job has been unbelievably stressful, I live in a city 5 hours away from my townhome where all my friends and family are. I have very few friends here and the times I do go out, I am overcome with crazy social anxiety and do not want to talk to anyone. I also live alone and spend most nights by myself. I see a therapist weekly and immediately after my sessions I do feel better. But, it does not feel like I am making much progress and I am wasting my money. Recently I have been more reckless than normal ie. driving wayyy over the speed limit, zig zagging in and out of traffic, and blacking out more often than Id like to admit. Even though I am not suicidal, I wrote out a suicide note to address my friends and family just to see what I would say to them. I realized how little I had to say and felt really inconsequential. I am trying to take everything day by day, but I am fearful that it will get to the point where I cannot take this no more. I do not want to die, but I cannot seem to make my life more fulfilling and worthwhile. Its just starting to get to be too much. I just want to know if anyone has any advice or strategies to put themselves in better situations Looking for fulfillment in life",Depression +19503,"I thought I was getting better but of course not...why does my heart hurt so much?? Why cannot I just disappear forever??? No one will miss me anyway, especially not he so what is the point? Non-stop suicidal",Suicidal +19504,"I feel like I am ready to go. But there are no painless methods available to me. I want to die now and donate my organs and let the rest of me be given back to the universe. I am completely okay with it and would rather go how things are now with the people I have now. Why is it irrational to want to die? I am free to live, so why make a fuss if I choose this? Is there any euthanasia clinic that would ever consider this case? Sorry if all this is too much. I feel like I am ready to go",Depression +19505,that is it. fuck my life. Fml,Suicidal +19506,"just being alive is absolute torture for me each and every day. i wake up everyday disappointed that i did not die the night before. over the last 2 months I have been through medication and therapy but to no avail. I have been in hospitals for being a danger to myself and self harmed so much to the point where i have scars in both my arms that i doubt will ever heal. life has been a huge downward spiral for me for as long as i can remember and ruining a friendship with someone who was the only person who made me feel anything meaningful in a long fucking time was the straw that broke the camels back. i complain that there is barely anything good in my life but that is because i fuck up everything good in it. now I have been here for the past few weeks trying to do whatever i can to escape this world and how awful and lonesome and empty i feel even for a few hours with drugs or alcohol or whatever but i always come back to the same hole where i always am. i have a little brother and every time he tells me he loves me i get sad because i do not want to leave him but I am in so much fucking pain and i do not know how much longer i can go on for without ending it all. I have fought and fought depression and took all the right steps to get better but nothing works, if anything i feel even worse. i do not know if anyone will read this but i just need to vent. i do not know how much longer i can do this for",Depression +19507,"I cannot rely on people, ever. Period. I tried the whole making friends thing but pretty much everyone does not have your interests in mind. I have become materialistic again like I was 5 years ago, only this time I am comfortable with it. I just want to make money and be successful and I find that making friends drags me down. Having a million dollars would make me the happiest Id ever ve The only way Ill be happy is if I can make a million dollars.",Depression +19508,"I am sitting here writing my suicide note and drinking. I have not figured out how I am going to nd things, but there is no way that I can continue. How pathetic is it that the last thing any of my loved ones will get is something i wrote while drunk trying to justify why I did this to them. &#x200B;I am going to try and post my writings from the past year. Maybe they will help someone make sense of what happened. July 13th, 2021",Suicidal +19509,"I do not know what I am doing and never felt like I have. Everyday seems like a new low in my life, where I am constantly trying to see if I find the reason to carry on. I am not saying I am anywhere near suicidal but that is the best way I could describe myself. I could probably confidently say that is because I have become so accustomed with not having any emotions over the years, becoming numb over time. Simply put, I feel like I have been trapped in the same place for years without any way to grow as a person and if there was any it was backwards and I do not know at what point I will break.Thanks for reading. I am hesitating as I am writing this...but I just need to say this",Depression +19510,I really do not see a point anymore.I have lost almost everything in the last 2 years.I am left with no friends. My family hates me. I keep messing things up. I am so sorry for the actual one person who cares about me and loves me. But I really cannot anymore I think I do it next tuesday.,Suicidal +19511,"I am 20, depressed since about 8th grade, and everyone and their mom is saying it will get better; However, I have been patiently waiting for things to improve in my brain (I literally have no excuse to be depressed, I have the worlds easiest life), yet every morning I am screaming because I actually woke up. I have given up on asking for advice on how people live their lives because everyone says the same fucking thing every time you just have to get out of bedyou just have to find a hobbytalk to someone Like do people actually have high hopes for life or is everyone just lying to each other to make them feel better? I have tired to end my life twice and had serious intentions about 7 other times within the last year, and I have gotten to the point where I hate living but I do not want to die because of my family. I feel emotionless every single day like I am just running on autopilot. I just do not see what everyone else see I guess?I will say tho, I am new to Reddit and it was nice to see I am not the only one that hates every aspect of living where do people find this aspiration for life",Depression +19512,I always have to be one the one that reaches out. I always have to be one the one that reaches out. *I always have to be one the one that reaches out.* WHY AM I SO BROKEN? WHY AM I NOT CAPABLE OF FORMING CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS? FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Nobody reaches out to me,Suicidal +19513,it is the type of tired that sleep cannot fix. i have been an alcoholic at age 20 for half a year straight. i used to be so much better but life beat the absolute fuck out of me. i hope to quickly move onto my next chapter in life where i start to rehabilitate myself. it is bound to happen no matter what. there is no way i will be stuck in this dark place forever. but it hurts. it hurts a lot still. <3 i am writing this to the ones with very dark rooms. to the ones with no energy to take care of yourself and your priorities. we will find the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel. we have to <3 i am so exhausted of being exhausted.,Depression +19514,I broke up with my boyfriend a couple days ago. We were going to get married. I feel like my life is over now. I still love him more than anything and now I feel like I have nothing. My entire life and future has been destroyed. All of my plans. He was everything to me. He was the only thing that made me happy in life. I attempted suicide a few years before I met him and now that hes gone I do not have any motivation to be alive. I feel empty and sick. I do not know how to go on,Suicidal +19515,Anyone here? I really like a girl in junior high but was too scared to talk to her. Everyone laughed at me for being a coward :( Ever since I have had pain and depression :( anyone have a similar story? Depression due to heartbreak?,Depression +19516,"I have written here before but I felt ashamed and deleted the post. I was diagnosed with g.a.d, social anxiety, and major depressive disorder 2 years ago. I have been suicidal since the tenth grade but I was able to brush the thought away for a while. I thought this feeling would go away once I head to college but I realized I never wanted to go in the first place. I also realized that school overall severely triggered me. I cannot study, I am always tired, insomniac, and therapy is going nowhere. I have given up on myself. I thought maybe I could drop college and start working jobs but my parents told me I could not because it ruins my 'social standing' in life, and I would be nothing without it. I love my family but even they are a lot sometimes and judgy. nothing in my life is going right, and since college started I have just gotten more suicidal and tried to kill myself three times but all three times I stopped myself cuz I was scared. I feel like I am losing my mind. I do not know what to do anymore. I want to die but I cannot. there are just too many people i could hurt and they do not deserve that. i feel like i should not feel this way because people have it worst, but i just have not been happy in so long. man, life sucks. my life is falling apart and i hate living",Suicidal +19517,"I might find it funny for the right reasons. Or I might find it funny for a totally different reason. For example, a satirical joke vs. a mundane and overused quote of toxic positivity and uplifting inspiration. It can get a little concerning though when I am giggling at the news reporting obvious horrible things that are obviously horrible. Maybe by laughing I am hoping I get attention drawn to me. Like a cry for help. But it is subtle enough to not be too concerning like a crying fit. I cannot remember the last time I had a crying fit...I always try to cry quietly and remotely, so I do not make anyone feel uncomfortable or make them worry about me...sometimes tho, I miss being able to cry buckets and make a total soggy mess of my face... My family does not know that when I am laughing hysterically at something I am actually crying inside...",Depression +19518,"why am i so depressed?> *oh it is just a phase of teenager*I have been that way since when i understand myself as a person ( since my 9/10 years old)sk, it is been so long, it started before i was a teenager, why? i really want to know, or is it just a phase, which will disappear only when i die? why",Depression +19519,"I have not been diagnosed with depression yet, but I do feel like something is not right and I will be going to a therapist soon.I feel super confused. My mother finally started listening to me, and stopped invalidating me, and it feels super weird.Although I stopped cutting (for now), and instead of thinking about suicide every hour, I only do it a few times a day, I do not feel better. I feel like I trapped myself. I was already going to plan out my suicide, and date and stuff, and my mother starts caring. Now I feel the responsibility bringing me down. After seeing her crying during one of our talks, I feel like I cannot do this to her. I cannot kill myself like this.But I want to die. I will never be better. I am a total loser and a failure, I have a few health conditions ruining my life quality too. I honestly do not want to get happier. I just want to restart life. I feel so weak and bad for saying this, but I do not want to improve my mental health. I am not excited about the therapist. I feel so trapped. And I feel so angry at myself. Why am I like this. Why do I bring destruction everywhere I go.I feel so terrible about myself. Maybe I am even faking depression, since I am capable of getting out of bed, and stuff, I just feel terrible and sad all the time. My thoughts and feelings are killing me. I just want to disappear... I feel so confused about how I am feeling.",Depression +19520,"I feel like the people that I love most in my life do not need me or want me. I feel so alone. I am exhausted from the stress, and I do not feel like I can talk to anybody about it because Ill be a burden by talking about myself and my feelings. I feel that the ones who mean the most to me can manage and do not need me. Nobody gives a shit if I am really okay or not. As long as I look it and get out of bed and go to work then I must be fine. This loneliness really really sucks. I hate crying, and I really need a hug. Just feel like nobody gives a shit about me",Depression +19521,"it is all getting too much for me. My sister has made rape allegations toward someone and after reporting the allegations I have been told I should kill myself by my sister. I do not know what I even did wrong or if I am being gullible for even reporting them in the first place. No matter what I do I end up making things worse, so it is clear I am not wanted. I just wish I could curl up into a ball and feel safe and happy. Why am I forced to go through all of this? While every other 16 year old near me has fun I am stuck with nobody and a drive to kill myself. I just hope I can trade my life for another when I die. None of the hotlines I talk to even feel human, just like automatic text machines made to comfort me. Does any of this make sense?? I am overwhelmed",Suicidal +19522,I may or may not have just slit my arm just now and fuck me What the hell am I doing with myself Fuck,Suicidal +19523,it should be a free option to die in society and i just no should i do it tomorrow? that is the question its no longer if i got the balls to do it it never was it was just an excuse because as a person i was very hopefull and did not yield. will i do it tomorrow damn if i could keep on sprinting tomorrow i would live for another day but i cannot because i trained my legs to much last time and need to rest for 2 days and i cannot wait for that. Please someone in the comments field i need to hear the truth please tell me i am a horrible person please tell me that i live a sad life like many other that is already lived and the best thing i can do now is kill myself please tell i am stupid and i will fail whatever i plan in the future tell me that no girl will love me please I am begging you guys just do this for me say i should kill myself because its for the best i cannot please i beg you say that i have all the reasons to do it please let me die,Suicidal +19524,"Most of them are memes about me being dead, I am sure nobody will care. Scheduling my post-mortem tweets",Suicidal +19525,"This is not how I feel all the time but when I do, it hits hard. I have felt like I could break down at any moment for the past month or so. I do not want to mention it to anyone I know especially people who actually care about me because 1. there is nothing they can do about it, 2. People start to treat you differently 3. People get upset when they know you are upset and that makes me more upset4. Most people can probably tell I am not in a great place just by the look on my face and my tone of voice and prefer to stay out of itSo I am sharing my feelings with you wonderful people instead. do not feel obligated to try to help. It just helps me a little to know that someone is listening. Existence is pain",Depression +19526,"God, the amount of many i would pay someone to do that is unreal. I wish someone would assassinate me so I do not have to kill myself.",Suicidal +19527,So I used to always get excited and horny again after a few days after jacking off and now I am not. I think I am leaking semen or something. Does anyone else have this problem? Lost my mojo and I am not getting it back?,Depression +19528,"26F. Outwardly, I am completely fine. Great job with upward mobility, homeowner, supposed to get married in October to a man who truly loves and supports me and is my childhood best friend, and I love him so much. Inside, I cannot go an hour without thinking about how much I want to die. I suffer from horrible OCD and anxiety. I have habits that I have to do to keep my family members from dying. I used to randomly text people at 3AM to see if they were okay. I am basically just always waiting for something bad to happen, and I was barely sleeping for years. I think I was running on a high from all my anxiety for a long time because I never was depressed. Suddenly, all I want to do is stop being anxious, and I think the only way is to die. I sleep a lot to keep from feeling anxiety. I take naps in the middle of the workday when I used to be a workhorse. I am so, so tired of this. I try to talk to my therapist, and she agrees I am tired but does not think I am really suicidal. If I try to talk to someone in my family (who is kind of falling out and fighting a lot) about it, they say I feel sad sometimes too or you have to let things roll off instead of taking me seriously. My fianc is very concerned and wants me to maybe go inpatient but I do not want to; I went once as a teenager for OCD and it was awful. Clearly nothing will ever help me. Family, therapy, in patient, literally getting married. I have even tried picking up a hobby. I would just feel horrible leaving my fianc alone. that is the only thing that stops me. I used to have my nephews and nieces to think about, but ever since my family started falling out I do not even really have that. I am honestly just rambling at this point and I have no idea why. I am always just rambling about stupid shit which is probably why no one gives a shit when I say I am suicidal. I do not know why doing lifes so hard for me",Suicidal +19529,"My city is in flames and I am barely holding on I feel like my family are oblivious to what is going on, I cannot believe my life is just getting worse and worse along with everyone else here but I am truly scared as I feel I have nothing left in me. I almost want to end it before something even more traumatizing happens. I am staying alive for my cats and the guy I love but he can easily just move on and find someone better, maybe even closer to him without all this bs that I have to endure. This situation in my country makes me so sad and depressed, I am putting on a brave face but I am crushed inside.. I feel like I am trapped truly trapped and there is no way out but to endure more and more. The days seems more and more bleak, we have food shortages, pet food shortages and soon maybe internet cut off as with water. I am devastated. I do not know anymore",Suicidal +19530,"I just do not feel emotions like I am supposed to do. I could play my favorite games, talk to my friends and everything I feel is boredom. I cannot laught without starting to think that my life is sensless and I will never accomplish anything realy useful for this civilisation. It all startet in march 2020(ofc it did) with a few thoughts about where I see myself after school, in 5,10,50 years etc.. It quickly got out of hand and turned into an existential crisis (with 15-16) and how none of my actions could change/influence anything bigger than my sensless relationships with friends etc. I cannot tell myself anymore that i matter or that anyone would matter if I just was not there. I miss the old days where everything that mattered was wich friend had time to play with me or what my mom is going to make for dinner but in the last few months these things are irelevant just IRELEVANT.I cannot get the motivation for anything. My grades dropped and are influenceing my future carreer(if i ever have one) dramaticly. I dropped from a solid 2(B) to around 3-4(between C-D) wich is not realy helpful if you try regaining any confidence/selfworth.Only a few know about this. I recently told my mom that i wanted to speak to a therapist but geting a therapist in Berlin is like trying to catch a fish in the dead-sea. The only thing that holds me from killing myself is the fear to hurt or to disappoint my family and friends. do not get me wrong I do not want to die but I do not want to live either. Being a nihilist does not help verry much. I would rather not exist than stay alife and ""suffer"". My death will not affect anyone eccept my family. it is getting late so I am going to close this now I might add some shit in the comments tomorrow. Thx in adwance. I do not feel happy anymore - and i do not know what to do about that",Depression +19531,I lost my job because I fucked up. I screwed up the one thing that gave me any value. I am sick of being here and sick of being fucking worthless. I have been so depressed for so long and today I lost my job. I wish I had the balls to just end it.,Suicidal +19532,i have ehlers danlos a mutation i am a glitch not a program i have so many health problems that burden others i feel like i wish i was aborted but i know there will be no afterlife because only humans have souls i know my emotions are just chemical reactions i hate the fact i am conscious despite not being human so i am aware of my own suffering caused by being an abomination of nature/a glitch in evolution I am not human and i think about killing myself every day,Suicidal +19533,"I have been sstruggling with serious depressive thoughts ever since i can remember, and other than a handful of one off memories, i feel like I am losing all my connections to my old self, and have had a severe drop in self worth recently due to this, which brought on another couple months of hell, and it just feels like no matter where i look for hope anymore, its just not there anymore. My mother was verbally abusive when i was growing up, and it really broke me early, and i feel like i lost my entire childhood, because i cannot remember a single thing, not even just random moments, literally nothing from around grade 2-grade 10 ish, which is when i had tried my first time to fight the thoughts, and it worked. temporaraly, of course, i knew if i just went back to living the exact same way i was before, it would all come back sooner than i can blink, and these feelings of being helpless in my own mind, is just such a defeating thing to aknowledge, its almost like signing your will if you accept the feelings, but i just cannot keep myself away from the shitty people who break me down, because i live in the same fucking house as them. I am so fucking tired of everything, honestly, but i know i will not make myself permasleep, because i care too much about everyone around me, and trying my best to make them know that they are loved whenever i can, just be the person i always needed growing up, which is not a bad thing, until you start to value other peoples lives over your own I feel like I, not physically myself, but mentally? does not exist anymore",Depression +19534,"I have ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I stopped taking my meds about a year ago and it was not that great of an experience. I lost friends, got frustrated with family and workit was not a good time. But I finally had the courage to my psychiatrist, talk to her and get more meds. This may seem like a small step to some but this is a huge step for me and I feel good about it. (: let us try this again",Depression +19535,"I was in the deep end of Major Depressive Disorder a couple days ago, I wanted to die but now I am okay, I am not sure what changed but I feel a lot more happy now then I have in a long time. I know I have depression but could I have underlying BPD? It does not change fast enough for me to be worried and maybe I am just feeling more positive because of some changes in my life.What do you guys/gals think? I have been feeling better",Depression +19536,Is anyone else just like full blown depressed and 100% ready to die at any moment but you just end up living life and being a complicit player in this weird SICK game lol I feel so confused and always think about taking my life but honestly its hard and takes so much work and effort and you just want to lay down and fall into a light blissful rest in which you hope you never wake from lolz lmk if you guys feel the same xoxox I am fully ready to pass away,Depression +19537,"Sorry in advance for lengthy post. To start, my husband (41) & I (40) have been together for about 25 years. I have gone through dark stages in my life. Suicidal thoughts + failed attempts. I used work as a coping method but I did not get anywhere with my work. still a manager while an account assistant I worked with 10+ years ago is now a Director. Due to unexpected post partum complication, I was hospitalized after giving birth. Hormone roller coaster. Zero visitors b/c of Covid. Finally was on antidepressant. I stopped them after hospital discharge. Fast forward to now, I start to feel that our marriage and feelings for each other has changed. I understand dynamics change with a baby but why do I always feel hes cheating? Sex life is nonexistent since pregnancy. We were both very excited and blessed with this child as conceiving was difficult. the happiest moment in our lives became the saddest at the same time. Enduring the pain of not being able to see my newborn meanwhile , He took care of our baby himself. Its as if we fought our own battles. It was not easy for both of us & I thought it would only make us stronger. Yet why do I feel the opposite?I have had similar episodes before where I feel our marriage is failing & all I wanted was to leave this world. I have started having same sad feelings. Sensitivity level is high. quickly boils down to a failed relationship. he has not been sleeping well the past few days. The other day he suddenly woke up and went for his morning walk with the dog. Typically, wed go together. I called him as I could not see him at the park. Finally he came back and I asked him where he was & that I called him five times. He pulled out his phone & said he had it on silent somehow. I do not know why my first instinct was that he met up with someone. Maybe because his walk was much longer than usual? I know hes been bothered by work lately but my first thought his insomnia was possibly because this other woman is pregnant or something(?)Yesterday was tough. I was sick to my stomach with the feeling hes definitely seeing someone. I was quite certain hell leave us. That He has already forgotten about our baby, our love, our excitement when we first learned of the news. Thoughts came rushing in. Sadness swelled up my body. I had thoughts of leaving, I craved alcohol and had a few sips. The feeling of leaving this world was strong. The emptiness. The feeling that you have lost everything. The pain of feeling sorry for bringing my child here. The disgusted feeling of being weak and feeling like a coward. I am not even qualified to be a mom and my baby will be better off without me. Our baby turned one and still young so maybe husband will Be able to find a better mom. And while holding my baby to sleep, I asked if I can bear not being able to see the beautiful smile, hear the laughter and chuckles. And as the thoughts came about, they flooded my eyes. I feel I am doing more harm than good to my baby. Will my baby forgive me? knowing its probably better developmentally , does it matter if I am forgiven?Perhaps it would have been better for everyone if I had just died with the complication last year. Tired of battling in my head",Depression +19538,"Hey, all! English is not my native language so please bare with my poor English skills. As the title says: I have an internet friend and he shows hard suicidal thoughts and he also was talking that he will do it until or on Sunday. I am so worried and I honestly do not know what to do. I am so scared that I will lose him. He means a lot to me even though we only know us through the internet. Has anyone ideas what I could do to help him? Help! Internet friend is getting more and more suicidal the last few weeks",Suicidal +19539,"I was just like, ""...no why?"" . Fuck, I thought it was not obvious, damn, I am terrible at hiding this shit. My mate literally just asked me if I was depressed",Suicidal +19540,Anyone else I have a death day? Mine is a year off and today I thought about canceling it and now after a 3 minute conversation with my wife I want to make it tonight. My therapist says my kids will be messed up but I think if I stay they will be more messed up. I have a list of things I should do before I go letters clean up my stuff Sort through all the stuff from my life and get rid of it Internet accounts need to be shut down or passwords recorded What am I missing Death day,Suicidal +19541,"I have tried it all. I have done the meds, I have done the therapy, I have done every healthy mindset exercise. I have done the morning jogs, the healthy eating. The gratitude journals. The lists of why life is good. I am fucking tired man. I first started questioning life at 7, now 16 years later I am tired. I do not get the ups and downs of life, its just a downward slope. And I am fed up of people telling me to just hold on in there etc. This new doctor will help, these new meds will ease it. Mate I am so far gone I cannot hold on. I cannot do another ducking day like this. It does not matter if I even wanted to live anymore, I am so exhausted. And I am stuck, because I know if I go half my family will follow. that is all that is kept me here, but tbh I do not think I have got it in me to keep going. do not tell me to just keep holding on for help when I have been screaming for it for years, and you never cared to listen. So done with this bullshit",Suicidal +19542,"I cannot do this anymore. I feel so dejected at work.I am 20. I am a 20 year old CS student and I am already tired.I see all of my colleagues from the same university/background doing exceedingly better than me with Fortune 500/investment banks under their belt.I see all these people with a year in industry with leading companies. I got not a single offer.I already feel so tired of this rat race. I go to an internship that I do not enjoy just to add an extra number on the month to my CV. Just to make it look shiny for the next job I hate.In my third year, Ill go through Leetcode questions, coding interviews and rejections. Rejections and rejections and rejections and rejections. I cannot help be already feel despair and hopelessness.Its half past midnight and I do not want to go to work.I cannot help but want to give up on everything. I just want to go home. I hate this rat race that is call a career.",Suicidal +19543,"I realize it probably will not and those bro scientists are full of it. But if they are right Ill be grateful Getting vaccinated, I hope it kills me",Suicidal +19544,Someone please tell me how I can buy a gun at 16. Or tell me how I can kill myself as quickly and painlessly as possible. I want to run away from home and drive as far as possible but I do not have any money or anything and I am probably going to just drive and drive until i finally decide to kill myself. I have a place in mind that I am going to go to. Please do not try to help me I just want to die please please tell me how I can do it Please help do not skip over this,Suicidal +19545,"How do you deal with the inevitable bad times? I know its the cycle of life but for me that makes it worse. I am in one of the bad times right now, it makes when life is good not worth it. The cycle of life",Depression +19546,"I have a friend who lives abroad that is suffering from deep depression caused by physical and emotional abuse from her father. As much as I know, he gambles a lot and when he loses money, he expresses all his anger by hitting his kids and wife, in addition to mentally ruining her by always calling her a failure due to getting bad grades in school. Its been getting worse and worse with time and she is always being a victim of this abuse and it is really fucking her up. I have never been in a situation like this so its been really hard trying to help her, that is why I am posting on this sub for advice. I suggested seeking for help, but the thing is I do not know how do I get her to receive this help. She lives in France of that helps in any way (in like hotlines for help for example). I would really appreciate any advice regarding this subject, because I do not really know how to act in this type of situation. Needing some advice for a friend",Depression +19547,"I have a pretty good life by most accounts. I am going into my last year of college heading into a pretty lucrative field. I have a loving girlfriend who cares about me more than anyone. I have a good relationship with my family. I have not gone through any major crisis in my life basically ever. So why do I always just want to fucking die? Nothing is going on in my life that should lead to me being suicidal and depressed, and yet that is exactly where I am. I do not even have a good reason to want to kill myself",Suicidal +19548,"I feel like everything in my life is going awful. My grandpa died last Monday, and while we all expected it is hurting more than I thought it would. My grandma then had to go to the hospital and I have been worried sick about them. Right before all this, I moved away from my family, and I am living with people I do not know at all. I feel isolated and alone here, but I moved away because I felt like I could not stay in my tiny house with my parents. I knew there was a risk but I thought there would be a better reward. So I am alone and grieving. On top of this, I am struggling to be productive for my job and I feel like a failure. The girl I have been seeing is suddenly being weird and stressing me the hell out right as I wanted to move to the next stage with her. Stuff keeps going wrong with my job. Lastly, I am terrified I have a freaking STD. She and I are not exclusive yet so she did not cheat on me plus it is one of the ones that they do not always test for. I feel so overwhelmed and I feel like it will only get worse when this girl inevitably picks someone over me...again.I am a good guy. I am nice, decently looking, good in bed, considerate, smart, and interesting. I am not a ""nice guy"" who thinks he is entitled to women at all. I have just been mistreated and hurt so much. I have a combination of awful luck, bad taste, and overeagerness that has kept me from having a romantic relationship. I want to kill myself before shit goes sideways with this girl, before I have to face the fact that I am a failure at my career path, before I have to deal with my Grandma dying also, and before things get worse. I feel like things are only getting worse. These issues probably seem stupid and trivial, but I cannot handle them. All I want is to be loved and I feel so alone. I have dealt with depression for years and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was hospitalized two years ago (after a summer almost in the exact same situation as now, but better). I am just so freaking tired. Even the fact that Reddit is being glitchy as I type this makes me want to jump in front of a train. I wish I could die without guilt. Like if I died saving someone or just dropped dead. Everything is just so overwhelming This is the lowest I have ever felt",Suicidal +19549,I still live with my family and they think that everything is okay. I spend most of my day in my room alone. But when i interact with my family I am all smiles and happy. I just feel very ashamed to tell someone that I am not happy or that I am thinking about killing myself. I have always been like this never like to talk about my emotions with anybody.I do not know what to do. I have failed school this year because i just could not keep up with online learning but i cannot bring myslef to tell anybody about this. I have been lying to my parents about school and i feel so guilty. I am addicted to weed now. I am such a failure. I just want everything to end. I am very depressed and suicidal but feel very ashamed asking for help,Depression +19550,"My life is ruined. I want to cry but cannot. I thought I was okay, but I am not. I am sorry... I cannot anymore",Suicidal +19551,"I hate warmth and going inside so its not going to be fun. does not help that I have the thoughts that people are constantly looking at me, judging me and are going to beat me up. Ill have to wait so long until I can actually get the proper treatment I need, kill me. Have to go on vacation next week and I am filled with dread",Depression +19552,"I am 15 male gay and a furry, I had a long distance boyfriend and he broke up with me last night and I think I am going to kill my self soon Tonight at 5 AM I am going to end my life.",Suicidal +19553,"I am not going to do it, because I am at my parents home. But I swear if I was in my uni flat right now Id have a go at hanging myself again. And this time, hopefully Id be successful. I am so sick of everything and nothing changing. People unfriending me, leaving me. Never being told what I did wrong, just receiving hatred over and over again. Life does not seem to have much meaning to me now and it DOES NOT get better because I was in no different position 5 years ago, save a few disappointments here and there. I want to kill my self again",Suicidal +19554,I am so tired and frustrated right now. I really need a few days off but my boss just will not let me go. The paid leave is guaranteed in my contract but my boss intimidates me into not taking it again and again. Last year my paid leave just expired. In principle German law (the country in which I am living) forbids this. But I do not have the balls to stand my ground.Overall I am very unhappy in this company. The salary is under average and I am treated like shit. I know I should do a job change but my fear of quitting and how I will be treated between resigning and actually leaving the company (a full month) is big. I feel that I just do not have the balls to do this. In principle I know I would find another job with my qualifications (Masters in IT) but actually doing it just feels like way of a too big step for me. Boss will not let me have my vacation,Depression +19555,he died in fourth grade and i just graduated high school but i still miss him so much. I am crying because i will never see him for the rest of my life. ever. I am trying to remember happy moments with him but all i can remember is the last time i saw him and my parents coming back from the vet after he passed away. people say it gets better with time so i feel crazy for still sobbing about it. i still miss my dog,Depression +19556,I was so happy for a while but constantly in the back of my mind i was terrified of falling back into my depression and just like that it is back again. At least when I am back in this state I do not have the constant anxiety of it happening again but i really thought this time I had finally made it out so this really sucks annoying,Depression +19557,"This is not very important, just something I am thinking about.My depression gets very dark in the winter, I have been surviving it clearly but its just so terribly lonely and gloomy yk. It feels like it worsens with every year but in the summer its pretty decent. I am not suicidal in the summer, just sort of empty but not numb per say (This sounds really corny, I am just using words I have heard other people use). But right now I feel really really terrible and its summer. This has been reoccuring but not to the extent of how severe it is in winter. Is this seasonal depression?Sorry if that is a dumb question it is just sometimes I feel completely fine then all of a sudden i will be completely drained and its exhausting. I am not looking for a diagnosis but any insight? seasonal depression?",Depression +19558,I worked alone. Office of ONE for years. It ate at me. It made me depressed. I sought help. I felt better I got a new job. After 2 months they just announced ever person in my office is moving location except me. Leaving me alone again. I had made friends. I am sad. I was thinking about self harm again. I hate this and everything about it. Why cannot I find a normal job with normal relationships. Right back to being alone at work.,Depression +19559,"I have had depression and anxiety for over a decade but in the last 8 months, its the worst its ever been. i wake up in sheer terror every morning, cry all the time and cannot find contentment in anything i do. I am on meds, seeing a therapist, reach out to friends and try and do the little things I have found meaning in before, go on walks but its not lifting and I am scared ill be like this forever. can anyone tell me stories of how they were at their absolute worse, without hope and eventually got out of it? needing some hope/inspiration",Depression +19560,"I am in debt because of my family, I am living off doordash in a car that I have been renting. I am overwhelmed because since my family fucked me over, my credit is shit. I do not see a reason to be alive anymore. I am getting so close to ending it all",Suicidal +19561,I do not know what I am going to do with myself. I get attached too easily that its impossible for me to make irl friends and it even makes me push away my online friends. I hate wanting to do nothing but text someone. Its the only distraction that helps with my depression. Seems to have constant anxiety of Ill always be alone I am going to be alone for 2 weeks and just thinking about it makes me not want to leave work,Depression +19562,Since I was 16 I become the target for this girl and was bullied relentlessly because I had breast and she did not I am Only c 14 what is wrong with it this lead me to damage self esteem I become a shut off yet I weighed less than my bullys I do not think I am ugly but I have a hard time feeling beautiful since every time I am happy with myself she drags me down but soon as I stand up for myself I am the bad person pretty much everyone calls me beautiful cute adorable because they know I suffer from low self esteem I never tear anyone else down to make myself feel better unless your that girl who made fun of mine she talks shit about anyone over a b cup and anyone she views a prettier than her complains why boys like me and how they should like her while she has a boyfriend wtf she is 22 btw and still stuck in her high school phase its no wonder people do not want to spend time with her . I never had a problem with my breast is she jealous Struggling with self esteem,Depression +19563,"Hi there! I am new here and I hope this is okay to ask. I (21f) struggle with symptoms of depression due to ADHD and anxiety, but my boyfriend (23m) mainly struggles a lot with depression. Hes been traveling for work for about three months now, he visited two weeks ago and seemed very happy to be home. He recently got switched over to another job (the company he works for basically sends him and his team to different jobs as they are needed) and he hates it. Hes working from 3am-3pm and I cannot even imagine how hard that must be. Hes been struggling a lot and I am really trying to support him and stay positive, but its really hard sometimes. He barely talks to me. The most I have gotten to talk to him in the last two weeks is for 10 minutes a day. I want to be loving and understanding, because I understand how hard this is for him, but I am at a crossroad. Mainly because while I get this is very hard for him, it is for me too. As someone with anxiety (and some trauma from past relationships) I have communicated to him that I need at least a little bit of time to check up on him and talk to him. 20 minutes is enough for me. But hes been saying that because hes been depressed, he does not ever really feel like talking. I totally get that, and I do not want to because him any stress, but by doing that I am causing myself and my mental health a lot of pain. I know we can work through this, but I would really appreciate some insight or advice on this. Anything will help. Partner with depression",Depression +19564,"After years of trying different antidepressants, cymbalta is the one that finally helps me. I have been on it for 6 months. It makes a big difference for my depression, anxiety, and ibs. However, it causes sexual dysfunction. No other antidepressant has done this to me and I had a high sex drive all my life. Now, my penis feels numb, my erections are like 70 percent of what they were, orgasms are way harder to achieve, and orgasms way less intense.I am going to ask my psychiatrist if lowering my dose from 60 to 30 might help and retain most of the benefits. My depression/anxiety was severe before this med so I do not know what to do. At the same time, this level of sexual dysfunction would probably render relationships with the opposite sex impossible. Also, having little sensation in your penis when your 28 is sort of disturbing and makes me feel inhuman in a way. Does anyone have similar experiences or advice? Depressed and horny or happy and basically sexually castrated? What an odd situation to be in.",Depression +19565,"Has anyone had any experience with this type of therapy? If so, what is the process like and has it helped with your struggle? Regression Therapy.....anyone tried it?",Depression +19566,It would make everything way easier I wish those suicide booths from Futurama would exist,Suicidal +19567,there is not much more to say. Death is truly the only escape. what is the point of being alive if the only reason you get out of bed is to make enough money to feed yourself so you do not starve. Truly what is the point. Life is a barren wasteland and death is the only escape,Suicidal +19568,"The last few weeks have been serious hell and I have had suicidal thoughts for years but i never did cuz i was scared but honestly now i do not really think I am fearful of death anymore. I do not rlly have good support systems, i got kicked out over something dumb a few weeks ago and facing homelessness soon, my uncle who i was close to unfortunately passed away and my mental health has just been seriously declining i pushed everyone away so what is the point anymore? I feel like its just going to get worse and worse and i do not want that happening, i do not want to be here anymore. Fuck I am so exhausted. NSFW i guess? i do not see any reason to go on tbh, i think my time is up.",Suicidal +19569,"My Mom told me to drop dead. And she wishes I was not born She said she wish to go live with Javier her ex boyfriend who controlled her and is now selling drugs so she said that and I I said where we going to live she said i do not give a fuck you think I care. all this happened because she rushing to go to Walmart because she thinks its going to rain and when we were waiting to cross the highway she is said why are you just standing there I said its a highway what do you expect then she hit me and started telling me to die and she wish she never had me also this stared because she is wearing my shoes and she is creasing them because she does not fit them because she has has small feet so I said do not wear my shoes no more because your creasing them and she got mad again and so then I went home and went to the bathroom opened up a pill bottle of loratadine 10mg each and put 20 in my hand I slowly raised my hand to my mouth but could not do it I started bawling my eyes out I am tired of this life I was born into poverty and feel trapped I am only 17 about to be 18 I am trying to hurry up and go to college but even that seems impossible because of my gpa, also on the way back home from Walmart I had a breakdown because I was just think what if I actually did what she said and killed myself and wrote a letter that says I did it because of you are ya happy now mom huhhhh sorry this is so long I need to vent and I need some advice xoxo Anne I am tired of life its because of my mom",Suicidal +19570,"it is getting harder and harder to hang on. The mantra of ""I want to die"" has been playing over and over in my head for so long that it is almost a subconscious tick. My husband is in a bad place with having to deal with his aging father and manipulative mother so I have to hold it together for him. I have no one else that I am close to so I never talk to anyone. I feel like I am drowning. I have no healthy coping mechanisms and most of the time just try to distract myself from reality. I want so badly to get help but I do not even know how to begin doing that let alone how to pay for it. I cannot do this anymore. I am so scared that one of these days I will not be strong enough to stop from doing something drastic. I am so tired of everything. I am not strong enough for this",Depression +19571,"I am going to kill myself eventually, it is just a matter of time. I feel so guilty for it but I know it has to happen. Hey brain, quick favour, shut up!",Suicidal +19572,"I am so scared of growing up, I hate the idea of it. I long to be dead and burned. I want the pain to stop. All I think about is death, it is all I want. I just do not want to do this anymore",Suicidal +19573,"my friends are the greatest people i know. i love them more than I have loved anyone in a while. they are great to me, and i really hope I am even half as great to them. but because of this, I have convinced myself that I am not good enough for them, and every time i see them it just reminds me of that. i hate the way i look, they are out of my league, even just for friends and i cannot shake the feeling that they would be better without me. any time i see my friends like in photos and such, i feel a wave of shittiness because i feel like they are too good for me",Suicidal +19574,"Nights are the worst. I have no distractions. I am left alone with my thoughts. I feel empty, alone with no purpose in this world. I will never amount to anything. Soon enough everyone will hate me. Everyone will see the failure that I am. Looking forward to when that day comes. So I can end my pathetic life with no guilt. ?",Depression +19575,I am husband now does not want to touch me. But he has no problem spending $700 on a monitor that he does not even need (he does not work at all) . My eating disorder is back because I feel fucking hideous and disgusting. he is noticed but does not care. Feels like life keeps adding more bs. Why am I bothering? Why am I bothering,Suicidal +19576,"nothing i do has any actual meaning. if try to do something, i will fail in the lobg run. I am just a husk of once was a bright, confident, ready-for-anything woman. now I am just a burden. i feel so fake to everyone. the promises i made to them have set impossible goals and standards for me. i am trapped. i feel so numb every day, and i do not even try anymore.",Suicidal +19577,I cannot feel regret remorse or guilt nor physical pain anymore. In a desperate atempt to feel something i have killed animals and burned my hand in boiling water but i just cannot feel I cannot feel anything since i got a higher med dose,Depression +19578,"I have a roof over my head, food, and a job. But I am so so so unhappy and fucking miserable. I hate every moment of existing.I am just tired of having to try in life. I want to give up. I want to quit my job and do nothing. I try and try and nothing works. I do physical exercise. I sleep. I eat. Life is a repetitive monotonous hell.Existence is misery. I am so tired. I just want to quit. I want to quit everyday.",Depression +19579,"I am a teenager, so things will only go downhill from here. I am already miserable, and I just spend most of every day trying to kill time and distract myself from how miserable I am. I will never like myself, and I do not see how anyone else could.I do not want to have to work in a job that I hate for the rest of my life. I do not get how other people do it. I have definitely failed all of my classes due to the apathy and constant brain fog. My life is basically ruined.I have no goals. Most people seem to have a dream job, or want to get married and have kids and live in a big fancy house and whatnot. I am not good at anything, and I do not have the drive to practice something when I am not good at it. what is the point",Depression +19580,"I am too depressed to beat my meat man, this is a new level, I have been depressed before but, never this bad New level of depression",Depression +19581,"all i do is complain about how badly i want to kms but i honestly just say that to make myself feel better which makes me feel even 10x more shittyi do not even want to die i just want to stop living i have so many mental illnesses that at this point I am not even living , just suffering as cringe as it sounds its true. i feel so trapped and there is no way out and there is always going to be consequences for everything. if i decide to sleep the entire day then i have to deal with school work and then my mom yelling at me which makes me even more depressed.. idk what to do anymore... i hate my life i wish i was never born i want to die so badly but i know ill never do it",Depression +19582,"Lately the days are a watercolor blur, napping all day, waking only to do housework. there is nothing to do, if I talked to anybody, I would have nothing to say.Today, I was planning out my morning, wake up ten minutes before therapy, after, take a nap, dishes, take a walk, nap, evening, sit on porch, take melatonin and sleep. that is about every day as of late. I do not change out of pajamas anymore, even when I go to the doctor, they keep me there for full days of tests every week.Most days I wish I could go back to the old me, during the deep lows of my depression, I.K. This is not rational or healthy, but something about it was comfortable. Even though I was worse than current, I managed to function twice as much, and stayed up until 11 and woke at 730. I had less going for me than now, no friends, no opportunities to even gain a hobby, laid off, clothes that slowly became tighter as I fell farther into mental illness. But life was beautiful in a weird way, all I saw was the little things in life, everything looked better.do not plan to change anything if I went back in time, do not miss drama, because me from a few years ago was already pretty aged and tired of that all. I only miss the comfort, because my depression now no longer has that comfort.Thank you for reading, any replies appreciated. Off my chest",Depression +19583,"I have wanted to kill myself many times. I thought I was over it, but guess not.Rejection hurts. People do not care how it makes me feel. They have all their friends and family. I have no one.All people need to hear is that everyone else hates me, too. that is enough reason for them to hate me as well.If they could hear my story, I am sure they would understand. But they do not want to hear. Once they have made up their mind, there is nothing I can say.It seems that the only way to have a social life is to pretend I am fine but I am not. As soon as I drop the act, they all leave. But it kills me inside all the same. Knowing how fast people will turn against you. Why do I even bother when it always ends the same?Only my mother and sister would mourn me if I was gone. Even my brother does not care. All men in my life seem to hate me. No one wants to be friends with an outcast",Suicidal +19584,I do not know where to start. I am stuck at a dead end hospital job. I am in a shitty relationship. I have no emotional support from my family and I have no friends. I feel like a failure. My family thinks I am a failure. I used to be a straight A student in high school and was planning on going to college. But it ended up being extremely overwhelming and I did not even complete the first year. I am also dealing with abuse. I am stuck. I cannot handle it anymore. I have been thinking about suicide for months now. Honestly the only reason why I have not done it yet is because I am a coward. I am scared it will hurt too much and scared that Ill survive it. I am at my jobs parking lot as I type this and researching ways to kill myself Struggling,Suicidal +19585,"Where I am now In a far away place, I stood wondering whether I am where I should be. It is right here where my journey has led me, it is the place I sought for a long time but then... Then why I do not feel accomplished. Were the sacrifices I made worth more than my presence here? Did I choose wrong in my way here?This place is wonderful, it truly is, but it feels so wrong to be here and thinking on going back feels even worse. I do not belong here nor I belong there anymore. This was my goal, my finish line, I am a fool for not planning beyond that? but really, who does? Who does that when you are not even sure you are going to be there?Can I continue without the certainty that it will get better? Am I allowed to feel sad in such paradise? is not it an offence for those who stayed behind cheering for me? Am I betraying my past self for not fulfilling his expectations? My head is a mess right now. Each day passes and I know I am losing myself in self doubt, grief, in darkness....I am tired, tired of beating myself. I want to ask for help but how can I? When I should be happy, but I am not. A short text that I wrote a few month ago. ""where I am now""",Depression +19586,"I do not feel anything but sadness and pain when I am doing things, when I am trying to sleep. All I want is to find that positive side again but I fear its lost now. Why is the world such a cruel place I am Just empty",Suicidal +19587,this is about my ex girlfriend. i broke up with her two days ago because things with our relationship just were not working out anymore and it was starting to become a little toxic and damaging my mental health. but she is suicidal. we were long distance. she lives in the uk and i live in the us and I am worried because there is not much i can do to help for that reason. i still care about her more than anything and i would not be able to live the rest of my life if she did commit. us being broken up just gives her more of a reason to do it because i was all she had. are you able to still call the police in the uk if you are in the us? and will it be on the bill? or maybe there is something i can fill out online if so please send links or something i need to help her i need some help,Suicidal +19588,I do not know how to kill myself i do not have access to any kind of gun i cannot stand seeing blood or making myself bleed heard that hanging yourself is real painful maybe jumping from somewhere works but i do not know any place to jump and do not have any energy to find either the most reasonable way is to overdose on something but even that is so fucking hard with the drugs I have got like I got to take too many but that is just needs too many energy yk and I do not have access to any hard drugs to od on I feel like I am fucking drowning and it keep hurts my body and there is an exit but I am not able to go and use that exit please help me and tell me some easy way to quit this life I cannot stand it anymore. can you please help me,Depression +19589,"I have been depressed for years, meds do not seem to help. Already attempted a few times, seems like no one wants to let me go.... but the same people also never listen to me or to what I have to say. I feel it is so pointless being alive. I am constantly getting blamed for something I did not do, and no matter how I defend myself, people assume that I really did it. One time I called the cops because a customer was being very rude and aggressive. They never came and I called in the afternoon. The next day the same customer comes back to the store with 2 cops. The 2 cops take me to the back room and say ""we can either do this here or take you back to the police station and arrest you"". Like what do mean...... obviously I would rather do ""this"" here then go to a police station and get arrested. Anyways the cops pull out 4 pieces of paper with 8 size print, top to bottom with text and there like"" sign here, sign her and here"". Like I have no idea what I am signing and it would probably take be a while to read it all. After I signed the cops say that I am being charged for assault.... cops said the customer ""fears for his life"" and that I had hit him. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??!?! Never touched the guy and not only that, I called in the day before and put in a report, and no one showed. Yet this guy gets 2 cops, says these lies and they just charge me for assault, did not talk to any of my coworkers, or check any of the 4 cameras in our store..... wow so this is how easy it is to be a cop? No detective work at all, no evidence that I touched the guy. Just some guy that said I had assaulted him. Fuck this guy and fuck these cops. End up spending $300 on a lawyer to write a letter to the cops that charged me, and not until 1.5 months later the cop finally calls me and drops the charges. Ngl I was super stressed for weeks. Idk this is just some of the things that keep on happening to me. does not matter where I go, it is like bad luck I guess. I rarely go out, really only to get groceries. I feel like everytime I go out, something bad happens to me, and the few people around me just like to ""push my buttons"" or poke at me? I do not really know how to describe it but, it just does not make me feel any better. Any turn I take happens to be the wrong one all the time. I dunno, it seems like stuff like this only happens to me. So I decided that there is a few more things that I want to do and then do the deed Death will stop it all?",Suicidal +19590,"I no longer have hobbies. The only thing I do is baking but that is only when a birthday is coming up. I just focus on studying, stressing about getting that good grade and degree. Stressing about finding a job. Stressing about trying to move out because I feel like my family does not appreciate space and privacy. Most of my friends are too busy with work, school, and relationships which is fine and all but it still sucks. I am crying more often. I hurt myself when I am angry and stressed. I have been trying to hold on to that childlike wonder but I do not think it will last. For the longest time, I thought I could prove my dad wrong but he was right about all of this. Even though I have death anxiety, I cannot help but also look forward to it. I can finally sleep in peace, without any awareness. Transitioning into the adult world is making me realize that life is dull and draining.",Depression +19591,"Hi, I have 0 motivation in almost anything, I am scared of going outside especially when I am alone(I begin to literally shake and lightly sweat) and I am beginning to lose braincells for like no reason, stuff that was easy before are impossible now. I am useless and feel empty and I am fat. And for some reason I just want to be erased of this planet , I want to die but I will not kill myself just one day I kind of hope a car would accidentally ride over me and then this would be done. And I hate ppl who ask you if you are okay bcz if you say no they ask why and I hate to talk to ppl about that. So yea that sums me upIn short: I am useless, fat, retarded, and I would not mind if a car would ride over me. Do I have depression? Or am I just sad",Depression +19592,"So I am 32, male, and I have never been great at making friends, i have two close friends, one has been moving round the country for a while, and is now living 6-7 hours away, another recently moved 7-8 hours away. Then there is me, stuck where i am, average job, mortgage on house, i have a girlfriend but in 14 years I have never felt secure like she is the one. I cannot ever break up with her because there is always something.We was about to go counselling then she ended up in hospital and three years later doctors are still working on her while she is significantly disabled. Its literally always the worst time. The house is mine so she would end up moving out and trying to start life fresh. I just feel everything is dead ends right now. I have never actually felt this alone. Friends moving away",Depression +19593,Hey guys can you guys please help me 16(m) get out of my bed I am just not feeling it do not know if I have any depression issues. I am worried that I might be seen as weaker by family and friends if I try to talk about it and I really do not know what to do this is the second time this week and I feel so guilty for not getting out of bed yesterday can someone please help me get out of my bed. Can I get help getting out of bed.,Depression +19594,"Got a job a few weeks ago and I have been on every single day. I was unemployed for 5 months prior and hated the monotony of it all. Also I got out of an abusive situation, moved and started the job right away. Emotionally I am not coping well. I have reached a new stage in my depression where its loss of self and I cannot wrap my head around this. I do not want to be here but whenever I express this to my mother who is the one and only person I have, I am burdening her and using it as a manipulation tactic. I do not know what else to do. No call, no show today",Depression +19595,How do you convince yourself to go through with it. I appreciate how people will sit and want you help however i urge you not to attempt to and I want to hear real answers to my questions. I am sorry Help,Suicidal +19596,"I used to be so much better at thinking and using my brain. I would be much better at writing and even as I type this post I know that it is worded horribly. I will randomly zone out when I am in the middle of doing things. I cannot hold a conversation at all anymore, people just say ""say whatever comes to your mind"" but the problem is that nothing comes to my mind during conversation. At all. It is incredibly frustrating once I get past the default small talk questions. I have horrendous brain fog and cannot get anything done My mental ability has completely diminished",Depression +19597,"I had terrible depression after my grandmother died in 2018. I was in a free fall and could not get myself out. I was pressured by my (My parents both died and i live with these idiots) uncle and aunt to perform in school, which i did not at the time. I was in a tiny kind of high school relationship with a girl and it was horrible, i was her baggage off-loader. Fast forward 1 year and I am doing much better, grades skyrocket started playing sports again and doing choir. Life started looking up for a bunch of years until now And its bad.This year i met a girl, and i really do love her. My issues just fly out of the door when I am with her. But when i get home, i want to die. I started studying BSc computer science. Its tough, but its my passion. I am losing my emotions, i cannot laugh I cannot cry, I am only down the whole time. Me and my uncle had an argument, it got heated and he grabbed me by the throat, i immediately start to defend myself. And now he does not talk to me, i do not want to talk to him, when i think about him i want to kill him ontop of that i live in south africa we have terrible riots and looting going on , so fearing for your life is also a thing.Honestly i do not know where to go.I am stuck in quick sand and i cannot breath. Anyone, please help Depressed after 4 years. And i do not know where to go.",Depression +19598,"If I was to check myself in, or be forced to go, for someone without insurance that would put me in debt would not it. Checking into asylum without insurance",Suicidal +19599,"These days I am not feeling good enough, pathetic, and that I am failing at life. I am tired of fighting for everything. I have had it seeing everyone around me getting what they want and I am stuck drowning. I had to fight for years, and I am so tired of fighting the fight. Without anyone to help. Sometimes I wonder why fight? you only going to get shot why an arrow again. what is the use to keep fighting? All I want is to be happy for once in my life. I try to be strong and not let everything get to me but it is hard when you always get knocked down. I can see why people give up. I try to not let epilepsy get me down, it is who I am right? I think what would it be to live life without epilepsy will my life be better? not so much fighting? would it be easier for me to get a job? what do you do when you feel you had enough, have no strength to move forward I even feel like I cannot keep friends. what wrong with me? is it me?",Depression +19600,Been seriously struggling lately with like a lot of mental health stuff. I am just getting overwhelmed with everything and I am trying my best to put myself out there to move forward but no matter what I do.. This life just feels like I am not supposed to be here. I do not even know what to do anymore because I feel there is no point. People do not feel even close to as heartfelt as I do and this goes for friendships/relationships etc.. The only good people I have met in the last 4 years are also in my boat just struggling etc. homeless or extremely depressed.. idk I am also fearful I am going to become homeless at this point because with whatever savings I have I cannot get into housing so I am just like bouncing around trying to figure things out. I just do not know anymore I am trying to be hopeful I truly am but I am just scared.. like I feel like I am genuinely here to like enjoy nature and to love and to transcend art in some way and I am failing at all 3 right now. I have a dog that keeps me going and my head above water I know I need to get better for her sake just because she deserves me as my happy go lucky self. I have pretty much no family besides a sister and like idk I do not relate to a lot of people anymore so its just like ya and then guys who try to befriend me I feel like literally are just going to try to have sex with me so its like what the fuck is life. Just like saddens me. Ugh,Depression +19601,Comence terapia e [opcionyo.com]( cambio la vida... Terapia es la solucin,Depression +19602,So that feels good at least...to spite life I guess... Everyday I get through is a big F you to life,Depression +19603,"I am so angry rn, Why does this shit always happen to me? I never, ever get what I want...not even once!I fell in love a few months ago after being cold for four years...and this is the first time I have felt this way...so I decide to tell her.. and she was taken two weeks ago! FUCK ME!! I have been crashing on her for 4 months...and I overcame my social anxiety to tell her...but life did not want me to get anything! All I have had is bad luck, and this is not the first time..in my entire life, I have not won anything..I am not a loser, I work hard to improve myself, but who the fuck is shitting in my life?Dude ! i lost a job deal with 370k per year.just Because I was in the hospital and did not see the mail for two days, they assumed I was ghosting them. I tried again on the fourth day, but the job had already been taken!i swear i not a bad person to deserve this shit! I Fucking hate my life.",Depression +19604,I do not want to be here anymore.I really tried to turn things around I tried to make things better but no matter what I do I just feel like I am suffocating while everyone watches. I have been feeling like this for seven fucking years and I am so fucking tired. In those seven years I have tried to kill myself multiple times which did not exactly work out for me. I just want everything to stop. I just want to close my eyes and to never wake up again. I do not want to remember shit anymore. I do not want to have to feel like this anymore. I do not want to have to try and cope with shit and convince myself that I can handle just one more day anymore. I am so fucking tired. Even when I feel like things should be good I am miserable and I do not want to be anymore. I feel like I am suffocating,Suicidal +19605,"Just watch Gawr Gura sing cannot take my eyes off you and got goosebumps + almost started to tear up. It just came up in my YouTube recommendations and I decided to watch it because idk why, but as soon as it started I just froze. And then the aforementioned occured. The words and her voice just.. I could not. I do not have even close to the amount of confidence to talk to girls irl, and I get shaky with adrenaline even talking *about* that kind of thing. Christ I are not go anywhere in this life On god I have lost it",Depression +19606,"I am 34, a kissless virgin, and a complete failure. I am short (5'3), bald, very ugly, and South Asian.I am autistic and have severe anxiety. No therapist or psychiatrist has been able to help me.I am physically disabled and in chronic pain. No doctor has been able to help me.I have no job and no career because of my disabilities and my autism. I will soon be homeless and I have been denied disability multiple times.I have no friends and no family. I am completely alone.Why should not I kill myself? Why should not I kill myself?",Suicidal +19607,We are new organization focused on diagnosing depression through Reddit data. Please fill out this [form]( to help in the ongoing fight against depression. Anybody can provide valuable data by filling out this form. Please share this with friends and family and combat this epidemic. [Link to Form]( Help End the Depression Epidemic,Depression +19608,"There is NOTHING GOOD ABOUT LIFE. For fuck sake. I never have energy, pleasure, happiness past 10 years. I cannot attract any women and never have or will because depression makes me so fucking boring and I am probably too ugly anyways. Low IQ. Virgin. People who tell me I have so much time because I am only 21 can fuck off. Depression never goes away. No advice helps so F all of it. Id truly be better off dead. I really want to do it. All it really takes is for me to learn how to buy/tie a noose then go hang myself in a forest. Maybe I could get drunk on a road with no one at night time then slam into a tree so they would think its an accident. Done with this life. I do not want to hear any of your stupid success stories/advice either, it will not help me. Nothing will or can I really want to kill myself",Depression +19609,"This pain is so fucked up because when it is not here i miss it and when it comes i want it to go I wish if i was dead , i do not want to kill myself but i want to die , i want a horrible death that will make me suffer the most , because i deserve it , i really want to stop hurting others but i cannot because i am wicked , even if my intentions were good , my actions either it hurt other or it hurt me",Depression +19610,"I realize I do not really have a solid sense of identity or can tell if I truly enjoy my life outside a role, whether that be working, or being someone is friend. Whenever I am not doing something specific that keeps me distracted from the time that is trickling ever so slowly, I start to get nervous. Usually then I try to distract myself as much as possible. When I succeed, it works, but other times Ill feel a debilitating sense of the reality that we are all truly clueless and helpless in the fact nothing lasts and we all die someday. Then it fades away again for a short time until the next cycle comesWhat do you guys do to stay distracted and anxiety free as long as you can? Happy when busy, sad when there is nothing to distract me",Depression +19611,I want to matter to someone. Am I asking for too much? I just want to be worth something,Depression +19612,"I really want to commit suicide right now, I just cannot anymore but I do not even have the energy to selfharm so no way am I going to have the energy to kill myself. Just laying in my bed, listening to music while scrolling through this subreddit because I am so tired but not like I need to sleep which I do because I do not want to live right now but I am tired in the way where I just cannot, I just fucking cannot, sorry if that did not make sense, just wanted to share my feelings a little. I want to commit suicide right now but I am too tired to even move",Suicidal +19613,"I just want someone to have a last conversation with before it happens. It will not be long, maybe 20-30 minutes. If not, that is okay. Sorry to everybody that feels this way. Final talk",Suicidal +19614,"I wake up and I am so angry. I drive to work and I am angry the whole work day. I come home do nothing, barely eat, do nothing and struggle to sleep then repeat. On the weekends I get drunk and go to a club or party, sometimes with some freinds. I hate everything about myself. I am always mad or numb I barely cry anymore I just get angry or do not give a shit. I am a highshcool dropout, I work a shitty dead end job, and I do not have any motivation to do anything else. I am terrified of meeting new people because I know they think I am stupid, disgusting or both. I do not know how to do anything remotely social except getting drunk and going to parties or clubs. I have watched everyone around me succeed and move on with they are lives and forget about me. My friends ask how I am doing and I lie and tell them I am fine or getting better, but its not. I cannot stand lying to them and I do not know why I do, but I cannot open up again and I do not know why.I have seen therapists and tried all sorts of medication. But It did not help I go out sometimes to bridges, cliffs, piers rooftops, anything hoping someone comes along and kills me because I cannot do it myself. I can force myself through feeling awful all the time but I cannot force myself to end it. I just want it to end. Please help me I cannot do this anymore",Depression +19615,"I am just so tired of feeling completely misunderstood by my mum. I am tired of being sensitive and being hurt by the things she says to me because I know she worked so hard to give me and my sibling everything we have and all the opportunities I had. I have traveled, I went to uni, she supports me but I feel like I only disappoint her. Even thought I feel like her own trauma and the way she handled raising us is partially to blame for a lot of my anxiety and depression issues I cannot just blame her because I know she did her best....Now she found out I smoked weed and I cannot even face her because I feel so guilty. I feel like she blames me for everything and when I voice my feelings I get told I understood everything wrong and I am to blame for how I am.I love my mum I do not know what to do, but she is had a massive impact in my most recent (and worst) depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts and she does not even have the slightest clue of how shitty I am feeling. And I cannot bring myself to tell her.I am just scared. I feel like I am alone and no one understands me. I do not know what I am going to do, I cannot get myself to finish writing my thesis and I just want to finish this damn degree and figure out what I am going to do with myy life. I am so lost and confused. I feel like a failure.it is also taking a toll on my boyfriend and I feel so bad for bothering him with my depression, I know I am not nice to be around and he is tired of listening to my problems. I feel like a burden and like I do not contribute to anything good. I really just wish I could fall asleep and not wake up anymore so my mind, body and heart could finally rest. I recently started antidepressants and it has really helped my anxiety and depression but I still have awful lows even though they are shorter periods of time. My mum does not understand my depression and now she thinks I am to blame because I smoked weed, when in reality weed was a coping mechanism I used in times I was feeling very bad, some times caused by her. It might have not helped in the long run, but it was not the bottomless hole she says it is. It helped me stay less depressed, distract myself and in times it even helped me get work done when I could not get myself to do it sober. I know I had/have a problem with it, that is why my consumption was always very on and off, because I could see myself losing control. But I am aware of it and ever since I started the antidepressants I have stopped smoking and I want to quit it for a long time (if not forever). I want to get better, and I try so hard to get up, clean myself, take a walk but everything is so hard.. And now I hate being at home with her because of the tension... I would love to have a nice relationship with my mum, that is why I kept trying to talk and work things out but I was always met with victimization and accusations of guilt... I do not want to leave my mum alone but... I do not know what to do and this environment does not help me get better. Also I do not have a job right now and I do not think I have the strength to work,i cannot get myself to do anything productive. I just... do not know what to do..... Except lie down and cry and scroll on my phone and think and blame myself and blame my mum and just want to stop existing...... I never thought I could actually be depressed but there is no denying it now and everything just feels hopeless. I do not know what the future looks like. The mental health support in my country is shit and I have been to 2 therapists, had 1 bad experience with theFirst and an underwhelming one with the second and looking for a new therapist, starting everything all over again and asking my mum for money for therapy just seems.... Exhausting (English is not my 1st language) Another depressed and misunderstood girl in her 20s rant",Depression +19616,"Todays been especially hard, but it comes in waves. I want to kill myself, not neccesarily because I feel like everyone hates me, but more that I just feel like life is just a game of suffering or pretending. I visited some friends at school and everything just seemed so superficial and I felt disconnected from it, and honestly was expecting something different because I have felt disconnected from everywhere else. After a traumatic event back in the fall I have not been the same since and I just struggle trying to figure out the reason for life, and get worried that all it is is suffering until death. Its hitting especially hard today. I do all that I can, I am on medication, see a therapist, work a decent job, exercise, spend time with family and friends, and at this point i have no sense of self, and just do not want to carry on. I am 21 years old and already have been so uncomfortable with how life has been panning out, and just thinking about the future is extremely discouraging. Please anything helpful that has helped get out of this headspace would be so appreciated Does it ever go away",Suicidal +19617,"It was like an addiction that I cannot end the cycle ofIve finally decided to stop buying games. With a library with dozens of unplayed games, including big titles like Sekiro, Dark souls 3 and Mass effect LE, I do not want to ruin my steam library by adding more shitty games. I am not going to buy anything anymore !! No more stress about refunds and no more g2a keys that I cannot refund. I think the stress relief will be amazing. I also quit binding of Isaac bc of the frustration.. does anyone know how to beat the Moms heart? I have spent 30-40 hours in the game and I am done now. I am going to play disco elysiym and never touch another game again. I felt so stressed and depressed bc I kept buying gAmes on steam",Depression +19618,"i do not see how my life can get worse. I am in the worst state that I have been in for years. my friends are breaking apart and moving away, I am working a job that does not pay me enough, my parents are mad at me every day, my relationship is in shambles, and i do not see it getting any better. i do not know what i have going for me at this point. i just want to give up and shut myself away from the world forever. i cannot be around anyone in this state. I am a burden on everyone. i think I am giving up",Depression +19619,What is a prison. A place where you are detained against your own will. What is life. A place that you end up by mystery and unable to leave. Leaving entails death by suicide. Fear of the unknown keeps you here in this prison. Life is not a gift is a fn curse. Every day is disappointing filled with evil. You have to constantly watch your back. Sound familiar?I am certainly hating life and wish this works would end. It will not. Never end on it is own. it is a prison and I am a prisoner. Wish I was dead How is life a gift? More like a prison.,Suicidal +19620,Today my teacher was touching my chestlike great way to end the trauma fucking traumatise me more ugh I feel so dirty I want to die I am in a special needs school for people with trauma and mental health issues,Suicidal +19621,"Hi, I do not know how to talk to anyone face to face about these thoughts I have, I tried to speak to my mum recently but she did not really listen and advised me to speak to a professional and insists they can help but I already tried that and it did not make any difference. I have been in a state of apathy and disconnected from my self for so long now and keep making decisions that are detrimental to my life as a whole that i cannot do anything anymore to get better. I am currently out of work and have been for a while, the idea of going back into work scares me as I have had several back injuries and I am so passive around others that I never end up doing well at my job or in social settings never get past the superficial stage and any authority figures and cliques in the workplace intimidate me. I was made redundant from a role early in 2020 and have not been in a good head space since, I kind of was marginalised at that job and was made to work isolated alone for a long time and it took a toll on me mentally but as i needed income stayed there.I did not fit in and the guys at work spread rumours about me, made fun of my work and made me feel pretty bad really, I thought at times they were mocking me while I was there to each other in a kind of coded way which I believe is true now as on my last day the other guys all knew I was getting fired and they were making indirect comments in ear shot of me but no body told me anything concrete even the one guy that I thought maybe was a friend did not say anything.Not long after losing the job, I had another significant back injury (3rd time I have slipped a disc) my nan fell ill and sadly passed away alone in hospital due to the pandemic rules of no visitors, the first lockdown started, I also had to move out of my living arrangements to a camper van in a truck yard and have basically struggled to function ever since.For around a month now I have spent more or less the entire time in my room and just order takeaways. I have no income and cannot imagine how I can go back to work.I have had nightmares about that job and although I have worked since it was extremely hard and void of any enjoyment at all to be honest, I had a brief 6 month stint with a small building firm afterwards but as I have not been in a good head space i think the boss took advantage of it and did not stick to his end of an agreement we made when I started and his daughter who annoyingly could not even read a tape measure or use a saw used to pick on me a bit and make smart arse comments to me, I can only think this happened because my mental state was pretty clear and did not really back myself up very well and because it was the bosses daughter figured it would not be in my interest to tell her to fuck off. The role there ended after I spoke with the boss about a pay rise because he never stuck to his side of the agreement, which he agreed to but shortly afterwards told me there was no more work on. I made a deal with myself that I was going to really apply myself there so I know my work ethic and workmanship was on point so this has only compounded my negative thoughts about my life and how I view my self really...Most of my social interactions are now riddled with paranoia that people are secretly mocking me and even memories I have from before that are now in question, as if my perception of these memories are incorrect or if I have been in a deluded state for years, I cannot continue to do this for much longer and cannot see a realistic way forward. it is been well over a year since I have felt like this now. what is going on...I do not know what to do. Just venting thoughts and wondering how I can get past this",Depression +19622,"In my early thirties now. Born with bilateral cryptorchidism and I do not produce male sex hormones. I have been on a low dose of testosterone since November of 2020 because I am worried what more will do for my mood disorder. Extreme psychosexual sexual abuse when I was a teenager by a predator. Psychiatric problems throughout my twenties, did not week help until I was 25. Bipolar, ptsd, depression. Like I said I am in my mid thirties now. Poor as hell my entire life. No one is REALLY helping. It all just seems superficial. I know I have had good friendships but currently all my friendships are absent or not really conducive. I do not see a future where I am happy and thriving. I am on vrylar , lipitor, and testosterone. Doc wants to put me on Prozac. I do not want prozac. I just want my material conditions to get better. I have thought about disappearing lately. CSB is not helpful. Doctors are not helpful. I am not going to relegate myself to being miserable and poor and okay with it. I am the definition of dysfunctional physiologically and psychologically",Suicidal +19623,"I am sure everyone feels this way, I want to forget, to give up, but anytime I try something I chicken out I am scared to die",Depression +19624,now i am a burden to everyone i am just a she will of what used to be so bright and confident,Suicidal +19625,"I only get massaged every week or maybe more, no one will notice that I am gone. I give up, there is no excitement to do anything, only pain. I always like to speculate how long will it take for people (other than family) to notice that I am gone.",Suicidal +19626,Since I cannot find a way to end it all I am going to say this Fock Neighborhood Nip. Nip.seeey Husssle. Lol got Nipped. When he got kicked that made me laugh. Fock K.ing V..on fock F.bg. duck should of ducked... now come get me I am in Savannah. I really need to talk to someone about this..,Depression +19627,"Nothing is helping the pain I am feeling right now , crying does not even give me relief What the fuk do I do then cannot even off myself if I wanted to. Trapped in my suffering I am so tired of crying. it changes nothing",Depression +19628,"I wish I could die- its soo bad that when I am in a car, I hope the one behind crashes into mine. I find myself fantasising of that moment when I am just dying, and I can feel life draining out of me, and it just seems blissful. But it is not easy. I wish I could erase myself like some white wash, replace myself with something nothing like me- so no one has to suffer the shame of my suicide. I wish I could hold on and have dreams like I did before but everyday seems like pointless suffering, I work hard but i do not Ill be alive for more than 5 years. I tell people who id like to marry, how many kids I want and where I want to be in my career. But I hate existing and I wake up every day disappointed I did not die in my sleep and I have to put on fake smiles and show fake faith in myself and every one around me trying to convince them I am someone with a meaningful life. I do not know who I am anymore and i hate whatever this thing I am now. Why do i have to live?",Suicidal +19629,"I am diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, and things were really looking up after being diagnosed a year and a half ago. Recently I have become aware of just how deeply it affects my life on a day-to-day basis, and I guess I am struggling accepting that part of myself. It does not help that I have had this premonition (I get premonitions a lot, and I know how it sounds, but they are actually very spot on) of the year 23 since 2016. I always felt it as an end, an end to what I could see anyhow, so I was not sure what it really meant. I turned 23 in August last year and it is been a pretty tense year, I have been scared of big trucks (bc that is how I am going to go) but I knew I would /know/ when the time came... well... yesterday it did... a week from now, I just feel it. And all the things that have stopped me before when I have been suicidal are either solved or do not bother me anymore. So I am just trying to figure out what to do in the meantime? I have considered going to the ER and ask for help, but I do not know what to tell them.. that I know I am going to die in a week? it sounds stupid...But I really feel no need to live any longer, I am happy with the life I have lived, and I feel like it is just the end of the road for me.do not know if anyone here can relate at all, or have any advice, but I really just wanted to tell someone. I do not really want to die, but have foretold my own death for years and it is one week off",Suicidal +19630,"that is basically my entire life! Very few pieces of dust I can actually grasp on to, and its all fleeting anyway. I am not necessarily depressed in the most classic sense, I am just so fucking bored.... everythings the same almost every day. Its just fuckin exhausting, the monotony. Same thing literally every day, especially at work. Homes the same. Drive home is the same. I would say my day off is the same, but I do not have one. Workin every fucking day, 7 days a week, all night shift. I genuinely asked my madre about 50 minutes ago if she wanted to rent a dope sports car and Thelma and Louise it right into the Grand Canyon. she is not exactly there yet, but my god would I love to go for it. Ill never make it, of course m, but it would be a nice way to check out. Slamming hard as hell into the other side of the canyon if I make it that far. Hopefully I am next. let us fucking explode together!!! Nihilism! Nothing matters!",Suicidal +19631,I had a crazy few days where I feel like I cannot win then I just opened a cherry jolly rancher and it dropped on the floor of the car then I looked in the pack and realized that was the last cherry one and it was just a down moment that summed up a series of tough moments and I felt like ok I get it this is my Ls I got to take in sequence and then I turned my iPhone light in and realized a watermelon was a cherry so I got one blessings to you all its always there you just got to find it I have been going through it but think I see a way out,Depression +19632,"you are just as worthless as I am. I truly sincerely hope you are there, between the clouds so you can hear what I am telling you. Fuck you. Honestly god, if you exist, go fuck yourself",Suicidal +19633,"You know what makes me feel even more worse ? The fact that my best friend I venting to me, and I am trying my best to comfort her, but then I do not know how to help her anymore, what to say anymore, and what to do. It makes me sad, because maybe if I would be better at comforting, maybe she would feel better, but I just do not know how anymore, she is at this point where she just wants to end the pain, or just wants to vent but then I cannot help her it makes me feel useless and disappointing. The worst feeling for me",Depression +19634,"*What triggered me*Today I found out that the father of my ex best friends died. I was shocked and sad even tho I am not friends with them anymore I still feel bad for them. In the last few months I thought about what would I do if something happened to my parents-well probably die right after. The reality hit me like a truck with the death of their father, which showed me the reality. I am basically living for my parents, this would be terrifying to me because besides them no one cares about me, and I do not have anyone else who I care about. I am now 18 years old and horrified of life, the main thing why is because I cannot live with myself. I just hate myself so much that I cannot participate in any hobbies or do stuff I need to do to live a good life- I just feel empty but also guilty because not everyone has privileges that I do. I do not want to be myself, I never wanted to be. I am a MDDer, because of that I do not live in the real world but escape into my fantasies. Instead of doing this shit which does not do anything for anyone, I should sacrifice myself for others, go work and be helpful- maybe not like Ghandi or mother Teresa- but a similar kind of helpful. I am not going to live for myself: I do not want a family(husband/wife), kids, partners and friends-I have to live for others(the general society), someone has to *Why I hate myself*(My monolog is not structured, I jumped from one thought to another)it is long and probably not worth your time but here it goes: I hate how empty I am, how I always say the wrong things and always care about the wrong people. I have managed to make people hate me who actually liked me in the beginning. There is no such thing in me that I would call *The self*, I do not even have a persona/ social mask. I am not a person, just a vessel filled with contradicting emotions- I am empty, without an identity even tho I have searched for it my whole teenage life. I never had ambitions nor future plans besides killing myself when I am 18 (In my dreams I did have ideas for the future but I saw them as unreachable and gaved them up, leaving them in my head instead of making them reality ).. well technically I am *dead* inside now. I cannot cry or shout at someone else but I was always the one who was shouted at- they were right I am a piece of shit I am not going to lie and pretend otherwise but it still hurts because I am trying to be good but always do something wrong,I am so fucking stupid and pathetic, I am a bad person naturally and suck at even being a decent person. I felt so guilty because of my behaviour that I did not went to school for about 6 months, made a lot of trouble etc. and all that just so I could punish myself and provoke myself to finally attempt suicide. Obviously no one knows that and they also do not care. You know what is also fucking gross about me,its going to be embarrassing but in my teenage years (12-16/17) I was unhealthy obsessed with love. I am not a person that has a lot of crushes, I have had just a few, three to be more specific. I hate myself for that but my obsessive behaviour was disgusting and embarrassing. Basically I always had a long crush on someone, the longest was for about three years. Instead of doing what most do, going to your crush after idk one month asking them out or befriending them, I stalked them on social media etc. which seems fine to most, but I also tried to meet this person in town and purposefully went where I thought they might be. Next to that I was in a delsuion that this person will rescue me. You see shit like that in skins as example where the infamous effy had two guys trying to help her and ""rescue"" her. I was not inspired by movies or shows, its more like that this unhealthy attachment stamps from everyone hating or ignoring me, that is why I assumed that this person could save me from my normal life. This particular person was the only one who cared even tho I was not friends with them. Heck, my friends cared less about me than this person who seemed genuinely concerned about me. I did not like the person at first and did not even bother to be friendly with them but after seeing how they cared I could not resist and developed feelings, I started to crave for this persons attention and love. I was (and partly still am) to some extend obsessed with my emotions which made (makes) me behave like an narcissist ( maybe I am one). My emotions ruled my life, nothing mattered but this person, because in my eyes I *loved* them, this *love* filled the void that my self hatred created. I wanted so badly that they rescue me from this life. that is where my obsession came from. I hate my personality, and I also happened to be ugly and dumb lol such a waste of air. Yes I am a plain Jane, I hope I will look better, because even tho I am empty inside, but if my vessel ever becomes pretty than people will not annoy me(negative harrassment like bullying) anymore. And the *dumb part* is self explanatory. There is a lot more but I am way too lazy to write that down now, I will edit this post if something new comes to my mind.btw . I am so sorry for my English, I am not a native speakeredit: typos I hate myself",Depression +19635,"I really thought about ending it all today but I did not know how. People are telling me things will get better but I do not believe them. I cannot do this anymore. I need to not be here. Please, anyone talk me out of this. Help me please",Suicidal +19636,"*What triggered me*Today I found out that the father of my ex best friends died. I was shocked and sad even tho I am not friends with them anymore I still feel bad for them. In the last few months I thought about what would I do if something happened to my parents-well probably die right after. The reality hit me like a truck with the death of their father, which showed me the reality. I am basically living for my parents, this would be terrifying to me because besides them no one cares about me, and I do not have anyone else who I care about. I am now 18 years old and horrified of life, the main thing why is because I cannot live with myself. I just hate myself so much that I cannot participate in any hobbies or do stuff I need to do to live a good life- I just feel empty but also guilty because not everyone has privileges that I do. I do not want to be myself, I never wanted to be. I am a MDDer, because of that I do not live in the real world but escape into my fantasies. Instead of doing this shit which does not do anything for anyone, I should sacrifice myself for others, go work and be helpful- maybe not like Ghandi or mother Teresa- but a similar kind of helpful. I am not going to live for myself: I do not want a family(husband/wife), kids, partners and friends-I have to live for others(the general society), someone has to *Why I hate myself*(My monolog is not structured, I jumped from one thought to another)it is long and probably not worth your time but here it goes: I hate how empty I am, how I always say the wrong things and always care about the wrong people. I have managed to make people hate me who actually liked me in the beginning. There is no such thing in me that I would call *The self*, I do not even have a persona/ social mask. I am not a person, just a vessel filled with contradicting emotions- I am empty, without an identity even tho I have searched for it my whole teenage life. I never had ambitions nor future plans besides killing myself when I am 18 (In my dreams I did have ideas for the future but I saw them as unreachable and gaved them up, leaving them in my head instead of making them reality ).. well technically I am *dead* inside now. I cannot cry or shout at someone else but I was always the one who was shouted at- they were right I am a piece of shit I am not going to lie and pretend otherwise but it still hurts because I am trying to be good but always do something wrong,I am so fucking stupid and pathetic, I am a bad person naturally and suck at even being a decent person. I felt so guilty because of my behaviour that I did not went to school for about 6 months, made a lot of trouble etc. and all that just so I could punish myself and provoke myself to finally attempt suicide. Obviously no one knows that and they also do not care. You know what is also fucking gross about me,its going to be embarrassing but in my teenage years (12-16/17) I was unhealthy obsessed with love. I am not a person that has a lot of crushes, I have had just a few, three to be more specific. I hate myself for that but my obsessive behaviour was disgusting and embarrassing. Basically I always had a long crush on someone, the longest was for about three years. Instead of doing what most do, going to your crush after idk one month asking them out or befriending them, I stalked them on social media etc. which seems fine to most, but I also tried to meet this person in town and purposefully went where I thought they might be. Next to that I was in a delsuion that this person will rescue me. You see shit like that in skins as example where the infamous effy had two guys trying to help her and ""rescue"" her. I was not inspired by movies or shows, its more like that this unhealthy attachment stamps from everyone hating or ignoring me, that is why I assumed that this person could save me from my normal life. This particular person was the only one who cared even tho I was not friends with them. Heck, my friends cared less about me than this person who seemed genuinely concerned about me. I did not like the person at first and did not even bother to be friendly with them but after seeing how they cared I could not resist and developed feelings, I started to crave for this persons attention and love. I was (and partly still am) to some extend obsessed with my emotions which made (makes) me behave like an narcissist ( maybe I am one). My emotions ruled my life, nothing mattered but this person, because in my eyes I *loved* them, this *love* filled the void that my self hatred created. I wanted so badly that they rescue me from this life. that is where my obsession came from. I hate my personality, and I also happened to be ugly and dumb lol such a waste of air. Yes I am a plain Jane, I hope I will look better, because even tho I am empty inside, but if my vessel ever becomes pretty than people will not annoy me(negative harrassment like bullying) anymore. And the *dumb part* is self explanatory. There is a lot more but I am way too lazy to write that down now, I will edit this post if something new comes to my mind.btw . I am so sorry for my English, I am not a native speakeredit: typos Vent: I hate myself- I take any kind",Depression +19637,just want one good friend.someone to hangout with.someone to share memes with.someone to play games with.someone to go to the movies with.someone to talk to when I am down. someone to meetup with. someone to call friend a friend,Depression +19638,"I just turned 16, I have already lost my sense of accomplishment, regressed socially, gotten sadder, and I am loosing hope for my future if I ever have one. I keep getting upset over the smallest things, I tell my family how I feel but they do not know how to help, I am switching medication every other week to treat anxiety, I cannot ever focus on the positive, I am always miserable, the first thing people think of me is that I am depressed, afraid to talk, or is just weird, whenever anyone says anything positive about me I never believe it even if I want to, and life is a 5/10 even thought my family is good, house is good, school is good, the few friends I have are good, but everything is just terrible. Why is life so mean to me Everything is ok or bad in my life",Depression +19639,"Hey guys. I have basically been in a super stressful, bad situation at work- which is quite a stressful job in itself (would go into details but cannot bring myself to and also do not want to bore everybody) for the last 5 months now. I was- or thought I was- dealing with everything okay until fairly recently when I have realised I have fully moved into depression and suicidal thoughts. I cannot believe how often I have willed myself to sleep forever and never wake up- or just wish I did not have friends and family and a boyfriend I loved that I feel are preventing me ending it all. I feel so so so empty. I just want to go away for such a long time- and I have felt like this for a few months now and did not realise what this feeling actually was until now. I do not really know why I am posting other than for solidarity and to thank you for this community that I have stumbled across and am already grateful for. For all of us- I hope it gets better. This is new to me",Depression +19640,cannot even off myself which makes it worse. Trapped in suffering. I just wish I could be ending it instead of having to feel what I am feeling right now. Please can I be in an accident tomorrow Unbearable pain rn,Suicidal +19641,"Hey guys, I (M31) have been depressed as long as I can remember, but realized it just 7 years ago. Until then I thought everybody must feel like this and that I was just weak. Since then I was in therapy 3 times. Had panic attacks and 2 burn outs. I feel miserable most of the time and have suicidal thoughts every few weeks. When I started therapy for the first time, I felt really great afterwards and I thought ""Great, that is it. I have the positive thinking in place and can move on with my life."" That was at the end of university. I also met my girlfriend at this time and was as happy as never before in my life.I started with a lot of energy into my first job in a small company and worked my way up from technician to a management position within 2 years.At the end I was under constant tension and my stomach hurt all the time. I thought a raise would give me the motivation to keep on going. But I quit the day after I got a 20% raise, because I realized that I did not feel anything changing in this moment. I went to the doctor, because I felt miserable and he told me, I had a burnout. I was sick for a month and could almost only lie in bed and do nothing else.After this has happened, I started a therapy again for a few months. Fast forward 3 years. I try not to overwork myself, but I am in a constant spiral of being angry, feeling miserable, feeling weak/overworked and wanting to quit whatever I am doing, I often just wish to disappear. My relationship is suffering a lot from this, because I can not see any perspective to lead a normal life, if I keep on breaking down every 6 months.My father had a stroke, a few weeks ago and died after 10 days in the hospital where I visited him every day. When I heard about his stroke, I was worried of course, but at the same time I suddenly had energy, focus and the will to change things in my life. I wanted to learn from his mistakes. This held for a few weeks. A few weeks have passed since the funeral and I feel as miserable as before. It feels strange that I actually felt so good when there was an actual reason to feel bad.Since my last breakdown, I started to mistrust my judgemental skills. This constant rollercoaster of feelings really freaks me out. I want to have children with my girlfriend in a few years, but I am so scared to just not be able to provide for a family or be a bad parent with this condition.I just made an appointment to apply for another therapy, but I actually lost hope that anything is ever going to help. There would be so many more details to tell about that do not fit into this thread.Has anybody actually defeated depression or is it going to be a constant battle for the rest of my life? I am just so tired. I do not know how to go on with my life",Depression +19642,"28M.It has been a long time since I have felt down in the dumps, not wanting to do anything, dreading the moment my alarm wakes me up...I cannot say that my life is terrible, I have a job , a flat, ,I am physically healthy and even if they live far away, I have a couple of friends with whom I speak sometimes, but they are the only people outside of work I talk to.However, I hate everything that I have done for the past 14 years, I regret all the opportunities that I have missed, they spin in my head everytime I close my eyes, I hate having to watch myself in a mirror as I know I be the only one who cares anyway.I hate the man that I have become.Lately, I have been thinking about ending my life, not having to wake up, to fake smiling to the few people I get to see, and this is the only moment when I genuinely feel some kind of the weirdest happiness. The thought of not having to wake up makes me happy",Suicidal +19643,I only did my best. Apparently my best is not worthy enough for me to live on. I am better off dead. I do not know what I did wrong to deserve this life.,Depression +19644,"I have realized that my depression does not come from fear of being alone and does not come for fear of not having a future.I have friends, I have a solid career path, I get girls occasionally. I have everything I would want.The problem is I am not satisfied with anything.I cannot be satisfied with my career unless I am making more money than anyone I know.I cannot be satisfied with my friends unless I have more than anyone else.I cannot be satisfied with a woman unless she is my sole mate.I literally am ruining my own life because I cannot figure out how to just settle. I am absolutely terrified of settling",Depression +19645,"Before the pandemic I was barely keeping life in my grip. My head just above water financially, sort of a social circle, some hobbies, a job, dates, a car.After the pandemic I have lost my grip. My head is underwater. I have no social circle. No hobbies. No job. No dates. And almost no car.And to top it off, I am completely jacked in the head anymore over this. I have developed the severe anxiety. My depression has gone through the floor. I have no support system. Family does not talk to me. I do not know what to do I cannot keep a grip.I do not care what anybody says we are not in this together. I have always felt sort of isolated from people my entire life but now, I do not want to be this isolated from people. I feel like outside of the coronavirus, we are just divided in every way possible and as much as I am misanthropic, I cannot be this disconnected. I do not want to live out the rest of my life this alone.Nobody wants to date anymore. Especially nobody wants to date me. I do not know what the fuck is going on.where is the compassion?For years of my life I have been strong and able to walk through everything but this is impossible I just cannot do it. My head is fucked, thanks covid",Depression +19646,"A person from a trans related subeddit let me know about this place and I just really have to talk about this thing that I do not fully understand myself. I never knew gender dysphoria could because suicidal thoughts before but recently it has come to that. Now more than ever my gender dysphoria is getting more and more overwhelming, I have been self harm free for about six months and its so hard to stop myself from grabbing the lighter and ruining everything.I have never felt this bad before and it hurts so much, every time I look at myself, I see a boy, but everyone else sees a girl. I cannot even come out because my dad would kick me out for much longer than just one night, but it hurts pretending to be something I am not for my family. The only way I can think of getting out of this hellhole is by death, I keep having this dream where I kill myself and I do not know why it just makes me feel happy until I wake up and I realize I am still sucking oxygen. I do not know what to put here",Suicidal +19647,I have a few people i have contact with and idk why but in every group i am just the 3rd wheel that is never getting invited to anything or stuff maybe because I am more of a quiet person but idk it just kind of sucks 3rd wheeling?,Depression +19648,"I was told my depression is quite high. I gathered up courage to tell my family and it did not go well. They called me crazy and that it is the devil's doing. I just wanted comfort... Why cannot they understand that? They have not changed their attitude towards me... I feel myself getting more and more sensitive and technically anything can make me cry now. Last time, I attempted taking 350 mg of Zoloft. Nothing happened. I told my mom but all she said is ""do not ever so it again"" I just want to be comforted.. I just want a hug and someone to tell me they love me... Right now, I am bawling my eyes out.. And I have 19 pills of Zoloft which is 950 mg. I cannot take this anymore. I am going to take them. I wrote this bc I want someone to know how desperate I feel. Ty for reading. I just cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +19649,"I actually took a shower, cleaned my room, folded my clothes, signed up for classes and applied for a Pell grant for college. I know it is normal stuff but I am so proud that I did it today. Baby steps, overcoming my depression everyday If i can do it, you can too Did something today",Depression +19650,"This is the longest I have gone in almost two years. Yes I still felt down sometimes, yes I had bad moments and even bad days, but that month of peace did a lot for me. This time last year I was struggling every single day with my depression, but now its coming up less frequently. Not sure if this is a fluke or the start of something new but either way I am grateful. I went a month without suicidal thoughts",Depression +19651,"it is been a little over a week since I seriously thought about killing myself. And now, 9 days later, I have found out that a group of people I used to call friends have been shit talking me behind my back, calling me ""toxic"" for venting too much and saying I have mental problems. One of them also did not give a shit that I did not kill myself, but was rejoicing that I would decided to leave the app. I fucking hate this planet. Why is everyone so apathetic about mental health issues. No one has any empathy anymore. A week later",Suicidal +19652,Instead I worked a shit minimum wage job in my early 20s while suffering from Depression. I feel like a massive loser for having worked in a minimum wage Job and the regret is still haunting me at 28. A huge source of shame for me is that I did not make it into university,Depression +19653,"I have only been told this a few times in my life, and I do not talk about my major depressive disorder and struggles with anxiety with anyone outside of family and friends. However a few friends have made the hurtful comment on the lines of ""you have a lot of baggage with your mental struggles"".However I wonder if mentally illness is considered baggage, does that mean physical disorders and conditions such as asthma and diabetes count as baggage to some???? If someone struggles with bad acne, or chromes disease, gluten sensitivity, etc are they also being told by some people that their conditions/etc are baggage???I hate the stigma that surrounds mental illness It really hurts to be told your depression is baggage...",Depression +19654,Hello everyone. I am on a path to do another round of interviews for a higher level position at my work. This should have me excited but all I am feeling is depressed. Is this normal or does anyone else relate to something like this happening to them? Positive change in my life has me depressed,Depression +19655,"I found my cat a good home, it fucking hurts, the house feels full of silence and white noise now. everything is slipping away from me, I am losing my grip on reality and all of my relationships feel like they never existed One step closer",Suicidal +19656,"Hey so my best friend is suicidal, and wants to kill her self more than ever, and I do not know what to do to make her feel better or stop her thinking about that, but idk how I do not want to loose her and I know it is not my body but it is my best friend and I just want to help her so please any tips as soon as possible!!!!( i just can help her over text rn ) Please help me helping my best friend as soon as possible !!!!!",Suicidal +19657,Is there anything i can look foward to in the future or anything at all. What kind of things are there to enjoy?,Depression +19658,"I hate when I hear people in tv shows and movies say he/she/they would not have killed themselves, they would not have done this to us. something about that just sounds really selfish i hate",Depression +19659,Someone please help me I am struggling with suicidal thoughts can anyone chat me and help me Guys i need help,Suicidal +19660,"tw for mention of sexual assaulthi all, I am 18 and i have schizoaffective-bipolar disease, currently unmedicated. things have been going okay for me the past few months generally until last month i got into some shit.in early May, i cut off my ex and the friend group that was associated with them because i felt that their lifestyle (constantly doing drugs with no ambitions) was detrimental to me, in addition to just feeling uncomfortable around my ex like that. we dated from January 2020 to June 2020 and we had hooked up a couple times after that earlier this year.a little bit after that happened, they started spreading allegations that i sexually assaulted my ex, or more specifically that i pressured them into giving consent. i really do not know how that happened, i tried to do everything i could to make them comfortable i asked multiple times beforehand, checked in during, and made sure they felt comfortable about all of it afterwards. i was absolutely blindsided by all of this and i still have no idea what happened. i reached out to my ex a couple times asking what happened, if i can help make amends, etc. but i never got a response i was specifically told by one of those ex-friends to leave them alone. (interestingly, said friend is the only person who has been spreading these allegations, though they are clearly still close with my ex).which i guess brings me here. i feel like the worst person in the world over a situation where i do not even know what i did wrong or how i can make amends. i feel like i truly do not deserve to live i feel like if i killed myself it would give everyone some closure. I have always had mood problems and this just intensified it, along with a lot of other shitty things happening in my life right now. i do not know what to do and i do not know how i can continue on with my life knowing the pain that i have caused. situation with ex/ex-friends intensified my depression need support/help/advice/something",Depression +19661,">If its too long do not read .Ok this is so lame and desparate sounding. but I have some questions which I do not want to keep asking or to be thinking and wondering when I start to get better with my ocd. I have two Questions. Anyone who can give a good answer thanks. Not just what I want to hear. But the truth. Because I am not planning on asking these questions ever again. And I want to know the real consequences of this sin. Its really important since it was singled out and I really want sound bible advice on this sin and the punishments if you know it . First on the blasphemy of The Holy Ghost. I did it like 5 months ago out of bitterness for my life. > >And as paul in the bible said that because many were bitter many be came defiled I think that is what he said. So when I realized I was angry at my life and was trying to do better. And I was not done with some habits I tried to promise God TO quit. I still had no real joy in my life and I promised to give up things I loved. Like certain music and foods. Also I was not very nice. Because I loved my family. But they like other things because of their judgements and the things they say to me, I tried to protect myself. So it could have both been bitterness and like ptsd and trying to avoid them and being tough and walking with a hard look and a stump so they would not feel comfortable enough to try to speak to me. > >Just to say some messed up useless stuff. which is harder for me to get over. Mainly because I do not have any real friends or people who just like me. Only my siblings and parents. I have depended on them for a lot and that was where I went wrong. Trying to make them love things about me they just hated, and they basically shuned me. For an example this may be tmi. But just to show some sick stuff my dad has bullied me about. Once I had a pad. For periods. And you know not to flush them. > >So instead of like my mom she wraps it in the paper and puts it in a bag so it will not leak or anything and so you cannot see it in the trash. Now I was feeling bad and did not want to get one. So I got like basically the whole roll of tissue and wraped my pad in it. Now like in the next thirty mintues my dad was wodering where all the tissue went and freaking out. And he decided to look through the trash because he was trying to firgure out why it was all gone. And found a wad of tissue and then when seeing there was a pad init or it was bleeding through and then he like came out and asked if it was me. > >Then I said yeah that is mine. He said it was disgusting and that he did not want to see that. And then he grabbed me by the arm and like brang me in their mom and dads room and yelled at me. And like said it was gross and nasty and I looked at my mom and she was like what ever I am tired of you, and then he ask what was wrong with my hair and I said my hair is fine. Then he got a mirror and was mockingly like does this look done and laughing. Then he said Id be shocked if I saw you in heaven. Over a pad with blood that he went looking for in the trash. > >Think he went and dug through the trash looking for shit. that is like me going and putting my hand in the toliet and finding shit and being shocked what did you expect you was going to find doing that. So that is just a taste of what he does. Trust me I do not always complain about every minor inconvenience. Then I do not want to be ew because God is God and can say what he wants. But I have an older sister she is 24 and is kidna fast and she was a teen mom. And I kind of judged her tho I was only jealous of her because dad loved her so much. Like anytime my sister would come around Id love seeing her and my niece. > >More then all my siblings and mom. she is my half sister by the way/ only one who loved seeing her more was my dad. So that being said I still was jealous of her and it totally was not her fault. Now all this shit was in my head and I was bitter. and I kind of would take it out on my siblings not out loud but in my head. and I was angry at GOD AND MY FAMILY FOR WEEKS BLASPHEMYING AND STUFF BEING RUDE. And I decide to read the bible and then he had like passages for me cuz I blaspheymed and was trying so hard to be good. And then the bible had a passage about the virgins in israel doing a very horrible thing and saying as if it were a little thing they were more defiled then everyone idk. > >But also it had one about ahloa and her sister and I knew that was for me tho I am not a whore. It was like this is the sins of your sister. And my golly that were totally describing my sister being a little fast eatting a lot and being pridful and kind of selfish. But then he said init she is better then you. Like it said your sister is like in all she has done better then you, and for that momment it was like a badly written sitcom. You know like where the sad and depressed one keeps trying to show their good and better. > >And the other is care free and happy and does not care as much but some how ends up better then you and that is how this is God tried to paint me out to be this evil and envious person which sometimes I am. So that brings me to these questins like in my other post I do not like suprises I like to know things so I do not have to worry about them. I sont mind being told no I am not peter. But thinking your going to do or get something and then not is like not very good, and I know you guys are so much more wiser then me and read the Bible more and listen so this is the question , this maraggie supper of the lamb is said only blessed are those which are called. > >And I hate being left out of stuff. Tho my dad says some in heaven will not go, now like saul when he was rejected from being king because of his disobediecne. I just wanted to know since I called the holy ghost evil and also I um publicly tried to slander him in a sneaky way online if you look at my other post you will see.. Dose that hurt my chances like is there any bible verse to back this thought of mine up just asking. And that last one is as you all know this see I read something about like in the greek bible translation it was a novum testamentum graece and it said I do always let go the sons of men the sins and the blasphemy as much as it is blasphemyed but he who blasphemys against the Holy Ghost has not let go but is guilty of an eternal sin. > >So I also do not really want eteranal guilt so those are the only two questions thanks. Sadness",Depression +19662,"I am going to go out and buy a 12 gauge shotgun and a box of buckshot. I have got no criminal record whatsoever, so the background check will come back clean. If anyone asks, the shotgun is for self-defense, and in Oregon that should not raise any questions. Once I have got the gun, I am going to drive out into the middle of nowhere, Ill text a family member my coordinates, load the shotgun, put the barrel in my mouth at about a 45 degree angle (to blow out my medulla oblongata), then pull the trigger. It should be at least five minutes until an ambulance arrives, long enough for me to bleed out if I do not die immediately. I do not plan on leaving a will behind or settling affairs beforehand because I will not be around to feel the aftershocks. Got an exit plan that I hope I can go through with",Suicidal +19663,I am so tired I am falling behind in everything wasting all my time doing pointless shit to waste time. I feel like everyone hates to be around me. Its so hard to get up to do anything. I am always so hungry tired and feeling not great. I am missing deadlines for important things that I cannot care less for. I feel so miserable and just want a way out. Each day is getting harder and I am losing more and more of my hope. I keep thinking of hurting myself. I hate this all and feel so immature .,Suicidal +19664,"I want to DIE and I barely have a good reason why does no one respond to me did I fucking do something wrong??? I have absolutely no clue no matter even if I ask they will never tell me so maybe trying to make plans then refusing to reply to the am I seeing you today?? Text is such a dick move, JUST SAY NO SO I COULD FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO RATHER THAN SITTING AROUND AND HOLDING MY BREATH TO WAIT FOR A FRIEND WHO cannot EVEN ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTIONIm tired of people I am tored of everything I just want to be fucking hugged and i do not know what I did so wrong to be not allowed that I want to die I want to die",Suicidal +19665,I finally was going to take the steps in an attempt to improve my mental health by admitting myself to an intensive outpatient program for a few weeks. It would have been 5 days per week from 9-3pm. I have my therapist and doctor send in the referral information for me just to be told that the program would cost me $189 per day. So thank you mental health care system and to my insurance company for screwing me over. Thank you mental health care system *sarcasm*,Depression +19666,"I am stuck in an unproductive loop. There were days when I really enjoyed my hobby but now ... it feels like I am forcing it. I feel like if accomplish something it would not even matter because I will die anyway. Nature is cruel. We are forced into this world just to suffer and die. Anything we do does not matter. I think it is so sad. I have become a shut-in and I stopped leaving my house. Nothing gives me happiness anymore and forcing a hobby just does not feel right. I wake up, take some pills, sleep for 6 hours, wake up at night and watch the moon while I await my death. Is accomplishing anything even worth it?",Depression +19667,"Turned in two work pieces for my freelance job. The eat dessert first strategy actually worked, breakfast, coffee, 25 min Xbox, then the gym and then work, course its a great luxury to have an open schedule like that. Defeated amotivated torpor today",Depression +19668,"Those memories are left behind, though still holding on to me. Making me unable to feel. I just feel the loneliness and coldness in my heart. I did not and will not get a single chance about life experiences. I only wished to be happy but even that is too much for me. Darker days are getting closer every single second. Am i going to be able to find the thing to fill and warm my heart? Lost In The Abyss",Depression +19669,Even though I have had great exam results and have everything I could ask for I have never felt so unhappy in my life and its getting to me so much I just need advice or encouragement of some kind it just is not getting any better. Everything in my life is going very well but I am severely depressed for some reason,Depression +19670,"I just had enough of seeing myself being bad at things,everything i am trying or have an interest in it,even though i am trying i just suck at it,i tried to be an esports player,but i suck at video games,but i have hundreds of hours in games,i am just bad,i tried drawing on pc,i am literally crying at how bad i am at it right now,that is just some things out of the 100,I JUST HAD ENOUGH,WHY DO I FAIL AT EVERYTHING,IN EVERY PART OF MY LIFE??(i am talking qbout realtionships etc as well) Why do i suck at everything",Depression +19671,"I am in my forties. I live in constant physical and emotional pain. I would very much like to stop feeling, and just disappear.From a self-serving perspective, death is the only choice that makes any sense, even if the idea of the dying process frightens me to no end.But I have kids.I have two kids, and they need their dad. As much as I may be compromised and broken, I am still better than no dad. Me alive and present in their lives is definitely better than the memory of a dad who decided to leave you behind forever. I refuse to inflict that pain on my children.My silent sacrifice is choosing to live - in pain, without hope of relief, and doing it anyway.Anyone else in this boat? Cannot live, cannot die",Suicidal +19672,I want to jsut talk to someone or something i do not even know what i want anyomore Its one of those nights,Depression +19673,"I am living in a shitty dictatorial country.there is poverty. there is a tyrant who makes our life harder and ruins our country. in here everybody is ignorant and they think that their country is strong. but its completely a usa mandate. this country is becoming a middle east country day by day.there is an economic crisis and i cannot even say the dictators name. i have no future because i cannot go to europe. I am 17 years old, there is a university exam after 11 months but i do not have a reason to study. Because exam questions are getting by a secret service(supported by usa) they know all of the questions and they are going to the best universities, they are being promoted in the army and they are attempting to coup.all europe hates this country and they especially do not want us.i do not think i will live much( i think i will die to sadness) but if i cannot suicide ( attempted 4 times since 2018) i will run to a forest and i will live there. Maybe a bear hurts me but its better feel pain for once.I do not know why tourists visit this hell hole.. in here, people barely appease themselves. Everywhere is syrians, afghans and etc.. Before 2017, i had a chance to leave this country by entering to the highschool in turkey. If i could enter to this highschool, i could go to france but now i cannot. You europeans are too lucky, your 300euro equals to a monthly salary( have a job, requires luck).And overall, if i would live in a unproblematic country then existential crisis would be appeared. Because i have no reason to live. Why i cannot kill myself i really do not know. I am not that different from stray dogs. no future no reason to live",Suicidal +19674,"I have been reading the note my uncle gave me over and over, almost compulsively. I keep thinking and wondering, ""Why do I still feel so miserable, even after going to therapy?"" I asked for help, and help I received. Most of my friends know, it takes a long time for me to trust people. My mother left me, came back, left, came back and basically destroyed my view of a family. I lost my therapist recently, I feel so abandoned... So I got to thinking, I have been trying for 3 years to get better and stop attempting suicide. Everyone knows the saying, 'How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to *want to change.'* I think I am preventing myself from getting better. I feel like nothing has changed. I still go to sleep praying I never wake up. I still cry myself to sleep trying to manage my spiraling emotions. But, at least I stopped cutting myself every night. Or seeing how many pills I can fit into my mouth like its a fucking challenge. I am trying!I am stuck in a rut and I am running back and fourth. I want to fucking ***die***. I want to die!I wish I had the guts to try it again, knowing I am probably going to live. I want to die...People do not trust me. People do not love me. People do not care. I was so fucking sad and felt so abandoned, I tried to kill myself. Who cared? My mom, dad, and uncle. that is it. Maybe if I died I would be better off. Thanks for reading. Why do I keep trying...?",Suicidal +19675,"Hi everybody! I have Big depression because of my Crush, we know very long and we are coming well. I would give her everything, but I am afraid of refusing. Every moment I think about her and I do not know smash her from my head or per minute I think it does not even see it, as I am famous for I have everyone I want. She would not even think of it. Last evenings I only drink and I think of it with tears. When I was young and found how my mate works in my pants so I knew fucked for a week 4 girls and her friends. But then it was just out of my crap. I am very sorry about the past and I would like to recover. Many shrub I dream was alone but I could not tell her when we looked at each other. Crush",Depression +19676,"Thinking back, my life was always disaster. I lost my dad when I was young, being raise up by mom who struggled with terrible depression and anxiety and her own abusive mother, constantly thinking what the hell I am doing in this world. I remember thinking that I will give anything for my life being just slightly better - not fine, not in order, just a little light in the dark. Years passed and I am in much better point that I ever was - I managed to step back from most of my shitty family, managed to have some career (it is really nothing at all but it is something to keep me far away from poverty and that is really more than enough), even have a girlfriend which is weird because I hate intimacy (actually I am pretty sure I am asexual but that is another thing) but she is has its own problems and we somehow could balance everything and move on. I think? Looks pretty good? Well, maybe. Thing is, I am a black hole, big fucking black hole that is just sucking up everything positive that is coming to me and turn it into vapor. Back in my ""horrible"" days I could cry, scream and put some video game or series on and managed to put my brain into escape-mode. I cannot do that anymore. Nothing, nothing in the slightest gives me joy, everything that comes from mouths of other people is just mumble for me, I do not fucking care about nearly anything. I care about my girlfriend but it takes 9.0 magnitude brain quake to do slightest thing and I am so tired after anything that I wish I could take a brake for this world for a month (or eternity).I was trying to convince myself that I am just in bad luck. Maybe my job is just fucking mess (and ones before that too, how convenient) etc, one day I will change it and everything will be fine. Well, nope. it is just downward spiral. I cannot find way back. I am useless, no matter what anyone think. I cannot learn anything. I cannot speak my thoughts. I cannot stop my thoughts. I cannot cry anymore. Once upon a time... I felt horrible all the time. Now I do not feel anything at all. And that is horrible",Depression +19677,I think they need to prioritize and move on. I waste all my time wishing i knew what I did to deserve this. I cannot recall feeling anything except for pain. Another aggressive harassing message from a stranger,Depression +19678,So. I have decided that i am going to do it. Being alive no more purpose to me. I do not want to be here anymore.But i do not want to hurt people. So i am going to do it slow without them knowing. I am going to start drinking 20 cans monster a day. This way i will get a hearth atack in about 1 or 2 weeks. And people will think it was bcs of that. And not suicide. Sorry going to kill myself.,Suicidal +19679,"Okay so, since I was young, I love coffee. I however did not drink too much of it as it is unhealthy to drink too much at a young age.I have or at least had depression. Around 2019-2020 it was a lot worse. However it has gotten better. I do still have bad days tho.One thing that did change is that since quarantine I drank coffee everyday. I do not know how much if it is due to my coffee intake. I can usually still sleep even with coffee (especially if I slept late the night before).I do not really know if coffee is making it better in anyway as coffee is a mood booster. (Also P.S if anyone asks I do not drink coffee because of it making my mood boost. I drink it manly for taste) Coffee",Depression +19680,last night i thought of putting a blade to my writs I am dislexic distracix and I am 13 my mom is very mentally abusive she calls me fat and stupid like (really that much or like oh my god you fing idiot) she dosent know it thow and I am scared to tell her because she might hurt me like this one time she beat with a belt because i got a d on a math quiz I am scared i only have my sister to talk to thow she lives with us so no runing away to her if that time comes what do i do. My mom and sister are tearing the family apart!,Suicidal +19681,My life 1 year ago was completely different. I was such a chick magnet and everyone loved me i had so many friends and in this past year i lost everything. I have no friends so when i feel sad i do not have anyone to lean on or talk to. Being a male with depression is extremely hard bc if you speak about your feelings you are considered weak. All i want is for someone to love me even a family member but no one cares about me. It makes me feel worthless and i do not want to do this no more. I have a pistol now and every night i play with it just thinking about what would happen if i pulled the trigger. An extremely big part of me wants to die but i do not want to hurt anyone who cares about me. I have been dead inside for so long and no one seems to care but as soon as i actually die everyone will care. I seriously do not know what i did to deserve all this i do not know why I am put through this. If i could take a look into my future for 10 years and if i saw id be this way for that long i would no doubt kms. I tried a counselor but they are just someone who fake cares and they never helped me. I feel so alone and lonely it weighs me down. If only i had one friend that truly cared about me it would mean the world but no one does. What happened to me,Suicidal +19682,"I am having a hard time with strangers, how they take their aggression out on me while posing as people who I should care about, and no one cares so its been many years of this, they do not even think twice and its so pathetic. So pathetic",Suicidal +19683,I remember all the most painful moments. it is eating me away.I feel like I was half-wild as a child and on top of that I had to endure life full of embarrassment.Existence is a curse. I hate it here. I cannot stop cringing at my past,Depression +19684,cannot wait to fucking not be such a pussy and kill myself my stupid self-sabotaging ass. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself!!!!!!!!my avoidance gets me nowhere. i reach out and went help is offered to me i fuck up.... i end up fucking up so badly... my opportunities shattered. beyond humiliating. when will it be over? when cannot i just kill myself already? I am beyond being a fucking burden stupid,Suicidal +19685,"I am feeling very mentally unstable and like I need to go somewhere for a week or so for some hardcore therapy and maybe rediagnosis or meds adjustment. Can you even get into an inpatient program if you are not suicidal or addicted to substances? I drink a little more than the average person but not to the point where it interferes with my life. I am on meds and see a therapist for ADHD and depression. I have no experience with this kind of stuff and do not know if there is a rehab situation for me or what that the long-term consequences would be. Money is a worry, as is impact to my job and marriage, but I guess overall just wondering if this is even a thing and if anyones been through it and what its like. Professional married adult person, if that matters. Thank you. Not suicidal but not necessarily sane rn, either - What are my options?",Depression +19686,I am so annoyed by everything and anyone. i hate that i have a future to plan. that i have to live. that i have go to college. i just do not want to do anything at all. id rather just sleep all day. annoying,Depression +19687,"I just want to get it over with but I am too much of a pathetic coward to go through with it.I do not want to do it in my house because I do not want to subject my family to such a traumatizing thing, but I am too scared to leave my house.I am literally the most pathetic person alive. There is fucking nothing here for me I hate this world. I do not want help I just wanted to get this off my chest I am already dead",Suicidal +19688,I have been treated worse by mental health care workers than by anyone else in healthcare. So many leeches who would not give a shit if I put a bullet in my head tomorrow. I am almost $1000 in debt and they do not even pick up the phones for me to start paying. Office staff tend to be rude and uncaring and its almost $100 for a phone call that lasts less than 5 minutes. Why even go into mental health when you do not like dealing with mentally ill people? Id rather be dead than keep jumping through the hoops of mental health professionals,Suicidal +19689,"I have tried some combination of therapy and prescriptions for near 2 years. Therapy did nothing. I tried 3 or 4 people, and it was always more stress than it was worth, so I stopped trying. I have been on a variety of different prescriptions and dosages, and some have had an effect. I remember times it felt like I was doing better, but that never lasted more than a week or so. The side effects are always something between tolerable and terrible. Its hard to believe I can get better when I have tried so many things without much improvement. I am definitely better than when I started but I am nowhere near a normal, functional human. How do you keep living like this? I am afraid I will not find a treatment that works",Depression +19690,"I am afraid of making interaction with people. From 2015-17 I distant myself from everyone. I think it was that time that I developed this fear. In '18 I had to leave my she will and leave my home town for Uni and It was okay. I had some close friends with me so I somehow made it and over the past 2 years I also made some new friends. But then the pandemic hit and I came back to my home. Once again I distended myself from everyone but this time involuntary. I did not notice how this was affecting me. I was always afraid of new people but now I think the fear has grown inside me. Now I am even afraid of interacting with the few close friends that I have. When I am with them I feel that I am doing something wrong that I am acting weird that I will messed things up and as a result I became afraid. Thanks to online class my graduation is almost complete but I do not think I am ready for what is coming. I do not think I can go out and meet with new people anymore. Now a days I am afraid of everyone and everything. How to stop this? How can I get rid of these fears? How can I be normal? [P.S. English is not my first language, so if there is any mistakes please ignore them.] How to interact with others?",Depression +19691,"How can I value anything knowing that? I could take my life rn and then everything would be over, nothing would matter. I do not care about life and the only reason I am here is bc I am afraid to die lol. Its better than nothing but it will always be a lie to go on. Bc I do not feel anything, I should have let go awhile ago but I stopped myself.So now I am fucking stuck here, surrounded by nothing and destined for literal nothing. Its fucked Id be so easy to die",Depression +19692,Since I cannot find a way to end it all I am going to say thisFock Neighborhood Nip. Nip.seeey Husssle. Lol got Nipped. When he got kicked that made me laugh. Fock K.ing V..on fock F.bg. duck... now come get me I am in Savannah. I am going to say this and I want someone to do something about it,Depression +19693,"I have no motivation to do things after work or on weekends anymore. Whenever I get home from work, the next work day cannot come quick enough. Whenever the weekend starts, I cannot wait for it to finish.I use to hate work and look forward to free time. But I have found a job I like and it seems to have shown me how much I dislike my personal life/free time. Talking to friends helps, but I cannot take all of their free time up. How do I enjoy going to work and look forward to coming home? I look forward to work because it distracts me from my personal life.",Depression +19694,"I have been trying out new antidepressants and I have never felt worse in my entire life. My doctor recommended me to over to Remeron, but I have never heard of it. Has anyone taken it and if so did you have any major side effects? Med transitions",Depression +19695,"I am so tired of feeling stuck. Everyone in my life is moving on and is just so happy whenever I talk to them. New opportunities, people that adore them, etc. I just feel worthless. I am now depressed than I have ever been, I am lonely and I feel stuck. Nothing happens for me. I feel like nothing. everyone my age is doing better",Depression +19696,"nothing is working. nothing is going right for me. all i want to do is have a job, and nobody will hire me. that is literally all i want is to earn enough money to get a car. but of course I am not allowed.. ok so ill fucking be homeless in 6 months then i guess. cool. you need to drive in order to get a job, and you need a job in order to buy a fucking car. cannot be with anyone because I am not man enough to make love, no matter how much working out I do i am never satiated. all i want to do is run away, all i want to do is work out until I die. working out is the only thing i am good at.. i can draw and cook and work out. I am sick to my stomach man the world is passing me by and I am sitting here and i do not even feel like a man. nothing i do helps. idk what is wrong with me- nothing is improving.",Depression +19697,"Cuz i do. And its wierd feeling. And lack of motivation to do anything. If anyone reads this i cannot relly help you anyway right now, but i can just assure you, you are not the only one in the world feeling numb and staring out the window. Do you feel disconnected from life?",Depression +19698,At least I would be remembered for something. I would not have to worry about offing myself and i could die fighting for my country. It sounds selfish but I wish a world war would happen again. I want to die in a war,Suicidal +19699,"Hello so Il explain, do not want to be in the town that I am in it is very poor most of the shops are bargain shops and charity shops.I work a remote job most of my money Is gone end of the month, my salary is not that high I just feel stuck here.The nearest city Is 39, minutes away I do not have a car or want driving lessons.There is a supermarket that closed down, It also costs I think 3 pound something to travel to the city and that is each day. I do not want to off my self I just want to leave this town.",Suicidal +19700,"I have no friends, no hobbies, no clear goal in life and I feel myself getting worse every day. This is not even worth it. I have nothing to live for",Depression +19701,"If there is a more beneficial sub please lmk so I can upload this there. I felt this is th best place to post for now. This may be a bit Sorry for errors in advance I am on mobile.I (23M) currently am stuck with my thoughts as I cannot post this anywhere else. My girlfriend (22F) who is currently 12 weeks pregnant. I am trying to be supportive despite our living situation where I live with my mom and she lives with her grandpa. Our living situation is a story on its own but we plan on moving in together before our child's birth. Currently I am working overnight retail and preparing myself for college. I also am the primary care taker of my mom due to her having eye surgery and she is just old I am general. I am living two lives and as you may think, it is very exghausting. Recently I have been taking more control over my health. I am 225lbs and been trying to lose weight by eating right and going to the gym. With my girlfriend I have been setting more time for her than training and to counter I have been really focusing on my food intake. But lately maybe due to stress or my diet but I have been dealing with severe stomach pains that come in waves. It quite litterally requires me to be near a toilet at all times as God knows how much my body releases. The pain comes in waves and I end up taking longer hot showers over it. Lately my girlfriend has been wanting me to go to her appointments for the baby. As much as I love to go, sometimes I feel like I physically. Recently I have been trying to focus on my job as I am trying to save money for this apartment. it is not much since I am already paying for most bills in my mom's place but eventually I will have enough to move. The problem is I am the only one doing anything. My girlfriend is currently unemployed and has been getting money from her grandfather. My girl has been going to there is recently and has been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, bipolarism, and possibly manic. I understand she needs more attention but lately it is been becoming toxic. For starters she cannot take any prescription medication to treat these as she is pregnant. She tells me constantly she is depressed and I try to help but there is only so much I can do. I offered many times to come over and spend time but usually these end up with me cleaning her room or just popping in for 5 mins. I am not really complaining over that but concidering she lives half and hour away and with limited money for gas, it becomes a deal with me especially since I am the only one who has any type of money. She tries door dashing but it is more of an excuse to hang with her friends as at the end of her days all the money she earns go back into gas. And top of that she drives constantly so she is always out of gas.She has tried working in the pass but she is the type to raise hell if she can get any small benefit from any employment. For example in retail. She was required to just stock baby food... She refused because she says the it is not her job to pull out pallets as she is pregnant. We have another girl in retail same build and is further along that does alot more then her. Again this is not bashing this is just to give you an example. Consistently fighting with managers because I am every department if there is something heavy she will not do it. Heavy as in 15lbs heavy. So with her not working and spending more time with her friends it is put me in a state where I know I am going to be doing all the work when we move in together. I honestly do not care because everything I am doing is for my my kids. But it is kind of hard to not only go to work, take care of my mom and take care of my girl while also trying to take care of myself. it is come to the point I have stopped eating regularly as I am too tired. I chopped it up to work but really I am lying to myself. I have been depressed and I have no one to talk to about it. I stopped doing things I love and every day just crawl into bed hoping for the days off. It does not help I have 3 dogs I know I am unfit to take care of as every day I come home to find a new fresh pile on the floor mixed with urine since mom is not awake to take the dogs out (my brother abandoned us and his dogs here till he can get his own place so for now I am their care taker too).Every day it just gets worse and worse and I feel even when I have the energy to do something it does not matter. Nothing stays clean other than my room. But still I do not like living in a bedroom. I stopped working out, I stopped gaming and even smoking green. Nothing helps and I am even concidering dropping college to focus on my family when I move. Today has been the worse. I have been having stomach cramps and have been on and off the toilet at work all night. I told my manager and thank god she is understanding. Just told me to do what I can but if I want to go home I can. I stuck it out but in the morning I felt like death. I told my girlfriend about it and today was suppose to be her 12 week checkup. I told her I might not be able to come due to my currently predicament. I did not get a response but instead I got a message from her friends basically bastardizing me saying I better go because they do not want to put up her. Basically if her own way she told her friends that I am not being supportive and it really fucked with me. I responded back to her saying to pick me up when she is ready but honestly I think I should have told her off because at the time, I was basically preying to any higher being to take this pain away even after spending an hour in the shower.By the time she got to me I had cold shivers in 90 degree weather and was basically asking to be epsteined to stop the pain. Well the whole time together was nothing but silence. I am there trying to hold it together when I feel my body basically trying to fuck with me any way possible. Nausea, instinctive to puke, cramps, overall a grand old time. Nothing. Not a word. Not even a ""are you ok""? I know I messed up for not saying anything and currently am waiting for the verbal chew out as I type this. Problem is mostly I understand I am in the wrong but really I do not know what to do. I feel like there is this sucking feeling in my chest. Where I feel like there is a hole in my chest that only makes me more depressed. It does not help lately I have been catching myself going on tinder and looking at all the single women out there. I do not know why maybe envy of my life before? Maybe there is someone better? I do not know and I do not want to know. I know in my heart I do not want to cheat. I love my girl and I love my kids and never want to break that but it is getting stronger every day and it scares me. I cannot post this on any social medias for mostly this reason alone. I cannot even talk to her about how I feel because honestly I do not feel worth the saving. I just want to raise my kids and love my girl but in the past my girl has been more or less unreasonable and controlling. Basically telling me that mother's gets all rights to kids by default and really fatherhood is more or less a privilege than a right. I have not seen anything that says that but she is adamant that, that is reality.I do not know if that is true for the Ohio but really i do not care. To me I say I will let the kids decide if one or both parents deserve them. But as I type this I see how far I am falling and really I cannot seem to find a answer to explain to my girlfriend without telling her ""she needs to do this or I am done"" I cannot do that with how unstable she is. As my health is declining I am finding less of a reason to care. My emotions are numbed, I do not have insurance to go to therapy, I have no friends to talk to about this and in paranoid if she knew what I was saying she drag me again for not being there.So guys please any advice would help. Should I leave? Should I stay? What do I say? or is it wrong how am I feeling and I need serious help? Anything helps at this point. I do not want to lose my kid but really it is looking like I got no choice and I am the bad guy no matter what. I am about to be a dad and I have severely depressed",Depression +19702,"So basically I am feeling really shitty and abandoned and alone. My previous account where I had made lots of friends was permanently banned. Because someone described depressed people as their Hollow brethren so I made A Darksouls reference about how being a Hollow from Darksouls would suck, because even if you killed yourself you would just get reserect at a bonfire. Then a few days later my account is banned saying I threatened violence. it is super confusing because it dosent threaten violence I just said being a hollow would suck because you would reserect everytime you tried. I do not understand, do they think I was telling the o.p they should kill themselves? I appealed and it they said it still violates the threatening violence rule. So now I feel like a piece of shit. I lost all my friends and karma and got shut out of the one place I went for support. I just do not understand what I did wrong? it is stupid to feel suicidal because you lost a reddit account I know but... Feel totally shit and unwanted",Depression +19703,every morning i wake up and its like a repeat of yesterday and the day before that. every day i have to force myself to do something fun because if i do not i will fall into suicidal thoughts and its awful.i literally have to make myself be happy or content atleast once a day because that will be my reason to keep on living.i do not think its a healthy habit. any advice? i have to look for a reason to keep living every day,Depression +19704,I know that I am loved. I know that my family would do anything to keep me here with them and make me smile and that is something a lot of people do not have. I just got slammed with some kind of mystery medical issue and its drastically wearing down my will to keep going. I was fine one day and the next I was not. I cannot function day to day like I used to. I feel sick all the time. I do not know how I am going to be able to work. I have seen numerous doctors who cannot explain what is going on or offer a solution. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life feeling like I am stuck in a body that is not mine and retching into a toilet for 4 hours every morning. I am so tired of feeling sick and sad and losing the life that I had before all of this started. I sit all day and cry and imagine different ways of dying. I do not have a point to posting this other than just typing out my feelings. I just want to feel better. I am not sure how I am supposed to go on.,Suicidal +19705,I feel so hopeless and like a failureI do not know how to put this eloquently so I am just going to say it. This past year I applied to medical school (several different ones) and I got one interview which turned into a waitlist which I am still on. I feel like literally such a failure and I am burnt out and exhausted because I feel like I have worked so hard for four years just for my dreams that I have had for so long to be crushed. Sure I did not have the best grades or best MCAT score but it felt like it should have been enough. Now I am reapplying and I am just so burnt out I cannot even bring myself to work on the application because I feel like I have some sort of PTSD like thing? That just paralyzes me and prevents me from doing anything at all. I am also looking for a job to do for my gap year and it feels hopeless because I have not heard back from anywhere at all. I just feel so sad and hopeless and depressed I do not know what to do. I just recently graduated college and I just feel so lost and I do not know what comes next. I feel like I have nothing going for me and I am scared to even reapply for med school because I do not know if its going to amount to anything I am tired of disappointment,Depression +19706,"I have been hearing and looking at the discussions in this subreddit and there was a phase when I needed someone to talk to me but did not know who to approach. So I made this little app to help myself when I am in difficult situations, I jot down my thoughts to help myself feel contempt. it is still in beta, if you have any suggestions do lmk. >[ for trying it out. An app if it helps",Depression +19707,"I know the title for this post is strange, but this is truly how I feel, and have been feeling for a while now. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I also have OCD and autism, so it makes my life a little bit harder than normal. Through all of the struggles and dark times I have, I cannot stop thinking about how much I want someone, anyone, to just hold me in their arms and give me a long hug. It probably would not help in the long term, but it would just be a temporary relief for me with the way I am feeling. For someone to just hug me for a minute would make so much of a difference you would not believe, but unfortunately I do not have anyone around me right now who could do that, and it really really sucks. Like I said, I would not just be permanently healed from this, but it would be a temporary fix at least. Sorry for this weird post, but I just wanted to vent a little. Thanks for reading. I think a hug would make me feel better",Depression +19708,I am trying to convince myself to just go through with it.the pain is no longer worth it. not worth it,Suicidal +19709,"I know the title for this post is strange, but this is truly how I feel, and have been feeling for a while now. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I also have OCD and autism, so it makes my life a little bit harder than normal. Through all of the struggles and dark times I have, I cannot stop thinking about how much I want someone, anyone, to just hold me in their arms and give me a long hug. It probably would not help in the long term, but it would just be a temporary relief for me with the way I am feeling. For someone to just hug me for a minute would make so much of a difference you would not believe, but unfortunately I do not have anyone around me right now who could do that. Like I said, I would not just be permanently healed from this, but it would be a temporary fix at least. Sorry for this weird post, but I just wanted to vent a little. Thanks for reading. I think a hug would make me feel better",Depression +19710,"I am 25 years old. I have struggled with social anxiety, depression, disordered eating and gender dysphoria since I was 13. Twelve years of suffering. This past year-and-a-half the pandemic came along, of course, and destroyed any improvements I might have made prior to it (even if some of those were admittedly a bit of a facade, me convincing myself and others I would improved because ""I am doing this good thing now and I am not doing that bad thing anymore""). The pandemic has affected everyone in different ways; I feel like it is effects for me have been multiple and some of then I am feeling far more now (at the ""end"" of lockdown) than I ever did during the height of lockdown.there is the enforced isolation, which has increased my social anxiety tenfold, to the point where the loosening of restrictions only means I am isolating even more because there is too many people outside and I cannot cope with them seeing me, looking at me, interacting with me, forming an opinion of me - even a split-second, meaningless judgement is terrifying. I know it is irrational, but social anxiety has this way of making the irrational fears so loud and intrusive that they can become self-fulfilling. I can rationally say to myself, ""nobody cares, nobody's looking at you"". Then I take a 5 minute walk to the shop and have a panic attack due to being so overwhelmed with anxiety. Well now everyone is looking at you, because you are staggering around hyperventilating clutching your chest like you are having a heart attack, you dumb shit. Then there is all the time spent alone with my own thoughts, ruminating over every little thing I have ever said and done, punishing myself and berating myself for things I said without thinking back in ""normal"" times when face-to-face social interaction was a daily occurrence so I let my guard and filter down. I do not just mean cringey moments (although I have plenty of those too), but cruel or thoughtless comments and actions which honestly just make me a terrible human being. Then there is the doomscrolling. Literally, on news websites etc. but also figuratively, in my own mind, which was arguably the master of spiralling into negative and pessimistic thoughts about the world long before ""doomscrolling"" was even a term. Thinking about how we got here and where we are headed and how fucked up the world is. Overpopulation and overconsumption and human selfishness and speciesism mean future pandemics and local and global travesties are only going to get more common. This is not the ""end"", it is just the beginning. Climate change is always on my mind, to some degree. I feel helpless and hopeless, I do not believe humanity will change enough or in time to save this planet. I do the things I can, but I am painfully aware I could be doing more and be more of an activist if I was less depressed and self-pitying. I am also painfully aware that I could do everything in my power and it would not scratch the surface, so long as huge money-obsessed corporations continue to because more destruction in a day than I could in a year, even if I did not bother to try at all. My gender dysphoria is worse because I was forced to sit with my thoughts and acknowledge it for what it really is and always has been. Denial is not healthy, but it sure feels better sometimes than admitting an uncomfortable truth to yourself. And once you admit that truth? You have to fight tooth and nail to get the things required to finally feel comfortable in your own damn skin. I am lucky that coming out was relatively safe and painless for me in terms of others' reactions, and I am so grateful for that. But boy is it a lot of work having to repeatedly ""prove"" your identity to strangers, while constantly second-guessing it yourself (hello, imposter syndrome), only to be told everything is a 3 year wait and costs thousands. Fill out this form and take this test and pay for this consultation and even then you are not our ideal candidate, so we will get back to you. it is exhausting and I have so little fight left in me. Giving up means giving up any possibility that I will ever be happy but sometimes I still want to, just because I am tired of it. That last sentence was about my gender dysphoria, sure, but it is also how I feel about life as a whole. Suicide is giving up. A dead person cannot be happy, but they cannot be miserable either. I am also in physical pain that I cannot get looked at by a medical professional because the doctors need photo ID to update my name, which I do not have. My back and knees are a steady 3/10 when busy or distracted. 7/10 when I try to sleep, unless I am blackout drunk. 9/10 if I smoke weed, for some reason. Everyone talks about weed helping with pain, but if I smoke I am damn near calling myself an ambulance just to get high-strength painkillers because my back hurts so much. I feel fairly sure the physical pain is related to a sedentary lifestyle. I sit at work all day, then I sit and watch TV or go to bed early, I do not exercise because I am scared to go outside and besides I have no motivation. It cannot be good for me and I think my body is trying to tell me that. Every time I try to end a post like this I think of something else, another reason I feel so suicidal. Maybe I should focus on the positives? I am young, maybe not in tip-top physical condition but probably fixable to a decent standard of health/comfort with the right treatment and effort. I live in a wealthy country with access to everything I could ever need. I have a job, I am financially independent, I can make rent and pay for food and even luxuries. I have a family who love me (especially my mum, who means everything to me). I could probably be fairly attractive if I worked out and took better care of myself. I am not unintelligent and I have some compassion, so I could probably do things to help people and better the world if I put more effort in. All of these positives just fill me with so much guilt. I do not deserve these benefits or opportunities, they are wasted on me. Focusing on the positives makes me wish someone else could take my place and be in my position and make full use of it, so I could just be dead. I just want to kill myself. I just want to kill myself",Depression +19711,"I know the title for this post is strange, but this is truly how I feel, and have been feeling for a while now. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I also have OCD and autism, so it makes my life a little bit harder than normal. Through all of the struggles and dark times I have, I cannot stop thinking about how much I want someone, anyone, to just hold me in their arms and give me a long hug. It probably would not help in the long term, but it would just be a temporary relief for me with the way I am feeling. For someone to just hug me for a minute would make so much of a difference you would not believe. Like I said, I would not just be permanently healed from this, but it would be a temporary fix at least. Sorry for this weird post, but I just wanted to vent a little. Thanks for reading. I feel like all I need to feel better is just a hug",Depression +19712,"I was using her phone because I wanted to buy something on a random website. I saw that she was using private browsing, I looked into it and here is what I saw : suicide sleeping pills forum.I cannot even fully describe the feeling of dread that invaded me at this moment. I felt desperate, sad, angry... My mom does not have an easy life : in 2019 she lost like 70% of her left feet capacity and had to undergo two back surgeries. She has to take morphine everyday to fight the pain but she is still in pain. My mom was a very active woman and the fact that she cannot run, jump, or even walk properly makes her really depressed. She also has financial issues because her salary is trash and she is working a dead end job that she hates. My father is not really helpful and she thinks hes not in love with her anymore, my dog whom she loved dearly passed away in April and I am moving away in September. I absolutely want to leave because my mom is kind of toxic to me and I want to start a new life, but at the same time I do not want to because I do not trust her anymore.My dad made a suicide attempt in 2015. Hes better now but I cannot help feeling extremely angry that both my parents wanted to die at one point. I wish they never had kids to be honest. I hate them but I do not want them to die and abandon me because I love them more than anything else in the world. I do not know what to do. I cannot even talk to her right now but I know I have to help her. But how can I help her? I know we should never make a suicidal person feel guilty or selfish because it will not help them, but I am so mad at her. I am only 17, and even though Ill be an adult soon I am way too young to deal with this. And I am just plain tired. This year has been hell to me, I was depressed and was dealing with an eating disorder, my dog died... why cannot everything be fine? Am I not enough for my parents? I do everything I can to help my mom, but it seems to be pointless. I do not know what to do to make her happy. I tried everything I could. I am her daughter and I cannot even make her slightly happy. Sometimes I feel useless. I do not think my parents love me that much now. I do not know what I have done to deserve this. I am miserable and life is just so unfair Its about my mom",Suicidal +19713,"So my mental health has deteriorated really badly over the past year and I have just had a breakdown. I dropped outta high school a month ago thinking I could start to learn all kinds of skills which I could use to live in a rural area some day. I also had dreams to live the life some people over in r/vagabond live but then reality hit me. I realised that life is a lot harder than I thought and that it really is not easy to be living in a rural area with near to nothing or the vagabond life. So I have basically dropped out of college for some ridiculous dream that I am now disillusioned about. I have no qualifications or anything and my parents are really starting to hate me. The darkness of the real world has now hit me and so I need to prepare for my eventual leave onto the streets, I doubt I will let myself live another few years at most because I have never hated life as much as I do now and I am completely despairing. On top of that I am a type 1 diabetic. I seriously am thinking about death at the moment. I do not know what to do. [M 17] contemplating death",Suicidal +19714,"I am sad, again as always. Constantly being reminded about how I will never mean anything to anyone. I attach to too many people so easily. do not know if its because of me being an empath or if I am just desperate for love and attention. I want love. I really do. But at the same time I do not, I do not want love. It terrifies me. I do not trust another soul to love me back the same way I love them. To care about me the way I do. It will always be me who gives more. No one can ever love me. I am not worthy of it. Ill never be enough. Not pretty. Not smart. Not skinny. Nothing. there is nothing to love about me. I do not even love myself. I do not even love myself.",Depression +19715,"I try to smile and be positive, but underneath I am not looking forward to the future.I have anxiety, a physical limitation and a wife who feels like a roommate.I am 30 something and live at home. I work a well paying professional job and do not have a house. I look at my son sometimes and wonder if I did him a disservice by helping to bring him into this world.I feel alone even though there are people around.I am living to give my family a better future. I do not see much going for me. I need help, but I am too scared to ask for it",Depression +19716,"""*We never taste happiness in perfection, our most fortunate successes are mixed with sadness""* Yea...",Depression +19717,"Any suggestions for this? My depression comes in waves, but even on days that feel bearable I am just so fucking tired. Coffee just makes me anxious, and not exactly productive. My sleep at night is fine. I could sleep all day if I wanted, though. Any thoughts? What do you do? Tired every day",Depression +19718,"I have not quite entered into an episode or anything yet, but I have got to get this stuff off my chest.Realized over the past 12 hours or so that nearly all my closest friends are not going to be around during my last year of high school. I know I was lucky to have them in the first place; but it is really coming down on me that most of them are going to be gone. One got in massive trouble with his parents and is having to move across the state to live with them. One is transferring to a private school on the other side of town. One is opting out to do only remote stuff. Another had to move north for their dad's employment. There were a few that I had to cut out by my own volition because of their behavior (sexual harassment, narcissism, etc.). I am looking at my life right now and realizing that almost every single person that I have gotten close to over the past couple of years is having to leave for some reason; it sucks when shit like this dawns on you out of nowhere. All the sudden realizing that things are going to be a huge struggle only weeks before school starts back up. If you are feeling worried about the upcoming school year, I guess I just wanted to say that I think most of us are pretty spooked too. Summer sadness solidarity. Friends going away",Depression +19719,My doctor prescribed a low dose (20mg) cymbalta to help with some corneal neuropathic pain. It seemed it help for the few days I took it but then I read all of the issues people have coming off of it versus other antidepressants and discontinued it due to that. My nerve pain is now back and I am on the fence about taking it again since it really did help (I also have some mild anxiety and depression so it was a plus to help with those also). The general consensus online seems to be that it is an absolutely terrible drug to have to taper off of and people seem to develop chronic issues from it even after being off of it a while. My doctor simply tells me do not worry about that when I inquired about the withdrawals. Can any medical professionals give me some input? Is it really that bad for most people? I would like to not be in pain anymore but also do not want to because meow problems for myself in the long run Is tapering off of cymbalta as scary as people make it seem? It helps me but I am scared to keep taking it,Depression +19720,I apologized and they said all was good. Yet today its been eating me up of what I said and I just hope they know know I meant it. We have talked since then but its making me so upset. I was stupid and I hope it does not because any future issues. Upset what I said to my best friend.,Depression +19721,"I have been struggling with depression for more than half of my life. For more than half of that time, I have not had any truly supporting friends who will be there when things are rough. I spent the past many years struggling to figure out if this is me or if its the people around me, and I cannot figure it out. So I am wondering, do you have friends who support you through the good and the bad? What does this support look like? Will they listen to your feelings and struggles? Do you have friends who will check in once in a while to see how you are doing?Are these things too much to hope for in a friend? Is depression really just an isolated journey, where I can expect to have no close friends/relationships until I find a way out of depression? Do you have supporting friends?",Depression +19722,I do not even want to die that much. I just want the pain to stop. But it will not by itself. Just increasing and swirling together like the thoughts. \_()_/,Depression +19723,"As I have gotten older I have been desensitized to many different things that used to make me happy. I am pretty depressed and in a weird spot. I have a lot of motivation to change which is wonderful to me because it means I am on the right track, but I am certainly still lacking in some areas.I want to learn how to get all of my childlike ambition back and to cultivate such an ambition within my life. I want to combine such ambition with the discipline of a master and be truly unified with it all. How do I begin doing this?Any books, movies, activities, healthy lifestyle changes, forms of media, mantras, practices, or other mediums of knowledge and experience I can facilitate and utilize in order to bring all this back? IWTL How to get my childlike ambition back",Depression +19724,"I just want to quit. I know I cannot, but I want to.I keep trying to cry because I feel like I need to but I just cannot get it out. I have to be the strong one. Those around me have their own problems, how could I ever try to explain mine when their struggles are real and mine are in my head?I have to keep it together. I cannot show the cracks forming in myself. I have to be the one that eats every punch with a smile. I tell myself it could be so much worse, there are kids getting bombed halfway across the world so how could I possibly justify my pain to anyone?Idk I just feel like I am going to fall apart soon and at this point I am ready for the house of cards to fall.What happened to me? I keep swinging, but I cannot seem to get the knock-out.",Depression +19725,"I have been doing worse and worse these last few weeks.I thought I needed a break from the people and things who stressed me out, but it just completely isolated me and now the mere thought of talking to anyone disgusts me to no end, even more than it did before.I am autistic. I have depression and generalized anxiety disorder. As you can imagine, it makes me an absolutely lovely person to be around and I am really tired of feeling like a burden, of being an inconvenience, of failing every social interaction.It exhausts me that I cannot stay on top of ANYTHING: I always get submerged by stuff to do and think about in one aspect of my life, or all at once. Social life, self care, health, work, education, housekeeping, it is all just too much. I feel like I am perpetually drowning. Even if I try to take a break, my stupid brain does not get the concept of a break and it will just throw terrible thoughts at me every second of every single day and night.I have not cooked for myself in weeks. I guess I accidentally became a raw vegan since I have been living off of bell peppers, lettuce and tomatoes. I have vaguely looked at the pile of dishes this morning. The shower needs a good scrubbing but I can barely manage to wash my own body.I have had suicidal ideas for over 10 years now and I still have no clue how to manage them, no matter how many low points I have been able to somehow escape. I have tried the usual ""oh there is still so much to do and see"" but I feel like I have reached the end of this. Why would I bother going to amazing places and doing fun and exciting stuff when I cannot appreciate anything? there is beauty all around me, yet I can see, hear, touch or taste none of it.I have always been able to survive every one of these rock bottom moments, as you can see. Thing is, what even is the point of realizing you have not actually reached the end of your rope, if you know you are going to have a few days/weeks of feeling okay, and then you will have to start all over again, over and over, until one day, these thoughts win?And yes, I have tried yoga, exercise, meditation, clean eating, therapy. I am afraid to get back on meds because if they do not work, then there will truly be no hope of ever, ever getting better.I just end up staring at the ceiling for hours on end. Wondering, probably. I have no idea what I am even thinking of because as soon as a thought is half over, it is gone. I am wasting my life and I do not care. I simply do not want it anymore. I wish I could give all the years I might have left to someone who would enjoy them.I feel so ungrateful. I do not have the best of physical health, but it would be way worse. I have a beautiful apartment, a job that I love, cats that I adore. I have a bit of family that I can do with, I even have friends who are there for me. I feel like all of these people would be better off without me. I feel like offing myself would be an act of love, it would lift this weight right off of their lives.The reason I am still here is that I have my 2 cats. They are the absolute light of my life and I would do anything for them. Including staying alive. there is no one who could adopt them and care for them properly, so, here I am. I was born with the goal to be useful to someone, and I will apparently stay alive for the exact same reason.I wish you all a better evening than mine.Be gentle with yourselves. we are fragile creatures. I am just tired",Suicidal +19726,was having a pretty decent month or so where my mind was not quite as awful. now I am feeling like complete shit and cannot block out the constant negative thoughts racing through my mind. god I hate this. I hate it all so much and I have no one. When it comes back at full force,Depression +19727,"I am 21. People had lovers lots of friends moved lots of places. I spent my teenager years with phsycal and mental illnesses, bullying, loneliness and isolation. I will never experience the beauties teenagers had experienced...I have lost. What a sad reality...I am not a teenager anymore. I spent potentally best years of my life in pain.",Suicidal +19728,"I have never really said this out loud but i just really feel like ranting lol. my family is very extreme, especially my mum. to the point where it controls EVERY single one of my actions. i laugh- my mum tells me that its shameful for women to laugh out loud. i wear leggings/trousers in my OWN home- my brothers will get distracted. today she screamed at me because i nearly went out with a skirt that was above my ankles. does she seriously think that she is helping me by screaming? will it kill her to not scream at me or get angry for something so minor for once? I am only 17 and i feel so left behind and absolutely helpless, i do not see my future, i never really have. she does not even allow me to go out unless its for school. she even takes my money that i earn from my school and tells me that I am greedy because i hesitate whenever I am about to give it to her. i cannot begin to imagine what she will do if she finds out i secretly have piercings, that I am closeted, i smoke, and i wear trousers outside. i genuinely cannot live with her or anyone else in this family. i refuse to live the rest of my life like this or ill really hate myself. everyday i wake up feeling like I have got a large boulder on my chest I am unable to cry, its so hard for me. i cannot imagine myself running away because i come from a large community. i really only see one way out. my mother does not realise how overbearing she is. i genuinely cannot stay with her or here.",Depression +19729,"Why does not my family care? Why did not they rally around me when my world collapsed and I was breaking down? They do not even ring and check in on me, and their only niece. They do not support or encourage me. How can I even call them family? Honestly, I feel betrayed. Cast aside. Ignored. Why did I have to be me? To be abandoned and betrayed by anyone I trusted? I truly wish for a fatal accident, or terminal illness to take me out. I would rejoice that soon this suffering and pain would end. I wish I could give all my years to my daughter and erase myself from her memory so she would never feel pain over me not being around.I hate this existence. I hate the way I am. I hate myself more than mere words can describe. Death will never come soon enough for me. I hope it does though, very soon. Why...",Suicidal +19730,"i have insomnia, even when i get enough sleep i still do not feel well rested. everyday i feel fatigued, i have this i do not care mindset. I have kind of given up on life. I have been this way for a really long time. i do not have the motivation to pickup my antidepressants. i never want to do anything. even if i take adderall ill just sit there anxious and organize my amazon wishlist. what motivates you to get up and be productive? i want to be better for not only myself but my cats, i want to have the energy to play with them, to make them happy. even that is it enough and it makes me so sad. advice for getting things done when feeling very low",Depression +19731,"Like if something reminds her of a mistake I, or someone else, made years ago. she will bring it up and be like ""remember the time you or so and so was an asshole and did this"" and its like ""no...but I guess I do now?"" Ever since my friend has started to experience depressive episodes, she is developed a habit of bringing up others past mistakes from years ago. Is this common?",Depression +19732,"Hello! I am not sure whoever needed this but if you are longing for someone whom you can talk to, I can be your anonymous diary.I have battled depression myself and is happy that I have overcame the demons within me. And I know at firsthand how important it is to have someone that have you feel you are being HEARD. So, count me in and let us be friends. My dms are open and would love to hear all of your stories.Praying with you.-CEG I can be your anonymous diary.",Depression +19733,I was wondering if any of you are in the metro area? I was looking to start like a hiking group or doing something together. I am a 28-year-old single father and it would be cool to meet others; it is rough meeting new people when you are a single dad in a newish city (moved in late 2018) Colorado?,Depression +19734,I think I just need people somewhat like me to talk toI do not have the energy to get better right now. I just want to stay curled up in a ball on the sofa watching tv because at times it takes me away from my own reality. Feel hugged. <3 *Hugs*,Depression +19735,"so i am on vacation with the family and then there is my cousin. a nice and polite guy, i really like him but i always feel like i am a loser next to him. he is taller, has a netter body and is more socially active. hes 2 months younger than me and already has a beard which i have not. he always get compliments from the family about his height and body, while i am sitting there and just feed bad. constant bad feeling",Depression +19736,"I just wanted to tell someone because it has been slowly eating me alive. I hate that every other thought is, ""hey, why are we here? No one is going to miss you. let us just jump out this window.""I feel so alone and I have no one to talk to about these feelings. let us be real, even if I did, it will not end well. I will still be passively suicidal, just guilty for thinking about it. Ahh, maybe I am just bad at this whole life thing. Fuck being casually suicidal",Suicidal +19737,"I love sad music, I have all of my life. Mostly indie music, love sad poems, it makes me feel like myself I guess.With that said, I am a deeply sensitive person to most emotions. I always wonder if I am feeding myself sadness by continuing to listen to melancholic music.What are your thoughts on this? Feels a bit like chicken or the egg to me. Does Sad Music Spur Your Depression or Help You Cope?",Depression +19738,"and i work a really shitty job. 4 days on and 4 days off, 12 hour shifts. i look forward to my days on and i dread my days off. the only joy i feel in life at the minute is the feeling of turning up to work and being responsible to get something done. the rest of my time i spend alone and depressed with no real meaningful contact with anyone else, I am totally incapable of having a good time when I am doing anything other than working. so bored and tired of it all man the only joy in my life is work",Depression +19739,"As the title suggests I had planned to kill myself last night. Precisely the plan was to electrocute myself as it does not really require a lot of prep. I will not go into details about the specific act due to the fear someone might attempt to recreate it. Anyways, that would have been my second suicide attempt, the first one being about a year and a half ago with me stabbing myself in the neck a few times. Not the most elegant suicide method I admit but I was not looking for something elegant at the time. I was diagnosed with dysthymia (Persistent Depressive Disorder) about 3 years ago, changed a few therapists and medications but nothing helped enough. It just feels like life has just been postponing suicide since my first attempt. On the bright side, I have not self-harmed since then but hell do I want to sometimes. In every bridge, every speeding car, every kitchen knife, every rope, every policeman even all I see is a way to death. The main question that people might have from the title - Did I go through with it? No. Why? I do not know really, instead, I went for a run (which is usually a temporary mood boost for me but it goes away quite quickly) and then I was too tired to do it. Do I still want to do it? Yes, yes and yes. I only stopped myself today too because a friend of mine has her birthday today and I do not want to ruin it even if we are not really close. it is just all postponing but I am not sure until when. Anyways, thanks for your time, hope you are doing better! I had a suicide attempt planned for last night.",Suicidal +19740,"Crosspost + I do not know where to start. This is going to be very long and I do not expect anyone to read it.&#x200B;what is been weighing heavy on my mind since I woke up this morning is AM. Those are his actual initials and that is really all he is to me. And bad memories. I have nightmares regularly with him in them. I cannot help but want to ask him if he is sorry 2-3 years later. I could not believe my eyes the day I found cp on his second phone. You may ask yourself: ""second phone?"" then glance up at the red flag. Yeah, I have a hard time not blaming myself for falling in love with someone I can clearly see was a terrible person in hindsight. But I did.I told myself for over a year afterward that I would never be capable of loving someone so endlessly and freely. Part of me still believes that. Part of me knows that is the grooming and abuse still doing its job. However, none of me genuinely feels bad for myself. I wanted to die before I met him and I want to die now. I wanted to die when I was with him, too. A rapper I like said it best ""I still want to die, but got someone to do it with.""I think what makes it so difficult is that we were junkies in love. Spending all my money on drugs of choice. Being in love on drugs cannot compare to doing it sober. I still cannot figure out if he knew what he was doing or if he was just so fucked up that he cannot see what he did.For the sake of TLDR, I think the one story I will share is the day he was trying to convince me to give him back his second phone. For context, this was directly prior to the purge on Tumblr. Before the purge in general.I had found cp one time prior around Christmastime living in a motel, but I was so deeply disgusted and disturbed and also (literally) was not trying to invade his privacy, that he easily convinced me it would never happen again and it was a one-time thing that he felt extremely guilty for. I have to excuse myself here and say I was extremely drugged up and not thinking clearly.The next time I found it was after we moved into an apartment and signed a lease. I was looking through his phone and found way more evidence than would have been needed to convict him. I told him and took his phone and almost always kept it on my person. He played nice for a couple days, trying to get me not to go to the police. Which worked. What also worked was the day he blew up. He told me he felt like I was keeping the phone instead of getting rid of it to spite him. I told him I was not sure what I wanted to do yet. He practically begged me to give it back to him. So I took it and threw it into the dumpster in our apartment complex. I told him if he wanted it, he could climb in there and go get it. I am not sure if he did. I would not put it behind him.&#x200B;The other thing weighing heavy on my mind is SW. Also his actual initials. Also only bad memories. Sometimes I have nightmares about him, too. This one is hard because I blame myself entirely for it even though I advocate that teenagers/children are not at fault if an adult takes advantage of them even if they initiate it or think they want it. The age difference was about 10-12 years, but the exact number escapes me. I was a minor at the time.I think he was the first one who ever told me to call him daddy. I do not have any words in my head when I think about what happened, it is really only flashes of what I can remember and what I felt. I feel disgusted by my former self for allowing SW into my home and letting him do those things to me. I remember the smell of cheap beer and menthol cigarettes on his breath. I remember the process of letting him get away even though my mother contacted the police. I remember his girlfriend messaging me on facebook some time later, asking what SW said was wrong with her. That is so sad.&#x200B;What it boils down to is this: after SW, I attempted suicide. I would have succeeded if what I hung myself from did not break. After AM, I never properly attempted, but today I am surprised that my recklessness and inconsideration for my own life did not kill me.Today, I weigh a lot on how easy it would have been to commit suicide after AM. No one cared about me, I did not talk to family or friends, and I had nothing at all going for me in my life.Today, it is only hard to do it because of my responsibilities and shame. there is not much more to say here. Of course, there is also the fact that my boyfriend and family would have to cope with it, but some of that ties into responsibilities instead of actual guilt. It would be easier if I was high and I just want to say fuck it and go buy drugs. But I do not know what my boyfriend would do. Part of me literally does not care because he kind of treats me like shit, too.I literally do not want to put in the effort of getting better. I do not want to have to find a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist. I do not want to have to try different medications when being high is so much better than being happy. I do not want to talk about what happened to me because there is nothing I can do to make it not happen and because I cannot fucking kill the people who hurt me the most. As far as I know, too, they are fine. they are fucking fine. And I am still struggling to be a person. I just wish there was a switch that could make it better or just never happen in the first place so I did not have to put in the effort to get better for things that were(n't) my fault. I should have killed myself after AM then I would not have to hurt my best friend/boyfriend and my family I have gotten closer to since I got sober. I wish I never got sober. I wish I let him kill me. I should have killed myself when it would have been easy",Depression +19741,"I have always been the one that helps to the ones that i think needs help. I offer mine even if they did not ask because i know what it feels like to bottle up emotions. I know when they need help because i see myself in them. I helped 2 people go through depression. I tried my best to be the wall they could lean on. One was the person i loved, anne. And the other one was one of the closest friends I have ever had, jhane. There have been times when i wanted to ask for help but i knew that anne was busy with her life. she is already facing alo't of problems and i know she does not have time to listen for me. And I have lost already lost contact with jhane as she is already happy and also she now has a boyfriend. I am afraid to ask her as I am a guy. I do not want to be another issue for them as i know how important this relationship is to her. I know... I do not know actually. I guess I am just afraid to ask. I do not want to ask anymore because the everytime time i asked for help it felt like i was talking to someone made of ice. It always felt cold and uncaring. Whenever i ask for help and i see them busy and happy and i just did not want to disturb them. It always just ends up being the same. I ask how they are, then i see them busy and happy then i lose the will to ask for help because i do not want to be an annoyance to them. I am afraid. I tried to help everyone i could, but i could not even help myself.",Suicidal +19742,I worked up enough motivation (while my wife and kids went on vacation without me) to find a better job. I am 2 days into training and I am not sure I am able to keep up. This has to be my final attempt at life. Once I fail at this I hope I have the balls to leave this torturous existence. My last ditch effort,Suicidal +19743,Hes with someone else now.I can finally rest. <3 He found someone else.,Suicidal +19744,"Its a massive player in why we all want to kill ourselves. The power, scope and range of self hate is astronomical. Its a process that a Reddit post cannot do justice to explain. However, the destructive nature of self hate is trivialized and marginalized by doctors, therapists and professors. Euphemisms and oversimplifications are what we are taught to combat self hate and its honestly pretty hopeless. We are told to just think a positive thought we are told to realize negative thoughts are irrational. They pretend to be is groundbreaking philosophers. Telling us things like your thoughts create your reality and you have to control your thoughts The buffet of bullshit is endless. We are then proceeded to be labeled as self loathers and they tell us you do not want to get better just because we cynical towards this bullshit advice. I am over it. Its just so obvious to me that they cannot accept there are other factors other than my conscious thoughts that make me miserable. They do not want to hear it though. They think that means I am just giving up and it pisses me off. I hate just how underestimated self hate is by the clinical community and everyday society.",Suicidal +19745,"I cannot do it anymore. My mom died of drug addiction and my grandmother is controlling and I have not felt like myself in 6 years. I have not felt happy in 10 years. I do not have a job and cannot get one because my mom will not let me leave and nobody is hiring in walking distance. I am constantly in pain and I need help, but cannot get it. I am killing myself tonight because I cannot escape. I am almost 19 and I hate myself and I hate the people around me. I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +19746,"I just wanted to vent because of the emotional pain I have been feeling. I recently moved back in with family (in our very tiny apartment) and I think it has taken quite a toll on me. Moving out was the best decision I ever made, as the dynamic at home has always been pretty toxic (mostly when my dad is home) since childhood, but due to finances and career related issues, I have had to make the move back. Our home is 2 bedrooms and there are 5 of us so I have to share a room with my mum and get 0 personal space, my dad is a narcissist & the energy at home is always anxiety-inducing because of him. I have been to therapy for childhood trauma and just feel like that progress is being reversed.My depression has spiralled downwards ever since I returned and I feel as if I am about to implode. My mind is constantly racing and I am dissociated all day long but what feels even more difficult is the emotional pain I am carrying constantly, and there is nowhere to let it out. When I lived alone, it was still there but at least I could cry it out and cope with it by meditating or whatever I needed to do in the moment. Now it just feels trapped with no potential of release.The solution, of course, would be to move back out but that is not possible. I have looked at the options and I simply cannot afford them right now, or for another year unless I am willing to compromise my career. I really want to qualify as a barrister but I can only pay for that while living at home; it is that or I move out and work a full-time job to afford rent, and forget about being a barrister for at least another 3 years.If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation, I would really appreciate hearing your opinion on this.TLDR; moved back home, living in a toxic family dynamic and deciding whether to sacrifice a long-term career for moving back out again. Moved back in with parents and feeling helpless... need advice",Depression +19747,"every day is the same, i have no one to talk to...no family/no friends....I am always told I am awful....i want to kill myself I do not want to exist anymore",Depression +19748,"She gives me food, clothes, whatever and in return I dismiss everything they did to hurt me and let me stay in her house. What kind of sick fuck does that? My mother treats me like a slave",Suicidal +19749,"seriously, every day I am getting worse. I have never felt this bad before. i want to die. its all i can think about.this is not long because i do not have anything else to say. but this is the worst I have ever felt. why does nobody care enough to just ask if I am okay? why does everybody come to me to rant to them? why does this happen? I am at rock bottom",Suicidal +19750,I do not get it. I live in a perfectly good life. My family is not poor and my grades are not the worst thing in the world. But I have been thinking about suicide for a while now. And I finally told my parents a few days ago. I asked about a therapist and they just told me I am over reacting and I should think about their emotions and how I am making them feel. They just tell me to be happier for them. I do not know what to do. I do not have anyone to cry to and no one except my sister seems to understand me. I am starting to wonder if I should just kill myself to get them to understand that I was not over reacting. And hopefully if my sister ever becomes depressed they will not ignore her feelings like they did to me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to do. I just want a way out No one understands me,Suicidal +19751,I am lol'ing out of coping mechanism but I am serious Tips to die? Lol,Suicidal +19752,"I do not know where to start. This is going to be very long and I do not expect anyone to read it.&#x200B;what is been weighing heavy on my mind since I woke up this morning is AM. Those are his actual initials and that is really all he is to me. And bad memories. I have nightmares regularly with him in them. I cannot help but want to ask him if he is sorry 2-3 years later. I could not believe my eyes the day I found cp on his second phone. You may ask yourself: ""second phone?"" then glance up at the red flag. Yeah, I have a hard time not blaming myself for falling in love with someone I can clearly see was a terrible person in hindsight. But I did.I told myself for over a year afterward that I would never be capable of loving someone so endlessly and freely. Part of me still believes that. Part of me knows that is the grooming and abuse still doing its job. However, none of me genuinely feels bad for myself. I wanted to die before I met him and I want to die now. I wanted to die when I was with him, too. A rapper I like said it best ""I still want to die, but got someone to do it with.""I think what makes it so difficult is that we were junkies in love. Spending all my money on drugs of choice. Being in love on drugs cannot compare to doing it sober. I still cannot figure out if he knew what he was doing or if he was just so fucked up that he cannot see what he did.For the sake of TLDR, I think the one story I will share is the day he was trying to convince me to give him back his second phone. For context, this was directly prior to the purge on Tumblr. Before the purge in general. I had found cp one time prior around Christmastime living in a motel, but I was so deeply disgusted and disturbed and also (literally) was not trying to invade his privacy, that he easily convinced me it would never happen again and it was a one-time thing that he felt extremely guilty for. I have to excuse myself here and say I was extremely drugged up and not thinking clearly.The next time I found it was after we moved into an apartment and signed a lease. I was looking through his phone and found way more evidence than would have been needed to convict him. I told him and took his phone and almost always kept it on my person. He played nice for a couple days, trying to get me not to go to the police. Which worked. What also worked was the day he blew up. He told me he felt like I was keeping the phone instead of getting rid of it to spite him. I told him I was not sure what I wanted to do yet. He practically begged me to give it back to him. So I took it and threw it into the dumpster in our apartment complex. I told him if he wanted it, he could climb in there and go get it. I am not sure if he did. I would not put it behind him.&#x200B;The other thing weighing heavy on my mind is SW. Also his actual initials. Also only bad memories. Sometimes I have nightmares about him, too. This one is hard because I blame myself entirely for it even though I advocate that teenagers/children are not at fault if an adult takes advantage of them even if they initiate it or think they want it. The age difference was about 10-12 years, but the exact number escapes me. I was a minor at the time.I think he was the first one who ever told me to call him daddy. I do not have any words in my head when I think about what happened, it is really only flashes of what I can remember and what I felt. I feel disgusted by my former self for allowing SW into my home and letting him do those things to me. I remember the smell of cheap beer and menthol cigarettes on his breath. I remember the process of letting him get away even though my mother contacted the police. I remember his girlfriend messaging me on facebook some time later, asking what SW said was wrong with her. That is so sad.&#x200B;What is boils down to is this: after SW, I attempted suicide. I would have succeeded if what I hung myself from did not break. After AM, I never properly attempted, but today I am surprised that my recklessness and inconsideration for my own life did not kill me. Today, I weigh a lot on how easy it would have been to commit suicide after AM. No one cared about me, I did not talk to family or friends, and I had nothing at all going for me in my life.Today, it is only hard to do it because of my responsibilities and shame. there is not much more to say here. Of course, there is also the fact that my boyfriend and family would have to cope with it, but some of that ties into responsibilities instead of actual guilt. It would be easier if I was high and I just want to say fuck it and go buy drugs. But I do not know what my boyfriend would do. Part of me literally does not care because he kind of treats me like shit, too.I literally do not want to put in the effort of getting better. I do not want to have to find a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist. I do not want to have to try different medications when being high is so much better than being happy. I do not want to talk about what happened to me because there is nothing I can do to make it not happen and because I cannot fucking kill the people who hurt me the most. As far as I know, too, they are fine. they are fucking fine. And I am still struggling to be a person. I just wish there was a switch that could make it better or just never happen in the first place so I did not have to put in the effort to get better for things that were(n't) my fault. I should have killed myself after AM then I would not have to hurt my best friend/boyfriend and my family I have gotten closer to since I got sober. I wish I never got sober. I wish I let him kill me. I should have killed myself when it would have been easy",Suicidal +19753,"I am totally fed up of life and I am just feeling its only a matter of time until I take my own life. It just feel like no one wants to listen. On a course where I have no friends and people are just so self centred with getting ahead. I reached out to an acquaintance on the course to chat, as I was at my wits end. They are forever posting on social media about mental health awareness and how they are always here to talk. Honestly, its just all for show because they did everything to not talk to me and avoid talking about things. I am just over it and people being fake nice whilst secretly judging me for having a mental health condition. This is my dream career and I am training with total assholes. what is the point. Why do people post on social media about MH and being there for people and then when you actually need help, its just all for show.",Suicidal +19754,"do not know what to do with myself. Try to disassociate from the problems. Feel like dying, just feel bad about myself. Hate myself. Feel like if try to connect with my emotions and stay this way Something is going to fuck me up soon (confirmed by reality). do not know who I am, can feel joy sometimes. But cannot feel it all the time, which leaves me baffled, overall. Wtf When I go inside my head, it feels like hell",Depression +19755,"I will not go into my whole story, but the basic details are that I am a 35 year old guy, homeowner, about 10 years into my current career (career, not job), homeowner, creative person, new first-time father... Since 11 or 12, I have experienced depressive episodes and severe depressive symptoms. it is only gotten worse as I have gotten older, taken on more responsibility, been burned more and more by people, repress my heart/desires to live a more fulfilling life and travel and take risks, etc. I have done more or less all of the conventional things like therapy, tried multiple drugs, I even was in a year-long clinical trial for an experimental drug for treatment-resistant depression, etc. For a while, I was able to travel for 4-6 weeks during the winters, and I did that for three winters in a row and it was probably the happiest I have been in years. But despite all of the good things happening in my life lately, I tend to always dwell on the really negative things, all of the trauma I have experienced, all of the devalue and discard, the manipulation and cruelty of others, the sense of worthlessness and the morose sense that nothing really matters and that we will all be forgotten one day. For the last 2-3 years, I have been really, really struggling to finally find something that works. Suicidal ideation is more or less always there, but just at different intensities and volumes depending on what is happening and how I am feeling. I have a lot to live for right now and want to be here to be a part of my daughter's life, but I have not had much if any success with mood drugs, talking to my primary care doctor, seeing a psychologist, etc. I feel like I almost have to do something dramatic like check myself in somewhere in order to get a proper diagnosis and treatment plan and finally be taken seriously. I have always been afraid of the costs and possible intervention from police/authorities, but at this point, I have lived like this for so long, I cannot imagine living another 15-20 years like this. I hate that major depression is viewed more as a weakness and not a chronic condition that can -- and does -- kill people. Has anyone else done this? What have peoples experiences been like with hospitalization or in-patient treatment?",Depression +19756,Guys I am struggling fuck Struggling,Suicidal +19757,"I do not want to live anymore. When I get comfortable with people, my social anxiety takes the better of me and I cannot express anything to anyone. Life is fucked up as much as it can be. Why shall I live? Why do I need to live?",Depression +19758,Hey guys i just want to vent out. It is my final year of high school and there was this competition in our maths class where we had to come up with real life solutions using maths so i did an alternative method of launching payload which took me months to do but other classmate just copied a covid problem from the net and presented the teacher who was supposed to select students for the competition picked the other student even though she said i presented better and i spoke better but they have covid releated problem so they get to participate instead. This is just one case this is happening throughout my school life. I cannot even say i lost a competition i never got chance to even loose. Just months of hardwork wasted again and again and again. I am done with this plus being called the n word and being constantly being made fun of due to my skin i have no confidence in my appearance and today was the last straw which took out a little bit of self esteem i had of my mind. Guess i am just rambling on at this point but if you r reading this iust know you r the person i have talked most in the past few years so thanks for listening. Goodbye Loser,Depression +19759,"i just finished my last therapy appointment with this therapist. and all i get told is to read a fucking self help book and that maybe i should look into SSRIs. all i wanted was more frequency but unfortunately she was not able to do that. I cannot tell them i do not want to be alive because that i will be 5150, but if i do not then I am not a priority to be transferred. i cannot be tested for ADHD since i am diagnosed with depression. i feel like I am fucking so stupid. my rooms a complete mess, I am 21 with no sense of direction in life. and now this therapist is going to add trauma related ptsd to my fucking diagnostics. I am on super strict academic probation due failing so many classes, i have one more chance to not lose my FAFSA, and if i do i will have to drop out. i work in a fucking dead end retail job. what is the fucking point of all of this. my family and friends are great, why cannot i be? i love them but i do not know if it enough. i feel like i am wasting time. maybe i should end it now so my family can just grieve and get over me already. Finished my last therapy appointment",Suicidal +19760,"I often pray for god to not let me wake up in the mornings because my life is absolute shit and torture. If there were a god, then why do we have to suffer? If there were a god my prayers would be heard and I would have died all ready",Depression +19761,I have been a jobless fuck for 2 months while living with my friends and I have been jobless in general for almost 8 months. I like the neet lifestyle too much to get a job. But I do not have the privilege to live that lifestyle anymore. Working makes me miserable. Just existing is hell. So I have decided to kill myself. I do not know when but I will soon. I am almost 19 years old and it sucks. Probably just going to spend the rest of my time watching YouTube. Wish I had more time left,Suicidal +19762,"I am about to meet a friend who is out of depression. We did not talks for a year or more, we were not too close and her time in hospital did not help.She was I depression for years. She tried... you know. Months and months of hospital. Now it looks okay and she says she is good. She looks emotionally good. She became an artist. From lawyer. I am not very emotionally smart or knowledgeable about this. We meet soon and I want to know:Are they things not to do or say or mention?Advices ? I am about to meet a friend who is out of depression. Are they things not to do or say?",Depression +19763,"I am staying in my parents' house for the summer, since I have just graduated college. I have an industrial engineering degree. I am supposed to start work at what I am told is a very good job in September. It was a very competitive position and, to my everlasting shame, I outcompeted a great number of people far more dedicated and motivated than myself simply because they did not possess the same talent for education and testing. I ought to have pursued something more mediocre to begin with, or maybe nothing at all, given that I will be a rotting corpse by September either way. What a waste.I have moved my dad's Glock 19 from his dresser into mine, and I doubt that he will notice its missing before the gunshot. Right now the sole object of my life consists in building up the courage to point it towards my head. Once I am able to do that, I assume the act of pulling the trigger will be relatively easy. To my mind, overcoming the subconscious instinct of survival by an act of conscious will might be the single most significant act of individuality it is possible for a person to undertake. that is probably not true, but I believe it anyway, since it provides an air of dignity to what is fundamentally a cowardly and disgusting action. And if I am doing it either way, what difference does it make whether I dignify it or torture myself by calling it what it is? I have grown tired of torturing myself. Although the recognition of this logical inconsistency is really self torture in its own right.I am sure my suicide will seem absolutely ridiculous to everyone I know. My life appears to be going perfectly. I just visited a good friend of mine in another state for a week, and in that entire time did not tell him anything of these feelings. I have not told my family either, or any of my other friends. I just cannot stand the thought of them actually trying to help me, actually trying to ""be there"" for me and comfort me. The thought of their empathy makes me sick to my stomach. They really have nothing to offer me, and if they did try to help me I would have to pretend that they actually were, to avoid hurting them more. The last time someone gave me the old, useless platitudes of ""things will get better"" and ""people love you"" I wanted to laugh in his face, but instead I pretended that those words had helped me, for his sake. That moment was nothing but a reminder of how wide the gap is between me and every other living person, how alone I really am.Alone. that is the root of all this. I could stomach all my uncertainty, my nihilism, my cynicism, the tangled, unnatural, unworkable psychological web I am trapped in, if there were a single living human being who could understand it. Could understand me. With whom I could share some common ground, even one idea or way of thinking. But there is not. I think I am probably insane. Some undiagnosed mental illness runs in my family, and drove my grandfather and great grandfather to paranoia, delusion, reclusively and violence later in their lives. Your response to my concern here will be to tell me to see a psychiatrist or therapist, since that suggestion is in vogue on this website right now. Well, I have seen them. Two different therapists. I even tried to be honest with them. And the response, the ideas and suggestions they gave me were so asinine, so off base, so completely missing the point that I almost could not believe it. I felt insulted. I doubt there is any help for me in the field of mental health, any more than there was for cancer patients in the days of Hippocrates.I do not know why the hell I wrote any of this. it is either a cry for help or an attempt to put something of myself into words for others to see before I cease to exist. ""non omnis moriar"". Either way, I have nothing else to say. On My Approaching Death",Suicidal +19764,I am done doing things. It just is not worth the effort anymore. I am going to lay in bed and be lonely for the rest of my life. I think I am going to stay in bed all day today,Depression +19765,"You always need to make life for yourself. You need to find yourself. You need to search 4 joy, get a profession etc. I know, you have the (sorta) freedom of choice here (I guess, Sartre was right in this regard as we are doomed to freedom). But, the thing is, smth are not always out there 4 you. I get into periods of time where I do not know wtf I should do with myself often. Almost every day. Interests fade away - then they come back. Then, I see some value in me - then it dissapears once again. I just want thing to come easy to me with a natural interest. I do not want to use my intellect for everything like all the time. Meh... Life is shit, because you are thrown into the world where nothing truly awaits 4 you",Suicidal +19766,It works better than antidepressants or therapy I scream every day to relieve myself of PTSD,Suicidal +19767,"I am just exhausted emotionally. I am on meds and they work for bit but then they stop. I am too embarrassed to make another appointment to get them fixed again. I feel like I am trapped in a never ending cycle. I am watching everyone around me grow up. I did not plan on making it this far so I did not make any future plans. Everyone else went to college and is graduating next summer. I have not even fucking started. Everyone else is moving out of their parents house. I cannot find a place to move to with jobs and rent I can make work. I just work a shitty cook job. And I am dumb and quit therapy. I do not know anymore. I am just in revolving door of confusion of what to do and it makes it so much worse. I do not know, I am just rambling",Depression +19768,Just this This,Suicidal +19769,"Just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. I am grateful for the lack of suicidal ideation today, but I have been feeling ugh since yesterday. Just been so busy on top of long work shifts (12 hours). So, yeah, thanks for letting me yell this into the void. Needed it. Feeling like I want to die, but not feeling suicidal.",Depression +19770,"it did not hurt but my head felt like it was going to explode, i never make it past those few seconds another trial run",Suicidal +19771,"I am so sick of opening my phone and seeing that I did not get any notifications, I am tired of people ignoring me, I am tired of people not responding to me. It makes me feel like I am not deserving of peoples time and attention why do not ppl take 5 seconds out of their day to respond to me?????? why am I so unimportant to everyone I hate that every single fucking time I talk to my mom she starts yelling at me or finds a way to turn it into an argument. I am so tired of my siblings treating me like I am background noise, they do not listen to me, they pay attention to their phones rather than what I am saying. Its like they just straight up do not listen to me when I am talking. How am I supposed to get more social if no one likes or respects me? I can never talk about how I feel with anyone because I do not have a therapist or any friends so I just keep my emotions bottled up all day or I just try to turn my emotions off. This is very bad because some days (like today) when I am so tired of everything I explode and I am full of negative emotions. Today I made a joke to my sister and she just said That was not funny. Even though I clearly just enjoyed telling her. I did not say anything else after that but I was really mad in my head. So I told our family group chat that I am sick of them ignoring me all the time and being mean to me for no reason and that I do not want to talk to them anymore. I regret doing that so much because guess what happened? No seriously guys take a wild guess :( they completely ignored how I feel Now they probably think I am a sensitive drama queen. I feel 100 times worse. I feel like I completely overreacted, btw I was not exactly mad because she called me unfunny, ofc I do not expect everyone to laugh at my jokes but I just do not like the fact that she is just so casually mean to me all the time if that makes sense. I do not want to force anyone to be nice to me but like cmon ppl I am a human being too. I did not write this because I want anyone to sympathize for me or pity me lol I just needed a place to vent srry I feel like I do not even exist, I am just here for no reason and I am sick of being ignored",Depression +19772,"My girlfriend (21) discovered a 5 page essay her brother had written about her 3 years ago. It goes into detail about how she used to be really really depressed for 4 years and the effects it had on his and his familys lives. She self harmed, attempted suicide, would cry every night and he could hear it through the walls. she is much much better now and she lives a way happier healthier life. She broke down crying the first time she tried to read it and only got through the second page. She says she needs to read it because it will give her closure. I am afraid she will read it and feel guilty and become depressed again. She knows I am supportive of her with whatever she chooses. If she does read it (which she most likely will) what can I do to help her best? Any suggestions are beneficial this is happening tonight My girlfriend found an essay from her brother",Depression +19773,"Honestly at this point life feels like a burden. I do not see a reason to live anymore. I am ugly and short. Yeah that is my problem. And nothing in the world frustrates me and advices like: Groom yourself, go to gym, skincare, be funny, be confident, be yourself, change yourself. You think I have not done any of those yet? Plus browsing subreddits like amiugly or amihot have depressed me even more because the supposedly ""ugly"" people there are so beautiful. I cannot cope and quite frankly I do not want to live a life where I am underprivileged.Today was my birthday too and I spent it all alone. Every time I see beautiful and nice looking people, I envy them to no extent. I cannot go out. I literally broke down while walking in front of people, when I saw people laughing and holding hands.People often say enjoy your life, eat good food. I cannot man I am sorry I have tried it and it are not working. Like anytime I see someone happy I get jealous. Plus people do not understand what it means to be truly ugly. Please give me a fucking reason to live.To be honest I do not even want to be in a relationship now, I do not want hugs, emotional support or intercourse. I just do not want to live.If you will put wings on me and throw me from a mountain, I would become a stealth aircraft. I am tired of my life.",Suicidal +19774,"Basically, I am 28 years of age, and thanks to this pandemic, I have got nothing anymore. Before all this, I had a lot more going for me than what I do now. I was offered a job in another country where I could have potentially made friends with people and earned decent money. Due to the COVID situation, all that I looked forward to has been ripped away from me. I have been stuck at my parents house with no real friends, and no proper money, only benefits which sucks. I have got depression due to it all, and have been put on medication. The medication does not even work, because my depression is circumstantial. Every day I feel angry and bitter.The couple of friends I thought I had are becoming increasingly inpatient with me complaining and are starting to see me as toxic, but it is not even my fault because COVID ripped it all away. I genuinely have nothing good going for me anymore, and nothing worthwhile to do with my days. I may even be better off dead, for all its worth. I feel I got lucky being offered the job abroad, because prior to that, all I ever had were short term contracts that never lasted, and my CV was a mess. So I was lucky that employer agreed to give me a chance, I doubt Ill ever find that again. My CV is an even bigger mess now due to being unemployed for so long all throughout COVID, so I doubt Ill ever get a job again thanks to this. I did by chance manage to sort out my own place which is all currently in progress, but I am still going to need benefits just to cover the rent and basic essentials, as the economy will be a mess from COVID anyway, plus with nothing to show for myself to an employer, its going to be hard to know how to get a job. I do have a degree, but most of the jobs in the UK either see me as overqualified, or do not want to know me due to my CV. I have lost confidence to even try to apply. I am sick of the worry of everything. I do not know what people can suggest, but any advice is appreciated. I have depression due to this pandemic.",Depression +19775,"First of all, why do we live? For like having a good time? I do not think that is the point. All the evolution which made today's circumstances does not look like to point it. It is so obvious for me after spending my whole life just thinking about stuff, it is all about picking side. Sides of this war between life and death are pretty obvious, yet so hard to see. Either you choose life and fight with the problems that other side put in your life or accept the loose and side with them. Everyone I know think that they are in the life's side. Little they know, it is been so long that they bowed their head to death. Everyone is painting the truth with their lies along with their desires. They just do not want to loose to death so they let the scummers do their job. The world built by human is literally built for the people have power to keep and raise it. Majority of others is ok with it because their only hope is to be in or getting close to those positions. Than what? What would they do if they reach to thier dreams? Sadly, same... They are just fillers who accetped their exintance in that way. No different than any material in the world. Even their behaviour has no freedom to choose other. It is like we all at a cliff and all we can think about is to use others to make us a safe zone. Why we do that if there is an obvious cliff that screams ""nothing"" from below. We all serve to nothingness while we think ""we are doing our best"" to aviod it. So I want to ask again, why do we live? If I will face with nothingness, what does matter about what I do in my life time? What makes something right or wrong? Adding values on it? Because no matter how you live deeply your life, every value made by us destroyed same way. But before that I have to explain what I mean by fight between life and death. Life comes from nothing, and makes something. Death comes from something, and makes nothing. When life try to find ways for not being reachable for death, death tries to find a way to stop life's movement. Like a heart rate, it kept the universe this way to us today. Every decisions we make comes from one of them. It is so heartbroken to see everyone choosing death's side. Because creating is hard work, if you going to do hard work it is better to do what is obvious and served, so everyone falls to the net of the death which is hanging on the cliff. They think it is safe and they covered, but little they know its all part of the plan to ending our existince. I am not delusional neither consiparcy person, it is what is going to happen in the long run as far it seems ... What is a valueable? Is it money? Is it water? Obviusly, whatever we need has a value. The value can change along with the circumstances. For example, life. Life is most valuable thing we have right? I guess not. Because it is only valuable if it means something to someone else. Otherwise, no one cares. It can be person who loves you or can be person who wants to use you. Rather than those, it only has value for you, if you think it is valuable. So here is the question, does your life valuable for you? It is simply a potential source. You could use it to have things, but that is just a possibility. Most of the time people pass before they satisfied with their gains in exchange with their life's. This is why most of the people who wants to suicide because they do not want to be other side of the fight neither to see that they are loosing. I am having the same problem, why do I live if I am going to end up with nothingness with all those pain, only gain is here to have less pain? It is pretty logical to me, but really hard to decide. What is the real problem than? Is it everyone choosing the winning side or is it that there is no hope for the other side? This makes me depressed because I am pretty sure that nothing could beat an honest mind. If the life is able to come from nothingness, than nothing can defeat it. Death is just there to us for improvement, not to make us giving up. We could colonize whole universe and that could be just a freaking beggining. We could choose to be anything yet we choose to be worst. I have no power to change it all, I wish I could live my life by chasing my dreams. Sadly it is not allowed and I am exhausted. I had so much energy, so much willpower but they all been sucked by monsters to place me next to other billions of lost existances. Hope you find a way to fight with it, it seems I will not be able to hold on in close future. I have questions",Suicidal +19776,"honestly I do not want to be here anymore, i am not living, I am tired. I am losing weight losing self love. just constantly falling. detached from life",Depression +19777,"I do not really know why people coming in here i do not really seek for attention or anything but almost 95% of the posts are left dead no comments or reply, without anymore people that here for help or listening it is me or this subreedit is most likely dead like all of us that coming in here it could be ironic that a subreedit that talking about dead and suicide were left empty. Anyways it always been like that you called for help but nobody came What the point of coming in here",Suicidal +19778,god i wish my family hated me. i want to die so bad. like so fucking bad. but i could not do that to my family. the only reason I am alive is because i cannot bare to think of how much it would hurt them. it makes me so mad. if it were not for them i would have killed myself 50 times over. ughhhh it makes me so angry. so yeah that is all. i just really needed to rant a bit. i wish my family hated me,Depression +19779,I owe my parents 30k(They think I have the money)I owe the bank 15kI owe my friend 8kAnd I have 20 dollars in the bank right nowWith a job that only pays me 2.5k a month and the interest rate on the bank loan being so high I just want to end it all why is life so fking cruel to me I am in so much debt,Suicidal +19780,"My personal fav movie of all time is Shawshank Redemption. Feeling depressed, what movies or TV shows should I watch to give me hope?",Depression +19781,The only thing I have any motivation to do is hanging out with my friends. I usually have a great time and sometimes I am even a bit happy for a moment. Why do I always feel so much more depressed after I get home again? Why does it make me feel like this?,Depression +19782,"I used to be extremely hypersexual, but it was frustrating because I was not getting any. Citalopram massively reduced by libido and made it impossible to orgasm, but I did not mind this change at first. At one point I was taking 40mg, which is the highest allowable dose.After tapering off, my sexual function never fully returned and I kind of miss it. it is been over a year now. I was on the drugs for a few years.Prior to antidepressants, even at the age of 27, I would get random erections. I would sometimes get so aroused I would HAVE to masturbate or I would be agitated and could not think about anything else. Not to get too graphic, but I used to get a lot of pre-cum, and when I ejaculated I would squirt quite far, often over my head, and it would be A LOT of volume. It was easy to reach orgasm, and when I did they were intense.Now, the end of my dick is dry and lacks sensitivity. it is really hard to reach orgasm and I am significantly less aroused in the first place. I miss the thrill of trying not to cum prematurely. Now I cannot cum without vigorous stimulation and it does not even feel good. Did your libido never fully recover after quitting antidepressants?",Depression +19783,"Even though I know I have issues...a ton...yesterday, my husband's car was unexpectedly repossessed from our driveway. I CANNOT believe he dodged the problem and hid it from me for so long. I make hella good money. I have a doctorate. Why is my husband such a piece of trash? I just needed to vent. So I am a depressed, over-achieving, perfectionist, ADHD alcoholic and I am about to lose my shit...",Depression +19784,So when I m alone I always get sad that nobody cares of me that I have nobody to talk about my problems but when there is people who starts caring about me b it gets so fucking annoying I get jealous of their other friends I do not even like seeing them fucking happy but when I push those people away I regret doing that and it is starts over and over fucking again Hate being around people but getting sad being lonely,Depression +19785,"I am so sick of opening my phone and seeing that I did not get any notifications, I am tired of people ignoring me, I am tired of people not responding to me. It makes me feel like I am not deserving of peoples time and attention taking literally 5 seconds out of their day for me. I hate that every single fucking time I talk to my mom she starts yelling at me or finds a way to turn it into an argument. I am so tired of my siblings treating me like I am background noise, they do not listen to me, they pay attention to their phones rather than what I am saying just they straight up do not listen to me when I am talking. How am I supposed to get more social if no one likes or respects me? I can never talk about how I feel with anyone because I do not have a therapist or any friends so I just keep my emotions bottled up all day or I just try to turn my emotions off. This is very bad because some days (like today) when I am so tired of everything I explode and I am full of negative emotions. Today I made a joke to my sister and she just said That was not funny. Even though I clearly just enjoyed telling her. I did not say anything else after that but I was really mad in my head. So I told our family group chat that I am sick of them ignoring me all the time and being mean to me for no reason and that I do not want to talk to them anymore. I regret doing that so much because guess what happened? No seriously guys take a wild guess :( they ignored me!! Now they probably think I am a sensitive drama queen and I feel 100 times worse. I did not write this because I want anyone to sympathize for me or pity me lol I just needed a place to vent srry I am so tired of feeling so alone",Depression +19786,#NAME?,Depression +19787,"Yesterday, I started a one week Medical Camp at my high school as I want to become a Neurosurgeon. I am an incoming senior and bonded with this incoming freshmen on the first day- we are lunch and had very similar interests. The next day, this other girl starts to become her new best friend while knowing I am her friend. But honestly, its the freshmans fault for ditching me. I have been very popular throughout schooling and this has never happened before. I felt really down when the freshman and the other girl just walked past me at lunch without even inviting me or asking where I was going. What should I do? And then my mom is going to call me a pathetic loser for telling the freshman girl about my worst enemy who she dances with? I do not even want to go to this camp anymore! Totally I got totally ditched at lunch for Medical Camp by my new friend...",Depression +19788,"Basically just what title says. I have noticed that I become very depressed on hot days. I live in Scotland so hot weather is not exactly very common, and when we get some nice weather I want to be outside enjoying it, but I notice that after being in the sun for a while I become extremely depressed. Why do I feel extremely depressed in hot weather?",Depression +19789,"so I am 25, clinically depressed, I take meds and I am broke going to start working at Amazon and still live with my mom. Went to a Bootcamp to become a data scientist. it is been a year since I have done anything related to the field probably sent like 20napplicaions in total. I feel like it is my depression that keeping me from enjoying things and makes me question do I even like this career? took me 5 years to get my associate's in electrical engineering. Then I switched my major again for the 4th time to data science and here I am questioning if I even want to do this. I am thinking maybe I just need to ignore my feelings of doubt, laziness, stress, anxiety, etc, and just fucking do it. I will be miserable in the short term but maybe in a year or 2 I will finally move out, be independent and maybe be happier? Idk does that sound like a good mindset to have to start moving forward? should I give up on short-term happiness and invest in my long-term happiness?",Depression +19790,"Everything in this world seems so sad and meaningless. I am extremely pessimistic about my future and everything really, and it seems like its all going downhill from this point. I also said my final goodbyes to 2 of my closest/only friends and that was not pleasant really.(posted about it yesterday) I want to jump off a bridge this week",Suicidal +19791,"I have been struggling for years. I am 22 and have been working 40 hours constantly for 5 years. I am over it. Get up, eat, work, chill, sleep, repeat. I do not want to do it anymore. All I can think of is getting a job in the animal field because at least then I would not mind working for 60+ more years. I understand needing to work to get money but it is such a vicious cycle and I am still broke half the time anyway. I am hiding in the bathroom on my 3rd bathroom break of the day just trying to hide. My work is not that hard but knowing this is my life for 60+ years just makes me think there is no point I have many other issues too but this whole going to work thing gets under my skin. I have an issue with seeing any future for myself. I know tomorrow will happen but I cannot picture. I cannot picture next week or 2 years from now. But I can picture myself working for 60+ years. that is all I picture. Even if I have a nice house, family, pets and money. I still have to go work. Pause my life and sit for 8 hours for someone else who is off living on an island for 300 days a year.I am burnt out already at 22 60+ more years of this???",Suicidal +19792,"I think to the point when I get tension headaches. And that is when I cannot think anymore. that is when I just have a headache and hate myself a lot without any logic. Although I still hate myself even when I think. For the things I cannot even control. I am such a loser. I was blessed to be born in Iran, a 3rd world garbage county. And I was also blessed by being lgbt in this fucking place, to spice it up my family is also broke and do not accept me. Sometimes I think my dad did not even want a kid.. But then again, I keep thinking if I had anything that I ever wanted, if all my issues disappear, would I be happy? I do not know. Happiness feels like really non existent concept. it is all the naive happiness when I was a kid. I am like 17 now. It feels like nothing absolutely matters. I did not know what matters anymore except my 2 friends. But I feel like a damn burden with these amount of issues that I have + how much I hate myself and how much of a loser I am. I am constantly thinking they are going be tired of me soon enough They are so kind and sweet, but it feels like In the long run maybe even they would be happier to not have me.Thing is, I think I do not want to die. I do not know why. It just seems like this is not the way. This is not it. Thoughts of offing myself keep popping to my head and make me feel like it can be a solution and it annoys me so much. But I want to live. I am just so lost and confused and I feel like Idk what is it that can be done. I just.. idk. I really do not know. I keep crying like a baby at times. With this broken sense of mine. Self hatred to death, but I want to live",Depression +19793,I wish I did not exist Everybody hates me,Suicidal +19794,"You could not save me, you let me dieGiving fake assurances, you always lied.For once i thought i had a hand, Now it feels like it traps me like quicksand.Oh lord this darkness traps me,Keeps pulling me down towards it,Until i feel like resting somewhere,But only to know there is more of it.Yet you tell me to keep trying,that is a lot of encouragement i must say,Though it encourages me to die in some way,Yes you heard it, die in some way.You say i do it all for sympathy,And i accept all you say,But for once did you think""Why do not i give him even if its sympathy""I will not curse you that you face the same,I would rather die and leave me to be blamed.After i die, do not cry, just look up in the sky and say, ""Earth must be feeling lighter now"" YOU could not SAVE ME",Suicidal +19795,They love me so much. But I am a incapable failure. They deserved someone much better than me. I do not deserve my parents love.,Suicidal +19796,"Married guy, 35, with bipolar 2, ADHD, major depression, major anxiety, I suspect I might also have autism. I also have several chronic medical issues that have me in a level of pain between a 7 and 10 on the daily. And I have started losing control of my ability to function lately. I cannot muster the energy to clean myself much less the house. I hurt all the time physically and mentally. Nothing brings me joy. I am on autopilot. I am constantly forgetting everything. My poor wife is basically my secretary making sure I take my meds, go to my doctor appointments, keep my own side business running, etc. It just feels like the time to end it is drawing ever closer. Closeted new asexual and it has finally started to have an affect on my wife. My depression and anxiety just keeps dragging me further down the pit of despairso even if I wanted I could not perform. My anxiety and anger is getting to be too much. I can hardly concentrate at work and its starting to become a problem as well. I am seeing a therapist and taking meds but nothing seems to be working. And I am just making my wife miserable with my own wretched misery. I do not want to be alive anymore. I have thought about selling my stuff. I have googled the meds I take to see if an OD would kill me. I also own a gun and have access to sharp objects. The one thing keeping me from ending it is what it would do to my wife. Sure she would emotionally be ok after a while but she would lose the house, would end up losing the business she is worked so hard to start. And she knows she is the only thread keeping me hanging on, which just adds to her misery even more. Its almost like a catch 22. I do not know why I am here really. I am too much of a coward to actually do it. But I also do not have anyone I can tell my tale of oh woe is me.. I suppose the lack of energy is a good thing since it keeps me from working up the courage to actually do it. Feels like the time is drawing near",Suicidal +19797,I have become a sort of caretaker for someone with depression. Hes my boyfriend and has struggled for a long time but seems to have lost hope on getting better. Rejects therapists and in person programs because of their lack of success in the past. I want to help him help himself. It seems like no one in our area truly wants to help and its all just about money. Therapists are hard to get into and remote therapy has not been successful. We did ER stays to get quick referrals and everything I can think of. Help What has worked for you??? Give me some hope please,Depression +19798,"Not much to say, procrastinated 3 years since 14 so I would not get far in life. Maybe my brain knew the suffering ahead would not be worth it. Failing at everything letting everyone misunderstand what I do just not caring anymore. do not bother with the links and numbers. Farewell Earth it is the end of my days.",Suicidal +19799,"i woke up one morning to hear my grandparents were going to be divorced after 25 years of a tedious and manipulative marriage. I sat there with my grandfather, torn to pieces seeing his wife leave him after so many years. He looked old, tired and absolutely void of all motivation to live. Insightful as ever being myself I sat there and thought Is this all there really is to life? Fake feelings and agony? I began to realize life had no real meaning and everything is quite literally pointless. Nobody really makes a difference because we do not even know why we are here or what the fuck we are. Birth is a burden and life is just a timer counting down until the moment you disappear and finally go to whatever the fuck comes next.i told my dad about my thoughts and he only told me what I have been told before that there is a purpose. I find this to be a lie and honestly i feel rather terribly enlightened now that i realize nothing has purpose . It may have ruined me and now I think about killing myself all the time literally everyday and life without me in it because it all means nothing but my family loves me too much. I can no longer enjoy anything I do because I know it holds no real value, Love will never be real and I am but one of 7.5 billion other fucks who just are in the same spot i am. I plan on dying in college , quickly and very effortlessly. I will leave the world and become of whatever I used to be. There is no purpose to anything and I am now fully aware. Months go by only ticking away to my death date, why wait so long when you can do it now. do not die if you do not want to. I just want to erase myself because I am not the same person i was and i have lost all value in my life. Thanks. horrific clarity, 17M",Suicidal +19800,just asking for a friend what is the most painless way to die?,Suicidal +19801,"So this happened a few months ago. I just set an appointment, and just told him. I did not give myself time to pussy out or think twice. This is such a big deal for me because I am usually extremely reticent and withholding with my thoughts in general, but so much more so with those two :D)). FUCKING FELT GREAT TO START WORKING ON IT. I told my therapist I have depression and anorexia",Depression +19802,Hey there I am 20 Mi had a beary good friendship with someone for more than 4 years nownow a day i feel really far from him and i do not want to losesince we passed our bacaloria exam everyone hit his own roadnowaday we meet but it seems we do not talk about any thingit is a normal thing or it is just me imagining things and if it is something how can i solve it Do all friendship dies,Depression +19803,I work a boring ass job making shit money in the insurance industry. I have no time to apply to other jobs because e they are working me till almost midnight every night (thanks to work from home). I am so depressed um and I feel like this is such a dead end but I cannot just quit like others will suggest. I have Crohns and need insurance to get my infusions and medications. I am 28 so I cannot be on my parents insurance if I were to leave unfortunately. This job may actually be the death of me My job is pushing me to the edge but cannot leave,Depression +19804,Been about 2 hours. Not much more to Read here i just wanted to tell. I self harmed for the first time today :(,Depression +19805,"Hi all. I am asking for your help. Any of you have experience of isolating from everyone and finally being able to contact your friends and family again? I am in the middle of not being able to talk to my friends, but scared of losing everyone if I keep being a hermit. After how long period of time did you contact them and how did it go? I also had a very promising dating going on with the sweetest girl, but I do not believe she will want to see me after this... How to reconnect after depressive episode? Friends and possible future gf about to thrift away...",Depression +19806,"Sometimes the numbness and sadness is replaced with rage. there is days when I feel hatred and anger oozing out of every pore on my body. An indescribable fury overwhelms me and nothing I do makes me feel better. So, I close myself away. I do this because I know if anyone attempts to speak to me I feel the need to lash out and tell them everything I dislike about them, how much I hate them, point out all their flaws, and bring them down as much as possible. I am like a rabid animal and I am locking myself away to protect others. I hate you and everything about you. do not touch me. do not look at me. do not speak to me.I realize there is no reason to feel this angry, but I do. And Id rather feel nothing than feel this much hate. It feels like a sickly venom just flowing through my body and I hate it. This is not me. I am not hateful or angry. fury and anger and rage",Depression +19807,"I am not really the type to think about suicide/death because one of my old closest friend committed suicide, but recently I have thought about killing myself .Who would have thought that the month you were born in would be shit, 2 weeks ago I confessed to my ex, she still has not gave me an answer , last week I get in trouble by my boss because at where I work I drive this tractor i drove to close to them and I drive to fast, even though Another co-worker drives faster and closer than I do. Then I am getting blamed for nothing I did and now this week I accidentally hit another tractor. I have really thought about leaving the tractor on and getting under it and make it run me over ( note the tractor has a cultivator behind it) July is a shitfest for me",Suicidal +19808,"my nausea got worse last night just when i thought it was getting better. I am very anemic and my iron is very low, and i can no longer tell if my nausea is related to my anxiety or something else. if its the latter then they will probably send me through all sorts of tests and nothing will come back positive so they will just chalk it up to my anxiety or acid reflux. i cannot stay like this, i cannot do anything with my life if I am stuck in bed. i do not want to live like this. i want to be better but that seems unattainable. I am tired of being sick. I am emetophobic and a hypochondriac with medical trauma so this has been absolute torture for me, and a life of illness is not one that i can lead. please i just want to get better, but if i cannot do that then i want to die. i cannot keep living like this",Suicidal +19809,I drank this past weekend (just a few Trulys) and I can already tell that my Prozac is not working as well as it was. Does anyone know about long until it starts to be effective again? Drinking & Prozac,Depression +19810,I do not want to overstep my bounds or even be insensitive about your situation but if you are autistic and reading this can you comment what makes you feel suicidal Genuine Question on Autism,Suicidal +19811,"Today, my parents and I had a conversation about my future. I told them I just wanted a job with a decent paycheck, because as long as you have enough money to get by that is all that matters right? They told me that I am too young to specifically choose a job, and then my dad asked me whether I liked sciences or arts more. Personally, I like arts more, but I do not even have any fucking time to learn to draw and animate. Why, you may ask? it is because my mom signed me up for so many classes that, especially during the weekdays, I hardly even have time to sit down. I cannot teach myself because digital art software always costs money and I cannot pay for anything online because I am too young to have PayPal, and it takes time that I do not have to learn how to use the software. Anyways, back to the conversation with my parents, I told them that I do not really have any choice but to become a doctor, and my dad said that I do not have to, but then he also told me that I should not really choose arts because apparently it is vague and you cannot really get a job in that. Then, both my parents started going on and on about how I should focus on my studies. My dad even told me that I should stop watching TV and YouTube and playing video games. Using social media and YouTube is my only refuge, the only thing that gets even remotely close to making me feel better. I am too young to choose a specific career path but too old to relax? It just does not make sense to me. He told me that it would only be until I finish my O-Levels and A-levels (O and A Levels are what we have for high school in my country, O-Levels is 3 years and A-Levels is 2 years), but I know very well that I will be just as busy even after graduating. I do not really like studying, I do not even have a favorite subject anymore because of how much I hate studying, it just makes me feel so trapped, that shoving my face in textbooks all day is the only way to success. Both my parents kept saying that I have to work hard, work hard, but to me getting out of bed is hard enough, let alone working. I did not mention that whatever mental illness I have (I have not been diagnosed yet so I cannot be sure) makes doing anything hard for me, because they would say that it is laziness not mental illness. Who knows, maybe I am just a lazy ass trying to make excuses. I told my parents that I did not want to become a doctor because it is not my passion and it is stressful. My dad told me, ""Oh it is not that stressful you can work in a clinic 9 to 5"" My mom tried to tell me some story about how she wanted to become a banker but she could not and that I cannot achieve my dreams because imagination is different from reality. Yeah, I already know that, I did not need her to remind me. I tried to tell her that I already know, but my dad said something along the lines of, ""Oh why did you stop her like that that is disrespectful is that how you talk to your mom?"" I had no choice but to stop that conversation because I was about to cry, and whenever I cry in front of my parents they give me shit advice when 90% of the time when I cry I really just want to be cuddled until I feel better. All in all, the conversation confused me, because my parents told me that whatever job I get should make me happy and that they are not forcing me to be a doctor, but at the same time what they said was definitely trying to push me towards becoming a doctor. Why else would they be telling me how good becoming a doctor is?Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it is time to say goodbye to me wanting to be an animator, or a voice actor, or an author or maybe a teacher, because I have to become a doctor to pay the bills and it is also my duty apparently to make my parents happy and to take care of them when they get old.However, if this is the life I have to live, I do not want to live at all.Goodbye dreams, it was nice knowing you. it is so fucking painful knowing that I have to let go of my dreams",Suicidal +19812,"I have struggled with depression for a long time. I go through cycles of being good and then I slip back into a depression.. it can last anywhere from a few days to weeks to months. Over the years I have learned how to identify when I am starting to slip into a depression. Messier house, sleeping more, not caring about work (even though I just got my dream job), not showering, not talking to people etc. But I do not know how to fix it. I deactivated my social medias today as well.. which I have never done. Idk. Its scary to feel the start of the downward slope and know you are going to end up in a hole you cannot climb out of. I am just kind of ranting but I just needed to get it out. I feel myself slipping",Depression +19813,"I do not know if it this is apropriate for this subreddit, but i do not really fell suicidal anymore - just been doing a lot more self harm, lately. I like to have a beer or something, but lately I just do it to hurt myself. I have not been caring bout my health either. I feel bad and do not take any medicine, and if I take them, I make sure I take a lot of them. I do not know if you get it - I am doing little things, everyday, just to hurt myself, or expecting it would hurt me. Self Harm",Suicidal +19814,"There was a time when I had so many friends but I never thought they would ruin my life......after I left their shade I have never grew innards to make other friends now in my teens I am alone. No one is there to share my pain, my sadness. It hurts to have no friends.",Depression +19815,"I have 10 mins to write this because I have to work. But my financial situation has changed drastically and will continue to change so now I definitely have to work 40 hrs. If I did not want to unalive myself every waking moment and was not touch starved, I probably could work 40hrs like every other American adult. Its not me being lazy I just know being at work all the time will deteriorate my soul more than it already is. But I have to. This is adulthood apparently. My emotions do not matter. My mental health does not matter. My happiness does not matter. I work and pay off my loans. that is it. that is life. Idk how to cope with having to be a wage slave",Depression +19816,"I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for a few years now and it has made even the most basic daily activities and interactions feel like a chore. Since my life is going haywire now I have finally decided to seek professional help or e-counselling sessions if possible.Are there any free online counselling services available in India? Those that provide counsellings via calls, emails or video chats. And if yes, can anyone help me out with them? Also should I opt for free counselling online or rather paid ones (which is pretty expensive considering I am just an undergrad rn) Seeking help",Depression +19817,"So my wife and I just had our second child. People said having two kids is not 2x the work, it is more like 10x. And they are right. The oldest one is screaming and running around, doing everything he possibly can to harm himself, while the new one wants a boob every second of the day and waits until the oldest starts acting up before shitting all over himself and crying. I work from home full time. it is not easy.So in the midst of this utter chaos my wife says to me in a desperate tone, ""is not this the most difficult thing you have ever done?"" Immediately, without thinking, I said, ""No. Depression is the most difficult thing in my life."" And that got me thinking. Yeah, this is a difficult time. Kids, work, bills, house, family, health, my wife and I's relationship, and so on and so on... it is all tough. it is stressful and can sometimes be overwhelming.But, compared to when I was deep in depression? it is nothing. Compared to when I would have to say in my head ""left, right, left, right"" so I would keep walking, because everything inside me was pulling me down to the ground, it is fucking easy. Compared to the times when picking my clothes off the floor was literally impossible, or when I had planned out the place and method for taking my life and could focus on nothing except that, or when I would break down crying because for the 100th day in a row I was eating every single meal alone. Nothing in my somewhat normal life at this moment comes anywhere near the difficulty of dealing with depression.I will always be depressed. there is not a single day that I do not have the feeling of not wanting to live. I should probably look into medication, but for now I have it mostly under control. My wife has never dealt with what I have dealt with, so for her this new phase of our lives is the hardest thing she is ever dealt with. The realization I had after my wife asked me that question is that since getting my depression somewhat under control, NOTHING is too difficult. Nothing comes close to the pain and suffering depression has caused me. I sincerely hope all of you can escape its deadly grasp and realize how strong you are because of it. I was asked a question that opened my eyes to how far I have come.",Depression +19818,"that is it. I have to keep my job because I will be homeless without it, my debt is climbing because I am not paid very well, 2nd kid is on the way, I have no idea how I will pay for the delivery... Every night, I just hope I do not wake up 9-5 grind is fucking killing me",Depression +19819,Does this happen to anybody else? here is some context: I was diagnosed with severe depression last spring and was able to find the right medication for me which has helped tremendously. I recently started a new job and can manage to keep up a good mental for the first 4-5 hours but I then hit a wall. Its usually around lunch.I doubt I am alone when feeing this way. What do you guys do when this happens or what do you do to prevent this in the first place. Lose Motivation Half Way Through the Day,Depression +19820,"Hello all! I am 14 and have been diagnosed with combination type ADHD, depression, OCD, general anxiety, and social anxiety. I have extreme issues with doing literally anything, especially studying. I have tried all the study tools in the world yet nothing helps. My therapist's only idea is to do exposure therapy which seems to be her solution to practically all my issues, yet it is too draining for me. Does anyone have some advice on how to deal with this? I am already on meds (60mg of duloxetine and 2 of abilify) and am looking for a new therapist. Studying with OCD, depression, and ADHD",Depression +19821,"Free to live, but not to die. America, land of the free...",Suicidal +19822,"I have BPD. It controls my entire life. I feel nothing. I feel so empty but at the same time angry/sad/anxious. I want to turn it off. I do not think happiness is a realistic goal for me. I have been in therapy, took DBT courses and take medication. But I still feel this way and its getting worse. All I ever wanted was to be happy. I wish I could die without making my loved ones feel bad. I want it to stop",Suicidal +19823,"I have (19F) been, making it for the past two and a half years when my life began to spiral down. it is been a living hell having to hide so much and live like a worthless, poor excuse of a human to my family, friends, and even boyfriend. I do not deserve the stuff I get and when I do, I feel bad. Let me explain, my parents have loved me and my Mom tries her best to make me feel as though I am not a burden on the family. My Dad showers me in goods and does his best to spend time with me. My brothers on the other hand love to remind me how useless I am and even one for their wives reminds me of my uselessness. At least my middle brother's wife is sweet and says she is proud of me for going to college and getting a life out there. But one of my brother's wife, brothers, and sometimes even my Dad reminds me of my uselessness. I cannot explain the feeling of dread everyday and the fact that I am such a nervous wreck, I cannot keep my first job or learn how to drive. I have been sitting at home, wasting away, doing chores, helping out, and feel like a leech for not being able to be independent like I hoped I would be by now. I feel as though I have let not only my family and loved ones down, but mostly myself. I have endured a lot as a kid. Loads of endless, non-stop bullying in my younger years when I was 7, creepers being creepy, adults enabling the torment I ended up receiving as a child, adults arguing, sickness, loss, loneliness, abandonment, and the list goes on.I want to be happy and see the light at the end of the dark tunnel, but I cannot seem to escape the cold hard reality that life just gets worse and everyone will be gone eventually. I consider myself the stick in the wheel, the rock in the gears, or even the knot in a string. I hold everyone back.it is making me think things before that I have been for years now and I cannot seem to get rid of the thought of having the sweet release of death. To rid me of the pain that is life, me.I know I should not be thinking these things but it is been so difficult and I am so disappointed in myself, I cannot help but think for ways to escape. I feel so gut wretchedly alone, it is unbearable. To the point where I feel like I barely have a life at all.",Suicidal +19824,What gets you motivated just do anything? I have been in a slump the last week or two. I can barely get of bed at this point. A couple days I have managed to get myself out of my apartment but generally I have not done much besides lay in bed or lay on my couch.My apartment needs to get cleaned. Its not terrible but definitely is not as clean as I usually keep it.I managed to get some laundry in but I just have no energy. How to get motivated,Depression +19825,"I gave up on a job for another one the just paid better foolishly thinking ""Nothing ventured, Nothing gained"" but after about three weeks I got fired for my productivity not being up to par. I tried my best and still failed. Everybody wishes their best for me and I fail at every turn. I cannot face them, how am I suppose look at them in confidence and be okay? I am just sitting here, for hours. My chest sank and keeps sinking, I am losing my mind, and on verge of tears. What can I do? I am a failure, I am so stupid that it hurts",Depression +19826,Currently at a stage of deep apathy and a lack of motivation to do anything besides sit at home all day and stare at a computer screen.What are some things you do or strategies you have which you have found helpful in dealing with this issue? What are your strategies to cope with a lack of motivation?,Depression +19827,"I am used to being an afterthought. I am used to being ignored when i send up every warning sign that I am an active danger to myself. I am used to being left to pick up my own pieces, and to struggling alone in vain to hold myself together. but i cannot take it anymore. i just want someone to give a shit that I am going to disappear forever and i guess that is why I am posting on reddit for the first time in my life. i do not want to be talked out of it, i just want someone, anyone, to care. i posted my note on social media 17h ago and no one cares",Suicidal +19828,"I am just done with life. I do not care if there are good things waiting for me in the future. And I do not care that my death will because pain to others, I never asked to be brought into this world so I am not going to stay alive for the sake of others. The only reason I am here to type this is because I cannot get a gun where I live I do not want to get better, I want to fucking die",Depression +19829,"So I run a club at my local university, I am president. There are several members who maybe out of jealousy dislike me immensely. I know this for a fact because they constantly question anything I do, and make dumb impressions of me. They frequently try to ""roast"" me if you get what I mean, and not in the funny, friendly way, just plain rudely. Yesterday, I said, I have reached ""1k games, if you count the other website"". One of them, let us call him ""T"" exclaims ""Great you can do math!"". Stuff like that, every single day, and they constantly criticize and question for me. But here is where I draw the line. There is a girl I like, and I have never told anyone, but one of the members who hates me is going after her, and trying to call her and stuff. I do not know what he is saying behind my back, but I guarantee it is negative stuff, probably like ""I am gay or something"", or something negative like ""He has problems"". I am furious, I do not have proof, but yesterday he hinted in a very laughably way ""I was talking to this GIRL for 3 hours lol"" and he was laughing. I trust her, but I am very hurt that I am being targeted like this, I do not want to resign as president over something as silly as this, but it is getting me to the point where I am very visibly stressed and depressed. What should I do? The girl is overseas so it is impossible for them to harass other than frequently call/text, etc. Am I being a worrywart? Should I just chill? What would you do? Bulling friends, and people who have grudges against me",Depression +19830,"It seems like it is impossible to get appointments without getting a private therapist, who are expensive af. Free services like the suicide hotline, forums etc can help but are not long term solutions. Medications can be expensive with or without insurance. It seems like so many people wanting help just get ignored. Then we are blamed for having breakdowns, self harming and suicide. Sucks Why are mental health care services so inaccessible?",Depression +19831,"Just swimming, swimming, swimming until one day I can finally stop. I feel like a fish in a fishbowl",Depression +19832,"I am looking for a good book to read and learn from. Something that can help me learn how to be in more control in how I respond to daily life, criticism, uncomfortable or threatening scenarios, and just general positive and/or negative conversations.About me: I am someone who has been clinically diagnosed with PTSD with Anxiety attacks, depression, and general anxiety. I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive home and suffered throughout life as a kid. Honestly, it felt like i was bullied and abused most of my life. Since becoming an adult and I am more self aware and I really want to turn things around! After being clinically diagnosed, I decided to pursue therapy. I was in therapy for a couple years but I ended up losing the privilege of having access to therapy due to insurance and being broke. I really do not want to take medication but its getting to the point that idc anymore and i just want to be drugged up. I really really hate how much I struggle with my mental health and I want to have this bitch in check and not let my surroundings or other ppl in my head. At one point in my life, before covid, I felt like I had (most of) it under control. Sure, I had my bad days still but nothing like before. With the pandemic, i feel my mental health has gradually gotten worse again. I freak out with certain triggers, i get scared of what ppl think or say of me, and its even harder when it feels the worlds against me when receiving harsh criticism. (Ex: my mother says things like: this is why bad shit happens to you or now i understand why you got abused) After I calm down from my panic attacks, I always feel so defeated and even worse. I end up isolating myself and just crying the rest of the day and laying in bed until the next day because I cannot stop replaying my life history. I WANT THAT TO STOP. I just want to learn how to stop letting things get to me. Basically learn to be careless or not care for all the right reasons. Sorry if my post is all over the place. I just had a breakdown right before typing this. -TIA Any good books/reads to recommend? Any helpful advice even?",Depression +19833,"I try. I fail. Its all worth nothing. There is really no point at all to trying to get out of this cycle. Only suffering and the awaiting pain of failure await. I try in vain to combat this feelings, but life just keeps letting me know it is all futile. This existence is agonizing. This life is daunting. I have nothing to hope for, nor nothing to keep me grounded here. it is amazing I am not suicidal yet. I have absolutely no idea why, when all I get is shit. Everyone around me has a plan or some semblance of happiness. Yeah they have have their problems, but they somehow go through life making it all look so easy. Meanwhile here I am, this sad and pathetic sack of useless flesh. Why the fuck am I still here? I am reverting back to my old, depressed self and I just do not care anymore.",Depression +19834,"If you do not do it right you could be suffering even more until your body gives out or you will succeed and leave behind grieving loved ones who will be forever traumatized by you taking your life.I wish it were easy, painless and a way for loved ones to forget you ever existed so you do not hurt them. it is not fair that suicide is so hard.",Suicidal +19835,"I never thought I would be in a mental place like this. I graduated undergrad last year (2020) in the midst of COVID and made it through. I was the happiest college student ever. I had a 4.0, involved at school, inspired to start working, eager to begin a career, and adaptable when COVID disrupted my norm. I applied to graduate school and was awarded a graduate assistantship position, what a dream! It paid for my school and I got to re create my senior year that was rudely interrupted. My best friend was coming too and I got to work 20 hours a week and go to night class, something I was already used to. I started the year nervous, just like any new student does and I quickly adjusted. I made amazing friends, started going out, found my passion for marketing again through my GA position and my amazing supervisor and I had literally never been happier. Then, the year flew by and poof graduation was here and I have fallen into the deepest depression ever. I have battled with anxiety and depression and some minuscule suicidal thoughts in the past (typically when change happens) but nothing to this extreme. I was such a happy student. I love school and learning more than anything and now I do not know who I am. I do not want to get up everyday and work 8-5 (by the way fuck everyone who said it was 9-5 because its definitely 8-5). Luckily I got a job soon after graduation, negotiated a salary and am working in my career field everyone looks at me like what else could you want? I want my life back, MY life. I want to be a student, I want to be in an environment where I am comfortable and not wanting to drive off a bridge every morning I drive to work, its exhausting. I am doing the therapy thing, I am on anti depressants, but nothing works. I read suicide stories every day on reddit and listen to self-help podcasts on the way to work. I recognize my mental disorders, I am probably the most competent patient my therapist has but the depression does not care. I know I am smart, I know I am good at what I do, I know I have love and support around me, but none of it matters. I think about ways to kill myself every day. I do not want to hurt anyone that loves me, I do not want to feel this way but my brain literally cannot see the positives. The future looks like a black hole that I can never get out of. I depended so heavily on school and that environment that I do not know how to operate outside of it. I am helpless. I have the means to end it all, I am absolutely terrified of what comes next, but sometimes that does not seems as bad as living my new life the way it is. I am so fucking tired of feeling this way. imposter syndrome",Suicidal +19836,"Idk who will read this but hello to whoever is reading this, hope you r having a great day, this msg is just a rant about my life so farWhen I am writing this, it is like 12 am, I just finished calling with my friends. For the past year, I have been thinking to myself that, man. I suck at everything I do, like my grades are bad, I cannot study without being distracted, I cannot enjoy doing my hobbies if I cannot do it right. And now I think I suck at video games, I lose everytime me and my friends play I cannot find a video game that I enjoy without losing and shit. When you lose in a video game you probably get sad, my friends are all like, it is just a video game, enjoy. But how can I enjoy it when I do is lose and shit.I have also lost interested in everything, i feel like I cannot do it right even if I do it, there will always have someone who is better than me, I always set high expectations for myself, no matter what it is. Like if I cannot win or do the best bitch I am a failure. And recently I have discover that parents hitting their kids is not normal, I have been fucking hit, whipped, slap by my parents all my life thinking it is normal. If I do not get 1st in the grade, better not go home you are about to get a whoopin. I still think it is normal tbh. I cannot do what they expected tho. If I do not have an interest in the thing I am doing, I cannot do it right, I do not have interest in anything.Right now, I am in the state where I just want to stay at home, sleep, cry and starve. I do not want to talk to my friends. I want to play solo player games. Like those otome(idk if it is the world) games. I feel lonely hanging with my irl friends. I feel more connect to fictional characters, I feel they care more about me than my friends does. I always say that I want them to be real, be my friends. And my irl friends say that I am a simp and shit, but in reality, I just want people to really give a shit about me.And at last, of course, god fucking decided my life is not bad enough so he took my dog's life away. I am doing great. Hopr you are as well Life",Depression +19837,"I keep going through periods/cycles where everything starts to build up and feel overwhelming, getting worse and worse over time. The feeling of hopelessness and being worthless gets more intense, I get more anxious, have panic attacks and get more irritated. I feel more overwhelmed with everything. Stress gets to me more. To the point where Id rather die or kill myself than deal with the stress/life. Thoughts like life is pointless and not worth it also get more intense. I am trying to think of everything. Oh I isolate myself. I dissociate more often. Basically, all the shit I feel regularly feels more and more intense.Eventually I reach this point where it feels like I just cannot take it anymore, I cannot take being in my own mind. I cry and feel so frustrated, everything just feels so overwhelming I almost seriously consider doing something about it. Where its like this is it, I should just do it But I do not. And after that peak for the next few days I feel fine. Like everything is great and I feel motivated. Like yeah everything is great and its all going to be great I almost feel alive, like I am on a high. But slowly reality sets in and here we go all over again. Can anyone offer advice or an explanation?",Depression +19838,"it is crazy to think how many people undervalue the significance of a family that genuinely cares and looks after them. A father that is not a selfish psychopathic lunatic, a brother that is not a delusional sociopathic prick or a mother that is an irrationally fragile creature. Imagine being stuck in the same house for almost 18 years with nowhere to go, no freedom, no rights, no dignity, no respect, no nothing. No friends to hang out with, no relatives to call on, no girlfriends to talk to. I have been subjected to physical, mental and emotional torture and abuse from a very early age both at home and school. Every waking moment of my life is nothing but filled with despair, sorrow and guilt. Misfortune after misfortune, failure at every waking step. If that was not enough I also suffer from extreme emotional trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder....the list goes on. I cannot even put into scale the level of emotional breakdown I endured as an 11 year old all the way through now, all of those years and I never had a therapist or counsellor. You are probably wondering why I never called one. Well the thing is I just cannot and the reason for that is because my father happens to be the cheapest mf on this planet. This guy does not spend any money on anything whatsoever rather then buying groceries and essential home restorations or articles. He saves each and every penny just for his pension, that is all he cares about. I cannot even report for abuse or neglect since he is extremely manipulative and a drama queen. He would simply spin the narrative around to blame the whole thing on me backed by my brother and mother. Why would anyone even believe me since I am only a kid. I cannot go anywhere, I cannot do anything; there is no one to help me. There is just hopelessness and self loathing from the moment I rise in the morning to the moment I retire to bed, the same cycle, the same shit. Every day, every week, every month; nothing changes. I cannot even fathom how I have not gone insane after all this shit. There was so much I wanted to do in life, discover and explore, find a meaning or purpose, get married, have kids, maybe even do some volunteer work. it is all in vain now, everything's a waste. Nevertheless it does not matter anyway, I am not looking for some sympathy or consolation or anything, that phase has already passed out ages ago. Anyway.... thanks for reading my post, I am really glad you took the time to come all the way down here, it is probably the most someone has ever done for me. Keep thriving... A life well lived",Suicidal +19839,i just found this one & i do not know how i did not find it before. I am in tears goodbye (I am sorry) - jamestown storywhat are some of your favs? best songs about suicide,Suicidal +19840,You rained on meon a dry sunny dayI loved to get wetwith youI made a mistake you made mistakes and I forgive youI hope you success in your my loveI love you Rainbye forever donr forget ypu are self centered and a bit pranois so you think people just forget other people like yo do.some people nevwr forget some people love by heart kust like you live bye heart.see you in another life maybe we could be happy there17.10.97/ 14.07.21 Rain drops ending in my chest full of desert now no rain expected bye everyone it s been a pleasure being in here with kind people. I found love and lost love hear.,Suicidal +19841,"What can I do?What can I say?that will make it all -- go away.Life has already shot it is bullet.Can I outpace it or do I just stay?&#x200B;&#x200B;A vast draught of emotions lay here.To witness pain, happiness, and fear.Is just another day in a life we hold so dear?&#x200B;&#x200B;Is it just cruel fate or by design of not being fair?""you will eventually be happy"" as I face another evil snare.Is life supposed to make happiness a commodity so rare?Was I born wrong in time or place or was it simply wrong to be born?I do not know and the fact I most likely will not ever has me the most scared.&#x200B;Is the seconds of joy really worth hours of pain?The answer is obvious, and I should put the toxicity down the drain.But the torment does not leave, only upon friends and family it shall rain.&#x200B;So I write the poem, an attempt to escape my brain.A decision I feel is right but so wrong drives me insane.Until my final breath the only thing I can do is...HOPE FOR A BETTER DAY A poem I wrote about my thoughts",Suicidal +19842,"I may be stupid but quick question. If self worth is not determined by what you do, what you have done, and what others think of you then what is it determined by? Everyone says what its not determined by but no one says what it is? Also if it is not determined by other people what is the point to ur worth? What does determine self worth?",Depression +19843,"I do not know when exactly, but I know it was recent. A switch just flipped my head and I no longer want to bother with living.My depression has gotten worse, from bi-monthly episodes to several times a week. I am anxious to the point of where I am in pain every time I wake up, I have been crying at work, I am losing my appetite, my meds no longer work, and I am too tired and sad to even indulge myself in my hobbies when I get home.I work just to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head, only to go home and sleep, but I dread going to work and putting on a happy face every day.I was trying push on for my family, but I cannot take it anymore. Literally the only thing keeping me going on at this point are the student loans I have to pay off. I do not want my family stuck with the bill, so after a few more months of work, I am paying them off in bulk, then I am done.I do not know if this is due to some other underlying condition, like an organ failure that is messing with my head, but honestly I do not care. An organ failure would actually help me since I would not have to come up with a non-messy way to off myself. I officially, finally, lost the will to live.",Depression +19844,"Hi all I am switching to Effexor. Trintellix was my first AD in many years it really took away my suicidal idealization and crying fits. Now were going to Effexor because it is cheaper and also works well on anxiety. Anyone like Effexor? I have not had any side effects at my 37.5 2x daily. Please keep the negatives to a minimal, I am trying to go into this with a positive outlook.Thank:) Weening off of Trintellix, going to Effexor. Any comments?",Depression +19845,"Hello everyone, I am just here looking for some advice. I have been struggling lately, and I am having a hard time getting out of this rut I am in and it is impacting my life, so I need help. I am a disabled veteran, dealing with some health issues that have my morale fairly low for the most part, and on top of that I am neck deep in homework assignments and tests for the summer classes I am enrolled in to speed up the process of getting my degree. The summer semester is shorter, and I mistakenly took some of my more difficult courses this time around and I am struggling to keep pace, and having a hard time motivating myself to do the work I need to pass the classes and keep working towards my degree. I have fallen behind, I am not taking care of myself physically or mentally, and I feel like a failure to both myself and my S/O. I do not know how to pull myself back up on my feet to keep going, and I would really just like some words of encouragement or ideas to help get the fire going again, because I am scared of all the effort I have put in going to waste because I cannot convince myself to keep trying. Ways to bounce back from feeling overwhelmed and burnt out?",Depression +19846,"Giving me mood stabilizers will not make me feel better like all these years never happenedI cannot wait any longer, this is the longest day ever and it is not even close to endingI know they will not give me anything for weeks to say the least and I have been waiting and putting everything away for too much timeThey're just letting me suffer on purpose, how can they think somebody who is told you about dropping themself off a roof and that has obviously tried to kill themself in the past can stand living without any kind of help except some fucking lithium that was not even your idea but somebody else's who actually for once cared enough about my mental health and did somethingI've been feeling like this for way too long and i do not even find killing myself as an option anymore, i just need someone, i cannot have all this shit thrown at me and act like it is nothing I need a solution right now",Depression +19847,"Here is a [link]( to a article I wrote about stress and its relationship to entrepreneurship and surviving inside a culture someone is not allowed aligned with moral. Looking for feedback. Thanks. Moral Alignment, Stress, and Entrepreneurship",Depression +19848,Masturbating when depressed is bad because it makes you sadder after you cum. It feels good for a few seconds but after your orgasm you feel regret and more depressed than before.This is my opinion from my experience . Masturbation worsens depression,Depression +19849,"On Sunday night I tried to kill myself by hanging. I choked until I passed out, and awoke violently gagging - I ran to the bathroom and threw up, and spent the rest of my night on the bathroom floor. The next morning, I spent my time walking around like a zombie, and when I got home I thought I wanted to try again - I decided to call mental health services and they decided I needed to get myself to the hospital. After realising I am physically ok and there is no permanent damage, I honestly feel lucky to be alive.Depression and suicide have surrounded me for the majority of my adulthood. My dad committed suicide when I was 15, and I do not think I ever fully resolved the trauma from that event. I have consistently felt on and off for the past few years, but my suicidal thoughts culminated on Sunday night and resulted in me trying to take my own life.My ex girlfriend, who I was with for nearly 6 years, came over and repeatedly twisted and manipulated my feelings to the point where Id never felt more sick and used in my life. I begged this person to come back in my life, and I am deeply ashamed - not because of showing feelings, but because I now know that this person has never caused me anything but pain. Over the years, I feel that she conditioned me into complacency, and gradually tore down my personality into the person who was happy to be stuck with someone like that for the rest of their life. Looking back on it now, in a calmer state, and with the perspective that all the loved ones who have come by and supported me have provided, I now realise there is not much of this person I wasted so much time and energy on that actually value or respect. She could not talk or communicate like an adult. She was incapable of seeing the effects of her actions on other people. She was selfish. She made poor decisions, and was incapable of looking after her health and hygiene properly. She had very few friends, and repeatedly drove people away due to her personality. She was always so quick to judge and criticise others, especially me, without ever turning the magnifying glass back on herself. She humiliated my sister about her botched tattoo, despite having an absolute clusterfuck of poorly assembled tattoos mismatched all over her thighs. She hated cheaters and how people functioned in their relationships, yet complained about me to her male friend, and gaslit me into thinking I was crazy for hurting from it. She criticised other peoples health and appearance, yet only continued to gain weight without doing a single thing to change. She often shamed me for how I chose to dress, despite often having pretty poor hygiene and being quite unappealing as a result. I now realise just how much this person had thoroughly poisoned my floor, and convinced me I was not worth anyones time or effort. Begging for her affections is the most regrettable thing I have ever done, because I now realise that this was the ultimate symbol of how she would conditioned me to submit to her disgusting behaviour. As she revealed details of getting drunk and sleeping with someone earlier in the week, despite never wanting to be physical with me at the end, confessed details of drinking alone recently, and went back & forth on getting back together to play with my feelings, I think the veil broke in my mind and I finally started to see her for what she is. This person that I had put so much time and energy into, who I had thought I loved with all of my heart, just uses people and discards them. As I sat in the hospital and received an outpouring of support, I realised just how little she had ever done for me. Id received the most heartwarming messages of love and support from women I had slept with once and kept very poor contact with. If all of these people Id only spent time with for one night, just to get physical, could offer so much support then why could not someone Id know for most of my adult life? She blamed so much of her toxic behavioural and personality traits on past relationships, and even puts her various supposed mental issues in her Tumblr biography as some sort of attention seeking excuse. This person is just a complete fraud and I now realise what an absolute manipulator she was. there is such a huge reason for her lack of success in making genuine friendships, and the gross people she is now seeing are just even more evidence of the fact that she will take anything she can get as long as she can use them for something. She has no dignity or respect in my eyes and I truly regret I let someone like this shape what could have been my last day on this earth. Last night, a complete stranger came up to me and told me as a dad, he felt so much sadness and concern for my well-being that he had to say something. He gave me a hug and told me that he saw how much love I have to give and I should not even be here. After how much crying Id already done that way, I could not believe how much hope I felt in my heart after hearing that from someone who did not even know me. I would need 4 hands to count the number of people who have offered to come over, who have spent time with me today, and just given me a phone call to let me talk and finally express the pain I have carried for so so long. Some of my dearest friends have been so fucking supportive, and understood the pain and abuse I had endured for longer than anyone should have had to bear. I am sure things will not always be easy, and I know there will be times where my thoughts take over and I want to do something terrible. But after the ordeal of the last few days, I finally see the support that I have, and just how much I have going for me despite not realising it. I have made an interstate move happen all on my own, and been approved for my dream apartment. I am going out and meeting people, and (TMI) having really awesome sex after being with the most stale and unfulfilling sexual partner I have ever had. I go to the gym most days of the week now, and find so much enjoyment in working myself physically to improve my health. I put more time into my hobbies today, and found renewed vigour for guitar practice and my music theory work. I am practically drowning in job opportunities and have never felt so excited about the prospects in front of me. There are so many good things on the horizon for me, and one awful person should have never gotten in the way of that.All this is to say, I know that despite things not always going to be easy, I am glad I survived and that I am going to be ok. A lot of the work is on me and it will take a lot of effort, but I know what I need to do. If anyone has ever been in a position like mine, where someone has treated them this way and they feel there is no hope, just know that they are just one person who is trying to project their own shit onto someone else. For every one person like that in your life, you have 30 more who genuinely care and love you and want you to be ok. It was true for me, and I want this to be true to anyone who has gone through what I went through. Attempted suicide on the weekend. Now I feel so hopeful for the future.",Depression +19850,"Hello, I have tried every other Avenue I do not even know why I am writing this right now or what I am expecting to come from this but I truly have ran out of advice for myself and people to talk too. I do not wish to talk to people close to me about this matter because I do not want them to worry, nor do I want them to think I am being dramatic for attention. That is not the case. I know there is no clear answer to the one that I seek. I just want to know the most painless, easiest way of committing the act of suicide. I could be here all day giving you reasons as to why I want too and could read reasons as to why I should not all day long. I appreciate you would only be trying to help but I do not want to hear why I should not do it. I am 21 now and for the last 5 years my life has gotten harder, day by day, week by week, month by month. I just want it all to end. I have a lot of demons, I have been trying to deal with for years now. They are winning, the only time I ever feel true peace is when I am asleep. I do not fit in society at all. I just want to know some advice (theoretically) on what the quickest and easiest way of suicide would be. Without involving anybody else. Like I do not want someone to find my body, I want to just disappear forever. Without causing trauma to anybody who might find me in that state. The only way I can think of this being possible is by drowning and hoping the ocean takes me for good. I appreciate that this is a touchy subject and I probably will not even get any advice but I just had to put it in writing for my own sake to truly accept the thoughts on my mind. Idkk",Suicidal +19851,"Hello reddit ... this must be the fourth post on this group I have made and ... it is always worse ... my mother is starting to cheat on my father and their relationship, they call their relationship ""on the verge of breaking up"" .... I got drunk last night to forget about my past so I could sleep because yeah, the memories of my rape resurface and keep me awake, basically when I sleep every night for the last two weeks I have nightmares of my rape... the way they took me... the paralysis I had during it .... the feeling of something going in and then out of my body. ...the fact that I need help but cannot scream...it makes me sick just thinking about it...and every night I only sleep for 2 hours because I have nightmares about it, I wake up screaming, sobbing and sweating... I do not know why I do it, my brain tells me to just do it and it feels good... I just cannot take it anymore... Can you help me?... it is amazing... At 16 I am already a masochist, suicidal, alcoholic, depressive and with post traumatic stress. I really need help...",Depression +19852,"I am tired of being alone, broke, in the dark - breathing without any purpose. I do not understand anything right now. I might just do it. I am just tired. Why am I alive? it is not a rhetorical question, I really want to know.",Suicidal +19853,Sent this to my counselor this morning. We should probably meet next week. I am back to the realization that I am completely unlikable and people avoid me as much as possible. It happens right in front of my face. I try and try and try.... it should not be this hard. I do not want to post anything on Facebook because I am scared no one will like it or comment and that will just depress me even more. I am so tired of this feeling. Like a whiney little bitch. My State of Mind,Depression +19854,it is such a strong and deep sadnessidek what to do anymore. nothing works. i wake up already sad every fucking day,Depression +19855,"I am writing this not knowing if I will ever actually send it; I do not know why I get so anxious when I think of you or make an attempt to reach out. All my thoughts disappear and the only thing I experience is this weird, warm sensation in my chest: there is nothing but a feeling of faintness, like my insides are slowly evaporating. Images flash of what I think your life is like today and I also see memories of other times we have been together. These latter are mostly from moments all our families have been together, I mean the families you have joined with in marriage and our own blood relations. My reflections of the weddings (that I know I was at in the flesh) I experience in the same manner as I envision how your current life is like, as if I am a passive observer, as if I am dead or a ghost. I saw a picture of me at your wedding and I remember feeling so out of place in that world, I recall it now as if I were never there, disconnected and a complete stranger. Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever see you again, I imagine our lives forever separated as if that were the answer but it does not really seem any different than its ever been even when I did appear at various holidays and family gatherings.My life today is just a meager attempt to scrape buy, do the bare minimum just to keep living for what? I do not know. I work by myself and mostly just sit in my truck and read when I should be working. I do not really care. I can get away with it so I do it. I would not say I am depressed, I can get by most of the time without ever having a sad thought: most of my life these days is characterized by indifference. I think about trying to change my life in some way but mostly nothing comes of it, I do not really care. I am just another life amoung millions of others doomed to die in obscurity. Sometimes I see myself as having potential to do great things but then I take revenge on this cruel world by becoming a martyr who will die with this potentiality in my grave. At times I wish I had been born thousands of years ago instead of today. This modern world is grotesque and foreign to me, the paths in life we are limited to tread are dehumanizing. Sure, many people make their own path but I lack the strength and imagination. I do still dream of the perfect life. For me it would be a life of endless travel. There are so many places in the world I would love to visit. But then again I know I am doomed to live my days out in this miserable country, in this pathetic world of an era that cannot even give us the satisfaction of failing so we can create something better. No. I am afraid man is doomed to stagnate forever in the filth of democracy and freedom, mere titles and images while the few toxic hands of corruption really <i>live<i> on the backs of the bodies that suffer in the transcendence of eternal hope.I am rambling but my point is this world is lost to me. I do not have any hope, and without anything to believe in a man cannot be said to exist. I suppose this is why I experience your presence, current and past, as a ghost or as if I have never existed all along and this life is only a dream with my body a mere paroxysm of nerves whose only force is born in the desire to exist.Looking at these words I probably will not send this message. But this is the gulf I so desperately want to bridge but I know my breath is lost in that void so sending it is still the same as not. If I am practically dead already why not make it official? I can never send you these words; how could I? My life is so diametrically opposed to yours. I am afraid I am doomed to live like this. I am deathly afraid. I have no place here. A message to the void",Depression +19856,"I have been getting more and more depressed over the past few months about this to the point that every conversation with my mother turns into an argument or screaming match because, to be quite frank, I cannot stand her as a person, but she barely works because of medical reasons, has no support system other than me, and I care about her enough that I cannot leave her on the streets. I pay for all the bills, including rent in a shitty duplex we have lived in since I was in high school that has so many problems but considering I am the only one paying bills, I cannot afford anything better. It would literally be cheaper and more freeing to be living with an actual roommate that splits the cost of everything instead of my mother who pays for nothing, but I cannot.To top it all off, she is smothering. She gets offended if I do not want to spend every waking minute not at work talking to her and will cry and throw fits if I just want to be by myself. She treats me like I am 16 rather than 30 and paying all her bills and literally throwing my life away to make sure that she has a place to live.I am just so depressed. I have no time for me. I rarely go out because my friends all think I am weird for living at home, and fuck trying to have a romantic relationship. My life is essentially over until she either dies or I win the lottery and I hate thinking that but its the truth. Idk. I am sad and had to get this off my chest. Thanks all. 30 and still stuck living at home with my financially and mentally unstable mother.",Depression +19857,"I have to do it. I have to take that jump. I am just scared of fucking that up too. But I should not overthink. I just do not understand why suicidal people are considered selfish cowards. In my opinion they are incredibly brave. Brave for taking that step into the unknown and pulling the plug. Brave for taking matters into their own hands. We never had a saying in being born, so why should not we have a saying in the way it ends. I just hope I will display the same bravery when my time is there. I really hope I will. Being brave",Depression +19858,"My husband told me a few months ago that he is depressed. I have noticed his overall mood, treatment towards me (not abusive just can be very short and does not really want to talk or do anything with me), and treatment of himself had been going down (not working out not showering not eating well etc) but did not think it was really bad. After a few months of me being supportive and trying to help in any way I can think of he finally said he needs to see a doctor. I was excited about that; he made no effort to make an appointment and has no general doctor. So I found him one and made him the appointment which he went to with no upset and actually for a few days he seemed happy about going and being put on some meds. Hes never been a good eater and ever since the depression hit he is been worse. I have noticed he is probably lost 20 lbs at least (he was super thin to begin with). He used to be super active as well and now he will not even go on a walk.Last night at around 3am I woke up to an incredibly large thud outside our bedroom door. (He works late or stays up late every night and I normally go to bed at a normal hour). I rushed out of the bedroom to him crumbled on the floor passed out. He actually damaged the wall some with going down and now has a gash in his shoulder. He came to pretty fast but was overall super pale shaking nauseous etc. He would not let me take him to the hospital or is not letting me call his doctor today. I am not sure what caused this but I started tallying his calorie intake and he is getting around 1000 calories a day at most and when he does eat it is normally complete shit (soda chips and cookies fast food etc). he is over 6 foot and in his mid 30s. He now has high blood pressure and high cholesterol along with other health issues. I am now super worried and he still has not eaten since he passed out. I just would like some help on what to do now as now I am almost worrying of I am dealing with some sort of male anorexia and not just depression. I wrote him something last night telling him that not even eating a child's portion of food everyday nor taking regular showers is unacceptable. I do not know if something like this is ok for someone with depression or whatever is going on though. Just asking for tips to help my husband",Depression +19859,"I am stressing out bc I bought Going medieval on g2a and I saw that the reviews were pretty bad.. I have all these random games in my library that I do not want ruining the quality of my steam library. I do not want to delete the game though, but Id rather pay full price on steam than buy from this website again! I accidentally bought a game via g2a and cannot get a refund..",Depression +19860,"6 years. Sometimes it does not seem like a long time, but when you are living the six years and you know that there is another year and another year and another year stretching off into the distance that will be filled with the same suffering every second, minute, day then it seems like eternity. I am surprised that I am not dead by now and it is not because of lack of trying. I have lost count of how many times I have tried to kill myself, how many intubations, IVs, medications and stints in ICU and hospitals I have had, all reminders of what a failure I am. tell me what to do if I cannot succeed at living and I cannot succeed at dying. But the worst part of this is that my divine duty is not death, at least yet. it is to kill. Imagine you had someone following you every second of the day and night screaming in your ears, in your head that it is your duty to kill these demons, that you are stupid and weak, telling you where to stab them, hit the them and choke them, advising you on how to kill as many people as you can before killing yourself so they cannot get to you. So I am putting my foot down. At 4am this morning (2 and a half hours away) I will be jumping off the cliff near my house. It will be protecting everyone around me and ending my suffering. I would like to say it is been great but that would be a lie. Feel free to talk to me in my last couple hours alive but do not expect to change my mind Why does not it get better",Suicidal +19861,"I cannot sleep, its really hard for me to be genuinely tired & end up sleeping & feeling well rested. Every time I think about sleeping I get a huge knot in my stomach, because I know I will not get any & Ill be stuck in my mind tormenting myself about things like what could have been & what was. I am so so tired of living this way, I just want to sleep. Please help if you can, anything literally anything just to get me to sleep. Need help falling asleep",Depression +19862,"Life is hard.Today, I am grateful I do not feel anxious. I do not feel like life is going to fall apart around me. All I really feel is a strong, almost unstoppable, resolve to rest my head.I found out that I was stressing myself too much a year ago. And it turns out all I needed was rest. Lay in my bed for hours and hours. I sometimes get urges to get up and move. Sometimes my health acts up. I get hot flashes all over my body. Other issues I would rather not describe, as they are specific to how extreme my mental health is, personally.Just rest your heads.Rest your headsSlow down. Sleep more. Breathe more. Feel more, even if it is horrible and confusing. Forget the world. Stop grasping for the things in existence. Things like video games, entertainment, distractions. Anything that moves you around in a way that you do not control but can afford to let go of.Most of you have jobs and responsibilities. I do not. I have that privilege. Disability. But I feel like it is extremely important nowadays to close your eyes and just let stuff drift around. Stop making things into problems, when they are only slightly painful and can be felt through.Life is hard.I hope me sharing this helps you, guys.And the disappointment some of you have felt when following society in getting this or that is just because you were misled, in my opinion. They do not care. it is impersonal. I am doing well. Thought it would help to let you know.",Depression +19863,"Long story short, my family acts like anything I say in front in front of my brother is automatically offensive just because I am cis white male. He cries wolf anytime I disagree with him and I already know that society sees being white and male as evil by default. what is the point of living if I am just going to be blamed for mistakes made by some other white guy who already died decades ago. Apparently I am homophobic for being straight. I am racist for being born white. I just I do not want to be treated like a bigot for no reason. I am married and have kids and I do not want to hurt them, but clearly it is best if I just die so my brother can feel better about himself. I should just kill myself to make my gay brother happy about himself.",Suicidal +19864,"I just hate the place that I live in, I hate engaging with people here, their're so toxic and self-righteous and I am tired of being interrupted by them every 10 minutes, I just want to be alone for a second and enjoy doing things that I love, but the paranoia prevents me for doing so.I have no friends to reach out to or spend time with, I try to go out but I do not know where to go, I feel like I am in prison.I am depressed for years because of this, I told my mom about it in hope of recovery, she told me she will look for a doctor, but mouths have past now and I have not got any treatment, she seems to not give a flying fuck about me, it fucking hurts man.I just want to leave this place but I have wait a couple because I am still at school, I want kill my self but the hope for a libration from this shithole keeps me patient, I do not how to deal with this situation, please help. I hate where I live",Depression +19865,"I knew sooner or later Id find myself back on this sub. Someone I knew killed themselves the other day. We were not particularly close friends or anything but it still felt odd knowing someone I could put a name to a face to actually succeeded. I feel like such a piece of shit for my first though being damn she is lucky. I wish I fucking could so bad. I have got the bedsheet and doorknob to do it but fuck man, my situation does not allow me to. Hate this shit so much. Here we go again",Suicidal +19866,"I do not know where else to express this, and honestly, I do not want to. I have a long history of anxiety & depression, I am 26 now. I have had it for over 15 years. I always try to plan, convince myself that it is over, but it always comes back with the circumstances. I am currently living my with grandparents and my family - one home, loads of chaos. we are here until our home renovations are done, which would take another 4 weeks to be fully done. I have been anxious ever since because it is a toxic environment, and I have not been able to form any sort of routines or habits whatsoever. It is slowly killing me. I am in the process of applying for graduate schools and this is certainly not helping. I have been a pillar of support for other people, but nobody stands up for me. I do not have any actionable advice to work on, and I am pretty sure that therapy will not help me. The only thing I have decided for now, is work on 3 things per day, and I will do them at any cost. I figured that once I move back home, I can start establishing my habits bit by bit. The problem is, if I take it slow, I get the FOMO, and if I do not - I get overwhelmed. I am feeling super alone right now and fighting this feels so exhausting. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I wish I had a friend. This even makes me suicidal, but one minute at a time I guess. I feel like I am slipping through the cracks again.",Depression +19867,"I have tried everything, different medications, meditating, talking with a therapist weekly. And my doctor even labeled me as a anomaly. How am I supposed to find solace in someone else dealing with what I am if no one even knows what is wrong with me? I am sick of never enjoying anything, I am sick of constant thoughts that are not mine 24-7. I am sick of crying over simple things for no reason. And I am sick of feeling like an outcast, I am done. I have given up",Depression +19868,"Today was actually a good day. So I shaved my head. You maybe wondering why as my family and friends are too. They always worry, however for me its a good sign. when I shave my hair off its the first sign of many that I am starting to take control, fight back. Its my first step in preparing for the battle ahead. I have to be more proactive, no one is coming to save me or make things better. its all on me. Also, Also I look so freaking cute when I shave my head. I have the perfect shaped head, when my mother give birth to me her birth canal thanked me lol. on serious note I feel good today. I hope you are too Bald and ready for Battle",Depression +19869,"People here have much bigger struggles than me in life as to why they want to till themselves, mine is that I am going bald.I am 17, my dad, uncles, grandparents, and even great-grandparents all have the same hair they had in their 20s. I am fat and ugly already and my hair was the only source of confidence I had, now that is gone too. Everytime I look at the mirror I feel like crying, I am happier when I dream about being a completely different person. I already have low self esteem and no friends and this does not help my case at all.I do not even know why I am posting this I just wanted to talk to someone about it. My dermatologist said it was only temporary but I can see my hair looking thin in pictures going all the way back to 2019 when I was 15. If there was a way for me to kill myself tonight I would do it, I would just be happier dead. I am a selfish, vain piece of shit and want to die",Suicidal +19870,Wtf is the point of being around if she is not with me My first love is breaking up with me and I might kill myself over it.,Suicidal +19871,"I have been depressed since 14, people bullied me, I have been told I am ugly short some how balding at young age I have been told all kind of shit even my family used to bully me and make fun of me calling me ugly, i felt alone... now I am 17 yrs old still depressed every single time i find a solution it does not work, maybe ill cheer up for a day or two but then get right back to it because of depression. So my actual question is, is there hope like for real everybody told me there is and i should keep on going and never give up that kind of stuff but really I do not see anything changing, the only thing that has changed is my overthinking, anxiety, insomnia and stress are worse that is all, so should i just end it? Am i going to continue till my end of my life like this please tell me I will not. I have a quick question.",Depression +19872,"that is it that is what my life been likeSometimes I feel so angry I do not understand it, this paralysing anger literally burns me but I cannot do anything about it, I get psychosomatic pains all the time, and then I start crying because I feel unexplainably sad and I begin to cry, but crying does not help anymore, there is no relief I just feel shitty. Sometimes I wish I felt nothing at all. I feel so bad my ears are ringing, and my neck is in constant pain because I am so tense all the time, and then it makes my head hurt. I cannot tell anyone because they cannot do anything anyway, my parens do not know and even if they would, they would just deny it and say something like ""life is hard, walk it off"". I cannot do anything, I want to quit uni and I am afraid I will not make it through another term but the only thing that stops me is the fact that I do not know what else to do, and I do not want to be a barista or a cashier or something. Not because it is not cool, I would just simply not be able to survive it, literally, this shit it just too difficult. I am not suicidal but sometimes I wish I were. It would make just about everybody's life easier. I do not even like doing what I used to like. I do hobbies out of pure habit, like I remember that I liked it once so I might try to get some serotonin now as well but it is just not working anymore. No I cannot go to the doctor because I am broke and because my parents will flip their shit and freak out and start screaming at me because ""cannot you just be normal and stop embarrassing us pls"" there are only three moods - anger, sadness, and apathy",Depression +19873,"Life became unbearable. I mean it was never good, but I managed to deal with my problems and unhappiness. But since the pandemic started, things became impossible. All the problems got like 100x worse. Financial ones were the worst. there is nothing worse in life than being broke. I cannot be happy living like this. I was born without asking yet I am supposed to live a life deprived from the things I want. I am pretty sure life could be awesome but without money its just impossible. It brought lots of other problems for my life. I wake up every day wishing I did not. Hopefully death comes as soon as possible and I hope to never be back to this life again. Unless I come back as a wealthy guy from an even wealthier family. Waking up every day is my biggest challenge cuz I wish I was dead.",Suicidal +19874,"so this reason I am upset is yesterday my friend grayson who has many metal heath problems locked themselves in the bathroom i opened the door and they wear crying with a knife in there hand and i took it from them and then i put my hoodie on them and we had to lie to their parents and say that they threw up there not supposed to throw up cuss they have a tube in their stomach and then her cousin called me and when to me and gray and yelled at gray and gray just keep holding me and then savanna told me to fuck off and that it was not my business but i could not leave gray when they wear crying like that then once everyone calmed down gray told them how i stopped gray from killing themselves if i was 2 Minutes later they would have been died then savanna thanked me for saving gray and then i went to my site and my mom yelled at me for drama and for helping cry my mom called gray selfish for doing that but my mom dosent know that i tried to die many times and then i cried my self to sleep and told my mom everything that was going oni texted gray telling them that i would not see then again anytime soon and said i love you to them and deleted it but when gray said i love you too my mom says really is she ur new lesbian friend or something and I am like no mom i care about herand then my dad and mom went out side and talked about me but i herd everythingi almost tried to kill myself last night but i wrout in my diary to calm down then i cried myself to sleepevery time i see the hoodie i let them wear yesterday i get a flash back of gray almost dieingand when my mom start raising her voice even just a little i panici was if i got there any later they would have been diednot only did i had to put on a brave face and be there for graysonmy 19 year old cousin was talking with her mom and her mom talked to my mom so then my mom got mad at my cousin and my cousin Dee did not know what to do so i have to help her write a note to say to my mom and i had to talk my mom hears how the convo when the () is what my mom saidhi mom dee wants to talk with you privately( idk is she going to be a mature adult about it ) yes I believe that now you both have cooled down and dee has had water she wrote down what she wanted to say. then mom said ok and to give her a minute Then she when out into the living room where me and dee wereis dee"""" dee () is mom i me is just normal text10:16 AMso mom sat down and dee said "" aunt denise I am sorry for not coming to you i went to mother instead i am not used to having someone else to relay on pls forgive me . ( i know but you lied to to ur mom and told her that i yell at you and that you always get into trouble that is not true ur lieing to ur mom and ur lieing to urself ) then dee said ur right then i just sat there and let them talk. then mom went back to her roomthen mom told me go into there roomso i did and then she said how that i have bad friends at that i should not care so much and I am crying and i said i know i should not care so much but i try to fix them because i need to distract myself from my own issues and own thoughts. then dad gives me a hug and say its ok ur learn that not everyone can be fix i said i know i try so hard to fix others cuz i know i cannot fix myself cuz i bury my thoughts so deep down that i forget that i have then and i care so much about other becuase i wanana fix what i know i cannot fix about myselfi almost tried to hang myself last nightbut i new a few days ago that i was stuggling more that normal so i handed my stirng to dee and she hind it pls help I am only 13 idk what to do",Depression +19875,"I definitely have depression and have for over 10 years. I just kind of know it but have mentally toughed it out, looking to the positive and trying all the classic tricks. I do not go around publicizing it, even to dates. but when I date someone who talks about their depression at all, I am turned off. it is like their depression will get on me and make mine worse. I date people who I think I can tell are ""normal"" and the closest thing to depression they know is a break up they had once. Everything else in their lives are consistent and healthy. I want to sort of pretend my illness is tolerable when I am not totally sure it is, especially as life's pressures mount. Especially when others start depending on me more. Is this a missed opportunity? To go through depression ""together""? Or am right to flight? Definitely Have Depression, But do not Want to Date Someone W/It",Depression +19876,And there is nothing anyone is willing to do to help I am going to attempt to kill myself today,Suicidal +19877,"All I see on social media is attractive people being popular, going to parties and having relationships. It feels like the only way to be semi-popular nowadays if you are not extremely attractive is to be funny, and I even fail at that for the most part. The amount of boring one-dimensional yet attractive people I see having big social groups and having relationships is so disheartening and makes it feel pointless to even try. I know I will never amount to much in life since everything falls back to your social hierarchy, and I failed that the second I was born with my hideous face. Why is it that everywhere I look, its mainly attractive people who seem happy and have friends?",Depression +19878,Suicide makes more sense day by day I am losing hope,Depression +19879,"Some girls where making fun of me in class today, I did not notice at first but when I did they started whispering to each other and laughing at me. They were obviously mocking me mocking my hair( I have ""long"" curly hair and it is a bit messy). Why? I never did nothing to them. I do not even know them. I am extremely antisocial. Things like this just make me feel worst than I already feelSorry for my broken English, it is not my first language Why are ppl so mean?",Suicidal +19880,"The suicidal ideation is getting worse every week. I wind up just sitting and staring off into space so much every day. I hate (passionately) my current job. Severely burnt out, barely make enough money, and usually I have to spend more than I even make. I just watch my bank account keep dropping and dropping. I have no skills for better employment. No college degree in anything, just a high school diploma. I realize I will have to spend the rest of my life working various jobs I am not happy in, to barely get by, and have to sell my soul to employers to do their bidding when they ask. I no longer wish to be a part of this machine that chews up and spits us all out. What is there to look forward to?They say it is the little things you enjoy, but what if those are no longer enough? A hobby that used to bring me great joy is now just a chore. I do not know how much longer I can keep living. The pain just gets worse and worse, and I keep fantasizing about ways to harm myself. I will keep searching for a suitable way to end things as I know there is nothing that can be done to change the system. Life is a joke but I did not get the punchline",Suicidal +19881,"Hello people,one day and I know it I will kill myself one day in the future. Today is a big shitty day and I had a lot big shitty days lately. My question: how can I kill myself in the best way to not feel anything and die for 100%? I want to kill myself but I am too dumb",Suicidal +19882,"My main plan to kill myself is sleeping pills and carbon monoxide. that is not very accessible for me, so I thought it was a good plan - in the sense that I am not likely to do it.But my thoughts have been getting worse. I remember a friend telling me they found an OTC cocktail on the internet. I am going to try to find that recipe and create a plan b, because honestly I cannot do this shit anymore. Plan B",Suicidal +19883,"so this reason I am upset is yesterday my friend grayson who has many metal heath problems locked themselves in the bathroom i opened the door and they wear crying with a knife in there hand and i took it from them and then i put my hoodie on them and we had to lie to their parents and say that they threw up there not supposed to throw up cuss they have a tube in their stomach and then her cousin called me and when to me and gray and yelled at gray and gray just keep holding me and then savanna told me to fuck off and that it was not my business but i could not leave gray when they wear crying like that then once everyone calmed down gray told them how i stopped gray from killing themselves if i was 2 Minutes later they would have been died then savanna thanked me for saving gray and then i went to my site and my mom yelled at me for drama and for helping cry my mom called gray selfish for doing that but my mom dosent know that i tried to die many times and then i cried my self to sleep and told my mom everything that was going on i texted gray telling them that i would not see then again anytime soon and said i love you to them and deleted it but when gray said i love you too my mom says really is she ur new lesbian friend or something and I am like no mom i care about her and then my dad and mom went out side and talked about me but i herd everything i almost tried to kill myself last night but i wrout in my diary to calm down then i cried myself to sleep every time i see the hoodie i let them wear yesterday i get a flash back of gray almost dieing and when my mom start raising her voice even just a little i panici was if i got there any later they would have been died not only did i had to put on a brave face and be there for graysonmy 19 year old cousin was talking with her mom and her mom talked to my mom so then my mom got mad at my cousin and my cousin Dee did not know what to do so i have to help her write a note to say to my mom and i had to talk my mom hears how the convo when the () is what my mom saidhi mom dee wants to talk with you privately( idk is she going to be a mature adult about it ) yes I believe that now you both have cooled down and dee has had water she wrote down what she wanted to say. then mom said ok and to give her a minute Then she when out into the living room where me and dee wereis dee"""" dee () is mom i me is just normal text 10:16 AMso mom sat down and dee said "" aunt denise I am sorry for not coming to you i went to mother instead i am not used to having someone else to relay on pls forgive me . ( i know but you lied to to ur mom and told her that i yell at you and that you always get into trouble that is not true ur lieing to ur mom and ur lieing to urself ) then dee said ur right then i just sat there and let them talk. then mom went back to her room then mom told me go into there roomso i did and then she said how that i have bad friends at that i should not care so much and I am crying and i said i know i should not care so much but i try to fix them because i need to distract myself from my own issues and own thoughts. then dad gives me a hug and say its ok ur learn that not everyone can be fix i said i know i try so hard to fix others cuz i know i cannot fix myself cuz i bury my thoughts so deep down that i forget that i have then and i care so much about other becuase i wanana fix what i know i cannot fix about myself i almost tried to hang myself last night but i new a few days ago that i was stuggling more that normal so i handed my stirng to dee and she hind it pls some one help I am only 13",Suicidal +19884,"I made a brief post in another subreddit outlining the human condition, and the response I got was essentially: My life is good, so fuck you.Bluntness is met with indignation.Most forums like these are populated l with personal anecdotes where attention, empathy, and especially solutions are sparse.Its too late for me now anyway. I do not even know why I write anymore. Why are we not allowed to accurately express the conditions of reality?",Depression +19885,"all those posts about how we should think about how our family will react to our deaths . when i think about it, it does not phase me. am i really that far gone and heartless? does anyone else feel this way? i know it would tear them apart but that does not seem to hold me back. thinking of them finding me does not phase me",Suicidal +19886,"You feel happiness today, then the next day, sadness comes. Happiness then pain. It just repeats. We cannot even fly or have magical powers to just make ourselves happy in our own. You feel that? Life is shit for me. Everything freaks me out. I wonder how other people see life as beautiful. If only I can donate my life with people who really want to live, I will do it. Everything just hurts. Fuck! Really, nothing's beautiful in this life.",Suicidal +19887,"they are all having fun in spain, greece etc. did not even bother to ask me if i wanted to come, and I am lonely at home trying not to stuff my face every 5 minutes, i miss having friends and i wish i did not cut off all my friendships when i did feel like shit watching my friends snapchat stories",Depression +19888,I took a new job against gut feeling. I am ready to die now. I am at the point where I want to kill myself and I feel at peace.,Suicidal +19889,I am the battered life-raft everyone else seems to be clinging to...and I am sinking.I am fucking done. Lost on the open sea of nightmares...,Suicidal +19890,27 m Australia I wake up at a ridiculous time to go to work after that come home to a empty house I try talk to my family but they brush it of as a grab for attention and I have literally 0 friends what the fuck is the point of anything what is the point,Suicidal +19891,Why Do i have to suffer like this? Just why? I do not even know what caused it.,Depression +19892,Its peaceful. I even have a playlist picked out. My only real anxiety is losing one of my ear buds to the waves. Sometimes I fantasize about jumping head first into the lake and never coming back,Suicidal +19893,"i had to drop all of my irl friends yesterday then i got rejected earlier and i just got kicked from my groupchat on twitter witch was really the only thing i had left, i feel like everyone thinks I am annoying and does not like me. my dad lives in california,i really do not think my mom loves me that much and my dog is the only person who likes me i actually do not know what to fucking do",Suicidal +19894,"My gf (21f) asked me (24m) for a temporary break, because she is suffering with depression. And I just do not know what to think. I love her very much, and i believe she does as well. &#x200B;Context: we dated for a year and half, I am her first bf, everything was great but a month or so she changed. A week ago she told me that she was sad all the time and that she was having a hard time dealing with everything, that she feels like a robot without feelings, no spark in her life, nothing. Yesterday she asked me for a break so she can figure stuff out, but did not want to ""break the relationship"" per se. Below this paragraph i copy pasted (editing names) our last conversation, that took place a couple of minutes ago. (In case that some sentences do not make sense, i translated using an app)\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_Me:I want you to know that I am still your friend, that I am and will be there for whatever you need, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to or just to listen, to pick you up in the middle of the night if you want to go out for a drive to clear your mind in silence, or whatever. It does not matter the time or the day, seriously. You are a very intelligent person, strong and with character, I am sure that the situation you are going through is temporary and everything will be fine. You are an incredible person, and I thank God for the blessing that is knowing you. Forgive me if this message hurts you in any way, but I want you to know. I love you.&#x200B;Gf:Thank you, it makes me feel good to know that you do not hate me. I am worse today than ever, I try to understand myself, but it is too hard. I still think that this time is going to do me good because I am going to be analyzing myself. I have a very special and complicated interior, it is very well hidden and controlled, but i just cannot take it anymore. I need to analyze myself and think well about everything. It breaks my heart just thinking that you hate me or that you are suffering because of me, I feel exaggeratedly bad, but I know that I cannot do anything with what is happening to me, it is not my fault, it is not anyone's fault . I am always there for you too. You are the most incredible person that ever passed through my life, I need you to understand that everything is ok with you, you are perfect. And I want you to know that all the decisions I make are to not hurt you and therefore try not to feel so bad about myself. I never imagined that I was going to be like this, that we were going to be like this, because of me. Sorry for all this, I need my time. My feelings are the same.\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_&#x200B;I do not know what to do or think, of course I am going to give her the space she wants, but i just feel so guilty amd do not even know why. I do not think i have dealt with this in my life, so i cannot undertand it. I need help, to help her. Depressed gf pushing me away, it hurts. How can I help her without pressuring her?",Depression +19895,So just got out of my appt with Psyc. New job starting in August and wanted to get ahead of some anxiety and depressive symptoms that have been returning unpleasantly. He upped my sertraline from 100 to 150mg and added Wellbutrin 150mg to cover our bases. He did say that when I am stable we will work on coming off of things which is nice to hear. Anybody with experience in these two together? Symptoms returning and a med increase,Depression +19896,"I feel like postpartum depression will be lifelong for me, because my youngest is 3.5 and I still have suicidal thoughts.I am not a functioning adult. I have been depressed since I was 14, and I am nearly 30 and it feels like life is the most agonizingly slow example of sinking sand.My youngest has autism, and every waking moment I am not at work, hes clinging to me. I never have a moment alone and when I do, my husband is pawing at me and looking like a wounded puppy every time because I am exhausted and I do not want to be touched. what is the point when I am not going to enjoy myself or finish? My 6 year old essentially resents me because all of efforts are spent on my my 3.5 year old. I cannot focus on him the way Id like to. Nothing but therapies, doctor appointments, anxiety at 100 at all times because he just screams and is non verbal. My youngest is hard work, taking him out in public is draining, hes sensory seeking and destroys any and everything I care about and there is no respite or break. Its hard to let them just be kids when every waking moment is risk management.All three of them drain me and I wish I did not exist at least once a month. All I do is housework, kids, work. When I am not caring for my own kids I am taking care of kids in a pediatric hospital. I love my kids and my husband and what I do, but I am a she will of who I was. I wish I could run away. This is my miserable fucking life. Fuck autism. Fuck parenthood. Fuck marriage. My husband and kids would be better without me.",Depression +19897,"I told my husband last night via FaceTime that I was to big of a coward or I would not be here.His response... OKHe probably thinks I was talking about leaving him. Such a doff sometimes. Hear what I Am Saying, not what you think I am saying and quit telling people what is wrong with me when you do not even know. You think you know me and you do not.I will die that lonely crazy lady in the neighborhood that only knows what others say, not what I truly think or feel.Sometimes I wish I could just Not wake up. I guess there is some reason I am here but I have no clue. I miss you my son. you would of been 40 this month. 30 years was Never enough. I long for all the dead people that died way to early in life. Mom, my Grandson, my Only Son. it is so quiet here. But my head is so noisy. I try hobbies and fail. There has got to be something better. I had a better life in the Army, at war even. I miss my brothers and sisters I served with. They understand. Maybe my Dr will straighten me out later today. I am a coward or I would not be here",Suicidal +19898,"I am a single 36 M I have been having suicidal thoughts since I was about 14. I feel the end is coming soon. I work a good job and have my own apartment and car I also travel regularly. I also have no friends I also have no motivation to make friends or meet women. I recently started paying for my cremation,no viewing or memorial, and the funeral home is disposing of my ashes. I also moved from a shitty apartment to e decent one, I quit drinking, I have sought out professional help but anything the therapists have said goes in through one ear and out the other. I am so sick of ""you are not alone"" and ""there is help"" i know that but I do not want the help. I am just waiting to pay off my cremation. As of right now I am just going through the motions and making it look like I am putting in the effort but the reality is my mind is already made up. My final purchase will be the .12 gauge I am using on myself, only reason I do not buy it now is because if be too tempted to use it. Well planned suicide.",Suicidal +19899,"please, someone who lives in argentina or some nearby country could help me find a job in your country? it is nothing straight away but i would like to start now so i could go later this year. I beg you, I need to get out of this place. i have a dog that has no one else and i cannot kill and leave him alone. I am asking for help just to find a job so i can stay alive a little longer I beg you, I need to get out of this place. i have a dog that has no one else and i cannot kill and leave him alone.",Suicidal +19900,"I hate it sm. I just want to end it. Nobody would give a fuck anyways. I already know where to get the stuff I need. All I need is the fear to end. And once the fear is gone, I will be gone too. I hate how afraid of suicide I am",Suicidal +19901,"2 years I have been unemployed. Its not close to the caliber of what I am used to, or what I used to do, but its a god damn interview. I have an interview today",Depression +19902,"I suffer from dyscalculia, math dyslexia and my family knows I do.My family signed me up for a Grade 10 summer school class, they said it will help my math and writing and I feel like it is just getting worse as my work piles up and they are too hard to do I cry because of stress and I am trying to not cry right now as I am writing this in class.I asked them to sign me up for an ART, class. But they refused and they bribed me with new clothes....I hate this I feel worthless and when I tell them it is too hard they say ""it is so easy how do not you understand!"" I try to get help from my teacher but her explanations do not make sense, and on top of that I have severe ADHD and cannot focus on shit. I am getting assigned to write like 5 paragraph assignments every class and I struggle with writing and I literally have to use Grammarly and it is so frustrating. I feel dumb and like an outcast, I have 2 weeks left and no one understands me......... I am very depressed right now and sturggling.",Depression +19903,"I give up looking it up on the internet, if any of you know some it would be greatly appreciated Least painful way to do it except gun?",Suicidal +19904,Does anyone have financial-stress related suicidal feelings? I got a surprise bill and I have already been spending this past year cutting back on food so that I can afford groceries. I cannot afford this bill. it is so small. I do not have a functioning job. I am just sitting here quietly crying with a huge lump in my throat because it feels like suicide is the only option. I cannot keep living like this. I have no money.,Suicidal +19905,"Since late 2018 to now, I have been battling with depression. I did not realize I had it until mid 2019 because it came to a point where I was extremely empty, starving myself, and crying almost every night. I would hurt myself and even go to this bridge that was underneath a freeway and contemplate jumping or not. School was an absolute shit show and I felt like I was learning the most pointless things while I was struggling to battle my own mind so my grades started slipping.Admittedly Covid was the only thing that saved me and helped me graduate since I did not have to deal with anyone and did the work on the computer and because the schools would not let the grades drop even if you did not do the work (the grades could only go up.) I started dissociating emotionally since last year. Whenever anything remotely stressful pops up my brain numbs all emotions and I start to feel super disconnected from the world.As of right now, I am twenty years old and I feel like this constantly and it is really hard to connect with other people. I find it extremely weird when someone is crying because my brain has decided to disconnect all emotions when I start to feel sad or stressed out and everything just becomes meh and bland but it is been like this for so long that I do not even know if I will actually feel anything again. I do not even know why I am posting this because I do not feel like I am supposed to be here, but I guess I am just hoping that someone will see this.I literally feel like a ghost. Like I was not meant to be here. I feel like the people around me are not real. I always wonder why I was brought into this world. Everything feels surreal and odd. Whether anyone sees this or not, if you read it, thanks. I guess I just needed to vent my thoughts on the way I feel. Almost complete loss of emotions. I do not feel human.",Depression +19906,"I had to take a sick leave from work because my depression affected my live too much and eventually I lost my work. My psychiatrist just wants to put me in a hospital, already contacted my parents, my therapist does not want to talk to me till I will go to the hospital. I feel so much pressure, I am scared of going here but I feel like everyone is pressuring me and if I do not go they will be angry and give up on me. It may help me but now I am just scared. I do not know how long would I have to be here, who will I meet. If it will even help or I will just run away from my problems. It may be selfish but I do not want to go. I may get worse, everyone may hate me for that. But I do not, sadly I can only say that here because I am scared to do so irl. I may end up in a hospital because of depression but I do not want to",Depression +19907,last deoo in the bucket Responsible person: the girl I love who blocked because I told her I am suicidalName: YamurCity: Antalya Father: Doktorshe is a lawyer in antalya adliyesishe has adhd168 cm 55 kgI love her too muchmy death is not meaningless it s for hershe is from baheehir universityand will start grafate course in gs university.photos of her will be found in my google driveto my parent find this girl and kiss her wrists for meI love her14.07.21 goodbye Commiting suicide today,Suicidal +19908,Does anyone else hate literally fucking everything. I wish there was violent bloodshed in the streets. People smashed in the face with bricks. I want everything and everyone to fucking die. Fuck you all,Depression +19909,everything goes too fast for me I never have time I just want things to stop for a while so I can decide whether I really want to live cannot do basic things,Depression +19910,Responsible person: the girl I love who blocked because I told her I am suicidalName: YamurCity: Antalya Father: Doktorshe is a lawyer in antalya adliyesi168 cm 55 kgI love her too muchmy death is not meaningless it s for herphotos of her will be found in my google driveto my parent find this girl and kiss her wrists for meI love her14.07.21 goodbye committing suicide exit bag or bridge,Depression +19911,"I am near a swimming pool right now and i just want to fucking drown myself while drunk and on drugs and just end my miserable life. I hate my life so fucking much cus I am a fucking loser. My parents should have aborted me when i was born, i just hate being such a fucking disappointment to every single person i know because I am always bringing their mood down. I wish i have the guts to kill myself now",Suicidal +19912,"I do not want to be spend my 20s worrying about my 30s. Being anxious about the rest of my life. I just want to be present. And I think I have been even giving myself anxiety thinking about my future so much. what is going to happen, when am I going to die, who am I going to marry. It has bombarded my thoughts and honestly has just been a weight. Truly life is uncontrollable. there is no way of trying to pinpoint what is going to happen next or what will happen 10 years from now. Just be present today. The reality is one day life will continue on without you. Just like a train. When it is your time, you will get off and that train will continue. And there is no way of stopping that. I think I am starting to understand the scripture that says ""Worry not about your life, for today's worries are enough. And the worrying is not going to help. So I would rather spend time just trusting the one who gives life. I just want to be present.",Depression +19913,"I was accidentally born from an affair my dad had with my mom after she told him she could not get pregnant, and I lived with my mother for the first 5 years of my life. She switched around husbands/boyfriends on and off constantly, never keeping a guy, and at the same time, constantly moved around houses with me in her care. Around 5, I chose to move in with my father and I have been living with him ever since. When i first moved in, my stepmother completely denied me, refused to accept me as her child, and was only nice to me when other people were around us. As a child, I had undiagnosed ADHD which resulted in horrible mood swings and sensitivity. My family would joke about me and hurt my feelings then say I was being over dramatic and that I should feel hurt over a joke. I remember talking about it to my teachers at school but my school only taking it as a sign that i was a trouble child and that i often misbehaved. Throughout middle school, I became depressed after realizing my birth mother had basically lied to me my whole life while having to deal with my father yelling at me everyday because my room was messy. and realizing I was part of the LGBTQ+. I quote look at your room, just think. nobody will love you once they find out how you truly are. I remember so well because it was only some years ago. I told my father several times I wanted to kill myself or that I have tried, but everytime, he brushed me off and told me he could not do anything about that. Recently, I went to the mental hospital and got admitted for a week where I got diagnosed with severe depression, ADHD/ADD, and an ED. After I got out, it was better but ever since I ran out of meds, everything had been going downhill. I am struggling to do anything and its getting to the point i forget to to even eat or drink water. It was my sisters birthday on the 11th and my father broke into my room after I refused to shower for the fifth time and started yelling at me while my gf was on the phone (he did not know). I tried to defend myself and then he started threatening to take everything that makes me happy away from me. I told him how i would end up actually trying to commit again and he started telling me that i was just saying an excuse. When I tried telling him what he was doing wrong as a parent (I tried telling myself he was a good dad for so long), he told me he never did any of that and that I was just imagining things or he just did not remember. When he asked me why I never care to get out of my room, I told him it was because this family does not care for me or even check up on me. He went silent for a while and did not even respond to what i said. He tried acting like he loved me so I would stop being angry, god he does it every time. When it was all over, my gf told me they could tell why i argue the way that i do and that hearing me yell at my dad was heartbreaking because i sounded like someone who kept their feelings in fr so long and was finally letting someone feel their pain. I hate being around my father even more ever since that day and I have been slowly going back to being constantly suicidal. I hate being in this household, and I understand that I have a year and a half left till I am 18, but i do not think i will be able to get away from this shitty family. I am tired of indirectly being told that everything is my fault and that i do not have the right to feel something because its not logical. What is so hard to understand? I have been telling everyone the same thing for years and everyone continues to gaslight me and tell me my memories/feelings are not real.",Suicidal +19914,Now I am going to figure out the quickest way to end myself so as not to fail that as well. Wish me luck. I am a problem to people.,Suicidal +19915,"I feel like I am finally getting to the point where I am done trying. I have clawed myself out of feeling a similar way before, but this is like seeing a mountain I have climbed before and only made it last time because I told myself it was a one time thing.I am not even lost anymore. This familiar feeling, familiar existence feels like home now. I am a waste of oxygen and hopefully I will find the courage to actually do something about it than waste anymore soon. Spent years changing for the better, but now I am just the cancerous whore I always was",Suicidal +19916,"Everyday I look at the mirror I think what the fuck is that, I just feel immense disappointment and feel no self value. what is the point in living if even my close friends make fun of me for it, if I leave Ill just be completely alone so I cannot even do that. I just want to stop feeling so shit. what is the point in fucking living if I am just going to be judged by what is on my face. When people look at me I can tell its like they are looking at something in a zoo. My face",Suicidal +19917,"I have not been able to sleep for six months, my depression has got real bad again I am seeing someone, have tried sleeping meds but they do not work I have gone back on meds for depression and my mood has improved a little bit but I feel I am forcing myself to be happy rather than actually feeling happy.I hide my depression behind a mask in public and just pretend I am happy by joking around, putting on a fake smile and trying to make people laugh and this sometimes actually makes me feel some sort of fake happiness like I am on some kind of drug or something I get heaps of energy then I crash. Today I am at the point where I feel drained, unhappy and wanting out. I cannot keep going on like this it is painful mentally and physically I do not know what to do anymore I am anxious, depressed, tired and scared and I want it to end. I have been pretending to be happy for 6 months I am over it I am over everything",Suicidal +19918,feel like I am lost in my head with these thoughts.. lost in my own head,Suicidal +19919,Going to fucking kill myself. Nobody should have to live like this If I do not get the job tomorrow,Depression +19920,"I am 30f married, seeming like I am unable to have kids, had a job where I am constantly belittled, have no friends, and my family only wants to start drama. I feel like I have failed at life. The difficulty having children is really weighing on me and sending me into a dark place. I feel like everyone has perfect lives and the world is just punishing me for being me. Tired of feeling like a failure",Depression +19921,"I want to vent properly...but i cannot get myself to...nor have anyone to vent to...I am always thinking everyone would be fed up by me by now...I cannot enjoy life...i do not want to live where everyday just feels like a duty that i have to accomplish...like i have to do it even if i do not want to...I have completely lost my appetite...i only eat one or two snacks daily...i cannot even remember when i had a full 3 coursed meal...I want to start self harming again...but I am tired of hiding my scars...and do not even want to explain my scars now....I feel like I am trapped in a never ending loop that keeps getting more and more difficult for me...I do not want to die...i just want to disappear from everyone is memory...like i never existed in the first place..I used to masturbate years back because it helped me feel happy...but i just cannot do it anymore...i tried some months back...but i..did not feel a thing...i was like..""what am i even doing""...All my past memories when i did bad stuff...when i used to hurt myself...and all my nightmares keep coming back to haunt me now...The only thing i do in a day is to take my classes...and i do not even know properly what i learn because i can no longer concentrate...I just want to run...run as far as possible from everything from everyone... ..",Depression +19922,"Hi all. Not sure if the post was suited for this, but I coult not find any better place.I have been struggeling with anexiety (not really depression) for most of my last 20 years. It really makes my life quite worthless to live, since I am scared of it all.I recently talked to a doctor, who wants me to try SSRI/SNRI. However, when I read about the side effects, even though the most common ones was not nice, I could take it.However, I just cannot take hair loss upon all of this. I know its a rare side effect, but I do not even want it to be rare. Just googling on hair loss and SSRI/SNRI makes me terrified.Any other medication that I can try that is not SSRI/SNRI that can help me? I read about something called TCA, does it have the same side effects?My doctor wants me to call tomorrow, after I made up my mind. Thanks for the help. I just do not have the energy to explain to parents/friends why I am all of a sudden losing my hair... Struggelning with anexiety - any medication that do not because hair loss",Depression +19923,"Hi, first of all I want to apologize for any mistakes I make since english is not my first language. I just wanted to share my story dealing with depression and well just write down some random things I do that have been helping me out a lot lately. I am 23 years old and my depression has affected my life in so many ways that every time I look back on the things I lost because of it I cannot help but cry, I start having suicidal thoughts and then I just feel like the thought of not belonging anywhere and seeing how my mental state has affected me and my family (Especially my Mom) is slowly killing me. I have dropped out from three different Music colleges because I could not get myself to wake up every morning, I could not believe in myself enough. I found comfort in escaping life via Videogames, Anime, any form of digital media that could allow me to zone out and stop looking at my life. I found comfort in smoking, because killing myself slowly is a great way to deal with the pain. I do not know when and why all this started, I did not realize I had spent more than a year inside my bedroom barely moving, eating or talking to people, I do not know when I became aware that I was making my mother extremely worried and her live as a single parent extremely difficult. All I knew was that seeing that suffering made me want to move I have wasted 5 years of my life, of my familys life and I have nothing to show for it but an immense guilt that fills my chest with what can only be described as a thousand knifes. This is long and boring so Ill stop, point is a month ago I was finally able to start doing things to improve, things that help me wake up every morning and feel like I can try another day. If anyone out there finds this helpful in anyway, I hope this things can help you too. I started working out every day, as hard as it was to start it is as hard if not harder to look at who I was before I started. I started learning a language and I have been studying everyday. I started playing the piano and singing again everyday. I decided to start eating healthier, to go out for walks or just sit a cafe and listen to my favorite songs. I have been trying to cut down smoking, videogames, everything and just try to do it in healthier amounts. I am still unemployed but I am planning to go to school again starting September, this time I want to graduate and finally be able to help my mom. Just do the things you love, love your body, your mind and your soul. You are not alone and you will never be. Thank you, for reading this unnecessarily long thread. Hope this can be of use to somebody out there. Lots of love to all of you. Depressed and (was) seeking help.",Depression +19924,"I prayed to God to stop them, and prayed and prayed. Why are this people keep bullying me? I am happy, when they leave me alone. Please make them stop",Suicidal +19925,"I just suck. I am no good at anything and even managed to ruin my gf's life now too. Gave her a delta 8 gummy like 43 days before she had a drug panel. And it is been sent to a lab for ""further testing"" I feel like such a fucking cancer. If it were not for me everything could.be fine. But I did not just manage to fuck up my own life I fucked up hers too. Wtf is wrong with me. I am so much luckier than most people to even have 1 or 2 nice things in life and I just have to fuck them up. The world would be better off without me in it. I ruin everything I touch",Depression +19926,I know one day this shit is over and maybe i will not be happy but i will not suffer like now. Its seems never ending but i know that day is coming. Fuck depression,Depression +19927,I heard that some die from breaking their necks and sometimes they die from a slow agonising death. The worst is when someone hangs themselves and get brain damage or paralysed. Maybe this is not the correct place to ask but how can someone commit suicide by hanging. How does one hanging themselves die?,Suicidal +19928,"Right now as i write i am immensely thinking how there is literally no point for me to love anymore. I am actually thinking of giving up and doing a dive off to be done with this life. I am holding myself together, but i feel like that is only temporary. I see no point",Suicidal +19929,"Hey guys, what songs do you usually listen to when you are depressed? I will start sharing, mine would be Moving On by KYUHYUN. Sometimes Daystar by KYUHYUN too. It just hits right where it hurts. What about you? Song suggestions",Suicidal +19930,"I feel like people took away my freedom. I am human being and I deserve to have my freedom to live, to do what I want, to be who I want. Why do I feel like I am in the box with all this people who are taking away everything? I want them to stop",Depression +19931,"Hey guys, what games do you play or what do you do when you are sad or want to distract yourself? Past time",Suicidal +19932,"I just do not know what I am supposed to do anymore. I have not had a holiday in 3 years, no relationship either, I am putting most of my money into repairing my parent's house but it is just not enough. My dad needs heart surgery now so I will have to pay debt for another few years. I am just so done. I am an only child so there is no one else to take care of the house or help my parents. And it is pretty bad, like this summer there was a storm and water got into the ceiling. I cannot invite anyone oever, we do not even have a bathroom. Why was not I born in a western country or in a richer family? I try to go to sleep every night by imagining I have a proper place to live in. I feel like I am going to make a bad decision some of these days. Is this how bank robbers are born lol... Poverty is just eating me away",Depression +19933,"I am 27. Right now I feel very lost and I do not know what to do with my life anymore. I am married but I feel alone anyway. It seems that I cannot cope with the many stressors in my life including my own relationship. it is funny, because I have goals and I want to achieve them but cannot seem to do anything. I feel stuck no matter what I do. I cannot sleep and I cannot eat. I am always so irritated and upset. It seems my husband does not really care about communicating with me about how I am feeling. 7 months ago, I felt more alive but still very empty in a way. I was just starting to figure out my life and go back to College.. I was also trying to move on from this marriage because I just could not cope with what I have gone through with him. We do not even live together and I feel I am always going to be a bother or needy when I needed him the most. We had gotten back together from a long break in December. We were not happy but I intentionally left him slowly without communication..it slowly died off and he began to worry....I just could not deal with feeling unloved so I wanted to leave and clear my head. Now I am starting to feel like I was stupid. His promises never fulfilled or the countless talks on improving and working on ourselves are thrown away because he just lies to me and never really apologizes when he makes mistakes... When I get upset, I can say the most hurtful things and then feel the most unbearable sadness and regret. I have such low self esteem compared to how I was when I was trying to move on. there is so much to say and I wish I could explain our relationship more on here to get a full picture of my situation...The point is, I honestly would rather die alone then to be with someone who makes me feel alone. I am already contemplating and death is on my mind as of recent. I am just a she will. I am not even living, I am already dead so what is the point. Loneliness",Suicidal +19934,help please i feel so guilty ok,Depression +19935,Lie to me that it will be all right Please just tell me that everything is going to be okay,Depression +19936,"I have tried talk therapy several times, and it just does not work well for me. I cannot seem to communicate what I am thinking or feeling very well talking to someone I do not know well. But I know that I do very well communicating my thoughts through writing. I am wondering if there is any kind of therapy where you write out your feelings and can get feedback from a therapist to the writing? Am I explaining this well? Is there such a thing as writing therapy?",Depression +19937,"Do you ever wake up suicidal, spend the day feeling suicidal and go to bed, wishing you would never wake up again? I have been dealing with this feelings for a while now. I believe that things will get better, that life will get easier; but lately, I kind of feel like it is not worth it, to go through all of this mess just because i feel like i might get a glimpse of happiness in the far future. I just cannot take it anymore.I tried talking to some of my friends about this stuff, they try to be nice and supportive but they cannot make me feel better. I know i should seek professional help, but let us just say it is not an easy option for a person in my circumstances. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I feel like it is not worth it",Depression +19938,"little bit of background info, I am a 25/f arab/muslim who has never been in a relationship. i have typical arab features, big black eyes long black hair etc. 170cm 80kg (curvy) I have been depressed since i was 16.4 months ago i lost a close friend of mine who never really appreciated me. i went into a spiral after that and realised no one really stuck around. I am a fairly good person who admits to my mistakes. I have been seeing a therapist and I have been working on myself and things have been going great but today i feel overwhelmed. lately I have been projecting my feelings into anyone i meet. my therapist, chiropractor, physiotherapisti chose them as males BECAUSE i wanted to see what it would feel like to have a man around me. they are all taken.I have recently fell for this guy i met online on clubhouse (were a bunch of friends who hang out everyday and talk) and hes so sweet to me, i just told him i cannot go to sleep without hearing your voice and that that is weird to me and he said that i would change my mind when i wake upi took that as a no thanks. and i just started crying and have been crying the past two hours because a man has never admitted that he wants to be with me me or has been with me or love me or even loved me and proved it and i am realising i am so touch deprived that my depressions root because is being touch deprived and passion deprivedis this normal. why am i fucked up. i am so sad it hurts everyday. i make big scenarios in my head just to validate myselfwhat do i do. how do i get men to be attracted to a muslim girl who wears a hijab i cannot even take it off bc that is my religion every shot i shoot never goes according to plan. why do i feel like i need a mans validation why am i like this why do i project into people who want to help me i cannot stop crying at the fact that I have never felt passion",Depression +19939,"I am not really depressed, but lately I have been seriously contemplating suicide.Though I am not depressed my life is pretty shitty. i have no friends, a toxic family, were borderline poor, ect. i have no joy in life. i have no motivation.I have nothing to look forward to. i have no dreams or aspirations, I am not good at anything, i have no idea what i want to do in life. I am too awkward to get anything done or get a relationship, i simply cannot picture a future where I am happy.So with the combination of a shitty life now and likely an even shittier life in the future wtf is the point. i have nothing and no one, i used to be so optimistic but now that me is nowhere to be found, i genuinely do not think ill make it through the summer. i have a plan and the equipment only reason I am still here is because my parents do not know shit about taking care of a dog wtf is the point",Suicidal +19940,Hey to anyone out there. This is my first ever post and I am on my phone so I am sorry if this is not done correctly. I do not exactly know what I am hoping to get out of writing here. I guess I just needed somewhere to talk where it would not feel completely irrelevant. Lately it kind of feels like I am shouting into this black void hoping someone might say something back to me but its just echos of myself. I feel so so unbelievably alone every second of every minute of everyday. I have had diagnosed depression since I was 14 (I am now 25) so I know this will pass. I know Ill be okay. And I know that soon Ill be happy. But I feel empty. I am so sad and so exhausted from having to pretend to be okay because I cannot burden anyone. Whenever I try to talk to a friend it turns into me being their therapist and hearing how badly they have it. It makes me mad because its selfish. And then I feel horrendously guilty for being mad. I told my friend I had to cancel our plans and when he asked why I was honest and said it was because my depression was really bad and my intrusive thoughts about suicide (I have no desire to die. My doctor explained to me its my brains way of giving me an out. Fight or flight). He then spent forty five minutes telling me about how depressed HE is and how I am the only one he can talk to. I felt like I was drowning. To put all of that on me he would not even go to a doctor or a professional. He just expected me to take care of it. That was two months ago and I have tried to distance myself. I had another friend telling me how she tried to overdose on pills. And another asking me to go with her to get a restraining order. Its so much weight on me. I have absolutely nothing to give to anyone. I barely have anything to give to myself. I have my own struggles and I am trying to work through my very first real heartbreak and I am embarrassed that I am as sad as I am over it. Its just been hard. I am going to try to start going to therapy again. It helps to talk which is why I came here. I have no one right now. Sorry this was such a rambling mess. I just wanted someone somewhere to hear me and know how I feel. I do not know why. I guess sharing my feelings gives them validity somehow. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read. I appreciate it.Sorry again if I did not do this right. Its become a struggle,Depression +19941,"it is only my 2nd week on this new medication and I already fucking forgot it along with my whole backpack that I NEED for school. I seriously feel so beyond stupid and I cannot stop crying. \hy the fuck am I like this?! I somehow always manage to find a way to fuck everything up. I am so sick of everything and I am so sick of even trying to get better. Why does everything have to feel like fucking shit, even when everybody around me is having so much fucking fun and happy as hell I still feel fucking indifferent. I am so done with this BULLSHIT.Even writing all of this feels pointless and is making me feel worse, venting does not even help anymore. Why is this happening to me? Why could not my life had just been fucking better? Why did stupid fucking people have to ruin my fucking brain as a kid?! And I cannot even fucking talk to anybody about it. I am so sick of everything, I just want to feel good again and stop feeling so goddamn empty. I am so tired of being a burden. I would kill myself if it were not for how terrible my girlfriend would feel. I forgot my medication. Venting.",Depression +19942,"tl;dr: I am doing better, my friends are so proud of me, I finally believe in myself and I see a bright future in front of me. My family does not. They keep insinuating that I will not ever get better and that I am lazy and will not do anything with my life. How do I not go back to the dark place I was?A month ago was the first time I had felt genuine joy since 5th grade. After so many years of suicidal thoughts and apathy towards my life and future I started to have plans for my future, I started to think about studying languages, I started to say no, I finally was standing up for myself.I now know I can do whatever I want to do. I now know I have friends that love me as much as I love them, and they are so happy that I am doing better, that I hang out with them, they are proud of me. And my therapists have also told me that I am clearly doing better, and they are also happy for me.I feel like I am rediscovering life, without this dark veil that was covering my face because of my past and my family. Speaking of family, unlike my friends I feel like they do not trust me to move on and have my own life, they demoralize me and I just feel like I am going backwards on my progress when I am back home (I live with them). They keep saying things like ""you have to work, you have to study blablabla"" ""what if you start acting like before"" in a very condescending and negative manner, as if I was the lazy useless person I thought I was for all these years. And whenever I talk about doing things with my life they are always like ""yeah but if you want to do those things you have to start working otherwise you are not going to do anything"", like, I know all those things, they do not need to constantly repeat that all the time.They do not believe in me and I am scared that I might go back to where I was. Does anyone know what I am talking about? I do not know if any advise can be given but that would be cool. After almost a decade I am finally doing better. My friends are very proud of me, but my family does not trust me to move on with my life",Depression +19943,"I am constantly thinking ""I have so much to offer but nobody's giving me a chance"", but honestly that is true for all of us. My sympathy goes out to anyone struggling with loneliness right now. Why does healthy love have to be so difficult to find? Why does depression make it a hundred times more difficult? Why are there so many bottlenecks to meeting the right person? I know there is at least one person out there I would get along with super well, if not a hundred thousand people, so where are any of them? When one has to weed through a thousand bad matches to find one good one, does not it make justified sense why so many people entirely give up on love, especially those who struggle with depression?I am one of those people. I try to keep my chin up but my path ahead does not look bright. I have been struggling with suicidality and severe depression for two years, barely able to cope. I have had three jobs and all of them have soon after ended due to my mental health quickly deteriorating. I am embarrassingly about to start filing for disability for mental health reasons, and that only makes my chances of finding someone willing to be in a relationship with me even slimmer. Nearly everyone is looking for people who already have all their shit together, but what about those of us who do not? What about those of us who might never reach that point? do not we deserve love just as much as anyone else?All I want is someone to live life with. I am tired of living without living. I just want to live with somebody and spend my days loving them. I want someone who understands how depression can make someone like myself seem like a fully functioning member of society one day and someone who gave up on life the next. Someone who one day is extremely confident and invested in the music I write and the next day feels no motivation to continue with it. If I could control my depression, control my mood, and get my shit together- that would make my life a million times easier- but I (at least currently) cannot seem to do that, and as a result, I am all alone and struggling to meet anyone I would make a good pair with, and I bet I am not the only one. We all deserve love. Where is it?",Depression +19944,I just found out my ex cheated on me at the beginning and lies to me the whole relationship its been a y3a4 since we broke up now I rind myself sitting here with a knife and two bottles of vodka with no friends no relationship no one that gives a shit about me and on topnof 5hat I know I am an evil person so maybe this is my punishment I am a fuvkinh unless Pussy,Suicidal +19945,"I am at that point in my life when I am not sure if I am of any worth to anybody. When I get into my depressive episodes, I feel like everybody is just tired of me. I do not think anyone even tries to figure out how to help me. They just give up. I am nearing that time when I just want to give up too. I do not think anyone would really notice if I am gone. Maybe they would even feel relieved nobody like me exists in their life anymore I am getting tired and I am not sure how to rest anymore",Depression +19946,I am so frustrated with myself. I was just telling my friends how I am finally happy again. Now I feel like a massive failure for needing to talk to my support group because the depression is so bad. I cannot stop playing theae stupid conversations in my head of dumb shit I said. My friends have told me all is good but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Frustrated. Was full on happy for a month suddenly full on depression,Depression +19947,"I might have depression I might not. I fit all the boxes, relate to the stories, but I do not trust myself. I have pulled some crazy crap in the past to try and be cool, and how do I know this is any different? I could just be making this all up. But things are different. I cannot deny that. It just feels like I cannot remember what simple pleasure or joy feels like, its just anger, sadness, and numbness. It feels like the life has been sucked out of me, but I still do not believe myself. As I write this, I come more and more to terms with it, but the next challenge will be seeing if my parents believe me. Generally, I want to vent but do not have the energy. I just need a diagnosis and some way to stabilize myself. I do not even know",Depression +19948,All I do is hurt those around me so I think its better for me to stay away from them. I ruin every good thing around me with my own two hands. I always wanted to end up with a partner who is so in love with me but I am just so convinced that I am unlovable. It all happens for a reason. Peace. Made peace with the fact that Ill end up alone,Depression +19949,I have been depressed for about 4 and a half years and well go start with I have never known if i actually am. I was never called depressed officially but I am on antidepressants on the advice of a psychiatrist. I have always felt like I am making it up for attention.I have also never self harmed which to be clear I am very glad about. But everyone i know who is depressed has self harmed and I just feel like this adds to my concerns that I am making this all up.Is it normal that I am depressed and have never self harmed or felt the desire to? Is it weird that I have never self harmed?,Depression +19950,"I felt depressed during the school year, still do, but sometimes I question my depression and whether or not I actually am depressed. I am still able to get up, walk around, smile, laugh, etc. The thing is I am just very tired all the time. I sleep for 15 hrs a day and when I am not showering eating, getting ready, or out in public, I am just lying in bed. I am very nervous all the time and almost always upset or drained, whether I have a reason to be or not. I have self harmed and contemplated suicide just last month, and self harmed all throughout the school yr. I obviously do not have it as bad as some people but this all could be a product of my severe ocd or me being lazy and dramatic. I just do not know if I actually have depression. Am I depressed or am I just crazy?",Depression +19951,"I wish she did. I wish she had the money,the possibility to do that , so I would not have to hear her scream and cry every single moment of my life. I think Ill die soon , anyway. I already tried once , and when I woke up we were both so dissappointed , me and my mother. I cannot belive that money is the only reason I exist. I feel meaningless.I just hope dying means something more. My mom tells me every day that she wanted to abort me ,but she did not have money",Suicidal +19952,"Everyday the thought passes through my mind, I am not sure what to do, I have reached out to healthcare but there is no mental health professions where I live. I am thousands of miles away from my family that I can speak to about this, and talking to them on a subject matter this dark seems inappropriate online. I am glad that I am scared but it does not stop the lingering thoughts.",Suicidal +19953,Hi so yesterday I posted that I was getting my crap together and it was my first dayI made it you all! I accomplished 90% of what I had to do and took my niece to the park. Great first 24 hours! I am going to do it again too!! Second day of Normalcy (my normal) . Thanks again Redditors! you all Rock! ITS HAPPENING FOR ME! Gratitude list is plentiful today! First Day Success!,Depression +19954,"Its important to take your time when getting better considering mental health. But holy fuck I do not have anytime to get better. I am failing year 11 and if I keep going like this then I am going to have to repeat the year and I just do not know how I am going to cope with that. But I cannot get myself to do any of my work so what the fuck am I supposed to do? I cannot wait to get better because I am failing in the present and I really need to be better NOW not Fucking later down the line. An alternative would be dropling out and getting a job but frankly my anxiety makes going out hell so fuck that. I am going to therapy, I am on antidepressants, I have good friends and a good family, what the fuck am I doing wrong????? I do not have enough time",Depression +19955,"Hate. Hate is too kind a word for the detestability I self-inflict upon myself. I am a traitor in my own mind. Wanting to betray my heart and usurp the throne. I have purloined my soul and left it an empty vessel. I take heed not of my salvation, for I do not fear death; I fear life more than and mercenary. It is a cruel and unjust bishop that shall condemn me to a purgatory of an unpayable debt I shall never reimburse. I shall not yield, I shall be my own executioner. However, I will fight, kick and scream. I will writhe like a woman in labour. Until this fateful day shall I meet this hooded apparition? Will he embrace me as kin, or shall I be burned in a pit of unending torment? I am the last soldier on the precipice of hope. I shall defend the unending hoard. I shall clad myself with the armour of a steely stubborn will, Greaves to protect my falling ambition into a chasm of inhibition, and I shall wear a pair of form-fitted yet Gaped Gauntlets to wield my blade of desperation. I will fight until my inevitable damnation. I am endowed with eternal hate, this I know...is my fate. A pessimist is just a disappointed optimist (vent poem)",Depression +19956,"Hello everyone, I just turned 22 years old and I feel like worthless peace of shit. Through a lot of time I feel great about myself, I can stay really positive, but at times facing parents criticism for living in hothouse environment makes my emotions so high that I want just disappear and only then I started to see my negatives and realising how much more work I need to do. I feel worthless becouse I am really good looking guy, I used to approach about 30 females in one year confidentiality but nothing of it worked. I feel like if I would chase them I will never have the one I deserved and my life going to be miserable. I read 28 books in year although in my whole lifetime I read only few. I really try as much as possible to push me through this situation but everytime I do I fail. I want to study psychology becouse for few years I used to suffered anxiety attacks, besides that I probably need to pass some exams from high school which makes me not believe in myself becouse my past results were not the best since I did not used enough efforts to learn I thought I will play sports professional. I also failed 6 times on my driving exams which also made me believe that I am not capable of anything, I drive pretty good, but then exams come I cannot cope with stress and feeling exhausted. I do not really know how I keep pushing myself still trying after that much failing, I do not know how I keep that up. Suddenly, I understood how fast time goes and I start doing everything to improve myself, I became really desperate with a mindset now or never. My biggest fear is not to have a girlfriend I want in terms of looks and not having a private house. I really know it is possible to achieve it for me but I do not know how, how to cope with negative thoughts that you will fail again, how to remove fair of rejection and how to be very independent, since my parents are very controling so it is hard for me to do independent choises alone. I understood that if I will define my passion in psychology I can be really successful and dedicate all the time to it, but I still need come long way becouse it is now my life and I am fully responsible of myself. I do not blame anybody for the concequences happened to me. I took all my responsibility for myself. I want to say to others I did not gave up then it was hard so you too will not give up for me. I feel like I am not living and just existing becouse everytime I fail and something I gave up for couple of months and tough myself as biggest failure in the world. I understand that I need to get a lot more rejections from jobs interviews and people to beat the fear of rejection. I feel really stuck that I cannot achieve some pretty easy goals for longer time then others. I know and feel that now is the time to rise above and achieve my dreams, overwise I will live with regret for rest of my life, I even regret things I did not do earlier like searching for my passion and wasting time with snowflake friends which were friends for me just for their needs. In addition, I want to begin trading stocks, but my parents said it is risky and I am afraid to doing it. I really hope someone experienced some alike situation and if not alike tell me how I can get through this everyday anxiety and achieve my goals, the only good thing I guess that I still have plenty of time,I really try hard sometimes, but maybe it is not enough, it is hard to live with constant pressure and self guilt everyday of not being who you truly could be. I also hit gym and was fit as never before but then covid began I gave myself excuses and quit gym. Thank you in advance. I told my parents that I will go to work my first job at grocery store just to get a work experience and bit of independence. I need your advice guys",Suicidal +19957,I just spoke to my friend who is now banned from reddit because someone made a post calling depressed people hollows. So he made A Dark souls joke because you are character in that is a hollow which means you always resurrect at bonfires. So he made a joke bout how you could not even kill yourself if you were hollow because you resurrect and how much that would suck. Hes now banned for apparently threatening violence. This is really irresponsible on the mods part. He did nothing to anyone and now a suicidal persons support system to talk to is gone. Please be more careful in future. I am currently talking him down. Hes appealed the ban but no reply. Just lucky I gave him my SC before this. Friend banned for nothing. Really dangerous.,Depression +19958,"Every morning feels like a burden no matter how much I try to stay positive and feel greatful I feel so selfish for feeling bad. I have so much physical pain for seemingly no reason. I have read depression is physical as well as mental and it seems no matter how much a try to cope, have a routine, the pain is still there. I am not sure how else to go about this. I have covered every avenue I can think of from exercise, diet, therapy, and I am also on meds. I wish basic life was not so difficult for me. I do not know what else to do at this point all I know is I am tired of feeling in pain. Pain",Depression +19959,"So I am 23 and am about to be convicted of a sex crime because a 17 year old sent me an underwear pic, which I did not ask for and did not keep. Cops found it in a cached Internet file that i did not even know existed after she reported me. I am from the UK so will be permanently banned from the US, Canada, Australia NZ and pretty much every country outside of Europe. Its also ended my career (was training as a pilot). How the hell do I begin to accept what is happening to me and begin to forgive myself for speaking to them in the first place, and stop cursing God for letting this happen to me. I had so many plans, so many things i wanted to do and things i wanted to see and now I have ruined my own life all for the sake of cheap flirting. Coping with not being able to travel",Depression +19960,"Anyone knows what is the most painless way to kill oneself?I will accept anyways sure fire ways, even if its painful but quick or leaves behind a gory sceneI want to prevent staying near a ledge of a tall place to prevent suspicious eyes, I want to ride a train there and contemplate my final moments till then, last moment of bliss Modus Operandi",Suicidal +19961,"Its been this way for three... fucking... years... I have not seen anyone outside of school, work, or my family because my plans keep falling apart because of BULLSHIT EXCUSES... every single fucking time. Why is it like this? Am I just astronomically unlucky? Every time I get my hopes up... I am finally going to see someone and get to talk to them! Then the day comes and turns out they made other plans. Or some other bs. Its always the same I do not know why I ever expect anything different. I am nothing but a pest that will not go away to these people. I just want to cut myself open and die like the disgusting cockroach that I am. Why do my plans keep falling through?",Suicidal +19962,"I have an abusive parent. I have never had any friends or any personal contacts at all who were not abusive. My whole life, I just drifted towards people who treat me the way that parent does.&#x200B;I have tried to make other friends, but they always abandon me because they see me having anxiety attacks. &#x200B;I have never had a (non-abusive) friendship that lasted longer than a month.&#x200B;I have never had a job that lasted longer than 2 months.&#x200B;If I do not get a job soon, I am going to have to move back in with that abusive parent, and near enough to other abusive people from my past that I will not be able to avoid them.&#x200B;Contact from said abusive parent made me have an anxiety attack so bad that I could barely talk during one job interview and lost that opportunity.&#x200B;I want to cut this person off completely, but I have absolutely no one else to talk to.&#x200B;I have absolutely 0 people who I am not a complete stranger to. &#x200B;I call the suicide hotlines a lot and they make me feel worse. I have been to hospitals for all that kind of stuff, they always make me feel worse. The only times I have ever seriously attempted suicide were right after leaving hospitals, because of the way I was treated in the hospital.&#x200B;I am used to making posts like this and getting more hurtful comments from people. Like. ""If you have never had any friends, it must be because you are a selfish asshole, you need to go out and just do more for other people and give more to other people"" -- I told myself that for 10+ years and it made me stay in so many abusive relationships. &#x200B;And people offer to be friends with me, but then they turn on me and get abusive when they find out I write erotic fanfics, or things like that. Or when they find out I do not live in the same country as them. &#x200B;Usually I end up relying on that abuser for emotional support, because, as abusive as they are half the time, the other half, they are better than people online. Even their abusive side is friendlier than people online have ever been to me.&#x200B;So I do not know why I am here. No personal contacts at all except my abuser",Suicidal +19963,"Got home from the vet and she has problems with her heart and kidneys. Meds might help and give more time but she will not be back to normal. I do not know what to do, she is the only reason I am here now and the only thing I have not lost yet. When she is gone I will have nothing. I will not be able to take being home completely by myself. This was all a miserable experience, it will soon finally be over. My cat is dying",Suicidal +19964,"So, basically I have been super lonely lately... I do not really have any friends. My best friend was my ex girlfriend, but we broke up last year, and she has a new boyfriend... we are still friends but it is definitely not the same, and I find myself crying at night and not wanting to go on because I feel like I ruined our relationship. I do not think I will ever meet anyone who I feel the same way about. I am a socially awkward/anxious dude, I have been on some dates but I just do not feel a connection with a lot of people. Some days I struggle to make the most basic conversations with people, or I drive to the store and I do not go in because I cannot bear the thought of interacting with peopleIdk what else to say, I feel like life just is not for me. I do not fit in Feeling lonely and like I messed up",Suicidal +19965,"I often have dreams were my ribcage breaks or crushes and contorts it feels so painful in the dream I swear it wakes me up and I feel it, but yea i wake up with a fast heart rate and cold sweatsI'm on 187.5 mg of Effexor Weird dreams",Depression +19966,"I have noticed a get very depressed while eating sugar or carbohydrates. Last sunday I ate pasta, icream and chocolate for lunch, then I had fish, fried potatoes and beer for dinner. I normally do not do this unhealthy eating with so many carbs, but on sundays I use to have some chocolate or something sweet. I started to feel so much depressed and my head was racing in negative thoughts, I ended up crying and with my suicidal thoughts. I have been depressed since I was a child, but I can see that having carbohidrates is the worst thing I can do. I have been observing this for a long time. Sugar makes me feel good in the moment but is an atomic bomb for my brain. Why could sugar make this? Have you also noticed it? Depression and sugar/carbohidrates",Depression +19967,"Somehow I am supposed to keep on ticking like everything is going to be okay, I am in a country with 0 support, a loveless relationship and I am stuck.I do not even know why I need to post this, there is something Inside me telling me too.Thanks for reading My life has fallen apart over the last year and I find there are less and less people to talk to the worse I get.",Depression +19968,"Does anyone know how to keep their dates straight? it is easy to set the preliminary run and to make preparations but it is hard to execute it, I cannot get my thoughts straight and natural instincts kick inI've given myself set dates couple months ago, but I chickened out at the last secondMaybe I will do it today, but this time if I cannot stay focused, I will just force myself to do it Being on time",Suicidal +19969,I am extremely ugly abusive family been raped broke as fuck completely worthless and its not all in my head therapy is no help I am tired of being treated like a flat fucking tire I have been dealt every bad card there is,Suicidal +19970,"I going to do it. I swear to god I am. I cannot live here anymore. I cannot live in general anymore. Its too hard. My parents are transphobic and homophobic and I am a transgender pansexual. My life is living hell. Seeing them hate on people like me, its just too hard. I need to either get out or die. And honestly, death seems the most appealing. I am done",Suicidal +19971,"I am reaching the end I really am at my wits end, end of my tether cannot shake it cannot change it I am either losing it or I am going to end it any shred of hope is pretty much gone God Jesus please do not let today be like yesterday I cannot handle this",Suicidal +19972,I honestly do not know what to do anymore. My room is a mess. Clothes all over the floor. Garbage everywhere. Dishes. Old molding food in my bed. My Pet snake had escaped and i cannot find here because i have shit everywhere and I am so scared Ill walk on her because i cannot even see the floor under all my clothes. Does anyone have advice how to clean ur room? I have been trying to clean it for months but i cannot seem to ever get the energy to do it. My life is a mess,Depression +19973,"it is never just quiet, normal, or simple.It can be for a time. But it is not long before things start to crumble.If it is not home life, it is work, if it is not work it is the social life, or money.Sometimes it is all of the above. Some I have just learned to live with.I am growing extremely weary of all this, every year always has some new obstacle (most of the time, which I never ask for, or instigate) Constant curveballs and blockades in life.",Depression +19974,"Aside from the cathartic expression in this kind of writing which can be beneficial, can writing suicide notes to loved ones (but not send them) help to reduce suicidal ideation? Does anyone have experience with this? Can writing suicide notes help to stave off suicide?",Suicidal +19975,Yet one thousand steps back One step forward,Depression +19976,"cannot find a job. cannot find an emotional connection with someone. cannot lose weight. cannot sleep. cannot love myself. cannot stop being lonely. cannot get out of bed. cannot make good life decisions. cannot get people to like me. If I start trying, I just ask myself why? I know I am not going to succeed anyways. what is the point of putting in the effort? what is the point",Depression +19977,"I just want to know what its like, just fucking once. I have gone my whole fucking life without it. My dad hit me more times than he hugged me. My mum did not give two shits about me, tried to kill herself 3 times before I even turned 12 just to prove that point. And that is not to mention all the other shit they both put on me. Never even had friends growing up, moved around too much, just did my best to assimilate with new groups by wearing masks and leaving them behind just as quickly.Only ever had one friend in adulthood. Think she did care about me for a while, but I fell in love with her and she did not feel the same way. Between that and my constant mentally ill bullshit, guess I scared her away because she is barely spoken to me at all for almost 2 years now and I have not seen her in just as long.Never had a girlfriend either. cannot imagine it would be anything but a total fucking disaster and I do not think I can handle losing someone I actually care about because of my own bullshit again. Tried using shit like Tinder but it fucking sucks. Besides, I know I am not good enough for a relationship so what the fuck am I even trying to accomplish by asking women out? Sex is just fucking pointless to me at this point so I really do not know what the end goal is and I just stop bothering.I know people say you have got to love yourself first but I do not know what the fuck that feels like because I have nothing to go off. Feels like I am caught in an endless cycle of cannot be loved till I love myself and cannot love myself until I learn what being loved is like. Its fucking torture. do not even think it fucking matters anymore, think I have lost the ability to be around people anymore anyway. cannot handle it. Every time I have tried to make myself be around people or make new friends I just get fucking agitated with everyone and want to be left the fuck alone. cannot even hold down a job anymore because I cannot speak to the public on a regular basis without doing shit that gets me fired. People just aggravate me and I do not know how to fix that. Medication does not fix it, does not do fucking anything, neither does therapy. Guess there is no solution.Just so fucking sick of being completely alone in the world, having to do all this shit by myself every fucking day, with nothing ever getting better or easier. And its a fucking catch 22 because the longer this shit goes on the harder it gets to be around anyone, the worse my truest issues get and the more I realise I am probably always going to be fucking unstable to some degree and Ill never be good enough to have relationships and shit because I have got nothing to offer but chaos and self-destruction. I just wish one fucking person loved me",Depression +19978,"I wasted so much time in useless stuff such as gaming, porn and useless media that I have become a shitty being, I am starting to hate the fact no parent helped me develop myself when i was a child, now I am in my late teens and have no skills, talents and hobbies, I am so clumsy and dumb so even if i start something I am going to be so bad at it that I will be thinking about killing myself, if they helped me out i would not have made so much mistakes and have so much regrets in such age, i would be good at at least something and it would make things different because no matter how bad things are when you know that you are worthy and have reedeming traits to compensate your flaws it changes your entire perspective, it is different when you have no strengh or positive quality to be proud of, there is a masssive difference with being a person who has low self eestem and inferiority complex all in the mind and being actually bad at everything.Hell, even if sudenly things got better and i became a better person, i would still be behind most people of my age, fuck my life. I am useless",Suicidal +19979,"i have not felt this feeling in my chest of sadness since probably late 2020. i do not know why its back. once i accept the fact that i am meaningless, i am replaceable, and that i am not important, i will be able to move on with life and stop overthinking. i do not know what is wrong with me. i went on a trip recently and i had fun but i cannot remember what i felt when i was there. i only have this heavy feeling in my chest. when i try to remember the trip it seems like it was not actually me that went. or it seems like I am watching me live it again like a dream but i never did. and i do not know if i was happy or sad then because all i feel now is sadness. i do not know how to explain it. but its making me feel weird. like I am living but watching myself from the inside sometimes. like sometimes i will laugh or react to something but its not me reacting. its a reflex. i still feel empty inside. and my mind is watching from the inside asking why did i laugh its driving me insane I am over it",Depression +19980,I actually called the doctor to ask for an appointement today after 7 years to talk about my depression.I am so proud. I cannot stop crying. Called the doctor,Depression +19981,"Not sure its the right place for this post but I do not know where else to post this.I was usually really horny even in periods of depression and also when I was under treatment.But since the start of this week i feel no reason to even masturbate or watch porn, it seems useless even though it made me feel satisfied afterwards.Important to mention i feel stuck in life and quite frankly am stuck in life, with my job that i literally cannot quit tho i want to really badly, i feel like an outcast.So much more going on but I do not know how to put it into words. Help I have lost my labido",Depression +19982,"If you are here Mark, know that I am a few days from spending two weeks with you and then planning to end everything.You do not know this. You will not know this. This will crush you. It will crush my family. My son. But you all need to know that I cannot live anymore. I cannot cope. You offered me so much support. But I always knew that I would do this.I have told you to look at this on my phone. you will see all of my posts. And all of my comments to others, where I offer them support. And yet I am not accepting it myself.It will not hurt me for long. I will go thinking of you all. It does not take long. that is a fact that I will be telling you when I see you. Because I learnt how long it is today. I will be telling you an interesting fact, but to me, it will become my reality.I love you. I have hurt you so much. And you were right to feel hurt. You need to know, that is not what drove me to this. Because you are one of the reasons I held on for so long.I will leave you more than just this. I will leave you, my son and my parents so much more than this.But you need to be here and you need to see how trapped I am in my own head. Mark, read this",Suicidal +19983,"Hi I just wanted to rant a bit anyway. I feel like I am a complete loser , and talentless burden. I have wasted,18 years of my life, doing nothing. I like the thought of trying writing, and painting, but I feel like I am to old to ever really become good at those things. I see every around me is good at something, and it just makes me furious. I sorta blame myself , and a bit of my parents. I was never really given anything I found interesting. They never gave me a chance to try anything or never bothered to reach me. I use to deconstruct things and,put them together. Got yelled at.wanted to join chess club no, karate to dangerous,programming you will break the computer. Pc building to complicated. Ugh I just wanted to read, but seldom did they get me books. It feels like I have been fucked. Poor,dumb,sheltered,asperges and never once got to get good, or at least a head start on anything. I harbor no Ill will,towards my sister when I say this, but they gave her all the attention. They just sat me in front of a tv with a crappy console. My dad always yelled at me, mom always gaslighting me,and sheltered me. Now I feel like I should just end it. I am to far gone to master,or do anything. Talent",Suicidal +19984,"So we have been dating for 5 years and married for 2.My Partner's depression is more intense than mine.We are able to talk openly about our feelings and we both have a decent understanding about these things. The challenge is that when we are both low (like at the moment), I feel I have to be strong and supportive even though I do not even have the capacity to help myself.But I do it... I keep my head up and stay strong for her.I know I should share my feelings with her as I know she would want me to, but I just cannot do it.She is very supportive and caring when I am feeling low and she is strong, but today is difficult. Depressed living with a depressed partner.",Depression +19985,"I have been dealing with some really bad mental health for the last 2-3 years. I am about to be 22 and since high school its only gotten worse. I have horrible intrusive thoughts that make me feel sick and anxiety that completely isolates me. I genuinely feel like I do not belong here, I do not feel like I serve a purpose. I am seriously alone besides a few people in my life and my family just does not feel like one. I feel disgusting as a human being, and feel like no one can ever love me. So many things are on my plate rn and I do not know what to juggle or how to handle it. I really want to get on medication but I am scared of the side effects. Life feels doable one minute and the next I do not feel like being here. It hurts to write this as I do not feel like that is good to say but its just how I feel. I hate who I am and how I think and the thoughts that go through my head. I just want to be of free of them and feel fulfilled. I am an empty she will of what I should be and hate every second of what I am Rn. I need help I need to get on something, I just do not know what",Depression +19986,"I really need to tell, or ask at least my parents for help, but I cannot for the life of me bring it up in person. Would it be a good idea to text them, or should I just tell them.I am thinking texting would give me time to think about what I want to say, and then I could text them while at work, but it will probably be horrible when I get home. Should I text my parents what I feel?",Depression +19987,Being alive is such fucking torture I want to die so fucking bad I cannot take it anymore Torture,Depression +19988,"I do not use reddit at all but I just wanted to share what I am going through and hopefully someone can take time to read this and reply because I do need some type of support from another person. I am 19 and I have always had underlying issues like anxiety or this impending sadness that I have always pushed to the side growing up as a teen because my parents have never even talked about mental health. I even was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid but my mom has a huge stigma on mental health and told the doctors I am just a kid. I thought it was normal that growing up I would get extremely nervous before doing anything/simple tasks. I also would get distracted so easily and was never able to sit down and do work at school/home. My mom was also emotionally abusive at times and would rarely hit me but when she did its over things that she should not be putting her hands on me for. Thinking about it high school was a dark time for me but at the time I did not feel that bad about it until it caught up to me after i graduated. My mom is a great mother but she has never listened to my opinion and has always kept me in a box. She was a helicopter mom checking what I do all the time and this led me to have little to no social life in high school. Also my highschool was so sick and twisted I could go into a whole other post about it. I kept telling my mom to take me out of that school but of course she never listened and forced me to go to a school with only about 200-300 students. The students all acted way younger than there age. The seniors would act like 6th graders and it was just such a weird and confusing environment. I am very angry at my mom but I do love her immensely so When I turned 18 that is when a lot of my issues caught up with me. I was unhappy and unable to even speak to people. My anxiety became worse when i would start shaking before even speaking to somebody. I started to notice that the friends and the people i knew at the time are not what I am looking for in friends. I do not know if that is my depression making me think all my friends are not people i want to be around but regardelsss i pushed everyone away. While going through such a horrible phase my 18 year was hell. My mom thought i was changing and being cold when in reality i was just really really down. She made me feel bad for the way i was feeling and still does till this day. I had no social life or any friends because i pushed everyone away. One positive about my 18 year is i finally found my passion but i wish i discovered myself earlier. I also have zero idea how to start. Now I am 19 and my anxiety and depression have become debilitating. I quit my job and I am in my room all the time with no contact with ppl besides my online friends (i was in my room all the time in high school too). I have now become distant to my family and i feel so distant from everybody. I have daily intrusive and very sad thoughts 24/7. I am already getting therapy but i feel so bad at times. I right now cannot imagine myself having a job or going to college. It almost seems impossible to me. I Also judge people so much and think that I am above others in my head but i truly know its because I am unhappy with myself. my mom is extremely judgmental too so its hard for me to do things i like without her judging me. I just need someone to talk to, Ill try to reply but i might forget i even wrote this post or be too nervous to reply. I need advice about my my mental health,social life, what I am interested in, and about my old friends in which i pushed away out of both my own choice and my mental health. I do not know where to get started. Just need to speak about what I am going through (Long post)",Depression +19989,"I have been going through a bad depressive episode through the past month or so... I have just found out my dad is going to lose his job and that my boss has been thinking of firing me for the past few weeks because I am lazy and not hardworking, even though I have been trying to work harder through the depression. I cannot help but feel how badly i want this pain to end, every night i lay in my bed wishing there was an easy way for me to make it all stop and end this suffering. I do not want to hurt anymore, i know there is other solutions that take time, but i cannot help wanting to end it all, I am so tired of trying and pushing and no one recognises or respects how far I have grown and pushed through to be 'successful'...but it does not matter at all, peoples perceptions and thoughts wound me and i languish over them for so long, everything hurts and every decision i make is never good enough....i just wish i had someone i could rely on for support....no one is really there for me through everything.....people are there here and there, but as soon as things get really bad i have no one i can talk to or rely on. I just want the pain to end, so badly....i do not want to keep pushing and face what the next day will throw at me to knock me down, I am tired of getting up everytime to be smacked back down hard again without anyone to be there or help me.I am so tired of everything and i do not know how to stop wanting to end it all in a moment. Struggling",Suicidal +19990,"I just feel very tired to be in my head all the time dealing with anxiety and the bouts of depression that come like a big wave that submerges me into a dark place- where I cannot function. My dad died when I was 14 and its just me and my mum. I am 26 now but I still mourn the loss of my dad like it happened yesterday. she is one of the reasons I am trying not to kill myself, at least while she is still around. When I was younger I thought that if I died Id get to see my dad again but then I lost belief in god or even that possibility happening but I still want it to end sometimes cos I am so exhausted of just feeling sad and alone. I have a boyfriend who does not understand or try to understand nor empathise with me. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he loves me even though I am depressed or even though I have anxiety. Not constantly make me feel like I am not good enough. Why cannot he be kinder and more compassionate :(Someone tell me it gets better and that I will not always feel like this. Someone tell me i do not have to die for it to go away I close my eyes and think of killing myself sometimes",Suicidal +19991,"I have no access to any tall buildings, guns, and sturdy enough ceilings to hang myself from. I cannot face another fucking day. This has been going on for too long and I do not know how to finally end it. I want to kill myself but I do not know how to. I have been trying to for the past 9 months now and it just would not end. This is torturous.",Suicidal +19992,"The past month (if not the past decade) has been a rollercoaster and I feel like I am so on edge and close to going crazy all the time. I might not be as bad as I was a couple weeks ago, but it feels like hell trying to control my brain and stop all the thoughts that are so strong in my head. I have had my mental health assessment appointment cancelled on me that was supposed to be today, so I feel so lost even though I have been actually trying to get help. It feels like no matter what I do, the services that are actually supposed to help me do not even what to know.I cannot believe I am going to turn 26 tomorrow and I feel like shit and like everything in my life has gone back to square one. Why do I even try when so much of this world has gone to shit, or has always been shit? Its my birthday tomorrow",Suicidal +19993,"I have always struggled with my mental health. I have severe severe anxiety and paranoia, probably sprung from a decade of drug and alcohol abuse in my 20s. I was doing so well since I knocked the drugs on the head at 29. But my paranoia has never disappeared. I am in a relationship with an incredible woman, but I have started slipping back into drug abuse again, and I feel like I am being gaslighted and I am unsure how to separate reality from fiction. That makes my innate paranoia a thousand times worse. I have no real way of coping with my paranoia soI dive back into smashing the booze and the booze almost always always leads to drugs which has lead me to being suicidal again. Its just easier not to have to think. I feel like a complete and utter burden to every single person I have in my life, I am fucking rubbish, no one should have to deal with my issues because I cannot keep my shit together. I feel like I have no worth, like I cannot get anything right in the world at all, I am a constant train wreck I simply cannot function with my thoughts. I have reached out desperately for help yesterday and today and have been met with little to no support or understanding from my family and friends. The crux does seem to be the gaslighting. It is really, really, really killing me and I need to know how to just drop the thoughts that things do not add up and simply trust her. I have been told by the family I have reached out to that I am selfish for seriously considering fucking hanging myself but how is it selfish to not want to live in constant, unending mental anguish and torment. I do not know what to do. I do not know what I need to feel better. I do not know how I can cope with all the thoughts swirling around in my mind or even remotely where to start. Its going to be much simpler to kill myself because I absolutely cannot deal with this shit. I am an awful fucking human being and the world would be better off without me. I cannot keep on rallying. It gets harder and harder the olde I get. Yesterday was my 33rd birthday and I have not wanted to kill myself as much as I did yesterday morning and today.",Suicidal +19994,"I have set 3 dates now and I posted them all on here. Naturally, I am still alive. I have 2 more weeks until my life may be irreparably changed and Ill have no choice but to take my life. We shall see I keep setting dates and living past them",Suicidal +19995,I really want to die but I feel I cannot ruin my family and friends life just because I am selfish and want to end my life. I really want to die but.,Suicidal +19996,(Recently diagnosed with mild depression). Its day 3 and I have started to really feel like myself for the first time in months. My doc told me it usually takes two weeks to work so I am pretty confused because I am already feeling completely different. what is going on? I am only on day 3 of Prozac and feel AMAZING,Depression +19997,"I get super bad anxiey/panic attacks when i realize I am never going to be happy in my own skin. I do not know what to say, ever. I am so lost and I cannot even talk to somebody about it because of the way I overthink how my words are interpretted. This is hard, I hate complaining",Suicidal +19998,"I have suspected I had ADHD since I was around 11 or 12. Never spoke up, just tried to live with it. Self harmed during middle and high school, before tapering off during college. Finally saw a psychiatrist and got diagnosed at 25. Meds help a little, but my skills are terribly broken. I struggle with everything from time management, object permanence, impulse control, planning. My daily struggle is spent procrastinating on taking my meds, being productive for a few hours, starving myself because I cannot find the will power to get up and cook when I am hungry, beating myself up mentally for wasting a whole day again, and promising myself that the next day wikl be better. Eating is a chore because I hate sitting down to plan, but grocery shopping without a plan is tough, and deciding what to cook on a whim every single day from my limited and random ingredients is a chore. And that is before I mention that I have no dishwasher so dishes are constantly piling up. I do not think I am depressed. I would love to give life a chance. I would love to find the right meds, and therapy that helps me live up to my potential. I know it is possible, because I have many friends with ADHD who have gotten their symptoms tamed enough that they are all living productive and meaningful lives. Yet, I feel so behind because they all got diagnosed in grade school, and have at least a decade of treatment that I do not. I do not feel like I can wait 10 years. I am impatient. I want results now. I have struggled for so long, that I cannot accept the fact that I have to keep struggling even though I am in treatment. I know I should just put up with the pain I am in, and trudge through my difficulties, but I keep seeing suicide as a get well quick scheme. I know it is not a great idea, and I really do not want to cut my life short, but I also hate having to struggle every single day of my existence. I have never known a day of peace, so I keep thinking about how nice it would be if I never had to deal with ADHD again. I wish I had more options beyond living the struggle, or giving up the fight. ADHD makes my life unbearable",Suicidal +19999,Any quick and painless ways to kill yourself? Any ways to kill myself?,Suicidal +20000,Trying to find the healthiest distractions when I am feeling low but all I can really do is sleep. Sleep until you cannot sleep anymore then up and thinking about a thousand different things. Idk what is supposed to help anymore. I really wish I could do something spontaneous like take off to another state/country for a few weeks but I cannot do that. I really cannot come up with a new escape. Not even stupid reality tv helps. Distractions,Depression +20001,"I have tried before, failed. Spent a week or so in a mental hospital while on active duty, ostracized and shit on by my ex wife while I was in the hospital. My whole life I had to watch my own back, growing up extremely poor in ghettos and around abusive people hoping my father would swoop in and save me one day but that never happened. Sexually abused by someone I thought I could trust when I was in grade school, I still cannot remember all the details because my brain will not let me, at least that is what my therapist explained to me and idk if that is good or bad. Gave my life and all of my love to my ex wife, only to have constant infidelity while on deployment but I still loved her, she FaceTimed me on my last deployment.... of her viciously punching her womb while in the 2nd trimester with our child. I had to watch her kill our child while trying to beg her to stop, then offer sympathy to her when I found out the kid was officially lost, but I was still the bad person. I would let her beat on me because I thought it was the right thing to take it like a man. My career was flushed because I tried to give her everything, I was damn good at my job too. I forgot how to function and began drinking a lot. I have failed at everything I tried to do in my life, if not at first a bit later. I was in therapy while still in, but after I got out that all went down the drain. Its been almost 2 years since I separated and I look nothing like I used to, a pile of sweaty shit that did not do anything but drink and get high to numb myself. I have been sober for a couple weeks which I should be proud of but now I think about offing myself even more. 9mm to my temple, easy off switch. The only reason I saw fit to keep living was to take care of my grandmother, but she is ok now and does not need me anymore. My mother died last October on her birthday, she froze to death in her own apartment. I was ignoring her because I could not handle her mental issues, what kind of piece of shit does that. She needed me. I am a jobless pos that does not know how to function in society, and I do not think I could ever handle a relationship again. I do not know who to talk to that would believe all of this and not look at me like yeah, okay buddy. I am not even sure why I am writing this. I hate myself more for whining about my problems. I am so tired of pretending to happy.. my thoughts and talking about my issues makes me feel like a crazy person, reality at times seems permanently warped, sometimes I feel like I succeeded and I am just living in some sort of fucked up purgatory. I have never been good enough for anyone, just a waste of space. The stuff anyone likes about me is a lie because I am pretending to be happy. Just a washed up pos vet, I do not feel deserving of that title either. This post is all over the place and I have no idea what I am trying to say or why I am even doing it. What is the fucking point of living, I have nothing meaningful to offer to anyone. I wish someone would kill me so my family would not have to deal with the memory of me doing it to myself. I am tired of living with my memories, so much fucked up shit I can never escape. But I do have signs of liver failure so hopefully that pans out and ends up killing me soon. It seems like just a matter of time.",Suicidal +20002,"I am out of options. Death is the best thing for me. Please do not try to sugarcoat it or convince me otherwise; its up to me to decide. Thing is, I am nowhere near as concerned about what will happen to me as I am about what will happen to my loved ones. My parents will be scarred for the rest of their lives, my siblings will be left without their brother, and my friends will never see me again. I love these people to death, but unfortunately, that love is not enough to make me want to stay in this living hell. I wish I did not have to hurt anyone to set myself free. I with I could make them forget I ever existed. If it was just me, I could easily end it all. But I cannot bring myself to hurt anyone else that badly.I wish someone would help me. Why is it so unrelenting?",Depression +20003,"I want to kill myself without anyone knowing, like if I could run away and somehow obtain and ingest KCN (is there an easy way of getting it?), that would solve everything. I do not want to exist anymore, I just want to become nothingness and not aware anymore, or erase myself from everyone is memories and delete myself from occupying space in the past and present, like fuck the meaning of life or ""nothing matters"", I do not care if there is significance or insignificance in this universe, it is all anthropocentric anyways. I just do not want to be here at all. I do not want to exist anymore, that is it. I just wish I had a choice to exist or to not exist before perceiving reality. .",Suicidal +20004,"Some days ago I decided to stop masturbating and watching porn because I think I was addicted to it, after that I sleep better, I have more energy and more of those ""positive things"", but I just realized, what have changed since I stopped? nothing, I am lonely, I am miserable and I am still a worthless piece of shit. there is no woman in the earth that would love me, so there is any benefit in stop masturbating? I am just stopped having that self pleasure and that false feeling of having a loot of partners to fuck, maybe I am a little more healthier now, but not more happy so what is the point?Maybe I should keep watching porn, anyway it is impossible for me to even talk to a girl, and after all the porn I have watched I do not think I can even be satisfied with a normal relationship because I was into hardcore stuff.I am sorry if something here does not make sense, I am not a native English speaker, just wanted to vent out here where nobody knows me. Porn addiction. Why even try to improve if I am lonely?",Depression +20005,I cannot keep feeling like this.I tested my method two days ago.I know it will work.I cannot fucking keep going like this. I am physically pained. I cannot cope anymore. I feel sick.,Suicidal +20006,I am just done with this world I really do not want to live anymore no one cares no one what is the point no one is going to read this I am done with my life its over Completely done with life,Suicidal +20007,Hey.. I am back here again.. I just need someone to vent to.. please.. Anybody..?,Suicidal +20008,"Hello there, I am 17 going off to college at the end of summer and just need some advice on what to do:)I have always been somewhat depressed and I have attempted at sophomore year of highschool(cops were called, etc.). However my parents reaction to it is something that I do not really understand. My father never talks about it, but my mom was the one who tried to make me feel better by telling me that others have it worse(people with no parents, money, limbs, etc.) and my reaction was ""over the line"". She even discovered my cutting scars and told me that I was crazy like a mental person. I even came out to her during this time but she rejected it completely, calling it gross and that I will grow out of the phase. Moving to rn,I try to do things I enjoy such as makeup, getting clothes, or hanging/talking to friends (stuff that I missed out on the first two years) I feel as though my parents want me to do things their way. One instance I was practicing doing heavy makeup since it is something I do not do often and my parents immediately started to discuss how I would be raped on campus and that I should not do time wasting things. Same things about my clothes, even though they are not revealing and I sometimes wear oversized clothes and big boots which they also openly do not like. This comes up many times, when I opened up to my dad about talking to a Muslim friend that I knew for two years and how he would ""ruin my life"" by raping me and I was not permitted to talk to him. It feels that my parents are pressuring me to live my life their way and it is taking me back to the dark place I was freshman and sophomore year. Any tips/advice on how to handle this situation would be heavily appreciated. Need help for confusing situation",Depression +20009,My fiancee and I got into another argument least night. A lot of shit got said and I ran once with the intention of just throwing myself of the bridge over the highway. He wrangled me back in and shit kept going. We called down and our room mate asked me to river her somewhere so I did and went to bed. Now I am getting yelled at for leaving him alone with his thoughts. For not being there for him immediately. For everything. it is my fault he is like this. I am hurting him. I am making things worse. And thus is not the first time I have contemplated just doing it. he is texting me in a rage rn. I have stayed up so many night contemplating just getting up and dying. I have googled so many methods. I got in line 3x for the suicide line and never made it to an agent each time after waiting hours. I am just so tired. Everything makes me feel guilty. I cannot say no. I am a spineless bitch. I am just.... tired. I feel cold. I want to cry but I cannot. My eyes will not let me. I feel like the little bit of juice left when you change batteries and throw them in the junk drawer. not a damn thing i do will ever be enough,Suicidal +20010,"I first noticed my desire to commit suicide in 3rd grade because my teachers has been severely bullying me (name calling, hair pulling, shoving, humiliation, etc) and nobody wanted to help me. Everybody knew and nobody wanted to help me. My parents said I was being dramatic and did not believe me so I just stopped telling them. Other staff members were complicit in it or joined in on the fun and all i could ever think was that I deserved to be sad because I was ________ or ________, and I deserved to die. Then it just continued like that for the rest of my life. Anytime I was sad it was because I deserved it. But the worst part is I never want to be alone. Everytime I get this way I reach out and almost BEG for help. From my parents, teachers, friends, family, anyone who is supposed to help me and the worst part is they do not listen. It feels like nobody cares because of how often this has been happening. I have been dealing with horrible depressive episodes, disgusting methods of selfharm, and days where I do not sleep or eat because I just want to kill myself since the 3rd fucking grade. I have been this was for almost the majority of my life now and nobody wants to help me because of how long its been. I am scared of myself. I am scared of how alone I am. I am scared of how long its been and how every single episode only gets worse. there is never a time where I feel like this episode was better than the last because it just feels like I am sinking deeper and getting closer and closer to the bottom. I am at a point now where every single problem feels like the end of the world. Even now, my boyfriends been distant lately and every moment he is ignoring me just feels like its pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I have dropped food and spiraled downwards, gotten a 99% instead of a 100%, been in a room that is a little too loud, been inable to order my favorite food, etc; the smallest shit and my mind forces me into this state. I have had it worse, but it feels like my mind is just looking for any excuse for me to end it all. Nobody cares about this. My friends change the subject or demand I be better so we can hang out, my parents think I am faking it for attention for almost a decade now, my relatives do not give a shit about me either way. I cannot bring myself to tell my boyfriend about how bad it is. he is been so supportive of me in the past when I lightly touched on the subject but I cannot bring myself to be vulnerable with him if I am just scared he is going to leave and not care about me anymore or if I am scared I will just be a burden on him. I want to be better so badly. More than anything I want to just be okay and not feel so alone. I am terrified right now because if it keeps getting worse like this I do not know how much longer I will go on. I have dreams and goals. I want to go to college, get married, have children, have a successful career in writing, even normal everyday things like eating my favorite snack, but its so hard to keep going like this. I just want to be happy. I want to feel loved like I was when I was younger. I do not want to feel alone anymore, I just want to be okay. Its only getting worse.",Suicidal +20011,Let me go out peacefully knowing I was able to give someone a chance at happiness.Let me have an ending that gives me purpose. I wish I could end it and donate my organs.,Suicidal +20012,"I hate my life so much, I am sure that i will never be happy with it. My number one goal in life would be to start a family but, i would not want myself to be a husband or father due to my upbringing, if i really loved my future wife/kids Id let someone else be their husband/father. I am going to kill myself so if reincarnation is a thing then i will have another chance soon, if its just the end and nothing happens after death which i am fairly certain this is the case. At least then i will be at peace, i feel like the whole heaven and hell thing is extremely unlikely. Suicide is rational in my mind",Suicidal +20013,"Has anybody else experienced fairly vivid visualizations in your head of self harm when you get to a particularly low point? Like beyond the ""cut your thighs"" thought. Where you actually can visualize yourself doing the act, in decently vivid detail. I am starting to get seriously concerned, because I remember when this used to be a concerning warning that my depression was reaching a suicidal breakdown point two years ago. Now this visualization has become a normal part of my self harm thoughts, which have gotten pretty frequent, even despite multiple meds switches and counciling. I just want to know someone else is going through this too so I do not feel so alone. I am very personally thankful I have been able to stay the course and not cut myself after 6, but idk how much more I have in me. I am damn near 23, and this is honestly as far as I predicted I would make it back in high school. that is getting harder and harder to reconcile TW: Visualizing self harm",Depression +20014,"If I kill myself, I will not have to go to work tomorrow.If I kill myself, I will not have to deal with the financial strain of life.If I kill myself, I will not be there to see how it affects others.If I kill myself, I will not ever be yelled at by my wife again.If I kill myself, all the pain will stop.If I kill myself, I do not have to worry about anything ever again.If I kill myself, I do not have to worry about finding friends. (No one wants to anyway.)If I kill myself, I will not have anxiety or depression.If I kill myself, I have filled my life's purpose and that is that. Ready",Depression +20015,"I cannot go a day without thinking about youWithout you I cannot seem to make it through My only friend and companion, I am tiredEvery day just brings more pain and ireI wish that I could flyWay up in the skyOh I might just try. Oh death, how I miss you so dearly",Suicidal +20016,"My brain has not been letting me be happy for a while now, I mean that is how it feels. Just a couple of weeks recently. I have not had depression in some time now and pardon me but man it was truly great on the other side. The numbness and complete disgusting sadness has crawled back to my life and is clenching on to me and will not leave. The worst part for me is I am not good at hiding the way I feel. Depression and anxiety takes away my personality and my partner notices it always. I appreciate him for always trying to fix me and it breaks me even more because I just cannot bring myself to say how I am truly feeling just for the fact I know I cannot repeat myself again and again because I know they truly will not understand that I am feeling the same way as yesterday and the day before that and so on and so on. I do not want them to think it has anything to do with them or that they are doing something wrong because they are not. So I just say I am fine. Its so sick because I know they think I am full of crap but I just cannot tell them I am feeling numb. is it even possible to think just sadness? My mouth almost feels gone and my eyes are open but I am not seeing anything in front of me, I just disappear. Does that make sense of course it does not. so I zip my mouth and just try to act normal. Now its 1:22am and I am wide awake, the night is when I am able to cry After holding everything in all day. Just go to the bathroom and really let it out or just lay on their chest and let my tears flow down my face. I could have easily just wrote this down somewhere else like my notes app but the fact that its public makes me feel like I have told how I am feeling to someone I know. So it makes me really feel like I got this sticky heavy glob off me. Without someone having to feel sad, worried, or confused about me. I am going to be better so its going to be alright, for him I just want him to always smileGn Always pretending",Depression +20017,"I am 16f and I feel like I am better off dead. I just cannot do anything quite right anymore. I used to score straight As till last year now I just cannot. No matter how much I try I just cannot put my mind into it. My mum and dad have already dumped a lot of money on institutions for me to study but I cannot keep up I just feel I do not have time to complete my stuff. I just did an exam a few weeks back in which I completely prepared but I still lost marks. I reviewed my answers after submitting the paper, that is when I realised I made a mistake. I just cannot commit to my work of studies properly now I want to die because I am sure I am going to an embarrassment to my fam. My parents still believe I am smart or capable of scoring As but I have lost all confidence in myself. I am doing all I can by keeping off the devices/ social media, I rarely use them but still. I talk with my mum about this and all she says is to just do it. But I cannot and I do not know why. I am a waste of money to my mum and dad my poor dad work night and day thinking I am doing stuff at school and home. I used to but not now. Either I want to just get back the presence of mind or I just want to stop existing I am a disgrace to my family",Suicidal +20018,"is it normal to have intrusive thoughts about suicide? The weird thing is, unlike my other intrusive thoughts, these are the only ones I enjoy and actively try think about too. Its getting daily at this point so I just want to know, is this normal? Intrusive Thoughts",Suicidal +20019,"title, me and her are close and she says me being depressed is not helping her after I tried to commit suicide last night depressed friend does not know what to do with me (also depressed)",Depression +20020,"Being suicidal 1/3 days. At the moment searching for sharp objects, locked up in the bathroom. I can not stand losing everything I had so valuable. My mind isabstracting everything, I can only see patterns, divine-like signs in all the shapes and forms in the room, math really is everywhere, I feel wrapped in it, cared as if she was the parent I never hadThe bliss you feel when you detach from reality... derealisation. Nothing is real. No way yet to prove this wrong, scientificallyI really want to see blood, but hate hurting myself. Guess my goodbye letter is going to be short if I am going to ever decide to write it. Mention of Math, my passion and an eventual do not tell my lover I did this, adressed to my parents, who should find my corpse Suicidal ideation, TW: SH mentions. I guess I am crazy",Depression +20021,"I do not know why. Maybe I do.I hate commanding people, I really do. Whenever I do a task or a chore at home, someone comes up to me and tells me to do it right before I got to work, I give up, and I lose my hope entirely and coddle myself back in my room. But people who are commanding in a sinister way motivate me. My brother told me to kill myself, and he is such a loser for saying that, I will never do it. My parents say I am a failure, and that is their belief, in my mind I am a winner, and I will keep winning. My friends hate me, so I improve myself on my own time. I write, I think, I do anything I can to keep my mind running because my mind is both my enemy and my friend. it is a ticking time bomb of both self-hate, loathing, hostility, and creativity. Sometimes I am energetic, I write a lot, and sometimes I am not, and I break down into my old ways of doing nothing. there is so much to do and so little time, that I have to rush it out, I love talking to people and arguing. it is kind of exciting, like a high instead of doing drugs.But back to my point, rude people motivate me. Because to be rude to someone who is been nothing but accepting and understanding, who loves you near unconditionally, is the most pathetic thing you could possibly do. So, I am above you. It motivates me.What motivates you? Surely there is something right? Just think about it for me, for yourself. That helps. Rude people motivate me.",Depression +20022,I also feel like Ill need to saw to do enough damage. I am scared because I really do not want to die but I cannot handle living. I have an intense urge to stab myself in the neck,Suicidal +20023,If I was just sitting down comfortably and a kind person crept up behind me and with all their bodyweight brought a hammer down on my skull. What would happen? Would I even notice or would I just be there one moment and gone the next. Do you die / black out quicker than your body can respond or do you die in agony for a couple of minutes. I sometimes wonder this...,Depression +20024,"(tl;dr @ bottom)This is the first time I have experienced serious social retraction and withdrawal in my depressive disorder. Usually when I am depressed Id take a day or two to myself then contact a friend to meet and cheer myself up. I have (or had...) a great social network of friends and acquaintances in different friend groups who I genuinly all love dearly, but the pandemic, dealing with death, and other personal factors were a catalyst to probably one of my worst depressive slumps since an attempt in 2017. I have not talked to any of my friends in 4 whole months. Even when they reached out, I avoided talking to anyone. I used to use social media frequently, but I completely fell off the face of the earth. Hell, even my internet buddy started to get worried. A majority of texts are just sitting in my messages and I have not even read them yet. Only person I have talked to is my partner who I see on average once a week. 4 months later and I feel an immense amount of guilt, loneliness, and embarrassment because of my withdrawal. I noticed my close friend group even replaced me with someone else. I really want to text all my friends back, but I feel a sense of guilt and embarrassment of trying to explain myself after 4 months of completely disappearing. During my Depressive episode, I did not care. but now I am slowly getting out of it and I am dealing with the consequences. I really played myself. Anyone have any tips on how to deal with this from their experience? Or what to say to them?TL;DR: Bad depressive episode . experienced social withdrawl for the first time. have not talked to friends in months. 4 months later I am dealing with the consequences and feeling guilty as hell. I want to contact them again, but I only feel guilt. What to say to them/how to deal with this? Dealing with Guilt and the Consequences after a Depressive Slump",Depression +20025,"Does anyone else get the feeling that there is someone else living inside them? I feel like my brain is not me half the time and that it is someone else, in these moments I feel as if I cannot control my thoughts and actions, like there is someone else controlling me.I feel like I have lost myself as a person and that I am trying to be someone I am not. My mind is so focused on being part of one aesthetic, that I cannot like anything except the things that fall into that category. I am always comparing myself to other people and asking myself why I am not exactly like them, then I try to replicate myself to be exactly like that person. I feel so lost in this body of mine.I am so sick of the amount of anxiety I have been feeling lately, I feel it everyday and sometimes all I have to do is think about something and it will make me anxious. it is gotten so much worse as I have gotten older and I just want this to end. I need to vent",Depression +20026,i finish uni soon and i have no idea what i am going to do. I just want to be able to find a job and earn money without being forced to also interact with staff/ people. I am fine assisting customers but i hate small talk as i am extremely boring and introverted. Any ideas would be great. (thought i would mention that i am a female) Best job options for severely depressed/ antisocial people?,Depression +20027,"Things get so weird when someone you know, knows about your mental health issues. I appreciate my mom checking up on me, but now its like every time I call her (since telling her I am seeking therapy) starts with this clammy, awkward, and... how are you *doing?* what the fuck am I supposed to say to that??Usually I resort to I am doing OK which is not true or helpful but at least it let us me change the subject. But I do not seriously think they want to really hear about what I am experiencing, because what I am experiencing is a fucking bummer.This post sounds bitchy- I am privileged to have people who care about me. I get that, but talking about depression with my family or loved ones invariably leads to them getting sad, giving me a pep talk, or giving me advice, and forces me into this mind numbing performance of listening, agreeing, and validating their attempt to make me feel better.I kind of just wish I could shut up about myself sometimes. I am tired of telling people how I feel",Depression +20028,"Today is my son's birthday. 10yrs ago he was 6yrs old. We had a big party with all his friends and an Indiana Jones cake! We even had the 501st in attendance. For those who do not know, the 501st is a volunteer group of Star Wars enthusiasts that visit children in hospitals. My son had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and passed away just 2 weeks later. I was also going thru a divorce at the time. My ""husband"", despite being my son's step-father and knowing my son since the age of 2, rarely visited us in the hospital and attempted to make me feel guilty on the occasions he did. I was also fired from my job, despite being a full-time employee for several years and requesting time off in advance. (that is, uh, service Industry for ya, I guess)Despite being homeless, jobless and grieving, I was determined to soldier on, so I found an apartment and lived in hermit-ude for another year and a half. In spite of a sketch boyfriend and an even sketchier ex-husband trying to worm his way back into my bed, I somehow managed to find a job and some emotional stability and even had another child!Things were kind of swell for a bit until.....they just were not. I was stuck at home all the time. The house was always ""under construction"" and I could not spend time with my friends.it is not one big thing, it is allllll the little things. I cannot tolerate living like this anymore. Everything is disorganized and chaotic. I do not have the energy to clean and even if I did, it would only make me anxious, as the entire house is a construction zone that we just so happen to live in. there is no exit strategy or end game, it is just my partner, subbing out jobs a couple of times a year to sketchass dudes who show up whenever, for the past 4yrs. Everything is covered in some type of tile dust or trim dust or plywood dust or sheetrock dust and I am apparently allergic to all of it. I take Zyrtek, Allegra, hydrozene and Benadryl daily. I feel worthless. there is no further benefit to my existence on this planet. Can I please rest now? I Lost My Child",Suicidal +20029,"I really wish I had the guts to Kill myself. But I cannot, I am just tired of life. I contemplate suicide everyday. Everyone around me is getting loads of job offers. I feel like an embarrassment and a burden to my parents. All these rejections have broken me. Everyone around me is so successful, they earn loads of money, they are happy and I am a loser. I cannot even talk to anyone because I am embarrassed of myself. Everyone has a purpose, they are busy with their lives. Why do not I have anything? I have skills and experience but I am not getting a big job offer. I cannot stop crying. Finally I have realised that I cannot compete with anyone because I am a loser. I will always be a loser. My best friend has a good life, a stable job and leads a exciting life. While I am here crying and trying every single day to get a good job. Everyone won but I lost everything. I feel alone, even when I go for a walk around my area I see groups of people being happy with their friends and enjoying life. They have nothing to worry about. They say that it gets better. But it is not getting better. It is getting worse day by day.I just needed to rant this and get it out of my system. I am embarrassed and I feel like a burden to my parents.",Suicidal +20030,"Sleepless, sad, scrolling through r/depression and feeling worse as a result. But I scroll anyway because I feel so alone. I want to see all the people that feel how I feel. it is sadistic but I want to fucking know I am not the only one. One of those nights",Depression +20031,"Boyfriend since 2012, fianc since 2017. He cheated on me, I found out about it looking on his computer. He did not deny anything, ever since we have been talking on what to do, for a month. Lots more detail but I am just too tired to type.I am 26/f, and he was and is my world. I do not want to breathe anymore, I do not want to ever open my eyes again. I hurt so much, and I have been down this path before but not feeling this low.I do not ever want to imagine life without him, or him marrying someone else. It makes me want to puke, then makes me hate myself for feeling that way. I want to die, I want to cut myself to death or OD. I hate this so much. cannot See My Self Worth After Being Cheated On",Suicidal +20032,"I feel worthless. I feel that no one cares. My dad did not. He abused me and hung himself. Now I have PTSD. My step dad and mom constantly make fun of me. I barely have any friends. I am annoying. I play video games to escape. And if I say anything they say I am lying or they pretend to care. I can hear them talking about me behind my back. And all i want to do is kill myself. there is nothing left for me. No one loves me. Hell, no one even likes me. I am a depressed anxiety filled piece of shit nobody. That all I ever was that all I will be. I just want someone to care. All of my gfs cheated or broke up with me for someone else. All I want is to die. I sleep a lot. Hoping to die. But when my parents yell at me now I cannot. They force me to take meds. I cannot do it anymore. All I want is someone to care. And in the 7.7 billion people in our planet not one of them cares. If I die no one will notice. The world will move on. I will be buried by myself with no one at funeral. I will be alone. I always have been. I gave everything I had. And no one gave a shit. After all, my stepdad said himself my best is not good enough. I am just a stupid kid after all. Only 13. I am just a baby in their eyes. They always pretend to care and I am tired. I feel worthless",Suicidal +20033,"At the end of the day when I spend time with a partner or my friend and it is time for them to go sleep, I suddenly feel very suicidal? For no reason?I have no reason to feel this way! We can hang out during the morning and feel just fine, but around the time they get sleep is around the time I start feeling suicidal. And so me trying not to bring it up is really hard to do and so I start acting weird and sad, which makes them kind of push away from me. Or maybe I just *think* they are trying to push away from me because I am sad and I am misinterpreting their tiredness. And then they go ""Alright, I am heading to bed!"" and I start dissociating. And I tell myself ""I cannot kill myself right at this moment, they are going to think it is their fault now."" so I do not do it, but I still feel overwhelmed by loneliness even though I am aware that *literally everyone needs to sleep* ! I guess I just want someone to look at me and go, ""you really look like you are struggling, do you want to sleep in my room tonight?"". I am not mad that nobody does this because 1. it might be hard for them to sleep when someone else is in the bed and 2. they cannot read my mind so how tf are they supposed to know that I feel hurt when I try my best to hide it?Basically: how do I stop getting triggered by very simple, small, harmless actions? I do have a therapist, maybe I will bring ask her about it too. I am triggered by something that should not be triggering?",Suicidal +20034,"I might try to kill myself tonight, I have not decided yet. I fucking hate myself so much, I do not deserve to live.",Suicidal +20035,"Yup like I said no idea, guess I got no one else but strangers online and texts on a screen. I cannot seem to figure out a reason to keep going. Life just seems like pain, sadness and hardship until you die. I have everything I was taught I should be grateful for, a loving and supportive girlfriend, good money, great friends, and a good family but I cannot stop the almost daily thoughts of throwing it all away forever. it is so fucking frustrating and makes no sense why I feel this way. A good friend of mine recently committed suicide and it really messed me up. I used to think about all the people in my life that would miss me if I gave into my thoughts like I was doing them a favor by not going through with it like I am special or something. But I am not I am just 1 of 7 billion and life will go on with or without me. I do not know what I am expecting from doing this but I have heard talking about shit helps Not really sure why I am doing this",Depression +20036,I attempted suicide yesterday by hanging myself. Had tied rope around my neck and to the fan too. But somehow gave away the thought. I discontinued one of my antidepressants so feeling lethargic and depressed. Going to start it again. I attempted suicide yesterday,Suicidal +20037,"I am 17 and I have been depressed for almost as long as I can really remember. My last truly happy memory was probably when I was 5 and its laughably simple: just laying between my parents in bed as the weather played on an old TV. A couple years ago my last grandpa died and I felt nothing at all. It made me feel gross that I did not.This year I told my doctor I was depressed and wanted to die. They gave me a therapist and medication. I have only ever lied to my therapist since. I have told my doctor all medications I have taken feel like placebos and do absolutely nothing except give me erectile disfunction, this is the only true thing I have said. In the last few months things have really gotten worse. My only really close friend that I would have done anything for just stopped wanting to hangout. I have been planning on bringing him backpacking and rowing and every single time despite expressing interest pulls out at the last second and it really hurts me because I love them and want to do things. Then my boyfriend, the only person I have genuinely felt was the one for me, just stopped talking to me never officially breaking up but every time I try to talk to him he either goes quiet or gets irritable. It hurts so much because I love him so much and I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he had expressed that he felt similarly. And as of a month ago I have not a single friend. I have not really talked to anyone in a long while.Then this week my grandma died and again I felt nothing despite having seen her the most out of my grandparents. I feel like I am a selfish monster to not feel anything when my family dies but be so torn up when everyone else leaves. I just feel like I do not belong here. I just want to reset it all. I have planned on killing myself before and just could not go though with it that feeling of wanting to die never left I just cannot do it myself. I just wish Id die in some accident or something. Ill never be normal. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to rip my face off. I cannot even think without wanting to tear my brain out because of shear regret that I cannot just have a second chance. I hate myself and I do not even know why. I Just want to close my eyes and never wake up. I do not have anywhere else to go and I just need someone to talk to",Suicidal +20038,"I was at the hospital two days ago because I fight my depression with xanax and alcohol. Tonight I drank in a bar, in front of two girl interested in me and I vomited everywhere. I ran in the street to my home 50min while dancing and punching everything. I am a mess, my depression and my bipolarity is spoiling all my chance at love. I am not ugly, I am not dumb, I can be someone. Instead I am drunk and alone. it is killing me. I cannot live like this. Drinking again",Depression +20039,"Guys I do not know what to feel at this point. I have been all over the place looking through google and blaming myself. The dude I was talking to was perfectly fine and happy and being so sweet before his vacation, well after that week long vacation he began to act different. He was talking about wanting to cry and was so stressed. He does not really want to talk to me. He really started acting this way after we hung out on a date the next day after the vacation. Mood just all of a sudden switched. He is trying to stay busy and sleep all the time. Has little time for me. Even said I make him happy but hes depressed and going to see a doctor and get on medicine. I just keep blaming myself but hes blaming vacation. I have never heard of this in my life. I do send him little texts that tell him I am thinking of him and miss him and hope he gets better but it hurts that he was so caring and loving and now just needs a break. Any advice on what I should do or any insight if this is real? Is Post-Vacation Depression Real?",Depression +20040,"I am not strong enough. I am not strong enough for this life. My entire existance has been reduced to coping with my mental problems. When I think about how many years I have left in this life....how much more pain I have left to experience....i know I will never find joy. I will never find a reason why it is worth it to go on.How can I say never? do not our feelings always change with time? I wish I could say so, but I know better. I have seen the people who never get better. Who end up alone and miserable into their 40s and 50s, their lives wasted. And I have seen it for myself, in a vision. It never ends. I am trapped, again. I cannot move in with him. I cannot spend day after day wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, anywhere else. I cannot stand having yet another conversation about breaking up, abput how he is done nothing wrong and it is just my head. he will never see that I will never, ever believe anybody could love me. That I will always envision him with other women, happier and no longer obliged to deal with my shit. When we met, I was a different person. I do not know what I am now. I do not know what to do. I have thought about running away, and the only reason why I do not is because I have too much expensive equiptment at my house I would have to abandon. But even if I did run away....where would I go? And I have to take mtself with me. I will just have the same problems over and over. There is not any escape. I am not strong enough. The only advice I ever get is life is what you make it and I hate, hate, hate hearing that. Because they are right. I am a loser. I was born a loser and I will live a loser and I will die a loser, and I know it is true, because I have seen it. Death is the best thing to hope for. it is the eternal sollution. Why there is no way out",Suicidal +20041,"I am not religious at all btw. I have not been to church nor touch the Bible in years. I used to rarely pray at all, but recently I have been praying more and all my prayers have been to ask to not wake up.I do not think I will commit suicide, I am just not that kind of of person, I do not believe in suicides. (If that makes sense). I been wanting out of life for a couple of years now but I could never picture myself committing suicide.My prayers seemed to be my only way out, maybe just maybe, there is a God and he hears me and one day he will listen to my prayers, until then I will keep praying.Anyone in a similar boat? I often pray to God at night when I go to sleep that I do not want to ever wake up",Suicidal +20042,I have always had depression but it gotten worse. I cannot remember feeling joy. I was at a work thing and the ice breaker was describe something that makes you feel joy and I was lost. I am not going to kill myself but I do not think I fear dying anymore. I am so deeply unhappy. I cannot even remember the last time I felt joy.,Depression +20043,i literally just sat in my bed crying and begging for someone or something to kill me lmaoi feel so fuckin trapped mani have no one i want to worry with this shit so thanks for reading i guess if i had a method i 10000% would have done it tonight,Suicidal +20044,"Hello. My name is Trout (not really). I am new to this sub and reddit as a whole, so please forgive me if i make any mistakes. I am sorry if this is long, but I just need to say something. For the past few years I have been depressed, the whole of 2020 just blends into a few months in my memory. For a while now I have been self-harming, and I think about suicide often. I feel so small and dumb and ugly and just generally unappealing. Almost like I cannot try to be or act cute, because I am just butt ugly. I cannot do anything. I thought I was an introvert and just preferred sitting in my room alone on my laptop but that is the only thing I can bring myself to do. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. When I do not, I just feel empty. I feel fine when I am with friends, but always just so lifeless when they are gone, and whatever they say about me has the power to sway my mood so heavily. Even when I am with them I feel lonely. Unloved, unaccounted for. Nothing brings me proper joy anymore.I just want to give up. I just want to stop trying. All I want is to fall asleep and never wake up. I am so tired all the time. Whenever I think about dying, I feel a sense of relief, like I will finally find peace. feel like a selfish asshole for thinking this way. I have a good life, and I just want to throw it away? I have read so many stories on this sub of people that have it worse than me. It feels awful. I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass one day, but they never do. I am scared that I am blowing it out of proportion, though. What if it is just no big deal? I am such a baby. I cannot even tell anyone because they will treat me like a sensitive topic. I will immediately be the problem child.The only things keeping me from going are my family, especially my sister, and my dear little cat. Whenever I am away he cries out at night, looking for me. he is sleeping right next to me on my bed as I type this. I have made it a rule in my mind that when he goes, I go. Otherwise it would break me.If you read through this, thank you for your time, I appreciate it. nothing is changing",Suicidal +20045,"It fucked me up pretty bad mentally, now i can literally see souls of other people and how stupid/smart someone is. This shit made me so distant from everyone and I am probably going to off myself because of this. Well, this is not the only thing but i just wanted to share it because it is cool objectively speaking even though my life is just suffering now. I had a strange accident a year ago",Depression +20046,"I should of listened to her when she told me she loved me. I should of listened to her when she told me to stop smoking so much weed and drinking. She tried to talk to me but due to my mental issues I could not do it, I was too scared. I am still scared. Yeah she technically stalked me but it was I begging her to love me but I was scared of being open. Now I am a psychotic mess. I just quit my job again and the anxiety is too much. I tried to be a good person and now I hurt another woman's feelings and she hates me. I am tired of being unhappy. there is no magical cure for me and all my hard work to get better was for nothing. I do not fit in this world I will die thinking of my first love and it is fucking selfish. Ending",Suicidal +20047,"So, the doctors just prescribed be a benzodiazepine. Klonopin I think for my panic attacks. I will save it up for 5 weeks until I get 20 mg total. I am going to take robitussin with all of it as well and some alchohal. I am debating on hanging myself as well when I am feeling more numb. I have to go and I have to be sure I am gone. I am manipulative, and I am selfish and I have terrible thoughts that I am scared to act on one day in one way or another. On top of that I am fucking useless, I do nothing. And I have 0 social skills, and just nothing at all going for me. I fucking hate myself so much on top of that I do not deserve to feel better. I am doing this world a favor and I will finally be at peace I cannot do this shit anymore. I share my thoughts, feelings, and actions with people sometimes and they say its all part of being human. Well I do not like this shit then and I do not want to be human. I want peace, and I do not want to hurt anyone or make anymore mistakes. My plan & why",Suicidal +20048,"I am on anti depressants, I make great money, I am an attractive woman who has the luxury of traveling often and having as many partners as I want but I still want to die so bad. I have reached a point where I sleep fifteen hours a day and only wake up to work or drink. I am lost and alone, stuck in a new state I hate and cannot stand to be alive. Some days I can swallow the feeling and pretend I feel normal but moments like this when I cannot sleep at 3am and I am on my porch while my boyfriend and our kids are in our bed I find myself sneaking out for a cigarette and a cry. I do not know how much longer I can hold out. I have left my country so many times on search of happiness but no place brings it. I am always just alone in the end, contemplating if I should drown myself and just give up. there is no hope at the end of the tunnel, just pushing through until I reach my inevitable breaking point. I do not understand why I want to die",Depression +20049,"I had a close friend who completely lost themselves and in the process completely shattered me. Every day they are turning more and more into a habitual liar and it feels like the part of my life I shared with them was completely falsified. it is because of this person that I began questioning just about every life decision I have made. I am in a very good position in life. I have a stable career. I have close supportive friends (who truthfully are not aware that I have not been well, I do not want to burden or concern anyone close to me with my problems.) I have pets that love me unconditionally. Despite all of that, I feel so alone. I feel like I am not working toward anything anymore. I wish I had a sign or a goal that could keep me going, but I am not sure what those could even be at this point.Just so we are clear, I have not self-harmed recently. The thought has been on my mind more and more every day though. Every day since around the start of April I have been spiraling more and more. Right now I just need some words of encouragement. I have not been well for a while. I have not had any major urges to self-harm since the end of 2018, but it is hitting me hard again.",Suicidal +20050,"I have been feeling like this since the beginning of my senior year of high school. I thought I was just going through a slump because of the pandemic and all, because I have never felt such hopelessness before in my entire life, but I have now graduated, and I feel the same.I live with my mom and her husband, along with my two baby sisters. I feel like such an insignificant part of the family I do not work (the thought of interacting with people I do not know makes me sick to my stomach, I cannot even leave my house to take out the trash because I feel like all eyes are on me. I rejected the only fast food job interview I was given because the idea of being around others, all by myself, in such an unfamiliar place, made me panic) and I do not do anything around the house. My mom has expressed how disappointed she is with me because all I do is lay in bed and sleep till 5 pm, but I wish I could tell her it is because I do not want to be here anymore. I wish I could tell her that my days seem to blend into each other now, and that every day spent alive makes me want to scream into my pillow because that just means I am not dead yet.I have tried, and failed, to kill myself four times already. I feel like such an attention whore for doing so, even though nobody knows I have attempted. I fantasize about death constantly.Everything is a chore, because doing things requires energy, and I just do not have any energy left in me. It takes weeks for me to shower because the process is so time consuming, I never do my laundry because I do not want to go searching for my dirty clothes, I never clean my room because it is a task too daunting. Consequently, I live in a pile of filth, and I am probably a walking pile of filth, too, because everything requires effort, and I have absolutely none to give.Whenever my mom tells me to clean the house it takes me so long because I always start zoning out, thinking about suicide, thinking about how different my life would be if I had been born into a different family, or in a different country, or as the opposite sex. I make up scenarios in my head to make myself feel better, but just end up feeling worse than before, because I am fantasizing about the unachievable.I feel so hopeless. The worst part is, I really want help. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I do not want to wake up every day and start to cry because I am still here, but I feel like I am probably just exaggerating. What if this is just a phase? My mom thinks nothing is wrong with me, she is convinced I am just lazy and unmotivated, and maybe she is right. She makes me feel like I am such a disappointment, but I cannot even blame her, because, well I am. But she knows nothing about how I feel, only bases her judgement on what she sees, and to her I am just her daughter, who has no future ahead of her, who is useless and cannot fend for herself, and who will never amount to anything in life. She does not know I want to die. She does not know I spend every waking second thinking about how nice it would be if I could just stop existing. She does not know anything, but I wish she did.I do not know what to do. I am so tired of this life. I think about killing myself nearly every day. I am so tired of being here.",Suicidal +20051,"Am I okay? The truth is, I am not sure I know what that means anymore. Not sure that I ever have known. What I know is that my definition of 'okay' and someone else's definition of 'okay are probably astronomically different. Am I okay? that is the question my wonderful fianc asked me. I lie at first, telling them I am. That is not who I want to be with them, though, so I immediately correct myself. ""I am not, but I will be."" I know they think I shut myself off to them when I am this down and they are not wrong. It is not for wanting to. It is not for not trusting them when I am this emotionally vulnerable. it is for not being able to find the words quickly enough as they stumble from my clumsy mouth. Writing it all out gives me time to process every single word. It allows me to shut my emotions off as I try to explain the roller coaster that is my brain. If I were to attempt to vocally explain what I am feeling right now, my emotions would consume me and I would just become a sobbing mess.I have been thinking about who I am lately and honestly, I feel like there is not much to me. I am average in basically all aspects of myself. Underwhelming in some, even. I feel like I cannot keep the attention of anyone other than my fiance's, and even then, I do not see how I keep theirs. I see no other words to describe how I feel about myself other than 'boring' and 'useless'. Nothing they have done has made me feel that way, but it is my crippling intrusive thought of the week I suppose. that is something I struggle with. My brain will conjure some sorrowful imagery of myself and I will fixate on it until I believe it true. I know therapy would benefit me greatly, but I guess my lack of enthusiasm to get that ball rolling is an indicator of my selfish personality. All I can think about is how terrifying it would be to spill myself wide open to a stranger. Face to face is the issue, of course, seeing as I have no problem with letting you all read me. The thought of even attempting eye contact with a small, bald man at my local ""mental health service"" makes me want to assume the fetal position. In quotations because its an income based establishment in the south. they are here to help me as long as they do not have to respect my pronouns. Another thing that terrifies me is the fact that there is likely an entirely different person under the layers of trauma and depression that have been festering inside me since I was about five years old. What are they like? Are they a person my fiance could even love? Are they a person I could love? I am so accustomed to hating myself that the thought of loving myself makes the threat of a panic attack tingle down my spine. The two main things that scare me the most and they are both about me. I am not just living for myself anymore, though. I am with someone who deserves the best version of me possible. As bleak as the weather in my mind seems to stay, the love and patience they have given me through all of my seasons makes becoming that person seem achievable. Anyway....I believe my spoons are all used up, because I have hit a wall even though I had so much more to say. It took a lot from me to write this all out, but at least I feel a little more okay now. Am I okay?",Depression +20052,I have this feeling in my gut that will not go away. As if something right now is sickening me to the point that i feel physically ill. And its me. I am sick of myself. My inability to do anything right. I am broke. I am fat and I am a social failure. I want to kill myself so bad...to just over dose and get the fuck out of this life. Disappear into nothingness. Why the fuck is life so shitty. How the hell can anyone want this existence. I just want simple love and life. But that is not possible. I am going crazy,Depression +20053,"I have been so numb lately. I cannot find the energy to do anything anymore. Just a few months ago I was fine then one day I could not find the energy to get up in the morning. It kept getting worse I began not being able to finish meals, text back, talk to people, go out, or hang out with family. All I can think about is how terrible I am and how I will most likely never find someone who would love me. I have been going to sleep at 6 am and waking up at 1 pm. Why was I born",Depression +20054,"Recently a lot has been going on in my life. I gained 5 new mental disorders, lost my SO, lost interest in most the things I used to care about, just in time for me to get a call telling me Congrats! Your application and interview went perfect! you will start this weekend! Now, with everything piling up, I do not even want to start. I feel horrible, because my best friend got me the job, but I just do not want it anymore. I do not want anything. I just want to sleep and cry. Finally got a job, now I do not even want to start it.",Depression +20055,"I am disgusting and worthless, cannot even starve myself properly, I should just kill myself I just want to die",Suicidal +20056,"I could post a rant here about how shitty my life is and how shitty the world is but i cannot even motivate myself to do that anymore. No one responds anyway and that is fine. We must all come to our own unique conclusions. What a lonely life it is here on this planet! Here on the fabled golden west coast! I am ready to transcend to my next reality, surely nothing can defeat the misery of this lifetime. To whatever higher power exists beyond, I pray for you to take me tonight even in my youth and prime physical health. Stop my beating heart by any means and free me from this never ending hell. I cannot watch my abilities deteriorate any longer. Writing and words once my vehicle of expression and now a source of agony as I in sobriety notice the effect the drugs had on me. I no longer emanate the rich vocabulary of a scholar but that of an insane idiot. And all of the sudden something as simple as a college degree so out of reach.. please take me. I am done. End of my rope",Suicidal +20057,I never get matches matches or likes on dating apps. I am also 21 but I do not look way younger and I feel like if I tried to talk to a woman she would not want to talk to me or she would laugh at me because of it I hate myself so much I just wish I could get a girlfriend I am so ugly it makes me feel like I am going to cry,Suicidal +20058,"I am 31 and have severe post acute withdrawal syndrome from Cymbalta. After being on suicide watch and given toxic psychiatric drugs for many, many years my brain, nervous system, and body are permanently damaged and recovery is impossible. Thanks to Big Pharma, psychiatry, and the system which is killing us all I am in a state of unimaginable suffering 247, bedridden a lot of the time, sick, with heart palpitations, dizziness, ringing in my ears, muscle spasms, brain zaps, headaches, spotty vision, nausea, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, akathesia, brain fog, insomnia, psychosis, nightmares, sweating, hot and cold, etc the symptoms go on and on. I am already in a support group for this and I am not tapering my dose anymore. But regardless of that there is nothing further that can be done to improve my situation. Recently I went to the dentist to get a cracked filling replaced and she told me the mercury in the new filling could not get into my body. But that is not true. She used improper extraction methods and did not protect me from the toxins she drilled out of the old tooth, and now I am sick with mercury poisoning as well. I am such an idiot and should know not to trust any doctors anymore. I should have done my research before. But I was dumb and listened to this idiot. Now I am sicker in pain and I want to kill my self. My gf is sleeping and for me I think I would like to go jump off a bridge. I researched it before and it seems like one of the better options. My entire life has been hell but since March I have been getting sicker and sicker and have been in a new level of hell I cannot deal with any longer. My parents try to help but they are dumb idiots who keep trusting the system and do not understand that its killing me and killing us all. They are dumb and I tried to stick around for them but a lot of times I hate them. My brother killed himself 2 years ago but they do not understand that it was a suicide. He did drugs and got possessed by demons. I know because I have spoken to him. People think I am lucky because my parents and gf always stop me from killing myself but really I just want to die. But since my experience with my brother I do worry about going to purgatory. No I did not think it was real either. But sadly it is and the death does not even bring any relief. But I want to do it anyway. Anything to get away from this never ending hell. I have tried everything already to feel better but nothing works. I am in hell forever. My family needs to let me go but they do not understand. I feel no one understands the pain I am in. I am also scared to do it so I hope I will die suddenly by accident. Like a giant meteor come down and strike this awful place. I know what caused this but for me its too late now. Brain damage permanent I cannot think or get out of hell. And I cannot get off this demonic medication which is a chemical prison of hell. I am scared to do it so I hope I die soon. Otherwise I might have to do it myself and I have to pray for the courage so I do not have to continue in this horrible existence. Please something kill me instantly",Suicidal +20059,Everything is shit I wake up evey day counting down the hours till I can sleep again When I cannot sleep all I can do is think about my death it is been years since I have felt actual joy it is been years since I have felt much emotion at all i miss being happy I miss being angry I miss being able to cry i cannot stand my family even though all they have done is love me i cannot love our puppy I just feel nothing towards it I cannot stand doing drugs just to feel an ounce of emotion I cannot stand this fucking body I cannot stand any of this shit. Nothing in this world brings me joy anymore I do not know what to do I need someone to talk toI hate what I have done to my body i feel so tired all the time I have seen psychiatrists I have been through years of therapy I have been in psych wards nothing has made an ounce of difference. it is just made it take longer every conversation I have every interaction with someone is just acting on my end to make sure I still seem fucking human I cannot remember the last time I actually genuinely laughed at a joke i feel like relationships I once had slowly either away as I just cannot be fucked keeping up this act anymore I have had so many friends just disappear out of my life when things went bad. What the fuck are you meant to do i do not know what to do. I need someone to talk to I need someone i need another fucking human not some paid by the session come back for another and we will see how you feel I need someone to talk to I do not know what to do I do not know what to do,Depression +20060,I have no one too call and I just want to know if there is anyone out there that is is alone without feeling alone. How do you do it . Is it worth it ? I am so scared of dying alone without family . I am homeless,Depression +20061,I feel like such a failure for not having experienced something that most people do in their teens. I just wish I could be normal. 23 and never been in a relationship,Suicidal +20062,"Full disclosure: I am not suicidal anymore. But when I was? I was drowning. there is no way to ask a lifeguard to jump in and save you without asking the lifeguard to pay attention to you. I did not want to seek attention, so I did not. I chose to drown. Lifeguards noticed anyway, and I was saved. A year and a half ago. Life has changed more than I imagined it could have. I was pursuing a high pressure degree and took a break. I am privileged enough to have family that I can live with, and I will never be grateful enough. But I still do not know how to solve this problem if it comes up again. If you are suicidal, you should not be attention seeking. But you should tell someone you need help. But you should not threaten suicide. I genuinely do not know how to navigate this situation without making a serious suicide attempt. If you make a weak one, then you are just attention seeking. So in my mind, the right way (socially) to go about a mental health emergency is to make a serious suicide attempt and either a) die or b) be saved. I was so lucky to be saved. But I so EASILY could have died. There has to be a better way, right? I do not know how to ask for help without asking for attention",Suicidal +20063,"I am not really depressed, but lately I have been seriously contemplating suicide.Though I am not depressed my life is pretty shitty. i have no friends, a toxic family, were borderline poor, ect. i have no joy in life. i have no motivation.I gave nothing to look forward to. i have no dreams or aspirations, I am not good at anything, i have no idea what i want to do in life. I am too awkward to get anything done or get a relationship, i simply cannot picture a future where I am happy.So with the combination of a shitty life now and likely an even shittier life in the future wtf is the point. i have nothing and no one, i used to be so optimistic but now that me is nowhere to be found, i genuinely do not think ill make it through the summer. i have a plan and the equipment only reason I am still here is because my parents do not know shit about taking care of a dog Venting",Suicidal +20064,"Quiero morir o recibir cierta ayuda que me pueda ayudar a cambiar mi forma de pensar, he estado en este estado de animo desde que mi padre murio. Nunca fue algo constante, solo fugaces pensamientos que llegaban como pesadas rafagas contra mi...Soy un adolescente de 16 aos y tal vez algunos sientan que es parte de la adolescencia o que es tan solo parte de mi drama pero mis pensamientos se volvieron constantes, ahora no solo pienso en mi padre, siento decepcin contra mi mismo, yo era un gran estudiante y mi mam estaba orgullosa pero ahora no, me he vuelto mediocre en todo. No tengo ningun talento y soy de algn modo despreciado por algunas mujeres por que no cumplo con los estandares de belleza actuales, solo he estado tomando decisiones incorrectas y mi futuro esta cada da ms en declive, si bien mis problemas pueden ser sencillos y no desean responder lo entendere. Just want to die or get helped",Suicidal +20065,"It gives you insomnia, which in turn makes your depression worse during the day, which messes up your sleep even more, which gives you anxiety. It just feels impossible to function. what is even worse is when I cannot sleep, my symptoms of my ocd and anxiety are just 50x worse. It feels impossible to escape depressuon",Depression +20066,The days just float by. I want to hit the reset button and start life over. I have isolated myself to the point where I feel like a stranger at family gatherings. I have no rl friends aside my loyal and loving girlfriend who does her best to encourage me to make new friendships but it is near impossible without me just wanting to shut down. My mother passed away recently as well and it is made it that much harder to put on a brave face to the world. I do not know if ranting about it on the internet will help me feel better but it is nice to let my constantly racing mind have an outlet for a change Numb,Depression +20067,"I give up. I am exhausted from existence. I have given it my all, but I continued to be hurt by those who I thought I could trust. We all die in the end, so I truly do not see a point to keep existing if this is what life is like. I would well rather go slit my wrists or hang myself than continue to live a life full of sorrow and anxiety. I cannot do life anymore.",Suicidal +20068,"He genuinely feels like the love of my life. We spent a wonderful weekend together before breaking up and going no contact. I miss him like crazy. I want to be in his arms. I miss the good times. I miss sleeping on his chest. I wonder if he feels the same way... I know he loves me and cares about me... I hate this separation. We said its temporary but my anxiety is trying to protect me by thinking of rhe worst case scenario...and my depression is punishing me for the past. No matter how hard i try to get better, its like the universe is giving me a massive cosmic fuck you. I want to run and hide. I hate not being able to go to my best friend. Missing my ex. cannot sleep. Obsessive thoughts are making me feel even more depressed.",Depression +20069,"I really hate having to wait about a week for that one spot on my leg to heal a bit so I can start cutting again. Id cut in other places but then people would see and we do not want that. Hell, waiting feels worse than actually cutting. I hate having to wait",Suicidal +20070,"Unlike most posts here this one is not that of a suicidal person, but of a person suffering everyday from the consequences of it. My father, a loving amazing dad who taught me a lot of things in the short 10 years I got him, killed himself 11 years ago. He was a very bipolar and depressed person who had everything going for him. The pain he dealt with everyday did not end the same day he did. It was transfered to his loved ones. I am not one to be accusational especially to those who are going through it but please think of the small things. Think of the clothes you wear and the hairstyle you have. Now think of your sisters, brothers, mom's, dad's, or even best friends. Until the day they themselves did all of those things that make you, you, will be a constant reminder to them. Pain can be temporary, the loss of a life is permanent. Love you all be safe out here. p.s. I have attempted suicide and the minute I kicked that chair I regretted my decision so fucking much and I can promise everyone here would too. I know it is not much.",Suicidal +20071,I am really close to k!ll!ng myself tonight. Anyone there,Suicidal +20072,There should be a depression day - like an official day we all just refuse to get out of bed. We can say its to raise awareness. Depression Day,Depression +20073,"For some extra context, I was also diagnosed with GAD, ADHD, and ASD (4 for the price of one!) and I have been on meds for 6 months. My high-function self gets mad every single time that I cannot get out of bed (which is literally almost every single day), every time I eat buttered toast for the 5th time during the day instead of actual dinner, and every time I run out of underwear to wear bc I was too tired to handwash them in the shower with me (whenever I actually did manage to get in the shower). WHY cannot I JUST GET BETTER??? was not diagnosis supposed to fix me?? Now that I know what is going on with my brain, should not things be easier??? But instead they got so much harder. And I fucking cannot right now. I am so damn tired of it all. Was diagnosed with Dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) 8 months ago and I am mad at myself for not getting better yet",Depression +20074,"All I have is my mom, after she is gone I do not see myself living afterwards. I push away the people I have because I am stupid and never say the right things. 27 years of my life and I have one friend group that is too busy to hang out with me most of the time. Everyone else I lost from either getting ghosted or from them breaking off the friendship because of the way I am. I am honestly sick of life and I am getting tired of making a friendship and then being hurt over losing the friendship because of my stupid actions. I am so lonely that it hurts",Depression +20075,i really do not see any point to existence. no point or meaning,Suicidal +20076,They say awful things to me. I wish they would just stop. I cannot bear it anymore. Loud negative voices in my head,Depression +20077,"Hi. Hope you are all having a good night. I am just tired. Really tired. I have got mental health that is been degenerating for the best of a year. Even with meds I cannot keep episodes down. I am paranoid my gf is talking to someone else even though there is no basis and i cannot get it out of my head. It is not fair to her so I will best be moving on to the next life, world whatever. Even if its just a big sleep with no afterlife I would be okay with that. I am separate from her. She lives in Prenont and I in Houston. she is the most wonderful girl I have met. she is grown so much from the person she was and I am proud of her. Me on the other hand, am just getting tired of lifes hardships. I lost two best friends because one of them was unhinged. I knew they were not my friend at that point when she went off on me for trivial reasons, but it still hurt coming from a best friend. I have nothing positive to offer her and I can tell she is getting tired of being patient for me. Just a massive combination of things that all oule up that make this all feel like it is not worth it. I did not ask to be born into this life.there is nothing anyone can do to change my mind. I have a plan, I have access as a means. Finishing my social work masters exam in a few days will be my last accomplishment. Pass or fail, I am going to drive out somewhere, take my favorite snacks, smoke a final few bowls and let the carbon monoxide take me . Painful or not, I just want to sleep. Might end it after my licensure exam",Suicidal +20078,"I have been depressed for 3+years nothing I do works it only makes it worse I think about suicide every day and I cannot really talk about it but I say is that can never do anything right the only thing that I know emotion wise is sadness,anger,fear I do not even know who I am anymore on one cares about me my life is pointless so why should not I kill myself Why should not I kill myself",Suicidal +20079,"I have seen a lot of people saying picking up hobbies did not help them, but from my experience you have to pick up atleast 2-3 at once which keeps you from getting bored since you can ping pong between them once you get bored of one or feel unmotivated. idk if this works for other people but it did wonders for me, hope it helps someone !! love all of you, have a great day some advice (??)",Depression +20080,"I thought suicide hotlines would help even just a little bitI tried calling 30 mins. ago and what she asked me is my name, location etc. She then asked me what the problem is and I said I do not know After asking me too many questions on what my problem is I said to them that my father is cheating on my motherand then instantly they assumed that that is the main reason why I am like thisIt's not that And then they are pushing the idea that I should be the bridge for them to be together again Bullshit Suicide hotline",Depression +20081,"And I never will have anything. So what is the point?Lived a fairly normal, happy childhood...until puberty hit. The severity of my mental illness has crippled my life since around the age of 12. I am now a 37 year old man who is frozen in time, a constant state of teenage arrested development.I have no friends, never had a girlfriend (something I BADLY want) and am incapable of doing work. I live on assistance. Tried every medication and doctor/shrink at my disposal, but considering how extreme my mental illness is, the results have been tepid at best. I am stuck and I want out. I am so, so, so lonely. Every day is hell on earth for me. Please, someone talk to me. I Have Nothing",Suicidal +20082,"Things have already been pretty bad and somehow they took a turn for the worse. I feel entirely isolated, even though I have some family around and a few friends I talk to every once in awhile. I do not know if the isolation has driven me further down my rabbit hole, or if this would be happening regardless of who I am around. I cannot control my mood in any capacity, and in the hour or two of a break I get from the crushing despair and chaos in my head, Ill try to actively stay in the wildly overly positive state because at least its positive. But its almost as if trying to stay there just makes me return to that chaotic world I have created in my head. I do not know when I started living life inside my head instead of participating in the life in front of me, and I am scared that Ill never be able to make it stop. And I am getting to the point of not being able to take it anymore. I am sorry if that did not makes sense. I am sorry for burdening yet another social platform with my disaster. It gets worse before it gets worse",Depression +20083,"I doubt I will do it. But I have thought about it for a long time. Someone I cared about took their life almost two years ago, and it put me in a difficult position. I ended up returning home. I think if I had stayed away, I probably would have been dead by now. I believe it honestly would have been easier.I hate myself. I feel like I have been lost and simply existing for the past two years. Feeling sorry for myself. People have offered help in ways that did not actually help me, other than providing me a place to live. Which I am lucky for. But I honestly wish I had taken my chances and found a cheap apartment after my roommate passed, instead of returning home. I hate home. My family is passive aggressive and full of drama. I wish I had attempted to cope on my own. Maybe I would be better off right now.My car eventually broke down. Turns out the make and model was riddled with transmission issues, that I would have known of if I had done more research. Instead of being a desperate dumbass and wanting a mode of transportation despite my bad credit.Then COVID hit. I was and still am living with family who are more at risk if they ever were to get infected. I never would be able to forgive myself if I got them sick. I feel like I should have just stayed away from family and just eventually killed myself. Saved them the pain of becoming reacquainted with me.I have fallen behind on my car payments. I have talked to them and have been trying to find employment, but it is been more difficult than I thought it would be. At this point, with the amount of times they call me each day, I think it is obvious that even if I had taken the right steps and gotten ahold of them before I was unable to pay them back, they would be hounding me just as bad as they are now.I dream about dying. I fantasize about talking to these people on the phone and shooting myself in the head, in the car they financed me. I doubt they would give a fuck, but a shitty part of me wants to hound these agents like they hound me. I want them to feel the anxiety that I feel, with each ring of the phone. And if I am going to lose this shitty broken ass car and have bad credit again for the next 7 years, I am just done. I am fucked up but I want to fuck up a person apart of the system that I fucking despise. Which sickens me. they are just doing their jobs. But I remember how monotone they all sound whenever they speak to me. And I remember this is just how life is. Life is all about money.An even more fucked up part of me feels like I have been self-sabotaging to work myself up to this point. To make it easier to give myself an excuse to exit out of this world. I am scared to talk to anyone about what goes through my head. They have enough to deal with. But there is this shitty dark side of me that wants to go out and leave behind the pain I feel inside everyday. And I fucking hate that part of me. I feel so much resentment for everything and myself.I just wish I had never been born. I think even my family would have been better off without me.I just want my brain to stop. Nearly every day is so painful. I wish I had something to mute the shit inside of my head. I am an anxiety ridden mess.It hurts. I feel pathetic. Like I am a burden to everyone and that they would be better off without me. I know I am a burden. It feels like every time I have tried to climb out of the holes I have dug myself, some shit has happened to put me right back where I started. Like the universe is telling me to end it all.I really just wish I could die in my sleep. I get worked up over the most pathetic shit now and I am just done with myself. I am an emotional mess on the inside over the stupidest things. And yet I hide it. And I feel like most the time I am only pretending to be happy now. Fake smiles all around.I fucking hate myself, but I am scared one day, the stupidest shit is going to send me over the edge. Feel lost but a part of me is ready, or maybe this is what I was working toward all along",Suicidal +20084,I feel like I have no reason to wake up. I hate every one and everything including myself. What am I supposed to do at this point? Fuck this,Depression +20085,I been depressed for More than 3+years what ever I try to do never works it only gets worse my life is pointless I think about killing myself every day no one ever cares I do not even know who I am and the only thins I have know for my whole life is sadness and anger I cannot do anything right so why should not I Why should not I kill myself,Depression +20086,"So I was going pretty good for a while, I had a pretty stable-ish job with a partner I loved, started working on my credit score to hopefully get surgeries or a house or whatever else. I had about 4k saved up in my bank that I saved from scratch alone, as I would been unemployed for quite a while beforehand and rapidly needed to save money. Life was good, or seemingly so - my gf had always wanted to move to Oregon, and seeing as how I had the money, and a job that could be transferred over ( and she is literally my gf who is moving so I got to come with lmfao ) I took it. I got here with no house, I lived in a hostel for about a month which was miserable and afterwards met this pretty cool dude who gave me a place to stay. Unfortunately the system failed him too and he is being deported back to India, meaning for me I now have no money and no house and no gf and no stability. Everything I have scraped by to make my own, to chisel out of the fucking marble rock that is my life has just as quickly collapsed around me and I am left to pick up the pieces. I am about to be homeless, penniless, nameless, and overall worthless to anyone around me save my body. Hey hey me again",Suicidal +20087,"Hi everyone,I am a 28 year old trans man and my biggest mistake was coming out to friends and family about a year ago. I confused my friends, who are somewhat supportive, and I completely alienated my family, who are very religious and will not speak to me about this topic since I came out. Lately I feel like I have just become a burden to everyone around me. Even my supportive friends are just humoring me by calling me by my preferred name and pronouns. Ill never look like a man, sound like a man, or otherwise pass as a man. Even though I started taking testosterone, nothing has changed. Well, that is not true. I no longer can cry. But I wish sometimes that I had just kept my gender identity to myself and suffered in silence rather than because so much suffering to the people around me. I have been thinking about dying the last couple of days. I want to hang myself, but I am so heavy I do not think there is any place in my apartment that I would be able to suspend myself from. I do not know. Is it ever going to get better? How to undo all the harm I have caused?",Suicidal +20088,I have been labelled as depressed but sometimes it feels like a bit of a blanket term because I see how many people go in for treatment of depression/anxiety and later find they actually have a personality disorder. I am not a person who does not believe in depression but I am highly suspicious despite all the people who have told me I am depressed. How did you know you were depressed instead of having a personality disorder?,Depression +20089,"why is everyone so toxic on any kind of multiplayer game, it makes me sad. all i wanted to do was have fun with a video game and i cannot even do that why",Suicidal +20090,False HopeA summer night full of lightning bugsSeeing your parents' one last hugDropping the bottle you meant to chugA broken ladder in the hole you have dug a short poem. I am all out of hope and I do not see another way out,Suicidal +20091,I wish I could go to bed without wanting not to wake up the next day.And I wish I could wake up without wishing I had not woken up The only thing I want is to stop feeling anything,Depression +20092,I do not really talk a lot. I do not like to admit my shortcomings or anything that makes me seem weak. So maybe I am just a pricc? Picture everyone you call your friend right now just abandoning you because of life and people thinking they are better than you. This is my situation in a nutshell. Idk what I need but I know its not a friend pitty or drugs. I just hope somebody can learn from my mistakes and better their life you all have a good day/night like the title says I am just Down & Out Down & Out,Depression +20093,"Drug arrived and all it takes is a couple sniffs and I will not even know I am dying. Its the ideal way to go. As each day goes by I am getting more tempted to use it. Its only 10 feet away. It makes me feel comfortable that I have it. Its been months of the same cycle. Anhedonia. Looking forward to nothing. Suicidal. what is the purpose of a life like that, there is none. I do not want to do this but I feel that I need to. What is stopping me",Suicidal +20094,"in this instant gratification world, a lot of the time i feel nobody has any time for each other.i feel so disconnected. disconnected",Depression +20095,"I went on a trip. At the town I was at, there was a light house. You can climb up the light house to the top. Well, I was going to go to the top, but I got too much anxiety from a fear of heights. I did not make it all the way up. As soon as I got back down, I realized that if I had the guts to go all the way to the top, I could have jumped from the top to fall to my death, but it was too late.Had I not had a fear of heights, I would have actually done it. I thought about killing myself over the weekend when I was on a trip.",Suicidal +20096,"I hate being depressed but i cannot imagine what lifes like anymore w o it. Not trying to act like its an item. Today my psychiatrist told me it may be a good idea, i do not why I am lying, she said it is a great idea to do an out patient treated for 2 weeks, 6 hours a day in August before i start school again but what is it and will it actually do something or just for those 2 weeks is it like school, will i want to be there? I do not know if doing an in patient treatment because then i can get comfortable there like kind of home? For two weeks, idk. My stomach is in knots, i do not know what to do Depression at 24",Depression +20097,I know that doing nothing all day in my room not going to change my life. I need to get the fuck out of my bed and find a job but imagining myself walk out in public just makes me trembling. I hate to say this but i do hate myself. I am a coward.,Depression +20098,"Idk what to say other than that I am so tired and I cannot deal with this shit anymore. I have informed my one friend about it and he tried to talk me out of it but I told him that I have already made up my mind about it. Then in the end he kind of agreed and told me ""look out for us in heaven"" and some sort. I kind of got hurt because he actually stopped trying, which makes no sense. I should not feel hurt bc I am the one who keeps saying that I will really do it. I feel guilty. A lot. But I should not. For now I may feel normal but I know that later, tomorrow, I will feel the pain again for the rest of my life. It never stops. And I do not want to go through it anymore. Can you guys give me reasons and motivations to do it? I know that sounds bad I just cannot deal with everything anymore. I am planning on ending myself today",Suicidal +20099,"I do not know how to explain myself in here so I am going to try it. I woke up an hour ago. I saw my cat (7 years with me) and I was started crying. She is little bit sick the vets says there is nothing big about her but she lost her appetite and all. I love her so much and sometimes I feel I am alone in this world just me my mom and my cats. And then I start thinking about something happened to them. After that I am start crying for hours. have a rough life, I lost lot of people until now. (I am 27) and keep thinking this is my destiny to lose people, loved ones. I do not know how to exit this thoughts. I cannot talk with anybody not my friends (not much just 2 person) not my bf, he is always busy with something and says I am the one not talking to him. So I am here. I have some problems. I cannot afford go to psych, and my school have full schedule at the psychological consultation. My life based on losing people. In age 12 I lost my grandma who I love as my mom. 17 I lost my dad and 21 I lost my grandpa. I try to live my life in these. I quit school two times and this is last one I am at my last year. I do not want o quit this too and I am barely on my feet I want to do more but these feelings are so strong that I am not capable, I am not enough and I am not deserve anything good. f something goes right after that I can lose someone for sure. How can I keep moving forward in this?I just have to tell and get rid of. t's 8 am and I am trying to understand",Depression +20100,"I have been depressed for several years and its only gotten worse, especially in the past few months. its gotten to the point where i cannot seem to use games, hobbies, or anything to distract me from the miserableness.i do not know what to do anymore, i feel so trapped in my circumstances, I have broken down multiple times in the past couple weeks and not even a therapist could help me. all i can do is complain to online friends who are unable to help me. I have been on a merry go round of meds and nothings working. its like my fucking brain is rejecting themim sick of being told ""it gets better"" when it has not gotten better its only gotten WORSEi do not know what to do anymore. I am not enjoying anything, my mental stability is deteriorating and i feel beyond helpi should have ended it all years ago, and i do not see myself making it to 2022 at this rate... i cannot seem to enjoy anything anymore and I am actively miserable and i do not know what to do",Depression +20101,"Hey, I am 23, I grew up with my foster parent who were really toxic and I could not take it anymore, while I was 16, I left and never came back, I had to do things to survive, things which some I am not proud of. I had 3 jobs but lost all of them. I had to sleep with men for money and it took away everything I am Today I am 3 days away from being moved from my apartment, I have my bills piling up and no way to pay them, I have not eaten since last night, I mostly have to ask my neighbors for leftover which I am sure they are all tired of me, I just want to end it, all of it, I just want stop having to wake up to another episode of what am I in this world, why am I here?Sometimes I had the cheat alot of people to survive, and at the end of the day I feel totally sad and disappointed, this is what I want for life, I did not ask to be born into world, I never seem to get anything right Now I have got nothing, I stand to be homeless soon and no food, I have alot of things lost, I cannot afford to buy food, I am totally done with this life I just want to die and let the pain go away, I just want to end the suffering, it is time I just go, no one cares about me, I have been used by people who I thought were friends. I know I am not a good person and I accept that, but I cannot take it more.Everytime I keep hearing do not give up, help is on its way but no help from anyone or anywhere. I did not ever fit and I was not suppose to fit and it is clear to me In my eyes now. I do not belong in this world right now. I just want to die now, I am totally tired",Suicidal +20102,"Ill be dead and gone. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot fucking take the agony. I hope its sooner. Fuck my life. And fuck you John, you ruined everything. Now I am left with a mess. After August 8th",Suicidal +20103,"I am 14, I am going into high school,I have not talked to anyone I know, and I hate everything about myself the year before. I make awful jokes, I was an idiot, I ruined everything. I have been really down lately.I do not know if its depression, I do not care if it is either. I have always had the idea of suicide in the back of my mind, but I have never been able to contemplate it, or imagine it, I am terrified. I have gained a ton of weight, I have lost a ton of sleep, I hate how I look, how I talk, everything. All I do is sit around and play video games, and eat, and sleep. My health is deteriorating and I do not have the motivation to change it. My lack of sleeps caused me to lose coordination, and now I have all these scars from falls, cuts from cans, shattered nails. I am losing my grasp on my dreams, my own reality. I am scared of my life, every aspect of it, and I try to cover that up. I put on a smile, and act like its all good, I feel happy, get home, and it all crashes in front of me. I am not proud of myself, and I do not know what to do. I am scared",Suicidal +20104,"So I was already fighting suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges. But then about an hour ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. So, I am not really sure what to think at this point. Oddly enough, I am actually much calmer now than I was before. Not entirely sure that is a good thing. But it is what it is. Feeling pretty stupid",Suicidal +20105,"I literally do not have any friends, literally like no one. I thought the people I knew in real life were my friends, y'know the one's I went to grade school with. Built a friendship with, those people it is all fake. I should have gotten the memo earlier, I had a feeling they would ditch me when they got the chance and that happened sooner than expected. I hate it so much, I have been alone for longer than I would like to admit. Does it get better? Does life finally start to become bearable? I hate it so much and I hate the fact that I literally cannot talk to no one about this. I am forced to bottle all this trash up until it brings me to the point where I am better off pulling the trigger. I have no real friends to talk to, I got no one that gives a slight fuck for me to speak. Kids like me where meant to be thrown away, I just want to be set free. Let me graze the skies with no restrictions, I cannot believe I actually thought I had friends. I cannot believe I was stupid enough to believe I worthless person like me was capable of making friends. I am just a sack of shit that needs to die off, I am the plague of this world. I need to be eradicated, I cannot do it anymore I am not strong enough to continue walking the path of misery. My time is coming to an end, I just need something that will do the job quick and painless. A bullet to the brain or a rope to the neck should do, I am too far gone to be helped or maybe I am not. I hate having that last bit of hope that I cling onto so much. Maybe I can get help, no I am better off dead anyway I have just now realized it",Depression +20106,I am so numb even after trying to explain my feelings I get told I understand you and that is it. I am so broken Help,Suicidal +20107,"Maybe knowing that I literally cannot afford to try is what will keep me here today. I have insurance but it does not cover jack shit, and I expect fighting out the bills with them would be astronomically harder than fighting them out with the hospital if I had to pay out of pocket. So let us assume I would not be able to get out of any bills, even if I had the will to try.TIA. (USA) People who attempted and failed: how big was your hospital bill?",Suicidal +20108,"Therapy, medication, exercise.therapy, medication, exercise. I have spent half of my life in this vicious cycle, nothing seems to be a permanent solution to my misery. I know I should not feel this way. I am young (20s), objectively successful, (subjectively) attractive, likeable enough. I have friends who care about me, a partner who says he loves me. I managed to climb out of the traumatic hole I was raised in and creat what most would consider a wonderful little life for myself. So why cannot my brain chemistry just get with the program? What are you suppose to do when nothing feels like its working anymore. I really do not see the point in doing this for another 70 some odd years. The pain is astronomical. I find myself bawling uncontrollably as soon as I have a moment alone with my thoughts. Once the crying finally stops the numbness sets in. Sure people would miss me, but we all move on. Everyone would move on. I am really just struggling to keep going. What makes the cycle worth it for you? Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? When nothing works anymore",Depression +20109,I live with my sister and her boyfriend who bully me everyday. It makes me have no motivation to do anything anymore. It makes me feel like nothing matters. I am depressed about my living situation,Suicidal +20110,"TW: mention of suicide, self harm, and abuse I wanted to share this story hopefully to give someone out there struggling some hope. When I was around 13 I was struggling with really bad depression. I was constantly in and out of mental hospitals and my biological father would not get me therapy and would not allow me to get medication to help. He and his girlfriend where very controlling of me and I suffered a lot of emotional abuse. It got to the point where I would self harm on the daily and if they seen it they would mock me for it. I was once left on the side of the road with no idea on how to get home and no phone. I was not allowed to eat carbs or anything high in sugar. They convinced me I was severely overweight where I was roughly 180lbs at the time. They gaslighted me and always reminded me of how great of a life I had because I had clothes and a roof over my head. To this day I have a hard time admitting that what I went through was abuse and not just strict parenting. One day I had a really bad breakdown and ended up yelling back at my stepmom. My dad came home said almost nothing to me but to get on the back of his motorcycle. I did and he took me to a little Italian restaurant. We sat in a booth on the corner and had a long talk. A younger couple, maybe in there early 20s, where seated next to us. The woman was blonde and very pretty, and who I assume was her date was a man whose face I did not see. The most rememberable part was when I said, Dad I want to kill myself, does that really mean nothing to you? He was quiet for a second as he thought about it but showed no emotion. Then he looked me in the eyes and said, I believe you think you do but you will not. This triggered something in me. It was at that moment I decided as soon as we got on that freeway on his bike I was going to jump in front of the biggest vehicle I could see. I do not remember saying much after that I just focused on finishing my eggplant parmesan. He got up to pay for the bill and as soon as he was gone the lady sat where he was and asked if she could talk to me. I hesitated then nodded. She told me that I was beautiful and intelligent and a few other things. She reminded me of the future I could have. My tears stopped as I held back a sob. My dad yelled my name and told me to get up. I remember flinching but I do not know what kept me on that seat. I could have been frozen in fear or just latching on to this strangers kind words. She said everything I needed that did not even know I needed to hear. Even if that conversation did not last longer then 2 minutes it changed my life. Now I am in a safe place with a great support system. I plan on studying to become a licensed therapist and helping kids. I wanted to share this story for anyone who is going through a tough time. It sounds cliche but I promise no matter the situation you are in right now, life will get better. A stranger saved my life",Depression +20111,"I have not been diagnosed formally with anything yet, though I have experienced depressive episodes and times where I feel mostly normal but still slightly depressed? And during these times where I can function pretty well, I still feel like something is OFF. Something feels really wrong but it is not something i can really describe or put my finger on. Anyone relate? Depression make you feel super weird like something very wrong - but cannot place what?",Depression +20112,"Man I do not think I have ever been down in the dumps like this I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression about 7 years ago and it has not been easy but 5 years ago I met someone online we hit it off and we instantly connected over the span of the last 2 years it was amazing I did not really feel down or upset most of the time because of her and she made me smile and happy but about a week ago she said she could not do it anymore because of the distance between us she said she could not do it anymore and that her mental health was not in a good spot I did not want it to end but I could not change her mind so we broke it off and wow the urge to cry every hour of the day is insane I do get really close to crying and breaking down but I get ahold of myself at least until night time where I can let it all out but she was the best thing that happened to me and it just ended like that. I wish I met her so she knew we could make it work but covid made it pretty hard for that so it did not happen, but yeah lately I have been thinking of what to do as I was also let go of my job 2 days ago and I got an interview today but do not feel like I did well and I cannot think of much besides wanting her back or just plain disappearing or dying I just want to be okay but I do not feel like I can be. Its gotten worse.",Depression +20113,"I wonder every night why is to why I am still on this train called life I feel like I should have gotten off a very long time ago. I feel like I deserve help or maybe I do not want it, I do not have the self confidence to love myself nor do I have brains to fix little things about me,I feel like a broken toy that cannot be fixed. The weird thing is I only feel this way at night which is why I go to sleep when ever I feel this way but I read that this is a bad way to cope with depression. Id been thinking of reasons as to why I want to live and I do not have any I know if I end it right now it will selfish to others but is its it selfish to they to want me to stay here and suffer. By the way I have a 21 year old female Why am I still on this train call life",Depression +20114,"Yo, I did everything right. I got into many good schools for my college career and chose the least expensive. The problem? I am 17 years old. Though I will be 18 in September (a measly two months), nobody is fucking with a 17 year old. No private student loan lenders will take me, no community colleges in state and out of state will grant me housing, I got kicked out. So mark this date, and know that I did my best. I am not doing a gap year. A year of homelessness after doing everything right? Yeah fuck that. I am marking the date of taking my life: August 30th",Suicidal +20115,"Is this what life is? Just going through the motions, chore after chore, for the rest of my life? Just one meaningless day after another? I ruined my life. I hate myself. I have no passion for life, no hope, no dreams anymore. I lost my chance at true love. I have no worthwhile future. I do not think I can do this anymore.",Depression +20116,So I have been on Effexor 75mg ER for about 3 years and recently my doctor decided to change it to Wellbutrin. I ended up taking 32.5mg for about 2 weeks to ween off it but as soon as i stopped the withdrawals started beating my ass. I am currently on day 4 without it and its unbearable. the physical symptoms are horrible i have brain zaps throughout my whole body and i cannot even stand up. not even going to go into the emotional symptoms. just wondering if anyone has gone through this and has any advice because this shit sucks Effexor Withdrawls,Depression +20117,Not much to say honestly.... I need help... I am suffocated and depressed..... n Family... Friends... well ... for them... I throw tantrums...... I am really in a bad place mentally n emotionally.... n if it is asked what is the reason ???... I cannot just say one or two ... for precisely there are so many.....Counselling.... treatment... Again... it is not an option here... Earlier... I had posted about the whole situation but now... it is just getting worse with every passing day.....I am barely keeping up with myself.... N... noo.. I am not suicidal.... I am just standing in the dark.....FAMILY.... FRIENDS... LOVE.... Never worked for me...... I want to get out of this mess... and to be me again.....Suggestions... advices are much needed.... A cry for help,Depression +20118,"I work in fast food because I had to drop out of college because I tried to commit suicide 3 times and was so depressed that I could not go to class. Now it is too late and I failed a lot of classes and cannot go back. I got As in highschool, was several years ahead in 2 subjects, scored very high on an IQ test, and was constantly reminded of how successful I will be by my teachers. Well guess what. I dropped out and make 12/hour while also paying my dad the insurance and car money I owe him, plus a bunch of bills and do not even have a place. I suffer from malnourishment which causes me to get sick and miss EVEN MORE work. This leads to being even more broke and my bank account hits 0 a week before I get paid. I am 6 feet tall but I weigh 125lbs and can barely lift anything because I am so weak and frail from malnourishment. I have tried doing UberEats to help, and it worked, but suddenly my car has some issues I cannot afford to fix yet. I am screwed and I am eventually going to die anyway in lots of pain from malnourishment, so why not end it now? what is the point of living if I do not make enough to?",Suicidal +20119,18+ please Hey can I talk to anyone? Super lonely,Suicidal +20120,Anyone want to talk about this? One physical symtom i have is my skin feels numb. Anyone rlse? Physical symtomes.,Depression +20121,"My online boyfriend has been the only reason I have been keeping going through all the bullshit. Because I really want to meet him in person. I want to achieve my biggest dream of dating someone I really like before I kill myself. I will spend a great time with my favorite person in the world and kill me.I cannot wait to meet him, and I cannot wait to die. 2021 has been shit. I cannot take it anymore. I want to end the pain as soon as possible. I will commit suicide after I meet my online boyfriend in person",Suicidal +20122,"I woke up suicidal as I sometimes do but I got up, did some stuff, the day got better!Practiced guitar which was fun, I took a shower, did dishes, cleaned my room, picked up some things at the store, I got two packages delivered today as well.I do not know, I liked this day though.Sometimes its just nice to win one. Woke up suicidal, but randomly the day just got better, I am genuinely happy now.",Depression +20123,"All my life by my parents, family, friends, the mental health system, myself... and overall just everyone I come in contact with. I have literally got nobody. I wish someone actually cared about me. I am sick of living life this way. Neglected and abandoned by everyone.",Depression +20124,"so about 2 years ago my dad died and before that i was dealing with struggles the mormon church brought upon me still am to some extent but not being mormon anymore has made life alot easier, now this year I have had to drop my last 2 friends due to toxicity and i did not know what to do with my life, what i did not realise was that cutting the toxic people out of my life would make a huge difference still not enough to bring me out of my depression but a huge huge difference. then i discovered a love for singing and music not just listening to music but playing it on instruments like the morin huur and balalaika... music has effectively saved my life i had plans on ending it all if i found the right time and place where my body would not be found now i pour that energy into music my grandma says they are very sad songs but... of course they are I am pouring my emotion into it. that being said I am still not better but I am no longer suicidal and for that I am eternally thankfull i would like to thank all those musicians who did not put me down and instead built me up and helped me saving me from oblivion, just wish it could get 100% better but maybe that is not how life is... needed to get this off my chest Music",Depression +20125,"its been 9 years since i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety (when i was 8). i also have adhd. since my diagnosis, so many terrible things have happened and i am now also diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, mdd, and GAD. every day it gets worse. I have been inpatient hospitalized 3 times and am on a path to being hospitalized again. my question is why. why am i still living in this pain? i go to my therapy appointments, I have done dbt, done cbt, tried animal therapy, i take my meds, and i actively try to get better. but I am still in pain. i dwell and idk how to stop. so many people have left me and I am not longer any fun to hangout with so nobody invites me anymore and I have spent this entire summer alone. I have tried everything at this point, i use my coping skills and they just do not work. i miss the days before my first hospitalization. sure i was depressed, but it was nothing like it is now. i had people who loved me and cared about me. now I am just completely institutionalized. i cannot seem to stay out of the hospital. my life is so pathetic and that is why i come on here and rant about how terrible things are. because reddit is the only place i can be fully honest. i have another suicide plan, but knowing my luck it will not work and ill wake up in the emergency room again. what is the point in life if you are in constant pain Why is nothing working",Depression +20126,"no accomplishment will make me happy. i never feel any positive emotions, the best i feel is empty. i try getting things for myself, but it just makes me feel worse. nothings working. i have not called my therapist in months but it was not doing anything for me in the first place. i have siblings that i do not want to hurt, its been a depressive hell for 8 years. no friends, no talking, nothing. except i talk to a few people at work, but this is an extremely recent development. i do not attach to people well. i feel a mournful jealousy when i see groups of friends in public. i doubt ill ever have anything like that. i panic, stress, and I am very paranoid. i do not know. i do not know what to do. why is nothing working. a part of me knows that I have given up",Depression +20127,I am depressed.I hate myself.I hate my life.I hate being multiple. Or whatever the fuck I am. Maybe I am just delusional or subconsciously making it up.I hate ADD.I hate PTSD.I hate feeling like a monster.I hate OCD.I hate intrusive thoughts.I hate being paranoid.I hate having no friends.I hate not feeling safe.I hate remembering.I hate not remembering.I hate it all.I want to die. I am so unwell,Suicidal +20128,Hate it hate hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it all god damn you god damn you god fucking damn you both(parents) for bringing me into a world this shitty 8 fucking hours till I have to get up to go hate life at work again,Depression +20129,"I made the decision yesterday that today I will be passing on. I wrote my note of wishes, letting whoever finds me know what I want done with my body and belongings. I just hope my demands will be honored. I have never wrote a suicide note before, in the past I just made the attempt, but now I have a few things that need to be taken care of. I have no one to say goodbye to, so Ill just say goodbye to myself, the dreams I had once, the art I created, the art I never got to create, and all my pain. It hurts knowing no-one will ever know me or my story, nor will I be remembered. But at-least I got to share one thing, before I leave. Todays My last day",Suicidal +20130,"I have been playing video games all my life, and they have been a staple hobby for me. At some point along the road of mental illness, I think they stopped being mainly a hobby and turned into a coping mechanism. it is one thing to be bored of a hobby, but it is a completely different thing to be bored of a coping mechanism. It feels like such a struggle to feel happy playing games now, and when I actually manage to enjoy my time, it is never long. As I have grown up, I have developed very specific preferences for the way I play my games, if I cannot fulfill those preferences, it is value as a coping mechanism is void. The longest a single game has lasted for me in the past 4-5 years has been 3 weeks before I lost all interest and began a desperate search for my next game to play. When you have been going through this cycle for a while, you run out of games to hop to; and you run out of ways to cope. I do not know what I have to change, I wish my preferences for these games would just go away, I do not know if it is maybe some form of OCD or just some strange side-effect of depression fucking with the pleasure center of my brain. I do not want videogames to be a coping mechanism anymore, I do not want to have to cope. it is gotten much worse recently, games are only lasting a couple days max and I am losing motivation to even search for more. I just cannot stand to deal with this anymore. it is so hard to enjoy things now",Depression +20131,"I hate myself. I did not ask to be born, so I should not be forced to stay. Numb. So fucking Numb.",Suicidal +20132,"Hustling does not mean earning 5 to 6 figure incomeTaking your diploma/degree part time while working is hustlingWorking double shifts is hustlingPushing through fatigue to earn more for your family is hustlingDifferent people hustle differently. As long as you put your 100% into it, all for the good of you, or your loved ones, that is a hustle.do not let others tell you you are not hustling. Even if you are puahing through the darkest times of your lives, to atain that small glimer of light, that is a hustle, and that is worth every bit of praise do not let others define your efforts",Depression +20133,"I really do not understand why I exist. I have asked my mom multiple times and all she says is that its a blessing I am here.I could have a terminal illness and be stuck in a hospital and that other people would gladly trade places with me. I understand that but I am still depressed and unhappy. I will not ever be happy. I have been on 8 different meds in the span of 2 yrs. Felt like a guinea pig. None of them worked. I am about to go off to college but I feel pressured to go and I really hate school. High school was extremely traumatic. I do not like living here I want to travel the world and explore but that requires money. I just do not want to live a life where I get a degree with a mediocre job and still live a depressed life. Working in the fast food industry was a literal living hell and it sucks that ppl have to be forced to make a living with such small wages.I have made multiple attempts to die yet I am still here. I am so exhausted, the meds make me feel like I am half dead, I cannot feel anything. Cutting and music do not help anymore. I have no friends. So no one would truly miss me. I hope to be forgotten about and just fade away because its not like I am a memorable person I am shy and quiet. Easily forgettable. I am srry for ranting but I needed to vent :( I do not get it",Suicidal +20134,I wish I would die or someone else would take my place. I should be happy I have a son on the way. But I am not I am trying to be better for him but I am a bad person. Ill lose him in the end and will be alone. This is dumb I am a terrible person. He deserves better but what if I cannot do it. I cannot keep my emotions in check rn I feel so alone. Everyone I loved has left. I have some family but I am just a burden to them I know it. If they were not good they would leave too. They must feel obligated. I wish I could go back. Back to when I was not pregnant. I should have ended it then. I do not deserve to live. I do not deserve him. I am scared of losing him. I probably make no sense. Maybe this is just a weak moment. I am back again,Depression +20135,"I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3yrs ago and I have been seeing shrinks and taking meds on and off since. Off for the past months. it is gotten so bad that everyday I think about dying. Words and ""self care"" do not help anymore. I know meds and therapy sessions might but I cannot afford those since I got so depressed that I stopped being able to do my job, or anything else for that matter. Heck, I can barely afford to pay for food these days.Truth is, I know I need help but I do not know how to get it or who to ask because I have been here before and the people I thought I could count on did not really seem to care much.So, please help? Please.. I really need help",Suicidal +20136,"I am new. I guess I am depressed but never had any real diagnosis. I have been deluged with lots of issues, one after another, since 2007. Massive stroke Dad, sudden death Mother in Law, grandchild in NICU, another grandchild with genetic disorder, difficult in law situations, Mother had dementia, angry dementia...I was only child so no support. Family got tired of it all the time... like a never ending nightmare book has been my life.... I feel like I have gone as far as I can and I also feel like I am on a roller coaster with this depression.. I can be so down... then I think I am calling the doc in the am but I feel better then. My spouse does not support me or encourage me to seek treatment.... thinks I should be able to fix this. Get stronger. I have gained weight, feel like giving up, tired of fighting/trying/ and have always leaned in to God and faith but feel like I am losing that. I am just tired... I wish I would just die. Probably not enough sick to kill myself... but sick enough to be miserable. So tired. I am very sensitive... feel like I am losing everything. do not get excited about things... feel like I have to fight and argue for anything I want or like in life .... cannot make decisions. Sound pretty sick/hopeless eh? Support? Any suggestions? No money for counseling anyway.... Imploding",Depression +20137,"Me (M25) and my brother (M29) share the bills at home. Our dad has no job (but does all the chores at home) and our mum earns very little as a school teacher. My brother is turning 30 and is deciding to finally move out which is about damn time tbf. I work freelance doing random stuff such as graphic design, programming and video editing. Lately I have been having a hard time to focus on work and have been stuck in bed doing absolutely nothing. Finding out about my brothers plan, it further stressed me out knowing Id carry all the responsibilities. I wish i can get up and be all productive but I am mentally incapable. All i do is cry and hope I can magically disappear or win a lottery. I just found out ill be the breadwinner of the family soon and my depression does not allow me to focus on work",Depression +20138,"I have struggled with suicidal ideation off and on since I was 12. I am now well into my 30s. I am really afraid and yet in a weird way relieved at the feeling that I am heading for a suicide attempt again tonight. My husband has not tried to be romantic with me in so long I could not even tell you how long it has been. I am a very self conscious and introverted person, but I have managed to make myself be the one to instigate physical affection multiple times recently despite my feelings that my husband does not even want to be with me. He has rejected me every time, only addressing it later by saying he was tired or had too much to drink (even though I know he was not drunk at the time). After a lot of other strains on the relationship I will not go into for brevity's sake, I finally heard him admit tonight that he is not interested in me romantically anymore. When asked why he does not just divorce me then, he says he wants me to be his partner. This makes no sense.I do not want to be around to be a burden on anyone. And I am so desperately lonely. He knows how lonely I am because despite myself I have told him so while crying multiple times. I do not want to do this anymore. I am pointless and unloveable. I just do not want to be here anymore. The sick thing is I am not even really posting this in hopes of help. I just want to be heard for once, and it feels safest to say it to strangers who do not even know my name, let alone anything else about me. I am sorry I wasted your time with my drama. Thanks for listening. I hope you all have or find happiness. I am a waste of space and being around hurts too much",Suicidal +20139,"I was diagnosed with it early in life, but I have always dealt with it. Just as I have gotten a bit older, it seems to have become a more constant, more permanent fixture to my existence.In the past, you could maybe attribute it to this or that, like bad luck or even substance abuse. Or even the loss of friends and/or family or other traumatic events, but I am years-past such events and I have better habits now. Plus, out of sheer necessity, I kind of remobilized myself and even got an excellent job again at the start of the year. Something I am good at, that I can do well. So, I cannot really ""work on"" those aspects anymore. I am legit in all that again. it is like I made it somewhere, but it changed nothing internally.But things I do, none of it changes my utter lack of feeling. My total disinterest in life. No matter the changes I make, things that would be considered (and are) positive, do nothing to elevate my mood and general outlook on life. Whether I am in elite physical condition again or not, or earning good money or not, none of it really helps. It feels really nice to be able to buy something for someone I care about, but every time I get paid, it almost all just goes to my savings. Like, I just have no real motivation or ambition. it is like a burnout or something, like just being so worn out from carrying great responsibility at times, for so long.I honestly cannot think of much to buy, that I really want. One of the last holdouts was video-games. I have always enjoyed them but lately, I do not really even feel motivated to do gaming of my own. Then the other day, a really sweet coworker of mine gave me a really nice compliment, but I just kind of smiled and felt kind of sad about it, for some reason. Like, I felt like it was wasted on me and that she would be better off devoting that energy to someone else.And yeah, I do have unhealthy, self-destructive thoughts that, at times, seem comforting. I try not to indulge them. it is all fairly dysfunctional at times. I disappoint myself here.It sucks too because I cannot give up. There is not one person on this Earth to whom I can run for support. everyone is gone, moved on, or I just blew it with them and they do not want anything to do with me. So, if I do not earn a check, I have nothing. I must continue and it is all just bleak at times, since I would really wish just to go somewhere far away, somewhere dark and isolated. Like a sanctuary for despair, which I hate to say.it is just a reality of my life and it kind of sucks that I have not been able to move past it much, despite accomplishing some great things recently. Rather, it seems more a part of me, more certainly, than before. Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. Just I would been carrying these thoughts for sometime now. Seems Like I will Never Be Rid of Depression",Depression +20140,I am really trying my best to stay alive and not hurt myself but I do not think that is possible I am trying,Suicidal +20141,"Bare with me guys. I am 22, graduated hs in 2017 and was bulimic in high school. I failed 3+1/2 years of college because of depression that started up my freshman year. I have hidden it from my mom who pays for school w/ the limited $ from parents divorce (because she is extremely reactive so I did not want to tell her & expected the best of me every second because I got good grades in high school). I am just starting over and now she is wondering why I am hiding my grades from her. & I have lied about my grades every since I started failing/was on academic probation in college. I feel like a POS. I do not know what to do. She says if I do not get in a call with a school academic advisor and discuss why I did not get into the state university here WITH HER, she will not be paying for any more school. I am fucking fucked. Long story short, I got my depression handled this last year also but she only knows about the eating disorder. She is NOT the type to be sympathetic about me failing because I had depression, so telling her that is a no. All of the people I know my age have graduated and have degrees w/ a path/future, and I am still here at phase 1, but minus a ton of money. I work for all of my money I have, but my family does not have a lot to spare and my dad does not believe in education & has told me every time I see him that he will never help. Yes, I know I sound ridiculous being sad about wasting money we had for school. Any advice is welcome except for its okay, she will not be mad if you tell her. Depression sucks ass, it directly and indirectly fucks every bit of your life up. Its the reverse Midas touch. Depression in college",Depression +20142,"Therapy for 3 years.Anitdepresantas for 1y.All that i learned that i do not want to be optimistic. I just cannot help but to consider optimism naive. I tried to be a happy person but it just felt like i am delaying the inevitable. Maybe i am depressed, maybe there is no help for me or maybe i do not want to get better. Who knows.I am just tired of trying.So i will live out my days and die.that is where we are all going anyways.English second language sry for grammar I am not depressed , I am just pessimistic.",Depression +20143,I have been through a lot. Got gaslightedand manipulated like a year...and the polices and my therapist thinks it is not my fault too and consider me as a victim.And they did saw evidences.While people who are victim shaming on me saw nothing.But some people are keeping victim shaming on me.Telling me that it is my fault that I let those persons take advantage of me and I am just using autism as an excuse... saying I am just trying to project my mistake to someone else.But I and my therapist thinks even some people with no autism will be trapped in the situation like what I have been through as well.it is not my fault to balme.I was deceived!!!I think it is more like my story telling skill more than it was my faultOr some people are just mean...Or it is really just my story telling skill.I check on the Google and I found that the things some people said to me are really victim shaming...They have my nude because of I send them my nude?How about if you got raped and I say you were raped because of you are weak and stupid? Huh? How about that?!!! How about that? The bad guy have my nude because of I send them my nude? How about if you got raped and I say you were raped because of you are weak and stupid? Huh? How about that?!!! How about that?,Depression +20144,"I do not know what is wrong with me anymore. I do not have the emotional capacity for most things, and some days I really do not want to be here. Sometimes it feels like nobody really cares. I feel like I have been looking the wrong places for validation or acceptance and its so difficult for me to continue on. I ruin almost every relationship I get in when I drop the facade of being fun, free, and nonchalant. I really wish I were in therapy. You know what hurts the most? It feels like everyone is gone. Friends, the one person I started to like..life feels very weird right now. I am so confused and I just want things to feel okay again. I want to feel okay again. I have lost myself",Depression +20145,I am trying...i swear I am giving it my all. To do the best in my studies. I am even scoring good. I thought I will be happy but something or the other happens that just sends me spiralling downwards... it is so frustrating not being able to trust the people closest to you and talk about stuff with them. Welp ig imma say it here lmao. My dad beat the shit outta me yesterday and i really want to start self harming and tried my hand at it after it. Firstly i got beaten up because i did not mop the place where water fell from my dog's bowl and he almost slipped. I was about to go do it but my dog started whining so i was just looking after her. He started shouting. I shouted back. And he just slapped me really hard. My right ear was ringing like in movies when a bomb goes off or smthng. Then he used a flip flop and hit me on the head with it and my mum had to step in. It feels so humiliating. Just feels like I am robbed of any sort of humane treatment. it is so damaging to my already low self esteem and confidence. it is concerning how much i think about suicide these days. Literal fantasies. I hope i have enough courage to do it someday. Worst part is i cannot talk to anyone about it. No one. When i tried in the past it just fucked me up even further coz it just felt like nobody gives a shit. Anyhow i punched myself several times on the right side of my face hoping for a bruise or smthng in the morning but did not happen. Hurts tho. Anyone got any tips on how to self harm without blades and stuff? I just felt better after doing that coz it just felt like i deserved it. I fr want to start doing it on a regular basis. I feel like i enjoy the pain coz it is what i fucking deserve and nothing else. I am a worthless pathetic little piece of shit and deserve the most painful death possible. But I am a coward so haha i do not have the balls to do it. Fml I do not think I am getting any better,Suicidal +20146,"the title sums it up. It would be better for the world, at least for me, if i was not par of it, but the thing is i do not have the gut to kill myself. I can call that whatever i want, say that 'it is unthinkable to kill oneself"" but the ugly truth is that I am a coward and there is no beauty in that. I am in a purgatory and i cannot do shit about it I should vanish but I am a coward",Depression +20147,"Me and my mom have not gotten along for ages. I know I am not perfect. I was hoping to finally fly across the country to see her after two years now that we are fully vaccinated. She took time off too. We got into an argument a few weeks ago. She has not talked to me in weeks. I talked to her today to find out she cancelled her time off that I planned to see her. She booked work and said that is just how it is I am defeated, unloved, and alone. I have a vial of insulin but no needles. I am going to get one at work tomorrow. I have nothing. My mother hates me. I have nothing. Been working as a nurse through this pandemic and I am done",Suicidal +20148,"I do not know if this is correct sub reddit but here I goRecently, I met a close friend of mine and was narrating the story of my breakup with slight annoyance and dark humor and proud that I was strong and nothing affected me yada yada. He pointed that I did not feel anything for the relationship that is why I could not cry and it infuriated me but I let it pass anyway. It has been almost 5 years I have cried and it has started to bother me. It has been a long time(the breakup) but there are moments where I just smile malevolently at myself and think about the scenarios where someone is whipping me or stabbing me with glass, leaving marks and bruises but I do not cry or any sort of extreme scenarios. I googled 'why cannot I cry even if I want to?' and it said there might be a chance I might be suffering from melancholic depression. Is this melancholic depression?",Depression +20149,"FUCK I STILL SOUND SELFISH WHATEVER I DO LOL I want to die because I am tired of this stupid life, I hate everything! Shitty, that is what holding me, I do not want them to think that I am that low, that I have killed myself only because he left me. Bullshit. I am thinking I should let a year pass before I kill myself but every single day is hell. Anyways, it does not even matter what they think of me though. I just hate them for thinking like that. I HATE THESE PEOPLE. I am literally born with the wrong time and wrong place. I hate this chest pain that I feel every day, the pain I suffer every single day. I hate it. I want to end it. I want everything to end. My ex boyfriend thinks I am going to kill myself because of him leaving me",Suicidal +20150,"Now to patiently wait for the meds to start to affect my liver. Hopefully it will start fairly quick and then within a month or two, my time will come. This med did not because my original liver injury for years. But hoping due to previous liver injury, that it will start up quickly this time. I just lost my best friend of the last 4 years. He much rather go drinking and partying every night and give minimal attention to me. I now do not have any friends. I am lonely as hell. On top of that me and my former friend is coming up on the anniversary of the suicide of his past girlfriend. it is on July 26th.I wish my original drug induced liver injury killed me. I was close due to malnutrition while recovering from it. This time I will not stop the meds until hopefully the end or until I reach the point of no return. Thankfully I am already skinny as hell, as I am 5' 6"" and 107 pounds. So thankfully if the liver stuff does not get me, hopefully the weight does. I hate have severe ptsd. It also ruined my friendship.FML Just restarted my antidepressant 30 minutes ago that caused a drug induced liver injury 2 years ago",Suicidal +20151,"My relationship was the only thing I had going for me and turns out my girlfriend is an extremely dangerous and manipulative person who can & will turn any fight into me being crazy because well I am crazy. Now any emotion I feel is crazy. I quit my job because everyday I was thinking about killing myself. I have been getting really really close to taking my life, there are times I will probably never tell anyone because it hurts to much to process the pain of how close I have come to taking my own life. I want to die so fucking bad. I am tooo fucking innocent and pure for how dirty this world had done me. For the people who have hurt me. I want to fucking die. I need to fucking die. I am worthlesssssssssssssssssssss fucking killl me what is the point",Suicidal +20152,"(Idk if I am in the right subreddit, sorry) My parents are not the most flexible when it comes to my future. They want me to study, get an arranged marriage of their choice and live my life from there. they are not letting me leave for college either, they are already having trouble buying a home and they expect to buy another just to stay w/ me? I feel like I am being selfish but I have really wanted to leave for the longest time now but the concept of like, money and living necessities has baffled me. I have always thought of the future and what I am going to do but living situation has always been a hard stop. College debt is also scary, I cannot wrap my head around any of this b/c I keep thinking abt how things might go wrong. I am only in highschool and I have constantly heard ppl say that this is not smth I should worry abt but I cannot help but worry. I really want to be prepared but it is hard (""it is hard"" makes me feel selfish and pathetic) I feel like I am missing key points here but I cannot think properly lately, apologies. Leaving Home",Depression +20153,what is the quickest way to die without feeling pain? Best way to die,Suicidal +20154,"I do not have much to say. I started cutting myself again and I cannot really tell anybody and get it off my chest, so I will just confess here. I started self harming again",Depression +20155,"My fiance just up and abandoned me one day, left me with nothing in a place by myself with no safety net. I am trying to live for my friends but i just feel so empty inside. there is no place for me in the world. I worked through so much therapy, anchored so much of my past trauma or so i thought. But nothing works anymore I am lost in a ocean of agony. I am trying my best to live for my friends and cat but i just do not know how long i can hold on for. I have lost so much weight already, but I am trying to eat again more and taking a vitamin to try and keep my other stuff okay. They were the love of my life, finish your sentences sort of love and suddenly its all gone and I am trapped in a apartment by myself alone. I want to belive there is a light on the other side of all this but its so hard to see it. I am on a anti depressent but all it does is remove my ability to feel, i cannot smile or cry or laugh. I have tried finding some work but with my disability work is hard to find but not a issue we needed to work on right away since we were better off. Everything was in his name because id lose my healthcare if we were joint. Sorry about the formatting i do not make posts often Abandoned",Suicidal +20156,"Give me your best reason that I should not try to kill my self, I do not think that they are going to work Come on and do it",Suicidal +20157,push me offwatch me drown i will be a slave to the moon waiting for you drown,Depression +20158,"I think this could also be posted in unpopular opinion. If I decide to take a nap and do not set an alarm, I can easily sleep 3-4 hours and still get to sleep at bedtime. I usually hit snooze though and sleep a little longer. Its very rarely that I have trouble getting to sleep at bedtime after taking a nap. I assume its the depression and anxiety I deal with or a combination of this and my PCOS but I have always been this way. Anyone else relate or thoughts on why this is? One does not take a nap without setting an alarm.",Depression +20159,"I fucking get it. you are right and I am wrong. I am basically a huge disappointment in every way; I know.you have proven your point that life can be beautiful and amazing for some people, and that I am not one of those people.This lesson was learned decades ago; can you please let me out of this flesh prison now? Its like, Okay, God...",Suicidal +20160,"I am so hopeless, I feel like a robot who is been turned onto autopilot. I just want everything to stop, and to finally be at peace. I know I need help but I cannot even go get it or even kill myself because I have people who rely on me. My friend is falling apart and I have to help her escape an abusive relationship. Obviously I love her and I want to help but Its just such shitty timing because I need help too. I also had an awakening at how much my brother is drinking and how awful he is doing as well. I wish I could just help the people I love instead of being just a presence doing the tiny bit they still can. I love them both so much and everything is such a mess. I want to help them and do not mind doing it but I do not know how long until ill have nothing left. I feel so trapped and I do not know if ill ever escape, I just want to sink into nothing. I cannot break",Suicidal +20161,"I thought I made it out of the rough. Today my gf broke up with me. That single handedly destroyed me, and there is nothing i can do but blame myself.thank covid for makinf this possible for the first time in my entire 27 years I felt happy",Suicidal +20162,"I posted on here and a couple others but I was not sure I was going to do it until today. Life has gotten so bad No one really here.... I needed ppl so bad but no one was here today ofc ... bf flaked on me... no one answered back my text when I needed help. No one cares and I am tired of ppl pretending they care. They only care when I am ok.....my life is just ok.... I have a nice car, always have had a roof over my head, always had food, water. I have always had the necessities so you would think I would be happy. But i take it all for granted. I use to want to take my life because I was soooooo hideous.. omg ... everyone hated me... I grew up and that changed I guess I am good looking now???.... I can get anyone I want if I tried but that does not even matter because of the damage already done.... all the bullying about my appearance... parents calling me a monkey and ugly...cyber bullying, bullies at school ....so now I got my dreams to come true and I can have who I please.... all the ppl who rejected me I finally got the chance to reject them ....does not satisfy me at all tho.... no matter how rich or how handsome they are it brings no happiness .... and I am so sorry becaus I know there is ppl on here who struggle with appearance so I am not trying to be mean but looking better did not bring the happiness I thought it would. I could living the best life ever and never work again yet I am broke and struggling to hold a job..... I could go on about how much a failure I am and my poor decision choices but it does not matter. I got the rope. I learned the correct measurements for my height (53)and weight(125), and correct rope in thickness and stability. I was just sitting in my car practicing tying my rope and I put it around my neck to see if I did it right and in seconds the cops pulled up beside my car and stopped. I literally started fucking sweating ... fuck.... almost shit myself........now I am sitting here doing last minute calculations and I am done. Please wish me luck...... if I am still here I got saved sadly:( if you read this far thank you. I am sorry for venting I have 0 friends so you all became my friends tbh. take care ppl. I read the post on here and my heart goes out to many of you.....bye bye now. I am ready. (F20)",Suicidal +20163,"I just want to go. Some days feel like I am making progress but then I see something that makes me remember the kind of pain I inflected in the person I love the most in this world, and I just want to fucking die. I did not do these things on purpose, but they happened and I am not being given a second chance to make them right.My tarotist (yeah, yeah, I know) told me that I would be doing alright by January next year but I do not see it coming. I do not see my 22 years on this Earth. I had the best birthday by her side last year and knowing she will not be in this one, I want to peel off my skin, get infected by the environment and drop dead.Yesterday was the last drop, she is hanging out with her ex and some other friends of hers. Her ex does not live near so I am assuming they are staying in her house. I know the girl I love is having a hard time, due to having to hide from her family about her sexual orientation while she is already struggling with trying to become independent and getting out of her toxic household environment. it is hard for her but I wish she would seek out some comfort in me too, but in our situation it is understandable why she does not.She sent a final letter through the app we met telling that she could not be friends with me and to not look out for her, but I am weak as hell. I want to know about her life and see that she is doing well.And yeah, she also played her role into not making the relationship work out but, while I am trying to be logical about it, she is dealing with a lot right now. But I felt so bad in a given situation that, instead of helping out and making her feel at ease, I put my problems on top of hers and that cracked her up. She feels that she cannot trust me, I wished she would see the progresses I have made so far but I feel like it does not even matter anymore. The promises I made her, I could not live up to them when the moment most needed it.I was dealing with a lot of unresolved issues when I went to her hometown, and I feel like shit because I made promises with the extroverted version of myself in mind, but that 'me' had been sleeping/dead for over a year (this pandemic sucked out all my social skills, fucking hell). I could not project myself in the way I knew I had in myself some time ago, I was not ready.I am trying to do better but I want to be seen by her. I never liked the idea of living just for myself, filling myself up with projects that mean little to nothing by the time I go to bed, it is exhausting.We talked about getting married, her coming to my college graduation, moving in with each other, we even made bets in relation to our future kids together. I feel empty as fuck and I cannot take it anymore. she is so beautiful, virtues and flaws, and I was so fucking stupid of making her feel like she should change things about herself when she is already perfect in my eyes, well, perfectly imperfect really. I always set high expectations for myself (me never feeling enough and some other thing related to my family relationships) and I put those same expectations on her, without realizing that those made me feel awful as well.do not go on and tell me ""there are plenty of other fish in the sea"". I do not fucking care about being romantic with anyone else, it makes me sick to even think about it.When she talks even concrete walls fall in love with her, she is that kind of person, and I took her for granted.I do not think I am going to make it to the next year. While I am not alone and I have a better relationship with my parents and some others, they will never be enough. I am in my hometown right now, staying at my dad's. I even told my psychologist about my suicide plan like a month ago. I know they did everything in their power to help me get out of this mental state but that is it, while I do appreciate them for what they tried to do. But now I just want to die in an accident because I cannot do it on my own and maybe it is better, my family will not know that I intentionally put myself through that anyway. At least I will be a donnor and somebody else will get a chance to live a life they want.I feel so fucking stupid and angry at myself.there are a lot of other things missing here but the post is long enough already. If you made it this far, thank you, you are kind, or just bored, heck if I know.Good luck and take care of your loved ones, do not ever take them for granted, do not be like me. I want to die and stop breathing life into my body",Suicidal +20164,Does anyone want to chat? I am trying to keep the thoughts away. I am feeling very suicidal tonight,Suicidal +20165,"I just do not know why, it just become cringe. Everytime I remember it, it always make me feel like that is the most cringe thing i ever done. I sick of my brain, everyone that time said that I am not that bad and trying to improve my feeling but guess what, IT BECOME CRINGE FOR SOME REASON. I WISH I NEVER HAVE BRAIN the time that I tell my feeling to everyone is now become a cringe memory",Suicidal +20166,"I want to bring up some statistics and studies. I would like to cure my suicide thinking patterns. I am diagnosed with schizophrenia and borderline. I am female and 26. I have had an abortion and I do not work, nor do I have any friends to talk to. I cannot trust anyone in my life. Health care is not good, I am not rich and my physical health is not the best. Can we discuss suicide",Suicidal +20167,I spent 3 months without taking medication and I was freaking out here at home my mother managed to get me out of the house and take me to the psychiatrist again.. I started taking it slowly but the doctor changed the medication I feel less worse now maybe happy I hope to get well soon :3 Maybe,Suicidal +20168,[ webshealth.com,Depression +20169,"i daydream a lot (or used to, until my concentration got to bad). it is maladaptive daydreaming, probably. i can imagine myself in my own body (not the one I am stuck in) doing such wonderful, ordinary things. everything my depression robbed me of can still exist in my imagination. it used to be freeing, now it reminds me of the pains of reality. i can imagine someone with me, i can imagine their arms around me, but it does not bring me the warmth it used to. it cuts into my heart like knives, knowing i will never be loved. circumstance and my own flaws have taken away any chance at love. i can imagine my body, cured of defects, face finally recognizable as my own. but it only reminds me of what can never be. i am incurable, even if i had the money for plastic surgery, i have no photo for reference. i only exist in my mind. to everyone else i still am the body i inhabit, even though the owner died years ago. i know I am insane, it is just a matter of time until my grip on reality breaks completely. i hold on only for the people i love. if mercy exists in this world, they will all outlive me.sorry for the rambling, i know it is illegible. i have nowhere else to turn. depression has driven me insane",Suicidal +20170,"I am someone who has always been highly anxious and neurotic and at times very depressed. I consume tons of self help content but none of it really sticks.What does stick, however, is negativity. If I experience something even remotely negative, Ill read about people dealing with a much worse situation on Reddit and then worry myself sick I will end up where they are. Despite all of the good in my life I envision things going wrong. I have been negative and unpleasant around my girlfriend and am going to end up driving her away. As a grown ass man I will call my mom and complain about every single thing I am dealing with. I feel like somewhere I bought into this whole vulnerability thing too much. I overshare, tell everyone how terrible I think I am or how terrible I feel. I then wonder why no one respects me but then again why would they? If I am feeling bored or depressed Ill spend hours reading about terrible things in the news. Ill watch videos of plane crashes and other terrible things to distract myself from my inner turmoil. I know all of this negativity is bringing me down and keeping me from being successful. I had a friend essentially call me a drama Queen one time. I have no idea how I got here. Probably some crap from childhood or something, although I feel like my childhood was decent.I almost feel guilty being positive. If I tell someone my life is good or talk about good things I have experienced I feel guilty because my entire body starts trying to tell me its a lie. Its like I am not allowed to experience good things or talk about them. I wish I had not read all this crap about vulnerability and how men need to express their emotions. I heard this a long time ago and took this as a license to bitch and moan. Ironically, that is what I am doing right now. I do not want to hold things in and hide myself, but I do not think dumping all my problems on others is helping. I know the internet is not helping. Having said that... please help TL;DR cannot stop holding onto negativity I am addicted to negativity",Depression +20171,"I deserve the death, I am evil I do not deserve happy",Suicidal +20172,How can someone be so cruel I cannot do this,Suicidal +20173,"Just turned 38 a few months ago and I am alone and lost. I do not see myself lasting much longer if nothing really changes in the next year or so. I have been like this for a while and it tells me that some things may not be fixable. I wish there was something to keep me going but I do not see anything on the horizon. If I could hit the reset button and start over, maybe I could have done better but who knows.This cruel world just chewed me up and spit me out. Now I think it is time to move on. My time is running out",Suicidal +20174,"This shit always be coming in waves. One day I feel happy and I think, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me lol I was so dramatic, and boom comes the weeks of depression and being angry with everything and everyone. Being out of control with my emotions but feeling empty and numb at the same time. I cannot sleep, and then I cannot wake up. When I finally fall asleep I can stay there forever. When I am down, I do not WANT to get better. I roll my eyes at all that you need to be POSITIVE, its a mindset crap. I do not care. But when I am okay, I am advocating for that and motivated to improve my life. I think I am constantly in the middle of self improvement and self destruction. I do not want to go out anymore or see other people, and sometimes I feel all the relationships I have around me are all fake. My friends probably secretly hate me and look down on me. My boyfriend probably thinks those girls in porn are much prettier and better than me. I am the failure of the family with no good career, money, or knowledge of the world. I cannot talk stocks and policies like my brother. And I have nothing I am really good at either. I can learn but I have no motivation either. My family will think I am an idiot anyways that is how its always been. I often find myself wanting to restart. Have a clean slate, everything is brand new and I feel normal. But I do not have the resources or willpower for that. And sometimes I just wish I never existed, I wish I can disappearessentially die without the pain and consequences on others around me. After a decade now being depressed on and off, I realize that I should probably try some medication. I have been weary of trying it but probably its worth a shot? Sometimes I convince myself to forgive the people that have hurt me. I tell myself its time to move on. But the next minute I am filled with rage again and I do not know why I cannot let it go. I feel angry, sad and sorry for my younger self. Up and downs",Depression +20175,"I am writing this on break with tears in my eyes after having another meltdown at work. I have written other posts similar to this one before. I deleted those and Ill probably delete this one too. I am so sick of being treated like shit by everyone. I am not usually very talkative but I try so hard to be sociable and considerate of the people around me. I know how it feels to be excluded and looked down on and I do not want others to feel that way around me. I work my ass off for this stupid fucking store. I put every ounce of energy I have into getting things done right and on time. But if I take a breather for even a second, suddenly its the end of the world and he has to put a notice in with his boss that I am slacking off or some other blatant fucking lie.I hate my boss. I hate the way he talks, the way he walks, his stupid juvenile sense of humor, and his fake wannabe tough guy attitude. I hate it here. No matter where I go I can never get any respect from anyone. I do not know what is wrong with me. I hate the way I look and talk. I do not have any friends and I am too afraid to even try to make any because every friend I have ever had just abandoned me whenever it was most convenient for them. My life is so boring and pointless, but I am not brave enough to kill myself. I feel like I am doomed to be alone forever, living a meaningless life because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I resent my mother for marrying my dad because he was a huge loser and maybe if she had met someone else, she would have a son who was not totally fucking useless. I do not know what to do with myself. I do not want to be stuck this way forever but I do not know what I need to do to change. Sleep is the only thing I enjoy anymore. Maybe one of these days Ill take a nap and never wake up I hate my boss, I hate my job, I hate myself, I hate my life",Depression +20176,Today I rewrote my note and tomorrow I will be cleaning out my room and continue working on my plan. I rewrote my note today and will continue planning.,Suicidal +20177,"I have gotten to a point where I am fed up with the social anxiety, depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, the loneliness, the failing grades, the potential i had, the everything. I am done with dealing with a mother who only cares about herself. I am done dealing with a father who has horrible mood swings and takes it out on me. I am done dealing with the bad thoughts at night and constantly wanting to hurt myself over trivial things. i do not feel distressed about it anymore. I am just so sick of it and I am so SO SO close jesus christ damnit damnit damnit",Suicidal +20178,"I have been molested till age 7 (Idk when it started). I have been bullied throughout school. Never got good grades. No skills. No passion. Ugly. Fat. Through some miracle I got a bf, but I should have known it was too good to be true. he is sick of me and probably going to leave me soon.I waited all my life for it to be my turn, but I think it is never happening. Some people just are not going to be happy, no matter what",Suicidal +20179,"My life currently is meaningless, my family makes it clear daily that they hate me (do not say anything about that they love me or some shit, you do not know what I have to go through). I have struggled with anxiety since I was little due to my mothers erratic and abusing behaviour and for whatever reason she has not done the same with my sisters. Whenever she goes on abusive rants they both chime in. I am 21 and they are both a little bit younger than me.I met my boyfriend when we were 16 and I love him more than anything in the world and this feeling is definitely mutual. Hes made it clear to me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I feel the same. In September my friend from university committed suicide and I was completely devastated. At her funeral I watched how horribly it affected her boyfriend and I just could never put mine through that.Having said that, I cannot leave the household I am in. I have just graduated from University and I am still in desperate need for a job but my mother will go through hoops to make sure that I do not. she will scream and yell at me to destroy me as much as she can and its mentally so draining. she will make me feel terrible about not doing anything until I leave or start to clean and then she will gaslight me and tell me I still have not done anything. I end up going to be with my boyfriend but his family have their own issues and I prefer to stay away from that and so do they. This puts me in such a shitty position because I can only stay with them at certain times which means I am home for most of the day. I told her recently I wanted to get help because I want to commit suicide and she told me that it would be too embarrassing if I did either. My sisters love to chime into this sort of shit and it defeats me. My dad is rarely home and cares more about his business than us. I am emotionally defeated and I do not see a point in burdening these people with my presence anymore. I really want to kill myself but I cannot bear the thought of what my boyfriend would go through",Suicidal +20180,"Today was so much harder then I needed to be. 2 missed flight and people fucking up left and right. While in the middle of breaking down, and loosing my shit, I am made more into a bad guy. I am so over this world. I do not want to do this any more. After today I think imma be active agin.",Suicidal +20181,"so i told my mom how i had depression and she legit laughed it off, saying i was too young (13) and i do not know a thing about it and how I am just lazy and making this stuff upshe even asked me if i wanted to commit suicide to avoid studying like wtfmy dad got mad at me for saying the word ""suicide"" and ""depression"" and ""kill"". Legit, he got so mad, he threatened to skin me if i said it again (he obviously told me he would not and hugged me and all that) and he is overexercising me to help me lose weight because I am fat and that no one would marry me if I am fat and that all the kids at school would tease meand their LECTURES do not help me at ALL, it just makes me feel like crap and worthlessi feel like death would be so much better than this, even if its like ill never exist again. but then i remember that suicide is a sin in my religion and the only person who i trust, my brother, who also had depression, would be broken if i did, so now I am staying alive. plus, i feel like if i was offered a new life...and i could lose all my memories of this one...id choose that over death my parents are in freaking denial",Suicidal +20182,"I thinks its just time I see no point anymore, working at a shitty job, my gf and I split about a year ago, I am sick, no way to succeed anymore, I have nothing to my name, no reason to keep going. She moved on already, but that is not the entire reason, I just do not see myself succeeding, so what is the point. I am infertile, my ex wanted kids but I could not give that to her it made me feel less of a man, hopefully her new boyfriend can give her that. why keep going ? No reason to. I do not want to work at a shitty job just to pay to live when I do not even want to. I do not even want anyone to know. I feel alone and entrapped like the world is closing up on me I do not know what to do. Just want to take a gun to my head and leave it all, I do not want to relapse on drugs because its temporary numbness I want to be permanently numb. Everyone always asks me if I am okay and I Always try to make it seem like okay but I am not and that is okay. Soon Ill be free from this cruel world, emotions and a bad mentality really took over. do not forget to check up on your people you will never know who is going through it. I think its time",Suicidal +20183,i do not see a future that contains any joy.i keep typing and talking and go through each day as if it might get better.I have been in depressive states for years.I am in a depressive state that i would never wish on anyone.i want the pain to go away.I am tired.I am lonely.this mental pain is worse than any physical pain I have ever experienced.living life like this is not worth it. pain,Suicidal +20184,there is a lot of terrible awful people in the world a quick death now would be a far better fate than what I have seen. I am convinced the world is just full of savage animals especially in Mexico and Brazil but also United States and the Arab countries with wars. people are killing eachother brutally dismembering people torturing eachother the its awful and all for no good reason. I wish more people could see what I have seen you all are blind to the truth of the scary shit that is out there The world is so fucked up I do not want to live in it anymore,Depression +20185,"I just want this nightmare to end. Over the last few months I have thought about it a lot. And I realized I have always felt feminine and that I am mtf trans but Ill never be a real woman. I hate myself, my body. Ill never be who I truly am. I am well over 6 feet tall, large framed, masculine face, so Ill never even look like a woman. Its just one more reason to hate myself and one more reason to end it. I do not know how much longer I can live this broken life on this fucked up world. I do not want this anymore.",Suicidal +20186,"It does not solve all of my problems, but it does give me a break from time to time. Funny movies/tv shows, fast paced music, and caring for my animals have helped me with my depression. What has helped you?",Depression +20187,"I do not really know what I am supposed to do, I am legally blind going fully blind, I am too afraid to be depressed in front of people because I fear of losing my attractive qualities and my girlfriend just left me and I cannot get the memories out of my head. I am living with her and a couple friends in an apartment complex across the country from my family and my mind is stuck on keeping everything to myself because I do not want to be a guilt trip or dramatic but these thoughts have been much worse now that all I have to do is jump over the edge of the top floor and it just sounds so easy to just do it and get rid of my depression. I geniunely do not know what to do and I just want it to end. I have been having suicidal thoughts and it just keeps getting worse.",Suicidal +20188,"Some days I think I am going to get rid of everything I own that cannot fit in my car and move across the country. I am clinically depressed but so unhappy in my city, job, social circle... and I cannot find a way out, so it is like a fantasy to leave it all behind without actually killing myself. Maybe the next place will be worse, maybe not, maybe better. I have started quietly crying in my cubicle on and off at work because I am so miserable and who is this person without the guts to change her life? I have absolutely no idea who I am right now, I used to be strong and brave and look at me now... writing this online for no real reason except that I am terrified of these feelings. Are you terrified too? Pick Up and Leave or Suicide Or Both",Suicidal +20189,"there is just too many people living here. I can never get any peace and quiet. Most of the people living in my house are not even my family either, they are my stepmom's family. The only people here I am related to are my dad and my half-brother. I fucking hate my life and I wish I was a different person. I already asked my dad to set up an appointment at a therapist's office for me, but he still has not. I am so sick of this shit. I hate living at my dad's house.",Depression +20190,"When you realize there is no one there that gives a fuck that is of age. I have 2 children that I must live for. They are my sole purpose for life. If it were not for them I have a hard time finding a reason for survival. I do not write this for pity or neediness. I could give 2 fucks. I just need to vent. I am a successful woman. I do not live in poverty. However, I have lived a life of abuse and misery that I cannot escape. I am in a vicious cycle and I want out this nightmare!! No matter what I do seems to be the wrong decision. Like who put the voodoo hex on me at birth!! cannot I get just one break! I feel like I am fucking my kids up bc I am so distressed all the time. I do not want them to be like me. I hate myself. I do not want them to be like me!! No one there",Suicidal +20191,"My girlfriend of one year and 7 months died on July 6th her name is Samantha I love her so much she was 22 and I am 24 she did not deserve this at all I love her to death and I feel like apart has gone with her, anybody relate? Or can help My girl",Depression +20192,I just do not want to wake up it is toojchjdornme. I do not like to liver anymore its just not fun and I wish Id did not Do the things I did because they make. Me life worse. Nobovdssy will rememberREM me so its not okMan gpeople lkvr is inhuman I should not be forced to live. I ahoijdt not have been born into family without a fjtture. Fuck too njchh,Suicidal +20193,"Just another boring post here I guessI cannot even remember the last time I was actually happy. I feel like happiness is something only others can have, not me. I am just waiting waiting waiting for a random event to help turn my life aroundIve always had a fear of dating, I do not know why. I have always fet ugly, I lost my hair at 17 and I never truly got over it. Always felt like an outsider, an alien, past my peak at 17I met a very cute girl at work 5 years ago and we got super close and for the first time in my life I was getting attention reciprocated to me from someone I loved. Long story short she turned out to be a real ho and took everything from me, including my last shred of insanityIm in my mid 30s and oh so alone I cannot bear it. I have totaled two cars in a year, gotten several STDs from escorts, and have yet to have a real relationship or have sex with someone that was not an escort at my advanced age. I do not know what to do, I cannot bear it They said my 30s would be great. All I have is crippling depression. My life is spiraling out of control",Depression +20194,"I have always had a very hard time making friends. Because of trauma I have been very fearful of people for as long as I can remember. I have always been labeled as a very smart, pretty, ""but"" very quiet and ""innocent"" girl. Well-behaved, pious, never gets into trouble. I still have not gotten used to being called super weird and stuck-up for it. The vast majority of my social interactions/social life throughout my life have only come from the internet, ever since I got unsupervised access on my iPod touch at 9 years old. You know what that leads to, especially for a young girl. After so many dangerous and depraved people took advantage of me online, on top of the trauma I have experienced off line, something in me switched. I shaved my head, stopped wearing make up, gained 20 pounds, and wore masculine clothes. I have only realized why I did all that in retrospect.most of my very few closest 'friends' in my offline life were my bullies. It was not until I was around 16 years old and put in life threatening and extremely humiliating situations by someone who claimed to love me, PLUS having the pandemic where I was withdrawing from the drugs they gave me, did I snap out of that mindset that I have been conditioned to accept. People who love you can ""hurt"" you sometimes but my tolerance for being hurt was so extreme to the point of thinking that abuse was counted among that. I have just become an adult now. it is now my responsibility to help myself heal. I no longer can dream about the day when someone will swoop in and rescue me. I have been in therapy since I was 12 years old, been in and out of mental hospitals and tried multiple medications. I have spent most of my days laying on my bed, scrolling the internet, consuming an ungodly amount of information and seen things I never wish I did. Most of my crushes have been someone who has lived several miles away. I would get clingy, my anxiety and ocd would go through the roof, pushing them away. All my romantic relationships have been online. One that was very abusive and leaked me, to which my therapist at the time said that it was something I would get over very soon and that I should not worry about it, and chuckled. I have ended my first healthy relationship some days ago bc they ""could not handle distance anymore"". It makes me feel like a fucking loser. she will have so much friends and family to be able to heal and I do not have that shit. The fact that on the surface it does not even seem to make sense to other people as to how I could be suffering so much makes me feel even more alone. I have literally had a teacher tell me that they do not understand how I could be depressed if I am pretty and smart after I cried in class and was not turning things in on my best subject. I have had multiple educators and adults say a similar thing even after I explain I am mentally ill.""you are so articulate with so much potential. I know you are depressed but we all struggle to get out of bed sometimes. You just have to push yourself."" I will explain I am very suicidal and I will get ""but you are going to therapy and are on meds. you are so bright so if you just try a little harder you could get straight As."" Been told this by so many special education teachers and school counselors that preach so much on mental health.Maybe they have a point. I bet some of you would agree. I am not ugly, I am not dumb, I do not come from poverty, my parents' are not drug addicts and are well educated. Maybe I should just stfu. At times I wish did not have those things so then maybe my suffering could be taken more seriously.Okay, my pity party is over. ""I have so much life ahead of me"", like whatever. If I do not delete myself tonight I will feel SO so disappointed. ""But you have so much potential!""",Suicidal +20195,I do not want to go back. I am going to have to get up at 6:00 am every day and come back at 3:00 pm. Then I have to do hours of homework that I will not remember and fail all of my classes. I have no friends and I do not care. My dad's expectations are going to kill me. I hate everything School,Depression +20196,"I truly thought I had beaten my depression but then god said ""fuck you"" and I am right back where I started. I just cannot do this anymore. every time I get up I just get knocked back down. plus ADHD is not making things any easier. I can see myself deteriorating and I cannot do anything to stop it. I have just resigned myself to a life of depression. since I keep getting knocked down what is the point of getting up I am back",Suicidal +20197,"As a single, painfully lonely male, I would just like to take a moment to say a real big FUCK YOU to all the people who make fake profiles and follow me on my social media. Your feigned interest does not fool me, do not insult my intelligence. I can see your profile follows about 200 other ugly sons of bitches like me and none of them follow you back. I am not stupid, and I do not like being reminded that I am single. Just leave me the fuck alone, I am trying to get stoned in peace. Fake social media profiles",Depression +20198,"I do not know what mental disorder I have but it boils down to depression. I am so hyper emotional. I called off work today because I cannot seem to find enough time to study for school, get all of my other personal stuff done, etc....but guess what I did with my free time after I called off? I slept from 12PM to 6PM and did not leave my bed until 9PM. Only to get into an argument with my mother about how she is going to force me to get on meds again if I do not stop with the constant emotions/attitude. I am terrified of failing my program because of my state of mind. I am not even excited to graduate and I am nervous that I chose the wrong career path. I am about to quit my current job as a server becauseIm mentally and physically exhausted and will not be able to keep up with school if I confuse working. But then Ill go broke if I quit its a lose lose situation.I am also struggling with a recent breakup, recovering from using alcohol to cope, moved back home, feeling hopeless and not excited for the future. This is the lowest I have been in a long time. 23 years old and I feel like my life is down the drain. I need help but I am nervous to get back on meds. Depression keeps coming and going day to day and I cannot handle the emotional rollercoaster.",Depression +20199,"I do not like the first group and I have none of the second ""family"" and ""friends""",Suicidal +20200,And who wants to feel invalidAnd then feeling invalid might just bring me back down And the cycle will repeat I worry that getting better will make everything I feel right now invalid,Depression +20201,And I cannot find any work from home part time jobs that I can do and pay okay. So I feel worthless and useless and weak and desperate. What is the point in living if I cannot even do the bare minimum other human beings can in order to survive I am unable to work my current job due to chronic illness.,Suicidal +20202,"This has never happened to me before. I have always looked at a positive outcome to my future but all I see is death now. Trapped in a never ending cycle of emotional abuse, I am a 22 year old lady who lives with my mom, who cannot even talk to anyone. It has prevented me from getting a job. Always daydreaming and drawing like a child in my apartment. Health issues that make me want to starve at this point. I do not want to live anymore. Too emotional and confused to type anything else. I am so sorry. I am trying to think positive but its suicide.",Suicidal +20203,"I just had a good day with friends at the beach yet I am left tired, drained, annoyed, and not really happy at the end of the day. I feel like my negative self comes to ruin things like this all the time. A nice day at the beach, oh too many seagulls and flies and kids screaming. A nice walk around the park by myself, oh but I am alone and no one is walking with me making me feel self conscious. A night out at bars with a friend, but she is talking to another friend with us more and she is talking about how they hung out the other day which makes me think I am a lesser friend. Its draining and exhausting when the negatives always come first on good days like these. I just really want to enjoy life more without all these swirling naggy thoughts in my head. And of course I know that that takes motivation to retrain my brain into thinking more positively, motivation I barely have to do anything else- it takes a lot for me to do my hobbies and things I like to do. But that is a whole other thing. I am just sad over myself being sad and negative. I just want to be content and happy and I feel like that is not too much to ask. Always negative",Depression +20204,"what is the point of life anyway? We all die. Why did I even need to be here? I just go to school for another half decade, sell my life to the corporate world in a job I do not like. Then I die somehow. there is nothing left. I do not care about all the stupid small things in life anymore. it is all just padding to before I die and leave this world. I wish I could go Fuck everything",Depression +20205,"Its against my happiness, my relationships, my feelings and self worth. I am trying to make the best out of life, but my mind is against me constantly",Suicidal +20206,"I cannot believe my mind/brain has become as sick as it now is. I have been fighting and trying and now I am afraid that I am not going to make it. I am posting this here because it is not my last ditch effort. I am tired of wearing my friends down. As soon as I take what feels like a victorious 5 steps forward, I take 10 back. I have all the insight in the world as to what is going on with my brain, what thoughts I should ignore, blah blah blah (I do not say that to minimize their importance), but it really is to the point that I do not care if I die in my sleep. It feels like there is something inherently wrong with my entire profile as a person and I am only 32 and feel like I have lived for 80 years. I think my reserves are tapped and even when I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it gets eclipsed. I cannot even be scared for myself anymore. I do not even want to ask for help anymore. I would not wish this on anyone. Been asking for help...and I am losing [if not lost] hope",Depression +20207,Should I give up thinking I might succeed at something? Should I give up trying? Should I forget about trying to earn a living and let myself be on the streets to die in a ditch somewhere? Should I just let my wife and kid take care of themselves without me around to annoy them?Should I just give up on life as a whole? Should I just give up?,Depression +20208,"TWHello reddit!For context, I am a 19 year old woman. I have been struggling with a host of mental problems since early childhood, including (diagnosed) bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety, and years of various eating disorders. When I was 17 years old, I was hospitalized following an attempt to take my life. I hated my time there, and managed to get myself let out after a week. I was better, a lot better for a while after that. I was better than I would ever been; I was regularly taking my meds, I was social, I was practicing my hobbies, I worked 40 hours a week and still felt excited to take on the world. It lasted for a good 2 months, until I had a bout of mania wherein I spent all of my money, abused a hell of a lot of substances, and basically destroyed my life from the inside out. By the end of it, I felt like a she will and fell into a deep depression. I have always experienced panic attacks, normally stemming from my PTSD, if I had to guess. As a child, I was abused in several ways and am now unable to be around people who are yelling without nearly bursting into tears. I also break down when there are sudden, loud noises. For example, a coworker was washing dishes the other week and I was behind her collecting a few items to stock (I work at a coffee shop.) She dropped a metal tray into the metal sink on accident, and it made a very loud crash; I was not expecting it, and my breath just left my body. I broke down in tears, and could not stop crying until my shift ended (about 3 hours later.) This sort of thing happens fairly often, and it just seems to be happening more and more as time goes on. Sometimes during these ""tantrums"", as I call them, I injure myself. Usually by hitting myself in the head with objects until I fall to the ground in tears, holding my head from the pain. Or I break things. Or I say incredibly harsh things to my family. It makes me feel so awful and guilty after the fact; I just have no regard for anyone it seems. Aside from the tantrums, which I have given up on trying to control, I also find it impossible these days to keep any positive thoughts. I cannot even be happy for others; I feel bitter and angry when hearing of others' successes. Which leads to more guilt. I am a bitter, terrible person and I just do not know how I can fix it at this point. I have all of these emotions that I cannot control, and everyday it just gets harder and harder. This whole post has turned into a jumbled mess I am sure, but I do not have the energy right now to proof read it. I am sorry. The further I go on, the older I feel, and the less control I seem to have over my life and emotions. I just feel like I have no footing and nowhere to go, and living with this mindset, I have no idea how long I can last. I do not want to die, I just cannot see myself going much further like this. Medication and years of therapy have done nothing. I am not really sure if I am posting this for advice or just to get my thoughts out there, but thank you to anyone who reads it. And I wish you the best. <3 I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this.",Depression +20209,"The only thing i keep myself alive for is self pityful hope in therapy. I am extremely irresponsible, often skip meds and do not bring test results on time. Obviously, they are not working. My therapist and I do not have chemistry and I ever only had a slither of hope when she was confident in my first diagnosis during my first session. I have seen her numerous times and tried various medication but nothing seems to work, even when I take it responsibly but I guess i do not endure enough long. I am sabotaging my own promise. Most recently I was on olanzapine, aripiprazole and eftil. She proposed to try lithium salts but, obviously, i skipped the necessary tests because of how much of a failure I am.I have nothing else to try for. I will talk to her one last time and if nothing promising happens, that is it. I promised before ending it all to give one last pityful attempt to therapy, and its not working.",Depression +20210,"I guess looking back on it my parents are narcissistic and a big reason I am the way I am, most of my life i spent struggling with how i feel and i guess that is not changed today i still do not know who i am I feel stupid asking questions and just being a normal person because when I was younger or hell even now. My parents will try and invalidate what I say. And if were together and I say something there is always something to say back or some remark. And I have just learned to live with it. And after 2 failed relationships. And. In and outside worh friends, and just sitting by myself I just feel alone and feel I surround myself with people who do not get me or just hate me because the way I am I have adhd and I suffer from it heavily even with medication I just idk I feel alone and for the past 2 or so years I have just not felt the same I find it hard to be happy but cannot afford a therapist it is a on and on cycle that I just wish I could get out of. I want to be happy make other people happy but with current situations I find it difficult everyday to be happy Just feeling a little down",Depression +20211,Like in a painful brutal way. I am tired of people downplaying my pain and not giving a fuck about me Sometimes I want to go out in a brutal way so people would understand my pain.,Depression +20212,"Tomorrow I am going to the minute clinic to receive a physical for sports and refill a prescription. I have also been wanting to reach out to someone because I think I may have PMDD or some form of depression. But I am unsure if the minute clinic doctor is the right or wrong doctor to reach out to about it. it will be convenient for me to reach out to them since ill already be there, but I just am not sure if they deal with mental health. Any advice? Is a minute clinic doctor apt to handle my depression questions?",Depression +20213,"I have been depressed for just over a year now. When things finally got too much I went to my GP, which was about 2 weeks ago. Intiially I felt a little better, but now I do not feel any better at all. I keep returning to talk to him because he wants to assess the treatment options available to me and see my progress over the weeks. But I find that when I go and talk to him, because he already knows (and is the only other person is have ever spoken to about how I feel) there is a sense of calm that comes with it, and I also typically have rehearsed what I will say in my head so when I get there it is prepared.I feel like he cannot see what is actually going on, but even I have started to tell him that things are getting better.they are not.For some reason, people associate my ability to candidly convey thoughts as an indicator that everything it is under control.it is not.I do not know what to do about this. If I was drowning before, now I feel like I am drowning and the lifeguard is just watching. I feel like I am handicapping myself.",Depression +20214,I hate how I feel. I guess I really just need a hug.,Suicidal +20215,ugly cow fields with concrete slathered all over it only 5 people live here and they are all dicks who do not want to be my friend its so hot and dry and the sun hurts my head still no house rented yet living in and out of hotels my dog died and my cat is sick and in pain and i cannot afford her surgery my partner lives in another country and corona means i cannot see them I am seriously thinking of ending it all moved back to my conservative hick redneck hometown and i want to scream,Depression +20216,"i was doing very well for some time now. probably since early spring. no clue what set me off. i have not been enjoying my new job much, but that is not a new feeling (took the job in january). i woke up tired today. as the day went on, my ability to focus on work and maintain my motivation to get through the work day quickly deteriorated. by dinner, i had no plans of eating (managed a protein bar at lunch). this is not usual - normally i am hungry and, when depressed, i binge eat often. but my boyfriend decided to cook the meal i was meant to make us, so i did eat a healthy dinner. i then laid down in my made bed. i did not get up again. i have things to do around the house, but i cannot be bothered. they do not matter to me in the moment, but, at the same time, they do. i have anxiety about wasting time just laying here. but i cannot find a good reason to actually get up. about an hour ago, i started crying. i feel heavy and like there is low-grade electricity in my skin. i am uncomfortable. i have no idea why i feel sad.but i do know that my boyfriend otherwise ignoring me all night after dinner did not help. sure, he made the food (though he also had to eat), but then he never checked on me. he got mad that i asked him (for what was probably the millionth time in the last 6 years) not to touch my stomach when he came in to say goodnight just before he went to bed. i do not like my stomach touched and i have been explicitly clear about this to him relentlessly; he just does not care about my boundaries. because i called him out via asking him once again not to do the thing he was doing, he curtly said goodnight and left without giving me a kiss as he usually would have done. that was my punishment, i guess. he very often withholds various forms of affection and this is usual behavior for him. so, i am not surprised. and i was not surprised he never checked on me because he is also very selfish and self-centered (likely a narcissist). but i am not here to talk about him and his many problems or how these impact me. while his behavior and the way he treats me has done absolutely nothing to improve my overall mental health, i was depressed long before him and I am sure i will be long after. i was not expecting him to help today or do anything really, but brought it up because i wanted to mention still that i am nevertheless feeling disappointed that the person i care about did not give me the care that i have in the past and would have given him if our positions were reversed today. i knew he would not, but it still sucks that he did not. either way, i was already sad and do not know why. this just did not help the situation.background: depression has been a problem for most of life over the last 20 years on and off. in min my mid-30s now. its better and then its not. i can go long stretches of almost months and be completely fine; feeling cured.and then something will set me off again into a downward spiral. usually quite slowly, so i do not see it coming. but I am getting better at identifying when the symptoms are starting to onset and i can start to employ my various countermeasures. but sometimes, often really, it is tough to identify what triggers it to come back. when my depression is bad, i am insatiably hungry, tired, unfocused, unmotivated, sad (crying on and off), experience loss of interest in friends/hobbies/fun, have loss of sex drive, and i cannot sleep. this is sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks and a one-time panic attack. anxiety is new to the party in the last 2-3 years. and its not nearly as much of an issue, but its there at times. sometimes with the depression and sometimes on its own. fortunately, i am able to force myself to work so that it has never really impacted my career. but i cannot do much else when in a depressive episode. which can last for days to months (though its been awhile since its been more than a few weeks). i live with my boyfriend, whom i love despite his narcissism (he is not all bad, i swear. he just has a lot of his own problems and has no problem putting himself first and/or being selfish). hes almost 40 and we have lived together almost 6 years and it is manageable for now as i cannot afford any other option anyway. he might not be helping my depression but he is not purposely making it worse. and that is a lot better than the last several guys. my US employer-supplied health insurance does not cover therapy and i cannot afford therapy out-of-pocket (i have researched this extensively). lethargic, low-grade anxiety, sad for no reason.",Depression +20217,On a serious note though: Anybody here thought about faking your death in some way so that nobody cares for you anymore and you move to another country with a fake name and a fake passport?Basically just start a new life from your existing one?Is it even possible in this age to do that? Faking your death and moving to another country,Suicidal +20218,"I feel really stuck. It just feels like there are just so many things going on even though nothing's actually going on. Currently I am a high schooler, and I live with my extremely homophobic parents (who I have yet not come out to) and they are the main sources of my suicidal thoughts. My mother is also abusive and hits or berates me whenever I do something even slightly wrong, which causes a lot of anxiety for me when I mess something up. But even without their influence, I can only manage to think about how much I am failing and lagging behind everybody else and that I am worthless. And when I try to take one small step at a time trying to finish anything, I get easily distracted and end up not finishing even after hours have gone by. I have not been sleeping or eating at all. Suicide feels like the only option left, but I want to hold on for those around me who love me, but I do not know how long i can last feeling this low. I am stuck.",Suicidal +20219,"I am broke. I am out of gas. I am out of meds. I just ate a can of beans for dinner. Last night it was peanut butter straight from the jar. I have got some rice left. that is pretty much what I will be eating until payday. Even if I had food in the pantry, I am not sure I would care enough to make it. Even the thought of boiling rice is enough to make me think that actually being hungry for the next couple days is ok. &#x200B;I am not taking care of myself. I am struggling right now. Everything feels really heavy. I am not at rock bottom, but this place sure feels familiar. Dunno if it is ever going to stop. There are some bright spots, but they are few and far between. I hate this. I am neck-deep in my depressive episode",Depression +20220,"I mean this in so many different ways. I just feel like I do not contribute much to this world I live in. I do not find myself very interesting anymore. I used to be, I feel like but I think I was just younger and a bit too distracted to notice that all I was doing was copying the people around me. I just sometimes do not know who I really am. I do not have hobbies really and I do not have any talents. I do not even know how to listen to fucken music because I get so overwhelmed with how much music there is! I have lost so many friends because of my mental health and I cannot help but think its because I am not that same fun person I once was. I dropped out of college and I do not see the point in going back because it does not make much of difference money wise or happiness wise. The only reason I would think of ever going back to school would be for the validation but then I remember that nothing matters. But my point is I do not feel like I really add anything to anyone around me. If one were to compare themselves to their siblings I would be losing cuz I dropped out and live at home and now just work a minimum wage job. The thing is I can sort of deal with not having many friends like I once had but I wish I could have a partner but I do not think anyone finds me interesting enough. And it does not help that I am not the most attractive person out there. My future just seems disappointing and lonely. I do not think I would kill myself anytime soon because I know it would hurt a lot of people but if my future keeps looking the same I might have to reevaluate. My city has a popular suicide bridge so I think about it a lot. I was driving on it the other day and I pictured how I would come during the middle of the night and reach the highest point and jump. Despite the spikes that were placed there to prevent people from jumping. But alas for now its just an idea.. I just want to feel like I contribute",Suicidal +20221,Hey to anyone one reading this you probably think I am crazy.I know right now it seems impossible I have been there I have felt that.we have to keep strong for each other when you cannot walk I will be your legs.You are strong and you can do this scream cry do what you have to do but get back up we are in this together we are not quitting its hard but its gets easier.You are worth it and would have missed if you took your life I love you keep strong if anyone reading this needs to talk I am here. Life is hard but worth it,Suicidal +20222,"I have been going to therapy, medications, all the self help stuff I could think of. College is looking to be too expensive so now I have to say goodbye to my partner of one year and my dream college all in one, I do not get more than 6 hours of sleep due to anxiety. I hate waking up everyday, I started self harm again an at this point, there is nothing I can do to stop my life becoming shit, I cannot wait any longer I have waited long enough for this shit show to get better. I cannot do this anymore. I have tried and sometimes, you just fail. This is it",Suicidal +20223,"To clarify, I am not in imminent danger of killing myself; I do not want my mother to bury me which has been my sole deterrent. But I was/am in the midst of another bad episode and I just started writing last night. This is going to sound bizarre but it was almost cathartic explaining why I feel the way I do. I have picked up my phone and put it down so many times over the last few days (years) but there is no one around me that I feel I can ask for help, so here I am. Sorry, I am not at my most articulate. I wrote a suicide note.",Suicidal +20224,Failing my classes. My credit score is shit. And I am stuck in my job. I was functioning but now all my anxiety is getting the better of me Slipping into the abyss,Depression +20225,"I just realized I did not thought of it today at all. I always were a lonely person because of my father's job. I never tried so hard to keep friends because I would always lose touch and that hurts. I cannot believe in any religious bullshit, so besides my family I always felt empty. The lack of challenges in my childhood did not help either. I always were the gifted child that can do it all. I realized that I was bored of doing anything in my life for the first time when I realized I could choose any path and I would have success without trying harder. So I decided to do something that would requiring a physical test because I were fat at the time. I got ripped and nailed the test. So I decided to abandon that path and I went to a engineering course because it was a child dream. In college I met the best think that ever happened to me. My ex girlfriend. Nothing in my life had given such joy. I tried to avoid her for almost a year because I knew my broken mind would lead to one us with a broken heart. I could not resist. We dated from to 2016 until March this year. I wish he had started it later with me with a better mind. The truth is that I failed with her, I have never shown the affection that she needed. She needs someone that is able to take care of her. I will always blame myself for not standing up for her in a stupid fight with some former friends. I tried to keep the status quo because I thought it would bring her peace. If I had taken a sec to think about it I would have realized that it that the status quo were gone. I failed when she needed me the most, like always. Eventually, her love for me fadded away. I tried o be by her side when all our friends turned away. That was not enough, in a dream vacation with her in February last year I discovered that she was cheating on me. My life shattered. I had been with other girls before her, but like everything in my life nothing that were so special. So since that day I have been surfing in the idea of killing myself. Sometimes it went higher and I almost did it. For months I could not even confront her because that was so off character that I tried to convince myself that could not be real. Eventually I talked to her. We tried for some months, but I think she did not love me anymore and I was to broken to do anything healthy. I had way to many panic attacks since then. Eventually I read in a secret diary of hers that she started cheating on me again. I did nothing. At this point I only blame myself. The guilty is a burden that never leaves. And then I read that she was trying to break up but could not do it. So I did it for her. I almost killed myself multiple times after that. I reached old friends because I was completely lost. It went out as good idea. 2 of them have been really good friends and very supportive. One bringing me out of my house and making me do something fun to distract me. The other one had 2 friends that committed suicide before, so she ended up been very thoughtful and comprehensive. Then my ex reached me with her problems out of nowhere. At first I was happy because I always enjoyed been useful to her. The problem is that I care too much about her problems and seen her like that made me go in a crazy spiral. I exploded when she lied to me. She is a terrible at this. Lies were always a trigger to me. I do not even know why she would need to lie. You do not to need to pretend that you already had maked out with some random stranger, we are not strangers anymore. And the she snap out at me because I had contact with here nemesis from the fight I mentioned before. I did not need you to do that, I was already guilty. The truth is I would have been with Hitler, Stalin and Satan in that state of mind just to feel company. Then I decided to visit my parentes and one of the friends that I mentioned before (they live in the same city). Seen my parents together restored my faith that something like that is possible. I do not know how because I feel sometimes that I am too broke for a relationship. Seen that friend made me feel comfortable, like someone outside my family cares about me. That made my bad feelings about my ex dissipate. And I decided to talk to her. I offered something that she always wanted. I do care about her. But I need to know that she is 100% on board. Given her that would bring me peace and all the guilty that I have will go.This history did not end yet. Of course I am doing therapy. I am still trying to find a purpose in the emptiness of the universe. But today I do not feel like I have to commit suicide. At least for today I was able to let some of the ghosts that haunts me go. Sorry for the grammar or anything. English is not my first language and I am writing this out of a lot of emotion. First day I did not have suicidal thoughts since February of last year",Depression +20226,"So, today my doctor increased my medication, also prescribed me clonazepam, I am optimistic but at the same time I feel like crap for not being able to get better, I mean, I wish i was better but its obvious I am not and I feel like I let myself down for having to take more medicine, Its difficult not to feel like everything is my falt Mixed feelings",Depression +20227,"He was not only my dad, he was my best friend. We had our fair share of fights but never to an extent where we never talk to each other afterwards. We always offer each other ice cream or tea or something else as an apology.I feel like I am shattered to pieces right now. I do not know if I can live any longer. He was the reason I chose to live every single minute of my life despite my crappy mental health. No one loved me as much as he did, and now he is gone. :( My father died yesterday and now everything's worse",Depression +20228,"told my mom i did not want to be alive anymore, i do not have the energy to be able to survive on my own. she said I am not just going to let you die, what would you do if one of your cats was wasting away? would you let it die? I feel like such a waste of time and worry and resources, like a black hole sucking the life out of everyone around me. why are they keeping me alive? i contribute nothing feel like I am being kept alive like an animal in a zoo",Depression +20229,Been planning something for a while but this is the final nail in the coffin. She believes I talked shit about her when in reality I spoke extremely highly of her. I loved her. The first person I have felt a connection with. Thinking about an overdose as I have easy access to prescription drugs. My life has been meaningless for a while now. Just found out my friends told an ex of mine that I talked trash about her and that is why we broke up. Ill never find love again.,Suicidal +20230,"All day I feel soooo empty and all I do is fake hapiness, until the night when I am aloneEvery night I breakdown alone in my bed, no one knows how bad my mental state isIts like i do not have any emotion anymore, only sadness I feel empty",Suicidal +20231,"I do not know what to do anymore... about three months ago my ex broke up with me. I know he was the person I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. I had undiagnosed BPD and it caused me to lash out a few times (my ex also did some things that made my anxieties worse but the reactions were all out of proportion on my end). Since the breakup I have tried everything to get my life on track. I started seeing a therapist, and am on medication, and trying my best to work on my destructive habits. Since the break up I still talk to my ex often. The first few weeks I was a mess and I just begged for him back. I had a suicide scare about 4-5 weeks after the break up because I did not think I could handle it any more, and that really rubbed him the wrong way. I know that our relationship would be so much better, especially as I continue my therapy. At first when we broke up he said there would be no way for us to ever be together. Now he says that there is a small chance because who knows what the future holds but it is very unlikely. We still talk and see each other because he agreed that that is the only way for him to see my growth which may make him change his mind. But the more time that goes on, the more I feel like it does not matter what I do, he will never give me a chance again. I would give anything to go back and do it over with what I have learned about myself now. I know I cannot. But I can never accept losing him because he was the best thing that happened in my life, and he was the person I was supposed to be with. Now with him gone, there does not seem to be a point to anything. My life is absolutely over. I cannot live without him but it does not seem like he will ever give me another chance. Every day is filled with misery, like I am being stabbed repeatedly. I do not feel like I have any other options any more but to find a way out. I do not have any friends, not any that care about me anyways. Everyone else has their own wonderful lives and I am the only one stuck in this misery. Suicide is never fun, and it is not anything I take lightly. I would never even think about it except for the fact that I know there is no other option for me. My life will never be OK because I cannot live without my ex, and he will never give me a chance. So I am only faced with the option of living everyday in pain and misery, or ending it and finally being at peace. I am terrified of dying but it feels better than living for another 40+ years only to die anyways plus experience this pain and misery every day. Cannot live without my ex",Suicidal +20232,"Hi all, I am 18 years old and right now I am desperately looking for a person to chat with or just distract me from very negative thinking. I am honestly truly scared because these thoughts have never felt so real. If anyone knows how to deal with an abusive mother and toxic family I would love to hear your advice. Or if anyone has any cute cat pics id love to see them. Things are not going too well in my life but I do not want to end it aand yet my brain is telling me too. please help me. please just send something encouraging idrk I am desperate and scared. help this is my only option",Suicidal +20233,"I want someone to kill me quickly, whether it be intentional or not, maybe shoot me in the back of the head, or someone to run me over with a truck, or someone decides to push me in front of a high speed train.Mental health issues make it extremely difficult for me to enjoy life, especially paranoid intrusive thoughts. Tried therapy and it helps temporarily but then it just comes back shortly after and it becomes even worse. I do not drink or take drugs and I eat healthily and exercise, yet nothing helps. Only reason I am still around is because I do not want to hurt my friends and family. I hope someone kills me",Suicidal +20234,I am so tired and want to leave but my love for them makes me sad to go How do you leave someone or something you love so much?,Depression +20235,"I want to tell my boyfriend I have been feeling passively suicidal. I am so scared he will freak out though and like call the cops or make me go to the hospital. I do not have a plan to kill myself, I just think about dying a lot. What do I do. please help me I feel so alone and like no one understands I need Advice.",Suicidal +20236,I posted something asking about this on another sub but no one responded. (I think it was too long.) Does anyone have any advice for going back to therapy/finding a new therapist? I struggle with depression and multiple other things but have not had luck with therapy in the past. I need to get help soon because its getting pretty bad. My longer post is still up for more background info if that helps. Is there anything that is helpful to know/makes the process of starting w/ a new dr. easier? Therapy has not worked in the past,Depression +20237,"Like for real, I do not even have anything to rant about, this shit is real weak. I just wish I had the balls to do it like wtf, this shit is bullshit.We cannot off ourselves because of the fight or flight instinct that kicks in or what not, and we naturally try to keep living right before we dieDafuq kind of bullshit is that? This is not even supposed to be a sad post, like seriously, lemme get the alcohol and call it a day wtf are my instincts doings dude, piss off.(Hope you all are having a good day tho) Man this shit sucks",Suicidal +20238,"I am not insecure I just type in micro penis in the sex sub or others and its just men facing rejection/disappointment , becoming swingers, cucks ( not trying to kink shame) or enjoying humiliation because of something that was out of their control. I faced suicidal thoughts about this at some point but I do not care about it anymore and people will say I am overreacting but I seen and read about this I would master other things in the such as oral,fingering, dirty talk but then you hear comments like at least he made myself useful with oral you just die inside I do not know if I want to be alone by myself or not. Maybe I was a evil person in my past life and have to deal with this burden and I cannot even speak up about it because of the stigma and everyone will see as less than as a person or man because of the standards they set man to be. I already know this might be ban or block I just needed a place to vent instead of sdpI also know sex is not the end all be all but still. It affects me that guys including myself are/ will be trashed by for a piece of flesh and blood. I do not know if I want to have sex anymore if I am just going to face rejection/disappointment or humiliation",Suicidal +20239,"For the last 3-5 years I have been pretty much constantly sad. Only sometimes I get super motivated and happy for a week and think everything is good now. But then it always hits me again. I stopped enjoying life even further back but only in the last few years felt really suicidal. I am scared to go to a psychologist because I feel like an edgy 16 year old thinking he has depression. But I do not know what to do since I get more and more suicidal pretty much every day. I cannot do anything because I am always tired and in my head. I never leave the house except for school and I have gotten so lonely that I talk to myself way more than to other people. Everything just feels weird and I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot even cry anymore even when I am extremely sad and I feel absolutely worthless. I also have a really hard time speaking to people, so that is why I do not just tell my friends or family about it. I also sometimes hurt myself by for example scratching my arms or legs bloody by basically ramming my fingernail into my arm/hand. What is wrong with me? I literally cannot stand living anymore and I cannot see the beauty in this world anymore. What should I do? Do I have depression?",Depression +20240,"Really, what is the point of life? I keep being in a rollercoaster of sadness, joy, anger and i just keep hurting the people around me. I really just want to vanish, disappear from everyone is life and not be a burden anymore. Why is ceasing our own life so bad? Its my decision, for MY life to end the way i want it too. Its not selfish, I am just tired of suffering every single day. what is the point?",Suicidal +20241,"For most people, it seems like life is just mostly tiring, stressful and what applies to all of us is how pointless it is. Even before I was depressed there really was not all that much worth living for. And I was born into a middle class family with a great upbringing. I could not imagine how terrible it must be for those less fortunate than myself, which is the majority of the population.I feel like those who are happier and focus on the positives have to delude themselves into this mindset and pretend that all of the shit going on in their lives does not exist. Its kind of like nostalgia. When you are an adult, you reminisce on your childhood and remember how great and awesome school was. But that certainly was not what we were thinking at the time. Most of us hated school because it was boring, monotonous and forced us into behaving a certain way.And they say that your school days are the best days of your life... that is just terrifying. I am 19 and have not done anything since I left school. When I was 11 I knew this would happen. I cannot take care of myself or interact with people properly, so I knew Id be screwed once I was left to take on the world myself. My non-existent motivation, self-esteem and social skills are making the future look bleak for me. I do not want to become a wage slave in a depraved society that makes you wear a fake smile and pressures you into being like everyone else. And I cannot even be myself if I wanted to because I do not have a personality. Like is this really it? Working and working and more working until I die now? I hate this world, I hate humans and how greedy and destructive we are. I do not want to contribute in this. I want to leave. Do the moments of happiness really make life worth living?",Depression +20242,"I think I belong here now. My brother killed himself. I was angry and upset. I realize now that he was right. He was smarter than me. Why go through the divorce? the alienation from your kids? putting on weight? getting uglier? getting older? Working to make money to pay people you do not like and ti but shit you do not want? I mean fuck all of this. Did it hurt people, yeah. But people heal. Your life can remain hell for the rest of your life. Mine just keeps getting worse. I started on r/suicidebereavement",Suicidal +20243,cannot believe I have finally made my mind up. This is sobering cannot wait,Suicidal +20244,I am continually exhausted from my own suicidal thoughts.every. single. day.every. single. moment.i want the pain to go away. exhausted and tired,Suicidal +20245,"Everybody I have ever met acts like I do not exist. I really do not want to be here anymore. I give myself a few months to actvhappy separate from those who Pretend they care and then probably hang myself. Everybody forgets about me, there is nothing in this world that keeps a person by my side I do not matter",Suicidal +20246,"the hell with hotlines putting you on hold when you are desperately trying to find a will to live. ill reach out here instead. i cannot do this anymore. i tried. every single time i feel like this i try. but my life keeps getting worse and worse every time and i just want to freaking end it all. i cannot continue any longeri have no hope anymore of anything in my life getting better and I am losing my valueIm useless, worthless and i cannot be strong anymoreim on edge and cannot hold myself back any longer i want to end it all",Suicidal +20247,I turn 25 in 2 weeks. I wish I could say I lived a good life. It was not a good life. I am not a good person. Id give anything to start over but I cannot. I am just a privileged brat who thinks I have a sob story. I think it is time for me to stop wasting oxygen. I was so fucking stupid to think this feeling would never come back. I think this is it.,Suicidal +20248,at this point what is the reason to live. I cannot make anyone happy in my life not even myself. this feeling has been lingering with me since I was in highschool 14M now 19M. I just do not know what to do with myself. it just feels like I am just living for other people so... what is the point in staying here just suffering. I do not want to be here anymore. I just feel like I fail everyone I meet. The Point,Depression +20249,"I guess they tell you to reach out and I am so done with the hotline so here it goes. what is the point of all of this? All the pain and hurt and suffering? I do not know what to do with myself anymore, I have been like this for as long as I can remember. Oh, I get little crumbs of happiness, but that was all fake, I am just bipolar. My brain is just this nightmare, and I cannot get out of it. I was never supposed to be here, my parents really fucked up with their only child. Thing is, everyone things I am successful on paper but everything is just wrong. I am just wrong. I really really do not belong here. And I always knew. I wish I would just disappear. Please help me. Why does not it go away?",Suicidal +20250,"I could have had between $50,000 - $250,000 if I was not so goddamn stupid. Instead I ended up chasing that money and lost half of my life savings. I have nothing else in my life and that money was going to allow me to move out of my parents home, return to college and further my career, and actually gain some self-confidence for once I am my life. Instead all of that is gone and I am stuck working my dead end job. I do not think I have the strength to continue going on all alone in this world being such a loser. I cannot spend years of my life working toward where I already could have been if I was not such a fucking idiot. I want to get a gun, get wasted, and shoot myself in the head as I jump off a cliff to my death.",Suicidal +20251,What is the point ?I am a 33 year old female who gets laughed off because her problems are not seriously enough. I have borderline personality disorder and as much I habe fought it has take over every aspect of my life. I basically quit/got fired form my job when I chose to show my overdose. One of who I thought was my friends completely hates me because I threatened to hurt a guy who lead me on at work and lead to my bosses finding out that I have a problem living life. I would have been described to be given everything. My dad did so much to even come to North America and my mom did the same . All I needed to do was live up to their ideals and I could not even do that. Instead of being the nurse like everyone else I knew I was different and I was such a burden to my parents. I did end up becoming that nurse but all it caused was piano because i never did well and always had a panic attack or a freak outburst at work.m I have always thought of myself as a loser the only thing that has changed was the title. The only real suicidal plan I had was taking a bunch of lorazepam but that was caught . Truly I want to die and I do t know why society forces you to live What is the point,Suicidal +20252,I finally want to admit that my depression rules over every aspect of my life. I feel like a zombie almost every hour of my life. I am a disabled veteran that does not feel like the V.A. provides quality or consistent mental health care. Any advice on free or reduced mental health care in Hampton Roads Virginia? I am a Depressed Veteran,Depression +20253,"I do not know where else to post this but i need to get this out as it is causing my depression to get worse...my children from a previous marriage are 17 and 20...they have always lived with me and their bio dad has not had much to do with them over the years. My sons 18th birthday is on the 31st. He will be joining the Marines shortly after that. I had planned to take my kids on vacation as last celebration for my sons birthday and future military career. They wanted to go to Ocean City Maryland. So i made all arrangements and informed my ex(per our child custody i have to til my son is 18). Then i lost my income and fell into a really bad situation and had to cancel the trip..i found out today that my ex took his wife and HER kids on vacation....to Ocean City!!!!! I feel horrible and worthless!! I had to disappoint my kids and now it worse because THEIR dad goes on vacation and does not even invite them?!?!? He knows our son will be leaving soon and this is the ONE place he wanted to go and he cannot because i messed up and lost my income and his dad does not care?!?!?! I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere...i hate seeing that disappointed look on their faces...i know its not me they are disappointed with but i hate myself none the less...i have always been the one to take care of them and do the ""fun' things with them...the last several weeks i have felt like a failure and a disappointment....i just hate that one thing my son wanted i could not give him...his dad could and did not I let my kids down and i hate myself for it",Depression +20254,I want help but I do not want to freak out anyone. At same time I just someone to tell me its going to be okay. Dark. Suicidal thoughts have been on my mind so hard Worst depressive episode - really want relief. How to tell friends and family,Depression +20255,"i still slash my wrists, but I have been punching myself a lot recently, mostly in my head. its when I am suicidal or anxious. i feel crazy after i do it. is it normal to self harm via punching myself?",Suicidal +20256,I cannot get a girl and I are not able to find a reason and it driving me crazy. I am 20 year old I am not ugly nor I have problem socialising so why the fuck nobody want me?? Why??? I cannot anymore plz help me,Depression +20257,"My mother says that I just do it for seeking attention. I have lost 50 pounds in less than 4 months. I pushed away everyone in my life so I can have die without the remorse of the people I leave behind. I just wish somebody would take me serious when I say this... Everybody laughs or tell me to shut up because they do not want to hear my suffering. Tomorrow I have therapy. And that is going to be the last. I do not want to get better, I want to stop hurting. I want to die, and my family do not care.",Suicidal +20258,Does anyone know where I can get a lethal injection? I lost my spark for life.,Suicidal +20259,"I got a job midway through covid, saved up some money, and began investing. One of the stocks I took a major chance on, put 6k into it, and saw it fly to 50k in January. I am sure you know which stock I am referring to. I was sitting at my computer when I saw the ability to buy removed, but I was an idiot and did not sell, instead watched it go back down to 6k instead. Then I sold, thinking there was no way that company could go back up. But low and behold it did a few weeks later. Then, a few weeks ago I invested in another stock. This time I was up 8k, did not sell, and instead ended up I losing 11k - half the money I had in the bank. If I was smart and sold for 50k, I could have taken that and put 10k back in once it dropped, making another 50k - 100k. I also hand a hunch that certain movie theater stock would skyrocket eventually, and I could have put 10k into that. Even if both of those crashed I still would have had 30k plus the money I earned from my job. Realistically, I could be sitting on well over 200k+ from the whole debacle. Instead I am sitting here having lost 11k of my own money chasing that 50k. it is eaten me alive ever since that day and totally ruined my psyche. I am ruined and as if I needed any more reasons to absolutely hate myself. I am so stupid. I do not think I will ever forgive myself for being such an idiot.",Depression +20260,"As the title says, I worked so hard , starting in 2013 when I graduated high school to get to a place where I can work and live on my own. Obviously , there has been many, many set backs and life in general was incredibly unfair and complex to / for me. I worked so hard, so, so hard. I will hopefully be at the end of my journey in two years. I will be living on my own with a job I enjoy. If I have not found an SO by then, I will work on that while working on myself. &#x200B;But, will I get to enjoy that future? Climate change, politics, the instability of the world right now, makes me fear I will not be able to. I live in a first world country, I have soo much to be thankful for. Good food, family, good uni. I do what I can to enjoy life, but a lot of my life is still taken up by hard work and anxiety things will not work out. My self confidence was destroyed long ago. I am working on restoring it but yeahh, I am afraid the world will go to shit and it will feel like the hard work I put in will not be worth it. I would not have wasted those years per se, they had good moments, but I sure went through a lot to get there.&#x200B;Any comfort or truth speaking would be much appreciated. After everything I went through, after all of my hard work, with how / where the world is going, I fear I may not get to enjoy it.",Depression +20261,"life has no meaning anymore only bad meanings. we all going to die eventually anyway I am just enhancing the process. i will be much happier dead, hopefully there is not an afterlife so i do not have to do this shit again going to do it",Suicidal +20262,"For those who have been there, is it possible for you to communicate through text what being suicidal feels like? I am sure this is incredibly difficult to relive and if this is to ridiculous of a request I will delete this post immediately. But I had a colleague commit suicide and he wrote a very clear and concise letter on Facebook that made me feel like this was his only option. He had tried everything from books to professionals, he made it seem like that this option was best for him? In his letter he almost had me convinced that in this course of action he would finally be at peace. Like the title says, help me understand. Help me understand.",Suicidal +20263,"Hey everyone. Long story short, I used to be really social and outgoing. I was the person who made everyone laugh. I had a lot of friends, but now I have no interest in putting in any effort to maintain friendships anymore. I still care about my friends, but I just do not have the mental or physical energy to keep it going anymore. For the first time in my life I do not care if I have friends or not. Anyone else feel like this? What happened?",Depression +20264,"No matter what I do or attempt to do I am always back to feeling sad all the time. No amount of motivation or talk is helping me cope with this pathetic life I live. I procrastinate everything, I do not stand up for myself, I hate my job, I am worthless, I am meaningless there is no point to my life. Living onward is just as painful as wanting to die I JUST cannot ANYMORE",Depression +20265,"I do not know how I am feeling. Everytime I have not so pleasant thoughts, I feel like I am lying to myself? I do not know. I cannot afford a check up or anything of sorts right now and I am not even sure if I want to know. it is been like this for a few years now where I just do not feel right... Feels a bit empty but when I say that out loud to myself, I feel like I am just lying to myself or to others. Sorry for how all over the place this little rant thingy is. I have never really put this into words before. I do not know",Depression +20266,"That is all. If I just do not wake up, I did not kill myself. I just died. I could use the extra hours of sleep anyway. I hope I do not wake up in the morning",Suicidal +20267,I want to be gone. I do not want to be here. I wish no one knew me or had any attachment to me because I just want to be gone without them hurting. I am honestly hanging on by a thread I wish nobody knew me,Depression +20268,"What I am typing seems odd since I am sharing this on an online forum but still I just need help figuring this out.I sincerely cannot wrap my head around people, I do not know how to word this properly but I just get the sense I am the only human on this rock. I just cannot make myself understand or care for others, I feel happy certainly around maybe three people but even then it is the same happiness I feel with a pet. Even then for me I do not have a problem with people dying, I understand life is precious and should not be wasted. But to the same degree as water or food should not be wasted, once it is gone no point in crying.I try to understand how social interaction works and yet it seems impossible, one thing I observed and mimic seems correct at times but wrong for others even in the same situation. I do not get why people feel or sense the things they do. I admit I have never been one for feeling, I see people as one sees a tool or item. It has a purpose and a use, some for pleasure and enjoyment and others to get what I need. And yet I am told this is wrong and it makes no sense. I do not exactly feel much, just analyze and try to figure out solutions. Constant waiting and silence, studying and working to solve how I am supposed to talk or have others' perceive me. Just mimicking what I think will help, never my own thoughts but what will please and give me a higher reward.As much as I hate people and those around me, I feel so lonely. A terrible emptiness at the idea that those around me wear faces like my own but are not similar to me. That I am the only soul. it is not that I am better but not the same? I am not saying I think of myself as an animal like a cat or dog but just alone. As hard as I try to connect and figure out why I think of people as objects and how to find humanity in humans. I cannot. I have had thoughts of just stopping with this game, to quit entirely. That the world and those who are forced to suffer my existence would be happier without me. Like I am some machine that cannot be fixed, so why keep me around? Yet, the greatest fear is not that it is the end or the pain created; rather, that it does not stop. I have talked to my ""friends"" and yet I feel like it is just copy and pasted garbage, it is to be expected and as supportive as it is in sound, voice, and wording. it is empty and a farce to the fact they hate me. That everyone hates me and I am the one who is not human. Am I Evil?",Depression +20269,"I do not want to die, but I fantasize constantly of being shot or getting in a car accident. Part of it is morbid curiosity, but another is hope that being in that state gets rid of all expectations of me. I do not want to die, but I am so tired. I am tired of trying only to disappoint people. I feel like I can charm my way into an opportunity, but once I get it, its only a matter of time before people get fed up with me and my mediocre work. It leaves bosses wondering what happened to that energetic smiling guy from the interview. I do not know where he went either.I do not want to live my life this way. I want to know what I want, which I guess is what everyone else is shooting for too. I envy people who are hospital ridden after an injury",Depression +20270,"cannot I just go? I just want to go away forever and never come back, just so that I do not need to think about things anymore. I want to go see my father again.But I am a coward that does not even have the strength to talk to people about this, I do not know but I have the fear that they will start laughing or something like that, I am stupid.I have the fear of dying but I still want to do it, which is strange.I just need to go away from the world.I do not have motivation to do nothing, to even get out of bed every day. Why cannot we just exit this game that is living?",Suicidal +20271,"Can anyone relate? I am lonely so I am trying to make friends but it is so hard when no one else is looking for friends so they do not really care about you, it just makes the loneliness worse, it hurts so much Trying to make friends just makes loneliness worse",Depression +20272,"I have been living for other people for a long time now and I am starting to not care about the mess Ill leave behind when I finally commit, I just want to stop feeling and thinking like this, I have a way out Losing reason",Suicidal +20273,"despite years of therapy and having tried different kinds of medication, its only become worse. i do not know how long i can keep doing this. i lie awake at night going over my options and i always reach the same conclusion: i should just kill myself how do you cope with the fact that you likely will be depressed for the rest of your life",Depression +20274,I have been doing this a lot lately and I am just wondering for other peoples takes Is disassociating yourself from your problems a good idea,Depression +20275,"not much else I can say. I am genuinely so close to ending my life, I do not even know what it is like to have a friend. Life as an average man is depressing in of itself, not living just a very lonely existence.",Depression +20276,Tired of everything. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Just so tired,Depression +20277,"Self centred, selfish, rude and money hungry. Never trying to understand the others persons struggles because its easier to judge. Nobody cares man. Over people",Depression +20278,"I am so fed up with my life. I am a nihilistic, bitter, shallow, ugly inside and out individual, virgin at 23, still living with his mom and stepdad. I was raised by a narcissistic, sociopath father who had magnetically attractive looks like the likes of Johnny Depp or George Clooney. He selectively chose my mom because of her unique beauty and basically abused her and manipulated her for two decades. My dad was a comic, he never took anything seriously and would put on a show for everyone, but behind closed doors he was a twisted freak. After I was born I quickly developed a skull deformity that could have been prevented, called plagiocephaly, and my uniquely good looks quickly grew into an asymmetric, ugly caricature of how I should have. My dad treated me special and said I was better than everyone else when I was really young in elementary school, and this was reinforced by some girls who gave me attention, but this was before my skull grew more and I went through puberty. As I became more shutin as I grew because of my insecurity, my dad began to really crank up his drinking and eventually got into hard drugs before my mom essentially 'escaped' him and left me and my brother for years to care for him. He eventually died, I had to find him myself, and it still hurts me to this day, as bad of a man as he was. I moved in with my mom around 16 and have been a recluse ever since, aside from working. I have become more lonely and depressed. I am weird and ugly looking as well when I should have been handsome enough to cruise through life. My mindset is so terrible but it goes to show how stunted my brain is. The way my life is unfolding is tragic in a very weird way.",Depression +20279,shotgun to headbetter off deadlying in bedbetter off deadsurviving is scaryliving is worsedo not resuscitate leave inside hearseshotgun to headbetter off dead shotgun to the head,Suicidal +20280,"Right now I feel passively suicidal. I do not feel like trying to kill myself, but I strongly hope I do not wake up the next day. I wish I was dead, but I do not have any plans in mind. I absolutely hate myself. I hate my life. I hate that I cannot see myself getting any better. I fucking hate it all. I have been on abilify for a month",Depression +20281,"I have a therapist appointment on Wednesday. I am planning on telling her that my anti depressants have never worked for me. To be honest, I doubt new meds would do me any good. But I guess it is worth trying.I will tell her I am suicidal, but not about my plan. I really do not want to be put in a mental hospital. I doubt I will change my mind about killing myself, but I will try to hold on just a little bit longer. Possibly reconsidering my suicide plan?",Suicidal +20282,"I just feel I need this. I am probably not coming back here again after this post, but I just want to rant about things and have people that have a proper idea of what I am on about in some manner or other.I am fed up. I am so fed up that I am actually fed up of being fed up. I am even more fed up of the forced positivity. I know that everyone thinks I will get better, but no matter how much you say it, I cannot see it and it just comes across as morbidly humorous. I am only doing the mental health stuff because I have got nothing better to do, I do not really expect it to go anywhere or do anything, especially since every other time it is not, and never because *I* did something wrong, it is always been something or someone else that fucked it up.I cannot even go on antidepressants, rather than fixing my mood they just dam everything up behind a mental wall. it is still there causing issues, I just have no way to process it until it finally breaks through and I am lost to fucking everything for about a week.On top of that, I am just ceaselessly *sad*. Nothing seems to bring it on, I just have some stray thought and suddenly I am in tears. I have cried so much that even though I am not feeling better I literally cannot cry any more because I have just emotionally exhausted myself.On top of that on top of that, I have given up fending off the thoughts. I do not have the mental overhead for it. For a long time I was able to at least *know* that people liked me, and that I was not useless, and that I would be missed, even if I did not really believe it deep down, but I cannot do that any more, I literally cannot. Which leads to another problem, which is that I cannot trust my own thoughts. I cannot tell if what I am thinking is accurate or not. I can tell you that 1+1=2, but anything requiring even the slightest bit of subjectivity is completely lost on me. I could not tell you how many people consider me my friend, and I could not tell you how many people I consider friends, because anything I come up with is prone to changing based on my increasingly violent moodswings, and I know my brain's throwing out bullshit at me but I cannot separate the bullshit from the truth.I also attempted suicide less than a week ago. For some reason the most upsetting bit about that was not the fact that I tried it, or that it failed, or whatever, but the fact that Facebook decided to just swallow my suicide note for some reason. it is almost amusing how much more that bothered me than the rest of it. I am not sure if it is the fact that I apparently cannot do such a simple thing, or if it is just that my brain's struggling to conceptualise the whole ""kill yourself"" thing so it is latched onto that instead. It makes me feel even more dysfunctional than I already do that upsetting my mum (And I assume brother, but we do not really talk about that kind of thing) has less of an impact on me than Facebook swallowing the fucking thing.And yet for some bizarre reason, that I assume is some grim determination to keep things staying the same, I am still going to the climbing wall, I am still doing guitar lessons, I still get up and brush my teeth and shower, I am still booking my eye tests and following advice I am given. I really cannot puzzle it out, and it makes me feel like I am a fraud or something, and I am not *actually* that bad, I am just somehow doing it all for attention even though the evidence is in front of my face that I am horrendously depressed what with me literally having made an active attempt on my own life.If I am honest, without improvement I cannot see myself seeing the end of the year. I cannot decide if that is better than the current situation or not. A long rant at... everything. (CW: Some suicide talk)",Depression +20283,I studied psychology in undergrad. Been trying for 2 and a half years to get into grad school. 4 rejections because I am dumb as fuck and have no utility in the real world. I have been working as a case manager for the past 2 years being an underpaid personal assistant for the chronically mental ill along with Uber driver. I have a case load of 28 I am expected each week to ensure the client is able to navigate/ his or her diagnosis.. Fuck I have lost hope In mental health all together next time you meet with your therapist recollect that all he or she does is reflect your thoughts and affirm your shitty decisions that lead you in to this place all together.. have you met any one in mental health field that is actually happy because its been 2 years and I have not met a soul who is not a fucking coward or in it for milking the insurance. Or who actually fucking cares about science. Where does that me. A person who lies in the diagnosis of being depressed but does not believe a word they say because its all subjective SJW BULLSHIT..What if I want to identify myself as a depressed man who drinks 8beers a day and smokes weed until my thoughts are so far gone that I would not even recall them when I am sober. What if that makes me fucking happy. You feel great satisfaction the feeling that beer gives you Yep I sure do. Idk this a rant from the most raw feeling that can express. I just want to make a difference and help people. But I cannot even help myself. What kind of adumb fuck wastes 4 years of his life to study a topic that pays so little and exposes you to daily traumas and countless victims of the universe.Fucking victims everywhere get over yourselves your going to fucking identify as depressed and anxiety ridden even though you did not have to storm the beaches of Normandy or die huddled in a gas chamber because of your religion or face persecution in any other way except for your ego to get bruised a bit because you are to fucking stupid to come up with a rational argument to yourself of why you are not fucking worthless. Act like your fucking with something because its not going to matter to anyone else but yourself. You suffer because you desire. You desire to feel something different than what you feel daily. Maybe the only thing to do is bear the suffering and bear the burden for other people. I am going to do the best I can believe that is the only thing I can do. This was no filter typing. I believe in you all just do me a favor and do not claim to be a Victim own your shit.Much love Fuck it,Depression +20284,I do not know why I am here I feel like I am not doing anything of substance. I cannot even do anything for myself. My fear and anxiety hold me back from living my life. My depression feeds the cycle. I cannot control my thoughts Please god I just want to die,Depression +20285,"Recently I have been opening up about how I felt on different places and many people have told me I could possibly have depression/dysthymia and that it would be great for me to go to therapy.But I hesitate. I feel very hopeless. I do not know if therapy could actually help me. How is it like? Are therapists really able to understand?I would be very interested in your experiences with therapy while dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts in particular. In all honesty, has therapy helped you in any way with depression/dysthymia and/or suicidal thoughts?",Suicidal +20286,"I have been digging myself into a hole for like 10 years. Now I either have to battle my way out, through 10 years worth of shit on me, while getting older and it getting harder, or I can just go. Like, cmon. Which option is the more reasonable one? This is absolutely futile",Depression +20287,"My med dr has tried everything and I am in therapy every week. I am so depressed. I am unable to function and my boss is putting me on medical leave because I just cannot do my work. Health insurance does not cover the treatment my dr wanted and if it was not for the cost I would probably admit myself to some kind of psych ward while on medical leave. I just do not know what to do with these restrictions. I wish the answer was as simple as a brain scan, see what is wrong, fix the problem. I just have that deep pain of dread in my chest and it has been a long time. I do not know what else to do",Depression +20288,"god i wish id just do it now every day, every hour & every second, I am getting closer and closer to whenever i man up and end it",Suicidal +20289,"There are a lot of people who have talent to make music, animate, and lots of them are popular. I cannot even draw a circle without hating myself and not draw anything else on a week, or play an easy, 1 finger song without failing on the attempt. There are a lot of people who have the money to buy the things they want. There are a lot of trans men who are 100% cis passing and are not shy to correct people.There are people who can go to psychologists every week.I am so jealous of people. It makes me just want to die, I fucking despise being so jealous of others, and I have to wait until summer ends (and repeat a high-school year) just so I can talk to the school psychologist that will tell me to stop being shy and will tell my parents to go to a psychologist, while they ignore the message. Fuck life, why did my parents had to bring me to this world? Why did not I die of cancer when I was a kid???? I am so jealous of other people.",Suicidal +20290,Or am i just even more fucked than i think i already am. Is it just me or is insomnia another Symptom of Depression?,Depression +20291,"How do I confess to someone that I want to kill myself? How do I tell my support system that I just want to eat a bullet. I do not care about myself anymore, I hate myself, I feel so broken like I am never going to recover. I told my brother I am fine, Ill get through things like I always do but I am so tired of fighting, I am so tired of existing in this life. I just want someone to rip my heart out. I feel so empty but in so much pain as well How to confess",Suicidal +20292,"I am a straight cis male, but I am sexually submissive. I do not feel as though my sexual interests make me not a real man or anything, but they make me extremely frustrated because I know that sexually dominant women are more or less non-existent. If you search femdom or Dominatrix on /r/AskWomen, you will be meet with how women feel about female domination; the overwhelming majority of them say they would have to immediately break up with a male partner who was into Femdom. The only context in which this exists is with a professional Dominatrix, and even most of them when interviewed admit they do not get aroused by their work at all.Women sometimes flirt with me at bars and are confused when I show no interest in them, but really I am just trying to protect them from forming a connection with me, only to find that I am sexually submissive. I am a decently attractive guy and extroverted with a healthy social life, but I am terrified of women because I know they will be terrified and turned off by my sexual interests",Depression +20293,I moved into my parents house from uni a few days ago. I do not have money otherwise I would have stayed at uni. Its only been 5 days and I do not think I can go on anymore. I knew it would be hard but its worse than I expected. I cannot stop crying at night and I burst into tears randomly during the day. I start my summer job tomorrow and I am also nervous about that because I cannot sleep. I have to stay here till the beginning of September. I feel suicidal and I am scared I might actually kill myself. Its not that I want to die. I just want this situation to go away so bad and death seems like the only other option rn. I told my mum yesterday I do not want to be here in tears and she started calling me ungrateful. she is very religious so she thinks any suicidal thoughts are from the devil. So I left the house and walked around just crying until my mum called and told me to come back. My sister does not like me and she keeps asking why I was born. I think I need antidepressants. My GP gave me CBT videos to look at but they have not helped at all. I know this post is all over the place I really do not know what to do. I just need some reassurance everything will be ok. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I cannot stop crying,Depression +20294,"I feel I am not giving it enough time. I feel my prayers have been answered. I moved out of my abusers house. It was bliss for 2 weeks but there was lapses of desires to hurt myself or worse. Today is one f those days. I keep praying, I am not religious but its the only time I can let myself cry, and it feels my prayers do get answered. But why have I not been given anybody else to help me through my sorrows? Does the universe truly want me to brave this myself? I do not know how to begin even. I meditate and journal, every single day, and it does not matter when nobody knows what to even tell me.I feel so horribly alone. I have so many people that love to come to me for help but I feel absolutely terrified to ask for help back even if they could. I cannot feel like I can open up like that, I do not want to trauma dump, especially how when I tell people my stories they get so disgusted and cannot handle it. I do not even know dude. I do not feel like I should still be suicidal. Everything is perfect as is, I feel I am praying for too much, and I cannot just take what I have been given and shut up. I do not feel like help is coming soon, trying to find it valid to be suicidal still",Suicidal +20295,"Its kind of a bad feeling Idk, i might just be that annoying of a person bro but i do not think so, apart from my family and like 2-3 friends and some rare exceptions, I am the only one to reach out to everybody, they never Invite me to a party to hang out or nothing, if we talk its only because of me and I am kind of tired of it, I am very much an extrovert and everything so Idk what is wrong with me. Anyway life goes on just suck it in. Why am i the only one reaching out?",Depression +20296,I am tired of this I am fucking sick of tired of everything i feel so fucking lonely like I am in limbo no one ever wants to talk to me no one ever tries to do anything i feel secondary to my friends like some burden while they all kiss the ass of someone I thought of as a brother since i was 2 then they just flipped started lying to me ignoring me purposely going out there way to dislike my interests because some fucking cunt who i also thought was my friend started bullying me they did anything he said till our friendship fell apart at the end i was still the who apologised and said sorry even afyer how they fuckin treated me then they had they told me they never even saw me as a real friend fuck fuck during that i tried to kill myself because i was going through so much and i still fucking apologised i do not even know if i had depression or just something normal because I am autistic i do not understand why why Fuck fuck,Depression +20297,"If I am being honest, I feel like everyone in the world these days has been at least somewhat ""blackpilled"" to the horrors of reality and the physical chasm of hell we live in. But there are many who simply do not have the faculties to give a fuck about it, or do not have the sort of intellectual capacity to understand it, and therefore it does not affect them. Because of their ignorance or ""stupidity"" they are free, free to operate and live in their stupidity and are impervious to the horrors of real life because they are just not fully there. I wish I could be that way. Awareness and consciousness is really a curse. When I see degenerate pieces of shit wreaking havoc on the world by any means to gain pleasure, I almost envy them because I know they will live out their lives getting closer to a hedonistic happiness than any actual rational person will. Being nice and having morals in this world will get you nowhere...you have to step all over others and compromise your integrity just to make it in this life. The only people that are truly happy are those who are both evil with power and do not give a fuck that they are, do not know that they are, or are too stupid to see the difference. If you have empathy...you are fucked. Emotions feel like a disease and life is a cruel joke. Ignorance is bliss.",Suicidal +20298,"I try to stay supportive when others here are having a bad day. But when it comes to myself, I have no hope or optimism. 50 percent of the time, I think I can jump off a cliff without flinching. Today is obviously one of those days. My life: I ve no happiness. Just sorrow and toil. And declining health. The thing about being dead is that there is no pain, sadness or remorse. Sounds inviting. I just do not know how long I can keep going. If you read this and have or had these feelings , please let me know that I am not alone. Thanks. Insidious",Suicidal +20299,"AITA for Dealing with an Ex girlfriend the way I did?This whole thing happened in 2017 to 2018, but seems to have only showed its true problems for me now. I (18M) had started dating an old friend from 3rd grade (17F). It was long distance which did not bother me much at the time, it sucked not being able to see each other like most young relationships were, but it was something I grew up around being that my mom was in the military and got deployed a lot.( I also am planning on going into the military here in about a week) So the thought did not bother me much. We would talk on the phone and be up into the early hours of having to go to school and things were fine for a while. Then she started acting strange, at first I did not pay it any mind. But right before I am set to leave and go and spend Thanksgiving with her and her Fathers side of the family.(Big thing of trust with my mom because Her father and my mom hated each other due to time in military together) Her best friend tells me everything that has been going on behind my back, She had cheated on my multiple times, with multiple different guys and girls. One was 4 days after her birthday and then the rest were the day before, the day of, and the day after my own birthday, when I found out all of this information I was sick and honestly made me so upset and confused with emotions. I confronted her about everything and we had a huge fight but because of how much I truly loved this girl I decided that I was going to give her a second chance, and believed her as she said that she would change, I ended up going out and spending time out there with her and her family, it was honestly a overall great time. When I left it was kind of a sad moment, but everything stayed fine for a while, and then the worst part came and hit me like a bus. She said she sent some guy some photos she was meaning to send to me and genuinely seemed upset about it and apologized for it. I forgave her but looking back at it now I wish I had just ended things with her after I found out everything that I did with her. She later finds out that her best friend was the one who had told me about everything, and also forgot to mention that she would tell her best friend who had helped her with cheating on my 90% of the time that we were in an open relationship when I found this out I was furious, and called her and screamed at her over it. Well then asked her for all her logins for everything and she gave them all except one the most damning of them all. I hated going through her messages but it was at the time something that felt like it was needed. When I asked why she did not give me the login for the last piece of social media she then lied to me again saying nothing was on it. Oh but the worse was yet to come, I pushed her on giving me the login for it and eventually she cracked and let me have it and I was specifically looking for one person on there and she had deleted her messages and unadded him. Well the best part is I go in and find out through her messages with her at the time best friend. And start scrolling down and found everything I needed and screenshot everything, all the messages of her cheating and with who she was and all the dates that had been times stamped with the logs. At this point I am utterly destroyed especially because around this time its coming to my prom and I had already bought my suit and her plane ticket out. And she had already bought her dress, so I hid that I had everything I needed all the evidence I needed in case she tried to spin things on me.Fast forward to about a week before she comes in for prom. I have no feelings for her period or at least none like I had before. She completely killed that side of me. So I set forth a plane and executed it almost perfectly. She flies in and I bring her back to my house and things were the best in her eyes. Like nothing was wrong, I guess I have a skill for that because almost the whole time I had some of my darkest times people never knew except my best friend. Well after taking her to prom( worst mistake I have made she absolutely ruined it for me) I take her home and a few days later I go to take her to the airport to leave. Once I do and she gets on the plane and cannot talk to me. I blocked her on everything. And go no contact. I then send everything I had from her and her cheating to her friends and family.(really sent this home because I wanted them to know exactly what kind of person their daughter and friend was) she had cheated on me with a ton of different guys and girls. But the worst part was 3 of the guys were friends boyfriends. And the most disgusting was her cousin that she cheated on my with. After I went no contact I found out from her sister that she tried to kill herself and was not successful. And I I simply told her its not my problem anymore. Years later now in present day I seem to still have some bad feelings. About how that ended and come to find out from her dad on Facebook that she ended up turning out okay for a while after the breakup but ended up taking her own life. And I was one of the few people she left a letter for and I told her dad, I am sorry you lost your daughter and I truly was but I did not care nor want the letter. He got upset with me and blew up on me. It still haunts me, am I the asshole, and I responsible for someone taking her own life? (Sorry for how long this is but I felt like I be needed to give almost the whole story I only left out a few red flags that I should have saw sooner but did not change the outcome) Any advice would be helpful thank you for taking the time to read this. Am I in the Wrong?",Suicidal +20300,I want to die but I am too much of a pussy to kill myself but i hate living so much i fuck everything up i do in life have unhealthy coping mechanisms and push people away involuntarily i do not know what to do but drown my pain in drugs and alcohol and cut I fuck everything up and just feel so worthless,Suicidal +20301,"Tired and lonely.I have become monotone, a dead sunflower now where I was once a beautiful florishing one. I used to look at the sun and smile everyday; now I only stare at the ground as I collapse closer to it due to my own weakness.I wish someone would look after me right now.Hug me, snuggle me.Tell me they are there for me......But there is only silence, even from the one who I would give anything for thier presence right now.Even after all the signs that I am unstable, entirely depressed, suicidal. In the end you can only laugh, it is saddening, it is painful. The end is near",Suicidal +20302,"I think I have finally had enough. I am not worth it anymore. I am just a crazy, time consuming person. I cannot handle this life anymore. I am really sorry but I am done. I have seizures and I take up time and resources. I am not worth it. I am not worth kindness or friendship. I am worthy of belonging in hell. I cannot do anything correctly. My own father does not even want me. I am mean and terrible to people. I push them all away and most of the time they leave me. It shows me how unworthy I am. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I want to not exist anymore. I just want quiet. I think I have had enough",Suicidal +20303,"The thought of it makes me want to drive down to the gun store, buy a shotgun, and blow my brains out with it. there is nothing left for me on this planet. I am worthless trash. Is there any point in continuing to live if you turn 20 and are still a virgin?",Suicidal +20304,"I have multiple issues with live, i do not want to live anymore but I also do not want to kill myself, i just want it all to end.I have issues with my private life and some with the public. On the public site is the political landscape of my country fucked up, corrupt politician (they got millions for helping Chinese companies sell corona-masks) and one that lost half a billion (? German numbers work different) of taxpayer money get reelected whilst one that could make it better is harshly criticized for declaring ~30.000 to late.The world is on the bring of a climate catastrophe and nobody (with power at least) seems to care.There is a genocidal dictatorship with millions in camps and nobody bats an eye, because their forced labor helps one (if not the) most important companies of my country.Our military is in ruinsOur schools are in ruinsOur healthcare system exploits it workers so much, we have to import new ones.The younger generations are generally just ignored.Pore people are traped in social welfare, because they would have less if they would work full time on the minimum wage.The extreme right is on the rise.Populism is on the rise.The politician in charge care more about the ~20.000 coal workers whilst reducing the workforce in solar by 80.000 (maybe because the ruling party gets money from the coal lobby, but who knows).And much moreMy personal problems include being beaten by my parents and bullied in school as a child, having problems with my studies and my gf left me.I do not have much joy in anything besides videogames anymore, i used to love cooking but now my buddy seems to dislike eating. I cannot get sleep at night, because my brain keeps on feeding me negative thoughts.I do not feel like I have a place in this world, nor do I want to experience the rest of it.I know some people have it worse then me, but that thought does not help me. I then just think I could understand if they would not want to live anymore too. I do not want to live anymore",Suicidal +20305,"I have ate slept and breathed this man for 2 years and 3 days. I have given him every ounce of me I could give him.I have tried to make his life better, tried to love him through his dark days and amplify his bright days.My stepdad and his wife drove 8 hours to visit with us today, they were a couple hours later than expected and as a result it threw off our schedule.He is so upset with me he lost it. How he cannot stand being around other people how he does not want to go out to eat with anyone, does not want them here (he is never met her and only met him 2 or 3 times so it is not like there is bad blood, he just does not like being around people). I have zero friends, zero other family, it is he and I 364 days a year.He told me we were not compatible and I needed to pack my things and leave because I made plans to go out to eat.Everything in my life is going wrong, this is just the cherry on top I guess...I am laying in bed with a gun to my side and trying to decide whether to do it here or load up and find someplace I can see the sunset one last time...That man was my reason to live. 2 years.. 2 years and he is done with me.",Suicidal +20306,"i know ill kill myself within the next school year. i could barely handle 8th grade since i was hurting my self everyday to cope. 9th grade was pandemic year, i was able to avoid a lot of my problems with online but it took a huge toll on me regardless. i will not make it as a sophomore. I am suffering already, i know school will push me to my breaking point this year. I am scared, I am tired, and I have tried as hard as i could but it feels like I am getting no where.anyway thanks for reading stranger. i cannot go back to school",Suicidal +20307,Please I really need help I cannot do this anymore I am so overwhelmed I really need someone to talk to,Suicidal +20308,"Was in a fire. I already had depression, now I have ptsd. Everyone thinks it is like a broken arm, it heals and that is it. it is not. There are things I will have trouble doing the rest of my life. I just wish my family would fuck off, I just want to be left alone. Just go to sleep and never wake up. Wish I had not been spared",Suicidal +20309,"I am 19M, almost 20. I have never dated anyone, never had my first kiss, and avoided all of the main high school social events such as prom and parties because I thought I was physically inferior to everyone else. It is worth noting that I have attempted to date, but have been rejected and hurt every single time I have tried. I still do and it has put me into a horrible depressive state emotionally. I do not have many friends and when I see all the people at work who do and who have many people who they talk to on Snapchat and stuff, it makes me hate myself and my life even more. I do not understand how they get all those people to talk to on Snapchat and where they get the confidence to even ask for someone is Snapchat unless they are like best friends or family. Asking for someone is Snapchat or Instagram may be something super simple for everything else but for me, it requires days, sometimes weeks of planning and going over every single scenario where I could casually ask someone for it without it being random and weird. I find myself, my face especially, utterly repulsive and ugly. For instance, for my employment I am a manager and I work with high schoolers. The girls there like to take pictures of us (the managers) for some reason. I ask them why and they say because it is ""funny."" My work environment is really relaxed and we like to have fun while at work. So this is why this is acceptable to every other manager. But I tell them that I do not want my picture taken, and they keep trying to do it. I do not tell them why, but my I tell them not to because I feel really ugly and I just hate the way I look and I believe that they do too. I am in therapy but it is not working and I feel like my mind cannot be changed. I want it to be changed but it feels like I cannot and that I will feel like this forever. I have no idea what to do or where to turn from here. Thanks for your advice in advance. How do I get out of this self degrading mindset?",Depression +20310,Locked myself in my room to avoid hurting others Having a violent breakdown,Suicidal +20311,"I am supposed to already be in airplane mode, but I had to get this last thought out there. Its been so hard. If this plane crashes and I go down with it, Ill be relieved to be gone",Suicidal +20312,"Hi, my best friend started taking Zoloft for her anxiety and depression two days ago. she is had really bad side effects from them like, her anxiety being way worse than normal and the other regular side effects from it.I have read a lot about Zoloft because of her and I am going to continue to do research. Anyways, is there any ways I can help support her in this time and make her feel a little better? I know I am obviously not going to cure her I just want to help her the most I can. The things she says breaks my heart and really worries me and I suffer from depression and anxiety as well so understand how she feels. I do not want anything bad to happen to her and I am so worried right now. Thank you in advance How do I help my best friend??",Depression +20313,Anybody else have this special trick where they can ruin a relationship in ten seconds flat just by trying to share their feeling? Its my superpower and I am a pro at it How quick they can go,Depression +20314,"I am working on a 120' tower later this week. Think I am about to have an ""accident."" I hate my boss and coworkers, so as an added bonus, they get to witness the aftermath. I hope my guts spill out and or I shit myself. I hope the image is burned into their fucking skulls and haunts them until they die too. I have a plan",Suicidal +20315,I am a druggie and fuckin 12 I cannot hold on much longer,Suicidal +20316,Want to lay in bed all day. Everything feels pointless do not even feel like trying,Depression +20317,"I am in crisis.When I go into crisis my mind screams for me to kill myself. In my chest and stomach and heart radiatiating out in all directions is pain, and the pain screams for me to kill myself.Why does my body want me to kill myself? The voice that comes from within my skull is nothing more than a speaker issuing words, there is zero emotion in my head, zero feeling, the only thing I feel is a screaming voice out of my torso telling me to kill myself.Why am I like this, why am I this way, why cannot I feel some other way I want to kill myself more badly that I have ever felt a want, a need, ever before in my life.",Suicidal +20318,"I do not know how posts on this subreddit are normally structured, so apologies in advance if I am doing anything wrong here. I just started dating this girl that I have known for awhile, albeit not super well. We hung out at prom back on the second to last Friday in April, but over this previous weekend she told me some stuff that only a few others know. Apparently, she has a very painful memory from back when she was 3. And apparently, that memory is truly traumatic. She cut her hair even though she hated it, she cut her wrists horizontally to feel physical pain to try to block out her emotional pain. She apparently decided that at the end of April, she was going to commit suicide. Thankfully she did not because her friend needed to talk to her and she missed the deadline of 11:59 April 30th. she is been going to therapy since then. However, she says it is not helping. She still tries to cut herself but since she moved to her grandparents' house and their knives are dull, she has to resort to other methods like scratching herself or using rubberbands or starving herself. She never told anyone what the trauma was, only that she tried to kill herself. She says she does not plan on telling anyone, and that she wants to keep it bottled up and hidden forever, and that she does not want to feel anything anymore. She refuses to tell her therapist about it, and when i asked her last night for the detail of ""did someone do something to you"" she said yes and had to scratch her wrist with her fingernails to find an escape. I do not want to keep causing her pain like that, but I am terrified that she may try to commit suicide again, and that this time no one will happen to need her help. She is adamant about not talking about the memory, but seems to be willing to answer minor questions i have, but when she answers them she has to hurt herself to get through it. So... could someone give me an idea of how to help her? How Do I Help My Girlfriend",Depression +20319,"No this is not me starting at pity party at charming3977 you do not know what I been through so do not judge me. I am just fed up with life , I wish I can die if I could but unfortunately the universe keeps on stopping me from doing that. Its like I am doing hardest and my best to be alpha male and still nothing works out from me I do what I got to do make calls grind work and still nothing goes right in my life. I hate chasing everybody I need to get in contact with and they too lazy to respond. This world is fake and phony. Only god loves me. Why nothing goes my way",Suicidal +20320,"When am I going to actually end up doing it. I am trapped in this hamster wheel they call life, running and running trying to reach something and the same shit keeps happening over and over.I wish it was as easy as stepping or even falling out of the wheel but its not. Its really not...and even with suicide I have to wait for the tools to be delivered.I wish I could just end it right this instance. I am actually tired...I do not care anymore I am just tired and want to feel even 5 minutes of relief from this hell, even if that 5 minutes is right before I die. Anything...I will take anything at this point.I hate living. Eating, sleeping, showering, moving...i hate being alive. Always coming back here...",Suicidal +20321,"I am posting on here to simply try and teach a lesson , I have given up completely I have had so much help form so many different people unfortunately nothing helped and this morning was the last , I want to let you guys know even tho I gave up and going to do something Ill regret for the rest of my life does not mean you need to you all are strong I have read so many post on here and honestly you guys are really strong a lot of people love you even the comments prove it .Please do not ever in you are life think that ending it all is the way because you get hooked and end up like I will fight this take this as a reward knowing when you get out of this you overcome a battle that not just made you stronger but made you better to you guys are all beautiful and special I am really sorry and love each and every one of you . You are beautiful",Depression +20322,"Thinking of it since 3 years now. Need to wrap this up. Humanity is filled with selfish morons who place their beliefs before their reasons. The fact religions are still a thing is one of the many things that shows of lost we are. With global warming and all this shit humanity is dead in less than 50 years.I, personally, have no reason to live. I have no friends since more than a year because I blocked them, because they turned to be just as dumb as the others. I have no motivation to do anything. I am bored studying (19,M). have not drawn in more than a year altho I am studying in an art class (not exactly but you get the idea and I do not have the translation).I do not even know why I post here because you guys are just humans too. And are just like everyone else I hate. I do not search any ""do not do it blabla"" bullshit. Decision has been taken since more than 3 years (haha and ""friends"" did not take it seriously kakskz). I am in France so no fire arms. And I am a pussy.So here is my question : what is the quickest way/easiest way to die? I do not give a fuck if that implies annoying anyone in the process. Quickest way",Suicidal +20323,If you need to talk let me know Just remember that people do care,Depression +20324,To bust your ass to make green paper to buy food with it which you got to buy again.Is it really worth it?For me its not. And i know I am going to get the you have to find something to live for comments. Is it worth it to live at all?,Suicidal +20325,Why cannot you expect anything from anyone? Even though you had an agreement. Or so you thought. Is no human interaction worth it anymore? They all lead to me feeling shit. Is it just me who is shit? Why do expectations always lead to disappointments?,Depression +20326,"the number of times I have borderline cried this past week is wayy too much.I have dealt with more stressful conditions alone and not many people to talk to. feeling guilty about doing even something remotely pleasurable / recreational. i have an exam in 2 months, been running every morning, eating okay and forcing myself in all ways I can to ""pretend"" to be normal. And yet, this was the worst week I had(mental health wise) whereas productivity wise the best i guess. I do not want to fuck up and have a reason to be miserable. Even thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. I do not have a reason / cannot pinpoint the because but I do not want to create one.",Depression +20327,"So yes, I have severe depression. I am in therapy which has proven utterly useless. She talks about BS like learning to love myself, forgiving myself for my past, learning to be happy alone, going out and finding passions, blah, blah, fucking blah. I barely have the desire to get up in the morning, how am I supposed to muster the energy for this shit? Honestly, I am so far from the place of self-care, I want to do everything possible to destroy the life I have left. I do not care about anything. My job?could care less. Friends and family?.do not bring enough joy to offset the misery and let us face it, they just do not understand. Hell, maybe I just throw caution to the wind and live the slut life, take little joys in small moments that I am sure will make me feel worse later. But honestly, how much worse could I possibly feel? I lost everything important to me. My life is meaningless and I just do not care. Road to self destruction",Depression +20328,"I hate it when a person finally has the courage to open up about how their feeling and someone will say ""remember someone always has it worse than you"", making them feel that their issues are invalid so they burry it back in the dark corner of their brain instead of talking about it. The first person I opened up about cutting used the ""famous"" phrase. It made me feel like an annoying complainer. So I continued cutting, and it was not until almost a year later I regained the confidence to talk to someone else who helped me greatly. So if you use the phrase, even though your intentions are to do good. Please stop. The phrase ""someone always has it worse than you"" annoys me so much.",Depression +20329,"I have read many posts and have wanted to make one but never got the motivation to do so. Today is my birthday a day I hate to celebrate as my life has always been not worth celebrating. I am 52. This year in February I had planned to take my own life with insulin/sub zero temps and alcohol. I had made plans for 3-4 years and researched an infallible processes that did not involve a firearm. I had placed conditions to achieve before I can move forward with said plan. 1) First was for my 104 Year old Gma to pass. She watched as both of her kids die and bury them. She died last year after I was forced to put her in a nursing home due to failing health and many bad falls. 2) Pay off my house and have money in the bank. I achieved both. 3) Encourage my wife to loose some weight and get healthily to find a new guy if she so wanted. 4) get my three sons through post high school education and started on their lives. 5) Get 100% service connection for my gulf war illnesses that makes my every day life hell. 6) All the while, to keep it all a secret. All tasks were completed until my son died.I feel Justified in my analysis that my life is not worth continuing as I have failed in many aspects of my life among many successes I have achieved. From the age of 7-8 or so I was bullied due to moving around a lot. Age 11 is when I began to fantasize about my death by jumping in front of the tires of a full grain truck. I even picked fights with upper high school kids who had bullied me while in 6th grade hoping they would kill me. did not and do not make friends easily if I did they was close until they betrayed me. Now as an adult I tend to have 75% of the people I work with hate/dislike me 10% ignore me and 15% value me and appreciate my ability's as a technician. I am a hard driving person who takes the initiative to get stuff done and focus on the highest achievable result. Unfortunately many times people are made to look bad in contrast to my results so they become spiteful. They then begin a campaign to discredit sabotage or inhibit my efforts to be successful. I tend to be resourceful and clever so I usually spitefully get in the hardest licks by using the system or strait out vengeance.I constantly contemplate my success and failure to evaluate how to be more successful socially and feel that since growing up I never got to have real true friends I lost out on learning those skills is my excuse. Now I can give a crap. Accept me or fuck off kind of deal,now. I look at myself as a broken car I have too many things broken I need to go to the Junk yard. I am also a Farm kid and I have put down many animals that were in bad shape I am no different. I get angry with people who try to convince me I am a human and that I do not work that way or I should not commit suicide. Its my life, run yours. The people who drink too much eat too much or use tobacco never get condemned they are committing slow suicide but that appears to be OK in our society.After the Death of my 24 year old son I told my wife about how I felt about my life and was planning to end it. We talked and she simply said that she was ashamed she never saw it and was ""Afraid to be left alone since I was a little girl."" That was enough for me to remove my suicide plans off the table in the form of a promise. Two weeks after I burred my son the - 20 F weather I wanted was here. But I promised my wife I would not take my own life. I am angry as hell about that I deleted friends from FB called people and told them to fuck off as they failed me deleted a gaming clan I ran for 20+ years. I burned everyone that was close to me so I can suffer even deeper I guess. My son suffered from Schizophrenia due to an ATV accident 7 years ago. COVID, his escalating condition, recent death of a close friend his 2 Gma's and great GMA and other factors made him feel like he had no choice but to take his own life with a gun this January. I am relieved he is no longer suffering from episodes. I am however still suffering and since I failed him I am embracing my daily neuropathic pain, chronic migraines and 20 + other autoimmune conditions and the harassment I get at work. Each day I drive to work hoping I get in an fatal accident to escape this world. I feel my situation is for relief not to make a statement or punish anyone or get attention. This world is hell. Death is my version of heaven.I do not know what to expect from this group. I hope I am not griefed but also not looking for resolving my feelings. I have no outlet for the death of my son, no one helps with my harassment and have no friends. My wife cannot talk about my son with me so am trapped with no way to progress to a new stage in my life as I never expected to be alive. I get counseling at the VA but they are not helpful.If you made it this far thanks for reading. If you have a suggestion or solution please post it. A promise prevents my Suicide makes me Angry because my son committed suicide this January.",Suicidal +20330,"I graduated high school this year. I got a cool firefighting job set up and I got into my dream college! Well, so far my work rarely contacts me, they have sent me out on one fire. they have been sending others out. My boss never tells me what is going on, I have to get everything through the grapevine. I got the tuition price back from my college and I do not think Ill be able to afford it, so I might be stuck at home for another year.My best friend keeps ignoring me. She only wants to hangout if I am the last resort. she is also been super rude. Everyone in my family works so I am home alone a lot. Especially since my mom is also a firefighter and going out of town from them for days. I am so lonely and I do not think I want to live anymore. Everything was supposed to get better but this shit sucks. This was supposed to be a good summer",Suicidal +20331,"Hi! it is currently 1 am when I begin writing this I am a 15 years old french dude who has been learning french for three years (and still sucks at it ) so apologies to all the potential readers out there.You are probably thinking ""15 ? He is just a kid who lost a Fortnite game he cannot be serious!"" , If you are thinking that way, forget my age, although I am quite darn young i feel more mature than most of my ""friends"" (probably sounding like an awful white kid who think that he is mature cuz he listen xxtentacion and ""rlly understand the lyrics you know"" , and maybe that what I am after all ! But....) I can explain my ""advance"" in maturity:Since age 2 I have been speedrunning life, I have been diagnosed with mucoviscidosis and a bunch of genes disorders (and no it is not cuz my parents are siblings)All these awesome disease shortened my life to (around) 30 miserable years (at least I know that I will not have to become an old man)Fuck no I cannot write that shit , sorry to have wasted your time and ruined your brain with my shitty syntax I have so many things to say but just... No as much time as I would want *Overly dramatic and climatic* Bye....Notes to Alexia (small not so goth gf) and my mother who will come across this eventually:Je suis sincrement dsol je vous aime putain vivez vos vies a fond Maman je sais que de toute faon j'ai toujours t un dtail Alexia j'ai toujours su que tu prfrais adam ou meme Elie Shit i forgot to explain properly my maturity Guess that is a job for my reincarnation As I said goodbye Hi and bye",Suicidal +20332,"Every morning I wake up an hour before my alarm and toss and turn dreading the day of work to come. I get to work and almost cry some mornings wishing I was anywhere else. Sometimes I feel ok most times I feel like crap. My brain is constantly running and I always feel tired even though I sleep fairly well. When work is over my thoughts instantly go to my next shift and the dread starts over. I lie in bed all day thinking about the job I have to do the next day. My job is not exactly stressful or that bad honestly. There is some manual labor and I stay busy there. I enjoyed it for the first year or so but now every task I am given feels like an overwhelming obstacle. I constantly worry about making mistakes and screwing something up. I have been told numerous times by my bosses and coworkers That I do a great job but I just cannot shake these thoughts. I recently started lexapro 5 mg and it feels like its making it worse so far. I also binge drink heavily on the weekends and I believe that is part of my anxiety too.I have not been eating as much as I used to. I just want to be able to function again, I was fine for so long and all of the sudden a few months ago I started to spiral. I wish I could find a way to fix this. I cannot shut my brain off.",Depression +20333,"I am finally coming to terms that whatever mental slump I am in is not going away anytime soon and that I need to deal with it. Over the past month or so, I just have not felt attached to anything. I do not think anybody suspects that anything is wrong with me. No one sees anything, but I really would prefer just not being alive.I do not really want to die either but at this point it does not bother me much. What do I do? I cannot force myself to do much of anything besides sleep and eat, but I know there is a load of work and responsibility that I have to get around to doing.I am not really expecting the answer for how to get over my mental rut, but more just how do I manage it? Any help would be appreciated How to manage being passively suicidal",Depression +20334,"Take a look at our world and tell me I am wrong. If God exists, then he is a cruel being, a sadist among sadists. If he does not, then we are ruled over by an indisputable rule of nature, ""The strong prey on the weak"", or for our circumstances, ""The wicked deceive the naive.""",Depression +20335,"The past 2 months I have been overwhelming myself trying to figure out where I will live for my senior year of college. Who will help me move in? How long will the rent money I made working 7 days a week durring the summer last? Where will I buy furniture and food? How will I get around without a car? Who will I hang with when I get there? No one, because I have zero friends to see when I get there.""Wait are not you a senior? Why do not you have any friends to help you move in? Why will you have to uber just to get grocceries? Why did not you make lasting friendships durring your previous 3 years?""I did have a few friends before covid happened, but they have now all graduated.I do not know a single other person in my situation, ESPECIALLY at my college. I go to an SEC school which is a party school, and everyone knows everyone and has lots of friends. Not me. I AM that weird loner. And being in quarantine for a year has ruined my social skills, so I would not even know how to act around people my age without looking like a socially awkward weirdo. My life now is just go t work->go to the gym->browse reddit until bedtime. I have less than a month to figure out what to do. And I am scared. I just feel like an NPc who does not enjoy anything anymore.I have no idea how I am even supposed to enjoy my final year. I just do not look foreward to anything anymore. I do not know how I am supposed to look foreward to my final year of college after becoming depressed being online at home for a year, and not having a single friend to see when I return there.",Depression +20336,17f and I am too exhausted to live but I am too exhausted to die. Every day I think of suicide. I have attempted four times but unfortunately non of them worked. I have self harmed for five years and it continues to be a regular thing. I just want to end it but the fear of surviving again and getting repercussions is the only thing stopping me. I am afraid of an amber alert being sent out and then surviving it because then Ill be bombarded with questions and people will think poorly about me. I do not know where I am going with this but I am done So tired of living. Just want to end it,Suicidal +20337,"I have had a lifetime of bullying, abuse, failed relationships, failed projects. And do you know what? I am completely at peace. I am ready. I have nothing left to contribute. I look at my life and all I can think is I am so over everything and I cannot wait to be forgotten.",Suicidal +20338,So I (20f) have been talking to this guy (22m) for two weeks and after our second date he started acting weird. He started acting distant and barely texting and was saying how he was going to get back on medicine and see a doctor. I do not understand how all of a sudden hes acting this way. I thought we had a good connection and I thought he was genuinely interested. I do not understand why his mood suddenly switched. I asked him if he wanted to stop talking and why he was acting this way and he just said you make me happy but my heads messed up and I feel like I am the problem. I am hurt. Do people really just start getting depressed like this and losing relationships? I do not know whether to leave him alone and think or if I should try to keep talking. I am just so stressed. tl;dr guy i was talking to suddenly became depressed after our second date and is acting distant and it makes me feel insecure. Dealing with a depressed guy,Depression +20339,"A couple of my friends have been having some real good things happen to them lately, and while I want to be happy for them I cannot help but feel jealous. I feel like such an asshole for thinking this but I do not know what to do my life has been in a steady downfall and I do not even know what to do with it anymore. I am so lost and alone and every time I see something good happen for someone it makes me feel worse because I just cannot get a break. I just want to end it already. Jealous of my friends",Depression +20340,So I am aware that mostly these posts do not get much attention and I am not going to cry for help or whatever else. Would this kill be however -20 500g tablets of paracetamol (10g) along with I guess a few Swigs of bourbon I have kind of considering suicide again,Suicidal +20341,"Everytime a conversation starts, I keep silence, hide myself and suddenly disappear from the chat. I do not want to talk with more than one person a time, I cannot do it anymore. Actually, I think this is becoming a fear to me, like, fear of groups. When I am walking on the street, and I see a group of people talking with each other, I want to dig a hole on the ground and hide myself until they pass. that is what I feel I am feeling like I lost my capacity to talk in groups.",Depression +20342,"I am not going to be spending thousands of dollars to a bunch of greedy fucking doctors who wanted to run 30 blood tests instead of treating my broken leg. I am not going to see 30, I will be dead before then. I have maybe 4 years left, guess I will make them count... Family insurance runs out at 25. I will make sure I am dead by then.",Suicidal +20343,"So not sure where to begin. I would not say I am likely to kill myself, but I certainly have a death wish. Basically, I cannot think of a valid reason to keep going. I do not even know what I am working towards. Technically speaking my life is doing better than ever, I am getting close to being published, I am losing weight, on the edge of being out of debt, and I have got the job I have wanted since forever. But, unlike with the characters I create, I cannot seem to figure out my own motivation to do any of it beyond basic instincts.My life expectancy is not terribly long due to medical conditions, but I have always been fine with that as I have never had much a reason to fear death, but even there I do not really fell much pain anymore as that is improving. And as far as the lockdown was concerned, I straight up enjoyed it and came out better than ever.But, despite how everything is objectively looking upwards for me, I honestly just do not know what I am working towards or why I would even want to get there. It almost feels like having played a game to completion and there is nothing left to do, if that makes any sense.I am functionally alone, diagnosed with ASPD several years ago. I do have friends, most of them with similar issues as not many people are that accepting of psychopaths, seeing us as a threat based on name alone (*thanks* hollywood). Between that fact and medical issues, I do not have a love life. Antisocial does not mean you do not at least want to be close with someone, but trying to find any advice on the topic just leads to endless articles warning people about those with ASPD, never advice on how to live with it. I have made extreme effort to restrain the tendencies that come with it, refusing to lie or act out with violence even if it might be justified, but the simple label of ASPD is the equivalent of ""evil"" to basically everyone who does not have it. it is like there is a requirement on you to be absolutely perfect, beyond any sort of reproach, so that nobody around you finds out that is you are the ""unthinking embodiment of all evil"". No conscience does not mean you are not capable of knowing right and wrong (I even try to help people despite my inability to empathize), it just means you do not feel it, but try explaining that to anyone. Frankly, I do not see that changing in the next two hundred years, if ever.In short, it is like being an alien on this planet, something not human as far as anyone else is concerned. And on top of that, even after finally reaching most of my goals, there is nothing really left to do (at least that is possible for someone like me). And even *if* there was something to work towards having finished everything worth doing I am going to, I cannot even think of a reason to work for it. Call it fatalistic or nihilistic, and even though I know life's purpose, it just does not feel like there is room left for me or why I would even want it. Every reason I have been offered from people seems vain, ""it get's better"" is meaningless to me because my life is arguably fine. IK it is fine to feel this way, but that does not really matter to me. And, like a coward, I am even hiding behind a throwaway account here just so I do not have to deal with ""helpful"" people in my life who just do not know any better. So, I guess to sum it all up... why am I supposed keep going? What are you even supposed to do? Why should not I just hope to get hit by a bus?(apologies for how all over the place this is, mostly stream-of-consciousness and unedited) cannot find a valid reason to continue / living in a world with ASPD",Suicidal +20344,"I was talking to this girl and everything was going pretty good then we played truth or dare and I picked dare, turns out she was joking with her dare and now she is not talking to me I feel awful about it and I wish that I could just rewind and apologize for it I am such a terrible person",Depression +20345,"I am curious how people would react. I do not think there is anyone who is better off with me around. I do not really think anyone cares about me, they might just be putting up with me. Will my classmates ask about where i went? Will they cry when they find out? Will they be shocked? How long will it take for my family to recover? If my experiment really shows that i will not be missed ill probably quietly go through with it properly I am considering staging my own suicide",Suicidal +20346,"I am too weak. I do not belong to this world. I cannot take it anymore.Suggest me effective sleeping pills.Better if you have the local names available in Bangladesh. Please help me out. I am completely drained out, I need pills.",Suicidal +20347,or I will not I will tell you my story,Suicidal +20348,"I just drank a bunch and spilled my guts to my husband about how miserable I am every day and how I low key want to die. I feel super Embarrassed and hopeless and I do not know how to proceed.Everyday of my life has been so exhausting and meaningless except when I get the rare chance to lay with my husband or go get taco bell as sad as that sounds its my reality, How do I find the will to exist on a day to day basis especially when my brain has been wired to be miserable for as long as I can remember?I feel like I cannot go on much longer. I have never seriously considered suicide before now but i just want to rest. I am beyond lost",Depression +20349,"This is not a pity post or anything like that. Just an explanation, really. I do not cut to distract myself from trauma I am going through. I do not do it for this reason or that reason.To put it simply, I hate my body. I always have ever since I was a little kid I absolutely despised my body and my genetics. Cutting is self destruction on the body. So, what better way to show just how much I hate my body, than to slowly damage and destroy it? Every scar is more evidence of how disgusted I am of myself. Why I cut",Depression +20350,"I think I might have died in a car accident or something. Either that or I am in a coma somehow. Because what kind of world could because so much suffering? It feels like I do not exist. Not that I even want to, I wish I did not. I just want to know what is real. If I am real, if I actually exist. I may sound psychotic saying this, but I truthfully do not know anymore. If I am dead and this is in fact Hell or Purgatory, then so be it. I do not care. I do not know if I am real anymore.",Suicidal +20351,"I honestly do not think Ill ever be good at doing anything in life or at least anything that will make myself a living. I am upcoming on my 7th year in college at a dead end up working for a family member that made me feel like shit for the past 5 years. I have no self worth, I am the fattest I have been in my life, and waste all the money I get from my job on my car and going out anyways. Realistically, I do not know how Ill survive in the future. I do not see myself being able to hold onto a job or even getting close to the dreams I used to have. Sure the people in my life may care about me, but I almost do not care about myself anymore. If the only reason why I have to keep on living is because people will be sad to see me go, should I still really be around? I just want to quit living already",Depression +20352,"Honestly I do not know where to start. I have had anxiety since I was little, I do not necessarily have a stresser more like if I get stressed it makes my anxiety ten times stronger. It used to be barable I would draw go for a walk or distract myself. But over this past year its been pretty rough, my parents have my other sibling a to be concerned with and I can tell my parents do not understand when I tell them I am sad or anxious and that I do not have a reason to be. I did start to see a therapist in this time and she recommended I start medication, I was honestly a bit apprehensive at first since my family has always been very anti medication. But I decided to start it after having a terrible anxiety attack. Its been three days now and the anxiety medication is making me super sleepy to the point were I almost fell asleep. And I was just wondering if I should continue and if it was normal I do not know if I should stop taking my anxiety medication",Depression +20353,"I, age 15, have been struggling with anxiety and depression-symptoms for a year now, and I have finally decided to get help. My doctor referred me to this psychiatrist (at my request) and I am seeing them tomorrow. I am getting so nervous and anxious about it that I am already crying. I feel really weird about getting help, and I have felt worse since I made the decision to seek out help. Anyway, whenever I talk about my anxiety or symptoms of depression I cry and no one can understand me. I know the second its mentioned tomorrow Ill start crying. Any tips? I cry whenever talking about my mental health, and I am going to a psychiatrist tomorrow. Any tips?",Depression +20354,"After crying your brain releases endorphins so you tend to cheer up after letting it out but I actually hate this feeling.Me feeling better does not change the fact that my mental space is completely fucked: filled with constant anxiety, suicidal thoughts, past regrets, and extreemly low self-esteem.Me feeling better does not change the fact that everything I do is never good enough and my parents are always disappointed in me while the people that I am lucky enough to call friends are all hundreds of times more talented, social, and driven than I ever could be.My parents' biggest mistake was not in how they raised me or how they acted around me, their biggest mistake was having me in the first place. I detest the society I was forced into and I have nothing to live for in order to tolerate this society.Without a dream to strive for or someone to share life with there is nothing for me here. I want to die but I do not want to get hurt. Man, I actually hate that feeling of feeling better after crying.",Depression +20355,"where the more you go deep more you feel hallucinations and doubt about reality. I have not yet diagnosed with neuro divergence but i sure feels, this is what depression looks like. How does it feel/ you deal with forgetting things with everything like the past or basic usual life informations and finding yourself a hollow space?",Depression +20356,"Since the pandemic began, I(m17) moved to another city(temporarily), then another one(again, temporarily), and traveled between these two towns back and forth for almost a year. In this time period, I have rarely been in the city A(with all my friends, classmates, etc.), and, pretty much was on my own for a year. At first I thought I dealt with this isolation just fine. I am introverted after all and I just relaxed and enjoyed the peace. But after a year since the pandemic has began, the solitude began to take its toll. I have felt lonely. Which eventually led me to being depressed. In the beginning of summer I was finally able to come to the city A, and meet my two closest(and perhaps only) friends. I have been here for nine days, then went to another city for two weeks and came back here for another two weeks.The social interactions with my peers, which I have craved so much and have finally gotten, made me happy, but not for long. At some points, they did not even distract me and I was as miserable around my friends as if I was by myself.I realized sometime before, that nothing makes me truly happy. I have been extremely pessimistic about my future and everything really. Soon Ill go to college and the boring, sad and dull adult life might begin.Anyway, for quite some time I have been venting about all of this to my closest friend. Today may have been the last time I saw her before our five/ten-year class reunions. we have decided to hang out(+my 2nd closest friend), but it turnt out not that great.Not only did I saw more proof that she does not really care about me(smth I realized not so long ago), but also she was cold. Most importantly, during our final goodbyes, she told me it was hard to be friends with me because of the negativity and pessimism I bring. Yeah, I was already sad, but that just made it worse. I am a burden and I knew that but I did not expect her to say smth like that. Totally understand and don blame her at all. My closest friend told me that it is really hard being my friend because of all the negativity that i radiate. That might have been the last time I saw her.",Suicidal +20357,"My boyfriend and I both struggle with anxiety and depression, and he has been dealing with a lot of anger that often times comes out against me. I have dealt with that in the past but usually get sad rather than angry now. We are both about to enter counseling but I am wondering if there is anything I can do to make things easier for him, like helping create a routine or something like that. Thanks you all :) How to help my boyfriend?",Depression +20358,". today i lost the only girl i ever loved. been on and off drugs, i cut myself time to time. my habits are killing me. but maybe soon ill finally kms. 17 years old and still cannot even wake up on time. i have little to no friends both irl and online. days are the same and always repeating. i sleep and barely eat. i do not necessarily have any reason to live. my family cares only ab themselves. idk anymore. she was my everything but found someone else. ill pay for my sins soon. really no reason for me.",Suicidal +20359,"but i just cannot do it. I know it would mess their lives up if i killed myself. I do not want to leave them behind, but I just do not want to keep on going. There are people who need me..",Suicidal +20360,"Sometimes it hits me how literally nobody knows nor will ever know my pain and sadness. I think we subconsciously believe that we are in some kind of movie where an audience knows how we feel and feels sorry for our character. But there is not. You are completely alone. Or at least I am.I will die one day and no one will ever know my story and how I really felt. Everybody thinks I am alright, maybe a bit introverted. Meanwhile I am crying as soon as I am alone and I am constantly planning on how to kill myself, probably without ever going through with it tho. I am alone in my pain.",Depression +20361,"I need ideas of what to do rn. I have tried going to the hospital but they did not admit me. I am considering going to a different hospital to see if they will admit me, but idk if my parents will want me to. I am just really not okay rn Please help",Suicidal +20362,"I think I am going to finally find peace next month. I have been consumed by suicidal ideation for about a decade now (and have one near-successful attempt + months-long hospital stint under my belt), and the only reason I have not succumbed to it once again is my fucked up family dynamic.My mom died nine years ago and since then my family has been non-existent. Its just myself, a sister I talk to once a year, and my twin brother I cannot/do not confide in. My dad broke when my mom died, and hes now grappling with the early stages of Alzheimers. He is essentially a pet I check in on now. Hes never been an emotionally supportive parent, so when my mom died, my siblings and I were left to grieve on our own. We were left to wrap up our childhoods in mourning, and enter adulthood without support of guidance. Despite this and the total lack of emotional support, my dad truly is the kindest man I know, so accepting and admitting to myself that hes been a useless father has been a difficult process. I feel guilty every time I feel frustrated or resentful of him. I feel angry because hes the one thing blocking my path to easy, permanent pain relief. I do not have family to lean on. I do not have any friends I am comfortable confiding in. I simply want to die, but doing so will fuck my siblings up, and my dad will have no one to regularly check in on him. Lately, I have been feeling less and less restrained by all this though. Like my family will eventually be fine, and on some level they will understand the humane aspect of self-euthanization. I do not know. I am consumed by the desire to self-euthanize, and I do not think I can restrain myself much longer.",Suicidal +20363,"Sometimes it feels like that is all it would take to make me give up and kill myself. Maybe two or three times a week I think ""I could kill myself today"" but I do not because I still have some good times every now and then and there are people around who love me. But I am impulsive and I hate myself so I do not think I would be able to resist the impulse if enough shit piled up. I do not want to commit suicide, I just want to be a normal person with emotional depth and the ability to relate to other people without having to fake it. Healthy, well-adjusted people see that shit coming from a mile away; they may give you the benefit of the doubt for a while but eventually they realize that there is something off about you and they distance themselves. I feel such an intense pressure to perform whenever I am with my friends so that they do not see how I really am. I am far enough into my adulthood now that I do not think I will ever change and I do not think there is any external force in the world that could make me change. I will never be stable, secure, and unafraid. I will always feel trapped and claustrophobic inside myself. I hate it. I am afraid of having one really bad day",Depression +20364,"I lost a lot of things due to my mental illnesses. But this is probably the best thing that I have lost. I got a 10 month old puppy, a gorgeous labrador pitbull mix. We had her for around a month. She made me smile and giggle all the time. She felt like the only friend I had close to me. Someone that I could hug and cuddle with. I even tried to take of her leash at the dog park the 2nd day we got her and she kept running back to me, looking for me always. But she was a puppy, and a big one, around 25 kgs. So she made a lot of damages, chewed a lot of shoes and it took her a while to learn to pee outside. Due to low energy and loss of appetite I struggled to take her for walks except for maybe once a day and just let her outside in the yard when she needed to go.. I barely take care of myself so taking care of all the mess she kept making was not something I could do. My family got frustrated with the situation and decided to gove her away. They said I did not try hard enough. Its all my fault that she left. I hate myself. I miss her so much. But hey at least I can cry, have not been able to for a while. I do not have anyone else to be here for me. I just need a hug. Stupid rant from a stupid person over. I lost probably the greatest dog because of my incapability",Depression +20365,I do not deserve to be alive. do not respond to this mf idc I am fucked,Suicidal +20366,"I went to the hospital and told them everything, I was super honest, but they did not have space so they did not admit me. Now I do not know what to do. I do not think I can keep myself safe, and I genuinely do not even know if I want to keep myself safe. I just want to self destruct until I do not exist anymore Help",Suicidal +20367,"I cannot focus mentally anymore. I am extremely confused and tired every hour of the day and have this unshakeable sense of malaise and discomfort. I will enter a degree course in September but I am worried I will not be able to manage it because of my ongoing physical and mental state. Today it started to crescendo because I have been very ill and my headache has lasted more than several hours, a throbbing pain accompanying my ill and painful thoughts.Bizarrely enough, being brought to my lowest point of strength seems to have a considerably beneficial effect? I am torn between a thought pattern of guilt and luridly repetitive depression to a state of focus and clear-minded determination. Like accepting what is making me suffer mentally ends up turning out for the best. I am not sure I understand it and my descriptions likely are not helping I feel like I am going to die",Suicidal +20368,"I have never felt worse. The first thing I did when I woke up was cry for what seemed like hours because I do not deserve to be fucking alive. I hate myself so much and I have been thinking about getting a car and driving off this steep mountain road and crashing into the ground. I am only 18. I just want to fucking be happy for once in my life but I have been struggling even as a kid. I think about finally lying in a coffin. I will not be anxious anymore, I will not be tired. Ill finally be gone. I am tempted to do it soon, the only thing keeping me here is the close ones around me, but I am losing them too. I should just leave since I have been nothing but a stressful disappointment to them. it will be best for them. I am so tired. I have been thinking and I am considering doing it.",Suicidal +20369,"No one cares whether I am happy, sad, angry, excited, anxious--whatever.They care that I am alive because if I killed myself, they would not get to talk to me anymore, or they would look like a bad parent, they would be lonely, they would be traumatized, etc. etc. They care that I am working, volunteering, paying rent, taking care of my appearance, going to therapy, etc. etc.They do not care how I feel.I posted something on my main account asking about how to talk about feelings because I really, genuinely do not know and I am feeling very alone, and all three comments so far can be surmised with, ""do not."" This is pretty much the same reaction I have gotten from everyone in my life. Even my therapist has asked why it is so important to me that people ""understand"" how I am feeling.I do not need people to understand. I just need someone to care. it is deeply, deeply upsetting to me to think that it makes no difference to anyone in my life (besides me, obviously) whether I go through life constantly on the verge of suicide, taking meds, having panic attacks and sobbing alone on my floor every couple of days (as I have been since I was about eleven years old... I am now 25.) or whether I go through life feeling generally content and loved--just so long as I am functional and do not take up too much space with my emotions.Every time I try to talk about how I feel, I get shut down, the subject gets changed, the other person starts complaining about their own life, or I am told that I am upsetting them. When I was fourteen, I told my friend that I was cutting myself, she told our priest, and the priest CALLED THE POLICE and my parents and had me detained until I swore up and down that I would never, ever do it ever again (of course I did lmao. I still do sometimes.) That was the most extreme reaction I ever got, but others have been similar. I had someone I would been in a relationship with for MONTHS ghost me after I cried to them over the phone, for instance. I tried calling three different friends for help while I was hallucinating from alcohol withdrawal a little over a year ago, and literally Every Single One Of Them had a response like, ""Um... that really sucks... Good thing you are quitting, though. Okay, here is what happened to ME today--""it is just so frustrating. Even when you Google ""how to talk about your feelings,"" you will get a lot of results telling you that ""no one cares.""I do not know. It makes me want to end it sometimes. I am just so fucking sick of being all alone. I want to just LOSE IT and scream at everyone sometimes, but I do not think that would be fair. I know it is ultimately my responsibility to cope with my depression, but... I cannot. I just cannot do it without any support. I have been trying for so long.I have been in therapy for years. I take meds. I exercise. I eat healthy. I try to get enough sleep. And now I have been sober for about a year. I even tried to make a career change, but I have discovered I do not really want to do this, either (it is not the job. it is me. it is depression). I am just about ready to give up.Anyway. I am ranting. I did not know what else to do. Have a nice night if for some reason you read this hahaha -",Depression +20370,"Hello! I have bipolar disorder and general anxiety for a little back ground,and I am currently moving states so I do not have my therapist atm. I found a medicine regiment that has been working for me finally, but the past 3-4 days I am having bad depression(like the lowest of lows that came out of no where). I do not have any energy to do anything. I cannot enjoy things and if I do it is just for a few mins and its gone(sometimes feeling worse after). I know that you have to get out more and do things you enjoy to start to come out of it, but what do you do when you physically cannot even get the energy to make yourself a tad bit better. it is pretty much crippling at the moment and I hate it. I am not sure how to get out of this slump",Depression +20371,"I guess the (optional) text in this community is not quite *optional* now, is it? Thought I was doing fine for once. Spilled a tiny bit of my drink walking upstairs, did not realise just how thin my tether was today lmao",Depression +20372,I hate this The thoughts always come back,Suicidal +20373,"Almost 29 years old. Only child. Shitty childhood with divorced parents and neglectful alcoholic mother. Diagnosed at 14 with depression and anxiety. Tried antidepressants and therapy. Dropped out of high school bc anxiety and bullying. Groomed by 19 year old man when I was 15 and dated him for two years. Moved interstate for an LDR I started with a guy in a video game at 18. Lasted one month there then ended up in a mental hospital bc I tried to kill myself. Went to uni. Dropped out bc anxiety. Lost a bunch of weight and stopped playing video games. Dated an amazing guy for 3 years, made tons of friends etc, life was good. Then I ruined it. Moved out to a new place with friend. Met another guy eventually. He cheated on me and was talking to girls our entire relationship. It made me angry and I caused a buttload of fights every day. We accidentally got pregnant and were not ready. I had the abortion. We broke up. Spiralled into a mad depression from abortion guilt and being lonely. Tried therapy and antidepressants again. Became raging alcoholic and binge eater. Gained about 40kgs. Moved out of my share house and into my mums new house. Hardly ever leave house unless for therapy or other appointments. Mother drives me insane. Thinking about suicide on the daily now. The depression is very very deep. I hardly ever leave my room. I do not care anymore. Supposed to be going back to uni next semester and trying new antidepressants. I have not given up but I want to. Also I cannot drive and I have never had a job. I am a failure to my family. I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +20374,My parents have done everything for me and all I can do is be depressed. And I am so ashamed and feel like such a let down that i avoid them because i feel like i do not want to look at them until I am worthy enough I wish I was a better son I feel so ungrateful,Depression +20375,"I am having yet another bad day filled with mood swings and anxiety. I am worried about a friend but I do not want to pressure her and to just give her some space to figure out her problems. But I cannot stop worrying and feeling bad about being unable to help. Or anxious about my help not being wanted. Not sure. it is hard to tell what is causing it. My brother is also pissed at me for cancelling last minute. I am going to his birthday party tomorrow and now I want to stay home. Cancel last minute again, I guess. So I am lying in bed feeling very anxious and guilty. I am trying to think of other things so I can fall asleep and, as always, the thought of suicide shows up. But this time I was too tired to fight it off and really thought about. And I felt this wave of calmness flow through me when I pretty much decided that it was my time to die. it is usually met with panic and fear but not this time. I am tired of being so unstable and I think I am done with it. It feels kind of nice. I am not sure if I am going to feel this way in the morning but I am excited to find out. it is probably a good thing that I have no easy way of ending it all. If I had a method without pain and a high success rate I would probably do it right now. I feel ready. it is not like I will be aware of the things I am going to miss. I will be dead. I will be at peace. This is odd. I feel strangely calm.",Depression +20376,"So I had an okay day today. But of course that did not last when does it ever? I got in a fight with my mom as usual. Every time we fight I feel a little of myself die inside. Now there is basically nothing left of me. I noticed since I have become suicidal that I think about life a lot. Like not just what I want to do, and how I want to live (that is if I do not off myself first lol) but like in a bigger sense like why are we humans here? What is the point of us existing. Basically I have become very existential. So as I think of life as a whole everything really seems empty and pointless. Like even if I lived my idea of a perfect life I think Id still feel empty inside because what is the point of anything really?I feel like this is not something you can even tell someone in real life because they will think you are suicidal. Which I am I know but when I become existential and think of mankind as a whole and all that I am not suicidal. Like its a different feeling then when I want to die because my life sucks and when I am existential I just do not want to exist on this plane of existence because like what is the point. Do you get what I am saying!?Anyway I feel like this is not something humans are supposed to think about. Like if you say you do not want to exist because what is the point people will tell you your suicidal and that is wrong to want to die. But why should not I want to not kill myself? Why if I see how meaningless and small life is and do not want to be involved in it its wrong and I am supposed to seek help. Then after I get help and get fixed and do not want to not exist anymore I am back in the endless cycle of pointless life. Like what is so wrong if wanting to opt out of this world?Anyway I hope this makes sense I am tried its late my souls broken and battered. I just really needed to vent. Just a little rambling",Depression +20377,"I was born poor and I will die poor. My single mother did the best she could and she worked so hard to raise me and my siblings. As soon as I began working, I had to help with bills (made sense to me at the time because I still wanted to live and I loved and cared about my family). Most of my life I will be repeating this pattern, as most people do. I went to school and I have a (useless) college degree. I am far too introverted, anxious, and pathetic to even attempt most jobs. I just give up most of the time because I do not really want to work anyways. I have been depressed for who knows how long. I am one of those people that are always cheery, funny, polite, and fun to be around but it is just a front. When it comes down to it, at the end of the day when I am in bed with my thoughts I am fucking miserable. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate the world and most people. I had a job that was great for a couple years, made pretty decent money and I was in a better position than ever before to move up. I also had a girlfriend that I was living with and we would been together for a couple years. One morning, I just woke up and realized that I did not want any of this. I do not want anything, I just want to not exist. My gf and I have been split up for about a year now. I have been steadily using up all of my money for whatever I want (usually food deliveries) and staying inside all day watching TV and playing video games. I have been doing this for about a year and it is been a blast honestly. it is just made me realize that my ideal life is one that is not possible: to not work and eat, sleep, video games/TV. I have also cut off contact with everyone I know for a least 6 months. Hopefully that will make it easier on them when/if they find out I have committed suicide.I am running out of money and I will be ending everything soon. Maybe within a week. Life is meaningless. I just spend my time working to make money, to pay to other people just to exist on a base level, and never get to it use any for myself. What a fucking joke.",Suicidal +20378,Any suggestions for suiciding painlessly I heard that jumping from a high building is the easiest way to go is that real?,Suicidal +20379,"I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II but due to financial problem, I have not been able to continue my medication for more than a year. I also cannot afford therapy, being in a country with no health insurance for mental health...For the most part of the year, I feel like I do not really need the medication anymore. That I am well, or cured or was not really Bipolar at all. Some days, I even feel strangely positive and hopeful even though I have pretty much given up on life even in my non depressive state. Other days, I am like this. Paralyzed by past hurts, unable to move on. I thought I have move on from these things but when I am depressed, it all just comes rushing back.I have been trying to psyche myself, to think positively but it is giving me headache. My brain constantly feeds me my failures and inadequacy and I try to feed it with positive thoughts...but I just feel so tired and I do not want to think anymore.I am just... So empty Empty",Depression +20380,"I do not know how to start it out so I guess I am going to just be venting through this. I have always dealt with some level of depression since about middle school but now its seems to have grown to actual depression, I do not open up about it because I do not want to seem like one of those kids who get sad here and there and act all depressed so I keep it on the dl but as school is nearing its spiking back up because in middle school I was such a weirdo that no one liked me so that is what started it I guess, but now with 2 years in a row going by without school and friends because of COVID, I had gotten better socially but no one wants to hang out because of how I used to be and without school I did not have an opportunity to build new relationships, I am about to join Yubo and try and make new friends until than but this is only half the reason I am feeling depressed, my mother died when I was 13 and my grandmother just recently passed and one of my favorite rappers lil loaded just killed himself and I never really dealt with these losses I was in the mindset of keep it moving because the world goes on wether we like it or not but now I realize I have just been carrying the weight but its just now starting to get heavy it started with 20lbs than 15 with my grandma than 5 with my rappers, the weight suddenly doubled and I had been carrying it around everywhere I go. Its lead me down a path of feeling life has no purpose and now its a dark cloud over my head 24/7 I have not gotten any close relationships built because deep down I feel there is no point because its eventually going to end and I have been replacing these relationships with parasocial relationships from tv shows and YouTube but you have to wait a year before you see them again so it makes it a bit worse having to wait, I am planning on asking my dad to take me to grief therapy because I believe that is where it all stems from and my inability to connect with others. My goal right now is to deal with my losses in therapy and start building meaningful relationships instead of ones with tv characters. I have been trying to stop over thinking because I have minor ocd and when I think of something negative it will not stop until something switches my momentum or until I go to sleep Sophomore in high school",Depression +20381,"it was my bday yesterday n only the people i live with + my mom said something. I am just so tired,, that i actually had a glimmer of hope that someone will say ""happy birthday"" but nah, hope crushed. i always tell everyone happy bday or merry christmas yk the drill,, but no one ever wishes me anything. thought i had a friend, that i mattered to her but it appears i only saw delusions. she never talks to me outside of when she wants to ask for advice i cannot give (love, clothes, etc) , when i ask her smth i get met with no reply,,i cannot even force myself to work anymore,, i hope we never go back to having to be in the office,, my boss also forces us to give him happy answers all the time. ""how are you?"" ""why bad? just smile!"" ""life will get better!"" idk, should i be feeling good? i used to find joy in drawing,, i do not anymore, I am just,, there,, all the time,, everytime. it hurts. all i do is sit in my room, work, stare at the screen,, daydreaming or just being tired. i also used to like this job until my boss threatened to fire us over nothing? on christmas.i used to think id finally be happy. I am not. i have not changed. i just reverted back to how i was before, its even worse i think. idk what i want to do anymore. i cannot fucking talk to people. i know nothing n cannot do anything by myself. I am always paranoid,, I am just a mess. do i even deserve anything? i do not have anyone, no friends,,(who would want to be friends w a fat and ugly person?) the only thing i care about r my cats n i only see them twice a week,, i even feel like this post itself is a bother. I am so tired",Depression +20382,"Hello Reddit.Forgive me if this comes across as messy and disorganized, but I am trying my best to collect my thoughts on this thing that stresses me out so much. And I am not sure if this is the right subreddit to post this and I apologize in advance if this topic is too severe to be posted here. I got no one and nowhere to turn to so please bare with me. A little background: My brother has been living abroad for quiet a while ( before I was born). He (in his late 20s) came back to visit when I was around 11-12 the same age when I started going through puberty. Long story short, he was sexually assulting me when I was ""asleep"" but fortunately it did not go as far as r*pe. Back then I did not know what to think of it or what to do as my parents never told me anything regarding the topic of sex. The act did make me uncomfortable and confused, but I did not give it much thought and just ignored it. (it all hit me later when I was around 15.)Now, the said brother is going to be visiting again sometime soon and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts are over the roof because I do not know what to do in a situation like this. I tired to forgive him, but he was a grownass man, an adult, he knew exactly what he was doing and coming to think of it, I cannot even imagine myself doing that to anyone let alone a child. So that process was not a success as you can tell. To be frank, just the thought of me being under the same roof as him scares me so much. My family does not believe in therapy and this is my first time talking about it, ever. So if you have any advice please do not hesitate to let me know. Thank you so much for your time. TW/ sexual assault",Depression +20383,"The only reason why I want to live is to meet someone, and I know how sad it is. I also know how sad and impractical it is to not want to live for yourself.I tell myself I can have kids, a career, and be happy all by myself. I try my hardest to keep my head forward and only imagine my future as an individual. Sometimes I buy into the fantasy and other times it feels like a joke.I do not want to live if the only things holding me down are a selfish dream and an idiotic fantasy. I feel pathetic",Depression +20384,"Hi, i want to apologize for my English in advance, I am not a native speaker, just a 21 years old guy, that needs to ventilate somewhere.I have problems with my mental health, I am sad all the time, alone, depressed and every single day, when i wake up i struggle to get out of my bed. But i somehow made a peace with my depression, I am just going to be feeling like a piece of shit every single day, till i finally fucking decide to end thinks forever. A few weeks ago one of my old friends died in a car accident and i felt nothing, did not go to funeral, did not cry, did not feel sad, maybe just for a few minutes, after i got the news. I literally just said to myself yeah, that is sad, we were good buds back in middle and high school, anyway let us moove on. A few days ago my grandmother died (corona) and once again i was not even fucking sad.. it just happened. I feel like a monster, being fucking sad and depressed because of my own fucking problems, but when something happens to someone close to me i do not fucking feel anything. Should i get a therapy or something? Is something seriously wrong with me? I do not feel sad, when someone close to me dies.",Depression +20385,"I want to draw, I want to play video games, I want to exercise, I want to study, I want to do things. But all do now is lay in bed. I have things that need to get done, but here I am just laying down. I do not like feeling like this. I lay on my bed with cuts on my wrist, and no drive to get up.",Depression +20386,if a doctor were to find a self harm scar at a normal checkup what is the steps they take and where do you end up going I would rather know then have no idea where the fuck I am going if it happens thanks Any know a doctors procedure if they find self harm scars in you,Depression +20387,"let us say that my life is miserable with no friends and only thing i hear from my family is some issues about money , and let us say that i studied my whole life for nothing so i cannot even have a job ,and recently became an atheist and lost all meanings of life . Why would I continue to live ? Can i have any good reason? Help",Suicidal +20388,"My depression just or sadness just kind of left one morning. It feels so good! My smiles and laughs are genuine! Its been like that for 3 days now, hopefully this rain of happiness continues! This will probably be the last time I post here so goodbye and thank you everybody who gave me advice, sayonara. Gone.",Depression +20389,"my hobbies are so expensiveive been falsely accused of sexual assault, destroying friendships and a relationship i was just in, there is no proof for either sideive been thinking a lot about suicide latelyi truely do not have any friendssuicide is really seeming like a good option right now ill probobly have my parents take me to the hospital after dinner tonight man",Suicidal +20390,"Hello, I am Emma i guess. I am 18 by the way.Okay I am sorry if this dosent belong here, but I am going to try anyway. I guess i just need advice on what to do right now. I will try to keep my back story short. I lived in a small village in the middle of germany. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I lived by my mum. I guess I have been emotionaly necelect since childhood. I had big social issues my whole life and school was just lonly hell. After school I just got home and locked myself in my room and mostly dident even leave the house. I mostly spend my childhood in front of the TV or Phone. I dident know any better sadly. (Yt videos and Podcasts can realy simulate a social live, at least it wass all I had.)I slowly got more and more depressd. I ate unhealty (my mum was also obese.) and got obese. As long as i can remember I was 103kg with 16yo. I finished 2020(IDK what it is called in english ""Realschulabschluss"" 10 grade) and dident know what to do after that. I was mentaly a complete mess and was not in a good physikal form. I started a BVB Berufs vorbereitende Bildingsmanahme. Something like a brige jear that helps you to find a job. It was the first time in my life that i had a social new start with new people and I actually enyoud live, I actually started to lose waight and people actually wanted to talk with me.It was heaven. Okay...... Now let us start with the strange part.I am transgender. (I was born male)After I lost moust of the waight and was social aktiv I noticed that some things are just wrong.The first thing that has nothing to do with my gender, but I guess I should mention it anyway. I noticed that I am atractet to guys. Of couse woman are okay but I am blushing when I am sitting next to a hot guy.Then I did some resurtch on the Internet (porn) and found out about LGBT. ( I lived in a small christian village and school dident teach shit about this stuff.) I hated myself for months and I dident know that gay or Bi or anything exist, not even to speak from transgender people and the HRT. I just know that I am strange and just wrong. Okay... So that is that. I am sorry if this post is strange but I am just trying to tell you what happend from my perspektive.I found out about trans people. Everything resonated i guess. Moust of the hatred I still had for my boady even after I lost all this waight and I could have loved my boady, but I dident. It Could simply be describet as i hate my boady because it is male. In oktober 2020 the BvB got put under lockdown and we only had distance work. (Some school work per E-Mail)I lost the small social live I finaly had and was now permanently every day in my room. I dident talked anything meaningfull with my mum and my mental state fastly deckend to a new low. I hated my boady more than ever even if i just looked like a normal teenager. I was okay with the lonlynes and necelect but It was just enough. I simply wanted to die and to vanish from this world. All I thought about was that I hated my boady becouse i lost the chance of a coin toss. And that becouse of my fucked genes I would even whit HRT never be able to pass becouse of my whide shoulders and haight. I had no acces to working medication so my Plan was to just cut open my wrist and to just bleed out.My mum somehow noticed that something was wrong, probably because i got more aggressiv to her and had constant mood swings. She finaly got me a appointment to a terrible terapist and hoped that this will fix me. IDK. The terapist dident help me, she listend to me but dident give me any advice or anything.Later IDK how but seriusly fuck you and thank you god two months ago I got into a psycatrie ! I finaly got the fucking help I nedet. ^^. A fucking good psycatrist that actually helps me and talks with me and gives advice. I worked thro a lot of my past. (A lot of witch I wrote down here.)And a small social live whit other patients.I got relesed yesterday to be honest. ^^I am now living with my dad right now and the future is still in planning, but everything is okay right now. I am probably going to go to a new terapist. ( I am still not on HRT.) and figure the future out. At least i know that I still have the rest of my life, and I can do whatever i want with it. ^^ And humans are in all Chapes ( boady positivity and stuff)I am sorry if my sorry is too strange, and has aweful grammar. I just wanted to write it down to get it out of my heard. I am sorry that I am picturing my mum so bad she has her own mental and medical problems, I guess she just dident know any better.Please if someone can spare some time, I would be glad if we could talk. ^^ Can I please talk with someone.",Suicidal +20391,"I am so sad right now (for no reason because, you know, I am weird) and I am desperate for it to go away but I know if it does I will feel empty and strange, then be in pain again. Does anyone get what I mean? I hate this pain, yet when I am without it I feel strange, like a part of me is missing",Suicidal +20392,"My crush is came out, my friends feel fake, And my family barely loves me. Help... I think I am depressed",Depression +20393,"So many things are wrong, I thought I could deal with it all but I also thought life would get better and it just does not, bad news after bad news after bad news, when is this going to stop? I cannot take it anymore. How much can a person endure before loosing hope? I know life is not easy, and I know people have it way worse but I just cannot. I do not know if I am depressed but life keeps throwing shit at me and I do not know if I am able to take it anymore.",Depression +20394,"I am really depressed, I had some kind of massive childhood trauma trigger a while ago when a similar feeling situation happened, only realised what it was recently. I have two partners (we are poly, it is chill). One thinks I am draining while I am like this and left for a month, the other tries to be there but I cannot stop snapping at her when I am feeling at my worst and she comes into my space (I hide under the duvet a lot). That is not something I want, so I need distance.I have to work through the whole spectrum of child abuse and I do not feel safe talking to anyone now that I know I drain them. I am really not sure how I can keep going, somehow keep both jobs, be more functional, find any kind of social contacts to try and do happy things, while being alone. The one that left will come back in a few weeks, the other is still around, but I am unable to share when I feel overwhelming things, I do not want to lash out if she is prodding and saying the wrong things.Idk what to do. I guess it would help to have any idea how to make friends to do things with. I am autistic and really struggle. I am seeing a therapist but all of the processing is just making me so much worse. Both partners distant while trying to deal with childhood trauma",Depression +20395,"it is hard to develop strategies against shitty moods when I am in a shitty mood myself. feeling sad and frustrated, not sure how to fix it",Depression +20396,"After 2 days of not eating a bite, I got up and made myself a sandwich earlier today. kind of proud of myself for that one. I made a sandwich today",Depression +20397,I wrote a bunch of stuff but it does not matter and nobody else needs to read it. Just knowing somebody will see this and know that I am a person and I exist makes me feel a little better. Vivid ideas that I cannot stop,Suicidal +20398,"I have started to do heroin pretty much daily. Within 4 weeks I will be forced to go to some institution for drug addicts and mentally ill people and be forced anti psychotics there. Fuck that I once took a anti psychotic and it just kills me inside and some other person takes over. My family was happy, that was the worst realization that my family and friends would rather kill me and let the medication take over my body and just say oh look they fixed you! Fuck them! They will pay for how they made me feel! Soon I will be finally dead. I hope I die soon",Suicidal +20399,"I have been doing really bad and called my psychiatrists office twice last week trying to get an earlier appointment than today and that was my bad, I was too depressed to bother calling back. I feel like that should have been concerning to them though.Today I finally had my scheduled phone appointment and it was supposed to happen at 3:20. He never called. I am so frustrated, I feel like I have been crying out for help for so long and he did not even care enough to call. Its just made me feel even more insignificant and worthless.I always thought he did not care because hes always talked over me in appointments, and never seems to remember anything about me after two years, and does not seem to have even bothered to read my file before we meet. I did not really need todays confirmation, and its a real kick to the stomach. I do not know what I am going to do anymore. I just want help, I am so tired of fighting the system Vent about shitty Psychiatrist",Depression +20400,"I graduated college a few years ago, but it was the worst time of my life. Became depressed first day because of growing up, leaving all my friends, and taking harder courses (because I was in Special Ed since elementary). My therapist involuntarily sent me to the hospital for a few days (I could never trust anyone, not even myself, again, thanks to her). Had to change majors and take an extra year because I kept failing classes. Graduated but I have to pay off student loans, but I do not have a full time job. Used to work 3 part time jobs, but due to the pandemic, I am only left with 1. I feel like I ruined my own life by going to college, wasting my parents money, taking courses I did not want to take (like Italian, I wanted to learn Japanese); all to make them happy. I feel like I failed them and myself. I could have gone to a technical school or learned a trade or even gone to community college with all my friends, but I chose the traditional university route like my sister, except she has a Phd and a good paying job (director of a childrens museum) meanwhile I cannot even get unemployment and living in my moms. I sometimes wish I was dead. Been feeling this way since I was 18.Any thoughts? I feel like College has ruined me. [26M]",Depression +20401,sometimes i just want to keep driving and never go back missing,Depression +20402,"The last time I typed this out it got deleted because I actually pressed back. I do not really know why it matters though since I am going to kill myself anyways, I went to the DPS(DMZ if your lucky enough to live anywhere that is not fucking texas) and tried taking my drivers test, and I failed so hard because I could not understand the instructions at all, none of it made any sense, I am used to just knowing the route on my phone or in my head though we keeped making so many sharp turns I almost crashed, she the started talking about how I was laughably underpepared, though I would have been fine with it if every single person that we had to talk to did not misgender me every single time, I am just remeded of how much I look like an ugly man, for a while I was able to keep myself delusion that I actually looked okay and maybe even passable after hrt that I have been on for a few months though I have seen the mirrors I know I do not look any different at all, I stupid, ugly and a massive failure. Maybe if I had spoken up a few years ago then maybe I would not have had to have gone through puberty but no, testosterone has destroyed and ruined my body, and I can never change that I will always look like an ugly man to people no matter how hard I try, I cannot deal with this anymore I am killing myself, hopefully within the next few months or sooner, because I cannot live like this anymore I am an ugly stupid failure",Suicidal +20403,When I was at my most lowest in life I began writing a book of things that have happened or I did I wrote it as if it was another person did and experience these things the book was meant to show everyone who would want to read it all the sadness and confused feeling had everything i ever did was in there from the worst to the best the book which I did not know what to call I just called it the requiem of suicide still do not know about the name was to be read when i died of course by suicide the book was never finished because will I am not dead but it meant so much to me never was a good write but I pour my heart and soul in to it after months went by I decided to burn it I regret it because I honestly do not know if Ill kill my self again Book,Depression +20404,So this might be kind of long but here gose. I am 17 i come from a long line of alcoholics and criminals. I use to volunteer and donate time and money and goods. But i got exploited and used so much that i feel like a idiot for ever believing that humans could be good. And the worst part is i have become no better i have become a very severe alcoholic and a thief. And i genuinely enjoy stealing and the thrill that comes with it it is hard to stop. I have already failed i have become no better than who i feared becoming. I am honest to god terrified because i have no friends and no one to talk to. The only reason i have not killed myself already is because I am afraid. I should do it though the world already has enough criminals and alcoholic's. I wish i had someone to talk to but I am to afraid to reach out to anyone. I have become everything i feared.,Suicidal +20405,"its hard knowing I am the only one. everybody i see, everything i interact with is just so - I am unsure. not ""not real"", per se, just... generated. i feel so lonely. surrounded by mirror images that speak and move and communicate with one another so intricately while i am burdened by an impossible solitude.this post will not stay. I am not letting 'people' i know offline see this. i do not want them to think this is the reason, that i was crazy all along. but why do i care? why do i spend so much time and energy preserving the happiness of these mockeries? perhaps i should give up on it.I am too young to die, yet i desire an escape all the same. just wish i was not so scared of bugs. reality",Suicidal +20406,"I lost my best friend a few weeks ago to suicide and my cravings for self harm and just life to stop are so intense. I would never be able to commit suicide, I am safe, the feeling just is not going away. The self harm is so horrible cus I do not want to but I really do Is there anything that will help? Suicidal thoughts and self harm",Depression +20407,Its defo been an interesting last while girlfriend left my world kind of changed I have felt down on myself the last bit and have been fighting to keep myself positive hoping this is things for the better but one never truly knows :/ Interesting last while,Depression +20408,....and realizing I am still here I Hate Waking Up...,Depression +20409,"Everything I had not even 2 years ago is completely gone. My health has deteriorated to the point where I cannot safely live alone. I have severe epilepsy and type 1 diabetes. I had to give up my apartment, that I loved so fucking much, after going into status epilepticus and ending up in the ICU. I moved back in with my parents. They refused to let me live alone. I cannot drive, for obvious reasons. I moved out of a major US city into a suburb with no public transit. I cannot drive. My independence feels completely ripped away from me. I moved out from my parents at 19, and here now at 30 I am back with them. I feel utterly trapped. I have not been able to work, I had to take a break on school, and COVID really fucked everything up even more. And just this weekend my boyfriend of nearly 8 years broke up with me. Over text. Saying he feels like an unpaid CNA. And feels like he needs to fuck other women. I have no friends. No significant other. No independence. No life. I should have just died when I went into status epilepticus, it would have saved so much time. I cannot think of a single thing to live for anymore, there is nothing to look forward too.",Suicidal +20410,"I am wide awake, thinking about life. A 20 years old with no concrete plan in life. No motivation to do things. I barely have any friends. I am studying a degree that my parents want me to. I have no purpose in life. I have never truly been happy. I always live in my head. This small fantasy world that I made up from the expectations that I want myself to be. I feel like a fraud. I am useless and good at literally nothing. Every time I get out of my head, the reality hits and I feel like my world is falling apart. Sometimes I just want to be okay. I do not need to be happy. 4:33am",Depression +20411,"I have been in some sort of depression slump or another for around 9 years. Used to love talking to people, exercising, and writing. Now the only thing I can actually enjoy is just watching tv or movies. I know its not healthy for that to be the only thing I want to do anymore. I am just so detached from everything else. I do not see a point in doing much of anything. I work a shitty barely above minimum wage job, cannot even afford to live by myself which i think would really help my situation. I do not have any friends anymore (could not keep in contact regularly bc of depression so they kind of just floated away) so no one to vent to. Just barely existing in this shitty world trying to dive as deep into fiction as I can. I feel this wearing off though, the comfort I get from my fav characters and I am really scared I am getting close to the end for me The only thing I am interested in anymore is media.",Depression +20412,"Hello, to cut it into simpler terms a couple years ago (2-3) I had a job and was in school and recently found myself a gf. I would travel from city to city from town to town to do stuff that I wanted to do. Unfortunately for me I was in a car accident that shook me up.Idk if it was the accident or just myself but lately if at all, I am having a hard time venturing outside to do things. Whether it be a friends house or a tattoo I would want to get.Yearly I would get 1 tattoo on me because i love them so much and why not! But like I said I just do not know what is up with me. I just feel like boxed in and scared of going outside sometimes or drivi ng so far away unlike I used to be. I just want my old self back again where I would commute to whereverI'm sorry if this seems like a banter guysI'll take any words to help even if a little.Again I am sorry if this is not much Feeling like I regressed as a person.",Depression +20413,18M and yeah I just want to die I just want to die,Suicidal +20414,I do not care what people say. Autism is a curse. Its a disease. I would take a cure if there was one. It has ruined every aspect of my life. I know without it I would be in a much better place and mindset. A lot of my suicidal thoughts and ideation are a result of issues I face due to this brain disease.I hate it. I wish euthanasia was available for people with autism. Death is the only way to get rid of it. Autism is the worst. Its a death sentence.,Suicidal +20415,I feel hopeless and alone. I just want to lay in bed and end it all In the past I used to have bad days that I would get suicidal probably around once a month and it seems like I feel like this every other day now. I do not know what to do,Suicidal +20416,the world is hell for sensitive hearts. As Goethe said,Depression +20417,"I have not told any family or about this, they have enough to deal with as it is and I do not want to be selfish by bringing my problems to them. I have a couple of friends but I think they would be able to get over it. I worry most for my brother, I am the only person he talks to and if I am gone then I cannot be there for him. Plus, they may think I am crazy and send my to a psychiatrist and I do not want to do that. If I could stop my existence without hurting anyone I love, I would in the blink of an eye. At the same time it is really selfish of me to want this, after all life is not about me, it is about helping my family and others. I want to become a doctor when I am older but my mind keeps chanting the mantra that I am not going to make it to adulthood, and I kind of want that to be true. it is not that I hate my life, it is that I hate myself. Please do not ask me to talk to a psychiatrist or my family about it, I am not going to, I will hide my whatever this is from them for as long as I have to, and do not give me any of that ""It will get better"" nonsense because it will not, you and I both know it is a lie. I just want ways to figure out what to do with myself and whether it is worth hurting my family to end my own suffering. I want to just stop existing, or disassociate with humanity? I do not want to be existing, like I want to go *poof* and be done with it, but not die. I do not want to suicide because it would go against my beliefs and hurt my family but living is pain for me.",Depression +20418,"I have heard countless people saying that they are hungry all day and gain crazy weight. For me, I feel less hungry during the day and crazy hungry at night. I am wondering if anyone on this sub has taken mirtazapine and been able to lose weight. Mirtazapine only makes me hungry at night.",Depression +20419,"The OP had a really bad bout with depression and asked their parents to pay for therapy. They lived on their own but could not afford an extra $500 a month for weekly sessions. Parents could apparently completely afford it. Without their parents money, they did not have resources to go to therapy. Their parents had recently not been providing money and OP could not go to therapy as result. They were asking if they would be an asshole for asking them to send money since their depression was getting worse. OP said the decision to ask for money in the first place was difficult. Everyone jumped down OPs throat and said they were selfish for asking in the first place and that they were clearly old enough to afford an extra $500 or that they needed to find a cheaper therapist. I think the users showed a clear misunderstanding of how much therapy costs and how important therapy is. I do not know It sucks that therapy is so inaccessible and that people are shamed for requesting assistance. As a person with depression, asking for help is hard enough. I cannot even mention that I am going to therapy without people being weird. It sucked to see people saying ""um if you cannot afford it on your own, then you should just not go. So easy"" Yeah, I was put in that situation and it pushed me to the edge. A recent AITA post reminded me of my own struggles with getting therapy",Depression +20420,I am so fucked up. I kind of like something about being depressed. On good days I get mad that I am not depressed. I feel like I am not myself when I am happy I am only myself when I am depressed. Can anybody relate to this? Why tf do I like something about being depressed,Depression +20421,"I do not know what to do anymore. I have been so numb for about 2 years. Sorry to be a downer, but I have tried so many things and I just cannot feel. I recently fell in love, it was my first feeling since my numbness began. However, it is not working out well. I am sad about it because it was the first feeling that made me warm for as long as I can remember, but now that I realize It probably will not work I am falling back into the same, horrible state. I have tried everything. I am not that poor, I have one or two friends that I talk to sometimes. I go to the bar just to drink and go home. But I cannot feel. I am being tortured by my own self. How do I feel again Please help",Depression +20422,"Today marks 1 month since we broke up and there has not been one single day I did not wake up thinking about her. I am incredibly sorry for how things went, how my depression and lack of motivation ruined our relationship. She was the light of my heart. She went through a lot just to support me. She never got tired of me. Never. But things got progressively harder and harder and the situation was just unbearable. We decided to broke up for the better, but I miss her. I miss her so fucking much. I love her and I do not think I will ever stop loving here. And the worst part is that I know she also loves me (or used to) and I cannot stand the thought of knowing I hurt the person I love the most. I want to be with her. These past few weeks have been incredibly taxing for me. Work's shit, I feel miserable and now I do not have the person I used to have to relax and enjoy. All because of my fault. I feel empty, a void that is slowly eating me from the inside. The lights of my life have been consumed and there is nothing more than darkness and the bittersweet taste of what I once had. I do not know how can I cope with that. I am currently going to therapy, I stopped drinking because I promised her I would not fall in my old habits but it is just hard. I do not want to do anything. I just want her. I just want to make her happy again. To make her laugh one last time.sorry if there is anything wrongly written, English is not my main language I miss her so much",Depression +20423,"I am not saying that kind of self harm is not self harm. I am just saying it is not only that.It can be not talking about your feelings when you really want to, not taking a painkiller when you are in pain, avoiding doing things that make you happy, and more. I wish people understood that Self-harm is not just mutilating your skin",Suicidal +20424,"Friends steal from me and blame me for not trying to contact them. I try to get help but I cannot find any doctors near me. Its like the world wants to reject me. My whole life, I have never felt accepted by my peers. Men are abusive and I stay away from the, because they will only find a way to blame me for being a victim. Things just keep getting worse. I just want to go before it gets any worse. I cannot see how things will get better.",Suicidal +20425,I know that my brain makes things and situations feel worse than they are but everything feels so meaningless. It makes me so sad because I really want to have the future I always dreamed about and I am tired of getting sad and feeling numb and thinking about ending my life Tired,Suicidal +20426,"I was about 14, (30 now) when I was first diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. I used to do this thing where I would come home from school every day and cry from the moment I walked in the door until I fell asleep at night. I would literally go about my entire day, dinner, homework, whatever, crying. Obviously, that is not normal, and I really internalized that it was not. But my life at the time was also not normal. I had a very abusive childhood and my emotional responses were all normal of a kid in my situation. And now when I think about all that it just makes me fucking angry that my family's reaction to all of that was to put me on anti-depressants when it was pretty clear what I was depressed about. There was not anything wrong with me or my brain. The problem was my situation. For 15 years it is been the same story. Try this drug, try that drug, go to this therapist and that therapist and rehash the same shit over and over and over again. Nothing really works, because really, very little has changed other than the medications and therapist. I still have a hard time being with family, and I hate feeling completely trapped in the state and country I live in. Now that I have finally got a job that pays well enough for me to take a step back and see what I want, I realize that what I want is to not spend 40 hours a week for the rest of my life working. it is a total scam. and I think it is the real reason a lot of people are depressed. it is a depressing system we live in so much so that they have to drug us to keep us from killing ourselves. After all, who is going to do the work if we all just off ourselves? I have been on more anti-depressants than I can count and I truly believe it emotionally stunted me. Your emotions are supposed to be like an ocean. Mostly calm, but sometimes there are waves. For me, if I was not on something, they were always a total tsunami. I really think this is because I was on anti-depressants at such an early age when it was important for me to be learning how to deal with those on my own. I did not and it really fucked me over as an adult. Recently I was put on Abilify, which seemed fine until I lost the ability to laugh at or enjoy anything. Normally I would describe myself as a very passionate person, but that is all gone. I stopped taking it two months ago. I still cannot really hold long conversations. I do not really give a shit about anything. I guess my point to all of this, is that I think a lot of us who are depressed actually have fairly good reason to be. I do not think it is just some disease that is just happened to become common in humans recently. it is a result of how we are living our lives and what we are able to do. I have always internalized my depression as something that was just my fault, but I think it is really just a result of not being in control of the world around me and not really being able to do anything about all the problems in it. We were never supposed to have 24/7 news about every fucked up thing that happens in the world blasted at us constantly. I hate going to the store and knowing that merchandise could literally be called ""not made by slaves"" but it would totally be made by slaves. Our systems make it nearly impossible to live ethically, and that is too fucking depressing for medications to fix. I have no solution for this, I just think maybe sometimes depression is actually a justified response to fucked up world. \*not advocating for not taking meds, obviously there are people who need them. I am starting to think there is not really anything wrong with me..",Depression +20427,For those of you who have self harmed if a doctor were to find it at a normal checkup what is the steps they take and where do you end up going I would rather know then have no idea where the fuck I am going thanks I have a question for people that Got cought by doctors who saw the scars,Depression +20428,"I am tired of being overprotective of everything in this life, I am tired of warning my family of harmful things they do not pay attention to every time they are exposed to. When I tell them to live longer, take care of themselves, they say being happy is the secret for living longer. My protectiveness is so much that I confront myself with anxiety attacks arising from every detail that I fear. It hurts so much that everything, every feeling. that is why I cannot focus on anything, my lessons fail. maybe death is a way for me to stop protecting myself and let things flow, my faith is so strong... god will take my life when he wants it. But who can prove that not being able to achieve my deeds in this life and that every day is spent with anxiety and fear is less painful than a one-time death? it is so hard that I cannot explain it, I only live it. I am tired of",Depression +20429,"To be free I do not have to die I just need to let go. My world needs to die and my preconceived sense of self buriedmy name means nothing..the world around me is play of pretenders, an illusion. I just am. I exist for nothing. To obtain freedom I must except the fact that there is none. I am surrounded by nothing and Ill die becoming the same so it does not matter what happens next. Its all destined for nothing and I am already there. In my mind, I am already dead. It frees my from the illusion..not entirely but its enough Being sick in this way just reveals the truth. The pain only comes when you fight against itconstantly remind myself Remind myself nothing matters",Depression +20430,"I am so tired of failing at everything.I am tired of being a disappointment to myself and others.it is been this way my whole fucking life...barely passed middle school, failed and dropped out of High School. Got a GED and tried going to college only to drop out because of abysmal grades and horrible anxiety/depression.Went to therapy, psychiatrist the whole deal, it did not fix anything. Got diagnosed with ASD (basically what most people call Aspergers) and got on some meds for awhile.Meds helped a bit with the anxiety but they turned me into a zombie, effectively killing the last two neurons I had left.Dropped the meds and decided to try my hand at college again...it was pathetic, performance was even worse than before and I washed out a second time.Could not hold a steady job during this entire time either. I am so fucking stupid I fuck up even basic tasks. I have Worked a string of minimum wage jobs here and there until now and I have sucked at every one of them.Here I am about to turn 26 and I fucking hate what a pathetic looser I am. (I am a autistic, friendless, borderline unemployed, virgin dumbass who struggles to perform basic everyday human activities)My failures are not just academic and work related. I have never had any semblance of a social life either. Never had friends growing up NOT A SINGLE ONE. I was always alone, it worried my parents, they tried to help but clearly it did not. I have never had a friend, never dated, had sex or even had a halfway decent conversation with anyone not related to me. Every interaction I have ever had has been nothing but surface level politeness nothing more. Not that I would have anything interesting to say to anyone anyway since I have no life experiences or interesting thoughts to share. I have basically been a hermit for as long as I can remember. Everything feels so god-damned difficult and it produces so much anxiety that I basically hide from everything and every failed attempt at anything that want or feel that I should do causes me to sink even deeper into this hole I have spent my whole life digging.I wish I was like my siblings. Successful, smart, loved and respected. My parents would never say that they are disappointed in me, their love for me is unquestionable. I can however see it in their faces; feel it everytime they ask how I am doing or what my plans are. That tone of voice that tries to sound reassuring but instead sounds like they are questioning themselves on what went wrong, why I am the way I am.I do not even know where I am going with this other than the fact that I just want jt to be over. I give up. I am tired of being a damn waste of oxygen. I cannot stand another day of struggling on a shitty job, only to come to an empty apartment and sleep until the next day because I do not have it in me to try anymore...I have tried, for 26 years I have given everything I got and it always failed. My absolute BEST efforts are often less than other peoples ""half-assed"" rush jobs. I am tired of feeling like the dumbest person in every room I am in. I am tired of never being taken seriously. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of never having anything go how I want it to.Some of you may read this and think its impossible to actually fail at everything and yet here I am. The only things I possess have been handed to me out of pity by my family, superiors or just the occasional kind stranger. I have not earned ANY of what I have. It is actually a bit comical how bad I am at just living. My existence has an almost slapstick quality to it, the problem is that while that shit may be funny on screen its actually fucking depressing in real life.So here I am typing this while I think about wether I should buy Helium or a Shotgun. Helium would be peaceful and leave an intact corpse (less traumatizing on my survivors) . But a shotgun seems faster and easier to acquire ('Merica!) but my head will essentially look like someone threw a plate of chunky tomato sauced Spaghetti at the wall... The thing that scares is I will probably botch my suicide too and survive this shit with irreversible damage that will make my existence even shittier...wich is why I am probably stalling myself by typing this shit on here...if only I could just die in my sleep... Failure...",Suicidal +20431,"I hate this, hopefully I will not be here much longer. I wish dying was easy I am so fucking sad for no reason",Suicidal +20432,"My boyfriend is a cop, we live in sweeden where cops got high authority. My boyfriend is abusive, he harrases me infront of everybody and will not let me goHe forces sex, anal sex which led me to hospital many times when I am asleep he just goes in, I lost sleep for days, most of the days i wake up with sexual acts done on meHe hits me all the time for the slightest disagreement, or if i want to go out with my friends he goes enraged giving me black eyes every now and thenHe burnt my father's memory which led me to fight him and tried to punch him because the pictures of me and my father are my only memories of us and my beautiful childhood, but he always hits me back harder breaking my foot once bending my wrists. And knocks me out i cannot do anything to hurt him he is 4 times my size and always threatens to cut my hair and eyebrowsI tried contacting the local police but i ended up being punished for it he kept me locked in my room not letting me go to bathroom embarrassing myself in thereI cannot do anything, I am poor and i have nobody, the only friend i have now is my phone.I do not know what to do with my life or how to get rid of him because i have nowhere else to go. Maybe suiciding in a painless way would really help. If you redditors got any ideas please share them, i could not find any solutions online. 18f, scared of my boyfriend, i need help",Depression +20433,Most of the time i do not have the energy to try and speak up about what I am going through but i feel like i should not have to at this point because I am clearly suffering. Everytime I have tried to seek help they pretend they are going to help me and then do not. I cannot help but feel jealous when i see people talking about getting the help they need because I am pretty sure I am never going to get that. I am probably going to end up kms because I am not even living for myself anymore and I am starting to realise that everything else is not worth living for either. Noone cares and i do not either so what is the point of forcing myself to breathe everyday. When does it end. it is not fair,Depression +20434,"I have been having nightmares where I get mutilated, dissolved by acid or lose friends. They have been affecting my mental health a fucking lot, anyone can relate? And if that is the case, any tips? Unsettling nightmares",Suicidal +20435,"My clown of a dad managed to pressure me into confessing i want to kms and now I am closer than ever. He told me about how he had to cope with his dad dying when he was 14 as if that makes my experience less valid and starts talking about how he doesent ""understand that gender stuff and neither do you"" basically saying he thinks I am delusional then stormed out of the car slamming the door after claiming I had never seen him angry. Absolutely comical I am close",Suicidal +20436,"I am curious if other people are the same as me, or if I am just mentally insane. I will start. I am suicidal. So what do I want? It is pretty obvious. I WANT to fucking die. The truth is, I do not want you telling me not to get what I want. I do not want to hear you telling me ""Things will get better."", because you do not know that. I do not want to hear you deny the bad things I said about myself and list out what YOU think are good things about me, because you really do not know a damn thing about me. All I want to hear from you is that you heard me, and that it is OKAY for me to die. Alright, maybe the second part is a bit tough. I am pretty sure it is against the rule, and nobody is going to be crazy enough to say that to a suicidal person. It certainly not going to help them get better. However, that is honestly how I feel. I just want someone to tell me it is okay for me to escape this hellhole, instead of continuing to endure this suffering. I just cannot do it anymore.Now, what about you all? I want to know what you want to hear from people. Maybe, this will help lessen those generic anti-suicide responds. I know people are tired of hearing it, myself included. I also would like to thank people who try to help others. I know it is tough, since you do not know what the right things to say. Sometime, there is just no right things to say. And that is okay. I feel that Just acknowledging that I exist is enough for me. No need for an encouraging respond or whatever. Suicidal people, what do YOU want to hear from people?",Depression +20437,A really strict mother had ruined her 20 years old daughter life. And there is no any solution left. My mom had fucked up my life,Depression +20438,"it is pretty hard to explain, I do not know entirely where to begin. But I will sum up my life in the past 3 years.I lived in one place for most of my life, one day when I was 14 we had to move due to rent raising where I lived.I have only ever lived with my Dad, I have never had a mom figure in my life and my mom abused me we could never find a place to move that satisfied my Dad the first place we moved to I did okay and was happy, but after that for 3 years I moved to at least 6 different places. 6 different schools, I absolutely hated it. I have been severely depressed ever since then, I started anti depressants and they just fucked me up.Now I cannot distinguish reality and actually see what the fuck I am doing wrong to be so miserable.I honestly am starting to think suicide might be a better option here... I could slit my veins and bleed out, and life would just fade away. what is my problem?",Depression +20439,they bought you into this world and then you suddenly get sick of it. and they do not let you kill yourself. what kind of an asshole move is that?why do you want me to suffer just for your well being and your pleasure? what the fuck is wrong with you? families are really selfish,Suicidal +20440,"I just got fired from my job, my best friend stole the girl I was dating and she cheated on me, my roommate Just moved out now, all of a sudden and I cannot afford the rent, my parents do not ever want to see me again, after they kicked me out of the house for visiting. I am drowning in debt $16k I am debt, and crashed my car (attempt 1).... And I am going bald I am not looking for pity, I am just about had itHelp me, by relaying life stories that are worse than mine Ummm yeah",Suicidal +20441,cannot even get some fucking support without being downvoted. fuck all you all. just saying it straight up. this site is worthless. fuck this website and this world.,Suicidal +20442,"i spent the weekend with my mother at her favorite place (the ocean). she has a house there.i am having a hard time with a past dating experience. it is a trigger that has caused a major deep depression.i express and feel emotion TOO much. it causes quite a bit of mental pain and is exhausting. especially when i get out of a relationship.my mother understands the pain, but cannot do anything about it.continual mental pain of not feeling loved is hard. simply. hard.as i was walking to my front door this morning, i broke down. again. alone. jobless. without a relationship. depressed. this seems never-ending. weekend",Depression +20443,"i(20F) have been faced with a lot of events lately and i feel so stressed it makes me sick. i have to pay 1k for my car to get fixed, I am insanely broke, and i feel like i have no one to talk to. everyone in my life is so critical and point out everything that i do badly. i cry all the time and i genuinely just think I am a failure across the board. is there any ways to stop feeling like this? i go to therapy but i do not see them until thursday. also, any ways to ignore people? specifically family members and not let what they say bother you. thanks everyone need healthy ways to cope",Depression +20444,"I am not ready for the next task, the next day, the next life. i can never take my time, things move too fast for me. i cannot keep up. I have had an extremely tough and busy week, and all i want is a rest. I am not ready",Suicidal +20445,"I feel so alone I want to die. I feel unloved by the people I care about most. If nobody loves me, how can I love myself enough for myself ? Please help me. How to love myself ?",Suicidal +20446,I lost 3 members of my family this year including my dad. My GF just broke up with me and the only reason I am even writing this is because my mom does not have anyone else. I am in my mid 30s. If I hit 40 and things are the same I am checking out. I am sick of trying,Suicidal +20447,"I have felt this way for a long time, I think about suicide for hours everyday. I cry 4+ times a day, everyday for years now. When I reach out to mental health they hang up on me. I have tried calling from other numbers and they still hang up on me. It feels like a sign that I am supposed to have no one to reach out to. I am not sure why I am on reddit writing this, I just need someone to talk to that is not a complete useless piece of shit. I am quite frustrated, I have wanted to die for awhile now. Activity Suicidal Since 5 Years Old",Suicidal +20448,"I am living with this family for almost my whole life. But my biological mother still had custody over me when I was a kid. I am about to move out and I hate the way life works. I was given everything; like I am living the best life a adopted kid could only dream of and I am still having suicidal thoughts. I feel like a fraud for having these thoughts. I am like a parasite. I am not going to kill myself until they die because I cannot bear the thoughts of thoughts of them missing me. Or thinking when they did everything for someone that would make any human being happy or set for life that it was not enough, like they were not enough and I do not want that to happen. So I made an appointment with myself to commit suicide when they are dead. I still have long years ahead of me but I am trying. For them. I am failing my adoptive parents",Suicidal +20449,"Hey there!After a long period of depression and being useless, I pretty much fucked up everything in my life. There is one thing that is left untouched so far (school-wise). It is my last line of defence. On July 27th, I will see whether this last line of defence crumbles as well. If it does not, I feel that I can overcome all of this and start a new chapter. If it crumbles, I am done, suicide would be the only option. For this last line not to fail, I have to work hard these days. What left me in shock is that I have NO MOTIVATION to work even if I threaten myself with suicide in case of failure. I guess that makes me emotionally dead already. The date is approaching and I feel like Hitler in his Berlin bunker in May 1945 slowly waiting for Soviets to deliver the last blow. If you see me here after July 27th, I made it and I have a chance in life. If not - I did not make it. My suicide is getting closer and closer",Suicidal +20450,it is called Persona 5.. The characters in that game feel like my friends. My only friends. I am like halfway through. I am so lonely. A video game is all I got. I feel very pathetic. I hate myself and I want to die. When I say goodbye to them... I am sorry A video game is keeping me here,Suicidal +20451,"My boyfriend is a cop, we live in sweeden where cops got high authority. My boyfriend is abusive, he harrases me infront of everybody and will not let me goHe forces sex, anal sex which led me to hospital many times when I am asleep he just goes in, I lost sleep for days, most of the days i wake up with sexual acts done on meHe hits me all the time for the slightest disagreement, or if i want to go out with my friends he goes enraged giving me black eyes every now and thenHe burnt my father's memory which led me to fight him and tried to punch him because the pictures of me and my father are my only memories of us and my beautiful childhood, but he always hits me back harder breaking my foot once bending my wrists. And knocks me out i cannot do anything to hurt him he is 4 times my size and always threatens to cut my hair and eyebrowsI tried contacting the local police but i ended up being punished for it he kept me locked in my room not letting me go to bathroom embarrassing myself in thereI cannot do anything, I am poor and i have nobody, the only friend i have now is my phone.I do not know what to do with my life or how to get rid of him because i have nowhere else to go. Maybe suiciding in a painless way would really help. If you redditors got any ideas please share them, i could not find any solutions online.Am i wrong for wanting him to die? I am not here looking for sympathy just solutions. 18f, scared of my boyfriend, i need help",Suicidal +20452,"got to pay rent got to pay utilities got to work got to pay attention to take out the garbage so my flat does not smell like a homeless shelter got to do the dishes so the mosquitos do not start a crusade...got to...got to...Ohh c'mon! that is just life! Man up!&#x200B;&#x200B;...want to wash my hands: I am out of soapwanna eat: I am out of butterwanna take a shit: I am out of toilet paperwanna take a break: got a call with my asshole boomer stressed-out bosswanna buy a house: Uhmmmm no... Forget about It, it is not the 1990's...You need to work your way up! Ohh, wait no...There is no such thing anymore...want to buy a car: I do not have a license...want a license: lesson starts on Saturday morning...want to go meet people: it is covid...you have to do this... have to that.. have to, must, have to, need to, must... &#x200B;&#x200B;So when am supposed to live? Is that a privilege? Just to turn oxygen into carbon dioxide. Just to breath in, and breath out. Just to... do what exactly? it is responsibilities that erases my soul",Depression +20453,"at this point you might think, tf is wrong with me but yeah i really hope it happens i hate every human being especially my family for forcing me to live i hope a meteor hits and destroys the whole earth and kill us all",Suicidal +20454,"My brain has stopped helping me. I went from a well known high school James to no job college finished moron. All the masturbation, fantasy, lies have caught up with me. My mother was my only source of stability but after a year of heinous pain by cancer, she was taken away 3 months ago.The failures hang like skeletons over my head. I cannot help myself now, I just cannot. No self motivation. I have dissociated to such a level that I could not recognise myself yesterday morning in mirror. I am not crying but my shoulders are down now. Talking to almost no one now has made me suffer enormous amount of pain everyday. I do not know, I just wanted a normal life but it is gone completely south.Being bullied in college did me no favour. I wish to see some light of happiness someday because now my mind is hell bend on crucifying my existence and I am hopeless now. I have lied to myself so much that my life has been destroyed",Depression +20455,"Do I deserve a woman who loves me? Or do I even deserve love? Yes I am depressed yes maybe I am crazy maybe I have mental problems yes maybe I am completely gone..But I do deserve love right? The only reason I do not kill my self is because I always have this one last drip of hope that on day I meet the woman who is going to save me..but I do not know maybe its never going to happen.. The only thing I need is love,",Suicidal +20456,"Age 47 is not young enough to be considered a tragic loss. The real tragedy is that my attempt at age 13 was not successful.do not mourn my life: nobody cared about it when it was active, so to try and tell me to go on living would be fake and artificial. I have exhausted all options and will be donating my organs to more worthy candidates.Peace out Please respect my wishes and do not talk me out of this",Suicidal +20457,Hey guys! Not sure if this is the best place for this but I am hoping to speak to a doctoral student in clinical psych. I would love to seek some professional help but cannot afford it at the moment and I definitely need to talk to somebody. A referral would be appreciated as well if you guys know anyone. Thanks guys! Looking to speak with a doctoral student,Depression +20458,"Idk if this is the right place to rant but I am in an ""situation"".I am very much depressed and my psychotherapist told me to take things slow. I do but the thought of costing my parents so much money when I am 21 and still living at home hurts so much and frankly, it is stressing me out more then it should. I tried to get a simple job in a store (you know, product stocking, operate the checkout etc.) but they all want you to have ""completed education"" in that field. I got rejected twice even though I applied for the stocking positions.I know I do not have the head for education. Maybe I will when my depression is better but I am at a point where I really do not know what to do to make it better.I get so bitter when I see online personalities get money for just being themselves / being funny.Best thing is when these people say neets like me jsut need to get a job. Bro I am trying. Everything moves so quickly. Everyone grows up except me. I did not get the chance to ""find"" myself in my teens bc of depressionI'm so tired I hate that you need so much for a simple job",Depression +20459,"it is only a win, if you are able to enjoy normal life once again. If you are just barely scraping by, paying your bills and you are completely miserable, then living instead of dying is not a win. Meanwhile I cannot even get happy dreams at night. I am getting tormented even at night. it is not winning imho. I am just cursed. Why is living treated as a win?",Depression +20460,I just want to completely start over just stop talking to people including my family. I am just done with all the bullshit I want to just cut everyone out of my life,Depression +20461,"I am 19 so I am a legal adult but I still live at home with my mother, when I kill myself, is she FORCED to pay for the disposal of my body or can she refuse and make the government pay for it?This is a serious question because I do not want to burden her with anymore than I have to (UK) Would my mother be forced to pay for my cremation?",Suicidal +20462,Me and my friend where going to the cinema today to watch black widow i just could not injoy it is this normal because i feel stupid right now for feeling this way #IhateDEPPRESION Going to the cinema with a friend,Depression +20463,"it is so fucking bad! I have the best job I have ever had and I still want to blow my brains out or leap off the top of our apartment building every second I am fucking there... I make good money, I can bs plenty on the clock and no one bats an eye and I can watch utube all I want and it is cool there. does not change the fact it is still god awful and the alternative is less appealing it is just such shit man. I am baffled people continue having kids knowing full well they will have to go to school and lose their soul then become a slave for dirt currency If life is not miserable enough already work is just the icing on the unholy cake man",Depression +20464,#NAME?,Suicidal +20465,"In my mid 20's and worked shitty jobs all my life in my locality. I do not have any prospects, and no pathway to something to drag me out. do not even have a general area to pursue, which makes it difficult to even get motivated or hopeful. The past year has been even more isolating and difficult, and I feel like a she will of a person now. If I am not in work it is difficult for me to even get out of bed, cos I do not see a point anymore. Talking to friends is triggering because I do not even remember the person I used to be when I was alive, so I have pulled away a lot from them. I do not know how or where to begin, or if I even can get back to a position of existing beyond living on autopilot. Being reminded of events a few years ago is like reading about a stranger, and I do not even know who I am anymore. it is hard to express this, and I do not know if anyone will understand or relate to what I am saying, but I feel totally lost and hapless at even expressing my current outlook and emotions. At a certain stage I will not have it in me to even keep this up, cos the struggle is gnawing away at me day by day. Is it too late?",Depression +20466,"Saw a post about hating anti suicide stuff. Guys girls and esteemed non binary members. I have been there. I have already a suicidal attempt under my belt, spent years living with depression until I followed up with a professional. SUICIDE IS A LIE. None of my problems got fixed. I just became able through medicine to face them and face myself. do not play with the idea of suicide. We are a community of support. Its ok to feel the feels but there is a fine line between accepting my emotions and letting them influence me. If you are financially secure follow up with a professional if not find a local organisation or community to provide you with said support. Live long and prosper brothers! This too shall pass! Lol anti suicide stuff",Depression +20467,I have been trying to help people here. And i thought maybe getting people to tell about their stories might help I want to help people here. Tell what makes you depressed i could help.,Depression +20468,"I am too depressed to start anything, go anywhere.I do not even remember when the last time I was genuinely happy. I am all alone with no one and nothing by my side. I feel like I am dead inside. I do not know where to go. I have nothing to cling on to... My Language skills are deteriorating. I cannot even speak coherent anymore...My thoughts just careen about...self harm, death, destruction, chaos....I just need people man...i have no one, nothing... I am alone",Depression +20469,"Ironically, this does not make me feel any more loved. It makes me feel manipulated and happy that the people who want me alive the most regret holding on the most, making us considering them ""selfish"" for only wanting to stay in our lives to fulfill their own desires. Please let me know if anyone else can relate so I do not feel crazy for thinking this. ""Killing yourself does not end your pain. It passes it onto someone else.""",Depression +20470,"I feel like I have posted this before a while ago but idk, I just want it out of me. I have been suicidal for about 9 months now. I know how I am ending it, I have got some notes, and I have a time frame, sometime after this year is over to when I hit 30 in a few years. For as much as I have been told I am fortunate or good I just do not deserve any of it. I am trash, I am worthless, and I always have been. Nothing more than a foolish and desperate boy trying to prove he is not garbage by doing whatever he can to be proud of himself. And he never will be. Shutting everyone is compliments out because they make my brain ache from the conflict of what they say and what I know. Id just rather end it than live in agony or disappoint everyone anymore. I have vowed to enjoy what I can for the next few years get better at making it seem like I am happy, that I am pulling out of this temporary depression that is been around for years. I have got plans for the next year or two of my life but who knows if Ill be around long enough to see them through? I sure do not. Idk, I just want it off my chest. I do not know what to say.",Suicidal +20471,"I do not know what I am going through. I have a lot of things that other people would wish for yet I feel I have been given nothing. My life has been a never ending struggle. I know we all fight our own battles but mine, it just never ends. I am 26 year old and I have stopped living. At this point of time, I do not feel happy over anything because of so much that I have seen in my life. I feel afraid seeing any good thing in my life because I know, worse is coming my way. it is just a never ending cycle for me. I get blessed with a good thing, a super worse thing come along it as well. I do not know how much more I can take it. I am not going to kill myself until I have a family. I cannot make them feel worse seeing my lifeless body but when they will not be around, I have plans. I am sorry if I sound like a disappointment but trust me fellas, I have tried to be happy, I have tried everything to change this but I lost. I do not know",Depression +20472,"For me it is an eternal pre occupation with personal problems which no ammount of ""coping skills"" can distract me from. What about you? what is everybody miserable about today?",Depression +20473,"Recently my mother asked me if I was afraid of dieing. I told her part truths. The part I told her was no I am not scared of death, we all are going to die at some time and it means there is no more pain or taking medication to get through the day. The part I did not share is that I actually have thoughts of ending my life daily. I would not act on it as I know it would traumatise my nephew and he calls me his best friend. Another reason is because I am scared of not being successful and ending up trapped in my body. My mind working but I am unable to communicate my wishes so I have somebody else making decisions that they believe Id want but in reality is what they would want me to want. I had a cancer scare and I decided before getting the results that I would not receive treatment as I personally believe life has been wasted on me so no death does not scare me. I am not scared of death.",Depression +20474,"I do not feel alive, things will only change for the worse and I do not see anything worth living for. I am way beyond help. You can help people who still have something that holds them here. I only have the guilt of causing pain to someone close. I am like a pet that starts to grow out of its cage and you sort of want it to go away already because it is really aggravating but if it died you would still feel really guilty.With the way my life turns out I am in emotional pain every single day. I would not want to live any of my days again. Even the things that are supposed to be fun feel like a chore I must coerce myself into. Often I wake up thinking about how I am going to go to sleep at the end of the day. I have got a psychologist that wants me to abandon whatever left of me there is to ""be happy"". Therapy has made me more depressed. I have been told that I am not gay and that my life choices are naive. Which I am and they are, but instead of receiving help and advice to cope I have recieved the smug ignorance of someone who treats modern problems with century old culturally derived methods. I have learned that hope is an illusion and only serves to control others. I cannot tell want from should.I am not made for human contact, it is always either completely surface level or deeply painful. Though I know I desperately need it. I think most people have a guiding something in their life that helps them cope with the shit life throws at them every day - I do not have that. I am not just lost, I do not think anything other than being lost exists, I am in hell. Nothing has ever changed, everything has rotten and I really only want to not wake up tomorrow, to not see it again, to not have to walk through it.Sorry for the rambling I tried to put paragraphs at random moments to make it easier to read. If for some reason you read it... probably because you are thinking about it too. And here we are supporting each other. I want to die",Suicidal +20475,"Everything just keeps getting worse and I do not know what to do, it seems like there is no hope and I should just give up hope.I have written a suicide note already but I am scared of the people Ill leave behind, I do not want to hurt them. Is there a way to die without hurting those around me at all? I do not know how to cope anymore",Suicidal +20476,"I am 45. Lifelong depressive, absolute failure at everything I ever tried but dogs. Got my first as a pup 12 years ago, rescued 2 more since. One died (aged 18 in her sleep thank fuck) and now I have 2 Shibas - 1 12 the other 13.they are the only reason I have not topped myself but probability suggests they will not be here in a year. I did try an insulin suicide when I only had one, but I panicked about him, rang the fuzz and spent 2 weeks in hospital. It was agony but I was so happy to see my boy again. So much so I rescued another Shiba as a reward for my beloved boy and as a further reason not to try againthe problem with staying alive for your dogs is that they do not live very long and at 12/13 that dark moment is on the horizon. And they truly are my everything. I am asexual and have never been in a relationship and never will. The loneliness is real and insurmountable, but the love of my dogs is very very real. The only thing that keeps me goingbut like I say, they will be dead in a year or two and are irreplaceable.I am a type 1 diabetic so have mounds of ammo to kill myself, trusty old insulin but also I am on the dark web where I get weed and pyschadelics. (These actually make me feel better, so do not blame them). But I can easily get enough smack or meth to definitely finish me off. I did a dummy run last month. Smoked the skag to see if it worked, and as an opioid addict for pain reasons (oxycontin for back pain) it did. So I am all primed for a serious attempt.the problem is that my old dogs are very much alive and they are the only reason I am I am in a bind. Any advice??? Newb do not do social media but minutes away from heroin/insulin overdose, hence new account. And again dogs are the question",Suicidal +20477,All that I have got is abuse and hurting my friends and family. My family have literally been in tears scared that my psychosis is going to come back because of how fucking traumatising it was for them and also me. To top it off I am 15 and i kind of just get treated like its hormones and get lied to its horrible. I am going to kill myself over these voices,Suicidal +20478,"so just as an introduction to me I am a 16 yo Bisexual furry and I have been suicidal for 2 years and i decided to finally seek some helpive had several suicide attempts which all failed as you can guess mainly because i called help in the last minute. i still have all the scars that remind me of what i did every time i take off any of my clothes all feelings I have felt in that moment come back up and its not the most comfortable thing. every time all those feelings come back up the suicidal thoughts come back with it so far that i sleep in my clothes and shower with a blindfold.I am not sure how i can keep living with that and id like to be able to shower while being able to see which shampoo bottle i use.ever since I have come out the closet as a bi Furry my friend circle has shrunk immensely and i cannot really deal with that and i do not want to put my burden onto the shoulders of my 2 last friends. I am pretty sure its not too healthy but i do not know how to really deal with it.that is pretty much my story and i hope i can get some help in here.&#x200B;this is a throwaway account but i will check the inbox at least once a day for the next 7 days. 16, bi furry and a lot of problems",Suicidal +20479,"After looking online for over a year and applying to jobs after quitting my tier 4 job due to depression and anxiety of starting that new tier 4 job, I am now closer to finally obtaining a job. it is a Tier 2 job. Here are the positives and negatives of that Tier 2 job:**Tier 2 job.****Pros:**\+Transportation is one I have done before and only two buses\+The job is in a department that I would like to work in\+The job is one I have done before and have actually done a Tier 3 and Tier 4 job before, so the stress level would not be as high as starting a higher tier job\+Because it is a Tier 2 job vs a Tier 4 job, I could pass probation potentially easier, thereby giving me tenure in the job**Cons:**\-it is a step back in position from my tier 3 and 4 jobs\-The money is about half of a tier 4 job**The problem is this:**I have an interview for a Tier 4 job tomorrow.**Tier 4 job.****Pros:**\+The pay is twice what I would make at the Tier 2 job\+I should be at the Tier 4 job given that I both qualify and worked at a Tier 4 job over a year ago (before quitting due to depression and anxiety)\+The job is a job that I like, in a department that I want to work in**Cons:**\-Transportation is longer than Tier 2 job (3 buses each way)\-Tier 4 job (like my last Tier 4 job that I quit) would most likely bring higher stress than Tier 2 job\-Traveling is nearly half of the job**I need advice on what you guys think, which route to go, and any wisdom.** Need advice concerning which job to potentially pick.",Depression +20480,"I will not abandon myself to thinking it is normal or ok to be suffering so much. I will not allow myself to believe it is an aspirational thing to be bawling alone. I will not allow myself thinking being isolated is aspirational, just because I am in circumstances which make isolation very desirable. I will not abandon myself to be swallowed up and consumed by other people's plans for me. I am in control of myself and I choose my path. If I want to get out I must make a small step everyday towards this, and not get caught up in being overwhelmed, to forget cariring for my health, beauty, friendships, career. I know my goals and making steps towards them and feeling terrified, is better than making no steps towards them and feeling calm/distracted. Life is messy anyways, at least we can help each other get to a better place while the messiness occurs?",Depression +20481,"Then you are required to deal with all shit you went through on your own.Without any support, without being apologized to.And then, when you finally snap, they will think of you as a weakling, but will never admit it.They will be officially vewy, vewy sad.Fuck this world, fuck people, fuck superficial ""families"" and ""friendships"". People who hurt you, hardly ever acknowledge it.",Suicidal +20482,I think about this a lot today. The scene in frozen where he says this and everyone laughs. I never got the joke. I imagine myself in a cartoon land falling forward and being impaled in the head and that being it. Olof I have been impaled,Depression +20483,"My family does not care, my close friends do not really talk with me and I am really just staying alive for my cat. I turn 26 next month and the last birthday only my parents and one friend kind of remembered (they did not know the exact day). My friends support me going in to a ward to check myself in but that is about it. I am functioning but still depressed and i just...i just want someone other rhan my mom and one friend to care. I just want to feel important",Depression +20484,"I am thinking of getting escort for the first time but I am still a little hesitant. I was hoping to hear some of your experiences, if it was worth it or not, how to set it up/pay, etc.Ideally I would like to put it on a credit card since I do not have that much cash. Is that even an option? Like would they charge it as some ""massage"" service and allow me to pay with card? Or would it be cash only? Has anyone here hired an escort? Was it worth it?",Depression +20485,"Its been awhile since I posted here. Years. I have been having some wild highs since then and occasional lows. I got to a point where I prided myself for the fact that suicide was no longer an option. This year has been insanely rough though. A lot of fucked up things have happened. For a moment I felt like I have finally found a way to maintain myself. Financially, mentally, and physically. I was very healthy, exercising and on top of my obligations. The pandemic slowly stripped away a lot of that, as I was forced to find a new routine, and new work. Met with the same endless cycle I once was.I started getting known through the online gaming through a friend who is found success there. I kind of threw myself into these communities as I was feeling lost and it felt as if they gave me support, and laughs. Fast forward a bit and I end up streaming myself, with a lot of support off the bat.Its been about 5 months now, and I find myself with a very active community who is very loving and supportive of not just myself but all of us. I could not be more proud. My friends are the best. However, as someone who is suffered with depression and suicidal tendencies most of my life I have been feeling quite a lot of pressure to maintain this community. I have been lucky enough to make a living off of it , nothing astronomical but enough to have the freedom of working for myself, which I prioritized as a means to continue growing. Even if I am struggling.The last couple months have been exceptionally difficult though. I have began drinking heavily at times, I mean 5 days a week. I told my moderators about this and explained to them why my schedule has been inconsistent, they responded with love and support and I promised them Id correct it and prioritize what we have built. Its been about 5 days since then, I have not drank at all but I have been feeling mega depressed. Suicidal thoughts keep popping up and I am feeling exhausted all the time. I could not imagine the impact something like that would because not in just my community but the platform itself. I feel very selfish. But no one knows the true extent of what I have went through and why Id want to do this. I do not want to hurt anyone but I have been truly debating driving my car off one of the beautiful cliffs and moving on. Suicidal thoughts while having having nothing but love and support from my online community",Suicidal +20486,I am suicidal but I do not want to die :/I want to live but I just hate my life :(( Hello,Suicidal +20487,"Does all of this go away one day? Does your fear of finances, work and hoke life just stop worrying you some day? I want to believe there is hope and a light at the end of this very dark tunnel but i just do not know anymore Does it ever get easier?",Depression +20488,"My brother has been struggling with suicidal thoughts since March of this year. Before confiding in me, he had been seeing a therapist and had not gotten any better. He was struggling to sleep at night so I slept with him every night for two months. I let him vent to me, he cried in my arms and Id wait for him to fall asleep before I did. Unfortunately I had to put my life on pause for all of this so that I can help him out as much as I can. After multiple failed suicide attempts, I decided to Baker Act him for three days until I found a facility that could house and treat him. While hospitalized, he was put on antidepressants and has continued taking them since then. After he was released from the hospital I had him stay in a treatment facility for about a month. He stopped sleeping there but he continued to go the facility every weekday for about six to eight hours. After receiving treatment from this place for a few months, he says he has not gotten any better. Since the start of all this he has become so heartless and cold towards me. He told me the only reason hes alive is because killing yourself is very difficult and hes failed every time. I begged him to promise me he will not try again and he says he cannot make that promise. I love him more than I can put into words, and every time I tell him that he does not say it back. I feel like I have tried everything I can. I am desperate. I do not know what to do. Apart of me feels like its time I take a step back because maybe I am being overbearing and I need to let him figure this out on his own. This has taken so much of a toll on me that I have had to seek therapy, as well. I do not know what more I can do to help him. My 19 year old brother is suicidal and I am desperate to help him.",Depression +20489,"I can actively want to do it, but then I jump out last minute, I can bring myself to have everything needed to do it but once its time i am unable to, is anyone else like this? Why is actually killing yourself so hard",Suicidal +20490,"Hi, I am 23 M from India. Recently my brother 20 M has been acting weirdly. Tonight he told me to take care of mom as he might not live longer. I kept asking him why he said that but he did not respond. Its past midnight now and I cannot sleep. What should I do? He is sleeping right now in our room. What could be the reason for my brother's weird behavior",Depression +20491,there is a lot Id love to write out and share but I have stopped seeing the point. It will not change my circumstances sadly. The end is near for me. I can feel it. I am very sad that its come to this. Wasted potential. Good luck everyone. Try whatever you need to. Do whatever it takes to feel better. Exhaust all options until there is nothing left. Not even myself anymore. Not someone I recognise. Goodbye So much I want to say but too tired to write,Suicidal +20492,"Hello everyone, i hope everyone has been feeling a little less shit than usual. Recently i have been upset about being numb. I hate that i have not felt any real emotions except occasional crying/sadness , for years. Does anyone know how to cope with that/ make yourself feel a little bit better? Thank you.. Asking for advice.",Depression +20493,"My parents took me on vacation to Greece in the hope that I would be happy here. I have always wanted to go here and I think I will be happy here, but it is terrible here. this place is like hell. Everyone and everything seems to be so happy. It was my dream and I very like this place but I am still so sad. I still have suicide thoughts. My sadness does not fit in here so i pretends I am happy. I did not deserve this vacation. I cannot enjoy things anymore I am on dream vacation and I still want to kill myself.",Suicidal +20494,"Back in march I wrote my final suicide letter. I decided I would not do it, I finally found a good therapist and I finally felt like my fianc understood the depth of what I was dealing with. On saturday I did something that upset my fianc and he brought it up with me today, I became self-destructive and wanted to read it as some kind of sick confirmation on how stupid I am and how the world is better without me, since the note is pretty fucking destructive. It gives me some kind of sick peace but it does bring me suicidal thought which I do not like. What do I do? I just cannot seem to make myself delete it... I read my suicide note... again",Suicidal +20495,"cooking everyday has not been easy for lately. I just have intrusive thoughts when I am cooking. ""Why am I cooking and feeding myself everyday if I am just going to be depressed? go kill yourself"".So I just cook one meal and eat like instant type of food for the rest of the day. I have heard some ppl cook their entire week of meal in one go but I feel like the food will go bad after 3-4days. Does anyone have cooking hacks?",Depression +20496,Anyone else have their partner dump you because they could not handle your mental illness? I understand his reasons and I do not blame him but at the same time it hurts. It just makes me feel like a bigger burden than ever Dumped,Depression +20497,"I have depression and anxiety, and have attempted suicide multiple times in the past. I can tell that I am starting to go back to that place and i sorta just want to end it all. Stop this cycle and just sleep, my mom does not help and she does not even know she keeps hurting me. I can even think about my life without me starting to go back the rabbit hole thay is my mind. When someone ""helps"" its just them saying i should just be happy and I am so lucky for what i have. My home life is not horrible but that does not mean its good. I just want somone that i can talk to that will listen. I do not know what to do",Depression +20498,i feel generally fine except thoughts of wanting to end my life lol does anyone else ever get like this can you be suicidal without feeling depressed?,Depression +20499,How can anyone NOT be depressed with this bullshit??? Nobody learns ANYTHING. I am ADHD and cannot focus on SHIT! I FUCKING cannot SIT HERE AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN FOR HOURS ON END! IT IS MISERY! My University has lied to me TWICE now saying classes will be online! I sit in my room for 12 fucking hours a day doing the endless amount of bullshit that people throw at me on zoom. I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT! IT HAS RUINED MY MENTAL HEALTH COMPLETELY!Sorry just had to rant FUCK ZOOM,Depression +20500,"there is my girlfriend, but I am terrified ill mess it up, I am scared that my self harm is going to make her want to leave me, and even though its online, she makes me feel safe and actively cared forI have all my friends, both real life and online, and they have known i struggle with feeling accepted into friend groups, especially since middle school, i got bullied and called fat and disgusting by people who used to be my friends, so my current ones have included me as much as they can, even if we do not listen to the same music, have same hobbies, I am still apart of the group, and I have never felt so happy in my lifei have my family, my two younger brothers are the sweetest and nicest little boys I have ever met, but both my mom and stepdad want me gone, they are both abusive and do not care if i kill myself, my stepdad told me i was a coward and i should stop saying ill do it and just do it if that is what i wantand to admit it, i do want to kill myself actively almost everyday because of them both, and i do self harm on my arms daily, multiple times every few hours, all because of just them mostlyi also have my cousin but my abusive stepdad is trying to cut off all family so it would be just my mum, my brothers and ii fought tooth and nail to get a therapist and she is been the nicest woman ever, but i feel like cannot tell her anythjng because my stepdad will threaten to kill me or shoot himself if my brothers get taken away, everytime my mum tried leaving him when i was younger, he would say he would hunt us down and take back his kids (his kids being my brothers, not me, just them.)He manipulated my mum too, she was not the greatest, but she was still a mother towards me when i was a kid, but ever since he came into my life she stopped caring about me almost entirely and never sides with me anymore, never notices how my stepdad manipulates her into listening to him or doing what he wantsmy mum got us into a womens shelter, but my stepdad would call everyday and night, he harassed my sntire moms side of the family, tried tracking us to find out where we were, he manipulated me into begging my mum to come home, and we did, then shortly after, the druggie neighbour we had would visit every day, and after we found out he was sexually abusing my brothers, he fled the country, and my stepdad focused entirely on my brothersmy mum listens to everything my stepdad says now, hes made her believe i am a no good slut (I have never had sex in my life.), he kicks me out almost every week now and takes my phone so i cannot call my friends or family for help, so i end up going back. hes made my mum believe that it was my fault my brothers got abused by our neighbour because i was manipulated into going homei want to be taken away, I am only 15 but everyday since i was 7 I have hurt myself, I have tried killing myself, i do not feel happy with myselfi literally want to die, to take a knife and end it, but i do not want to make the people in my life who actually care about me cry, for them to feel upset, i just want my parents to be replaced, but i do not want to ruin my younger brothers' lives by having them put in an abusive foster homeim sorry for venting so much, its just, why is everything so fucking hard I have many reasons to live but i still want to kill myself daily",Suicidal +20501,"... And I still want to die.do not get me wrong, life is great.. sometimes. It has its moments. But the past 7 months has been nothing but down hill...The love of my life was assaulted and raped, and she would not let me try to help her.. she stopped going to therapy, convinced herself that she did not deserve me, and five days ago she vanished. Nobody can find her... I have been absolutely worried and stressed out sick, literally. I have had to leave work multiple times due to throwing up from the stress.My dad got remarried not even a year after him and mom got divorced, and now I have three strangers living in his house with me. I feel like I have to be confined to my room to avoid them.. God, I fucking hate them so much. they are so loud and inconsiderate to me..All but two of my friends have left me due to trying to come to them with my problems, since I cannot afford therapy or my medications anymore. I have two weeks of meds left, and after that, I am going to have to figure out how to live without them. I am so scared, because these meds are the only thing holding me together anymore, even if it is just a band-aid fix.I have had a lot of what I thought were rock bottoms, only to have a deeper, rockier bottom underneath... So I guess whatever happens next was meant to be. I called the suicide hotline last night.",Depression +20502,I have just been feeling really worthless lately. Physically mentally emotionally everything. I wish that I could just sleep all the time and not have any responsibilities..hate feeling as if I have no friends. Just feel worthless,Depression +20503,"Heyo there!I try not to think too much about my depression but as of late it seems late I am going further and further into a bottomless pit of despair.Some background. I am 35 years of age and for about 10 years of my life well since about 20 I was living with my grandmother and taking care of her. Scrounging by and doing all kinds of jobs to make money. My dad committed suicide, we were not close so I was not too overtly affected by it. I got his life insurance policy so I used that money to pay for my expenses. It lasted me about 10 years and looking back I was pretty neglectful with my money. Anyways moving along to about 4 years ago. I apply for Federal Student Aid and that helps me out. I am getting college paid for as well as getting money to keep me afloat. There were a few close calls when I could not pay rent due to not having enough financial aid. Now to recent times. I learned that I no longer have any more financial aide and that my father before he passed ruined my credit so I cannot even qualify for personal loans. I have enough to last me through the year but after that. I have no resources to keep me afloat. I work at Target and I pretty much told them I need to work all the time because it will be the only source of income. But working retail is not very stable. I have no degree, no financial backup, nobody to help me and I am an anxiety/depressed mess right now. That and I do not know of any places aside from factory and sales that I could work where I make enough and is pretty stable. I feel like I am just going to be a giant mess with nothing and nobody come next year and that is scary as hell.I am scheduled to see a professional and I basically am going to see if they can help me get my life on track. I am old and I feel like it is too little too late. If anybody has any advice or anything I would greatly appreciate hearing from you! I mean at this point I am just stuck we are in endgame now",Depression +20504,"i said too much. i said too fucking much and ruined it again. maybe this is it. maybe i have found the will to let go. maybe i can finally have the courage to end it. but as he always said, who know. i should have just shut up",Suicidal +20505,"I am 23 and I have been battling with depression since 2008/9 but was not officially diagnosed until 2018 when I decided to finally get help. For the longest time I was terrified because of the stigma behind mental illness. I did not want to be seen as less than just because of my depression. There is so much that has contributed to my depression that I do not know what it is anymore. Between being bullied in school and at home, to growing up in a violent household, to being sexually assaulted at 17, to the loads of bullshit my father put me through then leaving and not having anything to do with me, and so much more, its all been bottled up so much. All I want to do is isolate away from family and friends. I do not want anything to do with anyone anymore and its hard for me to hold a conversation. I am surprised I have been making straight As in college (I am working on my second college degree) and a 4.0 GPA with all of this going on but to me that does not help or validate me in any way. I feel so lost and I feel like suicide is my only way out, but I cannot do that. I have a 2 year old daughter who needs me to stick around and the ONLY reason I have not attempted to take my life in the last two years (I have had failed attempts), is because of her and only her. I just do not know what to do anymore.. I am losing..",Depression +20506,"""The two of me""There are symptoms, affects, reasons why,people have been diagnosed as having more than one personality on the fly,One minute I am me, or on the outside I am me, but inside I am so distant,Me here says, acts, truly means one thing in this instant, The hidden thing, person, the being inside of my head,speaks, warns, screams, cries, wants to lie and stay in bed,Me on the outside smiles, laughs, jokes and is the mountain to hold the weight of the others,Inside is all turmoil, storms, tears flow, sadness lies behind the eyes, unlike the heart of mothers,Protectors, compassionate, empathy, sheltering, caring yet emotionally just so full,The inside cannot come out, cannot be seen, cannot be real, yet charges on like a bull, In the way I do, I write my words like rivers flow,my tears, my anger, my hate, my fear, my loneliness, my emptiness, hides but wants to blow,The storm grows and builds and cries and screams in a room that no one can hear,The protector, the comedian, the man who stands in front of you all in the positive cheer,who is the real me, is there meaning, is he important, is he needed,the affection, the outreached hand, the hug that never is enough, the inside never depleted,In the end, this has not been heard, this sits on my desk, or hides in my drawer,no time to cry, no time to be real, no time to be me, just here to be the hero on page four,I am lost, I am losing, I am falling, I have tripped in the mist, Days are dark, days are lonely, days are a cage where I am or I may not be,In the end, there is only one thing I can conclude, there is two of me.... The two of me",Depression +20507,"that is right pal! I used to be like you, sulking and whining about how unfair life is. But unlike you, I just kept my chin up! How easy is that? Whenever I had a negative thought, I would just remind myself if I constantly thought like that, then I would be an embarrassing loser forever like *some people*. Thank god I am not!Anyway, just wanted to share my success. And remember, suicide is selfish! Go ahead and think about how sad the liquor clerk is going to be when you are dead and no longer buying liquor. Who are they going to serve to?Words of encouragement! My life is good, so yours must be too!",Depression +20508,"Why do I have to do this alone? It would have been so helpful to get someone to share my last moments and someone to answer the questions that may arise afterwards. They will speculate and they will accuse each other. But eventually they will move on. Even if it was their fault. There is no justice in this world, at least I got to know that Why is it so hard",Suicidal +20509,I just got prescribed Prozac for my depression. Any one have any bad reactions to it? I am nervous about it. Medicine,Depression +20510,"I have chronic depression, anxiety, and soon-to-be diagnosed ADHD. I have tried therapy on and off throughout my life but after a few months I get sick of it. I have been doing therapy over the phone once a week. At first I was excited and now I dread it. I am an introvert and I do not like talking so a whole hour of it is torture for me. I also noticed that venting makes me feel worse instead of better. I want to stop therapy but I know if I do Ill eventually get even worse. I am not taking any meds at the moment because I tried 3 different antidepressants already and none worked for very long. What do I do? Just toughen it out? I do not think therapy is for me",Depression +20511,"Finally set a date to end my life in August. Just quit my job and currently sitting in my car, it feels like such a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.I want to enjoy the last few weeks/months of my life doing things I have always wanted to do. I have a $5000 credit limit on my credit card and I am going to max it out before I go. I am thinking of going to a nice steakhouse, maybe sushi a couple times, skydiving, and a couple other things right now. going to add some more stuff as I think of it. Just quit my job, going to enjoy my last few weeks on my own terms",Depression +20512,"I will start by saying I am not going to kill myself. I want to. But I do not have the motivation or follow through. As with most of the things I do in my life. I start things but rarely ever finish them. I have lived most my life with this but it is gotten to the point that I not only welcome death, I desire it. I know this is fucked up but I find myself feeling jealous of people who die in unexpected ways. I think, when is my turn? I long for it. My fight or flight has been deactivated. I just do not care about anything. Life seems to enjoy my misery. I have had my fair share of accidents that could have ended in my death but did not. I am sad each time I wake up. I am a disappointment to myself and everyone I know. I am miserable to be around and I cannot ""fake it to make it"". I am only ever slightly happier when I am completely alone. People make me uncomfortable and I have a hatred for most animals. This is not me reaching out for help. I have given up on that. I just wanted to tell my short story somewhere. Even if no one reads this. Death would be mercy",Depression +20513,"Tired when I wake up, tired during the day, tired after work, tired when I go to bed.Just want to stay in bed and never get up again.Feel like my head explodes, it cannot handle every day business anymore.Was very closed to write my therapist an mail but he has holidays so I will not disturb.Every time when I feel sad and tired, the other day I think I get better but tbh I never was. Otherwise I would feel a lot different.Afraid that one day I lose my job or my home etc. Everything goes well currently. But I am so fucked up, my body is fucked up and my brain is dead. Tired all day long",Depression +20514,"Nothing seems real. I feel empty. And today I just broke down in tears and decided to go home. I am on citalopram but what is the point. what is the point when my life is literally empty and I go from feeling numb to overwhelmed to a snotty, crying mess ...I am pathetic and ridiculous. I just want all this to end. Burst into tears at work today. I feel like I am going absolutely insane.",Depression +20515,"I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was 9 years old. Ever since my dad passed away its been like a rolling snowball effect. I have been trying to get my mom to help me find help for it but she insists that there is nothing wrong with me and I am just sad every once in a while. Therapy is extremely expensive where I live and I do not know if my insurance will cover it. I have been trying to distract myself with two full time jobs as well as full time classes in University hoping that Ill be able t just run away from the feeling, if that makes sense. Does anyone have any advice on how to convince my mom to help me? I do not know what to do. What do I do?",Depression +20516,Title pretty much lol Voices are making me want to shoot myself,Suicidal +20517,"My major depressive disorder is spiraling out of control. Either no one understand/or they do not know what to say so I have just stopped telling people. I am scared and tired of feeling this never ending misery. I am scared and in agony. Usually when I have felt like this in the past it passes rather quickly, but for the first time ever it has not been residing, and this is going on for a few weeks now. Anyways take care all. I hope that you are all doing well. Try to stay strong. Not sure I can do it much longer",Depression +20518,"I know my mental Health is just like this for the rest of my life its been like this for a very long time, its not going to change talking has not fixed it working out has not fixed this, therapy have not fixed this, hell even posting this is not going to fix it noting will, probably my last post, it do not help anymore, I am truly alone with my struggle, and there is noting anyone can do to help me, goodbye thanks for all the help over the years, I guess I got no choice but to do this alone now Knowing that I will inevitably kill myself makes it hard to be happy about the present",Depression +20519,"For a few months I have had the desire to end it before my birthday. I am not happy with my position in life.The woman I love, cheated on me, abused me, and now even has an impending court case against me.I live in a place that I do not want to be.My job has become unfulfilling.I am uninspired to write and record my album.I am in pain. I have so little motivation to do anything. I turn 25 a week from today",Suicidal +20520,"I am have no real friends, no one to meet irl, no one to hang out with and the only people I interact with is my family and the occasional cashier. I have a small group of ""friends"" that I play games with, but I have no one to meet with and its lonely. Where I live, there is nothing to do so its not like I can go out and find friends. I am stuck like this. I am going of to a city for Uni in september so there is chances I will meet people there. But I do not think I even want to. The thought of socialising with strangers and meeting new people just does not interest me and I have a strong feeling my depression is going to get a worse dramatically. As my living area will just be a small bedroom. Just trapped in a small room with nothing to do. rant over I have no real friends",Depression +20521,"Therapy is fucking dumb.You go to this random ass person who knows nothing about you and you know nothing about themAnd what am I supposed to do? Talk about my feelings?TALK ABOUT HOW I FEEL?What do I sit here and tell you how tired I am, how painful everything is and how I truly, truly do not want to be here anymore?I tell them how I spend my day crying? How every bit of stress sends me into another panic attack?And then fucking what? THEN WHAT? They tell you how to deal with it, what you mean fucking breathing? Counting back from 10? drawing? Going for a walk? Talking about it?How are any of those things supposed to stop me from killing myself? HOW IS SUPPORT GOING TO STOP THIS?Talking about it does nothing. I still feel everything. It still happens every day. Talking does nothing to stop it.They prescribe you with meds, you still have to go and talk to them. what is the fucking point? Therapists and therapy are all bullshit",Depression +20522,"tw self harm, blood, gaslighting (???)But it feels like the only option I have. I cannot live in this abusive household anymore, my mom has outrageous BPD symptoms and she remains undiagnosed, I am so fucking upset with how she treats me, I tried talking to her as calmly as i could about going to the carnival with my cousin (whose family she despises because my dad convinced her all of the outside family is bad and they are going to judge their toxic relationship) and because i do not want her to get mad, i tried being the nicest i could, but she had to blame me for everything bad that happened to my two younger brothers when we both had no idea it would happen when we came back here from the womens shelter and I am just so fucking mad she is allowed to say ""oh i do not remember that happening"" ""your dad never hit me"" ""i do not remember you saying this"" ""you are makimg stuff up again""then when j start crying because it feels like my mum beyrayed me, and i start sobbing between words and shaking, and talking louder because she is talking over me, she says she will call the cops on me and say I am psycho and i fuckingn godsddddddd whyyy whyyeu there was a time she was nicer but now that I am 15 she treats me as an adult I have literally self harmed so MUCH in the past few days on my one arm because of her, and after that fight i came upstairs and did it about almost 15 more times because i was crying that hard, she does not know i do iti have a therapjst and i teied calling her but she did not pick up, and my arms sting but I am not going to die, i just cannot believe my mum is a fucking assholei want to tell my therapist evertthing about the abuse but if i do my brothers will get taken away and I am so scared i domt want them getting more abused in a foster Home i just want my family back to normali want to be admitted into the psych ward because I am scared ill hurt myself worse and cut deeper, but I am scared ill be hit or beaten by my dad if he finds out i cuteverytime I have tried telling him i wanted to kill myself he would tell me to stop talking about it, and that I am being a coward and everyone in this household is depressed, and I am not special, and I am sorry for making this long I am sorta crying inbetween words here, i need to get this off my chest, i domt know how to get better, i do not know if telling my rherapist i cut myself will get cps called, i do not know if telling her i want to activsly kill myself will also get cps called (I am I am canada), i domt even know if i should do it i fjcking cannot stand both my parents and thw abuse and neglect and I am so fucking scared I am going to do it one day and they will pretend it never happened, i wanma do it to show how awful theyvw treated me but they wknt care if i dieim going to clean the blood off my arm right now but I am still terrified and crying, meanwhile she is pretending thw whole argumwnt we just had, mever happened, and she is making lunch for evrry one but me, and dads at work so idk I dom't want to do it",Suicidal +20523,I just cannot work up the courage to kill myself while they are alive If it were not for my parents or siblings id probably be dead in a ditch somewhere.,Suicidal +20524,Just posted something depressed on a subreddit because of how I experience something. And of course you will get the basic: money will not make you happy and you need to view it differently basic trash. I responded how I looked at it and I got downvoted. Like you mf think I chose this stupid life. And if you want to help someone: do not discourage their experiences by downvoting but just talk with them normally. Done with these preachy bitches,Suicidal +20525,"I have suffered from chronic depression caked with anxiety for my whole life. it is an inherited thing, so no getting rid of it. Maybe I will not have kids, but I try to look at my life as a gift with an obstacle. When people do not know you have depression it is like they feel the need to point out everything that is wrong with you, and when you are happy you do not understand how important that is to you.it is so hard for me to find something that lifts me, but I have realized that there are things that exist for each and every person that feel like a calm bubble of air after drowning for what feels like an eternity. it is hard for other people to understand why I get so happy over things like this, even my friends who suffer with the same thing as me, but I am so happy because for a short moment I get to experience joy and I want to savor it and feel the breeze of relaxation on my nerves. The thing that cheers me up the most is music. If life were perfect everyone would be kings and queens and everyone would be allowed to dance and have fun while listening to it all. I cannot speak for everyone but I can say that this gleam of light has made me feel so much better about life. Maybe some of you guys who suffer with depression can think about something that makes you guys happy and try to make the most of it from now on.For those of you who feel like me, what things lift you up and make you happy? I appreciate everything that makes me happy",Depression +20526,"I have been struggling with my mental health for a few years, and have made very little headway in finding a way out. I suspect it is more complex than simply depression, however I am continually being let down by the NHS mental healthcare and am prepared to go private. I have decided it would be appropriate to acquire a diagnosis so I can try to undergo therapy or medication that may be more suitable to whatever it is I am dealing with. Could anyone recommend any good psychiatrists or anyone else who is trained to diagnose mental health conditions in the East Midlands area of the UK? Good psychiatrists in the UK, East Midlands",Depression +20527,"This year was my last year in high school. I did not give it my all, so my grades have fallen quite a lot. And now its kind of hard for me to apply for admission to universities and colleges because my grades are down compared to the average. However I am sure Ill be accepted in one at least, that is not the problem.The problem is my family, they are so disappointed in me to the point its suffocating. My mother always keeps nagging me about how no universities will accept me. She keeps reminding me how I neglected my studies and that none of my siblings have ever been through what I am in right now. She just makes me stressed and makes me feel like I should just disappear. I know she has been taking care of me but she is unbelievably negative. She just keeps bringing this topic day and night to the point I wonder how come she does not ever get tired. You see, I used to get good grades until this year, actually almost perfect grades like its normal and I never really tried so hard to do that. that is because I was paying attention to the classes, that is why I did not need to study that much really. But this year since it was distance education I could neglect my classes and I have done so. that is why I am full aware its my fault that my grades have fallen and my mom is not really wrong. But I feel like there is no way out. I cannot go back in time to correct my mistakes. I need to move on. But I cannot. My mom already decided its done for me. Why? I just want to get rest. I am worn out. Why should she make me want to end my life. You see its not only this, I also have other problems besides education but it will never end if I keep on. I just want to know, do I not deserve rest? Do I have to just kill myself because of my past mistakes? Does my mother have the right to do this to me? Should I just let it go because she cannot control her resentment of me?Its not just her, they all keep bringing this topic even if they are not overreacting like my mother. Honestly, I have already lost motivation to do anything at all by now. I do not even feel like resuming my education even if I got accepted. These days I think I have angina because I have been having chest discomfort and cold sweats for kind of long periods although I am not doing anything so I just wish Ill have a heart attack soon enough to get rid of this tiring life. I hope it was just about education, everything is just so tiring and this family of mine does not help at all. Even though I am just trying to keep my business to myself and never sought for their help, but they just keep sticking their nose into my life without really helping me. I hate my family",Depression +20528,For those of you who have self harmed if a doctor were to find it at a normal checkup what is the steps they take and where do you end up going I would rather know then have know idea where the fuck I am going thanks I wanted to ask a question for those of you who have had depression for a long time,Depression +20529,"I am depressed but I do not want to kill myself. I am just depressed. I do not complain about it. Sometimes I feel good. Sometimes I feel bad. I get really bad manic depression sometimes but my face ALWAYS gets commented on. ""Cheer up"" ""you look lile you are about to cry"" even though I am not... I could be feeling great that day and somebody will make a comment. I have been hearing it constantly at work, by new people I have met. Like I are not happy but I am not trying to be Unhappy and I wish It did not annoy other people! But today really got to me, never had this in my entire life. Foreign guy to my country walks past me and starts laughing and fake crying while making a crying gesture... only me and him as I am walking past him. At first I am thinking he must be on a phone call... no way some guy is this loopy and could be so cocky...I could of seriously hurt this guy. I wanted to throw everything away and seriously hurt this guy. What the fuck is wrong with people or is it just me Another man walked past me today...I was very close to doing something stupid.",Depression +20530,"as someone who is objectively unattractive, i know i will not be able to live the life i want to live. that is why I am going to end it. but i just want to know what people think. is this a good enough reason? is being ugly a legitimate reason to kill yourself?",Suicidal +20531,"My life is going nowhere. I lost half the money I had been saving up over the past year from my full-time job in the stock market because I am stupid. I absolutely despise my work because all it is done is show me the lack of compassion in the caregiving world and how little I am valued as an employee. I have let it ruin me mentally because I am scared of quitting and trying to find a new one, lacking any self confidence that I would be able to do anything else. I have isolated myself and no longer have any friends or anyone I talk to outside of my family. I cannot form close relationships and everyday am depressed, anxious, and stressed out about my life, the world, and the current state of my mind. I have failed at nearly everything I tried, and now have to work a minimum wage job because I blew the opportunity to graduate college and find a good career. I put off living life and becoming an adult. I have no skills, hobbies, or interests. I am awkward and cannot express myself emotionally or intimately with another person, so I am a virgin who has not been in an adult relationship. I see no reason not to smoke, eat and drink myself to death. I am such a fuck up and have shattered my hopes and dreams and ability to have any sense of normalcy for my life. The best option is to get the gun, go out in the forest, and shoot myself in the head before falling off a cliff. Everything about life is just so absurd and I hate it. Seriously thinking about buying a gun online.",Suicidal +20532,I am so fuckinh stressed. And all my hair is falling out and I am eating a lot bc of stress so I am fuckinh gross and fat and ugly I am so angry. My dad is a fuxking scumbag I hate him. Everytime he talks to mme its back handed or hes screaming at me. Him and my entire family went on vacation without inviting me even though I am 17 and live with them at home. I have cleaned tha apartment so many times and he and my siblings continue to trash it and get mad at me for it. And he left it a fuxking disaster when they went on vacation and I had to clean it and within 4 hrs of being back they destroyed it again. I am so fuckinh tired I cannot do this shit anymore holy shit I think I am going to finally fucking kill myself because it seems when I am hospitalized or open abt being sucidalnis the only time people care about me. I do not know how but fucm I need to figure out a way I cannot do this shit anymkrw I cannot do it anymore. I planned on waiting til my 18th birthday to do it but I might just kms tonigbt,Suicidal +20533,I am going to do it i need help,Suicidal +20534,My fiancee recently broke up with me in the mental institution after my recent suicide attempt. I feel so hurt and heartbroken. I feel like no one's going to love me for who I am. I want to die so badly. I took my antidepressants but they just do not seem to be working. I want to be held and loved again. I want someone to just hold me tight in their arms and say that they love me. All we really want is to just be loved. that is all people really just want. I just need someone that will love me and see me as an amazing human being.,Suicidal +20535,Somebody doing same? Refreshing page every few minutes just to check if there is new msg? Refreshing page just to check if no new msg is there,Depression +20536,"Yeah, I want to live until I am 100. I want to suffer forever, why not. The pain gets worse with age...",Depression +20537,"So in all of the years I have been struggling with this illness, I have never been substantially more depressed in the mornings when I wake up than I have been throughout the remainder of the day. Over the past week or two, I have woken up just feeling absolutely horrible, but it fizzles out and is not as intense by the end of the day. I cannot put a reason to it. Its so confusing Morning depression?",Depression +20538,"I was alone, yet again. I grabbed a lightbulb and did not feel anything. I went to grab a knife. I cannot remember what happened next, I woke up in bed, the knife by the side of the bed and a bloody nose. I do not want to kill myself, I just cannot see anything getting better. My family cannot even look at me anymore. I was close last night.",Suicidal +20539,"I am struggling, Every. Single. Day. I wake up sometimes around 10:00am-12:00pm. If I sleep past 8:30am my husband comments on me sleeping late, or he plays with my cat aggressively until she is squealing and growling. I have massive mood swings that come with terrible sessions of sobbing. My husband becomes very annoyed with me and tells me your 21 you need to figure out how to not act like this.He calls me lazy, he calls me a bitch, he calls me disgusting, he also calls me crazy which make me break down much more than anything else.I have BPD and its a recent diagnosis. I struggle with acting normal, with talking and interacting with people, I could sit at my house in my bed for days, even weeks and I would only want to sleep more.I do not like being around large groups of people. I have few friends: my husband calls me controlling because I do not always want him just leaving me. And when I ask him where hes going he often says,why does it matter I feel more and more worthless everyday .I ODd two weeks ago but still woke up. I am just the failure my mom said Id be. The self hate just gets encouraged by my spouses hate",Suicidal +20540,"Sadly nothing's improvingMy DUI case has finally come up (read my post history) after a year ... I show up, they want to have me wear some kind of patches that detect drugs over the course of a year. they are expensive, and I cannot afford them. I am supposed to show up again for everyone to argue this over again in two weeks.This DUI is for an anxiety prescription that I took as instructed, that had an unexpected reaction. I only took it once. If COVID-19 had not happened, I would not have needed the medication.I have been not taking anything for anxiety and have just lived with them several times a day. I was even given a prescription that should not have any of the effects given by previous medication, but I have not. I am too scared to take the chance. I am running through my savings and will likely be homeless. That means this is still going to be on my record for a year and be dismissed. The problem until I can get this dismissed it will still be hard to get a decent job, any job. I have already lost jobs I applied to over this. I will not be able to get this expunged for a year. I feel like everything is conspiring to make me homeless and die on the streets in the near future. it is a sign for me to give up.As I said earlier; I am already the walking dead and I just need help my body to catch up to it.More and more I am thinking it is time. Time for me to leave this life. I am thinking two weeks from now at midnight.I am a failure at life, I wish I could tell everyone I am sorry before I leave. I just do not see a way out.I am just venting, sorry to bother anyone. Update: Soon I am going to be gone. COVID-19 ended my life, and I did not even get sick.",Suicidal +20541,always there reminding me that it will be with me for the rest of this life Deep rooted pain,Depression +20542,"I do not see any point to continuing. I have made it to middle age, I have no children and I am divorced. There is nothing new under the sun. For the rest of my life I will have to experience my body and mind deteriorate. I do not even know if I can retire in anything approaching comfort. And I am so alone and tired. So very tired. Everything is Fading",Depression +20543,Sat at the drive through at freddys and just cried.. why? I watching a couple at the apple bees across the street and asked myself why do not I have anyone? Why does no one love me or want me? I have dated girls on and off.. my last one was my one. I loved her more then anything or anyone. She cheated lied was selfish a classic narcist and yet I stayed with her till she left. Now I sit back and just wonder why am I not allowed to have someone? To be happy? To at least achieve partial American dream.. now I am a single parent who is trying his best but feels left out in life. Sitting back watching others with complete families and me... go without. I dunno anymore. what is so wrong with me? Why does no one like me or love me? What is wrong with me?,Depression +20544,i have not felt like myself since probably the beginning of freshman year. nothing feels the same and time went by so fast I am jus constantly stuck in these thoughts of confusion. i am going into my senior as a 17 year old. i have experimented with drugs a lot to escape a little but i think all that did was make things worse because when I am on drugs i feel better but when I am off them i feel even worse then i did before i took them. everytime i try n be sober i cannot never escape it because i do not feel like myself being sober and everyone i have ever known love to party or smoke weed. and i just do not really know what is next i have a good job and a good future i just do not know when I am going to stop feeling like this I am going insane lol,Depression +20545,"The fire burns inside your head,The words yell and makes you want to be dead,When they say we are our worst enemy that is true,Our heart knows what to say to deep scar you,The sea swirls during the worst of storms,Bees are busy but anger them and they swarm,Chaos and anger are easy to see,But depression and loneliness are hidden in me,I vent out in rhyme, words and even in games,But the lion roars inside me and needs to be tame,These bursts of words help me share my pain,My head hurts and heart hurts more than a sprain,I know there is light beyond my dark,I just patiently wait to see the spark,The moral here is we get lost through days and nights,But there will be that moment the sun comes at you bright,Darkness beware, be afraid because it is true,I have light and love from all my friends even you. The life of a restless mind",Depression +20546,"I recently moved to a new state and applied for a few jobs and got an offer from an office. I have not accepted it yet because now all I can think about is the bad stuff. I have no experience in an office, what if I hate office work. I do not want to get stuck in a job that I hate or suck at what they need me to do. My anxiety is kind of running wild right now. Just wondering if there is anyone else out there that have gone through a similar situation. Kind of freaking out",Depression +20547,My mental health is very bad lately but I cannot find the energy to do anything about it. My doctor is so exhausting. I do not know how to talk to her anymore. She does not listen. I am tired of feeling like shit all the time and I am tired of trying not to feel like shit and I am just tired of being. cannot find enough motivation to get help with my mental health,Suicidal +20548,"I am 15 and I am depressed since last year. Its not that much, but it simply hurts. Every single day hurts. I have been thinking of committing suicide since march this year. I cannot do it. I know i will not just do it so i choose to stay here and numb the pain. How do i do that? I light up a cigarette when i feel like I am at my worst. But i guess I am starting to get addicted. When i feel emotional pain, i crave for a cigarette so badly, it seems like the only way to make me feel better. And you know what other advantages smoking and probably other kind of drugs are going to bring me? they are going to finally kill me. I hope i die in my early 20s or something like that. I do not think you can get a disease from smoking in your teenager years. I am so messed up. I do not know what can truly help me right now, the pleasure those cigs bring me lasts a few hours. I do not want to get locked up in a hospital. What am i supposed to do? There is still a good side in me, a side that still wants to live, but this side is weak as fuck compared to the negative one.Sorry if i bothered anyone, i had to tell someone about it. You know its bad if you have to use drugs to numb the pain",Suicidal +20549,That look like a dumb question but what are your reason of still want to live What is the yours reason for living,Suicidal +20550,"Things were better for a little bit but now yesterday I had a nightmare which brought up my panic again from everything that is happened. I am alone, no one close enough to talk about it with. Whenever I think I end the thought with some form of ""I want to kill myself"". God I hope this panic does not become a daily thing again. The two things keeping me going are my cat who might have a weak heart and my dnd game which might be falling apart. I do not think I will last long, everything's too draining. Back here again",Suicidal +20551,"I have a sibling with BPD and psychosis. she is been suffering from depression since she was 12 years old and has attempted suicide multiple times. she is gone to multiple therapists, psychiatrists and private clinics. None of them have helped. Her arm is covered in scars and her mood swings are common despite her taking her meds. She constantly calls everyone around her selfish for wanting her to be alive when she does not want to be, and the only reason she is still alive is because we make her feel guilty(I read people on this sub do not like that phrase, so how else would you communicate your concern?). What can I do? She seems adamant, by refusing to believe she can change and is convinced this is what the rest of her life will be and that she will never know the why.I have literally no idea what to do anymore, how are things going to change when she just shuts everyone out and the fact that professionals could not even make a difference? Seeking help and advice.",Suicidal +20552,"I have called the suicide hotline three times in my life. All three of those times, though through no fault of the caller, I have felt less listened to and heard than if I were to just ramble to my friends or internet strangers.'Active/Reflexive listening' is a good tool when people use it correctly, but what I have been met with when calling has been the basic 'I hear _' or 'you sound ___'. Yes, I appreciate your insight, but I do not need to be told my feelings when I want to slit my wrists while listening to my favorite songs as I black out from loss of blood. Does anybody else have this problem of eye-rolling when trying to seek help? I feel so selfish and frustrated at the same time. I have a therapist, but manic depression prevents me from caring about my meetings. I force myself to log on, put on a smile, and try to be insightful about my problems until nobody's eyes are on me again and I can take off my mask of mental health again into the faceless being I seem to be identifying with more and more. I am just so tired of everything. I am tired of human interaction in general. I do not know how to keep my energy as it and most of my positivity ends up jumping ship as soon as it can. I am tired of putting on a strong face and of bottling up all of this overdue crying I do not let myself experience. Once upon a time I would have loved to hear a friendly 'everyone fucks up, it will be okay' but now I do not want to hear anything. I want to lock myself up and stare at the ceiling. I want to impose prison time on myself so that I am less responsible for a life I do not care about. I do not want my corpse to be found. that is the most honest reason for not dying already. My family's reaction. My sister's disappointment when she is dealt with this as well. But, I do just not want to wake up. I want a heat seeking one person disintegration missile comet type thing to just do its thing.I will probably call the hotline tonight and roll my eyes again. Pushing away positive changes as I always do. Ignoring things I do not want to hear. Pretending the past is not the curse tainting any chance at happiness because I was afraid to try. Taking solace in the fact that we all eventually disappear. Meanwhile browsing tiktok lives to get noticed by strangers and attain a slight bit of validation that will end up disappearing in the air like all of those exhales after smoking - anything to numb my head and my body. I want to let myself cry, but I am worried I will never stop at this point. I am alone. Truly. But we all are. Not sure of the point of this post now as the walls of dissociation come back up. Thank you for reading. Thank you for still breathing. Thank you for being a part of this community and being vulnerable. The Suicide Hotline and Other Selfish Rants",Suicidal +20553,"Hello, I am not currently in crisis, but my emotions have been a rollercoaster recently, and I figured I should know what steps to take in case it does suddenly get much worse again, and I have self-harm impulses.I have had outpatient therapy for years, so I know how that works, but have never needed inpatient care before.How do I find inpatient emergency mental health services in my area (preferably that take my state insurance)? How to ""submit yourself"" to inpatient emergency care",Depression +20554,Essentially I want to more than ever but I am terrified of what I know is the right thing. It will destroy those in my family and friend circle that care and I owe them too much of inflict that pain. I did make a pact with myself to end it by 30 if i have not figured out a way to cope. I have not But I am torn. Slow suicide and continue to drink smoke and work myself into an early grave and hope that is easier on my circle or bite the bullet and rip the plaster off quick.Not really asking a question or for help just throwing my thoughts out into the void Nearing 30. The age I told myself Id do it if I did not figure things out.,Suicidal +20555,"Not sure if this is the right place to post this but for the longest time I have been experiencing those thoughts or rather daydreams about harming/offing myself . I have not thought much of it before,afterall I am unfortunately prone to suicidal ideation but lately it has been increasingly becoming a problem as I catch myself planning to do this or that and possibly acting on these thoughts. This week,I have been going back to college to sit for some tests and I suddenly realized how big it is and how far off the ground the rooftop is, and I realized that if I do jump ,even if I do not die instantly,by the time they will find my body I would be dead if I choose the right spot to jump from because it will take a long time before they cover the whole campus. And Now every morning I go there,I get attacked by these thoughts and get very restless and in need of excuting them,it feels so tempting,almost like a forbidden treat and I cannot stop thinking about it all day . Yesterday,I have almost jumped on autopilot, I do not even know how and when I climbed the stairs to get to the rooftop but on the way to my destination an upperclassman saw me and we had a chat.I only realized what I was about to do after he left,and decided to just try to distract myself and stay present by not staying in isolated areas. This happened again today,I could not even trust myself to go to the restroom by myself because there is a pretty high bridge nearby . I am not particularily concerned about hurting myself or dying,but I think accidentally killing myself in public places is unfair to others attending these places,I will probably traumatize someone for life and burden the staff working there with so much paperwork and a series of issues regarding my corpse, is there anyway,to stop having these thoughts so persistently in public areas like this?shit like this usually keeps me up at night and it is really depressing and annoying but acting on it without any awareness of myself is really an issue I would like to avoid. Repetetive thoughts about killing myself and not realizing that I am acting on them unless there is some external intervention?",Suicidal +20556,"I am dumb, lazy and bad in everything. I do not have passions, hobbies, dreams or joy in general. My stupid brain feels lonely since I am to incompetent and lazy to maintain most friendships, but that is my fault ig since I am to annoying and boring to be want to kept around. I feel like an empty she will, playing half-hearted some roles while hoping to just die quickly.The suffering of this world makes me sick, I do not deserve anything good, would be best to just delete me out of this world. Since I am probably not going to kill myself any time soon I started to hurt myself, idk just felt right to feel the pain.I am sorry for my parents to have such a useless disappointment as son, they do not deserve this. Ig they just got a bad lot in the child lottery, a bit more luck and they could have some absolute great son/daughter. I am a worthless waste of resources",Depression +20557,"I feel so safe in this subreddit. I do not even feel that I truly fit in here since I am too scared to end my life and I have never had an attempt. But I feel safest sharing my thoughts here so maybe that counts for something. People on other subreddits just say to seek therapy. I am just really tired. I am really, so tired. there is too much for me to handle now. And I am afraid that I am not strong enough. I am actually much weaker than I thought a person could ever be. The fact that I am way too scared to ever end it, to just get it over with and stop hurting makes me feel even weaker. I cannot believe this is real life. It does not even feel real, it is that bad. My mind cannot handle how bad it is anymore, that it just feels like a dream or a video game constantly.Too weak to have healthy relationships, too weak to find a job (let alone get a job), too weak to have confidence, too weak to not care what others think, too weak to stand up for myself, too weak to confront my parents, too weak to get past anxiety, too weak to be in my own head, like fuck... even my own head is not safe?And to top it off, too weak to even trust myself that what I am feeling is real. I know I cannot fake feeling this low but I do not trust myself to say that I am not faking it. Or that I am just looking for attention or being dramatic. I know my dad would say that but I am too weak to blame him for it. it is just easier to blame myself. Just say that I am being dramatic.My last resort is antidepressants. I cried when talking to my counselor about it. I told her I never thought I would ever have to ask for this, ask to be prescribed happiness. But I am out of options.I really cannot tell if life just happens to be this shitty for some people, or if I deserve it somehow Just venting",Suicidal +20558,No grandiose speech. No sympathy asking essay about how I hate my life. Just a simple goodbye Goodbye,Suicidal +20559,It never really goes away I am back,Depression +20560,"Literally none. Idk what to do anymore. Nothing will make anyone around me happy. I am sick of being a financial burden. People are either irresponsible or angry or both, and I cannot do anything about it. I cannot fix anything. I have no escape, and I just cannot do this anymore. I have no reason to live",Suicidal +20561,"My mental state has been up and down since then. Now, at 20, I have all the desire to kill myself but none of the motivation or energy to do it like I used to. I am too tired. I have ample reason to do it - failing university and if my parents find out they will kill me anyway, hardly any friends and get the feeling that the ones I do have do not want me around. I know that could just be me, but I do not want to live with the feeling of nobody wanting me around either way. there is not a second of the day where I do not feel too hideous to be alive, and even just seeing people with conventionally nice bodies makes me spiral. I cannot live with myself, but I also do not have it in me to kill myself. Even if I did, I have gone through enough attempts to know that it would not work. I feel like I am stuck here and I hate it. I wish I followed through back when I was capable. I was determined to not make it to my 18th birthday, and I was strangely proud of myself when I did. Now I regret it.",Suicidal +20562,Yep. Tonight. Tonight,Suicidal +20563,"me and my girlfriend are in pretty similar situations right now and i do not even know how i can help her. i feel so useless because she is the only reason I am still here and i cannot even do anything to help her. she thinks that no one cares about her, but she is literally the only one that i care about and i love her so so much. is it bad that it hurts this much when she says stuff like that? its not her fault that she thinks that, and i know that, but its so difficult to hear sometimes. i cannot stay clean from self harm and I am just starting to hate myself even more for it. my scars look so ugly and my legs are never going to go back to normal. i just want to die, but I am scared of what might happen to my girlfriend. i have letters somewhere for everyone that i think needs one, I am just too much of a pussy to ever do it. i just do not think i can do this for much longer i cannot do this anymote",Suicidal +20564,"The day that I off myself its going to be so liberating, until then I am on autopilot. Soon done",Suicidal +20565,I should clean my house but I do not want to. Smallest tasks seem impossible.,Depression +20566,"no one pays attention to my creations. not online. not in real life. people do not have time for me. people do not recognize me for my art, writing, and the things I work so hard to make but I know I will not make it into any museum like the artists who lived their whole life alienated and died to be famous. I feel like nothing I do has any real value. I have fun making art sometimes, but no one wants to see it. no one wants me. I feel like I am delusional to feel like I have talent and skill in these things I have practiced my whole life when no one else sees it. people do not want my art or writing, but it also seems like they do not want me as a person. how do I live with the feeling of loneliness and how do I deal with the idea that no one will care when my hard work turns to ashes when I finally die? living my life unaknowledged only to be forgotten when I die",Depression +20567,I cannot love him so I am going to hell anyways. I feel like I am getting signs from him to just end it before my punishment in hell gets worse. Nothing makes sense I feel like God is telling me to kill myself,Suicidal +20568,The one thing i hate most about being undiagnosed is i get all these things to help me cope. Like take a walk or do this when I am feeling depressed. I have a new therapist who is a temporary one while we look for a permanent one. And so i cannot get meds even if i wanted. But people do not understand that I am depressed most days and i hate the days that I am actually happy and forget about my problems because the depression is soon to come back. Its weird. I have a boyfriend and we have a great time sometimes and other times he sees me upset and wants to help but he cannot. I hate when people offer ways to get through it when they do not understand that it effects everyone differently. And yes my bf does make me feel better when he stops what hes doing to try and comfort me for whatever reason I am depressed. He trys his best to help me get through it and I have asked for help from this therapist and online I have googled ways to help. Most of them are the same of go for a walk get some sun light do something you enjoy doing. But the hard part is finding the motivation to do any of that and its like they do not understand that. My bf kind of gets it because hell come cuddle or hell rub my back because he knows its hard to get out of bed for me. I am just tired of people thinking that everyone with depression is the same. I am tired of people assuming,Depression +20569,I hope you all have a terrible time. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,Suicidal +20570,"It hurt. It took a while, but I did it. I might wait a bit longer to do it again, but I know I will do it again soon. I cut myself for the first time",Suicidal +20571,I was so proud of myself for doing well for a month. I had one of my best days in a long time over the weekend. Boom the next day I started to spiral. How do you go from loving life to thinking about ending it. I have been putting on a fake smile at work and to my friends but I do not know how much longer I can Fuck these depression relapses,Depression +20572,Just thinking about how I can do it. My narc dad is really pushing me to end it. Really on the edge,Suicidal +20573,"that is it, nothing stops this sadness Still hurts",Suicidal +20574,"Hey guys, I am not depressed but Id like to know how a depressed person thinks. I am feeling really resentful towards my bfs ex who has depression as she tried to reach out to my bf for another chance at the relationship and to get him to help her with her depression. i feel like it was unreasonable for her to come back to his life when they are not together anymore and it just makes me hate her. My bf says she is depressed hence he let her down nicely or talks to her carefully because hes scared she will kill herself.I know I am being somewhat of a bitch rn, so please help me understand how a depressed person thinks because rn I just want to fight her Help me understand depression",Depression +20575,"I feel so sad and empty, and when I do not feel that I feel empty. Nothing bad is even happening right now and I still feel bad. What is the point? The pain just does not fucking stop",Suicidal +20576,"1) In 2011 my best friend passed away in a bike accident at that time my age was around 15.That incident really affected my mental health badly and now still after 10 years i am really depressed about that thing.2) I wanted to become a Professional Football Player but tbh i never gave my 100% and after my friends death i started to stay at home and made my house comfort zone.Lost contact with all my friends and with the girl i loved(My First Love)3) Talking about my First Love i first saw her in 2005 and i had little bit of family drama with her family also where her parents came to know about the thing i liked/loved there daughter.Her Mother was nice and just because i was a kid my age was probably 11-12 she said this is not the age to do love and these kind of things there is proper age for these kind of things.I apologized to my crush on fb and she did forgive me.After almost 1-2 years we became friends but there was a problem my one frnd was now her bf and they both were in a relationship.At that time i accepted the fact that with my crush the only relationship i am going to have is of friendship and nothing else.But somewhere deep inside i felt when we became friends and got to know each other personally she liked me but was waiting for me to make a move.4) In April 2021 while having a chat with my friend i get to know my First Love/Crush got pregnant and had done abortion recently.That news really fucked my mind up,i feel really bad for her bcoz her behaviour towards me was very nice she did forgive me and when i made the move for friendship she accepted me without any hesitation.5) I have health issues(Asthma and Diabetes) and my doctor has recommended to start exercising.Having Asthma was one of the reason why i gave up on my dream of becoming Professional Football Player.6) I have been having suicidal thoughts from past 2 years but now i feel universe is trying to help me in achieving my goals and trying to help me in my love life by giving news of First Love being Pregnant and Abortion.Doctor advising to start exercising i can take these things as positives and work on building and achieving my dream of being Professional Football Player i know it is bit late in terms of age for starting a career in sports but i want to give atleast one try for the things which i loved and that is Football and my First Love.I do not want die having regrets.7) there is a huge 10 year communication gap between me and my First Love because after 2011 after my best friend's death i made my home comfort zone.I have cried after hearing the news of her Pregnancy and Abortion i just want to talk with her and see her.I am not in a hurry of becoming her bf first i want heal/help her mental health/career wise.I want to marry her.But because we have huge communication gap i fear does she remember me.8) I have planned few things to make her remember times of us being friends and tell her my love feelings through it (Like for eg:- About the day when i saw her for the very first time) editing pictures(Written in story format and cartoon) and video edit (Stop Motion Video).But first i am going to try and build a bond with her like we had 10 years ago and i have plans to help her by giving her tips for growing her business and then i am going to express my love feelings towards her tbh from last 15 years she knows that i love her it is just i have never confessed my love to her face to face.( Please do not tag me as a creepy guy i have written everything what i really feel) ( Big Sorry for my Bad English i tried my best any Advice would be welcomed ) Life is trying to give me a second chance.Should I try my luck ? (Thanks In Advance)",Suicidal +20577,All invisible did not exist. You put yourself here. All the rant is because you liked living in danger. Figured,Suicidal +20578,"i do not even feel like a real girl, what is the point. I am just so unbearably tired",Depression +20579,"1) In 2011 my best friend passed away in a bike accident at that time my age was around 15.That incident really affected my mental health badly and now still after 10 years i am really depressed about that thing.2) I wanted to become a Professional Football Player but tbh i never gave my 100% and after my friends death i started to stay at home and made my house comfort zone.Lost contact with all my friends and with the girl i loved(My First Love)3) Talking about my First Love i first saw her in 2005 and i had little bit of family drama with her family also where her parents came to know about the thing i liked/loved there daughter.Her Mother was nice and just because i was a kid my age was probably 11-12 she said this is not the age to do love and these kind of things there is proper age for these kind of things.I apologized to my crush on fb and she did forgive me.After almost 1-2 years we became friends but there was a problem my one frnd was now her bf and they both were in a relationship.At that time i accepted the fact that with my crush the only relationship i am going to have is of friendship and nothing else.But somewhere deep inside i felt when we became friends and got to know each other personally she liked me but was waiting for me to make a move.4) In April 2021 while having a chat with my friend i get to know my First Love/Crush got pregnant and had done abortion recently.That news really fucked my mind up,i feel really bad for her bcoz her behaviour towards me was very nice she did forgive me and when i made the move for friendship she accepted me without any hesitation.5) I have health issues(Asthma and Diabetes) and my doctor has recommended to start exercising.Having Asthma was one of the reason why i gave up on my dream of becoming Professional Football Player.6) I have been having suicidal thoughts from past 2 years but now i feel universe is trying to help me in achieving my goals and trying to help me in my love life by giving news of First Love being Pregnant and Abortion.Doctor advising to start exercising i can take these things as positives and work on building and achieving my dream of being Professional Football Player i know it is bit late in terms of age for starting a career in sports but i want to give atleast one try for the things which i loved and that is Football and my First Love.I do not want die having regrets.7) there is a huge 10 year communication gap between me and my First Love because after 2011 after my best friend's death i made my home comfort zone.I have cried after hearing the news of her Pregnancy and Abortion i just want to talk with her and see her.I am not in a hurry of becoming her bf first i want heal/help her mental health/career wise.I want to marry her.But because we have huge communication gap i fear does she remember me.8) I have planned few things to make her remember times of us being friends and tell her my love feelings through it (Like for eg:- About the day when i saw her for the very first time) editing pictures(Written in story format and cartoon) and video edit (Stop Motion Video).But first i am going to try and build a bond with her like we had 10 years ago and i have plans to help her by giving her tips for growing her business and then i am going to express my love feelings towards her tbh from last 15 years she knows that i love her it is just i have never confessed my love to her face to face.( Please do not tag me as a creepy guy i have written everything what i really feel) ( Big Sorry for my Bad English i tried my best any Advice would be welcomed ) Life is trying to give me a second chance should i try my luck ?",Suicidal +20580,I had been through weeks of lockdown and was feeling really good from the insides. Now here I am again...lower than ever. cannot even put my mind to work.I wish I could regain myself and just do better for myself. Hitting my lowest.,Depression +20581,"i cannot even help my s/o. they are in a similar position to me.i cannot even help the sole reason I am still around. if i cannot even do that, maybe i should just end it. hang myself and get it over with. i just want to leave this place. i hate this so much. idk",Suicidal +20582,"I usually have intrusive thoughts and I have even had suicide plans, over the years I got used to it and tried to live with it. But yesterday, eating alone, I looked at the knife for a moment and a very clear image of the knife stab in my throat came to my mind. It gave me a bit of a scare because it was very nitid image and I have never been a person to imagine things that clearly. I tried to ignore it because I am used to intrusive suicide thoughts coming of nowhere but after a while I realized that I was scared about it. Since I was a child I was afraid of death and that was mixed with constant intrusive thoughts. But over the years I have lost fear and perhaps that is why something so nitid scared me. I do not talk to people about those things because I tell myself (I know it is a lie but) that I am exaggerating and there is a possibility of doing it in search of attention, etc. And all these years I have endured it alone. But this time it does not go out of my head, not even for a moment, and I cannot calm down. So I am here, venting or trying. I guess. After many years one of my intrusive thoughts has scared me.",Suicidal +20583,"I am too tired to type out a full list of events that happened last night. To give you a little bit of background, self-harmer since fourth grade, suicidal thoughts originating in second grade, ASD, OCD, severe depression, SAD, UAD, UMD, hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, probable dissociative disorder, way too much fucking joint pain, sexual abuse in second grade, physical abuse kindergarten to grade three, sexual assault in fifth grade, emotional/psychological/verbal abuse dating back to kindergarten. Yeah. My life sucks.Anyways. TLDR for what happened last night: swallowed a tablespoon of hand sanitizer, could not drink any more, nearly threw up, dry heaved, whole head was on fire. Hung myself at home for 35 minutes, face turned lavender purple, passed out for 10 minutes then woke up and decide ""fuck this I am going to bed."" (Was 12:45 a.m. at this point). Took out my gag, which was soaked in alcohol taste, cleaned up the mess, and slept.I think I am going to jump off my balcony on Tuesday. I do not like the odds, it is somewhere from a 10-50% chance of survival (cannot find clear stats), which sucks, but I will take those odds because I am desperate. So yeah. Thanks for reading or whatever.do not give me corny advice. Empathize with me, give me real advice that is not ""seeking help"", validate me, shame me so I can go die, or do not respond at all. Attempted suicide last night. Probably doing it again tomorrow",Suicidal +20584,"these intrusive thoughts never leave me. images and pictures that i do not want to think about always popping up. its always in the back of my head, and i cannot cannot control the sheer frequency of how often it comes to mind. i just want it to stop went on vacation, was suicidal the whole time",Suicidal +20585,I am done goodbye,Suicidal +20586,"If only suicide was not viewed in such a light, to where it is seen as such a bad and miserable mistake. I have studied a lot of stoic philosophy and even the godfathers of stoicism saw suicide differently. Not only as an desperate escape but a peaceful departure. I wish I could leave this world knowing that my family would not be broken. They care for me so much and I care for them, but I have been done for a long time now. I would love to hear some of you all's thoughts on this matter. If you feel yourself falling away and losing control, retire in good heart to some corner where you will regain control - or else make a complete exit from life, not in anger, but simply, freely, with integrity, making this leaving of it at least one achievement in your life - Marcus AureliusCan you no longer see a road to freedom? Its right in front of you. You need only turn over your wrists - Seneca My only wish is that I could exit while leaving behind peace, instead of greif.",Suicidal +20587,"When I know there is some people who still care, or when I know I will die alone and no one cares about me anymore..... one option makes me selfish, the other makes me too selfless.Why do I even exist, all I want to do is to end it. Why is there so many things to think about . How do I kill myself. Where do I get the things to kill myself. How should I do it . Where should I do it. Should I hide my body? Should I just disappear? What should be my last words? I do not know... I do not want to think. But all I can think about is dying. I am just tired. But I do not want to die when there is truly no one in the world left who cares about me. When do I kill myself",Depression +20588,"I have been useless my entire life, whatever I say would just offend someone or make me look stupid, I live in a third world country with no way to get out, I will die in this same town. I will never make a big enough impact on anyone ever. All I have done is make people upset everytime i open my mouth. I just want to stop talking and stop thinking, no interactions with anyone. I have friends, I have a loving family. I am not even sure if I am depressed or am i just faking it. I am so fucking useless that I cannot even write a single paragraph properly capturing my feelings. I just want some interaction. I do not know why, maybe I am just a lil shit who fakes his depression for attention. I just want to stay silent",Depression +20589,I have realized that I have no reason to keep going. there is no point trying to feel better if I just go back to being suicidal. Everything I have tried I failed at. it is been the same cycle for 8 years. So I figure it is just time to go. No one will care if I die anyway. I may call it quits soon.,Depression +20590,"When I am in a manic episode everything seems possible, I have so much energy I barely sleep 5 hours a day, I am working around the clock and compliments from my work-colleagues for my productivity is driving the manic state even higher. I go out clubbing and my altered self-esteem makes me appear more charming and attractive to women.As usually, a few weeks ago the lack of sleep physically degraded my body so much that life has collapsed like a house of cards again. I called in sick for a week, work piles up, my home became a mess, friends called me asking me for a reason why I am suddenly not responding to them - to ashamed to tell them that I am mentally ill they think I am just sick of them and they stop talking to me altogether which is accelerating depression even more.I am used to all of that but the reason why I am writing today is because in my manic state I met a wonderful girl at work. We laughed together, we partied together. We worked together. We became good friends and I fell in love with her - I never experienced love like that. And I lost her not because I am a psycho - which I am - I lost her because I shared my feelings for her and she did not feel the same way. At first - as a good friend would say - she assured me that this would not affect our friendship but after all she avoided being with me. I believe she started seeing me as just another guy hitting on her.What bothers me most is that she never even saw my depressive side, knowing that even my best was not good enough. Sorry for this long post. Struggling with manic depression for a few years now.",Depression +20591,I am home alone until my boyfriend gets back from work (in about 4-5 hours) and I keep having intrusive thoughts about suicide and self harm. Can someone help to distract me? Or maybe tell me how to make these thoughts go away? I am home alone and my mind is scaring me.,Suicidal +20592,Sorry mom. Your shitty kid is not as tough as you. Sorry if I do not have a single coin to pay for my rent right now. Just want to die because of that I am such a failure. FAILED,Depression +20593,My fart was so silent and deadly that my sister in the other room almost puked she accused my brother for farting then he started a fart party. I cannot stop giggling and farting I might die. #2birdsand1fart #milkteamakesmegassy I MIGHT DIE FROM FARTING,Suicidal +20594,"Hi All, I have battled depression for a long time(as an adult) and as a child was diagnosed with ADHD and have been on every kind of medicine to help me focus you can possibly think of. I was in denial about my depression for a long time but one day sought help and finally started medication and seeing a psychiatrist for it in 2015. I have been on Wellbutrin every since and frankly that alone saved my life. I also take Concerta as needed during the work week to help me focus and have been on that forever. Over the years I have experienced depression slumps where it was like the Wellbutrin was not working as well and was experiencing more frequent anxiety attacks and was put on lexapro with wellbutrin. I was on that combo for about 2 years and noticed i lost all interest in everything I used to love before. It was nice to not feel anxious but it was not nice to not feel anything else. Back to just wellbutrin and also back to experiencing panic attacks and daily spiraling thoughts and questions that I could not answer about why and how could I still be depressed? I workout, eat healthy, have a loving family, have friends, love my job, graduated college and yet still feel as if I have an anchor pulling me down physically, emotionally and mentally. After many talks with my doctor I am now on Prozac and Wellbutrin and had found a great balance and felt almost normal for a long time up until recently. I come to reddit to share my story and see who else out there has experienced my sort of symptoms and what you have tried to combat these slumps? What are your experiences with other medications that you have been prescribed? Any help or guidance is greatly appreciated! Another Depression Slump",Depression +20595,"I just look blank at the ceiling and keep on crying endlessly without any reason. I do not feel happy even after huge improvements in life, I do not feel bad after hearing the worst of news. I just exist and feel numb and cry desperately. Wanting to end this all. Update 1",Suicidal +20596,"I have been suicidal on and off (mostly on) since I was 14. Sometimes it is better, sometimes it is worse. The past few weeks have been awful.I have just graduated. There are loads of jobs in my field, so I could get one easy (I hope), but I just cannot face job hunting. I cannot bear the prospect of being rejected. My industry also has an incredibly high suicide rate, and I am terrified I will burn out and it will make me worse. I am back living with my parents until I get a job and a place, and that is not helping either because all my friends now live a couple hours away.I spent the past few months self sabotaging my degree. I half arsed my finals revision, I left organising my compulsory placement to the very last second. I think part of me was hoping I would fail and I would finally have an excuse to end it. I passed with honours, so I should be so proud, but I just feel numb the whole time.I do not eat, I cannot sleep. I just want to die, but I cannot bear the thought of how much it would hurt my friends and family. I spend my time playing computer games instead of doing anything productive. Speaking to my friends is exhausting.I am speaking to a counsellor, which has helped some but not completely. I had a massive breakdown 9 months ago after an abusive relationship.I just want to sleep forever. I am so tired the whole time. I do not know how to fix my head. I have spent so many years feeling this way that I do not know how to begin fixing myself. I cannot go on like this, but I do not know how to get out of it. Obviously I am very suicidal, but I do not think I would ever actually do anything.Please. I need advice. I do not know how to begin to get my life together. I am feeling hopeless and just need to vent, advice would help too",Depression +20597,can you remember the day before your birth you were nothing no pain no sadness no happiness no nothing it sounds so peacefully I do not want life in this fucking boring world,Suicidal +20598,"it is over, nothing has ever been in my control. Nothing I can do, . My whole life is a big big lie, surely not a life I want to live",Suicidal +20599,After my (25|F) car accident my mom passed away 4 days later unexpectedly wanting to quit nursing school . I do not even have motivation to work even more but that started around COVID . I just feel like there is too much going on in life but I do not want to seem like I am giving up . there is so much emotion going on and feeling more alone then ever . Its almost like I am watching life on TV and I am the outsider . I am seeing a therapist tomorrow but wanting to know view different opinions . Now my mothers gone I do not have anyone except my sister and boyfriend . Am I over reacting to quitting school ? No more motivation .. quitting school ?,Depression +20600,"Hi. I have been struggling with anxiety and depressive episodes for years. Sometimes I feel like I am not even a person. Some places trigger that weird feeling of yearning (old railway stations, trains, abandoned buildings, cemeteries).When I come across these places, I am starting to think about people who rolled through these locations. I often completely dissolve during sitting on a bench at the station. When I am waiting for my train, I usually spend all my time observing people who are passing by and thinking about their stories. Who are they? Where are they going?I feel like I am blending into the environment and losing a sense of being a separate being. Have you ever felt the same way? Is this how depersonalization feels like? I could not find a more suitable disorder. Sorry If my explanations were not precise enough, but English is not my mother tongue. Is this a depersonalization?",Depression +20601,Someone asked how do you think of dying. I said being kidnapped and tortured. A person commented saying masochist. I looked this up and I mean maybe its true? I did not think it had anything to do with sex but in this daydreams I am abused pretty bad sexually. Why do I think like this? Is it a common thing? I feel sick sometimes but I wish it would happen Masochist?,Depression +20602,"I have been bullied by classmates and teachers alike for about 10 years. Although I mostly remembered my classmates making fun of me, insulting me, pulling my hair and god knows what else, with time I realised it was the teachers and my parents that had the biggest impact. I have had teachers that would often make fun of me in front of the whole class if I gave the wrong answer or did not know how to do something. Either that or just screaming at me. One of them would often tell me I am a failure and I will forever be a disappointment to my parents because I, the daughter of two engineers, was not great at math. My parents suggested I move schools at some point but the thought of being thrown into a new class with people who already knew each other scared me even more so...they did nothing else. Whenever my dad tried helping me out with my maths homework, he would sooner or later lose his patience and scream at me as well. he would sometimes throw my notebooks in anger as well. I was so terrified I did not have the courage to say anything at all, being convinced that none of the answers I could come up with was right. I thought it would be better to just not say anything, but that just made him angrier. And the same happened at school. I just became too scared to say anything at all. We never really talk about this. Whenever the subject comes up, they of it as if it is just another funny story from my childhood. it is very hard for me to talk about it; whenever I try to explain how I felt they just brush it off and act as if it was not all that serious. they would often make jokes about me being rather introverted and quiet, often in front of other people - and they still do it, to this day. My mum especially likes to ""excuse"" my quietness in front of other people as if it is this terrible flaw that just needs to be explained away. I have asked her not to do that, explained why it upsets me, and every time it seems like she gets it...until the next time when she does it again.Luckily I do not live with them anymore, but whenever I do go back for more than a week, something like this always happens. I wish they could just understand and accept it. My experiences and feelings are still being invalidated to this day",Depression +20603,"I made sure to hide my birthdate on every single social media platform I use. But I accidentally left it public on one of my facebook accounts. I would been feeling like shit for days before my birthday thinking how many years left do I need to hide my suicide intention. I had an online class in the morning - and when a ""happy birthday"" post rings my notifications, I turned off my camera and bursted into tears.So I cried and screamed for a few minutes, then go wash my face, applied some ice and turned the camera back on looking perfectly normal.Then after class ended I rolled over and cried again, again, again and again in the afternoon, then once again had to try to look happy when mom returned home with a birthday cake. I acted all happy during my birthday party. And when everyone went asleep, I continued crying until 3, then I had to sleep because next morning I also had classes.I was plain sick of it. I wish my birthday never existed - I wish I had never been born. But people will not stop celebrating it and I could not not act grateful about it, like a nice happy classmate, student, daughter, friend, or whatever it is.I felt like a criminal thrown into jail and everyone gathered around my cell, joined hands and laughed at my imprisonment together.It was my 17th birthday. I first experienced suicide impulse when I was 12. it is always been haunting me ever since. I went through no tragic events - I do not have any excuses to feel pained or depressed - but death always felt like a final, complete destination. Everything else felt meaningless.I feel trapped. I was trapped in this life because I was born. I did not want to be born. But every time I revealed even just the tiniest bit of my thoughts, everyone stared at me with a silent glare. So I always added a joke and brushed it off. I was scared to be judged. Secretly I thought even if I killed myself and people around me got hurt emotionally, it would be none of my business, since I never chose to be born and never forced them to be close to me - it was their own doing. But some part in my fucking retarded brain still made me scared about hurting them. I felt weak and stupid.it is been five years. Unable to kill myself, I went for self-harm. I repeatedly starve myself in school, and disguise it as ""yeah I am just saving lunch money for some books and stuffs I want"". The discomfort and pain also feel like a good punishment for someone who does not feel grateful for the care of other people like me. I feel clean when I starve myself. But I am getting dull to hunger. Days and days and my hate towards every fucking things including myself is growing stronger and stronger. I need something worse but I cannot leave wound marks on my body or people will notice and start watching me. I am frustrated. Again I wish I could end myself once for good.I am devastated to think about future. I just want to disappear and vanish from everybody's memories. I am tired of this act. People congratulating me on my birthday makes me sick",Suicidal +20604,"Checked myself in after having a mental breakdown at work yesterday. Was planning on blowing my brains out in my Amazon delivery van. I do not know if things will get better from here but here is hoping maybe one day I can learn to live a life I somewhat enjoy. Cheers, friends. Welp, I am in the ER",Depression +20605,"All I do is go through the motions. Everything feels like a chore, even the things I used to enjoy.I ruined my life. I hate myself. No one will ever love me again. Life is not worth living when you have to do it alone.I am just stuck here to look after my dogs, but even they do not bring me joy.I have no hope left. I do not know how much longer I can do this.",Suicidal +20606,"My favorite band in the world is Alice In Chains and I feel like I am going to go out like layne. Alone, down in a hole, succumbing to my addiction. Its sad but there is not really anything I can do about it. But yeah that is it. Sometimes I feel like its ironic",Depression +20607,Being alive is a bad idea.I am a bad idea.&#x200B;People start to be unhappy in the beginning.they are unhappy when they wake upThey're unhappy when they go to sleep.they are unhappy when they have to go to bed.they are unhappy when they have to go to school.they are unhappy when they have to go to work.they are unhappy when they have to go to classes.they are unhappy when they have to go to funerals.they are unhappy when they go to parties.they are unhappy when they go to the cinema.they are unhappy when they are looking for a job.they are unhappy when they find a job.&#x200B;This is what life is all about: being unhappy.&#x200B;The world has no meaning anymore.We have no meaning anymore.We have no purpose anymore. Being alive is a bad idea,Depression +20608,We have been in a lockdown for about 2 weeks but I have been in isolation for months since losing my job. The only time I leave the house is for food or cigarettes. Before I was fired (I was fired for swapping shifts to prioritise my mental health which just made it even worse lol - I was casual btw) I was always socialising and hanging out with people after work/weekends but as soon as I stopped initiating things I have not had a call or text from anyone. I have become so numb to the world and every day is just the same boring shit. I live in a pretty small community so the only thing people my age do is drink at the shitty local bars. I struggle to find new things to do in this town and just want to fkn escape but I cannot right now because of lockdown. I was kind of glad I could not do anything for my 21st considering my awful mental state and did not really have high hopes for it but I kind of expected maybe a call or text from even just my close circle of friends who I still play games/chat online with. Nothing. I was waiting around all day with my phone on me and not once did it buzz. I am totally fucking giving up on everything and am the loneliest I have ever been. I know I could just pick up the phone and call someone to do something but I do not want to do that when no one even bothers to check up on me for months even on my fucking 21st. Supposed to be an important milestone or whatever but these cunts in this shit hole town do not give a shit about me. Just want to move away and start my life again. Anyway its 3am and I just needed to get this out to someone even if its on reddit. Lockdown 21st,Depression +20609,"Why do I fantasize about ending it so much ? Its a reoccurring thought and I have thought of over 30 ways I could-Why do I do this ? I know there are some people here for me, but these feelings become so.. strong. If only there was a way to just,, exist but not exist, yknow ? TW Fantasizing Sewerside",Suicidal +20610,Being alive is a bad idea.I am a bad idea.&#x200B;People start to be unhappy in the beginning. &#x200B;they are unhappy when they wake upThey're unhappy when they go to sleep.they are unhappy when they have to go to bed.they are unhappy when they have to go to school.they are unhappy when they have to go to work.they are unhappy when they have to go to classes.they are unhappy when they have to go to funerals.they are unhappy when they go to parties.they are unhappy when they go to the cinema.they are unhappy when they go to funerals.they are unhappy when they go to the cinema.they are unhappy when they are looking for a job.they are unhappy when they find a job.&#x200B;This is what life is all about: being unhappy.&#x200B;The world has no meaning anymore.We have no meaning anymore.We have no purpose anymore. Being alive is a bad idea,Suicidal +20611,"So, i always had depression, but now, i'am experiencing things that made me think if i'am a normal person.This seems ridiculous at first, but it is really affecting me.It all started when i engaged in a discussion about a horror movie that was released a week ago, i was really surprised that if a character is or not likable influence the way people like movies.I always see this in book or movie reviews, but i never cared about it until now.Again, i know that this sounds ridculous, but this is making me question my sanity.This is because my entire life, i never tought if a movie or book character is likable or not, i just live the moment.For example, in a horror movie, i never root for the main characters, if they are being chased by a killer or a monster, i never think ""oh, they must survive"", i just live the moment, if they live, ok, and if they die, that it is also ok.And i really prefer the horror movie antagonists over the heroes.it is really hard for me to understand this need to have ""likable"" characters in a book or movie, there are different kinds of people, we have good people, we have evil people, so if a character is not likable it ruins all the book or all the movie?What about the story?For example, i read a book about the Slenderman where the main character was not likable, but the fact that he was being terrorized by the Slenderman was enough for the book to be interesting, the main character does not need to be likable for me to know that he is in danger and for the Slenderman to be scary.I really need advice, i do not feel like a normalchuman anymore ,i'am crazy because i do not care if a character is or not likable in a story?I the only one? I think i'am going insane and i need advice.",Depression +20612,"I do not know why I am venting or what the point of this is. I just went essentially no contact with my toxic pool of relatives and mother, father etc. I have moved every far and things have been a shit show to say the least and while I am able to navigate all of these situations that arise I am mentally fatigued from it all. I have been pulling hat tricks for a year and a half and I do not know for how much longer I can keep it up. I get that resilience and perseverance is key but people telling me that I am insanely strong and all of these useless things... I would just rather not hear. I also wonder how when people give me this ""praise"", how am I actually doing all of these things on my own. I have no shoulder, no open ear, I have only myself to depend on, and while I guess it is always been like that being on the fly in the desert has put a different perspective on things for me. I hate that I did not leave my family earlier, I hate that I endured the abuse, manipulation, lying and gaslighting for so long. So mad I did not realize the fake friendship, and passive indifference. So upset with myself for letting these things fly right over my head. I know better, I know I know better.I can only look forward but it is hard to want this for myself only. I am definitely not the type to kill myself, but I do self-sabotage and I know this. All these tiny things keep cropping up putting just even one more small obstacle in front of me and it is starting to weigh on me. I do have a formal diagnosis, two, and am currently unmedicated, but also without medical coverage atm due to all the moving and running away stuff. I have combed my mind for every possible alternative in this situation and am grateful I am still clear enough of mind to make safe/sound and wise decisions for myself. Asking for help tends to be useless as I can come up with better/more efficient alternatives myself. And sometimes when I talk to people about all the shit I am doing and have to do they just stare in awe of how I am juggling and handling all these things unmedicated and not strung out right now, not an appropriate response. Whatever. I guess not everyone is as strong/forward thinking/hard working as I was made out to think everyone had to be, good. I am proud of who I am at this age, I always strived to be a well-rounded young adult growing up, to be a good partner to whoever I am with and at this age I think I can say I have achieved those things. I will always be working to better myself as you should never stop working on yourself and there is always room to make improvements.Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody said it would be so hard.I will spend my 25th birthday in a I land I am unfamiliar with, by myself, with the most peace of mind I have ever had in my entire life. I think I have won. Hats off to breaking generational trauma (bonds), shit sucks but someone is' got to do the foot work. But yes it is depressing. Hate it, but love this for me",Depression +20613,"When everyone thinks you are just okay since they are used to the ""you"" who is not complaining about anything.Gooood do not even know where to get my monthly rent. Like literally. Pandemic sucks, I want to kill myself so bad B R O K E",Depression +20614,Being awake is so hard for me :( How do you break a 10 year habit of sleeping 3 hours a day?,Depression +20615,I am probably just being over dramatic sorry School just increases my feelings of depression. I am just about hanging on .,Depression +20616,Everyone keeps telling me their proud I have made it this far and to keep going. Why? it is just going to get shittier from here. Talking to my psychiatrist in a few hours... Might be hospitalized. Idk... Probably just going to suicide by cop when I run out of money Why am I even bothering?,Suicidal +20617,Why do I always feel so lonely to the point of wanting to be gone? Guess I can be lost for a couple of months without anyone looking for me. L O N E,Depression +20618,"I have been suicidal on and off (mostly on) since I was 14. Sometimes it is better, sometimes it is worse. The past few weeks have been awful.I have just graduated. There are loads of jobs in my field, so I could get one easy (I hope), but I just cannot face job hunting. I cannot bear the prospect of being rejected. My industry also has an incredibly high suicide rate, and I am terrified I will burn out and it will make me worse. I am back living with my parents until I get a job and a place, and that is not helping either because all my friends now live a couple hours away.I spent the past few months self sabotaging my degree. I half arsed my finals revision, I left organising my compulsory placement to the very last second. I think part of me was hoping I would fail and I would finally have an excuse to end it. I passed with honours, so I should be so proud, but I just feel numb the whole time.I do not eat, I cannot sleep. I just want to die, but I cannot bear the thought of how much it would hurt my friends and family. I spend my time playing computer games instead of doing anything productive. Speaking to my friends is exhausting.I am speaking to a counsellor, which has helped some but not completely. I had a massive breakdown 9 months ago after an abusive relationship, which is when I started counselling. Its helped with the issues I had regarding that relationship, but not so much my general feelings of hopelessness.I just want to sleep forever. I am so tired the whole time. I do not know how to fix my head. I have spent so many years feeling this way that I do not know how to begin fixing myself. I cannot go on like this, but I do not know how to get out of it. Obviously I am very suicidal, but I do not think I would ever actually do anything.Please. I need advice. I do not know how to begin to get my life together. I am so tired and I do not know what to do. I really need some help and I do not know where to find it",Suicidal +20619,"my step father recently confided in me that he has guns in the garage, locked in a safe. i know what the keys look like, i just have not been able to find them. I have told my parents for years that if guns are on the property, to please not tell me. i think he assumed my suicidal tendencies were gone but funny enough they are actually stronger than they have ever been. my life is an absolute waste. i have no skills, happiness, will to keep trying, whatever I am not going to list anything else. my life is pathetic. spending almost a decade chasing a man who loves me but not nearly as much as i do him, many failed relationships in between with a lot of abuse. my parents are constantly upset with me because of my depression and i truthfully have no desire to fix myself. what is the point, honestly, if I am always going to feel this way? never going to feel good enough? i used to sit by train tracks and wait for the trains to come. when i thought i was for sure going to die, i was at peace. true peace. i want this nightmare to end. i will find my peace. i know how I am going to do it, only a matter of finding the keys",Suicidal +20620,"I am miserable most of the time. I might return to drinking eventually I think. I get addicted to drugs a lot, I have tried so many therapists. I have had so many relationships end in shit.I do not get why I am miserable. I have a good career. I have so much stuff, but it does not mean anything to me though. I have trouble finding interests. I am a classical pianist, but honestly I do not feel like I am that great at playing after 20 years of doing it. Lately it feels like I am just playing the same songs over and over. I tried streaming myself playing on reddit and it made me feel dead inside despite the countless comments I got that my music was beautiful. The one or two comments telling me I sucked stuck out more.I am rambling here, but I am so lost. I have one good friend who I love so much but he is miserable too. We both comfort each other, and have for a decade but it is a catharsis in hating ourselves and everything around us.I have no idea how to get through a week without some sort of vice. I do not get how people just live their lives. I wake up and the first thought in my mind almost every morning is I hate my life, I hate existence, I hate how empty I feel, and I just want to die. I do not want to try medication because I hear horror stories about how it just makes things worse. I am pretty sure if I got on the wrong one, I would end up killing myself. I get by being this depressed, numb version of myself- I have done it for so long, I cannot really remember being content. So I carry on, waiting to die. That is my sentence. I only really look forward to death most days, at the age of 30.",Depression +20621,"I am 24 yrs old, I live in Mexico , after all what I have been thru since I was 2 yrs old and been treated like shit all this time , I made my decision . I do not want to see my family no more laughing on what they did , and specially what used to be my stepfather laughing also . At first I wanted to kill them all but after all things going against me , I just decided to suicide . And the book it is going to be called ""Shit"" and it will contain all Harm humanity can do and what they did to me . And it will be an epic death . Hope so.I just wanted to let you guys know because you all will have a copy as soon I will finish it . I am just finishing my book before I suicide",Depression +20622,"I cannot fucking take this shit anymore, my family is fucking horrible my friends do not help I am completely alone, I cannot do this anymore, life is just to fucking much I am literally about to fucking break and kill myself",Suicidal +20623,"I been through a lot of changes lately, I just quit ""the perfect job"" with a really toxic boss. I could not even talk to her bc she wanted all written in case that she needed to prove that I was the one that did something wrong. I ended my long distance relationship 3 months ago, he was a completely different person when he returned to the us. We are still in the meddle if the pandemic here in mexico. I am super scared of not having anything right now.... I still feel is for the best this changes but I am so depressed that I do not have a partner to rely on or work right now.... it is been so hard to change",Depression +20624,I woke up today not wanting to be alive anymore. Its been a couple of months since I have felt this way. Ugh. Today is a really bad day.,Depression +20625,"Wish I was on the beach, right now. Enjoying myself. I wish things were different.",Suicidal +20626,"I have been experiencing some really bad depression for a while now, but I try not to bring it up to people because I know people do not care and do not want to hear about my boring problems. I just thought that this would be the most appropriate place to let my feelings out when I have no one. I stay in my room every day for most of the day, not talking to anyone except for my dad who I live with from time to time. I cannot find the motivation to do even the smallest of tasks, such as brushing my teeth, which I have not done for around a week. I just do not know. Sorry for this post, and I know it probably will not be seen by many people, but as long as one person interacts with it at some point, then Id be so grateful. Going through it all on my own",Depression +20627,"I thought that i would get even a little better after a few weeks, but now it just got even worse. All these anxiety, long days, stress, pressure, and even miniscule problems. I really do not want to bother anyone i know regarding my situation right now. I have a little bit of my sanity left before i carry on with my plan to go through with it. I just want it all to end already. I am too tired of all this. Even self comfort feels like a fucking joke and a damn lie. Nothing really helps even games that i used too enjoy. I hope this all ends. I have been thinking too much about ending it all.",Depression +20628,"Our friendship has definitely concluded, last I heard about them they refused to talk to me because I betrayed their trust. I do not want to post details but to make a long story short, a woman I fell out with spent some time with them after we fell out and their silence started thereAfter being friends for almost 10 years I do not think its too ridiculous to at least get an explanation but I know deep down his strings are getting pulled by other people. I am mad they allowed this to happen and constantly want revenge, but I would also just gladly forget about them if I knew how. Any advice for someone who lost their closest friend and is not sure if they want to hurt them or forget them.",Depression +20629,"My therapist has me journaling my childhood, with an emphasis on connecting my recollection of events to my emotions about myself. This has been a painful process, thus far. I am discovering a lot of problems with my parents that I have been making excuses for. But this recent revelation, that my dad did not ever really care for me, it fucking hurts. I always told myself he was too busy, or too tired, or I was too annoying, or too loud, or any number of other things. The only time my dad showed any interest in me was when I wanted to play a sport. And even then, it was only to the point of talking about the sport. Never anything more. How am I supposed to come to terms with that? I cannot really confront him about it, he is going into the latter stages of Huntington's Chorea. He cannot really communicate well or clearly. My mom already passed away, so I cannot ask her about it. Is there anything I can do to process this? Digging through my past, with my therapist. I am realizing my dad never really cared about me. How the hell do you live with that?",Depression +20630,Ill try to keep it brief.- going through the worst economy recorded in 150 years- my salary dropped from 2000$ to 200$- still feeling trauma and dealing with damages from beirut port blast-unstable job because of the economy- prices of food and goods gone up 20 times- my friends have visas fled the country never kept in touch- the only friend i have and even they do not count live on a different continent- i feel so alone- i cannot even go out everything is collapsing and out of budget- dealing with electricity cuts because the goverment cannot provide fuel anymore so sitting 4 hours a day no electricity in 36C heat- medicine and gas fuel are scarce almost non existant - bank assets frozen in the bank. I cannot even buy things i need from my savings and if i withdraw my dollars assets into my goverments pound ill lose 80% of their value. - i cannot flee the country i do not have a second passport I am 26 no aspirations because the goverment siezed what i saved from my job i had dreams to pursue a second bachelors degree and now i cannot. I cannot do this anymoretruly. here is my situation:,Depression +20631,"Well, this is going to be a long read. I have been coming to terms with what happened to me while I was in uni. I was taken advantage of while insanely messed up by someone who was close to sober. It changed my perspective on life and honestly I became much less trustworthy of people. Uni was hard to get through this year, but I have been grinding and slowly fixing the pieces academically. I wanted to put this event as far as I could from my memory. The so called event was one of the first ever sexual experiences I had and it broke me. Getting taken advantage of while fucked off my ass is something that broke me down. I also started drinking much heavier more frequently. Anyways, on one of my blackout nights. I was shitfaced coming back from a pub. A girl I had previously hooked up with was there chilling with my flat mate, not as hammered. Apparently we made out and I wanted to go further. Nothing happened and I did not think too much of it at the time. However, a few weeks later a friend of mine &; her were playing a drinking game in my room. As the night winded out, I asked about the blackout night to get more clarity. I learned that I was pestering her for a bit about going further. I asked if I did anything shitty and her tone changed and she genuinely said I did not do anything shitty or scummy. We made out again (consensual) and I have left it at that. This experience is a bit dicey for me, I did not do anything physical, but apparently I tried to get her into my room in other ways by just asking consistently and even going to the extent of asking her to help me find something in my room while blacked out. I was very drunk and although I was not being forceful/threatening by any means, however it looks more like I could not catch a hint while that messed up. Also to clarify, our flat is one story and my mates room is right next to mine.Since then, I think we are still on normal terms. I am still on ok terms with her, and she even invited me out to a party when I asked if she had any moves for the night, furthermore my friend was giving me shit for that night and slid up on her story when asking if anyone wanted to go to the beach with her and pointed my name to which she snap chatted me if I wanted to go. She also recently sent me an old photo of us blazed, so I do think there is no bad blood. Also, I feel like I would have heard something from her friends if I had done something heinous &; I do not sense any bad blood as they are still chill with me even months after. Also, if I had done something shitty I feel like my flat mate would have told me or her friends. Both her friends (and her) have been victims of SA & I am Almost certain that I would have been called out if I had done anything shitty. Anyways, I probably will not ever see this person again. She mainly hung out with my flat mate, and I am living somewhere new next year, and I have kind of begun growing out of my party phase. Plus, I was planning on cutting this whole group out over time initially. she is not in uni either, hence realistically we probably will not see each other ever again. I do not know if I should casually text her asking for more clarity or if I should maybe text her to test the waters. Realistically, she probably has not put too much thought into this and I am most likely overreacting. Furthermore, I am assuming she is probably chalked it up to me being butt fuck drunk that night. Yet, my anxiety has been eating me up about this whole situation as I have little to no memory of the night. Its been a few months since all of this went down, and i initially had moved on. However, my mind keeps fixating on this night. I am a respectful guy and I do not think I did anything shitty, but I am still over-analyzing the situation. I do not know the details of the situation, and I have no clue of the little nuances of what occurred. Reading stuff about peoples experiences online are making me question if my actions were on the same degree of fucked up as what I have read on different threads. I do not think they are, yet I am still feeling extremely anxious about this whole thing due to fact that I do not know exactly what happened. I have been overthinking and its been eating away at me for a few days. I also want to see a therapist as I do not think I have fully gotten over the first situation, however I am worried that also bringing up this situation could get me in trouble even though I most likely have not done anything bad if that makes sense. I do not know why, but I just feel stressed even though I most likely did not do anything shitty or terrifyingly bad. If anyone could give me advice on what to do, please help me out. Also, an honest breakdown on this whole situation would be helpful. I am considering reaching out to her casually, but I do not know if that is the right move. This has been eating at me for a few days and I am just lost & confused. Most guys would probably not even put much second thought into this, buts its bloody bothering me like crazy. Dealing with anxiety over a drunk interaction",Depression +20632,"Everybody no matter what is achieved. Will ultimately die, there will be nothing left. Therefore if I am losing, why continue to lose. How others would feel about me being gone is of little relevance, because I will not be here anyway, plus my existence hardly brings them joy anyway. are not we all equal.",Suicidal +20633,"I just graduated from highschool I had to worry about my exams all the times. But now that I graduated I could have some rest. But no god had his own plans. My father had a heart attack 1 week after I graduated , he has to go under an operation and now I have to look after my fathers job and a life like : work, work ,work, rest ,work, work ,work, rest...does not seem to worth living. I have to try too hard to do this shit. Like work is tiring and only thing you get is a litte money. It just seems like it would not worth it no matter what kind of work I would do. For fucks sake I am only 18 and I have to look after 3 person other than me. I realy started to lose my hope for the future. Only thing that keeps me alive is that my family would die without me. And tbis big responsibility just makes me stressed moreGod could not even let me keep my hopes. Life is just too tiring and I always thought it does not worth trying this hard but hopes used to keep me alive",Suicidal +20634,Everything in my life ruined i lost my job my friends and too close to lose my relationship almost lost my mindFeel like i cannot hold anymore everyday I think to end all this i have no idea what I should do i have no place to go literally staying alone for months Of course I am using fake account cuz my main have real information about me I feel like a do not want to live anymore,Suicidal +20635,"I do not have any real talent in anything, so Ill probably end up at a desk job for the rest of my life. My dreams are to become a professional basketball player, palaeontologist, or a comedian, but I am not really good at any of those. I am not really charming at all and are not very close with any persons so I do not think anyone would really care I would commit suicide unless they are close family. I am literally the most dumbest guy alive, I am so awkward around people even though I really want to socialize with people. I always think too much of myself instead of others. I want to become independent, but I cannot really do anything by myself. I do not think I could give anything to the world so I cannot think of any reason not to commit suicide. Can anyone give me any reasons not to commit suicide?",Suicidal +20636,"Literally every person I have talked to, who have taken them, only have negative experiences to share.I know the data says it is helpful, but where are you all hiding at? Do Anti depressent works?",Depression +20637,"I am seventeen years old,and I know a bunch of people are probably going to roll their eyes at this, but I really do love my girlfriend. we have been dating for 3 years now, and I cannot imagine life without her. I feel like she is the only person who understands. I acted like an asshole last night and now she is seriously considering leaving me. I have apologized already and there is nothing else I can do, but I just cannot help but think that I cannot go on living if she does end up breaking up with me. I have had suicidal thoughts every now and then, I can always suppress them (without putting the burden on her as much as I can) but she helps me through them. I do not know what Ill do if its all over. I want to kill myself for being stupid enough to fuck up a 3 year relationship with her. This is such an incoherent rant and I am sorry, I just do not know what else to do. I cannot bother her with texts when she needs space, but the helplessness and anxiety is killing me. I do not want to live anymore like this. I cannot see myself living any more if she does make the decision to end it I do not know how I can go on any more",Suicidal +20638,"I am feeling so hopeless right now and I do not have anybody to talk to. No one understands. I am just lazy to them, or dumb, or both. I did not work on my thesis like I should have and tomorrow I have to talk to my advisor. I am just laying there crying, feeling useless because I did not do anything the last couple days and now I have to write everything until tomorrow and its such an impossible task and I hate what I wrote until now and I will hate everything Ill write from there. I just hate myself and everything and I cannot stop crying and I really just need to pull a 20 hour shift of writing a thesis only for it to be utterly bad. Its already in the evening here and I have not done the bare minimum until now. What is wrong with me, why am I like this? I cannot concentrate anymore, I cannot focus to write such an amount of pages in such a short time. I completely fucked up. Again. I hate myself. I need motivation so bad right now but I just cannot find it. Its too late. I just need to vent",Depression +20639,"All I do is go through the motions. Everything feels like a chore, even the things I used to enjoy. I ruined my life. I hate myself. No one will ever love me again. Life is not worth living when you have to do it alone. I am just stuck here to look after my dogs, but even they do not bring me joy. I have no hope left. I do not know how much longer I can do this.",Depression +20640,I really do not see the point in living anymore. I am going to jump off a building as the new year fireworks go off... So untill then I am going to enjoy my time here I am going to kill myself this new year,Suicidal +20641,"I am 25 years old, male, will not disclose my location, gay?, dragonkin (otherkin), I hate humans so deeply, I have no friends in real life or internet, never had a relationship in real life and internet ones always lasted less than one month, have officially recognized disabilities, my family does not care about me, I live with my mother and she is the only person I have talked with in the last 12 months, she refuses to talk to me unless it is for her own interest and she pretends she does not know I am suicidal, I have gone outside multiple times explicitly stating to my parents that I was leaving to kill myself and they never cared, I have been suicidal since I was 13 years old, I have been going to psychs for years both for free and paying and they never helped me one bit so in the end I quit, same goes for depression and anxiety medications, I have been hospitalized a few times as a result of my suicide attempts, my physical health has really deteriorated during the last 5 months, I have really strong dizziness and vertigo 24/7 so I have to lie on bed all day and I struggle to get to the toilet, I also have to eat on my bed and when my mother does not bring me the food I must be hungry and unable to eat, I constantly feel like I cannot keep myself conscious and am on the edge of passing out, I have palpitations and chest pain, my head hurts so much, I am sweating all day and I have the fan on 24/7 right next to my bed, my father and my other relatives do not care and refuse to talk to me, I cry every day and I wish I had tears to cry 24/7, some nights I will have an insomnia so bad I will not sleep at all, while others I sleep for about 16 hours nonstop, some days I will be very hungry again one or two hours after I had my full meal, some others I will not eat anything at all, I am extremely bored, everything I do on the internet I force myself to do it and do not enjoy it at all, I always pray just in case anyone can hear me and I ask them to kill me, if I stop existing after death that is no problem, I made myself an imaginary friend 6 years ago when my father kicked me out because his girlfriend asked him to, no one gives a shit if I die and this time I am going to succeed, because someone else is going to do it for me and make sure of it, I will ignore any unsupportive replies such as those saying life is worth it and not inherent suffering, things will not get better deal with it, I have been told this shit by psychs since 12 years ago and my life has done nothing but become way worse than it used to be, the worst part of it all is knowing that no one cares, and do not say someone cares because you do not know me or my life, it is so easy to talk from ignorance, not even God cares because if he did he would listen to my prayers, being selfish is inherent to life, if it was not species would never evolve, so do not come pretending that you want to help me because the only person you want to help is yourself, you want to feel better with yourself by pretending to care and pretending to do a good action, if you really want me to suffer that bad go to hell Suicidal for 12 years, finally I will die",Suicidal +20642,"Title sums it up. I have not made it into work and I called in sick. The truth is that I am really struggling mentally at the moment but I did not say that when I called. Feeling really guilty and that I am lying to everyone. I work really hard at my job (healthcare professional) and I really do not want my colleagues knowing I am depressed, suicidal and struggling. The guilt is all consuming though. Just not sure what to do. Feeling guilty about lying",Depression +20643,"I am 41. Not sure exactly how I got here but I honestly feel cursed by god or the universe or whatever forces are at work. I have felt depressed for about 25 years now. And before that, as a child I felt different, weird, isolated, and alienated. I was 18 before seeking real help, when someone at my university asked me ""Have you ever considered killing yourself?"" and it occurred to me that that was not normal. I have been on most of the major antidepressants. I have been hospitalized twice. I have seen countless doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and still I am in the same place. I have reached out to TMS and Ketamine places but have not gotten anywhere. I have tinnitus and have taken a number of blows to the head throughout my life but never been sure if its related to the depression. I have a supportive family and even a great wife and I feel terrible for relying on them so much financially and emotionally while not being able to make progress. My main problem seems to be that I do not feel like I am a part of anything that is going on. I do not understand what is going on. I do not know what I am supposed to be doing. Everything seems wrong and all I see is chaos and confusion. I am honestly trying my best to survive and thrive but it just keeps getting worse. I went to college because I thought I wanted to be a filmmaker. Now I barely even enjoy films or it feels like every idea has been done. I knew I could not network or assemble a crew or any of the necessary things I would have to do. The most I was ever able to do was to make wedding videos.and hire maybe 1 other person. I decided to stop doing that, got a job editing short promos for TV shows which gave me a portfolio no one seems to care about. Worked for local government creating media before getting fired for voicing concerns about noise in the office because I am so sensitive. Then with no one hiring me, I had to go back to driving which I have done ever since I was able to work. I used to think driving made me feel free and I could be alone with music, podcasts, and my thoughts, but now I do not want to be alone with my thoughts because all I think about is killing myself all day. For two years, I transported dead bodies which was super depressing. Now I work for FedEx and its hot, noisy, and extremely strenuous. Every time someone tries to help me with a job prospect it leads nowhere, to the point where I do not even want to accept the help. I have been rejected from so many places that it seems I would be qualified for. I look for jobs all the time and they all look really bad or do not pay much. And the process takes so much time only to be rejected at the end. I want to quit my job but only have spotty gig work to fall back on. I feel like a failure and that I cannot contribute financially.I do feel gratitude for the things I have. I have tried journaling, meditation, yoga, exercise, and plenty of the other things people suggest you do. But my mind stays locked on past mistakes and cringey moments. I beat the shit out of myself all day everyday and cannot stop. I compare myself to others, get jealous, and get angry that I cannot be normal or successful. And it feels like I am getting dumber, more forgetful, and harder of hearing when I need to have all my faculties working as well as possible. It just seems I am getting older and my life gets more sad and embarrassing. I barely want to leave the house because I am sensitive to the horrible things I see or situations I might end up in.I do not know what to do anymore. I am scared of getting older and how it could possibly get even worse. I need help but I cannot seem to get it. Everything is out of reach. Everything seems impossible. I have tumbled down for a long time and see no way back up",Depression +20644,I do not find meaning in anything. Everything seems pointless. Finding it impossible to find any kind of purpose in this life. The world seems to be a nasty place with no sense of fairness. I feel am surrounded by negativity all the time and I cannot get out of this rut. I do not know why I even want to write this. what is the point ? I guess waiting for tht one answer tht'll get me out of this mental state... Stuck in a Rut,Depression +20645,"Life is pointless if you cannot enjoy anything. I exercise, work on my motorcycle, work, play video games, its all to kill the time. I turn 27 tomorrow, one year closer to death, woopty-fuckin-do. Wish someone would hit me on my motorcycle, but would feel bad knowing they would have to live with it. Anhedonia",Depression +20646,"I spent the last 3 weeks feeling suicidal. I have sever bipolar and ADHD which do not mix very well. I finally got my ADHD meds approved with hopes of helping me, when I learned that my grandma stopped her cancer treatment because they discovered her cancer had spread. I am going up this weekend to see her, but its only a matter of time If its not one thing its another",Depression +20647,"I cannot find one good reason for me to stay, yes my family and friends would be sad, but they will get over it, I am nothing special. The meds are not working, and life keeps letting me down again and again, nothing is getting better, and I am just so tired of trying, I think I am ready to leave this world, I hope I will go somewhere better, because I am convinced this world is my personal hell. I am on antidepressants and antipsychotics and I still want to die",Suicidal +20648,"I have dealt with varying levels of sadness/depression through my life and have had some traumatic situations where it was unclear if I had something chemically wrong or if the trauma was long lasting.I went through a severe breakup in January but met a wonderful woman a couple months later. I am excruciating, spending time with good folks, and have a healthy relationship with my new girlfriend. Despite that, I feel a thick sadness sludge that clings to me in the mornings. The only thing I can do to shake it is to exercise or play the guitar. I just do not know what to do. Pre Covid, things did not feel so bad. Any insight would be helpful! Is it normal to wake up most mornings feeling depressed?",Depression +20649,1. Family (of course I should be keeping my brother at bay lol)2. Money that I have gathered (I worked for only like a year but the money I made during those time would go to waste if I die)3. Finishing college (I am still a sophomore so I would rather just finish college)4. I want to experience more things in my 20s (My bday is coming up and I will be 20 soon. I still want to experience more things in my 20s)5. My dog (I cannot forget my little one and how much she will miss those treats)I really should not die yet Some things that makes me keep on living,Suicidal +20650,just got home from school and I am so tired of everything. today sucked fucking ass. i ended up crying on my way home.nobody cares. what is the fucking point? i might just h*ng myself. nobody would care anyway.i hate it here i might just do it,Suicidal +20651,"I have been feeling numb for so long, i feel like I have spent the past like 9 months walking around like a ghost. Just going through the motions and not really feeling anything. I used to cry just watching movies but for a while now I have not cried about real things until last night. I spent time with a coworker hanging out after work and I came to the realization that I have not been living. I am 20 years old and have a couple friends that I only see every once in a while because I hate leaving my house. I spend my days working or at the gym or laying in my bed. When I wake up the first thing on my mind is how can i get through the day fast enough so i can go back to bed. I feel lost and have no one to talk to. After hanging out with my coworker yesterday I sat in my car and cried for like an hour in the parking lot of a grocery store, and this morning at the gym I could not help but cry and I have been having tears coming out nonstop. When I was crying yesterday I wanted to talk to someone so bad but I could not, everyone sees me a strong person who can handle their emotions but I cannot and I am tired of pretending that i can. I just do not know what to do. All i want to do is lay under the covers and watch netflix but that is what I do all the time anyways. This is my first time sort of reaching out, I do not even let my thoughts form into real words because I am so afraid of there being something wrong with me. I want to be normal i want to be happy i want to be free and thrive and to love living life but i cannot keep on pretending. I tried pretending so that it feels real and so that i can convince myself that i am doing okay but I am not :( I cannot stop crying",Depression +20652,"I have been sinking deeper into depression, where I am thinking more and more about how valueless my life is and about death. My s/os life has drastically changed over the past few months, due to major social media exposure. I am keeping it vague to protect his or my identity. His friend group has expanded exponentially, and he all around is thriving. I have been his support since day one, and have always been proud of his accomplishments. I am genuinely happy for him. He deserves it. But I also have been suffering in silence, because I do not want to take away from his happiness but I have also gotten into this really negative place, where I am resenting him a little bit and feeling jealous I feel bitter and lonely, and feeling valueless, dealing with serious stuff, while hes out there living it up. I always want to build him up, and continue to do so, but I also feel soooo miserable at the same time. Being around it makes me feel extremely inadequate and insecure. Idk why I am being, or feeling, this waythis is not who I am. I love him deeply, and do not want to lose him, but I am finding myself withdrawingIdk where to go from here Hiding severe depression from my s/o, while hes out living his dream.",Depression +20653,"I am sorry if this is the wrong place for this post, but I was not sure where else to ask this kind of question.The long version of this story is in my post history, but basically what happened is that I saved someone from a car accident and later found out that she was trying to kill herself and I stopped her, and now she might have to live with permanent injuries.How would you feel about someone that helped you if you were in this same scenario? Do you think you would always be upset with them for ruining your life? I stopped someone from committing suicide and I guess now I am just looking for some perspective on how they might feel about that?",Suicidal +20654,Since I have not been depressed in 4 days the voices have been gone and my mind is in peace.My moods are still going up and down but for now I am ok. I only hear voices when depressed. (Victory)!,Depression +20655,I lost my job about 3months ago and just recently got a new one..in that time I fell behind on alot of bills and it is just piling on I am about to lose my car possibly get evicted and I am just at the end I do not know what to do Buried,Depression +20656,I have been sorta contemplating if I should talk here or not so I decided to just fuck it and do it. Lately life has been a bitch and has not been quite nice to me. I sorta carry around other peers issues in my head and they sorta become my own and it makes me suicidal and depressed whenever it bothers me. Most of the issues are from my ex and my current girl too. They just act like its nothing and they push it onto me. It breaks me slowly. I try to put boundaries up but either way they break past it. I realized that I got to live with others issues for the rest of my life. I already have my own issues but they have worsened. I have been having thoughts of suicide for the last month or so. Everything just seems to crash down on me randomly. Hello this is my first time here,Depression +20657,my vaccination turn is came but cannot decide to get or not. I am pretty suicidal and do not want to waste someone is. cannot decide to get vaccine,Suicidal +20658,"I just feel so bad all the time. I cannot do anything and it pisses everyone off. I can hardly leave my house because I am so terrified of interacting with other people. Every time I get frustrated or see bad or upsetting news, even if it is not my own, I lose control and literally beat myself in the head and legs.I am in therapy but it does not feel like it is helping. They want to refer me to psychological testing since they are not really sure what is going on with me. They think it might be avoidant personality disorder but I need to see someone else to make sure.I am so terrible with people and being around them feels so bad but I want to be friendly and friends with people but I have no idea how that works. It is like I am missing some social gene that everyone else has, but without being autistic.I have tried the self help shit too but it basically amounts to ""do not worry and be confident!"" and I am like ""thanks I am cured???"" well shit guess I am going to be a fucked up hermit forever.I am just so tired of feeling alone all the time and not being able to leave the house except to go to work, and I can hardly even do that now.Sometimes I fantasize about walking into the middle of a busy intersection and just blowing my head off in front of everyone waiting just so everyone can see what happens to people like me. I do not want to die yet but if I were to lose everything I can see things turning out like this. I think about this a lot.I do not know if this post even makes any sense and I might not respond because even talking to people on the internet freaks me the fuck out. Sorry. I will try to read responses at least if I do not fucking run away from notifications like I always do. I do not want to kill myself but I do not know where else to post",Suicidal +20659,"When that feeling of loneliness kicks in and you just cannot suppress it, what the fk do you do? I just cry till I sleep. And tomorrow, like nothing happened.When i have suicidal thoughts I go on chat only omegle and put on my interests suicide and suicidal and talk with strangers. It helps, at that moment, talking with people that feel like I do. But the emptiness I feel today i know i will feel it tomorrow. I just cannot satisfy myself. I want things to change, I try to change them but my feelings never change. that is all for today. Come again. I will be here till I die or I jump off a tall building. Alone again",Depression +20660,"Anyone else? I have been saying since I was a little girl that I wanted to die by 30. I am 21 now and I hope that is the case. I am ready to leave whenever that is. Tomorrow. Today. Next week. Idc. Life should not be like this. Misery for money your WHOLE life until you die? I want to travel the world. See the earth, explore, try new food. But it is tough when you cannot afford school for a real career haha. I am stuck on long island and that really makes me sick to my stomach. Money would cure me. I cannot wait till the day I die.",Depression +20661,"and I am only 20. I am ready to give up, i just want to get away from all of this.",Suicidal +20662,"Currently in a meeting at work. Going through a bad tick right now of negative feelings (very common for mehave highs and then super lows) but as far as most people are concerned, nothing is wrong with me because I do not show viable symptoms. I wish I could flip the switch back to good mood time so badly but I just sit here constantly telling myself bad things about myself with serious apathy and hopelessness while trying to keep composure at work. I know physical pain can because depression, too, but at least you can vent a little without people thinking your just sad and the shit in your head causes 0 pain. I have basically resorted to writing what I am feeling in my Notes app in my phone because its the only time I feel like I can say how I am actually feeling without feeling like someone thinks I am just over exaggerating or feel bad for even complaining about anything. So much pain but kept silent",Depression +20663,Guys i would want to talk with you about my situation.I do not know if i will arrive at the end of this summer.My life sucks and i cannot keep living in this way for any more Living without a social life always lying on my bed crying is exhausting forAn 18 years old guy like me and i will not keep like this.What should i do ? Nobody seems to like me and i keep thinking of suicide me even though i am too weak to do that. Tired of living like this,Suicidal +20664,"No followup, I just liked the wordplay. I have been in a rut for so long it is become a ritual",Depression +20665,"Life is miserable, every minute of every day. I want very little, but even the smallest things are far too much to ever attain, no matter how much I struggle to get out of the hell I live. I day dream a lot, about a life that does not hurt all the time. I have people who love me. I am not in poverty and I am not constantly worried about what will break next and cost more money or how Ill make it to next week. And even these escapes hurt because I know that will never happen. I will never be wanted or loved. I will never have financial stability or resources. I end up hurting myself for being so stupid as to even think of something better. I hate my life. I hate how stupid I am. I hate that I do not have the spine to end things. I hate that Ill never get out. All I have is daydreams",Suicidal +20666,"I am not much of a reader, but I have recently wanted to give it a shot, I just do not know what book/books to start with. Most posts on here seem to be about dark or tragic topics and situations, so I thought I could offer a more positive topic that could benefit everyone here. What books have helped you cope or change your mindset while dealing with depression? Are there any books that you would recommend for someone who was/is battling depression?",Depression +20667,I do not know. Does this even make sense? I want to end my life but I am afraid what will happen after that. Nobody knows.,Depression +20668,"Anybody else feel like one day you might just end it? Part of me feels like there is always the potential of things getting broken, but I am so broken inside and people hate me for having gone through and going through severe depression. there is a part of me that wants to maybe move somewhere else and start fresh? I do not know anymore. One day",Suicidal +20669,"I failed 10th grade, a have an option to make up some of the stuff and maybe pass but I cannot do it. I have been trying to focus for weeks on it and now the deadline is in 2 days. I have absolutely nothing done. How am I supposed to survive in the world when I cannot pass one grade in high school. I have been on the edge for a while, close enough that I have visited the ward for it. I do not want to live and let everyone see me as a failure redoing the grade. I am done. I have my date set for August 28th. This summer will be my last. Not excited to die but I guess it is been postponed for way too long. I wish I had longer but I cannot. I used to cut in order to ""punish myself"". This time that is not enough. I go on vacation with my friend in 4 days. My boyfriend struggles with suicidal thoughts and threatens that if anything happens to me that he will not be far behind. I know he will be angry but I have to add that in my note. I do not want him to miss out on an amazing life just because he is dazed with the idea of thinking I am all the world has to offer for him. I have made a date to go. I cannot allow the world to sustain me for much longer.",Suicidal +20670,"i fucking hate this world. I am a fucking piece of shit freak who cannot do anything except lay in bed and sulk without having a fucking breakdown. i deserve to die. there is nothing more and nothing less to it. its impossible for someone like me to be happy regardless. forever stuck in a body i hate, a childhood destroyed by monsters who never gave 2 fucks about me. ill always be socially nightmarish and scare people off. i hate this. december was the plan before but I am increasingly close to just calling it quits early. fuck the plan. I am convinced its impossible to be happy",Depression +20671,"I did not even realize it till recently. Always done bad in school & was pretty ignorant till I got a bit older (always thought mental health was a joke)I am 20 now although I still feel 18. I stopped going to school after my dad died & covid came just a few months after, then I did not get into college and have just been in my room the last year and a bit.Feel like I am wasting my life missing so many opportunities but I just cannot motivate myself to do anything. Most I can do is sometimes motivate myself to listen to Alan Watts or something similar.I did not even realise I was depressed because I always had pretty bad ADHD or at least I have always just been bad at focusing on doing stuff but since last year it is been X2 as bad Also I honestly cannot tell if it is potentially just denial or what but I have always just been cocky about myself even though I have always been bad at most stuff. I do not feel negative depressed all the bad emotion I feel is pretty much entirely frustration, stress & sometimes intense anger and hatred. Sometimes I want to kill my mom for failing to raise me (used to live with her, moved to child at 8 because of how malnourished I was, got to experience a normal income family life & got put living with her at 12 again since she left rehab but we were back to broke & homeless at one point for over a year)Then at other times I just totally think it is not her fault because she did not choose to be useless.she was just born that way it is not her fault. Been depressed since dad died",Depression +20672,"Life has taught me that if I can do something, it is not called talent, it just means someone else could do it too. Depression",Depression +20673,"I am Indian 17 years old(male) , I have an medical entrance in two months and we have not got our 12th grade marks yet due to covid, my parents are always arguing and fighting especially my dad is too violent with my mom for no reason I am very depressed and getting thoughts of suicide I have no other way, they are not being happy together always some kind of of issue. I wish I was never born. Sometimes I feel like they regret getting me as their son, I feel lonely. ...",Suicidal +20674,"Spent the past few weeks to meet all my friends and the family members who would still talk to me, since I thought it would be nice to see them one last time.&#x200B;I have fucked up everything I could in my life. I got a degree in a field in which I am unable to properly work in and I no longer see any point in doing it. I have become a useless piece of shit, unable to get out of bed in the morning.&#x200B;I unconciously sabotaged all of my relationships and ended up hurting all of my exes. I feel extremely lonely, but also I drink excessively on almost any social occasion, as it is the only way for me to stand most of the people around me. Most of my friends are metaphorically drifting away from me, which is, of course, good for them, since I have never really been a good friend and also they will have it easier for when I finally leave this world.&#x200B;I no longer find any joy in anything. I used to have lots of hobbies, was considered an extremely talented kid, I had dozens of great opportunities, I had some great plans, I wanted to see the world, be happy, do some good, but in the end I have failed in basically everything I could and I just want to leave this fucking mess. I just want to go.",Depression +20675,"Not sure where to start, I am finding life a constant struggle and I am tired and sick of it now. I feel like there is a massive weight crushing down on me. I cannot remember the last time I felt truly happy. I had an average childhood, my dad worked long hours so did not really build a relationship with him, my mam was the centre of the family. I suppose I will start when my family were involved in a horrific car accident, they all survived but sustained very severe injuries. My sister and mam were hurt the most, my sister was left with scars to her face but she battled through it and learn to live with it, my mam never really got over what happened to her. Life went on though and it became a memory we tried to forget. My mam then took Ill, she was diagnosed with cancer. We we all devastated but the surgeons had a plan and said they would fix it, she would survive but would need alot of surgery and rehabilitation, she went through the surgery and was on the road to recovery when she took her own life. Our world fell apart as you would imagine. She was a born worrier and I suppose the stress of it all just got too much for her. Again life went on although it was never the same again. I had my wife and children to focus on so the years passed as we carried on. I had the chance to take over and own the company I had worked at for many years so I took the opportunity to make a good life for my family,however the stress was immense and I could feel myself heading down and down into a breakdown, then I found out my wife had been having an affair with one of my best friends. This completely through me and destroyed every last thing I had in my life, I thought I could fix it, make it work with her but she no longer loved me so eventually I moved out. I set up home not far away from the family home and rebuilt my life for me and my children. I dated, had a few short relationships, then met someone who lives across the street, I thought this was the beginning of the rest of my life. Unfortunately, due to my wifes affair I now have trust issues, I find myself being controlling over my girlfriend. She continues to text her ex because they have 4 children together but this make me very anxious and causes alot of arguments between us. I have literally just told her we need to end our relationship because it is making me unhappy. To top this all off my sister has just been diagnosed with bowel and liver cancer, we were told its unlikely that its totally curable and that treatment will only slow it down. She adopted her son as a baby, hes now 9 years old, she is a single parent. My dad is not in the best of health but not life threatening, hes diabetic and struggles to control his sugar. I can see my life heading down a path I have no control over, I may lose my sister and dad over the next few years, I will be then responsible for raising my sisters adopted son, I have to work long hours to make ends meet but I do ok. I just feel like my whole like is falling apart and I am all alone. My kids are great but I only see them part time. Being completely honest they are the only thing keeping me going now but I am afraid that the way I feel that they might not be enough. I do not know what to do. I want to be happy but I feel like I am just not allowed to be and my life is to be one of misery and sadness. Sick of life",Depression +20676,"I wake up feeling sickly this morning, there is this constant feeling that I am about to have emotional breakdown. I have to go hide in my bedroom for few minutes just so I can cry but I cannot cry. I feel emotionally constipated. My children are around and I do not want them to see me crying. I do not know what is going on with me. Honestly I have never felt like this before. If I do not distract myself I can feel my heartbeat increase, I am scared of having a panic attack. I was having a bath the other night and I had this though what if I had heart attach and drowned and my children had to find me the next morning. I could not relax after that and got out. I have these thoughts all the time. sometimes I have thoughts of my children being murdered or assaulted as soon as I am about to fall a sleep. oh sleep I have not been able to sleep for a long time. I feel soo alone today, I cannot call my family or friends. What do I even say to them, how do I explain what I do not understand. I am really hurting today. I am hurting",Depression +20677,Everyday is just a struggle to survive. Trying to find a reason to live. Sleeping is the only way I can be at peace.. what is the point,Suicidal +20678,"Just when I thought I could make a new friend and have someone to talk to, someone I can relate with, she just openly admits she was using me and had ulterior motives that I did not meet. Nice. At least she admitted to it... but why must everyone be so fake all the time? She enjoyed my company, or so I thought, but because she could not control me she is gone. It feels like the world is just mocking me at this point honestly. People suck and it is so disappointing all the time. Why must everyone be so fake and manipulative?",Suicidal +20679,"Spent the past few weeks to meet all my friends and the family members who would still talk to me, since I thought it would be nice to see them one last time.I have fucked up everything I could in my life. I got a degree in a field in which I am unable to properly work in and I no longer see any point in doing it. I have become a useless piece of shit, unable to get out of bed in the morning.I unconciously sabotaged all of my relationships and ended up hurting all of my exes. I feel extremely lonely, but also I drink excessively on almost any social occasion, as it is the only way for me to stand most of the people around me. Most of my friends are metaphorically drifting away from me, which is, of course, good for them, since I have never really been a good friend and also they will have it easier for when I finally leave this world.I no longer find any joy in anything. I used to have lots of hobbies, was considered an extremely talented kid, I had dozens of great opportunities, I had some great plans, I wanted to see the world, be happy, do some good, but in the end I have failed in basically everything I could and I just want to leave this fucking mess. I just cannot take it any more.",Depression +20680,"I do not want to socialise anymore. I do not want to make friends. I do not want to post online. I do not want to meet anyone new. I do not want to do anything. I just want to disappear into a void of darkness. A dark black hole where my existence is forgotten about while I slowly perish. The pain does not stop, you just learn to live with it. But how much more can I take? that is the real question. People are disappointing. Every new friendship turns me into a doormat of a person, slowly putting up with others uneducated disgusting ways of life. My friends are late all of the time, they do not even tell me that they are late, they just turn up like nothing happened. My friend forgot about our plans the other day. My boss always cancels my shifts because hes not feeling good or too busy to get to work. I get it. People have their own lives and you should put yourself first but that does not mean you should absolutely shit on your friends. I have made some bad decisions in my life. I have done some fucked up things but I am not the same as I used to be. I took time to heal, I took time to sort my life out, which brought my shitty friendship issues to the surface. I spend most days talking to myself in public or at home, pretending that I am a good friend of mine. Its better to be alone than it is lonely in the wrong persons company It does not end.",Depression +20681,"I have feelings for my friend who also has depression and past significant trauma which is his Tory not mine to tell. And I just feel so broken. He knows how I feel. We are not talking right now and it hurts. He says he cannot be any type of support especially emotional support, he never had it and does not know what to do (yet he has done things I consider emotionally supportive). I see people mention not being able to have empathy with others or other things when it comes to being depressed. I do not understand that. I have too much empathy, I feel too much all the time. I hurt easily and just feel unloveable. I just want to understand his side and would like to know what is going on in his head. But I know I cannot, I cannot force anyone to talk. I do not know where I am going with this, my head is confused. I just ruminate and it does not stop no matter what I do. Unloveable",Depression +20682,"Going through a really rough night again. Normally I would just wait this out or hit up a stranger online to vent or distract myself but I am really not feeling it right now. I had just woken up from a nap about an hour ago to eat dinner. I already prepared the food and all I needed was to eat but my cat started acting crazy and it pissed me off. I tried to calm myself down but I spent 30 mins trying to distract my cat from chasing this cockroach at the other end of the room. For some reason that kind of triggered something in me and it caused me to lose my appetite. Decided to put the food in the fridge instead and went upstairs to my bedroom, and punched the wall several times. I do not know why I did it, but it just happened. Now I am in bed, and I am starving, my knuckles hurt and I am fucking bawling. cannot think of anything but offing myself. Maybe things just piled up again so I am feeling a lot of things. My cat had nothing to do with it at all but I do not know. I just feel incredibly tired and alone all of a sudden, and all I can think of is harming myself. Incredibly irritated and overwhelmed. All I can think of is offing myself",Suicidal +20683,"I cannot anymore, it was the last straw. I lost all my files on my computer today. All of them, so many important stuff. A few days before buying a backup drive! I tried everything to recover the files but nothing worked. My life is nothing but failures, everything is fucking falling apart. I do not have the strength to bother with it anymore. there is no point. I just hang myself tonight and everyone will be happy. Everything seems to be against me. Like nothing works and every time I can only fail. No matter how hard I try, nothing works. I am a failure and the world hates me, nothing new",Suicidal +20684,"There is absolutely nothing I can do to live a happy life. I need help with everything and it is just at a point where I am tired. I have told my people in my family that I am probably going to kill myself and they just shrug it off and say ""do not say that"". I love my parents so much. I feel like such a burden and if I die I will just be helping them. Why was I born?.. what cruel fucking joke is this?I am at the stage where I am not fucking bluffing about it anymore I am just planning how and where and when.it is been this way for about 4 years... 4 years of constant thoughts of offing myself, I am honestly surprised I did not do it earlier. 16yr old male with Dyspraxia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, adhd and possible asd and agoraphobia. I am ending myself at age 18 or 17.",Suicidal +20685,"I hope this is ok to share here. I recently shared a post about my experience with LifeLine (# 13 11 14) and how it was not much help. So I have done some research into more hotlines people may find helpful or need. Feel free to comment any more numbers. * FriendLine - 1800424287For anyone feeling lonely and needs to chat/reconnect (7 days a week)* Kids HelpLine - 1800551800Specifically for people aged 5 to 25 (24/7)* MensLine Au - 1300789978Specifically for men (24/7)* Open Arms - 1800011046For veterans and families (24/7)* Suicide Call Back Service - 1300659467For anyone thinking or for someone you know thinking about suicide* PANDA - 1300726306For anyone suffering Perinatal Anxiety & Depression (Mon-Fri/9am-7:30pm, AEST)* QLife - 1800184527For LGBTI+ of all ages (7days/3pm-midnight, AEST)* HeadSpace - 1800650890Specifically for people aged 5 to 25 and families (7days/9am-1am,AEST)* BeyondBlue - 1300224636For depression, anxiety (24/7)* Blue Knot Foundation - 1300657380Support for survivors of childhood trauma and abuse and for family and friends (7days/9am-5pm,AEST)* Butterfly Foundation - 1800334673For people with eating disorders and body image related issues Hotlines (Australia)",Suicidal +20686,"But I do. I am exhausted. Since I was 12 I have been suicidal and thought maybe I would get over it. I have been to psychiatric units seven times in my life, tried at least six different kinds of medication, and have been to therapy for years. After 6 years of this it switches between unbearable to actually trying to deal with it. I am 18 now. The worthlessness I feel stops me from achieving my goals. An inferiority complex that I have been festering since I was nine has increasingly grown and absorbed my mind. I want to meet people and have friends, that is all I truly want true friends. But because I feel that I am inferior to everyone I do not deserve it nor will anyone ever like me for who I am. I have had other accounts on Reddit and have commented on this subreddit, yet, I still do not seem to get better. People will tell me I will, I am young, I have a whole life ahead of me, but it just does not happen. Its the same cycle, its tiring. I am out of high school, I should be balking and having the time of my life, but its selfish to think that. So much has happened in the past, so much shit that is hard to conceive even for myself. It makes me feel ashamed. And therapy does not help with it. I hate myself. I do not really want to die",Suicidal +20687,"I am fucking sick of everything. I do not know why I am even still alive, none of this means a fucking thing anyway. I am so fucking bored. Bored to the fucking deepest depths of my soul. I hate being alive. I hate being fucking depressed all the time. Nothing helps, not the fucking pills or the therapy or any of it. Just hit three months sober and clean from self-harm, does not change a fucking thing.I just want to be numb, I want to go on a huge drug filled bender, go somewhere with loud, angry music and just get so fucking high I forget I even exist. I do not care if its dangerous, do not give a shit if it kills me. do not have anyone to miss me anyway. I cannot even fucking do it because I am stuck in a fucking lockdown right now. Still, feel like I need to do *something* to break up this fucking monotony. No point getting drunk at home, cannot listen to loud music here, cannot even be alone here, no drugs either and getting drunk on its own does not really cut it for me anymore.I am just stuck in the same bullshit all the time, cannot break out of it. Stuck just thinking about all the ways to mix shit up, go on a bender, cover myself in cuts and get myself institutionalized, break my own arm, fucking set fire to something, I dunno.Just so fucking sick of living. want to say fuck it and do some impulsive shit",Depression +20688,"All I do is go through the motions. Chore after chore. Everything I used to find even remotely enjoyable is now just a chore. How do you keep going without hope? Without anything to live for? How am I supposed to live as this... *person*? I lost my only reason to live, and realized too late. Now it is just me and my dogs and I am just waiting for them to pass so I can end it. there is nothing else for me anymore but the waiting is torture. I do not know how much longer I can do this.",Depression +20689,"First off, this is for people who might feel the same and can identify with my problems. I do not even know why I am writing on the internet to complete strangers. Maybe it is a cry for help. Nobody knows how I truly feels.I am constantly lying to myself by saying stuff like ""oh, your life is not that bad, so stop complaining"". Well it is and i do not think my feelings lie, since I can count the times I have been truly happy over the last 5 years on one hand. This is not a life I want to live. I am not at a huge risk of ending my life. let us say it that way, I would not mind if I had a deadly motorbike crash. I do not care.If you want to put me in a category (i kind of like it because it gives my problems names), here we go: I am highly sensitive, got diagnosed with depression like 7 years ago (I am M, 23), have ADD (attention deficit disorder and social anxiety (probably because of my character and the depression). I am super unhappy with my job, never had a relationship in 23 years and probably never will because I hate being around more than like 5 people for longer than 30 minutes. I do not think any girl would find that attractive, also I am a loser. A huge loser and the worst part of it all is, that I am too much of a pussy to stand up for myself or even end this shitty thing of a life. If you feel the same, you are not alone I guess. I am sorry for existing and even bothering people. Maybe someday I will find the courage to kill myself, I really hope so. My deepest wish is to be truly happy. But even when I feel fairly confident about myself for a moment, that gets crushed down by self hate and frustration. I also want to be seen. Women just see me as a nice guy who makes jokes and always helps. I do not hate women and tbh, I would not date me, since nobody wants to deal with this shit, I am only a huge burden, trust me. Still, I am seeking for love and affection.I just want it to end and I do not care how. I have been going to many psychologists and I have taken lots of meds. Nothing works in the long term. Daily suicidal thoughts triggered by bad mood break my heart. I think so often about it. Still I am unsure if I am able to do it, i do not think so.I am sorry if I bothered anybody. I just needed to out myself I guess. Have a good day. My slow death",Depression +20690,"When you feel depressed, or know that you are, you cannot help it. You cannot help yourself from feeling a certain way. It changes the way you think, the way you act. When you are depressed, people do not usually treat you with much compassion or understanding. They do, however, become sympathetic when you die by suicide. that is how it is. Once you take your life, people start to post your photos with captioned stories of how amazing you were when you were alive and how much they will miss you. The sad truth is, the same people who do this are the same people who saw you at your lowest and ignored it. I have been having a difficult time to feel constant happiness. I have been having suicide thoughts for a long time. I just do not want to live anymore. There are times that I have tried but to be honest, during the times that I tried I guess I always knew that it was not going to kill me I guess it was a call for help? But what if it actually does kill me. What if I went to far and actually end up dying.. Its not even the fact that I could die that scares my but what does is not knowing what happens after. What happens after I die? do I really go to hell for killing myself? Will i just be a ghost roaming around earth? Will I have another life? Will nothing happen and Ill just cease to exist? What if nobody cares that I am gone? What if things will get better one day and I would not know since I killed myself? At this point I do not think its a question of whether or not ill kill myself but rather its a question of when I am going to kill myself. I know that things eventually get better but fucking shit its taking a hella long time. Thoughts",Suicidal +20691,I have had a lot of support from my family. Except from my bfs family and he himself does not want the baby. I have had a lot going on in my personal life where people have tried to tear me down and rip me apart. And its to the point where i feel like I am this horrible person who cannot do anything right. I feel like a disappointment to everyone including my baby. I do not want the baby to have a suicidal depressed mother like me. I want the baby to have a strong figure in its life. I am wanting to kill myself to the point where I have been planning it in my head. I want to do it after i give birth so my baby has a chance at life and can have a strong loving family and not a burden of a mother. I have gone through so much trauma and abuse to the point where I feel that my very existence was just to bring the baby into the world other than that I am not worth anything. Pregnant and wanting to kill myself,Suicidal +20692,"its alright, its never going to happen. they do not ever think about you in the first place. you hopeless dumbass. I am so cowardly i wish the person i love would just fucking slit my throat because i cannot do it myself",Suicidal +20693,"I am never going to get anyone to understand the constant feeling I have of not wanting to live, but also being incredibly fearful of death. I cannot be the only one who feels this. This world is so draining to me and I just do not want to be in it anymore. Its too much, but I also do not want to die because the thought of that abyss just sends me into a panic. What do I do to deal with this. I do not know how to explain this to people:",Depression +20694,"I have been off medication for a while now. have not seen the psychiatrist and my bank may actually be thanking me for this. My mental health, I am not quite sure since the more recent sessions have not been effectiveThere are days, like today, that I just feel off. That I feel down. I knew today was going to be a stressful workday and I wanted to tackle it head on but I just could not for some reason. I was filled with so much stress and anxiety over a deliverable earlier. Even now, I am dreading future devlierables and I am so close to breaking down. I am incredibly tired. I just want a break from everything. I want to close my eyes at night, fall asleep and wake up to a peaceful morning that will eventually lead to a peaceful evening.I crave for peace so much. Why cannot I have it? I want a break from everything.",Depression +20695,You have all of eternity to not exist. So exist for as long as you can. If you die from other causes besides suicide its the same. Your gone for eternity. Why rush to it? I understand that your life can be horrible and unfair. You are not your family and you are not your situation. there is a chemical imbalance in your head telling you you want to die. I have experienced mental pain and its horrific how your own mind can try to convince you to die. You are your own person regardless of where your from and who you came from. This experience we call life is fascinating and exciting. Just take a moment to feel your body and your breathing. We are the only animal to realize what death is. Its ceasing to exist in this reality. Regardless of what your life entails its amazing that we get to see what the universe has created and experience it for good or bad. do not off yourself.,Suicidal +20696,"this is the 4th silent breakdown i got from the span of 5 hours. I tried to dismiss the pang in my throat bc i did not want my family to notice I am on the verge of crying. I may have joked a lot of times about being the first one to die. Idk maybe i am an asshole for being interested in my family's reaction once they see me in my deathbed. I do not know my mental state, since I am not financially independent to go secretly get myself a shrink so here i am in suicide watch writing this post. I have been feeling depressed for the last 5 years, i suddenly get upset and have this pain in my throat that really hurts. I tried opening up to my parents that my tendencies of suicidal ideation had tremendously increased especially this year. But unfortunately they are the type that does not believe in such illnesses and only brand them as made up stuffs for people that are seeking attention. I tried to open up but in return they just said I am copying my bestfriend (my bestfriend was diagnosed with major depressive disorder along with BPD ) and i easily let the ""demons"" fester inside of me bc i do not go to church that much anymore. Maybe they do have a point, but I am still uncertain i cannot go self-diagnose since I am not a professional and maybe I am also overreacting. But there are times where i really want to end it right there and there, but I am too much of a coward to hurt myself so rather i tend to distract myself by either researching on painless death or just indulge in fictional literatures. Maybe i do not want to die, maybe i just want to disappear for a while because everything suddenly feels overwhelming and it is exhausting and hurting at the same time. I want to open up to my friend but i do not want to bother them knowing they have their scars too, maybe even deeper than mine. I have been trying to distract myself, it is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. During the first year, i just sleep it all off whenever i notice these dangerous thoughts randomly popping up, but then suddenly they became more enticing? more louder. the fact that i cannot sleep so in return i tried to find a new way, which is indulging myself into the fictional world. But now it seems it keeps getting worse the more i try to ignore them, maybe 5 years is my limit. I managed to keep my wrist clean but now I have been trying to slice it (although the minute i notice I am doing it i immediately back off) Whenever my parents nag about my slothful behavior i keep getting reminded of the awful threats I have thrown to them, making me feel guilty and even feel more like a piece of shit. When they told me I am just copying my ""mentally ill"" bestfriend just to garner attention, it felt like they pushed a button. I spouted nonsense angrily and even threatened them that I would really kill myself. And then it felt like they were mocking me knowing those were just empty words, and i do not have the courage to do it. In addition they also guilt trip me that i will not be able to spend my time in heaven with them, since I will be rotting in hell. Because of that the thoughts of killing myself just to tell them ""see ma, pa, i could do it"" multiplied. I feel guilty for thinking this way because despite them being ignorant about mental health, they never lacked in other aspects. I know they care a lot about me in their own ways, that is they were always trying to provide me mh needs. The audacity i have to tell them such hurtful words adds up to the guilt that has been keeping me up at night. Maybe I am just being a brat. Idk I am just really tired, i want to start all over again. I have been thinking of killing myself on the 6th of september. i probably back out again knowing I am a coward. Maybe that is a good thing, i do not even have the courage to slit my wrist. maybe i really am just an attention seeker but if there is one thing i know, i know my feelings are true and not certainly made up. this is so messy and my grammar is terrible but thanks for letting me post this mindlessly typing until my throat does not hurt anymore",Suicidal +20697,"Its been a year since I left college due to a lot of shit happening in my life. When the pandemic first began I resorted to online classes. It was not so bad at first. And I was going to continue in the fall 2020 but in the past years summer my grandfather died. It was hard for me to process all of this. I could have kept going but I choose not to.Deep down I really want to be someone in life. I want to continue with my studies and be successful again. I was a straight A student when I first attended community college and graduated with top honors. After transferring to uni my first semester there sucked. I was struggling despite my efforts, the advisors did not really cared what classes I took and even misguided me on the classes I was not suppose to take, etc. I left that school because I knew I was not happy so I left and went back to my community college to make up for my poor performance. That was all before the pandemic began.My depression has been holding me back. I do not know who I want to be but I am willing to work hard again. Even one of my old teachers who I keep in touch with agrees that I should dust myself off and move forward with who I want to be. How do I figure out what I want to be and leave the past behind? I quit school over a year ago due to death in the family admits the pandemic. Am I failure to leave school behind? Could I ever go back and figure out who i want to be?",Depression +20698,"I do not want to give you all some BS motivation, say you can do it, or life is hard. I want to give you guys a story of mine.I am not going to bore anyone with details, but from a young age, I was basically physically tortured as a child. I thought it was all normal until one night I had a major epiphany on an acid trip/deep conversation at 6 am.After this realization, I became majorly depressed. No money, no friends, no energy, no thoughts, and just drugs.I spent a month in my dorm room (freshmen year) doing absolutely nothing. I slept 12 hours a day (9 am to 9 pm). Pissed in bottles to avoid leaving my room, ate 1 sandwich a day, got high, and listened to music. I did not care about anything. I eventually moved back in with my parents (stayed depressed for another 5 months), stayed in school, worked, and eventually graduated. I now live with my gf and our dog. I still have some issues but nothing I cannot handle.I just want to let everyone know that story and I hope everyone finds their own way. Tell your story here and I will read it with a genuine reply because I know what it is like. It never goes away, it is a cycle that keeps us awake some nights.For those of you that are in the situation that I was in, try to do 1 or 2 things a day that are good for you. Whether it is brushing your teeth, or eating one more meal than normal.. <3 Depression Community Story.. sparking hope?",Depression +20699,"So ever since corona I have became interested in what is happening around the world and honestly it has shocked me. I live in a small indian towns,full of all the dumb stuff you find out side rich eating port, people being bad to each other just because, politicians doing literally the opposite of what they are supposed to do,rape, murder, mysoginy,abliesn,fucked up family mantel illens you na eit it is here and I always thought the world is better but it is not,the world it literally on fire. I do not want to have billions and mansions I just want to live but where? Everywhere I see it is fucked up literally everywhere. China America Israel are just the top contestant,then the other issue. Literally everything I want to do has been to much monetized and I do not have any money to spend and byt the time I get money well the world is dying. what is the point of doing anything if in the nxt decade Ithere is a high chance I might not live what is the fucking point of anything if it is all ending. Losing the will to do anything",Depression +20700,"Hi, first time writing here. I am an 18 yo girl and its been a month, maybe more, since I have noticed these things. During this period I have not been myself. The main thing I am noticing is that I have been really numb to everything; I often find myself wanting to feel something, like sadness, but not being able to. Its like I am indifferent to everything. In addition, before summer came, I used to work out and read everyday, but I cannot find the energy to do these things anymore, even if I love them. The only time I feel better is when I go out of the house. When I am home, everything feels boring and I do not know what to do. I do not know how to explain this feeling, I feel completely hopeless towards life, like every thing I currently look forward to is eventually going to pass and there is actually nothing to be excited for. For example, when I am feeling excited for an upcoming event, I sometimes find myself thinking ""and after that?"", feeling like I am stuck in this loop where every moment of happiness is temporary.I do not know if this is useful, but I think i need to say that I also have some anxiety attacks sometimes, even if they are pretty rare. The reason why I am deciding to take this seriously is because its been a long time since I have noticed these patterns, and I am usually able to ""get back on track"" quickly. The last thing I want to do is self diagnose myself, but I do not know how to talk to a professional, I am scared that I am imagining this and I also do not know what would I say to my parents since they do not really believe in these things. Could this be depression? Are these symptoms of depression?",Depression +20701,"Waking up to work, eat, work, then sleep to meet another same routine. Communicating with other people is tiring. I just want to sleep forever.When I go to a high place, a desire to jump come into me. To other people it might just seem like I was daydreaming. I really want to jump.So tired. Life is boring",Suicidal +20702,"I guess by next year, I will be dead. I just want to put an end to this suffering. If I am reborn, I just want to have a quiet life. I am just counting the days.",Suicidal +20703,I cannot stand it I cannot stand anyone I hate people I hate myself I cannot talk to people everyone says I am odd even teachers i want to be left alone please Please Leave Me Alone,Suicidal +20704,"I feel like if I die right now no one would care. I do not matter and I do not think I deserve to be here. I really do not know what to do. Counselling has not helped and there is no one in my life who I can speak to. I want to die. I cannot do it anymore, I genuinely cannot. I feel tired all the time. I have zero friends and there are weeks I go without speaking to any other person. there is literally no one in my life. I feel like I do not matter.",Suicidal +20705,"He took a lot, whatever was in arms reach. Definitely a whole new bottle of 800mg strength ibuprofen along with a bottle of Tylenol (unsure of how much), a lot of Benadryl and some oxycodone. Good news is he was found passed out in his bed only an hour later (from when he was last heard from and sounded normal) and was taken to the hospital immediately, so max of an hour and a half passed before treatment started. The doctors are only really saying that they are actively counteracting the medicine but that it will get worse before it gets better, and his labs are reflecting that (getting worse). they are not giving any indication of chances, of possible long term damage, etc. All we know is that he has not fully come around. Can anyone give me any real perspective? Realistic expectations? Best and worst case scenarios? Please. And thank you. Brother overdosed last night",Suicidal +20706,"I have been depressed since I was fifteen and am in my late twenties now. it is hard to shower and take care of myself no matter what. I am on meds, I have done therapy, TMS, and have not gotten any relief from the constant exhaustion and fatigue. Can anyone recommend any medicine, diets, therapy, or exercise that has helped them? it is hard not to feel hopeless. Low motivation and energy for years, suggestions appreciated",Depression +20707,Someone who does NOT have to live with my body and my memories is not entitled to tell me that I am worth something. There is nothing good or sweet-tempered about cheering me on to live this life. I do not want to hear how strong I am. I only endure this because I love my friends and family (who hates me) and our society does not tolerate suicide. Why I hate hearing anti-suicide stuff,Depression +20708,"I am switching between meds and I have been told to take halves for a couple days then nothing for a couple. Today is the first day of nothings, its not going well, but there is a song I have known practically my whole life that is running around my brain from section to section. Its that song from The Wedding Singer where Robbie is in the midst of a complete breakdown. Idk what its called but its a mood. I am switching meds but its making me sing.",Depression +20709,"Really thinking about just getting ran over and shredded by a train. Been reading up about that why and seems pretty foul proof and seems like not much can wrong.I am afraid to jump off a bridge and some how survive with my whole body broken and if that happened holy I do not even know what I would do at that point.Everyday is just getting harder and harder, I am literally about to snap on life. I fucking hate life so much. Everyone ask me why? Is there a reason needed for this bullshit life this is called.Sorry for rantting but honestly just want to kill my self every fucking second what goes by. do not you just hate when you wake up and your still alive? I just want to be dead so bad but I am such a wuss to do so. Honestly what is a better way to kill myself, getting hit by a train or jumping off a bridge?",Suicidal +20710,"So I am out of town and realized I forgot my medication. it is been four days and will be four more before I get home. And this morning I caught myself thinking how I cannot wait to die, which I have not done in months!! I am also super irritated and every interaction I have with people is getting on my last nerve. do not worry, I have no intention of harming myself, but man, my brain sucks!! Lol. Why cannot it just behave and think happy thoughts? My brain is a dangerous place.",Depression +20711,"My wife who I love so unconditionally snapped I think because of COVID and left and has refused to talk at all and has practically ghosted and blocked me and our entire relationship in a couple of days. I have so much emotional baggage and love for this person, now I am all alone and do not want to continue this existence anymore. Heavily thinking of ending it all",Suicidal +20712,Overdosing sounds like one way. What are others? How to make your suicide looking like accident?,Suicidal +20713,"hey humansgive me your thoughts on this please.i want to become a narcissist, someone who think of himself as the greatest person someone who look in the mirror and jerk to his beauty!depression make us the opposite of a narcissist and make us hate ourselfs. and make us ruminate over how fucked up we are.so i will start ruminating on how great i am, i will take an action i do during the day and make it the greatest action i human ever did.i hope you get my pointi made 4 alarms every few hours, to remind me to ""jerk to myself"" to my greatness.fyi, i am on meds for depression. becoming a Narcissist is the way out",Depression +20714,"When I was young around 6-8 I always hung out with a girl in my neighborhood, she made me do bad things like smoke and start fires, but the wrost thing she told me about was probably the hub and for some reason after that I have became addicted to it. So I guess a few months back, I did something absolutely horrible and disgusting, ever since than I cannot stop feeling guilty and such. Now what I did was well... I am not sure how to put it in words but I guess if I put it simply, I was watching the hub and came across something else that made me curious and I kind of made my dog lick me in an inappropriate place.. this only happened once after again out of curiosity.. To clarify! I am not attracted to animals and I did not enjoy! it cannot! stop feeling guilty and I am not sure what to do.. I am only 13 almost 14 and I feel like I fucked everything up.. I absolutely hate myself for what I have done and I have been wondering, is my life even worth living for? I have done so many horrible things, so how can my life be anything important? Am I a rapist? Will I ever be a good person or am I doomed to be this monster of a human? I know humans do stupid things all the time but can I ever be normal again? Will it be okay if I stop feeling guilty and forget that it ever happened? I want to tell my new therapist when I meet them about what I did but I am scared it will be on my record or they will see me as disgust. I am just really scared. I am so disgusted and frustrated with myself lately because of that event that I have been hurting myself lately again.. I cannot live with myself anymore. I have only become more like my dad and I hate it so much, why do I have to existence? I keep ruining things and making bad decisions. there is no hope for me is there? I am scared to stop feeling guilty because I feel like that will make me more of a bad person. I really do not want to be a rapist or overall even a bad person. I do not know what I should do. I cannot tell anyone or they will hate and be disgusted with me. I am a disgusting and horrible person.",Suicidal +20715,HelloI just want to know how did you know that you had depression (by that i mean how did you know that you should check a professional) How did you know about your depression?,Depression +20716,"Please it is killing me. I have absolutely no friends and it makes me want to die. People keep saying go to clubs and stuff but that will not happen overnight and right now I am constantly thinking how much of a loser I am and how I should not exist and I do not know how to feel relief. it is hard to make progress when you are constantly hating yourself. All suicide prevention stuff says contact a friend which I do not have and it makes me feel worse, like no one would care if I died. I really need help coping with this pain. How to deal with dark thoughts?",Depression +20717,When I get pressured to go out anywhere I will have a good time and laugh for like a couple minutes then I literally feel my serotonin just all drain and then I literally cannot smile or laugh after that and it is ducked up because I want to laugh and smile after somone cracks a joke or somthing but I cannot and I was wondering if anyone had any ideas how to fix this cannot have a good time,Depression +20718,So recently i got blackmailed for the 2nd time in 4 years and i just feel like shit. My passed resurfacing all over again. Its like all i am is nudes i took years ago when i was not even of age. Its scary to go out and live in fear if they would traffic me while i am on my way to school or to a store or where ever. I wear over sized clothes and always cover my face because i live in fear for my life. Some would say this is a bit much but if i tell you i had almost gotten close to being trafficked you would be doing the same. I just need someone to help put my mind at ease so i do not submit to their demands. I eat very little and sleep enough to get by. But i just need something to get me through tonight. I need help,Depression +20719,Last night I was tired of living and ingested about 200mg of second gen antihistamines. This morning I felt next to nothing so I consumed another 500mg of them. I have not felt the effects yet but it feels liberating to know that if this does not work I can just overdose on ibuprofen or something. Am I wrong for feeling this happy? I just attempted suicide,Suicidal +20720,"Thanks. For everything. To my rapist, to my groomers, two my two abusive exgirlfriends, to my mom, to my dad, to my toxic irl friends, to my toxic fake friends on quotev, to my cyberbullys on quotev. I cannot take it anymore, the boiling point of a fucking app. I have tried to fucking hard to fight, and I just cannot anymore. My 14th birthday would be in less than a month but I am tired of living, I cannot do this anymore. I am tired of the constant abuse from everyone, I am shaking, I am scared to go, but at the same time, I am so ready. I have been waiting for this since I was 11. I know my girlfriend and my friends will miss me, but, the bad outweighs the good at this point. Goodbye (nb, 13)",Suicidal +20721,I am such a retarded useless piece of shit I will probably die naturally for being homeless. I do not want to suicide but dying naturally from being homeless works i do not want to suicide but i can die naturally for being homeless,Suicidal +20722,"I really cannot handle this anymore. I truly feel like I am not needed on the face of this planet. My own mother has the ability to turn any positive situation into a negative one. I am the only child and since we are in a lockdown currently, my mum is the only person I talk to and share things with but I just do not understand why would she turn anything I say into a negative statement and has the audacity to tell me things that are not remotely helpful.A few days ago, I told her that I am depressed and I do not know how to deal with things. I am unmotivated to work and I end up sleeping more than being awake just so i can escape reality. She just said ""you cannot be like that. work harder, be motivated..."" followed by another 30 or so minutes of unhelpful trash that came out of her mouth. When I tell her what is happening in the country, (I am from Malaysia btw), she immediately turns it against me and says ""did you do something?"" / ""do not go say things on social media"" in a very condescending way which hurts my feelings. you are my mother for fucks sake, how can you not know what type of person am I? I only have Instagram, nothing else. Even on that platform, I rarely post pictures. Even If i do, it is memes on my stories section.Every fucking thing is negative. I am truly embarrassed by the fact that I used to be a fucking racist asshole. I clearly see where I got that from. My parents. They do not just say things like ""that guy is a lazy person"" or ""Person A did not pay up on time"", they actually say things like this ""that guy is malay, that is why he is lazy"", and ""Person A did not pay. Indians what? Normal lah"". it is truly disgusting to hear this in my very own home. I hate the fact that I was born into a racist cunt of a family.On top of all this, the ministers in Malaysia are embarrassing us on an international level. Ordinary citizens are dying, raising white flags asking for help because they no longer have food at home. But the ministers are saying that instead of raising white flags, we should pray. What in the motherfucking fuck are these ministers thinking? Those who end up helping these affected people are given fines amounting to thousands of ringgits. Ministers can go to France or cross states when we are forced to be in a lockdown and stay at home. If we, as ordinary citizens cross the 10km mark from our home addresses, we would get a fine of RM10,000 for flouting movement control order rules but when ministers do it, they get a tiny RM1,000 fine which to them, is like RM10. Make a mistake and you can immediately be fined on the spot. Guess what my country does? They give RM15,000 fines to those who raised white flags. Mind you, those who raise white flags HAVE NO MONEY TO EVEN EAT. They do not have jobs, they have families and yet when they raise white flags, they get this shit. RM15,000 is USD 3,578!!I am truly heartbroken seeing all this shit going on in the country and in my very own home, I have no peace. I cry myself to sleep most nights and pray to god to save others. Save the poor. I lock myself up in my room for more than 20 hours a day, only going downstairs to get food. When I do go speak to my parents, I get negativity. I hate this life and I do not want a life like this. I have friends but it seems like they are unresponsive towards my messages or calls. I have reached out to some of them and I got nothing. Just blue ticked. I feel lonely man. I just want to end this and go to sleep. I cannot take it anymore",Depression +20723,"A few months ago, I told myself if I did not get good grades, that would be the end for me, Id kill myself because I would not get into a good college and Id never achieve anything. I practically bet my entire life on good grades. My grades came back good, I passed everything. But, its weird thinking that I was willing to throw my entire life away over this. I wonder if I would have gone through with it if the outcome was different. I put my life on the line and won.",Suicidal +20724,It literally drains all my energy and causes me soo much anxiety. I think it has lead gradually to me being depressed. But its the highest paid job i can get with my qualifications. Should i step aside and take a paycut to be happier?Is life ok working a low paid job barely scraping by? Will that just make me more depressed.. Introvert doing an extroverts job,Depression +20725,"Anyone else find that they cannot really feel too many positive emotions, and instead feel irritable towards new partner? I am trying to be able to discern whether or not I am just not into this person or if it is the depression speaking. it is not a constant irritability. For context I have been single for around 3.5 years, love alone time and this whole thing is an adjustment for me. it is been a couple months and I do not feel love. I feel kind of flat. Or otherwise irritated. Dating while depressed",Depression +20726,"I am starting my journey back to my normal today! Any advice, prayers, good energy that you all have please send my way! Limiting screen time is first ruleI do not want to Jinx myself but I hope to update every morning as part of my schedule. Redditors have been amazing during my bad days, feels right to have you all close. Thank you Reddit peoples! Todays the day!!",Depression +20727,"For context, due to trauma and mental illness, I have been unable to work for about six months.I am these six months I have found society really does not give a fuck about your mental stability and comfort if you cannot work. Care is difficult to access, you are constantly at risk of homelessness, it is difficult to get on disability and you are discouraged to even do so for the fact the SSI system is clearly broken and pays so little.Every single thing I have used to bring myself comfort costs more money than I can currently comprehend having as I am facing years of therapy and little to no income.A non shattered phone screen from a phone I repeatedly drop due to anxiety shakes and dissociative episodes? cannot afford it.Open up your laptop to write up some of your thoughts just go get them out? Your Microsoft office subscription has expired, because everything needs to be a continuing revenue stream to milk you dry.Want to watch Netflix? YouTube without ads that remind you about what you cannot afford and send you into a spiral? New shoes because you have one pair and it is been falling apart for the past year? Reup to your laser hair removal so you can look at yourself in the mirror crying. A new pair of underwear because you are somehow down to just three? Everything is too fucking expensive. And when you literally are taking no money in and facing not taking any money in for the foreseeable future, every single purchase seems like too much. Some days I do not eat because my bank account is too low and I cannot stand thinking about how it is going to feel when I am really hungry.TLDR; Money makes me anxious. Finances make me anxious. I want to fucking blow my brains out so I do not have to obsess over how fucking poor I am. Every time I see a news article about how rich Bezos is I want to puke. I just want to not cry about money while I am getting treatment. Everything has to cost money, and everything keeps costing money.",Suicidal +20728,I want to die been thinking about it a lot its nothing in my life going too bad at the moment but its just been a constant thought in my head. Id be playing videos games something I enjoy but the thought would come again and again idk,Depression +20729,So my girlfriend now has depression and I am supporting her in every way possible. She also has this overthinking thing. We had few fights earlier but we solved it in a really healthy way. But she started overthinking about everything and now she is questioning her loyalty and her feelings. she is like there is this voice in her head that tells her she is not the she thinks she is. But I trust her and believe in her. Sometimes those things she overthinks hurt me a little but still I listen to her everything and try my best to make her feel better. I need help like to how to cope up with this situation and help her come out of this thing. Were too broke for therapy. So yeah Overthinking and questioning herself,Depression +20730,"Hello guys this is my first time making a post and first time talking about this but I felt comfort in the anonymous environment, so firstly I have been having feelings of sadness and loneliness for a while now maybe a couple years and I just feel like I cannot trust anyone even my closest friends of years and years of friendship because I am so scared of being left venerable and sometimes I just feel like all the shit inside me just gets to a point where it blocks the light at the end of tunnel and sometimes I just feel like I am in a room enclosed by sandstone and my tears slowly erode away the stability and one day its all going to collapse and I am going to try and kill myself again but the thing is I do not want to, all I want is to have my old life back where I could wake up and look forward to the future instead of now where when I wake up I just think of how shit I am of a person and how worthless I am, for some fucking reason I have mentally tortured myself into thinking I need to protect people and if I cannot be there for the people I care about I am better off dead, but to be honest I do not think anyone would notice or care, and sometimes I feel like i cannot trust(as in be around them) or even talk to anyone because at any moment they might throw me under the bus, I find myself always looking over my shoulder and its eating me inside. I am really hell bent on joining the military to get away from this place just so I can go die a death that will not make other people think how much of a worthless piece of shit I am, and recently I have been really abusing drugs to numb everything like how I am using weed a lot more combined with alcohol and sometimes the harder drugs just so I can numb my body and feel maybe a inch of happiness, I do not know what I am going to do probably just go end it because I do not see myself getting any further I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +20731,"... But people on social media give me hope and reason to stay alive, as thin as that might be... What do I do? I really want to kill myself...",Suicidal +20732,"Why was not my attempt successfully, I guess Ill keep trying:) I have never been so disappointed in myself",Suicidal +20733,"Feel free to ignore this, I do not have a single person to talk to but I got to get this out._________I'm so exhausted and I do not know what to do anymore. My whole life (I am almost 24) I have been a tool and punching bag for various ppl, but mostly my mom. I have never gotten to figure myself out because my life has always revolved around my siblings- I am the oldest, and since we never had a decent father figure around that meant I was the second parent... or first, a lot of the time. All I know how to do is take care of kids and clean... I do not have anything going for me; no skills I can bring to a job. I could not even finish college because I have to keep taking care of my siblings, and now I am doing that all day almost every day. I cannot even get a crappy job to attempt to support myself, there is no time (and I have no car). The vast majority of my life is caring for kids and cleaning up after my whole family; apparently I am the only person capable of running dishes in a timely manner and taking out the trash... cleaning the whole kitchen and maintaining the house in general. If I do not do it then it does not get done (I cannot tell you how many times the trash has overflowed into a pile almost knee-high on the floor, how many times the sink has been so full we could not begin to wash anything in it yet had no clean dishes). I absolutely understand that I got to pull my weight around the house but considering I do damn near everything at this point... I am just a maid+nanny combo that is not being paid or respected.Speaking of being a nanny, that aspect is especially rough this time around. I am currently in charge of two kids (the others I have done raised already, they are adults now), one five and the other seven. The seven year old has ADHD (which I have handled before with a different kid, that is not a problem for me) and... ODD. I am in no way equipped to handle ODD, yet here I am trying my best while maintaining the house as if I am a single mom who signed up for this. I never did though... I did not birth these kids, I had no say in that decision. But here I am, taking the role as if I made this choice.I dunno what to do anymore. I am so incredibly stuck because of my mom's many, many mistakes. At this rate I am never going to be able to move out, to get a job and support myself and find out who the hell I am and what I want to do in life. I have no friends I can talk to about this stuff (ppl *always* abandon me. No one truly cares about me as person) or even other things, like what few interests I do have. I am totally alone in all this and I do not think I can keep going. I have tried so hard to push through all the abuse and nanny/maid work for most of my life for the sake of my siblings but I feel like I am losing my mind... and I am scared that I will be entirely fucked once these kids are grown and I am finally free since I cannot even remotely get a job at freaking 24 years old. I feel completely screwed over in every way and I do not see the point of continuing when my future is so incredibly bleak. I am so tired, I am at my wits end and nobody cares or even notices (I have tried explaining to my mom and grandma but both say that I should just suck it up and help as much as I can since I am still living here. I am the only one ""helping"" though, no one else does shit around the house), I have little time to myself and it just does not matter. **I** do not matter outside of what ppl use me for. I am sick of it and I am severely depressed. I am not even going to get into all the abuse, that is a whole other thing.If anyone read this and has *any* tips please please comment- I am so lost and sad and alone. Just venting I guess",Depression +20734,I do not want this life and body anymore. I am broken mentally and physically,Depression +20735,I cannot stop just breaking down and feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrel and I hate feeling this way. I am not in the worst place right now and I have come so far since life threw me all the shit it could. I hate breaking down especially near people. I just want to hide away and not come out or come to work or do anything. I started thinking about counseling but then when I thought about I have no idea where I would start or what is even triggering this. It would just be me sat there in silence saying I am struggling. But with no way of knowing why. I felt so stuck in the same god damn spot How do you get help when you do not even know why you feel this way?,Depression +20736,"I just cannot take it anymore. I live with my parents and I hear my dad saying the same things every day. He claims that there are liquid micro chips in vaccines, that 5G controls peoples minds and that the masonry is trying to decimate the human population. Just for context I have been hospitalized a few months ago against my will because of my treatment resistant depression. My parents made me move back home and live with them ever since, and instead of being supportive they have been extremely invalidating. My dad says that depression is a choice, and he secretly told my mom to throw away all my meds because they make me crazy. At dinner, I use hard facts and statistics to debunk the fake news he brings up every time, and he tells me to shut up, you are the one whose been to a psych ward not me and it just gets to me each time. It makes me feel completely worthless, like I am a crazy human being and my life does not count. My father invalidates my opinions by saying that I have been in a psyc ward so I am crazy.",Depression +20737,"So Ill preface the below by telling you I am okay, and sorry for how jumbled or confusing my thoughts may come across.Also the part that refers to being in pain. I suffer from chronic pain and doctors have given up looking for why and are just trying different drug after different drug to try and manage pain while also keeping me lucid enough to function.I am afraid of intimacy, this is two counts.One sexual intimacy, I cannot do it or images doing it because of what happened to me when I was young.Two I have had so many adults (almost all male) betray my trust. I was beaten by my siblings I was neglected by my parents. I feel that I do not let anyone see me the broken boy because its weekness to need others to trust others.Even all history aside friends tell me to let them know if I need anything, in society this mean jack shit. Not because that is peoples intention but because people are busy and self absorbed, you cannot expect a friend to drop everything to be there for you to have the tough convos.All I can think of is I cannot burden these people with my shit, who wants to hear there friend say that they want to kill them selves?That is also the reason I do not kill myself I cannot put people I care about through that trauma.Tonight I felt like killing myself, I am in pain I am loosing the last of my savings. I am addicted to caffeine and food especially the sugary fatty stuff like chocolate.I decided that I would go to the beach and look at the cold front, waves and wind. I wanted to feel something but felt nothing. I then tried another beach and decided last minute to clime a near by hill that had some old war time stairs up to an old lookout that was meant to spot ships during the war.I thought the higher I go the more wind, the better the view and maybe Id feel something.I have seen these stairs before and I know I am unfit and fat (those are truths). I see the stairs and think to myself well Ill either get to the top or Ill die (its the least worse way to hurt or try to kill oneself)I got half way and the tightened chest and heavy breathing/gasping for air that I am familiar with starts and my legs are shaky (there is a musical joke to be made there).I know how to control my breathing by being intentional, which you know you learn is also helpful when trying to escape bad thoughts ( that whole thing about opening the brain back up to deal with stuff instead of the closed brain fight or flight stuff).So I was very distracted, by my chest hurting and breathing being hard. I sat for two seconds looked at what I imagine was a good view, but I could not care and went back down to the car, being intentional about the steps down, knowing my legs are like jelly and brain no work good with less oxygen.By now I do not want to get hurt, I forgot about wanting to die. Once back at home I continued to cough and wheeze for some time. A different pain was refreshing. It was good to be able to have my mind on something else for a change.I am worried about the future, I always kind of am. Except when with friends but you cannot be with friends all the time, they have family and little ones to look after.Its hard to say I know how I am, what is me and what is the distractions I have to avoid being me or recognising myself and how broken I am.With all that what is the future for me, it is probably pain, hopefully wait loss and as long a life as I am allowed. Will I be happy I do not know, Ill have happy moments with friends.With this pain and my limitations what do I do. Is there no more purpose but to bring joy to my friends where I can and try to be a solid male/adult role model for my friends little ones.What do I accept? and what do I try to change?I usually keep these in my note pad and it goes no further but tonight I just feel like I want to be seen, even if its just one person.But this is the internet where jo one is owed anything. A Monday night",Suicidal +20738,"I thought I have kept my depression and anxiety at bay for a long time. However, reading about the signs of an emotionally abusive parent and checking all the boxes sent me into overdrive. it is hard to hold my tears back but I need to save face because I work in customer support. I am shaking and cannot stop thinking about how awful my mother has been to me my entire life. How do I calm myself down? How do I keep calm and not cry at work?",Depression +20739,"I am 28 making 40k a year in a dead end job. I cannot barely afford anything, work sucks everyday. My wife lost her job and is a stay home mom. Everyday I worry about rent and paying bill, afraid of my family going homeless. Sometimes I just want this to end because I work just to pay bills and the cycle just keep repeating.ALL my friends are doing better than me I am just a embarrassment.I do not hangout with my old friends anymore anything they do I cannot afford.I want to be gone, go somewhere I do not really need to think about money. If I make 100k a year I really think my depression would be gone. Rich people(100k+/year)how do you guys get depressed?",Depression +20740,"As a person with depression, did you have much awareness during an episode as to how badly you were treating your significant other? My partner has been slowly withdrawing for a few months now - we are at the point where the only words spoken to one another are good morning and good night. It is like living with a complete stranger. Prior to this, we had always been very close, affectionate and in sync. We were not only in love, but best friends. I hate using the word 'were' but I really do not know where we stand anymore.Should I be concerned that he seems to be acting relatively 'normal' around his family and friends but completely shuts down when we are alone? He has admitted he is depressed but the fact that I am the only one seeing it makes me think I am the because. He assured me that it was not, but I still have some doubt. Awareness while depressed?",Depression +20741,Does anyone else notice how bad a year Amy is having! Amy,Depression +20742,I walked out of my house. The pond was less than a minutes' walk from there. it is more than 10 feet deep. Nobody had seen me. A few steps and I turned back. I did not want to die. Now I feel like a coward on top of everything else and that I have been faking whatever I was feeling. I feel like a coward,Suicidal +20743,"But I live in the shitty UK so cannot get one, seriously can anyone help me get to America so I can get a gun? I wish I had a fucking gun",Suicidal +20744,"Depression and AnxietySo I was diagnosed with depression for a several months now, but my doctor thinks that it started way back 2020. I am so independent with my medicines.Every single time I get an attack, I would drink my med. Battling with depression is hard. A lot of people is praising me for being good in school, for being a ray of sunshine but little did they know I have tried to take away my life a few times. I am struggling so hard. Now, I am going to stop seeing my doctor since I am financially incapable now. Its pricey and I do not want to be a burden to my parents for this mental illness of mine because they have been paying a grand monthly for my health.Prayers will not do. Comments will do. Encouraging words. But hey, if you can donate some money I will gladly use it and will send you a receipt for legitimacy. :) Thank you for reading this this journey of mine has been so hard, and is still hard. But I am trying to fight Although I am not sure if I can do it anymore..#depression #anxiety #chronicfatiguesyndrome #mixedanxiety #socialanxiety Help.",Depression +20745,"I cannot stand suffering anymore. I hate living so much. I swear, I tried and tried after some failed attempts and some giving up. I am just tired of everything. I will get anything, something to poison myself, bleach, rat poison, you name it, and mix with juice (I wish I could swallow cyanide or shoot myself). I just suffer everyday and I cannot fake that I do not suffer anymore. Sorry for everyone who I ruined lives and that is it. But it is fine, I will not be a jester for you anymore and you will be free from the burden I am. Goodbye. I will kill myself soon",Suicidal +20746,"I will be an adult in a year and *still* nothing's going right. The pandemic sucks, but practically none of this has to do with the pandemic. All of these were issues long before covid happened. And then when I become an adult I will just feel like a burden to my family because I really cannot do anything right. I got diagnosed with high functioning autism and I am pretty sure a lot of my problems are related to that but honestly I just do not care. Whether I was neurotypical or autistic that does not change that my problems are here, and that I do not want to deal with them. I mean, I will deal with them alright but that solution frankly ends in a rope or a big bang from my side of things. I have been dealing with these issues for too long, majority of them since I was a kid... and then I become an adult? Where life is just supposed to get harder? If my childhood was shit and my teen years were (are) shit, what the hell am I supposed to do as an adult? that is just going to be shit too? And I mean, fuck, the crumbling economy and being a kid who is about to be an adult in the middle of a pandemic and with the world on fire sure as heck does not help. I wish suicide was deemed as an acceptable way out. It does not have to be *your* choice for how to deal with your problems but I definitely wish it could at the very least be a choice for me. I literally did not even ask to be born. do not see a point of living. Everything just seems more miserable from here on out.",Suicidal +20747,"I have been two months clean of cutting myself :) I still want to cut sometimes but I have found a way that has been helping me. I take a hardened paint brush (hard by either dry paint or glue) I put a little but of water or red paint on it then brush where I want to cut. It feels just like your cutting, but safer and does not leave marks. It may not work for everybody but you should try it :) it is been two months :)",Suicidal +20748,"Good days are few and far between I am exhausted and feel like garbageBack to sleep, hopefully forever. Its going to be one of those days",Depression +20749,"I am starting to get concerned for myself because I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Couple months and it keeps poking its little head out as a possibility. I have never taken it seriously but I am worried it is actually ""have not taken it seriously YET"" What are some red flags to look out for someone who may attempt to commit suicide? Or is heading toward that direction? I have got a pornogrpahy addiction that I hate and I missed all the red flags that led to that addiction. Trying to be more proactive about something potentially much more dire. Suicide Red Flags",Suicidal +20750,"I dealt with depressing now for 40 years. Only started seeking therapy since 2010. It took me a long time time to admit and accept that I had Clinny D. I always viewed it as a weakness, a flaw in my character. That is until one day I found myself in a locked, darkened room at work, curled up in the fetal position suffering from an anxiety attack. That cannot happen, not in my profession. that is what drove me to seek help. Two therapists and three different antidepressants later, I realized that I had the answer all along. You see, I am an introvert, an INFP to be exact. That means I spend a lot of time thinking, a *lot* of time, like every second of every day. it is like my brain is seeking information, to be challenged, and if it does not get it, it starts to think of other things. that is where my problems lie; I think *too* much. Let to its own devices, my mind starts thinking about the past, about the mistakes I made, the pain of being teased, taunted, and ostracized. I need to keep my mind occupied. that is when it struck me; I need to keep busy doing things that occupy my brain so that it cannot think of anything else but the task at hand. So now, in order to keep it distracted, I *do* things, like clean the house, mow the lawn, clear the yard, work on clearing it the garage so I can get my Camaro in, doing Sudoku. Anything that requires me to think, plan, improvise, solve. And guess what? It works. It really works. I hope some people here will find this piece of advice helpful. You do not need to be excellent at something, or even good. Just find something that will challenge and occupy your brain. Do a jigsaw puzzle, chop wood, calculate the air speed of an unladen swallow (big Asian and European). Any thing. Give it a try, a *real* try, and see what happens. Best of luck to everyone. We may be in separate paths, but we are all in this together. (Advice) How I deal with depression",Depression +20751,"Since I cannot find any painless ways / convenient ways to commit suicide, I can only do it via the hard way. I just want to make sure it will be fatal and I will not survive it. Otherwise I really cannot imagine the consequences of me surviving. This will be my backup plan. Right now I am still barely clinging on to my life.If anyone can answer me here, thank you. Will jumping down from the 5th floor kill me?",Suicidal +20752,"Have any of you experienced something like this?I have been feeling super numb emotionally. I am not me anymore. The world around me is not the same. No matter what I do - eat chocolate, meet friends, exercise, pet animals, go swimming, buy clothes - nothing makes me feel a tinsiest bit better. And I LOVED to do those before. Thing is, I cannot even feel sadness. My friend told me how she nearly drowned 2 times last week, and I did not feel anything. I cannot take it anymore. Its been more than 2 years. I was 19 when I first got it. Now I am 22. I had to drop out of med school (which was 95% of my life), wanted or not lost touch with most of people there, I loved taking photos, now its a chore. I have tried MANY antidepressants but from what I found out ssris/snris even make people without this issue numb. I have no desires, hopes, dreams, goals and man, did I have lots of them. I am going to therapy but I do not believe it will work. I have forgotten so much what is it like to feel good, I do not even miss it anymore. How can I miss something I do not even remember. I am also apathetic and do not feel like I want to get better. I take ads and do therapy just in case. On reddit there is so many stories with people being like this for 10 and more years, It robbed me off all hope. If that turns out to be my life as well then why was I even born. No emotions left?",Depression +20753,after having had a terrible break up my self worth hit an all time low. I stopped doing doing hobbies i enjoy because i could not find the motivation and i could not find love in anyone else. People tell me it gets better but i think about this person daily. I cannot sleep and my daily routine is sporadic. Its been 9 months since this has occured and the only feelings i get are random waves of not sure if its anxiety but its just a bad feeling randomly that makes me hurt like i cannot breathe even though i am breathing. i cannot sleep at night because i think about what our relationship could have possibly been/ playing scenarios in my head where we could possibly have run into each other some time in the future and things would be different. I tried dating others and i cannot develop feelings for anyone else. I cannot do anything i feel like living life without them is impossible. I will never feel the way i did back then I am sure of it by now i do not want to think about how boring my normal life has been before this idk if there is a solution to all of this I am so dead emotionally I think i may be depressed,Depression +20754,"Hi,I do not understand why people want you to ""live"" even though they do not really care about you! I hate them because they project their ideologies on us. ""it will be better"", ""do not be hasty"", etc... No it will not! We are not like you where we have stable connections, or a stable mind, most of us are suffering because we have been deprived of a normal life! Whether its because nobody in the society accepts us, or we have a problem with our brain that does not allow us to feel satisfaction! You just wants us to suffer more because ""maybe someday"" it will all be better :) You do not take into account that these problems affect us, not only mentally, but physically which let us literally preform worse! So, trying to convince oneself that ""it will be better one day"" is like a risky bit because we have to literally preform as good, or sometimes even better, than our peers when we have so much stress! Not everyone has this kind of strength you selfish whore!You do not want us to die in dignity because you feel bad, and what do you do? You just tell us ""Continue suffering"" without any safety nets! You are selfish bastards and I hope your life become more tragic than our-lives one day to feel what we feel! Fuck all of you who tries to act good when in reality you are just hypocrite assholes! Why people cannot accept that we die even though its literally the only solution we have?",Suicidal +20755,"Its currently 6:50am as I am writing this and I have gotten no sleep all night and the depression is really starting to get unbearable at nights, even though I know I got to make it through this point in my life its getting hard to see anything getting better even though I know once I can move out of my parents house it should be better mentally for me at least a little bit I hate these fucking sleepless nights",Depression +20756,"It seems like I have woken up today, knowing and thinking about myself in full clarity. I am sitting at my desk thinking about the mistakes I have made at just 25 and I feel calm and scared and lost. Everything that has lead me here has been my fault, I have been manipulative as a second language and hurt the people who meant everything to me. My marriage failed because I held on to tight to her when she needed me to let go and now there is no words to say to apologize or take back the pain I caused by suffocating her and then eventually cheating on her. But she still crosses my mind everyday. Even the relationship I tried to do everything right in failed because I am inherently bad as a person. I was gaslighting you without even knowing it and I made you miserable to the point you had to fight the air in your lungs to get away, and ill never know how to make that right by you. But I hope someday you will forgive me.Even when I joined the navy to have some sense of normalcy and life, I messed that up and left with a little more in pocket than I meant to. Now I stay awake at night suffocating from the memories of almost dying and hope for the morning light to bring me life, but every part of me knows that if I had not been in that situation I would not be here in pain now. I am a terrible person and I know I do not deserve happiness or life. But I am calm knowing that and I am calm knowing that everything has to end. Somehow in the lowest I have ever felt I am also the calmest I have ever felt. For anyone who takes the time to read this. Thank you. Everything has to end",Depression +20757,Man I am fucking tired of shit. I liked a girl now she is dating my best friend. I see that shit every fucking day and it makes me fucking demotivated to do shit anymore. And all i can do is be happy for him while drowning in my own misery. Fuck life,Depression +20758,Even the one thing that probably stops me from offing myself has become miserable sometimes. I just sit there and forgot i have Spotify on... I cannot really explain it. Music hardly brings me joy anymore,Suicidal +20759,my life has gone so down hill. i had a great 9th grade year with my friends and boyfriend. then i got depressed and wasted my whole 10th grade year being sad i isolated myself and stop taking care of myself and become moodier. I am now going into 11th grade and i feel sad cus i feel like I am too old and no longer a kid anymore i cannot have a fun highschool experience. apart of me feels like there is a part missing from me from not having a fun 10th grade experience now i feel like i have no chance. i feel like my friends stopped liking me everybody has. i changed so much I am so much quieter idk what to do anymore. i wasted my 10th high school year.,Depression +20760,"I am asian and I have been depressed for so long. At first It did not affect me. But, these past few months. I have been doing nothing but sleeping. I have been neglecting school and I am in engineering. I have tried everything to cope up with it, I do not know anymore. I have tried to kill myself, but failed. I do not want trouble family. Do you have any advice to lessen the emotional burden? I Feel Like I am slowly losing myself to Depression",Depression +20761,You know your life is going downhill when all you do at night is listen to music and drown yourself in bad thoughts like man Bruh,Depression +20762,How did the guys jump from a higher altitude...makes me disbelieve that I am in a real world How,Suicidal +20763,"Yet people will not stop telling me that I can be happy if I just try, acting like I have not been trying my whole fucking life. I am not a quitter for accepting reality. Its not my fault I cannot improve my life",Depression +20764,Everyone left me and I have no one. It just really sucks since it is all really my fault in the first place anyway. Please tell me if it is going to be okay How do you deal with the fact that your friends left you since you isolate yourself because of having depression?,Depression +20765,"I need help i have no idea what to do or who to ask. I am a 17 year old girl who lives with her single mom. Everything was fine about a year ago when my dad was here with us. We had a hotel a restaurant and also an outlet store, I would not necessarily say we were rich no not all actually, we were just fine we were happy. However, my dad passed away suddenly we have no idea what happened and how but one night my mom woke me up and we had to watch him choke and die in his bed. Ever since that day we had to sell our car out restaurant our shop etc. we were left with basically nothing but each other. Fast forward to today, every single day i have to watch my mom cry and pray for help, we have no money and her job is not stable nor does it pay well. I am so tired I do not know if i can keep doing this, I cannot go to college because we cannot afford it, i cannot find a job because I am either under qualified or underage. I am trying so hard to be strong and help my mom out i stopped going out to minimize spending money, i stopped buying things and all that just led to me stopping to even see my friends because they always spend money and i do not know how to tell them that i cannot do that. I feel so left out and alone, i have no one and i just have to do something i know but what? Please I am begging you someone give me advice, anything honestly I am ready to sell my body or become a stripper as long as i can make my mom happy and as long as i can buy her her dream little house with a small garden. I do not care what happens to me i just want her to be happy she is had enough and she is been through SO much. If all that was not bad enough her brother has no job and no money for food and she provides for him too. He took out a loan and spent all his money in a casino and my mom has to pay it now. I am hopeless. I cannot do this anymore as bad as this sounds i need moneyi do not know howLong until I decide cannot do this anymore and just give up. PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE",Depression +20766,"I want to start college this fall, I do not know if I will have the drive or focus to get through the days. What can I do? How do I find the strength to go to and stay in college?",Depression +20767,"Moreover, the point to live is to be ridiculed by every little thing that you do. If the point to live is to be known by every little thing you do then I do not want to live anymore",Suicidal +20768,Just wanted to share this there is no point in this life if you do not enjoy it.,Depression +20769,"i realised last night that I have been inherently and subconsciously faking being ""mentally ill"" for seven years now. I am 17, this started when i was 10. when i was 10 years old i began to completely romanticise depression and self harm thanks to the internet and emo music, i thought it was cool. i was really lonely because my friends were leaving me out, and i got sexually assaulted that same year (nothing bad, i was not hurt or raped but it has affected me a little bit i guess) so i guess i pretended to be depressed as a cry for help. then when i was 11 i was bullied for a year by those same friends, and it really hurt because i was so attached to one of them. during that year i self diagnosed myself with schizophrenia because i thought it was cool. i was experiencing genuine depression and suicidal thoughts but i was really.. public and attention seeking about it online, like i would post about being depressed on forums and stuff. then in 2016 i was still running with the depressed thing, and this time i thought i had bpd because i was obsessed with and stalking an online friend who groomed me (this obsession lasted two years). i was starting to get into my actual emo phase then, when i was 12, which I am still in today tbh lol.but 2017 was my worst year for being suicidal, like genuinely. i self harmed a lot and still romanticised my depression. all of my irl friends did it, too, it was a horrible group of glorifying self harm and being sad and stuff. i would cut myself and ""sneakily"" put my bloody arm up right in front of a friend so they would get concerned. it was stupid but admittedly a really painful year mentally, i totally hated myself because of what my friends who bullied me had said lol.2018 was my rebellious phase. i started getting into grunge music, idolising underweight men and becoming disordered with my eating habits, becoming obsessed with drugs and being cool and being impulsive, so i got a stick and poke tattoo and would sneak out regularly with friends and stuff. then in early 2019 we got caught drinking cough syrup lol, so i learnt my lesson and never again. 2019 was my first year of real isolation. i moved away to a different school and was on my own a lot, and when i was not i was smoking weed and cigarettes and partying with old irl friends. i really fucked up though, because the weed led me to dissociating extremely heavily for a long time, and i heavily believed in solipsism (which is the philosophical belief that you are the only being to exist). i also became obsessed with school shooters, specifically dylan klebold, and heavily idolised him up until this year tbh. i dealt with feelings of being nonhuman and not real but i also had really bad social anxiety so the dissociation was just to cope lol. went to therapy and got over the anxiety rather quickly.2020, it was still school shooters but then i fell in love with my best friend and became convinced i had bpd again. we actually dated on and off a few times that year but it was horrible, we were horrible for each other and i was genuinely abusive to a lot of people and i went through a lot of pain. in october she broke up with me and i full on developed anorexia, which I am still struggling with now but am in therapy for. 2021, now up until recently i believed i had adhd because I have shown a lot of symptoms since i was a child, and bipolar disorder, and npd (but i have genuinely shown narcissistic traits since i was 14). i also let myself get groomed again but I am out of the relationship now. I have gone to attempt suicide twice this year (except i pussy out and get help) and this has been the first time my parents have learnt about my struggles with ""mental illness"" (i do not mean to dismiss anyone's struggles, just my own haha). they are fine about it and supportive and getting me help but last night i realised none of it matters because I have been faking it the entire fucking time. there is never been anything wrong with me, I have just been very good at convincing myself. it all comes from a need for love and attention and approval I have had for as long as i remember, which is like, five. i pretended to be narcissistic and love myself because i have crippingly low self esteem and a need for control. but now i do not know what to do, i do not know how to unlearn these behaviours I have ingrained in my psyche. i feel really upset when i think about not being like this but i do not know what I am trying to achieve. my sense of self is literally completely gone now, it is so embarrassing.tl;dr i need help because i realised all of my ""mental illness"" is because i began romanticising depression when i was ten years old; I am 17 now. over the years I have developed a smorgasbord of ""symptoms"" from mental illnesses I have completely convinced myself that i have, but now i know none of it is real, i do not know how to unlearn them and quite frankly I am terrified to be truly myself and be happy. these symptoms have ingrained themselves into my being and without being ""mentally ill"" i literally do not know who i am. it is making me anxious and distressed and extremely suicidal. i do not know what to do from here or where to turn. realised I have been faking my whole life and I am terrified",Suicidal +20770,"How do I do it? I just learned that I could pierce my lung, and I do not want to die in such agonising pain. I am already going to do it so the least you can do to help me is to remove the painful part. Thank you and have a good day How do I stab myself in the heart",Suicidal +20771,"I have been diagnosed with both at one point or another in my life first chronic, then manic yes its disorder. Not mood. Yea I want to die. No I am not going to do kill myself. Might I accidentally have a mental breakdown once or twice a day and consider it? Yes. Has that stopped me from living through over 13 heart attacks/seizures from overdosing? Nah. Manic and chronic depression",Depression +20772,"So right now they are planning to meet at the end of the month, but I do not have that much time left and it is not like I do not want to see them. Do I even tell them and if I do I do not want to make them guilty or like turn the attention here and on something so miserable or even somehow manipulate their emotions. What do I do, how do I do it, I am trying to but I do not know, there are to many questions... I am sorry if this triggered anyone, love you all<3 How do I tell my friends that I am going to kill myself soon",Suicidal +20773,Lately I have been having concerns in regards to my current mental health. A good chunk of last week was spent in an emotional numb state. I was finally able to break from that after some intense intrusive thoughts. They should have terrified me but I found myself enjoying the experience. I was just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience or has any advice? Could use some help,Depression +20774,"Everything.Everything seems to be too much. Everything seems to be too late. Everything seems to be too evil. Everything seems to be too hopeless.I have an incredible boyfriend that I am planning on spending the rest of my life with. We just bought a house, plan on 3 kids, and I am soon getting on the long road for my dream job. I have a future, but I really wonder about a lot of things.Its painful to think about, but what is the point? The planet is dying. People are full of hate, and corruption and evil are business models. Its all so sick and depressing.I have been mentally ill my whole life. I have no business having children, especially as someone who is into environmentalism, even though its the one thing I have wanted to do since I was little. I want to be a mother and raise my children to be stronger than myself, to be the good in the world and live unapologetically and happily with all the love they could ever need or want. But it feels like the world is too far gone, physically and socially. I feel like bringing children into a world that is worse off than when I was born is horrible and selfish.My boyfriend has wanted to be a father his entire life, too. Were a perfect match and I was so blessed to find him. But if I ever decide that having children is not right after all, he would understandably leave (its a huge incompatibility in a relationship, so I would not blame him). But I cannot live without him. I would rather die than live without him.I have not been suicidal in almost a year. I do not even really know if I am right now. I just want to scream out into the world. I want things to change for the better. I want kindness to prevail and I want people to see the beauty of the world they live in. I want people to live happily and safely. Its all very much a pipedream, I know. I just do not know how much longer I can go on. I am too weak and pathetic and soft for this world, and I just do not know what to do.The stress I face right now (money, paying for college, my physical and mental health) wear so heavily on me. I am 5 days sober from alcohol and xanax, but damn, it really hurts. Maybe I am just exhausted and burning out. But everything is really just too much right now. I am scared and losing hope.",Suicidal +20775,My Mom is really fucking mad at me. I got a 87.5 for science and she is really about to kill me. My best friend's mom saved me with a phone call but she looks ready to kill me. help please Please Help,Depression +20776,"If it works the way its supposed to, ill be too sedated by the medication to tear the bag off my head, especially if i belt two around my neck when it starts to kick in. Ill put a blanket over my head too, in order to reduce the noise. I have tried so hard for so long but every single day feels so wrong. I have seen therapists. I have been to treatment facilities. I have been in the er countless times. I just do not understand why people try so hard for something so unforgiving. It is not worth pushing through constant pain and suffering. What pleasure is there to have? I have nothing. I have failed my entire life. I pushed away everyone. Dropped out, cannot even hold a job or get a license because of all these thoughts. I idolize people who succeeded at killing themselves. I envy them. Knowing that the next step is unknown but taking the leap of faith to escape this hell. I am scared of the unknown, but this pain is unbearable. I have heard it all and tried to believe it will hurt others for the rest of their lives live for them, they need you its selfish. I think I am finally going through an attempt.",Suicidal +20777,"I do not know if it is the right sub for this, because I am not properly diagnosed with depression, but I have been feeling numb for years.Everywhere I go I feel like I am too loud, or too needy, or too talkative and if I do not talk that much everyone is like ""why are not you saying anything"" and I feel too quiet. it is never right. So I basically cannot enjoy anything and I feel I have to be always extra careful, to think everything through and be a decent human being.It is so intense lately, I feel so ignored and so wrong all the time. I cannot even tell if that is really what people think of me and how to stay away from toxic people or it is just my fucked up mind that tries to isolate me from everyone else.I really want to think better of myself and have a healthy mindset but I do not know how. I feel like I bother people everytime I am sad or I ask for reassurance. I feel too much all the time",Depression +20778,"I have never even had a kiss, I would rather the kiss of death than a physical one. Life is overrated bullshit The only kiss i crave is the kiss of death",Depression +20779,"it is killing me. I am too tired in my free time to do much of anything, and it is fucking up my work performance.I am going to schedule another appointment with my doctor. Any recommendations for medication? It seems like if i could just get over the lack of energy that I would be able to do the stuff I need to feel good again. Has anyone had success with any medications for addressing the fatigue?",Depression +20780,"Hi, I know Reddit is not for this sort of thing. But someone told me that possibly on Reddit I could find someone to help me and I wanted to try to ask for help from someone here.I live in Venezuela, I am 27 years old and I would like to leave this country, many people die everyday and I would like to try to find a better future for my life. I am without money and I do not have any acquaintances in another country to help me, I would like to at least get to Boa Vista. Anyone who can help me, I would appreciate it. I am in despair, I cannot stand another day in this country. I have exhausted all my options to survive and it is impossible. Sorry for that. Thanks to all for reading",Depression +20781,"Yeah, me again. Suck it up. I recommend you read this, but its your choice.So.. You saying life is hard and you want to give up? Heh, me too. But read this, if you still started.So, imagine a forest. How you want it, but a forest. Many trees, bushes, animals, flowers, insects, mountains, if you want mountains, you get it.Now imagine you are a tree. What tree you want. What color you want, shape, I do not care. But a tree, of any kind.Now imagine your place. Anywhere in the forest.And, the last thing, imagine a wind. A very powerful wind, going through the whole forest. And, what do you do ? Do you fall because of the wind ? No, you do not. Whatever kind of tree, color, place or shape you have, you are not going to fall. Not a single tree falls from any forest when there is even a thunderstorm.So, why would you ? If life hits you, and keeps getting worse, maybe you are not strong. Maybe you are weak. Ugly. Fat. Weird and dumb. But you cannot fall. Only if you want to.Nothing can happen to anybody if they do not want to. Everyone can stop anything, even if everything has an end.So, if you want to die and fall for real, you are going to die and fall. But, if you do not want to.. Uhh... ....Yeah.. I mean..You cannot stop an assassin from shooting you so..Happy dying Hello.",Suicidal +20782,"So I had an okay day today. But of course that did not last when does it ever? I got in a fight with my mom as usual. Every time we fight I feel a little of myself die inside. Now there is basically nothing left of me. I noticed since I have become suicidal that I think about life a lot. Like not just what I want to do, and how I want to live (that is if I do not off myself first lol) but like in a bigger sense like why are we humans here? What is the point of us existing. Basically I have become very existential. So as I think of life as a whole everything really seems empty and pointless. Like even if I lived my idea of a perfect life I think Id still feel empty inside because what is the point of anything really?I feel like this is not something you can even tell someone in real life because they will think you are suicidal. Which I am I know but when I become existential and think of mankind as a whole and all that I am not suicidal. Like its a different feeling then when I want to die because my life sucks and when I am existential I just do not want to exist on this plane of existence because like what is the point. Do you get what I am saying!?Anyway I feel like this is not something humans are supposed to think about. Like if you say you do not want to exist because what is the point people will tell you your suicidal and that is wrong to want to die. But why should not I want to not kill myself? Why if I see how meaningless and small life is and do not want to be involved in it its wrong and I am supposed to seek help. Then after I get help and get fixed and do not want to not exist anymore I am back in the endless cycle of pointless life. Like what is so wrong if wanting to opt out of this world? Anyway I hope this makes sense I am tried its late my souls broken and battered. I just really needed to vent. Just a little rambling",Suicidal +20783,Am i the only one who feels like dying the more someone tells me everything will be alright because i have a beautiful heart. Urgh! Beautiful hearts,Depression +20784,I am too weak to work but also too weak to stab a knife. Too Weak To Live Too Weak To Die,Suicidal +20785,"This is not a joke. This is not a troll. I am in desperate need of help. I cannot find any reason to keep going on. I am very close to giving up, and this time I am sure of it. I even freaking went to the store and bough supplies. I cannot do this anymore. I do not want to go thru with this but i do not see another option. Please. Help. I need help.",Depression +20786,I am always mad all day everyday and still want to kill myself. I hate my family and I am starting to hate my friends. I hate myself because I am still alive when I should have died years ago. All my familys problems stem from me.My mom finally divorced my stupid ass dad but is still dealing with all the bullshit that comes with it. He would not have even left if I had not punched him. He treated me like a dog and never called me by my name but instead of punching him I should have just offed myself right then and there.Best case he would blame himself and come with me to hell where I can beat his ass forever. Worst case all the problems still happen but I do not have to hear about it.I do not know I guess I am just another teen with issues that stem from his father. How original... I am not even sad anymore,Suicidal +20787,I really need a friend. I feel really suicidal. I already self harmed tonight. I really need someone to talk to. Anyone willing to falk,Suicidal +20788,"As a brief background, I know I have had depression for many years (I am 21 now) but the last year or so has been constant. I also self h*rm quite regularly (not really badly tho). I know many people suffer worse than me but I feel like I have gotten to the point that I would consider doing something about it to stop it getting really bad. But that terrifies me.I have terrible social anxiety and cannot even tell my mum (she is involved in stuff so it would be hard to discuss things too). But I really want to tell my best friend I have had since primary school. We do not see much of each other anymore since she went to university but she is back home for the summer and I have invited her to a concert and to sleep over at my house after. I think it will be good for me to have some company for once. I trust her 100% and know she would be sympathetic (and maybe she is even had depression too). I just find it so hard to bring things up when I know it could make them feel awkward and I do not want to put a downer on the weekend. But I know if I do not say something now I will never tell anyone. I was thinking of telling her after the concert when we are chatting before going to sleep as you always do on a sleepover. I just do not know how to bring it up or what to say. I do not want it to sound attention seeking either. I am not expecting her to do anything, I just want someone to know. Advice needed about opening up",Depression +20789,I have thrown my life down the drain. I should have worked harder. I am scared. I am tired. I want another chance - just redo my life. But I cannot. I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +20790,Feeling super down can someone text or call me to help me thru that day 469 761 3017 my name is Cynthia. I would really appreciate it ! Need help:(,Suicidal +20791,"All I have been doing tonight is looking at my high school yearbook and wishing I could redo everything since then. All I have done is make mistake after mistake and now I am 27 with no friends, no career prospects, no experience with women. I look up the ppl in the yearbook and they are getting married, having a career, and enjoying life while I just feel stuck. I would do anything to wake up in 2009 again. Wish I could get a second chance",Depression +20792,Recently I have been having a really hard time going to work my depression cripples me I used to be in a very popular band but I quit so now I have time to make a living . But now my major depression has gotten really out of hand . All I can do is obsess over killing my self in any way possible . I used to abuse a lot of drugs and alcohol but I have been clean of that for over 8 months now (yay I guess) . I just feel empty sometimes but yet very overstimulated by the smallest things . I am just confused about pretty much everything . Going to the doctor today,Suicidal +20793,Why is it nearly always you.I hate not being good enough. I live day by day trying to find things to look forward too,Depression +20794,"When I look in the mirror I want to vomit, when I see my reflection I feel like a traitor in my own body. One moment I feel victorious, the next minute I wish I were cast from Mount Taygetus. The sexual tension between me and the shotguns on display at the department store is indescribable. My mind's a battlefield and I am the last soldier on the front line with no weapon against the incoming infantry.You hate me, likewise. I wish I could just hit an off switch. I do not have the courage to punch my own ticket not because I fear death; but because I do not want to be an embarrassment. I have the money to buy myself my own funeral but living is a luxury that was gifted to the wrong undeserving character. My exhibition of desperation is uncouth. I apologize for existing. I apologize for costing too much. I apologize for being the Quasimodo in a world full of Frollo's. I hope one day you can forgive my birth. Clearly, I was an error. Perhaps one day someone will delete that error. On that day I will have my arms open and embrace the cold void and simply say...thank you. My birth was an error",Depression +20795,"everyone is fakeeveryone acts like they care then BOOM they backstab you! what is the point of even being in this world if only fake people live in it? Being cheated on, being backstabbed by my best friends, having bad luck with dating and being alone for yearswhy have not I given up yet?Maybe this is a sign that I should just give upfuck it I guess I am killing myself this week! Guess this is it, Id appreciate not actually being born in the first place if I knew life was like this God I just hate my life",Depression +20796,"how is life worth living while there will be always miseries no matter who you are, and why people are so afraid of death while death is the end of miseries, when you day it is just so simple there is no More misery no more stress no more sadness, so what is negative in being a dead person, what is negative in commiting a suicide, people are so dumb nowadays all what we care about is money, looking good, being the most successful person on earth that is all what we care about, while in reality yes maybe if you were Rich and healthy then Maybe you are happier than other people, but that is does not mean that does not mean that this person is the happiest person on the planet, that does not mean there is no misery and no stress in this person's life, so like I said no matter who you are there is always miseries. choosing between life or death, does life really worth living",Depression +20797,I am out of work due to an injury. I cannot use my dominant hand at all. I am relying on my formerly abusive mother for money which is hard for me. I am so thankful but I am so scared that there will be some catch. My partner is also helping take care of me. He let us me know how much of a burden I am. Then he says it is fine then he turns around and uses it against me. He has severe anger problems and yells and swears all the time but if I break my Stocism at all he says I am being too emotional. So I just bottle it all up.I am so sick of being reliant on people. All I can do is go along with things. I wish I could leave this life.I will not be able to use my dominant hand at all for at least 6 more weeks. Injured and feeling trapped.,Suicidal +20798,"Just the thought of having a child and knowing that they will go through the same shit,bringing an innocent kid in this world,not knowing how he/she is feeling,suffering in silence.That would fuckin kill me.The world is a disgusting place and i would never want my child to suffer both mentally and physically.If i even hear that my child has suicidal thoughts it would crush me. I am scared to have children",Suicidal +20799,"I decided to make a journal in case I ever go to therapy :)\#00110/7/2021 was a special day. My sister's bridal shower, a day where the bride and groom exchange gifts for each other to gain approval for their marriage. I tried to stay in my lane, ya know? Mostly keeping quiet. So, I do not irritate her much on her special day. Everything was going well, up until my auntie started questioning me: **""Why do you look so tired, did not you sleep?""** n*o I do not want to be here* **""you are so quiet, do you even have any friends?""** *mhmm I have a lot of close friends* **""Are you being bullied?""** *no, why would they?* **""My mom's name, is she always like that? Mom: yup she never talks, Sister: she is always alone""** *M: I always talk to you what do you fucking mean? S: you always sneer at me or stop talking when I enter the room.* **""you are never going to get a lover with that sour face""** *that is my resting face and I did not want a lover anyways* **""Did you just sneer at me? Jeez, chill""** *bruh. I was just looking weirdly at my mom because she looked like she was taking photos*Anyways, I am proud to say that I managed not to curse or talk back rudely, but suffer in silence while I was close to having a full-on mental breakdown. Then, today feelings started to catch up and I had a breakdown while listening to Your City Gives Me Asthma. Fun times, fun times :) Entry #1",Depression +20800,will anyone care if I am dead I just want to be happy and not a fucking depressed wreck considering suicide,Suicidal +20801,Okay so right I am up as my new work schedule I hate this job some day not enough are fine but I take adderall and I am stigmatized; but yes I might make a mistake or get lost in my thought and pass up the aisle; I am trying to just do my best like everyone; I am finding that my health has declined because of this I for the first time in awhile clean but my parents are a sleep then I am asleep when I could; my 70year old father has to mow the yard now due to this also which I use to take care of all I do is give them money but that not how it should be Vent,Depression +20802,"Hey there. My best friend of several years just left me. She said that there was a multitude of reasons she did not like me anymore. It ranged from me being vegan to saying I hurt her with words. She also said that she just ""does not want to do this anymore"". I do not understand what I did. I do not understand how i hurt her. What do I do? She was one of the only people I had left. She says she never wants to talk to me again. A part of me is considering doing something I cannot come back from. Why does everyone always leave me? My best friend just left me.",Suicidal +20803,"I have many friends but I feel like I am not enough for them. I love them alot but I just feel like they all hate me and I want the best for them. I just do not feel like I am enough for this world, I do not really want to be in it anymore. I do not want to talk to my friends about it because I feel like they would just not listen or I feel like they would contact family/school and I would be sent to a hospital. I am thinking that I might have depression and/or anxiety and/or ADD which if I really do have those I do not feel like anybody would want to deal with me. I am about two months clean from cutting myself, which I know that is not really important to anyone. I am afraid nobody will listen to me because I am only 13. I cannot deal with hate and homopobia much longer. I do not know how to deal with this and I do not want my parents to find out. I just need someone to tell me how to get through these things. I want to die, I feel like alot of people would be happy if I was out of this horrible corrupted world, but I am worried for my friends that actually do care about me. I just hate myself and want to be gone. I need help, please somebody tell me how I can get through this, or at least be a little bit happier because I cannot take things much longer. Please do not read this if you do not have the time or do not want to, I do not want to take time out of you day",Suicidal +20804,I cannot do this living thing anymore my mind is too messed up I hate feeling the way I do its making want to just give in to it all I have had enough. Living on borrowed time I reckon should have just done it properly when I had the chance. Should have down it properly when I had chance or run away,Suicidal +20805,I have to go to my local gp and I am worried about the questions they are going to ask Can someone give me an example or something Uk: depressed and going to the GP for the first time,Depression +20806,"I have wanted to disappear for most of my existence. I craved a time when I did not feel that way for so long that I do not remember most of what happened in the meantime. Every year the trauma of my existence is compounded and more cemented and the good times become a distant forced recollection. I do not want to die, I just do not want to live with mental illness and I do not get a choice in the matter. I am just supposed to accept and make the best of it because life is a gift. I wish I could give this shit away. Trade my 90+ years of shit for someone is 20 years of bliss. I would rather beg for life than for death. The worst part about it is the forced existence at the hands of those who mean well but will never understand. I am so tired of climbing out of a fucking hole that gets deeper and darker every time I am there. I am so tired of people comparing my value to my accolades like that changes how fucking hard it is to exists. I used to feel all alone, it was easier then. Now it is my value to others that is suppose to make my suffering worthwhile. I hate having people to care about and all the social hoops I have to jump through to maintain my needs. I do not think people get it at all. When you are so removed from the constant barrage of suicidal ideation how can you. I do not WANT TO FUCKING DIE. that is not the problem. I just do not want to suffer. If my therapist points that out to me one more time as if that makes it somehow better I am going to lose my shit. What is the difference between wanting to be pain-free without a cure for your pain and wanting to die? Sure, they are not the same but they are eerily similar. it is just fucking semantics. I would really like to see where this shit goes in 30 years. I would like to be a centenarian and make it to 2100. I would like to be sane when I get there. it is just so fucking hard to imagine that there will ever be a good chunk of time where I would actually like to be present in the meantime. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Please do not give me a pep talk. I just wanted a safe place to put this. The worst part about being suicidal",Suicidal +20807,I am just done with life honestly. no I am not killing myself but i just have given up on trying to find happiness. Its never going to happen to me done,Depression +20808,"Hello, 23 year old male here. My parents had divorced I was about 10, dad had moved back to USA. My older brother, sister, and I stayed with our mother in Italy. We had a basically functional family. I guess my problems started about age 12. As it turned out both my brother and I were sort of ""gay adjacent"". Brother was 15 at the time. I guess we were watching porn at the time and we became physical. It kept going on for several months. I was more than okay with what was happening. Was it just fun, a crush, was I in love with him, or did I just worship my older brother? I am not sure but I never thought of it as wrong or rapey or anything. So one night I am blowing him and our sister catches us and immediately tells our mother and the next day my brother is on a flight to live with our dad in another country.I told my parents that he did not force me etc etc etc but they did not care. Molestation they said. Rape they said. Trying to gaslight us. After that and to this day I have not said a single word to either of my parents or my sister. Complete silence. I would talk to my best friend and my brother on the internet when we could. When we would switch parents my brother would already be gone on a flight to the other one, I never got to see him in person again. His car was hit by another car and he died when he was 19.I feel trapped, unable to move on from the night we got caught and what happened after. I have never felt guilty about what we did even though all this happened. I do absolutely blame the rest of the family for what happened, for taking my brother from me and trying to make him feel like he hurt me.So here I am now, living in the US, have a job, I have dated some but never got attached. It just feels like so long since I have had a connection with anyone, so long since I have felt anything. Is there even a point in moving forward? suicidal or crippling emptiness?",Suicidal +20809,"I guess some context is in order, I just really feel the need to talk to someone that I do not know. I am a 17yr old male and I have felt this way since I was 8 years old. I remember thinking mid Pokmon battle how much better it would be if I was not alive. 2 almost 3 years ago I was diagnosed with, surprise, major depressive disorder. I tried, I really did, I went to the therapist I took my meds I tried different therapists and even was committed half a year ago for a few days. One of my therapists beloved I also had an anxiety disorder and PTSD, my family never bothered to attempt to have it diagnosed or medicated. I missed one pill and I feel like shit. I count them out and I believe I lost several. Months later my dad tells me he saved some for when I get nervous. All that pain and inadequacy the feelings of worthlessness and me giving up on treatment, all because they took them and hid them for later. Here I am having fucked up once again. I did not mean to hurt anyone I really did not. I did not touch anyone but I know what I did was fucked up and a violation of privacy. It feels like its not me like I am not here. All day every day unless I am playing some stupid fucking game I hate I just feel like someone else. I overdosed on sleeping pills a few months back. I felt scared and confused like my body was not mine, my vision going dark. But now? I want that again, to feel like I am someone else like my issues are fading to black just as my consciousness was. I do not we any to kill myself, not without letting the people I hurt know I did not mean to. I just felt like not myself as though I was someone else just watching. Like my body was on autopilot. I am a fucking liar though. They all think I am a good person and that I graduated this year when I showed up for a month then just stopped and wallowed all day. I am sorry I just do not think I have it in me to be a person. I do not know why I wrote this I just guess I needed someone to talk/vent to. Everythings going to come crashing down and I do not know how what I am doing.",Depression +20810,"I am 15 and i was diagnosed with depression last 2018 but till now i cannot get a proper treatment because my family cannot afford a psychiatrist. I know that its getting worse every single day,I just want to live a happy and normal life.But everyday that i wake up I feel miserable like why cannot I just die. Its really tiring and I just do not know what to feel. I do not have a will to live anymore but I cannot get to kill myself which makes me more miserable because if i do not want to live,why am I still here then? Feeling hopeless",Depression +20811,"i do not know how much more i can deal with, how much longer i can suffer through everything I am feeling and i just do not want to be here anymore. i thought i found someone who could understand me but they have been ignoring me for days now and I am just so tired of being alone. everything sucks. i wish it would just stop. i do not care if anyone ""can understand how i feel"", its not going to fix it. nothing can fix it anymore. i do not know what to do anymore. i just wish i was dead. let me die.",Suicidal +20812,"I do not know how much longer I can go on tbh, I do not like talking about things like this but recently I have found a sort of comfort in the anonymity of reddit. This sickness is taking over me, I feel empty, I feel gross, I just feel so mad all the time. I wake up and I am mad that I did, life is just a long waiting game, but I have nothing to wait for. I stopped taking my meds and stopped going to therapy cold turkey because it was not helping. But now I have just spiraled out of control, every moment is spent thinking of my emptiness. I really just want it to end. Staying up until 6 am crying and then sleeping till the afternoon sometimes I feel like I do not exist, I graduated high school and felt like I got robbed of what I thought it would be, I never attended a party, had a group of friends longer than 6 months at a time(had a couple dudes who would hang around me and use me for drugs but I was naive so I thought it was different and they wanted to be friends) and I have never kissed a girl, let alone had sex. I remember my therapist asking every time if I had suicidal thoughts, I always replied no but I felt so alienated by that, I already had plans for it and thought that everyone was suicidal, everyone said there for a while ah I am going to kms at the slightest inconvenience, I would always say it in that notion but I would always feel that thought build up into a real action. Idk what life has in store or even how much I have left, sometimes I really wish my life could have been different, with some sort of meaning. Oh well, you got to play your cards This is getting to be too much",Depression +20813,"I often daydream about a meteor just crashing into and destroying the Earth. I could die and nobody would be hurt. But that is really selfish, other people have dreams and ambitions and its selfish to take that away from them. Third Impact from Neon Genesis Evangelion do be sounding good right now. If the world was to explode it would be nice, sure I would not be able to do things like go to University or get married one day, but if I died I would not know either happiness or sadness, it would just be nothing, just a void, which is true peace. do not you just wish the park world would just explode already?",Depression +20814,to those with physical or emotionally abusive parents how did you hold up..? i just wish sometimes that i did not have to deal with the struggles of knowing a loved one wants me gone. did any of you all find ways to block them out of maybe just make the words stop stinging? its like being trapped in a confusing block from questioning yourself to thinking if you made up or not some days i feel better but something has to ruin it. I am sorry. question,Suicidal +20815,"i refuse to acknowledge when i need help and when i do need help the idea of asking for it is mortifying. case in point, I am currently at my dads for a month and i just started my period but instead of asking my dad to get pads I am just sucking it up and using toilet paper ... tmi i know but all the same its annoying. I am not embarrassed per se that i need pads i just hate relying on people for things I am too damn independent",Depression +20816,"A few months ago I overdosed on some sleeping pills and they actually stopped me from blowing my brains out by rendering me unable to move. For a while now I shake randomly and it remind me of the day I took the pills. I do not know if its just me making it up or if its like from the day I overdosed and its residual. What I do know is that sometimes I want to feel the way I felt when I ODd again. At the time I was absolutely terrified, the world went black and I could not think, I could not feel and my body was not my own. Now though, I have been craving that feeling, the euphoria of not having to deal with anything. Feeling as though my problems are not mine, like I am fading out never to suffer again. I do not know why I made this post, maybe its just sheer curiosity to see if anyone else has felt the same. I do not know where else to put this.",Suicidal +20817,"There is no point being alive, when you got no one to live for, and you hate yourself. I have been mentally abused most of my life, and no one seemed to care, not even my ""best friend"". My parents do not love me. They pretend like they do, but every single day i get assured that I am an unloved failure. I do not want to physically hurt myself anymore, i want to finally end my miserable life. No one would mourn me anyway. No one would even notice. One person that actually tried to help me said that ""if i have not killed myself yet, even though i wanted to do it for a long time, that means I am strong"". Now i know, it does not means I am strong. It means I am a fucking coward. I just want to do it",Depression +20818,"So, basic information, I have tried to suicide 3 times, 4 years ago, since then i worked on a plan to do it right, and everything is done, even the exact date.Now, you see, nobody knows about this, because i am very good at not showing emotions, and i try to look and be as strong as there can one be, phisically and mentally, and unstopable force and an immovable object, and this works, as I have no regard for my safety, and so i make my family proud, my friends have fun, and I am a very loving and protective boyfriend (single at the moment), aside from this, i study to become a neurosurgeon.I know very well this is not even close to what others are going through, but in around half a year, my suicide should take place, as I am no longer able to keep up, maybe i can last a couple of weeks more.I have to ask if there is any way to keep going, aside form alcoohol, because i already drink daily, and aside from love and care, because that is impossible, any suggestion is good, i am open minded. Long story short",Suicidal +20819,"that is just how I feel. I just feel like giving up, not even trying to get better anymore, just killing and burying all of my dreams and give up on life and let anything that must happen just happen.I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never get far, I will always be short of everything I ever longed for, and I do not know why I should try if I am sure I am going to fail. Even if I do not fail, even if I do manage to make it, I feel like nothing's going to be fixed anyway, there are things that just will not go away no matter what I achieve.So I just feel like giving up at times, feel like not studying or working anymore, or trying to keep friendships going or any of my hobbies going, just lay in bed all day long and do absolutely nothing, after all, no matter what I do nothing makes me feel better for any decent amount of time.I am sorry for feeling this way, because I know many would not want me to, surely those reading as well, but I cannot help it, and those people who once cared are not around anymore, they have abandoned me. Giving up is tempting",Depression +20820,"hiii. I have been going to therapy for like 2-3 years now and its been great and all but I am starting to realize that I have been going in circles. everytime we meet i just talk about how shitty life is, i get recommended a way to fix life, i try it a little, then i quit when it gets hard. i have even started noticing my therapist getting impatient with me even though she is normally the sweetest and most understanding person I have met.I have always struggled with motivation and opted for the easiest/most comfortable route. and I have tried changing that in the past but its really really hard. but I am not trying to give up.it feels like I am waiting for some eye-opening life changing experience to motivate me to change but i know that is bad. i want change NOW but i just cannot get myself to do iti just feel utterly lost in life but i want to stop feeling so shitty any advice? I am clueless and depression is beating my ass help what to do next",Depression +20821,"I feel like a sack of shit and better off dead. I was doing good for so long and it came tumbling down. I do not know what I am living for anymore. Happiness seems so far even though I expirence it not too long ago. I hate being bipolar, I hate my medication, I hate therapy. Why do I have to jump through hoops just to be happy? Unmedicated and sad",Depression +20822,"So I was feeling insanely suicidal, more so than ever in my life. I am 20, no job, very few friends. I texted my friends online that I was taking a mental health break and Id be gone. So that night I got very drunk for the first time, and I was a wreck all over Twitter. Just voice audios of drunk me talking about being sad. And then, I was finally ready to go. I went and found my dads gun, which he kept in the bottom of a filing cabinet in his spare closet. I took a picture of it and posted it basically saying goodbye. The problem was that the gun was brand new and barely touched. It had some sort of safety feature on it (I think?) , something coming from the barrel. I do not know anything about guns, so drunk me was pissed as hell that I could not figure it out, to the point I start sobbing. Anyways. I fall asleep in the spare closet. Dad comes home and finds me fiddling with his gun. Anyways. I am recovering now. After all this, I worked up the courage to go back to my Twitter and see all my pitiful tweets. What really hurts me is that nobody reached out. I have about 10 friends on there that I interact with. Not a message. Some friends were even tweeting like normal a few hours after I posted the picture of the gun and goodbye. Am I being too dramatic? People did not even notice or care enough to reach out. That hurt me a lot to see. I expected to be profusely apologizing and feeling guilty for all of these friends, but it was practically nobody. Feeling very unloved",Suicidal +20823,I find it kind of funny I literally self harm but I can barely swallow pills. Like what Bruh,Depression +20824,"for a while, i was able to ignore everything. i was able to be careless and shrug things off. think about nothing. watch tv. go to bed. repeat. but its finally back to swallow me whole. i never had a chance. life is finally catching up to me",Suicidal +20825,"my chest hurts and my heart hurts, why is this so fucking hard i cannot even sleep either i think I am having an anxiety attack",Suicidal +20826,My mind goes back and forth without really landing on one. When I feel down I think I did not choose to be here and nothing really matters. When I feel good I say to myself I am choosing to be here and these things matter.,Depression +20827,"Everytime I think ill be okay it feels like I am sucked into this black hole over and over again. And I sit there feeling nothing, but crying and existing. I am tired. I do not want to be here anymore",Depression +20828,Everything that had ever brought me any good feelings just makes me feel bad now. there is just nothing. I am so empty. I want everyone to forget me so I can feel like I never existed. There is nothing.,Suicidal +20829,Always had an agreement with myself that I would not make it past 15. Here I am at 25 with a useless degree working at a grocery store. My biggest hope is that the world ends soon. How do people live past mile stones that they did not think they would be here for?I think this follows the set rules? Delete if not allowed. I am turning 25?,Depression +20830,"Interesting. I thought knowing there is the end coming I would do something crazy or idk.. Something I am scared to try. But no, there is nothing like this. I am just waiting. 61 days left",Suicidal +20831,"I am disabled. Too severe to work for two years now. Still have not gotten approved for disability. The system (social security) is designed to deny you until you give up or die. I have ran myself into a wall1) if I do eventually get approved, Ill be way below the poverty line barely scraping by. If I get to that point, and any sort of emergency happens, I will not have a safety net. So the best option is to die2) it feels like I am never going to get approved. I might as well kill myself to avoid going through more pain3) the government does not care if I die. Its just more money they do not have to give out. If they do not care whether I live or die, why should I?there is a lot more too it that I do not have the energy to say. I needed to post this because I really feel like its the only option I have, and I am scared of going through with it when I am next feeling physically capable. I am sorry if this does not make a lot of sense, my brain does not work super well It feels like, no matter which way you think of it, this is what I am being pushed to do",Suicidal +20832,"I know no one is going to read this so fuck it. In my life no one cares for me my mom died almost a year ago and I did not even get to say goodbye. My dad basically killed my mom. He would beat her every night, most the time because he was bored. I could not help my mom I was too young to understand. Then he would beat my brother he is only three years older than me and he now has ptsd from it he is scared to talk to people and sometimes gets to nervous to even talk to me. And now my dad threatens to kidnap me when he gets out of prison. I have to live in fear that my dad is going to break in my house kill my family and take me. But no one cares. I stay up late at night out of fear of dying. And suicide is what I think about all night. Who cares if I die. No one wants me no one loves me anymore what do have to live for. I do not know there is my story I guess if anybody wants to even read it I wish someone would care",Suicidal +20833,"I was in a good place before dating them. No lies, no child loss, no pain, etc. Today for the first time in years, I just could feel death. I wonder what it would be like for the tears to stop, for the sadness to stop, the anxiety, people telling me that, I am a mean brick wall, wonder what it would be like for it to all stop. My head hurts everyday day. I want to cry everyday and my family just expects me to brush over all of the fucked up stuff that happened growing up. My ex put me past the edge and I have not woken up the same since the end of 2020. My ex fucked up my life. I was doing well and now I just want to die. For the 2nd time in years I am having suicidal thoughts.",Depression +20834,"My gf and I broke up, my family how my dad just had fucked me up for so long, I have one bestfriend but truthfully I feel like when I am down nobody wants to deal with it. I just feel alone man. For once ya know. I may sound pessimistic but I am stressed. I am 24, in debt, moving out because I cannot be in this house with an abusive dad anymore, no college degree, only one friend who does not feel like he cares as much as he should or feels awkward when I am down so its just me. I have no one to talk to.I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a loser. I just feel like total shit. People usually have family or at least a family member to be there for them. People usually have lots of friends to care for them when they are down. Me no. I feel like I am socially inept. Like I am too fucked up to be around anyone. Like I am just nothing. I totally feel like I cannot do shit. People act like they care ya know and tell me the most obvious things. Like it will be okay or everything is fine but for me it does not feel like that. For them being okay is just breathing. I just feel empty. I wish I had friends who cared for me who had love. No matter how stupid that sounds because that is all I need. A family that has love. But all around me is just negativity and all these heavy labels and expectations. It destroys me how people think so shitty of me. When everyday I feel like I go out of my way to try. When I believe in my heart that no matter what Ill be there for my friends family and my girlfriend with all my heart forever. And its just not like that. Nobody feels that way for me. No matter how embarassing or sad this sounds its the truth of how I feel. And I feel like total shit. And all I need is love for once. I never got it as a kid. People say at least you have a dad and family. But a dad who abused me my whole life. Who still just talks shit about me. A sister who treats me like total shit. A mom who is so destroyed by an abusive husband who has the best heart but is so hurt she drinks all night every night and cries. A girlfriend who says she cares and loves me but always has to put me down and say she is going to end it. All the friends I had that just ditched me, who was just a friend to be around me or make plans. Where for once is the love. Honestly. When can I finally have somebody there for me through hard times? Even if I am a dick sometimes I am human. I am always there when people treat me like shit. But once I do something wrong its the end of the world. Everyone expects me to be perfect. To have everything done perfectly. Like I am some fucking robot man. No free time just all my time spent to please everyone and work hours on hours to bring money in to give to everyone else too. To just say I have money. To just say I did this and that and I do not give a fuck about money. I do not care to have money to flaunt and just act successful. But that is what everyone expects of me. To be perfect. While I have been just trashed on my whole life. Elementary school being made fun of for being overly energetic and wanting attention because at home I just got the shit beat out of me. Made fun of because I am Japanese. Middle school just made fun of because I am the weird shitty kid who acts stupid because I just want people to like me because nobody fucking does. because I get trashed on by my dad and family and whole school. Being a fucking outcast. Idk man. I feel like total shit. Girlfriend knows how hard my life is now. she is went through it with me but she cares about herself so much. does not see how much pain I feel because I do not show it. because I do not want to cry everyday and whine because everybody has told me to man up and grow up anytime I feel like this. I feel broken man. Feel totally alone, lost, and destroyed",Depression +20835,"I love my little sister to death. She means the world to me and all I want is for her to be happy. She does not know how much she means to me. she is 15 and I refuse to ever burden her with such problems. I would have been long gone if I did not love and care about her so much. I do not want her to live with the pain of losing me. Though, I still cannot stop the thoughts or hurting myself. I am teetering on the verge of relapsing on self harming. Things are going to shit and all my brain knows is how to hurt myself. But when I spend time with my little sister, things feel so much better. I hope and pray she never has to deal with such thoughts I do. She deserves a happy life and to get away from all the negative things our family puts us through. I want to off myself but my little sister is the only thing that keeps me going",Suicidal +20836,"I do not want to be on this earth to have a ""normal life"". I do not want to get a job I hate, get married, have children and eventually die of old age. I do not care about all of that. I want to enjoy my time here and have fun my way! I want to travel the world, see different cultures and eat food I never heard of. I want to do this with my family and friends, the people I love, and let them share in the enjoyment with me!This is unrealistic because I have no money, and I do not have the motivation to work a job that makes me unhappy for 20 years to eventually achieve it.I gave up on my dream. I just live my life loaning small amounts of money I do not intent to repay, drinking and playing videogames to pass the time and waiting for the money to just fall out of the sky. I have been doing this for 5 years and I will be out of money in a month.Life without money is no life at all in this society. I am giving up. I am stuck in my own unrealistic view of life.",Depression +20837,Hi my names jay I am feeling depressed I have been feeling like this for quite a while I am feeling down,Depression +20838,So I created a Tinder account. I am super shy so I put an anime girl and in the description I explained in great detail my personality and my physical appearance.This girl matched me like 1 week ago. 2 days ago I changed my description to only explain my personality. Today I decided to say hi. We chatted for some minutes. We had things in common like our introversion. I assumed she matched me in first place because she had read my original description.I gave her my Instagram and she stopped chatting.that is the kind of shit that gets you fucked up. Tinder,Depression +20839,"To put some context I have been though some things in my life that I will probably explain in another post, just a little summary, when I was kid I was nearly raped by my cousin, I never told to my family, I grew up with some anxiety, my parents were a bit strict with me like physically harm me and saying things like I am stupid and that kind of things when I was a child, (I now understand why and that is because my mother also had some mental issues that now she cured and we have a good relationship), I think when I was like 10 I started thinking on suicide when I was sad, and at some time when I was 13 to 15 yo I started self harming me to mitigate those thoughts, I left it when I was 16 but sometimes the suicide thought came to my mind. I studied college and I still had that thoughts, I started dating a girl when I was 20 and everything okay but when whenever we got a fight the same thoughts just appeared. Now I am 25, I will be moving to another country because I will start my graduate studies, I still have my girlfriend but I still have suicide thoughts. My family and I are in good terms and we are close but I still think about suicide when I am sad. it is like my mind just imagines a place where I am happy, where I do not feel like these like another live and my mind it is like oh yeah If we suicide we can probably get there!. Despite of the fact that I am actually happy with whatever I am doing, I feel a lot of pressure but I think I am happy but I still get these times that I think on suicide. Once I tried to get some help with a psychiatrist and on the first session he wanted me to take lithium and I was like no wtf, lithium causes so much harm and that is something that psychiatrist used to give a lot to patients. I just wanted to vent my situation, any good advice or just a comment is well recieved, I hope you all good. Whenever I am sad I think of suicide",Suicidal +20840,"Hey, I am 15m and have a ptsd diagnosis along with some other stuff. I have noticed even trying to think about the years between 8-13 causes me much anxiety because of my inability to recall and memories at all. please help explain this to me. i think i was not fully aware during my childhood",Depression +20841,"I live out in the country, there is a forest fire really close to my place. About an hour ago I called 911 to tell them about it. They said that they were aware of the situation, told me what to do if I needed to evacuate, and then told me to listen to the news for updates.Next thing I did is I called the suicide hotline because I have already been seriously thinking I need to kill myself over the last few days because of a million shitty things in my life that are all catching up right now, and if I have to evacuate my home and let it burn to the ground then I am probably going to kill myself tonight or tomorrow.I started to talk to the operator on the line and tell her this. She interrupts me and tells me that this line is being recorded, and that if its a prank call she will report me to the police and that its a felony. I tell her its not and try to keep taking to her. She says that I should call 911, that I should listen to the news for updates, and then says that she has a record that I have called there before (once before this year, four times in the last year), and then she hung up.This is the last time I am ever going to call a hotline. I have already felt bad every time I have called because I know there are other people who need it more then me, but this is proof to me that my problems are not worth there time and I have been wasting their resources, which makes me feel like killing myself worse. I am really fucking hurt that she thought I was prank calling. I have just started therapy a week ago but it has not helped me yet and I am still ready to kill myself, because its not like one session can magically make someone not suicidal, especially when the therapist I saw spent our whole first session making me fill out paperwork instead of helping me right away. These guys say that they will be there for you when you cannot reach or do not have access to therapy and counseling, which I have not every time I have called. Lies through teeth.I am sorry that I am angry. I know that these lines have helped a lot of people, and that these are volunteers trying to help, and that this is a good service and because. I guess I am just hurt and bitter that I do not count to it anymore as stupid as that sounds. I am sorry.I know that most of the shit they say is fake empathy but the last times I called I let myself pretend that they actually could care and help because it kept me from shooting myself. The illusion is broken now, I know its fucking stupid and petty to be so angry and hurt about something I deep down knew was fake but here I am. Finishing typing this post and I am seriously wondering how the fuck I am going to make it through the week or maybe even the night without finally doing it, or if I should even try to. Idk. Sorry for the pity party as people have called it when I try to talk about or ask for help with this shit. Happy Monday, I might make it my last. The suicide hotline thought I was a prank caller",Suicidal +20842,"I know I need to clean my room/house, but I have zero motivation to do so. Since I do not have any motivation, I do not clean, and that stresses me out even more. Its a vicious cycle. Lately, I have not been able to sleep at night. The only time I sleep is when I pass out from exhaustion because of being awake all night. Plus, I do not get enjoyment from some of my old hobbies. I have read online that these are symptoms of depression, but I am unsure if I am depressed. I have nothing to be depressed about. I have a great family, amazing friends and a relatively easy life. Plus, I shower and brush my teeth everyday and I have heard that people with depression do not do that. Could I have depression? I do not mean to self diagnose, but I do not really feel comfortable opening up emotionally about this to people I know, so I came here. I am unsure",Depression +20843,"I am 20 years old and i think i had depression for 6-7years.I never had fun in life, people only made fun of me, and after my dad died, i closed my feelings deeply inside.For 4 years I have been trying to get closer to the girl i love, but she only thought of me as a friend, even if she knew i liked her. Every day i was suffering as i watched her going out with other guys, as she talked about them. Others thought we looked like a couple, but she always said that could never happen.. it broke me completely each time.I know I am ugly and only have a good heart, but nobody cares.I had a few friends, but each of them betrayed me, left me alone. Now i cannot trust people at all.I always feel like i cannot do a single thing right and everyone around me agrees...Every single day i keep thinking about death, i even dream about it, and the only thing that keeps me in this hell is the thought of the people i care crying over my death.Now I started working at my job seven days per week, 12hours per day every single day, far away from everyone and my dark thoughts just got worse and worse...I am afraid because if it keeps going i might kill myself...I do not know what to do... please help...Sorry if i make mistakes, I am not good at english... Wishing i was dead",Depression +20844,"Firstly, apologies if this is really incoherent. I have never talked about this stuff so I am not quite sure how to. I am 20 years old and I got laid off from work about a month ago. At first I thought it would be a positive thing. I figured I would have time to pursue hobbies, be with friends and family, and enjoy some time off until I found another job. But instead, I have fallen into a deep depression. My friends have left me behind for various reasons, my mom and I are struggling to pay bills, and my car has broken down, so I have not even been able to leave the house. I have put in so many applications at so many different places and have not heard a single thing back. it is getting to the point where I am dissociating constantly and distancing myself from the few friends I still talk to. I do not even know why I am doing it, I genuinely do not want to, but every conversation leaves me feeling so drained and exhausted that it is just easier not to talk to anybody. My mom keeps up a smile and tells me we will get through it together, but I can tell it is weighing on her too. I feel so horrible and guilty that I am not helping with bills and I am trying everything I can to get back to a place where I am able to, but nothing is working. It hurts to even talk to her now, because I see how stressed she is, even when she tries not to show it. I am so lost and do not know how to find my way. I am So Lost and So Confused",Depression +20845,"I am ab 208lbs and 17 years old. I had a urge and swallowed ab 40 ibuprofen pills and 200mg of zoloft at the same time.Its been a few hours,have not seen the doctor(on vacation rn),and do not feel much except drowsiness.I do not know what this means to me,will I be in a lot of pain? If I go to the ER next week,can they do anything to help me? Overdose on ibuprofen?",Depression +20846,"I spent my childhood putting all my energy into surviving emotional abuse from my parents and I have spent whole years of my life completely alone with minimal human contact (basically just my immediate family and the odd delivery person) so despite nearly being 28 years old I have not developed the same social skills most people my age have (for example I have had sex exactly one time and I have never been in a relationship), this lack of social skills has caused problems in my relationships with people to the point where not understanding the full subtleties of situations has destroyed my reputation in some circles and even cost me employment, thinking about the problems I have caused for people just makes me want to shut out the world and hide from everyone, but speaking from experience being away from the world for long periods of time makes my mental health worse and further erodes my nonexistent social skills, so I force myself to work, make friends and go out despite the constant existential dread I feel in the background, I know I am burning the candle at both ends here and eventually I will probably snap and go back to my reclusive lifestyle but I see no other way forward but to force myself out of my extremely limited comfort zone and try to have as much of a life as possible even though it gets more and more stressful to maintain as time goes by I have this constant overwhelming urge to become a recluse",Depression +20847,"For my entire life nothing has gone well for me. Every. Single. Day. I cannot catch a break. Whenever I feel myself moving towards a better place, life decides to send me right back and even worse than before. I just want to put a bullet in my head, and I am running out of excuses. I do not know what to do anymore.",Suicidal +20848,"Keeping it brief as possible:- my country going into the worse economy recorded in 150 years, medicine, fuel, electricity, water are scarce- currency went down 20 times goods went up 20 times more- my salary lost value by 200%-my bank assets are seized by the goverment so i cannot pursue my education further like i wanted I am starting over been saving to go to uni again ( I am in my mid twenties )- i cannot go outside the country my money are frozen, i have no other passport- beirut blast destroyed the city and damaged my home- covid made things worse- I am lonely every friend i had has fled the country because they have visas and lost touch for some reason- my only friend left if you even consider that is an ex that lives in a different continent - I am lonely all day everyday- i cannot hangout because everything is out of budget i cannot buy anything either- I have just been existing and living the same day for almost 2 years now- my physical health is at its worst I cannot take it anymore truly. here is my situation",Depression +20849,"I have been struggling with several mental disorders for about five years. I am terrified of the feeling of death, but cannot help but almost crave the actual release I would gain. My intrusive thoughts have been especially bad, and I have found myself quite literally staring off thinking about death to spite people, how my family would recover, and even writing a note in my head. I feel so guilty for the few that genuinely care about me, but it almost feels like the best revenge I could get on others. I do not like to hurt people often, which is how I can tell I am on the edge. I am scared. The anxiety makes me scared, but at the same time the depression makes me not care?",Depression +20850,"I wanted to try and last longer for those few I love. But I do not think I can deal with this illness nor empty future anymore, I have lost the last of my desires, I just simply have no energy or enjoyment for them anymore. I am just a corpse that starts everyday at 5% battery trying to conserve what little I have and cope but it only seemingly gets worse and I am at the point where I feel there is nothing left.it is so dark now, and this time it is not going away no matter how many days pass.What did the little Mars rover say again?""My battery is low, and it is getting dark."" I think my end is coming.",Suicidal +20851,"I cannot hold it together or pretend I am okay for my loved ones anymore. I become hopeful then I become disappointed. He said I deserved happiness, he made me happy. Everything has been crashing in on me at once. I do not know if God is testing me but I cannot handle it anymore. I am sorry, bye Sick and desecrated",Suicidal +20852,"I am severely depressed and for several reasons cannot go to therapy, but I really cannot go on like this. Where I live I can buy antidepressants such as Prozac with any prescriptions and I feel like I might fall apart if I do not take any actions, I am just scared of taking anything and feeling worse than I do right now. Can someone please help me? Should I self-medicate?",Depression +20853,"Hi,I cannot sleep because I miss my dog, so I am writing to keep my mind occupied. Here is a little background about me. I have never been popular with women. I do not know why, but they typically do not find something about me attractive. I am not hideous, and I do not think I am an unattractive person. I treat people with kindness, and I am not socially awkward but for whatever reason, I have never had much luck with women. I have had a few successes with women that did not work out. When I was younger, it did not really bother me because I figured I would eventually meet someone. Now, I am 40 and it is impossible. I had accepted the fact that it was not going to happen a couple of years ago. Sure, I did not want that outcome, but I made peace with it. I have always loved dogs. They are truly are the best creatures on the planet. A couple of years ago, I took my savings that had been saved over several years of working and bought a house. It was a nice comfortable modest house with a nice yard and I adopted a beautiful dog. he is so sweet and loving. He is my best friend. I was still sad about not having a significant other in my life, but hey. I at least had my dog. Then I made the biggest career mistake I have ever made and left a good company for more money (and perceived security) because the economy was not doing well. That job was terrible, and I suffered from depression and anxiety about it. I was unable to find another job that paid well in that city and now I am in one of the largest cities in the country. it is a fine city, but impossible to own an actual single family home with a yard. Everyone lives in apartments and condos. I do not have a problem with it, but the dense urban environment was not good for my young and large dog. He was so used to being able to chase squirrels and run around our yard. He was so happy. I held out home that my company would allow me to work remotely because we had been doing it successfully so I could move back and buy a house for my dog. Sadly, they are going to require us to return to the office, and I knew then that I would not be able to afford a house for my dog. He was really is miserable in my apartment. We went on walks a lot, but there is very minimal green space here and his entire personality changed. He went from being happy all of the time to being sad. I made the difficult decision to rehome him this weekend. he is back in the city we came from with a nice and loving family that has a beautiful house with a yard. He instantly lit up when he saw the yard and took off running and playing. I knew it was the best decision for him, but I miss him so much. He really was the only reason my life is worth living. Not having my dog is not the only reason I am depressed. I have been lonely for a long time, but my dog was literally the only reason I smiled at all. To be honest, I would have probably killed myself had it not been for having him. Now, I find myself in this apartment alone and looking at pictures of my dog playing in my old yard and thinking about what I lost due to my mistake of leaving that job. The hard part is knowing I will never get that back. Because I just recently started this new job, I cannot really leave without screwing up my resume. it is not a bad company. it is actually a good job, but I do not understand why they will not allow me to work remotely. That being said, it is not my company, so it is what it is. I just really miss my dog. He was really the only good thing in my life. I am giving myself 3 months to allow time to hopefully have this feeling pass. I doubt it will because I have struggled with it for years, but I still have some hope that my life might change. Maybe I will meet my dream woman on the subway to work tomorrow? Maybe my company will allow me to work remotely and then my new special someone and I can move, buy a house and have dogs. that is really all I want. it is amazing how even something minor like that seems impossible, but that is all I really want. I will start this week putting my financial affairs in order like a will, etc and try to enjoy the next few months to the extent possible. I have a camping trip with my dogs new family in about a month where I will get to day goodbye to my dog. I truly home something changes in the next few months. What I have learned is that I do not really want to die. I just want a life that I cannot have. And not having that life means my future will be lonely and miserable. Short of something miraculous happening in the next few months, I will be gone. I just hope people will remember me well. I am not perfect, but I hope I am remembered as a nice person that loves animals. Rehomed my dog in preparation.",Suicidal +20854,"My whole body hurts, my head feels swollen, chronic pain combined with panic attacks and depression does not mix. I am probably going to loose my job. It does not help some kids are bullying me and making videos of me comparing my head to an egg, Jesus Christ. I feel worthless, I cannot keep it up",Depression +20855,I hate what my life has become Just struggling with living rn,Suicidal +20856,"My friends been a pal to me, brought over food and has in the past kept helping me in various ways and covering my tab. I have wanted to do the same for him but he said he wants to. Life seems much better when hes around compared to my mom who I really want to off myself and then pin it on her when the cops find me.I want to keep living for a bit longer with him aroundBut at the same time I am so sick of the choices life dealts me. I just want two supporting parents who can afford rent every month and have enough money to buy the things I want. It pisses me off seeing kids younger than me privileged and being able to afford things I cannot. And sometimes, having a good friend around makes me forget that. My friend makes things better & now I am second guessing suicide",Depression +20857,"there is so much trauma I have been through in my life. A life without a family, without love, without kindness. I wonder what its like to have a family and have others love me and be kind to me but I do not think I will ever experience that and this is the hard truth. I cry all the time and get flashbacks to my trauma everyday. I am tired of it and I know no one cares or loves me and I will just be another useless person gone from this world. I hope no other will have to experience a life without family or love and will never be lonely. Goodbye Goodbye.",Suicidal +20858,"Ever since I was a small child, I hated being alive. I cannot say I have ever been truly happy. Even at 4 years old I wanted to die. At 15 years old I came so close to ending it, but I just could not do it.Yesterday I said I would give myself two weeks before hanging myself. I do not think I can wait that long. I do not see a future for me.",Suicidal +20859,"Physical pain scares me. I am a coward. I will never be a real man. I will never mean anything to anybody. I will always be the butt of everyone is jokes. I am tired of the way of the world that I will never be able to even PRETEND to fit into. I am tired of being the target of abusers, users and manipulators. I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of feeling ashamed of myself for just being me.Everyday gets worse. Everyday I wish for a terminal illness or for a car accident. I am thinking about selling all my belongings, getting as much heroin and benzos as possible and going out the only way a coward (your words) like me can possibly even fathom being able to get the job done. Everyday the idea of killing myself gets a little bit less harsh and seems more plausible.When I sell my drums and gear you will know that soon I will no longer be a coward. I just need the courage and strength to man up (your words), the money and the drugs. This is what you want tho and no doubt it will bring you happiness to know I have fully given up and accepted that you were right all along. I am not a man and I never will be. I am a worthless coward like you called me so many countless times. It was not enough to grow up with an absent father and a narc mother. You had to come into my life and put the final nail in the coffin. You had to take away my last hope to experience unconditional love. You know I have nobody. At least you have your mother and brother.You faked it in the beginning but after a few months you beat me into submission everyday stripping away any sense of self worth that was left. You insulted my physical appearance now on top of everything else.I got clean for you. I traveled to another country for you. Nothing was enough. You made sure to prove to me what a piece of shit I am.This is what you want. Dear Mushu, I want to die.",Suicidal +20860,"I had a shit day. Absolutely fucking shit day. Honestly I wanted to hand in my two weeks at work so that my boss would have my replacement ready when I kill myself and then talked myself out of it. And then I finally fucking wrapped my head around the fact that this dude actually forced himself on me after he got me too fucked up and high. Honestly I thought it did not even happen. But fuck it came back to me and I feel like absolute fucking shit. I feel disgusting and I do not even want to be in my skin. And like other shit happened and when I was coming home, I was hopeful and thought okay at least this day is over. And guess fucking what? My cat shat on the fucking floor. It stank up my entire apartment and it was from earlier in the day and I want to fucking kill myself. Now I feel ill be an asshole if this was the last straw Do I sound like a piece of shit if I kill myself because my cat shitting on the floor was the last straw?",Suicidal +20861,"Why am I here? I mean why am I in this Reddit? I so desperately want to talk to someone, but I will not feel better. My mind is wandering more and more into Suicidal thoughts. I am never going to be happy, I am always going to be alone. Even when I have people around me that love me, I still feel alone and not listened to. People just cannot understand me, and I have no where and no way of expressing myself. I have no outlet, What am I supposed to do?! I feel so lost, lonely and stuck. Almost 40, maybe I am just not meant for anything or anyone, I am unlovable. Why should not I kill myself? And do not say it is because other people will be sad, fuck everyone else, I am tired of it always being about everyone else, what about me?! Why?",Suicidal +20862,"I just do not know where to start first we can start with my mother, it feels like she does not care anymore all she cares about is here girlfriend she does not care at all I have tried talking to her but it just does not work and I do not know what to do and I just hate her girlfriend so fucking much. I have had therapy and it does not help me at all I have tried talking to her she just does not care its like I am a stranger in my own family a mistake.. and the one girl that I actually thought loved and cared about me just it feels like she does not love me anymore it went from us having conversations to here just replying to me that is it what did I do yo deserve this I think I am an ok guy but am I really I just do not know anymore. I just want to die I live the day every day nothing changes at all and its just blank I feel nothing anymore no matter how hard I try. Like what do I do I am just a teenager am I confused am I mentally Ill what the fuck do I do... I have finally given up....",Depression +20863,"Does anyone feel like a empty she will walking in fucked up world we live in, I do not feel emotions. I just like a void inside of me. I always try to make people laugh, feel good about there self, text them a lot because they may not have a lot friends etc. But in the end I still feel empty. No les girls want empty 20f who les. Sometimes I want to just end it but the only bit I make people happy, smile and etc. Makes not want too but I am still empty because I never get the attention that I give other so they can feel better or happy for there self... Just empty",Depression +20864,"Anybody up and willing to chat, I could use it right now Any body still awake?",Suicidal +20865,"The other day, made the decision to get rid of the only means of ending my life that I had, all because I finally talked to someone about how I have been feeling. Now what do I do? ""Live"" until I eventually kick the proverbial bucket due to old age? Continue the cycle of suffering and brief moments of peace and happiness as a living corpse? People say ""it gets better"", even I have said it a couple of times, but I am just really skeptical about it. I wish I knew what to do... Best decision I have ever made?",Suicidal +20866,I have been on venlafaxine for about 7 years. From amounts of 150-225mg. Over the last few months I have been weaning off of it. I was tired of having zero sex drive and basically numb to emotions. I have been on Wellbutrin the last few months as well. It was going well until I reached 37.5 mg of venlafaxine. My dr then prescribed me 30mg and I have been cutting them in half. I have reached taking a 15mg every 3 days with horrible withdrawal symptoms (but I felt like I could stand them almost.) I have reached day 4 and I feel like my whole entire world is crashing down. I changed from a patient kind mom to an aggravated short fuse mom. I have the worst brain zaps of my life. My vertigo is so terribly bad sometimes it feels like I am floating or taking steps when the floor is flat. And now every night I have excessive yawning where my whole body shakes and makes my chest hurt. Am I missing the signs? Should I not get off of it? Is it going to get better? I am feeling a huge panic attack coming. These tremors are awful and I have never experienced yawning with shakes in my chest like this. Any advice? Coming off venlafaxine/effexor help.,Depression +20867,"Apologies for length. there is a *lot* to explain and I just.. need to vent, need a hug, and need someone to tell me things will be okay.I miss my friends ***so*** much.I met them a few years ago, when we started spending every Wednesday night at each others' places, seeing each others' faces, laughing, drinking, just.. basking in each others' warmth. And they made me feel that I was understood. That I finally had a space with them to be myself. They made me feel like I was *worth* something. Starting March of last year, we had to stop getting together for the then-foreseeable future, for obvious reasons. We still talked to each other every Weds night with voice chat, played games with each other, all of that. We did not stop being friends. Honestly, I do not know what shape I or they would be in if we had not had that solution. It was the best anyone could have done.But.. well.I do not.. love myself very much. Hardly at all, really.it is genetics. I have major depression and anxiety from my mom and dad. I have ASD (formerly Asperger's). And I have been told by my family that even very early on, I was withdrawn from and overwhelmed by the world. I had trouble trying to accomplish things, because I was convinced it would only end in failure.it is also trauma. My mother ran away from the family for a month or two when I was a toddler. Her emotions were unstable and I had to learn to walk on eggshells and preempt her anger or disappointment by treating her well. My dad struggled with alcoholism (though does not anymore) and got in accidents. My parents had lots of shouting matches. I was molested by two separate neighbors when I was 7 or 8. At 14 I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes after struggling with nausea, headaches, and spontaneous bedwetting (which certainly did not help my middle-schooler dignity) for months. Shortly after that diagnosis, my parents divorced. For years after, I had to act as their intermediary, which was extremely stressful since I feared both of them for different reasons. And so on. And so on. ^((For the record, my relationship with both of my parents is much,) *^(much)* ^(better today. they have owned up to their mistakes and are better people now.))I think all of that has taught me that I am not worth loving. That others matter more. That I am best served by making others happy.When my friends and I had to stop seeing each other, I did not lose them. But.. I think I did lose some parts of those relationships -- faces to read, positions relative to one another in physical space -- that provided me with a sense of worthiness and validation that I otherwise.. was not capable of providing myself.Over the course of Covid, we continued to have voice chats and play games together on Wednesday nights. But I began to act differently. I started going on about how lonely I was. Even right after those nights, on my private twt account (which they all followed), I made those sorts of comments. About how sad and hopeless I was. Almost as if I were accusing them of not doing enough, when in reality we were doing all we could and all we would ever agreed to do.When I saw them sometimes get together online without me, I reacted in similar ways. Even though some of them had been friends before I ever entered the picture. Even though their hanging out outside of the group's Wednesdays had nothing to do with excluding me and everything to do with them being good friends with each other.Throughout all of this, I was feeling down about my job. I would been there for more than six years, but my pay had hardly gotten any higher, and Covid reduced the in-office staff (which I was a part of) to a skeleton crew. I hardly spoke a word to anyone over the course of a day anymore, because there just were not many people to speak words to. I was losing motivation and hope.In April of this year, I applied for a new job that paid better and looked doable, and received a response and interview very quickly. This should have been a red flag, but I ended up accepting the role and giving my two weeks' notice.The week I was to start this new job, I had two more days at the old position to train my replacement. But.. I would never trained anyone before. And we did not have any training resources to speak of. And the senior staff were still almost never in. And my coworker very plainly stated that they did not want to help with the training. And after two hours with the new hire, I would exhausted what little I would been able to prepare. And I excused myself to the bathroom. And I excused myself from the building. And I had a panic attack up the car garage elevator. And I went home and tried to sleep and tried to ignore my phone and continued to panic.And then I started in the new job. And while I understood the role to be clerical, the first half of the day was warehouse work. And I was horrified that I would been placed in the wrong position. The second half of the day, once the financial controller was able to get away from their desk, was indeed training on the clerical role. But it was so nuanced, and touched on so many points so randomly.. and the building was scary, clearly built for a staff of a couple dozen but currently hosting only four, including the owner..For a week this carried on, and I panicked and had sobbing fits and thoughts of self-harm / s\*\*c\*de every single night. I would never experienced anything like it before.After that week, and after discussing it with friends and family.. I resigned. It was just affecting me so dramatically that continuing on was not an option.While this was going on, I asked my friends for support and advice, which they graciously gave me. But I was also.. up at odd hours, especially once I would resigned, continuing to panic. And I poked at my friends. Asked them for more attention and support than they would already given. More than they could reasonably give. I gave them stupid little updates on my state of mind. It was the sort of behavior I would been engaging in with them for a while now, amped up to 200.And it broke. And they told me how I was being. That I was triggering them with my behavior. That I was piling way, way too much onto them.And I felt awful. I would never meant to hurt them. They mattered so, so much to me, and I was being shitty. Emotionally manipulative. I think I loved myself so little that I was trying to get *all* of my validation and comfort from them, especially at my most desperate.. and a person cannot give that much to you. it is not physically or emotionally possible. So.. I spoke to them in voice chat. Apologized. They took my apology, and asked me to move on and be better.So. that is what I have been doing. I started therapy. Started learning to be more self-reliant. To love myself more, because I wanted to be a better friend, and because in the times I would not be able to receive love from them, I would be able to get it from *some*where. To not doubt myself so much. And, by extension, to not doubt my friends (and how their behavior was or was not connected to me / my self-worth) so much. To fight against intrusive thoughts of my worthlessness. To be my own friend.I have had some success. I have made some steps. I am proud of what I have accomplished, even if it is only been a short while. I am definitely in a better place than I was two or three months ago.But.I still miss my friends' faces and places and laughing and drinking and warmth. Because regardless of my own strength, they give me.. tons more. And because I love them and their personalities and just being with them and sharing with them.And recently two of them said they are going to be so busy these next two weeks that they will not even be able to voice chat like normal, and. I am just scared and lonely.And my birthday's at the end of the month, and I am worried I will be spending it alone. They all have spouses, but all I have got is me. And while I am more comfortable with that today, it is still.. not much yet. And I.. want to be happy. I want a happy birthday. I have been so sad with very little break for months and months now. I want my friends back. I want to be happy. And maybe it is childish but I just want someone to hug me and tell me it is going to be okay.If you have.. any kind words, or anything, I would really appreciate it. I really am doing better than I was, but that does not mean I do not stumble, and I am struggling right now.Regardless, thank you for reading all of this. Because of my behavior over the past year, it would not be right to bring up every detail of this with my friend group. But I still want someone to see it.Thank you. Struggling with Loneliness and Self-Love (cw: mention of sexual trauma)",Depression +20868,I am going to my best friend's place tomorrow all the way in Idaho where I am in California and its been 2 years since I have seen him I was going to last year but quarantine happened and it got cancelled so I am worried that I am not the me he used to like and he will not want to be friends I have known him since the first grade and he has been my best friend ever since so I cannot lose him I am worried Book of various worries,Depression +20869,"normally when my depression kicks in, or if i have instructive thoughts, i can shut it out. not this time. its getting worse, i cannot turn it off this time. my meds are not working, i do not know what to do. its getting worse",Depression +20870,Someone pls help me I am gonn do it today Plsss,Suicidal +20871,"I do not get it why people assume everyone else would even like to be alive. I personally have never had any reasons to be alive at all. Especially since a few months which led to me losing everything, it caused me from being financially able to live a normal life to being broke after having lost everything. It was the final nail in the coffin I think. I am dreading every single day and I am soo soo miserable every time a new day arrives. I have no hope or direction in my life right now nor do I want to continue living, why would you expect me to go on fighting for my life if I myself do not even want to??Why do you put your values and expectations on us. I have experienced too much pain and horrendous shit As well that has caused me to be even less interested in life than I already was. Up until now I have been a bit scared to end myself bc I cannot seem to do it quick and painlessly. However, the fact my situation is deteriorating and I have 0 euros on my bank right now with a lot of debt ill just starve slowly I suppose. Sorry for all my family and former friends who had to put up with me lol. Why do people expect from us that we even want to live",Suicidal +20872,i am planning on committing suicide for the simple fact that my needs will never be met by anyone in my life and that i will always be excruciatingly alone. i am in so much emotional and mental pain and i cannot exist anymore. the world is also looking much stranger and much more bizarre which freaks me out. i can no longer understand why i should not kill myself. it is over. i cannot do this anymore.,Suicidal +20873,I have been told numerous times that killing yourself is selfish I am interested in hearing yalls opinions on this. Is it selfish? Or is it the only option? Suicide,Depression +20874,"My father thinks I am a freak and wants me to kill myself.My mother is disappointed that I turned out like this.I get daily comments from my brother; shit like you will never be a man, its just a phase, you do not have a dick and balls do that means you are a girl, you are so dumb/delusional you think you are a guy etc etc. they are so ashamed of me that they refuse to let me come out to my extended family, they even wanted me to not tell my friend but of course I did not listen. I get misgendered and deadnamed daily, not just by my family but by people at school, I have already been threatened to be killed for being trans by some guy. I was lied to for so long, my parents told me that they would love me no matter who I become but its all a fucking lie because I am not the perfect cishet mentally stable daughter they wanted; instead they got a fucked up trans faggot son. I could of turned out to be some serial killer and they would of preferred that over me being trans. If my family want me to hurry up and die already they just need to say so; I know exactly where a train is and Ill gladly sit down on the rail roads. I mean my father has already told me to go kill myself but Ill listen to what he says if he tells me to kms again (or anyone else in my family says to). None of them bother to listen to me so at this point Ill need to kill myself to prove that my gender dysphoria is real and that their words have consequences. Ffs my mother tried to gaslight me into believing that I was not trans when I came out to her. I doubt Ill make it to see 2022 and to be honest, I hope I do not; I am so sick of this shit. What tf did I do to deserve this kind of torture? Why could not I just be born normal? I am cursed with gender dysphoria and an unsupportive family (FTM)",Suicidal +20875,"I fake it. I get up. Do work. Workout. Cook. Socialize. A good day by anyone's standards. Then I lay down a just say I wish I was dead. That day was not worth living. I wish I had never existed. And it is never going to get better. And those are the ""good days"". How much longer do I have to stick around? Even on my best days.",Depression +20876,Someone stole some very important documents that would allow them to steal my identity.. a whole new level of stress I did not need. On top of health problems and other stressors. I feel like life just kicks you when you are down. Why bother trying/ at this point maybe Ill just be homeless and die a slow death from being an addict. I do not want to see or feel how awful this world is anymore. Life always gets worse,Depression +20877,"Even if I get a job that pays well, I still got to work 8 hours a day and get home too fucking exhausted to do anything. The more I think about it, the less I think its worth going on with this exhausting and monotonous existence. We work until our bodies break down and we wait to die. Life it fucking pointless and we only exist to suffer. I do not want this existence. I did not ask for this. I just want to die. Its hard to be optimistic about the future.",Suicidal +20878,"I have Instagram, Twitter and this thing. Although it can be a great distraction sometimes when I am feeling low it can make it worse. But not in the sense of being jealous of others and their happy life more so in the sense of watching all the chaos of the world and how everyone treats each other. When I am depressed this feels highlighted. Maybe that sounds stupid idk. This happen to anyone else? Social media sometimes makes things feel worse",Depression +20879,"But they do not, and they should not, and I do not deserve it. I deserve to be and die alone, and come my birthday in a couple months I will be gone. I hope I am a thron in all of their brains that never leaves. I wish anyone cared",Suicidal +20880,I was planning on kms before I turned 18 but obviously that did not happen. I am very depressed and confused. I have no friends and I am failing school. I wish I could just disappear. Its my 18 birthday and I am currently crying myself to sleep.,Suicidal +20881,"I am 16 M. My best friend die a few months ago and he was the only person who gave a fuck about anything I did my parents do not love me. They call me a ""mistake"" all I want to do is end it all. The method I am thinking of choosing Is slitting my wrists in a bathtub full of warm water. I heard the sensation is nice. What is the easiest way to commit suicide painlessly.",Suicidal +20882,I am tired of existing. I quit. I am handing in my 17 week notice. I have set my date for November 14th.,Suicidal +20883,"Been battling over the last 10 years to improve life but now at 23 it is time to call it quits for good and finish the job properly After 10 years of battling, it is time to call it the end",Suicidal +20884,I been doing so well but I just cannot anymore. I want to commit suicide so bad but I am afraid. Afraid of dying but more than that afraid of what happens if i fell and am stuck in a vegetative state and not having the choice to anymore. I thought living woth my mom full time would help but now I have back to where i started. I cannot continue to live the life I am currently am. I am just so miserable. I wish my mom had gone through with the abortion so i would not have to tale my own life. I do not know what to do,Suicidal +20885,"I am really tired like reallyyyyyyy tired of going to sleep every night at 4am and waking up at 6 or 7 and spending the whole day thinking about one person. Every single day suiside is on my mind and when I met my best friend my life shifted but idk if it was for the better or the worse. I love him so fucking much and do not want to see him lose it he is my world and I appreciate evey word he says to me but I am not sure if I can hang on any longer or make it to 16. People have different ways on seeing things and my way of seeing our friendship is that yeah now is strange one we are laughing and doing everything right, then stage 2 we start to drift bc things like this do not last forever. Stage 3 we have pretty much forgotten about each other and we just say our final goodbye and wish each other the best, I have a bad habit of thinking of the depressing things and one that I always think about is saying goodbye to them. I am sick of having to stay alive it sucks big time and I have given up on my dreams and beliefs and even my future I never asked to be here I hate it here the only thing I like about this place is the dark not like the opposite of light I mean the darkness inside of people the dark that you cannot eliminate the dark that people declared insane crave. I like feeling this way most of the time but sometimes when it gets like this I do not bc ik that if I die someone else will to probably. I think I might do it someday this week bc I will be alone almost always and before anyone is like no stop do not do it ha I am done what people say okay if someone is coming with me its there choice not mine yes I love them and told them not to do anything if I go but I now would like to say that from rn 2:05am I do not give a fuck anymore if I am going to do it I am going to do it nothing will change that. Good day All good things come to an end eventually",Suicidal +20886,"First of all, I believe my family does not mean to hurt my feelings when they say stuff like this. they are genuinely concerned and love me, they just have some boundary issues.I have had symptoms of clinical depression since sixteen, i knew something was wrong immediately. It just did not feel like teenage angst anymore, it was sort of numb. I am 24 now, finally seeking help on my ADHD and disorders.I know I have not been taking good care of my teeth. I try hard, but I just never remember to brush them. I am finally at once a day, twice a day seems far off. I KNOW I ruined them. I know its because of my mental health.Sometimes I eat sweets, and wince. Someone asks what is wrong, and I admit its my teeth. Que the half hour lecture about how silly I am for not going to the dentist, how did I let it get this bad, once my FIL called it trashy.I am already insecure because of how they look, and even more so because of why they got so bad. When people bitch about my teeth, I feel so stupid and weak. Other people do not struggle with this, I do not understand why I cannot be like everyone else.Anyway, I know its not really a normal depression thing, its just something on my mind today. I wish people would stop talking about my teeth.",Depression +20887,Lately I just been so down and feeling like everything in my life is going wrong my relationship my car my home I feel like giving up I lost the only person in my life that made me feel good about myself and its all my fault I have no family I can talk to I moved to a place where I do not know anyone and the person I moved here for left me I moved cross country I am grateful for everything I do have just being alone 24-7 is getting to me in the past I would turn to liquor and that would end up making everything worse..when I get mad I get a temper and I cannot control my mouth and I do dumb ass things I am starting to hate who I am I pushed the best thing away from me and I am alone with my thoughts all day I do not know what to do anymore I want to be better but its hard as fuck to get out of this slump I have been having vivid dreams about my mother who passed away I have been waking up sad I wish I had a family or some real friends I could talk to but this last year I have cut everyone out of my life now I am about to loner... I lost the love of my life the only person who understands me its going to be a rough time for me and this is going to ultimately end up killing me Everything is wrong,Depression +20888,it hurts too much to go alone may someone please keep me company before i go,Suicidal +20889,"A few months back I said Id kill myself but the pills would not let me stand up and grab the gun. The worst part? I felt ashamed it did not work rather than anything else even though that was the closest I have been to actually doing it. I keep fucking up and making people hate me. I do not do it on purpose I just have nothing left and do not know what is wrong with me. Therapy fucking sucks and they all tell me the same shit that never works. Only medication that seems like it will work is hot lead. For months now I have been telling myself Id do it, but I just do not. I keep telling myself it will get bad enough, Ill grow a pair, but I do not. I do not know what to do anymore, I have been in the psych ward and held against my will already so many fucking times and every time I feel less human. Not that I ever was. I cannot do it now, I hurt someone I care about in a horrible way and I have to fix that. I cannot leave them with questions. They have to know this is my own damn fault and that I love them and everything I do is a big Fuck up I do not mean. Its just so hard to act like I am not constantly dying out.",Suicidal +20890,"I left home and ran some errands, had some nice talks with strangers, just a good trip. I was only out of my house for a few hours but when I got home and walked into my backyard I just felt like 5 minutes of just content, good, or even happy.Just a surreal moment where I told my mom I feel good right now, and like that it was over in my minutes. If I tried to think about it, I have maybe only felt that way 1x in the past 2-3 years. It feels wrong to even think of, but was that normal? is that what people feel when they do Neuro typical people relaxation shit like waking up from a nap, or going to the beach, or watching a tv show. Is that what I am supposed to feel when I see a friend? get home after a long day? And why do not I feel that way more often? I am not formally diagnosed with a specific disorder, just GAD and ADHD with a note that says DSM-5 Depressive disorder, other specified which is vague. Idk I think I want to relate this thought to my therapist. Is this by definition depression? My mind goes all over the place when I try to make sense of these feelings. I feel silly, like no I am surely always feeling this but not remembering it. Idk, just a mess Momentarily felt normal?",Depression +20891,"I cannot endure another 50-60 years of this. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just wish I had a place to go. Everyone makes me so mad, but not as mad as I make myself. I hate everyone but at the same time I feel so less than in comparison. My antidepressants do not even work anymore, even after I purposely overtake them. I am sick of taking my meds for my attention problems too. Its suck when your brain is such a cruel place yet your completely stuck in it. I do not plan on killing myself now, but I most likely will in the future. I just cannot keep enduring this. I just want this to end",Depression +20892,"I guess I am just desperate for attention and validation. Its just after a rough 2 weeks at my new and first job plus being bullied, its exhausting. It does not help that I get really bad episodes where I hear my bullies laughing in my head. I need support I am feeling really down ; (",Depression +20893,Me Guess who is probably going to attempt tonight?,Suicidal +20894,"My wife and son are leaving me,my landlord is evicting me tomorrow,I do not know who else to turn to,my family basically disowned me because my mom and stepdad were beating me when I had to move back in with them a few months ago because my apartment flooded and I finally called the cops and got them charged,I have been thinking about it for a long time and I think this is finally it for me I have nobody else to talk to but my name is Tyler Hassey,I live in Dallas Texas and I feel that these are my last few days,I am terrified of death but I have no other option,I have lived on the streets and I cannot do it again. I am writing this not for signs of help or to think everything will turn out okay but for a sense of closure, I can no longer deal with the hardships or pain or misery and want nothing more than for all of it to end,I write this as a final goodbye in hopes that someday it eventually reaches my family.I am sorry to everyone this affects and hope that you can forgive me and the decision that I have made,I love you all and goodnight I do not know where else to go",Depression +20895,I do not even know why I would post here besides me being an attention whore. Nothing feels fun anymore and I know all my friends secretly hate me. The only one that listened to me will not even talk to me anymore because she hates me and I am nothing but a bother to her. I am constantly feeling like I should just commit but I am a pussy and I never will. No one in my family would support me if I was honest with them because they all think I am worthless already. The only person I thought loved me will not even talk to me anymore and I do not know why. I hate it here I hate myself so much,Suicidal +20896,"I have been cleaning out my camera roll today and I keep seeing photos Id taken of myself. Fun selfies, little videos with my favorite songs, outfits that made me feel good. I cannot remember the last time I did that. I cannot remember the last time I looked at myself and wanted to keep looking. I have always struggled with how I view my body (gender dysphoria plus body dysmorphia), but it makes me really sad that things started to get better then got so bad again. I was not doing well at all mentally but at least I had that. I do not know how to express all of how this is making me feel but its not good. I wish I could go back in time and hug my past self. The 7 y/o old stepping on his mothers scale. The 10 y/o shaving his arms because someone said they were too hairy. The 12 y/o getting migraines every day because someone made fun of his glasses.The 14 y/o wearing two bras and getting up hours before school to cake on makeup, praying that being a pretty enough girl would fix things. The 16 y/o hacking up blood and still feeling fat at 80 lbs. Every version of myself deserved better. They deserved so much love from themselves and the people in their lives. I realized I have stopped taking photos of myself again.",Depression +20897,"I live in a prison. I cannot get out of depression, but I cannot kill myself because I do not want to hurt anyone in my family. I only live to be torn apart I do not even have anyone to talk to when I am deep in sorrow",Depression +20898,"Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and could not be bothered to help you with yours (understandably). Nobody cares about me or my problems so why cannot I just leave, it solves my problems and nobody has to listen to me complain. From our perspectives, anything that happens to us is huge. But if I were to die tonight, the world keeps spinning and my existence is forgotten. Like many others. You learn how miniscule and worthless your life is when you realize nobody cares about your suffering",Suicidal +20899,I drink alcohol and do drugs to not hate myself and the world more and when I wake up I find out I have done things that will make me hate the world more and have more people hate me. I just do not know what to do. I hurt myself and displease others but without it i do not know how I can keep going. The silver lining I look forward to is that I know its slowly killing me each day. I thought it would help me with my depression and but its only added to it. I do not know what to do,Depression +20900,"I legit just have been so depressed. I try not to bottle up my feelings and such, but I just do not feel better, just sad all the time. I do have happy moments ofc, but just having this overarching feeling of sadness. I am just hella depressed",Depression +20901,"Just hurts. I get invalidated for this too all the time. "" no ones ugly, just be confident "" bla bla bla.. man. I was a very unattractive kid so I was always rejected. It made me be super quiet and its permanent. I am so damn anti social now. I am so shy and socially awkward no matter how much I practice. On top of it depression takes away my personality, libido charm etc. 11 years of this shit. there is nothing desirable about me. Sure I workout but it will not fix my bad qualities. I have given up with women I mean shit I already know life is not fair its cruel. I feel like I am 95 constantly depression is not fair I really hate being unattractive",Depression +20902,"my darling is gone, he will never see this but if he does , i miss you daryl please come back before it is too late, i know he will not come back so i have it ready but please i do not want to die darling, i want to live, for you i love you",Suicidal +20903,"When that feeling of loneliness kicks in and you just cannot suppress it, what the fk do you do? I just cry till I sleep. And tomorrow, like nothing happened.When i have suicidal thoughts I go on chat only omegle and put on my interests suicide and suicidal and talk with strangers. It helps, at that moment . But the emptiness I feel today i know i will feel it tomorrow. I just cannot satisfy myself. I want things to change, I try to change them but my feelings do not.that is all for today. Come again.I will be here till I die or I jump off a tall building Alone again",Suicidal +20904,"I originally typed a whole thing about my past mental health diagnosis but its really unimportant. Well anyways, I just wanted to talk about a day, rather a moment, I had earlier this week. I was going insane from boredom and left my house to run some errands, ended up in a few shops for some of my interests and had some nice talks with total strangers. Idk just a few hours doing things I have not done in a while what I noticed was I got home. Ate a snack and walked to throw the trash out going though my backyard. The sun was out and I felt warm, I hummed a song that I listened to in the car earlier. I stopped for a moment and holy shit I felt good! I mean good? it was weird almost surreal. I felt pretty much high in that tiny moment. I am at a loss per words in describing it, it was not joy, or even happiness I just felt momentary comfort, relaxation maybe a feeling I may come across 1x a year. I cannot imagine it again now, and I feel insane. I just cannot shake the thought Is this what I am supposed to feel? Not sure if I am depressed, but I do know I am never happy",Depression +20905,"I want to help, you can talk to meA background on me: I am now a 32F who has been through it. I was nearly homeless growing up for several years. I lived in New Mexico at the time where a dog poacher was at large and he killed nearly all of my dogs. My dad died when I was 11, right as I was entering a rough phase of life with puberty and crushes. A time where I really could have used my dad. He did not get to see me graduate and I did not get to dance with him at my wedding. I was bullied relentlessly in school for being chubby, poor or for the loss of my dad. He died at 38yo of natural causes. My grandpa molested me when I was 18. I have been through the shit and fought through depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life. But here I am, I am not a psychology or psychiatrist. I am just someone with the life experience with mountains of shit and awful hands dealt to me. And I want to help. If someone just needs a sounding board. Someone to talk to. Vent to. I am here. If anyone needs someone to talk to. You can talk to me.",Suicidal +20906,"my love is gone, I have nothing to live for anymore i doubt he cares or will see this but if he does , maybe he recognizes me. goodbye darling I am sorry i was not enough",Suicidal +20907,I feel so alone and lonely and it hurts. Its scary tbh. It stresses me out. I am not sure if this belongs here but I feel so alone,Depression +20908,"Idk title I guess lmao. Used to the city where you can just go scream. Now living with parents in fucking suburbs. cannot drive. cannot think of a single place that a scream will not result in goddamn cops.Idk. I guess I am not expecting a lot outta this post. cannot imagine someone has some magic answer that will let me go expel all this energy and self hate.Wish there was such an answer though. Or, y'know, if I could not feel that way that would be cool too. Anyhooooo Where can you scream in the suburbs",Depression +20909,"I am feeling the lowest low I have felt in a while and I am seriously considering hurting myself for the first time in over a year and none of my friends are available because I have self-sabotaged all of my relationships in the past two weeks and I feel like my mind has been preparing this for me to finally kill myself. I have severe bpd with auditory hallucinations, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and a circadian rhythm sleeping disorder. I do not want to live like this anymore. An interesting title",Suicidal +20910,I just want the emptiness to be gone. I just want it to all be over. I feel empty,Suicidal +20911,"So everyone would remember be as the ""loving boyfriend"", ""caring relative"", ""hardworking student"", even if everyone around me thinks that it could not be away from the truth, if I just ""slipped"" somewhere and died tomorrow everyone would be saved from disapointment and get to keep their fake memories. I want to die as soon as possible",Suicidal +20912,I am so close to ending it I am about to have no one left. i fucking loved them my last two friends want to end our friendship,Suicidal +20913,I am really lonely and do not have anyone to talk to. Acid made me super paranoid and now I feel like every other person is just me playing a trick on myself (almost like unconsciously bullying me ) I know its probably the acid but I feel really low. I have been low so many times in my life and I am 20. I have never had a girlfriend which kills me everyday nor do I have a solid friend. What is the point in life? Why do people suffer? This feels like some kind of hell I am trapped in I am feeling really down rn. Took acid last night still recouping,Suicidal +20914,Seriously. Everything I do has no meaning and no rhyme nor reason. Gods used as a coping mechanism by those who need it but I just cannot bring myself to believe that I was made solely to serve something/someone else. So if all of my life is just some fluke or happenstance why the fuck am I here. I give nothing of value I am completely replaceable there have been and will be thousands more exactly like me so why? what is the point of trying to accomplish something when nothing at all matters.I just do not get it what is the point,Suicidal +20915,"I have struggled for over 10 years, since early teenage years. Many periods of suicidal ideation. Sure I have times where it feels okay or manageable for some time. But better never stays. It scares me so much to know it will come back no matter what I try. I never thought Id live this long to begin with. People are moving on without me, society is moving on without me. How is it possible to feel so empty but so heartbroken and distraught at the same time? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem just does not feel right to me. It never goes away. Does better ever stay forever?",Suicidal +20916,i appreciated you more than you will ever knoweven though i rarely showed it i never showed my appreciation enough while you were still here,Depression +20917,"I know we constantly hear about how suicide is a cowardly act and I get why it looks that way. It seems like an easy way to escape life's problems. But I do not think it is easy. I am utterly terrified of death and yet I am so tired of being me. Not a day goes by without me wishing that I was braver. Not so I could face the next day but so I could just stop it. Facing the next day requires me to do nothing. I just need to get up in the morning and watch stuff somehow get worse every day. Actually ending it takes more courage than I have. I know it is probably not a healthy or helpful view but I do not think suicide is a cowardly act. At worst, it is an act of desperation. Is suicide really cowardly?",Depression +20918,"I have been weaning off my antidepressants and I have noticed I have been able to almost cry. and, i do not know, i feel human again. i can almost cry again",Depression +20919,"I have lost everything and everyone I care about I do nothing but disappoint people I am never good enough for anyone I am never what they want me to beIn two weeks from today I plan to hang myselfMy family does not want meMy grandparents are deadMy best friend was just diagnosed with cancerMy grades are fucking horrible and I am not going to get into a collegeThe girl I am into is ""not ready for a relationship""I am still not over the damage my abusive ex caused in my mental stateI've lost almost all of my friendsI'm only 16 and I am already struggling with serious porn and alcohol addictionsMy life is just not worth living anymore. I take more effort to keep alive than I am ever going to give back to those who put in. I have been ""dead inside"" for so fucking long I am ready to be dead on the outside too Nothing but loss",Suicidal +20920,"I often crash miserably on the weekends because of the lack of structure. I realized I have nothing to do. It sucks that depression makes me not care about things . And since nothing seems worth the effort of pursuing, that leads to doing nothing except screentime. I did some deadlifts, barbell rows, and military presses with some cheap weights I bought like a year ago. it is very fascinating to me and I am excited to start working out. I even have a goal for tomorrow to eat some chicken and rice for a healthy meal instead of fast food. I want to get a nice barbell and some weights too. I lifted some weights today",Depression +20921,"i am constantly fucking up. cannot do anything right. try to make changes and be social and it only lasts for so long, and then I am drained and back to isolating myself and feeling the same depressive feeling but not wanting to leave it. EVERYTHING enjoyable feels like a distraction. i have not actually thoroughly enjoyed something since i was a kid or if I am on any kind of drug/alcohol (i do not do it often but its true). sure, i get little fleeting moments of enjoyment but they are so short lived. I am just exhausted. what am i even doing here? i hate being me",Depression +20922,It hurt knowing that my dad wanted an athletic hard working kid and liked different stuff but instead he got me It hurts,Depression +20923,"I am not sure how else to describe how I have felt over the past few weeks other than I feel loved but at the same time very alone. My wife is an amazing mother to our beautiful kids, and she is the only other adult I have interacted with since lockdown began last year. Besides her, there is no one. I work remotely and have never met any of my coworkers, and I do not have many people I would consider friends anywhere close to me. My family outside of my home is a dysfunctional tragedy and is not a source of support in any way.I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor Friday evening, with my gun in my hand, crying and confused about how I feel. Feeling guilty but not knowing what else to do other than to take my own life. I feel useless, hopeless. I can fake a smile, a laugh, but I am empty inside. It does not feel like I have anything left for this life or the people I am surrounded by. I have a plan, a note, and I am not sure I am looking for feedback. I do not know what I am looking for, to be honest. Feeling loved but alone.",Suicidal +20924,"I am going to kill myself when I turn 1815 just lookin around and seeing these pretty ppl everywhere. It makes my anxiety kick in and makes me sad too. I am tired of my family saying o no ur pretty one day you will find ur fianc and I just do not listen to them anymore because Ik its not true or going to happen. No guy wants me. I just want to be pretty. Is that really hard to ask? Why did I have to look like my dad. When people say that I know they are just saying that I look like a man yk because I look like my dad. I want plastic surgery, piercings, and tats but they cost so fucking much. When I get a car I am planning on living in it and saving up money to pay for the surgery. If I do not get pretty I promise you all I will kill myself when I turn 18. I will get addicted to drugs and overdose. cannot wait you all. And no I am not going to get a therapist. They will say the same shit I hear when I tell my family bout this . Its hard being a darkskin antisocial obese unattractive female/teen with a low self esteem and is not confident at all. I just hate people so much I wish I could be isolated from everyone. I got no friend, I have been laughed at because of my appearance and I have been an outcast my entire life. I have tried to fit it but it did not really work. I just despise myself so much... (F15)",Suicidal +20925,"""you are 16 now, you were better when you were 6"". Well i might as well just die at 6 then. Lol",Depression +20926,"I have decided that it is time I get professional help for my suicidal ideation. Where do I go? I need a place I can go to tomorrow morning, I do not want an appointment that will not happen for days or weeks. I need to walk in to wherever and get some kind of help. I am making myself get in the car and go wherever it is to get help because if I do not now, I never will.What kind of place or person do I go to? For reference I am in the US. Where do I go to get help?",Suicidal +20927,I know other people here are struggling and I just want to say to everybody struggling I hope you all get better. Everybody going through some thing but I am cut to the chase with my storyIm a 24 year male who is thinking about suicide everyday. I had enough of life. I missed out on all the fun people had my age. I feel so fucking horrible and feel like shit as a result. I constantly ruminate about my horrible miserable past such as-getting choked out by a nfl player my freshman year of high school. What a bully he was. He plays for the Detroit lions by the way. Not going to say his name-not going to prom -being a virgin-my evil brother saying statements such as ill give you a gun why do not you kill yourself and abusing me physically and verbally.-dropping out of high school-being betrayed by friends and school officials in high schoolI have no friends and I am fucking fighting for dear life. I feel like I am in a fucking war. Sorry for the language but I plan to go back to college and see a therapist there. I am so fucking angry and depressed. The only reason why I refuse to kill myself is because I am Muslim and I just do not want to end up in hell. Come to think of it my life is a living hell I hope you all wish me well. Help? I hate my life and I just want to die,Suicidal +20928,after my last failed attempts in march i sort of gave up for a while but I am thinking about doing it again. my familys house has an unfinished basement and therws no ceiling in the laundry room so the support beams are exposed. I have tried hanging myseld down there before but it was when i was 15 and all i had was some cloth belts from old bath robes to make a noose with and obviously it gave out immediately and did not work. but I am 20 now so i can go buy rope and make sure it works. mmy second option would be hanging myself in the woods about a mile from my house where i go for walks sometimes but i probably would not be found for a while and I would decompose fast since its summer so my body might be gone before being found too. i also do not want to scar some innocent bystander for life. so maybe its not a good idea to do it out there afterallsorry for the rambling I am not well I am seriously considering suicide again,Suicidal +20929,"I do not have the energy to make a throwawayI just feel drained, been depressed all my life, things were starting to work out, then I lost it all, and now I struggle to enjoy anything. My meds do not help anymoreCan't find a solutionI have a method and an approximate dateDeep down I do not want to die, I just do not see an alternative, I have nothing to look forward to except more loneliness and hardshipsI might move out on my own soon, and I have no friends, no job, no passion, no hope for the future. The thought of me alone in an empty apartment haunts me at every waking hour, and I do not know how to deal with itWill probably delete the thread soon after posting cannot feel anything anymore, meds do not work, relationships crumbling, no hope on the horizon",Suicidal +20930,yeah that is it lmfao really want to kill myself,Suicidal +20931,"I like to imagine a giant, blunt object dropping from the sky and instanteously obliterating my head. That or taking an electric drill between the eyes and just grinding my brain matter into mush that will never form a coherent thought ever again. How do you like to imagine yourself dying?",Depression +20932,"One of those NPCs from a side quest, not the main story. Thanks for stopping by. I really enjoyed spending time with you. You gave me a big part of my life, even though I am not a big part of yours. I know I did not really impact your life, but you really impacted mine. Maybe you do not feel that close to me, but I really care about you. I would do almost anything to help guide you on your way, but I am just a stepping stone on your path.that is ok because I was happy while I was playing the part. I could not possibly expect anything in return because I know I am not enough. it is ok because what I had to offer was limited, so my time with you would be short. I do not have the tools to join you on your journey.Even if I could tell you what you mean to me, I know you cannot stay. The other NPCs can help you along the way. Maybe you will even pick up a co-op player or a love interest along the way.I hope I helped. At the very least I hope you can forget me. I could not live with myself if I did you harm.The main story awaits. For you. Tell the next one to wake me up when I can be useful again.Ok, it is not a perfect analogy but I have had a bit to drink and am having a bad day, so shut up lol. Love you all. I feel like an NPC in everyone else's story mode",Depression +20933,I do not have to pretend in my room. My bedsheets have not been changed in weeks. It is so cluttered that you cannot see the floor. The spot on my bed where I sit is dented and stained. When I get back to my room I do not have to pretend to be happy or pretend to have friends. I do not have to interact with anyone. I can just sit and not be bothered. No one can see my when I am in my room so I can just let it all go. When I step out of my room all I do is pretend,Depression +20934,"I am a caregiver for my mom and I have helped her since I was 12. I want to help her because I know she cannot do stuff alone but I cannot take a day off. there is always something I have to do and I am exhausted. I do love her but I just cannot take it anymore. My therapist suggested moving out since I am 18 but I just cannot. I feel selfish and feel like there is no reason to move out. Also, I know if I move out my mom will find me so we can amend things. My therapist and I have tried to find ways for services but she cannot get on them because of social security points or money. I have been trying to fix the relationship but I feel like there is always something wrong. Not on her but me. If I do not do this, I am selfish. If I take a break or want to do something I feel like I could be cleaning this or helping her with that. We argue because I am not cleaning this now or doing this later. I am tired. I have told her many times I want help but for some reason she always wants help from boyfriends. I do not care anymore but anytime I try to find a solution all it leads me to is killing myself. I feel hopeless and I just want a break. My therapist said if she should help me move out or find a way to feel better about this and I do not know what to do. I do not want to move out but I do not feel like I could feel better about the situation I am in. I am sorry if I am all over the place but i did not want to make this post any longer. I just want to get away from everything",Suicidal +20935,I have this thing where I am attracted to broken females because I feel like I could fix them or help in some kind of way no one else can what is weird is that I am also broken. If anyone has a psychological term please let me know what it is. Broken,Depression +20936,After more than 8 year of being clean I have cut myself again. I feel like I am spiraling into rock bottom after I swore I will never be in that place again. I keep having flashbacks and horrible body responses to them. I do not know how to cope anymore. Reality seems so distorted. Venting after sh,Depression +20937,"9 years of supposed happiness, but oh, I have changed, and realized that you are not what i want! Its me, not you! Now leave me alone forever and do not ever talk to me again! No i do not hate you, i just want you to stop existing! Being consciously ghosted into oblivion by someone you loved is the worst fucking pain",Depression +20938,"And those same assholes just continue to live their lives, without realizing they caused someone to commit suicide? Why do the assholes who gave me ptsd expect me to change as if I am the problem?",Suicidal +20939,no notes. I will not leave a note or last words. Everything I need to say I have already told the people that I cared about. So the note would just be a burden on the first person that read it. Like I chose them to tell everyone. it is about just leaving and not troubling anyone else with my presence anymore. If/when,Suicidal +20940,"I am doing better than I have been in six years and I am still feeling depression come in and out of my head like a fog. I feel like I am always looking for something to take away that resilient pain-- collecting movies (buying so many that I will never watch but just buying tons of them anyway), >!binge eating and overeating,!< spending a huge amount of each day just watching YouTube, etc... I need to realize that I will just have to deal with it without all these things someday. I am just. So scared of that. I do not want to deal with it, but I know I have to... How do I get over the fact that I will never feel better? Or ""normal""?",Depression +20941,"I .... I do not know what there is anymore. I am too damaged, too broken, too evil. Every minute, second is agony but there is no end. I kow I deserve every moment of it for what I did but I could never imagine it would feel like this. Please God put a bullet through my skull and mean it. END ME END ME END ME ...",Suicidal +20942,"Here I am again facing another crisis that is my fault. I kept hoping I will receive some mercy but tonight I basically got an email that I am not going to. I have groveled like a bitch for it, but I am not going to. Now this week I have to attend to do the impossible. Then the week after that I will have to publicly humiliate myself and disappoint my family. After that I have a battery of medical tests to do to figure out what is wrong with me - all we know is its serious. I have a family that loves me and I have friends, but it is like we are not emotionally connected anymore. All they do is give me practical things to do to solve my situation. Tell me it is hard but I can get through it. How I am strong. Nobody seems to care about how I feel. I just told a friend I feel completely defeated and emotional unstable and a she had to say was you can do X, Y and Z then start therapy. When these people are emotional I am on the phone with them, helping them. Listening to them cry. Comforting them. With me it seems to be all business. Is this my punishment for never really being an emotionally open person? Is this also my fault? I have received people's pain over and over, yet because my voice is even over the phone it is all business? Do I have to cry to get affection? I just feel like being done with this. I used to never consider suicide because of the hurt it would because everyone but I do not even feel that way anymore. Way how things are they would just gather up and discuss the logistics for my funeral and belongings. The one time I really need comfort and support, and everybody just goes to bed..I have spent nights hearing them sob, and everyone just goes to bed when I call them on the phone and say I am feeling the worst I have in my life..I swear if another person says how ""strong"" I am, I am going to snap.. ""you are strong!"" ""Why do not you try X!"" ""Pray about it!"" I think this is the end.",Suicidal +20943,Its been about 9 years in therapy and I still want to die. My life is awful. Nothing has gotten better. I do not know what to do anymore. I was clean of self harm for years but I am so desperate I tried and even that did nothing. Smoking does nothing. Drinking does nothing. Nothing does anything anymore. My life is in shambles and literally no one can reasonably give me the support I need. I am so alone and I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know what to do,Suicidal +20944,I have a friend who is deep into universal and different dimensions to reality. I have a feeling he wants to commit suicide by the way he keeps on speaking to escape this reality. What can I say to help him? he is ready to be one but I think He has accepted and surrendered. What can I do to help him in someway. I think he has depression. But hes got friends and family that really care for him Help,Suicidal +20945,"I have been dealing with suicidal ideation on and off since I was a kid. I am 33 now, these thoughts have only become more intense and frequent, my life has become more complicated, and I am tired. I used to use meth and I have not for almost six years now but the cravings have become intense and I am at the point where on the surface my life is stable but my mind is so fucked, I just really want to use. I know that is not going to help my depressive episodes but I feel so isolated I do not know if I care much anymore. I think I give off big ""leave me alone"" vibes because I struggle with social situations but I am desperate for someone to spend time with me and care for me. Crisis lines feel like a tiny bandaid. This subreddit has been really good for me to come to when I feel low but I cannot see myself being able to sustain this shit much longer. Literally the only thing that keeps me going is that I worry no one else will be able to care for my elderly, disabled, and grumpy cat. What the fuck will I do when she dies? I am just exhausted",Suicidal +20946,"I have absolutely no friends and it makes me want to die. People keep saying go to clubs n stuff but that will not happen overnight and right now I am constantly thinking how much of a loser I am and how I should not exist and I do not know how to feel relief. it is hard to make progress when you are constantly hating yourself. All suicide prevention stuff says contact a friend which I do not have and it makes me feel worse, like no one would care if I died. I really need help coping with this pain. How do I cope with the dark thoughts?",Depression +20947,I feel really guilty. I slapped myself in front of Nmy bf while I was having a panic attack. I can tell he is really upset. He says he will be ok but he is wondering how he can trust me to never do it again. I feel like shit.I know I did it to hurt myself and him and it was not ok and it was abusive. I talk to my therapist on Wednesday. I took a half pill of my anti depressant just now. I am so scared I will not be able to get his trust back. TW: self harming......I slapped myself 3x in front of my boyfriend,Depression +20948,"I am extremely ugly and have basically no self confidence. I rarely talk to girls (I am in my early 20s and male) and honestly wish I just had a friend that was a girl or a girlfriend. I just want a hug, I do not even care about anything besides that. I just want to hug a girl",Depression +20949,"I constantly sabotage my happiness I live with a wonderful woman reached out and had an affair with a woman Id known for a short time ], and now I have even sabotaged that relationship depression has caused me to panic and over analyze ever minute detail I cannot relax or enjoy my life I create drama and now I hate myself for all the damage I have done I want off Why do I do this ?",Depression +20950,"I do not think I can go on anymore. it is too repetitive, I am too worn out.Does it really matter in the long run if I kms now or a couple of years down the road? I do not really enjoy living. does not matter what I do, it is just a distraction from the fact that I genuinely do not want to keep living. And it is becoming less and less distracting. Too tired",Depression +20951,"you are reading this, so that means I am dead (which is a good thing). There is not much rhyme or reason for me killing myself other than just not wanting to live. Life just was not cutout for me, I was an imposter that should have been dead Long ago. Honestly, I felt as if I should not be alive, y'know? I just had this feeling inside me that said ""hey, what are you doing? You should be dead right now, do not you know that?"" I was not living life I was just going through the actions of life. I am not sad. I do not feel bad. I feel nothing. You should not be said either, it is not going to make that much of an impact. Just donate my body to science because it would be easier. I would hate for you to go into debt planning a funeral or cremating me. Also it would be pretty cool to be donated to science, other people can survive from my harvested organs, so it is a win-win for everyone. There is also the possibility of the government using my body for explosion tests or something, that would be pretty cool too. Anyway, I love you all very deeply and hope that you understand. This is not meant to hurt you, it is just easier this way. P.s. do not let anyone Photoshop me into those stupid ass clouds or I will haunt you. Also make sure you all have a good picture for my obituary, or I will also haunt you for that. Sincerely, Hey (suicide note stupid rant)",Suicidal +20952,I have cut my wrists a lot throughout my life but they were never deep cuts and I was never really trying to kill myself though I knew there was a chance it would kill me... would that be considered as an attempt or no? What counts as an attempt?,Suicidal +20953,I do not remember a time in my life when I was not hurting because of something or someone Life hurts,Depression +20954,I know lifes not fair. But I have been in therapy my entire life and the whole basis is basically loving ourselves and re raising ourselves. Giving ourselves what we have never got. I hate having to work every second of my life having to give love all day and do all the work of my childhood and beyond. Why was I cursed with this life. Its non stop work and its hell. I hate being here. Why do I have to spend the rest of my days doing the work my caregivers and parents should have But NO I have to waste my youth and adult years journaling every fucking day and exercising every day just to combat this. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of how hard it is to stay afloat I am sooo tired my god Its not fair,Depression +20955,#NAME?,Depression +20956,"I do not no what I am waiting for but for some reason my patience is running low. I use to pray to the universe, god and goddess but now I cannot bring myself to it when I do its like I am not heard. I feel like I do not belong anywhere I am too emotional for people to understand why I am like that. I barely understand myself I have BPD but when I am having these moments of self hatred or overthinking I loose it. I can convince myself into killing myself at that moment. But I told my little sister Ill be here for her and told my love ones Ill always be here but for some reason I cannot seem to have someone by my side because I am worried Ill waste their time or I am too annoying to something. So I rather tell them I am ok then wasting their time with me. I stopped going to therapy because I felt bad. I do not know why I am writing this. If some person read my post I appreciate your time. <3 Having Hope ...",Depression +20957,I want to kill myself but I am scared. Can anyone help talk me through it? Looking for help.,Suicidal +20958,I am having a really hard time right now and am about to lose my health insurance so I am scared to even talk to my current doctor about medication again. I am in my late 20s just finished law school and am unemployed but just feel like such a failure. I am not taking the bar until feb I still have some essays I got extended time on and I cannot even bring myself to look at them or think about a job app. All I ever heard from my professors and classmates even when I struggled to turn in simple things was how smart I was and how they wished They got the material like I did but my grades are absolutely terrible further killing myJob prospects. I honestly do not have any friends and do not know how to make any. My partner just started school far away and I cannot even see them and hes been my only support. I am really struggling here and I know eventually things will be ok and get better but I do not know how or when wnd just feel like such a failure all the time. I cannot live up to anything. I just really needed to vent and feel a little less alone right now. Really struggling right now,Depression +20959,"My every day is a living hell. I can never find the motivation to get out of bed for my own sake, but I love my siblings so I have to force myself to get up, smile, and bear it just for them. All I do is game, watch anime, and browse reddit because it is all I have the mental strength to do. I have not had a true friend in years and my last 3 relationships ended badly, leaving me with mental scars that make my hope for finding a new partner next to none.I am unlikable, period. So many problems, an ugly body and a fucked-up personality. there is no way anyone will ever truly love me, and I am tired of being lied to. I am afraid to trust people because I have been hurt so many times by people I trusted and loved. But even so...I need someone. A boyfriend who would talk to me when I need support, call me just so I could hear his voice when I feel lonely, who would hold me when I cry and so on, but those people only exist in fantasy. they are not real, I have never met one and I do not think I ever will. The only time I ever get to coexist with that kind of person is when I am asleep, dreaming. And even then when I wake up, they are gone, and I have to cling to the memory like water in my cupped hands until it is gone. I have found and lost love so many times because of these dreams that taunt me. I am starting to think it would be best if I just never woke up so I could continue dreaming forerver. I am tired of being tortured like this, guys. Without a partner or friends I do not think it is worth it. Yet I am too afraid to kill myself, I am a coward and I hate myself in every way possible. I doubt I will even get replies. I can only be happy in my dreams",Depression +20960,"I am completely lost at this point. I finished school, got a diploma in hospitality management and realised it was a complete waste and have no interest in that industry anymore. Now I am 20 floating around minimum wage jobs lost af. I just feel like time is running out and am heading nowhere in life. I do not know what career I want to do and am to scared to take the jump. I feel like there are infinite paths infront of me and each lead somewhere but I am to scared I will pick the wrong one like I did with hospo. I tell myself I am trying to take it slow and figure it out so I do not rush into anything bad, But doing nothing makes me feel so empty and voided. Expecicialy that most people around me have some career there working towards. Completely lost in life at 20years old",Depression +20961,"I have struggled through all kinds of shit over the years; but no matter how much i fix everything else in my life, I am utterly broken by the fact that no woman seems to want to date me.It feels incredibly pathetic and stupid to say, but i am good looking and a kind, selfless person. Even in touch with my feminine side a bit, but perhaps that is the problem. Women seem to enjoy me as a friend, but every time i try to get any closer they pull away like I am a creep suddenly. And i usually lose the friendship.You can try your absolute hardest to be the best version of your self, and it will never fucking matter if everyone just does not like you. Why bother trying at all? It sucks how basic my depression is these days",Depression +20962,"I have no motivation for anything. I do not want to do anything but lay in bed and scroll on my phone. I do not eat properly or take care of myself. I have things I should be doing like cooking, cleaning, exercising, etc but laying in bed doing nothing is much more appealing to me. I get its okay to do this every once in awhile but I feel like I am in this rut where its happening everyday. No motivation",Depression +20963,"When I started using reddit, this sub was one of the subs I have spent hours on. I could not see the light. I had no hope. I could not imagine getting past the year. The darkest days will pass. Have faith. It will. It will. It will get better. Its really shit sometimes, as if lifes trying to give you the worst of the worst but please try to see the collateral beauty in it. My life is not perfect right now. In fact, my dearest little brother passed away all of a sudden 3 months ago, just a month after my grandmother died. In fact, work & studies have been increasingly stressful, family relationships tenser than ever, societal unrest & politics, the virus, Oh I still have moments of extreme hopelessness & helplessness, but now I see hope. Now I can actually think about my future. Future exist. I am proud of how far I have come. Wish everyone the best. Sincerely. Hope is there. Its been a tough journey oh how far I have come.",Depression +20964,"Its horrifying that being sad has come to be treated as a mental disorder.Now you have people in horrible circumstances that are being told the reason they feel terrible is because their brains do not work good. And that they need therapy and medication to fix their disorder. Which in reality is just sadness at how awful their lives are.You have parents who make their children have awful lives, and then when the children become sad the parents go to the doctor and get a handy diagnosis and drugs and therapist for the emotional problems that they caused. And they are told ""it is not your fault your child's brain chemistry does not work correctly."" And hundreds of thousands of people make careers profiting off this horrific scam. Telling sad, lonely people that the reason they feel bad is because they have a disease of the brain. My life was ruined by the mental health industry. There should be no treatment of social anxiety or depression as if they are curable diseases like cancer. What an awful world and predatory people. Mental health industry is criminal",Depression +20965,What hurts more? Staying just for more bad shit to happen to you or the last few seconds of your life because once you are gone you do not have to feel anything anymore so is not the pain of dying worth it? I do not think I am scared anymore to kill myself i was scared of it hurting but what is more pain. I want to go by hanging i want to hang myself,Suicidal +20966,"Fiancee broke up with me on July 4th, we were together 7 years and she was secretly cheating with some guy online.I dedicated my whole fucking life to her for almost a decade, we even were in the process of adopting her crackhead sister's son. Raised him for two years, since he was 5 months old, treated him as my own. it is all gone, and it is over. I will never get to see Dante again. Feel like the past week or two is just a long suicide note. Every day is just me fighting putting a belt around my neck and hanging myself. Sick of life",Suicidal +20967,"For the past 4 years I have been in a state of depression that has just gotten worse and worse and worse. I have not told anyone about how I feel yet and try to put on a happy face all the time but its just getting harder and harder. I do not have the courage to ask anyone in my life for help. While I have never been actively suicidal, I have always thought that if for example a car was going to hit me I would not jump out of the way and would not care if it hit and killed me but recently I have been thinking more and more about killing myself. Deep down part of me that still wants to live needs to reach out for help so I finally mustered the courage to come on Reddit and see what I should do. How do I fix myself",Depression +20968,"First, sorry for my bad English, I am Brazilian and I study the language, I would like to learn moreAt these times of the morning I feel very lonely, I have no one to talk to, play with, I have depression and I take medication, I do therapy, I do physical exercises, but it is hard, I am resisting, I wanted to kill myself, I just wanted some people to share my moments , all my activities do not involve anyone, I feel ugly, horrible I feel alone, i have no one",Depression +20969,"I lightly slapped my ex girlfriend in the shower two weeks ago because she made a joke about having sex with someone very close to my heart that passed away. It was a knee jerk reaction Wed explored slapping and other things like that in the bedroom. She is calling me an abuser and that my future looks bleak. I have done so much work to be a better person over the years. I put a gun in my mouth the other night. I am glad I do not have anything stronger than a .22 I do not want to be a vegetable. its odd because In a way I am so peaceful but I feel like if I am such a horrible person then maybe I should not be alive. People were saying she should destroy my life. I want to feel good again. I actually am feeling good again. But there is something that says maybe it would be better to end it. I am getting help I want to meet someone I love. I really want to love myself. I feel so close but I am neck and neck with ending it all. This is not the first time I have been here. I never thought Id be here again. But. I hurt her. I feel like I never even really knew her and I lost myself in her. I was already having some of these feelings come up when I was with her. She says I am manipulative and controlling. I know I am not perfect, but I never tried to control her life. I am not sure why I am even posting this here. I lightly slapped my ex girlfriend and now I think I should not be here",Suicidal +20970,"Memories, dreams and love. These three I could live without. Without memories I would not know the times I was happy, felt good or almost normal.Depression would be easier not knowing what had been.Without dreams I would not think about plans, goals, the future.Depression would be easier not knowing things that will not be.Without love I would not have known it missed, lost or not returned.Depression would be easier not knowing emptiness. The three things that would make existing with depression easier",Depression +20971,"why cannot i just do it already? boring teenage girl without personality or talent, one friend who hates me, living as a surrogate housewife for my abusive alcoholic dad. raped at eight, plagued with addictions, three out of ten on looks, working as a janitor making near minimum wage. all i have is my mind. same mind that is ruined everything gives me the reason to stay. these fantasies. delusions. i just do not want to be real, and imagining or pretending I am in a different world, with someone who loves me, all pretty. i sound crazy. and it comes crashing down when i remember who i am. I am tortured. got to go back to slashing my wrists, not taking my meds. atleast if i die they will think it was an accident. like the cops said. I am just a drunken teenage girl looking for attention. they will think i took my attention seeking a little too far. and i will not be to blame this time. rambling",Suicidal +20972,"It feels like I am being punished for having issues that I do not know how to deal with. What more can I do? I already hit rock fucking bottom and somehow things get even worse. And I never realized how much no one gave a fuck about me, but it is all very obvious now. My family is living happy since they do not have to worry about because I am such a burden and all I do is get in the way of them trying to live their life, even though I am so unproblematic that I choose to suffer in silence so I do not bother anybody. I hate that I am probably going to end up doing something that I will regret but I have been wronged too many times. I hate my family so much and I just need some kind of retribution. I want them to feel as hopeless and helpless as I feel right now. I hate it here.",Depression +20973,sorry if you where never liked by anyone am i the only person who cannot get over the only person that liked them?,Suicidal +20974,"Disclaimer, I am not encouraging anyone to commit suicide but proposing a hypothetical scenario rather than the typical post here as a precaution so as not to incriminate anyone. If it reads as anything else I will gladly change the wording. let us say hypothetically someone is a pedophile, and though they have never actually hurt a real kid, they have done things that are borderline or actually illegal (you can fill in the blanks). They tell themselves that they would never actually hurt someone but then again people who have hurt kids probably thought that once too. let us say to make it even more complicated they live with a child, who again they would never hurt but pedophiles should not live with children anyway, right? On top of that they are also in absolutely no position to move anywhere else. let us also say that they have a slew of other mental illnesses that make living a normal, fulfilling life very hard if not impossible on top of the pedophilia. Furthermore, the urges keep getting stronger and harder to resist, and therapy and meds are doing nothing for it. For the sake of the children who might potentially be hurt down the line when the affliction gets worse, is not suicide actually a moral decision for this person? does not this person have the obligation to end their life before they destroy others'? is not it best for society? I am hoping that there are other alternatives and that this is not the only option, but it is the only one I see. Someone please convince me otherwise",Suicidal +20975,I am scared il hurt a person I am scared someone will kill themselves because of me,Suicidal +20976,Need ideas to travel too before I end it.I might aswell use this maintenance loan on somthing good then waste another year at dorms. I feel be much better to end on a nice holiday. cannot be asked with university and do not really care to be here on earth anymore. Best destinations to travel too?,Suicidal +20977,"I do not want to keep living but I am scared to take my life. I hear it gets better and I hope it does, but I fear it will not. I just want it all to end for a brief moment at the very least. I do not have the guts",Suicidal +20978,"I have none left, absolutely none left. I have been struggling with depression and other mental illnesses for so long and I have no one to talk to. So please, just give me one more reason to live. Please, just give me a reason to live",Depression +20979,"I know some people that want to live and turn their life around because they want to. But I just do not, I do not want to do anything that might help me, I do not WANT to take care of myself, eat right, or go to therapy. How do I get to the step of even wanting to wanting to actually want to take care of myself? I am so over this bull, this probably does not make sense but it makes sense in my head. How do I make myself want to live?",Depression +20980,"I am afraid of ending my life, but I do not know what to do anymore. I feel empty, non existent, lonely, worthless, useless. I feel like I am a burden to all of the people around me, I am always thinking they would be better if i was not around.My family has always made me feel like my problems are not such a big deal, that my problems do not matter. A part of me wants to seek for help, the other part tells me that I am not worth it, it tells me that a rotten, good for nothing person like me does not deserve to be helped, what I deserve is to suffer as much as I can while I am still alive.During all these years the only thing that has kept me wanting to continue living is my cat. I feel like if it were not for him I would have given up a long time ago. I wish there was a stop button I could just press and be finally free of all these negative emotions I have been feeling for years.",Depression +20981,"I have been struggling with this illness for a very long time, along with suicidal thoughts as well. I am planning on trying to end my life soon again(I have attempted before but survived) I am just very, very tired. I do not know if depression is tricking me but I truly do believe that I am not supposed to be alive. I always see things about life getting better and what not all over social media and what not. I just want to read some of your success stories please - Like what kind of hell you went through and how things are better now. Maybe it will give me some hope (and to others) to read real peoples stories?? Success stories?",Depression +20982,"Been on Lexapro 10mg for about 6 months.Have been tapering off for 2 months now. I have had minimal effects so far, brain zaps, irritable but nothing major like when I missed a few doses a few months back.I was taking 2.5 mg for 2 weeks and decided to stop cold turkey from there and I have been off for one week. I started getting brain zaps but now I feel like I am being shocked from my head down to my toes when I turn my head for the past few days. Like I have a tens machine hooked up to my whole body. it is unpleasant. I do not want to move but I had to go to the store and I was crying by the time I got back to my car. Is this a side effect anyone else has experienced? Lexapro withdrawal symptom or something else?",Depression +20983,I am all alone and it hurts. I am doing this because it is best for everyone else. It will end their stress. I never wanted to because pain. Took 2000mg of Vistaril and some OTC medicines,Suicidal +20984,"Please do not judge me for what you are about to read in this post.I am in a relationship, and am about to see my boyfriend (whom I love) for the first time in 1.5 years, but I keep talking to other people on dating apps. I do not agree to meet anyone. Mostly exchanging banter and small talk. Some light flirting.Why do I do it? I do not know. I am not the cheating type. In fact, I got cheated on by an ex-boyfriend, someone I almost married. Multiple times. It pretty much destroyed my ability to trust anyone (until I met my current - and look how I am ruining it now, just before our long-awaited reunion).For the past month or so I have avoided all my friends, except for my best friend - agreed to see her only once. I have only gone out on walks alone, gone to bookshops and coffee shops alone. it is normally what I love, but now I find myself questioning why I do it, why I feel the need to always be alone. Today the answer came to me, all of a sudden. Because when you are alone, no one can ever hurt you. I do not know who hurt me, anyway. But I am starting to realise that I have committed to being alone because - well, I AM alone. I have always been alone.I turn 28 this year, the year that my parents had their first kid. I cannot picture a future that has anyone by my side. there is just nothing there. Every love I have ever had - gone, broke my heart, moved on. Love is so fleeting. what is left but the broken pieces desperately trying to become one again? What can I do to heal but to accept that I can count on no one but myself, in the end?My boyfriend is sweet, and loving, and kind - but I cannot give him a happy and free life, because -I- am not free. he is also so much younger and has so much else to see. he is not going to want me once he grows up a little more. I can only love him in the meantime.I honestly do not know what I am saying. Feels like rambling TBH. All I know is that I cannot think of a single person who is always been -my person-. And that were it not for the fact that I have an 8 year old niece, I might not bother trying to keep living anymore. there is all this emptiness inside that I cannot make any sense of. I am living half of myself - I can never marry a woman - and only now am I realising just how much it is destroying me. Extremely alone and cut off from the world. And the stupidest part is that I actively choose to stay away from people",Depression +20985,"there is only one person that makes me feel like I am real, so I am holding onto him.but i cannot imagine a day past september and I am not sure i can survive the fall.I am scared for when this summer ends, and I am scared of letting go. i do not want to die, but i feel like there is no choice. . i have not felt alive in months",Suicidal +20986,"I am going to kill myself tonight. its pointless to stay alive. my mom treats it as a joke when i say i want to kill myself because i have not done it yet. no matter what i say she does not change. i have autism and i genuinely do not think I am capable on living on my own when i turn 18 or having a job. i feel like she just gave up on me. i do not know why I am treated like this. i just want to get out. what is the point in not killing myself if I am just going to have to suffer? I am exhausted. I am 15 and i cannot even enjoy being a kid. I have told some of my family about how things are at my house and they roll their eyes at me. no one take mental abuse seriously. i asked my mom for even a single reason for me not to kill myself and she could not even spit anything out. not even a ""because i love you."" she could not even force herself to say something. I am so hopeless at this point. nobody listens to me. no one will even notice when I am dead. they will all just think that I am being lazy and sleeping for a long time. i do not know why its so hard for people to care about me. i do not know why I am still here. its not worth suffering anymore. no one cares about me",Suicidal +20987,Ever since I have had my diagnosis my goals that I want to obtain and the questions I ask myself tend to get weirder? I cannot explain in what way but its in a way no one can understand. But one of my goals in life is if my life story is brought up and I hope it does not because I do not want to be remembered at all. But if it were to be brought up I would want to be the one person where they are disregarded in their own story. To be honest I could care less about myself to the point where when my story is brought up I am not even the main character I am just the person you throw away immediately. It sounds weird talking about it because one thing is thinking about it and another is typing it out or even talking about it. Maybe its weird thing to think about or something that can not be understood or both. Just a thought. Weird goals and questions,Depression +20988,"This whole year in the pandemic was terrifying, I have seen people die around me, even a family member, I am an introvert it is very hard to socialise with people, when everybody just cares for themselves and I felt pressured to do something with my life l, I am from India and and my parents expected a lot from me and even I was hopeful that I would achieve everything they want me to until this year now I just feel incompetent for everything I cannot score good marks, I do not have the physique i imagined I would work for and I do not even look like I belong outside (feel ugly coz I had to donate my hair with the death of my uncle now it is just wierd to look at myself in the mirror) all of that was just in my head the feeling of worthlessness and just being a disappointment for everyone and myself and then one day my father calls me and says that I am not ""trying hard enough for my future"" but I do not even see myself living another day here, he also said that I am not worth the money he is spending on my college education. When that feeling of worthlessness sunk in this year it was all in head and now I heard it from my father that I am infact, worthless. I am at a point where I do not want to kill myself (because I am not a coward and I do not want to my parents through that pain) but also would not mind if I died in some road rage accident today. The wierd thing is I was one of those competitive kids I was the one with the good scores and now I am just struggling to even understand, feel like I do not belong with the kids I used to study with. My dad is the not a bad person, he wants what is good for me but he also doens't believe in mental health issues and I have already made the mistake of opening up to someone about this and hoping they would understand instead it just made me not wanting to live another day. Worthless",Depression +20989,"I have known for a while that what I really want is to be dead. Unfortunately, I have been forced to stop considering this as an option due to certain reasons. Living in this world knowing all I want is to be dead makes everything pointless. I am forced to keep this body alive. I do a little more than what is necessary to survive.I mean, how can anyone genuinely look at the future and see anything worthwhile? What do you people fucking see? What in the hell do you get out of bed for? And the worst part of all this is that no matter how many times I try to think a way of this, I end up getting nowhere. Because there is nowhere to go. There is no such thing as a life worth living. The tomorrow I am working towards will never come.This cycle never ends. I will continue to come to the realization that I do not belong here and then right after come to the realization that there is nothing I can do about it. I will continue to be frustrated by the futility of my efforts. I will continue to try out of an obligation. And I will continue to get absolutely fucking no where.&#x200B;&#x200B;Cheers to working towards a tomorrow that will never come!!! It hurts to know I might have to go through 60 more years of this",Depression +20990,"it is the hope that kills you. Time to go back to being depressed and pessimistic whilst the whole world celebrates and laughs at our misery coz of a few assholes. Dumbass bandwagonning from cunts on social media does not help. It would have been perfect too. Final at Wembley, (almost) fully packed stadium cheering on the lads. 55 years of hurt. World Cup next year. Telling myself France losing the Euros in 2016 then winning the World Cup is a good sign. But i told myself playing at Wembley this year was a good sign. England not helping",Depression +20991,Nothing feels real and I do not even know where to start. \#criesineverlastingdepression... hey guys....,Depression +20992,"I am not so sure that I want to live to be 70-80 years old, especially since both my grandmothers had horrible alzheimers disease. I am suffering way too much. I go to bed every night reliving the same horrible nightmares about drowning and being chased by serial killers. I have been mentally and sexually abused throughout my whole life and am still being abused. And I am not sure if there is still a reason for me to keep moving forward. I try to look for plenty of reasons to live, but all the damage that has been inflicted onto me since I was a child is irreversible. I am broken beyond repair. And I am sure I am going to continue getting worse with each year that goes by. My health is failing. I am drowning inside my mind. But then I think to myself, why would it matter if I died anyways since most people do not even know that I exist? I will go back to being nothing again anyways. Life is probably just an illusion. Sometimes I want to die, but I am too afraid to know what death will feel like",Suicidal +20993,"Human existence was a mistake. If there is a god, he deserves to be fired. Extintion is the only way to find true peace. Nobody understands the pain of the other. We are alone. Everything is useless. Life makes no sense.Chosing between life and death is stupid; both option are useless. There is not always a light at the end of the tunnel",Suicidal +20994,"I do not know how to do anything,work with tools,write checks,I mean I just cannot do anything right I do not even know how to write in cursive after multiple attempts.I do good in school,at a private school so we do Stanford testing and I was above average in almost every subject and the ones I was not I was average but that is all,I am book smart and good at memorizing,I have no common sense but an iq of 120-130 on an adult test when I am 12.I am practically just wasting my parents money at this point and I think it would really help them since my dad does not have a job atm and my mom has to support 5 people herself if I was just gone.Yeah the worlds bad but I am fine with that since there is still those rare occurrences where something good might happen,so I do not want to leave for my own good,but for others. My future holds me being useless",Suicidal +20995,"i feel like I am only going through the motions. i only hold on for the 2 year old that cries for me consistently. i do not want to die, but i cannot imagine growing old. I am not living anymore",Suicidal +20996,"I finally decided to move out and go low contact/ no contact with my narcissistic mother. However, that means I will not be able to see my previous boys as often anymore. I am heartbroken over it. My sweet puppies, I spent everyday with them now I do not even know when the next time Ill see them is. Not only that, the words that my mom said to me and how she treated me like I am not her daughter and just some random person really hurt me. My mom was very important to me and it hurts to have to do this so I can be better. I have the rest of my family but I do not want to bother them more than I have. I feel even worse now and even more lonely because I do not even have my own mother to turn to or my sweet dogs to cuddle with anymore. I know with how she is she is going to make me the enemy and say that I am the insane one because I admitted to her that I have attempted 3 times. I have forgiven her for so long. I do not think I am even capable of letting her come back into my life ever again unless she really straightens up. My ma",Depression +20997,"it is been 1.5 years, i have not seen her physically in 7 months and i have not talked to her in over a year. But i had a dream yesterday she forgave me for what i did to her. Even now as i look for other women to date it all goes back to Iyanna. Beautiful funny and interesting Iyanna who i hurt so bad her unbreakable love was cracked in two. Idk how to go on these days. I hate myself, i hate my body, i cannot approach women nor can i even date them. I can barely keep the friends i have and i do not think i have many left. My life just feels empty, my work helps distract me but when I am not at work it hits me like a ton of bricks. i used to have friends to turn to when i felt like killing myself but i do not anymore. I am desperately hoping i can find a girl to keep me alive. That sounds unhealthy and it is but i do not think ill be able to live for myself much longer. I just want someone who likes me, who cares about me, who when i get off work will be there in my texts asking how my day was. A girl to wrap my arms around and hold softly, a girl to just hangout with and admire her. But I am anxious, and I am fat, and a little retarded. And its a women's game in terms of dating, i have to make the first move bc they will not and i cannot make the first move bc I am deathly afraid of them. So there in lies rhe problem. I am a good man with a steady paying job for a 18 year old and i have goals and dream, I am funny and interesting and nice and strong but none of that matters bc ill never get to the point where women see those qualities. All they see is a fat fucking retard. cannot stop thinking of her",Suicidal +20998,I have the want to die but I am too afraid of jumping or anything that might leave me still living.. I wish assisted suicide was a choice for everyone.. This life is hard. Everything costs money and no one gives a fuck about you. I am tired of dealing with my problems and nothing getting better. I want to stop being scared an just do it. Too afraid to commit,Suicidal +20999,"Why should I try anymore? Everyone hates me, I get left by everyone that I thought cared for me but in the end I am left alone with the thought of ending it but evertime I try I cannot pull myself to it. what is the point of staying anymore? Why should I try?",Suicidal +21000,Is that shit going to stay near me all my life or does it actually get better? Is it a part of me now that I had a bad episode once? Because sometimes I feel like I am recovered 100%. But then boom. Depression. Depression,Depression +21001,"I have struggled with depression for long time, but lately I have been feeling the hate crawling under my skin for everyone around me especially my mom! Out of nowhere I started to remember the way that she used to comment on my body and how she used to compare me to other girls in my age, the way that she started the eating disorder traits that I have now and I cannot help but to think she wants to keep me as a prisoner. I live in a very conservative society so whatever I do to help myself facing those who try to control my life (my mother included) Ill be the selfish one even though I am grown ass woman!Then I start thinking..she is not that bad she can be annoying, coward and she has a victim complex , but overall she is not the devil!I wonder if my depression is getting worse playing games on me making me hate everyone give them the cold shoulder I truly no longer know if these feelings are true or its just my brain fucking me up irrational hatred",Depression +21002,"Belief is single handedly the most important thing you can have in this life. Do you remember how as a kid everything felt so much more hopeful and magical so much more exciting. We often times even get nostalgic about these forgotten feelings and we are left with nothing more than a tinge of sadness after. Then you grow up and realize what a cruel and dark place the world can be, that it is not the magical place you thought it was as a kid. That- no we cannot blow a dandelion and wish to fly, that marrying a prince and becoming a princess is not the top thing on our priority list anymore, or that happily ever afters are a nonexistent reality. We realize these things and so we stop believing. We stop believing in most dreams from big ones to small ones and they are replaced instead with anxiety, fear, rejection, low self esteem, and/or depression limiting ourselves from reaching our full potential. We think our dreams are stupid now. That they are a waste of time and non realistic. But would you ever look at your four year old niece who thinks that one day she will build a blue house on a cloud and think wow this kids pretty stupid, obviously clouds are just a collection of liquid droplets which would never be able to hold the weight of a house and even if it was able to, how would you even get up to a cl no. We think this type of imagination is precious and pure, or at least I do. we used to ask why cannot I become____? But the question now becomes what is the point?. We think we are more wiser now, more logistical there is no time for childish dreaming anymore when there is work to be done to earn a living to eat sleep repeat and die. I realized one day however that the world has always been the same broken sad world that it was even when we were kids. Why is it different now? The only thing that changed is us. We stopped believing one day. Believing like a little kid again",Depression +21003,"Sounds kind off silly but whenever i do something for example spreading butter on my bread, i would black out and all i see is me stabbing myself with the butter knive and i would just froze for a second. it is like i really did it but I did not.I got an offer to this business academy and I will have to be independent there and I am scared and worried that i would not be able to adjust myself with new people and environment after well, 2 years of not meeting new people and having conversations.Its literally next month and I am scared if hate it too much I will get even worse suicidal thoughts and maybe even going with it since I will be away from my parents and everyone i know. Scared I will accidentally kill myself",Suicidal +21004,"They do not take it seriously even if I was bullied. They all say its my fault. They laugh at me, I also got banned from the YouTube subreddit. They do not get how much it hurts when others make fun and laugh at me, how it affects me, how my whole week just gets ruined because of it! I want to kill myself, everyone is just laughing at me!",Suicidal +21005,"M 17. I hate myself. The first thought that comes to my mind when I wake up in the morning is ""I want to die"" or something similar. School is going back this month here and I am already expecting my suicidal thoughts to be stronger than they already are, as they always have been. I usually do not get bullied but I always get ignored. If I stopped going for weeks, no one would notice or care. I have never had close friends, except for one - and this one betrayed and left me a few years ago. I just wish I could be happy or be dead. I would much rather be happy, but that seems to be a reality far away from me. I do not expect help from strangers on the internet (I do not mean to be rude), I just wanted a place to express myself. I am really just waiting for me to turn 18 so I can dig myself into alcohol to try to be a little happy, at least for a short time. Suicidal thoughts, loser life",Suicidal +21006,"Tw: r*pe..Hello guys, I know it is weird to post this here but I do not really know anywhere else to vent my frustration.I am an almost 22 year old female, but 5 years ago I was in a very, very toxic, dangerous, and abusive relationship with a 18 year old that, shortly after we finally broke up, r**ed a 12 year old boy. He sent me pictures of them together and all that type of fucked up shit. It was very traumatic and to this day it haunts me.I finally spoke up about the situations I went through and de r*p*e of the kid about 2 years ago, mainly out of fear. I got a lot of backlash for not speaking up earlier, I got called many ugly things, but the thing that hit me the worst was that this guy had a female best friend that we will call C.C called me a liar and defended my abuser in any way she could, denying he would ever do such horrible things despite having screenshots of how abusive he was to me and literally pictures of him with the kid he abused. She also called herself a feminist and her standing against me put lots of other women against me, so I ended up deleting every post where I talked about what happened and even deleted my old Facebook and Instagram accounts for that reason. Police where involved in this too but I dropped the charges, I just did not want to know anything about this anymore. Now, this was 2 years ago, but today I was scrolling down Instagram and stumbled across C's art account, and while I was looking at her drawings I saw she had made Sally face fanart and talked about how much she loved the game and Sal (the main character of the game).I really do not like gatekeeping and I understand she has the right to like whatever she wants just like I do, and the more people know and play Sally Face, the better, as it is an indie game and I want the creator to receive as much support as possible.But this really hit me like a bucket of cold water. I know I should not have gone through her account but I was not expecting to see this at all. Now I cannot stop myself of thinking of both C and my abuser whenever I see something related to the game. I know it is stupid but I feel like one of my favorite things was taken off me or at least stained by all those memories and I feel awful. It is ruined. My depression has been acting up the last few days (I think it has to do with the cold and cloudy weather, as it is winter where I live and I always seem to have a harder time during cold seasons) and this just made me feel even worse, I feel like I cannot escape them or the memories. I have been in bed all day crying. it is pathetic. I am an adult crying over someone else liking my favorite game. I found out my abuser's best friend is a fan of my favorite indie game and I have been crying all day",Depression +21007,"Factors I should probably mention: \- I am a 16-year old girl (so I am probably just being overdramatic)\- I moved to a different country when I was 12 so that did not help my mental health lol \- I live in an abusive household &#x200B;How I have felt since i can remember: \- empty (when I was in kindy/primary school I used to tell my mum that I felt as if something was missing but with no idea of what it was)\- lonely and out of place \- I am wayyy too emotional\- I need a person to be codependent on &#x200B;How I have felt since I was 12: \- I wish I did not exist\- Very extreme mood swings (from depressed to euphoric, from angry/bowling my eyes out to laughing)\- Very very rarely, I hear sounds/voices and see bugs crawling on walls and my skin that are not there (I do not even think I should mention it because it is happened a handful of times and I am aware that it is not real after a couple of seconds)\--> to give clarification, I do not fully see bugs or hear words; I see them for a few seconds through a veil/not directly where I am looking at. \- Insomnia (lucky me)\- I will go from fantasizing about kms for weeks or months to feeling pure euphoria... kind of like there is too much energy inside my body (ngl it is a pretty good high hahahah)\- So much guilt \- I honestly hate myself (look at me typing this long-ass post just to feel special smh)\- I am just so pathetic tbh \- When I feel that euphoria/energy, I feel invincible and I become even more impulsive than usual (popping a tab on a school night, cutting my hair, getting stick and pokes, piercing myself, changing my entire bedroom, spending too much money, deciding that I want to become a professional \*the amount of hobbies/projects I have started but never finished is the length on the Odyssey hahah\*, deciding I want to go to the beach and swim in the ocean fully clothed etc.)\- panic attacks (the worst one I had lasted over two hours, I kept going in and out of consciousness bc of the hyperventilation and had to call an ambulance)\- I feel like a sack of shit but at the same time I am so different and distant to everyone and feel ""special"" or ""gifted"" to an extent (I sound like such a narcissist sorry)&#x200B;What I think is wrong with me? Nothing; I probably just have depression that is purely situational due to my family, but please please I need to hear what other people think about this. Life is pointless and the more I grow up, the more it feels like a simulation/test of some sort? It honestly makes no sense; it is just emptiness and loneliness. Thanks everyone for your time! <3 What the fuck is wrong with me? Pls someone help me figure it out",Depression +21008,I got myself out of my depressive state back in January and this summer I managed to make some friends but its all going back to shit and I cannot stop it and I cannot be back in that state of mind that I used to be anymore I cannot do it again Id rather die please just kill me i tried so hard and none of it mattered My life was on such a positive direction and its all going to shit,Suicidal +21009,"I am 15 my lifes been crazy and not in a good way. I do not think anyone will miss me. I am a pain to everyone and I think it would be best if I go. I would be doing a favor. I do not know anymore, I try to cut but I am to much of a pussy.the cuts on my arm are just me stabbing myself with pencil like I am such a pussy. I just want to die. I cannot do it anymore...",Suicidal +21010,I cannot help but think of suicide a lot. Like my kind of just goes there you know. I am 15 and i have a lot of issues well not necessarily issues but I am not the person I want to be and I sometimes feel like Ill never be. I always feel an emptiness inside and am often alone as my mom works a lot. she is very against medication but sometimes I feel like they could help and I do not want to put her through the stress of therapy. I am always telling everyone I am okay but I am just not and I am hurting a lot inside and sometimes I just cannot help but think what if I just did it right now. I am far too coward to do it but I feel like maybe one day I will not be. I am also very much god fearing and do not want to end up in hell so that is another reason. I feel like Ill reach my breaking point soon tho. Idk.,Suicidal +21011,have you been treated for avolition? what medications were you prescribed for it? Avolition,Depression +21012,what is the point of continuously trying like this when I get fucked every single fucking time. Nothing good happens. Even when it does I do not feel fucking anything. Nobody gives a fuck about me. Not even here. I just get used and used every single time. Nobody is ever here for me. Idk why I even post. God I just want to die in a car crash or something. I could not get my medication refilled because the guy would not let me refill till it was completely empty. I still do not get it but I fucked up. The place is closed on Saturday and Sunday so I have been without meds for two days. Now I am just all pissed but who cares. Even when I am on the meds I still feel like shit. Life is terrible. I have never been loved. Worthless No one gives a fuck about me,Suicidal +21013,I tied the rope and am just watching it dangle. I placed the noose around my neck momentarily. it is scary but I know it would only be a couple seconds and then I would pass out. Working up the nerve to hang myself,Suicidal +21014,If you call one do they send the police to check on you Suicide hotlines,Suicidal +21015,"I have thought about killing myself to escape. I would say 4/5 people in the world do not have a good life. I feel like if I kill myself I will just end up right back in a cycle of suffering. Whether it be another world, dimension, universe, reality, etc, I feel like ""I"" will take on another form of existence as who knows what and where. I do not believe in God, but I feel like ""something"" with a higher power will send me to a lower part of reality or the same reality as this one for destroying ""my"" current consciousness. Buddhism says I will reincarnate into a piece of bacteria or something, abrahamic religion says I will suffer for an eternity with fire, anger, anxiety, and shame. Atheism sounds like the best one because you just do not exists anymore, like a dreamless sleep forever, but that sounds too good to be true, I cannot see how something can just disappear to nowhere. Really I cannot see myself dying of old age because for one, I smoke, and for two, I feel like everything will go to shit, climate change is exponentially increasing, the rich are getting richer and poor getting poorer, and WW3 is probably going to start in a decade or two. I would wish the scientist would hurry up and fuck up on making the AI or mini black hole. I feel like there is no escape.",Suicidal +21016,"I am looking for an emotional representation of depression/anxiety and what they feel like. A short film, an essay, something less clinical and more gut-punch accurate as to how it FEELS day to day. Anyone seen or read an art piece or anything that they have been able to use to help someone close to them understand? what is something I can show my partner?",Depression +21017,if my ex girlfriend kills herself there is no point in me living either. i cannot stop thinking about drowning myself in pool and i know i could figure out how to do it sure it would be painful but in the end you are dead anyway so why does it matter i just want to drown myself,Suicidal +21018,"I called them every name in the book. I was so triggered. Basically, this person said something to me over text and it seemed to me like they were being bossy and pushy. Basically they were telling me to ""hurry up"" and used verbiage like ""just tell me yes or no"" as I was explaining myself to them. That makes me upset. I am extremely sensitive and avoid most people because they hurt me easily. People feel like they can say anything to me so when that happens, I become instantly triggered and go off. When I was a kid, my mother and bullies used to always fuck with me and I had no one to defend me and was too scared to defend myself, so now if I feel someone is being rude and disrespectful to me, I feel like I have to speak up and sometimes that is done in anger and when I am enraged. I wonder if this has anything to do with my depression. I am a sweet girl but when I think people are being rude and disrespectful towards me, I get very angry and go from 0 to 100. I may send long texts and insult them, cuss them out, try to make them feel as low as possible, etc. The latest example of this is with someone who I did business with and bought something from. Basically something in the order was not done properly and then when I brought this to her attention, she got defensive and would not own up to it. That made me furious so I sent her a long text about how unprofessional and fucked up she was. I called her so many names. I do not regret it though as I needed to get it off my chest but this is a way that I have ruined relationships before by lashing out at them when things go wrong. I Am Enraged. I Cussed Out Someone Today For A Perceived Slight",Depression +21019,I do not think Ill be around much longer but If my family and friends ever see this I love you everyone that is ever been there for me even if you never fully understood the pain that drove me to this I love all of you. This is the end,Suicidal +21020,i do not even give a shit about it anymore I am getting a part time job and the rest is disability. I have never received any sort of help for my adhd and Asperger i have not learned a fucking thing over the last 3 years. i have to watch normal as normal fucking people my age hang out and date and i have to fucking take it for the next 3 years. I am tiered of my fucking bitchy teachers who I have us 60 pages of math for Christmas and think its funny and then are shocked when we hate them. I am tiered of girl acting like I am some creep who is going to rape them even though I am litterly just walking past them or glance at them. listen i know I am ugly an subhuman but i have feeling bitch. I am tiered of teachers teaching us outdated info or just not fucking knowing what they are talking about. I am tiered of hearing them talk about pur futures like i fucking have one lol i hate school,Suicidal +21021,"it is the most familiar emotional territory I know. Like being home. Do you guys also ""fetishize"" your depression? it is an objectively horrible feeling but there is a strange comfort in it at the same time. Hard to explain.",Depression +21022,"a few months ago i told my dad take me to the shelter to get a cat. i adopted 2 cats and at the time i had severe health anxiety and i was really paranoid about getting sick it was horrible. i did not know it would even affect me getting a cat but it did. when i got the cats i was petrified that they had some kind of disease and i regretted it so fuckijg much. one of the cats was really affectionate towards me it kept trying to show me affection by cuddling with me but i was so fucking anxious that i would get sick,3 days later i could not bear the anxiety and i forced my dad to return them. after i started crying so hard because the cat was just trying to show its affection towards me and its been 3 months later and i still cannot get over it and in fact I am still crying about it every night. FUCK ANXIETY AND I fucking hate myself . this might sound pathetic but that cat showing me affection really means so much to me since i hate affection and i never show it to anyone irl. i just want that cat back I am sure they are adopted by now. i hate myself. i got another cat because my anxiety is way less now but she does not show me affection at all and if anything she hates me. ik this might something stupid to be sad over but i just hate myself I FUCKING HATE MYSSELF.",Depression +21023,"I am dumb, stupid, cannot learn, ugly, unattractice, born with a rare disability, fired from All my jobs, people always expect things from me that i cannot deliver, or always deliver late, No friends and with No girlfriend (I am 32).I am ready to just take my life. This world does not need me, its better that I am not here, then my pain and people frustration over me would go. When my holiday is over, hopefully I am not here anymore... I always fail in everything. I am ready to go away",Suicidal +21024,"I do not want to be here anymore.I do not have any plans to kill myself but I wish I was not around anymore. I feel like a failure. I have done so many stupid things and been so mean due to my alcoholism.My mom calls me every day, visits me, rubs my back, takes me out to eat. I feel like do not deserve to have her as my mom.I sometimes just wish something would happen to me. I know my family would miss me but I feel like they would be better off without me causing them stress.I feel like I have nothing going for me. Posted the other day but no one responded",Depression +21025,"I live with my strict parents and work from home. Last week, my parents went outside to do some business in the afternoon and I was home alone. Usually in the afternoon, I feel lethargic, sleepy and just depressed, and I end up dozing off all day. But as soon as my parents left the house, I was wide awake. I was doing the things that I needed/wanted to do without being distracted, and I was not feeling lethargic at all. Then when my parents came home, my mind just crashed and I fell asleep. Wish I were independent. Last week I found out the source of my depression.",Depression +21026,it did not work. my body stopped me. since i do not have the guts to actually kill myself yet i just tried to strangle myself. it felt like my head was going to explode. i feel so fucking nauseous and my head hurts a lot now. i tried to strangle myself,Suicidal +21027,"I cannot see my life without my dog, she is my angel and light. I do not have friends so much in the usual sense, I have been burned by love in ways I cannot explain, its been a miserable spring.. I am empty, and I simply do not know if she is going to make it, or what I am going to do without her. She had an accident, so there was no preparing to lose her like this. How am I supposed to live without her?",Depression +21028,"I have never wanted to admit this but someone sharing their experiences opened this inside of me...I think I am more unwell than even I know.I think I enjoy giving others pain. that scares me. I know I enjoy it but I also have empathy and sympathy of course, but I still enjoy it.many times people ask me simple questions, like would I harm someone (mostly for jokes or hypotheticals) and of course I say no. but... I feel like it is a lie.I want... to hurt. I am in so much pain maybe that is why I am like this. maybe this is what murderous monsters feel.I still feel empathy and love and I do not want to hurt others, but part of me... just wants to externalize my pain. God I am such a fucking monster I want to kill myself.Jesus christ... I terrify myself.I have never brought harm on anyone, at least on purpose, but sometimes I worry about what I am capable of, a few times a week. Jesus... i... want to kill myself having admitted this. I know that will make the world better.my confession: I like inflicting pain on the innocentmaybe I am wrong and I hope I am. Jesus christ I want to cry. I know what a good person is, but I would be lying to myself if I said I did not have urges sometimes....what the fuck... I am afraid of myself",Depression +21029,"but things are really beginning to fall apart. My job, my family, my accumulation of useless shit from over the years I cannot enjoy a thing anymore. My therapist sucks and my psychiatrist sucks. I really cannot do this anymore...I know I have said this before....",Depression +21030,"i lost my best friend 3 days ago, who was also my reason to live. I have been avoiding my loneliness but I am slowly crumbling. he was the only person i talked to so now i have no one and nothing. i need someone to talk to, someone to act like they care even if they may not. they can talk about anything. i have no support in my life and i need distractions so i can make it to my next therapy appointment or until i find a psych ward to go to. i just want to feel like i have support even though i do not. i want to feel like someone cares about me again. my life is pathetic. i have nothing left",Suicidal +21031,Skip to the end. I do not give a fuck anymore about anything. Fuck it. I am just going to kill myself.,Suicidal +21032,I used to have good self confidence but I have just started hating myself more and more as the days go by... I hope it does not turn into anything worse. Hate,Suicidal +21033,When the pandemic hit I was hitting the bottle a little too hard like finishing a bottle tequila every other day. I sought help from the therapists we have at work. We get 6 sessions and for whatever reason this therapist saw how broken I was and continued therapy for a whole year without mentioning our limit has long been passed. He finally did this past week. I knew it was coming and bless his heart for going above and beyond. I am completely sober but just as depressed. I cannot fathom opening up all over again. I am sinking and this time I am not even trying to save myself. My hygiene has been horrid I am glad we have lotion and perfumes to hide the worst of it. To make matters worse my so called friends decided to go out without inviting me but had the nerve to send me tons of photos of how much fun they were having. I blocked them all. Its exhausting even contemplating therapy from scratch. Its scary not having a lifeline yet its so difficult reaching out for help. Thanks for reading. Finding a therapist,Depression +21034,"This year has been many things, each month having its moments. With this month, being the moment of change. I have lost job after job, I wasted my money on my addiction from bottle to bottle. I lost my relationship I said I cherished so much. I misused my finances and the help offered. I let everything go including my health. I decided I wanted better and to be who I have needed to be all this time. I have a job now, I found God and go to church, I take care of my health and go out of my ways to find chances to mature more and more every day. I am making this because I am broke. My cars registration is past due, and the title is not in my name and cannot be because the old owner title hopped and I cannot reach him nor the previous previous owner. I got a warning today for that and I no longer can drive to work. It will surely cost a little something. I could not even pay rent this month or my part in electricity. I have a phone bill too coming up, along with car insurance, and even if I had my car handled I cannot even afford the gas to get to work and back. I am at the end of my wits right now. Not even three weeks ago I could easily talk to my gf and Id feel better, but she is not here anymore. And we spoke the other day and she seemed like she cares and believes I changed. She just said she needs a little more time to see things the same again. Honestly I want to continue to do better everyday, but the hole I put myself in seems more like an unclimbable dried up well. I made a go fund me but I do not expect that to work. If you look at my post history you can see the desperation for it to work though. I am so stressed and hurt and I feel like my hairs tearing out on its own. I just want to start over at the beginning of 2021, and do it right. Where I can have my old nice job back, my girl, my dignity and happiness and not this nuclear amount of stress. that is all. I really feel there is nothing I can do anymore, and I am just a basket case of issues.",Depression +21035,I am stuck while I watch everyone I care about walk further and further away. I do not even feel like I can talk to anyone about how I feel because it does not feel like they care anymore. They are preoccupied with their own lives. No time for mine. I really just want some of my friends to text me once and a while and make sure things are okay for me. Is that really so much to ask? It feels like if I do not put effort into my friendships no one will. I just feel empty What am I even supposed to do?,Suicidal +21036,"Why do people say that? Does it really mean 'just fuck off'? Because that is all I hear anymore when someone says it. Today was my birthday. It was spectacularly shitty. My partner of over a decade rolled his eyes and put his headset on and went back to playing xbox when I tried to talk to him. He did not even look at me. He came up to the bedroom an hour or so later and said it hurt HIS feelings that is why he was ignoring me. I said that I am practically screaming for help and he will not even listen to me. His answer was 'Go get some help then.' Like...okay. I am down. From who? From where? This mythological help we are supposed to get must be somewhere right? Is it a street? A building? Maybe a magic lamp I can rub. When is my turn? Ohhhhh, you meant therapy. Because that has never occurred to me before. it is not like I have not tried dozens of times. it is not like I have not taken every medication on the market, most with horrible side effects. If my own boyfriend who claims to love me cannot even listen to me talk for five minutes about how terrible I feel today, on my birthday, who does he realistically think is going to step in to help me? Should I start panhandling help? Stand on a street corner with a cardboard sign that says HELP! -No, I do not need money. Mental health services pls.I could go to the ER. I could get a short term script. Then a bill for 3000 dollars. Sure, that will help. I can have one of the antidepressants I have already been on and did not work. Why do not I jump right on that. There is not a bed to be had anywhere right now. I know because I work with people with serious developmental disabilities and psychological issues and every single one of them is being sent home without a bed opening up. Why do people seem to believe all you do is make an appointment and go in and they make it better? that is not my experience or any of the people I work with. Maybe in big cities there are options, I do not know. My partner said get help. I cried for two hours then decided to call helpline. I have never called one before but many of the individuals I work with do. He kept trying to give me advice, which is mainly to control what other people are doing. Like man, if I could control other people do not you think I would have gone with that option by now. I got so weary listening to his advice. He thinks I can make my daughter or partner do.....anything? How? Are we back to the magic lamp again? I finally just asked for free resources for mental health and said I was done talking. He sent them. It was the same exact list of places I already know about through work or have gone to myself. Shit, I could have written that list myself. Also, none of those places are free. Sure, they take medicaid. I do not qualify for that. Self pay is not free. it is a sliding scale based on income and I do not qualify for any help because I work 60-80 hours a week just to have things like a house and food. I cannot she will out any money on another game of mental health merry-go-round. &#x200B;I am not actively suicidal day to day, but I was today. And there was no help. IF there is I do not know how to find it. Just get help.....",Suicidal +21037,"When I find myself struggling, I find myself here. You all help me deal with myself when I cannot. You may have been the one reaching out in the sub, but you allowed me to deal with my struggles, by listening to you, and trying to help you. I struggle with it, too. Thank you for keeping me here. I want to thank you all.",Suicidal +21038,"This actually is not my first time on antidepressants, but I am going back on them after over a year of being off them. I started them a few days ago and I have noticed that I have been feeling all my emotions like at least twice as strong as I normally do.Like the other day my friends who are dating had a big fight and I cried like three times about THEIR fight. And just now I was baking something and every time something went kind of wrong (like spilling some stuff on myself) I would get soooo angry.Is this normal? Is this going to go away soon? First few days on antidepressants, feeling everything very strongly?",Depression +21039,"Hello everyone, if you are here, you are probably have dark thoughts. Want to end your life, want to be free ? but.. I have something to give you, it is not a miracle, not a magic potion but it can help. (it help me multiple time) you just have to read that page : [ and I have to thank everyone that have gain hope, and mostly, the one who created this website page I hope this website will help you ! Hello dear you.",Suicidal +21040,I am sitting in my car in a Safeway parking lot Binging on white cheddar rice cakes and pickles after restricting all day and thought it would not have to be like this if I were dead. And now I am freaking out bc I do not want to die I just do not want to exist you know? I just wish I did not have an eating disorder. I want to be skinny not sick. Freaking out bc I just seriously considered suicide,Depression +21041,have the belt around my neckhope it works this time bye world,Suicidal +21042,"why do you think your mind is spending so much time dwelling on these memories and that you are unable to get past them? When you are feeling down, what kind of thoughts or memory do you notice that you seem to dwell on during this time?",Depression +21043,"I am not sure what I am trying to say, or ask, in this post. it is not 'to' anyone, or this sub in particular but i cannot think of anywhere more appropriate. i think I am just taking stock of where i am at, because I am scared of where I have been before, and I am scared of where i might be going again. I am fucking terrified.i beat this years ago and i thought i had come away from that place for good. i really really did.and I have been trying to pretend I am doing well but for at least a year now, maybe two, i think I have been slipping back. grinning on the outside and hoping that if i lie to myself long enough it would pass. but things in my life are falling apart.i have had issues for years and years feeling that nobody listens to me. like, yeah people hear the words i say, and they respond with words too. but that is where it ends. nothing i say has any bearing. i could go to a restaraunt and stand in line and when i order, the chef would say ""okay, take a seat at a table"" and then not write my order, not cook my meal, and completely ignore me when i try to ask what is going on. as far as my input having any effect on things - i may as well just have kept my mouth shut since birth.I am sharing a house with someone. for a couple of months now. i feel like I am being attacked for the pettiest things but at the same time they are doing these exact same things to a much larger scale. i did a massive amount of rubbish removal and also some yardwork on the weekend (the yard has been neglected for months amd months before i moved in) and maybe i was being selfish but i was hoping for at least a thankyou. all they did afterwards was use me as a wall to complain to about their other problems. not a single mention of the work i had done. i only moved in here because its not possible to live with my partner right now and it was really hard to even find this place, now its looking like ill have to move somewhere else because i feel like I am walking on eggshells and just waiting for what the next problem will be. its wearing down my mental health every single day.but i cannot just move out now either because my job ends in just under 2 weeks (the business is folding) and we employees were only just told about it. so i will not be able to afford to move anywhere now anyway. it was hard enough to get this dead-end job as it is and now this is being taken away from me as well. hello homeless here i come.everything is just piling up on everything else. any time i have a win its as if life has to point out that it was tiny and meaningless, then it goes and takes something away from me just to make sure i am completely defeated. I am sick of feeling like such a fucking worthless piece of less-than-nothing. i feel in my mind that i was supposed to be left in a dumpster at birth and because i was not, life is just bullying me until i finally neck myself and fix the universe. i tell myself this in my head and i can feel my heart agreeing. if my 3+ decades being alive so far are anything to go by, then yes, life will only get worse. pick any point, any point in time and things only get worse from there.when i talk with the kids about growing up, and how exciting life is, i feel like such a fucking liar because that is not what life has been for me at all. life has been 30+ years of finding reasons not to hang myself fucking dead. i just want to cry. I am sorry for anyone who read this. time to be honest. I am fantasising about ending my life again.",Suicidal +21044,"Like, wow. I think of suicide everyday for the past year. Half that year was chronic suicidal thoughts. I am talking with a plan, what the aftermath of my death will be like, how others will react, etc.Recently I decided I wanted end my suffering. I went online and bought the drug (do not ask). It arrived. I have it in my hands, its easy access. All it takes is a little and I will not even know I am dead. Thinking to myself, wow its that easy, huh? And then I am dead, which makes my suffering no longer existent. Everything is fine now. But no, its much more hard than that. You have the permanent solution in the palm of your hands, all you have to do is take it, and your desire is MET. So much power is held in my hand right now that I can finally make this decision. It all came down to this very moment. I came to realize I do not want to die, I just want to end my suffering. Looking at this drug in my hand gives me fear, anxiety, worry, so many different emotions that just looking at it makes me feel uneasy. What is it that I want best for me? I feel that I have no choice but to take this dark route as a only solution. It feels impulsive to have bought this. But why must it feel like this is a choice now? Why could have I of just for once, realized this is not the answer. But it does feel like one at the same time. Its all too conflicting. It gives me comfort knowing I have access to it, but when do I decide to take it? How do I prevent myself if I had enough of living? Have I really had enough? What is enough? I am not even working towards something, so why am I here? Just to suffer more because people tell me to stay? what is the answer, I am still deciding. Why does it have to be this way I do not know. Thinking of suicide and a plan is like a walk through a park. When presented with the permanent solution to your problem in the palm of your hand, it becomes the most difficult thing ever to commit to.",Suicidal +21045,"I grew up in suburban Tennessee, in a borderline fundamentalist Christian community. My childhood was extremely comfortable, happy, and sheltered. I love my parents, they are genuinely caring, funny, enjoyable people. I never really acted out and I always did well in school. Never once did I fear for my future or worry about what was going to happen to me in adulthood. When I was a senior in high school, I started to act out. I had a disrespectful, rude boyfriend. Looking back, I fully understand why my parents did not like him, but he was my first boyfriend and teenage me was blinded by how much I loved him. While we were dating, a tried weed and we had s\*x, but like most normal teenagers I kept this from my parents. One day, my dad happened upon a fairly explicit text from him, and I was told to immediately stop dating him. I refused. This continued repeatedly throughout my senior year, with threats to not send me off to college and constant yelling/crying matched between them and I about why god disapproves of me and why it was hurting them so much that I was s\*xually active. I eventually lied to them and told them I broke up with my boyfriend. The summer between senior year and college, I saw him secretly all the time. I was constantly lying. It felt horrible, but I was so dumb and in love I did it anyway. I regret this time in my life a lot. I went off to college somewhere far away (majored in music) and even then my dad was reading my texts. He read one about me going to smoke weed with some friends, and immediately cut me off. I started to strongly believe I needed to be independent. I never asked for help from my parents. I got a job and worked almost everyday between classes my entire freshman year. I paid for everything but my tuition. Although I was proud of myself for this at the time, It started a pattern that i could not reverse. It felt like I could not tell my parents anything for fear of losing them and losing the only real support system I had. I would not give them intimate details about my life anymore. I would not tell them when I was sad. I would not tell them when I would go to the doctor. I would not tell them when I got a diagnosis. I would not tell them if I was going to therapy. I only ever told them the positives. I would tell them if I would achieved something, or just had a normal, happy day. This worked for me for a long time. During college, I worked enough that I never had to ask for anything. I had my moments of sadness or worry, but I was happy knowing my life was stable. I broke up with my deadbeat boyfriend eventually, which was for the best, and suddenly my parents were proud of me again. The summer between my sophomore and junior years (age 20), I stayed with my parents and interned at a music company. I had a rough summer because I started randomly hooking up with guys (which was not my thing) and I had to get my appendix removed which brought on several complications. My parents knew I was up to something all the time and started treating me coldly again. The withdrew their normal, funny, friendly selves and barely interacted with me. By this time I was tired of arguing with them, so I just did not confront them about it. But even so, they enforced an 11 o clock curfew on me, and still occasionally bemoaned that I was not a Christian. This perpetuated the belief I already held, which was that my parents' hospitality towards me was conditional. It relied on me conforming to their idea of me. When I went back to school in the fall, the distance made things better. I started dating my current boyfriend, who I obviously could sleep with and hang out with and do anything with without my parents knowing, so they were in the dark, and perfectly happy about our relationship. My junior was incredibly happy. I had a boyfriend I loved, and my parents treated me like they were proud of me. Senior year came along and I began to consider my life after graduation. My boyfriend and I planned to move in together with a few of our friends as well. We were going to move to LA. This idea settled in the back of my mind during school, and then became the focus when I graduated. I came back to my parents' house this summer (I am 22 and I graduated in May) and the plan is to leave for Los Angeles at the end of July. I have been applying for jobs constantly. Incessantly. I wanted so badly to get a job before I told my parents I was moving in with my boyfriend. I have worked day in and day out and I have not received a single email back. I understand this is how the music industry is, but my fear of moving out there and having no help from my parents at all because they do not believe in living with someone before you are married is enormous. My dad once told me that if I moved in with a boyfriend I better be able to completely support myself because I could not expect any help from him. I am exhausted by the amount of work I have done at this point, and completely emotionally drained by the fact that I have no acceptances or denials, just radio silence. I have become so obsessive and stressed about it that my entire brain is consumed. I cannot be distracted. I cannot even sleep well. I am a gigantic disappointment to myself, even though I know the industry I am trying to get into has very high barriers to entry. I have never in my life had no job, no school, and no purpose. My parents still treat me differently because I am not a Christian. I do not go to church with them (because of a particular incident where I ran out crying because the sermon was about homosexuality and sex before marriage). My mom barely talks to me on these days. I have stopped exercising and eating healthily completely. I am on my phone an ungodly amount. I cry everyday and spend the other parts either applying to jobs or laying in bed looking at meaningless crap on instagram. I have an extremely low tolerance for stress now. I can become debilitatingly anxious at the drop of a pin. I do not think I am the same person to my friends or my boyfriend. I am not as funny or lighthearted, I am really easily socially exhausted. I just want to be better. I want to be kind to people and be a great friend and a great girlfriend. I really desperately want a close relationship with my family, but I am so scared of losing them if I am too honest. I cannot tell how much of my depression is situational and how much of it is something more chronic... and I cannot tell which option I should attempt to remedy first. Thanks for listening if you are reading this, and I am sorry it was so long. Help me",Depression +21046,"Why? Just so you can enjoy watching me suffer? So you feel better about yourself? I did not choose to be born in this shitty world And I do not want to spend another fucking second in it. ""please do not commit suicide, none of us would want you to do that.""",Suicidal +21047,"Like, wow. I think of suicide everyday for the past year. Half that year was chronic suicidal thoughts. I am talking with a plan, what the aftermath of my death will be like, how others will react, etc.Recently I decided I wanted end my suffering. I went online and bought the drug (do not ask). It arrived. I have it in my hands, its easy access. All it takes is a little and I will not even know I am dead. Thinking to myself, wow its that easy, huh? And then I am dead, which makes my suffering no longer existent. Everything is fine now. But no, its much more hard than that. You have the permanent solution in the palm of your hands, all you have to do is take it, and your desire is MET. So much power is held in my hand right now that I can finally make this decision. It all came down to this moment. I came to realize I do not want to die, I just want to end my suffering. Looking at this drug in my hand gives me fear, anxiety, worry, so many different emotions that just looking at it makes me feel uneasy. What is it that I want best for me? I feel that I have no choice but to take this dark route as a only solution. It feels impulsive to have bought this. But why must it feel like this is a choice now? Why could have I of just for once, realized this is not the answer. But it does feel like one at the same time. Its all too conflicting. It gives me comfort knowing I have access to it, but when do I decide to take it? How do I prevent myself if I had enough of living? Have I really had enough? What is enough? I am not even working towards something, so why am I here? Just to suffer more because people tell me to stay? what is the answer, I am still deciding. Why does it have to be this way I do not know. Thinking of suicide and a plan is like a walk through a park. When presented with the permanent solution in the palm of your hands, it becomes the most difficult thing ever to commit to.",Suicidal +21048,"I feel like everything is getting harder everyday. Harder to sleep, harder to wake up, harder to die, harder to feel anything, harder to talk to people, harder to motivate myself for anything. I cannot keep this shit up, I am 19 now and I am supposed to have ~60 years left. Fuck that. I just cannot understand how people actually live, like how come everyone does not just off themselves? I do not really know what to do to be honest. Its like I can feel my mind breaking down. I am not myself anymore. Man this Life bullshit just never gives up does it?",Suicidal +21049,"Hello Friends, I write to tell you one week from today I will walk into the woods surrounding my house and never take another step into my life again. I write to tell you I lived through what I am capable of living through. I write to tell you not of the circumstances that lead me to this decision, but rather to inform you to find dear loved ones, to hold them close because in the end they will be the only ones to hold you. To you, my beloved friends, Arrivederci. 1 week",Depression +21050,"I have had a few over the years but my current one I have had for a long time now and I am wondering if I need to look for another just to see if it makes any difference. Maybe it is just me and my inability unwillingness to do what is necessary to change or maybe I really do need to find someone who has a better approach. I do not if I am asking for too much from a therapist or not so it is a hard choice to make. Has anyone else dealt with this dilemma and have some advice? When little to nothing has changed for the better, is it time to move on? When do you know if it is time to get a new therapist?",Depression +21051,"I feel strange, cold, lost, you name it. I made a mistake and put my happiness on another persons shoulders (my wife). I experience a lot of anxiety, specially in social settings, around others, etc. I am just a screwed up person, I guess. I feel like I cannot communicate with her how I am feeling because I am dramatic, rude, cannot calm down, always stressed,etc. I do not feel like I am able to feel things and express to her what I feel. I am a burden. The kicker is, she has a pretty bad anxiety disorder herself. But, I refuse to make her feel bad for it. I love her for being able to have it and push forward everyday. It makes me proud. ButIm a burden. What the hell man. I want to die. How can this happen? I love her so much. How can she look at me like this. How can I be so unimportant to minimize me, emasculate me, and be rude to me when I need her most. I have dated lots of women. she is being the only one I have ever loved. she is all I care about. she is the reason I continue on. But, why am I such garbage to her?Kill me. I have been thinking a lot about death lately.",Suicidal +21052,"I just want to hear it, maybe I am being selfish asking for that but Id like to hear it, I know I have people who say they do like my mom but i do not know if its real because I because her so much stress, maybe I am being selfish for asking when people around me say it, I just wanted to ask, I love you all, I thought you guys should know it, I love you all Can someone say I love you",Depression +21053,"The pain, sadness, and want is never ending and I am so tired. I do not want to hurt myself, but GD living hurts like hell.",Depression +21054,"I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years now, which has resulted in me losing a lot of friends who could not understand why I was often distant, or handle it when I confided in them. About 8 months ago, however, I met a person who has been so kind to me and is very loving and understanding. we have both talked about our mental health, trauma, and past SH experiences together to cope, but I realize now that I am starting to feel suicidal again. I do not know how to tell them without putting pressure on them, but we promised each other we would reach out if we ever thought about committing suicide. I do not want them to feel responsible for my well-being, or push them away, but I made a promise to them and I feel like they deserve to know, especially if it ends up affecting our relationship. Does anyone have any tips or advice? what is a good way to confide in my friend about my suicidal ideation?",Depression +21055,"I have given up on life.I do not see a reason to keep going in a world that is just endless misery. I am always depressed and never get any relief from it. I have seen doctors, specialists, counselors, social workers, I have been hospitalized and taken my weight in medications only for nothing to change. So I gave up on treatment. Now I just wait for the day I die or kill myself. My parents do not care. They did not care when I tried to kill myself before. I have had enough of struggling. Not just with depression. With Adhd, OCD, Aspergers syndrome, insomnia all of them. Every day is a war and I have had enough of fighting. I have heard the words it will get better so many times I get angry when I hear it. Its been 12 years since my struggles began and nothing I do has changed my life. I am still miserable. I am alone. Nobody gives a shit about me. I am always uncomfortable in my thoughts and my body that I do not see any reason to live when you cannot even think of one. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +21056,I do not even know why I am posting this. I guess I just need someone to listen. Been suffering lately with very bad depression. I really fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have no friends. I have never had a boyfriend. The girl I thought was my best friend pretty much turned on me stopped having anything to do with me once she started dating her boyfriend.I just feel like life comes so easily for some people. Making friends and forming relationships seems like a piece of cake for them. My problem is likely that I do not put myself out there. I go to work and keep to myself with my hobbies when I am home. I am extremely insecure.I honestly cannot imagine someone wanting to date me. I think I am ugly and do not know why a guy would be attracted to me. I do not know how to feel worthy enough to even muster the courage to form a dating profile online.Thanks for reading if you read this. I just needed someone to listen. {26F} Fearing I am going to be alone the rest of my life,Depression +21057,I really hate my face :( I really hate my face :(,Suicidal +21058,"i have serious issues, I have been seriouslyself harming (cutting) for a really long time and now i just cannot handle my suicidal thoughts. I am too scared of asking for help, explaining the situation to ppl because I am scared of not being taken seriously but now I SEE I NEED HELP. i cannot ask for help but its urgent",Depression +21059,After telling them I am getting better.. then today turning to shit.. I cannot do this anymore. Crying myself to sleep tonight. They would be better off without me pulling them down. cannot burden my loved ones anymore.,Depression +21060,I thought this shit was normal but then I started getting hit with the sudden reality breakthrough thing where you just suddenly feel real if that makes sense? Idk I do not feel fucking cared for and I do not feel like I will ever have a nice caring girlfriend or some friends who I feel actually give a fuck about me I do not feel fucking real,Depression +21061,What do you think is the goal/meaning I am life? Goal of life?,Suicidal +21062,"Today I helped family move some furniture from a neighbors house who is moving soon, and could not help but notice how the neighbor (M, mid 30s) was muscular. Welp guess who cannot stop feeling sorry for himself? Yup, its me. I know I am so lucky to have as fast of a metabolism that I do but it makes me so depressed being 22 years old, 510, and weighing only 120 pounds. Everytime I hit or bump into something, it just pretty much hits bone because I have very little muscle or fat to protect myself. I am starting to eat better slowly but still find myself not eating enough. I am just so lazy when it comes to cooking for myself. I know I have the power to do something about this and I hate asking for encouragement or help but I need a little extra today. Thank you if you have read the whole thing, I just needed somewhere to rant Feeling sad because of my body",Depression +21063,I fuck up everything. I have shit grades and barely any friends. I had an outburst at my girlfriends party because I got overwhelmed and everything else in my life is going wrong so I feel like just offing myself. Idk how to tell my girlfriend I feel like killing myself when she is mad at me. I just cannot keep doing this.,Suicidal +21064,Hey guys I know this probably is not the right place to ask this but I have just been feeling a way for a while now and idk what it is I just feel very numb atm I struggle to sleep I struggle to enjoy anything my memory is horrendous. My relationship with my gf is not in a bad place but she goes above and beyond for us and I literally do nothing I work go gym sleep The one thing I am able to enjoy in the absolute slightest is gym and I am struggling to even go to that I am not able to watch a full film without getting bored out of my mind lifes just become so boring I feel like a robot I have lost my friends due to me being adult at 20 ( I work full time they did not and they expected me go out drinking at 3pm On a Wednesday when I work full time because i have bills to pay.) I am lonely as shit my parents live abroad in Spain and are living the best life ever I am stuck in a miserable 9-5 and I just idk anymore I feel like I was destined for so much more in life and I just hate myself atm. Yeah idk what else to say Am I depressed?,Depression +21065,"Hello, I am planning to kill myself at the end of this week. Should I plan something, prepare anything for my family/friends or it would not matter at the end of things? I wrote letters for them, but I am not sure if it is enough. Thanks. What do I have to plan or prepare before I kill myself?",Suicidal +21066,my mind is destroying me. i want to live and i want to see what happens in my life but what do you do if you lose the one person you love most? I am starting to have suicidal thoughts now and I am extremely tempted to do something so i do not have to live with this feeling the rest of my life i do not know how I am going to do this,Suicidal +21067,"I have found peace with the idea of me dying, for years I have tried to convince myself that there was hope out there which only led to lots of pain and self hate, I still have those feelings everyday and they are not going anywhere, I am not sure when Ill do it but it feels different this time, what made me so sure is I met the perfect person for me and I still fucked it up, what is the point in living when there is nothing better ahead Its over",Suicidal +21068,"And I am tiredI struggle for essentially nothing. I keep pushing myself regardless but nothing really changes. I work out, meditate..try to eat right but nothing changes even when it does bc ultimately yea its all for nothing. I do not think Ill ever get over the fact regardless of being sick. Its all so pointlessnearly impossible to value anythingall amounts to nothing more than a distraction from suffering..seemingly all there isnothings worth the bother. Its hard not to see death as the only answer bc I have tried and things do not get better.just distractions, prolonging the inevitableIll always be tired It is like playing pretend",Depression +21069,I do not want to hang myself at home cuz that is depressing. I do not want to die in a public place either cuz I do not want to give trauma to a random passerby. where is the best place to hang yourself?,Suicidal +21070,"Been feeling like this for quite some time, i do not see point in anything because i feel like i will die by suicide one day, attempted quite recently, never told anyone and still going... I wonder how would my family feel about me staying here even though I am always feeling shitty, just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere, thanks and i send love and support to all people going through similar situation... And i really mean it. Feeling numb and empty even though i act around people normal (putting my thoughts somewhere)",Suicidal +21071,"I am tired of myself. My sister managed to make me and my parents fight once again. She always does this as if she wants me to kill myself. I almost ripped my best shirt in half and almost hit my mom square in the face. This happens almost twice a week. I am tired of being such a fucking loser and a let down for my family. Although i am christian and we strongly discourage suicide, i feel like it does not really matter since i act the opposite of christian beliefs. I have no friends, no life, no future, and i want to end everything. I am probably going tosneak into my parents room and take all the pills there to try to get a simple death that does not require blood loss. I am posting this here in hope that there will be one person in this subreddit that can make a valid point on why i should not end everything and continue living. I am going to try to kill myself tonight.",Suicidal +21072,"i cannot do it. I am sorry. everyone says it gets better but its not. I am trying so hard but nothing is improving. i do not know what to do. i cannot tell a therapist or my mom because they will send me to a mental hospital for the 6th time. i wish nobody liked me so i could kill myself without upsetting people. but I am lucky to have a good (mostly) family anyway, i know others have it so much worse and I am ungrateful. but i only have my family and 1 online friend, so everyone will probably get over my death soon enough if i do it. I am probably going to write a note and try to find a way to do it without anyone noticing. it sucks when you do not have a vehicle to go anywhere and do it alone. ..",Suicidal +21073,"The title of this post says it all. This is my only account on Reddit. I am not here to socialize or anything. Just here to put my story down and try to summon the courage to end this shit existence. I am 55 y/o. Never had a girlfriend worth speaking of; my longest 'relationship' was perhaps 2 weeks, and that was what you would call 'long distance.' I just finished a master's degree program in library science, and now have 120k+ in debt. I also just had open heart surgery, from which I am recovering. I have no friends. I have someone in my life who pitied me enough to give me a place to stay during my first ten days of recovery, as it seems the doctors insisted that I not be alone. I have been alone since my father died nearly ten years ago. I have no siblings or family. Maybe 1 cousin who might give enough of a shit to she would a tear when they find out I have checked out of this mad-house asylum they call the world. I have no children, obviously. I do not have any one who would miss me. I cannot remember the last time one of my friends called. I have tried to reach out, but everyone has their own lives, and not much time to spend on old friends. I do not tell anyone or let on that I want to die. I am not big into drama. The hospital asks their routin questions, but I always deny any sucidal thoughts, as I am not going to let them institutionalize me or put me on some list where I cannot get the firearm that will get me out of this hell. So I sit and I think about this every day. I should have not even bothered to call the fucking ambulance when I started to have angina pains. The result was an emergency bypass. I wish I would have died on that fucking table. It would have been painless. Now I am stuck with this shit and no prospects of a job. I have not even had a job in nearly 2 decades. I am looking at exit bags, but that seems like a lot of work. I think I am just going to get a sleeping bag and a gun. The sleeping bag will at least make clean-up easy for the landlady, who seems nice enough. there is no fucking point to any of this, and I have finally realized that I have to do it. I am going to set things in motion since there is a 2 week waiting period for the gun. Kind of sucks that i have to wait two weeks. I hope my resolve does not waiver. there is nothing left for me at this point. do not look at me as an example to emulate. My life is shit and I clung to hope in the face of hopelessness. You each have to decide your own fate. I have hopefully decided mine. Peace. 55 Y/O Male. No friends, no family, recovering from triple bypass. Probably going to be checking out voluntarily soon.",Suicidal +21074,"I get a bf but i thought he did not care about me cuz he never did anything to show it, so this other guy liked me and i ended up kissing him.I feel so fucking awful for it but idk how to apologize and i just do not want to hurt anyone, i just want to kms so no one else has to deal with me I am such a shitty person",Suicidal +21075,I am of no real value to anyone.Just venting. There seriously is no point in me being alive.,Depression +21076,"I have been dealing with depression off and on for a few years now but a few months ago it hit a pinnacle. I was not suicidal like I had been in the past its just extreme emotions as well as a lack of the will to do anything really. I am normally a very organized and clean person, I clean my apartment on Sundays, I cook for myself and do not eat out ever. I have pets and clean their cage every week, my main hobby is video games and normally play daily. Starting about 4 months ago I started losing interest in everything, I also had multiple kidney stones and surgeries because of them since then. I have been seeing a CBT and Psychiatrist as well for 3 months. The CBT told me its just because I do not find value in doing those things anymore. Okay that explains it and I can identify that on my own... How the hell do I assign value to those things if I do not have value in them. Like I want my apartment to be super clean again but when I start cleaning I immediately lose interest and just lay down for a few hours. I try to plan to do certain things on certain days but when it comes time to do it I just cannot. I feel like I am super lazy but I also feel like this is different from laziness idk. I was on Zoloft for a while and got up to 150mg, when I was at that dose I LITERALLY could not do anything at all, I was supposed to go on vacation and left two days late because I could not even pack. I would forget things super often and still do which is unlike me. Currently I am on Celexa but have only taken it for about a week so far. Sometimes when I go to play a game that I love I just cannot and lose all interest and end up just laying down for hours. What do I do to get my life back? Zero motivation to do much of anything.",Depression +21077,"Whoever is reading this, I am sorry if I made this decision. I just do not want to live anymore. I do not want to disappoint people. I hate myself, I am not worthy of love.After long consideration, I decided to kill myself. I do not want to live anymore. I am hideous, disgusting, worthless. My existence is pointless & meaningless. Nobody would love me. My face is disgusting. My skin is full of scars. How can anyone in the right mind love me? I am nothing.it is hard to live everyday hating yourself. Battling thoughts in your mind. And the voices in your head telling you how worthless you are.Every inch of my skin is disgusting. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see nothing but a hideous monster.I am tired. I am done. And I have had enough. I just want to end everything. For my friends & family, I might be selfish for doing this, but I am just tired.I hope you guys understand. The world is depressing. I failed the world. I failed everyone. I just do not want to live anymore. Love you all. A suicide note that I will use in the future",Depression +21078,"I feel awful inside and out. I have been depressed since I was a child. Its absolutely fucking exhausting. I am a single mom now so I am stuck. Every time I think of a way to end it, I think about her and the fucking guilt is overwhelming. I have nothing. From the outside looking in, I appear as if I am doing okay. I own a business, my daughter is [mostly] happy, and Ill post positive things on social media. I am actually fucking dying inside. My business has essentially bankrupted me. I have no fucking money. I am always trying to figure out how I am going to take care of my daughter, put gas in the borrowed car I drive because mine does not work anymore, and how I am going to eat. I am tired of living like this. The only thing keeping me from falling apart was my person but he and I have not been getting along and after a huge argument yesterday I know things will never be the same. I am absolutely heart broken and I feel like a failure. I slept in today (thankfully my daughter did too). I took her to a park, used a gift card I had to get her food and a $5 toy. Made sure she had a great day. We drew pictures and colored together. She had a great day. I am now in bed crying and she is with her grandmother. I just want to end it so fucking badly. I am so, so, so sad. I cannot stop crying. Everything hurts. My face is swollen. I am on the fucking internet crying about my stupid fucking life. I feel so fucking pathetic. Why cannot I just be okay? Why is my brain like this? Why am I like this? I try so fucking hard and get nowhere. I wish something would happen accidentally because I do not want to disappoint my daughter and have her live with the consequences of my actions if I end it, but I absolutely cannot live like this any longer. What the fuck do I even do? I am so fucking sad. How is it possible to live like this? How has my body not just stopped? What to do",Suicidal +21079,I am tired of being the person people always come too. Why does my stupid heart and brain have to be so empathetic? I always am there for others but those same people are not there to listen to me. My cousin is struggling bad right now and I have to act like I am okay for her. But I am not okay. I am fucking depressed and suicidal every single day. These thoughts are eating me alive. Idk how much longer I can hold on. I just want to disappear My time is soon,Suicidal +21080,"I am not feeling the way I felt in the past. I am scared of calling it depression because most people think of my actions as ""just for attention"" and that I am overreacting. It is always the same words ""You are a man you should be..."". Everyday I am feeling more and more detached from reality, like I know I should not be like that, that I should not feel like this during certain times but I just cannot help it. what is even worse I feel like I do not want this pain to go away. I often cry at night thinking how great it is to just feel the strongest feeling in the world, the sadness. Girlfriend is getting angry at me because of the way I act, She wants normal life not some ""pussy"" that gets anxiety attacks over the smallest things. I feel like I am burden for her and the way she does not understand me makes me think question our relationship. Family understands only basic things just as the girlfriend, they do not understand how I can be stressed over future, how anxiety makes me unable to do certain tasks, how THEY can be the reason I developed some fears. At this point I do not know who is right, do I really have the right to feel like this? or maybe they are right that I just create my own problems? I would really like to be alone or at least have some one who understands these random bursts of fear and sadness and does not question the way I am. Please share your experiences with people like me or If you are like me, how did you fix it? Just Thoughts",Depression +21081,I am tired of always being second. I am never first. I am always just someone is after thought. With my parents I am always doing everything wrong. I could find the cure to cancer and they would still be mad I never did more. I recently got keys to my work place and the entrance code and I was so happy because I always wanted it but never got the chance to ask and when I did get it my parents just got mad that my cool news was not that I got full time hours. Whenever we go out it is always about the dogs. And yeah I get it. I love them. But I am always at fault if I do not catch them when they run away. But if I ask to put them on their leashes they say it is not nice to have wild animals on a leash and that it is torture to them. I cannot tell my friends about my problems because then I am a burden and they have enough stuff. I always get picked last for sports or just forgotten all together. I cannot swim with family because I am a trans guy and they do not feel comfortable seeing my chest after too surgery. And I can ask my friends to go swimming but I feel like I ask them too much. it is always me asking people for stuff first. Never them. I am never on their mind. And if I am it is just to ask me to do something for them. Or a favour. I even relapsed on sh because this m just so hurt and empty all the time. I am never good enough. Ever. I am just so done. I know I will never be enough for anyone and I really just need to stop trying. The only thing I should try at is to kill myself. But then if I fuck up and end up alive I will just be even more of a dissapointment Not enough and probably never will be,Depression +21082,"Oh, I know why, because my father died a few months ago, the people I call ""friends"" just do not care about me and still say that I am the one who does not care about people, some people ignore me for more than 4 months and still say that I am the idiot for ignoring them or for being annoying.Honestly, forget those 2 last things, I just want to be with my father again, we had such a good time together, why did it happened? I just wanted to go with him Why do I feel like this? Why do I want to kill myself?",Suicidal +21083,"I really need help I do not know what to do with myself and I am afraid of reaching out to those hotlines or anything like that because I cannot be locked in a mental health ward again, It only exasperates everything. What do I do? I need help",Suicidal +21084,"TW/// I am so exhausted and tired of trying to keep going. I am only 17, but I am just so sick of everything. I have been dealing with mental illness for years, and its not getting any better. I feel like a failure to everyone, and just want to escape. I tried to overdose last month, but my stepmother found me too soon. I come here because this is the only place I can vent about this topic. I have one person I can talk to, but I was texting them yesterday so I feel terrible bothering them again. I think today is the day",Suicidal +21085,"I am a female in my late 20s and to preface when I say normal life I mean lifes basics like feeling safe, having friends, finding a partner the ability to feel independence and just live a fulfilling life. I do not have any of these, I struggle so much to keep and find friends, dating feels impossible because I have such low self esteem that I do not think anyone would love me. I have no independence, my parents have me trapped at home. there is also a lot of yelling at home, I work from home too, I cannot concentrate so I am falling behind. I also hate my job but its secure so I am toughing it out. I just wish that there was one aspect in my life that is positive, there is nothing I look forward to. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I know its easy to say find an apartment or get a new job or get friends but its not. Affordable apartments in my city are hard to come by, and so are good jobs and friends. I have no fulfillment in my life, I honestly started to contemplate ending it. I do not want to go but I cannot continue either. I feel like I cannot live a normal life",Depression +21086,"I feel like I am finally at the place in my life, where I am ready to make a plan and carry it through. I have multiple means by which to end my life and right now I am just waiting for the 'right time'... I guess by right, I mean the final straw. I have been around people today and I have had to hide my feelings of suicide and how depressed I have been... not to mention the anxiety I have been feeling.I had to tell someone. Thanks for reading. I think I am ready to make an official plan",Suicidal +21087,"I want to state that I am not suicidal, I do not have the energy for that or the desire. I just am at a point where I am just done experiencing life. it is been too traumatic and painful for me and everybody lied when they said life gets better because it definitely just gets worse. I spend most of my days lately on my futon doing absolutely nothing most of the time. I just stare at the ceiling or cry for hours, waiting and hoping I just die. Everything you care about hurts you eventually because it either dies, changes, or goes away and there is no point of even trying to get attached to anything. I am also alone and have no friends or family because they either died, changed, or went away. I have not been able to eat food for almost two days now because I just throw it up. The only thing I get up for is to use the restroom. I do not want anything, I do not want to go out, and I just try and sleep my days away. I am on the verge of losing my housing because I cannot work due to my energy level and overall bleak outlook. Idk what to do anymore. I literally just want to stop experiencing life. Any advice? I just feel like giving up on life",Depression +21088,"I have taken all the pills, goodbye I am ready to g o",Suicidal +21089,I just tied a noose with a loose laundry line and tried to hang myself. I hanged for about 3-4 seconds and everything started to become black. I gasped for air and felt after a grip with my feet and with the last strength I had I sat up. I have a red mark around my neck. I am 25 F. None of my dreams will come true and I do not have anything to live for. My mom killed herself 2016 and ever since then I have just been dwindling in depression. I see no light and no purpose. I am just getting older and the depression is eating me up. All the things I loved to do is filled with anxiety and I do not enjoy it anymore. I am here is no purpose. I do not know why I am typing this. Maybe a small part of me still wants to live but mostly I just think its because I am a fucking pussy and I am scared. Idk,Suicidal +21090,"I have mild depression and anxiety. I always worry I am not good enough, that I am going to get fired etc;I also have seasonal depression and the winters are terrible.I recently got prescribed 25mg of zoloft but I am terrified of the side effects and how much worse it might make me. I do not even know how much the stuff could help, if it would be worth it. How effective is medication?",Depression +21091,I have been writing suicide notes to my family and friends for months. Every time I do I have meant it. I have written my last one. I have said what I need to. I am actually ok with dying. At the same time part of me still wants to live. I am done trying. I have given up. I am done hurting. I am done being alone. Good bye,Suicidal +21092,"its my body and I did not ask to be on this planet. Why cannot I do what I want? I should get to choose if I want to stay here or not and not struggle every day for no reason. Ill die when I am old anyway, why not make it sooner? Its not like Ill miss all the stuff I could have done since I will not be alive. Why cannot I commit suicide",Suicidal +21093,"I have basically been depressed/suicidal since I was maybe 13, I have never attempted but I have made plans to kill myself at least twice, and almost did it a few times but got scared. I think at some point I will do it. I just moved in December to the US, and it has not been so bad since school is online. In the fall my college is going to be opening again, and it will be in person. Considering I have come pretty close now when my classes are online, I think I will probably end up doing in the Fall, when I actually will have anxiety and shit, plus I just fucking moved and I definitely will not make any friends here. I aggressively hate myself, and even I do not kill myself this fall, I will do it at some point in my life. What the fuck is the difference between now and fall. Between today and tomorrow. Why do not I just do it this week. Tomorrow. Tonight. I feel like me killing myself at some point is inevitable. what is the difference if I do it now or later",Suicidal +21094,"Please forgive the inarticulate wording of this post; I am mentally exhausted and it is become increasingly difficult to verbalize or write out how I am feeling but I feel like I am going to burst if I do not put it down somewhere. it is been a really rough three weeks.I have spent twenty years in a vicious cycle of depression and suicidal ideation; the first time I remember wanting to die was in fifth grade. Part of it was triggered by my home life; my immediate family struggled with domestic violence and substance abuse episodes. Ultimately, we were all emotionally damaged people who could not talk about it to each other so I looked for consolation elsewhere. I distracted myself, I lost myself in my head (a la JD from Scrubs), I ate too much. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it did not (I am still alive, so I guess it is been successful in that regard). In recent years, I have become almost a total recluse outside of work. I have been lucky enough to meet some great people through my job that gives me some level of interaction but at the end of the day, I know I am less important to them than they are to me. it is similar with my extended family - they are tight-knit and close and people that do not punch holes in walls or threaten to put you in a wall. I get the requisite invitations to holiday parties - and they are always polite to me - but I will never be part of the fold. that is not an accusation or something I blame them for. I am the daughter of their black sheep, drug addict son - I would not want to be around me either. I am fundamentally worthless. I have known this for a long time but I have really come to realize while taking inventory of my life so far. I am not loveable, I am not worth anything at the end of the day, and largely would not be missed. I am afraid of dying (funny enough I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac) but I just want it to be over. I am exhausted and I do not think I will ever be happy again and I just want it to be over. The only reason I am still here is because of my mother. I am hanging on so she does not have to bury me. Anyways. I needed to say it somewhere. Tired",Depression +21095,"I am the most pathetic fucking piece of shit, I have to have all these stupid mental illnesses that makes everything an endless cycle of bullshit.I try to do things I want to do and then the depression hits and I do not want to do anything anymore. I go do the things I do not want to do anymore because ""hey, just push yourself to do shit and you will start feeling better."" But instead my anxiety skyrockets and I look like a fucking idiot who cannot even form a whole scentence. Then I start overthinking about how much of a fuck up I am and how stupid I must seem. So I just do nothing all the time so I do not fuck up. When I do that though I just get more depressed because I am being a lazy piece of shit. So the cycle continues until I work up enough courage to fucking hang myself. I am just Useless Trash",Suicidal +21096,Easiest way to kill yourself in Canada. And how to prevent it or help of the person already started Canada,Suicidal +21097,I am currently going to university but I am lazy and depressed so I did not do any work. I decided that an apprenticeship would be better for me and I am expecting an email from a law firm I applied at. I told my mom that I wrote multible job applications but I did not and I genuinely do not know what to do if I do not get the job. At this point I feel like suicide is the best option for me because I do not want to worry anymore and I have absolutely no will to live. I think the only reason I have not done it already is because I do not know how. Is suicide a valid career choice?,Suicidal +21098,"I am bipolar and have ptsd from being raped as a childI have been hospitalized several times in my life on suicide watchI have not been able to work because all of my business dried up due to COVID I have a family I cannot provide forMy mother suddenly died in April, my last close family memberMy wife was diagnosed with cancer last month and will have months of the most intensive chemo aheadI have to move my family within weeks and have nowhere to goI have a 12 year old daughter that hates me because I care and do not let her live her lifeMy dog has a tumor that is undiagnosed because I cannot afford to help him and I am terrified its cancerI should be stepping up and handling this, but I feel like a big step off the nearby cliffs would be easier Drowning",Suicidal +21099,"I do not have clue why I do not attempt to kill myself again.There is no reason for me to stay and I am just seeing where life brings me before I will eventually off myself. I do not plan to live past 19, but I will probably die years before I reach that age. This world is just so sad. I just want to have someone hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I need a hug...",Suicidal +21100,i just cannot I am tired i know very well the rules to this game now and me typing this shit is just a part of it i will type some shit that I am sad and i want to kill myself maybe if i feel really bad i will type that I am about to kill myself by jumping from a high bridge but it will not happen because either i will forget that i ever typed this or that I am getting a small turning point of happiness or motivation that will make me consider my suicide and then later shortly fail me and make feel shitty agian or i will just bang out. What I am trying to say what if you have become well aware of a pattern in your life that your bound to that you have tried to change but with no success? Is it really worth to keep living because i feel like screaming and go crazy by now. At this point I am horrible to ask people this but i need someone to say that i should kill myself to agree that this is not worth it. Now we should be real I am incredible selfish to ask this but i neeed this cmon say I am doing a positive thing smth bruv what should you do if your been depresst for 4 years,Suicidal +21101,I am so unlucky that i cannot even catch covid. I thought this pandemic was going to be an end to all my stress and take me out but i guess this shit was not really all that. not impressed covid,Suicidal +21102,I just have nothing to add or give to this world. I do not get how it can ever get easier or atleast fruitful. I just do not get how it gets any better. I would like it to. Would love it to. I just do not understand how it can ever be something you like/love. No catchy title,Suicidal +21103,"Driving home, No Rain by Blind Melon came on.All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watching the puddles gather rain.All I can do is read a book to stay awake, and it rips my life away, but it is a great escape.And I do not understand why I sleep all day, and I start to complain that there is no rain.All I want is someone to say to me, I will always be there when you wake.I want to be there with myself when I wake... When do I get out of this cloud always hanging over my head. I am barely there, I am on a T.V. Set pretending to be me in my house. Years go by, everything that keeps me together breaks and comes crashing down. All I could do was cry on the driving wheel when I parked. Crying on the radio",Depression +21104,I have been really struggling the past year and my girlfriend has slowly become more distant. Today I found out she is been having an affair with my older brother for the past year or so. Lifes just too hard to carry on anymore at this point I do not have anybody or anything to live for Ready to go,Suicidal +21105,"I am not sure if this is really what it is but I believe I maladaptive daydream a lot. When I say a lot I mean a lot. not just when I am alone. Sometimes Ill be taking a test and I am imagining being someone else. I am not doing anything different, still taking the same test but its just not me, not my body. sometimes Ill take myself to another universe. Even when watching YouTube I pretend to be someone else or a better version of me. The only few times when I am not daydreaming is when I am under way to much stress. when that happens I am suddenly struck with reality that I am not who I pretend to be. I have wasted years of my life pretending to be someone else. it does not help with my stress. Thank you for reading my rant. Stay safe <3 I am barely living my own life anymore.",Suicidal +21106,"Is it bad that i told my mom her and my family have been making my suicidal ideations stronger and not my medicine? It makes me angry that she thinks it my medicine when clearly they are all treating me like shit and isolating me. But then i feel bad for calling them out? Idk, I am so fucked up Is this bad?",Depression +21107,"When I was young I made friends with a woman online who was soon to be homeless. She lived at a different state and I offered that she come stay at my parents place for a while until she got back on her feet. She took that offer and was at my place after a few weeks. I panicked not realizing the full gravity of the situation of what I have done and slammed the door in front of her face. I betrayed her by kicking her out and pretending that I never knew her. She trusted me, begged me, and desperately tried to have me take her in but I was an incredible coward who refused. How did I cope with this trauma I induced on her and myself? I did everything in my powers to suppress all memories of her or that event. I ran away. Years later I was nearly graduating from a college and the suppressed guilt and shame exploded. Subconsciously I tried to ruin my life by committing a horrible crime on camera for the world to see. When reality of my actions slapped me in the face I did everything in my power to fight my case. I got friends involved and made massive promises of being reformed. I won the case and was given a second chance. I ran away again. Literally made everything worse and ruined multiple peoples lives, jobs, and burned every social bridge I had ever made in my life. I am thankful my family still supports me but I live like a leech. I do not contribute to society and literally put all my focus on the guilt and shame that I placed myself in. I have tried killing myself multiple times but I am afraid. I have no future. No career. Everyone wishes to harm me. I can do nothing but watch as my parents grow old and feel regret of having me as a child. I am so tired. Suppressed guilt and shame. Scumbag who should be dead.",Suicidal +21108,"I am 27 year old and recently got frustrated and depressed and lost interest on everything and lost my will to continue living when i realized that i have no power to chose or decide in my life.Like living alone, i am stuck with my parents and i cannot afford to live alone and do whatever i want.I am also working in a stressful job and never get paid on time which prevent me from financial independenceI am gay but unfortunately homosexuality is illegal in my countryMy only hobby is playing video games but recently these days i completely lost interest on them (when in fact i was super addicted during my entire life)I am searching for a new job but its so hard and life is hard and i am not even sure that a new job is what i needI have completely different state of mind than my family and never feel understood by them (nor by anyone) except people i met in europe during my education.I feel i have no future and someone is deciding on my behalf and i cannot do anything because that person who is deciding is making theright choice its like my subconscious/instinct is deciding and making the optimal decisions under the environment i am in, but these decisions are making me sad a lot because they are against my beliefs and what i want.This supposedly person is so powerful because he make the best practical decisions and have always tones of argument on their favor and i can only surrender myself and follow. Recently i am very sad and have no will to live (not to the point to suicide, i will never do that) and i am lost and people keep asking me if i am okay why i am sad, you look sad etcI feel like a minion in this world with zero impact and that my life is worthless and not human being but rather like an object because whatever happens it does not matter because everything in my life is already sh**t and i cannot change it because i already tried and keep trying and nothing good happens I have no control over my life",Depression +21109,"I am trying so hard to avoid self-destructive behavior. Drinking, self-harming, engaging with people I should not. Wallowing. it is getting harder and harder to avoid. Every day I feel myself losing my grip a little more and soon I am going to falter and do something stupid. And the coping mechanisms are becoming less and less effective. I know the path I am on. I know where it goes.I know all of this but I am powerless to stop it. Self-destructive behavior",Depression +21110,"I appreciate all the help I have received from those around me. I see all the effort that they have put into my well-being and happiness. As of today right now I feel a tangible kind of pressure as if people want me to commit you know what. The phrase ""you can lead a horse to the water....."" rings true, but this time this horsey wants to drink. I literally want to cease existing, I know the very same people might be upset at my decision but it is warranted. A literal failure and waste of space, water, food, effort, and time. I have looked up methods and I have been discouraged so things are even worse. I feel like lifes a big trick being played on me, without a doubt I am now questioning my sanity and I feel my brain is defective. I am a piece of shit in all ways imaginable. I can say that I hate everyone who led me to feel this way but that is just a poor projection of what is wrong with me on the inside. Others only she would light on the wrong, they did not do the wrong.I have thought of hanging, a cliff, not painkillers because the nostalgia surrounding that method is traumatizing, not a gunshot because its difficult to find a firearm where I am, the idea of poisoning came to me as I was typing and seems very feasible, I found a method on the internet but to get the instruments to do so would be difficult.In order to facilitate the debilitation of myself I have given myself constant negative affirmations with hopes it seeps into my mind n ruins me for what kind of person I am. My usual method if self harm is cutting but yesterday I tried branding myself as punishment for a mistake I made. I am constantly saying horrible things about myself in my head, reliving things that were said to me but who knows maybe I am just crazy making things up like I was told before. it is funny because I am so afraid to die but it is what I deserve and the world needs. If anyone wants to help get trash off the streets please reach out to me n help me help everyone.If you know then you know. So if anyone I mean anybody wants to help then please give me the wrong motivation let out all Ur anger and hate n give it to me so i can help you and you can help me :) TRIGGER WARNING: self harm, ideation and etc. Right now I feel anxious, sick, and tired",Suicidal +21111,I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,Suicidal +21112,"This started more than a year ago. I was thinking that I am a lost because. I tried to go to a therapist but it did not worked. In this time I tried to kms a few times but something stoped me everytime. After a few months I accepted the ideea that I need be happy with myself and I tried so hard and I found my passion, cars and bikes. When I ride I feel happy. No past no future just the moment, a small mistake and this could all end. that is my happy place, second where nothing maters.The depression was not gone but I learned how to surpress it.Three months ago I meet a girl. She showed the brightside of this thing called life. I started to fell alive and happy. I was feeling good and maybe loved but the relationship started to fall apart. I was feeling ignored and left out, I started to feel that it is going to destroy me and I talked to her and we decided to break up. I feel sad because she had some things that were not working out for her too but she did not want to tell me that. I am sad that I told her to communicate but it did not happend. I am sad because she did not tried to make the thinks work and I was willing to do anything.And here I am now. I feel sad and depresed again. I feel bored and like there is nothing left for me. I was thinking to leave my workplace but I need some money because I want to buy a new bike. At night my brain is overflowed by thoughts and I am thinking about her almost all the time I think about how good thinks could be and I am thinking about kms. I am gratefull for her presence in my life. She was the best thing that happend for me in a looong time. But now not even cruising at night could solve things. Not even drinking or smoking could not help, I keep thinking about her and how happy I felt when she was by my side.I tried meeting new people and going to social events but I feel unatural and fake and like nothing is working and like I am dead, invisible. I found a cute girl at a party an I started talking to her. We have a matching personality and we had fun that night but now I cannot even get a response from her, either she ignores me or she is not using her ig. Anyway the ideea is that I need help. I want to be strong and I do not want to feel like garbage and I cannot accept it anymore but it is hard for me to something to change and I feel like I do not deserve it.that is my story. I could use some thoughts and suggestions. Thank you for reading. I am feeling lost and I could use some help",Depression +21113,"They just get on with their lives. They go to college, work 9-5s, pay bills, and all the while have no desire to kill themselves. I have no obligations, just a shut in, and can just about get out of bed. And all the while I want to kill myself. If I had to get a job Id immediately get my belt and hang myself. what is the fucking point working for a living when I do not even want to be alive. I find it crazy that people can just do shit",Depression +21114,"I am 17,from the uk iv made a suicide bag a ready made noose and some cigs,its conforting I am so happy i have a choice in this world of pain i have a way out just under my [bed.]( Thanks amazon",Suicidal +21115,"I am tired, I do not even know where to start, but I am tired. Ever since I was little, my dream has been studying and becoming a professional in a career I can be proud of. I was the type to take college classes in high school so I could expedite the process. When I got the opportunity to move the USA at the age of 15, of course I said yes. Yes, dad! Of course I want to go. The land of opportunity, the land of the free. It has been more than 10 years, and I have been anything but free. I am 26 years old, and I have not started my career. I am an illegal immigrant. I cannot graduate, drive or work (unless I do so illegally, which has never been my desire; breaking the rules has always been my worst nightmare). Doing the wrong thing completely paralyzes me. I do not suppose dad knew what he was doing when he moved us to this country. And yes, I could have left, but it does not work like that in our family, where the man of the house is the ruler and tyrant. Leaving meant having nowhere to go with no roof over my head or food in my stomach. I have always struggled to make friends, I guess they all have sensed the brokenness that is in me and ran the other way. As the months go by, my interest in people diminishes. I want to be left alone. do not talk to me, do not look at me, do not breathe on me (please ignore all this and love me anyways). Just give up on me and leave (please fight for me). I understand I am hard to love, which makes this decision a little easier. Dad, even though you were tough on me, I know you were just as broken as me. I do not want to follow in your footsteps. I tried. I really tried. But I am you. Mom, I love you so much and I am sorry. You do not deserve to lose your only daughter, but I cannot do this anymore. Hubby. You have tried your best to be patient and be there for me. But my presence is a burden that you do not deserve to handle. I hope you find love again. I know you will with that light that shines through you. I have realized that a life in which I contribute nothing but pain and strife is not worth living.I hope it will be a light, painless death. I will sleep and hope to never wake again. My Suicide Note",Suicidal +21116,"Hello, I am not sure where to begin, so I guess Ill start with I am a father of two beautiful girls. 2 years old, one 1 month old, I grew up without a father so I promised myself I would not ever leave my children If I had became a father and I will not ever do that, I want to be apart of their lives and be an active role, I have a wonderful fianc who loves and adores me, who does everything a man could ever dream of. This sounds like a picture perfect family or a mans perfect dream, however I do not feel happy, the depression started when she became pregnant; and I know it makes me a terrible person to feel this way.. I have been suppressing the depression or emotional thoughts and put on a smile on my face because this is what my role as a father is for the last 2 years, it has not gone away and I cannot talk about it to my spouse because I am afraid I will hurt her feelings.I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I spend so many hours of the day feeling so numb; I feel happy with my kids for a short moment but then I fade away into an endless void.I feel like I am not in a good mental state and it concerns me Depression in dads",Depression +21117,I am a 17-year-old and I feel hopeless. I do not want to be 17 in a year like this. I feel pressured by my parents to live the same life as them. I feel like dumping my girlfriend after reading an article that people choose partners who relate to their parents. My parents want me to go to college but I feel like a big chunk of my life will be thrown away doing that shit. I am constantly scared that 2026 will be way too deep into the future to start my fucking career due to my fear of future disasters. I just want to move out into an environment where I can feel free and I cannot even fucking do that. I have my death planned out before my life planned out. I have my own death planned this year. I cannot fucking do this shit anymore.,Depression +21118,"I know what it is that is causing my depression and what always has. The sense of sheer loneliness is a feeling I am all too familiar with. Be it with family or people claiming to be my friend. I would include romantic relationships but at the age of 32 and only having had 2 of them that barely feels necessary to mention. Also, the fact that, as it turns out, both of those relationships turned out to not really be real hardly seems worth mentioning of any value. I just want love. I have always wanted to feel like I fit in and wanted the feeling of being desired. To make matters worse, I have the unfortunate luck of being gay so my chances to meet someone have gone down drastically. To add insult to injury, I am not exactly a conventionally attractive person so my odds have gone down to being nonexistent. I have already accepted my life as being alone forever of both romantic and genuine friendly relationships. I just need to know what I need to do to be atleast somewhat ok with this for the next 33+ years. My counseling sessions are typically 7 weeks apart and all I get is breathing techniques. Please. Someone please be real with me and tell me. Tell me what to do",Depression +21119,and a thank you to the internet for how easy it was to get slugs too. Cheers! The only positive thing and joy I have felt all month is finding my dads 12 gauge lol,Suicidal +21120,"What else needs to die so I can I be free? I feel like I am so close to nothing but never actually there. Like I am constantly being held back by something so small yet it has such a huge impact. It chains me to this world of illusionsmaybe its impossiblePerhaps the only way is to die, to become nothingI wish I knew what was holding me back. Its like I am cursed, forced to live.I cannot kill myself, live a normal life, distract myself from it all.I am trapped in hell, its so fucked up it has to beall a jokeneed to keep going. I need to be sicker hehheh..never enough What am I missing?",Depression +21121,"**\*TW SUICIDE AND SELF HARM\***&#x200B;&#x200B;&#x200B;&#x200B;Hi! I really need help. My friend recently has been making a lot of jokes about suicide, but today she confirmed that she has a plan and has the means to carry it out. My friend self harms, but she is currently a week clean. She often says that she ""knows it will not last."" Her parents are emotionally manipulative and neglectful according to her, and they are aware of her cutting, but they do nothing about it. She has seen therapists before, but she claims they made things worse. Both of us are 15 years old. She does not seem to want help. she is said that one day, we might wake up and she will be gone. I have issues with suicidal thoughts and it is triggering to hear about her own suicidal thoughts when I have struggled with that in the past, so I cannot talk to her about it like I want to. she is said all this over text, so I have screenshots of what she told me. I do not know what to do and I am really afraid. Please help me. My Friend is Actively Suicidal",Suicidal +21122,"i broke up with my girlfriend of almost eight months today. our anniversary would have been in two days and this time last year is the month that we met so we we have pretty much known each other for a whole year. i feel the worst fucking sack of shit alive. i cannot believe i actually did this. i always told her i would not leave her and i truly did not think i ever would, i guess that is just what our relationship came to. we went days without talking so i assumed it was going to end in a breakup anyways so i started mentally preparing myself for it. then she said she wanted to fix things and that she would never give up on us. and i feel fucking horrible because i was all she had. she has no one irl that is there for her. her friends and family treat her like actual shit and I have never heard of anything so horrible. and all i had to do was be there and be her girlfriend but i failed. i deserve to die. I am ok with the breakup but the hardest part of this whole thing is she is suicidal. i know she will commit at some point whether i know or not and that is the most impossible feeling to live with. i do not know how I am going to carry on especially the next couple days i might as well just find a way to get rid of myself after this what the fuck have i done",Suicidal +21123,"I think I am done with being alive. My life has been pretty rough since birth. No real need to dive into that. But now I am nearly 30. Nothing has gotten better. No friends, dead end job, cannot get over a relationship that ended 5+ years ago, not close to my family, soon to be homeless bc I do not make enough to afford to live on my own. I really have tried to turn things around. I have hobbies but I just do not care about them anymore. I do not care about my job, and I have 0 skills so there is no way I can find a better one. I have tried meds but I am always berated by doctors and people I look to for help bc they assume I only want drugs? Idk. Plus I am just broke and cannot afford that stuff. And I do not have insurance. I do not drive bc it is terrifying, so that pretty much destroys any type of relationship I have gotten myself into. I am awkward as fuck. I have no personality. I am just done. I do not want to be alive. Every day fucking hurts I do not really know where else to say this kind of stuff",Suicidal +21124,"I have never behaved like this. I have no clue what is happening to me and I am really scared. My mind is spiraling down to a really dark place and I am beginning to overthink about everything. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am the most useless and boring human being that ever existed on this planet. I feel so fucking isolated from everyone and everything, like I am not even really here, I feel like someone is living my life instead of me. Everyone pretends to care when they really do not give a fuck. How could I trust people when I cannot even trust myself? When I am sabotaging my own happiness and making things worse for myself with my own fucking thoughts. When I promised I would never try to hurt myself again and yet here I am, with a knife in my hand, cuts and bruises all over my body. I feel like I am turning completely fucking insane and idk what to do. Idk how to distract myself, how to make them stop. I just want to stop thinking. I miss being numb. I think I am turning insane",Depression +21125,Everyone around me can see how depressed I am. I cannot shake it. I honestly just hit rock bottom and I know this is it for me. I cannot even pretend to care anymore. I starve myself because I feel like I do not deserve to eat I am such a mistake. I have been getting drunk a lot to avoid getting back on drugs... My depression is BAD... so bad it scares the ppl around me. I think they know time is running up and the door is about to close forever. I have no friends. Which sucks when everyone tells me I am too attractive to not have friends.... whatever tf that means but I do not have friends and I honestly get so sick of everyone telling me I am too attractive to want to die... but guess what ?!?!I doI!!!!! I have no one. Not even my family. I have my mom but she does not understand my depression. I have my bf but he cannot always be here for me..... and I know my depression is too much for him at times but he just wants me happy. He deserves more then me.Idk how to express how I am feeling. I just feel dead inside and the thought of never having to wake up in this world again brings me so much joy....no matter what ppl say I will never feel good enough. I struggle with this EVERYDAY. But I finally hit my breaking point and idk if Any help can fix it. I do not want to be alive,Suicidal +21126,"I have wanted to die for more than half my life and the last few months have been the worst of 29 years of misery. I have been having breathing problems for a month and on Wednesday it got to the point where I needed medical attention. I was in the ER for 12 hours, alone, with no one to call who would give a fuck. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on how fucking horrible and inescapable the pain in my life is.And I know this is going to cost thousands of fucking dollars I do not have. My internet is getting shut off Tuesday, the electric on Friday. My breathing issue is not solved. And I have other significant health problems that are costing me money and I am doing all this stuff to get better and keep myself alive for no fucking reason. I am broke and alone and that is all Ill ever be. I wish I would have died on Wednesday. Had a medical emergency Wednesday, wish I had not gone to the hospital",Suicidal +21127,"I have always been told that I am like my father, for years I would disagree but I have finally realised I am. I cannot control my anger or drinking, I have insane and rapid mood swings. I have no empathy. I am a terrible person. I have been spending nearly all day applying for jobs so I can afford to survive but nothing. I have till the end of August to have a place to rent or else it is final. I have everything ready and I have no family to care. I have no next of kin either so no one will even need to know. I have failed like my father so many times but this will be something different than him. I will see death to completion. Realisation",Suicidal +21128,Rain is a pouring A mind with a cage inside (do not let anyone inside) Memories are nostalgic (Now I am dead inside) Love is a cancer (Eating its way inside)Know in the morning Ill pretend I am fine.. (No where to hide) Tell me nothing matters ( though Ill try to find) A meaning to life A poem I made,Depression +21129,"I turn 23 this year, I get my first apprenticeship next month, and In 2 years I will be finished with my education for good, its been a 7-8 year struggle and I feel as though I should be happy, but I do not, almost everyone I want to school with already finished this step in there life at 17-18 years old, wile I have been struggling with not taking my own life almost every day for the past 7-8 years and what do I have to show for it ? Mediocrity that is what I have to show, and I know this will be my life forward, and all I dreamed to he died a long time age, I cannot even dream or seek ambition anymore I have lost it I do not have that in my anymore, what is a person to strive for when they cannot even seek anything to strive for ? If 14 year old me saw me now, he would see what I see, a failure, sombody that is become everything we never wanted to be, I guess all i can do is wait to die, what a fucking life Almost anyone my age has done some much more",Depression +21130,"I have had my thoughts about suicide however I am trying to withstand them and not think about them.I do not have a good connection with my dad and I often think about how much happier I would be if my parents were together even though they split up for the benefit of them both. it is sad that I do not have a strong connection with my dad, In fact I do not really have a strong connection to anyone as no matter how hard I try or how hard I want to have a conversation with someone it goes barely anywhere and overall I am not very social and it really tears me down. I am also very self conscious and I do not like my looks, my thoughts, my actions and overall I do not like myself. I would have probably ended it all but I am still young and I do not want to harm my mom or my sister as I am close to them.Also recently my sister said "" I do not know what I would do if you were not here "" this really made me think about the impact of my suicide and also about how I tried my best to comfort her when she was self harming which helped her get out of the dark place she was in.I love my mother and sister dearly and they are the reason I am still here. I do not want to be alive but I do not want to be dead",Depression +21131,"I have been struggling with just hating life and myself. I do not want to call it depression because sometimes I am good and do not have these thoughts but I think this subreddit fits me the best.I thought that moving into a house from a tiny one bedroom would help me. There were too many bad memories there and the tiny size just left me feeling there is no way to escape. I ended up moving into a larger house 3+ bedrooms and it is just me and my son (on weekends).I thought moving location would help but now that I am in this house I just realize even more how alone I am. When it is just me here I look around and it is like my loneliness is hitting me in the face. Right now I am struggling because I have been separated with my son's mother because we had issues. Even so, I love her so much and being apart kills me inside. We have been separated for a while but we at least still talked and hung out. We had a fight and ever since then we have not been right. I want to be with her but she said she is not sure what she wants but is certain that she does not want a relationship at this moment. I totally understand that and do not want to force anything but it is hard going to like zero interaction with her and then the small amounts of time I do see her when she picks up our son or I drop him off. A few times in my life I have thought about killing myself and luckily always got through. I am trying hard to stay on the positive side but lately thoughts creep into my head about doing it again. I will look around to see what could support my weight to hang myself, I think about doing the running car in the garage thing, or even just buying a gun. I end up shaking my head and brushing those thoughts away but they are becoming more frequent and I am just scared that the amount of time that I have alone with myself that one time I will not brush it aside. At the same time though, my biggest motivation is my son and his mom and I could not stand the thought of hurting them in that way. It just sucks. New location Same Depression Vent",Depression +21132,"This post is not going to be about my vivid and memorable bad experiences, instead it is going to be more general; but if you want to learn about my current mental health status, read this post, it will be helpful: [ So, as I remember, it is going to be my second post in here; I just hope that I will not be ignored again, as just like the first post... As the title goes on, I especially hate my generation; not because I feel different from them, just because they are so cruel, shameful, and disgusting; as I see more hateful things done by people, from this generation, I just want to take my local gun and put a bullet in my head; I am a sensitive person, and I have situationally both predisposed and bound or cued panic attacks; I am being affected so much by tragic deaths, broken relationships, unexpected depressing messages, and much more crisis triggering things... I will give you a current example of me being in depression, feeling low, and why; there is a known event going on these days, a crime which happened two years ago has just went popular on social media again, it is going to be her death anniversary on ""**14th**"" of this month; shortly, just after two days; I do not want to give out more details about the murder because I feel bad and uncomfortable with it, and I will explain the connection between my sadness and this event. On her ""**Instagram**"" account, there is a picture posted two years ago today; and when I went to the comment sections, of all posts, they were just so many disgusting and hateful comments; there were people telling that she deserved it, and some of them also making fun of her death; and another strange thing was, there were so many people from my country flooding the comment sections, which is so goddamn strange; and yeah, some of them were trying to be like the other foreign people and making hateful comments, and the other half was just acting like they have known the event for a long time; after seeing those things, I once again, hated world and especially my countries people, then I learned that the people from my country were coming from **TikTok**, and from a recent popular hashtag in my country; I feel so bad and sad that they are people out there, using these types of events to receive more likes and followers, to receive more attention; and yeah, do not you ever ask me again why I hate social media so much, especially **TikTok**. I got affected by the event so much; and those comments, they was the spice of the thing; now I am feeling so damn low that I just want to end myself, I am done with everything, I just want to go and stab the murderer in the neck so many times; my anger about this type of events are just uncountabl, and because of my character and psychological personality, I always blame myself for such things and hate myself because I am not or were not able to do anything; like, I do not even want to continue to this article, I just feel low and do not want to type things on the keyboard... You got the point; this event was just an example, and the fact that I have much more things going on on my life right now; I am not suicidal, but I will not hesitate if I get a chance to end myself too... No matter if or how you just want to reach out, I will both answer to all of your comments and DM's; please do not hesitate to ask such things, they can be related to anything, I would love to answer your questions and clean up those question marks; and also, please do not also hesitate to share your thoughts, completely... My only wish is, just do not be too offensive; thanks. The world is a bad, disgusting, and a hateful place; I want to end myself just because of this...",Depression +21133,I really really need help. I am on the verge of committing suicide I do not know if Ill make it to tomorrow morning I do not know what to do Please help,Suicidal +21134,I am curious what makes you guys get up every morning and keep fighting. What gives you hope?,Suicidal +21135,"i told them they were the only reason i am alive. i love them so so so much and they genuinely are the only reason I am still here, bc i do not want to fuck up their life! they started crying. its the worst feeling ever. i hated it so much. i shut my eyes and held my hands over my ears to not see or hear their pain. definetly a core memory. i wish i hadent said it. i made my parents cry",Depression +21136,"I am 26 years old, have a full time job that pays well but I have moved back home to help save some money as well as assist my father as he gets older by also paying rent to assist financially without admitting that I am. My dad and his wife are happy with having me as I will be paying them rent and it means I get dinner each night and access to a car on weekends. However it comes with the consequence of my dad lecturing me about my future and reminding me of something I have already beaten myself up for; I am atrocious when it comes to saving.As per my recent diagnosis I have Major Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, and a Borderline Personality. I will admit it has been a challenge and overall rollercoaster of a time, when it is going good it is going great, and when it is not, well... Either way I have been massively impulsive with my spending since starting this job back in April as it is granted me a much larger paycheck, I even earn more than my father apparently as discovered in my most recent lecture this morning, whilst simultaneously inadvertently discovering my second oldest sister is still his favorite child because ""she is the only one who seems to get it right."" making me feel worse about my decisions and overall fearful for my future which I expressed as politely as possible to him. I also want to clarify that my father is not a bad person, he does care for me and does want to help, I honestly think he was just raised in a time where mental health was not a thing and he does not know how to deal with it and maybe it is even a little too late for him to learn, but he is a good person, he just can be a little... 'inconsiderate'. I find it hard to talk to him about anything for this reason, especially when his solution to happiness is to ""get out more"" or ""You need a good kick up the ass."" in a jovial but stern voice. I know lectures are sometimes a way people who struggle with expressing emotions show that they care or want to help, but it can be frustrating and demoralizing when he does despite trying my best to take it on the chin. At the end of the day I am an Adult and I made this decision on my own and am willing to accept the consequences that come with moving back home alongside the benefits. I do not mean to sound like an angsty teenage stereotype who hates their parents and I do not know what I wanted or planned to get out of posting this, maybe just someone to listen or know what is going on because I cannot really talk to anyone nowadays that is not paid to care. I love my dad, I remind him every day as I do with my brother and I wish I could with my estranged sisters... I just wish I guess that he could do the same without turning it into a lecture about my future which I have already overanalyzed a thousand times in my head.Peace, Love and Hugs to you all, and thanks for listening. I have moved back into my fathers place",Depression +21137,"Going to to acid next weekend. I have been prone to paranoid delusions and panic attacks, but I have always felt like the drug has helped me grow in the long run. I feel like it forces you to immediately confront your inner most thoughts, and there is great therapeutic value in this. I have nothing to say, really, just post experiences/precautions etc. Acid",Depression +21138,"I have never really made a post on here before but I feel as though I just want to get it out. I am very tired. I am emotionally drained. Nobody listens to me when I speak. They call me dramatic, angry or just a bore when I speak my opinion or advocate for others and then I am proven right and they will still act like that next time. I am constantly dismissed. Constantly labeled, gaslit and treated like some sort of crazy person. Saddest part is that I listen to them. I love them all and I sometimes do not think they do with me. This is not to negate the 1 or 2 friends who do listen to me but sometimes its just too much. I think I have somewhat died on the inside but its difficult to talk yourself off the physical edge. I hope one day I can move somewhere and cut everyone out of my life or that I die beforehand. To all those who can relate, I see you and I love you even if they will not. I am tired",Suicidal +21139,asking for a friend how much zoloft should i take to overdose,Suicidal +21140,"The people I care about I would assume, but what else? How I felt? I am already dead by then. Giving away possessions? Idk if I want to, not to hurt anyone by not doing it, but I like most of my things. What are the essentials? What do I need to include in my suicide note?",Suicidal +21141,"I cannot take it. I blame my mom for a lot at the moment and I just do not know if its justified or wrong or selfish or that I am right and I should have seen this a long time ago. My problems around a year ago were so trivial, so meaningliss. My problems now are unfixable. I blame my mom for them happening I cannot help it. Last year I started university. Within the first 3 weeks I realised the course was not for me. I told my mom hoping to get some support. Instead she texted my older brother who started saying I am stressing my mum out and that I have not given it a proper chance. He probably said some nice things as well but I cannot remember if he did. Those bits stuck out. I could have got my money back for the year and that ordeal would have been the end of it. I would have given university a go and I would have walked out feeling alright about myself, a bit of regret but alright. I had an okay first term, the second I just hated. Long story short the people I was meant to be living with next year were all scumbags. I did not want to go back in the third term and made that very clear. My mom probably cared but it did not matter, in her eyes I was being an idiot who was going to throw away another crappy opportunity. She screamed, cried and eventually I thought it would be better if I just went. Low and behold they were assholes and I came back. The third time I went back before I went I told her everything and she still thought I should go back. I decided to give it one more shot and it was the worst decision of my life. I got no help from the college. I now feel like a broken man. I resent my mom and brother, I feel like our relationship is truly broken. I do not want to be here anymore, I want to die I feel like if I leave home I will almost definitely kill myself as I have no qualifications and the best I will get is some studio apartment. I just want to die now. I truly for the first time in my life feel no fix. I am currently waiting for therapy but until then I thought it might do some good to get this on some page. *warning depressed rant bellow*",Depression +21142,I just want someone to tell me it is alright I got enough. That ending my suffering is a good thing. Just someone to understand. why cannot anyone just be on my side ?,Depression +21143,I am happier with being a cannibalistic necropedophile and I desire nothing more than human extinction now. I want to eat human flesh. I am a wendigo and I will burn with you all. I am going to kill my psychiatrist and rape his children in child snuff porn.,Suicidal +21144,"I do not know what to do anymore, my parents says Ill have to follow them for the rest of my time them and compared me to a fucking caveman because I just wanted long hair. Then they say people will look down upon me because if I had long hair because of their shitty stereotypes; because they are my parents I believe its true and now I just do not know what to do anymore. No matter what I do, from getting great grades, to repaying them they always somehow make me feel like shit just because I did something wrong. If I do not respond its probably because I already made the decisions to end it all. Please help.",Suicidal +21145,"Just like i knew it would. Happiness only last so long; it, like love, is temporary and conditional.I really do not think i have many more years ahead of me. If this year is not the one, i know another will be. That itch is coming back",Suicidal +21146,"Inb4 no, I am not trans and do not feel this way. But of I could choose what gender I would get before my birth I would love the other one I want to die because of my gender",Suicidal +21147,Let us be miserable together. No one wants your stupid advice. Just stop. All you want to be therapists need to just stop,Suicidal +21148,"I have a friend (for real) who has diagnosed severe deppresion.I always try to offer emotional support, guidance and try to make her forget her suicidal thoughts. I have also to say she is trans.Sometimes she enters a crisis. This might be the fourth one since I know her.I am really worried she is going to end it all.I do not know what else to say to her.she is also going to a psychologist, hormonating herself and to a psychiatrist sometimes.The problem is NOT only related to her being trans but past traumas.Please, help, I really am very afraid and do not know what to do.Thanks. (indirect) HELP",Suicidal +21149,"I self destruct in hopes of killing myself. I drive recklessly in hopes of being at least seriously injured. I numb out on substances to feel like I am not here. Its only a matter of time before I gain the courage to stop this tortuous cycle. For me and everyone around me. I am useless and, honestly, I think most of us are. Look around at the world we have created. there is nothing but suffering. So, why? Planning for inadvertent death",Suicidal +21150,When I get close to people they leave me or fight me I do not get why but I am not a rock I got feelings I already had bad childhood Got sexually harassed My dad used to beat me up scream at me I got no one that I can tell about this My confidence is low I hate myself I know that I would never change and this going to always happen to me do I just end my suffering what kills me the most how in the future when I have kids how can I raise them I am just a failure Getting ditched,Depression +21151,"I am done, and have been, for quite some time. Being a single parent though, ending it all has never been an option. But today I had an epiphany - if I did something that would permanently damage my brain / self, to the point where I do not have to live a normal life, but was technically still around, would this be a better option? I am fine being in a nursing home, I do not expect anyone in my family to take on the burden of caring for me, so I am kind of thinking this might be my answer. Now to research how to achieve this Is one better than the other?",Suicidal +21152,I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate being pathetic. I hate being nothing but a burden on myself and others. I hate everything. Why am I needy?,Depression +21153,"And I feel like a cunt for it, both of my parrents are lovely. Though I do not have a close emotional relationship with either. they are nice and supportive, but I do not know how to talk about my feelings, I never have with them.I just could never allow myself to bring them the pain of killing myself, were a tiny family, even extended, almost everyone has died of different diseaces, its just me, my parrents and 2 grandmas, every other uncle, aunt and grandad had diedI think my death would break them. My dad would manage I think, but my mom would not, and I feel trapped by that. I love her, but I want to be freeI want this freedom, but because I am so genuinely lucky to be loved by my family, I feel like I cannot make them feel that pain. And it makes me resent them almost, wich in turn makes me feel like the biggest dickhead on earth. I am basically annoyed with my family for loving meI just want to go I feel so burdened by my family",Suicidal +21154,I have had a bad last couple of days and today I feel just completely hopeless. I know its just going to keep getting worse as the night goes on and I do not have anyone to talk to. I know at the very least I am SH tonight.. I do not know if I am going to make it through tonight.,Suicidal +21155,"told him in the car while driving.idek anymore, he just told me that I need to go see a professional and he does not know what to do.fair enough.Idk what a professional is going to do, will I be sent to the hospital if I tell them I tried? idk today feels like a fever dream, I tried to die it did not work, so here I am the next day in school going about my day as if nothing happened. some part of me feels like I need to be in the hospital or talking to someone about this. But no here I am upset that it did not work. told my dad I tried to commit last night",Suicidal +21156,"A month ago I got dumped by a girl whom I thought was the one. I cannot convince myself things are going to get better. This is the final nail in my coffin after a history of heartbreak and depression. I never have any control over why my relationships end. They just end and I am never prepared for it. This weekend I started having my first panic attacks in a long time and they are worse than ever before. They last so long now. I know I am happiest when I am in a relationship and that definitely is not healthy. But it seems like my default mood when I am alone is depressed. For the past decade, I have gone in and out of feeling amazing and feeling the worst pain I know. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot see myself with a family in the future. I have too many trust issues and I do not know if I will be willing to open up again if I ever meet someone new.Are my emotions even valid? I just cannot get her out of my head this time and I want to end it all. Today I walked past a parking lot and stopped because I considered going to the top and throwing myself off. I am swelling with emotion and it is getting harder to hold it in.",Suicidal +21157,"My Goodbye NoteI am tired, I do not even know where to start, but I am tired. Ever since I was little, my dream has been studying and becoming a professional in a career I can be proud of. I was the type to take college classes in high school so I could expedite the process. When I got the opportunity to move the USA at the age of 15, of course I said yes. Yes, dad! Of course I want to go. The land of opportunity, the land of the free. It has been more than 10 years, and I have been anything but free. I am 26 years old, and I have not started my career. I am an illegal immigrant. I cannot graduate, drive or work (unless I do so illegally, which has never been my desire; breaking the rules has always been my worst nightmare). Doing the wrong thing completely paralyzes me. I do not suppose dad knew what he was doing when he moved us to this country. And yes, I could have left, but it does not work like that in our family, where the man of the house is the ruler and tyrant. Leaving meant having nowhere to go with no roof over my head or food in my stomach. I have always struggled to make friends, I guess they all have sensed the brokenness that is in me and ran the other way. As the months go by, my interest in people diminishes. I want to be left alone. do not talk to me, do not look at me, do not breathe on me (please ignore all this and love me anyways). Just give up on me and leave (please fight for me). I understand I am hard to love, which makes this decision a little easier. Dad, even though you were tough on me, I know you were just as broken as me. I do not want to follow in your footsteps. I tried. I really tried. But I am you. Mom, I love you so much and I am sorry. You do not deserve to lose your only daughter, but I cannot do this anymore. Hubby. You have tried your best to be patient and be there for me. But my presence is a burden that you do not deserve to handle. I hope you find love again. I know you will with that light that shines through you. I have realized that a life in which I contribute nothing but pain and strife is not worth living.I hope it will be a light, painless death. I will sleep and hope to never wake again. My Goodbye Note",Suicidal +21158,"My girlfriend (36) and I (28) are very in love, we do everything together and I am afraid she will kill herself once I am gone.We were about to move to Hawaii and get married there but unfortunately I was diagnosed with the most painful condition on earth (Trigeminal Neuralgia) and TMJ a year ago. Unfortunately there is no cure and I am in agonizing pain most of the time. I am bedridden, shaking, kicking, crying and screaming. My pain is 10 out of 10. it is like getting tortured in a basement somewhere, and getting my head bashed in with a sledgehammer on a daily basis.This is my life now, and I do not want it.I am still trying to convince her to let me go but it is not easy. I think she is kind of ignoring the situation and she believes everything will go back to normal soon.she is planning the move to Hawaii while I am planning for my own death.I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my body and mind will get erased from reality for ever, and it is fucking with my mind really hard.I would have loved to spend a few more years with this amazing girl, I had plans to travel the world and do amazing things with her, but I guess the universe had other plans for me.I am very concerned for my girlfriend's wellbeing. I have a feeling she will go completely insane once I am gone.it is going to be very hard on her, as we have been together 24/7 for quite some time now. we are inseparable.I want to make this transition as easy as possible for her. What should I do? I am getting euthanized soon, I am scared my girlfriend will kill herself once I am gone.",Suicidal +21159,"Throwaway because he uses reddit and knows my username. One of my friends has been severely depressed for almost a year now, and he is always been really down and stuff like that, but today he has been really happy and giving out of nowhere, it just seems weird to me i guess.should i be worried? Or is this a good sign? need some help",Depression +21160,"A lot of us like to self reflect on the past. Back when things were going great. When we had friends we cared for and the motivation to pursue knowledge. Back when the world made sense, because we viewed it with a different set of eyes. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end, and at this point in life we realize that things are not what they seem. All this effort goes towards nothing of meaning. Our systems are causing distress, our currency is killing people and dividing nations, while simultaneously providing rich people with a bunch of excessive waste of resources. Everything we are told to desire is unrealistic or unnecessary. At this point, happiness has a price, and that price is to turn your face away from everything unpleasant, ignoring the truth. Blindly following corporate orders just to go home with a paycheck. This is no way to live.We had the potential to be great. A lot of us used to be intelligent, empathic and happy people. We all had our reasons for giving up, but the point is that we were able to live amazing lives, and i believe that a lot of us are able to do it again. A lot of the people on this sub are young. The competitive nature of the academic world puts great pressure on us young people. This is not a good thing, but the fact that some of us are not fully developed means that there is hope. Our bodies and brains sometimes behave in weird unpredictable ways, and the truth is that we do not know a lot about it, even if it might seem like the opposite. At some point, our chemical balance could be restored. we will also learn as time passes, just like any other person, making us better at tackling the tough times. This means that we could get our lives back, although perhaps in an altered way to make up for the damage. I believe that the psyche surpasses everything else in terms of importance. An unhappy human is barely a human at all. It makes us rotten, and the negativity is contagious. it is a tough and unfair battle, so please, listen to yourself before anyone else. If you need a day, a week or even a year to become yourself again, please take the time to do so. Life is short, but we do not what it to become even shorter because of the constant despair.Finally, let us all remember those who did not make it. These people fought hard against nature and time, but despite their great efforts, life was simply too much. let us not grief about what has happened. let us instead remember that all of these people were so intelligent, loving and caring that the world could not keep up. Instead, it trapped them in a dark hole and gave them tunnel vision.Keep fighting, stay strong, and do not let nature dictate.No one can promise that it ever gets better. It might even get worse, but you never know what life has in store for you. let us all appreciate the good days that was, and the good days to come.",Depression +21161,"I have had depression and anxiety since 14 and since then it just got worse, probably have bipolar depression and social anxiety now. Been going to a doctor for 2 years now and the pills helped but only to point where I actively do not plan my suicide of am hour every day. I tried claim for disability benefits since I basically have panic attacks and self harm when too stressed and break down for few hours after doing anything outside among people (try to help home by shopping sometimes) but was told my productivity was lowered only by 10% and you need 30% to be accepted disability of first level. Do you think I should get disability benefits or am I just lazy faking attention whore that just does not want to work? When should someone receive disability benefits?",Depression +21162,JUST FUCK ALL EUROPEANS FUCK EUROPEANS,Suicidal +21163,"Seriously. Fuck this shit. Not as much as a hbd message on snapchat to acknowledge me. Fucking hate it here My Friends Forget Its My Birthday, I say Forget Them, Ill Focus On Myself and Get Some Acid To Cheer Me Up, Them My Plug Forgets Me Too Guess Ill kill myself then.",Suicidal +21164,"For those who are not aware, England lost in the final game of the European Championships tonight, and I am obviously extremely disappointed, but I find myself wondering *why* I am in this position. I have sort of accepted that the best way I can manage what seems to be a life-long depressive disorder is to accept that things are basically as they are, and I do not have the capacity to change them - unfortunately, I do not have the strength of character or will to make meaningful, long-term changes to improve myself or my conditions, and opening myself up to hope of things improving or getting better *always* seems to be the first step towards distressing disappointment and feeling much worse. As crap as it sounds, I think accepting a constant state of low-level misery may be better than letting myself get excited at the prospect of wins, which then leads to things getting far worse when they inevitably do not pan out as hoped. Is avoiding the risk of relationships, new jobs, and new challenges the way to go? When medicated, I can just about manage being myself. I do not think I have the capacity to handle any serious slings and arrows that come from taking risks. Football and Wider Reflections",Depression +21165,I texted my mom that I did not want to be here anymore. Silence. Told my friend. Silence. I bet if i did it though they would be telling everyone they wish they saw the signs. I just find that to be funny.. that is all. Funny how No one cares about suicide until the person actually does it.,Depression +21166,"The 10th person in a year is probably going to leave today so it is time for the plans... I hoped this would not happen yet its here 8 months after starting it, and I am deadset, I just want to die and she is giving me the relief and reason to do it, now I just have to start. I am already dead",Depression +21167,"I just turned 19 in March and moved cross country start my life on my own. I have got what I consider a very well paying job, but Iiving is rough. I have not really made any friends except a few coworkers. Its hard living in a city where everyone is so happy and with someone, yet here am I alone and unhappy. From the outside people know me as a go getter, hard worker, someone who is got it made. My friends back home were all wow man great job dude, you have got your life laid out right in front of you. The thought of suicide usually pops into my head a few times a day. I should not be having these thoughts, I have got it made right? I have never come close to committing but I feel as though one day I could go through with it. what is wrong with me? Are suicidal thoughts normal?",Suicidal +21168,"What the title says. I wish there was like an encyclopedia of specific, practical advice for newly depressed people. I hate this vague woo-woo ""just go for a walk and feel better, maaaan"" shit that is online when you look up help. I cannot see an actual therapist right now for a variety of reasons (namely, those reasons are ""too poor and too American to afford it"" and ""my family would flip the absolute fuck out"")I wish someone would have told me how quickly your teeth begin to rot from even just short periods of being too miserable to brush them. Or how common overeating (or undereating in other people) is and gave me specific ways to manage it before I gained so much weight. Or how all it takes is the absolute *smallest* inconvenience to put you on the verge of a breakdown. The other day I almost screamed in public over my earbuds having dead batteries! Or how depression's not even 100% emotional - the worst symptom for me at this point is not even the sadness, it is the constant blankness in my mind and inability to focus. Or how, after long enough, depression begins to *physically* show as well. I have dark circles that never go away and permanently bloodshot eyes. People ask if I am sleep deprived all the time regardless of how long I slept.Bleh. Sorry for the long and probably incoherent rant. But yeah. Next time I read some unhelpful, non-specific ""channel your emotions into something positive"" (without even telling you how to do that!) I am going to explode. I hate how vague and useless all the resources online are. (long-ish)",Depression +21169,Wow! First of all I am not a huge football fan. I was aware of the final today obviously but OH MY GOD! I am English and there is so much hate everywhere! I am having an episode right now as there is just hateful comments everywhere. it is really getting me down. I just do not understand hating someone purely for where they are from. I did not choose any of this but apparently it is great and hilarious to say how hated the English are. So much hate!,Depression +21170,you can c me posting lewd pics of myself on reddit. nothing matters 2me anymore. i do not plan to c 2022. & when i die everything will be nothing again. & it will be like I have never existed like I have never experienced any of this. no pain. no suffering. just nothing. when I am dead. i no longer care,Suicidal +21171,"I have summer school, because will failed every class this year, I have already went through two sessions of summer school, I am fully willing to admit its my fault, but I hate being in school, I would rather die than do this next one, I am sick of school, it makes me anxious, depressed, and scared about my future that I already know I do not have, and I do not need reminders, I truly would rather die, am I wrong? Am I the only person who feels like that with summer school? Knowing its my fault for being so dumb? I do not want to go to school tomorrow",Depression +21172,My GF left suddenly saying that she was not ready for a relationship. I know this reason is not true simply due to the time we had spent together. I feel completely lost and confused. I have lost all motivation and drive. I do not want to eat and just get drunk all the time now. I hate my life and just want to disappear. I have let so many people down and feel like this is just one more person to disappointed and unhappy with me to stay around. She left for no reason,Depression +21173,"Hey all...I have been struggling with depression for a few years and recently it is been making living daily life incredibly difficult. My girlfriend suggested I try medication (along with therapy), but I am scared and do not know what to do. I want to be able to take care of it by myself...any and all advice is appreciated. Medication?",Depression +21174,"Title basically... Just do not want to fail and then have nothing left for me on the other side, I guess If someone were to attempt and not succeed, how would that work out with your job?",Suicidal +21175,"I am just so fucking tired, my head is pounding and my feet are still shaking, it is so fucking hot working inside that tiny food-truck, I should have worked at burger king or something, just as intense but at least you get breaks, some time to relax and eat and actually get water to drink!and more pay too!I used to be really into the idea of suicide but at-least now I have some sort of hope of just continuing with hobbies and what not, but fuck me, I can barely bear this shit right now, it is just perfect timing too ya know, just when I am losing my fucking mind I have to work this intense ass job having to deal with costumers all day and everything around me getting fucked, cannot go an hour without something going wrong.And I always get scolded and criticized on every minor detail just how it was like growing up, it is so fucking exhausting.I want to bash my skull into something, I feels like my head is in a vice and I just need to BREATHE!!There is barely any air in that place and I have to wear a thick mask all day for corona and shit.I wish I could function like a normal person like my coworkers, but there is so much on my mind and I feel so much pressure on myself to do a perfect job, I just cannot bear it.&#x200B;Rant over I guess.. &#x200B;&#x200B;No wait! I hate the summer too, fucking heat... I want to fake a suicide to skip work, i hate it.",Depression +21176,I have all the tools in life to succeed and I am not it is so cliche but everyone in my life would be better without me I am just so tired and apathetic and all I want to do is sleep I am so fucking done,Suicidal +21177,"Things are just stacked against some people from the start. I did not have a happy childhood, I was severely depressed and bullied hard through high school, college was a downward spiral.I am in my mid-20s with a low contact family and no real friendships. My only dating history was a year-long abusive nightmare. My job is so high-stress its causing physical illness. I have been so depressed for so long that I cannot even pretend to have interest in doing anything at all.Therapy helped early-on but its just stagnated, I have stayed alive but nothing has meaningfully changed. Medication is the same. Adding yet another to the cocktail brought me from being in constant pain to feeling absolutely nothing at all. I honestly think its worse. I want to kill myself just as badly, and I no longer have the constraint of being to exhausted to do so.And I mean really, what is the point? I drag myself through days/weeks/months of this until eventually I die? I have felt this way for 17 *years*. The best life has to offer is chucking pills down my throat to give me some false sense that life is not just immeasurable pain. there is nothing in my life to be happy or content about and I am just expected to numb myself into oblivion and pretend its better. I hate it. This is the best life can offer. What a joke",Suicidal +21178,i had a fight with them bc i have apparently been acting really mean lately and i think is bc of what has been in my mind lately but now they have given me a second opportunity and I am not sure if i should tell them should i tell my friends what is in my mind??,Suicidal +21179,Every. Single. Day. Is becoming increasingly harder.I do not know anymore. I do not think I will live to see my 20s. Its getting worse,Suicidal +21180,When I finally end it what will it feel like? Will I be cold? Will I finally feel at peace? Will it hurt? I guess there is only one way to find out. What does dying feel like?,Suicidal +21181,"Hey all,I am not diagnosed with everything, but from what I know, my father turned to be suicidal and acted weird. He was clever and awesome programmer but hurt my mother several times...I am fine, most of the time, I am good with computers too and over all, people find me nice and good looking. And mostly I may even consider myself as successful student. But depression hits me hard often. Many many times, I am thinking about death. I am not suicidal and I am not going to harm myself under any condition. But if death would come, snap and nothing,... You know... I am quite like okay... I feel often like my actions does not matter and I am just getting towed by life into things. I do not know how to express things... I just feel burned out often while being 21 year old student with cannot really complain life... Once got enough to talk to one person about it. She said I can not run from my genes... But I do not think that is true, or I hope so... But my deep times are maybe opposite of what I hope for. Over all, I am not happy while living happy life... would not mind dying even thou considered quite successful",Depression +21182,"My relationship ended and I am spiralling into a depressive episode.I am contemplating suicide, and last night I took 500mg of an SSRI. It only made me puke out my dinner.I do not want to wake up tomorrow and go to work. I want it all to end.But imagine the social repercussions of going to a psych ward. Should I check myself into the psych ward?",Depression +21183,"I am only 15 years old, so I should be happy, right? Wrong. My entire life, I have felt like the world just hates me. Here are a few examples, my dad died of an overdose when I was 4 years old, my family struggle to afford food at night, my mum struggles from alcohol addiction, and cannot be bothered to get help. I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me, but at times, I feel like I cannot talk to her in public, without looking like a pedo (which just to clarify, I am not). The reason why I think this, is because both me and my sister, are mixed-race. My dad was white British, and my mums black Jamaican. Me and my sister look very different, in the fact that she is quite dark skinned, but I am a lot more paleThank you for your time I just want to kill myself",Suicidal +21184,I might as well not exist to some people and I know its probably my fault somehow but its just so tiring. Having people build your hopes up only to knock them down and the fact I wake up in the morning at all; let alone get ready and do things with myself is a fucking miracle.I really hate my body and everything inside it I wish I could shapeshift into someone loveable being inside it feels like a prison and I cannot describe it. I am sorry I hate being perceived only to be ignored,Suicidal +21185,"It is not a permanent feeling, but once a week or so, i get really beaten down by my own feelings. There is so much in me that came together over the years, and i do not really have that close of a friend which i can talk to, to get some relief for myself.I am a Farmer, but i often feel like i am at the wrong place. I really like working on our farm, but i hate working with my father. With every move i make, i feel like i am beeing tested and controlled from my father. He knows so damn much about all the machines and he seemed to have so much hope in me. I always had good grades and everybody always told me that i was the most intelligent person they knew, but only in theory. When i need to do it in real life, i fuck everything up. I always make the dumbest mistakes that are possible. I am also not a very good listener, i always seem to be in some sort of ""daydream"" leading to me overhearing or seeing the simplest details ans instructions. I am scared. I do not feel like i am capable of handling the farm. I am a pathetic, weak and fat man.I just recently hurt a friend i was partying with. I, almost violently, forced her to drink another shot of alcohol with me. I was very drunk, everybody else was too. Normally i do not such things. She probably laughs about this situation know, she more or less took it as a joke, but i hate myself. I hate myself for what i have become back then, what an egocentric and egoistic person the alcohol made out of me. I also feel like i am very annyoing. I am somewhat of a comedian in our group, but i feel like i am becoming annoying really fast.I just needed to release all this. I do not have a person i can talk to about my insecurities. I feel like a failure. I wish i was never born. Relief for me",Depression +21186,"i wish i could take better care of myself, i feel so much dread when I am awake. i get in these episodes where my brain is fuzzy and it seems like I am in another dimension, one filled with nothing but despair. i lay in the shower at those time and then i lay on the floor. I am only 18.. i feel like I am wasting the most important years of my life. I am so lonely, I am constantly thinking about the future, the past, and i do nothing to fix either of them. i feel like I am nothing, I am so useless and unimportant. i hate who i am and who I have been, i know i can change but i do not even know how to change the things i do not like myself. utter hopelessness",Depression +21187,"i love you, but it hurts. you will never understand. I am tired of pushing a life that is not meant to be lived. no one understands",Suicidal +21188,"I recently started a job that has been unbelievably stressful. No work life balance, unrealistic deadlines, and a ton of shit to do with no downtime. I have been doing it for four and a half months and I am back in a depressive state.I am starting to withdraw from everything I love, my family, mother, girlfriend, and my friends. I have no energy to give to any of them. I am moving within myself and I am miserable on a day to day basis. I do not know how to cope. I should add this is my first real job, and the adjustment has been tough.I do not know what to do, it has made me lose sleep, connections with others and everything in between. I find myself alone often times because I get anxious around others.I am seriously concerned. I should add that I have a therapist and they are amazing, but I do not know how to cope with this internal stress, i feel tortured. I have been depressed o but not in a long while. Anyone with advice or in a similar situation would really be helping me out here. I am cracking under pressure",Depression +21189,"Currently I am 25 and I am working in a bookstore, I started 3 years ago after leaving university. I like my job but the start was rough. So right now, I still live in the same house as my parents but a separate apartment in it. And the older I get, the more I realize that my parents are far from perfect and a lot of issues I have with my mental health come from their behavior. I have a very small family, only my parents and two grandma's with dementia. Long story short, my parentd are very protective of me, so a lot for me and almost always at home a d talking to me. Because of that, I have no skills, no ambition, no self esteem, no privacy. I want to move out anf maybe move far away, maybe even change jobs and become something else because working I retail is bad for my anxiety.And here is the problem when ever I tell people this, they ask me, well no problem, you will learn to live on your own and what do you love to do, that is your next job! Think is, I hab eno passions. I never learned to fight for something, instead I give everything up. Because bullying I have a hard time making friends, let alone keeping friendships. All three friends I have rn are living far away. I have no job or career path that sounds like fun to me. I am not made to work the same shit 40 hrs a week. there is nothing I want to do. Besides that, I have no experience in life because my parents do everything for me, I am afraid that if I move out I would call them 5 times a day, either because I need help or because I feel bad for leaving them. My life has nur purpose or sense. I am turning more and more into the person that normal people make fun of. I am joking ill be a weird cat lady when I am older but it is less and less funny. I am pathetic. And if I ask older people for advice all they say is that it will get better once I move put and that I can still find my passion and my I dependency, which helps me not at all. I am not even asking for help here because I feel like I am a person that cannot be helped. I am not made for life. I need to get this off my chest because I cannot tell this anyone in person. I have no goal in life, nothing I love or am good at. My life does not have a purpose.",Depression +21190,I cannot take this anymore. I am sorry but I have nothing else where I can write. I just want an end to this endless pain please it is just too much,Depression +21191,"I stopped seeing my therapist last march because I really started feelinf better due to the lockdown. No pressure, no nothing. It was like heaven. I summer I truely felt good again, started caring for myself, lost tonnes of weight, devloped my own style, had the best year ever 2020. Met a girl december 2020, fell in love, was the happiest man in the world for a solid 6 months. Out of nowhere, she broke up. Told her to think about it, explained myself, she started gaving me false hope, today she said it would probably never happen. Invited a diff girl over, just tryinf to feel loved, we drank 2 bottles of wine and she told me nothing beyond friendship would happen. How do you go on from here? Everything good in the last year has led up to this point, to all my dreams& hopes and belives being shattred. I have risin from the depression and still fell down yet worst than before. I feel like there is just not point. It only gets worst. How can humans suffer so bad and how do they carry on? I have never felt so down, even when I was hospitalized for clinical Depression with sucidal tendencys",Suicidal +21192,"I feel completely lost with things. Too many overwhelming things have happened at once and I feel like there is so much that I cannot even process it anymore. I have kept everything together for my friends and family but I just feel like everyone takes and takes from me. I have always had issues with depression and anxiety but something changed in me a few years ago when I went through a profoundly traumatic loss, followed by several other less-traumatic-but-still-traumatic losses. I did not seek out help because I was busy trying to help the people around me cope with their feelings, because that literally has always been my role to anyone, someone who makes things better and takes care of everyone. I still deal with the grief but more or less deal with it by crying a few times a week which really helps. Life was kind of sorting itself out in late 2019; in a relationship that seemed to be amazing, work was going well, I was done with graduate school and basically enjoying life other than some boredom here and there. Things really started going downhill in Feb 2020. I did not handle the shutdowns well because everything closed around me, and I started getting anxious about needing dental care or something and not being able to go in. My boyfriend also started becoming super withdrawn and it was really difficult for me to not be able to help him more because I genuinely did everything I could, like he told me to ease up on him and to want less and this and that, I did everything he asked. A lot of our relationship died during that period but we stayed together because overall we were good and he kept saying that if I made the changes he asked and his stress went down that we could go back to being how we were in the beginning. So I did all of that. But it did not change anything. And it kills me to know that he gave infinitely more to his ex even though she was a genuinely bad person, like it makes me feel like I must be just completely awful.At the same time, I had a huge fight with my best friend and we did not talk for months, I almost lost my main job, I lost my side job, it was just a really bad period of time. Things started getting a little better in fall 2020 and then throughout the spring of 2021 I felt overall better. This all pretty much drastically changed about a month ago. My boyfriend and I had a fight but instead of reconciling as normal, he remained distant and remains distant. I have tried to talk to him about it so many times but he acts like I am berating him, when I am not, I just want to try to work things out. Around this time, I started getting vertigo and weird dizziness, which is really disturbing to me, and which does not seem to be completely related to the anxiety as it remains even when I take Klonopin, do yoga, or talk myself through the anxiety. Shortly after that, I tried to confide about it to my best friend and my mom but all my best friend said was you Googled too much and all my mom has to say is stuff like, oh, treatment will probably help but how much will it help? I feel utterly devoid of life. I am effectively housebound because of the dizziness and I get dizzy if I even go for a walk outside. I cannot do any of the stuff that I used to love doing, like going to the store, going outside, playing video games, any of it. All I have looked forward to all year was Halloween and Christmas 2021 and I was super excited that Halloween stuff was starting to come out in stores and that movie theaters were opening up (two of my favorite things to entertain myself with). I can no longer participate in exploring either of these hobbies and it kills me. Like its so soul-crushing to have had these things I have used to hold onto my sanity for the past year and a half, and now its..gone. I am so anxious about having to do tests and stuff to possibly find out what is causing my dizziness and what if I cannot even find a treatment for it? What if I go through the tests and it makes it worse? I feel so isolated and just completely hopeless about everything. All I can think about is how much more comforted Id be if the ones I lost a few years ago were still around. I am exhausted that I have constantly given so much of myself to others and now I just.. like beg for scraps of something back from them. I just feel like I cannot deal with any of it anymore. I cannot deal with this future of medical issues. I cannot deal with trying desperately to find support from people who really do not seem to give a shit. I am struggling with the loss of what I had with my boyfriend and with not even being able to talk it out with him to try to fix stuff. I have all of this energy that I used to give him that now has nowhere to go because he does not want it and I am tired of giving it just to have strained conversation or excuses for why he cannot love me more in return. My confidence is completely shot because I gave all of my entire soul to him and I was turned down many times for over a year now. My days and nights are consistently so lonely and I feel even more lonely now that I cannot even leave the house because I am so afraid of being dizzy and passing out or something in public. I just want to sleep forever and wish I would. I literally cannot go through even another week of this and I just want it to end. Completely tapped out and nobody to turn to anymore.",Depression +21193,I am sad so I came here and It always makes me feel better knowing I am not alone In how I feel. you are all great people worrying about others and making them feel validated. Thank you for what you people do and this sub. Its always good to see that someone did not die when they were set on It. Dear SuicideWatch,Suicidal +21194,"My death will be a relief from this hell no matter how many crocodile tears you cunts she would for me. If I have to hurt people to get my death, so be it. I have been hurt my entire life, you fuckers can tolerate getting rocks bashing your useless grey matter in.&#x200B;Fucking worthless cattle that deserve to die, we all are. Trapped in psychiatric hell loop in Alberta with dumbass Karen ""family""",Suicidal +21195,Just venting here for a bit. My sleep schedule has been really messed up because depression so i keep getting nightmares and stuff. I get them so frequently that I get used to them so I do not even react or wake up from them immediately. They just play out but they are weird as hell. Does anyone else relate to this? Garbage Sleep Schedule + Insomnia,Depression +21196,"i knew not to open Instagram and look at your new gf's VSCOi knew it- I knew it would destroy me and it didit was the last drop that made me overfill- I cannot I cannot I cannot she now has my hair- short, brown, and curly SHE FUCKING LOOKS LIKE MY DOPPLEGANGER for fucks sakethe way you look at her, with love with admiration with affection as if she is the sun in your sky. it should have been me. for all the time i spent on studying things YOU liked- fucking history and shit, for all the other men and friends I abandoned to make more time for you, all the insults i did not take personally so that we could laugh them off, you emotionally abused me, you manipulated me, you told me i was imagining things that were real! I EVEN FORGAVE YOU FOR CHEATING ON ME with my friend!you took my pride, my dignity, my time, and my soul, you took it all until i was no more. that is murder. I am a dead woman walking at this point and the worst part is? it was for NOTHING it was for you to adore and love your new gf after I have gone through shit to be with youhow could you use me, to give you attention, to give you a shoulder to cry on, as a fucking therapist and then discard me like a disposable glovei hate you for what you did to me I hate what you turned me into and now you are not even here to deal w the consequences, you get to live your best life while i suffer i cannot do this anymore i really cannot my god i was so naive to think that you meant it when you said you loved me destroyed then abandoned",Suicidal +21197,"it is a never ending cycle and all I do is get worse. I get seen my the mental health team weekly after coming out of a mental health hospital in Feb, been with mental health teams since I was 13 I am 22 now and they do fuck all. My life is awful. Plain and simple I feel like no one truly listens to me, my mood swings are unbearable and I just cannot stop thinking of self harm and suicide. Self harm as a punishment for not killing myself yet or failing. My options are leave everything and do not come back, walk until I cannot anymore, kill myself or suffer. I have been told different things like, it is extreme depression and anxiety or psychosis, now it is a personality disorder and I am just like????? Okay?? Which one is it?? Part of me feels like there is no point writing this. I might even have the courage to do it who knows. I seriously do not get the fucking point.",Suicidal +21198,"Like, wow. Think of suicide everyday for the past year. Half that year was chronic suicidal thoughts. I decided I wanted end my suffering. I went online and bought the drug. It arrived. I have it in my hands, its easy access. All it takes is a little and I will not even know I am dead. Thinking to myself, wow its that easy, huh? And then I am dead, which makes suffering no longer existent. Everything is fine now. But no, its much more hard than that. You have the permanent solution in the palm of your hands, all you have to do is take it, and your desire is met. I came to realize I do not want to die, I just want to end my suffering. Thinking of suicide and a plan is a walk through a walk. When presented with the permanent solution in your hands, it becomes the most difficult thing ever to commit.",Suicidal +21199,This might be important is 3 anadin tablets lethal to anybody below the age of 18 Anadin tablets below 18,Suicidal +21200,"I am only 15 years old, so I should be happy, right? Wrong. My entire life, I have found like the world just hates me. Here are a few examples, my dad died of an overdose when I was 4 years old, my family struggle to afford food at night, my mum struggles from alcohol addiction, and cannot be bothered to get help. I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me, but at times, I feel like I cannot talk to her in public, without looking like a pedo (which just to clarify, I am not). The reason why I think this, is because both me and my sister, are mixed-race. My dad was white British, and my mums black Jamaican. Me and my sister look very different, in the fact that she is quite dark skinned, but I am a lot more pale. This next problem might seem a bit petty, but it still effects me. So like I have said, I am English, and I also like football (soccer), and I am just so annoyed at all the memes saying haha, fuck you england. I am not so annoyed at the fact we lost, but rather how people are making fun of us all. Thank you for your time I just want to kill myself",Suicidal +21201,"I need it but I do not want it.. idk what to do about it.I was on a funeral recently and it just broke me even more.The consistent pain I feel is something that is slowly getting worse and harder to ignore/work withAnd yet at the same time I am too scared to just end it or seek helpI know online tests are not really perfect or whatever but no matter what tests how many questions or how many tests it always comes down to severe depression, anxiety disorders and borderline.. I do not know what to do anymore I want to break free of this body and this shit show of a life.The last time I stood on my balcony at night I walked up to the railing and just thought how it would feel to finally jump mid thought I just broke down and grabbed that railing as hard as I could and started crying cuz I could not do it.Everything is going down a shit hole. I started with self harm again even though it is just scratching or using a screwdriver really hard.I just do not want to be here anymore. I do not even live at home but I want to run away somewhere nice... I do not even need a life there I just want to run away to a nice place and maybe end it or just chill I cannot even decide between that.. I am so fucking broken I need help, but...",Depression +21202,"I found out I have hsv1,my keeps trying to fuck .my birthday is tomorrow.I just want to die About to kill myself",Suicidal +21203,"What am I supposed to be fearing regards to death? The religion I was raised in says it will be a deep sleep. Science tell me it will not be anything. But for some reason I still cannot do it. Let me not say for some reason the truth is I know why. I am a pussy. Honestly, I cannot take my life in to my own hands because I am a pussy. I do not want to try to live my life out of this religion because I am a pussy. I cannot tell anybody how I feel about the religion because I am a pussy. Instead of just shutting up and moving on I am here because I am a pussy. I know I am weak yet i still cannot penetrate my skin with my knife. Why? Because I am weak, I cannot do it because I am weak. All I have to do is endure pain for a couple of minutes and I will not feel anything anymore, yet I still cannot do it. I lost my god, I lost the one person that always had my back. I lost jehovah. I have been with out him for 6 months, trying to pretend I am not sad. Telling my self that I am ok. I know I am not but whining about it on a forum is not going to help, yet here I am. I do not even have fucking friends, all I have is people on a server. They do not even care for me, they care for a username. I wish there was just a button to press to die. I with there was a bus or train to stand in front of. I wish I had a gun to go out in a painless way. But no, I do not have any of that stuff. I have a box cutter and a pocket knife. I keep pressing it against my skin but I am not man enough to break. I am a pussy. I am not strong",Suicidal +21204,"After years of suffering from depression, I decided to seek help from a talk therapist as well as from a psychiatrist. After a few meetings with the psychiatrist, and my labs coming back normal/healthy, we talked about medications. His first recommendation was a low dose of Lithium, as he believe my level of depression will best be treated by Lithium (300mg to start.) Not looking for medication recommendations, but was wondering if anybody had experience with Lithium salts as a treatment for depression? TIA. Lithium Salt prescribed to treat Depression?",Depression +21205,"I have hit another low point in life again and i now have to start taking my antidepressants again after I quit since Jan this year. I forgot how the side effects always kick in hardest when you first start it. I have not slept for the past 2 days at all, feeling hungry and restless and I am so fucking tired. I am a student too, and it makes it so hard for me to focus on work (both at home and in school)I just wished I did not let myself get to this state again. I wish that I could have realised earlier that I had only been coping with my issues, not healing from them :/ restarting on antidepressants again and it sucks",Depression +21206,"I do not feel myself alive for a long time, no matter what i do. I have no desires for suture anymore, and no desire to continue this worthless and painful travel forwards. Nothing to live for - I have none of those reasons to live which you all read a lot in posts and on websites. My thoughts are about death, my night dreams are often about death. I have no desire to go further with life - to plan something, to do something, to dare... I am tired of it.I hope I will find strength to end my life this Summer. Then I will have peace and rest finally. I almsot feel that I should have killed myself long ago",Suicidal +21207,"I am slowly surrendering to the thought I will never be completely happy. I do not even know why I am writing this, I was watching the football match between Italy and the UK and while everyone was cheering for our team's victory, I felt so lost and out of touch, it was like everything was slowing down around me, I could not feel anything and seeing everyone so happy, made me feel so much pain, the thought that I will never reach anything like that made me feel so scared and so terribly devastated. I just wanted express my feelings to someone because in my life I do not have anyone who could really understand, a lot of empathetic faces with a smile, but no one that really knows how it feels. I feel the tears on my eyes, my breath is caught in my throat. The thought of ending it is non stop in my mind but I know that I will not ever do it, I do not want to hurt anybody and making others happy I will continue to suffer inside. I am sorry for how badly this is written but my mind is a fog right now, there is so much more I feel the need to say, but so little I can actually say. I feel defeated. I am giving up.",Depression +21208,"I often had suicidal thoughts, recently, with the appearance of a loved one, they stopped ... But he sometimes strangles himself and ... If he dies, then I will kill myself right away ... how to dissuade a person from strangling himself? how to dissuade a person from strangling himself?",Suicidal +21209,I would not get married and have kids. Not that I do not love my kids but I am so depressed and just tired I feel like I cannot be a good mom for them. And I feel bad for bringing them into this shitty ass world. And I can already see symptoms of anxiety in my son and I feel bad that he is going to be miserable his whole life like me. Really if I could go back in time I should have just killed myself the first time I wanted to. Everyone would be better off. If I could go back in time,Depression +21210,when i get home i want to get the kitchen knife and cut so i can feel the pain and just see the blood. i just really fucking want to cut but i know ill regret it later like i always do. how do i stop wanting t o. help how do i stop wanting to cut,Suicidal +21211,"I, I do not think Ill be around till the end of tonight. If I am, cool. If I am not, I deserve it I guess. I deserve all of this. I cannot function as a member of this society, I cannot function as a good friend, a good student, or just a good person. Its my fault that I cannot be good enough, that I will never be good enough. I am sorry mom. You really should have had a better child. A loving and caring daughter who could show you she loves you. Not this bitter, resentful freak. Ill always love you to bits and I wish I could tell you that. I am sorry Maya. I am sorry everyone. I just could not do this anymore. I am also sorry to Dan, for having to read this. I did not know how else to say goodbye without concerning anybody too fast. you have been the best friend I could never ask for. Goodnight, world. I am out. -Francis. Well",Suicidal +21212,"Currently in a extreme sucidal state cannot take it anymore. I so fucking mad. I sat my fat Ugandan balls down on for over 120 minutes and England lost. I need a slow and painful death, cheap and easy and can be done with multiple casualties. England lost the finals",Suicidal +21213,"But then it just hits me, like a wave. Suddenly counting all my pills, Googling the lethality of each. Wishing I had not thrown away my last blade. Fuck man. I thought I was actually doing better I have been doing so good...",Suicidal +21214,"I have had anxiety and depression since I was a kid. My mom left me with my grandmother months after I was born and moved away. My father left the picture before I was born. I always felt so alone and always felt like it was my fault. Like I was not loved or wanted and just there. I am an adult now, married to the man I love more than anything but have always acted as if everything is ok. Always acting strong when deep down I feel so tired and weak and hide it as much as I can. I have broken down in front of my husband once but when I did, I felt so vulnerable it made me feel so much worse about myself. Feeling like he deserves better than me and constantly over think why is he with me. They say you need to love yourself first before you can lover others, but how can you do that when you get pushed down no matter how hard you try to get back up. I was bullied a lot as a kid, taken advantage of, and has made me feel even more and more worthless. I tried to end it all by taking pills once but it did not work and thought maybe it meant I had a second chance at life and things would get better. As I became a teenager, I continued to be bullied. Had no friends, struggling in school since I felt like I did not fit in and made feel stupid even from teachers. Got to high school and it just got worse. I moved away to a new school, new faces, and depression grew more. I made some so called friends that never wanted to hear about how I felt. They were all so positive yet I was the negative one since I just never felt like I fit in anywhere. As an adult, I have no friends at all. Everyone i know is married with kids and always asked when I will have kids. I do not feel like having kids is an options. I am scared of the thought of bringing a child to a world and have them go through the same thing I did. My job gives me so much anxiety on a daily basis. I work with all men who look at me like I do not belong there. Constantly being put down, talked down to like I do not know anything or good enough for the job. I put a fake smile, act positive, but on my breaks, I break down and trying to put myself back together to do it over and over again. Day after day and its come to the point where I just feel so numb from life that I sometimes struggle with how to keep on going. Everyone sees me as a bubbly person but that is all I can show since if I show my true self, no one wants hear it. Sorry for rambling on, I just feel so lost and do not know how to deal with it, keeping it all inside just hurts that is much more and feel like ending it all would just let people I love down, and doing that hurts just as much especially getting guided that I am an adult and need to act like it. I hate this so much! I am tired of acting strong",Depression +21215,"27 M, make 6 figures. Just lost my girlfriend because I am a fucking depressed asshole. No friends as I have pushed them all away as well. Nothing makes me happy. Not job rewards, not my new car, nothing. I lash out at pretty much everyone and its just isolating and lonely. I am seriously over everything. I have therapist but that is not doing jack shit. I feel like our future is fucked with corrupt government, AI that decides we suck, or some other horrible end such as our energy grid going bye bye. Pretty damn close to just cashing out my investments and savings, going to pay for hookers and try and get myself as fucked up as one can be. Tired of working hard to be good person, do the right things and still wake up everyday like ugh here we go. Rant over. Whiskey out. I just want to off myself",Depression +21216,"it is been a week since my mom died, the first few days I felt terrible, but I kept thinking about her, not wanting to make her life go to a waste, or to let her down, so I wanted to live, for her, but it seems like I just cannot do it.I really want to try to live, I want to feel happy, satisfied, fulfilled, or anything like that, but nothing comes to my mind, except misery and hopelessness.I wish I could give someone my lifespan, maybe they will be able to do something with it, or at least appreciate it, better than wasting alone in the dark like me.It feels like no matter how I try, no matter what I do or what happen to me, the thought of ""everything is pointless"" cannot be shaken, why do we even try, just let go and let the void consume you.The only thing keeping me alive is my survival instinct, and I hate it so much, I wish I could turn it off.We are all thrown into a cruel uncaring world, without any saying in it, and expected to just accept it and do everything we can to live, I just do not get it.I want it all to end. I am afraid of death, but I wish I was never been born.",Depression +21217,"You know what kind of movies and shows I am talking about. Stand By Me, Stranger Things, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Breakfast Club, etc. Plots about a group of close friends getting into hijinks together with a romantic subplot where one or many of them like the same girl (or guy). I know life does not play out like a movie but the essence of these films: the friendship, the heartbreak, the bonding, the etc, I never had that.The closest thing I have ever had to real friends was in elementary school but that is it. From middle school all the way to now, a college graduate, I was alone. I was not bullied really at all, thankfully, but I never had friends of any kind and just kept to myself. And it was all for really one main reason, if I had to give one: I was afraid. All the time I was afraid, and still am really at my core. I never really asked anyone to be my friend or if I could hang out with others. I would go in to school every day, sit in class, sit alone at lunch, then go home and do it all again the next day. The internet was my world that occupied my boring life and still does.Of course this also meant I failed at something else: girls. I have yet to even kiss a girl. Big accomplishment, I know /s. Again, I was always too afraid to even ask out anyone. The only time I ever really mustered up the courage was around prom when I asked one of the prettiest girls in my class and of course she rejected me (gently though, thankfully).College was not much better either. Sure I had my independence away from my parents. But what really did me in was laziness. I hated a lot of my classes and skipped regularly, which resulted in declining grades. Somehow though I got my degree five years later (switched my major too late) and here I am telling you my pity party story.Go ahead and make fun all you want. I stopped caring about life a long time ago. And now I am also mourning the loss of a close family member, my uncle, on top of everything else in my life. But going all the way back to the beginning, when I watch these shows and movies, the thing I am constantly reminding myself of involuntarily is ""I never had that"" and continuously put myself down like always. I do not plan on ending myself anytime soon. But the weight of my laundry list of regrets is a heavy load I still carry with me every single day. And one day it is going to break me if it has not already. I hate but also like coming-of-age stories even though I have spent the majority of my life alone and without any friends. And I want to talk about that",Depression +21218,"I turn 21 next week (Male). Most of my life, is pretty good.I am apart of a loving family,I am very confident and content with the person I am. I get along with people well, including my family. I am also happy with the path I am on in life Well At least most of the timeAbout once a year since I was 14, for a few weeks typically around my birthday. I get pretty intense anxiety about my age.This leads me to a depressive episode and a full blown existential crisis. I start obsessing and fearing over my age, the future and the past. I constantly look around and think about everyone elses age. I loose all interest in my goals and hobbies. As everything starts to become trivial. I get near a panic attack anytime I think of my current age or my age next year. After a few weeks I tend to go back to normal but it always comes back and there is always a little bit of it occasionally popping up in my mind.I am afraid as I get older It will only get more intense Again most of the time, I do not feel this way and sometimes I feel really excited for the future. But This annual bout of depression/anxiety can really take a toll on me and my comfort with going forward in life. No one else I know seems to have these same feelings no matter what age they are they seem to be just carelessly going about life, they might mention something occasionally like wow time flies or something but they do not seem to have the same crippling, obsessive fear of the passage of time. Does anyone else have similar feelings and possibly grow out of it? Or find some sort of peace with the universe? Thanks, much love and best wishes to everyone. Depression/Anxiety over age.",Depression +21219,"There are a few weeks that I decided I am going to kill myself if I cannot get out of my parents' house, I set my deadline until December of the year I turn 21. it is the time when I am going to be able to figure out if I am going to make it (or at least try) or if I am going to be stuck in this forever. but i think I am going crazy hahaha, I have never been as bad as i feel now and i cannot get away from suicidal thoughts... I am isolating myself from everyone but i cannot isolate myself from my family, I am so tired of feeling anxious and sad. I cannot see a future for myself anymore, I do not know where I was in my head to think I could hold out a few more years. What if I can never be happy?but maybe i can be and maybe i have a future far from here maybe... but at the moment i guess i just cannot take it anymore how can i just force myself to keep living until the day i can die?",Suicidal +21220,"I feel like I need to do something but I just have no energy and nothing makes me happy. I am on anti depressant so I just been feeling like a zombie.I want to feel joy but I cannot, so I just end up feeling depressed. What do you do when you are depressed with no personal relations with anyone? nothing makes me happy",Depression +21221,"Tonight, right now, I am going to try to talk to the last people who I can believe. I am going to prepare everything. Set 999 as my speed dial. Do the last things that make me happy. Cut deeper then I ever have. Mark all of my body but my right arm. My face, legs, torso, arm. Everything. I will be prepared, almost like a sacrifice. And, in 4 hours or less, die....My name is Adam. I am 13 years old and have faced most things that this torture has. My whole life is a lie, and I tried opening up last week. I was immediately betrayed. I think one of my closest friends has killed themselves earlier tonight. I envy them. I would like to disappear so nobody has a reason to get pity points, because fuck them. 5 years ago my brother raped me twice. My brother also assaulted me and my sister 8 months ago with a knife. I do not want to continue. I do not know why others live. Goodnight and goodbye. This is my last night. My Plan/Note tw:rape, suicide, self harm, abuse, everything.",Suicidal +21222,Exactly what the title says. How do you get out of bed every day and do your job competently enough to not be fired? I feel so stupid to have to be asking this but I seriously do not know. How do you maintain a job?,Depression +21223,"I have been struggling with this for as long as I can remember, where I feel suicidal after making small mistakes or after someone makes an offhanded comment towards me that I take to heart, even if they did not mean it that way, or even the thought of people (even total strangers) being mad at me makes me feel terrible about myself that I am a bad person and I deserve to die. How do I stop caring so much about what other people think of me? I want to kill myself over small things",Suicidal +21224,"I have always encountered a lot of problems in my life due to those two factors.Take any normal interaction or event. The anxious part overthinks and over analyses. The depressive part reflects everything back onto myself in the most negative way. And then once I am in the gutter, the anxiety just exponentiates and it feels like I am being eaten alive by surges of emotions and physical manifestations that I cannot even control.This can apply to all facets of my life. Studies, hobbies, interpersonal relationships. Even an awkward interaction at the store can sometimes spiral into absurd thoughts.I feel very alone in this world. All I see is darkness ahead with no hope when it comes to my own life. I wish I could believe what other people tell me. That things will get better. That I will be able to find satisfaction and fulfillment and have a bright career as a researcher. But the reality is that I am so crippled I can barely get myself to wake up every day. I cannot find reasons. I cannot find motivation. I cannot find strength. Depression and anxiety ruin everything, I am left worthless",Depression +21225,"I feel that I am faking my depression, even though I was clinically diagnosed around age 12-14 by a psychiatrist. I sometimes go without showering due to lack of motivation, I feel like my presence only annoys and bothers people and I have issues with being abandoned and other things I will not want to mention right now. I had a mental breakdown earlier today that did not involve any crying, but me just trying to make friends with people and then having self-hatred thoughts about the way I look and the way I act. I just want help, but I am also afraid to open up due to the fear of ppl finding me weird and abandoning me. I need help and people to talk to",Depression +21226,"I have this dumb habit of overflowing jealosy whenever I listen to music, watch movies or internet videos, read articles. I am jealous of succesful people and often imagine myself in their shoes, situations which will never happen and once I am back to reality it is sadness, anger. No, I am not talented, I am lazy uneducated and antisocial scum so there is no chance I would ever be like thst. I think I do not want to get better and do not want to live at all because I will never reach life which would satisfy me. I can get better and end up in grey and boring life but I feel like that would just put me back in the depressed shoes. So I kind of gave up on living because there is no living for me to have in the first place. Still sucks to look at other people's smiles while holding tears myself. I am like this because I cannot settle for normal boring life",Depression +21227,Boys and girls we are all depressed but what is depression and how can we get over it let me tell you I am currently going through sever depression but I force myself everyday to get out of bed shave my beard and fight for my happiness fight for my inner peace fight to be who I want to be fight for my dreams boys and girls we cannot stay like this we are strong infact we are so strong we handle an illness that a lot of ppl would have killed themselves we did not we are powerful enough to live through the pain and now we need to build up more strength to get out of it Recovery,Depression +21228,My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because he feels lost and defeated due to his career. He said that he does not want to waste my time and resent him when the time comes and hes not ready to settle down. He sees himself as a burden and feels like he cannot count on anyone and I hate that he made the decision for me. I still want to stick by him. He answers my calls and said well talk when he gets back from his solo trip. How do you love a person with depression? How can I show him that hes worth it and that I do not feel like I am wasting my time? Thanks again My ex is depressed,Depression +21229,"The money I was saving was my only hope to get to where I want to be. I cannot wait any longer. I have been saving for a year now after struggling heavily with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and isolation for the last seven years; which in turn caused me to fail and drop out of college two years ago after six years. I was never able to get/hold a job for very long until the past year, and I was starting to feel somewhat better about myself myself until I passed up on the opportunity to make $50,000 in the stock market in January (guess from what?). Missing that golden opportunity caused me to chase getting that money once again, and it caused me to lose $11k - nearly 6 months of paychecks. I had opportunities to have the best life ever since I got out of high school, and I have messed all of them up. Now I am a 26 year old, virgin, friendless, college dropout, loser who lives with his parents. I have no social skills, trade skills or talents. I am useless. There is nothing special about me. All I do is make my mom more depressed than she already is due to my failures. I just want to not think anymore as I am drowning in shame and regret. I do not know why I did this to myself. But I did and I cannot undo it. The only thing I can do is jump off a cliff or smoke cigarettes until my lungs collapse and hope that life is all just a nightmare. I know no one can really help. I want nothing more than to be okay and be a loving positive force in the world, but my mind is just too fucked up. Lost half of my life savings in the stock market. I should have taken profits while I could, but I got greedy and lost money instead. It has truly crushed me, because I have nothing else.",Suicidal +21230,"Same routine everyday: Wake up, work, come home, shower, lay in bed and scroll on my phone with youtube in the back ground as I think about all of the time that is passing me by, all of the things I no longer enjoy doing, and how void I am. Weekends: Wake up, lay in bed scrolling on my phone as I wallow in emptiness, sleep. Realized I have done nothing for the past 4 years.",Depression +21231,"I have a borderline personality disorder, lot of trauma from my past and a big disappointment in my girl. I told myself ""this my last ride, so I will enjoy it with her till it ends"". But I do not want to feel the end.. I am on a lot of Oxycodone right now. I will do it either this night, another one but 100% when it ends. I just wanted to tell someone. I am being serious, I do not seek any attention. I just want someone to know this. I want to kill myself while still with my gf, not when it ends. If I do not do it now, I will do it when it ends, 100%.",Suicidal +21232,"is playing with me. It calculates how much i can struggle It enjoys when I am pain otherwise it would not do it if i were happy.I cannot speak to it, does not listen to me.I imprison my consciousness, which I feel as my own, in my body as if it were poison. My consciousness",Suicidal +21233,"I have been saving for a year now after struggling heavily with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and isolation for the last seven years; which in turn caused me to fail and drop out of college two years ago after six years. I was never able to get/hold a job for very long until the past year, and I was starting to feel somewhat better about myself myself until I passed up on the opportunity to make $50,000 in the stock market in January (guess from what?). Missing that golden opportunity caused me to chase getting that money once again, and it caused me to lose $11k - nearly 6 months of paychecks. I had opportunities to have the best life ever since I got out of high school, and I have messed all of them up. Now I am a 26 year old, virgin, friendless, college dropout, loser who lives with his parents. I have no social skills, trade skills or talents. I am useless. There is nothing special about me. All I do is make my mom more depressed than she already is due to my failures. I just want to not think anymore as I am drowning in shame and regret. I do not know why I did this to myself. But I did and I cannot undo it. The only thing I can do is jump off a cliff or smoke cigarettes until my lungs collapse and hope that life is all just a nightmare. I know no one can really help. I want nothing more than to be okay and be a loving positive force in the world, but my mind is just too fucked up. Lost half of my life savings because I am a fucking idiot. I should have taken profit when I did, but I got greedy, once again, and this time it has destroyed me.",Suicidal +21234,"I am 16 almost 17, and I do not really know if I have suicidal thoughts, but I have no friends probably because of my default mental state of negativity. I see logical fallacies on a daily basis, especially when arguing with people. Right now is just one of those times where I just do not want to live anymore, I feel like I have no place here. About to be a senior but completely failed last year of high school due to lack of motivation. I have been playing a lot of basketball as that and video games are the only activities I get pure joy out of, nothing else really brings me much joy. I do not really want help, I honestly do not know what I want. I do not really have issues with confidence, I smoke weed often, and I lost all my close friends to toxicity. I do not really feel close with my family, I am probably closer emotionally to my dog, and I am pretty good looking according to other people but I cannot get a girlfriend or talk to anybody without feeling closed off emotionally. I am not ready to leave this world yet, but every time my emotional state gets this low I get closer to the edge. Any good advice?",Suicidal +21235,Suicide sounds pretty fucking awesome I literally have nothing going for me and I am just wondering if anyone knows anything that could help me stop myself from doing it because I am really fucking close idk if anything has worked for anyone How to Avoid?,Suicidal +21236,"This is going to sound petty as fuck, but I have been extremely depressed recently due to a girl. I have really like this girl since high school, and were in college now. Unfortunately, a couple of months ago, I tried asking her out and was rejected. Now I see she is with another guy who I knew and strongly disliked*. Ill admit it though, hes a dime. Attractive, athletic, from a good family, and he puts on a good front that hes a real nice guy. In reality though, hes a scumbag who looks down upon anyone who is not a girl hes interested in, or someone he has to suck up to in order to look better. Hes treated me like a cockroach in the past.Anyway, seeing this girl I really liked with him is torture. It brings out all my little insecurities like: I am not as good as him, Ill never be enough, I am a coward, etc.I am only 20 and the thought of me ending my own life this early is saddening, but I also do not see any other way out. My life has fallen apart and its my fault.Anyways, this was mainly just a rant not really expecting any replies tbh. She chose another guy over me",Depression +21237,Anyone just find no interest in anything at all? No interest in Anything? Sports are stupid. Hobbies are stupid.,Depression +21238,"I am sad and feel hopeless. When I look at life, I see it as forever to get to retirement. I am stressed at my job, with my HSV diagnosis, and being lonely and bored. I cannot figure out the best career move for me and what skills I have to put on the table. My employer is driving me out. I do not know what to do anymore. I was thinking of becoming a Christian Brother or priest and be celibate for the rest of my life and just help people. I cannot join the army as I am on meds. The days are dragging and I do not have much tolerance left. Feel hopelessness and dread- 33M",Depression +21239,"This is something I wished I realized last month and the month before that when I was suicidal because of my insensitive ex. I cannot believe I was ""Wondering if they would even care if I was dead"" or ""Be indifferent when they got the news"". How fucked up is it to be fixated on someone who is so insensitive, callous, nonchalant, blame shifting, cruel and dismissive towards your feelings that you do not know if they would even care if you were dead. How messed up is it to be in love with someone who makes you wonder about that. Yet when you disprove their statements they play the suicide card. They treat you horribly then wonder why you react with the same cold, distant energy they pushed you away with. Perpetual victims will always be perpetual victims. Forget that trash. If they are insensitive to your feelings they will not care if you are dead.",Depression +21240,"So as I am lying here, waiting for the meds to kick in, while I hear the silent ticking of a clock in the back of my room... You could hear a needle falling on the floor right now. Not even my breath or my thoughts seem as loud as this ticking. And here I am: wondering what other people might do whenever they get this funny feeling. To be alone. To be without any hope. To be in this awful, hideous silence.... Are you deciding to end the day early and head to bed and possibly a more quiet and peaceful dream-world? Please, tell me about those worldsAre you watching some movies, videos to fill that gaping, never satisfied void? Which ones can fill it for even just a single moment, tell me pleaseAre fictional Worlds, created through black ink on white paper, your go-to method to escape the ever so loud thoughts in your head? What texts can ease your mind?Can you get something out of anything at all, knowing how hope- and meaningless every single moment on this planet is?Please tell me, as for I do not seem to be able to do thatOr maybe - and just maybe - are you lying in your bed, waiting to fall asleep, wondering and thinking?Whatever it is, please tell mePlease disturb that dreadful silence in my roomI beg youDon't leave me hereI cannot sit through this anymore What do you do to stop that funny feeling for a while?",Depression +21241,"Not asking for ""there are people who love you"" type answers. I mean why should I still live in a world that is slowly burning to a crisp because of politicians and corporations who value anything but actual human decency? Can anyone give me one reason why I should not kill myself?",Suicidal +21242,what the actual fuck was rashford thinking. bless xhaka man should not be taking those ones. Only reason I am still here is because pickford almost had a beauty lad cannot go on anymore,Suicidal +21243,I am just a slave at this point I cannot do this shit anymore I am working 6 days a week again,Suicidal +21244,I am 22 now going on 23 and for the past 13 years of my life everyday I think of killing myself. I hate the life I live. I hate the person I am. I hate the situation I am in. I just want it all to end. I hate this life. Hate feeling like this,Suicidal +21245,idk why I am posting here again. i just really need to talk to someone. i feel so incredibly alone. i tried to kill myself 3 times in the past 4 days and failed each time. can i please please talk to someone?,Suicidal +21246,"My primary defense against depression is to keep myself distracted so I do not think about it. Sometimes it even works. Not this day. I cannot focus on anything. Nothing holds my interest for longer than a few seconds. Nothing I try to read, nothing I try to watch. I have not got the energy to do anything but sit here and endlessly scroll through Reddit, where half the posts leave me indifferent and the other half make me feel worse.Just another day in the life. Having one of my days..",Depression +21247,my thoughts are spiraling and i cannot physically relax and stay still. are there any ways to cope with anxietylike the 1234 finger method ?!,Suicidal +21248,I have been playing metal gear solid for about a week now and I am at the second to last boss and I cannot fucking beat him. This is so cringe but it makes me feel like I cannot even do anything. I cannot beat this fucking game. I want to so bad but I just cannot. I have like 20 hours on the game and I have seen people beat in in 6. I am so fucking bad at this game and I feel fucking worthless because of it. I know how fucking dumb that sounds. I cannot do anything including beating this easy ass game. I cannot finish this game and it makes me depressed,Depression +21249,"stain-i watch the deep red trickle out of my veins.i watch the deep red run down the drain. it is a temporary realease from my chains.it is a temporary break from the strain.if people knew that i did this they would call me insane, but they do not feel what i feel in my brain, what is burning me from within worse than propane.a feeling that can be gone one moment but in the next it is already completely engulfed my mind and is tearing it appart like a mental hurricane.I have tried everything but stability is something i cannot seem to maintain,and happiness is something i cannot seem to obtain.and no matter what i do, time passes, skin heals, and blood washes away.but like a stain, the pain always remains. a poem i wrote (tw: sh)",Depression +21250,I have decided against killing myself I just realized I still have a bet with a friend the bet ends in high-school I have not even reached high school yet so I am living for that bet sorry if I scared anyone Sorry for the people who saw my last post,Suicidal +21251,it is not going to be focused on something because I cannot focus on anything so yeah. I am 19 now. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel empty all the time so I eat too much and buy stuff. I am going crazy. I cannot think anymore cannot concentrate. My memory is not working and my body is not what it used to be. I hate myself. I constantly look at myself in the mirror and judge the way I look. I try to diet everyday but soon after I break down. I am hungry I am thirsty for that sweet taste of food. that is the main thing in my mind all the time. that is what will fill me up when I feel down. So I eatBut then I feel worst because I gain fat and I hate myself more.When I sit in groups I do not understand what is going on. I ask questions and then ppl say I talk too much. But when I do not say anything no one notices me. I am always the one out. The one ignored. The weird crazy psychopath one. They call me psycho as a joke but it is not funny anymore. Yeah I get hyper and energetic sometimes. I do not know how to deal with all those energies that somehow I feel empty again so guess what I do? Eat.What is wrong with meWhy am I like thisI keep thinking about the days I was 5 yo and I was happy and hopeful. When my parents were young and everything and everyone were happier. Today there is mostly sadness. I am so tired of all the thoughts and feelingsI just want to sleep and not wake upI just want a shot that will make my mind quiteI do not want to be here nor there I do not want to be Sorry I am here to vent.. and I do not know why I post this but I guess I just cannot keep my feelings for myself anymore,Depression +21252,"My family never talk to me about me, my day, what i have new.. they can talk hours about work,coworkers and i just sit there.I asked my mom to stop talking about work and her coworkers problem, these problems just stick to me and i already have enough problems.Recently I have been looking for painless way to die, i found some pill combination but we did not have it at home, all i currently have is girl that is my close friend but i do not want to complain to her, she is already doing too much without her realising itI feel like no one respects me at home, when others sleep everyone who is awake tries to be silent, when i sleep nobody gives a shit, all are loud, i used to be overweight and brothers gf made fun of my body, i feel like I am air here, so much is going on in my head and i cannot handle it, people are draining my energy, i have social anxiety but apparently who cares. I am just lying here in my bed, crying and nobody knows, i shared these feelings week ago, nothing changed, people still do not talk to me, if i find some good way to suicide ill consider it. Only thing that kept me alive for past years is my dog, cuddling with my dog. So many thoughts are running through my head every second and i cannot share them with anyone I have no one to talk to",Depression +21253,life seems to only get worse and worse and i cannot do anything about it because I am a minor. i cannot leave my terrible home. i cannot get help because the last time anyone in my family opened up about suicidal thoughts he got sent away to a mental hospital. my depression and mood keep getting worse and worse mostly because of this feeling of being stuck in this house and in this life and a lot of gender dysphoria. there is not really anything at all anyone can do for me. i just have to wait out the next few years until i am 18 and hope i can get out of here as quickly as possible. idk why I am posting this just venting ig but umm thanks for reading? I have bottled up everything for so long that i could not even tell you why i feel the way i do sometimes.,Depression +21254,"I have already made up my mind. Unless I can switch bodies miraculously I am living on borrowed time. Really, I do not know why I have not killed myself sooner. I am useless and have no achievements but that is not what bugs me. I cannot live with this body. I do not want to do any acceptance self-love crap, I just want to die so I do not have to suffer with this anymore. I am not looking for advice or anything, I am just venting because I have nowhere else to rant off to. I am not depressed either. This is the logical conclusion I have come to that I must end my life. The hardest part right now is finding the right method with the least likelihood of failure and/or mess afterwards. I have already been through a pill overdose which was a shitty attempt but that was two years ago. I am making sure no concerned party calls 911 on me the next time. that is why I am keeping this information from everyone who can stop me. In addition to that, getting 'help' *will* have a worse outcome in my circumstances, believe me. I am already a waste of everyone is resources and my rationale for dying is reinforced through myriad triggers throughout the day. My parents said they would be devastated if something happened to me but I told them that if they really cared about me they would help me find a way to end my suffering for good. They are convinced I just need a med adjustment to feel better but that is not going to fix my gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. it is all bullshit. The kindest thing someone could do for me right now is point me in the right direction to an easy death that will not traumatize anyone. I am past wanting to get help",Suicidal +21255,I am 30 a college graduate I make 80k a year live in Atlanta no kids single and for some reason I am not happy. I just feel like there is a big emptiness inside. I really do not know what to do. I am bored with life when I feel like I should be happy. I am kind of lost I really do not know where to go from here. Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this? I accomplished what I wanted to in life but now there is nothing. Idk what to do what do you guys think. Why am I not happy?,Depression +21256,"I have this dumb habit of overflowing jealosy whenever I listen to music, watch movies or internet videos, read articles. I am jealous of succesful people and often imagine myself in their shoes, situations which will never happen and once I am back to reality it is sadness, anger. No, I am not talented, I am lazy uneducated and antisocial scum so there is no chance I would ever be like thst. I think I do not want to get better and do not want to live at all because I will never reach life which would satisfy me. I can get better and life grey and boring life but I feel like that would just put me back in the depressed shoes. So I kind of gave up on living because there is no living for me to have in the first place. Still sucks to look at other people's smiles while holding tears myself. I think I am like that because I cannot accept living as basic boring person",Suicidal +21257,"I was raped a few days ago, and I cannot focus or even do anything. I cannot see myself doing this anymore, I think it is best I end it. I had so many dreams, and wants but I know I will never recover. I cannot get myself together after my rape a few days ago, I think it is best I end it.",Suicidal +21258,"I feel my humanity slipping away and find myself just hating everyone. I blame everyone collectively for how I feel, I blame the whole world. someone is got to go, either me and or the world, and I guess I am the only one I can control, I guess that makes the answer easier. Feels like it is me against the world and I am tired of fighting",Depression +21259,I self injured for the first time in a year and I just feel so low and alone rn I do not know what to do I messed up,Depression +21260,"I have been depressed for about 5/6 years now, and increasingly suicidal over the past year or so. I went to the hospital once a few months ago, but I do not think I expressed my problem well enough and just ended up getting sent home right away; It essentially accomplished nothing, if anything it made things worse. It made me feel like they did not care enough to help, or that I would need to attempt suicide for it to be taken more seriously. Now its a few months later and I am becoming very suicidal. The feeling just keeps growing and growing. I keep staring at bottles of pills waiting to build up the courage to just do it even though I really do not want to do it. Mainly due to the fact nothing feels like it will be able to help me at this point. I feel permanently and irreversibly damaged. But, for my mom, I need to give it one last shot. What I really want to know is, from the people who have been in either inpatient or outpatient programs, what is the overall experience like? What should I expect? What is done to try and repair my mental health? Any details on the specific types of therapy and strategies that they use would be appreciated. I am an extremely nervous and anxious person, I would love to learn more about what I would be getting into, it might make it a little easier for me to give it a shot.Thank you what is it like getting help at the hospital? What should I expect?",Depression +21261,"I am male, 15 years old. I have lived in Finland for my whole life, from the very day of my birth. I have been through overdoses of loved ones, suicide attempts of loved ones and breakups. I have basically grown around depression, suicide and hardships especially during the last 3 years.Just about a week ago, I had a breakup. She was my only reason to live, but she broke us up. I cannot really blame her, because It is my fault after all - I got so helpless and depressed before for weeks prior to the breakup, which just broke us down. It is the primary reason why I am ending my life very soon. I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for about an year, although I almost committed intentional suicide as a 10 year old. I have always hated myself. More than anything in this world. I have had all I have wanted, but life does not care about how good are you. Everyone can get seriously depressed.I have never really told anyone about my feelings. I went to school psychologist for a few times, but dropped it.Currently I am at a camp with friends, but as soon as I am getting home on Friday, I will try to commit suicide in the next few days. I Will cut my wrist and thigh, and take a bath. Goodbye. This is my final message to the world, for now.",Suicidal +21262,What happens if my family cannot read my note? My hand writing was shakey while writing it is my time to go I guess but I have a question before I do,Suicidal +21263,"I oftentimes want to kill myself, but I only feel depressed some weeks/days/months while being suicidal is always there, even when I am feeling great. So does wanting to die directly correlates to being depressed? Because ""hey I am not depressed I just want to kill myself"" does not sound very convincing, it just makes me wonder. I admit now that I am probably depressed but I spent years doubting myself and wondering if I was just lazy and worthless, nowdays I believe it is both. Does being suicidal equals to depressed?",Depression +21264,"I do not know if its depression or anxiety my friend is going though, she just told me was not doing well and stuff. its been a couple of weeks since she said she would reply later to my texts bur she has not. She does send me random posts on social media though so that is kind of what our conversations are and I try to reach out to her as well. If it ever comes up that she has not texted me back yet she will be like yeah I have been such a mess but its hard when I see her constantly posting on all her social media, having conversations with others on group chats and stuff. It makes me feel like she knows Ill just stick around anyway. I feel awful and selfish when it makes me feel like not texting her back but it hurt wn she is been loke this for months Feel a bit sad that my friend does not reply to my texts",Depression +21265,"When I look in the mirror I want to vomit, when I see my reflection I feel like a traitor in my own body. One moment I feel victorious, the next minute I wish I were cast from Mount Taygetus. The sexual tension between me and the shotguns on display at the department store is indescribable. My mind's a battlefield and I am the last soldier on the front line with no weapon against the incoming infantry. You hate me, likewise. I wish I could just hit an off switch. I do not have the courage to punch my own ticket not because I fear death; but because I do not want to be an embarrassment. I have the money to buy myself my own funeral but living is a luxury that was gifted to the wrong undeserving character. My exhibition of desperation is uncouth. I apologize for existing. I apologize for costing too much. I apologize for being the Quasimodo in a world full of Frollo's. I hope one day you can forgive my birth. Clearly, I was an error. Perhaps one day someone will delete that error. On that day I will have my arms open and embrace the cold void and simply say...thank you. My death was an error",Depression +21266,Shit is so pointless I am so tired of this shit Damm,Suicidal +21267,My depression is pretty much 24/7 and its there 90% of the time. What should I expect when I start taking Prozac? Any tips on when to take it? How will I likely feel? I just got diagnosed with mild depression and prescribed Prozac. What should I expect?,Depression +21268,"I am a 22 European female who started going to university last year. I am just wondering if I am the only one who struggles that much to make friends in online courses and college/university since the pandemic has started. Everyone all of sudden has enjoyed online university but I feel like I am stuck. I fell out of touch with people I have been close to ever since graduating since I have been the only one who started university last year. I just really miss people and friends to talk to but it seems like everyone deals with this situations pretty good but I am not? I am really sad and my mental health (I have been struggling with an eating disorder, depression and self harm) has been getting worse over the past few months since I have been really isolated and lonely. Maybe you can share some tip how you have dealt with the feeling of loneliness and also boredom or maybe make some friend in this lonely time. I cannot keep doing this anymore",Depression +21269,i cannot move on with my life i miss when i was a child. I am only 17 but i wish i were 9 again. my god I am so sad. I have felt like this for so long nostalgia,Suicidal +21270,I feel embarrassed that I am 30 and still suffer with depression. The idea of wanting to hurt or kill myself seems immature and I feel ashamed for feeling it. I feel embarrassed by my mental health when it is bad like this,Suicidal +21271,"I do not even enjoy anything anymore. I just do shit to pass the time. there is times where I cannot control it, I just burst into tears. I feel the most suicidal I have ever been before and I know that I need to kill myself because I have no future and cannot even leave the house alone. I have no friends because I am boring and can barely text back. I just want to be in bed for the rest of my life. I am going to be forever alone because I am too much of a hassle to deal with. I do not want to hurt my mother but I do not want to go through the pain of losing her either. Considering suicide.",Depression +21272,"Nostalgia does not let me move on in my life. My life changed a lot in the past year and is now kind of miserable, alone and frustrating. I am tied to this world bc i do not want to dissapoint or hurt those who ""love"" me (they do not give a fuck about me, they just being hypocrite). Damn i wish I would die asleep. What a thrash of life. Sorry guys Even though I am not strongly sad, i legit want to die, like conciously",Suicidal +21273,"I feel like its torture. Seeing others have fun doing whatever. I think to myself I do not deserve it so I do not do anything, andmy mood falls andit just ruins my day. I am like that one guy at a waterpark that sits and watches stuff while everyone is out having a blast. Self hatred sucks. Doing fun things with people actually brings me down and makes me feel sad.",Depression +21274,I just want to die but i scared of the way i die Do anyone feel me?,Suicidal +21275,I am in a really bad depressive slump and i cannot communicate what is actually wrong. I am so sensitive and disconnected and i just feel like my partner is going to get tired of trying to help me and just leave me. i would not blame him either My mental health is going to end my relationship,Depression +21276,"I do not have a lot to add. I am depressed, I guess? This has been going on for decades. I do not know anymore. Am I really depressed anymore, or has it turned into something else? I hate being awake. I wake up every day in a state of shock, overcome with dread. I sleep as much as possible, but I have always had insomnia, so I only get a good night's sleep every 2-3 weeks. I snap awake as soon as I start falling asleep. I have tried medication, therapy, and jesus, but nothing has helped. I recently realized that living with my father is a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. he is emotionally and mentally abusive to me every day. I am moving out soon, which is great (I hope), but I am not expecting all my problems to magically disappear. Despite it all, I am working hard to get a good education and build a better life for myself. Why? I honestly do not know. Because it is expected of me, I guess? What do I want out of life? To be happy, of course! But we all know that ""happy"" is not realistically achievable. Life is never perfect, so I guess I am aiming for something more modest, like contentment. To me, contentment would be a quiet simple life with very little stress. Not a lazy life, per se, but one where there is little or no pressure on me to do things I simply do not want, and do not need, to do. &#x200B;At this point of my life, I have spent so much time in my head that I feel I have become unrelatable to regular folks. Knowing that suicide is always an option gives me a lot of comfort. Am I weird? How far down that depression rabbit hole am I?",Depression +21277,"I have been using all my free time to try and figure out a career path for myself. Countless personality tests and career tests. They consistently say that I am not meant for a position of power or management. I am not upset at that outcome. I am upset that it is right. I am just too soft to be someone who can rise to power, but I do not know how to be successful without that. I will just always be mediocre. that is all I feel capable of, and even that seems like a far reach. Do you feel like you just are not meant to be successful?",Depression +21278,"First off sorry if I do not use the preferred terms for autism. This is not the functional kind. This is the smearing shit, piss on everything, holes in walls, nonverbal, violent, destructive, and incompatible with any semblance of normal existence. Hes an adult now, 18 and strong. Every single day is a nightmare. I spent the bulk of last week wishing I was dead. I started thinking things might be better for him and he might get help if I were gone. I took a beating last Thursday that left me bloody and another Friday early morning that fucked me up pretty good. I decided next time Id just let him finish me off. Catch you on the other side. Remember me when you see the news article, its just a matter of time.Sidebar: I spent 48 hours in the hospital ER with him. They cannot find any crisis stabilization facility to accept him due to his level of need. They searched the surrounding states too and every single facility declined him. I do not need a rope. My severely autistic son is going to beat me to death.",Suicidal +21279,"I just cannot believe it. Was about to lose hope. You SHOULD try this shit guys I swear it is a fucking miracle. I am just happy for days after. I have never been happy before. not even close. Got my fucking life back, going to start learning soon, finally have the motivation to get out and do things. Even the trip himself was theraputic and made me dissosiate from the very root of the depressed mindset. WTF Ketmin therapy KILLED my Depression!!!",Depression +21280,"I had parents who literally gave up on us. I hate that I constantly live in the trauma and cannot seem to get over it. I see everything as a 5 year old, people hate me, Want to attack me. My only sister died as a result of the neglect. She got cancer and died at 47. I am 37 and just had two/ three children. I thought that would change things. Turns out I am just like my mother. I am such a failure and all of the hate, anger and neglect racks my mind. Constantly telling me no one likes me, I am a failure and my children would be better off without me. They do not like me either. My son died 4 months ago. He was 7 weeks old. I have two daughters, both under 2 years old. I am no good at anything. I am no good at relationships. Everyone will eventually leave me, like they always have. I just want to die. I am useless and everyone is be better off without me. I pray and started going to church. Sometimes I feel relief. Now I am disappointing God. I have a gun but am too scared to use it. Where can I buy cyanid pills? Please help. I failed",Suicidal +21281,"its like i was predestined at birth for suicide, you know? my experiences after the fact did not help. i think i was just made to do this.also, this is not meant for one specific person, there is a lot of you... reading everything... the gore/suicide fetishists... please stop. i know I am a girl and it really gets your rocks off to see me suffer but I am only 17, and knowing there is people who are staring at me thinking this is hot just makes it that much more painful to reach out. I am sorry. i was just dealt really bad cards in life and i do not know if i can recover.",Suicidal +21282,"I live with my insane and violent family and they had a horrible fight,the police came and they throw tearing gas.It was a disaster an now I feel awful and want to die.I have no friends or a place to go.I just cannot live in this nightmare of a life anymore. Worst sunday ever",Depression +21283,I cannot explain how tired I am of feeling this way. I feel like I am trapped. If I commit suicide then all it will do is hurt people. If I stay I will continue to be hurt. When is it supposed to get better,Suicidal +21284,"I am an 18 years old person that can trust and love anyone. Sadly that does not mean that everybody else love me and care about me as well I had people using me and having fun with me, without me noticing it from may school years I never had a loyal friend or even somebody to talk with because people thing I am a weirdo now I am 18years old and I have trouble of communication I do not show my feelings to anyone near me because I know that there are worse problems in this world such as not having to eat etc. so I am not important at all I also had dreams for my life until my family came and destroyed my hopes of achieving them. I always wanted to join the police academy but my family threatened me that if I enter this academy they will kick me out from home because I will be a fucking pig dressed in a blue uniform Inside my house I had many fights and I was usually a spectator of them almost every day until my 15 I had fights with a small reduction of them between my 13-15. I was locked in my room most of the times so I can at least make my ears stop from listening by putting some music and trying to hide my pain inside me ( fights was between my parents and my sisters but also between my parents ) In most of the times I just sit on my bed thinking and crying about my mistakes and usually convincing my self that I am not worthy and useful to anything and I achieved that as well I have not seen a good dream since 3 months and I wake up most of the times with a very fast heart beat I am feeling that I am not a human being than a monster because I do not do what other people do ( like watching football like every men does or like being able to fix something when it broken etc.)I usually have anger under minor things and I am always blaming my self for it because I am a useless monster. I also feel very stressed when I have to talk with someone ( and think that I am working as a check-in agent ) and I am trying to be as kind as possible so I can hide my stress not only in my working area but generallyIm not addicted to alcohol or drugs or anything so that is the only positive for meI used to like reading about history specially at the WWII era and I used to love trap music now I am just seating on my bed most of the time trying to find music that people love so I can have a reason to connect with them and I am scrolling for memes just to find something to laugh and cheer me up a bit I do not know why am I still alive and how am I still in this world when the world do not want meDisclaimer: sorry for my bad English its not my native language ( I cannot even do that as well ) and sorry for this long post I just really wanted to write it somewhere because I am having a breakdown like every night I do not know how am I still alive",Depression +21285,"First I am going to present you with a few questions that you can answer on your own. After I will provide you with what I went through, before I begin, I would like to tell you have severe PTSD but no depression.1) Why are you sad kind soul? Are you not loved? Do you not have a single person in your life who cares so much about you and dislikes reverently to see you upset?2) Why are you allowing other peoples actions and choices to dictate how you feel? Do you not realize the control you have given them over your mind, heart, and choices that only you have the ability to dictate action you make? 7+ billion people in the world and 1 person who you thought cared about you but has proven beyond reasonable doubt they do not, so why do you care what a fraction of a penny to a million dollars thinks?This is why I cannot rationalize depression. Who gives a damn what other people think about you? Not when there is so many people you have yet to meet and get to know who would give their life freely to save your own. Not everyone is this way, why allow people to turn you away from love of someone you never met? Do you not allow them to win at this point in time? Is that not laying down and accepting defeat in every measure. You have given them control over who you are. Break free of it, some people are truly evil scum and this is what they want. They want you to feel worthless, how many people right now can ask a friend this: ""Hey, I feel alone can I talk?"" Personally I do not have it but with online friendships and a few real-life friends. I went from being known in all of California, to being hated by everyone because of slander. So instead of giving up, get back up, do not stop that drive in you to be kind. Suicide is not a answer to any form or self pity, self loathing, or self hatred. Killing yourself will only hurt those who truly care about you. If you die can you share your story? NO! You damn well cannot, so instead of realizing that struggle is growth and growing from a mistake, whether it be from how you may have treated innocent people when you were down and out, or maybe it was how you were treated when you needed a shoulder to cry on? Indifference is not the answer, YOU ARE LOVED BY SOMEONE! PAST, PRESENT, OR FURTURE TENSE! Remember you could be a drive to someone later, a story that if you quit on or recluse on that you have already that that which plagues you win. Life is not easy, let me share 11 years of my life, I know from personal experience that life is difficult. Yet, I refuse to give up, mama did not raise no bitch or a quitter.Sept 17th 2012, prior to that date someone who was called a friend but proven he was not used my name to put a MS13 member in jail facing 1000's of felony charges. That person was facing LIFE in prison without the possibility of parole. I did not know about the hit on my name. A hit is a contract to kill someone. On the above mentioned date, I was overdosing on 26 drugs, Four times the lethal limit. I also had enough acid in my system to because that test result to come back beyond Blood Red. I blew a 3.14 Bac level. The people who did it went against a description to attempt to kill me. I had calico hair and brown eyes, olive skin tone. The description was a white ginger kid with blues eye. They kid napped me and attacked me repeatedly. Well my advise to all, if you want someone unconscious or cooperative why in the hell would it be a good idea to drug them with PCP? In short, I did not feel a thing. They eventually put a gun to my head after three horrific failure attempts to knock me out. Me being me and with who I know told them to "" Do it"". I had them call my closest friends so I knew that in killing me that everyone there would be dead with me. I presented them with this logic, they put the gun back down and decided to try their luck with punches again. Every time they had turned around prior I was being fed information, this time I did not wait I had what I needed. I allowed wrath to hit my voice, they trembled, as the passenger reached for the gun I hit him hard enough to put him in a coma for 7 days. I turned to the driver and present him with two options: drive me to the town near where I lived, OR I will beat you down to a pulp. From knowledge prior that night I knew he had a gun in his door panel (never brag about where you keep loaded guns). He repeatedly kept saying ""OK! OK! I will do it as he reached for the gun and I could see it plain as day. That second the his hand touched the gun I hit with with everything I had. I shattered his right side of his jaw to such a extreme he had to go into surgery to get it fixed. I laid back and felt sick, I am not a fan of harming people and at that point I was exhausted. Thankfully I hit him hard enough that I was able to rest for fifteen minutes and eventually stumble out of the car and run. I came across a Navy personnel who was driving down the road. I ran into of him and screamed for help. Finally, he got out and he said ""what is wrong, what happened?"" I was so exhausted and afraid I could barely tell him. When I managed to he dialed 911. I was taken to the hospital, It took 8 hours with NO Narcan to get it out of my system. I used the restroom twice, had a bottle of Gatorade and a bottle of water to drink. I was not allowed to sleep. I was in psychosomatic state of mind and was not hallucinating prior to being there. When my urine analysis came back I was informed and it hit like a ton of bricks. Walls melted and shifted violently, the floor rose up like ocean waves, I just wanted to be home. I was alone and afraid, no use of my phone was allowed or any phone for that matter. When I talked to the detective in charge of handling the case, I was threatened with if the person I put into a coma died I would face man slaughter charges, that I should be happy that I was not being charged with assault and battery on the person who is jaw I broke, I was still tripping. I pointed out the fact that the evidence gathered from that vehicles dash cam proved it was self-defense.. I got a response of "" I do not care"". Funny because I am 7.4% Balkan and 14.9% Scandinavian. When I told her that she did not like it and said we shall see about that. In the end the case was thrown into a incinerator, all because I could not bring them to the point of kidnapping. Yet, we have tech that allows us to trace cellphone signals.. I told her my number and she refused to it. I gave her names of everyone there, told her to call Netherland's spec ops who were there to protect me, nothing was done... I told her to her face this ""You are a Cunt, you are a corrupt piece of trash and that I would stop at nothing until I had everyone even remotely affiliated with what had happened dead before a firing squad, even swore to God"".... Well people who know me know I keep promises, especially to God. I finally have called everything into question, now its time for hellfire and brimstone. I should be depressed, I should have so many issues and I truly thank God for getting me through it. Believe in what you want its your choice. This is a factual story and really did happen. It is not all I went through. 11 years of my life dedicated to hunting everyone even remotely affiliated, the more I found out the sicker to my stomach it made me. Raped and child molestation, direct connections to the Federal Government. I never thought for a second it would be that deep. I had no real clue as the truth of how far the rabbit hole went down. I went to the bottom, and came back up. Never allow anyone to change who you are, You are far more valuable when you have respect and love then to become like them. The only way people will ever beat you is when you give into what THEY want. YouTube aggressive motivational speech, picture of a Lion. I helped write it and spoke my piece. Something I feel needs to be shared",Depression +21286,"I feel sick for days on end because I do not eat enough and all I can do is lay in bed and listen to my stomach and smell the dirty dishes in the sink and think about how I have not washed my hair in days and feel more and more sick until I just go back to sleep to shut it all out. I do not feel sad, I just feel sick and exhausted and disinterested. I used to do so much like art and guitar and hikes when I was a teenager but now my interests just sit across the room from me collecting dust. On days I work I manage to get more done unless I just end up going to bed around 7pm when I get home. But usually I will have random bursts of motivation which will allow me to do cleaning and some hygienic things. it is so embarrassing because when my boyfriend gets home he just sees me laying in bed still at 5 or 6pm and he has to go do things and I have spent the day thinking maybe I will be able to drag myself out of bed if we can just go out and do something. But of course he is usually busy and even when we go do things I always come back here and feel like I just want to sleep. He helps do chores when I do not do them but I cannot expect him to pick it all up for me. And I am sitting here thinking I need to get my shit together. How can he be attracted to someone like this. How can I show up at my parent's house looking great and convincing them my life is going so well, just to go home and lay in bed again, and think about how my body is only going to deteriorate more the longer I lay here. I know I will not get my shit together though. it is weird to have people call you admirable and capable just because you have a half decent job or a degree but inside you do not feel like really anything half memorable or interesting. Just because I can read into what people are saying, or like to learn a lot, does not really mean I am any different from anyone else, and at the end of my life my interests will not actually mean anything or make a difference, because we kind of just live and then die, and that is it. I have health conditions that also make functioning just hard for me, POTS and structural issues. Makes it hard to walk around sometimes, to just get up, to stay active and feel full of energy. And I do not think my emotions are too related to that, it just combines into a larger hurdle for me to overcome.I dunno. I do not feel a lot. it is the fact that I do not feel a lot, and when I do I sob like a child and my heart feels like it is about to explode, and then I go back into this numb, hungry sleep until the next time I am alive enough to feel pain again. This is rambly and borders on nonsensical but I am just saying what I am thinking. I certainly talk to some people in my life about my feelings but all that is done is made me realize I sound like a broken record, and after a point they do not need to ask why I am crying or why I bailed on all of the plans, because they have heard it about a million times. Breaking out of the cycle feels impossible",Depression +21287,I am suicidal because I want to be cuddled and have sex. I just want to feel the experience of someone wanting me. Even just cuddling would be nice. I am 26 and have anxiety. Talking to people can be hard for me. I just want to find someone close to me in Washington who will actually cuddle with me. Because I need this. I want to meet someone who is nice enough to do this with me. These lonely feelings keep getting to me,Suicidal +21288,"Am I the only one who thinks that being in your 20s is the worst years of your life ever?! I got severe anxiety bad depression at 20 and I am 24 now.. I have been trying to get my shit together by going to one of the top universities in California, working, eating healthy,and working out. I am trying to better myself! Any advice or guidance on this.. I just feel stuck, lonely, and incompetent in a sense. I do not have a lot of friends because people sucks! Quality over quantity type of thing! Cheers :) 24 and Depressed af",Depression +21289,Where can I get cyanid pill? Cyanid,Suicidal +21290,"I have struggled with depression/anxiety for many years. Although I had a tough/traumatic childhood, my life now is pretty peaceful. Married to a wonderful man, no debt, own our home/cars, about to finish grad school etc. But for some reason, I cannot seem to shake the idea of worthlessness. I have no solid friends, and have many broken relationships. I chalk it up to anxiety/akwardness when around others- but my initial thoughtis that I am unlovable or a bother. I assum I am unlikable, therfore I most likely manifest those beliefs into reality. I feel stuck. And I feel like an imposter because my career is focused in mental health. Perhaps because I have been doing the same thing day after day for so long? No outside hobbies? Little drive to interact with others as it exhausts me? I do not have a plan or a strong desire to end my life. But I sure as hell think about it a lot. And that alone, is exhausting in itself. Ideations",Suicidal +21291,"Please, I just need one reason why i should not just yeet myself into oncoming traffic. Nothing matters. Nothing fucking matters. Its all pointless and i do not understand why people think otherwise. I used to think that too myself. What happened? Why am I like this? I am such a complete fucking loser and a waste on societys resources. Honestly. What is the reason that so many other people seem to understand but not me? Someone please give me a reason",Suicidal +21292,"Obviously enjoyment is a struggle period, but a lot of us can at least remember a time when we enjoyed our personal hobbies, even if it was for a fleeting five minutes every year for years. Be it writing a song, painting a picture, sipping tea with a book, a walk in the park at sunset with no one around, meeting with friends or family, whatever. But collective happiness/enjoyment seems unreachable and I cannot remember a time when I could partake in it. Collective would be such as what is going on now with euro football - people at work talking about it, taking a day off for it, meeting up at the pub to celebrate, getting hyper and rowdy etc. I just think...what is the point? A few rich folk kicking a ball brings millions of people happiness, even though their actions of kicking a ball is so alienated from you as an individual? This could be for anything, so it is not the sport/hobby/rally. Could be the world cup, the Olympics, basically anything that can be a collective. Does anyone feel this way or can express this better? Christmas is another collective I would always felt my depression worsening, because it starts in September in the shops and basically demands a collective celebratory approach as it leads into new year where many countries blast off millions of pounds/dollars/euros into the sky for five minutes of collective enjoyment, when it could be spent on health or education or homelessness, and I would rather celebrate christmas enjoying a day, and only a day for it, with good food and good company. Anybody else struggle with collective enjoyment?",Depression +21293,I know how. there is no 100% success rate but a chance is still there. I do want to see a light but all I see are shitty lonely times in which I struggle with psychotic symptoms.Someone want to have a chat in the comments? Got plans for tonight,Suicidal +21294,"it takes so much effort.it is so demanding.everyone else deals with it just fine, so I am just weak and worthless. I am so tired of existing",Depression +21295,"I felt pretty bad when I sat in front of him and he told me that, followed by ""You managed to put on make-up and brush your hair so it cannot be that bad"". About a month before that, I tried to kms. I was obviously unsuccessful. So unsuccessful that no one noticed but the moment still sticks with me and it is been over a year. I still think about things like that regularly.I have depression and pretty awful anxiety so on one hand I do not care but I care too much about the wrong things. ""You do not look like you do not care"" or ""You do not look depressed are probably the dumbest things anyone can say and it is worse to hear from a person you are supposed to trust. How many people, who ""did not look depressed"" actually were and no one noticed until it was too late. I know so many people who look well put together but they have horrible stories and their outlook on life is so miserable. Many people do not look the way they felt inside because as soon as they do people either do not believe them, tell them they do it for attention or are just overreacting and what not. Not caring can look many different ways and it not obvious, that is the dangerous thing about it. I wish more people would understand that. My therapist told me a while ago, that I do not look like I do not care",Depression +21296,"every day my family demands more from me.every day things I like are taken away from me.I am not worth having good things or happiness anyway.If I find comfort in something, i immediately need to be reminded that it is a loan given by someone else.Nothing I have is my own.Everything can and will be taken away from me.I cannot afford and do not deserve any of the good things in my life.The good things should be taken away from me.The only way to continue to the next day is to tear myself apart.I want to die so bad every day I get more exhausted",Suicidal +21297,"It can be really tough to open up about mental health struggles, or something in our lives that may because or contribute to depression. I have the faith the risk to share is in fact worth it though.Something great that happened to me recently, my friend helped me stay in a motel for a couple days, to have space from a stressful circumstance. It helped me realize I am not stuck in an endless loop of the same old, and there are things I can do which might be scary and uncertain but will also change my trajectoryI'd love to hear your encouraging stories too! What was something great that happened as a result of sharing your true experiences with someone?",Depression +21298,"I just feel so alone. That stupid because ppl see me as a girl that seems happy, a little introverted maybe but joyful and all. I tried to take some meds because I am so tired of thinking. I just want to stop thinking. Never saw a therapist or a psychiatrist because it is complicated where I live and I do not have the money for it.Rn I am drinking bc I know that if I took a med my mother would notice itI'm just so tired because sometimes it actually get better. Like I do not feel sad, not really happy but not sad and it is so much better than feeling nothing or just infinite sadness. Not going to lie, first I was coming there because I was hopping someone could help me find something that could get me high enough to stop thinking. it is against the rules apparently so yeah instead I am just venting. I do not even know if someone will answer me. I just want to disappear. Still do not know why I am alive. Every year just keep getting worse. But in the same times I meet new people that seems to like me, but each time they leave. Now I am starting to think I am the problem.I wish I could help all the people there, maybe it could give some meaning to my life. But like I said before I did not even come for that, just for myself. I do not even know why I am going to post but I have the impression that it will help me? Anyway, good luck you all. do not know if it will get better but I guess we only have one way to find out, even if it is so hard to stay around. Not a interesting title",Depression +21299,"I (16F) live with my mother. My father left for ""work"" when I was very little. He never texted/called me (on my birthday once a year) or supported us financially. He comes home every 1-2 years for a ""visit"" and it is hell for me. My parents are not married, they do not really get along but they are not split up either. I wanted to have a dad like all my friends but now the deed is done and I want to cut him off. He feels like a stranger to me and I would not say that I ""hate"" him necessarily but sometimes I do. Whenever I try to explain this to my mom she says that he is my dad and that he loves me in ""his way"". Then I start crying and she starts screaming at me to stop because this is not a good reason. My mom makes me feel like it is my fault and that I am doing it for ""attention"" or ""on purpose"". I try to at least tolerate him but I cannot. I just remember the times when he once beat me really bad when we were on holiday (the only time but it stuck with me) or when he had s*x with my mother next to me and made me smell his hand after fingering her(I am sorry, this is really embarrassing but I had to say it because it is the biggest reason I hate him so much). I remember this like it is happening right now and often I cry about this. I was little and maybe they think I ""forgot"" or did not know what is going on. I tell my mom that I cannot stand him but never about these reasons, but i know for a fact she will gaslight me. I also remember the times he played with me but the things he did (doing the deed next to me, letting me hear them on holiday) were just horrible and traumatic. One time they did it in the bed i was supposed to be sleeping in and the sheets were all sweaty and gross, and they let me sleep in it. I might be overreacting though. 2 years ago he stayed like 2 months and I am scared he will want to stay this long too this time. Also the last year I have struggled with an eating disorder and I lost like 100 lbs, and he remembers me like being chubby. I am almost fully recovered now and learning to accept myself and my weight gain and he will make some comments that I do not wish to hear, I do not want to relapse. This year I will go to my grandmother while he is at my house and I hope to not be forced to see him. Now that is the whole thing, I do not hate him because he left me but because of those sexual things. I am fully AWARE being abandoned does not count as abuse and I completely agree and I do not hate him for that, but for the other things he did. Whenever I said something that did not sit right with me he was like ""Come on you are grown up, you are not 2 years old so you can understand those things"" and making me feel like it is my fault. I just moved home after 3 months of staying at my grandmother (my house was in renovations) and I was really excited to come back home. I had plans for summer and now he is coming to fuck my entire summer break, I have to stay at grandma's... I really wish he is stay at a hotel or something. he is calling my mother (to tell her he is coming) and i have so much anxiety. I wish she would understand me and would not let him in. I have to make my luggage. My mom tells me I am exaggerated. I thought about killing myself just to make her feel guilty, to make her feel all that I felt. I am such a horrible human. I am tired",Suicidal +21300,"I do not know when I became this way. Talking and getting to know people feels so monotonous. I already know the conversation will reach a lull or go somewhere I am not tryna take it. Since apparently I am lacking in personality. I feel like there is something about me, that makes me hard to love or even like for me, its like I can only deal with people in small doses. Yet, loneliness still comes creeping in. Truth is I want to talk to someone.. on a deep emotional level. Yet, I find everything so predictable now a days. I know its me. Not them. In general everything seems quite pointless. I have been depressed or just saddish off and on since I was 7. I am 19 , and I am afraid this is all there is to life. I feel that I am destined to be this sad, miserable, numb, empty she will of a women and all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry. But the antidepressants will not let me. Talking to people feels pointless. what is wrong with me ?",Depression +21301,Hello I am 13 years old and i just want to die. But I am scared like i do not want to die but i do it just killing my brain. Why?Well my family does not understand me all they is just ground me take away my phone and sign me up to classes that i do not like and they go We LoVe YoU sO mUcH.Then why the hell you do this to me I am currently in my room while writing this and my dad is bragging about my school and grades to my step_mother i got +80 on every single one of them what the hell you want and i forgot to mention i go to summer classes to i just do not know what to do so i came to the only people who understand meRedditorsPlease if you know how i can fix this mess please help me Help PLEASE,Suicidal +21302,"Depression gives me zero confidence, so I am left here avoiding society. It makes me feel so detached to the point that the world feels unreal. I cannot bring myself to leave my room and socialize",Depression +21303,"fuck sake. I feel really really low and overwhelmed tonight. I do not know what i can do, when i try to turn my mood around and find positives i just return to the dark place again. i am struggling to stay fooat. i keep thinking about how to do it and the thought alone was comforting but now it just seems like the only option- i do not know how to make it all stop i cannot stop the thoughts...",Suicidal +21304,"I am so depressed i cannot move, my body feels so weak. I am so exhausted all the time, i cannot stop crying. everything hurts so bad i hate the person i am, my depression has made me stop taking caring of myself as much. i feel so fuckin ugly, i used to feel a little pretty but now i hate to even look at myself. i hate moving, my body hurts. my head hurts and i just want to fall back asleep. i feel like this nearly everyday i do not know how to stop it, i am nothing. I am so alone. i cannot get out of bed",Depression +21305,"I have been badly depressed my whole life. Or at least gloomy. My parents were always nicer and favored my sister. They were usually more attentive and lenient to her. Her life has gone pretty well while my life has genuinely has nothing going for it.I was not a good student, i got into a community college and had to drop out due to injury. I have always had bad legs, my knees always buckled and my feet do not point straight and it always made it hard to walk. Since i was little. it is led to my falling a lot and having resulting injuries. 2 dislocations, a broken ankle and i broke my kneecap. The last injury was horrific, i had to drop out of college, walk in braces for over a year, 3 surgeries, wheelchairs and walkers. I am a burden on my family with all my health problems. I do not have insurance and have no money.I have always had weight problems. I suffer from obesity, always have been since i was 8. I know what and what not to eat, but nobody to push me to do it. I give in to bad food more often then i like to admit. I cannot make myself stick to diet. And i cannot exercise because of the disabilities, i also just do not have the drive. I cannot even stand for 10 minutes wihtout getting fatigued. I want to but i cannot push myself to do it. I feel myself getting bigger, i thought i could finally exercise when my family got a pool but i cannot get in. it is just above my hip and i cannot get in, I am scared to death of ladders, i cannot step over the side. I really want in but i cannot. I think my years of being obese are starting to catch up to me, I would guess i probably do not have much time left anyway.On top of the weight are a myriad of other health problems I have been stuck with. I am not body confident because every man in the family is taller then me. they are all tall and I am way shorter, i even have small hands and feet. I feel like i have a kid's body. they are all multi talented, while i just cannot physically do anything. I cannot play sports, i cannot sing, i cannot dance or anything. The only thing going for me is that i know really random trivia from years of watching quiz shows.I cannot work so i live with my mom. I literally stay in bed all day. Sleeping, screwing around online and watching anime.I am also getting lonely, i have no friends, i talk to nobody. I have never hung out with a friend or texted a person. I also am still a virgin. I honestly do wish i could experience a relationship one time before i go. it is what I will regret most. But i knew it would not happen due to my looks in general, and my complete lack of social skills.I finally found a community that accepted me. r/waifuism, i have a waifu, since i was a kid i had a crush on a female anime character, i knew a real relationship was not going to be a part of my life, so i embraced the waifuism. 6 months I have been posting on there and they banned me out of nowhere. That was a heavy blow, for months I have regularly been contributing to this page and it was the closest i had to real friends and i suddenly got banned.I cannot stick to anything. Even simple things like writing fanfiction or making YouTube videos. I have had stories I have posted a chapter to on hold for years. I regret doing that, i do not even have an excuse, i just quit. I have 0 drive to do anything. I do not even know what I would want to do if i could work. I have thought about becoming a VA but i do not have the drive. it is my dream, since I have always liked cartoons. I know I will regret that and not finishing the fanfic's. But that is it. The closest thing for me is that i want to meet my idol, a woman who I have been a fan of for years and who voiced some of my favorite anime characters. She left an impact on my childhood, I would want to meet her and thank her for that.The only thing that is really stopping me is my grandmother. I love her to death and losing me would completely devastate her. She already lost 1 son, he died of cancer a few years back. A lifetime of loneliness and health problems, along with just having nothing to live for.",Suicidal +21306,"I have finally been feeling physically and mentally well and planning for the future and I just broke my foot. I am so angry at my foot. Now I am back to sitting on the couch and dependent for everything since I have to keep weight off of it. I am lucky to have someone to help me but it is such a setback that I feel sad and discouraged. I really do not want it to lead into a depression and just hoping my meds keep it from going there. I am a BTS ARMY so I am trying to just pay attention to good stuff from them. I just have this persistent sadness every time I look at my damn leg. I am in a boot that comes up to my knee for a while, at least until I see an ortho on the 20th to tell me different. I feel like crying but cannot in front of my support person. The earliest I can talk to someone is later this week so I guess I was needing to vent where people understand how hard it is to pretend to be okay when you really are not. Just feeling sad",Depression +21307,"Oh yeah, so why the fuck does he make ugly people? Why did he made me to be ugly and allow people to drive me to suicide? If God cares about me, then why the fuck is he so sadistic as fuck? I hope he is proud of himself! ""God do not like ugly""",Suicidal +21308,"Hello. Its me. Again. If you want to read this, do it. If no, then do not.Look, this is a dark world. Everyone is not truly happy, no one is. Even if you say so. Everyone has a mask. And everyone is hiding something. I am trying so fucking bad. I was trying to get better. And I see I am getting worse. Now I am trying to hide it. Today I did a small cut, more like a scratch, on my right hand. I just cannot anymore. I am turning back to self harm.I am trying to tell someone about this. But whenever I start and say something like that, they say I am annoying, its weird, and to stop.I know I have people that love me. Want me. Need me. That care about me. But if so, why the fuck am I still feeling lonely?let us imagine this. You are the place where a light bulb is staying in. You have a light bulb, lighting, representing your happiness. At a moment, the light bulb is breaking, and you are sad. The light bulb goes away. Oh, you expected the happy ending ? Another light bulb coming back ""if yOu tRy aNd fIgHt"" ? Nah.you are waiting there, for the light bulb to come. But instead, darkness and dust comes. And you give up, breaking too.Everything has an end. Sometimes we create it, sometime it creates it self.And sometimes, we wait for it, but it does not come. And we stay there, we suffer.Hey, ask you this question : ""Do I want to die, or things to get better?"". You would say the second answer. No one wants to die, everyone wants to live for eternity. No one does. Everything has an end. And this place is surrounded by ice and darkness. And you want to go to warm and light. So either you wait and suffer, breaking apart slowly, either do it right away.This is life.Suck it up.No one wins.Everyone looses. Hey.",Suicidal +21309,I am broke but have found money to drink like usual. I do not have a drinking problem I have an escaping from my feelings problem. Sometimes its food or tv or games or my phone. But. The thing is this week is so important. I have several interviews for high paying jobs. I will not be broke anymore. But instead of celebrating I still want to die. I do not want to do this all by myself anymore. I am all alone financially supporting myself my bf my animals. I love them all and I do not want to leave. But they deserve better. I do not know. I am broke lol,Suicidal +21310,"I am currently contemplating dying. I am giving myself until morning. I have been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for 5 years now and the only reason I have not done it yet was because of my waiting policy. I would always wait a week after a horrible experience to decide whether to die or not. I would always decide no in the hopes of something good happening soon. Thinking back, I cannot seem to remember many good things, only more bad things in a row. I guess I am writing here in the hopes of being heard. For the past 5 years I have never once felt heard and I think I have waited long enough. I feel helpless. I hope this is not my last goodbye. felt a bit lonely haha",Depression +21311,"Normally I can keep my time and my mind occupied so I do not think about it but sometimes I observe something that triggers feelings of sadness and hopelessness. It usually involves seeing other people move up in life. I, on the other hand, have not found any success. To success in career, finances, skills and hobbies, nothing. Its just wake up, go to my soul crushing job, go to sleep, repeat. Its not as if I have not tried to pursue success in different areas of life. I have and continue to do so but I have only failed. Those of who are a bit older know what I mean when I say, at some point you have to come to terms with your own limitations. Not everyone will succeed in this life. Not everyone has the talent, intelligence, and right circumstances. If there are winners in this world (the ones you see and hear about), then there are a lot more losers. Feeling down about my lack of success",Depression +21312,really what the fuck why should anyone be happy right now or why would you be? I am sick of people trying to pretend like there is any reason to be happy or even content. My city has hit the highest temperature in July and also the lowest it ever has this year. Nice global warming! And then a fucking pandemic with constantly evolving strains. A housing crisis. A collapsing economy. Even ignoring the state of the world I have mental illnesses more complex than depression and I am constantly sick and I am way below the poverty line. what is there to be happy about? Nothing. Nothing. As long as humans are alive it will always be nothing. We will probably decimate ourselves in a war and maybe whatever overtakes us will be happy. But we will never be happy Being depressed is the only option in our current society. Being happy through the world ending is the real mental illness,Suicidal +21313,"I am Strong, but I am tiredDont know how else to sum it up really A quote that I found",Suicidal +21314,"Not even intentionally, just wanted to feel nice, i curshed up some pills and did them thru my nose and wnded upoverdosing ! coukddt even type i wa panicking and messaging my gc and i got left on read for the most part or they sent a meme whenni started venting I am so ficking mwd becauseif i take pills = funnyif i overdose = not serious hut when i die its a tradegy?? fucking selfish nan i want to kms Friends do not care like at all",Suicidal +21315,"Long story short my mom's brother and mom committed suicide at our out and blamed her when she did nothing but support them and provide for them. Now my mom had a mental and emotional breakdown and cannot really function anymore outside our home. She cannot work cannot go out and do things unless I take her she will not try to get any SS, she goes through off and on depression because she wants to work and be a contributing person but she cannot. This leaves me trapped I am 24 I spend a few days a week helping her through her depression. I work full time and work my ass off to support us normal hours and I like my work though. But I will not ever be able to afford to do anything (my dream is to travel but cannot do it)cannot have a serious relationship because what girl in her right mind would move in with me. My drinking has gone up a tremendous amount from maybe once or twice a month to almost every night, it helps keep my mind from going down a rabbit hole of depression. And after losing 70 pounds I am slowly regaining it because I eat because I am unhappy and unhappy because I eat (fat bastard quote). I have to be the adult and responsible one so not much I can do sadly... anyways venting over... Depressed because I am supporting my mom and my situation will not change..",Depression +21316,"Lost my dream job back in April, and separated from my girlfriend and the love of my life in June. Everything I built for myself is gone. I am working a deadend job delivering amazon packages and I do not have the energy to keep doing this anymore. I am registering for a firearm on Tuesday and ending my life on my shift once I have received it. I am tired. Lost everything I cared about. I am done.",Suicidal +21317,"I am 21 and my depression has worsened significantly to the point I know I cannot work, however my parents are not exactly supportive of me trying for disability but I see that as my only option, if I get disability I can look into a group home or a supported independent living, I see that as my only real option otherwise I feel I may try and end my life if I end up homeless. Looking at the system I am not to hopeful of getting accepted because of how America treats the disabled.. I just do not want to die Unsure what is going to happen next.",Depression +21318,"I have honestly had enough. everything is worth what? nothing.people have told me for years ""it gets better, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"" is it though? when does it get better? 18 fucking years is pretty long term to me. Nothing temporary here. when does it end then? What the fuck have you been through to be able to say that in confidence to me? It ends when I do. this is the permanent solution to a permanent problem. Why should I have to suffer and live this punishment, when the people I stayed for are thriving and i have to sit and watch them? feeling numb and constantly thinking why was not I the one who was able to live like that? my ex boyfriend dead, my mam and dad non existent, siblings want nothing to do with me, friends have just left. i just want to end it all. The feeling of feeling nothing but peace, no mental illness, no trauma, no nothing even if its for a second, That I would die for. rant at life",Suicidal +21319,What even is the point of living? Its nothing but pain. Pointless pain. I do not know what to do.,Suicidal +21320,I have been struggling to cope for a while. today i went out for the first time in months for a social gathering- was paniky the whole time and then my mom humiliated me in front of everyone by drawing attention to my self-harm. I feel so fucking done. I do not have anything and i feel hopeless. I feel so isolated and unable to talk to anyone about how i am feeling without being told that I am selfish :( giving up.,Depression +21321,"Not excited by anything , not happy with anything, just sit around and lose my mind with copious amounts of daydreaming. Perpetual Boredom",Suicidal +21322,Before I was always worried about missing out and not living my life to the fullest and now that I have failed I just do not have the energy to care about anything and I do not know what I want anymore I just cannot see what I am living for I feel defeated,Depression +21323,"So I recently moved to a new city, away from most people I know and love. There are nights and days I get lonely. I almost feel as life is pointless and that there is no point in doing even the slightest tasks. When I do not do something I beat myself up over it for hours. Oh do not even get me started on night time, that is when I feel ALL my thoughts creeping up and it sends me into a spiral of emotions, Ill spend most of the night crying. Sometimes I cannot even find the reason why. People tell me I need to reach out and find new friends and people to connect with but I do not even know where to start, and having anxiety makes it so much harder. Needing advice",Depression +21324,"Stares, as I walk in the hallsStares, as I walk past the wallsI dress different, I do not act the sameIt does not matter, it is not a gameStares, staring at me everydayIn life, I know no other waySo I am different, why does everyone seem to care Always, always, staring I hate it when they stareAsking me always, what I belive inBelieving in nothing, is not a sinSometimes I wish people had no eyesSo it would be easier to see all their liesNo more staring, no more lyingNo more eyes, as I lay dyingHere in my hard cold bedWill anyone notice when I am dead2-11- 2005 Stares",Suicidal +21325,"Titles says it all, I just want answers please, I do not mind if you want to voice your opinion but please give me my answer first Is there such a thing as a non painful way to kill myself?",Depression +21326,I thought I was getting betterI do not know if any of you have watched Ozark but at one point the bipolar guy talks about how he like wakes up one day and it is like oh I remember now how I feel or something like that I do not think I am bipolar but I really relate to that part. it is like I am doing alright for a while but only because for some reason I do not really get to feel my emotions and then it flips back and I remember that I am still depressedthis is kind of fucked but I spend a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if some serial killer took out my entire extended family and I could either live alone and do whatever or just end it without making anyone else sad yknow but also that would ruin me so it would almost certainly be the latter not again,Depression +21327,I am looking for antidepressants with my Real Event OCD and I want to know if anyone had any success with antidepressants for OCD. Do Antidepressants help with OCD?,Depression +21328,"My ultra toxic family made me much more suicidal than I am in last 3 years. I do not know what to do. I have no balls to leave home. I live in a 3rd world country and probably I will die in streets If I leave. They ruined my childhood and satill ruining my life. I could not do something which will make my happy until this day bcz of them. 20 empty years. I am trapped inside those walls and I know nobody's going to save me. Instead of living here trapped, ending my life seems more logical for me. I have come to an end",Depression +21329,As I sit here trying to think of all the reasons why I should not kill myself I cannot help but cry and feel like I need to stay alive for my autistic four year old son. I am tired you guys my soul feels drained I am finding myself contemplating killing myself for a month now my partner thinks that I am being a bitch and I am not paying attention to him a little does he know what I am actually feeling and I am actually scared to talk about it out loud that is why i have not spoken to him about it Tired,Suicidal +21330,"So me and this girl I like have been texting and calling each other almost everyday for about 3 months now, but recently she is stopped calling and replying to my texts. Did I do something wrong? Was I being too annoying with my texts? Did she get bored of me? Was I bothering her? I do not understand what happened and I am afraid that she does not like me at all anymore. Just need somewhere to vent my anxieties",Depression +21331,"Can you imagine being a nobody, being a booty call baby, living in an abandoned building, mom could not afford to raise me so she gave me to my grandma, pop not in yo life but just to save face..in and out jail, mental abuse from my grandad and was probably right about me, remembering yo pop stealing everything yo grandma bought for you, and when he finally got his life together when he felt like it everyone suppose to forgive and forget but would not do the same back, my grandma dying on the day after my 18th birthday, you see these two coming into your life to save face, but yourself filled with hatred and sick thoughts wanting to do sick things. Now they are off the hook living their best life while i have nothing filled with hatred towards them and everything you done and they done becomes your fault. I should not have these feelings of wanting them to see themdead. I never had confidence and always was quiet since I was little. Since i do not matter and cannot make people laugh my problems do not matter. I do not regret anything i done to them nor that family. I am about to be dead sleeping outside and i cannot wait. None of them will see me face to face because i promise nothing would come out of it butdeath. Idgaf if everything i did was my fault. I have nothing to lose so if anyone of you and everyone else who known me try to come after me i promise i will ruin everything you all worked hard for. you all may have gotten away with everything you all did in yalls past due to my mess ups staying with you both which was the worst decision i ever made. What that did made you all off the hook. I promise you all i will find a way in the next life to make all you all lives a living hell because i know i llbe deaad before you all will. If you all see this, this is Parish and i always hated you both and I am not scared to even write or say this. I hate you both so much and when idie out here I vow to get my revenge. And have somebody come see me i promise you I am going to take it as a threat and i ll maul and rip their flesh apart like a cannibal.You all quick to bring up my wrong but when it comes to you all ""its it is in the past"". Thise mind games art of war 48 laws of power will not work. Freemason. I will not surprised ifu sacrificed yo own mom. I hopeu die Clinton. I hate alll of you more than you dislike me. Fuhc family.",Suicidal +21332,"Like said above, I would think the best is overdose but from what I can tell its incredibly painful Is there such a thing as a non painful way to kill myself, or are all of them truly painful like people say it is",Suicidal +21333,every thing that is supposed to matter to me feels so insignificant when I am constantly haunted by the fact that the people that i once found solace in and the people that i care about the most are not part of my life anymore and will not be for as long as i live. all because of me i cannot explain how much i despise myself. weirdly enough the lurking possibility of ceasing to exist is somewhat comforting. how can one possibly be expected to be ok. they are just thoughts they are not supposed to hurt,Suicidal +21334,"I have never been the type to keep things dirty. I like organizing and planning. But these past weeks, I cannot even bring myself to clean up my room. That usually end up with me being scolded by my parents and even tho they know I have depression, they do not think doing daily tasks should bother me this much, I am just being lazy etc.Am I ? Am I being lazy? I do not know. I am tired. I just showered and i did not even want to stand up. I wanted to get out. When I did, I just went back to my shitty room and that did not help. I feel so bad but I do not have the energy to fix it. My room is a mess",Depression +21335,"I woke up really happy because I finally managed to tidy my room. It felt nice not waking up to clutter for once. I thought I was getting better. These last few weeks my life has been improving. I love my friends, I have a really sweet boyfriend and after a year of searching, I have finally found a job.But now I am crying. My brother was shouting at me. Everyday my family make it clearer that they just do not respect me as a human. They think that because we are family they can treat me however they want. I cannot wait to leave. I am moving out in September and I have decided I am going to limit how much contact I have with them once I do. My parents are very controlling and will want to call me every night. they will want me to visit every holiday. But that is not happening. I am done feeling guilty about wanting to cut ties w my famuily when all they do is make me feel like shit. I am crying right now",Depression +21336,Over it at this point going to go try again hopefully it works this time Fuck being alive,Suicidal +21337,i think about the life i used to have and my chest hurts I am so lonely,Depression +21338,Why do we spend our whole lives running from something that will always catch up to us?Why should I live when I am going to inevitably die someday? Why are we afraid of death when it is the inevitable end of everything?,Suicidal +21339,"I got my first suicidal thoughts a few months back. I do not know why I am getting them. I never was abused, school is decent and I got a few good friends. I just do not want to live in this world anymore. I spoke with my parents a few months ago with this. They said they love me and they never want me to do it but I just do not feel anything. Now I get suicidal thoughts everyday all day and it exhausts me. I do not know what to do anymore and I probably will never get the thoughts out of my head The tought I probably wil live with suicidal thoughts the rest of my live wants me to kill myself even sooner.",Suicidal +21340,"I am really ashamed of writing this, but regardless of what I do the sorrow does not go away.I am confused as to whether it is the physical pain making me suicidal or it is the mind making my body sick.I do not think I really mean it, I cannot hurt others like that, but the thought of being alive another 20 or 30 years terrifies me. This comes from a person who did not protest when they told me the vaccine would be given to me in 3 months, so idk. it is just thought of self hatred. I could get the best job, have a lovely family but still feel like this inside. I do not want anyone to get attached to someone like me, it would eat them alive, or I would when it gets bad. I know I am being dramatic, I have nothing to complain about from the outside, I just do not want to be with myself anymore. cannot I just break up from my mind?The other day I thought it would be nice if someone could lobotomize me or something.I just really do not want any of this, I lost sight at the end of the tunnel. Since I am here I am going to write it all.The first time it happened, to have such thoughts, I was 9, i remember my mum being stressed and mean to me while being lovely to my best friend, I thought I should just take the kitchen knife and stab myself. I do not know what is this thing for stabs, I guess bleeding out seems better than not breathing to me.Then it became a ""I do not want to exist"" kind of thing. Then it was ""I wish I was dead"" . But now I am really struggling to contain it, I am imagining full scenarios where some stranger on the street comes and stabs me to death, or a bus hits me. This sort of thing, I think it would be easier to process for others if someone else did it, they would not have to feel sad about it.I am not thinking about it i swear, but what if this keeps growing? I am afraid of getting locked somewhere. I am not that bad, I am good. I can fake it some more. When I distract myself it is ok until it seems fake. All my personality seems fake when I am around people. I am so ashamed of this thoughts, I cannot fanthom tell someone. At the same time it is ok, maybe it will pass. I am really ashamed but it is what is happening in my head, and I am tired of trying to fit some standard of what I should be doing in life to feel happy. Done that, tried that, I just got extreme anxiety from it, not happiness.They say it comes from within, I feel my within rotting. And this is not even me being sad. I just despise myself, I am fucking lucky, I got a pretty face, I am white, I have a roof over my head. But living is so hard, people are so difficult, I am tired. Wishing someone else did it for me",Suicidal +21341,"I just cannot do this anymore, I genuinely feel alone & I know that I am not because my family & friends are here for me but nothing works. I genuinely want to just draw in a hole & fade away. I have no motivation anymore & my mind is just filled with bad memories & memories I do not want to remember anymore. I just want it to stop, I want one day just one where I can be at peace. I just want to be free of this, I cannot go on any longer. Overwhelmed and defeated",Depression +21342,"the title basically says it all. i do not want to exist, feel, be alive anymore, yet the thought of what comes after death terrifies me. I am so extremely tired of feeling the way i do everyday, when its bad all i want to do is be gone, but, that fear of what comes after consumes me each time. i do not know what to do anymore, i feel trapped, hopeless, i do not know what is left for me. i do not want to be alive anymore, but I am scared to die.",Suicidal +21343,"I have lost motivation for just about everything. Anything seems like a chore to do. I do not eat because it seems like a waste of time. I do not cry because I just do not want to deal with that. My life has evolved into total apathy. Hell, my nieces came over recently and I love them with all my heart but I could not even be bothered with getting out of bed. it is strange though, even though everything seems like a waste of time and not worth the effort, I do not really want to commit suicide. I guess total apathy has it is upsides. But I have barely left my bed for the past 4 months and I no longer keep in touch with my friends. The lies I have to make up to keep everyone from worrying are starting to collapse on themselves. And yet, I am not worrying about them whatsoever. I think I am hopelessly lost. Honestly? I think I have hit the rockiest of rock bottoms.",Depression +21344,"I hate myself. I think I have always done that to some extent for multiple reasons.I got help half a year ago and it is already a lot better most of the time.But there is one guy in my group of friends (we are not that close) that manages to trigger that ""you are fucking worthless"" part of me every single time we go out for a drink or something. I do not really know how or why and he definitely does not do it on purpose, but he always says something that puts me into that spiral and I cannot get out for the rest of the night and the entire next day. The same thing happened last night. I went to bed at like 7 am only because I was too tired to think about anything.Now we go out Monday night again and I really do not think I can go. I really want to see my firends but if it means 24 hours of suffering afterwards I do not know if it is worth it.I have considered talking to him about it but 1. I do not think he would understand me at all and 2. The next day everyone he know will probably know what I told himWhat do I do? I want to go out with friends but I am scared",Depression +21345,"I fucking hate myself so much I just want to die. I wish I looked like scrappiana on Instagram. Every time I look at her I get sad. I just do not like myself at all. There is nothing about me that I like...nothing. I am so antisocial, awkward and suicidal. I have been a outcast my entire life and still am to this point. I never had a boyfriend irl because no boys like me. I literally ruin everything I touch so I hesitate all the time. I have no personality, just boring asf. I look like a grumpy man. I should just die I hope someone shoots me in the head . I just want to be isolated from everyone. I keep telling myself when I turn 18 I am going to go kill myself. Period. (F15) I wish i was a new person",Suicidal +21346,It feels like my middle chest is tight. My heart feels like it is beating too fast. Sometimes it feels like it is hard to breathe. My eyes get really watery and it is hard to cry. Some days it feels like I just want to rip my chest open to make it stop. The first time it happened i was in dance class. I had that tight feeling in my chest and I just started crying I did not know what was wrong. After that I quit. I started losing interest in things I loved. Sometimes I would not even go to school and I started acting up. I would always be angry and that resulted in me and my mom having rocky relationship. She would ask me what is wrong with me I just would not know what to say. My freshman year I started seeing therapist. They wanted to give me medicine but my mom got upset and told them no. I am 18 now and I am tired of having this feeling. I have been trying to focus on getting my driver's license but it just feels like this a dark force is consuming my body. I cannot keep living like this. Can you feel your depression,Depression +21347,"Have severe depression. Had therapy friday and left feeling more hopeful, wanting to get better after a terrible week of being bedridden due to depression. Was even able to do dishes. But it all got ruined really fast. I told a friend I would not be able to play RPGs with him due to my condition, he was all offended and made it all about himself. I got negative feedback for my MA work and now I just feel worthless again. I know I should be happy I am still being able to study while feeling so horrible but it just makes me feel worse. I put all this effort into trying to keep my friends, my academic career, but I feel it is all for nothing. The desire to give up just gets stronger every day and I am getting worse. I lost so many people, family, friends, to COVID and even my dog died of cancer last year, I wish I still had something to cling onto but it all feels so pointless.I would be very thankful if anyone had some idea on how to let the negative things affect me less or just a word of sympathy. I do not know if it is the depression but everyone just seems so negative, like they just think I am lazy or taking too long to recover. I used to want to get better so much but now I just want to give up. Feel like my progress is worthless",Depression +21348,"life is great, but not for me. I am the one that is wrong.I really tried to do small things and better myself, be optimistic, help everyone I can, etc. But it does not matter, none of this matters.I am not strong, I am not smart, I have no desires, no motivations, I do not want to do anything anymore. I wish I was as smart and mature as people think I am. I am just a retard that talks nicely, with no common sense, that cannot learn, and cannot succeed at anything.I am too much of a coward to kill myself, but death seems like the only way out, I do not have the strenght to move past my sadness and tiredness, and I also do not want to stay here suffering, so what other option I have?I love my family and I wish I could support them, but I am too weak to even take care of myself.My dad thinks I spent too much time watching youtube videos, most of the time I actually spent doing nothing and feeling like shit. I do not have the desire to play videogames or watch youtube videos anymore, I just want to be dead.Even writing this note is too much energy for me, living like this is painful, and it has too end.do not tell me it will get better, I call out your bluff, you know it is not true right? Life only gets worse the more Iive, and if this does not apply to you, the keep quiet and do not lie to me.I do not want to live for others, I want to live for myself, and right now, I do not want to live.I was simply born wrong, I should not have lived this long, I do not deserve to live, I am worthless, and I wish I could have been born as a better person, just like the normal people that just get to enjoy their lives without much struggle.I regret not ending it sooner, I wasted a lot of resources that other people could have used. My Suicide note (for possible future use)",Suicidal +21349,"My little sister laughs at me and hides behind her older brother.My life cannot get any worse unless I get sick or injured but in terms of respect, it cannot.Both my brother and my mother have threatened to put me in mental hospital (I already been 4 times).I pray it does not happen to anyone else. Little sister",Depression +21350,"I do not want to be happy, I do not want to die, because I wish I was never born in the first place.My parents, two ignorant people, good people, but ignorant to the fact that existing is pain. I think I am pain because"" I think too much"", but thinking too much in this case means realizing the shit I am living in, just realizing I am alive. that is not too much, that just proves my point that living and worst yet, being able to understand that you are living and all this sensation of being alive and existing, it is like multiplying a pain that was already unbearable. I thought of slashing my flesh again until all that liquid that holds me alive (absurd if you ask me, a fucking liquid, a red liquid, and that is the reason I am suffering, because this fucking liquid is pouring into my mind which is an organ with a ridiculous form and colour and details, just a mass of shit) is out of this fucking flesh, this fucking frail flesh, I cannot stand it anymore. I have been taking lexapro for a month and a half now, and this shit does not work. This fucking shit does not fucking work but the doctor insists I continue taking it. Fuck him and fuck this medicine, why would being alive matter if I have to dump money on a fucking pill pack. Fuck this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cannot stand being alive. cannot stand existing.",Depression +21351,"idk why I am doing this maybe i m doing this to get some attention or maybe this is just me trying to distract myself (its not working very well).i ve been depressed for the last 5 years (that is kind of like 1/3rd of my life) i have literally no friends maybe its because of my poor social skills.everyday for the past year or so i ask myself do i just hang in there for one more day or kill myself using one of my plans.i ve gotten good at distracting myself ig today's coping mechanism might become tomorrow's career. but honestly how long I am going to do this, tricking myself and others into thinking that I am fine is there a point in taking more of this idk.before you ask me to talk to someone i do not have anyone i can talk to that is kind of why I am talking to you. where I am from only weak people are depressed and talking about mental health is a big no no.P.S. English is not my first language so pardon me if it is not all that great. p",Suicidal +21352,Today i was at home Alone and cut my self i really need help but do not have the energy to ask for help i do not have a girlfriend and i am ugly i have friends ho say they are here for me during depression there not calling me or talking to me so life is not worth living right now Should i give up,Depression +21353,"4 months ago I withdrew from medical school before they could force me out for academic failure. I am on meds have a therapist, etc but its just not getting any better. I cannot go a single day without being reminded of my failure. I thought I would be doing better by now but I just feel sad Its just not getting better",Depression +21354,"it is July of 2021, the days go by. They keep going, nothing changes. The occasional tests are cheated on and flunked. Oral assessments are a disaster, not helped much by last-day preparations. Term 1 boards exams come near, whatever can be pieced together is cooked in a hurry. Under severe shock, new plans for minimizing further damage are made up. The clock keeps ticking. One day at a time, most of the work is procrastinated upon. Expectations are subsequently lowered with every passing day. More plans to control the situation emerge, but none stands to win against the unbeatable duo of broken mental health and a fucked-up life.The entrance exam doomsday comes near. A last attempt to avert total destruction comes into action to save whatever little that can be saved. Under immense pressure, the kind of routine that should have always been finally comes to existance. The desperate broken kid, weaker than ever, tries the best to stand his ground.The clock ticks exponentially louder, before becoming irrelevant. The worst that could be foreseen had happened. All psychological stability now hangs on thin thread. Even that thread is stretched further by unforgiving waves of questions, criticism, and jokes.What comes after is a 4-year-long night where all hopes are eventually buried, all signs of optimism are lost. Life grows more weary than ever, and I am reminded of the cost everyday.That is, until one day it all comes crashing down, or so do I suppose. I let go of the past, reinvent myself and move on, or so do my wishful daydreams look like. The darkness and silence grows itself stronger in my mind, as I walk down the path of life all alone, unwanted for who I am, unloved for the tears I have always she would. Last",Depression +21355,"I have come to the conclusion I cannot get myself to take an interest in anything. I try to force myself into hobbies for something to do and busy my mind but I cannot focus because nothing is enjoyable. I cannot even meet peers with like interests because I have no interests. I could sit still staring at an empty wall for hours, I have anxiety over everything in my life. I get told to shut up by multiple people daily because when I am nervous I make puns about everything . I wish I had an off switch so I could turn everything off and not have think or do anything. I feel empty and broken and have no meaning in my life other than supplying for other peoples needs. I do not even know who I am because I spend so much time worrying about others needs I do not even allow myself to think of anything I may want or need because Ill never be able to do those things anyway nor would I like said metaphorical things anyway. I want to just cease to exist. Who am I?",Depression +21356,"I thought about death todayThoughts like these rarely go awayMy mind is dark, chaotic and morose do not mind me, I do not mean to boastI know I need help, I do not know where to start Juggling this many thoughts and emotions should be an artI live day to day, each day harder than the lastI have no expectations, to how long I will lastMy will is weak, I am tired of fightingI never win, let me get struck by lightingCan't dissapoint, keep paying those billsAll your hard work will pay off in your willsI have no one to love, no one to holdI do not want to be alone and oldI want peace, serenity and answersI sometimes wish I had some form of cancerFuck my life, fuck my feelingsI need help to figure out how to start healing9/19/2019 Another poem I wrote",Suicidal +21357,do not tell others it does getter better. but not for everyone! Remember that. VENT,Depression +21358,"I am in a pretty bad depressive episode currently and the worst symptom of it is the fatigue. All I want to do is sleep. Socializing seems like the most unappealing thing in the world and I am annoyed to talk to anyone l. does not matter what I eat or what I do, still tired. I drank a monster and passed out yesterday. Just walking my dog around the block is enough to make me have to lay down for hours after, and I want to stop the whole time while doing it. I am a relatively fit person in my 20s, really should not feel this way. I got to go to work later which will be awful. I feel like I am marching through a swamp. I just want to rest until I feel better. To anyone else currently experiencing this I feel you Currently experiencing chronic fatigue during a depressive episode",Depression +21359,"My long term partner and love of my life broke up with me today. I have struggled with anxiety, depression and alcohol addiction for a while now and this has just sent me over the edge. he is the most amazing person I have ever met and been an absolute rock to me, but all I did was hurt him. Now I am alone in a hotel room with my thoughts and I want to hurt myself for hurting him. I see no future for myself anymore and have no purpose to try and get better. All I want is to reach out to him and tell him how I feel and tell him that I want to hurt myself and not live anymore because I cannot live with what I have done. I do not want to him to feel bad or for him to take me back for the wrong reasons so I cannot tell him how low I am. I know that he is better off without me so maybe it is right that this is the end. I hope he knows how special he is and how much I love him. Suicide in a hotel room",Suicidal +21360,I feel like my mouth is watering every time I pass train tracks. Drooling,Suicidal +21361,"I have mental health problems, I am depressed sometimes I think I hear voices but I do not know, I would be happy there are voices because it would be some kind of conversation, i do t have Friends because humans are all just the same, I have psychological problems,",Suicidal +21362,"I do not know what to do anymore. I did not get out if bed for two days and I finally got the courage to go out today. It went relatively well and I was remotely happy; I forgot what it feels lonely for bit. But the moment I got back to bed, everything came crashing down on me. My inadequacies, my faults, how unbelievably worthless I am, I just felt overwhelmingly tired. I keep messing up and saying the wrong things. I begged and begged for the universe to take me. I scratched and hit myself and thought about finally doing it. I made a video telling my parents how much I love them and how its not their fault, that I am just really really really tired and I want to rest now. I am scared because I am genuinely feeling how death could be so welcoming. I am scared and I am tired and I am lonely.",Suicidal +21363,sometimes you follow your heart but it leads you in the wrong direction -,Depression +21364,"Please help me end this. I just cannot live like this anymore. I have nothing in my control. Absolutely nothing. My heart literally aches with how much emotional pain I am in. And nobody understands what I am going through. So please tell me how do I do it as quickly and painlessly as possible. I do not want any sympathy or words of reassurance, I just do not want to suffer when I go. Is it too much to ask? ps: I do not have any access to g*ns where I live, so any other affordable method will be appreciated.Sorry for any mistakes I just cannot take this pain anymore. I just cannot.",Suicidal +21365,I just feel like hanging myself. Some psychopath has my goddamn music. My record label/manager took advantage of me and got the rights to my music without me even knowing. we have had a falling out and they refuse to take it off streaming platforms. All I ever cared about was my music and now its not even mine,Suicidal +21366,At a pub for the euros final but my dumb cunt gender dysphoric brain is just like nah you cannot enjoy it. Fuck life man cannot take this shit anymore. Let me enjoy shit,Depression +21367,"I have not really been depressed for very long (maybe 5 months or so), but the happy me feels like a different person or even a vague dream. My mum came into my room today and asked where I went (as in where the happy me went) and I just could not answer. The state of non happiness has quickly become my norm, so at this point I do not mind it; its just me at this point, although I am occasionally happy when I play games with friends as it distracts me from it. But my parents care for me a lot and try to help me, but I do not think I can be helped at this point. I am content with the state I am in as it is just the norm. it is hard to explain, sorry for the poor writing. I do not remember what its like to be happy",Depression +21368,"that is how I feel inside. I want to let go of all my chains, I feel contained and trapped.I just want to break free. I just want to shout really loudly...",Depression +21369,"i do not think anybody would notice if i left their lives. i do not bring anything significant to any of my relationships. the people i love could take or leave me and i cannot stand it. i know its selfish but i want people to crave me, i want to impact people with my presence. I have completely lost any sense of identity i had, I am totally reliant on other people for purpose. and they are not giving me what i so desperately need so i cannot take it anymore. i just want to die i am completely replaceable",Suicidal +21370,"Two days ago, I attempted suicide. I overdosed on painkillers and got sent into hospital. Blood tests were normal, so they discharged me.But since I have been home, my entire body feels.. off. I am physically exhausted; sleeping all day. I do not eat much at all, not anymore.. even drinking anything has proven to be difficult for me. I feel dizzy all the time, and experience weird fluttering in my chest every so often throughout the day. I feel so weak.Is this a sign that the painkillers are working, and that I will die soon? Am I slowly dying?",Suicidal +21371,"I would assume not, considering I could just fall asleep and die in my sleep, am I wrong? Are pills a painful way to die?",Suicidal +21372,"I have never ever been in the state that I am in now. The little things in life that used to help me get by no longer provide that same comfort for me. I feel like I have no job prospects in the world. I did not go to four year school due to monetary issues with my family. I feel so stuck working dead end jobs to the point where I quit out of anger and sadness. I feel I have nothing to show for the 26 years I have been on this planet. I am not suicidal but I legitimately do not know what there is for me here. I feel like Ill never ever find happiness and all I will ever be is a burden to those who love me. I do not want to spend my life having my soul sucked out of me by a job I spend the majority of my waking hours at- living only for the little things. I fear I cannot take on the debt of going back to school now but I cannot imagine how I am going to be able to survive if I do not. I cannot picture good things for me in ten years.. I do not understand how people just put their heads down and work because it really feels like its all for nothing sometimes. It feels like even I had done all of the right things I still would not be able to do the things i know I want to do in my heart. I am just tired. I am finally getting beal help, after putting it off for reasons legitimate and not for years. I hope improving myself will actually truly bring me some peace. This is jumbled, poorly written and all over the place. I just needed to share this with people who are not family and friends. Sometimes it feels like there is not anywhere for me here",Depression +21373,"I never feel confident in myself because I take a beating as a kid after trying to defend my brother, cried so hard that they start making fun of me, this scars me so much that I wish I could redo it, life has been always ugly for me, when I was 19 I tried to achieve something really impossible that I ended up doing half of it and stoppedmotivation is gone, ended up being depressed everyday and I forgot about why I go that far for someone I once loved No goal in life",Depression +21374,"I cannot handle this shit anymore, just getting worse and worse every single day, everyone is left me. I have nothing to live for, no one to live for. I am a worthless piece of shit whose just full of self-pity and it is honestly fucking pathetic. I do not care what happens to me anymore. I just cannot handle this any longer. Please someone just kill me. I cannot stand another day suffering in my head Please please just fucking kill me",Suicidal +21375,"Just went to therapy for the first time after months of depression. I told the therapist everything and I cried so much (having never cried in front of someone before). And I feel so fucking good, I did not start medication yet but damn my head is so clear. So please tell someone, if you do not have anyone then go to a therapist. do not hold back. Writing things down is not the same. My head is throbbing from relief. I know this is obvious basic information but if you have not done so yet please tell someone. Tell someone.",Depression +21376,"My parents are divorced and still in court over it. I left my mother to live with my dad because she lost control and dragged everyone around her down. Yesterday I had to meet her and she basically told me I had to lie to the judge about my father for her to get my lil sister back whom CPS took from her 6 months ago. She told me I owed her that after ""betraying"" her. Screamed at me in public and made a scene.Came home absolutely wasted just to get screamed on by my dad and told to ""get out of his eyes"".In the evening I went out with friends and drank like I never did before. Afterwards I smoked a blunt and could not stand up any more. The drug dealer had to call my friends from the bar to pick me up while I was throwing up. They kept me awake and called my dad.Only thing I remember is saying to my friend ""this is a nice way to die"".Father picked me up and shouted at my friends for helping me. One of them said that I might threw up in the car to which he just responded with ""I am going to kick her ass if she does that"" before speeding away.Today I woke up. He has not spoken a word with me. Just looked at me with pure disgust. The worst thing is that I cannot even blame him for hating me.God I wish I had died there yesterday Reached my absolute low last night",Suicidal +21377,"I have tried so hard not to blame anyone else, but doing that eats away at you. And I ran out of myself to give a long time ago.I hate them. I hate everyone. Most of all, I hate myself for feeling this way, but soon, even that will be swallowed by the hate. Self-righteous fools who have their heads shoved too far up their own asses to see anything.there is nothing left. I want to hurt them",Suicidal +21378,"A few days ago I was fully at peace with my decision to commit suicide and I had a full plan, a set date (or general time) a little after summer, I even started drafting my note long story short I am a very planned-out person. (I was waiting for after summer because I did not want to ruin everyone is summer lol. Suppose it does not matter because Id be hurting them anyways, but, so be it.)Anyways, fast forward to the weekend and I am suddenly going over things in my head: am I being dramatic? What will I be missing if I do this? I almost forgot why I was suicidal/it seemed very nearly trivial. But the thing is its not trivial. Its a culmination of sufferances which I am not going to go over here, but I am sure you understand. And now I am just pissed. there is so much of the world that Ill be leaving, and so much damage I may because, but even so I cannot live like this and I do not want to. I can dream about a good life, but I know realistically I will never move past my issueand that is not me saying that because every depressed person says it, it genuinely is a very unique set of internal problems that I cannot work around. Moreover I just do not want to be a part of the world anymore. I feel like I do not deserve to be. When I first felt suicidal, I was so excited and I had this euphoric peaceful feeling wash over meId finally be dead and nothing could get to me. I felt like Duncan from Macbeth. But these stupid caveman survival instincts are really deathblocking me, so to speak. Ugh. Part of me wishes I could overcome my second thoughts and just get it over with, another part tells me they are there for a reason. Anyone else have this? My second thoughts keep making this really difficult and frustrating. I am at a loss.",Suicidal +21379,"All this time, all I was doing is clinging onto some fake hope, hoping that my ex will come back to me when I know for a damn fact that she are not, but some how I still hope. I cannot help my damn self anymore. it is just chaotic and a mess inside me. I need to move on but I still hope, for what?! I just need to replace her but why is it so hard? I just want someone to be here and love me, accept me for all of my mistakes and mess. Why is it so hard for people to understand that this is not what I wanted to be. That this is not my decision. Is it just me or that people out there are refusing to understand what it is like to be other people. Please someone save me. I am beyond fixable",Depression +21380,"I do not have many people I can consider friends. And people do not tend to talk to me much and this kind of has been going on since I was 4. And now I do not think I can talk to people. I just feel sad whenever someone is just... talking to or about their friends. Especially when whenever I try to make conversation, it immediately ends whenever anyone else comes in the room and I am just forgotten about. Or sometimes talked about in front of me. And no matter what job I get I can somehow never gain any money from it except for doing the one thing I am unable to do (I do commissions but the laptop I work on is broken)It does not sound too extreme compared to others here. I am just wanted to vent ig Just really feeling like death",Suicidal +21381,"My boyfriend of 4 years and my soul Mate died in an accident (falling through a roof) almost a year ago, its been a hard year and an eveb harder month, I am a 22 year old female and we both did not have any parents and met in a hostel for homeless youths.With him i got into university and so did he, i became a piercer and was very happy. Since I have had to drop out and lost my job, was homeless for a little while and I feel like he would be so dissapointed in me.it is just been very hard and I would apreciate any support Just asking for support",Suicidal +21382,"I have a few more things to do but then there is just not much left...I do not want a family, so I cannot spend 30 years doing that.I do not want a 'career' just to spend my time making money that I do not do anything with.I want a happy, fulfilled life, but I know I have everything I need to be happy, I am just not. I can do whatever I want but all I want is to not be here.I guess I will finish up what I want to do, then just take an early exit... I have nothing left",Suicidal +21383,Its not a long time before suicide gets to me Suicide,Depression +21384,I can tell I am getting a wave of depression or whatever its called.. i do not want it :/ idk how to stop it from happening again Its coming back,Depression +21385,"A year ago I had basically decided I was going to end it all unless I was offered to stay at my work and if the extremely few options after that did not pan out. I did get the offer though, but now the serious thought about doing it is back again, and this time there is nothing beyond the horizon. I am miserable. I do not enjoy life and I do not think I have ever seriously enjoyed it. I cannot see anything happening that would change my mind. I have thought about this for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories have been about being depressed and anxious, being unhappy, being uncomfortable, being generally confused and not knowing what I actually want out of life. Just living in a constant state of apathy.Nothing is enjoyable anymore. Whatever few things I had have vanished into thin air. Society does not care. People do not care. I am all alone. I cannot handle demands and expectations. I cannot take control of my own life. I do not have a direction. I do not have any goals, I never did. The closest thing is probably where I am right now, and feeling the way I feel it does not really cut it. I have absolutley zero skills, I am shockingly unintelligent, I have no passions or real actual interests. I am only consuming and have never produced anything in my entire life.If I am nothing, if I do not want anything, if I cannot do anything - then literally becoming nothing should be the most reasonable outcome of all this and sparing the world of my useless and parasitical ways.I have stuck on what I think (and hope) is the most peaceful method with the resources I can attain. So the question is when it is going to happen. I am strongly considering awaiting my inevitable firing - that is probably the most common circumstance is not it? Livelihood, making a living - the thing I cannot handle. We live in a giant market and if you cannot fit into the market you do not have any worth whatsoever.So I am freeing up valuable resources that I am hoarding. Because I am going to die anyway and if I do not enjoy my time living, I might as well speed up the process.I had some idea about getting some travelling done before I bite the bullet, but I have a hard time imagining what would even give me the slightest sense of excitement by doing that. So I might as well save that money that will be going to a more productive and useful member of society. I have decided that it is going to happen and how I am going to do it. The question now is when it is going to happen.",Suicidal +21386,"I had a plan. I had a day. I had written my letters. But then my cat fell asleep on my chest and I did not have the heart to move him and I fell asleep too.That was back in December. I started reaching out to friends and was feeling like maybe I would be ok. And then in January my best friend started dating a close friend of ours. Which would have been ok, but my best friend had been pushing me away for the past few months, and this was the straw that broke the camels back. I panicked about no longer having support and it pushed him further away. I was so fucking sad. And I must have leaned on him too hard for support. He was going through his own stuff, but had always promised I was ok to talk to him about stuff. Until it was not, but at that point it was too late. I would already ruined everything. He said I was not considering his feelings. Which fucking hurts because this entire time I was so scared of being a burden that all I cared about were his feelings. I put myself last more times than I can count to make sure he was happy, and in the end I am the one that was inconsiderate. And his girlfriend put more effort into our relationship which was nice. But now she is ignoring my attempts to reach out too. And they both spend so much time together and I am lucky to get a couple hours.I feel like I have come so far to kick depressions ass but this is the one thing holding me back. it is like I am at the top of the mountain but the top is a plateau and the only way to get there is scaling a cliff. And I am so tired of climbing. And I do not know what needs to happen to get to the top. I do not want to lose my best friend, or his girlfriend. I love them both dearly and I am so hurt by their actions. I know they are in love and love happens but it is so shitty that our friendship went to shit as a result. And if I cut them off I am so scared of spiraling. that is my best friend. I just wish they would try. Or at least my best friend. Just so I did not feel like our entire friendship was just a convenience while he was single. Because now? I am just replaceable. And holy shit if there was something that has ever made me feel like a burden it is this. Depression fucking turns me into a replaceable friend. Because why would anyone spend time with me when literally anyone else is available. Anyway. Thanks for reading if you even got this far. I just need a place to vent. Therapy can only go so far, ya know. This lonliness? it will be the thing that kills me. I wish I would followed through in December",Depression +21387,"TW: SUICIDE ATTEMPTI am 24F my father is 45MI am so beyond pissed, shocked, disappointed, heartbroken, intensely sad. I am sorry if I cannot find the right words right now. This all just happened, and I have no one to talk to about this safe for my Therapist soon. I spoke to Crisis Text Line, and I am at least not shaking anymore. They gave me resources for my brother, how I can help him.My brother tried to hang himself today. My mom walked out of his room crying, I heard him crying. My mom told me that my brother tried to hang himself. I was in shock, I STILL am in shock. I never wanted my younger brother to feel this way. Ever. As soon as my mom told me this my Dad (who lives states away) started blowing up my phone. I was shaking, trying to speak to someone with crisis text line to get my own bearings. My mother explicitly told me not to answer, because we both knew he would only put more strain on my brother. We could not answer my Dad because we were trying to a.) process (literally JUST happened) and b.) help my brother get to the hospital without having to worry about our dad freaking out. Meanwhile my dad is calling, calling. Calling me cruel, saying that it is wrong to keep him in the dark. Finally I snapped and texted him:""I do not know why you cannot be understanding or considerate of other people's states and emotions. We are trying to figure out what is wrong and mom will tell you. We are not being cruel to you, we are focused on (My brother) right now. Please understand that. It is okay, when we know what is up we will tell you. I promise.""One of His responses (out of the sea of calls and messages) was:""Because you cannot leave a parent in the dark. I did not even know if he was still alive. You cannot do that.""I told him ""(My brother) tried to kill himself. He is not physically hurt, he is okay. We did not want to tell you because we did not want you to freak out while we were trying to focus on HIM and get HIM to the help he needed as soon as possible. He is not physically hurt, but we need to focus on him right now. I am pretty pissed and disappointed right now to be honest that my own grown father cannot possibly understand there are things he cannot know right as soon as they happen.""To which he responded ""I should have known first"" I REALLY snapped then and said:""Why would you have to be the first person to know? What benefit would that have had for (My brother)? Or just yourself? Yes, let us pause everything (My brother) is going through, pause taking him to the hospital, pause being there for HIM. To cater to you. I am so pissed off right now I should not even be talking to you. This is about (My brother) and you made it about you."" To which he responded ""I think you are out of your mind"" Tell me. Am I out of my mind? Am I in the wrong, genuinely? Because if I am I want to know. I wanted to get help for my brother, my brother and his safety--what was immediately in front of us we had to take care of and my dad is really begrudging US for not telling him until 30 minutes when we could, what happened. I am sorry if the formatting is wrong or whatever but I needed this out. My 19 Year Old Brother Tried to Kill Himself and my Dad made it about himself.",Depression +21388,Ill never be but I keep dreaming. Those lucky people who fit the beauty standards . People always treat them better . Its just not fair I really just want to be pretty,Suicidal +21389,"I am genuinely heartbroken. I loved him and thought wed spend our lives together, apparently he was really unhappy in our relationship and now I feel awful. I lost the thing that kept me going, I loved him so fucking much and was always happy around him. I did not realise I made him sad, apparently all I ever am is negative and I am boring to be around because I have difficulty understanding things. I hate this and want to end my life, I get really attached to people and then they leave me. What am I doing wrong? I am scared its because I was molested a lot as a child and have become apprehensive of physical and sexual contact. I hate it , he was the only thing I had and I have lost it Got broken up with out of nowhere",Suicidal +21390,"I(24) booked an appointment because I wanted to know if I have ADHD, but in that appointment just doc heard me and low-key laughed on self diagnosis, I cannot shake that feeling. She did not tell me if it is ADHD or no, she just said my thoughts seems scattered and I might have depression.And for diagnosis I have to book another appointmentFrom that I am re thinking about stuff, mostly my days goes this way -- wake up at random hour with a terrible feeling, it started this month, most likely it is a build of stress and fear of not having a career, and most importantly losing my ex/first love, there is a chance I have r-ocd (intrusive thoughts related to relationship, person, and so on)- depending on the but mostly the horrible last around 2 hours till I get normal- some days I try to do few things before my energy and will power is done, sometimes not even that and just be sadI do not prioritize, as I am overwhelmed with work I need to do, especially unwanted work. I probably never did it well which can be symptom of ADHD or executive dysfunctionI never ate well so I am underweight like hell, like bare minimum, 90ibs/40kg 5'4 which is like 15 BMI, so no wonder I am not high on energy, and I do not have energy for anything but eating is hard and I do not move much or exercise so it is like a bad circle which can make anyone life unorganized and bad In last three years, from feeling full of love even tho it might just be dopamine, getting from new activities and hope, I went to feeling only anger, empty, blocked/locked heart, sadness, that is all, for a while I did not cry too while I used to cry a lot Yesterday when I went outside which I do not do often, I felt at coming home how I feel this feeling in my back, probably unsafe or uncomfortable feeling? I feel that all the time at home, but not when I was outside, there is no way I will be moving away from home, but I do not even have my own room, probably that is why it happens, and I just do not feel safe for not having a career yet For few days when I felt motivated, I could do barely few task, but it makes sense as the only time I actually finish a project, it is when that it is for a complete stranger online, because I do not like them waiting and I feel I just have to finishI did not started studying yet, exam is in less than a month if they do not get delayed, I cannot concentrate or understand much when I read I am not sure about emotions, like recently when I thought am I missing my friend or I am just lonely, before I was not like this, I knew if I love someone or something, but emotions just do not come to me like that anymore- I cannot concentrate 5 sentences, but that work is unwanted, boring and I did not study in a while so makes sense I cannot right? I get angry and aggressive (internally) fast enough I thinkAlso it was not like this before but when I do things, I take few seconds break where my mind is just full on blank and waiting for an instruction to come from my brain, it was not this long or anything before but not sure if it happened while I tried to slow down my thoughts for surviving pure ocdI like the comfort not moving gives, you just pick a distraction and not move, and the sadness or anything, you at least feel comfortable From these things it feels my lifestyle is making me sick, well I be as tired if I could eat and exerciseWill I feel those anxious or idk they can be panic attack especially morning one, if I was not feeling that I might lose my only and most important friend and career issueWill I not feel this if I felt safe at home and about my futureI wanted to be sure if I have ADHD, as I used to be able to finish my studies at last minute but I cannot anymore, ps ADHD and emotional anger suddenly, hyperfocus on games or other stuffMy previous bad habits turned extremeSo I am not sure if I do not have ADHD, then I cannot get medication which helps ton of people getting stuff done, as I am not seeking happiness from the diagnose, I just want to be able to finish my stuff urgently, I really want to work on my life for next 6 months, so yeah Should I try for idk millionth time and delay diagnose appointment or do if anyway Should I get a diagnose or wait for it?",Depression +21391,"I do not want to ever be found, maybe people will think I just got lost, maybe what happened will remain a mystery through-out other's perspectives.I really want peace, I want my body left where I put it. I want it to decompose into the earth, feed the bugs and the plants and the trees. I do not want to be found and put into a box. I do not want to be found and determined a suicide because it will because more pain for anyone who wanted me to stay I want to die but I do not want my body to be found",Suicidal +21392,"24MI do not know what to do. Nothing makes me happy any more, in the last year I have alienated all of my friends from the past 8-20 years with the exception of one who I saw today and even then I felt like the spark was not there any more. All the others (15+ people) all decided to excommunicate me simultaneously and I still do not fully understand why. Its been the most traumatic time having all the people I have held closest to my heart all turn their backs on me at once and its left me with feelings of hatred towards myself and feelings of total emptiness and unbearable lonelinessI feel unlovable and unlikeable, when I look in the mirror I hate what I see, looks aside, I loathe the person I have become over the past years, I find it hard to make friends now because if I were anyone else, I know I would not want to be my friend. I am awkward, shy, ugly and have nothing to offer in any situation. I feel like every interaction is forced and that even when I try my hardest its still painfully obvious that I am an insecure wretch. I am unemployed, uneducated and no longer have anyone to talk to besides my councillor once a week. Not sure if that is really doing much for me either. I no longer enjoy anything that used to interest me, I have even given up on music at this point. All I want is some companionship but feel like Ill never be able to attain it because I have become so fucking numbed out and boring that no one ever wants to befriend me. I do not know what I want to do with my life and feel like I have no real guidance so I am destined to work soul destroying jobs that I hate that make me miserable.I just feel so alone and that I am unable to do anything about it because my feelings of not being good enough because me to constantly push other people away for fear they might see me the same way I see myself. I do not even want to try any more, every time I have something good I still manage to fuck it up beyond repair and end up back at square one. Life just does not feel like its worth all of this pain and loneliness. I do not understand how it can ever get better Feeling like I am at the end of my rope",Depression +21393,"Do you remember when you were last happy? Today I realised it had been so long since I had felt safe and comfortable. Since life did not feel like a constant struggle. It brought me to tears to think how I was once a careless highschool student oblivious to the mental termoil that lay ahead. I miss those day. I was alive then. I lived for the sprit of exploration, to shared anlther day of schoolyard banter.Now it is a constant feeling of being overwhelmend. Of unemployment. Of feeling like I must scrape to survive. I have lost the joy of existance.I honestly wish I had died as a child and never had to grow up to live as an faliure and an outcast within society. I wish I did not hate myself. I wish that to reach and end to it all did not seem so compelling. Happiness",Suicidal +21394,"I feel like I have never belonged anywhere, people just accept me on the surface but it is always out of obligation, but in reality I can tell that people find me weird all the time and they judge me, and I have been told that I am abnormal.I know I am not the brightest person and I am pretty damn stupid to survive in this competitive world and I am also fucking depressed and dumb. Be taken advantage of by 2 people over 3 yars for sex just because I was really depressed, suicidal and my family life was a mess. And I am fucking ashamed, and I can never forgive myself and I do not think I deserve it.I have been sexually abused as a kid by my brother, my parents knew but did nothing about it. I was the mediator and my parents' listening ear when they argued and threw stuff around the house and threatened to kill us all. When I opened up about my bottled up anger 6 years ago, I was simply told to move on and keep quiet because if I voice up, it will affect my brother's future. I have since let go of all the anger towards the entire family because I love them deeply.I have no friends, or I am always just the one people feel sorry about and shit.I worked my ass off, I got a good job despite the crippling depression and suicide attempts and shit grades, and I saved up a lot of money and now I am really self-sufficient and am not relying on anyone financially. I exercise everyday. But I am still deemed stupid and weird and not enough. I am still suicidal, depressed, finding myself wanting to OD on a whim, still the odd one out, still dissociate too much too often without realising, still disadvantaged in this game of life.But I still feel so worthless and I am fucking tired and just so done and really I want to fucking kill myself. I do not want to break my parents' heart but I am so done and I am so sorry. I wish I was not born and life is so tiring and I am done fighting and I have zero energy to fight any longer. I have been What do I get for fighting so hard? Just to find myself constantly being disadvantaged and burned out and depressed and suicidal? Life sucks and I do not want to appear whiny but I am done, I am going to attempt again soon. I will start with self harm. cannot wait to slice my arm vertically in a bit. Or at least try because I am a fucking lover. Fuck this shit.",Suicidal +21395,"I have got nothing left. no family, no relationship, no friends. just a dead end and a blade. I will be with you soon. sitting at my family plot. ill be lying with them soon.",Suicidal +21396,"will i ever be noticed? is my life worth anything? i spend all day doing nothing, full of sorrow and pain, while wishing pain on others. i waste my time, day, after day, after day, slowly killing myself mentally. the isolation is killing me. i have no one to talk to about it, it feels like I am going to hurt myself or someone else, but I am too afraid to act on it solely because i do not want to go back to the mental hospital. who am i? why am i here? what is my point anymore? i do not want to waste away like this, i work so hard to get better, my days always start off promising but go to shit quickly. it feels like life itself is playing me like a fiddle, why though? what did i do to deserve this pain? I have been like this since i was a mere toddler, so why me? did i commit a major sin in my past life? was there a past life? i do not know anymore. i wanted to grow up to help people, to be a leader, to change peoples lives for the better, but now i will not be anything. at most, ill be homeless, at worst ill be dead, but is it really that bad? is it bad to lose my life anymore? nobody would miss me. i destroyed all of my relationships. i only have my mother, i love my mother, she is been through so much, she is so strong and I am so proud of her, but i do not think i want to continue to live like this. i just want to escape, i cannot embrace this life anymore, for it has brought me to my knees. if anyone ever sees this, i it will probably be after my death. so be it. nobody would miss me. i do not care anymore. i will not even miss myself. I am just too afraid to go through with it, i do not have a gun, i do not have anything of that sort, so what do i do? i do not feel like a human. i feel subhuman, i feel like nothing, why was i born this way, WHY? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? I DID NOTHING. I JUST WANTED A NICE AND SAFE JOURNEY, BUT OF COURSE I HAD TO GO INSANE FROM ISOLATION. this is not even mentioning all of the voices and stuff i see, its probably due to loneliness, i hear people calling my name, a comforting girls voice, a girl i do not even know, a girl i will never know. right before i sleep i am haunted with the noises of people saying my name, as if I am at my deathbed. i know it is unrealistic, though. because no one would miss me in reality. I am a nobody, i do nothing to help other people, I have been a mental cripple my entire life. its only become apparent recently, when all of my friendships came falling down solely because i am a horrible friend, and horrible, narcissistic, degenerate of a person in general. this is not even the worst I have felt, last night was when i cried harder than I have ever cried, i had to cover my mouth to prevent screaming, i do not want my mom to worry about me. my mom deserves everything for how hard she works for me, even after my dad died. i know my dad would be sad if i go through with killing myself, but hes not here anymore, hes in a better place. i know that my life is going to get worse from here, my teenage years have just started, and it feels like i am really losing my mind. do i deserve this? is this because of all my past mistakes? i do not know, and i will not ever know. what hurts most is that everyone i know would tell me how much i change, that i was not the same funny, happy, helpful me. that is what my friend told me right before we stopped talking. I am such a selfish fucking bitch. i always talk about other people not being empathetic, but i myself am not empathetic, and only paint myself to be so other people feel bad, am i really just this bad of a person? is all I am looking for a reaction from everyone so that i can finally know they care, or make them care? i do not know. i do not know answers to any of this. i feel like I am going insane with all these thoughts flowing around my head, there is nothing that calms them anymore, i am just filled with negative emotions, and i have no way to control them. i know i will never be off meds. last time i was, i was crying harder than i have ever cried, and i had the worst homicidal thoughts. at this point, its a struggle to keep myself from hurting myself and others. i bet it would be a lot better for everyone if i was gone, nobody would be hurt. thank you if you read this whole thing. it feels like I am the only one alive, like I am in a city at night, snow all over, with the streets being empty, not a sign of life. i feel like this is a key part of my narcissistic thinking, i believe that i am special in some way, i am not, but i think that to make myself feel better about being a nobody. I am done showing everyone empathy when they show not a single bit of concern back. am i really selfish for doing that, when they do not do anything to make me feel better? nobody even comforts me anymore. i do not I am just sitting at my chair, writing all day about my thoughts. not sure why, its just addicting, it makes me see the point I am at, my thinking, my supposed insanity. when will it get better? will it really ever get better? i do not feel angry anymore. I am just full of sorrow and pain. the mere hope that someone is sees what I am going through and helps out is the only thing keeping me going, but i know at one point it will be gone. gone like my past self, gone like my friends, gone like my dad, gone like everything i ever loved, gone like all of my hopes and dreams. what if i show this to my doctor? would that help? or would he throw me in a mental hospital? I am already suspicous of the meds, I am suspcious of everyone who works as a mental health professional, they just work to make money off of peoples suffering, that is what my brain tells me. i know its the truth because i have seen human greed for money and power. the current society is destroying the regular human, while benefitting the small minority at the top. have i really made any progress in the last what, year and a half? i do not feel like i have. it feels like everythings getting worse. everything has gotten worse. if my mother would to die, that would be the final straw, at that point i really have no one. my mother was right, other people do not give a single FUCK about my problems. because they are all selfish and horrible people. everyone i know is, i have not met a single person who is not. is it just me? or what? i find it funny how my important would go up if i committed suicide. if i killed myself right now, everyone would come rushing, not because they care, but because they think they have the blood on their hands. they do not. its all on me, I am the one who decided to take my life to begin with. i was not born on my own, but i have the right to take my life, because i will be preventing other people from harm. i am a danger to myself and everyone around me at this point. i feel like I am at the point in my life where there is nothing left to do, but die. like i have the choice between sitting here, having pain, rotting away slowly, or killing myself and getting over with it. i feel like i relate to my dad a bit, when he was on the ventilator, it was causing him pain, that is why he had to be taken off. just like how i cannot stand the pain anymore, the pain is going to continue till i take my life. I am tired of seeing everyone else succeed, while I am sitting here crying about all my problems like the little bitch i am. I am jealous, just another sign that i am indeed a horrible person. i have never been proud of myself, nobody has ever been proud of me. i am a waste of oxygen, people promise that they care, but they are two faced liars. I KNOW IT. nobody would care about me simply because i do not benefit them in anyway. if i did benefit them, they would care. does that just show my hipocrisy? that i am really just a selfish person too? this has myself at a loss of words, because i was proven right by myself, i am simply a horrible person. i am the type of person i hate. so why continue? what is my point then? just to sit and continue to feel sadness and anger? i keep remembering when i first started to hurt, when i first was diagnosed with mental illness, it was not a shocker, it was not as bad as it is now. i feel paranoid, what if the meds only make me feel worse? what if they just want me to get worse so i pay them money until i die? fuckers. i was proven right, but this time about other people. when did it all go wrong, i do not understand, i say it started when i was young because i would harm myself, hallucinate, and have other symptoms, but am i right? idk. i just want to be like everyone else my age. i do not want to be who i am right now, feeling like a 25 year old man trapped inside of his apartment all day having no one to talk to and barely making by. the loneliness of this all, the fear of missing out, the want to be loved, to be held, to be cared for, its killing me inside, along with everything else. i will never experience love, i will never experience true care, i am too far gone at this point, there is no fucking point anymore. i do not want to live anyways, i will not experience the best things life has to offer. when i get my hands on a gun, the first thing I am going to do is go out for a walk, just enjoy the weather, then end it. so it can end on a calming note. nobody will miss me at all, not my mom, she will probably be dead due to preexisting conditions, i will not have anyone. why the fuck am i looked down upon by everyone for being mentally ill? it makes no sense to me. i feel like they are afraid of me, not that they think they are better, is this me anymore or this is something else? someone told me this is not me, this is my mental illness, what if i am my mental illness? i do not know to be honest. i think I am the real problem here, i think I am better than others, i think I am smarter, better, everything. I am just so unsure of everything now, my future, my life, my relationships. I am slowly discovering that I am just a really toxic person, why else would people start leaving me? its because i am objectively horrible. i do not care about anyone. i just want myself to be happy at the expense of others, its ironic, because i wanted to help others, and wanted mutual trust, but nope. i am really just this. i do not feel insane right now, just sort of filled with thoughts, feelings, i do not feel emotions or any form of empathy anymore, am i long gone? what happened to me? why does everyone say that the past me is gone, why? i do not know what changed. i do not feel the same, no, but i do not know what changed either. i want to be the old me again, I have been like this forever but it was not as severe before, what made it severe? will i ever know? i think everyone i know thinks this is an act, even when i tell them what is wrong, they seem to ignore it, they hope for the best, but the worst keeps coming, over and over, every day. my life is at the same point it was at when i was almost admitted to the mental hospital, which would have been the second time, but i was able to hide it well enough to where they did not think i was completely crazy. i do not know how long i can keep hiding it, i do not think i hide it anymore anyways, i just think people stopped caring about it, because it was not their problem. I am tired of not being noticed, not being able to experience what others are experiencing, i want to be like them, i want to be happy, i do not want to be what i am right now, right now i am a complete and utter mess, and i have nothing and no way to fix it. i do not know how long before i snap completely, i already feel like i have. i do not know when i might do something irrational to someone else or myself, the unpredictability of mental illness is what makes it so fucking bad. i just want to be happy. I am looking through all of my notes and seeing all my plans, all my schedules, everything i planned for the future, plans that i will never be able to fulfill. if i were given the independence i seek so badly, i would have ended myself, is that a good thing? i do not know. i think it would be good for the world if i was gone, i just feel like a burden to everyone at this point. i wrote a longer rant and bridged them all together, plus some more thoughts, should i talk to my doctor about this? i feel like he does not know what is wrong.",Depression +21397,"The person who supposedly is there for me is not. My family only cares for me when it comes to ask for a service or a favour, and they do not really care for me, whether it would be successes or when I am down. I am destroying my mental and physical health in studying law even though I do not even think I want it to be my future. All day, I am cleaning, doing chores, cooking for someone who does not even thank me and just does not care about it. I feel like a burden to my friends, to my boyfriend, and I do not see myself keeping it like that.I am exhausted, I do not even want to die but I just want it to stop. I am killing myself with anxiety, I hate myself, and I keep pushing my limits even though I know I have crossed them long ago. I cannot see a therapist, I cannot take time for me, I just do not know what to do. I do not know if I am capable of committing suicide, but the thought of it became more real every day.",Suicidal +21398,"I have decided to hang myself. I do not know when or where, but I have made the decision in my head. I cannot overcome my depression and ptsd",Suicidal +21399,i always knew that it would be expensive but i just saw the actual digit and idk if i want to burts out laughing or just cry. i was in a rather bad place mentally when i saw those digits and it kind of made me feel like I am alone and no one really genuinely cares. its just hopeless. something just does not feel right about the whole thing. feel like it depressed me even more. what a world just found out the price range of mental health service in my southeastern asia country,Suicidal +21400,"Ok so my friend (who I never said no to) sent me the wrong answers to an online (kind of group thing) test which and went to ghost me right afterwards which had enormous consequences on me failing the subject and not being able to transfer to my dream college I have no idea why she did that and how easy it was for her but I am devastated knowing that I helped in every way I could every single time I am just heartbroken and honestly transferring was my only goal for this year so I am really hopeless and I just do not see a reason to live anymore, I am still painfully hopeful by some chance I will get accepted to another slightly better college but I just do not care about it anymore or about anything I wish I could do the whole semester all over again but I cannot this is probably the wrong sub to write that but I am just lost right now and I kept calculating my score and how if she sent me the same answers she did I would be able to pass the entrance exam of that college Why",Suicidal +21401,Started sewing not so long ago and I suck at it. that is alright... I am new and I still have to learn but i feel like I do not have time for it. I am already 23 and I just got a entree level job. I see teenagers being millionaires and I have nothing going on for myself. Just want to die already. I do not even want to try anymore Feel like I never would achieve anything special,Suicidal +21402,I guess that is my take about depression. Kept thinking of death. I am forced to love suffering all day long. Depression causes you to think about reality and feel overwhelmed at the same time your mind is corrupting slowly without even you noticing it.,Suicidal +21403,"My name is Rachel Reagon. I am 24 years old and I come from South Africa. I am finally going to kill myself tomorrow. it is going to break my mother's heart and because so many problems in my family but it is gotten to the point where even that is not enough to keep me here. The last time I tried I did not really want to die, it was more a cry for help then anything else. I wanted to be committed. I thought there I would find a measure of peace. That they would pump me full of drugs and I would be left alone to lay in bed for rest of the day, that I could finally rest and get a break from my responsibilities. But it was an awful experience and I could not wait to leave, so I lied about feeling better and they let me out. That was about four years ago, and things have only gotten worse. I do not have the energy to go on living, and I do not even have the words to describe what I am feeling. I am just tired. The things that I used to love mean nothing to me anymore and everything I do is a chore. So this is the end for me. No more",Depression +21404,She died a few months an I cannot stop thinking about her I miss her so much I might take my life just to see here again she was the only reason why I wanted to live now that is she gone I have nothing I hope there is an afterlife so I can be with her for the rest of time I hope she will not be mad that I did this My grandma died,Suicidal +21405,"I know the title probably explains something 1,000s perhaps 1,000,000,000s are going through. The only thing keeping me alive right now is my faith and religion. And even that is starting to just not help me. I wrote a note the other day. I was so close. I had the knife in my hand ready to go. I just do not know what is keeping me anymore. Everyone thinks I am living a great good live. That I am happy and an average high school football player. That shit does not make me happy, football the love of my life does not make me happy. Religion does not make me happy. Two things that at one point gave me unbelievable joy in my life. Maybe I am a coward for wanting this all to end. Maybe I am ungrateful for the opportunity I got from life. I just want my dad again. I want to see him again. And if it means taking a shot at death, then fuck it I got nothing to live for anymore. I am a nobody and always will be. I wish I was never born. I wish I could give my life to someone who will discover the cure for cancer or AIDS, actually make a difference. I am doing it. I wrote my note to family. This is my goodbye to the internet. I tried with all my heart to live a good life. I do not want to die. I just.. this pain is unbearable.",Suicidal +21406,1: everyone treats me like shit2: everyone treats me like shit3:everyone treats me like shit4: everyone treats me like shit5: everyone treats me like shiti do not think i need another reason to leave reasons why i should commit suicide,Suicidal +21407,"I use the fucking suicide prevention lines and all their work gets undone by the damn school I go to. And my friends, those useless pieces of shit. They could not care less about me. Ignoring me every second. Refusing to read my texts and do not listen to my cries for help. Self harm is part of my daily routine now. I scratch my skin until its raw and stings in air and water. Oh, why am I here now? I am laughing at my pain. Whilst crying. Tears are normal for me and its normal for the others at school to see me cry. They ignore my fucking pain and tears. They ignore the cries for help. You know how in those games they have the NPCs? And how they do not know what to do and how sometimes people do not like them?I am basically the wondering trader in Minecraft and how he has nothing good to trade to people. I have nothing to give to the world, I am a god damn waste of space, and I am a useless piece of shit. I WILL kill myself soon. Nobody will care. Nobody will even notice. Help.",Depression +21408,"Hello all,I have been seeing a therapist for some time now due to moderate anxiety and a bit of depression secondary to an unofficial diagnosis of PTSD. My therapist has recommended that I visit a psychiatrist and that I may respond well to a low dose of an antidepressant, most likely an SSRI. My only hangup is the potential side effect of akathesia. Anyone have any information about akathesia or have a personal experience of akathesia due to SSRI's? Specifics please. Akathesia as a side effect of SSRI's?",Depression +21409,"I do not know why I self-deprecate so much. Is it because some part of me still lacks confidence even after I worked so much on it? Am I scared? Am I just lazy? Am I stupid? Or is it just that I have been way too overwhelmed and life has actually been hard on me so to a certain degree this is justified?? I do not know. Perhaps a combination of all I just said. Its almost like I did not want to apply but I did not want anyone else to have it either. Perhaps I felt too sure, thinking this opportunity will always be there?I actually am busy with a lot of stuff. I am in college (although I am a little bit too old for that as well). I have also gone through a lot of trauma (both mild and severe) throughout the years. So I do understand that I need to be kind to myself because I needed time to heal. But I just hate being unproductive and lazy. I hate it when people use excuses to justify their shitty behavior. I have seen how ugly it looks; I do not want to be one of those. There seems to be this repetitive pattern in my behavior that I deny myself from opportunities. Maybe deep down there is an unconscious part of me that feels like I do not deserve to have a better life? Is it because I have been bullied so much in the recent past, that it has left me filled with shame and guilt? I have noticed that I do the exact same thing in dating too. I know I have a great personality and naturally I deserve to love and to be loved, but then again, whenever I want to date, I keep thinking that I need to fix my life first. Like I am not good enough. But I know that is just an excuse. I just do not know why I have all these excuses. I understand that life is already happening in between; there is not supposed to be a perfect moment where I start living. Yet, this broken mentality will not let go, despite the fact that I keep empowering myself everyday.How do I stop?? How do you break free from your past? How do you stop procrastinating when you have ADHD? Yes, meds do help with focus, and self-discipline makes things better, but still, here I am. How do I make things... like... better better? I just lost an amazing job opportunity because I procrastinated so much with applying for it. Now its taken. I feel awful.",Depression +21410,"Hi, anonymous account for obvious reasons.I feel so utterly done; I have had enough. I am living in a flat on my own with no-one caring to visit. I have a few local friends who have their own lives which I understand but they choose not to visit at all. I have other long term friends who will never message, let alone call and I am tired. I tried moving here and being happy but with no contact, I just cannot.A few months ago my Mum was diagnosed with cancer, 6-9 months to live and she is currently going through the choice of whether to go through chemo or not. The only thing keeping me alive is the thought that it would break her heart... I am scared this is not going to be enough for me. Instead I will fade away from everyone is lives, apart from the only person who actually cares who now has a timer. I do not want to fade slowly and have no-one even know I am alive. The last couple of weeks after reading a few forums, I cannot stop picturing myself a little older, lying on the floor of a hotel as people walk past saying 'that is sad' and... that is it... Does no-one care anymore?I think I have alienated everyone and I do not know why. Since the original diagnosis in April, suddenly noone seems to actually care. The only person I thought did cancelled plans 4 times in 8 days last week and I think it is broken me but I cannot say anything; if I do I will be alone here. So instead, I feel the need to stop contact but then, that is literally everyone I know, gone...I did not expect any of this. People who I have been there for in the past, just gone.This just feels utterly undeserved and devastating. I have always made way to try and help others; elevate yourself by elevating others but I have been totally abandoned. I am the guy who used to stop and talk to random people and get along but now... If I walk to the sea, stand and cry, people just walk past... I am already a ghost.I am seeking help but could do with anonymous perspectives without judgement. I have got nothing left and it is deeply concerning me.I have tried working out but keep plummeting in weight. I am signed up of speak to someone and tried medication but there is just nothing. I do not know how the world suddenly became so lonely.I am not going to respond to any posts but I will read them all. I need advice/help",Depression +21411,"No one will miss me when I die. No one cares about me, no one likes me, No one even think about me just a shitty side character. I might aswell give up I hate this fucking bullshit planet The only thing I want is not to be a waste and I cannot do that I cannot NOT BE A WASTE OF AIR. I am thinking about joining the military so people will not think I am useless and I can die for my country. (16M UK BTW) Should I join?",Depression +21412,TL;DR tips to manage depression when stuck at homeI'm on the edge. I have severe depression and it feels worse cos I had a two month respite period from mid April to early June where things were still shit and my mom was still dying but I still felt loadssssss better. Now however I have hit rock bottom. I cannot leave the house much or see my friends and I have developed social anxiety too. I do not know how to make it better. Any tips on how to handle depression stuck at home would be appreciated. Tips please,Depression +21413,q3w4pirtu0-\[w45jthw4as56tjrw65jhqw345yq3 4 WHYYYGFDHN KGIJHDE0ISWEHG089IWEYGH i just completely destryoed my room and took some pills,Depression +21414,"Not thinking about doing a real and actual suicide atm. I am just in a lot of pain. The pain of having to go to work, the pain of the instability of my work, the fear that I enter into another toxic work environment (irregular hours are a norm in my country), the pain of having to deal with nasty people and the very real consequences that comes with not working.Help me. I hate being alive so much. there is no room for me to be me. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I just want the pain to stop",Depression +21415,"I just cannot do it no one gives a shit and I am ready for it to end but I am too scared to do it Just feel no one cares anymore, struggling to cope rn",Depression +21416,"Dear life, Thank you so much. you have taught me many things. I am forever grateful for all the good things and the bad things. It was too much and I could not handle the pain anymore. I wish I was better. I wish I was. \-P Ps. Mom, do not be sad. I love you. This is it. Been waiting for six years for this day.",Suicidal +21417,"This world is so fucked up, unless you have money, looks, or some other arbitrary factor you are worthless, and everyone that has it good tells you to keep going for no reason.People are so deluded in their own consumerism and dogmatic beliefs that they fail to see how pathetic this world is. We live in an age of hyper capitalism and hyper consumerism built through exploitation of the poor, where looks and money are the be all end all, where people no longer care about the character of your soul, but only about superficial things like the car you drive, how you look, or what clothes you wear. And yet if you ask people what they value they have the audacity to lie to your face and tell you that these superficial things do not matter to them, when in reality their entire existence revolves around them. People no longer value relationships or kindness or genuine interactions, only what is marketable and entails the most social cloutI pray that if there are aliens out there they come over and destroy this godforsaken planet, we have fucked up I hope aliens come and blow up Earth",Suicidal +21418,"I am not sure if I should submit my question to a professional. So that is why I post it here first. I am 35 years old and actually not happy since my puberty. My life does not seem to get off the ground. My younger brother is now married and even has children while I see obstacles everywhere. I have a few friends I can talk to but see less and less. Because they are now also getting married and having kids. I do not feel connected to my environment especially with the people everyone seems to be only concerned with themselves and winning, I am not interested in more and more and mainly looking for a friendship while most people are only interested in transacional friendships. Bought a house (noisy) that I regret and am very sensitive to noise and what people think of me. Most people all seem to function on some kind of autopilot. I do not know what to do with it everyday becomes more and more heavy. Am I suffering from depression? I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +21419,"I have been like this for 5 years now. I have not got medically checked. First of all, I cannot afford to neither do my parents. Second, I am afraid if they know that I am stressing myself for no reason they will going to think I am crazy. I do not know myself why am I stressing myself for I do not know what reason. I have been overthinking a lot and feeling anxious all the time. it is like my mind cannot take a break from all the thoughts.I have been distracting myself from other things to divert my attention but nothing seems to be working. I am having panick attack most of the time. I do not know why I am crying. I do not really know the reason at all! Sometimes I am okay but it does not take long. I am feeling like my body just shut down and I am getting this weird chills even though it is not cold from where I am living.At night really is the worst. I feel really really nauseous from all the thoughts that I have been thinking. I cannot control myself to not overthink. It feels like I do not have control of my own body. Do you guys feel nauseous from overthinking?",Depression +21420,"Am I the only one who do this? When I have too many bad feelings I just lay down in the dark, it does not help me to get better, but if I do not do it I get worse. Is it weird? Lying in the dark when overwhelmed",Depression +21421,Hello everyone. Just a reminder that today you are blessed to be living and breathing and right now you may be struggling but in this current moment everything is ok and fine and there is no reason why it will not stay that way. I wish you all a great day! Good morning,Depression +21422,"I cannot feel this way anymore. I feel worthless, I feel nothingness. My family does not want me, my friends do not know me, I do not know my lovers. The only thing I do know is that I am sorry. I am so sorry to everyone that has not understood me or my emotions. I know its really hard to deal with. I am sorry I was never good enough and the only thing I could be at the end of the day was myself. No one will have to deal with the burden anymore. I am ready to go. I am going",Suicidal +21423,someone tell me you love me please. i do not fucking care that you do not actually love me. i just need to hear it. I am so fucking done right now. i want to kill myself. i have no will to live and just one person to hold onto. but i think I am close to letting go. please someone tell me they love me,Suicidal +21424,"Like you, I have suffered greatly during my 28 years of existence. I am posting this because I have finally unsubscribe to this subreddit. I am sure I am going to get conflicting opinions about this, but I think that this is an important thing to talk about.Since I have finally lifted myself out of depression, after many years pain and suffering, I find that seeing these posts in my feed make me feel sad. I do not want to feel sad anymore, not that anybody does, but I see that if I unsubscribe I will not have this daily dose of sadness in my life anymore.This is important to note because I think that this happens to more people than we tend to realize. Once somebody finally gets out of depression it would behoove them to distance themselves from negativity and sadness regardless of the pain and suffering of those enduring it.My point is this, one of the problems with depression and why it seems to be largely ignored or exploited for monetary gain, might just be that once people get out of it they stop engaging with the community because it makes them sad. It does not mean I am not going to continue to help people whenever I can because I will and I do. it is just something I have noticed that I think people might want to hear about.I wish you all the best of luck, my breakthrough was getting back together with one of my childhood friends who was around when I went through most of the childhood trauma that I endured. Being with him brought me right back to when I was being molested in my basement by a mutual friend of ours. It felt like I got struck by lightning. Hanging out with my friend and engaging in playing a video game that my molester used to play with us all the time seemed to somehow get my emotions to start functioning properly again. It felt like whoever I was, died in that basement at 13 years old. Like all of my emotions became stuck in time and unaccessible. My emotions are finally working again, and I do not think there would have been any chance of me recovering without them back. I am not quite sure how this works, but I am actively trying to duplicate my experience in those around me who are suffering. If anyone else has experienced anything like this I would greatly appreciate it if you would share your experience.I wish you all the best of luck. And I know how much it hurts. I never thought it was going to get better I was convinced I would end up offing myself before 30. I would encourage you to go and find the people that you were hanging around when you were young when the worst things in your childhood happened to you. The better they know your abuser the higher the chance if something extraordinary happening (I think). Beat Depression after 28 years. cannot look at these posts anymore. & My breakthrough moment.",Depression +21425,"I am a gay trans man and have so many years of complex trauma, I hate my job, I feel like no one loves me or believes me or treats me like the person I am, I know feelings are not facts but I am so fucking tired of feeling like this. I have wasted my life trying to make everyone happy and I am just tired. I am so tired. I do not want to live anymore, scratch that, I do not want to live with this pain anymore. I have been gay as long as I have known even though it was something I had to push down for many years and I did not even realize being trans was something you could be but it is, after an occasional bump of not feeling like shit due to life saving shit like Spravato, I feel like my pain is back and I am just tired of having to fight back so so hard. I feel like my life is meaningless but I know it is not. I want to kill myself, not the current self but the old self and finally be the man I am supposed to be. I realize it is going to have to be some more intense trauma therapy and likely moving to actual therapeutic Ketamine but I just do not want to live like this anymore. Not die but live. Actually fucking live. I know my life is not a death sentence but fuck if it does not feel like one, I feel like I have no one but I know that is not case, I am excited about some of the changes I am making but I just feel like I was never given a chance, never given a real fucking chance, I feel like I am not living but slowly dying, I hate how I feel but I know it is my brain lying to me and just tired, I am really fucking tired and I just do not want to be depressed anymore, I am so tired. So so tired. I am so done. I am so fucking done. I want to say goodnight world because it sounds like a suicide note, it is not, I just want to kill the pain inside, that is all I want to do, I do not want to live with this anymore. I do not want to live anymore. I am done, I am so done guys. I have a will to live but I am just tired of living with this. I feel so fucking alone",Depression +21426,I want to Break free I want to break free,Suicidal +21427,"I know everyone talks about going to/not getting out of bed when they are depressed, but does anyone else go and hide in the bath on the particularly bad days? I have spent almost five hours straight in the bath today, and absolutely cannot will myself to get out.It just feels so much safer than anywhere else.Yes I know it is not good for one to spend extended periods of time in the bath, but neither is depression so Upgrade from depression naps",Depression +21428,I held a knife in my hand today and cried. I wanted to slit my throat and wrists in the shower. I am just unlovable and miserable. I wish to disappear.I hate myself.I am still trying to keep going but every week is harder. I am supposed to start therapy in maybe September but idk if I can make it. I hate myself,Suicidal +21429,"I am 14 and I know that my depression is just a bunch of chemicals acting up in my brain. My brother told me that my sadness is a phase too and at the time I was angry at him for that but he was telling the truth. I have no purpose, no talent, no personality, no friend, no faith, no goal, no true love for anyone or anything other than my fantasies. I am disappointed in myself and in everyone and everything.Depression sucks...my grades at school are not going so well. I am very negative about everything. I hate school. Everyday feels the same. I try so hard to be happy but it does not go anywhere. I tried socializing more with people but I get ignored evey single time.I am just so hopeless and helpless. I am sure the world is beautiful...but maybe I do not have a place in it. I am sick and tired of everything",Depression +21430,When I hear people having sex it makes me extremely angry and suicidal. I want to due I am so lonely. I am extremely lonely and angry,Suicidal +21431,"I did have some people reach out to me and I truly appreciate that. I am sorry I did not respond, and will not be responding. I ended up giving myself a horrible migraine, the kind that lands a person in the hospital. Maybe my body was trying to tell me something. It does not matter. Atm I am just wasting time on a foolish hope, but even that will be gone eventually. Ill give some more context for anyone interested. So on with itAfter 20 years, my husband is demanding a divorce. Seemingly out of nowhere. Sure we have had our ups and downs over the years. Who does not?However, this has completely blindsided me, because I honestly had no idea this was coming. I have spent our life together, always making my decisions for him, so that we could be happy together. From having kids I did not want, to giving up my jobs to stay home with those kids, maintaining a relationship with his toxic mother when he did not have one with her, allowing him to just carte blanche make decisions regarding new pets coming into the home, and on and on and on. I am pushing 40 (which is still young) and I have a 15 year gap in employment, so it does not matter what I can do or have done, job prospects are basically nil for me.My life has not been the easiest, and while in the beginning of this with my husband, I did struggle with adjusting to everything being so far away from imagined. I came to terms and I was by and large happy with what we have and have built over the years. Maybe the issue was I did not express that enough. I do not know. I do know at some point over the last 6 months, hes become uncommunicative and has been dealing with a massive amount of stress/pressure at work. I have done my best to recognize that and I thought giving him space would help him. Clearly I was wrong. My entire world is coming to an end and I really cannot deal with it. Nothing will change for him but everything will be changing for me. I really do not see myself making it to the other side of this. I have already got a plan and all I need to put it in motion. The only thing stopping me is the tiniest glimmer of hope he will come to his senses, as I do not want any of this. I already know that is foolish and I am just wasting time. I really wish I was stronger than this. Again, thanks for reading. Wasting time",Suicidal +21432,"I am honestly ok with dying. I am willing to go through that pain to get to where i want to, and my plan is not that painful anyway (carbon monoxide suffocation, maybe with sleeping pills so i can driff off to sleep and never come back, i will not feel a thing)but I am scared ill do it wrong. I am scared i might mess up or i accidentally survive or something and i know life after that point will be completely different and worse because ill have to go to therapy or some shit and i do not want to do that. i do not want to fix myselfthats one of the biggest things keeping me from committing die :) so now I am just stuck in a loop of confusion suffering and wishing that i do not wake up the next morning :)have a good day you all not scared of death OR dying, but scared of surviving",Suicidal +21433,"I would eat nothing for a day so tomorrow my body would feel good and happy when I eat dinner the next day. it is the only joy I get to feel anymore. This is a horrible cycle. I hate it, but I cannot stop. I am only happy when eating.",Depression +21434,The day I die I will feel so much better and relief!! I cannot wait to die,Suicidal +21435,I want to die badly. Just someone talk to me... Someone just talk to me please,Depression +21436,"I work a shitty low wage job, no drivers license and still live with my parents. I feel so hopeless everyday. I get barely any pleasure from doing things I used to love such as playing video games or listening to music. I just do it to pass the time. I am going to kill myself one day, I cannot do this for another 60 years Life is unbearable.",Suicidal +21437,I am always eating and throwing up or hours on the treadmill until I cannot move anymore hiding my sickness from my boyfriend is so hard sometimes but its fire season so hes gone for the next couple of months .. I feel so crippled by my self imagine I am scared that I will never feel like its enough. Its causing issues with someone I love so much because I cannot imagine he would ever want someone like me and now I have these trust issues that hes talking to other girls. He called me a nuisance yesterday when I was just looking for reassurance he cheated on me last year and I do not know if I can ever get over it. Is it supposed to hurt for this long? Crying on the treadmill,Depression +21438,"I do not really know how to explain this but I kind of just want to die since months now but I am scared of it. Why? Well, I am scared of dying in pain or even surviving it and living with a disability. I also am kind of feel bad because of my best friend who takes care of me for more than a year now and once told me that he will kill himself also when he dies. He feels guilty for my behavior and also thinks that he cannot live with the conscience not saving me. Does anybody feels like me? Or am I the only one? Does anybody knows what I should do? I want to die but I am scared of killing myself",Suicidal +21439,"My whole adult life (I am 52) has been a search for work and financial success I have become quite successful in my quest but these days I feel completely unfulfilled personally I love my friends, and my job but feel totally empty inside All of my decisions in ther last 30 yrs have revolved around my job and its pursuits (its a freelancers world) the job requires extreme personal sacrifice in terms of hours worked (up to 16/day, sometimes 7 days/week, and extensive long term travel) Ill never have children as a result of this job (I am getting to old), my relationships are motivated and molded by the job and my sense of self worth is defined by my success professionally to change would be so drastic and leave my wonderful GF and life behind I feel so empty I just wean to stop and get off the train Not sure why I am feeling this way",Depression +21440,"I do not know if this is the best place to post this, but I needed to write my thoughts down. My father told me today that hes arranged to go for a week holiday in September with his friends. I have not had the chance to be alone for longer than 24 hours for awhile now so I felt in my heart like this would be the perfect time.I have been wanting to end my life for awhile now. I attempted to take my life about 2 years ago, I was so broken but in the end I was stupid enough to think there was a glimmer of hope and I did not go through with it all the way. Since then I have received help and support from my family and a few friends which I am so grateful for but in the end nothing has changed. I am such a burden and waste of space on everyone and I am still the empty she will of a person I have always have been. I have not got any better, only worse. So the thought of ending my life brings me comfort, knowing Ill have peace at last and the pain will stop. So I have waited it out, just drifting through limbo until the opportunity came.I have always been subconsciously planning to get things organised after my first attempt. In some sense I have been slowly making sure all of my accounts and belongings are in order so it will be a little easier for my family in some way. But now I have two months to really plan and organise it, but I have do it in such a way that my family will not notice anything off.I like to be organised, even with death I guess. So as well as how I am going to end my life. properly this time, I just need look in to things like: -my student dept and what happens when I do pass away, will the debt so straight to my parents? I want to pay so much off now as I can so if that happens its not as much for them. -Make sure to leave them letters and also leave my usernames and passwords to my bank, phone account etc.-Which would be the best day to do it, towards the end of my fathers holiday? so if that my mum calls on the day and I do not answer, she would ring my father in a panic and he would have to to leave his holiday earlier to come back to open the house to check on me. I cannot think of anything else while typing this right now but Ill make posts on here as I go. I am writing this and posting it on here in hopes that my family or friends might find peace if they ever come across my Reddit account. I hope they will know that I loved them with all my heart but this is truly what I wanted. Or Ill probably just delete my account towards the end. but I just I feel better writing it all down. My two month plan",Depression +21441,"I am just so fucking done. Thinking about it, I would be forgotten within barely a generation. I matter to absolutely no one. The only note I would leave is to beg my parents not to destroy my art works, because I know my dad would do that if he had the chanceIt is a stupid thing to care about, but I hate that every person who called me a loser, pathetic, nothing etc were actually right. I am sure they will get a kick out of my death, not to mention a good laugh. Took Loads of Prozac and Went Looking for a Good Spot to Hang Myself.",Suicidal +21442,"So much shit happened lately. I lost my job, relationship, a place for living, money. I do not want to be here since always. I have even started asking questions about my future suicide - is it by fall (if so, blindfolded maybe? or while being really intoxicated?) or by waiting for a train to smash my head on the tracks.I will commit suicide. I gave it a solid thought or two. Just do not know when and where. Today? In few days? Abroad? I have decided. I am doing this.",Suicidal +21443,i really want to fucking diei'm not scared my end is neighthere's only darkness in my eyei wonder where i went awryi do not know why but i cannot cryi make these cuts across my thighi just want my veins to run dryi want to fall from somewhere highi really want to fucking diei wish this was my last goodbye poem (tw: sh and su*c*de ideation),Depression +21444,"I really, and I mean really hate people. I hate that I cannot avoid social connections. I hate that literally everything I do or everywhere I go, I have to be around people. 25 years of socialising, and it just gets worse and worse everyday. I fucking hate my family, I fucking hate everyone. I hate the sellers I have to contact with when I need something from the grocery store. I hate the clerks I have to talk to. I hate other humans that walk on the streets or sitting in other cars. I hate waiters and waitresses that fake sympathy and kindness just for a little a tip. (Like jeez, maybe I consider tipping if you just shut the fuck up.) I hate the courier that delivers something I ordered on a webshop. I hate that I have to cross-check with my boss and coworkers. I am really weird and socially awkward (I might have autism) and I have speech errors. I can tell how they judge and hate me. Why I just cannot fucking be alone? How the fuck can I totally isolate myself? My awereness for surrounding/situational awereness is totally shattered, I am living in my own head and thoughts and I cannot always tell if I am in a lucid dream or what. So my mind is isolated totally, but now I want to physically isolate myself. How can I isolate myself from literally everyone?",Suicidal +21445,"I (25F) struggle with depression/anxiety for years and for the most part of it suicide thoughts too (never acted on them tho).All of this is mostly because I am just lost on what to do with my life, not some major trauma (If you do not count the bullying i experienced younger).I just cannot seem to find anything interesting to do. I never wanted nor want to marry/have kids and I have zero hobbies because nothing catches my attention. Even simple things like music/tv/games keep my attention for a short period of time and then I am bored again.That have been a hell for me because I do not seem to be able to either work, in fact I find work the worst part of being alive.I do not even find people interesting to form friendships/relationships. Had a few friends while at school but did not keep in contact bc I do not want to talk to them, it makes me bored. Had a few people flirt with me but they just seemed way too much for me to handle. I am ashamed to say this but I do not even want to have sex, in fact I cringe like a 5 year old.Even travelling is not something for me, I just do not care about the ""beauty"" of this shithole and seeing other places or whatever. It feels like I am from a different planet most of the time.I just want to die because everything seems weird, fake and uninteresting. What if I do not have any dreams?",Suicidal +21446,"I have no idea anymore. I used to enjoy and appreciate the taste of food I used to enjoy, now I only think of it as a fuel for myself to live. I also used to enjoy playing a lot of video games, and now it is just a reality distractor so I do not have to worry about the horrors of reality. This world is awful, the longer I stay in this planet, the more problems I see in this planet. I have been down by these past months because of this mindset of mine and I do not know what to do. Everything feels so pointless, it is only there for a temporary amount of time and then it will all be back to loneliness and death waiting for your time to come. I have lost the feelings I used to enjoy.",Depression +21447,"TW: CSAI'm 19 years old. I am unemployed, i do not go to school. I live in an abusive enviroment with my grandfather who sexually abused me as a child and its not easy to just put his ass in jail like so many people have advised me to do. My mother is just as depressed as me and sometimes we do not get along and she can get hella abusive. Sometimes she will go as far as ganging up against me with my grandfather.My grandmother just died a month ago. I lived with her since I was 11 and honestly it traumatized the shit out of me. She was only 64 years old and died of a massive stroke. IT came out of nowhere and I have had physical symptons of grief. I feel like throwing up. I could not sleep.People expect me to just get over my situation and just become this great person after my grandmother died and its just making the suciidal feelings worse.I have extreme social anxiety. I am extremely insecure. My father is a deadbeat and does not give a shit. My mother does not understand me. My grandfather is a narcissist.My friend just tells me to get over it because her parents are worse and i do not have the right to feel this way.My therapist is not helping me. I do not feel heard. I just feel like I am not a prioity for them.I just want to fucking kill myself. Everything is messed up",Depression +21448,"I am drunk, again. I have only been drinking for a week. I used to run and I currently do crossfit but this pandemic has me fucked on top of my regular fucked life. All I think of is killing myself. I got my vaccination yesterday and all I kept thinking is why am I doing this? I will probably be dead soon anyway. I have literally nothing to live for. My family is shit. I got kicked out of the doctorate program I was doing because I freaking freaked out during the pandemic. I tried to get into that program for 3 years and then in just a day, it was all over. I have tried for so long to overcome my abusive past and I have just never been able to overcome it. I cannot make friends, I guess because once I started to trust people someone I considered a friend raped me...so here I am. An American, in Spain, just existing. I am in therapy but it is not enough. I am too damaged. I am really fucked up. I think I am a nice person. I am sensitive to others, I want to help others but here I am drunk again because I cannot deal with myself. I do not know what I am trying to do here by typing here but I guess I am asking for help. I feel myself teetering on the edge of sanity. I am 40 years old this year. it is a big year and everyone ""important"" in my life ignored it. I am slowly making suicide acceptable. Help, I guess?",Suicidal +21449,I am covered in blood I am freaking out,Suicidal +21450,"What do you have to do to be able to have a sense of belonging?All throughout my life I have never once felt that I belonged somewhere. I have always felt that I am not good enough to be here. I am always the outsider, the outlier. For example I live with 5 other friends of mine. Each of them is good at various stuff. Each of them experienced dark days but they would tell me they bounced back. I cannot fathom what it feels like to not give up, at least anymore. I do not join clubs because I feel like I do not have the set of skills to be a member of them, I cannot make friends because I feel like they do not want me around. I have lost more friends than I can count and I am gradually losing more connections. The few I have left, I feel like they are also slowly going. All because I feel like they do not want me around.The most sense of belonging I have felt is on this platform. I have been here for 3y, mostly inactive for the first two. But even then I feel like I do not belong here. A sense of belonging",Depression +21451,"I would like to ensure my mom when I kill myself. I went to Youtube trying to learn about how they work but for some reason it looks to me as if this is an obscure topic, comments made by bot-like people and stuff. Can you get scammed by them?Thank you Are life insurances legit?",Suicidal +21452,"They call me egghead and spam their comments on my YouTube channel. I want them to stop this is making me feel suicidal. I am really sensitive and emotional. Even r/YouTube thinks I am a joke. Maybe I deserve to die, maybe I should jump out of the window. I am being made fun of and its making me suicidal",Suicidal +21453,Depression and anxiety ruin everything I hate how much anxiety and depression ruined my life. No relationships barely any friends no dates . I could have had such a great fun life if social anxiety and depression did not ruin it. Now I am 30 and my entire twenties were wasted,Depression +21454,i love death resist living guys it is awful here on earth. Death is the only thing that will make me happy,Suicidal +21455,"I lost count of how many times i heard these things, ""Hold on a little longer, things will get better"" when will it be better ? I cannot handle more time like this, I am so exhausted from trying to fight back and trying to overcome all my problems. I do not want to live another day with all this. I am tired of holding on",Suicidal +21456,I will start. I have been having an awful time lately and I do not know if I will be okay anytime soon but this subreddit along with a few others are helping me cope and I feel like I am not alone. I do not have anyone to talk to and it sucks but that is nothing new. How are you guys? how is everyone doing? How are you doing?,Depression +21457,"I am old, eighty pounds overweight, waiting to pass a miscarriage, living in my ex's house, jobless, no car, and pathetic Woke up feeling disgusted with myself n my life",Depression +21458,"I am sick of everything. sick of high school, sick of being abused at home, sick of just living. I am tired of being told to live for others when everyday feels numb and the same. everyone always say do not die there is so much to live for... but for what? no amount of living will take away this unbearable trauma, depression and heartbreak I have been through.fuck it all, i give up. I am going to kill myself tonight",Suicidal +21459,"Life is meaningless. I cannot fall asleep at night because my thoughts keep me awake and I cannot get out of bed in the morning because what is the point? Days are exactly the same and we just reset them everyday. I wish it would all just stop. Death sounds like such a peaceful and happy state. I long for happiness. I have not been truly happy in years and I do not even know how it feels anymore. Showering, brushing my teeth and all the other functioning human activities are pointless to me. I do not care about anything. I do not make plans because I might not be here tomorrow. I do not care for possessions because where I am going I do not need them. I just want it all to end.Getting help is horrible. Firstly you need to admit to yourself that something is not right and that these thoughts are not normal. Then you need to tell others this feels more like convincing them that you have a problem. I call it a problem because that is how everyone sees it but infact you have a solution to all your problems but this is not how others will see it. People say that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but the problem is not temporary and all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. We are all going to die someday I just want it to happen sooner rather than later. Fuck the world and everyone in it I honestly do not care. Life is just constant suffering with small instances of happiness. Now you start taking medication and if you are lucky it works for you but more often than not it does not. You still feel the same but now even worse. You go to a psychiatrist and tell her your entire life's story even the parts you have never told anyone. You feel beter when you walk out of the room but it does not last long and you are right back to your old self. This constantly trying to fix yourself is exhausting and if you do not see results it makes everything worse. You begin to think if it is worth it and if you should not just give up. It is way easier to just end it all but yet you keep trying each day but how many times are you going to be able to do this before it catches up to you.I am tired, tired of pretending to be ok. Tired of pretending to give a fuck. Tired of having these thoughts. Tired of putting in the work to fix me when I do not even know if I can be fixed. I did not ask to be this way, most of the time I just wish I was normal and maybe even a bit closer to the bottom of the IQ range. Maybe then I would just accept everything for what it is. Laugh at peoples stupid jokes and do all the other pathetic human stuff. But I am not normal. I do not feel alive. It is as if this is all one big dream and to be honest what is the real difference between reality and dreams? Maybe if I kill myself I will finally wake up from this dream?Fuck this world.I do not want to pretend anymore.I have depression and if you do not have it you will never understand. If you want to give me advice and tell me to just suck it up you can go fuck yourself. Inside the mind of a suicidal person.",Depression +21460,but I just do not think I can cope with the health problems I keep getting and the thought of being absolutely useless and meaningless to everyone anymore. I keep trying to make myself happy,Suicidal +21461,"I have already wanted to die over the past few days even more than normal, but now I have been sick over the past few days and I got sick at work which meant I had to leave. Now my parents are taking me to urgent care but my dad is thinking I am faking what could possibly be a kidney infection (tmi but from a possible uti I ignored for over a week(I promise I am not a gross person and I am very very uptight about hiygene ease maintaining myself, just been miserable) and is annoyed he has to spend that much money on me. If I do have something wrong with me I will not off myself, but if there is not, I will. I think this is it Long story short",Suicidal +21462,I feel like I cannot do anything right I had to get a new vision prescription and I tried to choose glasses that were just like the old ones but once I got them I realized they are too big for my head and it makes me so self conscious to wear them so I thought ok I will just get contacts but I cannot put them in even though I went there twice to try I just could not do it and now I am just giving up maybe I will wear my old glasses or just not wear any at all I do not know why this is so hard for me when it is such a small issue that anyone else could deal with easily but I just mess everything up it is horrible and it makes me want to never leave my room again I just cannot do it I feel so defeated by the smallest things,Depression +21463,I (20m) have been abusing drugs for 3 yearsI did not do last Sem of uni I cannot hold down a regular job and had to move back to my grandparents like 4 times I have ruined 3 possibly good relationships due to my fucked up attachment issues I hate this... I do not want to live in this life.... I just got ghosted by the only person I knew who I was attached to but the last time we interacted she called me and ridiculed me and I did not even realise she was doing that and then yeah I realised I was blocked I have literally no one left accept my grandparents who I live with and I do not feel good about being around only them I do not feel like I am being socialised properly and they look old and it is scary and fuck idk. I am an utter piece of shit,Depression +21464,"Unfortunately, I am 17F and three months away from turning 18 I do not expect medical advice but just to rant. A year ago I was in a psych ward after a previous attempt of suicide and I was assigned to see a therapist since I got discharged and I had multiple fucked up episodes since, the most recent one costing me my job temporarily. I was out of work for a month my therapist told me it was likely I have bipolar disorder and assigned for me to see a doctor the next month. We do not have a car so my narcissistic father had to take me but told me he could not take us (he did not want to do it because I yelled at him for yelling at my mother for asking for financial support and saying that that is exactly why he left her). He refused to take me after waiting a month for care because I ""swore"" at him for blaming us for his bullshit narcissism. He said to my mother until I apologize for my actions he is going to stop taking care of me (dental needs, doctors appointments, etc.) My mom does not believe in medication and I am not really a fan either, but since bipolar has been pointed out to me the hallucinations, paranoia, insomnia, impulsive decisions, and suicide attempts, make sense because of the dramatic shifts in my moods a few times a year. I believe I am manic at the moment because my decision making gets waaaaay more fucked up than usual and I am loud, fast talking, energized, and have not slept for more than 5 hours a night and now I am not sleeping at all regardless of 9 hours shifts at work. I only have insight now because it happened to me so many times. I am really irritable at my mother because I have to be like this because until I am 18 I have no say in my care. She does not believe in medicine and I do not like medicine either but I do not want to be like this anymore. She calls me dramatic when I feel like I am going through hell in my mind. Everyone just feels the need to call me a bitch:Me: *Did not sleep AT ALL after closing at work and when I almost had a remote chance at sleeping my niece starts screaming her head off*My sister: *who recently shit on me for crying about a recent miscarriage I had at a baseball game and asking to go home when she wanted to see fucking BIG AND RICH (lmao) literally yelled at me the whole time for asking to leave in front of zillions of people starts hissing at me and blaming me for waking up her child when she was clearly already awake and screaming when I got up*Me: *Pissed because of this*My sister: ""you are SUCH A BITCH!"" Then there is my mom:Me: *exhausted but cannot sleep due to the episode*My mom: ""Take out the garbage.""Me: ""Okay.""My mom: ""I said do it now! I do everything around here and you just lay there.""Me:*did not sleep after work, just hates life in general and does not want to react the way I do but she keeps freaking out* ""IT WILL GET DONE I PROMISE YOU!""My mom: ""You always say that. You always have to have things done your way."" *Proceeds to threaten to call my dad or someone to yell at me*Me:*Yells expletives out of extreme anger, starts screaming and covering ears because of sensory overload, and BEGS her to leave me alone because NOTHING would be more relieving at that point*My mom: *Walks away* ""you are so dramatic.""My mom does not get that I have a disease in my brain. She makes me live like this and it makes me so angry when she says stuff like that.My dad in a nutshell: *Is bipolar himself, narcissistic, and blackmails me for taking care of me*I hate it when people try to tell me that it is because I am ""a teenager"" I want those people to go to hell. I have tried to die 3 times, cannot function without a stimulant, lost a child, was shit on for having feelings about it, have abandonment issues because of my dad leaving when I was one, forcing me to be in this world with these problems and then replacing me AND HE STILL does not LET US FORGET! LOL (not to mention people who have called me a mess and left and used me on a romantic level), have three current diagnoses already, and if I express myself I get called a bitch or ""Somebody has it worse""I am done.I feel like genuinely crying but my moods will not let me. I deal with manic episodes and I am called dramatic by my mother who will not let me go on medication *Not as long of a story as it looks*",Depression +21465,I think I can live in South Korea but I would be judged for my nationality. I have friends in Korea and we both share the same values and principles. I also acknowledge the covert judgment. I think I can live here (in my country) but it can be hard to find someone to trust. Challenge to live,Suicidal +21466,"Yes I am probably crazy but read if you would like. Maybe I am not crazy whatsoever, maybe the intelligent man simply sounds like an insane man to the less intelligent. Who knows. If a society wanted to put a cap on the capabilities of its inhabitants, it could hypothetically be entirely possible with psychological barriers. Say a society wants to ensure that nobody gets too smart, or enlightened for the liking of the simulation, a swift dose of nihilism could put a stop to the inhibitions of the intelligent in order to ensure that they will not destroy the simulation. A perfect citizen is ignorant, therefore they can slave their life away to the world as they know it, rather than asking questions about that world. If somebody becomes too enlightened, they will not have the desire to slave away for the machine the way they know it to be, rather they would attempt to dissect the irregularities and analysis regarding their existence. As its commonly said, ignorance is bliss, and if you are ignorantly blissful you are not posing a threat to the simulation.What if depression was able to be weaponized in some sort of manner. Instilling a hopeless state of despair into those who pose a threat to a society would ensure that they would not hold motivation to genuinely embark on anything seriously threatfull towards the norms of the machine. It is insanely implausible, but entirely possible, that the simulation we exist in utilizes depression and nihilism as psychological maneuvers to maintain a functional society. If you want to put a stop to the inhibitions of any threat, simply red pill them. Once they reach the nihilistic realizations of reality, they will likely shut down. Psychological weaponization of depression",Depression +21467,"I (23M) have been looking for a relationship for a long time but have had an awful bad luck so far, tried everything but still failed everytime. do not know what is wrong, is it me or circumstances. Seen people who treat their partners as shit still having a relationship. do not know why I cannot, I know I am nog perfect but I am damn sure, that I will show my perfect love for her. Have been told that I will be great boyfriend and what not by my female friends but still have had no luck at all. Also, because of past failed relationships, in which was left for no proper explanation at all have made me scared to start a conversation with others anymore. I do not know whether to put too much effort or not in the beginning or not. Tried both ways and still failed. Have developed trust issues and what not.Sorry, just wanted to let it all out, was just feeling depressed and thought of being end up alone. Just want a partner or someone",Depression +21468,"I grew up moving a lot and for that reason I do not have many long time friends. Childhood friends? None. I do not think I even know how to make friends anymore because every person I meet at work or college I think are just colleagues and do not even like me outside of that environment.Since my fiance proposed, I have been facing the fact that our wedding is going to have a bunch of people he knows and like, my family? One or two friends of mine? That thought makes me insanely sad, and I do not want him to feel bad about having more friends than I do, but I know I am lashing out on him.Everytime we go out with his friends, he says I am rude to him and to other people. He says I either try to take all his attention to myself or I just stay there, watching people and saying nothing - which he thinks it is rude.That has happened a lot of times in the last three years and I have been thinking about how I do not have more than two real friends and maybe that is why I do not know how to communicate or behave. I do not know if I suffer from social phobia, if it is just my depression and anxiety or if I am actually rude. I think I may be crazy. Like, actually crazy.Its been so hard that everytime I need to leave the house to meet his family or friends, I feel like throwing up, I get so nervous I keep imagining how everything is going to go and how I should behave. Should I say hi and hug people? Should I just stay quiet? Maybe I should just stay on my phone, or try to talk to people? If they ask me something, how should I respond? Should I smile, should I even continue the conversation or just answer the question?I do not know how I am going to live like this. I feel like I do not ever want to go out again. My fiance says I am rude and treat him and other people bad. I do not know if it is just my depression or something else",Depression +21469,"Idk how to ask this properly but if you are parents are kind of blinded by the stigma around mental health, can you use mild fictional scenarios and examples and try and have a discussion about everything in a way that does not directly or indirectly affect anyone. I am talking about telling them something that might not have happened irl but in a fictional reality and you just use it as a real world incident so you can simply have a polite and positive discussion with them about it to try to dissolve the stigma around depression, at least with your family, especially in young adults. I do not mean to be insensitive or inappropriate in anyway, I just think that this might be a way to have a healthy discussion with kind of conservative parents, to just better your relationship with them because maybe you will get a new perspective and that might turn out to be actually kind of healing. I am sorry if this sounded inappropriate in any way, I did not mean it. I just need some advice. Thank you. Idk who to ask so I am posting this here. it is a little long but I would be really glad if you could please answer. I do not mean to sound weird or inappropriate in anyway so if you think this might be a wrong way to start a discussion please let me know. I am just trying to heal and grow positively.",Depression +21470,"it is a shame low quality things are made available to me. When I complain, they would say that I am ungrateful. My only choice is to suffer. People do not realize that they can change. No wonder people do not improve. I want to leave this family and this country. Untitled",Suicidal +21471,I feel so done and tired but I do not even have a valid reason to be. I always feel like I am in a liminal space where I regret the past and feel uncertain about what is coming. I feel burnt out but I have not done anything,Depression +21472,"life is just getting harder I am suffering mentally and physically everyday,and jesus christ I am going to be in the army next week,idk if I could handle it what I am trying to say that life is just so scary,it is so hard,the responsibilities and pain that I feel on my shoulder go away when I think about doing it it is comforting thinking like that,deep down I do not want to do it But I feel like I am hanging by a thread it is so easy and comfortable to have a plan to kill yourself",Suicidal +21473,"Obviously, there are people who commit suicide either because their ""loved ones"" do not care for them, or they were abandoned by those people. Stop asking people not to commit suicide because their ""loved ones"" will feel sad once they take their lives.",Suicidal +21474,I just want to be out of this cruel world. that is all I wanted to say. Just get me out of here.,Depression +21475,"Something really bad happened to me and I have officially given up on life. Everyone keeps telling me I am young and I have time and everythings ok but its not. No one is ever here when I am struggling just to get out of bed. No ones ever here until I am ready to be gone forever. And that is not fair. My life has hit so low that I know I am done with it But I know my mom ,family, and my Bf would be so hurt. But I just do not know how else to continue on...... I wish everyone would stop pretending and lying to me like my life matters. I am so lost I feel like I cannot be found. I am mentally done. Thank you for letting me vent. I give up",Depression +21476,Many people in my grade now know that I am not straight. My parents also found out. They hate me so much. They will not even speak to me.I just want to leave this place and move to Toronto or Amsterdam or anywhere I would feel somewhat more accepted and safe. there is still months before that is possible. I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot even focus on my studies because the thought of returning to school after lockdown is scaring me. I am so scared of leaving my room and facing my parents and classmates,Suicidal +21477,"Throwaway. I am 16 and I feel like my life is well and truly over. I barley have friends (none in person, maybe 1 online) and everything feels so empty. All I did yesterday was a sit in my house and smoke weed. All day. that is it. I had no idea what to do with myself in during the day, nothing made me feel excited, fulfilled or happy. I do not have any friends to hand out with, nobody to play video games with, I could die and nobody would notice. Everything makes me feel lonely, to the point seeing other people together having fun makes me feel alone. I was watching videos of the hooliganism in Italy after they won the semis and one of my thoughts was if that happened where I live, Id be at home, high and pretending I did not care. I would want to be out there, in a group with my friends getting drunk and flashed but in reality if it did happen it would just be another thing I missed, another story I do not have to tell, another time the world passed me by like I am stalled on the side of the highway. I have always been eccentric, interested in things that kids my age find very weird like politics, and the law for example. I wrote a manifesto for a made up political party for fun. Who the fuck does that??? I always feel like I have to censor certain parts of myself in the real world and that I do not fit into any cliques, nobody can match my level of eccentricity. I *used* to be an athlete but I am now I am nerdy. I smoke weed, but I am not that popular kid in high school. I have been told I am good looking, but I am teeming with insecurity and self esteem issues. I am destined to be alone and unfulfilled, a wasted could have been who let his life and possibly memories fall away. I am in somewhat of a relationship, but I have been stressing terribly over it. I like her, but she lives 90 min by transit away from me and in the past I have had trouble getting it up with girls. Will I be able to this time? Is there something wrong with me? How am I supposed to maintain a meaningful, connected relationship with someone? Another nail in the fucking coffin. I have a job as a landscaper, but the more I do it the more I slowly dislike it. Its physical labour in the heat for minimum wage, its hard to tell myself that I enjoy it. Its the only reason I leave the house, and its not even that good of a reason. So there, I got it off my chest. I feel helpless. 16 and feeling beyond empty. Its over.",Depression +21478,"Wow, fuck the world, I am going hermit mode I just got ghosted by the only person I knew",Depression +21479,that is it I do not even have the motivation to start whining I just want things to end my psychological state becomes worse and I cannot seem to be able reverse the situation. I want to stop existing.,Depression +21480,"I have been abused most of my life. Sexual abuse from a young age, emotional abuse as well. Mental abuse, though less frequent, and also, lately financial abuse. I am 33. I have never stopped living for my parents. I have had few friends, and none that lasted. I have had no relationships. I am isolated and afraid. I do not think I am going to last much longer like this, without falling apart. I have been depressed since I learned what sexual abuse was. it is isolating, to hear someone prattle on about something you know from experience, and warn against it like you have a choice about whether to be abused. To look around the room, and see frightened, amused, or curious faces, but not see anyone else looking around. No one else that might be wondering if they are the only ones that already experienced this. I do not want to get into my bad behaviors, just know they are destructive and ruining my life. And escalating. I feel like there is a part of me that is trying to break free, and it is dangerous. it is caused very dangerous situations in my life. it is all been so much worse, since last year. My mom died, and despite everything, I still loved her. I was the only one present when she died. I saw her face, and watched life leave her eyes. I am haunted to this day by that picture. Is there anything I can do? I am so scared and alone. I try to talk to people, and it always ends horribly. Nobody can understand me, or if they do, all they have is pity. I bring everyone down. I just want to be ok again. I miss having dreams for the future. Right now, my only dream is that there is an end to the suffering. Spiraling depression and bad behavior. cannot seem to muster the will to end it. I am feeling kind of lost and broken. Could really use some support",Depression +21481,"I just want to fucking die. I would literally take any chance at this point, burn me alive I do not care. I just want to stop this fucking pain that is fucking life. I just want to die why is it so hard? Why?",Suicidal +21482,20s is fucking despairing. I am fucking in despair. I hate my parents,Depression +21483,"I do not understand life. I look at happy people and I feel so jealous that their brains work the way they are supposed to. I understand why people who have experienced trauma can have debilitating psychological issues, my girlfriend is one of them so I can understand and empathize with her. But I am just a normal person, I have no trauma to trigger mental illness, nothing I can point to anyways, yeah my dad left me as a child, but I do not remember him. I have had alopecia since I was 7 and it has affected my social development, and of course this affected me negatively but of all the hardships I could have faced, I have it good. Yet I have been depressed as long as I can remember, my social anxiety is off the charts, I am an incompetent person, I am incapable of living a normal life, I cannot handle my responsibilities and obligations, I live like a child who expects people to clean after him and as a result my house is a mess (despite the fact that I think of myself as a neat freak and despise my living conditions) Financially I am a mess, I choose drugs and online shopping over my bills. I cannot maintain a relationship without letting my mental health affect and drag it down. I will not commit to working towards the career I dream of. I first thought about taking my life when I was in grade 3, to me it is normal to think about suicide, but when I step back and look at it, that is insane, Why would a young child want to die? What is wrong with me? and to anyone who can relate to this, what the hell is wrong with us? Why do not we possess the basic drive to live and succeed? If you read my post history you will see that I was broken up with by my fianc (whom I was with for 8 years) so it may look like I just fell into depression after that but I can assure you this has been hiding under the surface the whole time, she was a convenient crutch that I used ton hide my illness. I recently found a suicide note I wrote 2 years ago, when I was supposedly happily engaged and looking forward to my whole life. I have kind of gone on a tangent here, but back to my original point. What the hell is wrong with us? why do our brains want to kill us? I am 25 and I am supposed to be taking the world by storm and making a name and life for myself but instead I stagnate, I do nothing of value and I sleep all the time and hope that one day I just do not wake up. it is just not fair and I do not understand it. I would love to be normal for once in my life, but no. I have to have ridiculous overreactions and emotional breakdowns over things that everyone is supposed to just deal with. I despise myself even though the logical side of my brain tells me I am worthy and valuable. I know this cannot even be answered but I felt like ranting. Comment here and tell me your story, all the nitty gritty bullshit, I will read it, I will listen, And if you want, I will talk to you, I will take your pain and suffering on my shoulders, the only thing I ever feel good about is listening to others, it helps me feel less alone, because it seems like all we have is each other and I think maybe the best some of us can do is just be there for others who we can relate to Why are some of us just broken? (TW Suicide, Drugs)",Depression +21484,"I wish I could be the ""life is meaningless so I can do what I want"" type of person and not the ""life is meaningless so I want to die"" person, but I just do not want to live anymore, I am tired of being alive, it is so much work to just stay alive and I do not want to.I know, I am just under 17, you all are going to say ""you have so much to live for"", but what? A lifetime of adult responsibilities? Pressure not to be the failure I am going to end up? I was always the ""gifted kid"" when I was little, I never had to put any effort into school, so now I have such a shitty work ethic that fucking washing the dishes to too much effort for me to be bothered to put in. I have one real friend, but they are 3 years older than me, live 400 miles away, and I have never actually met them. I am repulsive, nobody wants to be friends with me, and I do not blame them. I am cynical, nihilistic, impatient, self-absorbed, self-destructive, narrow-minded, absent-minded, stubborn as fuck, argumentative, clingy, insecure, paranoid, lazy, short-tempered, unintelligent, and indecisive. I am never going to have friends, and my aspirations for the future heavily rely on having a network of friends. So yeah, I am going to fail, I am going to be the burnout gifted kid.So what do I have to live for? Nothing; my life is just going to end up being disappointment, loneliness, and misery. I just wish I had the guts to actually off myself and not just sit here and bitch about my problems to internet strangers who could not care less. I am Tired of Living",Suicidal +21485,"""what is the point of anything? I might as well just end it already"" is a common thought I have. I guess after all that stress, my mind just gave up and I have stopped caring about anything. I have become so apathetic to life. Everything feels completely meaningless.",Suicidal +21486,"I have been stuck for a long time because I just cannot see how I can get better when I will never get closure or justice. The people who hurt me are never going to acknowledge what they did, they believe they are good people and everyone agrees with them. How to I just accept the unfairness of it all? how do I just let it go? How do I move forward without closure and justice?",Depression +21487,I have no friends... It sucks I see others who have so many people and I got nothing and no one... I have I think some sort of social disability at this point there is no other way to explain it. I just do not know why I cannot be normal like everyone else and have friends.. I have no friends and it sucks,Depression +21488,"i woke up some time ago just to think maybe today i should finally kill myself. i think that everyday just not immediately when i wake up. I am getting more scared each day. what if i will not be able to handle the pain anymore, and i finally off myself. I am just so fucking confused because part of me wants to live but the other part wishes i was never born. suicide was the first thing i thought of today",Suicidal +21489,I almost killed myself last night. Then I almost cut myself again. Then I was lonley. No one cares for me. They hate me as I tag along with them sticking to them like glue. Everyone I meet quickly starts to dislike me and distances thenselves from me. I cannot do anything about it. The only way I can change my personality is if I am quiet and shy. And they still hate me because sometimes the old me comes back. Its bullshit. I hate me I almost jumped in front of a car last night,Suicidal +21490,"Hi, I am in my early 20s right now and when i was a teen and up to recently i was depressed and borderline suicidal but i never told anyone because I was scared and internalize every negative feeling I get (which I am currently working on). The past year or so I have found an amazing friend group online that I love and I have been dating one of them for quite a while now but I have an issue. They keep making edgy jokes about suicide. I do not mind the jokes themselves since its just them being edgy but sometimes it gets a lot for me when the joke is just ""hey (name) you should go kill yourself or something!"" 20 times in a minute. As I mentioned, I am no longer suicidal but i definitely have had moments the past couple of months where I have been overwhelmed with sadness and wanted to die. Either way, my main issue is that the person who does this the most is my partner who i absolutely love so much and at this point jokes like that can ruin my day and give me extremely much anxiety but I am terrified of telling him because I do not want to either ruin his fun or want him to act all different with me. I know he will not be mad at me or anything but I am mostly scared that this is something that could completely change our relationship since I would become like an emotional baggage (and he already has enough of that)...I have mentioned to him before that I sometimes deal with a lot of anxiety and I used to be really bad with it but never anything else. How could i possibly tell him all of this???? Should i just try my best to ignore it all or leave our chat when it goes on?? How do i tell someone I have been suicidal in the past?",Suicidal +21491,Yes now lemme do self- oof I are not got no supporters i want to die now,Depression +21492,"Sorry I do not know if this qualifies as request personal support but please let me know if anything is wrong. I have had severe acne for the last 2 (almost 3) years now. By this I mean I had large, inflamed blind pimples over my face. It just started when I was 14 and got worse and worse. I looked absolutely disgusting and the pain was even worse than the looks people gave me. I went from doctor to doctor but all they did was give me generic medication that did nothing. I eventually went to a dermatologist and all he did was inject my face with this stuff that was supposed to help but it just made it hurt more. I had these medications which were supposed to be strong but just made me extremely depressed, more than I already was. The cherry on top is I moved into homeschooling and the people I thought were my friends just never messaged me to ask where I was or what happened. Idk maybe its selfish of me to think that. My acne has gotten a lot better recently however I still have scarring and I occasionally will get the large ones. I owe all of my recent progress to my amazing mother who has helped me through everything we have faced. I wish I did not have to feel so irritated by my face because I feel bad for being so negative around such an incredible person. Anyways I have rambled on for too long. I know my story is not nearly as bad as the things that I have seen on here but I just wanted to express my feelings. Thank you to anyone who has read this, I wish you all the best in your life. Just wanted to get this off my chest",Depression +21493,I do not want to be alive. I should just do it. I am just going to hang myself while listening to music. Hope it will be less painful. Hopeless to be alive,Suicidal +21494,"Why am I alive? I asked myself, And for a second I could not think of anything.But then I realised even though I just turned 21, I have lived a life full of stories.Stories..some makes you smile, some just makes you want to scream your heart out. And to be honest, it would make hell of a book or a movie script.To tell these stories one day, I must live.I must live to tell little girls, they are not alone. I must live to let go of all these secrets one day.I must live to get the justice I deserve.I must live to sleep without crying one day.I must live to live a life I want.So, next time whenever Ill ask myself why am I alive..Ill know the answer too Why am I alive? I asked..",Depression +21495,"Guess your dreams always end.They do not rise up just descend,But I do not care anymore,I have lost the will to want more,I am not afraid not at all,I watch them all as they fall,But I remember when we were young.Joy Division, ""Insight"" My suicide note",Depression +21496,"I feel so alone and just my heart's breaking. I do not really have friends. The only person I really trust with talking out is my boyfriend. I have been diagnosed with OCD and am experiencing some symptoms of depression. I think about suicide daily just because of my intrusive thoughts. I am going to contact a psychiatrist tomorrow, but I still have to live through today. I cannot stop crying. My boyfriend currently requires his alone time and I am severely worried about him because this is basically the first time he has done that. But without him all I really have left is just my bed, my computer and random people online. I have been trying to go to different subreddits or facebook groups trying to find a place I can genuinely ask for help in and just I am starting to give up and think that I am not going to find someone to talk to.I have been eating less and less because that is one way I because suffering on myself. My intrusive self-harm thoughts are continuously there. I have quite a few problems and I really just want to talk to someone about this but I lack the courage to start talking about it. I just want someone besides my boyfriend to actually care, someone to talk about my problems with and also help the other person. But it just seems so hard to even start trusting someone because it does not seem like they care - they do not persist or just leave it at 'I am not okay but Ill be fine'.Life is just currently plummeting down for me and I honestly need some reassurance and care from anyone, even strangers online. Please help",Suicidal +21497,"Every texts from friends, potential relationships, family, literally everyone. But i feel lonely and i know interaction might help but its like i cannot be bothered? I am not sure, its weird. But i also overshare unimportant shits about my life on social media (instagrams story) yet i ignore everyone. My friends must think I am weird af lol I feel lonely but i ignore everyone",Depression +21498,Been depressed for too long. Like 10-11 years. All meds make it worse and I am on awful med withdrawal rn. I will never have any relationship in my life because depression kills my brain and any interesting part of me. Ill probably die a virgin too. I am so bored of EVERYTHING I seriously want to be gone. Why cannot euthanasia be legal. Its not fair for me to live like this. Life is constant suffering. I am too scared of death to do it and I have failed suicide but damn I want to be gone Really just want to die,Depression +21499,"My life has been slowly going downhill for 3 months. i got fucking screwed by my job and now i only have 10 after working for a month to only make rent, got hit with rent and bill increases and now supposedly have stress induced depression. My therapist(who i now cannot afford anymore) has suggested i get sleeping pills and antidepressants ontop of my pcos pills but I am soo scared of the anti depressants; I do not want to be (no offence to anyone) a robot which sounds horrible but I am soo scared that everything will become dull but right now is not much better. I want a hug but my mum is 250 miles away and keeps sending live, laugh, love quotes.I had to withdraw a application for a job today because they wanted 3 massive 8 hour tasks to be completed before they even selected you for an interview and even though the money is good on top of already having 2 jobs to eat and manage to get to work, all i want to do is sleep all day. Its hard not to blame myself, i feel soo fucking dumb .I am always soooo fucking tired. i wake up at like 4am just because and cannot go back to sleep ever. My flatmate has come to ask me to do more of the chores and I have now burst out into tears (pathetically) because I am soo tired to do all of them, I also ate his food because I am always soo hungry but then full after eating 2 meals. I cannot live a normal life, eat or cook or do anything other than work and watch anime just because I am soo broke and tired all the time.I have had mental issues in the past and it felt like no one believed me or did anything because i was not long term or severe enough. Its hard to even listen to my therapist saying I am depressed.so my question is; how did it feel to be on antidepressants? can i go back to the way i was before? will everything feel just fine? will my doctor believe me? Also, can i have a hug? I do not know what to do",Depression +21500,"Cat walked across the road? Must be the universe trying to save you. Dropped your keys? Must be a sign it is time to end things. it is a constant rollercoaster for me, and I really wish the end of the ride is somewhere high, but that is not usually how rollercoasters go. Being suicidal divides everything in your life into two groups things are either trying to kill you or trying to save you",Suicidal +21501,Analysis paralysis is real. Is anyone like this? I am already in such a dark place and this constant ruminating over the past I cannot even describe how heavy this is for me. Has anyone managed this? Or something. What is/has been your experience with ruminating? It leaves me paralyzed and panicking I do not know I wish it would all stop. Its like time travel would be the only way to fix this. I cannot stop ruminating,Depression +21502,"I cannot shake this feeling that my friend is using me to buy them things? I told them I already spent a gargantuan amount of money on my new car, a game for them, and some other essentials I need (such as meds etc., etc.,). Not to mention some other expensive things I have bought for them in the past. But they kept dismissing me saying Ill have the money by the holidays, when I tried to say no. They also said (and I am do not know if they were joking) that I cannot disappoint them this year. They also have not been on their medication lately so their playful insults come at me more often. Which honestly triggered my depression enough to contemplate well.... you know..I really do not know what to do.... I feel like my friend is using me for materialistic items and money...",Depression +21503,Sort of the halfway of things. no intention of keeping anything. only the truly unexpected can rewrite. No immediate danger a late,Suicidal +21504,"**TW: eating disorders, sexual abuse/rape, alcohol**Sorry about the long life-story post.My parents got divorced before I started primary school, father had alcohol issues and was beating my mother; she was cheating on him. Then me and my sister were raised by our mentally ill mother who finally got diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 17. Grew up in an overcrowded flat where my mother and his boyfriend lived their hedonistic life (listening to loud rock music, drinking beer, having lots of sex), not letting us sleep on school days, leaving us sleep-deprived as children and also traumatised as our room with my sister was a pass-through one. She could not keep a job and spent all her money on cigarettes and bought cheap candy for us to compensate for being a bad parent, she almost never cooked for us. My sister and I got fat. I was heavily bullied at school and was always a loner. I developed anorexia at 14 and was struggling with that until the age of 18, my lowest being 38 kgs. I was hospitalised as well.I was raped and sexually, emotionally abused at age 15 by a 60+ drama club teacher where which my mother failed to notice even though I was staying at the club until midnight some days. When I was 18, mum had two suicide attempts, for one of them I was the one who intervened and called the ambulance. She had been in and out of hospital before then, I was spending my teenage summers visiting her in hospital. Then I developed an unhealthy obsession with one of my teachers who was narcissistic and crossing my boundaries all the time (the relationship was non-sexual, non-romantic, but full of tension), manipulating me and making me feel so little compared to him. This lasted for years.I wanted to escape abroad and got accepted to university there as I was doing exceptionally well in academics despite my struggles. However, my unresolved traumas were haunting me, I developed binge eating and gained 20kgs in one year, I was also spending excessively, more money than I had. I dropped out and returned home, admitted myself to mental hospital for 6 months. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Now I live temporarily with my dad and I am unemployed and shattered, I want to go back abroad where my sister lives but might not be able to due to immigration rules (I am waiting for my results now, whether I can go back or not).I have now cut contact with my former teacher and I only used to have friends through him therefore now I have no friends. The only person I can rely on is my sister(emotionally) and my dad(financially). I see absolutely no joy in life. I am like an empty she will. I cannot choose a career as I do not think I could succeed in anything despite my excellent grades. I cannot take big responsibilities, for example, I cannot be a nurse. Yes, I KNOW THE WORLD NEEDS DOCTORS, but fucking hell, I would be one if I had the mental endurance. I was the mental health nurse for my frickin' mother as a child/teenager for years, so no thank you. However, I generally have a huge need for being engaged intellectually, this sucks when you realise that highly intellectual jobs usually come with huge responsibility. I am also pretty creative (writing, panting etc.) but all of us know that is of no use in the real world. I cannot afford to take risks as I have no money, I cannot afford to drop out again, I have actually dropped out of two unis now so if I start something it has to be a thing I can actually finish. So yeah, the last month or so I have been contemplating ending it all. I have virtually no reason to live. I do not want children - do not want to commit the irreversible mistake my mum made (having me). Life is nothing but torture for me. Pure pain, devoid of the slightest feeling of happiness. Never been in a relationship, even my first kiss was a non-consensual one from my abuser, how cute! (: (.....it is not). The world is a horrible place overall. I want no more of this please... Still, I cannot actually do it. it is because of my sister I think, with whom I still share a bond, even though she is far away. My whole life has been nothing but suffering",Suicidal +21505,"I really feel like nobody is really interested in the things I do. I feel like my life is just a straight road with nobody by my side. My favorite hobby is growing plants but recently it is so bland to me I do not find it interesting anymore,nobody gives me conversation anymore and all I do the whole day is lay in my bed being so dead. I have this heavy feeling all over my body and I really hate it,my mind is full of grey and all I want to do is cry,cry and fucking cry. I miss feeling appreciated,at this point I am so convinced nobody will even bother to pitch at my funeral. I miss the old me who had so many caring friends and my family actually laughed at my stupid jokes. All I do nowadays is argue and debate with them,I want to feel loved so bad. Why am I like this? I feel everything I do is so useless.",Depression +21506,"I could improve myself in quite a few ways, but it would be like polishing a turd, because I still would not be good enough. Maybe I would go from a 2 to a 3. I am not good enough for anyone - not for friends and certainly not for a partner. Why pick up hobbies? I do not feel like I deserve to smile. Why should such an ugly thing like me smile? I do not have any talent, but it would be silly if I did. I cannot create anything, because I hate myself and I am ugly, and creating something beautiful would be ironic and would feel like a lie. I am in my early 20s and I am beginning to bald on the top of my head. If God is real, he has a cruel sense of humor. let us just add that on to how messed up I am already, thanks. I feel envious of people who effortlessly obtain friendships and relationships. People who have the time of their lives partying, hanging out with friends, hooking up.... Things I have never gotten to do. I see everyone all around me feeling good, feeling happy, having fun... and I am just here, feeling shameful about who I am and likely to never experience anything close to what they have on the daily. I wish I could experience it all just once, so I can move on and be done with it. I do not want to keep missing out. I want life to stop laughing at me. I do not know what to do. Even if I do improve I am still never going to be good enough for anyone. Ugly, talentless, and stupid. My receding hair is like a clock ticking until I become a truly lost because anyway. I am bi, so I get to be rejected by absolutely everyone on sight. I wish things would get better. Or that I can wake up one day and no longer care that I am always going to be alone. Apologies for wasting your time, writing this felt therapeutic. Not good enough.",Depression +21507,"I tried to ask for leniency from my instructor, even offering to provide a psychiatric memo to help me explain my poor performance during my internship, but she just told me to be resilient and stop finding excuses out of my errors. she failed my internship. now I have to repeat the whole thing. I have to postpone my suicide plans yet again. I almost jumped out of my window yesterday after recieving the bad news that I have to go through hell again just because I made an honest mistake when I was depressed and not thinking straight. I wish I did. it is starting tomorrow. the elitist world is killing me",Suicidal +21508,I have got 8 cans of red bull and six cans of beer and cigarettes and a bottle of sleeping pills I am going to do all of them and I am going to fuck up my body to the point of no return I think tonight is going to be the night,Depression +21509,"Hello fellow sufferer. This year hit hard, it is not the first time I am struggling in my life but this lockdown and isolation stuff has knocked me out and off my path.Not only am I lost. I cannot sleep anymore. If I go to bed at night, I can fall asleep perfectly fine but my sleep is light and I wake up after several hours exhausted and tiered. My days are filled with tiredness and I have little to no energy. Getting my life together will take a while but I really need to sleep in order to get my life together. I already tried melatonin (+ valerian + hop) 1-3mg at night which helps getting sleepy, but not sleeping through the whole night. Hesitant to take SSRI and/or benzos though. Any tips are highly appreciated! Please help: How to fight insomia?",Depression +21510,"The pandemic has completely destroyed my will to live. I have lost interest in everything that I used to like and now actively hate a lot of them. I moved to a new city and have no friends. I have not seen anyone other than my parents in 16 months. I do not have any close friends who I can talk about my feelings to. I have a terrible relationship with my parents. They do not care that I am sad. I tried telling them about my feelings, I cried to them. My mom brushed them off and my dad threatened to beat me up in front of all my classmates. I feel left out of everything. My friends are making plans, hanging out, playing games. I am here struggling through a mountain of workload and suffocating. Toiling through 10 hrs of online classes everyday trying to keep my sanity safe. Everyone I have talked to reacts negatively whenever i try to talk about my feelings. My closest friend accused me of using them after I confessed to them that I am suicidal. I have no motivation to do or learn anything. There is no interest for anything left in me anymore. Everyone tells me that I am to blame for my problems. No one knows what I am going through. No one cares. My friends tell me that I have become bitter. I hate myself so much. I just want to die somehow. I do not want to kill myself. I am too scared to. Thousands of people die everyday, why cannot I be one of them? I feel so lonely. A lot of times I have dreams where I meet and hang out with people I love. I am so happy in them. Then I wake up and I am hit with reality that I will not ever be able to meet them again. I hate being alone.I do not think I have depression. I just wanted to post this somewhere because no fucking person is willing to listen and I am so sick of it. I hate it so much. I will get judged hard if I ever tell my feelings to anyone. it is ok if no one can help. I just wanted to speak out. I do not know what is happening. I just want to talk.",Depression +21511,Iv been trying to find a reason to live i cannot find one i really cannot i just i just want to kill myself i cannot live i cannot. I have scars on wrists all i have to do is re open them that is all have to do all i have to do. I JUST cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE. IF I do not FEEL BETTER IN 3 WEEKS I am KILLING MYSELF LET ME DIE,Suicidal +21512,"I am going through what is arguably the worst pain I have ever felt, and it feels like nobody gives a shit. It feels like everyone thinks I am playing it up, or that I am just using it like some excuse. It hurts so bad... I just want someone to tell me they understand or that things are going to be alright.The only comfort I find lately are in the darkest thoughts that force their way in. Never felt more alone than now.",Suicidal +21513,"I am not sure anyone is going to read this, and I do not really care. This is just a box of text shouting into the void, which is the only reason I am writing here at all. I keep people in love, I see really sweet romantic relationships on TV, and I just. It breaks my heart in a bittersweet way that underneath the warmth and happiness I feel when I see that is the cold reminder that it will never happen to me. And people always say ""oh but you are not ugly, oh but you are not annoying"" and like sure I am not objectively, because there is no objective measurements of those things. But I am overweight and have ADHD, statistically, it is more likely that people are going to find me unattractive and annoying than not. And statistically, there is a very realistic chance that I just never meet anyone who loves me for who I am romantically because I am too fat or too overwhelming or something else entirely. But what about platonic relationships? Even if no one ever falls in love with me, surely I will still have plenty of friends, right? Well. I do not know. Isolation has done a number on me, and on my ability to form and maintain meaningful relationships. I do not talk to my friends anymore. I do not feel comfortable being vulnerable with people anymore, where I was once an open book. I miss having friends I could not stop talking to. I miss being open and genuine about my feelings. And yeah sure, it is highly likely that these things will go away in the fall once I am back on campus, but here is the thing chief: I do not live in the future. I do not experience the future. I experience and live right now. And each ""right now"" I have been in for the last almost two years has felt pretty mediocre, ngl Feel like my ability to form and maintain healthy relationships is breaking down",Depression +21514,"Title is pretty cliche but still, I spend all day living in my head. I have no friends, i hate my family especially my mother. Feels like all the energy is constantly sapped from me. I am fat and my mother will not stop until i look like a twig. Its all so tiring and i just want a quick escape so i do not have to deal with this crap anymore. Welp, time to start another day. Just want it all the stop",Suicidal +21515,Idk what to do I have not been paying attention and its really messing with my mental health. I lie to my parents and say works going fine but its not the truth. I got into a fight a while back in grade 10 decided to leave school. I just feel anxious all the time but I want to do better I am about to fail high school,Suicidal +21516,If aliens do not take me away I am going to take it myself 7 more days,Suicidal +21517,Why even bother? Since I am too depressed for people to like me. And I cannot just stop it. My boyfriend dumped me. He just wanted an easy and funny chick and got a human with emotions who wanted to commit. This story happened to me three times. I know it will happen again and again if i will not kill myself now. I will be alone forever,Suicidal +21518,"22 yeara old, no job (rejected me, all of them), somehow has a gf, tomorrow one year together and i wonder is it all worth it. I hate my life butlove this girl. Sometimes I do not know if she still does. I got my way to get me of this world right now but did not do it because of her. On the side I run a YT channel with 23K subs yet I still feel useless and worthless. I did all and everything I can for others, the most and best possible, I never gave a crap bout myself. Why even? I do not matter and people show it to me too. I avoid speaking about it all because it is a time waster. There is no need to talk anyways, I suffer long enough already so why not continue? I just cannot anymore, I just do not want to anymore but no one of them knows it yet. They know I feel bad sometimes and that I do not like to talk about it. But they do not know that I am no hesitant to take my life. Basically i only exist because I ket them use me.... that use what it feels like... Unsure how to look at all",Depression +21519,i wish i was as pretty as the patterns on my thighs. desire.,Suicidal +21520,"Ever thought about it or even tried it?The problem with drug induced suicidr attempts is: if you do not pull the trigger all at once, you ""risk"" being so high and feeling good that you will not proceed with taking more to Finally die.that is what i think is the biggest problem with drug induced suicide. You cannot just.take a bit to ease the anxiety because when that bit kicks in, you may risk feeling to good to try to suicide Anyone ever tried to commit suicide with opiates?",Suicidal +21521,"on the surface, i do not have any reason for suicidal thoughts, and maybe people would think I am ungrateful but really, what is all this struggle about? i mean i have friends that support me. i have a family which is financially not good but always has my back. shit, I am only 20 years old. my grades are not very good but I am in a college which is quite good among the other colleges in my country. but why am i having these difficulties for a future? i do not want to give birth, i do not want a family, I am not ambitious about my career, i do not have any kind of passion for life, i do not have anything to look forward to. so why? why should i keep feeling these burdens when i can just end it? if i knew my family would not be devastated, i would just end my life in the blink of an eye. with no hesitation what are all these struggles about?",Suicidal +21522,"There are so many things I want to type it all out, to friends, to this subreddit, to the one I loved the most.&#x200B;But I am scared, I have experienced too many betrayals, too many false accusements, too many self-hatred. no, far more than ""self-hatred"".&#x200B;Everything hurts. but I cannot spill out my feelings, not ""do not want to"", I physically could not. I can only tell you that I am not doing fine, but I cannot do anything else.I want to tell you how fucked up the social media see depression and any other mental illness can just ""talk it out"", I want to tell you how shame, guilt, loss, hated, despair, a suffocating feeling, rage, suicidal thought. all those thoughts, becoming a black ""STUFF"" stuck on my chest, eating my hands, eating my legs, eating my brain. years and years and years and years and year and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and lights and pain and knives and walls and thoughts and memories and could not escape and pain and could not run away and could not be happy and so so so so that I want to die.&#x200B;&#x200B;Please just say you trust me, please let me feel safe. I just need someone to say that they trust me.",Suicidal +21523,"All of my friends are rapidly progressing further in life than I probably ever will, truth be told. Some are looking into buying houses, most have great, high-paying jobs and I am still working at this bullshit ass job making $12 an hour (yes, I get paid less than a Wal-Mart employee), because I could not find anything after college other than bullshit sales jobs, customer service, or fast food jobs. I neurotically fixed my resume I do not know how many times and finally had to settle on this job, which is essentially a ""cattle"" job - where they simply hire warm bodies. I might be one of the few in my department with a degree. Relationships? Fucking forget it. Why would a girl want to be with a loser like myself? I have never had one because I am too socially awkward to even make eye contact (anyone really, not just women), still work at this bullshit ass job after college making no money, I have no passions, hobbies, nothing to offer at all. I thought this would have all just magically disappeared as I got older, but I am even more pathetic than what I was when I was 18. Weekends are a joke. Everyone my age is having fun, traveling, being young and mine typically consist of me drinking solo, browsing the internet, arguing with my mom about money or some other useless bullshit, and maybe playing some bullshit video game. All of my friends are moving ahead, doing great things and I cannot even get some dipshit recruiter to look at my resume. And lastly, fuck the holidays sideways. it is just my mom, dad and I (they have been divorced since I was in grade school). Truth be told, it is depressing and miserable. My mom's relatives have never made the attempt to give a shit about us, cannot remember the last time I actually saw any of them or much less talked to them over the phone. Sure, they live across the country, but the last time we saw them was in 2008, and they have never kept in contact with us since or vice versa. All of my grandparents are dead. My mom is typically depressed during the holidays and misses her family, etc, so she is never a lot of fun to be around (which is understandable). My dad does not seem to give a shit about the holidays either way at this point. I see my dad's side from to time, but it is typically just my aunt and/or uncle. it is just recently dawned on me knowing I will never experience those big, warm happy family dinners and laughing, having fun, whatever else. Just fuck everything at this point. Honestly, cannot remember the last time I genuinely laughed and had fun.",Depression +21524,"I find it hard to talk about this if I am honest and I do not want to just rant if I can help it. But I am at a point where I just feel worthless, I feel like my existence does not contribute in any way. I am 30 and still do not know what I am doing with my life. I have lost jobs and friends and feel completely alone.Truth is I just want to die. But I have had trouble committing to it. I attempted it once, but now lately I have been sort of reckless.Drinking, crossing the road without looking and other what others would consider reckless stupidity. But I cannot help it.I just do not want to be here.I am done. I just do not want to be here.",Suicidal +21525,"I never expected to make it this far for so long all I have had on my mind is I am going to do it I will take myself out that now I have made it this far i feel lost like I have got no path no direction because for so long death was what i had planned for myself but I have never been able to do it but in my head I have done it countless times over each a different scenario each a different method, I have been like this far awhile and every year that passes the thoughts do not stop I just find another excuse ""but they will miss me"" comes to mind a lot but then when I think about it more the only thing they will miss is being able to make me the front of all their inside jokes or hushed whispers. I think a lot of the reason of having not attempted it yet does not stem from fear but more just never having the space to do so just a little ramble vent type situation",Depression +21526,I genuinely do not know if I can keep myself safe but I went to the hospital and they did not admit me so I do not know what options I have left do not know what to do,Suicidal +21527,I wish I grew up having healthier relationships. I hope that at least my death will be peaceful if my life was not.,Depression +21528,"I am (27 F) miserable in my degree, internship and I am going through a breakup on top of it all. No friends. Family lives abroad. I keep waking up throughout the night feeling distraught. I think I am ready to die. I am so miserable I want to die",Suicidal +21529,"Basically the title but a little background story for context.So it all probably started in middle school when I was bullied in school and developed severe anxiety, social anxiety and just a general feelings of worthlessness and inferiority. Then I went on to high school and I was bullied again so I decided to transfer because I believed it would be different but it was not so I transferred again a year later, again thinking it would be different but I was bullied again. But all the transferring caused me to finish high school 2 years later (because where I live - in Europe - if you transfer you have to start as a freshman again). So I graduated 2 years later - last year at 21 and started college but I got covid during my exam season and I was sick for 2ish months I could not get out of bed and I was not able to study for any of my exams so I just dropped out. I have been feeling really depressed ever since so I applied to a different college and Ill be starting in fall but Ill be 23 then. It did not really matter to me that much before but now that I have been seeing many people my age graduating lately, it kind of hit me that my peers are graduating and Ill only be starting now. It made me feel even more like a failure than before. I keep blaming and hating myself for transferring so many times in high school and for dropping out of college and everything. Why do I keep making all these stupid decisions??!! Now I am going to have to be in class with 18 year olds and Ill feel like the odd weird old one. :( I am considering not even going and just giving up on everything completely at this point. :( But I also feel like that might make me feel even more like a failure so idk what is worse. :( Damn I wish I could just go back in time and never make those stupid life choices. :( I am starting college at 23 and I feel like a complete failure.",Depression +21530,"In 2020,covid happened. Living a third world country and everything is already shit. The country fell into recession. Everyone literally had no job. Then,2021 came it. Covid almost gone in country. Everything started to get better. But in February,coup happened. The country is getting a little bit up from recession and coup dragged us down back. Everyone is dying everyday. Everyday is just pure depression. And about a week ago, covid third wave happened which is alot stronger than previous waves. People dying from running out of oxygen. So,we have to buy oxygen tanks. And then,military took over almost every oxygen tank and mask manufacturers and stop manufacturing. There is no hope. I do not even how I will die. From military or covid? I hope some powerful country just nuke us and die within a second without feeling anything. I wish I could just die painlessly and peacefully.",Depression +21531,"Hey so idrk where to start but I am a 16 year old girl and recently have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety which all started when I began my accutane course. But it basically started when I went on the pill, rhat gave me acne, so I went on accutane instead. I have not felt happiness since about February this year. Its currently Mid July. I used to be beautiful before all these drugs fucked me up. I am super sensitive to medication and I was on erythromycin, accutane, prednisone (a steroid) and the pill. Now I am off everhthing and just on minocycline to control the acne. But accutane has left me with crazy side effects like extreme facial swelling and bloating I look so fucking ugly and people have been commented on it, calling me a catfish and looking at me like I am some disgusting piece of filth, the ugliest thing they have ever seen, shocked that I have had the biggest glow down ever. Anyways, I have had enough, I have been waiting for the depression to get better it has not, for my face to return to normal it has not abs I have no hope that my face ever will return to normal. So I am giving it another week, and if I am not better by then I am killing myself. I do have a wonderful life in terms of family and some close friends, but I cannot live with this depression any longer. I give up. Its weak I know. Ill probably just jump off a cliff or overdose (this one seems easier ). Does anyone want to give me some advice on ANYHING before I go, because I really think its over for me . I really really want to kill myself but I do not know when or if I will find the guts to",Suicidal +21532,"Wat do? I keep getting worse, I am at an all time low despite having felt like this for a few years now. I tried messaging some ""friends"" (really just people i went to school with, i do not have any actual friends) My family imploded earlier this year so that is out of the picture. i am hearing and seeing this now recently, i cannot tell if they are real or if i am imagining them. I do not want to get help because ill just get drugged up on zombie pills best case scenario and worse case scenario i get thrown into the psych center. Why do i feel like this? I have not had anything life changing happen to me like some other people who have had traumatic experiences. My life up until a few years ago was quite ideal. Good family, money was plentiful, grades were amazing, nothing to worry about. Why? I should not be feeling this way. I do not have the right, nothing wrong happened with me. Why Well uh, i finished *the* note",Suicidal +21533,"I do not want to do anything, no one likes me and nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel like I just exist at the expense of others. I do not have a job, my mum pays for pretty much everything I have and I am pretty sure she does not want me in her life anymore. I am too autistic to talk to people and make meaningful friendships and I know for a fact that nobody will ever love me. I just want to stop existing or get a terminal disease so I do not have to worry about the future anymore. I do not want to just browse the internet for the rest of my life like I already do. I just want to stop existing, for the sake of myself and everyone who knows me. I do not see myself living past 18",Depression +21534,"God, let me be brave. Let me go away. I had enough for a lifetime.I cannot hold anymore. I was strong for a long time. She will never stop haunting me, stealing my sanity. She abused me psychological and physical all my life when I finally escaped she hunted me back. Please god. please. I cannot hold no more. Let me be brave this time. I am at the hotel now",Suicidal +21535,"I crashed so bad, I felt fucked up last night, woke up still feeling fucked up. I wish I cpuld just go back to sleep n stay asleep. I do not want to move or feel anything. I do not want to think I just want to be unconscious. I have been thinking about cutting again so much, I just cannot find any razor blades, n I normally do not ask for help in these post but idk what the fuck is going on rn. I feel so detached from those around me abd its not for lack of tryjng for a bettee outcome, I feel no sense of anything about my future, I would really just rather be dead at this point, really just fuck this, I do not want this anymore. I was doing fine, until I was not",Suicidal +21536,"Things I used to find fun just feel like a chore to do, and boring. I find it exhausting to even get of my seat. I have tried exercising, waking up earlier, eating healthily, meditation and so many other things but no matter what I do I just feel lethargic and even when I think about the future, I do not think Ill feel satisfied. Also, the career i want is to be a singer, but I have already tried and being a successful singer is almost impossible in this world. There is no other career i want other than being a successful singer, everything else is just un-fulfilling to me to the point that Id rather just end my life. I am starting to feel like giving up on being a singer, which means I do not want to live anymore as stupid and childish as it sounds. This is the only career I have ever wanted in my life, but its impossible. I have had a few jobs before but they made me feel like I was wasting my life and I am terrible with social interaction. Everything in my life just feels so boring and I used to have high hopes for my future and I used to be a happy person but that was like 5 years ago now. I do not know what to do Everything feels boring and the career i want seems impossible",Depression +21537,"Going bald sucks. Especially when my hair was the only thing I have ever really liked about myself. Feels like some cruel joke. I have spent my whole life being self conscious and missing out on opportunities because I felt like I was not worth it, and when I finally start liking myself, the universe takes it away. Feels like I am just not allowed to look the way I want to look, and it is the worst. All I see is my thinning hairline when I look in the mirror and how awful I am going to look without hair. I know it sounds absurd to a lot of people but my hair was such a big part of my identity, and I feel like I do not know who the hell I am now that I am losing it. Losing my hair",Depression +21538,"Hello all,This is my first post and I am in desperate need of help. I am pretty sure my boyfriend suffers from depression. We met a few months ago, everything was fine, he was funny, charming, very kind and compassionate, always motivated me and believed in my goals. He was madly in love with me and at some point I finally said ""I love you"" back and he was the happiest human being ever. We had so much fun watching movies, playing video games, listening to music and being loving and caring for each other. Talking for hours at night. At some point I felt like he was drifting away. He always had depressiv problems like he is not good enough for me, I should find someone better. Also all his former girlfriends left him for someone better. I thought okay, maybe he is hurt because of that. But yeah, he drifted away, no more kind words anymore and at some point he could not say ""I love you"" anymore. He often apologized and said he felt bad because he thinks it hurts me. He stopped texting me, he withdrawed, all I get are one word answers, I cannot really get through to him. If I ask if he wants to stay in a relationship with me he just says ""I do not know"". Its always ""I do not know."" He mentioned pretty often that he wants to die, that its decided and I cannot do anything about it. Shortly after he can do jokes again, as if he never said something hurting to me. While I am fighting back tears, he changes the topic to something fun like nothing happened. Everything escalated when he acted in a worrying way, called me and told me to let him go, he has to leave and texting me beforehand that he does not want to be here anymore. I knew he was very angry and impulsive (he also has ADHD) and I feared for his life. I called the emergency and they send over the police. I had a panic attack and acted in a desperate way. After that I got the most angry call I ever got, I was yelled at what in the hell I was thinking, he was not at risk and now his whole family knows. He said he cannot trust me anymore. After that he still reached out to me, wanted to talk but after I asked, ""talk about what?"" he responded again ""nothing"" I do not know what to do anymore, he always said he refuses any help, I begged him to maybe even consider seeking professional help. I just want to understand what he is going through. Apparently he cannot really communicate with me. I have to ask for even the slightest thing and if I ask too much its exhausting for him. I have to say I am kind of glad his family finally knows, even if I get the anger now, its okay, I take it, I was just really worried for his life. Everyone in my family says I should stay away but nobody knows how he was before. I was doubting myself, he is all charming and happy around anyone else but I get pushed away, to me he cannot talk anymore and now he is also angry at me. Like I said, I can take it, I just want him to get better.Maybe you can help me to understand him better. He told me he lost all feelings, he is at a dark place but he still reaches out to me, after all. Every day. I have to say I distanced myself a little, I spent the last weeks crying, thinking of him every day, what he is going through. Being there for him, putting myself back. But I cannot do that anymore if he refuses professional help, that will not help him and I get destroyed. He also always mentioned I should leave, I would just get hurt. He does not want me to be around anymore, even though it was his biggest wish that I would visit. He says he is not the same guy anymore and he failed me. I constantly get pushed away. Everyone else gets treated like always. And I am just the trash can for everything it seems. I am just ""there"". He cannot even talk to me anymore. &#x200B;I do not recognize my boyfriend anymore, I was thinking if he got bored of me, lost interest and just cannot break up. I told him several times, just break up with me and be honest if you are not happy with the relationship. Sometimes its ""I do not want to break up."" and the other times its always ""Idk"".&#x200B;Maybe you can suggest something or help me understand him more. Because somehow he cannot put into words what he is going through. Am I the reason here? Did I do something wrong? Should I leave him be? The only time he really talked to me was when he was angry as hell and called me stuff nobody else every called me. It was very hurtful. He does not understand my point of view, everything I did was wrong. And I do not have the right to be mad at him. When I try to talk about it its always ""I need to go now."" ""I hope you have an amazing life."" Like ?? I do not understand and I am not here so someone can play with my feelings every day. Even if he does not do it on purpose. &#x200B;I do not know how to get through to him, he seems to be at a place where I just cannot follow... Please help. I am in desperate need of help with my bf",Depression +21539,A calm comes over you when you know. All ends on the 31st,Suicidal +21540,"I am alone in the dark and i think i took too much. no music, which is an indicator of my sadness. there is usually music. but no one is answering. i think this is it. oh",Suicidal +21541,"Id rather have ups and downs than this shit. I am so boring, do not care about anything, no motivation so I am not making money as a server anymore. Fuck this I am going off my meds. I want to be myself again and not just exist on this stupid planet. I used to have a personality. Now I am just a stupid blob. Thanks for reading Meds numbing me",Depression +21542,"My family members were usually the ones who would make me feel bad about my lack of interest in personal hygiene and cleaning. My elder sister used to laugh because I did not shower too often as a kid and told me that I smell like a pig or a girl should always be clean. Why do not you wax more often? Why do not you brush your teeth? Why do you go outside with oily hair? Why is your laptop screen so dusty? I have reached a point where I do not even perceive the mess I am leaving behind anymore. A flatmate was disgusted that I do not wash the bathtub often enough and I left the toilet dirty a few times. I did not notice. I am afraid to invite anyone into my apartment because I have a feeling people will be disgusted by the mess, dust, things left lying around, dirty bathroom and so on. I hide my feet because of my calluses and non-existent pedicure. I try not to smile because I am self-conscious about it. And the list could go on. I am very ashamed and embarrassed, especially after being laughed at since I was a kid. I am not bothered by my bad habits, so I have no idea how much serious my problem is. Pretending to care about hygiene only because people would laugh at me otherwise",Depression +21543,"Is CBT therapy helpful? How it works? How many sessions? Is CBT therapy helpful for depression, Internet addiction and social anxiety?",Depression +21544,Honestly I do not know where to begin. I am shaking as I write this because I am finally admitting something to myself. I am admitting that I need help. Since high school I have been having thoughts of killing myself how I would do it where I would do it what I would say in a letter etc. I am usually a happy person on the outside but I never fit in anywhere and I still feel like I do not en though I put myself out there. My parents blew me off when I first told them how I felt and its been that way since we just do not talk about it because I am a man and men are not supposed to feel. What do you guys do when they creep in the thoughts? I want to go to a doctor and get something to help me feel better but I do not know how to handle it if I have to be medicated and how I would bring it up to my parents. Sorry for wasting yalls time. Where do I begin?,Suicidal +21545,"I wish I could share them but I fear that they will, ingrain it in their brain that I am a ""black lamb""/negative child they are going to say that they regret me, I am unlucky (forbringer of misfortune), and 2) tell to relatives Everything makes me sad. My parents contribute to it.",Suicidal +21546,"Title pretty much explains it all. I am going to have to repeat 1 or 2 more years of high school and the thought of that makes me want to slit my own fucking throat. Because of this pandemic and my lazy ass, my grades have gone completely down the toilet. I also do not have a job, or a drivers license, which is pretty fucking pathetic. And before you say it gets better in college! I am too fucking poor to get into any type of decent college. And even i was able to, id probably just end up flunking out or killing myself anyways, so it does not really matter. I have already fucked up my life at 17 and honestly i deserve it. I let it get this bad and its all just going to go downhill from here. I am a fuck up",Suicidal +21547,"Hello. On the beggining I would like to say that I am not planning to kill myself, but I am broken and I need some fresh view on the whole situation...&#x200B;On Friday I had the most important exam in my life, which I have passed, but I know for sure that it was a shame. I was defending (i am not native, so sorry for mistakes) my master thesis, where was my supervisor, dean and reviewer of my work. They asked me 3 questions from my thesis and 3 from my study. And I totally fucked up 2/3 questions from my study (from dean and reviewer) and I know that it was a shame. Finally, I passed and they told me that they heard I want to go for PhD and they wished me good luck. I was so stressed and nervous with this whole situations and I told them that after today's exam I do not know if I am going to go for PhD. After that I talked with my supervisor and he told me that, i do not know how to say it in English, but that one question was bad. But these two questions was not from my field of work. After 30 minutes supervisor texted me he has time and we can talk. I was so stressed and emotional after this exam, mostly because he saw this shame. But I texted him, 'ok, but it is a shame for me to go to him'. But I went and we talked a little. He said something about my PhD and I told him that I am not sure if I am cable of going there. He said that he will not tell me what to do, because it has to be my own decission. After that I thanked him two times and we made an appointment for a coffee. Later I texted him I am very sorry and I was emotional and stressed and if he still wants me on this PhD, I definitely want to continue work with him and thanked him again. He replied me like emoji. He is very important for me, because he had awaken my passion again after some crisis. But now I feel so shamed I feel stupid to show myself in front of his eyes because of this exam and my 'i am so stupid and not coming for phd' mood. I do not know what he thinks about it, if he undeestands this whole stress and everything. Can you tell me what to do? Should I go with him for this coffee after this...? Thank you for comments. If it is somehow important, I studied physics. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +21548,"I do not know if I make sense. I want to leave everything, just disappear for a while and not having to deal with anything. Not seeing my family and friends, no internet, nothing. Is checking into psychiatric hospital voluntarily worth it? Will it help? Would it make things worse? Can I just go into a forest and become a hermit? Are there any other ways? Like, not committing suicide, but just stop existing for a while",Suicidal +21549,"I hate that I spent so much time opening myself up to someone who does not care about me. I hate that she does not want me back. I hate that she wants to do all the things she did not want to do with me with gross dropkicks from Tinder. I hate that I put it all on the line to try again and it was all for nothing. I seriously feel like all the love and warmth in my heart has been crushed, I do not think I could ever bring myself to go through this again. cannot wait to fucking die and not be anyone elses problem anymore. Would say its been a good ride but that is a fucking joke. Sick of hating myself and feeling like shit about myself.",Depression +21550,"i drink too much, i smoke too much. i do not have a job and do not care to get one. I am tired of existing because it just seems meaningless or too hard. I am afraid of life but I am too much of a wimp to do anything. I have been on meds and in therapy but it does nothing this shit is stupid",Suicidal +21551,I am 23 and have not really been happy for as long as I can remember in high-school I was actually popular I was the only one at my school woth a brand new street bike I played football and had lots of friends but I just was never happy I would always just choose to be alone instead of going out and experiencing life and tried to commit suside 2 times before I graduated and I thought it would get better but now I am 23 I am really attractive (according to my friends) I eat well I work out a lot i have a few good friends and have a loving girlfriend of 3 years but even still I am not happy I do not know why I sit up in bed after she falls asleep and just cry myself to sleep I am starting to think there is actually something wrong with me and I am thinking about seeing a doctor to see if they can help but I know anti depressants destroy your brain and make you dependent on them to be happy... I just do not know if I should take them or not because I do not knoe what it actually takes to be happy Does it get better? Like does it really ever get better or do you have to damage your brain with chemicals to make it better?,Depression +21552,"He hanged himself in the bathroom of our grandmother's house. I found him. He was only 17 years old.He was the only person who mattered, who kept me alive. We both struggled with depression, but in the end he was the first to die. Nobody cares. My mother is an insensitive alcoholic, and I do not even know where my father is. I have not seen him in two weeks. My brother stayed with my grandmother because she is on her deathbed , she has breast cancer, and because the school year has ended he wanted to take care of her. He was the most wonderful person, the only one who understood me, my only friend.I have no reason to live. I just hope to meet him on the other side , if there is such a thing. My brother just comitted suicide and I have no reason to live",Suicidal +21553,"Why cannot I be happy, I try and try and try again.Fuckin schools not helping its only making it worse and I have to rely on other things to make me happy like smoking or doing some dumb shit Yeah ik I am not supposed to but I am really falling off and I am trying my hardest, but not rlly enoughFUCK. OFF. LIFE. GO. BOTHER. SOMONE. ELSE. YOU. DICK Why the hell does everything got to be like this",Depression +21554,"you cannot see the floor. i have almost all of our households dishes in there, so much rotting food and trash and piles of shit. my beds covered with shit too, i literally cannot do anything but kind of use my computer in there. I have all but moved downstairsi do not qant advice for cleaning it because none of it will work, its nothing i have not tried before, no pick up 1 or 2 things everday, or any of that bullshit. if it worked for you kudos and I am genuinely happy for you but I am just..incompatible with that. it really sucks. i miss having a room, i just cannot do anuthing my room is unlivable",Depression +21555,I initially wanted to pull an all-nighter to get some stuff done. After awhile I could not focus on anything. I started ruminating on the past and started thinking about how unfulfilling life is. I can never get over the fact that I am not good for anything anymore.I few hours later I feel like my existence is a waste and that things will never get better. I started looking for my boyfriends gun as that would do the job best. Eventually I get tired and sit back down. It does not help that I cannot sleep.I know a handful of people care a little about me and I would not want to burden anyone with my corpse. I feel like my best option is to plan out a way to disappear to make things easier for them.I did not start having these thoughts until it got really late. I do not understand and I do not know what to do. Does this happen to you? Does insomnia make you spiral or does spiraling give you insomnia?,Depression +21556,"I hate myself. I think I have always done that to some extent for multiple reasons.I got help half a year ago and it is already a lot better most of the time. But there is one guy in my group of friends (we are not that close) that manages to trigger that ""you are fucking worthless"" part of me every single time we go out for a drink or something. I do not really know how or why and he definitely does not do it on purpose, but he always says something that puts me into that spiral and I cannot get out for the rest of the night and the entire next day. The same thing happened last night. I went to bed at like 7 am only because I was too tired to think about anything.Now we go out Monday night again and I really do not think I can go. I really want to see my firends but if it means 24 hours of suffering afterwards I do not know if it is worth it.I have considered talking to him about it but 1. I do not think he would understand me at all and 2. The next day everyone he know will probably know what I told him What do I do? I want to go out with friends but I am scared",Depression +21557,"Its been exactly one year. 11th July 2020. I tried, failed and ended up snapping some ligaments from landing on my ankle unconscious. I have since gotten surgery to fix it and now I have a massive scar. Also I have developed arthritis and multiple slipped discs that HURT all the time. Some days its so bad that I think about killing myself just to escape the physical pain. I am really really fucking angry with myself last year. Why the FUCK did I not hide all the scissors and knives? that is how it got interrupted. My mother cut me down from the perfect hanging set up I had. Just a few more minutes and I would be AT PEACE. Guess what? Today I am 10kg heavier since that day. I still wish I was free. But NOOOOOOO I have to stay here on this bitch of an earth. I honestly see why drugs help people. Weed on occasion has helped me to calm down. But I would love to just be freed of all these worries. Being 19 and having had these thoughts since I was 6 years old, I feel like I have suffered enough. Back pain is a bitch. Without it I honestly would not still be feeling so suicidal. that is just how excruciating the physical pain is. RANT: One year since my attempt",Suicidal +21558,I cry myself to sleep every night. I drink. I self harm. I abuse drugsAll in the hope of trying to escape this piece of shit life. And it never works.I am so close killing myself. I am so close to the end,Suicidal +21559,I did something kind of fucked up the week after I turned 13 and its genuinely haunted me ever since. I am a compulsive liar and I genuinely think I deserve to die. I cannot throw away the guilt. I know no one will tell me I deserve to die but I feel deep down I do. This is not the product of mental health issues or intense emotion. I deserve it. I think I am a bad person,Suicidal +21560,If someone does not help me I am going to kill myself right now. I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +21561,my younger sister (f16) took her own life in early march of this year and I have been completely lost. she was my (f19) closest sibling and i do not know what to do without her. i have not been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night for over 2 weeks now and I am hitting an all time low. my therapist told me to reach out to an inpatient program if i think I am going to go through with it but just the thought of that makes my stomach hurt. the thought of being away from my boyfriend and my comfort place hurts and i do not really know what to do. i feel like dying would solve all my problems but now i know firsthand how it would affect everyone around me and i am struggling. I am not sure what I am doing anymore,Suicidal +21562,"I am just looking for a protectorGod never reached out in timeThere's love, that is a saviorBut that are not no love of mine My love it kills me slowlySo slowly I could die And when she sleeps She hears the blues Sees shades of black and white :')",Suicidal +21563,"So my sister is in town visiting me and my dad. she is 38 and her and her bf just bought a $500,000 house in the Denver suburbs, and all she is talked about with my dad is her renovations on her house. She knows everything I am going thru and that I am depressed and suicidal. She has not once asked me how is my life going, what I am going thru, and the problems I deal with. Its all about her life. If your life is not going all great and is not cherries and roses, people , even family, do not want to talk about you. Fuck this world and the people in it The realization that even those that seem to or are suppose to care, do not",Suicidal +21564,"I have never wanted to tell my mom I am depressed until I could prove her that clinically, because I knew she would not understand. Today she told that she is embarrassed that I am not able to take care of myself despite me making huge progress for the past week.I want to throw myself out the window. My biggest fear came true. My mom told me she is ashamed of my depression",Depression +21565,I have over a gram of Prozac saved up that I am going to take with alcohol and sleeping pills and I am hoping that that kills me. I cannot take this life anymore and I feel like I deserve this coming to me. I am overdosing tonight,Suicidal +21566,"Been feeling kind of down recently. I think its coming from uncertainty about the path I am on in life. I do not know where I want to be, and even if I did, I would not feel able to get there. I feel substantial from ny loved ones but I still feel obligated to keep up the path I am on for them. My brain feels messed up. I feel conflicted all the time in a very acute way. I have been wishing Id gone through with suicide years ago so I would not feel so much tension and anxiety now. I think my perception of reality is really really messed up. Especially my perception of other people. I take everything personally and assume its everyone against me. I am tired right now, but it is 3 AM after all. In absolute honesty I wish well on anyone else struggling with their sense of self confidence and their place in the world. Tired",Depression +21567,I am just looking for a protectorgod never reached out in timethere's love that is a saviourbut that are not no love of minemy love it kills me slowlyso slowly i could dieand when she sleeps she hears the bluesand sees shades black and white goodbye,Suicidal +21568,"Some context: I have suffered from MDD and GAD for a couple decades now, tried over a dozen different treatments with no long-term success. I have also had several sui attempts in the past, two of which lead to fibrilation and being revived in an ER. I have been in and out of psych hospitals too, and receive the multi-thousand after it which did not help me at all. After all, debt is part of my problem and costing that much also just worsens my problem. I have not been able to hold jobs for longer than a few weeks with one exception for a program that helps disabled people. Anyhow, usually at work I ended up having catatonic episodes, panic attacks, and such too frequently for any employer to keep me around. I seem to do well in school, that is if I am able to complete a semester before a panic or my mental health leads me to drop out mid-semester(has happened several times). My intelligence seems to be the only thing going for me, but my job prospects would only be there if I can get a degree really, and formal education does not seem to work even though I get straight As in times where I finish a semester. But I am 26 and my formal education is only an associate's degree and who knows if I will ever get far enough in a reasonable amount of time? Then, in addition to these issues with me, the world is honestly hopeless. Wealthy elites screw over the rest of us, gaining exorbitant amounts of wealth during the pandemic while everyone else is struggling. Not to mention the rise in hate groups, f'ed up police, climate change, and I do not know a single person who has not suffered abuse of some kind(which seems to indicate humanity is also f'ed up). I mean, there is a myriad of things I bring up that is incredibly disheartening about the world, but I do not wish to make this rant much longer. So, pretty much the only things keeping me alive are 1) I do not want another multi-thousand dollar bill my parents have to foot from hospitals in case my suicide attempts fails again, and 2) I do not want to ruin their lives by losing me. But they are fairly old baby boomers, so I suspect it will not be long before they die. Hint: the only two things keeping me alive would no longer be true in that scenario. Guess what I would do in that situation?, Honestly, the only things keeping from sui are my parents",Suicidal +21569,"I love my daughter and have given up so much of my life for her, and will continue to do so, but man, is it ever hard some days!! I have not been able to work for 3 years and I have barely had any good sleeps in the 8 years since her birth. Her father and I split up, which is a good thing because he is an ass, but I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never enter a serious relationship again because no man in his right mind would want a depressed, unemployed mom of a child that requires the level of attention that my daughter does. Worst of all, though, is the never ending guilt and self hated that comes from never feeling like I am doing enough for her or making her life less stressful. I have failed at everything in my life so far, including my most important duty; motherhood. Our upstairs landlords moved some of the lawn chairs in the yard today and that was way too stressful for my poor girl to handle. Imagine living in a world where rearranging furniture is traumatic for you. It just crushes me to see her so stressed out and I cannot do anything to make her feel better.It is 3:30 in the morning and she is now awake, even though I could not get her to sleep until 12:30 am. I have always struggled to get her to sleep through the night and I am still failing. Looks like another night of no sleep for me Being a parent of a special needs child is all kinds of hard",Depression +21570,"you all my situation is kind of weird, i promise there is absolutely no thing that could save me, I am actually p fucked up. I tried overdosing once and it did not work, i have severe emetophobia and luckily i did not throw up but idk which pills to take bc some people have survived crazy doses and i have no idea how much would kill me and I do not want to risk waking up and vomiting. I have very low pain tolerance and i would rather a painless death, do you all have any ideas? If not its fine, pls do not send me phone numbers lol, HDUHDI THIS IS SO DUMB lol. I tried searching everywhere pls do not make fun of me<//3 (TW: suicide ig) how do i kms lmaooaososo",Depression +21571,"I wanted to know how will others react if you happened to die I am not in a happy mood nowadays If you died how will others react e.g family members,friends, etc",Depression +21572,"This is just a rant. I do not have anyone I can really talk to atm. Fun fact when you are depressed and overshare with friends they tend to stop contacting you. Anyways this line I have been riding for awhile is reaching an end. Today I found myself talking to my coworkers of all people about the best ways to commit suicide. Hell it was more of a cry for help I think but what do I know I am not a doctor. Idk the intrusive thoughts are one of the few things that actually give me a sense of comfort anymore. To be frank I might have a year, maybe two. I just cannot keep this up. I do not have anyone in my life and it seems like I am beyond repair. Those are just my thoughts though, then again I am mentally unwell. Like I said I just needed to put this out there because frankly I am sick of waking up everyday. I just want this to be over. Getting some stuff off the chest",Suicidal +21573,"I am very introverted but honestly i like talking to people i trust. I only have like three friends and i do not mind, they are great, but lately i just want to,,, make everyone go away. I feel like a burden and i do not want to bring the mood down with my bullshit. Venting, the times I have do it, just leave me feeling worse and gross. And dunno, vulnerability is not my thing, it fucking sucks. I do not know what to do with all of this, bottling it up is bad, right? But venting to people i care and trust scares me and makes me feel, as i said before, gross.I just want to go and leave in the woods as a cryptic or something, or die, or both. I do not know. I am tired. All of this makes zero sense but lol i do not have anything else to try besides fucking suicide i guessI just wish there was an easy and fast way to do that, because honestly I am a coward I want to cut everyone out of my life and die",Suicidal +21574,"Writing this down as I comtemplate if I should kill myself later. I am a 21 year old dude and I am writing this down just to express myself and just for the sake of distracting myself from this thoughts. i have been having this dark thoughts every now and then, but they have been the only thing I only ever think about for the past few days. There are times when I actually think of doing the deed and when should I do it. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my mom sobbing uncontrollably as they lower my grave down. Its just so hard to keep on going when you literally have no motivation to just keep on living. The only person that I can turn to is my mom, since she is the only person who actually givesa shit about me, everyone else just does not care or they pretend to care and then they talk shit behind my back.I just burst into tears as I am writing this down. I actually never had considered the fact that I would kept this shit inside for so long and and now that its out in the open everything just burst out. I have been trying out the hobbies that my mom's been suggesting but they only provide temprorary relief.To be completely honest, writing down the stuff I have been feeling has helped a bit. I never thought I would use Reddit like this, but I had to let it out somehow. To those who read this, thanks for giving me a bit of your time and I hope none of you would ever have to go through I am going through right now.p Suicidal Thoughts have been popping in my head recently, and it scares me how willing I am to actually kill myself",Suicidal +21575,"I have a history of self harming back in high school which I stopped for a very long time. Right now, I am really tempted because I feel empty and want to feel something again. I tried doing all my hobbies like drawing, video games, movies, but they do not help. I am not interested in doing them anymore. I am just listening to Linkin Park and started breaking down. I am in my room right now. My family do not know what is going on with me.Any advice? I am really avoid SH but I am very tempted right now. Last SH was way back 2014 and scars is still visible.Ps: sorry bad english, not my first language Tempted to self harm again.",Suicidal +21576,"I have been battling depression and anxiety+social anxiety for more than a decade now. Surprisingly, I have been able to finish my undergraduate degree with a very good score by working my ass off, by stressing myself out every day that without it I will not have a future (which I know is not true : no matter what happens, I will not have a future).I have applied to several Master's degrees : in my country, each Master's degree is unique, and in undergraduate classes, you have 300 students and only 30 are selected to enroll in a Master's degree.Well, I was preselected for a Master's degree I am interested in (after being rejected by so many others, who considered that my ""personal"" work was not good enough, which hurt a lot). I had an interview on Monday and I just f*cked it up so badly. I was not even able to introduce myself or my works. If it were not for that interview, I feel like I could have had a chance.The results are tomorrow and I am freaking out. I am terrified that I will not get in. This Master's my last chance.I just do not know where to post this. Sorry, I just needed to rant. My life has been miserable for the past few months : I have been trying to save a friendship (my one and only friendship) with someone who is not interested at all at reciprocating 1/10th of my effort, my boyfriend is in another country and because of COVID I have not seen him in 7 months, my vacations with said boyfriend might be cancelled because of a new rise in COVID's cases.I am so f*cking tired. When trying your best is never enough",Depression +21577,"I am curious:Many who attend medical professionals for depression are prescribed medication. At the point of being prescribed that medication, to what extent is there discussion of a strategy to get you back on top of things meds free? Depression and medications.",Depression +21578,"The only reason I am still alive is because of my family and sometimes i wish I did not have them so i can end it all. It made me realize that ending it all is not an option because of my family, (mostly my little sister) they do not deserve picking up my pieces afterwards. Its just not fair for me to make their life miserable as well. So even if i have to carry the weight of hell on my shoulders i have no choice but to smile and keep going. I tend to wear a smile whenever i get sad and ppl around me always misjudge my true feelings which is not their fault either. Not being able to remove this mask really does make it harder for others to reach out to me which i wish was different. I wish I could get the same attention I give the ppl i love when they need it.Ps-Definitely not having kids though wudnt want them to go through this miserable cycle we all are living in. Rant? First time expressing my feelings to someone so please bear with me.",Depression +21579,"My mom is such a sweet woman and I love her but I get frustrated over the dumbest things and I always feel like there is a wall between us and I do not know what it is, I am just not on her wavelength or whatever. I fucking hate this, I hate myself, she deserves better than me. Every conversation with my mom ends up with me getting mad at her and apologising. I hate myself for it.",Depression +21580,"the chicken or the egg. For me it feels like the divorce. As she was the only person on this entire earth aside from my long dead parents that actually loved me. Its very easy for people who have people that love them, tell people who could disapear without a trace that ""they matter"". No F%@\* you. Just F$#% you. If your someone who tells people they matter who are not loved, you do not get it. Your scum. You encourage suffering is all you do. Leave the suicidal alone and let them die. Let them out of their misery. Your guilt tripping is worse than noose. and (to be honest I do not think I would have a funeral) like literally it might be days or weeks until a next of kin is even notified. The first next of kin is incoherant and brain dead too so that will go over well. Anyways, from 2010-2020, seven (7) close family members croaked. The deaths became so common mixed with my divorce by the end I did not even cry. My nightmare is when I wake up, my life is when I dream. Literally. My nightmares are so pleasant because I am actually back as my old self before all the dying, and the divorce, and the emptiness and being left with nothing, or nobody. I coped with the divorce by eating myself into obesity so reproductive prospects are gone making a second marriage an impossibility. Its simply over. I have fought it, I have held on for miracles, but none are coming. I am going to blow my brains out soon. The first time I was too scared. But the next time I will not back down. I have no friends. I have been homeless for 2 years because I literally do not care. I am homeless because that is where I belong. If someone would pass me a gun right now id make abstract art on the wall with it. Life is not precious. Its merely something lucky people get when they have social capital. If you have nothing, there is no reason. Reason is someone saying ""I love you"" and Actually meaning it. Sure lots of the guilt trippers will drop their Jesus Bros or Love yourself Bro, or some other meaningless slogan or irrelevant commentary. Cya on the otherside. Decided",Suicidal +21581,Is anyone here addicted to internet? How do you deal with it? Internet addiction,Depression +21582,In one of the worst situations of my life and i do not know what to do....things are truly bad now...can anyone talk to me please ? I am beyond stressed out. Dum choiches...needing help,Depression +21583,"i just cannot do it anymore. i do not want to live i just want to fade away but I am too much of a coward to do anything. I am a bastard, my biological father was never in my life. he never reached out or even tried to talk to me. i found out that in the December of 2019 that he has had other families and kids after me even though I am his first son and child. I have never even seen his face but i still want to have this man in front of me. not as a father, a person too talk to, or even just for clarity. no, i want him in front of me so i can finally put all my anger, depression, and anxiety that hes given me into punches, kicks, and slaps that will bring the world to an end. i hate this man with every cell of my being, and i always will. he was nothing but a drunk that would abuse and manipulate my mother while i was still in her womb. i still have very subtle but still somewhat noticeable deformities from this, like how an eye is above the other or how i have a dent in the back of my head. when i was younger we moved at least once a year to a different state. i could never make any friends because i would just leave them in a couple months. i felt alienated from everyone mentally at just 4. only person i could really connect to was and still is my mom. finally in 2010 we stopped moving around and lived in this blue complex. we lived on the middle floor while we had neighbors downstairs and upstairs. then in September my little brother was born. apparently something happened to him and this lead to him being underdeveloped mentally. this led to things like him almost dying multiple times. he did not even officially learn how to read properly until the third grade. in 2011 though, we had to move out just as things were somewhat getting comfortable. apparently a company in the nearby area had bought the land and area from the owner and they were kicking us out. luckily though we found a home a few months later. and we have been living here ever since. as i got a little bit older i started to be depressed by thoughts of my father and things i can never mention to anyone until i am very comfortable presenting them. this resulted in me having to go to the counselors office every week in 5th grade and having to act happy every grade after that. as time went on i started to lash out at people and started to develop anger issues that would and still result in me yelling, screaming, punching, and throwing things. i joined the wrestling team in 2019 during the beginning of 8th grade but i quite it this January because of how unhappy i am with myself. i would always go into weightlifting, practice, and tournaments thinking and having the mentality that i can achieve whatever i want and that things get better. sadly though i always left those events with the mindset that I am a worthless fat pig that cannot even run 5 minutes without whining. i did everything i could to the point where i would go in there and just yell at myself every time i waned to stop and give up. i would sit there stone faced pushing myself trying to prove myself worthy to my own mind and conscious. in the end though, that did not help at all because all i could see in the mirror was a fat kid that is considered a failure of a student, a failure of a athlete, a failure of a friend, a failure of son, and a failure of a human being. things did not get better after i quite though as those thoughts only got more powerful seeing as how i quite a sport after a year just because of my own mentality and thoughts. i started to become somewhat of shut in. i gained almost all of the weight that i lost back. i have been kind of skimming and passing through the days after that because nothing matters much anymore. especially seeing as how last month i was hit with the bombshell that my mother might be diagnosed with cancer and probably has it. i was not always a good son, but this is too much. i cannot have anything properly in this world in which i do not want to live in the first pace. my depression and anxiety have all be undermined or put to the side by others to the point that i do not even talk to my friends or family as much as i used to anymore unless i have to. whenever i try and improve my life either by exercise or anything else, it always gets taken away from me or i just run my own self into the ground mentally because i cannot see myself as nothing but a fat, worthless, unlovable, idiot who was not even loved enough to have seen his own biological father. i cannot and do not want to go on with this life, but I am too much of a wimp to do anything. i even tried running away but my weakness got the better of me and i returned hours later. why does it have to be me that has been dealt this hand. i want to die but i cannot do anything. i do not want to go on. I have had 15 yrs of life and do not want anymore",Depression +21584,Whenever I feel like a sad piece of shit I just remind myself that one day Ill be dead and none of this shit would have mattered and it makes me feel so much better I cannot wait until the next 70 years or whatever when Ill finally fall asleep for the last time :) I cannot wait until I am dead,Depression +21585,"I used to want to do things, now I do not. I just work, and that is fine. Maybe if I keep working I can get a better job and make more money and get out of debt, and then have some self confidence. The only thing I still want, is a family. I would need a girlfriend for that first, but, hahahaha yeahhhh I am pretty tired of all the rejection. I figured I will just improve myself and then someone who likes me will come along eventually, and i will not blow it. I do not really know what else I can do. I am in good shape, I am good at a musical instrument, I have a good job, I am pretty good at a second language, I have a STEM degree, people say I am attractive etc. I attract potential mates, but then it is like all of a sudden they realize they are not interested. it is kind of sad to see that happen over and over. It feels worse than just outright upfront rejection because initially they like me, but then after they get to know me they do not like me, ouch. Still though, I am in a studio apartment and it seems like I am barely making it by. I know the meme that it gets better, and i do not doubt that, i just hope it does not get better too late, and I lose my window of opportunity to have a family. I used to love the guitar and I always wanted to be a famous guitar player. Nowadays, I do not even know what to practice. I do not feel the same drive to get better at guitar that I used to have, and it seems like at this point it is extremely hard to improve. I have been trying to master bebop imrov for quite a few years, and I just cannot seem to make much headway. I think the depression has a lot to do with it, because my memory sucks, and my cognitive abilities kind of lag, so it is hard to keep up with the changes. Plus making mistakes really kills my mood, and I make a ton of them. I know it sounds like I am just complaining, and I guess I am, but I just needed to complain a bit. I do not really have anyone to talk to about this. Therapy is a bit out of my price range at the moment, not to mention, my job is located somewhere very remote.Anyway, thanks for reading. I do not really enjoy anything except for eating/drinking. I am not looking forward to anything except maybe the depression going away.",Depression +21586,"I went out with them today and since I am on holidays I will not see them for another week so this seems like the perfect time to tell them since I will not have to deal with them immediately and also it gives them time to process things. But I just cannot get myself to send it I wrote an almost 1000 word ramble about how I feel, things I have never told anyone, some things that I have bottled up for so long letting go of the one thing I can control is scary. Really I am only planning on telling them the bare minimum which is what I wrote but then they will know and unfortunately the bare minimum is still too much of me that I am giving away, to add on to that even though my friends are not the type to do this, I am scared that they will share it. In hindsight I really do not need to tell them how I feel but I feel so close to offing myself and I am just searching for something to keep me going. Maybe friends support could help, but then I am left alone and vulnerable. I am scared and I do not know what to do I am trying to tell my friends I am suicidal",Suicidal +21587,"Stuck in my own head recently so I just think and I think and I think. Just end up talking to myself about myself for hours, days even. One of the thoughts I had tonight was a theory about why I feel the need to do certain things.I have struggled with certain addictions in the past. I put that in quotes because I do not know if some of them were/are actual addictions or if I have just been conditioned to think that (in before some days something about the first step is admitting it blah blah blah, I get it, this is probably what an actual addict would claim). My self harming I would say was probably an addiction from what I can tell. My alcoholism, on the other hand, I do not know if that was an addiction. The only real friend I have ever had was the one who encouraged me to stop drinking after she found out about my suicide attempt where I drank a full bottle of bourbon, cut myself all up my arm and took a box of sleeping pills. I never meant to tell her but she heard about it it the next day through some crazy circumstances (long story) and we talked about it a little bit and she told me she wanted me to stop drinking, for good reason obviously. But that is why I am not sure if Id say I was addicted to alcohol, I did drink a fair bit and this was not the first night Id polished off a whole bottle by myself but I think the main reason I view it as a possible addiction is because she asked me to stop. But most of the time its pretty easy to not drink.But anyway, all that aside I am starting to notice that my addictions or whatever you want to call them hard the hardest to resist when I am thinking about having these kind of movie moments. Its kind of hard to explain but its like I just think about the emotional state I am in or some event that is triggered me and I sometimes picture myself in a sort of movie scene, something Id imagine you would see if a main character went through what I just did and its the scene that shows them processing that or whatever. An example would be in the show Lucifer, when Lucifer is sitting on the beach smoking with his wings on the ground behind him. Or any time BoJack goes on a bender in BoJack Horseman, scenes like that. Its like the only way I know how to process my emotions is by creating one of these moments for myself in real life. I have to put on some music and sit on a beach at night, with a glass of whiskey in my hand, or go to a club and get lost in a drug-fuelled montage, or stand on the roof of a high rise in the middle of the city and smoke. I do not know why this is.But the urge to create these moments for myself is the main thing that pushes me to want to drink or smoke or do drugs or self-harm. There are just some settings or some feeling that feel wrong without the accompanying vice. Even things like the type of alcohol changes, sometimes a straight glass of whiskey, neat. Sometimes its beer. Sometimes its vodka straight from the bottle. Other times its cocktails. I do not have a preference of my own, only what fits the moment I feel like I need to have.I do not know why I do this. I have thought maybe its because I want people to see me a certain way, and maybe it is to some extent, but almost every time I do it I am alone. Although I guess in the movies they always start alone and sometimes somebody will walk up to them. I do not know what to do with this information, I do not know if its better for me to ignore these urges to create the Hollywood moments even though, sometimes they actually make me feel a little better and nothing else helps with that, or if I should give into them when they happen, take it as a sign that I need to process and allow myself to break my sober streak. Hell, I do not even know why I have still got a sober streak, the only people that cared about me getting clean are gone now. Guess its just force of habit at this point. Anyways, do not know why I decided to post about this but its something I noticed and thought was weird. A theory about why I get some of the impulses I get",Depression +21588,"Ibe done a few mistakes like this before.. I do not know what to do.... Ever have a time, when you reply to a tweet but its not taken like you thought it would be?",Depression +21589,I recently read about North korea defects and its human rights violations and it made me feel hopeless. I know there is evil in the world but nothing has changed and I do not think it ever will. Vent,Depression +21590,"I am a 19 year old man who is spent most of his life with severe anxiety, mental health issues, and depression. Former addict. For the last five years I have struggled with bulimia and for the past year I have struggled with alcoholism. I have a girlfriend who lives with me and I love her dearly. I am stuck in my self destructive ways even though my life has gotten better. I am off meds, I am no longer locked away in a psych ward, yet I am still attempting to destroy myself subconsciously. If I try to adopt a healthy lifestyle I freak out and revert to my old ways. I drank too much again tonight and binged a ton, purging everything. Now I am laying in bed typing this, emotionless expression on my face. I can barely feel anything anymore yet I am truly afraid, somehow. I just want to get better. Yet, I am struggling to hard.I have attempted immediate suicide in the past, yet I have not done that in over 3 years now. The suicide I am dealing with is a slow suicide. One which I have the ability to stop, but am afraid that I will not be able to. Not necessarily your average suicide",Suicidal +21591,I am a 26 year old loser and I am going to kill myself I am too drunk and I am about to die,Suicidal +21592,"I will never be good at something. Why?Because to be good at something, you need to like it at least a little bit, enough so you can be motivated to do engage in that activity.But I have no interests. I have spent 2+ years trying like mad to find an interest. Reddit, google, wikipedia etc... I did so much research trying to find at least 1 interest. But my anhedonic brain just does not like anything. And I definitely will not be interested enough in anything to like it enough to the point I spend enough time in it that I become good at it. Anhedonia + depression + ADHD is a hell of a combination. I really want to be good at something, it is one of my biggest wishes to be really good at something. I NEED to be good at something if I am ever to have a good life, especially in this third world country. But it will never happen, because of my anhedonia and lifelong depression.",Depression +21593,"I am currently 33, single, on a train towards my mother. I do not have brothers or sisters. Mother is all I have got left.3 months ago, I was abroad, living with my married partner (still married as of 11-07-21, been with her 10 years), and my family. Nice place, fantastic job (I still have, but energy for this dropped to zero), dogs, pets, the whole picture. We had an amazing buffer and had an even greater outlook on the future. We barely fought, perhaps if it had to be steak or chicken for dinner.Now, 3 months later, my wife is (about to be diagnosed) with potentially various mental disorders. Something in her head clicked 3 months ago, slept around, started to drink, smoke, had various physical (yes it started with physical ailments, tachycardia, ovary pain), it all pointed towards potential bipolar and perhaps something else. She overdosed, entered into a psychiatric facility, who said the same, she is bipolar. I look behind her eyes, and there is nothing left of the woman I once met.I went to the doctor, I need help. And he did, extra pills, therapy.In the ten good years I have had with her, we fulfilled the bucket list, financially secure, loving family. We did everything, together. All countries, we tried all drugs, we bought our first car, etc. All shared ""firsts"". The financiall security has diminished as she went into hardcore drugs to mask the mayhem in her brain (she is now on prescribed pills by her shrink) but subsequently were the ones she used for overdose.She feels the entire world is after her, to get her. Her entire group of friends altered, all her previous friends are enemies, the new ones are nothing but codependent enablers who yammer; ""nothing wrong with you girl""An extremely bright person, broke, into a 1000 pieces.I could not focus anymore, work went tits up.I have already achieved everything I wanted, and all I wanted now was to keep what we had. Life is not a rodeo, (i remember I buried my dad), so I was expecting a downturn, but not one like this.I wrote various ""this is it suicide letters to all my friends and loved ones"" for their help over the years and went to a bridge last thursday night. A jump would have done it, not on a car. Minimum impact. i had a list left of people Id call if I would do something this big.one picked up, we talked for 6 hours, following morning doctor, higher dosage.They all understood. Even my mum. All understood, they were respectful. I am walking around with 150% pressure in my head while I can only take 100% daily. I told my friends, and my doctor and therapist. My head is ticking. I can take this another few weeks until I break again. They got it.I am in perfect condition, eat healthy.The overdose, the mourning of what I once had, the ""now what question"" as I already achieved financial and corporate success in my field, and all hobbies I once had are triggers to my past. So obviously I am trying new hobbies, I use the pills, I meet friends, I work out, I still do my job at 25%, I keep swimming.But this is nothing more but a boring equation of, I realize time heals wounds, but if time is 45 days, and I am currently drowning every day, I do not know if I will make it to those 45 days...Any advice? Because this write up was nothing else to waste another +15min to get to that ""time heals wounds"" phase. What to do now? I feel I have done everything I achieved in life (family, work) and it came crashing down after I hit the summit",Depression +21594,"I have no idea why. No meds, no therapy and no changes to the circumstances of my life. Nothing at all is different, except that I do not feel like complete shit. I do not feel happy, but I do not feel miserable either. I have not felt this way since early middle school. I am sure I will be back on my bullshit soon enough, but I am going to use this time to clean my house. I actually feel okay today",Depression +21595,"Being at home with my family is like fighting massive fires on my rare days off. I love them but they are going to destroy my physical and mental health, I swear. Sis waking me up earlier than I need (on my ONE day off) so that I can go out with her, and then leaving before I am ready...She just called me. she is going far. The conversation goes, ""Do you still want to come out."" I am thinking, a long walk down to the river or something, so I say yes. ""See you in [part of town I hate going to] then.""it is been ten minutes since she left and she thinks I am angry because I have not texted her yet. I say no, I am in the bog (I have IBS that are not going away any time soon with this stress), and that I just woke up.She scorns me saying well, I stayed up with dad last night (she does not talk to him so I guess I should not either?). I am on the verge of telling her to fuck off but I do not.When I go silent she makes another snide remark. I tell her I am just trying to figure out how to get there although actually I am trying to decide if I should allow her to manipulate me into this or not. She tells me to take the bus.it is free for her. it is expensive for me.Why is her depression making her selfish, short-sighted, and a bitch to me? Is this common? Does depression make people cruel to their loved ones",Depression +21596,Iv planned my suicide after destroying my life and losing the last thing I had left. My beautiful ex. She thinks I am bpd but idk(m23). I am too scared to reach out in case they put me into some sort of place. she is the only one who is cared about me and I am just a mentally unstable alcoholic with nothing but debt and no job. I just want to feel normal. Why is it when I get my dream girl and my first serious relationship I cannot fucken function and my life goes to shit.. The doctors never help and I am always brushed off and given anti depressants and that is it. I just feel incredibly lonely right now with no one to talk to or any friends. I am scared,Suicidal +21597,"Well, Ididn't ask to get made! Ididn't ask to be torn apartand put back together over and over andturned into somelittlemonster! Sucker for pain.",Depression +21598,"First and foremost please save the dramatics because I have already made my mind up and my decision is final. Please know there is nothing you can or could do.I am jealous of people in mental wealth wards. that is where I want to be. But I do not think I would qualify, as I am not outwardly a danger to myself or others. I have been through the healthcare system multiple times, and it only ever made me worse. I am on 100mg of sertraline and all it is done is made me more anxious and I cannot even enjoy music anymore. I cannot cry anymore, I cannot laugh anymore, I cannot cum anymore (TMI I know). I am convinced at this point there is nothing I can do to ever make things better. Not to sound like the joker lmao but society is fucked. I hate it. People are evil. Capitalism is evil. I do not want any part in this, and I would rather spend the rest of my life in isolation.I have attempted to end things twice before but failed. Once due to cowardice, and the second due to luck. I got better for a while, or at least I thought I did, but after COVID things have just completely collapsed and I am worse than I ever have been. I cannot deal with my brain constantly. I have no idea how I am supposed to navigate my way through this hellscape of a world with a brain that constantly makes things 10x more difficult. I am 21 years old, I am so anxious I cannot leave the house, unemployed, just dropped out of university, I have literally no friends, and all the friends I have had in the past I have ended up pushing away. I have nasty intrusive thoughts all the time, too awful to even say out loud. I am not comfortable in my own skin. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I have tried so hard to do good and be good but I have realised the problem is not me, it is the world. The world is fucked and I do not want to be in it.So, I have a plan for tonight. I have got 20 packs of Aspirin and I am going to swallow as many as I can. I will wash it down with vodka. I am going to put my favourite album on and turn the volume up all the way. My parents will be out at the pub drinking and watching the football. I have never cared for football so it is not surprising to them that I am staying home. They will not be out all night though, and will probably return at 10 or 10:30pm. So, the way I see it, either they come home too late and I am already dead OR they come home, call an ambulance and I miraculously survive. At least then they will probably take me seriously and throw me in a ward where I belong.And yeah I am posting this for attention. Do I want pity? Yeah, probably. Just say you love me and tell me not to do it and feel sorry for me and all that. It will not do anything but at least it might give me a little bit of serotonin before I take the gamble.If you are suicidal yourself reading this, stop lurking this sub. Get help. Reading stuff on here is not going to make you feel any better, it is an echochamber of suicidal ideations. Get off of here for your own good. Well, I think this is it.",Suicidal +21599,"I am a 19 year old man who is spent most of his life with severe anxiety, mental health issues, and depression. For the last five years I have struggled with bulimia and for the past year I have struggled with alcoholism. I have a girlfriend who lives with me and I love her dearly. I am stuck in my self destructive ways even though my life has gotten better. I am off meds, I am no longer locked away in a psych ward, yet I am still attempting to destroy myself subconsciously. If I try to adopt a healthy lifestyle I freak out and revert to my old ways. I drank too much again tonight and binged a ton, purging everything. Now I am laying in bed typing this, emotionless expression on my face. I can barely feel anything anymore yet I am truly afraid, somehow. I just want to get better. Yet, I am struggling to hard. I need help, I think",Depression +21600,"my friend says i have so much potential but honestly i think I am too mentally ill to function and accomplish anything significant or worth living for. all i can think about is killing myself in front of my ex to hurt him and maybe make him feel a fraction of the pain i felt in our relationship and after the breakup lol. i wonder if he would even feel sad if i died.i was suicidal due to many other things unrelated to him but he ruined my no contact progress by coming back into my life and leaving again. we broke up five months ago and he just reopens the wound whenever he leaves. hes done this so many times. abandonment hurts me a lot so I am very devastated and i want to kill myself. why cannot i just get over this guy and do something with my life?all the memories, good and bad, are so painful, it hurts so much. i want a lobotomy or something i really wish i could forget him forever. i hate him so much and i want him out of my life forever yet i cannot stop letting him back inim a bunch of wasted potential because I am lazy, easily distracted, have a horrible work ethic and my mind is absolutely scrambled. i cannot hold a job or finish college. its sad to see myself go out this way, id love to die right now I am going to throw away my potential",Suicidal +21601,"I thought I was getting better but now that I think about it I just got used to living like this. No passion for anything, no pleasure from anything.I feel like a being that is just there occupying space I got used to it",Depression +21602,So now I am stuck on cellular and cannot do anything all weekend w my friends. I want to kill myself. My stomach makes me feel so disgusted and I do not know what is wrong with me. I want to shove my head into a blender. Shits rough My fucking wifi went out,Suicidal +21603,"I am just overwhelmed by the sheer chaos of the world around me, last week after work I had a gun pointed at me by some kid in a lifted truck and everyone just sort of shrugged it off the very next day... I cannot stop thinking about it though.I knew this was always a possibility, literally anyone could decided to shoot you or kill you randomly if they wanted to, and there is nothing you can really do to stop it - but when you honestly think someone is about to end your life abruptly you realise just how terrifying that is. And for everyone to just play it off like its normal for someone to aim a fucking gun at you?I have been too scared to go anywhere but home and work since then, even stopping at a gas station is a daunting experience. Everyone around me seems to think my fears are becoming irrational and that I should just forget about it because ""It could happen any day"" as if that is supposed to be comforting?I do not think I want to live in that world, and if I am going out I want it to be on my terms. Life in general is just too much for me.",Depression +21604,"I am tired of feeeling manic and depressed all the time. I like to lie down picture my suicide. I pictured the most promising method yet. I know i need help but I am so fucking broke. I cannot pay for my college anymore or my rent. It feels easier to let it all go. I do not think this makes me entirely selfish, i feel like I am finally putting myself first. I am bipolar",Suicidal +21605,"All my life, people treats me like shit. I feel like they put all the frustrations they have on me, but why? I just cannot take it anymore. I do not even know why they do that to me. What have I done to deserve it? I feel like I am in this world to be kicked. I just cannot take it anymore. it is so hard to live with so much hate. These last few months, I am thinking about death a lot. Honestly, the reason why I am still alive is because of my parents. i have to take care of them when they get older. But I wanted so bad to die, i have such a miserable, lonely and painful life. And I am so tired all the time. I see a therapist and i take my meds, but I feel like I will never be happy. People took all my will to live. Everyone hates me for some reason, i just cannot take it anymore. I think about suicide a lot",Suicidal +21606,"I desperately want to die. I feel so alone in this world. My friends are not friends, my family is not family. there is nobody to rely on except me, and that is hard to do when you have no motivation to even get out of bed. I do not know how much longer I am going to be alive for",Depression +21607,"I honestly do not like people that much and would rather die than continue living around them for the next 4 years. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to get to a place in which I can live peacefully alone for a while. I like to daydream all the ways I could die because it is comforting. Death Wishes",Suicidal +21608,"Sometimes I wish I could blow my brains out, but then I remember that there are people who care about me. Other times I kind of wish I could just completely go off the radar and make people forget about me so I can die in peace. I am stuck in a painful loop",Suicidal +21609,"I do not want to die, I just do not want to feel like this anymore. It feels suffocating, to have my parents control my every move. I feel like I am a prisoner to my own home. I know that they are doing this out of love, but it is hindered my social skills. I struggle to open up to my friends about my issues because I have always been the one at their beck and call. I cannot seem to recall a day where I did not worry about anything and everything. I hate that I worry about everything. I do not know what I want to be when I leave high school. I feel so helpless and hopeless. I am going to contradict myself to death.I do not know what else to write- my chest hurts and everything feels fake. Like the world is wrapped in cellophane and my brain's taken a vacation. I do not know what to put here (and I hope that you do not mind that)",Suicidal +21610,Bye. I am trash I am going to kill myself right now.,Suicidal +21611,"I am completely opposite. Girls says I am all sweet and stuff and they thought, I am really looking for a relationship. But, for me. Its not like i do not want to take it seriously i just want to have a light relationship without defining of ""mine"" to each other. Then I will got butterflies an often do not go further, once i felt they are stepping up for more. And just kill the fire. (Some would just me that I am just playing and just using my ""looks"" but truth be told is ) I do not know because I am scared enough of obligation to have a relationship. I did have some symptoms of performance anxiety either if its job related or sports. Because, of some trauma i received during my childhood days. Maybe it could be related ? Why i stay away from women?",Depression +21612,"I am going to get fired from my job in 2 weeks. I am married with 2 kids (13&16). I love them so much. But if I kill myself before I get fired, then the family get a insurance payout that will make them financially secure.If I just wait to get fired we are financially ruined. I hate to think of them being emotionally scarred by my death, but do not know what other options I have. Trapped",Suicidal +21613,"I was diagnosed with clinical depression (anxiety disorder, panic disorder, mood swing), REM sleep disorder, and ADHD at age 26. I knew that something was wrong but I did not know what until I hit the rock bottom (unfortunate events happened, in the worst possible place, at the worst possible timing). I tried to kill myself for months and one day I ended up in an ER with cutting my wrist with cocktail of alcohol, energy drink and painkiller. I have gotten hospitalisation, years of talk therapy and art therapy, and now I am only on medications. Sometimes I am good or hyper but usually medications barely hold my moods swing. I was not born in a wealthy family but my parents provided me more than comfortable things - private schools, travels, studying abroad, credit cards and other material things. Which I am more than grateful considering that there are many people have less supportive family/friends not only financially but also emotionally or simply unlucky to not have access to basic needs. Despite fully knowing that I am lucky and I should live with gratitude but it is really difficult, especially as getting old and cannot find a reason to live - hope or dream? I have been to the dark place a few times and I am officially on the list of suicide watch, still seeing my therapy every 2 weeks but I have been going to the dark place again. Maybe some people know that you cannot help but want to go to the darker and darker place instead of trying to fight it. I feel like its an addiction when I feel depressed af I want to get more and more depressed and end my life. Constantly thinking about suicide methods, what to write on my will, how to disappear and die without affecting my family, and how to die but can donate my organs for those who want to live because its not fair some people want to live but struggle. Anyone else feels like this or been in this situation for years? Addicted to depression",Depression +21614,I have a job make 100K+ a year. I have a girlfriend. I have my own home at 26. On paper I am doing everything correct but I am so sad. I have a month off from my job and I keep trying to force myself to take a trip because I know I will not get an opportunity with this much time off for a long time. The work it takes to plan a trip makes it almost not worth it. it is been 2 years since my childhood dog died and the anniversary is coming up and I miss him so much. I feel so bad because I was going through so much shit when he was sick that I felt like I was not even spending his final days with him the best I could have been. My relationship with my girlfriend was falling a part at the time and I just quit my job because of my depression and I was so focused on myself. He had cancer for 2 years so it was hard to tell when his time was. The whole situation was very traumatic for me especially the day of his death. I do not want to get into details because it was very bad. I still am not even close to getting over it.I have a new girlfriend now and my life is better on paper but I am still just as said. I just want to be a kid again. I have no interest in continue with being an adult. I am so sad every day. The world is so cruel. I miss my dog and just want to be a kid again. Adult life is miserable.,Depression +21615,"So, this happened some years ago. When I was about 5, we had a small doggy may be less than 7 months old. Well, she got sick and me being just a kid did not have much saying on what needs to be done and it was my first experience with a sick animal so I did not even know what to do, I was scared and did not want to lose her. Just thought grown-ups will make everything right.She did not make it as fever reached her brain, back then I did not know what that means. Now, 14 years later I have been remembering her for a little over a month. How I could have saved her if I nagged my parents even more, might have admitted her to a better vet hospital. She could have been with us now.Idk I kind of want to end stuff, I could not save her. She was just a pup. Been crying since a month",Depression +21616,"Everyone talks about loving themselves these days and if you do not you are just not good enough and nobody wants you, that literally what they say, say you want a relationship/friends and they tell you to love yourself first because nobody wants to be around a ''Debbie downer''People do not want true human connections, they want people who fulfill roles like a best friend or wife like it is a fucking job, they do not care about how others feel, only how others make them feel.it is frustrating trying to be the perfect fucking human everyday, because unless you are perfect, people see you as worthless.. Why does everyone seem to hate insecure or depressed people?",Depression +21617,"Everyone I have ever known in my life has made me feel so fucking small and inferior. I never had the strength, bravery, or self-esteem to stand up to these people. And even though I am technically an adult I am fucked in my head because of all the shit people around me did to me! I cannot deal with people, I am afraid and angry with people and the world. I am sick of being weak and cowering away, but I cannot stand up to them. They continue to make me feel small and weak and that just makes me feel more worthless, more useless, and I just want to end it. My actual only hope is I get the strength to end it so I do not have to suffer, so I do not have to feel like a worthless piece of shit. Everyone has made me feel like a burden, like my existence is a problem, yet I did not ask to exist, but they blame and get mad at me.I fucking hate the world full of these fuckers who make people feel small, worthless, and in their way. But so many people could not give a fuck about mental illness or how many people have offed themselves because people chose to be fucking assholes. I wish they would all just drop dead! I wish their lives would turn upside down and they could know what it feels like when the world is against you! When your battling your own mind and body. it is fucking exhausting! Everyone Has Made Me Feel Small and Inferior...",Depression +21618,"These are some things that bring me joy.Rather than triggers that are bad, I have focused on happiness triggers, or things that can uplift my mood.Whenever I feel the depression too strong or need a pick-me-up, much like the song from Sound of Music**these are a few of my favorite things**Bubble baths + bath bombsAromatherapy (smelling said bath bombs lol)Eating tasty food (lots of soups)Playing and watching MinecraftCuddling with my dogTaking a napSitting outside in the sunlight for a bitWatering my plantsRewatching the Harry Potter filmsRewatching Lord of the Rings filmsListening to calming video game OSTSPlaying Animal CrossingWatching cooking videos on YouTubeWatching cafe vlogsWatching animal videosWatching baking videosCurling up by my space heaterSingingLooking through my art booksLooking at furniture onlineDoing my makeupLaying in a pile of pillows and blanketsDancingJust laying on the floor with closed eyesWhat are some of *your* happiness triggers? Some things I use to fight off my depression",Depression +21619,"I just want to die already. I want it all to stopI know it does not matter how much hormones or surgeries I get I am still a disgusting maleI'll never look like a womanI'll never look like my momI'll never look like my aunts, my grandma, my girl cousinsI'll always look like a completely hideous creature trying to mask myself as an actual woman when I am notI'm 17 and yet I already feel like my body is so disgustingly masculinized that I should not even attempt to change it anymore and just bury myself along with all my miseryI can count on very little people to even say that. My family is too conservative for me to ever even think about coming out (they would probably disown me), only some of my closest friends know this (almost all girls). I cannot count on anyone to support meI think constantly about just getting the chance to get the money and go into hrt already, probably move in with some friends just to be able to afford to get as far away as I can from family (not because I dislike them in any way, they just would never approve of my transition) but honestly each day the option of just quitting life for good seems more temptingMaybe I just have not done it because I am scared of what comes after, because I do not want to break the hearts of those who will be left behind (although sometimes I think it would be easier on my family than me trooning out)My dad and stepmom will get me a little sister this year and I am so excited to see her grow up and to be there for her, yet I do not know if I could keep living a single week of this tortureI know my family has a history of suicides, most notably my paternal grandmother just months before I was born. I do not want dad to feel the pain of losing someone so dear like this again. He says he could only carry on after his mother's death because he was about to have a kid, that I am the only reason he is still here. I could not bring myself to break the heart of someone I love so much this way, but I just genuinely cannot bear this pain and I know he would hate any path in life that I genuinely wantI just wish so, so hard that I was born cisI've tried to repress, I have tried to pray it away, I have tried to ""man up"", but nothing fucking works. I get so furious at myself because I just cannot help it. I cannot help feeling so out of place among my male peers. I cannot help acting so effeminately that I needed to be constantly corrected all my life to ""act like a boy"". I cannot help wanting so much to look and be like a normal girl my age, instead of being a mentally ill borderline insane disgusting good for nothing maleI whine so much for someone in such a privileged position as a (lower but still) middle class white teenager. I cannot even enjoy this because of my mental delusionI just wish with all my might that another person could take my place and I could stop existing. Would be so much easier on everyoneDad, mom, I am so sorry I could not be the son you wantedI cannot even stand my own self pity anymore, but I cannot even decide if it is really worth it to keep on livingDoes it really get better? Or do we get better at pretending it is fine?My headaches are bdcoming unbearable and I cannot keep on going. Plus, my hands are getting tired from typing.I just want it all to end, one way or another Being trans fucking sucks",Suicidal +21620,"So I am a 27 y.o. Male, I have a stable job, a girlfriend who I am about to get married to in a few months, a loving family, and also a few close friends.I keep thinking to myself, I have things that many people crave for, but why do I feel so empty?Its as if I am just waiting to die. School was fun, also uni, and maybe the first few years of work. Suddenly reality just came out of nowhere.I am just a corporate drone constantly expected to print money for them, and then pass them to my family. Who currently needs constant financial aid.The fun in my life has been sucked out completely, I do not do things for fun anymore, I just do stuff because I have to. Then fall asleep out of exhaustion just to repeat the same things over and over again.Is this what lifes all about? Have I peaked early in life? Is there anything to be excited about anymore?Please can someone tell me? Struggling to find a will to exist.",Suicidal +21621,I am so done with life. After I get my degree I am shooting myself. I cannot take this anymore. Life is the greatest illusion. I just want everything to end,Suicidal +21622,I feel like the only way to apologize for my actions is to take my own life. I feel like everyone is against me even my online friends I known for 2 years. I know that they really would not abandon me. I feel like I would be at peace when I am dead I thought the drama was over. I had been drowning in my own sorrow for I do not know how long. I decided to take a break. I cannot do this anymore. Everything feels like a lie to me. I feel like I am wasting away slowly,Depression +21623,"I am so tired of everything I am going through. i am unmotivated and i just want my life to end. the only thing keeping me alive is material purchases that give me temporary happiness and distracting myself by playing shooter games all day.my ex keeps popping in and out of my life and it kills me. I am so distraught why does he keep doing that if he knows it hurts me so much. i went crazy and emailed him with like 10 accounts, begging him to unblock me while simultaneously telling him to never talk to me again. now I am extra suicidal and unhinged. i really want to kill myself in front of him, I have been thinking about that for months nowi started taking mood stabilizers two days ago but I am so sick of everything i do not think i can hold out long enough to see if the meds helps me. i dropped my useless therapist last week toohow do you stay away from someone who is very bad for you but also makes you happy? i want to die in my sleep",Suicidal +21624,"its just not worth it anymore. no one would even care, and even if they did its probably because they wanted me gone. i do not contribute anything, i feel like everyone hates me, and I am so close to ending it. just waiting for someone to confirm my suspicions, if they even bother to talk to me, or maybe i will end up doing it anyway. I am done with life",Suicidal +21625,I feel extremely lonely. I drove the only person I love and who treated me kindly and always was there for me away forever. The one time I find love I find it hard to love. she is convinced I am bpd but everytime I asked for help i just feel like I am being ignored and brushed off. I lost my job two months ago because of performance issues from lack of energy and my alcoholism. My mood swings are driving me insane. I can never feel happiness just emptiness which fuels my drinking even more even tho I know I need to stop. Just turned 23 last month and spent it in bed and with my ex leaving me and telling me its over for ever. We were engaged and planning on having kids in a year. I dk what to do the doctors just give you meds and that is it. I am truely lost and never thought Id make a post like this ever. I feel like I am at the end of the road. Its been a constant cycle since my teens. I can never find peace. And to make it worst I felt like I was going to die around 23. Sorry for rambling I just do not know what to do. Everything has gone wrong my life constantly. I just want to be normal. Lost with no hope,Depression +21626,And other hilarious jokes I can tell to myself Life gets better,Depression +21627,Can you think of anything? What was the best day of your life?,Depression +21628,"No family, no friends, no colleagues. Everything I do I do it on my own. Its hard. I will keep going but I desire so much in life which I just cannot achieve, because I lost hope. I feel like I am the most avoidable person on earth",Suicidal +21629,"My 21st birthday is in two weeks and i think its the best day i could finally do it. I have dealt with depression my entire life and its never been this bad. I lost all my friends, my boyfriend completely hates me, and my family does not even notice when I am not there. The only reason I have been putting it off is because of my cat but I am going to give her to my boyfriend. I just want it all to be over i cannot really take it anymore. I am going to end it on my birthday",Suicidal +21630,"I am 23 and I have been battling with depression since I since 2008/9. Since then I have self harmed and had many suicidal thoughts / attempts. Now, I feel that I am officially losing my battle. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel no matter what I do. I am losing",Depression +21631,I am 26 and I am about to jump in front of a car If I hear my parents having sex I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +21632,"Think about, when I am happy, it is just chemicals in my brain.When I am angry, it is just chemicals in my brain controlling my emotions. When I am embarrassed, it is just chemicals in my brain dictating my emotionsI could go on forever.Why live if my all my feelings are dictated by something that does not have to deal with them? I just realized, all I am is a slave to my emotions.",Depression +21633,what is wrong with meI just suddenly had this really strong wave of me feeling like I can just pour my love into someone. I know I do not need a relationship to fix my problems but I cannot stop thinking about it. I feels like I can just love a girl unconditionally and it will not stop and its really stressful and destroys me everytime I think about it what is wrong with me,Depression +21634,Wtf. I do not know why I am feeling this way. I had a great night at a concert and made out with my crush and just overall had a great time. Fast forward 2 hours at a bar and I just want to find a time to leave because I hate myself and feel like I am the worst one there and everyone is judging me. Wtf? All my friends are with girls rn and my roommate who I usually open up to is out of town. Hes one of the only people in the world that knows what I am going through but I do not want to bother him when hes on vacation. I honestly feel like if there were a gun in my apartment Id use it on me. what is going on? Why do I feel like this? I guess you could say I hang out with the popular crew so idk maybe that is why I am feeling like shit cuz I am always comparing myself. But damn its not easy when I feel like everyone is doing so good and doing better than me. I just feel like I do not know how to act around people and everyone is living life pretty damn well. I went to a really good college but kind of have an average job so that probably contributes to the lack of confidence. This blows. The only reason I do not do it is cuz I love my family and I know how heartbroken they would be what do I do Just want some help please,Suicidal +21635,Got me having a low freaking sex drive Anti-Depressants,Depression +21636,"Recently I have gotten into a accident that could have ended my life, and I have come out with no severe permanent injuries, and now I could not have activities outdoors for a few monthsMy last resort was gaming, but my laptop broke down. And my parents refuse to do anything about it.And people keep asking me if I want to bike, but they know I cannot due to my injuries. And I just got my new bike the day before the accident.Making it worse, everyone around me, literally every single fucking person is getting new computers, and they are all telling me about itIt almost seems like the whole world is targeting me, kicking me when I am down, laughing at me when I most vulnerable.I have been shutting myself out from the world lately, and I still got work forced on to me by my parents, my whole life is falling apart, relationship wise, economically, and mentally.I do not know how long I can keep myself from not dyingI do not know how long I have.For 4-5 years I have prevented myself from suiciding, and walking my path with a forced positive attitude.I think I am at my limit. I feel like my life is falling apart",Suicidal +21637,"Idk what to do, my mother helps me a lot but she does not think I have to leave until I get a partner to live with. Living alone I guess she does not think I need to pay rent or maybe can. Idk I jsut feel like a loser and a leech who just burdens them and they are just being nice. I have a job and I am fine in life but I still live with my parents because my mom insists",Depression +21638,"it is 2AM and I am so close to falling asleep. I just got over an episode of something. I do not know what it is but I felt so numb and empty. Like a booming headache and migraine, but there was no pain. I just felt like I was dead, and I could not get that thought out of my head. I do not know what to do I think I realized how much I need help. I do not want to die anymore I am terrified of it I have things I will not forgive not living for now. Please it hurts too much thinking about it I cannot take it. Tell me what I can do where I can go or who I can talk with to fix this. I have had to question the reality of my existence and have not been able to do almost anything for over a month. I know everyone does to some extent but it is different than when I ever have before. I think it is derealization, but I do not know what to do. I cannot die yet I have not gotten to live my fate yet please and I am not supposed to feel like this. I need to sleep and I feel ok now but I still have that lingering feeling that my instinct will come true. Please tell me how I can get help Please help me",Depression +21639,"i am extremely hopeless in changing how I live my life. I tried cutting my wrists a month ago and i had enough lines on my forearm to cover it all up. I regretted cutting myself but it was too late to take them back and all i could do was wait. i used a dull kitchen knife so there was barely any bleeding so i think in the back of my mind i knew i would not die but also i know now that cutting was easier and less painful than i thought. fast forward to today a thought crossed my mind of what if i died a month ago and i died from the cuts. (for reference I was on molly and acid when i cut my arm) so do i really know what went down when i was cutting? and i thought back from a month ago to now and some things pointed to that i was dead. i started having flies in the house, my mom has not gotten groceries in 3 weeks, my friends would not really talk to me unless i talked to them. life felt unreal this path month. i called the suicide prevention hotline and was put on hold about 5 times before the lady told me to call another line and that line directed me to a fucking voicemail and i had to talk to a fucking voicemail why i feel like fucking shit and i want to see if i cut wrist again with the same knife if i would bleed or not since i am sober now. who the fuck only has one person for a suicide prevention hotline, is there a fucking maximum amount of people who want to kill themselves at night? i need therapy but I am too afraid to get it due to monetary costs. i do not know what to do right now i feel fine but i feel like if i let the idea of me being dead and still living fester in my mind i might be driven to find out if i really am or not just a rant",Suicidal +21640,"I am only 16 and I fucked up, I have a 1.2 GPA so school is fucked, I am going into my sophomore year, I was in honors classes and now I am in what my school calls behinds classes, basically where the not so smart people go, and I am there. Ever since 6th grade I have felt burnt out, I have not felt happy even though I should. I have a loving family, everything I could ask for, and friends who tell me how much they care about me often, yet I feel nothing. I just cannot handle feeling nothing anymore I do not even feel human. Everything is coming crashing down and I do not know where to turn anymore and I am seriously contemplating suicide and I am scared I do not want to die but it is all I think about now I feel like my life is completely over",Suicidal +21641,Lots of censorship on here. Other website for suicide talk. Less trolls. cannot even suggest. So censored this is. I am probably fucked but they can eat shit. it is a bag of dicks,Suicidal +21642,If no one is there for me then I will kill myself right now. I am a 26 year old loser and I will kill myself. You have no idea what I am going through. I want to die if I am unloved. I want to die,Suicidal +21643,I can barely look at my pictures from elementary. The kid that was smiling and blissfully ignorant is gone. Who would have thought that a kid that made straight As and had hella friends would eventually be filled with dread and suicidal thoughts? does not help that I have pretty much lost contact with most of my friends and this one girl that I cannot get my mind off of for some reason. Its so sad that I have been turned into someone so worthless and depressed. So lame I keep reminiscing and it hurts,Depression +21644,"what is the line between apathy and depression? Or do they go hand in hand? Everyday I go through life filled with indifference, I do not think it was like this before. Do I need help? Apathy or Depression?",Depression +21645,I want to workout and eat healthy but my dad will not buy healthy food and when I ask him to he says just do not eat junk but that is all we have so what does he want me to do starve to death? I am in 7th grade and I am not fat but I want to have a toned body rather than average and just working out will not do anything the diet is a huge part and I cannot do anything about it and it makes me super depressed that it will be like this forever. Being healthy,Suicidal +21646,I want to die! I am a 26 year old loser! I am so angry! FUCK ME!!!! I am suicidal because I am lonely,Suicidal +21647,"Not having a good night in regards to the suicidal thought front but will probably be ""ok/survive"". I have been suicidal for a long time, not my first rodeo. It tends to come in two phases the first phase is passive and that is pretty normal for me and is just rather uncomfortable/inconvenient but the second phase tends to be potentially very dangerous and is phase one plus a perceived loss of control in regards to the suicidal thought and is significantly rarer. I have always assumed that if my control hits zero an attempt is imminent and I will not really get a say in the matter. I have never gotten to zero control before but I have gotten real close on a handful of occasions. Definitely dipping into second phase tonight. Honest question... When should you ""really"" go to emergency for suicidal thought?",Suicidal +21648,fuck I am so sad please its all too much happiness is almost painful because I am waiting for the facade the fake icing to fall to crash down and burn up any hope or inspiration i had I am supposed to have it all figured out I am supposed to but does it even matter? i cannot get out of my damn head what am i doing?,Suicidal +21649,"Tired of being played with, tired of wasting my time on people that do not really give two fucks and honestly I am tired of even trying, I felt way more comfortable when I was in my dark place, lonely and fucked up on something all the time, I just wish everything was over when I gave it a try, life is just unfair Tired",Suicidal +21650,I want to leave I am tired,Suicidal +21651,"Sorry, I am not native English speaker.Hi, today is my birthday and its just unbearable. I had a plan how to run away from my depressive state.Take vacationTravel to another city for 1500kmSome old and new friends that live hereAnd different entertainments at every moment, to not thinking about...""They"" said that it will help, that i just tired and that thoughts go away. But no, they always with me. I just do not understand why i live, it is not about suicide. Every moment, every success or failure does not metter for me. it is like pain and pressure in chest, also i cannot eat normally, just do not want, i cannot sleep more that 4 hours, even if drunk.And every time when i told someone about it, they just say ""do not be sad it is all right in your life"". I tried to go for medical help, but in 4 different clinics minimum registration for 2 months to get a reception. So i gIve up.I just need help, because every day it is harder and harder to bring it with me. And now i do not even understand why wrote it. ""do not be sad""",Depression +21652,"Think about, when I am happy, it is just chemicals in my brain.When I am angry, it is just chemicals in my brain controlling my emotions. When I am embarrassed, it is just chemicals in my brain dictating my emotionsI could go on forever.Why live if my all my feelings are dictated by something that does not have to deal with them?Sorry if this does not belong here I might delete it later. I just realized, all I am is a slave to chemicals in my brain",Suicidal +21653,"You hate me, do not you? do not hide it.do not lie, I hate liars.I know you hate me, do you want to know why.I lie to myself all the time, and I hate liars.I want to hurt those who others.I want to hurt myself because I hurt everyone around me.How much longer can I make it.Until I decide to end it all. Hate",Depression +21654,I feel like I am getting worse. I started posting recently about this. I feel so terrible almost all the time. My brain has so much fog I cannot think straight anymore and I keep pushing people away . I think about dying very often nothing planned or concrete but the thought is there a lot. So much so that (like I mentioned in a different post) I feel like I am tied to railroad tracks and the train is coming. I cannot avoid the thoughts very well they just come at will and I cannot stop fixating on the idea. I just want to feel alright at some point its exhausting which only makes every thing worse Thoughts,Suicidal +21655,"I have had mental health issues for most of my life. I have always wanted to die but it never felt like the right time. Things always calm down for a bit but come back way worse. I seriously do not know how I will deal with everything once school comes back. More responsibilities, anxiety, panic,, worries, people, etc. I am just too much of what I should not be and too little of what I should. I fully do believe that nobody cares which at this point is fine. I feel so out of control with my own life due to my issues that it is exhausting to live. It never gets better",Suicidal +21656,I come home from a weekend spending it with my best friends then as soon as I go home reality of sad and depressing feelings kick in ans its hard to cope I just want to go back and stay there but I know they need space to so its hard to know what to do and its not like I just be like I miss you can I come back cos I feel as if I get way to much on peoples nerves by just existing around them I feel so alone at home with parents,Depression +21657,"my entire life consisted only of sexual violence and of dealing with the devastating psychological impact of it on me. there really has been nothing going on in my life other than that. I have been in & out of psych wards and treatment centers for the past 6 years or so. at this point, what sense is even there in continuing?",Suicidal +21658,"I am cutting myself because someone is not responding to me. I am crying, I fuckung hate myself. Why why why why why why why fucking why am I like this. I am a fucking asshole. The person that I am taking it out on is the person I like. Why am I ruining my life like this. Please help me Help",Depression +21659,I am 17...I have social anxiety from the beginning...I am half blood...so half of my family was abroad...i had to live with my uncle and aunt because of my studies...That social anxiety and living alone...these tings made me really depressed..i tried committing suicide..even hurt myself...Anyways...i got together with my family..my depression got a lot better...but 2 months ago my father committed suicide...I am really depressed now and my social anxiety is at its peak too...I have lost interest in everything...i cannot concentrate..my grades are falling...cannot enjoy life...i do not even want to hurt myself..it is like I am too lazy or do not want to anymore...I tried talking to my family once last year about my depression and they all said that it is just my age...Because of that I am confused now...i do not know whether i should get help or not...or should i just keep living like this..which i do not mind anymore...Anyways....thank you for reading...Have a good day.. .,Depression +21660,"My counsellor asked me an important question. ""Where do yourself at age 18?"", I thought for a moment and responded with ""I do not actually know"". She asked ""do you see yourself alive at 18 at all?"" And that is when it hit me, I do not, I do not see myself alive, at all.I am not suicidal. A recent look at my post on r/death will prove this, I just cannot imagine a future for myself. it is so hard to function. I fear death and life is insufferable, I am in a true state of pain here and now self harm does not even help, I am thinking of getting back into drugs because being alive is misery and death is terrifying. Help. I do not see a future at all",Depression +21661,it only seems to get worse and worse the meds do nothing. i do not understand why i was even born I am on the edge I am done,Suicidal +21662,"I have got no one to talk to, I want to scream, I am frustrated af, I have cried so much I cannot cry anymore, I am not sure if this is depression and if I am in the right community I am just angry at everything that is happening to me. I do not even know what to say at this moment everything just seems so heavy now. I am tired",Depression +21663,Today is another day that i will keep having mental breakdowns. I just keep crying. Trying to finish homework... But just memories... They keep haunting me... I do not have much friends to talk to. I do not want to bother anyone.... I should have shut up about this. No one likes it... I am so done with myself,Depression +21664,"In a previous post I talked about how I could not cry. I cried today. I have a new job. I excelled at first. I hold myself to high standards. I pride myself in my work.Well today just was not my day. Nothing was going right. I guess it was obvious that I was stressed out because one of my coworkers stopped me for a second and told me you are doing a great job. I almost bursted into tears right then and there. I took my 10 and spent it in the bathroom crying. It was a knees weak heavy chest kind of cry. It has been so long since I have been reassured that I am doing a good job. I was extremely relieved. Then everything went back to normal. Numbness, dinner binging and purging. Like it never happened. I cried today",Depression +21665,"I think this is the best approach I can have towards my suicidal tendencies. I can also admit I want attention, yes, I have to acknowledge that. I just feel so alone that it is hard for me not to try to remind that I am also here. I can be a decent person at times. Thank you for reading. I am not going to do anything but I really wish I had someone to talk to. Thank you.",Suicidal +21666,Constant urge to off myself. Been depressed 11 years it never fucking gets better despite your generic shit BS advice. Been rejected and unwanted by all women my whole life. I am scared I am going to turn into an angry incel or something. Lately I have been so damn lonely it hurts so much. I feel constant pain and it hurts so much. I truly think medication made me worse. I used to be more numb now medication makes me feel something but only more PAIN. No wonder suicide rates go higher on medication. Fuck big pharma. I hate life. I feel constant pain,Suicidal +21667,how much lorazepam or hydroxyzine is needed to die peavefullt i cannot live loke thks amymlre my dad keeps saying i should be dead by now if I am really suicidal and its allmy fault help,Suicidal +21668,"I am quite young and already in a deplorable state of health, and that is completely intentional Every single night I get wasted and smoke about 15 cigarettes, I have not played any sport in like 5 years. I am literally sitting all day on my gaming chair and when its 9pm I go out to get wasted with someshitty friends, go back home at 2pm, fall asleep miserably as I struggle to breathe properly, wake up, want to die, repeat.I have lost my parents trust countless times,I am completely immature and careless. It got to the point where my mom genuinely does not like me anymore, she is just so cold and insensitive every time I try to open up to her because of all the shit I made her endure when I was wasted : Tantrums, insults, damaged furniture, cops taking me homeThe worst part is that I am not even having fun when wasted, its a constant battle against my shitty urges, like the compulsive need to lie about everything, the compulsive need to tell my friends that they are the worst. I always end up having to apologize on something terribly cringe/inappropriate/nasty I said the day before, and I am drowning in shame every time I wake up because I know I said something awful or fucking bad. I cannot help it, alcohol always makes me say shit that Ill regret later. Last night something happened, I lied about something I should not lie about, my friends got crazy mad, It was a complete shit storm where everyone realized what a compulsive liar I was. In the middle of that I felt like I wanted to end it all and jump on the road to be ran over I hate every single aspect of my personality, I hate everything, why the fuck am I like this, I am nowhere near a good person, I have done nothing good in my life, I have learnt nothing, I have accomplished nothing, I have got friends who can debate on post-structuralism for hours and I cannot even open a book without getting bored out of my mind in seconds. I have got friends who enjoy their time, have fun, laugh together and I always feel the need to ruin everything with lies and maliciousness I feel like I cannot go on",Suicidal +21669,"I have never really been happy, always hated myself and I do not see what fruity words anyone has, I have no friends and I am not so naive as to think that the world is the problem, their ate terrible people in this world and even they find people. there is just something wrong with me. I was doing better when I got a boyfriend, he was not always the best bug at least I had someone who loved me. I said awful things to him and accused him of so much shit then told him I needed a break. I was terrified of being alone again, I knew I would not handle it. I thought about everything I said to him, everything I accused him of I realised I have been telling myself and i projected all that insecurity onto him and made him think hes a monster. I do this with all my relationships, this one was just really bad, I adore him so much. I tried to apologize for what I said but, not that he shot me down, he just did not respond. I think hes just had enough. The only person I had left and I treated him like shit. I feel despicable. I do not want to be those people who end it all because of a guy and I am not, I just placed my last hope on this one person and it is all gone and I have done this to myself. I am alone, the world is screaming to me it hates me and I do not blame it. I cannot treat people this way and I cannot be be on my own I cannot handle my thoughts anymore. One of the biggest reasons I never entertained the thought was because I thought it was a sure fire way to get into hell but after a little research I discovered it is a sin but it is not unforgivable. So I have planned it, a quick cut into my carotid artery and I will be gone within a minute. I just need to dedicate a little more time into getting productive or whatever so I can at least say I tried to get better. I cannot imagine feeling better",Suicidal +21670,"I make decisions without thinking and always fuck up no matter how hard I try always get yelled at and feel like shit. I do not want to be a live anymore but I can find the motivation to take my life. My dad has an iq of 152 and I am suppose to live up to that, he thinks I am smart he thinks that I am choosing to fuck up in school, at home, in everything. I want a meaning I want friends I am in a long distance relationship with a girl I have never seen her its been almost a year I love her so much and she is amazing but has manic depression. I hate all the hate in this world growing up in it. I do not want to walk this miserable planet anymore so goodbye..... I am done",Suicidal +21671,"Will it ever get better? Will i ever be cured or at least manage it to the point it is a background thing?I have been to therapy several times and taken different medications. This depression originated from things that have happened in my past, as i suffered a lot growing up in several different ways. Some of those things still affect me today, will i ever just get over the past?There have been periods I have felt better (but still depressed), however i always seem to go back to my same old miserable state.Nowadays I am in my 20s and my life is not even that bad, things have changed a lot for the better, but my brain does not seem to care about that.Is this a sign I am destined to be this way forever? Has anyone here been depressed for over 10 years and had things get better for them? I have had severe depression for over a decade, will I ever be cured?",Depression +21672,turning 20 in a week I have been hes ily suicidal since 16 and had experienced with it even younger i was always told it got better when it does not i have not felt real in weeks and I am fearing that after this point i will not be able to take it anymore i was lied to about improving my life is over and I am waiting to either die naturally or get the courage to kill myself my life is over,Depression +21673,Going to sleep crying at the thought of waking up crying do not let me wake up,Suicidal +21674,"When I was a ""gifted"" child, I was promised the future. The future is a load of shit. A father I never met but resent nonetheless, a mother who inadvertently destroys every path I lay out for myself, an autistic brother who has essentially become my child to raise in my mother's place, and a world of financial, physical, and psychological burdens dropped on my shoulders due to actions on others' behalves when I was still playing with Polly Pocket. At the age of 22 I juggle between my body cracking and aching every morning I wake up, a head is riddled with gray hairs, the money I make not being mine to spend, the college education I have been working on being extended from 4 to 5 years worth of debt due to my family, and serving as the acting mother of a 48 year old woman and a 14 year old impaired child. I only had three friends I truly cared for, but even their names and any records I had of them were lost to time. I kept living so my family will not have to mourn me, but I no longer have any reason to care about their feelings as they have failed to care for mine. The only thing I cannot leave behind is my cat. I adopted her in the midst of a depressive spell 3 years ago, and she is the only one that is been a source of comfort at every time I needed her. She certainly does not understand how crucial a role she played in maintaining my sanity, but to pay her back I want to ensure she lives a long, happy life. She is expected to die in 8 years, at which point I will be 30, my student debt, medical, and living expenses--as well as my family's--will control my wallet, and my body will be further worse than wear for the age. Whatever happens in these 8 years, I do not care. Love, success, joy--it is worthless striving for them when all my life I have pushed beyond my limits to achieve them only to fall flat at every turn. All I want is to repay my debt to a sweet calico with white paws and a kind of ugly looking face, and end the fucking misery I will have on my back once I am done. I Die When My Cat Dies",Suicidal +21675,"So failed 3 classes, (I think one of them being an exploratory) in 7th grade before was dealing with suicidal thoughts and I might be getting held back. I was fine in school until I told one of my friends about my thoughts and she threatened to tell the school counselors. I begged her not to because I was not ready and then I was called to the counselors office a couple days after that and my mom found out when I was not ready to tell her. It made my life a whole lot worse. It did not help that my girlfriend had broken up with me around February-March. I am very scared of getting held back all because I was not doing good with my mental health. I think I cried about a total of 7 times in the school year. I kept zoning out in class because of these thoughts causing intrusive thoughts and I did not do my homework due to lack of motivation, but I tried to do most of my classwork and I think I did pretty well on the big tests we had to take at the end of the year. But I am I am very terrified if getting held back because of my mental health. I need reassurance",Depression +21676,I tried to tie it and failed (just like everything else in my life) does this count as an attempt or am I just a dumb whiny bitch like always Does it count as a suicide attempt if I did not put the noose around my throat,Depression +21677,My head is so foggy. I stare into nothingness and I cannot keep a conversation going because it feels like my head is working really slow. I have no energy or motivation or positive thoughts. I feel like I have just wasted my whole life. I never feel like antidepressants helped me and I will never ever take them again. They were hell for me. They just kind of made me stop caring. And feeling things. But not solve my problems.I just feel so tired all the time and just stay inside most of the time. I do not know where my life is headed at all. I am getting a psychologist to talk to soon but I have no positive thoughts about it. it is hard for me to open up and most of the time I just stay quiet and do not really know what to say and my brain feels so foggy and I cannot focus at all and it is like this all the time and been like this my whole life almost. I feel like I am in this weird state where I feel like I am just there but not really there. Like a weird dream state. Detached from everything and feeling so weird and different. Quit antidepressants 3 months ago and I do not know how to deal with real life again. Is it withdrawals or a really bad depression coming back?,Depression +21678,"Was wondering if carbon monoxide is a painless way to rest. I have a pretty huge cabinet which I can go into and light some charcoal, it got holes but I can cover them up with some tape easily. I am asking here because I this is the first sub that I saw about suicide. I am afraid that it will fail and leave my brain damage, how can I prevent it from failing? is the probability of failing high with this method?Thanks hello guys. Is carbon monoxide a painless way to die?",Suicidal +21679,Took about 50 Benadryl and washed that down with some vodka. Sat in the bathtub for a while until I started to feel tired and took a knife to my thighs. Woke up in my bed to my dad telling me to i was late for work. Guess I blacked out and did not cut deep enough. Now I am seeing spiders and feel itchy. My eyes were bright red. I looked terrible. Suicide attempt 2 days ago,Suicidal +21680,"I do not know why. I feel terrible all the time and instead of opening up to friends or family I am rude and push them away. I think I just ended a friendship and it all feels so involuntary. I do not know how to control it anymore. When anyone becomes close at all I panic and just sink away and feel like I am drowning and I am sinking deeper and deeper into the suck. It feels like a leech sucking me dry. I cannot think clearly like I could before, I just have a fog and think about dying constantly. I do not know that I want to die but sometimes like I am tied to a railroad track and the train is coming. I just want to enjoy things and feel like a functional person. I think that I might be emotionally draining if I talk with friends or family. I want to feel better Why",Depression +21681,I grew up poor. Very poor actually. We were never able to travel for breaks or anything. Bologna sandwiches and noodles were common dinners and sometimes it was crackers and water if we were really struggling. One time we even went almost a year without electricity. I am 25 now and obviously I am still struggling with PTSD from those days. Sometimes I convince myself that maybe I would not hate life so much if I had money. Its stupid and I know money does not fix everything but dammit Id rather cry in a nice house with money in the bank than in a dark room in a house that is falling apart. I am dumb enough to think that my mental illnesses will be more tolerable if I had money.,Depression +21682,"It hurts. It hurts to be at the side of person you love with everything you have and you would give anything to make happy just to be met with coldness. It was a mistake to love them, and it was foolish to have told them that you loved them and would be there for them whatever was to come. To listen to them talk about getting some friends together to do something and never be invited and when invited they avoid you until it is time to pay. To put their happiness above your own well being just to be reduced to my friend when talking about it. To have explicitly told them that you Love them and want to build a relationship with them And to be so thoroughly rejected time and again and still loving them and trying to be there for them only to be rejected out of hand. I wish I was not so broken and I wish I could find a way to be worthy of them. All of this is painful and the most painful part is that I still Love them. I love them so much I would take a bullet for them and I am still not sure if that would be less painful than loving them or losing them. I just want this pain to end, at this point I am sure I am going to die alone so why wait? Why do I keep trying.",Suicidal +21683,"I am scared to get on meds, even though I know there is not many options left for me So I was wondering what is your experiences are. Is it worth it What is your experience with medication?",Depression +21684,"Alone in my thoughts, late at night My bipolar is getting the best of me",Suicidal +21685,"(14 year old M)I just want a reason to stay alive, i endlessly ruin things and dump my depressive episodes on my s/o and i will probably be the reason that something bad happens between us. Being depressed has made me say and do things that have ruined so many things and all i rly want is to be happy again. I just want to get something out of my life. I want to feel satisfied with my life. I want to be content. I want to be happy, yet, everything is seeming to fall apart right before my eyes.All i ever wanted was to be happy with her, but i ruined that. And now ill never be happy. Now I will never be able to be satisfied. My consciousness eats at me slowly driving me insane and suicidal and bad memories just play like repeating re-runs of every bad thing that is ever happened and how much it hurts and how much time has fucking passed seince i was happy. I do not even remember my childhood anymore and I am only 14 years old. Is this the reason I am supposed to be here? Am i only here to suffer and slowly loose my sanity until i finally get the courage to off myself? Do i want to of myself? Do i not? My brain is so fucking fragmented and so foggy and all my existence has come to is just trying to get to the next day, trying to survive this episode, trying to get the next hit, but i never get anywhere. venting, wishing i had a friend to talk to",Depression +21686,"I have always struggled with depression. Started freshman year of high school (2010) and its been getting worse ever since. Some months are perfecting fine, but when a wave of it would hit and I am crying myself to sleep or just staring at my phone. 11 years of this and the only reason I am still going is because of my dog. Only a few more years....I saw a ""it is get better post"" on Facebook when I was in high school. This women made a post talking about how she struggled in high school but now she is 25 and happy with a family. Well, I am 26, and I have no family. Just my dog. Originally thought it was my best friend and her family but after living them with 2 years, I realized I am at the bottom of the totem pole. ""If everyone is the problem maybe it is you."" I have had friends, but none tend to stay long. If I am not going to school or working with my friends then they are not my friends. For whatever reason when I leave a place those friends do not want to hang out anymore. Graduated High school? Those friends I do not talk to (though I see them post all the time on Snapchat together) My friends at my pervious job I now long talk to. (again see them post on snap together). I am going to be leaving my current job in a few weeks and I know it will be rinse and repeat. Again... is it me?I just want to know when it does get better? Because I do not know how much longer I have in me. When does it get better?",Depression +21687,"I have no one to really talk to anymore. I mean yeah I have my friends online but they are not even on too much anymore. The girl I was talking just stopped out of no where. I keep trying to distance myself from her because I know Ill get hurt the more I talk to her. But then I always find myself giving in and I answer her calls. I am too awkward to meet new people, even online which is really pathetic. I want to meet new people but I always have a fear that they do not like me and they just talk to me so they do not hurt my feelings. I just wish I knew whether or not people actually like me for me and do not think I am a worthless piece of shit. I am starting to feel alone",Depression +21688,"My partner works and I am meant to keep our apartment clean. They are very supportive of me being so down but it gets so messy sometimes we have problems with flies and mold and I just cannot bring myself to do anything about it,I know it makes them feel bad too.Typically at a point they will help me do one big clean then I will stay on top of it for a week or two then slip into feeling like shit again (I suffer from having very high points to very low points suddenly) and I have just not been able to shift this cycle. Same applies for personal hygiene, I can end up going a week or two without dressing/showering and it all adds up to feeling even worse. How to keep up with housework/hygiene?",Depression +21689,This life sucks and if it were for my religious belief that suicide sends you to hell I would have been long gone. Even though I am probably going there either way. My whole existence is not fair not only am I suffering in this life I got to suffer in the after life. Fuck everything. Sorry guys I have been hurting and just need to vent. Sorry for existing. Fuck this life,Depression +21690,"I moved to Utah about a year and a half ago. We went outside of the polluted city for the first time during the pandemic. We stayed for so long that it was pitch-black on the drive home. I looked out the car window and was able to see the entire milkyway, millions of stars and the bluish purple hues. I was so overwhelmed because it was my first time seeing so many stars. I felt like I was going to fall in to the sky. All I could think about since that was that I wanted to go out in the wild again and lay down and watch the stars all night. During some very tough days this past year, my boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do, he was ready to take me anywhere and make it happen just to see me happy again. I asked him to take me to see the stars again. Its so fucking cliche, I am so sorry but that is just what I really wanted. So he promised me. We never actually went. Whenever it comes up, its always either too expensive, too dangerous, I am not trying hard enough to plan it, hes not super interested in seeing it anyway etc. We have been wanting to go somewhere but everything is too expensive and not worth it. Yet he goes out drinking every weekend and ends up spending hundreds of dollars and gets trashed.Yesterday he was on the phone with one of his friends and his friend mentioned going to a popular camping spot (also popular star gazing spot) and within minutes they planned a trip to go the next day. I was in the room and could hear the entire conversation. They went out drinking to discuss the plans and I was not invited or even looked at in the face. I left his apartment and went home. I feel so betrayed and lonely. Am I overreacting? Maybe, but considering it was literally the only thing my depressed ass wanted to do, I think its okay to feel extremely upset and want to break up with him because I literally have no worth to him. I am not good enough to camping with for 1 night, not even good enough to be invited to the one thing I wanted to do. And if its another event I am always invited last minute and never have time to get ready and he complains that hes sick of explaining why I do not show up at events. I feel like hes just setting me up for failure and complaining to me about it. I had only one thing I was actually looking forward to this entire year and my boyfriend betrayed me",Depression +21691,"I feel so stuck. Like an imposter. I feel worthless and unmotivated for most of the time. And as if there is nothing in the future for me. Like everyone else is way better than me and I can never be good at anything. I have little energy for most of the days still I have some days of being okay and in most ways ""normal"". But the former take should again. But I often feel like I am doing all these to run away from stuff and am faking it Am I faking depression?",Depression +21692,Is NOT okI was with my partner for a year and I have been a victim of his ongoing tactics of manipulation and controlI just experienced over two hours of complete degradation Taking me to the darkest of mindsets Then second his children are home he wants to act like nothing happenedI feel so down Psychological Abuse,Depression +21693,"I am suicidal, now the fuck am i supposed to do. I am literally a child ,13, and want to already die so what am i supposed to do? I was born as a female and even tho I am still young and ""kids do not know what they are yet!"", i hate it, I have wanted to be a boy ever since i was six but at the same time some days i feel like a girl and it confuses me even more. I have had thoughts of killing myself for not being born as a male, these used to be rare but over the years I have just been thinking about it so much that i get the thought every day, and i do not know how to get rid of it. I have tried to tell others so i can get help but the only one who knows is my online friend and he keeps telling me to tell my mom but I am scared. My mom thinks that all kids my age are just looking for atenttion and i belive that if i even try to tell mom anything about me feeling suicidal she will just ignore it and think I am trying to get atenttion, same with my friends so i have no one i can talk about this to. I have been thinking since this is too hard to deal with for me that i should just kill myself and it will all be over but then i snap back into reality and realize what I am planning on doing and i just start crying. I also have tendency to over think everything and it does not make the situation esier and just makes me mad. I get super pissed off really easily and I have noticed that anytime anything goes wrong in my life i just start planning how i could kill myself since i do not want to deal with it.I have not seen my friends in a while since i stay awake the nights and sleep the days and every time i have a chance of hanging out with them I am scared to cuz i think they will just shit talk me behind my back. What should i do? I am suicidal and i do not know what to do",Suicidal +21694,"It seems like everyone around me always wants to do something, then as soon as they get done doing that they have to find something else to do. Where does it end? I do not want to do things all the time I just want to *be*. Even just for a day I want to spend it doing nothing in particular, just existing for a while. Ffs why cannot I just take a day off and ignore my life for a while without people bothering me and telling me I should go do something?I hate this so much. I get really lonely sometimes but I do not feel left alone. Like I do not hang out with friends that often but my family is always texting me, asking me for things, I know they do not mean me any harm but I hate it I do not see why everybody always has to be doing something",Depression +21695,"God I am such a disappointment and a loser. Just wish I had someone, or I wish I had someone that really cares about me. I have nobody, all my parents care about are grades; if those are good I am good if they are bad they see me as nothing. Turn 20 soon and I have done fuck all with my life. I am going to die alone. I feel like shit once again",Suicidal +21696,I hate loneliness. I hate it so much. Ffs. Like by nature I am a fucking failure. cannot even attract a woman even after years of working out and self improvement. Depression stole my soul. Ill be alone forever. To all the normies who say just be confident I dare you to be confident when you have 0 pleasure or happiness ever and no energy mixed with an ugly ass face and low iq with severe learning disabilities. Tf is life I really just want to die but I am too scared of death. Lifes the perfect hell. I am scared I am going to turn into one of those angry incels one day. I really am. Or I am just scared loneliness is going to make me do something bad to myself. I am so tired of life. Lonely and depressed :(,Depression +21697,"Someone sent me the following: Them: Everyone hates me and i hate myself I want to die I do not want to live I honestly have nothing in lifeAll i do is just mess up things and everything So i hate myself and hate my life I just want to die so i would not because any problems to everyoneMy response: it is a real shame that you cannot enjoy life. You are not ugly, you have friends, and I am sure the people close to you do not want you dead. I hope you feel better soon.Their response: Well everyone hates me so i honestly have nothing in life and someone called me ugly and i totally agree but you sayin' that is not true well it isMe: You are not ugly. And everyone does not hate you. If the people close to you actually do hate you (which they probably do not), then that makes them assholes.Them: Hm They have not responded, and its been around 30 mins. Should I say something else or what should i do? Help!",Suicidal +21698,"Been feeling real suicidal because I have no money, girlfriend, job, nothing and I cannot work due to my multiple mental disorders I am about to start seeing a therapist but I do not know if that will work Idk what to do anymore..",Suicidal +21699,"I feel like this is it. It will come when I have finally found peace with it. Ill clean my room, Ill get rid of everything I have written, made, burn all my art works, treat anyone I know with kindness, and kill myself. until then I am going to wait for something to make me angry enough to make it all happen I cannot make myself proud for once",Suicidal +21700,"My life is going nowhere. I cannot see myself happy in the future. I am a burden to my parents. Surrounded with assholes who just laugh and are glad that I am in pain. Told a friend about my mental state, next time I met him.... he was shouting/telling our conversation in a room full of people ( batchmates, juniors). What an asshole. I have sensed that some of my friends have just cut contacts with me ever since they came to know that I might take a step. I have one friend whom I tell everything, but every time I call him, it is about my mental state. I do not want to pester him as what choices I make, will not affect him, why it will. Nobody gives a damn about anyone.The things I used to enjoy, are not enjoyable any more. I do not think about how to make myself better. No goal directed actions. Short term motivation-only lasts for 1-2 weeks. I just cannot take it any more. I just want to break free from all this. Everybody I know just look down on me, like I am nothing. My friends, sheer assholes. I have cut all contacts with them. Sleep and awake, all changed. I sleep when ever I want, how long I want.Had a girlfriend, but she left me a year ago saying that I am a loser and I had no future. I was emotionally dependent on her, but she just shattered me emotionally. I am a sensitive person. I am too emotional. I am too friendly. I am looking for options to end my life. I just want it to be quick, painless.I have few high rise buildings near my residence. But only thing that stops me is my mother, I know she will be devastated. Hopeless,",Suicidal +21701,"I feel like I have no feelings or I just do not know what I am feeling like ever. I feel like I do not care about anything, everything just feels neutral like a nothingness but not an emptiness (which I have experienced during depressive episodes). I do not miss people or think about how much I love someone like ever, I see people being excited to see their friends or telling them how much they love them but I cannot relate, but I know deep down I care but it takes a-lot to harness that energy. it is like my body cares, but I cannot feel it? I cannot cry at sad or happy things it is like I am broken, I can manage to get teary eyed but it disappears quickly and I go back to feeling nothing. I see people going out of their way for loved ones or constantly catching up with friends but I do not care to do that. I genuinely feel kind of apathetic about everything, my dog died and I barely felt anything. I very rarely get an out-burst where I feel empathy for a situation but it disappears so quickly. I also do not care to do anything 'fun' for myself because I do not feel anything by doing activities, so I do not have hobbies or anything. I have been this way for years I cannot remember what it is like to not feel this way. I have had bad depressive episodes before but this is kind of my natural state of being. I have experienced a-lot of trauma in my life so I am not sure if that could have something to do with it. Am I depressed?",Depression +21702,"If I put charcoal briquettes on a frying pan and put it on a stove, will I die from carbon monoxide poisoning?please save yourself the trouble of telling me it is not worth it and answer my question charcoal suicide",Suicidal +21703,"just realized tonight that I am so desperate for validation that it makes me feel helpless... i just want someone to See me and acknowledge me and recognize that I am here and that I am struggling even though my issues are not as big as other peoples... i want it so badly i cannot even begin to describe what i want... i thought i just wanted attention but actual attention makes me feel exposed and raw like my skins gone, and i thought attention from a therapist would help but it just feels like its not scratching the right itch... it feels like my brain wants me to make up for 20 years of being ignored and pushed to the sidelines because i was too quiet and anxious and probably autistic to have any adults or teachers pay attention to me desperate for validation",Depression +21704,"Just venting here, I have nowhere else to do so..I have been constantly questioning my relationship over the past couple months and it is leaving me so drained. I can feel the depressive and angry thoughts coming back to me, even taking my medication. Half the time I am tired, sad and regretful, and the other half I am really angry and vengeful. All I want is to start breaking him emotionally, just like he is done to me, and I know I am getting colder and more distant to everyone everyday. I have not had these thoughts in years. All I want is someone to love me again, because I left the perfect relationship a year ago with a loving woman for one that turned into a clusterfxck I cannot escape. I even feel a bit of a spark for her again. I do not know what to do Bad thoughts",Depression +21705,"My step brother contestantly kicks me In the face and slaps me, but when I barely poke him with a flashlight to retaliate he calls me a bitch baby even though he is acting like a 3 yr old. It makes me depressed that no one agrees he needs with me about him needing to grow a pair and be made a man, but I am called a bitch when I barely mess with him, which usually results in me getting physically harmed by him, what do I do. Tldr: getting harassed and physically hurt by stepbrother and what do I do? (Btw he tells me occasionally how I am ugly and no one loves me which does not help me mentally) I am pissed",Depression +21706,I have suffered from pretty severe chronic pain for 5 years now and I just feel so tired. I have also been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for the last 2 years. When I first started dealing with my chronic pain I was still happy and optimistic because I thought there was a chance I could get better. But once I realized that the pain would last forever I have had a hard time getting out of the mental slump I have been in. The suicidal thoughts used to just happen occasionally but now they have become 24/7. I think about it every day. The only reason I have not killed myself yet is because of my parents but honestly lately I think they would be better off without me here. The main thing that helps me cope is writing songs and Id like to release some of the stuff I write because I think its actually not too bad. But I am even losing passion for that lately because I just feel so numb. I do not even know why I am writing this or if anybody will even take the time to read it but I do not have anybody in my life to talk to this about so I just thought Id rant here. I just feel so tired. I have been fighting a losing battle for 5 years and I just do not want to do it anymore. I do not want to die but I want the pain to stop and honestly I do not see any other way. Chronic Pain. I am tired,Suicidal +21707,"I do not know what to do anymore. I withdrew from school back in February on account of having a sort of mental breakdown, in which my mental health tanked and I became severely depressed and anxious and was afraid to leave my dorm room. I became obsessed with my academic success, my friends well being, and my cleanliness to the point where it came before anything else in my life. I did not eat, I barely slept, and my intrusive thoughts began to take control of my brain. I was constantly dissociated, paranoid, and I had began to convince myself if I purged myself of everything I owned and cut off my arms I would finally be free of the burden of existence. I just could not stop thinking about much room and space I took up. I eventually had to withdraw to prevent academic failure, and I have been home since.In the past couple months, I have been seeing a nurse practitioner and a therapist once a month or so, and I have tried various medications but nothing has been really working for me. My nurse practitioner suggested that I should try intensive therapy instead, as it might be more successful helping me with my problems.School is coming up in August, and I have signed myself up for classes, secured an apartment and even a job, but I am no where near the mental stability I need to be to go back to school. I thought I would be ready by now but I am not. I have tried explaining this to my parents, but I am met with toxic positivity and their usual explanations or solutions for my mood (ex: hormones, ""that time of the month"", bad habits, not exercising, not trying hard enough to get better, needing to change the way I think, needing to stop my bad thoughts, changing my diet, etc.), and it is like talking to a brick wall. I am slowly losing my mind. Living with them just reminds me of how alone I feel and how inadequate I am to my younger sibling (they have a license and a job and friends, where as I have neither). I have slowly began to plan towards the end of the month, which is when my drivers test is, is that if I do not pass, I will kill myself. There so many more unlisted issues I have been dealing with that are not on this post and to simply fail at yet another thing might send me over the edge. I feel like no one is listening to me even when i tell them in detail what is wrong. I do not know what to do. I just want to fade away and no longer have to deal with the burden of existing. I might actually do it this time",Suicidal +21708,"The goalpost just keeps moving further back, and it seems no less far away than it did years ago. First it was being so depressed in high school that I could barely hold back tears every day, and the counselor telling me college would be better. Then in college, I would go to class, go to work, and spend the rest of my time laying in bed being sad because I had nobody to talk to. Currently I am living at home and spend almost all day laying in bed. Now I am off to grad school in a month and I have no reason to believe anything will change. Why is it all so lonely? How long before I can find someone who cares, before I can have lots of friends and a job I do not hate and actually have some control over my life? Why even keep trying? Happiness and a good future is like running to the light in a tunnel that never ends",Suicidal +21709,"For over a week now I have felt AMAZING after a torturous 3 months. I am on 10 mg lexapro (did not help at all) but recently my doc started me on 75 mg bupropion, and this stuff is INCREDIBLE. It has made all the difference for me. Just wanted to share Antidepressants. Are. Fucking. Magical.",Depression +21710,This has started to happen to me quite a bit in the past year due to job demands increasing and feeling like things are my fault that are out of my control.I will start crying because of work stress/frustration then all of a sudden I begin laughing like a madman and its uncontrollable. I have this extreme urge to drive my head through the wall. Does this happen to anyone else? Crying from Stress then uncontrollable laughter?!,Depression +21711,"it is started, I have my goodbyes written and the plan is set. I am kind of nervous, not because I am afraid of what happens after, but if it will hurt. I am also a little sad that it will hurt others, but I cannot do this anymore. I am literally surrounded by memories of what I had before and it feels like I never have any relief from how fucked everything is. I cannot really sleep and when I can I just have nightmares now and can only sleep for a few hours. I cannot live like this anymore. it is been over 3 months now if constant anxiety and suicidal thoughts and I am so tired. First steps are done.",Suicidal +21712,"I know being gay does not necessarily mean I will never be in a happy relationship but it seems like the odds are against me because I have no social skills. When I am around strangers I get so panicked that I cannot think and I end up acting like a robot. When I am around people I know I try so hard to be funny that I end up seeming fake and annoying. I have been trying to stop being like this my entire life and nothing has fucking worked, all my previous friendships or relationships either ended extremely quickly or they were only spending time with me because they were so toxic and shitty that no one else would put up with them. I only have one friend left now and he is been talking to me less and less and every time I ask to hang out, he ignores meWhen I thought I was bi, I figured I had some sort of chance because men usually like me (partially because men intimidate me so I am a pushover) but I have never ever been good at talking to other girls. I tried a lesbian dating app last year just to talk to people but I embarrassed myself so bad and left so many girls on read because of my anxiety that I do not think I can show my face on there again. I do not have fantasies about getting a girlfriend anymore because I cannot even imagine a situation where I could get a girl to like me.I know I do not need a relationship to be happy but the world just keeps getting worse every year and I am not good at anything and nothing makes me happy, if I was not so alone I mgiht be able to survive it but I cannot. Sorry my writing is shit I am way too tired to make any of this make sense. I am a lesbian and I think I am going to be lonely forever",Suicidal +21713,I am 20 just going through life realizing that I am such a fuck up. Alot of my peers are getting into relationships and internships. Meanwhile I am a loser who fails classes cannot talk to anyone and just wants to stay home. I am such a burden I just want to leave my family and friends because I cannot imagine that I bring them any joy. I just sit there whenever were together no one asks me anything and I just do not talk because when I do I sound like a fucking moron. So I just sit there and zone out. I just feel like no one would notice if I was gone until they needed something from me. I just want to go away so they can be free from me and I will not be able to burden them anymore. Why do I keep fucking up,Depression +21714,"Yes I am jealous of good looking people. Yes I know it is vein. I hate everything about my body and how I look. I am always going to be the ugly duckling, or at best, a 'slightly below average Joe'. I get looks of people feeling sorry/embarrassed/ disgusted at me. But hey at least I am ""a genuinely nice guy"". I have absolutely zero confidence. I always feel inferior to better looking people, even if they fall behind me in other areas. I feel like I am not even worthy to be in their presence. People who say beauty is only skin deep are just kidding themselves. Good looking people get so much more in life. A lot of little things throughout their lives that add up. They just have that natural confidence, which is hard to fake. This just makes them even more attractive. Who wants to be with an anxious and insecure guy? This manifest into all areas of life, not just dating/sex, but also at work and other areas. Thank God I can now wear a face mask and it is no longer weird. For once, I would love to hear someone comment that I am hot/handsome/sexy. No one turns around to check me out. And I do not blame them, I would not either. My friend is really good looking and a personality that just attracts people (we are gay, not a couple). He always got guys wanting to go out with him, wanting to do things for him, flirting with him etc. No one flirts or smiles at me. In fact, I know they are thinking why does my friend even hang out with an unfortunate like myself (we have been friends since school). I always wonder what it is like being a porn star and being hot and confident with your body, and wanting to show it off to other people. I envy them. I really do. I am cursed to live out the rest of this retched existence being one of the millions of 'uglies' (no offence to ugly people), and I cannot stand it. I could win lotto tomorrow, and I still would not be happy. Yay, I am a millionaire, but I am ugly. Being ugly or unattractive is the worst curse to have in this life",Depression +21715,"I had intentional overdose on my antidepressants a few months ago. After released from psychiatric inpatient, I stopped taking my new antidepressant because I thought I do not need it and tried to focus on my life, and getting a new job, and I have started a new job since last month. My depression was on and off and today it hit me so bad. I had thoughts of overdose all day and could not stop thinking about taking a bottle of my unused antidepressant pills and sleeping. I know that there is a very low chance of die with taking my pills but I cannot stop thinking about taking the pills. It is not suicidal because the chance of die with taking 100 mg of Lexapro is low. Why do I have this overdose thought? What do you name my behavior?",Depression +21716,I just think its a funny coincidence so I wanted to share. Lmao my mom got me more pills today. She does not know I want to od tho,Suicidal +21717,"I am usually the designated ""quirky"" friend, but honestly I have grown so tired of that. A part of me does feel bad for the people around me since they expect me to be always positive, but I genuinely do not have the mental capacity to be happy right now. I do not feel like being the cheerful, happy-go-lucky person anymore",Depression +21718,"Such an awful feeling. I try to change. I have been trying to change. Rode a bunch of rollercoasters yesterday, but I still feel so awfully numb. I feel so tired. When its on a Sunday, its like its telling you that it will repeat again and again and again and you cannot do anything about it It gets so much worse on a sunday",Depression +21719,"My bank account is empty. I cannot afford cigarettes, or drugs to make me feel anything. So I started cutting again. I am off my parents insurance next year so even if I do not kill myself soon, I guess not being able to afford my meds will. I would just rather not die homeless I guess. I have no job, no higher education, huge gaps in my resume that have fucked me over trying to get a job. I need to spend egregious amounts of money on my medicine just to survive, and drugs just to want to. Well now I cannot afford either. Maybe if I could afford therapy I would feel better. There is just no reason to keep living Chronically ill and poor",Suicidal +21720,"I should just ignore my depression, it is not like its that is big of a deal Famous last words",Suicidal +21721,I am depressed. I just am. No context required. I am depressed.,Depression +21722,"i do not know how to be an adult, i do not know how to be a normal person. I have been planning to move out of my moms house for college for about a year now, and three days ago i finally did. nothing seems to be going that well. i do not have a place to live and i do not have a job. the passenger side of my car is damaged, idk how it even happened. if someone hit it or i hit it and did not notice. shit like this makes me feel so helpless and every time anything bad happens my first instinct is to kill myself it sounds so much better than any of this. i do not want to have to deal with anything. and i feel feel selfish. why do i get special treatment? why do i get an easy out when everyone else has to deal with the weight of living? i do not want to work and i do not want to go to fucking college. i do not care if i sound like a freeloader. i do not understand how i can possibly live with all of my thoughts and all of my mental problems and still be expected to do things in order to survive. i just do not understand. all i want to do is focus on things i love. i want to do nothing but watch anime and listen to music and masterbate and practice drawing. i have a lot of passion, and i hate myself and i know I am not that good at anything but if i was just able to focus on making myself feel better and discovering what i love then id be okay. god i just need more time, i need a year or two to find myself. but i cannot just leave and go back home, not without an excuse. my mom is a paranoid drug addict and my dad is an alcoholic, and they would be disappointed in me. at least my dad would and i do not know why it matters but it does. my friend is counting on me because we were supposed to do all this college shit together, and if i leave now then all of our plans are down the drain. if i tried to kill myself two things would happen 1) it would work, and that is that. everything will be over, i will not have to worry anymore. 2) it would not work. and id then be the fucking idiot who tried to kill herself the third day of living on her own and had to go back and live with her mom. I am fine with either one really. if i do not die I am going to be so fucking depressed but at least ill be back home and then i cannot do my favorite thing; be mindless and numb to my own life, wrap myself in the simple things i enjoy too much. at least i can see what happens in jujutsu kaisen lmao. but in case i do die there are some things i want to do, and its so stupid really. i want to see black widow and finish attack on titan. i want to read some fanfic for a manhwa i just finished. maybe get jack in the box too lollll. there is so much music that I have wanted to listen to though. i hope in the next life ill be able to do all the things i was not able to in this one. not sure. if i do not decide tonight then tomorrow maybe. all i do is because problems for myself and burden other people things are too overwhelming, i cannot handle anything",Suicidal +21723,"going to drink alcohol, take a obscene amount of melatonin tablets to hopefully numb me out and then hang myself with my belt. idk I have kind of come to terms with it. there is no point being here.I spent hours last night clearing out my phone and am contemplating deleting my vents in my notes, I do not want anyone to blame themselves although they do play a part in me feeling shitty.I just want to be gone.there is nothing for me here. it is funny I am not scared of the act of dying or what comes next.it does not feel real, the idea of me even doing this does not feel real. Maybe when I am doing it I will feel alive before I pass out from lack of blood supply. I am not doing anything special my last week here, just going through the motions. going to do it next weekend.",Suicidal +21724,I want to get away from my family because I feel like that is the only way I can feel at peace but at the same time I feel too ugly and weird to go out and be independent so I am stuck being dependent on my mom. I feel too weak to survive in this world like I never should have been born. Everyday I just stay in my room wasting my life away but I feel too disgusted at myself to go out. I wish I could experience life being normal. I have no real life experience so I do not even know where to start and I honestly have no motivation to live or do or learn anything. I hate my family so much I feel like if I got along with them then my life could have been happier but they are so different from me so that makes me feel even lonelier like everyday is just so pointless. I could never be truly happy but at the same time I am not sure I want to die. I suck at writing but I just do not know where else to say all this. I am just so lost Idk what to do with myself,Depression +21725,I do not feel like I was ever meant to live. that is why none of this ever made me feelthe past was a lie. If it was truth it would have stayed but nothing does. Me being here is a lie which is why all I can do is distract myself.Why no amount of pain has ever driven me to change bc I knew all of this was ultimately worthlessliving is just playing pretend and all I can do is distract myself There is no better,Depression +21726,"They were so attractive to me. I loved them obsessively. It was not love, it was passionate obsessive desperate lust. I would have done anything to touch their pale pink body. I longed desperately to taste them. To tie them up, lick, and kiss their back slowly. I would make love to them. Breathe heavily I to their ear. Thrust my fingers inside them, lick and suck the juices off. The sound of their moans if pleasure sent my spiraling. I wanted to hear them cum so hard they began to cry, cough, and gag. I wanted to see their eyes roll back into their skull and watch their legs go numb from over stimulation. I wanted to force my tongue deep inside their anus and the slide it on just to lick, tease, and edge their puss for hours.I wanted every inch of them. I would have sucked their toes if they let me. it is maddening. I wanted a cock just so I could fuck them. It was the first time I understood penis envy. I would imagine myself getting hard and watching them stroke their clit and drip with desire, begging to get penetrated. Desperately widening their legs and panting like a dog breathing heavily with those sexy pink plump lips of theirs. I could barely take it. They drive me insane. I needed to touch them. To hold them. To kiss them. I felt like I would die if I could not have a single taste. I did not care if they did not love me. I did not care if they did not want me. I thought about them ever day. Every second. I still think about them. I am salivating just thinking about tasting them. The universe is without mercy. I miss those lips, above and below your belt. I feel like dying. Is it wrong to long for someone so hopelessly? I fell In love with an FBI agent",Suicidal +21727,"I have wanted to die for a long period of my life but the truth is is that I am actually terrified to die and i think I tell myself I want to die to make myself think I am not afraid of deathI'm not really sure who I am , I constantly need to be around others who give me some sort of insight of who I am in order to feel like myself. Because I really have no idea. I could not tell you what I like or what I do not like I am constantly anxious , scared , worried , sad but I always tell people I am okayI tell people okay because I do not feel that I deserve any empathy or sorrow. I have zero confidence in myself. I usually end up quitting my job because I do not think I do good enough at work or even deserve to make money to take care of myself. I am addicted to nicotine , alcohol and adult films on the internet. I do not necessarily really know how I am actually feeling all the time, sometimes I think I am not actually awake or alive even. I broke up with my ex because I thought she deserved better. I hate being alone, but only because I like being alone when i should not be. A dream of mine since I was a kid was to be known , to have some sort of legacy but I honestly do not think I will ever achieve that. I tell people I do not believe in God when I actually do but think that I am not worthy of a God. I am struggling with identity crisis. But I have zero motivation to solve this problem. I am constantly unmotivated when it comes to things that are good for me , but when it is bad for me I will stop at nothing to get it. I put myself in shitty situations because I like pain and think it is all I deserve. I constantly seek affirmation from others when really what I want is to feel comfortable in my own mind and body. I was molested when I was five years old. I have ADHD.I am afraid that when I die , people will forget about me within a couple days. these are a few things I have been dying to get off of my chest",Depression +21728,What do you think is the most painless way to commit suicide? Off the top of my head for me is OD Ideas anyone,Suicidal +21729,"Wish there was an easy way out of this world or life. I am amazed at how some people can quit their jobs and get up and go somewhere far and new. I am stuck literally and figuratively in a rock and hard place in life. Cannot move, no job skills to find new employment. I see myself working until I am dead trying to afford a room in some house. No love life ever. Fat, ugly, dumb, pathetic. When I see people with their stuff together and in a relationship I wonder why them and not me. I cannot even kill myself right. I collect fountain pens and sometimes I want to stab myself in the neck or heart. Whenever I write its always sad and depressing. I think I hate myself more than anything in this world really. I hate being me, hate being gay, hate being alive. So many people are able to end their lives so why cannot I? Wish there was an easy way",Suicidal +21730,"Have you ever wondered ""Am I suicidal or just sad?"" if you did,here are the answers.If your suicidal,You:Hate Yourself;have suicidal thoughts or even self harm.If your sad,You show none of these symptoms. Are you suicidal or just sad? :(",Suicidal +21731,"I tired living the healthier life. I fell from grace once again. Again and again. I cannot stand this eternal loop I am supposed to live with. I have got to convince myself again and again, ""it is not worth it, do not do it, you have so much to live and fight for!"" But those feelings always come back, and I AM SO TIRED of dealing with them. Again and again. And do not tell me that ""things will change it will be alright!"" no. they never will be. it only gets worse.I am a very introverted person, and I have no friends at all, especially during covid. So all i can do...Is scream inside my head. And these screams are so annoying, but I let it happen because nothing really matters anymore, I have become numb. Sooner later, something is going to free me right? I cling to that tiny piece of hope so I hold on everyday.The only thing that makes sense is that nothing really matters. I wish I had someone to tell me that this is not the end of the world, but it is so hard to believe words at my state. Nothing really matters, does it?",Suicidal +21732,"I mean I have cried over you, I have hurt and sometimes, it kind of does, like a pinch, when i remember you are ignoring me after everything we did together. Our firsts. But you are young, were both young, maybe i should have saw this coming. I should have known you having a dream of us having a family was not as deeply meaningful as i wanted it to be. You cannot even bother to say hi back anymore and when you do its short responses. Shorter and just different than how you used to not that long ago. I do not think I am dumb, i know you are avoiding me. I just wish you would tell me you want some distance or something. Is it because i told you I am getting help? Do you just want to avoid me until I am better? Why did not you do that before i gave you head. When i told you my traumas and how I have been having episodes. But its whatever. I am probably looking too deep into something that was probably surface level to begin with. I do not feel that much over it now. I do not feel much over anything. My cat is sick and after four days of no drinking or eating she finally wants to again, but i still feel nothing. Maybe anger towards my mom for how she is abusing her but not much else. I cried but it does not hurt, it just happened. I just wish i had some kind of support through this. I would like to think i deserve some kind of support when I am making my efforts to get better and begin recovery. I mean i just had to lose my first job too on shit terms because of my health. But I am alone. I am always alone. Its that from birth until death. Always alone. I hope this time I am coming to terms with it. Maybe i will not even say anything to my doctor next month. Maybe ill keep it the way its been and then i can kill myself. I do not have support for me getting better and i do not feel like i deserve help in the first place. What was i thinking. Jesus fuck Just numb i guess, i do not know",Suicidal +21733,People like me have suicidal thoughts frequently if not every single day. No one puts enough effort into preventing suicide. I have called the hotline before and honestly they left me helpless after the 10 minute minimum each call was up. I am broken myself but I would do anything to make a fucking difference. You want to show you care then start with actually caring. This world is filled with selfish people. We should care for each other. They can do MORE to help. All you have to do is fucking care. Just be there. I am going to start my own organization to help prevent suicide because I do not want others that feel as I do to act on it. I feel so damn empty but i refuse to leave without helping others it is NOT Enough!!,Suicidal +21734,I have lots of people in mylife that love and care about me but i still feel empty and alone every day i wake up. I feel hopeless and lost. I feel afraid and trapped in my mind. I dread waking up everyday and i wish something out of my control would just kill me already. I hate being alive and I am miserable everyday i live. I want to live and see the world because it has so much to offer but not like this. I feel guilty for wanting to die because there are other people that want to live but cannot. I hope my family will one day understand why i did it and will hopefully forgive me because they will acknowledge the pain i was going through. Feeling very alone right now,Depression +21735,"Last year a coworker jokingly asked me where do I see myself in the next five years. I was honest with him, and told him I am not going to be alive by then.I am currently 27, did my first attempt when i was 21. And ever since, while I have discovered things that temporarily distract me, i do not look forward to anything, really I am tired of pretending, I have worked exploitative jobs to help around the house, because my self esteem simply sabotages me from taking a big leap, career wise. I know I will mess up in my first try. To be honest, i regret choosing the career i have. Not once brought me joy. But i do not think anything else would have either way.I regret paying for braces. What for? I am going to end up dead anyway. Stupid, painful expensive procedure. I feel even worse knowing my mother paid for it, and I am going to waste it when I off myself. Same for school, same for keeping my long hair, same for trying not to drown in rum, which does bring temporary peace when I am drunk.I have a very faint fantasy of finding my other half. But it is very faint, because who in their right mind would even consider tolerating me by their own free will. I would like to marry, wear a pretty dress, I would like it red, i think it will suit me. But again, at this age, with all this burden, why do i even imagine that. I would like to do many things, but I will be wasting somebody is else time. I feel like I am in still water. Just floating by. Waiting for an opportunity to end it all in another city. Maybe i lied, that is probably the only thing I look forward to. Thank you for reading. I do not do long term plans",Suicidal +21736,25 years old with literally nobody in my life. I keep cutting social ties because of anxiety and depression. Ill probably waste my entire youth away to my mental health. Ill never have a girlfriend or a best friend to do things with. At least I have myself I am severely depressed and alone,Depression +21737,"My friend left. It was hard and eventually I accepted it and told him I was going to be okay without him. But I lied. He was the one I showed all my sides to. Including my emotional ones. The pressure is building and I feel like I am going to explode. I have been walking around brain dead, calling old toxic friends, reverting back to sleeping all day. I am spiraling. I have made it impossible for me to contact him because if I explained to him what has been going on since he has left and he still did not care I would break even more. I lied",Depression +21738,"Please I do not want to hear the do not do it etc. I would just like some tips for things to make sure I do not leave something out. I am going to write it to my partner, siblings, parents etc. they have not necessarily treated me well but I am going to let them think its just stuff I was dealing with, I do not want them to think I am upset at them or anything, idk I do not know how to explain it but I just want to make it as least painful to them as possible. I cannot figure out how to word things because on the inside I am so so upset about things people did but there is no point in them thinking I died being upset at them you know? what do I say? any tips? I do not know if I am going to go through with this all right away but i feel closer and closer to it. also thank you to this redditt group it has made me feel less lonely. I was wondering if I could possibly get help writing suicide notes?",Depression +21739,I broke a friends vape pen by being stupid when I thought I was surprising my partner with it when they got off of work. Only for the pen to no longer work. My friend is not mad at me but I hate myself for being a fucking waste. I still do not know why I do not just kill myself so everyone is better off without me ruining things. So I fucked up again,Depression +21740,I tried throwing up afterwards and even ate a lil. I drunk some milk and water. Now I got chills. Pls help me should I go to the hospital or wait it out.? I just thought I would be sleepy the chills are the worse. I do not want to go to a mental clinic again it was annoying. Will the chills stop or should I go to the hospital. I took 6 or 8 ibuprofen pm pain reliever,Suicidal +21741,"it is hard to walk through all the places that your life used to be inSo you thought you would she would a layer, maybe try on some new skinYour friends are all imaginary, your shrink stopped answering her phoneSo you decide to make incisions at your home while you are alone, all aloneBut you are no tailor, you are no surgeon, none of your cuts go very straightEvery new layer you uncover reveals something else you hateAnd then you cracked your head, and broke some bonesAnd when you glued them back together you found out you did it wrongBrand New, ""Same Logic/Teeth"" Cutting myself due to stress and depression.",Depression +21742,"My fiance [F24] cheated and left me [M24] on April 6th of this year. I thought going out with friends would help, but they just all got drunk and made me mother hen them while my drinking made me more sad. My friends are not there for me, dating is impossible in the boondocks, and my job pays shit all. I just want this all to end. My life is over, and I should have died when she left me. 4 years of my life... Gone. My entire life... Gone. No car, had to move back into my parent's place, and the only thing she left me was my cat. I fucking hate this. I hate women for taking all these things from me. Why do people hurt others like this? I think I will be shooting myself tonight when I get home, because life is truly not worth living when no one cares. Even friends are not the answer.",Suicidal +21743,About to eat a whole bottle of pills Welp,Suicidal +21744,"I am tired of this dysphoria; wanting to be born in a different body. I am tired of hating my scars but I would not have had to cut myself if this world was not so shitty. I am tired of feeling responsible for my mothers death. I am tired of these flashbacks. I am tired of having so many triggers. I am tired of being constantly dissociated; I feel non-living, I wish that was true. I am tired of being scared all the damn time. I am scared of worrying about being happy because what will happen next. I am tired of these attachment & abandonment issues. I am so tired of.. everything. I am tired of this.",Suicidal +21745,"I just want everything to finish. I cannot do this any more and I cannot even get the guts to do it. I tried to hang myself last year and I could not handle the feeling. I have tried to do it twice this morning I cannot even get it done.I have a better plan to use nitrogen, and I am scared that I will not be able to pull out. The mother of my kids has fully shut down on me. The only thing I have to leave for us her and the kids, and I do not have that. I have had two goes are trying to kill myself this morning and cannot even do that.",Depression +21746,I am just surviving everyday feels the same nothing in life brings me joy even music does not make me feel anything anymore I do not even know why I am still living it used to be so I did not hurt the few people I actually care about with my death but now I just feel like I annoy those people or I am a burden to them I do not even feel like I am living anymore,Suicidal +21747,"that is all I get! what will it be this time? Ruin my life, be miserable, or drink bleach?",Suicidal +21748,I cannot buy a gun. The trains have not run here in almost 30 years. Pills probably will not work. do not want to hang myself and be in that much pain. What am I supposed to do? I cannot do it.,Suicidal +21749,I received my RN NCLEX results yesterday. I passed. I am a licensed registered nurse now. I have spent four years working my ass off for this. The problem is that I am fucking tired. I am 22 years old. I have been diagnosed with depression since 15. First time I tried to kill myself I was 12. My anxiety will not stop. The self hatred will not stop. I am engaged to someone who I think hates me half of the time. Someone who does not seem to think I am enough for them. And they are all I have. I am scared to death to actually be a nurse without supervision. I hate my body. I barely eat because of that. My body hurts constantly. My bones ache. I am always fatigued.I know I am rambling but I am just fucking exhausted with feeling this way. It never stops. I am already on meds and it does not seem to help. I have tried everything. I just want to rest. Please tell me that it gets better I cannot do this anymore I have reached my dream and I still want to die,Suicidal +21750,"Hey all, Sorry if this is long, I am really needing an outside point of view and advice here (before I lose my mind) and I have never spoken before about this to my friends. Mostly because I am embarrassed and have never seen or heard about any of there parents being like this.I am in my mid 20s, still live at home due to an unfortunate relationship breakdown (found out he was cheating and left me for someone else) I have been diagnosed with moderate anxiety and depression which family and friends are also unaware off My mum and dad seem to be fine 75% of the time, however for 1-3 days every few weeks it is the most toxic environment to be in. I cannot work out why or howMy mum suddenly will go all cold and funny and not speak to my dad, my dad works 6 days a week, long hours and good money, its like maybe it is not enough.This morning I wake up to an argument with my mum and dad saying I worked all of Saturday I came home and was so ill and felt really dizzy at work and fell asleep to rest and mum saying you just lay in bed all day My dad then shouts things like why are you being funny with me I do not know what I have done, please tell me what I have done wrong and why you are acting like thisThen I overhear my mum has thrown his belongings on the floor and dad say you can be a real cow sometimesThen he comes into my room and says morning. Fantastic Then half an hour later comes back and says I feel great going for an injection today after your mum has been a witch, you know your mum can be a real bitch sometimesThen comes back and says to me is it me, its like she hates me then I hear him saying I do not know why you would ever want to get married, its fucking horrendousAnd now they have both left the house and I have no idea where each of them go.Then it stays like this for another day or two of hostility from both of them.Then my dad texts me messages upset venting.Its been like this for years since I can remember in my childhoodEvery 3rd,4th weekend is like this.it will be a new issue every single time I try not to take sides but part of me thinks my mum uses my dad as a punching bag, he buys her new flowers every week ect.But my mum must be like this for a reason and whenever I try say what is the problem she gets arsey with meIts actually getting to the point where I already am fighting my own battles and this is like enoughIm sitting in my bed crying about how every single aspect of my life has problems and cannot go right Advice or suggestions would be honestly so helpful right now because I have no idea what to do with this anymore Toxic Family Life?",Depression +21751,I am suffering from depression and anxiety issues from past 4 months.. have not seen any major improvement yet ... The worst part is I feel like I am burden to my family both financially n emotionally I just do not want to express anything anymore I do not want to worry them anymore ... But the more I try to keep it to myself the more it feels like I m suffocating.. I m just tired of this life do not know what to do anymore Help,Depression +21752,hahahahwkendkanwns how the fuck do you reconcile with getting your savings drained hahahaha I wasted a whole year working.....all I have been doing for the last 8 months is wallowing and never going outside hahshsbsbhs I should have hung myself and slit my wrists hahahahaha I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +21753,"I just really feel like everything I do, something wrong happens. And its not something that I can overlook or hope I can push through it. Its always something that completely stomps me from doing anything until the issue is resolved no matter how time consuming or stressful. I am really tired of living like this Life",Depression +21754,I feel so lonely. it is like my home is flooding with water and I am gasping for my last few breaths. I do not know if I can swim to the other side but I am trying to survive for now. Lonely,Depression +21755,"since when i was 14 (I am 17) I realized something was wrong with my family, they were realy rude, have very high expectations on me and they were manipulative (also they just teach to repres my emotions). while growing up, this situation got worse but i had a escape, school n friends. Sadly i finish school 6 months ago, with the pandemic i broke, also my parents put more pressure on me, they need more grades n more housework.the last few months have been pure pain for me, i cannot reach they high expectations, also they started so insult me. When i finally talked to them, (i was crying) i explained to them how they behavior affected me and i need therapy. My parents just stared at me,then laugh at me and say i only need to control myself. I cried for hours after that.Now I am hopless about my situation, i just cannot do nothing, i start to consider self harm, i cannot move till 21 (they pay my university and i love my career, i study Music), i know I will get better but i just cannot take another day with my family, i want to die , i cannot make it for another day, i just want this to end. My parents denied me therapy, I am really depressed and i do not know what to do",Depression +21756,"Just had a fun night with friends. I had alot of fun and we drunk and hung out for hours. Now I am home, sad, lonely, and feel like a burden to everyone. I have always struggled with silence (I hate it and have to fill it) and I definitely talk too much and over insist on sharing my opinions.here is the thoughts I jotted down before making this post:I talk too muchI share too muchI push my opinionsI do not accept social ques (to shut up) I always NEED to air my realizations/observations I am not confident in my opinions I am not confident in my social skills When I get home, alone, and analyze my behaviour I want to die (kill myself) I feel like everyone tolerates me and would be happier if I was deadI imagine them upset if I died and either feel validated by their sadness or... pained by how relieved they would be to have me gone. Anyone else feel this way? I do not know what to do. I desperately need to socialize and miss my friends when I do not see them. But everytime I socialize with my friends I go home to these feelings. It almost feels worst than sitting at home doi g nothing, alone and with no one. I do not know how to keep going on like this. I do not want to be alone... But these feelings scare the fuck out of me and I literally want to die to make them stop... I am at a loss and do not know how to keep going on like this.I love my friends. they have never indicated that I annoy them (but I feel as if I KNOW I do) I am ADHD and absolutely cannot stop myself from talking as soon as I let me guard down. I do not know how to continue living like this... Depressed after spending time with friends",Depression +21757,"Probably not the best place to look for help but I am going ti be selfish and attempt to validate myself. Wife cheated on me (online not physically) and we are trying to stay together. Stupid yes ik. But after it happened I have just been really hostile and easily annoyed by her. Really snappy and kind of rude sometimes. The other day she asked to get a dido and I said ""why do I not please you"" she said ""sometimes"" and j then I left for work and when I was distant she asked what is wrong. I said it hurt what she said and she said she only said it for attention. Then yesterday she was watching guys on YouTube and was wet for no reason at all. Today I have been really irritated with her and get annoyed easily. I do not want to be as I love her truly, but idk what to do. Sometimes I feel like I am not mentally here as well. Such as I am physically doing stuff but my mind is watching me from a 3rd person view. Like it is not here anymore. I cannot cry either. I tried and it only happens when I get really mad. This is all a jumbled mess and I am sorry. I just really want someone to say I am fine or something idk. My heart hurts and feels empty. I am to the point where I could watch bad things happen to living things and not care. Like emotionless in a way it is weird. Idk what is going on anymore",Depression +21758,"I see it on social media and hear from people all of the time.By doing ___, my depression went away and I have never been happier! You can do it too!The problem, for me, is that I have no idea how people do it. How do you start making it better. Where does the motivation come from? The drive? The discipline? How do people grow up and do the whole adulthood thing without feeling so shitty like I do? And even if they do feel shitty, how do people do it anyways? I am job hunting right now. I am also pregnant (I know, not the most ideal situation, but its the one I have found myself in), but these feelings have been in the front of my mind and have consumed my thoughts for years now, since my early teens. I left my last job due to feeling so stupid, inadequate, etc. I was not able, and am still struggling, to even leave my bed. I have never been able to keep a job longer than a year and I feel like such a failure. I feel like I need to be slapped into adulthood reality. If anybody has any advice from being in a similar situation, or have words to help, they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance. I wish I was the healed version of myself already, but I do not know how Ill ever get there.",Depression +21759,"Everyone wants to be special but nobody can be. we are all fucked, dragged in a giant rat race, a mess we made for ourselves, but everyone still wants to be better than the next person, their lives are special to them, even though we are just another dumb animal species, in just one planet, one single blue dot in the vastity of the universe. But I am special. I have got to be special. And everyone else does too. Nobody wants to be a nobody. Nobody wants to be a nobody",Depression +21760,Sent someone a video I worked on all week. It was a video of what I have been up to lately. It took so long to finish and I was sooo excited to share and possibly have a conversation but instead I just got a 2 word response with no enthusiasm that is awesome Thank you so fucking much for pretending to even watch it. I feel so worthless. I hate when people write pity responses. I know my video sucked but thanks for pretending to care and sending me a 2 word response on something that took me over a week. I love it. This is why I shut down completely I hate everyone Rant,Depression +21761,"I literally do nothing. I have no goal in life other than waiting for the next video game update or release. seriously, if the new red dead online update was not coming out on Tuesday Id have nothing to live for. I have absolutely no friends because for some horrible reason I prefer to be completely alone. I do not leave my room because my computer is only a few feet away from my bed so my days mostly consist of waking up, getting breakfast, playing video games, getting lunch, going to sleep. I binge eat constantly because its the only thing that makes me feel anything and as if it was not already hard enough to socialize with others its even harder when I look like such a fat piece of shit. I do not even own a toothbrush I literally have not brushed my teeth in years because that would require me to take even a little bit of self care. Sorry for this post. I feel like I am wasting my life",Depression +21762,"I hate this. I do not feel like I can do this anymore. I just cut worse than I have in a long time. I am supposed to be better. it is been years. I cannot control any of it. I was disappointed when I heard my old friend was doing well, and then I was reminded how much I miss her and how I would likely never see her again. So guilty about everything. I do not know what I need. Maybe just a comment so I know someone can hear what I am saying. I Need Help",Suicidal +21763,I just want anyone at all that I can talk to ok feeling so fucking shitty right now and cannot handle it I really need some one to talk,Suicidal +21764,Getting another job to save up some money so I can complete do something is I have always wanted to do and live every day of my life like its the last and if I am still alive by my 18-19th birthday Ill end it then every just Feels miserable and so fucking boring even stuff that suppose to be the funniest just so ordinary and boring and I cannot control the thoughts in my head feel like I am just stuck in a body that some one else is controlling every time I say/do something feels like it just not me I do not fit in anywhere I never really had any freinds even as a little kid I never related to anyone in my life i have no idea what to do to change something anything I have tried what people told me to tried exercising for months and tried to improve my knowledge reading and everything still seemed to down spiral try to tell people how I felt and no one cared tried doing as many drugs possible to forget about realitay then I moved and have not been able to get anymore since tried being as social as possible and that made it so much worse stopped using my phone and the internet as much and that does not seem to help my whole life I felt like the world was pushing me away and leaving me behind for the last year I have shut my self off from everything and just sit in my room alone watching some sort of animation or playing a game to make reality seem less real I wish I would just wake up one day and realize it was all just a bad dream or that some exiting new thing would happen in the world but it never does and just gets worse I really fucking hate this life and myself I really want to end it as sooon as possible Think I have about year of life left give or take,Suicidal +21765,i hate this fucking disorder every puts me on edge because of how bad my mood swings are borderline,Suicidal +21766,"going to keep this short since I am writing it on break. I recently got a new job last week and on my second day my girlfriend who I absolutely loved more than anything broke up with me. Today I get called into my work office and get reemed for poor performance and that I should be working a lot quicker than my current pace despite being here a fucking week.I want to just go home and off myself. I am 19 and already feel like I am not going to get anywhere. I was left shattered and now I am suffering at work and I cannot see an end to this. If anyone here can give me some sort of encouragement to keep trucking, I really need it. Thanks Reddit. Where do I go and what do I do",Suicidal +21767,"I wish i could live in a burrow at least. Id have too much time worrying about predators, fetching food and protecting my young from storms to want to kms this bad I wish i was a rat",Suicidal +21768,"I (24 M) have just been a downward slope since the last two years. I was in a relationship with my ex (23 F) for 4 years. She took her life last October. We had broken 7 months before that. And she kept me on No contact.I saw her through two years of depression and stopped her from hurting herself on many occasions. I knew that she was suicidal. When we broke up, I thought she would get better. That she might be able to break out of some of our relationship problems that would often be the because of her low mood.Within those 7 months during our break up, I talked to her once. And that was a day she had planned suicide but eventually did not go through with it. I would like to think that for that one day, I talked her out of it. I remember when I told her I loved her and her voice just broke while speaking.I still remember the day I had to bury her.After she passed away, I tried to get over her somehow. I have been in three relationships since then, tried to use sex as an escape. But every time, it just comes to a halt. I end up suppressing a lot of my grief and the depression I have struggled with. And shabam, it all just comes back all at once. Last month, I slept with another person when I was drunk and it turned out that she felt I forced myself onto her. And it became a whole deal where she was accusing me of all sorts of things. I had felt that our encounter was consensual but then she came up to me and said that how she felt violated. At this point, with the guilt of hurting this person and not being able to help my ex, it came to a boiling point last night. Over these past few months, I have started doubting my self, my relationship with my ex and how I could not help her even though I feel like I was the only one who could.Last night, I wrote my first letters. I hurt myself for the first time. All those times I put the knife away from her, she is not there to do the same for me. I do not know why I am mentioning this here, but she was the first woman I was with while I was like the third guy. I used to get jealous from time to time. When she broke up, I told myself maybe she was not the one. I had not seen the world. Maybe if I have sex or be in relationships with different people, I would eventually find someone. After sleeping around, being in relationships with a few people, I still cannot get over her. She was the one. She was the one that got away.I miss her and all I can think of right now is ending all this and just being with her wherever she is. I do not have the urge to keep on going. My existence was intertwined with her. My codependency issues still have not gone away.I have tried to work on myself. I have gone to therapy. But I still cannot put these thoughts away. I just want to end things. I cannot live with this feeling. I do not even know what it is. This is the first time I have ever felt suicidal and I do not know how to stop it. For the first time, I can truly empathize with her suffering although hers was because of different reasons and much more deep.I do not want to call it quits. I want to try to get better. For my mom and dad. I saw what it did to her parents and I do not want to do the same to mine. Downward slope",Suicidal +21769,"I am just so fucking tired man, nothing ever changes. I tried putting in the work, driving an hour twice a week to go to DBT, I was really trying to be better. But it never lasts because at the end of the day I am still fucking empty inside. Nothing makes me happy and I just want to give up. Since last October I have had more suicide attempts than I even remember, like how am I such a fucking failure I cannot even do suicide right. (Haha laugh comedy). I wish my therapist would give me permission to die",Suicidal +21770,"I feel guilty for writing this. Everyone here seems to be going through very heartbreaking situations. I just feel so alone. I feel as though I am getting to a very low point. I have had depression for 14 years now and I have never felt so low. I do not know how to describe this pain. I have social anxiety too, so going through therapy again seems very impossible. Idk what to do",Depression +21771,"So I have found myself some fentanyl, 100 dollars worth, about three pennys stacked togethers size. I have obviously been ripped off, AGAIN, like I always do. But I am going to go soon using this. I am going to mix it with alcohol to strengthen the effect and go. The only fear is the fear of failure. What if I fail and wake up with worse consequences like brain damage? Like live as a vegetable after that? that is the only fear and otherwise it is peace. Fentanyl exit",Suicidal +21772,"So here is how I am going. I have been doing terrribly mentally, I do not have a job a currently, I am 26 years old. trying to find one. I play video games to try and escape, same with shows, playing with my pet and cooking. everything I used to enjoy has stopped being enjoyable. I play a game of smite and I feel like I am about to have a mental breakdown even if I win. I am miserable constantly I do not want to stay in bed all day because I want a job. but I have been doing customer service since i was 18. and saying I am sick of it is an understatement I would rather die at this point then talk to another customer about coupons. I am severely overweight, have health issues and am ugly. I have the lowest self esteem possible, I hate everything about myself. all I think about is dying every day. I cannot handle any sort of bad news anymore. I am not sure what is entirely wrong with me. but this mental prison I have myself in is a type of hell. I need to find a way out or I am not going to last alot longer. to go into why i feel like this would be mostly about my past and I will not go into that. very long story, but not having a job to help support myself and having my friends help while I do not have one stresses me out to the point to where I am not sleeping more than maybe 3 hours a day, I am exhausted all the time. I just do not know what to do anymore. how do i ask for help when i do not even know what is wrong? My mental health is deteriorating",Depression +21773,"I am sorry but I am not ok, and I have not been for a long time if I am not on by Tuesday... you know what happened to me. I am done",Suicidal +21774,I am very lonely. I do not talk to many people on a daily basis. A lot of times I do not talk to anyone. I need to kill myself because I am a bad person. I do not see anyway out of my situation. I am an awful person. I need to do this. I need to do this. I am awful. I am awful. I deserve pain and suffering. I need to do this to prevent myself from hurting anyone ever again. I am pathetic and I hate myself. Nothing will be ok. I need to die. I cannot see things rationally right now. I need to kill myself but I am too scared to do it,Suicidal +21775,"Were not fighting and my spouse is not angry at me, but the things I said caused a loss of trust and comfort so my spouse needs to distance right now, which I completely understand. I am just not used to sleeping alone and its worse than I thought it would be. Do any of you have advice for feeling less lonely? I am also scared that my spouse will realize they prefer to not be with me and I need them to be close and here with me. I currently have all of our pillows piled around me to emulate the feeling of being held, and its kind of helping but not as much as I would like. Had a breakdown and said mean things to my spouse. My spouse is sleeping in the spare room tonight and I do not know how to cope with how lonely I feel.",Depression +21776,"TW: Sexual abuse, domestic violenceSorry if I suck at describing shit, I have Asperger's on top of everything else. Feelings are hard. But here it is.I have lost everything since I graduated high school. There was a girl I was dating, we broke up. We tried to keep in touch, but things did not work out. She went missing in October. The one person who ever gave a shit about me just fell off the face of the Earth. No one's heard from her since. I know her, she does not just up and leave. Nobody heard anything. So even though I want to stay hopeful, it is been 9 months as of today. I do not even know how to feel about it anymore. If she did not come into my life when she did, I would have done it by now. She swooped in like my guardian angel and she saved my life. But now she is gone. she is been gone, but this is different. I cannot describe how, but it just is.I could trust her, unlike anyone else. My friends have all ditched me in one way or another. My father abandoned me in favor of a bottle and a needle. My mother was always working. My uncle molested me until I was 9. My grandmother has been in and out of the hospital. My grandfather (even though he is the closest thing I have had to a dad) was kind of unstable (he never hit me, but that is where I got my temper). The rest of my family either hates my guts or just ignores me (and are all ultra-conservative, and I am GAY AND I am FUCKING TRANS!!!) so I cannot count on them. My boss is the only person who cares outside of the internet, and even then we do not talk much.I am also on probation. I have been out of paid work since July of 2019. I spent my life savings on cheap drugs, cheap booze,.and cheap sex. Either that or I pissed it away gambling. I literally have nothing. And since I am on pre-trial diversion (I WAS FUCKING FRAMED, I am FROM THE MIDWEST WHAT THE FUCK DOES ANYONE EXPECT???), everyone sees my arrest and thinks I am just another junkie. Oh, not even to mention the many, MANY times I have been abused by my partners. I have not been on a date in a year, mostly because no one wants to date a tranny around here because that is all I am anymore. Nothing makes sense since I got out of high school. Yeah, I was outed and tormented and mentally scarred. But at least I knew what I needed to do. Everything was so much clearer, it is impossible to navigate anything anymore. I do not need someone to hold my hand, I just need a little extra help every now and then. Not that people know the difference.I could do it tonight, but I do not want to (not that thw hospital will help, they could not the first four times). If I could just not wake up tomorrow, that would be a dream come true. I do not want to hurt anymore. Sometimes I wish that somehow I ended up in a coma, and that I will just wake up in the hospital. Nothing will have changed, everything will make sense again. Everyone will still be around, and things will be okay again. I just want things to make sense.So yeah, I just need a reason not to end it all. that is all I am asking for anymore.-Jane I need a reason to not kill myself tonight.",Suicidal +21777,"Writing right now cus I feel pretty horrible and needed some way to vent it. Basically I detest the curr situation I am in right now, the people I surround myself with irl are pretty callous and unempathetic, I have been wanting yo disassociate myself from them for a while, but in addition to friend groups being a complicated thing, I always find myself wanting to give things a chance. But it seems my psyche simply cannot handle the noise in all of that, so now I just feel desolate, wanting to disappear and get away from it all. I want a lot more from this life, a lot of times it feels like I could be doing so much more, but am too stubborn to do amy differently, always going back to feeling it would be better if I was not alive here in the first place. I just feel so lost. I do not want to do this anymore, I feel so lost",Depression +21778,"I am so tired. I am 20, still live at home, no true friends, recovering drug addict, do not have any control over how much I drink when given alcohol, no job, no money, and a self harm addict. The only person that actually cared I scared off bc I told them I liked them. there is no reason for me to be here anymore. I cannot handle it. Mental hospitals do not work for me it just makes me better at hiding my mental illnesses. I have so many options tonight and Ill be alone a few more hours. Its my time",Suicidal +21779,"Depression, rape, abuse, trauma, discrimination, suicide. All of these have affected me or someone that I know. Its not fair. This world is so fucked up yet some of the idiots around me will still say that everything is apart of gods plan or that god is grace. Like what the fuck. Just because you feel that you have personally been blessed with a good life does not give you any excuse to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others. Fucking predeterminist nonsense. there is such a fucking lack of empathy in this world it is disgusting. I am an incredibly flawed person but at least I have the slightest ounce of self awareness to see what is going on around me, to see what is happening to myself, to my friends. To see that even when I become a nurse, even when it will be my job to help people it still will not be fucking enough. Nothing is ever enough, everything good in this world is tainted by abusers and grifters. An ounce of hate can be enough to pollute a river of love. All we can really do is try to help each other along but its like picking raspberries. If you have never picked raspberries before, even the gentlest touch can result in it all falling apart. Why is this world so filled with pain",Depression +21780,"There is already such a large shift in emptiness, meaningless and depression now that we strive further and further from our biological instincts and goals. And it will only get worse with the constant races to create new larger than life technology. No matter how much technology we replace ourselves with there are still going to be repressed unfulfilled biological needs, until we replace our neurons with nanobots, digitally upload our brains and leave humanity as a thing of the past. I do not see how anyone desires it but from what I have seen transhumanists are becoming about as popular as anti-industrialists. Its so surreal to me because everything they describe as a dream sounds like a complete nightmare to me - how they long to leave the violent, dirty, senselessness of humanity behind for a clean, robotically perfect utopia. I genuinely want to kms when i think of living in such a world. All the passions and struggles of humanity gone. Not like it would ever happen, because clearly any utopia is impossible until we cure greed from the human mind. And looking at the world right now, the race for this tech can only result in a dystopia. We will dig ourselves deeper and deeper into mass depression, inescapable surveillance and alienation. I do not understand, we all know how depressed we get surrounded by tech for hours on end, we all know the detachment it causes, but we do jack shit about changing anything. Every time some useless little technology comes out everyone rolls their eyes and then buys it, like with alexa especially. Why? Peer pressure? General lack of resistance? I do not get it. The only way to stop moneyhoarding technocrats is to stop buying shit you do not need, and because the sales to plummet. I know sure as hell when literal mindchips come out everyone will protest at first and then buy it. I fuckn hope not tho. I just wanted to experience humanity and I have barely even had a chance to do it. that is all I have ever wanted. I fucking hate it. The idea that humanity is something dirty and aggressive to be left in the past for godly perfection infuriates me. I fucking love the senseless human mind, not the ever increasing amount of people who already act like programmed robots sorting every little thing into a labeled box in their head. I feel like I am drowning whenever i think about this shit, i want to shoot myself I am fucking terrified of the singularity",Suicidal +21781,"Be alive !!! many ppl do not today and do not have a second chance. My friend died of Covid this week. I went out of my way to be alive go to Starbucks and read. Such a small thing but I am broke so I did something cheap, but I was able and they were not. I am alive! You are alive ppl.",Suicidal +21782,"I am getting to the point where I want to end my life , you can judge me all you want but you do not know how I been struggling all these years, not to mention covid made it worse. I am on autopilot. I am done it is a rap .Case closed and really wish people would just let me die you know it is like the people keep on calling the cops on me when I try to go the overpass which just leads the mental hospital so no help it is like I do not get it why cannot people just let the person take their own life , it is their life godammmit! Its none of your business nor none of your rights . I am frustrated socially distanced mother passed, sister in Virginia, fake step mom, fake everything nothing is good I want to die I am tired of living I been fighting my whole fuckingg! Life and it never ends I am tired of always struggling and getting no where I am doing the hardest I can I only human not God . Why can God just let me die , why does he have to wake me up. I do not want to wake up , I want to be in a comaaaaa! I do not want to see the next day it is get worse by the minute What the point of living when nothing works out",Suicidal +21783,"kind of self explanitory.I was in inpatient from 06/30-07/04 for suicidal thoughts. It was absolute hell. They put me in the wrong unit, ignored me, made me feel seriously unsafe. I begged every single day to be let out (I was voluntary admit) and they refused. I was fine for a few days once I got out but I am back to being extremely suicidal and I do not know what to do. Someone please help. I am suicidal but I cannot go to the hospital.",Suicidal +21784,"Hi. Uh, I am a 29 y/o dude. Diagnosed with ADHD-C this year. On Vyvanse for it. 40mg makes me worry about life/death/mortality. I was put on 50mg recently. Now, uh, in between, I idolize suicide. Like... what is it all worth?Do I think I would do it? No. But does it sound nice? Yes. Should I talk to someone?I do not... I do not know what to do. My friend have their own shit going on. I am tired of venting my problems. I am a fucking beacon of issues at this point. Is idolizing suicide worth a watch?",Suicidal +21785,"I can try my best, but my best is never good enough for them. I understand that you should always push people to be better, but there are no perfect human beings, and with my mental disorders I will never be what they are looking for. I want to die every single day. Suicide is inevitable. I will never be good enough for my family",Suicidal +21786,what is the point? Nothing that should help me is going to work so I might as well kill myself slowly with junk food and moping around. Idk why I bother believing I can get better. Bullshit. I am proof that it is never going to get better I do not need to take care of myself,Depression +21787,"I am 15 and I have one friend I can hang out with that is not toxic towards me I have become socially awkward towards people, any ideas on getting to know people before they right me off as someone they do not want to be around I am having trouble having people that are not toxic to hang out with",Depression +21788,"I really want to destroy everything I own as a proxy for destroying myself. Its really hard to resist. I have not fully psyched myself up to carry out my plan yet, soon though. The only thing that is stopping me from wrecking everything I own is fear of being beaten by my parents. I want to destroy all my things",Suicidal +21789,I pray every night that I die. Life's a piece of shit. Prayers,Suicidal +21790,"Around the start of may to the middle of June, I was at rock bottom. I told my psychiatrist, I went to inpatient, changed my meds, nothing helped. I had a manic episode which led to a suicide attempt. My 13 year old brother walked in and I realized that maybe it was not my time after all. I called my dr. she put me on mood stabilizers.I am 16 and after all of this, my dad decided that it would be best for me to get a change of scenery, so I went to stay with my aunt in TN for the rest of the summer. She practically raised me and I had been every summer so I was down. My mental health has never been better. I stopped self harming. I brought my summer school grade up from a D to an A, and I have spent so much time outside its ridiculous. I have motivation again but despite all of this, I still have that ache in my chest.Sometimes those thoughts will creep up and Ill think of how things are changing and they will never be as good as they were this summer. Ill think of how I am going to boarding school but I am not going to be good enough and I am going to have to come back to my toxic household. I feel so much better than I used to, but the thought of living life still feels exhausting. Will I ever be truly happy? Will I ever be truly happy?",Depression +21791,"Every single night, I stay up late, overthinking and anxious about how and where I am in my life. I watch tens of videos on YouTube, read articles and other people's experiences, and plan to wake up with a new attitude, a maximum-productivity version of me, and yet, all of it automatically vaporizes in thin air when I wake up with a sour face and a grumpy mood. What do I do? I know I need to take little steps, and that Rome was not built in a day, but why cannot I find the motivation to study, workout, or improve my life by even *one percent?* I want to actually improve my life instead of just dreaming about it.",Depression +21792,"It feels like everyone else is passing me by and accomplishing more than I ever could, and I do not know what I am doing. I am just drifting through life, waiting to die I guess. Imm about to turn 25 and I am scared that I am too old to make things better and turn things around. I do not know what the hell I am doing anymore, I am a failure. Depressed because I do not feel like I am doing anything with my life.",Depression +21793,"For so long I thought I was just born with depression and anxiety. That something in my brain I was born with was the reason I felt disconnected and had panic attacks and struggled to make it through the day. And it is just now that I am realizing I was physically, emotionally and psychologically abused by my dad all throughout my childhood. And my mom was too weak to stop him.That shit is the starting point of so many of the fucked up things in my head and it took me 25 years to realize that what was happening even counted as abuse. And it sucks because now I am just stuck like this. The anxiety is not going away, the awkwardness is not going away. The loneliness is not going away. Instead of just being depressed, now I am confused, and angry, and just as depressed as before. Fuck My parents fucked me up",Depression +21794,"Idk why but no matter what I do, life just constantly feels empty like its missing something. If I am hanging with my friends or going partying I get a momentary sense of joy but the loneliness the day after hits even harder. I just do not know what to do. I mean its not like I do not have friends because I do, its just life feels really empty and pointless. Life constantly feels empty",Depression +21795,hi so i have never done anything like this and that is really scary but i do not know how to not feel this way anymore and i am really scared so hi i do not want to be here anymore and nothing brings me joy or really makes me feel anything nice to meet you dunno what to do or say or how to be,Suicidal +21796,"Recently I have been having obsessive thoughts about my intelligence and abilitied or lack thereof and I cannot shake them.I have just been offered a dream job but my self-confidence has plummeted as I have been preparing for it. I know the stress of preparing for it has definitely kicked off a lot of feelings of being insecure in my abilities but I think it goes deeper than that. I just get stuck in these thinking ruts and my mind becomes completely cloudy - I have talked through some of these feelings before and it seems like when I have a problem I start either putting up invisible barriers or I think of all the things that could go wrong and it ends up closing off my mind to solutions before I even get a chance to think anything through. I cannot catch a thought and hold onto it long enough to solve anything - my mind just keeps spinning from problem to problem with no solutions. And I have always had this issue to some degree but I could work through it until several months ago, when I was offered this job. I went from feeling comfortable and relatively confident before, to feeling like I do not measure up to anyone around me. Suddenly I am not talented enough or I am not intelligent enough or I am not creative enough or I am not likeable enough when I am around other people. And I know part of this is my on perception working against me but for some reason I cannot shut it off; it is like the irrational, scared part of my brain is taking over. It makes me feel completely disconnected from the people around me and I end up feeling terrible and not confident about myself. I have read about the concept of a growth mindset vs a fixed mindset; that embodying a growth mindset helps you overcome feeling stuck by believing you can grow as a person whereas a fixed mindset leaves you stuck in a rut. Just rationally, I know I should have a growth mindset to believe that I can grow and change but my emotions are overwhelming my ability to choose that - something in me is constantly telling me that I am stuck being a failure, that I do not deserve good things, and that I have only made it as far as I have due to sheer luck. Does anyone have experience successfully fighting off those feelings? Self-confidence relapse",Depression +21797,"He hides it from his friends whom he plays games etc with, should I tell one of his friends so that they may help? I have tried everything and I will keep trying but I wanted to ask if that is okay in this scenario? My bf is depressed as he is jobless.",Depression +21798,"Hello, I have (22F) struggled with my mental health since I was very young, I was bullied when I was a kid and developed social anxiety because of it. Then I became depressed in my teenage years, but got better when I was 20.I have never been good at interacting with people, due to my anxiety I find it really hard to talk spontaneously to people, but at the same time I can get defensive over anything, like I feel people are attacking me or trying to make fun of me but in reality they are just joking around. A lot of people do not like me because of that, I seem really mean but I am not, I wish I could be friends with people like a normal person but I just cannot. Lately I have been having good days and bad days, but exaggerated. When I am having a good day I feel amazing, I am productive and do a lot of things. But in my bad days I feel way too bad, I was clean (from self harm) for 4 years and I did it again like a week ago. When I feel bad I also cannot stop thinking I want to die, I feel like no one will ever like me, Ill never get a job because I run away from good opportunities because of my anxiety. I just want to disappear but I do not want to kill myself because I do not want my family to suffer. TL;DR: I do not know if I am depressed or not, I have motivation a lot of days but some days I become suicidal and I think its all because of my anxiety I can feel happy some days and other days I want to die",Depression +21799,I fucked up and I need help apologizing to someone. They deserve a good apology and I am overthinking so much right now which is why I have not sent it yet but I just need to fucking do it. I ghosted a friend and its been almost a year and they still text me sometimes. Please someone help with this apology I already wrote it I need help apologizing,Depression +21800,I am willing to listen to anyone vent about their suffering. Chat me and I will give you a call. Anybody need to vent?,Suicidal +21801,"My father killed himself in 2009. In 2010 I found a girl who loved me and saw me through the darkness.However, I did not ever deal with my anger properly and 8 months ago she left me. She said it started with a reddit post I made 10 years ago about my lack of emotion that she found. Then once I was drunk and upset about an abortion 8 years ago.I found the lump back in August of 2020, and I did not want to tell her. I knew she was already done with me and did not want to disturb what we had left.It has taken over my testicle now. I have spent over a decade waiting for this, I am so ready.should not take a lot longer now, I guess it should be in my lymph nodes now or soon. I have tried therapy, books and drugs. I have not felt joy since I met her but without her ther is not any happiness left in me.I cannot even have an ""accident"" because they would all know. This is perfect. Natural causes is what I needed. I am not am attention seeker, I have never tried before and I would not actually do it. I have seen the damage suicide does first hand. I have lived it.I am happy that nobody will blame themselves. I am happy that I do not have to fake it for much longer.I am done. I can just wait it out now. The world really is great, i just am not meant to be part of it.I am drunk, I felt like putting this in text. I dunno why. I found a lump on my nut.",Suicidal +21802,"To say. But all I have is this:I have been taking care of everyone and myself my entire life. I have CPTSD. When someone needs something I do it there way to make it easier for them (I already know, please do not.) I am tired of being strong.I have lost so many people this year, and on this day specifically I quite literally cannot handle anymore death and being the strong friend. I am so tired, my stomach is in knots. The people you would think or would hope would be there are not. I physically and mentally just cannot nor have a reason to keep waking up everyday. I am so tired, and yet I cannot sleep. I know it would matter more if I had more",Suicidal +21803,go on mock me and make fun of me that is all i ever get from you people i deserve it. .I am mentally ill and weird most people have a problem with me or do not notice my existence. i get looks of disgust by random girl and i come of as creepy. i walked by a girl ones and she was looking at me like if I am about to molest her. or I am walking behind some girls and they think I am following them even though I am just fucking walking minding my own business. I have had a kid pull up to me in a car and point a finger at me and laugh at me. I am a fucking loser with no social life and talents. I am a complete worthless animals and i do not consider myself a human. i still cannot get over a girl that like me a year ago and i have dream about her its the third night in a row. all her friends think I am a creep when they see her. a cannot cannot tell time on non digital clocks or tie my shoes. i do not wash my face or teeth because I am disgusting and lazy. I am to stupid to do most things. and nothing in my life ever goes right and if it does it dosen last very long. when I have actually made friends i was to big of a anti social pussy that i will not hang out with them. i do not belong in society or in the world in general i am subhuman that shouldent exist I am only here for validation because i have nothing else to do. i sleep all day ad jerk of to 2d women and talk to myself and listen to music made 200 years ago and I am fucking offing myself because you hate me. and yes this post is pathetic most people hate me and vice vera,Suicidal +21804,I have just lost all my friends and i feel like i did a few months back. i thought i was getting better but i guess not. i do not know what to do anymore I am lonely again :(,Depression +21805,"Hello! I am looking for support or just anyone who is kind enough to read through this post, and I really wanted to share about my struggles with depression and get of out this really dark place that I am in right now. I believe that I may have high-functioning depression (although I do want to diagnose myself), everything looks fine on the outside and I seem to be doing well, but I am really struggling on the inside. I feel really lonely, unloved, unappreciated, and most of all empty and hallow. I feel like an empty she will of a person, who has no sense of self and has no interests/hobbies/passions about anything in life. Everyday is the same boring monotony, and I do not feel motivated or have the energy to change my routine because I am so unhappy with the way my life has turned out and the people around me.I had a relatively good and happy childhood, however things started to get worse as I became a teenager. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in middle school, I come from an immigrant family with very conservative values, and I never able to get the help that I needed for it. I struggled a lot in school and had poor grades, which I think caused me to spiral into a deep depression/anxiety. I have been struggling since I was 12/13 and I am now 24. I have also suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of my family members and the trauma has completely shattered my self-esteem and self-worth, which further made the depression/anxiety I was experiencing, exponentially worse. I definitely think my toxic upbringing/environment and not getting help for my ADD made things worse for my mental health. I now work at a Fortune 100 tech company, and I constantly feel unworthy and that I do not deserve this amazing opportunity. I do not have the confidence, and upbeat personality all of my coworkers seem to have.I have no support system, no friends, no relatives, except my immediate family. I am surrounded by my coworkers who are all in relationships, have a solid friend group, relatives, etc. they are surrounded by all of the love and support in the world, while I feel like I have wasted my life due to my unfortunate situation and years of trauma and depression. I feel like the people around me are so much luckier, they had it easier and I know they will go far in life and their careers. I cry every night because I am so terrified of my future, I have no friends at all and feel like no one cares about me. Dying of loneliness. :( I want to move out and live on my own but I am scared and the depression has been making it hard to find the motivation to get things done. Most importantly, I want to stay away from the toxic and negative people in my life.I do not want to feel like there is no hope in my life, no bright future for me. I do not want the people or the circumstances in my life to define me or break me down. I know I deserved better! How can someone who has no interests or hobbies and is very depressed such as myself, connect with other people and make friends? I would like to make long-term meaningful friends not just acquaintances or superficial connections.Thank you for reading my post all the way through! :) In a dark place right now, support would be appreciated :)",Depression +21806,"# Hey, my friend has been struggling with a lot of problems and is going into depression and I am not too sure how to help, usually we meet up and they talk and I just listen but I want to do more than that. What are some things I can say/ do that would help them, or things I should not say/do? [serious] I need help helping my friend",Depression +21807,"Everyday feels the same and I am distancing myself from my friends. Its not like I want to be alone, I actually hate being alone. But I just cannot use my little energy to contact them. they are all so happy and cheerful but I feel so isolated from them. Like they all hate me for me being myself. I guess I do not blame them. My face, body, voice, personality, speech, I hate it all. And As a cherry on top, I am relapsing on my eating disorder, god I just want to love my body and I also just want to feel loved. I have not felt so bad since 2017 when I first developed anorexia. I just want things to be normal again, nobody should feel this way. I am so damn tired",Depression +21808,I was recently diagnosed with gallstones and had my gallbladder removed. However there were some complications and now there are stones stuck in the duct.The 7 months of time between noticing symptoms and the surgery i lost 60 pounds as I have been having a lot of trouble eating. Eating used to be one of the few thing that brought me joy now if i even try to snack ill feel intense nausea for hours. Even worse is the fact I am scared to leave my house because I know I am going to end up feeling sick no matter what. It really sucks when people ask me hangout and my excuse is always I am not feeling well. Feeling sick all the time has made me so much more depressed,Depression +21809,"I cannot tell if my parents love me. Yeah they say it all the time but they do not really show it. they have made it clear that I am a bad person in their eyes. My dad has said before that he regrets having me and I suspect my mom agrees. I do not blame them. I am such a shitty son to them. How could anyone love me? All I do is treat people like shit (at least that is what they tell me, I feel like I am not that rude but I may have aspergers so I am unreliable) and sit around all day. I am a fucking loser and my parents hate it. ""Leave the house! Go out with your friends!"" I do not have any friends, mom. I feel like whatever I do is never good enough for them and everything that I fuck up they treat me like shit for. My dad has said before that he does not believe in depression. I confessed that I was depressed to my mom about a month ago and she still has not taken me to the doctor. She claims that it takes forever to get an appointment but I do not know if I believe her. Everytime I have said to them that it feels like they do not love me they call me ungrateful and say that they must live me or else they would not feed me, buy me clothes, etc. I cannot tell if my parents love me.",Depression +21810,"I am trying to find out if any married male can talk their wife about your depression and suicide thoughts without her freaking out and not being to handle it? My wife started crying, stormed off, then talked to me like a was a child in that voice. It stopped when I assured her I have it under control and would go to ER if I had to. I never made that mistake again and now only talk to a therapist. I thought we could be an open married couple but I guess not. I know she see's my meds but never talks about them or how I am doing. Thx Wife cannot Handle My Depression",Depression +21811,"Hello! I am looking for support or just anyone who is kind enough to read through this post, and I really wanted to share about my struggles with depression and get of out this really dark place that I am in right now. I believe that I may have high-functioning depression (although I do want to diagnose myself), everything looks fine on the outside and I seem to be doing well, but I am really struggling on the inside. I feel really lonely, unloved, unappreciated, and most of all empty and hallow. I feel like an empty she will of a person, who has no sense of self and has no interests/hobbies/passions about anything in life. Everyday is the same boring monotony, and I do not feel motivated or have the energy to change my routine because I am so unhappy with the way my life has turned out and the people around me. I had a relatively good and happy childhood, however things started to get worse as I became a teenager. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in middle school, I come from an immigrant family with very conservative values, and I never able to get the help that I needed for it. I struggled a lot in school and had poor grades, which I think caused me to spiral into a deep depression/anxiety. I have been struggling since I was 12/13 and I am now 24. I have also suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of my family members and the trauma has completely shattered my self-esteem and self-worth, which further made the depression/anxiety I was experiencing, exponentially worse. I definitely think my toxic upbringing/environment and not getting help for my ADD made things worse for my mental health. I now work at a Fortune 100 tech company, and I constantly feel unworthy and that I do not deserve this amazing opportunity. I do not have the confidence, and upbeat personality all of my coworkers seem to have. I have no support system, no friends, no relatives, except my immediate family. I am surrounded by my coworkers who are all in relationships, have a solid friend group, relatives, etc. they are surrounded by all of the love and support in the world, while I feel like I have wasted my life due to my unfortunate situation and years of trauma and depression. I feel like the people around me are so much luckier, they had it easier and I know they will go far in life and their careers. I cry every night because I am so terrified of my future, I have no friends at all and feel like no one cares about me. Dying of loneliness. :( I want to move out and live on my own but I am scared and the depression has been making it hard to find the motivation to get things done. Most importantly, I want to stay away from the toxic and negative people in my life. I do not want to feel like there is no hope in my life, no bright future for me. I do not want the people or the circumstances in my life to define me or break me down. I know I deserved better! How can someone who has no interests or hobbies and is very depressed such as myself, connect with other people and make friends? I would like to make long-term meaningful friends not just acquaintances or superficial connections. Thank you for reading my post all the way through! :) Looking for support",Depression +21812,"How are you guys and gals getting hooked up with people? Maybe I am socially retarded but I have never had a girl ask me out, and I do not know how to ask one out. I do not bother because I do not have a job and quite honestly I just get the feeling that everyone would be better without me. Even though I feel this way, it saddens me that I am alone. MDD makes it incredibly difficult to see what makes me happy. I have spent my entire adult life in my room, I am not kidding, like never going outside, getting a job, cleaning, nothing. I am just here, there is nothing that drives me so I do not bother trying. I want to do stuff but I feel everything is too slow and that I have to try and catch up for all the time I have wasted being an idiot. I am not very attractive when I think I am a stupid, worthless, sorry excuse for a human being. I feel like a parasite. My personality is being depressed and addicted to videogames, like who would want to offer this person a job or go out with them? What the hell do I do? I do not know where to start, the hole I have dug is so deep that I cannot even fathom reaching the top. Money is an issue and I feel it is the root of most of my problems.Aw man reading this back just makes me realize how undesirable I must appear to people, my inner thoughts speak the truth and I hate it. What could I possibly do to turn this around? What do I do?",Depression +21813,"I do not want to die but I am really fighting with suicidal ideation. It feels like I cannot convince my mind that I am being irrational. I have 2 kids and a husband I adore and I am so lucky to have. My life is good, we own multiple businesses and things are a little wild right now but others are far worse off. Whenever I start to feel better and have a few good days I feel relief but if I screw up at something once I cannot stop but head down a horrible mental hole I struggle to crawl out of. I am so tired all the time. I have had multiple concussions, my memory sucks and I cannot control it no matter how much I try. I let so many people down because of it or frustrate them. I hate it. I just do not know what to do anymore and I am so tired of fighting because every time I feel better I get right back to this place no matter how much progress has been made. I do not want to kill myself but I am struggling trying to get my brain to stop telling me to do it. How do I fix this?",Depression +21814,reddit is a rabbit hole. come here after thinking your depression has gone and help people. up to you trap,Depression +21815,"my gf of 7 months decided to dump me and I just want to die. I have a lot of trust issues and am not good with people irl so all my friends are online; its honestly a miracle how a pathetic loser like me got a girlfriend, and I was happy for the first time in ages until today where she dumped me. I wish I was a better person, I did not do anything wrong to her. I hope she is happier and finds someone else way better than me, I think it would be better if I never existed at all break up",Suicidal +21816,""" I am alone in my head, thinking about what it would be like , if I was not here. I am alone in my bed, looking for love in a stranger's eyes, cuz I do not want to be here"" This is the chorus to a song I wrote tonight/day.Now I am drunk after 1 year and 9 months soberThere is no way that I can continue, or progress , nothing ever stays good for longI have no oneNo one would even check on me, or know I was goneI cannot do this. I am sorry, I wish I could have been the person my parents wanted me to be , but I fall at every hurdle.So it is time.Thank you for reading Alone",Suicidal +21817,"I am currently at the worst stage I have ever been in with life at the moment my parents are constantly on my case about me getting a job I have not opened up to anyone about my depression apart from my friend I tried to open up to my friend about it and he just gave me the whole get over it type of thing and he got mad at me because I did not hang out with him for a week I have since distanced myself with him and I think hes noticed and took the hint I do not want someone like that in my life anyway back to what I was talking about to begin with, all I do all Day is wake up at like 12 noon and sit on Xbox all day and go to bed at like 3-5am every single night I have done so since I left school 3 years ago I just do not know how to be better at all I am stuck in this constant loop of self loathing and hatred towards myself I have been unhappy for the good part of 4 years now and it just gets worse every day suicide has crossed my mind a a few times but no matter how bad things get Ill never do it but life is just a constant when it rains it pours situation for me, there is this quote from bojack horseman that just sums me up perfectly You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it is all gone. And I will never get it back in me. I am 19 and I have done nothing or achieved anything in life",Depression +21818,"I am planning to kill myself next week, when I travel to my old Uni city, in a nice quiet forest somewhere. Its really hitting me hand though. I leave on Monday, which means that tomorrow (today) will be the last time I see my family.If I succeed, I will not see my sister get married, I will not see my Dad being Dad, addicted to his niche hobbies. I will not get to climb that mountain I was working on. I will not get to go abroad to see my old grandparents again.I do not know how I will keep a straight face and not cry my eyes out when I tell them goodbye on Monday. Knowing that we part ways, and trying to squeeze as much time with them as I can is so so sad. Only I know that its the last time well see each other. Ill make my Dad his favourite dish from my cooking. Then, I just have so many sad sad regrets. Tomorrow will be the last day I see my Dad and Sister",Suicidal +21819,"Hey guys, I feel like I am at a turning point that scares me. I have always been okay with being sad and alone, I almost enjoyed it. But now I am 27, I am back in school, single, and feel like I am behind in life in general. I have always know that I would never do anything to hurt myself or I thought I had a grip on not letting my sadness really get to me until the other day. I was coming home from trying to make friends at a school event and it did not go well, I was getting made fun of a little so I decided to leave before I got upset and as I was going home I just broke down and started crying in my car. It was the first time I have actually looked at myself like garbage and ment it. I do not really have a desire to be here anymore. I drive my motorcycle every day hoping someone hits me on the road. I wake up, go to school, workout. I have zero light in my eyes anymore, no one talks to me, and when I try people think I am going to be an asshole to them because they only see me as this quiet dude who looks like a jock and they assume I am going to be a jerk so they are primed up before we even talk.Should I quit school and do a solo trip to try and mix things up and find something that makes me happy? I feel like if I do that ill feel even more behind and like a quitter but I am not even alive right now. I am literally just waking up and going back to bed. Its starting to scare me and get out of my control. I literally walk around every day feeling almost completely dead inside and I do not want to be.Any advice would be great, Thanks to anyone who read this far. Close to the edge",Depression +21820,"my boyfriend and i broke up 2 weeks ago because he moved away. i have like 3 friends that will not hang out with me or talk to me unless i initiate it, despite telling them multiple times how that makes me feel. immediate family is fucked, no extended family. i spend most of my time laying in bed like a pathetic loser. i usually sleep at least 12 hours a day if not more. i have no hobbies or interests. i can barely even focus on watching tv anymore. i just feel so empty. i do not know what to do. i hang out with my friends maybe twice a week but I am so fucking sick of being the only one who gives a shit to make an effort that i probably will not ask them anymore. even if i stop asking i know they will not ask me so i guess ill just be alone and try not to kill myself for the next 2 months before i go off to school. but i do not have much hope things will be better there either. i have nothing anymore",Depression +21821,"Does it really ever get better? I left the one person I kept feeling like would always be there for me. I feel like I was too picky but also just not sure if it was my own anxiety that caused me to doubt and ultimately lose him. I keep looking around and seeing all the ways he cared for me. All the little gifts and sentiments. I know people say to throw them out but I cannot bare to. My life improved when I was with him. I know it was always in me but he supported me when I needed it most. I saw everyone tell me my relationship was 110% better than the relationship of my parents and close friends. But I know I cannot use comparison. We had our dark times too. How can I keep going this way without him. Maybe everything was an illusion, part of a beautiful dream or dark twisted nightmare. I can feel okay when I need to. I pull myself forward. Yet in between it all the dark feelings keep coming. Like ink stained spreading across a page. All I want is to feel okay again. And know that I will be fine. Struggling with mental health, financial and family issues, and a failed relationship",Depression +21822,"Delete your apps, turn your phone off, give yourself 5-10 minutes of silence. Remember who you are, ground yourself, focus on your body and breathing. The mind can be overwhelming, its difficult to make sense and piece together every aspect of your life. Noise surrounds us in many forms: distractions, people, work, media. Its okay to switch it off and remind yourself of how real you are, and what you have been through. Everything is going to be okay, take it one small step at a time. Some advice for anyone having a bad episode.",Depression +21823,"Honestly cannot remember the last time i was happy. do not even remember what happiness feels like, could not describe the feeling for a million dollars.But pain on the other hand is very familiar. I can describe what pain and hurt feels like excrutiatingly well. The fucking irony. Its like life is a path full of pain with small insignificant moments of happiness you do not even remember the feeling of. What the fuck is the point of living then? I am supposed to keep stumbling and pushing through for what? what is waiting for me? More pain and suffering until i die. ""there is good days and bad days"" tell me why the fuck i cannot remember any of the good days? Where the fuck was my share of good days? Where was my share of happiness? Pain & Happiness",Suicidal +21824,"I am going to start out by saying I am depressed and anxious but my depression feels like nothing when compared to those around me. Both of my parents are currently going through cancer scares. My dad has had cancer removed from his lungs many times and is extremely depressed, lays in bed all day every day except when there is a family function, which he goes to but barely participates in conversation. Unfortunately, my brother is the worst of all. He lives on his own about 45 minutes away and I guess my family was not paying close enough attention this past 6 months. He would come to family gatherings and act happy and we would always ask how things were at his house and we were always told fine, the last we saw him was Christmas. In February, he cut my entire family off, will not speak to any of us and says we never once cared about him. Many of my family members go to his house and try to get him to talk to us but he will not come to the door and we are told to go away. We called the police, we were told he is not a threat and they could not do anything. We called the mental health hotline and they sent someone who said he came to the door, they said your family is concerned about you and he said no they are not. They mentioned he does not look healthy and very pale. Our mom tried to go into the house as she has a key and he shoved her out. Lastly, we told a neighbor that used to work with him about the issue and he went into the house from the back. He told us my brother admitted he has not been to work in 2 months and there is dog feces and beer cans everywhere in the house. This situation is causing my depression and anxiety to spiral, it is all I think about but I am trying to be strong for my parents, my mom is having major surgery this week.I do not know where to turn to. I am sorry if this is all over the place, I am lost. My entire family is depressed",Depression +21825,"Gender dysphoria is killing me. Two days ago I started cutting again. it is the only thing that kind of makes it better. But even that barley works anymore.When I was 15 I seriously considered killing myself, but I could not work up the nerve to do it. I really think I should have.I am giving myself two weeks before I do anything. If nothing changes, I am hanging myself. If I going to be dead, what is another two weeks, right? Finding it harder & harder to find a reason to live.",Suicidal +21826,Hi I am anthony and I am 15 i hate my life I am forced to clean 24/7 i know its called chores but if i mess up one thing i get yelled at and yelled at so much i just do not care if someone finds me. Dead I am just tired of it. I am really just a mistake and everyone hates me. my dad is in prison no contact and my mom is always mad and gets more mad when i just do one thing wrong. my step dad is somewhat nice just it sucks when my mom starts fights for no reason then i get yelled at or called names for no reason. Today my brothers friend did something wrong and blamed me so i got yelled at for 30 mins straight and that i should be grateful but everyday every hour i just get yelled at and the only time i ever get a break is when i decide to play a game for a few but she will get super mad and threaten me or say that I am a worthless thing of money it happened when i was in ohio with my dad now va with my mom its like I am getting yelled at my whole life and I am sorry if you do not understand this story i have mild autism and cannot write well. and I am not planing on killing myself its just that sometimes i want to and i might do it. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes.,Suicidal +21827,it literally never fucking gets better. i genuinely cannot do this anymore. every second of every day i think about killing myself. I have tried so many times. all i want to ever do is get drunk or high or drive at 80mph just anything that kills me somehow or just makes it a little easier. I am so fucking tired of replaying everything that happened in my head and feeling like I am utterly worthless. i turn 18 in 2 months and as soon as that happens I am buying a gun and shooting myself in the face. cannot make it any longer,Suicidal +21828,"Friends came over to have a good time but not only do I need to take breaks because of the overwhelming anxiety, but even in the midst of activities do I have this internal monologue over how/when/where I should do it and how much I want to be free from this world. How does one silence the urges?",Suicidal +21829,Hello my mood changes rapidly . Like I suddenly become sad and then after sometime become excited and happy . it is not like there is no reason for the sadness btw like I might be thinking about something sad I get depressed and about being happy it is usually because I might find something funny .. is this normal like this change of mood ? If not I read somewhere that depression also causes mood change then how do differentiate between BPD mood change and depression mood change ? Rapidly changing of moods ... Depression or BPD or normal ?,Depression +21830,"it is one of those nights where the world seems to close in on you and the mind stays stuck. it is one of those nights when I really wish I had friends. I know someday, I will find someone. I am just waiting right now, waiting for college to start again, waiting for life to begin. But I kind of wish I had someone now. Even just the knowledge that I did have a friend, that I did have someone in my life to look forward to seeing and talking with -- that would be enough. Something to look forward to, someone who cares about me and I them. That kind of thing. I do not know. I think if I could cry, I would feel better. But I am not sure if I can. I think I am just going to take some melatonin and go to sleep. I am ready for today to be over. it is been a long day. it is that kind of night.",Suicidal +21831,"People tend to say my view on the world is pretty negative while I just think I see it as it is. I have a very distinct and active sense for (for sure just my point of view) justice. I think humanity overall has no interest in creating justice for everybody. The people who are rich get richer and the poor countries get exploited as far as possible. Humans tend to hate others for being themselves and liking what they like. And I can never stop being that dumb social justice warrior in my head. I get the feeling that I ruin the atmosphere when people make sexist or racist jokes and I tell them that it is critical what they said because what we mean and say often are different things. I also study something where I am confronted with this kind of stuff everyday. I like it because the people who study with me are also more of social justice warriors who want to talk about the effect of what we say rather than thinking I am a killjoy. My problem is I do not want to be like that. I just feel so responsible that the people who get discriminated feel better, that the people stop saying dumb shit that really hurts the people and how others look at them. I just want my head to stop thinking everytime ""well that was pretty discriminating against whoever"". I just want people to be sensitive towards the feeling of others and listen to each other. I also listen to those people and try to tell them why I think it is critical to say it. I do not want to be entitled but I want to go into a dialogue. I am always political and on a high level of society view and cannot get rid of it for a few hours to chill. I hate it. And the most ironic part: I hate having trouble or arguments where people feel attacked by me. Discussion yes but not on a personal base like ""you are a bad person"". But often the people think I want to criticise them and their point of view.I am sorry this was more of a rant but especially when I am longer time on reddit I get those struggles. I do not want the people to have the same opinion but it is just so much hate often in here where the people do not even try to understand what the other person wanted to say. Thanks for reading. Hope anyone can relate and I am not just a big asshole that seems like I want to tell all of you what kind of a good person I am. I really think it sucks and I seem unfun. I kind of hope that this ongoing feeling that it is kind of my responsibility goes away when/if depression gets better... Maybe I am just holding on to that in my head so I feel like I have at least a moral I can follow and do not go insane and more lost than I already am. I cannot shut my mouth when i see something I think is unfair or unrealistic",Depression +21832,I do not think the worst part of losing a friend is actually losing them. I think the worst part is seeing them so happy without you there. To see them all hanging out and having fun with no thought of you. Or when something funny or amazing happens and the people you used to tell it to no longer talk to you so you cannot turn to them. And the absolute worst part is when you realise that they never really invited you to out to begin with and you start to realise all the lies they told you about why you could not come. Seeing them all out together and you cannot really say anything or feel any type of way because that means that you are either too needy or have serious fomo. Worst part,Depression +21833,"I wish that I could be the life of the party, just once Idk",Suicidal +21834,"lately I have had a hard time feeling things for myself and when I imagine things happening to me, its from an outside POV. I suddenly (what feels like overnight) went from being super happy and healthy to feeling so disconnected and disinterest in most everything in my life. I feel both unattracted and unattractive to my partner leading me to call me sexuality into question but realize I cannot imagine myself with people of the same gender either. I feel so outside of myself! this happen to anyone else? depression and dissociation?",Depression +21835,"My boyfriend is busy with a huge deadline coming up, so I do not want to bother him since hes stresses. I feel so depressed and suicidal. I do not feel like exercising or getting work done at all. I have a presentation due this Friday and I have a lot of work to do. I am supposed to practice it with my team this Tuesday and I have nothing to do. I have been wanting to kill myself. Only my boyfriend knows about my plan and hes trying to save me. I just feel so ugly and useless in life. I have nobody to talk to",Suicidal +21836,"i feel like i can never get close to anyone in any reliable way that makes me feel safe all the time. and without any consistent connection in my life, the only source of the-good-chemicals are alcohol, weed, and cutting myself. since i do not have much access to alcohol or weed, I am usually left cutting myself.and i cannot help but wonder is it this lonely for everyone? are actually happy relationships just a lie we tell children so they will do their fucking homework (and ourselves so we do not off ourselves)? or am i literally just not around people with similar enough interests/personality types? or, maybe *I am* ""the problem,"" and i *could* live a happy life with healthy relationships, but I would have to do a shit ton of work, first.I am going to be starting dorm life soon, so i might have some answers to these questions, although i cannot say I am excited to find out. i legitimately cannot tell whether something is wrong with me, something is wrong with the people around me, or if this is just what existing is like",Suicidal +21837,"Os ltimos trs dias eu ando sentindo uma bad to profunda e eu no entendo, eu no tenho motivos pra estar triste eu deveria estar sorrindo mas no estou e isso me deixa mais triste. Eu sinto um vazio to grande no peito que me falta ar pra respirar, eu no sei oq eu fao, s consigo pensar them uma nica soluo, toda vez que me deito no consigo dormir, a mente cheia de pensamentos que no me do um minuto de paz e olha eu aqui escrevendo pro nada e pensando them tudo, tenho uma dor enorme guardada e eu no consigo dividir isso com ningum, eu at tento, grito por ajuda mas ningum percebe o sorriso na minha cara no e mais verdadeiro e eu quero que fosse como antes, tenho pensado demais e isso t me corroendo por dentro, no sei quanto tempo eu aguento mas as coisas no melhoram, passo dias sem comer pois no sei oq eu sinto, no sei diferenciar fome da solido, tenho chorado demais, todos os dias pra ser exato, me olho no espelho e no gosto do que vejo a expresso de um rosto sem esperana me deixa ainda mais angustiado, espero que tudo se resolva, espero que seja logo.... Ou ser tarde demais para mimHj foi um dia tedioso, no tinha oq fazer s queria conversar com ela mas parece que ela no queria falar comigo, eu no entendo o pq disso me abalar tanto ao ponto de me deixar triste e pra baixo, no era para as coisas serem assim. A cada dia que passa me sinto trocado, mas a real que eu nunca fui escolhido ento no faz diferena. O pior que eu no sei pq ela no fala comigo e minha cabea agitada no me deixa dormir them paz, mais um dia que eu no consigo dormir pensando nela, antes fossem coisas boas, mas esse sentimento de perder algo que eu nunca tive me destri por dentro. Pensei que era recproco essa necessidade um do outro, mas parece que eu no a cativei ainda e ela deve me enxergar como qualquer outro garoto.Mais um dia que no consigo dormir, pensar na vida tira meu sono, pensar nela tira meu sono, pensar them mim tira meu sono ento por que eu penso, hoje entrei them completo vazio existencial, pq as pessoas se aproximam de mim sendo que eu no sou suficiente nem pra mim mesmo. Eu tento disfarar que estou bem mas no estou a cada dia que passa eu me afastou de mim mesmo, j no sei o que estou me tornando, as vezes no silncio da noite quando estou apenas comigo mesmo penso no por que de eu ainda estar vivo, me fizeram uma pergunta uma vez "" o que te faz feliz?"" E o engraado que at hj eu no descobri, at hj eu no sei o motivo que me faz sair da cama todos os dias, o motivo pelo qual eu estaria disposto a morrer. E eu sinto que se uma pessoa ainda no descobriu pelo qu morreria, ela ainda no est pronta para viver e nesse pensamento eu no me vejo mais entre os vivos, talvez seja uma forma de acabar com meu sofrimento, sofrimento pelo qual eu no sei o motivo mas ele s vem e vem causando uma dor tremenda no meu peito, as minhas expectativas de que as coisas iam melhorar diminuem a cada dia que passa, o pior que ainda tem ela, que me faz bem porm eu no sei se eu seria capaz de ama-la j que nem mesmo me amo.Eu no sei se eu vou ler isso daqui uns dias ou meses ou at msm anos(provavelmente no) eu percebi que o que me fazia feliz hoje j no faz, as coisas que me fazem sentir vivo j no existem, o meu ponto de escape foi tirado de mim e eu percebi que no consigo ser feliz, mais um dia eu me sinto triste sem saber o por qu, mais um dia que eu choro sem ter por que chorar, eu sinto minha vida se esvaindo aos poucos, me sinto cada dia mais morto e at que isso tudo acabe eu j terei dado um fim, eu definitivamente estou me esgotando psicologicamente e isso t sendo muito rpido eu j no sinto graa them fazer as coisas que fazia antes, no tenho com quem desabafar(at tenho mas me falta coragem pra falar) percebo que tenho problemas demais, porm todos temos problemas e se eu dividir isso com algum eu posso estar incomodando. Por isso eu falo comigo mesmo o que chega ser deprimente, pois minha companhia pssima. Se eu tiver lendo isso eu s queria dizer o quo vc forte, por mais que no parea vc t aguentando tudo isso sozinho e calado, o que errado da sua parte mas vc no tem outra opo. Me disseram uma vez que chorar lava a alma e talvez elas estejam erradas pq eu tenho chorado demais e me sinto cada vez mais sujo, no de corpo mas de alma, t sendo um peso pra mim e esse peso t me sufocando eu no me sinto amado, no me sinto vivo e muito menos querido....C estou eu, 3 meses desde a ltima vez, talvez eu esteja mais perto do que nunca, faltam 7 dias pra me decidir se vivo ou se morro, agr so 1:03 da manh, no paro de pensar them cortar os meus pulsos e s morrer, eu estou com isso them mente, hj eu descobri que no posso ter o amor da minha vida e percebi que tenho sentimentos demais por ela, mas isso me deixa to mal, talvez deva fazer como van Gogh e tomar tinta amarela, vai me dar a iluso que estou feliz e vai me matar aos poucos. As vezes eu penso se ela fez pra me magoar ou foi apenas coincidncia, mas acredito que todo mundo tem um lado e como um cientista disse uma vez ""se algo pode dar errado, vai dar errado"" (bom ele no disse assim com essas palavras, mas foi mais ou menos isso) . engraado por que eu dessa vez estou me sentindo com medo do que uma pessoa pode fazer, eu simplesmente quero morrer pra no ter que ver ou aceitar o fato que eu no posso ter tudo que eu quero. Acho que vou morrer them breve e tudo que eu fiz nesse tempo foi chorar e chorar. Uma vez eu li que ""Quem decide morrer no o faz por falta de amor vida, mas porque o sofrimento se tornou insuportvel"" e essa frase me faz refletir, pq eu tenho medo do sofrimento que vai vir e como escapatria morrer seria uma forma de no sofrer ele depois. Eu no consigo fechar os olhos sem pensar nela conversando com ele, eu nunca senti essa mistura de dio e medo. Mas eu no tenho coragem de me matar, mas quero muito morrer. SLA ESCREVI ISSO UNS DIAS A",Depression +21838,I recently realized by friend treats me 2 different ways he can be extremely kind and listen at another time he tells me how annoyed people think I am and tells me to not be socially awkward How do you deal with people,Depression +21839,I do not feel anything. I am completely numb. I do have friends but I am not sad when I do not see them for weeks. I do not mind being alone. I was not even able to be sad when a close friend of mine died in a car accident even though I wanted to be sad.I had 2 girlfriends. The first one cheated on me after a year. And the second one after 3 years. that is when I lost my self esteem and every bond to other humans. I would not be honest if I told my parents that I love them. It would be a lie. They are existing. I am existing. Nothing more. I do not care what anyone thinks about me and since I got cheated on I do not believe in love either. My feelings are gone for almost 5 years now. I am drowning myself in doing sports and going to the gym because fatigue is the only feeling I know.Anyone feeling similar? I think I could use some help but I do not know what could help me.I do not even know why I am writing this post but I am getting tired of everything I have lost all my emotions,Depression +21840,"earlier yesterday, i heard my mother on the phone with a potential therapist of mine. getting to know her. not asking me to talk to her to see if i felt comfortable. for context, i said that i felt suicidal to a therapist and they told my school > told my mom, had me sent home for the rest of the year. due to that, i cannot go back without getting cleared by a doctor because they do not want to deal with students with mental health issues. anyways, I have always been the third-wheel in my own recovery. i never know what is happening with my medication, my status as a student at my school, or the therapists i might see. on the phone, my mom is trying to explain to the [new] therapist why I am feeling this way:its because of covid, you know, all teenagers are depressed now.i do not think she fully understands the fact that I have been struggling with this for years. in middle school, i was lazy and not motivated to do anything at all. i constantly missed school and did poor with everything. sophomore year, before covid hit, i was seeing a therapist and breaking down every session because i really did not want to live with myself. i got a really bad ankle sprain, my social anxiety took over me and i did not eat for weeks. this is not new, but she is acting like it is. my close friend passed because of suicide and i think she magically wants me to realize that it is not the answer.I am in no way complaining about my mom trying to get help for me, but it feels like she is being forced to do it (which she is). she constantly tells me, do you want them to kick you out of school? and prioritizes me being at the school i am over my mental health. all of this pressure to not say the wrong thing while I am meeting with the therapist only makes it harder to be alive, knowing I am disappointing so many people. invalidated",Suicidal +21841,"Well my ex of 4 years just validated my day 1 feeling that hes incapable of caring whether I live or die. This happens to be the happiest day of my life as I always knew that between my severe bulimia and raging depression one of the two will kill me prematurely!Well I am currently rejoicing at the thought that nobody in my life actually cares what on earth happens to me so my conscience has been wiped clean in the event that something does happen to me (I.e death lol). At 21 there is so much more I wanted to achieve but quite frankly I do not see the point as nothing in my life has any meaning beyond what I assign to it & even my own life is meaningless to me.I am genuinely grateful to be here as I know in the a past few years ALOT of peoples nearest and dearest have not made it due to various reasons (do not want to mention the c-19 word). Either way the balls rolling, everythings set in stone, I never thought Id be writing a will at this stage in my life but here we are!To all you wonderfully (fellow fragile)& beautiful humans out there, you truly deserve happiness and I hope one day you achieve it no matter how big or small (the little victories make the whole!). This is just the mindless ramblings of a distraught but liberated young adult- if you made it this far, thanks for reading & ps. Random question: what is your fave season & why?? Thanks for everything!",Suicidal +21842,"In action film when a main character appear he just beat 10 persons, the director do that to show viewers how strong he is .When i was kid i always though I am the main character of this life , but slowly understand that I am one of these 10 peoples .I am 27 and have depression for over 9 years plus i believe that life is meaningless less nothing can make me enjoy life , any suggestion will be happy to hear form others Some are living to make other enjoy life",Suicidal +21843,I am done. Next time i fuck up i will kill myself by slitting both my wrists. I do not want to live on this planet anymore. I hope I fuck up soon so this all can end. My suicide plans,Suicidal +21844,"I have two children and they are the ones that make me not kill myself. I do not want them to suffer. I am having a really bad relationship with my mom and I just want this to end. Talking with her did not solve it. I am afraid of what to do. It would be better for the adults if I leave, but the kids they deserve their father with them. What can I do? I should have think twice before having kids",Suicidal +21845,"I have been lying to others that I am okay. Really do not want them to worry. I have not taken my antidepressant and I have been abusing stims to feel happy. Wish I can stop faking it. Wish I can cry to others, wish I can stop closing myself off and open up to others. Wish I can find what am missing. Been lying",Depression +21846,"I always think how easy it would be, i have guns. I also have a little sister and cannot imagine what she would think or go through if I did it.I am always paranoid, I literally trust no one. Not even my fiance. I have read every self help article and book and they all say the same thing.. worrying is pointless and if something does happen you cannot control or stop it. But I fear cheating so unbelievably much and I know it would be no different with another girl. it is my head, and I struggle every day to live with it. If she is not cheating then I would feel horrible if I tried, but even then I always think she is. I see the bad side of everyone and do not believe there are a lot of good willed people in the world. If I knew my anxiety and paranoia would never get better I would quit in an instant, but I want to hold on to the hope that I can come through the other side and start to trust people. All I am doing right now is ruining the few relationships I have because I make up scenarios in my head and they alone give me reason to not trust the people their about. I cannot give my all to my fiance because if I did and she backstabbed me I would feel so much worse. I feel trapped in my own head and I know I cannot live like this forever. I would do it somewhere else because if she is done nothing wrong then I do not want her to see me with a bullet in my head and think it was her fault. Thinking of partner cheating basically all day every day and scared it will not ever get better, even with a different partner",Suicidal +21847,"I am totally lost I do not know what to do, please help me Someone call me please!",Depression +21848,"I feel so worthless. I just want it all to end. Please, someone out there; tell me that I am a person and not just a tool. Am I good enough yet? I want to die",Suicidal +21849,"Hey I have got an email i want to send to my therapist that I am pretty sure will get me hospitalised and I was hoping someone could she would some light on what that is like (I am in England if that is important), just I have heard some bad things about them and I do not want to go to one if I really do not have to. Hospitalisation(UK)",Suicidal +21850,I am done with my life I cannot go on anymore planning on killing myself when I hit 30,Suicidal +21851,"On a daily basis , I am thinking , I might as well kill Shane , bc there is no help for this pain, so I might as well set a date, therefore until the day I die I self medicate , to get thru and deal with these hellish days , there is no help for this mental illness, so they tell you to just deal with it by yourself bitch, they cannot even hear my yells , to want to slit my wrist , I cannot take this , fuck life, everydays a bitch, But the problem is, I am not just suicidal , I am a piece of shit , might crack your carcass , if you come at me with some retarded shit, but regardless , I am about to a rap artist, who people do not like to hear bc I talk about anxiety and depression , so fuck sobriety and my transgressions , when I believe in god , and I repent , and stop trying to sin, but better my life never gets? Wtf is this ? How did it even get like this ? Suicide rap",Suicidal +21852,"Being up north in a cabin in the woods, snow and pines all around. Alone, trees and mountains all around. Alone. Crossing the room, the floorboards creaking under foot, the weight of my footprints are one last mark alive on this earth. The cold wind hitting the walls of the outside. Pulling a handgun out from the drawer in the corner. Placing it in my mouth, or on the side of my head? on my temple? whichever way it is with full intentions to pull the trigger. Am I really meant to stay alive? Was told to stay alive, but for what? Only to create more misery? The ones who have said it disappeared in the wind. To stay alive to not exist? To live only to wish to end this misery, wishing to end this thing called living? We all meet the earth in our deteriorating bones eventually. I have no legacy. I will be forgotten like the ones before me. I think these things as I am pressing the ball of the barrel to my temple. I think of him, who first said to me to stay alive even though he disappeared and said to never call back. Why am I still here? I want to cry, to scream to take this pain away. Am I really going to give in to living or just end it all? TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY! End MY MISERY! I lower the gun and fold into a ball. The gun lay at my head, the gun laying in full sight. I stare at it, conscious of the outside, the wind shifting frame of this cabin. I close my eyes and pray I no longer want to be alive. To fall asleep. To wake up alive. I want to die! Am really meant to be alive? I have no interesting tile but I hope someone reads this, relates to it. Maybe enjoys it.",Suicidal +21853,"I will start of maybe by brushing off quick details about me I guess... On paper, my life does not seems that bad, yknow. I am 19, studying in the field I want to work in, live in a peaceful place, good relations with a couple people.... But it just tastes bland. I can no longer find a positive side to anything. In early 2020, I tried to kill myself by jumping off a building. Stayed a good 10 minutes on the rooftop and made the decision to step down and get help, because I got scared of letting down my family.I started seeing a therapist all the way through 2021, and it \*physically\* helped. I started getting back into life, go study... but all these physical things did not fixed whatever is happening in my brain. I also had to stop seeing her because I had to sacrifice work hours for school. a sunday at mcdonalds once per week does not pay anything.When I go outside, I look at all these people hanging out and enjoying themselves, couples holding hands and doing stuff, families celebrating... and it just feels weird. I am too awkward to make actual friends, never went to actual parties, never drank, never had a good love relationship... and I am not good enough to do/have any of thatThe only think that is really keeps me on this planet is my family, simply because I am worried of what I will give them in return for... raising me i guess, and also that I want to complete a bucket list project. It is the only thing on that list, and as each day pass I am thinking of also dropping that project and calling it a day. I do not know what to do. I cannot tell my therapist, and also do not want to tell her, because somewhere there is progress and do not want to break that. I do not want to talk to my family, they will tell me to see my therapist that I cannot pay. I refuse to bother people like friends, they do not need my problems in their lives. I refuse to call a suicide hotline, because I strongly believe the end result will be an ambulance and having to see a new therapist. I refused until then to publicly post what is going on in my mind, because I am desperate. I failed once, and I know that if I actually make up my mind and try again, I will not give myself a chance to turn back.&#x200B;Please someone help me hold onto life, because I am scared I will commit something I will never have the chance to regret in the future I am being suicidal again and I am scared I will actually succeed this time",Suicidal +21854,"My mood keeps changing and i cannot control my thoughts anymore. There is always something reminfing me how useless and worthless I am. Sometimes I fell so happy and energetic that i could blow up a bus and then I am just shoved in bad feelings, and all that beeing contantly nervous about everything. It sucks and I do not want to fell like this anymore, I cannot EVEN SLEEP PROPERLY!!!!Sorry for the outburst but I cannot tell anyone that i know about it. I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +21855,"J'ai 16 ans ,je suis un introverti , trs timide J'ai peu d'ami et en vrai j'ai l'impression que mon amour pour eu n'est pas rciproque Comme si j'tais tt le temps la 5eme roue du carrosse... En dirai que je suis vide sans motion ,je vois les autres avoir des copines flirter ect ... Mais moi impossible ,suis-je anormal ?en plus je crois que a ne m'intresse pas (rien ne m'intresse sur terre) .... J'aime bien tre avec des gens mais en mme temps non j'adore rest seul devant mon tlphone j'aime pas sortir.. ce qui accrot ma sensations de vide et de perte de temps . j'ai un ""ami"" spciale que ""j'aime beaucoup""je sais que c'est un amour totalement impossible mais je lui text tjr je veux juste lui parler sauf que je me suis attach et lui bah il ne veut mme pas tre ami avec moi ,a me fait chier ,il est l'incarnation de ce que j'aurais voulu tre genre sociale sportif beau dragueur intressant ,bcp d'ami, intelligent,avec une personnalit quoi .. j'ai pas de personnalit je suis juste la .a chaque fois que je vois quelqu'un je me lamente sur ma sale vie , je voulais juste tre normal a la base , en plus des putain de rseau sociaux me soul Instagram avec leur vie parfaite et leur corps bien sculpter , et les sale races de story sur Facebook ou il montre tous qu'il on une vie , sa me rend pas triste mais sa me dgote , j'ai juste envie de dormir putain ,que je ne me rveille plus , ou juste ne plus exister ,,, je sais pas j'ai merd quelques par dans le pass ,je suis pas dpressif just dprim tout le temps,je sais pas si quelqu'un va m'accepter un jour comme je suis ,je crois que je vais pas me marier vie et rester seul ... Je sais pas pourquoi mais sa me fait ni chaud ni froid , j'ai pas envie de l'tre bien sr mais j'ai pas la moindre ide de comment changer et j'ai la flemme ,0 motivation, 0 ambition aussi j'ai l'impression que mon futur se limite rien je suis stupide ,.... J'ai juste envie que quelqu'un m'coute , j'ai besoin d'attention et j'en reois littralement 0 mme pas par ma famille en dirai que je suis hors champ totalement... Il est 4h du mat sa fait des heures que je pleure j'aurais voulu que sa se passe autrement mais je m'aime pas en mm temps si Je dteste ma bouche mes dent ma tte ma sale gueule ma dmarche ... Mon sourire ma fminit, ma non sportivit,pas de virilit , mon homosexualit ...bref ma vie My life /use translator",Depression +21856,I am usually alone for this reason my depressed mind thinks they are fake AF how can anybody be so damn happy on this horrible planet. Also being around miserable people in RL annoys the hell out of me because they remind me of myself and I hate myself so there is no winning. Being around happy people annoys the hell out of me,Depression +21857,"so after being seriously depressed for months (to the point of using alcohol to cope) and going through a couple of depressive episodes for at least a year if not longer, coupled with low self esteem and almost if not no self worth for as long ad i can remember, i finally decided i needed to get help. However, i did not have a primary care doctor so i booked an appointment with a pcp to specifically talk about my mental health to talk about actions to take and discuss how I have been feeling. after asking me several assessment questions (again this was the entire point of the visit) she told me she believes i have anxiety and depression and prescribed me low dose zoloft. The first night I had terrible anxiety and could not sleep. last night was a little better but still, i could not sleep. Today was particularly bad. My mind started racing and i was incredibly depressed for about 3 hours after taking it and had some pretty dark thoughts. i was in bed in the dark and that did not help, so i tried watching a funny show and playing video games. not even 10 minutes into both of those activities and i lost interest. i finally decided i needed to do something so i decided to bake and cook dinner. i still felt horrible and i started panicking scared i was just going to continue to be sad and be depressed forever. i sat there worried i had too much time on my hands and i was going to be sad all that time.(i do not have work until later in the day the bext two days) again, still having dark thoughts. after reaching out to a couple people and getting affirmations from them i started saying out loud that i am worthy and that i do not deserve to feel like this and that i will get better and live a long good life. and that it does not matter if everyone else thinks I am worthless, i know i am worthy. i am worthy of getting better. and i will. i repeated this to myself for about 20-30 minutes and it completely lifted my mood. i feel so much better. I am apprehensive to get too excited though because I am worried its just a side effect of the medication (I have only been on it for 3 days) and that it will wear off. I am hoping that is not the case though because it feels good to feel more normalps. yes. I do plan on seeking therapy. Improvement? Or just a side affect of medication?",Depression +21858,"I constantly repeat to myself that I have never really been given a fighting chance. Quite honestly all the odds are against me and I have spent so long fighting and I am just tired. I grew up with abusive parents, I am mixed so my mom is a stereotypical Chinese mom. She was brutal in ways a lot of daughters of immigrant parents can relate to, physically, mentally, emotionally. She challenged me a lot academically, I started playing piano when I was 3 I was in advanced tutoring, ballet, I never really got a chance to be a kid. My dad on the other hand is something else, hes significantly older than my mom. He had a failed marriage and I was raised along my half sisters, I watched them get treated awfully by him until their mom took them away. That caused me to have a lot of abandonment issues. My dad is not a good person. Hes very religious and abuses it. He raised me teaching me I am an object, to fulfill male desire and pleasure and to create children. I was taught about purity and how my destiny is to make my husband happy, save my body for him and create children. These teachings began when I was old enough to comprehend and continue even now. Its traumatizing and this has caused me to develop sexual triggers concerning my anxiety and OCD diagnoses. Its made iy impossible for me to have healthy relationships, or have sex. I feel like my body and my heart are broken. It does not help that he sexualized me significantly while also teaching me to hate my body. It confused me. he would hit me a lot, but he would do it while saying he loved me. I am just really confused. I was under a lot of pressure in every area, my parents are successful business people they trained me to adhere to productivity culture. they would always tell me I am on my own and need to learn to work. When I was 10 I got severely ill. Auto immune disease. It was very severe and I was practically living in hospitals until I was 14. I could not go to school, I lost the majority of my friends. I had tried extreme diets, chemotherapy, steroids, I had a feeding type for two years, and ultimately had a surgery to remove an organ. During the times I was really sick the abuse and mistreatment would stop and as sick as it sounds Id almost be thankful for being unwell so I would not be hurt so badly. My illness made me so mad though. Ever since I was 8 Id tell myself every day 10 more years you can run away you will be out of here you will be independent just make it to 18 my illness resulted in a physical disability and since its autoimmune I live with the fear iy could come back at any time now I am forever dependent on my parents for money and health insurance and I can never be free from them. I am so angry about this, all I ever wanted was to be free and that caused me to not be. I am interested in psychology I read a lot of research surrounding trauma and I know very well that my illness could be a direct because of the abuse. I guess my soul just could not take it, I feel weak. Every time Id get better the abuse would begin again. we have had cps visits, lots of people are concerned. My parents made up a lie I have autism so when teachers or health care providers are worried about how anxious I am amongst other signs of abuse they have something to cover it up with. They say they have always suspected me to have autism they try to convince me to fake certain traits when they take me in for testing. I know better and I know what its all about. I feel like a lot of people failed me. Eventually when I got smart enough to get help on my own my parents told me of how my illness can come at any time and if I were to leave and go to foster care they would not be able to help me get the best medical care. And at times I need constant medical care. A really difficult situation as you can see. Before I could tell myself 18 and I am gone and all of a sudden I did not even know if that is possible anymore. Eventually I got better do go surgery and I was able to be fully normal again I went back to school made a lot of friends and developed a plan to become financially stable by the time I am 18. I was not allowed to go out hardly ever, while I was sick I could never leave home and they would punish me in ways such as taking away electronics, wifi, books etc. so Id be forced to be in a room with no distractions at all. I knew these punishments could come back so I had to think smart. I began building a persona and platform online through different social media platforms. I marketed myself as a teen creator, photography, fashion etc. like an influencer basically. More than anything I value my privacy and I know how sad my life is so I hated portraying a happy teenager online I never wanted to be influencer I just wanted a platform so when the time came I could use it to create a business. Over time I built a big platform I was featured in publications I had brand deals I was even invited to prestigious events. This did not result in much money, just experience. you would think Id be proud of my accomplishments but I am not at all. I regret it more than anything, I hated being a 15 year old essentially selling myself like a product online. Getting myself into situations and events filled with adults. I feel embarrassed for all the danger I put myself in online. I wish I could have still been able to be a kid. I kept pushing and pushing myself, my new endeavor was writing a book about my experiences as a teen influencer and my illness and such. I should not have done this. I spent a year doing this, it was essentially shadow work. By the end of it I realized how sad my life was, how all of this was not the result of passion or ambition just a desperate attempt of freedom. As a teenager I was never allowed to drive. I am turning 18 in a few days I still cannot drive. I cannot go anywhere without permission if I try to leave my house my parents call the cops on me which incites a panic attack. They know this and claim my panic attacks are of a mentally unstable person needing to go to a psyche ward. Everyone I know tells me I remind them of Britney Spears, its sad. When covid quarantine was announced it was the worst day of my life. No one understood why I was freaking out so much, they did not realize that all my life I had been subject to extreme lockdowns. Not being able to leave my house being stuck with them, I knew what it was like to never leave the house a house filled with so much awfulness. It was happening again. I had already realized how I wanted to step away from my online platform after realizing the real reason I did all of this. My parents are high risk as well as me so they went extreme for quarantine. Since March 2020 up until may 2021 I was being held captive in my home. We had security systems set with a password only my mom knew, I could never leave. If I left my room I risk having a panic attack or being yelled at ao I stayed in my room for almost a year with no other human contact. all I had was social media this is awful for mental health and I am now left with severe depression anxiety and ocd. I had a boyfriend at the time, he was my first love, my everything really. We started dating a year before lockdown we only got serious a few months prior though. To say he was a miracle in my life is an understatement. Before him I did not even know what love was or how I deserved to be treated, I had no idea what normal human kind interactions of love were, I had not even been able to cry for 5 years. He opened my heart up he helped me understand all that had happened to me and how it was not my fault. He knew how much I went through and how much I was going through he put his life on hold to help me feel as comfortable as I could while I was stuck in the house. he would stay on the phone with me every day, he would plan virtual movie dates, he would write me letters, he would stay on the phone while I napped or slept to make sure I did not have nightmares, he would drop off gifts and food for me. (Lockdown meant everyone working from home in my house and all food and grocerys delivered, it was intense. For a year and a half.) during this time my friends all grew up, they are indecent now and although I still have close friends we drifted. My boyfriend was the only one who stayed by me helping me with everything. This time period caused me to decline mentally a lot, I took out all my anger at him, I was so mean to him Id yell at him. I have ocd and because it is triggered by my fathers teachings it can make me think I do not love my boyfriend or it can make me think he has hurt me physically/sexually/mentally etc. Id take out all my frustration on him. I was not a good girlfriend. He stayed by me though so patient never yelled never fought back he treated me with all the kindness I could have hoped to have when I was young. He knew how much I had been hurt and was still being hurt so he started working jobs to save up money to get me out once I turn 18, he contacted family to help him and help me. I felt guilty, him giving up his future for me. But he really did love me, he just wanted me to be happy and be there to see it. He knew about my disability and sickness he would help take care of me too. In January a lot of family issues arose, tragedies and death. I started spiraling then I was overwhelmed unbelievably overwhelmed I do not know exactly what happened a depressive episode maybe, manic episode I do not know. I broke up with my boyfriend out of no where. A mix of the guilt and just idk, I knew it was a mistake he was the only good thing in my life and my way out of this family but I broke up with him. Its been 7 months we talk every day I want him back I tell him that but I hurt him so much I gave up on him when he never gave up on me. Its too late for anything now, hes back on track with a new career plan and hes doing amazing. I am not. After I broke up with him I launched a online business reading astrological charts for people, I made an insane amount of money utilizing my social platforms. It robbed me of the passion I had for my hobby with astrology though, really burned me out. During quarantine to pass time I also became a certified doula. Youngest to become one from the program I trained with. I have no patience I worked day and night to create my business materials and it failed, never got work except for birth fetishizers that scammed me into talking about birth with them. Sick, traumatizing. This episode I had caused me to shut off emotion, I was unhinged just working my ass off just like before I met my boyfriend investing all my energy into work. Then I had a wake up call, realized how unhappy and miserable I am having to conform to hustle entrepreneurial ship culture just for freedom. I want to drive, I want to get a job outside. I want to go to school. I do not want this I do not want this at all. I am allowed to go out now, but every time I do I get panic attacks. Being in isolation for so long causes you to get overwhelm very easily. I can hardly function. My friends are all going to college now, I wanted to take a gap year to heal but I still have no independence. I lost it all I lost everything or maybe I just had nothing to begin with. My birthday is in a week. I get something I call birthday blues every birthday I feel so depressed and borderline suicidal. Most of my birthdays in my childhood were traumatic, it would be a peak day of abuse and such so now every birthday I just wish I was dead. This one is going to be the worse. I spent my whole life looking forward to turning 18. It was going to be the day I am free. Its not anymore. That was my only goal I told myself this every day ever single fucking day and now I am turning 18 with absolutely nothing. Nothing. I have nothing. I fought for this long and for what. For absolutely nothing. I thought last year would be my worst birthday. My then boyfriend knew I would not be allowed out even if its just outside to say hi. So he created a big surprise for me full of my favorite things and left it outside for me all I wanted to do was bring it in and get my flowers and balloons. I love flowers and balloons and I realized a new security system had been set and I was now completely trapped in the house. My dad was crowding around me he scares me a lot I have not talked to him in over a year I cannot without panicking. Hes scary. I ran to my room and sobbed all I wanted was to get my flowers and balloons. I locked myself in my room and cried all day, just like every year. My boyfriend was on the phone though. he would sing to me and tell me stories to help calm me down. Hes not here anymore and no one else is either. My friends are all living their own grown up lives now. Its just me now. And I told myself for years that all I had to do was turn 18 and it would be over. Now its worse than ever. I feel hopeless, I have never been happy in my life, I live in isolation, I feel like I am being held captive. I have lost everything. I never had anything to begin with.",Depression +21859,"But I am too much of a coward to kill myself.I am ugly as sin, useless, worthless... No one wants me around.. I have been trying to find a job since 18(I am 29 now) but not even getting 1 job, been on courses and training, I have volunteered(trained up as assistant manager while volunteering) for me to get declined a paid job for the same store when a job came up for some woman who had never done the job in her life, what was more insulting is I had to train her.... As a volunteer....I am just so sick of being alive... People flat out refuse to even look at me if I speak to them, they will literally talk in someone else's direction (even if I am alone asking for help in a store).... Please kill me lord..I am so unwanted even covid did not infect me..... I just want to die already.",Suicidal +21860,"Knowing you cannot take pictures, look in mirrors and in general just otherwise avoid any reflection of yourself so you do not have to view the hideous creature looking back is exhausting. My skin is so fucking god awful and my hair is a disaster. My teeth are permanently fucked and I am 26years old... knowing I will never be able to smile even after of thousands of dollars of dental work will kill anyone's self confidence no matter how small it was to begin with. I feel so bad every time i go out in public and some poor soul has to glance upon me for even a second. Just another thing to hate my biological scum bag parents for and I deeply regret them bringing me into this world Being ugly will ruin your life",Depression +21861,Its amazing the way we see the world when were little. We cannot wait to grow up and think its this beautiful magical place where we can do and be anything and live a long happy life. Only to grow up and realize how disappointing life truly is. I do not ever want to have kids. I cannot imagine bringing another human being into this world that could feel the way I do? I would not want my own child to suffer. Its so heavy having to deal with these thoughts. I remember when I was little and could not wait to grow up,Depression +21862,These are the pills I am on will they kill me? Can you die from zoloft overdose?,Suicidal +21863,If any of you feel like dming me feel free to do so. I think tonight might be the night Need someone to talk to,Suicidal +21864,"4 weeks ago I made the plunge and decided to take meds, started off on 75mg, lowest dose. I could not suffer anymore. It was everyday I was basically feeling empty af, no determination, no enjoyment in anything, it was either I started taking something or I was not going to keep putting up with the bullshit. I got to say, I do not feel a CRAZY difference just yet, but its there. I had one side effect since I started and it was a headache for a few days..other than that, its doing things-less agitated -feeling less empty inside-not hating life as much-enjoying activities again for the most part-ALOT less ocd, I am not finding myself re-living my past as much as I was, its as if I am in the present againI was scared to start medication, but I am glad I did. going to up my dose to 100mg and see if this stuff lives up to the hype. Wish me luck. Week 4 on wellbutrin",Depression +21865,"I am so tired of living. I have everything going for me, I have a job since past six years, I have a wife (who is pregnant with our first child), I even bought some property (with mortgage) recently. But, all I can think about it ending it all. I have started to hate my work. Every morning I wake up anxious and tired. I cannot quit my job because of the coming kid. I already know that I will not be able to work anywhere else. Everytime anyone scolds me at work, or criticize my performance, it hurts. I try my best but I am not perfect.I keep on asking myself 'what is the point? Why I am alive even? Am I really useless?' Sigh. All I want is to retire to a mountain place. Or may be death will be better. At least I have insurance so family will be okay. I am so tired.",Depression +21866,"I am so tired of my dull and meaningless life. I am alone all the time and it feels like everyone is out having fun without me. Whenever I try to actually do something and change my situation, I freeze and get scared and ruin my opportunity. Like I had an opportunity to fly to another state in the us for a summer job but I was too scared to go into the airport for the first time by myself. I want to change but my useless brain will not let me. I am trapped in anxiety or something. What is my problem and how do I make it stop I cannot go on like this anymore please help me. I do not know how to make it stop. What is wrong with me?",Depression +21867,"Living is not fun, I do not have any good days or moments. Its just days passing by, and they are all boringLast psychologist told me he could not help me and refuced to let me come back, I have been waiting 8 months for the next one now but have not heard anything back yet so who knowsI do not nessecarily want to die either. I am just bored and cannot imagine my future will be different. This just feels like all there is, if there is any positivity to my life if feels like it will be minor distractions. Maybe ill watch a good movie that distracts me for a bit, but as soon as its finished I am back to the nothingness of life.cannot remember anything of my childhood except for glimpses where I was bullied. Led me to be isolated and now have no friends, nor know how to make any. Tho idk if friends would make a difference Not sure if the will to live is the lack of wanting to die, or the fear of death. But I am stuck between the two apathetic every day",Suicidal +21868,I need help. I do not know if I just need someone to talk to or a friend or a gun in my mouth. Either way I need help. I feel like shit all the time. I want to end it but I am too much of a pussy to go through with it. I do not know what to do but I do not think I have much time left to decide. Help,Depression +21869,"I feel like people do not understand how hard it is to get better, I can do everything right and still feel depressed, its so hard to do anything. People think if I just go to therapy and stuff I ll be better but that is not how it works Its so hard living with depression",Depression +21870,I find myself never quite feeling joyful about anything. I am so over living in my hometown and I feel so trapped here. I feel isolated and physically uncomfortable often. My lease ends in 3 days so perhaps a fresh start will help add some zest to my life. The routine of working 40 hours a week is draining and I hope one day Ill feel more hopeful One day maybe Ill feel okay,Depression +21871,"I have a long history of SH and suicide attempts. I am really, really struggling tonight, after months of doing really well with my mental health. I tried to reach out to the guy I am talking to at the moment (we lived together for a while but he moved far away for a while, we recently expressed feelings for eachother and have started talking more online). I told him I am struggling tonight (he knows of my history and I know of his etc). His response? To send dick pics and talk about how he wants to fuck me. I was so confused?? This is not the caring guy I used to know. He sees nothing wrong with this and keeps trying to steer the convo towards sex. I said a few times that we are clearly in different states of mind at the moment, so I will leave him to it and talk soon. He then tells me that he thought he should 'keep it fun'. Meanwhile, I am sitting here so close to a major relapse. I do not know if I am in the wrong, somehow making him think that I wanted that sort convo?? My head is so loud right now and this situation just did not help. I am getting unwell again and the guy I am talking to is not helping... At all.",Suicidal +21872,"I have looked into acetaminophen but that is a slow and painful death, something I do not want.Melatonin, well, I cannot OD in that. Worst case scenario, I will just have really vivid dreams. I kind of want to find something where I can just have a peaceful sleep and never wake up. Best pills to die?",Suicidal +21873,"I have always struggled throughout many years of a 7 year relationship with the thought of suicide, I have lied to my father and mother about career prospects which I need to come clean on very shortly. I miss my old relationship to this day and I know I treated her badly.I genuinely believe the narrative my ex girlfriend has spun about me and that is that in a narcissist and I genuinely manipulate people for my own benefit and the discard them. I now recognise that the only benefit of me living is for myself and I think it is a superficial. Sure my mother and father will be upset if I went but how much of that actually has to do with me compared to the general grieving process. I feel so cold and calculated saying that but I am genuinely uninteresting and as methodical to think like that.I have hated my existence for years and I just do not see why I should continue. The girl I was seeing casually after my ex kissed a guy in front of me at a nightcluv",Suicidal +21874,"I am(16) just so tired. Fatigue that is indescribable. Everything is such a chore, socializing, past hobbies I have enjoyed, getting out of bed, hell even living on this planet is sufferable. Nothing is ever enough, medication, therapy, support from my family, what else could I possibly ask for? The bottles of pills on the counter look more tempting every day. Cutting myself and imagining leaving this world is the only enjoyment I feel. I want this pain to stop, and ending my life has come down to the last option, but I am only a few steps away from it. The guilt and shame that I feel in my own skin are getting overwhelming. it is like I am in a rainforest looking for a one-of-a-kind leaf, but that leaf is actually my purpose and will to live. Emotional pain is not the only problem, the restlessness and nausea from the extreme anxiety/paranoia are becoming insurmountable. I hate my family because they ACTUALLY care for me, without them I would have been gone a long time ago. Knowing that if I were to die, the emotional trauma and weight left behind would be devastating. I would rather give my life to someone who actually would care and appreciate it, not me. It could be in a few days, weeks, months, fuck I do not know, but I know it will happen someday. at my limit",Suicidal +21875,"Everything I fucking do.Everything everyone else does.it is just wrong.I hate it. Every day, life makes me so angry.All I want is out.All I want is free from this useless fucking skull.To stop puppeting around this facade that I am would be so relaxing.I fantasize about the blood leaving my body. The feeling that is left behind; nothing but ears ringing and cold.Just let me out.Please, I just want out.Hopefully I get the courage soon enough to escape on my own.Until then, I ask of you,Just listen for one fucking minute.To anybody except yourself.Just try it.You might save a life. cannot seem to get it right",Suicidal +21876,"Hi. I have so many problems and they probably all stupid but to me they are pushing me more and more to not being here anymore. My ex is now sleeping with other men. Which is hard, but extra hard because we did not do it for the last few years because she did not enjoy sex anymore. Which I know is because I have a tiny dick. Now i imagine her loving fu king people with nice big cocks and being so relieved to have moved on past me. Then I realise no woman will ever want to be with me. Even if they say its not a problem, its a massive compromise I do not want to force them into. I think about suicide a lot, but I have a 7 year old son and do not do it. But lately I get into these rages I do not know what they are. But when they come I can feel I may actually do something and will not be able to take it back once its done. I do not. Know what I want. Just venting might help inguess. I do not know how to live anymore",Suicidal +21877,"Hello. r/depression Expect some incoherence, here. I have had a 40. I will try and cover all the bases: career, love, relationships in general, self-esteem/worth. I will be 40, this year. I am graduating with a worthless Bachelor's in CIS this month. I recently moved to be closer with and provide a home for my daughter who is in the military. My boss loves me, my boss's boss loves me. My daughter loves me. I tried going on BetterHelp but, it is too expensive. I am intelligent, articulate, and charismatic. I am also, probably suffering from CPTSD...maybe...Without a real diagnosis, you have to calculate these things indirectly; kind of like an astronomer measures the distance between stars. So if we measure all the ""giftedness"" I had as a child and compare that to the actual output, setbacks, and emotional outbursts I have had in adulthood we can, maybe, probably say I am guessing the right sport...even if I am not in the ballpark. Anyways, I used to feel something. I used to have euphoria almost everyday. I was working out and eating healthy. I was attractive and I had a sex drive. I felt hopeful and motivated. I had a much stronger sense of self worth pursuing my degree than I feel on the verge of achieving it. The key, back then, was that I had a sense of purpose. I felt that the world wanted me, even needed me and that I would offer up my contribution as a good and kind friend, as a supportive coworker, as a loving and kind mother, as an educated and ""gifted"" woman.I do not feel hope. My dumb ass pursued work in a field that is demand is decreasing. I am alone in a city and state that I abhor. I am too old to seek out friends and I have been alone for so long that I am just fucking weird in public. At least, I feel that way. what is worse is, in spite of feeling sadness, I feel hollow. I am sad because I do not feel the actual sadness. I never understood how people become entitled ""incels""; how they will not just get in the problem and do the emotional work and the physical work to get themselves out of their heads. Well, I think I know why, now. Sometimes, some people do not have access to their creative reasoning. Some people do not have access to their visual mind and literally cannot see a way. Some people cannot access the core emotion that drives them and pushes them to move forward. I have, somehow, become one of those people. I feel owed something for all my years of work. I am creeping ever closer to my sense of insignificance in this world; how plain an lackluster I truly am and I am acting out in stupid, uppity ways. I drink nearly every day. I used to drink occasionally in a year. I want to take up smoking again. Addictions used to scare me but, with the ever increasing sense of doom and hopelessness I have, any dirty spot under a bridge somewhere, homeless and single minded, feels like the right space to be in. Tomorrow, I am going to do a thing that is always worked for me in the past. I am going to make myself suffer. I am going to cut off YouTube, Reddit, and Facebook. I am going to wake up early and exercise and study and read and force the world into slow motion. I am going to let go of the beer and sugar and flood my body with veggies all day. I am going to meditate. I am going to relinquish my idea of who I am and what I am worth and set long term goals but, force myself to have short sight that only encompasses being in this moment doing as much as I possibly can to exceed my own expectations. This used to work. It has worked every single time in the past. I hope I have not squeezed the magic out of it by allowing myself to repeat this cycle. No one owes me anything. I do not owe anybody anything. I am curious to know what I am capable of and what I look like as my very best version of myself; this takes embracing every moment with enthusiasm and without judgement. If I were the best version of myself I would take the energy I use to fight moments I am not comfortable with and use it to express some greatness from within. I should not wish for good days. I should strive to be good to my day. So, now that I have spoken to a bunch of strangers who probably will not read this goddamn mess. I have a sense of how to go about this. Thank you reddit for having this thread. I know I have broken a rule because I have not really asked for anything but, I mean...I kind of just am asking to be witnessed. I think. Would you please be a witness to this terribly painful moment in my life? Feel nothing's worse than feeling misery",Depression +21878,"I have had cancer, currently have 2 chronic pain conditions that because daily pain, and I am not able to work right now. I have thought multiple times about tapping out because I am so tired of the pain but I have not because of my husband and my elderly parents. I have also always said if I did do it Id do it on my birthday so that there would not be multiple days a year that people have to think about me. Well my husband of 18 years has decided hes done with me and our marriage and my birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. If I can just make it past my birthday I know I have to make it another year but right now 2 weeks seems impossible. Just 2 more weeks",Suicidal +21879,God please hear my cries and make the pain stop I cannot bear it no more My face is fucked my eyes are fucked I just look so soulless and empty...,Suicidal +21880,"I do not have energy for anything I enjoy. The thought of doing something I enjoy gives me so much anxiety and guilt. Time flies by so fast I feel like as soon as I wake up the day is over an hour later. I wonder where my whole day went. I feel so worthless and overwhelmed. I am functioning only enough to keep my kids and myself alive. I want to feel alive so much. I do not feel anything at all, sometimes Ill feel overwhelming sadness, that is it. I feel love when I talk to my kids, but one has autism and one has adhd I often wonder if they really do love me or if they love me only because I am all they have. Any advise on how to be alive and feel alive would be appreciated. Thank you Feeling very alone in this world.",Depression +21881,"I am only existing. And only for the sake of my parents, my brother and my best friend. Literally those are all the people that are at least giving the slightest shit about me being still here. I want to kill myself so bad but I do not want them to be sad or to blame themselves. that is literally the only thing that is keeping me here, and the fact that I would be too scared to fail. I am trying to survive everyday and each day it gets harder and just more exhausting. I am at university. Do I want to? Nope. Do I do anything for it? Nope. Would I want anything else? Also nope. Am I just doing this so my mom can think I have everything under control? Yes. I am so tired and exhausted. I do not care about nothing and I do not enjoy anything anymore, for so fucking long. I just want it to stop, I really really, really do not want to be here anymore, trying the best I still can, only for the sake of like 4 people. I am so fucking tired. Stuck",Depression +21882,i accidentaly forced the ones i love out of my live bc i do not know how to deal with the shit in my head i fucking hate myself,Depression +21883,"I think its time for me to pull the plug. I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and just overall sadness and darkness ever since I could remember. I first attempted when I was 8 tho I did not think it through at the time, and tried off and on ever few years. I would pull myself together for a short while only to collapse again, each being harder and more painful. I have so many addictions from antidepressants to pain medication to other drugs. My health is down the tube and I have no one else that will support me. I am all alone and I want to die. I am standing near a bridge right now as I type this post. I want to wait until it is dark so people will not see me jump, but I am not sure if I can stop myself. I know it will be painful, I know it will hurt my family who I know loves me deep down but cannot show it in a way I understand. I know that most people can get through life without much issue with situations much worse than mine. But I am not strong. I do not want to just survive anymore. My life is a waste and I am just a burden to society. I wish I had more time. I wish I could complete more things on my bucket list. I wish I could find love again and have the will to live again but I have run out of any resemblance of willpower to survive. I am scared to die but I am more terrified of what the rest of my life may entail if I do not pull the plug. If this is the end of me at least I go out as myself, at least I die as me and not some drugged up she will of me. At least I get to leave behind a message for the world to see. Maybe no one will care, maybe no one will even read it, but its my message to the world. I have an email setup to send out my message to a few key people at a certain time. I have always wanted to change the world. Maybe this is the only way I can. My Time has come",Suicidal +21884,"Being a boy is so much easier I fucking hate being a girl. You grow more fat, you have periods, higher sex assault percentage and it just sucks in general. Society expects girls to shave, be pretty and skinny. I just fucking hate it. I fucking hate being a girl",Suicidal +21885,"I am from the UK and wanted to know that if you do not show any signs of improvement in a mental hospital, do they end up giving up on you and throwing you out or do they keep you in there until you make the smallest improvement so they can push you out the door? I had a question about mental hospitals",Suicidal +21886,Oops Haha lol wwyd if I just died tonight lol,Suicidal +21887,Can I just get some random or funny comments? Please make me smile (: Always ~*depressed,Depression +21888,"I cannot do it, I just cannot. I am so done. I am going to die at 50. I am not going to be able to do anything physical. Fuck I am such a waste of life. Working out",Depression +21889,Everything seems to be falling apart. I can no longer see the positive.,Suicidal +21890,"I often have these negative mantras and this is the one that is persisting today. I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate myself",Suicidal +21891,Hi. it is my first time posting here. A couple of weeks ago I had a major breakdown and I am so lucky as I have been getting lots of support but tonight is the first night I have spent alone since the incident. I am just so lonely. I am not big on social media and do not have friends that I can confide in. If anyone has experience of this or just would like to chat that would be nice. Very lonely right now.,Depression +21892,"Rose-tinted glasses or blue? If 20/20 vision of life is what you want, choose the blues, according to two psychologists whose recent study concludes that depressed people have a more accurate view of reality than non-depressed people.""It is ironic,"" says Lauren B. Alloy, associate professor of psychology at Northwestern University, ""but folks who tend to be normal and positive tend to see reality slightly askew."" And those who are depressed, alas, are ""sadder but wiser.""The study, the latest in 10 years of testing theories of depression conducted with Lyn Abramson, associate professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, examined emotional reactions to mid-term grades among 144 students, most of whom had been assessed as mildly to severely depressed, having experienced symptoms that ranged from saddness and lethargy to sleeplessness and interrupted appetite to thoughts of suicide.Alloy says the results challenge established theories that depressed people suffer a ""learned helplessness"" from the erroneous belief that they have no control over their lives, and that depressives not only see things negatively but actively distort reality in a negative way.""Instead, the depressed students were very accurate in judging their degree of control over events,"" reports Alloy. ""It was the non-depressed students who made the systematic errors in grossly over-estimating their control when the event had a good outcome {when they actually} had no control over it. And non-depressants underestimated their control when the event had a negative outcome.""Alloy and Abramson found that people suffering the doldrums proved most accurate in making judgments about themselves and less keen at sizing up other people, whom they saw in unrealistically optimistic terms -- just the opposite of how normal people see things.""It appears depressed people might be suffering from an absence of the positive bias and illusions that normal and nondepressed people tend to have,"" says Alloy. ""They have lost the capacity for distorting reality in a positive direction.""It seems to be more healthy, the researchers found, to have a slightly positive view of reality, even if its slightly distorted. Sadder but wiser",Depression +21893,"I feel like I am definitely not allowed to cry or show emotions, yesterday evening I tried to write about my emotions and to me I felt like even writing that i feel sad is a failure or makes me a weak person. I feel like if i cry that means i am too sensitive or that i just need to stop being wet. Its so weird when it comes to jokes and stuff like that it takes a lot to offend me or make me feel uncomfortable i have a very dark sense of humour, so in that aspect i would not say I am very sensitive, however if I am in a bad mood someone could make a simple throw-away comment and I would get offended. Like i do not understand myself to be honest. I feel like eating my emotions feels like the only way to deal with my emotions because I feel like most people cope with their mental health by constantly using humour so does that make the people who cope with their mental health by crying, weird or weak or that they are just too sensitive I am eating my emotions and I do not know how to get out of this",Suicidal +21894,"i try to put myself out there. i try to do more. if I am not anxious, then I am depressed and drained. no one has time for me anymore. I have been applying places for months to get out of the goddamn house just to get rejected or ignored. i sought out therapy only to find out it was not available. i do not find any joy in the things i wanted to dedicate my life to. i do not think anything right now about slashing my wrists open and letting myself drain out and die. i do not care anymore. there is no point. I have exhausted every other option",Suicidal +21895,"When I bought my first car in April, I felt so overwhelmed that I immediately thought to kill myself.When my closest friends graduated this last spring (I have one more year than they do in college), I immediately thought to kill myself.I just bought my first pet on my own, I love her to pieces and she is the sweetest dog, but I immediately think to kill myself.I got the tutoring position I was working hard to get at my school: immediately thought to kill myself.Anyone else struggle with this? it is so exhausting, but also relieving because I know there is an escape / alternate choice. Of course, I do not ever plan to go through with it. it is just the thoughts I have.I think I just really want to escape my emotions, and that is the permanent/easy way to do so. Is it normal to want to kill yourself after life choices, major and minor?",Suicidal +21896,"It has become clear to me we are headed towards major crises and they are going to blow up soon.Government changes in South America, the possibility of civil war and violent revolution. Losing my loved ones. Disasters from climate shenanigans. Major global powers turning more hostile.Even if we all make it out alive. The coming new governments would probably be radical and make any of the things we enjoyed, directly or indirectly, impossible to enjoy ever again.If everything is headed to shit, why even bother living right now.I wish I could just grab everyone I know and agree to just collectively end our existence as to not worry about the future anymore. Societal collapse",Suicidal +21897,i want to do something super fucked up and then die. its all I have been thinking about and i literally cannot take my mind off of it all i can think about is killing myself,Suicidal +21898,"I hope this is not cringey or whatever, I am new here on reddit and I thought maybe I can feel better reading strangers' advice on the internet.Anyway, i do not know how common it is but when I am in a depressive episode I want to cry all the time, but not because I am sad, I do not know how to explain but my eyes just start to tear when something reminds me I am failure or not worthy or whatever, but I never cry at that moment, the problem comes when I am finally in my room, alone, at nights, when I can fully cry whatever the hell I want but nothing come out, why does this happen?I really want to kick out this bad feeling with crying, maybe it will work, but I am just blocked, cannot cry but also cannot feel other thing like joy or simple peace.Thank you in advance for your help. I want to feel better",Depression +21899,"Not sure what to do. I will go in alone, stay alone, come home alone, never touched, nothing changes. there is a wall around me no matter where I go, so I really should die. I am ugly, mentally fucked up, absolutely useless, and no one will ever want me again. Every day, every minute, excruciating loneliness. Death is horrifying but the thoughts will not stop. No one will touch me and I have to die.Only problem is I do not want the hospital messing with my Suboxone. they are abusive, and I take a small dose because I am sensitive to it. 2 mg would kill me. They will not allow me to take my dose, and I will go into withdrawal, or they will make me take a whole strip and torture me. I do not need chemical abuse on top of my problems, and that is exactly what they will do. They will not do anything to help because they cannot. No matter where I go, no one will want me, so I have to die but I cannot. I am going insane. But I cannot take anti-psychotics because I still have damage from the last ones years ago. Antidepressants do not work. ECT does not work and I still have brain damage from that. I cannot stay alive and I cannot die. I do not know what to do. The hospital will torture me and I cannot go there but I might have to even though they will make it worse.What do I do? I think I might need to go to the hospital, but they will screw with my meds and I will have withdrawal.",Suicidal +21900,I might do it tonight. The few people who I felt loved by I do not think like me anymore. I panicked and tried to give people a sign I am not okay and now I think they all hate me more. I am tired of living with constant anxiety. I just give up for the first time in my life. I always tried to power through negative thoughts but its too much now. I fuck everything up,Suicidal +21901,I am completely inconsequential. I do not matter at all. No one contacts me first ever. No one invites me anywhere. I am entirely worthless and matter to no one and I am sick of it. I want out of this worthless fucking she will I am trapped inside of. No one truly gives a shit about me,Suicidal +21902,"I am in the worst place mentally that I have ever been in since I was first diagnosed with depression 6 years ago. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I have a job and I work around 25-35 hours per week, but it takes up all of the energy I can possibly give, and when I am not working I just sit at home and do nothing most of the time. I do not even enjoy watching tv or movies anymore. I have no motivation or energy to hang out with friends or family and I always end up cancelling plans. This is absolutely destroying all of my relationships and I hate it so much. The most basic tasks like brushing my teeth or showering feel impossible a lot of the time. I feel like a failure and I am only 19, yet I feel like my life is over. I am so depressed I cannot even watch tv anymore",Depression +21903,I want to end it I know how to do it quickly it does not help the my dad is always talking about how expensive my meds are THEN do not FUCKING BUY THEM I have LIVED THIS LONG WITHOUT THEM I do not NEED THEM THEY do not MAKE ME HAPPY THEY MAKE ME NUMB WITH BIG WAVES OF SADNESS I WANT TO FEEL THINGS AGAIN EVEN IF ITS BADI HATE THERAPY I HATE MEDS AND I HATE THAT I CARE ABOUT MY DAD WASTING MONEY BECAUSE I.HATE.HIM SOMETIMES YOU got to LET GO OF PEOPLE SO WHY IS EVERYONE STILL HOLDING ONTO MEJUST LET ME FUCKING GOI needed to rant but generally I need moral support right now say literally anything nice please I am SICK AND TIRED OF THIS LIFE I am THIS CLOSE TW:WANTING DEATH,Depression +21904,"At this point i feel like I am completely at peace with the idea, its not like a deppresion type suicide anymore because honestly i do not have anything to blame it on. Well mabye getting molested as a child but yeye. But i mean everyone got their own shit they struggle with and i hope all you people will be all good one day.Going to be alot more reckless with my drug use, best case i get high asf, worst i die lolThank you for taking the time to read my post Idk anymore man",Suicidal +21905,"I am trying so hard not to give into these negative thoughts. I know nobody can help me. I moved to start a new life and it has been nothing but bullshit. I was staying with someone up here but they stole from me so I am literally living in my car while I wait for my first paycheck. I do not even have a place to shower or bathe. I know some people have it much worse, but I cannot go back home because my family is not my family. I am processing so much and feel horrible. I watched someone I know have a miscarriage last week and it is burned into my mind. I have faith in a higher power but I do not know what to do anymore. I do not have any family to talk to and all my friends have screwed me over. I cannot help that I am different. I feel like a alien in this world. I have made mistakes in my past but I try every day to make the world a better place and it does not matter. Nobody cares. I do not want to keep living this life, but I have to because suicide is a sin. I am just so emotionally and mentally tired and it is scary because I came here to follow my dream, and now I am homeless with things stolen from me and living in my car for at least 3 more weeks, as a single woman. I am exhausted because I cannot get a good night's rest, strangers I meet treat me horribly, and I had to cut out pretty much everyone from my life. I feel lost, and just exhausted. I do not see the point anymore. The world does not want people like me",Suicidal +21906,What are people doing without kids in their 30s? I am so bored. I have no interest in anything. I cannot make friends (moved to a new state in 17 and moved cities just before lockdown). Even if I knew people I do not know that I would want to be around them. I used to work a lot but I do not do that anymore. I have too many hours and a ton of apathy. I try to stay positive for my husband who feels the same but it is hard to keep on a good face. It all feels so pointless. What is there?,Depression +21907,"For your partner to treat mean just because they are in a bad mood ? They take everything out on me. I find it funny when they say they cannot wait for me to get home, they miss me and when I am home I am treated like crap. Like how can you say I am the sweetest person but yet treat me so poorly. Idk how much more I can take I find myself crying and I am a grown man. The way I am being treated I would not allow before idk why I am letting happen now. Is it right",Depression +21908,"I was naive enough to think that marriage and kids would mean eternal happiness. Though I love them very much and will continue to live because of them, there are many things I am finally woke about that make me wish I had died (or never existed) when I was younger and had no bonds to anyone:- Evils of humanity...sharing the world with rapists, pedophiles, criminals- Selfishness of humanity...friendships are not genuine, humans are abusive and users- Lifelong wage slavery- Capitalist society and brainwashed bootlickers - Inescapable debtMinor situations make me distresses and leave me longing that I had died eons ago.I love my partner but sometimes I wish I never met him. I simply wish I had killed myself long ago when I had no one. I keep wishing I killed myself when I was a child. Now, I cannot do it because of obligations.",Suicidal +21909,When I am in public I look at all sort of people all ages and ask myself how they can live. How are these people capable of wanting to live their life especially people that are 30+. I cannot imagine turning 30 or 40 one day and then doing the same stuff again as now life is already so boring how do these people still have so much hope and joy in their lives When I am in public,Suicidal +21910,"I am turning 19 soon but I still view myself as a kid, not a teenager like a 10-11 year old who never really grew up. I also look quite young and cannot really associate myself with most people my age. Sometimes I wish I could be friends with people that r 12-13 but I would not do that bc its kind of creepy and weird i know that but I just do not feel real I still feel like a child",Suicidal +21911,"Hey guys, I am from Australia. Does anyone here just feel like you cannot win? I am on Prozac which does work but its leaving me unable to orgasm and decrease libido. I know for some this is not important, but its really making me frustrated in my relationship. I would love to switch to something with les sexual side effects but the only one that stands out to me is Wellbutrin which is not available in AUS unless you want to pay $120 a month for it. Mitrazipine could work, but as someone who already struggles with their weight - the metabolic side effects are not worth it. Overall - just frustrated that in australia we do not really have a solid drug that does not have huge effects on metabolism AND sexual dysfunction - anyone in the same boat? Living in Australia",Depression +21912,"How do you go to your friends who have openly *wanted* to be a support for you after an attempt in earnest? I used to always joke about my mental health being garbage, edgy millennial existential crisis jokes, etc. I cannot discuss it seriously even in a serious context. Like, I attempted to take my life 4 days before my 27th birthday last month and I still have not talked about the event, or feelings leading up to or after seriously. Yesterday my friend was checking up on me and asked how art/crafting was going and I joked ""cannot kill yourself if your hands are too busy!"". Even when my psychiatrist was following up with me and asked how I was, I replied ""I am fine and you?"" How do you, if you have, shake off the uncomfortable need to comfort others or lighten a mood when people are wanting to care about you? I still do not want to be a burden, which that ideology on its is my **why**. I do not know how to acceot help, I guess. Sorry for the ramble post, I am pretty alone even if it is self inflicted at this point. It was always a joke, till it was not.",Suicidal +21913,"My partner does not know how I am tired I am. I still work, I still wear make up. I still wash. I get drunk every other day. I am sat here thinking about how lonely I am as I cannot for friendships. Abuse for years. I cannot go into details but let us please for the love of got someone show me something. A joke? Anything do not want to get into details but I am tired in every way possible",Depression +21914,"I have been having the same issue for a long time now. I try to improve my situation by doing stuff and distracting myself, trying to find new peers but it does not really seem to help or work out. Then when I am feeling down people (especially my toxic mom) says that I do not try and should just find friends and be happy. She never offers support or help and just says that I am depressed and super lazy. I put in effort but almost nobody sees it",Suicidal +21915,"I have tried before, it has not worked. Researching how to be more effective... this seems to be the only suicide sub... can anyone help me figure out how to properly hang myself? Seems to be the best method outside firearms, and I do not have access to a gun. Thanks! How to Hang Yourself",Suicidal +21916,I need an escape from everything and I absolutely hate myself. What over the counter meds can I take to escape but not quite kill myself? How do I safely overdose?,Suicidal +21917,I need stuff to kms and idk where to get stuff. We can go together. Are there any mentally ill and suicidal people on their LAST straw (you are set to go) in NYC?,Suicidal +21918,"It is hard as hell not to feel bad about this past month. I have how sometimes in life when something goes wrong, it keeps sucking until you die. I hate that some mistakes cannot be fixed. I am trying to hold out hope for the future, but I am constantly reminded of what my life is now. I just have to remind myself I did not know, but I hate that I have to suffer for my naivety. Trying to stay positive. I really do not want to take antidepressants. Feeling down",Depression +21919,"The only real method I can think of that would for sure work is a falling from height on a bridge, but that takes immense planning. I just wish I could have a quick, five-minute, permanent return to the void. Killing myself is wayyyy too hecking difficult.",Suicidal +21920,I am starving and i just cannot take it anymore. there is no help n no love or hope for me. :( Homeless hungry and going to end it all tonight,Suicidal +21921,"I should start by saying that I know I have a blessed life. My parents are still together and love me and my siblings unconditionally. I live in a developed country where there is no war. My parents paid for all my college and I was a great student. I got a job 1 month after graduation and never lost it.All of this just makes me feel shittier about the absolute mess that is the inside of my head.I worry about my mother dying on a daily basis. she is a workaholic with a terrible autoimmune disease. When I was younger my grandmother told me I needed to force my mother to go to the doctor otherwise she was not going to go and I was going to let her die. she is been going lately. And that is all the more worrying because I know that means she cannot handle it by herself anymore. Despite working hard all her life, she also realised this year she will never be able to afford to move to a house with any of the things she is always wanted for us. She often cries saying that she wishes we did not live in this cramped apartment, even though me and my siblings are fine with it. My heart breaks for her and I cannot do anything about it. My grandmother had several strokes these last two years. She stayed with us until it was impossible for us to keep her here. She went to live with my uncle and was mistreated by them. she is now in a nursing home and cries every time I talk to her on the phone. She has lost most of her ability to speak but her brain is still OK so she gets incredibly frustrated at her body and her situation. I want her to keep living but at the same time I think about how I will off myself before I am ever in the same situation as her.I am in my late twenties and I have had anxiety and depression since I can remember. I never did well socially. I am an average-looking person and I am intelligent and funny in that sarcastic way so I did have a few admirers (mostly of the creepy kind) and some superficial friends but I was also the forgettable person. In high school, the group of people I walked home with made plans in front of me without ever inviting me. They did not even pretend to be sorry about it. This is also my fault. I act nice and I am a people-pleaser because I do not like confrontation as it makes life harder but I never really care about anyone. I do not miss people when I am not with them. I never get texts and I barely have any phone numbers on my phone. Just my very close family. I have never kissed or dated anyone. At the same time, I am so incredibly lonely because I cannot connect with anyone that I often cry myself to sleep over it.At work, I am regarded as a high-performer, despite the fact that I have recently slept entire mornings/afternoons when I should have been working, now that I am WFH. I just lie through my teeth during the morning stand-ups. My coping mechanism is just shutting down and sleeping so that is what I do. It sometimes gets to a point where I cannot tell what is reality or dream. I have a very stressful job. I am doing the work of 6 people since the team was reduced and then all the more senior people left. The previous knowledge the team had was also lost so I struggle to figure it out by myself. This job is totally unrelated to any of my majors (2, that I took just because I did not know what I wanted to do) and it is a meaningless, ok-paid, dead-end job. I have looked for other things but there is nothing. I feel completely trapped in this job, my parents house where I cannot make any decisions but cannot move because I cannot afford to, and perpetually worried about my family. I look into the future and I just see the same or worse. And each day, I get more tired of this faade. Last year, I almost opened the car door and threw myself in the middle of the highway. I have been thinking about this more and more frequently. I now think about this every day. I am just wondering what the point of continuing with this is. I live through all of this just so I can have maybe one day per month or less where I get to do what I want to do and to be happy. I cannot bear the thought that I will have to live another 40+ years of this. I do not have the courage to off myself directly but throwing myself off a cliff, a bridge or in the middle of traffic sounds wonderful. I just want peace in my head. I feel trapped",Suicidal +21922,"due to abusive household, i cannot do video call or phone call interviews. Not looking for betterhelp just an indpendent cousnelor that can do this Is text therapy or email therapy a thing",Depression +21923,"When will I be free, I was promised freedom, it was all a lie On and off on and off",Depression +21924,My family's always struggled with money and My dad was finally able to get his trucking business off the ground these past few months. I am going to wait until things are stable and set. Then hopefully I will be able to end things without worrying too much about their ability to take care of themselves. it is not perfect but at least they will be able to fall back on the money. Plus I do not want to distract them when the business is still shaky and new. Waiting Till My Family Is More Financially Stable,Suicidal +21925,"Or did not struggle to love myself..... maybe things would be easier if I did not struggle to. Idk how people do this day in, day out I really wish I loved myself..",Depression +21926,"After 2 attempts the latest one 2 weeks ago, I feel I have an understanding of what life can be. I have been given a new perspective of my own capabilities and acknowledgement that bringing joy into my life is my responsibility regardless of my upcoming and current situation. Some positivity",Suicidal +21927,"Hello,My gf and I are together for 8 years. we have been through a lot, including me becoming depressed. She helped and motivated me to go to therapy. Also she was and is there for me when I feel like shit.But sometimes it leads to bigger problems. She is not an unwritten piece of paper and got her own package to carry. In which I support her. Over the time it seems like she is partly a reason for my state. I consider her as depressive tto, even though she was never diagnosed.And I feel like I cannot take it. I cannot handle it. Even though I am in the miserable state and should know how it feels like. But I cannot. Sometime we argue for weeks, with her telling me that I do not care for her in the way she does for me. I try my best to comfort her, but it is to much. I truly care for her, but it seems that I can not give her what she needs. And it makes me feel worseI'm thinking about a break up. It would be unfair against her, because she did so much for me and all I do ist quitI'm done, sick of it, I do not know what to do and it drives me insane Depressed but cannot deal with other people's problems",Depression +21928,"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, sorry I am very overwhelmed and stressed and I hate the internet and I hate ppl, somebody made a joke and I did not get it so I got angry at them cz I thought they were being stupid and ppl did not like that I got angry, I keep fucking up everything, I have not taken my meds I soooo long, I want to just die, I want to sleep forever, I want to disappear, I wish to no longer exist, just poof, gone, forever just like that, anyways I am tired so imma sleep gn so much is going on",Suicidal +21929,"Hi everyone, I am kind of lost, it is kind of hard, I will try my best to explain everything, but I need you guys advices, or at least know what you think about all of this. Also, I do not know if it is the right subreddit to post in, but all of this really makes me feel depressed. I am a 24yo European dude living in a small town in France. I had a classic scholarship until 18yo. When I obtained my high school diploma, I took a 1 year break from everything, then did 2 years of college in language studies (English + init. Japanese). Those years I was living with my now ex-girlfriend. She literally did not care about me at all while I was driving further and further in depression. that is where I got my new passion, thanks to some YouTube vloggers : Japan.Life has always been boring. Where I live there is no future for anyone. there is no job opportunities, it is depression land, clearly. I am telling that to add the fact that I have always been seeking for a great life. School advisers and parents always made me understand that having dreams and stuff was stupid, that I had to be realistic, and choose a classic path. I was against that. Back to my college years and the revelation, I decided for the first time of my life to dedicate myself to this dream : making my life in Japan.It was tough socially, because people used to think I was a child loving anime and being delusional. But living in Japan and learning Japanese was things I took very seriously, I literally spent night and days studying the language, and learning about the country, the good and bad aspects, the social codes, etc... everything that I could get with the Internet.I signed up on some penpals websites, I was chatting around with some Japanese boys and girls, and then this girl e-mailed me. I do not want to say too much about it, but we ended up together, we already met a lot (well, not since COVID-19), and it is been 1 year and a half now. You know what? I think it is the one, so far. we will see. Anyway.I really studied ways to go living in this country, because it is tough.First I wanted to go to a language school, but I needed a LOT of money. I also wanted to do a working holiday visa but it also requires a huge amount of money. let us remember the fact that where I live, there is no job offers, and I am not exaggerating : the equivalent 3/4 of the population of my town is registered in the French work agency (those agencies under the government who deal with job offers and jobless people, that is just how it works in this country). So school and WH visa seems they are impossible goals to reach.A friend of mine already working in Japan had a job offer for me as a graphic designer in Tokyo. Guess what? I am doing graphic design since the age of 11. I have a professional level, I can totally work in this domain. So this friend wanted to recommend me to his manager to hire me when the borders are open.The problem is, and that is what I learned today : they were forced to hire someone else because the borders are not going to open until months. Which was obvious but I was still believing because, it was the best opportunity I ever had in my entire life, to finally quit this boring life in a small town without any future for anyone, and be who I wanted to be in Tokyo, with the dream job, living my best life with the girl I am planning to eventually marry one day.As I said, I was believing, so I was already saving money thanks to a 1 year help from the government (so 500 per month for 1 year).Today, the day this door closed in front of my nose, I am just sad. I dedicated so much time studying paths to reach my goal, every single path became a closed door. Is my destiny being stuck here to my parents house forever?I just lost every single bit of motivation, for studying the language, for keeping it up and doing things right for the future I wanted (and still want). Happiness is forbidden. All those efforts to be back stuck in the initial position, AGAIN. it is like seeing an open door, approaching it, and seeing it closing brutally to your face. I tried many ways to achieve my dreams, everytime it just failed. I do not know what to do anymore, I am just lost. there is my girlfriend waiting for me, we did not meet for so long, and there is my willing to finally start my adult life. what is the point of all of that if life keeps slapping all the doors to my face like this? And it is also about people around me : everyone were so hyped up for me to succeed, and I am just failing again.Today I wanted to read my books about Japan and study a little bit, then the news came out, my friend told me that they hired someone instead of me. I just spent my entire day looking at the ceiling, trying to not have a mental breakdown. Happiness is forbidden",Depression +21930,Hi so I have been talking to this girl for like 3 weeks and I really like her and I told her and surprisingly she likes/liked me too. I was happy and planned to meet her and she later told me she would not be able to make it. She told me she wants to 'focus on herself.' I know what this means and it hurt me a lot. I have not felt suicidal in many years but this situation brought that feeling back. I am numb right now but in a few hours I will cry my eyes out I know Help,Suicidal +21931,"A few months ago, around March, i attempted to starve myself on two occasions, as dumb as that sounds. I kind of always knew deep down it was a very implausible ineffective method. The first time I only lasted two days without eating, the second attempt was four days. I did it when I was home alone but both times I had to start eating again because my sister arrived at our place. I had to pretend that everything was normal so I had to let her see me eat at least a little until she left again, but when she did I was no longer committed and did not continue my attempts even after she left.In in a much better place now. I am no longer attempting suicide, I do not even know why I am writing on here now so many months after. I guess i had not even processed or had not admitted to myself the fact that i have actually attempted suicide twice now. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. it would be nice to hear from some of you guys.Looking back I cannot help feeling so pathetic for picking such a stupid method. I am not anorexic or anything, if anything i wish I could put on more weight. I have severe gastritis and heartburn issues so it really hurts to eat, May was particularly bad. I just wish I could eat without it hurting again I am tired of the chronic pain. Suicide attempt by self starving twice",Suicidal +21932,"Sorry, I am unsure if this is the right subreddit to post. I already know I have all the goods: severe depression, adhd, anxiety, you name it. But today, after like 50 hours put into a game, something happened that caused me to waste/lose at least two hours worth of progress and it immediately made me lose interest and motivation to keep going. This happens all the time to me, in the sense of a small thing leading me into loss of a feeling of having something to do, loss of motivation, and then boredom that melts into depression. Where I then end up sitting around all day in bored, unable to convince myself to even bother trying another game (my only comfort hobby I have) or even get up. I hate feeling like this over small inconveniences, and I just do not know what I can do to get out of the funk until I find a new thing to hyper fixate on and distract me from being bored/depressed. Easily depressed and unmotivated",Depression +21933,"People always say that things will get better, and that good things will happen if you just keep on living. I think they are lying, for about the last 2 or 3 year my mental health has declined every day. I really want to believe that things will get better, but I just cannot. Just be honest and say that life goes downhill after you turn 23.Another thing I find irritating is how people respond to a person killing themselves, it is always what could we have done to prevent this? I do not know, have that talk about suicide before someone kills themselves. it is like going to a burning house 10 hours after the fire stopped just to pour one bucket of water on it and thinking that it is going to help.If you are reading this line, I want to thank you for listening to a 17-year-old guy rant about not wanting to live. When does the pain end?",Suicidal +21934,"My whole life I feel like I have been going through the struggle. My dad is an abusive and toxic parent that put me through so much as a kid into early adulthood. I worshipped him until I was 20 and a light bulb went off in my head and I realized all the bullshit he put me through. I have separated from that relationship but still feel the effects of it. I have been heavily depressed the last few years. My mom died 2 years ago and I worked a low paying depressing job for a long time. This year I really wanted to get out of the rut I was in, and I got a new better paying job, and am starting to make friends for the first time since freshman year of high school. For a moment there it seemed like things were finally starting to look up, but in a very short period of time work became a lot more tense, some drama has members of my family hating me (thankfully only the toxic members as the cool ones know what is up) but it is still really getting to me. I got a kitten to help with my mental health but it died after a few weeks. My roommate is moving out at the end of our lease despite originally agreeing to stay another year, and I am worried I cannot afford to live on my own yet. there is a girl I like but she does not like me. I am getting hit with insane medical bills. I know this sounds like typical stuff people have to deal with, but it is happening all at once and I cannot remember the last time I was happy for any significant amount of time. I feel so alone and lost, and I feel like I have just kept going through hell over and over again my entire life. Will it ever get better? Will I ever not be alone? Is happiness even possible? I do not know what to do",Depression +21935,"I am turning 18 in a couple days and have literally no friends and am absolutely shit at anything socially, i feel so much pressure to be the happy sociable dude everyone around sees me as, but in reality I am so fucking lonely and unhappy and die of anxiety thinking of even getting close to people, let alone tell them I am struggling, i just wish i had someone i could talk to that had no expectations for me. I do not even want to fucking kill myself i just do not want to live with all this anger and loneliness anymore What the fuck is the point anymore",Suicidal +21936,"I am less than two months from going to graduate school, and yet I have never been closer to committing suicide. I have the majority of a plan in place and everything. If I make it to grad school, I have two years of that, and then an internship to start my job, which I can do pretty much anywhere in the country. It feels so far away. It feels like it will never happen. Even in high school I told myself to look forward, that college will be better. It was not, I spent my days laying in bed or working. Now I am afraid grad school is going to be the same loneliness and isolation, so much that I am fully prepared to end it before then. Why does life take so long to get started? Why is the ticket to true happiness and self-determination so elusive? Why does the tunnel to happiness keep going endlessly?",Suicidal +21937,"This is meant to be a positive post. As a person who suffers with depression, I sometimes forget that I am lovable. Its always so helpful when people remind me :) If you have a loved-one with depression, what are some reasons you still love them despite what they are going through?",Depression +21938,So I have been struggling with depression for some time. Last year it hit a head when I actually attempted suicide. The problem is that one of my hobbies was rifle shooting. I even had a custom made $1000 rifle I assembled myself. I am a rather skilled marksman (markswoman?) but obviously having guns around is dangerous for me. I ended up selling my guns to a friend. Now my question is a similar but safer hobby I might be able to take up. I am thinking of getting back into archery but I wanted to make this post to see if anyone else had other ideas for a safe hobby like rifle shooting. Want to keep my hobby.,Depression +21939,"I am pushing 40 which is fine, it is my body post-baby turning into a pear. it will be at least a year before i can get a tummy tuck, i hate my shape. I am fighting a depression episode, been coming on for an hr, husband and I going out soon. I am mid-dress up. I feel overwhelming sadness.Will fight thru it. Fuck i hate this. Cute but hate my shape",Depression +21940,Anyone know what pills I can overdose with and die with as little pain as possible? (Sorry if my english is bad) Help with overdosing,Suicidal +21941,Started cutting myself again just to feel the blood running. All i wanted was to get something to eat today all I can smell is all these fancy restaurants and all I see is happy people having fun. I wish I could man up and slit my wrists for good. I know it would be at least a few days if not a week until someone even bothered to see where I was. Done,Suicidal +21942,I am starving and have nothing to lose. I desperately made this account to reach out for help. Please...i just want something in my stomach of substance. Idc if its just a couple dollars. It be best if i end it all man. I hope God sends a blessing or take me away from here I do not know what to do. Really need someone is help. Thinking of doing IT..,Depression +21943,"I have always been told if I committed suicide Id go to hell, that is the only thing keeping me here, its bullshit, we are just created then expected to live in this shut hole? Its bullshit, I hate everyone in my life, I let them walk over me and then when I finally snap they act all surprised and then I am the enemy. Everyone just thinks I am a hollow npc to use as a punching bag and then when they get called out they always get people to defend them but whenever its me who gets called out suddenly its open field day on me. Like when you all cry so do I, when you get pissed and want to scream so do fucking I, I am a human being you dumb cunts. Contrary to popular beliefs I am not a fucking comic relief character in some damn series I am not going to be the butt of all your stupid ass jokes. I hate the fact that I cannot kill myself",Suicidal +21944,"My life is not bad. I have a good job and a roof over my head, I have food in the fridge. But the thought of having to live for like 50+ more years makes me sick. I have no joy in my life. I have friends but my social anxiety makes it hard for me to see them. I have an easy time making friends but I am so flaky that they always end up giving up on hanging out and I do not mind because I like being alone anyway. I have been in 3 serious relationships in my life and all 3 have been very physically abusive so I do not even want to try with men (or anyone) anymore. I have not had sex or anything in like it in 2 years, even though I was in a relationship . I am lonely asf but its like my brain will not let me trust others. I just do not want to do this anymore but I feel like I am forced to continue Do I really have to do this forever?",Depression +21945,Cuz now he encourages me to commit suicide and mocks me.I wish he just died. I wish I did not call 911 to save my brother who attempted suicide,Suicidal +21946,I have struggled with depression for a long time. it is on and off like I am sure most of you are like. Anyways I just started a new job and feel great. My last job was extremely stressfull and toxic. I knew it was bad but I did not realize how bad until I left. Finished first week and feel soo much better. I know it is hard. But if you have a negative job or relationship or what ever try to change it. I try to be positive and that job was killing me. I was just comfortable there. It can and will get better. Comfort is sometimes a bad thing. Love you all Hey you all I have some motivation and positivity for you.,Depression +21947,"I feel like life is completely arbitrary. Good or bad, none of it really matters in the end. Even good things do not matter",Depression +21948,"Throwaway for obvious reasons.Hello all- as the title says, I struggle with homosexual thoughts and I have thoughts of having relations with another man, sleeping with another man, and the like. I am aware these thoughts are twisted, demonic, disgusting, degenerate, and that I should be hung and beheaded for feeling this way. Its evil, it feels like Satan has corrupted me with some kind of a sick disease because it feels like homosexuality is a mental illness and a sick disease. Homosexuality leads to pedophilia and beasitality and I do not want to make society and the generations that are coming after me suffer because of my sick thoughts. I do not know what to do everyone, I need prayers. I want to be cured of this sickness and I want to live life with a woman and have a family and I feel like its possible as these thoughts were never really prominent before and have only been around for a year (I am 15). I do not watch pornography, its degenerate filth and I am aware it alters your mind and I have not been abused or gone through childhood trauma so my homosexuality is not because of that. Everyone, even if they do not admit it are disgusted and repulsed by homosexuals. Homosexuals are inferior to society and it is unnatural for a man to lay with another man, humans are naturally repulsed by homosexuals. Homosexuals are shamed in public and behind closed doors, people stare, point, and laugh. Homosexuals are out of place freaks that are mentally ill and corrupted in a society not meant for them. Homosexuals have no place in society. Normalization of sodomy always comes before the falls of society and always leads to MORE acceptance of more freakish activities. If possible and all hope is lost, I will just live my life alone, I refuse to give into this sick fetish, but I know since I am still young, I can change for the better. Can anyone help me? I do not know what to do. I am incredibly desperate and I cannot take living with these thoughts anymore. I cannot do it. I want to die, I have literally become suicidal because of these thoughts. Id rather be dead than live a lie. I cannot lie anymore. I do not want to be homosexual. Suicidal Because of Homosexual Thoughts",Suicidal +21949,"I watched YouTube videos from motivational speakers and psychologist how to cope up to my traumas. I even read an online book about it. I did everything I can, but I am still not okay. I know it takes time to heal from traumas, but I felt bad because my current relationship is getting affected. Is there anything I can do more to stop overthinking and control my anger issues? And stop being a crybaby? Like, I cry even in smallest things. I am having thoughts of killing myself sometimes, because my mind will not stop. The voices in my head will not stop. The only way to calm me down is to hurt myself. After I hurt myself, it is like nothing happened. Hurting myself is like a reset button to my breakdowns. I know how to loved but I cannot make myself believe that I am loved. I am tired. I do not want to lose him, I love him so much. I cannot afford another heartbreak. I will fall apart.Help me. I am a mess.",Depression +21950,"Feb 2020 and 2021 I was suicidal. 2021 I have done so much work through therapy and medication that I thought I had a good fix. I am working out regularly, losing weight etc. Probably the past month I have just felt emotionally grey and dull. I am also a teacher so this is my summer off, I feel like I should be living it up but I have no energy to do anything. Summer depression relapse",Depression +21951,"Congratulations, you broke me. I have barely left my bed in days. Why you get to run off and take a vacation I am going to cry myself to sleep every single day wondering what I could have done to fix things. Maybe I should not have given you that space right away, maybe I should have said sorry right away but I was doing what I thought was right. Now? I am just waiting to die. do not worry though, hopefully, I will stop being so scared and soon I will do it. What am I even scared of? who is going to take care of the animals? My Mom will give them to good homes, I am sure of it. I could just give it a week and let you be alone, let you ""think"", but I think we already know you have thought enough. that is why you are ghosting me, right? You do not want me. Nobody does, nobody can handle my bpd or my outbursts. Trust me, I cannot either. I am just waiting now for the free time, for the time when I can get away and do something. I cannot wait to be done with life. Maybe then you will cry about me, maybe then you will realize that I loved you and I tried so hard. I doubt it though, nobody cares about me after all. I am just counting down the days until I can finally dedicate myself fully to ending it. I should not be so scared. I will get over it. I guess I am going to go take even more sleeping pills now. Hopefully this time I will not wake up. Congrats! I am Dead Inside Because Of Us",Suicidal +21952,Why cannot I just make myself jump in front of a Train? I want to die so much so why do not I Just do it,Suicidal +21953,"I want to die because I never asked for life. I have never had a desire or aspiration to become anything. I have been hurt many times throughout my life, but its not just the pain of those moments; its everything. Small talk or the inevitably useless time spent in romantic relationships that implode. It means nothing in the end. And the whole make the best of it while you are here bullshit is just something I am tired of hearing. This is not just depression. This is an absolute certainty that I add very little value to society. Yes, I have BPD. But, so do a lot of people. I just want it to be quiet, and to be left alone without feeling so fucking lonely all the time. I know, that does not really make sense, but like, welcome to my brain? The only reason I do not do it because I do not want any of the burden to fall onto anyone else. Like having to clean up the mess, or plan a funeral. Or explain why I did it. My constant fear of being inconvenient is the only thing keeping me alive. Blah blah blah",Suicidal +21954,I have got an open view on this article - it articulates some peoples experience and angers others:&#x200B;[we have Got Depression All Wrong. Its Trying to Save Us. | Psychology Today United Kingdom]( A really Marmite take on depression - what if it is trying to save us?,Depression +21955,"I have struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember. Throughout my life, I have often wondered whether I should end it all for the sole reason that my existence makes other people more miserable, because they have to deal with me and my disordered self all the time. I do not want to kill myself, but somehow I think that killing myself would just lift a burden off them and make them better off, so I should go through with it. Can someone please tell me I am wrong Feeling like you only make everyone elses life worse off",Suicidal +21956,"I feel vulnerable so often that I am starting to become fed up with living. I just want to be free from my constant anxiety and depression. Even as I write this, I want to drop dead leaving behind my fears of the world. I mean, we are all going to die anyway, what difference does it make if it happens now? As much as I admire the human race, I am also terrified of it. I find that the most dangerous people are often the most average. Having that mentality, it is hard to not feel threatened constantly. I cannot be around other people without having a whirlwind of negative emotions such as fear, sorrow, anger, etc. Perhaps I spend too much time on social media but just by observing people, I find that they can be incredibly cruel. You can see this for yourself, just look at the comments section of any youtube video and witness the discourse and anger that flows naturally through people. In my home town, there are large masses of homeless people, and it makes me sad seeing so many folks hit rock bottom. I have seen groups of teenagers beat down on said homeless people right in front of me. I have seen people do drugs, yell, fight, stab, rob. I have seen women do the most awful things to their children in public without any repercussions. I have overheard people spread hatred of other people. I have had family members die in horrible ways. I had old classmates who ended their own lives. I witnessed a man try to commit suicide on the highway. And I swear, I think (I do not know for sure, but I think) I saw one of my neighbors take a child prostitute into his home. I feel like I am surrounded by a society of cruelty and violence. But for some reason, I cannot help but love other people. However, this love does not dissuade me from wanting to leave this world. As childish as it sounds, I just wish that I could be born into a life where these issues are nonexistent. Despite being disturbed by appalling human behavior, I cannot help but fixate on it. It just feels like there are few positives in the world, and I just want to free myself from it. Living is terrifying",Depression +21957,"I have been going to therapy and taking antidepressants for over a year now which reallyyyy helped me to deal with my depressive episodes even better and be more active in my everyday life.Lately I have been feeling pretty stable, everything is fine since I am on holidays but when I am alone and breathe in, I can feel this really weird depressive emptiness inside my chest. I cannot really describe it but it feels like a very, very deep inner sadness.I will not have therapy for 6 more weeks now but I really need to know what this feeling is. Indescribable depressive empty feeling inside my chest when I am alone",Depression +21958,"In '86, I fell in love with a beautiful, extremely troubled man, named Joe. At 20, he was already a hard- core alcoholic, & had been thrown out of every elementary school in the area by 5th grader. His father was a Veteran who survived the beaches of Normandy, but who was as abusive & horrible to Joe as he could have been. What happened over the next 12 years, is that I began drinking & clubbing, & sometimes doing other things, while Joe stalked me, even after I moved 2,000 miles away from him, he accosted a cousin of mine, & made her give him my number! I was 8 months pregnant with my son, & he called me!! So, obviously, we were all the stereotypical catchphrases, & when I really hit bottom in Colorado, I told my parents to come get Liam, because I was not in shape to be the Mom he deserved, & I went back to Joe. 2 wks later, he did THAT, not 15 feet from where I was sitting. I have been on medication for anxiety and depression since BEFORE that, & I have been able to get clean & sober, my son's finishing his Bachelors degree in teaching, & I thought I would put that behind me...then, out of nowhere, I saw pictures of him online, & I am back to the day after he died. I do not know how to get through this grief, it is bad enough that I have graphic dreams since the day it happened, NOW I have NO CONTROL OVER WHEN THE THOUGHTS SHOW UP: it is LIKE POISON IN MY BLOOD!!! Why NOW???",Suicidal +21959,"Yea so I am in my mid-30s, got a great wife and son, that part of my life is wonderful. My job is high paying and I absolutely hate it. Feel like I am failing most of the time. Had depression since my teens but somehow I have been able to navigate life and been somewhat successful financially. No matter these successes, I just feel f-ing worthless most of the time. I feel like the work I produce is not any good, though I do not get told that. I have almost 0 confidence. I was on the SSRI train for a while, but been off for 3 years. I am eaten up with worry most of the time, about stuff that is not even real. I do not have any friends beyond my wife, who is amazing and struggles with her own anxiety and family issues. I am really looking for a strategy to stop feeling so worthless. As a man, it is really difficult to find other people who understand. I need to be present for my family and provide, it just always feels like I am minutes from failure. And the worst part is that I know deep down inside I just want to give up sometimes. But I keep going. Just had to get it out a bit. the struggle is real",Depression +21960,"Every bad thing that happened to me was my fault. Every shit situation I found myself in was my fault. I am the laziest piece of shit I know of, no drive, no ambition. My family, who does everything to support me, only gets sorrow from me in return. My friends have finally realised what a toxic human being I am and cut me out completely. Everyone is better off without me. I am a manchild of the worst kind and the world does not need such people. I have always felt the world was somehow 'wrong' and I should do something to fix it. Now I have realised the best thing I can do to improve it is to leave it. I have realised that I was the problem all along.",Suicidal +21961,"I just feel like I have no motivation to do anything anymore, nothing gives me happiness and just generally feel alone. The only time I get motivation is when I have a panic attack, most of the time I am just sitting on my phone cuz its the only thing giving me a dopamine rush. Christianity helps me feel less alone but even that does not help a lot anymore, I just generally sit feeling sorry for myself on days I have nothing else to do. Any feedback is appreciated. Diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder but wondering if its slowly built to depression.",Depression +21962,"I do not understand, there is nothing wrong with my life, there is no reason I should feel bad, but I do. I went out today and that pain and sadness in my head was absolutely unbearable and it would not go away. I get so irritated very suddenly and it annoys me so much. I am always tired to the point where I do not remember how not being tired feels. I also went to the cinema and literally all I was really thinking about was killing myself. My head is so fucked up? I do not understand anymore. Hoping at some point I will just die. Why cannot I feel good?",Suicidal +21963,"I am sorry for posting this here, I feel revolting and that I do not deserve to live anymore because of this. I copied and pasted my original post from OCD. I am sorry if it makes this the wrong sub but I feel so wrong and I do not know how to atone for this.Hi, I am sorry for posting this, this is very humiliating and embarassing and I feel that I am a monster, I deserve ridicule. I cannot stop telling myself that I am some kind of psychopath pedophile/predator because of this one event that happened nearly a year ago when I was 18. This happened a month or so after another bout of POCD, so I feel like I am truly just a horrible person with bad intentions because of this. I remember I was looking to meet some friends online, and this person contacted me, and I got along with them very well, we shared many of the same interests and I felt a true connection with them, and all was well. But then they told me that they were 15, and I was taken aback by this, and I felt freaked out for a bit, especially because before I knew that I held emotions for them. But I did not immediately cease contact (I feel like I should have just stoppd there.) I remember I considered staying just friends with them, but because of my feelings for them before it made me feel like that would be wrong, and that I would have been a predator/groomer. I remember that they reassured me about that it was okay to be friends with them because they knew other people that were my age (Oh god, I feel like I should have told them that this was wrong because now I am scared that they will have gotten themselves hurt or something). I ended up consulting my best friend and they told me that it would be best to cut it off. I gave them a brief explanation as to why I cut them off, and then that was it. Nothing ""happened"", but the event left me feeling like a sick monsterPart of the reason why I keep telling myself I am a monster is because I keep having memories that I somehow thought of the possibility of it being okay? But I cannot know if I actually thought that or not, but I keep remembering like this thought where I felt they were ""mature"", but I cut them off and I KNEW it was wrong. So I am scared of what if I somehow possibly had a bad thought or intention before even though ultimately I decided to stop talking to them? Like what if I pondered it being okay? And I keep feeling sick because I remember I kind of still had like ""emotions"" for them even after I found out and I missed them for a bit? Or I think that I just missed who I thiught they were? Even though I would NEVER do anything of the sort I keep telling myself that this means I am a pedo groomer and I should turn myself in or kill myself. I am scared that all of the people in my life who love me now will hate me if these thoughts and memories are true. I have spent all day in bed trying to figure it out and it makes me feel sick to my stomach, the thing that really bothers me too is that this all happened RIGHT AFTER a previous cycle of POCD, so surely I must be a psychopath predator I cannot stop telling myself I am a predator and it is making me consider suicide. POCD",Suicidal +21964,"When I get stressed, I just take it out on other people I need to just die so I cannot hurt anyone anymore I am a terrible human being",Suicidal +21965,"Often when my mood is low I have a lot of trouble making food for myself and eating. it is not that I am not hungry, I am just so tired and the fatigue outweighs the hunger.Then of course, it becomes a cycle. The less (nutritious) food I eat, the more depressed/tired I feel. The more depressed I feel, the less I want to eat. Pre-made or take out food is easier but it is still challenging to actually sit down and eat it. It helps if I eat with a friend but obviously that is not something routine. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to consume healthy meals when your depression is strong? How can I motivate myself to eat? Depression makes it hard to eat",Depression +21966,"I come here every day and it is always the same shit, new post every two min, 24hr top post with 600-1000 upvotes, post about no hope, love, self harm, attempts, loneliness, physical and mental illness, hate, poverty, society, friends and family, fear, events that happend to someone and I slowly even recognize some names that I see a lot. Nothing is changing, not for me and not for anyone else, and I hate it. I guess no ones getting better",Suicidal +21967,"I mean, we all are going to die anyways, so why not control when and how. not to mention i want to die anyways. family and friends will move on and nothing I do will matter in the long run. so give me a reason why I should not Why should not I commit",Suicidal +21968,"I have been sent a bunch of rude comments by someone I used to know in real life but cut all ties with. Now hes harassing me and everything, I am sick of this. I wish I was stronger, I cannot even handle being bullied over the internet ; (",Suicidal +21969,"Even if I do fix my problems, I still have depression and PTSD that makes me want to kill myself almost every second I rather just die than try to fix my problems",Suicidal +21970,The biggest lie I was ever told is that it gets better. Its been over 3 years since my attempt and nothing has changed. I am still in agony. The future is terrifying. I am loosing all faith in God. Please stop testing me God I cannot fucking take this anymore. Just take me now. The biggest lie I was ever told,Suicidal +21971,"Just came off Prozac and went about 2 months without any medication at all. Started abusing Tramadol because I was so low, so my Doctor has just prescribed Sertraline. I am on a super low dose, but the long-term goal is to increase (whilst weaning off the Tramadol). Prozac made me gain 5 stone, made me sleep all day, totally took away my sex drive and genital sensitivity, and made me basically a fat, lazy slob. My boyfriend nearly left me. I just need to know WILL SERTRALINE DO THE SAME THING? Thanks in advance xxx Switched from Prozac",Depression +21972,"I am really pretty fucking close to calling it a day. Can anyone rationally explain why I should not kill myself. The only reason I have is I do not want to hurt my family. Once they are dead I will not be far behind them. For any other depressives, it will literally never get better. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fucking liar. Help",Suicidal +21973,"I have taken valdoxan, Zoloft and paxil in the past and had no effects or side effects, no improvement of mood worse or better. Thus time, I started Zoloft again, a different brand since June 1st and am not feeling better or worse but have a lot of side effects, anxiety attacks and worst is the extreme fatigue. I do not have energy to be upbeat which I actually am sometimes though depressed. I do not get out of bed and do not cook at all. I prefer how I was before, I think I can manage my depression and mood swings but I wanted to try one more time since I am going on vacation.My doctor appointment is not till October but I am 90% wanting to taper off this and stop taking it. Should I wait a little longer for my energy to return or start tapering off my prescription now? Antidepressants SSRI seem to not help me but is it too soon? Useless antidepressants",Depression +21974,what is the point of life when every single day is like this? So miserable,Depression +21975,"long story short- i am in the military & if i go to medical and get diagnosed with any type of mental ailment or disorder it will ruin my career. i say ruin, but it would drastically change & i would have to ultimately change my job, my duty station, and rip me away from the foundation that i have built here. i have called the suicide hotline about twice now to seek guidance & have someone to talk to that does not have any relation to me or anyone around me. is there a database they keep of who calls and how many times they do? and if so, is there any con? would they call people to make it known to eventually my chain of command? any insight would be greatly appreciated. suicide hotline",Suicidal +21976,"Imagine getting bullied in school because you are different. Imagine your dad hitting you in the face because you have a rare disease that you did not wish to have. that is me!I cannot walk since I have a disease that makes me weak. People used to bully me or use me, but never try to friend me. My parents always abuse me physically and emotionally, and still do(I am 22 btw). I cannot be independent since I need help. I live in an unending nightmare. Nobody texts me or call me or anything. My family treats me like shit.I do not know. there is no solution but death. I tried my hardest to cope but no results. My mental health is deteriorating making me unable to focus on anything. I lost the sense of happiness. I want to die No friends or family, the full package",Suicidal +21977,"obviously, everyone has a limit to what they can take at any given time. everyone needs some time to recharge their batteries and recover after stressful events. but i feel like i do not have rechargeable batteries at all; it feels like i got totally drained a long time ago and do not have the ability to bounce back. now even minor stressors leave me feeling utterly fatigued. and I am medicated! I am on zoloft (which i want to try to change, since it feels like it stopped working) and vyvanse, which should give me more energy but just does not. i take long periods for self care and make sure not to work myself too hard and i still just constantly feel like I am at my limit. does anyone have any advice? nothing seems to help very much feeling like an empty battery",Depression +21978,"I stay in one area, do the same shit day in and day out while other people have their own stories. I am not even an interesting NPC. At least my cat likes me. I am just an NPC",Depression +21979,"She broke up with me a few weeks ago without talking about us first. I am still trying to get over her but I cannot. If I talk to a new girl, all I can think about is her. Today I went by her house to pick up a box I left behind. Saw a jeep on her driveway that I did not recognize. Walked to the door to get my stuff and she rushed to the door to stop me from creating a scene. All I said was hey and walked back to my truck. Went to the gym to clear my mind. did not work. Went to the river to clear my mind. Still did not work. Put the gun against my head, loaded with a round in the chamber hoping for a something to fail to fire the bullet. I tried everything to get her back. She says the flowers and bear I got her were ""irritating"". What is the point of life were you only live to work your ass off, and have nobody to talk to, to try new things with, enjoy the littlethings with? I have lived my entire life alone, except for the little time I had with her. what is the point to continue? Found a another man at my ex gf house",Suicidal +21980,"There is still stuff I want to do. Travel to a few countries to see some friends, give away my gaming pc to a friend who needs it. Take my family members out on holiday, and then do all the things I was once scared of knowing I will take my life, so there is no longer a need to have fear.I am 26, and some on here might think I am young, but I feel very old. I feel I have ruined my life in my teenage hood and had to live the consequences up until now, I have run away from my problems for over 9 years, and now they have caught up to me. Every life decision I have made has turned me into a panicked, scared, lonely, failure of a man. I do not want to live like this, and after 8 years of therapy I have come to the conclusion I am unfixable. I guess tomorrow I will start to write a bucket list, and once they are all ticked off that is it. I have come to the conclusion I will kill myself in the future.",Suicidal +21981,"Still 27 still feeling like shit, its crazy to think about who I was before depression hit me. Ask anyone who knew me they would say I was radiant, full of joy, life, insouciance... I lost myself completely. I do not trust myself anymore at all, I doubt every decision I make so I end up not doing anything anymore. I have a tendency to shut people off and I have noticed, no matter how social I could be before covid to make it up like during weekends, party like nothing mattered, but after time people stop reaching out. And I never reach out because I am ashamed. I feel like shit every day that passes is worst on my self estime.I am not ugly I am not dumb but I was raised in a very abusive household and never developped sence of identity. I never been in a successful relationship, it was always I chasing the wrong guys or the wrong guys chasing me. Never said I love you to someone even though I felt it never had the guts (did not even matter he played with me anyway.I never had any recognition from my parents, family and now I have no friends anymore. Nothing but a cat.I tell myself everyday to go work out to have a self of worth at least for something in the day because I am tired of switching through the same 3 apps all day. I am just tired and hopeless for the future, for my future. I get uglier day by day and lose confidence as I stay alone and lonely but at the same time i cannot reach out to people. Most have lost interest and live their best life and it will only hurt my self estime more to be rejected again. I cannot take any more rejection. But at the same time I do not let anyone in anymore. I am at the age were people do not care anymore. I feel like I am waiting for my mom to pass away to take away my own life because she is the only human being that gave me just a little bit of love (of course with a lot of manipulation and hurt too). I just have an outlook on life that is so different now. Life is just not as cool and fun as it used to be. I sometimes cannot point out if its a mid or depression and growing up but deep down I know, its mostly depression.I went to psychiatrist but I do not even feel like it anymore. I know what is wrong with me but I cannot fix it. I feel like I have been alone for so long now that I cannot get back. And tonight there is a free amazing party next to my place where I hear all the music and people shooting and it reminds me of the time I did that. I did not have to think twice I would always have plans on weekends.Now I have sports, my cat, Netflix and my memories.I want to be part of the 27 club more and more. Let my writing be heard I cannot take it anymore, I have had nothing but bad luck all my life and I beg for it to be over. It will never be as good as it was. Let me go away and let people be happy because I cannot Need to vent a bit (again)",Depression +21982,"I just hate my life and myself. No one likes me or wants to talk to me. It has striped the joy of everything I do. I feel so pointless for doing anything; what is the point if no one cares???? My family is an abusing pieces of shit and I am unlovable I do not know what to do. I cannot be independent due to my illness toI tried many times to make friends with no avail. I am just too boring for them, and nobody cares. I cannot focus on anything my health is deteriorating and there is no one I can turn into. I want to die please pleaseee 22 I want to die I am suffering with no one there",Suicidal +21983,"I constantly keep telling myself that this year I will not give a flying fudge what anyone thinks, but then again I say that every year and look where I am at now....... Nowhere. A pop in my mind",Depression +21984,"That is pretty much it. I want to die, but do not want my mother to find my corpse",Suicidal +21985,Last night I prayed to god that I would get killed today whether it be in a car accident or me building up the courage to kill myself and I do not know what to do I do not know what to do,Suicidal +21986,I have the urge to self harm and the itch for perks and molly every day I am having a really bad panic attack,Suicidal +21987,"I feel as if I am chained to the ground or submerged in mud, I have no wish or will to get better, there is nothing in this world that I would rather be doing than sleeping, I cannot move, I barely have the energy to breathe, too exhausted to live.I am imprisoned in my own body. Complete and utter apathy",Depression +21988,So I am 17 years old I am also a crippling alcoholic. I was severely abused by my mom's boyfriend as a child and to say it has left a impact on me is a understatement. Ever since he came into my life and thankfully left i have not had one night were i cannot sleep without a nigh terror. Because of that i have very crippling somniphobia i genuinely have the phobia of sleep. I also have zero friends whenever i try to talk with someone they say I am annoying or talk to much. I am very lonely and hate it. I used to be a very happy and caring person i did not think some people could be all evil. I am done trying to help people ever time i do I am manipulated abused and exploited. I feel like a fucking idiot for ever thinking not all people are bad. I am so sick of the world shitting on me. I used to think everyone had some good in them i was wrong. I used to volunteer and help people in need be i have been used and exploited so much I am done. I genuinely am done but I am to afraid to end my life. I was so kind to people i have been told so many times i am the nicest person ever by some people. And what did being kind and caring get me no where but being used exploited for money and abuse. Where did i go worng in my life i have no one to talk to about this. I am 17 a alcoholic and have not slept without nightmares since i was 6.,Suicidal +21989,"I really regret it...I had the chance to finally end it all....now I cannot stop thinking about it....I am just damned to this horrible, miserable existence....I also should have slit my wrist instead of my arm I wish I hung myself",Suicidal +21990,"My appartment, nearly 60 sqare meters, looks like a garbage dump. Everywhere empty bottles, waste paper, cardboards, used dishes, used clothes etc.I have NO power to get to work with these things. At the moment no one is allowed to visit me because I am very ashamed about this situation. How is this even possible for you all to do these things in a major depression? Tony's appartment...",Depression +21991,"I Can post the letter I sent to her. But this to teach men to speak instead of bottling as I did. And I want you to use this to speak as men. To understand the impact it can have on a person My Quote to you as a speaker and I how I see things: I do not think anyone is truly human until they have gone through a mental health battle. And I also believe to be human you need to sympathise and understand each other on a emotional level. Its a healthy way of communication and bringing people to closer for support. Mental health is SO important I think people need to understand otherwise the issue of not talking will only continue for men and women. It may create tramua and because people to close in there next relationship causing a relapse. People will always experience stress and anxieties from different situations. And depending on how important that person was to you will effect how bad your breakdown was off bottling true emotions. As mine breakdown was not talking to my ex Girlfriend Emma due to the situation of covid distance and jobs not coping well, it broke me. I did not tell her until 5 months after we split. So anyone who reads this before ending a life seek help and talk to your person. its how you react and causing self harm you will only create more damage to yourself and the people around you. I have done this with my Relationship with her. I decided to end it just because it broke me mentally from the drastic impact and stress I had trying I be with her. but I was on the edge with her, not her fault at all she was brilliant. I was struggling because covid made it impossible to get a job 3 hours away. BUT I WAS SO COMMITTED. I loved her. that is what you do for someone you love. I just ignored When she gone I was like no point now. I might as well. Now the truth has come out to her as it has she only thinks I am crazy or just to give it. Maybe I was easy for a little bit. Bottling for such a long time does that to you. Trying to take meds caused me schizophrenia. Until I just had a breakdown a complete breakdown. And it did break me. I attempted to end my life 3 times. One from Caffeine over does. 2 carbon monoxide. I had 1000 pills. The mental health Crisis team tried to make me hate like she cheated because I was depressed and created theories in my head, You are not insane. You are normal.You are just connected with your emotions. In a much deeper way. than other people are around you. It will get better. I am struggling to let her go due to the losing her from mental health as a best mate. But overall I am doing better. And I will beat this. So to anyone struggling give that person space. Take your time. It will get better. And you will find answers about why you felt a certain way or different than to your normal self I can post my ENTIRE letter. For anyone that is interested My views on mental health. This is my story.",Suicidal +21992,"Thinking of suicide has always been a source for relaxation for me, but i think I am actually going to do it soon. I am constantly having panic attacks or something where it feels like i have burning bugs under my skin, and no one can tell. I have thought about talking to someone but id just be sent away for treatment or something On paper my life should be going well, but I am fucking miserable",Suicidal +21993,How do you fall asleep without drinking heavily every night? How do you fall asleep without drinking heavily every night?,Depression +21994,"The embarrassing part is that the one bullying me is much younger and doing it over the internet. I am already dealing with a lot in life I hate having to deal with being sent a hundred mean comments on my YouTube channel. The thing is if I flipped out Id break his nose but that would send me to prison, what am I supposed to do shout at him? I cannot just tell my dad I am 18 he would laugh at me. I am being bullied and I do not have guts to stand up for myself",Depression +21995,"Hi, does anyone know where to buy nembutal easily? Is Thailand or Mexico a good option? Nembutal",Suicidal +21996,I am tired of being bullied. I have been bullied my whole life. I am 24 now and I still get bullied. It makes me feel helpless. It never ends. There is nothing I can do about it. I cannot tell anyone. I have no one to tell. I am an adult. I am thinking about killing myself,Suicidal +21997,"Honestly I am not doing too good. I tell people this a lot, but I do not usually explain it because I know they will get worried about me. I have some trauma that my ex caused (cheating, mind games and lying as well as making me feel like I am not significant). Which has downright flipped my mind upside down. I go through really bad episodes where I am feeling super down for about a week or 2 and then I go normal and then it repeats. I do not really feel my old self also, I just feel like I have no purpose in life because everything I dreamed of just vanished. I get motivated to do things, but then after a while I just cannot because my mind starts to make me think about all the trauma I have been through. I do not think it is just ex stuff also, it is also from childhood trauma too and it feels like I cannot have a normal life or fit in as I am not like ordinary people. Which sometimes makes me just feel like ending it all....I just needed to rant, but help or advice would go a long shot. Trauma causing me to feel like crap",Depression +21998,I have been depressed lately and nothing and I mean NOTHING makes me happy. I do not feel sad anymore just 24h/24. I would do anything to change that and my psychologist suggested medication but I really do not know if that is a good idea. Because I feel like it is only hiding the problem and I have read so much horror stories about medication. Also every story that I have read about people that were happy about their medication they only took it for like ~1 week/2/3 months and they are saying that it helps but I never see a story about someone who is not in the beginning of taking if. Maybe it is a coincidence. At the same time I am so tired of feeling always so empty and I miss when I used to enjoy things. Is medication a good idea?,Depression +21999,"Just my mind is talking everything bad. Literally everything. Even my relationship with my gf.Every slight bit, that does not work perfect and boom, my mind and head are on and try to make me feel bad. Just everything is completely worthless in this moment, no hope, nothing.In the last weeks, it got so far, that even some of my feelings were overwhelmed and turned sides, because my gf was too busy and i felt ignored, even now she has something to do.While she has ""work"" to do, i sit here, knowing i have to end the relationship, regret losing my team position on a game server, which was my highest achievement for almost 8 years, know that i am useless, because i have canceled my study, which means i have no future about my work and distanced from almost all my friends.All this just because my head and mind hates me and wants to see me suffer and be alone.I am just sitting here and doing things i have never done, like trying to cut my arms with ""blades"" from a scissor and hitting/punching my head. Just to hope this all goes away.If only something would have be wrong with my anesthesia last week and i would finally ""sleep"" in peace.&#x200B;Its the first time i really doubt, if i survive till my next therapy meeting, without serious harm. My mind is killing me",Suicidal +22000,"Yesterday on the train there was a street performer (NYC), and before he say for tips he said Hopefully my song makes you feel something, because if you feel something at least you know you are alive and i almost cried.I do not understand why being alive is supposed to better than not being alive just for the sake of feeling. Why the hell is feeling the way I do better than ending it all? Who the hell are you to assume that what people are going through is better than death??Went to be around 1am, woke up at 8am, and could not get out of bed until 5pm. I do not have any groceries so I went to buy a deli wrap and it was not good I am just sitting here in the para watching everyone else be alive for the sake of it and I just do not get it.How the hell is this city so densely populated but so lonely?? Woke up at 8am got out of bed st 5pm not sure why I bothered (34m with everything going for him or so they say)",Depression +22001,"What do you think of quick fixes while being depressed? I use them everyday for example, I overeat, and drink alcohol almost every single day, just to feel better for a few minutes/hours Quick fix",Depression +22002,"my grandparents cannot afford presents and we will not be having a party. no cake, nothing. I am so tired i thought every teen girl is supposed to be excited for their sweet 16th",Depression +22003,I feel horrible I have cut contact from friends and have not called back. I just do not have the energy to do this I cannot explain it. How do I tell them Its not personal? Its my own battles taking over my brain not allowing me to function normally No motivation to reply back,Depression +22004,"I am 30, with an awesome husband, a nice home, a great career, three pets who I adore, and I am just not happy. My mom died last year (leukemia). I went into a spiral and ended up drunk, high, and hospitalized. I have been sober for over 30 days now. My depression has not had much relief for a long time. If you saw me you would think I was content and happy. Not sure I can stand this much longer. I am just not happy.",Depression +22005,"11 year old me thought that my thighs looked too big. She made a MyFitnessPal account to track my calories and my username was KaitlynUglynFat 15 year old me wonders why she is so cold all the timei feel so weak, its not like i can even afford food with my grandparents struggling to get by. we do not even have dinner anymore, and that was the only meal of the day i had. I have had an eating disorder since i was 11",Suicidal +22006,I told him to stop taking advantage of me so now hes constantly harassing me and sending comments on my YouTube channel. Its embarrassing because hes 15 and I am 19. I am supposed to have grown a spine by now. Someone is sending me awful comments on my YouTube channel ; (,Suicidal +22007,Do it you got this!,Suicidal +22008,"I think I hit my low. I have no more motivation for anything. I slowly have begun to ghost my closest friends and will not return texts. I physically cannot find myself doing these things. I have cut contact from most people other than my girlfriend. I feel so empty I do not know where to go from here. The longer it goes the more I begin to rethink my relationship with my girlfriend, who I love very much, and start to overthink every single aspect of it. This is not healthy and I fear it will end my relationship. Maybe I am deeply insecure of myself, but I cannot seem to tell what is my thought vs what is the depression talking. I have never been like this in my life. I have been with my girlfriend for over 6 months now. She was clinically depressed when we met, and she is now medicated. Her strength to keep going is something else, and its what makes me love her even more. But I am afraid its broken me. I broke down in front of her and told her how I felt. She comforted me and we plan on figuring out the future when we get back from a trip we have planned in august. Some backstory. she is at a crossroads in life where she does not know where she will be in the future. We just both know we want to be with each other. Its the uncertainty and love I have that are creating a war in my mind. I just want to be stronger mentally to handle myself. I hate that I have become like this. I need to be there for her and myself. I just feel so low. I (21M) feel hopeless and empty",Depression +22009,"It hurts so much to live.. I cry myself to sleep every night. My throat hurts for wanting to scream. I cannot scream because I would wake others. This is definitely not a way to live. I have no one who would understand me. My asian family just tells me to get over it and grow up, be mature and just think happy thoughts. I am 24 now and I regret not killing myself when I was 18. I was so close to jumping from the 20th floor balcony. So close.. I should have done it and I will not be feeling so miserable till now.I remember myself wanting to die since the age of 5. My father would hit me every day after he comes home from work. I hate my life. I hate being alive. I want to die. I want all my pain to end. I want to die so badly",Suicidal +22010,"cannot stop thinking about ways to do it The bridges here are not high enough, the drugs available would take days and I doubt I could withstand the pain without calling for help, blades do not do it fast enough without getting a moment of silly regret and calling for help. Nothing solid or strong enough to throw a noose to, no access to guns. I am so tired. How can I find a method that would work? Traveling to a spot where trains go fast? I should probably give away the expensive stuff. cannot take shit with me. Just done with all I guess",Suicidal +22011,"I do not want to live like this anymore. I have to think about myself too.I have tried everything, tried for 10 years and the only thing that makes sense to me is driving my car into the wilderness, stranding myself with no food or water, and letting the elements take me.The thing that is stopped me in the past is thinking about my parents and friends and family and how they would be sad about it. But on days like this where I am struggling to care even about that, I just lie in bed all day and cry and pray to be struck by lightning.And I guess that is technically a victory because I am still alive but I really do not know how much longer I can just keep myself alive like this. It does not feel worth it anymore. Starting to care less and less about all the sad folks Ill leave behind",Suicidal +22012,"I am soon to be 27. CD has left a big mark in my social life at this point. Not all of it comes down to my mental state and it is sympthoms of course, but most of it does.There is a matter that I would like some advice on, and I am afraid you will not read it if it is below a lot of text so I will ask it first. **Have you ever told a long time friend about your depression and how did it go? Could it be a good idea?** I am talking about long time friendship here, someone who did see me at my worst and still stayed a friend. I am afraid they will just see me as a burden. I mean, at this point, I am pretty sure they know, it shows from my behaviour. Then again, I feel like it would make things clearer between us. But then again, again, I am afraid it will just show me as sort of a weak link. Or worse, that it will just come as an excuse of all of my abnormal behaviour like not joining them for events, or leaving suddenly, refusing invitations for weeks etc...Now to the wall of text. I have tried to addsome jokes, and now I am afraid you will hate them.*It all went wrong when I was born* Or at about 15 years of age, at least that is as far as me and therapist got. Although it took me more than a decade to go to therapy, both me and family were sort of aware, to a degree. Although I did expect it to just be some trauma/anxiety due to one psycho ex, not a full blown clinical depression whose paranoia side she just enchanted with some actually justified fears. And the older I get, the more it shows. I could get by easily before, it was quirky to be absent minded, closed off and sometimes gloomy and social interactions and making friends or starting relationships took less effort when I was in high school. I did not exactly fit in, but I did not suffer a lot for it, so all was good. Over time, of course, when you ignore the signs, thing get worse. Lack of will to live, over sensitivity, panic attacks, darker and darker thoughts, all came by and did not leave ( unlike my exes ).Now, it takes more, and I feel like I do not have that ""more"". Turning down a wedding invitation because you dread the thought of large social gatherings is not quirky, it is a relationship ( friendly, not romantical ) ruining act. Also, I did not refuse the invite, I went there and hated myself during every moment of it like a man.Now due to my age, social interactions come with more expectations and consequences. And they obviously require some experience, or *people skills* which I just do not have. Small talk is pretty much impossible when you do not have the will to get out of bed, much less keep up with current events. Work also gets hard when any time someone does not approach me with a clear ""Hello"" leaves me thinking about why they hate me so much, and having so send two mails instead of one because I forgot to add the attachment leaves me in shambles, looking through job search engine, and being on my tiptoes for a week, despite the fact that my colleague lost us a cool 300K due to some copyright issues and nobody gave a fuck.I am a capable person. I know it. I have done things.Like, if boss wants me to work overtime during holidays, sort out an entire year worth of bills despite not being even remotely related to accounting and also deep clean all 7 offices we have around my town, I am their man. ( As long as they pay me, I am not a sucker ). But an invitation to a teambuilding event? Felt like shit, might quit on the spot and cry for weeks later,idk.Same goes for friendship. Just the two of us doing heroin and raping chicken in a satanic ritual in a private place? Sure. A party? No no no.*it is easy to fall in love with me, it is hard to love me every day*Those are lyrics to a song that resonated within me. I can be funny when I try. I can be charming. I even made a few self made jokes and quick quips which made people laugh that I hapily reminiscence about 5 years later. Also, while years of not giving a shit about my health annd constanly feeling like shit have left sizeable consequences to my body, I have a good looking face. As long as it is winter and I have 7 layers of clothing on me and a hat, I am hot. So, making those shallow relationships is easy. Going deeper is hard, which is also true for my sexual endeavours. And that sucks really. I know a lot of people have it harder, I am not trying to dunk on anyone with this, but knowing that up until a certain point I can be great, as a friend, as an employee, as a boyfriend, better than a lot people really, but there will be a line, whether it is something to be done, or say, or something will be brought up that will form that line, a line that I cannot cross has always shown up so far. And almost everyone crosses that line while I stay on the other side. That crushes me. I would like to chat about people in general, friendships and relationship. Your advice, observations and thougths are very desirable / needed.",Depression +22013,"Started being depressed at 11. Still depressed at 30. Been depressed in therapy and out of therapy. Been depressed when poor and jobless, been depressed with a middle class job. Been depressed single, been depressed in a relationship. Been depressed on SSRIs, SNRIs, tried a million different supplements. I get regular exercise, good sleep. there is no shaking it. Nothing changes. The happiest I am is when I am asleep or drunk. Not going to kill myself or anything, though I hurt myself with entertaining the thought regularly. Am I going to be like this forever?",Depression +22014,Just follow the idea What are your reasons to say it is wrong/right to choose suicide after knowing life is a waste of time in a godless universe?,Suicidal +22015,"I have lost all motivation, I cannot even do a simple task like clean my room. I am in college and I do not get the best grades no matter how much I study, I feel like college is not for me but I am too scared to join the military, plus it would disappoint my family( but then again so would killing myself). My family insults my intelligence because I failed intermediate math multiple times, but passed intermediate English. Whenever they do that I just want to break down crying because I have been called a failure all my life and now I feel like I will not amount to anything.I am only 18 and I feel like my life was over before it even began. I have tried to make the most with the cards I was dealt, so far I can only distract myself from the negativity. I do not know if I am smart or dumb, attractive or ugly, I might just be a stain on society. I do not even know if I am a man or still a boy. I am so socially anxious I cannot even muster up the courage to talk to people.I have thought about ending it before a couple, years ago. I came so close but I could not bring myself to do it. Its been over 2 years since my last attempt and now I think I should just move somewhere far away where no one can find me. I do not know where to start. I have just been on a slow downward slope",Suicidal +22016,"I finally got a job after being basically jobless for 2 years. All I do is load a machine and push a button and let it do its thing, all day every day. Then I come home and do nothing because I have no passions or interests. The only thing that makes me happy is smoking pot. I have been tired for all of my Saturday and have basically been in bed all day. For what? So I can go back to work next week, be miserable and hate my life and do it again. Even if I had hobbies I doubt id ever be able to actually afford them. I am going no where and will live with my parents and be a failure until the day I am dead. I feel like my existence is completely and utterly useless.",Depression +22017,I am supposed to kill myself at age 18 I am 16.I cannot wait to die of I am being honest. Life is nothing but pain and short bits of happiness That last a millisecond. They due date is coming,Suicidal +22018,"that is what everyone around me thinks. My boss even had the nerve to say it. My wife thinks so as well. Her idea of support is to tell me what a piece of shit I am because of how it affects my kid, like I am doing it on purpose. My kid is the only thing that keeps dredging on. If she was not around, I would just be dead. There is nothing else to live for. Other than that, all I have a shitty job and a shitty marriage. Its getting harder and harder to force myself through each day. I have a lump in my throat and a boulder in my chest and it just hurts. I wish I had support from people that understood. Its so hard doing this alone. Thanks for reading. I am a cancer",Depression +22019,"They just never say how much. You win some, you lose some.",Depression +22020,"Does anyone else feel that overtime they are more forgetful? Not just in the short term but going back to older memories nothings ever just clear. I feel like that as a way to just keep on coping I detach myself from my memories and its making me more and more forgetful of recent things that have happened in my life and making it a struggle to remember my childhood. Its like as soon as I start to think about my past my brains like nope, stop right there, do not even try it. Like I know what I am trying to remember but I cannot picture it in my head or I just stop. Forgetfulness?",Depression +22021,There are no productivity blogs that help the depressed find their way out of the cannot move state of depression. Most productivity blogs are built for those who are already productive and functional. Productivity blogs for the depressed?,Depression +22022,"Had a big bad, deep spiral this week capping out on having someone close to me spending the night last night because they were so afraid I would hurt myself. it is the day after and I am trying to find something to do to pull me back up and out. Does anyone have tips or techniques for pulling up your mood/activity levels when coming out of a spiral? Maybe this is too vague and freaky I just need to put out there that this happened and I fully was on a spiral. So weird that a mental health crisis is basically a hidden health crisis. If I was seriously physically sick I could tell people, take off work etc. Instead of hiding it. what is Something You Use to Bring Yourself Out of a Spiral?",Depression +22023,"I do not know why I am still here, just to suffer. I spend almost all my time at a job I hate but that I cannot quit. And whenever I have free time I am sitting alone in my tiny apartment watching yt videos or play pn my switch. I lost contact with the few friends I had left. I never had any sort of intimate reltionship whatsoever. I am terribly lonely. And the worst part is that I have become so lonely that I became bitter and I developped a lot of hate towards people. I think I prefer to remain alone now. So what is the meaning of this? Why do I work so hard at a job I hate if I do not even have a decent life outside of work? I tried to apply dr. Peterson's advice, but I cannot find any meaning to my life. I cannot find something to aim at. I have no clue what is supposed to be meaningful, so I prefer what is expedient. I will not be able to endure much longer. A few more years of this and I will have to end it all. Meaningless and aimless life",Depression +22024,"I want to tell my story before I die. I have dealt with mental health issues my whole life. I have tried harder than anyone can expect or should need to. My earliest memories are of my father coming home drunk and high. Beating my mother. I would hide under the bed and play dolls with my sister. So she would not hear him beating her. I always wanted friends but never had any. I was the weird kid. I could not go into anyone's house unless invited. I remember peeing my pants outside the door because I was not invited in. I remember my father living 20 minutes down the road but never being there. Only holidays to look good in front of his parents. I remember my mother's family hating me. Telling me I would be just like him. How men are worthless. My stepfather beating me. How they would blame me and say I was lying. I remember being kicked out of the house while still in school for defending her when he raised a fist at her. Hitting him. Making him cry for his mom. I am not a good person I get it. I remember being homeless. I remember meeting my wife at my second job. Breaking into my grandparents house while they were gone for the winter. Drinking too much because I just wanted it to stop and the blackouts gave me peace. I remember the few years of happiness I had with my wife. Well as close to as someone like me can have. I remember us going to school and planning a future. I was going to be a chef. She wanted to be a writer. I remember the knock on my door. Hearing she was not ok. The hospital. Seeing her. Them telling me to call her family. Calling them. Not knowing what to say. She got a headache at work. She just started crying after sitting down and passed out they said. They sent her to a bigger better hospital. I remember driving there. I drove so fast. Reckless. They took her by helicopter. They did tests. I remember they told me she had an aneurysm. She was brain dead. Them asking me to sign papers to have her unplugged. To donate her organs. Her brother wanting her father to see her again. Her father that molested her. That molested more than her. Went to prison for it. I remember stalling so he could see her. I do not know if that was the right thing to do. I hated him. But she was his daughter. And for some reason it was important to her brother. I remember he was not supposed to touch her. I remember him touching her anyways. I remember breaking. I was already broken. I have been bipolar my whole life. I remember signing the papers to take her off life support. Not being able to be there when she passed. It was too much. I apologize. I was a kid. I could only handle so much. I was 23. I killed her with the stroke of a pen. You can say she was brain dead and already dead. But that was what ended it. I remember getting mail that told me about how her organs saved lives. Calling her family, even her father to them. I do not remember the next few years well. I drank a lot. I was trying to kill myself. I stayed with her family some and mine. I made unforgivable mistakes. I got angry. I came close to killing. I remember pulling a knife. I was going to commit suicide by cop. I remember the multiple times I tried to get help. I remember giving up. Going to a group home. Just hoping. I would get help. Trying so many medications. Counseling. Being left to rot. I spent near a decade there. I tried anything they offered. I failed me. They failed me as well. Never following through. Promising things that never happened. The group home was infested with bed bugs and cockroaches. Covered in bites always. My roommates all needed help that none of us got. I was jumped and had teeth broken out for being mistaken for one that was a sexual offender. After years of trying I had to leave as another was bringing weapons into the house. we would drink together. he would pull out one. Tell me if I did not kill him with it he would kill me then himself. I went to stay with my mom. I am having trouble typing more. I just need a break. I can finish later if anyone wants. My story or as much as I could write.",Depression +22025,does anyone else with anxiety and/or depression experience fear of missing out? x fomo,Depression +22026,"I got physically threatened there daily, and everyone was super hostile. I think it is safe to say that nothing there helped, and now I am sooo much worse. do not expect to make it till 2022. Residential treatment was traumatic. Now I am more suicidal.",Suicidal +22027,I hope I get fucking cancer or something and die. Atleast that would mean something rather than this pain i have for no real reason. I am starting to physically hurt so bad. It was mentally really bad for years. But now my body is giving up on me too. I have been sick for the past year as far as o can remember. I have gone to a lot doctors and there is nothing physically wrong with me! But it hurts like hell. My whole body. I cannot breathe properly. I feel drowsy all the fucking time. What is happening to me? I ran away from all the problems so i can live. But it still haunts me. I keep having flashbacks of everything in my life every damn day. I do not think i can be saved anymore. I do not even want to die anymore. I just do not know. Something is happening to me.,Depression +22028,"feeling really shitty and lifeless. just feel like I am cursed with bad luck and that nothing good will ever happen to me, but if it did then it would be followed with something bad. I am struggling to have hopes for the future because of these thoughts. could do with some memes or a cheer up x not feeling great",Depression +22029,"I have run out of weed, the only thing that kept me going. I hade a horrible day yesterday. Had a woman from Home-Start visit, my brother called during the visit. After the visit, I called him back. He asked when I was coming to visit, I a started explaining how my current mental health is making it difficult to leave the house, let alone get into a car. Or a bus! His immediate response: 'are you still letting that old shit affect you? You just got to shake that shiy off, or you are allowing it to ruined your life.' I had to hang up. I have been subjected to child neglect, child abuse, domestic abuse, and it is taken me until my 40s to realise it was not all my fault. Yesterday felt like the last straw. I have battled NHS for 2 years to get some meaningful help, and I am still in the 'fighting' period. I am not getting any help that makes a difference. I had some horrible dreams last night, woke up in a horrid mood, sat with my knife on my wrists this morning, but I did not want my daughter finding me. she is just been picked up by her dad, over 2 hours late, and now I am chucking alcahol to build up the nerve to slice my wrists. I have got an ice element I am putting my wrist on to de-sensitise it, and I have managed to cut a bit. Just got to get a bit deeper. I hate this pain, but I just do not want to exist any more. Just a tiny bit of pain, and then no more pain. There was a guy that was maybe coming to visit, but he just said he is coming next weekend. I will not be here then. I have cut deeper than ever before",Suicidal +22030,I have my doctors appointment in 10 days and I want to ask for ECT but I was just wondering how long it takes to do it. Do you think I will have to wait months for it? How long for ECT,Suicidal +22031,"I know it sounds weird, not sure if its a me thing but I find myself getting into super depressed states after hanging out with friends. Recently, I started hanging out with a group of friends that I really like and enjoy the company of, but when I get home I find myself more depressed than when I did not have friends. This specific group of friends live ~80 miles away from me so maybe I get sad because I cannot see them as often as Id like? Has anyone experienced this? Depression after hanging out with friends",Depression +22032,"sometimes i feel fine and then everything somehow comes crashing down and i just want to be dead all over againive no motivation to do anything anymore, no friends,no family,no talents, absolutely nothing. I am a waste of space, i have not been able to do anything in days, i cannot eat and cannot sleep anymore and i honestly feel like I am already dead it does not get better",Suicidal +22033,"Every day I hope I will become interesting enough, smart enough, pretty enough to be loved, but I never do and I hunger for it still, this festering of my soul as I rot away in this attempt to be what people want in hope that they love me. I have become so lonely that nothing fills me. insanity",Depression +22034,"I was going to kill myself this summer, butmy cousinsmom died last night.I think ill hold off till my bday antidepresents have helped, but the thoughts persist",Suicidal +22035,"As I sit here typing this covered in tears, I feel like I have no purpose rn. The last 6 years of my life has been exhausting. I honestly do not even know why I am here typing this. I guess i just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere and lock it and throw away the key. I believe I am a very passionate person and i want to make a career out of it. Of course no one said it was going to be easy. But at this point idk what else to do anymore. My passion is also my addiction and i cannot stop it. It has taken over my life and idk how to find the balance of passion and addiction. I am so desperate for this fight to end, i just want out now and i feel like death is the only answer rn. I have looked for other interest but i simply just do not want to do anything else bc that is not where my passion is. The success of others has taken a toll on me. The field I want to get into is very connection driven and me not knowing anyone in that space makes me feel so alone, on top of me not having siblings. Idk what else to do in life. My current job is such a toxic work environment, job hunting sucks and there has been no call backs and no other place that I think I want to work at rn. I feel so embarrassed even saying this bc i feel like as a man I should have the answers rn but I am stuck and death seems like the only way out. I feel like my life is over.",Depression +22036,"I am miserable. I have been in depression for many years and I do not ever see myself getting back to ""normal life"". I am 21 and from france, I live on an depression aid for now, I hate the idea of work because there is nothing I see myself work in for a living, the idea of working just repels me (and I have been searching since very young a work I would like to do, but nothing). I have a psychiatrist, I am on medication and tried so many different medication (still tries new ones from times to times) but I am at a point I really see no end in my depression. I have the two things I wished I had for a long time, which is money (from the depression aid) and a cat (who I love, but she kind of hates me for some reason). I already did 2 suicide attempts in 2017 and I wish I succeeded. I hurt from depression, some unlhealed trauma I do not know how to heal, some wounds more deep I still do not know what it is from, I hate everything about my body, my life. I live at my parent's because I cannot really afford an appart just from my aid, and even if I did I would probably let myself die of hunger as it is really difficult to make or even just grab something to eat sometimes. I hate my mother, she is toxic, she made clear she wished she never had me. I do not really like doing anything anymore. Medication is not helping anymore. I considered talking to a psychologist in addition of my psychiatrist and have even an appointment for August but I am hopeless and deep down I do not believe anything is going to help... Anyways, I am tired... I am just thinking about ways of ending my life I have not tried... I have nothing to live for",Suicidal +22037,"I want to die so much. No, I *crave* it. I think of cutting my wrists, my throat. I hold my breath till I nearly pass out. I know I should not, I know I cannot but I do not know how to explain it. The pain I am in or this compulsion. I just want to feel nothing, be nothing, exists nowhere. The days of wishing and hoping it will get better are way past me, every time I think I think J have reached rock bottom the floor collapses beneath me. I cannot go one second without thinking of slitting my wrists.",Depression +22038,"Do you ever feel like you have no one to share your thoughts with? I just want to share my pain, my thoughts, my sadness but no one really wants to. I do not really want comfort, I just want to have a conversation with someone and they tell me their darkest secrets and fears and so on. Most people I know hate them, as thinking about thinks make them anxious or more depressed and they want to tell me reasons I should not feel that way, but that is not what I am really looking for. Deep talks",Depression +22039,"Do you know that feeling? You are totally fine and just a radom thought crosses your mind and make you spiral. Like you just had a great day and such thoughts as ""everything is useless because you will die anyways"" or ""living just to be a work slave is not worth it"" (just examples) and you start to overthink and this feeling of emptiness and despair creeps up until you lose your will and give in. Then you spend a time being depressed and a random thought crosses your mind again but just the opposite ""see. The ice cream was tasty. The sun is beautiful, why are not you happy? Get yoursalef back together champ"" and you start to fight again. And that cycle repeats. it is like you constantly beat yourself up for not thinking positive but once you do the other side convinces you that everything/you are useless. It is stupid. This is my cycle. Sometimes you cannot fight this negative thoughts and go into an episode. Sometimes you can preserve your positive thoughts and do well for a while. I am sick of this. If I kew that I will suffer from an episode every now and then and after it I will be back on track I actually would be happy. I could handle this trade of. But having to fight ones own thoughts 24/7 is the part that actually kills me. It is stupid. I do not want to fight every second. I just want to life. But if living means I have to battle every awake moment I do not know how long I can stand it. absurd fight in my head",Depression +22040,"I hate everyone and everything nut jfc I hate myself more than anything. I have no passions, no hobbies, no job, no value nothing. I am never going to improve neither will anything else so why should I bother continuing? it is all going to get worse. I really just want to die. I do not want to live in this world anymore.",Suicidal +22041,"Hi.About a month ago I was put on a standard dose of nortriptyline. Since then I have noticed I am waking up very early and unable to get back to sleep. I am lucky if I get 6 hours, a massive change from my usual 9 or 10.I have been on a lot of antidepressants before, and none have ever had this effect on my sleep. Is this something common to antidepressants, or nortriptyline specifically? Or is this problem unrelated to the new medication?Thanks for any help/answers. I will be seeing my psychiatrist in a few weeks so will bring it up with him as well. Can antidepressants because early awakenings?",Depression +22042,I ask this because surprisingly many pekoe fail at this and I am wondering what are the factorsI assume height is one of them and how they landAre people stupid enough to jump in water? Water is likely to save you. Especially when you can swim What are the odds of jumping off a bridge and you dying?,Suicidal +22043,"I do not know. I tried hard to find at least something positive in life, but each day I want to live less and less. I do not have things like girlfriend, good friends, loving family, interesting job or meaningful hobbies to proceed with. I tried hell a lot, but never found neither happiness nor meaning. I do not want to live like I do now, and I see no ways to change it. Why should I live if, despite all efforts, I have neither happiness nor meaning nor companionship?",Depression +22044,"The purpose of life is literally to seek dopamine.If you are really lucky (sarcasm), you will have some kind of mental illness that makes your dopamine neurotransmitters dysfunctional!Then you will get to constantly experience the spectrum of painful emotions while never really feeling authentic joy. Pain is the only thing that feels real.But you better fake a smile before you make other people uncomfortable!The best thing life has to offer really is the unconditional love and bond of an animal.Then cancer takes over, you have to let them go and life rips every fucking heartstring you have got left.I am over it. I am fucking exhausted. Life is a cruel joke",Suicidal +22045,"After graduating from college in 2019 and being somewhat unemployed for the past 2 years, I feel I have forgotten majority of people I knew and I also feel like there are no new people that have been introduced in my life to fill that gap. This loneliness aches. I hope I find love soon and know what it feels like being alive. After each passing year, I am losing more and more people that I knew.",Depression +22046,"Recently my depression has gotten worse and yet I have not been able to tell anyone except 2 friends. I just feel like nobody cares about me except my dad , it does not feel like my mom , brother or sister really cares about me and the same goes with my friends. I feel like every time I am with someone I feel like a ghost and they just care about what I can do and my feelings are just left there untouched and damaged. And another thing is I feel like I am just going to have a shit life and what is the point of reaching the future. I just feel as if what is the point of living life to be alone , just by myself in a boring job just to make money to live a shit life. The worst part is I have anxiety and I am not sure if it relates but I could never bring myself to get help or tell my family as I am just too scared. I could never kill myself (at least at this point in my life) I just feel as if there is so much shit I cannot be arsed to deal with I just wish that someone would just make me free and either dead or just not have do deal with anything. I just wanted to get this out since I do not have the courage to get help. I feel like nobody cares about me and I do not feel like living anymore",Depression +22047,"I did not ask for this. I do not want it. Why, just why am I being *forced* to be here? I did not get to choose life but I also cannot choose to end it. Seems unfair to me. &#x200B;I just want to leave. I am screaming for it, begging for peace and eternal rest. Let me go. Please .. I think the human experience is overrated",Suicidal +22048,"I feel like years of depression and anxiety made my brain rot. I could never pay attention, remember anything or understand things as good or fast as others could but it is only gotten worse. Whenever I managed to get enough motivation to read because I knew the words I read in the book but did not understand what they meant. When I needed advice from someone but still did not get it after the third explanation because I either was not paying attention for some reason or nothing made sense. I often got asked ""is this too hard to understand or is it something else?"" I always said, that I needed more time or I had a bad day but in reality I might just be stupid. Honestly I cannot even deny it anymore and I feel like I am making a fool of myself for trying. Being stupid is hard. I cannot do anything right because I am too stupid",Depression +22049,"My husband and I (m) got married about 2 years ago, and were very happy together. We were in fairly dark mental and career states when we met through work, but found happiness in each other and have both left that work place. I am now in a successful place in a new career in a new city and I enjoy all of those things - work, success, place, family. But my husband just got a new seasonal job at the place we used to both work. And so he lives with some of our best friends in that town, which is about a 4 hour drive away. Hes loving every minute - new duties, new coworkers, amazing boss, and he loves the place he is. And I am so damn happy for him. It really fills my heart to talk to him on the phone and visit him. To see him so thrilled to be doing what hes doing is such an amazing gift to us both. But that means I have been living alone for about 8 weeks now since he left. He comes to visit every few weekends, and I have found that is the only time I have enough energy to even put plates in the empty dishwasher, or put wrappers in the trash, or empty the overflowing recycling, or pick up the dog shit in the yard. Its the only time I can must the strength to vacuum, wipe down counters, do laundry, etc. I do not have many friends in this new city. Most of them are back at our old work where my husband is. I like my coworkers but I am far younger than all of them and do not necessarily see eye to eye on everything. So I spend all my time alone. I have not walked the dog in weeks, we just play in the back yard. The house is extremely messy by our standards. Its a depression pit. But hes coming home this week for a few days. And so I am picking up the place because I suddenly have the energy to hide my shameful mess and make the space welcoming for him. The kitchen is clean, the yard is picked up, the sheets are fresh, the trash is empty, and it feels so good and clean. Why cannot I just do this for myself? Why cannot I get enough energy to do the little things every night to keep the house like this? Instead, when I know I should do these housekeeping chores, I get mad at myself for not having the energy to do it, which makes me just want to hide from the world. I go crawl into bed and watch crappy YouTube videos instead. How do you get the energy to take care of yourself? I just realized how little I value myself. Ill bend over backwards for everyone else to make them happy, but I cannot even gather energy to toss garbage if I am alone.",Depression +22050,"If you want some more information, please read my previous post. But I am not doing good at the moment. Could really do with talking to someone. I do not want to talk about my problems, I would just love to have a chat with someone, about anything. I would love to hear about your life and your hobbies and stuff and would like you to just ask me some questions just so I can feel like someone cares. I might not be very talkative to start with as I can be a bit shy, but I would appreciate even just listening to someone. My only rule would be I would want to talk to someone who is female. As I have bad experiences with talking to guys online, and I cannot trust them and feel very anxious on call with them. I will just say a bit about me so you know what you are expecting on call, I am a 20 year old male from the UK. I would call now but my house is very loud at the moment so it will have to be in 2-3 hours when everyone is asleep.Thank you Would anyone like to call in 2-3 hours time?",Suicidal +22051,"I am trying to fight this and not lie in bed all day. Today I went kayaking for an hour and went swimming. Then after 3 hours I went back home. I am in a new city alone (not the reason for my depression, looking for a new start rather). Now its 4:16 on a Saturday and I have no idea what to do in Pittsburgh to occupy so much time. I have to fight an urge to lie around and smoke weed all day What to do with 16 long hours?",Depression +22052,"Do you think that depression may because sleep disorders? -such as somnambulism- I am trying to know why is happening to me right know. I have been thinking that maybe, sleepwalking/talking is related to emotional stress or a side effect of depression (or anxiety). Any of you have had the same problem? Parasomnia (sleepwalking or talking)",Depression +22053,Why does it have to be so hard to do it? Why is it a sin to not want to live? Why do not I get to choose? Fuck this fucking world If I could just die and stop existing that would be awesome,Depression +22054,"It is such a relief to know about the existence of brain fog, I was feeling so strange because of it, everything was so confusing and I could not remember certain things, now that I know that it is a syptom of depression and that I am not the only one going through this state of confusion is such a relief. Brain fog",Depression +22055,"I cannot find interest in anything but cannot get back to sleep anymore because I have already overslept too much. Normally I can distract myself with some kind of music, game or movie but I feel like I have 0 attention for absolutely anything today, I just feel so empty. Any advice? Thank you <3 I do not know what to do with myself today",Depression +22056,I have fucking had enough of all this shit I am so close to killing myself,Depression +22057,"Its been 8 months, iv been on dates, had sexual experiences with other girls and yet again I am sat in bed praying for to walk through that door just one more time to tell me she loves me.I have girls interested in me and want to be with me, but she was the love of my life and I fucked it up.If there is a god. Hes ruined my life. I will not ever forget you Nat. she is moved on and I will not ever",Depression +22058,"I keep holding the tip of the knife to my stomach. I do not want to do it, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot cut my wrists because the long drawn out motion makes me want to vomit. If I stabbed myself, it would just be one quick motion. I do not think I even want to die? I just want a fucking break. I cannot keep living like this. cannot stop thinking about stabbing myself",Suicidal +22059,"I knew one guy got killed himself with poison that is used to kill mice. So, today at 11 p.m I also did the same it is 2 a.m only my stomach is burning hard. I do not know what is happening with me. I tried killing myself",Suicidal +22060,"My twin is really struggling with suicidal thoughts and has been cutting themselves, I am really worried and I have to help them but I do not know how. Help please",Suicidal +22061,I am a 20 yr old homeless woman.. i lost my place a couple weeks ago n have no where to go. been on my own since 16. I am starving and desperate. if anyone can help my $parishrmack idc if its 3 dollars i can buy a can of spaghetti n something to drink I do not know what to do. I am desperate and i need help. Please somebody hear me out n see this. Its been 4 days now,Depression +22062,"Idk how much longer I am going to be able to stand living like this. I have been taking antiemetics for the past few days and am ready to take SN and get this over with. Might post again, might not. Hope you all have a better one, I just needed to get this off my chest. I have all the pieces",Suicidal +22063,"It cannot be that whatever I do . I always come back to more hours alone in my bed , blasting music to my headphones and crying . Its awesome how reality fades away and its only me with my thoughts . Its crazy how they can break me enitrely , it feels like total disconnecting from reality Like if nothing else mattered . Like if you were watching your life from outside . Like if life was a dream everything feels so free , but at the same time so irrelevant , so emotionally sensitive . What is real and what is not Is everything my fault . Is anything worth living for . It feels like whatever I do , I am just worthless , I am so utterly useless . I cannot have friends . I cannot have anything ,all I have are the things I made up , at this point I am not scared to lose this crazy dream , because I live from jumping . And if I lose it , Ill be as useless as before , it will be as meaningless as before , I already saw my dream die , I have nothing else to live for Can someone just talk to me The funny feeling",Suicidal +22064,"I feel like I am being enveloped in dark flames of depression, and if I do not get out soone Ill jump of a bridge. I thought about it so much when I was at jos the other day. With elli snoring beside me and no snoring on the other room. I imagined centrally slipping on my shoes and quietly leaving the house, walking in the dark to the foot bridge, while cars blur around me and drunk people stumble past me. I imagine being at the top of that bridge and looking at the water with lights reflecting off it. Then struggling to get over the railing because of my heaight and weight but no doubt getting over it from determination, then turning around to face the water now with no barrier. And just falling, letting my body be free, thinking nothing, I imagine falling for a second before hitting the freezing water, I wonder if it would be incredibly painful, or would it be delayed, perhaps Id mistake the pain for the cold water, I wonder what Id do then, would I be a coward and try to get out, regretting my choice or would I let the cold water take over my tired body, would I face into the dark water or look up to the sky? Would I drown? If I did perhaps that would be good and then if I failed what would happen then? Would I be fished out by someone or would I just gradually make my way to the shore? What then? Look around and what if noones there to help? Would I make my way back to jos whiles my feet make wet sounds against the pavement, in my dazed state would I notice the stares from the drunkards or the way a car stopped just as I walked out onto the street to cross to get to jos? Or would my senses be alert? Who knows how would I explain? I do not know, at the end of the day this is just a scenario but one I have thought about a lot, perhaps I will try it next time I got to jos or perhaps I will take control finally and be happy, choose happiness finally TW - Me ranting/ imaging read at risk",Suicidal +22065,"i need to be real with myself. this is not normal. you cannot just bash your head into mine, tell me I am a retarded handicap and that ill never be able to get a job or amount to anything because I am so stupid and useless and expect me to smile. I am getting abused verbally, emotionally and physically. all by the person who everyone says loves me. yeah right.if they loved me, they would not scream at me, nobody likes you and everyone wants you dead.if they loved me, they would apologize and mean it.if they loved me, they would not hurt me and laugh in my face about it.if they loved me, they would not get pleasure from my pain.if they loved me, id be happy.if they loved me, i would fucking know. i need to get this off my chest (tw; abuse)",Suicidal +22066,"Today I tried to explain to my parents about how I really do not see any value in life and was called selfish for how I felt. I already did not want to tell my father because I knew this was going to happen and now I regret it. I remember trying to tell my friend how I felt about my life and I scared them off before I could finish, yet they tell me to open up and tell me how you feel? I have learned my lesson with opening up to people, I will never tell people how I truly feel ever again. I will learn to walk through life to look happy all the time in order to avoid the mess and frustration that comes with telling people how you feel. Well, I like being open online since I am anonymous, but I will never tell people how I am feeling in real life to avoid the baggage that comes with it. I will never open up about my feelings again.",Suicidal +22067,how many people here actually own a gun? I have recently bought a gun and I do not think that is the most sane thing that I have ever done. I bought it with the intent to go to a gun range and to have a new hobby. the more I think of it the more that I see how easy it would be to put the barrel in my mouth and end it all. I have seen how several people have made it through a gunshot to the head and I do not think that is what I want to do at this point. I do not want to end up a vegetable in a nursing home and constantly being blown by a 300 pound black dude named Bubba and constantly having my mangina smashed. Maybe a 9mm hollow point? Own a gun?,Suicidal +22068,"The person I have loved for 4 years who has broken my heart before did it again a month ago. He just lost feelings for me for the second time and I feel so worthless and like I am never going to feel as happy as I did with him. The last time it happened i spiraled into a depressive period that lasted 2 years. Then I met him again and this time we were together for 2 years and he just broke it off and wants nothing to do with me. I fuck every relationship up with my insecurities and self hatred and I do not blame him for not wanting to be around me. I feel sick, have not eaten more than a few bites a day for a whole month. I do not know how I am ever going to feel that happy again and knowing he did not feel the same is killing me. I just want to disappear and erase myself from the earth. I am completely alone in a country that is not my own and I do not have anyone to talk to. I cannot feel like this again. I cannot sleep I cannot work I cannot do anything except think about how he thinks of me now, like something hes glad he got rid of. I know what I need to do and I know everything takes time but I just do not want to go through it. I want to die. I really do not see myself ever having a future. I have fucked up my life so much it is not possible to go back. Suicidal thoughts after breakup",Suicidal +22069,"I cannot grasp a coherent thought. I cannot think straight. Some days are normal, most are not. I am numb but full of anger aswell. I loose my temper easily but can controll it to not leash out on other people. They have done nothing wrong so they should not suffer under my bad mood, would not be fair lol.I still think bad of them, I cannot controll the angry thoughts. I know I am being unreasonble but I cannot stop. Even over small things that do not matter at all.I have lost all joy at everything, all I do is work, come home, sit in front of my PC and do absolutley nothing until I go to bed. I get uncomfortable as soon as I go outside. This may sound dumb but I hate going out in sunlight. I am outside at work all day and I could not care less, I do my tasks and all is fine. But as soon as I do something for myself that I should be enjoying (shopping, washing my car, hiking) I get this uneasy feeling. Like I am being crushed by an Invisible force? Am I making sence? Why am I even writing thisI want this to end I feel like I am loosing it",Suicidal +22070,"Its time to do something about my depression and like the idea of an online doc. I am looking at all the regular online providers: Brightside, Lemonade, Cerebral, etc. Does anyone have a positive experience or suggestion of any specific provider? Best online psychiatrist ?",Depression +22071,I just really do not want to be here anymore. Throughout my whole life I have been abused and I really cannot take it anymore. No one really cares about me and I do not have anyone in this world.I want to take my life on the 12th July. help,Suicidal +22072,"Hi, I am a 17 years old boy and I have been seeing this 16 years old girl for some weeks, basically we are not in a relationship but we are a lot more than friends. The problem is, she has been really down and sad lately, I tried to talk to her and she opened up and told me that she just does not want to live anymore, apparently she has even attempted and thankfully failed suicide some time ago, she also smokes a lot and drinks lots of alcohol and energetic drinks. The only problem that I know about her is that she was kind of sexually assaulted about 7 months ago, and she feels like no one really cares for her and we will all just leave her at some point, she probably has more problems but she does not want to talk about them. I once managed to talk to her until she felt better (I tried to make her feel loved, and that me and a lot of people care for her), but today she told me she does not want to see anybody, that she is tired of the ""I am here for you"" and ""it will get better"" phrases, that she does not want to talk about it anymore and that she is just tired of living...I really do not know what to tell her, I feel like there is not anything I can help with talking to her, the whole ""it will get better"" just feels like a lie and it is not like she wants to see anyone so the ""there is people that love you and care for you"" does not really make her feel better... I am just lost but I really want to help her, has someone been through something similar? Someone I care about is suicidal, help.",Depression +22073,"I am a lesbian (31F) who has been desperately longing to have a girlfriend ever since puberty, but I was a shy and chubby teenager and had many unrequited crushes on straight girls. In my late teens/early 20s, I did try to meet other queer women near me, mainly through online dating, but that led to few dates and no relationships (and it all made me very uncomfortable anyway because of my social anxiety). The queer dating pool is small anyway, and I am also a screw up in general (depressed college dropout living with relatives and working a dead end job who will probably never amount to anything), so it is not like women would be breaking down the door to date me anyway. Still, I find myself longing for love and sex, and it breaks my heart to see almost everyone I know dating/married. How can I move on from this obsession and accept it will probably never happen? How to make peace with it? (And please, no responses like ""just go out there and try!"" or ""do not give up!"" I am trying to be realistic and specifically asking for help to accept what is probably inevitable.) How to accept I will probably never have love/sex?",Depression +22074,"after battling my depression, lonelyness, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and selfharm for 8-9 years without an ending in sight, i finaly opend myself up to my family and I am willing to go to a therapist. these two years would have been my last days living in my disgusting existence and searching for an ending to my horrendous live. I am so terrible afraid of the moment i will see my new therapist. I hope this while turn out to be my first and last post on this supreddit. thank you all so much for showing me that i was never truely alone. Finaly getting help",Depression +22075,"i just want to end. my l just want to be dead i cannot go on i just want help, my parents will not, the adults will not and suicide helplines do not do shit i have a cutting problem and bipolar, can someone please help can someone please help me",Suicidal +22076,let us say I saved up a few hundred pills over the course of many months. Would that be enough? I know you need an incredibly high Prozac dosage to even because symptoms to appear (like 50x prescribed amount). Thanks What would happen if I took 7200 mg of Fluxotine (Prozac),Suicidal +22077,"I do not know how to deal with all of my thoughts anymore, I have been falling deeper and deeper into this hole of just hating myself and basically giving up all hope for things to get better. I just want to scream all of the stuff that goes through my head at someone. I have been completely hiding all of the things that bother me from my friends, they always think of me as the happy energetic one but they do not know how draining it is to push these thoughts out of my head. I love all of them and i want to do this for them i love to see them be happy but i do not feel like doing anyhting anymore. I just want to stop, I have lost all motivation and energy and I am about to burst. I literally feel like I am alive for others and not for myself. Spending time with my friends starts to become harder aswell, i just feel like crying all the time. I need someone to pull me out of this miserable state, i just cannot stand the thought of opening up to someone and them knowing how fucked up my head is. I am ashamed of things that i think, how is anyone going to see me the same way after i talk about them. I just do not know what to do anymore. I just want to explode",Depression +22078,"I feel that everyone suffers worse than me and have less than I do, yet it does not change my outlook on my own life. Knowing makes me feel that I am not aloud to complain as my problems are not as bad. I have been told this from my mother and it hurts because she is right and I have nothing to say for it. I am so weak in both body and mind and despite having bigger things to worry about, all I want is to be loved. To be held with a warm embrace as my tears gently fall from my face. it is not going to happen though. Nobody is going to want me for myself when there are better choices than I.I am trying to make friends online, but it is very hard as people have there own groups and stop talking to me after awhile. I am scared to speak to anyone in person out of fear that someone will see me as a creep. it is how I view myself. I have been addicted to porn for so long, it is as if people can see the disgusting things I have done and watched just by looking at me. I know they cannot, but that fear creeps up from behind and silences me. I have not been masturbating as of late, but its only a matter of time before I give in to my urges, falling deeper in the rabbit hole I made. This cycle constantly stops me from being able to approach anyone at times out of fear of judgement.Maybe this is coming off as whining, but I do not know where I could express my struggles and frustrations. I do not feel comfortable disclosing this to my family. I do go to therapy, but it feels as if I am learning nothing and the meds I am on are not working. I say everything I can in hopes that something that I have said will be a start to a healthy life, but nothing has shown itself as of now. I want to be strong so I can put this all behind me and finally start living the life I want. Surrounding myself with friends and having a healthy relationship with someone who values me instead of trying to get something out of me.I know I have the potential to change. it is there everyday I awake and it will be there again to greet me tomorrow. I just need some motivation or energy or something/someone to push me to becoming good, maybe even great. I hope that I get to see that better me before my life fades from this planet. Can anyone here give me some guidance? The littlest of help will do just fine. Even if you do not have any advice, I want to thank you for bothering to read all of this. Reading this alone helps me feel as if someone might care for me. here is to a better tomorrow. Trying to Swim Up a Stream (M 22)",Depression +22079,"I am 20 this year and I am about to start university in 2 months time. the anxiety is building up every single day and its so hard to get out of bed. i do not eat, i do not sleep much (or i sleep too much ; 17-19 hours a day) and i really am so stressed that I am wasting away whilst seeing my friends preparing for university. I am majoring in Physiotherapy, which is a pretty tough course to get into in Singapore, and the education system here is honestly overwhelming. just thinking about school and the stress that i am going to have to endure in the near future gives me panic attacks. i think its pretty ironic that i am so passionate about healthcare, but i myself have been struggling with mental illnesses for 8 years. I have been in and out of hospitals due to attempts and severe blood loss due to SH, and I have been on meds since i was 13.well, i guess i just came here to vent and maybe to find someone else who is in my position as well. if you took the time to read my post, thank you. hope everyone is doing well entering university with severe lack of motivation",Depression +22080,thinking of jumping out right now. its moving 75 mph. but if i change my mind i do not want my parents to know since they do not know I am suicidal. if i land on my head ill probably die. will the car show if i unlocked the rear door whiles its moving,Suicidal +22081,I do not want to do this for how ever many years i have left. I want to go now. I wish i was not born. I am ready to go,Depression +22082,"As much as I want to write out an essay on all the things pushing me over the edge, I will not go too in detail since I know no one would read all of it anyways.My last post was 4 months ago, and I was having an episode that I thought would end in suicide. A lot has happened since then.For a concrete and direct answer, long story short, the main accelerant for this is envy. An impossibly strong, vile envy. Nothing will stop it. there is no exaggeration when I say it is been on my mind 24/7 since last August. Constant thoughts of all I could have been have perpetually haunted me for almost a year now, and combined with everything else going on with me, it beat me. I lose, I give up.And if you are curious, what I wanted to do was art, and my envy is for an artist. I even got a drawing tablet just to feel what it is like to drag a stylus on a screen, but that is it. it is not going to go anywhere.All that is left is for me to build up the courage to take my life. And all I am hoping when I cross over to the other side, is that perhaps there is a good reason I went through this life.Hopefully this is the last I post on this account, I am posting this mainly as closure to my obnoxious story. It was a rough journey and ultimately I lost. All I fear now is failing my suicide. So wish me luck. My story ended a while ago.",Suicidal +22083,"I am starting to believe that I deserve to die just for being me. All my life, I was not the best kid growing up and everyone hated me because I am on the autism spectrum. I was immature, a brat, had anger issues, and was very hyper and did not fit in with hardly anyone. Now my past keeps trolling me and I am always sad because everyone still hates me. So maybe I do deserve to die I do not know what to believe anymore",Depression +22084,Hi guys its time for my death. This is my second proper suicide attempt and I am ready to die. I am ready for eternal blackness. I cannot wait to not be haunted by him anymore!!!I am so happy why am I crying? My nose is tied to the cieling,Suicidal +22085,"Everyone has their ups and downs. Everyone goes though good and bad days however I had realized that I am missing something more. I have been feeling like even though I am told that I am heard, it feels like quite the opposite. I have been feeling misunderstood for as long as I remember and its catching up to me. I almost have no communication with my parents, all of my friends are busy with life and my girlfriend of 2 years just left me a couple of days ago because I exhausted her which is true and I need to find myself and I have to settle things with me. I have been lacking motivation for the past few years, there is nothing that I feel inspired by, nothing that drives me and I feel like I am just another person that awaits his time to go. I have had suicidal thoughts before, this time they scare me and I guess I am here not asking for help because I can only help myself but more so to see how those of you that have/are feeling that way coping with it and what is it that you are holding on to.Thank you for reading. Unable to find happiness and peace",Suicidal +22086,"short but i mean the title says it all really, whether it be hanging out or even talking; i am always wanting to be around others, but no one has ever wanted to be around me. i cannot remember the last time someone reached out",Suicidal +22087,"I have finally reached the point I have been waiting for. That one I have always read about. Where you cannot care, I used to cry all the time. But here and now, I finally do not care. I can think of these things calmly. I finally have what I have always wanted and it feels even more empty than I have ever thought or hoped for. Holy shit",Depression +22088,"will i ever be noticed? is my life worth anything? i spend all day doing nothing, full of sorrow and pain, while wishing pain on others. i waste my time, day, after day, after day, slowly killing myself mentally. the isolation is killing me. i have no one to talk to about it, it feels like I am going to hurt myself or someone else, but I am too afraid to act on it solely because i do not want to go back to the mental hospital. who am i? why am i here? what is my point anymore? i do not want to waste away like this, i work so hard to get better, my days always start off promising but go to shit quickly. it feels like life itself is playing me like a fiddle, why though? what did i do to deserve this pain? I have been like this since i was a mere toddler, so why me? did i commit a major sin in my past life? was there a past life? i do not know anymore. i wanted to grow up to help people, to be a leader, to change peoples lives for the better, but now i will not be anything. at most, ill be homeless, at worst ill be dead, but is it really that bad? is it bad to lose my life anymore? nobody would miss me. i destroyed all of my relationships. i only have my mother, i love my mother, she is been through so much, she is so strong and I am so proud of her, but i do not think i want to continue to live like this. i just want to escape, i cannot embrace this life anymore, for it has brought me to my knees. nobody would miss me. i do not care anymore. i will not even miss myself. I am just too afraid to go through with it, i do not have a gun, i do not have anything of that sort, so what do i do? i do not feel like a human. i feel subhuman, i feel like nothing, why was i born this way, WHY? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? I DID NOTHING. I JUST WANTED A NICE AND SAFE JOURNEY, BUT OF COURSE I HAD TO GO INSANE FROM ISOLATION. this is not even mentioning all of the voices and stuff i see, its probably due to loneliness, i hear people calling my name, a comforting girls voice, a girl i do not even know, a girl i will never know. right before i sleep i am haunted with the noises of people saying my name, as if I am at my deathbed. i know it is unrealistic, though. because no one would miss me in reality. I am a nobody, i do nothing to help other people, I have been a mental cripple my entire life. its only become apparent recently, when all of my friendships came falling down solely because i am a horrible friend, and horrible, narcissistic, degenerate of a person in general. this is not even the worst I have felt, last night was when i cried harder than I have ever cried, i had to cover my mouth to prevent screaming, i do not want my mom to worry about me. my mom deserves everything for how hard she works for me, even after my dad died. i know my dad would be sad if i go through with killing myself, but hes not here anymore, hes in a better place. i know that my life is going to get worse from here, my teenage years have just started, and it feels like i am really losing my mind. do i deserve this? is this because of all my past mistakes? i do not know, and i will not ever know. what hurts most is that everyone i know would tell me how much i change, that i was not the same funny, happy, helpful me. that is what my friend told me right before we stopped talking. I am such a selfish fucking bitch. i always talk about other people not being empathetic, but i myself am not empathetic, and only paint myself to be so other people feel bad, am i really just this bad of a person? is all I am looking for a reaction from everyone so that i can finally know they care, or make them care? i do not know. i do not know answers to any of this. i feel like I am going insane with all these thoughts flowing around my head, there is nothing that calms them anymore, i am just filled with negative emotions, and i have no way to control them. i know i will never be off meds. last time i was, i was crying harder than i have ever cried, and i had the worst homicidal thoughts. at this point, its a struggle to keep myself from hurting myself and others. i bet it would be a lot better for everyone if i was gone, nobody would be hurt. thank you if you read this whole thing. accumulation of my thoughts.",Depression +22089,I am feeling so sad and miserable that I dreamt of literally being sent messages I am so miserable. I dreamt that people messaged me ; (,Depression +22090,"I am poor,always have been on the broke end in life. I am 17, and my acne is the worst its ever been and i cannot afford products to help me with it. its hard juggling school with a job, and i apply to tons every day and get rejected time and time again. Its hard but i cry myself to sleep and cannot look in the mirror because its terrible. Feeling like shit as always",Depression +22091,If you feel you have no friends clap your hands*clap clap*If you want to disappear clap your hands*clap clap*If your life has gone to shit and you really cannot handle itIf you want to kill yourself clap your hands*clap clap* *clap clap*,Depression +22092,"I have tried everything from therapy to medication, its got to the point where I know that I am not going to die of natural causes at this point. I am a horrible person and do not do deserve love or life. I am a terrible big brother and my little sister hates me, I do not know what to do, nothing makes me happy I am going to kill myself tonight. I am tired of trying to feel better or to be normal.",Suicidal +22093,"I do not know what to do anymore. All I know that I should be happy. I got some close friends, a girlfriend and a loving mother, yet I feel only hatred for myself and all I can think about, is what a failure I am. If you do not want to read this whole text, you do not have to. I only want to write my toughts down once, in case I will not be able to it by tomorrow next week anymore. Right now I am in the Infantry in the Swiss Military. This is what I chose and what I wanted. This is the strarting base for all my future plans. While I was drafted, I dind't mention that I am serverly depressed for years now. I already had a failed suicide attempt 4 years ago. By not mentioning this at the drafting, I was able to go to the infantry and I planed to stay in it for about 2 years to finance my university degree. With the situation of Covid right now, it is impossible to find work in my field, so this is my only chance of financing my future. Today is the 6th day in the army, and I think I am a liabillity for my squad, my platoon everything. Twice already my comerades had to do sit ups because of me, but I also do not want to leave, for I do not know another way of earning money right now.My depression makes me panic in fear of fking up, everytime I have to do a task. This makes it impossible for me to do even the easiest tasks. All this pressiure and this feeling of dissapionting my squad, makes me cry myself into sleep nearly every night. I always hate myself for not being able to get myself together and always regarded myself as a failure. I also do not want to be that guy, that left his service. I cannot do it anymore. Since Switzerlands gunlaws are just to easy, I already own a handgun, and in the last six days, the only thing I tought about is to use it for me, so I will not be the failure that quit his service. The problem is, I live at home, I have three siblings and I do not want them to find me. I also hate the thought of hurting my family, my friends, my girlfriend and all the people close to me. I really have no idea on what to do. I cannot carry on, I do not want to hurt anyone, yet all I want is to end this 6 year long suffering. I already dreamed every day to end it all, but up until now, I always had a reason to carry on. As it is may not clear by with this text, I really wanted to go in the military, but now I realised, that I suck at the one thing that made me go through this until now. I do not know how to carry on, it is just to much. I also do not know if I will still be around by Monday in a week. All I know is that I want to end it. Since years I expected nothing from my life, and the fear of becoming the failure I already think I am, makes me want to end it even more. Sorry for posting such a long text. I do not expect anyone to go through this all, and I also kind of hope no one does. I do not want to waste your time with all that. Stay strong guys. See you mabey next week, or mabey not. The End. The failure",Suicidal +22094,I am turning 24 in a month. What I do for a job is not fulfilling and I keep struggling to not feel hopeless because of this. Its the highest paying job I can get without investing the majority of my time to stressing about work (I dread this. I think its because I do not want to be trapped) I struggle a lot with the idea of losing myself to a job that I feel is not authentic to who I am? I have not spoken to a therapist all year and I just keep putting it off but its what I really need as my moving forward step. I have learned a lot this year about myself in respect to my family - I understand them better. I am finally understanding I do not have to be so stiff when it comes to new situations. I think my mechanism to remain unaffected by anything is to move through life passively and I have been avoiding becoming personable in my workplaces previously. I need to talk to a therapist it just feels like starting a whole thing once more. Anything I perceive as stress or as potentially stressful is avoided. I guess I am just stuck and afraid Awake at 4:55am and I cannot believe how life is passing me by,Depression +22095,"Yesterday, I decided to go finish my degree after COVID forced me to withdraw. This year has been the hardest year, (as previous posts will highlight) with depressive and suicidal thoughts the highest I have had in my life. For the first time, I feel like I am looking up to see a future, just a few weeks ago I did not think I had. One step at a time. But, I think I saw a smile on my face today. I decided to go back and finish my degree, and its the first time I have seen the light in a while",Depression +22096,"Please talk to me , you deserve to be happy its the 10th and I feel awful . I hope you see this do not know any other way to reach you For Alex",Suicidal +22097,I am so fucking sick of being lonely i sit alone all day every day i drink and smoke and do anything i can to shorten my life without killing myself I am fucking sick,Depression +22098,"I am just so fucking sad. Every day feels like an eternity of pain. I know i should get help but it just seems so difficult and pointless. I have felt like this on and off for a long time, but have not self harmed or attempted suicide since I was a teenager. I am in love with my sons father, who i live with, who gaslights me and tells me he will never love me but will not allow me to talk to any one. I had a great job but quit bc i felt like I was going to drive my car into the river on the way to work one day. I am so lost and alone and I just want a genuine human connection but my history of trauma makes it impossible. I am at the end of my rope and I do not know what to do. I do not want to kill myself bc i have children who love me but feeling so isolated, alone, and misunderstood is eating away at my insides and I am so sad recently I just believe everyone would be better off if I was not here. Black hole within",Depression +22099,"Out of nowhere came this wave of manic feeling and a need to be active and doing things which is very distressing because I know this is the only other feeling I am going to feel other than the depression or the nothingness that I basically feel everyday but I am so psychologically exhausted that I do not even know how to ""enjoy"" my manic phase now feeling manic",Depression +22100,"I am severely depressed, and i am almost always thinking of ways to kill myself, the only thing stopping me is the pain id be putting my friends through. I cry 15+ hours every day, and punch myself in the face 3-4 times everyday. I do not know what to do anymore. I keep going to the roof to jump off",Depression +22101,"People do not care about me because I am here. And I always will be. But our friends who have taken their lives are loved and remembered and celebrated and cherished. When I say I am going crazy or spiraling or my depression is worse than usual I am ignored. When I post a sexy pic or make a funny joke I am complimented. When I mention wanting to die, there is a short burst of attention to make sure its not serious, followed by crickets once I confirm that I am not imminently going to kill myself.If I died, Id be remembered for how smart and funny I was. I actually really like myself most of the time, and I imagine that people would laugh about the silly stupid movies I loved to watch or how I always listened to Taylor Swift instead of new music and how I gave really good hugs. they would probably think it was my insecurities about my body, my ongoing mental health struggles and recent turbulence after graduating and not finding a job. But it was the friendship, or lack thereof. I miss my friends and I fear the only way they will care about me as much as I care about them is when I die. None of them would even read this if I posted it on Facebook or Instagram or even texted it to them I bet, but if I looked them in the eyes and said it, they would deny it. Unfortunately I think I am not that bad and I do not totally want to die, so I might just have to find new friends which sounds so hard I might just kill myself anyway I want to be loved and celebrated like dead people are",Suicidal +22102,"TL:DR: nothings going to get better and I again failed in finding loveI always try to keep hope, but it never seems to pan out.i do not see things getting better for me. Not that my situation cannot get better, but I do not see my mental health getting any better. It does not matter if something good happens, it either does not work out or the happiness from it does not last that long and I am back to my normal of being sad for no reason. I read something about how humans have a baseline mood, mix of genes and environment, but basically when nothings bad or good every person has a different level of mood. Mine is low, Ill find a reason to be sad, or I just will be. But reading that made me feel pretty hopeless because the study said that this baseline is pretty stable over your lifetime. Which supports my view that life is just one long hamster wheel of sadness for a lot of people. The latest bout of hope is I met a girl who is really attractive and thought I was too. she is really extroverted, I am not. We had a lot of fun together which culminated in us cuddling all night watching YouTube videos, that gave me hope. But of course it does not work out with her, after that night she ghosted me.This happens a lot, girls think I am physically attractive but for some reason they hate my personality. I am 23, I have never known what love is, just get teased about what it is. I have sex like once a year but I do not care, that is not what I want. I want emotional intimacy. Cuddling with that girl and making jokes with her making her laugh feel just genuinely happy, like a dark cloud parted just for a little. After it was over I was so anxious for 5 days that it would not work out, I could not eat, I was throwing up anything I ate, and of course my fear came true. Now I am just left with a tease of what love is but no idea still what its about. Now I am here, where I normally am, at the butt end of false hope, cannot get this girl out of my head, idk where to meet other girls. Lifes just one big hamster wheel",Depression +22103,"I have a dentist appointment next weekand I just know they are going to find more cavities. I have not been in over a year and every time I go I have at least 2 cavities. I must have had around 10 or more fillings at this point and I am only 22. I have always had issues with brushing and flossing my teeth which I am pretty sure is due to my mental health. I neglect to take care of myself but I also could just be a lazy piece of shit. I do not know, I am just anxious about the dentists usual speech of you need to take better care of your teeth I had a pretty consistent schedule for a few months but fell off after a lot of stress and depression. I am also just worried about how many cavities they are going to find and could use some support. I feel so stupid already and I have not even gone yet. Ugh I hate how much of a mess my life is at the moment and did not know where to post this. Sorry, I just need a hug. I have a dentist appointment next week and I am dreading it",Depression +22104,"I am currently on 2mg of abilify (aripiprazole) which i pretty recently started as an antidepressant booster. However, I have been sleeping pretty terribly, waking up in the middle of the night and/or waking up super early and having trouble falling back to sleep. now beforehand I had chronic insomnia in that I had trouble falling asleep, but when I was out I was out. I treat this with cannabis, which works like a charm for falling asleep but is not helping this issue.In the meantime before I see my psychiatrist, I am curious to known is this usually an issue that persists? even in the short time I have been on this drug my mood and outlook have been way better to the point where people have told me they noticed a difference. I would hate to have to stop it so any insight is welcome, thanks!! Abilify really helps with depression, but is making sleeping difficult",Depression +22105,Once again I am at this place mentally. I feel so freaking terrible. I always protect other people but who is going to protect me when I need it? I keep losing important people and now I am losing the one person I ever rly cared about.I am truly worthless and have no place in this earth. I am a waste of space Ah sht here we go again?,Suicidal +22106,I messed my life up and I want to hit the reset button I want a do over,Suicidal +22107,does anyone else wish that they were never born just to suffer.. wish i was never born,Suicidal +22108,"I need advice; worried about my boyfriend I am not a doctor, but I am a nurse. I have been dating my boyfriend for over 1.5 years and living with him for about a year. Generally speaking he is a very anxious/paranoid person. He also has days where he cannot get out of bed and feels down. He also has serious social anxiety and does not trust most people. I have wanted him to see a doctor about this for a long time, but he was afraid of taking medications and did not want it to change who he is. That being said- He was recently in a bad car accident. The people that T boned him died and he is really torn up about it. His friend that was in the car with him is also now money hungry and states that he is going to come after my boyfriend financially somehow even though the accident was 100% not his fault based on what happened and the police report. His car is totaled, the police took it to a tow lot which has racked up to about $1000, there is attorneys involved, and its just a big stressful mess. This has REALLY set off his anxiety and depression. Hes paranoid that investigators are watching him, he feels hopeless, hes super anxious, he cannot get out of bed some days, he has obsessive thoughts about WHY his friend would do what hes doing, WHY the people pulled out and t-boned him etc. I am worried the depression will progress and become even more serious. He finally talked to a doctor about it and the doctor prescribed Cymbalta. After doing some reading online, I am scared for him to start it. It sounds like it has some harsh side effects, harsh withdrawals if he comes off of it, hard on the liver (we like to cocktail), and does not seem like a good starter med. I really want him to be on something, but I am worried this is not the best med choice. We attempted to call the doctor to discuss, suggested lexapro or Zoloft, but the receptionist told us that the doctor does not like to be told what to prescribe. It was uncomfortable. Any professional advice would be great. My boyfriend, a car accident, Cymbalta",Depression +22109,"I felt motivated today and decided to write this; My therapist told me a while ago that one seemingly small, useless step, is still a full step! And I thought this was actually really comforting advice. So let me explain:We often compare ourselves to others. Other people who might be very active, have intense social life, big dreams or the perfect job. They might live healthy and have energy to exercise and it seems like they have everything under control every single day. To someone with depression, this seems impossible to 'compete' with. For someone with depression, something as simple as getting out of bed and washing yourself, may seem exhausting. Social interactions on a bad day? No thank you, do not have the energy. **So try to look at situations this way; One small step is still a full step.** Making your bed instead of doing chores all day, is still one made bed! Eating one meal instead of starving yourself, is still a full meal!Brushing your teeth when you do not feel like taking care of yourself, is still an important part of personal hygiene!! Having one productive/good day in a bad week, is still a full productive day! On a bad day, make a list of your accomplishments. And do not think ""I only did one thing."" Think ""Yes I did this whole thing!!"" or ""You know what... atleast I did xxx."" Be kind to yourself, because depression is a bitch who already makes your life hard enough. do not compare yourself to others, only compare them to yourself if you had not taken that step today! I hope this might give you a tiny bit of power to make that step. I hope I did not break any of the subreddit rules, please let me know if I did. [motivation] One small step!",Depression +22110,"I was a fat kid and my friends teased me for it back in school so I started aggressively working out and became a bulimic, and now here I am at 26 fat again and a rotting mouth. I will never be able to smile again, my teeth will always hurt, my breathe will always reek, and I will always be in and out of dental offices as they take all my money. I have already lost over 3k dollars to this shit. it is the one thing I cannot ever get back and it is ruined me completely My biggest regret is ruining my teeth",Depression +22111,"I\`ve always struggled to make sense of job nonsense, but i usually was able to withstand bullsh\*t at the job, not anymore. i feel like the lack of motivation and just fatigue overall drained me to a point where i can no longer work. the past 2 years have been hell on earth, job hopping all over. i got 2 kids and a wife. when covid started i struggled to make ends meet due to jobs so we got evicted, now, a year later my ""symptons"" have gotten worse, medication does not work. I have been taking adderall to help with adhd and motivation but that\`s not helping either, i\`m 2 months behind rent now and landlord is sending ""threats"" of eviction such as ""i suggest you pay me this weekend"". I have applied for state assistance and the local city assistance, but they just keep asking for more documents and the help never comes. they even sent an e-mail saying my proof of income was invalid (it was actually my wife\`s proof of income), because i really do not have any to show for... (well, the main reason I am behind on rent is precisely because of lack of income, so that is the reason I am asking for assistance, its kind of a paradox) so here i stand, planning my suicide in agony, 26 years have gone in my life and there has never been stability anytime. 26 years of pure suffering. Called the suicide hotline for the first time today, and all they could offer was ""try going for a walk or listening to music"". Unable to work? Am i depressed or really just a lazy POS?",Depression +22112,"My depression feels like something that lives with me, in the corner of my room, sometimes it is just there, quiet, silent, watching me, wondering. Sometimes it attacks me without warning, without advance, it just destroys me and tears me apart in every possible way. I have been fighiting this for over 5 years, yet, seems like I always find myself in the same place, in the same room with this.., monster.. facing me. I have hated myself, pitted myself, felt numb, paralyzed, hopeless, screaming in an empty place, all possible things. Yet, I am always in the same place, in this same room with this monster watching me. Till when I will put in my mind that; ""I am okay"", ""oh it is fine it is gone"", ""I am already smiling, it is fine"" and then finding myself in the next moment, day, time, second, breathe.. with this monster crawling and looking for me again? &#x200B;Sometimes I feel like I am becoming the monster myself. thoughts",Depression +22113,"I do not know what to do in my life, while none cares about me or ask about me i decided to talk as it is the only place i still can talk in A year ago i started felling empty, angry all the time ,lost my interests and everything became boring and fake for me , i tried to tell everyone i know about this i did not want to feel that way but they all ignored me and acted like they do not see me, i became another person ""insecure,depressed,sad...) and none ever tried to ask about my day and they bullied me for that, instead of helping I started self harming myself, tried to end my life so many times... lately i became so aggressive and mad about everything even the simple thingsAnd yesterday i had a severe mental breakdown and my mom saw my teary eyes but did not even askI really cannot fight anymore I am so tired and lost and i really do not know what to do with my life except ending itBut my religion cannot let me do itIn the end sorry for talking too much but i have nowhere else to do so I cannot keep up anymore",Suicidal +22114,"I am dreading my birthday. it will be a day of people are celebrating me but it does not feel rightive always had my own issues stemming from my childhood that i never really tried to fix and they often come up and ruin things for me. but the last year or so has been the hardest for me. i started my first year of university in the midst of a global pandemic. I struggled hard and could not find it in me to attend those online classes. i ended up doing very bad which is hard for me to accept because all my life i was an A+ student. during the pandemic my best friend/boyfriend dumped me, got back with me after 6 months and then dumped me again a week ago. the last break up i was sad but now i realized he was probably the only thing that made me forget how miserable and bleak my life is. a month ago, all my friends that I have been with since high school completely dropped me. it was very sudden and i have not heard from them since. i reached out to an old friend and we met up but he just tried to get in my pants after i told him I have been struggling. i did hook up with him though because I am weak and i like to please people. i have nothing. people tell me the future is bright and time will heal but I am so afraid of the future. I am afraid of the hurt i will experience in the future, I am afraid that things will not get better. I am afraid of the uncertainty of my future. its one thing after the other. why am i being challenged? I am not sure what i want from posting this maybe just someone to listen I am turning 19 in a month but life has felt too long. I am tired of it.",Suicidal +22115,I do not care what happens I do not care about my future anymore,Depression +22116,"i do not need advice, it will not help. my life has been horrible since i was a young my father died and my mother was abusive my entire life growing up, i just want to die without feeling pain, as I am very afraid of pain from my past of being abused, will someone please tell me how to kill myself without feeling pain for long, i just want to rest please. i have no friends i spend my entire days watching tv shows and playing games to try and detach myself from the real world, anytime i stop doing that all i can think of is how much i hate myself and living, everything is lonely and it hurts. someone please just tell me how to leave I am tired of everyone telling me to stay and that things get better when all they have done is get progressively worse the past 16 years i wish i knew a painless way to kill myself",Depression +22117,The only thing that keeps me going is I get horny sometimes and like to masturbate and have sex. Everything else just makes me tired. I have no motivation. I am just tired I am tired,Suicidal +22118,"I hate everything about this day. Why should I even celebrate the day I was put here? The fake wishes, the stupidly cringe posts on Instagram, the fake but well written messages of ""love"". It makes me believe that people care about me. it is all false. it is humiliating. I want my birthday to also be my death day. Poetically, it just started raining. I hate it here and I hate every day I have to spend on Earth. It is my birthday.",Suicidal +22119,"My medication got doubled a few weeks ago and it really helped lift my mood, but now today I seem to have hit bottom again. The urge to self harm and wishing to be dead have come back strong as ever. Plus I keep thinking about my ex I split up with years ago and I miss his company, not him but the closeness we had, he was the only person to ever know the full me & there is been no one since. Not sure what is suddenly driven it back this bad but I feel like writing it hear might help a bit as I do not have anyone I can talk to. Sure I have friends but I do not want to be a burden on them as most of them have their own problems or the other ones do not understand/ understanding enough. I guess I am more venting than anything but I am so frustrated that after doing better for a while I have plummeted and there is no reason for it. Anyone else ever get that? Feel so depressed today after weeks of feeling better.",Depression +22120,I feel like a financial burden on my mom having to ask for her support because I cannot afford to pay my rent even though I work five days a week. I cannot go out and do anything enjoyable because I simply cannot afford it. When school starts Ill have to work less and have even less money. I have to wait four more months to get off this soul leeching lease I should have never signed. Have barely any friends. Feel like no one would even care if I just died right now. I feel like a burden and my life just simply sucks,Depression +22121,okay I have decided not to kms but instead starve myself out of spite :) a change of heart?,Suicidal +22122,Should I just do it? My mom just told me she would not tell me not to kill myself because life does not get better and she wishes she did it herself,Suicidal +22123,I feel sick to my stomach. I cannot talk at all and I barely have energy to move. If I look at anything for longer than 2 seconds it starts to warp or move. My depth perception is off and I am shaking. My brain is slow and my body is slower. I cannot really feel very many emotions its all just a blur. This has happened before but I do not know what it is and i need to get out of it Pls help idk what to do,Depression +22124,"I am also severely mentally ill. You could tell just based off of my reddit post history. I do not know what I want to do with life, nor do I understand how to find what I should do with my life. I do not want to just live for money and hedonism and survival. So I am going to kill myself within a week or so.",Suicidal +22125,"""Death solves all problems. No man, no problem."" Stalin was right",Depression +22126,Is it time for me to just do it? My mom just told me she would not stop me from killing myself because life does not get better and she wish she killed herself a long time ago,Suicidal +22127,"I am not usually the one commenting or writing in forums however, with our current crisis following this COVID-19 pandemic do not feel like its worth going on. Let me elaborate. I do not see myself as an awaken person. I do not prefer that description nor am I suicidal, but death does not frighten me the same way it did when I was younger. In our current day and age were there is so much going on. I find it difficult to motivate myself to get anything done, after all what do it matter? - most people do not care about the bigger picture and who am I to change the world.We have major global conspiracies right in front us ie. the deaths of Jeffrey Epstein and maybe John McAfee. The censorship of so many people following this pandemic. The list goes on.Our governments all across the world seem more useless than ever, printing money recklessly believing it will not have consequences. Most of the western societies are taxing the hell out of us, where I live (Denmark) we pay at least 39% in income tax (some people pay upwards of 60%) and on top of that there is 25% VAT on everything we buy. Then there is product specific taxes on cars, tobacco, liquor. everything is taxed - where does all this money go? People tell me i should not care about what its happening across the world, but I cannot be careless because I believe that is why we are moving into a dark future. - and I am tired of the corrupt embassy people, the big monopolies and ridiculous laws that is infringing our freedom.I am not a man that is tied to any possessions. I do not have any ambition to become rich or famous, I do not want a fancy car nor fancy house, I do not dress fancy - but I believe its our duty to ensure every person gets a chance in life and as we see, so many people live in poverty and homelessness and hunger even in our great state of the EU.why should I continue to work the rest of my life to pay for these people that is stealing our future and ruining our planet.If you got any questions I would love to engage a discussion. Our different opinions are worth to be listened to. What is going on?",Suicidal +22128,"Right at this moment, I am just sitting in front of an open window ... I live on the sixteenth floor. My legs are hanging out the window. Just a couple of minutes ago, I cut myself with a blade. I honestly do not know why I am writing this here, but I just want to ... Every fucking day that I sit in front of the window like this, I cannot stop thinking about how easy it is for me to die right now. But every time I am stopped by the fact that I still have one friend who can be upset by my death ...Just a week ago, it was okay for me to cut myself. But now it has already become a routine.I am sad, so I have to cut... I have already lost all confidence in the future. I have lost faith in myself. I have lost confidence in people. I stopped making long plans ...I just do not know what to do anymore ... sixteenth floor",Suicidal +22129,I do not know why I am always depressed and anxious. I want to feel normal for once. I just want to feel better again,Suicidal +22130,this life is intolerable....I just want to drop hang to finally end it I have no reason or desire to live,Suicidal +22131,"my usual coping mechanisms are not working and i want nothing else then to die and have my blood pool out on the floor. i cannot die because my friends will be sad, but what the fuck do i do?? time has moved incredibly fast today, its been a blur, but the rest of my life has been so slow and stagnant. what do i do? I am so tired of fighting. what do i do?I am so tired. what do i do? help. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i feel suicidal again",Suicidal +22132,"It feels awful seeing all the people my age having the best times with friends doing stuff meanwhile i live in the middle of nowhere, abusive bigotted alcoholic parents that never teached me any social skills so I am socially awkward, lonely as hell i just want a good friend but i cannot make one, I am gay but i cannot come out it feels like prison, i do not have the strength to keep in touch with people, i do not have motivation to do anything i do not want to work a job i hate capitalism i want to do music because it is become my only escape. I do not have a point in going forward",Depression +22133,that is what you get for opening to someone I guess. Friend told me that if i wanst crying little pussy I would feel better.,Depression +22134,"How do you deal with the brain fog that accompanies depression? The feeling that makes you confused, and exhausted. When you no longer have the energy to do anything productive. How do you deal with the brain fog?",Depression +22135,"I have been depressed for a long time (I am seeing a therapist now, been taking pills since forever), but I feel worse whenever life plays a role, obviously, like having illnesses and being broke as fuck. How do you deal with depression when you have parosmia that took away the pleasure to eat, your toe nails are detaching and your doctor forbade you to walk for a while and you have no money no matter how hard you are trying to promote your work (freelance worker here)? Sometimes it feels like waiting for parosmia to leave or to be able to walk again is way too much. I feel like the joys of my life are too little or depend too much in one person. Depression, but you feel it is mostly bad luck",Depression +22136,and i hate it. i could be so happy for once and just to have it ruined over something so minuscule. it ruins my motivation to live. feeling suicidal over the smallest things,Suicidal +22137,"I am feeling so unhappy, I really want to just swallow whatever meds I find and hope it ends it all. feeling so suicidal tonight",Suicidal +22138,I want to be cuddled and loved or I cannot do this. I am 26 and have anxiety. Talking to people can be hard for me. I just want to find someone close to me in Washington who will actually cuddle with me. Because I need this. I want to meet someone who is nice enough to be there for me. I am really broken and lonely,Suicidal +22139,there is people out there that can actually be happy and achieve a fulfilling life. I feel sad every day. I feel like a nobody. I cannot enjoy anything. I do not have any healthy coping skills. I have no passion and no purpose in this life. I have felt this way since I was probably 12. I am 22 now. I am afraid to fail and I worked hard to try and make my family proud. I make good money for a kid my age. But I am not happy. I never will be. I succeeded fast in my job. But now its gotten so stressful and overwhelming that my life is spiraling out of control. I cannot quit because I would let everyone down. I would be a failure. But I already feel that way. I have no confidence. I am self conscious. And I feel anxious all the time. I am really not sure how much more I am going to let myself take this. I have nowhere to turn. I do not understand how people can do it,Depression +22140,"I know they have to report if you have a plan or thoughts about suicide, but I just want to be honest and talk about them with someone who can help me. Yes suicide is awful, but I want to talk to someone who can help me process the thoughts and find some kind of solution for these thoughts. But instead I do not open up all the way because I am afraid they will lock me up for a week,away from my baby boy,and charge me hundreds of dollars out the ass. I already went to the ER for a anxiety attack mental breakdown last month,and they treated me like I was a fucking inmate. They gave no shits and made it be known that they did not care. When ever I tried to say thank you to a nurse or talk to one of them,they would roll their eyes and ignore me. Just completely ignore anything I said or acknowledge me. So I do not want to go back to that place ever again,but I want to scream from the roof tops about how I want to jump from the same roof top,but fear having to be put away,because of these thoughts that they say are"" normal"",but when I express these thoughts,some how they become not normal. I do not get it. I want to sit down,look my therapist in the eyes,and tell them I want to jump in traffic, without them reporting me and having me involuntarily hospitalized.",Suicidal +22141,I feel very depressed tonight I do not know what to do to lighten things. I feel suicidal too. I do not know what to do. I am feeling really low tonight.,Depression +22142,"S-so I-I ch-chickened o-out o-on k-killing m-myself a-and a-almost k-killed m-myself l-last n-night b-but m-my p-partner s-stopped m-me. Th-they w-were not o-on wh-when th-they you-usually w-were t-today a-and I-I w-was w-worried s-sick. I-I w-watched Th-Thomas S-Sanders v-vines a-and a-ate D-Doritos t-to t-try t-to c-calm d-down. I-it h-helped b-but th-then I-I a-accidentally a-ate t-too m-many a-and g-got a-a s-stomach a-ache s-so you-used th-the b-bathroom f-for a-a wh-while. Wh-when I-I c-came b-back, m-my p-partner m-messaged m-me th-their p-power w-went o-out a-and th-they will c-come b-back a-as s-soon a-as th-they c-can. Th-they a-also s-said i-it m-might t-take d-days f-for th-the p-power t-to c-come b-back. Th-they m-might g-get a-a g-generator s-so th-there is a-a ch-chance th-they m-might c-come b-back s-soon. Th-they w-were o-offline wh-when I-I c-came b-back a-and s-still a-are a-and I-I f-feel s-so b-bad a-and l-like i-its m-my f-fault I-I m-missed th-them a-and I-I f-feel l-like I-I am th-the w-worst b-boyfriend e-ever. I-I h-have s-severe s-separation a-anxiety a-and a-am e-extremely s-suicidal s-so I-I am s-sobbing m-my e-eyes o-out r-right n-now a-and f-fighting t-to n-not k-kill m-myself b-because I-I d-do not w-want t-to d-do th-that t-to th-them. I-I h-have s-some f-friends w-who s-said th-they are g-going to t-try t-to k-keep m-me c-company b-but th-they t-tend t-to o-off a-a l-lot o-or s-sometimes s-so I-I j-just c-came h-here f-for e-extra s-support I-I g-guess. I-I am s-sorry i-if th-this i-is not th-the r-right p-place t-to p-post th-this I-I j-just r-really w-want s-some h-help o-or e-even j-just s-someone t-to t-talk t-to r-right n-now. Th-thanks I-I am s-sorry i-if th-this i-is th-the w-wrong p-place b-but I-I am d-desperate (This post includes: Separation, Self Hatred, and Suicidal Thoughts and Attempts Mentions, also of Romance.)",Depression +22143,I have heard that a deficiency in Magnesium can because anxiety and I was wondering if there was an equivalent of that for depression Are there any vitamin/mineral deficiencies that have to do with depression?,Depression +22144,"I have some pretty bad brain fog. here is some symptoms I have:Always feeling extremely stupid, confusing (two) things all the time (e.g. words), having trouble to articulate and form sentences, very bad logical thinking, wetting the bed almost each night, trouble to learn and concentrate, feeling tired, forgetfulness (e.g. remembering something I did not too long ago), slow processing and oh boy this list goes on.I am so worried about work life because of this.Can anyone relate and have experience with this? I just wanted to know if this lasts forever or if the symptom goes away? Its because is definitely my depression. This brain fog",Depression +22145,"I do not feel like getting a job, education. I messed up every relationship I had so everyone is gone. I barely sleep and I got used to eating so little, I feel like puking quite a lot but kind of accepted it. I barely leave my room spending all day on front of computer or my phone. I talk to therapists but they give up on me because I am not willing to make any change. I take these meds I do not even know if they help anymore. They want to put me in a hospital to try harder meds. I feel like I am a vegetable, there is no live left in me, everyday is boring, numb and the same. I am disgusted in myself but slowly become to accept the fact that I was never meant to have life in the first place. At this point I am just hoping to find the strenght to end myself because I am too weak and lazy to do that as well. I feel like I have already gave up and now I am just a vegetable",Depression +22146,"I am 22, in the UK and my depression just keeps getting harder to deal with. I work in a supermarket where I feel overworked and underpaid and that no one cares. I used to earn more before they removed my role. what is the point in life when you cannot afford anything that helps me feel less depressed.I look at new jobs a lot but I cannot actually see myself doing any of them. It makes me feel stupid. I did 1.5 years at uni but I dropped out because of my depression and the pressure, I got to a point I coulmdn't even read my work assignments, let alone study or write. I started anti depressants, over 2 years ago. I do not think they help anymore, or never did. I also have anxiety, especially with talking to doctors.I smoke weed daily because it helps numb it all. When I do not have any my depression gets worse, like right now.I am currently at work and I finish at midnight but all I can think of is being back at home, on the sofa with vaguely interesting content on the TV. it is about the only thing I actually want to do. Everything else I do, I do because I do not have a choice, I have to earn money to be able to have a sofa, TV, computer and the flat.I think I have had depression a lot longer than I initially realised.I do not know what I am doing or where I am going, I am just doing the same thing every day.This just scratches the surface of how I feel. How do I get my motivation back How I feel",Depression +22147,Hi guys! Maybe anime will help you today so I am encouraging you to watch with me :)))) going to try to forget all about my sadness and watch anime right now :)),Depression +22148,"my mom treats me like shit i literally left the table and went to go cry and hide in the bathroom so i can have some peace in my life for once the gym feels more like a home then this house, every single time she cooks for me she will bring it up later and complain and use it against me and i do not even want her to cook for me anymore i do not even want to be fucking alive i feel like a fucking burden to everybody maybe I am the problem",Suicidal +22149,"Hello. I am 19 years old male, i have suicidal thoughts and I am sad most of the time and i do not know why. My life looks really good on the outside. I have loving and supportive family, I am not struggling financially and my grades at school are decent (could be better tbh). I am very scared about adult life and future in general. I am scared that i will not make it to good university (in september i will start my last year at highschool). I am scared that i will be stuck at minimal wage job with no perpectives and nothing. I do not know what happened to me. Like WHAT THE FUCK WHEN DID I TURN 19? WHY IS TIME FLYING SO FAST? I do not know i cannot appreciate the things that i have in life. There are people that are blind or have cancer or some shit and they are happy. They are excited for next day. I do not know how they do it. Why am i so ungratefull for the things that i have? I am such shit person. I do not deserve the things that i have in life. I said to myself that if i do not make it to good uni i will kms. I know how to do it and where but to be honest i think I am too weak to do that Haha. Well idk why I am writing this. I just wanted to tell that to someone. I know I am weird and awfull person for not be gratefull for the things that i have. I am sorry. I feel sooo sad most of the time and I am so scared of life I am suicidal and i do not know why.",Suicidal +22150,If you are reading this Never give up...keep fighting If you are depressed,Depression +22151,"I am just going to write. barely any grammar, I am just going to type and see what happens.I am stuck, idk what to do. I am so fucking uncomfortable all the time with my body, I cannot shower with light and it has to be pitch black otherwise I would risk crying. I am 15 and I know I am transgender. i want testosterone. i want surgeries. I am so tired idk what to do. I am not diagnosed but I am pretty sure I have adhd, I cannot concentrate, I cannot remember things. i hate the way I think.i have nothing going fo me, my art is getting trash and I cannot sell it for money. the most Ill be able to do is work at a supermarket. this sounds very edgy, but i feel numb. i do not feel sadness anymore but i do not feel excited anymore either. nothing to look forward to that is coming up recently. no one sees me as a boy. i hate it. my parents r disappointed in me. i know they are. all i do is eat their food, use their electricity and in return i lash out at them for being worried. i cannot kill myself because my best friend said they would do it as well. i have my gcse's next yea I am not ready. I am stressed and i cannot get information into my brain. i always forget it. idk why. I am too much of a pussy to actually do anything anyways. I am just here. i do not bring anything to the world. no one cares that i feel like this. they think its hormones. everything is the same everyday. wake up. eat something. bother parents for money. go to school. go to the same lessons in the same order. go home. eat. sleep. repeat. ashamed to say I am crying now. i do not even want to cry. wtf do i do idek what to write.",Suicidal +22152,I have had depression for several years and within this year I have been involved with a woman that I really love. I think that she is beautiful and I enjoy doing some things with her but my sexual drive has been so low. I feel like I am making her feel awful because I do not stay in the mood for very long and I honestly feel absolutely nothing sometimes. Relationships,Depression +22153,I wish I was aborted or a stillborn or just died because this life is so not worth it when you are defected I am a literally defect,Depression +22154,I am just an average looking female I guess. Not one that looks like I would buy a gun for much reason. Would they sell to me probably or suspect that I am going to kill myself? Will gun stores know if I am buying a gun to kill myself?,Suicidal +22155,"I just feel like if I had been taken for a psych evaluation when I was a kid, Id be able to manage all of my mental illnesses better. I am a danger to others mostly but also myself. I almost feel resentment towards my parents because they saw how I was acting and the things I was doing to other people. It makes me feel bad because I know its not their fault, we could not afford it and our insurance did not cover pediatric mental health. I just wish I had that chance to be a better person who could better handle their mental health. I feel like I could have had a chance to be better.",Depression +22156,"If I could get out of my body I would do it to kill it.I feel trapped here. I will actually exist in this fucking piece of flesh until the day I die. Might as well die now? I hate every single thing about me. Plastic surgery will not save me. I hate my hair. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate my nails. I hate my personality. I hate my everything. I am so tempted to just kill myself since nothing is EVER going to save me. The only way I get saved is by changing and I have tried SO MANY TIMES and I do not ever change. I will always be like this, existing in this body. The only way out is to kill myself. I am so tempted. I have dreams and goals but I do not even want to bother to try anymore. I do not want it if I have to do it in this body. I hate this body I hate this body I hate this body I hate this body I hate this body I hate this body I hate this body I hate myself",Depression +22157,I do not know if it can get better. It has not. I want to end it,Depression +22158,"Hello, my girlfriend (21F) has issues with depression, mild autism, a traumatic childhood, mild adhd, social anxiety, and alcoholism.I am requesting advice on how to be a good/better boyfriend for her, specifically advice related to these issues. I have read some online articles but I would like to hear some personal experiences/thoughts.She is usually high functioning but it sometimes seems like kind of a ""show"", and then she will get into a depressed state. She often wants to hide from me and the world and do some unhealthy escapism (lots of alcohol and drugs).I love her and care about her, but honestly have no idea what to do. Maybe this is a dumb question, but when she asks me to leave her alone... do I just leave her alone? (we live together). it is hard for me to just walk away from her and leave her when she is hurting. Feels like abandonment to me.we have talked about therapy and it is not something she is interested in doing at this time, due to bad experiences with prior therapy. Request - advice for the boyfriend",Depression +22159,Thought it could not get any worse. It could. Life's a bitch and then you get cancer,Suicidal +22160,Domestic abuse. Cptsd. Narcissistic personality traits. ASPD. Psychosis. Need I mix any thing into the bag of why I do not call crisis service/hospital??? Police brutality,Suicidal +22161,I cannot find a job. I am out of money. I am hungry. Idk what to do. there is a lot deeper going on but I am too tired to write it all out. Just venting I guess Kind of do not see another option?,Suicidal +22162,"Yes I am not alone. I KNOW. But why do I still feel so fucking alone? I am a whore. Anything I do ends up hurting other people. Or myself. cannot I just be normal like everyone else? I am tired. I have considered a few methods to commit suicide. But I keep on torturing myself by living on. Carrying on. They tell you they love you, but you just cannot fucking love yourself. No one knows how suicidal I really am. Not my parents. Not my friends. Not my significant other. Not all those random people on the internet I fuck with. Every new day feels emptier than the previous one. And everyday I think about killing myself, and everyday I die bit by bit. I do not want any advice. I just wish someone would listen empathetically and understand. I am going to end it all.",Suicidal +22163,I MIGHT KILL MSELF BECAUSE I am A RETARDED USELESS PIECE OF SHIT dying because I am a retarded useless piece of shit,Suicidal +22164,"If anything is bad going on in ur life, 2e can talk and I will try to make it happy I am happy bit, talk to me",Depression +22165,"I am almost 15 now, just a couple months away. when i was 11, i used to listen to juice wrld all day long and kept telling myself i was depressed cos i thought it was cool. now, I am a kid that is tried to take his life several times with depression and severe case of anxiety. dreams come true short funny story about my life",Depression +22166,I am too scared to tell my therapist or anyone else for that matter how I am really feeling. I am not okay but I do not know how to get the help I need,Depression +22167,"I have not been at peace with myself for months now. I feel like there is a void in my life that nothing can ever fill. I go out with friends for movies and I will be happy for a moment or two and then I am hit with the sudden relaxation that moments like that do not last forever. The things I enjoy doing (video games etc.) are not as fun as used to be now. I am always in search of happiness and it is never enough. Then, what does the universe possibly owe me? I am so bored and unmotivated each day and get out of bed at noon and accomplish nothing productive. The self loathing and hatred never stops too. I feel like an asshole all the time and I compulsively try to take care of others to deny it. Then am I not doing it just to feel better about myself? I am seen as an extrovert but really I am just afraid of being alone. And I cannot really open up to my friends without changing the topic. I feel ashamed whenever I do not feel okay because there are others that have it worse than me and I am very fortunate enough to be where I am now. Therefore I do not think I am depressed or there is anything seriously concerning about me. I have suicidal thoughts here and there and that is about it. I do not feel like I can turn to anyone so please tell me to get my shit together, reddit. I have not been feeling okay.",Depression +22168,I just want to talk to someone I am lonely and upset and stuck in my head you can vent to me and stuff I just need a distraction idk Is anyone available to chat?,Suicidal +22169,"So I have decided to do something pretty reckless, but something that I feel I need to do. I am going to go and stand somewhere high, somewhere that I can throw myself off of and kill myself if I want too. Then I am going to ask myself whether I truly want to live. Because right now I am in limbo everyday what it is I want to do. Do I want to kill myself? Or am I just sick of struggling and if I give it my all maybe it will be worth it. I have a feeling I want to fight, but then everyday I get up I do not do anything. So I think if I said to myself, ""Either from this point forward you fight with everything you have or you might as well jump"" it would help.I have lost everything I fought for, absolutely everything. This is the first time ever I am asking myself honestly, do you want to be alive? Like I fought so hard to make my mum proud, then I met my gf and I did absolutely everything I could to be worthy of her love. We had a miscarriage and from that point onwards my life has been hell. I then lost my mum which killed me, then after being stuck abroad thanks to covid I missed her funeral.. for me to get back and all my possessions are gone. Then my gf leaves me. So genuinely I have no reason to fight, only for a future that is not even a promise. I know who I want to be, but it is whether I have the fight and energy left to make it. Which is why I need to do what I said. Because if I stand on that bridge and ask myself ""Have I got the fight in me left"", if the answer I come back with is ""no"" I will jump. Next Week, I Might Do It",Suicidal +22170,"TLDR; i tend to isolate and push people around when i got depressed. i want to change that behaviour, so i do not because problem anymore. The final straw is when my academic manager in college say to me that she hate the type of student of me. When i get down, i tend to isolate myself. Always hesitant wether i should reach out and bothering people, or just suck it up because i am worthless anyway. This kind of behaviour because me a lot of troubles and enemys. I done this to my seniors, friends, classmate, bestfriend, even family. There is the time that my classmates drive me into corner and ask, what do i want, because clearly i am in deep trouble, and i am dragging them down. But, i do not know anything. I do not know what i truly want. Some help? More time? Encouragement? Motivation? Some space? Or what. This drive them crazy, and at the same time, make me even more crazy than them that i am bothering them for nothing. that is why i am hesitant to ask help, or report, or just to tell someone. And they tend to avoid me as well. To put it simply, They want to help, but i do not know about what because the problem for me, so i cannot say anything. Sometimes, my brain is in fog, other time i complete clueless. So i want to change this behaviour. But i do not know a thing about it. How it happen? Why? What because it? When, limitation, factors around it, anythings. Can someone tell me about it please, i want to change. How to change to not be an asshole?",Depression +22171,"I do not think I have been truly happy in my life even once in its entirety. I have just floated along for over twenty years just a husk of a person. So I have to ask, what exactly is happiness? What is happiness?",Depression +22172,Please help I do not feel ok and I do not know what to do,Suicidal +22173,"Try to reach out to my friend, i said i am so tired of living, i have no one, like if i live, it just for the sake of breathing and surviving everyday, and it is just meaningless.. then the friend said, why are you saying like that? Why are you being like this? That questions just make me feel worse. Random thought",Depression +22174,"Got into a car accident in march and it was my fault and I am dealing with a lot of repercussions from that currently and I have like 0 money to take care of it. My car got totalled in the process and the other person ended up with a dent, and I feel like that is lightweight my entire life. My dad died in 2017 from lung cancer(28 days before my 18th birthday), and he struggled with addiction so we were never close. I lived with my mom until I turned 18 and she also struggled with addiction, which lead to her leaving and not talking to me for 2 years, and she ended up living with me for a year in 2019-2020 and her and her boyfriend moved out to be homeless and now they are living out of a motel. it will be a month since she last contacted me which is fine, I have no desire to talk to her or anyone that does not care about me or how their actions affect other people. Idk, I have been dealing with a lot for a long time now between childhood trauma and adult life being garbage, and I kind of just want to give up I guess. I have no support besides my boyfriend who I am so thankful for, and my friend who I am also so thankful for. I just do not think I was made for this life, and I do not think I ever will be. I know it could be a lot worse too, so I try not to think of my struggles as the end of the world but also its been hard as fuck to just let everything slide past me for so long with this mindset, and I just want some goddamn compassion or some sort of break for all the shit I have had to put up with, and i thought trying to be a good person and doing good things and following my moral code despite growing up around dysfunctional adults would give me some sort of good karma. It has not, but it makes me feel a little better to see other people happy, so there is that. Idk you all thanks for reading my vent post and i hope your lives get easier too. Life is Lame",Depression +22175,"I am 27 years old now, productive and cheerful person, well that is what they are all thinking but everytime I am alone (which is most of the time now), I always think of what is the point of waking up? My family depends on me, financially. Is this what I am supposed to be? Do I need to do shit just to prove my worth? I do not know how I will continue my life being this miserable. I do not want to ruin someone is life by sticking with them too much but I also do not know where else to go My life feels like a mess..",Depression +22176,"I love my dad a lot. he is the only person I do not feel anxious or awkward around. Unlike my other family members, he is also able to help me when I am going through an episode. The thing is that society shuns socially anxious and awkward people. People who cannot communicate well with others. At work the other day one of my coworkers fucked up and did some damage to a house we were working on. Our boss asked everyone who did it, and the co worker just admitted to it in a joking and also rmpathetically sorry way. My boss just laughed it off. This is a coworker who has good social skills. I have done shit not as bad as what he did with regards to fucking up. If I did what he did, even though they were both accidents, by boss would get mad at me and shout. I have never seen him shout at my co workers. Society shuns socially awkward people. Social workers shun, psychologists and psychiatrists shun, strangers shun, family shuns, preists shun, friends shun, everyone shuns. They do not do it on purpose either. it is just instinct to not interact with someone who makes you feel awkward. But it really hurts nonetheless. I cannot have fun with people or communicate my feelings with people. I am in a hard university program and doing well but I feel like a complete idiot everyone I interact with people. The more socially savvy people can make passive jabs directed at me when they are not happy with my presence or the way I am acting. They blame shit on me all the time because I am an easy target. They do it because I cannot defend myself. Physically I can probably beat up just about anyone, but that is a losing strategy. I just want my dad to find my body so at least one socially savvy person can understand the hurt we go through. Even if that person is the person I love the most. it is fuckedup and I know it. I will never act on it because of my religion, but its what I would do if I was not my religion. I want my dad to find my dead body",Suicidal +22177,"If you know something that will be able to help me and other people, share it with us, no matter how simple it seems to you... How do I overcome depression and anger issues knowing that I am taking antidepressants but I want to help myself besides taking medication???",Depression +22178,Has anyone ever seen it and what did you think Its such a beautiful day,Depression +22179,"cannot stop thinking about offing myself.. My one day off a week. my brother ,girl and roommates will be here ill pretend to be happy, make jokes and smile and go to bed as early as socially exceptable. And the whole while I will be thinking about how I should end it. Never thought I would make it to 18 why am I still pretending like I will get better. Even if it is a good time I will never be worth anything sooo why bother giving me attention or gifts just leave me alone. Even this post is pointless. At least there will be cake. I turn 20 in 12 hrs",Depression +22180,"Well I have been holding this back for awhile now, but I am overtired and broken.i know its not her fault, but i hate my mum.she is been through some bullshit, but every weekend (the two days of the week i get to see her) she is an asshole and will not shut up about how meaningless her life is, how much she hates living in this house and being in this family, and how someday we are going to come home and she will have killed herself, and we will find her lifeless corpse at home.it is built up to the point that i will actively avoid her on weekends, getting out of the house, working, and sitting upstairs. she calls this me being lazy and selfish, when really i just want to get away from her. today, she sent me some horrible messages while she was at the shops after i asked her a simple question (that being, can my boyfriend come to dinner with me, a.k.a. the dinner you are not even attending). she said she wished id stop bothering her and how she was sick to shit of people bothering her all the time and how she wished we would all leave her alone. this pisses me off.i get home, and i get an offer from my dad to stay home. despite not wanting to me my narcissistic uncle, i decline, because i do not want to be at home with mum.i only see mum once, confronting her to tell her that I am going to dinner with dad, and i do not want to stay at home with her because she makes me feel uncomfortableshe proceeds to yell about how ungrateful i am, blaming my mood on her saying no to my boyfriend coming over for dinner, and saying some horrible things about him and me.she yells at my dad on the way out, calling him a narcissist and asshole. i can hear this while i am outside in my dad's car with soundproof headphones on.dad gets in the car and proceeds to tell me that mum being like this is all my fault. in the subsequent hours at the dinner, i continually genuinely wish to come home to my mother being dead. all i want is her to be gone, for this to all be over.when i come home to hear her in the theatre watching tv, i am genuinely disappointed she is still alivei go upstairs to my escape area to play some games. unfortunately, my dad has been banished up there by mum to watch sports, so his loud yelling makes me jump every so often but whatever. i make significant progress in the project I am working on, and at 11:30, a time a bit past my curfew (but not a time i would have fallen asleep, usually i lay awake struggling to sleep for a few hours) i decide to go to bed. while i am in the bathroom brushing my teeth and hair etc. my mum shows up and starts yelling at me and my sister to go to bed. i tell her I am already going. she says ""what, so dad had it under control? i doubt it"". i tell her that I am almost 16 and i can put myself to bed when I am tired without being told.she tells me that at least dad apologised for being an asshole, and that some ungrateful little shits (me and my sister) have not. ruby apologises, but i tell her I have done nothing wrong (i have not). when i do not, she goes on about how I am lucky i came home to her alive.(I am tempted to tell her that i genuinely wished she killed herself but i do not, because i know she will scream at me for ages, and i feel bad for thinking that.)i told her that i was leaving her alone, like she told me to do, and then she says ""fine"" and her voice cracks, like she is about to cry, and she leaves. i feel like i should apologise to her and move on, but i know that she will keep being like this everytime i see her until the day she dies, and I am so sick and tired of it. i just want to be in a normal family, and now I am fantasising about my mother killing herself, and i just want it all to go away. i get so upset everytime i wake up.aita?\[Rejected from r/AmItheAsshole for mentions of Suicide\] AITA Style Post - AITA for wanting my mum to go away? [TW: S*icide]",Suicidal +22181,Number one and two: Are my kids. They could not function if I was gone. I am not going to abandon them like my dad did to me. I am not going to make them start from scratch with no support system. Number three: All the people who would have seemed to care if I was gone do not. When I lost my job after 16 years only three people I worked with even bothered to check in on me. This was after I had trained most of the managers there. Number four: Maybe it gets better. I met my person two years ago. The love of my life I think but we are both so damaged. I cannot be with her maybe ever even though I want to. So I hope it gets better later. I only have four reasons left I do not end it,Suicidal +22182,"My mom , my sisters never support me . I want to apply for an audition in k pop companies . I am not sure if id get in but as always its worth a try but sadly no one supports me in that my mom is an indian who is way too religious about everything and my fake sister is always supporting her. my mom says that its all FAKE the KPOP Companies are FAKE they will KILL me . I am like YOU do not EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS . I JUST do not KNOW I AM SO FRUSTRATED. i am done my mom is like YOU ARE GOING TO SOME OTHER COUNTRIES TO DIE AND ALL. Idk this is my dream and i always wanted to do this. YOU MIGHT ASK ME. WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY DENY MY REQUEST OR NOT EVEN ACCEPT ME AT ALL. then the answer is YES I DO ACCEPT MY FATE. i Can do everything on my own but getting a professional photo / helping with video editing and all requires money and as i still live in my moms roof i cannot pay. and also i cannot get a job so yeah no one is helping so yes i am planning to end my life because i do not want to live like other people have scripted my life. noone is here to support me . so i am done. bye. i am just planning to die i am not fixating on a time I am planning to end my life soon. because i am / was never supported anywhere",Suicidal +22183,"..but all I can think of is how should I kill myself than live this life I wish to feel excited again, to probably look forward to something? To fall in love again..",Depression +22184,I keep thinking of when it will happen and it makes me happy I will drive my car of a cliff tomorrow,Suicidal +22185,"So a little back story first. When I was 6 my parents got divorced and a year later my dad got remarried. For the next 5 years the woman he married constantly told me I was not good enough, I was a disappointment, and that my family would be better off and happier without me. Eventually he ended up leaving her but every night I can hear her voice repeating those things to me. Shortly after they got divorced and a couple months later I tried to kill myself. I was put on antidepressants and have been on around a dozen different medications since because none seem to work. Middle school ended up being ok for me. I was comfortable being on my own and not having any friends. However, that changed when I got into highschool and on paper high school was good to me. I had a decent number of friends, went to parties, and generally was included in things. But for some reason my depression just kept getting worse and my junior year I almost took my life again. Fast forward to college and things seemed to start off well but then the pandemic hit and the friends I made at college all just forgot about me. Once we went back things seemed to get better but I was still very unhappy and was upset that my friends did not include in the things they used to. When I asked why one of them said it was because I always seemed sad and that I should try to be happier. So that is what I did. No matter how horrible I felt I always put on a mask and tried to be happy whenever I was around people. People even commented on how I seemed happier but it did not fix anything. I was just slowly pushed out of everything. I ended up finding out all my roommates made housing arrangements next year and I was not included and no one even asked what I was planning on doing. So by the time the semester ended and I came home I was in a really dark place. I ended up getting a job and started working out again and my mom is very happy to see that I am doing better but honestly I feel even worse then before. All I can think about is going someplace nice and hanging myself from a tree but I do not want to hurt her because she is the only person that has treated me like I matter in this world. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +22186,"Mentally and physically. Honestly I am so tired. I went to the dentist to have my tooth extracted, then found out that a lot of my teeth are in trouble. I have spent a lot of money already, and were still not done. I have not gotten my period for 3 months now, so I am going to need to see a gynecologist. I am going to start therapy soon, and I am worried that its going to cost a lot of money. Sometimes I feel proud that I am taking care of myself, but when I think about the expenses aaaahhh never mind. I have a lot of defects",Depression +22187,"Yesterday I told my friend how I felt. I have been spending so much time online with this friend, and last night they told me I could tell them anything.I told them that if they did not want to deal with me, they could opt out there and then, and I would be okay with that.Every other time I tell someone they either go really quiet or get really worried.I think I have ruined another friendship.i think I am going to do it tonight. I think I am going to kill myself tonight.",Suicidal +22188,"i have not felt suicidal in a while. i relapsed last month and started cutting again as well as starving myself. its been so hard going past every mirror and having to stop and point out everything wrong with myself. constantly taking pictures of my body at different angles and learning to hate it all even more. i tried to go a 2 days without cutting, i failed. I am just so fucking tired of my life and always feeling numb. i feel so detached from myself, it has become hard for me to do regular tasks. i feel like I am watching a movie and have no control over my body or anything i do. everything would be easier if i was dead. i think about the time before i went to the hospital, why did not i try again while i had the chance? there was a blade right there and i did not fucking use it. I am so dumb.&#x200B;thank you for listening to my rant. I am ok, really. its been a while - tw sh + ed mention",Suicidal +22189,July 14th is my day for very calculated reasons. I need it to be successful this time. I believe I have a near foolproof plan. No plan is ever 100%. No other details. Not negotiable. Just had to put it out there in the universe. July 14th,Suicidal +22190,I know its hard to starve yourself and to actually die from it. But at least I can say it was not an impulsive decision. Long story short I came out of the hospital 3 weeks ago. That was the 4th time I have been in the hospital for trying to overdose and the social worker told my mom I could no longer manage my own meds. My mom has been overbearing all my life and I tried to keep things from her so that I could have a sense of control over my health and life. So this was devastating to me. I attempted to regain control by hiding all the new meds I picked up from the pharmacy and she found them. This was 2 days ago. I made a huge mistake at work and ended up giving a patient nerve damage after I injected a medication in the wrong spot. I can still see her glare full of hatred towards me. I do not belong in health care. I was going to be a doctor or a nurse but I am just going to end up harming or even killing patients from stupid mistakes. My lifes purpose was to help people but I cannot even do my job right. Life just is not worth living if I am going to harm patients. I have been thinking about this all day yesterday at work. I am refusing to take my meds and have just been eating junk food all day long. I have got my Mcat exam in 2 weeks and supposed to be starting dbt skills group in 2 days. But I could care less. I have got nursing school starting in fall. But all I can think about is just watching myself waste away. Its peaceful knowing I do not have to care anymore. Ill just get weaker and eventually pass out or something. And no one will know. I think I am going to starve myself,Suicidal +22191,"If i do not escape this place by next year, I will kms. there is just no other way and I am already reaching my breaking point so I am in desperate to leave I am tired. I hate this pandemic",Suicidal +22192,"Hi everyone, I am very desperate for some sort of relief from all of this. I am diagnosed with bipolar ii and have been living with mental illness since I was a kid. I am currently on a low dose of meds, and I think I am severely depressed. I cannot even get up or eat anything at this point. Three nights ago, I drove my car to an empty field and planned to take some pills but I did not want the people around me to blame themselves for it since they have been looking after me. I know this is a chemical condition in my situation but its messed my life up so much. I have no savings (I am 27), my mother is my rock and has been diagnosed with dementia, and my dad also suffers from bipolar ii. I am an only child and I have a lot on my shoulders right now.Anyway, I just need relief and I cannot see a way out anymore. The more I ride this out, the more I do not want to be here. Can anyone help?",Suicidal +22193,"I just want to stop feeling like a failure at everything. I always fuck up at work, then I go home and always do or say something that upsets my fiance, and I do not have the energy to even cook or really be there for my kids. I am trying so hard to get it right, but nothing ever helps. I just want to be enough or for just one person to see I really am trying. I keep waiting to be happy, but I cannot figure out how. Feeling like a failure",Depression +22194,"Eve though my Ex was toxic, she did not use to be like that, before. Only after she became friends with a fucking asshole of a person. That friend of hers has a long history of destroying relationships, it is not even funny.Still, after a long time since she broke up me and ghosted me (February 18th), I am still feeling like shit, every single day.I just woke up from a dream with her, in which she loved me again. This is just fucking depressing. I am getting dreams with her, every fucking single day.Knowing that I will not find someone like her anymore, just makes me want to kill myself. I know that ""there are many fish in the sea"", but I do not know how true it is, not like her. She had the same personality as me, with so many things in common, that it just breaks my heart. That day, not only did I lose my girlfriend, but I lost my best friend (or at least, one of them).People used to say that we were meant to be together, we were really alike. We had the same lobbies, the same comedy stile, the same fucking everything. THERE WILL NOT BE ANYONE LIKE HER. We loved each other to the maximum. Ever since she left me, I have been so badly hurt, that I cannot cope with the fact that she left me, after months.I have been thinking of suicide, for almost every day. I just cannot keep up with this pain. It is even worse, to go out and see homeless people, I just feel so ungrateful, that I feel even worse. I am so pathetic, that if she asked me to go back with her, I would say yes. The realization that I will never find someone like my ex, just breaks me.",Depression +22195,"I hope this is the right place to post because its kind of a relationship question as well as suicide. But ugh, it just breaks my heart so much to be in this situation. Stupid me thinking the I love yous were a friendly thing of caring for each other at first. I told her I am bi but definitely more on the gay side to give her the hint that we were just friends, which is true btw I am mostly gay. She eventually started hitting on me ALOT more than just a few friendly xs and compliments. She would get angry when I did not respond straight away or left her on delivered because she would be able to see that I am active on Instagram. She would not let me go and study when I needed to because it would make her mad. She called me handsome and if I did not call her beautiful back she would get upset. When we called the other day, she said that hearing my laugh just lit up her day, I was flattered but worried because I felt like she was developing feelings for me. she is been hitting on me for a while, and i know its bad to reciprocate when I do not feel that way, but she would get so pissed if I did not return a compliment or did not send back a emoji, etc. I did not want to be mean. By this stage I obviously knew that I was being manipulated into hitting on her back because I am the stereotypical nice guy. But what makes it really hard is that she is suicidal and uses this to try and guilt me into a relationship. She talks to me a lot about it. I support her as much as I can I tell her I do not want to lose her and that so many people care about her. I have tried to get her to ring lifeline for support, but she refuses, saying she sees a psychologist so its ok. Today she told me that the thought of being in a relationship with me is the only thing keeping her alive, and I was just shattered to hear this because I have kind of got a date, and hes a guy. I do not feel that way about her, and there is just no physical or romantic attraction to her. I do not know how to tell her. I told her that it breaks my heart to hear that nothing else is keeping her alive because I am sure that there is a lot she has to live for and people that care and love her. She was not having it though and kept changing the subject back to something flirty. I am so scared that if I reject her, she will take her life because that is what she said and I just really do not know what to do She said the thought of being with me is the only thing keeping her alive, but I do not like her like that. What do I do?",Suicidal +22196,I hate when people come around my house or call me I just want to be alone. I was having a good day but some one who makes me feel anxious came around and my mum keeps shouting at me for not going to talk to them.i feel really rude as well but i just cannot bring myself to go downstairs. i only want to talk with my school friends and I cannot wait to either kill myself or leave this house. I want to be left alone,Depression +22197,"I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in the summer of 2019. I have been depressed for much longer, I first tried to kill myself in 8th grade by bleeding to death. I did not get very far. My parents, who were abusive, did not care. I left them my senior year. Went to college, dropped out due to depression and suicidal ideation. 2020 I attempted suicide twice, one by overdose another by fire arm. Started animation school. Got my first apartment. I still have Major Depressive Disorder. I am not suicidal ATM but life just does not feel worth living. All I can manage to do is get up, go to work, and sleep. Even eating is difficult. I am tired. Life does not feel like anything anymore",Depression +22198,"I am a 27 year old guy, short, ugly, zero friends, really nothing going for me. I mostly spend almost all my time browsing 4chan or playing video games. I both enjoy the company I get from the people I interact with online and hate it because at the end of the day every person I come in contact with is a meaningless anonymous figure. I feel like I am addicted to spending my time this way because if I did not I would just spend it completely alone. It would be easy to say go out and do something but I have zero friends and live in the middle of nowhere. Even if there was I have a very hard time socializing. I do not have the confidence to post myself on dating sites or anything like that. What is there left to turn to? I feel like the internet is ruining my life but at the same time I have nothing else.",Depression +22199,"Does anyone else only survive as not to hurt anyone? Like I am here because I do not want to give anyone around me grief, but I hate every second of life and wish it could be over. I do not want to live to se ethe future, and everything I do is coated in stress, misery and fear. I am so tired of it all, and I really wish I had a way out I am tired of life, and I just want it to end.",Depression +22200,"I do not even know who I am anymore. All I ever wanted was to be loved but I am unlovable. No woman will ever love me,and even if one did, I would end up ruining it with my tendency to push people away and my mental problems.I really just want this to end. I will never be enough for anyone, not even myself",Suicidal +22201,"today has been probably the worst since the pandemic, tons of problems and everything is not working out for me. I just wanted to be appreciated, I have been holding my tears back while having to hear them tell me I am worthless and cannot do stuff. bruh I have done a ton of stuff, but whenever i take the day off, just one freaking day, they talk shit like i have not done a single thing my whole life. come on. just when i have gained confidence and the passion to the things i used to do. they had to just come and tell me doing it is worthless. I am just tired.. do not worry guys. the thought crossed my mind a couple of times but i do not want to do it. i just want to vent out, seems like i cannot share my problems now because its useless and a burden to people. I will just head to sleep. hopefully tomorrow is a lil bit better than today :> broke down, no longer interested",Depression +22202,I just want to stop fucking living I feel so pathetic,Suicidal +22203,"Estoy a punto de entrar a trabajar y si no tengo una buena semana ser despedida, esta en mi hacerlo o no pero... Me es complicado hacer lo que debo, una parte de mi quiere ser despedida porque de otra forma no me ir de ah, aun cuando todos dicen lo malo que es. Otra parte de mi quiere quedarse porque si soy admitida en la universidad ese horario me quedara perfecto. Odio la incertidumbre de no saber lo que va a pasar. And I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell.",Depression +22204,"hi, I am struggling to find motivation, drive, interest in anything- i cannot even focus long enough to watch anything on tv- the thought of doing hobbies like gaming or walking or drawing physically makes me burst into tears??? idk what to do?I just feel stuck, existing but getting nothing out of life- i cannot do anything other than sit or lay down and just stare at the wall or out the window. I feel so lost struggling to find motivation?",Depression +22205,"I do not know what else to say, it just sucks. I was alone as long as I existed and get reminded of it every second.I could leave right now and no one would notice I am at a birthday party and the only one who arrived alone without a SO",Depression +22206,I am a pitiful being and I just want to kill myself I feel so pathetic,Suicidal +22207,"I do not want to die. But I really do not want to live. But the issues I have been dealing with do not even seem significant enough to hate my life and myself this much. I am so terrified of dying that I do not think I should even consider myself suicidal. But I am in so much emotional pain that I do not understand why I do not just get it over with. Why I do not just fucking hang myself. I had a gun up until a few days ago, but I watched a video of a suicide (in hope it would desensitize me) and it left me scarred at the idea of shooting myself. I had someone get it from me. Someone who I would never have to see or speak to again because i now associate HIM with death. But here I am, wailing. I have been going through so much bullshit but I am suicidal over something so stupid. At least it is stupid to others i mean. I disassociate hard. The person I see in the mirror or in pictures is not who i feel I am. I feel so ugly and unattractive though everyone tells me otherwise. I have had people get mad at me for being insecure when in their eyes, I have no reason to be. I am being ungrateful for my looks. That others are actually ""ugly"" and thus, I am being an asshole for hating myself the way i do. I feel so unwanted. So disgusting. An untouchable. I massively aware of my appearance when around others. I control my smile, the amount of squint of my eyes, how i angle my face, how I furrow my brows. there is not a second I relax from it. Yesterday, a friend and I did a photoshoot. Out of 60 pictures taken of me, only 3 looked DECENT. I was look down in one of them too. They are not any I would brag about or feel confident about. Just 3 that I did not want to delete forever... I looked so hideous. So awkward. So gross. I spent so much effort trying to make sure I looked good and every bit of insecurity was still showing. So all this time I spent trying to look good when around others, they still see what I do not want them to see. No wonder people do not take off guard pictures of me. Basically all my worry and hatred towards myself is true. I do not want to feel right now. I do not want think right now. AND THE WORST PART?! I cannot TALK TO ANYONE WHO would not GET FRUSTRATED WITH ME FOR BEING UNGRATEFUL. Imposter syndrome so strong, I do not even think I am worthy of being suicidal..",Suicidal +22208,"My life has never been perfect. I have made mistakes, I have fallen down plenty. Even at the worst of times I found some small shred of strength to continue. I kept my head down and tried my best to be optimistic for the future. After a while it suddenly seemed like things were finally looking up. I found a job in the heart of the city and I sound someone who I loved and who I thought loved me as well. Life was great for a bit. I finally began to believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. After years of crawling through a tunnel of shit, I found the light.Then it all had to come apart. Turns out this whole time, unknown to me, I was mentally ill and it was progressively getting worse. And this was a big factor in me losing everything I worked for. Now I am alone and society (along with everyone who I previously considered close) just sees me as crazy. My life as I knew it is over, and to be perfectly honest I am not at all excited for this new chapter of mental illness. There are so many limitations on my life now that I do not even see the fucking point anymore. I always valued my independence, but now I am at the mercy of doctors, therapists and medication. My family and friends see me as a loser. This is the light that I so desperately crawled towards all that time? This is what was waiting for me this whole time?? Had I known, I would have just quit there and then.I am just tired. I do not have the energy (or the brain apparently) to start over anymore. I used it all up crawling through that tunnel of shit. I miss the naive optimism I had even on the worst of days. But I am done. Absolutely done. The old me is dead anyways. The one that had his independence and could feel like a functional member of society. that is the me I wanted to live as. If he is as good as dead already, what the fuck am I sticking around for?I hate mental illness and I really feel for all my fellow brothers and sister going through it. Its a fate that even the most evil and deprived do not deserve. But I have no more tears left to she would. Not for others or for myself. I am just done. What The Hell is Life?",Suicidal +22209,"moved back to my hometown after living across country for a few years. within a week, mom has already told me that they were fine without me. i feel so frustrated because the one thing that has stopped me from killing myself all this time has always been family. i honestly do not think ill ever be happy and wish some freak accident would happen and i would just disappear. venting",Suicidal +22210,"I do not even know where to begin. I do not think it is possible for me to love myself because I know what I truly am, I feel like such a fraud for letting everyone love me and think of me as this kind and giving person. that is the opposite of what I am. I am self centred and an asshole, the only reason I act nice is because I want something from everyone. I already accepted the fact that I am trash but I cannot forgive myself or try to love myself. I use nice words like ""wanting to escape myself"" ""I want to disappear"" and so on, but really everything will be better off if I just died. How can I love myself?",Depression +22211,"Ill preface this saying I am aware of my own hand in all of this. I have known I was bipolar disorder for most of my life, and getting help never seemed to really help. Between meds and therapy its never seemed like any of its ever made a difference. I have allowed my best and only friend to be tainted by the disgusting person I can be when I lose myself. I have been abusive, I have been a gaslighting piece of shit, I have hurt everyone I have ever claimed to love. This one just seems the most painful of all, and I cannot seem to move past it. Every days been getting harder and darker.I thought picking up my life and moving across country would help. A new place, a new start. But here I have nothing and nobody. I am at a loss, and the only person I want to talk to has written me off and is seeing someone new, who is never hurt her like I did. And its killing me. It all seems pointless, what else do I have left? I have lost the love of my life, due to my own disgusting shortcomings. Its become hard to just exist.",Suicidal +22212,"I know this group is meant to be for supporting each other through suicidal episodes, but when you have considered it through and through, and you have made up your mind, and the government will not grant you euthanasia because of politics, would not it be nice to have a group where there is a body of knowledge available on trialed and tested methods to not end up with botched attempts, and maybe someone to have a kind word for you in you last hours? Support",Suicidal +22213,I do not know how to deal with feeling and and how to cope with this. I get these sudden pangs of sadness out of nowhere and I really feel alone In thiw world,Depression +22214,"I do not know if anyone else feels this way but I thought I might share.I am an incel with literally no friends, no money, I have never had a job and I have crippling anxiety. I am convinced its almost impossible to make new friends if you do not already have any, its not as simple as just meeting new people. If you do not have other friends already people sniff it out from a mile away and then keep their distance. And the same goes for relationships.I am far to anxious to get through a job interview, I know if I try Ill just have a panic attack and make a fool of myself.The strange part is that at this point, I am not even sure if I could consider myself depressed, its just that I hate myself constantly.Despite what poor shape my life is in, I know I am defiantly capable of turning it around. What I mean is, I know its not statistically impossible for people like us to sort ourselves out, even if the odds are harshly stacked against us. Incel, no friends, no money, no purpose.",Suicidal +22215,"It all started when I was 11. I was severely bullied in middle school before anti-online bullying PSAs were a thing. My mom said there are bullies everywhere and to just deal with it. Great advice there. What the fuck does that mean? My dad was more than happy to pull me out and let me be homeschooling, but mom said no so I had to stay miserable at school. By age 12 I just wanted to die and told the bullies in an AOL chatroom to which they just laughed at me and edged me to do it.Luckily, I never did do it. My father passed away and I was forced to live with my narcissistic mother. I did not know how to escape. I would dream about getting married and living somewhere else far away and never speaking to her again. I thought that was the answer to my problems. I mean, I was fired from a retail job because I could not clean the glass case properly and my mom had had enough of me being a failure with a useless Bachelor's Degree in Art. She says 14 year olds can last longer at McDonald's than me.By age 28 I was married to the love of my life and moved 3,500 miles away from where I grew up. I went no contact with my mom. I scored my dream job after being unemployed in a new country for 3 years, but now it is starting to catch up to me. I am 32 and becoming so stressed at work. I do not know how to cope. I just want to cry sometimes. I have read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and all kinds of self-help books, but they do not do anything for me.My neighbour bullies me just like the girls from middle school. I do not even know their name or why they do not like me. I am too afraid to leave my apartment because of it. The landlord does not care, the letting agent does not want to do anything, and the police have reported it and can only suggest we move.Finding a new place to live has been stressful. We have about 35,000 for a down-payment on a house and nobody wants to give us a mortgage. We make too much money for social housing. Right now my travel into work is dreadfully long. I do not drive so I have to take 3 buses.I am also infertile which was really hard for me to come to terms with. I also do not have any friends so if my husband were to leave me I would probably become homeless. I do not make enough to rent on my own.I just cannot deal with it. I remember asking my dad when he was alive how he dealt with stress and he said he did not know because he did not have any. Even my siblings say they are not stressed and think I am making it up for attention. My coworkers are not stressed or at least will not admit it. My boss just laughs in my face and thinks I am joking. I have tried looking for new jobs, but I have had 450+ rejections.I just want to be carefree and happy. I do not know where to go. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am better off dead in a ditch. I cannot deal with the stress of life.",Suicidal +22216,"Makes me feel real good. And people wonder why we are killing ourselves Love seeing 8 ""men are trash just for existing lol"" posts in a row on twitter while I am depressed",Depression +22217,"I have been up since 6, waking up early is supposed to help depressive disorders so I have been going to bed early consistently, plus the mirt just makes me pass out so I just take it early. I managed to trick myself into exercising again despite finally feeling low pain but instead of enjoying that comfort I just told myself I have to maintain this work I have been doing with my physical therapist if I want to make that comfort last. Now I have zero energy despite drinking 3 coffees and I hurt again, it is not excruciating yet but it will be in another few hours I guess. I got by just taking tylenol yesterday and using lidocaine patches so I really am improving. &#x200B;I cannot believe I have gotten so many things done recently, but I am overwhelmed by how much more I need to get done in order to truly be happy. After my talk with my therapist yesterday I felt happy, she told me I was taking a very active part in my treatment, I said I am devoted to improving my poor mental health and it made me smile feeling that validation that I am not just going through the motions like I have always done throughout my life. I really had a wake up call being in the hospital that last time if I can just stay on this track I might actually get somewhere in life if I do not fuck up or get unlucky like always seems to happen when I get on track. My therapist asked me how it felt feeling better than I was and I said I just question it, I question if it is going to last. She told me that is just my anxiety talking, she expected that answer, I feel lucky that I connected with such a great therapist this time. Yeah, I am crying right now but I have been smiling more than I ever have, I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, the conventional treatments. Why does it have to hurt so badly? My stomach is in a knot",Depression +22218,Is to destroy the memory box Only way to get rid of the memories,Suicidal +22219,because if i do not and quickly my dog will be beat up in the house here i currently live by the people here. I need to find a fucking job,Suicidal +22220,"I have tried everything. I have been depressed for so long. This time I have tried to reach out to family and friends, but I delete it every time. I know I need help. My boyfriend said he does not know how to help. I feel more alone than ever and I am scared. I honestly want to die so badly, but failed suicide attempts and my cats force me to survive. I feel like I am selfishly fulfilling the wishes of others by living and I do not want to even be here. I am so tired of feeling so out of place that every word I say is going to be made fun of later. I do not know who my true friends are. I had one friend tell another that I overthink wat worse than anyone. She has stopped listening for that reason. I no longer vent to her about my life. I do not talk to my family much. I feel so alone and it is been this way for over 30 years. Does it ever get easier? I do not even know what to say anymore, but I woke up this morning feeling worse than yesterday or the day before and I am tired. How do I ask for help?",Depression +22221,all my friends hate me i am a shitty person and i do not know what to do. i used to love and feel loved but now it just feels like i cannot understand anyone and no one can understand me. i hate myself so much isolated,Suicidal +22222,"Like really, are you going to tell someone who is depressed to ""stop with the siege mentality and move on with life""? Sure, you may be depressed also with the current sh\*t show of how the upper echelons are handling this pandemic and the never-ending lockdown that takes a toll on people's mental health, but telling others with your hard love will not help anybody.Plus, stop telling me to seek professional help. Your intention may be helpful, but I am done with the ""so-called"" mental health professionals or therapists who were being unempathetic. I hate spending my hard-earned cash on seeking professional help, only to get my mental health worse (been caught by this once), and being in a country where religion is omnipresent, are you going to see a professional advising you on religious stuff instead of supposedly helping you personally? I have been super duper wary with seeing another professional after my first experience seeing an unempathetic one ever since.Also, if you are in the good, you do not need to brag that what you did was working for you. Sure, yeah, good for you that it works, but stop expecting others to be on the same page as you too, no matter how good the intention is. Again, be empathetic. If that person does not want to do what you did, just do not force him or her further with your intentions, can you?By the very least, can people be more empathetic? everyone is dealing hard with the current situation right now, but if you are in the good (or even not so good), you do not need to be an a\*\*. Being empathetic really means a lot for many, including myself. Even a simple video call that cheers up each other would mean a lot, I have to admit.I am sorry if my words are all over the place. My mental health is not in a good mode, but if anyone's struggling, let us support each other... The lack of empathy by many people in my country is just astonishing",Depression +22223,I am in therapy. I am medicated. I have lost 38 lbs. Yet I am still tired. I still wonder what the purpose of all this is. What is even the point of existing. I have toyed with suicidal thoughts for years. I am open and honest with my doctor's about it and they help me through bad episodes. And from what people say I am way better than I was 2 years ago. I just do not get why I am still so tired. I am just so tired.,Depression +22224,I think today is the day. Perhaps the end,Suicidal +22225,I do not mean to sound insensitive but why do not I try to change? Why does not anyone else try to change? Is it because we are happy like this? Why does no one try to change on this website?,Suicidal +22226,"there is too much pain inside of me but i cannot let them out, and I feel so helpless. they are like monsters that is consuming me from the inside and I am nothing but an empty she will moving on auto pilot. But if I am on auto pilot then why am I still hurting? I feel like I have been draining forever and i just do not run out. I am so tired. Maybe i want to run out. I am just tired.",Depression +22227,I am a m 36 and there is only one thing I constantly think about. And that is leaving this place. I have had insomnia for longer then I can remember I am the oldest of 5 and all of my younger siblings are married with children. Every tree I see I want to hang from it. Every pillar I see I want to take my seatbelts off and full throttle ram it. Seems like the opposite sex only likes to use me. I was ok with it at first because it was the only affection I ever got. Now I am just done with everything and everyone. I do not think I will make it to 40 do not want to either.,Depression +22228,I am an aging woman. I am hurtling toward being seen as a joke because I am no longer fertile and attractive. This is one of *many* reasons why I hate myself. I could go on and on about the other reasons. Why is suicide frowned upon? I do not want to live anymore. Life is no longer worth living,Suicidal +22229,"I feel like I am one difficult thing away from being in trouble, I am doing all the right things (in therapy etc) but it is scary do not know how safe I am",Suicidal +22230,"I have been experiencing depression for quite some time now. I used to have a group of friends who i can call every week, but things have changed and I have not been in contact with them for half a year now. My remaining 3 friends got tired of me ranting about my life. Whenever I seek advice or help, i feel like I am bothering them. I also used to talk to my bestfriend every single day for 2 years. We had feelings for each other, but we are not together. I am not sure if she is avoiding me because she is currently dating someone and does not want me to get involved. The thing is, i really want to reach out to her, as my bestfriend, and keep talking to her everyday. I miss her ""how are you""s, fast replies, and midnight talks, but I cannot. I feel like I am forcing her. kind of clingy. i might bother her. and she might thought I want to pursue her. I am the hulk and she is my black widow, my comfort and peace.its really hard to wake up, eat, and shower everyday while carrying a heavy heart. i do not know what to do and i cannot take this anymore. Quarantine hits",Depression +22231,I have been trying to tell people about my issues but they just say I am either making them up or just being melodramatic. I am sick of reaching out ; (,Depression +22232,A month ago I tried killing myself twice because of my wife's infidelity. we have been together 20 years married 17 we have a 14-year-old son. She went ahead and got on Ashley Madison and hooked up with a stranger three fucking times at a local hotel which is just devastating me. The mental anguish is unbearable. I have started Lamictal and that has been great and I have never felt better but the infidelity is still on my mind which in turn just makes me want to end my life. Having feelings of suicide again...,Suicidal +22233,"Like the title says, I have no desire to do anything. I did manage to eat something and brush my teeth but it seems pointless to get ready for the day and leave the house just to run a couple of errands. No energy or motivation to do anything on my days off work.",Depression +22234,"I know it is too much of a burden for anyone to be depended on. it is just that, for someone as weak as I am, it is usually not that easy to cope with things like, being thrown off the bus.I have been trying to manage on my own but as a human being, i unconsciously tend to have this feeling of having a safe haven on people, and although I am aware that I should not, even when i deliberately stop things like that from happening, it still does. So when my safe haven is shattered, i shatter along with it. I just never learn. I could say that I am used to this by now but i cannot say it does not hurt any less than it did many times over. That feeling of helplessness when you can no longer count on people that used to be your rock",Depression +22235,"Fuck gender, that stuff sucks. I look like a 6ft tall masculine dude but I am a trans woman. I do not think I will ever look like one. I have support from a friend but he is constantly so sad I do not want to bother them even though he told me he will give me a hug or hes always open for me to vent to them. I think he is also suicidal and I REALLY do not want to loose them. they are so supportive of me but I do not know how I could help them. We were going to go into town today but they do not feel that well. I do not want them to go I really do not I care about them so much. I tried to talk to them but it took me so long to realise they did not want to talk about it and now I feel like shittt. They are not eating anything anymore as a protest to her mum to take care of him and I am worried.I care about him so much I want to cry, gender is so bad I want to cry. I tried to harm myself but I had nothing except a kitchen knife that barely left me mark and nowall I can think of is suicide. Even if there are hardly any ways to make it quick available to me. I do not know what to put here but ...",Suicidal +22236,"Why do they always doubt and never fully understand our state, our views and outlook at life?My brother is visibly it denial after I told him and showed him a paper that clearly states my diagnosis.And that is just a tip of the iceberg. I have not told him about sh-ing, about my scd ideation, about my drowning in alcohol. It feels like he do not want to accept that I am depressed. He just do not know me in that way, and he sees what he thinks I am.It took me a while to gather the courage to tell him what is going on and now I feel like I have to validate myself and my mental state in order for someone to understand me.That Is what is the most tiresome thing about dealing with depression. Constant explanation to the other who cannot comprehend or understand what is going on inside your head and how you deal with yourself.I feel like my depression is so unbelievable for people close to me to accept it, and thus they just put it aside, and that makes me want to close into myself even more. Why are the people in denial?",Depression +22237,"it is getting to this point now where answers are dangled in front of everyone is faces, but nobody cares. They look away, they try to justify not looking. it is not just in social issues (which I know I am not allowed to bring up here). it is also in communities. I made a post in a gaming community recently, and I was trying to figure out ways to go about one of the problems presented in the game, for those unaware, it is Genshin Impact, and the artifacts system. I proposed my solution, which is to craft them. Probably means nothing to many, but might to some. I would accept good rebuttals to it because I am neutral. I got none. In fact, I was the only person to make a good rebuttal, to all points. I provided an alternative to my solution. But the comments I got on prior posts just leave me baffled. it is not the first community to do this. I have been in others. I do not hold a bias towards anything. I just look at what creates the most good and the least/no harm. The more I am reminded of people's stupidity in general life, and not just the internet either, makes me feel more hopeless, on top of having a serious issue that for some reason is not taken seriously. I am into children, fucking kill me. Stupidity makes me want to die",Suicidal +22238,"I have uprooted my life so many times. I have tried new jobs, new towns, big cities, new friends. it is not the situation that is causing the problem. Sometimes I think about things I have said or done, and I just want to quit life. I am a workaholic. I drink too much. Why cannot I just think like a normal person? I spend all my time analyzing tiny moments. I do not have any social intuition. I really am tired of putting so much effort in. People in my life say I am driven and confident, but I feel so much social anxiety. I am only ""driven"" because making lists and focusing on goals staves off the sadness for a little while. I really want to off myself today. Why cannot I ever feel good enough? I want to quit",Suicidal +22239,"Everyday of my life feels the same, living in Russia is horrible and I think that nothing ever is going to change for me. Of course I can try committing suicide and probably die, but there are a few things that are concerning me, like the people who will see my dead body and get traumatized by it and the coverage of my funeral which my parents would have to do if I succeed in killing myself. I wish that I was never born by my stupid parents into this bullshit world. I really cannot live like this anymore.",Suicidal +22240,"[19M] My life is in order in most people's perspective, I live independently, have my own place, do not struggle for money as I have an okay paying job to cover bills and have money saved up at the same time, go to the gym atleast 3-4 times a week and a pretty good diet. I know that my attitude is to blame but I do not know how to change it. I have no interests or hobbies which of course would be a easy answer but I have tried multiple times and just feel no enjoyment of that it is pointless, growing up I was like this also, constantly starting things and never keeping to it, the gyms the only thing I have ever been consistent at.I have read many self help books and feel as if the knowledge I have learnt from them I am just using to make myself feel worse as I get there are solutions out there and I probably know them myself, almost as if it is like an information paralysis. I am pretty good at giving advice and being empathetic towards others but when it is for myself it is impossible, I have had zero success with women my entire life and scrutinize myself for it 24/7, once again its down to my attitude, I am aware of this. Was even beginning to feel slight resentment towards women at one point but soon got a grip of myself and realized I was just projecting my hatred towards myself onto them, I see them as a whole other, and that I am utterly unable to bond with them I mean I am not wrong? 19 Years without a single thing is more than enough genuine proof, is there something about my energy or what? How is a change in attitude going to change this life lost issue. I am so so lost, I am becoming more and more suicidal by the day, it was a depression feeling before but now I feel I am being rational and logical in taking that route. I have family, who are ridiculously dissfunctional and could not give me anyway worthwhile help, I have pushed away all my friends after realising I was just a downer and that once I cut myself out of their lives they would be happier, which I was spot on. I have become a recluse, timid and bitter prick towards everything. Have no backbone, I feel I have no frame of reference for anything. My mental state is deteriorating more and more by the day, I have gone stupider, my vocabulary has halfed, I am slow, even more boring that before, everything I read these days does not register and even if I it did my overall anxiety stops me from using things I have learnt in the first place as I am just constantly stressing every situation. it is easy to say that I need to be kinder to myself but I disagree, I feel like I am a realist and too much if that, and my views of myself are not negative but utter reality. Desperately need to change, Becoming more suicidal by the day. Open to any advice",Depression +22241,I am 17. My mom is a good parent and she only tried to help me and I told her that I hate her... it is not true... I feel so awful. I also let down my only friend and hurt him. No one should talk to me because I am a terrible person and I only hurt people. I will isolate myself until I hopefully die soon... I am a terrible person and I do not deserve to have friends,Depression +22242,"Hey! I hope everybody is doing great and is happy.Today, I am writing this because I have reached to the point where I am just completely tired and drained out of energy. I just cannot do anything anymore. I have been trying but everything is getting too much for me now. I just want to run away from everything and everyone, where I do not have to worry or think about anyone or anything, except for myself.All this regrets, not being able to take chances, having uncontrollable problems and complications in my kife , whenever I tried to do something for change my life, always bring me down.It was just a rant, I needed to let things out for once. Just very tired and completely drained.",Depression +22243,"I do not expect anyone to read this rambly mess.I feel so done with my life right now.During coronavirus, I \[27M\] got into a LDR relationship with C \[24F\]. We met on an online MMORPG we both spent all of our time playing. It was a rather hardcore guild that pushed for server firsts/server achievements. I was one of the leadership for the guild, she was leveling a class under my purview. She started messaging me questions about it, then also opened up about a breakup she was going through with someone she met in college and had been dating for years.I would end up helping her get through that and we both get really close as a result. As her ex tried to win her back, but she start spending all of her time with me. She kind of strung him along for a couple months, one because he was overly insistent on staying together, two because she sorta wanted to work thing out with him. we would confide in each other with everything, spend all of our time with each other. we would sit in a personal call while we did activities with the guild. Text each other constantly, right as we woke up, right before we went to bed. C is easily the nicest, most affectionate anyone's ever treated me. And she was coincidentally attractive as fuck, this really cute blonde thing that you would not think played MMORPGs constantly.This was easily the best peroid of my life because of how much I enjoyed spending time with her. I have not had a terribly traumatic life or anything. But not terribly good, either? it is been incredibly isolating. My parents were that weird couples my mother a 20 year old fr Asia, and my father double her age at 40. My parents essentially checked out of their marriage and stopped trying when I was around \~11. My father would periodically vanish, I later learned to visit asian women. I believe he raised at least another family, if not multiple. Just based on things I found. He later divorced my mother once I moved out and is raising another child with another asian woman in his late 60s. My mother checked out and played RuneScape 24/7 and when she did not play RuneScape spent all her time gambling. She was a stay at home mother, but gradually stopped trying and our relationship was entirely based around her driving me around while I grew up. Suffice to say I never really interacted with both while growing up, my father did provide and I lived at home until I graduated college. Basically all my other family on my father's side is dead, or on my mother's side and are foreign and cannot speak English. So we never did any family get togethers/I do not really have any family outside of them.Other than that, I have never really had much success with relationships or friendships. I had a static friend group throughout elementary to high school, but we only ever hung out at school. I was always part of the awkward group, I am just an extreme introvert, but on paper there is nothing really wrong with me, medium height/ attractiveness. I would go on to join clubs in college, and meetups once I would graduated to spend my free time, while still playing a lot of video games online. My friends have always been activity acquitances, y'know? People you do stuff with but never really hang out with outside of that. Which I have been fine with but I guess I have giving context to paint a picture.I never really met any women in real life that I went on to get into a relationship with. Part of this is due to all my hobbies (video games, board games, D&D, etc) and work/studies (engineering) being male dominated and also me living at home. I went to community college then transferred to a 4 year I commuted to. Great on keeping costs down, but terrible on social life. So subsequently all the women I met were online through video games, not through any intention of my own, but that is just how it worked out.When I was 16 I met a 20 year old woman in an fps that I would get sexual with and end up visiting at her college dorm to lose my virginity to. We talked constantly for a couple months leading up to the visit. I guess she did not like me because she began seeing someone else immediately afterwards and we never end up talking again.When I was 18 I met an 18 year old woman in that same fps that I would go on to date online for 1-2 years, she was significantly further away than the other woman who was in driving distance. I would visit twice, but it did not end up working out because of how immature I was at that point, probably her too. I would get jealous or moody and cold shoulder her, go through a lot of emotional manipulation that I regret so much to this day. Immediately after our relationship, she meets the love of her life, but it does not work out because she hesitates and does not marry him. I end up chasing after this woman for most of my adulthood after we reconnect at 22 or so. We become best friends while she goes through strings of irl relationships and dating this same guy she calls the love of her life who she cannot let go of. But who no longer cares about her after she called off their marriage, yet strings her along for years. She used other relationships with a drug dealer and a high schooler and an old man to try and get over him as they get together and break up multiple times. All the while I chase after her and provide her with emotional support. it is my fault for doing that and I should have stopped far sooner than I did, but I was still in love with her and thought I could win her over. During this time, I graduated get a job in engineering, move away from my parents, live alone. I go and try dating people where I actually live to middling success while still talking to this girl. I got back into shape and lost a lot of weight. I join a bunch of different meetups, use the typical apps and websites. I went on some dates, but nothing that really worked out. It always took a lot of effort and a lot of messages on my part, if I ever even got responses.Jumping back to C. After a while of this existence, maybe 4-5 years, I meet C in that MMORPG I have been playing. I stop talking to the previous women I chased after for years and focus on C. After about a year us being best friends (6 months of her dealing with her ex and us getting to know each other, and 6 months of is dating, while not telling anyone online but telling her parents and irl friends). She ends up visiting me once we have both gotten a vaccine and things calm down in the you.S. She was planning on staying the summer, while an expansion for the MMORPG we both played came out. We made a bunch of plans, I made a bunch of reservations. We both planned out all the food we would have together. Other than the little time I have spent with those 2 previous women irl, this was the first time I would get to go on dates and spend time with someone and live with someone that I truly loved. that is all I have really wanted in life, just a comfy domestic existence with someone and that is what she told me she wanted too.She visits and it is amazing, her flight came in a city an hour away and we go to a hot pot place, something neither of us have done. Then get taiyaki and ice cream at a nearby place. Then drive back. she is everything I would imagined, incredibly sweet and cute we get along and spend the entire drive back talking and making jokes. We go shopping for everything she needs and it is the most fun I have had in my life. We spend the next couple of days together going out on dates, spending time cuddling, touching, playing video games together, and watch shows. We spend our 6 month anniversary at a fancy Italian place overlooking the city, I reserved a table right at sunset at a perfect spot. All of the courses were her favorite meals and it was amazing.On the sixth day here, we play that MMORPG together and she is a little quiet, I did not think too much of it. The next morning we go to a brunch we would talked about and booked. It kind of sucked, there was no bottomless mimosas and the food was mediocre. It was at a fancy place too, but she is really quiet. And she admits that she is homesick. I kind of shut down a little bit and we talk about it a little bit while we try to finish this brunch. But she apologizes and repeatedly says it has nothing to do with me. We get back, she tells me she is going to call her mom, see if that makes her feel better. When she comes back, she told me she is leaving, immediately and that is she is sorry. She takes an Uber and the next flight out.Over text she told me she is sorry, she needs to be alone. And she does not want to be in relationships (in general) anymore. Maybe it will change, maybe it will be together, but she does not know now. She says she does not feel anything now and cannot support me emotionally anymore. I kind of break down emotionally, cope by trying to talk to her. But she is ice cold, we do not really talk anymore. I asked her to block me so I would not be tempted to send messages to her.I spend a month to myself, not really doing anything. The MMORPG releases it is expansion and I do not really play. They tap her for a leadership position in the guild and that is all she really does anymore. I have tried to play again, but I am so behind now and the guilds hardcore. It feels like it is her guild now, I laugh now because I always supported her in the game, forced her to do chores, she told me she would quit if I ever stopped playing. Now she is near leading the damn thing. It hurts. For a lot of reasons. My main hobby is gone because I cannot stand to see her playing, moved on without me. I spent so much effort preparing for this expansion, I was with this guild for over 2 years. I am now a month behind and they have recruited people to replace me. Now it is all gone. My best friend and girlfriend is gone. All my friends in this guild are gone. My dreams for the future is gone.I know the standard advice, block her out of my life, hit the gym and focus on myself. But I am just so tired. I am focusing on losing weight I binged on during the past month, it is pretty easy since my appetite is now gone. I started seeing a therapist because I started feeling really suicidal and could not sleep much. They dropped me after the second session without saying anything, I am not really sure why, I guess I need to find a new one. All I have left is work, and I cannot motivate myself to do everything I need to do when I have nothing left in my life, anything left to look forward to.I know I am young, I know I need to put my life back together, I have so much time to meet someone new, but I have just spent so much of my life forcing myself to move forward. Not being happy, there is people with it way worse, I am aware. As I am nearing 30, I cannot help but think about how people said it would get better in college then how it would get better when I am graduated, what is left? it will get better in my 30s? 40s? I just feel so done. Everything I wanted was within my grasp, I loved this woman so much, I have never connected with someone as well as we did, but she threw me out like I was nothing, she did not even seem upset. Now she is just a stranger and everything about my previous life is gone.I have just been forcing myself to level in the game, so I have something to do. Watching everyone else talk in chat, wishing things had turned out differently and I could have played with them on the expansion release. They played for 40 hours straight. She now just plays with everyone when we used to be attached dat the hip. The more I think about how behind I am, how there is not a spot for me in the guild, and also in the guild, the more I just want to kill myself, I gave a half hearted attempt at hanging myself, but there was nowhere to tie it indoors and it is 110 outside. I know all of this sounds so dumb, I just feel so much fucking grief over everything. I am alone, no family, friends, girlfriend, or escape. My therapist and I were going to work on coping before he dropped me. But I just do not want to do this anymore, my life's just been such a grind, waiting for things to get better. I do not have it in me to go forward. I feel so done with my life right now that my girlfriends left me",Suicidal +22244,"I had anxiety since age 11 and ruined childhood because of that. I had derealization and crazy anxiety attacks where I cried. I had no idea what was happening and could not really tell my parents what was wrong. Dad was an alcoholic but a happy type of drinker, mom worked very, very hard and got hooked on pills and occasional alcohol. We lived in a house with my grandparents that I loved very much. My mother made go to different school at 10 that I hated. It was further away, teachers sucked and schoolmates made it clear they do not like outsiders. I had a friend there that was most hated in my class therefore I was unpopular too. My dream was to leave that hell and study electronics. 5 years of torture left... But to be honest last two years were much better I got a PC and had something to talk about with others and also realized that so called friend was a liar and manipulated me. My mother did not want me to study electronics but chose another school instead. I was broken. I suffered from stomach issues and puked every morning. Classmates and friends were great though. The anxiety went away and depression started... The derealization was mostly gone but the depression kicked in and I started to loose interest in my hobbies. what is happening? I do not know maybe I am just sad that I am fat. So I lost weight. No that was not it and no my mother said I look horrible because I am skinny. I was always something I her eyes... You do not go out, you play too much, you read too much, other kids speak 7 languages, they have good grades, they do sport.... Depression destroyed my concetration and my ability to learn. At age 18 I had my first suicide thought. I was like: What the hell are you even thinking about?I wanted to become a detective so I went to law school and lasted 3 months. My world crumbled. Now what?? I was unemployed for months and parents hated me because I was a disgrace. I found a corporate job with help of my sisters husband. I lasted 3 days. Back to school I guess... I had no interest in math so tech schools were out of the question. I applied for social work and finished it. Somewhere in the middle I got an idea: I will learn math and apply for IT school and that is what I did. I worked hard whole summer. Then first semester started and I almost went crazy. It was hard to concentrate and I felt like my whole reputation depended on this. I will show everyone I am not dumb and lazy just a depressed lost fuck. I got a bachelors degree and realized corporate world is hell. In my new job I lasted three weeks before I got fired. They saw my complete lack of interest. My father told me I am a dickhead and I am a lost because. I wanted to jump out of the 10th floor. I still had people to live for. Dad died shortly after and my sister gave me a contact on her colleague that worked in IT withing the police in my city. They were looking for IT guys. I got the job I was really happy! I am still happy for the last 3.5 years. My sister tells me that without her I would accomplish nothing and she Is the only reason I have that job. This kills my self esteem. They (sister and her husband) are succesful and have money and they make fun of me for being a looser with no girlfriend. I never had a girlfriend. My only (girl)friend is and escort that I visit every two weeks. She was one of the reason I never killed myself. We really like each other and are good friends. I started with medication two years ago and it was the best decision. I discovered I am bipolar just like my mother but I have less serious version of it. Sport helped me and also a little discomfort. Try to go out. If you hate places with lots of people and loud music that is great. Do it. Your brain needs to get used to these stimuli. If you hate your job there is a chance you hate your city too and maybe your whole social circle. Just move to a smaller city and start over. that is my last resort if everything fails. Just do not fucking kill yourself. YOU WILL GET YOUR ENEMIES HAPPY AND THEY WIN. YOU WILL GET YOUR ENEMIES HAPPY AND THEY WIN.",Suicidal +22245,"My entire day is painful misery. I cannot work because opening my laptop gives me panic attacks. My anxiety is at an all time high and I have not felt any happiness in months. Nothing gives me joy, everything tastes like bland nothingness, and the only emotions I feel are boiling rage or total depression.I also have tinnitus and sleep apnea. Which means I can barely fall asleep due to the extreme anxiety and the constant sound of *EEEEEEE* in my ears. And when I do fall asleep, I am woken up every 10-30 minutes because my body stops fucking breathing. My therapist and everyone I speak to just say ""stay positive"" and ""be patient"" and ""small steps!"" Like any of that fucking helps.My past is abuse, my present is pain and misery, and my future holds nothing for me. What the fuck am I meant to be living for at this point? Unbearable 24-7",Suicidal +22246,Hello friends. I have someone in my life with depressive Episodes and I am too close to them to be helpful (in fact I am probably part of their challenges and standing in their way). How can I help this person seek the attention they need from a professional? Like it or not there is a stigma attached in my culture and this person has a sense of failure in seeking help. Any suggestions how I can support? My specific goal Is to help them speak with a professor someone who knows how to help. Thanks! Someone too close to me,Depression +22247,"I am sitting alone in my room, trying my hardest not to cry.I am alone. I am all alone. Everyone is going out to lunch or to dinner with everyone. I do not think anyone will care enough to even call. Even if they do it will all sound so meaningless and fake. I am going to turn my phone off and watch Netflix in bed all day tomorrow.Maybe I deserve it. For having a loud voice, for being fat, for just existing. This is my punishment. I am destined to be miserable. I am too scared to die. it is like an endless loop. I have accepted it, I am just done. 4 hours and 8 minutes left for my birthday.",Suicidal +22248,"I have been dealing with ideation for a long, long time but I know there was always part of me that very much so did NOT want to die. Lately that will to live has just been slowly swallowed by dread and hopelessness, I do not trust myself alone but have absolutely no one to turn to. No friends, no family, no one.I spent the night miserable and unable to sleep. All I could do is stare at the closet, where I know there is a gun, I know it could be so quick. I just dread the thought of someone having to clean up my mess of a body. I guess my best bet is to find somewhere secluded and hope I do not bother anyone.I thought maybe typing this all out would give me some sort of relief or catharsis, but its honestly just reinforcing how hopeless I feel. I just hope that maybe, in another life, I could have found help, or did things differently, and it would not have to be like this. I am so scared to be alone",Suicidal +22249,"Graduated college with a useless degree and a shit GPA. There goes my chances for grad school and decent employment. I should just end it already. I am tired of all the harassment and everyone calling me a failure. I already know that I am, no need to repeat it. Anyway I am offing it. I am sick of this world and everyone in it. Goodbye I am a failure going nowhere fast. I should just end it already.",Suicidal +22250,"My life change drasticlly since pandemic.Since 7 years ago i been building my business i went up and down but after all its quiet going well, i put all my efford on it i wven quit my college for it. Since i think my degree in music is not really make a different in my professional life.Everything going well and then this pandemic happen and from planning to open expansion of my business it goes down to end all my business. It seem really fast thing gone wrong, i went bankrupt.My mental health is nowhere near healthy.For the last 5 years i been overwork everyday i remember sometime thee can be month that i only got out from my place for work again and again.And then the substance come in. I just consume to feel relax and chill for a while. At first it was okay but i become dependent on that really fast till now.Its almost 3 years I am on it.Right now i feel like some spark in me lost. I do not have courage to start something new anymore. I been really isolated and alone most of time since my business is over and my close friend is mostly my co worker.It been 6 month i been jobless and aimless. For the last 3 or 4 year i been hiding my depression and suicidal issue. There is a point I am occacionally cut myself and really panic. But right now i rarely feel anything, i just want to end it all. Or go somewhere new and start build a new life.Right counting endless day is really useless i do not have much going on till i do not have money to life anymore maybe.I just want to find my long lost self and be with him again. Aimless and do not have a spark to live anyomore",Depression +22251,My friend told me that she has depression and I want to be supportive but I cannot see how I can be. she lives far away so I cannot visit her. she has adhd if that is relevant. I just really want to help and be supportive but I do not know how. How can I help?,Depression +22252,"I am 38 and I have the memory of a goldfish. I have not been in a relationship in 15 years and I cannot hold a conversation with someone to save my life. Ever since I can remember I have been the weird silent guy that sucks at everything. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 5 years ago after it caused me to lose several jobs. The only people that I talk to on a regular basis are my dad and my brother. I have no friends, life sucks, and I just want it all to end. I am so jealous of other people with normal memories and social skills, families, girlfriends, friendships and relationships, but I have become accustomed to feeling that way all the time Weird Silent Guy with No Friends",Suicidal +22253,"every now and then, a bad situation would give me an insatiable urge to cut my wrist. it feels like I am forever stuck in that mood until i start cutting. how do i fix this? self-harm urges",Depression +22254,I thought my depression was getting better when my nightmares stopped. I think it is actually gotten worse though. I think the reason they have stopped is because I have realized that there is no greater nightmare than waking up to another day of fighting for happiness and peace of mind there is no greater nightmare than waking up,Suicidal +22255,"I have literally told her about it, but she dismissed me and said that I am ""too smart to be suicidal"". I tried to tell her again that I am planning to kill myself and she just said the same thing again.Why is she doing this? I have a very close relationship with her and I thought that I could openly talk to her about this and she will try to help me or at least understand. Does she not care? Why does my mother not accept that I am suicidal?",Suicidal +22256,"I have a long history of mental illness and suicidal thoughts and all of that. If it interests you I was diagnosed with bipolar ii disorder when I was first hospitalised and then diagnosed with ""borderline personality disorder traits"" on top of that upon my second hospitalisation. I have also tried (and obviously failed) to attempt twice. Today is different, though. Today I learnt of a new way to make an attempt after looking for one everyday this week and on and off all year. Since then my mind has just been racing about all the things I will need, funeral and after-death arrangements but I keep hitting this block at ""what happens if I fail again?"" Anyone who has tried and failed at an attempt knows that you just end up feeling like a loser and even a little worse than before. In my case I even had a hangover but some uni work to submit. Those times it was some what easy to hide the fact that I would made attempts at my life but with this way it does not seem like that will be the case. I am scared of being found and being forced into hospital again for the third time in a row. I am not looking for advice in how to get away with it. I know that is against the rules but I thought I could vent about it here. I have done a good job at isolating myself from everyone so reaching out will be a nuisance for them and I am sick of therapy (PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME WHAT IT IS. I will not ""SHARE"") Perhaps the start of a Swan song",Suicidal +22257,"they feel so real, then i wake up and its not. I am such a pussy and wish i would just do it. probably going to fuck around & get myself a bunch of tattoos that i do not have the money for and then die. at least ill die with some dope art. i keep having dreams",Suicidal +22258,"it is gotten to the point that I have to stop myself from crying every time I open my eyes in the morning. Another day alive is not a blessing to me, it is just another day of struggling and fighting for peace. I am sick of itI used to smoke every morning to help me cope but then I met a really nice guy who helped me cut back and talked to me every morning. He randomly stopped talking to me so now I am back to getting high as soon as I wake up. I just want a better way to get me to look forward to the day How do I wake up without feeling bummed that I am alive?",Depression +22259,I am abroad with my boyfriend and I want to die. I just want to hurt myself. But I cannot because I am the only one with a driving license and he would have no way of going home. I just wanted to tell this to somebody. Traveling,Depression +22260,So guys... You had two choices in the beginning. One was to go to heaven and the other to feel love on earth with the price of pain. Which one did you choose from the very beginning. Story of the first one,Suicidal +22261,"Just as the the title says. I feel like one is hyper alot, a attention whore, and is idealistic and stupid. and the other is calm, trys to be normal, is a realist, and wants to kill the other one, witch is why I somtimes choke myself, usually for at most 30 seconds at a time just so the other can stop controlling me and make me look like an idiot. And I am not insane, its not like there telling me to hurt others, So can some please tell me, is this normal? Am I depressed? Or is it some other mental disease. Thanks I feel like there is 2 of me and one of them hates the other",Depression +22262,"I can keep my hygiene up and cook and clean the apartment and spend time with the people I love. But if what I am doing does not make mw money, its worthless. Capitalism won, I give up. I am just a pawn, an asset. Count every penny I make every day so I am sure I can keep eating. And if I am not making enough then what is the point of breathing?? All I am is a worker. If I am not working I am not worth anything.",Suicidal +22263,", but I am afraid to kill myself. There is no reason left, why I should keep going. My best friend, who I secretly love started to ignore me. She was one of the last reasons why I kept trying. I cannot sleep. I cannot fucking be happy for 1 single day. I am so fucking impulsive. I wrote a suicide letter, twice. I am ready to be dead. I do not want to live any longer, but I am afraid to cut my veins. I do not want to live anymore",Depression +22264,"This year has been the worse in my fucking life, a lot of bad things happened, i do not have anyone to tell this, not even my parents, my mother would just say that I am just sad and my father would not give a shit, and i do not think my brother is ready for something like this. My future is fucked up, I live in a poor country and the economy every day goes down. My mother struggles me with the idea of getting a gf and having kids, she thinks I am just a bit angry, like nothing fucked up happened, she thinks I am happy about the bad things i did. I do not care about what will happen to them after i go, I am planning doing it this week, we have a lot of pills. bye I just want to end it",Suicidal +22265,"Well here I am am before my 21st birthday, and not fucking shit has changed I remember at age 15 I told myself its ok to be in this state, many teens feel like this, and high school does not even matter",Depression +22266,"What do you do when you lost you are will to live. Do you die? Do you make it quick or do you suffer? am I done suffering should I just end it quickly? I have bin contemplating how I could even do it so it would not hurt and Maybe would even be peaceful. I have slept the past 4 years away anyway. I wish I was better because seeing people cry and stress over my depression and self hate makes my heart hurt. My mom tells me that its not fair I make myself suffer she crys telling me that I do not deserve to suffer everyday. what am I supposed to say. I love my mom and my little sister and I would miss them if I was dead. And Ill never be able to hold my baby cusin anymore if I was dead. Last night he held onto me for dear life like telling go of him was the end of the world. Holding him made me feel comfortable and at peace seeing him laugh and smile makes me happy. I wish I had my own kids I could hold and love and protect. I wish I had a wife I could hold in my arms every night and know everything was going to be ok. I wish I was not the way I am I wish I could have more hugs. I wish for more hugs, hugs that last and never let go. Will to live",Depression +22267,"I am sorry for this vent. I have no one to tell this to. I lost all of my friends this week. I fucked up in a huge way because of my inner turmoil. I did bad things to them like lie, broke their trust, spoke poorly of them. I know my actions warrant losing them. But I loved them, somehow, despite all of this. I am so alone right now and its scary and painful. I know this is the consequence of my actions. But it hurts so much and I do not know what to do. And I recently broke up with my boyfriend. My chest and head feels like its going to explode. I went to the hospital earlier this week but did not get admitted to inpatient. I am scared to try to get help again because I am afraid of it failing. Ill feel more hopeless than I do now. I feel like there is no redeeming myself. I want to get better and I want to change but its hard when no one can be there with you along the way. I have no one to talk to. I tried reaching out to more people but life circumstances prevent us from talking. I am scared and I can feel myself getting more desperate. I cannot see a way out of feeling like this",Suicidal +22268,"So, 1. I overshare everything about my life on social media but i ALWAYS ignore any texts from my friends. I love them but somehow i cannot be bothered to answer. Even tho i miss them a lot2. I feel lonely but i literally do not want to spend time with anyone, and do not want a relationship. I ignore everyone is texts Is anyone else like this ? My coping mechanisms are weird",Depression +22269,-what is it like? What symptoms do you deal with? -I am sorry I know this is a broad question that is probably been asked a ton of times. And I am not trying to be insensitive of course. I am just trying to understand. Recently I have been starting to won,Depression +22270,I honestly do not know how much longer I can take this. there is literally no one that will truly be affected if I die. I cannot take this pain anymore. I just need some relief. there is no way I can deal with these feelings for the rest of my life. I just cannot take it. Idk,Suicidal +22271,Any quick ways to just end it all?? genuinely asking. please someone tell me how i can kill myself rq,Suicidal +22272,"23 have no career, useless degree, fked up my life. Everyone is doing better than me 23 have no career, useless degree, fked up my life. Everyone is doing better than me",Suicidal +22273,"23 have no career, useless degree, fked up my life 23 have no career, useless degree, fked up my life",Depression +22274,Help meplease. I am messedup rn. I lost everything and just need a couple dollars. $ parishrmack I sleep outside. I am doing the best i can to find work but i also smell bad. I am starving n just want some money for food. This is my last resort.I will give you proof Idk what to do at this point. I am a 20yr oldhomless woman and I am starvingndesperate. Thinking ofk.illing myself today,Depression +22275,"I have been eating very very less and that is causing me to be dizzy and feeling weak. I cannot concentrate on studies and I have important exams in a few days. I do not know what I want by posting this but if you have any ideas on how to force oneself to eat, please do reply I cannot bring myself to eat something. What do I do?",Depression +22276,Help me please. I am messedup rn. I lost everything and just need a couple dollars. $ parishrmack I sleep outside. I am doing the best i can to find work but i also smell bad. I am starving n just want some money for food. This is my last resort before i start stealing food. I will give you proof. Please someone anyone I am crying for help,Suicidal +22277,"I am 28 year old woman. I have no friends, no boyfriend and my life is fucked. If you have shitty life like me we can vent our problems to each other. I do not think I am going to make it till the end of this year. My life is too shitty for me to handle. I am just looking for a kind companion to talk about anything Looking for someone I can talk to",Depression +22278,"Why does she keep me around? Like I do nothing but eat away at her life and put her through more pain. She means the world to me, she is my best friend and I love her so much. I would do anything for her, but I cannot actually do anything right. She smiles and says I am doing fine, but I know its a lie. I annoy her with my constant whining and downer attitude. I am too clingy but I cannot help it. She cannot bring herself to tell me to fuck off because she knows I cannot deal with it, so she sticks around and puts herself through it. She hates me. I am not stupid, I can see it. Does she talk about me behind my back about how much of a pain I am and how she wishes I was gone? I do not know, I hope not, but I know I have done nothing to have her sing my praises I wish I was gone too, I did not ask to be born in the first place. I want to just disappear and have no one wonder where I have gone. Then again, why would they? Hell, if I could, I would just hit fast forward. Life is just me waiting for whatever random occurance kills me. Unless I grow a set and hit stop instead. Would anyone really care if I did? Would they even bother with a funeral? I am probably worth a ditch in a field somewhere. Cheap, disposable, I serve my purpose and die. that is what my life is. there is nothing good waiting for me, nothing worth hanging on for. Everyone else is doing so much better than me, and they deserve it, I am happy for them. I am the trash, the bottom of the barrel, I deserve nothing. let us face it, all my ""friends"" probably think I am stupid. They can see through my act, I am just a pity case. I am the tag-along, the loner that gets the sad boy treatment. I want to tell them, have them know how I feel properly. I want them to read this. I want them to know that its nothing personal, just sometimes I do not want to live. But they have got more important things to worry about, I am nothing meaningful to them. I feel bad, no disgusting, that all my feelings get pushed onto the shoulders of one woman who really does not need it, and probably does not care. I am ugly, my hair is horrible, my body is skinny and gross, my nose is bent, my eyebrows are too thick and messy, my voice is whiny and pathetic, everything is disgusting. I shower everyday just so people can bear to be around me. If I am not going out, I will sit and fester in my own disgusting smell. I can smile, I can laugh. Hell, I can have weeks where I feel... okay. Not happy, I do not allow myself to do that anymore. If I feel even the smallest glimmer of happiness, I shut it down. I do not want to be happy, I do not deserve it. I am flat, in some state of ""non-mood."" I exist. And for some reason, I woke up that morning. that is all. No matter how badly I plead with myself, my body keeps on going, it just will not stop. I want it to, so fucking bad. Why the hell am I writing this? Just to be some kind of edgelord? it is my birthday this month, 22 years of existing, I am supposed to be excited, but I am not. I do not deserve that. Why would anyone want to celebrate me? I have done nothing meaningful, nothing productive. I am a fucking parasite. I do not want to make it to 30. So I have decided that I will kill myself the day before my 30th. Why bother living any longer? Your body starts to degrade at 27, it is given up trying to fix you. So why? Why bother going on any longer? there is no point, you are just prolonging the inevitable. So I will just exist till then, plenty of time for something to kill me beforehand. Hell, why not kill myself at 25? Make it easier on myself. But I suppose I have to give myself a chance, not that I want to, but self-righteous twats will not let me give up. I bet they enjoy it, making me keep going, making me doubt myself on wether or not I choose to stop living. I just wish I was gone. Fuck my family, fuck my parents for having me, I hate them both. I wish I was just another stillbirth, just like my brother, Matthew. I bet he would be doing great right about now, why did I get to live, but he did not? it is not fair, I would trade places in an instant. Selfish assholes, both of them. I do not want them anymore, I do not want any of my family anymore. Fucking disown me, please, stop pretending I am worth a damn when I am just the failure. that is it. I just want everything to stop. Everything. You get it? E V E R Y T H I N G Why the fuck am I here? My thoughts",Depression +22279,I am very sad that my motgher did not buy me andy 100 robux same asd my step dad who left me at age 2 when i was little and he is aclh9olic who sdrinks alot of whisky god i hate this world i wish io had bought robux with my stolen moms creidt card and i want to kill myself with a gun from me uncle that touchs me weirdly on me toes when i say no to uno My mom did not buy me 100 robux,Suicidal +22280,"About 1.5 years ago I moved to a new state where I know no one, my boyfriend came with me. Today we broke up. The pandemic began right after I moved so I never went out and tried to meet people. I have no friends and I was never good at making friends. My old friends and I do not really talk anymore. The only people who will miss me when I die are my 2 cats. They are getting pretty old and they might pass away in the next couple of years and when that happens nothing will be keeping me here anymore. I feel completely, utterly alone in this world",Depression +22281,"I was in the nothing matters anymore mindset for quite a long time now, I let go of controlling my life at all and the worst thing is that it affected what I cared about the most: academics, I still studied enough to pass most of courses especially that I would get really really anxious at exams. Now, my gpa is ruined and I have a very small chance to reach my pre depressed goals which only makes me feel more hopeless and its easier to stay depressed because everything I lived for or everything I was expecting is gone now.Its like I am okay with being isolated and not having friends but I am not ok with not getting a good gpa? ( I am one year closer to graduation and I really need to transfer to a better uni) Depression and gpa",Depression +22282,24/7 all i can think about is hanging myself. Time moves by and i am always back to square one. fuck this shit. I might really do it this time. cannot get the thoughts out of my head.,Suicidal +22283,"Hey. I go to UC Davis and it is a decent school and I am proud to be going to college in the first place. However, I completed fucked up my freshman and sophomore years by not attending classes and it is been getting worse and worse every semester and now I failed all 5 of my classes this past semester, and I will probably graduate one year late. My relative is paying for my tuition and I feel really bad wasting one year of tuition money. I have been telling my parents that I am getting straight As in all my classes because my asian parents have pretty high standards.Now this might sound like a very small problem however for the past 12 months I have not gone a single day without worrying and being anxious about this. It is literally crippling me which is why I think why I failed all 5 of my classes this last semester. Half of my waking hours are spent either worrying about my parents finding out or me getting suspended. I cannot get anything done in my life because I have spent literally THOUSANDS of hours worrying about me failing classes, which is ironically a big reason why I am failing my classes - too much worrying. i do not even know why I am writing this but I just do not know who to talk to about this. lying to parents about grades.",Depression +22284,"I was at a party last night. As I was leaving, two separate girls said they wanted to have sex (which, like, never fucking happens so not-depressed me would absolutely have jumped at such an opportunity), but I just said goodbye, that I had a headache, and left. In the moment, I think I was in denial about what I would heard; I feel so ugly and undesirable, I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to have sex with me, let alone enough to say it outright to my face. In the moment, I thought to myself I must have misheard her, due to the loud music. I have not had sex or a relationship in years now, I do not even understand myself when I reject people anymore. I guess I have become used to being alone, and due to a series of torrid and manipulative relationships I had in the past, I have lost trust in others, and the idea of intimacy with anyone is scarier than continuing to be lonely. I do not even know why I am posting this. I guess I just want to vent my frustration with myself. So depressed, I refused to hookup",Depression +22285,"I feel like its lying to my body that things are okay. If I live with them do not they permanently alter your brain and sex drive? I really want to die, well actually I want a do over, but I blew it. Are antidepressants worth it?",Suicidal +22286,"i usually stop overthinking by self harm. i usually cut myself and rarely burn. i do not know anyway else to stop overthinking. whenever i overthink i want to be alone. i do not want anybody near me. i do not know what to do. please help I cannot stop overthinking and I do not know why. I keep telling myself I am overthinking, but then i think I am overthinking that I am overthinking and i cannot stop. its a never ending cycle",Suicidal +22287,"I feel on the edge of depression. Since the end of quarantine, it has been harder and harder, I am both mentally and physically drained, not any times for myself, feeling constant stress and anxiety, feeling like I am drowning a little more everyday. Life has became chaotic and I have no family neither friends where I live to help me. What can I do to improve my life and feels motivation and energy again ? Burn out",Depression +22288, (link to my drawing) Life is a true nightmare. I really hope that my suicide attempt will be successful if I am going to do it. This is how I feel about life in one drawing I made.,Suicidal +22289,"Life is pointless and constant pain. I pray that I will die soon but if I do not I am putting a shotgun to my head and pulling the trigger. Also I have tried opioids before and enjoy them alot so I am doing heroin to obtain some temporary happiness before I end my life. do not tell me to not try heroin or to not end my life because I do not give a fuck about my life or my health. I am 16 but Id like to end my life before I am an adult for sure, but first I want to isolate myself from other people so no one cares when I am gone. I hate life",Suicidal +22290,"I live on the 21st floor. I am thinking of jumping off the window. Or hang myself but I do not have a rope. I have tons of paracetamol pills maybe if I take them all and down them with whiskey? and a sharp knife. I do not even know if slitting my wrists would do the trick tbh. Just want to end my life. It was a good run! Consider it euthanasia, I do not want to talk I have talked to many many ppl. Just please help me help my loved ones and family because if I do not die now I will live my entire life with guilt. Help me plz anything I am willing to pay you up to 50 dollars thags all I have on me just help me plz Any easy way to commit suicide?",Suicidal +22291,"I know people who are unsatisfied with their lifes. They talk about how they are sick of their work, how they want to travel more, they want to find the right partner, move to a different city, how the kids have them worried, or they want to live their childhood dream becoming a dancer, artist, musician, ...They all have a reason to be partially unsatisfied. If things change for the better their well-being does, too. I would have reasons if I were to believe them changing for the better lead to the most tiny mood improvement at least.that is what I do not get. I feel like nothing will ever improve my situation. There has to be something wrong with my head, I swear... If I only knew the problem",Depression +22292,"When I was around four, my brothers kicked me off a bunk bed. I do not remember if it was intentional or accidental, but it does not matter now. I fell from around 7-10 feet up and landed flat on my stomach. Had to get stitches in my chin. My whole life, I have been told I have ADHD, autism, etc. but just recently it occurred to me. The incident aforementioned is most likely the root of all my behavioral problems.All of my memory loss issues, uncontrollable emotions, and all of my problems with society in general. I probably have half the brain processing power of the average person. You can imagine how that affected my academic performance.I will never be able to follow my dreams. Its like I am stuck in a she will of my true self. The passion is there, but the motivation and critical thinking skills just are not. I have been suicidal my whole life for not fitting in, there has always been a screw loose that just puts people off. As a result, I have no friends. I think back on my life and I wonder what it could have been. What it would have been had I not had the tragic incident destroying any hope for my future. My future looks grim.I do not even want to die, in fact, I am quite terrified of dying. I just want a solution to what feels like eternal suffering. I just want the pain of my existence to end. I do not want to live a life if it means I have to spend one more minute in my broken mind. I know there is no cure for TBI. What can I do at this point to cope with my situation? Early Childhood TBI Has Ruined My Life. (20M)",Suicidal +22293,Life is pointless and constant pain. I pray that I will die soon but if I do not I am putting a shotgun to my head and pulling the trigger. Also I have tried opioids before and enjoy them alot so I am doing heroin to obtain some temporary happiness before I end my life. do not tell me to not try heroin or to not end my life because I do not give a fuck about my life or my health. I hate life,Suicidal +22294,"I imagine the seemingly normal things I am going to do on my last day, and then the part when I end it all. Thinking about that part fills me with a sense of calmness. Finally being able to escape my problems. Finally leaving the shitty people who make my life miserable. Its all I have ever wanted, and death will give it to me. do not tell me it gets better, because the chances of my situation getting better are not guaranteed. Dying does scare me a little bit, but if I do not die now, I will inevitably die later in life. Why live in pain for longer? Death is bliss, and I want the courage to meet up with it. Thinking of killing myself makes me really happy",Suicidal +22295,Life is pointless and constant pain. I pray that I die soon but if I do not I am putting a shotgun to my head and pulling the trigger. Also I have tried opioids before so I am doing heroin to obtain some temporary happiness before I end my life. do not tell me to not try heroin or not end my life because I do not give a fuck about my life or my health. I hate life,Suicidal +22296,"I am just trying to talk to someone, not about religion but just about me, you....US! Why TF do people have to misconstrue feelings for ""God""!!!!",Suicidal +22297,"I am 18 and suicidal, no friends no gf, no job, nothing, but you see it was not always like this, when i was 16 i was prospering in life i had many loving friends an amazing gf a nice part time job but then i ended up losing it all. present day holed up in my room every day and i want to die so much, but I am too afraid of actually doing it, what would the best way to push through being afraid to get it over with? Scared of Dying",Suicidal +22298,"I feel so numb and emotionless , I cannot cry anymore, I have forgotten about my life ,my dreams and what i wanted do and what i want do , I live in my comfort zone which I have made in my mind ,I keep dreaming about the future which does not exist and is never going to happen, worry about that future that is in my mind,Every time certain painful emotions come up I just cope by laughing , I want to do something about it but I cannot, not overthinking is really hard, every time I try to stop overthinking it multiples by 4 times, I want attention from someone at the same time i do not want it, I do not really feel people's empathy for me , I am angry of ppl around me , maybe its because they are happy which i could not , I hate ppl helping me at the same time i want help from someone,Waking up everyday is drag, meditation also does not work, I am afraid of starting new things and being new me, I want to be lazy person, I want to be surrounded by unhappiness , toxicity that I have been doing this over past 2 years,Right now I do not care about my life I am numb,uni, grades ,friends,family, i do not care anymore, I want to sit inside my room by locking door , I do not want to die but I want to sleep forever,only way I cope is by laughing at a pain , I wonder how laughing genuinely feels like.I want to wake up from this long nightmare but I am unable to do so I want to wake up from this nightmare",Depression +22299,Hello I just wanted someone to talk to I cannot find a way to live in this world anymore Hello,Suicidal +22300,"There is no place here for someone like me... I know that, if life has taught me anything it is that I do not belong. it is cold and lonely world no one likes me, I do not like me I am just a broken cowardly loser without a friend in the world. I am beyond repair... there is nothing left to save... why cannot I just die already.....I will never amount to anything, I will never be worth anything the world would go on just the same without me in it. Almost no one would even notice a life as insignificant as mine.I do not belong here.... everyone is so mean too me, I am either an object of ridicule or ignored entirely. Even if people pretend they care it does not last long and I am left just as empty and lonely as I was before....Why should not I just kill myself? heck its probably better sooner than later for my niece and nephew they are really young they will not even remember right now.... not like they would care either.... I have no reason to try and fight this, I am so tired, I hurt so much, no one likes me, no one will help me I just cannot do this anymore.... The worlds always hated me anyways, so why should not I just give up and end it all....",Suicidal +22301,I find therapy to still be out of financial reach for most people in the US. You may disagree i guess but i would really like to hear any hypothetical method that may work as to making it more accessible to people. Is there a way to make therapy more affordable in the US? Even hypothetically?,Depression +22302,maybe I will just be an asshole to everyone and die. I would rather be known as the dick head coward who offed himself than the loved one who was struggling and had his thoughts get the best of him. i just want to smoke and forget this shit. I just want to die so I do not hurt anyone more by progressing in life and building connections.,Suicidal +22303,"Just a little about me before you read this: Hi, I am Noah. I am 15 years old and I live in a small place outside of a city called Manchester in the North-West of England.I seem to get these depressive 'episodes' where I tend to feel like crap for weeks at a time but I then get a small burst of happiness for about a week solid where I feel like I can actually stand the problems I am facing in life. I am currently not feeling too bad right now and I have not been feeling awful for the past 2 days but I am just waiting for my mood to completely drop sometime soon. Is this normal...? Depressive episodes.",Depression +22304,Anyone elses depression because them to be incredibly bored or uninterested? I am so bored the only fun thing is suicide. Been like this for years now Bored to death (literally),Depression +22305,"I cannot help to feel sorry for feeling suicidal almost every day in the past 3 years. Every day I woke up, the PTSD kicks in and it will repeat my mistake vividly. It took so much of my energy just to combat that PTSD, let alone the suicidal thought. The flashback is so real, and often leaves me with an accelerated heartbeat and a wet pillow when I wake up.I am not sure if feeling suicidal is a sure sign of depression or not. But I know that in my calm mind, that whenever the PTSD or the memory flashback kicks in, I will start to plan for suicidal methods. How I wish I can enjoy a painless death.......I know, I am sick. But I lives in a very conservative society. Suicide is a taboo topic in here and nobody would really talk about that. As a man, I know I am ""not supposed to feeling suicidal"", as this will show that I am vulnerable. I know being vulnerable is a huge weakness in this market, everyone will hits your weak point to achieve maximum benefits. I know I cannot afford to be vulnerable. I know I live in the stereotype image. Today, because of pure coincidence, I am forced to work with someone that happens to be the main character in my PTSD. She was kind, never mentioned any of my past mistakes. but before she left, she say something to me in private. This caused my PTSD and suicidal thought to be in peak. But since I am working (as a videographer), I need to display a professional image. I cannot display my personal emotion in front of client.It was only until when I am back to home and finally be alone. I slump into the bed, feeling no appetite to eat. The thought to end my life was the strongest I ever encounter. The only motivation is to seek death, so I open up my laptop, searching for any new drug that can be purchased discreetly to end my life painlessly. You know, whenever you google up suicide, there will always be a hotline number. I doubt it actually works. They will eventually say that, ""in the end you still need to rely on yourself"". I am no stranger to a suicide thoughts, and I am getting tired to all these anti-suicide campaigns. I really doubt it is helpful, especially for someone likes me that could not talk properly about my mental issue. Today is not my first suicide attempt, and I doubt it will be the last suicide attempt in my life. The PTSD and suicide leave such a permanent disability in my mental capacity. Sometimes I wish I can be dead, and sometimes where I feel so lucky not to suicide at that point. I had been trapped into this ""tried to suicide, failed, glad I am not dead"" cycle. I feel so tired and drains out to combat with these negative thoughts. I had long lost the courage to lives on. I can only use new goals to excites myself. Quite similar in dark souls, once you finish your duty, you are bound to ""die"" (literally). I am really sorry for the negativity. I am so scared to talk about this with anyone. This had been my deepest secret that I could not share with anyone. I felt really guilty that while I am feeling suicidal, there are thousands of people in the hospital who struggle to live on. How I wish I can ""transfer"" my lifespan to them..... They can just live on with my life, while I die (happily, I hope so). I am sorry for feeling suicidal, I wish I can be different from those that ""think too much""",Suicidal +22306,"lost my girlfriend a few days ago the only two reasons i got was she does not want a relationship and she wants to work on herself I have just been sittint downstairs playing xbox for most of the days because my room reminds me of her.we broke up on the 5th of july and I have literally got no friends and nothing she made my insecurities feel like a artwork my face, my ears, my stretch marks she just made me feel handsome all my friends online just tell me to move on but how can i? i wanted a future with this girl and she wanted one too she hid a lot of stuff until last moment and wrote how she felt in the iphone notes app me and her just normally text once or twice a day for 6 minutes or so and leave it like that but the past two days I have been bugging her because I am on the angry stage of a breakup but we had this spotify playlist and i just listen to it and feel special and not even that i just find myself watching when she was last active on instagram I am driving myself to suicide and literally cut my arm up with a school pin a few minutes ago because i like the feel of pain and to see blood rush out of my armi need advice honestly i do not know anymore",Suicidal +22307,My depression got so bad I cannot even sleep. have not gotten a good nights rest in 3 weeks. Moving on to my 4th week. I just want this hell to stop. I fucking hate it Insomnia,Depression +22308,"And that i will not have a good life, that ill alway regret thing's that i did not do or committed to.It feel like I am my greatest weakness and i cannot do anything, i do not commit, I am lazy and when i had phone counselling, i alway felt negative before, feeling like I am just there just to feel like I am helping myself but I am not.I could get therapy session but i feel like it is pointless.This make me empty, alone and that I am too far gone, that my life is over, it feel like i have so many problems yet it feel like i do not have any or that they are too small.These past couple of days are just me escaping and ignoring my problem. I feel i will not see an happy ending to life",Depression +22309,"it is night, and I am crying again for no reason. Fuck, I wish the numbness would come back. I have I need something to do, but I cannot stop crying. it is all silent too because I do not want any damned speech about how this is all my fault and that I should have expected this. I know all that shit already. it is practically a worn trench in my mind at this point. All that does is push me more to become an alcoholic, an inevitability at this point.And if it is not the little condescending spats, it is the pointed accusiations or laughs at me being a damned crybaby. it is like that with every emotion, tears or smiles or whatnot.Please, I just want that emptiness back. At least it is safer than any of the alternatives. I just want to be the little robot they all want me to be. that will get me till I am old enough to die of mysterious circumstances or an accident. Whichever comes first, I do not care. The emptiness was nice",Depression +22310,"My ultimate dream was travelling to my dream country, I have been asking my parents for almost 4 years now and yet I am still here. We do not even have economic problems, I still do not understand why they do not want to make me happy at least for once in my life. I would sell anything I own just to visit my favourite country ever. My dad's always at work but once he comes home I always speak to him about this dream and he would always ignore me, my mom says to tell my dad, or just makes me believe in some of many of her illusions, like in December 2018 when she promised to bring me there. Plus I hate the city I live in and I do not really have any friends I can trust. And I am not used to speak to my siblings about this, also because they live abroad. I have always got good grades and still cannot understand why. Today my mom has FINALLY told me the truth, which is that she does not care and said ""bad for you"" out of nowhere. And yes, the flight is very cheap. And also shout-out to my uncle for contributing too. My parents have successfully crushed my biggest dream",Suicidal +22311,This is just torture. They still do lobotomies. I have had a chemical lobotomy.Every day is just another day I wish I did not exist or was someone else. I am in an institution so its not easy for me to order something and be done with it. I want to die. I do not live. Please let me die. I am suffering. No one understands. They think it is depression. I am living in a Kafka reality where it is now impossible to feel the pleasures every one takes for granted. I want to die. Neuroleptic suffering,Suicidal +22312,"I do not even know where to begin on what is ""wrong"" with meSometimes I feel completely empty, numb , lifeless. Other times I feel ALOT like, I cannot even tell what I feel but it is just so much of it. Sometimes I feel like I am lying and pretending something is wrong then the next minute I wish I was dead. I hate the way I look, the way I am, the way I act, my body/clothes/personality. I switch up between wanting to live in a huge jumper/hoodie and wanting to dress like a princess. I keep having flashbacks to traumatic events or even events that have never happened. I hate being around people, I hate talking to people. I feel like I need to be ""normal "" but racing through my mind 24/7 is just every dark thought 1 minute I will be happy cheery etc then the next I will wish I was dead. Sometimes I lie in bed and do nothing. I am heavily reliant on nicotine and caffeine. I am a gambling addict and drink alcohol and take anxiety meds to feel okay I cannot believe anything nice anyone says to me. They do not know the real me, they do not understand who I am and I feel so much guilt that I have deluded and tricked them. I am pushing my bf away at least once a day. Telling him I am crazy, causing fights.He will not give up on me and I have no idea what his game is..he gets literally no benefit from being with me. Sometimes I am hypersexual and kinky, other times I would probably have a meltdown if someone touched me. I tried to get therapy but my therapist says I need to get assessed from a doctor and be more stable before continuing to treatment. My doctors appointment is in a few days and I have no idea what I am telling him...I have no idea what I am doing... Crazy",Depression +22313,"i have not contemplated suicide in 8 days. i was in a horrible place just one month ago, was admitted to the psych ward, and now I am somewhat happy. my depression, social anxiety and ocd are finally under control. i can literally just socialize without sweating from fear, or my brain fogging up to the point where i can barely speak. its insanewhen i see my friends I am talkative again - I am the guy they grew up with, instead of the depressed, quiet shithead who showed up and never spoke. i find myself genuinely enjoying things again. one month ago, fun or happiness was a feeling i had not felt in years. my self-esteem has improved too. one month ago, i was completely convinced that i was a worthless, horrible person who deserved to burn in hell. i was convinced i was useless and capable of nothing. now, i think I am an ordinary human being. i matter as much as everyone else does. I am not inferior to my friends or family. I am a regular guy, I am me, and I am not a bad person. i feel like I have unlocked the world. there is so much out there for me to do, so many people to meet and talk toits not all perfect. I am still extremely lazy. ill have bad days. i continue to have ptsd flashbacks, and i still struggle with addiction. but every emotion i feel, feels like it occurs naturally. one month ago this was the last thing i wanted to hear, but things really do get better. i hope that everyone reading this gains at least a sliver of hope for the future. One month of Zoloft, and...",Suicidal +22314,"Well it is most likely the cancer, anyways. The doctors like to make me feel better by saying there is a chance it will be benign, but so far it never has been. Every test has come back as bad news, which just leads to more tests and more uncertainty. The pain in my hips has come back, and knowing I have a fresh mass in my liver that is already 5cm across....it freaks me out. It was not there when I had surgery in the beginning of may, which means it is spreading, and fast. I was feeling ok for a couple weeks, but the pain is coming back and I am scared for the abdominal pain to come back...that was the worst. The hurt in my hip is like a constant dull ache that is always bothering me, but the pain in my abdomen was like always feeling like puking but never actually puking, along with stabbing pain if I moved wrong. I do not want that again. I even talked to my doctor about going back to work and she said go for it if I feel okay, but what if I do not actually feel okay? What if it just keeps getting worse? Will I ever be back to normal? Will I be able to go back to school in the fall? Will I be able to finish my degree or will the cancer completely derail the one goal I had finally started to crawl towards? I have a biopsy scheduled in 2 weeks and I am scared for that; my first biopsy did not give conclusive results that lead to 4 months of waiting for surgery bc no one thought it was serious. I am terrified of that happening again.I am just so full of uncertainty and I am scared and I feel like I am not valid for feeling any of it. People have it worse than I do, so my brain tells me I do not get to be upset. But I am. But I do not want to be. I am conflicted. I am upset. I want to sleep so I do not have to feel.Forgive the rant, but thank you if you read through my woes anyways. The cancer has spread to my liver",Depression +22315,Suicidal thoughts in my head do not know how to let go. Lost in my head as time flies by with no one at my side. Stress eating away at my bones. Mind slowly decaying in the madness. I am to far from the shore Now do not know if Ill ever get back. Sacred that I am losing this battle with myself. everyone is gone now. Empty on the inside nothing but a black hole. do not know if Ill ever feel something real. life is pointless. what is the point of this pain and suffering. I just Smoke the pain away every night but still left with these thoughts of suicide and knowing death is the end of everything no pain no sadness just peace. I am so alone I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. i want to break my hand sometimes or crash my car just to feel something. I wished I would have died on that highway last year but I guess I am still here who knows for how long. Suicidal thoughts,Depression +22316,"I do not think I can handle being depressed as fuck one day, then just tired the next. Then gold to go another. Then depressed. Then angry energetic. I am telling you this is exhausting. Forgot to do my journal entry for the last 2 days but oh well it was just me studying. Ever since I took responsibility for my depression bipolar whatever it is I have felt freedom. I do not care what the hell is going on anymore. I have a goal I wrote down and I am obsessing over it now. All I see are this goal. I might feel like dogshit while going for this goal but who cares.I made a vow I will hot my targets by this time next year or I am dead. Literally. I think I am bipolar.",Depression +22317,"I think I want to do this, just do not want to give myself permanent brain damage. I do not have access to firearms but have a sturdy rope and a place in the woods. I wrote a note to each family member explaining the situation. Most of them are already aware of how terrible I am doing. I have tried everything over the past half a year. Medicine, pseudo science, religion, exercise, a more exciting social life, traveling you name it. Any last advice? Hi",Suicidal +22318,this version is the correct one. I do not want to wait in suffering anymore and my suffering is permanent. You can gool yourselves with the bullshit you can not know what the future brings yet only experince I had was misery and loneliness and a fucked up brain. One day you will not find a person that wants to live. The world stinks and we are going down with it drowning in our shit.Bye a permanent solution that everyone will eventually experience to a permanent problem,Suicidal +22319,"My brother has severe depression and anxiety. He has trouble sleeping and always calls himself worthless. My parents bought him a puppy because he always wanted one and thought it would make him happier. It did and him and the dog would do everything together. Just took the dog to the vet today and found out it has leukaemiaA very sad day. My brother is falling apart as I am writing this, what am I supposed to do My brother just cannot get a break :(",Depression +22320,"Everything goes to shit regardless of how hard I try to be okay, no matter how much I fight everything always comes crumbling down. Why do I even try to live anymore? what is the point? This world is so cold, I am just a burden, I only make things worse. I do not deserve to live in this world. Why do I even try?",Suicidal +22321,"I am so done with life, my job sucks, place is trash, vehicle is a piece, I keep self sabotaging myself when it comes to friendships and relationships. I should of off myself in 2019, but I thought getting a dog would help, and it did for a while, hes the only thing that is keeping me from hanging from a noose. I have tried talking and meds, none of it works, maybe some people are just not meant to be alive till they are old. I am over life",Depression +22322,"Hello everyone, I met this girl online and I do not want her to do anything bad. Pls tell me how can I help her. she is uninterested in life. I have got an online friend whose depressed and I want her to live, how do i help her.",Depression +22323,"i am doing so many things so fast. It feeels like I am shutting down or malfunctioning or something. the back and fourth is wearing down my machinery or something. it is too harsh and sudden and it never ends. am I tired? it is like 5 am I have not slept I did not realize it got this late. I do not feel tired I feel high, and light and floaty, like I can fly. it feels like the world is eternally ending. like I am stuck in a blaze of fire in the split seccond before I disintegrate. the world is very strang and beatiful and I wish I could share that with others. they do not see the world as vibrantly as i do, but also it scares me. I can do anything, I am doing so much, I think that is kindof how I just am all the time. my life is very intense adn exciting and unstalble, I think this is more so, my head is al fuzzy. and purple. I am very gently. it feels like the world is ending. my legs hurt from pacing. i need to move more. I do not know naything, I am a genius, how do I now that anything is real. moving is heaveyier. like the signaal is not comming through right, i want to sleeep forever. I want calm. it feels like tim ei s rfrozen//. i cannot trust anyone. they canread my mind. this is not sustainable. I cannot stop feels like the world is imploding into me",Suicidal +22324,"I feel like it changed me irreversibly. No one understands that I do not really want to exist, and most of the time I am just trudging along because I would feel guilty about the grief they would go through.I do not want to be here, but I do not want to hurt anyone either, so I guess I will just try my best to be patient.Mostly I wish I had some purpose. I cannot find anything meaningful to do and being stuck at home due to lockdown restrictions is making it very difficult. Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of the first time I attempted.",Suicidal +22325,"My Suicide Note: was just a passengerthere were rules to which obeyed, standarts...Living in a charade thy was all. No real purpose can save you when you are mentally ill. I have OCD non responsive to meds. Everday I lose a part of my identity. Constant fight beetween two spheres of my brain. I was a star dust and I am ready and fulfilled in life to go back to where everthing started. I love my friend Yamur which is a mix of passion and love and charity. I can do anything for her if I had been healthy enough.I love my family too they matter a lot. But I can not tolerate my daily melancholic suicidal depression and obsessions just for the sake of them. The world has no rules on grand scale no justice no purpose. we have to distract our mind and create and illusion each second just to forget we exist. Yes we exist and this must be a bad joke. We are walking to the eventual death of us each day. Some of us only suffer while some of us can be happy in their distraction.For example the girl I loved we are texting only Ilove her so much without even seeing her face and voice. Yet I know she will never meet with me nor can I touch her ever. On top of that void calls me. I always dreamt of jumping from bosphurus bridge. Before jumping I ll look to mu childhood photos family photos and the photos of the girl I deeply fell love in. I do not want to lose and tarnish this love. Call me coward probably right. Anyway sleeping pills and jumping from Bosphurus to crystsl blue current will be my choice. Maybe the only time I would be free just before dying. Such a misery. I will become a part of eternal silence until maybe I revorn again after for example another Big Bang. or maybe never who knows maybe we a simulation of a 4th grade student out of our real . And some day our universr will cease to exist to no avail.I want to thanks to reddit which is full of nice and also weird people. people who shows their true selves.I love you Yamur and it ll be forever.And my family do not morn after me for finally am I free.In another life brothers bye. Die just as you born from nothing become nothing... suicide note",Suicidal +22326,"Got very drunk and hit my head pretty hard a few days ago, because of that I was a massive burden on my family.I decided to live for the sake of my family, they cannot get nothing done without me anyway so I doubt they would manage without me haha. My car is super duper illegal and I do not want to drive the little dude in winter, so my beloved little Mazda will be getting a full tank of premium (only fuel without any ethanol in it) and some fuel stabilizer, I will be fogging up the cylinders too.it will be up on jack stands for at least a year until then I will be doing things on it slowly but surely and once I am financially secure again I will be bribing some inspectors to get it legal.I got no idea what is up, exactly but somehow hitting my head and playing lots of yakuza beforehand has helped my depression, maybe more the yakuza part as Majima has somehow become my most favorite fictional character.Either way, I somehow got out of something I was sure would end fatally, I will just have to endure having to listen to the story of how I almost choked on my vomit for the next 10 years.Anyway I hope you all have a good one, it is time for this account to end as its name does not apply anymore and it is also time for me to find some econobox.Cheers. Looks like I am sticking around",Suicidal +22327,"there were rules to which obeyed, standarts...Living in a charade thy was all. No real purpose can save you when you are mentally ill. I have OCD non responsive to meds. Everday I lose a part of my identity. Constant fight beetween two spheres of my brain. I was a star dust and I am ready and fulfilled in life to go back to where everthing started. I love my friend Yamur which is a mix of passion and love and charity. I can do anything for her if I had been healthy enough.I love my family too they matter a lot. But I can not tolerate my daily melancholic suicidal depression and obsessions just for the sake of them. The world has no rules on grand scale no justice no purpose. we have to distract our mind and create and illusion each second just to forget we exist. Yes we exist and this must be a bad joke. We are walking to the eventual death of us each day. Some of us only suffer while some of us can be happy in their distraction.For example the girl I loved we are texting only Ilove her so much without even seeing her face and voice. Yet I know she will never meet with me nor can I touch her ever. On top of that void calls me. I always dreamt of jumping from bosphurus bridge. Before jumping I ll look to mu childhood photos family photos and the photos of the girl I deeply fell love in. I do not want to lose and tarnish this love. Call me coward probably right. Anyway sleeping pills and jumping from Bosphurus to crystsl blue current will be my choice. Maybe the only time I would be free just before dying. Such a misery. I will become a part of eternal silence until maybe I revorn again after for example another Big Bang. or maybe never who knows maybe we a simulation of a 4th grade student out of our real . And some day our universr will cease to exist to no avail.I want to thanks to reddit which is full of nice and also weird people. people who shows their true selves.I love you Yamur and it ll be forever.And my family do not morn after me for finally am I free.In another life brothers bye. My Suicide Note: was just a passenger",Depression +22328,"I am tired of waking up everyday just to feel like I am trying to survive, and failing at it. Hopeless",Depression +22329,I will not be remembered for anything and Ill die as nothing =),Depression +22330,"Follow these tips to lower your depression and tiredness:1. do not drink more than one cup of coffee in a day under any circumstances. And that one cup drink it only in the morning...not at any other time of day. More than one cup increases depression. And drink one cup of tea in the evening if possible2. Reduce screen brightness of phone and laptop?computer. And download f.lux for laptop/computer and twilight app for phone. These apps reduce blue light coming from screens. Blue light affects sleep and makes us tired.3. Go to sleep half hour early than you are doing now, and wake up half hour early.4. Take b complex pills ( pills containing b vitamins), one a day for a week and one very alternate day after that for a month.5. And visit a therapist and a psychiatrist. Take counselling and medication both. It works wonders.6. do not drink more than two sodas (softdrinks) a week. I give a shit about all of you. Read these tips to lower your depression and increase your energy levels.",Depression +22331,I am afraid people are going to try to hurt me sometimes. I feel like everyone is against me and it makes me so angry I want to kill myself. Everyone just hates me because they see me as sub human trash. I am afraid people are really against me,Suicidal +22332,"I am dealing with grief at the moment and I feel so alone. I feel like I have disconnected from everybody. I am so tired of feeling like having people care about me is something I need to ask for, just because I am outwardly self-sufficient. I am still human. Grief & loneliness",Depression +22333,"Two of the worst things that ever happened to me happened in July. I was raped, then a few days later I was in a massive accident that ruined my spine, leaving me immobile from the pain for a year. I lost my twenties to this shit. I cannot get my life back. there is no point and I am sooooo fucking tired of the it gets better, do it for someone else. People are awful. They just ruin your and themselves and others. You ruin others. I ruin them. I am tired of dreaming of the ways Id do it. I just want the courage to actually go. I hate this world and everyone in it. July is Awful",Suicidal +22334,"I hate myself for what I did to me and the others. I want to stop existing so badly, I really do because even if I had everything in this shitty existence I would still think the same, a family to live for? Even if I had one who is worth it, I do not want a family (toxic or not does not matter I just do not want a family), friends? I do not have any and I do not want to have because they are just going to use me and throw me away when I am no longer useful to them, but you know even if I could have a good freind I do not want it because I find interacting with humans boring, to tell you truth I think about dying everyday and that thought crossed my mind a billion times, I am not going to lie, I already tried to end it with a knife in my heart but I could not do it.. lol I even failed at my own suicide, living or I should say existing (because I am not living) become exhausted, I mean how can you find joy in this world when ure mentally numb, I do not feel anything, and I am my religion it is taboo to commit suicide,so I have been thinking about this subject 2 years and I did not even find an answer to my questions, so rn the only reason why I did not tried a third time (yeah the second time was when I was trying to suffocate myself but did not work unfortunately) is due to my religion. I am a hopeless person, I trie to be nice to others even when they insult, hate me for absolutely no reasons and I hate myself for it, and my dad told me that when I was a child I almost died, I was sick and instead of taking me to a doctor, the woman who gave brith to me choose instead to go shopping, and my dad was against it but he did not want to start a fight so he let her go, while I was suffocating on the arms of my dad(and to this day, my dad and I are the only who knows about it) , funny right? But I do not blame her (even if she is the because of my childhood trauma) and if ure suicidal then I am sure you know why I do not blame her :) it would because I wanted to die that day but god chose to let me live unfortunately.Anyway sorry for wasting ur time if you read all this, it is just that I wanted to express how I feel because it is the first time I can.. Good luck if ure suffering too. do not read it waste of time :)",Suicidal +22335,Should I tell my parents I have depression? This is kind of new to me so I do not know what to do. Any tips? Depression,Depression +22336,I sit here hating every part of me. Wishing when I attempted this shit 12 years ago I would have succeeded. Here I am 12 years have past and all my thoughts during some of my worst times have resurfaced. I am not worth being here especially because I hurt my best friend and the only person who cared for me. I cannot do a damn thing to change it or even make it better. I have been through enough breakups but none like this. I cannot stand the thought of how much I hurt this person. I already hated myself way before this but she has slowly tried to work through those insecurities. They were never fully gone thought. If I lose her then it will also be the first time I would go living without the kids but she right to say they should not be split up. All this is the worst timing because we are suppose to move to the next town over in a month. But if she leaves she will stay here so the kids do not have to transfer. But I am getting off topic. The thought of not being able to have her in my life and not have that one person to turn to sucks. This girl would have been better off if I died 12 years ago so she would have never had the chance to meet me. She gave me the best 8 years of my life and I would rather die with these memories instead of going right back down that dark path I know I am heading for. I wish I could just pull the trigger! I am such a fuck up. I just want to be done with it all.,Suicidal +22337,"Everyday that I am not high I honestly struggle to find a reason to keep going. Everything about my life sucks and I have no one to blame but myself.I recently graduated college, which I only attended because I did not know what else to do with my life. The last few weeks of school I was such a wreck that anytime I was not high was spent crying uncontrollably and, at one point, cutting off all my hair. A few weeks later I quit the only job I managed to get. It was across the country and I had no idea what I was doing and had no access to weed to damper my depression and self-hate. Now I am back home, sharing a room with my brother who is ten years younger than me (It was either that or sharing a room with my three sisters). And everyday I realize how much of a bother I am. My siblings should not have to worry about some dead beat 22 year old taking up their resources. My mom should not have to drive me to work because I was too stupid to get a license in college.So my days are spent high or at my minimum wage job as a fast food cashier. At nights, if I am lucky, I get to hang out with a guy who only suffers through my presence when he wants someone easy to f*ck. 90% of the time tho, I am just laying in bed staring at the wall wondering why I do not just give up already.I literally hate myself so much. Why am I the way that I am. Why cannot I be better. Sometimes I wish I could just claw myself out of my skin and stop being me. My Life is a Joke",Depression +22338,I feel so much guilt for I did something unforgivable. There is no other way out. Its for everyone is benefit. I have to kill myself. Today.,Suicidal +22339,"Everyone that exists has a 'chaos' level. Basically, to sum it up, it is the amount of chaos you are prone to in your life as a whole. The universe or something decides this when you are born and you have to learn to live with it. Neurotypicals, rich people, pretty people, etc, do they have struggles? Yes. Absolutely. But their struggles are completely separate from the type of chaos I am talking about. I am talking about the type of chaos exemplified by people like me- bad childhood, mental illness, bad genes, etc etc etc. Ultimately, I have learned to cope with it all as much as I possibly can. But I think for people like me, 'coping' will never be enough. There will never be a full month of my life where I am not severely suicidal for at least a week of it. I will never have true stability like other people do because there are just so many areas of my life that are in shambles. I cannot possibly change because of how *fundamental* these issues are when it comes to actually being able to be happy on a daily basis. And then people say I can change, completely ignoring the word 'fundamental'. it is all bullshit. Some people get lucky and then those same people try to convince us that we could be like them if only we just 'kept at it'-Well let me tell you something, those people: I am the most optimistic person I know. Even after I finish writing this, I will probably smoke a bowl and watch netflix and then pass out. Rest assured, the suffering begins anew tomorrow, but there is always and always has been a shred of optimism at my core preventing me from leaving this shitty world. Yet it is not enough to stop constant mood swings and the listless other problems I seem to face on a daily basis. I could 'look at it' another way, but then how long until my meds stop working again, or another psychiatrist leaves? I cannot do this. I will, but I cannot. Maybe some of you will find that hopeful. Personally, it is just another slap in the face. Being so terribly aware of how unfair life is and yet not being able to escape.I hope all of you browsing this subreddit find out you are actually one of the people with a manageable amount of natural chaos. But my eternal curse is constantly managing to convince myself that I am. I think I finally figured it out",Suicidal +22340,I am not ready to coherently respond to other people interacting with me. I am not ready to feel phisical pain and anxiety related to it. I just want to go back to sleep. I am not ready to live another day,Depression +22341,"I am not sure why I did it tonight. I just felt like I wanted to. I did 4 cuts total but only 3 of them bled. It was not even dripping just drops. Same tiny razor blade, slapped a smaller bandage on. It does not sting as much as last night, just feel it throbbing. I had a pretty ok day today, just longing for my ex. I am hurting but not physically, even if the pain in my heart slowly becomes physical I made a new friend, he asked to hang out tomorrow. I hope better days are coming or I might have to upgrade to something bigger soon Its me, the guy that did 4 cuts last night, I did another 3 tonight",Suicidal +22342,"Well I could, but I really do not see the point. I cannot do this anymore.",Suicidal +22343,"weirdly it is because I am just, absolutley elated. I am too happy to care about myself. all th eups and downs are tireing. I want to sleep but I have too much energy would not actively kill myself but if someone gave me a button and said I would die if I pressed it, i would press it",Suicidal +22344,"so, i just cried for the first time since i was 9 (4.5 years ago). I am in shock, I have tried to cry before but now, just out of nowhere i... cry. I cried",Depression +22345,"I do not know how, but I will do it. I cannot handle it. Yes, I am weak. I am a failure. that is all I want to say. I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +22346,"Every fond memory, every briefly happy period or good feeling, everything positive about my past has turned in a vector for suffering. Nothing even has to happen for my depression to kick into overdrive anymore, I just have lose control of my thoughts long enough to find myself slipping back into any memory or hear a song, cannot even wear my favourite fucking cologne anymore because the smell holds so many memories. The good ones are worse than the bad ones at this point because at least the bad ones were just bad, I do not have to miss them. But the good ones were good once upon a time, but now they are just reminders of everything I had and how I did not even appreciate it at the time.My childhood memories, the few that are not tainted are just reminders of how I used to be able to get excited about things, feel things. Memories of carefree hangouts I got to have with old friends only make me think about how I have got no one, how I do not talk to any of those people anymore, how I ruined the best friendship I have ever had, how even if I could somehow be back around all those people again it would not be the same because I cannot be carefree like that anymore, I am too riddled with guilt and shame about doing things like drinking.Its been two years since I have had anything positive at all to commit to memory, life has just been dragging on and as depressing as its been, I think its actually better than the alternative. I have lost every single good thing I had, I just do not think its worth the trade any more. Seems to me that if you do get something good, you are more likely than not to just lose it and leave you feeling worse than you ever have before.My memories have become a minefield, stepping into any one of them is destructive for me. My brain has become my own personal circle of hell. My good memories have become worse than my than my bad ones",Depression +22347,"Just FYI I feel the depression taking over. I was good for a couple of weeks now I feel a 1000lb weight on my head. Nice. I feel all the feels worthless, ugly, might as well not be here Short vent but I am fucking over it Its sinking in",Depression +22348,"I do not know how much longer I can do this shit. I am so tired. I am so hurt I do not even care anymore, I just let the bad shit pile on because what is the point in fighting it. I will just sit here and watch my life waste away, and watch zero fucking people give a shit. The best I can expect from my husband is him pretending to care so he can convince himself he is not a narcissistic sociopath. No one cares. So fuck it. Fuck it",Depression +22349,"When I was around 10-13 years old, I was very social and made people like me. However, since I left my country at 13 y o I became an outcast. Since the first day of school, I was bullied and made fun of without the ability to defend myself because I did not speak the language of the country I went to. I was so excluded that I had to aimlessly walk in circles in the middle school's playing ground because nobody wanted to talk to me. I felt so awkward. I even followed the other kids in hopes of them including me but I was completely ignored. I was like a ghost to them. Everybody seemed to have fun. It destroyed me to point of shattering my true self-esteem. I endured two years at that middle school then we moved out to another city. At that point, I craved human interaction, was at my ugliest, and started self-harming. Out of nowhere, a girl in my class sees my fresh self-harming scars and tells me that she did the same thing, trying to dissuade me from continuing that practice. We even started chatting on social media trying to ease each other's pain. that is until I told her that I wanted to end it all and that I loved her. She threatened to call the police, which changed my mind. But that destroyed the bond that we developed and, like a dick, I started trying to guilt her into loving me. Things went south and long story short I became known as the depressed, self-harming, crying-in-school kid (teachers knew about the hit that I did). A status that I would not wish on my worst enemies. Fast forward to my first year of high school. I am still a shadow of my former self trying but I thought that I was reformed. Especially after befriending some friends. I acquired a gym membership and even willingly did a speech to my class, at the end of the year talking about how people change, how our class was perfect class accepting of everyone, and being a microcosm that could meticulously project our society. A microcosm where we can find the future: artists, doctors, architects, engineers, and more. Ending the speech with the confession of my love to a girl. Everything seemed going right. ""I am improving,"" I said to myself. Then year 2 comes. The whole year, my ""friends"" and I only talked in school. Rarely texting and we do it is for me being used as a tool for something. I spent all the holidays alone on my pc trying to lie on myself saying things like ""I do not need friends anyway"", ""I am happy"". Sometimes, I unveil my true feelings and start crying by the least trigger such as reading about how much people are having fun in their lives. I hate it when I see people happy. I hate god. I hate my life. I hate the wealthy who can do whatever the fuck they want (and do not fkn tell me how money does not buy happiness because a depressed wealthy person is \*100 better than a poor depressed person) And I certainly would have driven a fkn spear to my heart if it was not for the fact that I am a coward and that my parents have already paid for my college preparation year. GOD BE DAMNED FOR HAVING MADE ME INTO THIS FUCKING UGLY CREATURE WITH NOTHING SPECIAL, JUST TO TORMENT ME. I hate this world",Depression +22350,"Is it really meant for anyone? Anyone but the richest of the rich or those who have control over people? If you have enough control you can convince anyone of anything, you can make them question their reality and their life, who they are and their own morals. Honestly I think part of me died in 2016. I always think about that year and how awful it was. Getting evicted with my mother, my ex friend dating someone twice her age and getting mad at me when I said that it was weird, memes turning from silly cats and animations to compilations of people getting made fun of for things they have no control over. Sure maybe some of that shit existed before then but man was that a fucked up year, and I have never felt personal peace since. I think it was the year my childhood got wrecked, I had to enter reality hard and fast and I have never been able to heal from it since. I do not think I belong in this world, I do not think its worth living in. Honestly once the internet became a necessity the world has taken a nose dive in my eyes. I wish we could live without it again. I wish we were not so dependent. I wish every word, action, and thought I put out was not recorded. I want to hide my past self and forget my trauma, I want to be a new person. But the idea of any info, any thing I said when I was young or anything I shared that was private can now be possibly shared with anyone. I feel like I am not worthy of this world. I am one of the scum that is selfish and needy, I can never live a normal life again, I cannot keep things in the past because everyone will always want to find out. I want to kill myself for the sake of the planet, one less body to deal with, one less worthless soul to hear beg for mercy. This might be the most annoying post I have ever made in the way that is like I am so smart way but man I truly am upset with how humanity functions, why cannot we live like dogs or something were we do not come up with stupid meaningless bullshit to attach worth too. This world is not meant for me",Suicidal +22351,"This is a lengthy post but its a summary of my life so far. The time line is a little jagged but that is only because I am in so much pain and I just want to put this out, I apologize if its a bit messy with typos, punctuation and grammatical errors. Depending on who reads this, this might seem like an anonymous post ...or not. I am in my 30's and I am just not in a happy place right now, actually I have not been for a while now. A brief insight into my life. I have not had one. I come from a poor background and also from a poor country. As a kid I grew up in a religious household, that is not to say there is anything wrong with being religious as I am a christian myself but in this case my family thought it would be our way out of poverty, it was not. My father became a pastor and I had to maintain a certain code of holiness from a very young age, I could not express myself as I wanted as I had to maintain this ""code"". My mother made home made pastries locally and I aided in the production of the pastries as well as supplying the products within the neighbourhood, so my early years was basically going to school, making the rounds to supply pastries and then going to Church, after a while the church closed down as we could not handle the financial demands to keep up with the Church, my father was a good pastor and a good man and never thought of taking advantage of his members for financial reasons. I graduated from high school and I had hopes of my family coming together to support me with my plans of getting a higher education because deep down I knew very well that as a family they could if they wanted to, but they did not, I figured it was down to me to raise the money required to go to college, I managed to do this at about 18/19 years old, I raised some money which I intended to use for my education but I could not use it for that purpose and here is why - At the early age of 19, I started providing for my family- paid the house rent, food etc you name it, I provided it, it was not just me though I had some assistance from my immediate elder brother. Now make no mistake, this is a large family and I am the last child. So basically I did not have a life as an adolescent and I did not have a life as a teenager as I became some sort of ""family man"" or ""bread winner"" at the age of 19. This made me skip my entire teenage life completely as I was more concerned with helping out with in the family naively looking for a pat on the back and the occasional prayer and well wishes from my family, this made me ignore my plans of going to the university. Somewhere at around the age of 25 years old, I had planned to move rent my own apartment and apply for college but the guilt of being on my own while my family struggled to pay for the rent stopped me from doing that. I was afraid they would think of me as someone who was selfish and uncaring (they eventually went on to think of me that way anyway, I once caught my mother and one of my brothers talking about how frugal I was and how I was a ""wicked"" person). I decided to stay with my family, I paid the rent from when I was 19 till I when I turned 30, when I turned 30, my parents decided to move back to the family home in the country area (I also financed most of the developments in this country home but that is a long story). I was now left in the apartment with my immediate elder brother, during this time I remembered my plan for college and started asking myself why I never acted on it, I had totally depleted my funds by this time so going to college seemed impossible as I still had to contribute to the house rent, my immediate elder brother contributed as well. Along the line I made some investment in digital currency , nothing much but just a decent amount, fast forward some years later and the boom happened, I got a good return on my investment and I decided to give even more to my family (again), I sent some money to my parents, My elder sister was due in a few months so I also gave her some substantial amount of money and then I gave my brother who I shared he apartment with some of the money so he could invest in himself and start a business. and I gave him some money to buy a used car and together we decided to move into a better apartment. After a while, we had a little argument, a very silly little argument,my brother became very angry and then he told me that he has been keeping this information away from me but the entire family have been talking behind my back and they ALL wanted me to move or travel away so they could move on and be happy, he told me my sister (the same one I gave some financial help for her kids) he told I had no friends and I was socially inept and this really hurt me because I felt betrayed by my family. This is the same family I literally sacrificed my entire life for - I lost contacts with my friends when they all went to college and I stayed back helping with the needs of my family, I never had the time or privacy to have a relationship or a girlfriend, I never had my own apartment, I never had the chance to learn how to drive a car, I never had the chance to go to college and looking back, I never had a birthday party despite the fact that my older siblings have had numerous ones, the excuse my parents made was that I was born when when the financial situation of the family got worse and to some extent I get where they are coming from and I hate to sound selfish or insensitive but surely somewhere between when I was one year old to my age currently, there could have been some sort of birthday party or at least something that the family could do to show some kind of appreciation and gratitude..... maybe i am just being silly. I would admit I might have seemed down and sad sometimes but that was only because I was depressed, sometimes I find myself day dreaming about the changes I could make if I had a time machine, yes its silly but that is just how I feel about my life and how I totally messed it up by forgetting myself and my needs. I neglected all these things because I prioritized the needs of my family over that of myself and to hear that my family now think of me as a source of negativity or as someone who they need to get rid off totally broke me, I am stronger than hurting myself and I know that is not an option and would never be an option for me but it just seems a lot right now. I have not been able to sleep for days as I have been wondering how it all went wrong for me. I thought about leaving my properties - clothes, laptop, phone (these are all I have anyway) and just walk away to a totally different place for months, just so I could make my family know how I feel, maybe make them think something happened to me but I decided against that as my parents are old right now and I would not want to because some kind of health issues for them. I had a phone conversation with my mom and I told her what I had planned to do and why I decided against it and she was crying on the phone, I stopped myself from crying but she has been calling since I told her, when I ask why she keeps calling she says she just wants to talk but I know she is worried that I might hurt myself, this made me feel so much pain that I had tears running down my eye while I was on the phone with her but I really held back so she would not hear the pain in my voice. I am really not sure what to do now. I would be deleting this very soon as this is very personal for me and I do not want it out there, my brother also visits reddit sometimes and I do not want him to see this, I do not want this out there but I had to talk about it. What would you recommend I do now? How do I heal? what do I do now?",Depression +22352,"I am working on my self, I am taking better care of my body I drink more water and eat properly, i bought new clothes I even bought hair care products.And things were better for a while but always things go downhill shortly after.It feels like happiness have a heavy unfair price.Makes you want to give and stop trying, stop putting effort because it is all pointless. Why this always happens to me? Why good things rarely happens and shortly later they blow up on my face?",Depression +22353,"I feel tense, worried and stressed. I cannot enjoy summer break cannot enjoy summer break",Depression +22354,what is the point of living if no one cares or trys to understand your problems? I do not want to live like that. I am lonely and broken. No one is going to come save me from this lonliness and because of that I do not want to live. Why should I even bother with life,Suicidal +22355,"I have had maybe two girls in my life tell me I am attractive. Sometimes I believe them, but most of the time I do not. It should be fairly obvious that you are attractive when you are attractive. To me, on most days (especially recently) I am just an unemployed and lonely loser who possess no attractive features whatsoever.I look good in some photos but anything taken on a smartphone makes me look terrible. I do not get how people take good photos of themselves, and I think how shit I look compared to them is making me realize that I really might be disgusting looking... no matter how good I look in more ""professional"" photos taken with DSLRs. I also feel this way every time after I shave lmao. Idk I am probably coming across as a psychopath which I may or may not be. Either way I would like to die Why live when you are/feel ugly as shit",Suicidal +22356,"I am complete failure ,I am ugly as hell I am failing in my college exam so badly I am poor and broke never had any gf in my life who can console me ,my friends make fun of me for not having a gf in 28 year age and dying as virgin , and all people in my community see me as complete failure I just want to shot myself in head to make sure ugly creature like me does not exist in this earth I just want to kill myself",Suicidal +22357,"I have been broken, and honestly, abused by people I loved and cared for. I can never be the person I want to be, on a fundamental level. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I do not feel safe in my own house. I am fucking drowning and there is nothing I can do but post stupid shit on the internet and hope someone listens. I am in so much pain. Every day I fall further and further from myself and I can never be the person I want to be",Depression +22358,"So its been a good 3-4 months since I have been really depressed and thought about killing my self everyday (with failed attempts here and there as well) but every other day I get these suicidal thoughts. yesterday I had a knife in my hand and thought about cutting my self for a split second (since I have self harmed almost everyday 3-4 months ago). A couple of days ago I have also felt the feeling of the void which I am pretty sure many of you are aware of (feeling of emptiness), are these signs of relapse? Not depressed anymore but still feel suicidal",Suicidal +22359,"I am a 23 year old male. Never had any chance of finding love and having a girlfriend who actually supported me. In the past years I talked to women. Some with a bit more succes then others. Around New Year and Christmas I talked daily with a girl ans it felt good. Suddenly I found out she went in a relationship, claiming that it felt more like friendship than actual love. I asked her multiple times out for a date but time after time she denied due to Covid. After this major set back, I decided to give up on love until I found someone who has actual interest in me or someone who I think can fit my history and understand it. With that said I think I found someone (a co-worker) who shows interest in me. After a few times going out with her and some friends, is there this guy who literally fucks everyone and everything especially the ones who are drunk. Eventually, that guy and this girl ended up fucking each other last night, right after me driving her home safely.I keep telling myself that will chance over the weeks and months. I know it is true that she is still single so she can do whatever she wants but it feels unpleasant to know this. I feel like love is not cut out for me. I feel devestated and foolish once again. I am tired of waiting for the right person and putting energy that end does not end up well.Why is dating so complicated nowadays. I feel like love was not an option when God created me",Depression +22360,"There was this guy I met a few wks ago. It started with a post I made on reddit. Not quite sure on which subreddit he found it. Anyway, his first message was, what took you so long. And the rest was i could say history but it only lasted for a wk or two. It was short, I know. But it was the happiest and the saddest that I have ever been. Hes a very funny guy. We talk/chat for hours and all we did was laugh. We make fun of each other, make fun of other people, share funny experiences, he makes me really happy. I could die laughing with our conversations. It was hilarious! And that made me like him so much. In between those conversations, he would sneak in some sweet nothings. Hes very malambing as what we say it. Though sometimes he would be such a bully too. Fast forward to the weekend of 4th of July. He was suddenly gone. No calls, no messages, no nothing. Only to find out that he was with his ex girlfriend. He said his family invited her cos they did not know yet that they have broken up blah blah blah. So after a few days of nothing, he messaged me and explained everything. He said that he has no plans on getting back with her, he does not love her anymore, and that he likes me and missed me so much and would make it up to me bigtime. In short, I forgave him. A few days after that, he was gone again. For the second time! And guess what, he was with the ex AGAIN. He told me that the ex needed him to accompany her dad to the hosp, blah blah blah. I mean it is not his responsibility anymore. does not she have other friends?! Again, they have already broken up. So I told her that I guess he still loves her and his exact words were not as much as I want to love you. Oh cmon, cut the bullshit!! Clearly, I was just a rebound. And that was the end of it.I was crying for hours. The whole day, I was just staring at the ceiling, crying. Thinking that maybe I do not deserve to be happy. Maybe I do not deserve anyone. Maybe I am just meant to be alone forever. I do not deserve to be loved. I have been in quite a lot of heartbreaks to made me think that way. I have been single for 5yrs and most of them ghosted me or just left me or someone even said that I am too much for him. And I think that is how I developed my depression and anxiety. I have been meaning to see a doctor but I always make an excuse of how busy I am at work and that I do not have time or anything. But now, I am finally going to see one, in a few days. I already made an appointment. I do not know how severe it is. But I hope I could make it through. Idk what to expect. Idk what is going to happen next. I just hope I could survive this.Thanks for reading all this nonsense. Rebound",Depression +22361,I am 23 years old with two kids and a beautiful wife. I feel so hopefully everyday feels like the day I am going to die. Between her family and my family plus her friends no one likes who i am. She went on a trip with her friends this weekend and the one picture i see of her at night is passed out in a bar. I text her friend and she acts like she is fine and everything. I am getting to the point with this depression that i need answers on what to do with my life. I feel like i do not belong on this earth and i was a mistake being here. I have chronic migraines everyday so that dosent help with any of this. Her friends are just telling me that they also have mental health problems and i need to just let them handle her. Since I have been married for over four years i feel like i should be worried about my wife around them. I would never divorce my wife because how much she means to me and what she has done for me plus helping me from depression. Any suggestions what to think or do. Sorry if i rambled. Help with my depression,Depression +22362,"I am so unhappy with my life, I just lost my job. A place I really enjoyed going to, making friends and enjoying my first job out of college. I just lost my cat, I had to have emergency dental work that cost me $2,000, my dad is going to prison, I never see my boyfriend with his new job. My officer manager asked me to come in today and have a chat. I thought nothing of it, until I realized I was being let go. The only reason I was given, others do not believe you are a good fit.I feel dumb and stupid, a person who spent so much time going to school, getting a bachelors degree, fighting homeless and abuse. That I am not worth anything. I was bored at my job, it was a measly receptionist job at a law firm. Filled up waters for clients, cleaned up the office and filed paperwork. I wanted more responsibilities since I found myself with a lot of downtime, so I took it upon myself to try and see if any of the attorneys needed assistance. I thought I did my job very well and maybe a little over qualified for the amount of water I was doing. I guess they felt differently. I know Idid not agree with most of the political beliefs most of the other employees with open about, and at times when they would joke I would feel uncomfortable or at times left out. But I do not know. It took me months to find a job and now I am back at square one. Everything inside me wants to give up",Suicidal +22363,"I do not feel particularly sad or anxious or anything. I just feel like I am not worth much. I do not feel like I need to live, I do not feel I have some large purpose. I feel like I have done everything I need to do and that if I were dead, it would not matter. Like I feel more or less fine, just I feel at the same time, how am I worth ANYTHING?I even got prescribed an antidepressant lately that I do not even want to take and have not been taking, a large part of me does not think I want to feel better.I have no plan, nor am I going to take any action to kill myself, but this is just how I have been feeling. I do not Feel Extremely Depressed, but I still do not think I deserve to live.",Depression +22364,I need it to be over one way or another because I cannot stand this I really cannot. Just had an absolute gutful its my birthday in 17 days I think if I do not give in by then that will be the day. I am literally so sick and tired of suffering I have really had enough I just want it to all be over,Suicidal +22365,Just hoping i can drink enough to go to sleep without cutting myself tonight I am so depressed i cannot even masturbate,Depression +22366,"I see a lot of these "" i feel lonely "" posts on this subreddit and i feel the same way but i also feel kind of a hypocrite when i say so because I have lost so many friends lately because of multiple factors going on with my country, and some people moved on or were never the type to keep contact or care which is fine i made peace with that idea. But i also withdrew from other relationships because of the fear of being hurt, the possibility that i would be backstabbed again or potentially losing more people. I used to give so much effort and time and was really engaging with others now I am the total opposite and i have this self defense attitude that i cannot seem to shake or make other understand why I am behaving this way. In a way I am wishing for someone who resembled the old me in friendships to magically come along so i can open up to and be myself again, instead of biting the bullet and hope for the best. Maybe someone can relate",Depression +22367,"not so well atm I have been thinking what will happen after I die, are they going to cry? not well",Depression +22368,"Forgetting stuff. Yeah, mostly because I am so indifferent of what is happening around me. I think it is a common symptom. How do you guys deal with it? I am making a lot of mistakes",Depression +22369,"I am sorry if this makes no sense, but i have a real hard time putting a name to my emotions or even understanding them.lately I have been realizing i basically have no identity, i have no idea who i actually am. i do not have many interests because for some reason i find a new thing to like every few days, so i never just stick to one of them. i have emotionally abusive parents who have socially isolated me my entire life (no school, no friends, staying inside all the time), so i feel like I have had no opportunity to form a sense of self, if that makes sense? when i take those random personality tests and it asks how i act when things happen, i have no idea how to answer because I have never been around anyone but my family so i do not know how I would act in most situations. i have no aspirations in life. i do not feel like i can do anything even if i were to be passionate about something. I have also noticed my memory is absolutely terrible. i can only remember a handful of short memories from my past. i do not remember how my personality used to be or what i was even like. every single day has (for the most part) been the same for my entire life. its even hard to remember what i did yesterday because all the days just blend together. to make it worse, i have OCD which makes me feel like everything is wrong with me. since covid i think I have gotten worse, its like I am just a mindless thing floating through life. I am always trying to distract myself from feeling boredom and sadness by drowning myself in movies and shows. i seriously do not even know what i think or feel about things because i never let myself think for longer than necessary. its like sometimes I will catch myself not even feeling like a real person, and I am worried I will be like this my entire life. i do not feel like a real person",Depression +22370,"I have recently done some things I am not proud of. In fact, I am always a terrible person. I do not what is to blame. My upbringing? Or maybe that is how I really am. Just a cold, spiteful psychopath. I have hurt people. I have felt that no one really cares about me. Maybe that is true, but I have upset people. I always people are against me, when it is me against other people. I am a loser. I am basically a parasite to everyone. I have little compassion for others, and they end up hating me. I do not wish for death, rather, a way out. Enlightenment. I do not deserve a social life.",Depression +22371,"I am ready to do it, took 20 benzos pills plus alcohol yesterday but it was not enough. I just blacked out. How much more do I need to take to end it? How to do it?",Depression +22372,It really does not get better. Holy shit! That thought process might work to some people but I just cannot fathom a better day. I try to do tasks to make me feel better like my therapist says. I am so damn miserable. I hate myself so much. I think I am so worthless. I say that with no pity expected but just a general assessment of my life. I feel so alone. I just want to disappear yet I crave connection. The house that I am in triggers so many suicidal/depressive thoughts. I feel so sick of myself. I just want to escape and feel the warmth of life. I am so cold by the numbness of my mind. Worse,Suicidal +22373,I want to get on a dating app just to find a girl to cuddle with but I am no good for anybody..I just want to cuddle.. what a fucking loser So lonely,Depression +22374,"I have recently done some things I am not proud of. In fact, I am always a terrible person. I do not what is to blame. My upbringing? Or maybe that is how I really am. Just a cold, spiteful psychopath. I have hurt people, made them upset. I always people are against me, when it is me against other people. Fact is, I am a loser, and I should disappear. I should just, stop",Suicidal +22375,"We have struggled ever since I was in high school and now I am going back for my master's, and my dad and I discussed some old issues as I am prepping to return. I think he thought it went well, but now I am just pissed... I feel so angry and sad, I do not think our issues will ever be resolved... I just had a late night ""heart to heart"" with my dad, and it was okay until it was not.",Depression +22376,"My ex pressured me into sex and took advantage of me to fuck me. I said no I said I did not want to, but I went with it because he made me feel bad about soemthing I did. He just left and cut me off and I legit want to die I am so sick of my life I am so sick of everything I do not deserve this My ex just raped me and left",Suicidal +22377,"i am almost 8 months sober and I am falling apart. a shit ton of different traumas all bubbled to the surface around two weeks ago. the people i live with, my support system are on vacation for five weeks. they have not kept in contact with me much. i also have a nasty, painful tooth infection, which is triggering my health-based OCD. i am existing like a zombie. i can barely move right now. when i walk i move in slow motion. i feel like if someone tried to talk to me i would just stare at them because i do not have the energy to open my mouth. i do not know what is happening to me. all i know is that I am thinking about killing myself 24/7. i want to do it. but I am a picky piece of shit and there is only one way i want to go out, and that is by ODing on my DOC. and i cannot because i have no money. i think that is the only thing stopping me right now. my life is too messy to untangle. I am fucked financially, long-term. i have too much trauma. i do not feel close to anyone. i cannot accomplish anything. I am in so much physical pain. I am not smart. i feel too much. I am overwhelmed with grief from someone i lost to an OD over a year ago.I am hanging on by a thread, and its about to snap. please someone help me. please. please someone i need help. please",Suicidal +22378,"I have been depressed for a while and I have no one to vent to or talk to. I have no friends, no gf and only a mom and a brother to talk to. I am starting to think suicide is the only way out. To many things has happened to me which makes the cut even deeper. The only reason I have not done it yet is because i do not want to make my family grief. I have been thinking about suicide",Suicidal +22379, day is just painful too much this has to work I am not stopping imnot call the er i want the alexander pain to end i downed 2 of these so far on I am cutting hoping it all works to end me,Suicidal +22380,"Hi everyone. I am honestly trying anything at this point. I have been in therapy for nearly a decade on all anti depressants, psychedelic therapy etc but I cannot seem to reconcile the emotional sect of my brain. The logic part of my brain can reason through all my issues but the emotional sect overreacts, is melodramatic, and always overwrite and warps the logic. The rationalization I am battling is that it is selfish for other to wish me to stick around for their own self help. I he genuinely feel terrible about those who will hurt, but at this point I am shaken in my faith. I do not have any particular incidents, but I have been miserable for 10 years battling this depression and tonight feels like a losing night. I suppose I just need to rant. Why is it fair to require somebody to stick around in misery for their ow amusement? Particularly poor night",Suicidal +22381,My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me and hes in love with someone else now. I am struggling to find a job. I have no friends. I feel like a failure. I just want to end it all. I can usually shake off these thoughts but I cannot do it today. Someone help me I want to end it all,Suicidal +22382,"my sister just told me to kill myself again (i have previously attempted about 3/4 weeks ago) and my mum was in the same room and did not say anything at all and pretended as if she did not say anything. i hate her so much but my parents are not actually letting me switch rooms , they only said they would to appease me :/ if i do switch rooms id have no privacy bc its right next to my parents and the walls r pretty thin. oh and i share a room with that sister :) haha",Suicidal +22383,"I have zero interest in wanting to live. Nothing appeals to me in life and all I can really see is me killing myself in the future. I am taking it as a matter of fact, because I cannot see what else there is for me.I do not want to fall in love, I do not want to get a job, I do not want to have a family, I do not want to hang out with anyone. I do not get any pleasure from anything except sitting on my ass all day, and even then I am bored all the time.I do not know if I am even explaining myself correctly. I wish I was never born so I could save my parents the pain of losing their only kid.I know I am going to off myself one day. I said to myself, ""I will do it this year for sure"" for the past 4 years. Time is going faster and faster and sooner than later I am going to finish year 12 and I will be floating around the real world without a clue and with no direction. I told myself I have to do it before school ends, but as the day grows nearer it is getting overwhelming. I am probably not going to even do it because it is such a life changing decision. Life changing for sure! I will not even have a life after I make the decision. I do not want to experience life",Suicidal +22384,"i made horrible choices, I have most likely traumatized people without even knowing it, I lie, I am a cheat, I am a piece of shit. I finally met someone a little to much like me and got what i deserved. I cannot be forgiven, I did not even know what i did wrong at the time, i was so young. i am a disgusting person",Suicidal +22385,"I did say more because a couple of things really bothered me. And I am just wanting to get things out. If this is the last I speak to her. But man I did go insane so much in the past. So please use this as a example who not to make mistakes like I done. And to speak in a crisis with your girlfriend or friend. I was stressed overwhelmed and stubborn thinking I could handle it. But I just could not I Will Beat this. And I am sorry for being closed off and vague. I do want it to be healthy between us that is my goal. And to be healthy inside my mind. do not be too harsh on me. I know I have Message a lot!! you can see I really did try for us when we were together. I just felt overwhelmed. I only want you to See from my perspective. Everything I said is what is going on in my head like a track car going the track never finishing so please understand I am not a bad guy. I never meant to hurt you or upset you. Because you seem angry and fed up. I get it. Its emotional draining. And I did not respect you when I needed to give you space. I am just mentally drained confused shy lost. Self esteem and feels robbed from losing you. From my mental health and not talking to you. Which is why I told you all these things. It might be too late but as a Guy. mental health needs to be talked. With men because I have to feel strong. But I felt weak and exposed. It took me a long time to speak about this with you like 5 months after we broke up. Not that you cared but I thought you deserve to know, Maybe my autism and communication really did not help me in this situation. Thinking if I win her back I will not have to tell her anything. Like pulling my hair out. So I did not speak or say anything to protect you. If I am a bad guy that deserves to be out of life Forever for putting you first and pressuring myself to be the best in everything for you. Then I am sorry, but I would Always put you first that is what I do with any girl I love. Because I want the best for them. I find it sad because I would have done anything to understand you and help you like I did when you cried to me about Kyle been so depressed except I bottle it. But I know now I need independent temporary. Because its important to me to learn. And not put all my eggs in one basket. I certainly tried but like I SAID. THIS WHAT HERE. NOW IS NOTHING MORE THAN JUST A SAD LOVE STORY. It may have driven me mad and crazy but not dangerous. So I am sorry if I portrayed myself to you as a character like that. that is not me. The person you loved in 2019 who had a job doing well was in love. Very chilled outgoing doing new things that was me. 2020 miserable upset Dan did not want to do anything that was not me. That was depressed Dan. Stupid Dan who did not talk, I am going to beat and I want to remember this because its important for Me. To motivate myself and Remind me if I do not talk. This is what will happen. Do you want to lose whoever like you lost emma. NO.So it brings pain and sadness but reminds me to speak. Letter to my Ex part 2",Suicidal +22386,I am so lonely. I did not even talk to my mom today. I have mono and I cannot leave. I lost all but one of my friends and my girlfriend. I just do not do anything anymore and I never smile or enjoy my life. I know I have a good future if I keep trying but its just so miserable all the time and I hate it. I have 31 scars on my body from self harm and I just feel like its the only way I can cope even though my mom always yells at me for it. I do not know what I should do anymore. I do not want to upset my mom or anything but I just hate being here sometimes and it makes me so sad because the world is so beautiful but I cannot ever see it. I just lost everything I guess I want to die,Suicidal +22387,Fighting for yourself is always a winning war Always remember,Depression +22388,Will things get better for me? I doubt it. Do I deserve anyone at all? No. Why am I still here when I have no purpose? Still hating myself,Depression +22389,"I have tried to reach out for help over small things over the years. I have tried in person , I have tried the government, I have tried my parents . I started trying to reach out on Instagram but always delete it for fear or seeming annoying. My boyfriend suggested I try Reddit because he gets a lot of support from the app but anytime I use it I get negative comments. I deleted my last account because people would make fun of me. I am trying really hard to become a better person and want to become independent. I am starting to loose hope and doubt that Ill ever have my shit together . I give up",Depression +22390,i was so close to getting better from this depression episode that lasted from February to the end of spring. i had gotten ready to go to a school I had been told I had a 95% chance of getting into. I feel like the world wants me to fail. it keeps showing me a better me and not letting me be it. I am hanging by a ledge,Depression +22391,"I cannot get it out of my head. I want to be dead. I want to kill myself. I keep imagining taking a belt and wrapping it around my neck and hanging myself. Would it even work? I fucking hate everything and everyone. I cannot do any of this anymore. what is FUCKING WRONG WITH ME. I have NEVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH. WHO CAN I BLAME BESIDES MYSELF. I HATE EVERYONE SO FUCKING MUCH. I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE!!!!I do not do anything I am a fucking loser. A loner. A pathetic, selfish, stupid piece of shit. Why cannot I just feel normal. Why cannot I just be fucking happy for once. My whole world feels like a fucking mess. I feel like a disorganized and stupid bastard. I cannot think clearly. I cannot focus on anything. How did this all fucking happen. How did we get here I need to go. I need to fucking leave. I cannot do any of this. I cannot do it. I just went on a terrible rampage and said things to my bf that I do not mean and should not have said. I am pushing him away with every emotional outburst. I am been self harming and all I feel is the sting of my cuts that is distracting me now at least. I do not want to be alive anymore.",Suicidal +22392,"I am sure this post is just anothr way of me venting but there is such a weird pain inside my chst and throat it hurts to breathe and whn i try to cry th tears burn my eyes. i want to achive th things i want , i want kids with someone who loves me. but all that seems so far away ther are so many thing sthat contibut to my feeling of wanting to die or sleep forver my mum; she is childish, she is so childish i mean a forty four year old who likes to ignore you or maks you upset and then if you show any fling of bwing upst she treats you worse i could go on forver about what she does to methe fact iv nver been in any sort of romantic relationship, i mean i know what ur going to say ""oh ur young its still coming"" but th fact that everyon around me has had some sort of relationship or evn a drunkn part kiss drives me mad bc what am i doing wrong? my friends, i have frinds but I am not close to any of them, my bestfriend who has another best frirnds honstly treats me lik shit but i cannot say he does bc i do not have an example and all the examples are petty i do not know i feel drowsy and heavy fling all inside my body, i have school starting in a coupl of days and i do not know how I am going to be able to handle it maybe this feeling might pass but i know its going to come back anything slightly upsets me and it will stay with me for two wek at least, i already know I am not depressed and i do not have anxiety but this feeling is genuinly so hard to labl it its just constant sadness and overthinking. i want to kill myself and I have tried but with pain relif pills lol i swallowd it all hoping i nver wake uo but i got scared that i will not die but ill get liver cancer insteadi just do not want to be here lolsorry for the massive para i do not know what i want",Suicidal +22393,"I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety last year and went to therapy for a while. But every time I went it felt really fake I guess... Like there seemed to be lots of orchestrated replies to the things we talked about. I have since stopped going and just trying to deal as it never really helped. Are all therapists like this or did I just get a bad one ? ""Fake"" Therapists",Depression +22394,"I cannot get it out of my head. I want to be dead. I want to kill myself. I keep imagining taking a belt and wrapping it around my neck and hanging myself. Would it even work? I fucking hate everything and everyone. I cannot do any of this anymore. what is FUCKING WRONG WITH ME. I have NEVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH. WHO CAN I BLAME BESIDES MYSELF. I HATE EVERYONE SO FUCKING MUCH. I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE!!!!I do not do anything I am a fucking loser. A loner. A pathetic, selfish, stupid piece of shit. Why cannot I just feel normal. Why cannot I just be fucking happy for once. My whole world feels like a fucking mess. I feel like a disorganized and stupid bastard. I cannot think clearly. I cannot focus on anything. How did this all fucking happen. How did we get here I need to go. I need to fucking leave. I cannot do any of this. I cannot do it. I just went on a terrible rampage and said shit to my partner that I do not mean and should not have said I am going to end up pushing him away. I grabbed a pair of scissors and started digging into my body. Its all I could find in the moment. I cannot stop hurting myself. I have cuts all over my stomach and hips. All over my chest, my wrists cuts on top of cuts. At least all I feel for right now is the sting of all my cuts. I do not want to be alive anymore.",Depression +22395,"i have a blade next to me and i cannot think of any good reasons not to. i want the pain to be gone but ik this is a bad idea. i cannot think of any reasons to stay alive on my own, i cannot remember any of them. please help before i do something i might regret help please",Suicidal +22396,"there are very few nice people left on this planet. everyone else is a stuck up selfish asshole who does not care about anything that does not directly affect them. the world is going to shit and the people who have the power to stop it or at least slow it down are doing nothing but making it worse. most of the population is actively transphobic, homophobic, racist, and misogynistic. everyone is an entitled asshole. I am tired of this. i hate everyone i hate everything and everyone",Suicidal +22397,I am done I cannot even distract my self anymore games do not work music makes it worse cannot sleep have to get up in 3 hours use to worry about my family I do not care anymore I am a mistake failed my classes time to fail more oh boy. I am ashamed of myself for anything I do everything is a chore eating sucks I have lost interest in porn too self conscious to date too scared to tell my counselor my problems still have a old suicide note. I have no phyiscal urge to shoot myself nor cut but feel all the pain I would normally I just want to stop existing shut down sleep till I die best part none of this means anything I JUST WANT TO STOP btw I am probably going to be grounded so do not expect me to respond only thing stopping me is my pills,Suicidal +22398,"I have got severe bpd, I have been trying to kill myself nonstop recently and been fantasizing about hurting/killing other living beings. I have been functional, as in going to work and generally going about my life, but i can tell I am about to snap. I am drunk and or high constantly, lile i am rn. Antidepressants are making me more violent, i think antipsychotics will help.Can i get them wothout going to the hospital? I cannot afford inpatient but I am on the verge of doing something horrible and irreversible. Anyways idk what to tell my doctor. there is a fine line between psychosis and hospitalization, pleas ehelp lmao i cannot do this. I cannot afford to be hospitalized but i need serious help lol what do i say to get on antipsychotics but not be on suicide watch Is there any way to get antipsychotics without being hospitalized?",Suicidal +22399,I experience breakdowns everyday. Even when in my dreams I am breaking down. I do not want to go on like this anymore. Breakdowns everyday,Suicidal +22400,i cannot cope with the fact my mum is ill and does not want me to get help it makes me feel so guilty when ik exactly what i need i just cannot anymore i honestly just want to die,Suicidal +22401,"I have reached a breaking point and have picked a date, written my notes, arranged everything. Attempted in the past but never with as much forward planning as this. My brain is mentally saying goodbye to people who I know I will not see again before this date, i feel like I am already dead and everyone around me is a ghost, or like I am already separate from everyone who is still living. I have been diagnosed with a few MH problems and my doctor is aware of previous suicide attempts. I am meant to be seeing Dr on Monday which is still well over a week before the date. What happens if I tell him all this? Will they actually do anything? What happens when you tell a doctor you have a plan (UK)?",Suicidal +22402,"I feel so alone all the time. No one ever gets me, and I cannot connect with anybody. it is all so fucking miserable. My life is not hard but I hate it. I hate being here and waking up everyday. I want to kill myself because things will never get better. I do not care anymore I just want to die. Everyday fucking sucks. it is never a good day I am tired of acting like it is when I hate every moment here. I want to kill myself",Depression +22403,I am so sad and depressed and I want to tell my friends that but I feel like burden when I do say tell them. I know they will comfort me and understand how I feel but I just want to tell them and not have them comfort me because in the end I only have myself to help. Feeling lifeless,Depression +22404,">Perpetual existence, sorrows that forever repeat, cycles that collapse a person. > >Indelible memories, turned into still images, constantly being reproduced. > >Mirror of the past, reflects good times, now buried in misery. > >Inevitable roads, which intersect with life, and divert our course.Free poetry helps me cope and it is a way to write down what I feel. At this point in my life, at 19 years old, I feel like I am living by inertia; I have not even began to live life and I am already tired of it.I do not live in the best of places, in fact, I would argue I live in a horrendous place. I see everything crumble around me and I see how I am trapped here, where everything is just getting worse every day, and I can only hope that I get a chance to get out. My country sucks, my city sucks, my household sucks; I am practically poor and where I live there is no future. I had hopes of making it somewhere, but as time passed I have just grown pessimistic after seeing that, realistically, I might not make it anywhere and I might end up living a miserable life before making it anywhere.I have been trapped inside my house for over a year now, all my friends withered away, if I ever had them in the first place. Everyone I liked to talk to online either ditched me or disappeared, my social anxiety just worsened over time, and so did my mental health. I need to deal with my mood swings, with my depression, with my trauma, and with my ADHD, and all of these are untreated; I have tried everything to get access to any mental health professionals, I even had others help me, and at the end I could not do it. I still live with my family, and they are not helpful at all; the best they do is tell me that my problems either do not exist or do not matter, and that ""there are people with worse problems than yours"". I cannot even talk to them about much of it, because some of it esteems from their constant emotional, psychological, and yes, also physical abuse, and the rest is just things I do not feel safe talking with them.Something traumatic happened late last year to me, it is hard to explain, and they knew what it was, and after that event my mental health just went down the drain. They never cared, they just got mad at me for my sudden change of behaviour, and they did not even let me cope in any safe way, which led me to copping in unsafe ones. So much happened ever since; so many meltdowns, so many nights of feeling hopeless, so many dark thoughts.And now here I am, in my winter break from university, at 5 AM typing this when I could be going to sleep to fix my fucked up sleep schedule, or at least do something fun, but instead I feel completely apathetic and depressed, I want to disappear. it is just too much trauma, I have been backstabbed so many times, I have been through so much, everyone has taken advantage of me, and almost everyone I ever liked disappeared, as always. I feel hopeless, and I feel worthless, and I do not want to try anything anymore.I do not want to make new friends because I will eventually find a way to make them go away involuntarily, or my anxiety will keep me away from them and our friendship will fade away. I do not want to get into another relationship because I am going to be abused again, and I do not want to go through heartbreak again. I have lost interest in all my hobbies, if I play the guitar or play a videogame it is usually not even fun anymore, it just helps to temporarily kill the eternal boredom I feel and make me not think about things for a while until they catch on and I go back to feeling depressed as fuck.And so I live by inertia, I wake up and follow the same routine every day, I do not do anything interesting, I do not expect anything good, I just see every new day as another day to get through, another day to deal with everything, another day to wonder why I am in this situation and how I got here, and why. And that last question ultimately kills me; why? Why me? What have I done to deserve this? Why cannot I just be happy?I am tired of this. I do not want to die, I just want to live without all this pain, but things are not getting better, and it certainly feels like they never will. Some stuff could be fixed with a lot of hard work, but there are too many things that I will carry with me forever and I just do not know if I want to. I am tired of living by inertia only, and only being able to feel sadness.",Depression +22405,"The only thing I like to do is eat food and sleep. that is the only goal I have in life. And sex. I hate how useless I am and cannot think to do things. I had ideas of doing stuff in finance or computer science, but 1) finance seems like money is fake and it is just hoping companies can make a profit (how are profits made? Where does money come from?) 2) I do not know how computers work or how a language in a computer makes a computer do x y z.So because I do not know these things, I will kill myself in a few weeks bc I am so useless. I do not critically or consciously think. I never have words to say. I do not know how to figure things out or create stuff or manage things. I do not know what to do for money (survival).",Suicidal +22406,"I have posted here before. I have been suicidal for awhile now. I just wanted to let my supports know your amazing and everything you have done for me is up and beyond. I wanted to let my loved ones know that I am always there. Even though I have gone missing.. I am gone. Please forgive me for the choices I have made. I love you all so much and hope this finds you. To anyone who thinks they could have prevented this I am so sorry but this is my only choice. I would not trade my family for anything and I love you so much. To my boyfriend: I am sorry I snuck away late at night, there was nothing you could have done to stop me. This is not your fault. You are amazing and I look forward to watching down on you and your future, i know you will do amazing things. To my fellow redditors feeling the same thing. There is always another option. do not give up hope, help is always there for you. I love you even though I do not know you. Take care. See you guys later Hey guys",Suicidal +22407,"Look guys I am in a really bad place and I keep getting sectioned this time I tried killing myself with a toaster in the bathtub but failed because the electric tripped I then went on a 30mile walk and I have been sectioned for the past few months because I had to be picked up because I could not walk back, I cannot live anymore but I do not know what to do at all I have tried so hard to drown my demons but as the adage goes they know how to swim and they are damn good at it too I am struggling guys I do not know what to do this is probably my last port of call to be fair until I am out and can try again, my life is a sick joke for a sick man and I am killing myself just living anyway what comes after cannot be this bad can it? Like for sure its got to be better than this shit show that I currently find myself in everything feels like its a sitcom for some power hungry idiots and I am trying so hard to stay level with myself but its difficult it really is if someone could help me I would be forever grateful to them Can somebody help please?",Suicidal +22408,"I was on a date a couple of weeks ago. I feel awful. He said I reminded him of Fiona from Shrek. I lost over 30kg now. I weigh 54kg, 1.70m, and I am still fat. He started to poke my belly fat, proceeded to tell me I was still chubby. He pointed out my nose is crooked and that I should consider surgery. Why cannot I just be normal.I started to feel better about myself after losing weight. I did. And everything I felt insecure about came back just like that. I went on a walk last night. And I realised that it does not matter. Thick or thin. Make up, no make up. Working hard, hardly working. Poor, rich. I am worthless. It does not matter what I do. What I look like. In the end we are all going to die anyway. So I rather die now, while I still have some dignity left. Then die when I am old and have faced even more pain. I have tried, and tried and tried",Suicidal +22409,"There supposedly was a time (or maybe just a fantasy) when life was semi enjoyable, when happiness was easily achieved. It seems so far back it may as well be myth. In current times there is been a near-to constant battle with wishes to commit suicide. They became so intense that we made the unfair decision to give one part the responsibility of holding those feelings for the rest of us, because we knew together we would be unable to keep from going through with it. Since then we all have gone through life, each getting our own various interests and having superficial friends, but the one in charge of the frustration at how meaningful other people's lives have become with time while ours remains empty has continually made sure noone has been able to get close to us. They know that deep relationships act like shackles, trapping us in this shtsack world out of concern for the effect our suicide would have on them. it is been a game of chess, wanting freedom from the pain of life but also avoiding what it would take to gain it; wanting to have meaning to life but avoiding the things that might give it. Life is a bunch of worthless distractions from becoming free",Suicidal +22410,"Over the months its felt like everything has become horrible except a couple of things. I am staying inside my house almost every day. I do not know where my life is going and what is the purpose. My social life feels like lackluster of meaningful friendships with other people besides my very close friends. It feels like all girls I talk to ignore me. I am not doing anything weird to them except being friendly. The one girl who I thought I actually liked a lot turned out to be gay. I do not know what I am doing wrong. My life feels like its mundane and lacking so many good things. Everyday I realize how bad it is. I am starting to question what is the purpose of life if it feels like I am stuck in the same position for the past fuckin months. I keep saying to myself that is its going to get better, but its starting to feel like it not change and I will end up hurting myself. I do not know what I am doing wrong in my life",Depression +22411,"Everyday, every minute, every second I have suicidal thoughts. I have attempted before, what is stopping me now? Why should I try and be happy if I have already given up on life? I just want to end it tonight, and it to be successful. Why should I try when I have given up already?",Suicidal +22412,"I do not want to but I do not know what to do anymore. Nothing I try seems to help and due to trauma, therapy is not an option for me rn. I have not showered or really taken care of myself in a month... I am at the end of my fucking rope here. I do not have anyone I can really talk to about what goes on in my head so ig that is why I am pouring my stupid little heart out here. If anyone has any advice I am open to anything at this point I am so close to giving up",Depression +22413,"This is a long story. Last August I ran away from my home. I did this because of a few reasons. The first was because I had been messing around with about 20 girls from all over the world and making them think that they were the only ones. My parents found out and were understandably angry. Over the course of the next week, I was miserable because I had to deal with the ramifications of it. Finally, I snapped at my dad, and he snapped at me. It ended with me on the floor and his punching me. That night I packed a bag and ran away from everything, my family, my problems, and just my life. Over the next 24 hours, I had spent $525 to get up north where a friend was living. When I got there, he, and few of his friends, and I went out for a bit and we ended up getting pulled over. The cop smelled weed in the car and took our names. He registered my name and saw I was a missing person, and brought me back to the station and called my parents. Forcing me to go back, they took every device I had and cut me off from the rest of the world. I had not been able to talk to my friend since, nor have I gone to my old school since. When I got back, they sent me to live with some close friends in the country. While I was there, I was absolutely miserable. I had no friends, no family, and no phone either. I also could run because I had nowhere to run to. I stayed there from September till December before they decided to move to Hawaii. Because of this, I had to move back. Since I have been home I have had no friends, no devices besides an old computer, and no money because I have to pay off some things to my parents. I feel lonely, and like I am trapped. The sad part is that I felt my happiest when I was on the run because I did not have any expectations of myself. I could be whoever I wanted to be. Now in July, nearly a full year since, and I am the most depressed I have ever been. I have no freedom. I get what I did was bad, but I was also a stupid 16-year-old kid who wanted attention and love. I was not a popular kid, and I never had any close friends except for the one that I was going to live with, but I do not have a way to talk to him anymore. I cannot call Suicide Prevention because I do not have a phone, and I cannot talk to a close friend because I do not have any. I cannot talk to my parents because they will say it is because of the choices I have made. I am just so tired and lonely. I am just so done with life. I do not know if this is a cry for help or my last words. I am laying in my room with a ring of knives around me. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +22414,"My brain never stops moving I can never focus on a specific topic partly because of my brother who has autism who can never stop lousy murmuring, all the time. Along side with my parents being alcoholics and screaming in my face basically every night. I am really struggling and I have no friends and no one to talk to since my brother does not understand social cues. Help? Help?",Depression +22415,"Not really sure how to start this, I guess with saying my brother hung himself 5 years ago, only say this because alot of people will say that is relevant. Maybe it is, I do not know but here is some backstory. Before that happened, I had been having, I will call them thoughts/dreams, that he died. I had been realizing that I do not cry, and trying to imagine something that would make me feel something, make me cry. I then got the phone call that made me cry, and has not really stopped making me cry for the last 5 years. Everytime I am alone I will hear a song or just think about something that will make me cry.Anyway, I have eventually just come to the conclusion that I am kind of done. it is not like I want to go, it just feels like it is time.Anyone looking at my life would not believe it at all, I am getting married in 3 weeks, I have an excellent job that pays extremely well, have a decent house and a lake front cabin to my name. I even have a job interview in a week and a half for another job as a mine site services superintendent. Planning our honeymoon in St. Lucia in January. None of that stopped me from trying to hang myself last weekend. The only reason I am alive telling this story is because I used a garden hose and that did not work real well. I went to work the next day and told them I lost my voice because of the second shot of vaccine, I think I hid the bruise on my neck enough. I look at every piece of rope differently now. I do not feel like killing myself, but it is on my mind every second of every day. I have the full belief that is how I will die, even if I do not want it. I have realized that when I am with someone that urge is not there, so it is bad for me to be alone. I have also experienced the hurt of losing someone this way, and seen the devastation that it caused my parents. That is not something i want to put on them, but that is not stopping it.I have no idea where this post is going, I had already decided not to kill myself tonight a few hours ago, just needed to rant a bit I guess and did not know where else to put this. Guess I just need to last until Sunday night then my fiancee will be back from her bachelorette weekend. I am tired",Suicidal +22416,I know I have something pent up inside of me but I just cannot feel it. Like a headache 30 minutes after you take an ibuprofen. I cannot even cry anymore. I used to be so emotional all the time. Now all of a sudden I cannot manage to force myself to cry. I did not like being emotional but I miss the liberation of a good cry. Last time I felt like this I attempted suicide. I think I am scared but I am not sure because I cannot fucking feel anything. Emotional numbness,Depression +22417,I am blanking on my age. I legit cannot remember if in 23 or 24 and I am completely ambivalent to figuring it out. The only care I have is wanting to figure out or fix the reason why I do not care. Anyone else just have multiple mini breakdowns in a week? like mini mini cuz I often am just driving and then tear up but as soon as a single tear falls I am done. the feeling is gone and I am numb for the next few hours but still left with the realization that I feel like shit or the memory of that feeling. idk if I am disassociating or if its some toxic masculinity thing but fuck it and this sucks. I forgot then ranted,Suicidal +22418,"Hello everyone seeing this I want to speak on my experience with depression and my own struggles. On cold lonely nights like this i feel i just have nowhere to go and nobody to turn to i have absolutely no friends my family either would not understand or laugh in my face as soon as i bring up depression, i do not know what to do anymore i do not understand why i wake up every morning to to the same things i did the day before and go to sleep hours after everyone else stuck with my thoughts, alone, cold, and depressed. I just want to drift to sleep one day and not wake up but every morning i roll over to look at my empty screen, showing just the time, for me to lay back down and pray its all a dream and all my problems are gone and i can smile like i did before without masking my pain and sorrows from my family but its always the same. I cannot even eat anymore because every time i do i want to throw it up right back out or fill up on a single pancake or a glass of juice and when i try to sleep again i just lay there alone like every night stuck in my head stuck with my thoughts rotting away in my room thinking ""Is today the day? Am i finally leaving this world today? Will something be different? Maybe somebody will care today."" and trying to find a way to pass the time but i struggle every time because the only thing I am even remotely good at is listening to music at an attempt to drown out the thoughts of depression and suicide. i wish i could go in the past and fix some of my mistakes like my biggest mistake of leaving my ex when i started getting more depressed my life started taking a turn down and i got so stressed out and took out my stress and anger on her but all i was doing was hurting her so i decided to break up in order to save out friendship, this all happened about 6 months ago since then I have been more and more depressed wishing i kept her and hoping she will wake up and talk to me again or at least answer my texts when i broke up with her i did not realize she was the only person i have ever been open with and ever shared my pain with and got close to she was the only thing keeping me grounded and happy she was my light through this darkness that is depression and i pushed her away i hurt her i just messed up and its my biggest regret leaving her was my biggest mistake along with waking up every morning still for no reason even my family says i do not do anything and cannot I am not good at anything and i cannot get myself anywhere in life at this point i only have 2 years left of high school but i have so many classes to get through and i know what my future is anyway why even try to make a difference why keep living to be nothing and nobody I am already doing it and everyone realizes how useless i am ill be more help being out of the way and finally being gone maybe then someone will care and maybe then someone will miss me and reach out to me maybe if i was gone i could give my family an easier life with one less mouth to feed and one less person to worry about. Maybe i am just better off gone but I am not strong enough to even try to keep going why would i be strong enough to take my life. someone please help me i feel so hopeless. I do not know anymore.",Depression +22419,"My fiend has pretty severe depression. To sum it up very fast, hes been depressed on/off for a long time, but a few months ago, attempted suicide, went to the hospital, had therapy sessions for a month (did not work), fight with a doctor for pills, and tonight hes revealed the pills do not work like he thought, and he is still very depressed, and he tries his best to silence suicidal thoughts, but they are still there (even though he says the pills make them fuzzy). I personally have OCD and suffered from it for a while, and had a depressive stint a few years ago, but even after my mental health journey, and giving him the tips I can for finding hope, I do not believe hes catching on, or seeing reason to try. I do not know what to tell him, or help him anymore with, so if anybody has suggestions on what he should maybe do next, please let me know. I need some help for a friend here.",Depression +22420,"I am so numb to everything. About a month ago I had one of the worst breakdowns I have had in years, I was crying uncontrollably on the floor, I could not breath, I was hitting myself and trying to strangle myself, it went on for about an hour, thankfully I did not do much damage to myself, but I just stopped feeling after that, i just feel like I am living inside my head. I do not cry anymore, I have stopped caring about my appearance, I do not care anymore, I guess it is kind of nice in a way, but I know that its not healthy. Quarantine did not help either, being stuck with my mentally and physically abusive siblings all day, and the loneliness and boredom. It just seems like I am just there, I do not have any motivation to get out of bed, I am sick of waking up every day just to relive the same shitty day over and over again. I used to joke about my mental health to cope but I cannot even joke about it anymore. I want to feel something again. I cannot tell if I am even depressed anymore.",Depression +22421,"i do not know what to do anymore. I have been going to therapy for years now and i feel like nothing is working. i have not taken my meds for the past couple days. i wish i could be happy without taking pills. i only feel happy when I am with my s/o and they are going out of town for two weeks. i can tell that i love them way more than they love me. I am so young and I am already so fucked up. my brother fucking died last year due to the choking game and he was not even fucking suicidal. how can my perfectly healthy brother kill himself and i cannot? I am so fucking pathetic. i do not care about anything anymore. I am so in between giving everything up, staying in bed all day until i get the guys to kms or get a summer job before school starts again and do productive shit. i just do not want to fucking exist anymore. I am so tired of crying and being numb, i just want all this to end. all happiness is short lived. i wish i could walk into a room and not immediately see all the possible ways i could kms. i just want to be normal. like when i was a kid, and all i had to worry about was what to bring to show and tell.i feel so bad for my younger self. I am so sorry that you grew up to be such a monstrosity. you were so innocent.am i even real anymore? cannot decide to completely give up or try my hardest",Suicidal +22422,"I thought I would left suicidal thoughts behind but now my parents are forcing me to pursue a career I despise and all I can think about is the years of emptiness that await me, stuck in a job I hate. Suicide really seems like the only way out. And hey might as well spite my parents too. Maybe they will finally regret their actions once they realise they killed me indirectly. Suicide seems like the only way out now that my parents are once again forcing me into something I hate",Suicidal +22423,"I would tell that little girl that everything she was feeling was okay. That there are options. That just because your parents do not know how to help you, that does not mean you should not be feeling that way.I wish I could tell her out gets easier. But it does not. she would be so sad if she could see 30 year old me. she would feel let down. Betrayed.And she would make better decisions. she would do something so her mental health did not end up like it has.How can you tell a child that they will spend every day wanting to die? If I could go back and talk to myself as a child",Suicidal +22424,"These so called ""professionals"" ruined my life misdiagnosing me, giving me pills that never worked and gave me more side effects, people do not know my story and they judge. I change 5 doctors in 2 years they did not treat me right. Now i self diagnosed ADHD and nobody want to believe it. Really? Go burn in hell everyone. I hate psychiatrists they are not that much professionals as you think",Suicidal +22425,"I am ""doing better"" in the sense that I am too busy with school and part-time jobs to really dwell on my mental health issues. But it is all just so hopeless. I do not even want to be rich, I just want to be ""comfortable"". I can safely say that all the shit I have been through from childhood up to now can be traced back to money.I cannot even get a regular checkup without grimacing at the price, let alone get therapy or meds which I desperately want to at least try. I live in a 3rd world country with no universal healthcare. It feels like my life will just be an endless cycle of chasing after deadlines and bills. it is impossible to catch up. My actual profession is grossly underpaid, and my only hope is to wrack up enough experience to emigrate. And maybe, that will keep me busy enough from really dwelling on my depression, but I hope I do not look back on myself when I am old thinking, ""I should have just killed myself then."" I feel like I would.I am not actively suicidal anymore but I think that is how I will end up in the end. cannot kill myself now since us kids are practically my parent's insurance plan... Capitalism sucks. Realized that a lot of my issues come from financial instability. No matter how hard I work, it will probably never get better than this.",Depression +22426,"I called my mother just now that I got nightmares all night long, that I wanted someone to be with me, that I do not want to be lonely, that I want her to come back home.She just fucking ignored everything I said, told me ""Shut it, stop being lazy and solve it yourself, food's on the table, do it yourself, I am not going to be here, bye"" and hung up on me.Is it my fault again? Why is it so fucking hard for people to actually care about me in real life, not the kind people on the internet? Why does it hurt so much when people hung up on me",Suicidal +22427,"Do I, a privileged, loved, white woman raised in upper middle class, who grew up with a stay at home mom, who always had food in the fridge and vacations now and again, who had supportive parents who did not split, who got straight A's, who considers herself of average attractiveness, and managed to provide an independent adult life for herself, have the right to crave my death?This, for the love of all things good in the world, is a humiliating, but honest question.Basically, I feel like an outdated computer that keeps trying to load malware, but the virus keeps crashing the system. So I am either tiptoing around the infection, or trapped in a blue screen of idle discontent.Do I even actually want to die? Or do I crave death as an alternative to improvement? And if that is true, when exactly does my brain recognize plan A is not working? How will it know its time for plan B? Why does it keep trying to load the malware? It did not work the first 9,036 times, why does it keep putting faith in the next time? Or the next time? Why does this thing in my skull long to self destruct so badly? And why will not it just fucking do it already? WHY DOES IT FUCKING HATE ITSELF GOD DAMMIT!?Fuck. Where did the virus come from?Is it my fault?Did my childhood imperfections pave the way for this emptiness? Was my introverted, anti-social nature that did this to me? Did I learn too late in life what it meant to remove yourself from the center of your universe, resulting in an unrelenting and perpetual social anxiety? Did my insatiable appetite fuck my brain up? Did my perfectionism -that sweet sweet desire to do great things, and that destructive and sociopathic hatred of mediocrity- permanently damage my ability to feel content or patient? Did I hurt someone, or say something, or watch something long ago that awoke a darkness in me?Or is not my fault?Was it the indoctrination of that fucking church that told me to pray and repent the scars on my wrist? Was it my gas-lighting mother who dramatized every god damnable phenomenon on this planet? Who would preach love and tolerance, and also how unbiblical and repulsive ""the gays"" are, and how ""the blacks"" need to stop popping out babies for the welfare? Was it my brother who treated me with what can only be described as an angry hatred for existing, for some god damned reason, for the first 16 years of my life? Was it the friends I longed for? The friends I did not long for? Did I think too highly of myself? Or not highly enough? Was I lazy? Or did I exhaust myself? Why do I feel guilty and ashamed of myself all the time?Fuck I do not know. I am not sure I care to anymore.All I know is right now, in my weakest moments, defeated, alone, selfishly resentful of this infected brain, and ""blue screened,"" all I want is to turn it off. I want to be thrown against the wall and destroyed for being defective. Because in real life, you do not get to reset yourself to factory settings. If the malware does not take, what the fuck do you do to remove the virus?If you are still here, please know I am so sorry. I am so fucking sorry for being here. If you are still reading, please know this sadness, this euphoric and liberating sadness, is my empathy for you, my precious brother or sister, as undeserving as I am to have it. I hurt with you all. And I am so thankful to you for allowing me to.I will finish with this.As long as I can remember I have hated myself. And I do not admit it to anyone because I do not have the right to. I do not have the right to my anxiety. Or my anger. Or my insecurities, fears, inadequacies, or sadness. Not when I read your stories. Your fucking beautiful and tragic stories. Where do I get off taking up your precious space with my problems? Problems so profusely unproportional to the feelings they convey.I want to launch plan B. But I do not want to give up on plan A. it is so infuriatingly conflicting. Especially when plan A exists in a near constant blue screen realm of existence. But hey, maybe 9,037th time's the charm. Do I have the right to my mental deficiencies?",Suicidal +22428,"when people tell you they will always be there to listen and if you need help you should just reach out, then act shocked when someone takes them up on the offer. Now I know not to take people up on that offer because it is the equivalent of thoughts and prayers but...it really pisses me off when people, especially young people, go to people they are supposed to be able to trust and then have their secrets exposed to the world when same person who told everyone to ""reach out"" is talking with everyone in the backroom, telling them exactly what that person said. I do not but it really rubs me the wrong way...",Suicidal +22429,I do not take pictures of myself because I am not worth looking at that is all. I do not take pictures anymore.,Depression +22430,"I hate thinking that money will make me happy. I am always daydreaming of being independent, living alone on a apartment for myself, playing videogames after work, going and inviting friends to drink. Sigh... But of course I am depressed, lazy and useless.COVID only, made it worse. I was about to buy me this console last year to see if that could give me some of the happiness I am looking for, but I had to spend the money I saved to prepare myself for the pandemic and help my family.I just want to take my backpack, run away and start a new life... but I know I will not make it far.I wonder if I will ever do something with my life or I will just rot away in my parents house. Too poor too be happy",Depression +22431,The person I used to be is dead. I do not want to see her old things anymore or anything she used to feel passion or love for. The she will of what used to be me is walking around interacting with everything from my old life but I do not even feel my soul in my body. Why do I feel so sad when I am the one who pushed everyone out of my life? I am the one who let myself be taken advantage of and assaulted because I am a stupid stupid girl who learned a lesson after it was too late. I am so tired of mourning the loss of the person I was and I miss her so much. I wish I did not have to deal with all of this alone and I wish I did not see that bad man's face in my mind all the time. I hate the new me,Depression +22432,"in the least, i can point to my profile in my suicide note. suicide note",Suicidal +22433,"Tldr: Help me support my partner as she starts treatments for severe depression and anxiety.My partner has been suffering from depression for a while and has recently been prescribed Lustral to help and given the option of signing off from work. She has also started therapy. I am really happy that she is getting help. I feel a bit blind or foolish for not understanding how bad it had become for her. I want to make sure that I am being as supportive as I can. Can anyone advise me on what I should be trying to do?Here are some ideas I have read about so far that I would appreciate feedback on:- positivity in, negativity out (do not complain to my partner about anything, take that to others).- take on her share the house work and cleaning.- keep the house clean (mess can be stressful).- flowers more often.- empathise do not sympathise (how to do this would be good).- active listening.- remember it is about her, not about me. - do not take anything she says or does personally.- read the possible side effects of lustral.Thanks in advance for any guidance. Apologies in advance if this violates rules. I checked but maybe I missed something. How can I support my partner who is suffering from depression?",Depression +22434,"The last time I made a real friend was in the 1st grade. I do not mean irl, either. I mean a friend as in someone I can be myself around and feel that they want to keep engaging with me. The last of my real friendships fizzled out before I was 15. I grew up sheltered from the hardships of life, but at the same time, I was stunted from growth because the only person I could learn from was an abusive alcoholic older brother. He kept me alive, but prevented me from learning how to be normal. So I retreated as far as I could, to the point where it got physical. In the last years of middle school, I stopped applying myself in school, doing nothing with my time except reading or being absent-minded. After my first year of highschool, at the age of 17, I ran away. I took a bus to my hometown and tried to reconnect with old friends. I had fun for a few months, and I learned a lot of essential things both about myself and about the real world. Then, as suddenly as it began, it ended. I had burned any bridge that could keep me where I wanted to be.I called my brother, begged forgiveness, and came back to him. He had not changed at all. It clashed violently with my newfound outlook on life, and his abuse reached an all-time high for the remainder of my 17th and 18th years on Earth. My depression came back, but I did not retreat. I fought back, mentally and physically. Eventually the abuse stopped completely. I do not know why really. But I was left in a position where my brother was my life-source, and at the same time, I did everything in my power to not engage with him.I am 23 now. I have been in the same position since then. In the handful of years past, I have tried to spark relationships with other people. Both irl and online, platonic and romantic. However, I cannot make anything work. I am fundamentally broken with no fix in sight. The only person who has expressed a want to help me is my little sister, and I cannot even bring myself to tell her what is wrong with me. I cannot fucking talk to people. I cannot look people in the eyes. I cannot feel empathy. I write this with the full expectation that it will gather no attention. I have a burn in my mind. It throbs with pain, easily dulled with distractions, but never healing. I want to feel normal. I feel like I have got a permanent burn.",Depression +22435,not looking for sympathy so do not bother just wondering if anyone else feels the same way. I wish I could get someone else to do it for me so it is not technically killing myself cannot get the courage to go through with killing myself,Suicidal +22436,"I could go on and on about this. But I will keep it brief. To me, i jump from one thing to another. When i was a very little child, i was exposed only to studies, so i consumed myself wholly into it. Then came the TV, then came the day dreaming, then came sadness with binge watching and eating, and alcohol, and now, i have she would the old skin. Now i constantly go back and forth from taking a plunge into binge watching and drowning myself in melancholy. I need to fill myself with something so consuming all the time. If i do not, i crumble into pieces. So it is easy for me to use mobile, because it is easy and accessible and it is normal. what is the cure? what is the fix? Can I go back to being that child addicted to studying? I have an idea on what to do and I am currently doing so much better than how i used to be. But I really need some perspective on how to deal with these tendencies of mine? As in, how to feed it and keep a check on it, at the same time? How to channel all the addictive tendencies into being productive?",Depression +22437,"I really just want to get this off my chest and not be met with the same exact response that my friends and family have. it is not like my situation is particularly worse than anyone else's. I come from a middle class home, have parents that really care about me, and somehow still have friends that care too. I had great grades in middle school and through jalf of high-school with little to no effort being put in on my part, and even had a pretty good amount of friends. But for some reason at around early junior year in high school I just started to feel different. And at the time that was the only way I knew how to explain it. I was simply not feeling like myself. I found myself not doing homework more and more instead of finishing it all in the last 10 min of class like I usually did. I found myself more and more dresding social interaction with everyone, from my friends to my parents to even my gf. It did not start all at once and instead grew steadily over time, and because of that, I think I started to blame my surroundings in search of why I might be acting so differently. I was/am (I do not know about now) a pretty intelligent person in general. Not to say I am better or inately smarter than anyone, but school always came easy to me growing up and because of that I found myself surrounded by some truly brilliant people... that I compared myself to constantly. The thing is that at first it actually served to bolster my confidence a lot. I would see the smartest kid in my grade and my good friend K make a 96 on a test and look at my 90 and think ""wow, I am in the same league as him, I must be smart"". So when I started to make 80's, 70's, or fail the occasional assignment outright, I took it as me failing to be good enough. It made me feel as though they were better than me and that I was simply not as good as them. But I think what really drove my anxious thoughts to a truly unhealthy point was when I started worrying about what they thought of me. I constantly worried about what my friends with near perfect sat scores and literal genius level iq scores thought about me, thinking that if I did not continue to make good grades like them, they would see me as weird or a bad influence or just someone who was undesirable to be around. My intelligence ended up betraying me in the end because I started cheating really really well. I will not go into detail because I am really not proud of it now, but I got really good at cheating. I began cheating on most tests and quizzes and cheating on every homework without fail. It helped keep my head above water through my junior year making all A's and B's which was good enough for my parents (most of the time) and put to rest my anxiety about what my friends thought about me. However, I knew what I was doing and it wore on me. How I could I go from legitimately slaying in the classroom... to this. In short i started to hate myself for what I was doing but saw no way out because it was that or be tormented by the other thoughts. Eventually I snapped and the pressure just made me break. I gave up completely, feeling like a waste of space for letting everyone (including myself) down. I stopped doing assignments all together instead opting to watch YouTube through the 8 hour school day and play video games the second I got home as a way to make the days go by quicker and to chase away of of these thoughts. My parents being the great people they are really tried to make their divorce as non impactful on their parenting as they could, and continued to try things like therapy, anti-depressants, involving other family members, and even letting live with my dad for a time to see if that helped. It did not. I felt the exact same and ended up feeling worse afterwards because I blamed myself that all of their effort went to waste on someone like me. I only managed to graduate because they managed to transfer me to an ""alternative leaning school"" 3 days before covid made the schools shut down nation wide. All this meant was that cheating became 10x easier and faster, leaving more time for video games and YouTube. While all of this was going on, I thought I would be a fantastic idea to get an online girlfriend that lived literally 1,000 miles away that i would not be able to see for at least a year, after talking to her for only a few months. I met her on an online game that we both played through a mutual friend and at first she was great. Funny, smart, quirky, cool, great music taste etc. Basically what I at the time thought to be the whole fucking package. Now we live together in my mom's house and in my time living with her I have grown more attached to her good qualities and painfully aware of her bad ones. She is by no means a bad person but rather a deeply troubled and traumatized girl with so so so much heart... and I can barely handle it. Her past trauma with her alcoholic family including but not limited to being shit faced for the first time at age 12, breaking up fights between her COMPLETELY shifted parents and older sister, her older sister and mother verbally abusing her, her family never taking her to the dentist or doctor etc. Honestly I could go on and to make it worse she survived all of that while defending her younger brother who is 7 years younger than her, from as much as she could by herself. I know, it makes what I am going through seem small but because of her past, she can sometimes be really hard person to live with. She can get really really angry at small things (to the point where she gets in my face and calls me a peice of shit and blocks my exit so I cannot leave), has really bad impulse control and let us her eating and spending get out of control frequently despite very badly wanting to do the opposite, has a pretty hard time taking no for an answer. Break up with her. Right? At least that what I would say to someone if I heard about that. I would say if you are not happy, or getting what you need out of a relationship there is no reason to put yourself through that kind of strain. The thing is, she is a really really sweet person who always manages to make me laugh, always notices when I am not feeling happy, surprises me with little displays of affection, and is almost always willing to come to the table and talk about what is going on and what we can do to fix it. She shares most of my interests and what she is not really that invested in, she learns about anyway and let us me show her and genuinely gives me her full attention when I talk about them. I end up feeling conflicted inside all of the time around her. it is really been wearing on me lately and in the last few months and I just do not know what to do. But wait... there is more! On top of all of that bullshit college is starting soon and I am extremely anxious about messing that up too. I fully understand the importance of college and the effect it can have on your future career and that makes it all the harder on me mentally. I am just tired of feeling like a disappointment and so desperately want to feel like I used to: competent. If you slogged through that word vomit and are reading this now all I have to say is thank you. Any advice or kind words are welcome but not necessary at all. Tldr: I made some really poor choices and feel too anxious and depressed to do anything about it. Made this account so my gf would not see this post. Just a sad story with a lot of self pity thrown in. (This going to be a really long post and I am sorry)",Depression +22438,"EverythingI just know I willEverything's going to be better than I imagine In about a decade, I will look at everything from this decade and the past one and laugh",Depression +22439,Am I that difficult to love? I am questioning,Suicidal +22440,"there is too much to say and I want to keep this simple. I feel so weak and disconnected from reality. Nothing has ever been ok with me, especially since my dad died five years ago, and then two years ago realizing I have been living a lie. Even long before then, nothing has ever felt normal.I have never felt stable and I do not think I ever will. My social anxiety is so so bad. I feel constantly threatened by everyone when I am out in public; I feel like I could be attacked any moment I am outside somewhere alone.I die inside from people seeing my disgusting outer she will of myself instead of how I have always wanted to be seen. I scream internally from the tragic fact that I have never had a close female friend or a childhood where I could have really grown to be my own womanly self, you know? I feel fucking robbed.I have never kept a job longer than four months in the past five years... because there always comes a point where my social anxiety goes through the roof every time. In one instance, I had a near psychotic episode during which I felt like reaching for a gun. It freaked me because it came out of nowhere. it is sad too because most of them have been part-time jobs. I just feel pathetic because my body cannot handle any amount of manual labor anymore and my mind cannot handle people. I feel so weak and fucked. I hate the fact that we are all cursed to work and throw away the best years of our lives until we can finally retire with less than a couple decades to enjoy the rest of our weakened crippled existence. I do not like work and I do not like it period. I am almost at the point where I am considering crime or something. Maybe I can go wreck something and scream at the top of my lungs and get myself sent to a psych ward; maybe that could get me disability... probably not. Maybe injure and permanently handicap myself. I am just desperate ok? I should have never been stripped of the disability I was getting up until I turned 18 (I was diagnosed with mild autism so that is why I was getting it, but they removed my eligibility the moment I became a legal adult... even though they should not have because, if anything I am way more fucked up and disabled now). You want to know what I like? What my passion is? The only thing in the entire universe that sets my heart aflame? it is writing, but not just *writing*: it is writing these sci fi/fantasy stories I have been having in my head since childhood. (I do not ever want to **work** as a writer because making it a standard job would kill my only passion forever and if that is gone then I am definitely gone..)So yeah, I have always wanted to make a series of graphic novels based on these childhood stories of mine. And I feel so stupid for not getting serious about it till a couple months ago. I am writing a thousand words a day just to practice and to hopefully improve as time goes on. I have been paying a wonderful artist bits of my dwindling money to make these beautiful concept arts of my main characters... this is what makes me still feel alive. To share my stories. I do not even care if I make that much money out of it. I can be poor the rest of my life and if one or two people like my story, my life is complete. But it is so hard to maintain my hope. I feel like I am treated like shit with every job I attempt. I currently looking at a sign spinner job lol which seems promising. it is crazy though... I do not ask for much (just a few hours a day, like 3 or 4, preferably 3... I do not want to work longer than I typically write each day) and yet the world seems to ask too much of my fucked up self.... My money is running out and I hope I find something tolerable. Because I am getting closer and closer to just wanting a car to hit me or something. Do I want to commit suicide? I do not know. I have a lot going for me with my writing... if I die, a universe dies with me. But I hate myself and how I am so broken, lost, and delirious that I cannot ever feel like a normal human... like it makes me want to hurt myself a lot. Thank you so much if you have taken the time to listen to my venting. do not mind me, just a mentally ill trans girl who feels like she will never be able to keep a job and has little to no future...",Suicidal +22441,"I do not want to die i really do not, but the last few years of my life have been very terrible. I have lots of people in mylife that love and care about me but i still feel empty and alone every day i wake up. I feel hopeless and lost. I feel afraid and trapped in my own mind. I have tried to end my life once before but i failed because i cannot even get that right. My mom and sister will probably never forgive me but i hope one day they will understand. Life will go on, people will go in with their lives and society will keep moving forward because in the end no one truly cares about you. I wish a beautiful life full of joy and happiness to you all. I am sorry but i cannot live like this any longer. <3 I am ending it tonight",Suicidal +22442,I posted on this sub so many times because my mental health was driving me to let people mistreat me. After a lot of advice I finally moved on from my toxic ex because my depression kept getting worse witb her. But now I have moved on and found peace and i cannot help but to feel as if I do not deserve it. It seems like my mental illness truly impacts every part of my life even when I get something right I finally moved on from my ex,Depression +22443,"Life is one big game of distracting yourself with things that will not last and then lying to yourself and saying the little moments were worth it. Friendships fade, careers end, people die, money gets spent, memories are forgotten. I am sick of pretending that some stupid shit like a sunset or a friendly encounter makes the 99% of shit that ranges from mundane to completely miserable is worth it for those little moments. My family is the only reason I do not go through with it. People are just happy because they are distracted",Suicidal +22444,I want to fall in love again. Looking into that person's eyes and think how much you are grateful to be with that person. How you feel complete with them. How you jjst cannot get your hands off them and your eyes off them. How you just want to cuddle and hold each other hands. How does it feel again? cannot I fall in love again? Fall in Love,Depression +22445,"A lot of people 'like' me, and I think a few even 'love' me (though I do not think there is a single person that feels both).If my Mom had not given birth to me, I would be nothing more than a freak and layabout to her--that might be worthy of pity--because I am so obviously going to Hell.My 'friends' think I am great when I put on a brave face and act fun or interesting but are never really there for me if I need anything. I do not know if I am too much, or not enough; but in the end, I am always only ever alone.Going to get drunk and go out tomorrow night, but the fact that I have absolutely nothing meaningful to look forward haunts me. I found the noose I made (and later hid) the year before, I think it is the only thing solid and certain and comforting in my life right now.Writing this, it just becomes more obvious that I am just a waste of time and space--if you are reading this: find someone more worthy and respond to them instead. I am so lucky",Suicidal +22446,"I might lose my job soon, the girl I like does not like me. I am lost in life and I see not one reason to live. I have two options jump off a bridge or take some pills and die. I never actually planned dying but I am done with life. Not one good thing happens to me. I just want to be done with I have no purpose left anymore. I have lost it all and I want to die",Suicidal +22447,"i cannot believe people actually perceive me, and think about me. i cannot believe I am real? i do not know, its just weird. i want to cease out of existence, i feel like I am going to explode, all of these feelings and emotions bottled up, i just want to fucking explode but i cannot even fucking cry, I am so mad at myself, i hate myself , hate myself so much perception",Depression +22448,"I do not know where else to go. This is the time in my life where my motivation tank is completely empty. I feel like I am holding myself together at the seams and I can do little more than just the very bare minimum of activities. I shower twice a week max. I am just so tired and I am tired of being so tired. It all feels heavy like the river god from spirited away walking to the bath house. And the world and the future is so bleak. I have so little to look forward to because its the end of the world and I feel too powerless and dumb to do anything about it. I feel like I am not good at anything. Not good enough at least to actually make a difference. I do not know how to make a difference. I am not that good at science, I am not that good at art or music or all the other things I do. I just have basic knowledge of lots of subjects but I am too dumb and lazy to be good enough to actually be good enough to survive on it. And I am so tired. I do not think my partner understands the depth of my depression. The support I get from him is silence or basic advice along the lines of well when I am sad I like to exercise and get the stuff I need to do done and it makes me feel better. Its not ill intended, its just misguided. And I do not know if he thinks giving me space is what I need because he stops talking to me for days (long distance relationship at the moment for his work so he is understand my busy) It just makes me feel so alone and useless hence why I am here word vomiting on this subreddit because I am so tired and I do not know what to do. I have to call a counselor but I have not even beeen able to get myself to do that . I am not actively seeking or thinking about suicide, but if I was put in a life or death situation, its hard thinking I would not really fight for my life.",Depression +22449,"i ran alone.i live at the base of Mount Rainier in Washington State. it is only 6 miles from my house to Longmire. from Longmire, i ran to Paradise via trails.there were moments where i contemplated jumping. i nearly broke down. but i kept on running.families. couples. i think i only saw a few people by themselves. i always greeted everyone with smiles, stopped, and let them pass.it was beautiful today, but i honestly did not see it: [ was only 15+ miles. i stopped at Paradise for a bit. saw people having a good time. saw people coming down off of the mountain. laughter.i felt like complete shit. long distance-ish running on the Wonderland Trail",Depression +22450,"I am so depressed and my suicidal ideations have never been this strong. I lost a lot of meaningful friendships this past month and a half, and now I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I am in the process of trying to get settled in with my new roommates in a new apartment, but due to certain circumstances I still cannot move stuff into my room, and actually get all moved in. Seeing all my things sprawled around, not being able to have my own space, and not being able to know when or how Ill get settled is making me so incredibly restless. On top of that I am currently dealing with a back injury that is keeping me from going to work, and that also sucks immensely. Genuinely I have tried to get better and be patient and try to keep a positive outlook on life but honestly it just seems like its one thing after the other. Not only am I dealing with a lot of changes and stress, I am also dealing with really severe depression and anxiety causing me constant distress and now I am dealing with mild spouts of dissociative symptoms, where I start questioning everything and realize that I honestly am not present for half of the shit I do. I literally have no more meaningful friendships, or a close relationship with my family so it sucks dealing with all of this without any means of support, emotionally and physically. Honestly I have nothing worth keeping me alive for, literally nothing lol. I am just so incredibly tired, life is literally so bleak and I know if I died literally no one would be impacted. probably the most depressed I have ever been lol",Depression +22451,I have struggled with mental health for a long time but lately I have been hurting in a way I have never felt. Almost like I am mourning myself when I am not even gone yet. I am going about my days as normal as possible and feel like an empty vessel. It has been so hard to get myself back on my feet and I feel so alone in my journey. I feel most alone when I try to open up to family and friends but they cannot understand. I used to be so put together and my life has just been falling apart. I feel more and more like a disappointment and burden to others. I recently suffered a traumatic injury. I have been playing that off too but I feel different now. After everything I just do not have energy for anything. I feel like my light went out. I am not doing okay,Depression +22452,"I very recently just got 6 xanax pills, and I so wish that it would be enough to kill me if I washed them down with alcohol. If it were guaranteed to kill me, I would take them in a second. I am so tired of being alive and suffering from the mental anguish of depression, anxiety, and past trauma that haunts me from the second I wake up until I fall asleep. it is so fucking difficult to just get out of bed every single fucking day. I am so exhausted and just want this to end Just want to be done",Suicidal +22453,"I cannot do this anymore. this world is such a cruel place, I just do not want to be a part of it anymore. bye. I love you I cannot",Suicidal +22454,"day 3 on here and things got worse. Honestly I do not know why I am here anymore. I feel like a punching bag for everyone to just insult me more and more. I always try to rush to the aid of people but it feels like everyone just watches when I am hurting. My family, my friends do not even care at this point and I am past the point myself of caring. I feel nothing at this point and everytime I get up I take more and more time to get out of bed because honestly what is the point if I hear the same shit everyday from my family? Idk even know why I am writing this anymore. Idk.",Depression +22455,"Two years ago I moved to the US for college. I am 19 now, and I am Arab. I knew moving abroad would come with challenges, but I cannot help but feel like so much of what I think, have to say, even feel in reaction to situations is different from everyone around me. I feel like my emotions are exaggerated, I express them too warmly (not in a good way) compared to other people. I feel like I am amazed and impressed by things others around me do not bat an eye on. I feel like so much of how I feel is extra, overly emotional, not fitting for the situation, like I am overflowing. Its really hard to describe. But its really alienating. I know I am not the first person to move abroad and feel alienated, but I just did not think it would happen in this way. I thought that was things like different cultural norms, language barrier, feeling homesick, etc. that made you feel alienated. But I am internalizing this so much. Feeling like I myself am abnormal. I do not know if this makes sense.... just posting this to see if anyone relates. Feeling like a literal alien...",Depression +22456,do not invite me somewhere and then when I show up give me shit because I never come around. Like do you know how hard it was to get here and then get shit on? Like I am over it. Back Handed Invites,Suicidal +22457,"I have a plan and I am almost ready. I will not let myself wake up again. I am not afraid of dying, what I am most afraid of is having to wake up every day feeling the same pain I have felt for the past two years",Suicidal +22458,"At a certain point, I realized that all the pain I wanted to inflict on others and the world was just a projection of my inner self-loathing. I figured that there was no point in inflicting the suffering that I was going through onto other people. I guess you can call me a ""reformed evil"" of sorts. Although I hate myself more than anything else, I am starting to experience something I have never felt before: unconditional love for the human race. I am beginning to look up to all of you with extreme admiration. So much so to the point where I feel like I do not deserve to live amongst humans anymore. I feel subhuman. As a word of encouragement, if you feel inferior, insignificant, or jealous of others, remember that I exist, and I can assure you that you are far superior to me. More importantly, I love you. I love you for who you are and I love you for simply existing regardless of your race, political views, religion, strength, intelligence, or kindness. I love you for being you. I used to hate the world, now I just hate myself",Depression +22459,Help meplease. I am messedup rn. I lost everything and just need a couple dollars. $ parishrmack I sleep outside. I am doing the best i can to find work but i also smell bad. I am starving n just want some money for food. This is my last resort before i start stealing food. I will give you proof whate Help mepleas I am a Broken and embarrassed woman contemplating suiiicide. I am homeless n hungry,Suicidal +22460,"Every day is fucking shit, takes so much energy just to go through. I have nothing and it would be amazing if I could just not be here. It would probably make it easier for everyone else as well. Is this life some kind of punishment that I have to go through",Suicidal +22461,"Fuxk dude, I just need the mental strength to do it, please just help me meet this goal, do not try convincing me that its all worth it and how much people will miss me please... I just need a reason for this al to be over.I just need the balls to commit to the end and have the guts to end this shit. I am tired of getting pummeled.I am begging, please let it end Drunk at atm",Suicidal +22462,"I wish I had been better to you. I wish I had not hurt us so much.We were so full of life, of wonder, I long again for that naive awe. When we could stay up till midnight and catch dreams in the palms of our hands. Counting the stars with our fingertips and watching videos waiting for the birds to wake. Golden hour and boyhood dreams, waiting for that lucky person. I mourn the moments of sibling rivalry and parently hugs, I mourn our happiness. I mourn our innocence.I am sorry I never protected you from him. I am sorry I let it get this far. I am sorry that you stifle tears when you are touched. 10 years old. You know you never deserved it, right? You did not ask for it. You never led him on. I am sorry you want to be abused, I am sorry that the love you know is saturated in manipulation. He was 18 and you were 13, you knew it was not okay and yet you loved him still. But you were a child, how can anyone ask you to be emotionally mature?I am sorry that you are lonely, you have pushed them away. You regret it, do not you? You seek love in the bite of a blade, and the kiss of a lit flame.You want to die and I have caused it. I am so sorry. To the child I once was, I am so sorry for what I have done.",Suicidal +22463,"I cannot do this anymore, I just want to hang myself and be done with everything. it is been so hard the past 2 years. And quarantine just tripled the pain, I have been trying to keep going. But I cannot do it anymore... I just want to die",Suicidal +22464,"I used to think I would either burn out into a pile of ashes or beat depression to become fiercely ""successful"". I am in a third place instead.I struggle almost every day to get through my normal responsibilities. I struggle to have an optimistic outlook on my future. I struggle to socialize as much as other people, not to mention maintain a romantic relationship. I struggle against my addiction to youtube and podcasts, my last standing vices to distract me when reality becomes too much. But rather than let those struggles get to me and because me to spiral downward, or letting those struggles fuel motivation for me to rise up and ""persevere"" through my suffering, I do neither. I say ""that is okay"". I wake up every single morning of every single day wishing I were not living the life that I am. that is okayI drown my awareness in free internet content to keep my conscious mind from having to face the totality of my situation. that is okayI contribute to the unsustainable consumption of non-renewable resources and rampant pollution across the globe that will devastate our species' well being and drive countless more to extinction. that is okayI feel my heart palpitate and strain to keep up with moderate exercise after years of sedentary life. I hear my ears constantly ring at different pitches after years of inexorable overactive stress. that is okayI'm not self destructing, I am not crashing out. I am just drifting off. I am sinking into quick sand. I am floating into open ocean. There is no catastrophe, there is no drama, there is only equanimity and surrender. Equanimity in Surrender",Depression +22465,"I thought I was getting better but I have just been distracted. Frankly I do not know what I am doing or what is going on. I am not really close to anyone and I am tired of venting to guys that want to fuck me. I want a way out. I feel stuck. Its mostly just existential dread, intrusive thoughts, stress over the future, and other shit. It will not go away. Current state of mind",Depression +22466,"About a year ago, I finally came to terms with ending it all. My final trigger will be the loss of my job. I was told 2 years ago that I will lose my job, but they keep stringing us along. Its coming soon. I have cleaned out most of my house except for the essential creature comforts, it will be easy for someone to finish cleaning up. I plan to leave as little mess or trouble behind as possible. I am 38, and have been alone nearly my entire life. I have everything but love and affection. A very good paying job(for now) with one of the largest companies in the world, a house, 2 cars. I do not even look at my bank account, I know the money is there. I was born to older parents, they were married 30 years before I was born(last of three) and they hated each other. their relationship was strictly business by the time I came along, never saw affection between them. My sister was 10 years older and she was more like a distant relative. my brother, 5 years older, died in a car accident at 19. My mom died when I was 20. I was never close to my dad or sister, the only remaining family. We tried when my sister had a kid, but spending time with each other was like sitting in a waiting room with strangers. &#x200B;I have always been the loser, the one to be picked on. I have been told since early on that I am ugly and creepy. It goes back early in elementary school when someone told a girl that I liked her and she cried. I spent my entire school career barely surviving panic attacks and anxiety. My parents never taught me how to take care of myself, I was the smelly dirty kid all the way through high school. I did not attend any sort of social gatherings, or even my graduation. No romantic interests from anyone. Some how after high school, I got a girlfriend for about 2 years. Still a dirty kid, I do not know how that happened. She left me, my mom died shortly after, and I started to learn how to groom myself. 15 years of zero romantic interest from anyone, from 20 to 35. about 10 years of that on every dating site, I paid for all the perks and crap. barely anyone will even talk to me. Managed to get a handful(5ish) of first dates over 10 years, never a second. One girl met me in the parking lot of a restaurant for dinner and literally said ""nope"" and 180'd to her car. At 35, I met Laura online, and managed to date for a few months. She was, on paper, everything I ever wanted. There was something wrong, she was just so cold, zero affection. There was some things I knew would lead to a toxic relationship, and I broke up with her. I still feel that was a mistake. That maybe I could have been a better person. She was just sort of immature and, i do not know. She was in her 30's and lived at home with mom/dad, was a teacher at the same high school she went to, she was just like a perpetual 17 year old.anyway, 3 years later. this past holiday, the 4th, was the first time in 3 years that I have seen anyone outside of work. I cannot socialize anymore. everyone is married with kids, I am almost 40 and have spent my entire life alone. I have missed everything, never taken a trip, no weekends away, no amusement parks, no beach, no holidays. How can i do those things without someone to share the experience with, is not that the point? I spend every holiday alone in my house watching TV. I have not celebrated my birthday, probably since my mom died 18 years ago, and that is only because she would bake a cake.I have cleaned out most of my house, I have severed ties with the few coworkers that I kept in touch with after they moved on. I have not talked to what is left of my family in almost 5 years. Soon we will finish the final contracts at work, and I will be let go, and I will finally be free of the pain. Almost to the final precipice",Depression +22467,1. Help meplease. I am messedup rn. I lost everything and just need a couple dollars. $ parishrmack I sleep outside. I am doing the best i can to find work but i also smell bad. I am starving n just want some money for food. This is my last resort before i start stealing food. I will give you proof whatever you Homeless starving and desperate. I really need help,Suicidal +22468,Can someone who has attempted suicide please explain to me what they feel / go through when they attempt to end their life? I do not want to kill myself but often fantasize about jumping off a bridge or a building,Suicidal +22469,Help meplease. I am messedup rn. I lost everything and just need a couple dollars. $ parishrmack I sleep outside. I am doing the best i can to find work but i also smell bad. I am starving n just want some money for food. This is my last resort before i start stealing food. I will give you proof . Just need some help someone to talk to. Very desperate and suic.idal,Depression +22470,"i struggled with suicidal thoughts last year when covid first started. i had no hope in living, i could not see my friends, i could not play the sport i love, i could not see any of my family, i was stuck at home. it was a horrible experience for me. this past year ( 2021 ) have honestly been the best year of my life. i started getting back on track and realizing life is such a great thing and if i did commit i would miss out on everything. ever since, all i thought about was helping people get past their toughest stage in life and help them get back on track like i did and just honestly see how beautiful life is. suicide is a long term problem for a short term problem. if you ever need someone to talk to, reach out to me please. reach out please.",Suicidal +22471,I somehow managed to stop feeling suicidal for a few months and now I am back to being miserable. Like I do not think I am cut out for this. I really do not think I can handle life. I wish it was not so hard all the time. I am back,Suicidal +22472,"I just cannot shake the feeling depending on the day to just take my glock put it in my mouth and pull the trigger. The only reason I have not yet is because I am afraid of what happens next. I just do not find enjoyment out of anything. I am on a serotonin inhibitor that worked (numbed the feeling) for a while but I could tell it was just a fake happy.Feel free to have a Q and A. I would love to have an intellectual conversation as to why, from my perspective. Sometimes it helps me to see things/explore things from a different angle. Sometimes I just want to",Suicidal +22473,"I really wanted to post anonymous but I cannot and sad to say too lazy to create another screen name...ugh But I just wanted to know why the F can things be going Sooooooo Well to overnight the first and last thing I think about is killing myself!! Yes I have Major past trauma as a child and do not know how to heal this shit! I have tried counseling and some medications. I have tried a few alternative therapy techniques that have not worked but I am Very Interested in trying Ayahuasca, I have done alot of research on it and am now reaching out to anyone that has tried this to ""purge"" themselves of these ""unwarranted & undeserved mental Intrusions"" as I like to think of them (it helps my mental state to place these traumas in that category)... Ayahuasca experience, anyone tried this??",Suicidal +22474,"I have to start making plans. I cannot cope, I ruined myself. It sucks because I am going to miss being me. Ill be gone next month",Suicidal +22475,"Every single day i wake up and i feel empty, lost, hopeless and lonely. I have people around me that care and love me but i still feel this was every time i wake up. I am tired of living a life where i feel unwanted and neglected. My life is a sinkhole getting deeper every day. I have already attempted to end my life once but failed. I feel like a loser. I feel drained",Suicidal +22476,"The only reason I am taking them is because my family thinks they are the only thing that can help me now and I do not want to disobey them because I have already disappointed them enough in life. They have supported me more than most other parents I know and that is honestly the only thing preventing me from taking any other extreme measure but lately they have also been tired and given up all hope and all they do is taunt me now. The antidepressants I am taking are doing nothing except making me gain weight, making me feel tired all day and worst of all, they have turned me Into a freaking zombie. I feel like a psychopath and cannot empathize with anybody or anything anymore. The weight gain is making me further self conscious instead of helping me. The worst part is that I cannot even stop them cold turkey because my asshole Dr has prescribed parox/paxil which has severe withdrawal even at low doses. Just wanted to get all this outta my system because honestly, it was getting suffocating. Fuck antidepressants.",Depression +22477,"Disclaimer: If you need to seek care for your mental health, do not let anyone stand in your way. Its always a good idea to put yourself first and ask for support if needed.We are often inundated with the same phrase ""If you need help, talk to somebody! Ask for help. People are there to help you. Talk to your friends or family. do not hold it all inside!""that is it though. What if somebody just *says* that but dosen't actually listen when you reach out to them?What about the people who have dropped your friendship or blocked you out of their lives once you opened up? What then? What about people who have been so put off by your suffering that they avoid you like it is them who is traumatized? What if you reach out for help and people disregard your feelings, invalidate you and ignore you?Many times in my life people have told me to reach out. Ask for help. If you ever feel this way again, tell me. But those people were just saying that. They were not prepared to help you handle the pain you are in. And it hurts. It can take years for someone to open themselves up and ask for some support. To ask for a friend. When that person is brushed off? it is agonizing. I know some of you have been here before. I want to remind you of this simple fact: When people ignore, criticize or invalidate your suffering it is their fault not yours. I want to remind you: someone is reaction to you is not a reflection of your mental health. Just because someone says it is not that bad, does not make it true. You know best, it is your mind. Not theirs I want to remind you: I would not be typing this right now if at some point I did not call for help. I am an attempt survivor. I have seen some of the worst out of psychiatric units and some of the best. The world is full of absolute assholes and just because they have a degree dosent mean they care. But, again i must remind you: Just because a professional has become jaded it does not take away your truth. What I have learned is that Suicidal thinking is often the end solution to the pain we have suffered, or to a situation that feels hopeless/helpless. Its a thought many people have when they feel there are no options left. it is definitely one of the worst feelings ever because it is usually paired with this dysphoric thinking. Nothing. No one. Never. Ever. it is isolating, frustrating and lonely to feel these thoughts. I would not wish it on anyone. But you are here right now. you are still fighting. Even if some days you fight more, and other days you rest, you are still here. you are still going forward. you are still surviving. I will end by saying I acknowledge the pain you are in. I still go through it too. I have found ways to cope through therapy and lots of work on my own time. But it did not ""go away"" for me. The thoughts still come up from time to time when something really bad happens to me. But it is better and therapy is what helped me stop wanting to act on these urges. What works for me might not work for you. But I want to give you hope right now. Because there was a time I had none and almost parted from this life prematurely. I do not want this for you. I am sorry you are struggling. I believe you If you try to reach out and no one listens...read this",Suicidal +22478,"Sooooo, you can call me childish but I FUKING LOVE the trolls movie!!! Like, those movies are so fuking happy amd shit that i get happy too.I like the second one better . I discovered a thing and i need to share.",Suicidal +22479,I feel so fucking unlovable. My last gf dumped me a week before valentines day and a month before our 1 year. She left me for a guy at her work. I have tried and been turned down so often i just do not even now where to begin anymore. Should i even try? I have had a girl literally block me for asking about her hobbies. Is it even worth it anymore. Like what the fuck is the point of it all. I just feel so fucking broken,Depression +22480,"I see these people portrayed on the silver screen, die. Die when they want nothing more than to live. I see that and wish to myself it could be me who does instead. I imagine all the fears and worries I would never have to face again. All the monotony, boredom, pain, suffering, all of it gone. Return to the dark, the void, nothingness. Home. The good things in life are a pittance to pay to escape the horrors of life. The humiliation that accompanies it. If only a quick death was so forthcoming in the real world. it is somewhat odd how I simultaneously see the deaths of others as a tragedy and my own as a freedom, as an escape from punishment. Whenever I watch movies I wish I could take the place of characters who die",Suicidal +22481,"Of a brain tumor or something with the ongoing stress.Background -24m started a business (when 23) for two reasons-1. cannot see myself working for other's ambitions2. Love moneySo, it is been a year now, and I cannot seem to stabilize the business in any area - employee retention (need skilled labour. People are not willing to learn and skip off when given a minimum wage in the beginning, just for the learning period), sales (hit by the pandemic).Of late, the stress is increasing and today it reached to a point where I cannot seem to calm myself anymore. I have been trying and testing new things to better this business, but now it seems everything's going to be in vain. cannot stop thinking and overthinking. I literally earn 5%-10% of what my friends earn, but I always thought that it will explode once it takes off. Have put in a lot of my family's money already to back off, and that is even more depressing. Been trying to get ahold of this anxiety for the past half hour, but idk.Any tips to help me calm down are appreciated. Thanks in advance. I think I am going to die",Depression +22482,"I have been with out substances for about two months now. I think I had it in my head that when I stopped (living cleanly, waking up early, exercising) I would feel better.However I do not.There has been something holding onto my throat since I was 12 and it is fingers keep grasping tighter.I do not think I can loosen the grip | True happiness eludes me Surely some revelation is at hand; Surely the Second Coming is at hand. And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? Update",Depression +22483,"Welp I did it again and I do not want anyone to ask me about them, any tips on what to wear until they heal over? Any tips on what to wear to hide self-harm scars?",Depression +22484,"I am 17 yo and i really do not know why i feel like this, I have, and had a not particularly good but a good life I do not know if I am . Yet I feel like something is missing, I often feel very lonely, feel like I do not have a future or that does not have any hope for that, and I normally feel so lazy, I just think ""Why bother, it will not matter in the end"". I have some ""good"" days, when I go meet with some friends. Whenever I have a bad day I cannot talk to anyone because I do not feel like anyone would treat my problems are worth it or would just make fun of me because of them, most because I do this when thinking about them. I really want to change, but i always feel the lazyness coming and i just gave up whatever I am going to try. I feel so hopeless. &#x200B;(Sorry for my bad english, it is not my first language). I do not know, it just feel like too much in my head",Depression +22485,"Each day that passes by, I seem to find solace more and more in the thoughts of death. How relieving it must be to be relinquished of our suffering, loneliness, anxieties, worries, hardships, failures. Ah, it must feel like an era of constipation succumbing to a small opening. I want to feel this energy coursing through my veins dissipate into everywhere and bloom like branches of lilacs. I want to feel the end of everything. I have had enough of this mystery of life. For some, it is a great joy to explore life but for me, I am an actor being excited about the joy in life. As a child, I remember feeling so different from everyone else and begging to know the answer to the reverberating question ""Why me?"". But back then, I was hopeful. Scratch that. I was nave. To think that I will know why? That the future will get any better? I wish to revert back to him and keep dreaming about happiness. I want to rid of these thoughts. My future stinks of failures, it constantly shouts worries at me, it exudes some disgusting repellant, it cripples my mind with the thoughts of never-ending loneliness. Death has fooled me for so long. Why is death hidden away in the pockets of the dead? Why is death so stigmatic? Why do we fear death so much that our fear sometimes leads to it? Each day that passes by, the more I realize that death is our hero and savior in our transient lives. Death is our true God that hides. Death is nothingness and nothingness sounds more sweet than everything. Death is sounding more sweet as each day passes by",Suicidal +22486,"You know how people say there is a lot of stigma around mental health right? I am a mental health nurse and I struggle with this shit. After helping people for years and just sort of getting by --as my relationships crumbled around me--- and as I felt like I was slipping down more and more into a deep abyss...I am finally on the path to getting help for myself.I realized I was in some deep shit when I was on a family vacation. Looking around I saw everyone having a great time while on a boat ride. Me, I just wanted to die and spent the day fighting back tears while thinking ""why the fuck cannot I enjoy myself?"" ""What the fuck is wrong with me?"" And ""why cannot I just be normal?"" A week prior to that moment I was looking off of the edge of a 4 story building waiting for some food at a rooftop restaurant wondering "" would the jump be enough to end my pain?""While I have these thoughts, I know I would never act on them. In my line of work I have seen what happens when plans go wrong too many times. (And more often than not it only leads to worse pain and suffering)On top of that I recently heard of an aquaintance that ended their life, and I can see the pain their family is now feeling. I would never want to transfer my pain to someone else like that.For me, I have already promised my family that I would never hurt myself. I tell my patients all the time you have to find your reason to fight through. Whatever your reason is, no matter how hard it gets, that reason will carry you through to the light of a better day. So here I am, and my reason has kept me here. And now, I can finally admit that I need help. this is just too big for me to go at it alone. My partner was able to help me navigate my most recent crisis and get me set up with a psychiatrist and therapist. ( For which I am so thankful)I avoided this for years despite knowing I needed help ...I am a psych nurse right? I know how to help others fix this sort of thing...I should be able to fix myself too...right?Anyway, I am writing this for everyone here that is struggling. To tell you it gets better. Find your reason, stay strong, and most importantly reach out. Help is available. If you really feel like you are going to hurt yourself go to your local Emergency Room they will be able to help you through the worst and hopefully connect you to resources in your community.For me right now just taking this ""little"" step of admitting I need help and making a plan has given me an unbelievable level of relief. Just knowing that I am finally trying to take control over this illness rather than let it control me is liberating! I feel like the pressure that was in my head has started to release. After months of feeling like shit and years of being 'down' I actually feel somewhat human again, rather than this empty void nothingness. do not get me wrong I am not 100% cured or better by any stretch of the imagination but I feel like it is a start in the right direction--- so much so, that I was even able to go out for a date with my partner tonight and actually enjoy it. I feel so relieved I am finally on my way to starting therapy and getting help for my severe depression and intermittent suicidal ideation.",Suicidal +22487,"Suicide is not a stupid idea to do, I hate how there is this social norm of suicide is a bad thing to do. Well I think not, it takes guts just to off yourself. Ever since this pandemic happen my mental mindset went down hill. The thought of disappearing is in my mind sometimes but I do not have the will power to follow through my action. Venting",Suicidal +22488,"let us see if we can get to 72, probably can. My anger fuels me, fuck I hate being alive. Have not eaten anything in over 48 hours",Suicidal +22489,"For the past 2-3 years I spent my time diving deep into text about the universe, spirituality being positive etc. I have officially lost my mind. It gets too deep. I do not know what is real anymore and the point for anything and I have become numb. Numb to a point where I feel like I am always a Asshole or idk. I generally care for anyone but everything is so hard to do now a days. I cannot seem to make my family proud. I am lazy I do not feel like cleaning up. Its too hard to keep eating I lack desire to eat or move or do anything. I am a 19 year old female living in NJ. I do not like parties etc. I do not want to go to school. I hate the state of the world and I tried to be that better person for it but it just does not work. Its becoming a drag. I love my boyfriend but I feel like I am becoming a nuisance to him. My insecurities are getting him annoyed I can tell and I do not know how to like myself anymore. I feel like an alien I do not even relate to how I look. I feel bipolar I instantly regret the things I say/do I feel like I have 20 different people inside me. I tell myself I want to do what is right, the better thing but then I just do not. I was not like this before as I started to dive into occult & the universe I lost my sense of self,reality etc. nobody around me seems to have it figured out either. It seems as though there is literally no point of existing. I have already left my body before & I feel like I know what is on the other side. I am tired of making decisions like what to eat or what career to pick or how to pay bills or which doctor can fix my damaged toe. Etc.its just so much I have problems with. I have not one friend I have acquaintances who are fake . Please convince me to live I feel like I have a valid reason to kill myself",Suicidal +22490,I do not feel anything at all I just feel really numb,Depression +22491,"Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to be a vet; however, I cannot help and feel that I will never achieve that dream. I have been in college since 2016, and I have had to retake multiple classes. I will be taking biology for the 4th time due to having to withdraw due to covid and having emergency surgery a few semesters ago. I am also still in remedial math and cannot even do math at a sixth-grade level. I also have a mild disability, and I am afraid that it will prevent me from becoming a vet. I am not in a rush to finish college, but I cannot help and feel as though I will be judged for it. I do not want to keep blaming my depression for my failures in life. Still, they are certainly a significant factor in it. I wish that society would understand how draining college can be. Struggling to find motivation in college",Depression +22492,"But it feels like my only last option, if I do not do it I will live the rest of my life in pain. It sucks alot. I hate how suicide is consider selfish, like why do people care anyways? Why cannot they care while the person is alive, giving hints that they want to kill themselves. And then when it actually happens, everyone all of a sudden starts caring. I had a friend who literally told everyone that he wanted to kill himself. The very next month he hung himself and everyone started caring then, why did not they care before?!?! If I knew that he was feeling the way he felt, I would of gotten help for him as soon as possible and I would of helped him with his financial situation. But it was too late. it is been a year since his death. I am sorry for the long vent, it just confuses me when people only care when your dead. I told my family in vivid detail about what I am going to do to myself and all they said was ""do not do that"" like wtf is that going to do, take me to the hospital damn it lol I really do not want to do this",Suicidal +22493,I know you Redditors do not know me personally. Please pray for me. Please Pray For Me,Depression +22494,"So I missed a dosage of my medicine on accident recently, and it got me thinking and I realising something.I will literally never be what is defined as a 'normal' person. I will always be labelled as someone with mental illness, whether I like it or not. My mother at a recent funeral called me the 'different' 'quiet', and I am pretty sure she even said the 'strange' one. And it did not hit me until now how harsh that was.Now, my mother is not mean to me by any means, but that just kind of sucks to hear. I am tired of being basically called subhuman by people. I cannot help how I act or appear to other people. I am mentally aware I am different. But it does not need to be said outloud. I already know.This sucks. Majorly. I mean, there is nothing I can do about it. I will always be like this for pretty much my lifetime and I am questioning if it is even worth it or not. it is already really hard and exhausting and this is only the start.What am I even supposed to do? or live for at this point? My brain is fucked beyond repair. There is not a ""it gets better"" for me.This is how it will always be for me. And this sucks because I have always wanted a significant other, but I most likely will not be able to find her anymore because it is very hard to be a partner with someone like me.Anyways, going to post this excerpt here for now and maybe write a bit more onto my website.If I even make it until 2022, it will be major achievement. because Idk wtf I am doing. Just realised I will never be 'normal'",Suicidal +22495,"Day 2 of 365 I am here to voice out what is inside my mind, because I really have no one to tell. I have been suffering with depressing thoughts for almost two decades now and this is the only way I can vent out. I hope you guys find solace in this. The eerie feeling of numbness crawls through my stomach to the very bones of my spine. I might not be depressed not having panic attacks but it is a pain I have never really got used to. Alone again in my thoughts as I try to shut my eyes from the hellscape of my mind. Day 2 of 365 days of suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +22496,"Day 2 of 365I am here to voice out what is inside my mind, because I really have no one to tell. I have been suffering with depressing thoughts for almost two decades now and this is the only way I can vent out. I hope you guys find solace in this.The eerie feeling of numbness crawls through my stomach to the very bones of my spine. I might not be depressed not having panic attacks but it is a pain I have never really got used to. Alone again in my thoughts as I try to shut my eyes from the hellscape of my mind. Day 2 of 365",Suicidal +22497,"Sometimes it feels like the world is just too heavy and I am too sensitive to handle it all. I often get overwhelmed by the bad things that happen in the world and the way people treat one another. It feels like my heart and brain were not made for the world that we live in. My family just tells me to toughen up and that I take things too personally but that feels so wrong, becoming someone I am not just to fit in. Just coming here to vent and see if anyone sometimes feels the same. World is too heavy",Depression +22498,"I have been battling this for almost a decade, meds worked but then my psychiatrist reduced the dosage bc idk why. I am fucked up again and just cannot with my life anymore . My body physically will not answer and I cannot get out of bed. I generally never get affected by external things and I am quite resilient. But when MU BODY does not WORK its just absurd. I am constantly trying to convince my family and doctors that I actually feel like this, they do not believe me and there is no way to prove it. I am done fighting for myself I am so tired of trying",Depression +22499,"i cannot seem to envision a future for myself in the country that i live in. I am in a socially conservative asian country, where i cannot even go down the streets while holding my bfs hands without getting weird looks. let alone even envisioning a life with him (I am gay btw). i feel that life is so meaningless and the world is just a terrible place to be in. i suffer from insomnia, and this is one of the main issues that has been plaguing my thoughts and mind since i was a teenager. I am not actively seeking death or what not, but i feel okay if i were to be gone tmr. after all, what is the point? unable to envision my future",Depression +22500,"I do not want to move. I have moved a total of 8 times and I am 17. My parents after only being a year here want to move to a mobile home, now that would be my 9th move. Not to count the year I spent living in Mexico. I am not a military kid, its just my family has experienced financial highs and lows. I know I have to move but I do not want to. When our last move came down to three houses I told my parents I wanted this one, as I envisioned it to be my home. A place where I know Ill always have, a place I can always come back to. I know Ill leave for college soon anyways but I do not want to leave after only a year, I wanted this house to be different. You promised me this was it",Depression +22501,I do not know if its anxiety? I cannot tell because I think I am not depressed. But it has only been 6 months since I last self-harmed and my depression started getting better around March. I am afraid of getting bad again so I just block out all my thoughts. Am I repressing my thoughts? I do not get therapy and I do not plan to. I do not understand and I do not know how I am feeling. I do not know if I have just numbed myself for these few months to make myself think I got better or if I am actually better. I have stopped doing the things I love again and I just cannot find any motivation to do them anymore. I am kind of scared of becoming severely depressed again. Why do I want to cut myself but I am not depressed?,Depression +22502,"everything i do, I will always mess it up. When things are getting better, I ruined it all again. I would never be finally happy or able to make it stay. I do not want to wear a mask but it seems like i have to. I should not give a shit about myself and only think about others. I am nothing and will always be nothing. I am just tired of myself, i would rather be a robot and say the same thing over and over again as long as it would not mess things up again. I do not want to be me anymore. I am just going to be an AI that have no feelings whatsoever because it is the only reason why i keep fucking things up. I do not want to have feelings anymore. I messed up everything again",Depression +22503,Even when I have a decent day (rare) I still want to kill myself at the end of the day. It also makes me mad when I see people having kids because why tf are you bringing more people into this world without their consent just so they can suffer. I have become such a bitter person and I hate it. I am so fucking tired of being alive,Suicidal +22504,At the moment I am cutting my arms I do not know if I can do this anymore just feels like I am buried on everyone. It really does not make sense when people tell they care but do not have a clue how to be there for me I do not know just wish people would be real and tell me to just kill myself at this point that is the only thing that makes so much sense to me. I am tired of being sad and mad at myself for the things I cannot change. Wanting to end my life.,Depression +22505,"i do not really know what to think anymore, mind mind is numb at this point. i have not slept in over 2? maybe three days? all iknow is just wake up and keep going. i cannot remember half the shit i do, instead it is all a long blur. memories mushing together.. i cannot do anything, i crave death so badly but i cannot- my mom takes her anger out on me for the most part. if i tried to leave- whether leaving home or dying all the anger would be directed towards my little brother. I have been through so much shit i just cannot let him go through the same stuff as me. i just want to curl up and not wake up, but every single fucking day i have to wake up again and it hurts.. it hurts so bad. i just feel like a ghost most of the time. i never take care of myself, always making sure others are doing good. keep everyone else happy its my job. i have to. its the only fucking thing i can do right. i cannot do anything else right. I am just really tired",Suicidal +22506,I take anyone situation rather than being like this. I am tired of living man I am hungry i sleep outside and I am ready to end it all,Suicidal +22507,"I was walking outside, wandering in the area when I looked around me and saw all the lights. Car lights, traffic lights, building lights, parking lot lights. They were so beautiful. I do not know why but I cried after seeing them. Lights",Depression +22508,I just want to stop. I want to eat food and go to sleep but i just cannot stop breaking down and crying and i just want my dad I cannot stop crying,Depression +22509,"I am so tired. I do not think I have ever been so close to una living myself and its just out of pure exhaustion and anger. I am so tired of having to fight in my house every single day and have my brothers be dicks every single day, and then get no sleep no matter what I do or take. I have not slept through a night peacefully in 6 months and I have not gotten close to 8 hours in a year. I am just so tired and I am so done with all of the awful people in my life actively trying to make it more awful. Closer than I have ever been",Suicidal +22510,"it seems like every door I was trying to get to keeps closing, and I have a terrible habit of cutting people off thinking when I get there ill meet people who will care about me. today I heard, the school I had been praying to get into did not accept me. every time I put in the effort of trying to get better and find myself a new start out of this sadness I am once again let to see I will always be this way. the worst part is them telling me I did not get in because they did not have the tools for my ADHD. anyways anyone have any advice on how to not feel like giving up. why do I even try",Depression +22511,"If I stay on Reddit, I am going to kill myself. If I do not have Reddit to cope, I am going to kill myself. Looks like its inevitable. I have no more will to keep myself alive for this shit. I cannot take it",Suicidal +22512,"I have felt panic about being old and aging since I was 17. I feel like I am constantly suffering a midlife crisis and now I am 32, single, female, but now I have got bags under my eyes, gaining weight from psych meds. No Family, shit career as an artist, totally broke.I still want to have fun and be carefree and have sex and party but my body just cannot keep up anymore. I do not even know what else I enjoy. People my age are all busy with their careers and kids and families, so the only people i socialize with regularly are so much younger and it just makes me feel ancient.I do not know what to do anymore I feel so old",Suicidal +22513,"for as long as i can remember, I have known my because of death will be suicide. as fucked up as it sounds its comforting to think about.all the these years of fighting, 20+ meds, countless treatments programs and therapists only to be worse off every single time is no longer something ill participate in.all i do is create unnecessary issues for everyone around me. I am a parasite amongst my world of people. to them, i just need to figure it out and do the things i know I am supposed to do but am simply choosing not to do to them I am choosing this life for myself. i guess you could say at this point i am choosing suicide. that would be fair. but only after nothing helped even the slightest. after years of wondering why I am on this earth dealing with this and gaining little to no insight I am tired. I have been fighting this simply to not hurt anybody anymore but that motive is quickly dwindling. its actually nonexistent now. I am simply done. my life is a sick joke put into motion by somehow fucking every single thing up. something so screwy like me does not deserve to breath the air this earth provides. its such a waste. but anyways i hope and pray for relief in all of your hearts tonight. and to mom dad noah and eli, i love you so fucking much and I am so sorry for not being strong enough to get through this. i tried so hard it just was not enough. love sam weird knowing how ill die.",Suicidal +22514,"I have had a rough few months, but these last few weeks have been almost nonstop with this feeling. I put my heart and soul into every person I talk to. I put as much as I can into every interaction I have, but sometimes that passion manifests into babbling or talking about too much because of my ADHD. I would do anything for the people I love and I do that. But when I look around, its almost like constantly waiting for someone to return the favor. I seem like a background character to everyone, while I know some of my friends have people very central to their lives but those people are never me. I just am really at a bit of my own ropes end. I want to ask for help but do not want to have someone roll their eyes and say: again? and its getting to me. I feel quite useless, unloved, and problematic.",Depression +22515,The rule is to wait 24 hours before you take action in doing something you might regret but these last 24 hours have shown me how much I do not want to fucking be here anymore! Bipolar disorder has officially beat me. 24 hour rule,Suicidal +22516,"my town is depressing as fuck like insane levels of boring and my parents did not have a lot of money so i did not get cars and the other fun stuff out here. i ended up losing all my friends and was just depressed sitting around all day. everyone here is really really cold and mean its not like everyone says about small towns.i had a few fun years where i had friends and we hung out every day doing fun stuff (but still never invited to anything and most people hated me) but my parents were poor so i was not going on vacations or anything it was just us hanging out in this boring town. i came back home and it was just a culture shock from hell i walked outside today and it was friday night but everything was pitch black, empty, everything was closed even the bar and it was just totally dead and i could not even see. when i was in the city i could walk outside and just have crowds and trains that go to the beach and all over.i tried being as outgoing as possible since i got back. i messaged every single person i used to know off social media and everyone was just really cold either ignoring me (same as always), i walked around for hours and went places to eat and hung out there, i tried going to the shitty bar but its all shut down for covid for some reason. i cannot even think of a single way to make friends out here i do not have a car and its just like one or two small shops and a small park.even when i lived in the big city i did not make any friends. people were friendlier but i just feel so defeated from living here for so long and i have no friends anywhere or anything I have just been doing stuff completely alone for years, and i got so depressed i just did nothing but drink and smoke weed every day until i passed out and i can barely get out of bed. it feels impossible to do anything without friends and I am not social enough to be able to just walk up to strangers and became friends i just want like 2-3 friends.even when i had friends they were always better at meeting and talking to people and they always had more friends than me and i could get the vibe off them that they can tell I am a loser with barely any friends or does anything. i really do not think i can take anymore loneliness i get suicidal thoughts daily and i get random thoughts where it would just be so much easier to just take one step off a rooftop then just grow old, be alone every day, miserable, having everyone know I am a loser. i already tried killing myself twice and i do tons of dumb shit hoping i diei could go on and on its so fucking bad i feel like i lost my life to my town and i have no friends and i want to kill myself",Suicidal +22517,Done with life. going to kick the bucket. Want it to be short and painless and have access to plenty of firearms to do it with. Just want to make sure I get the job done right and am not forced to live on this shit planet as a vegetable. Best kind of gun to end it with?,Suicidal +22518,"Things have gotten so bad that now my body is trying to make me laugh instead of cry to relieve stress. My heart was killing me. Things keep getting worse. I was scared about my heart earlier, but maybe this is what I need. If my heart fails maybe my body needed that break and I should just let go. Maybe it is time to go",Suicidal +22519,"I have worked so hard at my junior college to get into the college I want to go to. I took all of the requirements and I did not really look at what other colleges need. If I do not get in, I do not know what Ill do. I do not want to work a minimum wage job forever. I do not want to have done all of this work for nothing.Context: 22 y/o girl with diagnosed PTSD, depression, and anxiety No plan B",Depression +22520,"I am 17 almost 18 and I am already dreading my birthday. On my 16 and 17 I practically did nothing, however on my 17 I woke up in the middle of the day to just go down stairs pretend to look happy to then walk back up to then start crying because of how fucked and lonely I was, I have had a year of isolation because of covid but honestly life has been shit.i was already down mentally but i first got depressed after I went to college sixth form for something I was not even interested in, I could get into detail on how everything messed up but I want to focus on the impact of this. I would stay up all night and go in the morning to comeback home tired and to hope I would survive the next day, aslo I would get work done at 4am in the morning to just to prove I did something. Everyday I would go to bed at 5am or did not at all to then just sit on the computer. I was already careless of myself because I would not shower for up to 3 months and listened to music to then cry because I was trapped and always reflected on life. I had no energy to do anything, like I said it was a struggle to even bother washing. Overall I was dreading life and I was scared for my future including suicide, while this was happening my mum was too worried about me getting kicked out of the college and not about my health which just made me feel like a failure which I know I was. I finally just left the college to hopefully do something new and get my head sorted, but I am still lonely and wake up at midday with little energy. I am writing this at 5 am while everyone is gone including my half brother who is with his dad and my mum who is fucked off with a man, so I am left alone with just my thoughts like every weekend. Right now I get depression because I have lost interest in the things i loved and no energy to do anything, also anxiety because I am scared of what I will end up as. I have never thought about killing myself because Ik it will be selfish for my family but at the moment life is not looking promising. it is weird because you never think you would feel like this as a kid. I do not care If nobody reads this, this is just to get my thoughts down. I restart in a new college soon and hopefully my life will change because the last 2 years have been awful Depression at 17 and I am dreading my 18th",Depression +22521,"For context, I am 19 years old and I am starting my second year at a community college in August. I want to take a semester off due to an all time low in motivation. Id rather not wasted my parents money and instead spend that time getting a job, seeing a therapist, working out, really just getting better. The problem with telling them I do not want to go this semester is I have to have a good reason and Id rather not lie to them. They know about my anxiety which is hard enough for me to deal with sometimes but them knowing I have depression is a whole other thing. And I know its not as bad as my brain is telling me it is but I cannot help it. I was hoping to get some advice on the matter because if I do not make up my mind soon Ill lose the opportunity to enroll in class if things do not go play out how I think they might. How do I tell my parents I am depressed",Depression +22522,"I have had to try and deal with all this in silence. No one in my life can handle my issues. I am not consistent, or patient, or fake. I am kind, I love deeply, I do not take others issues lightly. Is there anyone who could be like that for me? I am tired of being used and ignored. Is there anywhere I can be honest and not get sent away? I am tired of feeling like this. it is been 17 years. Alone and locked away in my own head. I wish I could just say everything I want all the time and not get shut down or blocked for it. I first tried to kill myself at 10 years old.",Depression +22523,"I am writing this for anyone out there who loves me, because in the next week I am probably going to end it all.Recently I have started cutting and its been pretty bad. My friends have left, family has left, my ex does not even want to talk to me, I am stuck with the few people i know. I am on a horrible sleep schedule, and my life is crumbling. do not go through any of my devices, please. And do not hurt my family. Its short, but like Five Hargreeves said I do not have anything to say So",Suicidal +22524,"I just, just so... idk scary and uncertain and I just... I am planning to end things by the end of the year, or at least that was the plan and now I am not sure what the fuck is going on. I had a few excuses as to why I picked the new year, mainly because I turn 16 in January and to quote a wise man ""that is when the real game begins"", car, job, etcetera and I cannot do that, I am just so unprepared fro the world and nobody can see it. But now things change, I am not being forced so hard to do those things but like... I do not know but I feel so alone, I have no one, no real friends, no family I cannot trust or whatever, I am alone and I just cannot do that. I am scared and alone and I want to die but I do not and I want to survive but I want to fail, and i have nothing to hold myself up on. Sorry for the rant, I am just not feeling to well rn ( if anyone is reading this, probably not). I do not fucking know",Depression +22525,"When quarantine hit, I lost alot of friends, nd did not really find my place between all the friends I had, felt like a side character. was friends with everyone, but not in the inside circle, yknow? I also had university stress, and family issues. I got over most of if, hell the past 2 days have been amazing considering 3 days ago I held a razor to my wrists. I said Ill get better, everything has been better, yet I still feel like I do not want to stay alive. Is it simply enough happiness is not enough? I have fun with friends, I am motivated to do shit now, yet I do not want to be alive. How can I get rid of this feeling? I thought If I got better it will go away, if happiness is not enough, then what is?? I cannot get over the feeling.",Suicidal +22526,"i do not know if this belongs here, but i often associate not brushing teeth with depression. i have never been diagnosed with anything or tried because I am scared of judgement from my family and just talking about stuff. I find it so hard for me to brush my teeth and i do not know why. I also do not know anybody in my real life that can relate. The other day, my friends were talking about how they cannot believe some people can go without brushing their teeth. For me it feels like a huge win every time I get myself to do it. Its just something in my brain that tries so hard to avoid it. I have started making more of a conscious effort of telling myself that I, too, enjoy the feeling of clean teeth and I am not just dirty. I do not know i just wanted to see if anyone could relate to this hahaha brushing my teeth!",Depression +22527,I have been crying myself to sleep for the past week there is nothing to live for,Suicidal +22528,"Before anything I should say I have been diagnosed with adhd, anxiety, and depression, and I am on meds that finally work for my adhd. So about 2 months ago I switched from 15mg Lexapro to 35.5mg Venlafaxine (Effexor xr) then 70mg Venlafaxine abt a month ago. Before I had been on Lexapro I was on Prozac and noticed a huge improvement with both anxiety and depression symptoms when I switched. However I started to notice how tired the lexapro made me and that started feeding into a worse and worse depression. So I talked to my psychiatrist and we talked about either going on Zoloft or tryibg snris. I told her I wanted to try snris because I saw a lot of people say it helps with energy and other physician symptoms of depression that I had been experiencing. But after a couple of months of being on this I have noticed how much worse my anxiety is. I knew it would be pretty bad in the first few weeks of switching and bumping up but this is lasting way longer. I now feel like I have tried so many different meds that nothing will work. Will I have to choose to either be really depressed or really anxious? If anyones been in this boat please lmk Lexapro to Venlafaxine",Depression +22529,i do not want to be alive on this dying planet anymorei think the only reason keeping me from attempting again is that it would break my dads hearti do not see the point in living when i know that everything's going to get worse the further I progress into adulthoodi wish I could be dead and buried the fucking ocean is on fire,Suicidal +22530,"Hi , so I have been a cutter for about 7 years. I have recently been clean for a few months andI think I have been day dreaming about self harm almost every day. My eye brow razors that is the first thing I think about, my shavers, pencil sharpeners, anything sharp. I just want it. I can almost feel the tingly sensations where I used to do it most.Its literally calling my name, its like an itch I cannot scratch. Its so hard and I feel so alone in this. Tw: day dreaming about self harm",Depression +22531,"I used to white knuckle through the swings of anxiety and depression post service and the feeling of being bereft like I was suspended in time, a ghost of the past unable to connect with the people of today but I had one thing, hope. Hope that better days would come and the mantra of someone has it worse than I do..but the more I try to think about it maybe Hope is not a blanket covering for all people but just like most things hope picks its targets like buckshot, spread and sporadic with no rhyme to its reason. The more I begin to see it as that I begin to wonder what I am holding out for, when each place i move holds the glimmer of a feeling of home until the newlywed stage passes and feelings of old return. At first I did not worry much because my negative thoughts and feelings were minimal, able to be compartmentalized and buried but now I feel like a Dutch boy with his finger in the Dam knowing it will not hold back the river. I am really not sure what I hope to accomplish posting this Is hope for everyone?",Suicidal +22532,"Hi, I am Danny. I am 27 years old and I guess I am here because I want someone, anyone, to care about me. I have no friends or meaningful relationships, but that is my own fault. I had friends, family, a beautiful girlfriend of 10 years. Now I have nothing. Not even the will to care for myself. As I sit here typing this I feel hopeless. I feel like I want to die but I am too cowardly to take my own life. I know that my suffering is what I deserve as I have not been a very good or nice person for most of my life. I have never struggled with suicidal thoughts but as each day passes the pain of dragging myself through the day increases. I feel nothing but regret and sadness. I try to find things that make me happy but nothing seems to work. Even now I am resisting the urge to just delete this entire post, which I often do before posting. I do not really know what good this will do but I have nowhere else to turn except for random strangers on the internet that I have not wronged. I feel both depression and loneliness constantly and I just want out. I want it to go away. I want to go away. I cannot type anymore I do not have the energy and I am just making myself sad. Thanks to anyone who reads this. I will read all comments but probably will not reply. Hi, I came here because I have nowhere/nothing else",Depression +22533,"like how do you look forward to life when you know that you are going to continue having to deal with feeling depressed? idk does that make sense? how do you cope with the fact that you will never fully be ""cured"" of depression but will likely have to deal with episodes for the rest of your life? it sounds like hell to me.",Depression +22534,I get really angry and suicidal because people see me as inferior to them. Like I am not good enough to be loved because I am seen as inferior in this social hierarchy where people like me are not wanted and seen as inferior to others. This is the reason I am so suicidal. The big main reason I am even suicidal in the first place. I am tired of feeling inferior to other people and unloved,Suicidal +22535,it hurts so much. pls give updoots so i can feel better. today is the anniversary of 3 of my friends dying.,Depression +22536,Idk growth sucks. And if I just get better it feels as if everything I have struggled with is invalid and insignificant. I do not want to accept everything that is happened to me I want to stay stuck on it and stay miserable you feel me?I do not even know who Id be if I was not depressed. I have been this way basically my whole life. I have no identity or substance as a person. I am supposed to start medication soon and frankly I am terrified of feeling better or the possibility of not being depressed anymore. I do not want to get better,Depression +22537,"I have always struggled with my emotions. I never really knew I was depressed until it hit me like a truck. I was lonely. I would come home everyday to nothing. Ever since I was younger I tried my absolute hardest to be a good student for my parents. Now it just feels like I am being used and manipulated to have a life that they wanted. They just press their feelings of how I need to do well for them; Like I am just being used to be the perfect person in the Sims or something. I had issues with anger and I was always spontaneous and insecure. I thought I was just goofy and quirky, but never in my life do I realize so clearly now how depressed I am.And then I met someone. She was the kindest human being you would ever meet. She was the first person in my entire life who treated me like... well me. I thought I was so happy but my feelings would never stop. I would still struggle with my anger and I often disassociated myself with her because I just did. No matter what happened, she would always come back. I hated it. Why would you come back to someone like me? Why would you love someone like me? I broke up with her because I knew that I was not good enough. I was selfish and a horrible person to her. Even still she came back and she still was with me. I did not realize just how big of a mistake I made until maybe a couple weeks later. I was a little sad... but I was getting over it. And then it hit me... all at once. A day where I would not have a panic attack was a good day. A day where Id have more than one meal was rare. I never slept. I never did anything. My boss keeps yelling at me because I keep messing up.My life up until now has been a joke. she is moved on and goes out with this other dude. When I saw them in public for the first time this was when I was getting better. And I saw them and just felt it all. My chest got tight. Everything seemed dull, nothing made sense. I woke up in the car my parents were driving home with the memory burned in my mental.At that point... it was over. The one person who loved me. The one person who treated me like a human, was gone. Was it all a lie? I never had any friends. I was alone.I am so completely and utterly hopeless. what is the point of doing anything. For the first time ever I started having suicidal thoughts. I do not know what to do anymore. Life is just so cold. I feel like the next person to hug me is going to make me cry. I miss love from anyone. I miss when I could laugh and smile. Now I am just numb and tired. I am pretty much hopeless",Depression +22538,"Like the title says I have been thinking about killing myself all day today. Now suicidal thoughts are nothing new to me, but usually they are fleeting and sort of go away on their own, but not today. I am serious about it today, I typed up and suicide note while I was at work and put some thought into a method today (shotgun in the mouth). I feel guilty that I feel this way because I actually have a pretty ok life, I have wonderful family and friends who are nothing but supportive of my struggles, I have a decent job, and with the exception of my severe bipolar disorder I am in good health. But I am also dealing with addiction and trying (and failing so far) to get sober is putting me in a state of mind that thinks suicide is a viable option. I am in pain, and the only thing I want is to be free of this pain and I just do not know how to go about accomplishing that. The intellectual part of my mind tells me that these feelings will pass and I will feel better, but the emotional part of me is telling me there is no hope and I should just end it all. Pretty much the only reason I have not already done it is because I love my family and friends too much. My best friend in college killed himself, so I know firsthand what its like the be the one who is left behind, and I would not wish that feeling on anyone. But that leaves me just living a life I do not want to live for the sake of other people, I feel trapped. I do not know I suppose I am rambling now, I just thought if I got this off of my chest I would feel better, I guess well see. Been thinking about ending it all day today.",Suicidal +22539,"I do not really have any methods for a painless death I just have a small knife that I used for self harm. Tonight I was thinking ""what if I stab myself in the neck what then?"" I guess I would bleed to death. It would be so painful. Now I am just thinking what my mom would think when she sees me on my bed just dead covered in blood. Ngl I feel like I am doing this for attention but I hate feeling this way. I wish I could just go into some forest and kill myself there so no one would find me immediately. I am pretty much convinced that no one would care anyways. They would just move on after a while. My brothers probably saw it coming and it would somehow be a blessing for my parents because they would not have to deal with me. I am still like 17 but cannot imagine myself getting a job to help my mom or dad anytime soon. My dad does not even love me and my mom's getting slowly tired of dealing with me. I cannot pick up after myself, I cannot do anything at all. I am thinking of rehoming my dogs too, I am not fit to take care of them even though they have technically been my only will to live. Sometimes people tell me ""you are still so young you have no reason to feel this way"" but honestly that just gives me more motivation to end it all. If I cannot handle living now what makes you think it will be any better when I have to do it on my own? If I do not die from a murder or accident I will definitely die from suicide. that is just the only path I see going for me. And now I cannot stop thinking about sticking that knife into my neck and just bleeding to death. Idk I am just having suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +22540,Too bad they did not have some kind of doctor that would allow us to sign our lives away and get a shot put us to sleep for good. I did not ask we put in this world why cannot I take myself out? Just a thought,Depression +22541,"I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 15. Now I am 23. I had a girlfriend (which for me was unheard of). She needed to go back to her homeland of Australia to be with her family for awhile, and after 4 months, we broke up. She said she wanted to get back together, but changed her mind once she got home. I waited for her for 10 months just for her to look at me like she hated me. I have began drinking and smoking a shit ton more. I do not plan on living much longer. I hope someone else kills me since I do not think I have the balls to do it, but I might be my only option. I hate myself. Someone put an end to me. Please. We ended it",Suicidal +22542,"I am in my late 20s and I am giving up on love. I do not have anything to offer. I tried so hard to be more attractive but with no results. Love is only reserved for pretty girls. I love music, art and books and I would love to have someone to share these interests with me. I tried to be fun and sociable. But now I know its worthless bc I am not attractive enough so I am doomed. Guys say all the time that physical attraction is the priority in a relationship. I wish that I could just stop desiring love, relationships. It is torture and it is useless for people like me to want relationships. I am probably a 5/10 on a best day, with makeup on. No guy has ever wanted me for something more serious than a hookup, which is terrible. Casual sex just does not feel right for me, I never wanted it and I know it will not fix my loneliness. I always felt like I have a lot of love in my heart but now its becoming empty. There will be no one for me. Feeling unlovable",Depression +22543,"I do not know what I would do without my mom honestly my parents divorced 2 years ago and since then, my mom would manipulate me and tell me my dad was in the wrong, when she was. She cheated but refuses to admit it. It did not really matter to me at the time, and it still does not. But she lies to me about mostly everything in order to make me prefer her over my dad. The thing is I do prefer her, but I say I like them both equally. She usually leaves for a week every month to manage a restaurant far away from our home, and during this time, I feel extremely empty and meaningless for some reason. I cannot bring myself to cook food, and I just feel extremely lazy. I thought that after I got a car, I would not feel this way, but I still do. I am currently 17, and college is a year away from me, and I am scared about it because I do not want to be away from my mom. I know that I should do what is best for me, but I do not know. Is this normal? And how do I ease this strong attachment I have for her? I feel meaningless and empty without my mom near me",Depression +22544,"And I am honestly just so tired of feeling empty and angry most of the time. Trying to connect with people seems impossible, I can barely talk to people I know. I guess my depression is wining these days, months, years. I can hope it stops one day, however it ends. Soon to be 33",Depression +22545,"do not get me wrong I am glad it was not successful, and I have gotten help since. The last few months have been so much better whether it is been with my personal relationships, work, or just general mental state but I feel like I am currently spiraling completely put of control. I am about 2 months away from losing my roommate and not having a place to live, and I cannot find a place I can afford by myself or even judt a place in general because housing here is so miserable right now. I have not gotten a chance to speak to my therapist about any of this yet and honestly I am just so tired now thst I do not even want to try. All I have been able to do is lay in bed drinking and thinking about how much easier it would be if I just did not have to be here, I am just so terrified of the uncertainty, I do not want to be homeless and I cannot go back to my family. I felt like I was doing so good and I was just honestly so happy for the first time in years and I really just do not want to throw thst all away. I am trying to process the situation to the best of my ability, trying to decide if I need to sell all my hobby stuff the only things I enjoy to TRY to afford it on my own.I do not know why I am posting this nor do I know what I am even looking for here, everything that is going on sounds so absolutely fucking stupid to me when I read it back to myself and I just feel like I am being a burden.Sorry for terrible formatting, I am tired drunk and on my phone. I tried to kill myself a few months ago.",Depression +22546,i will kill myself one more week,Suicidal +22547,Tried tonight and bottled it. Called an ambulance and am currently in the hospital. Wish Id had the power to go through with it Tried tonight,Suicidal +22548,"If you do not know what I am talking about, its an evaluation after I took multiple tests to see why I was having such a hard time in school, not the full definition but just an example. Either way, after reading it, I see that everything bad that has happened was my fault and always was, my mom said how and I said because i was the because of all my past issues that I didint realize, she said she didint think so but I do not believe her. I am really sad now because it kind of proves that I was right and that I deserve all of the problems happening to me I finally read my psych evaluation, and now I feel like everything bad is my fault",Depression +22549,"My ex told me to get in a straight jacket. He told that to me despite hurting me deeply. He told that to me so now I just want to peel the skin off my body. I, (f, 26), American, do not want to get a lobotomy",Suicidal +22550,I have nothing left and my life looks so much worse than I could have ever thought possible I just think I am going to end it I want to die any day now have nothing left to live for,Suicidal +22551,My mind frame is so low. I feel like I just do not even want to be alive anymore. I do not want to exist. Is there a point in going. I am just going to end up back here again. Considering going to Emerg,Depression +22552,"I have reached my breaking point and I am at the edge of either killing myself, ruining my future, or running away to nowhere. I am a college student and the last thing on my mind is to go back to that hell surrounded with people. My social anxiety and depression is already negative zero, and me having to live on campus will make it worse. I do not necessarily want to die, but I wish my life was different or maybe if I could just be a normal girl. The only thing stopping me is my mother and the pain. - I know suicide is a very big decision and is the last option for me. But I am being pressured and stressed every single day and its to the point I am threatening myself. I have thoughts about running away but with no money I would just continue being suicidal but also homeless and on the run. I wish there was a magic potion that could fast forward my life or let me sleep for however long I want. I am scared for my future,because I do not see myself in it. I fear I will end up hurting myself. Everyday I am constantly depressed and paranoid. My college is big and in a busy city so I am always surrounded by people. Not a day goes by where I do not wish to get hit by a car. I am not living, I am just existing at this point. The only reason I am here is for my mom..but once she is gone Ill go right after (that is if I can hold out till then :( How toun-alive myself or escape?",Suicidal +22553,I wish I could enjoy my free time but I never do. I cannot wait to get home from work only to be bored.,Depression +22554,"i end up sitting ALL DAY. my legs are starting to hurt because of it. i do not have any dogs or anything, and 0 motivation to get up and go outside. can someone please tell me what small activities i can do, or how to motivate myself to do those small activities? i cannot even get out of my bed",Depression +22555,what the fuck is the point? my best friend moved across the GLOBE. she was the only person i could just get up and go hang out with. and now she lives on the other side of the atlantic. i just started a job so I am not really chummy with my new coworkers. my bf just went up north again for some conference and is already back to his shit texting. hes being short and abrupt with me. I am so tired. I am so tired of school. it will be like 3 more years before i can even start my career. and my bf is going to break up with me as soon as school starts so he can have his college experience - aka fuck other women and men. i am wasting my life.what is even the point of breathing?so i can continue this stupid life overweight? so i can continue to surround myself with ppl who do not care? I am done hurting. i just want peace. why even live if this existence is exhausting,Suicidal +22556,I have set my deadline. It feels like such a relief to know Ill be gone by then. The thought of it makes me happy. I will finally be free from this hell I have been living in.I have had a really bad week. My only friend (who I have romantic feelings towards but am too much of a scared loser to tell her) has been ignoring me and I feel I have hit a new low. She is the only person that makes me happy and the every time I spend time with her I actually feel happy to be alive. But then as she leaves its right back to reality. I have been cutting so much recently and its draining all of my energy. I cannot focus on anything I used to enjoy and am struggling to get any work done. I have a few family events I am going to that will be a final goodbye of sorts and then it will be time. I cannot wait. The years of self harm and suicidal thoughts will finally climax and end how they should. I have never told anyone about any of this so thanks for reading <3 My plans are made,Suicidal +22557,"Because I know it will get worse, it already has and its continuing to get unbearable. I do not want to have to witness it all through, especially when I could cut it short now. What a relief that would be. Ending it before it gets worse sounds reasonable. I want to die before it gets worse",Suicidal +22558,So for context when me and my ex started dating I pretty much pushed everyone away because all I wanted to do was focus on him and I. I still had friends but I never really talked to them or hung out with them. Nine months later we broke up and I do not have that many friends anymore. I have been really wanting to make more friends but my only problem is just that I do not have enough motivation to try to find friends. It sucks because I also do not talk to the friends I have because I am scared of them leaving me as well (I know that is stupid because we have been friends for so long but yeah). I really do not want to be depressed all summer and have barely anyone to talk to but its looking like that is what is going to happen so yay. Idk what to title this,Depression +22559,"I have always known I had a gambling addiction that is why I usually stay away from it. I tend to easily be attracted to anything that is self destructive, anything to give me some sense of feeling in my lonely depressive life. But this time it to hard to control. Randomly decided to play slot online and was doing very well controlling myself. $60 a night never going overboard. Now it has gotten worse. I am betting $800 a day and the urge is getting worse. The more I lose the deeper the hole I dig. Now I know I cannot keep doing this so every time I even thinking about gambling I am punching the fuck out of my arm. Hopefully I can mend the urge with pain. Addicted to gambling",Depression +22560,"I cannot see myself living any longer feeling this, I genuinely feel like the universe is pushing me in this direction. I have no desire to live. Tonight is the night.",Suicidal +22561,"I used to be scared of messing it up and then being disfigured, in massive pain for the rest of my life, and disabled (cuz I want to die by train). But I realized that I can just try again if I do not die.Not planning to do it,but if someone pushes my buttons I will give it a try Everybody hates me",Suicidal +22562,why do people get depressed? what is the because of depression?,Depression +22563,"I have been thinking about posting online for a few days now, thinking maybe there is a solution or an angle that I am missing. **This is LONG**. I am starting from the beginning, because I feel like there may be a trend. Also, it almost feels nice laying everything out in the open. I apologize for any problems you may have with the formatting, past and present tense writing, or keeping shitty track of my own timeline. I wrote this on my phone in bed, and ended up emailing it to myself to post it on a burner profile.As the title says, I do not want to die. I just want to feel happy.Ever since I could remember, suicide or death has always been on the radar. I remember getting upset over something as a kid, and saying I wish I were dead. I have always had a temper, and I would often go from 0-60 emotionally extremely fast. I never made any suicide attempts pre-puberty, but the idea would be in my head more frequently as I got older. I was on various medications as far back as I could remember until I was about 16. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was young, and I was suspected to have BPD later on, but I was never fully diagnosed with it. I ended up stopping my meds on my own when I was 16. Once I hit my pre-teen/teenage years, the problems seemed to pick up pace. At some point, seemingly coinciding with the uptick with all my issues, the idea of death and suicide changed from just an idea, to a viable solution to my problems in life. It went from ""I wish I were dead"", to ""I could take my own life and things would not be an issue"". My first ""attempt"" happened in my early teens. Something I cannot remember happened, and I ended up smashing my bedroom window and holding the glass to my neck. My mom and step dad talked me down at the time, and they took me to the hospital where I was assessed and released shortly after them determining I was not a danger to myself anymore. Years 16-20 were probably the best of my life. At some point when I was 15, I had something like an epiphany where I realized I was in control. Everything made sense. If there was a problem or internal conflict with myself, I could sit down and come up with a solution. I understood that I could not rely on my mom for every answer to every problem I had. I went from barely finishing 3 courses a year in grade 10 and attempting to quit, to completely catching up in grades 11 & 12, a 4.0 GPA, acing exams, and making honor roll. I was very introverted in school, but focused on the goals I had set for myself. I never socialized outside of my classroom, but I had regular friends that went to a different school, that I visited on weekends and breaks. After graduating, I got into the work force doing a few different jobs trying to pick a career path. A little over a year went by and I finally got into what I felt was a serious relationship. We were childhood friends, and I was 110% serious on staying with her for the rest of my life. She had a 3 month old girl when we started dating, and I did my best to step into the father role at 20. I was stressed out, money was tight, we lived about an hour away from each other, and she put me through some unnecessary drama. I felt a bit trapped in my job, because it paid good for a 20 year old with no education, and I had to start saving money to build a future with her and the baby. I worked hard, and took any opportunity I could to gain experience and move up. Long story short though, we broke up after about 4 months, with me going through the expected emotional turmoil. I remember being upset one night, and deciding to go for a bike ride at night between my town and the next. It was raining, I was wearing all black, and it was a very busy road. I did not care. I wanted someone to hit me without it being my fault. I made it to the next town without incident however, and I took the bus back home. Despite starting off the ride wishing I would be hit, it ended with feeling proud of myself, not expecting to be able to ride that far. After that night, I started riding my bike frequently. I would push myself further at every opportunity, it was like a mixture of meditation and blowing off steam. At nights to relax and get out to blow off more steam, I would end up walking into my town every night, buying a tea, and walking back home. For whatever reason, walking made me want to start running. I eventually took up running in addition to biking, and I even considered taking part in triathlon the following year. I was one of my walks one day, still a bit hung up on my failed relationship, and I was hit by another epiphany. I had no commitments, no debt, I was in the best shape I had ever been in, I was suddenly incredibly high on life. That was the moment I decided that I was going to chase my dream trip, and that I was going to go work up north to save money for it. That summer was the best time of my life. I partied a few times every weekend, I made life long friends, I lived every moment to the fullest. Eventually the fall came, partying season was over, and it was time to get to work. I quit my dead end job, gave my car away, packed a suitcase, and flew up north to stay with my biological dad and my step family. My plan was to work away from home for a year, and move back after my trip. They let me stay in their basement living room on the couch, helped me get some oilfield certificates, and pointed me in the direction to find a good paying job. Eventually I got a job at a heavy duty mechanics shop. I worked there for about 3 months trying to get into an apprenticeship. I was a little stressed out from living out of a suitcase and sleeping on a couch every night, I was working about 11 hour days 6 days a week, but it was all for my trip so every paycheck seemed like a step forward. I continued to exercise to blow off steam. Eventually, the stress compounded too much and I was in need of some change. There were not enough journeymen to sponsor me for an apprenticeship, and things seemed to hit a dead end. I received an opportunity to work on the railway around this time, which involved relocating. Hotel rooms and meal allowance was provided so I jumped on it. For the rest of the season into winter I worked hard. The physical labor was intense and sometimes dangerous, working up to 18 hours a day every now and then. I was making money hand over fist and saving money like mad. It was not long before I had enough for my trip, but I kept working the rest of the season to make extra, only going home to see family and friends about every 2-3 months. My grandmother passed away while I was up there working, and I came home to be with family. I ended up asking for the winter off to take my trip because it seemed like a good time to do it. I went on my trip to this country for the second time, but all alone. I was diving head first into a completely different language and culture with no one there to catch me if I fell. I explored, I got lost, I had to work my own way through challenges, I learned a lot. After about 4 weeks I decided to return home, going through most of my budget and kind of feeling homesick. For the next few months, I roomed with some buddies and chilled out until the work season started again. I started a relationship with a girl before the trip, and picked up where we left off when I came home. Springtime, the railway maintenance season starts. I start taking on more responsibilities at work, and only staying out for 1-2 months at a time. This is where life started to degrade. I worked the usual long hours, took on more stress, but I was making money and learning lots. The stress was constant though. You were usually under pressure from a train coming at some point, and everything had to be done properly so it could pass over your work safely. Causing a derailment would be disastrous, and potentially deadly. Over the years I continued to take on more responsibilities, learning new roles and working long hours. I think the second season was when I started to disassociate a bit to power through the long hours and miserable work. I started to drink regularly as an outlet instead of exercising, thinking I had enough of a work out during the day to justify some beers. As well, life on the road/hotel rooms meant that you were usually eating out or eating shitty meals. I gained about 100lbs in four years. Maybe eating out was a way to cope as well. This lifestyle continues today. I lost the weight a few times, but it always came back fast because of the overall lifestyle and stress. Fast forward to 27 years old. Still doing long hours, pretty jaded from the work and lifestyle, and still heavy. My girlfriend has stuck around through all of this somehow. I was coming home every few weeks though, so that was pretty cool. For probably a few reasons, I developed some severe anxiety issues. It got to the point where I was pacing in my hotel room, with intrusive thoughts telling me I should kill myself. I would be in tears, the only way out was to die. I usually ended up smoking weed pretty heavily to numb myself and go to bed. I decide to get some help from my doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist. My schedule meant that appointments would be very spread out and change would be painfully slow. After about a year, we finally managed to get me leveled out and my anxiety down about 50% with the help of some medication. I switched companies in the same industry for some more money and better opportunities. Still long hours on the road though, same stress, and living out of hotel rooms. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I was dissociated to the point where the days would pass by and I would not remember much. I do not even blink at a 20 hour day anymore. I do not feel anything. I do not the have passion that I once had, no happiness, no enjoyment, excitement, or entertainment. I lost my hobbies pretty much when started my first year, and I always focused my spare time on visiting people or running errands while at home. Things got bad enough to the point where if I had more than a week off work, I would have angry outbursts/withdrawal from work. Even though I going home more, I did not know how to enjoy myself or blow off steam anymore. I think all the hours at work, combined with the schedule, made me dysfunctional.That brings me to this year. New position in management, significantly less money but more experience for the resume. I still hate the industry, and I am still on the road 90% of the year. reached out to my doctor again because the suicidal ideation has returned. It took about 3 months, but I was eventually set up with a psychiatrist again. She did not do much though. She took me off some of my old meds and doubled another. We probably only had about 4 or 5 appointments over the phone before she said she could not help me. Now here I am. I am going through depressive episodes again, thinking the only way is suicide. I am in debt from stupid decisions over the years, I am fat, with no goals or hobbies, no savings, living paycheck to paycheck, priced out of the housing market because I did not buy in my early to mid 20's, and the doctors gave up on me. I turn 30 in a few months, and I have decided that if life has not turned around or I have not had another ""epiphany"" by then, I am going to bring things to an end. I have not made any attempts because I am not ready. it is going to be a one time thing with 100% certainty, and I do not want to humiliate myself by not succeeding. I have the plan figured out, but I will not share the details here because I do not want to give anyone ideas. I do not want to die, it will devastate my girlfriend, the same one I have had from the beginning of all this crap. It will probably ruin my mother, family, and close friends. I will never see my cats again. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt anyone. But life has not been going the right direction for almost a decade now, and things only seem to be getting worse. I am tired. I do not want to die",Suicidal +22564,"I have had too much of enough.The last year I have been in so much pain mentally and physically in and out of hospitals with something.No one has ever really cared in my family to check up on me unless lm crying to their face.I have friends who do not care to talk much, and I feel like I am stuck underwater.My family constantly reminds me of how much of an inconvenience I am. Killing myself tonight.",Suicidal +22565,"So since my last post of honestly wanting to die. My life has somehow actually gotten worse...? Go figure... I thought, for the sake of the love of my life, maybe I should pull my ass from the ground and really try to do something more for my life. I am still on the path to losing weight, I am slowly getting healthier, I am on the right track for medications, I applied for another job thinking maybe now the covid (for the most part) is dying. I could finally return to work. I could pay my debts, save up, buy a travel trailer for now, and a vehicle to tow it. I am 22 without a drivers license... I am 22 and I do not own a car. I am 22 and I cannot even pay a simple phone bill. I am 22 and I can barley afford to feed myself even with stamps, I cannot afford the special diet for my medical needs. I am 22 and I cannot hold a job. I am 22 and I am relying on the state because my family is basically dead to me and I to them. I am 22 with next to no friends. I am 22 and I do not think I cannot really trust anyone else ever. I am 22 and I am pathetic. I am 22 and I have longed for death for so long. I am 22 and I should have been dead before 18 according to doctors when I was a child. I am 22. I made it past all the odds I was given, I did not get pregnant at 20 like the last few generations of my family. I am 22 and I am a failure. I cannot stop thinking about it, I cannot stop longing for it. I am 22. Why am I in this much pain? Why do I deserve this? I try to better my life... I try so hard to no avail at ALL. I grew up severely abused and neglected, I kept pushing and pushing, I had no help, its never been easy, I have basically been on my own since a very young age, I took care of all my younger siblings because my parents are incapable entirely. I was the mother. The caretaker. I did it all. I cleaned an entire house pretty much daily. I cooked all the meals. While juggling public school, state enforced therapy and a bunch of other shit. I have never had a stable situation I could spit toward. But then. I met someone. I love him so much, the first person to really treat me like a human instead of a tool, someone who really just wanted to get to know me, let me express my emotions. Someone who tried their best to offer me the stability I craved my entire life. But now I have fuked that up too... I got my job, I managed to nearly break my foot and got fired after one day of training. Which lead my depression down again, so I stopped taking as much care of myself. Now. Half way through my doctor advised healing. I am being asked to leave, not by the person but another, who owns the house, so I must abide. I am 22. I am on the street. I cannot get a job and I have no real place to sleep. I am pretty much way past the point of dead inside. I really am a useless and worthless piece of shit. I did my best, I had a bit of stability for once. Now I cannot live without having that again. I am done this time. I have been homeless so much because of my shit family, and got used by toxic friends to just have a place to sleep. I tried to change my life. I needed a little more time. there is something really wrong with me and I am never going to get the help I need. No one wants to be around me, is not that clear from how many times I have been asked to leave? Yet no ones going to give me a reason or tell me what I did and I cannot figure it out. This is hell. I want to change and be better, because clearly something is wrong with me. But I do not know how... I cannot do this again.. I am homeless again and I am twenty fucking two. I am worthless. A waste of time and space. I am useless. I mean nothing. No one is going to actually care until I am gone. No one is going to really miss me. I cannot get these thoughts to go away, they have been so present since March my last post. I did not kill myself when I planned to because I got the job, things looked up for such a short time. Now not only am I back to square one, I have taken several steps back from that. I am way fucking worse. My fear of instabilty has grown to new unbearable heights. I am confident I will never been able to live somewhere and not get fucked over. Like that is legit it. I. Am. Done. I want to die, I do not want to do this again, it will never get better and if it does for a few months? A year? Then what? I just prolonged this shit again. I cannot take itIm done this time I am over my lifeI cannot do this anymore. I am 22I have nothing to my name, I cannot even stand on my own two feet (quite literally) I will never get help, I will never be fixed, idfk what is wrong with me I cannot handle this anymore I am so scared and I feel so alone. I want to cry till my eyes bleed. I want this world to make sense. I feel like I am a break in the code. A mistake. I do not belong here. I never will. I should not be of this world. I am not made for it. I am too scared a mental hospital will fuck me like they did as a child, beyond that where do I go when I get out? I am homeless again.. maybe I should just rot there? I do not know I do not know what to doIm lostIm scaredIm helplessI want to change my life yet every chance I try for gets taken away from me.I am undeserving of kindness, just like my family taught meI am undeserving of love I am undeserving of time or space I do not want anyone to waste their energy on meI don want to be thought of I do not want to be spoken about I want to disappear Its not even that I want to dieI just do not want to live like thisI do not want to struggle like this I want to be far away from all you humans.Yet that can never happen. Humanity is cruel Death is my only option I am 22.... I am 22 and its just worse",Suicidal +22566,Seriously I need one person to tell me to do it already. I want to do it already,Suicidal +22567,"For the past 6 months, I have been completely unable to make connections with people, no matter how much I may want to. I am filled with rage and pessimism at the very thought of trusting someone. I feel like a parrot in social situations, not contributing anything but just doing my best (which is still not very good) to mimic the emotions of the person that I am talking to. I have been depressed before, but never this angry and just broken to the core. I have contemplated ending it all often these past few months because it seems that I hit a dead end everywhere I go, and everyone I love and trust abandons me. I have some PTSD from my childhood as well, which just makes me feel more broken and hopeless. I cannot make connections with people anymore",Depression +22568,"I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much. I do not want to be here. I suck, and I cannot talk to anyone anymore without bringing up how shitty my thoughts have been lately. Seriously, I cannot be a friend; I can just talk about my pathetic existence and how I would love for someone to just save me. I am so far beyond broken. I reached my breaking point a long fucking time ago. I am done. I am tired. I am exhausted from all of the stress my mind has put me through. Like, has not it been enough? it is seriously relentless. I feel like it is been enough, but it just will not stop. I hate it here. I miss being happy. I miss waking up and actually looking forward to doing things. I am tired of trying to find safety from my thoughts. I am tired of isolating because I am too fucked up to be a friend right now. Like, seriously, I just want things to get better, but they are not. I do not know why this had to happen to me. I really do not. I really do not know why I had to be one of the people this affects. I seriously cannot endure it. I am empty. I have had enough. Like, it is taken all there is to take, so please just stop. There is nothing.I want nothing. I have no ambition. I do not want anything, so just stop. Please stop because all I want is to find peace. I am just venting.",Depression +22569,"I am almost at the point where killing myself is my only solution, ik that if I do it nobody gets hurted, even some people are going to get benefited but I am so afraid to do it. I do not want to explain my situation no more cuz fuck it nobody gives a damn but idk, ig Ill die soon, see ya I am rlly close to do it",Depression +22570,"Every time something bad happens to me, why is it always my fault. Why does everyone including my family tell me to get over it and leave it in the past. Why do they shun me whenever I try to talk about it. Why am I the idiot, even when I try and help my best friend I get called an idiot in silence. I am sick and tired of it all, of everyone. I really wish I could take my life I wish I had the balls to take that step, but am angry, but I am so fuckin sad that the angry is fading away. I know it will pass, but it just feels like an eternity. Why am I always the one in the wrong. I feel like its pointless to try and make things work when I am the idiot",Depression +22571,"I really just want to kill myself now but I do not know how, I do not have medication, I do not have a weapon, I do not want to slit my wrists and die in pain. I would leave the gas on but I live with my family and that would kill them too. I do not have anyone, my family does not give a fuck about me, I have no friends, the only being that likes me is my cat. My therapist told me that I need to see psychiatrist but I do not want to solve this, I do not want to keep trying, I have been like this for years and I am just tired of everything. I just want to do kill myself right now but I cannot",Suicidal +22572,I am out fellas. cannot go on anymore. I am tired of this. I hope you are all stronger than me that is it,Depression +22573,"I feel so lost, so confused with my life right now. I graduated in May and peaked for literally two weeks and fell off so hard. I lost my gym bros who do not even talk to me anymore, lost contact with most people I went to highschool with, and only have less then ten real friends at this point. I have lost motivation to workout and just always feel tired now. I am too scared to ask my parents or my friends for help and I just feel so isolated. I feel like I have nobody, like I am just trapped in a jail cell and cannot escape. Its to the point where I have to ask internet strangers on a burner account for help I just want to be happy man can someone please save me Help",Depression +22574,"I am 14, going to be 15 tomorrowmy life sucks. my eyesight is terrible. I am thinking that i might get blind. i might get a retnal detachment. my twitter account was suspended. someone doxxed me and found out my real name. my parents divorced yesterday. i do not know if i can do school in september cuz I am too lazy. my country is dying. we have terrible economic situation. i think I am ugly. my cheeks are so chubby and my ass sticks out like a sore thumb. it sucks. i look at my cousins who are in canada and california, and their wealth and happiness. I am so sad. I am afraid i may go to hell cuz I am a questioning atheist. life sucks for me. i just want to end it all. who would care anyways I just want to finish it",Suicidal +22575,"I have things pretty good in my life. But I do not care. I have a good job and a loving wife. But I do not feel anything. Its like I am dead inside. I only feel the bad emotions; stress, guilt, self pity, sorrow. I do not feel joy or compassion. Its like my mind finds positive feeling irrelevant. I hate feeling nothing most the time. When I do express positive emotion to loved ones it feels like I am faking it. I have trouble feeling anything",Suicidal +22576,"Complex I know. I love Reddit, its the last place you think to find support and answers and often the first where you find them. I am 23, since 16 I have been mostly on my own, been good at taking care of myself so family stopped bothering to care for me at 17. They left me alone at 17 for a year in a strange country while I worked 2 full time jobs and had the pressure of perfect grades. All because I wanted that *perfect* life. The fucking American dream hits once again.I do not have many friends, I have never been popular and I felt alone most of my life. Clinged to the first girl that loved me at 16 and ended up with a classic if you leave Ill kill myself she left. And I tried. Not successfully evidently. 20 hits, i move to college, first goal achieved, enter drugs, party and social life. God Weed is like that checkpoint timer in the arcades for me, always giving me and extra 30s of life. Then Acid came, gLucy is so good, in the process I found friends or more like stupid kids that like to do those stupid things too. And I loved it, what else is there? You wake up, eat trashy food, get high, do some more drugs with a group of friends, you all laugh about whatever and suddenly you had the greatest night of your life. But for how long?I was always the last one to stop. The last one at the party. The last one to stop being irresponsible and getting back to my responsibilities. The last one to wake up. And I got dropped from the university. And again, goals. I lied, no one even knew, I took a job, started clases at the community college, got clean from smoking weed daily, doing stupid drugs like acid, coke or combining stuff. Or just the ocasional Monday at 4pm bowl I was used to. And it was good, a girl from this group and I became close, 2 lost souls found purpose: each other. She saves me, I save her. All the while no one is saving anyone really. I got back to school, different attitude, I grew up 3 years in 6 months. I did not want to party because I knew I would end up in that spiral again. I started staying in more and more, forgot about friends and stayed with her. She became the only person in my life. The pandemic helped, what was a choice before became an obligation. We stay in only you and me and we enjoy life. I started smoking again, daily, multiple times. April - May 2020 I do not remember not being high at all. But once I got back to work (oh yeah I had been working full time nights for over a year while going to school) I was able to maintain smoking, working, studying. Barely. But it was functional. I kept losing friends, people became strange for me. I started staying in more and more, but now not even her I would talk to. I would stay quiet, play my game, smoke my weed, watch my movies. And I stopped feeling. I think I watched too many tv shows, the perfect group of friends, living in a big city, challenged through life. This shows are for the Priviledged ones. I never mentioned, all my friends in college. Came from wealthy families, I was the Poor one. No one ever pointed that out, I always felt it. It was like, they had a family backing them, they could be stupid and not worry about food tomorrow. I was the opposite, I resented them, but I wished I could be them. So I adopted their lifestyle and convinced myself I could by my own means put myself in their level. It was a challenge, and it was exciting. My goal was, I graduate, I key a high paying job, I move to a big city. I live the big city life and i become another one, not happy not sad, just another one with a life to carry him over not the other way around. So we set goals, me and her would finish school, get good paying jobs (she is well off and her family can support her so she could afford to pursue her dreams and I always felt I could not) I took for granted that she was going to make it, she was the smart one, the one with the good grades, with the degree. It did not work. She moved back overseas where she came from. I was left alone. So I worked, I did my all to move to the big city. I am here, I have it. The good job, the financial stability, the big city, the opportunities, the freedom to do whatever I want. I feel zero. I feel like nothing ever changed. I feel like I just kept pointlessly reaching for that checkpoint seconds. I just kept adding and adding 30 seconds one at the time. But I have no sense, no purpose, I withdrew from everyone. Everyone is gone, I am nothing but an afterthought. My best friends do not even bother and many of our conversations end with you do whatever you want dude is your life were here for you but I learned that the people who are here for you do not mention it. They just are. Its been a while since I have been suicidal. Before it was an anguish, I wanted to make it stop. Today I do not want that, I want to start it, to feel, to have something happen. I fill my time off work with irrational amounts of drugs. No one even knows, all they think is I smoke but I have about tried anything to make myself *feel* again. I am so forgotten no one noticed when I started buying pills. I could die alone in a city of 3 million people, no family nearby no friend to notice until I am truly gone. If I wanted I could say goodbye tonight, no one to really stop me. However, at the end, all I want, is to get high, feel that soft breeze in my face when your chasing, that brief moment of enjoyment where there is nothing but being relaxed. I could die tonight but All I want is to get high.",Depression +22577,"Hello everybody, I am sorry if I make some grammatical mistakes. I am 19 and was raised in a religious family, my father came home for 2 weeks every 3 months and was abusive until my brother was born when I was 8. For the last 5-6 years I have been struggling with anxiety, and even though lately I have been able to overcome it a little, I keep arguing with myself about depression. Everytime I hear or watch something on the topic, I feel like I have the symptoms of the disorder, but there is always a deeper voice that tells me that I am not depressed and I only want to make me think I am so I can be more ""interesting"" or something around the lines. That, coupled with the fact that my life has not really been that hard on the grand scheme of things, threw me in a loop I cannot get out of. I really do not want to visit a professional because anxiety and some friends that have told me that most psychologists in my town focus too much on religion, and will blame my atheism for whatever I am going through. Thanks in advance. I am not even sure if I am depressed",Depression +22578,I have had little success finding one. Are there free text therapy apps?,Depression +22579,"I was born and raised in the south so hurricane/tornado warnings are not new to me. However, that was the first time I have been that close to one. I was really scared & was not sure what would happen. It did a ton of damage. There were news crews and everything here. I texted my friend and told him I was scared. He never replied. Honestly I guess I am not as important as I thought.At least I did not die I guess. A tornado hit my area the other day. I texted my friend and he never responded.",Depression +22580,When I was 10 I touched a lady's chest area when she was sleeping...also I used to have some pretty bad thoughts (some of them were fantasies) and I think that I have no right to live after what I did...please be honest with me and tell me if I have the right to live I made unforgivable mistakes and I have no right to live,Suicidal +22581,"i thought it might scare me or make me not want to die, but it sort of excited me and its even more tempting now. i know i should tell someone about this in real life but i do not want to. i have not felt excited in a long time and i want to die even more now than before. i started looking at before and after pictures of people who committed suicide today",Suicidal +22582,"I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since 2017. Everything feels grey ,tasteless and horrible. Recently I decided to take an action I took a therapy session online the psychiatrist was an asshole , but he prescribed me some medicine. The problem is I am too afraid to take any antidepressants, but at the same time I want to be able to help myself!I am 24 years old now unemployed I have never been with anyone because of the way I look at myself, I feel that I am dum, worthless and ugly most of the time I have none to talk about this specific thing because my family is religious and probably they would judge me for opining up. What should I do?*Sorry about my English its not my first language Living with depression",Depression +22583,"Pretty basic post. I just wanted to vent and know if there was anything I could possibly do to talk myself off the edge this time.I am 16, just turned this past May, yeah I know my post history says I have been 16 for longer but whatever, I am tired of keeping up with all my online ages. I am currently away from my house, staying with my aunt and uncle in North Carolina. I thought this trip would make me feel better, but it has not, and it is made it substantially worse. there is guns everywhere. I am constantly misgendered (I know it is annoying to hear that word, believe me I hate it too, but it is been taking a pretty big toll.) I feel horrifically guilty for existing around these people and making them uncomfortable by looking and acting masculine. They expected a girl, not some hairy weirdo that looks like it is going to break down and cry everytime you call it a girl. I just want to hide and act like I do not exist, I want to go to a place where no one has to indulge my make-pretend fantasy but me. I want the constant buzz of thought in my mind to go away. I want my mom to get the attention she wants from my death and finally stop villianizing me.I try to visualize my future and all I see is pity and rejection, constant pain from my past, and more than likely a few addictions to boot. I see no woman or man truly loving me, maybe a pity date once and a while. I know that I will never have enough money to get surgery or go on t, I know that I will most likely age out of highschool and barely be able to land a job that I will miserably work at for twenty years.I just want to take myself out before I have the displeasure of experiencing what my adult life will be like. I have no friends, I have distanced myself from all of them. I have no siblings. Most of my outer family is dead. I do not talk to my mom's side. My Dad will most likely die before he hits 45. My Mom will not care, it is not like I was making honor roll anyway and now she has another excuse to bitch and whine.I am done. I am barely 16 and I am done. I am so tired of suffering. Being trans is horrible and I am ready to add to the statistics.",Suicidal +22584,"I know it will pass, but right now I just feel like nuking the entire world into oblivion like I have no future I cannot do anything except sit here in the dark....",Depression +22585,"If I make it past twenty it is a miracleIf I do not find somebody, it is expected, thoughDone with all these what-ifs. I am a spectacle!Something fucking else, I are not human, soIf I make it past twenty it is a miracleIf I do not find somebody it is expected, thoughDone with all these what-ifs. I am a spectacle!From another planet, I are not human, thoughIf I make it past twenty it is a miracleOr maybe just another year to goMaybe five, if I am feeling aliveUntil then, date is set in stone I will not make it",Suicidal +22586,"I do not know where else to put this but I am fucking horrified and keep crying and having panic attacks over thinking I have diabetes because I have some of the symptoms. This is also causing me to worry that maybe the diy HRT I am doing (mtf) is a because. I cannot live without estrogen, i cannot wait until I am a legal adult. Then I think about how many fucking issues I already have and its just too much. I am going insane what the fuck do I do??? My parents would rub in my face about how they were right about me not eating causing me severe issues later on, I am also scared of being seen weak around them. Please I am so fucking scared. Help, very worried",Suicidal +22587,"i cannot fucking kill myself because my family would be devastated, I am not even living for myself.my future is nothing to look forward to because I am not even close to where I am supposed to be in life.everyday is a repetitive cycle of suffering or me trying to distract myself from the bullshit that is my life. being alive is such a suffocating feeling",Suicidal +22588,"Lately my only reason to keep going on is that online guy that I met weeks ago, he does not know but he is the only one who makes my life a lot better, I am waiting his birthday to wish him a happy birthday, because idk i want him to know that I care about him, and after all is one of the most amazing pp I have ever known in my life, even if he does not give a fuck bout me. I have so many siblings and my parents agree with the idea that if I die (only me) they will not care about it. Btw there is a lot of pp that talks to me, they only talk to me because they want nudes (I am a girl) and when I tell them that I will not send nudes they magically stop caring about me, even I remember when one of them who told me that he wanted a future with me :( and after negating to send nudes he forgot me. I am so worthless to anybody in this world there is nobody who at least give a damn bout me. But they are right I am so stupid, lazy, good at nothing and the anxiety helps me to fuck everything and I have not ever done a good thing for someone. I only wish that my online friend's bday were sooner and that he were able to live his life for the 2 of us. Thanks for reading :) tired, tired and tired",Suicidal +22589,Sometimes I just sit and look at myself and realize how useless I am. Nothing ever goes my way. I failed in school. My sisters do everything better than me. I want to kill myself but I am honestly too scared. So here I am just some loser with no life who nobody wants to talk to. I do not know anymore.,Depression +22590,Please make this pain stop. I have been crying for 24 hours straight and the only thing that will make it stop is death,Suicidal +22591,"I have super bad si, I struggle with sh. I feel like I have been screaming for help for years and begging but I get nowhere, I sit on waiting lists for therapy for years, get dismissed, and just never seem to receive any help or be heading anywhere. I am 19 I have been struggling with si since I was 12, I have seen therapist and just started meds for depression and anxiety and will soon be starting meds for adhd. I cannot tell if anythings working I have been sh more then ever but other things seem ok and the stress of figuring out how I feel constantly is crippling. Idrk where I am going with all this but I feel like I am out of options I do not know where to turn anymore, I have lost 40 pounds and have been working on my own to make it all back and I just do not even know why cuz I really just do not care I have been asking for help for years and I am really tired of asking. Looking for some guidance I guess. Not sure what to do anymore.",Depression +22592,"I did not cryed in over 3 years now, until today, my heart is so broken right now that I just want to die no matter what happens then, even if my not caring mom crys, I do not care, I have seen enough to just end it right here and now, even though I am just 18 years old. Nothing feels real anymore, It feels like I am going crazy. My thoughts are depressing all the time, playing games does not bring me joy, and even listening to music is not the same as it was before, it just drags me down.I look out of my window and see the city lights, the empty streets and the night sky.it is beautiful but I am scared, I could jump out and nobody would notice till morning.I am thinking about killing others but I do not want to, my brain constantly tell me to do horrible things, I do not want this.i regret more and more things i have done before, even if it is not true, i was and am only a burden for the people around me. Meanwhile, the last person I was friends with has left me, he was my best friend, we did so much shit together and experienced so much.I am completely alone, have no one to tell me that I am important to them, no one who takes me in their arms or is just there for me, absolutely no one.I hardly mind it anymore because I am used to it now, but anyway.The only thing that might keep me from killing myself is my sister, she means a lot to me but we are too far away to see each other.she also has problems, i want to help her so that she does not have to go through something like I am going through or worse.I am sorry for everyone who read through the complet, it was just a waste of time anyway.why should anyone care.i thought i could escape from this hole, from this hell, but i was wrong, the more i try, the further away i get from the edge.....I am sorry again that this text is so long and that I wasted your time my tears have never tasted so salty",Depression +22593,"i posted about this earlier while in a bit of an episode, but id like to return to this with a clearer mind. i have constant suicidal thoughts, they are always there, making fun of me, even as i type this. and yeah, that makes sense to me, I am nearing the end of my journey, and I am killing myself soon enough, but, the strange thing about these suicidal thoughts is they are not in the first person, ie. i need to kill myself, I am an embarrassment, they are in the second person. ie. you need to kill yourself, you are an embarrassment, and they do not feel like me. its just getting really bad. i know i need help, but am i crazy? i know its getting worse, but am i going insane?",Suicidal +22594,"i honestly do not know how much longer i can go. I have attempted many times in the past by overdosing but sadly survived. one of the biggest reasons why I am still here is, bc i do not want my parents to have to bury me. i do not want to pass my pain onto others, but i really do not have much left in me. i have dreams & goals, but they seem so impossible with depression draining me, & suicide on my mind 24/7. I have been to the psych ward many times, tried many different medications, & have seen therapists. my friends & family are supportive, but they really do not understand. i just wish i was already gone. cannot keep going",Suicidal +22595,"As a kid I was verbally and emotionally abuse. I was always scared of screaming and confrontation my reactions were always to hide. I never fought back I still do not. I was conditioned to take in every insult and believe it like scripture. I watch my father drown himself in alcohol while he tried to beat my mother. He said to my face how much he did not love me and how he did not even want me as a kid. I grew up and I forgave him. Logically I forgave him, he was an alcoholic he had cirrhosis and his brain had already failed him. He did not know his actions had consequences because he was mentally gone. As a kid I did not know this but after his death it was explained. For peace of mind I like to think it was this disease that made him an aggressor. I live my life always fighting to continue to be on this earth. His abuse, his words, made a person that constantly thinks they are not Love able, good enough, pretty enough, mentally fit for anyone. I fell broken most days and I am realizing that I am. I want to fix myself but there is just so many pieces and its impossible to put myself together. I wish I was dead I will not kill myself but I wish I did not feel all this pain anymore. I want it to cease to exist and if I have to die in order to do it that it would not be the worst thing. I will not do it. I refuse to let my mother be talked about as the women whose daughter killed herself. She endured too much to have her suffer for me. I am broken and Ill always be broken",Depression +22596,It provides more relief than my antidepressants Why does screaming and pulling out my hair make me happy,Suicidal +22597,"I was S.A Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I been trying to get myself together buy I have been sleeping 16+ hour a day. I keep wanting to kill myself, asking myself am I okay, and how long will so and so method takes. I just do not know what to do. Any advice would be great.... I called the hotlines, including the suicide one and RAINN. But it is not helping what do I do? I cannot seem to get myself together after being S.A a few days ago, I think it is best to end it.",Depression +22598,I hate looking in the mirror so much. I do not really know why. I do not exactly like how I look but I do not think I am ugly either. But every time I look in the mirror everything is so off. I do not like what I see. It just feels wrong. it is gotten to the point where I actively close my eyes or look away from mirrors. I literally turn the lights off when I have to brush my teeth and stuff. I hate looking in the mirror,Depression +22599,"there is so much going on in my life whether its family issues , financial issues, relationship issues etc. I have been diagnosed with depression since I was 8 years old I am currently 19 and have been off of meds since I was 18. Everyday is a struggle.there are many times when I have these thoughts of much better it would be just to end it all. I am genuinely tired of being tired. I know what everyone says ohh things get better, its not always going to be like that , you will be ok . But in reality I do not ever think I am going to be ok . While I am writing this I feel numb, empty , nothing I wish I could feel anything besides feeling hopeless. Drugs do not help anymore I honestly do not know what to do I just feel like offing myself would be the best option . I would say this is a cry for help but idk if is ..I just want to give up so bad I honestly have no clue",Depression +22600,"I do not plan on using it now. I just have it there. I will probably be too coward to try it. either that or if I do try I will just pussy out again. If things continue to not work out for me, I will know where to go I made a noose in my closet tonight",Suicidal +22601,"I wrote this for other subreddits, but I guess it is relevant here as well.Disclaimer: this will get a bit dark and may contain some grammar or spelling errors since I wrote it pretty fast.Probably going to be a long post. Before I get into the details, I want to talk about myself and why I was the way I was. When I was young, I was a normal kid. When I moved houses around the age of 11, I became a bit of a loner. I was always a bit quiet, but I really fell off now. I found some unsavoury sides of the internet at this time, where older people seemed to like that I was young (I think you get what I mean). Well the creeps turned me into a creep as well. I really do not want to talk about this. I also developed self esteem issues as I got made fun of by girls around this time as well and I knew I was unattractive. But around when I was 14/15, I saw this girl that blew me away. She had braces and glasses, and braided hair, and the prettiest smile. I switched classes the next day and never saw her as often, but I dreamt of her a lot. Eventually, after being a loser and creep for a few years, I somehow became attractive to some people in my senior year. I stopped being a creep and with a competent social life now, I was not as depressed. This is where it gets really Hollywood-esque, the girl I had a crush on for years and I start talking. One thing led to another and we started dating. It was good for a day, but then my fears hit me. I was scared of her. I never had that sort of attention before and I was scared she would find out about who I was; it fucked with me in many ways. I wanted to end it right then, but I stayed. It was amazing in so many ways after that, but my mental issues brought some minor relationship issues as well. There would be times, where I just wanted to run away. I know it sounds like I should be happy, but after being ignored and laughed at for a while, then suddenly feeling wanted by not just her but others as well really messed with me in the oddest way that I will not pretend to understand. It felt good in a way, but the transition was so quick that I was still the same piece of shit on the inside despite the image I portrayed. All the good in me came out when I was with her though; my best friend said he had never seen me be a good person to so many people. I was happy, even into the pandemic. This is where it started to get dark again. Few months in, we had really bonded, but my self esteem issues popped up again and I became a creep again. I spent time online and fell deeper into the hole until I ended up sharing a pic of hers that I should not have shared and everything changed; her face was not in it, but I knew it the moment I did it, I really messed up. I deleted the image and fell into a deep depression. I told her I was a shitty boyfriend and that I fucked up, and she said she did not want to know. She was very attached to me at the time. I fell into a deep depression and became a she will. I cried to her a lot and she did not understand why. I revealed stuff about me bit by bit for the next few months. The deeper I got, the more depressed I got since I disassociated with myself a lot so it was hitting me as well. My insecurities and everything else. Well, then came the last month. We were basically inseparable, I loved her more than anything in my life and this angel cared for me and loved me as well. I was over the honeymoon phase pretty quick, so I knew this was real. Regardless, I became suicidal. Kept a knife in my room ""just in case"" (I only cut myself once, so it was not too major). She called the cops one day, they did not find the knife, but I loved her even more. For the first time, I felt good that somebody cared about me outside my immediate family. She saw some recovery in my mental state. The guilt still killed me so I told her what I had done and that broke her. I also told her every little thing about me, and at the time she was still willing to stay, but after a long break because it took a toll on her. However, that did not work out because I was too scared to go to a therapist or counsellor. she is now doing good and doing great things with her life. Judge me how you feel, I really do not care at this point. 6 months later, I did seek counselling, only tell them bits and pieces though because I am too much of a bitch. I definitely have OCD/anxiety issues according to them (I knew that) and I am bipolar. I am 18 now, about to be 19. I like to torture myself from time to time after she told me how broken she really was. Dunk my head in ice water until the very edge or not eat for days or just hit myself. I guess it hurts me more that she did so much for me and I could not help her. I could not even apologize to her face because of our circumstances. Maybe you hate me or think I am worthless, I understand. I wrote it as a confession, not a support letter. I know what I did and I have started to accept it. I know I was a shitty person, but since I cannot start my life over, I have no choice but to eventually forgive myself and it starts with confessing. I told her and my best friend now and now I am here. I do not mind the humiliation, it feels like freedom. I will love her forever for the person she is and how she saved me, but I know I do not deserve her. Some of the greatest moments of my life regardless of the issues. Lots of breakup videos talk about being the victim, but I was the abuser. This was my story on how I was an asshole.I am sorry, ******. At least you saved my life. there is so much more I want to tell you, but I will not drag you down. I was disgusting, not you.If a shitty person like me can stay alive, I hope you all find a reason. Being the villain",Suicidal +22602,"Hello everyone, recently my shoulders have been giving me some issues. I am a teen and I am not sure what is going on with them. It started on January where they were kind of achy and it is gotten a bit worse. Where i think the left one gets a bit swollen and pained, when i sit or lay down. The right one is the same but minus the swollen part.I saw an orthopedist in May and it was less worse than now (kind of just a dull ache like i said earlier) so I she gave me an order for phsyical therapy. Now to present day I am starting PT on thursday, but if it does not improve then we will get an MRI, per my orthopedist recommendation. I am getting depressed/possibly suicidal because it gets swollen and sometimes painful day by day.I feel like i have something serious like RA or OA because it is getting worse. Which in turn, is making me a bit suicidal lately because if it is that, then i will not be able to swim or workout. Which is something I have done in the past and enjoyed. I do not want my life to go downhill so if it is something serious, i would rather end it now. Appreciate it A bit suicidal about this new shoulder issue that is a bit annoying.",Suicidal +22603,"Went to the VA for help, even called the Veteran Crisis Hotline, no one is available to talk to me for two months at the VA Hospital.I told them not to bother scheduling an appointment. I called the Veterans Crisis Hotline",Depression +22604,"I wish I was not so useless. I do not mean that in an edgy way, I mean it genuinely; I do nothing and am nothing. I am lazy and I do not have the confidence to do anything. I do not like waking up after resting, I just want to curl up and cry. I know that everyone hates me for who I used to be when I was younger. Now I realize how dumb I was and people just will not stop bringing it up. I want to disconnect from that past and tell everyone I am not the same person, but they only hear what they want to hear. That I am a lousy piece of shit who should kill themselves.And honestly, maybe they are right. My options at this point in time are to run away or kill myself, and those are the only thoughts that keep me at peace. I am terrified.",Suicidal +22605,"Posting this here to see if anyone feels the same or knows what the fuck is wrong with me.I know this is extremely fucked up but I for some reason want my life to be extremely worse. Sometimes I will see people talk about feeling depressed and suicidal from as young as 5-6 years old and I will get jealous (I have been depressed since I was 9, I am 15 now.)I will see people talk about attempting suicide from as young as 11 and I will feel jealous. And I think, the worst of all is, I will see people talk about being sexually abused as a kid AND I GET JEALOUS. I think if i went to therapy and discoved that I was sexually assaulted and had just buried the memories i would be happy. I know its fucked up and I know that all of these situations are very serious but my stupid head makes me jealous of people having shittier lives than mine. I am so self destructive and I am not sure why. I fucking hate myself for feeling this way, people have actually been in these situations and here i am wishing it were me. I have planned before to get into abusive relationships in hopes that i would be abused.Is it because I think people will care more?Is it because i want to relate to people?Is it because it might finally encourage me to end it all?Do I just want some kind of sob-story so people will feel bad for me?When ever my mom sees me showing any negative emotions she lectures me, talking about how she and other people have it so much worse than me. It makes me feel like being depressed is some sort of competition, I literally got lectured for being annoyed at my cat today. Do i want my life to be worse so she will care about me or so my friends will care about me?I am so sorry for thinking this way but i cannot make it stop. I just want it to stop. Why do I want my life to be worse",Suicidal +22606,"## 8/06/2021## First, If you are reading this, that means that I have either succeeded in ending my life, or I am back in the hospital after attempting. Anyways;Thank you...so much for putting up with me. Thank you for...making these last few years so...amazing. I cherish every moment of every day...watching you all live and laugh. Growing into the successful and amazing people you are. There were plenty of laughs...amazing stories and characters, and a lot of fun. In the end, I am so thankful for everyone in my life, and I am so sorry I had to do this to you...I know, you have wasted time trying to save me from the inevitable....eventually you will forget. Memories are so unreliable, and I tried picking a semi-insignificant date, so its even more forgettable. I am sorry that you had to experience this, but it was inevitable. I am sorry I wasted your time and resources thinking that I had some shred of hope for a future. Part of me wishes I have done it sooner, to rip off the Band-Aid but...I had hope back then. I had fun while it lasted...at least a bit. Was the fun worth it? Going through the motions knowing the day of my death? Pretending everything was going to last a lot longer than what it actually was? I am...not sure.Nobody can blame themselves, I am the one responsible for doing this, Nobody can genuinely feel guilty for not knowing this would happen (I have taken extreme measures before this so people would not find out so its not your fault in the slightest. ) Some of you will-I know you all. you will blame yourself for not knowing...wishing I would have told you...and there is nothing I can do to stop those thoughts, but to say that I hid this incredibly well. Nobody knew this was coming but myself. Perhaps in the final months you might have thought something was up but...I know how to lie...I did it with my first few attempts, and this one was not that different. To those who have hurt me, you have been forgiven from the very beginning. To my belongings, Go to \[REDACTED\]. I am so sorry. I know this means nothing with the irreversible damage I have done but please. Take what you would like. The air fryer does need cleaned...so does many things. Please though, pick out anything. I hope you can put them to good use. Otherwise, the rest can go to \[REDACTED 2\], then the other friends (Also the money in my bank account. Not much, but should be enough for that loan you gave me.)I know it will be tough, butthings will improve in a later date for you. They will. They always do for people like you. you will rebound. you will get better. I can get its a bit hypocritical for me to say that...but you will. You have no choice. The world continues to move, and you will to. Perhaps I am posting this early just to get the catharsis out of the way.Should I add anything more or...is this ok? Thanks",Suicidal +22607,"I just want to fade away. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up again. It just feels like constant pain from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep. Sleep is the only peace I get. I can hardly leave my apartment, and now I have about 3 weeks to leave and no money in my pocket. I want to give up, but I do not want to leave my loved ones. I am so tired, and so burned out and I feel like I am being pulled in every direction. I cannot even get out of bed, I just want to disappear. I am so burned out, and it is getting so hard to keep going.",Depression +22608,"22m. I have always battled depression, never has been this bad. I have 0 friends I can talk to, I am too nervous how my parents will react if I try to seek help. I just hate everything about myself. I hate how I look, how I talk, how I act, and especially how I think. I feel like I am just spectating my life, and I have zero control. they say life goes fast but this life sentence is taking forever. when will my time be done? Trying to escape",Depression +22609,I want to play Russian roulette. I crave the empty feeling of holding the gun against my head. I want to feel like I am about to die. I want a gun so bad. Every time I feel like shit I can hold it against my head. It could be my last moments on earth. If shit goes downhill I can always just do it. I hate being here. I hate who I am and the people around me. I want do die. it is not fair. I want to kill myself so fucking bad,Suicidal +22610,Having trouble breathing heart hurts Should I call a hospital,Suicidal +22611,I feel so fucking lonely Can anyone talk to me,Suicidal +22612,"I am almost 31. I miss having an amazing team and working on projects with people. But I left my job which was toxic but I was made to feel so much guilt about leaving. I have bpd, anxiety, depression, probably ocd and adhd, and definitely PTSD. Have been emotionally and mentally abused since the age of 12 by my father, and later on, men I have dated. I pushed everyone away (granted, they were not good for me) but now I am alone. Actually, I am surrounded by people who say they love me but I am alone on the inside. Live with parents. Cry about my ex. I am bored af. I do not want to eat. Stay in my room all day. I am ashamed to leave and see my father. My parents are narcs. Yes, I am in therapy and am not taking meds - had an awful reaction a few weeks ago! I want my life to begin but I just cannot do it! My brain. My effing brain will not allow me to move on and live!!! I do not even feel like volunteering bc I have got no one to help me. Like I need a healthy push. I can go on and on. I do not even know what I am doing here. Maybe I need some attention, maybe its a distraction from my head. God, how I wish I could nap and relax. How I wish my body and mind would just relax and stfu. I am ashamed & thought about ending it",Suicidal +22613,"i do not know. i think i want help maybe that is why i came here, sorry if this is not the right way to do this or anything but i feel empty inside. i feel numb. i feel like I am going to die at all times, a couple days ago i locked myself in the car, in the heat, and i hoped to god that i would stay there and die. my mom did not care. she knew i was in there. she left me there for a good two hours. i wanted to die but for some reason i texted my father and begged him to help me so I am alive now but I am still getting headaches and dizziness from the heat and my mom thinks I am weakmy mom did not care, she never did. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a good five years now, and I have been looking for a good therapist, or someone to help me and I have been here for so long it is tiring. I am 18 now but i cannot find the energy or will to get up. i keep hoping I will die instead, or that I will kill myself so that i do not have to feel anything anymore. it is empty inside, it does not feel like anything, i feel weak and numb.I have been trying to get better. i think there is a part of me that is terrified of dying, there is a part of me that really really wants to get better. and that part of me is probably why I am still here - there is my sister, who is... she is probably the reason I am still alive. she is 14, she is kind and sweet to everyone around her, and she is struggling at home, and i think the reason i have not gone and done it yet is because the last thing i want for her to do is see my dead body on the ground. she is going through so much, and i want to be there for her until the end. butbut i do not know, it hurts. it hurts, i do not want to live anymore. everyday i find myself laying out the plans for me to end my life, every day i fantasize about it, everyday i wish my mom would get to see my dead body but i know that she would never care.i feel so alone. I have lost all of my friends over the last year because my depression got so bad that i refused to talk to anyone for months. and now I am pretty sure they all hate me. I am pretty sure that I am annoying, too, tiring, exhausting. I am nothing to anyone else, and no one will ever care. it does not matter how much I am hurting, no one's ever going to love me the way that i want them to. it is selfish. but i overwork myself, i push myself, i try so hard to be there for people when they can and yet when i cannot find the energy in myself because I have burnt it to the ground, everyone hates me for it. I have been yelled at for not responding to people's messages. I have lost friends for it. i do not know. I am a high maintenance person and i do not deserve to live, i do not deserve to have friends. I am scared. I am in pain. every single second of my life hurts.I am asking for a lot, i know, because I am mentally unstable, I am too much work, but is it wrong of me to want someone who would go that far for me too? is it wrong of me to want to have someone who would try to be there for me? i want to die. I have told my mom this and she tells me I am guilt tripping her. that she would feel horrible if i died. that she cannot deal with me anymore. she is made *threats* saying ""I will call the hospital. do you want that? do you want me to pay hundreds and thousands of dollars for you?"" she thinks i should get better. she thinks i should move out. she thinks that getting a therapist or a doctor is a waste of time and money. she would rather make a money making pig out of me than care for me. i want to get better. but i also do not know. I am tired. i do not have anyone else to turn to. I am scared if i get a therapist, mom will make me crash all over again. i want to kill myself. I have wanted to kill myself every single day for the last five years, i do not know how I am alive right now. maybe if i end myself, it will feel better, but I am selfish. I am selfish and i do not want to be forgotten. will anyone ever know if i died tonight? is it wrong to just want to be loved?",Suicidal +22614,"My heart hurts badly, I am scared. I do not know what to do to stop the pain. I have cried so much my body is trying to make me laugh. Now my heart is beating heavily and feels painful. I am scared. I am worried the sadness/stress will kill me",Depression +22615,cannot find a therapist through my shitty state insurance. none of them have gotten back with me. and none of them are even qualified to treat what i need help with. have been trying to lose weight for three months and i feel the same and look the same and I am working my ass off. still have not been able to find a job. i really do not know what the hell to do at this point. I am still depressed and feel like shit about myself even though i feel like I have really been working on myself this year. wtf do i do suggestions please,Depression +22616,"I hate every thing about myself. I am told pretty regularly that I am an attractive woman, and it makes me want to break my nose or cut my face. Nothing about the inside is attractive. I cannot even have a conversation with someone without my skin crawling. I am always so aware of everything, I just want it all to be silent. And I know it will be once I am dead. This is my nail in the coffin, which really illustrates why I can no longer be around. I was frustrated with my family celebrating me graduating from college before I am even done, because A. I have been working nonstop for years, have sleep deprivation induced horror hallucinations, wearing sleeves in the summer, just basically trying to stay out of the hospital, and B. I hate jinxing things because growing up, Id be told that my dad had a job for sure when he did not and Id end up crushed and fearful. I tried explaining that again to my mom last night, not looking for a fight or anything, just because she asked. Well she has a brain condition that causes memory loss, and decided to scream in my face about how delusional I am. I wish this was the first time this type of thing happened, and I KNOW its not her fault, but after saying every day you can kill yourself after your mom is gone this has just shown me it would really just be better if I did it now. Not looking to be talked out of it, this is just as close to a note as I am going to get. Pretty pathetic. It is time to lessen my burden on others.",Suicidal +22617,"The title is self explanatory. I still think of killing myself every day. I want to get to a point where I want to live for myself, not for others. Living for others is exhausting. I keep a ton of Vicodin next to my bed at night for when I feel like I cannot do it anymore and I cannot seem to get myself to get rid of it. I want to disappear and that would be my easy escape. I do not want to be alive anymore. I am just so sick of pretending like I am doing so great, that all the changes I have made have made me a happier person. I am just tired. I [F27] tried to kill myself 4 years ago and cannot stop thinking about it.",Suicidal +22618,i could not. WHY? i want out. I am such a pussy,Suicidal +22619,"I used to be a star performer at work, but since COVID and working from home started, combined with getting a promotion last summer to a new role/team that has ended up being dreadfully boring, I have lost all motivation. I have been consistently behind on work for months and if I do not get it together soon it will definitely show in my next performance review.Today I got an email from my supervisor about a file that I am late on. It was long and read of frustration on their end (rightfully so, I have not been updating them because I have not done any work on the file).I literally had no emotional reaction to the email. Skimmed over it, provided a short 2 sentence reply apologizing and promising to submit the file Monday morning (Ill be working on it this weekend), then turned back to the social media app I have been wasting my days on for months. Completely unfazed. In my previous role, pre-COVID, I would anxiously try to deduce the impression that my supervisors had of me in the most innocuous emails, to see if I was excelling. I almost cried when I did not get the rising star award at the work award ceremony because I was gunning so hard to excel and get promoted.Now I am at my lowest point professionally, late on everything, disappointing my supervisors and it does not even faze me. I just do not care.Do I need to look for a new job? Look for a more motivating role/better fit? Or is this my depression that is gotten worse? Or both? This does not feel normal. No motivation/feeling numb",Depression +22620,"My depression keeps getting worse and worse, I am not able to muster up hope for much of anything anymore. I have spent years sticking through a living situation that has done nothing but amplify both my anxiety and depression. I recently moved, and was promised things would be better, the source of my stress moved with us. Somehow this time it is even harder to cope with, louder. I am just so fucking spent. Before I had no timeframe for when we would leave that horrible situation, and now at this new place, it feels like the timer has been reset. That I once again have no idea when we can finally live on our own, without constant bombardment. The easy answer is I should move out alone, but I would lose living with my SO, the one person I can fully feel comfortable with. The only person I have ever wanted to build a life with. They keep telling me to be patient, it will get better, but I have already dealt with this while at the end of my rope for years. I am stuck between two insanely hard decisions, sitting here miserable, hoping for the best, even when things only seem to be getting worse. Do I remove myself from the situation, and risk setting my relationship back several steps while being lonely all the time? Trying to decide what to do just sends me off into these horrible sad spells where all I can do is focus on is sleeping forever, maybe I will finally feel happy and be able to rest. I cannot stop thinking about death",Suicidal +22621,I have been put at such an insane disadvantage compared to everyone elseWhile other people my age grew and developedI've been suffering and dealing with so much crap that gives no benefit in life whatsoever WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME TO GO ON?TO TELL ME I CAN SUCCEED AND HAVE A GOOD LIFE IN THIS AWFUL COMPETITIVE LUCK BASED WORLD?I LITERALLY cannot DO ANYTHING WELL HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SUCCEED? How the fuck do people expect someone with mental illness to succeed in life?,Suicidal +22622,"The last few months I have been debating the pros and cons of staying alive and I have way more cons to staying alive because I cannot enjoy things like other people seem to, I am always stressed out even if it is doing something most people enjoy and it is just no way to live. My brain is broken from being able to enjoy things Debating on whether to stay living or not",Depression +22623,"So I woke up about 20min ago which would be around 6:40pm. This has been happening since around quarantine hit. Everyday is just another day for me to wonder wtf am I doing with my life my family thinks I am in college but I dropped out a long time ago. It feels like I am reaching the end. I do not tell my friends about this because I do not want them to think I am a loser and the one person I could tell I cut off from my life for some BS reason. I am unemployed just wasting my life away and I want it to end so badly but I do not want to be a burden on my family if I die. I am nothing I am worth nothing, all I amount to is a nicotine and a stoner. Help. I am so lost",Suicidal +22624,"I am from the UK and wanted to know that if you do not show any signs of improvement in a mental hospital, do they end up giving up on you and throwing you out or do they keep you in there until you make the smallest improvement so they can push you out the door? I had a question about mental hospitals",Suicidal +22625,"Certainly did not think Id be reaching out on reddit to express how I am feeling but here goes nothing. I have a long standing history of depression & trauma however over the years I have bounced back and become quite happy and high functioning. Over the past 7 months my mental health has significantly declined and everything in my life has just gone sideways. Firstly I was given a very harsh wake up call about the career I thought I wanted and almost had my graduation delayed - something that kickstarted an entire depressive state & identity crisis for me. I cannot put the mental turmoil this put me through into words. Since then I have broken up with my partner of 5 years after realising I did not love him anymore & meeting someone else. I just finished 11 weeks of unpaid work for my degree and have just found out yesterday that I need to repeat 6 of them and now I am going to graduate late. This was meant to be a huge achievement for me, finishing all my clinical hours for my degree now its been taken away from me for the second time this year as I required some days off for my mental health and they cannot pass me on the amount of hours I have done and they cannot leave the hours in finalised so I have to repeat entirely. All of my friends will be finishing the degree without me, and my ego and pride is too strong I am just so embarrassed by this. Its devastating me. I am on thin ice with my employer and about to lose my job because of how unreliable I have been and they can tell I have had a behaviour change and totally withdrawn. I keep having flashbacks of childhood abuse and cannot sleep at night. I feel numb and empty inside and like I am stuck and everyone else is moving around me. I have been disassociating from reality and losing hours and days and weeks worth of time. I do not know where the last few months have gone. To top it off Two nights ago I was walking back to my car when I was grabbed and forced behind a wall and had my head smashed against bricks a few times and I was sexually assaulted. I am replaying this over in my head and do not know how to voice the way I feel about this. I feel fucking disgusting. I feel so alone and like nobody understands this. I am really struggling to cope with life and I am just sitting in bed wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up. This is the first day in years that I have seriously considered ending things and I feel like I am at rock bottom Not coping",Suicidal +22626,Living cannot be worth it anymore need support,Suicidal +22627,"I am 20 now.I have been in a lot of emotional pain since I was 13, people tell me it gets better but I have been hurting for the better part of a decade. It sounds really trivial, stupid even but when I was like 16, I never had an idea of what the future was going to look like for me. I knew it was coming, faster and faster every day. I felt like I was standing in the middle of a road and watching a semi truck race towards me. I decided to get out of the way, self preservation and all, but there is a part of me that felt like it died then. I feel like I am living a borrowed life, like in movies when the protagonist brings back their loved one, like Eurydice and Orpheus. She was not meant to come back to life and no matter the amount of swan songs he plays for her, she is meant to go back. I want to see a future for myself, one where I live and I do not have to feel this way anymore. I am trapped with too many options, none that feel like the right one. I do not trust my judgement, I do not have any convictions. I cannot step forwards because I do not know where I am going, all I know is that any way I go I feel like I am going the wrong way. Going further and further behind the people I know, staying put and standing my ground. Maybe I Was Supposed to Die When I Was 18",Suicidal +22628,"I am 17 and my little sister is 10 years old. When we were younger we were two peas in a pod. I love her more than anything. Our relationship took a turn for the worst my freshmen yearly high school. The year before my parents had gotten divorced and it really took a toll on me mentally. It did not help that soon after my parents got divorced my mom made us move into her boyfriends house right away (I still see my dad often). To this day I cannot say I am fully okay. But my little sister was not really bothered by the divorce. In fact she loved my moms new boyfriend and I was mad at her for it. I cannot explain why and that is not really the point of this post anyways. Sometime into my sophomore year things got really bad between my mom and her boyfriend. They started hitting each other, breaking things, and often times my moms boyfriend would storm out of the house leaving my little brother and sister to go and comfort my mom. My sister even slept with my mom sometimes. Things got so bad my mom and her bf from up and we moved houses and this is where my sister began to not be okay. My mom and her bf spend a couple months apart but it did not take long for them to get back together. We moved back in with her bf at the end of my junior year and now I am a senior. I noticed that something was right with my sister so I sat down with her in her room to talk. She bursted out crying when I asked her if she just wanted her big sister back to talk to her. Our relationship is slowly building up and we are slowly getting back to where we were. But today while I was doing my sisters hair I noticed she would not look at herself in the mirror when I asked her to put her head up she looked straight at the ceiling. Later while I was doing her hair still she began crying and she still will not tell me what is wrong. I am begging my mom to take my sister to therapy but she is a piece of garbage and at this point I might as well be the mom of my siblings. Please help me idk what to do. My little sister is depressed and I do not know what to do",Depression +22629,"So basically I started cutting my wrists and some of my friends found out. They told me to stop so I said I did, it was a complete lie. I thought they had believed me. But they did not because somehow the school counselor found out. At some point people started fucking with me because for like 2 weeks straight he was calling me to his office every other day because someone kept saying I was still cutting myself, which I was not. In one of the meetings he told me that I have obviously become someone people need to worry about and that shit hit deep. I cried about it later because that made me feel so bad. It is not even the worst thing I have had said to me, but it hurt so bad for some reason. I think its because I never wanted to be the person people had to worry about. He also told my parents that they should consider putting me in a mental institution... like wtf? Things have just gone downhill from there though. COVID happened, I became overweight (Which would not be a bad thing if my parents were so harsh about it. In one instance, My mom made me try on shirts she knew would not fit me anymore and when they were tight she told me it made her feel better.) I have been lonely, I lost one of my best friends because he thought I liked him as more than a friend and accused me of things (now he responds to my texts hours later with K or cool.) I am sad and people tell me I only act sad for attention (even though I try my best to hide it.) Well, you have obviously become someone people.need to worry about.",Depression +22630,"summer depression sucks the most. there is so much to be enjoyed but no motivation to do so. i can see something like a sunset and logically understand its beauty, but still feel nothing. i feel like potentially joyful moments are happening right in front of me but I am unable to appreciate or recognize them feels nothing",Depression +22631,I am fucking 14 years old I should not be held to the standards I am about to t I am sick of people fucking calling me rich or spoiled and sick of people talking behind my back cuz my personality I cannot help it I am impulsive I am sick and tired of everyone is shut I am sick of having to be held up to my brothers standard and compared to him I am sick of fake friends I do not care if I sound entitled I should not go through all this shit with a dick of a stepfather parents that divorced when I was six I am sick of it I know people have it worse than me and well I have not rly ever gone through with it suicide has crossed my mind I open up and I get shut down I am so fuxking sick and tired I am just sick of everybodys shit,Suicidal +22632,I want to die so bad I want to die,Suicidal +22633,"The birds chirp so I will die.is not it funny the difference between the sentence than is the title, and the first sentence in this post. One indicates to me, that the birds chirping is a sign that I will die, while the other implies the birds are somehow chirping to help contribute to my dying. I am suffering, so I would prefer to die.I am suffering so I would prefer to die. The Birds Chirp, So I Will Die",Suicidal +22634,"Hi Reddit. I just want to write down some thoughts about this night and I do not know where I can write it down. The last days and weeks were pretty rough. I was in a psychiatric hospital to stabilize my mood in a suicidal crisis for about 4 weeks. My Mum pressured to release me from the clinic because ""I have so much things to do"". I will be getting 18 in under two weeks. So I have to go to many doctor appointments and to the city hall etc. So I was released from the hospital. In the hospital I made the promise to myself that I would never ever say to my therapists or anyone else that has not been in this situation that I am permanently suicidal and think of it every time. Because then they are putting me in the closed section or even give me permanent contact to a nurse which means you are not even allowed to go to the toilet alone. (Just imagine having your peroid and changing your tampon or pad whilst someone is watching you...). But one of the worst parts is that you have nothing else to do as sitting in your room with a bed and a closed closet and a chair with a table. You may have a book or a little thing you will ""entertain"" yourself with. You are so bored. Occaisonally you are allowed to be in the group room, which has a tv and a radio and some games. But only, if you have not said that you are suicidal even though you are not about to kill yourself. You are so bored that you only think about how to get out of that situation. Either you successfully kill yourself or you do not say anybody something or you ""try"" to get better. So I think I have made the point why I do not want to tell my therapist about anything related to suicide. As I was released from the hospital I got my subscription for Fluoxetine, and I take it. One ,ajor issue for me is that if I have stress with my mum, i only can cope with cutting myself. It has gotten so deep, that i had to get stitches, so I had to tell my mum because she is the only one who has custody of me and the hospital is only allowed to sew my wound if she approves it. So I had to tell her. She does not know for sure that all of my scars and wounds from self harming come beacause she and I were having ""fights"". That would be devastating for her after all she has done to me, according to her point. She thinks she has done so many things and that I should be happy about having her as a parent. But I cannot. She pissed of my father so he never saw me and he committed suicide because of it. She has made so much debts thet I will inherit her debts, she has not been there for me regarding emotional things and has not been establishing a stable relationship towards me. And that is just a little selction. I mean she tries it especially concerning physical things. I can learn Instruments and i can go to a swimming club, I can go onto camps with the church etc. And everytime I say to her, that she was not there for me she points out the physical things. I have said to her that I have very strong suicidal thoughts and she did nothing. After I tried it she was shouting to me. She made me feel unloved. Because I have noone. I have friends, that I can go to, but what should they do? They are/were also kids. I would be such a big burden to them. And teachers you might say? I can not trust anybody because nobody ever helped me when I said that I needed help. The first time I was admitted to the hospital a teacher, which I had for over 8 years came to me since my notes and appearance and turn-ins dropped. She asked me and she saw, that I was not good. She came to me. She said that she sees that i am not alright. And as my first reflex was to tell her that I am ok, she said that I am not. And then she said I am not myself. I am not ok. And then I borke down. Finally, after over 12 Years someone noticed, that I am not alright. I was not ablle to play my role. I could not hide my depression anymore. I seemed to function on the surface, but she noticed the subtle signs. She came to me when i could not come to her and she had not slacked her efforts. My Mum on the other hand Ignored me for 3 montsh straight, did not talk to me, did not come into my room to ask how i am going. Nothing. She did not care. She does not care. The whole time I was in school I dreamt about my teachers being my parents. It was clear for met that they are different as parents and that they never could be, but it was my dream. I wished myself a stable person, which loved me emotionally and that would be older than me. That could take care of when I could not. I was jealous of the teachers kids. I was jealous of my friends. Because they had both parents. One has splitted parents, but he sees both of them regularly. Back to the topic: I am cutting myself because of stress with my mum and me feeling alone an being not worthy of love. (Btw her love was not unconditional, it was coupled to not say anything against her etc.) We had a dispute about my future as a voulnteer and she shouted to me. I went in my room and tried to calm myself. I tried to say that this was just a booboo and it would not happen again (that she will hate me). But I could not. I have fear about the future. And other things going around so I am clearly on the edge with my emotions. I cut myself deeply i had to get stitches. On wednesday we had another confrontation. I have not spoken to her since then. Everyday I cut myself. This night my ""cutting-session"" was 2 hours long. never have I ever cut so long and so much. I have cut my wrist, my thigh, my arm, my foot, my tummy. ""Normally"" i just cut my thigh and every now and then my arm. I think some wounds should get medical attention but I can not. I have no will to get out of bed. And then my mum has to be noticed. The one thing that bothers me the most is that she has never excused herself for anything. She never exscused herself for being late, for not keeping agreements, for lying to me, for anything. And I think she never will. Because she says I have to be grateful that she gifted me with the life and so on. (But I do not want to live....) Thanks that I can write it down here. At least I would be pleased when it would not get deleted, nobody has to read this. I just wanted it to be written down. But if you have read this, thanks for hearing me. This night is pretty hard.",Depression +22635,"I do not truly know my own sexuality. Whenever I am in a relationship, it always feels wrong. I push people away because I do not want to hurt them when I figure out that I am not going to be interested in them. It feels like it is just me and that I am just not destined to be with someone.Is it just me? I have been diagnosed with depression and mild autism, and I have heard that is a common thread, but it feels like it is just me. I do not even know if it is worth living a life where I am deluding myself that I will find someone. I tell everyone in this sub that they will find someone, because that is what I tell myself. I do not even know if that is true anymore. Forever alone",Depression +22636,"I honestly do not even know where to start... My grandma died last Friday, a week ago. I abruptly came back home for her funeral that is next Wednesday and I truly feel defeated. I originally had to come back anyways to change my ID, name, address, and was told I cannot do anything with my name until social security gets done. they are backed up 4 months for a name change. I have my divorce decree, but nobody cares. I feel trapped with my abusive dead name and past abusers and it truly makes me feel like something is eating me from the inside every time I see it, hear it, or have to use it. I cried in the middle of the dmv. I cried in the middle of the hospital as they told me I need my new ID first (previously told me I just need my decree) and I cannot change my medical records til SS gets through, my ID get through with my new legal name... I truly feel defeated, burnt out, and tired... Mentally, I am below empty. I want to be able to tell someone that I am not okay without feeling judged... I feel like if I tell my partner that I am not okay (again, for the 7th day in a row), he will get tired of dealing with me...I am scared at this point. Physically safe, but mentally dead. Back at rock bottom...",Suicidal +22637,it is not even the sadness that gets me anymore. I do not cry at all. it is being so fucking bored all the time. Everything is so boring..I turn on the news and people care about the dumbest shit possible. Climate change is way more advanced than anyone thought-- racism is still a huge issue and the only thing people care about is affects them personally. it is hard giving a shit about anything. I used to think depression was being sad over a break up or someone being mean to you..for me depression is how much contempt I can feel for the world in general. I do not mean this like I think I am any better..I hate myself too. Is there a point when everything and everyone is not so boring?,Depression +22638,"I am just coming to the realization that if I do not reach out my friends will not reach out to me. If I do not go see my friends they will just hang out without me. If I disappeared would they even notice? I have a friend I have not talked to in 2 months. I tried reaching out several times in the beginning and was met with silence. Nothing happened, I just became irrelevant. Maybe I am just not enough All my friendships are one sided",Depression +22639,"In the past six months, I went through a break up with the only person I ever let in and truly loved, had a mentally ill family member threaten to shoot me, had repressed memories of molestation and abuse work there way out in counseling, lost my home during the break up, bought a 5th wheel i cannot register because of a title dispute from three owners ago, found out my father who was barely there is not actually my father, and so much more. The last month I have been living in my truck with my two dogs, and having suicidal urges and thoughts multiple times a day. It seems like everytime i think I am at the bottom something comes along to kick me in my teeth like a passed of redneck wearing steel toes. I feel fucked, completely fucked. I work all day, play with the dogs, and pass out only to do it all over again. I do not know how to get out of this, and housing and rental prices are soaring, nearly impossible to find one on my construction paychecks right now. I do not know what to do, I am holding onto a vague plan, and a hope that if I just keep working something will eventually get better, but it has not. I feel fucked, beyond fucked, and one of these days I reckon I will give in, and just tie that noose, and hope it happens quick. I have no family, and most my friends are on another continent, I do not know why I chose to post this, I guess I would at least like to be heard by someone other than my two pups. My abuela used to say, what man plans, God displans. That used to be a powerful reminder in the form of an old saying, now it feels like an oppressive approximate for the generalities of life. I am over it, I just want to sleep peacefully, you knows? An Interesting Title",Depression +22640,"I think of my daughters future without me in it. I think of her looking at photos of her and I when she was still a baby. Her growing old enough to ask her dad/my husband why mommy is not here anymore. I think of all those moments I would never get to experience with her, and her with me. I think of my husband and the emotional havoc it would wreck. How he would have to do it all by himself. I think of these things and cry at the absence of myself in the lives of my closest loved ones, and know that I am meant to stay My family is all that keeps me here most days",Depression +22641,"I have no fucking of what is happening. I do not even know if I have depression or if I have just been feeling down and I am being dramatic or whatsoever. I have no reason to be depressed, I have a great family, money is not a problem, I have good friends, yet here am I, and I am going insane trying to figure it out. I just feel like, life is pointless, I have no reason to live, schools been kicking my ass, and I feel like I really do not care. I do not know what to do because I have no idea of what is going on. Hell, I am not even sure if I should be here or just in another subreddit to get it of my chest or whatever. I am pretty sure I am losing my mind, and I have no idea of why or how to fix it. Thanks for reading it, I just needed to get it off my chest, bc its been bothering me for a while. Do you have any advice, Id really appreciate it. I have no idea of what is happening",Depression +22642,"My twin betrayed me and it cost me some of my vision. I have no one to talk to besides my mom. I really want to be held, but no one loves me that way. I just got rejected by someone who never really cared anyways. I just need to hear positivity to get me through today. It will take 7 years if I am lucky to get my eyes back. I am REALLY trying to see the positives. I wish I could sleep till then because sleeping is the only escape from reality right now. I cannot even run away from my problems. I need some positive words please",Suicidal +22643,I am losing my friends. everytime we meet up I always feel like an outsider. a third wheel. like they are all much better friends and I just cannot take it. I have never really lost a group of friends before and it hurts.This is going to be a pretty shit summer I have never felt this lonely,Depression +22644,"My twin betrayed me and it cost me some of my vision. I have no one to talk to besides my mom. I really want to be held, but no one loves me that way. I just got rejected by someone who never really cared anyways. I just need to hear positivity to get me through today. It will take 7 years if I am lucky to get my eyes back. I am REALLY trying to see the positives. I wish I could sleep till then because sleeping is the only escape from reality right now. I cannot even run away from my problems. I need some positive words please",Depression +22645,"Being treated like garbage my entire life and then when I say I have had enough, they have the gall to pretend to care.I cannot take a second more of this Soon to be 26 year old incel, sick of people saying that all suicides should be stopped",Suicidal +22646,"My sister and partner have already been destroyed by my attempts so I wish I just did not exist, so they feel no painIm disabled, transgendered with a shit life, my parents disowned me years ago and I am often bed boundIt would be selfish to kill myself I know that but I just want to stop lying in a dark room and self harming nearly every nightThank you for letting me vent it felt good to do I wish I did not exist instead of killing myself",Suicidal +22647,"None of my friends take me seriously when I say I want to kill myself they all just say ""same"" and laugh. I am literally always there for other people why cannot just one person be there for me. Just for me to talk to so I can feel maybe a little bit better even if it is only for a few minutes I have so much I want to do in my life but I am so tired of everything. I hate leaving the house it just feels like everyone is judging me when I walk by. I do not even care if anyone sees this or not I just wanted to write my thoughts. Thanks if you did read it anyway, bye. I hate it",Suicidal +22648,"Just like action movie when the main character appear kick 10 peoples ass , the director doing it to show viewers how strong he is .When i was kid i thought I am the main character of this life but now i understand that I am one of these who gettinh kick in ass We are living to make others enjoy life",Suicidal +22649,i remember desiring bonds. fun conversations. a good laugh. a kiss. i wish i could forget it all. i wish i could stand up and leave. bonds.,Depression +22650,Today was a bad day for me and when my mom came home she tells me I need to help myself or else she is sending me to the hospital. Apparently taking on more responsibility and studying for the sat will 100% make me feel better . I do not think she understands that depression can instantaneously goes away. My parents trigger me,Depression +22651,"I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling worthless. I am tired of struggling. I give up, I am done. I am just waiting for the end. Feels like it will not come. I am ready to die, but it feels like I am being forced to stay here. I just want to be set free I do not want to be here anymore",Depression +22652,"Besides like...living, you know. For me was sleeping and eating, and also working without several panic attacks during my shift. I would like to know your experience. I feel alone in this shit. WHAT ARE SOME THINGS DEPRESSION MADE HARD FOR YOU TO DO?",Depression +22653,"that is all I got to say. The heat over here from the summer has been intense and I just want to kill myself already. I feel so fucking empty, and I do not have the balls nor the money to speak to a therapist. Fucking hell, it is all falling apart around me. Maybe my death with be far more interesting than my fucking life.",Suicidal +22654,"I have tried therapy, meds, and even removing toxic people, but its only downhill from here. So why September 24th? On September 25th my 10 year class reunion is going down as well as my induction into my schools hall of fame. there is this sick part of me that likes to imagine how everyone will respond. Knowing they could have saved me makes it that much better. September 24th will be my last day on earth.",Suicidal +22655,"Lost my job a couple of week ago, my landlord said I have got 3 days to pay him the $150 I owe him and I do not start my new job until next week. Anything will help, thank you anyways..if you would like to help my cashapp is: $keonte19990 GOD BLESS Need help",Depression +22656,"it is one of those nights.i lack the vocabulary, hell, perhaps there are not enough words in the english language or any language to convey the hole that loneliness burns through one's chest cavity. it is acidic, it feels as if loneliness is gnawing through my ribcage and attacking the chambers of my heart piece by piece,. it is methodical, it is diabolical, it feels like the epitome of self-destruction.it is embarrassing, it is devastating, it feels like i am living someone else's life that was not meant to be my own. i thought that by this time in my life (24f), i would have a group of friends, a significant other, things to look forward to and a stable career with opportunities for growth. i do not know where i went wrong. i do not know what happened or how i got here, friendless and loveless at an age where i should have my life together by now, where i should at least have some semblance of an idea of where i am heading.the feeling of disappointment is unbearable. i feel like i let my parents down, i feel like i let myself down, i feel like i do not deserve anything. most days i feel as if it would be better if i just faded away in my sleep, then no one would have to worry about me and what will become of me. the only reason i am still here is because i do not wish to put my parents through the pain of taking away the only life they created, to throw away all their dreams and ambitions. the problem is i cannot live up to any of them. i cannot live up to the expectations, i cannot live with the thought of not making them proud, i cannot live with myself. it is agony, this loneliness. it is agony to watch others living their best lives, sharing cute/intimate moments with their partners, living life as it is meant to be lived. i feel absolutely disgusting for feeling this touch-starved, for feeling this devoid of affection, of romance, of physical touch. i would give my last breath to just be held and assured that everything will be okay, that i am not a disgusting worthless waste of space, that i am desired and wanted. that there is a point to all of this. it hurts. it hurts to breathe, it hurts to live. i wish i could give my life to someone who has something to live for, who has the courage and motivation and willpower to make something of themselves. i feel my heart physically disintegrating in my chest.",Depression +22657,I have started getting thoughts again and its much more than last time. I have already went to the hospital twice and do not want to go for a third time. I already almost tried to kill myself last night but my bf stopped me. I am going to talk to my therapist about it on tuesday so hopefully she helps me I am scared to go back to the hospital but I am going downhill,Suicidal +22658,"I just remembered to put a trigger warning here. It might be... triggering I guess. But what do you expect here, rigjht? I do not know.Well... I am in my room. Drunk. Again. it is not like it is often, but it is not rare either. We had a nice family evening there, with craft beer and our little music game. It was fine, until... both of my parents got caught up in their own thoughts. Nothing wrong about that, it is just... it was alwayds like this, right? Even when I was much younger. I was always the last one standing. Anf I had to go to my room alone. Others were drunk af, but I was just halfway there. And I could not open another bottle to sleep well, bacause someone wpould notice the next day. So I always stay late, listening to music. half sober. Alone. Again! And... I cannot stand it. I am drunk enough to be paranoid and see things, but not enough to fall asleep quickley and so I just end up... Lonely. Again. And I am not sure I am ok with this for the rest of my life. I want someone to fall asleep by my side again. I cannot take it no more. I am so f-cking lonely. And I cannot take my mind off the pills. I do not know anymore... I would do terrible things for just one cigasrette. Am I a terrible person?I wish someone just looked at me the way I look at my imaginary friend. Oh, there. I said it. Seeing my mother's eyes... so drunk and so unhappy. It opened an old wound. BAck then. When I was 12 As lonely as I am now, expect you left me therr with them. And the touched and touched and fucking touched. Adn I wish I was stronger. I wish I would have forgettn already, but it is still there somewhere. And I recall the Smirnoff, I recall the taste of yellow camel cigarette. I remember the stiff fingers. And I wish I wa s stronger... And deep inside I wish I had someone right now, who would make me forget the unwanted touch, the fake smiles, the cigarettes I crave and the blades in my drawer that I want to stroke my skin instead of them back then.Will I ever get strong enough to forget? Will I be strong enough to be alone instead of lonely?I do not know anymore. I am not sure whether I am ok with this",Depression +22659,"I am 16 and have receding gums, joining the very long list of things I cannot stand about myself.If I got out of bed and brushed my teeth Id be happier.Please brush your teeth. Even if you do nothing else that day, please just that one thing. Brush your teeth.",Depression +22660,"Some of you may or may not have heard this term. Its people that are your friends when its easy or they have the time or they just do not have anyone else to be with. I am recovering from a bout of septic arthritis, if you do not know what it is that is cool, I did not either. let us just say it requires surgery, a fairly long hospital stay, and home IV drugs. None of these are fun. So as I am going through this, of course, there is an outpouring of Facebook well wishes and get wells, because these people are mostly further away or not close friends. I use the term close loosely. As I am in the hospital my mom flies in because yes its that serious. Anyone care to wager on the amount of friends that came to see me? One, just one. As grateful as I am that he came it was a huge gut punch that no one else even made an effort. Its made me really rethink what I have allowed friendships to be. I have allowed people to take me for granted and to be the equivalent of ramen noodles. Let me explainI hate ramen noodles. I buy a case of them and throw them in my cupboard in case of emergency ie: I am out of money, there is nothing else to eat, zombie apocalypse, that sort of thing. I have allowed myself to be ramen noodles, the emergency friend that is always available when you need them but otherwise you forget they are there when there is something better available. I find myself fishing for invites to things and still being left out and always being on the outskirts. I have been asking myself, what is wrong with me? Why am I not wanted? Why do not people that are not my family care about me? Why do I care so much about people that do not give a crap about me? I do not have an answer, but I do know that it has to stop. I am trying to get used to the fact that I may never find my gang or ever really belong anywhere. I think acceptance of this will be heartbreaking and I am not sure that I can come back from it. A life alone is not a waste but a life of being lonely seems pretty soul crushing. If you have fair weather friends, next time the wind changesjust let them go. Its a lot less painful and you can try to find some way to be at least content with your own company if you cannot manage happiness. Fair weather friends",Depression +22661,"Where can i talk bout my darkness? I just want to talk n tell. I have kept so much fucked up shit in me. Where can i talk? I am seriously fucked up, n i do not want to scare anyone. At least tell me;",Depression +22662,"recently something happened to me, I can barely even get out of bed ,the first thing I do when I wake up is cry and everything reminds me of that moment ,sometimes I cannot even sleep.i cannot eat, every time i try i feel like throwing up. I have been back to cutting but I am not sure its helping this time , i just want to DIE. I literally cannot even read a book without crying everything hurts I do not know why , its like i cannot control the tears.i just keep crying and crying and i can feel my chest getting heavy and my heart sink. i do not know what to do. all i can do is cey",Depression +22663,"Just curious if anyone resonates with this. I think this thought so often, but I know I have to work around this world and keep trying. If I die It will hurt so many people. I wish the guilt would go away. I want the thoughts to dissipate. I keep doing the work but no pay off. Depression is my lifelong battle, and I feel my grip coming undone. This world was not made for me.",Depression +22664,"I recently got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, my anxiety is a bitch, and I do not know if I feel comfortable in my relationship anymore. I have been trying everything and on medications but I want to have a more natural approach. Also, the medications side effect has given me tinnitus so pretty much every day I do not feel a reason to exist. I am not helping anyone. I have been in college forever because I keep changing my mind about what I want to do. This makes me feel like the biggest failure. I am turning 26 in September and I hate who I am. I would like to know if anyone has tried any natural supplements that work for them? I am running out of options and I really need this to get better. I have had depression for my entire life.",Depression +22665,"I do not want help. I do not want to bother anyone. I just want to let the words out before I burst. Implode from the inside I am under the water. And I am struggling. I cannot feel my feet or arms. I have been fighting to swim for so long, I am just weak and exhausted. I am losing the fight. I feel drunk. Like my words are not coming out right. My body is numb. I cannot see straight through the flashbacks of everything. Every event. Every time I have been abandoned or betrayed. Every beating. From childhood to now. And I just. cannot. I have never fallen so deep in the black hole like this that I felt drunk before I gave in to drinking myself senseless, begging to feel anything else. I am not winning the battle. But I am terrified this is THE battle that ends the war. How do I keep going when everything in me has stopped fighting? When that voice in the back of my head that always pulls me through is even tired? I wanted a new life. Thought maybe if I started my new life it would get better. But nothing feels better in this moment. In this moment I feel like a failure. I just want the pain to stop. For the memories to quit screaming in my head on a repeat. On a constant loop. I am so tired of trying to swim against the current. I want so badly to just give in and let it wash me away. I just want it to stop. I am drowning",Suicidal +22666,"I am not drunk right now (which is getting less and less common these days), but I literally just unintentionally fell off the couch.In moments where I am especially sad I almost appear drunk to my roommates. I sing louder than I normally would to myself in a slurred voice, I stumble around, I have even just slowly lowered myself on the ground and laid there for a while. One of my roommates even went one morning, ""Dude. it is 10am"" and he had to check my room and the garbage to be convinced that I had not been drinking.Is this common? If it is, why does it happen? Is it normal to feel/act kind of drunk when in a really sad spell?",Depression +22667,"Why on Earth is it so hard to find information on how to die?I am going to try to die either way, at the very least I would want to die in the least brutal way possible, or, alternatively in the most *certain* way possible.Everywhere I look, all I see is suicide hotlines here and there, Samaritans or whatever the hell else there is. I read about this video by an Australian group showing you how to make a certain pill in your own kitchen, but this video might as well as be a ghost! Where the shit is it? The only obvious methods left have the fucking **potential** to leave me ***alive***, but at this point anything is better than nothing. ***FFS*** Frustrations",Suicidal +22668,"People that had unsuccessful suicide attempts. How did you attempt or how did it go wrong? People who have attempted suicide, how did you attempt?",Suicidal +22669,"I have lost interest in everything. I have no drive. I do not care about talking to anyone. Every day I stare at the wall and wonder why I continue existing. I feel so worthless I have made no great accomplishments, relationships have been failures. I do not want to kill myself, really. Though I wish something could take me away from this world, from this existence. My eating disorder or all of the health issues I have ignored and let fester. I do not want the responsibility of my life, I want it taken from me. At this age my parents life turned into a mental health nightmare, and I fear that I am headed down the same path. My family is riddled with mental health and addiction issues. It feels like there is no escape from this hell. I am sinking away and watching every bit of light fade from my view. I often wish for something tragic to take me away",Depression +22670,"I am a 23 year old guy with a good paying job. I have loads of friends, I am in good shape, fairly attractive and play sport. Everything tells me I should be happy. So why am I not? Why do I feel there is no point to carrying on. Every day I live brings some form of pain and suffering. Why put myself through that every day just on the hope that I find some form of happiness in the future? there is no guarantee I will be happy in the future, so why would I risk enduring the pain and hurt that life brings when I could just end it all now and get it over with. We all die. Why prolong the inevitable? What is the point?",Suicidal +22671,"Best way to cut your wrist when you are aiming to kill yourself? Thank you. Death, wrist",Depression +22672,blame society Blame moviesBlames stereotypesBlame myself blame you Blame the naiveBlame the love that was not strong enough to keep you by my sideBlame my egoBlame your emotions Blame the memories and fantasiesI blame every single thing why this cannot work anymore Blame your stupid harem Blame bush I am tried of trying to make this work I am tried to be the one putting all the effort I am tried of not feeling love I am tried of feeling sad for someone that does not care about meIm tried of not knowing if I am just being melodramatic I am tried of wanting to be sad and not being happy for things in my life I wish you felt the same way and did and you put the effort to make this work I just wish I had that same feeling I had when you said you truly love me I just wish you told me how you feelI just wish with all my heart that you would forget the idea of the harem and just love me I wish I had the courage to tell you but I do not want to lose you I wish I could go in the past and broken up with you since the begging for the idea of the harem and it bothers me so much I just want something or someone to love me so much and to always be there for me I just want to feel worthy and feel loved I do not want want to be sad I want to be in love I want your kisses again I want to be in my room with you all night I want to hear your secrets I want to know all about you I want you to touch my hair and I want you to touch my waist and make me feel beautiful I just want my boyfriend to be her only girl and I want him to love me with every cell in his body just like I would I want him to tell me he loves me every day and that I am the most beautiful thing in his life. I am tried of feeling unworthy and not enough when I know I am not and I deserve better blame,Depression +22673,"My boyfriends friend who is a female just recently started texting me and when i say recently i mean like just yesterday. The girl, we will call her aiya.Aiya is wanting to kill her self because the guy she was dating for 2 months dumped her because she was feeling depressed. horrible for her right? sounds awful. i only saw the problem in her ex but once i kept texting aiya, i realized, the problem was mostly her. This is annoying because i have not dealt with this type of stuff since middle school or high school. And you may think oh that is a simple fix just reassure her and convince her to make some changes. Its not as easy as you would think. She genuinely does NOT want to live. i have said everything i have needed to say to her but all she says is No about literally EVERYTHING and all she says is that she wants him back, the thing is that aiya is 100% aware of what she is doing. she knows that its not worth it to feel shit over some guy and she knows she is just giving her ex what he wants.. which is to see her suffer. she doesent want help she doesent want to get better i do not know what to do this is my first time having to come on reddit and ask for advice on this. because I have been pretty good at convincing people to stay alive but this is just a whole different case.It may be simple to just not talk to her anymore and let her deal with her own problems but my brain will not let me just leave her even if it is not my problem. She needs actual help.Its nearly and probably impossible to convince her to move on. She has extreme attachment issues more than i have seen in anyone. I am starting to think this life is a lost because of hers. If anyone has advice or wants more input that would be great, i do not know if i should report her? she lives all the way in virginia and i live in utah so i cannot do anything. friend is trying to kill themselves hurry and answer anyone please",Suicidal +22674,"So, long story short, in early March, I was let go from my job. Since then, I have been looking tirelessly for work, but I had no luck. So I have decided to kill myself. I live in the NYC area, so I am probably going to jump in front of a subway train. If I do not kill myself, I can foresee my future. My unemployment runs out, I become broke, I cannot pay rent, I become homeless, I end up living a low quality life. I want to live a low quality life, so I might as well kill myself. Work will never come to me. I have tried for the past four months for that to become untrue. Well, its not happening, no matter how hard I try. So its suicide for me. What else is there to do in life",Suicidal +22675,"-31m- Ended a 2 year relationship 2 months ago. We were living together.- Got my own 1 bedroom apartment a month ago.- Got a cat a week ago.- Work night shift at a data center by myself.- Online dating sucks.So basically, I have little to no human contact",Depression +22676,I have called my crisis team but have to wait for a call back. I have bpd and I am at the lowest point in my life Anyone feel like chatting? I cannot stop crying and I am in so much emotional pain I feel physically sick,Suicidal +22677,"I started feeling better and it is just the same shit happening which has made me crawl back inside myself. I do not want to be around anyone, and I cannot very well do that cuz I have a partner and two kids. Before someone gives me the your kids will miss and need you please. I have been there already I just do not want to be here. I hate that I am never understood no matter how much I explain. I am always fucking up for people. My used to be friend messaged me yesterday and turns out it was just because I owe them money. Nothing more nothing less. I was so close to self harm again. I still want to hurt myself just not right now and then again it might make me feel a little less suicidal. I feel like it is just getting worst for me",Suicidal +22678,"I cannot even get sad for them. My life has so much beauty but still the things that supposed to devastate me did not because they were funny. Literally funny, stupid and tragicomic shit fucked my life so hard that I cannot even get sad. I got raped when I was a child but I got drugged and went to sleep before it which is -in my country- an infamous villians tactic for that kind of shit. I remember this after like 10 years (part bu par, I am not just raped, molested, beaten up etc.) and I could not even get sad because the stupid similarity. My all other traumas are like this. Stupid shit, not even funny but just tragicomic. I think about suicide 3-4 times a day but despite all this; I am talented, have good friends and a caring family. I am in the middle of this dualism and I am melting day by day. my traumas are funny af",Suicidal +22679,"I got the best news of my life that I was actually pregnant today just to have a miscarriage hours later. I have no friends. My family has been abusive or absent with the exception of my wonderful grandmother who has kept me going this long, but it feels like its not enough anymore. My partner broke up with me a couple weeks ago, he does not love me anymore. I feel completely, completely alone. there is no hope left for me, I am severely traumatized and mentally ill and I have been in and out of psychiatric treatment for years. there is no avenues left for me to go down. I am going to spend the weekend with my ex and try to make it a good one. But I know that him and everyone else would be happier without me. I have started collecting the materials I need and Monday is the day for me. Depressed for 11/21 years of my life and see no hope in sight.",Suicidal +22680,Does anyone else in here have asperger's syndrome? Because I think that realising that I do not have many friends (a good amount of them being only superficial) kickstarted my depression. It also helped me realise that I am terrible at making friends and really awkward when meeting new people. Over the last 2 years I just spiraled down this hole and do not really know what to do or how to get better at socialising. Depression and asperger's,Depression +22681,"I do not know where else to vent or turn to..I feel like a failed partner, mom, friend, and woman. My man works hours and hours everyday while I sit on my ass..I clean but it will never be good enough to me. I have cats that soil the carpet but they mean the world to me and I know I should get rid of them. I have no money, no job, and I feel like a worthless mooch. I was abused by every man I have loved including my sons father. Now that I have met a man that actually takes care of me I cannot do anything right. I just feel so empty and exhausted and do not know what to do anymore. I am just overwhelmed at this point.. I feel like a failed woman",Suicidal +22682,"Just got rejected across the board at law schools. My undergrad GPA is abysmal, close to 2.0, but counselors feel the need to be ""positive"" and encouraged me anyway. I expected the rejection but it still feels like a door closed and I think I must have been a bit deluded to apply at all.I have no job. The only job experience I have is in retail and some other minor stuff, and no matter how nicely I dress up my resume, applying to jobs feels extremely futile. I have gotten some initial interviews in recent years but nothing else.I do not have friendships. I do not see people often. Some ""friends"" I know, we have occasional shallow interactions and I do not feel any true connection and bond. I also feel less and less able to relate to them as they move forward in life while I stay stuck.My family is not close or overly loving and have been abusive in the past.it is just getting harder and harder to pretend it will get better. I know I can do well academically when my mental issues are not crippling me but at this point to make it into some sort of further education, do well there and find work seems like an almost impossible slog that will take me my entire 30s at best, at worst a risky gamble that might not result in work anyway. Like, is that doable? Spending your 30s like an adolescent, trying to start your life, with no real income?I lack a sense of worth, a sense of greater purpose, connection and love to others. I mostly just feel grief, loss and disillusionment. I have been at the margins for so long, trying to hold on, trying to find meaning and hope, but it is getting harder. Turning 31 this year and feeling hope dwindling in every aspect of my life",Suicidal +22683,"Why is it so fucking difficult to get a job, I have tried for years and I still have no experience. I have been rejected in 3 interviews in this one week alone. What the actual fuck. I am getting sick and tired of this shit. My nonexistent confidence was shattered a long time ago because my stupid fucking ass cannot do a simple task like getting a job. My self-hatred is aggravated by the fact I cannot get a job and I spend most of the day absolutely miserable and wishing I would just not exist. I feel even worse because I paid 7k for a useless certificate that was supposed to help me! Not only that but I have a mark of distinction too! What am I doing wrong? The more I get rejected the more bitter I get. I feel fucking useless.The only thing that gets me through the day is my long distance girlfriend but she is not always around to talk and I do not want to bother her with my problems. She already knows how absolutely pathetic I am.I guess I am not really asking for help or anything, I just am very upset right now and want to know that someone knows how I feel right now. Why is it such a struggle?",Depression +22684,"Well. That happened. And I think I am going to cry. On my cake day. I am a piece of shit, said something that I guess was offensive (?). Idk. I am just tired. Getting told to choke because I am a waste of oxygen and am stealing it from others feelsreally bad. You know what I said? I do not. I cannot remember. I have a lot going on right now. I just got prescribed two new medications and still have not gotten help for my depression. I really want to be happy. Any advice? Or comfort? Got called a waste of oxygen and told to choke",Depression +22685,I do not care about sex at all like it would be nice to have sex but I just really want someone to be there for me when I need them I want to be in a relationship not because of sex but because they make me happy Loneliness,Depression +22686,"My life has gotten worse for 10 years. Nothing has worked to make it better. I just cannot do this anymore, I am tired..I am just so fucking tired of every day trying to cope with everything. I have not lived in so long. My mental health and chronic pain have completely engulfed my life. I am a she will of who I once was. I am a burden to my family and girlfriend. I do not even know if she loves me anymore but I cannot blame her. I have lost myself. I have lost her. I have nobody. I cannot FUCKING DO THIS",Suicidal +22687,I do not know how much longer I can do this. I wake up miserable. I cry every day. Some days I do not even think I love my children. I was suicidal before I even became a mother and I used to think they were the ones who saved me.But I am not so sure anymore. I want out of this life. I hate being a mom and i think I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +22688,"I feel like I am a failure in every sense of the word. I am unable to make any friends, I am failing at my studies and I cannot find a job. I do not know what to do anymore; I tried so hard to make friends in high schools and university. Talked to as many people as I could, invited people to hang out and yet I am still unable to make any friends. I am never invited to any parties nor am I added in any group chats. I do not have a friend group. what is wrong with me, why am I such a failure? My parents invested so much money and time into my studies and yet I am failing at uni. I am unable to find a good internship and job unlike the people around me. I am an idiotic failure. I do not know what to do with my life at this point. I wished everything would just turn into nothingness. I am tired of trying and struggling. I want to end it. I am so tired of everything",Suicidal +22689,I want to get out of this so bad everyday is just spent surviving I want to be able to live my life not be stuck in this all the time its been too many years I do not even know who I am anymore I do not feel anything I do not know anything I feel like a robot on autopilot I feel like I am going insane I want the world to give me someone good in my life I want love and affection I feel like I am bothering my friends too they are all probably so tired of me by now some already left I do not have anyone and its getting so hard to to keep doing this alone I want to get out of this,Depression +22690,"I know most people try to help me, but my mother mainly, makes me feel like a sick bitch, she makes it very explicit that she talks to me practically just so I do not kill myself and she feels guilty, she does not really care about what I say or do she just wants to draw her conclusions by forcing me to things and taking me away from the things that bring me genuine joy, it is obvious she does not want to feel guilty if I kill myself but treating me like that, like a burden basically, only makes me feel worseshe also loves to say that in her time this did not exist and that it is my fault for feeling like this, she also says that I do not want to get better and keeps pressing me to say everything I feel all the time calling me boring and stupid if I do not speak or I cannot get it all out in the way SHE wants my mom treat me like a crazy bitch",Depression +22691,"I will kill myself until the end of this month, that is the time I gave myself to put some stuff in order. I cannot do jackshit cannot focus on anything cannot function just fucking wake up go to sleep and distract myself inbetween I am not even living anymore. I would rather cut my losses here and go away permenantly than waste my parents money any further. I do not even expect any support or anything here just want to get it out to somewhere since I will stage my death as an accident. Hope other people here make it and survive, but that are not going to be me. Love you folks and take care Well that is it",Suicidal +22692,Just wondering if there is any link to the two of them and does anybody else here have this too? I have had depression for ages but what I noticed is how I can listen to the same song over and over again not get sick it. Also rewatching certain tv episodes over and over again to the point where I am questioning my own sanity. Depression causing obsessions?,Depression +22693,"Please for the love of god someone interact with this. I know it is not healthy but I really need it. I have been living and working these past few years in the Hopes that eventually things will be solved. What things you ask? Well I will list them off here really quickly.1. Hate my body, everything about it from my face to my stomach to my dick. Everything is the exact opposite of everything I want it to be and it IS impossible to change.2. I am going to die someday and all I have ever done will be rendered meaningless.3. I do not love things like everyone else does. I do not love real people and the people I do love I cannot be with because they are not real.For years and years I have been living life off of the belief that these problems will have a solution. I have done the liberty of listing the solutions as well.1. Maybe far off in the future I will be able to switch bodies through brain transplant to something I want. Maybe I will be able to construct a robotic body of my own.2. Maybe someday they will make a way to become immortal, or find a way to resurrect the long dead. And I will be able to continue enjoying the life I have loved so much.3. Maybe even further off in the future they will invent a way to travel through dimensions, and I will be able to be with someone I really love.I have believed these things, really I had hope. But I have had it thrown in my face. I have been told everything I have hoped for, everything I ever wanted is impossible. I do not want my life to end, I love it so much. But it is going to end and I cannot sleep knowing that it will. I cannot do anything knowing that everything I have ever wanted is impossible. I cannot live knowing this. Please I am begging whatever person is reading this, anyone at all. I am trying anything to stay positive but I am going to die anyway",Suicidal +22694,#NAME?,Depression +22695,"I know this might not matter, but I have no where else to spill my thoughts. I am empty. I am lost. I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like the she will of what I once was. I used to love music, games, reading, running, and all things that make me human. For the past month, I have done none of that. I have laid here and have no energy to do anything at all. Yesterday, however, has changed all of it. I spent time with a family (not my family). They were wonderful people and had the most positive demeanor I have felt in ages. Once I returned home, I realized I will never have that in my life. I feel even worse than what I used to. I feel the need to talk to someone, but I get the feeling no one cares. I refuse to call the suicide hotline because they just throw me in the mental clinics, and I do not know about anyone else, but those places are hell. If you read this, thank you so much for listening, it truly means more than you can imagine. do not know if Ill attempt or not, but this felt good to let out. Lost",Suicidal +22696,"I have tried to use music as an outlet to express my struggle but when your brain is such a clusterfuck it is impossible to write something that explains what you are feeling, that is coherent and even sounds remotely good. But I guess that happens when you are worthless at everything. Why is it so fucking impossible to know and express what you feel.",Depression +22697,"Sometimes I like the fact that I am useless and a depressed little shit. It calms me down knowing that I do not have to try super hard because either way Ill probably fail. Sometimes I wish other people would dislike me more. That way they will not have to expect great things from me and be disappointed in the long run. Sometimes I like feeling worthless in this big wide world. No one will annoy me, they will just let me be. Not worth it to engage with me. I find comfort in being useless.",Suicidal +22698,"Any time i have any problem, i bring it to other people, if i feel bad, other people end up listening to me, if i need to follow a schedule, other people have to help me. I am tired of being a weight to other people with my own needs. I try to help my friends, but I am not experienced enough in life to fucking know what it is to have all the problems they have. I feel like I am a just a fucking spoiled brat, a child in a body of a 20 year old, that cannot do shit other than bother people with my own personal problems. Why is it so hard being fucking useful for myself? ""Oh hey i listened to my friend worries"", yea, good, but what about MYSELF? Why i cannot listen to MY OWN WORRIES and work on them. People try to help themselves, they try to change one way or the other, all i can do is ask people for help, i cannot fucking place my feet in front of myself to save my own fucking life. Most days i just want to sleep forever you know... If all i can do is place my burdens on other people, then why not simply... not exist anymore? Just vanish from existance, hide myself in a hole or simply die, it would be so useful, so... practical. Seems magical you know, the idea of a peaceful death, a way to clean yourself from sharing your burdens with other people, and from removing that useless weight from their shoulders. I do not think of killing myself, after all, i think that life is a interesting game, and while you are alive, you can always bet something on it to keep going. But at least taking a break from life, and sleeping for days or months seems like a inviting proposition... Like a medical coma, where all i need to do is just exist there. Why is it so hard to think I am any useful? Why do i want to simply sleep and never wake up",Suicidal +22699,"Long story short: My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me not too long ago in the most scarring way possible. I feel completely backstabbed. I imagined my life with this person. All my hopes, dreams, my image and view of the future Shattered. I have had partners before. This one was so much more different. I felt like it was perfect, too good to be true. I guess I was right. I hate myself for all the things that I have done wrong. After weeks and weeks, it still feels the exact same, no matter what I tried to do and how much I tried to make myself feel better. I still feel like my life has no meaning. I still feel anxious at night, unable to sleep more than 3-4 hours for weeks, and only being able to go to sleep when I am absolutely dead. I still puke from anxiety, I stress, and I have panic attacks. This feels completely unbearable. I am having serious thoughts of hurting myself or ending it all. The only reason I still hold on to life is because the teeniest tiniest glimpse of a hope that maybe something will happen. Maybe it will all be okay and this will get fixed between us. But a part of me knows that never happen. And that part becomes more me with each passing day. I fear if I lose all hope, I will lose myself with it. I do not think I will stay here much longer. I do not mean to be edgy. I just do not know what to do. I am miserable, and I suffer through every single day. How do I cope? Having serious thoughts of suicide and self harm",Suicidal +22700,"TW: Selfharm, mention of suicide This is a throwaway account because friends and family know my main account and I would rather not have them see this. Also as a warning, English is not my first language and I am drunk right now. I am trying to correct all typos as much as possible.I have been battling depression and PTSD for more than 7 years now and have been all alone for almost all of that time. My parents pretended to car but just forced me to go to therapy instead of lettint me make my own choices and do things in my own pace A year ago I have met my now best friend who I will call Troy. I love him so much, he is like a brother to me but I feel like I am too broken to have any friends. I feel like all I do is ruin his mood with my crying and venting and I cannot help but think that he would he better off without me. I should never have been born and I wish I was just dead. I am a failure and I do not know what to do anymore. I am too much of a coward to do it but I wish I could just kill myselfI'm not doing him any good and he is beating himself up because he cannot help me. I am too broken to have f4iens. I should be alone forever because all I do is ruin everythingI'm sorry, I do not know what my goal with this post is but I guess I am just hoping for someone to be there. Not to feel alone.. indint know I do not know what do to anymore",Depression +22701,"I just SIT, mindless, wasting away Honestly, wtf is wrong with me? I feel life is so incredibly pointless, like really *feeling* the monotony. I cannot shake it Life is not great right now, aaagainAnd I cannot see farther than a few seconds aheadBut my past vision is ever so clearFuck. I am just high talkin to myself Broken like some toy robot",Depression +22702,"I am a 34 year old woman who is a virgin. I have not kissed a guy in nine years and I have not gone on a date in a while. I am not having any luck on dating apps. I gained weight during the pandemic and I feel like crap because I have not lost it. I feel like such a loser. Everything is opening up again, and I still have the same problems. My Dad is home now after surgery and its gotten even worse. I almost ended up in the hospital last week. The doctor was smart enough to realize the cops overreacted. I had not been transported to the hospital since 2017 and they still did it anyway because it had happened in the past. I just feel so isolated from everyone. I do not have anyone to talk to or spend time with. I feel guilty for venting to my friend, she is starting to think I am an overactive bitch.I stopped working to try and focus on home and it has not helped much. I really do not want to go back to where I was working because I felt like they did not care how uncomfortable I was there. I had a table instead of a desk. My desk was in a walk in closet, along with a copier, a microwave, a refrigerator and the paper storage. I was facing towards the wall, so I never knew who was behind me. You have to walk past the closet to get to HR and I could hear peoples HR discussions, which made me feel uncomfortable. People also left medical forms lying around. I just felt like I had no privacy or space and was constantly invading other peoples privacy. But my boss did not seem to think it was a problem. I could not even move my chair back without hitting the fridge. Not to mention having to smell other peoples food.I have done interviews and heard nothing. I feel like the pandemic killed any career momentum I had. I am giving to be 35 soon and I am just worried its too late for me to do the things I want to do, like being in a rock band and tour the country, find love and get married, buy my own house in a place I want to live and have a job where I can grow and have a future. It just feels like the doors are closing and time is running out. I am so depressed right now. I wish I knew when this feeling would end. I am worried its too late for me",Depression +22703,"No matter what I will feel just so down. Even if I do everything to have a good day, keep off my phone, see a friend, exercise just like today my body will force myself sometime to feel fucking awful about myself. My body will wake myself up probably 3 times a night where I will just think about everything that has gone wrong in my life. I just cannot fucking escape it, I cannot take much fucking more of this. What can I do to get back to sleep? Usually I just watch or listen to something to get back to sleep but it does not fucking matter Ill just wake the fuck up again. I despise this, I cannot take this. There is no winning. I cannot escape it",Depression +22704,My life has taken a huge turn for the better. All though high school I was extremely depressed and when I finally got out I hoped it would be better. I tried to go to college but I flunked out and that of course just made everything worse. I went back home got a crappy job at an Applebees and started dating a crappy guy. The guy and I got into tons of fights. He was stealing from me. He lived in my apartment for free and he brought his other girlfriend over and fucker her on my couch. I only found out when I decided to get Instagram again and found his profile and that said he was dating someone else and she told me she went to his place and they had sex on his couch. I found her lip gloss in my couch a month after I threw him the hell out. I was livid. After hun and I broke up I got even more depressed I spent a whole week in my bed crying. I ended up downloading whisper and when guys started hitting on me I did not stop them. Eventually I stupidly went to one guys place because I was lonely. I told him I was dtf but not anal. Of course he gets me a red solo cup of wine and when I am only nursing it he starts pressuring me to drink more telling me I can stay the night. I did not finish the cup but I did drink more after that. Then he starts giving me edibles. I got to the point where I was almost completely out of it. He tied me up and fucked my ass. I then proceeded to just into yet another toxic as hell relationship with an guy who was married and told me he was in an open relationship (but of course never let me actually meet his wife). That was a disaster. Hes getting a divorce now. (Allegedly having nothing to do with me but do we really believe that folks?) I got a new job and my boss started sexually harassing me. Literally invited me to an orgy. He also like to hit his dab pen in the office and I got a bad habit of joining him. That never got worse than that tho because this is when I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My boyfriend and I started dating shortly after I got that job. Hes the most amazing man I have ever met. He cares for me. Really cares. He loves me and I love him. I got another serving job again and stayed there for about 6 months before finally getting into an office job.Now I am happier than I have ever been. My job is great for me and has helped my mental health a ton. My bf and I have been together 10 months and are going strong. I just want to put out there that no matter how bad life seems it can get better. Thank you for reading my story. TLDR: my life sucked now my life does not suck. I am glad I never committed suicide.,Depression +22705,"I have had a friend since middle school, we just graduated, and she is been depressed since I met her. She has terrible trauma that is is most likely the root of all of her mental issues, and she has said if she were to unpack everything she would need to be admitted to a psych ward. In high school her mental health became much worse, she became addicted to Benadryl, and almost commit suicide twice. She told this to her teacher, and Ms. J told the counselor and her parents and nothing happened. About 6 months ago she went to a therapist who said she was not depressed after being told she tried to kill herself. Recently her depression has changed, she has periods of extremely deep depression and the suddenly she will be the complete opposite, she went from planning her suicide, to throwing her plan away within a few hours. We were driving the other day and she said she jokingly said I might be having a manic episode. I looked up bipolar depression symptoms and she has almost every symptom and the description of it matches her behavior to a tea. I do not know how to help her because she laughs it off when I try to talk to her. Is there anything I can do to help her? I have a suicidal friend and I do not know how to help her",Depression +22706,"I tried for so many years to get better, its just getting worse. I am 31 yo and I am living such a nightmare, I have been happy such few days for a year, i did everything to get friends out of my life so it will not hurt them so much. I will not stay in this world more than 2 days, i hope all of you will find happiness, love, self love and great things. I tried",Suicidal +22707,"Yeah I guess I will explain my thoughts...you know i sometimes have thought like how everyone around me would be happier if I was dead and then I like try I think of good things or something and I do, but then like I cannot, my brain just turns everything bad, any friend I think about suddenly actually hates me, nobody actually likes me etc.Then I feel some twisted sense of happiness when I drown in my self sorrow. And then I stop. I just think ""a my brain is doing something stupid again just need to do something else and it will be fine"" so I do that, start chatting to someone on Xbox listening to loud music, anything that does not allow me to think. And then it is just alright again. Everybody feels like that sometimes right? Often read stuff like this on the internet, everyone seems to feel like this sometimes. And I feel completely alright after it happens.But then I sometimes think, but what if it is not normal? What if that is the actual you? What if your just lying to yourself? Your just pretending your happy right? you could not be actually happy when you often feel that that.And I just try not to think of that to much. So I told basically this what I just wrote to someone I know. he is pretty much the only person I could talk to stuff like this about, maybe because I do not actually know him IRL. And he said that maybe I should just talk to a professional.But like I am fine right? Just making this post already makes me feel like I am admitting like something is wrong with me. When I mostly think there is not. I feel like talking to a professional worth suggest to my brain like ""see there is something wrong with you so stop trying to hide you you really are you miserable fuck.Even tho that is not true I do not think I actually feel like that. I do not really know what I am expecting as a response, I just kind of wanted to write my thoughts down? maybe someone will have something to say I think posting this makes it worse.",Suicidal +22708,"I ruined my life. I used to have all those YOLO moments. I am a funny and very outgoing person in the outside. Getting asked out by men. Always a boss fave coz of my work ethics and get all my tasks done. Then something came to my life. I ruined my life. I resigned from my work because I do not have anymore the will to move. I even filed a vacation leave for 3 months to find myself back but i failed that is why i resigned. I had a boyfriend. We broke up but we still keep on touch. I went back home to my parents. I isolated myself from my coworkers and friends. Unfriended all of them. Nothing on my social medias but my family and followed pages only. After unfriending them, you will really know who is really concerned and truly loves you. Its been 8 months now, and did not talk with other people aside from my family and ex boyfriend. I tried to apply for a job so it will get me busy again but after they gave me an offer. Thinking that i will be out there again talking to other people and i will be back to my old YOLO me, get me so tiring and loss my will again just thinking of it. So I declined the offers.I do not want my parents to worry about me. So i help them with household chores or cooking for meals. I had small talks with them so it will look i am okay. Then go back to my room. For 8 months that is my life.I workout and meditate in my room almost everyday hoping i get back my will to live. But it failed.I have this plan last december on how to kill myself. This is not my first time. Tried hanging myself last october. But it failed. Lucky no one found me. I just woke up from the floor saw the belt i used snapped.The only thing that make me looks calm in the outside coz I already have my deadline for my death. I already have this very neat plan. Recorded a good bye video for my parents and sisters. Before hanging myself again. All my social medias and accounts will be deleted. I am just now waiting for my money i earned from my sidework so i can drop it to my parents account. This is my first time posting with audience. I just always post all my feelings in to my private secret IG account with no followers and followings. Ruined my life. cannot get it back on track. And now Killing myself cannot get out of my mind.",Suicidal +22709,"I have failed so much throughout my life and i continue to fail. My wish is to forever be remembered especially through music but how long will people remember me? Will i be forgotten?My accomplishments throughout my life are unnoticed and i feel like i wasted my life. I have just failed over and over. If i fail again, is there a reason to continue knowing how much ill keep failing? I feel so unaccomplished",Depression +22710,"I barely do stuff anymore and every day just feels the same, no one likes me and I am just burden i just really feel like i should kill myself but I am just trying not to. Nothing feels good anymore i do not want to live anymore.",Depression +22711,Honestly have not been happy for the past 2 -4 years at all had happy moments but overall feel like I am a fucking failure. I have no friends (went to an alternitive school)no car and right now not even working. I feel like shit just laying in bed all day playing games watching movies and hitting my pen. I am just over doing the same thing everyday i have not even been out once with a group a friends and this is my last year of h.s fucking pathetic. I go on walks does not help i cannot go to my mom or else she will want to bring me to a hospital and that is not what i want to be in some room with someone else on watch.Yeah no I am just tired of it all life does not even feel good I am just here watching everyone else live life. It seems stupid to me too work a 9-5 come home sleep go back to work and maybe get to enjoy yourself 2/7 days no thanks seems pointless i want to end itJust do not know how. Iknow it would hurt my family but it just does not seem worth it anymore Lifes Dark,Suicidal +22712,"i have so much going on in my mind right now.i do not know if i have depression on not. lately, it seems like i have been crying about the smallest thing that are not normal for me to cry about. for example, i greatly regret buying a laptop and cried when i found out i have to save two thousand dollars to buy another one. I am not sure what is wrong with myself. i usually cry every now and then but recently it started to happen daily. crying over dumb things",Depression +22713,"My father does not beat me THAT MUCH, only when I do stuff wrong, just mentioning before people get the idea that he beats me every second. He is still mean to me though. Also, he usually beats me when nobody is watching. Only today, when my mom went outside with my sister, he beat me when something simply fell to the ground, about a few inches away from the floor, when I did not even do it. And Yes, another thing to mention",Depression +22714,"there is someone I am dating, who I love very much. I became aware early on that he suffered from poor mental health, but I did not realize the extent of it until about a month ago. I learned over the past several weeks that he has long been passively suicidalI understand that to be the term for him not wanting to kill himself but not really interested in preventing his death either. Lately, hes come up with a plan to end his life if he cannot find a way to accomplish a financial goal after a certain amount of time.Just to be transparent, I do not suffer from depression, at least not in the way those who post here do. I might be able to learn and understand the concepts around it but I do not understand what its like to feel what he feels, and I am trying to help him.I have been struggling over the past month to deal with this information. I have been feeling pretty devastated over this since I first learned about it. I have been trying my best to say everything I can to get him to change his mind, even at the risk of him hating me, but his mind is set. He has been taking medication but says it has not worked for awhile, and yet refuses to get it updated or seek treatment. If he misses time at the gym, even just a couple days, he describes his depression as unbearable. He takes a hormone supplement, but other than that, his depression seems essentially untreated.Having talked to him repeatedly about it over the past few weeks, I have learned a lot about depression. I at first thought he felt this way because of a situation, because of actions or inactions related to that situation, because of dissatisfaction with the world around him. Now I better understand that while those things may be true, what really has him struggling is that living so far has been very painful to him for a very long time, and he does not want to try anymore to make it better. Basically if he cannot complete his goal, he feels there is no further reason to brave the pain. He believes that pain is impossible to treat or live without. He says things that I see a lot in this subreddit.Once I began to understand what he was feeling a bit better, I began specifically trying to convince him to get help with his depression. He seems open to the possibility (e.g. he acknowledged that there may be hope, even if he does not feel up to trying for it,) so I am trying to gather information. I am trying to learn more about what hes feeling, which is why I came here. I am trying to find info about depression, what that is like, whether treating it is effective, how much he may recover, what is entailed, whether those who have been through it or are undergoing it currently feel that its worth it, and anything else just so that I can be informed and also to help give him enough hope to try to address the depression hes feeling, and hopefully help him past the feeling that death is the only way he can feel relief.Which brings me to why I am here. After spending some time in this subreddit, I realize that a lot of people who post here feel the same kinds of things he feels. In my desperation to help him, I wanted to ask people who actually go through these things whether I am doing the right thing, and for your perspective on depression treatment; is it a good idea? If you are going through it, or have been through it, are you glad you did? Is it actually helpful for you? What would you say to my partner, and how should I change the things I am saying? What do you think someone who is really trying to help a person feeling what he feel should say or do?Thanks so much for reading this. I hope I have not offended or upset anyone and wish you all the very best in getting through your own situations with depression, or with helping someone who deals with it. How do I help? What would you say?",Depression +22715,"Safe, Sane, Sober **Check**Good support network **Check**Roof over my head **Check**Full stomach **Check**Medication *Check**Hope for the future **Check**Sincerely, it just is not worth it. I have given every atom of my being into my therapy, my friends, myself, and my future. I do not know why I feel like this.I cannot keep this shit up. I have had an ego death. I understand pain. I have had my good days. I am practicing healthy coping skills. Everything is pointing towards me being ok. I am not.I do not want to live. I am done fighting, done pushing for a better tomorrow. Everything has turned to ash in my mouth. I cannot handle this burden anymore. I have put my heart and soul into living a better lifestyle.",Suicidal +22716,I have planned to die at the railroad tracks but somebody else is trying to die the same way as well but they got the attention of the police and the police made a post about it looking for them will it harder for my attempt to be successful? If somebody else wants to kill themselves the same way and same place i have planned to die as well will it be harder for my death to be successful?,Suicidal +22717,got to love the US it would be cheaper for my family to bury me than to have me treated,Suicidal +22718,"I know I am horrible person. And that fact hurting everyone around me. that is why I think if I am gone, it will make everyone around me happier, have easier life. Besides the fact that I genuinely want to just dissappear, the fact that I hurt people around me just makes me want to just gone. But everytime I mention it, or try it, everyone around me try their hardest to stop it from happening. I do not understand. Me being here is not benefit anyone. But everyone around me just do not want to let me go. Please make up your mind",Suicidal +22719,"Yes, my family beside my father care about me. I try to show that I am not deeply frustrated and sad, and it works. Either ways, in the country I was born in, hitting was normal. They would not care either ways, even if the care about me. If I told anybody about how I hurt myself, (sorry for mentioning) they would just sell it out to my father and I would be beat even more (EVEN THOUGH I HURT MYSELF) since I hurt myself. If I tell him why, I just get beat even more, as he would say that I am making a big deal out of it. Another thing to mention",Depression +22720,"I am on the cusp of all my dreams coming true. My band just got label support. I have my own place. A girlfriend. A dog. I thought one thing after another would fix it. But at least once a day, whether it be one intrusive thought, flying by like an easily swatted away mosquito, or an all consuming mist of ""do it do it do it do it"", it is there. I do not know how to stop it. I do not know if I can forever. So many people will be absolutely fucked if I do it but I know tying my will to live to the stake of my own usefulness will backfire one day. I will not do it today. I will not do it tomorrow. But I might one day. I do not know. I could live to 80 or not make it to 30. I do not know anymore. I just needed to type it out. it is all perfect on paper, but the thought will not go away.",Suicidal +22721,"Yeah, I am back again to mention something else. also, I put 2 comments in my last post. My father also verbally and mentally abuses me. He calls me useless, ugly, shit, etc, often. When I forget to do stuff he yells at me mean phrases which I do not want to mention and also picks something up or uses his hands to make a motion like he is about to hit me. One time, he put the back (not sharp side) of a knife at my neck. When I was a bit younger, he also choked me by my neck. I am just discussing this and even so my life is terrible, I do not want to bring the police into this. I am just too scared and also I may pass out if I se the police go to where I live. I do not deal with those situations or the one I am having in my life now. Letting it all spill out just makes me feel better. I hate my life (2)",Depression +22722,"I plan to commit suicide somewhere in mid-August. I witnessed how my parents fought, one time at a resort where my mother tried to bash my father's head with a table lamp. For the first 4 years of school I was bullied, heavily. On my first day I got a mass beating because I cried on the celebration lineup. What followed is a big fight (me vs everybody else in my class) and a lot of hate towards my teachers. The 8 years of that school are some of the worst I can remember, partially because of my unstable mother. At some point my parents got divorced and my father was not living with us for a long time, but he could visit me. One time we went to a park but for some reason stopped at the place he was renting. When I got back my mother sensed something was odd and asked me what it was. She told me there would be no consequences If I told the truth. So I did. What followed is my most horrific memory to date. To put it simply, it involved a lot of slurs directed at me and my father, screaming and beating an expensive high-end plasma tv with a hammer. Things calmed down since then - my parents now share the same apartment, I completed my basic education and so on. But something just never left me. A feeling of uselessness, desire to not exist anymore. It became apparent to me around 2 years ago and it got a somewhat of a deadline 6 months ago. Basically, my situation is bad. The exams I studied for with very good and professional teachers (from another school) came out bad. Like, I got my place in my university only because of some contest. And it did not pan out. I chose translation as my profession with the English and German languages. This summer I was to take my first-year exam. German was a complete failure. I can retake it in September but it will not do much, why if the past year did not do it? Basically I have nowhere to go. If I will retake the exams they will come out even worse, and my current scores will not get me into any university or college at all.For my whole life I felt like I do not belong here, like I was a mistake. Well, it seems to be true. It is sad I will not get to witness my nineteenth birthday. How my cat's going to grow up. It is sad that I will leave my parents with no hope for the future. But it would be even more sad to live off them for the rest of my life, or to end up homeless. I am scared, but ultimately it does not change anything. In the end we are all ants on a big rock that is going to boil us alive. My absence is insignificant. I do not know where to go anymore",Suicidal +22723,I am being abused and no one cares at all . I have no one to turn to . I am doing my best but it does not matter . I am going to die from this and no one cares Literally no one cares,Suicidal +22724,"My patience for other people is dwindling. I no longer enjoy talking to my friends. I am no longer interested in what I used to call my hobbies. How come I have to speak in a positive tone when I am feeling like this. How come when I say something in a negative tone, its my fault and I am the bad guy. Why cannot people respect my space. When I say leave me alone, my family demonizes me. I used to be bubbly, optimistic, and outgoing. Now I hate the world and see life for what it isa big waste of time and were only here because of biological purposes. To survive so we can fuck and produce more offspring so that our genes can thrive. there is nothing deep about it, no bigger picture. God fuck I wish I had the guts to kill myself but I do not. Scratched my arm to the point where it feels a little numb.",Suicidal +22725,"I feel like i want to die, i need my dad. I do not understand how this happened. This all feels like a dream It hurtsb",Depression +22726,"I have been on painkillers and penicillin for four days now and they have not done shit, I cannot get it pulled out until Tuesday and I just cannot think straight, I have considered suicide for the last two days, I need help. I am over this gucking toothache, I want to die.",Suicidal +22727,I was going to do it last night but I knew someone in my family might come check on me. Woke up to an empty house for the weekend. Spontaneous trip I guess. This just feels like its meant to be. I want to be at peace sooooooooo badly. I am ready. The circumstances are right. God please let me go The universe says its time,Suicidal +22728,My life is painful enough Least painful way to die,Suicidal +22729,"Why cannot I just be alright with myself dude, I am so fucking done hiding my shit with humor and self deprecation, this is fucked up. TLDR; I hate myself and am annoyed by it I am sick of hating myself",Depression +22730,"This does not feel real. It feels like I am in some nightmare that I have to wake up from. None of this feels like real life... But I am not asleep. I am wide awake, and this is really fucking happening. I do not know. I just feel so fucking lost man... I was going to talk to my family about my depression today. This morning, my mom died of a heroin overdose...",Suicidal +22731,"I have psychosis :) its shit i hate it i would literally do anything to not have it anymore. Anyway my friend knows i suffer with this horrific illness i had to drop out of exam year and have no grades because of it, I have had attempts because of it and she knows this. Anyway lately i feel like my symptoms and beginning to get worse for the absolute life of me i cannot tell my friend because I am scared of what she would say and judge me. Anyway she started being like go out ur selfish for staying in i made shitty excuses like I am getting a new phone, I am visiting my family, I am tired you know. And she sent me a massive paragraph about how selfish i am for not being able to go to college with her and how I am lazy and selfish for not going out like hun you know i deal with a severe mental illness. Anyway this might seem little but i literally have no friends irl because of this like one called me a psycho a few weeks ago and they all think I am crazy i hate it sm. I literally just want to go to the balcony and jump off a 50 story building because i cannot deal with this forever. Staying alive is painful",Suicidal +22732,"I am 21 and I suffer from depression and panic attacks since 2019. I thought this would not be serious but repetitive lockdowns and online class ruined my hopes to quickly return to my former mental stability. I feel my mental health slowly falling apart month by month and I am losing hope in everything. Something in my mind keeps me from telling my family and friends. I do not want them to worry about me. Talking about it here is a huge step for me. The last few days were terrible. For the first time in my life, commiting suicide became something I could do. I will soon be leaving the family home to settle in another city for my studies and I am afraid how I am going to handle loneliness in addition to sadness and anxiety. I had my very first suicidal thoughts this week",Depression +22733,I am 21 turning 22 on Monday. I feel like I am nothing. I have researched all kinds of way to die by self but I am too scared to do any of it. I wish I could disappear this is too much. I have no idea what to fo,Suicidal +22734,"We as humans have normalized being hurtful. Think of how many times you have called somebody a name in the last month, or even today. Think about how many times you have heard somebody else call somebody a hurtful name in the last month, or even today.Why have we normalized this behavior? Why have we not normalized communicating about a problem? let us relate this to a situation.Somebody cut me off today while I was driving. They cut right in front of me, causing me to have to swerve right and slam on my breaks to avoid hitting them. What is the normal response to this situation? ""That ASSHOLE!"". Maybe a middle finger? here is what I did after slamming on my breaks. I thought, ""I wonder if that was on purpose."" Then I kept driving. Just look at a debate show. When I watch *almost* any debate show I see two adults with a goal. It seems that the goal is to make the other person look stupid. If I look almost anywhere I see people being aggressive, name-calling, violence.Suicide rates are at a all-time high. Hell, If I told you I never had the thought of putting a gun to my head, I would be lying.How do we as humans change this normalization? Sad world",Depression +22735,"(Bit of a rant so you do not have to read.)I am 34, I have had serious suicidal ideation since I was probably 16. (Diagnosed with severe clinical depression at 13, bipolar 2 at 19 which was then changed to borderline personality disorder at 21. Told I will always have suicidal thoughts to some degree.)I am moderately disabled (if one can be /moderately/ disabled) by the sheer amount of physical pain and fatigue that I am in every day, even though I take morphine every 12 hours.. plus a load of other stuff.. my back is wrecked from herniating three specific discs too often, so they will not heal naturally. I have other stuff but it is complicated and does not really matter.I lost my job - a brilliant job for a wonderful company - in early 2013 because my mental illness was uncontrolled and then I had a breakdown. I developed Fibromyalgia as a result. I am still unemployed.I have had many, many years of therapy. My mental health is better than it was, but I still struggle with it every day.I am married to a 73yr old, and the age did not matter when he was 60, but now.. it does. It really does. we have never slept together. we have had separate bedrooms for the past four years. he is a jehovahs witness and I am not.I love him dearly but I am beginning to resent him.My friends - who know the full, complicated story - all tell me to leave, to get a place on my own, to start fresh.How can I do that when I am unemployable? When I have no savings? When I have barely any income of my own because I have become dependant on my husband?These are all rhetorical questions because they have been asked twice before. I stayed, and look where I am. Again.The number of times I have wanted to end my life is countless. I have never attempted, because I know when I do, it will be successful. I will have no 'attempt'. I have always been talked out. Or just not told anyone.Or done this- write long, stupid posts on Internet sites and by the end I just feel so sick of myself and my conceited whining that I end up engaging in self harm instead - pain instead of oblivion. I deserved that.But there is got to come a point where I reach these crossroads, see their familiar options, and just think.. I /cannot/ go down that road again. It does not work.. I cannot make it work.I realised today that my husband never asks me how I am, or if I am okay. It took a dream of someone who cared about me in the past to make me realise this.But all those people are gone.I am so lonely. So low.I do not want to hurt anyone and I know that I will. I just hope that they will be able to find it in their hearts to realise that I have spent my lifetime hurting.. And I cannot bear to do it any more. Come to this crossroads so many, many times..",Suicidal +22736,"I am about a month into having a job flr the summer, and everyone I talk to are always like ""Oh, that is nice, it is nice to need to get used to a schedule!"" and ""Great, at least you will not need to be bored at home all day anymore!"" What they do not realize is that the time when I am 'bored' at home is pretty much the only time (apart from when I am hanging out with friends) that I am not daydreaming about being run over by a bus or hit by lightning or something. it is been a month, and I absolutely fucking despise it. There are no redeeming qualities. Sure, the coworkers are nice people, but fuck me, I get overwhelmed, stressed, anxious and irritated all at once in the blink of an eye, and I hate that so much. One month down, more than forty years to go, is it any fucking wonder people just off themselves?""But the money, eh???? EEEEH???"" fuck off, I do not care. I literally *need* it to live this fucking life that I never asked for, but that does not mean I actually need to care one bit about any of it./rant Life loses more and more color every day...",Depression +22737,"I have been considering suicide a lot for the last few days. tbh its just been getting worse and worse over the years. i do not even want to exist anymore. my mom keeps saying if i do not do everything i hate I am going to be depressed fat and sad for the rest of my life. like I am not already depressed and fat. everytime i make a tiny fucking mistake my mom starts yelling and shit. once i did not hear my dad say something and my mom took away all my fucking electronics for the rest of the day. may not sound like a big deal for you, but i rely on the internet. i rely on video games to stay alive. my school makes it even worse. everyone just makes me feel stupid and i have panic attacks constantly. i keep fucking messing up and everyone just laughs. if i try to tell my opinion everyone just laughs. i get made fun of the way i talk, walk, look EVERYTHING. what the fuck is the point in living if everything I am going to feel is pain suffering and stress? and everyone just says ""it gets better trust me"". it does not. it just gets worse, and worse, and worse. i keep cutting my arms up when my last scar heals. every time i try and say anything to my class or teachers no one listens. why will not anyone just listen for once? i just want to stay in my room for the rest in my life. why cannot i just become an adult and die? why? why fucking me? what did i do? i did nothing. please help me. i do not know how much longer i can hang on in there",Suicidal +22738,"These two people...Years ago I loved them...They changed overtime became abusive for no reason were the reason for my suicidal thoughts. I once had enough. Screamed to them they are the reason I want to kill myself. They do not care. They are the reason I have severe depressive Episodes. They are the reason I hate my body (that is a whole different story). And they think it files everything when they tell me they are sorry ans give me some money but then not even a day later do the same things?. They have beaten me, destroyed my stuff... I will become 18 in 25 days... I never thought I would come this far... Well if I have not met my love last year i would be dead already.. But I finall can tell them how much I hate them, how much I tried to help them to make everything better but they kept being assholes. They destroyed my life. I am going to be happy when I do not see them anymore... or not... sometimes I still wish they will change... I never thought it will end like this. I believed my whole live they are good people... they are not.Either it Ends in me being happy after I leave the house... or maybe I will not be able to withstand that mental pain. Idk.I wish they were the same as 10 years ago...Only because I am bot like they wanted me to be...I hate them... Mom, Dad I hate you",Depression +22739,"I am feeling really shitty, need a distraction anyone want to talk about anything at all Feeling shitty, want to talk?",Depression +22740,Idk. Its like I cannot win. Do your friends get mad at you for being depressed after asking you what is wrong?,Depression +22741,"Today my cousin dropped by, bags packed ready for a week vacation here with us. I asked her why she was here, and she said because she wanted to, as if nothing was helding her back, a pang of envy washed over me dumbfounded even. She went and knocked on my parents room and greeted them, barely awake since we have all just woken up, she could do that; to open doors and not be greeted with disdain, she could walk without having to be on thin ice like me, she was like that. breakfast came, and we have moved on to family matters. How was your mom? how is the business? and she would say everything is okay. My mom asks, why are not you helping her right now? and she answered because their shop was too hot for her, just like that, she had a choice I realized. My mother whispered, you should help as if she was a bad child, but i could feel the guilt on her voice as if she too realized it is not true. My cousin gave a look, reassuring her it does not reallt matter because my mother never guilt trips me about it, She had that freedom. I forget sometimes, this emotions that claw out of my heart, that take root into my head. I envy, and I feel numb, angry and confused. Why me? why do I have to settle for hot rarely cold? why must I force myself to forget years of abuse because their nice now, they will not hurt me anymore. I am angry. I am envious. and most importantly I am too scared to die. I am jealous.",Depression +22742,Seems like a good age. I want to die when I turn 25,Suicidal +22743,"I saw other people were showing theirs, so I wanted to as well.If you are reading this, then I am sorry, or not, I am not really sure if I should be. Chances are I will not be alive when you read this. Which is good for me, because I will not have to deal with you asking me about it. This whole situation should not be shocking, it is been a long time coming. You know that I have been depressed and suicidal before, but I do not think you know how truly awful being alive is for me. I did my best to try and be happy, I did my best to try and distract myself. But being constantly angry, and anxious, and sad and depressed, is fucking awful. And the worst part is that everyone thinks it can be cured, or that it just goes away when they are tired of hearing about it. I have to live with this shit for the next what, 40-50 years. Yeah, no thanks, I would rather cut my losses and leave. And do not start with the,"" Oh but there is so much to live for!"" WHAT. Tell me EXACTLY what there is to live for. Getting a girlfriend? A nice house? Kids? Fuck off. The last thing I want is for more people to suffer. Suicide note",Suicidal +22744,"How can I stop relying on my close friends for emotional support? They are growing tired of me, and I feel like I am losing them.I overdosed on pills yesterday and was sent to hospital. I wanted to die. These people, some of my closest friends, deserve far better than me. They have their own demons to deal with and I just hold them back.Its my fault. I want to change. Really, I do. But I have no self-esteem. No confidence or the ability to tend to my own emotional needs. I want to feel loved, but we all have our shit to deal with, and there is only so much a person can give before the relationship withers away. I have been a terrible friend. Why did not those pills kill me? I should have died. At least, that way, I will not be a burden anymore. How to be stronger?",Suicidal +22745,I cannot do anything right. I keep doing what I believe is the right thing to do and it ALWAYS is the wrong thing. Why try and do anything why even be a live if everything I do is wrong... I wish I did not exist... I am tired of trying... I cannot live with another people because as soon I get criticise my mind goes back to I cannot do anything right. I want help but I do not know what would even help at this point in my stupid pointless life. Maybe I should just kill myself... I cannot do anything right,Depression +22746,"that is what I kept telling myself. I was backstabbed by everyone I knew. I was violently accused of shit I did not do. I cried myself to sleep every single night. I slept 4 hours every few days at the most. I tied that noose. I wanted to drive my car into a light pole. I forced myself to stop driving. I gained 30 pounds. I lost everything. I did not want to deal with it. 6 months later here I am. I was legally cleared of all allegations and accusations. I got on anti depressants. I started working out. Now I am at an all time high. I have never been more proud. For all of you who are struggling, keep fighting. It sucks. It fucking sucks so bad. But I am so fucking proud of you. So fucking proud. you are stronger than anyone I have ever known. You keep fucking fighting and you keep bringing yourself up. I hit rock bottom but I am slowly getting out of that hell hole, you can do it. just kill yourself. You are not worth shit. You have no friends. You have nothing. Just fucking end it all.",Depression +22747,Someone put a death hex or something on me please Trapped in my suffering,Suicidal +22748,"I am 22 years old and male. I have a few days where I feel normal and have no bad thoughts or anything that bothers me, then out of nowhere some random day I will get into a super depressive state, suicidal thoughts, impulses, lower energy and just persistent negative thoughts. Then randomly some day I will come out and feel completely normal and happy. Its super annoying. Any help? Is this bipolar depression?",Depression +22749,"I had the courage to get a gun and just shoot myself. I feel like my life is pointless. What is the point of school, family, work, and other parts of life if we all die eventually? When we die what we did or do is pointless. I would not suffer as much if I was dead. I hope I die in my sleep. I wish",Suicidal +22750,I have a friend who is currently losing a lot of friends within her life and is in a bad emotional state. We were planning on dating but decided its best for us to stay as friends. She has depression and takes medication for it but I do not have depression. I thought it might be best to leave her alone for a little bit. I do not fully understand depression so I am not sure what to do. We just started being friends like 3 weeks ago What should I do?,Depression +22751,"I confided in my husband that I feel trapped in my existence, and that I think everyone except my son would be better off without me but he needs me so I am here. My husband then started yelling and cussing at me, screaming at me to man up and grow some balls and yelled repeatedly to me to leave him and go away and called me fucking pathetic. I cannot even describe how alone and depressed I am and how much worse that made things and reinforced all my beliefs about my useless sad existence. I confided in my husband and it made things even worse",Depression +22752,"Summer is like hell for me. Finished university so now I do not have anything to get distraction from. I am alone with my mind. If I play video games, watch series, read something, or anything, my mind tells me that I should not be enjoying it, that I do not deserve it, that I should feel miserable, and that I should disappear. Just venting here. It does not go away",Depression +22753,"I am so tired of everything, I have not seen a psychologist or a psychiatric in months (they never call me back but oh well), I hate the fact that my psychologist sent me to a psych ward again two months ago. I have given up on getting better honestly. I am not saying I am going to kill myself just yet, but it would not be the first (or second, or third, or fourth...) time I have tried to. I do not care if MAYBE things get better, I just do not know how long I can hold on. I have got my bf and my best friend (and only friend tbh) who are supporting as best as they can, but it is so hard. I cannot keep having these damn hallucinations and voices CONSTANTLY but whenever I tell my psychologist, she just tells me it is part of my anxiety and depression. From what I mentioned on an ALT account a while back, people seem to think that Schizophrenia is the most likely thing. I have pretty much lost touch with reality, I genuinely do not know what is real and what is fake anymore. All my meds are useless and I always feel like trash. I just wish I was not born, or I was born normal like everyone says. My dad hates me, my mum does not understand me and my sister just tells me to off myself already and stop wasting everyone is time. I am starting to see that that is my only option. Why so I have to keep suffering? Why cannot I just die already? But no, I cannot. I have to act like everything is okay, like I am fine. I can find comfort in my bf and best friend, my favorite videogames, horror movies, musicals and drawings. they are literally the only things I can 'feel good around'. And to quote the perfect line for my feelings: ""there is nothing for me here. I am alone, forsaken, invisible.""-Lydia Deetz. I mean, if I cannot even stop crying, how can I stop myself from dying? I will shut up now, so if you actually read all of this silly rant, thank you. I do not really have much to give, but I can make you a little drawing if you would like. I imagine you are going through a lot too, and I hope things get better. I will not lie to you, I cannot guarantee it, but I am here if you just want someone to listen. Take care of yourselves, I appreciate you<3 A stupid rant about some stuff",Suicidal +22754,"I am constantly in a state of existential dread. I feel like I am going to die or the earth will first do nothing matters. It makes it hard to find desire for anything because it all seems pointless. It does not help that I am terrified of dying, its not that I want to die, I just wish I was never alive. Does anyone struggle with existential dread daily? I feel like it takes over all my thoughts all the time Existential Dread",Depression +22755,"i do not know what could be lying after death. it could be being reborn, it could be heaven or hell, it could be a deep, dark void. i do not want to care about it, but i do. i just want to end it all, but I am afraid of what could happen next. i do not care if i get eternal torture, i do not care if its a deep void, i just want an escape. just thinking about death is so weird and interesting to me, though. where does our conciousness go? what happens to our thoughts and experiences? is there anything at all after death? if god exists, will i be forgiven for all my sins? i do not know an answer to any of these, but i want to know. its a form of curiosity, but also a form of wanting an escape. what if the world after is better? will i still enjoy life when everythings perfect? will not it just get tiring? as i write this, i slowly feel less and less like i want to die, and more like maybe i have to do what i can with my life, and work hard, then i can do what i dream of. i do not want help anymore, i just want to die, but am too afraid to do so.",Depression +22756,"Hello Reddit, it is a depressing Friday night once again.I just feel like I will not ever find a person right for me. Just because I am weird / different to most, if not all the people I have met. I feel like no one will ever get me. So I do a lot of things that people (at least in my age) would not dare to do. I have a (or so do others say) weird mentality, approach to life, apparently I am a 'free spirit' or whatever. For example, I never cared to conform to any stupid social norms I did not get.Like for example, I never got why people (over here) only apply to schools in their own country. So I applied to universities thousands of kilometres abroad. Or why does everybody think the country they are born in is the 'best' country? I want to see the world and decide for myself what is the best place to live. And I will then live there. Same goes for many other areas of life, like I seem to be the only one ever to find social media mostly useless.Back to the point, sorry: Most people are 'impressed' by this and they say stuff like ""Woah, impressive, I could never!"" but I never actually met someone who would say ""Woah, impressive, hell yes I am in!!"". It just feels very alone and depressing. I am the kind of person who can get a lot of purpose out of another person and I just feel like I will not ever have that. I always wanted to be 'stupid', like my brain not to work so I could just be happy and not think about anything. I wish I was dumb af so I could just fall in love with anybody without worrying about whether we have a real connection. But I just cannot. I feel like no one will ever get me. I feel like I will always have to be alone because I am just too weird for people. Fucking depressing. I feel like I am never going to find a person right for me",Depression +22757,"I have been depressed since I was 10. I am 29 now. I do not remember feeling happy ever. I have felt joy for short periods, but for as long as I remember I have just wished I did not exist. For years I have dreamed and toyed with the idea of ending it, but it has never been an option because it would hurt my family. But now thinking rationally why am I supposed to suffer with this faulty mind? If I feel I would be better of gone then why would not the people that care about me be happy that I was able to set my self free from my mind?When I was younger I still had something to wait for which maybe got me going on minimal effort. ""I will just see if finishing school improves things just a little."", ""Maybe I will be happier when I get my drivers license because I have wanted to drive for years"". Well after ""achieving"" these things I always returned back to suffering quickly.I now have everything I have ever dreamed for and more. I had friends. I have a caring family.. I have all material things I want and need. I accidentally had a relationship that ended a month ago. I had given up on women long ago because I was sure I would just bring pain to someone that got close to me. A really good girl just happened to fall for me and I went with the flow. Not surprisingly it ended quickly and the girl got hurt. I spiraled lower than ever and maybe it is time for me to be objective and understand that I am not fit for life or this society.there is just no purpose in my life. There never has been and objectively why would there ever be. I do make profit for the company I work for and the government does get some tax out of me. Am I obligated to keep on living because of this? I do not think so. Maybe it would be time to finally be rational, see the bigger picture and just end things.",Depression +22758,In few hours Tonight,Suicidal +22759,"I was told to find my ultimate aim of life. I have not been able to do it, but I wonder what others ultimate aim of life is. What is your ultimate aim of life?",Depression +22760,I know were all fighting different battles right now i just wanted to say please keep fighting.. everyday is hard for me and I am pushing through WE are still here ! better days to come god speed everyone everyone,Depression +22761,"No offence to whoever says or believes this but I find this really upsetting, triggering and just some overall bullshit thing to say to someone I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I am UNGRATEFUL FOR BEING DEPRESSED because A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD LOVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE HEALTHY AS I AM RIGHT NOW",Depression +22762,"Todays society truly sucks. Covid has infiltrated most of our current society, as well as climate change. We are ruining this planet and smashing it to pieces. Societally we are on the decline. People are getting less jobs, having less friends, less relationships, etc.I am sick of it and it makes me want to go back in time to another era Todays society sucks",Depression +22763,"I have struggled with this shit my whole life but sometimes is just too much man. I am usually in a state where I am functional and can tolerate life, but sometimes the pain is too much I just want to rip my heart out of my chest. I will have to work in the worst place I could ever imagine. I am finishing college and it seems like I just waste my time and money cuz I just ended in the worst scenario for me. More depressed than I ever been more tired than I ever been.People is always with fucking motivational bullshit telling me to be greatful for what I have and the fucking opportunity to be exploited in a shitty company. I can feel this shit possess me and go through my chest",Depression +22764,"I get the whole in sickness and health thing but when is enough, enough? My husband and I both are dealing with mental health issues its been a very stressful time for us. I have seeked out help to talk to someone but he refuses. Although we both have this issueI do not particularly pin it on him or do things that would disrespect him or our relationship. Him on the other handis depressed and antsy and feels like hes not far enough in life as he wants to be suddenly so he leaves the house and does not come home and does not answer his phone. Hes done that probably 10 times in the last month and a half. He knew the very FIRST time he did it that I was very upset and that its something I do not like. He continued though and claims its because of his mental health. So at this point its like would I be wrong for wanting to get my own place and be away from and let him fix his issues on his own? Or should I stay because hes going through something even though what hes doing is making my own mental health decline even more? Thank you in advance for any advice. I need advice",Depression +22765,Alright have it all next to me love you bye Coutnig down,Suicidal +22766,"was reminded about how we do not actually talk about having mental health issues, or any sort of traumatic history. no, whoops... we can talk about how we are *so in support of mental health awareness* and ladeeda, but people are just going to leave you hanging by a thread if you do your best to reach out and actually say you are struggling. my bad. posted about re-experiencing trauma on social media",Suicidal +22767,Someone just watch over my dog please I think todays the day I might do it,Suicidal +22768,"I should not have gone to my friend's place because now my night is ruined with my mom having to scold at me for not thinking because my friend bought pizzas for me and 3 other friends(I will pay him back for the pizza in two weeks). Her point was that I do not have a job and that I should think(just in general) and that I should get to it with the job-searching(which I will admit that I have been lazy with, but I shall get on with it all day later today).I have actually written something as a reminder to myself: ""STOP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT AND THINK FOR ONE SECOND! STOP BEING LAZY AND APPLY FOR JOBS!"". I wrote that and put it up on my wall just before I went to bed. I am a huuuuge piece of shit and I deserve being crapped on, honestly.",Depression +22769,"I am tired of explaining my the struggles iny fucking miserable life, so I am going to make this short and sweet. I really want to kill myself, but I cannot find the exact right moment. I was thinking next week when I go on a little holiday with my mum and brother, however, I do not want to ruin it for my family. God, why cannot a truck just run me over? I want to kill myself, but I cannot find the right time to do so",Suicidal +22770,I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS I am LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLSI'M LIVING IN YOUR WALLS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,Suicidal +22771,"I know I should just feel enough. I know that I should not depend on what other people tell me and just do not care, because everyone is different. But damn some things still stick like knives in the heart and the bit of self worth I have is so easy to break, it is pathetic. Oh those insecurities, how much I hate them",Depression +22772,"I am new here, i have BPD, Comorbid Depression and anxiety, organic dissociation. I just feel like a cocktail of fuckery right now, i hate being alone but find complete bliss. If I am alone i literally want to kill myself, but no plan, just a complete impulse. I suffer quite badly with substance abuse, I am currently sofa surfing, i have hobbies; playing guitar/singing and painting, but i feel I am no good at all for anything and i just give up, i just want to be appreciated. My first time being out on the streets i slept under a bridge in the local nature area and went to my ex partners the next day, my dad was never the nicest, he used to scare me a lot and i still have a hard time dealing with what he used to do and being lied, cheated on by multiple partners, i do not know if its too much information for you guys, i just need a friend, even though i have friends, it just feels like i cannot talk to anyone, or be good at anything, i can never be happy with anything i do or try to do. i do not know what to put",Suicidal +22773,Is it easy to get recovery? I am fairly sure I could die if I went into the psychiatric unit Can you be honest with me?,Suicidal +22774,"My friends do not seem to care when I try to tell them I do not feel good, they seem tired of me.. Does people only want to talk to people who are or look happy ? Also I always feel lonely especially at night, so I crave to talk to someone but I have nothing interesting to say so I just say ""Hi"" to people they go ""Hey!"" and then nothing and I feel even worse.. I feel lonely and I hate it. I go from hating my friend to hating myself for not being a good friend, etc. Can someone talk with me ? I cannot stand feeling lonely",Depression +22775,"My 30's have come to an awful start. I lost a 5 year relationship, I have no family left, I got about 3 friends who are doing their own thing, and I just feel so alienated and lonely anymore. I thought I had a handle on things for a while, I thought I had something to work for, and something to hang on to, but I really do not. I am delaying the inevitable, and I think honestly would be the best time to take myself out of this world. Anything I have attached myself to, or put work into has been a dismal failure. I do not see things getting much better for me. I will always have PTSD, I will always feel alienated, I will always need fucking braces to walk, I will always feel like something good that happens in my life will end in the worst possible way. I feel just alienated and done with it all.",Depression +22776,How do you continue a relationship with someone who has zero understanding of mental health issues and refuses to do any of their own research? My husband tells me this is something I choose and he often makes me feel more alone. When your partner does not understand..,Depression +22777,"Lately, I have been feeling quite restless and tired, sometimes it bugs me a lot while at other times I dismiss it and carry on throughout my day then eventually forgetting that I was sad, to begin with.I honestly feel very blessed as a person, there is a roof over my head, I have got the basic needs, I have got family and some friends that love me and I do not seem to have it as bad as the others on here so why am I feeling so tired? To be honest, there are some cracks in my life, family arguing every single day about the same thing over and over, their shouting fills my head and stops me from concentrating on my studies, that constant feeling of thinking that I am not good enough, not smart enough, my personality must terrible that is why people avoided me back in high school, that is why I have graduated from it with not a single true friend on my side, I never did well in school, my marks were not that bad it is just that no matter how hard I studied, how hard I memorized things, I have never answered any of my exams correctly, so I started not caring about it at all, not putting in any effort because even if I try really hard to achieve something I just either get frustrated or give up on it entirely.We have faced so many financial issues and other uncertainties in our lives as a family, it constantly haunted me as a teen, and now as a college student, I thought that things have gotten a bit better for a couple of months and I could finally take a breather and see the people that I care about genuinely happy but it took a turn and the fighting came back, worse than before, some of the money issues are also back, that shouting is killing me so much and I want to make them stop but they do not listen to us because we, as their children, have no authority to tell them what to do, it is disrespectful to them if we criticize them in any way so we should suck it up and watch.Honestly, my family is warm sometimes, they have never hurt us physically, they care about us and try their best to provide for us everything we want, even during our hardest times I have never felt neglected, yes they fight a lot, yes sometimes they tell us insensitive things but when they recognize that they are wrong they try their best to apologize, so why am I sad, why do I feel alone? I keep telling myself that people have it worse than me, that I should be grateful for what I have, that I should stop whining about it to myself but that feeling just will not go away.it is not like I do not feel happy, I smile a lot and enjoy the things that I do and I like being around people, it is just that ""feeling"" sometimes looms over my head making me feel alone in a room filled with people, suddenly things turn gray and I feel empty, that happens especially when they are fighting, I also started escaping that loneliness by creating an imaginary world filled with people and situations that I enjoy, I feel way happier there than here, that world is fantastical, filled with people that accept all of me, sometimes I daydream about that and sometimes it manifests into my reality, I do know it is my imagination, I even tell myself that I am crazy for casually talking to myself out loud like that and laugh it off to stop that world from consuming me, I have searched it up countless times to check if I am insane for doing this and apparently, there is nothing wrong with talking to yourself sometimes...I have thoughts about killing myself every time the situation gets stressful or worse as a way of escaping it all, but I keep backing off because I am afraid of hurting my family and of going to hell, I do not want to hurt myself, I do not feel that way, I just want to be genuinely happy for one day with my loved ones without hearing the usual shouting, I have the urge to run away so badly but I cannot do that, I do not have any money to become independent yet I still want to escape it all, then the reality of people having it worse hits me and I try to talk my self out of these ""useless"" thoughts and the cycle continues...The reason why I wrote all this is to get it off my chest, I do not have anyone to tell this to and I want to see if anyone here can relate at least a bit to me in any way just for comfort, I really want to solve those issues and I want to seek professional help but I do not have the money to do so, so I guess that I am stuck in that limbo for now... it is so weird how I suddenly start feeling alone and tired for no reason.",Depression +22778,19F. Looking for a support group for ugly people that I can join if there is one Is there a support group for ugly people?,Depression +22779,"I recently had a manic episode that led to me doing some extremely reckless and irresponsible things. I maxed out some credit cards, blew all my savings on stupid subscriptions and got back into a bad drug habit after previously quitting years ago. As a result, all the hard work that my SO and I have put in over the last year or so was thrown out the window and our relationship fell apart. After they finally called it quits and told me we were through, I ended up at the hospital where I got my bipolar diagnosis. I feel like I am waking up after a bad dream but it is slowly sinking in that it was all real. Now I am stuck living with the aftermath and I do not know how to cope. I lost my home and my partner (the best support system I ever had prior to my mania) and now I am back living with my parents as a grown adult. My ex is understandably traumatized and hurt by the whole experience. Although the bipolar diagnosis provided some answers, the whole experience has definitely left a bad taste in their mouth and it is sadly clear that we are done.How do you cope with this guilt? Knowing that I basically put a knife through the dreams we had together? Now I have to live the rest of my life on meds and various therapies and on top of that, I have lost the person I truly loved. I feel no reason to continue. Even if time will lessen the pain, I just feel as if I will never go over this. I just have this strong feeling inside of me that eventually I will just end it. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But someday. I am going to write a letter stating all the ways I messed up and how sorry I am for all of it. I need everyone to understand how ashamed I am of how it all turned out. I really have nothing left to offer the world but pain and chaos. I have disappointed my love, my family and my friends. Atleast the time we had together was fun. I have no intention of seeing the end of 2021 through. I Ruined My Life. I Have Nothing Left To Live For",Suicidal +22780,I have never felt so lonely in my life. My friends went out without me they said they would get a day that suits everyone but still went ahead. they are of course posting about it and I feel so shit. Over the last couple of weeks I have been realising just how fake they are. They posted into our group chat photos which usually is normal its easier to send them into the gc the following day so everyone has them but tonight they put them in on the same night?? They could of made another gc but no they put it in the one I am in. I thought they were trying to rub it in my face so I thought Ill act like I am not annoyed and compliment the photos but then one replied omg I feel so bad for you and I said its fine dw did you end up going to this place and one of them just left me on read so I deleted the chat. I have just never felt so lonely I really do not have anyone I have no real friends and my relationship with my family is not good so I am so alone. I just really want to die rn I am sick of being lonely,Suicidal +22781,"I am still very depressed, but it is hard to recount my deep lows. Got to a point where I would lay in bed and eat my weight. Eventually, there was no differentiation between tasks like eating, jogging, watching T.V. It became laying in bed, and the anything else is ""not laying in bed.""did not care when I was dressed or had shoes when I drove around, I just did the goal, paid the bill. It was pure apathy, I did not care where or who I was, as long as I was not dying, it was O.K.Nothing had made me upset after getting to this point. I did not care that my hair looked awful after killing it, I did not care looking bad. It was comfortable to feel nothing, no worries, so I would not ever bother to leave.But at the end of the year, I looked in the mirror. 60 L.B.s overweight, no friends, no hobbies, no aspirations. Nothing. I did not recognize myself. The entire year felt like one long day of laying in bed. Did anybody get to a point where the only things you could say were ""None of that matters anymore""",Depression +22782,I am so sick of it. I cry every week. I do not have motivation to do anything anymore. Everything that would make me happy just feels like a chore now. I do not want to live anymore. I do not want to wake up in the morning. Its just been getting worse. I have not been happy for two years I cannot stand it anymore. I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +22783,"I am 23, unemployed and living at home with my mother. me and my mum barely speak (language barrier) so I usually spend all day in isolation. This girl I was speaking to has not replied to my messages for a few weeks now, and that is makes me feel pretty shit. I try not to think about it but it is hard. I have gained loads of weight on antipsychotics and feel unlovable.there is a river near me and loads of loose bricks in our garden, so I have been thinking I might fill up my backpack with bricks and go jump in that river some time. Antipsychotics are horrible, I do not feel any emotions and sleep for around 12 hours a day. I do not feel sad really but I do not feel any joy either. I really want to leave my family home and move out to live on my own, but my entire family is worried I will end up in a psych ward again. I tried therapy late last year which was good. Helped me to shift some feelings of guilt and shame for some stuff I did when I was younger, and that is no longer causing me grief now. But I just do not feel anything anymore. I hope it is just the side effect of being on APs because I am tapering off them now. I might just hold out until they are out of my system. I hope I can lose some of the weight I have put on. I just generally feel like life is not worth living. Nothing's exciting, interesting or rewarding. Life already kind of feels like it is ended. I have finished university and now my family expects me to stay in our hometown. I do not want to do that, I want to love life like I have (fleetingly) in the past. I think about that river most nights and it seems like a pretty foolproof plan. If I do die, people will only miss the past version of me that was energetic and charismatic, not this lump I am now. I feel like a stain that will not go away. I am not good enough anymore. I used to be attractive and funny and now I am just big and slow. Death cannot come soon enough. A message to the world if I go ahead with it. Keep chasing your gut instincts and live life for you and no-one else. Believe in yourself. Life becomes easy if you do all the difficult stuff first. Normalise saying ""I love you"" more often, even to friends. Stop sometimes and really look - it is all perfect. antipsychotics rant",Suicidal +22784,Context: Me and my long time girlfriend of 4 years have been in a rough patch for about the last 1/2 year. One thing lead to another and she proposed this break for us to work on our selfs. I was caught off guard but We have done this before and we have gotten back together after. We are mutually in agreement that we will not be perusing anyone else or anything during this break so that is not what I am worried about. I am very attached to this girl like we have had plans to get married promise rings and all once we finished school. We just signed a year lease together which makes things even more complicated. We also have another Roomate who is involved on this whole lease agreement. What I am seeking help with is coping with the uncertainty. I love her more than words can express and am willing to work through whatever it takes and she knows this. This is my first long term relationship. We met at our first class in college together and have been through everything together. This is the toughest feeling in the world. I am angry at her for this proposed break but I am more than sad at the same time that things have gone this far and that she is feeling uncertain. I have to last till the end of July it looks like. Any kind words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I am depressed and sad as hell. Almost every 10 minutes leads me to crying and reminiscing over old emotional and sentimental times. Not to help I have terrible anxiety. How do I cope these next two week?,Depression +22785,it is been two weeks and I feel like therapy is just opening a huge can of worms....I thought I would feel better but this opening up... Man it is hard Why is therapy making this harder,Suicidal +22786,I feel like the more I live and experience life the more reasons I find to add to the list. Feeling more worthless as time goes on. The more I live the more I want to die,Depression +22787,"I am at work right now, I am a nanny. All i can think about is the ways i can be with my dad. I hate being alive I still want to be euthanized",Depression +22788,Loool see you all on the other sideee Bye!!!,Suicidal +22789,"I am on academical holiday from school, I am an active member of my highschool student council. From the past month the student council is training their 10 grader members (like me) to continue the 11grader periode because after the 11grader get to 12grader they cannot have any extracurricular or any organization activities. The 11grader is training us like crazy, everyday the will just gives us a task that sometimes does not contribute to how we will do the student council works in the future. Everyday they gives us those tasks even in Sunday we cannot have a break, and there happened the time when I and my friends did not sleep for 2 days straight, those task can take our time half the day and if we get evaluation(and punishment if we did some mistake even for the simplest mistake) after finishing the tasks it can finish until 10pm , I have been stressed out because of this from the past month and really make me exhausted. I often wake up with regret because of knowing there will be so many task to do, and not only that negative thoughts like ""i will get punished for not doing the task perfectly"" often make a fog in my brain and makes me cannot think clearly and worsen my stress. I became overthink because the 11grader seniors will really be mad and badmouthing us for not doing our tasks perfectly. I have been thinking of quitting the student council, but my worries are if I quit, those seniors will look down at me and our relation in school will be bad. I cannot take a good sleep for weeks now because anxiety keeps me checking what is update in my students council group chat. Again, so many negative thoughts in my mind because of that. Can someone give me a solutions or any suggestions?? Wake up and feel regret",Depression +22790,"(I am drunk sorry for my grammar)Yesterday I deleted every friend from my Phone , honestly in the past 2 years I have never talked or met them so it was to me kind of naturally to ""clean up"" my phone and so I deleted them but one saw when I unfollowed on Instagram and she is asking why . I have no idea how to respond. I had a crush on this friend and i do not want to do the ""good old have a nice life"" thing. Pls I am cannot xo this anymore I just want to be alone Abandoning my Friends",Depression +22791,I wish I was rich and could afford breast implants and liposuction on my vagina. The sight of my naked body makes me cry. I find my body so hideous that I want to die because it is the only way to escape being me since I cannot afford to fix myself. I will never be beautiful and sexy like other women.it is not about losing weight. it is about despising my most intimate body parts. I hate my body,Suicidal +22792,I do not really want to go into detail anymore or spill about my life for the 100th time lol. Just having a whack sleeping schedule plus some nightmares that I do not think I can be comfortable with sleeping anymore but if I do not sleep I will keep hearing myself talk. Fun. So fun. Will buy the tools needed so I can end it soon. Feeling empty again,Suicidal +22793,"I always feel so potently the difference between what I want and what I have. I know if I could not desire anything I would not be depressed. But that is not possible - that is what drives humans on. So even when I improve in aspects of my life, I am never content as there is always a 'better'. I can literally think back to every moment, every interaction and every relationship and think how I could have done better. Now I am depressed and I can feel relationships crumbling around me as I try to balance them with my mental health. And, of course, most people do not really care about your mental health - they care about the side of you that appeals to then (which is not you depressed). I feel like my life is drifting by and I am just a spectator and cannot affect anything. If I never wanted anything I would never be sad",Depression +22794,"A girl lived in the same apt as me that I had started talking to. The chemistry was really good except I am already head over heels over this girl. Same birthday, straightforward attitude, beautiful. My anxiety has been bad the past couple days because of this whole mess and now I am making it awkward between us. Just a klutz when it comes to these things and I am a heartbreak away from not really caring. I think I found the right one and I am falling over heels before it is even a thing. I need help. I blew it with a girl today because of my anxiety",Depression +22795,"In 2017 I moved into a house with pain in the arse neighbours. This situation was not helped by thin walls, but they would start music anywhere between 9.30pm - 10.30 and finish anytime up till 12. It would happen anytime in the week at least once a week. would not hear anything from them before that. In 2018 I was in a severe depression with this being part of the issue.In 2019 I finally got to move out and bought my own home. Anxiety was through the roof because although the new build estate is fine the area a little way up the road is rough so there was lots of worry. Everythings been fine up until last night.One of the houses next door was bought by someone who has not quite moved in. He appears for a day or 2 randomly normally. However hes been up here for a week. Last night he decided he was playing music so loud the bass was vibrating through the walls - quite a feat in a detached house. His kitchen door faces our living room wall. This went on from 3 - 9:30 at which point the other half went round there and told him to turn it off. Last night I could not get to sleep because now I am terrified of what hes going to be like when he moves up here permanently. When I did sleep it was horrific nightmares all because of the worry about the same situation occurring and the fact I would not be able to escape this time.Icing on the cake is tonight he was mowing his garden up until 10 and he keeps walking across my property to get to next door.Tl:dr - noisy neighbour triggered the memory of depression from my last noisy neighbour and I am suffering again. Neighbour has triggered serious anxiety and memories of depression",Depression +22796,So quite recently my parents got divorced and that has fucked up my mental state cos my dad used to be the happiest guy in the world but now he is not which makes me hate my mums guts and fucks me up aswell cos my dad means everything to me and seeing him like that also i randomly get sad and block my mates out of my life for a couple of days until i feel decent again but i cannot keep doing this shit its wrecking me inside and i know one day imma do somet about it but dk how people will react Life,Depression +22797,"I am 17M, I feel so fucking bad, everyday that goes through I feel insane, like I am going crazy, I just worse everyday, and it is always the same, my problems keep consuming me, my anxiety is killing me almost litteraly (I had some serious problems in my stomach, half of the fault is because of the anxiety). I hate the way I look, the way I think, how I behave, I also feel so invalid, everything in my life works, I have a gf, friends that care about me family that would do anything for me, but I do not know why every time I lay in my bad, I can only think about how I kill myself, I feel so alone, even though I am surrounded with love, in my head nothing matters. So now I have everything planned, I wrote everything that I need to do, started working on the letters to relief the guilty of the ones arround me, I will take some more time to think things thorugh, but the way things are going I do not think I will have a future. I have decided, I will end my life",Depression +22798,"I have no clue what to do, my best friend is dating an idiot and she ignores me every day of the week. She says she is going through something right now but says she cannot tell me what it is until she is ready , I cannot hold onto the thought of her getting hurt and I do not know why she is dating this guy ,its breaking me . I like her and did not tell her and now i feel like shit . What should I do , I feel lonely all the time and I am suicidal . Not just because of this but it adds to my mental health My best friend is dating an idiot, used to bully me.",Depression +22799,"I do not know if this is the right sub to post or if anyone is going to read this, but I just felt like I needed to write my thoughts out as I have got nobody to talk to. This week has been pretty tough, I have lost my best friend, love and I failed my exams. Today I stood on a bridge and thought about jumping down ending my suffering for good, but I did not. I talked to my mother about how I felt and hugged her for the first time in years. It felt good hugging someone after such a long time and opening up about my feeling. I realised that I need help and I am going to seek therapy as soon as possible. Today I did not do it",Suicidal +22800,"did not even get to see my doctor ON MY APPOINTMENT TIME LMAO!! asked to reschedule and next opening is another 11 days out after waiting 2weeks just to get in.... simply put I am fucked Just tried ""free health care"" through medicaid and it was a complete joke",Depression +22801,"Hi. I do not know what I want from this post maybe just someone to just type something in the comments. I do not know how much more I can take. The last thing I loved in life was sleep but my body will not give me any. I can hear my pulse in my ear, I have restless legs syndrome, it is too hot and my brain is overthinking. I just want silence. There is too much in this world that I cannot handle anymore. I have been too hurt. I just want to sleep. I do not know what is on the other side, but I think I am going insane if I keep on going this way. I am not planning on leaving this world in the near future but I know how I will do it when the time comes. The worst thing is that were having summer holidays right now, and I know that I cannot go back to school so I have to do it before school starts again. Peace out I do not know how much more I can take",Suicidal +22802,"So today marks the day I went from being twenty-three to being six all over again. I am a child of divorce and an older sibling, I have had separation anxiety and trauma from abandonment (my parents separated and my mom had to move countries). So today my brother, who I have never been away from for longer than two weeks moved countries to my mom's. I stayed behind with my dad and should be moving in a year or so...The thing is this happened very quickly, and I did not expect to react this way, I feel extremely sad, lonely and depressed. ( I have depression and anxiety and take meds for this.) I feel like a child, I tried using what my therapist said about explaining this to my inner child, but I cannot seem to understand it? I have never been separated from anyone like this other than my mom, I have never gone through any breakups or anything like that so this is the very first time I have separated from someone for an extended period of time. We are very close, we have always been there for each other through the ugly divorce (he was a baby), the separation, the bad things, and of course the good stuff. I have basically helped to raise him too, so I feel like this is taking a little bit of my personality from me haha.I kind of feel like screaming, quitting my job, running away to a mountain, and just pretty much questioning every single life decision of my life. I feel so extremely lonely and it does not really help the fact that I am literally alone at this moment. I kind of feel as if I am in another dimension, or like another reality, I do not know. cannot really talk to friends since I am the mentally ill, sad backstory one and they just would not understand. I also cannot get with my psych until next week. So any tips? I do not even know how to call this, is this mourning? empty nest syndrome or am I just insane...Thanks for reading and sending you all the best in the world Feeling myself spinning out from a triggering event, not sure what to do or how to cope...",Depression +22803,"My dad beats me every single day. If I do one little thing wrong, like not take out the garbage, he hits me with either something he has in his hand, like a phone, or just his hands. How can I help myself? I know I should not say this, but recently, I have secretly using a pin to cut myself. I seriously need help, can anybody give me suggestions please. I hate my life",Depression +22804,"After 2 months of weaning of off Effexor, the last 2 weeks have been 0 mg. Brain zaps, mood swings. nightmares. And now the irritablility, anger and constant negative thoughts have returned which is why I got on SSRI's in the first place, to be able to function in the public square. I am going to try **Microdosing in a few days.** I also think I am a 51 year old misdiagnosed ASD so that explains a lot of anger and depression. I do not drink so there is that. I have weaned off of Effexor for the past 2 months. Holy crap this sucks.",Depression +22805,"I generally would not do this but I am at my breaking point, it would take me forever to gather a list of shit I have been through, from being sexually assaulted by my father when I was 4-6 to foster care, home after home until I was 11 and finding my mom dead at 15 and so so much more I do not think I can take this life anymore there is nothing good out there for me. Not to mention I have BPD and C-ptsd which make my life a living hell on a daily basis. I also recently had an incident where I found out my only friend since 6th grade was saying things like he hopes I kill myself and I am fucked up garbage from being abused and I should have been aborted all because I needed to take a step back from him because he was not treating me well. I have no one not one person would even know I was dead and every time I picture my funeral no one is there because I genuinely am all alone, anytime I try to make friends people cannot handle my emotions or they think I am weird I get left on read or ignored by the few people I do know. I do not think this world was meant for me I do not think it will ever be my turn to be happy, the only thing keeping me here is my dog I am done",Suicidal +22806,it was crazy. i felt good. i felt ok. but now I am home. and its all come back. and i still just want to be dead. why cannot i get better got out of the mental hospital today,Suicidal +22807,"Nothing in life makes me happy anymore. I am tired of being ugly, single, and depressed. I have been unemployed for several months. I have tried getting better but it is honestly a lost because. The only thing that truly brings me happiness is the thought of being dead and not existing. I do not even know why the fuck I am posting this. I am not looking for help or advice. Why did I have to be cursed like this? I do not believe in a God but if somehow he is real I am going to grill his ass for making me like this. Suicide is what I look forward to most",Suicidal +22808,"This week, I feel light as fuck. Less worries. More enthusiasm. I was able to shift my thinking and step away from the dark side. I am thinking that I can off myself but the world will still go round and round, it will move on. And Ill just be a memory..until forgotten. So I might just enjoy what life has to offer! I refuse to let depression win this time. I am grateful mine is not severe. I am just so thankful that I did not do it. I am happy to be here. This week, something happened to me",Suicidal +22809,"i remember on another throwaway account i had on here, i was at a really low point. I am 17 so maybe this is normal for my age, but i felt no hope, and i felt no sort of empathy or compassion for other people. i was so angry and hopeless every single day and i could be aggressive to other people, and that showed in my reddit posts as well.one day when i was planning to kill myself, i made a post, someone gave me an award. i guess that is kind of inappropriate for the situation but whatever. but then i open up the notification for the award and i get this anonymous person telling me to kill myself already and to stop being ""an attention seeking little bitch"".i remember that it hurt me pretty badly, and it still hurts when i really think about it, knowing that someone out there paid money in order to encourage me to kill myself. am i really that bad of a person? have i really fucked up that badly in life? and is it deserved? sometimes i still feel like i should listen to that advice. i worry sometimes that if i do not act on my suicidal ideations I am just looking for sympathy and attention, and that just motivates me to hurt myself more and more, and i just end up digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole thatnever breaks even. when i tell people that i have the urge to hurt myself, i always end up doing what i alluded to because i feel like the other option is to worry them for no reason. and if i tell people i want to kill myself, i always try to bring myself to do it even though it always scares me. does anyone on this sub feel the same way i do? someone gave me an award on here and told me to kill myself",Suicidal +22810,"I have all the above mentioned symptoms for past 8 years since i have this problem. I can no longer understand books or comprehend them. I can no longer watch movies cuz its very difficult to absorb the content and quickly follow the plot, even with subtitles i miss many things. And my memory is very poor, i would walk into a room thinking of some work and after reaching there forget why i came there. Can depression affect our brains like this? Does it makes us really mentally retarded or demented like old people are. Any meds that can help with these symptoms? Any experiences? Thanks Difficulty thinking, comprehending, understanding, remembering.",Depression +22811,"Here is the thing about having an abscess: The pain is blinding. it is horrible. Apparently, I am told, it can kill you.So I call the Urgent Care, to ask for anti-biotics so I do not die.And there is the dilemma: They assume that you are a drug addict seeking opiates. So you get nothing. If you say, ""I do not want opiates, I want anti-biotics so I do not die,"" they assume *your abscess is not bad and you can wait.* Because if you had a bad abscess, you would be asking for painkillers. So if I ask for painkillers for my abscess, I get nothing. And if I ask for anti-biotics, it must not be real, so I get nothing.The message: FUCK OFF AND DIE, and THEN we will write you a prescription. we will write a prescription for your corpse. Prove it by dying. Because not errantly giving a painkiller prescription to a junkie *is more important than your fucking life.*That alone is a reason to kill yourself. No one cares about anyone. I am Human Garbage and I deserve to die",Suicidal +22812,"I break everything I touch. Literally. I have broken two laptops, a brand new monitor, and a brand new iphone THIS WEEK. I am being careful as I can. I just cannot be careful. Its like being unable to wake up from a bad dream I do not Know What To Do.",Suicidal +22813,"Understand that I am not seeking attention.Understand when I say that I am in pain.Understand when I say that I am not feeling well.Understand that my mental illness is real. And that it is eating me up from the inside.Understand that you can not help me by criticizing my actions.Understand that I need you to say that you are there and that it will be okay. And that is all.do not make fun of me. do not make jokes about my mental illness. Not even the most subtle ones.Understand me. Especially when I try REALLY hard to explain.I do not expect you to understand what is in my mind without me speaking a word about it. I do not believe in fairytale love stories. do not cook for me, do not buy me gifts, do not give me surprises. do not try to make me smile all the time. But.. Give me my freedom. do not patronize me. do not think you know me better than I know myself. do not think you always know what is better for me than I know what is. I know you mean well and that you love me. But.. You lack respect. You lack the humility. You are in denial. You make me hate you and you make me hate myself all the more everyday!And that is why it would probably never work out between us.And that is why I might finally make that jump. I wish she knew.",Suicidal +22814,"When it really hits me, it is like a pile of bricks coming at me and I am emotionally weighed. I feel so ill but I cannot really do anything about it. I am sick but not physically sick, I am emotionally sick. I feel like I cannot really even tell someone how I feel as I have never really told anyone. I just feel so horrible I do not even have words to explain....I am a mess I absolutely hate being depressed",Depression +22815,"I want your opinion. To start I am a male, 19 and I see no way out other than suicide. I have a daughter. Me and her mum (19) are still together but barely. Our relationship is not going to last, idk what she wants from me. I feel like she tricked me into having a kid and now slowly pushes me away until I give up trying to have a relationship and leave. I want to be in my daughter's life and, call me stupid, but I want the relationship to work and to be a family. But I feel she does not want it. I cannot even talk to her. I feel like she will force me into a marriage. I do not see a way out that will hurt my daughter less. she is too young to remember me. she will be looked after by her mother, she is financially stable if you are wondering. Her grandad is in the picture so she will have a father figure as well. What I want your opinion on is: Will she forgive me if I kill myself? Will she understand the justification for my actions? I feel like a slave. All I want is a happy family but she does not want me anymore. She took my daughter and she will make me pay child support, she will get the custody, I will work myself to death unhappy and alone. Ik my daughter will be fine but what will she think of me if I leave? Will she forgive me?",Suicidal +22816,I have tried everything. I am hopeless. I have to take care of a few things. I have to get through another week or two until I can be alone. But I am done. I am so fucking tiredI do not want to live anymore. I am ready,Suicidal +22817,"I hate how I am such an envious person. When I see people talk about losing weight on here and feeling happy, I get mad because I have never been able to achieve that. I feel stuck and miserable Jealous",Depression +22818,"Hi, so I have this friend, me and her are extremely close. She also suffers with depression and I have been there and dropped everything when she has those depressive episodes and I have always supported her and tried to help her the best I could. Last night I crashed and had one of these episodes where I felt really low and suicidal, I ended up ignoring everyone and just sat there by myself, she messaged me a few times asking me if I was okay and I did not respond until today because I just felt so low and I just could not. I told her I crashed and that I am fine and she did not seem too fussed or bothered by it but then I am just texting her normally as I would and she asks me if I have got a problem because I must of been texting unenthusiasticly because of what happened and now she is ignoring me on purpose and talking to someone else, it just makes me feel like shit because I am always supportive and always caring about her but then she is just ignoring me and she has not offered to call me or asked me if I want to do anything she just asked me if I was okay and I feel like that is just the bare minimum, I feel like shit and this has just made me feel so much worse and I do not know what to do, what do I say to her to let her know I feel like this without coming across as an assholeThanks in advance Am I an asshole expecting help?",Depression +22819,"Everyday I wake up depressed unmotivated,struggle to get myself out of bed I feel emotionally numb inside, I tell my family all the time I am depressed or I am going to kill myself soon I should just do it already. I am stuck in a limerence cycle I got stuck on one girl for a year and the newest girl we went on 2 dates they went great but somehow managed to get friendzoned and then acted like r/niceguys and had a mental breakdown I do not know what is wrong with me My will to live is very very slim.I am convinced I am fat and ugly and at this point I am just used to feeling like shit. It does not matter talking about this anymore My family does not care",Suicidal +22820,"My suicidal tendencies started when I became obsessed with something terrible that I thought I could just forget about in a matter of days but it kept on getting worse to the point where it gave me crippling depression, made my job difficult, and took out any sense of joy in my life where I could not enjoy something as simple as eating. One day I caused a car accident that almost took someone is life because I was so depressed. I masturbate everyday when I get home from work and before I go to bed just so I can pass put and not think about the because of my depression and juat have peace, I did not want to try drugs or alcohol because I do not trust myself to not get addicted to those. It kept getting worse and worse to the point where I tried to commit suicide by sleeping with a large sharp knife between my neck and pillow with the blade touching my neck just so the fear of dying would take my mind off of my obsession but I only managed to wake up with blood soaked on my pillow. All I want is to be happy again and focus on what really matters but it is so hard I want to have the will to live again",Suicidal +22821,"You know its getting bad again when thinking about ending your life feels more peaceful and comfortable. Like you kind of want to know what happens after death, like all the worries would wash away and not scary and distressing.After 5 years i think I am ready to end it all. I know I am only 16 years old, but i think this is enough for me. When it gets bad",Suicidal +22822,"So I wanted to know something, I can recognize m parents steps, meaning I know who is going to come into my room, the way their keys sound, and even the sound my dad's car makes, could this be related to something or is it normal?My relationship with my dad is quite neutral as he never was the dad he was supposed to be and still is not, every time he calls me this anxious feeling takes over, it ends up being something stupid but yeah.Even when my mom found out I used to cut myself and she told him, he did not even ask anything nor talked to me about it, even joked about it a few months later.(Sorry if this is not related to suicide but I did not know where to post this) What does this mean?",Suicidal +22823,"I wanted to suicide but I made a promise to a friend that I would not, but now I do not know if it even matters to them anymore, I broke so many promises before and I did not want to make the same mistake again. But I cannot keep living, I tried giving myself some time thinking that it would change and that I would want to live but nothing has changed really I still want to die I made a promise.",Suicidal +22824,"I am 20 and honestly my life is worthless I have potential to do anything I want I am athletic I am smart, tall and ect who cares. I just want to know what are some relatively painless way to go about committing? I do not want you guys to say seek help n shit like that Bc I am not going to. Just give me some answers plz and thank you. Also Ill cashapp someone who gives me the best answer does not matter how much you want I have money what is the best way to kill yourself?",Depression +22825,"For years I have been struggling with constantly feeling sad and never feeling like enough. I have never reached out for any help but I have talked to close friends and my bf about these feelings. Before the pandemic I was feeling slightly better, but something else replaced the constant sadness I used to feel. Now I feel like I am never doing enough; not quite sad but just empty. This summer I have been feeling extremely lazy. I have so much free time I must be using it to find a way to make money. My bf started a new job, all of my friends are employed full time. But me? I am sitting doing nothing. Everyday feels like time wasted. I have talked to my bf about these feelings and he says its ok for me to relax, that its healthy. But I cannot help feeling lazy! I have so many ideas yet I can hardly wake up before noon. Summer is honestly the worst time of year for me. Summer makes me lazy",Depression +22826,"I (f21) want to die. I have nothing to live for. Is this it? To work 24/7 til I retire and then what? I have no real purpose in life, no interests, no goals no nothing. I feel like I am going to kill myself very soon. I just have to find the right method and then all my pain will go away. The only thing keeping me here is that I am afraid of the pain and that the afterlife will be even worse. Help please. What now?",Depression +22827,"I am happiest when I am working, but when I am home and do not have anything to distract me, everything comes back. My sadness, my fear, my anxiety and self doubt. I could watch a movie, but then I feel useless and lazy. I could clean my room or my car, but as soon as I start I lose interest or become overwhelmed. I could read a book but I eventually get tired of that. I could serf the internet but that makes my anxiety shoot through the roof. I do not have anything I could be doing other than hobbies, games, tv, or books. I end up just sitting there almost in tears because I cannot seem to move, even though I desperately want to. I need distraction, otherwise I am left with my thoughts, and my thoughts are not kind to me. How do you deal with having time and not knowing what to do with it?",Depression +22828,"My dog is the only reason I have stayed alive for the last 7 years. he is a beautiful German Shepherd, but he is starting to slow down and he is been having some health problems. I am hopeful he will be around much longer, but I am terrified.I do not know what I will do when he passes. Every time I have worked up the courage to kill myself, the thought of my dog trying to find me and then living the rest of his life without me makes me cry and eventually I snap out of it. I am not prepared to lose him and I do not think I will ever be ready. My dog is getting old and I am terrified",Suicidal +22829,"I am 24, graduated with a bachelor's degree 3 years ago in a field I actually like, married the woman of my dreams.Last year I moved back to my country of birth. Mother works here, supports me in continuing my studies that I picked back up last year, so I can land a good job and eventually fly my wife over and start a life.But it is all falling apart before I am even able to lay the foundations.I am having a hard time keeping up with classes. I have failed most of my finals and have to do a bunch of retakes. On top of that I lack the ability to function in this society. I have no friends, no social skills.I cannot face my mother or my wife with this. I know I do not have it as bad as others but I am at the end of my wits. I have never felt so alone.I am slowly losing my mind. Every night I get more and more thoughts of just ending it all.I do not know what to do. I am not good enough",Depression +22830,"I really just want someone to listen to me and lend me a shoulder to cry on and tell me everything will be fine. that is not the case though. My own mom has 0 empathy and sympathy for me. She says she cares but tells me that I need to stop. Like what? How do I just stop? One thing is for sure though, I needed this. I needed to feel this way because I hurt the one person who cared for me. Now I understand what she went through. I hurt her. And when she left, I came to a realization that I loved her but it was too late. I just feel so down all the time. No motivation, sometime I lose appetite, I am just getting by. One day I wake up feeling extremely happy but then it fades away and I hit rock bottom all over again. I do not enjoy doing anything anymore. I want to go somewhere but I am uncomfortable everywhere I go if that makes sense? I feel like a prisoner but I am free. I cannot seem to escape these feelings Just listen, I am going through a heartbreak.",Depression +22831,"I do not have a dentist. I do not have any ""healthcare"" (I do not think anyone does, actually). I called around hoping to get a prescription for penicillin or erythromycin hoping I could get a dental appointment. Everyone assumes that people are lying and using an abscess as an excuse to try to get opiates. I am in a lot of pain. A lot. This tooth looks like the jagged top of a mountain erupting from my gums. I look like I got punched in the jaw. I need a prescription for anti-biotics. I cannot get it. They would prefer I die. And at this point I hope I do. I fucking hate all of you. You fucking selfish, greedy, fucking monsters. I wish my death could mean something. It means nothing. I am just worthless, stupid sack of human fucking garbage. I have an abscess and want to die",Suicidal +22832,"I feel sad or numb all the time. I do not enjoy anything like I used to, I do not even remember what I used to enjoy. I have no enthusiasm or imagination/ creativity and I am struggling to see this as anything but a hopeless situation. I used to have anorexia and now I feel rubbish, I have started becoming more controlling around food again. I am losing weight, I am tired all the time but I do not have any drive to change things. I feel in a hole",Depression +22833,I was prescribed Zoloft but I have read many negative reviews about it. Is it worth giving a try? can it help me? are side effects really serious and severe? Are SSRI worth giving a try?,Depression +22834,"its so difficult to try and ignore these thoughts at night, they just get worse and I have to try and distract myself to forget about them Its so hard at night",Depression +22835,"The last 2 months have been extremely bad in my life, and frankly I have talked myself out of just ending it more than a couple of times. I lost my love, my family, and I do not know how to cope. I tried meeting new people but that did not work out at all. Should I just give up? Someday I just want to swallow a whole bottle of pills. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. What should I do? Lost my willingness to love anymore",Depression +22836,"I am sure more people feel the same way I do. I am 24 (almost 25), and I have pretty much zero experience with women. Never had a girlfriend. I had my first sexual experience this past year with this girl who came onto me full force at a dinner party my friend threw in a random evening. I did not even realize she was hitting on me until she kissed me out of nowhere. The next day I went to her house and we did some stuff, but I was so incredibly nervous that it was a complete disaster. I could not enjoy the moment whatsoever, and I feel very sad about it. I am not ashamed about the sexual experience itself being a disaster, nor about the fact that it happened so late in my life, or the lack of experience in general for all these years. I do not really care for that. What I really crave is affection. I just want to be loved, to hold hands, to kiss, hug and cuddle, and subsequently, the sex will have it is role, but I do not see it as the main focus. That day I spent with that girl, although I had my first sexual experience, it was the affection and attention part that filled my void. I did not see her again since then, if you are wondering.I have spent my teens without much of a care for this, and entering on my 20's as well. Always been a loner, and on good terms with that. But now, the loneliness is starting to hit me hard, as I see my close friends in long term relationships for years with the same person, and some of them already having children, forming families, etc. I do not know man... I have been successful in my friendships, both with men and women, and I am very grateful for that. But in romantic relationships, it is the polar opposite. it is like a dark side of me that I do not want to think about, or want people to know. I am tired of being alone. I am not sexually frustrated, I am emotonally frustrated.",Depression +22837,"Hi.About a month ago I was put on a standard dose of nortriptyline. Since then I have noticed I am waking up very early and unable to get back to sleep. I am lucky if I get 6 hours, a massive change from my usual 9 or 10. I have been on a lot of antidepressants before, and none have ever had this effect on my sleep. Is this something common to antidepressants, or nortriptyline specifically? Or is this problem unrelated to the new medication? Thanks for any help/answers. I will be seeing my psychiatrist in a few weeks so will bring it up with him as well. Can antidepressants because early awakenings?",Depression +22838,"Heard this in the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It hit hard. Sending you all love + strength Depression is alienation from our needs.",Depression +22839,"For some reason this was removed, so I have to remake it. I want answers. &#x200B;I have a weird sexual preference towards cute things, that includes children, and it is more likely to be children than adults. I developed this sexual preference from puberty. it is not a choice, please never mistake psychological developments as choice, such as this one. that is a very common misconception and a weird social issue that has been arbitrarily created.This issue makes me want to have sex with children. I have done all I can to avoid that, including therapy, but I am losing hope. I desire to live, to help others, but this issue is always plaguing me. I am worried I might act on this urge some day, and that would make all life meaningless. Even though I do not care about being viewed as a hero or criminal, it still bothers me that I am technically a hypocrite because of having a desire to act on this urge. The question is, should I end my life? Should I end it before anyone is affected? Before I act on my urge? Strong desire to abuse children when I do not want to, makes my life meaningless. Should I end it?",Suicidal +22840,"But no one else would be able to replace him, so no one else can have my heart..Being on my own is killing me, but I would rather be alone than make new memories with anyone else.. Being alone sucks and hurts like hell",Depression +22841,"The career I chose is in the process of making me very rich, but also extremely depressed and overworked/overjudged to the point that I am having at least one episode a day where I want to curl up and disappear. Its a job that involves social media, fame, and the expectation of perfection. Sometimes I am not sure how much more I can handle as a human being before I break. I have not been able to make any real friends, my family was never there to begin with, my relationship was with someone who cared more about my pursuit of this than my own well-being, people respect my name but almost daily disrespect my person if that makes sense, and people are always watching what I do so I have to be so extremely careful that it almost feels like PTSD now. Most people around me want something out of me. I am also constantly comparing my body and myself to the next best thing because that is the type of industry I am in. Its mentally draining. I would not wish fame on anyone.I wanted to see if anyone out there has any advice for me? I am going to therapy but I am still having these super depressive episodes :(. I have a lot of regret of pursuing what I once loved so much because of everything I have had to sacrifice for success. Words of advice for the successful depressed?",Depression +22842,"I feel like there is something fundamentally broken with me.*Everyone* told me that after high school I would feel better. I do not think I have ever felt worse in my entire life than I do right now. I have no passions, no aspirations, I do not like doing anything and I have no idea of what to study in university/college. But I *have to* because it is not like I can get myself a decent job if I start crying everytime someone looks at me in public. Between depression and social anxiety my will to live or do anything is pretty much negative. My parents keep yelling at me because finishing high school did not magically cure me. Honestly I hate existing, I hate existing with every single fiber of my being. I feel like shit everyday and people keep telling me to ""appreciate the small things"" as if thinking that a sunset is pretty for 3 seconds will make up for the fact that I have been crying myself to sleep for the past 2 years. fuck you. I am starting to despise my parents for the sole fact that they are the reason I exist, I wish I could go back in time and prevent them from meeting or something. I hate existing so much. I have not even been through trauma or anything my brain is just broken. Everything keeps getting worse and I keep going to sleep hoping I do not wake up just to be disappointed the morning after. I am just so tired.I feel like I lack whatever people have that keeps people going. I have no motivation to do anything, not even things that could improve my situation. It does not help that my parents keep yelling at me over the fact that I am always home because they do not understand that I simply do not like going out with friends. I do not. Everytime I go out I am bored for 4 hours then go back home just to say that I was not home wasting my time.there is something wrong with me. I do not like anything of what I should like. I do not like anytthing actually, how can I keep living like this? And why? I am not suicidal but I think the only reason that I am still here is that I would feel guilty leaving my parents with the pain of losing their only daughter... and the fact that I am really afraid of death and what comes after. I cannot win. I cannot even find comfort in the thought of being dead. I hate how the more I grow up, the more responsabilities I have. I did not even want to be born in the first place and now I have to study then work until I die. I hate everything.I do not know If I am depressed because I hate existing or I hate existing because I am depressed.(Sorry if this is rambly, I am having the worst existential crisis of my life as I am typing this) (And before you ask: yes, I am seeing a therapist. No, it is not helping) Everything keeps getting worse",Depression +22843,I broke up with my ex but we remained best friends. She did not want me talking to other girls and I respected her wishes for 2 years. We hung out and did things as if we were a couple (big mistake but she wanted it). Out of no where she recently dropped me and then she told me it was because she started talking to a guy. She was my best friend and the only person I had that really cared about me. I know it hurts her as well. She had every reason to leave me and move on because I understand how bad I hurt her. I am just now realizing that I loved her so much and now she is gone. I am not sure how to move on or how to stop being depressed. Its been 2 months and its gotten better but somedays (like today) I just get super down. I have no motivation for anything. I keep telling myself that I needed this in order to realize what I was doing was wrong but what if I cannot find someone like her? She was perfect Heartbroken and confused.,Depression +22844,I am such a fucking coward and i know the only way to stop is to do some shit that i just do not want to do but I am just acting like a child over itim wrong and I am being an asshole but i just cannot stopwhy am i like this? I am a failure because i do not act on my self awareness,Suicidal +22845,"So, I am a 23 year old male who recently kicked all substances i was abusing (marijuana, nicotine, alcohol, caffeine.) its been about 3 weeks, and I do feel better than when i was self medicating with these substances, which is to say, i actually have moments where i feel good naturally. What I have noticed however, is that i always get really intense, dark thoughts and suicidal ideation around the same time each day, around 2pm ish, lasting until 5-6pm but sometimes lingering longer than that. There is no external stimulus causing this that I am aware of, it happens both on work days and off days, tho on off days i can just take a nap to avoid the intense depression. After i wake up i feel better. At work i just have to power thru and its extremely difficult.. as i work in retail and have to constantly interface with strangers. Could this just be my brain leveling out after years of artificial dopamine hits? I have yet to see a therapist due to a lot of anxiety about opening up as well as the cost, but i know its something i need to do. Just wondering if anyone here has had similar experience? Thanks Intense dark thoughts/suicidal ideation at the same time every day?",Depression +22846,"I have been enough times on the bottom to know the path out. But each time I feel more like not wanting to. I am old, there is nothing I have not tried, even plan sounds like already tried. The sad thing is that I know I will get up. And I know I will get down... This is hell, not eternal pain but just enough to almost kill you but enough peace so you can wish for more.I wonder how many tries I can do it... How to cope with not wanting to cope...",Depression +22847,"I know there is other sad people here. I feel chronically sad and was always a suicidal kid I had my fun finally turning 18 and 21 stripping making good money living my best life now I am getting older the thoughts are back constantly I feel crippled all I can do is lay in my bed and think about jt... I want it to be painless so of course I use drugs which made my sadness and worry worse, but now my tolerance is so n high I could probably snort a weeks worth of dope in 30 minutes and be fine, so I never die . I am 'm scared of withdrawal so I am scared to stop. Always sad and scared.Is there anybody who made it out of this at psychologist... with the right meds?What anti descendants or mood stabilizers work the best for you guys? I am scared of seeing the wrong people, the wrong diagnosis and the wrong medications but I need to stop crying and get out of ned Any tips",Suicidal +22848,"Years of living on survival mode? its been tough on you, no one shares your feelings or feel your pain, you are all alone, and the world is only pushing you to the edge every single day, you are tired, just want to sleep to forget, to get out of the reality that surrounds you, no matter how many times you try to take your mind off of your trauma, your agony or your numbness. The poisonous what if hunts you every moment, the why and the why me. Waking up at night, thinking if all this been a dream, this cannot happen to me, I am not where I am, takes you a minutes to realize your reality, To put yourself to sleep every night wishing not to wake up again, then you remember that one person that you do not want hurt by leaving, or the people that their existence and well-being depends on your presence. You have tried everything, you avoided everyone, maybe even forced yourself to laugh and smile to give those around you the fake sign that you are alright, You know you hurt many, close ones and strangers, just because you do not have the ability to deal with emotions or events, sometimes you think how to make it up to countless of people when you get out of this reality, dreaming of better times where you can make yourself and others safe and happy. let us stop the time, now , Cry if you can, its okay to cry, let some tears wash a little of your agony, pray if you believe in praying, there is no single path to healing , but i know healing will come, for me and for you, you will look at those days with silence, no regret, nothing but emptiness. You will find what you been struggling for without effort, Sometimes the universe like to play with us by making the path of simple things difficult when we mix our desire with fear, amplifies all the negativity into events, But that is enough for now. Just want to tell you that I am cheering for you, and we will be alright. From the heart to the heart",Depression +22849,I have extreme anxiety to the point where getting up in the morning is difficult and going outside makes my heart feel as if it is going to escape my chest. I have been depressed for probably all my life starting sometime in elementary school and as a result I lived a very isolated life. I will never be a proper functioning adult in this world,Depression +22850,"Its been a few days since July began. The time I was planning to,, do it. Iykyk. I still feel empty; I am not relieved that I did not go through with it because I feel sometimes my pain and issues are too much to bear. July is the month I turn a year older; I am now 17. Sadly. I just do not know what to do because everything is just getting bad again and knowing that I could have done it awhile back,, well.. I dunno.. I just wish I did. Well.. TW",Suicidal +22851,"I have been depressed for a long time now, it starting to feel like everything is not real. My motivation for doing stuff is completly gone now.it is starting to feel like everything I have done in life has been worthless. I do not knownif I am happy where I am going in life.How do you guy's handle this feeling of being utterly useless and depressed in life. it is reaching a breaking point for me. I am slowly feeling done with life. Handling a life that is falling apart",Depression +22852,"And everyone you know just laughs along but you are having nightmares and even though no one cares. You just keep making the same mistakes again.Is it worth carrying on. (I am drunk btw). Something I cannot stop being lately.., You know when you just keep making mistakes.",Suicidal +22853,"Depression is been really hard to deal with. I do not have a jobb anymore (even tho I have worked and I did not got paid for my jobb), I cry everytime I see a parent being nice. What should I do ? I feel lost. it is hard to cry everytime I see something about parents",Depression +22854,"Because I do not know what else to do, Reddit just seems like the place to go. I messed up with a girl whom I met earlier this year around March and just a few months ago, I went no contact for 3 weeks after we had a falling out. I tried to contact her afterwards but of course she did not respond. I saw that she unfollowed me on IG and I unfriended her on FB. I sent her one last message saying that I apologized for disappearing to which she saw but again, she did not respond.Now I am alone and I do not know what to do. I hurt her and I messed up something that was good for me because of my ego in that moment. it is what I deserve I suppose. I went no contact and I lost her. Now I am alone.",Depression +22855,"I have never been able to find much about stabbing suicide cases, those seem to be rare. Stabbing or cutting your wrist, which is more likely to work?",Suicidal +22856,"I keep having this anxious feeling/thought...Why does not everyone give up when things get hard? Why does not everyone just kill themselves? How can anyone be happy? This turns into what if I always feel like that and I never feel ""normal"" again. Has anyone ever felt like that? I need to know I am not alone because these thoughts are scary and I just want to feel happy again. Anyone else?",Depression +22857,"I just cannot do this anymore. I cannot live like this. I do not necessarily want to, but I cannot deal with the pain of living anymore. For what, anyway? Am I just supposed to continue bearing this much horror so that my family, who make it so miserable, do not have to cry for a few days before they add it to their sad sad story of having a mentally ill family member?Like I said, I do not necessarily want to. But I cannot live like this anymore. The thought of living like this until I die naturally just seems so pointless and cruel. Not necessarily planning on it, but leaving myself the option.",Suicidal +22858,How do I keep living like this. I just so desperately want to die. Everything is so hard and I am impossibly overwhelmed constantly. Not even the good things in life cannot make me feel better anymore. Overwhelming urge to die,Depression +22859,"I am not thinking about suicide yet, but i wonder why i fuck everything up all the damn time.I always fight with my friends for the slightest thing, idk why, i just do.I feel like i will find myself without any friends if i keep going like this and i do not want that.I cannot go through that, not again. Why",Suicidal +22860,Now in addition to my depression now I believe I am also suffering from paranoia. I just feel like everyone is colluding against me. Why me????,Depression +22861,"just looking for someone to chat with, life has been really rough lately. i feel crushed. looking for support, please",Depression +22862,"She was the only one person who listen to me when i felt bad. And only one who liked me in this stupid toxic family full of retards!!! I hate them so much they are all fake and selfish! I wish they would all die finally.my granny is dead and all those fuckers stayed alive. When i need to talk,or cry out i have anybody I am alone :( sometimes i feel i will loose my mind. People say reach out, and to who? When i need anybody is there. I miss my granny",Depression +22863,"Why do some people attempt to prevent potential suicides via chats and the likes thereof? If their struggle got so bad to the point where they think of committing suicide, then, just let them do it and end all the suffering already? Also, why bring up how sad your family will be if you commit suicide? What are other individuals' emotions to someone who does not exist? Literally nothing. I am not suicidal at all but I have got some questions",Suicidal +22864,does anyone ever feel like they think of suicide every day of their life and cannot escape those thoughts? how do you get rid of suicidal tendencies? want to end it all,Depression +22865,i have been living with my lover for 3 years! she was also my best friend. recently she left... and i still sit here in the same house we shared. its so quiet. everything here reminds me of her. I am losing my mind. i have not ate in 4 days. my stomach aches so fucking bad. my head hurts 24 hours a day. I am so stressed i cannot even keep up with my daily tasksI've still been going to work. but my performance has decreased. not to mention my boss is aware so he is trying to keep me busy by making me do extra work....my money has been fucked up since she left me... now i pay all the rent. I will probably have to move back to my parents in a few months. not to mention the problems that got me into this situation in the first place. i have problems communicating my feelings. i have a drug & alcohol problem. i do not have many friends. I am losing my mind & my physical health. i do not want to hurt anyone around me but when I am home alone in our old house with no one to call. i really want to end it all. i do not know how much longer i can take of this. thank you to anyone who replies i just need to type this. i have no one,Suicidal +22866,"I try to be positive and change my thinking pattern but its so hard, I manage a few days but always relapse Impossible to change",Depression +22867,"Because every positive thought is fleeting. Sadness and resentment are forever. They fill me like a sinking ship as I dwell in them. People keep telling me to act before I think. To just do. And I think its stupid advice. Its stupid to assume that just by forcing myself to get up and do the things I have dedicated myself to doing is going to change anything. I spend hours practicing guitar and I hardly get anywhere. I learn a song and practice it for weeks only to discover I am still to anxious to play in front of my closest friends. I still do not have the muscle memory that I keep plucking painfully at the guitar to get. If I were to do instead of think, I would be dead. I would have killed myself because that is what I want to do half the time. I hate it when people give me this advice because for those neurotypicals, they do not understand the horrible things that go through my mind constantly, and all the horrible things I would have done if I just did things without thinking. For guitar it might be a little different, but I am horrified of embarassing myself, which only makes me beat myself up more when I inevitably fail due to the ironic paradox of my self-fulfilling prophesy. Mindset does not Change Anything",Depression +22868,"I did not get high today, now I just have to do it tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the.... Stupid small victory",Depression +22869,I want to say that i am new here and i hope this is the good subreddit.I did not took my antidepressants for 2 weeks and i am very close from a disaster.The thing is that i am like this for about 3 years and I have a major mental breakdown about every day. My mom is the reason why I do not want to quit today but I am close. hi guys,Suicidal +22870,"this may sound dumb, but i miss feeling sad. when i felt sad i felt more of a drive to try do something about it. now i just feel nothing, the days just go by and seem as useless as the last no matter what i end up doing. i spend all of my time trying to just get time to pass. for what i do not know i have nothing to look forward to. i then start feeling like I am just wasting my fucking time. any effort i put ends up being a reminder that i cannot enjoy anything, which makes me want to not try and the cycle continues. i used to be able to handle my sadness much better when it was more obvious that was how i was feeling, I would be creative and be more willing to fight against it to get better. nowadays its just doing whatever takes the smallest amount of effort just enough to keep me occupied. i feel like I am letting people around me down, and I am digging myself a deeper hole.i can see myself already regretting all this wasted time if i manage to get out of this, but i honestly feel like there is nothing i can do about it. wasting time",Depression +22871,"I really do not have any intention of living. I have been suffering since I was kid. My mother abandoned me and my sister and ran away with someone else. My father started drinking and our life turned into hell from heaven. He sent me to a hostel far away. I was so little it was too much for me to live in my own,,,,,the other guys were at Least 4-5 years older than me they beat me some of them even did worse things to me (I am ashamed to say). I spent 2 years in hell. Then my father Bought me back to home because I used to get ill very often (I think I did not have to explain why) and I joined highschool, it was a boys school. I was pale, weak and bullied in school. And same things happened there. They beat me, harassed me, also abused me. My school life gotten worst, I had to skip school so that I will not have to face those as*holes. My family members Said very bad things about me, even my dad that I am worst kid in the family, but no one tried to ask why I skipped school? Why I do not like to go school? 5 years I spent in another hell. Then I got admitted into college I thought my days of suffering have ended. But I do not think god wanted to let me live at ease. My father had a huge loss in business our financial condition got worst. He started drinking alcohol more and more. I have a sister she is getting spoiled, she do not listen to me. My grandma is also very sick. My father's physical condition is getting worse too. I still have not graduated yet. Also it is lockdown I had to quit my job. I am in so much stress. I used to suffer from nightmares and it has started again so I am feeling pathetic. I want to die but I cannot because of my dad and my granny, they have suffered so much but also I cannot take it anymore.........I wish I wish I could die. I wish could disappear........ I am sick of my life.......",Suicidal +22872,"I have had depression since I was 12, I am 21 now. I fear it will be a lifelong battle for me since treatment is not working. How long have you had depression?",Depression +22873,"Does anyone else self harm? I am covered in scars and I hate it. I have tried to kill myself twice in my life, once when I was 12 and the other time when I was 19 (for reference I am 21 now). Is anyone else a suicide survivor? TW!!",Depression +22874,"this is just a vent i guess because it feels better that someone out there may be listening. i feel so stressed everyday that even the thought of anything i -have- to do, like pay bills, pay for school, sign up for classes, anything, makes me feel sudden panic. i do not know how to properly express to the people around me how depressed i am or how i think about killing myself constantly because i do not want to trauma dump on anyone. I have lost so many people, whether it be to death or just leaving me, and I am just so scared of saying tje wrong thing. even if i really do need helpeveryday i just feel so bad about myself, inside and out, i feel like i will never be good enough for anyone and it rips me to pieces. yeah everyone says you just need to do this or that and you will feel better. do not get me wrong, there are days when i feel better, but there are also days where it all hits me at once and i cannot think of any other way out. i just feel like a small insignificant bug that needs to be squashed. i feel like everything i do is wrong. i do not want to do it anymore :D",Depression +22875,"Hi guys. I am 19. My family decided to go to province and we will stay there for good. I have a pet who is name is Luna and i really want to bring her since she is my buddy, my saviour whenever I am sad and she is the only one I need when i have a problem. But i do not have that much of money to bring her. Please help me. Small money will help a lot to me and to my dog. Thank you Paypal.me/lunablanca27 I am shy to do this but i really need your help guys.",Depression +22876,"I hate my job. The only person close to me, my best friend, just said that they are done with me. I do not want to be alone anymore. I do not want to feel pain anymore. I do not want to live anymore. I am in debt. My truck, which I cannot afford to fix, is falling apart. Everything in my life is terrible. Working in a grocery store the past 2 years of my life has made me hate my life further. The one light in my life, is gone. The one person who literally saved my life before, is gone. I cannot do this shit anymore. I hope death is like sleeping, because sleeping is the only thing that brings me comfort anymore. ending my life tonight.",Suicidal +22877,"Just ranting here because I feel p upset about this. long story short, my bf and I have been in a rough patch for a while, and recently we have decided to take time apart, we still talk and spend time tgt, so today when he went to work I offered to pick him up, he ignored it, and I asked him why does he keep ignoring my questions, to which he responded he was doing something at work (by this time, he already ended) and then I offered to pick him up again because it was really late, he said something unrelated, and I asked him again if he wanted a ride home, and he read it and did not reply - its been a few hours since then. Idk why whenever this happens I cannot help but feel like an idiot like I am some joke, its like 5am now and I am just up waiting for some reply I know I will not get Feel like a joke sometimes",Depression +22878,Anyone else use weed to cope? I do. It normally helps me cheer up and become more social but sometimes it makes me paranoid/anxious/depressed/insomniac Weed,Depression +22879,"The world outside that self created one is easily livable but I seem to force myself to be tied to this one, as if to harm myself on purposeI wish I were gone sometimes, just dead I can have a good day then a couple days later I want to committ suicide because my self inflicted pain is mentally and physically tormenting I live each day in a self-created world that is inhabitable",Suicidal +22880,"Despite my mom and grandma both having depression in the past, they are so rude about it all. Any time I mention I feel sad they say Why? You have a great life, you have everything. I know I am lucky but its an illness for a reason!! It does not discriminate! I told my mom today my depression is not going away, that I have tried three different antidepressants and none of them work. She told me I am being dramatic. Wtf? Just because antidepressants work for her does not mean they do for me. She has severe mental illness, me and my siblings know this already. she is a control freak, talks to herself, drinks wine every day despite having fatty liver disease, and is extremely paranoid. My mom and grandma are the ones who passed down this shitty gene to me in the first place because depression and anxiety run in their side of the family. When I told my mom I am getting tested for ADHD because I swear to god I have it, every inattentive symptom describes me, she told me I was trying to find things wrong with me. Wtf. The more I think about it the more I think she has ADHD too. Girls are underdiagnosed after all Unsupportive family",Depression +22881,"So pretty much everyone knows I am suicidal now...yay... I was surprised to get a message from my cousin saying that I could talk to her if I wanted. I am really scared. I do not really want to talk to anybody and I am trying to play all of this as a small thing so people do not worry about me. We have a good friendship and I do not want to ruin that, also she has problems as well (she is not suicidal I do not think but has other problems). I do not really know what to do, I am worried that if I just ignore it then next time I see her will be really awkward. What can I do? My cousin reached out to me and I am scared, I do not know what to do",Suicidal +22882,"I cannot see my kids. I do not want to miss out on them growing up. I do not want to live knowing they are developing personalities that I cannot see blossom. I do not want to live knowing I am missing birthdays and first days of schools. I do not want to live knowing I cannot teach them things, cannot comfort them when they are hurt or scared. I wanted to teach them everything I was not taught.I have everything packed in storage, labelled up what is for the tip, what is to go to charity and a few things that maybe the kids will get one day if they want them. Mainly pictures of us all.I do not need convincing everything will be ok. I do not need talking to. I do not need help. I wanted to really just write this in the hope it would make me have clarity and change my mind. It has not.For anyone still reading at this point, I really hope you have a better life than I had. A lot of this world is beautiful and should be seen and taken in, I saw snippets of it. No kids, no life",Suicidal +22883,"Hey...28 Year Old Male here..I just feel so tired and confused. 13 Years with Major Depression and it is basically sapped my energy away to the point of never having 1 day where I do not feel tired. Constantly laying in bed, trying to get out of it only to fall right back into it.. Insomnia and Excessive Sleepiness haunt my life..At work, it is not any better...I do a Laborious Job and constantly feeling drained of energy while on the job makes me feel like I am not enough despite there being older people than me there who do not really feel tired...I have a constant feeling of disassociation, feeling like I do not belong in my own body...like my mind has been only added to it...I constantly see shadows or things that are not there and it is driving me insane sometimes..I constantly forget things when it is just been told to me and I hate it! I feel so..stupid for not remembering anything...I try so hard to remember what I just forgot, but it never comes back...I cannot even remember special things unless it is in writing...I feel like I am combatting myself.. Like I have two different personalities mixed into one. My personality before depression when I was a Teenager as a Freshman in High School and after depression hit... there is the Empathetic, Helpful, Patient side and then there is the Depressive Side where I am prone to being numb, very irritated, easy to anger, and just plain not caring about myself. it is...making me feel so...disconnected.I feel so bad when I get very irritated and mad at my Mom for not understanding my depression and just needing help on the same things I tell her about...she is forgetful sometimes and she needs time to understand...it is not her fault...I feel like a bad son sometimes...Then there is the heavy guilt and anxiety...I feel like I cannot control it even with the Medication I am taking...I feel like such a mess that nobody should be bothering with..All of this just makes me feel so disconnected from people...I want to be alone...but I do not at the same time... it is like my mind does not know what it wants anymore...I cannot even play MMORPGs and other genres of games I enjoy without feeling like I want to drop them as fast I got into them. it is so stressful and annoying...Even though I have a Job, a Loving Relationship of 5 Years, Family Members that I guess still care about me..I do not even care about myself. I still do not know what it means be truly happy...it never lasts..I always have to put up a Facade to avoid having to explain myself or worry people..I only recently found out what this is.. ""Smiling Depression"" I always one day hope I will not have to act like I am completely fine and stable, but everyday that hope dwindles till only nothing is left.. I feel like I should not exist. Sorry for ranting and getting how I feel off my chest...I should not be bothering anyone with this and should just suffer with it on my own... I hate myself, I do not know who I am anymore, I feel broken because I do not feel true happiness and I feel alone..",Depression +22884,"I have been having anxiety and depression since ~5 years. I somehow managed to live with it. Last year, with covid, my depression got really worse. And this year, since a few months, its even worse. I have no friends, like, absolutely no friends. No one ever send me messages to have news from me, no one gives a shit about me. I could be dead, they would not notice. I have thought about talking about it to my family but it would just worry them, and I do not want them to feel bad because of me. I also do not want them to think I am crazy, I am not, I am just desperately alone. I do not think I will ever be capable to commit suicide, but lately I have been thinking about how would people react if I was dead. Would they suddenly care about me ? For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts",Depression +22885,"My main goal is just not letting my parents to know that I am dead. I plan to fly to Brazil, burn my passport and kill myself in a remote area. In this way I guess no one could know the identity of the dead body ? And in South America, unnatural deaths take place at every moment, so should it be less likely for authorities to find out, comparing to the US or Europe ? I have been suffering from major depression for nearly 10 years and it has been nothing that I can do. I just hope that my death is going to because the least destruction to people around me. I have a detailed suicide plan. Is it feasible ?",Suicidal +22886,So today my mom told me that the family wants me out of the house because of my aggression towards people. I was pretty much made go on anti depressants if i wanted to live with them but I hated myself on them also. The final straw was when my mom and me got into an argument and she told me how my behaviour is embrassing and how i use aggression to cope with my situations is shameful and i told her to just fuck off. I tried going to counselling before and it did not work. I just do not know what to do anymore I think I have officially hit Rock bottem,Depression +22887,"For probably at least 95% of the rest of the population (not a fact) dating seems so incredibly easy but for me it just seems impossible. Try and picture seeing everyday someone has someone, when you see someone kissing their boyfriend/girlfriend when no one has ever thought of you as more than a friend.Everyday when you see couples hugging passionately and you see their love for one another, full well knowing it is likely going to be years before you find someone.For some people this is going to be a moment, but everyday it becomes a little bit harder to get on with life normally because it becomes so difficult sometimes. Like what did I ever do to not be good enough for someone, is there something wrong with me? I have never been kissed on the lips, I mean not ever in my life, I am still a virgin (not by choice), (only 18 more years until they make a documentary about me). I have tried everything dating apps etc. I have never actually tried asking girls just out of the blue or in person but would that really make a big difference?Oh god, can someone just help me ffs. It honestly eats me up inside everyday and I really do not know how much more I can take. How and why does dating seem so easy for everyone else apart from me? (22 M) (Virgin)",Depression +22888,"I am having some tantrums and i have a dog that does not respect me and is always biting me and preferring others to me and on two occasions one of which today i ended up hitting her (they were slippers actually) and another dog. I had never hit her before and she is already 3 years old, I am completely against it and I planned to never hit her in my life. I feel like a monster and I think this is just one more reason for me to kill myself I feel like a monster and I think this is just one more reason for me to kill mysel",Suicidal +22889,"Hi everyone, I have contemplated this for sometime and want to go ahead with it. I just cannot seem to find an exit bag to purchase online. Can someone point me in the right direction? Exit bag UK?",Suicidal +22890,"&#x200B;Hello guys, first of all, sorry in advance for my English, it is not my native language, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts for months now and I need some advice on my problem, any advice on what should I do to cope up with my situation would be appreciated.I come from a middle-class family from a third world country, 1.5 years ago I borrowed some savings money from my family, around $1500 because I was interested in stock markets, and wanted to earn some side money as I was doing my higher education, my parents, especially my dad was checking on updates every month on how the money was doing, he is not tech-savvy so he believes what I tell him, long story short, I was a noob and lost 45% of the money, and I could not tell him that I lost 45% since it was a huge amount for us, so I lied to him and told him that I invested the money in a bucket of stocks, and according to the current prices, the stocks I told him that I have has a value of $5000 (both bad and good luck ig), which I lied and I do not have, the 55% of the money I did not lose, I invested in index funds, he thinks I have $5000 worth of stocks, but reality is far different, and although we are financially well and he would not ask me to withdraw the fictional money he thinks I have, I am scared as shit that he would find out, I cannot tell him the truth that I lost the money 1.5 years ago, as it would break him that I lied to him, I cannot hold the lies anymore too, since every month he ask for updates, it hurts me mentally, I am having suicidal thoughts now, and I cannot take it anymore, I cannot talk about this situtation to anyone, because of guilt and shame so I am posting it here using a throwaway account, any advice on how to deal with it would be appriciated, thankyou.. Feeling suicidal, Please give me some advice",Suicidal +22891,"Trigger warning anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughtsI have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. But a few months ago I did a 6 week group therapy course and I was feeling much better. I started slimming world, I started going to the gym, I just started enjoying life again. I have to have hormone injections every month to put me through menopause at age 29 and soon I will be having surgery to remove my final ovary because of endometriosis. The last 4 weeks or so I have felt absolutely amazing, I have had a positive outlook on life, I have been going out and doing things and actually having a life. Then I realized last week that I had missed my previous hormone injection, I do not know how long for. So last week I went to the doctors and had it done, and since then the darkness has been rolling in and slowly suffocating me. And now I am terrified that when I have my surgery I will be in this dark place constantly because I will be menopausal and because of my health issues I cannot take HRT. I have pain in my chest, I am constantly fighting panic attacks, I am not bathing or even changing my clothes some days. I am trying to eat right so that I can hold on to something that has made me happy but the urge to binge eat is constant. I am fighting it but it is just so hard.I have to walk my dog once a day and I am sat here paralyzed by anxiety, not wanting to leave the house. Like there is something pinning me in place. I want to cry all the time, I am picking fights with my husband over trivial things. I just feel like I am drowning.I want to speak to my doctor about changing my medications but I am too scared to pick up the phone. Plus even if I could I sleep 12 hours a night and I often miss the chance to even make an appointment.I have been suicidal in the past when the darkness takes over and I am not there yet but I am terrified it is just around the corner. I am struggling with my mental health and do not know what to do",Depression +22892,Literally my life and cannot take it. Just waiting for high blood pressure from the stress to end me soon Trauma after trauma,Suicidal +22893,"Apologies in advance if this post is long, Ill try to have all the detail in as few words as I can.Quick background: I am about to be a junior in college, good home life, a lot of friends, very intelligent, plenty of struggles with anxiety but never anything too extreme.In September of 2020, I suffered a head injury playing pickup football with some friends. It did not feel serious at all and I was back in the game a few minutes later. The symptoms did not kick in for about 10 days.In hindsight, it was probably a mild concussion and nothing too major. However, I had no idea what I was dealing with, so I treated it probably exactly how you should not treat it. I worried about it constantly and pushed myself with school, partying, etc. there is not a lot of wiggle room when it comes to slowing down in the college life so I just continued to try to push on, which ended up being a bad idea. I was up and down with symptoms for about 6-7 weeks during this time.In late November, I suddenly crashed and everything went to shit again. All of the sudden in the course of a day I became totally dissociated and my brain fog increased tremendously. I thought it was nothing more than a symptom flair at first, but eight months later I still deal with these symptoms 24/7, and they have destroyed my life.I have done everything, seen all the doctors I thought would help, and nothing has given me any relief. I have been constantly dissociated since that time and my brain functions at a fraction of the capacity it used to. It makes life fucking terrible to live. I can still try and do things I did before, but I can never enjoy anything due to the way I constantly feel. My motivation is pretty much gone. Driving feels like a life risking activity every time I do it. School was next to impossible last semester and I am no better for this one coming up. My sleep has been horrendous since the injury and I was also recently diagnosed with Celiac disease (which I only found out thanks to the injury, so that is cool ig)The silver lining is that I think the problem here is that all the worry and anxiety has been trapped in my brain and the trauma surrounding the worrying is the issue rather than actual brain damage. I was not officially diagnosed with depression but one doctor thought that is what could be prolonging my issues. Even with this knowledge I cannot find any relief whatsoever. I really struggle to tell people this: first because its very personal, second because I struggle to share my feelings, and third because I have always been a guy to light up the room and now I have to act because I do not want to bring peoples moods down when they are around me. The people in my life know I am dealing with this but nobody knows the level of suffering I deal with mentally on a daily basis and I find it really hard to be honest about. I feel like my future is totally in jeopardy and I am very hopeless right now. I wanted to get this off my chest anonymously.",Depression +22894,"You know its getting bad when what you thought were bad, sad days are now looking better than the day you are currently in. I might need to switch counselors because I am just going in the wrong direction and nobody understands. My bad days are now considered good",Depression +22895,"I submitted a situation I had been on a few years back to that subreddit looking for unbiased opinions. I got 31 comments before i deleted it and 95% of them said i was the asshole and most of them in a really blunt and mean wayI get why they said it, in the situation i explained i did many things wrong, but i guess i just wanted someone to tell me it was okay since i was wronged tooI regret the things i did, if i could go back i would do them differently, i lost my best friends over them. I had been self-harm free for two years and that situation made me relapse just because of how incredibly stressful it was for everyoneI feel like everyone hates me. How can i turn back the clock and do things right, i swear I am a better person now, why do i feel like nobody can see that, i literally just want to be loved r/amitheasshole made me want to kill myself",Suicidal +22896,"My life was shit all the time. When I was a kid, everybody hated me, mocked me, beated me and dismissed me. I got mocked and beated by my alcoholic father every day and night too. I am so ugly, skinny fat and very big nose. I do not have friends, only one from highschool and but not really close. No girl have ever showed interest in me, 4 days ago I finally decided to stare a girl in the park for 15 minutes, she stared at me for a couple times too, I came a bit closer to her and she screamed what you looking at at my face. I walked away. People and girls become disgusted by looking at me outside. And like a joke my father and mother says I am really sexy and handsome. I never had nobody and nothing in this shit life I have. I just want to improve myself by getting a nose job and starting body building but guess what, I do not have shit to pay them. I became an alcoholic and a chain smoker now. I cannot take it anymore.",Depression +22897,"Hello,&#x200B;I want to write a bit about myself and share it here. I am terribly depressed. A few months ago I tried to kill myself but failed to find the courage to make it happen. I had a few ups and downs in terms of my depression since then. Right now, I am in a very low spot. One of the things I think about a lot, is that no one really knows much about me, the life I have lived, or even how I feel. So... I wanted to share with you all here and I am hoping it helps me. This may be long winded. I expect it will get removed or downvoted. If you decide to read it, thanks for taking a bit of your time to read about my tiny, worthless life.&#x200B;My name is Tay\_tay86. I am a transgender woman. I was born male and cursed with being trans. there is nothing I can do about it. it is just who I am. I have had the unfortunate luck to have a right wing loving, bible thumping family. I was homeschooled all of my life with a Christian bible based education. Something that has done me no favors at all. My parents dislike me. My Dad has not spoken more than a few sentences to me in a few years. My Mom is an alcoholic and zealous about her faith and political beliefs. So we fight. A lot. And I have been told repeatedly how upset ""the entire family is at tay\_tay86"". My older brother barely speaks to me. Until about two weeks ago I had not seen him in 12 years. He does not answer my texts. I can never get a hold of him. He... just does not love me or care about me. Even if we did grow up together. Most of my friends from growing up, college, and graduate school are all either dead or have moved on with their lives. Most ghosted me. No matter how hard I tried in college and graduate school I never formed good friendships. In graduate school, most of my class mates even openly disdained me. One took my scholarship from me. Another my desk in the TA lounge. Another my internship. The one time I got to go out with them to have drinks, we all drank until drunk. But they left me when I got sick to fend for myself. Being left to fend for myself is something that happens a lot to me. Even though I try so hard to be the kind of friend that I would want to others, it just happens over and over. I take care of people's dogs when they are on trips. I send christmas gifts and birthday cards. I attend all the events I can, but I am never considered a friend in their eyes. I am just... usable. And when someone is done using me, they discard me.Funny. That kind of behavior is probably what led me into getting abused. My ex, now a few years ago, regularly screamed at me. She called me a dumb, deaf, and blind bitch. I cried in McDonalds bathrooms. I got pushed around in bars in front of 'friends' by her (Who did nothing but act like I did not exist as I got abused).She even threatened to get my dog killed. To let him out the back gate of our house when I was gone at work. So he could run into the road and get hit by a car. All because he licks his lips loudly. And when we broke up, I of course gave her almost everything I could. Anything to make up for the absolutely shitty kind of person I am. I cannot count the number of times I begged for forgiveness. Forgiveness for leaving hot cocoa powder out on the counter (in a can). Or Scizzors left out. Or for trying to help her set up some speakers.I actually had to go to a women's shelter for help. Sucked. I do not really know what else to say. That was a horrible time in my life.Then there was the time I almost got pulverized with a rock in a cave by 2 men in front of my sister. All I did was ask them to stop doing graffiti... and they turned on me when they heard what my voice sounded like. Sucks.Through the pandemic I did my best to check in on people, but no one bothered to check in on me or how I was doing. No one really cared if I got sick or died I believe. I work in healthcare and our getting sick was a massive concern. And now people are just nasty about things like masks. And now it is 2021... Things should go better right? I tried to kill myself just a few months into it. I am just about broke. People hate me. No one talks to me. Even if I am with someone, no one ever tries to talk to me about anything. I cannot even get in small talk because people re-direct their attention so fast to whoever I am with. My body aches from the damage my ex did to me. Something that has lingered for years now. I do not think I will ever physically or emotionally heal from her now. Ah, and reddit... I made a comment on a thread. Expressing disagreement with someone. And a day later I get tagged in a post dedicated to ridiculing, invalidating, and denigrating me. People are just so intent on hating me. Destroying me. I do not know what to do or what I have even done except try to exist. My inbox is full of ways to kill myself.I feel absolutely hopeless. I do not even want to wake up anymore. People keep saying things will get better, but it does not. It just piles on to what was already there. I am not strong. I am weak. Even if I try to play a video game or something to relax I get harassed for being trans. I get told to kill myself every single day. I am just so tired.This world just wants to use me up and then to be rid of me as quickly as possible. I am tired of it. I am really tired. Hopelessly tired.&#x200B;Thanks for reading something about me. I hope you have a good day.Tay\_tay86 Hopelessness",Depression +22898,"A few months ago, I would be making yet another post on this subreddit. I was at my lowest. To get to that point of my life, the point of my life where I literally wanted to end it, I had years of social isolation, an adolescence scarred and stolen from me by bullying that left me with PTSD and being too scared to leave my own fucking house, being diagnosed with aspergers and depression, put on medication and coming literally to the edge of life and death. And you know what? I survived. I am a survivor. I have come to the realisation that there literally is nothing left in life that can frighten me. No height too high. No space too small. No flight too bumpy. No bully too big. I fear nothing, but fear itself. The thing that has scared me the most? My emotions. Being so traumatised, so low that I felt I had nothing to live for. Has anything changed? Not really. I still have no friends. I am still a confused, screwed up teen (well young adult I am 18 now), who'se still yet to experience anything you would expect from someone that age, still unemployed and still just as restless as ever. But what has changed? I embraced the mindset of a survivor. I stopped viewing myself as a victim. That is not to say I am a victim. I have been treated horiffically, an outcast by the society around me for my entire adolesence. But if I can survive years of loneliness, being bullied relentless for months on end, effectively imprisoned for fear of being attacked when I went out, night upon night of waking up in pools of sweat reliving the terror I experienced or might experience in the future, being on the edge of life and death, I can survive anything. This is the only positive thing I have posted on here. Probably one of the few positive things on here. My advice? Stop reading or posting on this subreddit until you are in a better place. it is filled with very angry, very desperate and sad people like how I was (and let us face it, I still have days like that), wallowing in an echo chamber where their worthlessness is projected to thousands of other like-minded people who believe that they too are equally worthless. If things have got that bad in your life that you thought about ending it, and you did not, then you are a survivor too. everyone is pain tolerance threshold is different, and if you did not give into that voice that told you you were better of dead, you have survived. My journey has only just begun. I am not sure where exactly the road I am on is taking me, but hopefully it is somewhere better than the place I have been at for the last several months. It might be a long, sometimes bumpy ride, but I will get there. One way or the other. Because I am a survivor. I am a survivor.",Depression +22899,"I have always been bad at expressing my emotions, although as someone who has spent a great deal of time blocking them out I suppose it is my fault.there is a constant sense of isolation. I am not as important as everyone else. My existence does not seem as necessary as theirs. I am standing still whilst everyone else goes up ahead. I am sure they would ideally want me to come along, it just does not seem plausible.Weeks pass by as I sit here purposeless, lacking the energy to do anything about it.No education, no aspirations. Just me and my thoughts.There is one person, she is the only one who gives me any sense of hope. Nowadays it seems as if I am burdening her more than anything and I do not want that. Her happiness is what holds priority to me regardless whether I am part of that or not.Most nights are spent completely restless and the ones that are not are no better, dreams of abandonment occur almost every time.Then there is being raised in a religious household. Whether the afterlife is real or not I could not tell you, it is still enough to terrify me. ""Home"" is a feeling, and I want to go there.I am scared.Despite where this is being posted I will not do anything drastic, not yet at least. I have been typing this out for over an hour so this is where I will end, advice would be appreciated. Lost",Suicidal +22900,"Just wondering there is like a silent group of us that are super depressed because we have passion and great ideas but have not found the right people who can understand the value or perspective, but if we find each other we can support each other's most dearly held wishes Do you feel passionate about something but feel hopeless for it to become real?",Depression +22901,"Someone acting as if you do not exist, it gets to me sometimes. How to deal with",Depression +22902,"my grandma has come to visit. I do not like her. not because I am being petty - but she made fun of the shit I am interested in. so much so that it send me into another depressive episode or whatever. I am not even sure if that is what these things are.i find no interest in the game I have recently been playing. like all of a sudden an off switch went in my brain and made me lose my love for it. all i want to do is sleep but i feel too restless to do so. death terrifies me. i pretend it does not but as soon as i think about the method to killing myself i tear up. shit sucks. what stings most is that i know i have it good - my teacher even poked fun at me for it , lol. i just hate what i feel a lot of the time.i wonder if I will ever get the balls to chug down a bunch of my mothers blood pressure tablets - she mentioned once that if i took them I would have a heart attack.I have decided going by train is too scary. the way i decided that is by my friend shaming me about the fact i wanted a more gruesome method.I only ever wanted something more clean cut and gruesome because i heard once that, while women try to kill themselves more than men, men have a higher death rate because men usually choose shooting themselves in the head rather than an overdose.I am in my bedroom right now - listening to the birds. I would say I am calm but i feel like I am on the verge of fucking tears. i hate crying. i never feel better after crying. venting a few thoughts again",Suicidal +22903,What would 30 cherry pits do? [Crushed obviously] Cherry pits,Suicidal +22904,"Just fucking why. I am trying. I am giving my best. I did not self harm for almost a month. I am giving negativity away. I cutted off my ex friends. I got a better relationship with my mother. I stopped telling every little shit to my friends. I started to stop creating drama. I started being useful. Cleaning. Reading. Behaving. My mother loves me. Everybody loves me. Everybody fucking loves me. But why. When i take a look down inside me i still see the black, and the sadness. And the urge to hirt myself. And i think that its fine. Its alright. I put on happy music, a happy face and I am fine. But a minute later i want to fucking cry. And I am getting anxious. My schizophrenia illusions are fucking hell. Imagine this : being 12:00 in the night, trying to sleep, in your bed, your mom's asleep, and you see running to you a fucking dead bride with her head twisted and her hands ready to grab you. And when you are about to scream you realise its just your imagination. Your dumb fucking imagination. Then you start panicking randomly. And more. You feel hungry but do not eat all day because you are fat when you are not. Always compare yourself to the others. And create temporary smiles and happines. And later you are hurt again. And getting betrayed. By the ones who sais they would never do that. And emotional abuse. Bullying. And way fucking more. I am trying. I am really fucking trying but life fucking sucks. And its getting worse while its fine. Everyone starts replacing you, leaving you, getting dissapointed in you, while you try your fucking best. And when you tell someone they say its just the hormones. Will it be still just the hormons when i jump off the balcony too? Everyday i look at it, and ask myself if i should. I punch my face and go back to what i was doing. Or cutting myself. I just cannot. A few weeks ago i did my first cut/s to blood. They hurt. And stinged. Really bad. But the pain in my head abd chest was not as big as before. I did not do anymore cuts till then. I have the urge to do everytime, even now, but i just do not. I just, cannot. I cannot do this. I am still trying. I am still fucking trying to find the hope that does not exist. Nothing happens. I do not want to die. No one does. Everyone wants to live. And the ones that die, they did not want to. They wsnted it to get better. It did not. It never did. So, they did not have any other choice. Neither do i. But I am still fucking trying. And nothing gets better. I will soon surely come back to self harm. I am sorry. Why me. Why this. Why. JUST FUCKING WHY.",Suicidal +22905,"Like life is not good, and its not going to get better. And ending it is like jumping out a car that is about to crash In acceptance",Suicidal +22906,"This is as close I can describe my ""feelings"" or lack of them.I suffered from mild to moderate depression over 10 years (I am male turning 30 soon). I was on antidepressants but they did not help much so I stopped them years ago. There were times when things were good. Now I wake up every morning and I feel I lack purpose even though I have more money than I need. When I was depressed and poor I kept thinking money will solve all problems, so I focused on making money and it really did make me feel less depressed... for awhile.After that the depression came back but now it cannot be managed. I do not feel ""less depressed"" if I buy anything (car, clothes or whatever), I feel like absolutely nothing brings me joy.People sometimes offer me to go out and do something and sometimes I go but I feel bored all of the time like - is this all there is to life?I do not like the way people are these days - mindless consumers that lost their mind on making money. As Jim Carrey said - I wish everyone to make them so you understand that this is not the real answer.I cannot let people inside my life easily so my romantic life also suffers. I enjoy the small things - walking in the park alone, looking at the sunset or sitting at my apartment looking at the mountain, sometimes I also travel but I feel I wasted my life. From the outside people always tell me - ""You did so much"" but I feel absolutely worthless. Sometimes I think if it is my time to go and I do not have kids I will just donate everything to some hospital and that is it since I do not like most of my relatives.I feel alone and without real purpose. My friends are getting married, having babies and so on and I am alone in this world.I am not looking exactly for advice, I just wanted to vent out. Wish all the best to everyone here :) Emptiness",Depression +22907,let us talk and have fun privately Are you depressed and need some fun?... add me up now on Snapchat Lydia_akers962,Depression +22908,"I am sorry if this comes off as rambling. Background info: I am a 19 year old girl (about to turn 20) and I am a Junior/Senior in college studying Dietetics. I was supposed to go to South Korea to study abroad in February but the trip got canceled due to COVID. Ever since then, things have been getting bad again. I have struggled with pretty bad depression since I was 8 and have had several unsuccessful suicide attempts. I have had around 12 different therapists with only 3 of them making a difference, I have tried different medications that all work well, then stop working, and increasing the dosage actually had a poor effect. I have had friends in the past, relationships, and hobbies that brought me joy for the most part but I now feel nothing.I feel like a hollow, empty she will. I feel like my life is missing something but no matter how hard I try I cannot figure out what it is. I am set to move out of my parents house next month into the city for college but I am terrified and I do not know why. My relationship with my parents feels broken beyond repair and I have been working on it for years, and family therapy has not worked for us when I was a teenager. I want to be able to start over and have everything be happy and normal like everyone elses families seem to be on the surface but I know that is not possible and it kills me. I know how privileged I am and that just makes the emptiness worse, I feel so guilty and stupid for wasting resources by living a life anyone else could have and make the most of. I try so hard to make myself okay but I just do not know anymore.I am scared of getting older. I do not want to see myself age, I do not want to watch my parents die, I do not want to do this anymore. I do not even want to go to school for my career because it feels like there is no point and that I will still feel empty and dissatisfied and regret my choices. I want to be happy and have a job and a normal life but nothing is making me happy and I have no motivation to do anything other than lay in bed all day. I can barely clean anymore and it is hard to take care of myself. I want everything to get better but no matter how hard I try, it always gets worse again. I took 2 weeks off from my job as a waitress hoping I could take care of myself but now that I am back at work, it is still just as bad and I have urges to just waste my life away and stop trying. I want to die. I want it all to stop and seeing time pass me by kills me. I try to go out as much as I can, do exercise, and try to make new friends but it feels like there is no point. It all feels hollow. It all feels empty. I do not know what to do to make my life feel meaningful and it feels like nothing will ever be good enough. My life feels hollow",Suicidal +22909,Ever since summer started I have been trying to get back into dating and it is been pretty unsuccessful. Only 1 real date that has not led to much more. In the midst of this obviously I have been feeling terrible. No one seems to give me the time of day and I have been feeling even more worthless than usual. This all led to a bit of a breakdown recently where I just cried for an hour on the floor feeling like I wanted to kill myself because no one seems to ever care about me like I want them to. Cut to yesterday and my friend calls me and basically brags about all the casual sex he is having now that he is moved to a new city. On top of that he is hitting it off with a women he is super attracted to. It like the world wants me to kill myself. What am I supposed to do with this? it is like life is laughing in my face by rubbing all the shit I want in front of me knowing I cannot get it. Life feels like it is mocking me,Depression +22910,"My brain feels so old and tired I am only 18 and I feel like I have lost all my youth and I do not have anything else. My brain is so dark all my thoughts are bad thoughts, I have nobody and feel like I am not good enough for anybody I do not really know what to do at this point in my life because I feel so bad everyday. I think that I have felt every painful emotion way to hard and now I am just dead. I do not think there is a painful emotion that I have not felt. I have felt it all. I wish I could just be reincarnated into a fucking animal at this point maybe a shark or something. I feel like I have been stripped of everything",Depression +22911,"I want to fucking die and stop existing, every single aspect of my fucking life is hurting me so bad, that I want to rip my brain out to the wall, or bite my skin off, when I think about it. Everything is boiling inside me, but I cannot find anyone to talk about it, cuz no one will understand and besides that everything is so complex that it is just fucking impossible. I am freacking lazy piece of crap that cannot force itself to work, or study, or do physical exercise. My passions and talets are non evolving, since I am so fucking lazy. Sometimes I wish that I would be born without any talets (I mean, I wish that I will not be born at all) so I would not have to deal with such mental pain and problems. I am fucking fat pig, everyone are telling me that I am not fat, but slim, but they know shit. From the past half a year I have been trying to get slimmer, but that shit are not work. Where the fuck is justice in this? How the Hell people who eat whatever they want, do not do any torture-like workouts and live happy life have the same fucking figure as Me, who is struggling everyday, to not eat any sweets and almost everyday forces Itself to painfull exercises? Where the fuck are my results? I still look like fat shit and I want to fucking die and go away from this world as quickly as possible. I will not be able to pass my next fucking year in this shitty school, cuz I am hecking lazy and I cannot study. Seriously; every single second of my life I find another thing that just pushhes me down into deep ocean of inner madness that will not came out to the outsite world. I would probably try to kill myself, but my fucking talent is stopping me in this. This is more of a curse, than blessing, because everyone are telling me that I have talent in making stories, so I know that if anywhere in the future I would actually do something about it, it could be big. But as I said, I am too fucking lazy to develop anything inside my shitty self. I have bite myself today out of inner anger and I can still see the mark on my hand. Something happened with my ankle 3 days ago, so I was not able to do any workouts, so I am just forced to see how my belly is turning more and more ugle as shit. Summer sucks let me tell, since when it is school, you are at least have something to do, you are busy with something, but now when there is like a LOT of free time, because of my laziness, every single day is constant loop of feelings of wastig time and becaming worse and worse pice of crap that I am. I cannot even find any friends, I have like 1 friend, but I am too fucking shy to talk to anyone. I am fucking alone. And even NOW I know that I am probably doing the worst thing possible, while writing this, because reddit was toxic to me everytime, so now it will probably say something like People have much worse, worse life than You, some do not have family, some are very poor, someone is health is very bad, some life in war and still you are complaining about such little things?! YOU SNOB!!! but I am writing it in such emotional storm, that I do not even care. I WANT TO DIE. I did not even knew where to post this shitty thing I have just wrote and I will probably make another mistake in my life when I post this, but I do not care. Rant for my shitty life",Suicidal +22912,"I work at cx service and is tired receiving shit from most of the people. Why cannot they be nice? That is part of why I hate my life. I mean, that has a lot of consequences. I hate my job. I am unhappy and I want to kms. I wish it were as easy as just quit but I am afraid What if I do not earn enough? What if I quit and I am still being unhappy? Why if I am not good enough to work somewhere else? Self esteem issues. Why you got to be so rude?",Depression +22913,"I know you always win. We live in a society where evildoers always win the day. I have fought for 2 years to find a safe path forward. There is none. ""The System"" awards the abuser and continues to retraumatize the victim. There is no safe path forward - all ""the helpers"" have lied. You live in narcissistic abuse and then you die there. Police will not help (I tried). Adult Protective Services will not help. So congratulations to all narcopaths out there - you win. You own the day. You rule this CRUEL World. Goodbye. Dear Narcissist:",Suicidal +22914,Always thought I was bipolar or recurringly depressed or something. I think I may actually kill myself or at least attempt to in a few months. I do not see many people drive their cars into lakes or rivers so I think I may try to do that. but at the same time I am in a good mood right now and I may not? But I think I am consciously acknowledging that there is a reality where I do it. I do not even think I have a good enough reason as to why lol. Shrug I did not think I was suicidal to be honest,Suicidal +22915,"it explains a lot of things and why I feel very, very bad about myself... just learned that Type 1 diabete give depression",Depression +22916,"I have had someone in my life since we were both really young. they are the only person I have ever really loved, and they were the only person who could make me feel safe. We were together for a long time, about 6 years total probably. Both of us have lots of mental health problems, neither of us could really ever get proper e treatment so we always confided in each other. Last year I did something really awful to them, I think we I both tried to move on from it but they ended up cheating on me. I tried to forgive them, because they did their best to move on from what I did, but they still do not trust me and they are with someone else now. I had to make them block me so I did not get angry or violent like I had been toward them before. I never physically hurt them but I made threats. I am such a piece of shit. I love them. Idk why I did that. I need help, I should go back to the hospital. I was going to see a therapist toomet try and work my issues out for them but I do not have insurance, I do not have the money for it though I do not have insurance. It would not matter anyway because the only reason I wanted to get better was for them, so I could be with them again. We only met in person for the first time in December last year, then again in March, and everything was so good. Both weeks I was there it was like everything was perfect, but then at the end of my stay in March was when I found out they cheated on me and it ruined everythingI have fucking massive dysphoria every fucking day, I cannot look at myself in the mirror anymore. I do not know what the right term for it is but I constantly have the feeling that I get whenever I think someone is about to yell at me or hurt me, just extreme anxiety constantly if I am not preoccupied with something.I am on the verge of stabbing myself in the neck. I cannot do this shit anymore. I miss them so much, I am such a fuckup I lost the only person who helped me because I am a fucking idiot with no self control",Suicidal +22917,"Idk what to do anymore, I either end it now or my life will keep spiraling down until I cannot stand it anymore and end it then. Either way I cannot handle my own emotions. Everyone says I am sensitive just for caring. The only way to feel numb is drugs or death, and deaths starting to sound better. I have been like this since I was a kid I do not think it can get better. Being alive feels like a trap. :/",Suicidal +22918,"Hello guys, first of all, sorry in advance for my English, it is not my native language, I am struggling with suicidal thoughts for months now and I need some advice on my problem, any advice on what should I do to cope up with my situation would be appreciated. I come from a middle-class family from a third world country, 1.5 years ago I borrowed some savings money from my family, around $1500 because I was interested in stock markets, and wanted to earn some side money as I was doing my higher education, my parents, especially my dad was checking on updates every month on how the money was doing, he is not tech-savvy so he believes what I tell him, long story short, I was a noob and lost 45% of the money, and I could not tell him that I lost 45% since it was a huge amount for us, so I lied to him and told him that I invested the money in a bucket of stocks, and according to the current prices, the stocks I told him that I have has a value of $5000 (both bad and good luck ig), which I lied and I do not have, the 55% of the money I did not lose, I invested in index funds, he thinks I have $5000 worth of stocks, but reality is far different, and although we are financially well and he would not ask me to withdraw the fictional money he thinks I have, I am scared as shit that he would find out, I cannot tell him the truth that I lost the money 1.5 years ago, as it would break him that I lied to him, I cannot hold the lies anymore too, since every month he ask for updates, it hurts me mentally, I am having suicidal thoughts now, and I cannot take it anymore, I cannot talk about this situtation to anyone, because of guilt and shame so I am posting it here using a throwaway account, any advice on how to deal with it would be appriciated, thankyou.. Struggling with suicidal thoughts, advice needed!",Suicidal +22919,"I feel like I have no time for me anymore. I am going to be 24 soon and feel like I have wasted my time away already. I used to love watching TV shows, anime, reading, cuddling my cats, writing. And now when I get home I just want to go up to bed. I am just exhausted mentally. I am staring at a screen 8 hours a day. Dealing with patients on the phone, sometimes with them screaming. I get headaches near all the time with the stress. I worked part time but decided to work full time due to needing more money for doing my driving lessons and hopefully getting a car. Do I need these things? No. But it will take less time commuting to and from work if I have a car. What I really want to do is all the things I used to do. I want to travel. I want to gain social confidence. Make some friends and maybe for the first time in my life get into a relationship with a man. However, I feel I have no time to do anything. Too mentally drained. I want to be left alone and on weekends I feel the same and try to recover so I can get myself together for another week. I do not know how to have a work and a personal life at the same time. Sorry. I just had to let this out. Life is not good for me atm though ik I should be grateful. Working 9 to 5 as a recent graduate earning a bad wage, is depressing me. How do people live like this ?",Depression +22920,"My downtime has reached to the point wherein when i see my own profile picture on my social media, i get sadder and more down. Because for some reason i hate seeing how I am smiling and how i look happy in those pictures while in real life I am suffering. I want to remove them, or change them to faceless ones, or just deactivate all my accounts, but i cannot do that because then my friends and family will ask what is wrong, and i know they cannot help me at all. No to my own pictures",Depression +22921,"I dropped out in 5th grade, then 6th grade, then 10th grade, and now I am about to quit summer school. I get good grades in everything except for math, but I basically have to sacrifice every other part of my life just to get those grades. All my time is spent crying, hunched over a computer so I can have the privilege of attending a university in the future where Ill be doing the same old shit. I do not want my life to be like this. I do not want to be forced to push my happiness to the side so I can afford food when I am 30. Should I just fucking kill myself if I do not want to suffer through school?",Suicidal +22922,I have got a friend a girl...who has depression and went to a doctor today and got prescribed drugs... And my friend took the drug and she is super high and I do not know but I feel really sad its just the fact she is not her self right now kills me. I text her something but her reply is I am laughing I am super happy I do not know what to do. If anyone got any advice for me I would really appreciate it. If anyone's online please help me out,Depression +22923,"I do not know if it is just me who deals with this but I never honestly confess my true depressed thoughts if anyone asks about my mood. It just feels so wrong and almost attention seeking, I do not want to be a burden for anyone. So I just pretend to be okay, although most of my friends know of my diagnosis and struggles. But as soon as anyone else opens up about not doing okay I feel so wrong and disgusted by myself. I feel sorry for them and bad myself. I feel like garbage for telling them I had a good day right before them confessing they have not. I hate this. Feeling bad because others are able to confess their depressed feelings but not me",Depression +22924,"Damn, being a miserable and alone loner with no confidence is an awful pitiful miserable existence.I am at the cinema again alone as I have no one to go with.I have to do everything in my life miserable and alone as I have nobody. England are through to the final of the Euro cup in football and I have nobody to watch the match with, even though it is monumental and a huge thing for the country.Being alone is fucking awful. I spend my life alone and I will remain miserable and alone until my death. Life is fucking awful. How to cope as a miserable and alone loner with no confidence?",Depression +22925,I am 16 (m) and I do not know whether or not its Pocd or not I think it might be the real deal. I was lying in bed today on YouTube when I came across a video of a girl doing some sort of dumb challenge. She was about 7 and I got a groinal response from the thumbnail. I clicked on the video to see if I was actually aroused by her. I did not think it was real arousal until I stood up and saw that my penis was half hard not a full erection though. I felt so worried about this and started doing more testing to test my attraction. I watched videos on YouTube of young kids in swimsuits to test my penis response to it. I did not get an erection and it actually got smaller so I was feeling relieved then when I put my pants back up they prushed off the top of my penis and i thought it felt good. I got even more anxious and that maybe I am actually attracted to kids but the anxiety I am feeling is stopping me from getting an erection. The thing I mentioned earlier would suggest so. After that I decided to test my attraction to adults so I went on the hub and got fully hard pretty quickly. I think this could have been a compulsion of mine to test my attraction to adults. I was just about to start beating when an intrusive thought popped into my head of a naked child. I felt like some pulse of blood to my dick and it freaked me the fuck out. I finished to a big breasted Woman but immediately felt like shit. I cannot stop thinking that the reason I fapped is because of the intrusive thought and I cannot tell if I liked it or not. Honestly I feel like a piece of shit and this is just venting really. I plan on getting wasted tonight before ending it. I cannot live with the idea of me being turned on by little girls i fucking hate myself I am crying rn I want to end it but I do not want people to blame themselves at the same time. If you read this thanks I appreciate it have a good life and all. I think my Pocd is real and I am attempting tonight,Suicidal +22926,"i deeply struggle with intrusive visions of me committing suicide. every single day. for at least the past 3-4 years. i would love to talk to someone about it but it is gotten to the point where when i even think about talking on the matter, i am left feeling more guilty than i have ever felt for exposing people to something so dark, so unhelpful. that is my response when my boyfriend asks what I am thinking. ""its unhelpful"". its all i can muster. but these visions, man..... they are something out of a horror movie. my boyfriend just lost his bestfriend to an OD and the visions are only getting worse. maybe because i feel like i extra cannot talk about it for a while. in a vision",Suicidal +22927,I do not think the life I have is worth fighting for. The only thing that is keeping me from ending myself is the pain factor of death.I am just waiting for the pain and agony in my life to be greater than the fear of pain of dying and I will be happy to do it.I will not bore you with my life story and please do not tell me I matter. I know you mean well and probably really mean it as well but I do not believe someone you have not even known for a minute matters. The truth is no one would care if I dropped dead tomorrow. Sure my mum and sister would be sad but they will get over it. And I am not some sad troubled soul. I am weak and pathetic beacuse I cannot even get through simple life which other people seem to be doing fine at.As I said before it is just not worth it. I am just waiting for the day the pain irl to get so bad that the pain of killing myself would not scare me that much. I am 18 and I just do not think it is worth it anymore.,Depression +22928,"Thinks will not improve, I cannot see myself lasting another year. I am trying to get antidepressants. I am scared that eventually Ill do it",Suicidal +22929,"I should be very very happy, I have a gf, I have nice things. But for some reason I still sit here and still feel as depressed as I have ever been. I want to feel happy I really do but idk what is stopping it. Do you ever feel sad for no reason?",Depression +22930,"I do not think I can face another day at work, but its too late for me to call out. Some of my coworkers trigger my anxiety so fucking much and I have started feeling suicidal again. I am in the parking lot at work and I do not know what to do, I do not want to go inside Anxiety is killing me",Suicidal +22931,"Though I know I cannot have either. Oh life, thy art a cold hearted bitch. One slap after the other, a little kick if you stand too high. If I were to show my true personality, unmasked with social normalities, could I find the perfect person? Would I be truly happy or left worse for it? If I cannot die I at least want a perfect companion.",Depression +22932,I just think death would be easier. I just think,Suicidal +22933,"I want to do it while I still have the energy to. I am insufferable. I cannot believe that other people have managed to put up with me for so long. I am embarrassed by everything I do. I already know that my parents do not care whether I live or die; they tried to guilt trip and manipulate me, after my last attempt.""do not you love me? do not you care what [insert person] will think?""I do not fucking love you, and I do not care what all my family members that I have not seen in years will think. They probably care about how me killing myself might ""damage"" their reputation, more than they do about me. I want to die",Suicidal +22934,"I really need to vent. I need somewhere to let this out. Forgive me if I ramble. it is been hard to focus. Today has been especially difficult. I woke up and I have been laying in bed with my lights off most of the day.. close to a year and a half ago I lost both of my children because I was unfit.. my mental health as well as having ended up in a relationship that nearly cost me my life.. several times. I felt trapped and lost everything before I could get myself together enough to get out.. now I am 25 back at my mother's house and only seeing my girls once a week for an hour.. the other day when planning my weekly visit, their father texted me that I would be unable to see them this week because they were in a wreck and totaled the truck.. he said the girls were fine but he could not even call me.. it made me realize that I was so far gone that he could not even be bothered to tell me that our children were involved in a car wreck.. Today I suppose it all finally settled in. Anytime I would exit my room for anything my mother would put me on the spot in front of everyone. ""I am fine"" I would say. To which her response was always something snarky followed by ""well you do not look fine"". I do not like when people point it out when I am like this.. it makes me feel small.. my voice is never heard because ""someone always has it worse"". I agree, but that does not mean I am not in pain.. so I closed myself off and began to sob again... my step dad, who I have never really bonded with, came into my room and allowed me to talk.. then he spoke. Shared some information that he had not even shared with my mom about his past and his mental health struggles.. it was nice. Then my mom came in upset because he did not tell her where he was going.. began to joke and play around like everything was fine. He had to tell her that this conversation was not about HER.. she took that as a joke also.. she expressed that her and my grandfather had been discussing therapy and medication options for me. Which I am opposed to and she is aware. I can function like a normal person.. I just have my days where I cannot hold it in anymore.. When my step dad left I had to endure being her personal therapist because she ""had the blahs"" and ""I am not the only one that suffers"".. I need encouragement.. I just need hope.. something. Kind words needed",Depression +22935,"First of all, I do not know why I am writing this : I am used to struggling and deal with my life alone. I guess I just need to vent ? I have been thrown out (like garbage) of my house by my mother who knew I was in depression and she still know it I guess, she just chose her boyfriend to her own daughters. Life is so unfair to some of us. I always told myself that it could not get any worst BUT IT DID. I am so desperate rn, I do not want to live (but that is true that I never really wanted to, ahaha) but I do not have the courage to end my fucking life.Idk how to finish this post so, end. I have been relying on my sister too much",Suicidal +22936,"I hate waking up every fucking day. I would commit suicide but I would probably fuck that up to like I fuck everything else up. If I hung myself the rope would probably snap due to my weight, If I swallowed pills I would probably throw them up, if I ran out infront of traffic someone would probably swerve out of the way, I cannot afford a firearm...if I cut myself I would probably cut the wrong way and be brought to the hospital in time... I do not want to wake up anymore...",Depression +22937,"I want to die, I have nothing to live for...I am 23 and I am stuck at a dead end job...no one gives a crap about me... I really wish I could just do it...",Suicidal +22938,"Even when I am distraught, I can never get the job done (suicide). My mind is exploding. I am under so much stress with no outlet, no relief. I already called the police after the incident. They did not do much, and one of them was extremely hostile towards me, which triggered me further and left me in tears when I was already traumatized by what happened. I am in so much pain. I have no support. I live alone and am disabled due to my mental health. I do not know what else to do. I am desperate for assistance, even if only a little. I understand the Internet is not a good place to seek support, but it is my only option. I have called my case manager. I have already called the Crisis Hotline, the National Suicide Hotline, and the Samaritans Hotline. They all tell me the same thing: to get a therapist, but the waitlists are long, up to six months. I need immediate help now. I need someone now. Does anyone know anything, or anyone, that could provide some sort of relief? Please, someone do something. Please read this. I need help, and the police did not help me.",Suicidal +22939,"I have been thinking tonight and i think i had anxiety for more than i can think of. in first 2 years of uni and last year of high school i had a friend whom was anxious and he kind of gave his vibe to me, i panic a lot over small stuff. still it was worse when he was around and since i have not seen him i feel better but, maybe he induces my anxiety, other than that my mom does the same since she probably has anxiety issues but also depressed and taking depression pills. i do not know, i remember in first grade i sat down alone and just felt alone and dissatisfied, this feeling of dissatisfaction still continues till today. i had that feeling of loneliness maybe till 5th grade and then anxiety replaced it? i always feel i cannot trust people, nor they can trust me and i feel worthless. maybe its a relationship issue? i remember in kindergarten there was a girl that we liked each other but after that i moved out of that city.i feel lack of self-esteem and motivation, for last 4 years or so i have not done anything really, i guess i was more active in 7th grade(13yo) but it gradually went down till 12th where this guy came up and started his nihilistic crap and laziness and it felt like a hit on a nail and i failed 2 studies that year, me whom was acing before.was it puberty that messed me up? I am 22 now but i never had any relationship in my life, i was straight till 18, then anted to make my options more so i did not really care about gender till 20 but then again i feel i cannot get that emotional attachment to a same sex person. speaking of emotions i think i have emotional pain, sometimes my body, my chest and wrists hurt alot and i cry in my bed, i think i have this since when i was 13.i do not have much hope on stuff, things feel a bit numb, my studies are not going well and in last 2 semesters (thanks to covid) i have not seen many people and i did not study anything, but there were some friends around and we cheated the exams, which i personally have issue with. first semester i dropped a class because the guy gave points to everyone but i wanted to learn the topic so i dropped but now i just feel indifferent, i want to do stuff but i feel i cannot, i feel weak and not in control of my life, i feel i cannot stand for myself and get to anything that i ever want and if i want to do it, something will eventually go wrong and make me to lose. i feel failure is always there and its not a bad thing that happens and makes me sad, its just a part of everything i have or dream of, i guess i cannot achieve anything. i wanted to lose my weight for so long but anxiety made it just worse. i have lost much time that i cannot spend to experience and find stuff that i want i guess, or get skillfulled in two or three skills that i really want and i should just pass on. i failed my uni entrance exam in order to go to a good uni and went to a more normal one which i did not like, and i wanted to change it 3 times and the idea never left me and i still have nightmares about it, i tried to face and do it again but was just looking at an escape because it all was painful and was hurting me even more and someone told me to drop it, so i did stop taking re-entrance exam.i do not know what is wrong with me, i went to therapist 2 times but i could really speak since i just do not know.since this is too long i guess no one will even comment on this, huh i would not be amazed what is wrong with me?",Depression +22940,every day i tried my best. my best to live. my best to put up with the situation I am in. i cannot just simply do this anymore. it is tiring. i try my best even though I am living with my abusers. i cannot escape my situation. almost every fucking day m abused. almost every fucking day it hurts. almost every fucking day I hate myself.. almost every fucking day I hate everything around me. eery fucking day I do not feel ok. I have lowered my standards so much. i just want to feel ok. why is it so hard just to feel ok. why am I being manipulated every day. why are my relatives and everyone my mom takes to being manipulated into hating me. why cannot someone stand up for me. i cannot stand up for myself anymore. i cannot hold it down for much longer. i wanted to live. i still do. i want to so fucking bad. but if living means living like this? i do not want to live. i much rather die. i cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +22941,"Throughout my life, I have struggled with depression. it is always just been a constant thing, simmering under the surface. it is ruined my life, to be honest. I had so much trouble in school and now, at 36, the reality of my life is hitting me so hard. I am 36 and I have never had a stable job. I do not have any friends and my family, while kind to me, I think they are done with me along with everyone else. My husband supports me and I am draining him. I know I am. I feel guilty about it every day but I cannot seem to figure out how to get better. I have been to therapy a few times and it only seems to make things worse, especially the more they dig at my problems. I do not want to go to a psych ward because I am pretty sure that would only add to my problems. I do not see any other path to success or getting better right now, and for the first time ever, I wonder if I would be better off dead. it is frightening to feel this way... I would usually be able to tell myself something, or focus on something else, to get it to stop. But I dunno about this time. I do not know what to do right now. This is the first time in my life that I have genuinely felt like I would be better off dead.",Depression +22942,"Hey. Thanks for reading. I am 22M from Europe and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, OCD and anxiety last year. I have also spent some time in a psychiatric ward and was doing SSRIs and benzodiazapenes. The because of my depression was a series of traumatic embarrassments and mistakes which I mostly caused myself. I was never really a good decision maker, even though I have read a ton of self-improvement books and whatnot. I had a real hard time remembering the things I have learned from them and often act out of emotion/impulse. To make everything even worse, I was rejected by a girl I was infatuated by because I was behaving very cringey and she found out embarrassing stuff about me. I have left myself too open and vulnerable to people that did not deserve it in any sense. And it hurts.I am a high school drop out because my biggest passion was to pursue a music career (rap). However, I was also thinking finishing my last year in school and go to college. Mostly because I want a plan B if I will not be able to make money from rap, but I also think it would help my depression. The depression itself is the actual thing that keeps me from doing the stuff I love, keeping me stuck in the past, feeling intense anxiety because I am now afraid what people think of me, and I never had that problem until now. Is it possible to reach happiness again so I can become the athletic, quick-witted, confident happy guy I was before things went south in my life? I also want to dedicate more time to the gym & writing lyrics, but I just lack the motivation to do so. Can I pull myself from this dark & scary rock bottom I am at and fulfill my dreams? I hate wasting my life but at the same time cannot just shut off my depression. Peace. 22 years old and depressed. Can I regain my confidence & happiness and become successful in life?",Depression +22943,"Hi everyone.&#x200B;I have been struggling to cope with this pain for the longest time possible. I will try to make this as short and easy to read and understand as possible...My entire family is a train wreck. I live with my divorced mom and sister, both that are extremely religious and have expressed multiple times that they do not like me as I do not share the religious views as them. I have depression and a lot of issues going on in my life. Whenever I try to talk to them about it, they tell me to pray. there is so much bad going on between me and them that they feel more like strangers than them. I feel no love from them for many other reasons too.But that is okay...because I used to have my friends whom I have practically known for half of my life, yes, HALF of my life... Like, over a decade. I have considered them to be my closest friends and even family. I loved them more than my own family and will put my life on the line for them. I was proud to have them. Basically, they mean everything to me. Back when I was a child, I had a dream of owning a Ferrari one day but that slowly fizzled away into me meeting them one day. Yes, they lived overseas. I felt like my life had a purpose. I can continue on my miserable existence thanks to them because I was truly happy being around them.But one fateful day, I have made a grave mistake 2-3 years before as I speak, unaware it is bad despite and not thinking twice because I was just that passionate and excited to have a brand new friend and ""family"" with me. One day, one of them turned their back on me and accused me of doing something illegal that I have done that was not illegal anyway...and instead of hearing me out and believing in me, they chose the decision to banish me. Never wanting to do LITERALLY anything to do with me. I was blocked, blacklisted, and just exiled from their life. Erased. Despite me coming back 7 months to apologize, they still ignored me and want me out of their life. The people whom I thought see me the same way as I did, just left me. I felt so...betrayed and lost. Crushed. I feel like I cannot trust anyone now because if they can do this to me, anyone will. I feel like I have lost everything. No purpose. No nothing. I have a good job that pays extremely well, but that does not make me happy at all. I had one dream and wish and it was gone. I was already suicidal before, but this just...gives me a bigger reason that I am not worth being around. If the people I would put my life ahead and would do anything for turns their back on me and my family are as helpful as a plumber trying to fix an airplane, then I just do not see the point any longer. My family does not care too much when I asked them about suicidal thoughts but to pray and they are still on god's side... People say move on, it will be better but I just do not think they understand... I just cannot take it any longer... Everyday I am slowly considering that its just a good idea to move on by not breathing... Help... I feel like there is no purpose in my life anymore...",Suicidal +22944,I am going to kill myself at the nearest bridge or hang myself . Either I have the strength to do so because I am shaking as I write this and feel like ill colapse Told my mother and she left and went at her sisters and my cousin's (raper) house as she always does when I tell her I cannot handle this all anymore. I cannot live with narcissists and being so seriously physically and mentally ill and disabled and having noone. I am done. Totally fking done. I hope I find my brother and family up there and my soul gets set free and without pain anymore I am done .I am going to end it all I just wanted to tell someone,Suicidal +22945,"lately I have been dealing with a lot of stress and very busy weeks that completely overwhelm me with the amount that is asked from me. and with lately i mean, pretty much the past years, but ever since a few months back, it is been more severe and i went from 58kg to 52kg unintentionally in only around 4 months. I have always been kind of skinny, but this makes me hate myself even more. i try to exercise and eat but i lack appetite and interest in food, and my body feels like bricks most of the time, so its incredibly hard to motivate myself to exercise. all i want is to just love myself more, but i cannot. everything around me in the world seems so harmful and i just feel so scared and hopeless in a world like this. i wish i could go back to the easier times. I have even had some days where i ate pretty well and even ate some snacks. i would feel confident and happy with myself. next week i would go and weigh myself being sure i must have gained some, and........ silence. lost weight again. it completely destroys that bit of confidence i had and makes me feel so upset. i do not know if I am asking for advice rn or if i just felt like sharing this, but anyone reading this, thank you. keep losing weight unintentionally.",Depression +22946,It seems everywhere I go nobody can understand me. I am in such a fucked situation I am never going to get out. I think I deserve it. Its just karma for every terrible thing I have done. I am so stressed out at this point I really want to give up,Suicidal +22947,"I just do not understand it. I am nearing 30, and simple things such as finding a therapist or scheduling an appointment feel so completely out of reach, like I am trying to chop down a tree with a tube of toothpaste. I have been struggling with this for nearly 20 years now, and have nothing to show for it. I am still incredibly depressed. I have no achievements. I have held only a few fleeting minimum-wage jobs throughout my life, and never went to college. A few years back I was going through a patch of being less depressed, and signed up for Job Corps. I wanted to make something of myself. Well, the depression came back. As it always does. Only this time, my support network lived 30 minutes away. My chance to make something of myself ended up with me in a mental health ward after trying to take my life because the pain and sadness just became unbearable. Since then, I have not recovered. Every day is difficult. I no longer have my parents' insurance to cover my needs, so I have not been able to afford seeing a therapist or getting medication for years. I have no job, no friends. I am close to my family, and they are the only reason I am not contemplating suicide right now. I saw how much my attempt hurt them, and refuse to put them through my selfish antics again. Why cannot I beat this? Why cannot I do the basic things people do every day, like take care of themselves, socialize with others, and work a job? Why must every little thing feel like I am trying to climb Mount Everest with a piano strapped to my back?I am tired, but I have no way out. I am stuck with this burden, whether I like it not, but feel powerless to do anything about it. Why does life have to be so hard?",Depression +22948,"As a child, I was always told that when I was feeling bad, I should talk to someone. Everywhere on the interenet it says that I should seek help when I am mentally ill. But in reality, no one is there for you. In reality, no one wants to have your negativity. In reality, most people do not care how you feel. Neither therapies nor medications have ever helped me. I wish I would die almost every day and it just does not matter. Nobody wants to hear about it. Even if I die it does not matter. Who am I anyway. The world would just keep spinning as if nothing had happened. It baffles me how little my suffering seems to matter",Suicidal +22949,"I tell people I have social anxiety and I cannot socialize well at all, which is true to some extent. I do get nervous when talking to really anyone and I always feel like anything I say sounds stupid, but in reality I seem to love attention, which is what I hate most about myself.I have a friend who is probably the greatest person I have ever met and I am truly glad to have him but I have also been taking advantage of his kindness by doing and saying the dumbest things to make him worry about me and give me attention. I am a total asshole for that and it makes me hate myself but I just cannot stop doing it. I feel awful and I am trying to stop but its almost like an addiction. I just do not get it.The thing that I really do not understand is why I am like this. I have not really been neglected by my parents or anything like that and really the only time I am not noticed by anyone is at school and that is just because I do not like any of my classmates and Id really rather not socialize with them. I guess it just makes me very happy to know that someone cares about me or something, so maybe that is my reason for being like this. I have no idea. I just know that I hate it and I want it to stop. Why do I seem to love getting attention?",Depression +22950,girlfriend blocked becauae I accidentally took ss of her picture.she warned me but I have not seen it when I took ss. mmediately I delete it it.but she harrassed me said many bas things and blocked.she was my lifea shine and purpose no reason to liveIll broadcast my suicide from bosphrus brisge live tomorrowlove you all suicide at 07.00 am tomorrow,Suicidal +22951,"hey I am a 28 y/o nobody with no skills, no job, no s/o, and VERY rough family relations at this point. I am fat, I am ugly, and I am not particularly good at anything at all. I have been living with my parents for almost all my lief, save one year in university res in another town (a year I flunked hard because I could not even leave my room to go anywhere, let alone class). And yeah at this poitn, I really just see no discernible path to happiness for myself or anyone around me who still cares about what happens to me. I am 100% having a crisis moment I think but at the same time a moment of clarity. Everyone always says 'seek help' but seeking help does not always make anything easier. I have sought help a bunch of times now and I guess its had varying degrees of success but I always wind up back here. So. I mean if my life were a project or a save file on a game or if I were practicing a song or a dance or a play or anything like that I would 100% have marked it as a failure and reset ages ago. idk man. Seek help. Help is sought. did not help much. GG. I do not see any way out of this at this point",Depression +22952,"I [15M] feel like I have been living the same day, every day for the last 4 years. i hate the fact that I had to move out of town because of my mom's addiction to cocaine. I hate the fact that my dad overestimated me so much when I came to live with him. i hate the fact that now he thinks I am useless. I hate the fact that now I am really useless, I have time and energy but I do not use either because I am lazy and I stay all day either on the PC or in bed, not wanting to do anything, I need to change the way I I live but I also do not have the courage to change. I always end up doing shit when I try to be more outgoing and I always give up after saying I am going to change. I have time and i do not use it. I am a bad person who wanted to have a worse life just so I could justify myself for being the way I am. I am disgusted with myself and instead of growing as a person I am considering continuing to do nothing until I am 18, and when the responsibilities start to show up I run away as usual, jumping from the 15th floor of a building or something like that. or I kill myself now, there is nothing stopping me now besides about 4 or 5 people. it is just that as the lazy, disgusting person that I am, I am not really into living in a third world country earning a minimum wage a month that does not quite cover my basic expenses, and that in the best case, I probably would not even get a job. I cannot talk to people normally, I would get anxious and just freeze at a job interview i feel like I have been living the same day, every day for the last 4 years.",Suicidal +22953,"No escaping suffering, only way is a way that is the most hardest but worth it I tried to do better but life will not let me",Suicidal +22954,I decided to take a break from social media for some days hope this helps me I know that no one cares but it feels good talking to 1-2 people so yeah... Hello,Depression +22955,I want to jump out of window. I want to cut my ears of so I do not hear anything. I do not want to see anything. I just cannot breath. Someone say a resson to survive please?,Suicidal +22956,"I cannot take it, why to be afraid of the death and the hell, if the true hell is here, with us on earth. Everything's wrong, since the usual people, until the big governments and rulers of the world/countries, everything is rotten. Every individual of this human race is a monster and a living dirty piece of shit. Everything is wickedness pure. I cannot keep lying, this human race disgusts me so much that it literally makes me sick. Right now I am sick, I am sure that is because of my hate to this fucking world. Every fucking day, everything I see I do not like. This can sound dumb or something, but I cannot even describe my infinite and impossible disgust to this human race. our rulers are equal to the most ruthless and disgusting serial killers, terrorists and dictators that ever lived. Everything is connected. Evil is everywhere, evil is simply masked, but it is always fucking beating. I myself know that I am a very bad person, I hate myself being human.I do not know if my words sounds logics or not, but this is what I think. I want the third fucking world war, I do not care anything, I just want death to this rotten human race. I feel like I am in the wrong reality, or the wrong world, I do not know, just I do not like. Someone here does get what is like have an intense hate inside? I know living with hate is a torture, but I cannot avoid it, I feel everybody are all my enemies, fuck, I do not know how I will keep living with all this hate. But yes, human race is a cancer so so so disgusting. Besides that, I feel dead, I have always felt like this. the planet earth, the only planet with known complex life in this disgusting galaxy, so many years in which humans have inhabited the earth, what have they been for? If the world continues to be so bad, we are not moving forward, we are going backwards. Shit. The human race is sentenced to burn.Well, this is my post, I just wanted to say it. World is the absolute epitome of the hell",Suicidal +22957,hi everyone can someone buy me meal i do not have job since 6 months please help if you are capable ill be thankful i am hungry,Depression +22958,"To those who are reading this, you were some of the only good in my life. I send this to you because I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. it is not your fault. it is nobody's but mine, I caused so many problems for myself and clearly was not a good enough friend. I am sorry for everything I have done, but now you never again have to deal with me. :)It became too much, out of nowhere. I have been spiraling downwards in my mental state for a long time now, and I finally hit the last straw. Everyone I know will see this around 5:30, and by then I will already be dead. Coming out as trans was a big hit to my mental health. My relationships were all harmed to some extent, some of which were because of people being awkward with it, and others thanks to straight up transphobia. Overall, this has just made 2021 a very difficult year for me. But recently I did something that killed any self love I had left. I tried not starting conversations with my friends. Guess how many started one with me?? ZERO. No one likes me enough to even try to talk to me, to make plans, or anything of the sort. Yet somehow I pushed past that. I managed to start feeling alright with myself. I have taught myself to do that, because no one ever likes me so I try to like myself. But then I received a message that broke my heart. One of my best friends, and the person who is been the kindest and most caring to me, told me she no longer wanted to be friends. Realising I managed to fuck up one of the best relationships I have ever had made life unbearable. (Note that the person who broke off will not see this part)And that brings me to where I am now, sitting here trying to figure out how I will end it, and creating this note for you, to at least understand my pain. I am sorry for always being so annoying and stupid, but apparently it is just who I was. Thanks for being in my life. Could someone check over my suicide note and make sure it does not seem like it is blaming anyone? I do not want anyone to thinks it is their fault.",Suicidal +22959,Doing it would solve 100% of my pain and problems. Just duno how? I feel so trapped in this reality and walls are really closing in on me. Just do not know how I would do it,Suicidal +22960,"The world is such a shitty place with people that only care about themselves, everyone just takes and does not blink an eye if they take from you. there is no such thing as happiness when this cruel world does not give af about anyone, there is kids being trafficked, people killing innocents, and there is gunna be no fucking change. The world will always remain cruel and selfish, what is the point of being alive in such a destroyed society. I rather just be dead. I cannot help any of these people I cannot even help myself. what is the point of living when so many suffer. My life is meaningless and I am useless. what is the point",Suicidal +22961,"I am that kind of friend that is always present for them, they would come up to vent and to talk about their problems and life etc I would help them on school and jobs applications, I do not enjoy it, but I do it either way because I believe its the good thing to do. Anyhow I cannot tell anyone about my problems because they would turn it into my fault for whatever thing that I did or did not do, and this is not a problem for me as I hate talking to anyone. I vent on social media and I have a blog with lots of followers.But I hate that I cannot talk about happy things, whenever I am excited about something I will not tell anyone because they would ruin it or give me thousand advices that I do not need or did not ask for. I get excited for each and every interview I get, but I learned the lesson to not tell anyone about it because they ruin it. I won a fucking writing contest and when I announced it everyone asked what does it pay and why I won and offered to read my script but they never read it lol. I do not have anyone to share my happiness with and I think that is the definition of loneliness. I am lonely",Depression +22962,"But I am too much of a pussy to do it myself. I want some external force, fate, to do it for me.I was a mistake, a failed experiment simply born in the wrong timeline. I got to the point of being bedridden. I am sick of having a conscience of thinking of others. Stop this shit, God. Fucking do it already. And if you are not willing to fucking tell me why I am here then you do not fucking exist. Fucking fag. Ready to die",Suicidal +22963,"Well, not really an ugly treatment, but it is just too discomforting. Even strangers sometimes make comments about me as I pass by. not too rarely, the treatment I get from people (especially, girls) that have about the same age as mine, really differs.And as many as 0 girls (actually, one in middle school, but I was too much of an incel and a crybaby to do anything about it) have ever taken an interest in me.while (I do not want to be the one who says """"waaaaa ma friends get da pussy while I do not "", but yeah, as I said, it is really discomforting.) quite a lot get interested in my friends. ""looks are not everything, you can overcome this ""problem"" with confidence!"" probably true, but my confidence level is at the same height as the burj khalifa upside down, and the treatment I have gotten during my life certainly has not helped in this.I am also really short, probably even shorter than 5'7. And that has an even bigger impact on general treatment (and opinion) from people.I excel at nothing. just slightly better grades than average.I... do not know what to do.p.s. I am 16, so my chances of growing even a little bit more just to be average height are basically none. ugly people get ugly treatment.",Suicidal +22964,"Its sad, but its a fact. If it was not for video games I would have taken my own life ages ago. Its the only thing I have tbh only thing that keeps me genuinely happy. All the upcoming games makes me excited and happy and makes me want to continue living to be able to experience them. Only thing that is keeping me alive is gaming",Depression +22965,I see fast food managers making more and it makes me want to end it. I wasted my fucking life. My only regret if I kill myself whioe in Texas will be that I cannot traumatize the university that I wasted my best years at by painting their atrium with my brains. $44k as an IT manager in a major city,Depression +22966,"I do not think I can do this anymore. I just literally do not care at all. I have heard so much advice. I have received so much help. I just do not care. I am tired. Waking up in the morning is pure dread. I do not even care that much about what will come afterwards. people will be sad, I know. But I am sad. I do not deserve to be sad. I do not deserve any of this. It just does not matter anymore Suicidal",Depression +22967,"I wish there were people around me who cared,,, it is also to test to see if anyone would care if I were to go through with offing myself, but no one has ever cared when I stopped posting on my social medias or went silent for a few days,, I get ignored like alwaysI do not isolate myself like that often, maybe once every few months, but it is made me realize that people would be better without me, and my passing would not really affect anyone. Which I am glad it would not, so I would feel a lot less guilty. I am not trying to be dramatic or an attention seeker, I just want to see who actually cares and who does not. But it does not seem like anyone really does Maybe this is meant to happen. I have had the urge to isolate myself to see who would care but I know no one would",Suicidal +22968,Everything is in the titleIf anyone has any advice Ill take it. How do I cheer up a person who feels empty and wants to die ? I feel so useless,Depression +22969,I have a severe eating disorder but I have been in recovery for a few months because of it and I ended up gaining some weight in recovery. Went to school yesterday for my exams and someone brought it up and the second I got home I relapsed. I cannot even take a comment on my weight without wanting to die wow I am such a fucking failure holy shit,Suicidal +22970,"The last time I tried to kill myself was a little over six months ago. Since then I have not spoken to any of my friends. None of them have bothered to check on me. ""Friends"" I guess I do not even know what that means, but I do know now that I do not matter. I used to think it was disrespectful for people to wait until you are dead to finally show up and act like you were some valuable part of their life. Everyone dresses nice. They talk about how great you were. there is comforting and crying, rather they really liked you or not. But to actually get to see that no one would even come to your funeral, that hurts. That really hurts. I woke up the next day still alive and no one cared. And the day after that, still alone. Too embarrassed to reach out for help. The days passed and the people that were most important to me had not reached out to me either. I was essentially dead. I stopped going to work. I cannot face anyone that might know what I tried to do. Again. Over six months have passed. My girlfriend either does not know what happened or has pretended not to. I cannot talk to her about it. She does not understand any kind of depression. She thinks you just turn it off and decide to be happy. Well she is happier now anyway. She never likes my friends. She does not want me to have anyone else. it is been very noticable these past months how much happier she is since I have not spoken to anyone.So I fake it. I pretend I am fine. We cook the meals. We say the ""I love you""s. We do the road trips. The weeks go on and I am alone. I hide the pain. I suppress the anger. I distract my self with little projects that I do not even care about. And I drink a lot. It dulls the constant anxiety. I have to drink when we go hang out with her friends to bury the hatred I feel that she gets to enjoy the company of the people she chooses. So I keep drinking and pretend I do not want to scream. I pretend that I am not jealous of every other person I see. I drink even more to forget how embarrassed I am just being me so I can try to act like I belong there when I know I do not. I do not belong here. I am just waiting. Always hoping something else will accomplish the task that I have been incapable of. Just waiting to die. And it is not even so much that I want to die as it is that I sure as hell do not want to go on living. So I just keep waiting, lying to everyone and pretending I am fine. there is no purpose in posting this. I just needed to put it out there. I need to vent.",Suicidal +22971,"I have found through personal experience that isolation causes false thinking, reduced social skills, reduced confidence and as a result of false thinking, depression. I have devolved through prolonged isolation to the point of muttering words to new people. Too anxious to accept hospitality or to interject appropriately in a conversation.There is a saying to the effect of - the mind is a loaded gun and the individual has no protection against it.I often fantasize about giving away everything I own and moving to the other side of the earth. Detached from any connections, free to disappear into the abyss. CBT has shown me somewhat how to talk back to my thoughts. I need more practice however. 2 sessions is not enough.Carol Dweck suggest talking back at the thoughts, to argue for the truth. To examine the accuracy of what is being said to yourself.When life is going well, life is precious. When life is going poor, life is a curse. False thinking",Depression +22972,Idk if this is the place for this but I have been struggling with doctors and scheduling. My appointments keep getting pushed or moved to times I cannot attend and now they will not fill my prescription because it is been too long. They will not even let me see another dr with a more open schedule since I would need to do an exit interview with my current one. it is been over a month since I have had any meds and I will not be able to get in for another 4+ months. I have tried calling every dr and care service in my area and no one can fill that type of stuff. I am just desperate and at the end of my line. there is just too many hoops to jump through in order to get care. Struggling to get medication,Depression +22973,"my episodes are getting worse and it feels suffocating. i almost want to get help but my therapist was so proud of me when i was doing ok. i do not want to see how sad she looks when i say I am not ok. i do not want to see how sad she will look when i say i was assaulted again and do not feel safe in my own home. how i feel like its my fault because i let him in my room. and how the one person i tried to open up to told me it was my fault and shamed me because i could get stds. I am sitting at work, all i could do was get myself here, i cannot even get myself to groom a single dog today. i feel heavy (tw sa)",Depression +22974,its been years why do i still miss him so much. i thought that at this point id be over his death but hes still all i think about. how do i even remember him i was so youngi hate fathers day and i hate every holiday i cannot spend with him. my family was so happy with him aroundi just want to see him again. my heart hurts i miss him so much,Suicidal +22975,"This week me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up. We have animals together so its tough. As soon as I came home I found my hamster very ill, took him to the emergency vet, but he unfortunately died today. I almost do not believe I am surviving this. I do have a lot of childhood trauma that gets triggered by relationships ending. My depression is getting deep, but what keeps me living and not hurting myself is that I bulit myself a support net this year. I have my therapist who is available in time of crisis, for the first time I have built solid frendships where I can count on people actually being there. My ex is my friend and still very emotionally supportive. that is what keeps me alive for now, but I am still really struggling. Had worst week ever",Depression +22976,"No matter how hard I hit myself (cannot cut anymore) it will not go away. My head is killing me. I wish I was not cared about so I could die, I really do wish that. Why will not the pain stop",Suicidal +22977,"I am exhausted. every day i open my eyes and feel a pit of anxiety open in my chest, disappointed that i woke up again. i just do not want to do this anymore. struggling",Suicidal +22978,Pls I need someone to talk too pls guys help PLS TALK TO ME,Depression +22979,"I think about killing myself most days, its my first thought when i wake up, comes into my head several times a day, but i still have not done it yet. I was raised christian and taught that suicide is a sin and if i was to kill myself i would go to hell, and hell scares me more than anything. I do not want to live anymore but i do not want to spend eternity in hell, will my feelings ever change. Anybody else struggling with this? Maybe Ill finally do it one of these days, but right now I am just too scared Suicide prevented by religion",Depression +22980,"Every time I open up and actually try talking to someone, I feel like it was a horrible mistake and I should have never been honest or allowed myself to be vulnerable. I struggle with rejection, fixate on what is wrong with me, and then I question the motivation of anyone who actually wants to spend time with me. What do they gain from this? Is it simply pity that motivates them? I think the reason I feel so disgusted with myself (part of it anyway) after I share my feelings with people is that I have basically blown my cover and revealed myself as being horribly insecure, unhappy, and unstable making me about as unappealing as possible to be around. it is a cycle of despair; I feel alone, reluctantly confide in people, and time after time, watch those people disappear. I return then to this fixation on my flaws and ultimately, arrive at the conclusion that I need to suffer in silence or at best, in anonymity. How do people live like this? A feeling of overwhelming shame and disgust for being vulnerable",Depression +22981,Can anybody talk with me? I do not want to die,Suicidal +22982,"I have had depression since I was 12. I do not have motivation nor energy even for the things I like. I have a smothering relationship with my parents. I am almost 27 years old, with no reason to live, no relationships, and no money. I want to escape and live somewhere else. I will find a dead-end job and find an apartment. No one understands nor tries to understand what I am going through. For everyone else, the solutions are straightforward. Move out, see a therapist, take anti-depressants, get a job, meet new people, read books on self-help, learn to love me more, learn from my mistakes. I have done several of those things. Will doing all those things together heal me? I feel depression will never leave me. it is always been there, talking very loudly or softly at times. No one really tries to talk to me and understand. Everyone just judges me as an irresponsible, lazy, inmature, naive, silly, introverted, boring, square person. No one tries to understand and even if they did, no one can help me.The person in my life which I loved the most broke up with me. She did not love me. And she is better off without me. She confessed how she did not break up with me earlier because of how I would react and be afterward. She was right and I feel like shit and it is not just the breakup. I have tried meditation, no contact, therapy, books, hobbies, introspection, you name it. I am not worthy of love or understanding. I know she knew she did not like who I am. I cannot do anything about that. But no one has ever liked me. that is why I have no friends. that is why the unending cycle of rejections of everyone, including family members.What I hate the most is that I just want that person who broke up with me to reach out. But that will not do any good. Even if she really did love me, like me, and cared, it would not change anything. Am I better off dying? I ask myself this question every day. My presence in people's lives has only hurt it. I have nothing but prove. it is like having a terminal disease. I just destroy everyone around me as I slowly die because I have no convictions, will, desires and goals. But I cannot choose to kill myself. I cannot stand the thought of dying. I want to live. I want to want to be better. But that is just it, I would like to have the desire to be better. Deep down I want peace, to be understood and love, but that does not cure depression. I have even taken medicine in the past. Nothing has helped. I am useless, worthless, just meaningless. I do not want to live anymore",Depression +22983,"I am really upset today. Life is too much for me, its like there is no meaning at all to life. I do not work, I do not really have hobbies, I barley have friends, I seem kind of entitled sometimes with my family and I am tired of myself and this world. I do not see why its a problem for me to die. I understand it will emotionally hurt people but I am emotionally hurting everyday because of mental illness and I am tired of it. I just do not see the point. No point",Suicidal +22984,"Its the closest I have been in years. I went to visit the city I was supposed to move to with my ex, walked around and looked at the life I was supposed to have. It hurt so badly to just be walking around thinking about the dreams I had and the life I was building. The dreams dead and it feels like I am too. I started writing the notes for my family and my best friend, and tried to find the words to apologise for what I was going to do. I was so ready to let go. Then my brother messaged me, and I remembered it was his birthday and I felt like the worst piece of shit in the world for being about to turn that day into the anniversary of something awful for him. I went home and cried until there was nothing left to cry out and slept. I cannot destroy them like this. I know I need to hold on. Its so fucking hard to hold on. I almost attempted on Tuesday",Suicidal +22985,"I feel like dying, i do not know how to explain things, i really need someome to talk to Someome to talk to",Depression +22986,"Everything is just shit. Life gives me lemons, I try making lemonade and it turns out the lemons were infected with parasites and now I have parasites. that is how it feels like. I have chronic suicidal thoughts. They gave me that diagnose because I have had suicidal thoughts since I was six. Most of the time they are just there, I am used to them. But sometimes they are more than just there. Right now they are they are big time. My psychiatrist and psychologist knows, I am on strong sedatives and sleeping medicine atm and they have made notes in my papers if I go to the ER so they take me seriously. But I feel like it does not matter. I can maybe get a few days with rest, but the world will continue to beat me down. I have been through a lot of trauma the last few days and it will take a long time to recover. I cannot handle it. they are giving me all the support I can get. I have always felt like I do not belong in this world. It feels like the world is trying to prove it by putting me through so much shit. I have always felt there was something else waiting for the beyond. That I was dumped here by accident. That feeling only gets stronger when my life just constantly beats me down. The World is against me",Suicidal +22987,"I have a good life but I am just not happy. Nothing excites me or really bring me joy anymore. I feel like I am living just to keep living and that is it. I do not want anything anymore. I want to want something, anything. The only time I feel semi ok is when I am asleep. I imagine death is peaceful like sleep but without the dreams. If the rest of my life is going to be as dull and pointless as it is now then why continue? I just do not want to be here anymore",Suicidal +22988,"I fucking hate my life and I should not. great friends, a good school, a college scholarship, but it never works. I still make all these mistakes and it is always relayed to me by my dad and I just want to fucking end it. I cannot fucking do this any longer it hurts NNNN . I have therapy tomorrow and I just really need a gun and a bullet I am in Texas I should be able t o get one quickly. I cannot even be on my phone with out my dad yelling at me about how my 9th grade report card was shitty. I want to post my own address I do not care anymore I just cannot do this it hurts&#x200B;I do not care my religion anymore islam never did anything for me. if god is great than why am I In pain for so long. nnurfrjbI;m out go breath&#x200B;I am typing too fast I do not want to fit all of these mistakes&#x200B;May dad told me he wished I were dead and that he wished he never had a son&#x200B;I told him I am suicidal and he threaten to run me over with his car&#x200B;fwiowrglrwewgegw;fvl; my dad cyst brought up all my past mistakes, and that razor over there looks perfect (15M)",Suicidal +22989,"I have always heard people say ""the world is cruel"" ""this world does not care about you"" which is very true no doubt so then why am I expected to suffer here then If I never asked to be brought here in the first place?? I am sorry if my grammar is terrible I am still learning english I never asked to be born in the first place",Suicidal +22990,"I just cannot do it, when I am not utterly zoned out or doing something that takes up my brain it gets too much, I do not know what is real and what is my own anxieties being exaggerated to the breaking point. I feel like I am losing my mind, I do not know how people can just think all the time and not feel like curling up and crying until you work up the nerve to finish yourself off. I am just barely pretending to function anymore and I cannot go much longer I want to stop thinking",Suicidal +22991,"I am turning 17 in a month and i feel like I have lost my childhood. God I cannot even remember days when I felt happy, the last time was probably when I was 12. I have no purpose, no hopes or dreams, absolutely no reason to want to be here anymore. I want to get help but the antidepressants I have been prescribed do not help at all. Days blend into each other and I cannot remember anything, i have no appetite anymore and everything just feels so grey. My only concern at this point is finding someone who can take care of my pet rats properly. I think I want to die",Depression +22992,"So i have relied on other people my entire life so much that i pretty much forgot how to rely on and love myself, i finally realised that was my problem and I am doing somthing to fix it. As the kind people here suggested, i should start being independant, I am going to try to isolate myself from my friends and just mainly focus on self improvment, hopefully i succeed, if i do not well it just proves i cannot do anything right. I am taking the rest of my summer break to isolate myself and try to learn to love myself again",Suicidal +22993,I have been having a very low week. I was excited to get a coffee at a new shop. I struggle already with social anxiety and everything else so its very hard for me and I try everyday to come out of my she will. I arrived at the place and sat down while I placed my to go order on the mobile app. I got a coffee and a bagel. There was a place to leave a note for the baristas so I asked if they could include a plastic knife for the bagel. I just put with knife in my order that was it! As soon as I place it I overhear all 3 employees behind the counter laughing and making fun of the person who placed the mobile order. They start saying omg you guys this person just said WITH KniFe gehehehe they were laughing like it was the funniest thing they have ever heard. They start saying the customer is stupid and going on and on. They then say do not forget guys WITH knife customers are so stupid I get up and go directly to the counter and I say something like thank you guys so much for making my day. I heard every single word. Thank you for making fun of me. You must be so proud of yourself I stormed out. did not even get my drink or food. I am writing a complaint to the company. I know this may sound small to some but I am so sensitive and I went there because I thought it was safe. Now I feel like an absolute idiot because I asked for a to go knife with my order. I already struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Its not okay to just make fun of strangers whether you know they are there or not. You have no idea what others are struggling with I just needed to vent. I feel so stupid now Employees made fun of me,Depression +22994,"2 months passed since I last talked to her and blocked her, and she came around to invite me over, I do not know why and I do not understand why I did it to my self but I allowed her to come back and I allowed my self to go see her, the memories came back about how she made me feel and how happy I was to have her around me, but now I feel regret, like I failed my self and moral code to live my life happily and cut those out that do not deserve me.Honestly feel kind of self destructive going back and seeing her, maybe I should block her again and just lose her completely, but I am not sure what to do, but I am content with not talking to her if she messages me again and just ghosting her completely, like I said in the first post, I deserve love affection and some sort of compassion, some kind of effort, if you are not willing to give that to me then what is the point of having me around.. I can find a million reasons to be thankful for who she is and her being in my life, but now after being there that night I did not sleep at all I basically laid there wide awake with my eyes closed unable to sleep because my mind was racing too much to get comfortable It breaks my heart but at the same time I do what I have to to help my self survive, I am not going to be someone is fucking toy, I am human and I am legit tired of the BS.. thank god I see my counselor today because Id probably do something stupid if I was not Little update",Depression +22995,"Stop being lazy, life is so fun. Think of all the amazing things in life, antidepressants were created by big pharma to drug you, just throw them away and be happy. I get sad sometimes aswell but it is not thay bad, depression is just a little problem. There are starving kids in africa, be grateful.And the sad thing is that people do not even realize that all of this is so annoying, they think that it is good advice. How to annoy someone with depression (tutorial)",Depression +22996,"I just turned 20 and noticed my hairline receding rapidly , I am freaking out and l have no clue what to do, I used to think I was safe because I had thick hair like my mom which her side of the family is good. I literally cannot sleep at night knowing ill be a full egg head one day and taking showers/looking at my bed sheets is severely depressing seeing all the hair go. I am still young why the fuck is this world so cruel? balding at 20 literally end my life",Depression +22997,"All I can feel is sadness. I do not like myself.I am alone.I want to be happy, I want to have someone. I do not know who I am anymore.",Depression +22998,"I lied about having a degree in which I dropped out in final year and this one lie which I stupidly made in a idiotic moment is killing me mentally. Its the fact I have gone along with it for so long and also the fact I am pretty sure people know its a lie although no one has confronted me. I have literally been having sleepless nights over this and its not something small, friends could completely lose trust with anything I say over this. I just want to disappear, I really hate the way my mind works. Any advice? Dishonesty making me depressed",Depression +22999,"My mother (50F) has been living in the apartment (that she and my father owns) for 2 years. The apartment is definitely a downgrade from the last apartment (rented) we lived in 2 years ago. It was in a more posh and quiet area while this is in the outskirts near a highway. However, this has all the amenities and is in no way a bad place to live in.My mother has always complained a bit about the sounds of vehicles and how hot it gets in the summer in this apartment because we stay on the top floor however, for the past 2 months she has become incredibly irritated with it. She cries about how much she hates it and how much she regrets buying the apartment. We have air-conditioned it for her comfort but she still gets anxious about anything and everything. She was recently diagnosed with very high levels of Thyroid and she has been suffering from insomnia and fever every day for the past few months which can explain a lot of the discomfort but it seems like she will not find peace until we move which is not feasible for us and she knows it and becomes more regretful for complaining.I think my mother misses our last apartment because it was bigger and the whole family (me, my brother, my father, and my mother) lived together there. She knows I will have to leave once I get a job and unlike some of her friends whose children are home due to the pandemic, my brother still works and lives in a different city although he is working from home there. Recently I and my parents visited him and stayed at his place for about a week my mother really liked the fact that we all were together for a week and she said she felt because of the cooler weather in his city even though his home was a mess. She was dreading coming back home and now that she is home, I see her shaking and crying. I have tried to talk to her but she tells me that I will not understand what she is going through and it was her mistake that she agreed to move to this apartment in the first place. My dad and I do not know what to do anymore. We cannot move because of money issues.Could it be depression? I do not think she is open to get professional help so is there any way I and my family could help? Is she associating her home with bad memories? We used to move every 2 to 5 years because of my dad's job so is that a way she has been coping with bad memories for the last 25 years and now she cannot because my dad has retired and this is supposed to be her permanent home? My mother hates the apartment she lives in. Is it because of depression?",Depression +23000,"I have thought of suicide since 17. First because I did not like the idea of becoming an adult with responsibilities and stuff, and then because I hate growing up, becoming older every year. The idea of reaching 30 frightens me so much. You get 30 then 40 then 50. No please. I hate the idea of getting old",Suicidal +23001,"Just the feeling of having no family and no friends. Long before I started actively feeling suicidal and pushing people away, it became abundantly clear that nobody was actually looking out for my best interests, that nobody wanted me around, that if I did anything to help myself, be myself, or try to get out of this hole that existential, physical, and social depression put me in, it would be met with punishment. So I started pushing people away. Anyone who stuck by did so for amusement. it is never been funny to me so I do not see much of a way out besides certain death. I tried speaking my truth but it has never been worth it. Nobody wants me to be alive. I guess I stopped being useful a long time ago. The thought of being useful now makes me feel even depressed, disgusted. There is no way out. The light stopped shining a long time ago. I get told to give up everywhere I go, by everything that happens to me, and the expressions of people all around me. If my existence is such a nuisance, I might as well kill myself. I tried telling this to friends and it was just a joke to them. Where I live, I am told I do not exist, or should not. I feel dead already. I have not been spoken with in such a long time. I am about to give up. What really does it",Suicidal +23002,"Its the 8th consecutive day of thinking about ending myself,i mean,at day,I am alright,i think,but when the night comes,I am really thinking about killing myself,and i feel soo lonely,i cried every night these 8 days..I am really fucking tired,my girlfriend is mad at me because i did not clean her appartament even though i said i would,and she is ignoring me the whole day,the only person id talk to so i can be better and not think about ending myself,is ignoring me and talking to me soo god damn dry,i think the only reason I am not killing myself is to not make other people suffer,but one day ill think ill do it,I am tired of feeling like this,i want to be happy,at least one day a week,i feel loved,happy,at least one day a week.Idk man,honestly,right now,i just want to go in the woods,and hang myself..I am tired honestly.. I honestly do not know why i feel like this..",Suicidal +23003,I regret the dumb shit I did. I do not know why I did it. I am better than that. I am judging myself from afar. Honestly hate myself,Suicidal +23004,why this had to end like this grew up in an abusive familywith little to no financial support from parentsi cannot take it anymore i might do it tonight,Suicidal +23005,I know god loves me but I want a fucking human to like me. I want to know that is is possible for someone to love me. I mean I do not have a reason to live and do not have anybody to live for either. I used to cut myself a lot and I stopped. but when I get depressed af that is all I want to do and do not know how long I can stop myself. I do not have any other coping mechanisms. HELP ME what is the reason for me being alive,Depression +23006,"I think this is it. I have wanted to kill myself since about the time I realized it was an option. I used to think that suicide was the glowing exit sign in a movie theater were the film was bad, but not quite bad enough to leave. Well, it is been bad enough to leave for a while now and I just have to get out of my chair and go. I am thinking Sunday night, one weekend to hangout with friends and say my goodbyes. I do not think I can leave a note, there is too much to say and never enough words to say it. there is nothing I can put to paper that would make my family understand and accept my choice and it hurts too much to think about. it is selfish, it is cowardly, it is pathetic, but I cannot keep doing this shit. I am so sorry to everyone this is going to hurt, hopefully in time it will bring you peace to know I am not suffering any more. I think I am done.",Suicidal +23007,"I do not understand how anyone can say that life is a gift ?Like holy shit moron did you actually ever stopped for a second to take a look at how we are all living ? So hey let me just enumerate some reasons why life really sucks :\-First of all most of your ""free"" time does not actually belong to you. you are born in this shit-ass world and then adults just throw you against your will in elementary school and then high school just so the teachers there can brainwash you, in other words transform you into a submitted and obedient wage-slave while you are young so that you are ready to get into the workforce later on once you are 18. And well eventually you can also keep up the brainwashing even further, if that is pleasing you, in university.\-And hey i just forgot a detail, if you dare display any difference from the other kids, no matter how small and insignificant it is, you might aswell get bullied and beaten on early on in life, are not that a great thing !\-And then once you become an adult yourself you are going to live your life with all the accumulated trauma during childhood and adolescence if you were unlucky enough to endure any of it. Now you will get to enjoy the magnificent modern capitalist society and lifestyle that the sociopaths/psychopaths at the top are forcing us to live in. You will now waste your time at a job and a company you do not give a shit about for at least 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for 45+ years until you are too old to work anymore, and then you are going to slowly rot away at a retirement home because you do not have any energy left to do anything you actually enjoy...And of course if you dare display any symptoms of anxiety or depression during your life, which quite honestly, seems like a PERFECTLY reasonable way for anybody to react in the face of this boring DySTopIa we are living in, at best people are going to tell you to go and see a psychiatrist/therapist, because of course the average NEURO-FUCKING-TYPICAL person is actually perfectly well-adapted to this garbage-tier system and actually SOMEHOW never really suffered from it.Or if you are unlucky enough, people are going to call you ""crazy"" ""lazy"" ""ungrateful"" and what other adjectives to describe you are ""shitty"" behavior. I mean wow, you are such an ungrateful piece of shit dude, you should be proud that the CEO psychopaths at the top are giving us the opportunity to slave our time and our lives away for their company !I swear to fucking god, there is not a single second, minute, or hour that I am not spending on this fucking earth wishing to kill myself and most of all that i was never born in the first place, because if i knew that i would be living in this shitty capitalistic system, it would have been way better and less painful if someone took a fucking axe and just sliced me inside my mother's belly.Everyhing in this fucking life sucks from my point of view. Our way of living sucks, people suck, hell even i suck for being this fucking depressed everyday, I am so fucking tired of it. Nobody is going to be able to fix me ever again, I am too fucking broken and it is too fucking late for it, because I am a 27 year old loser who never really integrated properly in this shithole, never had a girlfriend, never had friends, only thing i have is a fucking job i hate and my parents that i also fucking hate because they do not understand any of this shit when I am talking to them about this. Great so the only options left for me is to either suicide, or talk to a therapist, what a great way to be living life hey. I am legit not having a good time in this fucking life",Depression +23008,"I am sorry for putting this burden onto you. I am telling you because you are the best thing to have happened in my life, you all are. I am sorry you had to know my plans, I thought if i told you early, you can come to terms with it sooner. I am sorry i was not there enough as a friend.I am sorry for being angry and blaming you internally for giving me trusts/commitment issues. I am sorry I lost the reason to live for you. I tried telling myself that you were not taught how to communicate emotionally and that you had a bad family along with an abusive and violent husband in the past. I hope you know that i never blamed you for being a bad mother, I am sorry because I cannot seem to stop myself from blaming your actions that caused me pain, hurt, disgust and shame. I am sorry i got angry and hury that you forgot I attempted suicide before.I am sorry for suddenly being so hot and cold to you. You doted on me since young but i cannot forget the words you said and the physical pain you gave me. I am sorry for being angry at the bias-ness you show to my brother and not to me. I am sorry for keeping so many things from you. I did not knew how to tell you and even though you are less violent now, I was still scared of what you might do.I am sorry that i became a parasite, I am sorry for putting so much financial strains onto you. If I would knew this had happened, i would not have allowed myself to be admitted into a psychiatric ward.I am sorry that I fell in love with you and made you return my feelings. It was unfair to you, i should not have done that. I hope you can continue to love again after I am gone. Please, love is not impossible for you and I want to be your guardian angel, I want to protect you because I still love you from the bottom of my heart. Please do not stop loving, I am sorry for causing you pain.I am sorry that thought control/breathing techniques and therapy no longer works for me. I am sorry i cannot hold on any longer. it is been more than a decade, I am tired. I am sorry i do not see a reason to live anymore, I am sorry for wanting to die.I hope after all this, you all can still remain content. I am sorry for wanting to be the stars in the sky. I am sorry for being selfish.I am sorry for leaving. I am sorry for asking so much.So please, at least grant me this selfish wish of death...okay? Sorry to the many ""you"" in my life.",Suicidal +23009,Its hard to move one when things were so great just 3 weeks ago. The past is the only real bright side. I hate that I cannot go back. Regret and betrayal is killer. Naivety too. Its so hard to see the bright side,Suicidal +23010,"I had to interact with some people in person earlier. So I worked myself up into this sort of manic state trying to be happy and answer everything with a joke, and now I feel fucking empty. All I can hear in my head is that it would be nice to take the rope I am hiding and finally get some rest. I really want to cut but my latest sharp knife cut 'confiscated' some one to distract me would be helpful if anyone has the time. Trying to stay positive today but I am cracking.",Suicidal +23011,"What I do not understand is that when I am working/distracted, everything seems fine and then when I have nothing to do, walking on the street or just hanging, I am depressed. Is this a common thing? Relaxing causes depression",Depression +23012,"I know there is a hotline out there but I cannot ever bring myself to call it. I have been having a really tough time over the last few months. I was homeless for a little over a year during the height of the pandemic. I was sleeping on the local trail. I finally found a job with the Census and then, eventually, USPS. I moved to a different city and landed an apartment (with help of a local organization). Through it all, I did not have any support. My family (the ones I know of) have been dead and gone for years. Not that they would have been that much anyway. When I finally found a place to live and a job,, I thought things would be a lot better for me. However things just keep getting worse. Through my time being homeless, I developed bad insomnia. it is hard being a woman and homeless. I had people try to take advantage of me. I have had people try and bring me to their level (addiction; criminal activity), but I just kept my head down and to myself. I moved into this apartment where there was a trail of trash on both sides of the hallway, no hot water, drug dealers on the floor, no a/c and barely any heat, and landlords that are complete scum. You know I thought anything was better than the situation that I got out of, but I was wrong. The job that I had ended a while ago and I am struggling to find a stable job. I can only find contract work, but I am still able to make my rent. I have not really scratched the surface of everything that is going on.I found a grant that will help pay for me to go to school for an AS degree. I haven enrolled, but I just do not know if it is even worth hanging on. Nothing ever works out for me. NOTHING. I feel so much pressure constantly. I feel anxious and depressed and I feel like I just do not want to move forward. I still cannot sleep. I have made an appointment to try and get some help, but I do not know if I will go. what is the point? I really think I am bipolar with PTSD or something. I do not want to feel this way or anything anymore. what is the point",Suicidal +23013,"I am not really good at communicating myself very well so I really apologize in advance. Every single day seems to be either me working and on weekends just doing nothing. If I do go out, it is me being alone. I have tried reaching out with people, tried to do meetups, tried to do whatever to get friends but nobody includes me in anything. To be honest, I am the most boring, ugly, and mundane person ever without any notable skills or hobbies so I really do not blame them for not wanting to include a deadweight like me around. This is something my entire life has been like. The very few friends I have had growing up have all moved on and do not talk to me anymore. One even ghosts me. The people I know online avoid me. In fact, I know they do. I just recently I learned they had a group chat without me because I am that bad. I just remembered that last year when I lost my job, I posted my suicide note on my social media went out to the store and was as very close to buying a gun. I was so close but I chickened out at the last second. When I got home, I got one message and they were more upset than concerned. Next time will be different and I am not going to chicken out. I promise that. I do not go out with people and nobody wants me around do do stuff with. If I do go out, I do everything alone. I even go out of my way to hide my face because I am very unpleasant to look at.Why am I on here complaining really? Nothing is going to change. Nobody is going to read this and nobody is going to cry when I am gone. Unable to connect with people and wasting my life away.",Depression +23014,"I just do not understand why it is so difficult for me to just, breathe and be okay however I am... My past traumas just attack me endlessly and that ruins my present. Hence, making me want to not look forward to my future. I have so much to write but I do not know where to start. I am not sure if saying it all anonymously is going to help me at all. I just feel empty. And as I am writing this, I hope I do not wake up tomorrow. I just want it to end. I am 23 now and I am tired. I do not want to live anymore, neither do I want to kill myself. I have tried that 3 times already, I gave up on it as I have failed 3 fucking times. LOL.Jokes on me. I do not know if I should tell everything, but I have only joined this community because I know I am fucked up. And sharing it with my family will not make a fuckin difference. There were many times I tried hinting it at them, that ""hey, I am fucked up. I do not want to wake up tomorrow. Is there any way my family can help me?"" They brushed it off. Lol. To my family, depression is not even real. it is all the devil's work.That makes my work short, because I know putting in effort there is just waste. If anyone reads this post, let me know if it is okay for me to share what reasons made me the way I am today. And if it is a bother, please do not use harsh commands. Just be civil about it and I will get it straight. Thanks Why is it so hard to accept whatever there is in life?",Depression +23015,"I wish there was a way I could just start my life over again, before I destroyed my body with my eating disorder and made so many mistakes. I have spent the past 2 days fantasizing about something impossible",Depression +23016,"I seriously cannot cope anymore, I just really need a way out. I have nothing to live for and i cannot keep living in constant mental pain like I am losing my mind more and more everyday. It does not make it easier that I am alone and have no one. I am sick of crying everyday and wishing that i was not here. I am tired. i cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +23017,"My life was shit all the time. When I was a kid, everybody hated me, mocked me, beated me and dismissed me. I got mocked and beated by my alcoholic father every day and night too. I am so ugly, skinny fat and very big nose. I do not have friends, only one from highschool and but not really close. No girl have ever showed interest in me, 4 days ago I finally decided to stare a girl in the park for 15 minutes, she stared at me for a couple times too, I came a bit closer to her and she screamed what you looking at at my face. I walked away. People and girls become disgusted by looking at me outside. And like a joke my father and mother says I am really sexy and handsome. I never had nobody and nothing in this shit life I have. I just want to improve myself by getting a nose job and starting body building but guess what, I do not have shit to pay them. I became an alcoholic and a chain smoker now. I cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +23018,"I have always found this so demeaning. That its just life and its part of being human. It reminds me that I am weaker then everyone else for not coping. I am genuinely not sure if they are correct and I am just weak and I need to suck it up, but one things for sure I need to change my meds. I live in a loving and well off family so why am I not coping. Everyone goes through this, you are not special",Depression +23019,This is the second time in a month where I just forgot to set my alarm. By the time I woke up I was already 40 min late and when I clocked in an hour and 20. I hate how I am so forgetful and cannot even remember basic shit. I am not going to be able to get over this and my day is wrecked. Over an hour late to work this morning,Depression +23020,"I am not sure if the NSFW tag is needed but just in case this is sensitive I put it on.so this is basically since I have started uni I have been constantly down and for some reason, I cannot seem to bring myself to appreciate positive things even though in my head I know I should, but I do not know if its due to some kind of depression or due to my pretty unhealthy habits (caffeine and all-nighters mostly). Almost all of my friends say that I probably am depressed but while I do trust their opinions they do seem to over-assume when talking about me which I think is because of me over-exaggerating but I do not know I will not take any responses as a diagnosis or anything but I would like to hear from some people who know the difference between clinical depression and just being down.&#x200B;thanks in advance. \[: how do you REALLY know if you are depressed?",Depression +23021,I just want to give upI have never been enough for anyone and I am tired of trying to be.I am ready to dieit would be so much easier and so peaceful I am tired.I have no fight left in me,Suicidal +23022,"Where do I start. I am in my mid 20s, I come from an extremely repressive Muslim family and I still live with them, I have been set up in 4 failed arranged marriages, I am not allowed to leave the house wearing what I want, I am living with 2 disabled parents who neglected me my entire life that have done a whole lot to parentify me. My older sister escaped and ran away at 17, nearly ten years ago, and I wish I did the same but the burden and responsibility to take care of my parents fell on my hands from a young age of 16. I have no friends, no resources. My parents are both uneducated. My other family members get violent toward me. my rapist is in prison, and my stalker will not stop harassing me with false police reports. I also have broken a few hearts, so I am scared of my exes knowing where I live. Sometimes I am too terrified to leave the house. Since my parents are uneducated and never worked and only were on disability, raising us in poverty and never trying, I cannot ask them for career advice. I am the only one with a college education and I still have to thank my guidance counselors for helping me every step of the way but even then I was scared to be too needy/dependent and ask them for help because I was always abused growing up and my existence feels like a burden. Sorry for rambling. People tell me to get a job here, but people do not understand that a job means being trapped in that location. I tell people I want to work elsewhere, but they keep shutting me down telling me to start small where I live. But the desire to leave is urgent for my physical and mental well-being. My point is, People constantly tell me why do you want to work in ___? (Different state) you can just do that in New Jersey. Stay there. Be around your family. This is what makes my blood boil. Its hard to figure out how to tell people that this place is dead to me and Ill probably end up dying here, if I was to stay any longer. I do not know how to tell people that I am ready to move on and spread my wings, because there is this huge back story that nobody knows. I tend to hold the weight of this on my own. How can I do that? I want to mostly leave for my safety and for a new beginning. I cannot stay here much longer. Anyway to tell these people? I am horrible at communicating my points so this is why I need help. I want to leave, I am done living here. I wish others stopped telling me to stay.",Depression +23023,"But you gems already know that do not you.My mind is in a bad place. The kind only drugs can quickly relieve you from. I do not want drugs but I certainly understand why people use them.it is an excruciating pain. You cannot see it. You probably know it though. Your head is as of someone is squeezing it together. There might be a ton of bricks on each shoulder. there is a lump on your insides but Everything feel so hollow. And I am just so unbearably cold. I can barely sit up. there is no energy with my typing. Just being here hurts so fucking much. I almost want to will myself to death. I read you can do that. would not that be an inconvenience.Scratching my skin open just to distract myself would be nice to. do not want to upset though do we.I just want it to be over. I want it to be over. there is no point to my life or being here. I think I should have died a long time ago. Someone on the universe fucked up..to keep me here want me here for what. I have not felt anything remotely close to happiness since I can remember, years. I truly lost the desire to live strive for anything so long ago You made it all so much worse you know. Why tell you. You will not care, you will get over it. I do not want to be stopped. I could drive to your house to say bye. But I will not be because I know I do not matter to you. I wish you never were a part of my life.I would tell you all how I would do it but is not discussing methods bad. I cannot right now anyway. Though admiteddly that has become markedly less relevant over the years. Let someone else clean up. Or let them all meet each other and spout lies about me and how bad they feel while pilfering my things. Lol.I do not believe I will make it to work today. It is not time for sleeping forever yet. A sleeping pill too many I certainly hope knocks me out soon though. Some damage causes irreparable harm. A sorry heartfelt not felt what is the fucking difference, does not fix it.",Suicidal +23024,"I cannot help but think suicide is my only way out. I keep hurting myself and hoping that its just a dream, but it is not. Stress keeps mounting and I cannot stay on top of it. I cannot even do anything to stop it. I do not know what to do or what help anyone can even give me if I ask for it. cannot think clearly",Suicidal +23025,"I am fucking done,I am killing myself at 11:11.I have been cyber bullied for 3 years and bullied since kindergarten.I have been neglected and yet nobody does anything about it.I have had multiple conversations with people who try to help me even tho they do nothing.Saying its going to be ok is not comforting.I just want to be happy.Maybe my parents be happy to finally see I am gone at the time I came into this world,goodbye.I love you all Fuck life",Suicidal +23026,I feel hopeless. I have no mental energy to do anything. Would antidepressants help? Are antidepressants helpful?,Depression +23027,One of my friends friends are commiting suicide? Advice greatly appreciated Advice?,Suicidal +23028,"A long story short. I have a ton of student loan debt because I had no idea what I was doing and neither did my parents and now I have been in a huge mess for the past 8 years and I cannot take it anymore. I feel so invisible. No one talks about debt. My parents do not want to help. I have worked so hard to pay the bills and keep my head above water and feel like I have nothing to show for it because throwing the money at a useless degree that I did not even need. I get so jealous when I hear peoples parents paid for their college or help them. Why am I not deserving of my parents help? Why cannot I be like those lucky people who had smart parents who were looking out for them? Even if my parents could not afford $1 towards my education, I wish they guided me and told me the school I chose would be a huge mistake. Every day I wish I could go back in time and do it all over. I regret so much Constantly wanting to die because of money",Depression +23029,"I have a moderately demanding job with a fair amount of autonomy (I am a scientist) and I often need to be able to plan ahead and tell people when they can expect work to be done and then fit that work into my future schedule. I also have moderately severe depression and anxiety which massively fluctuates - I can be totally fine for a few months or a year, then semi-functional or dysfunctional for a few days, weeks or months. I am hoping for advice from other people with similar issues - how do you plan ahead knowing that you have a really variable work output and how to you change your scheduling when you are going through a worse, but still able to produce something, patch. I am reasonably open about my issues with the people I work with and with my manager, but there still a certain level of inflexibility, with external schedules that we all need to work to. I would really welcome any tips, no matter how minor, which can help with this. How do you plan and manage your work time?",Depression +23030,"I almost took my life not even 24 hours ago and no person in my life will know. I internalize my pain so much that I cannot do otherwise. I wrote my suicide note and it said ""Life is beautiful PEACE LOVE AND FREEDOM"" because to me that is just what matters in the end of the day and in the end of my life. I am only 20 and I am on my 5th suicide attempt. I have diagnosed CPTSD, clinical depression with psychotic tendencies, BPD and bipolar disorder and maybe I am schizoaffective but my doctor is trying to find a way to tell me about it in a way that will not make me panic or be sadder. I can tell in the way he asks me questions and the way he talks to my mother, that he tries to find a way to let her know too without making her panic or be sad. I know I need to get hospitalized but I cannot. I will not tell anybody about why I believe so but I say so because I am in the verge of an actual serious mental breakdown, not the one that people make memes about. I am close to going to my job, and throw all of the high end luxury desserts that take hours to make on the floor and start screaming my lungs out of fucking nowhere and just run outside and start running, I do not think I will because harm upon anyone but if I can even slightly feel that maybe I will then I absolutely WILL go to the hospital. I just want to be put on sedatives, and sleep all day. I want to feel like I am dead. I want to feel as if I do not exist anymore. I want the feeling of no one remembering me or thinking about me. I just want to be no one, I want to cease to exist. I want to cease feeling and hurting and mania and psychosis and crying loudly and panic attacks and anger and rage and sorrow and desperation I do not want to feel all those shitty feelings anymore. I do not want my memories anymore. I have CPTSD because I was raped three different times by different people. I have flashbacks sometimes, not as frequently as I used to. But when I do I scream and cry and hit myself and I just cannot be reasoned with and calmed down without sedatives. I cannot have sex with my boyfriend. Everything reminds me of it. The third time it was very violent. I got beaten and bled out of my ear. And that is why I hate bathrooms with green tiles. My doc says we can try EMDR and we sure can. He says we can try the electricity therapy which the name of I do not know in English. We can try ketamine therapy, and SSRI antidepressants and all those other new methods. Although I am done for. I do not think I can be saved. Keeping me from taking my own life is selfish at this point. I ache so badly I feel so fragile that I think if I walk out, the wind will take me away and I will scatter, like dust and sand. My body is so frail, I slowly become weaker and weaker each day physically and feel like I need help with basic self care. I cannot eat food. I do not want it. I just cannot even swallow it. My body does not allow me to give energy to myself. Yet I wake up every day at 5 am after working for 17 hours the previous day to get shouted at and belittled. And I work for all these hours with no breaks and no complaining. Today I cried in front of everyone. I have a sort of intimidating appearance, I have tattoos and my haircut is extreme and these people must have thought I am some badass but I am not. I cried today after attempting to take my own life a few hours before. They will never ever know. No one will. Soon, I will die in my own terms. Because this life, I just cannot take it in MY hands and do something. I am unable to because I am a weak little fucker. Thank you for reading. I hope your day is lovely. Idk",Suicidal +23031,"I have convinced myself. This is putting too much pressure on my current partner and incredibly selfish of me to do so. In a way I am unintentionally emotionally manipulating my boyfriend to stay with me even though these feelings are a 100% genuine. The sentiment is ""if he breaks up, I die. cannot see him move on and the pain is way too much to handle already. If he does not, I will make myself better and work through stuff (I do not feel the need to commit suicide then unless we fight and sometimes there is this underlying feeling that I have messed up way too much and the anxiety and depression and pain I have been going through has driven me to a point where I think nothing is fixable and I cannot deal with my present or live without my partner)""I need suggestions. Answers. Anything. I have no hope in life but I cannot even think of suicide. I cannot equate it with the relationship. Even if stuff gets worse I absolutely cannot do it. I cannot put that kind of pressure on my partner. If he wants to leave he should be able to. I have already told him this. I wish I had not. Because he might take decisions based off on this.How do I stop this feeling and how do I not equate it with the relationship? I have made up my mind about committing suicide in the event of a breakup",Suicidal +23032,"Really wish i could close my eyes and life would be gone and over so i donthave to wake up to another day of crap, should i just wait until after I have had my last little enjoyment of life or should i just get it done and over with now, sooner the better i guess Bed ridden for two days, hate waking to bs of life",Suicidal +23033,"For some days . I do not wanted to live or exist . Then yesterday i got a very high grade fever of 104 F . It break my body and mind . I felt what sick is being like . And I hated it . I contradicted myself . Process of dying is terrible . And i accept the fact that i do not have the enough courage to kill myself . I want depression of that level , where i am so desperate to stop existing that i do not feel any pain in dying , i do not think if something like this exist . PS : i am not suicidal . I am too weak , afraid to even think about it . I will soon delete this post . Alot of People Afraid of the pain of dying but do not want to live their life .",Suicidal +23034," TIL beginning in 2016, individuals afflicted by ""depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, or another mental health condition"" are covered by the ADA and entitled to protections such as the right to reasonable accommodations at work",Depression +23035,"I have been struggling with depression for a long time and now. I made a lot of self destructive decisions and I am losing everything that I felt my identity was made up of. I am alone, have no friends, a husband that hates me. I do not know where to go from here and I wish I did not have to do this anymore. My life feels like it is over",Depression +23036,"I self diagnosed myself as having mild depression and also mild anxiety.I feel empty and at times I am unmotivated to do many things but with my muscle memory, I drag myself to work and live life as how I normally would.There are times where I am feeling alright and there are times where the cycle just repeats.There are days where I just want to sleep my days out and not go out. And I do not like sharing these things with people who I care about. There are voices which keeps repeating horrible things which I know is far from reality.The only think I worry is that these moments keeps coming back more frequently. I am just afraid that it will become one with me.Thoughts? Do I have depression?",Depression +23037,"did anti-depressants help you guys? i figured that it was not really motivating a change in me, it felt more like a thought. like from some movies I have seen where the doctor prescribes them a medicine for the patients anxiety etc, but its actually made of sugar or glucose tablets, but the mentality of the patient that its going to help them eventually leads them to a better place because of a positive mindset that they are under the right medication. I have tried the therapist too, i had a few sessions but cancelled for two main reasons; it was a bit expensive and my parents were not super keen to pay the expense but still payed, and i felt horrible. and the other reason was the first 2 or 3 sessions helped a lot, no doubt, but the next few sessions were a bit repetitive, and then it was just a blur to me, i was having trouble concentrating at that point. i want to hear if it had a different effect on others. have a good night/day, take care <3 Anti-Depressants",Depression +23038,"Nah I just am there is no Redeeming qualities I know i posted here I am not looking for up votes I am shit. there is something wrong with me, I am aware and I am at this age with no friends. No matter the effort no matter Notting I am doomed Untill I I keel over I am a shit person",Depression +23039,2 weeks ago I wanted to write a big post. But now I honestly do not know what to say anymore. I am craving physical pain to avoid emotional pain I am losing hope again for the last 10 years,Suicidal +23040,"I hurt one of my friends 2 days ago. What I did was fucked up and they blocked me. Then called me a suicide baiter and in it I lost 3 friends total. I tried to convince myself to die today but I am so pathetic I cannot. Being that they blocked me I am sure they would be ok if I died seeing how an apology does not matter to them anymore. It might give them satisfaction. that is fine. Should I kill myself for being a ""suicide baiter""",Suicidal +23041,"I am 20, soon to be 21 and I just cannot handle life. I have been sleeping a lot lately. I go to bed at around 10 pm, wake up at 8 am and then go back to sleep at around 11 am or 12 pm. I then sleep until about 3 to 4 pm, and then the cycle continues. I have barely any money left and I am relying on selling some of my belongings in order to get money for my phone bills and food. I quit my last job due to the fact that I just did not have it in me to continue working in that environment: in an environment in which I felt like I was treated lower than everyone else working there. They did say that I was a good fit for the job, but I have a feeling they were lying, or they did not talk to the manager that oversaw my tasks at work, who I am pretty sure thought I was an idiot.. I am starting to believe him. At one point, it was functioning depression, but its not anymore. I eat poorly because of my depression: I eat way too much food: especially bad food. I went into town yesterday to get my meds, which only took about 2 hours. I came back and I was exhausted. It makes me think how I was even able to keep a job in the first place, if I cannot even go into town to get meds without being tired and fed up with life. The meds in question are anti-psychotics and anti depressants, since I hear voices and have delusions from time to time and have depression. Besides that, I have a hard time being a ""responsible"" adult. I put things off either because I am too scared of the outcome, or I just do not care enough to do it. I have been taking my meds on time and they helped for a while, but they do not help anymore. I just do not have the energy or the care to keep going with this life anymore. Sad part is, is that my life is not even that hard. I cannot handle life",Depression +23042,"I know, I thought that the way I am was completely normal and that everyone felt like it. I never realised that other people do not feel like this and can actually be happy consistently. Now that I have realised this it is giving me an insight into how sick I really am and I do not like it. I still do not fully believe it is real, I am still unsure. Not even sure why I am writing this, I am bored and my head is hurting so that is probably why. You know what is funny? I thought this was normal",Suicidal +23043,"I could do it. I want to do it. I have what I need to do it. And yet, I just lay here. So many uninterrupted hours. Plenty of time to do it. I am just scared of failing...So tired of existing Wanted: Courage",Suicidal +23044,"I am nothing.All I am is a person full of anxiety, hate and depression about everything in my life.I have done therapy, I have tried medication.At this point I do not even have the motivation to reach out, because my depression is so general, its just about knowing I have to wake up and feel SOMETHING each day. It does not even matter if that something is positive, its too much. I get overwhelmed so easily and Id rather just not feel anything at all, I just want to go. Empty",Suicidal +23045,its so hard living with this anxiety everyday i feel like I am struggling to survive. can barely breathe and feel like shit all the time. i just want this feeling to go away so i can feel normal again.. this is not a way to live.. i do not know how much more i can take :/ vent,Suicidal +23046,Where everything goes to shit but there is no plottwist and everyone actually does die and I am armin plus being mentally ill Feel like that one scene is season 1 aot,Suicidal +23047,"""Why should I apologize for being a monster? Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?"" --juuzou suzuya Follow us on ig @anime.sadsoul__ for more content like this",Depression +23048,"I do not even know what I should do anymore. I just want something to happen that would wipe me off this world. I thought getting my dream job would make me happy, I was just naive. I achieved that goal and I feel absolutely nothing. I have no other goal now. My one thing that I had to go on means nothing to me now. How stupid and foolish of me to think it would solve my suicidal ideation. I cannot imagine my life without it honestly. I really cannot imagine what life would be like without looking at every object and situation and think of all the ways it could kill me, its been my whole life and I wish I was joking. I just want a way to go away without hurting anyone but how ridiculous and egotistical of me to even think my absence would hurt anyone. I am so done...I have a lot that many wish for, I am privileged and very lucky but yet I every moment I just want to kill myself. How ridiculous. At the end of it all",Suicidal +23049,"Even planning your suicide is exhausting. I have to go through my Phone and delete all of my accounts, messages, tie up all of my loose ends, I have to close my bank account, I have to write notes for every single person that matters to me to let them know that this is not their fault. I have to clean my room, wash my clothes so my mother does not have to clean up everything after me. I have to throw out past suicide notes I have written because they are not accurate anymore, I have to clean everything. Wash my sheets, make my bed. I have to think of where to go and how to do it, without hurting anyone. I do not want anyone to find me bloody, I do not want anyone to be traumatized, I do not want my mom to find me, or my little brother to find me. I do not want first responders to see a mess. I just want to die without dying I do not know what to do anymore. Everything is so exhausting. Every thought, every breath, its so exhausting and I am tired. I am tired. I do not feel as if Ill ever be accepted by my family or if life will ever be what I dreamt of it to be. Or if Ill ever escape this pain. Ill never have the relationship I so achingly long for with them. My past will always define me, I did not ask for this. Even planning your own suicide is exhausting.",Suicidal +23050,"this is the community with most member that i follow, i just need someonei have not talked to basically anyone all day and I have only received like 4 notifications and only one was from a real personi just really do not know what to do I am crying, can someone talk to me?",Depression +23051,Hello....I am here once again wanting to kill myself and this time i hope its final i hope i do not get cold feet at the last time and finally manage to kill myselfI said before that I am struggeling finacialy for a while now and everyone a new probleme arises or I am to stupid and fuck myself over so i do not have and money not even for food for weeks now so i do not know what to do i do not have food shelters or anything in my country so its either i starve myself to death or kill myself rn and choose the latter....I am sorry...bye I am...killing myself I am rly tired...I just want to rest in peace...,Suicidal +23052,"The reason I am posting this is in r/depression is that NOBODY in any other place understands.Everybody asks ""well, what are your interests?"". Any nobody understands: I have been depressed for 13 years! Since I was 13. I am anhedonic and I have no interests! For years I tried so hard to find an interest, anything! But my brain just does not have any interests other than sleeping, browsing reddit, watching youtube.So I am asking here. But other than programming/IT, is there any profession that you can teach yourself? Thanks! I graduated a few years ago, but I really, really hate my field. And I am not willing to go back to university since I hated it so, so, so much (I am autistic so it was hell for me). But I am great at teaching myself, is there any profession other than programming/IT that I can teach myself?",Depression +23053,"I hate my life, I am so lonely I just do not want to be here",Suicidal +23054,"Sorry to sound pathetic... its how I am made to feel when I vent. I got drunk, blacked out and od.. woke up in the psych ward basically. I convinced them with lies that I was never suicidal to begin with and (lying) drank because its out of character for me. I am back to the self voice and obsessive thoughts of doing the same thing with something that would actually work. I suppose my trigger is the therapy session yesterday with my sex addict husband to do martial counseling. It brought forth everything I feel and its all overwhelming me at once. I cannot handle it. It may make me a weak person but fuck it, I already had issues with bipolar disorder among other things before he dragged me again and again through this for the last ten years. I have loved a she will and it was all a lie. *sigh* I am rather impulsive and I just act. It will be sudden, no note. God help me, I just want it all to end no matter how. Od'ed last month and back to feeling close to that edge again",Suicidal +23055,"I got nothing to live for. In my 30s working a job I do not like and do not care about. I am currently in bed and should have been logged in by now. I do the bare minimum to keep it, do not even want it. No one knows I exist except my parents. I think about just writing them a suicide note/email. Send it at like 1am when they will def be asleep and then they may not even see it for a day. Throw my cell in a river. And just walk away from everything. Maybe Ill eventually kill myself maybe something better will come of it. All I ever think about is running away. Wish my ex was still here to come with me. No one ever cared about me like her. And no one has ever told me they hate me like her. I think about ending it so often",Depression +23056,"Male 21 years old You may not be able to understand all of this as English was not my first language.I should have lived my life happier. I choose to be alone because I always thought that you can do everything even by yourself. I ignored my friends, kept pushing that I will be ok by myself. Father left when I am just a child. Mother who worked too hard to the point where it feels like I have no parents. I got bullied when I was a kid and it made it hard for me to approach others. Even my own brother bullied me. It started when I was 8 years old. Bullying only stopped when I got to Senior High School 17 years old. Got called weird by my classmates every time. I went to different school just so I can start again but it only made it worse enough for me to attempt suicide two times. High expectation of relatives became stress and pressure for me. I had some who I should have talked to more or socialized with more but because I do not know how to, it ended with me not being able to respond making it seem like I am ignoring them and that is how I still have no friends. I always wear this fake smile on my face to not gather the attention of the teachers when I am at school. No one noticed or no one tried to ask. I tried getting help from a psychiatrist but it is not going that well. I just cannot explain why I am feeling sad or empty. I watch anime sometimes to provide myself temporary happiness but makes me feel more lonely because I have no one to talk to about things I like. I tried to befriend others but I end up talking too much and they get weirded out by me. All of this made me not want to go outside my house and made me feel like others judge me whenever they look at me. Random people I do not know why but I am scared of others stares. I do not want to be seen. I just want to disappear. I wish i could turn back time and redo all my mistakes to correct them. I wish I tried a little bit harder to get help from my relatives when i needed them. I wish I was not bullied. I wish i choose the right path that leads to happiness. Will i be able to finish my game?I always get punched. They always call me names. They steal my things. They always get away with it. When i tried to get help they told me to just ignore them and it only made it worse. Things that I tried to do:I tried overdosing on pills but my mother saved me.I tried not sleeping for 4 days and it was extremely boring but i have no one to talk to and no one cares about me so i can do whatever i want to do with myself.I tried cutting my wrist to death but was to scared of the pain. Blood looks pretty. I cut myself everyday just to see my blood and feel the pain of the cutter going through my arm.I tried to get run over by a car but they just stop and scold me.I tried to find a high place to jump from but failed.I bought rope for me todayEnd of My LifeTLDR: life sucks I want to not exist My Life",Depression +23057,"The contrast in the tittle says it all. Its usually just that you want to be alone but you want them to stay. You push people away but to see if they will stay. My psychiatrist said that what I need is a support system whatever kind whether family or friends. How will I have those if I either push them away or they leave me because they cannot handle me anymore. Is it that hard to understand that not everyone, NOT EVERYONE WHO PROMISE TO STAY REALLY STAY BESIDE YOUPEOPLE ARE LIARS THEY JUST SAY THINGS THEY KNOW YOU NEED TO HEAR TO FEEL SECURE BUT IN REALITY THOSE ARE JUST WORDS TO COMFORT YOU NOTHING MORE!!!!!I WANT THEM TO STAY, EVERYONE THAT IS SPECIAL TO ME, I WANT THEM TO STAY BUT I cannot I do not need anyone (please stay)",Depression +23058,"I find I am either in a state of intensity where my head is buzzing with so many ideas and thoughts that I can barely sleep to a state of emptiness and depression that is so heavy it is almost indescribable. I am rarely ever in the middle as of the last two years, but I am always suicidal, never fearing death. I have only really stayed alive at this point because I have no easy access to anything besides perhaps if I jumped in front of a car. I just want to sleep and never wake up, to not have to worry about slugging through the days that blur into one another. I feel a year could pass and it would feel as though I have not moved at all, like I am trapped inside a void purgatory. I want to sleep, I do not want to have to do this just to barely make it through each day and be crying by the time I get to bed having to think about doing it all over again. The ping pong between the highs and the lows is too exhausting",Suicidal +23059,"My mum said if I take my pills I would be happy and stop cutting myself but it is not working, medication does not do shit it is a bunch of lies. I cannot stop cutting myself",Suicidal +23060,"Where exactly is the line between being able to talk to your therapist about suicidal thoughts freely and being committed? (I live in Florida, so we call it getting Baker acted here.) Will she only do it if I say I want to kill myself or actually threaten to do it? Or is it up to her discretion, like if I just talk about having the thoughts she could potentially get me committed? I am in a bad place but I am too lame to actually kill myself and a psych hold would make my situation worse. I do not have anyone else I can talk to about these feelings and I just need to know what I can and cannot talk to my therapist about. Thanks guys. Can I tell my therapist about suicidal thoughts without being committed?",Suicidal +23061,"I am cross-posting this to the depression sub-reddit from the bipolar one as I feel like it would be helpful to get the input from people on both sides!TW: self harmHey, I am really hoping that someone here can help me. I know diagnosing is not allowed in this sub, but just hoping that someone who has been diagnosed can tell me if it is something that sounds similar to what they experience, and if so I plan on going to the doctor. Hoping this is not too long! Thank you in advance for reading.I was diagnosed with depression 5 or 6 years ago when I was 19 (now 24), and I have never actually doubted that - until recently. I am not sure the best way to go about this so I am just going to list the reasons why I think I might be bipolar (based on symptoms that I have found out by googling).1. The best way to describe myself and my mental state at any time is that I have two halves of me - the ""good"" half, and the ""bad"" half. When I am in my ""good"" half, I cannot imagine what it is like to be in the ""bad"" half, and vice versa.2. The switches between these two halves can be very sudden. Last week, I felt suicidal and the most depressed I would felt in a very long time. I self harmed 7 times in one day. My therapist asked me if I had been able to process the emotions I was feeling last week and I literally could not even imagine them. I feel optimistic about the future, I feel more energised, I actually enjoy doing my hobbies. I always thought this was normal for depression...3. Whenever I have good days with my depression, they are ALWAYS followed by even worse days. It got to the point that I actually hate feeling happy because I know that I am going to feel even worse after it, and it does not seem worth it. During those happy days, I am sociable, I chat to people a lot, I enjoy going about my life and being busy. I feel confident that I am good at my work, I know why I was given this position. During the depressed days after, I struggle to even get out of bed, I cancel hanging out with people, I sit and scroll on my phone, cannot be bothered to do anything (I am addicted to caffeine and I cannot even make myself go and get coffee - I will just let the withdrawal symptoms happen), I wear my comfort clothes (like my blanket jumper and pjs).4. My mood can switch in an instance. The other day, I was having a breakdown, hated myself, could not get up and I could not stop crying. Literally a minute later, I stopped crying, felt happy and able to be productive. Got up, went and made myself a drink, tidied the house, did the dishes...5. I often fluctuate with how much I want to see other people - there are times I love hanging out with friends, meeting new people, hanging out with colleagues... others, I just want to stay home with my husband and dog, close the curtains and shut out the world.6. I often flip from feeling happy and content to insanely frustrated for incredibly minor reasons where my whole body feels ridiculously tense and I snap at people a lot, then get really confused why I am so irritable - normally happens after a good day where I have felt fairly ""normal"" and happy.7. Speaking of normal, this is something I do not really understand. I do not ever have ""normal"" periods, my ""normal"" is that I do not feel anything, I struggle to do work and my seemingly stable mental state is very precarious, it takes very little to knock it back to depressed again.I feel like this makes no sense, but I am hoping that someone can read it and understand. I am currently taking an antidepressant (sertraline) and it does not seem like it is doing anything for me. I have tried other antidepressants but none that work.Please someone help... do not know if I am bipolar or just depressed",Depression +23062,"For reference, I am a 22 year old you.S male. I just got out of a psych ward after a 6 day stay for making drunken gestures imbreaching on the safety of myself and my life on my Snapchat after 2 absolutely mental alcohol benders. I needed it, for sure, because I am a hardcore drinker and the depression brings out the alcohol which opens the curtains for intense suicidal thoughts and reckless behavior.I will begin with my treatment. I am a **prescribed** Xanax addict; I take 1 mg twice a day, which is like a baby dose for an 190 pound episodic binge drinker (cross tolerance), but I still experienced withdrawals. I tried to explain to my psychiatrist and nurses that I needed my prescription or I would go into dangerous W/D (death and seizures can happen during Xanax/alcohol withdrawal, have been to this ER for seizures before), and the nurse told me to ""let her know if I have a seizure"". I did have a seizure and let them know and was so disoriented I thought the camera footage the nurses were viewing were pictures of me playing the guitar and pictures of people I knew.Anyway, they gave me Ativan, and if you know anything about Xanax withdrawals, you know this is not how you go about tapering. They did not even give me an equal strength dose (there is a conversion chart), they gave me a smaller dose. I kept trying and trying to explain to them that this is not safe and they said ""it is a benzodiazepine, it is the same thing"". Only one nurse (who was not mine) understood and more or less said ""What the fuck are they doing?"". I went through intense withdrawals for 72 hours and they gave me an antipsychotic for 3 days straight. I did not sleep a wink. I had full on hallucinations, could hear people shouting my name through my window, songs out of both ears, convulsing, seizing up. I am not sure exactly why they gave me an antipsychotic, I was not being erratic and stayed in my room on my bed, which felt like a boat.Eventually, it got to the point where I could only limp, my spine and arms were seizing up, and my face was as well, and I was terrified I was either going to die in there or receive permanent neurological/nerve damage. It was so bad I could not speak, only whisper, and the nurse laughed at me and walked away. One day my psychiatrist did not visit me at all, and so I was assigned a new doctor who gave me Xanax as I took it regularly. The second dose I was seizing up like the exorcist - I genuinely thought my back and neck were going to snap. The nurses told me ""you are not in withdrawals, we gave you Ativan, it is the same thing"". In fact, one time I crawled to the hallway because I felt a seizure coming on (seizing, sweating, unable to walk) and my nurse told me ""If you flop on the floor like that again, I am not giving you any benzos."" I thought I was going to die in there. Eventually this doctor sorted things out and gave me a prescription to combat alcohol cravings and got me the fuck out of there. I slept 4-5 hours a night when I did get my Xanax, people were loud and I was right in front of the nurse station, where the doors slammed loud enough to rattle mine and make me think my door was being opened. I have appointments now and in an hour and a half I am going to a place for intensive outpatient.There was not shit to do besides eat shitty food, read, try to sleep, watch TV, go to groups (only 2 hours a day) and mingle. So I ended up talking to people a lot and that and the medications I was put on were the only beneficial parts of my stay. I got to talk to other people who were also addicts, had PTSD and depression. Understanding each other and hearing each other out helped a lot. However, some of the patients were as traumatizing as the withdrawals and perceived lack of proper care (they never checked our rooms). Shit was going down ALL the time. People were getting gurney'd left and right. Gurney'd means they get a bunch of cops and security to strap you to a gurney before you are IV'd with Ketamine. This dude that told me he had homicidal thoughts told me about how he would beat someone up before I got there and how he would torture me. He threw a remote and beat up the wall. He was discharged and came back in under 24 hours. A meth addict kept throwing and breaking shit and screaming and whipping her ass out. She would scream about not getting her Effexor, and bang on shit and tried to get into my room to steal my shampoo. She told me the Effexor mixed with coffee felt like meth and therefor she did not need to smoke meth if she could have her coffee and Effexor. She thought the entire foundation of the Catholic church was based on the molestation of children, that gays were going to hell, and that you could get HIV from a public stall. She is 30 with 5 kids, all different dads.There was a transgender who kept screaming and yelling at people that got moved to the floor below (where emergencies were called daily; sometimes multiple times), a Spanish speaker that flipped out, two kids that got separated for elopement, all kinds of wacky shit. Screaming all the time, period. Just loud.The weirdest thing, however, was the either mentally challenged/brain damaged little white methhead who came in during my stay. She was really hypersexual and into voyeurism. She stayed right next to me so I saw a lot. she would shower in just her clothes, leave the door open while showering, sometimes just lay in bed with the door open and stare at people. The worst thing is, though, that motherfucker was on the phone all god damn day long, and it is right across from me, so I had to hear her loud shouting matches with her fiance. Sometimes she would just swing the phone around or bang it into the wall, but it would always come back to a ""Hey babe, I am back"". I personally do not give a shit because I did not use the phone, but she would have phone sex and masturbate in the hallway. We all saw her do it and all the nurses did too. No idea what they are going to do with her, but I hope she ends up okay. The aforementioned other meth addict told me that she was facing 11 years in prison for multiple batteries, against law enforcement, correctional officers, and security personnel. I should mention that after a nurse figured out I had not seen a social worker, I saw one right away. you are supposed to see a social worker alongside your doctor daily.Saddest thing was a 60 year old woman, possibly mentally challenged, who was deaf. She started hearing voices and was so confused and paranoid because she would never heard them before. She was there for a month and a half and we exchanged I love you signs when she was discharged. Also, another elderly lady lit her apartment on fire by leaving the stove on and had a bad reaction to medication. she would scream on the phone as well, and she was there for 2 weeks and some days. She implored that she could take care of herself, however repeatedly asked the nurses to bathe here. it is extremely depressing. I do not know what will happen to those three women.Anyway. I hope I never go back there. It was pretty traumatizing but I guess some good came out of it. I am going to do my best to avoid alcohol and to be healthy and wean off Xanax. I am grateful however, to not be like the other patients, in a wicked sense. My Russian nurse told me I was too young, and to stop drinking, or I would ""end up like them"".I am going to do my best to never ever ever go back. In my life.That felt like a fever dream.Also, one of the guys was 53 and would watch the young girl masturbate and make perverted comments while I was with him, and I believe he may be a pedophile. My Experience In A Psych Ward",Depression +23063,"So My ex told me never to contact her again. I do love her and always will miss her as my best mate. I hope with time it can change so she can understand. About my mental health. I am not going to let anything hold me back I said I wanted to get better to her. I want to prove it to her friends, family, and MYSELF. Yes I do love her still after 9 months on. I do think what if. But I going to stop sulking and go for it. And covid the bastard. But in time I am hoping but I am going to physical make myself better. Mad writing this is just a reminder of strength to keep goingThanks Keep going",Suicidal +23064,"I lay in bed, staring at the wall. I am to exhausted and tired do do anything else. I feel empty, like a she will of myself. I press my pillows against me, to help my cope my loneliness.I did not eat again. I do not have the power to hurt myself today, unfortunately.I do not know what to do. I have a list of therapists near me, but I know I am way to anxious to ever call them.I just want somebody to lay besides me. Just want to cuddle and cry into their shoulders. But there is no one. I am tired",Depression +23065,"For starters I have Borderline Personality Disorder, a condition that makes me emotionally unstable and amplifies negative emotions tenfold; it is the hardest personality disorder to live with, and the least likely to be taken seriously by others. Look it up, it is actually quite sad. Add to that a debilitating addiction to Crystal meth, a drug that is statistically harder to quit than heroin. Meth, like Borderline Personality, carries a heavy stigma, one that opioid addicts and even crackheads are not given as much. The withdrawal comes with crippling physical fatigue and weakness making everything exhausting. But worst of all is a feeling of intolerable depression that comes from nowhere, a depression like nothing you have ever felt before. I dread the amplification of that depression from my BPD and thus I stay high for weeks until I am broke. When I first wake up detoxing, I feel the depression spread through me and my thoughts are consumed with darkness. To top it off, I am about to be homeless again in a matter of weeks, and I am terrified, absolutely terrified of living outdoors in this constant extreme humidity in the middle of summer. So to recap, I have withdrawals that because intolerable depression, a personality disorder that amplifies negative emotions, and I am going to be homeless in nonstop summer heat. BPD is the.worsr personality disorder and carries the worst stigma of its kind.Meth is the worst drug, and carries the worst stigma of its kindHomeless people are so stigmatized they are treated like scum, like second class citizens. So in conclusion, I am about to experience the worst depression possible and be treated with nothing but cruelty and apathy. Oh and I am very likely to die a slow death from heat stroke as people step over me and let it happen because they hate me.I have enough fentanyl in my possession to kill 10 people, a needle, and a fate so grim I cannot even.wrap my head around it. All I think about is suicide. No one would care, even though my situation is objectively worse than everyone else's, and I know I deserve the utmost sympathy, I am the least likely to receive it.So why should not I kill myself? Where to begin...",Suicidal +23066,"I am at a breaking point with my life. Genuinely I do not want to do this anymore. If anyone is willing to read this and just respond I would appreciate it. I feel so alone.I had a super rough childhood and never learned to self soothe, ended up with BPD OCD and CPTSD. My dad is a meth addict and my mom only started to really understand her own emotions whenever I was 16, before that because of her trauma she had no idea how to handle emotionally kids and would be super mentally abusive.I had my first kid whenever I was 17, and then twins whenever I was 19. Both of the dads were very abusive, cheated on me frequently and I did not understand leaving a relationship and grieving through it, so I just ended up staying and now have severe self esteem problems. I attempted suicide several times before I was 20, but obviously failed. And for a long time I was grateful that I lived. I also ended up with addictive issues pretty early on, around 12 I started self harming and at 15 started drinking heavily that quickly turned into meth by 19 and heroin by 23. I lost my kids to cps when I was 21, and could not get sober before losing the case and my aunt and uncle adopting them whenever I was 22. This was in 2017. My aunt and uncle are extremely religious and verbally abusive. My cousin came out as gay and all my kids get to see is them disowning him and telling him he is going to hell and that gay people are bringing on the rapture.I have only seen my kids two times in the past two years, and each time is re traumatizing for me. I will always take any chance I have to see them, and spend all of the time I can with them while I do. But leaving them causes me to spiral for months after. I do get tk FaceTime with them once a month if my aunt and uncle let me.I have been off of meth and heroin for 3 and a half years now. I stayed completely sober for the better part of a year, I did still smoke weed but that did not affect other parts of my life, and was actually helping me with my mental illnesses.I began a relationship with my current partner right around 8 months into my sobriety. I ignored every red flag and felt as if I could just micro manage my way into a good relationship. Thanks BPD. This relationship has been super toxic and damaging to my mental health, but I cannot make myself leave. I do not have a fear of being single, I actually fantasize and crave being alone and working on myself. But everytime I try to leave him I end up changing my mind and 'working on things'. He is emotionally unavailable and in a lot of ways gaslight the living hell out of me.I started using pain killers with him as well, but once he started having tremors he stopped and I kept using them. He has no idea that I have this issue, but whenever my emotions get too big it shuts them down. Or when I feel alone or hurt or like I want to die. Tbh using them has also kept me from making any real changes with my life and has only aided in me adapting to my current situation.I have been trying to work with a therapist but everytime is ee her all I can talk about is how shitty my partner is being. I cannot focus on making any real change and my therapist pretty much can only tell me what I already know (being gaslit and being with someone who is on a different level than I am emotionally) and tell me the only way to love forward is to leave him. I agree with her, but for some reason I cannot do it.I feel like I am stuck, I cannot make any decisions I cannot change any part of my life all because something is me switches (I think it is called splitting). So whenever I try to break up with him or change jobs or whatever else I split and my entire thoughts around it changeI do not want to do this anymore. I do not want to figure out my emotions. I do not want to feel anymore. I spend the majority of my time trying so hard to figure out why he hates me so much or regretting my life choices that ended up with my kids being in this awful situation or trying to fight off images of killing myself. My ocd has gotten so unreal recently and it is impacted Mt day to day life.I do not know what to do or where to turn to for support. Literally no one I talk to understands what I am going through on any deep level. I feel so unbelievably alone. I have bene trying to find codependency meetings in my area but there are not any.I do not know what to do. I want advice on steps to take that I can wrap my head around. But that does not seem real, or seems like an excuse in my mind to ignore the obvious.I KNOW leaving him would benefit me tremendously and that I could start to heal from there, but my brain literally will not let me. We live together and work together and own a car we are paying off together.I want to die, but I am coming here as a last ditch effort to be heard and maybe hear from someone who has an understanding or any advice.I am so sorry for formatting and length and totally understand if the read is too long. Last ditch effort. I feel so alone.",Suicidal +23067,and i refuse any treatment other than pain meds i keep finding myself fantasizing that i got cancer or some disease or something and i only have 1-2 months to live,Depression +23068,"Where exactly is the line between being able to talk to your therapist about suicidal thoughts without being committed? (I live in Florida, so we call it getting Baker acted here.) Will she only do it if I say I want to kill myself or actually threaten to do it? Or is it up to her discretion, like if I just talk about having the thoughts she could potentially get me committed? I am in a bad place but I am too lame to actually kill myself and a psych hold would make my situation worse. I do not have anyone else I can talk to about these feelings and I just need to know what I can and cannot talk to my therapist about. Thanks guys. Can I tell my therapist about suicidal thoughts without being committed?",Depression +23069,"I am exhausted in every way. I wake up in pain, go to sleep in pain, and every where I go I get the privilege of experiencing excruciating pain. At least I am no longer making everything worse, I am doing the conventional thing of taking care of myself and getting help. I am doing something instead of nothing. Why does it have to hurt? I wish we were just machines.I do not expect to have an insightful or unique thought or experience, I am just living that meaningless life. This is life",Depression +23070,"I have been hurt and I know I am the bad person here, I have been depressed af this year and I have been to the hospital 3 times because of it and staying inpatient, nothing has helped me. I feel so bad for ghosting my friends, they actually cared and reached out to me when I did it too. I literally cut them all out and talked shit behind their backs. I just reached out to one an hour ago apologizing and to let them know but its so early here and I seem crazy for doing that but I do not think I can ever go back and it might be better for them. I hurt everyone around me, I do things I regret, I cannot do anything and I am so back and forth with things. I literally have no friends because of how I do that, I keep telling myself I will never do it again but I doubt that is the case. I am just hurt and lost :/ I ghosted my closest friends recently because of my depression :(",Depression +23071,"It seems that there are few quick fixes to this depression struggle... I am on the good side of this struggle now.. but I have realized it was a long road... but so worth it. Even though you can go and read other people's stories and read books of how to deal with this struggle... it seems that each person has to write their own book of how to get out of this hole. I have read so much material... listened to so many podcasts and youtube videos, taken meds, gone to counseling... but I still had to write my own book.I had to do my own experiments to see what worked for me. I wrote what worked for me down... and then.. when I went through some difficult times.. I got my unfinished book out and read it.. and tried the solutions in MY BOOK.... and came up with the one(s) that worked for that particular day.. Start writing your own book today and find your recovery. Slow road back",Depression +23072,"I am 26. I keep wondering what those 26 years of life are worth. Today I have decided not to do anything I had planned, just because I do not think they will help me in the long run. Today, I have been very contemplative. Lying here, there are a lot of ways I could end my own life, some of which involve me not being discovered for hours. But it is not just my life I would be upending. My mom (50s) is already unemployed, practically schizophrenic. cannot imagine what it would be like to pay to bury me. My sister (23) is applying to medical school. This would just derail her entirely. And my boyfriend (26), he would feel heartbroken and guilty. I do not even think he would be able to come out of his room, let alone trust himself to date anyone for a few years. I know they love me, too. I am glad they love me, so I will stay for them. The emotional and financial toll of my death on my immediate family is the only thing keeping me here.",Depression +23073,"I do not really know where to start... I always knew I would kill myself one day since I was a kid. I am 31 and unfortunately my time has come a bit sooner than I thought. So tonight is the night!I wish I could say that I am leaving this life at peace with myself but the truth is that it hurts to go. I am scared of failing. I am scared of how those last minutes will feel as I do not have access to a painless method. I feel terrible about hurting my parents. I know the end is going to be agony just like my life has been.But I also know that this is for the best!To anyone out there reading this, please know you are not alone! I have never been very good with words, but I wish you all the best! Whether you are leaving too or choose stay, I hope you find peace. Perhaps there is a better place after this life and we will all see each other there one day! If not, at least the pain will end. Good bye, world! And wish me a safe passage to the other side! Peace Out!",Suicidal +23074,"What the fuck has my life become, just a few months ago I really thought I was getting better: I guess notDon't have a plan yet on how I am going to do or if I really will but I know how bad it is considering I even wrote one. My life just keeps getting worse and if I end it now i know for a fact I will not have to struggle anymore Just wrote a suicide note",Suicidal +23075,"I wrote my suicide note and I have it in my notes, I keep tweaking it just in case I decide to do it, at least Ill have an explanation, right now I do not plan to but I am suffering, my only friend stopped talking to me which left me in a pretty bad shape, I looked for ways to do it and I wish I still had that gun I am not afraid anymore, I am purposefully pushing the people close to me away so it will hurt them a little less, I do not want them to see me smiling since its a fake memory, if I am being selfish at least let me rest. Ending it",Depression +23076,"I am going through a very rough patch in my depression, one of the lowest lows I have had. I tried to explain it to my neighbour (since we are collectively hosting a neighbour party), that I will not be able to attend. Now here comes my neighbour telling me I should just eat some Vitamine D. She had a period during which she felt really bad and eating more vitamine D helped her feel better. So I should try it, she was convinced it would clear up my depression and get me out of my 'particular state of mind'. do not these people realise the stupidity and uselesness of such words? I just feel like giving her a high five, in the face, with a chair at this point. Why do people insist on giving useless advise to depressed people?",Depression +23077,"literally everyone i talk to now lacks so much fuckin empathy and it depresses me so fucking much. the fact that you can get away with shit for being good looking or whatever is horrible. and that people will support you because of that. NOBODY cares how you look, how young you are, and if you think its funny to do dumb shit, you are a horrible person. what makes me angrier is the fact that there are people on this earth waiting for the world to collapse, as if its a good thing. humanity is fucked, grow up, do not hope for shit to get worse, get off your fuckin ass and actually do something. anyways, that is just a random set of thoughts in my head, that is all. what the actual fuck happened to having empathy?",Depression +23078,"This kid Seth, has been teasing and making fun of me. Hes 18 and we go to the same school, hes a Very popular and well liked/respected.He often calls me twig, i suppose because I am rather skinny. He will often verbally degrade my mom infront of me.My mom is no help either! She seems to think, that i could just stand up for myself ,and it will go away. And when i try to and fail, she seems embarresed and annoyed. I am getting more and more depressed each day, i cannot sleep. I hate going to school, i cannot be social with my friends.How do i stop him from bullying me? I get bullied, my mom makes it worse",Depression +23079,"I find myself between a hard place and a rock, I am a 30M and my wife is 26F. We have a blended family and that on its own is sometimes a challenge with all the different schedules. I am reaching out because I am finding it hard to manage my time with all 4 kids, supporting my wife, work and home responsibilities and upkeep. I work from home so that has definitely made things a bit easier, during work hours I use my work breaks and lunch times to tend to the kids or check in on my wife. My wife also works from home but with her depression being as bad as it is she struggles a lot to help me with the kids or the upkeep of the house. I know that I am strong enough to push through this tough time in life but I just want to see what others may have done in my position. Sometimes it feels like I am raising 4 kids on my own. Its been over a year now and I find myself questioning if I am doing enough for the kids since I can feel there is a disconnect. How do I tell my wife I need quality time and space with the kids without sending her down a hole of emotions, anxiety & overthinking? How do I tell our kids that their mom is depressed so they understand? How do I manage my time with these struggles? How do I care for my depressed wife but still make time for our kids?",Depression +23080,OMG WHAT IS LIFE ALL MY LOVE ONES ARE GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY AND ME TOO. AND I am SCARED OF NOT KNOWING what is going to HAPPEN TO MY LIFE. I FEEL SO EMPTY AND LOST I HAVE NO PLAN FOR THE FUTURE LIFE IS SO FUCKING HARD. WHAT IS THIS WHY DOES IT going to BE THIS WAY IF THERE IS A GOD WHY WOULD HE LET THIS HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. PLS GOD JUST TAKE MY LIFE AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HELLISH LIFE THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING. OOHHH MY GOOODD!!!! what is GOING ON?,Suicidal +23081,"I can feel it on my heart. I do not even have to think anything anymore, I just feel in. My heart is heavy, from the second I wake up to the second I go to bed. I smile and laugh at my friends but I can feel it. I try to distract myself with video games but I can feel it, always there.Sadness. So much sadness. I am just sad. I am just so fucking sad.",Depression +23082,"Everyday is a battle against depression and negative thoughts. I do not even really enjoy the things that make me feel better, I have got to the point where I just do them to survive like those wild animals constantlyfocused on searching for food on TV. Am I the only one ? Living with depression feels more like surviving",Depression +23083,"I have had different scenarios in my head. 1) Hire a hitman to assassinate me so I will not chicken out.2) use my savings to travel somewhere really nice and far. A resort or hotel where you can see a nice view from the bath tub. Draw a nice bath, play Andrea Brucelli & Sarah Brightmans Time to Say Goodbye on repeat and overdose in the tub.Well, I am not going to do it. I think about it a lot. But whenever I am close to doing it, a picture of my loved ones mourning flashes in my head. But for fucks sake, I am so tempted to do it so I think about it a lot. we have all fantasized about our deaths. what is yours like?",Suicidal +23084,"I have been an undergraduate student since Sept 2020, but I cannot really socialise with others. I have tried many ways but it does not really work. people I know usually just ghosted me after a couple of days of chatting. I know I am boring, ugly, and just overall unsocial. how can I fix myself? How do You Make Friends?",Depression +23085,Took an overdose yesterday and went to hospital. The pills did not really do anything.. that is too bad. I should be dead right now. I survived.,Suicidal +23086,One thing that helps me with depression is to just get up and go for a drive. Just drive,Depression +23087,"I have read and heard everywhere that, basically, depression is not forever and in any moment it will end but i ve been suffering this during nearly 7 years and I am really sick. Does it ever get any better?",Depression +23088,"i have already finished a bachelors degree in marketing and had a bit of a quarter life crisis and want to change fields completely. i figured dental hygiene was a steady field that i did not have to be an extrovert to have success at. i start prereqs in the fall. honestly i am an all around B type of student i hate math and I am not super good at tests so ik this will be a test to challenge myself. talking to the counselor she was like let us focus on a backup plan... a backup plan? this IS my backup plan. i literally think i will just take a rope tie it to the door and fucking hangmyself if i do not get in. i will have wasted my families money for nothing. i will have nothing left if i do not get in. no plan. no income. no future. i have a history of despression ,i never had a dream job or talent. i never thought i would make it to this age honestly. i always wanted to not exist. its fucking annoying that we have this ""death"" thing and having to fight that inner survival instinct of fear in the way of me finally being at peace of not being here anymore. i honestly think ill off myself if i do not get into my dental program",Suicidal +23089,"Please kill me, i cannot take this anymore this is too much I hate my parents, I am 18 why cannot i make my own choices",Suicidal +23090,"I was thinking about some stuff and I realized that a lot of times when something gives me even more anxiety and stress than I already have and makes me sadder , i just lay on the floor, not the bad or a couch, and think about stuff. And I wanted to see if other people do it too Randomly lying and sitting on the floor",Depression +23091,"I (19M) dated a girl two times a few days ago and she told me this, i maybe asked her many times if i can kiss her, if she was comfortable, if she was ok going to x place etc... She told me she has much fun with me, that i am really nice to her... It hurts she is my first kiss i want to be her kitten i am a submissive guy and all girls rejected me i have been depressed for 6 years, holding hands, hugging with her etc is the unique thing that makes me feel good it is the best sensation ever, it is my fault all this? should i change? it is bad wanting to please your girl in everything and treat her as a goddess? it hurts She told me she do not know if she wants to be with someone that is so ""attentive to her""",Depression +23092,"its impossible at this point when they just laugh in your faceits impossible when you still feel just as helpless as you were as a childits impossible when the only escape route I have had instilled in my head was offing myselfits impossible to deal with narcissists without going crazy yourself, and that is just what they wanti do not know how to deal with the two abusers still wracking chaos in my life and enabling eachother to see and treat me the way they always did, I am just dirty, a whore, disgusting, delusional, i brought it upon myself, and its all my fault.how do you even start to see yourself as a person when that voice is still going off in your head, I am a bad person, i do not deserve anything good.why cannot these people be the ones to suffer for what they have done? i cannot really distract myself anymore from their blatant abuse and enjoyment in destroying our lives",Suicidal +23093,"I cannot take living this life anymore. I am a 34 year old male and I cannot take this loneliness anymore. Every woman I meet just lies to me and uses me then tosses me away. All I have ever wanted in life is to get married and have a family, to have someone to love who will love me. But it is impossible for any woman to have feelings of love for me. I cannot take this anymore. I spend every day of my life resisting the urge to commit suicide. I drive down the street and vision myself crashing into oncoming traffic at 90 mph. I have dreams of stepping in front of a train, or other fatal things every night. But I have to remain tethered to this existence because my disabled mother needs me. I have begun harming myself physically.My entire life has been torment. From the ages of 3 to 16 I was physically beat by people, threatened of being killed daily, then from 18 to now I am emotionally and mentally abused by women who I try to date. I do not have the strength to keep doing this. Why is it too much to ask to find someone to love me? I know I am extremely ugly, but I have good qualities. I am caring, loving, I can cook, I always put others before myself. Why is there no one alive who cares about anything beyond the physical? There is no hope in the darkness",Suicidal +23094,"4 or 5 years ago I went out into the freelance world after a series of full-time positions; I gave myself a year to see if I could make it work and thanks to a few series of good connections the ball kept rolling. Most of the work I was getting was unexciting but hey it paid and I was ""living the dream"" as they say. Well here I am still taking on the work that gets passed my way and while the checks have gotten smaller, I have managed to be a bit smarter; instead of trying to buy my ""happiness"" I have started saving and doing the responsible thing...have even managed to get a car, a nicer apartment, and long term girlfriend (hooray for me). The only issue is, I sit here now and feel as though the job I work in, I no longer have excitement of motivation from. I would be lying if I said I have that positive feeling from anything in my life outside of a brief flicker from time to time. it is really hard as I see, in this area, so many of my peers that I began with excelling to new heights where I feel like I am pivoting in the same place. I know the things that need to be done in order to move ahead but truly I feel stuck in quicksand; the idea of ""doing the work"" seems so daunting. I am looking to have the ""spark"" in an effort to begin the process but I know that is unlikely to be the way things work out in reality. I finally have insurance again so want to get back into therapy as this is a blanket issue impacting all areas of my life and has been for some time. &#x200B;Just wondering if this is something anyone else has really ran into especially when you work for yourself. I have considered even a part-time job to fill the gaps in between but I do not necessarily want to just give in to the avoidance bit of things. Appreciate you guys in advance. How to manage when depression saps work motivation",Depression +23095,"27 years old, finished bachelors degree last year, living alone, no job yet,I definitely had to sort out any plans for my career already, at least feel anxiety or something for not doing so,But only complete numbness, emptiness are controlling me, and i just cannot figure out any goals more than basic needs. I finished college with fairly high grade though, all of my motivations were anxiety driven, or auto-pilot modeWhich i hated so much. that is a life of a ghost. I was so fed up with that mindset. I decided no more that anymore at the time of graduationWhat i found inside myself, however, was just an empty hole.I trapped. Terrified. could not move forward.And as time goes by, now I have to get a job to survive anyways, anxiety-driven again.I feel fxxking stupid about not being able to understand my mind and brain no matter what. I am very sure ill someday have a breakdown again with this me, even i get a job or make some money or somethingI do not even know if this is depression, since i always have been like this in my memories No sense of self, apathy and dull",Depression +23096,"that is it. Just my dogs. No one else seems to want me all that much. I have tried talking to someone, it has not helped. I screw up everything I do and disappoint so many people. I am done being a failure. As soon as my dogs are gone, so am I. I am worthless and tired of convincing myself I am not. Living for my dogs",Suicidal +23097,"Hey guys I am tired of life and I feel like I am tired of it since I went to kindergarten where I had to learn about societal categories and adult concepts and how reality has to be perceived if you want to be seen as a sane person and how reality actually works for humans in a society. Of course I can find joy in things, such as my hobbies or perhaps even few social contact but overall Id say *life sucks* and this is such a truth for me that I would not even care if it was a tattoo on my arm. I am a person who is always aware that reality is just a subjective interpretation so I do not stick much to any political parties for instance. Some say that it is a good trait but.. I feel like many many humans love to attach stickers to themselves and identify with something while I cannot do it for a longer time, I fit in no particular group because I cannot accept absolute truths but speaking from my experience they are present in every group. They are not even verbal but sometimes unwritten rules, a certain rigidity that bores the f*** out of me. So I am a bit lost person In social situations I participate, not with the greatest initiative but I do. But while smalltalk or talk that people would not even call smalltalk anymore one part of me is focused on smth else.. On the person I interact with, the way he/she speaks, is dressed, why exactly like this, what does he/she want to communicate about themselves, is this gesture adapted from a certain group of people or is it natural/authentical.. I think it is normal to analyze our fellow people but I do it to such a great extent that I think its just distracting from the main purpose: to find joy in the actual social interaction. But I ultimately think Hmm I know now more or less what kind of person this is and more conversation is unnecessary. So how tf do I find joy in that? The answer I usually get is: You probably just did not find the right people yet. Maybe.. I have some tho. But I have to live most of my life not with them because I have to be at work or uni and I should not hate it there. Also I have been in different places with different people, I have been to pole dance, hung out with gamers, tried/been forced to christian community, had an atelier with other artists, been in Goa scene and overall club scene where I live, been in different schools and worked in different fields and and and; it has always been the same. It is not them, it is me. Me together with others is just meh So I realized a big part of my boredom is faced towards society or let us say interaction with humans. I am not a misanthropist, I highly value and appreciate many creations of humans, I can see that some humans are just really nice people, and many tremendously suck balls. But as I stated above: life sucks, I guess it does particularly as a dissident and as a not really social person. So what do I do? I realized already as a child that I feel less joy than majority. Is it eternal high functioning depression or do I just have antisocial squidward personality and have to somehow live like this? Is this depression? Doomed personality? Or just decreased ability to find joy in many things because I am low key asocial? Or is this all the same..",Depression +23098,"I have been depressed since I was 12, and I am 20 now. I have a lot of issues in my life and even though I am on antidepressants, some symptoms just do not go away. Sometimes I just cry about how long I have left to live. I do not understand how I am going to survive through 60-some more years of absolute hell on this place we call earth. I have suicidal thoughts but I would never attempt it, so all I can do is cry about how long I have left to live. Does anyone else feel this way? Cry about how long I have left to live",Depression +23099,"I feel like my dogs are the only ones who want me around. I am staying here just for them. Its exhausting. I will not leave them bc I do not know what would happen if I were gone, but when their time comes I do not know what will be left for me. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel so alone here, I just want peace. Living for my dogs",Depression +23100,"I cannot enjoy anything, cannot focus on anything, I cannot get rid of rumination and overthinking, I cannot do anything productive. How to deal with these? doctor prescribed me Zoloft but I am scared to take it, should I take it? will it help? I am scared of side effects cannot enjoy anything, cannot focus, cannot get rid of overthinking and rumination",Depression +23101,Not a single day has gone by without me thinking about the what ifs and my mistakes. I have tried all the steps to move on but I keep relapsing and it hurts so bad everytime. I am so stuck I do not want to move on. Chasing a girl who does not want you. I just cannot figure it out. I do not even want help anymore. I am almost out of school and its been fucked trying to imagine a future without the what ifs. I have failed myself. Its so sad because I have so many good things but the memories will not stop. I cannot sleep anymore because my brain is overwhelmed. I just want to be there for her and I cannot. I cannot even do that. Might attempt again tonight as I failed last time. I can remember every single mistake I have made all the way since grade 4. I keep wanting to go back to relive them. I do not want to stop thinking about her or moving on. I have tried for so long and I cannot do it anymore! I cannot! Why cannot I move on?,Suicidal +23102,"I am sick and it leaves me physically weak and drained. People take advantage of it in the worst ways. I have no one to stand up for me and it probably will not get better, it is been getting worse the more people abandon me and the sicker I have become. I have lived a pretty messed up life and I cannot even take responsibility for most of it. I am looking at the big S right now, it is alarming at how soothing the thought of it has become. I feel like I could have a future but I am becoming more traumatised. I have been fucked over so many times that when I make friends it triggers ptsd type episodes.Save me from myself. From my experiences no one really cares when most people want to kill themselves I need help",Suicidal +23103,"I am 19, and after a shitty first year of college because of online school, i just completely feel like, well, shit. This year in general just made me feel like shit. When i entered college, i was sure i wanted to be a therapist, though ironically, due to my mental issues and poor talking abilities, that does not sound too appealing anymore. The only other thing I am super passionate about is art and animation, but I am scared to go into it because I am afraid it could kill my passion.I just feel so lost. I do not know what i really want to do, and college and my parents do not exactly help ease the stress. After reaching out to a therapist, i started wondering what i wanted to do in life. Not in a career sense, but a personal one. To be honest, all i ever wanted to do in life was to just be myself. While i would not say I have had to put on completely different personas before, I have always felt like i always had to hide a bit of myself from people, whether friends, family, etc. The only times I have ever felt like i could be myself are when I am alone, and even then, that is slightly ruined, because I have somehow internalized my anxiety so much, that ill be scared and think "" what if someone finds out"" even though I am literally the only one in my room.In reality, i just want to express myself. I want to be outgoing and learn about art, music, acting etc. I want to nerd out about whatever topic I am really into at a point. I want to be more sarcastic than quiet. At the same time, i want to be able to tell people how much i value my solitude time. I want to just be able to be by myself a lot of the time. I just do not want to have to hide myself from the world.Sorry that this was really rambly, but it was a thing I have been thinking about for a while. The only thing i really want in life is to just be myself",Depression +23104,"I think I have C-PTSD and it is been having me going through non stop panic attacks since like 3 weeks ago. I am 21 Yo, I live in Venezuela and here is a real serious economical crisis so I cannot afford therapy by no means. cannot tell pretty much nobody about mi suicidal thoughts and tries because I live with my grandparents and they cannot really deal well with it, do not want to worry anyone, the only person that barely knows what I am going through is my 17 Yo GF. Yet I am afraid she steps away once she finds the suicidal mess I am. Just want some advice, I would also like to know a way to get economical support. Any help out there?",Suicidal +23105,"i want to pour a apart of my life out, I am so sick of hiding right now no one wants to listen, i have no one in my family just me and my mum, my dad died years ago, as growing up i did not really talk too much and constantly got bullied for my voice and fatness, my school friends told me i was faking and wanted attention cuz i was lieing to them and i started self harm out of my guilt, teachers hate me all the time cuz of my bad grade idk if the love. I got from people was just pity or if i even pity or other people,my chest hurts all the time, breathing issues and what not I feel like shit and want to end my life so badly, what is even the point of living? like just another burden i would have let it out on ppl, always stood out for other ppl before me even tho i was hurting, i want to be more open but can never make it there is so much hidden inside of me to the point where i just cannot stop self harming even now always overthinking anxiously waiting for someone to accept me.i said sorry for crying to my mother cuz she said it was annoying i always tried to talk to her about this stuff but she never gets her head around it, I am having more and more flashes of past trauma i have had forgotten i just want to happy for once and let these people stop hating me and i m well aware of the things i did wrong i just wish everyone could just forgive me, please tell me what to do. I cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +23106,"So many posts I have read from teens and 20 year olds wanting to end it. It makes me sad. I was there, and we really have no idea how little of the world we seen. And how hopeless it really is not (for the most part). I have managed to make it this far. But I am not entirely sure I am supposed to go much further. I never saw myself getting ""old"" and maybe this is why.I ran away when I was 16. Dad left when I was five, my mom was an alcoholic and had two more kids with a married man. She died three years ago. I have had a hard childhood...blah blah blahEver since I left home I have been fighting for a better life. I believe life is choices. You wake up and choose to be better then your past. You recognize what is right and wrong and know how it feels to be bullied and not loved and demeaned, so you choose to act the opposite, embrace people and be there for friends because you know what it is like to be alone and you do not want anyone to feel like that, like this. Things are supposed to get better. I am now 43. I have worked two jobs my entire life until I turned 40 and mentally could not take it anymore. I have not been on vacation in over 20 years. I have student loan debt. do not go to college, it is a scam.Last year I was laid off from March until January due to Covid. I had to move. All my savings is gone. I have $20 in my bank account. I am tired. I am supposed to return to work in August, September at the latest. The last three weeks I have thought about death. Have written my note in my head over and over. They say money cannot buy happiness, but it can buy relief. When you do not know how you are going to pay your rent and bills it gets overwhelming every...single... day.I see so many posts about people having good jobs and money and husbands and wives and kids. People who have a ""good life""; but you still want to die? there is no help. I am not ready yet. I still cry when I think of it, but I am not scared to do it. I am just not ready yet. But the thoughts come more and more and I do not think it will be too long. I am trying to memorize things...how things feel, smell, and look. Subtle differences that we take for granted every day or miss. Like how someone is eyes light up or how a smile spreads across someone is face.So, my younger ones, think about your life. See the beauty in what you have. You have so much a head of you and there is much joy in this world. Love yourself. You may think you have nothing and no one, but if you think about it, it is probably not true. Find something, anything to keep up the good fight. And it can turn out good, so I am told. I am trying. You try too. Xoxo To all the Young",Suicidal +23107,"As the title pretty much suggests, I do not really have any friends at the moment. Now, this is not actually due to my lack of social skills, as I have known all of my friends (who have not contacted me in months) since Kindergarten when it is a lot easier to make friends. However, in my four years of college before my pathetic ass dropped out, I never made so much as an acquaintance. there is not a single student who was at this 30,000 student campus while I was there who would even know my name or who I am in general. Not one. Add to that the fact that I probably will not even graduate and am incredibly limited in terms of jobs due to my mental illness, and it seems like there is absolutely no point at all. Who would honestly want to live like this? I have gone to sleep every night since I was 15 hoping I would not wake up, and I wake up every morning wishing I had not. I just wish I was not such a pathetic pussy so I could just end it on my own. I want nothing more than to just not be alive. I am bipolar, I have no friends, no social skills, and I am a college dropout with no future job prospects. Every day I feel like I am closer and closer to just ending it.",Suicidal +23108,"I have suppressed so much shit that i do not even know where to begin. i push all my feelings to the side because i think ""oh it will go away"" but it never fuckin does. i feel like I am just fuckin extra weight on everyone is lives. i fuckin regret being born. I am way too scared to actually kill myself but its gettin to a point where a part of me is not, and its like I am fuckin working against myself. I am also way too fuckin scared to open up to anyone i know personally about my feelings because i feel like I am bein judged 24/7. there are also a lot of things i will not be able to change for me to be at least a small bit happy with myself.whenever i do anythin (like play video games or watch a show or somethin) it feels like I am wasting time when i know there is nothing that I am supposed to do. it feels like I am wasting my entire life just by existing. there is definitely way more things that i would list here but currently my brain is such a fuckin mess that i can barely think of anything. sorry to anyone who read this fuckin dumpster fire of a post. this is a fucking mess",Suicidal +23109,Fuck them. I cannot get any work done. I feel no anxiety. I will not finish any work and I know it. Fuck work. Fuck the system. Fuck money. Fuck my collapsing country. Nothing matters. Fuck deadlines,Depression +23110,"Depression is the result of an unnatural over-development of civilisation to the point where our minds have been forced to become complacent due to lack of any real purpose. In the days of survival, humans would wake up everyday faced with a viariety of challenges that would need to be overcome in order to simply stay alive. Theory of the depression pandemic that affects so many of us today",Depression +23111,I cannot work. I feel no anxiety. I just do not work that is it. I cannot work,Depression +23112,do not really have anything to say that everybody has not already heard.Just did not have anybody to say goodbye too. So goodbye I guess. No discussion.,Suicidal +23113,"I am depressed, and there is really not much I can do about it...I feel tired, i feel exhausted all the time... I feel like shit, I feel like a disappointment..I feel alot of things, but depression over shadows everything.. I just wrote this here as a lil vent, I do not want to bitch about all my problems... and plus no one probably cares, but yea, I just wrote this here as a tiny vent well..",Depression +23114,"If this is the wrong subreddit for me to post in, please let me know. Or please suggest a better subreddit for this.This may be oddly specific, but I feel.. afraid of talking to my parents. I have not had meaningful conversations with them after my childhood days.Dad will snap at me when I am being too vague or when I talk about my interests that are irrelevant to him. He also told me my high school friends (that are supportive!) are bad influences just because they suffered depression and felt suicidal.Mom will just talk about religious things, telling me to pray, her ideas are very conservative. I am not religious at all and I do not like topics about religion. It bothers me, and I was once forced to wear a hijab by her as a kid. I hated it. Mom also said I can treat her as a best friend once, but then she spied on my texts before and she puts down my interests as a kid. Ever since then, I have not had meaningful convo with her.So, when I look at my friends and partners healthy relationship with their parents, it makes me wonder if its not healthy for me to feel this way. Does anyone felt too scared to talk to their parents too? Is it normal to be scared of talking to your own parents?",Suicidal +23115,"Fuck everything, everything I do goes wrong. I have so many problems I cannot solve. Everytime it is me who fucks up shit. I cannot have a nice life. Nobody of you cares anyway. I am so glad when I have finally cut my veins and I will bleed to death. Goodbye. I need to stop postponing. Today is the day I can finally leave.",Suicidal +23116,"it is a battle just to convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. How am I still this fucked up at 29? I have nothing of my own, I am way behind my peers in almost every area of life. Ugh. I am so done with this shit. Other people hitting 30 are getting married and having babies. But I cannot even look after myself.",Depression +23117,"I am at an age rn where I should have figured out everything.... and I did, but things happened. Ocd got triggered and I was given meds that should not have been given to me, strong meds. I stopped feeling anything, any enjoyment from any interests I had, music, movies, books. Stopped feeling any empathy for other people, I cannot get into activism without feeling like I am virtue signaling. Then on top of that, I started to see synchronicities around me that led me to reading about spiritual awakening and my OCD got triggered again. I feel like every action I do or thoughts I have will lead me to a spiritual awakening. I do not trust my own thoughts, I feel like I have no choice but to leave my old life when I have dreams that I want to get back to, desires that I want to have again. I feel like everything is happening for me to spiritual awaken, did I even will anything to happen? I do not have free will. I also fear therapies and other mental health approaches because they are kind of the same with buddhism practices. Anyway, its starting to feel like a self fulfilling prophecy, I cannot describe myself anymore bc idk who I am, or who is spiritual awakening. Its everywhere around me, its inside my head. My family is getting tired of me. They belittle everything that I have gone through. If its just OCD then I might be ok with it but I do not have anything to cope with, I do not feel any enjoyment. My life has no quality. Then you will read horror stories about anhedonia online. I cannot live like this for 20, 30, 50 years. I do not even know why I should work, when I have nothing to use the money for. I am just so so soooo done with everything. Like i do not see anything that makes me want to stay in this world. I might do it once I am alone. I am about to do it.",Suicidal +23118,"I am not sure if this is the right place to ask but i really need help. also sorry I am on mobile my friend (16f) has been struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts for almost a year. my friends and i have done everything we can think of to help, staying up for hours to talk to her and tell her how much we love her; baking her favourite brownies; writing letters; making playlists and paintings and every other thing we can think of to try and show her that not everything is awful and that we love her. finally we even managed to get her to go to therapy but her first appointment was last week and she hated it and has seemed even worse since then.i do not know what to do anymore and I am so scared that we will lose her and i would not have done enough. i feel awful saying it but I am tired too, of doing everything i can think of but it never seems to help and if anything she seems to push me away. i wish that i could help her but i do not know how and i feel like an awful friend because i cannot. I am so scared that I am going to lose her and it will be all my fault for not doing enough or not doing the rights things. please help me i do not know what else i can do to help my friend who is suicidal",Depression +23119,"So, in addition to having PTSD, depression, and anxiety, I may have BPD as well. Honestly, after reading about it, it would make my actions and desires make a lot of sense.Does anyone else on here have BPD? How do you cope with it? How did you start getting help for it? What support helps you the most? BPD, Self-harm, and Suicidal Ideation",Suicidal +23120,"I am starting to wonder if I have depression. It started with anxiety months ago. Now I feel empty often and struggle with a restless sleep. My dreams are really vivid at times. Even though I am shy, I do not feel like seeing friends as often. I find that keeping busy helps me feel better. I did get this checked out before and really was not given an answer. Maybe it is depression",Depression +23121,"I am told to focus on my work. I do barely getting through it. I get the job done, but other people seem to receive gratification at the end of it. I just feel like I dodged a bullet, and another just fired in my direction.I am told to exercise and lift. I have been at it for a while. I am able to lift quite heavy now, and I have a body many would be proud of. Yet, I am the same weak and numb person inside.I am told to go out and socialize. I go out and I can maintain a good enough presence, but it feels like a dreaded chore which has me completely drained. I cannot connect with people.I am told to meet women. As soon as they form some sort of attachment, I withdraw and bail on them. I do the same with potential friendships.I am told to finish my masters degree. I do it not because I see it as important, but because I cannot take the excrutiating and dissasociating pain of failure.I know I cannot keep going like this forever. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am in for terror. Nothing ever works",Depression +23122,"i doubt anyone will read this but here it goes anyways. i really thought i was doing a lot better compared to the very beginning of this year. got a therapist, a psychiatrist, and I am on low medication for depression. i even managed to graduate from college with a bach degree in the midst of all my mental struggles. recently i started to get back into past hobbies again too.fast forward to yesterday, when i fucked up my long-anticipated pc build, messing up the mobo and the cpu. honestly it left me discouraged as hell even though in the grand scheme of things, it is not the worst things that could happen, but it seriously crushed my soul and whatever confidence i was trying to build up.now I am re-evaluating my life choices once again. 22 yo guy with almost no job experience at all. kind of decent at web dev but not nearly enough to find a job for it as of now. meanwhile some people my age are out there making a decent living, which is hell of a lot better than whatever I am doing right now. i have some friends but i do not have much in terms of social interaction other than with family members. it is so selfish for me to say this but i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, but that is not the reality i live in... feeling hopeless",Depression +23123,"It was a tiny blade because I am a coward and did not use the kitchen knife. It was my first time, so I made 4 cuts on my forearm and slapped a bandage on it. It hurts, it throbs, but the pain in my head is gone. This can get addictive if I am not careful. I promised myself I would only cut if I got the urge to call my ex or if I saw something that made my mental crash. I cut myself tonight with a shaving razor",Suicidal +23124,..... just ..... having a rough morning they say it helps to share ..... so I did.....make life count for those around you ..... life is short..... hope you all have a good day..... Yeah....,Suicidal +23125,"I thought i had a plan but recently, I have been having doubts... What if it fails and I just get to a situation that is even worse? But I also need to be discreet about it so idk pls help me what is the most fool proof way???",Suicidal +23126,"To begin with my life is a mistakeI did not ask to be brought here. I keep struggling although I have everything. I have a good job, good salary, nice husband, nice friends but I still feel suffocated and overwhelmed.I want to leave everything behind and end my life. I am a practicing person so suicide is not an option but I feel like I am slowly losing my faith and at some point it will not deter me anymore.Keep thinking what is the point of living.. I am not enjoying many things including food, sex, work, gym, peopleI want to go somewhere where I can scream my heart out or better yet end my lifeI keep thinking if I got a terminal illness or get hit by a car I would be so thankful This is a mistak",Suicidal +23127,"My life feels like utter shit. I was born with Symbrachydactyly, was hit by a car when I was 5, suffering from brain damage, and now I am 17, having just recently started puberty due to testosterone injections. it is been 6 fuckjng months and I still sound and look like a 13 year old. I am sick of being harassed constantly for it. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I wake up and look forward to nothing, I just go back to toxic groups because there is a part of me that laughs when others are being laughed at. I am a shit person. I was born in middle class as thr smartest species alive. I am selfish. I hate myself. I am annoying. I fucking despise myself. I cannot wait for the day I am legally allowed to purchase a firearm so I can just shoot myself in the head. I plan on ending it all at the end of the year",Suicidal +23128,"It would be nice if someone would kill me. People kill others every minute in the world, why cannot someone just kill me... .",Suicidal +23129,"It makes depression a lot worse man, I know that it helps you temporarily but you got to stop. What goes up must come down and you are going to hit a horrible crash right after doing it, and it could last up to weeks. MASTURBATION",Depression +23130,"I fell in love with my best friend and she ended up leaving meSince she left me, almost everything got worse in my lifeI'm done meeting new people, they only hurt but it also sucks to be lonelyI do not have the energy to do anyfuckingthinganyway, have a great day mate I regret meeting her",Depression +23131,"I am not worth the fight, I am so worthless, hope my life just ends, nobody will grieve on me more than a week, why people attack me, why life hate me, why am I still breathing wish it all ends",Depression +23132,"Their advice is so trash lol, ""just get up"" or ""find a hobby"", ""stop being lazy"" like wtf. Who would want to find a hobby if they did not enjoy anything to begin with? Happy people should never give advice to depressed people",Depression +23133,"I am m26yo and have always been financially and emotionally dependent on my partners. I always attract people because of my beauty, but I know I have a nice personality and a lot of interests, which ends up making people attached to me.I always had a war on my mind, and I never found the motivation to do things for myself. I never loved myself.A person said a few months ago that maybe I am like this as a survival mechanism, that deep down I do not want to change or be independent because it is easier and I save energy just by depending and relying on others.that is not fair. My boyfriend gets screwed every day at the hospital he works for and when he gets home, not even the dishes are washed. He has to worry about whether I am eating, about buying my food and my clothes and etc.If I can change? I have been trying every day. Therapist, drugs, etc. But maybe deep down, deep in my unconscious, there is this stuffed thing that does not want to change. And unfortunately I cannot fight it.I have everything in my power to be a successful person, but I am a lazy, selfish slug.Suicidal thoughts have always been with me. And every day I am more certain that this destination is very very close. I do not want to be strong. The only strength I want, is to finally surrender I take advantage of others. I suspect that deep down I just want an easy life. This is not living with dignity, and I am not strength enough to change.",Suicidal +23134,My mum is going having an operation today and I am so anxious. FUCK CANCER. I know she can get through this but she does not deserve this. Fuck cancer.,Depression +23135,"I do not know what to do. I have been depressed and anxious for about 6 months now. The last time I was depressed I was a 16 year old kid who was scared about what was to come in life. I cut my wrist when my parents were not home. My brother took me to the hospital. I did not have any friends at the time. I did not talk much with my family either. I somehow picked my self up and started working out and focusing on school. I got better. I was completely out of depression. But it is back now and the working out and focussing on work thing does not work anymore. I am very angry about covid. I only got to stay 6 months away from home in my college where I had full freedom, before it was all stolen away and I had to come back home. My house is comfortable and I have the privilege of privacy in my own room, good food, etc. I had a boyfriend when the pandemic started. We were incredibly close. I loved him more than anything in the world and I know he loved me too. When the pandemic started we were not able to meet. So we texted a lot. We were also horny so we sexted a lot too. The sexts got extreme over a few weeks when one day he made up a sext story about raping me. That scared the shit out of me. I trusted him with anything and everything and this was the last thing I expected from him. I told him that and he apologized but the story kept eating me. If he could think all that then he might do it too? I told myself and him that we love each other and just need some time to get over this. But I could not get over it, I tried to continue loving him but it was gone. I was repulsed by the very touch of him. I had to break up. I started talking to a guy who I used to hook up with. We started hooking up again and we got very close. But the whole staying at home thing was getting the best of me and I became very irritable and I picked on small things and fought a lot. One of those fights got intense and he told me we were done. I could not take it. I could not fathom the thought of being alone again. I did not have any other people who I could be remotely close with. I fought more and begged him and fought more. In one of the fights he told me that he only cared about the sex and everything else was just stupid. That hurt me because I had started to fall for him and I wanted to date him. I cried some more and told myself to stay away. But two days later he texts me asking me to be his girlfriend. He apologized for the things he said and told me that he did not mean any of it. I said yes. we have been dating for a month now and I am not a big fan. He is busy all day with work and gaming at night. He barely texts me and even when he does, there is nothing interesting to talk about. Even if we do manage to find a good topic, it feels like he is fighting with me or he just makes jokes on my expense.All of my college work is online and due to these relationship problems and being cooped up in my room, I have not been able to learn much or do good work. I am only getting mediocre marks and doing work just to get it over with. I have days when I am uncontrollably crying all the time. Today is one such day. I also have anxiety now. it is very new and scary and exhausting. I do not know how to deal with it. A couple of good things happen every now and then but I am never able to appreciate them. I keep crying about how everything sucks in life. I want someone to help me. I want someone to pick me up and tell me it is going to be okay and that they love me. I do not know where I am going with my career either. My family have started to pressure me into getting married and I do not want to ever get married. I have to move out as soon as I graduate which means I need money. I am working as an intern and getting a little bit of money but If I want to move out soon I will have to make so much more money. The depression and anxiety is sucking the life out of me. All my energy is being used up to stay sane and eat and sleep regularly. I have no energy left to be creative with my work. I keep missing my first boyfriend every now and then. I keep having thoughts about going back to him even tho I cannot stand being intimate with him just because we had some very good times together. He made me feel safe and happy until it ended. I want to learn how to be alone and happy. But I keep seeking support and attention. Dating apps are not helping because everyone is way too horny. I have two girlfriends who I talk to every now and then and I have told them everything and they have helped loads. But I cannot seem to be happy. I cannot continue crying to them, it will get very annoying for them. Thank you so much for reading this, I feel better typing all this out but I still have no idea what to do to make myself appreciate whatever is available to me. I tried a couple sessions of therapy which did not help much but I cannot afford more. I have to save money to move out and my family cannot help because they will not understand mental issues.I am trying my best to get into hobbies and work out and socialize with people. I just want to learn to enjoy being alone and have energy to do good work. I also want to have good friendships and relationships. I do not want to die, I want things to get better.If you have any advice as to how to handle myself when I am crying uncontrollably hating everybody and calling myself an ugly stupid piece of shit, please let me know. Thank you :) Everything that is happening is either sad or boring or scary.",Depression +23136,"I think I may be depressed. I just cannot get out of bed, I have nothing to do outside of it. I have been isolated from friends for almost 4 years, I have only internet friends now. I do not have a job since I am underage, I do not have friends to go out with and I do not have pets to walk. I have been having thoughts about not existing and how that would be better than living life and dealing with responsibilities or people (not suicide, just disappearing). I cannot get up to exercise, to go out, and I will always postpone everything the hardest I can (I have not cut my hair in 2 years, which I have never done before) and if I have the option to stay home instead of going out, I will stay home. Also, sometimes I feel like I am just a spectator and not the protagonist of my life. I feel so indifferent about some things, and sometimes it seems like I am just watching a movie or playing a game. here is the catch: I am not sad. I do not experience long periods of sadness, I do not cry at night, I do not even feel down, I am either happy or neutral (happy most of the time), and sometimes only the thought of living fills me with joy. I have never seen it as depression, and thought it was a phase, but not getting out of bed for a week straight does not seem normal for a healthy 17yo. Does someone relate? Have you seen this? Am I not depressed and making this up? Maybe I am just super lazy? What the fuck is wrong with me??? Depression without sadness?",Depression +23137,"I am 17 and I have never done anything meaningful with my life, and will never get the chance. My mom homeschooled me and forced me to do ridiculous amounts of schoolwork (not religious, she is the crazy my-kid-has-to-be-einstein type) . As such I never met another child until 9th grade when I started high school in public school. Obviously I had been on the internet for years so I understood things like memes and pop culture, but I have still never had a friend. &#x200B;Life is just so pointless for me. My parents act like I am a success to my face but I cannot help but imagine how they must see a loser who has never had a friend or gone out on his own. &#x200B;The cherry on top is I have not even been able to learn how to drive, I am too scared and I choke every time, I got driving classes but the teacher berated me for being slow to learn. &#x200B;All of my so-called ""achievements"" are a joke, nothing that anybody would ever give a shit about. I have mostly A's in school but I would never even make an effort if not for my mom pressuring me. &#x200B;The problem is in so many ways my life is pretty ""good"", like I have reliable food water a home (not a house just a little townhome, everyone else at school in my neighborhood has a house, but still...), Etc. So I do not REALLY have anything to complain about, but nothing good happens either. Life is just so so boring. And will never get better. I cannot help but feel I will never be able to move out. We do not really have any money once rent and food and my mom's medical bills are spent, but I guess we are lucky for that. &#x200B;Anyway back to me, I have never done anything meaningful or that anyone else will remember. At the end of the day I am just a pathetic nerd who sits at home all day with no friends. &#x200B;Oh yeah did I mention that I am a fat piece of shit who cannot motivate himself to exercise or eat less? My life sucks. Eating is the high point of my day, there is literally nothing else to get enjoyment out of. I absolutely fucking despise myself for this I am fucking disgusting. My body is completely nonfunctional anyway and was before I got fat, I have always had a pathetic body and a disgusting face that looks like it was stuck on as a skin graft for the Slenderman. Literally my face looks like someone cut holes into a faceless being, it is flat and I literally have no jaw. &#x200B;I do not know why I even fucking try anymore. My mom is chronically ill and tries to pretend that she does not hate me, but it shines through occasionally when she flies into a rage and shows her true colors. My dad is an emotionless piece of shit who never bothered to be a dad, never spent time with me, only dinner and occasionally weekends all other times he stares into his computer making clear he hates me. &#x200B;It does not help all my interests are pathetic nerd shit like SCP and politics. I think I like SCP because it is a fictional world where there is pathetic guys like me who matter. &#x200B;I am not even worried about relationships, I have never entertained the idea that I would ever have a girlfriend, so it does not worry me, it is horribly sad but I do not waste my time. I just wish I had real friends or could do something to make people remember me. Nobody will fucking remember me. Just another miserable forgotten loser. Pathetic and soon forgotten",Depression +23138,"You said you would be there for me in times of trouble when I need you and I am down. And likewise you need friendship, it is from my side pure love but I see lately things have been changing. You have goals to achieve but the roads you take abroad and heartbeats that wants you make another way. You throw stones, can you see that I am human? I am breathing but you do not give a damn... You said you would be there for me.",Depression +23139,"I got heavily exposed to some really toxic mold about five years ago while working as a scuba instructor. There was a thin layer of it on the interior of my scuba regulator and I was breathing off of that regulator for about 4 hours a day for 2 months underwater and as a result of that my mental health totally collapsed in about 7 weeks flat Once I had figured out what was going on it was too late I had been severely poisoned I have been trying to get my mental health back ever since A couple of years ago I developed sudden onset severe debilitating tinnitus, with my hearing test coming back as normal. Every time I talk to a doctor about this one of two things happens and they either say that is impossible and kill the issue or they do not know how to help or who to refer me to and kill the issue I have done a lot of my own research and have had some success controlling symptoms with various supplements but I need back up on this and there just is none. I have tried bringing what I have done and the limited success that I have had to my health care providers attention on multiple occasions and they have nothing worthwhile to say Its always they do not know what to do and do not know who to refer me to and then the issue dies once again The research and the understanding just is not there yet for this kind of issue To date my health insurer refuses to acknowledge or entertain this issue. And insists all symptoms are mental health related only but also refuse to provide adequate testing to prove otherwise yes or no.I was recently able to push for a head MRI and it showed something interesting in that it showed/flagged for chronic paranasal sinus disease. This was interesting since previously my health insurer refused to authorize any test that would show such a condition and obviously what the MRI technician saw on the MRI was bad enough that it warranted calling the inflammation chronic with no other scan to compare it to. I do not have a clogged or stuffed nose. It is looking like I may have had/do have a phantom cyclical fungal infection in my sinuses for half a decade now that is causing my tinnitus and mental health problems. I asked my health insurer for a CT scan to see the extent of the problem and a biopsy culture to see what is causing the problem, both were immediately denied. I am currently fighting them on that. What is the point on giving someone an MRI if you plan on just ignoring the results?... If a CT scan and a biopsy culture shows a chronic fungal infection that is causing the inflammation, my tinnitus and my mental health problems might be treatable with the right combination of antifungals and steroids to treat the infection and bring down the inflammation. They are refusing to provide treatment by not providing the testing to see what treatment would help.I have been currently experience long term passive suicidal and or mutilation impulse on a near daily bases as a result of my current situation for seemingly no other reason. My health insurer is well aware of this and are celebrating since they finally provided a single individual therapy session and they feel that a single therapy session a month is adequate treatment for the situation that I am currently facing. I have been so destroyed by this situation that I am unemployed living with family and as result of making so little income last year I just switched over to state medi-cal insurance. Since I am now on state insurance my copays are zero and I am pretty sure that I can weaponize the current laws against my health insurer.These days I am passively suicidal on basically a daily basis but not actively suicidal. The current rules state that I am supposed to go to emergency if I am passively suicidal. I do not because I think that it is a waste of my time since there is no treatment there but I think that I might start going. Since, if I start showing up to my health insurers emergency with passive suicidal thought on a regular basis they are required by law to check me in and evaluate me every time but cannot hold me unless I pose an immediate threat to myself or others. This will bill the state a few thousand dollars each time this happens and will only be a time inconvenience to me At what point will the state stand up and take notice? Fifty thousand dollars of the tax payers money wasted, a hundred thousand, five hundred thousand? There has to be a threshold here where they start asking what the hell is going on here. I doubt they will blame the suicidal guy that is just trying not to die by suicide. Then I can leak the story to the media and let the story snowball from there. The negative publicity for health insurer may be very significant. Let me know what you think? I am thinking about weaponizing the current laws against my health insurer to get adequate testing and treatment Let me know what you think?",Suicidal +23140,I wish I never born in the first place. Every aspect of my life is completely terrible. I am important to no one. I hate that I will never get to experience a normal life. I am tired and sick of existing. I am feeling like I cannot go anymore.,Suicidal +23141,Am I going to overdose? What should I do? Please help I just consumed 8.5 grams of metronidazole,Suicidal +23142,"This was posted by me somewhere else as well, I just want as many opinions as possible to see if I am wrongTitle says the basics of what I am saying, here is the more in depth version. I am still young, very young in fact, I am 16, and I can already see people saying its too young to make such and assessment, but please, just hear me out. I cannot talk to girls past a friendship way, because I am too scared to. I am offensive and have no filter, I say things that I do not mean to harm people, then I end up doing so, for example, one day I could see one of my friends visibly annoyed, and when someone asked, before my brain could think my mouth said, its the time of the month. She was obviously hurt by this and I felt like crap, worse than that tbh, I felt like a terrible friend. I cannot pick up on social cues, if I needed to, I could not, like for example, interrupting people who are talking, changing the subject constantly, etc. There is one thing I am good at and its reading certain emotions, but even then my mouth moves faster than my brain. I am fat, unattractive with pimples, my hair is a mess because I hate dealing with it, I constantly look tired because I am, my general demeanor is someone who isint someone attractive or someone anyone is attracted to, I am self conscious about my weight, so swimming has to be done with a shirt, I am not confident, I have a lot of problems that if I were to mention,and they would ask about them, Id tell them I am fine, which would just create a wedge. My interests are what includes staying inside and playing games, the only outdoor activity I enjoy is horseback riding. I am constantly annoyed but do not know why, and I offer nothing in the way of being confident enough to do anything above a hug. I enjoy being alone, but not completely, I want someone, but that will not happen, I have put the reasons on the table, and I need help seeing if I am missing something. A few more things of note would be my very minuscule self worth or self preservation, my lack of any romantic gestures that show I care, and I cannot even articulate that I care about people beyond just saying those words, I more than care for people that are really close, but its hard for me to articulate that and my feeling as well. Not only that, but accedemelally I failed every class this year, and have been failing a large amount of classes since 6th grade, meaning the one thing Id want to do I cannot accomplish which was to be a game designer, thanks for listening, sorry for how long it is. I want to someday find someone who likes me but I know it will never happen",Depression +23143,"I do not know how to describe it other than that. For my whole life (at least as long as I remember) I have always felt like everybody else was somehow more real than I am. I have always watched other people interact with a kind of awe; they just seem to communicate, get along, and befriend each other with so much ease. I have been drawn into helping professions my entire adult life (I am 38). I have been a youth pastor, a residential youth care worker and some other jobs that have me providing a lot of support to people. I have come to realize that I am more comfortable in relationships at work that are not really relationships ; I can just help people and spend time with them without the expectation that they will offer anything back to me because it would be unethical. I cannot make friends because I do not have the capacity to believe that anyone would want to spend time with me if I do not have something to offer them. When I meet people I think I could get along with, I actually end up hoping that they are broken in some way so that I can be a friend until they manage to get their act together. Otherwise I am just not worth it. I want to get better but I have literal decades of bad thinking that always convince me Ill never be anything more than what I feel myself to be. I am even having trouble writing this because all I can think is that who wants to listen to a middle aged man whine about how he cannot make friends and feels like hes only useful and never really wanted. So anyway, there is more but that is all I can think of for right now. I do not Feel Completely Real",Depression +23144,I know benzodiazepines and alcohol can do the trick just not sure I have enough. Will 10 mg of Ativan and a pint of vodka be enough?,Suicidal +23145,"I feel like every day is a loop just repeating over and over again I have lost all interest in every hobby I have done. I am stuck in my room all day doing nothing I use to take up my time by playing video games but that got boring so manly My day constants of me sleeping and getting yelled (by parents) at for doing so but every time I try to talk to them about hang with friends and other thing (its the only thing I can think of rn) its all ways a shutdown so I have given up on that a while ago, but the irony of it is that my other siblings(older and younger) can do all those thing so it one those being poor but surrounded by wealth thing but do not really care any more so,and I am slowly giving up each and every day but the only thing that is stopping me from doing it is not knowing what is going to happen after. But the loop it just goes and goes every day just feels the same, thinking it will change but it will not and I have such a hard time grasping that, when I wake up tomorrow Ill think there is going to be a change but there is not and it feels like its consuming me and hoping every day is my last. I do not like going outside anymore bc of the social thing and I know its hurting more and more but I just given up so I still do not know when Ill just end it but it should be soon did not type this as a Pitt thing just felt like it. I have gotten so bored sometimes Ill just have a conversation with an imaginary therapist to talk about my day but it just ends up with me realizing that my life is a nothing I listen to peoples problems online and help them but never ask for help bc it feels like the person that gives you advice should not be sad but ldk I am just rambling on I am hoping this a goodbye but if not Ill probably make another post or something. Idk man I am hoping but, well I do not know",Suicidal +23146,"# Freedom is an illusion. Money buys an illusion of freedom. To me I define freedom, doing whatever you want without suffering non of the consequences...but the way this system has been designed is that there is one group controlling the other.Whatever social group you associate yourself with. If you do find freedom, eventually religion will find a way to steal it by breaking the law so they can run a story on you or sending someone from the darkweb to steal your hard earned money so the big media companies can run a story on you on how deeply flawed you are and how perfect they are.Women control the world and the internet including the darkweb and deep web and I2P and the entire financial market.You are a slave so get used to it because women are crazy and men are stupid. why you have no freedom",Depression +23147,"I am new to Reddit. My eldest son was always sending me links to stuff on here that he would found interesting and Id end up in a Reddit rabbit hole every now and again but I have never posted anything. So 3 months since, I found my eldest son. He had taken his own life. He was 22. Since then my world has pretty much fallen apart as you would expect. I have 2 younger children and a partner (we were actually separated at the time my son took his own life but I have not been in a great place and hes stuck around). I always thought I was a good parent. My kids are smart, funny, well mannered, all round balanced kids (or so I thought). I have never been suicidal until after this. I am overcome by guilt for not being able to save my son. I attempted suicide after his funeral. I feel so bad for my younger children but this feels much bigger than the love I have for them. When my son was small, I had a partner who lived with us, he was a great guy and loved the kids but there was no spark for me. I was young myself and I asked my partner to leave. A few months before he died, my son mentioned to me that he always blamed himself for my partner leaving because he said,he had asked if he could call him dad and Id said he could. I told him I did not remember this but of course it was never his fault and I was sorry I did not make that clearer to him at the time (he would have been 6). So over the years its mainly been me and the kids and I dated guys but it never amounted to anything. The kids never wanted for anything, I went to uni and got a good job and we always had holidays to nice places etc. I was proud of my kids, how Id managed to bring up such amazing kids on my own and I never really minded being on my own. So now, after this, I feel completely responsible. I did not realise my son was feeling this way. We worked different hours so usually communicated by text but this was every day. We had a lot in common and we got on well and had always had a good relationship. Since he died, I have found out that he told an ex girlfriend he had suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts all through his teens, I never knew this. I feel like I have completely failed my son and also his younger siblings. I feel like now, if Id have stayed with my ex partner all those years ago, the kids would have had a father figure and someone around who loved and cared for them I am addition to me. I am almost certain he would still be alive. I feel like my immature decisions when I was younger were selfish. It was not intentional but I feel that the fall out has been massive and now there is nothing I can do to fix this. I think about ending my life most days because I simply cannot live with guilt of what I have done. I was always a really positive person. I always thought, no matter what went wrong in life, I had my kids. Now I feel that I have completely ruined not only my life, but theirs and in a way that cannot be fixed. Family and friends have not been in touch since the funeral and I do not really feel this is the kind of thing anyone could understand. I feel a weird kind of calm when I think of not being here any longer. I have completely ruined everything.",Suicidal +23148,"I just wish that life was different. My life is not even that bad on the outside, I have a great family, I live in a decent area, I do not really have many external struggles, and when I say that I do not mean to brag I am simply saying it for a little bit of context. I am 19 years old and for as long as I can remember I have just had this emptiness inside of me. I do not like to talk about it a lot with the people around me but it really is something that just eats at me. It feels like there is no middle ground for my emotions. One minute I can feel like life is great and the next I just wish I had not been born in the first place. I just wish I was not here. I have felt this way since I would say I was around 11 or 12. It feels like any bit of happiness I get is just a temporary high but I always come down and sink into this dark place that I cannot crawl out of. No matter what I just always end up finding myself in this pit. I just think of how I wish none of this had ever happened, I could have just not been born. I think about suicide a lot, but its not something I truly want to act on. Its not that I want to die, I do not truly want to die, I just wish Id never been here. I am not necessarily afraid of death, it feels like I am just kind of waiting for it to happen. I would not search for it but I am also not afraid of it happening. Id like to think that it would be comforting to know that everything just goes away. It would just be over. No more stress, no more sadness, no more worrying about this or that, just the peaceful notion that I do not have to deal with anything anymore. Does anybody else feel this way? I am tired of living a day to day life and feeling like I am trapped in this reality I want nothing to do with. I just want to be at peace. I just wish it had never happened in the first place. I just wish it was over",Depression +23149,"Really, I do not care anymore, I would throw myself from the balcony right now I do not care, I am tired. But I love my mother and she raised me when the rest of my family was absent, we only had ourselves during my childhood and early teenage years. I cannot do that to her, we talk everyday and she is so glad when I laugh, she wants to believe I am not a lost because so bad, but I am. I cannot hate myself more than I do, I am a worthless piece of shit and I hate existing with all my sick mind and body, I am 27 I lived long enough I want to stop this right now. The only reason is my mom",Depression +23150,"Fuck living man, it is constant struggle, people even your own family putting you down. Zero trust in their own son. it is hard to get a job in these scenarios and I have been trying for months on end and it does not work. I have been depressed because of a lot of rejections and my family keeps blaming and accusing me of being worthless.it is past the tipping point and my mental health is down the gutter. Is living even worth it? There is no place in this world for me. Might as well just die than be a waste of space.",Suicidal +23151,"I have been up all night backed up against the corner of my room scared shitless and on the verge of tears. Everything itches I think I have made myself bleed from scratching said itches. there is been constant periodic knocking on my door and footsteps all night and I think I am the only one up. I have completely trashed my room and spent a while earlier just lying on the floor. I think I am having a panic attack from being off my meds, but if so its been a hell of a long one. Idk if this fits the sub but I have no idea where else to go I think I have officially lost it",Suicidal +23152,"I have been convinced my depressive states were environmental, only to remove the environment and still have issues. Its kind of incredible I can be sad, believe I know what is causing it, only for it not to be something more. Although I do support the changes I made, it is as if some depressive tendencies have just followed me and taken a new form in my new environment.Dear brain: may I speak to the manager? A skill I am grappling with is knowing whether my depressive states are caused by my environment/situation or myself, my nature",Depression +23153,my friends are out of town and either way its not like they ever understood i do not blame them my mother refuses to validate any thing I am going through as she is already done so much for me its impossible I am not happy i do not blame her either but death has become my only escape its getting really bad again,Suicidal +23154,Sometimes I feel like dying because I wonder who would show up at my funeral. No many people actually give a shit about people until they are dead.,Suicidal +23155,"Good bye, world! I want to say, thank you, for the good things I had, even if they were few and far between. I want to say, thank you, for all the TV shows and the music that lessened the pain. And I want to say, thank you, to my parents. I know they tried to help they just did not know how.But there is no other options left for me. I do not want to take meds. I would rather be dead that than take another shit pill ever again in my life. And please save yourself the usually comments about seeking help. The help is literally worse than death itself. I cannot help but wonder how many lives have been destroyed by the mental health field. there is nothing but emptiness inside of me. But the rage at those shrinks is still there and it will be there till I take my last breath.After 31 years of endless suffering, I am finally leaving this body that has caused me such excruciating pain behind. Maybe there is a better place waiting on the other side maybe there is not, but at least its the end of all the pain. Its just that these last hours feel incredibly lonely, so come say good bye! I will still be around for the next 12 hours or so. It would be really nice not to go alone!My heat goes out to everyone on here! Hope you find peace! And catch you on the other side! I am Leaving Tonight",Suicidal +23156,1st poster and not enough long term lurker! Been feeling increasingly lower and lower the last few days. Work is customers asking for free things all the time and screaming at you if you say no. #1stworldproblem I know and especially with COVID I am lucky to be healthy in my body I just wish my mind was! Anyway rant/sharing over. Thanks Feeling awful and low,Depression +23157,"The little kitten that got accidentally killed, its memories and moments are haunting me I am unable to get passed it. Not knowing what to do, it is killing me, the sweet face, the last meal he had, the tragic moment, too much it is all just too much to take in. I wish the earth would just swallow me up or that I could just disappear. The grief is so overwhelming): Haunting memories",Depression +23158,"I just want to be happy and by myself. I never really learned how to talk to girls, but part of me is happy I did not. Both of my past relationships somehow happened, but a part of me hated being in them. I was always paranoid they were talking to other guys, or they lost interest in me. In the end, it did not matter cus they are both exs now. I just like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. I can smoke or drink as much as I want and no ones going to be upset at me. I can play all the video games I want and I do not have to FaceTime anyone. I can hang out with anyone I want without worrying about beef between girlfriends. Maybe I do not like to be controlled, maybe I am controlling, either way its for the best I am not in a relationship. I do not want love",Depression +23159,How much do you currently spend per month on your mental health medications? Monthly cost of mental health medications?,Depression +23160,"This is just something I wrote down.. The more I go on, the more I disregard my feelings. The more I try, the more I get hurt. The more I feel happy, the further I fall. The more I go on, the more I do not feel connected to anything. The more I live thinking it will get better, the more it gets worse. The more I want to end it. The more I",Suicidal +23161,I get so angry and sad all of the time to the point where it does not even feel like I am me. I think about ending it sometimes just because I do not want to bring this on my friends and family. it is not me. But it is becoming me. I have had a migraine for 12hrs and I cannot sleep. It just fucking sucks. I just want to be healthy. I feel like I have a corrupted mind,Depression +23162,I made a mistake at work and I cannot get over it ( it was not terrible and I am still employed) however its all I think about now and has become my existence. I am getting to the point I cannot do my job anymore. And I am going insane. Doc is now prescribing me meds that I never in my life thought Id be on. Ruminating thought me like crazy. I am just done. Just do not know how to survive Screwed up,Depression +23163,"I just found out about this subreddit and decided to check it out. This is one of if not the most depressing sub I have ever seen. And just the thought of people supporting each other and not expecting anything in return just puts a smile on my face and restores faith. I myself may not be suicidal for now, I am just often sad but I really hope that there would always be people to support strangers.Thank you. This post is here just to thank the people who are willing to help.",Suicidal +23164,"I used to be the master of fake it til you make it. Hiding my ED, masking my hopelessness, but lately I cannot even do that. Talking to people is a chore. Spending time w my bf used to be the only thing that made me feel something other than grief and irritation, but lately it takes too much energy to even speak.Thinking is a chore. Forcing myself to sleep is a chore (but sleeping is the closest I can get to not existing so I do it anyways). Writing this is a chore I cannot even fake it anymore",Depression +23165,Just had a session yesterday. It felt so good to say all the things that I have been holding for the past 3 weeks. there is not a therapy session where I do not cry. Before I use to be so embarrassed when I start to cry but now I just let it all out. My therapy is super good and makes me so comfortable. Sucks that I have her for only twice a month. Therapy,Depression +23166,"Lately I have noticed I have very little emotional reaction to anything. This has been a sort of on and off thing for as long as I can remember, but it has been lasting for a while this time. I do not really know how to describe it, it is not like I am sad, or like I never feel happy, sometimes I do, but most of the time I do not really feel anything. I spend a lot of my days watching YouTube or grinding out my summer class. At night I wach anime or movies, this is mostly when I have the most feelings, if I am watching something good at creating them in me. This is kind of rambling but I have been like this before, and then I have periods where I do not feel like this at all and a mostly normal. I honestly do not really think this is depression, But it seems similar to what other people have written about depression so I figured I might as well ask. I will occasionly have very vivid thoughts about killing myself, I have no desire to ever do that, but more and more I think about it constantly. I also will have the num feeling interrupted by random directionless anger sometimes. I do not know what triggers this. Anyway, dose this seem like depression to anyone here, and if so, what can I do about it? I tend to perfure the periods in my life where I have more feelings. Do I Have Depression",Depression +23167,"I cannot handle it anymore. Why cannot I live with a normal family with normal issues? Why does it have to be like this? My relationship with them is ruined its so awkward I cannot even look at them and I already have severe untreated social anxiety to make it 100000 times worse. No one even understands how bad it is I always get new weird symptoms that ruins my life every time. Its like just one argument will ruin everything and I cannot talk to them like I normally do. First it was my dad, now its my siblings? I cannot go anywhere I am stuck in this house forever. I have always been stuck in my house even before the pandemic. I avoided going out because of social anxiety it destroyed everything, my mental health, my relationship with friends, family. Not just that, my dad has always been socially awkward so he rarely took me and my siblings anywhere when we were young. On top of that I got bullied in middle school which is the main because of my SA. Every morning when I wake up I feel sick and do not want to get out bed. I do not t eat much anymore because I do not want to see them. The life that I am living is weird. I already have mental issues so this problem will only make me feel worse. I recently had an argument with my sibling and they were the closest one I do not think we will talk like we normally do anymore. I want to end it all I will never have my normal life back. I tried to search everywhere on the internet for people with the same issues but I could not find anyone. I am lonely with no friends too I cannot talk to anyone about it. I am not even good at making friends I will ignore anyone who will try to befriend me because I get anxious and scared that they might judge me for every word I say. I feel like I have no hope in this life and I was brought into this world only to suffer, I was never meant to be here. My parents do not even believe in something as mental illness and when i talk to my mom about it she either tell me to ignore it or to get out of the room because I am giving her a headache. I am writing this bc I have no one else to talk with. When I say that I cannot do anything about it, I really mean it. there is no solution for this only death will fix it. But ironically I have a strong fear of death and I get horrible anxiety when I think of it. I am stuck between not wanting to kill myself and not wanting to live. I do not want to be here",Suicidal +23168,"I have got anxiety ocd and depression, I am on lots of different meds and I feel awful still I have tied my mind up in knots trying to self protect and I cannot untie them. I feel like I just want to give up I have really had so much more than I can take. cannot get this brain to unscramble feel like I am losing touch with reality.",Suicidal +23169,"I want to give up on all my goals and all my responsibilities, go to Comic-Con one last time, go to Disneyland one last time, and then say ""well, that was a good life. Time to be done."" Bucket List",Suicidal +23170,"i am unhappy, and i am a terrible person. there is no fixing me. why must i continue? why is it so heinous for me to commit? i have no loving family or friends, i will not be missed. i just want to leave. tell me why i should stay alive when it serves no purpose other than for me to be inflicted and inflict pain.",Suicidal +23171,"I have struggled with depression for a very long time, and have had good periods and very bad periods. My depression took a down swing mid-2020 and I have been struggling to claw out of it since then. Recently my suicidal thoughts have been getting stronger and harder to reason beyond. I am at a point now where even at work I find it hard to focus on things without that part of my mind asking me to die. Does anyone have any useful strategies that they have relied on in the past to work through their dark thoughts? cannot think past my suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +23172,How long did it take? What was the process? I am curious and would appreciate any information on how this went for you! How did you get diagnosed with depression?,Depression +23173,Everyone in this sub is really supportive and i just want to give something back :) Writing and talking about depression really helps a lot but i guess some of us lack the motivation to do so. So if you are reading this feel free to share your story in the comments and let others (and me of course) comment on it. Share your story,Depression +23174,"I have been here under a different name but I am my throwaway account here My issues spiralled out of control 3 months ago and I got started on antidepressants last month. My break downs have been more manageable since then but I still get them every now and then, just less frequently.My close friend who was there for me in the beginning had to divert more time away from me because she just started dating someone else. That was just before I got on meds, so feeling even more alone than ever made me spiral worse. And lately I just.. started questioning my gender. Feeling dysphoric with some features of mine. And I get imposter syndrome too. Some days I kept wondering if I am just going through a phase, if I am just bored because of a lack of social interaction. Yet on other days the dysphoria feels so real. I feel discomfort when the way others treat me indicate that I am seen in a somewhat masculine light, or if I look into the mirror and see features I dislike about myself. Then I wonder what it would be like to transition, and the fear that I would have to come out to my family and friends strikes me hard. Like my family is not exactly transphobic, but when I told them I was thinking of getting on finasteride to get stronger hair (in reality I hated the male hairline and wanted to look more soft and feminine), my dad disapprovingly said that it was going to make me soft, and a man needs to retain his masculinity. He even went on to say that the male hairline is a sign of me being male, etc (of course he does not know that is precisely what I feel dysphoric about). So yea, general anxiety and a somewhat controlled depression atm, coupled with a potential(?) gender dysphoria is really messing with me mentally and emotionally. I do not even know for sure myself yet since I am still confused about my identity. I cannot imagine how I might have lost my sanity if I was not on antidepressants already. But yea, this is my story. Feeling supremely messed up",Depression +23175,"I had this thought. And I have had it before with my anxiety too. And I have noticed that so many people do too. I have seen posts on refit, whether its depression, anxiety, ocd or ptsd. Why do we sometimes feel like were faking it? Or question if we could we more like. What if I do not actually have depression and I am just making it up..",Depression +23176,"So the cook was excited for us to try his food, but I made myself something to eat instead. He was disappointed and frustrated that I would not eat his food. Why do I feel like I have to force myself to go eat his food even though I am not hungry? Like it is horrible that he is disappointed and that I should have waited to eat his food instead of making mine. I do not like to feel like his prisoner, I can do whatever I want. Can you reassure me that I am not crazy? Need advice",Depression +23177,"I am not a good son, I am not a good brother, I am not a good friend, I am not a good person, I only exist to ruin everything. I crave the feeling of nothing at all, I wish I could have never existed, then maybe I would not have turned out this way. I am definitely not ok",Suicidal +23178,"I have pretty much decided to kill myself, to repent for things I have done in my own way. it is not from a place of self-pity. I just feel remorseful about how I have turned out, and I have too much empathy for those I have affected to let it go without repercussion. I do not know when I will do it because of the impact it will have on my family who already struggle with their mental health. I trust God will comfort them whenever it happens, and when I get up there he judges me according to his will. Selfishly, it gives me peace to know that I am paying a price for everything. It feels just. :) I am a stain",Suicidal +23179,"I do not want to continue anymore. Everything I have ever tried has failed. To give you a brief story, I used to be a passionate person. I got inspired to do magic since I was 10. Got really good at it too and tried to start a YT. That did not work. I got an audition opportunity to perform on Penn and Teller: Fool Us. They never responded and I was crushed (even though I know that there are other magicians that did not get on, it still stung though). When I turned 21, I got really inspired to learn how to count cards and got really good at it. Got a few winning days, then eventually, the variance caught up with me and I lost 2500 in one day. Everything I have ever had a passion for is just crushing me and making me less motivated and less inspired.All this talent that I have was wasted on the wrong person. Not to brag, but I can count cards, have hypnotised people, pickpocketed cops, solved a rubik's cube blindfolded, and can play the saxophone. All this talent was definitely wasted on the wrong person because I can never just get one thing to work out for me. it is as if the universe is deliberately trying to ensure that I am never happy and always fail. I thought counting cards could help me save for an apartment, I even told my girlfriend that I can be financially stable now... How am I going to tell her that my life is falling apart?..My point being, I do not want to keep trying. I do not want to live anymore. I want to die, but I am too scared to do anything about it. I am done with getting motivated for something only for it to not work out and end up putting me in a worse spot. I just do not want to live anymore I am done with life",Suicidal +23180,"My half birthday, August 3rd. I will probably be dead by then. I have a date",Suicidal +23181,"If anyone lives in the Philippines here, can someone send me something or someone to kill me?Thank you. I am done.",Suicidal +23182,"I know thisll pass but being here really does suck. The moments I cannot escape, I feel everyday those chances are getting slimmer. I have to force it.these negative thoughts do not define me but without them I am nothing. Before I was sick all I ever did was run awaysick or nothing..atleast there is no pain It only felt good to run away",Depression +23183,"I have a filet knife on me, I do not even want to think about what I am going to do blood",Suicidal +23184,"it is my birthday next Monday.Last September I was in the psych ward under suicide watch after 6 months of active/passive suicidal ideation. I have bipolar 2, CPTSD, childhood sexual abuse, in recovery from an eating disorder, treatment resistant depression, Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures (since all my tests have come out non conclusive), a history of alcoholism and addiction in my family, as well as a current substance use disorder, and situational trauma from immigration, cheating and divorce.I have worked as a caregiver in treatment facilities, as an advocate in emergency shelters, in mental health clinics, in domestic violence shelters, and as a case manager in several non profits. I have been on the other side of the line when people call while being suicidal, while being in crisis, while being in danger, when they ask for help.I have gone through countless trainings about suicide prevention, de escalation, crisis management, active listening, assessing and determining care and ultimately how to help someone in the best way I can when they need someone that can listen to them.Today, I went to a pawn shop, picked a handgun and put my name down for the wait list for the background check. The clerk said it will be a week for the background check to clear (wait times increased since the pandemic started, it was a day or two before that) and then I will be able to pick up the handgun and go about my day.it is my first gun, no one seemed concerned about my lack of knowledge about guns, how I was fumbling and shaking while checking the gun out, and how I was so fixated on the wait time and kept asking if there was any way to get it sooner.I have researched on what would be the best way to do this. I have come up with 3 options. 1. Opiates: I am trying to find a way to get Opiates, even though I have never used them, I know a couple people that have overdosed and (some of them) have come back and said it is quick and painless. If I do not get them by Monday I will move on to the next option. 2. Hanging: I have practiced short suspension, I have tried it and chickened out every single time I start to close my eyes. The moments of consciousness while sitting with the rope on my neck have scared me, but I know how to do it. If the other options do not work out, I will try again.3. Gun: back home in my country, guns were something I had never touched and only had seen people in the military or in the war use. When I moved to the US I landed in a state that is very passionate about guns, I still refused to touch them. It was not until 2 years ago that I shot my first gun in range, while my whole body was shaking. Even though I had been in the hospital for suicidal ideation, a couple months later, my partner became a gun enthusiast and started buying guns. He keeps them in a safe and makes sure I cannot access them, EXCEPT, when we go shooting together, a few months after the hospital I went from not being able to hear or see guns, to going shooting regularly. I became more comfortable holding them, feeling them, seeing them, using them. My partner saw this as a sign of progress, as a sign of recovery. I see this as progress as well, to take my own life.I have been on and off medications for the last 9 years, anyone with bipolar knows all the cocktails and the back and forth of adjusting, adding, removing, the promises of ""let us just wait until you are in the right dose,etc.""The last cocktail was lithium, Lamictal and abilify. Right now, we settled on being off lithium (after months of begging to be off of it because I was feeling like a zombie) and move to prozac and keep the highest dose. of Lamictal. Well, at this point this is just rambling. But the point of all of this is to say, I know what I am talking about, I know about treatment, I know about prevention and warning signs, I know about safety plans, I know about inpatient, about outpatient, about support networks, and I know how hard it is to care for someone that is depressed and suicidal. I know what we have all been told that should be done.And yet, whatever happens next week, I will either hang myself, overdose or shoot myself in the head. I would planned to drive alone on my birthday, go to ny favorite spot, watch the sunset and pull the trigger, but the wait time for the background check caught me off guard. I will probably do the same if I manage to score the opiates. Id rather not to hang myself at home, I have tried and my dogs always lay next to me, and I back out, but it will be the last resort if all else fails.I have not finished writing all the notes for everyone but I will get it done before the weekend ends. I have written a list of what should happen to my belongings, my dogs, my burial, and all the contact information for family, work and friends.I am having a big party on Saturday for my birthday and will see almost all my friends. it will be really nice to see everyone before leaving. My partner has said he is burnt-out, that it is been a year of making sure I keep living, but he is also resentful, that all the effort he is put to make sure I am safe and happy has only given me the freedom to be reckless and self destructive. I know he is tired, but he will not have to deal with me for much longer.After a year of asking people to keep me company, to talk to me and call me when I have been in crisis, a year of asking for help constantly, I think I am done. I have not told anyone about my plans. I have spent my days cleaning and organizing, throwing away things and making sure it will not be so hard to clear out my place after I am gone.So far the only big red flag that shows I will commit suicide is that I was emotionless when I broke the news I would gotten fired from a job I had really wanted and had fought to get, all I said was that ""it was okay and I knew it was my fault anyways"" oh well.Well, after all this rambling, do you think I am missing something? Do you think I should say something else to someone? Maybe I am missing something I should do before I go?Thank you for reading, peace and love! Plan of action. Loose ends, rationale and means",Suicidal +23185,"I only have three things keeping me here, and one of them is a fucking band. I feel so disconnected from my body, and I deal with harrasment daily. One of the few things keeping me here is a trip to visit my friends. What happens once I get that? My schedule is fucked, I have no motivation, I am talked over by the people I love, I do not have anyone to relate to, and i hate burdening my people with my problems. it is so hard for me to do things, even just getting out of bed. I wish I had some sort of diagnosis at least. How do I keep going?",Suicidal +23186,"Today I got divorced. Yay! Great news, right? I should be celebrating and jumping with happiness because that is what I have been wanting for the past 2 years But it turned out to be the exact opposite I have been seeing a guy since Oct 2020 Right after I broke up with my ex-husband, I started seeing him. We were just fuck buddies and eventually I caught the feelings. For a long time, I seriously thought that he wanted to be with me and the only thing holding him back was me still being married to his friend. But throughout the 9 months we have been together it has not been all great. It has had its ups and downs. I have been rejected sex many times and he always made it seem like I am the problem. Sadly, this has made my depression way worse, and I tried to commit suicide. He always brought up comments about his previous sex life being the best and well me not so great. Yippie Yet I tried to improve. I lost some weight, I tried being a better person, I tried giving better blow jobs, and I tried to ride him better. Our sex life, well for me was great in the beginning, but now its not that great. He does not want to touch me. He just wants blowjobs and me to ride him. That is it no kissing, no foreplay, no eating me out, and no other positions. So lately it has gotten boring. I am sure I can have more fun with my toys by myself. Anyways since I have caught these feelings for him, I am having a harder time letting go of him I want this attention and I still want to have sex with him even though its plain. Today since I got divorced, I thought things were going to change. I thought he was going to want to take me out to celebrate and later tonight have great sex and he does not have to feel guilty about having sex with his friends married wife. He said it used to bother him a lot. But that did not happen at all. He got home and he just wanted a blowjob I said no I got mad and he got mad. After 20 minutes after I calmed down, I tried explaining to him why I got mad. I told him I wanted him to let me know that he wanted me instead of me feeling like I am the one that is always initiating it I just want to feel wanted. But he said that I could have just sat on it I tried to make things better since I had already fucked up, but he already got mad because I said no to his blowjob and now he does not want to kiss me or have make-up sex and that I ruined his mood. Guess I ruined the whole night I shaved all smooth just for him I guess it was dumb of me to think me being divorced would want him to want me more and possibly love me. Stupid of me. Anyways because of this whole ordeal I honestly thought about cutting more. Its dumb because I already cut up my arm bad 7 big cuts and the scars will not fade. So, I am trying to not cut at all. Anyways I do not know what to do. I am afraid of losing him forever. I love him I do not know if I should just pretend that I do not care about him anymore and just stop asking for sex I wish I loved myself enough to walk away because all that I am doing is hurting myself for loving him. He makes me feel like my pussy is gross. That I am too fat. Too emotional have too much baggage. If I am crying, he just sits there on his phone he does not even try to talk to me. He says I am just being a big dumb cry baby. Guess I need someone who understand my depression and mood swings. Someone who will appreciate my love. Guess I fall for the wrong guys, right? Maybe I need a girlfriend. Thanks for reading typing out this has made me stop crying and the feeling to cut myself has gone away. I know what many of you are going to say you are dumb and stupid for loving him and staying in that relationship. Yes, I am aware. You got to love yourself more. I know I am trying, but I cannot. I hate myself so I try to get other people to love me and fill that void Just kick him to the curb I cannot he is my roommate and helps with the bills or else ill probably lose my housingI just hope one day I will stop loving him and stop caring or maybe resent him and move on.I hope I can start loving myself so I can stop relying on other people love. Maybe I did not get loved enough as a child. My childhood was pretty shitty family molestation abuse sucks. I do not know how to love or function as a normal person. :/ Sorry my thoughts were all over the place since I wrote this being all emotional and crying and all. So please do not comment about my grammar and that I should go back to school. I do not need that now. I just wanted to get this out of my system. Thanks again guys. Tonight Sucks...",Depression +23187,I will never find a girl cuz of my short arms. My face is pretty good but it does not matter. I am 178 cm tall and my shoulder range is 168. I look like a fucking child. I am thinking about ending it all Trex arms,Suicidal +23188,"Twice in a row I have not been able to make my fianc cum during sex. It seems like 25-50% of the time I cannot make him cum because I get too wet. He swears he does not need to cum during sex to enjoy it and showers me with love, but I do not believe him and I am afraid he is going to cheat on me or leave me because I apparently suck at sex. I do not even enjoy sex anymore, it gives me anxiety. I am a worthless human being and I should just put myself 6 feet under. I have plenty of tylenol and naproxen to overdose on, maybe I will do that. Any suggestions? I cannot please my fianc, I might as well kill myself",Suicidal +23189,"My life is a fucking mess all because of my dad. He hated my mom and threatened to kill her back when they were together, and now that hes still pissing my mom off after they have divorced, she is taking it out on me. I have to sit and listen to them fucking scream about each other and I am fucking tired of it. On top of that my dad is extremely homophobic so I cannot ever be myself around him anyway. When I told my mom I was bisexual she tried to convince me that I was not, but I guess that is better than my dad calling me a faggot or hitting me. At this point I cannot do anything except sit here and be a stupid loser because my parents were too fucked up to teach me how to be normal. I cannot fucking stand them but I have to. I just want someone here to comfort me when I am sad, but I am too anxious and antisocial to make any friends. I just want to hang myself so I do not have to deal with this shit anymore. I just wish my parents were normal, so I could be at least a little normal instead of an ugly dumbass that no one likes. But that did not happen. I want to fucking die so bad because Ill never be happy. I just want a hug. I want to be okay. Fucked up parents",Suicidal +23190,"I do not feel like living anymore. All i do is hope for a better tomorrow but it never cimes. I loved one way street too many times. what is wrong with me?I like people, i try to help my friends though tough times. But no one is here for me. I want to die so bad. My favourite fantasm is to drive at 200kmhand hit a wall. I m not strong enough to end myself. I would not mind if it looked like an accident I like music and driving fast and i want it to end me Die.. i want to end it all.. i m tired",Depression +23191,I do not know how I am doing this. Its like I have detached from my own body & mind. I am watching myself be a robot & somehow its easier to do that than to drown in your own head. I really do not know who I am. I have been functioning by disassociating.,Depression +23192,"Being in the class of 2020 I always thought that my life would lead me to either joining The military or going to college. However, when the pandemic hit everything in my life turned upside down. I lost friends, I lost family and I lost myself. For starters, I would go to the recruiting office every day, because my recruiter would call me fat and dumb if I did not show up. I remember specifically one day I gained 1 pound after losing 15 for her. And when she found out about that one pound she put me on a water diet where I only drink liquids. However this dinner because I gained some of the weight back. From that point on, I knew she starts to lose hope when I have seen her talk to my other friends about me. From there I caught Covid, and could not leave my bed for a whole month. And When I went back to the recruiting office, I saw more as a faker than a human being. Moving forward, from that point on we had a chat, and she told me straight up that I would not do anything good in my life, and she said that the army is the only good thing for me. That night I starved myself from June 25-29 hoping to get skinnier to show her that I was right. However, I found out the hard way, that it did not help but made my weight worse. It has now been a year since I starved myself. However nothing has changed, I had a sit down with my family, About how I want to do college and try it out, so I can have a back plan. Except for being met with all right feedback, I was met with feedback that made my thoughts worsen. From calling me a retard to me getting told I will never be good enough . Sadly every time I try to bring this up, either call me names to stop the conversation or hide my paperwork of colleges. I am sorry if this is so long, I just cannot take it no longer Family trouble",Depression +23193,"I am at a point where I am on the road to a mental breakdown. I really wish I had the courage to end it but I know Ill never go through with it because I have a 2 year old son.It started four years ago when I was in an abusive situation with a guy who was much older than me: I was so in love but now I realize he was a narcissist. One night he said something degrading and I decided to leave but instead he assaulted me. No one believed me not even the police. I later found out that this well put together person had had other restraining orders against him and had been in prison for eight years. That was shocking. Anyway, I developed PTSD.The year following this I started drinking heavily on the weekends to forget. I also exercised a ton and lost a lot of weight. that is when I met the father of my son. I thought he was a great guy and he treated me so well that I let my guard down. I was so scared of having sex but I did it. I told him about my sexual assault and was understanding. I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. I also found out that week that he had a girlfriend whom moved down two months after I discovered my pregnancy. That made my PTSD spiral out of control. I regained composure and was thankful that I was pregnant and made it my mission to have a great pregnancy. Quite frankly, I never want to date again nor do I miss sex. My main goal is to be a mother. Well, my little boy is two and I beginning to suspect he has autism and its taking a toll on me. Not only am I having suicidal ideation because of this issue but the assault issue is coming up and I keep thinking about it. I also have a lot of resentment toward my sons father for not helping him through this trying time. He knew I was pregnant and could care less what happens to his son. Hes never seen him and he even blocked me. Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. I wish I had the courage to end it but I do not. I really should have ended it four years ago. I would not exist and my son would not either so neither he or I would be suffering so much. Single parent and suicidal ideation",Suicidal +23194,"Last night, I took a walk to the river, it was a deep river and I could not swim. I looked down at the water, ready to take a plunge. But yet I hesitated, why? Why would I not give myself what I wanted for 15 years? Why am I so afraid?",Suicidal +23195,"My entire life has spontaneously combusted over the last couple of months. A 7-year relationship that I moved across the country for four years ago ended suddenly. My ex-partner, my best friend in the world, within a month of our breakup, started dating a mutual friend who has spent the entirety of the pandemic harassing, bullying, manipulating, and gaslighting our friends -- conveniently, everyone but my partner. She has been aware of this, to the extent that I have been comfortable confiding in her, because this friend has been making many of us feel like *garbage*. Meanwhile she is only gotten closer to them as they have driven a wedge between themselves and the rest of us, and the way she describes them is exactly the opposite of how the rest of us experience them; she excuses their behavior easily with things they have told her, but she does not see how a million separate excuses for individual examples of horrible behavior add up to a really ugly picture of a pathological liar and manipulator.And now, suddenly within a month of our breakup, they are fucking. Meanwhile I am trying and failing to find a place to live and a place to work. My best lead on an apartment right now needs me to have a job (I was high risk for covid and went on unemployment and have been struggling to find work), I finally gave up after getting absolutely no responses and applied at a cafe my friend works at, lowering my standards down to the fucking floor. But the commute there is an hour both ways by bus (despite being a 15-minute drive).I am going to end up in an apartment alone (which scares me; I have been depressed my whole life and have a LOT of trouble with it when I am by myself, I cannot do any repetitive tasks without someone to talk to without cycling through suicidal thoughts even at the best of times), without my cat (she is taking the cat because she can afford to, I cannot), losing my insurance (when I left my job due to the pandemic our domestic partnership let me be added to hers) and thus losing my therapist (who was out of network for months, who I would been paying out of pocket for the whole time, $175 per week which I could not afford, who was FINALLY very recently paneled by my insurance and was added to it), just as I am finally coming to terms with a lot of the gender issues and dysphoria I have dealt with my entire life (which my partner helped me through a lot of, and I was just, finally sitting on the precipice of a lot of positive change).Even after we broke up, she wanted to keep living with me. We found a perfect place. We applied, got accepted, they wrote the lease, sent it to us, and *then* she decided she wanted to live alone. She started spending more time with our abusive friend. They started dating, which is an *insane* rebound (less than a month after the end of a 7-year relationship?) and just... extremely insensitive to me (generally I find it shitty to date within a friend group, but to date a friend's recent long-term ex is about a thousand steps too far), and she even realizes this. She told me that, yeah, it was shitty. But she needed to do something for herself, to make herself happy.I am depressed. I have a low opinion of myself. I have a habit of telling myself that I deserve bad things. But I did not deserve *that*. I know I did not. *I am still living with my ex because we are still on this lease; they could not even wait until we lived separately*.I was in a horrible pit of depression during the pandemic. Shit kept going wrong. My mom attempted suicide right beforehand, it started right when I almost landed a new job, then George Floyd and protests and wildfires and a thousand things, and I just sort of shut down due to depression. She felt like she was carrying the weight for both of us. Which is fair. I wish I would been more... conscious, I guess.But to do something so immediate, so callous, so thoughtless, and then to tell me to my face that she recognizes that it is shitty but she does not care, *and* that she wants us to still be best friends despite it.She knows how I feel about them, has for a long time. she is always been my best friend, and I confided in her when I was afraid and confused and did not yet know the rest of our friends were experiencing the same thing. She knows how they have hurt me, hurt our other friends. She just keeps repeating the excuses they have given her.I am going to be stuck in a shitty job with two hours of commuting each day. I am going to be stuck alone in an apartment. I am not going to have the mental energy to do things I want to do: I had just outlined most of a novel series, I was ready to start writing it right before the breakup; I will not have the mental capacity or time to find another fucking job. I had just been grappling with this gender dysphoria and was looking into transitioning. I do not know that I can do that alone. I do not know that I can do *anything* if I am spending 11 hours of my day, 5 days a week traveling and working. My supposed best friend honestly just fucking betrayed me; her leaving suddenly hurt, but jumping in bed with the last fucking person in the world I would ever be comfortable around, someone she knows well has hurt me. I had already been grappling with her dating other people because she said she wanted to start dating casually; I had wrapped my head around it, she said it would be a long time before she could even think about entering another actual relationship... and then, suddenly, she starts fucking an abusive, manipulative, horrible presence in my life, someone our friends have been working up to a confrontation with as they continue to sink their teeth in.I just do not know her anymore. she is a completely different person. I cannot understand what she sees in them, I cannot understand why she is doing any of this, it all came out of nowhere, and I cannot see my life getting any better from here. It feels like my life is over. It feels like I have nothing. Even our friend group is fracturing because of this fucking manipulative bastard sitting in the middle of it, laughing while they tear people down around them. I have no motivation. I am confused. I am lost. I am empty. I feel like I keep falling off of cliffs, one after another.I could move back east, live with my mom again. she is been asking me to do that the whole four years I have lived out west. She cries. She says she is depressed, has nothing without me, that she does not know what to do without me. But living with her was miserable. I could not do anything. I could not flourish. And then after 3 years of long distance I moved out west, giving up everything, and then I *did* flourish. For 4 years I grew and became something. I felt at home, at peace, I had a partner who I loved more than anything. We were a team, we were adventuring companions, we were each other's home.And now that is all gone. I do not know what to do. I do not know where to go from here. I feel empty and lost and shitty and I am stuck with the reality of this person who is been nothing but horrible to my friends and I running off with the woman I love, seemingly developing an entire false personality that is completely the opposite of how they behave whenever she is not around. they are the one fucking person in the world I could not handle her leaving me for. And fucking talking about them makes me feel insane, because ""developing an entire separate personality for the sake of manipulation"" sounds fucking crazy, it is something I would not believe at all if it is not something I was witnessing with my own eyes, and had not already seen my father do for years, and if I was the only one seeing it. But I am not. A number of us do.I just want to wake up. I just want to wake up from this dream. I gave everything for this relationship and now I have nothing. She still wants to be friends, she calls me her best friend, but friends do not act this callous, and I do not know how to be friends with someone who makes me feel this betrayed, this empty, this desperate and lonely and horrible.I do not want to be stuck in an apartment by myself, in a dead-end job that eats up half of every day. I do not want to be stuck with my overbearing mom again. I do not want to be stuck with strangers. Everyone I know is on a lease. None of these situations offer me the time or freedom or energy to be the person I have been fighting to become. I cannot imagine a version of the future that has any kindness, any hope. I have no motivation. I have had a knot in my gut for weeks that will not go away. I want this abuser out of my life. I want my best friend to at least act with some compassion. I want my cat. I want to feel home again, I want to feel family. I want to be able to eat without feeling sick.I want one more night where we sit together in bed reading separate books, and to turn off the lights to hold each other close. I want to go home again. I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare reality that I am stuck in where absolutely every single fear I have ever had is coming true. I want to stop feeling alone in this city I barely know, I want community and companionship and *hope* and *inspiration* and *motivation* and some fucking happiness.I want my fucking best friend back.Instead I just feel empty of anything but gut-wrenching pain. I am staring at a dead-end future and nothing but bad options. Fuck this. Let me wake up. Please, let me wake up. Losing absolutely everything. Betrayed by the most important person in my life. I am stuck in a bad dream I cannot wake up from.",Depression +23196,"I swear if there were a button to press to just end it immediately Id press itIm just so tired of it all I am just too pussy to do anything about itI have a dog and hes the only thing I am still alive for I am barely socialI do not have real friendsI feel so empty every nightFeeling any type of emotion is almost like a chore, if I am happy Ill just end up sad again so what is the pointwhat the fuck is the point of all this I am tired of feeling emotions",Suicidal +23197,I am a piece of shit undeserving of life. I do not deserve to be alive. I am better off without myself. I do not deserve anything,Depression +23198,I feel lonely and I want to cuddle with someone. I do not want to be alone. I am really having a hard time because I am lonely,Suicidal +23199,"Short backstory about me and why I am doing this: I am 19M. I have no social skills or friends. I live with my parents. I have no income or money. The most education I have is a GED. Long story short, the clock is ticking and I seriously need to get away by the end of this year or very early next year. Another long story short, my parents will NEVER let me willingly go or disappear without raising hell with cops, and I would also be almost completely justified in disappearing without a trace, I understand you would think that would hurt my mother but for sake of keeping this short, let us just say I do not owe her any type of explanation or updates for her to know I am still alive. I am willing to go anywhere that mainly speaks English. Preferably a country that is not super western like the US or UK, so it would be easier for me to get to know people and move on through life.Literally the only advantage I have is above average looks. I have no cash, physical assets like the title to a car or property, or connections for someone to help me out for a little in a different country. I have to leave the country so my family has no way of contacting me. The goal is to just purge my life before, in hopes that enough work in a new life can make it worth living.**Just to be clear, this is not some spur-of-the-moment cry for help. I have been legitimately considering this for a few months. The longer that clock ticks, the more I see it as the only option.**Any ideas? Is it actually possible to just start a new life somewhere else if you have no money or anyone to go to?",Depression +23200,I have started a new job after being unemployed for 6 months but its going horribly. I do not talk at all even though everyone else is normal and socializes i just stand there looking lost and stupid. Everytime i wake up i absolutely hate going into work because of how awkward i am. I always tell myself ill move out of my parents house and get a apartment to keep me going. But i keep saying to myself i want to end it. Fuck life Just want to die,Suicidal +23201,"Every night I ask God why I am here. I am not a good person, I am quite the opposite. I have stolen, I have lied, I have cheated, I gossip and say terrible things about people. I have thoughts sometimes where I imagine people in my family or close to me dying so I can get sympathy from others. I often sit and imagine scenarios such as these or have hero fantasies where I am saving the day or people are praising me for doing something cool or smart. Why do I have these thoughts? I am 100% not suicidal, I know that much about myself right now. But I believe I must devote my life to solely others in order to repay for my actions on this world. I feel unworthy of even being on this planet though, and the only way I can find forgiveness for what I have done is to give my life to serving others. I will admit a lot of what I have done on this planet are things which are forgivable, all not terrible things. I know that. But, I cannot forgive myself for even the smallest things. On top of it I am selfish, I have treated my parents terribly before. I have said mean things to them and once I even kicked my mother when I was a kid. I feel like I am becoming depressed. All these thoughts I have comes from stress i think, but even after stress passes these things linger in my mind. I do not know what to do.Anyone who understands what I am saying I ask for help. Please, and I appreciate any advice. I feel worthless and do not know what to do, I think I am depressed",Depression +23202,hi ! I am so tired. birthday,Suicidal +23203,I am the kind of person that craves touch and that is pretty much all it takes to keep me happy but why is it so hard just to find someone out there who wants to cuddle with you and spend time holding your hand and you try your best every single day just to find that one person who wants to be with you and touch you but everything you do seems to just push those people away you try to be nice but there is always someone out there who is nicer you try to look your best but someone out there looks better someone says your personality is amazing but they leave you afterwards right now I am feeling like I am not good enough because everything I do seems to never be enough to keep someone there just so I can feel the touch of someone else ( to a lot of people out there this is probably going to sound like nonsense but I hope someone out there understands) How can craving something as simple as touch be so hard to fulfill,Depression +23204,"I have some xanax here, felt anxious this morning and took only 0.25mg, anxiety is kind of gone but now i just want to finish all of the xanax i have, hoping i will not ever wake up.I was more than 1 month clean of suicidal thoughts until yesterday evening. I started remembering how shitty i am. My life boils down to self-destructing myself. Even when i feel like everything is fine and life's on my side, i make bad choices. I am afraid to hurt the people i love by continuing livingNo one around me have ever struggled with suicidal thoughts (and i wish they will never!), so it feels like they cannot understand me, i do not want them to think I am seeking attention, I am sick of being a burden i just want to end it",Suicidal +23205,ha i really want to die I am so tired. so long birthday,Suicidal +23206,"Ever since I was six or so, I have been scold several times by my parents of why I do not have any dreams. Up til now, I am about to go to college, I feel this insane pressure that supposedly you are supposed to know what you are going to do with the rest of your life at this point, you are supposed to be fully aware of yourself and know what to do. it is such a lie. we are sold to this belief that after University, take a job that your course is linked to, then you do that for the rest of your life, I mean, there is so much stuff out there that is not just higher education, being forced to dream on something that you are not entirely sure is just insanity, sometimes, all they want is for their child to have cool jobs so that they can brag on their friends of how great they are as a parent. It sucks, it truly is disgusting. there is so much things out there, getting pressured in an early age, cheating for grades for the subjects that you do not have any interests to. Then they scold you for being such a burden. Uughhhhh it sucks, I am currently learning 2 different languages now and I am planning to settle on a different state. I experienced all this stuff and realized Imma head out. Pressure is tearing me apart",Depression +23207,"I wish I was good enough, I always feel like I have to prove myself ; (. I am feeling really down and worthless ; (",Suicidal +23208,9th July 2021 will be my last day alive.Even if you see this nobody can help me I just hate my life too much and this is the only escape. Goodbye all Killing myself,Suicidal +23209,"title says it all. i have to start taking my meds again, starting today and i really do not want to. they ended up working and making me feel stable and that is the reason, on why i stopped taking them for a while. i hate the feeling of being stable or feeling normal. it does not feel right, it feels wrong. I am going to miss the comfort in being sad i do not want to get better",Depression +23210,My life is unventful and boring i do not want to wake up. Music sounds awful. I do not want to play video games practice my art skills. My family argue so much to the point where i just lose it. I do not want to go outside. I like hanging out with friends but never get to often. Is there something wrong with me? Also idk but this might be the wrong place to ask. I could just go and see a physiatrist. Am i depressed,Depression +23211,Just when I thought I met someone who really cared about me and they cheat on me. I am a fool for even thinking I deserve anything good in this world anymore . Nothing but aching pain Pain.,Suicidal +23212,but I am usually a big part of the reason it goes away so soon nothing good lasts forever,Depression +23213,"Seriously, is it normal cry everyday, 2-3 times a day? I do not remember it being like this a few years ago. A lot of things has happened which is unfixable and cannot do much about it, but still, it feels weird. I do not remember the last time i felt happy. I am feeling guilty all the time about everything. I am 27 now and i remember the last time i felt good, i was 23. Should i take any medication? I used to judge people that thought of suicide but damn, it looks like it would fix things. Is this normal?",Depression +23214,"TLDR: these are ramblings, may or may not make sense. I am just extremely tired.If you have any advice for this Id love to hear it. Not even sure what would help at this point.I just had a realization. I am the quiet kid, the one everyone is secretly scared of. I play songs about suicide in front of people nodding along to it like its a goddamn Christmas carol. I am exactly like my dad was this age, and have had a son a lot longer, being the only one actually present in my little brothers life as he was growing up, even if a lot of it was us fighting for moms attention. And I do not know why I am feeling so much spite for my mother tonight. Though it might have been due to last year when she kicked me out of the house for being too sick and not able to lift and move a destroyed 20ft she would for her, even though earlier that day she saw me outside soon after the (generic natural disaster), sawing trees that had fallen across the driveway. Then having to come in and lay down because I could barely breathe and was sweating beads. (I am thinking it might have been COVID-19). Subsequently spending the night in the bed of my 91 5-speed ranger with knob windows and key locks (loved that truck but after the damage from that storm, insurance totaled it). Now I almost feel like she has (whether purposely or accidentally) raised me to be a massive simp. Id venture to say having a giant mom complex that spreads to every girl I am attracted to. Where it is now to the point where I am taking care of her 14 year old son. (but not able to provide what he needs as I am at work all day and hes with friends most afternoons). While she is trying to live her best life 2 and a half hours away. (More power to people doing that, I am just salty from having to play dad since the age of 6). And I have silently been loathing her since getting kicked out, like I have always done to my dad. Speaking of which, Id say its almost like a spiteful competition. Where I always have to be better than him, silently protesting the worthiness he never gave me. (Sorry that one looks like a grammar question from the ACT/SAT). I am getting help with the mental issues, that I am sure are obvious by now. But I just feel like I am a fuckup, and it got a lot worse once I realized I am exactly like my dad. I failed life already, time for game over. If you have gotten this far, sorry for having to read this. I am going to go to bed now, NOT kmsing. Tired ramblings",Depression +23215,"I hate when I get like this. I have an amazing life. I just get sad and think about all the sad shit I have been through. I have always found sadness as being week and looked down on people who commit suicide as being selfish.... until one day about 10 years ago I though about killing my self.. I had no plan and no intention, but my brain just kept bringing it up.. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder shortly after. I had/have a lot of survivors guilt after getting out of the Marines. As much as I want to stop being sad my brain says nope, be a little bitch for a few weeks. I have done my best over the years dealing with this.. As a Marine, EMT, and Police Officer I have seen a few things I would have rather not. I just spent my days off hiking with my kids, watching movies with my wife, riding my motorcycle, playing guitar, and working out. All of those things usually help but not this time. I hate taking medication but as soon as I stop it starts again. Why? I do not want anyone to know what is going on inside and I just have to get away and be sad in my car. Just need to vent. I hate this feeling. I could win the lottery and be loved my family but for some reason, inside I am just sad. Thanks for listening, hope this passes soon. Why am I sad?",Depression +23216,"Idk what kind of response the universe expected of me, you took everything from me and what I am supposed to be thankful I can still convert oxygen into carbon monoxide... Fuck the fuck off!! I lost my job, 2 cats, a fucked up marriage, two homes, both parents and a lizard. Had my entire foundation ripped from me and I am supposed to be thankful... Fuck off... On top of that I am a gay man that gay men do not find attractive in the slightest but yeah I am glad I woke up another fucked up day yay!!! Fuck the fuck off and go sit on a cactus while your at it! I am so over it",Depression +23217,"Stress, anxiety, depressive episodes, overeating. All of these things are a result of what I have been through. To top it all off I cannot go a single day without experiencing some kind of flashback\dejavu to a time where I was hurt or did something cringy. Sometimes I even catch myself reacting to it all over again and realizing I just did it again. The only way out of this hell hole is up and I just do not have the strength to get there. Living a normal life was never a requirement however living in general seems to be something I cannot do. Everything is too stressful. How people go about their daily lives as if nothing is wrong is beyond me. The constant up hill battle to improve my life would not be as bad if not for the immense emotional baggage I carry with me. Worst of all I cannot confide in anyone. Because I do not trust anyone. People are evil. They do what they want regardless of how it affects you. Above all I am tired. Tired of pretending to be happy. I am not happy. Never was. I was not happy when my mother would get drunk and curse at me for no good reason. I was not happy when I went through school and got stabbed over and over again with the same daggers from the same people. I was not happy when I graduated. I felt empty and exhausted all that changed was I was now living at the bitch drunks place 24\7. At least she is slowly killing herself from her wine. I am not happy now, and you know what? It fucking hurts. Things do not get better. I am too tired to try anymore I will probably clock out at the end of the year if not sooner. I need help that I will never get.",Depression +23218,I hate myself at the moment more than ever I hate myself,Depression +23219,"i stopped studying this year and Feel like a useless piece of shit. Make my mom cry almost daily , and i hate myself more every second. Today, alone at home, i could not handle the pain of being sober. its the first time that i resort to cocaine ( wonce my medication ends). I need help, guys.i do not want to make my mom cry even harder because I have becomed a junkie. All Advice is appreciated. thanks for reading, brothes. keep fighting I started using cocaine to distract my mind.",Depression +23220,"I cannot deal with the fact I have to stay alive to be a human and that I still exist. I find morning so difficult to deal with. I will stay in my room until 12. I was at my sort of partners house yesterday, and I needed to catch the 9.45 am train to get into work at 11. I took the 10.30 am train and was about 10 minutes late. I just cannot get myself going, I just find the mornings too hard. Is anyone's mood a lot worse in the mornings?",Depression +23221,"I feel consumed by these two feelings. I am angry with myself and what is become of my life (because of my own decisions.) And I am lonelier than I have ever felt in my entire life, despite being surrounded by people. It feels like no matter how hard I try to break the cycle of defeatist thought and try to be better, I cannot. The only time I feel even remotely decent is when I take my medication, but it is like putting a band-aid on a flesh wound. All it does is numb me. I have tried therapy, the medication does not help much, and I have tried just taking it day by day. I am afraid I am at the precipice of not wanting to be any longer and I do not know how to step off that ledge and be/get better. All I Feel Anymore is Anger and Loneliness",Depression +23222,"Hey. I am 17 years old and I think I may be suffering from depression. It might be a mild version of it, but it sucks nonetheless. Right now, I am trying to build up the courage to talk to my parents about wanting to get help. Now, my parents are very understanding people and I have no doubt they would help me. The problem is that I do not want to bother them with my issues since I do not want to add more to their stress. Even when I planned on telling them, I just froze, felt my heart race and my throat started to hurt. Like I physically could not do it. They say you should ""Plan what you should say beforehand"" and ""Write a message instead"" but I still could not do it. Hell, I am even having a hard time confessing anonymously. Have you guys had similar experiences? What do you think is the best thing to do? Building up the courage to talk",Depression +23223,"I was going to commit suicide a few weeks ago, but something in my mind told me not to before I got home. My parents and my brother know that I have suicidal thoughts, but it feels like they do not care. They think it is because of some bullshit that happened between me and some girl. it is partly that, but it is the fact that I just do not feel wanted. What happened made me think - ""Who the fuck is going to want me in their lives when people know about it?"" (context in the second paragraph) I was trying to find this answer for so fucking long. It finally clicks. I just cannot work up the courage to tell anyone but the counsellor I cannot even go fucking see because of lockdown. (context) there is this toxic bitch in my class who - in the past - I have vented about. She claims it is this constant re-occurrence of me venting and her finding out, etc. One ""fine"" morning, I was talking to my friend and the topic of this girl had come up. The girl (we will call her Lila) and I were not on good terms, as I commented on her behaviour - I said she was a ""piss baby"" - around 3 weeks before said morning. She said that they were dating and that she had felt bad because she did not want to reject her. I thought that because she told me this, I could say what I want. I said that she was toxic. that is it. Cut to literally 20 minutes later, I am facing her. I have apologised, she is apologised. I have never felt so relieved. It was a dick move of me to say that she was toxic but I did not think I was going to apologise. we are talking again and after lunch, during the third period, she comes up to me and tells me that I should not apologise if I was not being serious about it. She walked away, saying that what I did was low. I knew that the girl I talked to told her, but it was my fault for trusting her. I told this to my counsellor and in turn she told my parents, but I feel like that' is not the right answer (maybe not the wrong answer but not the full answer). &#x200B;Essentially, I am lonely as fuck. I think my last days are coming up. I deserve to be unwanted. Deserve to be unloved. I do not feel wanted, or loved.",Suicidal +23224,"I have not felt this way about myself in years, but i just do not see the point in trying anymore. I am a waste of space and nothing but a burden for people.I fuck up every relationship i have with people, from friends, family, to the one I love most. I cannot seem to just be good enough anymore, I have lost myself. I have lost what it means to be happy with myself. I try so hard to just impress the people around me without taking myself into consideration, its ruined me. I am so exhausted from these insecurities. I am nothing but a useless waste of space and I just do not see that anything is worth it anymore.I am not okay, I am sorry. I just do not want to be alive anymore.",Depression +23225,"I have been down for like 4 months, feels like I am always lonely, mixed with being heart horny and hating everything about myself Is this just a bad moment or a proper depression? I really know nothing about this and I am just looking for clarification. Thanks in advance Confused",Depression +23226,"I had a major breakdown tonight and was scared of being alone. I knew I would not do anything drastic, but it did not matter. I have been getting closer with this friend of mine who I really care about and respect, and he was the only one awake at the time. I kept going back and forth on it but eventually I ended up asking him to check up on me tomorrow. What I really needed was someone to call me or be with me, but I was worried about pushing that boundary with this friend now and so suddenly since he does not know much about my mental illnesses. So right now I feel like I should not have asked. I do not want to respond to him tomorrow because no matter what I say I would rather I just not say it at all. I feel like I should have just let myself be alone in that moment, tomorrow I feel like I will have moved on. I also do not want to jeopardize this friendship, he is one of the coolest people I know so I never wanted to come off as a burden or too much to work with. Idk. I am worried I made a mistake. Idk what I should have done or should do next. Ever since March my depression's been getting worse again. But I do not want my friend to have to worry about it too. Just sucks. Told a friend to check up on me and idk if it was the right call",Depression +23227,"These past months have been immensely hard on me. I have lost everything. My job, Money, Friends and now my partner, the only thing I had left. I do not know what to do anymore, it feels to painful to try and restart. I am so tired of the cycles of life its too exhausting. It just seems easier to end things now Than to just keep pushing through. I have bpd so I suffer a lot from feelings of emptiness and like everyone hates me. I am just so sad and I do not want to feel pain anymore. I am so lost",Suicidal +23228,"I could not sleep tonight so I wrote it out and threw it into the void hoping that will help somehow.""what is your name?"" I ask her""I am your rival,"" she replies I pushed myself further back into the old red pews, they squeaked at my movement. The guy beside me stared at his phone. ""I do not remember you,"" I say.""What happened to you?"" She asks me.I look down at my hands. I do not want to be here, i do not want to have this conversation. I barely wanted to come into this building in the first place. I snuck up here to avoid the other kids my age. The guy beside me looks up at the girl with a calm but stern expression. He does not seem too excited about randon conflict popping up out of nowhere.""Dawn, it does not matter,"" he says. he is Asian, my guess is Philippino. His hair is short, he is about 5.8, muscular build with the aura of ""confident athlete church guy"" if that is a thing. ""You remember her, do not you?"" Insists Dawn. The guy frowns. I lower my eyes, feeling deeply self conscious. This is why I did not want to come here in the first place. Back in this place so much of who I was was shaped here. I stood on that stage and will always vividly remember making people laugh so hard their faces were red. I got second place. I was 11. I lost to this girl, I guess. I did not even remember her name. I think she sang that song from Walk To Remember. She must be older than me. I do not know why she thought I was her rival. Although i was clearly better than her on that stage she did win the talent show so who really cares?""Some things happened to me,"" i say. ""Who did this to you?"" She asks leaning her face in closer.Why is she still talking to me?""Whoever it is I am going to go after them!"" She says. I frown. That does not mean anything to me. People think I look so different, so much darker, hide in the corner and keep my hat or hood over my face, and avoid performing unless I have to, is because I was raped or beat up at work but I was not. And I do not want anyone to harm those who made me this way. I think, anyway. ""I am sorry to disappoint you. I am not the rival you wanted,"" I say.She sits down beside the guy shoving me over closer to the edge of the pew. The guy puts his arm around her shoulder, I guess they are dating. I sigh inwardly. I was supposed to be like that, you know. I was supposed to be in the cute church couple with the pretty voice and the charisma. I was supposed to be on Dawn's level. Turns out I am some antisocial emo chick still in her room reading manga with her headphones in and a keyboard. Please do not look at me, Dawn. Please do not scrunch up your nose and make it so obvious that I am not the same person I was. I am sorry I disappointed you. I cannot bring myself to tell you about it, and you have not earned it anyways. It does not really matter, it is just defined me and completely remade me into whatever this is. I am not your rival anymore. I do not belong here anymore. Please do not sympathize with me. I do not want it. do not be angry, do not be sad. do not be anything. Forget me. Forget who I made laugh, forget every cringey, funny, cute, strange thing I did here. I only came here to learn and sing quietly. I came early to find my seat to avoid such interactions. I get up, I feel anxious squished by the perfect couple. I do not remember where I went. Just the corner of the room, like a theater in that room I was not supposed to be in anymore. I hope you win again, Dawn. I hope we never meet again. I feel guilty for how I turned out after trauma and last night I had a vivid dream about it. it scared tf out of me",Depression +23229,"I posted a couple times here a couple of months ago about feeling suicidal and trying to kill myself. It finally came out at a friends house last night and I admitted I tried to hang myself in April and my friend was incredibly shocked and comforting, I had been thinking all my friends hated me and to get the opposite response and finally be able to tell someone was so so great - it feels like a weight last been lifted. I worried about telling anyone for so long so I just wanted to say if you have a trusted friend then talk to them, they hopefully will understand. I also told her I had been raped (when I was 15 and it was only this year I realised it was rape which probably contributed to my mental health issues) and part of me still thought it was my fault, and to hear it was not and be validated was another weight off. I had told nobody else about this at the time. Talking can help I finally told a friend and it was a complete weight off",Suicidal +23230,"I really want to die right now. I know I said on my last post here that I was going to OD in like five days from now but I want to escape *now*. The only reason I have not done it yet is because i have not finished my note. So I guess Ill just ramble now.One reason for my urge to die right now is the fact that I have dance practice tomorrow. But its not like I hate dancing, I guess its the fact that I have to be active and that I have to interact with people when I have been trying so hard just to get away from them so my upcoming suicide will not bother them. Another reason is because of my mom. You might be thinking *woah, they sound like they are an annoying, entitled brat*. So let me explain. I have odd and relatively unhealthy eating habits. Its been like this forever. So when my mom suddenly starts asking me what I want to eat more and buys a bunch of food, I find it odd. she is never done this. And I have never thought too much about my eating habits so when she keeps bringing it up, it does not exactly feel nice. I do not know if I have an ED but my mom seems to see it that way. I know that she is just concerned but I do not like feeling smothered. And of course I have not talked to her about this because its kind of taboo in my culture and I am an overall reserved person. I am not sure how many people will read this but if you have made it this far, thanks I guess. Meaningless ramble Pt. 5",Suicidal +23231,"I have seen this girl for months. She was a coworker at a new place I was working.But as time went on, she decided to move somewhere else for her work, and now I rarely see her. She has not moved yet, and I told her how I have feelings for her. She says she likes me but she will move to the new place. it is impossible for us to be together since she does not want a long distance relationship. I feel like I am currently living in a nightmare, I feel paralyzed to the core, and my complete body is aching, it feels like I have been drinking alcohol (which I do not, but the head feels like it is drunk to the core).Due to childhood trauma and abandonment, I feel like I cannot live without her, and the pain is sheer unbearable. I do not know what to do, and I feel like giving up. I am reading selfhelp books, have therapy, friends, hobbies, but I do not feel strong enough to make it through this one. I cannot let go of her and my sanity is slowly crumbling away",Suicidal +23232,I am never going to be pretty enough for them. Why do i have to live up to their expectations when my siblings do not have to? I do not want a job. I am barely scraping a C in my alevels. I do not think ill make it past my 18th birthday my thoughts,Suicidal +23233,"Similar to how there is AA/NA, is there a program that focuses more so on mental health struggles like depression and anxiety? If so, are there support group Zoom meetings or links that are free one could join? Thanks xx Is there a Mental Health Anonymous?",Depression +23234,"I am tired of being in this psychiatric hospital. My mental is only getting worse in there. I am tired, really tired. I cannot stand this shit",Suicidal +23235,"Apologies in advance if this post is long, Ill try to have all the detail in as few words as I can.Quick background: I am about to be a junior in college, good home life, a lot of friends, very intelligent, struggles with anxiety but never anything too extreme.In September of 2020, I suffered a head injury playing pickup football with some friends. It did not feel serious at all and I was back in the game a few minutes later like nothing had happened. The symptoms did not kick in for about 10 days.In hindsight, it was probably a mild concussion and nothing too major. However, I had no idea what I was dealing with, so I treated it probably exactly how you should not treat it. I worried about it constantly and pushed myself with school, partying, etc. there is not a lot of wiggle room when it comes to slowing down in the college life so I just continued to try to push on, which ended up being a bad idea. I was up and down with symptoms for about 6-7 weeks during this time.In late November, I suddenly crashed and everything went to shit again. All of the sudden in the course of a day I became totally dissociated and my brain fog increased tremendously. I thought it was nothing more than a symptom flair at first, but eight months later I still deal with these symptoms 24/7, and they have destroyed my life.I have done everything, seen all the doctors I thought would help, and nothing has given me any relief. I have been constantly dissociated since that time and my brain functions at a fraction of the capacity it used to. It makes life fucking terrible to live. I can still try and do things I did before, but I can never enjoy anything due to the way I constantly feel. My motivation is pretty much gone. Driving feels like a life risking activity every time I do it. School was next to impossible last semester and I am no better for this one coming up.The silver lining is that I think the problem here is that all the worry and anxiety has been trapped in my brain and the trauma surrounding the worrying is the issue rather than the injury itself. I was not officially diagnosed with depression but one doctor thought that is what could be prolonging my issues. Even with this knowledge I cannot find any relief whatsoever. I struggle to tell people this first because its very personal, second because I struggle to share my feelings, and third because I have always been a guy to light up the room and now I have to act because I do not want to bring peoples moods down when they are around me. The people in my life know I am suffering from this but nobody knows the suffering I deal with mentally on a daily basis. I am just very hopeless right now. I wanted to get this off my chest anonymously.",Depression +23236,"I do not have as much energy today because I spent almost all of it the morning trying to off myself out of this world; but I am too much of a pussy to take the jump. I am sorry if there is not much of a background in this post as to why I am going to do this. I do not think I even want the sympathy of just one person anymore - to get myself past impulse. Honestly, giving out all the detail in my journey might turn all of society against me; for the short, yet horrible, bouts of anger I have directed against my mom. Still, I will not be able to stand her obstinacy to change; she is made me too broken - too open to mindless repair. I have become a different person.P.S.: I will love my older brother and dad - forever and always. To at least leave something behind",Suicidal +23237,1 I am shit2 I am shit3 I am shit4 I am shit5 I am shit6 I am shit7 I am shit8 I am shit9 I am shit10 I am shitMy self esteem is already dead why do you have to do this to the already dead body 10 reasons I am shit,Depression +23238,"It only gets worst. Wish I just killed myself before letting any of it happened. Not too late to kill myself before it just continues to get worst. ""It gets better""",Suicidal +23239,I am so tired and fed up. I do not know what to do. I am lonely. I hate my life. I hate it so much. I cannot take this shit anymore. Actually I can I can take another 10000 years BUT WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT? I am dead inside. I cannot even fucking cry. Can you imagine that? I cannot even cry. I repressed my shit so deep that I cannot cry anymore. Everyday is the same fucking shit. No matter what I do I just suffer and endure. Seriously fuck this world and fuck god and fuck whoever is responsible for this. Fuck you for making me suffer so much without telling me why. I am so tired guys,Suicidal +23240,Want to kill myself because of it. God I hate myself. i feel so trapped in this body,Depression +23241,"I am too chicken to kill myself but I have no will to live. Some days I am tricked into thinking life is actually worth living and that I should keep going but then I am right back to being a dead husk of a human, its honestly exhausting. I do not want to be here anymore but I do not have the energy to kill my self and its a horrible loop to be stuck in No energy",Suicidal +23242,"Our dog killed a cat that was coming to our home and I am unable to forgive myself. Mom is blaming me that I was just standing there screaming, I did not know what to do. I hate myself for this. Now the little one'e cat parents will be here any moment and I feel like I have let them down.Why was I so stupid that I could not do anything to save the kitten. Just when the little one was warming up to us, I betrayed its trust. I feel terrible and horrible. I am in tears right now, I am never going to be able to forgive myself ever in my life. I am unable to forgive myself",Depression +23243,"A couple of things, I have FASD, and am adopted and when my parents divorced when I was 12, I decided to live with my dad visiting my mom every other weekend and my mom and I got into an argument and she called the police on me, this happened three times, a couple year went and my dog died and I did not really see my mom at all and then recently my dad almost killed me, he put his hamds around my throat and I am living with my mom now. I think I am depressed, I have no motivation to do anything, I stay up late, I eat too much or nothing at all, and I feel like shit sometimes, I am scared and I feel lonely and I do not know what to do I do not know",Depression +23244,because I always want to fucking kms I sexually identify as a unit of speed,Depression +23245,because I want to fucking kms I sexually dentify as a unit of speed,Depression +23246,"does anyone else wonder who would show up to their funeral? its morbid, but i want to see who would be the fake mourners versus the people who realistically cared about me. i wish almost every day that i could get a birds eye view to my funeral; if i could guarantee that i would get that then i would most certainly kill myself. i just want to see who actually cares- an attempt to kill myself left me empty and broken from all of the people who had left me for the back of the herd. none of them wanted to deal with my recovery. but i still wonder how many of them would absolutely revel in giving my eulogy. its going to be like that",Suicidal +23247,"I want to kms, I am 16 and I have no life. My siblings are much better compared to me, they have done well in their life meanwhile me here failing every fucking exam with hopes on me. Playing games to get rid of the depression, I have anxiety and I am very introverted. My parents probably hate me and wish they had taken an abortion, I do not know what to do anymore I cannot keep up with the education system and I am on the edge of my life. Please tell me the best way to put this pathetic life of an excuse to rest in the easiest way possible. Please put me out of my misery",Suicidal +23248,"Everyday the voices get to me but recently the alcohol does not fix it anymore, people say they are tired but it is gotten to the point where i hope the alcohol takes me out so people will not think it was on purpose. Is there any point to waking up and going to work? Like what for? Work till you cannot physically work anymore then you wait to die? it is hard to feel happiness at all, try to do the things you love and nothing happens just feels like you wasted energy. If the mind is so focused on survival why does ot want to exit the chat? Broken",Depression +23249,"Told my mom I was suicidal earlier tonight and she accused me of seeking attention. That was the nail in my coffin. I am hanging myself after this post because clearly nobody thinks I am serious. Fuck this godforsaken world, I am out. Bye guys!",Suicidal +23250,"I could not find any other reddit communities about suicide so I just decided to send here, you can delete if you want How do I prepare myself and my environment for my suicide?",Suicidal +23251,"There has never been anything in my life that does not end in failure. it is been like jumping from one train wreck to another. Honesty tell me, after so many failures, mistakes, whatever is there really anything wrong with just giving up? Trying and trying to get better with never so much as a single result seems like insanity to me. I cannot do it anymore something has to change or stop or something. Please help I am just tired",Suicidal +23252,"I have been on the max dose of cymbalta and busbar for about 6 years now. After weaning off of busbar with the intent of going to prozac, I realized I was starting to feel better. Now I am off of everything and feeling better than ever. Anyone else start feeling way better after stopping a medication they have been on for years? Stopped meds and feeling great!",Depression +23253,"I try my best to be a better person. I go to therapy. I eat okay foods. I do things I enjoy. But yet I cannot ever be content with myself for more than two days at a time. I hate being trans. I hate it. I hate dysphoria and I hate how people appropriate this condition. I should not be like this. I want to be a normal person. I was so close to being an exactly average man. Exactly the average height in America, decent grades, average at everything I try. But no. Of course I had to be born a woman. Now every accomplishment will be undertoned with ""first trans person"" or ""trans person"". I hate it. I hate how I go to town and there is a bunch of big strong dudes who are racist assholes that get to be cis. Hell I am even jealous of the cis women who are cis. What did I do to deserve this? Whatever happened must have been horrible because I cannot keep going like this. I do not want to get a bunch of surgeries to be happy but I have to. Why could not I have just had a dick from the start? I cannot live another 4 years without one. I keep it together but I really think about suicide too often. Life is so unfair",Suicidal +23254,"Its been a week since I was diagnosed with MDD; major depressive disorder and anxiety. I have always struggled with depressive episodes but this time I was done. I however did not commit suicide. I did not want to feel the presence of death taking over while having not sought for help. Id have hated myself for it even though deep down, death is a desire. I have no will to live as my life is meaningless but I would not have ever forgiven myself for acting on my suicidal thoughts without putting up a fight first. My therapist thinks its a good idea to let my parents know about my condition. I am not comfortable with this but I am a minor, its necessary. My parents are meeting with my therapist today and I am scared. This might be my final straw. I had nothing to live for anyway I do not think I can do this",Depression +23255,"You know how white women in America complain about period shaming when a dumbass man makes a ""she must be on her period"" joke? Well I have another scenario to raise you....Has anyone ever made sure no one touches you for 3 days and make you not enter the kitchen and make you wash your clothes and bowls separately and not even hand food to you directly but instead place it on a nearby table for you to pick it up because they might accidentally touch you or say they cannot reheat food in a bowl you already touched because it is impure to bring it back into the kitchen and scream at you for sitting to close to other people, therefore accidentally brushing up by them, making them impure as well?No? Well I guess my dad is just special. (Yes, I live in America in 2021 and have lived here for 20 years and my dad still does this.) A quirky thing my abusive father likes to do",Depression +23256,"that is it. No more. I have had enough. I need release. I am a financial wreck and the collection people will not stop. I am a broke realtor with no clients. Never had any deal in the miserable 5 months I have been licensed. I want to end it. My little brother, my hope and dream just died in my arms yesterday. We could not even give him a proper burial because of how disgustingly poor I am. I live in NY. I am going to scale the Williamsburg Bridge in an hour to prepare my decent into the river via a nice painful jump off the beam. Goodbye fucked up piece of shit world. It was not nice knowing you Its over for me. (21 m)",Suicidal +23257,"So I considered myself a master in the art of being alone. I have been truly alone for 3 years. I actually got so used to being alone I had no problems with it. I was proud of myself and my brain. I could mention hundreds of the benefits of being alone and I overall just did what I want.However, recently I was playing a video game and someone messaged me to talk about something that happened in the game we played. We ended up playing with each other and talking alot together, overall it was a fun timeBiggest mistake I ever made. The person no longer has any interest in talking with me anymore or being a friend after a month and a half. Which truly depresses me and I wish it did not. That was one of the reasons I liked being alone right there.And I now crave not being alone, even though I should be for many reasons, like my mental well being. Dammit. Have to go thru mastering it all over again. I made the mistake of talking to someone and getting close to them after mastering being alone",Depression +23258,"I have been spiraling for some time now. Now my boyfriend is finally ready and actively thinking about leaving me and moving out. I am trying everything I can and I am scared. Hes all I have. If I lose him I lose my reason to live. I have been in love with him for 6 years. I have not been this suicidal in a long time and I am honestly looking for a reason to not end it, before I even get an answer from my boyfriend. I am a fuckup what else can I say. I fucked up my last relationship by being a controlling abuser (not intentionally) and I thought that I fixed it, but i was wrong. Really wrong. Then the anxiety meds I started taking, helped my anxiety but made my aggression get worse and just worsened my relationship. I am now cleaning the house while sick to my stomach while hes crashing at a friend's house (has been for 4 days) in the Hope's that maybe hell come home and change his mind.Kill me now before I kill myself. Please. I do not know what I am doing anymore",Suicidal +23259,"So I considered myself a master in the art of being alone. I have been truly alone for 3 years. I actually got so used to being alone I had no problems with it. I was proud of myself and my brain. I could mention hundreds of the benefits of being alone and I overall just did what I want.However, recently I was playing a video game and someone messaged me to talk about something that happened in the game we played. We ended up playing with each other and talking, overall having fun. Biggest mistake I ever made. The person not have any interest in talking with me anymore or being a friend after a month and a half. Which truly depresses me alot and I wish it did not. And I now crave not being alone, even though I should be for many reasons, like my mental well being. Dammit. Have to go thru mastering it all over again. I made the mistake of talking to someone and getting close to them after mastering being alone",Suicidal +23260,I think I have problems with myself... I am a piece of shit.,Depression +23261,"I am stuck with my family and they are horrible, I do not have any friends, I have adhd and my life is in shambles, I just want to give up on life because everything is fucking ugly and I have immense hatred for the world, there is not a day when I do not feel despair, not a day when I wake up feeling good and happy for another day, I just want to fuck off from this world full of motherfuckers I need a reason to live, I am merely pushing through and fighting so hard to live, I think suicide is the only way out of this suffering",Suicidal +23262,I am a student and work part-time.Today my professor shamed me infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time. I am not able to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much. Please help me if you can.I do not know what to do.I feel hopeless. I do not know how to show my face again in class. I am feeling so ashamed. My life is just falling apart. I wish life could end right now,Depression +23263,"My life is destroyed, I feel like doing drugs or something to destroy my life because then it was at least my choice. I understand this is a toxic way to think but it is just how I feel. I feel like being self destructive",Depression +23264,"I always said that I do not want to die, I just want to stop feeling like this, but I am not sure how true that is anymore. I feel awful, genuinely awful. It feels like my brain is broken and there is no fixing it. I have everything I have wanted. A nice house with a pool, a loving boyfriend, success, and more by the age of 23 and its still not good enough. I have everything that I have ever wanted and it is not enough. I hate myself for that. I love my boyfriend, but I do not know if hes making things worse. He tries his best but its very apparent that he will never understand. I know if I kill myself he will tell himself he did everything he could. Hell convince himself that I had mental illness and none of his actions had anything to do with it. I am not sure how to logically react to asking to be held for a second and getting told I do not want to lay here and sulk. Constantly being put on a shelf. I know my mental health is not perfect, and he tries but I also know that I am a really good partner that deserves comfort. Part of me tells me that I need to be out of a relationship to really find myself and heal. I need to be free and not concerned with another person, but I know how codependent I am. Even when life is screaming in my face that it is not working Ill never leave. I am too weak. I am even too weak to kill myself. I am hurting so bad..",Depression +23265,I cannot sleep..idk. nothing to say really. Just feeling empty and hopeless. I wish I could fall asleep with my ex laying on my chest at least one more time. So tired of feeling like shit cannot sleep,Depression +23266,"But I want to take drugs so I can feel happy. I just want to feel nothing, no pain, no hurting. I want to feel like I am jumping on clouds. Some people say that drugs make them feel happy and that is what I want. No more sadness for a couple of minutes or hours. I know how bad this might seem-",Depression +23267,I want to. Deeply. But I am just not good enough for it. Its best i never have a relationship or children.,Suicidal +23268,I think I am going to hang myself tonight. I tried to get better mentally I really did. I just think I was not made for this. My family and girlfriend all tried to help me. Part of me is scared but the other part is excited to no longer live through the torture of my thoughts. I tried to get better,Suicidal +23269,"Hello to whomever might be reading.The last nine months have been hell for me. I have been through legal issues caused by someone else, that made it impossible for me to work while that was being sorted out, and I am only now able to start working again - but I have lost my whole savings trying to support myself for months. I have also been only able to afford a meal a day since around April, so I am all sorts of weak right now. In that time, I have also been heavily triggered by PTSD caused by abuse in my childhood as the abusive parent was the one that caused those legal issues that affected me. I would also been unable to do any activities since Covid-19 that were fundamental to my mental wellbeing. Now that work is starting, I am working six day weeks and waiting for my first paycheck in August so I can start eating regularly again. Being depressed, I found it hard to find enjoyment in anything, and still do. And yes, my mind has and continues to go to dark places, and I am actively trying to counter them with tools I have gotten in therapy over the years, and some days are more successful than others.So for the past year, the only constant thing I would enjoyed was a video game. In time, I even stopped enjoying the gameplay itself but fell in love with its characters, one in particular who reminded me a lot of myself. He was just so adorable and sweet, even if the graphics were a little behind the times. So when I had nothing else going on, I could just play the game and take comfort in his presence. It was one of the only few things I had for comfort.The company making the video game just recently announced that they were remodeling the characters and my character looks very different. He feels and looks like a completely new person. And while it might seem very trivial... it was pretty much the last straw that broke me down. I have contacted the company a few times, no response, and they do not address it on social media. And I avoid social media because people are quick to insult you for feeling so strongly about a video game character. I am just finding it hard to play this game anymore, which leaves me with... nothing. No other video game, no other activity, no other comfort character. it is like when your favorite character dies in a movie or book, except then you can still go back and enjoy them. With this, he is just... gone. It feels like I have lost a close friend.I feel empty. I would rather not be told how trivial all this might seem, because intellectually, I know. I just would very much like to be understood and empathized with right now so I can try to muster the strength to move on. My last straw was a change in the video game I play",Depression +23270,"If it was a guarantee I would kill myself, I 100% would, but the fear of waking up with brain damage keeps me from doing it. Nothing about life interests me, I feel utter hatred for most people and things. How am I supposed to keep going when at 22 I am over it all? Feeling like I am forced to live",Depression +23271,"I have lost count on how many times you have hit me, screamed at me, and threatened my life. Everytime I think we are going to have a good day, it ends with me being blamed for everything. You always say sorry, and it always happens again and again. I am stupid and clumsy. My asthma annoys you. My sciatica annoys you, because I cannot be useful to you. I do not want to love you, but I do, and I hate myself for being so god dammed incapable of pleasing you. I just want to end it all so you do not have to worry about how much of a fuck up I am, and how I am going to ruin everything by just existing. Stop saying sorry",Suicidal +23272,"I am depressed and dealing with extreme anxiety. It has completely taken over my life.I have tried several therapists. None of them will take me seriously.My career gives me very high income, lots of savings, and reasonable work hours (pretty high stress, though). I succeed at basically everything I try. My relationship to my spouse is absurdly perfect. My relationship with my parents is amazing. I live in the best neighbourhood in my city. I have traveled the world. I have never had anything traumatic happen to me.I have panic attacks at least daily. I throw up often. I only sleep a few hours a night. I cry several times a day, and sometimes I stare into space for hours without moving. So every therapist I talk to basically asks a bunch of questions and cannot seem to find anything to fix. I am seriously sick of paying hundreds or thousands of dollars to have therapists tell me I should focus on feeling more gratitude for what I have, take deep breaths, do yoga, and exercise more. As if I have not tried all that for years and years. Is therapy just a bad fit for me? In my country they essentially refuse to give medication ever. How to find a therapist who can help you when there is nothing wrong except mental health?",Depression +23273,Life is constant heart break & pain Aas,Depression +23274,"My friend has been struggling with some suicidal thoughts. Her family has been putting so much pressure on her and her other friends are being absolute assholes. she is this really happy and nice girl. Would always help everyone. But she is really struggling with her studies and her family only puts pressure on her until she has these thoughts. She the other day had a small fight with her dad while studying and she came to me and her other friend for comfort. She kept on saying how she wants to kms and that she could not take it anymore and her friend just went ""Oh well you will go to hell so do not do that maybe??? ""Should I have said something back then? Was the other friend in the wrong? Suicidal Friend",Suicidal +23275,"I am in a lot of pain right now. Almost killed myself but I decided not to and called a friend.I say so many stupid things. So many horrible things happen to me...I cannot. Like I just cannot describe it right now.God seems cruel to me. He allows me to constantly suffer because of some big plan that is supposed to glorify him--so he is just allowing me to suffer for an ego boost? Is that what it is?Why does my car have to break down out of nowhere? Why do I have to feel constantly lonely all the time, like there is this barrier between me and everyone else? Why do I have to work at a miserable job just so I can eat and live? Why does the Bible say even *thinking* about sex is a sin but then God gives me all this sexual desire and make it impossible for me to find love? Why do I have to wake up every day, wanting to kill myself, only to force myself to move on and bear this horrible, horrible pain? cannot things just get better? For once?I am sorry if I sound incoherent. I just cannot think straight right now. Why should I keep living?",Suicidal +23276,"I have bouts of depression (mild to moderate says my therapist) but my wifes is much more severe. She has suicidal ideation and emotional dysregulation. She has a history of trauma much more horrific than anything I have experienced. So I spend a lot of time trying to support her and be there for her but her situation leaves her unable to provide me with any support during those times I need it most. I do not want to be one of those what about me? husbands, but the truth is that I have very little time for self care and certainly no one to lift me up when I need it. Like I said, I have a therapist, but I do not contact him outside of my bi-weekly sessions. How can I be there for my wife if I cannot get my own help? What do you do when your partner is worse off than you are?",Depression +23277,"a bit of a long post ahead so skip if not interested. have a nice day though.-----------------its been about 5 minutes since i drank water1 month since my last attempt/thought2 months since i made this reddit account and4 months since the incidents I am going to be real and say life is a load of crap. it really is just a load of shi. if my younger self from 2 years ago can see what I am doing. the person never saw it coming. i had a decent life. good grades, good family, a good set of friends, normal and happy but we all know that life is not just going to make us stay normal and happy. 4 months ago something happened that changed everything (you can read this reddit post which sums it all up i guess fast forwarding to now, i lost my people a bit of myself but its ok. as i said life does not get better. I have been trying to work on myself the past months. realized that it was so hard to start a conversation and trust another human being. it was so hard to establish a connection or a relationship when you had first hand experience of many years long lasting ones that just suddenly cut you off after one mistake. to be honest i am still trying to forgive myself for what happened. what am i saying? I am saying thank you to reddit. thank you for suicidewatch for being an avenue i can release and people can comment. life really does not get better but you really do move and eventually heal.life is meant to give you crap, the way you handle it is the key to true happiness. i will come back with updates on my feelings in a couple of months. for now, i hope you whoever is reading this is safe. life does not get better, you get better",Suicidal +23278,"My parents are good people, but I am still depressed. They try to help me by buying me nice things, making me food, and giving me company. Despite their presence, I feel shitty. All the time. They got really scared when my depression got worse, and we started trying therapy, medication, etc. Now we are out of ideas, and I feel like they gave up. What can they do? They tried their best. If I kill myself, I kill myself. they will still spoil me with nice gestures, but their sense of urgency is gone. My death will be a sad event to move on from. They know it will happen. But if they cannot fix it with money or food, who cares? It is what it is. Do I even deserve to ask more from them? My Parents Gave Up",Depression +23279,"I have always said that I would not kill my self because it would devastate my friends and family, but I care less and less every day. I am so tired and I do not want to do this anymore. I cannot do this much longer",Suicidal +23280,"and i think i want to kill myself. this is an opportunity for me to get into a relationship.. my friend and i always talk about getting into relationships seems so pointless and pressuring. we have both social anxiety lolol but asmuch i really want to get into one its just it feels way too pressuring. especially since i have really low self esteem and i feel like I am such a boring person, what would we even talk about. i really want a gf/bf I am only 15 but i do not feel worthy of getting into a relationship . I am so sick of this shit, i always wanted to date someone but when i get the chance to get into a relationship my anxiety stops me. i hate my life lolll someone asked me out",Depression +23281,"Man, sometimes I jump from "" I want to kill myself and life is worthless"" to "" raimbows, glitter ,cute things and lil frogs"" to "" an oddball that just want to smash stuff"" and then "" anxiety oddball"". And that happens so fuking fast. What the fuck is happening?",Suicidal +23282,"I have had EDNOS (google it) for almost 5 years and I am thorougly tired of life. I have tried to hang myself 3 times, obviously unsuccessfully and I have come to the conclusion burning charcoal indoors is the best way to go, does anyone have any tips or instuctions how to pull it off without failing? how to pull it off?",Suicidal +23283,"Being 'loved' or 'cared for' is just a giant sham. All that means is that people are going to manipulate you, hurt you, disappoint you, trash you, fuck you over, and I cannot do it anymore. I do not want any friends, not a boyfriend, I just want to be totally alone. Everyone that claims to 'love me' just manipulates me and wants me to be their doormat to walk all over. An interaction with someone has a 50/50 shot at making me feel totally either suicidal, socially anxious, or severely depressed. Rarely do I walk away from a social experience saying ""wow that was fun / wow that made me feel great about myself! / wow I feel so loved and appreciated."" Ironically if I just set some boundaries and stand up for myself for once I am sure they will all just leave me on their own anyways. I do not want any kind of relationship anymore.",Suicidal +23284,Its not that i worry to much about my life is just i do not worry at all about myself. I am always hating myself because i cannot keep up with what people want or what i think they want and no matter how many times times a person tell me not to worry and that they do not care i cannot listen to them. Like when my parents mentioned the price of therapy I could not care about the pain l. I only cared about the burden my existence was putting on the people around me. How do I care about myself,Depression +23285,"I am suffering from major depression. I have got a rare nervous system disease and I am in chronic pain. I am newly a stay at home dad terrified I am deteriorating into nothing.But I get these fits of rage. Today, in couples counseling (and we walked in hand-in-hand), I blew ten gears at the therapist and walked out, after calling my wife a liar.I will not get into the details. But the rage is so real and strong and I do not know where it comes from or how to direct it.If by morning my wife has left me, I would not be surprised. I am not violent, I just yell and she cannot handle yelling. She does not deserve yelling. it is so hard not to get riled up! How do I deal with the fits of rage?",Depression +23286,What are the best coping mechanisms for dealing with depression. I feel alone. I get mad at my friends. Especially after I felt like I have been there for them and they are not there for me What are the best coping mechanisms for dealing with depression,Depression +23287,"I already know I have depression and GAD, I have been dealing with those things since I was a child. I cannot say I have dealt with them properly, but I at least understand them, fully. But there is something else wrong with me and I do not know what it is. I am extremely defensive & feel utterly rejected over the tiniest things. Any perceived rejection or abandonment towards me sends me into a spiral. Most of the time I am definitely overreacting and essentially making shit up in my head. But even knowing this, it is like a rage builds inside me & I can feel myself become this awful, hostile person. Towards people that do not even realize that I am upset or why.it is like poison inside me. Even towards people I love, the smallest offense makes me feel like I hate them, like I should just cut the relationship off because hey, apparently they hate me anyway. I have felt this towards my best friend before, who is like my soulmate. I never express this to her because I know it would hurt her and that I am being irrational. Internalizing it has still managed to occasionally affect our relationship. But she does not know the extent of it.I am so extremely jealous, insecure, and in need of validation. I have only had one long-term relationship, & I was completely codependent on her. it is a miracle she was a good person, because I really believe I would let someone I love abuse me just to gain their approval. I have also started experiencing dissociation more frequently the past few years. To the point where I have had to pull to the side of the road so I do not crash my car.This is a long post & it is the middle of the night so I know no one will read this. But I feel like I am going crazy and I do not know why. Or maybe I am making everything up for attention. I just know I cannot live the rest of my life like this. there is something else wrong with me & I do not know what it is",Depression +23288,"I do not want to bother normal people anymore, I just cannot think of positivity, i know existing and hardship are somehow a twin majestic disaster, but everything is overwhelming. Everything is a great regret, the things that I wanted turns out to drain out of me and the dreams that only keeps me alive has vanished to the unknown. I wanted to feel every second like before, appreciate the air that I breath, but at the same time I just want to suffocate myself and cease my existence. Where did I go wrong? Or was I in the wrong side all through out? Have I been forcing myself too much or this is just normal? I do not know anymore. I am at 20's, but it turns out that I stare into someone I do not know. Running in circles",Depression +23289,"Man in fucking tired. I laugh, but I cannot breathe I cannot think, I cannot help but cry for hours in my room. I cannot stand this family anymore I just want to kill myself and I have tried before but I cannot even fucking do that right for fuck sake. I am tired i really am of no one fucking listening to me, of no one understanding me, WELL FUCK THE UNDERSTANDING PART. At least listen but nope. My head feels numb from the number of times I hit it against the wall, how the fuck have I survived 15 years in this house I do not know. Someone probably has it so much worse then me that I cannot even imagine, but who the fuck cares about how they have it. I want someone to care about how I have it, I want someone to listen to me scream for hours on end about how fucked up everything is. I want someone to agree with me and not contradict the first fucking sentence that comes out of my mouth. I am straying away from my belief in God everyday, no matter how hard I try I cannot fulfil any wish of mine, I cannot do anything I put my mind to...well anymore at least, I cannot think straight, I cannot breathe. Seeing my mother trying to keep our family together is just rough man, in tired of seeing her be abused by my dad, physically for 7 or 8 years of my life, and now mentally. I hate him, I would shoot him if someone gave me a gun without hesitating. I hate my sister, she is a little devil, and I mean that literally, she is the reason for so many problems in my house, I do not want to live anymore, I am tired of fucking hearing the same god fucking damned phrase ""it gets better with time"". Fuck. Time. it is bullshit, god favours the bold, more like god favours the rich and famous. I do not want to do this anymore, I am not scared of death, or what is after it. I know a very pleasant hell awaits me, but I am not scared for some reason. I am not able to stop myself from crying sometimes I cannot hold back emotions. I just want to hug someone for so long that I fall asleep. I want to talk about how I do not want to live, and I do not want ""constructive criticism"", I just want you to listen I just want someone to listen. I give up, cus there is no one I know like that. I give up, cus I do not know where my life is headed, I give up of hearing comparisons of me to other children of my age and how they score really well, I give up of my parents assuming that the games I play and the people I talk to ""behind their back"" are the reason for my anger, I give up of this motherfucking bullshit of a life. I give up. Thank you for reading. Man I am tired",Depression +23290,I have never really been a functional person. As a kid I would just take everything as a game or a joke and be lazy. As I got older it was more of the same until I got depressed. I guess I also feel guilty of some shitty things I have done. In 7th and 8th grade there was a kid who was annoying af. He would always be getting on everyone is nerves. Some of the kids started sort of just keeping distance and telling him to fuck off. On 8th grade a new kid came to school. More of a bully kind of guy and he was pretty good friends with everyone but he started bullying the other kid who was annoying. Not just telling him to fuck off but physically too. He would punch him on the arm and on the stomach a lot and make him do his homework. And to me it seemed not like bullying because the annoying kid kept hanging out with him but now i see how he was manipulative to that kid. I never punched him but I also did nothing to stop the other guy because I wanted to fit in I guess. I also remember that there was a girl who was pretty heavy for her age in the same school. The girls all had problems with her. Mostly because she was really problematic and always wanted to get into a fight. I also never actively bullied her but maybe passively by not telling the other girls to stop. Idk I feel pretty bad about a lot of things but these are some that I remembered today. Although some details maybe wrong because my mind plays games on me sometimes and my memory gets fuzzy and there has been times where I created memories out of nowhere. I guess I deserve this,Depression +23291,"i would shoot myselfohthe universe is exploding. the universe is exploding. the universe is exploding. the universe is exploding. no place is large enough to contain the scream inside me. If I had a dollar for every time someone on earth said the word ""hello""",Suicidal +23292,"My doctor prescribed me to celexa, does anyone have any experience or thoughts on it? Thank you! Celexa?",Depression +23293,Get funnyBecome hoeGo to the doctorsKill myself To do list,Suicidal +23294,I am really struggling to find motivation to continue. Please help me. I do not want to do this but i do not have anything left. I just lost my fiancee who i spent the last 9 years with. the love of my life left me.,Suicidal +23295,"I do not care about anything anymore. I do not want to actually harm myself just yet, but I actually pray that I would have an incurable disease or suffer a stroke that ends it all. Had one a small one a few years ago due to high blood pressure (232 over 147) even though I am only 40. Work is a never ending disaster. People calling off. People not following work instructions. Inability to buy standard equipment because our other sites are losing money. The kids always need something. Daddy this and daddy that. She will not share. Can I have a snack? I have lost my few friends that I had over the years due to family and work commitments. Found out I did not get my dream job today that I interviewed for with a company that I have been looking at for several years. The icing on the cake is my wife who has been on a personal vacation (while I have had to cancel my own personal golfing appointment several times because she has other plans) to visit friends in another state flat out refused to talk to me on the phone today because she did not to be rude to her friends. She has not called me to talk once in the 4 days she has been gone. Because she was busy. So here I sit in my garage. Alone like always. Chain smoking and drinking vodka and Red Bull. Debating about going off my blood pressure meds because I just cannot take all of the crap anymore. that is all life is. Crap compounded on more crap. And when the one person you think you can depend on leaves you high and dry when you ask for help you wonder why am I doing this. You feel black and dead inside all the time and just want to be done. I have tried counseling but I just feel like crap on the drive home knowing that no one is going to listen to me again until I see that person who I have to pay to listen to me because I have no one else that will. At the End of my Rope in Every Possible Way!",Suicidal +23296,"Literally right after I posted how I always fuck up and keep pushing people away, I did it again. I got upset for no reason and snapped at someone. I am done. I did not need any more stress at this moment. I am just done. I do not want to fucking live anymore feeling so miserable and just keep pushing away and hurting the people I love. I am going to do it tonight I am done Good bye. I am done",Suicidal +23297,"I hate how I look and how I act and how my brain works, I hate how I will not get treated with respect unless I am found attractive I am tired of being the ugly friend every time I see a women attractive I want to rip my eyes out I am only fifteen so why am I comparing myself to 26s year old models. I wish I was not so fucking ugly",Depression +23298,I am so lonely it physically hurts. I cannot open up to people so I am in a prison of my own making. I will never be anyones first choice. I have nothing to offer. I am a loser. Literally the own thing keeping me from killing myself is my dogs. And the fear that Ill fuck it up and end up permanently disabled or disfigured. I hate this life. I hate myself. Fuck. I am an afterthought,Suicidal +23299,"I am severely suicidal and I wish to die soon. I have missed out on all the fun and social life and whatnot I should have had starting in elementary school. Nothing can make up for it. I have been to multiple doctors and therapists and even an outpatient program, I have been on every kind of medication and multiple of each kind. Nothings has helped at all, if anything really all this bullshit has made things worse. I had originally intended to live for a while longer and see if things get better but I cannot take this suffering anymore. Possibly as a last ditch effort I will go into full on hospitalization and see if that helps, but if that does not help I will plan to euthanize myself. I have missed out on my childhood and years",Depression +23300,I do not even have the words. I am a braindead zombie. that is it. I am to tired and demoralized to explain further. Its been like this for years. Same day in my own mental hell Depression has destroyed my mind and personally,Depression +23301,"I do not want to die but i hate waking up everyday and feeling so empty and alone; i stop caring about things like why would I do that to my self??? ....i just want to scream, punch a wall .... Idk what I am feeling right now and why do i hate my self so much I do not understand why i feel like this ...",Depression +23302,I have planned to kill myself by train at the railroad tracks in a very quiet location easily accesible but however somebody else is also trying to kill themselves there as well and the local police in my area have a made a post about this looking for hom will this draw heat to the location and make it harder for me to die successfully due to police more likely to surveil the area? Somebody else is trying to kill themselves the same way same place i have planned will this draw heat to the location?,Suicidal +23303,Lately I have found myself asking myself the same question. Well.. even more than usual.Is this even worth it? And what is different now is that I even ask myself that question even when I am having a good moment. A little moment of enjoyment or happiness. Like.. is this little moment I am having here even worth all of this? Is it worth living for? Because lately it seems like its all just meaningless. Like its not worth it in the end. I cannot believe I have gotten to the point where Ill even question the good moments. I mean fuck. Why cannot I appreciate them for what they are? Why do I have to question if a good moment I am experiencing in life is worth it all? Any normal person would be happy and appreciate that moment.. Not question if its worth living for. Is this even worth it?,Depression +23304,So some will remember a post I made about a certain wall. And me having kicked it. My job said they would not hold it against me but had to move me to another post. This post sucks. I literally asked my boss if I am being punished. He said I was not but it feels like I could be. No one comes in on time and no one stays long and leaves us in a lurch. My schedule is erratic and at this point I have left late as much as I have on time. Have I payed my penance? Has work been shitty enough that I can stop feeling bad about the only bad thing I have done at my job Notice I have never been late or missed a shift. Work blues,Depression +23305,"First off yes my username is funny, but let us get down to what I am really here for. My main problem is I cannot stop thinking about hurting people. Not just killing people but torturing and defilement of the living and dead. At this point I genuinely want this, though in my mind I know its wrong the struggle is emotionally I do not care at all. Really not sure what I want out of saying all this, some advice possibly? Empathy? Maybe just comfort in at least a possibility of being able to talk about this sort of thing without being branded as a horrible person which I already believe myself. I am scared of talking to people about my suicidal thoughts, anxiety, ect, but I am definitely scared to talk about this. Also I am already taking meds and going to therapy if anyone was about to recommend either. Lmk if you have any questions. I should probably use a throwaway account or make a longer post but fuck it.",Suicidal +23306,"i do not know how to explain this because I have never been good at english or anything in my life but ill do my best to explain, hi I am 11 years old and I have been struggling through depression ever since I have been in 2nd grade. I have been so sad because there are so many people bullying me online and irl. i do not want to kill myself but i do not want to exist, i just want to run away and not look back. i do not know what to do with my life and i do not have any friends to talk about my feelings. i have social anxiety so i cannot really make friends. i feel like shit and i just do not want to exist . my parents neglect me and my brother is abusive. i just wish i could not exist in this cruel world ( sorry for a bad post but do not blame me I am bad at english and I am only 11 ) please help. :( help.",Depression +23307,"When I started my depression in October 2020, I was in a relationship where I could not be listening or understood. My partner put me more guilt even when I thought everything was my fault and I was shit. He sees me a patient more than a person or his gf. At home, everyone disrespect me or point out everything I do. It got worse when my partner decide to end things. The guilt was there and still. My friends was not really there for me. I really thought that they were given a false empathy. It makes me a the edge. The only reason that I could not kill myself was my parents. I do not want to hurt them but the feeling to be the worst it is still there. it is hard when the only support that you have it is your psy. I came from a culture where talking about seeing the psy it is because you are crazy. it is so difficult to open to someone and see the false empathy. I feel sad, empty and exhausted. it is hard...",Depression +23308,Everyone around me is better than I am and I know its true. I am nothing I am useless,Depression +23309,"As someone who has mild hair loss, I decided to give Propecia a chance 12 months ago. A few months after beginning treatment, I felt off with feelings of depression and anxiety. For a while, I could not figure out what was going on until I did research this week about how the medication is linked with depression. Sure, Id like to keep my hair but mental health is far more important. I plan on stopping the medication tomorrow and wanted to see if anyone else has experienced something similar. Once stopping the medicine, do the side effects begin to wane? Fortunately, I have not experienced sexual dysfunction that would understandably lead to depression. Propecia and Depression",Depression +23310,"I am actually at the end of it all. My partner tells me how much they care for me, even though I have just expressed how much I want to take my own life, and their response was to fall asleep as I went missing for quite some time.I have been feeling so alone and helpless for the last few years. Everything I have ever put my heart and soul into has confirmed how much of a failure I am, I have never succeeded in anything I have tried. Even as I write this, I just want to hop into my car and drive it into the nearest lake and end it all.I am leaving all personal stories out of this, otherwise I would be typing for probably a few months. But in short, I have been mistreated by family and friends all my life, I have been bullied for many years, and my anxiety means I cannot even perform the simplest task. Please, if anyone is able to give me some form of help, it will stop me from getting into my car in the next hour and driving it into my local lake. I do not want to live anymore",Depression +23311,I am not new to depression or suicidal thoughts I have always had some under lying thought or emotions about depression and suicide but as I have gotten older and started to learn more of myself I Have been diagnosed and have accepted that it is something I will most likely deal with for the remainder of my waking life. As I learn more and more everyday about this I keep finding myself in the same situation where the best way I can describe it is like something In my physical brain flips a switch from happy to emotional depresses and suicidal. I am just reaching out to see if anyone else has experienced Or is experiencing something like this and what you do to help your self cope with it.( sorry if this post its long winded or hard to understand I am not doing the best right now) I am new to depression.,Depression +23312,my parents think that I am being a burden by having a mental illness. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety recently(which I believe I have had for many years now) and I am suicidal. My dad says the fact that I self harm is childish and I need to grow up..what the actual- okay anyways the fact that I do that is burdening them I am shaking wtf okay. He says I do it because I am boredsir what the actual hell. I SAID I FELT EMPTY WHERE DID YOU GET BORED FROM?!?!?he is so ignorant it hurts What am I supposed to do????I am scared I am going to force myself to get better and end up being more depressed. They do not take any accountability for their actions like I am just depressed to be depressed I hate everyone AND THEN THEY WANT TO SEND ME TO A BOARDING SCHOOL because THEY CAN HANDLE MY MENTAL HEALTH still shaking(imagine if I did drugs and had a child gaSP I wonder what would happen). My grandma convinced them not to but still worried some people in scrubs going to come and take me away should I just take it day by day orrr? Run away ctrl-alt-delete my life like wtf? Literally ask and answer away I am the most open ever so whatever and the most stubborn Being a burden because of my mental health????,Depression +23313,Tonight is the night I am going to try and open up to someone in real life for the first time if it goes wrong you will not here from me for a long time Wish me luck,Depression +23314,Has anyone been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and have any positive experiences with somewhat overcoming it? Either with or without medication? I also have generalized anxiety and depersonalization/derealization but I struggled most with the waves of my depression. Insight from those dx with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD),Depression +23315,"I am tired of being on the verge of tears every night. I am tired of not being able to get help because of poverty and my deadbeat dad who does not give enough of a shit about me to get me health insurance again. I am tired of being afraid to talk about things-- I am tired of so being *so afraid* of socialization. I am tired of being selfish and feeling abandoned by my sister just because she is having a good time with friends. I am tired of her joy being my misery. I am tired of being awful, of suspecting that there is something wrong with me but not being to do anything about it. I am just so, so tired of everything and it is all adding up. I am reaching my breaking point. I cannot hardly cope anymore. I am tired",Suicidal +23316,How does that even work. I feel numb towards things but yet I feel so overwhelmed with emotion.. frustration and pain. I do not know. I feel numb and yet so overwhelmed all at once.,Depression +23317,After dealing with this disease since 2006 I attempted to hang myself. I tied it off around the doorknob and leaned forwards. I guess I did not far enough though because as I started to blackout my legs caught the weight. Now idk what to do. Should I try again? It finally happened,Depression +23318,I never know what I want and that gets frustrating. I am so indecisive and I do not know why but it affects so many aspects of my life. Including relationships. I question everything and get so stuck in my head that it leads me nowhere except being stuck in the same place. And I am so tired of that. I do not know how to feel or how I feel sometimes and I do not understand that. I never know what I want,Depression +23319,"Well SuicideWatch, been thinking a lot of doing suicide, but when i think things are shit, they just get a little bit better and that is fine, i think. they have never let me do anything since I was 8, no friends, no hanging out with friends, that stuff. My friends had to move somewhere else and then i was all alone for 5 entire years, on high school i made a couple of friends, most of them leaved them because different reasons, money, they died, etc. I got into a fight and i almost lost my eye. I live in a ""box"" since I am never allowed to leave out of house, just to go to the market, or when i go with my grandma, etc, but after that, nothing. On Preparatory (Higher than high school, at least on Mxico) i made a bunch of female friends, just for the 1st semester, and then, all alone, again. My parent's marriage is tearing apart, they shut between themselves a lot lately, like for a month or so they have been so toxic. Tomorrow my grandma is going to have a party and i bet they will get mad at each other. I want to escape, i do not really want to commit suicide, not even if i do not even feel pleasure from jerking off, etc, i do not feel any pleasure from it, i never feel ""happy"" just when i play with some friends online that i constantly get yelled at because i spend a lot more time on the computer lately. I would really love to leave my country so i can start a new life, i have even tried getting a ""sugar mommy"" so i get out of the country, yet it have not happened. But this suicidal thoughts started since i was 11, when my little sister was born, my father loves her a lot, she even gets more attention from my dad, making my mom angry and viceversa. I do not really know what to do, i do not feel pleasure anymore in almost anything, no joy in anything, i just feel sadness, anger, sometimes i feel ""horny"" but that is it, i have dated online a lot of girls, yes, but in the end that maked me feel even worse, i never had a true friend or a real girlfriend, nor anything. I would use some kind of advice, thank you. Another suicidal thought",Suicidal +23320,"For me, my mood is in that constant undulation and my heads above water, but slowly in such subtle ways, I stop undulating. The slope of descent does not increase, its just I do not get the same upslope to bring me to baseline. And i find myself slowly but surely going down down down. That is depression for me. Never all or nothing. Never fully recover. Good days; bad days. I just realize I am on a downhill, not an uphill and maybe a the trough. But I am not doing good right now. Undulations",Depression +23321,"I feel like I have been taken advantage of my whole life. I was molded into this helper figure that everyone just uses and toss away once they are finished. They are hundreds of versions of myself and non of them are the real me. I feel so fake and that I do not belong anywhere. I want to die so much, I want this pain and hopelessness to end so much. My life was never mine",Depression +23322,"everything is entirely stupid and pointless to me, so i do things or do not do certain things that upset other people. it just makes me even more reluctant to live. all their judgment. its stupid. i feel like ill never be a productive human, or useful, or not an entire waste of space. i use people bc they are strong and I am not. so, who really needs that kind of person around? i dunno anymore",Depression +23323,"I do not have any plans to kill myself but I wish I was not around anymore. I feel like a failure. I have done so many stupid things and been so mean due to my alcoholism.My calls me every day, visits me, rubs my back, takes me out to eat. I feel like do not deserve to have her as my mom.I sometimes just wish something would happen to me. I know my family would miss me but I feel like they would be better off without me causing them stress.I feel like I have nothing going for me. I do not want to be here anymore",Depression +23324,"last week maybe, football then done. Cba anymore. Think a lot of great ideas and solutions in my head but then I realise I am just day dreaming and scheming, and in reality its done. Fucking hate whenever things seem to get better Ill just remember something. Must of been here however many times but hope of change kept me going, but now I think I realise that even if the ideal happens it will not change anything and Ill still want to die so ITS COMING HOME",Suicidal +23325,"she is still gone, I know she is never coming back but I will always wist for her. Life is not worth it without her. Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on and help myself. But I cannot. I have fucking tried and everyone does not listen. Nobody knows what the fuck they are talking about. I am alone and she is never going to comeback. Why is it frowned upon to kill yourself? it is perfectly reasonable. People like me are just fundamentally wrong and cannot be helped. I am a dependent person. I need her and she needs to be alone. So that means I need to die because it is better than living in pain. I do not know what to do. And everybody keeps telling me to do things I cannot do. So I am fucked. it is been over a month and it is worse",Suicidal +23326,I am a student and work part-time.Today my professor shamed me infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time. I am not able to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much. Help me if you can.I do not know what to do.I feel hopeless. I do not know how to show my face again in class. I am feeling so ashamed. My life is just falling apart. I wish i never existed. Life is so overwhelming. I wish I never existed,Depression +23327,"So, I want to kill myself. Issue? There are certain people who really care about me. And though I should live for them, I really do not want to considering my pain and suffering. I do not want to suffer anymore and I would rather just die. How to hide a suicide?",Suicidal +23328,"I got 2 good buddies left, they are great and all I really have now, but I think i might just call it after we go drinking tommorow.It just feels pleasant now, a nice comforting out, and Litterly Any pain I have felt to this point would not have mattered.If I end up going through with it, then take it ez fellas, love you all Meeting up with friends for last time",Suicidal +23329,"everything is ready, I have what I would need to do it, I have all my notes written out, I have a will written out but its not legal, I have every detail planned except a date. All I know is that it will be ready when I have the guts to do it. I just do not want to leave my pets, they would not understand why I suddenly left them. My family, friends and boyfriend would at least understand why I did it. They could get past it and honestly I am at the point where I do not even think they would be shocked or terribly upset, they all know its eventually going to happen. I have tried everything, you name it, I have tried it, nothing seems to help anymore. I wish I ended it before it got worse but each time i attempted, I either ended up in the hospital, or in some way recovering. I do not want to fuck up and become a vegetable though, overdosing never worked, the first time i threw up and the second time with pills i had to get my stomach pumped. This will be my sixth and final attempt (aside from times I chickened out.) and if all goes smoothly, no one that i know personally would have to see my body. I was diagnosed at a very young age and i guess I have reached a point where i do not have the energy to keep trying I have all of it planned but no date",Suicidal +23330,"oh my god, I am literally so tired. why cannot I be happy or just feel anything other than sad or numbness. Sometimes, I wonder if Ill end up alone because I just do not have the motivation to do anything anymore. I do not even want to say hi to my family anymore. I do not want to do anything anymore. I do not even want to be here anymore. I am just tired of existing I am so fatigued",Depression +23331,"God I love this boy so dearly and it physically pains me to see him suffer. Lately hes been spending a lot of days in bed and has not been motivated to do the things he enjoys. When I called him today he seemed so sad and did not have much energy. He told me he did not sleep well the past couple of nights. When he told me these things, I almost immediately tied them to being possibly depressed and I have no idea what to do. I told him that I love him and understand how he might be feeling right now. I said that everything would be okay and that he can ALWAYS talk to me if he feels like hes alone and needs help. I gave him some tips (that I learnt in my therapy for anxiety and ocd) like trying to focus on doing some meditation and becoming more active. I invited him to do some yoga with me and meditation, but he did not seem keen (which is okay). I am just so scared to lose him to this horrible illness and I just want to help him but I do not know how to.. can someone please help ? How do I help my boyfriend ?",Depression +23332,"Another reason to blow my brains out In the end, people get tired of me or call me annoying or self centered or psychotic",Suicidal +23333,"I suffer from an incurable and poorly treated condition. People underestimate it then abandon me when they realize how bad it gets. Is it me? Is it something I did wrong? They tell me it is just too depressing to see someone get that sick so often with no way of easing it. That they did not know it was *that* bad. I am currently with someone that did the same thing in the beginning of the relationship. Underestimate it when after previous experiences I made sure I was extremely clear. He led me to believe he would protect me. Once again I ask him if it is something I am doing and he just said I should have known he was stupid when I made it clear in the beginning. That it was my fault for believing him. he is only interested in me now when he has a boner and I am severely depressed about it, which makes me cold and he complains he does not get laid enough. Vicious cycle. But I am currently in the middle of a bad flare from my condition and can barely walk. I cannot go anywhere. I have to stay here and even if I did make it out, I would end up in a homeless shelter. So I lay here now in the dark everyday terrified of my next attack, about to run out of pto and will need to go on disability (and that is a gamble tbh), and the only person in my life that was committed to helping me is now terrified of my condition yet will still try to be present only if he has a boner. And if I move out I will not really have that much of a better life anyways. Fuck man. Fuck. I cannot even believe this is my life. I cannot believe how many shitty people exist in this world. Everyone is a mix of stupid and crazy and I have to rely on them to survive. I am so fucked. I am headed towards a mental breakdown.",Suicidal +23334,"I feel like I need to reset my relationship with masturbation because I use it to counter feelings of depression, lack of motivation, low self esteem... its become a habit and it is not even that I am in the mood for it, I just do it whenever I am in my room alone because it can kind of distract me from feeling bad... but I still feel shitty. Like it does not even feel good sometimes. And then I feel worse afterwards because I think of how much time I wasted doing something I did not even enjoy. Masturbation is not something I am ashamed of on its own but the way I have been using it makes me feel worse. Masturbation and Depression",Depression +23335,I am a horrible selfish person who does not deserve to be alive. i am an attention seeking awful bitch who deserves to die. i am worthless. absolutely worthless. a rotting carcass is all i am. how much longer can i cut beat or starve myself until there is nothing left. I am so tired i deserve to rot,Suicidal +23336,So comforting I love that if my life ever becomes more unbearable than it is now that i can just end it with a fail-proof method.,Suicidal +23337,Fuck seroquel. Why would my idiot nurse give me that. Made me sleep til 5pm daily. Literally doing better without meds,Depression +23338,So comforting and peaceful... I love that if my life ever becomes even more unbearable than it is now that i can just end ut with a fail-proof method,Suicidal +23339,"He texted me Your life sucksId kill myself if I were youI almost went away to a psych hold 2 weeks ago, voluntarily. He knew this. It was a big deal because I have never ever sought help previously, and he knows I have been basically bedridden with depression for years. I wish I went but I did not . I should have gone to figure out how to leave him but I did not. He acted supportive- but then he says shit like this. All the time. For 7 years, and I am only 24. it makes me want to fucking die i cannot take it anymore I have been feeling suicidal for the past 3 months after years of clinical depression. I have been with this man for nearly 7 years and have always been able to brush it off, I had abusive parents so it was normal to me. Hes said horrible things like this 100 times, but this really hurts me",Suicidal +23340,"I am worried than when I die, someone will find out horrible things about me. I know I should not care because Ill be dead anyway, but I am still scared. Should I factory reset?? Will my phone be searched?",Suicidal +23341,"This month has been pretty hard. But I will take it one day at a time I guess. Writing things down helps to some extent especially if I talk to my psychologist about it. But man when things get too much, I feel as if I cannot write things down. My mind starts racing at all the bad things but then connects it to past experiences. Positive and/or negative. Or I will just completely freeze up or forget about it. Even writing this is difficult. Or I will convince myself things will get better and I should not write that down since I have got bigger problems I would like to discuss. Or it is not that big a deal which it does not need to be. Wish there was more to say Having too much on my mind and I do not know how to write it down.",Depression +23342,"(17 M) I have never had any friends because I do not know what to talk about. My mum constantly tells me that I do not have anxiety and I just need to snap out of it. I cannot.I have not said a word to my family this week. They say I am being ignorant and rude. I probably am. I just do not know what to say. Id much rather be by myself. I might sound like an asshole but seriously I just like being alone.I went on vacation with my whole family for Christmas late last year. I could not speak to any of them. I never have. They (Aunty, uncle, cousins, grandparents) complained to my mother that I am rude and need to grow up. My mum has not spoken to any of them since then because of that. she is starting to realise that it was a mistake to defend me.And now I am starting to realise that they would all probably be better off without me. I have no plan for my future anyway. Any help would be nice. do not hesitate to tell me I am being ridiculous Any help would be nice",Suicidal +23343,"Yesterday a guy I have been talking to for a few weeks blocked me out of the blue. I am really hurt. I do not know what is wrong with me, I mess it up every time I try to start a relationship. No one wants me, I am so sick of it. This guy seemed so wonderful, he was so sweet and affectionate, it seemed too good to be true. I cared about him so much. Why would he do that to me? I am so angry. I would never do that to someone, hes caused me so much pain. I have been so lonely and sad for so long, I was so excited to have hope at being happy for once. Other people do not understand because they do not know how fucking horrible I feel all the time and how much I really need this.I know its so pathetic but I have been trying to contact him on different accounts on different social media but he keeps blocking me. He really cannot just tell me why he unadded me? This is the angriest I have felt in so long. I am fucking alone, people do not enjoy being around me, most people do not understand, I might as well just end it I am so fucking lonely",Suicidal +23344,"Talk me out of this sentiment and give me your logic- be brutal. I think Id be so ideal and such a good because of death than an apparent suicide. But that is assuming Id get sick enough and deteriorate , otherwise $hit- I guess Id just add physical pain to distract from the emotional one. here is my concern: Are unvaccinated people only a risk to themselves ( excluding being around those who are unable to get the vaccine abroad young kids) or is this a false claim? Do I pose a risk to others? I would just not travel maskless or in large groups but what are your thoughts on this. If there is a chance that an unvaccinated person can die, Id like to take my chances BUT",Suicidal +23345,"Delusional neighborsHi everyone, I live in LA and my neighbors like to talk outside in the hall of the apartment complex. Btw I live in the projects (talking to them nicely is not going to be a solution.)Do not know much about them since they live across the hall. All I know is that there are adults (let us call them the red neighbors) in their thirties or older, do not work and I think they live off food stamps like a lot of people in the projects. There are a total of 5 women possibly not sure. Most of their time they spend talking outside their apartment door, hallway, or staircase. My apartment is less than 20 feet from the staircase so I guess they can hear when I am doing my chores. Lately, I noticed that they have been giving me stares when I see them outside. They used to talk to me before when I moved in years ago ""hi neighbor, how are you?"" when they would see me but shortly after that we stopped. No reason at all and well I do not mind because I have social anxiety so it is hard for me to speak to strangers even if they are my neighbors. So I might come off as shady to people but I am a no-one so why should someone care right? Anyways I also noticed that they have been talking ""quiter"" when I start cooking, or doing laundry, or washing my dishes but I feel like my neighbors think I am nosy and eavesdropping. They have not said anything to me directly but I have heard them say ""stop pretending your cooking"" or sometimes mentioning my apartment number. I am not sure if they were saying this subtle comment directly to me or whatnot but I am always listening to music with my earbuds on so maybe it is in my head.update: I wrote the top part a couple of days ago and left it as a draft bc I did not know what else to write but here is an update on this situation. they asked me when they found me in the lobby. ""I know you are listening to our conversations. do not act stupid. you pretend to cook so you can listen to what we are saying. "" me: ""I have never listened to any of your conversations nor does it interest me. I am often hearing music on my earbuds when I do my chorers. but if you do not like people listening in to your daily convos then I suggest talking outside of the building or in your own apartment"" neighbors: ""I know you are fucking lying. if you continue to do this ill fuck you up!"" I was taken aback by this ""confrontation"" bc I am allowed to do my chores at any time of day. just bc they are out there talking does not mean I should stop and not do it at all until they leave. So I am a bit shaken up since I have anxiety I am getting very nervous. I do know that they were not bluffing when it came down to fighting me. like I mentioned I live in the projects and it is not the nicest place to live nor are people nice here. I can not move out since I have not finished school nor do I have a full-time job. Can anyone help me with how I should go about it??? I am freaking out. i live with other family members and I am scared they might harm them too. we are on the skinny and petite side while they are tall and big so we are at a disadvantage here. I just cannot wrap my head around the reason why they are mad at me. do they feel entitled and why? are they on drugs that it has damaged how they think? Or are other neighbors on my floor talking shit about me to them? I once heard another neighbor (orange neighbor) who I have never talked to but I know his voice since he likes to join them in the hallway. Well, he referred to me as the Spanish female and he kept on repeating my apartment number. To this day I have no idea why. I know this because he was yelling at this point. that another neighbor (pink neighbor) had to come out and calm him down (btw pink, orange, and red neighbors know each other. I think they grew up in the same building since they were children. Also, all the neighbors are thirty or beyond since they have kids) Another instance was that the red neighbors were fighting outside in the hall that pink neighbors stepped in and said to lower the volume bc ""Spanish girl"" is listening. Tf why would I be listening plus I am not the only person living on the floor there are other families and they are being loud enough for everyone to hear. Mind you I was nowhere doing chores but in my bedroom and they were loud enough for me to hear. I just do not get why they are picking on me and I am the Spanish girl since I am the only Spanish on my floor. Why would Pink neighbors say that? Could it be bc they hold a grudge against me? Before COVID pink neighbor's kids used to play in the hall and their kids intentionally would hit my door with a basketball and kick it while laughing. I confronted them and never apologized instead they acted as If I was the villain. Btw all of these neighbors also do not work is that why they are so interested in me since they have nothing else to do??? I start working soon in person again so hopefully, I do not run on them but that is probably a lie since they stay at home all the time. I just do not understand what is it about me that they feel like they could bully me. I have been bullied before so this brings back memories and makes me feel like shit. If anyone could suggest something I would appreciate it. Delusional neighbors",Suicidal +23346,"I used to work out in Hollywood not so long ago, and I loved it. It was the prime of me, having work, looking good and being on top of everything.Walking around I started feeling like I do not have it together like I did a few years ago. I had the whole world in front of me, and lately I feel like I am trapped in problems and I cannot take it anymore.I miss all the women I used to go out with but now I cannot see any of them anymore because I am a fucking asshole.I seemed therapy but was turned away, so that was highly discouraging.. because not even a professional can help me get over this nostalgia I get at random times, because I hate my life as it stands today. I feel useless. Unloved. Under appreciated.. and like life is just going by without me having any say in what I do.I tried to get out of it. Working out, taking some trips.. but its not the same. Its not the same without that one ex I was madly in love with.. ever since she left my life has turned into shit. Its been 5 years almost, and yet I still think of her. My love. Love is gone.My depression comes from losing family.. losing girlfriends.. losing control of life.. I am simply lost. Felt like crying walking around Hollywood blvd.",Depression +23347,"Any time I am told something like, ""you are the most intelligent person I know"" or, ""you are really not that fat"" my immediate reaction in my head is like, ""that is right. Thanks for finally noticing"".But then I immediately hate myself for thinking like that and convince myself that what they are saying is just flattery or out of pity.So then, after I hate myself for being full of myself and not actually being the person they at least pretend I am, my response is usually along the lines of, ""I disagree. But thank you"".Am I, like, a closeted narcissist or something? Or is this normal? Last session my therapist revealed that she is leaning toward clinical depression, but I never brought up this thought process with her (every time I have tried to we end up on another topic), so I am wondering what you guys think. Not sure if this is normal or if I am a manipulative asshole.",Depression +23348,My brothers Patrick and Daniel I hope you rot in hell. They bullied me for appearing gay while they coerced me into sexual relationships at age 8. You guys stole from me everything of worth. I had to resort to survival sex to stay away from them. I ended up catching Hiv. I hate my life... I want to die I hate my childhood molesters,Suicidal +23349,"I have a life that some envy yet I am suicidal and I have self-harmed (I am three months clean of self-harm now). I do not see enough reasons for me to feel this way but somehow I have a lot on my chest that no one knows about too. I can barely remember what being genuinely happy feels like, I am mostly numb now but I occasionally cry myself to sleep since if I open up to anyone I would not get the help that I need or I will be ""babied"" because I am the youngest in the family. Also my best friends who are part of why I am still here have not responded to my texts on any social platform which is just adding insult to injury. I feel like an ass for being this way",Depression +23350,"I fantasize a lot about dying, but I have gotten to the point where I am not actively trying to kill myself anymore. When I am driving, I will fantasize about wrecking and dying in the process. Or just wish I could sleep and not wake up. Maybe I accidentally hurt myself badly. I am not actively trying to die anymore, but I definitely would not care if it happened I want to just die, but I do not want it to be on purpose",Suicidal +23351,Shitty thing to say i know right? But i just do not care about that part anymore because I would be dead anyways so i mean... To be honest hurting people that care about me by killing myself has become such an afterthought i just do not care how bad my suicide would hurt them,Suicidal +23352,Its just itching at me in my brain. Family member had a procedure recently and with other stockpiled I have a combination that I am pretty sure would do the job. But I am so afraid of being a vegetable. Or failing but slowly dying of liver failure. I have the right cocktail,Suicidal +23353,"Life is not fair. People say it gets better but it does not. My heart goes out to all of you here living terrible lives of constant pain without hope.I will end my misery soon for an illness I have been battling for 2 years without signs of recovery. I am at the precipice. Staring out at better pastures. The end of the line. I just need the courage to take the next step.Be at peace, my friends Sorry you all have to go through this",Suicidal +23354,"I am fucking tired. All pressures, sadness, loneliness are killing me. I have been on the edge for a week. I cannot deal w this. I just want to be dead and disappear already. I do not want to think. I do not want to think how I fucked up, how I hurt people who I love, how I could have done better or whatever. I am tired of getting upset about literally everything I do. I am done. I just want to disappear so I would not make further mess or hurt people more. Can I just fucking die already",Suicidal +23355,"I have always had intrusive thoughts about killing myself. It seems inevitable. Everything in my life appears to be going perfect, I had been able to manage the intrusive thoughts so that less than 5% were thoughts of self harm. But today more than 90% of my thoughts have been self destructive. Many times today I thought about swerving into a semi in the oncoming lane. Hopefully I can keep it together long enough to leave the country and find some hope. Thank you all for existing. having a difficult time",Suicidal +23356,"I do not know who I am talking to, but sorry for so many posts lately. I have been more active on this sub in the last month than I have been on all of Reddit in years.I think I just need someone to say this to while I figure things out.I have been dealing with suicidal ideation for almost 15 years. I can tell anyone the story of how when I was 12 years old I realized that dying would not bother me, but that is not what this is about. My life since then has always gone impulses, brief periods where I will be okay and productive, followed by increasingly longer and darker cycles where I am down, sad, depressed, unreachable, easily offended, and just generally not the kind of person I ever pictured I would be. And, because I have been dealing with this for so long, I know how to handle these periods, and I have always managed to cling through. I went through a really bad one a couple of years ago, which actually led to my first-ever post on this site, but I made it.But this time feels different. It started a little over two months ago, and drastically got worst a couple weeks back. Something about this does not feel like the norm, where I will think about ending it, imagine what life would be without me, and eventually snap out of it. Something about this feels more serious, more accepting. None of my old methods are working. When I try to make lists of people who will miss me, I said come up with list about how they would react to hearing killed myself, and cannot find anything that is motivating me to stay. When I try to think about everything that I be giving up if I were to end my life, like the show arcs that I will never get to finish, or the paintings I will never get to lay to canvas, none of it is enough to make me want to stay.Nothing is working. It scares me that I have reached this point of acceptance, because this does not feel like a hypothetical wondering of what life would be like if I were not part of it. I am starting to feel an acceptance seep into my bones, and I worry that I am not going to make it to my 28th birthday next year . . . Which has been my goal since I was 18.I do not know what I hope to come out of posting on here, but I guess I just wanted to be able to say to someone. I do not have any friends or family I can talk to you. do not get me wrong, I do have them, but none of them want to hear my problems, and those who do one understand it. I am not saying it is definitely going to happen, but I am saying that I am getting really scared, and to feel alone, and I think I know what is coming, and I am not sure what to do.Does anyone else know this? Have any of you managed to find your way back? Because I am at the point where I am deliberately taking long lunches on the roof so that here soon I can 'slip' and leave this place without anyone having to know that I chose to go.I am so lost. I Hope I Make It To The Day I am 28 Years Old",Suicidal +23357,"I still do not want to completely give up. I am already doing all of the basic health stuff as best as I can. I just want to be able to study again. What things can I try to be able to do that? I got denied treatment for depression, what now?",Depression +23358,"If you check my profile you will see that she is currently hospitalized for self-harm watch. I was trying to organize her things yesterday and I found a bunch of notes that were for different people she really cared about. I read mine and it was undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I could not get a hold of her hospital so I called her mom so that she could inform the doctor since I am not supposed to see her right now. Her mom is nearly demanding I turn over the notes to her because she really wants to read them. I refused saying it was not something anyone should ever read. I only read it because I was not sure what it was and it was addressed to me. My question is, am I an asshole for not giving her the notes or am I doing the right thing? I found my ex-gfs suicide notes",Suicidal +23359,"I am a failure at every level.Girls.Career.School.Health.I have got Depression no one can fix.I slept most of the past 3 days, or at least was in bed.cannot pay rent. Eat like shit. cannot get the motivation to do anything.Left my job because i could not handle it.. Got denied unemployment. So I have no money coming in.there is no bright side.I am not strong enough to turn things around.No friend or family knows how to help so they do not say anything.All I want to do is die so I do not have to feel like this anymore.Is that so wrong?But I have no easy way to kill myself. I cannot cut because I am squeamish with veins and shit.I do not own a gun and am nervous about trying to get one.I do not have access to any heights high enough or chemicals or pills to guarantee death.I am stuck living like this as it gets worse and worse but not bad enough to kill me.There is God. No merciful deity would let someone suffer like this.I just want to sleep and never wake up.The only one I consider staying alive for is my 17 year old kitty. She would not have anywhere to go if I was gone. Everyone else would be better off without me dragging them down. Why cannot I die?",Suicidal +23360,"I have no friends, I have no motivation, and I cannot take care of myself. I am sick of worrying all the time and never feeling good about myself. I am such a loser, if I cannot like myself then how can anyone else like me. I do not want to deal with this anymore, I just want to disappear forever. The least I can fucking do is get some motivation to end my life. I am a worthless piece of trash I want to end my miserable life",Suicidal +23361,Psychotic I know. Killing myself as revenge on ex boyfriend,Suicidal +23362,"I am currently 17, 6 months until my birthday. I do not think i can cope with the life I am leading anymore. I know it will end in failiure and dissapointment no matter what i do. Even if i work my ass off for a couple decades and have everything, i still do not see myself being fulfilled. I may as well end this life now than suffer through a life littered with 95% muck and garbage, 4% of feeling okay, and 1% feeling good. My living is just one big joke i feel, there is no one who cares about my well being and nothing i can do to be worth shit. Sorry for the senseless venting, love you all and stay safe <3 I am going to do it before I am 18",Suicidal +23363,:( ugh I cannot take it I do not even know myself,Suicidal +23364,I am just so happy rn and I do not know who to share it with. I have seen real progress at fading out of peoples lives. It took time but finally I think I have peace of mind that I will not be missed! Anything is possible! Just realized people do not need me :),Suicidal +23365,Should I die to go meet them in heaven? I do not know and I cry almost everyday its just me and my brothers and sisters please give me advice My mom died a few months ago and my dad is on life support.,Depression +23366,"I wish I knew what was wrong with me. So many people have had worse lives than me, but are perfectly functional unlike me... there is no excuse for how much of a pathetic loser I am. I used to tell myself it is my parents fault; they ruined me, that is why I cannot do it, but who cares?I feel like I have been dying for at least 6 years now. My dad attempted suicide when I was young, and successfully commit suicide a few years ago. He was never the same after he lost his job two years before attempting suicide for the first time, and he was never able to hold down a job since, except for work as a Uber driver for the last year of his life. I grew up believing that even if you tried your best, you were bound to fail, so why try? My dad tried hard, he was educated with multiple degrees, and he failed. There was so many humiliating moments in my life where he would beg for money in front of me, and sometimes even using me to beg. He would sing along to Bruno Mars' ""I Want to be a Billionaire"" in the car, threw a temper tantrum to my aunts and uncles demanding the bonus money one of my uncle's received because he was his former coworker before he was fired, had screaming fits of rage when my uncle and cousin did not loan him money he needed, brought my brother and I along to ask some guy of our ethnicity for a financial favor, etc. I believed every excuse he made when he quit working somewhere. I believed I could never do it, and I hated how my parents acted like I could. After all, I was ""just like my dad"", as my mom would say.I barely passed high school. I think all throughout high school, I never studied once, except maybe some French vocabulary once in awhile. I never studied after high school, either. I hated how my family treated me like some genius because I wrote bad poetry in middle school; they never knew what my actual grades were like. I thought I was going to kill myself by age 18 anyway, so high school did not matter. All I cared about in high school was friends, which I did not really have. I had two friends from middle school that went to other high schools, and I was not allowed to see them for the most part. I saw them a handful of times throughout high school, after months or years of begging. My parents never let me leave the house, not even for walks. Why? For my ""safety"", which they never actually cared about. The real reason was because only ""bad girls"" did that, according to my mom. ""Bad girls"" are her word for ""whores"". She would call little girls playing in their front yards ""bad girls"", and teenage girls out walking together ""bad girls"". I was so desperate to be away from my parents, that I would go on walks alone near my school just to not go home. There was nothing much to see, and no one to spend time with; I just could not stand my life of school and home, school and home. School where I would be alone at lunch, and home where I would be alone and have to listen to my parents screaming fits.I never thought my family of aunts and uncles and cousins loved each other; I thought it was all just a fake performance, because that is how my mom would treat it. I would finally allow myself to relax around my family, and then I would notice my mom glowering at me with complete and utter hate, whispering hateful words toward me. After the family gathering, she would tell me what terrible crimes I committed on the way home: not making enough eye contact, not saying hello properly, acting like a ""freak"". She was just trying to help me, of course. I just did not realize how much I was embarrassing myself, after all.I also needed to realize how much I was embarrassing myself by thinking people actually wanted to spend time with me, too. One time I lied about getting tutoring so I could spend an hour after school with an acquaintance. My parents cut my time with her short by lying about calling the police. Around the time, my mom asked me I really thought people wanted to be around me, and told me I am embarrassing myself ""going after people"". She did the same thing when, after several years of begging, she let me visit my friend at age 17 whom I had known since middle school and who lived only a few minutes drive away, for an hour. It felt so good, I did not want to leave. I ignored my mom's texts for maybe 20 minutes, and again, she lied about having called the police and telling them that my friend was a rape victim. She spat in my face and locked me out of the house at night... why? Because I worried her so much, and I ""did not even look like I was sorry"".I attempted suicide when I was 17. In the psychiatric hospital, my mom humiliated me by openly wondering if maybe I did it because of my acne. But still, I was not as hopelessly sad as I am now. Maybe I would have been able to be a normal person, if it were not for what happened when I was 18. I was raped by an almost-stranger who worked at my community college, and made the mistake of telling one of my cousins. She had felt guilty for excluding me from her friendship circle with my other cousins, and had told me that she would be there for me after she learned about the attempted suicide when I was 17. So I told her, and she told her dad and then ignored me. Her dad told my other uncle, and then they told my parents. My family is religious, and they blamed me, except for my dad. That was the worst time of my life. I was forced to tell the police, who asked me questions about if I was a virgin before and how many times did I have sex. I received letters from the community college saying it was likely consensual, and the guy never lost his job. I checked his Facebook a couple months ago, and he is doing just great. My mom severely emotionally abused me for the incident ever since. My dad, who my uncles call the best father because whereas they would have disowned me, he did not... forced me to go to that same community college everyday until the end of the semester. Because he cared about my future, of course. And I guess my safety too. I have this distinct memory of me being desperate to leave my front door, just for a walk on a sunny day. He physically held me back, saying ""it is not safe"". But I guess I was safe going there everyday, and I could definitely do well too, right? No. I muddled along for the next two years, not doing anything of substance, and then my dad commit suicide.I think I got over the bereavement stage of my dad's suicide very quickly. He was very loving, but that is not good enough for me. I was always, always uncomfortable around him. He was severely mentally ill, and I took the brunt of it. ""The best dad"" would not have strangled me for not drinking enough water for his liking. He felt love for me, sure, and I knew that, but he was never able to express it properly. That will never be good enough for me. My mom then spent several months blaming me for it, saying that my dad did it because he ""knew"" my rape was actually consensual, etc.At the age of 21, I finally transferred from community college to university, despite only having done 58 of the required 60 units, not even enough to apply for an associate's degree. I thought maybe my life could finally improve... but it did not. I am still the same directionless, lazy piece of shit. I flunked all of my classes, and now I am taking a semester off, but I will probably disenroll from university entirely. My bank account will likely be closed in two days, because I have had a negative balance for two months. Instead of getting a job, I ignored the issue, expecting my mom to pick up the pieces. But I am 22 and she is tired of having to take care of me. I do not even resent her for it, her being emotionally abusive is not an excuse for me to be a parasite. Other people are motivated by emotional abuse to escape their situation, for me all I do is sit and cry about it.So much other shit happened to me, it would just be too long to write it all... I only wrote what I did to explain most of the reasons why I am depressed, but now, my whole debt issue and failure at everything is my main issue. I am afraid. I had an interview today, but I rescheduled it, because I am afraid. I never grew up and I do not want to, I just want to disappear. I have been waiting for someone to save me I guess, someone to take care of me like I feel I need to be taken care of, but I will not even be taken care of financially anymore. I am 22, in debt, have never worked a real job, do not have a driver's license, and am a soon to be college dropout",Depression +23367,"Throwaway, my wife knows my main. I went to a lawyer last week to get an idea of what divorce is going to look like for me and my kids. She cheated, I tried to move past it but I can not. There are 5 judges in my county, 4 of them are old. Like 70s and 80s, their default is primary custody to the mother. Only one judge, in her 50s, default on 50-50. That and I will have to pay support, more support until my stepdaughter is 18 and out of high school, even though she gets CS from the father. I work at a family business, my dad is retiring and for 14 years I was planning on taking over. When I learned of her infidelity I told my dad I do not want the business because I can not handle that level of stress. I learned I can not function with a high stress life. Everyone has stress, but other people's livelihoods in my hands, I could not handle it. I am stuck in a marriage I want out of but cannot afford to end, and I am facing unemployment in the next few months, and I have never put together a resume or had a fucking job interview in my life. The only thing I can hold onto is I cannot do that to my children. I can not scar them for their lives. I need help but cannot afford it. I need to go get checked in somewhere, but I can not afford to miss work. Getting to be too much",Suicidal +23368,I have attempted three times and two of the three have caused me to wake up in the hospital or get transported to the hospital I have been going to therapy lately for the past few months and everything has gotten better but I have not felt whole since my ex girlfriend made me promise that if I hurt her I had to kill myself and I have thought of doing it multiple times then someone else came into my life and helped ease the pain last night she left me saying I was to nice I did everything she wanted I loved her as much as I could worked two jobs to take her out when she wanted I do not think I can take this anymore I am 19 and want to end everything,Suicidal +23369,I FUCKING HATE THATBI WAS MOLESTED I FUCKING HATE THAT IT IS STILL GOING TO AFFECT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WAS ONLY STAYING ALIVE SO I COULD PISS ON THAT ASSHOLES GRAVE AND HES FUCKING TAKING TOO LONG TO DIE FUCK THIS SHIT I am ALWAYS GOING TO BE BROKEN I cannot BE FIXED AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME I cannot FUCKING HAVE ANYONE LOVE ME WHEN I am FUCKING BROKEN I do not KNOW A SINGLE REASON NOT TO FUCKING SLIT MY WRISTS THIS WEEK AND HOPE TO FUCKING BLEED OUT. I have TRIED FOR YEARS TO BE FIXED AND there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX MYSELF. HE RUINED ME AND NOW I cannot EVEN HAVE FRIENDS BECAUSE I FUCK EVERYTHING UP WITH HOW WARPED MY PERSONALITY IS FROM IT. I am DONE. why should i keep living when I am never going to be fixed?,Suicidal +23370,"I seriously feel nothing. I have never felt sad for any deaths I have witnessed or any family deaths. All I feel is loneliness and obsolescence. I constantly have suicidal thoughts but I also feel too weak to carry any of them out. I do not feel unhappy, I just feel kind of hollow. Not feeling anything.",Suicidal +23371,"Ill just start off by saying i hate what i am. There is almost nothing about me that i like. Started balding at 15, now completely bald at 18, Crooked teeth, Gaining weight, terrible sleep schedule (5am to 4pm), zero social skills, no friends, social anxiety, no real talents, below average looks/personality, and more. I literally have no life outside of doing doordash for side money and watching youtube. There is just nothing about me that i see as worthy.How do i get out of this? I have asked people for advice around me, but they have all essentially said deal with it. I am all alone. I am so tired of being alone. All i want is to love myself, be approachable, have people that somewhat care about me, and have people to care about. But when literally everything in my life is shit, i do not know where to start. If i continue like this, i will end up a worthless hermit my whole life. Anybody here have any advice? Thank you, feel free to ask any questions How do i love myself?",Depression +23372,i deserve it i like being insulted at this point,Suicidal +23373,dosent matter if its in fucking public or in online everyone has some problem with me. like random people making fun of me and harassing me on the street. or girl looking me at disguessed when i walk by everyone has some fucking problem with me existing. even on reddit no one gives a fuck about my posts i know I am a fucking attention whore but even when i really need help i fucking hate everyone and myself fuck everyone ether hates me dosent care or just dosent like me,Suicidal +23374,"I am a piece of shit, do not give me the no you are not bullshit because you do not know me, and I hurt someone I love. I said things I should not have said and brought our whole life crumbling down. It is only by the grace of God that I was able to keep from losing her altogether, but I am afraid we will never be the same. Our love was so true and so pure, but now I am left a hollow she will knowing that I hurt her. I can never forgive myself for this and I do not know if she will either, but all I know for sure is I have fucked up the most precious thing I have ever had. The only thing that could drag me from this pit is her and now I am left here drowning in sorrow just knowing she is in pain because of me. I fucked up",Depression +23375,So. Tomorrow is my 21st birthday. I just feel miserable. I have not had anything but school and a job interview planned. . I was diagnosed with BPD recently and have had depression since I was about 11. Its always been untreated because nobodys ever really bothered to look into it. Myself included. I just feel like I do not matter to anybody. People say I matter but nobody shows it. I have always been a firm believer that actions are better than words and I make that known in my personal relationships. I am just so tired. I am always tired. I feel ready to just leave. I have a daughter and I do not want her to ever have to see me like this. I do not want her to think I am an example of what somebody should be. I cannot help myself and it feels like nobody else can either. I have been in therapy for about 3 months now and it has not helped. I struggle with depersonalization and derealization and a lot of the time things never seem real. I get fits of extreme paranoia that will once every four months keep me up late at night. I feel stuck. I feel like if I did it Id be doing more good? I have no friends I can talk to about this. I just figured I could have an outlet I guess. It feels like the end.,Suicidal +23376,"I am currently in a rabbit hole of ADHD youtube videos after talking to my girlfriend and her neighbours about it earlier, so naturally, got recommended the videos. Everything relates to me on a personal level that I have listened to so far. Trying lots of different meds and them not working or potentially making you feel worse, could be symptom of ADHD.Constantly daydreaming and only feeling normal when you can find something to hyper focus on, then getting depressed when you get distracted. Procrastinating everything, from brushing your teeth or going to the shop. Doing normal things, like shopping, going for a walk, talking and doing it all as fast as possible.And so so so much more. Yes, I have depression for countless of reasons from my childhood, through school, late teens, early 20s etc etc but the depression is not the only thing that bothers me. I hate talking to people, I struggle to listen, I struggle to get my thoughts out, I struggle to understand that millions of thoughts going through my head every second, I struggle to communicate at any capacity and just many more things.I am going to the doctors as soon as I possibly can and I am going to discuss getting tested for ADHD and other things. I am tired of wallowing in self pity, people not taking me seriously, tired of not knowing what is wrong with me, tired of being mistreated because no one knows what is wrong with me.ADHD is not what most people think it is, the highly active, disruptive troublesome kid. Yes that kid may have ADHD, but there is so many different forms of it. A quote from a doctor is, ""if you have seen 1 kid with ADHD, you have only seen 1 kid with ADHD"". I am not self diagnosing by any means, I am just saying ADHD makes sense to me, and I am going to go out and see what I have. I know it is hard to get the motivation to do things, but do some self research on different forms of Depression, Anxiety, ADHD and many other things, and find something that relates to you, then badger you are doctor or health professional or whatever about what you think and get tested for it. Alot of us have probably been mis diagnosed with a form of depression, anxiety or not been diagnosed at all and we feel like lost causes. I just know there is something wrong with me and I am fed up enough to force myself to go out and pester people to test me, so they can figure it out. It might not be fixable, or manageable, but it may help people deal with me better, and that is better than feeling alone in a room full of people.Sorry about the wall of text. Just wanted to share my thoughts and probably failing to make sense, but I have tried. let us try and help ourselves to at least know what is wrong, then work on it from there. We might all feel alone, but we are not alone. Some people just hide it better or have found a way to deal with it ADHD",Depression +23377,Not sure how to describe it but lately I have started to feel comfortable with my depression/sadness outbreaks. While yes I still feel bad generally I have lately been feeling like it is ok to feel down. Is that normal? it is kind of a odd think to rationalize atleast to me anyway Starting to feel comfortable with my depression,Depression +23378,there are things in my life and problems i literally cannot avoid and things going on in my head that the only way to make them stop is to kill myself but i do not feel valid. like if i were to kill myself people would not get it or would say i made a mistake and that i was fine but i do not want to do this anymore. i do not want to keep pushing. i do not know how much longer i can and all i want is for everything to just stop and the only way for that to happen is death. I am convinced suicide is the only way to escape,Suicidal +23379,"i feel like being male just made life 10 times harder for me. i have less friends now and i get bullied and misgendered. no matter how much effort i put into trying to pass I am constantly called mam, she miss, her etc. i was so pretty as a female. i had bright blue eyes and thick hair and an amazing body. now i look greasy snd my hips stick out and they look too feminine for someome trying to look male. I cannot even pull anyone. boys or girls. especially when i like cis guys more. i sometimes get the urge to just throw everything i had away, style my hair kind of girlie, and put on modern clothes girls wear today and try to get male attention, because i genuinely feel so lonely and touched starved that as long as someone finds me attractive, i am completely okay. I know that i was meant to be a male, I have socially transitioned for the most part that i cannot just go back i know i truly should not go back becayse id be living that lie again, but i also feel like i should have stayed a girl. I want to run away to where no one knows me and just do that. but I am still under 18. its so unfair. i never asked for this. i could have stayed normal. but if i transition fully I am stuck never feeling enough like a male, and if i detransition, i know what really is happening inside. i have not had a breakdown this bad over it. ill typically ruminate about it rarely but this is really bad. I am so jealous of both my cis female and male friends, becayse i feel like I have been robbed from living a life like either of them. i honestly want to kill myself but i know i cannot do that either. i wish. i was not me. id switch bodies with anyone right at this moment. i do not want to be trans anymore",Suicidal +23380,"Hello,I have depression, apathy, ocd, neurosis since 10 years now. Every seconds is a nighmare.Why do I write that here ? I am just bored and words will not make me feel better, I actually do not know anymore what happiness or joy mean, I cannot even simulate it with scenarios in my head, it is completely forgotten.I decided to go in the mountains this summer to do some hiking, but in the mean time I am telling myself it could be a good place to leave this world, a big scary jump and it is all done. My brain gave me hope yesterday by giving the first dream in years (I only have nightmares). In this dream, a girl was in love with me, but this never happened irl. It was good, but this dream is also evil because it brings hope, hope is not good, it makes you wait again and again for things to get better they never do. I knew only hate, pure hate from others all my life, that is why I am so nice to people : I am fucking terrified by them, so I am soft, I am nice, I act social while I want that bullet in my head at least once a day.But yeah, mountains could be a good way to go, it is beautiful and I will be eaten by wild animals.I feel pleasure when I say to myself ""I can quit whenever I want"", it is so relaxing. I would love to experience a love story, but I am so innocent and so romantic, while people now are just looking for sex, threesome, foursome... I love my innocence, it is part of me, I am pure about love. I would love staring into the eyes of my soulmate, heart beating like hell, breathing fast, and you do not even want or have sexual thoughts, you just want to hug that person, smelling what she smells like, hearing her breathing, her heart beating fast like you. Death could give me that, it hugs you, it gives you the freedom you never had, falling for a cliff, it is like the ground is ready to hug you, it is arriving so fast, we want each other and it will finally give you that warmth, that freedom. In the mountains ?",Suicidal +23381,"its almost embarrassing to say but I really attempted to end my life after posting to reddit over a series of time in a week a little over a month ago. I have no friends i trust enough to talk to about my depression and that behavior so i meanits not surprising but damn lol. since I am writing now, obviously it did not work out. Also, I have been seeing my therapist for a officially a month now. I am making progress but its challenging. For anyone who has actually taken time to read this and you are considering, or in the midst of it, I hope the plan fails because you deserve to be here. My biggest piece of advice and what I would tell my self in any moment when I felt as low as I did, is that you need to choose to take control of your life again. I am grateful that I can see a professional, but if you cannot please start a journal and get self help prompts/books. choose yourself finally. nowhere near my ideal self but I made it this far already so I am proud of myself and want to share Please read",Depression +23382,Life is not worth it anymore. No one would really care if I died. My parents would be sad for a while. But soon they would realize that I was only making their lives worse. People in my life should be thankful when I kill myself. They should be thankful that I decided to make their lives better by giving up my own. I do not have any friends who will care. I am done living for others. If my life is not worth living I cannot hold myself back because of them. People in my life would not be sad that I died. They would be sad that anyone died. Does that make sense? They would not care that I am gone they would just be shocked that anyone died. Not because of anything I did. My life adds nothing to the lives if the people around me. And it never will. it is not worth it for me.,Depression +23383,"I cannot handle this shit anymore, I just want all the pain and suffering to go away, fuck this life, fuck my asshole parents for giving me a life I never wanted in the first place, fuck all the transphobic assholes in this world who want to hate me for something that is out of my control, and fuck love, it is a load of bullshit. Thinking of slitting my wrists and/or my throat tonight",Suicidal +23384,"Just wanted to share this resource I saw recommended today on Reddit and its funny I feel like it could changed my life idk.. well see but I wanted to recommend. Basically the theory is humans really need meaning and purpose. And I do feel that my depression always comes at a time where I lose that. Even if I technically have a purpose, I do not feel it anymore.Well trying to stoke that feeling of purpose I think will be a life goal now bc I do think it could be a key to being less depressed. Finding meaning is so important.",Depression +23385,"Hello is there anybody who is interested with blogging. I am looking for someone who wants to manage a blog with me. I know its a joke for you, but i really take it seriously. Question",Suicidal +23386,"(because I love ambien), how can I not be depressed? Duh! Thinking logically....when my greatest pleasure is falling asleep..",Depression +23387,"So as it says in the title. I want to kill myself. I love her so much that I would feel awful taking myself away from her. So I want to break up with her to feel less guilty. I am doing therapy right now and it helps for that day, but when I do not have it I just want to cry all day. She knows this. She knows that I still love her and knows that when I tell her I want to break up it is to only kill myself, that is why she does not let me. I do not l know what to do. I (M18) want to kms but I have a gf (F20) and I would feel guilty",Suicidal +23388,"i just found out that my younger brother is self harming. it hurts my heart so badly, I am so angry at the world right now. for him to know that type of pain...it is indescribable. i know how it feels, and I have prayed constantly that he never, ever would. and it is just the cherry on top of everything else going on in my life. as selfish as that may sound. i cannot do this. my faith kept me going, and with this, I am doubting everything I have ever believed. and i fucking lied to him, too, about whether or not i self harm. how fucking horrible am i??? (i apologize if the upcoming is a whirlwind of emotions. this is the closest i think I have ever been.)there are two big bottles of painkillers in this house. i have nothing stopping me from doing this. i want to, i have no desire to live anymore. the world is a fucking horrible place, and i just cannot take it anymore. if i go, tonight, i just want to tell you all to stay strong. if anyone even sees this. i cannot, anymore, but you can. and i love you. and i care about you. and i truly hope you find a place for yourself in the world that is perfect for you, and beautiful, and makes you feel comfortable to burn as brightly as you would like. i honestly think i might overdose tonight. seriously.",Suicidal +23389,"I have a couple of friends whose intelligence, ability, psychic faculties I am in awe of. it is become quite clear to me through observing myself that things that they get, I get something like 5 years later. What the hell? What is this? I am 5 years behind in development",Depression +23390,"I have nothing,; no job, own place, collage degree, girlfriend, friends, hobbies, or will to do anything. Why I keep living is a puzzle for me I am in my late 20s my whole life has been pretty miserable and it is only getting worse and worse. I have become insane why would I choose to root like this instead of just die? I mean I am going to die eventually so why passively wait while being this miserable person? I honestly admire people who have the guts to end their suffering, I do not want to live yet I am too much of a pussy to kill myself. I have literally seen no lamest person than me",Suicidal +23391,"hey i do not think anyone cares but i have no one to talk to about it. In my young life I have already reached the point where I would rather be dead than continue my life. I do not want to talk about it personally, but I do not want to keep it to myself either. it is 4:30 in the night and I am lying here and do not know what to do. Maybe anybody can help?!",Suicidal +23392,"I am just so tired of it. Everything I loved and knew is gone and I cannot handle it. I am stuck somewhere I absolutely hate right now. I just want to disappear, but in the words of my ex husband, I do not have the balls to Kill myself.I have an eating disorder and just want to starve myself until it eventually kills me.I just wish I could leave and disappear and I do not know. I am tempted to just take off in my car and never come back. I just want to starve myself to death",Suicidal +23393,Hey today is really rough for me I am honestly surprise i got out of bed I am looking for help pr maybe just a friend to talk to i find it hard to survive everyday I have been having really bad suicidal thoughts i find it hard to happy over things i use to get soo happy over now just seems rather pointless sometimes stupid and i need self healing or sum i try meditate but everytime i try it just feels like a chore I have been so close to the edge lately i personally do not think anyone cares if I would jump and everytime i put one foot out i bring it back in and walk away I am at a all time low mentally even tho I have been through way worse i was homeless once upon i time and i seemed happier then when i had nothing vs now when i have a girl family around food in my belly and on the table a roof over my head a home a few dogs and all so why am i soooo fucking sad why am i not happy and ya know i think there is no reason maybe its just my mental but I am not a doc or nothing so i cannot really say i think the main thing is. I do not have people to understand me other than my girl and i do have family but trust me they do not understand anything about mental illness trust me i tried so idk what to do or who to go to or who to pray to I am neutral so ya know and sorry for everyone who is in this group because i know its long post and prolly rather boring and waste of time Depression sucks,Depression +23394,"I am in college and for once I am happy with my classes (I am at home doing online classes) and looking forward to going back on campus. I am learning to drive and finally getting a car soon. Things are kind of going well overall and I want to live to experience it but I want to die so fucking badly. I cannot cope at all. I do not want to take my meds because they do not work anyway, nothing ever works because I have treatment resistant depression. All therapists suck except for one who I cannot even see anymore. My only close-ish friend is a complete bitch so I have no one to talk to. I think I might jump before the year ends, I think I am meant to die early I want to die but I want to live so badly",Depression +23395,Anyone have success mixing muriatic acid and lime sulphur liquid? These are the only two components I can get my hands on easily. H2O gas,Suicidal +23396,"In the course of this summer I have been a burgeoning drunk, began to self harm again, been in patient and out patient at a mental institution, been put on antidepressants, had at least one panic attack a week, and have had my PTSD ravage me almost everytime I fall asleep. All of this before my 18th birthday! Yay...See, I know I am not going to be able to handle college especially with a randomly assigned room mate and being in a different state from my only family and support system. The problem is I honestly think this is my only chance to go to college relatively debt free. My entire 4 year tuition is paid for by the school and I have enough scholarships and money to be pretty comfortable but if I deny the college all that goes away(except for the personal money I guess) and I am not sure I can get it back again.I just do not know what to do and everyday I am starting to think that killing myself would be easier for everyone. My family and me included. I mean I either go to school and kill myself(which is pretty cheap considering I want to be cremated) or I stay home and be a burden on my family for 1yr+ and I mean a serious burden. My mother already cleaned out her savings account to pay for my hospitalization and that was not even enough to pay all of it. My sister and I have already been taking out hundreds for all of the bills my mother cannot pay right now. I am spiraling and without alcohol I seriously doubt I am going to be alive this August much less go to college.Any advice or comfort or...idk anything?(I am so sorry this is so long...) I have freshman year of college in August...",Depression +23397,"No Matter how worthless and useless we feel,we always serve a purpose even if it is not the one we are searching for. I am 19 I am going through a phase where I do not know what to do with my life, I have not aged yet I have been through things and I have made mistakes, some I have learned from it, some I might repeat it. I am dealing with existential crisis as much as many do, some feels the whole point of existing is worthless and means nothing to the point they become nihilist it might affect them negatively and lead them to depression, or positively to optimism nihilism. I am writing this because I am getting anxious everytime I overthink things about life and existentialism. Though I have not experienced life yet since I am a teen maybe there is going to be times where it will change my mind and makes me happy, whoever this is not the point of the post I am was just introducing myself, I have been thinking about the functioning of our society and how we built our civilization, and I have come to the conclusion no matter how much we fool ourselves that we live for a reason and that we exist for a purpose but really we are nothing but like an ant colony (sorry I am not dehumanising anyone) by this analogy, I mean that we are like ants who are just working to serve our queen (which is our survival instincts)even if you are not happy with your Job or your life, you will be left with no choice but to work so our civilization can evolve and be built or you would end up in a psychiatric ward treated as a lab rat (again I am not trying to dehumanise) so psychopathology can evolve too, anyways I lack huge experience and lots of knowledge as I mentioned I am only 19 . I hope to whoever is reading this understand my point. I do not know whether I am insane or delusional due to this post or anything but it felt philosophical and depressive anyways I'mma go sleep have a goodnight or a good morning. No Matter how worthless and useless we feel,we always serve a purpose even if it is not the one we are searching for",Depression +23398,I love her so much and she is the only living thing that I feel like loves me back. if she were not around I would have killed myself long ago. this is a love letter to my cat. I love her. that is all. the only living thing I care about is my cat,Suicidal +23399,"Getting into a really good college was always really important to me. My social anxiety has pretty much ruined my chances. It would be different if I had al the qualifications and did not get in but everything I did not do that make my application subpar are directly relegated to my social anxiety and sometime it makes me want to just give up and not live anymore because I did not live up to my own expectations because of something that feels so fucking stupid. Like its cared of people?? Their just fucking people but my brain could never understand that and now my dream feel so far away and spare me the you do not have to go to a good college for good opportunities bullshit. At the end of the day, for a mental ill neurodivergent black women life I fucking hard and all I wanted was to meet my own expectations I really hate my life rn",Suicidal +23400,I think I have depression and anxiety I do not have a doctor and cannot do nothing about it but I am constantly worrying about everything and I have became very sensitive the last year or two. I have days where I feel like I am going to cry for no reason and I can spend whole day crying and does not change nothing. Here lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed with everything in my life and I do not know what to do I have asked people around me for help but I never get it and I am not sure what to do. Here recently I have started to feel lonely I am married and have a amazing little girl but I cannot shake this alone feeling i do not understand it. I want to talk to my husband about it but I do not want to bother him either or make him think its him. I do not know what to do. I need help,Depression +23401,I am not physically ill. I do not have a terminal illness so to speak. What I do have is an occasional desire to die. I have attempted it many times. Failed. And I have recently become much much happier. It did get better. It did. But I still have my low points. I am still struggling. And that is why I say I am dying. I am worried one day this struggle will get the best of me. And take me. In my mind I have levels. I have ocd so I have to organize even my thoughts. This is my system 1.winning2.losing3.failing4.failedMost days I win and if I do make it to 2 I always pull myself up. I have not reached 3 in years. Today I am there. I am there and i do not want to be. I do not like feeling like this. I do not know if I should even share this. I am a very reserved person. I do my best to never show emotion. But I do not really care anymore. I know it can get better. And I know that it will. I just need to find the strength to keep trying. I am dying,Suicidal +23402,"When people around me are feeling down, I always seem to know what to say to make them feel better. I feel great about that. But I cannot ever figure out what I need for myself. Even in moments when I am supposed to be happy, I am not. I depend on others. And I have become a burden. I do not hate myself for much except for that. I am well aware of what is good about me, but I cannot ever be comfortable in my own presence. When people I love do not talk to me for a while, I just start spiraling into hopelessness and it fucking hurts. Many people around me try to help me but they just..cannot. I see myself as this being only capable of loving others and not myself",Depression +23403,Idk what I am hoping to achieve by writing this Everything in my life is going downhill and I cannot seem to do anything right m. I have no motivation or drive to do anything and it feels like all I do is work and come home and I am not satisfied with anything in my life currently. I feel like the things I only want in life is to genuinely feel wanted and cared for by everyone else not just their fucking errand boy. If only I knew what being dead was like I would probably pull this trigger without a second thought. Why am I even writing this here? it is not going to make a difference. I wish I was not so selfless I am lost with only one way out and I am holding it too my temple,Depression +23404,And do it sooner rather than later Hmmm maybe I should do it,Depression +23405,"Hi,I am a 28 year old (she will of a) man from the UK suffering with **severe** depression and most likely an undiagnosed mental illness!I entered such a dark corner of my mind that I tried to take my own life in 2016 and I lost my bottle at the very last moment, now I am what I call, stuck alive.I saw the potential effects that my suicide would have had, everyone told me how upset they were and how distraught they would be if i died.I also remember being distraught, distraught that I had lost my bottle and been saved, distraught that I had woken up in the nightmare I tried to escape from.Ever since that day, I have been stuck alive, too depressed and suicidal to achieve anything, believe anything, want anything, feel anything... Angry at myself and everyone else that I am not dead and do not have the bottle to end it, my step brother died a couple of years ago from an accidental recreational drug overdose and I wished it was me, he was only 18! Why is the world so cruel?This of course highlighted again how devastating a death in the family would be.Each day that passes I slip deeper and deeper into despair, I know this is happening I just cannot stop it, meanwhile my partner of 13 years has become a full-time alcoholic that blames me for every problem she has within herself, I am open-minded, but something tells me if she left me she would quickly discover these kind of problems are rampant within people our age.I am struggling to see the point anymore, pre-pandemic I was doing my dream job, still wanted to kill myself but found myself being too busy to even think about it that much... It was more of an inconvenient intrusive thought at that stage.We scraped our way through doing any work that was available, being mistreated at each company of course, I fear the mental scars that my partner and I now both have on top of our pre-existing issues is just too much to return to normality.She is pressuring me to have a child, people our age tend to feel like we are failing due to seeing previous generations achieve things that are 10x harder for us to facilitate, like providing security and stability for a child!I am receiving professional help, albeit very slowly via the NHS but the poor buggers are overrun as usual and things do not move quickly at all, I am wondering if other people can relate to this permanent lust for what is quite simply a smidge of happiness, I have never felt joy or pride or love and that is all I have ever wanted, I do not need money I just want fulfillment, I just want to wake up in the morning with no immediate desire to die!Let me know if you relate, I seem to feel better hearing other people relate to me otherwise I convince myself I am the problem! Maybe I am??? Am I Dead?",Depression +23406,"anyone else who is attempted sewerslide feel such guilt for putting your loved ones through that? it weights heavily on my shoulders daily, its a weight that makes my depression worse; a vicious cycle. guilt after attempts",Depression +23407,"the strength it takes to fight your suicidal urges is beyond any physical strength. you are fighting them everyday, and for that I am proud. I am glad you are still here, despite your thoughts or attempts, your plans or urges; you are here right now. you are safe, keep yourself safe. there is this big beautiful world, with mountains and oceans and animals of every kind, and the world wanted one of you too. it needed one of you too. you are here for a reason, despite what your thoughts say.some hope (my story) tw attempts last year i attempted suicide two times. i hid the first attempt for months, i was not sick enough. i was not fucking sick enough after i tried to kill myself, i still was not bad enough for my own standard. please, if you are struggling at all with suicidal thoughts/tendencies reach out, you are sick enough. you deserve the same help i got, and am getting. after my second attempt, i landed in the hospital on IV for a few days, then a psych ward. since I have been to a rehab, and another hospital then psych ward. but i have to tell you it gets better, i was in the deep throws of my depression and I am finally healing. i have many mental illnesses, but I am healing; and you can too. you can heal, you can get out of this dark time. please, stay safe I am proud of you.",Suicidal +23408,"so much agony. glad this is over. so god damn tired. finally I will be free to my parents: fuck you, you are welcome. to my love: i hope you have a great life. loaded gun in my hand",Suicidal +23409,"never thought Id be here, but I need somewhere to vent as I hate to burden anyone by listening to my problems. I have not felt genuinely normal or happy for a long time and the desire to not exist has strongly been in my mind recently, but I do not want to die because that would hurt the people around me. I just wish there was a button to erase my existence from this world without causing pain or even giving my life to someone who wants to keep living or deserves to live. I wish there was a way to disappear without hurting anyone..",Depression +23410,"I am not sure what I am looking for... maybe a way to not feel this way? My brother killed himself 24 days ago. We buried him 6 days ago. He was only 20 years old. My wedding is in 6 days. I do not feel any joy for my wedding. All I can think about is him not being there. I feel terrible for my fianc because I do not want him to think I am not happy to be marrying him. I love him. Hes trying his best and has been so supportive and understanding... I am just so devastated. that is all I have room for. This is supposed to be one of the happiest days and yet I know my family, especially my mom, is not going to be able to be mentally present. And I understand and its fine... but this past week trying to get everything done has been so tough because I do not have my mom to help me (She can barely leave the house) and all I want to do is lay in bed all day. My friends really have not been there for me and made this time more stressful so I do not want to talk to them- let alone lean on them during this time. My aunts and best friends even pushed me to have a bachelorette so I threw myself one since my maid of honor dropped the ball. But then of course none of them can make it??I do not like going over to my parents because I feel like I have to support them when I am there. This is just not how I wanted my wedding to be. I am supposed to be joyous. And I am just not. I am already on antidepressants and I am supposed to start counseling after I get back from our honeymoon. (tw) My brother committed suicide",Depression +23411,"Hi,I am a 28 year old (she will of a) man from the UK suffering with **severe** depression and most likely an undiagnosed mental illness!I entered such a dark corner of my mind that I tried to take my own life in 2016 and I lost my bottle at the very last moment, now I am what I call, stuck alive.I saw the potential effects that my suicide would have had, everyone told me how upset they were and how distraught they would be if i died.I also remember being distraught, distraught that I had lost my bottle and been saved, distraught that I had woken up in the nightmare I tried to escape from.Ever since that day, I have been stuck alive, too depressed and suicidal to achieve anything, believe anything, want anything, feel anything... Angry at myself and everyone else that I am not dead and do not have the bottle to end it, my step brother died a couple of years ago from an accidental recreational drug overdose and I wished it was me, he was only 18! Why is the world so cruel?This of course highlighted again how devastating a death in the family would be.Each day that passes I slip deeper and deeper into despair, I know this is happening I just cannot stop it, meanwhile my partner of 13 years has become a full-time alcoholic that blames me for every problem she has within herself, I am open-minded, but something tells me if she left me she would quickly discover these kind of problems are rampant within people our age.I am struggling to see the point anymore, pre-pandemic I was doing my dream job, still wanted to kill myself but found myself being too busy to even think about it that much... It was more of an inconvenient intrusive thought at that stage.We scraped our way through doing any work that was available, being mistreated at each company of course, I fear the mental scars that my partner and I now both have on top of our pre-existing issues is just too much to return to normality.She is pressuring me to have a child, people our age tend to feel like we are failing due to seeing previous generations achieve things that are 10x harder for us to facilitate, like providing security and stability for a child!I am receiving professional help, albeit very slowly via the NHS but the poor buggers are overrun as usual and things do not move quickly at all, I am wondering if other people can relate to this permanent lust for what is quite simply a smidge of happiness, I have never felt joy or pride or love and that is all I have ever wanted, I do not need money I just want fulfillment, I just want to wake up in the morning with no immediate desire to die!Let me know if you relate, I seem to feel better hearing other people relate to me otherwise I convince myself I am the problem! Maybe I am??? Am I Dead?",Suicidal +23412,I need my prescription filled to be able to function but his office is closed all the time for some reason and he can never get back to the pharmacy quickly enough. Its been days of me trying to reach him and get my prescription filled. I cannot function at this point. I am so pissed at my doctor,Depression +23413,"Hi,I am a 28 year old (she will of a) man from the UK suffering with **severe** depression and most likely an undiagnosed mental illness!I entered such a dark corner of my mind that I tried to take my own life in 2016 and I lost my bottle at the very last moment, now I am what I call, stuck alive.I saw the potential effects that my suicide would have had, everyone told me how upset they were and how distraught they would be if i died.I also remember being distraught, distraught that I had lost my bottle and been saved, distraught that I had woken up in the nightmare I tried to escape from.Ever since that day, I have been stuck alive, too depressed and suicidal to achieve anything, believe anything, want anything, feel anything... Angry at myself and everyone else that I am not dead and do not have the bottle to end it, my step brother died a couple of years ago from an accidental recreational drug overdose and I wished it was me, he was only 18! Why is the world so cruel?This of course highlighted again how devastating a death in the family would be.Each day that passes I slip deeper and deeper into despair, I know this is happening I just cannot stop it, meanwhile my partner of 13 years has become a full-time alcoholic that blames me for every problem she has within herself, I am open-minded, but something tells me if she left me she would quickly discover these kind of problems are rampant within people our age.I am struggling to see the point anymore, pre-pandemic I was doing my dream job, still wanted to kill myself but found myself being too busy to even think about it that much... It was more of an inconvenient intrusive thought at that stage.We scraped our way through doing any work that was available, being mistreated at each company of course, I fear the mental scars that my partner and I now both have on top of our pre-existing issues is just too much to return to normality.She is pressuring me to have a child, people our age tend to feel like we are failing due to seeing previous generations achieve things that are 10x harder for us to facilitate, like providing security and stability for a child!I am receiving professional help, albeit very slowly via the NHS but the poor buggers are overrun as usual and things do not move quickly at all, I am wondering if other people can relate to this permanent lust for what is quite simply a smidge of happiness, I have never felt joy or pride or love and that is all I have ever wanted, I do not need money I just want fulfillment, I just want to wake up in the morning with no immediate desire to die!Let me know if you relate, I seem to feel better hearing other people relate to me otherwise I convince myself I am the problem! Maybe I am??? I Am Dead",Suicidal +23414,There is not anything worth doing but I do not want to waste my entire life....help How to care about something?,Depression +23415,"I really do not know how to describe it in intelligent ways, but it affects everything I do. It feels like as I have gotten lonelier and lonelier, there is a blanket filter applied to everything I do that takes away it is meaning, and it makes it feel cold and isolating? it is this feeling, especially when I am out in public, or driving around, or at work, that I am just completely out of place, I do not belong here, and that no one around me is a person I can connect with or trust. I feel this feeling constantly, and I want nothing but for it to go away. &#x200B;it is completely draining, it makes me think in stupid ways, and it makes everything in life feel emotionless, or unreal. Sometimes it makes me feel like a passenger in a life I cannot control. I really wish I could describe it better, but I am sure some of you have felt this feeling as well. it is also totally exaggerated by architecture, I feel it the strongest during my commute through the beaten up concrete hell I live around, and the feeling is completely absent whenever I find myself in a place that just... looks cozy, a place with lots of nature and life? I do not know lol. It feels like there is a filter over my life.",Depression +23416,"I have been debating making a post here but today I told myself I need to share in hopes of helping anyone struggling like I have. Quick backstory. Been majorly depressed since I was 16. On and off anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, sleeping pills etc. Had an unsuccessful suicide attempt at 17. Out patient psychiatric care, therapy, social work..it goes on. Mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 16 and shortly after became terminal. She passed when I was 24 but between 16-24 was a roller coaster of hell. Pretty much decided I would die when she died. That did not happen. I was faced with the reality of life and realized I had another chance.Cut to today..I am 29 and I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. I recently got a job at a cafe and have been on Effeczor for a few months. Its really helping. I finally feel some progress and some positivity.I have felt completely hopeless and worthless and cold in my past. So lost, so dark and just did not give a fuck about anything. Loosing my mother and gaining a daughter showed me how precious life is and how easily lost it can be. I know you and I see you. I am you. I am sure if I were in one of my depressive episodes I would read this and say ew. Lol. But please remember you are worth it. You have a purpose. You are loved. If by no one then I love you and please do not give up.I promise there is a way out for you and do not stop fighting for yourself.Reach out and get well.Thanks for letting me share. Hello friends! Small success story I am hoping will reach some of you.",Depression +23417,"Just wondering if anyone has experience with a liquid formulation of Wellbutrin, and where to find it/how to request it. My doctor did not seem to know, so I thought I would ask Reddit and either go back to her with more questions or shop around for a new doc.It works really well for me, and I wish I could take it consistently but well...I absolutely *despise* swallowing pills. I know all of the pill swallowing tips and tricks and have tried them all so I am not looking for that. The bottle method works best for me, but it is still a huge hassle and at some point I just keep getting frustrated and give up because it can take me up to five minutes of psyching myself up and suffering to choke the pills down :/ it is 100% mental, I am aware, like the 150mg tablet is not even that big. I was prescribed 300mg and almost had a heart attack because they looked like horse pills and there was no way in hell that was sliding down my throat.TL;DR is there a liquid version of Wellbutrin/does anyone have experience with it if so/how did you get your hands on it? Thanks everyone! Liquid Wellbutrin/Bupropion",Depression +23418,"After my last post, it really made see, who cares. I do not, life goes on, they do not need me.Goodbye. I have decided it would make no difference if I am alive or not.",Depression +23419,"I feel pathetic and filthy I was 9 days sober. I am drinking again. I am sorry, its just so painful and a torture to stay sober :(",Depression +23420,"I am 25, I have had cancer, am severely depressed now and have an eating disorder. I survived cancer, but now I feel barely alive. I struggle too much every single day to keep going. Everyone looks at me as an inspiration but they have no idea how I feel deep down. I do not think its worth it to keep going and falsely inspire people. Is it worth it?",Depression +23421,"So he broke up with me because I was annoyed that my boyfriends friend did not pay for his himself meaning I had to pay for the both of them Then he said I was being rude and then he got aggressive and more abusive the more I tried to defend myself, he blocked me because he wanted to be left alone and said goodbye have a nice life so I responded with the truth I will not, I am fed up everyday, tired of trying my best and failing i then said no one cares or loves me and I am better off goneSo I got really depressed because I knew it was true and I decided to cut myself and event kill myself, then I get a message saying I am being manipulative Just told I was being manipulative for being suicidal by my now Ex",Depression +23422,"I asked my psychiatrist what normal is like. I have been suffering from endogenous depression since I can remember. This is the kind of depression that responds well with medication. He never answered my question, but from my experience from being chronically depressed to being normal, this is what I can say.- Normal is being able to get up from bed without overthinking the day. it is not feeling like chains weighing you down preventing you to move.- Normal is being to move automatically: make a meal, brush your teeth, take a bath and not needing to will yourself to do these things- Normal is not being hypersensitive to criticisms, every comment, every gesture. Normal is being able to shrug these things of as what other people do without other perceive meaning.- Normal is not having headaches, tense muscles, locked-jaws, palpitations, gastrointestinal problems and stress induced signs and symptoms almost every day. - Normal is not being on the verge of mental breakdown. Normal feels light and having a clear mind to make decisons based on reason and not on emotions.- Normal is being able to sleep at night with ease and depth. Normal is not crying yourself to sleep from the things that could have been or for fear of what could be.- Normal is not thinking about death and dying every waking hour.- Normal does not make you feel like living is suffering. - Normal people do not think existential questions as often as depressed people do. - Normal does not feel like you have a black hole inside your chest that you have to fill with sex, alcohol and other distractions. This is the aim of medication and therapy and it is indeed worth it. I hope you always find the strength to fight depression. The familiar is comforting that is why we tend to relapse but we have to try our best because constant suffering is not the way of life we should get used to. There is more to life than pain and hurt. He who hasa why to livecan bearalmostanyhow- friedrich nietzche What is normal?",Depression +23423,"like I have been on my meds for a couple years now and i do not feel bad but, every so often I get a suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I do feel down for maybe 2-3 days at most a week. So its like what the point of me getting med in first place. I am I do not work because I am A fuck up, I ghost all my friends because I feel like I am dragging them down with my mood or me being any where make that place worse. It sucks that I cannot kill myself! Because I know my family will want to beary me and have some sort of service and they will waste their money on me and I do not want me more of burden more then I am all ready are. There no woods or place that close by enough that hide in so I can rot in peace in because I cannot drive and I know my family will know I am gone to soon and find me before I can find a secluded place and pick me up. An when they do I know they will know what I was going to do and feel bad and I do not want them to feel bad I just want to die.So for the rant I am just so tired of this. Like I do not want to say anymore I think I am just talking to myself because I am scared to do it. God I suck.Like what do I doI'm just so I do not feel down for long periods of time no more but I get suicidal thoughts sometimes",Depression +23424,"Literally nobody likes me anymore, friends, girlfriends, bartenders, Reddit, especially family. I was confused before, now I am sure of anything. If I died tomorrow, literally nobody would ever notice besides work and they would be more pissed about the fact I did not call off before suicide. I do not think anyone can help, but please. I am not sure how long I have left. I have been in a constant state of apathy for over a year. Should I be concerned?",Depression +23425,"I guess I just need to vent. I am a nurse and the pandemic was hard. I lost a lot of patients. I worked so much mandatory OT that it pushed me into another tax bracket and owed taxes. I thought it would get better but it has not. Now that our infection rate is down and our vacation rate is up, work is still unbearable. 6 nurses have quit in the last 6 months. Management did not hire to replace them because our census was down (because our patients died). Now our census has grown rapidly again. We do not have the staff. I go to work and put a smile on my face. I take care of my patients. I smile and make jokes. I am a top notch nurse. I feel fine at work. Then on my day off I hit a wall. I do not want to get out of bed. I do not want to get anything done at home. Then when night falls I get upset and anxious that I have to go to work the next day. I worry about who will call out, I hope no one codes; I want to quit. My family tells me to quit. Find a new job but who will take care of my team and my patients? I loved my job, I loved my patients but I just do not love it right now. I feel sad and disappointed in myself. Struggling with depression in my day off.",Depression +23426,please Someone just fucking kill me,Suicidal +23427,"Ideally I want this kind of life where I am a provider of a Dutch-switzerdeutsch family living in Switzerland, whilst skiiing in Zermatt/Saas-fee/St moritz. I am grieving bc my situation is far from ideal, i ended myStudy bc of depression and I want euthanasia bc of the disastrous negative situation when my parents die. Unfortunately life does not plan out as you want it too, and you cannot just marry your family. It sucks, but sometimes its better to end your life than fight an uphill battle for a bs reason. Ideally I want to marry one of my grandnieces and live or work in Switzerland",Depression +23428,"Everybody hates me. My roommate, who is supposed to be my best friend, hates me. She will not admit it, but she does. We do not do anything fun together. We do not spend any time together. We just coexist or we are fighting. I think she is grown to resent me more and more as time has went on. Its just another failed friendship. Another thing I fucked up. Without her, I do not have any friends. Even my dog likes Erin more. She always wants to spend time with her and not with me. She never wants to be around me. I am a bad trainer and owner. I have no one to talk to. Everyone is tired of listening to me. They get mad or frustrated or depressed or anxious if I talk about how I feel. I have a therapist but I only talk to her for an hour a week and it does not really help anyways. Even my parents do not want to listen anymore. I should just shut up. I should just not exist at all. I do not have any friends or any reason to live. I keep trying but its all useless. I wish I was dead. I wish I never existed. I am tired of feeling so alone and tired and useless and like a failure all the time. I am tired of fighting every day. I am so tired. I am never going to be good enough. I am never going to be loved. I just want it all to stop I do not have anything new or interesting to say",Depression +23429,"Never thought I would have anything to do with depression, anxiety. My life is great, would not have it any other way, except that I am not officially labeled as depression/anxiety.It has been difficult past few months. Extremely difficult and body started to have involuntary reactions like crying, insomnia, indigestion, shaking, heart-racing, etc.Apparently I also have passive suicidal thoughts as well, which I was not aware.Medically/officially being labeled sucks even more and is deflating. Starting med immediately and therapy soon./vent.Thanks for reading. Just got diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety.",Depression +23430,"Like I understand it, but in the back of my mind it is still questionable.. then a couple days would past and I got to re'read what I thought I 'knew' because my memory has gone to shit=:/ I do not retain information like I use too. . I use to have a photographic memory now only photographs brings me memories because I forget about the times that have occurred completely until I see it. . Who have I become.. I do not process things like I use too. .",Depression +23431,I literally have no one except my mother. She of course does not even understand the quarter of the shit I deal with (she is an immigrant after all who was brought up in a different culture) and I just feel so stuck and alone and lonely I cannot anymore Feel like jumping off a bridge but the thought of my mother makes me feel so stuck,Depression +23432,"I never wanted to have to post here again but I need to vent. I am breaking man. we have always figured my GF had mild bipolar disorder because her mom has it. But I never expected her to have a full psychosis breakdown. I do not think she physically cheated but I know she was talking to other guys. She told me she was cheating on me the whole weekend I was staying with her. I get that its mental illness.. but still. Right now I have no info on her. I do not know how she is being treated, I just know from her two friends that she is still very much not there. It was a joint effort with two of her friends to get her committed. But it seems like they have got all the information and are keeping it from me. They told me I would be updated on anything that happens. But I never am. I have to ask every few hours, then I finally get an update. Its like I am going through a break up while still being together with her. Its like I am in limbo, do I still have a girlfriend after this? Does she still love me? Is she going to be normal again? I know with treatment bipolar people can lead Normal lives, but my anxiety will not stop. I cannot stop thinking about if she is being mistreated. She is trans and were in the Deep South. My mind will not stop. I have nobody to vent to. I do not like being a burden. GF had to be hospitalized for bipolar episode. I am breaking.",Depression +23433,its been months since I have felt this suicidal i was finally crawling out of depression till today hit I have been crying for 3 hours and all my parents have been yelling at me to shut up i just want someone to understand me and not tell me i need to be put in a mental hospital please help me I am only 16i do not want to feel like this anymore i have 20 pills in my hand please help me,Suicidal +23434,"I am literally the worse person to exist and it sucks. I have all the traits people do not want. I have bad acne,I am overweight,i have stained yellow teeth, i have the worse grades ever I am literally failing everything,I am literally bad at everything i do, i even failed a few attempts and no one knows so i just went to school normally the next day. And all my friends just tell me that its fine because I am funny. Istg I am so fucking annoyed because they are literally the opposite of me and are literally destined to succeed while I am here praying every night i die in my sleep. I have no safety net and i literally dk what to do with myself.Okay rant over lol Pain",Depression +23435,Just knowing that this nightmare will end someday and I will be out of this stupid body that I hate gives me a euphoric feeling I just hope it is soon because the wait is killing me. Knowing that life is temporary is the best feeling I can truly have anymore,Depression +23436,"I am exhausted, man. I just graduated high school and its my senior year summer I feel like I should be as happy and joyous as ever but I have actually never been in a worse mental space than I am right now. Its like maybe I am not ambitious enough but I refuse to live a life filled with working, meaningless relationships, and feelings of depression constantly berating my mind. i had a GF for about a year and a half and when we broke up and inevitably reconnected for meaningless sex months later I was shown how heartless people can truly be towards one another and her actions towards me play a big part in my desire to not want to be alive. I still live with my mother, I work an overnight package handler position making good money around $250 weekly and then food delivery during the days yielding another $250-$500 weekly but still I have $0 in my savings and virtually nothing to show for besides a long list if shitty car repairs on a shitty car I will not drive in 3 years. I am going to a tech school to do my generals education but in order to be eligible for FAFSA you have to declare a major, therefore I chose accounting technician as it sounded the most interesting to me, but the idea of doing a companies payroll as my career makes me want to die even more, and sooner. I do not know what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to talk to. i do not know. i have no guidance either, the only person i hang out is my ex-girlfriend and that is literally once a week for meaningless sex, which to clarify is only meaningless to her. i still definitely have some attachment things going on which is likely due to the fact i do not hangout or talk to anybody else. I do not know why i wrote or posted this I am just lost man, i wake up and just sigh cuz I am so sick of waking up. does anybody else relate? Exauhsted",Suicidal +23437,"You know how suicidal people sometimes give away prized possessions? I tried and it seems no one wants them. I have things belonging to my grandparents and father who have passed away but my family does not want them. I do not have many of my own things. Nothing really important to me besides a ring Ill send to my mom the day I take my own life. I live 2000km away from my family and I do not have many friends. Certainly none who want my parents wedding gift dishes. I wish my mother never brought those things here to me. They are going to be thrown in the garbage now. My whole life in little keep sakes in a steamer trunk and a rubber made tub. I am sending them gifts instead. I do not have much money so I thought Id save up and send them something they would like maybe. Something positive out of all my negative. I find I am on auto pilot now. I gave away just about everything I own. All I have are books and some clothes. A camera and my steamer trunk. Even if its not by my own hand Ill die soon anyway. How odd it is that I am afraid to die when I have wanted to for so long. I am unhealthy. I am very overweight. I can hardly walk and even laying down too long hurts. I do not have faith that I can fix it. I think I am too far gone to come back and be.. better? I told myself Id try harder to get better mentally, and I did try, but here I am planning what happens leading up to and after my death. It should not matter what happens to my few belongings. Maybe its just another tree in my path to getting what I want. I am not a religious person. I do not know if there is an afterlife. I hope there is not. I hope I do not have to look back on my life or be punished in some sort of hell. I hope I just stop existing. Like a light going out. Its just gone. I get that I am crazy. No one has to answer or reply. I just wanted to tell someone. The people in my life are not equipped to deal with it. I am very alone. Ill be alone at the end. I get that I am crazy.",Suicidal +23438,The point is to end my suffering not create more. I just cannot wait to die. I have thought about jumping off a bridge into water which would definitely take me out but I am scared of the panic and painful state while you drown. I might just do it or find another effective and non painful way. I want to delete myself so bad but I am just scared of turning into a vegetable,Suicidal +23439,"Why? I am literally in hell everyday. Why should I keep having to live this way? Its fucking exhausting. I am just done. Why do I have to keep going on, if I am miserable?",Depression +23440,"life is alright on summer break. but how the hell will i deal with going back to school. i genuinely do not know how to deal with this. just endless agony, stress, anxiety and boredom. if i somehow get through the start of school HOW will i make it through winter=????? seasonal depression on top of depression is not a good combo. i genuinely feel so hopeless. i really do not want to go back to school. i fell helpless!!!! please how do i deal with this id rather die than go back to school",Depression +23441,"Last night I felt close to death. I wanted it to come. I was tempting it to snatch me up. But nothing came. I kept drinking, thinking that the more drunk I became, the thinner and thinner the line between life and death would get. I thought I would get liquid courage to do what I am too scared to do.If the people I called friends knew why I started to drink more, I wonder how they would act. One is worried about my failing mental health, but she will be fine. I mean she is only worried because it is the natural thing to do when it is in eyesight. it is like someone being concerned for a fallen person in front of them. you are not going to ignore them, but you are not going to do a follow up or wonder what is up with them after everything is all said and done. it is similar. Besides, someone else can fill the spot. I honestly do not know why I am writing here, let alone what to write. I guess I am just saying what is on my mind. Things are feeling hopeless again, but I guess that is fine. Maybe I will bounce back, maybe I will not. Only time will tell. Another close night",Depression +23442,"I have made my mind up I am doing this, I do not know hot to say goodbye tho and I do not want to hurt people I feel like I am being so selfish but I just cannot keep living anymore its too much how do I say goodbye I am done",Suicidal +23443,I have no one to hang out with and no one to go to fun events with. Its so hard to describe this crushing loneliness I feel like death because I am all alone,Depression +23444,"I am so sad and cannot stop crying. I worked so hard despite struggling with ADHD and all my mental illnesses every step of my life. I went to a good school and studied neuroscience but every time I talk to my peers I realize how far behind I really am, and how I do not get things. I am just stupid.I worked so hard and got a good job... but I am doing terribly. I do not dislike it, I am just BAD at it. If I fail this training my boss has to retrain me on everything.. and I do not think there is any way I can pass it. it is so hard. I am supposed to complete one case a day minimum... and I have just spent 10 hours on the shortest case you can get. I just feel so helpless and terrified that I have no future. I hate this so much. I do not know what to do with my life. I just wish it would all end. I got a good job and I am doing really bad",Depression +23445,"Today was the last straw. I had enough mental abuse from my nparents. I could not take the mental anguish anymore, so when the time was right, I decided to take all my things and leave. My plan was just to keep going north till I get to South Carolina, but now I am just really scared. Scared that my parents and relatives will find me. In fact I have had a few panic attacks while I was driving. I sorta give up at this point I just do not know what to do with anything anymore. Right now I am at fucking gas station in a different county and I feel very paranoid. I hate how I cannot just have good people in my life who will not find some way to abuse me. I do not understand how people do this (running away). Do they not get caught ? I do not know. I have never felt more paranoid and scared in my life. If I go back, it will be 1000 times more mental abuse than I received before. I am going to find a way to kms soon, because now all I feel is great pain. Who ever said LiFe Is A gIfT is a fucking moron ! I ran away from home",Depression +23446,I posted just now but the arrows are greyed out? Can anyone see this?,Depression +23447,"I just want to delete myself, like i never existed in the first place. That way no one would get hurt and traumatised by me killing myself. Sometimes i wish i never existed in the first place. I am fucking tired of life. I hate the unwanted responsibilities given to me. I hate that I have to live someone else's life. This is too fucking straining. I wish there was a way to just delete myself",Suicidal +23448,i like life. i like alot of things about life.. i love my friends and family but i still have this really dark feeling everyday and i think that i should just kill myself. I do not know why. Suicidal even though life is cool,Suicidal +23449,"I am at that point in my illness that I cannot look at my computer any longer. I am a research assistant and most of my work is computer based. I write papers, input data, things like that. I have had meltdowns and have had personal situations hit me constantly. I have no motivation to write, I have no desire to work at all, I do not want to eat, I just want sleep. I am really at the point of either quitting my job or ending it all. How do I work and meet deadlines? How do I stop feeling this way? Help? How do I work?",Depression +23450,"My life has been rather difficult for the past 2-3 months now. I try to have joy when I can but as soon as I stop doing whatever, or it does not go well enough or I cannot stop thinking about negative stuff, my day gets ruined. Again and again.. I thought I was over it... I kind of was.. Last year life was great honestly.. But it was all escapism.. All I did was nutrition study, language study, food making, exercise and sleep.. But then of course, I got so many constant comments about my appearance how I was ugly, that I looked like a guy and pointed and laughed at I just stopped going outside, stop making varied delicious foods, though still did the others for a bit.. But even that is gone this year.. Whenever I try to become stronger, better version of myself, more resilient, kind, fun.... I get met with so much constant push back it is getting exhausting.. and nobody understands.. I do not share much with my friends these days because it is just the same and so exhausting, especially to be remembered myself about all of the negatives, when I just am trying to be in the now and do what little I can to improve on myself..At this point however, I am getting worried I guess.. I already attempted before.. One serious attempt, and multiple smaller one which at most just gave me some temporary pain but had 1% chance of killing me really.... Why I am worried is that I actually feel it.. The temptation, thoughts, feelings about suicide becoming as strong as back when I had my serious attempt, and I do not know how long I can go on without trying again.. Sadly there is no help for me.. I need money to fix myself... At least some minor surgeries to fix my flaws so I can look average at least and not harassed fearing leaving the door every time, move out to a safe place instead of where I currently am which is also unsafe, have money for more than basic needs unless I save up for 6+ months at a time to splurge a bit on more fun stuff like clothes I need or maybe a new game and such.. Just living on food, meds, basic life necessities gets exhausting.I thankfully started seeing a psychologist last week so at least I got that finally after asking for years, but it is like once a month kind of thing atm because it is a free offer and I cannot afford to pay for one myself.. I also am seeing if I am stronger than before to see if I can hold a job or study again, since last I tried it went extremely bad and I broke down completely.. And that is with streaming.. It has a pressure like a job (for me), but it has been difficult.. though while it is extremely difficult to me, it has also brought the most joy to me in a long while... I feel so conflicted. Especially since I am also here, feeling the pressure and just not being able to handle it as much anymore.. It was the last thing I felt I could try. See if I could actually accomplish anything, yet... I feel my friends and some followers just pitied me or were curious for a bit, and now what.. I am too broken to become anything ever.. So why bother going on.. Especially since my entire life except for last year (only year in my life where I actually felt happy) has been overall terrible, hard, sad and filled with escapism.. If I did not have streamer subs and a friend coming over soon I dunno, I feel I might have been gone already by now, or tried to be.. Sigh... Thank you for reading.. Feeling like an ugly failure and that I am no good at life..",Suicidal +23451,"I have been at rock bottom for months and Ik getting off meds did not help. I just needed to rant for a second. I am so tired of life, being alone every mf day but also not wanting people to be close to me. Being replaced. Being hurt. Yet not wanting people to be nice to me either because my self worth does not exist. My body fucking destroying itself with this autoimmune disease, and my brain trying to kill me. Finding out what meds will actually help. Being lonely, again. I wonder ever day what is the point at all, I just draw some shit and go outside. I feel connection to only one person at this point. Feeling like Ill be trapped in my current living situation forever. I just keep trying to improve and falling flat on my ass lolBefore you say some shit like, its all my fault and do not blame other people for my problems, I fucking know okay I know its my fault I just wanted to rant about how much living in my fucking brain and body suck to me and how hard it is to feel like there is anything worth going on for Beyond tired of my life",Suicidal +23452,"I have attempted several times myself. Each of my siblings has attempted. My eldest brother completed just before his 40th birthday 13 years ago. I am now 40. I first attempted when I was 14. I was fed up with my self loathing at a very early age. I took a number of painkillers and only succeeded in making myself violently ill from every orifice. After seeing what I had done. My mother told me to get up and go to school. I did not attempt again until my wife left me a little over a year ago. This time I tried to gang myself with a belt in my workshop but some friends had recognized my despondent language and called the police who interrupted me mid attempt. I was taken to a psychiatric facility for the first time. I proceeded to undergo loads of one on one abd group therapy. But I spent my evenings consuming lots of drugs and alcohol and entering various entanglements with several women over the next year. Nothing truly serious until I met someone who shared a first name with my wife. It took me several months to approach her but we fell fast once I did. It was a quick and tumultuous relationship that ended with me not wanting To subject another to my anxiety, paranoia and abandonment issues. I broke it off but not before a week of incredibly self destructive behavior culminating in some sever self harm that she ended up sharing with lots of mutual friends on Facebook. Plenty of people came to my defense but I still believed my life was over as my mental illness was on public display now. My suicidal thoughts became overwhelming but I had the wherewithal to check myself into a hospital before doing something drastic. Fast forward a month later and a after a tap on my shoulder at a bar I turn around to the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen. Uncharacteristically i made it known I had to know this woman. I ignored everything Id been telling myself about not getting involved seriously again and we fell even harder and faster then I have ever had before. But I have done it again. I have sabotaged yet another wonderful thing with words intended to destroy utterly. I cannot keep doing this but i dread being alone at the same time. I do not want to hurt myself at this particular moment. But I know its only a matter of time and or booze before it takes ahold again. Please help. Tired of subjecting others to myself",Suicidal +23453,"for those of you who use alcohol to cope, how well does it work and maybe what are some pros and cons? alcohol?",Depression +23454,I have dealt with depression for years. Recently coming to figure out I probably have adhd. I have been feeling good these first two weeks on Wellbutrin and it seemed to remove my craving to drink. My drinking past has been across the board. Today I am tired and I have a craving for wine. I am female w/ a normal BMI. Any similar bodied people have experience having a couple of drinks on this medication ? Wellbutrin (Bupropion) and alcohol,Depression +23455,"I am feeling every day more and more depressed even when I was about to recover finally. I am tired of living with my family, they spend the whole day fighting each other or ignoring me at some point. I want to go to the country and chill for once but I got to spend my 2 week holidays making school stuff so I cannot even relax by watching a tv show or smth like that. I want to make so many things but I cannot cuz my mom will not let me be in peace for 1 second. I do not want to kms neither, I wanted to cut my veins again so I can feel pain but I cannot find a razor and if I want to buy one I got to go w someone of my family cuz I cannot move by myself. I do not got friends, I do not feel loved since I was like 4/5 and idk how to make at least one friend. Thx for reading if you did, take care Idk what to do",Depression +23456,"2020 really amplified the issues in my marriage. My husband finally came clean and let me know he would been hiding and addiction from me for years. My constant loneliness and depression finally made sense- he was unable or unwilling to be there for me while he was using. He started his recovery and we started couples therapy again, but things remained stagnant.On top of all the issues, we were not intimate anymore. He told me he was not attracted to me because I had gained weight. That was brutal to hear. I reconnected with an ex at the end of 2020. I shared my problems with him and he listened. He told me I was beautiful and that my body was perfect to him. I ate it up.. an affair was born.Yesterday my husband confronted me- he would gone through my phone and seen messages with my ex. He was devastated.. packed up and left. I have been a mess. I cannot function, I cannot eat, cannot go too long without the sharp pain in my heart. Our relationship was filled with toxicity, but I want him back more than anything. I feel so lost and abandoned. We face timed last night and the pain in his eyes killed me. I realized I am grasping onto the idea of a relationship that never was. I am so scared of starting over. I hope he reaches out and asks that we try to work it out, but part of me feels that I should not even if he did. Please help- I am codependent and my separation is tearing me apart. My world is crumbling and I am barely holding on. My heart is hurting so much and I do not know what to do. Co-dependent and clinging onto my marriage. I feel so alone.",Suicidal +23457,"I (15F) was sexually assaulted when i was 10 and 13 by the same cousin. My parents are abusive fucks. My brothers tried killing me more than once, and has been touching me lately. My uncle will not stop touching me either. I have tried killing myself before. I am just so done with all these thoughts in my head. Like ""its all your fault, you went into that closet with him."" ""you should have told him to stop."" ""maybe i deserve getting beaten like this."" i do not know what to do and i want to die so badly and I am so tired of wanting to die I am so tired of all the thoughts in my head",Suicidal +23458,I am a student and work part-time.Today my professor scolded me infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time. I am not able to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much. I do not know what to do.I feel hopeless. I do not know how to show my face again in class. I am feeling so ashamed. My life is just falling apart as usual. I got shamed infront of my whole class today,Depression +23459,"I am 17(NB) from India.I have had depression and anxiety for more than half a decade now and recently got bipolar and I think I am at the verge and I have lost Hope and I feel like no one cares cuz,there is is not anyone to deal with me, mom and dad do not care because they do not know what I am going through and I do not have any friends or anyone who cares and I do not think I can pass in my exams and I was and still am a burden and to be honest I am good for nothing and I am just wasting people's time and money and my mum said that she risked her life to give birth to me and I have always felt like she would have aborted me just like she did in her earlier pregnancies ! She would not have to go through this and I was never someone is choice I was just an option like the last one and my partner was with me because they did not have anyone to talk to like they were just with me to not feel lonely even though they did not love me or at least like me and Hatred and rejections are nothing new,I have been trying to kill myself but I just do not have the courage to do so, I waited for a decade hoping that something good was going to happen but its just getting worse day by day and there is nothing or no one to hold one to not even myself,I am just not worth it ! I think I will do it after I write a suicide note and plan everything which is going to take a week ! I have tried meds and they no longer work for me ! I am just done with life! I hope at least get peace after I leave!Thanks in advance;) Everything seems to go in vain!!!",Suicidal +23460,"I have always had bouts of depression and anxiety. I am on meds. For the past month, my first thought right when i open my eyes is death. Death as in disappointment at my life and another day. But when i seriously consider suicide i get even sadder at the thought of not being here anymore. As background, I am 42, female, ivy league educated, USED to be very pretty. In past 3 years, i feel I have progressively become more pathetic and useless. I only see aging, lonliness, sickness and struggles ahead. Whereas i used to live in a nice high rise, have friends, had a nice shape, felt healthier, felt pretty, worked a reputable job etc now I have gained 35lbs going from 115lb to 150lb, my hairs thinned out, I am stuck living with my parents after i moved here to help temporarily but now cannot get my shit together to move back to my homestate, have no friends, fertility is shot according to doc n will likely never have kids ever, i feel ugly snd i work a shitty contract job. Plus I have had horrible heartburn and nausea for weeks and meds are not working. I am in therapy but feels like i have a new setback each time i start to try to make progress mostly health anxiety related or an actual life event.idk I am rambling. Sorry. I am just so sad, anxious and do not know what to do. Everything seems dark. 42 years old, fatty and infertile.",Depression +23461,"For some reason or another,I am here. I exist.",Depression +23462,"I am going to catch a ban here soon, but I am trapped. Trapped in my own head. I cannot leave my soon-to-be husband (we are gay) but if I do not I will go Hell. Everyday is a panic attack and a struggle to function. I am working as much as I can to cope but I cannot even sleep now. I cannot leave and be celibate cuz I know I will fail, but I cannot live with the fact that I am gay. I do not even want to die, but I am in so much pain all the time and I have no options anymore. Stick to your principles kids, it will kill you if ya do not Fuck it",Suicidal +23463,"I am in my 30's and in the past week, i started hitting myself. then i heated up a knife and held it against my skin until i developed a pretty severe burn. now i have a giant blistering wound on my arm. i ruin everything. i hate myself. i cannot stand this pain anymore. i cannot sleep or eat or function. I am so sick of being alone in life. I am always abandoned. even when i was a baby, i was abandoned. i have no family. i feel like i cannot keep going. I am starting to like the feeling of hurting myself. I am self harming for the first time since i was a teenager",Suicidal +23464,I feel like all the cards are stacked against me. I do the right thing and still get screwed. I do not understand where in my life I went wrong. I am so tired of trying and gettin nowhere with anything in my life. I do not know what to do anymore.,Depression +23465,"I just feel like I am not getting better things are only getting worse... I do not know how to deal with this, I feel so helpless and I feel like I would be doing people a favour if I die... a promise I made to my mum is keeping me alive... But I do not feel like I am strong enough to do this anymore, I am so fucked up.... all I do is drag people down with me because I am depressed... I have tried to get help but nothing works.. I see a psychologist... I am just feel like part of me needs to end it all.. I do not deserve to live, to get better. To be happy.. I know there are worse people off but my mind can only take so much.. I am in pain :( Helpless",Suicidal +23466,"I have a plan on how I am going to do it, I am just scared. I am so sad and I want it all to end but I am scared it might hurt. Scared to end it",Depression +23467,"I have had depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried multiple medications, but they all seem to work for a little bit and then everything is numb again. I go to therapy, and talk to someone, but it does not fix the pain. I am not depressed about anything in particular, its just that feeling. That horrible teeth sinking hole I have. Its so hard to describe, but its mentally painful. I do not know how long I can bare with this feeling. I just want it to stop, I do not know how else to make it stop. It hurts so bad. Its this overwhelming horrible agonizing mental pain. I just want it to stop. Its just so painful",Suicidal +23468,"Id like to think I have been pretty optimistic about the series of unfortunate events that have transpired my life as of late. However, lately I have been feeling like I am suffocating. I always tell myself that it could always be worse but I cannot even say those words out loud to myself. For the first time ever, I do not want to continue. I do not want to be here anymore. It could always be worse",Depression +23469,"I have always had bouts of depression and anxiety. I am on meds. For the past month, my first thought right when i open my eyes is death. Death as in disappointment at my life and another day. But when i seriously consider suicide i get even sadder at the thought of not being here anymore. As background, I am 42, female, ivy league educated, uses to be very pretty. In past 5 years, i feel I have progressively become more pathetic and useless. I only see aging, lonliness, sickness and struggles ahead. Whereas i used to live in a nice high rise, have friends, felt pretty etc now I have ganed 35lbs, my hairs thinned out, I am stuck living with my parents, after i moved here to help temporarily but now cannot get my shit together to move back to my homestate, have no friends, fertility is shot according to doc n will likely never have kids ever, i feel ugly snd i work a shitty contract job. Plus I have had horrible heartburn and nausea for weeks and meds are not working. I am in therapy but feels like i have a new setback each time i start to try to make progress .idk I am rambling. Sorry. I am just so sad, anxious and do not know what to do. Everything seems dark. My first thought each morning is death. Help.",Depression +23470,I want to die because I am lonely and have no one to cuddle with me. I feel like everyone will just reject me. I am just a 26 year old loser. No one will ever love me. I am lonely and angry and tired of it,Suicidal +23471,"I do not really know how else to explain it. I have felt extremely off since yesterday. Nothing seems to click and I have felt empty for most of the past couple days. It came put of nowhere, like my brain is just like ""you finally feeling a little happy? Boom now you do not"". It sucks cuz I do not know why I feel like this. No drive to go out or be social. what is wrong with me? Been feeling really off",Depression +23472,I need advice on coping mechanisms for life. Coping mechanisms.,Suicidal +23473,"I am done with trying to explain myself with hell of a long articles so, just read the post below... In depression, feeling so goddamn shitty.",Depression +23474,"I have struggled with depression for about a year and a half, ever since the pandemic happened. I started feeling bad when life denied travel, friends, socialization, even exercise (to a point). Now, since I am vaccinated and places have been opening up, I have gotten to travel and see my friends again, but it is not really the same. Life just feels like a dark hallway, but with a black hole chasing you around, as well as pitfalls a mile deep that are covered in wet algae on the smooth walls. Not to mention, the farther you run down the hallway, the darker it gets. Basically, life sucks.My mom constantly tells me ""it will get better, I swear"" and I would love to believe her, but unfortunately, after experiencing near-constant stress and sadness, I have been less and less able to cling onto that hope and more and more kill myself. Everybody says what a great person I am, and I genuinely appreciate their compliments, but I am not sure how I am supposed to stay alive when there is the prospect of eternal happiness and life is a hellhole.Also, I am in Boy Scouts, and I am going to summer camp in a couple of days. Now, BSA does a cool little thing called the swim test, which you have to pass if you want to participate in certain merit badges. This is what is been causing me LOTS of anxiety over the past week. I am trying to swim a little bit, so I can get used to the water before I have to take the test, but I am still pretty anxious about the test.Essentially, life has kind of been stretching me very thin, and I am not sure I can take it anymore. Thanks for reading, have a cookie . Depression (and recently, anxiety), have been making life very hard to live",Suicidal +23475,"If you are reading this then you most likely know the feeling. And some who are also reading this may realise how important having people to talk to is in getting over this. I have no one anymore. My ex took them, and now I just found out she is with a new man. She took everything from me and I still admire her. Why? I just want someone to ask that question too. God I hate this. I realised I have been in this position before but I had people to talk too. Now I do not.",Depression +23476,"I am 35 years old and I do not remember being happy. There is always something bad happening. And now I am living the worse part of my life. Single, unemployed, living with my parents again, I have no idea what to do with my life because I am not good at anything. I am just tired of trying jobs, and relationships and moving to different countries to try to find a purpose. I gave myself until the end of the year but I do not think I can make it. I feel so much pain and I do not care anymore if my family or friends will be sad. They were not there for me when I needed. I think I will take my life because life took everything that I was. I am nothing.. just this pure sadness. I just wonder how people can breath feeling so much pain. Because I cannot do this anymore. How do we keep going when we tried everything and only bad things happened to us? Giving up",Depression +23477,"I have had depression for around 9 months and I am tired of dealing with it, will this ever go away without meds, I have heard how bad anti depressants are. I do not think I can handle going through my whole life being depressed Is there any way of getting rid of depression",Depression +23478,I do not know why I do this to myself. I have been depressed since I was young and recently I have been watching suicide videos and real death/gore videos when I am depressed. I do not like it and it makes my stomach turn but morbid curiosity gets the best of me. Last night I watched them for about two hours in bed and I woke up today filled with so much dread. Its so depressing to see how messed up the world really is and it has me not wanting to be alive anymore and these videos keep playing in my head over and over and my hate for mankind has grown stronger than before. I do not know how to get these images out of my head or know why I decided to watch them. I have seen them before but last night while watching after about two hours I thought I was desensitized but then half way awake I felt so sick when it finally hit me again that these are real people. This is what goes on in this world and now I feel so awful. I do not want to live in a world like this. I do not this this depression will ever go away. I feel disgusted even writing this. Watched death/gore videos and now I am even more depressed.,Depression +23479,"I need to try x, y and z before I do it. It will take a while, a few months.I wish I could just get it over with now. A part of me does not want x, y and z to succeed. Please can I just leave",Suicidal +23480,"I am 25, depressed and I feel like I am just now accepting that I will never be anything of great value. I hate everything about myself. I feel so alone. Even when I have had friends, I have a bf and I have my family but I just feel inescapably sad and lonely. I am trying to get a job again now that lockdown is lifting but it is such a shit show. I feel like honest people do not succeed, it is impossible to get anywhere unless you know powerful people and somehow convince them to help you.I am so pathetic, crazy and I feel so ugly. Inside and out. I feel like I want to peel my skin off. When I take a shower the water feels like rough sand hitting my skin. I do not feel worthy of washing. It feels bad to wash, eat, sleep. Nothing feels good.I am on medication but I am shit on it and even worse without it. I feel like I have done everything wrong and everyone is mad at me but I do not know how to fix it. Just getting shit off of my chest.",Suicidal +23481,I am so sick of everything its all in vain nothing ever helps does not matter how much i struggle i hate everything and everyone I just want this shit to fucking end i wish i had agun to shoot myself i might jump down into a river or use a traintrack i do not fucking care anymore I just want out i just want out i do not want to be here anymore i fucking hate everything I am so sick I am so fucking sick i just want to end nothing ever gets better nothing ever changes it does not matter what I do fdwqA,Suicidal +23482,The only thing I am sure I am going to do is put an end to my life all this time i was alone i dident got a hug since 2009 I am now 21 so if you read this message that mean I am gone so thank you for spending your time to read it so I am very sorry and greatfull i do not to get to late for because my rope is looking at me from the corner of the room good bye friends I think it the end,Depression +23483,"Its just too much, I am not strong enough, I am too weak, I have failed. I do not want to live anymore",Suicidal +23484,I am sick of living like this. I just want the pain to dissapear. I really want to die ; (,Depression +23485,"i hate everyone but miss everyone, i crave the pain but i despise it and want to be happy, i feel like everything and everyone is moving forward but I am stuck in the same dark hole, everyone is leaving me behind, i feel great sadness and pain but at the same time i feel empty and numb, my self hatred is getting worse, the calories are getting less, the self harm is getting more. people asked if i was ok for a week and now they do not care anymore. I am stuck in this same horrible place but everyone is moving on without me. its my fault. i pushed them away. i really want to end it, if i had a gun i would, I am scared of failing, my mom would be devastated. I have felt like this for over a year now. i started thinking of suicide as an option last june. I have wasted a year of my life being sad. i feel so guilty. i feel like I have let everyone down. i cannot accept the help. i do not know what I am writing i think this is a vent. i hate feeling like this. currently crying while writing this. I am not asking for anyone to reply but if you are going to say something horrible please do not. thanks vent ?",Depression +23486,"I know I have alot to do, but I know I am going to run out of steam as soon as I even imagine getting started n so I am just laying here with no action n my brain telling me I should be doing stuff. it is a crappy in between of not being productive but not relaxing either. Procrastinating??",Depression +23487,"I have been browsing through this subreddit for who knows how long, at least a few weeks, maybe a month.I do not think I have ever posted here though, until now.Anyway, so stuff has been really shitty at home. I have been living with narcissists all my life, and now that I am 18 things have gotten way worse.To spare you all my life story, my mom is an abusive POS and my grandma and to some extent, my grandpa are enablers of her and are on her side. My mom spread lies about me and used her persuasiveness to get an unknown number of people to believe that she never abused me. Or that what she did was not abuse.I have been job searching for 6 months at this point. I have been looking for remote work, due to my location and not wanting to be chained to this area if I want to move, and so I do not leave a paper trail of my earnings/etc in case my grandma opens my mail again. I have made about ~50 USD freelancing, but finding work is hard and sifting through the shitty posts or the ones that do not relate to my skills is taking a toll. I just want to leave. I am living with my grandparents and my mom recently moved back in. She is just as physically and emotionally abusive as she always was. I cannot stand her.My grandma apparently wants me to pay $400 a month in rent when I can find a job, but for some reason could not tell me that directly and passed the ""dirty work"" on to my mom. I wanted to move out before then, so I do not have to pay to stay here and be tethered to this place.But everything I do fails. I have submitted probably hundreds of resumes to remote jobs, only to never hear back 99% of the time, or get rejected. I am starting to wonder why I even try, when I cannot even take 99% of my belongings with me when I can move without my family trying to get into a legal battle over gifts which are my property and not my mother's. Why not just end it and stop my awful contributions to the world so no one has to deal with me again? it is not like I will ever get my dream career anyway. Or be who I want to be in life, instead of staying in the closet while I live with my parent like the rest of the relatives I live with do. Long time lurker.... first time posting here",Suicidal +23488,Life is pain and I just want to disappear forever. Like nobody would notice anyway. The only person who cared now hates me and I do not even know why. So what is the point. I have got nothing left to live for Y'know it was okay for a while but its back again,Depression +23489,"I am fucking lonely, my friend group randomly decided to start bullying me for no fucking reason, the hardest year if school is right in front of me and all the stress is overwhelming. Every day I wake up feeling shit, and it only gets worse, day by day. Every fucking night before I go to sleep, I wish that I would die in my sleep. The only fucking reson I have not killed myself already is because of my family, and knowing they would be broken. I do not want to do this anymore, and I cannot do it. I just cannot. Probably going to kill myself before I am 18",Suicidal +23490,"Its like I am trash.. I have always tried to be nice and friendly to everyone in my life. Always moving aside and offering to help... now I sit here. Alone. No one to go to. And the people I thought were friends just kept me around because I was an easy punching bag. I grew up fat and poor and wore a hoodie all the time and never did anything fun... my parents would fight and fight and I just had to be quiet. Nobody likes me for who I am and I am sitting here typing this with a cat... I am so lonely. My parents could not care less that I left and that hurt the most. I could die today.. nobody would care, they would not even reach out when I was alive so what is new. Always the 3rd wheel.. always the last choice... always the option in relationships... it feels so horrible to not be wanted by anyone you know... I think people think I am retarded but I put on a goofy act because I know it gets smiles. I have only ever wanted happiness for the people around me and at the end of the road I am the saddest I have ever been. I am a waste to everybody",Suicidal +23491,"I have a friend who is depressed but does not like to talk about it, and I too have some depression crisis. I would like to get a few tips on how to help them, fr, Idk what to do.If you were this friend, what would you have me do? I want to be a better person",Depression +23492,You have no idea how angry I am because everyone blames me for everything that I want to kill myself right in front of everybody. I am extremely angry,Suicidal +23493,"Hi, first of all, sorry for my English, I am not a native and I am still learning.I have depression, my sister has anxiety and my parents are always arguing. My situation in my home is really bad for myself. Life is just pain for me. I take a lot of medication for my depression but I still feel like shit. My life in the last 2 years has been just obligations with no reward. Doing basic things like having a basic hygiene, eat or doing sport (which I use to enjoy) feels like a super effort to me. But I never got a reward, I never feel happy. I do not have friends, I have people with whom I go out but I would not consider them as friends, behave like a normal person (hiding my depression) with them is also a big effort. I have never kiss a girl. I also cut myself frequently,After this time I am considering ending this pain (you know what I mean). Doing things just because is what you should do is killing me. I know,maybe you do not like your job but you have to work, but soon or after you will find moments of happiness. I have been working 24/7 for the last 2 years with no reward I am the form of happiness.I am writing this post to ask for help, any idea on how to solve this or what to do can be helpful. Thanks I do not know how to scape from my situation",Depression +23494,"So, I met this girl from my job. Before you guys start saying never date anybody from your job/business. I already know that & willing to take that risk. I am 27 & she is 33. We said hi & bye in the past but never really spoke until February of this year. Now, we just cannot stop thinking, Talking, Hanging out & now we are going on our first date on Saturday. Now, she has a kid from a hookup from someone she knew for 8 years. He left & never came back. I am a man & I do not want do the same thing. My thing is I am very nervous & keep thinking how old we will be if we ever have kids. She might be too old by the time the kid is 30. I am nervous about the actual fact of being in a relationship yet excited and want to. What is this feeling? What have you done to get over it? Scared about relationship yet excited",Depression +23495,"I am new to this sub, first time posting. I do not think anyone really wants to read 50 paragraphs about my life. I wanted to make it as simple as I could for anyone that is feeling empathetic today:) Edit- its in fact 50 paragraphs I am a female entering my mid twenties now and I feel like a mess but somehow put together. A well put together mess if you willIm going to she would some light on my past as briefly as I canPTSD as a child from witnessing medical problems with my father (lots of blood etc) and also diagnosed anxiety disorder- medicated for anxiety. Abused drugs all throughout my teen years, landed in rehab due to 3 cocaine overdoses by the age of 17- diagnosed anxiety and depression-developed panic disorder in rehab-medicated for anxiety. Zero meds after rehab as they did not help me at all. In my mid 20s now and loosely diagnosed with ADD- medicated with a stimulant- has never been abused and it has helped a ton. My dad died two years ago. No we were not close but it haunts me daily and I have outbursts where Ill cry alone in my car or when I am alone in my apartment. I live with my boyfriend. I guess I am just trying to find some comfort. I feel like there is no fixing me. I am so young and so much has happened. Nothing works. I feel like my ADD diagnosis is not correct at all yet that is the one medication that is worked. I have had an eating disorder my entire life and abused cocaine so I understand doctors not looking at this as being the issue or trying treatment for it. Aside from that my life is GOOD. I am financially stable, I have a loving boyfriend, and a dog. I pay my own bills etc. Why do I constantly feel like hell? I am either angry or I want to cry. For no reason at all.I cannot hold a job for the life of me unless its bartending because I get to drink. (No I do not abuse alcohol I have 1-2 drinks a night which is a lot for some I understand) I have a customer service/insurance broker type job with hours of 11-5 daily and even that is too much for me to handle. Granted people are screaming at me constantly. I am not sure if this is my depression or if I am just a terrible ungrateful human. I find beauty in things in life. I just feel terrible often. Thank you for reading and any support is very appreciated (Not) Short and sweet",Depression +23496,"I finally feel at peace. My whole life I have been tormented by everyone else but now I will finally have my escape to a better place. I am going to go buy a gun this week since I thankfully can easily get oneFor the first time in my life, I feel free, not owing anything to anyone Made a pact to kill myself by the time my next birthday rolls around in less than six months",Suicidal +23497,"As the title says, I do not know who I am, what I believe in, what I want to do, what I stand for.I spent my entire life just agreeing with people only because it felt easier than trying to disagree, or bring up other points. I have spent my entire life being ""easy going"" to avoid any type of conflict, be it large or small. I do not know who I am. I am now everyone and no one at the same time.This is tearing me apart, I am 26 and it sucks. I should know what I want from life, I should know who I am, I should know something... but I do not. I need help before I disappear from within. I do not know who I am",Suicidal +23498,"As the title says, I do not know who I am, what I believe in, what I want to do, what I stand for.I spent my entire life just agreeing with people only because it felt easier than trying to disagree, or bring up other points. I have spent my entire life being ""easy going"" to avoid any type of conflict, be it large or small. I do not know who I am. I am now everyone and no one at the same time.&#x200B;This is tearing me apart, I am 26 and it sucks. I should know what I want from life, I should know who I am, I should know something... but I do not. I need help before I disappear from within. I do not know who I am...",Depression +23499,"And I know this. I have noticed it for a long time. My depression is twofold. On one side, it is from years of torment in a private school. Once I escaped that, the second phase kicked in when I realised I would be single/lonely. . .For a while. That was 25 years ago. The torment/harassment I went through, I can get through. Ppl are assholes. . .The lonely/longing phase, does not get better. 2 months ago, I ran into a classmate of mine (from the school I actually liked going to). We were not friends then. We did not know each other. We only had one class together. And, even though I found her intriguing/attravtive, I never talked to her. After graduation, I would run into her from time to time, at the bars. I actually admitted to her that I was interested back in high school, but was too scared to talk to her. The last time I saw her, we were at a bar, and we got caught up. She had plans (that I did not want her to do), and she did not want to ""continue"" the evening.TL;DRI ""thought"" I saw a classmate of mine a couple months ago. We were/are on the same page, that if I see her, I will not recognize her her, due to my bad vision at range, and only seeing her every 5 or so years. This time was different, as I have new glasses, and she walked up to me and said my name. I was under enough stress, anxiety, emotional problems, that I ligetimatly, thought I holusinated her. I have not seen her since. And my depression, of being single for so long has me thinking about her.sucks. . .Back on topic. I have noticed that things that I have had interest in. . . I no longer remember.I hate knowing that I am losing my mind, when I can see it happening. Loosing my mind",Depression +23500,"Before there was an inability to discern whether what happened could be supernatural or whatever. That recently quickly dissolved with the slightest honest familiarity with reason. Previously the memories of the voice would be indiscernable from actually being all of creation available, frightening, peaceful, inspiring continuously. Having lost the ability to fool has lost the ability to feel that life is anything. God talk directly to me again. Please. God say anything again. I am in no immediate danger. This sucks. Please God.",Suicidal +23501,I cannot do anything. I am pathatic worthless garbage. No one likes me. And i do not deserve to be liked. I am just a burden. I should just kill myself. I am just a burden.,Depression +23502,It kind of hurts knowing the people that I once loved and still love do not remember or acknowledge my existence. Time keeps moving by,Depression +23503,"The one purpose of schooling is to train you to be educated in order to be able to go out in the world and become a success. Not once did anyone lay out for me:1. Careers you can do, what you have to do to get them, how long you have to work when you are in the entry level and further along positions, how much money you make in each one2. How to get your finances in order, what different types of savings accounts, stocks, investments you can have, how to file taxes, how to buy a house/condo/building, how to start a business3. How to be happy, how to be more social and support the growth of your relationships with people, the consequences of investing in romantic relationships early in life4. What is actually valued in the world at a societal levelIt all compounds too and that is why I am pissed; if they would have told us all this back when we were 15, 16, 17 I would know how to manage my life yet I do not because I started much later and there is a learning curve. Educators are too busy preaching to the lowest common denominator telling people that you can be a zookeeper or painter if your really want to. I get that sentiment, but dude I am fucking pissed right now that the essentials of life were never taught to us and instead we learned about the civil war? like what the fuck? Why did not they ever tell us this?",Depression +23504,"I grew up wishing I would been aborted instead of adopted. My adopted mother beat me, sometimes so badly I could not walk. I would pray at night for god to make me never exist but those thoughts and prayers would just get me beaten again. It took me awhile to realize that monster would wait at the door and listen in and then come back in and beat me again because I wanted to not exist.So I stopped saying that audibly but I never stopped thinking it.I met my birth mother about 20 years ago. I met my birth father only about 2 years ago because I was lied to initially about who he was. I get why she lied, she was raped and did not want the family to know if was a friend. She should have aborted me.I thought somewhere along the line of doing life's usual things that I would find it has meaning. So I got married, had kids, got dogs, etc.What I have found is that the desire to have never existed never goes away. Life does not ever seem to have more or less meaning. I never feel more or less. Not even beating cancer when I was 19 did it.To be honest, about the only thing that I ever \*really\* cared about was my wife and family. She told me about 8 years ago she does not love me anymore. I have lost my mom, dad, brother, I have no one left and I cannot get over this anger at my kids that my wife and I had a great relationship before kids and then it ended. It had to be doomed, but it was great while it lasted. 8 years of living knowing your wife does not love you. I am still here for now because I choose to love her even though she does not love me.I stopped taking care of myself about 8 years ago. I am going through life doing the motions that a normal person might do but I am not normal. I should have never existed. In my dislike of living I fear that I am hurting those around me. Not physically. I can just tell. I feel like everyone I know would be better off if I was gone. Maybe they could find happiness if I was not stopping them. Just never should have been here",Suicidal +23505,Anybody want to message directly? Long or short term does not matter. I just feel like shit. DM anyone,Depression +23506,"I have suffered depression my entire life, but from 2017 - 2020 I finally felt like I had conquered it. Then COVID hit and I had to isolate. I had to work from home and it felt like I lost my life.Now that vaccines are available and things are starting to return to some normalcy, I just cannot snap out of the COVID depression I went into. I am completely unable to function at work and am getting into trouble. I have lost all my confidence and desire to do anything other than sleep.My previous depressions were always drug related. Either taking my meds incorrectly, or dabbling in drugs that threw me overboard. This time around, there are no drugs. I am doing everything I can to be healthy. Good diet. Try to get good sleep. Tons of exercise. But nothing is snapping me out of it.Maybe it is the WFH thing that has me down. As much as I hate commuting to work I just cannot seem to focus or think anymore. Never had that issue in the office.My workplace is now putting things on me that I cannot handle. I am so stressed Constantly and have no confidence nor desire to do any of the work. I want to just give my 2 weeks and walk away but I am terrified I will not find another job since my qualifications have always been lacking. But how much longer can I take the stress? At some point I am going to be driven over the edge. Whether that be next week or 3 months from now. But I am too scared to look for another job with how I am feeling. What will be different anywhere else? My career is a challenging one and I do not feel up for the challenge anymore. I do not know if it is just COVID or if I have just changed as a person. Is it just a matter of going back into work and feeling like a functional member of society again? Does anyone else feel this way? COVID depression has made me unable to function. Anyone else experience this?",Depression +23507,I feel so hopeless So lonely,Suicidal +23508,Hate it when i feel like I am giving it my all to something or towards people but get no end result Fuck life,Depression +23509,"Every day I find myself experiencing a sense of insufferable emotional anguish. Even though I give my best effort every day and am much farther in life than I used to be, I am always wishing that there was something more that I could do to make my life seem worth living. Yet, I never know what that ""something"" is. It is almost like I am trapped in every area of my life (my body, my emotions, my family, my relationships, my finances etc.) with no escape. I often dream of running far away with someone random that would change my life forever. I know this is incredibly unrealistic and from what I am learning, it is beneficial to practice mindfulness and find enjoyment in the ordinary. I have tried creating a gratitude's list, in addition to approaching everyday events at face value, but it all feels like it is in vain. The only time I am comfortable with the mundane is when I am incredibly depressed and find solace in the thought of death. Does anyone else feel this way? Are there any strategies that you guys have found to help escape feeling trapped in your life? How do you deal with wanting more from life?",Depression +23510,"I cheated on my now ex. I hid the fact that I was talking to two other people. I went on a few dates with one of them. Nothing sexual or physical ever happened with either, but I cheated through and through. I lied to my ex so many times, right to their face. Even now I have not come clean. I ruined a great relationship for no good reason and really hurt someone. I do not think I can ever live this down or forgive myself for what I did. I cheated",Suicidal +23511,"Hi all. I think I might be on the verge of Suicide. I feel like I have run out of options. I do not live in a country that has free medical care (I cancelled my private insurance) and public hospitals are the most frightening thing ever here. (I live in a 3rd world country where if you go to a public facility you get abused/mistreated etc)I started taking antidepressants a few years ago for anxiety as it is what my partner wanted me to do as they were a Doctor and I had bad anxiety since a kid. We broke up, but I found it hard stop taking the meds as when I did I got terrible withdrawals. But eventually the side effects got so bad (I went to a Psychiatrist and tried various antidepressants but I just got worse and worse) that I decided to quit taking them and that was last September. The withdrawals were crazy and I felt super depressed after stopping them even though I tapered. A few months ago as I was still struggling so I booked myself into a rehab(super expensive) that dealt with coming off psychiatric medication. Worst idea ever, It was in the middle of nowhere and I was put with hardcore drug addicts and I cldnt just leave, plus it was semi-cultish. It was the scariest experience ever and now since leaving I still have the problems with withdrawal plus now I am traumatized and I have terrible sensations in my body as a result. Totally screwed up I knw. Anyway, I cannot do this anymore. I have tried reaching out to family but they are not really the helping type. I have pretty much been on my own since kid (ie having to be my own parent) and I am surprised I have even made it this far.I have written my goodbye note. Bought some gear. I have decided I am going to hike to the middle of nowhere and just die. Unfortunately my country has no social security and I feel so shitty I cannot possibly hold down a job. Plus in my country If you get a basic job like working at McDonald's you are pretty much living in a shack in dire poverty as it pays way to little to survive. I have some savings but I have decided that there is little it can do for me. I have lost my will to carry on fighting. In any case, I realised that with it I can actually make a difference in other people's lives instead on wasting it on mine. there is enough to build a house for a friend in Nepal, enough to send a girl in rural India to school and look after all her needs until she graduates, and enough to donate to a religious organization to do something substantial. I feel if I spend any more of it on me I am taking away from what it cld give someone else. I am also just tired and do not feel like I can get better. I feel completely alone and isolated. I used to be very social but lately I have withdrawn. I really think this is it. My biggest fear is becoming a ghost. I have been praying alot but I feel hopeless. I think I have got another day or two left in me. I tried to withdrawal all my money today so I cld donate it but I was told I have got a 24hr lock on my savings so I have to wait for that. I just pray that in my next life things are better. I have tried to live a good life I really have and always tried to live morally.So I am open to suggestions. This feels like it though. I would previously thought of suicide but never come this far before as to plan everything and decide where my money's going and how I will die etc. I have also left my apartment and am staying in a hotel close to the mountains and cut myself off from the world.Thanks in advance :) I am pretty sure this is the end. Any advice?",Suicidal +23512,(First post ever so uh bear with me?)Well. Honestly title says it all. I have always had an off and on relationship with depression and I go to counseling but sometimes it gets harder to deal with. Usually its just random times here and there and I can push past it. This time its feeling harder. I am losing a lot of my motivation and want to even do things. I am tired so much of feeling like this. The last time I spiraled I got into a really bad place and I do not ever want to do that again but i just do not know how to keep pushing this all away? I feel like I am spiraling again.,Depression +23513,&#x200B;My depressed friend two weeks ago told me that its better for us to stop talking and asked me to stop texting her because she thinks she is toxic. After that I told her I do not find her toxic and that I am grateful for having her in my life. I went a week without talking with her at all then I talked to her at the gym as if nothing happened. Fast forward a week I texted her saying I was thinking of her since I had not seen her at the gym. She replied me normally. was it the depression clouding her mind when she asked me to not talk to her again ? Did I do the right thing ?,Depression +23514,"You want to off yourself, I want to off myself... let us keep each other okay for a bit. I do not want to die I just do not want to he here anymore. I have made the most gut wrenching choice of my life so far and its killing me every day since. I have lost my entire support system and have no where to turn. I need to talk to someone. Anyone. And maybe if you are reading this you might need someone to offload on, too. Maybe we can distract each other with our respective woes. Maybe we can help each other make it through the rest of the day.Anyway. I am here. you are here. let us talk. Commiserating Buddy",Suicidal +23515,"I do not want anyone to take me there. I am not going i get in a car with a stranger. Can you relate? If so, what would you do. What did you do? What can I do? I am having suicidal thoughts. I have been hurting myself. I hurt others around me. I have gone psycho. He.. he even called me psycho. He called me deranged. HE CALLED ME DERANGED. I cannot. I am ruining my room. I just want to. Ry. Imsoat. Part of me wants to cry in his arms too and I HATE THAT. Vent rant",Suicidal +23516,"there is not enough ways to say what is happening. Been brought up with sexual, mental and physical abuse. Today I was at a clinic that said I had depression, anxiety, personality disorder and traits of schizo typal autism. I feel horrid. I feel that I am making drama but also feel at the end of it Had a clinic assesment today and I feel worthless right now",Depression +23517,"Literally. I feel like everything around me is higher than usual. The ceiling is further up, things that are usually at my eye level appear to be taller. Its very disorienting. Am I getting dragged deeper into rock bottom or...? I am sinking in",Depression +23518,"i [15m] do not have a bad life, i should not have any serious problem like depression or anything like that, i do not suffer or feel anguished all day long. But I cannot get the thought of killing myself out of my head. I feel lazy to do anything, I feel like my future is going to be shit because of it, I am a horrible person and I have no prospect of life. I cannot get along with strangers, I crash, I cannot talk. I like being alone and I like being lazy, staying all day doing nothing, every day, and it is been like this for the last 2 years. But even though I like doing nothing, it makes me feel like shit. I feel like my life will come down to doing nothing because I think I am going to kill myself when something goes wrong i do not suffer but i want to die",Suicidal +23519,"Hey all, I am about to rant. I take Viibryd. My doctor is either negligent or malicious and I am not sure which it is. I have told her very explicitly that when I do not take it(either by accident or because she does not ever answer the phone calls from the god damn pharmacy!) I have a serious reaction. Like horrible nausea and debilitating anxiety and depression. I told her I did not want to take it anymore for this reason. She kept telling me but you are doing so good on it, why do not you get a pill box so you can make sure you take 1 every day.I got a pill box, I take exactly one every day. But this month, when I called in my refill, its been stuck on Needs prescriber approval for 4 days. I text her to tell her this because I only have two days left of my medication and she said she will look into it. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. Look into it. Its like almost offensive how flippant that is. Especially when it comes to a fucking mental health professional. What, do I have threaten to kill myself or something for them to take my concerns seriously?If she does not call the pharmacy by tomorrow I will not have my medication for the entire weekend. I have a huge project to work on over the weekend. Ergo I am fucked. Why cannot I just refill my fucking medication? Its been exactly 28 days, I have two left. I am not abusing them, I am not doing anything. I have a legitimate prescription from a legitimate doctor. Can someone who speaks pharmacist/doctor bullshit please translate the issue here? What the hell does Dr. Authorization Required mean for medications and why is my doctor so negligent?",Depression +23520,"Hi all. I think I might be on the verge of Suicide. I feel like I have run out of options. I do not live in a country that has free medical care (I cancelled my private insurance) and public hospitals are the most frightening thing ever here. (I live in a 3rd world country where if you go to a public facility you get abused/mistreated etc)I started taking antidepressants a few years ago for anxiety as it is what my partner wanted me to do as they were a Doctor and I had bad anxiety since a kid. We broke up, but I found it hard stop taking the meds as when I did I got terrible withdrawals. But eventually the side effects got so bad (I went to a Psychiatrist and tried various antidepressants but I just got worse and worse) that I decided to quit taking them and that was last September. The withdrawals were crazy and I felt super depressed after stopping them even though I tapered. A few months ago as I was still struggling so I booked myself into a rehab(super expensive) that dealt with coming off psychiatric medication. Worst idea ever, It was in the middle of nowhere and I was put with hardcore drug addicts and I cldnt just leave, plus it was semi-cultish. It was the scariest experience ever and now since leaving I still have the problems with withdrawal plus now I am traumatized and I have terrible sensations in my body as a result. Totally screwed up I knw. Anyway, I cannot do this anymore. I have tried reaching out to family but they are not really the helping type. I have pretty much been on my own since kid (ie having to be my own parent) and I am surprised I have even made it this far.I have written my goodbye note. Bought some gear. I have decided I am going to hike to the middle of nowhere and just die. Unfortunately my country has no social security and I feel so shitty I cannot possibly hold down a job. Plus in my country If you get a basic job like working at McDonald's you are pretty much living in a shack in dire poverty as it pays way to little to survive. I have some savings but I have decided that there is little it can do for me. I have lost my will to carry on fighting. In any case, I realised that with it I can actually make a difference in other people's lives instead on wasting it on mine. there is enough to build a house for a friend in Nepal, enough to send a girl in rural India to school and look after all her needs until she graduates, and enough to donate to a religious organization to do something substantial. I feel if I spend any more of it on me I am taking away from what it cld give someone else. I am also just tired and do not feel like I can get better. I feel completely alone and isolated. I used to be very social but lately I have withdrawn. I really think this is it. My biggest fear is becoming a ghost. I have been praying alot but I feel hopeless. I think I have got another day or two left in me. I tried to withdrawal all my money today so I cld donate it but I was told I have got a 24hr lock on my savings so I have to wait for that. I just pray that in my next life things are better. I have tried to live a good life I really have and always tried to live morally.So I am open to suggestions. This feels like it though. I would previously thought of suicide but never come this far before as to plan everything and decide where my money's going and how I will die etc. I have also left my apartment and am staying in a hotel close to the mountains and cut myself off from the world.Thanks for reading I think this is it",Suicidal +23521,"I am 15 and have been depressed for years not told a single person out of a combination of fear and humiliation,my family is extremely insensitive to metal disorders,I do not want to reach out to an adult because my family would find out ,technology is one of the few things that keep me sane and that would all be either destroyed or sold , I have considered talking to a close friend about it so I have someone Ik to talk to I do not know how he feels about metal problems. I fear he would tell somebody and only make it harder.the only way to get a therapist would be to inform my parents I am sick of being alone",Depression +23522,"I feel like fucking Sisyphus, repeating the same cycle over and over again never making a single inch of progress. I feel a few brief days of clarity where I feel like life might just be worth living, and almost like I am capable of dealing with my own thoughts. But it piles up so so fast. As soon as I let one negative thought in, I am drowning within a day. I have been a complete and utter failure this year, moved out so I was not a financial burden on my family. But I am now costing them more than I was when I was living at home. I do not have any reason to feel this way, but I am just so tired of existing. I do not know what to do at this point, I have been struggling with depression since I was 12, going on 7 years now, self harm for about 6. But no matter how hard I try, every single day I think about cutting, or ending my life and I do not feel like Ill ever get a break. I always thought I would be dead by 18 and now that I have made it I do not know what to do. I do not see myself growing old, having a future, I have just always thought I was either going to kill myself or OD. Any time I relapse I just see this sadness in my families eyes, they love me and this is the problem. I cannot bear letting them down anymore. I do not know what to do. Every single time I feel like I am getting better I slip again",Depression +23523,"I just want to do it, but I cannot.So I tried doing hobbies that will make me happy, but instead I got criticized by my parents. I wanted to try cooking, but I failed. They told me I could not cook well at all and that my food tasted like shit along with telling me to throw it all away. It made me upset and angry. I was trying my best to cook, I put most of my energy for today in there, now, I just want to die again. I am really not good for anything at all with or without trying. I have been trying to cook for months now, but I always fail. Then I cannot draw (tried for 7 years), I cannot Sing (I tried for 7 years), I cannot play an instrument (tried for 5 years), and honestly. I am talentless. I suck at everything I do no matter the work I put in. Man. I cannot even die either, I failed at that multiple times. I seriously just suck at everything. They say the practice is what helps you get to your goal, but I see no difference, I am right where I started, in the beginning. The only thing I am able to do best is breathing although I do not want to. I am trying.",Suicidal +23524,Honestly that is all. I do not even want to explain. I want to die,Depression +23525,"i guess it is too late to chicken out now, I have got the thing all ready. i wish i had an actual reason to stay, nothing stupid like hope for the future. any reason to stick around? i think not",Suicidal +23526,"Everything has caught up with me and the good in life is behind me i did not want to turn out this much of a self obsessed little fucking narcissist but every day I am just fucking scraping against the world and I am so tired of it fucking hurting so much, I have overdrawn everyone in my life already and who wants to hear yet another of my tantrums I just want everything to stop I wish I could go back and make it different I am so sick of going out into the world and pretending but i already burned through all my money last time i was a fucking baby who was boo hoo too depressed to work i do not see what the point of a self preservation instinct is, even if there is still good ahead the world is ending right? Why bother hurting? In the long run they will be better off without me and I know they will see it too Everything has caught up",Suicidal +23527,"do not nees people telling me not to do it, just need methods what is the easiest way to kill yourself",Suicidal +23528,"I am a 16(m) living in the UK, I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for around 2 years, I have attempted suicide multiple times but failed (I am not sure if I am happy I failed or upset), all I want is just for my suffering to be over and to feel happy again, but it seems like it will never happen. I do not need help or sympathy, I just want to help others like me, if you are suffering and need someone to talk to (which I imagine you are if you are reading this) please let me know I am always happy to help :) I do not care who you are, but I care about you and I am here for you :)",Suicidal +23529,"Exactly 3 years ago I made the worst choice of my life, causing me to break down and think about suicide. My therapys are not helping me and the only people who I had are leaving me. I will be committing this week. I have had enough no suitable title",Depression +23530,"The thought of being able to end it all gives me a sense of relaxation. I am just not brave enough to do so. I wish I had a fast and painless way to kill myself, like a lethal injection. I am loving the idea of suicide",Depression +23531,Has anyone started lexepro and started getting muscle tremors? Is this normal ? Tremors,Depression +23532,"All I want to see now is the world end. I hope all life gets wiped, and everything on this planet dies. I am sick of seeing the suffering in everyday life. If there was a button to make everything on this planet disappear, I would press it. The bad in life, outweighs the good in it. I want to die with the worldI'm sorry, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Yup, I am beyond saving. I am mentally damaged",Depression +23533,"So, where to begin. I checked in on this profile which I have not done in ages, and saw my old suicidal posts from three years ago. If I would done that a year ago I would have been shocked to see how depressed I was. Now, that seems like an understatement. So, what happened? Well, it is the old story that keeps repeating itself, I managed to find a woman, we fell in love, I moved into her house pretty quickly because I was basically living out of my car at the time. She has a beautiful house in the countryside, with a huge garden and two dogs. I loved living there, finally feeling happy and at ease with myself. She encouraged me to go back to uni, and I did, and did pretty well. Even managed to get some new friends. Life was good. Then my grandmother died of cancer about 3 months into the relationship. I was devastated since we were very close. But I did not turn to drugs and alcohol like I would have in the past. Because I had her. She helped me through that trauma like a real trooper. Then summer came and it was the best summer of my life. While the whole world was going crazy over Corona, I was just mowing the lawn, playing with the dogs, and cuddling with the woman I love. We even started thinking of getting married. At my birthday party all my old friends were there and everyone seemed so proud that I would managed to get my life back together, and ""grow up"" so to speak. I started back at uni in the fall, and things went well. I managed through the skin of my teeth to pass all the courses. Christmas came, and she had to work, but at least we would get to celebrate New Years together. It was just us, but it was the perfect NYE celebration. I will not go into details because I will fucking kill myself if I think about how happy we were. New year, next level uni courses. I felt overwhelmed at the level required. I started slipping behind, but I did not tell her, I kept a straight face. Of course she found out I was lagging behind. I do not really know what happened next.I took her out for a Valentine's day lunch at a really nice restaurant, and from that moment, something felt off. She never said anything but I could feel it. She did not want to be intimate with me. She was just...not there. I could sense from that point that this was going in the wrong direction. I tried so hard to get her to communicate with me what was wrong, but to no avail. She started neglegting the house and just playing video games all day when she was not working. So I picked it up. Made dinner every night, did the dishes, all the housework, took care of the dogs etc. And kept falling further and further behind in school. It got to the point where I was so exhausted I just broke down and begged her to tell me what we can do to get back to where we were. No response. Then came the day I knew was going to come. She told me to get my stuff and get out. I had a week to find a new place. Her best friend was going to move in instead. And so, in two seconds my whole world fell apart. I was back where I was two years earlier, just older and with more student debt. Thankfully I had my family there to support me, but I was just in a state of shock. I knew we had our problems, but jesus christ, why could not we try to work through them? I certainly was willing to. So, I became homeless, again, reaching 30. Dropped out of school, lost touch with all my newfound friends, and moved into a dorm that has been remade into sorta like a halfway-house. I resisted at first, but of course I broke my two year sobriety now that I was back in my small hometown, where everybody knows everything. Now, I had no money, no job, no friends, absolutely hate living where I live, and have become a hermit. I am too ashamed to show my face around here. So, I take drugs, sleep all day, sit up wanting to blow my brains out every night. did not help that the police arrested me twice in a month either. So now they are probably going to repo my car, my most beloved belonging. I am not allowed to see the dogs, she is basically ghosted me, and I just cannot take the pain anymore. Every time I wake up a wave of utter despair and sadness washes over me. I live in filth, because who fucking cares. Nothing lasts in the end. And I have got rent due, car insurance, probably two fines around 1000$ each, and a drug habit once again. I do not want to play this game anymore, where we fool ourselves into thinking life is good, when tragedy is always lurking in the shadows. Dear God I wish I had a gun so I could just end this pathetic, miserable existence. I guess I will get some fentanyl and OD. Seems like the easiest way out. I have had a good life. Facebook keeps reminding me that 10 years ago I was backpacking through Asia with my best friends. 7 years ago I was living abroad having the time of my life. But since 2016, it is been pretty much nothing but downhill. And since I cannot get a job with a criminal record + crap economy overall, how TF am I supposed to get through this? Just get me a gun for Christ sake. I cannot take it no more. See ya on the other side, where there is no more pain. If only I had a gun, or could get one, I would not be here today",Suicidal +23534,"TL;DR: Boyfriend is having trouble understanding I need space to work on my mental health, but always leads the discussions to how he is affected by my mental state. Am I the asshole? Title pretty much says it all. I have been having a really bad time with my mental health, I am trying my best to navigate it in life but it is very hard. I have done therapy and medications for years to alleviate the symptoms. My bf also has had extensive experience with his own mental health struggles so he is no stranger to it. My boyfriend is my rock, and has been for the 4ish years we have been together. he is helped me through a lot, and I have supported him through tough times too. We got engaged 1 year ago. he is the most important person present in my life, I do not have many people I trust. However, this time around my mental state has been possibly worse than it is ever been since we have been together. The last month it is caused a big rift and lots of arguments. I have barely had the energy to look after myself, and work is demanding for me when I can manage to go. My bf works a lot more than me, and always needs some attention or something for us to do together after a long day. He supports us a lot right now financially so of course I try my best to put in effort. But there are days I cannot manage to do anything at all besides lay in bed or stare into a book instead of focusing on the outer world around me, and he when that happens he gets upset that I do not give him attention or sit next to him on the couch while he watches t.v. at least. I have explained to him over and over, I am dealing with stuff, literally going day by day to try and not kill myself. But it always circles back to, what about HIS needs? What did he do to make me feel so bad? Did I talk to someone that triggered stuff, or did something happen to make the world fall apart??? What about all he does for me? Why am I not paying attention to him? Am I not grateful? All of this ultimately boils down to our past with issues of commitment, and the grand question of; Am I going to leave him?? I am trying my best to look after the needs of the relationship but I also need to focus on myself a bit more and my life outside of our relationship to try to not end up hanging myself.... is that so bad?? it is so exhausting... can I not be upset or have a bad day without it totally affecting him as well? I feel guilty for feeling like shit lately. Sometimes I think I should just leave so that he will go to therapy and become better for himself, I do not know if that is what I want or if that is my depression talking... I just do not understand or know what to do. I am tired of going in circles and I feel so guilty for it on top of everything. Am I being unreasonable, am I the asshole here??? Struggling to balance my mental health needs and my relationship",Depression +23535,#NAME?,Depression +23536,I worked out twice hard and long today. Meditated. Should feel a bit better right? Nope. My face is ugly no matter how buff I get. I am pissed the fuck off. Too miserable inside to ever love or date. I got bad anger issues man ffs. Fuck this life it hurts so much! Have too many demons and they constantly try to haunt me no matter how much I talk about it. I hate my fucking life,Depression +23537,"Mine feels like there is bugs crawling behind my eyes slowly eating away at my brain, combined with a suffocating sensation. My body feels really weak too, whereas before the depression I loved lifting weights.What does yours feel like? What does your depression feel like from a purely physical perspective?",Depression +23538,"Right I know this is going to sound like the biggest gurn ever but I really feel like I just need to get it off my chest.At the time of writing, I am 20 years of age. I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and we have been living together for one year. And I thought I was happy but I have looked back on my life recently and its filled with so many regretsWhen I was 18 my family and I got kicked out of our house because the person we were renting off decided to sell it, leaving us homeless. My mum and dad were able to stay at my sisters house and I was able to stay at my girlfriends. We thought we had it sorted in 3 weeks but it turned into 6 months before we got a house. The whole time I was working in a bar doing long, late shifts and I was not sleeping properly and constantly being sick because of it.We got a house sorted and three months later covid hit. I was put on furlough for three months before opening again. Just before I went back to work, myself and my girlfriend got our own place to live together. But things were not good whenever I went back to work She worked most mornings and I was always on the evening shifts so we never really got to see each other. I came home to her crying so many times and it was making me depressed because I felt so bad leaving her all the time . I then decided to find a new job to keep her happy and now I am in a job I do not like but i was able to finish at 5 so it made her happyA year has now passed and I feel like I am trapped. I feel like I have spent the last 3 years doing stuff to make her happy and not doing anything for my self and because of this I have seen so many opportunities pass me by because all I wanted to do was to make her happy because she took me into her home whenever I was homeless and I feel like I owe her so much for potentially keeping me alive. I do not want to see her upset but at the same time I am only 20.I feel like there is so much that I want to do before I get old. I do not want to waste my twenties in a relationship I am not sure I want to be in anymore but at the same time I am so scared to be alone because I do not think anyone else will ever want to be with me I wish I could just pack my bags and move to the other side of the world and start my life fresh and not tell anyone where I was going.I am sorry for such the long story I love yous all Trapped..",Depression +23539,"I am tired of feeling lonely,I am tired of crying,I am tired of suicidal thoughts,I am tired of everything.. I am tired..",Suicidal +23540,"I have been so numb for the last two days. All I do is sleep, and eat because I am pregnant and I do not want my kid to die. But in a few months I can give her up and end it. Id be a terrible mom. I just wish I knew this all sooner. I was so dumb for believing otherwise. I feel dead already",Suicidal +23541,"I am just an afterthought to everyone around me, I may as well already be a ghost. I am just fucking done. People shame me for wanting attention like sorry I just want it to seem like someone actually gives a shit about me for once in my life lol. Well, one day I will get the courage to end it, but it will probably be after my mom dies. No one really cares about me",Suicidal +23542,I just wanted an easy life in the beginningI know people who are born rich and privileged and do not have depressionWhy could not I be born as one of them? Fuck life No I do not want to be told I am strong or I have been through a lot,Suicidal +23543,"I am not entitled to anything - seemingly not even love. Everyone deserves to be loved. Its essential for us to be able to thrive. I love people but I do not know if people love me.I was used and ridiculed for my depression. I am always told it will get better- There are people so much older than me who are suicidal and have been for a long time. Yeah, It can get better, but nothings ever perfect. You just need to change your mindset - How can I? People are mean. I cannot just smile and brush it off. It cuts deep. Everything hurts so bad. I do have people I love and do not want to leave. Also, the cute little ducks and stuff. I am thinking maybe they would be better off without me though Why should not I kill myself",Suicidal +23544,"Recently diagnosed myself with NPD, (narcissistic personality disorder) because it makes sense after a lot of research and reading on here. I am 22, and I feel like I have just woken up to the shit show that is who I am and i hate myself. I cannot think straight and I feel like I cannot go forward. I do not want to be here. I do not want to live a life of inevitable suffering and I really do not want to hurt anyone else, because I have and now I am so aware of myself and I cannot escape the prison of my own self. I want to die , but it would hurt my family so badly and I do not think I am brave enough to do it, perhaps in the most painless way I could. I think that knowing I could kill myself gives me some kind of comfort, just feel pure emptiness. Not sure anymore.",Suicidal +23545,"he told me that he has dreams a lot of me just leaving him or something, but what really got me was that he described in one of his dreams that i leave him and just disappear. i just immediately thought about me killing myself because of how much pain I have been going through lately. i have not told anybody really about how i feel, everybody in my household just assumes that I am moody. i wish i could say something but apart of it makes me think ill make everything worse. I am scared. i do not want to commit suicide because I am afraid of the pain, not as much the emotional distress ill impact on my loved ones. but what he said woke up something inside me. i feel fucking terrible for feeling terrible. i feel like such a shitty partner too. i have not been enjoying sex, feeling many emotions at all. I am so numb and there is no way out of this. my meds do not work, I am too scared of opening up to mental health professionals for being dumped into a mental hospital for the 3rd time. I am beyond fucked in life. it gets better for me for a bit, then everything turns to shit. my partner told me one of their dreams and it broke my heart",Suicidal +23546,"Here I go posting again I am so desperate at this point. I have not slept in a week and I am resisting the urge of overdosing so badly right now the pills are infront of me but I have to wake up in 4 hours to go to an internship that I fucking despise for so so little money for the tough and difficult job I am doing and when I return from that internship I work again for 6 more hours. So I work 16-17 hours a day with a tiny break I cannot keep fighting with these mental illnesses no more I am not going to get paid for two months because of the dumbass fucking accountant at my job I am so fucking sad I need money for my medication but I cannot buy it I only have 20 and need money for food, bus tickets for work and 6 different medications and I do not have enough money my job sucks ass because I deal with filthy rich people all day that think I am some sort of slave and I am just going to do it right now I guess that is it I even called the suicide hotline and it does not help it is time for the curtains to close I am out of here I am done I am so tired my soul needs to rest finally from all the things I am going through for so long I am done and that is just it goodnight Idk",Suicidal +23547,"I already struggle with constant depression, lethargy, and annoyance. The one thing that gets me through it is going for walks and getting some sun. Its therapeutic, good for my health, and truly allows me to feel at peace. These last two weeks I have had literally only a few days without rain or clouds, and the days that were sunny were during the heatwave and it was too humid to enjoy the walk. I live in New England so this weather is ridiculous. I feel like I just cannot catch a break.Every day I get more irritable and depressed. The weather exacerbated my symptoms and I honestly cannot handle another week like this. I feel so tired and sad This constant rain is literally going to kill me",Depression +23548,"Hi. First off, I am really sorry to put this on whomever is reading this right now. I am not feeling great and I think I just need to feel reassured that I am. Not going mad. I do not have any friends who are likely awake to turn to and its honestly a sensitive matter. I went out with my wife and a friend of hers this evening. During the course of the night the friend revealed that my wife had spoken to her and been less than complimentary about the attractiveness of my ass.A little hurtful, considering she is normally complimentary about it to my face, but no big deal, right? I mean, nobody is perfect.However, when I raise the point that it is not a particularly nice thing to hear, I am met with ""Well I only said that because..."" essentially making it my fault.This hurt. Like... I feel completely invalidated. she is essentially taken how I feel and dismissed it, even turning it around to make it somehow my fault that she made the comment in the first place.Since then (about 2 hours ago) I have been thoroughly distressed and honestly having to resist the urge to self harm, biting my fingers and slapping myself, etc.she is now asleep and I honestly do not know what to do. I feel awful and honestly betrayed at the response I have received but at the same time stupid for being so hurt over something so seemingly trivial. Am I over reacting? I feel like I should bring it up in the morning, but honestly I am scared that I will just end up feeling this way again or worse.Thank you to everyone reading this. Seeking validation",Depression +23549,"This year by far has been my darkest year, ever. Earlier in February, I lost my dad who was my rock. I could rely on him for anything. As soon as I lost him, I had to grow up fast. 5 months later, just as I felt I was getting better and coming to terms with everything, I get into A FUCKING CAR ACCIDENT leaving my car totaled.The police report has not come back yet, but I am betting that I am going to be the one at fault since our state laws basically say ""fuck you"" to anyone that rear ends another car, without the slightest curiosity for the full story. My insurance company wants to call my car a total loss and give me $3500 for it.Now, I am stressed out as fuck because I have to rent an apartment now for a year lease which goes for $800 a month which means $9600 for the whole year not including all the other shit I have to pay for (gas, food, etc). Fuck this shit man, why does life have to be this way. I want to fucking curl up and die. I cannot take anymore bad shit happening to me this year, I want to cry",Depression +23550,"i used to read studies about depression, so anything that has come out within the last 4+ years i have not seen. from what i recall, the most effective ways for treating major depressive disorder (in general) included therapy and prescription medication. this is obviously a broad statement.I have taken prescription medications (SSRIs) and have dealt with all of the side effects. at the time, i was also in therapy. I have felt numb (when the drugs were supposedly working). I have had the ""head in the clouds"" feeling consistently. coming off of each SSRI was a nightmare. brain zaps/shocks, major suicidal tendencies, detachment, etc. it was brutal.right now, family is encouraging me to get some sort of help. i admit I am at a really really low point in my life. (if you saw me, you could not tell. I am in excellent shape, have a decent demeanor and engage positively with everyone.) it is extremely hard going back on prescription medication. i have not found anything that has really worked well. wellbutrin kind of/sorta helped. I have been in therapy (weekly) in the past. has it helped? kind've? so the alternative is being how i am at this moment. 46M, no job, no relationship, living at the base of a beautiful mountain but severely depressed and suicidal. i never plan on having kids because of said problems.my opinion on society has degraded quite significantly over the years. I have lost any sort of joy, contentment, happiness, for anything in life.i feel like I am just throwing myself into an unsolvable puzzle. I am at a loss, really. unsolvable puzzle",Depression +23551,"the suicidal thoughts are back, i feel so lonely and alone i cannot sit still :/ all my friends ignore me and basically put someone else in the friend group, and even if i try gathering online friends, they just do not like talking to me and end up walking away. i do not have good parents, and the other day i dreamt of having lovers and now I am extra extra lonely. i was getting slightly better but I am back to gut wrenching thoughts, and being stuck in the house everyday is not helping either. i cannot even stand up to do anything productive unlike last week when i was already doing so well. i cannot stand it anymore aaaagzhwhdb n man",Suicidal +23552,"In this time I sent nudes to some random dude who was old, even though I did not even want to.. he did not pressure me, I just did it? Also found a dom on Reddit and sexted him for two days.. i think I convinced him I was really into him.. I also sent him many nudes and got involved in his idea of playing or something.. I literally have no interest In that.. I do not know why I did it?? I did not eat either?? I just randomly snapped out of it there What have I done? I have a boyfriend so this was actively cheating I do not know why I did this.. I have literally been with him for four years !! I am falling into a really strange mental state and I am unsure of what to do I dissociated and stayed in bed for two days 20/f",Depression +23553,"let us not kid ourselves, life is pointless, and the prospect of death is enough to justify suicide for any person. Why must you pretentiously instil false hope into those who have realized the simple truth; that existence is inherently vain. In death there is potential, risk and uncertainty. In life there is potential, risk, uncertainty, and a constant: consciousness. Some suffer from being conscious, some benefit off it. But why keep those who are suffering from it alive? There is no point, even if there is potential for them to eventually get better, it will not matter in the end according to the laws of the world. If you are suffering; end it. If not; live. it is that simple, do not bother thinking about it. No need to prolong suffering for the sake of potential, potential of a life that is vain to begin with. Trust nothing, nothing is certain, literally. We live in a paradox, nothing makes sense. Kill me.",Suicidal +23554,"It all started when I have this dream: basically I spawned in a beach and I had to participate in a taekwondo competition, but before I went to the bathroom and I get lost, but in the sea I see that one of my friends(virtual friends) has make a documentary about interned friends and I was not included, then I retured to the taekwondo thing and when I was about to participate I wake up. This was bascially because one of my friends(my friends girlfriend), we do not know anything about her since october and she was nice, and yesterday I was checking the profile and she made a post in august where it said(thanks for keeping up with me or something like that) and she tagged everyone but me, I think everything is my fault because she probably suicided but at the same time I think its not, I mean, I am very insecure about what to say and what to think, I always regret the idea of being me the culpable, but I live with the feeling, it is probably me at adolescence or that I am very open to people, and the friend that make a documentary has being my friend for more than a year and a half, but the thing that scares me is the fact that she is under 16, I do not know his boyfriends age but he is always saying, for example:-She:can you give me a hamburger? -He:I am not giving you anything, and she is like ok, I mean, I do not know if they hang out like that or it is just me being an entitled parent, I never liked to swear, actually I never swear, and in spanish language we have ""dichos"", dichos are like: I killed 2 birds with one stone, a word is enough to the wise, well we have a dicho that says: it is not your work to fix or solve someone elses life because you are ot enjoying your life, and I am like, yes but no, I think it is only the adolescence because when I discovered one of my favorite streamers I felt a little bit better, but with the dream I remembered that actually my life has suck,I am thinking I am worth nothing, probably because the people around my life suck too, I wanted to try basetball when I was 5 and they told me I was too young, I wanted to try robotics when I was 6 but I was too small(they tought I could not read lmao), my mom says that I am smart, but smart in what, I really do not know my purpose, I had suicidal thoughts(when I was 11), and now I do not want them to get back but it is inevitable, I just hate myself for being to lazy, probably that is why people discriminate me, because I am a fat upset boy that wants justice and is doing whatever to get it, some of my friends suck too, I mean, when they are sad I write the whole bible to make them feel better and they say: ok, you are so wise thank you, and that is all but when I am feeling sad they just do not say nothing, they even not congrat me on my birthday, they prefer the guy that insults them than me, I do not know what I am doing wrong, every step I give 1 is correct and 3 are not correct, I just want to live a quiet life, I want to be accepted, I want to stay well, LITERALLY ONE OF MY ONLINE FRIENDS PREFERS A GUY THAT SAYS ""SEX WITH DOGS""AND HAS KNOWN HIM FOR A MONTH THAN ME THAT I ALWAYS GIVE COMFORT AND HAS KNOWN HER FOR 2 YEARS, probably I am taking social media so serius but they always say, omg you are so smart, but AND WHAT? I do not want to be just complimented, I want a friend I think I hate my life",Depression +23555,"I hate having to *need something to do* to live, instead of *wanting something to do* to live.I hate having to consume food for energy.I hate having to spend energy working.I hate having to work so I can live.I hate having to live just to work.&#x200B;I hate that humans have slapped a price tag on everything.I hate that life cannot be experienced as a free trial.I hate that the only way out of this place is to die.I hate that dying is a physically painful experience.I hate that death is emotionally painful to our loved ones.&#x200B;I am tired of being an input-output machine slave for my parasitic body.I am tired of going to sleep wishing to not wake up.I am tired of waking up hoping that life was just a bad dream.I am tired of not being inspired by needs, because I resent the idea of needing.&#x200B;I wish that work was optional just for experiencing luxuries if you desired them.I wish that labor, money, pain, frustration, stress, fear, worry, anxiety, disease, and depression were optional.&#x200B;I do not want to be dead. I just want to exist somewhere for free.I do not want to be a stone. I just want to experience life for free.I do not want to be bored. I just want to learn about life for free.I do not want to be lifeless. I just want to drink water, breathe air, and eat sunlight for free.&#x200B;Maybe in my next life, I could just be a big peaceful tree.Only then to just be cut down and murdered against my will. And have my remains turned into whatever material that conveniences them.So much for my dream of freedom and peace.&#x200B;I hate that the greatest concepts we value the most are just imaginary illusions.Freedom? Illusion.Peace? Illusion.Privacy? Illusion.Love? Illusion.Success? Illusion.God? Illusion.Illusions; all of the ingredients that make up Happiness.Another Illusion. I am tired.",Depression +23556,"i am depressed, so fucking insanely depressed. i have been a sad person all of my life, i present as extremely high functioning and even fool myself sometimes. i have immense amounts of trauma that i cannot fucking process. i have panic attacks every morning. I cannot help but feel hollow inside, completely carved out and like i do not exist. the worst part is when i start to feel like I am trapped inside myself and i start to itch to get out. its overwhelming and it takes everything to keep the feelings from coming. its so much easier to feel nothing and just keep going. does anyone know what i mean? when you feel completely hollow all the time until randomly you start to fill up and almost burst out of your skin? literally like your body is going to explode and you cannot breath? I have no one to talk to, and even if i did what would i want them to say? no amount of help will fix me. I have always been stuck here, i barely exist. i only exist to support others, I am a paycheck for my partner, a body for my job, a failure in every other regard. a pathetic college drop out who put the needs of others first and is left completely empty. i have always looked at myself from the outside, i can remember memories of me watching myself as if i was a movie. i feel dramatic and self centered and at times i want to laugh at myself for how pathetic i am but i just cannot seem to find it in me to feel anything. my body just keeps moving and i just keep watching it, I am never present. if i had control i would end it, i should have ended it years ago. I am so sorry i let it all go on so long. just needed to tell people",Depression +23557,"So bit of background first, I am in my early 20s and diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder, I have been taking 40mg citalopram for the past 7 months. Before that I would been upped from 10mg - 20mg then 30mg-40mg 3 months prior to being on 40mg long term.I do not know where to begin honestly as there is alot i could talk about , i could go on for a while. So i just have one question really. Also kind of a vent but I will try and keep with it.So on and off since I was around 13/14 I have always fantasized my own death, like it was never a common occurrence in my mind but when it did prop up it would stuck for a while (usually from around to 1-2 weeks). At this time I would just think about if I did die, how people would react to it and if it would be worth it.This faded around 16 after I tried to take my own life and had only just started to get help as I had a myriad of things going on in my mind I just could not understand and it frustrated me. As soon as I started college a few months later I had dropped all the help I had been given and then just started to crumble and took to drinking and using drugs.When I inevitably left college after quiting my 2nd year towards the end due to an incident, my mental health went on a huge decline.Everyday I just feel like I am all out of energy, like my own body has given up. I think about past events constantly, wishing I could change them. How things could have been if I did not make one simple choice here and there. Just constant regret playing on a loop in my mind and it is just tormenting. This lead to me thinking about myself dying alot more than I have in the past. In the past 6 months alone it is just been constant, it burdens my mind daily no matter what I do. I cannot find joy in anything at the moment or even stick to a single thing and keep myself motivated as my mind always slips into grim thoughts no matter what.The enjoyment has been stripped from my life, right now it just feels like I am completely lost and idk what to do anymore. The days roll on without me even noticing anymore as I just cannot focus properly.I am getting professional help but I just feel like it is not working anymore, they just speak to me and it is just words that mean nothing really. I have kept to my medication and have tried to follow advice but all motivation is gone.I feel so lost rn, I have no direction. No goal, no motive. No anything really, I do not have a life as its just thoughts and nothing else. Idk what I am asking. Is it normal? Is there any advice you could give? How do I break the cycle of thoughts and just let myself be me, it is getting really hard to like keep having to deal with it day in and day out Question?",Depression +23558,Why did not you tell me you googled about suicide bag? Why did not tell me you have been calling suicide hotline? Why did not you tell me that you had bought the argon gas? Why did you think so little of me that I was not able to save you?I have the solutions now. Why did not you?,Depression +23559,"I fell in love with someone. I thought maybe he could love me, but he hurts too much. He wants to die. He may be leaving me and everything and everyone else right now. I do not know what I am supposed to do, if there is anything I can do. He suffers so much and I feel so selfish for wanting him to live. I keep thinking I want to die with him. I do not have anything to live for really. My life is in shambles... And its only going to get worse. I do not want him to be alone in his last moments... I cannot do that though... I cannot encourage him to die in anyway. I would save him if I could but I am helpless and worthless and I cannot even save myself. I do not make post... I do not know how to ask for help... I do not shout out into the wilderness and hope for salvation. I will probably regrets this later.. I just do not know how to endure this right now. I do not want him too die.",Suicidal +23560,"So today at work around lunch my girlfriend broke up with me and blocked me on everything and told me to leave her alone I had been holding tears back all day and the second I got off I got in my car crying, went to a close parking lot and I have been here bawling for well over an hour she is been one of my only best friends as well as my girlfriend for the better part of 2.5 years and I do not know how I am going to get through this I have already been having suicidal thoughts/actions for a while now and I think this just might be the tipping point. And it is not just thoughts either. Since I put my hand through a glass door and was minutes from dying and lost nearly all use of my hand, I can feel my thoughts vividly like driving full speed and just letting go of the steering wheel and many MANY more. I still get nightmares about that night and keep myself up most nights in pain. The paramedics, cops, ER and trauma unit staff, doctors and nurses all told me and my parents that I should be put into intensive therapy and my parents never cared to. its been over two years (before my now ex, who was the only one who really know and helped me so much) and now I think its boiled over more than ever and I just cannot do this anymore I have no one and nothing left I am sorry to everyone I let down I cannot do this anymore..",Suicidal +23561,"I cannot put up with this for much longer. Ever since April, my crippling hypochondria, depression, and occupational burnout have been absolutely suffocating me. I only feel safe when I am at home lately, which has made me almost completely unwilling to leave the house when I am not at work. I do not really hang out with any of my friends much anymore. I am pretty much agoraphobic now. I am trying therapy, I have been to the doctor six times in three months, but nothing seems to be working. I am giving myself until the new year. If things have not improved, I am done. Five more months",Suicidal +23562,"I am always told that if I want to get better, I have to work towards it. Well I cannot seem to work up the motivation to take those first steps. It seems the longer I do not take care of this, the less motivated I am which continues the cycle. Where do you guys get the motivation to work towards being better?",Depression +23563,"Short time lurker, first time poster. I have (m33) just been diagnosed with depression. I have avoided getting help for quite some time. I have started seeing a therapist, I have a couple of months off work certified. I gave two questions:1) the doctor offered meds but I refused as is prefer to try and tackle this without meds if possible. Should I be considering meds?2) how do I help my family and friends help me? How can I help them understand how I am feeling? Just been diagnosed with depression",Depression +23564,"I am alone and I mean it, I have not left my house besides work for 6 months I am 22 years olds now but when I was like 16/21 I was major manwhore and an a tad bit full of my self thinking I could get any girl I want. Unsurprisingly I ended up with the same type of people like me I mean these kids lived everyday of there lives with 2 goals let us drink or smoke and let us get some p****y. so when I turned 21 had a family issue that resolved but was so fucked up I wanted to go to therapy just to vent and talk to someone that was a frat bro with the IQ of Patrick from sponge bob. While there I brought up the fact I am bisexual and when I was 18ish I finally understood why I was a man whore because I was scared to accept who I am and I was even more scared of anyone else catching on. So the only way I can 100% make sure not one thinks I am bi was to show the world I get it girls, After many sessions and a few months fly by I am therapist got me to understand that there is nothing wrong about what I am and asked me if I was ready to come out of the closet because by this point I was so deep in it I found Narnia. I said Ill think about it I am not really sure.Later the night I was laying in bed and was half asleep still thinking about should I come out etc. I just said F it and posted it then crashed. I woke up the next morning to find all my friends calling me a Fa**ot and my family basically cutting me off. While there was a massive amount of support from randoms on my face book, my friends and familyruined all of it. I was kicked out of my friend group completely they blocked me and kicked me out the group chat because I snapped out when they called me a Fa**ot and my family told me that I was an embarrassment and told me to go change my name because I was no longer part of THERE family. In one day alone I lost everyone I ever cared about and that hurt but what hurt the most was realizing they did not care about me because if Its been like 6 months, no contact form any of them. My birthday was 8 days ago and my mother did not even call. I have tried to make new friends I found someone who was not homophobic as fuck and we always hung out and shit played Xbox but now that its public I am bi he was labeled as a gay guy destroying his reputation and he was constantly bullied and laughed at causing him to stop being friends with me and I truly do not blame him.I did not post this for sympathy so I am sorry if it feels that way, I just needed to tell someone and vent all this sadness and anger I have. I feel like I am invisible yes I am alive and okay for now but I am slowing sinking in to the abyss in front of everyone but no one can hear me so matter how loud I scream. I cannot Believe 2 words to fucking words I am bi can because so much pain How one day and 2 words can drop you off the cliff so deep you cannot even see the light. I do not think Ill ever get out",Depression +23565,"I have tried everything and nothing works, guess Ill kms then I just want to be at peace",Suicidal +23566,"Oh Billy! ... That scene from Midnight Express. or maybe The Cable Guy? either way, that expression says it all. Oh Billy! so dehumanized and pathetic... operating on the basest of instincts! Oh Billy! I will show you my tits so you can jack off to them. Here! forget your troubles in a moment of cheap indulgence! But understand that you know and I know that you are irredeemable. Just so we are clear! Call it an act of kindness. Take the pity. And do not forget to stab the fat Turk on your way out and wear his clothes as a disguise to deliver you home to those you loved... but please understand that those you loved can never love you back the same way. You made it impossible. Oh Billy!",Suicidal +23567,But its too late now Too much trauma It cost me my life I wanted to be happy too,Suicidal +23568,"Nobody responded to my earlier post so I am going to shorten it. In the last few years I lost my house that I owned, my beloved cats through tragedy, my job, and my health. I cannot imagine feeling worse than I possibly can. I will not see a therapist. I do not have any friends. I just sit here in an apartment I hate, and watch TV. What can I do? Please answer this. I Lost Everything I Had",Depression +23569,"My suicide attempt was from my mom threatening to kick me out and I was scared of being homeless. She insists alcohol is my problem and the psych ward is forcing me to take anti alcohol abuse meds I do not want to take. Now I am looking for my own place. I am way happier and it looks like I have a place lined up for August 15th. I want to drink so fuckin bad though and I might be in here for a whole month more... I am just so pissed off because the doctor has me on this medication that essentially stops your body from being able to breakdown alcohol so if I drink it, it will make me very sick. I do NOT want to be on this medication. Instead I want to be on Naltrexone which should stop you from abusing alcohol but I can still enjoy it. The meds they have me on seem like poison. My psychiatrist is trusting what my mom is saying but she has extremely skewed and strong opinions from her own past with drinking so she INSISTS that is what my problem is even though I have never missed a day of work from it and I really enjoy it. What caused me to be here is I literally had two vodka seltzers and she FREAKED THE FUCK OUT so I decided to try try kill myself because I was done. UGH I WANT OUT OF HEREEEEE I have BEEN HERE FOR 3 WEEKS. I need to vent. I am currently in a psych ward for a suicide attempt.",Depression +23570,"Yep, I just completely stopped showing up. Everyday waking you at 6am was pure fucking torture, it was a 12 hour shift and I was basically getting bullied by my coworkers. I overheard some of them making comments about how weird I was and I heard another one make comments about a tic that I have. I always felt like I was being judged by these particular cunts but maybe that is just the anxiety telling me things that are not true.&#x200B;The struggles of being a mentally ill mess I walked away from my job",Depression +23571,"I turn 22 tomorrow. Since then I have dropped out of college, moved in with my sister, and cut off contact with most of the people I knew. It did not get any better. It should not be this hard. Its been another year of laying in my bed, alone, in the dark, waiting for time to pass while wishing I had more. I am nothing. I wish I could be better, I wish I was not a burden. I am sorry to everyone who knows me, and to the person I could have been and the life I could have lived if I had not been so paralyzed. The grief is always unbearable this time of year. Its been a year since I sat crying in my therapists office for my 21st",Depression +23572,"I have no friends, no family, no social interaction since the pandemic. For the past few months I have been dreaming of travelling to Europe and see places I always wanted to see however it starts to look impossible this summer. I have worked hard to earn money for this trip. Soon I have to work term and will not have time do anything. If I do not start working I will probably go into a lot financial trouble. If I do I will probably underperform due to severe depression due to isolation and cannot keep the job. I had suicidal thoughts my whole life and have a few failed attempts. I have been trying to keep my morale high and improving myself greatly past few years however the suicidal thoughts are back since the pandemic are I cannot stand living anymore. Social isolation is literally hell and I really wanted to make that trip to make up for my wasted youth. I really need some advice. I do not want to start working I just want to live a little I think I earned it with all the hardwork I put into my future and my finances. If I start in this mental state I will most likely get fired because I really need a break from what I have been through all my life (abuse from family and not being accepted by others all my life, just as I started to fix what is wrong with me and started making friends for the first time the quarantines started). If I do not financial trouble. Either way I really do not have any hopes for the future anymore suicide is starting to sound rational again. Almost 1.5 years of isolation.",Suicidal +23573,"They were like an inch long. The little things. Next goal, Showering! Trying to get out if my ""great depression"". I finally cut my nails!",Depression +23574,"i donated blood today. idk, it feels nice to be able to help someone else with this body that i hate.also, some blood spurted out when the needle was inserted, and seeing that blood also felt nice. donated blood today",Depression +23575,"I never post on this but I am feeling desperate. After ending an emotionally abusive relationship that exacerbated my depression and anxiety, I am at a point where I have feelings about my feelings lol. In other words I have negative thoughts about my negative feels, and keep beating myself up about them. I am feeling particularly sensitive which makes my response to negativity stronger than usual and I do not like that at all. I am finding that returning to baseline takes longer and the triggers just keep coming. Any advice ? I am exhausted and I am over being depressed :( Stuck in a neurotic loop",Depression +23576,So my girlfriend had some traumatic dating experience. So we had a fight regarding one of the experience and we did not handle it well. We sort of broke up after that but then again patched up. Her past stories kind of hurts me too which is why I cannot listen to them properly and she hesitates as well. So recently she is been feeling really down and got to know that she has depression. I really want to help her go through this phase. Also we cannot afford therapy now. So what should i do to make her feel better and how to deal with her depression. Really need advices My girlfriend has depression and i want to support her in every way I can,Depression +23577,"i live in a nightmare and there is no way out. there is nothing i can do. what is the best way to go in order to minimize my family suffering? it is decided, i just need to find a way to make my family not to suffer",Suicidal +23578,Goodbye guys. Love you I am sorry I was not enough,Suicidal +23579,"You are just overthinking.Relax, you are fine.You need to stay positive.Focus on your life.There nothing called depression, this is sophisticated term from west.I just hate any suggestion who never gone through it. Am I a jerk to think that way? Suggestions from ""normal"" people pisses me off.",Depression +23580,About a year I made a huge mistake and I honestly cannot move on from it. I have really bad anxiety everyday and I just beat myself up for it every single day.I hate myself so much for it. I cannot move on,Suicidal +23581,"I thought I would found a really good new friend, someone I really liked. I had hoped we would be good close friends for a long time but things did not turn out that way. Yet another promising friendship ruined, why does this always happen to me? I trusted them, I opened up to them and they made me look like a damn fool. I am feeling deceived, betrayed, disappointed and really hurt.What did I ever do to deserve all this pain? False hope",Depression +23582,"I do not want to exist on this earth anymore, but am too afraid to kill myself for a few reasons:1) I do not want it to be a failed suicide (which it most likely would be). I do not think I need to elaborate on this for obvious reasons.2) It will probably kill my parents and grandmother as my sister passed away a couple years ago already.3) I do not want to leave my dog with someone else (do not judge me).I know people will say that I am afraid to commit suicide because I actually want to live, but that is not true. I just do not want to actually kill myself. I would much rather a freak accident occur that takes my life where it is the other person's fault but they were in the wrong (I.e.: I could never jump in front of a train/truck because I would never want to traumatize the person driving or anything like that, but a drunk driver would deserve it). Does this make sense to anyone? I feel so strange all the time having these thoughts. do not want to live, but too afraid to kill myself.",Suicidal +23583,Anyone else find this extremely boring? I just want to sleep forever or be unconscious forever. Eatworkgo to bedoccasionally hangout with friends.,Depression +23584,Its killing me trying. I cannot do this. I hope this is not my last post cannot please everyone,Suicidal +23585,"Not on a busy road or with any other traffic participants around me of course. Just me and the car. I always tell myself ""If anything goes wrong, do not take anyone else with you.""I love the adrenaline rush and the freedom I have in that moment, joking with my thoughts about driving into THAT tree or drive off THAT bridge. Yeah.. the only way I feel like joking about my death is in a machine that can provide it. Sheeesh. Going dangerously fast in my car is the only way for me to feel anything",Depression +23586,"Srsly.... I am not scared of death i just do not want to kill myself but i hope i will die soon. At least i will die doing what i love ( dying) Idk I am so obsessed with death i keep thinking about it every minute every hour I am tired .. i keep reading theories about what is going to happen after life... sometimes i just like to watch ppl die on different reasons... i hate being happy and optimistic.. i feel much better when I am sad and thinking about it Life sucks, and I am obsessed with death",Depression +23587,"I am 25yo and I thought that by now I would be used to this feeling. But everyday it is just seems so hopeless, somehow I always end up fighting with someone I care about and end up feeling like I am the problem and would be better if I did not exist. I cannot see a reason to keep going, but everyone just expects me to be fine.I cannot make friends or keep them and always end up pushing everyone away thinking it would be best like this. In the end, the only thing keeping me from not terminating my life is the fact that I could not find a way to make it looks like an accident so people would not feel bad about it and this just adds more bad feelings.I am sorry for any errors, english is not my first language. I am just so tired",Suicidal +23588,I cannot do this anymore. I have been suffering for so long now. I am only 18M(almost 19) but I cannot remember the last time I was not depressed. Its been nine years to maybe over a decade since I last cried or showed any real emotions other than anger and the occasional shallow feeling of slight enjoyment. I have lost all my friends and I have not loved my parents since I was a real young child. I am slipping and I feel like I am getting ever closer to the end. I almost cut myself a few hours ago,Suicidal +23589,"I have googled this time and time again and nothing really hits. I have done the things. Called friends, my therapist, written down my feelings, the whole shit. Does anyone have anything specific/unique/out of the ordinary that helps them not do it? Also welcoming wrong answers. Haha. What are some unconventional things to do instead of killing myself?",Suicidal +23590,"I just would like to post here because I know that my feelings are valid, but a product of my own doing. So I come here to vent and relate to others. If I could take all of your pain I would. I just feel empty, like I do not belong in this skin. I am a burden to everyone. I am watching from the sidelines as someone else lives and loves life. In my social circle I am the one people come to, look up to, the shoulder to cry on, the useable one, the ducking doormat to some if you will. BUT I do not see what they see in me at all. I see a worthless girl who is mean a vicious and hard to love. A child whowas never even given an opportunity to show the love she had dwelling inside. My family is absent but not physically. I am not sure why but there is and never has been any emotional stability. Some of my family members are hardcore narcissists.. including my mother I think. It took its toll and determinate my self image but I am glad I have the knowledge now to know that their behaviors do not reflect mine.. I love other people and I love my family dearly, but they serve me no purpose besides the occasional moral support. They would not even know how to handle the things I deal with on a day to day basis that I mask. I hate everything about myself physically and mentally. There is something very wrong with me. I feel so different but I can mimick behaviors so well that no one would ever even have an idea as to why I would even notion suicide. Little do they know, they are the source of a lot of my issues, not all though. In the end, its my choice to feel. Its not their fault its mine for allowing the burden of others to be my own but I do not want to live on living in the midst of despair and the shadow of others however, I always end up here .Here is a place of solitude, loneliness, the despair of myself and others and so much more. All capsized right here. I do not know what to do anymore, my mind never stops and its driving me insane. I wish I did not care like other people, like the people who surround me. But I do, so for now here is where Ill stay. Its never been this bad",Depression +23591,"you have been at your ropes end, ready to end it, and still had the strength to climb to get one last shred of help, to go to therapy five days a week for months on end, just to fall apart again when you are done? Just to feel the same. Just for the same bone to break again. Do you keep trying? How do you keep trying? You already used the last shred of strength you could and now what. When you are alone with just your thoughts you still feel it. Nothing should be wrong with you, you worked through your issues right? But you are still here, in the dark place. So what do you do now? What do you do when",Depression +23592,"""Let me know if there is anything I can do. I will be actually more available for the next couple days (pending [streamer's] schedules of course)""Basically ""I am here for you but not when they are streaming "" and they stream at about the exact time I get off of work for the whole night. So you are not here for me. you will prioritize a virtual anime girl over me. You just want to not feel guilty. Just say I am not important and move on. Fuck this. I hate people",Depression +23593,"I am scared of death and I am scared Ill regret it while its happening but from what I have read, carbon monoxide should not be too painful. I have not written a note because I am just too tired and I do not have much to say anymore. I have told my family about my pain and they have dealt with two stupid suicide attempts from me in the past so this is not exactly going to be a complete surprise to them. Its also why I feel like a note is not necessary. It would just be superfluous. I am worried about things going wrong. Could burning coals indoors because a fire? I think I am most worried about that which is why I decided to call the police after I have lit up the coals. I will not tell them my address until the very end of the conversation so that there is enough time for the CO to have an effect. Anyway, goodbye I am going to kill myself this weekend.",Suicidal +23594,"I am only 20 and I feel like I failed lifes purpose. I had an opportunity to do something that could have changed my life, but I did not because I am a fucking PUSSY. Now I have to deal with the guilt, and I have to find another purpose for myself. I hate how I overthink every decision that comes my way why cannot I just fucking smarten up and get out of my own head? I feel like the only way to cope with my misery is through drugs and alcohol I just cannot keep living like this without some vice to give me relief. I fucking failed my lifes purpose",Suicidal +23595,"I thought I defeated it but it keeps creeping back up. There are days I just contemplate my existence, why was I born. I just want to live a fulfilling life. I want for once someone to tell me yes. Sometimes I wonder if my existence was a mistake by God(if you believe in that sort of thing). Why cannot I stop being depressed. Why does it keep coming back.",Depression +23596,"I am 20 years old I want to quit from college and move somwhere else but I have not got courage. n my whole life I lived like grandpa,I have never feel like young my soul is to old I want to kill myself and stop this misery. I want move to somewhere else from my family house",Suicidal +23597,"I am turning 18 next spring. I have been suicidal since I was 12, so understandably I have never had any realistic plans in life. I can do art and I can write, but that is it. You do not support yourself with that where I live. I always thought that I would just kill myself before I would get anywhere. I genuinely thought that I would not see my 14th birthday and eventually turning 17 was a miracle. Now that I am 17, it hit me that I do not have any plans or dreams beyond ""oh I should wrote a book"" and then a watertight, fully doable, realistic suicide plan I have worked on and improved for years. I do not know what to do with my life when I never even planned on living this long. But hey, if it all goes to shit, at least I still have that plan up my sleeve. I will probably do it before it even goes to shit, just so I do not have to die in dirty clothes. I am just realising that I am getting closer to adulthood and I still do not know what to do",Suicidal +23598,"I am just an ungratfull brat who does not worth anythig. I cannot do anything right even thoug i have anything i need to have a nice life! I am my parents life disapointment and a useless shitty piece of crap that, honestly, should not be alive. I am a shitty person",Suicidal +23599,"You all know too well what depression is. It sucks. I suck. I am not okay, I am not happy. I cannot see any solution to this. I do not want to die, but I want to disappear. I am going to let this consume me",Depression +23600,"I always feel so guilty when being sad. Like i have everything a kid could wish for- a roof over my head, (mostly) loving family etc. But i still cannot be happy. There are people with real problems, but for some reason, i think i have the right to be sad and that is fucking egoistic. I could have the best fucking day of my life but I would still be sad at the end of it.I have only one friend but that friend is strugling with her own mental health so i do not want to but another burden on top of her. Oh, btw, that right there was also something a self-centered person would say, why should somebody care about me? it is very egoistic to think that i matter enough to make a diffrence to anybody.I also have diagnosed asperger syndrome and i fucking hate it. I CAN read peoples emotions (normally aspies cannot, according to google) but i do not know how to react and I am very-very uncomfortable in social situations (espesially with people of my own age (13-15) ). And surprise-surprise: i have emotions of my own.And I am a boy so it seems not okay for me to be sad. But i am. And that is fucking egoistic.If you read so far then well- concratiolations- you just wasted solid couple of minutes from your life. I feel so guilty",Depression +23601,"I have always held such high honest standards. Found out my gf was cheating and she played the victim. My sense of reality, I let her hold on to too much of myself. I waited 7 months to sleep with her, my standards are two years but she insisted and It seemed like a love story. she is gone. I have been sleeping around with girls much more attractive and I am a very attractive, crowd controlling, successful guy, i click with everyone, my humor is exclusive and unmatched, i never had such low thoughts. But now I feel objectified. Like despite all my success I am unwanted for my true self. At 16 I paid off my mothers mortgage of $70,000. She hates me still i try to act like she is grateful but is it so hard? To just be nice? To regret disliking someone? People are noticing my social immaturity in dealing with depression, I am thinking of disappearing and dedicating my entire life to something in the engineering department, just because its a slower form of dying in my opinion. Otherwise suicide seems so pathetic rn but I am seriously so close. My intelligence feels like a joke. I feel like a joke. Romanticism",Suicidal +23602,"For context, I am diagnosed with MDD and probably have ASD(not an actual diagnosis but i at least think I do looking at different signs which have been concurrent for as long as I remember) and I have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation.I just turned 18 recently. I am the oldest child but I only live with my mother and younger brother. We argue a lot. But usually just my brother and I and my mother and I. Not my mother and brother. I am the problem in that case. I attend therapy. It does nothing. I do not/cannot talk much. My mom is hard on money, she is sick, she has an upcoming hysterectomy, and my dad has not been paying child support. My mom and I argue a lot when my brother and I argue. If he does not answer a question I will continue to ask. My mom yells at me for that and I will argue back. More so disagree and try not to raise my voice, but that does not seem to end an argument so I am probably doing something wrong. When we argue it always boils down to her trying to kick me out and how stressed she is. And then she will cry and tell me how bad of a mom she is and how stressed she is. It has always gone down like this since I was 11. She is not a bad mom, so the problem is me. it is clear she does not want me here and I do not blame her so if I took myself out the equation things would be fine. At the same time I am reluctant. I do not feel depressed right now so in a way I am convinced this is the right idea. But from me posting this here, I clearly have some doubts. But I thought it was best for me to say something somewhere. I am not feeling depressed. But I feel like everyone would benefit if I killed myself.",Suicidal +23603,"No matter how much and how hard I try, how much I try to open up, to care about others, to show initiative and be genuine and sweet and loving and caring and kind, there is noone who would like me. Noone I could rely on.Anytime I get attached, I get abandoned, dismissed or very, very badly hurt.I am so tired of existing when the universe screms at me every day that I should not be here, I do not belong. Anywhere.I can feel life practically pushing me out.Why bother?At least maybe if I do something dramatic someone would feel something for me for a moment. it is not like I have anyone I would want to stay for.Yeah I know it is very basic and normal and everyone feels that and blah blah blah but I am just so fucking tired I am so fucking lonely.",Suicidal +23604,"I have spent several years dealing with depression. And I have spent the past year looking for an online writing job, with no success, some interviews, but that is it. I have lied to almost everyone I know about it. At first, I felt so confident that if I kept trying I would reach my goal, but nothing. The guilt feels like it is overpowering me. I am out of time and options and frankly, I am too scared, to tell the truth, because the disappointment of my loved ones in me would be worse than death. I really am scared, I feel trapped, and death seems like my only way out. I Just cannot anymore",Suicidal +23605,#NAME?,Depression +23606,"I have no idea what I am doing with my life.These day I fell like i am nothing, i do not matter at all and, honestly, I really want to kill myself everyday. I cannot even hold a knife without thinking about shoving that shit in my chest.My mom just scream around and complains about everything, my dad is always angry, my sister is a egomaniac who thinks i am a piece of crap. Everybody on my life just seem to hate me and i just do not see why i should not do it. I do not know what I am saying.",Suicidal +23607,"Why do I even try anymore? All you all ever do is wear me out, use me, disappoint me and then leave me.Why? What sick pleasure to you all get from it? Do you enjoy watching me suffer? Do you enjoy making me suffer?These past 2-3 days I have been more miserable than in my 8 years worth of depression. Before that I was the happiest for about over a month **at least**.At this point it has to be my fault. Everything always is. I have always been the easy scapegoat, for anything. Nobody cares, I am just a carpet for everyone to walk on when they need to clean their shoes.I have been hurting for years and no one even remotely bat an eye. Everyone is fake. Fake care. Fake attention. Fake friendships. Fake family bonds. Fake work dynamics. Fake love. Fake kindness. Fake fun. All you all do is take and never care about me. I am just a tool.Once I stop being useful, once being myself overshadows the benefits I can bring you just leave me for dead.I have no one in this life. Not one soul. I will see you all in the burning abysses that I will oversee.I do not know when I am going to end it, hell, I have not thought about ending it for the past few months, but today...Just know that my previous 25yo ETA is probably further away than the current ETA.You can all go die. Why do I even try?",Depression +23608,"Very soon I am going to have about 2 hours alone to myself. I think that is as good a time as any to die. I need to stop procrastinating and crying wolf every time I want to die. Now its time to act. I guess this would be goodbye I might die today, if I get the courage",Suicidal +23609,"I have been self-harm free for the past two days! (the longest I have been clean in the last month) i also have been talking to a really close friend that i cut contact with for awhile and it feels nice to talk to him again. just in general I am doing good and even though I have only felt like this for two days I am just proud of myself and having a good time. so yea this is just like a reverse vent thing idk, i know those two accomplishments are not super big but i feel ok for the first time in a little while and i think this is the road to making progress in really getting better. hi just want to share how proud of myself i am :)",Depression +23610,"The feeling of loneliness and isolation, always being the first one to start conversations and set up appointments with friends. Feeling more and more distant to family members ( parents, grandparents, sisters etc) The need to consume alcohol etc to cope with constant negative thoughts and loneliness overall, and the restlessness that comes with it. Some weeks or even months, I can get few to zero missed calls or messages / notifications on my phone. Constantly and progressively blaming myself for everything, and having my self-esteem eaten up. ( Example: overthinking everything I do, feeling like people around me hate and dismiss me, especially at work )Having some kind of aggressive thoughts, like a flight or fight instinct. Not feeling like the words I say and express gets taken seriously, and some kind of deep anger grows within. Thank God for this subreddit, where we can share and comment on our deepest struggles. Can anybody relate to this?",Depression +23611,"my friends started dropping me 2 years ago, but since covid it is gotten worse, they rarely reply to me, we never go out, this lead to me getting quite hooked to xans at 17, I am 18 now and my family thinks I have sobered up but have not, but the amount I take daily has decreased, from around 8-12 to 3-6. It would be so easy for me to quit if I just knew there was a point to everything. I just feel useless, I have for a long time, my friends started dropping me 2 years ago, but since covid it is gotten worse",Suicidal +23612,"My thoughts are incomprehensible, the world is collapsing around me, it is all moving so fast I cannot keep up. I can feel a psychotic breakdown coming",Depression +23613,"I told her that id only be with her still if i could cheat and fuck someone else 1 time as well but she said no please do not and that will she will let me have a threesome with her and another girl, right now at the moment she is in the psyche ward for trying to kill herself and idk what i should do I have been having suicidal thoughts since monday and have been contemplating taking my life either today or tomorrow, i feel so hurt and betrayed by the only person who is been there for me, she told me its because i made mistakes too by not listening enough but i did listen i tried my hardest to, I am 19 and this girl is 17 our birthdays are 3 days apart december 28th and dec 31st idk if if its a immaturity thing or not but all i kno this girl helped me with so much and vice versa and i feel like i cannot be here without her, i just want to know is it possible to fix our relationship? My girlfriend cheated on me and now i do not know how to feel, she told me she loved me yet fucked someone else in january and we have been together since july of 2020, i do not know what to feel anymore i tried breaking off things with her monday after i did she tried to overdose",Suicidal +23614,"I feel so sad today I cannot stop crying. All I want to do is listen to sad music. I am so alone. No friends, no job, 1 year separate from my boyfriend who I still love. I hate my life. I hate having a mental illness and ending up in the hospital. I hate who I am. I hate being alone I cannot make any lasting friendships, I cannot find a partner who loves me. I hate this world. Why has my life turned out this way? I am really sad and alone",Depression +23615,I have developed a crush on an boy from another city i was good friends with and well when we met a second time we even made out a little but he was already in a relationship with another person (from another city) i was also friends with and when his boyfriend was around (and i acted if nothing happened) i had like three breakdowns when he mentioned my crush but the whole problem is that i have like four people in this friend circle i can normally talk about my depression and causes things like adhd or something but i cannot fucking talk about this and it really sucks It sucks if one factor in your depression is love issues and you cannot talk to most of your friends about it bc they atre involved,Depression +23616,"i made the decision to killl myself in august, i have not cried this much for a long time. I am so sad but i feel like i have no other option. i feel so sad for my family too. i hate this world bawling my eyes out",Suicidal +23617,"Your thoughts are vain, let them go.Succumb to your instinctual longing to cleave to God.Let your soul transcend it is material existence.Die, so that you may return to God.This world belongs to me. I posses all levels of conscious divine intellect",Suicidal +23618,Or should we go in search of death to offer rest to the soul? Do you have to continue living despite the pain?,Depression +23619,"I wrote at length the other day about how I am feeling depressed. I still am.I feel so hopeless. And with my chronic fatigue I feel too exhausted to do anything. I am trying. Exercising, taking medication, going to counseling, meditating. But I feel broken and lost. I cannot think of a title.",Depression +23620,ill take this as a sign to kill myself. my cat ran away.,Suicidal +23621,what are some good ways to cope with the suicidal thoughts because mine are becoming overwhelming lately. i do not know if its the medication I am taking or what but i need some help.. thoughts,Suicidal +23622,"I am 20. I do not understand why I am alive, to be honest. I do not have any intention of killing myself, but I find it hard to care about anything these days. And from what I can tell, life itself seems meaningless overall. Not to be nihilistic or anything, but I genuinely see no reason to even keep going. Most of the time, I do not feel anything besides ""meh."" or I seem apathetic. I am content being alone, and I am the kind of person who is happy as long as I have any kind of something around me to entertain myself with. As it currently stands, my depression seems to have taken a nosedive. I have not showered in 3 days, because I do not feel like it. We also do not have any hot water, at the moment, and so if I do shower I have to do it in the stupidest way possible and I do not even feel clean afterwards. Basically I was taught when this happens, boil water, mix it with some cool water, pour it in sink, and use a washcloth to wipe yourself down. Stupid, and takes way more effort than a regular shower. And I do not feel like taking a cold shower. And I mean realistically, if I died tomorrow, nobody would notice for a long time. Not even work because I work minimum wage, and they would just assume I would quit or something. My grandparents do not need me. My parents do not care where I am, or what I am doing, they are busy raising my siblings or getting high. it is been like that since I was a baby though. My grandparents would find my body, if I were to die, and probably be sad, but I feel like that is only because of the fact they raised me. They would actually benefit if I was gone, seeing as to how often they complain about how miserable their life currently is. How broke they are, ect. I feel like I do not really exist, except to make them happy, because I am always their emotional support child. They argue and yell all the time. Just this morning, my grandpa decided to start an argument because my grandma grabbed the wrong bowl. She said she wished she had never left my aunts house(She went to visit last week), and my grandpa said he wished she stayed too. Then of course, she comes into my room crying, then she makes my favorite meal, then comes to announce that she made my favorite meal, and then let us herself into my room to make my bed. This stuff is her way of trying to make herself feel better, it is not out of genuine love I do not think. Because if I am in a bad mood, and I do not immediately perk up, it must be her fault and she will start crying even more. there is no escape from the negativity. I have to fake my happiness, obviously, because her feelings depend on mine. I hate it, and there is no escape from the negativity.I mean, I found roommates that hopefully I will be moving out with soon. But even then, I am not sure life will get any better. Because I am pathetic enough, that most people think there is something wrong with me and see me as a walking red flag. I am of course, poor as well, so you know, add that onto it. But I have been saving up my money. I just do not know what to do with any of it. I have been saying I want to go to college, but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And I do not know why I would go to college yet, I do not want to waste my money on something I might never use or might not even like. There are a lot of people out there who view me as a loser, because I smoke weed, play video games, work, and am not in college. To add onto that, everyone acts like you should strive to ""better yourself""But in my opinion, I am not sure what I should better about myself. Or why. To make it so I am more tolerable to you? Because if I do not see you putting in the same effort, why would I put in all the work so you can freeload? If that makes sense. I mean, I am just here to vent at the moment. But I am not really upset. Or sad, even. I am not sure what I am feeling, but it is neither hopeless nor hopeful. I do not see a reason to keep going",Depression +23623,"I do not know exactly why i stopped listening with my earphones, it is something that works best for me, to distract me, to not dwell too much on things, on people, i feel already better, just my music and that is enough for me to get me through some time while I am still alive Now i realized this is what i needed for all this times i felt i was going crazy, as long as I am here, music will be my greatest companion I needed music",Suicidal +23624,I ask people when is suicidal thoughts too much that you should go to the hospital like everyday I feel like ill take my life everyday I have new way of doing it and how id go about it. I find it hard to look at rope or hold knifes just for cooking because feel like ill just stab myself or at least cut myself more. I talk to my doctor about everything every week twice a week and it seems that I am just going to have to something to get put into hospital. (I am not going to do anything at the point of writing) . Feels like I am venting and maybe that is what this is but i really think if there was a scale of suicidal thoughts and tendencies id place myself high on it anyway. I just wonder why am i still alive i do not want to be and never wanted to be. I can only think of one time i woke up and said out loud I am happy to be alive. But everyday i do wake up i usally say why am i alive or how come why why meee. I have been in hospital few times and it was terrible mainly because it was involuntary but i think if it was voluntary it probably would of been better. I just wonder why am i alive there is no point to myself or others humans are not needed in this world and any world for that matter. I think all humans should commit mass suicide everyone just pops a pill that government hands out and all take it same day and time outside in a public place ofc we should shutdown any nuclear plants and anything else that could because mass destruction. or maybe not should i just buy a gun and just run around shooting killing people so someone shoots me. If i was going to die id take as many people and animals as i could. Well anyway question is What is too much in the sense of suicidal thoughts that you should go hospital. What Is Too Much (Question) Venting too,Suicidal +23625,I am so tired I do not know how to kill myself now as my parents have hidden things thag I can use so really I have no escape from this shit I do not even know anymore,Suicidal +23626,I feel depressed. I do not want to do any the but listen to music or sleep. I watched that movie never-ending story. I feel like Aritru's horse sinking in the swaps of sadness. I was in a PHP. I need to do the next right thing. do not want to do anything,Depression +23627,The only real thing that is been keeping going through all of this has been my upcoming vacation. But now 2 days before I get sick. I am really pissed off and hope I get better before then but if I do not I am going to feel so much more depressed since I will not be able to go. Life hates me I guess. I have been really looking forward to this since its just something fun and exciting to do and I was hoping It would help with depression a little. I am so scared I will not be able to go. I think life hates me,Depression +23628,"I cannot be in the lives of the people I care about without hurting them. At the same time, cutting ties with them might hurt them, too. I just wish I were not such a horrible person. I wish so much that I were not. But I have spent years in a severely depressed state and every time I try to escape it I end up hurting someone. I become a person that hurts people. That must just be who I am or it would not be so consistent. And if I hurt people when I am not depressed, I cannot escape depression because I would rather be in pain than hurt others, especially without even meaning to. But I cannot put the burden of a depressive me on anyone else anymore, either. I just cannot. I do not know what to do. I thought the path was to work through my depression and become a more useful person, but if I cannot do that, and I cannot stay depressed either, I am at a loss.I do not know when I became this kind of person. I hate it. I do not understand. I do not mean to. Please help. Every time I try to hate myself a little less, I end up hurting someone I care about, usually unintentionally. it is like my ""true self"" is poisonous unless it is suppressed by my depression.",Depression +23629,"Salut, je ne sais pas si quelqu'un lira ce message, surtout en franais mais j'ai pas la force d'crire en anglais. Aujourd'hui tait mon jour de repos, je voulais en profiter pour me dtendre et au final j'ai pass la journe rien faire, dans mon lit. Tellement je me sentais mal dans ma peau aujourd'hui.Je suis fatigu. a fait 11 ans que je combats la solitude et la dpression. En ce moment tout va bien dans ma vie, j'ai une super copine, j'ai un boulot, ect. mais malgr a, quand arrive la nuit, je me sens seul. Je n'ai pas vraiment d'amis qui parler et je ne veux pas mettre le poids de mon mal-tre sur ma copine. Elle a dj assez de chose grer comme a. Sauf que je n'ai pas les couilles d'en finir. J'aurai trop peur des retombes si je me rate. Et si je russi, que se passera-t-il ?11 putains d'anne que je combats mes dmons et ils reviennent. Toujours. J'sais plus quoi faire. J'ai trop perdre pour redevenir le dchet que j'ai t.J'en peux plus, j'ai de moins en moins confiance en moi. Je me demande comment un dchet comme moi peut esprer avoir une vie dcente un jour... Pourquoi je me bat depuis autant de temps, alors que je sais dj comment cela va se finir? Demain soir aussi je serai seul, dans mon lit, avec mes dmons et je me mentirai moi-mme en me disant que tout va bien alors que je sais que je vais encore craquer ds que je serai seul. Je suis fatigu. Je n'en peux juste plus.",Depression +23630,"I see an overarching theme here where people are deciding whether or not they want to stay or go. They often decide they want to go, but yet cannot bring themselves to do it. I also observe that many here are young, so I wanted to add another perspective. everyone is situation is different, and I am not here to recommend anything, but I can tell you, when it comes to living with depression, it does not get better with time. Depression is a very selfish and self-centered disorder. We obsess over ourselves, how we have affected others, and how we feel. We also obsess over how the people we leave behind would feel with us being gone. We consider those who we have hurt in life, but we fail to consider this: the countless others we are going to hurt. When I think of all of the pain I could have spared people, it becomes overwhelming. The marriages I ruined, the relationships, the children I brought into the world. You think its painful to disappoint your parents? Failing your children is a pain 100 times worse. Exposing those who love you--whom you are supposed to protect--to the addiction, abuse, the emotional absence, and all of the other awful things that come along with depression is horrible. Then, you find yourself in a place where you cannot leave, because you are a provider and you cannot devastate your children. Its like being in one of those movies where going to hell is being damned to live the same day over and over. And all you have to look forward to is growing old, the loss of family members, the decline of your health, financial struggles, and career failures. Yeah, things could get better. But if you are wired as badly as we are, this is highly unlikely. Not only will things get worse for you, but you will ruin the lives of people you have yet to meet, some of whom have not yet been born. Consider all of this as you decide whether you want to stay or go. Maybe it will get better--probably it will not",Depression +23631,"No motivation. No inspirations. No work, I do not want to work, if I get a job I will not be able to hold it down. All I want to do is sleep and I regret waking up everyday. I am sorry I am a disappointment, I should not have been born. it is hard getting up everyday",Depression +23632,"As the days go on I get more and more numb at the thought of suicide. Its Thursday and I have been numb since Sunday. I went to the beach at night and I just wanted to jump in so bad. Right in front of my friends. Monday I slept all day and thought about what I would put in my note. At least I made something. Tuesday I could not sleep and when I took my daily meds, I had a horrifying episode. I went to the mental hospital but of course they would not take me. I talked with my friends but I just felt like a burden the whole time. Why does everything always have to be about me. Wednesday I try to recover from my injuries from the day before. Partner buys me medical supplies to help and then gets upset because he does not know how to support me. We contemplate breaking up. Today is Thursday, woke up fine. Crocheting my friends stuffed frogs as a thank you for being my friend gift. I already said I wanted to die in the group chat to no response, I guess they thought I was joking. I reach out to my partner and tell him I am going back to bed because I cannot handle life today. No response. I guess I fucked that up too. I am so alone. Nobody wants anything to do with me because I am a burden. Praying that one of my friends or even my partner reaches out to me for comfort. I need it so bad, I feel lost and alone with nowhere to go but bed. Maybe I just need to face the fact that I will always be alone no matter what. Its been so long",Depression +23633,"I have had depression for as long as I can remember. It started in grade school, dealing with a mentally abusive and neglectful father, a school and student body that hated me, and wanted me dead. As I grew, it only got worse. I had a house fire, and was made fun of for it. Once I got into high school, I made the most amount of friends that I ever had. But it did not stop others from making my life miserable. Once out of school, my friends slowly started to disperse. They all eventually told me that they had forgotten I even existed. Now I have no one to talk to. I am awful at relationships, and I have given up on that. I am a quiet introvert, who has a hard time opening up, especially to complete strangers, but I am desperate. I hate feeling like this, but its all I have ever known. I just want to know that someone, somewhere cares. Idk what else to do if this fails In need of support, somehow.",Depression +23634,I have not thought of that way before. I am not going to say what it is. To not influence anyone. But man. I wish they would not have said anything or even mention it. Doc inadvertently gave me a new way to commit.....,Suicidal +23635,"I do not want to keep the pain, but I also do not want to go to hell. I just want to go to heaven and be able to ask God to forgive me and to heal me from all the suffering and sins I have experienced and even committed (which I deeply regretted and resentful towards myself), which is why I always pray and pray and pray. And if one day I kill myself, I will pray and beg to God to forgive me for my suicide and sins. I love God and God loves me too, so why would not he try to help me from all the pain I want to end? I want to kill myself so I can go to heaven and ask God to heal me",Suicidal +23636,"Without going into any details about why because I do not want to, just a few minutes ago I completely broke down and cried for a good minute or so and to clarify I do not feel better at all, not even a little bit.Not much else to say and this post means nothing, good day! I cried for the first time in almost 3 years",Depression +23637,"I have been feeling like I am losing my mind, i get stuck down rabbitholes in my own head, just thinking, and thinking, and thinking, to the point it hurts my brain, i just do not know what to do. i feel like om slowly losing my grip on reality and like I am going insane. I am having frequent homicidal and suicidal thoughts, even though I am on my meds and taking them regularly, i cannot think straight either, like i said i get stuck thinking too hard to the point where nothing feels real, that is when i feel like I have really lost my grip, when everything feels fake. i just do not know what to do anymore. people call it an ""edgy phase"" because I am young, but is it really just a phase? I have suffered from these symptoms for a while, so i do not know. is it normal to feel like I am going insane?",Depression +23638,"Hi, I am an incoming senior in highschool, and my mom told me recently that she is planning on getting a divorce before I turn 18. I am going to be busy with college applications, my internship, school... and with my depression, I do not know if I can handle it. I might end highschool on a bad note, and I have no idea what I want to do after highschool. Does anyone have a similar experience or advice on something like this? I just want to keep my anxiety low because right now it is getting worse. Thank you My parents are getting a divorce",Depression +23639,"All I am doing is trying to get better trying harder But nothing helpsNo amount of pillsNo amount of supportNo amount of therapyAnd I just do not feel aliveAnd every time I am alone I break Over and over againBut I cannot tell anybodyI try to compensate by being cheerful And it worksEverybody thinks I am doing better than the last monthsTruth is I am contemplating drinking, suicide, giving upAnd I just do not feel like fighting anymoreI feel like breaking down all the timeI run off to the toilet to cryMy psychiatrist is taking me off my antidepressants I do not know how I am going to do thisI cannot liveAnd everybody expects me to be an adult now but I feel more helpless than everI just cannot live like this Life seems so pointless right now",Depression +23640,"In last few years, I sold my beautiful condominium. I was foolish and did not use my mind at that time. My cats got sick, one passed away one week later. This was due to the move. A new vet killed her when she got sick and needed help which she was not given. I was taken to mental hospital by police because vet told police I was going to kill myself when I was in an upset state. I lost my job because I became sick. I am still sick and trying to see if I can ever recover from my medical condition. I 'm trying to keep this short and not go into more details. What can I do to be happy? I do not want to see a therapist. I read, and watch TV, and movies. NEED HELP FINDING HAPPINESS",Depression +23641,"there is really not much to say or anything that will change how my mind feels.. i just truly do not feel like i matter, that is all. I cannot help but feel like i really do not matter",Suicidal +23642,"I cannot be in the lives of the people I care about without hurting them. At the same time, cutting ties with them might hurt them, too. I just wish I were not such a horrible person. I wish so much that I were not. But I have spent years in a severely depressed state and every time I try to escape it I hurt someone. I become a person that hurts people. That must just be who I am or it would not be so consistent. And if I hurt people when I am not depressed I cannot escape depression because I would rather be in pain than hurt others, especially without even meaning to. I cannot put the burden of a depressive me on anyone else anymore, either. I just cannot. I do not know what to do. I though the path was to work through my depression and become a more useful person, but if I cannot do that, and I cannot stay depressed either, I am at a loss. I do not know when I became this kind of person. I hate it. I do not understand. I do not mean to. Please help. I am a horrible person. Every time I try to hate myself a little less, I end up hurting someone I care about, usually unintentionally.",Depression +23643,"My mom lost her battle with Covid 3 days ago, she was in the hospital for almost a month, slowly fading away, until finally her lungs could not oxygenate blood anymore.The thing is, she was always sick, she had Lupus which is a chronic disease that affects your joints, brain, and kidneys, and I have never seen her healthy in my entire life, and she also had depression.And 1 day before she died, I told my therapist that I hated her, because she brought me to this life and I blamed her for my misery, my point was (why did she gave birth to me when she suffered from such a chronic illness?) and I could never appreciate life, and for that I cannot forgive her.The next day my brother called me and told me that she died.And now it is been 3 days and I hate myself sooo freakin much for having these thoughts just before she died, I feel like I am the worst person ever, and I do not deserve to be alive.In her dying breath she told my brother to take care of me, even though we are both adults, and when I learned about that it made me feel even worse.Like ok I know she was not the perfect mom, but there are none to begin with, I just wish that I could talk with her, kiss and hug her one last time.It hurts so fuckin much, my last memory of her should not be me blaming her for my situations. I feel like I am going to vomit just thinking about this.P. S I live in a different country and I could not travel to her due to Covid restrictions. My mom died 3 days ago to covid",Depression +23644,I am 24. But I cannot take care of myself. I cannot live on my own. I have no one to help me. I think I should just kill myself. I do not know what else to do. I am in a helpless situation. I am thinking about killing myself,Suicidal +23645,I cannot move out of my abusive home...have no money. cannot get another job...I am nearly incompetent at this point due to depression and anxiety. I work 2 days a week and cannot even handle it..I am at work right now crying my eyes out in the bathroom because my coworker triggered me. I cannot fucking take it living like this. I want to die because I am surrounded by toxic people and I am also in physical pain everyday on top of my emotional pain,Suicidal +23646,So about my last post I told my parents and they were very can and told me that I could get therapy. So I might be getting professional help. Finally told my parents,Depression +23647,"I am going to be ending my school years in a few months, and I got out of a relationship almost a year ago, it lasted one year, I have been a loud and obnoxious guy ever since I was little, it helped me find people and try to fit in, but slowly I started to become more quiet and distance myself. I did not think much of it, until I got into a relationship an year ago, I felt good for the first few months, but deep down I knew this was not it and I knew I cannot keep her in the dark like this, I told her I felt alone, and that I felt as if no one really to appreciates me, she tries her best to comfort me, and to this day I will always appreciate itbefore I realized itjealousy guilt and mixed emotions fucked me up. we have had many fights, and we tried making things work for the majority of our relationship, this is not it. I knew that, and I knew I could not keep it going, so I called it off. I knew she was not it, and the breakup was in a way mutual because she confessed was losing feelings midway aswell, I felt like shit. but do I have the right to?I had a few friends before this, most of them were her friends, after we broke up.. nobody came to me, nobody even checked on me, not even my ""friends"". I felt so alone. but I knew this would happen, but it still hurts after we broke up I was still friends with her, it was poisonous. because it was tempting me to do it all again, make up, get together, and feel the same things again, and break upand I can tell it is bad for her too,we needed to part ways so I cut it off my ""friends"" and her, I told her that I am going to be cutting her off, and she respectfully did the same, because she knew it is the best thing to do as for my friends..? I do not even see them mention my name ever since I broke up, nobody cares.it is been so lonely. I barely even see my family either, and their not the type to understand, but I appreciate that they even let me stay in their life I have been craving attention, anything.. but nobody really caresas I said I have been quiet, I do not have the energy to try and make friends, or fit in I want to so bad but the fear of rejection and the thought of me just looking cringe worthy Infront of others plague meso I sit alone in my room, checking social media apps and seeing everyone live their life while I am daydreaming of everything I can never have my motivation is running slow and I cannot go a night without having a breakdown after midnight, and because of quarantine there really is nothing to do, so I do not have a better distraction but I feel so guilty for being the way I am, and I feel so jealous of everyone else. but lately I have been feeling something other than just loneliness, been feeling empty and just depressed, I have thought of suicide, but I have always thought about my family. the only ones that truly care, even if they do not understand or know what I am going through, I know they care.but it is lonely, and empty living like this, I play the guitar and sing songs every night, to do something other than staring at a screen but I cannot do it forever I am sorry for the lengthy paragraphs, I have wanted to talk about this for a long time, and I thought maybe this would be the right place, me being anonymous, so I will not get so much anxiety I feel guilty that I am here complaining about this, while I see posts about people going through tougher and more dire things I am sorry if I sound like I am exaggerating ): my dive into feeling empty and alone",Depression +23648,Just want someone to listen for a while. :) May I speak to someone?..,Suicidal +23649,"I cannot be in the lives of the people I care about without hurting them. At the same time, cutting ties with them might hurt them, too. I just wish I were not such a horrible person. I wish so much that I were not. But I have spent years in a severely depressed state and every time I try to escape it I hurt someone. I become a person that hurts people. That must just be who I am. And I cannot put the burden of a depressive me on anyone else anymore. I just cannot.I think I am going to make it look like an accident so it is ""sad but not suicide sad"". My friend committed suicide a few years ago and I cannot do that to anyone. I just cannot. So accident it is. Or maybe I could get into a drug or something. I do not have insurance, so no rehab, so it would basically be a death sentence on its own, right? And that way no one could blame themselves. Every time I try to hate myself a little less, I become a horrible person and hurt someone I care about unintentionally. After trying again and again, I have come to the conclusion that I am a bad person. I have to find a way to die.",Suicidal +23650,"I do not really have a reason to keep on going. I have no social skills, no job, no friends (not even fake friends) and no family other than my abusive parents. I am pretty confident that I will kill myself this month. it is quite depressing knowing that not a single person will miss you but I guess life is just cruel like that, and I just cannot wait to get out of this nightmare. it is over for me. I will be killing myself this month",Suicidal +23651,"I have been hording thoughts like candy lately. No matter who you open up to, it seems like there is not an actual release. It feels like a waste of breath and a burden for those around me. I will get excited about an activity and as I start to put my mind and soul into it, I just fall off. No matter what it is. Photography, gaming, socializing, working on self-improvement and so on. I always repeat a cycle and I have even started working on reframing thoughts. Relearning good concepts (being kind to myself, etc.) It just does not work in the long run. My mind is chronically pessimistic and I hate it. I do not associate with it, but then when my depression or anxiety hit it is all me. I hate ALL of me. I cannot even remember basic concepts, map layouts, lines of code and such. I really cannot do this too much longer. I do not want to die, but I do not want to be a burden or feel pain like this pretty much daily. I talk to friends, but I feel like they are secretly judging me or waiting to remove me from our groups. I talked to family, but I am sure they do not believe me. I talk to doctors and they dismiss or batch it to be one thing and one thing only. Granted ,I could not even be fully blunt about it initially. So this is on me in at least one way. The hospital environment makes it worse. I have been numerous times and I always fake my way out because I do not like it. it is not meant to be liked, but it builds more anxiety. I will eat, sleep, eat, sleep and get meds and such. My history of anxiety is long, but I do not think I am heard as well as others. I do not know what to do or where to go. I cannot even get a hold of my mental health assistive team. Voicemails or no trace of who called. Damn.. I am lost and do not know where to find ""hope"".",Depression +23652,"My family seems to think so. I do not know if that is the case. I have trie telling my family i do not do a lot of things around the house because i do not feel like i physically doing it. I feel nauseus, like my body is giving out and i always get this dread that i will ruin it, even the smallest of chores. There are times i manage but there are certain chores i do not want to do. Whenever i bring this up my family says I am lazy and i do not know if that is the case. I do not know if my body is making this up so i can avoid chores, I really do not. I have tried to take my own life but whenever i talk to them about it they say is just to avoid ""bettering myself"" but i do not know how. I really do not and whenever i ask for help they tell me nobody is born knowing and you just got to deal with it and I am just doing it to avoid changing, which leads to them saying I am just doing it because I am lazy. I do not feel like I am lazy, i often just feel like i want the days to end, i guess i just want something to change idk. I am scared if i ever go through with it they will always say and think its due to my laziness. Due to me not wanting to cook or sweep and me or them will never know if there was something wrong with me all along. Its such a scary thought. Your entire existance being boiled down to ""being lazy"" Can someone take their own life out of laziness?",Suicidal +23653,"Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, HPD, paranoia. Its too much, others just do not understand and think I am choosing to be this way. I have tried everything, I really have. I hate feeling like no one will ever understand me, even here. That Ill have to forever live like this. My head feels more messed up than an Eminem song sometimes haha, its just all too much at once. I feel like people do not understand ; (",Depression +23654,"I cannot lie in bed unless i pass out instantly, which is around 6 or 7 am. Its like an instant switch and it goes from 'i am depressed' to 'i want to murder myself the quickest way possible because nothing is worth living for'. Anyone else can relate to this? Why is going to bed literal torture",Depression +23655,"Having depression, anxiety, paranoia, HPD. Its overwhelming, I feel so weak. Will I ever be good enough. I am so overwhelmed by everything ; (",Suicidal +23656,"who the hell made that quote?do you know how much easier life would be if everybody was just indifferent about themselves?if the opposite of love is indifference, then what the fuck am i feeling right now? the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference",Suicidal +23657,Choose the way ill die game!Funny until the last laugh. Choose my end game,Suicidal +23658,"what is the point of playing this sick game called life we are all going to die anyway nothing matters, why the fuck should i continue to suffer and deal with all the bullshit life throws at me on a daily basis. what a joke",Suicidal +23659,"I cannot talk or feel anything. It hurts to see how my partner suffers, but I struggle to take control over my emotions and overcome the numbness. Is seems impossible. I feel so cold",Depression +23660,"I spent the last week in a mental hospital for making suicidal threats and gestures. I was mainly just drinking too much and let it get the better of me. They diagnosed me with ""PTSD and Cluster B Personality Disorder"", but I am having a hard time figuring out how. When the nurses processed me I was drunk still and a little frantic and was talking about my abuse and the bad things that have happened to me. Maybe I was being a little too emotional?The thing is, I had 2 separate doctors. I talked to them for a collective maybe 45 minutes each in the past week. And while I spoke to the first one, I was going through Xanax withdrawals. They did not sit me down and ask me a bunch of questions, they just asked a select few and asked me about my medications. I just do not think that that is long enough or enough information to diagnose someone as Cluster B.It would be really upsetting for me to live my life that way. As far as narcissism goes, I am extremely insecure and do not like being around people or toying with them. With histrionic, I have severe anxiety and hate being around people. With antisocial, I do not lack empathy. I truly feel for others and the suffering of those around me makes me upset, and I am not violent or law-breaking.As far as BPD goes, I do not lose my shit. I drink a lot but I have decided to stop doing that. I am really calm and I do not have a fear of abandonment or have intense, unstable relationships. My emotions do not fluctuate and I do not get angry or flip shit on a dime.Is it possible this was a misdiagnosis? Really worrying me. I feel like I need a psych eval, I feel crazy now. How long would it take for a psychologist to diagnose someone with a Cluster B disorder?",Depression +23661,"Its been over a year now since i had short term 5 month sexual abuse incident, which caused a strike of depression, which caused a suicide attempt, self harm, major anxiety, borderline personality disorder, psychosis, disassociating, and nowwell now I am dealing with non stop homicidal thoughts. I really do not know how to go about this. I do NOT want to tell any family. And i do NOT want to be hospitalized. Perhaps i should just keep it to myself. Fuck i do not know what to do about this. I am so lost.",Suicidal +23662,"Since I am such a piece of shit and just take up space and make everyone feel bad and because my needs and wants do not matter anyway--what is the point. I feel like I am just treading water, waiting for the next small catastrophe to get through. No one around me understands me or how I feel and they only exacerbate the isolation by making me feel that there is something wrong with me for not wanting to hang out and engage in small talk and other meaningless bullshit. I wish I could die right now. I hate myself and I want to die I have lost what remaining will I had to live, I wish I could kill myself or at least just disappear",Depression +23663,Is it normal to be 17 without a job? I keep getting rejected or not getting any messages back meanwhile my mates are on about 1000+ a month Hes also 17 with a kid on the way and his own flat and I am doing nothing my sister just got this big promotion and its making me feel shit about myself I have no clue what to do Life,Depression +23664,I am sad some days and some days I am happy and some days I am whatever. When I am sad I will cry and be in a bad mood for a couple days then be better once it passes and think I was being dumb or over dramatic for being so sad. When I am happy I love going out with friends and doing stuff and I will enjoy myself and when I am neither then I just think whatever about the situation. Idk if this is counts as depression or not.I have been like this most of my life and have not talked to anyone about it really. Like a therapist or anything Do you have to be sad all the time to be 'depressed',Depression +23665,I am now crying because my MIL claimed that I had said several negative things about my husband (her son) last night and I honestly do not remember/recall me saying anything negative about him. I tried asking for specifics (maybe to help jog my memory) and she did not respond. I think the part that hurts a lot is her saying that I should be thankful that he got me and the kids through the past year and a half and doing the cooking cleaning and majority of the child care whereas most dads do not. I know this but to say basically that I am not doing enough for the kids or the family really hurts. she is supposed to be picking up the boys for me so I could have some me time but now I am feeling guilty about it. And angry and I feel like I have had enough. Called the husband. He has suggested that I work on my project for an hour or so to calm me down. I am going to try that to see if it helps. Anyway thank you for letting me vent. Just when I thought I was doing better,Depression +23666,My country does not have a hotline. I just want to chat with someone I really want to talk to someone. Where can I find someone to talk to for free who has good experience?,Suicidal +23667,"I do not know if this is because of depression, but I just cannot get myself to do things until the last minute because there seems to be a force in me, like a heavy rock or something weighing me down and making me freeze and preventing me from being productive. I still feel motivation but it is more hypothetical motivation than real motivation. it is not anxiety--i'ts some sort of procrastination but not even so because instead of doing other activities I will stare at the wall or stare at my project but not really do it. I struggle to meet deadlines even though I have time. I feel like I have no energy to get something done but at the last minute, a weird wave of energy can kick in as if I have no other option and sometimes it is fine, other times there are negative consequences. it is a weird sort of procrastination but it is that I literally cannot get myself to do anything I should be doing. I keep putting things off. it is starting to really mess up my life and I do not konw what to do about it, People tell me to jsut force myself to do what I need to do but I literally feel as if I cannot. This applies to almost every aspect of my life, and I do not understand why. Inability to get things down and meet deadlines",Depression +23668,"oxalato de escitalopram, quetiapina, Immense 50 mg, maleato de fluxoxamina and quetiapin. This combination can be fatal?",Suicidal +23669,"My original plan was to od on Sunday but I realised it is not my time yet. I know I will eventually do it but I have to keep living for my dog and grandma. My grandma is old and probably does not have a lot of time left, I do not want to ruin her last year's by living with guilt and sadness. I know her death will be hard on me and I would probably want to off myself but I still have my dog to live for and he is still pretty young. Assuming he lives until 10 I will be gone by the time I turn 18. My time will come soon, but it is not yet. I probably cannot stop sh because there is no way I will cope, I still want to die, I crave death and there is not a day that I do not think about it, it is the first thing I think when I wake up and the last thing I think when I go to sleep but I will try to live for them. I have decided not to",Suicidal +23670,"Trying to cope, but do not know how. In thought",Depression +23671,When you truly dislike your face... its just annoying to live. Like I hate going out in public or going for a run. Most people think they are unattractive when they simply are not. Me on the other hand. You do not know me so do not say ' bEaUty iS suBjeCtIve' . My face looks like a bloated moon face. No way in hell anyone attractive will like me so I have been looking into Buddhism to try and detach from women. Honestly have not felt that lonely lately but damn.. I am embarrassed whenever I go. Not because I care what others think. I want to be happy in my own skin. My body is nice ish when I workout alot I have been complimented but my face UGH. I wish I could change it. I look like an 11 year old when I am 21. Smh. I hate how I cannot change my face,Depression +23672,"I cannot finish school because of my mental illness, I cannot get a job because I will not have a degree or security, I have a partner who will break up with me any day now because I am too much to deal with, my parents are disappointed in me and are getting closer to death every day, I cannot afford therapy (even if I could, I cannot handle getting dropped as a client again), and I have been on six or seven medications and they have all failed. I just want to know if there is anywhere in my life can look at before making any decisions. Where do I search for a new reason to live?",Suicidal +23673,"I have been dating this guy for over a year and we have contemplated about moving out together for future plans if we ever get married. He insisted he brings his suicidal father along and I am not sure how to feel about it. I am suicidal as well but hearing the stories about his dad makes me extremely sad. Attempted suicide. Wanted to cut himself but chickened out. I am sure this will because distress and more anxiety for me if he lives with us because I cannot cope with him. I love his dad but when I needed his dads help the most, he just shut me out and did not listen to what I had to say. So its a hate/ love relationship. My boyfriend did tell his dad that I did not want to live with him and this caused his dad to be depressed. In this case I am not sure about living with his dad in the future. I have been asking advice from friends and they have all suggested that I should not live with his dad. I would to have more insights on this. Suicidal Parent",Suicidal +23674,I want to just end my life quickly and painlessly since nobody gives a shit about me. I have nobody...,Depression +23675,"[any personal/identifying details are removed] If you are reading this, then I am sorry. Please forgive me, although I know that might take some time. This was purely my decision, and its not your fault, or anyone elses. There is not anything that you could have done. I feel so broken and so lost, maybe now I can finally, *finally* find peace. I owe you an explanation: the longer my life goes on, the worse it gets. In regards to so many different problems in my life, all I hear is, It will get better. Its not getting better. Any of it. Participating in life is tedious, draining, unfulfilling, and *incredibly* sad. Though you are now probably experiencing bewilderment, anger, and grief because of what I have done, please know this: I did not *want* to die. Almost everyone and everything in my life was supportive of me. I wanted to try at life - to attempt to grow old. The world was truly a beautiful place at times. This was especially true because of my wonderful family (all of it), and because of [removed] friends in particular: [removed names]. To these friends: even though the time in our lives when we would see each other has long since passed, you were there when I was the happiest. You were rays of pure sunshine in an otherwise bleak world. To you, and all of the other extraordinary friends I have known along the way, thank you for being there for me. I was seriously lucky to know all of you. The thing is I feel emotionally unfit to keep wading against the currents of life. I am *so* sad almost *all* of the time, and I cannot do anything about it. Believe me, I have tried and tried. You name it: sobriety, exercise, mindfulness, meditation, self-help material, multiple medications, multiple doctors, multiple therapists, and even a psychiatrist. To me, suicide has been an insidious and ever-present mental, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual cancer ever since the first time I heard about it in childhood. I almost feel like this was inevitable. I have always felt like an outsider looking in on life - never a participant, only an observer. I have thought about suicide at least once per hour (excluding sleep) for over a decade. After trying to simply just *hold on* for years, I guess the final straw broke the camels back. There were brief periods when I thought I might be able to overcome this feeling. When I was able to potentially envision a future, it was so liberating. These periods were always due to help from other people. I tried so hard to be my own source of light and strength, instead of looking to others, but that is just not how I am. I have always needed some help. To be blunt, I never thought I would make it to [age removed]. Now, I am [that age + slightly older], and as time passes, the relative stability and occasional optimism of my past has completely eroded into an existence that has no fulfillment, only despair and pain. After years and years of desperately trying to find meaning and motivation, there is no future. I cannot envision it. Its just nothing. I feel totally lost. This, in combination with the increasingly crushing burdens of being an alive human being, leaves me with only one option: to quit. This feels like the only thing over which I have ever actually had control. To stop struggling against the currents of life and let them overtake me sounds like the most appealing thing imaginable. I am sorry to pass this pain onto you, but if you are reading this, then you are stronger than I ever was. I just could not take it any more. Being the perpetual observer is **so** lonely. If *you* are lonely, then I am truly sorry for you. Those moments when you have something that you would like to share, but there is no one there - I know that pain well. I have felt fundamentally alone and lonely since I started retaining memories. The one thing that I always really wanted was to travel, but I never got to do that very much. The farthest I ever got was [location removed]. In the future, if you are ever at a particularly beautiful place, or in a wondrous moment, maybe think of me - just briefly. If I am lucky, Ill get to be right there beside you. If I am even luckier, Ill soon get to surf the waves of spacetime.I am so sorry, and I love you - yes, *you* - so much. Fuck it, here is a draft of my suicide note. See if you can relate (hint: you can)",Suicidal +23676,it is not obvious that to live is the way. the grand finale,Suicidal +23677,"I think we can all agree that 2020 was a crappy year (then again what year is not crappy, 2021 is no different, but 2020 was definitely crappier than most). However, for me it was the most relatively stable time in YEARS. It was by no means perfect and I still wanted to die, but most of the time I actually looked forward to the next day whereas now I get a panic attack every time I wake up realizing that I did not die in my sleep. Back in 2020, I did not go to school much because of corona, so I had less school stress. My relationships with others were good, and I always daydreamed of a perfect future. let us fast forward to now. I hardly get any sleep or relaxation due to the stupid summer classes and tuitions she puts me in. I have either pushed everyone I love away because that is the asshole I am, or they pushed me away. Everyone who told me they cared for me probably do not give two shits about me now. My days are filled with worry, depression and anxiety, with some bursts of positive energy that only come from sugar and caffeine, which leave me even more tired and depressed after. Most of my time is spent in nostalgia, mostly for my childhood when my only worries were when my favorite cartoons would come on and the occasional bully, however sometimes I am nostalgic for things that happened a few months, or even a few days ago, because I am starting to realize how quickly time passes us by. To make things worse, my school starts in a few years, so more depression and anxiety is on its way. And in a few years, I will be an adult, so I will get, ""Depression, Anxiety and All the Other Negative Emotions Special Edition: Now with Bills and Student Loans!""I should have killed myself back in 2020. I should not have waited for my life to deteriorate more. If I killed myself when things were relatively good, I would have gotten a happy ending rather than the painful memories flashing before my eyes if I killed myself now. Of course, I was too scared back then and I am too scared even now.You know, if there is one thing that society's right about, it is that there is a lesson to be learnt from almost every situation. I would not say that going through all this shit was worth the lesson, but I did learn that the world and society will always be fucked up, greedy assholes, that things will never get better, that getting too attached to people too quickly is a deathtrap because 99.9% of people who say they care about you will backstab you, that the saying, ""it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all"" is bullshit, that only people society deems to be 'mentally healthy' and have not seen true pain hate the idea of death. People like you and me and everyone on this subreddit have been through shit that made us realize that death is probably the best part of life. Sure, some of us might fear death, and yeah it is NEVER okay to encourage someone to take their life, but I have learnt not to hate death and embrace and love the fact that, even if not now, it will come eventually. I should have killed myself when things were relatively good",Suicidal +23678,"I get that high school is not that hard but its hard to do anything in the first place, on top of feeling like I have lost all the potential I had before. How do I make it through school like this",Depression +23679,"Sometimes I feel like people just will not listen to this simple truth. They always want to blame it on you being the problem. I am going to use some of my disabilities and quirks as an example. First off I was born left handed. When I was a child it was virtually impossible to find people to teach you things left handed. So I learned to do most things outside of writing right handed or tried to learn on my own. This basically cut me off from ever pursuing a career that required precise technical abilities. Think surgeon, athlete, etc. I was also born with adhd, which went undiagnosed until my teen years when learned behavior becomes harder to introduce. I was repeatedly punished because I was treated like the rest of the kids. This had a rather horrible effect on me and forced my thoughts and my self inward later in life. And I believe this is where my life long depression took root. I still to this day struggle with simple tasks that neurotypicals do not even bat an eyelash at. Lastly I was born with the learning disability dyscalculia. I was actually good at math when I had the time and patience to work out the numbers. I only ever had one math teacher who had patience with me and low and behold I excelled that year. The rest of my math life is full of shame, yelling, and bad grades. Considering all this all I ever hear from therapists, family, and friends is its all in your head, you can do anything I can just as well but I cannot....So why is not it normal for me to be depressed? there is no fix for my two disabilities. I am doomed to be less adjusted and slower than everyone else. When almost every well paying and secure job is out of reach for you you are fucked. I am just so tired of people treating me like a worthless lazy bastard when in reality I am trying 10x harder than most of my peers. Life is objectively unfair for some people",Depression +23680,"I am so tired, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot do anything anymore. I have no motivation in life and absolutely no desire to even try to fix any of this. I just want to end it all but I cannot. I am feeling so hopeless. Just wanted to be able to say this somewhere. I wish all the best for everyone here, life's not easy but hopefully we can make it somehow. I do not want to do this anymore",Depression +23681,"Does anyone elses mood fluctuate to the point where you cannot take it anymore? I have just been diagnosed with major depressive disorder but my mood will not stop changing all damn day long. I generally wake up extremely anxious and terrified to the point where I do not want to be alive. This tends to get slightly better as the day goes on but my mood, brain fog, and overall just feeling weird persists. I am convinced something is physically wrong with me even though MRIs and blood work have come back fine. Does anyone else experience this? I am at a total loss. Unbearable mood swings many times a day?",Depression +23682,"I am a 22 yo, recent college grad who is been struggling w severe treatment resistant depression for 3 yrs. I have tried over a dozen meds, dbt, cbt, been to residential & iop programs alike, & done tms w little success. I have moved back in w my parents & just c no way out - that ill b depressed & useless & live w them forever. i feel like this is fate telling me its time to die, but I am too weak to even do that. my psychiatrist wants me to do ect but i do not want to risk memory loss. how do i get myself comfortable w dying? or is there still hope for me? sending love to all out there also struggling <3 i think its time to die but i do not hv the strength to do it",Depression +23683,I am just amused about how much I am fucking up my life that I cannot control it and burst into crying/laughing fits. Rather than crying I laugh,Suicidal +23684,"I have had to rebuild my life from scratch repeatedly. I realized, I am 33. I have spent over a third of my life homeless, through no fault of my own. I am facing it again. How do I keep my job? How do i keep everything together? How do I avoid losing literally everything, again?That voice, it tells me it is so much easier just to die. Then I can finally rest. And it is right. I am tired. I really, really, do not want to keep doing this. I know everyone has ups and downs, well, I am tired of mine. I am tired of these mediocre highs compounded by losing everything lows.I do not have a single thing in my life worth fighting for. I am so tired",Suicidal +23685,"I am not immobile, but I feel comatose. I see people speaking. Things unfolding. Life happening. I do not interact, I watch. My life, as I know it, is in hiatus. I feel nothing, even as I know I should not. I am alone in this room[,](/r/careyharahan) in this city, in this universe, stranded.Does my body function on its own mind? Am I a passenger, mouth taped shut and eyes taped open? Sunk into the depths below as this person lives on? I hear my name, I read my name, but it all feels foreign. I am supposed to talk, but there is no reason, no purpose. I read all these messages, I apologize months later, and I hear less. Life is quiet. Awake in a coma",Depression +23686,"It was acc pathetic af, only half a bottle of booze and 5 sleeping pills what the fuck was I thinking. My mum had to comfort me and scold at me Just made the shittest suicide attempt",Suicidal +23687,My wife is currently in an uncontrollable rage caused by depression (so angry I have had to leave the house). We do not have any real problems but she says she will not calm down til I apologize for what she is angry about.The problem is something really petty which she actually caused. I completely understand that she is in a confused mindset but how can I apologize for something I had no control of?I do not know what to do What should I do?,Depression +23688,"I will win no matter what because it is going to be the only accomplishment, the only thing I can be proud of. it will be the only thing in my entire life I will not fuck up. that is why I am going to win this event. 65 days to go. The powerlifting competition in September will be the last day of my life.",Suicidal +23689,could not find my dads gun in the morning but the chain hanging my punching bag looking real enticing who would like to talk me out of killing myself,Suicidal +23690,"love sucks i swear to god people are fake and you will not be missed, they do not give a shit, at least they try to act like they do but they fucking do not, you can help them to go through the worst storm of their lives and they will still let you down. if you hesitate to leave your partner fucking do it do not waste your time fuck love",Depression +23691,"I cannot go on like this anymore. My life fucking sucks. No friends. My family say they love me but at this point I cannot tell. All my dad does 24/7 is yell at me for being a loser and always staying at home (he does not know I am depressed and have suicidal thoughts). I was thinking about telling him until at dinner the other night he said depression does not exist so I am not telling him. My mom is nicer than my dad. I told her I was depressed like a month ago and she cried. Then I asked her if she would take me to the doctor to get diagnosed and she said ok. But that was a month ago and she still never made an appointment. I am a lazy fuck who sits at home all day with no friends and I am not going to keep living this way. I have to end it. I need to. I have no choice. I do not know how or when I will do it but it will have to be a long time from now, because I am too scared at the moment. I refuse to live like this. I need to die.",Suicidal +23692,"I am so fucking tired of this my life sucks i got held back again so I am a freshmen when i should be a junior because i never do my work i have no irl friends no actual hobbies ill play videogames n stuff but what 16 year old boy does not play videogames i have some online friends i even was edating someone and they were the only one of the people online i feel i could actually talk too i wanted to help her i wanted to be their for her, her guardian angel as corny as that sounds because she has severe depression (i was the last person she talked to after she tried killing herself by taking pills when we were close friends i always liked her romantically tho) and she tried to kill herself after we broke up once she asked me if id be said if she killed herself. And she is also anorexic she only eats 500 calories a day. I found out when we were dating that the reason she tried to kill herself was because she thought noone would ever love her flaws and all i thought of how i told her i thought her cuts were beautiful (never encouraged it) and how she must be happy now. And then she broke up with me over some stupid shit on my end and now i have no one and apparently she is already with someone i feel she might have been lying to me. It does not help that I have been upset over her since march before we even dated. Honestly idek if i should be posting in this subreddit its not like I am about to kill myself right now or anything but i want to die I am just afraid of suffering so guns would probably be the only way id kms wonder how long ago i would have done it if i had a gun I want to die",Suicidal +23693,"I am E. My mum is J[08/07, 19:08] E: that is it[08/07, 19:08] E: I am done ranting[08/07, 19:08] E: I cannot stop crying[08/07, 19:13] J you are 23 an living in your bf...you need 2 stand on your own 2 feet an jus get on wi it an stop talkin 2 people like shit or you wil b on ur own[08/07, 19:14] J: you say all the same shit 2 martin that you say 2 (sister) an 2 me[08/07, 19:15] E: You have no idea what I am going through[08/07, 19:15] E: I am not getting angry at you[08/07, 19:16] J: God you say all the same shit E[08/07, 19:16] J: People r going to nt want to b around you[08/07, 19:16] E: But I have got chronic non stop electric current type pain. I am so depressed I have not showered in days. My hair is knotted. I am covered in cuts. I have not slept in 2 days. I am hallucinating and hearing things.[08/07, 19:17] E: I know that[08/07, 19:19] E: I spend every morning crying alone silently. Same every night. I dream about my dad being alive almost every night. I wake up, turn over expecting dad and I grieve again. that is why I refuse to sleep. And now I am so in the habit I cannot sleep. Because I cannot bare the pain in my heart when I wake up[08/07, 19:20] E: There are so many days where I just want to end my life. And it is the only time I actually feel a moment of peace because then when I am dead I will not feel like this[08/07, 19:20] E: Goodnight mum[08/07, 19:22] J: Night[08/07, 19:22] E: You are not going to say anything[08/07, 19:22] E: About what I have just said[08/07, 19:22] J: No[08/07, 19:22] J: cannot b bothered[08/07, 19:23] E: You do not care that I am suffering?[08/07, 19:23] E: You cannot be assed to even say I love you[08/07, 19:23] J: Here we go again[08/07, 19:23] J: Night elle My mum left me for dead after a drug overdose. I was unresponsive and she left me unconscious on the floor possibly dying, knowing I had overdosed. Why am I surprised",Suicidal +23694,Tried several over last few years and has not helped and in fact I feel much worse as time goes on. does not help that my mother constantly berates me and diminishes m issues despite the fact her own father killed himself What exactly is one supposed to do if therapy has not helped whatsoever and you only feel more and more suicidal every week?,Suicidal +23695,My old life and everything and almost everyone I loved is gone. Taken away. I do not know if I should hope for better or just die. The only things holding me back are hurting my mom and the thought of dying like this; things cannot worsen if I am dead but they also cannot improve. Should I even try?,Suicidal +23696,"Hello everyone! Long story short, I downloaded a friend finding app and found someone who seems cool to hang out with based on their description. We talked once via voice chat for about an hour. They revealed to me they have depression. I am a bit confused because the person told me we could hang out sometime, but whenever I message them I get no response at all. My social anxiety kicked in and I cannot tell if the person just does not care about being friends, or if they are going through a rough time and messaging someone right now is too much for them. They posted themselves crying not too long ago, but my social anxiety makes me think that they just do not want to talk to me and only said we should hang out last time to appeae nice.If they constantly post to social media but will not answer messages, that definitely means they are not interested, or does that mean they may be going through a difficult time? I want to become friends with someone going through depression advice?",Depression +23697,My depression comes and goes these past days have been bad. I am so tempted to go to my peace place and go sit on the the bridge that is there. I am so lost with myself I feel so alone even when I am not. My energy is running low and I have to go to work and take care of my siblings I feel like I am going to break one day and self harm again imma try best to not. I keep worrying about money I grew up poor so when I see my account going lower I freak out even though things are going to be ok. I just keep thinking about so much. I cannot even explain it anymore,Depression +23698,"This feels very weird to do this, but maybe I just need to get it off my chest. I have been struggling for a long time now with suicidal thoughts. Probably since I was a teenager. I have a really hard time making friends and understanding social media so I often feel constantly left out. And on top of that I am an aspiring artist that cannot seem to get their career off the ground. I do not feel like a failure, I am one. No matter how hard I try or what I do Ali just can not seem to get anything right. I have developed terrible coping mechanisms and pretending to be happy is not working anymore. I am usually the person that people go to when they are sad, because I like making them feel better. But I do not seem to have a person I can do that with. Life seems so much easier for everyone around me. They do not even have to try and make friends it just comes naturally. Maybe this is just stupid but I am really tired of trying. I just do not see the point when even my own family barely supports me. I recently had major surgery and ever since that day I wish I had just died on the operating table. Because then I would not be alive struggling to be happy. I really want to give up so badly. Maybe I am also just too pathetic to kill myself anyway. I just want everything to stop, I am so exhausted. Hey, I am struggling",Suicidal +23699,Just a lonely 26 year old dude. I want someone to cuddle with me. Someone help me. I am tired of all this lonliness,Suicidal +23700,"I will never enjoy happy moments because i feel like their not real.I will never fall in love because i do not know if I am in love or just desperate and tired of being lonley.I have to ignore all my feelings like i have to ignor the sadness, i just do not see a difference in feelings anymore if I am sad the whole time and its because of mentall illness then its not a real feeling then why should the other moods be real they are just feelings like this sadness. I cannot trust my feelings",Suicidal +23701,"Throwaway account lolI think, though it would be a more painful life, it would be easier if people did not care about me. For years I have been living for others, and it feels like shit. Namely my mom and my girlfriend. In the past I have lived for my friends, but i do not feel like they care much anymore. My friends are great but do not show that they care about me much. But maybe that is just me being too needy.I have been suicidal consistently for years, it is one of the only constants in my life. For a few weeks at a time maybe I will be not so suicidal but ultimately it is something i always end up coming back to. The only things in my life that feel constant- reliable, is that I will always be suicidal, and I will always have this disease (t1d). It feels life if i do not kill myself my body will anyway. Anyway the main point of this post i guess is that i do not feel like i want to be alive, but i know it would hurt others if i killed myself. And i cannot stand the guilt of that thought. I feel like a failure and a burden. And i do not want to be alive anymore. I absolutely do not want to breathe anymore or live with my own thoughts. But people care about me. And that makes things complicated.Anyone else struggle with this? Living for others",Suicidal +23702,"I was thinking of getting a cat or a dog to take care of, do they help? Does a pet really help?",Depression +23703,"there is this future I dream of that Id really like to happen for me. maybe its dumb to hold on for something that could possibly never happen, but I want to grow and bloom with this person. I have decided recovering and getting better with this person is what I want to do. I will try to do it and I hope they try for me, too.sn will always be an option for me, though. and just an hour ago, I was almost set on hanging recovering will be so hardI wish everyone well. I am sorry life has brought us to this point, but I am rooting for all of us always.hugs. I have decided to stay, for now.",Suicidal +23704,"I think I am at the end of my road. I do not see a point in living anymore. The world is going to shit around us with climate change, mass extinctions and civil unrest and emergencies. I am not happy. I have not been truly happy in years. Its not fair that I have to keep living like this just for the sake of others. I think its my time to go. At my end",Suicidal +23705,Can depression contribute to the hatred of socialising and other people? I just do not have time for anyones bullshit or flip flop moods I just shut down and leave Socialising,Depression +23706,"I do not really know how else to title this other than, I really just am struggling to live. I want to die so badly, but not at home where my family can find me. But it is not because I care about their well-being (well except from my brother and my niece). I know what would happen if my mom found my corpse. ""I do not know why she did it, she was so *happy*. I was such a *good* mother.""I am not happy. And you were not a good mom.I hate myself, I hate my life. I am so ready to finally kill myself, but I do not want to because a mess or anything for someone else to clean up. that is why I am not going to actually do anything.Nothing brings me joy or pleasure. Everyone uses me. I am never going to be really loved by anyone. The only time I was loved was by my abusive ex boyfriend, R. At least, it *felt* like love. Then every other relationship has been just as bad. I get all stupid because someone tells me they love me and I am special.As it stands, I am trying so hard to live and try to make it to the next week. I am not hopeful, but I am still forcing myself to get up and exist. It feels like labor. Thank God for Studio Ghibli. Hayao Miyazaki's work is the only thing keeping me going. That probably sounds stupid, but it is the one thing that helps me think that maybe if I hold on for tomorrow I could also be happy.I am not going to kill myself right away or even this year. But I wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks in advance for reading. I am struggling to live.",Suicidal +23707,"right now i am at my house, alone for the first time and i really want to just stop everything. i cannot find my worth or a reason to keep on going. i do not know how to keep on going, everything seems so blurry and unimportant, i think ill fee at ease when i am finally done. i do not know why i am writing this here, but my thoughts are killing me and i had to write them somewhere. hope you all have a good day. rn i am drinking alone in my house and i cannot handle my thoughts",Depression +23708,"It feels like i have literal rocks on my whole body, holding me back, holding me down, like thoughts being manifested in my nervous system, cannot move or think with these Rocks",Depression +23709,I am tired of trying for other people. I do not care about getting better because I do not want to be alive at all. Its making me hate the people around me every time they say they need me around or something of the sorts. I do not fucking care if I am selfish. I did not choose to be here and now I am forced to be alive and its bullshit.WHY is it so fucking hard to just be able to Kill myself. I deserve to have that right over my body and my life and to not have people try to stop me. I hope to god I can figure it out today and that this is my last day here. I am tired.,Suicidal +23710,Anyone else tired of having to wake up everyday and go to work? It feels like a never ending repetitive cycle. Its not that i do not like working its just my depression makes it so i have no energy or motivation to do anything let alone go to work everyday. Tired of work,Depression +23711,He caused me pain and heartbreak in the past but i still miss him. I do not know. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me and i just miss the kind of love i got from him. I miss my ex.,Suicidal +23712,i no longer would like to participate. i feel done,Suicidal +23713,"And now I can never go back, I wish its my soul I knew I ruined my life",Suicidal +23714,"I have hit my lowest point. I cannot look forward to anything, not A single thing. And I am too afraid/cannot afford to get help I am depressed beyond belief",Depression +23715,"I recently found an apprenticeship in another city which forces me to move out and live on my own in around 2 weeks.My family was so surprised and came forward to congratulate me, telling me how proud they are and how big of a chance this whole thing is. This alone makes me feel so useless. None of them believed id actually find someone who would want to hire somone like me, a depressed and nihilistic loner without any passion or talent, already overtaken by all his ex classmates. But this is not even my point. I just cannot see what is supposed to be positive about my future life. Ill spend half of my day working a job that gives me no joy, then come home into my tiny one room apartment and waiting for the next day to begin so i can go to work again. I have nothing i can spend my spare time on. I have no hobbies or friends and I am not capable of finding any.My family will be a few hours away and i do not even have a car.Ill be as miserable as one could get while my family celebrates me finally getting exploited by capitalism and there is nothing i can do about it. I have no power and no hope and I am pretty sure i will not make it till the end of my apprenticeship. Why do they congratulate me?",Suicidal +23716,"When you are really really depressed so deeply that you have no power,but there is something you immediately have to do as well,how do you get motivated? If there is anyMy fuel in such case had been anxiety, but even that does not work as i grow old Please give me advise",Depression +23717,"Got the ADHD from my mom and the depression from my dad. it is an unbearable combination. For some weeks I think that everything is possible and I can achieve everything I want, but I am too restless to focus on anything so I fail mercilessly. And when I realize that nothing worked out (again...), I cannot leave my bed and I want to kill myself. that is what my life has been for the last 10 years. Yeah, knowing that the shitty depressive times do not last forever is a small consolation, but I also know that the depression will be back, so I do not see a point in getting my life on track just to ruin it shortly after. I am not made for this life, I cannot contribute to this society if my mood is not stable at all. I am afraid of the future and just want to stop existing. I see myself living on the streets in 5 years because I cannot keep a job for long and no one will just give me money so I can lie in bed and cry all day and night. I am a genetic disaster",Depression +23718,"Idk where to start haha... I just know that if I do not vent I am going to go insane... I am uhm... I am holding back tears right now and my anxiety is at peak levels so I feel like I am going to puke... I just... God these last few months were so much better for me... I thought I was getting better... I was not constantly flitting between being a numb robot which calmly enjoyed thinking of killing itself and a girl who was always on the verge of tears, always anxious and scared shitless of her own thoughts... That was fucking terrible and I... I cannot make it through that again... These last few days... With my dad leaving on a trip and leaving me in charge of mom, who is going through an episode rn (she has BPD)... And my brother who is older to me but just... does not help... I am still recovering... I am not nearly as strong as I used to be... Idk if I can take it... Handling mum in her episode all alone I mean... And my fear and anxiety is only made worse by the fact that everyone is on edge about this trip of dad's and they are taking it out on me... My dad telling me that I am useless (while also saying things like I am the only reason he can leave) and just making me feel like shit about myself... Like I am not doing enough... I am trying so hard... I swear I am... I am giving it my all... But rn? I cannot do shit like studying... All of my energy is going in pretending that I am not fucking losing it or fine with this whole situation... So when I am not doing things for them I am playing minecraft... Something I find fun and relaxing and therapeutic almost... Just... Whatever! I know it is a fucking waste of time but really dad? Now? You want to tell me that I am wasting time and I will regret it now? When I am already feeling like shit about myself and you know it? Not cool... Fucking give me a break! I am not the perfect daughter you wanted...I am sorry... I just cannot be that... I mean... Who tells their kid who is A) just coming out of depression, B) just expressing her feelings, C) literally is coming out of depression solely because she followed her therapist's advice to express her feelings instead of bottling them up, that she is not allowed to show anger or be upset? Who does that?I wish I was fucking kidding but dad said that... Because it might upset mum... God forbid mum sheds a tear! Me? Pshhh let me cry rivers... Who fucking cares? Oh silently smothering myself with a pillow so no one can hear me cry of course... God forbid MOM hears me and gets upset... Now if you will excuse me... Imma do just that... Go smother myself with a pillow and cry myself to sleep... If you made it this far... Thank you for listening... Seriously... I... I needed to be heard for once... I do not want to go back there again... Please god no... I do not think I will survive...",Depression +23719,"I am always so flat and depressed, and cannot take one more day of it. Can anyone give me suggestions tgat helped you with having a drive for life?? I will do ANYTHING to feel motivated!",Depression +23720,Please can i talk to someone? especially if you struggle with psychotic symptoms. I am so bad,Suicidal +23721,"No, I will not ""keep holding on"". I do not see anything that could make me to. Why all the effort? what is it all for? Nothing, just eternal struggle. The further I get, the narrower the tunnel gets, only one option remains. it is all death anyway, why wait? it is so comforting to even think about it. Just eternal peace, blackness, nothing. As it was before I came here. Please, do not spit me out to this reality again. How is holding on preferable to just letting go? what is there at the end that is so worth it?",Suicidal +23722,So for the past several weeks I lived with a man who had several girls in the same situation as me life with him and everything was paid for just in exchange for full access to my body. I told him no and he locked me into a room with no bathroom or food for an entire day. I left this morning but now I have no idea where to go. I guess I will go to a women's shelter but then what? what is the point here? What am I supposed to do with anything? I have no idea what to do. I have no friends or family and no money or anything. I am in a Starbucks just doing nothing right now,Suicidal +23723,"Sleeping is supposed to make you forget but everytime you close your eyes, all memories flashes back and it hurts. I cannot sleep with a brokenheart",Depression +23724,"We are not looking for your daily quotes and inspirations, no offense, but most of us do not even have the energy to be happy. It sounds happy on the surface but it is not going to fix what the depressed person is going through. Instead, actively listen to what they are trying to say, most of them do not want just anybody to fix their problems, they just need somebody to listen and to understand. Things are not just going to magically disappear the next day. People who have never been depressed before do not really understand how tiring it is just to get out of bed and even remotely try to enjoy life. I feel these responses are lazy and do not give enough attention to the actual person but sweeping them under the rug. ""Go for a walk, enjoy life, be happy"" are all the wrong things to say to a depressed person",Depression +23725,"I feel so so dumb. If it is something whether it be a story video game or an anime or a book, I just do not comprehend the story or plot. Ivdont know how to explain it, butnits like I am just looking at the current situation, and that is it. I am not putting together the story or the whole meaning of it all, my mind just does not get it unless I go over it many times. Am I just stupid or is this a depression trait? I can still enjoy some of these things but I usually do not know wtf I am watching or if it makes sense or if the plot makes sense but my brain just does not care. cannot follow plots or story at all",Depression +23726,i just want fucking die i cannot take it anymore. i want to die,Suicidal +23727,"I did not realize how deep into depression I was until I finally took two days in a row of PTO to take care of myself. It felt so amazing I cried from happiness lol. I guess I became so invested in my job that is causing me mental and physical health issues that I did not notice how much I have let myself go and stopped taking care of myself. Fuck work, I am planning to do more self care from now on. Taking care of myself for once",Depression +23728,Pls i need help. I cannot take it no more Counseling,Depression +23729,"I just cannot help to think that I will lose the war. so why keep on fighting? why be in pain just to end it all? why not do it now? I am a minimalist, I can fit all my stuff in my minivan but I still feel like I have so much stuff. I just get overwhelm, I rather not have things. I will stay in seattle for few more months and I will just move around and end my life I guess everyday is a battle",Suicidal +23730,"I had my 4th appointment at my new therapist. So its quite a fresh relationship. Today she told me, we had to define goals for therapy so my insurance covers the costs. She said and I quote: I am not sure what your goals are. I would like to work with you, but I do not feel like we are sitting in the same boat. I cannot paddle around and hold out a rope for you to cling to, when I am not sure, you even want to grab it.I started to dissociate like I always do, when I cannot handle the pressure. She kept looking at me and after some time I started crying and just said: first of all, I do not Even know which lake we are in, second: yes I am so not sure about whether I would like sit in the boat or cling to the rope or if I would just like to drown in the fucking lake and let it be. I am tired of trying to stay afloat. I am tired of trying. I just want to go down, drown and let it the fuck go. I do not know, where these words came from. I heard them, like someone else was talking. But the longer I think about it, the more I think its True. I am totally lost at the moment. Should I keep going there, but than I need goals? The goal not to try to end it all does not seem enough for my therapist. How can I try not to give in on the thoughts of letting it go? New therapist uncovered suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +23731,"Everything feels like its in free fall. I feel like falling apart. It seems like every aspect of my life is falling apart. At work, at home, with friends and with family. I cannot fix anything. I do not know how to fix anything. I have been seeking help for the last 5 years or so, but its not helping. I can treat my mental illness with all the medications in the world, but it will never be fixed. I cannot be fixed. I am just so tired of holding on. Why cannot I just get better? I do not know how much longer I can go.",Suicidal +23732,"Please I am just exhausted at this point.... I just want to not exist anymore. I do not want to die, I do not want to hurt my family like that.. But honestly I cannot cope with all this pain anymore. I do what is expected of me, I help with all I can.. I help so much that I only live on 20 euros a week and give all my money to my struggling mother. It feels like I am the person who is there for everyone and no one is there for me. They say they are there for me but when I say how I feel I either get pushed aside or ignored. I do not see a way out anymore.. I cannot see forward. I cannot deal with all the arguments, all the hateful shit that is said, I just want to be happy. I just want to love you and be loved by you, not fight all the fucking time. Why is this so hard. I give my all to everyone in my life.. All I ever get silence. I am not doing this anymore. I am not going to give my heart to anyone anymore. I am sick of being fucking hurt. I am sick of crying every night and staying up until the sun comes up.. I am sick of sitting in silence alone.. I am sick of feeling alone while with people. How am I here at 29! I am not the woman I thought I would be at 29. ""the day you stop caring will be a great day for me""...Well my love, you just got your wish. I do not care anymore. I am exhausted.",Depression +23733,"Everywhere I look, there are unreachable standards and expectations. Even the slightest mistake is picked up and shown as proof of failure. Why? Does it make people feel good to be above others? And how do some pass without even the slightest setback? Why am I so sensitive? This is only making me look like a fool in front of others. Why is everyone so judgemental? what is the point? How do some not care?",Suicidal +23734,"When I was a little child I used to be the gifted kid. I read history encyclopedias at 6 years, I started my third language at 8 years old, I loved biology, geography, history, languages, chemistry. At 12 people started harrassing me verbally and sometimes sexually non stop. It all went downhill from there. I became sad all the time, zoned out during classes, my grades declined and dropped to an average student that got mediocre grades at exams and entered a mediocre high school and I hate that so much. I hate how fucked up my brain has become because of the constant harrasment and hate that I received daily for years and years until I managed to move to another country. I miss having the ability and willingness to learn and perform well but I fear I lost it forever. I hate depression and the people that willingly turned me this way. I hate people. I hate how dumb I became because of this illness",Depression +23735,Does anyone understand the feeling of trying really hard to feel human. Feeling the need to justify all your actions to yourself in your head even the slightest movement needs a reason that I need to know even when no one is around. Not feeling like a whole person like a girl like a teenager like a thing with emotions and interests. Always trying to be normal whatever that means. I really forgot what that means. Trying to prove that I am really here doing all the things I do but its hard when I cannot feel the weight of my actions. I do not feel like I am watching myself from far away I know I do everything I do but it feels out of my control. If I had to explain it its like i have a body bigger than my own that takes the blows rather than the me inside. A coping mechanism maybe? Distant feeling,Depression +23736,"I am tired of hearing that bullshit lie its gets better it does not.No matter how much I try to better my self, it feels like I am meant to be this type failure at life and if I do have luck and do something good its never good enough for anyone.I am literally a walking on a thin line, everyday the past 2 years all I can think about is killing myself and being dead. I tried meds but I just felt like I was not even living and I was a zombie.I rather be dead then living tbh, even if my life was perfect and I got handed all the money I want I would still be my same old self with this mindset.I honestly feel like nothing well change the reason why I want to die or even be happy about this life. I feel so drained, living is just so much work to me. Everything just seems to go to shit every-time I try better myself. Nobody actually cares how you/I feel, every-time someone ask why I hate living, they just tell me its better.",Suicidal +23737,"I have just had to cut off an extremely close personal friend because of his abusive tendencies. coming to terms with the fact that hes a bad person has been so unbelievably difficult. i feel so alone now, and I am wondering if anyone else would ever even love me. I have been searching for a lifelong friend my whole life, i moved around a ton and i never got along with my family when i was younger so i never had anybody i could share my life with and i thought i found someone who i could and it turns out i cannot. I have been struggling with depression for a while now and the only person i could lean on pushed me away and hurt me. I am so alone and i do not know what to do. I am not contemplating suicide but i feel like I am dying I am at the end of my rope.",Depression +23738,I finally washed my hair after almost 10 months. The thing that helped was on one day I sat down and untangled my matted hair with my hand as much as I could instead of reaching for the comb directly. It took me an hour. Listening to a podcast helped. The next day I used a comb. I think I did this about twice in those 10 months. it is not some great achievement. But I wanted to record this to remind myself of the hell I have gone through. My brain is such that as I am slowly coming out of the fog I berating mysef for the lost time forgetting that I was heavily depressed. Please be kind towards yourself everyone who is suffering here. tip for tangled hair,Depression +23739,"I am completely checked out. My brain literally feels like it is frying & I do not have three weeks to wait till my insurance kicks in. I just got this fucking job and there is no way I am eligible for FMLA or LOA. I know when I go see him or someone I am going to be admitted, & my job is going to go down the drain and I will be kissing my insurance goodbye. Which is going to because more chaos in my life. I want to be happy but Id much rather be dead.When I get off I am going to go home & cut but the self harming is not enough for me. HELP.",Suicidal +23740,"Like the title says. Something that I am so very passionate about has been stripped away from me. I am hurting real bad. In the process of being stripped of that, my father passed away, and now I am at my cancer Dr waiting to hear my results. do not know how much more I can take. On top of all that, I turn 60 in a few days. Yea. Sorry, just had to vent. I am so depressed...",Depression +23741,"I do not know if this is just a normal reaction to a prolonged exposure to suicidal thoughts, a sort of ""numbing"", but it is creeping me out. A few months ago, I knew about it, but I could not imagine the pain my relatives would go through. Now I am sure that their pain will be only temporary and they will live a simpler life without me. Free of the massive fucking burden that I am. The everyday life just pains to go through and I am a huge failure for not succeeding in it. I will make them some space at least. The fear of not succeeding and of the remorse my relatives may experience is withering away.",Suicidal +23742,"So I am 17, nearly 18 and I cannot help but feel like these are supposed to be some of the best years of my life. Except they are really not. Some days I feel so suicidal that i struggle to get out of bed and I constantly feel like I am not good enough and that I am a burden. I have an amazing boyfriend and I am scared he is going to end up hating me because of all the horrible things I say that I do not mean. I am working on it but its going to take some time. But the friends thing is eating me up. I have nobody expect my boyfriend and he could just leave one day. I have a job and I get along with some of the people a similar age to me but its nothing meaningful. Jts the same at college. I get along with people but they would not want to go for a walk or to the beach ect. I hope I am making sense. I do not know if anyone else out there feels the same. Like nomatter what you just cannot seem to make friends, even though at one point you probably had alot like me.I feel like I am surrounded in an invisible bubble of depression that I cannot see but everyone else can, and they stay as far away as possible. I have no friends. I have never felt more alone",Depression +23743,#NAME?,Depression +23744,"i just want to fit in. i do not want to be made fun of anymore. i do not want people to think I am a freak, day after day AFTER FUCKING DAY I am MADE FUN OF, NOT A SINGLE DAMN PERSON HAS ANY EMPATHY, I DO EVERYTHING I FUCKING CAN TO MAKE THEM HAPPY, I MEAN **EVERYTHING** AND YET THEY STILL HATE ME. I am GOING TO COMMIT A FUCKING CRIME I am DONE. I am DONE I am FUCKING DONE. HUMANITY CAN FUCKING GO EXTINCT FOR ALL I CARE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I am done with being bullied by everyone for being mentally ill and weak",Depression +23745,"Now I know, I know, me killing myself is supposedly bad and I should stay alive for the sake of my family and friends, but let me ask you this, why? Why should I keep going in this horrible, corrupt world? I am told there is beauty in this life, I am told that I should live for the sake of not hurting others if I go, but that is not enough. You can only live for the sake of others for so long before you just drive yourself insane, and I am sure they can manage without me, would they really miss me if I was gone?As for the subject of there being beauty in this world, where is it? This world is dying, plain and simple, global warming is going to destroy everything and there is nothing we can do to stop it, the elite oppress the impoverished working class people just to get more for themselves, famine, rape, war and so on all still happen with no signs of ever slowing down. Humans are inherently hateful, greedy, self-destructive, and short-sighted creatures, and there are no signs that humanity will ever change, so why should I give them the benifit of the doubt? what is the point?At this point, suicide seems like the only logical conclusion to my thoughts. I tried religion to find meaning in this existance, and it FAILED. I tried to find meaning through my friends and family, and it FAILED. And I tried to find meaning through fucking anything else I could think of, and any reason to not just tie a rope around my neck and end it all, and all of my attempts FAILED.Well, I will see you guys on the other side, peace out. Only a few more weeks and it will all be over.",Suicidal +23746,"I just want to end this miserable life but I am scared of what is beyond after death and what happened to our consciousness once we die. I hope its just nothing and not pure hell or some religious bs, but still cannot do it despite the fact dying is much preferable than this kind of living... (although if hell exist cannot blame god for putting me in it since I deserve it anyways) Tried hanging but scared of what comes after",Suicidal +23747,"Hi everyone - maybe you can help me with my dilemma here?Had a major depressive bout in 2016. Threw the kitchen sink at it before eventually being convinced by a therapist that I should try medication. Things got worse. Then they got better.In 2017 the incident that triggered the depression came around again, and before I could get too low I went straight back on, and stayed on for another year. I have been med free since late 2018.The depression triggering incident has reared its head once again. Clearly I am not over it and have work to do. That said, my current regimen to stave off the black dog is thus:No alcohol, zero sugar, regular exercise, daily meditation, daily cold water therapy, lowering caffeine intake, CBT, and as ever reading a ton on the subject.Right now I am nearly as low as I have ever been: frequent crying fits, anxiety attacks, self harm, those thoughts etc.I discussed the idea of using SSRIs in moderate doses with my SO, and she flat out said that she disapproves of the idea. She says it changes me, and that she thinks I should keep trying everything else that I am doing. I guess I am here as a cry for help - am I letting down my partner by seeking medicinal help? Partner disapproving of meds.",Depression +23748,"So my stepdad, told me that nothing in life makes him happy anymore. Of course it was hard hearing this and I have no idea how to respond. Is there any advise than anybody can give so I can help him. He says he just gets on with it but I really want to help him My stepdad tells me hes not happy",Depression +23749,everything is awful. I am so tired i cannot even explain how fucking awful it is. I am so tired,Depression +23750,I am so done with the bad shit.... When it gets good its nice but it always goes back to shit.I want to be in love and its fuckinf depressing. Some good days some bad days..,Suicidal +23751,"I keep finding myself in situations where people end up hating me. No one really wants to be around me anymore and for the past 17 years i could never figure out why. Maybe it was my physical appearance, but even in online communities everyone eventually ends up just yelling at me, so maybe it is something I say. I have always known that I have trouble understanding ""social ques"" (i put it in quotes because i really do not understand what they are), and I know there are some people who take offence to things pretty easily, but they also champion say whatever you want and do not be afraid to talk, but when i say something they get mad but when they say something that hurts me i can either not speak up or if i do, they just yell at me some more. There are probably some that say ""DW there are nice people in the world"", and there are, I acknowledge that. But almost everyone who is at least decent in my irl world is too busy to deal with my problems. I always ask them to do stuff, anything, but they are too busy to even respond sometimes. I have always believed that being nice will get you places in life, and it does, and those nice people do not have time for me. I just want to find something to do on my own but i suck at everything so its hard to find passion :( I am alone and there is nothing more to be done",Suicidal +23752,"I am choosing to extend it till tomorrow since I have to help my family sign some documents regarding financial matters. Doing so will allow them to get some money in their hands. If I die now, they will not get this cash they have been waiting for in over 10 years. The one ""decent"" thing I can do for them before I goAnyways, I have borderline personality disorder. If you have this disorder, I think you can clearly understand why I am done with it. This disorder has effectively ruined my life. Through in a bunch of continuous trauma and you have a mentally destroyed person who cannot take anymore pain. Yesterday was, yet again, another bad relapse. I ended up hurting a frined and they blocked me. I reached out to our mutual friends but I think the damage is now done. I am fucking tired of these suicidal relapses, mistakes, and hurtful abusive behavior. There is a reason we have a bad rep and are known as abusers. Sad to say, it exists for a reason. I am done. Not only will I not be suffering anymore pain, I will not live with hurting people anymore as well. I cannot take this shit. Hey, maybe some people can live with BPD. Are willing to deal with the rollercoaster of pain and life and make it work. Cool. But I realized I should have given up a long time ago Tomorrow, after signing the documents, I will commit suicide. I will walk to a bridge not too far from where I live and jump. This will be over. I am not doing this shit anymore. Every time I decided to ""live and get better"" moments like yesterday remind me that I am not cut out for life. I should have listened to myself at 13. When my mother was abusing me I told myself ""I have to kill myself to escape"". But I thought about ""hope"". Hope? The fuck is that. Life raped me in the ass every year after that. did not care about me, and nothing I did to help myself mattered either. Still got abused, sexually assaulted years later, and hurt in other ways by other people. So, suffice to say, I am done. I will send people I know suicide letters and send them. Turn off all my electronics and then die. The end. I am not living with this disorder. I will bridge jump tomorrow",Suicidal +23753,"She has made my life a nightmare and I am not sure what to do. I love him and I am not breaking up with him but she has gone completely crazy. She keeps yelling at me, said I was trash and mentality destroying her son. It has gotten so bad to the point of her yell at me calling me fat. Her calling me fat has made me stop eating almost all together. She blames me for her 18 year old son not wanting anything to do with her. I have started struggling to get out of bed. I sleep when I do not work and cry every single day. This maybe nasty but I have a hard time keeping up with hygiene sometimes. I have even stopped taking my meds because I have no energy to do it. My boyfriend's mother is crazy",Depression +23754,"I am on my first week and I have not been feeling really depressed except for Sunday where I had kind of a breakdown. I have been feeling foggy but definitely less anxious like my mind feels like I am high kind of and I am not pulling at thin air because I cannot relax as much. Got the nausea and some headaches and also am taking sleeping pills at night, they also help my appetite which yes I have been eating a lot. Idk I feel ok? But not normal like something is kind of wrong. I feel maybe I do not need them? Like I am at peace right now and I think of things that make me sad or anxious occasionally because they just pop up but idk like something blocks that feeling. I think its also partly me that I was psyched when I was given my medication because I was looking forward to feeling ""normal"" again. But idk what do you guys think? How do I know I do not need my meds? Or am I just assuming I do not need them because nothing has happened yet? Idk I am In ok mindset. Thank you guys in advance and sorry if it is convoluted. How do I know If I do not need anti depressants?",Depression +23755,"I do not know what it is, I do not even know if its by the faults of my own doing or if there is an alternate source, whether it be internal or external, that continues to bash me on the head with ideas and thoughts that are not my own, ones that I feel cannot possibly be at my own doing. My names Nat. I am 16, trans (she/they), and autistic. All of these play a factor into what I feel may be underlying factors playing into my depression and self-sabotaging tendencies. It seems as if every friendship or relationship I have is toxic in some regard, mostly due to my influence. I am horrible at making new friends, so whenever an old friendship has officially concluded I continue to try and call them back to me, so I no longer will bathe in my own desperations and self-loathing ideologies. I beg and make a fool of myself. And the few friendships I have maintained have only been at the expense of others. Even if they say they do not mind caring for me and helping me through these problems, even if they are also there to lend a helping hand, I never feel as though I do enough in return to grasp it and accept it, that is, their love. I make a bigger deal out of problems constantly, and have no reasonable output or control of my emotions. Something as small as someone leaving me on Read can lead me down a dark spiral into depressing thoughts and much darker ideas. I feel I am not one singular person, but many different people trying to take control of a body that refuses to cooperate. The small glimpses of happiness and fulfillment are quickly overshadowed by long, drawn-out periods of mania and depression. I never feel happy with life anymore. Even when I am enjoying life, I always have a feeling in the back of my mind that I could be doing better, that I could be getting more out of life.For example, I started my first job yesterday and I loved it. The people there were really nice and helpful, and despite not wanting to work in Fast Food, I really enjoyed my time at Sonic working there. But last night I had a breakdown because I kept thinking of all the little mistakes I made and how I felt I would stay where I was and continue falling behind my coworkers. I feel as if I do not deserve peoples sympathy and love, but at the same time, crave it more than anything. I am willing to completely change who I am for someone I find admirable. My life at this point has no balance, and the smallest hint of work or anything adult like college and taxes, I shut down and am unable to function like a normal human being. Something as simple as my friend saying Sorry for not texting back, I was at work makes me want to dispose of my phone and hide away in my room from everyone, to shut myself in from the outside world. Because I feel inferior to them, I feel I could somehow be better, even if they and I are on a similar level of ability. Even now, as of writing this, I feel like I am over exaggerating, that maybe things are not as bad as I put them. After all, even if it is rare, I still can be happy. A vent",Suicidal +23756,Mirtazapine is kind of nice but the side effects I cannot live with if I want to make progress with my life.I am a mess and need to be on some sort of medication for now. Is there any other options in the uk/ nhs that is not mirtazapine or an ssri? Want to come off mirtazapine but hate SSRIS.,Depression +23757,"So my parents now know that I have suicidal thoughts and I guess they do not know what to do about it, but they do not want me to die so now they are just guilt trip the heck outta me saying things like ""If you do not know what to live for at least live for them"" something along those lines (it is a rough transition, English is not my first language sorry). they are amazing people and they know I love them so I guess I am trapped here till they die first. Guess I got to wait... (vent/rant, kind of)",Depression +23758,"WARNING: Nonconsensual support, caring, liking, or appreciation will me met by extreme hostility that may include doxxing, termination, traumatization, and death. You are required to ask for consent prior to engaging in any of the activities or feelings towards me mentioned in the first sentence. (Asking for consent is permitted either as a reply or in a DM.) I do not agree to the terms and conditions of life.",Suicidal +23759,does anyone else feel this way? like I am so tired of doing this and fighting this shit everyday. when i think about death and killing myself it makes me feel better. like a sigh of relief because i know it will be over soon and i will not have to deal with it all. the thought of suicide brings me comfort,Suicidal +23760,"In the last year my depression went from 2 to 8 and is rising steadily every day. Every choice I make comes out wrong, most important people in my life ignore me, it feels like I have a permanent headache, there is nothing I can do to change.. anything everything I do falls apart.",Suicidal +23761,"I realized that accepting bad things that happen to you is better than becoming rebellious because you have to face even more consequences and you always when you lose.Sometimes trying is not enough, just ignoring or swallowing down your thoughts seems more pleasant.With this post, I announce that I give up being a fighter because it is useless anyway. Accepting",Depression +23762,"I want to commit suicide but I do not have access to a firearm, and I would rather not mess around with hanging or an exit bag. My plan is to fill a backpack of heavy items, swim out to sea as far as I can wearing it, and drown. I have heard drowning is an awful way to go but does it really matter if you are going to die at the end of it? By that point, death is a welcome release. Is drowning a bad way to go?",Suicidal +23763,"How do you deal with the friends you cannot open up to? I have someone who is been a part of my life for a VERY long time, but every time I try to talk to him about the fact that I have been struggling, he talks over me to tell me how bad its been for him lately. Like if I say I am doing bad, hell go me too. And then ramble on about everything that is going on in his life. I have tried to talk to him about it and all he said was, Well I have got a lot going on in my life right now. Hope things get better though. And if I text him anything about my issues, like just to complain or get it off my chest, hell ignore me and when I call him out, he just says, Its a lot to process. I am busy Am I a bad friend for just wanting him to listen to me? Its so hard for me to open up and I feel like he does not care at all?? Friends advice",Depression +23764,"My life has pretty much been a downward spiral for 9 years now, ever since I permanently injured my right shoulder in gymnasium (European equivalent of high school).The injury is what started it all, but as time passed, my depression gradually grew into what it is today, in the beginning it was only negative thoughts about my injury, but as time passed and the negative thoughts got worse, they started seeping into every aspect of my life, until negative, downright self deprecating thoughts became the norm.I no longer feel like I am actually living my life, it feels like I am just going through the motions, most days I just feel numb and I cannot remember what it is like to wake up and be excited about the day ahead. But just to be clear, I have accepted that I do not have it in me to kill myself, but if I am going to continue living, I do not want to continue down the self destructive path I am on. As for the lying part. As of writing this, I am completely broke, on the verge of being kicked out of my apartment and I was kicked out of my university for inactivity 2 months ago and after having studied for 4 years, I am actually happy that I do not have to study anymore, since enrolling was just a thing I did, mainly to have a community to be a part of, but it did not help me and the stress of constantly studying, just added to it all.My family do not know any of this and I have been too scared to tell them all this, but now I have reached a point where I do not care anymore and am actually considering telling them about it all. Also because they keep asking me about my studies and my life in general and I just cannot keep lying about it anymore, I cannot keep track of the lies and it is tearing me apart, that this is what my life has become. I am mainly considering telling them, because I have come to the conclusion that I cannot get out of this myself and that I need help. No matter what plans I make to lessen the feeling of hopelessness they all amount to nothing, as the crushing hopelessness of it all, makes it hard to must any energy to do anything but just drift along with whatever happens.I am not someone who usually discusses my feelings or emotional state with people, so any advice is much appreciated. I am considering just telling my family about my depression, so I do not have to lie about my life anymore.",Depression +23765,"No matter what I do I only feel like I can sort of distract myself from it, but then I will remember that it is there it is just always there",Depression +23766,I have grown to hate everyone. I cannot care about any of them. They did not care about me so why the FUCK should I? They all deserve to have awful depressing lives as well. I wish all their SO dumped them I I their jobs fired them I wish their parents and friend and family would abandon them. I do not want anything good anymore I only want others to hurt like I have. They did not earn the good things they are shitty self centered ppl would i should ruin. I wish everyone ik would just drop dead,Suicidal +23767,"My life sucks, i fail at everything, I am 23. I want to go, just want to make sure if diesel engine exhaust fumes (carbon monoxide) would do the job (audi a6 1994 2.5 tdi). i want my attempt to be successful. do not really want to share or anything, just a clear answer. because I have heard mostly about petrol engines. I am done with everything, been feeling like this since age of 14. nothing ever gets better for me. I quit my job today",Suicidal +23768,"I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I am in therapy and I am on medication, but the medication is not working and the therapy is moving so slowly, but that is my fault. I always shut down, I have not had the courage to mention anything on my mind, because I feel so fucking anxious, and the one time I did mention I felt suicidal, I nearly had a panic attack and just asked to go home. Maybe that was a mistake, maybe I should have gone inpatient, I do not know. I probably should have because I honestly just wish I was dead, I wish I could escape from this prison which is life and not be trapped here for another 80 fucking years. I do not have any hobbies I can fall back on, I do not have anyone in my life really and the only family member I talk to has a mentality of ""if they are going to kill themselves, they will do it, I cannot stop them"" so I do not know whether to confide in them. I just feel so trapped. Its getting bad but I do not even fucking know how to die. I am just, stuck. Life feels like a prison",Suicidal +23769,"At this point I am done with everything. Yesterday my parents told me that I am going to be homeless in a week. Very likely I am going to get kicked out before then. I have really bad anxiety and depression, to the point to where I am nonfunctional. I have no friends, no relationships with people besides my close family. No job, and I just had to drop out of college in the first week of summer quarter because it is just too much to handle. Life is miserable being depressed and unable to communicate with people. I have tried a lot of different things, and nothing has helped. Except for Xanax. Literally in my entire life the only time I have ever felt normal was on a benzo. I can talk to people normally and calmly while on one. I have had difficulty with it though. I am an addict. In the past I have not been able to take it like a normal medicine. I abused it. Hard. The past few years have been difficult for all of us because of this. Still, it is the only thing that is ever made me feel normal. Recently I made a plan to get some, and I should have more by next week. Long story short, my parents found out, and they are kicking me out. When my mom found out and she absolutely freaked. She changed the wifi password and cancelled my government subsidized phone plan (which nobody else in the house has any use for, because they already have paid for phone plans). I will not be able survive homeless. Let alone homeless without a phone. Life is miserable enough as is, add homelessness and it is pure hell. I have wanted to die for a while now but have never been willing to go all the way until just yesterday. My mental health is honestly way too terrible to be homeless. I do not know what to do. I am out of options. Life is too much of a struggle already for this. As soon as I am physically out of the house, I am going to pick up a few fentanyl pills, go out into the woods and take them while already on a ton of benzos. it will be just like going to sleep. Peaceful. Parents kicking me out, I am done",Suicidal +23770,"I get home from work in a little more than three hours. I want these thoughts to stop so I am going to end it. I have been dealing with almost nonstop intrusive thoughts for the past few months and it started when my ex boyfriend broke up with me because I was suicidal. My name is Chloe and I work at a daycare. I am 19 and I was going to turn 20 later this year. I liked to paint and play video games. When I get home I am going to cut my wrists and thighs like my intrusive thoughts are telling me to do. I am sick of living if this is what I have to deal with every single day. I am sick of being depressed. I am sick of the paranoia. I am sick of the intrusive thoughts. I am sure the kids will miss me but I have tried everything. I have tried therapy, I have been hospitalized 4 times, and I was supposed to have ECT tomorrow. I hope all of you kind people will do better than me. Goodbye. Doing it when I get home from work",Suicidal +23771,I am the worst person ever. I cannot even do one thing expected of me. I am dependent on my family who do so much for me and I never pay them back. I hate myself. I am detestable. My life sucks but I made it suck and I give them pain. I will hate myself even more in 3 months and idk how to make it stop. I hate myself and maybe I will never stop,Depression +23772,"I do not want to live for the next 40+ years, what the fuck. Ill have to endure so much pain and hardships, and for what? I do not want it. I pray to god that I do not live past 30. Why is life so freaking long?",Suicidal +23773,"school starts in august. i cannot do this. i cannot even do something like 12 + 12 without panicking. i cannot do this anymore. i cannot even explain right now but [this]( might give some context. I am hopeless. its never going to get better, its been years. i just need to find a way to die. the negative outways the positive now. my friends and family will get over my death eventually. i cannot do this i cannot. everyone says its just puberty and stuff because I am 13 but i guess they will realize it was more than that when i kill myself. they do not care about my trauma that they caused i have to kill myself before august",Suicidal +23774,"Happened to me in various forms through my life, it even got into physical abuse. The fucking fact that most people feel so entitled, including the system we live in(involuntary hospitalization in a psychiatry(most of them are shitholes) to strip you of your rights as a human being, and them acting in accordance with what they think is ""the best for you"". Which can be anything really, spoiler: most of those are not nice and just make you feel worse. Entitlement",Suicidal +23775,"I need to decide which games I am going to refund.. if you like what I bought, please tell me so I know. I bought:- cyberpunk 2077- mount & blade II: bamnerlord - a hat in time- kenshi- luck be a landlord(casino game?) - crypt of the necrodancer- dungeon of the endless- surviving Mars- oxenfree- persona 4 golden- return of the obra Finn- project zomboid- going medievalwhich ones are best to keep? I bought about 20 games on steam summer sale but I regret it",Depression +23776,Thankyou x Please help!! I was raped. Police are involved but I do not know if I can make it to court date. Does anyone know any resources? Need to speak to someone as soon as possible,Suicidal +23777,"You see inspirational posts all day and they are bull. This one especially, ""give your mind a break, do not worry about working or socializing 24/7"". To everyone saying this you do realize that we live in a system that requires unhealthy lacks of mental health? Plus the people posting these usually look down on or hate on people they do not see as ""successful"" or get upset when someone cannot make it to a social event. Everyone around me is telling me to focus on my health but these are the same people telling me every day how much is at stake if I do not succeed or beg me to hangout all the time. They make fun of mutual friends who ""are in a bad place"". The hypocrisy makes me even more sick on a daily basis. Fakeness of ""Give your mental health a break""",Depression +23778,"i have money saved for this, but every time i have to spend hundreds of dollars all at once just to be healthy and sane i feel like its not even worth it to liveif i spend all my life working to make this money and its all taken away in a second just because i have mental and physical health problems. not to mention the job that i work to make that money exacerbating my problemswhats the point. I am just rolling a boulder that will crush me flat. everything i work for and earn will be taken from me in the end by people who do nothing but sit there and only think about how to make more money off of the little people like me. a penny to them, my life savings to mei want to quit everything medical bills make me want to die",Suicidal +23779,My moms really sad and I am not doing so well. I keep on getting stuck in a negative feedback loop where I remember feeling bullied. I do not have any friends but I do not know how to make them. I just do not know what to do. My mom deserves a son who can do good in life I am in Grade 12 and I do not know how to function,Depression +23780,"Therapy is moving slowly because I cannot fucking talk, I always shut down. My meds are not working, self harm is never enough, and all I want to do is die but I do not know how and I can never find the right moment. Every day is a monotonous continuation of the previous one, I am in autopilot so often I do not even remember what happens anymore. I just cannot handle anything anymore and I feel like death. I just want this to end somehow, life feels more like a prison than a blessing, I feel trapped I feel so trapped",Depression +23781,I have a plan that I cannot really talk to anyone about. I wish I could but I do not trust anyone.The hospital will think I am the boy who cried wolf but the wolves really are here.Things have been so tough. Home life is not bearable anymore. Outside is not much better. Grief makes me think of death a lot more and wonder whether we ever get united with those who have passed before us.But it does not really matter if its an empty void either. We all have to make that journey some time. So in a way its comforting that its an unknown. All I am sure of is that nothingness is not painful.it is a weird state of mind to be in. The mental torture has been prolonged and I am at the end. Past traumas have determined a hopeless future. I wish I could text the crisis line without having police to possibly worry about. I do not want to go to the emergency room. I just want to not be here.I want to be in nature. I want to drink & have a smoke. I want to be alone when I do it & say my goodbyes. I will leave my ID & a notebook that will hopefully bring some people comfort in knowing why I had to do it.I wish it did not have to be this way but its been a lot of suffering getting to this point and I want to leave I have a plan,Suicidal +23782,"My mother passed on June 13, 2021.Last year she had three strokes and she is finally free from pain and suffering.My so-called friends (from college) have not called, visited, or even checked in with me.The year leading up to her heavenly transition, I tried seeking out to my friends during multiple occasions just to vent and cry & release a little sorrow.But I am the friend who everyone decided to lay their burden on. I understand that EVERYONE has their own pain and sorrow, but why am i always comforting someone else?Throughout the entire year I tried venting to them, just to get cut off with their problems.Even AFTER my moms death, I am still getting burdened by them.None of them attended the funeral or came to see me.I overthink a lot, so am i wrong for wanting to block them on social media and change my phone number?One of these friends i considered my sister. I brought her to my moms home for Christmas and THAT HURTS. Overthinking",Depression +23783,-For anyone else:Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. A large part of my s is internal. I wanted to have a good life so I went with what I thought was the most responsible thing to do. Invest my money. 4 years later holding the same ,Depression +23784,"College destroyed me.I cannot hold on to any conversation without thinking about how much of a scum i am, i cannot keep up with the studies and i do not want to bother my friends.I never were the popular or the nerd i was the blank space, i tried mimicking everybody who was someone and now i just want to die, if i cannot keep up with college I am the worst part of society because i could not learn theese math ploblems I am never going to use.I started packing my stuff at my room, i do not want them to clean everything when I am gonne.I cannot keep up, please advise me. Why college?",Suicidal +23785,"Depressed and passively suicidal and depressed and actively suicidal. I know Ill hate being alive in the future. There are far too many factors that will contribute to that, and I am quite unable to change them. Most of the time I am passively suicidal, but for the past week, I have been in wisdom tooth pain after having to pay over $2k out of pocket for surgery and I think I might have a cracked tooth and dry sockets and this is definitely one of those times my life in the present is terrible as well so I become actively suicidal. The labor market Ill be entering and have to participate in for the rest of my life is horrific and worsening, as is the housing market, as is the degree to which consumerism preys on people. Nothing I can do personally will change these things. I am so burnt out already from school (a degree from which employers increasingly favor because they get to outsource the expenses of training and turnover to employees ). I am going to be so burnt out from work. I am going to be unhappy for the rest of my life. Life costs so much yet returns so little. Why cannot I just die now? I have had two different states of mental health for the last 5-7 years",Depression +23786,"Hello,Sometimes i feel like i am having moments of total clarity, where i perceive the world as clear and true as possible, physically but also mentally. It feels almost like you would feel during meditation. However, in these moments, all that i seem to find is emptiness and futility. it is almost like something i carry around with me all time subconciously. it is the realization that we as humans live our lifes based on beliefs and values that ironically have zero value. it is all constructed in our heads, and we clinge to these things almost in panic, to not fall into this pit of emptiness.I feel like i have this realization since my early teens and still have not found any satisfying answers to it. How am i supposed to live life in this society, realizing that almost all the values that define me as the person i am now, are basically meaningless, that i have been chasing illusions of a fulfillment that basically only means slavery? If i was born a nihilist i would just start living life recklessly and hedonistic. But i feel like i am far too sensitive to just throw away everything i believed in...I do not even know why i am typing this here, maybe because there is still this thing called hope in me. Hope that there is someone who can relate. kind of ironic that there is still hope within me , since hope is basically the one thing that makes us humans strive for things that are not real. How to deal with nihilism?",Depression +23787,Pretty much the title. How do I know if I am fantasizing suicide or if I actually want it?,Suicidal +23788,"Withdrawing from university, and then I am going to go kill myself. Goodbye. I have decided to go to rest.",Suicidal +23789,I am stupid and pathethic and broke and hungry and alone in this world.Things were going good but i have a knot in my throat and pressure in my chest with my heart beating hard.I am completely alone and have fallen on very hard times i do not want to go to sleep hungry again.My stomach hurts and my acid reflux is really bad now.I m just tired and want this to be over. I cannot go on,Depression +23790,"so i did not have a normal childhood, but i do not want to talk about it today. all i can say is i was not a happy child like i should have been. and i really think this made me who i am: i cry easely, i am the most sensitive person i know. it is like a curse ti be honest. i hate myself so much for that. it is not smth i can control because if i could control it i fucking would, but no one ubderstands that. ""you cry for the most insignificant things!!!!!"" I have always been invalidated. even when i was a little stupid child i was invalidated for my feelings. they made me fucking believe that jokes about appearence are normal. they made me believe abuse is normal in a relationship (my trauma comes from second-hand abuse, long story short I have been born and raised surrounded by abuse, screams etc). anyway. sometimes my dad ""jokes"" about me being a mistake. today i was talking to my parents and i do not remember the conv quite well but he goes ""you were not even planned"". and mom laughed. i know not every child is planned but... like, is it normal for someone to hear that occasionally? like, I am wrong for being upset? a short time ago he was like ""i did not even want you"". am i crazy? after what he told me i started to cry and my mom told me i cry for stupid things and i should not care. i told you she even laughed.. is this funny? i do not fucking find it funny i find it so wrong. like it hurts me, how can i laugh at that? why is it normal? why should i find it normal? is it?.. i was not even a plan",Suicidal +23791,"i have created a small subreddit for anyone to post their feelings, accomplishments, or whatever else. it is a safe place to be yourself, where no one will judge you for anything and i will be there to support you in any way i can. it is called r/sorrowness if you are interested.all love. to my fellow sad people:",Suicidal +23792,"I am so stupid so stupid so stupid fuck. I Hate how much I loved her. It was so much time wasted fucking hell fuxk fuck fuxk fuck. Now everyone ik is all shacked up and I am alone as usual. I am always alone and they are all like you will find someone, bitch I wanted to find you, now I have to watch as my ""friends"" who btw ignore me have fucked my previous relationships and are just overall worthless shits, be with her. Nobody has ever looked at me twice and fucking why would they. I hate when they say that because they know they are lying to me they just want me to shut up well fuck them they deserve to have there relationships ruined as well. I hate them all especially her. because I liked her so much and I was such a coward why did not I say anything fuxking fuxk f dkdkwnwm So fucking stupid I am going to lose it fuck fuck",Suicidal +23793,"Two weeks after the kickout notification.I lost in the 'endgame'. My professor refused my days of begging, and the kickout is confirmed. Now I am going to be detained in the military service hell for having that f\*ckin d\*ck. Just should had the hormone therapy and testicle removal surgery but I could not.Everything in my future is seasoned with shit. No positive factors anymore in my life. One more step and then I am over. I lost every single hope. I want to die.",Depression +23794,"The level of self delusion that exists within humans is breathtaking. As in I literally need to force myself to breathe when interacting with the astoundingly average individuals that aspire to positions of authority.""exercise reduces anxiety"" no you bumbling baffoon, exercise reduces stress. Anxiety is a complex neurological condition that requires synaptic rewiring to ""reduce"" . When anxiety binds one to bed for two weeks straight because the emotional overwhelm at the mere thought of having to interact a world designed to destroy the last remnants of my sanity then ""going for a walk"" becomes a much greater ordeal than your privileged pig-headed personage can possibly predict.How the fuck did such mediocre minds earn the right to dictate and define what passes for passable knowledge?Why is the ego of a professor is worth more than the wealth of knowledge, the discovery of new ideas, the challenge of defending the old ways of thinking in the light of new information? Madness.The most galling part is the history of humanity is literally littered with these same mistakes. Doctors now wash their hands because of a colleague who they had committed to an asylum because his notions were too absurd to be worth more than mockery. By what right does this tradition of abject arrogance continue? Why must we destroy those simply trying to prevent destruction? Fuck people. Fuck society. Fuck every corruption inflicted upon this world by the ignorant and greedy.God, let me be at peace. Please. I have had enough of this. I do not belong here. it is 4am and I cannot hold back the maelstrom of vitriol that is whirling around my being.",Depression +23795,"My parents divorced when I was in the 3rd grade because my mom was an alcoholic and got in car crashes with me and my siblings in the car. Fast forward 7 years later, my mom is in rehab for doing meth, older sister is suicidal and depressed, my younger sister bottles up her feelings, and my dad is oblivious to the whole situation.I am so fucking stressed out. I tried bring up what was happening to my dad hoping he would do something but all he did was talk abt how i should not be stressing out about it and it was not my place. He said he watch my sisters more carefully to making sure they are doing all right but it has been months and he has does nothing to support them. He is a great dad is some areas and very supportive but i feel like he is choosing to kind of ignore the situation. My dad sometimes brings ""lady friends"" over. I am fine with him going out to meet people and do that kind of stuff but I just do not want him to bring strangers over to the house. I brought this up to him and he says he will not bring them home anymore but he does not understand why i feel uncomfortable. I feel like one day he is going to bring a women home and make her live with us and will not care my feelings. I feel like he would say I have to deal with it because he pays the bills.My older sister is leaving the country and going off to college in September. she is suicidal and is dealing with depression. She told me that she would never tell my dad she is suicidal unless she felt like she was going to commit suicide in the next few days. i tried my best to be there for her and hid my own feelings so that way she had someone to talk to and did not feel like a burden. The next week she told my dad and he did not really take it seriously. he told her that she was stressed out because of school and he used to feel the same way when he was younger. He offered to find her a therapist but it has been months. It worried me because when i realized she had talked to my dad about it, she was thinking abt killing her self. I have tried to talk to my dad but all he says it that he sees it to but will only observe.I fee like i have to keep all my sadness to myself so my sisters have someone to talk and they at least will have an outlet for their feelings. I really just want to kill myself but i feel like i have to stay alive for my sisters so they do not have to deal with my dad alone. I feel like i am the only one holding this family together. I just want to disappear into my room and just sleep forever but my sisters always want to talk. So i pretend to be happy for them. I am exhausted.pls do not comment ""tell them"" because telling them that i am suicidal would not help anybody. i have posted on this forum but it has been a few months and everything is still as shitty. I feel like I am the only one taking care of my family. I am exhausted",Suicidal +23796,24/7 i cringe at my past thoughts omg its so painful . I want to die so badly i cringe all the time,Suicidal +23797,So I think I need to ask my mom to take me to the hospital later. I have done that before but I am still really scared she will be mad or scared. I really think I need it though. Idk what to do Help,Suicidal +23798,I am in another one of those moods where I do not know if I can keep myself safe or want to. I do not want talk to my family and partner they are all out living. It dosent help just upsets them more. I do not want to fuck them over by killing myself but it is also all I want to. A bit scared.,Suicidal +23799,I fucked up big and I am pathethic and now I am in one of the worst situations i ve ever been in my life can anyone please talk to me or offer me some kind of advice please ? In a very dark place please urgent help,Suicidal +23800,"I am 20, college dropout, still with parents. No skills, talents, nothing I can profit off of. I have no interests, no passion for anything, I have been living on ""survival"" mode for the last like 6 or 7 years. By survival I mean, no plans for the future, only for the day. I did not shower regularly, did not brush my teeth regularly and did not give a fuck about anything since I was always inferior to others in every regard. Basically, there was and there still is no future for me. I just want a 9-5, to have my own apartment, to then legally change my name, number, literally everything and I will obviously never be able to get any of that due to being braindead. What now? How do I cope with the permanent inferiority? I will never be anything in life",Depression +23801,"No one, nothing looks the same. I have crushed my own spirit, broken my own heart. I am trying to wait based on hope, but it feels forever away. I hate life forcing us to learn things the hard way. If I had better deductive reasoning, another chance. People lie so much, people value money over other people. I will never understand, never. I was wiser when I was younger, everyone kept telling me I was Israelis. I listened to them. Nothing was wrong with me and I realized this, but not deep enough. I ignored my gut that knew. Why is the last so far away. I miss it so much. This is killing my soul. I need a miracle. This fucking sucks",Suicidal +23802,"I do not even know what I can do. Pills barely ever work for people, in to scared if heights, idk if I will cut deep enough and I do not want more scars, nobody has noticed them yet and I want to keep it that way. My dad keeps a gun locked in a safe in my room but idk how to open it. I have never attempted before. Well not technically. I have two deep scars on my arm where I tried to see how deep I could go before it was unbearable. Not very far apparently. I am not scared to die. I am scared to survive and explain myself. I just want to stop please",Suicidal +23803,"I have low dopamine and have no motivation because of it, so should I start chasing dopamine to get motivation to get moving? Are these things ok to pursue that get me excited:Foster kittens, go on a bunch of dates to find my match, have fun with dating men and get high from it(never properly dated at 32 just been single or stuck with losers), get tattoos(do not have any), find sugar daddy to help mentor me in finding my own independence and career in private investigation, get a fun sports car, buy clothes,.........I have not done any of these things and always think about it. I never buy myself clothes. should not I do everything that gets my dopamine flowing as long as its not hurting me?",Depression +23804,"I lost the person that raised me last year only a couple weeks after I started building a relationship with them, had an abortion for a baby I desperately wanted a month after (worst procedure and biggest regret of my life probably), just recently left the love of my life because he was abusive and a cheater. If my only leverage to life is being a smart, beautiful girl then I do not want it. I used to take pride in things that I now despise about myself.I am just to the point where I drink and smoke daily, have dropped all life inside me to do anything I need to do to be a functioning, responsible adult. Everything I do feels embarrassing. I carry so much guilt for things in my life where I feel guilty now for anything that I do. I drunkenly tried to kms with promethazine pills the other day before sending a simple I love you to the people I care about. All I did was wake up 13 hours later. Huge disappointment. And I even feel guilty for that. And on another drunk time, I told a couple people I am close to and they did not really have a response. Probably did not take it seriously bc they know my life sucks and think I am just dealing with it the best I can.Everything hurts man. I am just tired. I have always been a depressed pos but I do not even experience that tiny buzz that makes me want to get up and do something like I used to. All I do is sleep, cry, go to work, and get drunk/high. Everything that strikes an emotional response makes me cry now, even just watching anime for example. I just do not know what to do with my feelings at this point. Its all just pain I do not know what to do with. Everyday is pain. I hate this. I am just scared of the pain of dying, and even more scared of another failed attempt that will land me in a mental facility.I am sure there is more, but I have no clue where to find it you all. I just do not. This whole thing hurts bro",Suicidal +23805,"Title is pretty self explanatory, I keep telling my friend that I cannot hang out when in reality I just cannot get out of my room or shower I cannot freaking talk to people it is so hard and I cannot understand why such simple things are so monstrously difficult. I have not seen her in weeks and she is leaving to summer camp tomorrow and I feel so fucking bad that I keep having to tell her I cannot. I physically cannot make an effort to be presentable and social and my friend is frustrated/upset that I cannot hang out because I keep making excuses",Depression +23806,"I do not fit in.Everything is ripping me apart, like always.I went to a proper party for the first time in my life and probably for the last time, a guy I know that has a girlfriend for several years, was completely fucked up dancing and making out with everything that has legs meanwhile his best friend is knocked out downstairs sitting in some corner puking himself and him not even giving a shit even though he knew, on the other side of the house some guys are smashing in their skulls and everyone is encouraging them, and everywhere there is random people making out.Meanwhile, I am standing in the middle of everything looking around and asking myself if this is life, if this is the fun everyone is talking about, it is not even like I did not try to have fun I drank as much as everyone else if not even more, because I am 185cm tall and weigh 90kg so I thought I might need a bit more than everyone else, but all the alcohol did not do shit I could not stand up properly but my mind did not change yeah I was a bit more open but only because I knew that everyone else had a toddlers brain because of all the alcohol.That party just again showed me how different I am and how much I do not fit in with people like that, I maybe was not as suicidal as always but that is because of all the people around and probably because of the alcohol but I was sad even more than always, I was sad that I am right with my thinking about humans that everyone is egoistic and an asshole, I was sad that a guy that had a beautiful gf was more desperate than a virgin that never touched a girl, so desperate that he forgot his friends the world and life around him just to have fun with drunk girls that are not even going to remember anything.And I am back to my routine again, I again did not make any progress with finding something that is fun that brings me joy or hope, no, it is the complete opposite it just showed me the real world, and that I am not made for it, why? God knows, was I born like this? Did puberty do this to me? Did mental illness do this to me? Are my eyes just open because of depression, or is my brain just roasted and I am delusional? Or am I simply just a loser?And again I know that I am better off alone and even better off dead, so I can finally have peace and silence in my head. Am I a loser because I have depression, or do I have depression because I am a loser.",Suicidal +23807,What are some careers that work 4-10s and make good money? I cannot do a 9-5,Depression +23808,"I have been struggling with major depression, anxiety, and PTSD for many years and over time, through drug and alcohol addiction my mental health has only become worse. I was 12 when I saw my mother kill herself and spent the rest of my childhood being thrown around like a ragdoll from house to house and eventually ending up in foster care. I experienced a lot of neglect and emotional abuse, so needless to say I have trust issues, abandonment issues, trauma that is easily triggered, especially when I am in a relationship. During the pandemic, things have gotten really rough and my girlfriend and I have been hanging on a thread for what seems like forever now. I wake up every day in so much emotional pain, I find no joy in anything anymore, I just want to stop feeling so shitty all the time, I have tried so many different ways to address my mental health issues and am considering TMS therapy, but lately I have been feeling like giving up, that it would just be easier to kill myself. I feel like the only thing keeping me from doing it is knowing that my girlfriend had a similar experience when she was young her dad killed himself and she has been traumatized ever since. I cannot stand the thought of her having to deal with my suicide, I worry that it would fuck her up for life and all I want is to be able to make her happy and be here for her, but I am so empty and running out of hope for getting any better. I just want to stop feeling this way and it will not stop. Tired of feeling this way",Suicidal +23809,I really would like to not go the route of killing myself or going to a psych ward again. I am having a flashback that started last night and carried onto this morning. Is there any other way to cope? Would it help if I slept until it passes? Thank you How to deal with traumatic flashback,Suicidal +23810,"Somedays i wake up and I do not know how to be happy, it has become very common with me, I feel left out from my friends and it feels like nobody actually cares about meI am a person who makes sure nobody feels bad because of me but at the end of the day, I do not get the same energy back :) I need help Somedays struggle",Suicidal +23811,"idk what this is, but this rush of serotonin and dopamine or whatever it is makes me want to kill myself. I am on top of the world and the only way to go is down. why not kill myself now and end it on a good note? this is not a call for help, but I am rather wondering if anyone else has the same experience as me, feeling so happy that you are suicidal? I am so happy i want to unalive",Suicidal +23812,"I (F17) have been struggling with depression these past few months. And its only helped to further fuel my OCD, anxiety, and ROCD. Last night, me and my boyfriend decided to break up. We recognized that there was a possibility of us getting back together in the future sometime, but honestly who knows. Up until this point, I had been wanting to get better for him. I wanted to be ok so that I would be able to enjoy my time with him and just be happy with him, but now that hes gone I feel like I have nothing to fight for. I feel numb, and I have realized parts of me have been trying to convince myself it was a toxic relationship so that I would be able to just feel something. But I cannot. And the worst is that we did not even end on a bad note. We made out and even said the first I love you to each other before finally making this decision that seemed as if we had been delaying. I feel so guilty and upset and I have no idea what to do. I have put all these walls up and have been suppressing my emotions so I do not know what I truly feel or what I just think I feel. I am the one who fucked up the relationship with all my doubts and uncertainties and we both know that. I finally had something good in my life and I lost it, and I cannot even feel anything. I do not want to get better",Depression +23813,I am trying to do strength training but its almost impossible to get myself to actually do more than a couple chin ups or something and I do not know how to get myself to do more How do get myself to workout when I have no energy?,Depression +23814,"This is not a cry for help or a pity party post, but I am looking for input on whoever reads the post and has any insight on ECT or TMS therapy...I am not doing well mentally. I have not been for a long, long time. With MDD (Unipolar) among other things such as GAD and PTSD, the low cycles come in waves, but the highs are always mild and do not always seem to last all that long.I have been told countless times that I am such a negative person, I complain a lot, or I never seem like I am having fun. I get blamed for a mental health disorder that I have been battling for years and have tried countless medications, therapists, psychiatrists, holistic supplements, meditation, testosterone therapy, to name the healthy and positive actions I have taken. I have also been dependent on alcohol and drugs, used sex and intimacy as a means of feeling better about myself, self-harm, attempted suicide for the negatives...Truth is, I really want to live and be happy and enjoy my life, but sometimes, especially lately, every day seems like an uphill battle, every day I have to fight myself just to get out of bed in the morning and go to work (and I have a good job and am doing well financially), every day, I worry that my mental illness is pushing people away in my life (fact: it has), every day I worry that I am ruining my relationship because of my inability to manage my emotions and mental health issues. I want so desperately to not feel like this anymore and I am running out of options that I have not already tried.I started looking into ECT (Electro-convulsive therapy) treatment as a last resort for treating my mental health issues and I was nervous about the risks associated (such as retrograde amnesia). I do not want to risk zapping away memories in my brain and losing part of who I am, but had decided to start looking into it as all else has failed so far. I was very fortunate to find that there is a safer alternative that is only available medically here in Austin. TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) is a safer alternative to ECT with less side effects and is less intrusive.I was worried about ECT because these treatments are a multi-week long process and ECT makes you lose short term memory temporarily and you need someone to pick you up and drop you off from the clinic, and it would have meant I would be unlikely able to work during the process. TMS does not have this same effect and I would be able to do it more independently and still be able to work.If I am being honest, I am still nervous about all of it. I have my first TMS consultation this afternoon. I want my brain to be healthy again, I want to be able to enjoy my life. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do, but I am just as frustrated at my lack of progress as anybody else who knows me and has had to deal with me. It certainly sucks so fucking much to always be told that I am not doing enough, that I create my own situation. If I have learned anything throughout all of this is that I do not have control over my emotions, I do not have control over my well-being, I do not have control over my life. But I want to. And I am getting to that point where maybe I do need it all zapped away and start afresh. Looking for advice on ECT or TMS therapy for Major depression disorder, general anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder",Depression +23815,Since I am pretty depressed and start to feel less and less emotion (which is quite scary) i just want to feel my heart again or feel alive or feel joy or at least anything. When I am listening to sad music or smoke weed or even mastrubate i have this short time of feeling anything. what are little things that make you guys feel anything. i sont care if its healthy or not but i hate drugs. Easy ways to feel something?,Depression +23816,"these past days have been awful, so bad I relapsed on SH.Well today a lady gifted me a cappuccino because someone else did not want it and it just made my dayeven tho nothing really changed and going to keep having these shitty days, she was so kind to me and made my day better and she will never know the impact it had on mebe kind to people. You never know when someone may need that in their life the little gestures really make a difference",Depression +23817,"My life feels to be falling apart. I do not know how to explain it other than my limbs all being stretched and physically unraveling and dislodging. My brain is rot and my insides are rot. Rotted goop. I do not have a purpose in life, I have no dreams in life, I am wasting away the prime of my life. I dive into my eating disorder to cope and get high sometimes and self-harm. Therapy for me of 3 years failed and my therapist took an indefinite leave so that went down the drain. My psychiatrist is cool but I have tried 15+ meds and nothing really works. I cannot figure out this big issue in my life and I repeatedly obsess and ruminate over it with no answers or solutions as I sit paralyzed in fear. I think I just realized today that my depression has been getting worse in ways I did not recognize as I have gone up on this new medication. Talking to people has become more of a chore than it used to be. It gets on my nerves to have to speak up or when anyone talks to me. I do not care to talk about anything I am interested in anymore. I used to at least have some interest in certain topics, but now I just do not care and I do not want to talk to anyone. Every word said to me or that I say is a fork on a chalkboard. I have to psych myself up to raise my voice and speak. I do not care about doing things I used to do with friends. Well, I care less, anyway. Or more like I am just indifferent. Numbed out... I still care. But it does not feel as...there? It feels like I am wearing emotion-canceling headphones. it is all still there, but it is so muted. I cannot stay awake during the day at work at all. Worse now than before. I find myself seeming to play less with my wonderful pets...I have lost credibility at work and plateaued with my ability. And I just do not care anymore. It makes me feel bad but I do not care enough to do anything about it at all. I realize I suck at my work but so what. I have already failed, I still fail. So what... My motivation was already shit but now it is more like I do not care... I used to be upset that my motivation was gone, angry about it, in a sense? And now I kind of just do not give a shit. I recognize that my motivation is still gone and sure it is still upsetting but not as upsetting as it was because I do not feel the anger at myself as much. Occasionally I have bursts of extreme emotion, like yesterday I had a MAJOR anger rage moment where I had to take anti anxiety meds to even remotely start to calm down after a period of screaming, slamming things around and knocking things over and self-harming viciously in a frenzy. Some days I burst into tears for all night and just keep a rag with me to soak up the tears as the time passes and I try to do things that fall within my normal schedule and small range of activities I do once I go home from work. Every day is a repeat of the day before. Week by week. All the same. it is Monday, then suddenly Friday. Then the weekend. Then Monday...repeat. I do not care about any of it. Monday, Wednesday, Sunday...whatever. All the same. The best part of my day is when I get to come home from work and have a binge and purge episode for like 2-3 hours. that is literally the most I look forward to. And even that is starting to fade out. Everything is faded. Everything is muted. At random times I explode, but then the monotony sets back in and I find myself almost in a stupor of some kind. My life is meaningless and I want it to be over. I do not want to commit suicide, I just want to not exist. I do not want to kill myself, I just do not want to exist",Depression +23818,"Does anyone feel kind of bad and invalidated when people say that they noticed that your depression got better, but in reality you just stopped opening up and struggling on your own because when you did show symptoms they got angry and tired of dealing with it. Am I getting better if instead of crying I turned to numbness? If I was given the chance to self destruct without hurting anyone and having terrible consequences I would do it in a second. They say my Depression is getting better?",Depression +23819,"Some details:\- he is in his early 30s. \- he is living with my parents, as well as working for them at their small business.\- he is been to university and colleges, but never completed any degrees.\- He shuts himself away from everyone, it is extremely difficult to contact him to reach him - this is by his design. \- He is overweight, and spends most of his free time playing videogames, mostly WoW. \- He smokes multiple joints a day, and is on no other medication.I love my brother dearly, and I want to try and help him help himself. I try to stay connected with him in the only way that I can, which is through setting up weekly video gaming sessions with him, where on a Friday, we will spent 5h or so playing through Dark Souls or Bloodborne or something that requires a lot of communication and coordination between us. he is happiest when he and I are kicking ass or have vanquished an invader. Sometimes I try to ask him how he is doing inside, and if he spends time talk to himself - but he literally shuts me down, and then goes silent for hours at a time. I see a therapist for my own issues, and that work that I have done there has helped me a lot. I believe that he sees his own situation as being so dire that he cannot fathom a way out. He does not get along well with my parents, he is extremely bad tempered and lashes out to them. They do not know how to handle him at all, and the situation is completely out of their control or emotional/mental ability to resolve. They all need help, tbh, but it has to begin with my brother (in my opinion, which is not a professional opinion by any means). In August I am going to visit them for two weeks. I am bringing my dog with me, who I hope will help soften my brother a bit, as he is genuinely kind hearted and loves animals. My goal is to try and find some time to allow him to open up, and share his thoughts and feelings, but he seems so hardened, and up until now, I have failed time and time again to get him to open up. How can I help my brother? What can I do to let him know that I care deeply for him and his wellbeing, and that I want him to seek the help he needs to begin taking back control of his life.And to my bro, if you are reading this and somehow have figured out it is me, please know that I am there for you buddy. I believe my adult brother has depression and undiagnosed ADHD. I live 12h driving away. How can I help him when he does not want any help?",Depression +23820,"I need support or encouragement. I (29M) really do not know what I am looking for here other than I have nowhere to release the negative energy actively drowning my brain. I am so lost. Heartbroken. Exhausted.I have been in therapy for years and I struggle with major depression, PTSD, and ADHD. I was left a lone a lot as a child and raised by two alcoholics. My Father abused me. I am what you might consider to be a hyper-vigilant overachiever in my family. I create structure in my life to feed my need for validation from others and self-worth (stable house, job, kids). I am Married (Wife is 30F) and we are really struggling. I spent the last ten years working to leave the toxic relationship with my Father. My wife is not an emotional person and I have put my needs on hold for the last four years. We have a daughter (2 years old) and when she was born my wife went through Postpartum Depression and was hospitalized 3 times in 6 months. We struggled to conceive before that and it just feels like we barely know each other anymore, despite trying to make it work and doing the best to keep the ship afloat.I have struggled with suicidal ideation since childhood, and things turned really sour last year when I actively planned to die. I was working from home for nearly a year and could not take the isolation of being at home all day alone. I was actively seeing a therapist, taking meds, and doing everything in my power to keep things balanced. But I just could not do it. I ended up checking myself into the hospital and stayed in a psych ward for two weeks. When I was released I caught COVID and was back in bed for another two weeks. I ended up being out of work for two months by doctors order for mental health issues.Now, the last six/seven months have been up and down, but do include a lot of positive steps forward. I changed therapists and was referred to someone who specializes in co-occurring disorders and trauma. We did a lot of EMDR and that seemed to relieve my nightmares and panic attacks/flashbacks. we have done a lot of CBT as well and our therapeutic relationship is good... I guess? (I will come back to that point). I have worked with a lot of therapists and quite honestly she is the most qualified person I have ever worked with I am going to (or maybe the best fit, given the progress I have made).that is a bit of my background. At this moment I am feeling really discouraged and frustrated with my life and health. there is so much ""good"" around me and on the surface everything should be fine, but I feel like I am dying inside again, and again, and again. I have had a strong stretch of progress over the last three months. I even lost 13 pounds and started eating decent foods again. I journal, meditate, and attend support groups.What I am struggling right now with, speaking honestly, is the lack of affection in my marriage. As I said before, I have been on auto-pilot just trying to keep things afloat the last 4 years. My wife had a surgery, had PPD, we had a baby. I love her dearly, but we are so lost at sea right now. I carry the emotional weight of the marriage. She is mostly not affectionate and I have to chase her (and I have, so many times) to meet even the smallest emotional connection (like a hug). I am a very emotional person and I am feeling starved of love, if that makes sense. We have very open conversations, and she has started trying to change (as have I to meet her halfway, by being appreciative and available), but I am just so exhausted. And frankly, frustrated. It just does not feel organic (it feels forced). She can also be very controlling (OCPD, if you know what that is) and I find myself fighting the urge to do things her way simply for validation. it is a real cluster f&\*k.Back to the therapeutic relationship I have (we will call her T). I was referred to her upon leaving the hospital last December. And I am going to be honest here, because it matters, I crushed on her almost immediately. Despite knowing little to nothing about her (which is a very important boundary), our personalities just clicked. I think that is a big part of why I have been able to make some progress. Despite our difference in age (she is early 40s), I just see a lot of me in her. We like the same music and are generally emotional creatures (think two enneagram 4s, if you know about enneagram). Two tortured souls. Anyway, I brushed this off (I would never felt this way about a therapist) and just moved a long with the sessions each week for months. Despite ignoring it, I felt that our connection grew stronger and stronger as she showed me what it is like to have someone who cares for you completely. This turned into a hot case of transference (read up on that one) driven by the disconnect I have at home with my wife. I fell madly in love with T (or whatever that one-sided relationship is).Now, I eventually told T about how I was feeling. Not to expect anything, but because I really want to recover and did not want it to hinder my progress. I wanted therapy to be about my healing and not about her. She was grateful, caring, and we processed a lot with that (about my childhood, abandonment, etc). I even began to detach (from thinking about her) and feel more self-confident. Things started feeling more balanced at home and at work. I was proud of myself. But something was still missing.Last weekend I just became so overwhelmed with sadness. Like the deep deep deep sadness of an unrequited love. It had not been on my mind for while, but then all the sudden it was. I could not sleep. My nightmares came back. I could not cry and I have become so emotionally numb. it is excruciating. I have put a lot of work in to make my days busy and fruitful, but whenever I go to bed I feel like I am surrounded by vulnerability. I feel so f\*\*ing vulnerable. I am exhausted and frustrated with my life. I am happy that I can get this level of care and support in therapy, which is changing my confidence. But at the same time my marriage is so hollow and lost at sea. We are very caring and dedicated parents (my wife and I), but it is just very much a black and white routine. And I am exhausted from trying to be that emotional plug in our relationship that carries the bag all the time. it is great that she is trying now, but I feel so frustrated with it as well (kind of like I feel that it is not genuine).Couples therapy or marriage counseling is a must at this point, but my Wife avoids therapy and generally views it as unable to help her. I have pushed in the past to start marriage counseling and it always results in her shutting me out (this happens frequently with other things). she will change the way she treats me for a few weeks then goes back to being unavailable and obsessed with work. She is a medical professional and frequently martyrs herself by never taking time off or covering for her co-workers all the time, etc. Her job and career are amazing and I could never do what she does. And I have told her that. I do my best to listen but much of the time she comes home drained and goes right to sleep after we spend some time with our daughter. She deals with intense anxiety and goes through phases of constantly trying to make things more efficient to feed a need for control. it is exhausting, despite my best efforts to understand her and accept it. She refuses therapy (individual sessions for her) and frequently cancels or pushes the subject away. She views her stoicism as strength (which it is) but does not mind that she is wrecked from work 24/7. I often feel like I am married to the medical center and I am her therapist. And it is exceedingly hard to have an equivalent conversation about my job (corporate) where she will listen actively. I have planned nearly all of our family vacations the last 7 years and she has found something wrong with each of them and never wants to go back or enjoy it in the moment. I am frustrated, like I am taken for granted.So how have I handled this? I guess I am projecting all of this onto my therapist. T has my back and we have worked on SO many new skills and tools that have created a foundation for my future growth. she is the right fit for me as a therapist (just by progress alone), but the transference is so hard to process right now. Right now she is probably the only person who is ever accepted me for who I am completely and does not abandon me. And I love her for it. And I cannot break the feelings, despite my best effort to tell myself it is not real. For all intensive purposes the relationship is artificial and one-sided, but it feels so real to me. And it breaks my heart because I will never really have her in my life. Let me rephrase that, it breaks my heart because I feel stuck and unhappy in my marriage for going on 6 years. I feel used and unappreciated at home. My daughter is my world and I am working hard to break the generational cycle of abuse in my family. I am a good, loving father and a loving husband. But I feel so incredibly unhappy, especially all of the sudden.I do not want to quit on my life, but as with my past the pain can become very unbearable. I cannot keep spending my nights alone, on the couch, or out driving a lone just to get some air. I want to feel loved so badly. I am trying to love myself. that is hard. But I am really frustrated with constantly having these cycles of progress then hitting a depressive episode. I cannot tell if it is me or the world I am living in that is the problem. I am a gentle, caring man, who wants the best and I am trying so hard to do all the right things. But I cannot live like this. I am dying inside and it is making me shrewd and aggravated with the world around me. I am fighting the urge to end things and end my pain. I am fighting to not abandon my daughter. But I feel like I cannot do this anymore. I am self sabotaging (taking a break from sessions). I messaged T with what was going on, and gave more clarity on the transference. She was grateful, professional and offered to get some extra sessions in. But the processing is exhausting (examining my childhood) and I have been at it intensively for months. I am so tired and so heartbroken. I asked her to take a break for a month or two (avoidance) because I feel like I am digging inside the pandora's box of my soul each week.I do not want to find another T and I really (REALLY) do not want to start over again. I just feel so discouraged and I feel stuck. And I feel worthless, because the only genuine care I am finding beyond my two year old daughter is in this invisible relationship I have with a stranger. And while that is boosting my confidence, it is also validating the lack of care and support I have outside of the 4 walls of the therapy room. I do not know what to do, but I am trying to not hurt myself. I just wish my brain would shut off for once so I could finally rest.That was a lot and all over the place, so thanks for reading. I appreciate your empathy in advance. I did not know where else to share it. My Mental Health is Flatlining - TRIGGER WARNING (SUICIDE)",Depression +23821,"does not matter why, just needed to tell someone as a part of overcoming it. Thanks you all Having suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +23822,"I have a lot of people on my life, some of them friends, family a love one and I cannot help but feeling alone all the time. I cannot trust anyone not even my own family and I cannot help but to keep things at my own. I have tried to open up and talk about stuff going tru my head but I feel like they do not care and that hurts a lot. Its feels like my Friends are moving far away out of me and that the new people I met are only there for a short moment of time and that in any moment they will leave. My family does not get me on that topic so I do not even try to explain it anymore. Tbh I am so done with life that I do not call ""living"" anymore I am just waiting while time passes I am alone even when I jave company",Depression +23823,I spend almost all day laying down. I honestly feel like my leg and feet muscles are shrinking weakening tightening and wasting away Leg muscles,Depression +23824,"I have struggled with these thoughs for more than four yeas, but I was able to distract myself from them. I was helped by my friends, by my hobbies, even by studies. Anyone knew then and anyone knows now that I have these things in mind, but they used to help me to keep on going even without noticing it. Nonetheless, during last year lockdown, I started to lose the capacity of distracting. Everything became tasteless, anything had the capacity to make laugh, to make me happy even for a flashing moment. Then, when lockdown ended, I did not want to go out. I avoided my friends, my family, I went to class only because I felt like I had to, but there I did not speak to anyone, neither to my closest friends. In those times my mind also felt in anorexia. I lost a lot of pounds, I weighted myself every day and I lived each moment of the day trying to burn calories trying to feel safe, to feel that I was no getting fat. My fears locked me in a constant state of worry. Now I am not worry about these things. I have gained weight, but I have an unestoppable need to eat more and more. It is because I do not find pleasure in anything besides the infimous pleasure in sweets. My hobbies, my friends, my family, everything still being tasteless and anything deserve the effort to get me out of my bed. I do go out now, but it is because I am seeking something that awekens me from the void. Now there is no reason why I should feel bad about my life. I have a lovely friends, a lovely partner, a lovely brother, a promising future, but none of these make me feel better when I have to be alone in my room. Then I just want to feel something so I start to eat and eat looking for some kind of pleasure. I am afraid of these paterns and where will they lead me, but it is worse the fear of never being able to be alright again, to feel full filled again. It is not sadness, it is just a void. I think that this will last as long as I breathe. I just want to feel myself alive, but it seems unreachable. Ending all is maybe the best option. I only have to seek the bravery to do it. PD: If you have read until here, thank you. I wrote because the need to tell someone is raising in me and I do not want to talk it to anyo of my near loveones. I do not want to worry them with these things as I do not hink that I will have the bravery to do it. Even though, thank you. Seeking sudden bravery",Suicidal +23825,"First of I am 25 and broke. I am kind of desperate here. Many therapists have said being broke and depression is the worse position to be in. I kind of agree The shift: Amazon delivery warehouse unloading,sorting, and staging for delivery thurs-mon 1:20am to 11:50am 20.25/hr idk you all i know I am going to hate it but in the i hate work in general way. I do take wellbutrin and i feel like I am on pre workout most of the day. as far as social life goes...meh i kind of have a boring social life right now. thoughts? will I be sabotaging my mental state with this night shift? I do take meds but idk",Depression +23826,"My dad passed away over 5 years ago. My mom could not handle it so she ended up selling the house and we moved to a different city an hour away. The strange part about all of this is my girlfriends brother ended up buying my old house. I was not really a fan of this idea but I was not going to speak up and make things even more difficult for my mom. Now every so often I have to go back to that house for christmas or dinners or whatever. My mom has said she is never even going back to our old neighborhood let alone the house, but I feel like I am basically forced to because of my girlfriend. I have told her that I never want to go back, but every so often she will say oh my brother invited us over, as if I have not told her before that I NEVER want to go back. I have been back a handful of times and I never enjoy myself, it just brings back bad memories and makes me feel awful. I am honestly just so tired of doing things I do not want to do because of other people. It feels like its slowly killing me. I do not really know how to deal with this, her bringing it up has ruined my day and put me in an awful mood. I do not want to go back to my old house",Depression +23827,I cannot take this anymore. I got thrown a shitty hand in life. My parents addicts. Abuse in so many forms. I am now 30 an addict myself multiple mental health issues and am constantly fucking everything up. I have no value. it is not a lie. I cannot help but wonder if I were to end it all and hurt everyone one last time and I would never hurt anyone again would be worth all the many years ahead to come of constantly hurting my self and others. I am contemplating suicide I am so lost,Suicidal +23828,hallo internet its been like 10 months since i started thinking on how should i kill my self i have never really done it. but in feb 13 i wrote a suicide note and in march i recorded my self.i was talking about how I am getting stressed and how i want to die. i was crying when i recorded that. I am not really afraid of death. I am just afraid of pain that is why i have not really done anything I am failing school. i have 2 bestfriends they helped me study. they gave me answers. they are really good friends of mine.we are friends for 3 to 4 years now. I am just worried that if they found out that i killed my self that. they would be sad. or.. would they even care?. i have a good life. we eat 3 times a day. mom bought me laptop. sister gave me cellphone (because i broke mine) I am really worried about my mother on how will she react since my father just died last year on october I am worried about my sister who is PDW. I am worried that if i committed suicide that they cannot handle it well I am just tired honestly I am lazy. i did not do my school works that is why I am failing.my friends gave me answers but i was just too lazy. and I am a procastinator. I am quite smart. i get the lesson much faster than my classmate. but i do not know when it all went all wrong. my mom said if i will not pass this year then she will send me to my aunt in the province and that is where I am going to study I am grade 10 rn and i think I am going to repeat. its not that big of a problem since people here have been through much worse situation that i have rn I am sorry guys but. everyday all i think about is my future. I am worried. I am pessimistic. I am not diagnose with depression or anything. but i think i have it. i tend to over thing things its been really stressful its gotten to the point that i cannot relax. its been really hard. i want to kill my self should i do it? well I am really tired i just want to rest. any advice? I am planning to kill my self tomorrow and i do not know what to do. will my friends and family will be sad about my death?,Suicidal +23829,"I feel like I am getting sick and tired of the lockdown. Feel like I need to do something more. Right now, I am waiting for an acceptance letter from a university I have been wanting to enter. At this point of increasing Covid 19 cases in my country, it is getting more likely we are going to do online learning (if I ever got accepted). I was thinking about getting a job but my mother will not let me. Not to mention, being jobless is slowly becoming a huge problem in my country. Also, the spreading Covid 19 cases makes me worried about my family members who have to work outside of the home.I feel like I am wasting my life. I am going to turn 18 this August...I am getting sick of staying at home. I do not have my own room which means I do not have any privacy for me to be alone( Slept in my mom's room do not even..). My mind feels like a mess. Sometimes, I silently cried about it. I cannot cry out loud to avoid pulling my family's attention. I have trouble sleeping, I slept way too late and excessive sleeping during the day. Just today I woke up at around 2 pm. It was horrible. I feel like slob waking up that late. When I am attempting to sleep early, I ended up passing out about 3 am (sometimes 2 if I am really tired, but it usually way later) Am I losing interest in my usual hobbies? Not that I lose interest. I am just too lazy to draw anything. My mind is blank. I tried to listen to music but I did not enjoy it as much as I usually do. I tried to read a book called ""Midnight City"" but I have trouble focusing. I tried to journaling how I am feeling every day but, every I repeat the same routine. The same emotions, the same sleepless night. So much thought inside my head yet I cannot explain it. My head is a MESS.My final choice to makes me forget about everything I cannot do; is watching Youtube. Just watching something. Although, sometimes I just stare at the screen not really listening to what I am watching. I feel horrible that I feel like this, I know there are people suffering worse than I do. I should feel privileged the fact that I got a roof over my head and a mother who cooks me good food. And of course, I am. No words can describe how grateful I am towards my mother. I need to reorganize my mind. But how should I do it? I tried my best to explain how I am feeling and sometimes I feel like I cannot take it anymore. I do not want this problem of mine to become worse. What should I do? How I am doing during these endless lockdowns (spoiler; not good at all)(Life rant)",Depression +23830,"In May my biological mum jumped in front of a train. We had never really gotten along. I was raised in the foster system due to her drug issues but yknow she was still my mum. Brought me into this world yknow. Before she passed she kept messaging me to call her she wanted to talk. I just kept ignoring her. Now i keep thinking what if i had just replied? Maybe she would still be here. Almost exactly a year earlier my foster mum passed away due to lung cancer. She was the lady that raised me, but a year earlier i had left her home because we were not getting along. She kept calling and i ignored her too. Had just started a new job when i got the phone call from my foster sister that she had passed. I was not there for her to help her in her last daysI cannot look in mirrors anymore. Every time i see myself i just get so disgusted. When i look in the mirror i see the man that let both his mums die. God i just want to die man. The guilt is suffocating. I cannot talk to anyone about this. I cannot cry in front of my families. I do not deserve that privilege. I have no honour. I might as well. My Mum recently committed suicide. One of the first thoughts i had was she beat me to it",Suicidal +23831,"My fear has ruined my life. I fail at every job because I panic and get afraid of failure and bail. I fail at every task I try because I cannot deal with embarrassment and quit. And this stupid fucking girl who i liked just to much for my own good. I liked her ALOT. More than I ever let on, and I am so fucking stupid why did not I just tell her how I felt, now she is gone and my one realistic chance at not being alone is gone and I am going to be stuck in the purgatory of failure ineptitude and loneliness until I die. that is why I am going to end my life before summers end. If there is one thing I am no longer going to bitch out on its that. I have been starved for anyrhing worthwhile in life. I deserve to be allowed to die. Why am I such a coward.",Suicidal +23832,"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. A large part of my s is internal. I wanted to have a good life so I went with what I thought was the most responsible thing to do. Invest my money. 4 years later holding the same companies, I have lost most of it. Then Robinhood entered the picture and took me on a ride of misery and loss I did not think possible. The deeper hole I got into, the more addicted I became the more loss I incurred (and yes I know my equities will rebound only after I am gone as is intended in the fabric of what the market is, but even so I cannot get the many years wasted back and I will not sell them to my death. When they rebound and, please wait until they do, get an advisor to analyze the best time to sell for each equity and split the money evenly between Matthew and Chloe. Please do not make the stock market a part of your life. For most people, it will only bring pain and enrich companies who have no intent on returning your investment. Society and technology have made it implausible that I can live a decent life. After working for years, no girlfriend, my money eaten up by inflation and losing value in markets. Owning a home is an impossibility. My salary barely keeps me afloat and I am a slave to an endless grind leading nowhere. Losing yourself in your passion is the only respite to the pain. do not believe anything the media tells you. People do not want to hate each other. I pray this late stage capitalism post pandemic were in does not take anymore lives than it must. Greed is the root of all evil. Technology is the leaf that allows it to grow. New York has become inhospitable and the writing is on the wall. After everything, I am too tired now to reroute and try again. Music is healing. Laughter is healing. Love is healing. I love you. Love",Depression +23833,"When I was fifteen, my emotions were pretty concrete like words emanating from an angry mouth, with no retrieval. Each syllable sounded so clear like listening to the rustling winds while staring at the moon; and being stuck in one place as the ages progressed. Various emotions clearly demarcated like boundary lines separating countries. The world was at peace. Love meant love. Sadness meant sadness. Happiness meant happiness. There was not any intermixing, any mixed races.Pain was a traveller- transcending, moving, relocating, staying and leaving; I run out of verbs. Pain was a libertine, leaving bits of it in every emotion until they forgot if they were themselves or just fragments of pain. Moving about the emotion fabric, creating ripples and breaking barriers, it started tearing my emotions apart. The world seemed to be gathering arms for an impending war.As I got back up, still staring at the moon hearing the rustling winds as if they were violin strings creating music in the air- ages had progressed. My emotions had lost their colour- turned pale with freckles all over them, like craters left on the ground by she will bombings.Distortions and clarity are not really akin and thus my emotions became a distorted clarity; it was holding on to edges of sanity as its world crumpled in doubt. I was eighteen and I could not differentiate between love and sadness.It stretched and tore apart reaching the limits of insanity, trying to be sane. My emotions became half distortions, half sanity and I stood somewhere on the boundary of two. The new sanity did not look like the fifteen year old one. It had new ideals. It did not believe in love. It loved sadness. Happiness was once in a month movie treat. Hope had a one day expiry clause.The new distortions were still confused about what the post 2a.m I love you meant. People said it all the time but acted like you were only meant to be loved post 2a.m.It was not half sanity, half distortion. It was full pain.By the time I turned twenty, I stopped looking at the moon. I closed my eyes and listened to Bach play Concerto in D Minor, lying silently in my room. My emotions had a new shape- without distortions, fully sane. I stared at the fifteen year old me. I smiled as a tear trickled down my cheek.The new emotions founded nostalgia tragic. They had their own ideals. They were coloured with different paints. Pain was no longer a libertine. It was a colonizer.On a particular day in my life, when I had started believing in my new concrete emotion like Sisyphus finally accepting his fate, someone removed the band aid and the wound was still bleeding. It dwindled, trying to erase itself from existence. It no longer knew what it meant. Happiness seemed like a foreign language and there was no translator. It succumbed waiting to die, but it was covered in bandages. On days, people just termed it as mid-life crisis. It was no longer a crisis. It was a war- destroying everything.The war is over. Yes, Its over. But you need to know It was not a war destroying everything but a god creating something new. The new emotions are beautiful like a symmetric circle rising up into the heaven- looking much like a divine halo. It is no longer countries called happiness or sadness or love or hope or pain. Its one huge continent named life, mixing everything in a perfect blend. When the worlds broke, a tiny broken part formed a small ring overshadowing my emotions and on days, nothing is beautiful. It is just my fears and my insecurities and everything dark, like a distortion.On days, I wonder if it is my emotions hiding my insecurities or the other way round. But at least the war is over. There is no distorted clarity. Age of emotions",Depression +23834,"I hurt many people, and some have left me and decided not to see me anymore. I do not know where they are, or what they are doing. They hate me, and I can tell. I just want to tell them somehow that I am sorry, that I hurt them so much. I do not want them to come back, that is not the point. I just want to know they are doing okay, and that they will continue to be doing okay. that is all I just want. I just want closure",Depression +23835,"The universe keeps flipping the coin and It seems like I am always on the wrong side of that coin while I continue living miserably as others reap the rewards of my misery. Every step I take in the ""right"" direction takes me 20 steps back and every step I take in the ""wrong"" direction takes me 40 steps back as I lead the path to my own destruction. I used to be a firm believer of the idea that working hard will always have a positive outcome of success and I am yet to reap the rewards of my hard labor. Its seems like I will never catch a break, no one really cares about me and why should they. I got no family, no friends and nothing to live for. what is even more heartbreaking is I am still young and I believe I have true potential but I am just tired of fighting and pushing. I always wonder and ask myself ""why me"" and come to the conclusion that I have no one to blame but myself. As life goes on it keeps getting harder and harder and the simple things that used to be of the norm in my life are becoming extremely difficult to acquire. People usually say ""be grateful that your alive"" but I just want to die in peace. I am on the neverending path of misfortune and hate myself and everyone around me. The wrong side of the coin.",Suicidal +23836,"I (44/M) had depression and anxiety issues when I was 22 years old. I had been put on Paxil for 5 years and then I quit.I feel good most of the time but I still have panick attacks on occasion. I have a hard time getting the necessary motivation to complete tasks (I started over 20 new IT projects and completed none of them). I get new passions every months and I quit them as fast as they came.Because of arythmia problems I had to quit coffee 4 years ago (I was a heavy drinker).Every now and then I allow myself a cup of coffee.Right after drinking it, I feel soooooo good!! My mind is clear, I am so motivated by everything: calling friends to hang out, starting a new programming projects or completing existing ones, playing sports, reading a book, cleaning the AC unit, etc. Suddenly my day is wonderful and I do not want the ""buzz"" to end.I feel like some people are in this state of mind all day long.Therapy does not bring me into this state. I feel like it is biological.I am not depressed per se but I would feel much better if I could be in this state all the time.Is it more like a drug effect or do you think that I could reach this state of mind for a long period of time (either by taking prescription drugs or by any other mean)? I would like to feel like that all the time",Depression +23837,"I am 24. I had great grades in highschool, I learn things easily. I have a partner of 4 years who is amazing. I have spent a lot of time depressed and confused about meaning in life. I was in my final year of my bachelor's in an underwhelming design degree in 2020 but 5 major personal life issues hit me in the span of a month, and the gear god worse from there.Now I have had 18 months away from any study and it is going to be 2 years by December. I cannot enroll in my units any more and I hate the degree.I know I can progress towards my goals and get there but I feel so far behind in life, and I feel like I have accomplished all the things I wanted when I was saying and irrevocably failed the rest. I feel bored with life and just like casually letting myself dying. If I go study science for 5 years I will be 30 at the end. I just think about going and drinking poison or throwing myself into rocks or something to just give up this life. I do not want to have suicidal but it is tempting to just opt out and stop the hassle of this life I want to kill myself because I do not have a job or degree, but I do not want to want to kill myself",Suicidal +23838,"idk I am fuckin sad all the time and I am tired and miserable and the only time imnot feeling guilty or angry or sad is when I am sleeping, probably just going to rewatch the 100 and eat goldfish until i eventually perish.",Suicidal +23839,"Today is my first in person job interview in 6 years (was working at my last job, 3 years and have been a SAHM for 3 years) I go this afternoon for the job interview I am sooo nervous and so anxious. I really hope I get it. I keep thinking this will be good for me and my son. I also was prescribed a new anti depressant yesterday and I hope it works for me (the last did not) First job in person job interview in awhile! I am so happy yet anxious",Depression +23840,"I am sure I will get ""you are too young to be posting here"" or something like that but I have not been feeling great for a long time now. I do not exactly have no friends but I am nobody's beat friend. I feel as if I am just there and nobody cares about me. Nobody talks to me. Also, school is too painful for me, it is just an 8 hour day of stress, sadness and suffering. I am doing horribly in school and feel as if my life will go to crap at 18 or something worse could happen before then. Ever since I went to secondary school, I feel as if I lost everyone that actually cared about me from primary school. I no longer have the energy to do what I want, I do not eat enough, barely get any sleep and just feel sad all the time. I stress way too much and I recently lost a friend because they did not believe that I was depressed. I am not sure about anything anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should jump in front of a car, would probably make everyone is lifes easier. Obviously this probably is not too big of a deal and I am just overthinking it but I am not sure. 1st time posting here and already feel nervous to press post. I am 14, have not felt happiness in a while.",Depression +23841,"I know I do not want to die. But my life decisions have left me in a place where I have matured and grown mentally, but without the motivation to do the immense work I would need to do to catch up to my peers career paths and life experiences because I have failed and feel like I am so far behind. How do I stop wanting to kill myself?",Suicidal +23842,"I am almost certain that nobody cares if you are depressed or going through a lot until you die, and sometimes they do not even care if you die. People are ignorant pieces of shit, and this life is just going for the worst.Poverty, shitty governments, hard, expensive, and useless education.I do not know when are we going to find happiness and peace aside from death.Do I have to live another 60 years so people do not get sad? what about me? I am sad too, why do I have to think and care about other people before thinking about me?These people have friends and family who love them. The death of a failure will not affect their lives anyway so why do I have to worry.For the past 6 years, I have been suffering from traumatic experiences and shitty religion brainwashed family.Like seriously, the first thing my parents said after I asked them what do they think about suicide is, how I will get fucked up in the afterlife because suicide is haram (sin). Nobody cares",Suicidal +23843,everything went to shit this year and it just keeps getting worse.. I hate my life and i just want this pain to end.. fuck man why is life so shit,Suicidal +23844,"I have tried to post self help advice on reddit before but broke rules and had the post removed. I am deeply sorry if I have not done the right thing by not picking the right flair or trigger warning the post. I reached out to close family and friends, spoke of my suicidal thoughts. They cut me off and stopped contacting me, due to being uncomfortable with the discussion and leaving me alone to 'get over it/get better'. What now? It feels like I may as well do it.",Suicidal +23845,"This is a a vent. I (29M) really do not know what I am looking for here other than I have nowhere to release the negative energy actively drowning my brain. I am so lost. Heartbroken. Exhausted.I have been in therapy for years and I struggle with major depression, PTSD, and ADHD. I was left a lone a lot as a child and raised by two alcoholics. My Father abused me. I am what you might consider to be a hyper-vigilant overachiever in my family. I create structure in my life to feed my need for validation from others and self-worth (stable house, job, kids). I am Married (Wife is 30F) and we are really struggling. I spent the last ten years working to leave the toxic relationship with my Father. My wife is not an emotional person and I have put my needs on hold for the last four years. We have a daughter (2 years old) and when she was born my wife went through Postpartum Depression and was hospitalized 3 times in 6 months. We struggled to conceive before that and it just feels like we barely know each other anymore, despite trying to make it work and doing the best to keep the ship afloat. I have struggled with suicidal ideation since childhood, and things turned really sour last year when I actively planned to die. I was working from home for nearly a year and could not take the isolation of being at home all day alone. I was actively seeing a therapist, taking meds, and doing everything in my power to keep things balanced. But I just could not do it. I ended up checking myself into the hospital and stayed in a psych ward for two weeks. When I was released I caught COVID and was back in bed for another two weeks. I ended up being out of work for two months by doctors order for mental health issues.Now, the last six/seven months have been up and down, but do include a lot of positive steps forward. I changed therapists and was referred to someone who specializes in co-occurring disorders and trauma. We did a lot of EMDR and that seemed to relieve my nightmares and panic attacks/flashbacks. we have done a lot of CBT as well and our therapeutic relationship is good... I guess? (I will come back to that point). I have worked with a lot of therapists and quite honestly she is the most qualified person I have ever worked with I am going to (or maybe the best fit, given the progress I have made).that is a bit of my background. At this moment I am feeling really discouraged and frustrated with my life and health. there is so much ""good"" around me and on the surface everything should be fine, but I feel like I am dying inside again, and again, and again. I have had a strong stretch of progress over the last three months. I even lost 13 pounds and started eating decent foods again. I journal, meditate, and attend support groups.What I am struggling right now with, speaking honestly, is the lack of affection in my marriage. As I said before, I have been on auto-pilot just trying to keep things afloat the last 4 years. My wife had a surgery, had PPD, we had a baby. I love her dearly, but we are so lost at sea right now. I carry the emotional weight of the marriage. She is mostly not affectionate and I have to chase her (and I have, so many times) to meet even the smallest emotional connection (like a hug). I am a very emotional person and I am feeling starved of love, if that makes sense. We have very open conversations, and she has started trying to change (as have I to meet her halfway, by being appreciative and available), but I am just so exhausted. And frankly, frustrated. It just does not feel organic (it feels forced). She can also be very controlling (OCPD, if you know what that is) and I find myself fighting the urge to do things her way simply for validation. it is a real cluster f&\*k. Back to the therapeutic relationship I have (we will call her T). I was referred to her upon leaving the hospital last December. And I am going to be honest here, because it matters, I crushed on her almost immediately. Despite knowing little to nothing about her (which is a very important boundary), our personalities just clicked. I think that is a big part of why I have been able to make some progress. Despite our difference in age (she is early 40s), I just see a lot of me in her. We like the same music and are generally emotional creatures (think two enneagram 4s, if you know about enneagram). Two tortured souls. Anyway, I brushed this off (I would never felt this way about a therapist) and just moved a long with the sessions each week for months. Despite ignoring it, I felt that our connection grew stronger and stronger as she showed me what it is like to have someone who cares for you completely. This turned into a hot case of transference (read up on that one) driven by the disconnect I have at home with my wife. I fell madly in love with T (or whatever that one-sided relationship is).Now, I eventually told T about how I was feeling. Not to expect anything, but because I really want to recover and did not want it to hinder my progress. I wanted therapy to be about my healing and not about her. She was grateful, caring, and we processed a lot with that (about my childhood, abandonment, etc). I even began to detach (from thinking about her) and feel more self-confident. Things started feeling more balanced at home and at work. I was proud of myself. But something was still missing. Last weekend I just became so overwhelmed with sadness. Like the deep deep deep sadness of an unrequited love. It had not been on my mind for while, but then all the sudden it was. I could not sleep. My nightmares came back. I could not cry and I have become so emotionally numb. it is excruciating. I have put a lot of work in to make my days busy and fruitful, but whenever I go to bed I feel like I am surrounded by vulnerability. I feel so f\*\*ing vulnerable. I am exhausted and frustrated with my life. I am happy that I can get this level of care and support in therapy, which is changing my confidence. But at the same time my marriage is so hollow and lost at sea. We are very caring and dedicated parents (my wife and I), but it is just very much a black and white routine. And I am exhausted from trying to be that emotional plug in our relationship that carries the bag all the time. it is great that she is trying now, but I feel so frustrated with it as well (kind of like I feel that it is not genuine). Couples therapy or marriage counseling is a must at this point, but my Wife avoids therapy and generally views it as unable to help her. I have pushed in the past to start marriage counseling and it always results in her shutting me out (this happens frequently with other things). she will change the way she treats me for a few weeks then goes back to being unavailable and obsessed with work. She is a medical professional and frequently martyrs herself by never taking time off or covering for her co-workers all the time, etc. Her job and career are amazing and I could never do what she does. And I have told her that. I do my best to listen but much of the time she comes home drained and goes right to sleep after we spend some time with our daughter. She deals with intense anxiety and goes through phases of constantly trying to make things more efficient to feed a need for control. it is exhausting, despite my best efforts to understand her and accept it. She refuses therapy (individual sessions for her) and frequently cancels or pushes the subject away. She views her stoicism as strength (which it is) but does not mind that she is wrecked from work 24/7. I often feel like I am married to the medical center and I am her therapist. And it is exceedingly hard to have an equivalent conversation about my job (corporate) where she will listen actively. I have planned nearly all of our family vacations the last 7 years and she has found something wrong with each of them and never wants to go back or enjoy it in the moment. I am frustrated, like I am taken for granted.So how have I handled this? I guess I am projecting all of this onto my therapist. T has my back and we have worked on SO many new skills and tools that have created a foundation for my future growth. she is the right fit for me as a therapist (just by progress alone), but the transference is so hard to process right now. Right now she is probably the only person who is ever accepted me for who I am completely and does not abandon me. And I love her for it. And I cannot break the feelings, despite my best effort to tell myself it is not real. For all intensive purposes the relationship is artificial and one-sided, but it feels so real to me. And it breaks my heart because I will never really have her in my life. Let me rephrase that, it breaks my heart because I feel stuck and unhappy in my marriage for going on 6 years. I feel used and unappreciated at home. My daughter is my world and I am working hard to break the generational cycle of abuse in my family. I am a good, loving father and a loving husband. But I feel so incredibly unhappy, especially all of the sudden. I do not want to quit on my life, but as with my past the pain can become very unbearable. I cannot keep spending my nights alone, on the couch, or out driving a lone just to get some air. I want to feel loved so badly. I am trying to love myself. that is hard. But I am really frustrated with constantly having these cycles of progress then hitting a depressive episode. I cannot tell if it is me or the world I am living in that is the problem. I am a gentle, caring man, who wants the best and I am trying so hard to do all the right things. But I cannot live like this. I am dying inside and it is making me shrewd and aggravated with the world around me. I am fighting the urge to end things and end my pain. I am fighting to not abandon my daughter. But I feel like I cannot do this anymore. I am self sabotaging (taking a break from sessions). I messaged T with what was going on, and gave more clarity on the transference. She was grateful, professional and offered to get some extra sessions in. But the processing is exhausting (examining my childhood) and I have been at it intensively for months. I am so tired and so heartbroken. I asked her to take a break for a month or two (avoidance) because I feel like I am digging inside the pandora's box of my soul each week. I do not want to find another T and I really (REALLY) do not want to start over again. I just feel so discouraged and I feel stuck. And I feel worthless, because the only genuine care I am finding beyond my two year old daughter is in this invisible relationship I have with a stranger. And while that is boosting my confidence, it is also validating the lack of care and support I have outside of the 4 walls of the therapy room. I do not know what to do, but I am trying to not hurt myself. I just wish my brain would shut off for once so I could finally rest. That was a lot and all over the place, so thanks for reading. I appreciate your empathy in advance. I did not know where else to share it. My Mental Health is Flatlining",Suicidal +23846,"Normally, thoughts about unaliving only last a day, maybe two. I am on day 3, and no sign of slowing. I know this does not sound like much, but I am slightly concerned now about whether I will ever actually stop hating myself. Apparently, a guy at work sayd I was ""funnier than usual"" when I apologised for how I might have behaved a couple of days ago, and I told him I would been feeling pretty rough. (did not go into any detail, just said I had not been doing great.) I have things to do today - some that I have been putting off for weeks, some that are time-sensitive. One needs to be done as soon as possible. I just cannot seem to make myself focus on any of it. My brain feels like a jumbled mess, with some waves of self hatred. It will not stop",Suicidal +23847,"but at the same time i deserve this. i want to d*e.today has sucked. physically I am in a lot of pain. my feet hurts, i have a headache, my lips are sore. i just got worse mentally for no reason.please just let me leave this world. i want to c*t. i just want to hang myself or end it some way. this pain is too hard for me to bare. please i just want these thoughts to go away",Suicidal +23848,"i am experiencing a lot of anxiety 24/7, i do not know what to do to stop it, i do not know who i am, i spend all the day creating a character i can identify with and that ppl could like, i need validation all the time, I am very impulsive, i shaved my head bc my hair was giving me anxiety and now i desperately want it to grow back, i try to identify as a certain animal so i will know who/what i am, that gives me a lot of anxiety, i spent all my money in things that i will bore in less than a month, I am changing my ""aesthetic"" all the time bc i do not know who the fuck i am I am tired i need to know who i am i need to know what is wrong with me, i honestly think that i have something more than anxiety and depression, i think i may have bpd, july 13 i have therapy for the first time in a while, in my country there is public healthcare but that means that they give you therapy once every two months or more, the anxiety is consuming me what can i do pls help i know i sound like a pouty 12 y/o but this is a real problem i do not know what to do anymore my head is going to explode",Depression +23849,"and I cannot take it anymore. I hate that I am feeling this way given that I have been lucky enough to get a good job in this climate, but everyday I get home and breakdown crying.how am i supposed to spend the rest of my life like this? feels like i should give a well-deserving person this job and just die 2 months into my first real job after graduating with a degree",Depression +23850,"I have been depressed since I was 7. Major trauma does that to you. And I have tried to commit suicide 7 times: 3 before I was 10, 4 after. But I am 'high-functioning.' I can do the things people expect me to do: get good grades, win competitions, act happy (and sometimes even *be* happy). But I cannot get myself to brush my teeth, take a shower, change my clothes, or care about my personal hygiene when no one is watching. I am still depressed, and I have been diagnosed with depression.So, here is my problem: my parents do not believe me. They say I am faking it, that it gets better, or that this is normal and everyone goes through it. So, I cannot take meds (I am 17). How do I convince them that this is *a problem*. That I am depressed, not because people will pay attention, but because *I am*? And, since most people I know just disregard my depression and say the same things as my parents, I am starting to not believe myself. Am I faking it? Maybe I am Faking It",Depression +23851,"WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I am NOT TRYING TO BRAG NEITHER BE COOL, I UNDERSTAND HOW BAD DRUGS ARE FOR YOU. I am a 16 yo from brazil. Before may i had never even took any drugs (only a few sips here and there and puffed a cigarette once). I spent well over 3 years addicted to video games and stayed inside all day. In february i weighted about 220 pounds and had no friends. So in may i reconected with an old friend (my age), I have known since the age of 5. Basically since the start of the year I have lost 45 pounds, because i would walk for hours straight and not eat a single calorie the whole day ,and since may I have been using weed, alcohol, xanax, and others drugs pretty much every week, and lsd a few times. I am also addicted to cigarettes, i smoke a pack of marlboro reds pretty easily within 2 days. Every time i get high i feel fucking amazing, timeless, i do not even know how to explain it. I do it because i hate myself, i do not see any future for myself, so why not enjoy it while i have not killed myself yet? Sounds really childish i know, but i simply do not care anymore. All my friends have similar problems, but they have plans and stuff, at least potential. Sometimes friends or girls compliment my looks or my personality but i cannot even comprehend it, i feel completely fucking worthless all the time, so i just write it off as them being kind. I feel sorry for my mom and dad, they gave me alot of trauma, i know how much it will probably effect them, but i just cannot help it. I do not want to stop but i know i should before i get addicted to harder drugs because i know i will. I am sorry to those who love for being selfish. Depression and Teenage drug use",Depression +23852,"I have not tried to kill myself, so I cannot even get into acute hospitalization. Residential treatment does not exist. I hurt myself every day. I am non functional. I am living on someone else's money. I have long dissociative episodes where I snap out of it in places I do not remember going to.there is only so long until something snaps, but I cannot find any way to get supervised living. I am so scared that I will dissociate and kill myself, I will hurt myself in a way that causes my death, or I will just snap. I have gone to the point where I have asked for help. I have gone to the emergency room and explained my detailed plans. I have told my therapist my detailed plans and how I harm myself every single day. I feel like the world is goading me into trying to kill myself, demanding I prove it in order to get help. I feel like there is no way for me to be safe.",Suicidal +23853,"Got a 9 to 5 job, why? Because of my poor family wanted me to. I cannot do the things I liked and I always care about other people opinion and stuff. One single piece of opinion will let me overthink for weeks. it is like injecting a poison that have it is painful effect every time whenever I try to work.I never do things for myself, I did not have time to work out, I cannot have my needs, I always do stuff for other people and for myself.I do not know what to do, everybody else college life sounds so simple and life free. Meanwhile me is taking job that I had no friend and always dealing with problemsWhether is the job or my family that have been so life consuming.I am just....tired I realized I am doing everything I can to satisfy others' needs, but not myself.",Depression +23854,Everyone in my life always leaves me I never hold onto friendships and I am usually left to deal with everyone alone. At one point I got use to it and ok being alone but I had a relationship fail and It was mainly to do with her ex being closer to her and trying to get back with her then I was. I go to school and hang out with people but none of them know me and I do not have any actual friends. I talk to 1 person on a daily basis but I am too scared to admit that them because I do not want to be judged. The only time I have peace is when I am distracted but I have started thinking again about a bit more of permanent solution. I got out of suicidal thoughts and depression once but I am not sure I have it in me to do it again. I just want to give up and fade away. No one cares about me and I will not even be surprised if no one replies to this. I just do not see a point to life anymore,Suicidal +23855,"I do not know why but I do not have the will to do anything anymore. I have not had it for years now. I lost it during my high school period and now in my final semester of university I still do not have it. Even if I know how important the thing is and delaying it can definitely mess it up, I still cannot get myself to do it. For example I have to submit the first draft of my thesis tomorrow and I have not even started yet. And ik I will ruin my health and I am already notice it deteriorating but I still cannot get myself to work out or stop smoking. I have kind of given up on life and I do not know how to get the motivation back, the same motivation I had when I was in middle school. I think there is something wrong with me.",Depression +23856,"I am stuck with no optionsi live with my mom and my brother and I am the only one with a job rnive been depressed for as long as i can rememberand my brother lost his job to covid a year ago and he has not gotten a new job since thentbh he probably might just not be lookingeveryone i live with is probably depressed, my mom tells me she is going to die soon and she can feel iti got sick a week ago and i have not been coming into work, and i do not have any pto anymore so I am not even getting paid for that i guessthe house is a fucking mess, sink is filled to the brim with dirty dishes accumulated through the weeki have not been eating much either because eating makes me feel badat this point i just do not want to care about anything anymore my life is over",Suicidal +23857,"You know how sometimes you are feeling crappy at the end of the day, and then you sleep, and you feel somewhat better in the morning?Not today. Insomnia + thunderstorms --> awake a lot. Then when I was asleep I had probably the worst dream of my life. Now that it is morning I just wish I could have died in my sleep. Bad morning",Depression +23858,"where do i even start?well first of all my crush basically used me bc she knew she did not want a relationship but thought she should fool around with me to see if she did. then decided to tell my bestfriend that she still wanted to do that. so then my friend decided to tell me while we were out partying. that is prolly where the frustration stems but then... my dad decides to finally tell me that we are leaving for washington dc on saturday for 6 days. which ik sounds bad to be upset about but i have my reasons.... 1 i just got back from a 8 day trip for a student led organization and it was a very challenging experience for me and i just wanted to be at home for a bit bc i went with literally no one i know. 2 he did not communicate this to anyone....(my parents are divorced) my mom did not even know, and the issue is i have been at his house for most of the week and if i would have known i would have gone over to her house for more days this week (we do not have a schedule at all) 3 i am a very anxious person...i like to be able to know about my trips so i can pack...i like trips on a whim but they have to be shorter...not 6 days. and with the short notice i did not have time to plan at all. the other thing that is not going well is i have noticed my depression again. i have just lost all interest in life. i just want to lay in bed all day and feel nothing. i have even thought about cutting myself again....i just do not have anything right now everyone is just treating me like shit....and i want to cry about it but i cannot. (also i have seen that i have been spilling water a lot lately which is annoying because i know the universe is trying to tell me to get all my emotions out but i do not want to.) &#x200B;BASICALLY FUCK EVERYONE. i am very mad rn and i do not know why.",Depression +23859,"Look I am on here because the suicide national hotline is the shittiest thing in the world. They do not show emotion or sympathy, its all about trying to diagnose you. Anyways, I am on here because I am tired of trying to thrive and ultimately failing time and time again, and each time I fail, I fall farther down. This life is the tutorial anyways right? But I am just trying to find the least painful way to go out so I can end things today, so a quick response would be appreciated. Depression has been a constant battle for a long time, not fitting in or being accepted, yet having a burning desire to be accepted and loved. Its the paradox of humanity, needing to be loved by others, but never truly being loved by others so that need festers into a want that burns with passion. My gf cheated on me and left me, my relationship with God is.idk honestly, he knows I care about him, yet hes still silent and the bible is never direct about what I, me, myself am going through, its vague. The only reason I have not taken a bullet to my brain is that scared of pain, but I am also terrified of ending up in hell for simply wanting to end a grievous cycle, i knew life was shitty, but now we have to be punished for it as well? damnanyways, I am terrified of life as well. College and my social anxiety have caused me to lose sleep as well as the fact that all my friends have left me, no seriously, every single one. I used to be popular, but now I am just a lonesome guy in college trying to convince myself to try to thrive again even though I know ill fail. Anyways, that felt good to get out, but I am looking for a painless way to die, if you know, please respond to this thread, thank you Yea, goodbye world",Suicidal +23860,"Today, I lost a friend. COVID has restricted my time with him, but I have been trying to help him battle with depression for about a week now, and he seemed to feel a little better each time. However, today he decided he had enough. After he said goodbye, I kept trying to call him but he does not pick up. I fear the worst has happened, what can I do? I have not even got a chance to see him one last time. Coping with Loss",Depression +23861,does anyone feel like their antidepressant makes them feel more anxious and restless because I am taking prozac and i cannot seem to sit still and always have to move around. its causing me to have constant suicidal thoughts.. antidepressants,Depression +23862,"So i really need to get my shet together rn, and really reallyyy need advise from people who can hide their depression.. plz How to hide it and pretend that everything's okay",Depression +23863,"Sorry for the alt but people that still care about me use reddit and I cannot let them find out. My entire life sucks and I cannot take it anymore. Whatever I do, I fuck everything up. Everything I do goes wrong. If I breathe in, some bad thing happens in my environment. Fuck that. My entire life is a failure and I cannot take it any longer. I do not care about anything anymore so I will just leave a note why my entire life sucks. Doubt anyone will read anyway.I am ugly as fuck. I was born too early and I am extremely short. If I eat more than 1 meal a day I gain weight. that is why I am slowly becoming overweight. Even people who pass me on the street call me ugly. I am an adult and my body stopped aging around puberty. Guess how fucking miserable I look. I have not smiled for the last 15 years probably. Most of my friends abandoned me and if I want something from them it is always me to contact them. I do not have any special talents. Had to run away from home to be able to move out. Did wageslave jobs that resulted in permanent back pain and back/bladder issues. Every minute on the toilet is painful as fuck. I spend the entire day in front of my pc and the back pain is so strong that I need extremely strong painkillers that are almost like drugs at this point. When I take them everything feels like I am on a drug trip and I start to enjoy it but I am useless for the rest of the day. Alcohol also makes me feel good but I cannot always afford it. I will never be able to have a relationship anymore because my first boyfriend abused me and locked me in his home, my first girlfriend cheated on me with my ex boyfriend. I cannot even watch porn anymore because PTSD kicks in. Horrible right? And recently I realised that I am trapped in the wrong gender very likely. If I look in the reflection in the mirror I do not feel like it is me. I do not even know what I am at this point. I thought everything would be better if I join uni but I keep fucking up my minor. I am below average in my major and can pull through but my minor fucks me. I failed at least 2 classes each semester and if it would not be for covid I would have already been kicked out. I am now taking a minor class for the third time and I still got 0 points in the mock exam. I fucking suck. I hate myself for going this way. I feel like a fucking retard doing a class three times. And this is supposed to be a freshman class. It will only get harder. My uni however has finally given me the chance to escape this cruel world. I get to study abroad and they pay the tution fee. This is my chance. In 2 months I will fly to a different country, quit all my insurances so you cannot take me back! I will probably cut my veins in a public toilet and die a miserable death. Nobody will find out if I have died because everyone excepts me to be gone for 6 months. My death will never be announced to them because I am in a different country. Because I will burn all my public documents, nobody can identify me. I will be missing in action forever. it is only these 2 last months and after that I am finally free. I just need to pull it off. Just 2 more months and I can finally leave this world forever. do not mind my short rant.",Suicidal +23864,What is it as combination What is Accidental Overdose as simple ?,Suicidal +23865,"Hell I tried to fix things up since last time but its not working and I am starting to feel like my ""friends"" are only with me because they only need something from me. Goddammit Fuck me",Suicidal +23866,"I am spending the whole summer laying down. Literally, hours and hours and hours every day. I have no energy and no motivation. It cannot be healthy to spend so many hours laying down. I do not care enough about myself to do anything different than this. How do you get out of bed?",Depression +23867,"I have struggled with some anxiety for a few years now. I had symptoms of anxiety as a child that were not too obvious but now that I am older and reflect back I can see those symptoms should have been alarming. I had (and still) attachment issues. I would fear being left home alone when I was 9 (parents could not afford babysitter) and would often just spend that time crying. One of my elementary school teachers even told my parents I was not ok and should seek a therapist but they did not really listen. I had a hair pulling disorder (I know what its called but cannot spell it) and overall I was always an over thinker but at the time I did not know that was anxiety. I did get the hair pulling checked out when I was 10/11 but that doctor was completely useless, all they prescribed was a serum for my scalp to get the hair to grow back. Like thinking back I am not a doctor or healthcare professional but if a kid is pulling their hair during moments of stress I would think mmmhn maybe let us send this kid to a therapist so they can learn how to cope not just here is a serum, good luck maybe if that doctor would have intervened right away my anxiety would have never gotten this bad. Years later when I was 15/16 I would get dizzy spells. And it was concerning to my parents so they took me to the doctor. Same clinic but different doctor. All they said drink more water and I started doing that but my dizziness never went away. At that point I had given up on doctors. This clinic in my area is for the lower income on medical and is known to be very careless. My parents however are not English speakers so how would they know, their mentality was well a doctor said she is fine so that is thatThen when I was 17 almost 18 I had my first panic attack. I do not remember much but I remember my mom being really scared cuz she did not know what was happening. And ever since then I have not been ok. I am 22 almost 23 now and its only getting worse. I have had bad insomnia this past month to where I flat out just quit my job because I was working early morning shifts. (Retail job I am still in school so I can go a bit not working) I have never had issues sleeping either so this is new. So now that I am very sleep deprived I feel super depressed. I feel like I cannot take it anymore and I am never going to get better. Recently I just met a friend a year ago that has been wonderful and my biggest support system. I do not know if I believe in signs but he came into my life at the right time because if it were not for him I do not know how much more of this I could handle. I know I have him to talk to but sometimes I feel like I am too much and I do not want to overwhelm him.Because of the no sleeping causing my mental health to worsen, I do not know how much more I can handle. Its to a point where I have been considering ending it but I do not know. I need help, I am hoping to see a therapist tomorrow at a walk in clinic but I know that is going to take a while to help me. And I want relief now. This was my way of ranting, idk I need help tho. I do not know how much more I can handle",Depression +23868,"I have struggled with depression on and off but the last few months have been especially hard. I have finally come to terms that it is depression and that I am not just being dramatic. But I cannot do this anymore. The pain I am in is not going away no matter how many times I talk to a therapist or try and distract myself. I want to feel nothing. I do not want to be happy, sad, angry, nothing. How can I do this. Also, I am trying to avoid the suicidal thoughts because I do not want that, I know there are things I can try and not have to take it there I need help",Depression +23869,"I have been productive. Been killing it in the gym again, just got a great job, but none of that matters. I cannot take this pain. Its every second of every day. How can I die on purpose without killing my self? Any serious answers? I cannot take this anymore",Suicidal +23870,"When I was 15 years old I 21 year old man from my church. He was one of the youth group volunteers and therefore, I did not find it odd when he started reaching out to me online. It seemed he was worried about me as an adult and I thought he was trying to sort of guide me into the right path. He would constantly tell me how smart and how beautiful I was. When I was 16 he and I started messaging every day. He would ask about school and ask about my parents. I would complain to him about my parents and instead of giving real advice, he would feed into it. ""Yeah, they do not understand you"" while making it clear that HE understood me. He made me feel so important and so special. By the time I turned 17 and he was 24, we were in CONSTANT contact. We would message all day while I was at school and then when I got home. I did not do homework and I stayed up til 3 on some nights just chatting with him. When I got my license he began making sexual advances. At first I tried to keep him away but I wanted to be wanted so badly. He told me that we were supposed to be together. He told me he loved me and he told me I was perfect. He would have me tell my parents I was sleeping at a friends house but I would be sleeping at his house instead. One time he convinced me to try alcohol, telling me ""It will taste like candy"". When I did not like it, he tried to get me to drink the whole things but I would not. He was genuinely obsessed with me. He admitted that he was keeping boys my age away from me whenever he could when I was 15 and 16 years old. He told me that he was always looking at my social media, including what I watched and commented on Youtube. There were a couple times I tried to break things off with him but he just would not let go. This went on and off for 6 years until it finally ended for real. I was 23....and I realized that I was around his age when he started things physically with me as a Jr. in high school. I pictured myself with a high school Jr. of 17 years old and I felt sick to my stomach. It messed me up really badly. I did not know what a healthy relationship was. I never really progressed emotionally the way I was supposed to; like I was constantly just stuck at 17 years old. I wanted him in jail. He BELONGS in jail....only he does not. 34 states the age of consent is 16, including my own. It is LEGAL for an adult of ANY age to have sex with a 16 year old high school SOPHOMOR! In most states, you can even have sex with an actual child...as long as you get married. Guess what? it is LEGAL to marry a child in those same states, as long as you get parental consent; WHICH PARENTS GIVE ALL THE TIME. This is literally happening in the United States and it is just fine with everyone. I am messed up forever, going to trauma therapy, and our government is telling me that nothing bad happened to me. Because at that age I was considered to be equipped to handle a grown man, feeding me alcohol, telling me he was in love with me and promising me that he was going to solve all my problems. The same age girls were all obsessed with Twilight and learning how to drive. I was not old enough to buy cigarettes, or alcohol, or voted....but I could have sex with adults. do not get me wrong; I do not think I SHOULD have been allowed to buy cigarettes or alcohol or vote....but HE should not have been allowed to do the things he did to me. I feel like I am going to vomit. I hate this world. I just want this world to change",Depression +23871,"I am currently going through both a depressive episode and a rough patch in my relationship. I had a hard talk with my partner today about our relationship and other things in life, and the whole time I just felt completely closed off. At one point he was crying, practically breaking down in front of me, and I felt nothing. Deep down, I felt sorry for him. I wish I could have cried alongside him. But nothing. I felt and said nothing. I feel terrible because of this; the person I care about is crying in front of me and I cannot even say anything. I feel completely closed off, numb, and empty. I feel like if someone I cared about died right now, my face would stay blank and I would feel nothing. For some reason I prefer to just be emotional than to be completely empty like this. At least when I am emotional I can cry, rather than sitting here with a blank face, feeling nothing. I am feeling completely empty and it is scaring me.",Depression +23872,I because be in room full of family and friends and I still feel alone. I am tried of feeling alone I give my heart to people for them to hurt me.I am tried of feeling alone and tried of trying to stay alive I am tried of feeling alone,Suicidal +23873,"How do you deal with the constant fatigue? I feel like I am so tired all day, I nap for hours. I can sleep for 10+ hours and then wake up and still be tired. On the other hand even when I am super tired, I usually fall asleep past 1am. It is so hard for me to study and concentrate like this, its unbearable. I want my old energetic self back. Fatigue",Depression +23874,The last 2 weeks have been so hard. I do not think I can continue. My stomach looks like a chess board covered in blood. I do it on my chest because its harder to find. I have 1 reason so live and that is it. And so many more not to. I cannot go on anymore,Suicidal +23875,"I have been depressed/anxious all my life. I spent my youth moving around, and as a small outsider kid I would always be the target of bullying. I learned to hide my emotions, fake being okay, and draw attention to and away from myself. I spent all my time in books imagining fantasy worlds where I was not in my life. I made a close friend in 3rd grade, another subject of bullying, although he was abused as well. He confided in me in 5th grade and I realised we both wanted to not live anymore. I shamefully tried to end this friendship as I could not deal with the feelings that I felt. I am sorry.It was at this time I started dropping hints to the parent I most admired at the time. His masked panic that his child might have issues told me that talking about my problems was not okay for the people around me. I grew up with few close friends, and none that I could trust fully with my feelings.These past few years I have slowly settled down and gone to university, only to find that my failure to address my mental health has resulted in apathy in my studies, my hobbies. I have developed real, deep friendships, but I cannot find myself trusting my emotions to these people. And when I do, I am not relieved, just more hurt.I have not completed any subject these past couple of years, and now it is past due for me to graduate. I cannot keep lying to my parents, who I live with, but I cannot tell the truth either. One parent is socially inept, and the other is understanding with a background in mental health, but grew up in a very abusive household and has a difficult time confusing honesty and manipulation.I will never hurt myself, but I do not know how to tell people how I feel without it being like I am manipulating them, burdening them, or feeling like shit. I have been on the receiving end and I know it is difficult to hear. do not know what to tell my parents.",Depression +23876,"I do not understand how people do it. My current job involves pressure washing and other less pleasurable activities in the hot sun. Crawling through attics that are 110 degrees or more. Digging under houses full of rotten wood and sewage. Pulling and resetting dirty toilets. Basically, if there is any miserable, thankless, literal shit job to be done around a property its my job to do it. It did not have to be this way. I was an all As student in high school, always made the Deans list in college. I enjoy things like reading, writing, drawing, organizing. I never wanted to be outside as a kid and resented when my father made me go work in the heat. I LOVE air conditioning. I do not understand how people survived without it not that long ago. I could have been a botanist, historian, lawyer, archivist, librarian, teacher, or any number of things that would not have me doing hard labor in the Mississippi sun. This is where I am though. Doing the worse jobs in the world where I am concerned, with no end in sight. I wake up angry about it most days. I lash out at pretty much anybody I feel keeps me here, which is everyone I should care about since the people I work most closely with is my wife and father. So I am certainly damaging my relationships as well. I hate my life. I have had one job in the past ten years I kind of liked that was basically a filling job in an office. It did not pay very well, but it was climate controlled and I did not worry about ruining my clothing every day. I could look in the mirror as I walked out the door and take pride in what I saw. Now I see a disheveled, defeated human being wearing little better than rags off to do another day in the salt mines.I hear people complain about their office jobs, how bored they are at their desks. I envy them so much it hurts. Id give just about anything not to have to go do what I do every day. there is nothing I enjoy about it. Nothing. I do not feel like I have any other options though. If this is the rest of my life; Id as soon not live it. Hard Labor",Depression +23877,"it is been 10 years since her death and I still miss her and I grief over her. Is is this normal for me to miss someone for this long? She died when I was 9 years old, ever since her death I have had dreams about her and I hear her voice. She use to give me orange tictacs and everytime I smell the smell of cigarettes I get reminded of her. the list goes on and on. Everything reminds me of her. I remember her sweet gentle voice, she loved me alot. She wanted to see me one last time before she passed away but my Dad would not let me. I am still mad about that, I would do anything to talk to her again.I get very depressed when I miss her, I miss her so damn much. If heaven does exist, I hope I meet her again. I miss my deceased Aunt",Suicidal +23878,"I will be happy if I did. I do not have to deal with any kind of nonsense in life anymore if I got the easy way out. I am too tired to talk at this point. So if you want to see more context, just look up my post history. I am still not yet vaccinated. Does that mean I will die if I got Covid-19?",Suicidal +23879,"I have a good job. I recently adopted a dog. I bought a property with my partner in the last year, which I never thought I would be able to so. My family love me. I am able to save money. I have been with my partner for five years now. we are planning a wedding. So why do I still feel this despair and heartache? Why cannot I just be normal and content? Why does it feel like I am a failure at everything and I will never be good enough and I will never feel anything but brief bursts of happiness peppered into a background blanket feeling of sadness and pain and numbness. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep for the rest of my days. I have not washed my hair in a week, I have not showered in 3 days, I have not brushed my teeth since Monday. Every tiny thing that goes wrong feels like a massive catastrophe. Even though logically I know it is not. I just feel like a fat dirty blob who does not deserve to exist anymore. I should not feel like this",Depression +23880,"I struggle with depression. Praise God, I have been able to get therapy and will be starting medication soon. Depression holds me back in my career because I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and I am usually late for work. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you have any hacks for getting out the door on time? How do you get up in time for work?",Depression +23881,"I have suffered from depression for over 10 years now, as well as c-ptsd due to my mothers abuse. I am also autistic and queer, I suffer from chronic pain, and I am poor despite working 60 hours a week (on call, but when you are basically an informal area manager with low-level employee pay...).I *was* seeing a psychiatrist for 10 years, but I never really told him anything substantial because my mother was *also* his patient and even with HIPAA I felt that she could easily learn things about me I needed her not to know. I finally cut her out of my life, but to do so I had to move 6 hours away from all of my family and friends, and I could not afford to see the psych anymore. I could not even afford health insurance. Due to that, I have been unmedicated and out of therapy for 5 or so years now.Now I am more financially stable and looking for a psych and/or therapist to help me process my trauma and help me to be a functioning member of society. I have reached out to 6 different people and only one agreed to see me, with one of them even explicitly denying me because were a system. However, all she did was push anxiety apps and meditation at me, then she forgot about me after two months of seeing her.I feel like were untreatable. This is never going to get better. I have not self harmed in a few years, and have not seriously considered suicide in even longer, but now those thoughts are coming back. I have been bursting into tears for no reason at least 10 times a day and I am plagued by nightmares about my mother finding me. Yesterday my grandma (who partially raised me) begged me to call my mom and I snapped at her, and today I found out she is in the hospital. Things are only getting worse. I do not want to die but I do not know what else to do. My spouse does not know how to support me and my only IRL friend is having her own problems. I am stuck on a steady decline. Considering relapse or worse at this point",Depression +23882,"I just wish I could press a button and erase myself from the face of the earth. Every day is just empty, another reason why I should not be here I just want to go",Depression +23883,I have not made it into work the last 2 days (I work for the NHS) and I feel at rock bottom. My boyfriend is supposed to be coming up to mine tonight but I do not even want to see him. I want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep for a very long time. I feel like I am lying to everyone. do not want to be here anymore Really struggling today,Depression +23884,Would anyone like to talk to me? I need someone to talk to...,Depression +23885,"This took me a while to write , was not an easy task. If it is difficult to understand what I want to say, I am sorry. I am just fucking confused and it is difficult to express myself. I always had troubles at keeping my level of confidence high but , for the most part of my life I was happy and now I am stuck in a spiral of all the bad things that happened the last couple years (finished my master's when covid hit hard so was unable to work until a couple of months ago, was living abroad, realized that friends are not always there for you...) Basically spent almost two years on my couch.. I almost gave up on my professional life because I felt I was not good enough and that my colleagues were nasty. Now my relationship of 5 years is crumbling apart and I do not have the strength to fight for it as I did. The only thing that comes to my mind is disappearing and I do not know how to deal with it. I am sorry if this does not look like a real problem but I needed to vent because I do not have the courage to talk about this with my friends or family Just lost..",Suicidal +23886,"I am 23M from India.My family loves meI have a decent jobBut I am losing the motivation to do anything. My health is going really bad. I am having headache and neuro issues. I am seeing doctor very often. Still no cure.i work in IT and my employet is an asshole. I just want to wake up every day and do nothing. I wish I were rich so that I could be depressed with peace. I wish I were a healthy kid. Mentally and physically. I am so lucky to have this family. Fuck my employer, everything. My family loves me and I am going to be there for them. So fuck my employer. there is nothing important to me than me and my family. Fuck the rest. it is important to be alive and happy than to be successful. _fuck the rest_ I have _everything_ and still depressed",Depression +23887,"So I was forced to go to residential anorexia treatment 2 months ago by my parents who threatened a conservatorship over me. I have been out for a week and I am extremely depressed. I put on 30 pounds against my will because of the ED so now my clothes do not fit, so I have to get new ones. I hardly have money for food but I still get agonizingly hungry because now I am used to eating. My parents have sent me some money since I got out, I literally had almost no money before and I have spent it on new clothes (oversized, baggy ones to hide my body) and grocery items. I am so depressed I can hardly get out of bed to see my friends because I am ashamed of how I look. I have like zero money and I am not in a head space to work right now. My parents are not giving me more money. I feel so hopeless and helpless I am even considering selling my pet snake because as much as I LOVE her, I could use those extra few hundred dollars to make ends meet. This is so much worse than before I went to treatment. I did not ask for any of this. I feel like my parents ruined my life I am worse after going to treatment",Depression +23888,"27 M here. I am just feeling bored of everything and its scaring the hell out of me. I am a big gamer and usually games keep me satisfied and my mind off depression. Recently i will turn a game on and turn it off in 5 mins. It no longer gives me satisfaction, everything feels pointless and I have tried other activities like reading and listening to music. All of it is just boring to me i do not have many friends all i do is work and come home. I do not know what i should do anymore? All i want to do is lie down in bed and stare at the ceiling. I am taking 20mg of Citalopram and that could possibly be making me bored as bat shit does anyone have any experience with antidepressants and boredom? Would love to talk to a few people here and make some friends. Very depressed and everything feels boring?",Depression +23889,"I donate blood alot. I was testing to donate marrow. Actively seeking someone who needed a kidney, half my liver, lots of tape around that in Aus sadly. Somehow my pathetic attempts at overdose and alcohol poisoning the few years and months before did not do anything but have me vomit, and apparently I would make weird sounds my house mates would tell me about a few days later. They thought I was just really drunk in my room alone, they could here my groans through the walls.More numb and amazed at how resilient the human body can be. Why does it have to be so hard to die? I have made a plan that is okay. Not so violent or scary, or inconveniencing to anyone, i never want to be a burden, and they can still use my parts, as scuffed some are, for something better.it is all riding on the one thing i have going for me. And I am ready for it to fail. Exsanguinate",Suicidal +23890,"Barely holding on to my job. I am extremely overly sensitive. My relationships are struggling, no one I can really open up to. I feel like I am a passive aggressive asshole. Even though I have been treated for depression for years sometimes when I spiral this badly, I still start to doubt if it is real or if I am just lazy and ungrateful. Feels like I will never get better at anything in life",Depression +23891,"I really do not give a shit anymore. I do not want to experience all these forced feelings that i have. After some certain events unfold, it will truly make no difference if i live the rest of my life like a vegetable or in current state. I am just waiting for all of this to be over. I am coming to a point where i do not care if i fuck myself up with self-destructive behaviour or suicide attempts",Suicidal +23892,"alright, so first i have to admit that my biggest need in life is to feel loved. not just loved, but to have someone that finds me attractive and is turned on by me and my body. including my penis. now, when i was younger. say, teen and young adult. i really did not care too much about my penis size. sure i would be a bit embarressed by it and was always one to hold off on sexual activities until i had been with a girl for a little while. but it did not because depression. I am in my 30's now and my life experiances has taken me from thinking ""size is not everything"" to litterally crying more often then i would like to admit over my penis size. I am a grower first off. and at full staff its not too bad i guess. below average but not micro by any means. but soft its less then an inch for sure. in fact. when I am sitting down its litterally inside me. anyway. because of this i have never been much for one night stands or to go around having sex with lots of woman. with the exeption of twice in my life, i have just been a long term relationship type. i have had 4 previous relationships (one was marriage for almost 10 years). and i am on my 5th currently. all 4 of those, i was cheated on. multiple times. my ex wife i had even found that she was telling the other guys that i was small and she did not get turned on my it. taking something i was already a little self consious about, and adding in that EVERY girlfriend i have had has cheated on me. i am now VERY needy in terms of exeptence of my penis size. my current relationship, we have sex once or twice a month and that is it. she says she is just not a very sexual person. but see, we were friends before we started dating and, she used to talk about loving to give blowjobs, and she even had a FWB just because she loved giving them so much she had someone she could just go suck any time she wanted. so i cannot help but feel like its me. like i have an underwelling penis that just does not get her going. my life at this point revolves around my self loathing over my penis size. I feel like the ONE thing i need more then anything i can never have because no girl gets excited about small penis'. the best i hear is woman that say they do not mind it. or that it does not matter to them. but i clearly have never even found that. i do love my current girlfriend and she is good to me any many non sexual ways. and i feel i cannot give my true feelings to her because that might seem like guilt tripping and when it comes to sex, guilt tripping someone, in many ways, is a bit..... well... i cannot think of the word so i will use an example. a guy that guilts a woman into sex because she gave him blue balls would be considered a pig right? so i feel like if i talked about this with her it would be similar. like..... oh you should have sex with me more because i need to feel like my penis size is ok.... i just cannot do that. i do not feel right about it. even if i know in my head that is not my reason. in my head I am not doing it as a guilt trip. that is still kind of too close to the same category. so i sit here. so damned depressed that i cannot even ""take care of myself"" when i feel the urge sometimes. i feel sad and like i will never feel truly loved and desired. you know, let us talk about porn for a moment. i am not one to use it when i am in a relationship. but i had a few years between my ex and my current girl to have watched a bit and really dig around to see what is out there. and i am starting to cave a bit and use it from time to time just because of how in frequent we have sex. but the point of bringing up porn is this.... there is fetishes for basically everything. feet fetishes. old people. fat people. short people. tall people. big boobs. small boobs. ect ect. i mean the list is endless. but you know what i cannot find? a porn fetish catagory for woman that like small dicks. you can find a fetish for woman that like to be pee'd on and deficated on. but not that like small penis'. in fact. the only small penis fetish i can find is HUMILIATION. which is the LAST thing i want to see and just know that its out there depresses me even more. its depressing to think that every woman i have ever been with has been so displeased by it that they decided to go find a bigger one to play with on the side. i tried anonymous video sites a few times when i was single and that left me crying every time. you find a girl that wants to cam with you. and as soon as she see's what i am working with, she either clicks off immediatly, or she stays to laugh and call it small. there was one time that i thought that maybe witholding the information that i had a small dick until the relationship was a few weeks old (or more) was my problem. so when i was talking to this one girl, i waiting for her to bring up sex in the conversation and when she finally did, i informed her i was small. she asked for a picture so i sent her one. she litterally just stopped replying. never heard from her again. like. i genuinly feel like maybe they feel like they have been scammed or something. start a relationship with me. i seem like a good boyfriend. and then bam. small dick. i do not know what to do. i know i should not put so much into my penis size. but my life experiances has caused this and i can no longer convince myself its ok. i can no longer believe size does not matter. or its the motion of the ocean. or that looks are not everything. or that you can make up for it in bed with other things like mouth skills and so on. i just want someone to genuinly like my penis. and i will never have that. small ""member"" causing major depression",Depression +23893,"I want to die so badly,why cannot just someone drive a car on me so i can die I want to die",Suicidal +23894,Even though I have a family some friends I just feel like I am always alone and will end up alone It are not worth it anymore I just feel like I am alone and everything is fading away,Suicidal +23895,"I am going to hang myself this summer,probably. I am giving up",Suicidal +23896,Please make my heart stop beating tonight okay thanks Hello universe you stupid slut,Depression +23897,"I am a 31 year old man and I hate myself. I hate the way my face looks, I struggle to lose weight, and I do not even like the sound of my own voice. I get such extreme anxiety when talking to people, especially for work. Started a new job that I thought I would love and that id be set for life for and I just feel like an imposter trying to fit in. My manager let me know that I am not doing good and that I am struggling to learn or communicate with others. I have never felt like I fit in anywhere either. I have tried and failed to make friends SO many times in my life that I have completely given up. I never even attempted to get into a relationship because I know when I get rejected, I am going to take it so personally that I am going to be a complete wreck. Its why I am still a virgin who has never even been kissed or been touched or been on a date before and I have a porn addiction now too. I spend hours looking at porn and edging. Now I am so afraid that I might be turning gay or bisexual because the only porn and fantasies that turn me on anymore involve sex with other men. I constantly go on grindr or omegle and sext with other men all the time because they are the only ones who i get a response from. If my parents ever found that out about me they would be so disappointed and would disown me. I do not want to off myself but I do wish sometimes i would just pass in my sleep. I feel like a failure both as a man and as a human being. I hate myself",Depression +23898,"Feeling really depressed lately, told my partner about it an hell do something nice an totally forget about it the next day. I do not like putting pressure on him either as he is younger than me. I have asked for help from him a few times. I have asked doctors even an I cannot even get a appointment. Its come down to the point where I had to text helpline because I do not want to do something stupid Depressed",Depression +23899,"Utterly, completely pointlessI never want to wake up anymore My life is pointless",Depression +23900,"Is anyone else struggling with this? Some background, I grew up and watched my entire family die off before I turned 30. I was there for most of it .. so much fear, pain, and suffering... it was just awful, awful stuff and I would not wish those experiences on my worst enemies.I am not religious or spiritual... I suspect death is final. That being said, I cannot wrap my head around the meaning of life. It is absurd. How can we possibly believe our small accomplishments are significant when there are billions of humans, trillions of lifeforms, and all of it is just a speck of dust in a larger solar system, in an even bigger galaxy, in a possibly infinite universe? The social constructs we create to box ourselves in and make sense of the senseless, the narratives we tell ourselves over and over again, the cognitive dissonance we experience when contemplating our own mortality ... all of these things are evolutionary defenses so we continue to feel good about ourselves, procreate, et cetera.The obvious answer is to stop analyzing it all and just enjoy the ride, but as I am getting older I find myself obsessing about how I am utilizing the precious time I have left. Do I sacrifice the present to provide a comfortable future for myself? What if I die tomorrow? And after all these thoughts, I cannot help but thinking *what does it matter?* My wife wants to have kids but the thought of creating more life that will inherently suffer and die makes me nauseous. Each year seems to pass faster than the next and before I know it, if I am lucky, I will blow through middle age and be facing down death sooner than I expect. If I were less afraid I would kill myself, but something is better than nothing and the idea of nothing terrifies me./rant. Anyone battling similar depression and anxiety? How do you cope? Life is frightening and I do not know how so many people are so well adapted to the chaos. Crippling existential anxiety after losing all my family",Depression +23901,"it used to be somewhat ok when i was younger, not talking about happiness but the vibe i feel reguardless where I am ati sort of feel or nothing or bad my neutral mood is meh",Depression +23902,I wear a UK size 10 (down from a 12) and I eat nothing but fruit and vegetables. My sister eats far more than me and looks like a UK size 14. I want to start starving myself to death. I no longer believe I am thinner than my sister. I am not going to eat anymore. My mother said I was fatter than my sister,Suicidal +23903,"I am having a severe panic attack, I am completely out of my mind right now and I do not know what to do... I feel out of breath and I cannot stop thinking about hurting myself, I cannot breathe. I am actively feeling suicidal right now and I am scared",Suicidal +23904,"My sibling just yelled at me that they are suicidal, and I just got really emotional and shut the door and went to my room. I want to help them but I feel like I cannot because I am suicidal too and I am still dealing with that. I feel guilty because I do not know what to do. But I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack about it. How do I stop myself from wanting to die to help someone else? I do not know what to say because all the generic things people say to suicidal people do not work on me. I love them so much and the mean the world to me but I cannot express my feelings about anything. How am I supposed to help my other suicidal people when I cannot help myself?",Suicidal +23905,I am on drugs. Benzodiazepines and drinking everyday. I am a man. A 19 year old man. A high school valedictorian. Lost all my energy and aspiration when depression really hit me. The SSRIS were a bandaid and I still get brain zaps. I just hate myself. My younger sister is getting a car and a job. I am here doing drugs trying to not be such a nuisance to my family. My mom struggles everyday and I want to help and try to help but I know I am not doing enough. I feel shittier and shittier everyday I am not providing for my family. I wish I was never born. In a drugged state I went and spent my parents money on a scam on the deepweb. I feel embarrassed. They do not know. Its only $30 but it kills me. I want to be giving them thousands not taking anything. Not a penny. I know it will not always be this bad so Ill keep going but it hurts. I am tired. I am in another shithole.,Depression +23906,"I constantly fantasize about things I will never have such as relationships, being super rich, traveling the world, etc... I know that I should not dwell on theses fantasies, but having false hop is honestly all I have now. Maladaptive daydreaming will be the death of me.",Depression +23907,"Still live with my parents, still a minor yeah. Not for long though, wish I could cherish my youth for what its worth since I never really got to get out of the house much or have anything closely resembling a healthy functioning friendship. Just overcontrolling and overbearing parents with shit abusive colleagues. Parents left for a business trip, 'bout a week. Two days ago, was melding over my dwindling sanity and the increasing gaps in my memory. I cannot remember shit about any traumatic events I may or may not have had in the past, so it is quite depressing to think that maybe they just never happened in the first place. I have no real reason to be depressed so it is quite likely that I am just doing all of this for the attention. At least that is what I have been told. Cracked out alcohol, since I cannot cry. have not been able to cry for a very long while. Parents used to beat me for crying, colleagues used to beat me as well. School when I was younger was shit, used to get beaten up a lot. Broke my nose twice, a few other bones in my body. Belittled and broken down so fucking much it bled straight through to the point where I had a decent sized portion of my adolescence where I was obsessed with the idea of transitioning to abandon my entire previous personality and set of memories since I could not cope with them anymore. Still fucks me over to this day, and although I might have found a balance for a ""softer guy"" type personality it still does not play well at times. Right, sidetracking. Alcohol. Thought it might help me unbottle some emotion to the point where it overflowed and I might cry again. have not eaten anything proper for months now, usually just half a meal a day, (Think a sandwich, maybe two on a good day), so the alcohol kicked in really quickly. Sisters were going to be back so I counteracted with around 7-8 espressos in a large mug. Looking back that was probably a bad idea. I never got around to crying. Instead, sitting on bathroom tile for hours on end, I just took more and more aspirin with ibuprofen to get around to finally biting the dust. I have been trying for *years* now, it just never really worked out since the probability of a proper death and not just oh-great-i-fucking-survived-and-now-my-parents-are-going to-ship-me-to-a-monastary type lifestyle, but then I just could not give less of a fuck. Necked down 6-7 aspirin and 25 ibuprofen when a really bad habit kicked in. I tend to cut myself. Right around my thigh, so that it is easier to hide. Usually I just cut once twice, never revisiting the same wound but goddamn this time I was persistent. Cut the same area multiple times till I hit the femoral artery. Alcohol, ib, aspirin, and caffeine make for one hell of a whack combo, and then I was bleeding out to death as well. Over the course of the next few hours I proceeded to loose a lot of blood. Funny how the only time I am ever smart and live up to the expectations others have of me is when I am trying to kill myself. I have no idea how much, but I had a really fucking bad fever, tremors, and a few others but I have no idea what happened after I got in bed. Bled through the damn mattress, and the only thing that saved my life was a belt and some salt. Strapped it so tightly around my leg I have no idea why I stopped the bleeding, I do not remember 80% of the shit that happened two days ago, as usual, but the thing that was the scariest was the relentless sense of loneliness. it is why I am here now, two days later. Alone in a dark room, desperately calling every number in the contact book to see if someone will pick up, someone to save me from the same nightmare, but no one is there. I am all alone. I know I deserve it, but it is still scary. After all this time, years on end of loneliness I still cannot get over it. I would say I am a kid at heart but after the things I have done in the past the guilt just will not let go. All I know is that life is fucking scary, man. I apologize for the mega-condensed version of this. Yes this is on a new account, I do not want people in my personal life knowing what the fuck is going on. If I managed to do one thing right, it was hide this whole fucked incident from my sisters and brother-in-law without them guessing what the fuck was going on. I did not touch on some of the finer stuff but I suppose that is to be clarified later. I also know there is a decent chance this will get removed, to which I tell the moderators that it is pretty understandable. Whatever happens typing this out helped me a little at least. EDIT: Transferred this back to my main account (paranoia be screwed) since the new account bugged out. I am sorry for that\~ Depression, Amnesia, and Death oh my.",Depression +23908,Can someone help me? A professor requires us to buy some paper (a case study) online. It costs 4.25 us dollars. I only have gcash and I do not know how the hell can I put money in that fvcking PayPal. I HATE IT Help,Depression +23909,"Already done with the preparation. Deactivated all my personal social media accounts, wrote my suicide note, bought the rope and all that.Wish me luck! Thank you all for atleast not making me feel alone during these darkest time of my life while reading your stories, I hope you all find the answers and solutions to your problems.But its too late for me, I am just so fucking tired and I do not know how much long I can bear with this so I might as well just end it now and save myself from being more of an utter disappointment piece of shit. Goodbye if you are ever reading this :) I am finally going to do it someday this week.",Suicidal +23910,"I have a bachelors and a certificate and cannot get a job anywhere. I have applied to over 120 places, was denied from 5. cannot even get a job at a grocery store. If I do not get a job by the end of the year, I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +23911,"I sleep for at least 14-16 hours a day. I feel like my body is shutting down on its own. I sleep this long, but I also wake up a lot of time. What makes me go back to sleep is my dreams. For example, I have a good dream after that I wake up. Wanting to continue that dream I sleep again, then I have a nice dream again, then I wake up the cycle just continues. If possible I just want to stay in my dreams forever. Is this weird? Anybody else that does this? I keep sleeping so I can keep dreaming",Depression +23912,"Heard my grandparents talk behind my back, ""Why does not she ever go out, even x goes out and does this and that""I only heard bits of their conversation but I also heard the word ""crazy"" in my native languageTo think that I asked for help and my mom and grandma just brushed it off. I have been sick for what feels like a decade now and I am so sick of being sick, I just want to die.I got my diagnosis when my friends snuck me into therapy. The psychiatrist had to stop meeting me because he would lose his license if he did. A year or two later, I confessed to my grandma but she got mad because I told my friends. I do not know what I expected. she is always cared about her reputation the most. Always bragged about me attending a nice school and getting nice grades. does not want a word of me being depressed going out and refuses to address it. My performance in school has started deteriorating, I am not sleeping and eating well. I asked for a break from school but I am not getting it. I am going to get dragged to school tomorrow for my college enrollment. have not settled my clearance and will most likely be waitlisted. A part of me did it intentionally out of spite and also, is there even a point anymore? I do not know if I can hold out for longer. I am at a point where I might kill myself any time. Thinking is exhausting and I really wish that I would just do it already.Whenever I got sick and had to be absent from school for a day or two, my grandma does not even ask me why or if I am alright. she is more concerned about the fact that I am absent from school. I could go on about how terrible of a person she is but you already get it.My family always says how grateful I should be because they fed me and gave me shelter. I fucking hate it so much. Thanks, I was not aware that having children is so similar to having pets. (Although I would do so much more than food and shelter if I had a pet.)Everything hurts. I just woke up from a whole day's sleep and I just want to sleep again in the hopes that I will never wake up. The only thing I do whenever I am awake is cry anyway. My eyes hurt so much at this point.I am 18 already so I could go and meet a psychiatrist without needing my family's consent now. But I am so tired and I cannot function anymore.I hope my unhealthy lifestyle kills me soon. Even suicide sounds so tiring. I am going back to sleep. Asked for help but did not get it.",Suicidal +23913,"My priorities have completely changed, since I was just a kid I use to want to be left alone. To be hated and ignored. I value and love people but for so long I pretended I did not. I want to have relationships with people, but I am completely alone and have no one else to blame. I have been lying to myself for 4 long years. The entire time trying to find my source of suffering, but I think I finally found it. Healing / Have no one else to tell this too",Depression +23914,"I think of suicide more and more frequently, I am so sick of being sad angry and miserable with no cure . What happens next I am sick of struggling every day",Suicidal +23915,"Still live with my parents, still a minor yeah. Not for long though, wish I could cherish my youth for what its worth since I never really got to get out of the house much or have anything closely resembling a healthy functioning friendship. Just overcontrolling and overbearing parents with shit abusive colleagues. Parents left for a business trip, 'bout a week. Two days ago, was melding over my dwindling sanity and the increasing gaps in my memory. I cannot remember shit about any traumatic events I may or may not have had in the past, so it is quite depressing to think that maybe they just never happened in the first place. I have no real reason to be depressed so it is quite likely that I am just doing all of this for the attention. At least that is what I have been told. Cracked out alcohol, since I cannot cry. have not been able to cry for a very long while. Parents used to beat me for crying, colleagues used to beat me as well. School when I was younger was shit, used to get beaten up a lot. Broke my nose twice, a few other bones in my body. Belittled and broken down so fucking much it bled straight through to the point where I had a decent sized portion of my adolescence where I was obsessed with the idea of transitioning to abandon my entire previous personality and set of memories since I could not cope with them anymore. Still fucks me over to this day, and although I might have found a balance for a ""softer guy"" type personality it still does not play well at times. Right, sidetracking. Alcohol. Thought it might help me unbottle some emotion to the point where it overflowed and I might cry again. have not eaten anything proper for months now, usually just half a meal a day, (Think a sandwich, maybe two on a good day), so the alcohol kicked in really quickly. Sisters were going to be back so I counteracted with around 7-8 espressos in a large mug. Looking back that was probably a bad idea. I never got around to crying. Instead, sitting on bathroom tile for hours on end, I just took more and more aspirin with ibuprofen to get around to finally biting the dust. I have been trying for *years* now, it just never really worked out since the probability of a proper death and not just oh-great-i-fucking-survived-and-now-my-parents-are-going to-ship-me-to-a-monastary type lifestyle, but then I just could not give less of a fuck. Necked down 6-7 aspirin and 25 ibuprofen when a really bad habit kicked in. I tend to cut myself. Right around my thigh, so that it is easier to hide. Usually I just cut once twice, never revisiting the same wound but goddamn this time I was persistent. Cut the same area multiple times till I hit the femoral artery. Alcohol, ib, aspirin, and caffeine make for one hell of a whack combo, and then I was bleeding out to death as well. Over the course of the next few hours I proceeded to loose a lot of blood. Funny how the only time I am ever smart and live up to the expectations others have of me is when I am trying to kill myself. I have no idea how much, but I had a really fucking bad fever, tremors, and a few others but I have no idea what happened after I got in bed. Bled through the damn mattress, and the only thing that saved my life was a belt and some salt. Strapped it so tightly around my leg I have no idea why I stopped the bleeding, I do not remember 80% of the shit that happened two days ago, as usual, but the thing that was the scariest was the relentless sense of loneliness. it is why I am here now, two days later. Alone in a dark room, desperately calling every number in the contact book to see if someone will pick up, someone to save me from the same nightmare, but no one is there. I am all alone. I know I deserve it, but it is still scary. After all this time, years on end of loneliness I still cannot get over it. I would say I am a kid at heart but after the things I have done in the past the guilt just will not let go. All I know is that life is fucking scary, man. I apologize for the mega-condensed version of this. Yes this is on a new account, I do not want people in my personal life knowing what the fuck is going on. If I managed to do one thing right, it was hide this whole fucked incident from my sisters and brother-in-law without them guessing what the fuck was going on. I did not touch on some of the finer stuff but I suppose that is to be clarified later. I also know there is a decent chance this will get removed, to which I tell the moderators that it is pretty understandable. Whatever happens typing this out helped me a little at least. Depression, Amnesia and Death, oh my.",Depression +23916,"I am 19 and I am lucky enough that my parents are not forcing me out on my own or into a career just yet. However, rn I can barely count on myself to wake up and do the bare minimum everyday. I cannot even sleep normally and wake up to alarms. I do not know how I am ever going to be able to live any sort of productive life st this point. For context I take medication to sleep at night and I still cannot fall asleep until early morning, I then cannot wake up at a reasonable time and if I try I am almost completely incoherent. The sleep medication is also a form of antidepressant so I have to choose between a healthy amount of sleep or my depression meds. I feel like a complete failure either way, and I am so scared of my depressive episodes but I have anxiety attacks whenever I have to do anything during the day because I feel as if I will not be able to wake up on time or get up. I do not feel capable of adult life",Depression +23917,"Thoughts of suicide are becoming more frequent , being angry hopeless and sad all the time seems futile but there does not seem to be anyway to change it. How does this end I am so sick of struggling through every day",Suicidal +23918,Approximately a month from now. I do not care if it gets better. I just want to end it. I thought id just slit my wrists and quietly bleed to death while I am tired in my bed. Is there any other easier ways ? Planning on taking my life for my birthday,Suicidal +23919,Every time I even seriously contemplate un-aliving myself I got such an anxiety attack :( which I could just spontaneously stop existing . I wish I could just cease to exist ...,Suicidal +23920,"I am tired. I cannot achieve any of the things I want to and even if I achieve something, it does not help shit. I have no social life, no one to speak to and school makes me want to kms even more. I feel so lonely all the time but my social anxiety is keeping me from making friends. I am still scared to do it but i know that it is the only option for me. wonder if anyone feels the same wasted the best years of my life being depressed and running away from my problems",Suicidal +23921,"Hello, I am 18 and I have reasons to believe I may be suffering from depression. I have absolutely no motivation for anything, I often feel sad and lonely especially at night. I have difficulties to sleep and to awake on the morning and I am always getting angry for nothing. Sometimes I just hate everyone for being lonely.. And I have no hope in the future, I am convinced I will fail in my studies.. there is almost no day when I do not think I would rather be dead or wish I was never born. I do not feel connected enough to anyone to talk to them..I tried to tell my friends but they did't seem to care or to took it seriously. I think the only reason I can talk here is because English is not my mother tongue so it kind of feel unreal even though I know you are real people (I would probably not say those things in French even online) and since I know you will not judge me. And I particularly cannot talk to my parents because I know they would either do not care, judge me or laugh at me..I would like to see a therapist, but I feel like or world is not worth living in so I sometimes think I should not try to get better.. I cannot tell my parents I think I am depressed",Depression +23922,Lifes shit and carbon monoxide seems like a nice way out Can anyone link a website that sells pure carbon monoxide cylinders or at least 95% Where to buy pure carbon monoxide,Suicidal +23923,"I am paranoid about hearing thingsi was diagnosed with severe anxiety just over a year ago, which led to me being diagnosed with depression in november 2020. i live with both my parents, however they are either at work or they isolate themselves because they are hard workers and they work better when they are alone. most of the time I am in my room either listening to music, playing video games or just messaging people. however just over a month ago, I have started getting paranoid about hearing things. i am deadly frightened of clowns for some weird reason i do not know why and i can sometimes hear clown laughs coming from downstairs, probably injected through my history on the internet. i know for a fact there is no clown in my house as my dads workspace at home is downstairs and he has never had claimed of hearing such stuff. i am also sometimes mistaking my heartbeats for footsteps, but when i hear real footsteps its hard to point out the difference. I am living in a nightmare in my own house, and I am terrified of these issues. any tips? my paranoia",Depression +23924,"My depression just does not feel valid because I am at fault for it every step of the way.I have quit multiple jobs. Every time I thought I was taking the much needed mental health break but in reality I just made things worse. I just give myself more time to get in my head and give myself something else to worry about. I distanced myself from my family. My mother moved away from where I live a few years ago and now I live completely alone. I chose not to go with her so I could avoid her constantly pressuring me to do things I do not want to do. Because I thought I was special and I though I could always make things work out the way I want. I have refused any sort of legitimate help like medication when I really had the chance to get it. I had health insurance and my mother was paying for my therapy and I got diagnosed with Bipolar Depression. Right when I was about to get medication I stopped going and lied to my mother the whole way, wasting her money, time, and hope for me.I do not know what the next step in my life is, its so hard to remain positive when I know Ill just fuck things up myself.I do not have anybody to go to so I am just going to put it out on here before I finally get the ambition to shoot myself. I caused my depression. And that just makes it worse.",Depression +23925,"we have all felt it. The heavy weight of depression preventing us from showering or even brushing our teeth.For those who manage to do it on a daily basis, any tips you can share? I found it hard to do these things and my health is deteriorating because of it. How do you force yourself to maintain good hygiene",Depression +23926,"How am I supposed to explicate something so deep in my brain and thoughts in another language?The solution is to be laconic and concise: I do not find a meaning to life and I do not want to have anything to do with it.I try so hard, really. I am studying to get into university, working out, eating healthy, trying to be useful to society by minding my own business and be kind.But it does not work. there is nothing. Nothing. I wake up every morning with the same question ""why am I doing this? what is forcing me to endure this for years and years?"" A future shitty job to the yoke of someone else that has no respect or care for my person, a potential partner that could never fulfill the intrinsic loneliness of a human being with the only goal to comply with the ""selfish gene"" and carry out our biological function. Then what, am I left to bet if my darwinian fitness is good?Funny enough, getting old and weak is the only thing that I accept. But the chapters in the middle of the novel scare me.I blame my parents every single day for being compliant with our nature, our essence. And I always ask myself ""what goes through the mind of someone that is experiencing what I am experiencing and decide to procreate nevertheless?"" I might be exaggerating but I assert, to the risk of irritating the majority of you, that every human that act like this is a criminal, no different from a thief or a killer.Sometimes I am tempted to stop taking my benzos cold turkey to see if a heart attack can solve my problems, but who knows . . .If you are still reading, sorry. there is no good ending to this convoluted show of words with probably horrible grammar . . . Best of luck to you, my friend. How do I deal with anhedonia and existential nihilism daily?",Suicidal +23927,I just want to feel wanted by someone I am tired of all this lonliness,Suicidal +23928,"Does anyone else find that when they are feeling really bad, thoughts of suicide take on an almost comforting tone? it is like a reminder that as bad as it gets, I always have that option. It honestly calms me down when I am feeling at my lowest. Comforting suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +23929,I am probably going to kill myself after work tomorrow night. I plan on using the extra antidepressants I have to do it. Might even pick up some extra strength Tylenol tomorrow for good measure. This moment has been a buildup over the last 3 years since my last attempt. I am not posting this for help. I have accepted my lot in life for some time now. 4 a.m. thoughts The state of my life,Suicidal +23930,"ContextIn 2018, my life was finally looking up. I had busted my ass and got my weight down to a good place, I was eating well, and I had finally found another job that was... well, sort of related to my industry of choice (graphic design, but I was working in a trophy shop). My boss verbally abused me, I quit within a month, I went back to junk food, I found another job at a t-shirt shop where I was paid to steal designs from Amazon (literally, my boss actually had me do this), got fired from that too, and the resulting trauma destroyed me. I could not even pick up a pen for a while to draw, I was so distraught. My weight ballooned, going from 168 to 250. I even tried killing myself for the second time.it is three years later. I busted ass, finally got out of the food delivery game (the only stable line of work I have known for about a decade), and worked my way up to being an HVAC apprentice after working in the warehouse for a year. Now I am out here and the job feels like it is going to hell. I do not see much of a future in this position, and this feels like 2018 all over again. I do not think I will survive this again. Yesterday I even formulated a plan if/when it all went down.it is not fair. I have busted my ass for the past year. I work out more, I sleep... better than I did (I am human), I have been doing all the usual self-care bullshit, and it is still not enough. I am going to die. I am going to die by my own fucking hand because I am going to lose this job that I worked so hard for. it is not fucking fair. I did everything I was supposed to. it is not fair",Suicidal +23931,"So I have been depressed for the past 2 years. I have visited a therapist and I am diagnosed with heavy depression. Yet doing therapy for about 1 year did not change nothing. I have also have neck pain when I turn my head in bigger than 90 degrees angles, since I was a child. I never would have thought that this kind of neck pain can be coorelated with depression. the link between those two is the vagus nerve. Basically if your vagus nerve does not behave like it should be, it can lead to depression/Anxiety and many other mental health problems. Now there is a way to treat the vagus nerve by doing an operation on it, I am no doctor or a person which knows how this exactly works but I have got hope that if I would treat my vagus nerve my depression could be gone. there is a link to a website that describes the treatment: Did anybody on this subreddit had this sort of treatment? Does it actually work? Because I would gladly now. A possibility to treat depression?",Depression +23932,Why does law require people to care if I am a threat to myself? Murder loses its sting when the motive is feeling terrible most of my life. I am suicidal not homicidal so who gives a fuck? do not pretend like my life is important then not even spare some LSD. (Title is a rhetorical question btw. do not explain the reasoning to me I do not care) Why does it matter if I am a threat to myself?,Suicidal +23933,Bit of background I am the eldest of 5 and my mother has some mental issues.It has just hit me today that I am the only one of the 5 that cares or even helps her at all. This has caused my depression from a few years ago to resurface ( I forgot what the doc called it but it is one of the hardest forms to notice due to constantly being up and down)Who the hell can I turn to when none if my family can even be bothered to lift a finger to help or cannot even take 5 min out of their day to ask how I am going? Who to turn to?,Depression +23934,"I do not want to talk to them. I mean, they do not want to talk to me. Most of the time they ignore me. they are not my friends. How could anyone who ignores you most of the time be your friend? So I choose to be alone. I am done.So why? Why do I keep thinking about them? Why cannot I let it go? I have tried to keep talking to them despite them ignoring me before. And you know what happened? I broke down. More than once. I do not want to go back to that. So why is my brain telling me to? it is not any better. They barely reply to my messages. When we actually converse I can never actually join in. I just sit there in silence, listening to others talk about people I do not know. I often leave calls without warning because I just cannot deal with it anymore. I spend 3 weeks without talking to them and they act like nothing happened.So I am done. No more friends. They all suck. Now I shall just be constantly alone. it is not like it is that much different than before. I am done",Depression +23935,to talk to my mom and inform her about my life and my problems and concerns.It was not as bad as I thought the call would be.BUTmentally I feel much relieved.I can really feel it.I think its time to start the life I want. I finally had the courage,Suicidal +23936,"This is a BIG achievement for me, last cake day I was on rock bottom, now I am still feeling like shit but better. it is my cake day and I have not killed myself!!!",Suicidal +23937,I cannot handle this I just cannot I do not know what to do at this point I dropped going to school forfew years now last every single friend I ever had my family never talks to me and know nothing about me I push everyone away I cannot handle being around people and dread going out I alway smile and make stupid jokes but as soon as I get back to my room I sit in the dark and put something on the tv most of the time something animated since its feels like a break from reality then just lay they all day and night feeling empty randomly crying I tried cutting my self and it did nothing but put scars over me I attempted a few times now and most of the times did nothing or just made me feel like shit I think I am going to end it all soon after I complete something off my bucket list I cannot handle this I have no one at all to talk to for the last few years or to even text I am only ever on my phone at this point to search something up but never more then an hour a day I am trying to get a job to save up money to do a few thing before I end it but have not been very motivated i see my self hating everything i liked before and feeling like even my own family seem like stranger i kept trying to tell my self it just because I am young and do not understand anything then that it was the drugs causing it but then i stopped doing them and nothing change i should be going into 11th grade but my parents not going to make me like that did not make me 7-10th I cannot even To recconect with old freinds since I moved and deleted there contact information any sorry for rumbling doubt anyone cares or read it just wanted to have something somewhere that proves that I existed I am getting left behind,Suicidal +23938,"I have been depressed, with suicidal ideation, since I was 11. I am currently at the worst I have ever been. I think, at this point, killing myself is inevitable. My daughter is nearly 2. I honestly feel like the best thing to do in this situation is to just get it over with now, so that she does not remember me, rather than devastating her 2, 5, 10 years from now. It would also mean she would not suffer through having a heavily depressed mum. I should not have had her, but she was conceived on contraception, after I would gone 2 years without a depressive episode and while pregnant I felt like me and my partner were in a good enough place emotionally and financially to give her a good life. I now feel like I was a stupid fucking idiot. Need an outside perspective",Suicidal +23939,"My life has pretty much been a downward spiral for 10 years now, ever since I permanently injured my right shoulder in gymnasium (European equivalent of high school).The injury is what started it all, but as time passed, my depression gradually grew into what it is today, in the beginning it was only negative thoughts about my injury, but as time passed and the negative thoughts got worse, they started seeping into every aspect of my life, until negative, downright self deprecating thoughts became the norm.I no longer feel like I am actually living my life, it feels like I am just going through the motions, most days I just feel numb and I cannot remember what it is like to wake up and be excited about the day ahead. But just to be clear, I have accepted that I do not have it in me to kill myself, but if I am going to continue living, I do not want to continue down the self destructive path I am on. As for the lying part. As of writing this, I am completely broke, on the verge of being kicked out of my apartment and I was kicked out of my university for inactivity 2 months ago and after having studied for 4 years, I am actually happy that I do not have to study anymore, since enrolling was just a thing I did, mainly to have a community to be a part of, but it did not help me and the stress of constantly studying, just added to it all.My family do not know any of this and I have been too scared to tell them all this, but now I have reached a point where I do not care anymore and am actually considering telling them about it all. Also because they keep asking me about my studies and my life in general and I just cannot keep lying about it anymore, I cannot keep track of the lies and it is tearing me apart, that this is what my life has become. I am mainly considering telling them, because I have come to the conclusion that I cannot get out of this myself and that I need help. No matter what plans I make to lessen the feeling of hopelessness they all amount to nothing, as the crushing hopelessness of it all, makes it hard must any energy to do anything but just drift along with whatever happens. I am considering just telling my parents about it all, so I do not have to lie about my life anymore.",Depression +23940,"I do not understand how in this day in age people still need to beg for help.I suffer with serious depression and anxiety as well as several other physical illnesses, I have reached out to my local services for the last 2 years but help is not there. It has now reached the point where I have 3 suicide attempts in the last month and guess what still nothing. Who now do I turn to ? I just find it very sad that our NHS is praised on how good a job they are doing when in really this is what is happening across the whole NHS board. Suicide rates are hitting all time highs and lockdown has has a major impact on these figures I understand this but how can they praise the NHS for saving so many lives in one way but ignore the lives they are losing in others ? Mental health a joke",Suicidal +23941,"Hi everyone, thanks for reading. My boyfriend has been depressed throughout his entire life. Some times are good,sometimes bad. Recently, times have been bad as we are nearing graduation and he feels a lot of pressure. Most of this pressure comes from fear of failing, time being short, not making enough money, and him being behind in his computer science career. Hes become pretty hopeless. He is an over thinker. He thinks about life and death a lot, and often questions the meaning of life. Idk the answer to anything. He recently finished therapy for his anxiety, and that has improved but his depression got worse. I try to be as patient, supportive, and understanding as I can. I have not really struggled with depression. But I am struggling with my own mental health recently because I am not used to thinking a lot of negative thoughts or things that I cannot answer. I love him and I want to be there for him. But I also want him and me to be happy. I know its not easy and I do not think it ever will be. I am just looking for some advice or encouragement on how to cope and stay strong, and understand the right things to say when he asks the big questions or feels down/overwhelmed. Thanks. My (22F) Boyfriend (22M) of 5 years is depressed.",Depression +23942,"I am failing school, I just got fired from my job at Walmart for making a bunch of stupid mistakes and being too slow, and I do not have any friends because I am too stupid, scared, and weird to talk to people. Every time I try and learn something I cannot understand. I cannot even understand basic mathematics or follow simple instructions. I do not have any common sense and I will never be able to handle any type of professional job. I hate speaking to people, working, studying, and doing anything remotely productive. I am just a stupid, ugly, and lazy person that deserves to die.I am 16 and I am not going anywhere in life. I officially give up on school, work, and everything else. I want to end my life, I am useless and I deserve death. I have access to guns so Ill just shoot myself whenever I am ready to die, which is soon. Am I too lazy and stupid for life?",Suicidal +23943,"I have no potential and no future, I am so tired of this suffering, god fuck it I am not even going to finish this post nothing matters. So many reasons to die, so few to live",Suicidal +23944,Is eanyone else experiening really bad memory loss? I can remember slim to none since ny depression started Memory loss,Depression +23945,"I am failing school, I just got fired from my job at Walmart for making a bunch of stupid mistakes and being too slow, and I do not have any friends because I am too stupid, scared, and weird to talk to people. Every time I try and learn something I cannot understand. I cannot even understand basic mathematics or follow simple instructions. I do not have any common sense and will never be able to handle any type of professional job. I hate speaking to people, working, studying, and doing anything remotely productive. I am just a stupid, ugly, and lazy person that deserves to die.I am 16 and I am not going anywhere in life. I officially give up on school, work, and everything else. I want to end my life I am useless and I deserve it. Am I too lazy and stupid for life?",Suicidal +23946,"I can barely force myself to get out of bed let alone get up early, eat healthty, go for a run/workout and then go to hell(work) i work 14pm-22pm and 6am-14pm every other week so the week i have to get up early I am just too tired to do anything after work and the week i work late i do not want to get up early becauze then ill be looking at the clock every second ""sigh, just 1,5 hours to work"" How do people get the energy to get up early go for a run/workout and eat healthy? How?",Depression +23947,I want to die I want to die,Suicidal +23948,"it is raining hard here and the frogs are out. One got in the house somehow so I scooped him up. He was a little dry, so I got him a little water to help him out. Not sure if he actually needed it, I suppose when it is not raining frogs are not gona be quite so wet. Anyways, I spent a few minutes going back and forth between holding him and trying to comfort him before letting him go and catching him when he hopped away. I imagine it is hard to be calm in the palm of a giant. Those few moments just felt so much more fulfilling than any time with most people. it is such a simple bond and it is not even reciprocated. But it does not need to be. The frog was probably terrified, how could anything not be in the play of a giant? But all I wanted was to calm it, help get it a little water. I felt bad putting it back outside, knowing the world is even more terrifying for it than it is for me, with predators and dangers. So easily this worry and true care for this frog came, where it comes so much more difficult with people. And it makes me think of the world. Of all the creatures out there struggling so hard just to survive, constantly in fear. it is silly I know to be this upset by a frog. But that simple bond made me realise how I really want a much simpler life. I am tired of working. I am tired of being around people. I do not get that connection with people, I never have. I just want to be free to enjoy those little connections without fear, without worry of going to work to make money or things like that. Without having to interact with people in these complex, almost overwhelming interactions that in the end, I do not know why I even bother with. I do not enjoy them, they bring nothing to me and I doubt they bring anything to anyone else. All this for a frog. Feel more connected to animals than people",Depression +23949,I cannot handle this I just cannot I do not know what to do at this point I dropped going to school forfew years now last every single friend I ever had my family never talks to me and know nothing about me I push everyone away I cannot handle being around people and dread going out I alway smile and make stupid jokes but as soon as I get back to my room I sit in the dark and put something on the tv most of the time something animated since its feels like a break from reality then just lay they all day and night feeling empty randomly crying I tried cutting my self and it did nothing but put scars over me I attempted a few times now and most of the times did nothing or just made me feel like shit I think I am going to end it all soon after I complete something off my bucket list I cannot handle this I have no one at all to talk to for the last few years or to even text I am only ever on my phone at this point to search something up but never more then an hour a day I am trying to get a job to save up money to do a few thing before I end it but have not been very motivated i see my self hating everything i liked before and feeling like even my own family seem like stranger i kept trying to tell my self it just because I am young and do not understand anything then that it was the drugs causing it but then i stopped doing them and nothing change i should be going into 11th grade but my parents not going to make me like that did not make me 7-10th I cannot even To recconect with old freinds since I moved and deleted there contact information any sorry for rumbling doubt anyone cares or read it just wanted to have something somewhere that proves that I existed I am fading away,Depression +23950,"Constantly trying to better myself and failing and realizing how stupid, incapable and inferior I am. Making bad decissions that seem like good decissions at first, but only because I am dumb. Constantly losing to everyone.Like I get it, the world needs people like me for others to feel like winners. But it is all just so humiliating. I know I am not supposed to see things as a competition but objectively speaking life at it is very core is nothing but a competition.Sadness, anger and derpression are just signs from my brain that I am losing the competition and I am losing it big time. I know what people will tell me. I just have to keep trying, my time will come blablabla. But I am so TIRED of trying. I am constantly stressed out so I cannot relax, I do not feel like eating. I just want it all to end. None of the good things that ever happend to me are worht what I am feeling now.But I know I am too much of a coward to actually end it. I am too attatched to this world for some reason. So like a bad trip I will just have to sit this out. I hope time goes as fast as everyone says Life is so humiliating",Suicidal +23951,I slept for 7 days without eating when I was 18 Rock bottom,Depression +23952,"I have honestly become too depressed to even concentrate, even without being drunk 24/7 or basically EVER, even after that I just cannot cope, I do not want to feel this shit anymore and I cannot even work for more than 5 minutes or watch TV etc I am on Prozac and that is just not helping either, I am getting therapy for anxiety and depression and its helping my anxiety but my depression just seems utterly immovable. Anyone have advice? (without drugs or alcohol ofcourse) Even after overcoming alcoholism its not any better",Depression +23953,"Thought Id been doing a little better but I was a half a second of impulse away from driving off the highway. I do not even feel like from afar I am that bad but the worst part is that it was just instinct when I saw this spot, I looked at it and my first thought was I could easily drive off the road there and no other cars would be involved. I am just ready for things to change and I am about to go into work again and I am sorry I got so close today",Suicidal +23954,idk how but I want to kill my self and never open up my eyes again My life has no purpose anymore I am depressed again I want to end my life,Suicidal +23955,"Every day I wake up wanting to die. Right now, my sister is terminally ill. I am here waiting for her to die. I do not know if its months or even years. I wish I could die from a massive pulmonary embolism while I am sleeping. I do not really want to kill myself. For a variety of reasons. But, I have a plan. I think it will work. I worry about my partner finding my body. Leaving my elderly parents childless. Who will feed my cat. And that is why I am here. But I do not want to keep feeling like this. Has anyone ever successfully recovered from this level of depression? How do people stop feeling like this?",Suicidal +23956,"I was in a horrible place since a few days. Felt so alone and helpless and today my school teacher told me he wishes to speak to my parents tomorrow. I do not know what it is related to, I am usually the kid who never gets any complaints from teachers. I just.. I know it sounds like the silliest fuckin reason but I cannot deal with this anymore.. I cannot.. I do not want this now.. just.. not now.I slit my wrist.. it just bled a lot..I did not die lol. Then had the worst fuckin breakdown ever.. so I decided to text my therapist asking if I can call him.. he said I can.. so I did and then he told me he cannot just take calls randomly like this.. he has other patients too and he is not free all the time for silly reasons and then got mad at ME because my parents did not buy the medicines he prescribed. I have fuckin successfully managed to annoy my THERAPIST. The one person who was supposed to help me.. wtf am I doing with life? So I tried to cut again.. but the pain from the last cut was so unbearable that I could not cut deep enough and now I am just.. in my room and I cannot stop crying.I just want this to end. I do not want to make it to tomorrow. Reached my breaking point.",Suicidal +23957,"I have been going to therapy for the past 2 years now. I have had 4 different psychologists and 2 psychiatrists in my life. I have had to take breaks every now and then because it just makes me angry all the time, even outside of therapy and there have been waiting periods when I have switched to a new therapist but for the most part I have been in therapy pretty consistently. And I have to say I just do not get it.I have already heard all the you are not letting it work, you are doing this to yourself kind of statements so Ill start by saying I have always tried my absolute hardest to keep an open mind and do the things they say no matter how ridiculous it sounds to me. But I just do not see how its supposed to help people at all. All I have been told to do over and over again is stupid, pointless things like journaling or meditation or mindfulness or breathing exercises and they just do not do anything. They do not make the suicidal thoughts go away, they do not help me out of a depression or make life more tolerable in anyway. I have had all the sessions where they try to unpack and explain the reasons behind some of the things I do and how its linked to specific trauma, but again, that knowledge does not help me at all. It does not fix anything to know where it came from, its not some Hollywood movie where having someone explain your past to you gives you some life changing breakthrough, it means nothing to me.I just do not see what its supposed to be doing for me and I am finding it really hard to believe that it would work for anyone that is not just completely lacking any kind of self-awareness or someone who actually liked talking about their problems as a form of processing them. The medication they give me has not done a fucking thing either.Its not even that therapy is not working for me, but I was hoping that by doing it for a while Id at least be able to understand how its *supposed* to help but I cannot make any sense of it at all. It honestly just feels like a scam to me more and more every time I go, like its just designed to take money from vulnerable people under the false pretence they can actually get better. I just do not understand.Maybe its just me though, maybe I am just broken I do not understand therapy at all",Depression +23958,"I cannot overcome the feeling that I am a bad person, that I am a huge mistake and that I do not deserve my GF.I know that its my self esteem partially but she is sometimes so disappointed too that I feel like I deserve to suffer because of all the pain I caused her.Most recently we had planned a date and I could not come because I messed up my schedule and forget an appointment with a docent of my university right at this time. I feel horrible. I feel like the worst person. And whenever I am in situations like this its so hard for me to calm down. I do not want to anything. I stay in bed, I am hungry but I do not want to eat. I have things to do but I do not have motivation. Do I need help? Whenever I disappoint my GF I just want to disappear from this world because everything would be better without me",Depression +23959,"there is so much that has happened and that is happening now and I am so scared. I am so tired of not feeling okay, of things not being okay but I have got no one to ask for help. I have got to rely on strangers more than I can my own family. it is like once they were gone I was cast aside and I should have seen it coming but it does not make it hurt any less. I am tired.",Depression +23960,"Let me just start by saying I am not going to kill myself, that being said I just do not see the point in me being alive anymore. I often think about death, but nothing along the lines of me ending my life, more so I am hoping something outside of my control does it for me so the blame is not put on me. it is been a rough year. I had a falling out with my parents and finally moved out but now I am struggling on my own and scared I am going to lose my house. I have missed a lot of time from work because of health issues and I am having a hard time getting a doctor to sign FMLA paperwork so I am on the brink of losing my job. My marriage has fallen apart and even though I want to try and fix it she does not. I have never really pictured myself having any sort of future until she came along, she is the first time in my life I actually pictured myself growing old, and out of everything that is happened to me, her leaving is hitting the hardest. I have noticed myself getting more angry and resentful everyday and I am scared of what it is leading to. I just do not see the point to life anymore, not when I am losing everything around me. he will even my own son does not like me that much, he would rather be with his mother. What do I do when I just do not want to live anymore",Depression +23961,"Posted in r/depression figured since I have had thoughts but never have gone through it maybe someone has a similar page form my book. Sorry for the long all over the place writing - not used to writing or trying to figure myself out. Found this group by google how I have been feeling for the longest time. Everyday I try to just sleep and stay in bed for as long as I can (way past 2pm) if I get up its for some mundane task or to take a shower. I have barely gone to work in the last few months using every excuse from Covid to just not feeling well/ lying about doing something else. I have all of the sudden just now look forward until around 6pm to justify drinking just to go to sleep and repeat it all over. Over the last few years I have exiled pretty much all of my friends by either just not contacting or making some lame excuse not to see anyone and some of the closest just blowing up on them for absolutely no just reason.. and if I do meet up with someone I feel like I am just glued to my phone and bored with that person - that urge that I do not want to be there or talk its tiring feeling. Its almost like I do not care anymore. I am still fairly young in my late 20s. I have seen a therapist but she is a bit older and I do not know I do not feel like being put on any pills etc - they were useless and just made me even more tired. How do you all force yourself out of bed and to do life? If that made sense? Do I create a schedule?Love to talk to someone that can relate. Sorry for the sporadic typing - this is my first time really writing and trying to understand myself. Which I do not think is possible.Edit: to add more its wild to me my mother lives in another country and was here in the US the last 3-5 months for cancer treatment. I did not really visit her or go out with her one time, she called me today to say she was going back to Europe and that she loved me. I grew in a good family with 2 very loving parents and a sister. We had no financial issues growing up almost like your prototypical American dream of a family. Edit 2: the only person I really talk to is my father, I probably call him 5-10 times a day - asking questions I can easily google and just creating mindless chatter. He understands I have issues? I dunno actually what his opinion of me is - tho he has always made a mention that I was too smart for my own good. If he were to pass I really would not know what to do. Edit 3: reflecting back I have also kind of seen my dad as a person that kept to himself with exception to marrying my mother for 29 years. But he was not at alcoholic - he actually never drank but I also do not remember him having that many friends. Could my condition be hereditary ? How to continue and be a person",Suicidal +23962,"I am 15 years old, and a friend of mine the same age that I have known since I was 6 years old had just face time called me, he was very drunk, taking shots on camera, this was maybe his 3rd time drunk I have never drunk, I think its wrong but I let people do their thing. We have this fun conversation, hes basically just giving me so many confessions, hes bisexual, he kissed a guy even though he has a girlfriend, listed a bunch of people from our school he finds attractive, Sure I am worried about him getting drunk, but the fact that it is not much then I do not mind so much. But i have known for a very long time that he suffered from ADHD and a bit of depression, never really saw it as any thing serious because I knew he was happy with a lot of struggles within, but while on this call He then comes to me and shows me his arm and its full of cuts, he was bragging about it sorta and said he has a kink of hurting hinself like putting a lighter on his finger tips, he said he would never hill himself because he has a girlfriend (his drunk self talking) but I am still worried about him, I am planning to give him a call in 2 days when he is sober and just talk to him about it and see if he needs my support in any way. And I just remembered his parents divorced recently so that might mean something idk, but I do what to do, can anyone here help me out? Friend cutting himself",Depression +23963,"I do not know what to do anymore. I know there are some people in my life who care about me but it does not feel like it... I have been giving up in my mind as I continue floating through life, getting myself into multiple different situations that get me nowhere, causing me more grief. I do not know why I am always looking for attention and love but I am. I just feel so empty without someone to constantly praise me and make me feel cared for. I feel like everyone has abandoned me emotionally. I am having such a hard time moving forward as an adult... finding a job, being successful, etc... I just do not have it in me right now. I need to be held and babied and told everything is going to be okay. I do not feel like a 22 year old woman... I feel like a scared little girl who needs to be protected and guided. I am so sick and tired of trying my best even though I do not know what the hell I am doing, and just being judged and criticized and told it is not enough. I am so heartbroken and lost. I do not want to keep fighting for this sad life anymore, I want to give into the dark temptation finally that sits in the back of my mind and drift off into blissful nothingness. I am not enough for anyone, everyone abandons me, I feel so empty and lonely.",Suicidal +23964,being alone is getting really hard just want to talk,Suicidal +23965,"will I die if i just do not tell them? i took like 3,000-4,000 mg of paracetamol which i know is low enough to od with but will i die feom liver failure if i just hold it in for a few days? ODed last night. will not tell my family",Suicidal +23966,"I had an appendicectomy a month or so ago and while I was under the anaesthetic it was complete nothingness and it was the most peaceful, calm moment of my life, I want to go back to that. Sleep does not give me the same peace because I get nightmares. Life feels like every day is just going through the same motions I might as well end it. I want peace.",Suicidal +23967,"I cannot stand this shitty life, I cannot accomplish anything, I have no friends and my family does not help me in anything pretty much I am all alone, I have depression all time high and anxiety, and no one takes me seriously when I tell them about suicide so I think I will just do it to let them go in pain I have to die it is the only way for peace",Suicidal +23968,I just want to be happy but I cannot. I need help Want to be happy,Depression +23969,"I keep hearing that you should not date if you have mental health issues. But common, I have had severe mental health issues for about 10 years now and I do not believe that they are going to go away any time soon. Am I supposed to stay single forever? Depressed people should stay single?",Depression +23970,think about something that is will not happened. I pucture myself in situations like a movie.I lost focusing in my exam or when I reding.I am struggling with that. I just close the door of my bedroom then put music on and start to escape to another world. The problem is I imagine that someone in real life watching in this imaginat situations.I read about the daydreaming and the dearelization and I cannot know the difference. what is the difference between daydreaming and dearelization?,Depression +23971,"I went to a therapist in november, I have been taking them from that time, but the therapy is about to end. My psychiatrist told me that I can lessen the daily amount slowly then leave it. The first days was horrible, the bad thoughts came back in my head, you worth nothing, you should hang yourself, nobody loves you, I started to hate people again and got annoyed by every little shitty thing. I recognized that even my body language changed back, I did not look in peoples eyes while talking, I curved my back, I started to scratch my arms etc. I am not sure that an 8 month cognitive therapy can change the last 10-15 years patterns built up in me. Is it possible that I have to take antidepressants for a life?",Depression +23972,"My mother called me a lazy, stupid, money grubbing wh*re because I would rather work 2 jobs than have her guilt trip me about paying so much for a language tutor. I have always been told I am spoiled and that I need to make money by my parents, so I want to work like they have told me too. For a moment I felt like I was changing for the better, I was growing into an adult, gaining good habits, etc. But she is still disappointed in me, and I feel like she wants me to be overworked, miserable, and malfunctioning. I was finally in a place where I was not thinking about suicide, but just 2 words sent all of that time of self-care down the drain. Now I feel like a psycho for protecting myself and standing up for wanting to make money to move out like she is been telling me. I feel so bad about wanting to value money more over my mother's approval, but her approval I feel us just not worth it and is a detriment to my well-being. I do not know what to do, I have been taught to not make her mad but also stand up for myself, but I only did one, and I feel like I am evil for standing up for myself, for not understanding what family means. My Mother is disappointed and it hurts",Depression +23973,"I am sure that people have been through much more than I am right now. However, this currently is about me and my not being able to handle the situation. I will try to list out my life, just because I want to share them with someone.I am a young guy, 26 years of age, in a dead end IT job. Over the last 2 years I have gained huge amount of weight and I feel like shit because of my body. The pandemic has been a tough time for me personally. I have not been able to handle the pandemic and have relapsed to alcohol and overeating.So below are the stressors of my life:1. Being a IT worker, I sit around all day, swamped with work. My work involves client interactions and while I try to be polite, today I just broke down. The job is the biggest stressor. I spend 12 hours a day working and interacting with very rude people. 2. I need to lose weight. I have connected with a personal diet coach. However, I am not able to follow through with the steps she wants me to take. I feel so disappointed with myself because of it.3. Being in this dead end job will be very harmful for my career. I need to study and change to a different portfolio within IT. I take interviews regularly. Yesterday, I was lined up for a dream job. I felt prepared after having spent many months reviewing and learning all of the required concepts. Sadly, I was rejected. 4. I have a decent salary but I have friends who do not respect money. Most of my money goes to bailing them out from their financial disasters. In the end I feel like I am losing money all the time. My own financial position is not something to be proud of. I have no money saved up for emergency or if I end up losing my job.I feel I have too much on my plate sometimes and I cannot do all of this at once. I have been failing to make progress on any of the problems for the past 2 years and I feel depressed due to this fact. Solution to all my problems is taking action but I cannot do what is needed",Depression +23974,">!tw: suicide, self-harm!<I am not even going to bother using a throw-away because I am very not okay right now. I feel like nothing I do in life has been or ever will be enough for anyone. I did not take my medication today (Effexor XR) and it is obviously fucking with me really bad. I need someone to validate me and make me feel cared about before I do something really stupid. I feel like I live just to please because I cannot bare to be by myself. I find being alone with myself agonizingly lonely and I cannot handle it. I am so exhausted every day just living with my parents at 22, no real dreams, nothing. I am always being abandoned and let down by the people I care about and I just cannot handle it anymore. I am so so sad. I think I am giving up",Depression +23975,"I am only happy when I am asleep. Not much going for me in life.. wasted potential. I am.supposed to be ""starting my life over"" right now but seems like the only jobs I would qualify for are barely livable. Any words of advice on how to make something of myself before I just throw in the towel? I have really had enough of this. Not enough sleep",Depression +23976,Sometimes death is the only thing that gives you peace. I think I am going to kill myself.,Suicidal +23977,"In fact, I will live. I have deleted many post here but I think this one I will keep this one around. there is no hiding it, depression will be a part of me until the day I die, but today is not that day. Fellow hollows, keep the good fight going even when hope is lost. Fuck depression and it is depressive abyss, there is is still some good we can bring to this world. I want to live",Depression +23978,"This is not for anyone specific just myself: Am I not enough? I mold myself to ur satisfaction and yet its not enough? I put you above myself so you can put me at the bottom of ur list. While I sit there and cry for you, you leave me crying on my own. You say I cannot express myself and yet when it comes to expressing myself I am shunned and ignored. I feel lonely, I am. What a luxury I have, this is not easily attainable yet here I am doing it perfectly on my own. I would sell myself to you if it meant I would receive an ounce of love. Love me please before I go so I have something sweet to remember. Fake or not it will be real to me, please love me for I want to go with an ounce of happiness. Love me. Love me. Love me I beg you. Please just love me",Depression +23979,"Pretty much as the title says, I do not want to live alone. I am dependent on my boyfriend on many things. I cannot picture myself alone without him. I told him that today and it freaked him out. I am already a depressive person. I do not know if I am thrilled to live the rest is my life alone I just told my boyfriend when he dies, I will follow him.",Depression +23980,Found this group by google how I have been feeling for the longest time. Everyday I try to just sleep and stay in bed for as long as I can (way past 2pm) if I get up its for some mundane task or to take a shower. I have barely gone to work in the last few months using every excuse from Covid to just not feeling well/ lying about doing something else. I have all of the sudden just now look forward until around 6pm to justify drinking just to go to sleep and repeat it all over. Over the last few years I have exiled pretty much all of my friends by either just not contacting or making some lame excuse not to see anyone and some of the closest just blowing up on them for absolutely no just reason.. and if I do meet up with someone I feel like I am just glued to my phone and bored with that person - that urge that I do not want to be there or talk its tiring feeling. Its almost like I do not care anymore. I am still fairly young in my late 20s. I have seen a therapist but she is a bit older and I do not know I do not feel like being put on any pills etc - they were useless and just made me even more tired. How do you all force yourself out of bed and to do life? If that made sense? Do I create a schedule?Love to talk to someone that can relate. Sorry for the sporadic typing - this is my first time really writing and trying to understand myself. Which I do not think is possible. Unmotivated and just wasting my days and life.,Depression +23981,"Yea, well. Here it is. I look at my life up until this point and really dwell on how many things I have been keeping to myself in mystical awe as to how I even manage to do it without driving myself crazy.I feel weird laying in bed tonight. it is 3 AM and I have work at 7 AM. Promised my girlfriend I would work out with her at 4 PM. I hope that still works out considering it is a promise, and I have not worked out in years and am just now mustering up the courage. I want to preface that this post at times may feel it is losing its direction. Sorry about that, I am writing what comes to my head. As I was saying, I feel weird laying here tonight. My mind has a lot of thoughts going through it. Mainly the sense of confusion as to what is wrong with me. Right now I feel like there is a long line in front of me (figuratively). Each thing in line is a different emotion. I am the receptionist at the front of the line, and on most days I would deal with each emotion one at a time. These emotions do not ever seem to have a regular pattern. They can be constantly changing from feelings of sadness to intense anger (internalized), happiness (not too frequent with this one), anxiousness, melancholy, and (what I see the most) a dissatisfying meh that says everything feels fine today, I am still moving along to the extent I can and not thinking about my true inner troubles.BUT tonight, I am not dealing with the line. I am just letting it build up and having the front customer ring the bell over and over for my attention. I am looking at this line with a feeling of confusion and unfamiliarity as if I never dealt with it before. I have all of the emotions stacked up and I cannot seem to be able to process them. I feel everything but nothing at the same time, it is white overwhelming but not at the same time. It sucks it took that long to explain how I feel currently, and the silly part is that I do not feel satisfied from that explanation alone. I notice that for a while I have been unable to trust MY ability, the inky real primary source of myself, to tell someone how I am feeling. Because I am never sure myself. I am never familiar with how I am day today or will be tomorrow. Maybe I am just overthinking all of this or maybe I am not. How am I able to tell someone how I am feeling if I cannot understand or validate my initial thoughts. I know I will probably wake up tomorrow and look at this and brush it off as a bunch of rubbisH, then push it to the back of my head for it all to come back again. FYI I am writing this completely sober. Where will I find my zen? I know that sounds cheesy, but for real, when and how will I find my inner self-understanding. I look at like with different mindsets, and they switch up every day or week without my notice. I just recently got a screen for depression, and for one I did not answer some of the questions honestly because I was too nervous too. But also these questions were driving me crazy, I could not tell how to answer any of them. If I answered them a second time the day after, I would have given different answers. That day I walked out of the doctor's office feeling self-critical and angry about this. I wonder if my mindsets change too much. Maybe my personality is too malleable? I understand that people change, but my view of how I view myself and the environment around me changes a bit drastically sometimes.I obsess over dumb shit. Waist too much time revisiting and spending extended periods of time pondering on them. Lately, I have been very concerned by the possible idea that I may be bipolar or something. I feel so stupid for even typing that out, but that is the truth as to how I have been thinking. I probably am not, and I just overthink everything. But it roots from my desperate want to understand my emotions. Recently, I had a day (i do not remember why) where I felt very very very low and sad. I have not had this feeling in a long time. I physically felt slow. I mentally felt unable to comprehend the external environment. I felt too lost in my head. The world around me shut off, but I was still going on autopilot. I was so sad, I felt numb. This was a build-up to this low from the past couple of days before. I was having some really dark thoughts I do not want to talk about. But the next day I felt so up, to the point I had a euphoric feeling in my body for part of it. Now I feel like I am starting to level out again. That day admittedly, I had a really fun day doing activities, so maybe it was that. But what throws me off is how I went from SO SO LOw (like you have to take my work for it) to SO SO. high.I could go on more and more, but my fingers would fall off from the typing, and I am starting to get tired. I hope this post stays up. I guess all I am asking for is someone to listen. Even if you do not respond to this, thank you for taking the time to hear my rambling. I am sorry if this feels like a shit post, I do not expect everyone reading this to understand or relate, I just do not know how else to convey my accumulating thoughts. I want to just unplug the drain a bit somewhere and for now, this feels like it helps a bit. Venting is great. A drain that I never feel I have the time to unplug.",Depression +23982,"Okay, so to start off, I am a pretty depressed individual. Been mildly suicidal for many years and would rather be dead than live my life. I am aware that I have made my own mistakes in life.&#x200B;The root of my depression lies in the fact that I have a terminally ill dad. I also had severe cystic acne which left a ton of scars on my face, so you can guess how my social life is. Before my cystic acne, I was actually an outgoing and friendly individual, but then after the horrible 10+ years of cystic acne and now their scars, I have become an introverted jerk that does not even like people looking at him.&#x200B;To top it all off, I was studying for jobs before the pandemic began, and now because of that, the exams have all been thrown off schedule for an entire year, and my prep has gone to shit. So I am also jobless.&#x200B;Oh and yes, the aforementioned terminal illness that my father has? I also might possibly have it in the future because I took some tests and I have the factors within me.&#x200B;So currently, since my dad is also off his job because of the illness, and I am jobless, my mom is the sole bread winner of our family. This alone puts so much of stress on me. Most days, I feel like I cannot do shit because of the depression. I feel like all my efforts are in vain.&#x200B;So you can see that I am not exactly a happy person. But all the reasons mentioned above are not why I have come to rant in here. No, that reason is my grandma.&#x200B;I have three grandmas. Sisters. The oldest of them(the current grandma in question), is just that, old. So she is kind of senile. She also cannot hear a thing(we have to literally shout in her ear to tell her something), and she forgets most of everything after some time. I do not even talk with her, I just nod or shake my head when she asks me something because she cannot hear a thing.&#x200B;So first off, she cannot hear a thing, and then when she does hear a thing, she forgets it after a few minutes. So you can see how frustrating it is already, right? Now, she is also convinced that her own sisters(the other two) are thieves, so she is constantly cursing them when she is alone in her room. And since I am at home the whole day, I constantly hear her cursing. This constant cursing just gives me SO much stress.&#x200B;She also has the pains that every old person gets, you know, in the joints, etc. She has intense pain in her left eye socket, for which btw we have taken her to several doctors and tho they have given us vitamins and whatnot, they have said that pain is mostly psychological. Gran ofcourse, does not know any of this, so she constantly asks for medicine, constantly complains of the pain, constantly calls me again and again and again, either to ask for some medicine(which I have given her like ten minutes ago) or to tell me to call a doctor, or to complain how her legs or her eyes are paining.&#x200B;At first, yes, it is pitiful and you feel sad when an old person complains of such pain, right? You do what you can to make that pain go away. But when this thing goes on for months and months and months. When you hear her constantly complaining, constantly cursing, constantly calling your name..... How do you think it feels?&#x200B;Like absolute hell. that is what. And I love her. she is like a second mom to me, she practically raised. So I am in such a dilemma. I feel guilty the whole day because she asks for medicine, but when I say no(because she is already taken them) she starts cursing me too. Calling me selfish, etc. it is makes my blood boil,because I have my own depression killing me on the inside and then there is her on the outside. I sometimes feel like slapping her, because her curses are so nasty. Imagine loving someone but also feeling so angry that you just want to punch them in the face. What moral dilemma that puts you into. How guilty that makes you feel. And since I cannot go out because of my social insecurity thanks to a face full of horrible acne scars, I am at home all day. And she keeps calling only me. Even if my whole family is there, she only calls me. Over and over and over. To repeat the same question(""Did I take my medicine?""). I know it is not her fault. That she cannot control it. But that even worse you know. Because you can even blame them and yet they make you want to kill yourself. So please, any advice? What am I supposed to do? I feel like a jerk all day. Like I am a nasty person.....&#x200B;And what is more, because of dad's illness, he is also frustrated, right, and so he also behaves like a jerk towards everyone(always angry, short tempered, thinks only he is correct, etc) so voila! Another person who is angry at me and insults me all the time but I cannot do anything because he is sick. I have to understand.&#x200B;But who the fuck is going to understand me? Who the fuck is going to understand that I also have depression? That I also feel angry. Whenever I show my anger, the other members of my family guilt me by saying that I am supposed to understand, that those others that I am angry at, are sick, etc. I just wish I would never been born tbh. That I never existed. Then I would not have had to face all these shitty situations. I never even asked to exist. To be born.&#x200B;So please any input is appreciated. Thank you. Some advice please. Because I am seriously losing itvhere",Depression +23983,"Basically, the title. Whenever my friends are going through a tough time I am able to encourage them and help them get back on their feet, but when it comes time to take my own advice and encouragement (which is pretty much always, I have had chronic depression for over ten years now) I fail to. I always end up doing g the same things, hiding away in my room, staying up for days on end, never eating, and despite knowing that this just makes it worse, I continue to do so. It feels like an inescapable cycle of melancholy that eternally shreds my desire to live. I am just in cycles of existential despair and total apathy for my future. I can encourage others but not myself",Depression +23984,keep hanging on for people that all exit my life in the end anyway. and like an idiot i keep bringing new people in on my misery. i need to perform this final favor to myself and the people i burden. just want to get it over with already,Suicidal +23985,"I only have one friend and I text her about my day like we used to but its not the same. We just talked about it and she confirmed it. And it hurts because I literally just have her I have tried to connect with other people and no one wants to know me. Hahaha that hurts so bad but what can I do I have tried and yet something about me just does not click with people. I always put myself out there and it hurts to see that no one even cares. I knew that I was lonely but fuckkkkk I really am. Guess that is why I end up looking for attention and do anything to get it because it makes me feel less lonely. I have put myself through shit and it literally did not even make the person stay how embarrassing and sad. I have just been through this every step of the way knowing I am going to be lonely through it and I wish I could split myself and give myself a hug. I would just hold myself because no one has ever done that for me, listen to myself and like I said hug myself. Why cannot I have one single person imagine what I am going through, guess I am just not worth it. And to make things worse my mom totally ignores me and what I am going through so I literally have no one, I guess well just see where this ends up. I hope that is it. I am literally so lonely idk why it hit so hard today",Depression +23986,"I do not want to be alive anymore. I do not want to be in this world anymore. I had what can only be described as a mental breakdown during the first few months of the lockdown, and I had to leave my housemates and return to my parents' house where I have been living ever since. My friends have now all but deserted me; I tried to tell my closest friend how severe my depression is at the moment, but she just replied with ""I will get back to you about this when I am less busy"". I am not surprised my friends have had enough to be honest. I have never been able to keep a friend for longer than a few years in my entire life - they all leave in the end. I am also studying for my PhD, but I have not been able to do any research for that since November. NOVEMBER. I have an important deadline of December this year, and there is no way I will be able to pull myself together to produce work of my normal standard. So, I have failed that too. I am just really fucking done. The antidepressants and the therapy have not touched it. I am still trapped in the prison of my own dark brain. Alas, as the post suggests: the only reason I am still here is because I am scared of death and what might or might not come after it. that is it. If I can conquer that then perhaps I will be able to finally free myself of this endless cycle of torture. I just want peace. My current reasons for living: I am scared of death",Suicidal +23987,"do not even know how long I have been depressed anymore, days are blurring together and I can barely manage 4 hours of sleep most nights. do not even know what being happy feels like anymore. cannot even describe how I feel anymore.",Depression +23988,Something new bad happens daily . I get horrible news or something bad happens and its a repetitive cycle. I just do not want to do this anymore. Why does it feel like my life is a domino effect of negative events ?,Depression +23989,"I am in Texas as well, so I am pretty sure I could walk in and all I would need to show them is my driver's license to buy it. Thanks, Texas gun laws. I think I am going to go buy a gun sometime next week",Suicidal +23990,I am just scared about the possibility of what might come after death and if I would be punished for killing myself. I am also afraid of the pain during suicide. I want a death that is as painless and fearless as possible. In So Much Pain. Feel The Need To Be Released From This Pain,Suicidal +23991,"I wish i could get better but i feel like I am getting worse and i feel like giving up. No matter what i do, it will never go away",Suicidal +23992,"Does anyone else feel this way when planning it? That its almost like an order rather than something you actively want. And the order cannot be disobeyed Its not even really that I want to, its that I HAVE to",Suicidal +23993,"17 nbThe handful of people I can talk to I feel like I am pushing myself away from them, and whenever they say its okay for me to talk with them, its short responses since they are always so damn focused on each other And one who I am closest to happens to be my crush and she knows but just does not confront me about knowing and I am not gutsy enough to just tell her cuz I know she is going to date this other dude soonPeople tell me to just talk with her but it makes me so painfully scared because it would not do anything to confess to someone who is not attracted to female presenting people anyways Besides the constant anxiety I do not feel much excitement and part of me wants to start the convo so at least I can get a bit of relief but I do not even know how to say I have a crush on you but I want to stay friends and pretend I never said this without losing my best friend :/ My friends all care and I am grateful but I just wish something could push me or tell me what to do- ideally she would confront me gently over text or something and just help me not feel so awfulI want to not like people who would not like me back since it just creates dumb unreciprocated emotions that will take forever to heal fromLike I am either numb, pissed, or just straight anxious and having a panic attack and there is rarely any real happiness and I do not know how much longer I cannot stand this without someone finally breaking through this funk I have been in for so longIve finally started to understand over the last year why people sh- just feeling something besides mental pain would be a blessing at this point Thank you to whoever read this far and I appreciate your time and hope you have a wonderful day <3 At a crossroads",Suicidal +23994,"Not sure how. Might jump off of a bridge onto the highway, might jump at work. I do not want to fucking live anymore. I have wanted to die for so fucking long, it feels like the only thing I have ever really wanted. I am probably not going to actually do it because I am a bitch, but hopefully I will find the courage to finally kill myself. I do not really have a reason, if anything my life's basically perfect, but I have always wanted to kill myself and I always will, so I might as well get it over with now before it ruins my life and the lives of those around me. Hopefully killing myself today",Suicidal +23995,I was never whole. I am fucking done. I am already fucking dead. I have been dead for years and you cannot fukcing wait until i destroy my body and release my soul. I am sure god willnhave a good laugh. Life is a cruel fucking joke.,Suicidal +23996,"i cannot get a good breath its like my own mind is drowning me or maybe I have fallen so fucking far down this endless void I am running out of oxygen, maybe ill just die like that, get old enough to have a heart attack and die from it from the stress of living with this, i cannot end it. that is the thing its mental claustrophobia, i cannot for the life of me get out. i just want to get out and be happy again. if there is no way out, and if I am just going to continue falling, the spikes attached to the walls that are caving in digging into my skin while i continue to fall, why should not i just end my life instead of dealing with this excruciating pain? I am not cut out for this life. id like a new one. why me? why ME? I am struggling",Depression +23997,Its so boring. there is literally nothing to do in this world but work and it is miserable and insufferable. Nobody can help you and you are all alone. Nothing matters but making it money and it is fucking sad. And for those of us who cannot get relationships and have friends it lonely as hell knowing nothing fucking matters anymore but money. Hobbies become boring knowing you have to work or work the next day because what is the fucking point anymore when work takes your soul. Unless you can find a job that does not make you suicidal you are so fucking screwed and you really have no choice but to despair or kill yourself. Do adults even actually enjoy life?,Suicidal +23998,I do not want to love or be loved for fear of hurting others. I do not want to socialize for a similar reason. I do not want to face the future for fear of hurting more people. And I cannot live with my past and my mistakes knowing I have probably hurt people. I just want to isolate myself where I cannot hurt people or be a burden anymore and just die completely alone. I do not want to hurt anyone,Suicidal +23999,"Took a bunch of pills couple of days ago but it did not work. I have been drinking for a week straight, never did that. I just want to sedate myself. I do not know what to do anymore. My best friend is very cold to me and other friends notice it too. I texted my ex, which was stupid, I know. But I told him how bad I felt and he did not respond and just blocked me. Which is fucking mean. I know I am not his 'responsibility' anymore but from human to human he could have responded. But he proved once again that he is a prick. I hate people. I hate the world. I have a couple of friends who are there for me but I still feel empty and hopeless. I am in therapy for a while now and have tried multiple medications but it only seems to get worse and I just do not want to be here anymore. I cannot see how I am going to get better. Still want to die",Depression +24000,Honestly I have been depressed for about 10 years! I hate my life,Depression +24001,"i feel like God looks at my life as a joke. these past few years have been nothing but heartbreak, abortions, betrayal, sexual assault, rape, and i could not handle my emotions anymore after i decided to become sober. i have no job now, my partner chose someone else over me, my cat died recently. I am left so broken and i cannot do this anymore I am done",Suicidal +24002,Surrounded by nothingI wish it was easier to take my life bc it would be better than living an meaningless existencecant sleep I am just stuck here,Depression +24003,I just wish I had a girlfriend I am too ugly for dating apps and I am scared to approach women to talk to them idk what to do I just want to stop feeling lonely I wish I could stop feeling so lonely all the time,Suicidal +24004,"Last time I was suicidal (before this time), I told myself that maybe there was someone out there who needed me. Maybe the challenges I have faced have uniquely prepared me to understand some special person. They would understand me too and we could find strength in each other. And I thought about how tragic it would be if that person killed themselves before we could make that connection. Maybe we could have had a serendipitous meeting the very next day. Its possible.As of now, I have no one to talk to. After a lifetime of being immediately shut down on the few occasions I tried to open up about how I felt, I finally have people in my life who recognize I have an actual health condition. I have a few people who want to help. Counselors and random people also seem eager to help. But they do not seem to get it. Some people seem to view me as a fragile, weak little creature they think needs to be coddled. I absolutely hate this because they have no idea about the monsters I have faced. They have no idea how hard, and how long I have fought alone in the darkness. Pushing forward through the terror with only the weakest flicker of hope to sustain me. Some people offer pity, but others think they have solutions. Like I have not already tried all that. I work out consistently. Even though I am exhausted. I have learned how to weather the hurricane of my emotions. I learned to assert myself and cut out toxic influences. I have learned how to get things done despite the heaviness. But I cannot force myself to find meaning or satisfaction in my life. I tried. I moved across the country alone several times, tried new lines of work, fresh settings. I got rid of everything and went backpacking through Mexico for 6 months. I have spent extended periods of time travelling in other countries, or backpacking through the wilderness all over the United States. I have tried to open up to people. All this in attempt to see something meaningful or worthwhile in this life. Meaning was elusive so I tried very hard to create my own. For a couple years I convinced myself Id successfully created one. My purpose was to develop a deeper understanding of nature through the study of science. Now, having just completed my degree, I am again lost for a purpose. I could create another big long-term goal, I guess. But its so exhausting to work so hard for a goal when I also have to work so hard to have a goal to begin with. When I have to work so hard to make myself care about anything. Every day is a chore. I work so hard and force myself to do things just to keep my body alive, or in the futile attempt to balance my brain. I feel like I was meant to die years ago, but death somehow forgot me. Its like I missed my stop, now I am riding a train to nowhere to the end of the line. And there is not even a view because it is night and outside there is only darkness. Maybe it would not be so bad if I found someone else on this same train. I allow myself to entertain the thought, but I have waited long enough. I have dragged this out long enough. I am ready as I will ever be. Alone on a train to nowhere",Suicidal +24005,"I have heard a lot over the years about people who have killed themselves while seemingly doing better. For example, ill use myself. I had a crash and burn in my life recently regarding losing my job because of my drug use, as has happened in the past, a really good job too mind you. And its only compounded my already existing problems with depression and daily suicidal ideation. However recently I have landed 2 jobs, one of which was a job I really wanted, so you would think I would be all smiles and optimism. And Id be lying if I said I was not somewhat happier/more optimistic. But that is kind of exactly the point, I feel like I want to end my life right now as I sit here, while being on top. Which let us be honest, my on top right now is still a molehill. I wanted to be on top of a mountain at this point in my life, or at least on my way to it. Instead, in the swamp I wallow, not even possessing the desire to get out, unless you would count suicide as a way out. Its still leagues further away than what I have wanted to accomplish with my life. So much guilt at myself over wasted years and opportunities. Never joined the military. Followed my pipe dreams of being a musician over everything else, and here I am. I take tremendous pleasure in discouraging people from their dreams, as I have had done to myself. Anyway; TLDR: Even though I understood it before, I finally know how it feels to have your shitty luck/personal decisions make a turn for the better, and still want to kill yourself, if anything even more so, so you can go out while feeling somewhat happy and satisfied instead of bawling your eyes out, drunk as fuck with a gun in your mouth. I am not going to off myself right now, but Id still really like to. Feel free to disregard this post, I am not actively threatening death and that is more than can be said for most posts on this sub, so its more of an open journal entry than anything. Later. The whole thing about going out while on top",Suicidal +24006,is vertical or horizontal. which one works better best way to cut,Suicidal +24007,"i have trouble expressing how i feel so this might be a little confusing but I am 17 and I am tired. tired of my own existence, tired of living, tired of feeling the way that i do, its like a feeling that i cannot describe but it just will not go away no matter what, everyday just seems to get worse. seriously like does it ever get better? About 2 years ago i was the type to look forward to the future, the one who dreamed of going to college and doing great things in life, now its the exact opposite. I do not see a future anymore, i barely graduated high school, i do not even want to do anything, i do not want to wake up tomorrow i do not want to continue living. i do not want to go to work i do not want to go to college anymore i do not want to be here anymore. The feeling i talk about gets me so irritated because it just will not go away and it bothers me more that i cannot seem to explain how it feels. i feel empty and just idk I do not even know why I am here in the world, i do not see my purpose here, i do not know who i am nor do i see myself making a change or leaving a mark on the world. Why me, why did i have to come into the world, i feel like everything would just be so much better if i left. i would no longer carry this feeling around. I cannot even talk to my family about this because they have a tendency of invalidating my feelings and making me feel like I am crazy for feeling the way i do. i just wish this feeling went away. the feeling that will not seem to go away.",Suicidal +24008,As soon as I feel comfortable with life I get sent down another rabbit hole of existential dread. I feel dumb. For thinking there is anything after death. For being hopeful. Because nobody else cares. Its like I am filled with some new emptiness that instead of escaping I just want to sit and live through it. Its not the normal depression. I hope this is all just going to go away soon because I have had really bad lows before. What am I even going on about? I just do not understand what is happening to me and I want to fix it before It gets worse. Confused,Depression +24009,"My little brother has been and will always be my world. He grew up privileged with two loving parents who did everything for him. I grew up with the same parents. My mom and I no longer get along, but we used to be very close. My dad was emotional, verbally and physically abusive towards me all throughout my teen years. My brother told me I should not talk about it to people because it tarnished my parents name. That they took care of me, fed me, clothes me, took me on vacation. While I recognize my father feels guilty for how he treated me, he has NEVER apologized, and has not made any effort to be in my life. I do not see why I need to protect someone who never really protected me. I feel like once again I am being considered as overemotional and that my feelings, pain or my experience is not valid. Yes my father is not the same person, but that does not change my nightmares about him, nor my PTSD. Today is the first night in a while I felt worthless And did not want to fight any longer. I have my loving husband in my corner, but that is it. I love so deeply. Why cannot others love me.I will not do it, but I really just want to end this. I have lost so many people I have loved more than myself or anyone. I am so lucky to have my husband and if it were not for him I would not even have a second thought, but I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely. I hate myself. The only person besides my husband also thinks poorly of me. I hold his opinion almost to the same regard as my husband. I am so hurt. I cannot do this anymore. Why. Just why. Why.",Suicidal +24010,"Of everything. Of myself. Of my disappointments. Over the countless times I have tried to beat this and ended up in the same place. I am sick of myself, and the countless people close to me that I have neglected. And the relationships that i ruined because of the way i am. And the broken promises i made. I miss my mom. I miss my friends. And I miss the person i used to be. I am fucking drained",Depression +24011,"no matter what I do my wife thinks I am cheating on her. I travel for work, so I can cheat. I work in town because it is easier to cheat. I leave to cool off after a fight and it is to go cheat. An X contacted me about a computer issue and again to share a news article about some Politian. Maybe I should have ignored them, but at no point did I think about cheating on my wife with my X. But she is convinced otherwise. I have never cheated on her or any other relationship in my life. EVER! But her X cheated on her so I must be doing it too. I have given up my regular job, my friends, my band, and members of my family. it is not enough. Social media deletion has been an ongoing demand that she is currently winning. 700+ friends gone from Facebook, Twitter is deleted and I am sure others are coming.Constant reviews of my phone is now a thing. Text, call logs, voicemail, app usage. what have you. But I must deleted everything before she looks because NOT doing anything adulterous is not an option. Now she is expecting a baby as it seems that her tubal ligation has repaired itself after eleven years. She informed me that she has left and will not come back to me and out house. Hiding herself and unborn child from me. I told her goodbye tonight and that she will not have to worry about seeing me again or interfering with the life of our child. Is accused me of cheating. I have the phone called recorded because it literally feels she does not care. &#x200B;I am not here asking for help, just documenting my plan and to answer the question: WHY!I am also aware that plenty will point out that is she claims I am cheating without proof she is probably the one cheating. Maybe yes, maybe no. I know I would rather die than for that to be true. what other option do I have?",Suicidal +24012,"My little brother has been and will always be my world. He grew up privileged with two loving parents who did everything for him. I grew up with the same parents. My mom and I no longer get along, but we used to be very close. My dad was emotional, verbally and physically abusive towards me all throughout my teen years. My brother told me I should not talk about it to people because it tarnished my parents name. That they took care of me, fed me, clothes me, took me on vacation. While I recognize my father feels guilty for how he treated me, he has NEVER apologized, and has not made any effort to be in my life. I do not see why I need to protect someone who never really protected me. I feel like once again I am being considered as overemotional and that my feelings, pain or my experience is not valid. Yes my father is not the same person, but that does not change my nightmares about him, nor my PTSD. Today is the first night in a while I felt worthless And did not want to fight any longer. I have my loving husband in my corner, but that is it. I love so deeply. Why cannot others love me. One person I never expected",Depression +24013,"I want to die, but have children who depend on me. I daydream about it and the thoughts keep me up at night. I do not want to discover what kind of bad shit life has waiting for me, but I guess I will have to find out. Add it to the running list of crap.However, I keep pushing myself everyday to fight this uphill battle. it is hell. Maybe one day I will get lucky and can finally escape through death. I hate existing in general. If it would not hurt my kids so much, I would commit suicide. I am resentful of how hard I have to work at staying alive, doing right by my kids, and hiding how I really feel. Death would truly be a luxury assuming whatever comes after this life is better. Probably is not. Dying is a luxury",Suicidal +24014,"I am going to start with some background information before asking my question. I used to be super close with someone in my family (and I mean tell them things I have never ever even thought of telling anyone before) but a couple months ago that came to an end after a bit of a *situation*. Our parents decided we needed to stop talking cold turkey so we did. They moved on after a week and I have just relapsed into everything and my depression has just come trickling back. Every time I see them, I tear up and just break again and its a whole mess. they are totally over it though to the point where they do not even say hi to me anymore (which really hurts btw). Now, onto the questions.....1) Before this, I have always been able to shut down my emotions and move on. I have never had such a complete mental health breakdown and do not know what to do. I tried opening up to a parent and they minimized the situation and made me feel hella invalid. How do I move on from this? How long is this going to take... its been over two months?2) This question has been plaguing me for the last week. How do I keep a straight face and act happy around my family? I have to attend a birthday dinner and I know the friend I mentioned will be there. I also know seeing them is going to make me want to break down and cry because it has consistently done so for the last couple of months. I have always been a happy and bubbly person in front of my family and friends but the facade just does not work anymore when they are there. Someone please tell me how to control this.Quick note: sorry if I sound immature or sappy or anything. It disgusts me too I just do not know where else I could ask all this. Need help figuring out how to hide my emotions at a family dinner...",Depression +24015,"I have a few friends, and they are great friends I literally do not even think Id be here without them, but I find it so difficult to find meaningful relationships anywhere and it sucks because I crave it. I live in a small town and I just feel like no one takes me seriously. I want to get out of here so bad but I cannot seem to pull myself away from here. I have been doing really good with my depression for a while but I got kicked out recently and I have been couch hopping for awhile and I just hate feeling like everyone just sees me as this bummy drunk guy that drinks all the time. I am a big black guy and I feel like that is all anyone sees when they meet me and I am not even a normal person let alone a normal black dude. I just have a real fear Ill never truly be love or even understood for that matter. God I sound cringey I am sorry. I do not get what is so off about me",Depression +24016,I am having a really really bad day and week cam someone talk to me please ? Please help,Depression +24017,"I miss the times where i could just sit down and do nothing. Now i cannot. I feel so agitated. I can do nothing, NOTHING. I just keep walking around like a zombie. Fcking psychiatric hospital. Makes shit only worse. I cannot keep calm",Suicidal +24018,"I miss those warm summer evenings as a child when I would sit and listen to the crickets, a lifetime of endless possibilities stretched before me. I miss the comfort of my family before I knew how deeply toxicity and substance abuse has plagued them. I miss the days when I loved myself and was not angry at who Id grown to be. I miss the hope I once had that was all too quickly snuffed out as a young teen. I miss feeling whole. Now I am 20 and a burnout. I find no joy, no peace. I simply drift. I want to kill myself, but I wonder if I ever would find peace on the other side or just become reincarnated to live another pointless existence. I guess none of it matters anyways. Lifes a bitch and then you die. I miss when I was not, or at least did not know, that I am broken.",Depression +24019,Is there a thred for suport. None of my family Will pick up. Idk if I am ok or not Help me please,Suicidal +24020,"No, I do not matter to anyone. No one will even notice I am gone. Is there really any reason not to kill myself?",Depression +24021,"but he is not coming back. he wants nothing to do with me. he left me on purpose. i was not enough. that is enough to make me want to die. even here, on this hospital bed. i want my baby back, or i want to die. i want my baby back.",Suicidal +24022,"its late, its been a difficult few months and i just need someone to talk to and listen. I am not planning anything i just need to go to sleep before those thoughts come back. that is all. could i please talk to someone?",Suicidal +24023,"If this post is against the rules sorry removeIn august, I was at a party, snorting lines of MDMA and doing shots of vodka. Someone days they got percs, I bought one. I made it home and then stopped breathing in my bed. My dad knew the signs of an overdose, without him I would have died right there.The psyciatrist in the hospital, when I woke up 12 hours later, was completely disinterested in asking me questions, he asked ""why is you do it""I said, ""do what, this was an accident""He gave me a look and walked off.He decided I need to be on a psych ward for a 3 day mandatory hold. I just wanted to go home and sleep. But instead, this moron locks me in an empty room for 10 hours, gives me a shot of Ativan, and sends me straight to the shittiest psych ward in the state. The 3 day hold turned into 7 days because MY ASSIGNED DOCTOR WAS ON VACATIONHOW THE FUCK CAN A DOCTOR BE ASSIGNED PATIENT'S WHEN THERE NOT AT WORK.I should have died, I wish I died, I was never diagnosed with brain damage but I am 100% I got some. I am constantly trapped in flash backs, I am guilt ridden by what I did to my family.I have tried to make amends but they treat me like a junkie dispute being clean from everything but cigs n weed since.I just graduated highschool, at 22, no skills, never had a job, all my friends left me at the start of the pandemic. I just sit in my room playing gta n smokin dope. I just want to put a hole in my head, sadly gun laws are super strict and even if there were gun stores on every corner, I am dead broke.I wish I died last august, because some of me did, and seeing the aftermath was torture in and of itself.I wish I died, it was the perfect moment and I would have died painlessly, in a place I loved.Now, I am to guilt ridden and anxious to try again for real. What of I survive but I am locked in a psych ward for months, what if I end up paralyzed, what if I end up with an iq of 45 but alive. The last thing I want to be is a burden, and due to childhood illness I have felt like a burden my whole life. My brothers are successful, both college graduates, working, moving away, meeting people, working on Phd's.I do not consider myself in immediate danger, but I cannot trust myself with money.it is a cycle, I do not have money so I am depressed, being depressed makes me want drugs, cannot get drugs without money, so once I get money I spend it on drugs.I have done 30 drugs, I know what I want to feel like, I just want to use what I know will workI did perfect work in highschool, because to oppose the stress of school, I would have fun on the weekends with my friends and get extremely high, usually on opioids. But that is gone and all I got is the memory and I will never get it back and yeah.I just want to pop a pill n float into the abyss.Sorry everyone, just a waste of water, carbon and nitrogen tryna make some sense of this cruel twisted universe. I wish I died last august.",Suicidal +24024,"I am in a hospital and one patient told me ""illegal alien go fuck yourself"" after I (under anesthesia so I was not aware) kept insisting wanted water after surgery. I told the nurse and the got mad at ME and told me that ""I could very well be illegal"" (They literally saw my documents) and when I told them to confront the racist patient they told me.to shut up and refused. another shitty perspn ruining my say and mental health",Depression +24025,"Started a 9-5 a few days ago that is an engineering placement for my university degree. The only thing is I have quickly realised that I cannot sit at a desk for 8 hours a day and actually just want to cry whenever I get home thinking I have got to go back there the next day. The work environment is really quiet so there is not really much interaction with others, and I have just been sat at a desk for 8 hours everyday with my thoughts.I cannot cope with thinking this is my life for the next year, waking up at 6:30am, getting ready, going to work for 8 hours which is boring and soul sucking, then going home and not being able to do anything/enjoy anything because I am dreading coming to work the next day. Its only been three days but I cannot wait for this year to end. I may have the option to stop the placement, but that will not stand good with the company or university, I feel that working 8 hours a day is wasting my life, and thinking I am going to be doing this for the rest of my life makes me just fall down this hole of thinking I have made the wrong choices in life in terms of career path. Started a 9-5, I cannot cope",Depression +24026,I want to be friends with someone who relates to me and how I feel but at the same time I feel like we would just make each other worse. This community,Depression +24027,"My sister passed away very unexpectedly in 2018. Since then, I have lost most of my friends that I made in college and my grades are not up to par for med school. I just feel really alone as I do not have my sister anymore and I do not really have any super close friends that I can hang out with. I am back home with my parents and I think being isolated like this is affecting my mental health. I am planning to take some gap years to be a competitive applicant for med school, but even that feels so draining and overwhelming. I just feel so incapable of change and bettering advice. I am mainly posting just to share and vent but any thoughtful advice or tips on how to get my life back on track or even to feel the slightest bit better, would be appreciated. My (21F) only sister passed away three years ago and my life feels so hopeless",Depression +24028,"Just fucking end it already, this planet does not deserve people with good hearts. All everyone does is walk all over us and fucking god excepts us to be good humans in order to get to heaven or fucking whatever is good in the after life. I cannot stay positive anymore, no matter what good deed I do or do my best to help others I never get the help when I need it. I am not asking for a fucking reward for everything I do I am just asking if you can cut me some fucking slack! Fucking degenerates I know have it better than me. They steal, lie, exploit others and somehow they get rewarded and live happy while I have to bust my ass for a living while suffering? You are a fucking big joke and I do not understand why people still look up to you. Your not an almighty being, your just a sick fuck who stands by watching and does NOTHING to help like EVERYONE else. Fuck the Universe or God",Depression +24029,my life is shattered i genuinely think I am going to kill myself,Suicidal +24030,"A friend of mine has a friend who was just an amazing guitar player. Truly, truly gifted. He went on about how good his playing was, but he was addicted to cocaine. The drugs, of course, destroyed the rest of his life but his guitar playing abilities were enhanced. When he got clean (which good for him, no one deserves to suffer from active addiction) he lost his spark. He could still play but it was never the same, there was no fire.What if it is the same thing for me? I feel like my work as an artist is deeply intertwined with me being unhappy. When I am happy I do not have any motivation to draw, paint, or sculpt, and if I do it comes out unfocused and disinterested. When I am miserable my art has life and purpose. it is emotional and better looking. I do not want to be miserable and depressed but I also want to be able to make decent art. What if my work is so deeply intertwined with my suffering that it cannot exist without it? I do not know if this makes sense but does anyone get this? Only Good When I am Depressed",Depression +24031,"Lately I have not been able to talk to anyone because I have been depressed and treated like crap by my family and friends. They all tell me I am too down all the time, I am weird and I need to get over it, other people have it worse and to talk to someone else about things so here I am. How is everyone doing? Just wanted to talk to people.",Depression +24032,"// Sorry if this whole post is a mess, my mind is a huge mess atm // Anybody out there who grew up without proper adult supervision or is currently doing so? Man, if you are, I have deep respect for you and you deserve nothing but the best in life. I live this way too and it is the worst. I am currently 15 years old and I have been living without proper adult supervision for nearly 3 years. People might think living with no house rules, no discipline, no anything might be the best, but it is nothing like that for me. Basically, I live with a lazy cousin who does almost nothing else but play games and shit even though he is 22. And my guardians who are supposed to be taking care of me are miles away from the house I live in. For the past couple of years, I have been raising my own self aside from financial support (which I am thankful for but it is not enough), pretty much trying to figure everything out all alone. Before this all happened to me, I had a pretty normal life, wherein I was kind of dependent on my parents on everything. But I mean, c'mon, parents are there to give children what they need - time, love, and their basic needs, you know. So moving onto this kind of lifestyle after I lost my parents was really tough. I had to deal with mourning their loss, moving into a new city, school, home, changing my lifestyle completely, and leaving my friends, my old house all behind altogether. And I was pretty much alone throughout all of it because nobody my age could understand how I felt, and my guardians who are supposed to be looking out for me kind of always just leave me alone. Sure, it might not be the hardest thing ever for some people, but it really has been for me. Fast forward to nearly 3 years of living this kind of life, it is only gotten worse. The house I live in is always under heavy neglect because of my failure to keep up with all the chores, and my cousin literally not helping but just adding to the mess. The dishes always pile up, we seldomly take out the trash so that piles up too, there are so many containers in the fridge with unfinished food that has been there for several months, the back area is infested with insects and snails, parts of our rooves are leaking, our gardens are ridiculously overgrown and were always late on restocking groceries, etc. I could keep going on and it just gets worse and worse. To add to that, we do not eat healthy foods and only eat 1-2 times a day, we just eat processed foods or fast foods, plus we do not get any exercise either. Our lives are disgusting, and I really wish I had the strength to persevere and change our lives but.... it is been so tough being in all of this alone. I always try to initiate changing our lives, but every time I do so, hoping I would motivate my cousin to help me, he does not help me. He still stays lazy while I try and fix our lives and it really takes a huge toll on me and always affects my progress because I just wish he would help. Lately, I have been dealing with so much more to the point I have nearly attempted to leave the world for good several times. I thought, I just rather be with my mom now. This is because my aunt who lives halfway across the world decided that I was going to get two puppies. do not get me wrong, I love dogs so much, but they are not suitable for the kind of lifestyle I have right now. And now I feel so overwhelmed with how untidy and messy our house is, but the dogs are already here. I feel so bad for them, I feel like they deserve a much better home. And it is also been a struggle to take care of them personally. Because I feel like I am failing them and not providing everything they need. they are both big breed dogs, which I have never had so everything with them is a new experience for me. I feel like I am not giving them the proper lifestyle they need so it is been so stressful. Plus, again, as expected, my cousin is not helping. He does not even at least pet them or play with them, you know? And it hurts me so much. I live in a middle to upper-class town but my life is pretty close to how people in poverty live or even worse, because at least some of them still manage to have fun and have loving families. This place is the most depressing place I have ever seen and lately, I have just realized how emotionally neglected I am. it is been nearly 3 years since my mom passed away but I have not even gotten close to moving on. The thought of her being gone has been and still is so heartbreaking and always brings me to tears. And nobody in my family has bothered to sit down with me and ask me how I am doing or how I am coping. it is just been so dead in the house I live in, especially for the past year and a half in quarantine. My cousin and I barely talk unless we go outside to run errands. He just stays in his room all day and does not bother helping out with the house. I swear to god, I have contemplated just going away for good so many times. This fucking life is horrible and I want to escape so badly and be with my mom in heaven. The only thing that is stopping me now are my dogs, I love them too much now to leave them behind knowing that they might not be taken care of properly. So I really am trying my best to muster up the strength to fix my life, without the feeling of needing my cousin to be as productive as me. But I just find it so hard, depression just does that to you, I guess. I just wish things get better and I wish I continue to fight for myself and my dogs. Ps. I am not really looking for pity, we all have our own tough challenges in our lives, and this is my battle to fight. I would absolutely appreciate it though if those with the same experiences comment down below and let me know how you managed to get out of it and get better. Or at least what you do to cope. I am 15, and I have been realizing how emotionally neglected I'am by my family.",Depression +24033,Is that people understand that I am a waste of time and then just leaves... I am not surprised anymore but yet exhausted everytime Bad thing about having bpd,Depression +24034,"It never gets better. It becomes manageable for some time, maybe. But its always there. I cannot keep deal with these lows. Nobody fucking understands how painful it is. How absolutely miserable I am, how I feel like literally ripping my skin off and screaming my guts out. Yesterday I had a mental breakdown at 4am and shaved my entire head of hair off. Now I cringe every time I see my bald head in the mirror and I want to punch my reflection. I feel like such an ugly bitch. I am so angry, every day I become more and more insufferable. I drive people away because of my intense resting bitch face. I look pissed off 100% of the time now. And I am. I do not know why I am so damn angry. For what??? Unhappiness and sadness turned into anger and rage after all these years. I am so sorry to everyone I am rude and angry towards at work. It hurts me just as much, I promise. I am sorry to my boss, please do not fire me even though I actually do not want to be here. I do not want to be angry tho. I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not know what is making me so miserable. I am sorry for not having the energy to put on a smile and be friendly and agreeable. I just cannot do it anymore. I know how off putting it is to be around someone with such a heavy aura and radiating so much toxic energyim sorry about that. Every day I leave work feeling like shit, you do not even know. I have no friends. I have no support system. I am sick of myself. Sick of coming home to this apartment with nobody and nothing here for me to come home to. After I get off work, I do not speak words out loud until the next day. Because there is nobody to talk to. I wish these intrusive thoughts would stop. you are ugly. you are only getting older, look at you. You were never beautiful to begin with. Why do you care? Nobody cares about you. Why are you here? Just end it, what is the point? Tomorrow will be just like today. It always is. It ALWAYS is. How hot is hell? I do not know how much worse hell can be, dragging myself through each day suffering from emotional and psychological pain that becomes *so physical* feels like the worst torture imaginable to me. It just gets worse and worse and worse",Depression +24035,"I suffered from mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse for nearly half my life, and as much as I try to move forward and live a better life last night was one of those reminders that I am never really ok.Its been 4 years since I started living on my own with my children, and as much as I have tried to get help with therapist I have yet to find any that work with me instead of feeling like they are working against me.Last night, in call with my bf (6hr time difference atm) I misunderstood a question he asked, which in response his tone of voice changed and he asked if I had been lying to him about how much I have actually been eating. The change of tone and basically being accused of lying instantly brought tears to my eyes that I struggled to hold back. My body went instantly into this panicked mode, my breath quickened, my hands shook and my heart felt like it was being stabbed in multiple directions. I tensed up like I was expecting to be hit, even though my current bf has never done anything twords me in any harmful way, my body reacted this conditioned response....I could not bring myself to say anything at the time and shortly after he said he was tired and went to bed. My brain keeps saying ""I messed up, I am no good, I am brlken"" and I cannot sleep... I hate that I feel I will never be ""ok"" I do not think I will ever really be ""ok""",Depression +24036,I am taking note of this momentIm very confusedAnd trying to stay focusedOn what I know is rightIm very torn to what I know is wrong torn,Depression +24037,"The days I try are one of the hardest . Those days I try and try and try to be positive to be healthy to be better but at the end they always backlash at me and in return I just end up having nothing and find myself in my old chaotic times . I am so tired right now I have not cried in so long I wish that I did not tried too hard That I just let the day goes how it usually goes But today I did tried and it hurts Its really hurting me right now That despite even being positive and trying I was not able to achieve anything but in return I only got more despair I feel so tired I feel so exhausted I wish I had never tried Its just so much better when I am not this aware of myself Being aware of my emotions and my mind is chaotic , its disturbing Tired",Depression +24038,"Not here for advice, just a thought that I am continuing to struggle with. Trigger Warning: If its too much for some people, please do not read on. -Anyone does not get scared of death? Death does not scared me one bit. I find it silly when people are scared of death. I want to die if I get my way but I know I cannot because I know my family would be devastated and they are the reason I have to stay alive. Its a struggle for me every day to live when I really believe that death is freedom. Death free you from the burden of life. You wake up, work, sleep, eat and you do it again the next day. Time passes by and you will be old and on your death bed. I had existential crisis in my early 20s to mid 20s. Asking myself those questions likewhat is the purpose in life? I still do not have the answers for it and I know I will never know. So combining the not fear of death with no purpose in life I feel death is liberating. I am an intuitive person so I feel everything and everyone. I feel their struggles and desires. Death to me means free from nasty people, free from the struggles of mundane tasks, free from financial struggles, and free from responsibility in daily life. The physical pain of death scared me more than death itself. The knowledge that my family will be devastated scared me than death. You know when people say I beat death so I survived and I am a stronger person after I beat death. I do not even relate to that. Its always bedazzled me when people find that surviving death makes you strong. I am constantly struggling with seeing how being alive benefits me. Here are the list of things people would normally give: Experience in Love/Marriage: most marriages do not last and even if they do, there are problems with cheating or something else that comes with it. Career: I do not care what title you have you are working to live and to survive in this world not really enjoying itHobbies: people are always struggles with finding time to actually enjoy their hobbies.Open to hear other thoughts but I am really just venting my frustration with living when death sounds more free to me When death does not scared you, its difficult to live when life is a constant chore to live",Depression +24039,I am not sure what it is but I feel so uneasy as of now nothing terrible is happening my life is not great there is bad things happening but its better than its been in the past in some Instances but I still extremely empty and uneasy I do not know what to do anymore man Uneasy,Depression +24040,it is so difficult to get out of bed. I wake up in the morning for that first sip of coffee then lose all sense of meaning. Nobody ever wants to have anything to do with me. I am thoroughly convinced I do not exist at this point. I am attention-starved but I do not show it. Well others have it worse so I do not even have an excuse to kill myself. I guess I will have to keep going till my heart gives out. why do i bother,Depression +24041,"What am I supposed to do in this psychiatric hospital? I am only getting crazier staying here, no support by my parents whatsoever. I fucking hate this shit. Wish I kms better. Fuck this",Suicidal +24042,"I am in a really bad spot right now and i honestly do not know what to do and have nobody to ask for help.I am from a shitty eastern european country and I live alone and now i have no more money , no food left and I am supposed to wait until the end of the month to get some money as a scholarship from my university that I was supposed to get this month but it got postponed.I tried everything , but i do not have any charity in my city or food pantries like the usa , not even at church i could not get help and I have nothing else besides m phone which I need to take online exams.I am....hungry , tired , anxious , cannot even sleep from the stress and i feel life is completely done I have nobody i can ask for help and who I have asked made me feel like a piece of shit for asking..I do not know what to do can anyone talk to me please to calm me down? Rock bottom and alone",Suicidal +24043,I do not know what to do anymore I have already spent alot of money for treatments and check ups doctors does not seem to know what is going on lol nothing seems to cure me i cannot even keep up with my job anymore because of my illness and also my relationship with my s/o is going thru a rough patch because i feel like a burden and sometimes i break up with him because i want him to live life happily not with me which is miserable but he still stays despite the consequences that i told him it cannot be helped until I am cured it is so hard no one even understands my pain sometimes i just want to consider suicide but I do not want to be selfish My undiagnosed chronic illness and miserable life,Depression +24044,"My feel like I have been through hell and back today and I do not know I feel like I want to commit suicide or anything I just cannot keep it up please somebody talk to me. I have been feeling so much suicidal lately, so many side effects from the medication and I feel so alone please somebody talk to me",Suicidal +24045,"I lived in shit apartments making shit money with shit roommates. long distance bf does not want me to move in with him because I am worthless. mom begs me to move back in with her. I do not know why I agreed but I did. Come to find out after I moved in, I have to stay in a room the size of a fucking bathroom stall and have to take a job for even worse money. Fast forward two weeks, I come home from work and all my shit has been thrown in the living roomyour niece is taking this room, you can sleep on the floor I cannot afford to move back in with my old roommates because I do not make enough money nowI guess the advice I need is how to go about killing myself because I do not know what else to do. No place for my computer anymore so I cannot even try to start the audio business I wanted to do. I just do not even want to try anymore. I want it to end. Had a shitty life before, now its somehow gotten worse.",Depression +24046,":,D i do not know what to say. just bye i guess. forget about me everything's ready",Suicidal +24047,"I have been on Celexa 40mg for 10 years and it is no longer working. I was wondering if anyone has switched SSRI's before and how did you do it, just drop the old one and start taking the new one the next day?I cannot get in to see my doc for a week so I thought I would ask here. Thanks. How to switch from one SSRI to another?",Depression +24048,"I was raised sort of in a cult. My parents were part of the Quiverfull movement. I was one of 6 children raised in rural appalachia. I was raised to think some pretty nasty things, and I distanced myself from home once I graduated high school. I was still a hyper evangelical Christian, so I turned away every romantic opportunity I got, worried I would be committing a sin. I never got close to anyone in college. I rushed through a STEM degree and got out as fast as possible to join the workforce and be independent.Welp, let us see where that left me!- big debt- depressed, out of shape, and without a single person in my life - in a bad relationship with family- not a single romantic experience to reminisce about at 21- in a career I despise for likely the next 50 years unless I end it soonerI sometimes feel better about the idea of not having to deal with this until I am 80. I have made enough bad choices in a row that I do not feel I can recover anymore. I should have enjoyed being young more I wasted the only good days of my life",Suicidal +24049,so: what if one has come to the conclusion that there is no free will? what if there is no choice?what would you do? there is no free will,Suicidal +24050,"For the past couple of months I been on the whole ""rise and grind work hard"" thing and I know for a fact I have improved physically and financially because of it. But I still feel like shit, I know I am improving but I feel how I felt where I started. I do not deserve anything I have. I have no one to tell about how I have improved, not because I need there validation but living inside my own mind is killing me. I am fine with working hard, I enjoy it to a degree but I just do not want to feel lonely and this has not helped that empty feeling. I am just so lonely, and improving myself has not helped me feel any better",Depression +24051,Lol I am screwed How will I be able to work and get an internship without having a mental breakdown,Suicidal +24052,"In the Pandemic i slowly started having more depression , insecurities , and anger issue it had a background to it i had a android tablet gifted in 2019 ; i used it and enjoyed but my smaller sibling always wanted to play on it ,i did let him play but on start of 2020 while trying to take it from me he threw it in floor its screen broke . Months after months i forgot it but i had it as a memory then my parents fixed it in 2020 mid period and i was very happy for it had great time with it but 2021 also somehow went good but in 2021 my liitle sibling again this time bashed it to sofa to break its screen again . I was this time broken could not do anything for days i was angry and sad that it cannot get fixed anymore be it costs lots of money to do that , my parents told they will fix it but they forgot it by now . I failed myself as a student pandemic from 2020 ruined my student skills even though I am trying my best now i still failed all exams till now . I used to listen to music but all my headphone got broken and whenver i see them it makes me more sad . My parents are dissapointed at me , becuaset of frustration they scold me and i understand it i havnt truley acheived anything in life by now . The neighbor outside always hear me getting scold so i close all my windows and doors . I have anger towards my sibling for ruining my things . Out of combination of all these i feel a mixture of sadness , anger , stress . some things trigger my sadness . I want help from it Suffering from depression and anger issues",Depression +24053,"This is the first time I have posted anything here, and I do not really know if I should tell you about myself or just say my piece.I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life (I am 39). I have spent my life throwing myself 110% in to things as a coping mechanism, and of course taking prescription medications, as well as self medicating with alcohol and cannabis at different stages in my life.I am married to the most incredible woman, have a career teaching at the high school level, pets, and better hair than most guys my age.And I increasingly do not see a point being alive. I have long had bouts of passive suicidal ideation, but even during those times when I did not feel entirely committed to being alive, I at least was curious about the future and that was enough to keep me grounded. But lately, the curiosity has faded away. I feel disconnected from my friends, from my family, from my wife, from everything.I am not expecting anyone to respond, and this is not a cry for help, I am not planning to do anything, or really thinking about doing anything. I just feel uncommitted to existing, like I am just running out the clock. Feels like I am just running out the clock.",Depression +24054,"Doctors or psychologists are indifferent, selfish people who make money by studying and teaching those who said they did not want to live. Doctors are indifferent people",Suicidal +24055,"My last friend just got a real job, I am going to be stuck in retail the rest of my life i cannot handle this at all I want to die.I am just sobbing in my room, I spent the last hour searching job listings in my area trying to find something I can work towards and there is nothing that is not retail or warehouse or degree required. All I do is consume I cannot create anything. I have no skills. I have no money to go to school. I have no support structure. there is so many more people more deserving and more valuable then me. I have no charisma. I have nothing. I want to die so much I cannot breathe",Depression +24056,"So after feeling this way for my whole 22 years of existing, my mother throwing my mental illnesses in my face and turning her back on me when she has the same issues, my partner says he cannot deal with my shit anymore. I cannot keep feeling like a burden on people, I want to end it but I just brought a bag of weed, so when that is gone so am I. cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +24057,"Yo if you got any tips whatsoever you know Gosh man fk that blue berry talking on here, I am fucked up and i know how ro bring myself up again, just do not want to talk about it always",Suicidal +24058,"I am just a complete failure, I am doing rlly bad in school my family sucks and my dad makes fun of me for dreaming of moving to CA, shits bad man.I am 15 and tried killing myself like 10 time, yeah I am the popular kid in school but what does it fucking matter, I am not popular, the fucking fake me is.I have lived in the shadows of my fucking sister my whole life, hearing she is great and amazing!!!, she is so smart, how many times do you think I have been complemented by my parents, none.The girl I like does not even fucking like me man, I am shit at everything. Everything is fucking bad",Suicidal +24059,I am too sick of everything. I thought life would get better. And I am just tired of it. I am taking xans that I hope are laced. I hope I do not wake up. I am so lonely and I am going nowhere in my life. I have had it,Suicidal +24060,What angle should I hold the gun to my head to maximize lethality? I really do not want to fuck this up.I am going to do it at a shooting range since I do not own one. What angle should I hold the gun,Suicidal +24061,"How it is feels, If I do no return cos I do not know swim Anyone nearly drowned in past ?",Suicidal +24062,"I am currently living with my family, and its been hurting my mental health. I am dealing with skin issues and it obviously makes me self conscious, so I hide my body under hoodies and pants whenever I can. My parents have been yelling and getting upset with me about it, when I have been trying my hardest to take care of my skin and trying to remedy it. My mom is constantly on me about it, and goes as far as to point it out in public, which makes me embarrassed. My dad gets angry because my mom always gets mad at him about it for not doing anything about it. I feel like a burden, and that I should just disappear.I have a boyfriend as well, and honestly hes so amazing. He has everything, has a perfect life, friends that he loves being around, while I am the opposite. I do not know why hes even with me, there are other girls better than me. I always feel like I am lesser than him and that his life would be better if I was gone. He would not have to deal with an insecure girlfriend who is still haunted by the past.Sorry for my little rant, my brain is just out of it. I wish it was easy to leave life behind without causing an issue",Suicidal +24063,"is not weird that if you attempt and succeed, everyone loves and misses you. They feel sad for you and compassionate. They remember your good qualities. But if you attempt and survive, people hate you. They judge you and leave you. They treat you like a selfish freak. Surviving",Suicidal +24064,"I wish I had not been so stupid, why did not I learn the first few times. I feel like a huge detriment to my family. I feel like I am in a never ending loop. I am scared to go outside in my neighboorhood, I am scared to see my friends. it is all my fault. I wanted to harm myself but I was too scared. I hate how much of a coward I am. I hate how much I am not going to care about all this later on and I wish I am never able to find any happiness because of this. I wish I was dead but I am too much of a coward. I am so scared of what will happen because of me. I feel like a huge coward by trying to run away from my problems and not being able to kill myself. it is my fault",Suicidal +24065,"I never thought I would have to grieve the loss of a teacher, and I am having a lot of painful regrets for being a bit of a tough student to teach. I was not as close to her as my peers but I tried to be. I was not quite sure if she liked me and sometimes she made me mad. She was really strict with me and I never understood anything in her class because it was so advanced, but now that she is gone I am severely grieving and completely heartbroken. I am afraid it might send me back into the depression I just crawled out of. Anything helps. My teacher died",Depression +24066,There is always downs in my life but never ups I just want to end it Wtf changes in my life if I do not suicide ?,Suicidal +24067,I often lay in bed at night day dreaming of a previous attempt being successful. What the funeral would look like. What my parents would say. Who would even show up. Which fake ones would repost some dumb shit even tho they did me dirty .... I always wonder what life would have looked like if I actually was gone .... Idk why it is comforting to think about. My peace. Even tho I know a few will grieve for years... Asking why. Even tho for years I have told them all why. it is weirdly comforting .. to day dream,Suicidal +24068,"I am all alone , I woke up this morning and all that I have left to live off of until the 30th of july is 0.20 cents that cannot even buy me a bread.I am a uni student and I have exams now and i have no more food left and nothing to sell except my phone which i need for classes.I am a stupid man and i deserve to go through this but its too hard i woke up hungry , I am going to sleep hungry while having to study and not fail and honestly i cannot even sleep.My mind is racing as I tried every solution I could think of but I am not from the USA and i have no food banks in my city here and no food charities and nobody in my life to ask for help.I am doomed and i feel extremely pathethic ...i have nobody to ask for help I am fucking crying I m about to lose alot of things i do not know what to do Rock bottom....need help somehow",Suicidal +24069,I cannot do this anymore I am just so done being alive and I have been feeling suicidal for only around a year. Waking up is the worst,Suicidal +24070,Can I just die? Ever since I was six I have wanted to die. The people in my life are starting to have less power in trying to stop me. Can I just finally end it? I am tired,Suicidal +24071,"When my mind shifts to suicide as the goal its like I am in a different world. I completely release all the shit I am stressing over, all my expectations for the future. Its like saying fuck you to the world that has tormented you.I feel like I am in an empty slate of a world where I can just drive through the night wherever and find a rooftop along the skyline of a city and just be happy and dive. Being suicidal feels good now",Suicidal +24072,"These feelings constantly come back. Someone from my past that hurt me came back a month ago and once again disrespected me and i just feel like shit. Idk why these feelings keep resurfacing but it just hurts. I do not want to be over dramatic but Its hurts when you were nothing but loving/kind to someone and they disrespect you. I just hate feeling like this, feeling like i cannot trust anyone or that no one would ever truly love me unless i have something to offer. I am always worried about my looks and its just making me depressed. I really do not feel like i fit in with the world I am just here. Idk what my next step should be to get help but I am really going through it. (Yes I am in therapy) but how do i help myself ? I have been depressed/anxious for years and most day i do not even leave my house. But nobody around me seems to care and honestly I am tired of feeling this way. But at the same time i do not want to give up on myself bc i feel like I am here to be somebody great. I am just trying to find my way right now. It keeps coming back",Depression +24073,Self mutilation is the key to great success Just some thing interesting.,Suicidal +24074,"I am not actively suicidal, and I am not planning on trying to kill myself anytime within the next year or two, not until I start living on my own. The fear of failure outweighs my desire to stop living. But I have an entire plan for if/when I decide to do so. I am only 19, but I have typed out a will of sorts to let my family know how I want to be buried and where I want my money that I saved for college to go. I have a general idea of how I want to kill myself, where I want to do it, the time of day I want to do it, how Ill lie to make people not be concerned, etc. But even though this plan has only come to me within the last week, I have not been suicidal. I am just stuck in that awkward limbo where I do not see a point in living, but I do not see a point in dying. But I still cannot stop just creating this story in my mind of everything, thinking about everything that could go wrong and how I could prevent those things from happening and it does not really bother me. Its just a thought that is always in the back of my head. Anyone create elaborate suicide plans without intent to act on them?",Suicidal +24075,I want to kill myself. I have marked my arms enough already and I have the knife in my hand. I need to call someone and talk about this before I die I am drunk and My plan was to commit suicide,Depression +24076,"I love my sister, but I am not so sure she loves me.Today my cousin came over, and me, my sister, and cousin were hanging out.After awhile I went to the living room to watch TV.An hour passed, and I decided to go back in the room to chat with them.My cousin was on my bed, while my sister was on her bed. When I when to sit down, my sister rolled her eyes at me and continued to talk to her boyfriend over FaceTime.I asked her what that was about, and she said just go die, no one wants you. I was shocked.She has told me to kill myself plenty of times, but this was just so random, like a punch in the face.I went to tell me mom, and all she said was to tell her to stop.When I went back to the room my sister says,ugh you are so annoying.We are you even here?Go kill yourself, you will be doing everyone a favor.Then I just walked out of the room.She always tells me this, and it hurts.I usually cry, and want to self harm.All my mom does is tell her to stop.She never does anything to stop her from saying these harsh things.I think suicidal thoughts every day of my life.I do not want to die, I just do not feel wanted enough to stay. My sister wants me to die.",Suicidal +24077,"My life is almost over. I have taken an entire bottle of pills and now I am just sitting here. I guess I am making this because I want someone to know. Because my parents probably will not care when I go to bed tonight and never wake up. Its a nice thing to look forward to is not it? The fact that I can fall asleep peacefully and be asleep forever. All of the people who walked out of my life, all of the problems, all of the jerks, and all of my worries will just go away. You know all I wanted to do was make someone like me, but since that will not ever happen, why should I keep living? Its no good. All the people I tried to make happy spat in my face and walked away and they never told me why. But like I said, that does not matter anymore. That makes me so happy. I guess my friends will not be happy, but they are good guys and they will forget about me soon after I am gone. The best part is that Ill get to see what happens after death. Like, what the fuck happens? I am actually really excited. Maybe its heaven, maybe its hell, maybe Ill become a ghost or some shit. Or maybe it will just be nothing. Either way, I am going to leave this miserable life and I do not care. that is it, I am going to bed. Roll credits. Roll credits",Suicidal +24078,"Now, i do not really want to kill myself right now, but there is a big probability that i will do it soon. I am going to see a person I am really attached to for the last time today and it simply hurts. It hurts so much. So much. I cannot do it. The relationship is not going too well and i know i have to end it but i cannot. Its bad for me, so i have to end it today, but i cannot, because I am scared of the pain I am going to feel for the next days, weeks, maybe months. The only way i numb the pain is with cigarettes. I do not want to get addicted, but i will probably. I cannot bear it anymore. I want to end the pain. Cutting myself is not working anymore. I have no friends that are going to support when ill be at my lowest. Why is this happening? Why? Why am i putting so much hope in people who do not give a fuck about me? Saying goodbye to a person you love is just painful",Suicidal +24079,"Its 5:30 am. I just got another negative reply for a job, apparently my friends hate me. there is nowhere to go from here. I am going to write my will and finish it off with my shotgun. This will be my first and last post on Reddit. Take care I am doing it tonight",Suicidal +24080,"I want to ask for help but I am scared my mind is in chaos and has suicidal thoughts lmao i even tried to kill myself 3 times but did not work I am stuggling everyday mental,physical and emotional",Depression +24081,"Forgive my English. I keep remembering bad memories, my worst one was Graduation day, I was graduating Elementary (6th Grade) to Junior High school (7th Grade)Most of my family came to see me, except for my brother, he did not want to come, and a cousin, after graduation, went to the car, and the words he spoke really hit me""If you did not play those games and focused on school, you could have been a valedictorian""Went home, got out of the car, went to the living room, and dropped my graduation certificate, idk its paper with stuff in it, and dropped it like it was just garbage. But that is what I remember, that memory is blurry, but if that never happened, why do I remember being angry after graduation I am pathetic",Depression +24082,"I am a 22 year old full time single father, her mother does not care to ever see her anymore, I lost my job because I have absolutely NO family to watch my daughter. I have been stuck at home for months terribly behind on bills and finally got an eviction notice a few days ago. 1 year ago I had a happy family in a new home, and there is nothing that would have helped me prepare for the enormous amount of mental toll this has had on me. I have been a sorta chubby guy nearly my entire life, and within 7 months i look disgustingly skinny and unhealthy. I want to die , Every night its a struggle falling asleep with all these thoughts. I have nobody around to tell them to anymore. the good part is, I do not think I would ever actually hurt myself, or so I hope. The love I have for my two year old daughter would never let me leave her alone, and knowing none of my family would ever want to take her. But I am obviously sick and tired of feeling like I want to die to flee these feelings. I do not know why I am writing this. I really needed to get something off me. I do not even know if this is where I should write this. Well",Suicidal +24083,"I am having one these shitty day's now and I am just going to express it before I forget it.IDK why every moment I am thinking of ways to ""magical disappear from this world"" without hurting anyone's feeling. For an example, my family; they mean everyrhing to me but at the same time they mean nothing to me. I feel like I want to disappear from this world PERMANENTLY but at the same time I do not...I am either guessing I am to much of a coward to do so and wait for death to take my miserable feelings/life away or thinking their is a slight hope of finding the meaning of my life and a future 'someone' to whom I would care.Even IF someone were to be out there knowing and experiencing the same pain as I am how long will it last? How long will it take to meet that person? How will I know if I CAN talk to that person.At this point, I am so lost to what to do with my life that I cannot decide whether should I live or die.I pity myself for giving the lack of self-confidence, self-love and self-courage to myself. I am almost always stuck in my comfort zone that I would barely talk to people. I am not good with talking to people but atleast Ik my manners.I am desperately trying to find the answers of why am i feeling this way?very rarely I talk to people close about my feeling because I am afraid of what they would say to me. I am more of a ""Action speaks louder than words"" kind of person.Idk how the hell am I still mentally alive and idk how long will that last. I have been feeling this way since I was 13 years old. I have always give self doubts about my self because I am not even worth anyones time nor myself.I am so used to being alone/lonely that I actually get scared of people who take interest in me. it is nice to be acknowledged for my existence but what I am mostly afraid of is what way are they going to approach me and how do I respond to it.I am surrounded by people and yet, I still feel lonely.I have alway been the person to overthink things and I tell my not to over think it but ending up to do ot anyways.I think I have said everything I had in my mind, I hope sent a clear message to anyone who got this.I hope you all have good day and try not to kill youself (speaking for myself). To die and not to die",Suicidal +24084,"Nothing makes me happy long term. Whenever things that do make me joy in the short term, they ALWAYs lead to a nose dive of depression afterwards. I have crippling anxiety that does not seem to get any better not matter what I do.I understand that that is life. That all good things mush come to end. But that is the point. There was a quote about this from a show that I will never forget, It goes: ""that is exactly it, are the best parts of life just finding momentary distractions to keep yourself busy so you do not think about the harsh reality of life for a second? I can ride roller coasters, meet new friends, and spend time with my family all day long. it is does not change the fact [that]... all of this was for nothing.""I see a life I do not want. The way the economy is going, constantly being burnt out, living paycheck to paycheck, having to put up with abusive bosses because I rely on them to survive. and quite frankly, I do not see anything changing. The people at the top will continue to make everyone is life more miserable if it means they get to continue to live in luxury. If anything, things are going to get worst.I am in the weird half-way point. I have made the decision that in two years time, if nothing improves, I am going to die. I do not want to mindlessly suffer just for the thin possibility that things might get better. Despite this, I do not know if I want to die, like, I want to, but then I will not be able to feel those little bits of joy. Conversely, it will not matter because I will be dead. it is not I will be conscious to know what I am missing.As far as I know, there is no afterlife. Many of the worlds religons say that there is a hell. I do not know. I am not relgious. So many people say so many different things that its impossible to know. I just hope that if there is a god that he is merciful and understand my mental suffering. When I posted my previous post in suicide watch my karama on the top of the page was 66:6 and when I got out bed I looked at the time it wsa 11:34, and the 4 in my clock looks like an upside down h. Am I looking too much into this? Was it just a wild coincidence or is there some force beyond my control? I do not want to die, I just do not want deal with the way life is. I need anther person's perspective.",Depression +24085,"Especially when your sleeping all day it either goes so fast or so slow, by the time you realise 2 weeks has gone past the struggle to remember what the hell you have been doing with yourself for that long. time is such a weird thing",Suicidal +24086,"I have had what is likely depression for about 3 years now. I do not know why it came about, and I do not understand why its going away. But its wrong, and I do not want to get better.I am so used to the familiarity of it. There was a certain amount of comfort to those feelings of numb-emptiness, or just plain heaviness. I had my low times, I self-harmed, and it sorta got better for a week before going downhill, the cycle repeating 2 weeks after. It was reliable. It was known. It made the highs feel better.But for a few months now, I have been, by most views, improving. I have less depressive episodes. It went from 3 weeks to 5 to 8. The sadness behind the self-harm is fading, and as it does, the strength of temptations grows weaker.And yet, I cling to what remains. I am not ready to get better. I am not ready to lose the comfort of harming. The depression is part of who I am at this point, and I do not know how to live without it. Perhaps because my depression never had a clear because, there is no closure, nothing in my life has improved to justify or explain me getting better.I am here because my partner suggested I ask if anyone else has experience with this. I am not really sure how much you all will know of this, but its worth a shot. Thank you in advance. I am getting better, and I hate it.",Depression +24087,"Using an old throwaway account. I am 33, located in the US, and I have had anxiety issues for quite a long time. I should have started therapy when I was 18. Recently I have been trending much more towards depression, and I NEED to address it now. My questions are:How do I find a therapist?What is the average cost? I created an account for my insurances website to see my plan and it does not look like they cover it at all.There are different types of therapy? How can I tell what type of therapist to use?I am sure I will think of more but I am having a hard time concentrating. Like I said, anxiety issues up the wazoo. Had them for most of my life but I think it got much worse after a bad salvia trip around 10 years ago, but that is not important. I have an extremely hard time discussing and articulating my emotions. The last few weeks I began having intrusive thoughts about suicide (hello hotline bot, I am safe now but I like that you are here anyway). I have most definitely also lost interest in the things in my life that brought me joy, and the past week my appetite has gotten markedly lower. So yeah, depression. A little over a week ago I had a yearly physical but I guess my answers to their mental health questionnaire did not raise any alarms and I was scared to ask how to go about starting therapy.On to my little rant, at the start of April a coworker invited me out to get drinks and we hit it off amazingly. I am actually one of her supervisors so we had to keep it hush hush at work. Texted constantly for the first few weeks, neither of us had felt that kind of connection to someone else before. Conversation that flowed from one topic to the next, from getting out of work at 5 or 6 until going to bed around 1. We also saw each other outside of work at least every other day. That pace kept up for about a month, maybe got a little slower through May.By June we were seeing each other less and while texting nearly every day we are talking much less, and I feel my apprehension to discussing my feelings is the because. I care deeply about her and I do not want to lose her because I am unable to talk seriously about us. Add to that having to see her at work every day and I am a mess of emotions, which have really boiled over the last couple days. It was my birthday on Saturday and I spent most of it crying in my room, dreading having to respond to the birthday wishes I was receiving. This evening I asked her when I could see her next, and did not get a reply. Four hours later I asked if we could talk and was again met with silence. I am not the type to incessantly send messages hoping to annoy or guilt someone into responding so I left it at that, but in the words of Tom Petty, the waiting is the hardest part. I do not know what exactly I am looking to accomplish with this post. I have a good amount of friends but I do not have a best friend that I can confide in and talk to about things like this. I am just a mess of a human right now, and I think my brain is trying to go in so many directions that I cannot even have a good cry, even though I think that is what I want in this moment. Questions about starting therapy and a little rant",Depression +24088,"For want of connection we seek each other out!But be weary of the your desireFor this is no world like that you know, thus friendships here come with there troubles in toe.The Internet they call itA net indeed but what to catch?I am not sure what it is I found, it very well be yet diagnosable as it is something beyond the believe that we are alone and or fucked as a species but to know to be able to reach out and find no one actually gives a fuck about anyone else and the only common courtesies you can find are from this Sub, where people openly want to better this world be have been beaten into isolation and hopelessness that most of us just want to leave sooner than not.I pity the world I leave behind!I regret that I could not fixed it for my children, I hope they find a better wayBut, anyhoo you guy are really cool, keep supporting each other, its those little moments we need to get through that make all the differenceP.S. oh; just stepping away from the whole Internet thing and concentrate on family My time here is coming to a close.",Suicidal +24089,Fuck all if I knew. Can anyone tell me what its like to live a life without suicidal thoughts and tendencies?,Suicidal +24090,"I am trying not to fall asleep as I write this, I just want to vent because I have been thinking of pulling the plug all day. I am 29 and still live with parents. I work a dirty job that leaves me drained in ways difficult to articulate. I am addicted to porn and caffeine. I spend my days just sort of sitting here and rotting. Yes, rotting is a good word. I feel like such a bad person, and like I need to be punished. I hit myself frequently. I have bruised my legs and hit my head a lot. Every day I come closer and closer to terms with the fact that I do not deserve love to any capacity. I have brushed people off who may genuinely have tried to befriend me because 1: I do not trust anyone to not be a bad person, and 2: no one *needs* to know me. I wish I could express how much of a waste of life I am; how bad I really am. I hate so much about myself both mentally and physically. I want to die. I want to stop feeling this way, and I want to spare people from my presence I mean I never really lived anyway?",Suicidal +24091,"I am 23 and male, after highschool I lost everything my friends who I now know were not even that great of friends to begin with, my hope of becoming a great musician, and I lost contact with a girl who could have been my girlfriend. I have been wandering lonely and alone for the past 5 years and it seems like everyone is an enemy, what I mean by that is most people I have bet since school are assholes and bullies. I never had an easy life but the way its going I do not want to keep going on living, and before you judge, my father passed away last month and all I keep thinking about is how much he beat me when I was a kid and then Id go to school and get bullied and beat up there as well its like a never ending pain that does not go away. I do not know what else to do or say I just want to die :( I am always alone.",Depression +24092,Literally there are only a few people that make me happy and Its really hard for me to reach out/talk to them unless they do it first. But its does not even matter because even when I do the happy does not last anyway. Idk what to do I do not really have anything that truly makes me lasting happy and that scares me a lot because I am only 16 and I have nothing. Its so hard to find ways to be happy,Depression +24093,"Would my chances of surviving be lower if I aimed a shotgun straight up in my mouth, or straight back? Painless to an extent",Suicidal +24094,"I have previously been diagnosed with ADHD and dysthymia by a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac for 2 years from 2017 to 2019, and was prescribed Concerta and Brintellix this year. I had a relapse of MDD in dec 2020- from then till now I have lost 8kg (17lb), I lost all interest in my work and engaging with people. This improved for 2 weeks when I started Brintellix in June, where I had a lot of energy and motivation, I woke up earlier etc, but now it is starting to go back to being dark and negative and just being down in general. I am also going for therapy with a psychologist. I am just wondering if I have bipolar type II or something, or if this is normal? it is really affecting my work and relationships and I feel so guilty for being so negative and disengaged and hopeless yet again. Felt energetic on Britellix for awhile but depression fog has come back",Depression +24095,"I have tried every medication available, been in therapy for years, nothings helping, in fact its only gotten worse. I do not know what to do now, do I just wait for a new med to come out, it it even worth it? what is the next step from here? Suicide?",Depression +24096,"Tonight I am wondering if the chemicals sloshing around my brain are keeping me from unalive-ing myself. (Adderall, bupropion, Wellbutrin). Chemicals",Depression +24097,"I am not happy. I feel stuck and alone...its starting to get to the point dying might mean at least I do not have to struggle anymore. I am starting to understand why my mom did it, if she could not make it how am I supposed to? I do not know how to get myself help, I am just scared and lonely and having a really difficult time. It gets harder and harder",Suicidal +24098,No matter how Manny good days I have; I know that the depressive and Suicidal thoughts will always find their way back. Good days scare me the most.,Depression +24099,I guess I have always felt like this. Ever since I can remember I get random outbursts of wanting/ having to get out of the place I am in. I have moved so many times I have lost count yet no place ever feels like home. The few people who have felt like that I drive away with my sadness. And the ones who stick around only seem to hurt me. I turned 27 this year and I feel more lost than I ever have. I keep quitting jobs and isolating myself/ pushing people away seem to be the only hobbies I am consistent with. Would therapy help at this point? I have tried that so many times. Antidepressants make me more depressed and keeping sober is the only thing keeping me sane at this point bc self medicating turns into escapism real quick for me. I have reached out to close friends and family as well but all I get is the pep talk. Only temporary it will get better just a phase that happens to everyone every once in a whileThe thing is I know I am not special. I know there is so many people out there who have it worse. Just thinking about it sends me through a guilty black hole of self pity and contempt for my lack of control over my own emotions. When will I stop feeling this emptiness? Does it ever really get better? I just feel a perpetual state of time passing by me while I watch myself in third person and feeling like a spectator of my own life. I feel out of place everywhere I go,Depression +24100,"I do not want to keep fighting anymore. I just do not have it in me. I have tried everything. Medication, therapy, workbooks... And nothing helps. Its a struggle to get out of bed every day. I keep trying to tell people its getting worse again and no ones listening. Part of me feels like its because I have always been somewhat like this. I cannot remember a time when I have been truly happy or healthy for any prolonged period of time. I do not think Ill ever get there, either. The trauma I have been through is just ingrained in my bones. I always hoped Id find a reason to hold on by now, but I have not. I am just existing on borrowed time I never deserved in the first place. I am just so tired",Suicidal +24101,i do not know. i do not really have a purpose anymore. sometimes i think life is great. like in moments when I am with family or friends all my worries seem to go away for a bit. but then once you are alone with your thoughts it is the same thing all over again. i do not know if i want to be alive anymore life is so meaningless,Depression +24102,"I cannot help but become sad whenever I read or watch or play a piece of fiction. Mainly at the bond between the characters, because even though it is made up, it feels more real and genuine than what I will ever have. it is like I am the one that is fake. Fiction",Depression +24103,"Ever since I was little, people have viewed me as something to extract fromfamily, partner, my workplace. I give and am lied tothey tell me I am valuable (as long as the relationship stays one sided. ) I am trying to flip that pattern and make myself be seen as worth something on my own merits and I am failing miserably. A flipper bought my apt building and is forcing everyone out to bring wealthier tenants. My job is toxic and low incomelast week I interviewed for a transfer /promotion with a dept I really admire and they passed me over today as too low-skilled. My faith rejected me years ago, I cannot get ahead professionally, i try but have not found my community yet, and I struggle with relationships. I had a few trusted people but they passed away, one recently. Family relationships do not exist anymore.I used to self harm and I tried a lot of positive coping strategies today and I still relapsed. The housing and the money and the job and the general ongoing lack of others investment in my potential despite my best effort just feels so bad to endure. I am really tired and do not have a good answer for how to fix things. I have one answer but its not a great one. I am not sure if this is the right forum and I am probably not at risk right this minute but I am completely ground down and dying feels sensible. Low-priority",Suicidal +24104,The only thing stopping me is the fear of failing... I want to unalive myself,Suicidal +24105,"for 6 years I have been very depressed, a girl totally took away the will to live, I have already tried to commit suicide 2 times, should I try one more time? I am a failure I am 18 years old and I have done absolutely nothing with my life, I do not want to do something with my life anymore, I have no friends, I have no one, I am alone and I suppose that dying would be the best Nothing",Depression +24106,12 yo boy looking for someone to help me through this Looking for a friend,Suicidal +24107,"I would really like to just off myself cuz I am going to end up a failure in life but thinking about how other people killed themselves cuz of abuse and all that, and makes me feel like a fucking pussy for even thinking about pointing a gun at my head, but I still want to do it. Am I being a fucking idiot?",Suicidal +24108,"I do not necessarily fear death, but at the same I just cannot bring my self to actually kill my self beacuse I am affaid I would just mess it up and be forced to go to the psych ward. I do and do not want to kill my self at the same time.",Suicidal +24109,"I do not really feel anything anymore. I just walk around as if I was some robot, not going through emotions at all. I show facial expressions but in reality I just feel absolutely nothing inside of me. it is almost like my base mood is just really low and flat, and I feel empty as if there is nothing left in me. I do not feel happiness, I do not feel sadness, I do not feel anger, I do not feel accomplished, I just do not really feel anything. This feels more than just tiredness. I do not care for things anymore. Things do not give me any satisfaction, or inspiration, I do not get happy over anything. I do not have any motivation at all. Now, I do not talk to anyone, literally only one friend and do nothing, I just feel like a floating blob. I cannot even focus anymore, and just feel tired and my mind is just mindlessly running round and round. I cannot even think right, care about my goals or anything anymore. I am not sure if this is depression or if its just myself just being tired, but it does not feel good at all. Is this even depression? Literally feeling completely empty",Depression +24110,"Why is selfishness and greed so rampant in society? Why is everyone a megalomaniac? Why does everyone want attention? Why do most people do more harm than good? Why is humanity not there in us humans? Why does everyone think the other person is always wanting something from them? Why does discrimination exist? Be it based on colour, religion, economic status, social status, anything. Why do people like to abuse someone verbally or in any other form just because they can? Why can we not get rid of this? I do not know. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Why is this world full of shitty people?",Depression +24111,"I am a 35 year old Brazilian teacher, and I cannot remember the last time I felt meaningful joy. I feel guilty by saying that because I have a nice family and a wonderful girlfriend and they love me and respect me so much, but I feel like crap. I did therapy on and off for around 10 years, I took medicine, I tried meditation... I have dreams that remain that, dreams. One of them is to write. I do not fantasize in becoming famous or anything, but whenever I sit down to write, after I read my production, it just sucks so much. it is anguishing to attempt something and realize that you are not good enough for that. I know that something is require practice, but I do not feel that all the effort is worth it because in the end I always come to the same conclusion: I do not like life, I think I never did. I think I have always looked for peace and happiness but I cannot find it anywhere, not even inside of me. I just do not know what to decide: end everything or accept that I will be forever unhappy until my natural non suicidal death. I think I just need someone neutral to talk, because I cannot say these things to my family. Brazilians are too emotional, sensitive and almost zero rational, so it is be inevitable to hurt someone if I shared what I actually think. I simply cannot stand this place anymore. Is Life Worth It?",Depression +24112,it feels like no one will ever choose to spend time with me other than my family. i just want to have someone in my life that i can talk to. but i also know i feel so shitty about myself that ill feel bad for annoying them. it feels like nothing is going to change and i am just waiting for a happier life that will never happen. i cannot wait to be done so sick of being lonely,Depression +24113,"I do not want to die honestly, I am close to enjoying my life. But I cannot handle being the bad guy.I was fucked up and mentally unwell for years, he wanted to stay, but now he resents me and is abusive to me. I do my best to be impeccable with my word. To be kind, validating, supportive, etc. He tells me I owe him a place to live, while he tells me he does not owe me telling me what he is planning to do when he takes the car that day. I (we) live with my family. I am shamed by him about my toxic attachment with my narcissist grandma we live with.He calls me her pet and shames me for having a support system basically, because when he leaves here, he will have nothing, and while my relationships with family are strained, I have them.I was awful for years and if I do not do everything he wants now, I will be cast as so evil and if I make him homeless before he has the money, I will be damned basically to be considered awful and evil by him forever. Why do I care about what he thinks? Idk.But I am so depressed, desperate, and I cannot stand sleeping in the bed with him in a sexless trash abusive relationship any longer. Pretending to my family that things are fine because I will be the evil one if i use my family's help to make him leave. He will be homeless. he is getting settlement money in a few months but until then I try my best and am consistently told it is not enough. My relationship is truly ruined, I do not even care anymore, but he lives in my house and will not leave until he gets money in 3 months and we sleep in the bed together",Suicidal +24114,"One night I told myself what do I have to lose. I was tired of living because all the things I do, even if it does put a smile on my face deep down inside I still hate myself. In my head I had so many racing thoughts about trying to convince myself that I want to die and just how people are going to think after I die. I got up and I found some Advil in the cabinet that my mom forgot to put away with all the rest of medication, sharps, alcohol, etc. I said to myself you are a pussy, you will not. So I did it, and I was ready to end my life. I took a ton of Advil along with my evening dose of Lexapro that is given to me day by day.An hour later, nothing happened to me. I felt as if I never took down almost half a bottle of pills. My stomach did not hurt and I never threw up. Well it turns out the pills were expired. After my parents found out what was going on, I told them I wanted real help and they said the hospital was not real help and that they are not going to do nothing for you the but just drug you and control when you speak, when you walk, and when you blink. From all these shows and movies, they think what they see in the movies is true and are thinking they are going to put me in a stray jacket and a padded room. They did not want to take me because it would of showed that I went to the hospital for an suicide attempt but they were more worried than that rather than getting me the help that I need.In the past I was in outpatient for six weeks so I do not see why going back to a mental health center or hospital cannot be an option for my recovery. My parents refused to take me to the hospital for my suicide attempt.",Suicidal +24115,"This is a lot, and a long story, the past 3 months have been so hard and I do not know how to deal. This is a vent but also just trying to have someone understand what I have been through I guess. I have dealt with depression (along with OCD and GAD) my entire life, I have self-helped for a decade and started dealing with it more seriously 3 years ago going to therapy. Life has taken a big turn in the past year and I am having trouble processing. Obviously Covid has been a big thing, lost my favourite job bartending at a music venue which was something I was super passionate about and loved. I made a big move to try and start fresh. I was having health issues and while not pinpointing what was wrong with me I was told I may be infertile, which was a lot. Bought an AMC and started working on it as a project while I was not working and that brought me joy. Then while dealing with my health, found out I was pregnant. Bam. was not sure what to do, and I just could not go through with a procedure, and although hopeful made sure I made the decision knowing I might be alone in doing it. My sister was extremely supportive. I found a good job, got promoted and found a new roommate who was super excited about living with a baby as my roommate at the time was not sure and that was totally fair. I did everything I could to secure our future. My roommates parents bought a place for rental income and investment, I painted 2 rooms 8 months pregnant because it was not freshly painted or new. Made the place my own, set it up beautifully before baby was here. Spent my savings on new furniture and everything the baby could need. Everything was looking pretty bright, and then I started labour. It went on for 84 hours of active labour, I had absolutely terrible care in the hospital, my epidural failed, the first doctor dealing with me did not tell me anything or helped, and on the 83.5 hour a female obstetrician knew I would needed a C-section LONG ago. It was so traumatic, and I am so happy he made it here healthy and happy. I hated being in the hospital and I left as soon as they let me, I was sleep deprived and not sane to leave, let alone physically capable after that surgery. When I got home I had no help, I could not move, and I felt so helpless. My new roommate left the place a mess while I was in the hospital and I was not okay. Found out my mom relapsed for the first time in many many years after she did not come help me and left me alone in my bed crying for 8 hours, and acting very strange. My roommate ended up being a piece of shit, and told me to leave 2 weeks after my surgery where I could not walk because I was pushing myself cleaning up after her, and doing everything myself because she needed a break. I had to travel and push myself even further. My sister who was previously so supportive abandoned me. I was totally alone. When I came back home, my roommate put all this dangerous ant killer dust everywhere on every window sill, wall, ledge, and was spraying Raid in the air like air freshener because of a few ants, that I never even saw. She would not clean it up even though it is dangerous to breathe in for an adult let alone a newborn. She then proceeded to spray Raid outside my room at 3am, knocking on my door to show me one ant at 3am to try and prove she was in the right. I had to give my month notice as she would not clean it up. I could not live like that. I left again, it was not safe for me to be there, my breathing and coughing was insane. I had pushed myself so hard that I started bleeding terribly, got an insane fever and had to go to the hospital alone. It was a week after my 1 month notice and I was just going to clean up the ant dust myself so I could pack my things etc. But when I got home every single item I owned was put on my bed, on the floor of my room and it was completely uninhabitable. My dishes, every single last item in storage, in the living room, groceries, laundry room etc. I had a full blown meltdown and just asked her how she could do this to a new mom, a single mother at that, she begged me for forgiveness, said she was so sorry about everything she put me through and since I could not live there that she would give my rent back. I packed everything and put it into storage, moving truck, and supplies it all cost me so much. She played nice and asked me what she could do etc. As soon as I was gone she and her parents (landlords) blocked me and denied my promised rent back. Legally because I had given my notice, I cannot do anything. So I have been couch surfing with a newborn for 2 months. My dad's gf has ALS and he suggested we find a place together so I could save some money, now I am caretaking a newborn and her. With all this stress and instability my anxiety is through the roof, my OCD back tenfold, and I feel like an absolute failure for my son. All his clothes in storage outgrew, all the new things I bought with my savings a waste. Just living out of bags. Then I had an extremely painful gallbladder attack as a cherry on top. Because storage is in another city I still do not have my things and will not even be able to fit it in the new tiny place, just a small room for me and my son. it is just too fucking much. I feel so ostracized and alone because of Covid, just being a parent and not able to do anything, I have been sober because I am breastfeeding so cannot even cope unhealthily for even a night. I cannot afford therapy, I do not have any real help. My doctor think my depression and anxiety are fine because my baby is healthy so it cannot be that bad. I do not know where to start. I love him so fucking much, and he is my world but I feel like I have not even been able to just enjoy being a mother and I feel so fucking robbed of the experience I know it should have and could have been. If I did not have him, I know I would not be here today. I am tired of being strong, I do not feel strong. I cannot stop crying, I am exhausted, I am hurt. Thank you if you read this all, and I do not know what I am expecting but I am not doing okay. I have always dealt with depression fairly well but life keeps throwing so much more and I do not know how to handle it",Depression +24116,"So I recently lost my dream job. I was fired because I am going to court over a class D Misdemeanor. I am trying to get back in that field, but one interview turned me down. I have another tomorrow but I am trying not to get my hopes up.I am struggling to pay bills. Everything is late. And I cannot talk to anyone I know about this. I am very depressed. My apartment is a wreck, I used to be so happy playing some of the games I love. Now, nothing makes me happy anymore. I am not suicidal, I promise I am not. I am just... depressed and I need a win. Nothing makes me happy anymore.",Suicidal +24117,"I feel like shit. I am shit. I constantly feel like shit and I hate everything. Wtf is this. Why do I exist? what is the reason behind all of this? I feel like shit and that is because I am shit. Pls do not care about a worthless, useless piece of shit like me. I do not deserve anything good. I need to die Yes I am",Depression +24118,Its painful waking up every morning acting like everythings alright. I just want to cry! I am sick of dealing with life ; (,Depression +24119,"EVERYTHING reminds me of love now.I do not want to go outside, because everywhere you go, people are out there with their partners and kids. Every book you read has some sort of love story, or characters hooking up with each other.You turn on the TV to watch something, and you see a promo for a dating show, where people talk about how sweet and kind their partners are.You visit a subreddit on a completely unrelated topic, and someone says something like ""look what my wonderful boyfriend got me for my birthday!""You watch a video on suicide, and people talk about how they have no-one to talk to, except their loving husband.I have had one really bad experience with someone I had a crush on, and one friend in my entire twenty-six years. that is it.If a miracle happens, and I find someone, that is really nothing special. it is pathetic. For most people it does not have to be a feat of epic proportions.there is literally NO escaping other people's love. Love makes the world go around. If I do not like that, then obviously I am not meant to be here. Constantly reminded of why I should not be here.",Suicidal +24120,I am living by myself for the past week and I realized how alone I am without people living with me and just solidified my thoughts of being an afterthought. I feel like my friends always invite me last or just do not think of me at all. Whenever I ask them to do something they say no to me and do their own event. Now that I am sitting here in an empty house it just makes me feel worse.Why cannot I just be okay? I want a life where I am not constantly depressed or have someone to at least help me out sometimes.How do you cope with depression when no one is there for you? Why does depression like to hit me worst when I am alone?,Depression +24121,"What can I say..Um, after graduating college.. My parents became abusive and I am left with bruises on my legs..My only two friends stopped talking to me and became friends with my ex.My ex did revenge porn on me and showed my family and friends on Facebook.He then left me for someone who is younger and more talented than me.I have a STD and so that takes me out of the dating pool.I wish to kill myself because there is nothing left but me feeling extremely resentful..evil..and bitter.Instead of being a an asshole and giving someone hell because it was brought to me.. I will take myself out.Thanks for your time..Goodbye. Thinking of commiting suicide in the next couple weeks.",Suicidal +24122,"I was told crying is feminine and I trained my mind to believe crying is weak. I broke down a few days ago after a four, nearly five year streak of not crying. I felt so angry at myself and continued apologizing to myself and saying, I am sorry Brian, I could not take it. Is it really feminine to cry and weak?",Depression +24123,I am drained. They all just keep taking. LNF,Suicidal +24124,I am very lucky and successful. However I do not have family or friends and seem to lack an ability to make friends or form relationships despite my best efforts. I have stopped drinking and smoking weed and that has not helped.I have a shotgun upstairs and I feel ending my life may be a valid approach as I doubt I will ever not be alone. There are those that may feel bad about my death but I imagine they will forget about me sooner than later.My only fear at this point is messing it up. I may end it soon.,Suicidal +24125,it is my kids birthday n I feel like I am just a joke as a mother. I am a joke,Depression +24126,"So at the beginning of 2020 I stupidly got married to a woman I was dating for only a month, but that is not what I am here to talk about. A couple of weeks after she moved in she made me get rid of my cats that I loved very much because one of them scratched her daughter. With tears running down my face I crated them and left them with a coworker of mine and have missed them ever since. After getting divorced I reached out to the co worker to ask for the cats back but was told that he lost both of them. I now live with this constant guilt and regret of abandoning them for a woman I should have left when she gave me the ultimatum. Odds are that they are probably dead. They were inside cats all they are lives and probably spent their last days scared, alone, and wondering where me and their sister were. I cannot get over this guilt and honestly I do not think I deserve to get over it. Ill probably live with this for the rest of my life My biggest regret",Depression +24127,"I have the option of moving to a new country, a new state, or killing myself. I think I will kill myself. Do I move to a new country, a new state, or kill myself",Suicidal +24128,"But i do not want to live at the first place. If i kill myself, my religion says i will go to hell because I am not grateful with what God has given me which is life. Now, i do not know what to do. I am stuck in the middle of this terrible world that God created.At one point i just want to leave my religion and believe that there is no hell, and if we die we just become one with the Earth. It feels fairer that way. But, what if hell exists? I do not want to suffer in hereafter too. I am religious and my religion asks me to be thankful God gives us life",Suicidal +24129,"//trigger warning - abuse a lot of stuff happened to me in the last months, actually years, but for some reasons I cannot talk about it with my friends and family, but also I cannot hold it inside of me anymore... I will try to make it short.when I was a really dumb preteen I met a very twisted, depressed sick man who groomed young girls like me at the time (I do not want to go deep into this but I did some really bad things for him, things that a kid should not be doing), he always said that we were what kept him sane and alive, and we believed ofc, and he was not alone, he had this group of other very sick adult man that were not really like him, they did not do the things that he did, they were just some poor depressed man, but being in that social circle has really mess up my head and the way I interact with people.after some years I stopped to meet them but the damaged was already done, I became really scared of things and socially awkward, slowly lost contact with my real good friends, now days I do not even talk with them, and also I stared to really really despise myself, thanks to that I gave up my dream of illustrate books for children because I thought I was not worth it, and things were like that since I finished high schoolnow I need to decide my future, I have no expectations, I cannot escape this cynical way of thinking about the future, and to not help me at all I received the news that that man has committed suicide on may of this year, since then my mind has been at the limit, I think I am getting crazy actually... it is like his ghost keeps following me every where, I cannot focus on anything at all, I do not know what to do anymore!! I cannot talk with my family about this I feel like I am already a big disappointment for them, I do not want to ruin thing even more, and my friends... I do not even talk to them, I do not want to just give them all of my problems like they already do not have their own, the only person I could talk about this was with another girl that I knew at that time, but she is as bad as me, is like two mad people talking to each other, so if you read this... thank you so much, you do not even need to answer anything I just wanted to vent to the nothing but with the possibility that someone might hear me. I cannot ask for help",Depression +24130,"I cannot take it anymore. I do not know what I can do other than kill myself. it is not exactly like I want to die, but I just want this to stop, because being dead sounds better than living like this any longer. My social life is almost nonexistent. Nobody cares enough to want my company. I cannot live this life where I am not needed. I am so fucking lonely it is not even funny. I have no hope at all. I have tremendous trouble and anxiety when socializing, and it is almost like a language barrier. I have no drive to become something in the future, and I have no passion left in my body. honestly, as fucked up as it sounds, I almost want to fail to see whether my friends care or not. I feel like a social parasite, a nuisance to anyone I want to socialize with. I am a starving social parasite. My best friend is constantly busy with College work, even though she is my age. I cannot tell her how I feel because that would only burden her. she is the only person I can genuinely talk to comfortably. Even then, she has other best friends that she spends more time with, so she would not be too sad about my death. I do not intend to live much longer. I hope I do not live much longer. I am honestly considering killing myself within these two weeks.",Suicidal +24131,"So I just overdosed on a shit ton of prescription meds, I also had some aleve, Tylenol, Advil, and some alcohol. I also ate a crap ton of vitamin gummies with iron in them, so that will help. Ill just sit here and wait it out for a bit, seeya Its begun",Suicidal +24132,my dumbass took summer school so i have to waste half my summer and today i did school work ALL DAY i genuinely hate this dumb ass class and it makes me want to kms istg today was fucking ass,Suicidal +24133,"&#x200B;he basically gave me hints that ""maybe one day I could be happy with someone else"", and when I mentioned that ""he said it because he want to be happy with someone else"", he did not respond, he did not care or replied: he had never said this to me before. I am numb, very sad but not surprised, life just keeps getting worse, it seems like dealing with shit its my full job on this damn planet, its so daily is my routine! I thought that.... falling in love for the last time could help me. I thought this time it would be different, but it was not. I am so sad, quiet, lonely, and shy about it, I am empty, but now I see that... nothing good happens to me, I know that with all my heart since i was a kid, i knew it again today in my bones. yes, nothing good happens, i do not get better.. now i know. yesterday i was secretly so scared that my boyfriend might not like me anymore but today he did make it so true. i know I am nothin.. many facts abou it... in conclusion i do not deserve life: i was not the one bfore, i never going to be. I am so nothing: that is not drama, that is my daily routine",Suicidal +24134,I have a supportive family. I used to brag about how lucky I was because my family was close to eachother. I have friends and a best friend and I had a job ( I put in my two week notice but they gave me an option to come back and a raise ) yet I have so much emotional stress I cannot live with my self. I am heartbroken because my crush does not like me back I hate myself for mistake of past so many argument with my parents. so many sleepless night for people who would not do the same for me. Is it wrong for me to want to distance myself I do not want to the life I know. I honestly wish I could move somewhere and forget everything just work and sleep no thinking I do not want to think anymore My life is ok,Suicidal +24135,I am not talking necessarily to the suicidal people here but to everyone rhetorically I am tired of the it gets better and you are loved fucking horseshitIt does not get better. No one loves me. No one even wants to talk to me or be around me or be my friend. No one will ever desire me romantically or sexually. It does not ever get better unless you are wealthy or outstandingly good looking. Ever Can we just stop fucking lying to people? I have tried to kill myself 4 times this past year. It did not get better. I have wanted to kill myself since i was in high school. It did not get better. Life is not beautiful. Life is not a gift. Life is NOT worth living. Life is NOT valuable or precious or important. It is never worth living unless you live in extreme comfort and have meaningful people and things to live for. Can we all please fucking admit life is not worth living?,Suicidal +24136,I am scared of the afterlife how do I overcome it? Afterlife,Suicidal +24137,"he basically gave me hints that ""maybe one day I could be happy with someone else"", and when I mentioned that ""he said it because he want to be happy with someone else"", he did not respond, he did not care or replied: he had never said this to me before. I am numb, very sad but not surprised, life just keeps getting worse, it seems like dealing with shit its my full job on this damn planet, its so daily is my routine! I thought that.... falling in love for the last time could help me. I thought this time it would be different, but it was not. I am so sad, quiet, lonely, and shy about it, I am empty, but now I see that... nothing good happens to me, I know that with all my heart since i was a kid, i knew it again today in my bones. yes, nothing good happens, i do not get better.. now i know. yesterday i was secretly so scared that my boyfriend might not like me anymore, buttoday he did it so true. now i know I am nothing. its like many facts about that... in conclusion i do not deserve life: i was not the one bfore, i never going to be. I am so nothing: that is not drama, that is my daily routine,",Suicidal +24138,"I recently moved for college. I definitely had moments where I felt sad in high school and at home, but its never been that bad. I feel really crushes by my expectations. There was this guy I talked to, and I thought that we could really like each other. But I feel like I just liked the idea of him, and I really do not know anything about him. I do not know why I cannot stop liking people. I want a relationship to feel good about myself and to not feel lonely, and I know this could never lead to happiness. The only sense of excitement I feel is when someone likes me back or when I get compliments. I always posts pictures of myself on social media to feel good and so that other can think I am good looking. I do not like who I am now. I feel like I constantly rely on others people validation. I have talents and achievements, but I feel like I do them all to have the ability to say I did them. Or I do things so that I can tell others about them, and they can think that I am talented and good at things. I cannot even enjoy shows, books, or games without feeling like they are all pointless eventually. I do not really know what I like or what I am good at. I do not really know what it means to be happy, and I have always felt this emptiness inside for a really long time. I think too much about school, and I am obsessive about grades. Even when I score badly on a meaningless assignment I feel awful about myself, and I believe that if I do not do well that means that others are better than me. I constantly compare myself to others too. I do not know how to have fun because all I do is worry. I am shy and introverted around people because I worry that they will judge me for what I say, and I always pick my words so that they put me in the best light and so that they will like me. It makes it difficult for me to make friends and go out because I am terrified of what they will think of me. I do not know if I really enjoy anything. Everything in my life feels like a checklist. I do not think about dying a lot, but I do imagine what its like to just be gone. I do not really think ill miss out on anything. I do not see how my life can get better if I do not truly enjoy anything. I know that a lot of the things I do are wrong, but I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to feel good about myself and my achievements or anything I do. Even when I get validation for others, I do not feel better. And it hurts even more when I am rejected or fail. I do not know how to get better",Depression +24139,I cannot finish anything because I just lost half of the pieces. I cannot clean and organize things. They just will not fit into the boxes. Always is something other what does not fit in any. And ruin it. Just cannot decide places to put things down. Its all just chaos. And I lose even things I hold in my hand. I just have no hope to make my place in order. I never was tidy. And have things randomly. But I just cannot finish anything. I feel like I have here demons just waiting for the moment I put something on the table. Just a second and it disappear. Just everything. And it just will not appear in random places. It is mostly gone. I feel like I am just a crazy loser. I tried so many times. To create a nice place. To ignore it and just work with it. And nothing works. And I just lost my will and hope. I am just lost in the chaos. I have no hope. Just want to burn the house down and end my suffering.,Suicidal +24140,Why do I get hurt at the littlest things? Like if my bf goes to play games with his bsf and his gf why do I get so upset? I was doing so good too i started eating again and everything then this happens again. Now I am crying all the time like before and it got even harder to hide. Why I am I so sensitive abt the things people in my life do? My depression was almost gone I worked so hard now I am back at square 1 why did this happen again? How do I stop being sensitive? I do not know what is wrong anymore,Depression +24141,"my name is nissa jones and I am 18 years old (my english is not great, sorry) . currently, it is 11:44pm as I am writing this. when i was 6 years old, i had sex with my big brother (he was 10) and it continued till i was 12 years old. i used to idolize my big brother a lot and did everything he said even though i knew it probably was not ok. when i figured out what we were doing was wrong and i did not want to do it anymore, he used to bargain with me to have sex with me by saying ""if you \[do something gross\] you can play with me"", or ""if you do this i will draw"", etc, etc. i did it and it made me feel dirty and guilty every time. i was not able to tell my parents and I am still not able to. he still lives with us and everyday it feels like i have to peel my skin off me, i really feel so dirty and disgusting. I have been homeschooled all my life, i have no irl friends, i have no one to talk to except online friends but even they are not around. they do not care if i feel this way. because of this I have resulted to self-harming to where it turned to tiny scratches then bruises, then cuts, then both, etc. i had a boyfriend online but talking to him is like talking to a wall. he was there, he bought me things. it was nice. until it was not anymore. he is a good person but my mind is not in the right place to be with someone so loving and it makes me feel guilty for dragging it so long and making him feel like it is all his fault. i really am a terrible person. i recently got a job that i was excited for but today was something bad. i was working with my coworker carlos and i asked if he wanted to be friends and shook his hand but i did it too long and it was so awkward. he made this weird look at me and it was the same look my brother had. it was gross. i felt gross. i went to the bathroom and i cut myself over and over i always wear long sleeves so no one knew. I have thought about suicide for a long time but each time i had a bit of hope things will get better or things will turn around, you know, classic sayings like that. things never got better, things never will get better, and no one can save me. i can only save myself but i cannot even do that, so what is the point? I am making this for just one ounce of hope from anyone because truthfully i do not want to think this way... i just wanted to be normal and do normal things. I am overweight, my skin is so dark and dirty, everything around me is dirty, my house, my dogs, my room, everything. everything is so filthy and gross. I am so filthy and gross. my parents do not care for me or how i feel neither do the people around me. i thought maybe if i died they will finally see me for who i really am. and maybe they will. goodbye suicide note",Suicidal +24142,"6 months ago I could tell it was getting worse. I do not see any end to this loneliness. Or my ugliness. I cannot give my kids what they want, a dad and happiness etc. I am worthless. I am in the way. And now every day for a month or two I just get this feeling like I am 100 years old inside and exhausted and I just want to feel no more. No more loneliness or rejection or loss or grief or sadness or stress or fear or emptiness. Its so weird because I believe in God and all He stands for and o must be a fucking loser which does not surprise me because I am like ouchies I want to be done Eff me TW every day I just feel like I want it to end",Depression +24143,I feel like a burden to everyone around me. I have always had a little bit of seasonal depression and that was that. But now its just gone from January to now and I feel like I am never going to get better so what is the point? People expect you to get a solution and just fix it but I just cannot. I am so tired I just want to lay down and melt into the ground. I do not have to be on top of the world or anything I just want to feel stable and less alone. I am at the end of my rope,Depression +24144,I am thinking about using a couple of charcoal barbecues and sleeping pills and finally having that big sleep. Is there a sub or resource for suicide methods?,Suicidal +24145,I have had to fight my whole life. If anyone wants to read my final thoughts they need the basic ability to look for clues but since they missed them my whole life I guess they will never know. God bless my dad lending the slide lock to someone. I am just so tired of fighting and I want to rest. My letters are written and encrypted,Suicidal +24146,"so basically whenever i get into a really really low state with constant suicidal thought and actions, i feel like I am not me. i do not know really how to explain it but i feel like the person that is in that state of mind is not me. almost like I am possessed or something inside of me is taking control while my ""normal"" state of mind tries to gain control again. after i usually feel fine, like it never even happened. but i get scared of that person when I am in a horrible state of mind. lmk if anyone relates or has any idea what that could mean. I am confused",Suicidal +24147,"I have been in a very toxic relationship where I was the toxic one for the majority. I have been the toxic person in most relationships and now everything is haunting me. Even if he were to forgive me. I will not be able to forgive myself. Killing myself seems like the easy and cowardly way out. I am currently going to therapy. That has not helped. I thought I had changed over the past few months but I have not. what is the point of doing small little goods when you cue it with a massive fuck up.I cannot go around blaming myself everyday. I cannot fight it. I cannot fight any of it. Please let me die. Please someone help me die.A diary entry I wrote yesterday.I go to sleep. Dream of having you around again?Lies. How can a person who lies to themselves ever call their self honest.I want to die. I cannot do this. I do not want to live this time around. I do not want to fight it. I do not I am not even thinking of why we broke up, its just all gone. AgainAnd againI hate myself. You were right. I am disgusting. I do not have it in me to fix myself. I just wish I could make you forget me. That I would somehow just go extinct. Like I never existed. Like we never met. Lije I never hurt you. What is my existence worth now? What drives me? What am I supposed to prove? What am I supposed to save? there is nothing left. Nothing of my own. Rather nothing that I want to own. I do not want those actions to be mine. I do not want the responsibility to be mine. Id rather die. I want to die. But I cannot. I cannot hurt you anymore. Even dying is selfish right now. I end my own suffering and then what?I hate myself I hate myself ugh I want to rip my skin away. No that is not enough. I want to be decimated till my very last quark. I love you I love you I loved you. Why why whyTheres not even a struggle to call mine. I have nothing. Nothing. there is no one else to blame for any of this. I hate myself but is not this a kind of self pity too? Some kind of self preservation I do not want it. do not need it. I want to perish. Just rot away. Be forgotte. Ill take these memories with me to the grave. I do not want to forget any of this. But I do not want to exist for any one else beyond this. I am sorry. Everything still sounds empty. I do not have my words either. I do not have my voices everything just feels like it was supposed to be yours and I defiled it: I am tired of fighting it",Suicidal +24148,it is affecting me everyday when I keep telling myself that it will be ok. How to move on faster from being disappointed often by girls rejection,Depression +24149,"I feel like if I ask my parents for help and therapy they would brush it off, if I ask other family they would mock me and brush it off too. I have no idea how to ask for help without throwing everything I have left away. cannot bring up the strength to ask for help",Suicidal +24150,"i do not know how long this is going to be, I am just going along with all the thoughts in my brain. i feel so entrapped and alienated from everyone else. being autistic, depressed, psychotic, and generally a mess. the society i have been born into normalizes mental illness, while also stigmatizing it at the same time, i am a complete outcast, and the little people i do talk to, only talk to me out of pity. I have never felt noticed for anything in my life. I have always been an amateur, someone who just blended into the crowd and did not seem different at all, and at the same time, i do not fit into the crowd, when spoken to, i act like a complete fucking retard. so generally, people do not approach me. all i do is pity myself, make myself feel bad about myself, and then make others pity me too, I am selfish, a narcissist, manipulative, it makes sense why friendships, or relationships, never last, because I am simply a horrible person. that reality makes me want to give up on everything, it makes me feel like everything i do, everything i work hard for, and everyone i try to make happy, means nothing in the end, because i am simply a morally horrible, and mentally sick person. i cannot help but feel like everyone is after me, like they secretly hate me and just tell me that they love me when they do not, and it strains my relationship so much, i just want to be loved, i want to be a good person who deserves to be cared for. WHY do i have to be this way. why do i have to be such a horrid fucking person. though, I am still appreciative of the people who spend their time to make me feel happier, if i ever get successful and happy, it is 100% thanks to them. crippling loneliness, a feeling of wanting to be noticed, and not fitting in with people who are 'like me'",Depression +24151,"Hey, I know ur an asshole. Hope there is nothing but a cold blanket around you. Cuntbag. Flaquitachuleta",Suicidal +24152,"I am fucking convinced the universe placed me here to be a loser extra in a high school movie. I grew a Jehovahs Witness and its horrible. I am not allowed to have friends from school or just befriend anyone who is not another Jehovahs Witness, as a result I am awkward as fuck and have very bad social skills, I only have/had two friends. One of them I talked to more, he constantly made fun of me for not having friends and a girlfriend, he called me retarded and made me feel bad because he thought the way I was just walking looked weird. I was constantly getting called autistic etc. This contributed significantly towards my anxiety of social interaction, I can barely have a casual conversation without freaking out in my head and worrying that I look stupid. It got to a point where I was so anxious during the school year I did not say my name when the teacher was taking attendance because my anxiety was making fear I was going to look stupid, even though I just had to say one fucking word. After my freshman year ended this june. My other friend just ghosted me gradually, I essentially have no one except my internet friends. But there is more, I have become more and more distant to my remaining internet friends after I was banned from a server because the owner did not like my personality. I essentially have no one now, its just me. The only thing that is my escape is music, I feel slightly a bit more okay while I am listening to my favorite songs. I want to leave the religion I am stuck in my but I would be heavily shamed / guilt tripped for doing so by my mom. I would feel really bad, I know religion is her only way to cope with life and the only reason why she lives. She would be devastated if she found out I was leaving, so its either my happiness or my moms, I guess I have chosen my moms because I do not want to take everything that would come at me for leaving. I am not excited to begin sophomore year in august, I hope I kill myself before it begins. I cannot FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE",Suicidal +24153,"I have social anxiety, ADHD and possibly depression. Its all so much to handle. Everyday is the exact same. Talking to no one except my family, pretending to be okay and then breaking down at the end of the day. I am always asking myself what the purpose of me living is because I do nothing all day and I am a failure. I have pushed all my friends away from me. Its getting worse and worse but for some reason I keep denying that I most likely have depression. I had the chance to get help and instead I lied so I would not get diagnosed with it. I am just so obsessed with trying to be perfect and my family already makes me feel like crap for not being their definition of normal. there is just so much going on in my life and I cannot take it anymore. This is probably the first time that I have truly felt done and like I was ready to give up, but then I think of everything that ill miss if I die. One minute I feel perfectly fine but the next minute everything just hits me and I break down. I cannot even do simple tasks lately. I know that I am ready to get help but I keep stopping myself. I cannot even talk to someone about this face to face without crying. I am just so emotionally exhausted and my own mom does not take me seriously life feels like a chore",Depression +24154,"I keep switching between two paths on life ending it all, or actually trying. I am just afraid that if I try to be successful and fail, Id because more pain on others than if I end it right now. cannot decide future",Suicidal +24155,"I have already tried to kill myself twice, once in 5th grade and again in 8th. As of right now I plan on trying again. My whole life I have struggled with my confidence and my image. On one hand I have been pretty good in life, I am not bad with women I think I am charismatic and I think people like me. I do not have a tough past or anything I should not feel the way I do about myself. I want to kill myself because I am wasting my time in life I am not doing the things that I love and instead I am rotting away at school. I feel like an outcast from my friends because I feel that I am more mature than them. I feel alone and out of place and I have felt this way my entire life. I always fuck up the shit that I got too. I had a relationship with a girl who loved me but my own insecurity fucked it up and now she is fucking my friend. that is all that I can think about how I fucked up and she is fucking my friend. I am a fucking loser and an embarrassment. I do not deserve my life I keep fucking up. I keep letting my height or my looks get in the way of what is important to me. I know I can move on but whenever I try I always get too into my own head and letting my insecurities tell me she will will not respond or she will think I am ugly and make fun of me. I am too much of a pussy and do not deserve to live. I am struggling with myself",Suicidal +24156,"I want to just fall asleep and never wake up the whole world would just drift away and I would finally be happy, but I always wake up. Sleep",Suicidal +24157,"If I die it will because too much pain to those around me so I just could not do that although I think about it everyday, I just do not see the point in this shit anymore.I have a great life, I have supportive parents that I have good relationships with, I have wealth and do not have to worry about money, I am almost upto date with all my school work but this is not me bragging I just feel ungrateful because I want to throw it all away. I just wish I never existed and never entered everyone is life or that someone could take over my life that would appreciate it more than me. I do not have any reason to be sad yet here I am sad everyday living my life pretending I am ok so nobody around me has to worry about me. I do not think I am pushed to suicide yet as I think 1% of me likes to believe things will get better but it is been like this for 6 years and I do not know if I can do another 6 of it, at that point it is like what is the point in living if nothing gets better. For the trolls that tell people to kill themselves fuck you. do not want to die but I wish I never existed",Suicidal +24158,"I do not really know why I am making this post because I do not know what I have in mind for it. I feel like this will help but I do not know. I am dealing with a very, very horrible situation and just need someone that I can say some things to and possibly get your advice? I do not even know if I can get advice on it but it does not hurt to post this I do not know what I need.",Suicidal +24159,"So, I even feel bad about myself for having to write this ir order to feel as if I have someone to speak about this stuff, it seems as if people that say to be your friends use your weaknesses whenever they have a chance to hurt you if you let them know about them, I have chronic low back pain for 10 years now, done physical therapy and all, have tried different diets, supplements etc, nothing has worked, on top of that I am in law school, and now I do not have the will power or i think even the capacity to learn all of that like normal people do, its as if the depression I have felt through my whole life has shattered my brain, my hippocampus must be so small by now I understand subjects relatively quick but I forget so much so fast at least if I got my degree my parents would stop watching me suffer like a fucking looser, I tend to perceive how sorry they must feel for me, at least I am not a drug addic. I try to get better but with no success, I study, I lift weights and nothing changes, maybe I should study more but there comes my crippling add with rumination to fuck up my studying ambitions, at least I have a girlfriend that really cares for me, but how long will she withstand to be with a fuck up with add, chronic pain, chronic depression? I feel like if I knew no one would suffer I would just kill myself; but I could not do that to the people that care about me, so I am stuck here, And I know that there are people out there that have it so much more difficult, but for me this feels like impossible to get better, I feel like a burden, useless, helpless On not being able to get better",Depression +24160,"I know not many people will care to read this, but I am still alive I guess.Anyone else feeling so dead inside?Like you are waiting for something to push you further in life, or off a cliff? I am still alive",Suicidal +24161,i do not want to go home. i wish i was not here. this hospital bed could have been used by somebody in need. i would not have wasted so much money and time and hard work if i just fucking succeeded. i do not want to go home. as soon as I am home I am going to try again. keep trying until the job's finally done. i do not care how long it will take. returning home from the hospital after attempting some time ago.,Suicidal +24162,Suicide=peace Peace,Suicidal +24163,"Self loathing is too mild to describe the way I feel about myself. I despise myself. I do not deserve happiness and others do not deserve the burden of having me in my life. I am a black cloud, all I do is make others miserable and tether them to a life of mundanity. Now I am my 30's, I have never been in a relationship and have no friends. Anyone else have a similar experience? I am not really sure why I posted. I just wanted to vent I suppose. Maybe I regret what I have done, but I know that the people I shunned are probably better off and never give me a seconds thought. I ""ghost"" anyone who gets close to me.",Suicidal +24164,"I do not see a reason not to. I am literally garbage. I am not good at anything.. I do not ""excel"" at anything.. I have no one in my life despite me trying desperately. I mean.. I literally let someone catfish me. I knew it was happening. I confirmed it. I ignored it. 6 months of on and off talking/texting, exchanging pictures... I could never get her to meet or video chat. But I still kept talking to her. And I *still* want her in my life. I am so fucking desperate for anyone. It does not help that I fell madly in love with her...how could I not? No one has ever listened to me like her. No one has ever made me so happy by just..talking to me. Accepting me for who I was. I genuinely felt loved and cared for. I just wanted it to be real so badly...But tonight I think that is finally ended. She claimed she was coming over, and then poof, disappeared on me. This is not the first time. I pretty much *expected* it to be honest. But it does not change the fact that it hurts when that time rolls around that we are supposed to meet and she does not show up. It does not matter. it is just proof of what a pile of shit I am. I am so unlovable, unfuckable, and ugly that the only person who could ever ""love"" me is a catfish. The only person I have ever loved... is a fucking catfish. I have not had a relationship in 4 years. I have not been physical with anyone in 10. This was literally the closest thing I will ever get to a real relationship again.Why was I born? What good am I? Am I literally on this planet to entertain the more fortunate and provide their joke material? What is the point of it all? I do not provide anything to anyone or anything but myself and my dog (who seemingly hates me). All I do is consume and take. I will never get married. I will never give my parents grand children. I am going to die alone anyways..why should not I just skip the torture and end it now? I should just change my name to trash",Depression +24165,"Sometimes I think about gathering all the resources I can and just disappearing. Living as long as I can homeless, and then ending it when I am out of resources and done. Disappearing",Depression +24166,"I have been depressed for the past 6 months, I thought things will start looking up now but they are not. they are getting much worse. I have to give away my dog, my support, my only happiness, how will I ever be okay? I cannot stop hurting, I have been swimming in anxiety and this fucking sadness. It does not get better",Depression +24167,"I tried, I really did. Life just is not for me. How many years must I suffer before I gain the courage to off myself? I really wish getting a gun is easier. I should not have been born, I was a mistake. Life is not for me and no it does not get better",Suicidal +24168,"I am starting to think that I may need to start seeking mental help. But I think my family will not take it right. When they hear about suicide on the news they talk about how crazy they must be to do it, and I act like I agree so I do not seem off. I am just afraid of how they are going to take it if I ask for help. Id like to not be thrown in a facility and only be seen as the guy who is sad all the time. :/ Not sure how to reach out.",Suicidal +24169,"I tried, I really did. Life just is not for me. How many years must I suffer before I gain the courage to off myself?I really wish getting a gun would be easier. It does not get better.",Suicidal +24170,"why am I so empty? I just want to be happy but I do not feel anything anymore. I just feel like nothing. A floating blob existing in this world to just exist. Sometimes, I wonder if it would really matter if I was not here anymore. I really do not contribute much to anyone or anything. I am literally a background character in peoples lives. I am no one favorite person, I am no ones anything. I am not even my familys anything. I am just a blob existing to simply exist so why am I wasting others people time and energy by being around? I have no purpose so what is the purpose of still being alive then? I feel so empty",Depression +24171,"the only reason i have not killed myself is because i believe there is nothing after death and I am afraid that it will not be any sort of peace since you have to exist to feel peace and I am terrified that the last thing I feel will be what i feel for eternity. but all i think about is suicide. I have zero passion or motivation, my brain is a constant fog, i cannot even force myself to move my body half the time, if it were not for my parents i would be homeless in a ditch somewhere. i cut off all my friends and isolated myself, the idea of being around people is unpleasant to the point of excruciating. And terrifying. I am too anxious to be around anyone. I have been self isolated for almost 2 years and I have forgotten how to socialize. I use alcohol sometimes when I am desperate to combat it but now it just makes me feel overall worse. I lost all my creativity. I am too anxious to talk to anyone. I just had an insane freak out outburst of sorts and my dad tried to fight me then all but disowned me. I could not control it and i never can. I feel nothing but guilt, shame, misery, hopelessness and nothingness 24/7. Nothing else. My default is utter despair. I genuinely would be dead if I was not more scared of death than i am a life of torture. Even if it were literal physical torture constantly I would still be too afraid to end it. But I am pretty much already dead. I may as well be. I am a ghost. I cry all the time and when I am not crying its just because I am too empty to. I feel like my brain and my life is ruined. I have sabotaged myself and my relationships and the flicker of a life i almost had because I am weak, pathetic and something in me is fundamentally broken. I just want to die. I cannot focus on anything ever. I get the most rapid mood swings from empty to sad to bored to rage. I get addicted to and abuse any substance I try. I cannot do anything. I shower once every few months. I am posting this so i can focus on something instead of staring at a wall and crying. I do not know why. I know nobody gives a shit. because I sure do not. Fuck it i might as well be dead",Depression +24172,"I do not sleep well, I do not have friends, my girlfriend is unhappy a lot of the time, I have not worked for 5.25 years. Everyday, I feel more disconnected, totally numb and just want it to end. Completely indifferent to any state of being. A dark place",Depression +24173,"It feels like the world has left me behind I lost my everything in the past couple days Id be on the street if it was not for my friend letting me stay with him. I am very thankful but I lost my companion/my best friend because of my mental illness I guess she just got tired of me like everyone else doesI felt like I was finally making progress and then I lost it all. I am ready to go I am ready to embrace the peace and comfort of leaving this flesh prison and freeing myself from it all. If only I had spent more time doing things for me and not for everyone else maybe Id have a fighting chance but I am so tired and so ready to just go. I was only ever meant to be a support. I have outlived my purpose and I will serve only as a statistic and reminder to always pay attention to yourself and to make sure you are heard because nobody will speak up for you. I have lost the fight but that does not mean its too late for you, will you make my final wish come true and tell someone if you find yourself in my shoes? Seriously depressed and lonely",Suicidal +24174,"I cannot stop dreading about going to work. I cannot stop worrying about what my next job will be or what career I should go into. I cannot stop being self conscious around other people. I cannot stop analysing pretty much everything that I have ever done or said. Every single night I struggle to sleep because my brain will not stop. I think I am incapable of being in a relationship, because I do not understand why anybody would want me. I know that I need more help and yet I am worried about going back to the doctor's. I feel like I am just wallowing in self-pity and that I am weak and pathetic. I still cannot get over my dad's suicide and I think I am going to go down the same path at some point. And yet I cannot stop thinking that there is not a point in anything. I cannot stop worrying and yet there is no point? I do not understand myself, but there is one thing I do understand. I feel like shit and I do not like myself. I am sick of life",Depression +24175,My depressed friend two weeks ago told me that its better for us to stop talking and asked me to stop texting her because she thinks she is toxic. After that I told her I do not find her toxic and that I am grateful for having her in my life. I went a week without talking with her at all then I talked to her at the gym as if nothing happened. Fast forward a week I texted her saying I was thinking of her since I had not seen her at the gym. She replied me normally. was it the depression clouding her mind when she asked me to not talk to her again ? Did I do the right thing ?,Depression +24176,I look pretty young for 28 and everytime I talk with new people at my work I am shocked how young they are and how much more advanced they are in life. Just heard that some asian guy at my work is 18 and he already got promoted 2 times. I really feel like I am a pathetic weasel. I mean I have this job to pay my rent and focus on my personal goals but how do people get so motivated at such a young age? I think about all the things I fucked up in my Life... Why do I feel so fucking old at 28?,Depression +24177,"I told one goddamned person about my depression, and now everyone and their mother wants to check up on me. I do not want to be the centre of attention. It just makes me feel so selfish. Just leave me alone. do not trust anyone",Suicidal +24178,"I just want to explain how fucking terrible I feel. I am young, a 20y Female who generally has had mental health struggles since childhood due to being diagnosed and treated with severe clinical depression and lots of trauma from a variety of areas. I made it through no friends and lacking support systems, and the many misdiagnoses from a variety of adults. I have failed at getting into my dream career of joining the military ( which I know is such a stupid thing to be sad about but I had no other plans and could not afford college on my own.) I starved and had developed a eating disorder to still miss by 1.5 inches per the standards.I managed to recover from that. I somehow managed to sit through a pandemic and be kind and caring even when it felt like I was the last bit of kindness left. I had gotten an apartment and spent the entire year and some change in quarantine. Yet here I am so angry, and exhausted, and hurt I literally could end it all and I do not think I would mind. I have seen the people I care about, what feels almost like the final time, I have given them the quiet goodbye, I hope they do not figure it out. I am ready to go, I am ready to stop and be at peace for once. I am ready. I want to die. And as I am typing this I am unsure if anyone will care, and I do not have any plans that matter enough to keep me here, I think, maybe it will hurt my parents, and my best friend who have all lost important people to this demon before. But I am tired of fighting it everyday as it gets stronger, my hands shake, and every morning I cry wishing this would all end. I am laying my sword down. I am giving up. Everything is bleeding and my bones are broken, and I am alone. And I do not want to fight myself anymore. I have been in this place before, but now there is no real reason to keep going this time.",Suicidal +24179,"I am promising this because I have experienced it.On Monday, I attempted suicide, and now I was being serious. Before this attempt, I had only self harmed and overdosed in small amounts. On Monday I drank an entire bottle of sleeping pills. I was seriously going to die.While I was still conscious, I started feeling regret. For the first time in 2 years, I realized that my problems did have a solution and a date. They were eventually going to end, but committing suicide was the only mistake I was not able to retract from.I felt regret. I felt treater for all the things I did not do. I felt regret for leaving my loved ones behind. I did not have enough strength to call 911, so I just blacked out praying because I still wanted to live. Miracles happen, and me being able to write this is one of them.I did not die. I cannot explain how. I drank 100 pills, did not go to the hospital, and somehow managed to survive.Today, one of my friends called me. She even invited me to a trip.I thought I was alone. I thought no one cared about me. It turned out to be false. People care. I only had to wait 2 days more.If I had died on Monday, I would have died believing a lie. I would have died thinking that my life was doomed. I would have just died in vain.Please, stay strong, and know that fighting is worth it. Things get better, I promise. They got better for me. They can get better for you too.",Depression +24180,"Every since I started working at a factory I was depressed. I could not handle it anymore so I decided to quit and try agricultural job, as a part-time, in the very country side of my country. Like growing potatoes and rice. Do you think living in nature and doing some farming will help with my depression and anxiety? I might stick with it if I like it. I am going to try agricultural job in the country side",Depression +24181,"Well that is it...he told me he does not give a fuck and blocked me in everything ,and yet I still hope and pray for a different outcome.I just want to die already it is not worth the fucking pain.It might be tonight if I am lucky . Love is for hopless romantics I guess...like me...we never get what we want . Limerence making me want to end it .",Suicidal +24182,"I am ranting on here cuz I know no one's going to see this but can I just die cuz honestly I truly tried to be a confidence, positive Nigga this year and all it got me was two bitches who took advantage of me and clean me out of my money cuz of my damn nativeish......plus I am 25 and still a virgin and the only woman who wanted to take my virginity is just fake asf......i had to lied to my closet friends and family cuz I am embarrassed of my damn self.....I literally just low key love and hate myself Should I just stop existing",Depression +24183,"I want to cling to life and be clinged to by life, but I also want to let go. My hands hurt from clinging to this ledge for so long; my fingers popped out of place, I feel some rope-burn and rash, and it is just getting slippery. I have no control when hanging on, but letting go is all my decision ... If I let go, I have the power. But Mom is at work and she would be disappointed, angry, and blame herself. And Dad and his gf would feel bad too. My brothers would probably take it the hardest secretly. My poor puppy, I was supposed to care for him. But my pain is about me ... I am tired of it being made about everyone else. I am done hurting. I never got to do anything on my bucket list ... I never travelled, I did not even graduate. I never finished writing my story ... And yet, I feel like I have to do this I am going to do it",Suicidal +24184,"I am embarrassed to write posts bc my posts do not really get any recognition now so i end up just deleting them 5 mins after writing them lol idk why I am writing this i just have nobody to talk to at all but I am cringing rn just writing it. i need 2 get a journal or therapist bc the only way anyone would listen to my problems is if they were getting paid to do so or if they r an inanimate object who cannot say shit to me about being a whiney baby anywaysi have 1 friend who has ditched me bc he recently met someone on tinder. he will literally only talk to me when he is not occupied with some guy hes seeing/talking to, whenever one does not work out within a week he has someone else so this happens all the time. I have never had a real true friend who has my back n i honestly believe at this point I have never experienced authentic relationships or friendships bc every one I have ever had has been fucked up n I am convinced I am incapable of loving/being loved loli cannot stop eating fucking shit and cannot make myself work out. I am not really in danger of engaging in harmful behaviours i would say, its just posting this type of shit on diet subs receives the wrong type of comments from ppl who do not realise i have an eating disorder I am not even sure if I am in relapse anymore or what its like i just do not give a fuck anymore but I am getting fatter and fatter and its making me more depressed, the only thing that brings me joy or comfort is food, i eat bc I am depressed i get even more depressed when i eat n gain weighti cba to talk to anyone except my friend who is ignoring me, my family text me and i ignore them its a chore to reply to them and exhausting trying to act normal and i cba to tell them about how shit everything is for me rn. it pisses me off bc my friend is studying to be some sort of mental health nurse therapist type person and literally the advice he gives me is to just help myself .... I am starting to really dislike him and resent himall i do is sit at home all day until i have to go to work on fridays saturdays and sundays, its absolutely exhausting because I am shy and quiet and introverted and work with the public in a very intimate job so I am constantly having to be fake and polite and talk to people all day about shit i literally could not care less about all i can think when I am talking to someone is how much i want to be in a quiet room rn by myself and nowhere near them. i finish one shift and I am absolutely drained mentally and physically and completely exhausted. i had a pretty traumatising experience the other week where a guy came in for a massage (i work in a spa) and he got an erection during this and was being really weird with me and inappropriate and its really grossed me out everyone pisses me off and grosses me out I am so spiteful and mean nowadays i cannot stand to be around anyone i have the shortest temper and my patience is non existent whether I am driving, at the supermarket, talking to my friend or family etcat night i cannot sleep because my mind races and I am just so upset and fed up all of the time everyone i do socially interact with i just do not even want to talk to themi have not been on medication for a number of years now which did not even work but considering contacting a doctor and asking to be put on medication bc i do this shit completely alone i do not talk to anyone about shit i do not take medication and I am just fucking sick of carrying all this bullshit on my shoulders 24/7 I am just done n sorry for swearing so much i just cba !! embarrassingly long rant lol",Depression +24185,I just cannot do it anymore. I do not want to watch my kids grow up in seperate homes. I want the time my ex took from me back. I did not get with someone just so they could leave like that. i deserve to be happy to.. why am I not allowed to be happy? I am sick of this. I need to get out of here before I finally cave in and kill myself. I feel like i am getting closer and closer... Because I have no one to talk to,Depression +24186,"I am just so tired of it. Everything I loved and knew is gone and I cannot handle it. I am stuck somewhere I absolutely hate right now. I just want to disappear, but in the words of my ex husband, I do not have the balls to Jill myself.Instead I just wish I could leave and disappear and I do not know. I am tempted to just take off in my car and never come back. I am tired of life and want to disappear",Suicidal +24187,"&#x200B;I am a 26 year old exhibiting clear signs of Parkinsons. Every day, I feel my cognition along with my ability to concentrate decline. I have bouts of dizziness and am struggle to keep up with work. I am not half the person I was just a couple years ago and I know I will soon reach the point where I am unable to work. It is only a matter of time till my declining cognition will expose me at work and that may lead me to getting fired. I do not think I have it in me to get another job. I am not the same person that was originally hired.Cognition is only half the picture. I have increasing stiffness in my legs and it is inevitable that I will get to a point where I will struggle to walk. I do not really know what I have to look forward to. Sure, I work my butt off to get enough money to survive but what happens next ? A life of struggling to do the most basic things ? Become a burden to my parents/family ? I t is morally wrong for me to get married, have children knowing that I have this condition. I cannot fathom put such a large burden on anybody. These are thing that I have I always looked forward to and it hurts me deeply that I will never obtain these.I am basically a zombie amongst the living. I just eat like a pig, try to set myself up to survive, do not really care about much, and just try to enjoy my limited time with loved ones. But living in the moment is not easy with the lingering disease. I am not suicidal as I would not be able to do something like that to my family. As long as I have an obligation to my family, I will always be around, try to be there for them, and enjoy my time with them.I would not wish this horrible fate on anybody where everything someone does is pointless. That brings me to my original question. How do I cope with having no future ? How to cope with having no future ?",Depression +24188,"Thinking of just saying ""fuck it"" and taking all the pills in the house. Maybe not enough to kill me instantly, but hey, I am home alone, I have got time Fuck It",Suicidal +24189,"I can staunch some of the pain by being outside during the day, but when the darkness comes there is no escape. No choice but to sit in my room and be reminded about every single mistake, fuck up and how horrible I have treated myself and others. cannot crawl into bed and sleep comfortable with my body in shambles from neglect both physical and mental. it is just pure pain when the sun sets Nights are the worst...",Depression +24190,"I just turned 25, I have been depressed and suicidal since i was a teen, i really thought Id be gone by now. Birthdays have started to make me anxious, just because i never imagined Id make into my 20s, let alone turn 25.Cheers to another year, i guess! Its my birthday",Suicidal +24191,"DL ""Hello.""Me ""Hello.""DL ""Hello."" ......................................... Me I do not know what to say.DL Okay. ................................DL Is something on your mind?Me Ya, my therapist is ditching meDL Okay, do you want to talk about that, or do you want to avoid the topic?.....................................Like okay I just want to be done now, over it... Fucking just give me psychogenic death ffs life I am over it. I have eaten like 4 times since Friday and otherwise I am crying and dissociating and begging my ex-therapist to change their mind which they are not responding to at all. Have distress lines ever been helpful?",Suicidal +24192,"I have said on here before I deal w/ depressive episodes. Well, I am still going through it, its not the worst its been, though. I still have my job, I have a great family, and I have my boyfriend. As to why I feel this way, I do not know, and that is what is hard. Last night, it all hit me when I thought to myself I have been thinking about wanting to die a lot lately that I think its unhealthy now. I cried myself to sleep, and woke up feeling a tiny bit better. My parents know I have dealt with this multiple times in the past, but they do not know as of right now. I do not want to tell my boyfriend what I am going through because I do not want him to view me as pathetic, or that I am suicidal maniac. Idk. (I have not told him i deal with depression at all). I do not want to worry my parents, or have them ask why do you feel this way? Because Ill have no answer. I always get up and get myself ready, go to work and work my hardest, and act happy with my co workers. I am doing something right because my manager said I was one of her top workers there. On my days off, I make it a point to sit outside and draw, or play with my cat, or simply just enjoy nature. This is so frustrating, I just want to not have this dread around me at all anymore. I always try to distract myself from this feeling and keep myself busy, but it will not go away. I know it will get better, but I want it to get better now. I am tired of this. I am young , I am 18, I have so much to live for. Should I keep this bottled up till it all passes like it always does?.. I have hope, but its been hard.",Depression +24193,"Sorry for the book. I am seriously at the end of my rope and just need to vent. Plus I do not know what to do. I feel so hopeless in life anymore, like anything I try to do to correct it will NEVER work, and I am just going to go on suffering.So I live in a medium density metropolitan area... so while I have many options for therapists, I kept running into those who are not accepting new patients (used the Psychology Today finder). One of them eventually referred me to a Psychotherapy group who has many various counselors/therapists, and it was almost 6 month wait to be seen. I figured, whatever, if I have to wait I might as well start waiting now.I have now had two sessions and my therapist appears to be completely inept and absent. My first appointment I joined virtually. I left work early, went to a park since I have no real privacy elsewhere, and connected in my car using my cell.He was 23 minutes late for the hour-long session. Being among those who have likely experienced self-defeating thoughts, you can imagine how I was sitting there wondering if he forgot, if there was some screw up, then leading to how everything I try goes wrong and never works, maybe I should just give up, etc. I know these thoughts are illogical but they take over when I am left to them.Well he finally shows up and asks what I want to get out of therapy. So I begin to describe my severe anxiety and depression, possibly how it relates to childhood trauma, and how it is affecting my family life. How it is causing major strife visiting family due to friction directly related to it, how I need help dealing with my emotions from it and working through it with my family. Totally started opening up. It was the first time really talking to anyone about this stuff.It was pretty apparent that in 6 months he never actually read the new-patient information I filled out, which described in specific detail all of this. That was the whole intention of the form. He was completely unaware of any of it. But, I did not even care at the time. He was listening and I was hopeful.Beyond that, I picked up on some warning signs when I was describing my trauma, and he asked approximately 4 times, ""and how old were you when that happened""? Twice in a period of about 2-3 minutes, then another couple times when I circled back to the topic. He was not retaining or processing half of what I was saying. But, still he seemed to care and it at least felt good to talk, so I was not overly concerned.He stopped the session at the time it would have stopped if he was on-time, so I really only had half a session.Two weeks later the second session comes. He had invited me to come in, in-person going forward. For some reason this time they would not charge it from my HRA so I had to pay $130 out-of-pocket for the deductible, but that is another story...he is on time this time. I had mentioned I just got out of work and he starts asking questions about work. I thought it was rapport building or whatnot but he began to dig deeper and deeper into work, asking about stressors, etc. This morphed into financial responsibilities, and the stresses those can because, and other related things. After a while I felt it got off the rails. This was not the reason I requested therapy, as stated on my new patient forms and in my first session. But, I figured he is going somewhere with it.Well it ended up with the therapist honing in on responsibilities / finances / obligations causing a weight on my shoulders, and how we can work more on that next time.WTF?I understand he might not remember every little detail from our first session, but it was like he had no clue what I was there for? I left feeling defeated. Realization set in that the first session where I poured my heart out was completely unaccounted for, and that my therapist thinks I am just there for some sort of job/financial stress management.Part of my issues include low confidence and very little assertiveness. People have always walked all over me. As such I could not bring myself to ask any ""confrontational"" questions about whether he recalls the topics of the first session, or why we are not building on those. I just kind of realized it was a loss and that was that.As a couple days went by I began to become more depressed as I felt even more hopeless, and after 6 months of waiting... for this!? For literally nothing!? Then it turned into anger, which is not like me. But I am truly pretty upset that the person I was counting on helping me never bothered to review my initial forms or take notes on what my issues are. That he barely seems to retain information I told him one or two sentences ago, let alone the entire reason I am sitting in front of him.The fuck do I do now? I have not cancelled my third session. I figured maybe I should go at least three times to make sure. But not going to lie, I checked reviews and while there are not many, they said he was the worst therapist they would ever had.I am on medication at least. Thought it has not helped yet. Started with Lexapro which even at the initial dosage, it was making me super ill to my stomach for weeks on end. It did not agree with me.Moved on to Zoloft and it has not really started helping yet, but my stomach is fine now. It had some heavy sexual side effects so my doctor added Wellbutrin about a week and a half ago. Still no change in mood or the side effects but I am hoping this starts to kick in for now. I know it can take a while.Fuck. Waited 6 months for my first psychotherapy appointment. After 2 sessions it was so bad I now feel WORSE",Depression +24194,"I just do not want to feel this heaviness on my chest. My parents abused, neglected and the abandoned me at 16. My mom's boyfriend choked me, the police said they did not have grounds to charge him. I got a full-time job to support myself to be drugged and raped by the owner of the company. Because I was drugged and could not remember him inserting his penis inside me the police yet again apparently could not charge him.2 months later I had nowhere to stay, so I posted on Facebook looking for somewhere to stay and someone I met at a party allowed me to stay there for the night. The next morning I woke up and there was a gun on the table and they took my phone and fucking sex trafficked me until I was able to escape the hotel room they had me locked in.I begged my mom to stay with her while I looked for a place. Her stupid fucking roommate locked me in a closet because I was there during school hours (it was lunch break so I went home because I thought nobody would be there and she saw me smoking a joint of marijuana). I kicked the door down and I was attacked by her roommate so I defended myself and the police fucking charged me with assault. What the fuck is this fucking pathetic ass fucking life Nobody gives a fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk about me.what the fuck and I on this miserable fucking planet for I really just do not want to be in pain anymore",Suicidal +24195,there is just no point anymore. I cannot do anything. I am just sitting here helpless. There is nothing I can do besides off myself but I am too scared. Crying myself to sleep rn,Depression +24196,"i have known for a long time that i was depressed but did not get 'officially' diagnosed until two years ago. i was 18 at the time and my doctor told my parents i should go to therapy but my parents are the type who do not believe mental health is serious and you can just get over it through willpower, so i never went. (i am financially dependent on my parents.) fast forward a few months later I am in college and i try out the school's free therapist. (you get free sessions if you are taking 12 units) however i was struggling in my classes and basically failed and had to drop my classes so I am no longer eligible for sessions (plus the therapist kind of sucked and just spoke over me.) i also had a counselor recommend that i only take 8-10 units per semester since it seemed like 12 would be too much to handle but again, that meant no therapy benefits. i tried finding a therapist on my own and i found an amazing one but my budget could not keep up with her. i make around $500 a month and get paid biweekly so each of my checks are about $250. she wanted to see me once a week consecutively and EACH session was $275 if i remember correctly. in our ONE session that i did have with her, i mentioned that i think i might be autistic or have adhd and she recommended i go get an evaluation for that. i still have not been able to as that is a lot of money. everything on top of having to pay for classes was way too much. i have not been in school for almost two years in fear of failing my classes again. I am finally deciding to go back this fall but i do not even know what i want to do with my life (cannot tell if i cannot stand being a bio major or I am just depressed) and i just feel like I will never be able to figure anything out until i get help. i feel stuck and do not know what to do. where do i start? i feel trapped.",Depression +24197,"I am 34 weeks pregnant. I have started taking sertraline for my boarderline personality disorder, they primarily wanted me taking it because I have manic depression as well and my doctors are concerned about post partum. Well today I had my pre admit for the hospital, I have barely been on these for a week, but they told me that my baby would likely experience withdrawal once born. I am not sure I want to put it through that, but at the same time they are saying that the benefits for my well being outweigh the risk put on my baby. My SO says he supports me on whatever I choose to do and that he thinks it is best if I take them personally because my moods have been so all over. I constantly feel like I am drowning lately, I know it is not just me, it is my family, they are inconsiderate and its getting to me. I really just need some TLC, I need to feel like they care. It does not feel like they do, I am simply here to make everything convenient for them and now I am in a position where they are taking more than I can give. I have had suicidal ideaology for the better part of my life, since I can remember I have romanticized dying. Only because that means the pain would end. I sound dramatic, but I had a very traumatic childhood and I have never had a chance to recover, or the support I need. I am tired though, this new doctor has narrowed it down, he hit the nail on the head with his diagnosis I think, which was boarderline personality disorder, manic depression, anxiety disorder as well as PTSD. Honestly it all makes sense, my moods, my behaviour, everything. Now it is just figuring out how to stop it so I can be the best version of myself for my littles and not fuck them up. So the medication was where he wanted to start, and then he referred me to a few different therapists, one for DBT therapy, and trauma groups, and then just normal therapy. I am scared though, I do not want to hurt my baby. But I am hurting. I guess I just needed to get it out, I feel like a bad person for needing this shit, I wish I could just be normal. Meds and baby.",Depression +24198,"I am so fucking long gone at this point, I have fucked up so much, have no ability to regulate my emotions, generally am a misanthropic piece of shit, I am not smart nor going anywhere career or education wise, idk why this guy is genuinely attracted to me and I constantly try to tell him he does not actually care as well as provoke all the fucking time, I am not a genuine person, the only friendships of mine that last are surface level shit that I do not care about at all, I am just a mess and I have been like this for so goddamn long.And I have tried to die for so goddamn long, I fucking choked myself to the point of passing out when I was ten, I promised I would fucking die and I have missed the expiration date for that 3 months ago. Fuck this, fuck me, I see so many people say that they are glad that they failed and I am so happy for them, but I fucking hate that because each and every time has further fueled my hatred for myself as well as feeling like I am a ghost and that there is a grave I should be in rn, I just want to go, so badly. I am so tired and so fucking done with this. I do not know why I am still here",Suicidal +24199,"I am not even very sad, my life is fairly easy etc. I was worse a few months ago but its slowly improved. Yet I want to kill myself more than ever. I am clinging onto absolutely nothing by even being here, if anything I am a burden. ""Find a meaning then""... yeah right. I have got many hobbies and stuff but they are not worth it (...and I am slowly getting worse at them). I enjoy them a little, but its a distraction from the nothingness combined with me telling myself I should be doing something, I never get genuine happiness out of these things. I want to cry from frustration but as I said I am not even very sad - I cannot. I wish I was normal and meant something to someone and was not the fucking failure I am right now complaining on reddit. What happens if you have no meaning to assign to life, just nothing?",Suicidal +24200,"I am stuck in an awful job I cannot stand in the construction industry. The boss is a slave driver, we are understaffed, we keep getting more and more projects every day, I am in charge of half of them even though I have very little experience, and our customers are constantly asking for faster and faster deadlines that the CEOs keep obliging without asking us.I have been looking for a new job for almost a year and have gotten no replies, despite reworking my resume and having it reviewed countless times.I want to quit, but that would mean no more money, which means no more anything.But I just keep getting angrier and more tired every day, and eventually I just will not be able to work anymore. Worse, I may end up snapping and strangling my boss or one of my coworkers!I am almost 30 and have no significant other and very few friends, and most things that used to make me happy no longer do so. I am constantly thinking about work and what horrors the next day will bring.I do not know what else to do except kill myself. it is either that, or be stuck in this endless hell forever.I do theoretically have enough money to live a year without work, but since I have had no replies from applications, I may never get another job. It also does not help that I have no real idea what I actually want to do; I not only hate my job, but I hate my field as well!What the hell am I supposed to do??? Trapped in a horrible job. do not know what do to.",Depression +24201,"here is an evening ramble for you all. Not looking for help, just a friendly ear (eye?) if there is someone out there. Thanks for listening to my LONG rambling thoughts Warning: they are not in a great order. More of a stream of consciousness? First, someone tell me why prescribing some Xanax a few times a year to help someone deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety attacks is worse than the drugs I have been on since? I live a stressful life. I got that. Choices have consequences. Mine is anxiety. Prior to 2020, I would have 2-3 anxiety attacks per year (heart racing, high bp, uncontrollable crying, sweating, no sleep for days, etc.). A few Xanax would break the cycle and Id be back to myself in a day or two. 2020 was rough on everyone. My anxiety attacks became more frequent, so I was recommended to go on maintenance meds. Since November 2020, I have been prescribed a combination of Lexapro, Zoloft, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Trazodone, Mirtazapine, Hydroxyzine, Seroquel and more. These drugs have not only NOT helped my anxiety (in fact, its so much worse), but since taking them they have caused me consistent physical ticks, involuntary muscle spasms, insomnia, tinnitus, disassociation and suicidal ideations, uncontrollable crying, headaches, blurry vision, diarrhea and other digestive issues, weight gain then weight loss, loss of coordination and balance, loss of motivation, and severe depression. Oh, and most recently, hyper sexualizationI literally humped the corner of my dining room table and I am generally a total prude (I guess some side effects are not all bad lol)Who knows what is permanent. And now I might actually be crazy (and horny) af. I have come to accept that I am going to be alone thru this process, whatever that means. I am fortunate to have people in my life that want to help. But their help does not help me breathe. I cannot breathe. I cannot seem to ever catch my breath any more. And I cannot sleep. Oh, sleep. How I miss getting more than 2 hours of true rest on a good night. And stress? The stresses that generally do not bother me just pile up on my shoulders these days. It makes even walking up a flight of stairs what I imagine climbing Mt. Everest without oxygen would feel like. Id rather lay in bed. Sometimes I have to and nap in the middle of the day. (Did I mention I was once an ultra runner? That me is very embarrassed of this me)I have called out to my doctors for help and just get passed around. No one that I have worked with yet seems to understand nor appreciate mental health, wellness, and safetyemergency and urgent care personnel, law enforcement, psychiatrists at least those I have seen so far. Even my pharmacist punted on my questions.Those side effects I brought up earlier? Every one I have brought up with my dr has been answered with either a new prescription or assurance that I need to give the medication more time to do its job. I do not trust her my psychiatrist any longer. And when referred to a different psychiatrist for a 2nd opinion that may be good to speak with, I have to wait 8 weeks before they have an available appointment. Wtf?Honestly, most of the time I do not know how to feel, how I am supposed to feel, or how I am supposed to live knowing that there is really nothing out there meaningful for me. For any of us. I should be happy. Satisfied. By all senses of the word, I have achieved someone is vision of success. do not get me wrong I am extremely thankful that my loved ones, pets, friends, colleagues, employees, and I are all healthy. I have an awesome husband, make good money, have a great family, own a home, etc. I even own and operate a successful business and fund a local non-profit.But yet I still feel like I have no purpose. I seriously feel so stupid just thinking this way. I am sorry. But every day is the same. The movements throughout are merely a distraction until the day ends and it all starts over again. I tell everyone I am fine because I do not want them to worry. I keep my problems to myself since there is no one to share them with that can relate anyway. Its easier to bottle up the feelings so they do not hurt anyone.See what happens when I let them out? This. I am a damn mess. I am better than this. But I cannot control it. Any of it. I have been thinking a lot lately. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? We are so very small in this universe and here for such a short time. Its just a distraction until we eventually die. Really? Life seems like a while lot of effort for nothing. But this understanding makes it easy not to care about anything much anymore. I know I should not be thinking this way. I should feel grateful to wake up every day to what I have. So many others have things so much worse. But I am tired of showing up and being someone else for everyone else. I am tired of simply going thru the motions without real emotion. I am tired of not being able to tell what a real emotion is. I am just tired. But sometimes my dreams are so real that I question which is the waking world versus which is the sleeping world. If it was not for these pills I am taking, I am convinced I would not be here. I did not think they were helping until I stopped taking most of them. But seriously, if I keep take them I feel like I will not be here much longer either. Maybe its the pills talking, but nothing feels fine any more. But Ill be fine. Eventually. Maybe. My husband is convinced I do not need any of it. Medicine, help, etc. Not sure that is the right answer and I am currently a fucking mess. But then again, hes usually right. If you are still here, thanks. I am a disaster and could use a friendly ear",Depression +24202,"I do not really know what I am supposed to say. I keep waiting for better days to come, and I am running out of time. I miss my dad and I cannot go through that kind of pain again with my mom. I do not know... I am. Just. So. Tired. I am just tired.",Suicidal +24203,"I have just sat here at my computer turning my favorite videogame on, waiting for it to load, turning it off, repeat for like three hours. This is so fuckign stupid why am I such a fucking dumbass just play the game why is nothing fun anymore. I guess I will just go to sleep even though I am not tired at all. Oh my god why do I not enjoy anything",Depression +24204,"Life does not get better. I have waited 36 years and given it my all. I should be allowed to choose to be at peace, relieve my suffering and stop burdening others. My only purpose in life has been to serve others wants and needs. I am not valued or loved so why cannot I choose to stop my pain? I feel like I am forced to live and it is not fair",Suicidal +24205,"Hey, you all. So here is the deal. I have been depressed for about, let us see here, 16 years at least? Not the most fun process, honestly. It took awhile to get things sorted out for a number of reasons. Lately, though, things have been seeming to actually be not bad anymore, thanks to a 3-month period bupropion, followed by its cessation. I actually have hope for my future, and I do not spend every other minute thinking about what a piece of trash I am in whatever aspect of life I am thinking about in any given moment.The problem is, now I am faced with a lot of emotions that I do not really know how to process. there is a fair bit of sadness at missing out on a childhood and young adulthood that a lot of people seem to get to enjoy. there is definitely a lot of anger at people who either ignored me or went out or their way to bully or assault me. And there is even a bunch of weird confusing feelings that were heavily muted during my long period of numbness, like questioning my gender, that are now asking that they be listening to.The thing is, I am not really quite sure how to handle them? it is like being depressed never really meant I could not feel things, but rather that they were all saved up, and now I am getting hit with them like a tourist in the surf off the coast of Maui. I find myself going back and forth between moments of anger, happiness, sadness, confusion, and exhaustion. That being the case, does anyone have any suggestions for how to process and deal with such a chaotic mess? Oh, and before you suggest it, such a mess is not related to a manic phase or anything like that. I am strictly unipolar, baby. Assistance with a New Set of Circumstances, Surfing the Chaotic Tides",Depression +24206,"I feel like I can do something and go crazy about it for some reason. For ex; I can wash the dishes and someone would push me, all of a sudden murder is on my mind? Like bruh I are not Light Yagami what is I doing? Hope you understand me xoxo I feel crazy but I cannot tell if I actually am",Depression +24207,"its pointless to continue live my life. i have no future, already mid 30s. I am basically a middle aged man with a broken body and mind. i go for a walk and I am exhausted for the entire day. its only 3miles, I am just so weak physically and mentally. i have no personal relationship with anyone, i cannot deal with loneliness any longer. I am a social person and i been in isolation for few yrs now. now I am dealing with physical and mental issues, I am suicidal and depressed. i have nobody",Depression +24208,I lack a support system. My mom is dead. My father lives over a thousand miles away and does not care about me. My ex gf left months ago. I now have limited/no friends. Okay now my sad story is over. I do not know what to do. I thought making money and working hard would make me happy and make the people around me happy. Hint: it does not. I guess I am lonely. I want to have someone in my life that will talk to me and care about me. I want to care about them. I guess I want to have a purpose or someone to share life with. Today I watched the sunset. I wish I had someone to share that with. I start to think the world is better without me and what is the point? All I have now is my career. I admit I probably pushed others away or did not understand their problems. Now I am alone. Now I am sad. :( I fear I am becoming depressed (Male 26),Depression +24209,"Its been months since I have had a panic attack (before any therapy) and I just feel so numb, I know this might sound offensive in some manner but I just want to feel pain. I have cut myself 2 weeks back and I do regret it but I just feel so empty and In need of a feeling. I just ask for advice from people who have been through this before.. the desperately wanting of at least a panic attack. Please excuse my grammar mistakes. Wanting to have a panic attack",Depression +24210,"Just reread this post and it is a little over the place, but it is late and I want to go to sleep so I will just post it like this.Even as a little kid I did not have interests. My mom used to get me to try different hobbies but I did not like any of them. Maybe that was an early sign of what was to come.it is sad to see someone as young as me not doing anything other than going to school and to the gym. By the way, I have not seen any progress in my body for years now despite lifting often, I just cannot bring myself to eat 3000 calories a day because I do not have discipline. I have only gotten physically stronger, so I guess I am the skinny guy lifting comically high weight at the gym. And while I am lifting, I am thinking of how I do not enjoy doing it.I just do not feel joy from doing anything. I have not been happy since I was a child, and even then I had my dark times. it is a shame, my parents have spent a lot of time, effort and money on me. So far, I have managed to stay alive for them.let us talk about friends, shall we? I do not have many.I live in a small city of around 150000 people. It seems like everybody knows each other except for me. Every time I go out with the little friends I have (who are, I believe, catching on to the fact that I only like hanging out when there is alcohol involved) they greet so many people, and I am the dumbass that is just standing there being sad.I do want to get better, but I am in 4th year of secondary school (11th grade) and I think it may be too late to start building a personality. I am just a she will without interests or hobbies. I guess I can be kind of funny when I am drunk, so that is why my friends keep me around.I am the only virgin in my friend group, which can get horribly depressing sometimes. I play it as a byproduct of being gay in a small city, but it is really just because I have no social skills and I do not enjoy being alive. I have never had any hobbies or interests. I know no one outside of school. How do I build a personality?",Depression +24211,My mom just found an embarrassing social media post that I made. I hate my life. I want to kill myself It just keeps getting worse,Suicidal +24212,"The past year has been a shit show for my mental health. There have been some great things (meeting my boyfriend, who I love, being the primary one). But, I have fallen out of touch with a lot of friends and I feel unbelievably guilty-- an inherent guiltiness almost. I feel like no one likes me, that I am just a loser, and I cannot even get myself to reach out to people to see them. I do not want to bring anyone down with my depression. But I am becoming more and more reclusive and it does not feel great-- but I feel like I should resign to it. I feel like a loser",Depression +24213,"I cannot stop thinking about it. It almost gives me a panic attack, I feel like I have to rush out and make up for all the time I have lost but I do not know how. Every day that passes with me still being the way I am is another day I fear Ill regret if I ever make it to old age but I do not even know what the hell I am supposed to do about it.I cannot do the things other people my age do. I cannot go out drinking, its been ruined for me. For a start its ill-advised to drink while on medication and I am always on something these days. But also, my drinking habits have been a problem in the past, I slip into constant alcohol fairly easily because I am desperate for any escape from my head. But even now, even if I feel confident I will not overdo it or let it become a habit, I cannot. People in the past have made me feel so guilty about drinking at all that even though I do not talk to them or anyone anymore, if I even take a sip of alcohol I feel a wave of shame wash over me and trying to drink more puts me in constant conflict with myself. And I know people are going to say you can go places and not drink, but when was the last time you went somewhere where everyone else was drinking and you actually had fun? Maybe, its just me though, maybe I just cannot tolerate people sober. I guess its why I do not have any friends at all. Not even one. I do not know what is wrong with me but I cannot do it anymore. I have tried to make friends, hang out with people after work and stuff but it just makes me want to put a gun to my head. I just want to leave and be alone and I cannot escape the feeling no matter how much I force myself to go out or get over it. I am lonely in theory but when it comes to being around people in practice, there is nothing I hate more. I do not even understand it.I cannot go out and try drugs because my mental state is already so fucked that there is a serious worry of drugs fucking it up even more and leaving at a point where I cannot tolerate existing anymore, I can barely tolerate it now.I cannot have relationships for much the same reason that I cannot have friends. And even if I could, I am way too unstable to make it work so it would only end up causing me pain. But I hear about people my age going out and dating and I feel like I am going to miss my window even though I cannot even go out and do it.I cannot even have sex because, again, I cannot stand being around people. And even when I do manage to get myself into that position somehow, its completely unsatisfying because the medication has ruined it for me and I just feel broken and ashamed. One more thing people my age can go out and experience while I am left here unable to.I cannot even focus on a career or making money because I cannot even hold down a job for a year without my mental health completely crippling me and destroying my ability to function in any way for months at a time, forcing me to give up the job. It happens at every job I have ever had. Nothing stops it.I know what people are going to say, these things are just stereotypes for my age group and plenty of people my age do not do any of them and are still happy but that is not me. that is not what I wanted from my 20s. I wanted to experience these things but I just cannot. I am forced to spend most of my 20s stuck in my room, desperately fighting against my own head. And nothing seems to help, either. I have tried so fucking hard to change this shit but nothing helps it. I have been to so many therapists over the past couple years, just fucking hoping to go that one of them can help me but they have not helped anything, I have only gotten worse. I have done everything they have told me to do, I have kept an open mind and tried to be hopeful about the process but it does not work. Not even the medications do anything, I have been on so many, built up to the highest dose on various antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilisers and none of them have done anything at all to improve my mood and I do not know why. Guess I am just well and truly broken because nothing and no one can seem to fix me at all.So every day I watch my 20s grow shorter and shorter and I panic as I watch the days disappear but I cannot do a fucking thing to change it. My mental illnesses are stealing my 20s from me",Depression +24214,"I have got an 11 day vacation coming up, I have been preparing my last goodbyes to the people I love. I plan to fill those days with as many people and things that have made my life bearable throughout the years. If during that time I can find a reason to stick around I will and good God I plan on trying. I do not want to die, it terrifies me but I just cannot exist the way I have. it is impossible to enjoy anything when I spend every day thinking the people I care about hate me, it is not their fault to a healthy brain I have been treated better than I probably deserve but it does not stop the thoughts in my head from taking every change in tone every communication of disappointment as a death sentence. I do not know how to communicate to everyone what I am going through without seeming manipulative. I do not want want people to have to give me constant reassurance they love me and care about me because I know that is not practical or fair. If I do not find a glimmer of peace during my time off I think I am done. I do not need much to be convinced to stay I just need the hope that has eluded me for so long. I have given myself a deadline",Suicidal +24215,"hey you all, sorry for any formatting issues I am on mobile. i think i may need some tough love. I have been struggling for bit with work. finally coming back into the swing of things, and even may go for a promotion! (with works encouragement) i still was hoping my therapist would allow me to have a few mental health days a month, nothing crazy just 1 or 2. i do not get a lot of PTO and can get written up for absences with no doctor note. well therapist said no, that its a crutch and I am not doing myself any favors by taking days off. maybe she is right but I am pretty upset, i feel like my safety net has been ripped from under me. I have been consistent with going to work I am just stressed not having the buffer and losing my job if i have a day where i slip back into those super dark places. is she right? is it okay for me to be upset? or am i just silly for even hoping for this, as it is almost a luxury in a sick sort of way. idk, I am just disappointed in myself most of all for even needing the accommodation and feeling kind of embarrassed for even bringing it up. Therapist denied time off, for the best?",Depression +24216,"Do you guys know any forums where people discuss suicide freely? I mean if I want to talk about climbing Mount Everest, I do not care about you parroting bullshit that I should not do that, because staying home is safer. Same goes if I want to talk about suicide, I want to actually talk about it and not about your socially acceptable, comforting delusions. So, any websites without the BS? Any forums with freedom of speech?",Suicidal +24217,Attempted this morning and need some help back upPlease and thank you Looking for encouragement,Suicidal +24218,"Do people really think this is helpful? Do you think you have come up with some revolutionary idea when you repeat this pseudo-inspirational bullshit?I am so tired of hearing this instead of maybe just trying to understand or.... Maybe just not saying anything. ""I feel like you could change your situation, you just have to try""",Depression +24219,"cannot comprehend anything i read or watch,Suffer from anhedonia,nonexistent social skills,and cannot build meaningful relationships.Life is fucking terrible and cruel. Borderline retarded and suicidal",Depression +24220,I am so broken I have been trying to fix myself but the emptiness does not stop I just want to scream and cry my trauma keeps getting worse I do not know what I want out of life I truly feel like this is what my life is supposed to be just empty and I do not want to live a life like that I do not want to live at all but I do for the hope that maybe it will get better but its been 9 years when is it going to get better because rn I feel like it never will I just want to feel I am sick of being worthless and blaming myself for everything I do not know what to do anymore,Depression +24221,"Men are not meant to be unconditionally loved. we are loved only if we have something to offer. A good heart, money, or looks. Lack in am area, and we are called useless.But even if we are loved, does not mean they can see our pain. Each day pain stakingly earning, and hiding our wounded heart each time we cannot afford the luxuries we wish we could give our loved ones. Our pain does not matter",Depression +24222,My parents found out i was rejected from the top university in my city. They told me only way to eat was if i found a job. They will be removing my stuff by a month they say. No one fucking accepts my applications. I am literally fresh out of highschool idk what to do. .no one wants to hire me they seriously were abusing me my wholr life. It feels just so easy to end it now. No jobs no stress not a single insult anymore. want to die so fucking bad,Suicidal +24223,I want to go but I am constantly worry about the heavy burden I will put on my family my younger cousin lucy I am so sorry maybe next time I have already tried and I am recovery what is the point Had tired to suicide before the burden,Depression +24224,I am going to try to kill myself again tonight. I miss my ex wife so klmuch. Life has been nothing but pain for two years I am so desperate to kill myself and have been for two years. Every day is worde and it has to end today,Suicidal +24225,I am so miserable all of the fucking time that when I scroll through a post or anything like that seeing someone say how much they love their life it takes me back for a second. Forget that wanting to die is not just the normal standard feeling sometimes Always shocked when I hear people enjoy their life,Depression +24226,Does anybody find it hard to act completely normal when you feel numb and helpless? Work tomorrow. Life continues,Depression +24227,"(context: I want to attempt and fail)Not on here or in real life. Another Redditor told me my friends and family will give me the obligatory sympathy and then just kind of push it aside. So now I am conflicted if I actually want to fail or really die. Both sounds good tbh. Like, honestly. Either way the outcome is, its going to be good. If I attempt and fail, people will realize how bad it actually is. If I attempt and succeed all my problems are solved immediately. And even if I actually did it, eventually nobody would care",Suicidal +24228,"Relapsed on alcohol and had a panic attack in the club. On top of it all my girl who id give my life for left me. I was doing so well. it is so easy rn, I am literally next to my balcony. What is the point if i fuck up every relation i cared for. I am independent. But she is one thing that i let myself be vulnerable. And i got shitfaced after a year of sobriety. Maybe life wansnt meant for me. I am crushed. Very close to doing it",Depression +24229,"I want to do it so badly but I am scared that I am actually going to die. Like, yes, I want to die, but at the same time I do not. Idk if that makes sense The thought of killing myself but wanting to fail is taking over my beaim",Suicidal +24230,All I can say is I attempted suicide twice many years ago and the fact it did not work was the best thing that happened to me...I still battle depression now and then but genuinely managed to turn things around and as hopeless as you may feel if I can do it you can too. Trust me! do not stop fighting. you are worth it If you are struggling...,Depression +24231,"I finally said something to my ""Best best"" friend about being excluded. Was told it is because the people I thought were my friends (known a decade, at my wedding etc) ""enjoy spending time with just them"". Just realized I have spent a decade trying to get them to invite me was a fucking waste. My (now former) ""best-best"" friend somehow convinced the others to put up with me for a while. 4 years ago got invited on 1 camp out, 1 Friendsgiving, and that was it.That was the only Friendsgiving I have ever been invited to. I should have known a long time ago they were not my friends. But I cannot be suicidal, my kid needs me. Finally decided I would rather be alone than in bad company (but this still sucks)",Depression +24232,"Its been 4 months since he was told he needed to find somewhere else to go, but hes still in the family home while everythings getting sorted out - because COVID! When I am in the same room with him I get weepy and irritable and sometimes have panic attacks! My GP gave me antidepressants for the first time in my life, to tide me over - I was on the maximum dose of 15 tablets a day - but they had too many side effects so I had to ween myself off them. And I have lost 15kgs in the last 4 months from stress! I know if I can just dig deep, Ill soon be free of my dad forever! I am definitely going No Contact with him!The second he walks out that door I am going to ask my crush on a date. These last 4 months I have been terrified - and still am - that she will get a boyfriend in the meantime! I know I should seize my chance now, but I do not want to do it till I am free. I am not in the right frame of mind at the moment - I am in survival mode. The thought of that momentous day, when I can tell her how I feel, is the ONE THING that keeps me going!!Please guys, send me good energy and pray that my crush stays single a little while longer! As soon as my dad leaves the family home I am going to ask my crush on a date, but its been 4 months and he still has not left!",Depression +24233,"I am planning it out and have been thinking about it for the past year now. I have failed at everything in life, life is hard and everyone tells me I will just have to adjust. Sorry, not going to happen. Fuck every single person who has put me down. You can live your lives, fully functional and I will just fade the fuck away because nobody cares about me anyway. If I cannot have my youth back, if I cannot have the life I wanted, then what is the fucking point? Everyone I ever loved has turned their back on me and me on them. All I have is maybe a career? Who gives a shit. Everyone thinks I am either a weirdo, a nutcase or just not worth their time. Jokes on you fuckheads, I am not worth my own time either. If I do not start having stability in 3 years, I am fucking done. If I do not have my shit together in 3 years I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +24234,"How do you do this without ""repressed memories therapy"" like is there any prompt I can ask myself that could help me wrap my head around it? I do not really want to elaborate on it but I think my bad memories from when i was a bit younger that i have repressed my whole life are the root of all the mental health issues I have today, and I cannot move past them until I return to my past for a bit. And also I think that because I am in this habit of repressing everything, it may be why I cannot remember anything that has happned to me the day before because I regret all of my social interactions so I try and block yhem out and pretend they never happened but I talk a lot so I end up forgetting my whole day. Like I am starting to forget everything and I want a good memory (mehaving a bad memory might not have to do with repressed memories but I am staying open to the possibility). Ik this post is not exactly about depression but I do not know where else to get help for this (google has not helped me) other than this subreddit. Also I think repressed memories are something that causes an issue for a lot of people in the community so an answer to these questions may be beneficial to other people here. Please help How do you uncover repressed memories/stop repressing everything bad that happens to you",Depression +24235,"If my entire life is going to revolve around having to make money just to survive, I do not want a part of that. Honestly seriously considering just using a suicide bag so I go painlessly. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot keep waking up every day with nobody in my life caring about me. I am the biggest fucking loser on the planet. I am disposable. there is no purpose for me here.",Suicidal +24236,"Mom and Dad,You will never know exactly what I was feeling in the moments leading up to this note. Honestly, I do not really know how I feel. I know you were surprised and never saw this coming. I wish I had the courage to have talked with you, but I did not. Please do not beat yourself up about not noticing my pain. Take care of my sisters and tell them I am in a better place now. You will never know had long I have thought about this. It was not an impulsive decision, I have been thinking about this for a little over a year and a half. I love you so much and hope you move on from this pretty quickly. Bye for now,(I will sign my name here) How does this sound?",Suicidal +24237,"I am not where I want to be in life. Things have seemed bleak for a long time. For some reason I cannot seem to divert any energy to my life for the last couple of years. When I think about it, I have spent large chunks of my days in bed living in my head. Not sure why I am like this? I always feel hallow and empty. Failed classes in college and ruined my prospects. People from my batch graduated, moved on and found awesome jobs but I cannot seem to finish college. Things do not come easy to me and I am growing older. cannot even recognize myself in the mirror now, I have stress lines and dark shadows. do not have any friends, it is just been really lonely. No one wants me, I do not care what anyone says. People say I am polite and a nice person but I have tried making friends but no one talks to me a second time. Confidence and self-esteem have shattered completely. It just feels like I am a burden on everyone, including my family. I cannot be the son I am expected to be because of my failures. Sorry I do not mean to complain. There are just emotions bottled up for so long and no one to talk to. I cannot seem to find a purpose and the future seems uncertain. How do you find meaning when there is no anchor to hold onto? Unsure about everything, life.",Depression +24238,I am fat and i eat so much food it will kill me soon I am killing myself,Suicidal +24239,"I like to think that I have a pretty good life (cannot say I have ever truly suffered or struggled) which makes the fact that I want to kill my self that much worse. I do not even have a reason, yet it feels like that is the only thing I have ever truly wanted. If I want to kill myself now, what the fuck am I going to do when I have to face any actual hardship? I should be at a good point in my life. I just got my first part time job, I am going to be going to my dream college in a few months, but I still want to blow my fucking brains out. The only reason I can think of as to why I have not killed myself already is because I am afraid of what will happen if I fail. If I survive getting hit by a car or something and get seriously injured, not only am I going to fuck up my own life by throwing away my chance of going to college this year and the job I just got, but I am also going to be a huge burden on my parents who are planning to retire soon. If I had a sure fire way of killing myself I would do it in a heartbeat, but guns are out of the question since I have no way of getting one and there is not anywhere I could jump off that would be tall enough to kill me. The only thing I can think of would be getting ran over by a train, but some one would probably find me before the train comes.I just feel like I am supposed to kill myself. I mean, if I was not, then why would I want to kill myself for no reason for so long? Like if there was a god, his plan involves me blowing my fucking brains out. If I had a reason then there would be something I could do about it but since I do not I just kind of feel like killing myself is what I am meant to do. It also sucks that I am such a huge bitch about it too. I tried cutting to sort of work my way up to suicide but I could never cut that deep. I feel horrible for saying this but I knew someone who cut themselves so badly they had to go to the hospital and I fucking envy them. I wish I had the balls to do that but I have to psych myself up for half an hour before I make a tiny cut on my leg. The one thing I want is to kill myself and I cannot even do that right, which is kind of fucked up.I do not really know why I am posting this. I guess venting to strangers is better than worrying my friends and family for no reason. I feel bad for saying all this because I know there are so many people who have it infinitely worse than Ill ever have it who either do not want to die or have several good reasons for wanting to die, but I feel like I have lived the best life I could ever ask for and it still is not good enough for me. I am probably never going to get the balls to actually kill myself but I pray every day that I either kill myself or something else kills me. I feel like I am destined to kill myself",Suicidal +24240,"An 18 year old man, I have always felt different from others, I never thought it would end this way, I always considered that empathy was what allowed the existence of societies, like the foundations of a building, but every time I see less empathy in this world and I refuse to stay here to watch hundreds of thousands of years destroy itself in a moment, this is even worse than it sounds as the only thing that got me out of the depression I was in before was my current therapist, the only other homo sapiens that I could really refer to as human gave me a goal in life to be a great doctor and to be able to help people with my condition (autism) and perhaps with this to rekindle the flames of empathy, and I accepted it and believed it and lived happily for several months, until the actions of my parents and the world around me made me realize something, for when I have influence in the world to save some empathy, there will be no more nothing to save so besides constantly see the world be more and more decadent until its destruction, I also discovered my goal in life only so that months later it proves impossible to me, can you help me stop thinking like this? Misfortunes never come alone",Suicidal +24241,I just have to go. no one will miss me or even realize I am gone. my family will be relieved that they do not have to use my preferred name and pronouns. goodbye everyone. idk what to do anymore,Suicidal +24242,thinking about how other people see me and think about me is the worst. i hate that i have a presence the entire idea of my existence makes me upset,Depression +24243,"I am not super suicidal right now but I still am. I do not want to die I just sorta wish that I was not born so all the shit that is happened to me would not have to. I have no motivation for anything. I do not even have motivation to eat, like I go look for something to eat and then just immediately stop looking because I have no motivation to cook something or eat it. I just wish I was not born I wish I was not born",Suicidal +24244,"All i have in my life is a career in a field i despise, it pays well but that is it, have even just broke into management but i hate the rest of my job. I have no friends in this city, i cannot seem to make any because I am so intimidating, probably because i have to constantly try to not break down in tears. My few friends left i speak too are busy making families and buying homes. Most of my life i wanted to meet a nice girl and have a family but anyone I dated left me, everyone leaves me eventually even friends. When i got covid last year i secretly hoped it would just kill me, no luck, just ruined lungs and brain fog. My family is no help, all they do is talk about my nephews and brothers upcoming wedding. I never asked for this life, all i do is endure each day, all i can do is ask my self each day why do i still live. Not even sure why i bothered to write this, then again my time is worthless. I did not ask for any of this",Depression +24245,"My life has no meaning and while that used to give me comfort and a sense of freedom, it does not do that anymore. I cannot think of a good reason why to carry on living, it is just torture, and i try to lie to myself that its worth it but deep down i know that it is just a way for me to rationalize my crippling fear of death. At this moment that is the only thing that is stopping me. I do not want to die, i just do not want to be alive anymore. I cannot find a good reason other than the fear of death to continue living",Suicidal +24246,I hate everything!! I hate everyone!!!!!,Suicidal +24247,"I am always unhappy. I lost my condo which I owned. It was my mistake by selling it without realizing I owned it. My relative threw away all of my belongings in my apartment at the time I was going through a sickness and had to briefly move from my residence. I lost everything. I lost my job and had to retire early when I was going through my disability. I lost my cats to sickness when I moved and was put in a mental hospital when someone saw me crying in a vets hospital. I feel like I lost everything in a short period of time, and have trouble dealing with things. I am seriously depressed and need some ways to make myself feel better. Any suggestions? Lost Everything and Trying To Deal With It",Depression +24248,Fuck My Life Back to posting here lol,Suicidal +24249,"I really do not know how much longer i can go on for. I just sit at home and bury myself with video games, music, youtube etc but it only numbs the pain somewhat. I have suicidal thoughts literally everyday because of my social anxiety and a load other factors. I if this is how boring my life is going to be in the future with this social anxiety i really do not see a point in living any longer. what is stopping me from ending it is my Dad...that is literally all.. Social Anxiety, Loneliness (Absolutely no friends), Self-Esteem issues and stress",Depression +24250,"I cannot fix it. I cannot get out. I have no options left. There is no possible way to be happy and not destroy everything I have built over years. I have no other choice. I am doing it tonight. I am sorry and I love you. I love you so much okay? I am so unhappy, but if I do something about it I will ruin my entire life",Suicidal +24251,"Life as a kid was good and strange. My parents were together then, and I am convinced there was a demon in that house (different story for a different time) But my parents ended up splitting like a month before my 11th birthday. So for my birthday we went over and spent the night at my dads. (Me being me and my mom, they were and are better friends than lovers) Long story short, I watched my dad violently beat my moms ass, like this was probably the worst fight I have ever seen. Biting, slamming, all that. My mom up and ran out of that house and I did not see her for a little while. Well she ended up going to the streets, and turning to meth to cope. And its been about 10-11 years since then. I failed middle and high school because I just could not do it. Which I have a lot of regret about. Because I am smarter than 85% of the kids who did. But whatever, Ill get my GED. CPS has been involved with all my siblings except for me. My grandma was able to foster/adopt my autistic little brother thankfully. But I still have not heard from/about/or how my little sister is doing. Its probably coming up on 2 years since I have seen her last, and I am starting to doubt I ever will again. She probably has a different name now. Her dad only got custody because he had a good lawyer. He had 15+ years of meth addiction and never went to treatment once. My grandpas cancer just came back too. Spread somewhere else. I do not even know the details yet. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and food neophobia. I barely eat anything. Well, I eat a lot, but no variety. I am terrified of new foods. Or even foods that I think I will not like I will not even try. Which lead to really strange family dinners at friends houses. Or entire days of not eating. I do not take meds for anything. I do not plan to either, I have been down that road. I just feel hollow. If I am not doing something I notice every second go by. I kind of just hold it all in because I do not know who to talk to. I have 4 friends I hangout with. 2 of which I have not seen in a month+ so maybe less :/Every time I talk with my grandma its always job or GED. It honestly just makes me feel like an investment. I hate asking for money even if I really need it. Like my car is a lemon. Had to put way more money into it than we paid for it. And it still needs shit fixed. At this point I just want to burn it but I cannot.I feel like I have lived four lifetimes in this one and just blew it all. Only thing I have really done right in life so far was not having a kid at 18 like my parents.The only thing keeping me going is weed and my dream to grow my own. But no place is hiring me atm so I can barely afford that. And it is not legal in my state.I have lost interest in most things I loved doing too. So I feel like I am living for nothing. Eating so I do not die. I barely even enjoy eating the few foods I do like anymore. And I find myself being a bitch to the people I love. That makes me the most mad.I might chat with some of you all, I am not sure yet though. This is one of the few times I have actually opened up. I would not even tell my ex GF about a lot of that shit. And this my first time using Reddit.Not even sure what kind of response I want, but any is welcome. Questions too Opening up, and losing motivation",Depression +24252,"I have been having a bad week. Friday will be the worst and hardest day no doubt. When I am feeling overwhelmed my therapist asked me to repeat to myself, ""I will make it through this okay/ alive."" It helps with my anxiety, but it brings me this sick dread now. I will make it through this alive, but I do not want to. I wish I was not suicidal everytime I spiraled",Suicidal +24253,"I suffer from both mental and physical health issues.I started suffering from schizophrenia at a young age, the symptoms are unbearable unless I am heavily medicated.I need such high doses of medication that it is killing my health, I always throw up, cramp up or is hurting. I go to the hospital a lot, sometimes they give me morfin, other times they just sent me home. They tell me being sick is better than being suicidel, but now the constant pain and illness is making me suicidel.I do not want to die, the world is such a beautiful, wonderful place. But my mental problems are turning me into a vegetable, in a couple of years I will not be able to leave my house or get out of bed, it is nearly impossible now, even when I do not feel suicidel.I have no friends or family.My plan is to use my allergies. it is going to be painful, but not as painful as everyday life is. I do not want to die, but I cannot live with pain anymore.",Suicidal +24254,"I wake up feeling really down and proceed to go about my day feeling really depressed and not being able to do much. I curl up in the evenings and just lie on my bed feeling like complete crap over my body, how I will never be the girl I want to be and then I will spend half the night in tears not being able to sleep. I find this really takes a toll in my relationship with my boyfriend and this leads to more fights because I am distant or that I seem uninterested.I really wish I could have a minute of peace, even doing activities rarely takes my mind off of all the dysphoria. How to cope with day to day gender dysphoria?",Depression +24255,"The message to my friend who replied 'oof, sorry' and that is it.The friend who came online and then went back offline after I said 'I guess I scared you away, too.'The lack of response from the friend I said 'I have lost all meaning.'The ex-therapist who ignored me all day that I feel like I am begging to forgive me. I imagine if I died tonight",Suicidal +24256,"i feel really exhausted all the time when i talk to them, they are going through some stuff too and i just cannot bring myself to be there for them like i was once, its just all too much and i do not know what to do, i have not seen them for awhile due to anxiety and them being in hospital. i hope seeing them might i do not know snap me back into feeling okay and not so overwhelmed and stressed with trying to help them, they are so amazing and they are there for me too but i just cannot bring myself to support them and give advice, its tiring and overwhelming emotionally drained from my partner",Depression +24257,"So I just started group therapy today. I attend thru zoom. I just completed my second session today.Every day before group you have to fill out a daily assessment about how you are feeling including suicidal thoughts or any plansI am very suicidal right now. Just cannot work up the courage to do it and cannot get past the guilt of loved ones Ill leave behind. I have answered both assessments honestly about my suicidal thoughts and plans.So after group today, I get a call from them saying the doctor wanted to speak with me. He asks me about my suicidal ideation and wants to know if I think I am a m going to hurt myself or others. I told him I definitely will not hurt anyone else. He replies that if I do not tell him no for both he will send the police to my house and have me baker acted. He was very aggressive about it. I have been inpatient before and do not like the feeling of being locked up. So I told him no I will not hurt myself or others.So now I am thinking I should just lie on the assessment from now on because I do not want to have to go thru this every day with being questioned for I fill the form out honestly. I mean I am sure its just so they would not be liable if I did hurt myself and they did not take action after learning I was having thoughts.But if I lie on the assessment, how is that helping me get thru the suicidal thoughts. I am so confused and upset about this.Any advice will help. I need help please. To admit or not admit",Suicidal +24258,ok so i have not showered in like 2 weeks. there are literal bugs crawling on me. i have dead skin peeling off of me. my hair is so fucking greasy. and the thing is i kind of want to shower but i cannot get myself to. i feel so unmotivated. i do not want to do it. i feel like i do not deserve to shower. but I am not sure if I am depressed because I am not really that sad. i just feel kind of off. i do nothing but watch netflix and lie in bed. is this depression?,Depression +24259,"Figure I can use this as a place to just make a diary or something. Idk maybe it helps maybe it does not. Anyways the whole purpose of my future posts here will serve as a diary to my life as a depressed person. I decided since my birthday is coming up soon and I have nothing to show for my life that I am giving myself 1 more year and then I am going on a vacation from this plane of existence. I do not have any friends and my parents are getting up there in age so I will be alone soon. No girlfriend and quite honestly it is going to take a fucking miracle for something to heal me and unfuck me up.it is not a doom and gloom entirely. Despite all of this I think there is a glimmer of hope if I can for lack of a better term focus like my life depends on it. If I can at least fix my job situation maybe I can muster enough to find something else but right now the issue , I am depressed as hell. I do not think I can be around people and fake a positive interaction. I am on edge rn and I do not want to offend anyone and at the same time I hate this bullshit game of life where I am having to pretend people are friendly when in reality it is dog eat dog. Working is OK with me so long as I do not have to talk to anyone...at least if I work 24/7 I will not be entirely suffering in this lonely pit.I need to learn how to code and program as quick as possible. This seems like it is my last hope. If I can master this over the course of the year I might live to see 2023. Over the course of August I will be working 40 hours , working out , eating clean, and studying. I am either going to survive this or I am going to die , literally. there is nothing I can see saving me right now and I am losing all hope. This is my last shot.I really wish I did not have to feel this constant heartache and constant want to breakdown in tears. It sucks people are going to judge me because I cannot smile. It sucks that the only way out this is suffering through an intense type of personal hell to where you quite literally die and a new personality is either born or you fail and die.At least there is peace in knowing I choose when I go, sorta. Day 1 [ Before we Begin ]",Depression +24260,"i lost my boyfriend, my friends, and now my dignity. I am completely alone and there is nothing stopping me from just ending it all. already took an excess amount of benzodiazepines and now about to drink as much vodka as i can. respiratory depression please save me from this emotional pain. i have nothing left.",Suicidal +24261,"I just binged while trying to restrict and then I triggered myself with looking at my ex's profile and I am such a fucking mess. I do not want to go on. I have no one to talk to right now. I texted out a message to my friend asking to hang out because I am not feeling okay but then I remembered that she left to go see her daughter so she is not even around. everyone is either busy, tired, or gone. I am in Crisis",Suicidal +24262,I am depressed and I felt like nobody else can understand that pain I am going through. I feel like suicide is the only way for me to stop the pain,Suicidal +24263,"I have nothing to live for. I have no one to live for. I just want to be dead. I want to get friends but I am so socially anxious that it is hard for me to talk to anyone about anything. I cannot do anything right.where is the beauty??? No friends, no skills, no hobbies, no love, yet I am told there is beauty in life.",Suicidal +24264,"Every time I try using it for help they either do not give me what I need or come with some bs plan to help you till the next day, like you all do not even get back to your victims the next day Is it just me or do the suicidal hotlines suck?",Suicidal +24265,"I relate to so much of what you people say on here so I am wondering, does it ever get better? Has anyone felt the slightest bit of excitement or enjoyment in life since the darkest point in your lives? I cannot keep going on like this so I am wondering if its even worth it to keep trying. Does it ever get better?",Depression +24266,"I just want my life to be over, I really cannot take this anymore the only reason I am not dead right now is because my mom told me if I killed myself I would go to hell. Not like I can afford anything to kill myself with anyways I exist for the sole purpose of suffering and being a vessel for other people to dump their hate onto. I never asked to be alive. There is no escape from my life thought maybe I could fix myself with the military or something but I cannot even do that because my lungs do not work the second I find something I can overdose on or a gun I am killing myself on the spot. I fucking give up I hate my life I have no one, no job, got kicked out of school disowned, and the only things I used to have as an escape now just make me angry and miserable",Suicidal +24267,"I feel I have ruined my life and do not see any way out. I have got so much personal debt, no degree, and I lost the only good job I have ever had last November. Bills immediately consume the little money I make. Now I am a 28 year old living back at home and I do not know how much longer I can keep living a life I hate. Someone please give me advice on how to fight the hopelessness.. I can feel myself giving up Help with feeling hopeless",Depression +24268,"My friend just told me she is moving. To Korea.It was such a weird thought, I had to ask why. She said, that she was tired of being ""boring"" and wanting an interesting CV. It was such a short remark, but it reminded me that I never cared about the things you ""should care"" about. Since I was around 14yo, I saw people my age work for their future. I heard them talk about wanting to pull up their CV. Work jobs to save money. In school we learned how to formulate an application (all forgotten knowledge) and had to take those job consultation talks.I did not care. Why? I guess it boils down to a general disconnection from the world. Typical story: depressed since 6yo, first active suicide attempt at 13yo, slow therapy at 16yo. Most of my teenhood I did not even think I would have a future. Generally, I was devoided of love, safety and support by both parents and environment. It was only when I got 18yo I slowly started to... wake...up?I got better. A lil at least. Enrolled in a random university (was forced to) and am trying to get my own place and job. Actually learn makeup. Make a drivers licence. But shit like this always remind me of what I can never have.Like... when I was 17yo, I went to Oxford for the first time. And honestly...I liked it. I bought a book about an Oxford student and loved all the interesting things she said about the school. It made me really want to go there myself, but my grades were already done with and terrible.I will never have a chance to go to Oxford now. And people around me just say ""well that is punishment for not working hard enough"". And I would have accepted it if my FUCKING LIFE would not already be punishment enough! I want to live but I do not feel like ""living"". I am only 18yo but I feel like I am already behind everything",Suicidal +24269,"Hello first things first sorry for my semi-broken english do not know where to start am 21 y.o and extremely depressed for past 2 or 3 years and just depressed and sad before my main problem is so cringe worthy am really shy about talking about the problem is cannot get somebody to love me am not some wierdo fat and ugly type am a pharmacy student which is very good in turkey ( live in turkey btw) also never had problems to get friends in my life always was a social person in my life and do not get any financial problems or worry about my future(very rare in turkey) but just cannot get over gender dynamics in my country my big brother had a bad marriage and become a womanizer after divorce he is like its the easiest thing in the world bro you have to get rejected until you get the jackpot he tried to help me but just cannot do it do not wan't to get my ego broken until hit the jackpot always see fuckin couples and feel like am the only loser in my standarts mean do not have any problems in my life except this bullshit an it fucking ruining my life always feel sad and nsufficent ( do not really know how to say in english like not enough) mean do not want to try again again again why do have to try do not selected to be a man or born turkey or ultimately born after all know its sound extremely stupid. get medical help (which is also very rare in a third word country like turkey) but she(psychologist) just cannot beat my argument just want to die everbody says like you are just 21 y.o you have very good life ahead of yo but all my (same old people sorry do not know right word) already achived the things want to achive like nothing just do not want to try also cannot commit suicide talked many of my friends,family,life coaches,medical doctors but nobody cannot beat my arguments mean look am so desperate that write here just do not know what to do or what to say am just tired and want it all to end. I am extremely desperate so write here",Suicidal +24270,Life is really not great for me and I am just a loser faggot. I have one solid friend who is pissed with me now. Still going on a trip this weekend but Ngl I have struggled with suicidal thoughts off and on for years. I am alone and gay and I hate so many aspects of my life and myself. My dog would be with my parents being watched and I would not need to worry. I know at some point I am going to kill myself and instead of having the I hope I live a short life optimism of my life. I just need a way to get a friend some passes with minimal contact. I finally will be at peace and life will conclude. Easiest way to give up festival tickets to a friend before suicide?,Suicidal +24271,the way my parents handle my emotions is if I am doing poorly they punish me which makes me do even worse so i have to wade through shit until i can at least present like I am doing well to them so they will treat me well and they currently think I am doing 100% fine and I am scared my doctor will see the wounds on my stomach and chest and will tell them or admit me to a ward and yeah fuck what do i do? can i just tell the doctor i do not want to lift up my shirt? could i just beg them to not tell my parents? do i make some shit up about a cat or whatever idk what to do loelelel help (self harm TW) i relapsed into self harm yesterday and am coincidentally getting a doctor check up tomorrow and i do not know what to do help,Depression +24272,I just want it to be over.. 29 male,Suicidal +24273,"Life is just not worth itLike people say killing myself will not end my ""problems"", i do not have problems i just have no reason to stick aroundim stacked up on meds and idk how long before I go i feel like I am a failure and existing is not worth it",Suicidal +24274,That I could leave whenever I wantAnd I wish to never come backBut that is not my choice either.... I wish it was my choice,Suicidal +24275,"Fuck man, i want to die, I am in so much legal shit, anytime i try to talk to my parents about how i feel i get bitched at, writing a note. i wish i had a gun I am afraid this knife is going to be slow an painful. suicide",Suicidal +24276,"I guess it all started when I was I guess 11, my parents started getting unfair and just downright selfish. My parents somehow went from the ordinary comparing me to a few of my cousins or smart individuals at school to saying that I am a failiure because I could not become some genius who started learning university level topics at the age of 9 or some shit. (For context my parents someow got addicted to tese videos on Facebook about these super young geniuses that are like 7-14 doing things like teaching or attending university or college and etc.) This was just annoying at first, but soon it became pretty discouraging and I just started losing any confidence that I had in myself.I would say the unfairness started coming in when my parents would force me to go to the gas station they work at and then work as the cashier there and that is cool and all, but I think that since I am working as a cashier and all I should atleast get paid a little, right? Well guess not seeing as my parents said that I should not need to be paid, I could get like doing chores and other stuff, but this is an actual job, and that is kind of a not so cool move. Another thing I would mention is the constant studying they want me to do, I understand that I need to study on a regular basis, but apparently I should be studying all day and the only time I should not is for eating, doing chores, or showering and etc. They told me I should not be talking with friends at all beause friends are a distraction, and this stinged because I do not have many friends, in school I met a group of people who accepted me for who I was and wether that group of people realize it or not I am so greatful to them, they mean so much to me even if we get into arguments often and are fairly toxic to eachother at times I love them all a lot. Being told to separate myself from my only friends hurt a lot, and I did not want to, but when I tried to resist they would do things such as prevent me from even contacting them at times. Especially with the pandemic going on it just hurt a lot. what is even worse is that I cannot get mad or sad about anything, if I express anything other than positive emotions I get in big trouble. This one time I got pissed off because my little cousins who were being downright demons were breaking everything that I held dearly to me and my parents who doted over them did nothing, I told them off slightly raishing my voice and then I got beat into submission by my dad and got told that apparently I do not have the right to be mad or sad because I am just a child and they are the parents. This is especially hard since my parents have given up on trying to feed me so I basically either last on a small breakfast for the entire day or just water or Breakfast and lunch. I get so hungry when it nears night time and its hard for me not to be mad or emotional when I am starving.I guess another reason for all my stress is just my social life in general. My main friend group who like me are all introverts are cool, and they did used to be my world, but I guess as I grew up I needed more attention because I felt so suffocated and empty even with just my friends. I guess the main reason I can even befriend others because of my kindness. I am one of those people who are mainly depended on for emotional support and such when others are broken because I merely tell people what they need to hear with a mix of what they want to hear depending on the situation. Its cool and all, but after that is over its back to them going to their friend groups who are full of muc farther interesting people than me. It makes me feel like crutches, its like after I am relied on I am then thrown away, but I am not an inanimate object, I have feelings too, I want attention, I want to be cared for, I want to be wanted. When others are broken I am open to helping them heal, but when I am broken I do not have people to rely on or depend on. It really hurts, it makes me want to cry knowing that no matter how much I call out for help, it will not come, It hurts because of how lonely and empty it makes me feel. At first people online telling me to calm down and such used to work, but at this point I am so stressed that it does not. I want someone in front of me to tell me everything will be alright, but I do not have anyone to tell me this. I want people to look at me, in the friend groups I have so far got in there are people who are the most popular or cool, people who everyone else sucks up to and such. I do not mind this, but it makes me feel awful, because even if it is selfish I just wish that I had atleast one person who payed attention to me as if I were their first priority in terms of friendship, right now I just feel like that one person who is not wanted and is just included in conversations because other people feel sympathy for how sad they are. When Covid first started that is when it all really struck me, for every day of the year from the beginning of 2020 to the end I felt an unbearable sadness. I felt so lonely and empty, I completely forgot how to talk in a conversation, and everything scared me. It got better when I met my group of friends again, but its still here, chewing away at me, just more delayed now. I am scared because it gets so bad that I start feeling suicidal quite frequently. It got worse when recently my mother got into an argument with my dad over work and then my mother elevated the argument so much that it got to the topic of ""divorce"", divorce threats were quite ordinary for me I guess. (I remember the last time my parents were threatening each other with a divorce my dad was packing his things about to leave and my mom realized that she regretted it and begged me to beg my father not to leave. I did not have anything to do with it and I was around 9 at the time, but it still hurt begging to me dad not to leave.) However this recent situation was different, my mom genuinely started blaming me for the messy relationship between my father and her, I was screamed at being told that me being alive was what brought unrest to the family and that I was a burden. After that I was just straight up told that I should kill myself. This hurt a lot, my own mother telling me to kill myself really hurt me. Even if its not selfish or I seem like a bad person I cannot forgive that, I am never going to be able to recover over that even as an adullt, no matter how much my mother acts like it never happened I am always reminded that she told me it would be better off with me committing suicide. Lately I have been remembering these things as the stress my parents are putting on me is growing, I starting to feel like my mother was right. I recently was recommended a video on youtube about suicide, and the thing that stood out to me was the words ""Suicide is a way of showing and telling people that you were not strong enough face life."" or something like that. I feel like this is right, I as an individual with not much support cannot face the harsh reality that is life. I do not feel as if I have been defeated by life, I feel like after I have been defeated I was further beaten down and robbed of any hope by life. I am suicidal, but at the same time I find it hard to physically do it because I do not want to feel the pain. I have felt a lot of pain, I do not want anymore, I just want the pain to stop, somebody please give me advice, how do I make the pain stop or how do I at least easen it, I am tired of the pain and stress, I am tired of how my parents treat me, I am just tired in general, my soul is tired. I am begging with my heart, is there any hope for me? Just some introvert not being able to face life",Suicidal +24277,"I feel like a miserable human being who makes the lives of those around me miserable. That Ill always be miserable no matter what I do. I feel drenched in it. It sinks into my clothes; it clumps my hair together into chunks; wears down my bones and makes it hard for me to move and think. It impacts those that love me the most. Nothing in my life will get better. I have tried to better my life and it does not work. Everyone in my life has either hurt me in some way that I cannot forgive, or have been hurt by me in some way that I cannot forgive myself for. I feel disgusting. I am a disgusting person with a disgusting body and a disgusting, sick brain that makes me think disgusting, sick thoughts. 7/10 people with my personality disorder attempt suicide, 10% will be successful. A lot will be dead before 30. So why even bother? (Vent) I feel like my existence is misery",Depression +24278,"Is anyone else feeling this? I feel like the world was brought down to my level during the pandemic, and I felt pretty good/excelled. Now its the reverse. Nothing from before matters. Its hard to do even a little. I do not trust my former support group because of their actions last year. I am not sure if I am surrounded by and attract toxic people or if I am toxic. Normalcy is a facade, and anyone telling me otherwise is kidding themselves The pandemic was really great for me. Normalcy is not.",Depression +24279,"The biggest why: Even though I am a good student in college, I feel cannot understand a science clearly. It means incompetence when getting a job and that means being a failed adult.Others:The mirror breaks when I see myself.I am always euthymic. No hobby seems to be fun to me. I have three reasons for committing suicide.",Suicidal +24280,the title pretty much says it all. there are periods of time where i feel better but then i force myself back into depression again because i feel I am not allowed to get better without the use of medication. i know its dumb but i need to know how to stop feeling this way. the days where i feel better make me want to not start on antidepressants because obviously i do not need them them if i can get better on my own. and i know deep down that ill end up depressed again even if i do not force it but at the same time my brain convinces me that the only reason i do not get better is because i self-sabotage and that I am not actually depressed. i do not even know if this makes sense ahahaha everything just seems so frustrating and unnecessarily complicated i just wish i was not here. i feel like i do not deserve to get better unless i take meds?,Depression +24281,"Forgive me for the vulgarity, I have had a little to drink.This monk bitch said ""When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.""I have been at my lowest point for an incalculable about of time. WHERE IS MY GREAT CHANGE??Unless... The requirements have still not been met? My god. Have I not still not hit rock bottom? The implications here are terrifying.How much lower must I descend??? Aang is a fucking liar",Depression +24282,"as a borderline, I have never had a single decent relationship with anybody. my parents are abusive, all my previous friends left me, and my FP is slowly leaving me. all i can think of is just jumping out of my window. it is already open, i feel like I am just looking down at my grave. people always like to tell you you are not alone, that there is someone that loves you out there, and people even say it to prevent you from suicide. but that is not true.",Suicidal +24283,Am i loved ? :( I want to kill myself,Suicidal +24284,"Most days I feel nothing. I am either totally empty inside or I am frustrated. Today I feel sad, genuinely sad. I just feel so much guilt for so much that is gone wrong in my life. Why do not I talk to my mom more? Why do not I acknowledge my own feelings? Why was I so mean to so many people? Am I doomed to forever miss subtext and accidentally insult someone or come off as annoying? (The answer to that last one is probably yes. I think I am autistic at this point and it just never gets better.)Is this a good sign? Is this a sign that I am ready to confront the things in my life that I am not ok with? Will I eventually be happy if I keep going down this road? Or is this a sign that I am getting worse? I feel sad instead of feeling nothing, is this progress?",Depression +24285,Its sad. there is still a very small part of me that holds out hope but hope dies eventually ig. At least it will be over soon. Death might hurt but living hurts so much more,Suicidal +24286,"On my lowest points when the despair really hits me I often start writing my suicide note in my head. It has saved me countless times because I do not have anyone except for my mother and at the end Id always realize how disappointed and hurt she would be if I was gone so Id postpone going through with it. Basically, this is how I cope its pretty fucked up but it is what it is I guess. I was wondering if you guys think its better to leave a note trying to explain why you did it and maybe give your loved ones some closure or its just going to hurt them even more? Is it better to leave a note?",Suicidal +24287,"I have got a medical condition and a birth defect, and its almost untreatable. i live on one functioning kidney, however that kidney is getting worse by the years. i have severe anxiety and depression, and i do not see a future in myself, I am only living to occupy someone is boredom or loneliness as of today. my life span is cut down by 20-30 years in average, or my kidney could overload as it is taking the load of one more kidney (keep in mind i have high blood pressure from my anxiety and my kidneys itself), or eventually i could kill myself. i struggle to make friends but slowly and surely I am trying to reunite with my old friends who i tampered with and decided to push them away because i thought it would help me, instead it left me a massive debt from loneliness. I am not sure if i will get a job, if i do its probably to pay back my parents as they spent a bit over a million at birth to practically save me, and take care of my only true friend and someone i love deeply, enough to supply them for a happy life. if not, I am not sure if i would just like to enjoy my life, knowing the end is very near. I am a person that loves attention and the idea of love in general, i would love a wife and kids one day but it horrified me when i thought of what would happen after i left. anyways, thanks for reading another rant, have a good day/night, take care I am dying away",Depression +24288,"I find there to be very little helpful content on this topic beyond so many ads for prevention services. I guess suicide is big biz in America. Be wary of admitting how you feel and/or asking for help because if you do, you risk being put away and losing custody of your children if you have them. So much a",Suicidal +24289,Or I am. I just do not want people to think I am.I do not think I will. But I am thinking bad thoughts. I am trying to stay positive. I am literally being toyed with. cannot say too much. I cannot say I am going crazy because I have been here long enough. So long I do not know when I was not crazy. I do not know what I want. I am jus tired. Not looking for attention...,Suicidal +24290,"i miss my mom. she was my biggest support. nothing makes any sense. I am constantly dissociated. i switch from being energetic, angry etc to being exhausted, deeply sad or empty. guilty. stupid. I am quitting my meds progressively since they do not work. i quit therapy because I am tired of working and i want to be left alone and trusting people is getting harder. I am only happy when i drinki want to die. my life does not make sense. my house is unreal, without my mother everything is false and meaningless. i only stay because of my two little siblings. but i know I am a burden to themi have tons of morphine at home. benzos, antidepressants, etc. i just cannot stop to think about suicide; even when I am more energetici wrote a tiny will with my shitty stuff. i have a note. and i know i will do it eventually. i never saw myself as someone who would turn +30 so. it is one of the few certainties that I have it is a matter of time",Suicidal +24291,I do not know why. I am just depressed and stressed I guess. I am a childcare worker(nanny) and Idk. Its really hard to get up and actually work today. I am doing it because I need to especially since their mom is not a good mom and they need someone with stability but all I want to do is break down right now At work and honestly all I genuinely want to do is die.,Suicidal +24292,"There are different 'types' of being suicidal, and what I am learning is that I have discovered another type. An oddly beautiful type. A type I never knew existed. A couple years ago, I was in the stereotypical 'defeated suicidal' state where I finally caved: I admitted I could not do things alone, reached out to family, started calling the suicide hotline regularly, and slowly things improved. Before now, I would always associated suicide with feelings of hopelessness, sadness, anger, and negative energy in general. I wondered if it was possible for someone to kill themselves with the energy of love and bliss; for someone to kill themselves with a genuine smile on their face. Was it possible? Today I have learned: Yes, it is. it is a beautiful day; one of my favorite kinds of days. The sky is completely clear and blue, the trees are green and lush, I feel beautiful, I texted 'good morinng' my sisters this morning (we are closer now than we have ever been before), and yet if I had a gun in my room, I know I could easily insert the barrel into my mouth, telepathically tell the universe/god that I am in love with it and that I have enjoyed my time on earth: that I have appreciated every bite of pizza, every puffy donut, every sip of creamy, milky coffee, every agonizing second of being in love with a boy I could not have, every orgasm that felt like temporary obliteration, and pull the trigger with the final smiling thought, ""Existence, my love, I have total trust in you."" Who knew being suicidal could be so beautiful? I am so at peace. I am discovering that this is what it means to truly not fear death. To trust the universe so totally and with so much love that it becomes a bond-building 'free fall' with your best friend. I love you universe. I love you existence. I imagine suicide often, but with each passing day, it is less and less dark, less and less negative more and more full of love, trust and beauty. Because of this, I am the closest I have ever been to killing myself, only because now: I truly have nothing to fear. However conversely my imagined death with a gun exudes so much warmth and love that I no longer have to do it. it is like imaging yourself eating ice cream, and the imagined simulation being so good, you do not actually have to eat ice cream anymore. I am very suicidal, 'dangerously suicidal,' and yet -- I am also so in love with life and everything around me that I feel at a perfect neutral completely suspended in a space where choosing to live and choosing to die would be choices easily made with the exact same energy: the energy of love and trust. I am in complete bliss and am the most suicidal I have ever been",Suicidal +24293,"Maybe it will not I really do not give a shit either way. I do not see the value in working for a society that gives you so little in return. I am currently on disability and if I could work again, I doubt I would have the ambition I used to. I have not tried getting a job since before the accident in 2015. The system is slowly dying and crumbling and I could not be happier. I used to work a white collar job before my accident but I cannot multi task anymore due to a traumatic brain injury. it is because of a drunk driver I am a she will of what I used to be. I am actually happy that drunken piece of shit died in a separate incident. Just waiting on the collapse ya'lll I am waiting for society to collapse.",Depression +24294,Life is a prison. I am trapped. I cannot get out.I do not know what to do. I do not want to live anymore,Depression +24295,"I have a history of multiple suicide attempts, so I know what works and what does not. But no, not even going to say what I have learned. But the point of planning my suicide, down to the last detail, calms me the f*ck down. But then I take a nap or watch Netflix, and within an hour or so, I feel better. Its the fact that knowing there is a wayits powerful. And I can control that. Its therapeutic During panic attacks, planning my suicide calms me down",Suicidal +24296,"My minds too scrambled to even explain what I am feeling. I just wanted someone to hear what I am thinking. Maybe they feel this way too. Sincerely, Depressed mom with everything. I feel so selfish, like I do not deserve to be happy or depressed. I do not know where I belong anymore.",Depression +24297,"do not go back into that place again, its not worth the pain. people may always try to bring you down, but there is always hands to bring you back up from that hole. its not worth the energy going back keep striving forward. you will have people asking if your ok only keep those people at arms length. your true people that know you and care for you will always know when your not ok. they will always listen and try to take your mind away from those people that only just pretend.sometimes it will be you just one against those people that will use your energy and twist it. they know your struggling but will not come near you to put that arm round and hear you. you see these people on a daily do not let the fakr sincerety or smiles sway you. they are only there to distract you from that positive energy. no matter how much you try they will not.always stop for the those that take there time to understand you know when that pain and black cloud is there. these people will be your family. some people will hear your jokes and think your happy but not understand the pain behind it. family wilp aleays hear your jokes and see through. stop putting on that smile for everyone be honest.the truth hurts the softest ears but cannot offend the strongest. never be afraid to be honest! silence is definitely golden. show the effort that people put in to youn Struggling not to go backwards",Depression +24298,"i do not want someone else, i want him and only him, i want to be the one he aches for. everyone keeps telling me ill find someone else",Suicidal +24299,Everything I have wanted is over I am empty,Suicidal +24300,"I feel really petty and childish for having suicidal thoughts whenever I feel unwanted or forgotten. I feel like I contemplate suicide out of spite. I just want people to remember me, care about me, and actually show it clearly. Just about every year on my birthday I always feel underappreciated. I am mot a remarkable person so I do not expect a huge celebration and to be showered with gifts, but I would like to feel like the people around me actually enjoy my presence instead of telling me happy birthday just because of some push notification or someone else reminded them. Am I really selfish for thinking of killing myself over some bad experiences",Suicidal +24301,"Is there any online counselling services that are not too expensive, but have really helped anyone? I really would prefer one to one in person but its far to expensive. Recommendation",Depression +24302,"7.7.21Should I kill myself?A long journal entry that mulls over the idea of suicide, why I was born, why I continue to live when its so easy to die, and why I am holding on even though most days I think about killing myself at minimum 4-8 times.I am tired of being around everyone that I loveI no longer find joy in the things I once cared for, and in general I am becoming a very bitter, mean person to be around.I was not always like this though, once upon a time I was just a small child who did not choose to be born, and I was busy dealing with an insane woman who would punch me in the head if the sky was the wrong shade of blueShe did not think she was doing anything wrong, because kids in other countries had so much less than we didShe never took the time to teach us about these things, because she was too busy yelling and avoiding being with us as much as humanly possibleBut I digressRecently, I have been lucky enough to find someone who loves me, and somehow I feel like I am fucking that up all the time tooHe does not know how sad I am on the inside, because I do not trust him enough to tell himThats not on him, I just have never told anyone about the monster that lives in my heartIts always there, just slightly off in the distance waiting for me to come and fall into its dark and comforting embrace and phwoo, its getting really hard not to wander over there and just fall off that cliffI tell you what boy, there is absolutely nothing like the darknessI have been there before and it is comforting, let me tell you whatBeing alive is hard, being in a relationship is hard, dealing with the world and hoping for people to get better is hardBut the darkness? Holy shit no one talks to me in the darkness.No on interrupts me in the darkness, no one tells me my ideas are wrong or that the things I talk about will never workNo one can hurt you in the darkness, no one except yourselfDamn what a choice.What a fucking choice.I am just sitting around being in pain all the time, and what your supposed to do is go to therapy But I have been to therapy, I have seen those peopleI was little, sitting in offices talking about how I was being abused and no one helped me then, so how am I supposed to trust these people to help me now?I do not fucking trust anybody, no one.Not a doctor, not an expert in a field, not the people close to meYou cannot trust people because people are fucking insanos.My mother threw me down a cement staircase because she was mad that I ran away from home because I was afraid of her doing something craxy like oh, I do not know, throwing me down a cement staircaseMy dad fucking walked out, told me he was going to be with his new family because being with me was too difficult, and then showed up almost 8 years later to let me know I was a failure and I was not trying hard enoughBecause I was lying about my grades, because all the people in my house were abusive and terrible people. But he dint know that, because he had, again, been gone for about 8 years.So I digress, but if these two DNA donors cannot be trusted, how the fuck am I supposed to trust anyone elseThe only person I ever trusted, my grandma, is long since dead.And honestly, I have a harder time every day keeping myself alive instead of killing myself and going to hang out with herLike, people spend their whole lives thinking they will go to paradise, they will go to heaven. They put all their faith in people that live in the fucking sky.I met my grandma bitch, I know she was real.I remember her rubbing my back with an egg to take all the pain away, and here my dumbass is 10 fucking years later, with 10 years of pain built up in my back and my soul and my heart because I do not have anyone to rub an egg on me anymore to make me feel betterSo what the fuck manHow do I keep goingHow am I supposed to keep walking this walk when all the time I look outside and I just want to go nope and throw myself off the roofLike I am supposed to be worried about people missing me I guarantee you everyone will be just fucking fine if I am goneLike, everyone close to me at this point has only known me for 3-5 years, definatly not long enough to give more than 2 shits about 2 months after I am deadSo yeah. I am having a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeallly hard time finding reasons to stay aliveLike, for what?So I can watch everyone I love succumb to the disastrous effects of climate change? So I can die in a climate disaster?So I can die of some insano disease that I do not have any money for?Nah man fuck thatSuicide is the one time you can go hey, fuck you! and just fuck offMan, being alive is so painful. Like all day I am just sad and worried and I am supposed to just act like everything is fucking ok, and its not fucking ok and I am tired of acting like its all fucking okThe world is literally on fire, people are murdering children everywhere, and I am stuck in butt fuck suburbia being sad all day long, trying to finish my English homework which takes way more effort than it should at this point in my lifeSo I do not know, what the fuck man I cannot even tell anyone that I feel sad or else everyone is going to start worrying and freaking out and its like damn can I feel my fucking feelings? Can I talk about the world being a piece of shit and just one person go yeah you are right now what can we do? and I do not feel so fucking crazy all the timeLike how do some people have so many friends and I cannot get anyone to be my friend and talk with me and agree with me on any of this shitI feel like I am going insane, like its just me watching the world slowly implode while people are just going into work like everythings fine and we should not be paying attention to thingsI just feel so low, so pessimistic, so sad and so heartbrokenBut people say do not lose hope, and I got to say to those people you can go fuck yourselvesLike you keep being hopefull in this shitty ass world, I am done boyIm feeling like the darkness is just where I belongI do not have any kids, any family, any anything that is enough to make the darkness go awayIts just aways been there, waiting for me to just lay in it and go to sleepAnd with the way the world is right now, I do not see a reason why I should not do just that at this pointI do not want to live anymore.I am just so exhausted with being alive, with being a person, with being around other peopleI just want to scream that everything is no ok but no one listens to meI always feel so ignored, like my ideas are so uncomfortable and no one wants to deal with itAnd it makes me furious, because the truth isint an easy thing to deal with but it needs to be doneAnd no one wants to do it, so why should I stay here?Why should not I risk it all, on the off chance that I die and my grandma is there waiting for me with that egg?Pwhoooooooooooooooooooo I am having a rough one todayI just want my grandmaI do not care about anything else anymoreIm just a tired little girl who would like some affection from her grandmother, the only person who made her feel safe, and loved, and cherished, in a way that I have never felt since her deathI wish there was still someone around who loved me for me, who listened to me, but that is gone nowNow I am stuck here, on this dumbass planet with these insano people, and I am just supposed to do this and contribut to this terrible broken piece of shit ass system for the rest of howeverFuck that man I am out 7.7.21",Suicidal +24303,"Sometimes when it is all too much for me and I cannot take it anymore I just think about my death, how it would happen, where it would happen, how dying would feel. I do not know if that is the same as being suicidal because I do not have concrete plans to carry any of this out, but I find it very comforting and it helps to calm me down. (Suicide TW) Maybe it is an unhealthy coping mechanism but it helps me",Depression +24304,"I do not know where to go, or what to do, or who to call when I get like this. I feel like an asshole for not knowing what a sense of comfort is. Maybe covering myself in warm blankets mimics the feelings, I have seen that on a Reddit post before. Why is venting and talking about problems so much easier when no one knows your name? that is why I am here in the first place. Why is venting and talking about problems so much easier when no one knows your name?",Depression +24305,"Hey all, I have been diagnosed with depression for over 5 years now after a suicide attempt I made when I was just 13. I also struggle with anxiety and DPDR. I am just making this post to write down some of my feelings about depression. /// do not fall in love with your depression. Depression does not give you anything. It does not give you empathy, or a cool aesthetic, or teach you anything. Depression only takes from you. It takes up your time and energy, leaving you feeling tired and defeated day after day. Depression is not your friend, its more akin to a cancer that is stuck on your body that is slowly killing you each day. I know its easy to fall in love with depression. After all, proximity creates love. Its convenient. With so many people coming and going from our life, its easy to assume that something is worth loving if it sticks around long enough. But do not fall in love with what hurts you. do not even become friends with it. When you pass by it on the street, do not even look it in the eye. do not fall in love with what kills you every day. do not fall in love with your depression",Depression +24306,"while sitting here deep in thought i realized that sometimes while trying not to hurt myself (sh), i hurt others to cope, the ones closest to me, the ones i love the most, not physically but mentally and emotionally. i now hate myself even more and will probably never forgive myself. I am a terrible person. I am not a good person",Depression +24307,"Everyday the pain is worse.I have lost the ones I truly care about and havr little to nothing left.The only one I still have pull away everyday from me and has steamed rolled me giving me hard ultimatum saying they need to move out for at least a year while I heal myself from the loss of my dad. How does this even make sense???I am not allowed to have my feeling. there is no meeting part ways.My life is a wreck and in shambles.No family left. Financial straights. I am constantly scared. I am lost. Drowning more and more and no a life saver in sight.I turned to trying meditation, religion but it does not matter, it helps for a moment at best but the wounds are so deep. I just want to sleep. I cannot keep waking to this world. I cannot do it anymore.",Suicidal +24308,"I also posted this in the bipolar subreddit but I want to post it here too. :( So, I am on a mood stabilizer and wellbutrin and they are supposed to be helping my adhd and my mood and they are not. This sounds like I am just complaining but I am not trying to. I am just tired. I have tried so many antidepressants and each one makes me hypomanic. At this point though maybe that is preferable to how I am now, although my psychiatrist will probably never prescribe one to me again. Every day I come home and I try to get things done. What ends up happening is I collapse on the couch, my bed, or the floor in my room and stare off into space. I have no energy. Sometimes I have thoughts, sometimes I do not. I can picture a miniature me banging against my skull trying to get me to move or do something, literally anything, and I cannot. Have you guys felt this way too? These feelings are different than the crash depression that comes after mania - but perhaps it is still depression? Although I have been depressed before but this feels different. Maybe its obvious, I am sorry - but I have a lot of difficulty understanding my emotions. I have tried therapy but they just assume things. Maybe its like adhd depression or something? Or adhd making things worse? But I have no motivation whatsoever. Things that are sad or stressful happen and I am completely emotionless. At work when things get fast paced I completely dissociate and I feel like I am in a dream. And if I do cry, it stops and the emotions switch off. I feel like a robot or a machine, yet a useless one who cannot do anything. My brain feels like mush. there is so many things I could do - exercise, read, paint, study for an upcoming exam, play my instrument, bake, go outside. And yet time passes and I do nothing, aware of every minute that goes by that I am completely wasting. I feel like a fraud with my friends. With my family I am irritable and I am convinced they hate me more each day. Well, I hate me more each day too. They wonder how I can be taking my medication and still be this way. I do not know what the point of this is, I just want to be different. I want it all to go away. What is wrong with me",Depression +24309,I feel so disconnected from the world around me and myself. Like reality just seem real to me/ I feel like a ghost or simply an object. Like I am not a person. The world around me just does not make sense nor has a purpose. I feel so lost. Feeling disconnected,Depression +24310,"I feel exhausted constantly, Doing anything feels like I am dragging my feet.My whole body aches.My memory is completely trashed that remembering even tiny things is hard.I feel like I overcompensate to avoid not appearing normal.I surpress my own emotions down so much that trying to acknowledge the sadness is hard because I am trying so hard to not burden my family with my mental health.Eating feels like a chore sometimes that I have to do.Sometimes when I get really upset I just cannot sit down, I clean every square inch of my room, organize everything I can because I just do not want to sit for long with my thoughts.My mind feels like its moving a million miles but my body is like a sloth moving through a jar of honey.I randomly just cry and get bad memories that literally at random come into my head and I do not understand why. I drop a box of pizza and I want to cry because I am so overwhelmed. (Yes, I did drop a box of pizza and sobbed because I felt so guilty over it - my emotions feel just out of balance.)I feel like I am in somewhat of a haze sometimes.Just a few things lately I feel and I sometimes wonder if I am the only one dealing with these things. I feel like its hard to function correctly because of mental illness",Depression +24311,"i do not want to post this in r/trans bc i do not want my sister to see it, so I am sorry. My little sister is MTF transgender, and she is in the closet. our family is very conservative and homophobic so coming out would be dangerous. lately she is becoming more and more depressed, bc she cannot really be herself. I am so scared that her mental health will worsen and she could become suicidal. she is already saying she has no motivation and wants everything to end. how can i support her more? i have no idea how to help :( i do not think she would want to go to therapy, my parents expect her to be a perfect child and she would not want to ask for therapy and concern them. i know its a difficult situation to give advice on, especially since none of you know all the details. but if you have ANY advice i would REALLY appreciate it. i just want her to be okay :(( advice about my trans sister",Depression +24312,I am to dumb to know how to date I am almost 19 though I also look ugly all the time and I am skinny I am 130lbs at 511 I have no friends or hobbies I do not have enough money to live life. My education is super limited (never graduated hs). I work 2-10pm almost everyday doing retail being a bitch worker that makes 14.25 a hour. I am not even sad about my situation just angry and hopeless. My father is extremely dumb which I think I have is genetics and I just want to die. i just go home to be lonely everyday and I am sick of it. I let people know how I feel and they say I have to fix it myself yet I cannot figure anything out like anything being aware of being retarded in life absolutely sucks. Should one feel like dying if they cannot figure out life,Suicidal +24313,"Is it because of depression??? Probably. Do I have a plan?? Nope.Dreaming of running away and trying to pretend I do not exist for a year. Or dying somehow but that seems like so much effort at this point, I suck at it apparently. I just need to be away from people.Society makes me feel like I have no value, so fuck society. I hate these humans who walk around like zombies oblivious to anything that is not them or does not concern them. People do not care about anything but their own wants and needs, even if it fucks over others. it is disgusting. I am a hypocrite for saying it I will admit, I have done bad things in my past when I was blissfully oblivious too. But consciously knowing, feeling it all... Just too much. I hate it and all the things this world has been made into, and I would rather die than be sucked into the filth of it any more. Sigh. Rant over? Quitting my job. Overwhelmed.",Suicidal +24314,"for this small victory I have worked years to get, I have finished the academic part of school and now going in to aprentiship, I have worked for this for years, its taken so much damn efort, and yet i feel nothing, I am just reminded of my dead dreams and hopes that i can never reach, i know i will be stacking shelfs for the rest of my life, and i know there is nothing i can do about it, i feel powerless, 10 year old me would cry if they knew this was how they where going to end up, I have become everything i never wanted to be, what a sham and this will just be something i will have to live with, becasue dreams are for the lucky and deturmined, not broken husks like me I have goten to where I have worked years to be, and i feel nothing",Depression +24315,"Have you ever went against something you have been saying for a long time? It feels like I am telling myself lies. Just recently I started watching videos about biology, and deformations in the human body. These videos showed real dissections of human bodies. It sank in, like really hard, harder than it has before. We will all die. This laptop that I am typing on means nothing, every hello or greeting I say will mean nothing. I will be a pile of ash or bones in a coffin or vase. Flies will eat away at my rotting flesh, worms will bit by bit eat my bones. I am not even going to war. I tried searching for when we will be immortal and no answers came up. I am trying so hard to not die, but at times I tell myself that I should lay down AND die. I have tried to focus on other things, I tried watching meme comps on youtube. I tried listening to music and going outside. I wanted to get caught up on life residuals, I wanted to see the beauty of nature to heal and cope. But it is chaotic, at least humanity is. You do not see other animals doing what we do. So many of us have different experiences and memories. There are things I want to experience for myself. but will not be able to within whatever time I have left. The worst part is I think my life span has decreased, I inhale at least 32mg of weed (I do not smoke but I hang with people who do smoke). I am fat, I weigh in at 197 pounds, I have no real friends and that is shown to decrease lifespans. I am honestly concerned about my health, I cannot look at the sky anymore without thinking of death, ""I will not be able to see clouds anymore"". I am afraid of my own mortality and the cycle. How do I cope?",Depression +24316,"I was healthy and did not need any surgery especially to remove healthy skin and tissue that is suppose to be there. I feel violated and harmed by what was done to me. Being born male seems to come with the idea that we cannot clean ourselves enough tgat we have to be surgically altered in a way that would not be allowed to be done to girls.The argument that smegma collects in the foreskin is still true for girls in the clitoral hood (their foreskin) and labia. Women also produce smegma. The idea it may be beneficial should in no way justify surgery on a healthy child. There are so many other surgeries that could be beneficial but are not done because it would be considered unethical. An example would be to remove breast tissue from girls as that would get rid of the possibility of breast cancer, think of how many lives would be saved. it is the same logic. I have never experienced sex the way I was suppose to by nature. My bodily integrity was stolen from me. Society had more say over my body and has stolen full ownership over it. I had absolutely no immediate medical necessity for any surgery. I was healthy and was still subjected to a non therapeutic surgery. My rights were violated! My rights were violated but society justifes it",Depression +24317,Not suicidal just curious Where would you hold a pistol to your head for the most successful suicide,Suicidal +24318,"I am looking for ideas to raise depression & anxiety awareness & some ideas to let other peers know they are not alone? As far as myself, dealing with depression and anxiety is rough. IDEAS & Opinions",Depression +24319,why cannot anything go right why does everything have to be so un fucking bearable why am I still getting mad over the pettiest things why am I still alive why am I still not good enough why cannot I just die I hate this world (and all who inhabits) and I do not want to live in it for much longer,Suicidal +24320,"Took 29g of ibuprofen, 5g of quetiapine, 3g of staurodorm, washed it all down with half a bottle. Woke up to an appartment full of vomit, I guess my body is stronger than my will to live is.It does not change a thing though. I just wished people would get over themselves and let us die. You are the ones being selfish because of the survivors guilt you will know you have, but you know what, you did know all along and you chose to not help, so let us do our thing instead of controlling us, which actually just makes it all worse Abort",Suicidal +24321,"# so you are telling me it is a solution !( ) My reaction to ""suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"" will always be the same.",Depression +24322,"It started of just as a very heavy and taunting thought so I just fought it. Lately I do not have much ""fighting power"" and I am drifting closer to doing it. I have been sat in front of my meds thinking about taking them all for about 30 minutes now. I have written a note and I am really scared. I do not know how much longer I can hold on for I am tired",Suicidal +24323,"To keep a long story short :August 2020 : I met a girl who had a long distance relationship. We kept dating because we like each other.November 2020 : I was diagnosed with burnout/depressionDecember 2020 : she breaks up with her long distance relationship.February 2021: we tried to have sex but I had sexual dysfunction due to my burnout. She told me she was ""turned off"" because of it. She started to became distant and told me it was for other reasons than sexual dysfunction. I kept reaching to her because I was totally addict.June 2021 : we kept dating during all this time. after months of arguments (me asking her why she was acting distant) she broke up with me and tells me she was dating a new guy since 3 weeks ago.2 days ago I unfollowed her on social medias to help myself moving on. She was not watching my stories anymore anyway. I begged her to stay with me for a month. The day after I unfollowed her she unfollowed all my friends and asked her sister to unfollow me too. Why did she did this ? How did her noticed so rapidly that I unfollowed her ? Was she still looking at my account ?Do I have any chance to win her back after all this ? Thanks ! Help ! Will she come back ? :(",Depression +24324,"You know, I wake up in the mornings and look at the world and the people in it and wonder, ""what is happened to the world? what is happened to all of us?"" there is no more love, kindness, caring, compassion, friendship, humanity, or humility anymore.We spend most of our hours, days, weeks, and months on social media - lying about how great our lives are, knowing full well that we are lying. However, we do it, to be mean, to be spiteful and cruel to those who have horrible lives. We spend our time on social media hating and ridiculing people because they are vaccinated or unvaccinated, hating and ridiculing people because they are black or because they are white or Jewish, Muslim, Asian, or any skin color that is not our own.We do not even talk to people outside of our computers anymore. No more, ""good morning,"" ""good evening,"" or ""hello."" We barely even communicate with people on social media, because we have been brainwashed to believe that if we do not know them why talk to them? Yet 9/11 comes around and we are all ""so connected as brothers and sisters?"" No, we are not. This entire world is so divided. How do we ever get to know people, learn about their background, their experiences, how do we get to make people our brothers and sisters, no matter if we know them or not if we stay confined to living our lives only communicating with people whom we see in our own daily lives? You wake up in the mornings and the news is just filled with stories of hate, crime, and violence. New York, which used to be one of the most beautiful states in America has now been turned into a violent Mad Max type of state. California is cluttered with homeless people whom no one, absolutely no one in California gives a damn about. The good homeless are being lumped together with mentally ill people and thus are being treated like garbage, right here on American soil, and no one bats an eye, no one cares. We have vaccinated people holding parties and living life totally separate from the unvaccinated - all because we have been told that the unvaccinated are toxic, and should be avoided, without us realizing that that is a lie that is being told to keep US divided from each other, because we are all stronger together, but no, there is a division in this world, between men and women, race against race, rich/wealthy/better off and the poor and homeless, between the vaccinated and unvaccinated. We hear stories of young people, and adults committing suicide and we say things like, ""oh that is sad, I feel sorry for the family,"" but do we REALLY mean it? If that person who committed suicide had came to you, just for words of encouragement or a virtual hug before they ended their lives, would you have been there for them? No, because you do not know them, so it is not your problem. However, when someone dies by their own hand, it IS our problem, because if they die because they cannot find peace, joy or happiness here on this Earth, it is our responsibility to help them. Contrary to popular belief, every person alive is our responsibility, because outside of this simulated world we call Earth, we ARE all related. We just do not realize it here because we have been so brainwashed to not realize this truth. This world is nothing like it used to be, in the '50s and '60s, and yes,, those times had bad times too, yes, but for the most part, for the absolute most part, those times were beautiful, because there was no social media, there was just people being there for people, not FAMILIES being there for families, not FRIENDS being there for friends, not BLACKS being there for blacks or WHITES being there for whites. It was just PEOPLE being there for people - mentally and emotionally. Every child was someone else's child as well. People would walk down the street and greet each other with, ""hey, brother,"" ""hey, sister,"" and they MEANT it. Do that today and people will think you have lost your mind. Humanity is gone and for those who say, ""no it is not, look at the many missionaries who are feeding and helping the poor in these countries."" Yeah, in those countries, but what about right here on American soil? What about in the UK and in countries where extreme hunger and poverty are not a problem? Humanity is gone.I want the world of the '50s and '60s back, where people could go to sleep all night and not lock their doors - and would wake up, safe and sound the next morning. I want the world of the '50s and '60s, back where you could go outside and see kids playing in the streets, instead of inside their homes, playing mindless video games. I want the world of the '50s and '60s back where blacks would look at whites as their brothers and sisters and whites would do the same toward blacks. I want the world of the '50s and '60s back where music had actual meaningful messages to them, where men were gentlemen and women were LADIES. I want the world of the '50s and '60s back, I or anyone else could make instant, lifelong friends with people whom we never knew before. I want the '50s and '60s back, where everyone was concerned about others' welfare, their livelihood, their mental state. However....I and the few people, the very, few people who feel like me, we know we will never have those days back, because the further we all drift into years, the more we turn from being humans into being mindless, uncaring robots with no emotion, no care, no concern, no - anything that even remotely resembles humanity and that even remotely resembles how we all should be towards each other; And this is why, a lot of days, I wake up, not even wanting to even be on this planet anymore. I do not even recognize this world anymore. The hate, the disconnect that we have towards each other, the violence, the coldness have turned this world into one that is completely foreign to me. However, this is the world that we are all in. And for many, many years, sadly, this is the world I have known. What Has Happened To Our World?",Depression +24325,"I am sitting in my car on lunch thinking about my situation right now. At this point in my life a lot of people hate me because I am not living up to their expectations. Someone who I thought was my friend cut me out of his life because I am not doing what he likes - even though I have dropped a lot of things that I normally do just so he can be happy. Now I am trying to find a place on my own to live. I wish that I can say that I was happy, but I am not. I feel empty. I have not been eating properly. Id have one small meal a day, but my anxiety gets higher and higher. I have had passing thoughts of What would happen if I died right now would my friend - now ex friend - care?I cried myself to sleep and had horrible nightmares. I have felt like I am a burden or nuisance the past month. I have not been able to do what I want to do with my after work because Ill disturb everyone who is sleeping. I feel like everyone elses life would be better if I disappeared. that is how I feel right now. I do not want to feel like that but I do. And I know its not okay to think like that. I am trying to talk to a counselor through work, but he has not called me back yet.In all honesty, I want to curl up in my bed, cry, and have a real friend crawl into bed with me and cuddle me while I cry. It hurts that I am even thinking that, but I know its not going to happen any time soon.I know everyone around me is going through a lot, too. I would ask but because I feel like I am a burden, I am distancing myself from everyone. I cannot tell if I am getting better or if I am getting worse, too. I just want to be loved at this point and be held. I wish I was happier",Depression +24326,"I am officially done being nice. From now on I am going to to be an asshole, jerk, selfish and I am not going to help others if I do not want to, care about others, or do the things I do not want to anymore. I used to think that being nice was the way to like correctly, but oh boi, was I wrong. People are assholes and they live better than I do and they seem to be carefree, so now I will do the same. Being a good guy has literally gotten me nowhere In life, I thought I would have much more to show by now, but nope.I guess I will see how this goes, cannot really go anymore downhill from here. Being kind, caring, compassionate, and a ""nice"" person has gotten me nowhere",Depression +24327,"When I tried to kill myself I ended up in the hospital and it seemed like nobody cared, except my parents that were angry on me and later a little violent... Psychiatrist just told my mom that they would have never done such thing to their own mother. Later when I spoke to some people (like psychiatrists or other), they never seemed to be interested in helping me and most of them thought (i guess) that my problems were not that bad. I have never gone often to therapy and thought that most of them just found me uninteresting but is not it still their job to help me? . I had this problem in the past too and then developed a way of thinking: ""Nobody really cares and they maybe want me dead but I am also boring them"" This was when I was 13-15, now I am 18.... Anyway, this really hurt me and please__Can someone tell me how to cope with this?__ _Also there was one person that understood my pain and since then I have been obsessing over them, what do I do? __ _Please can someone help so that I do not lose hope completely, I could not find anyone's help other than here_ :'(( What to do when other people invalidate your problems? It caused me trauma",Depression +24328,My partner had to take the razor blade off of me. cannot help feeling like everyone is lives would be a lot easier if I just fucked off this earth right now Nearly had a self harm relapse after 7 years,Suicidal +24329,"I am nothing but a failure, not meant for anything. Things will not get better, nothing will improve, and my best option is to die.I have barely eaten today, and I am going to keep it up until I finally starve myself. Why should resources be wasted on me after all?I only wish I realized this sooner. I could have saved people so much time. I hope Ill be forgotten, I am nothing worth remembering. I am not fit to live anymore",Suicidal +24330,I thought hacking my daughter would bring a new sense of meaning or belonging to my life but now I just feel guilty for wanting to die and leaving her alone. I thought I would find happiness in companionship but my boyfriend is just as damaged as me. I spent hundreds of dollars on therapy to still feel the exact same. I do not know what else to do. FeelingDefeated?,Suicidal +24331,I have a lot of built in emotions from my childhood up until a break up I just went through. I find myself with a mix of negative emotions and a lot of it is surfacing up to where I am projecting it onto others and sabotaging. I love the happy and positive me. I go to therapy but its not enough to help. How do I kill the ego? Can anyone give me tips on how to unbury my emotions or how to do shadow work?,Depression +24332,I always look forward to summer because I do not have classes and they have always been the root of my anxiety but over the past month I have just been trying to get through its not any less easier and I do not want to go back to the days where I was up at night crying for hours but i cannot even pretend anymore I have gone through years of this its too much I want the pain to stop I am exhausted Summer,Depression +24333,I deserve it I want to walk into traffic,Suicidal +24334,"I have everything the average person wants. Friends, Supportive family (except for the the fact that I am in a lesbian relationship), a girlfriend, decent education and a job. I am average in looks and doing okay in school. But I still feel like absolute horseshit. There has not been a day since my 13th that I did not want to off myself and even if there was, nice moments did not stay for long. I feel like I am in no way in the position to feel like this about my life. Like I am being ungrateful for all I have. Thinking this does not make me feel more motivated to live, I just feel more guilty. I just think that someone else would have deserved this life more.idefk if someone will actually see this but whatever Puzzling",Suicidal +24335,"I am too much of a coward to cut my wrist, jump off a building or use the rope. The fear of surviving and ending up needing support for the rest of my life from a permanent disability horrifies me. I have bitcoin. just need someone who can supply or has connections for pills that will work. Need pills",Suicidal +24336,I just want everything to be over. there is no point in going on because things will not get better. I just want to stop feeling like shit all the time. No matter what I do I am never happy with myself. Suicide just seems like the best option. I cannot do this anymore,Suicidal +24337,"I am planning on buying sharp razorblades soon bc my current blade is not sharp enough, I already have a plan, as in, where and how I would do it, I would wait for my parents to leave our home, then go to the bathroom and do it in the bathtub bc I have read that I would bleed out faster in warm water, idk if it is true but ig I will try that,The realization that I will likely be Dead soon is very hurtful, but I cannot keep going like this, I think tmr I will write some notes, one for my fam, some for my friends, idk if I will pull it off bc I am a fucking pussy but I will at least start preparing to do it. I cannot take this anymore. I think and hope that I am going to be dead by the end of this summer.",Suicidal +24338,"Am I the only one that really does not like Clich statements? Like when people tell me them while I am depressed, most of the time it feels like they are just trying to reassure themselves. Sometimes it is not what is being said rather who is saying it and the intent behind those statements I guess. Clich statements",Depression +24339,"maybe I am better off alone after all. I am tired of being soft and kind to everyone. i was born with this nature and if i cannot shake it off then I will just isolate myself, that way i do not have to fake anything for anyone. i was in a fine mood but it only takes the smallest of things to set me off and ruin me inside. I am not cut out for this world and i know it. just let me sleep and never wake up again. give me an endless dream where i am actually happy for once. 3am, back again",Depression +24340,I want to kill myself. I want to die so bad Fuck this,Suicidal +24341,I just really need someone to rant/cry to. If you want to do the same Ill do it for you. I have nobody here who I can trust to hear me. Need someone to talk to.,Suicidal +24342,i was depressed from when i was 12-17 (i just recently started to slowly become less & less depressed) but today is the first time in a while that i feel it again. I am wondering if this is normal or if anyone has advice or similar experiences ? depression creeping back,Depression +24343,"Hello, as seen in the title my family in Mexico is greatly struggling financially. Trying to not get into too many personal details here, my younger cousin has been struggling with depression for years and it has gotten so severe that she has attempted suicide on three separate occasions. On this past Saturday, July 3rd, my cousin had a seizure due to her psychiatrist switching up her medications abruptly. I mention this so you can get an idea of how bad her accessible resources are. Everyone that was able to, in the family, have pitched in trying to help cover my aunt's home and medical bills as well as food costs, but we do not have enough. My cousin needs help immediately or I greatly fear for the worse. Any advice on what to do or how to help with their financial situation? I have looked into aids Mexico can offer, but I could not find any. I want to help my cousin and my family in Mexico. My cousin is so young and just imagining the pain she must feel everyday is unbearable. Thank you in advance, all input is greatly appreciated. My 17 y/o cousin is struggling with severe depression, has tried committing suicide, and our family has no money to help financially. What should we do?",Depression +24344,I have too many things going on in my head. At least one of them is going to come to a head tomorrow morning and I do not know how to stand it. I want a heart attack or a stroke. Something to put me down and out for a while. I do not want to have to take care of things anymore. Maybe a coma would be great also. A car accident would be nice. Something like that. Just want to forget it all,Suicidal +24345,I am too depressed to attend group therapy and it bothers me all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep Too depressed to attend therapy,Depression +24346,"I am really tired, i really just want to give up on life, I mean, I will die anyways right? in this world we live in people that are considered losers, people that are not good enough, people that try but fail anyways, will end up being forgotten, because no one likes the idea of people trying their hardest but failing anyways, because its unfair, but that is just how life works, its unfair.My life has been pretty much just me trying to be better, to get better, to improve, I have no talents at all, I am bad at everything, and many will say that may not be true, that ""talent"" does not exist, but i myself try to prove otherwise all my god damn miserable life. I tried sports, i was the most garbage player, all my teachers thought i was not trying hard enough, even though i was feeling so frustrated over the fact of how much i practiced and how bad i was at it, so ashamed of myself for not having the talent, ofc my asthma lead up to just me struggling most of the time to keep up with lessons and practices. Music? my presentations were the worst, and I am not being negative, i wish i was, because i know how bad my teacher felt for me every time tried to keep up with music. I tried getting better at academics, that was the worst decision of my life, trying to keep up with one of the most difficult my highschool in my country, i failed, no matter how hard i tried to show that i could at least get better at school and graduate from that prestigious highschool, i failed like the idiot that i am. What about art? all my life i wanted to become an artist, but in the few art classes that i had, the only thing i could hear from others was ""quit doing art, its not your thing"", like the ignorant i was i decided not to listen to them, and that lead to just even more disappointments, trying to prove myself, to realize just how much time i spent on something i could not say i was good enough at least, just realizing how everyone around me was right, they were not being mean to me when they were telling me to quit, its that they did not wanted me to feel disappointed of all my hard work, still bad at art, no matter how much i try, I am a failure.rn i do not really plan to do anything, what am i supposed to do? i tried, i failed, i did not give up, but it was all the same, why? were not things supposed to get better if you try hard enough? why my hard work does not pay off? i did everything i could to avoid feeling like a failure, to just realize that that is what I really am, I am tired, because life is not mean for me. Damn, even my English sucks, i should really just give up on everything, i know my family is not going to care for someone so useless like me to be gone, i do not have friends so I am sure no one is going to care, the world is better without failures. Not anybody is meant for life",Depression +24347,"I am just writing this to get some toughts out of my headI feel so lonely and touch starved, all I want is to hug and cuddle the person I loveI have not been able to talk to my girlfriend for months since her parents do not let us talk, saying that I made her act weird even tough I was helping her as much as I could to make her happyWe are a continent apart so the only thing holding us together was being able to talk every day but now it is goneNo matter what I do the taught of her not being by my side comes back and it hurts so muchI know that this kind of relationship does not work out often but what can I do if she was the first to ever love me, I feel so drawn to her and I just want to hug herI fear that if she leaves I will never find anyone who will love me againIt felt like I was finally going to be able to make someone happyI do not know what to do Love is all I want",Depression +24348,"I have not been honest about anything in many years. I lie about little things, big things, feelings, interests... I lie about my reasons for doing things, even if it does not help me at all.I have constructed a facade of a functioning, chatty person for the few people I am forced to interact with. This false person reads books, she hung out with friends last weekend, she cares about fitness and family. Not a single person on earth knows how deeply deceitful I am. Some figure out bits and pieces, but if they learned the whole picture, they would never forgive me.I feel like if someone judges me for something fake, I can deal with the pain of rejection because it is not truly connected to me. The consequence of this is that I am no longer connected to anything or anyone in my life. I feel like a hollow she will. I have put on a costume I cannot take off. I have become a completely fake person",Depression +24349,I need to turn my laptop off and put my school stuff away because otherwise my mom will be mad in the morning and go down to brush my teeth and turn off the light and get off the floor first and then get in bed but I do not know how to. Typing this is exhausting. Help? Too tired to get off the floor,Depression +24350,Its been the hardest 3 months of my life and I just had a breakdown in front of my brother at one am. He told me sweet things and now I feel hella ashamed. Idk what to do I just had a breakdown and I told my brother everything. Now I feel better and I feel ashamed about it. What should I do?,Depression +24351,use it as fertilizer and something great will grow out of it.just a quote I just made up. Had a bad day so I am trying to see the experience as something that will make me stronger. I hope it helps some of you out there. when life throws shit at you...,Depression +24352,"I am a male, and i just find it really hard to open up to them about it. well, i can usually open up, but the problem is that i feel like they think I am weak or something. even with my girlfriend sometimes, its hard to talk to her about it because i do not know if she even understands. the weird thing is, she is been through similar mental illness, at least from what i can tell. she told me she used to self harm and stuff, yet idk, i feel like she does not really understand it. what do i do? why is it so fucking hard to talk to the opposite gender about my mental illness?",Depression +24353,"I will admit idk what the fuck is wrong with me. Ever since I was young I have had the thought of killing myself. I have never had any motivation or sense of purpose for anything good. My thought process for years now has been that it is my destiny to kill myself. I am 22 now and I am about to fail university, I have got no life skills for the working world, so I am not prepared for life. Tbh I am not a hard worker either. I have never had anything to complain about, I do not live a bad life, all my issues are my own and are caused by me. I am extremely jealous of others and I am constantly ashamed of myself for not being good enough. The truth is some people are destined to be great people with amazing talents. Other people like me a destined to be lazy and waste their life until they decide to kill themselves. So that is what I am going to do, because nothing will change the fact that deep down all I am is a lazy piece of shit who is full of hate and I cannot be arsed with anything anymore. I am just tired of living as a human, I hate being conscious I cannot fucking handel it anymore. Do you know what it is like to constantly be thinking of suicide your entire life everyday, do you know how much that shapes your every choice because you believe every year will be your last? To look in the mirror everyday and see nothing but a failure? It sends me fucking crazy because one second I can appreciate how beautiful life is, then the next all I can think about it killing myself. It sends me crazy because I am so angry with myself for not being stronger and just changing myself. I wish my stupid fucking parents could of kept it in their trousers. I feel like I am mentally prepping for my suicide",Depression +24354,"I was bullied as a teenager and then I had an eating disorder. Actually two. I always thought that people would like me when I looked good and was successful. I have been depressed all my life, but no one held my hand, instead I saved myself. Then I became a new person. But this time it was like my feelings were on fire. I did not want their love because I knew their love was fake. I searched in the books. I have been an observer and never experienced it. People describe me as cold, but for years I lived without the slightest warmth, and eventually my feelings began to fade. I do not even remember the dreams I had while reading a book right now. Even if I see warmth, I do not feel it. All i want now I to be more successful, improve my appearance and improve myself. I used to feel missing but i knew what was missing inside of me. I do not feel missing now, i do not feel anything. But I know deep down, somewhere, there is sadness. I do not feel missing now, i do not feel anything. But I know deep down, somewhere, there is sadness.",Depression +24355,I am tired. I am tired of everything. I wish I could just disappear and no one would notice. I wish they could forget me when I am gone. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of struggling. I just want to die. I just want to disappear,Suicidal +24356,I am an almost 23 year old trans woman and I live in the South. I transitioned in my teens and have been mentally female as long as I can remember. Transitioning has been a blessing but also a curse. Gender dysphoria is the something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Before transitioning I simply would not label myself anything sexuality wise because being a gay male never felt true to me even though I was assigned male and am attracted to men. I always identified internally as a straight female. I graduated high school online. I tried public school but would stop going because of the bullying and harassment. When I finally transitioned I felt excited and happy but as the years went on the dysphoria got worst and I became more unhappy with myself. My parents divorced when I was 15. I still feel somehow responsible for it party. I always had problems and I always felt the strain it put on my family and parents. I cannot work because my anxiety is so bad I vomit and shake. I feel like every single person that looks at me or knows me is judging me. My two past relationships ended terribly. And I always blame myself and who I am for it. I truly feel unlovable. No matter how many surgeries or hormones I get I feel inadequate and inhuman. Nothing I can do elevates my sadness. I want to die peacefully and painlessly. that is what would make it better. Transgender female lost,Suicidal +24357,"my mom is not a bad mom. she is actually like my best friend in a lot of ways (...that is probably more so because I am a fucking loner but anyways...) but sometimes she really struggles with being empathetic. like really. whenever I am home and I am inevitably depressed because my brain sucks and being home sucks and just everything fucking sucks, she would sooner lecture me about the importance of staying active and utilizing my ""free time"" and shit before providing actual emotional support. or, like, validating my feelings. not even a simple ""I am sorry you are going through this.""she takes it personally. when i do not feel like going out for a walk with her and the dog. when i do not want to come out of my room. when i do not want to go anywhere. she tells me what i ""should"" be doing, how this is bad for my health, what I am doing wrong. as if i do not understand that laying in my bed all day except to get food is not exactly a great way to live or stay healthy. as if I am oblivious despite sitting here all day alone with my thoughts. if anything my depression makes me hyperaware of my issues.over the years, i feel like I have explained myself over and over again. and yet it never sticks. because it is always the same fucking lecture. ""your body is literally going to deteriorate if you do not move."" ""your wasting your youth - the years when you have the most energy, time, and do not have to worry about bills."" ""sitting is the new smoking.""god. please leave me alone if you do not want to actually give me support. because otherwise you are making it worse. the worst part is that she does not understand how her lectures are not helpful. she just sees her good intentions and me not responding well to them. so then she thinks I am just not trying hard enough, or do not care enough, or whatever. even though when I am at my place at school I am super lonely and isolated, i at least can breathe just a little more. I am so tired. vent: non empathetic mom",Depression +24358,"I am quite drunk right now so I am a little worried I will do something drastic but when I wake up I am going to hang myself from a belt. Obviously I am incredibly empathetic towards my sister and parents, but this is something I need to do. I am fucked in the head, I am fucked from a judgemental outlook on life, I just feel like I will never find anyone accepting of me. Think I am going to do it tonight or tomorrow",Suicidal +24359,"I have reached a new level of depression (for myself).I have never thought about suicide on a consistent stream-of-thought basis all day, ever. it feels like I am the embodiment of self-hatred and death. i cannot get out of this loop.i have absolutely no relief. my head hurts. new level achieved",Suicidal +24360,"NOTHING is happening anymore I am completely in pain. I have never been like this before. I AM A TEENAGER. I should NOT be feeling like this. Every night I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep. That I never wake up ever again and have to deal with this pain I go through EVERY FUCKING DAY. I am tired of it. I lost that one person in my life for another boy and its been what like 2 years now and I am still not over her. People say oh you will be fine in a week which is total bullshit. I cannot stop thinking about ending it because nobody gives two shits about me in school and out. I will not be surprised one day if I decide to end me. I have already planned out my suicide, how am going to do it, where, only question is when? Well when I have nothing to live for. When all my family have passed away and I have nothing.. that is when Ill do it. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT.",Suicidal +24361,"I luckily rarely feel bad depression, tonight is one of those times. This post is just to write it out of myself.I feel like I am in a battle with my own thoughts and emotions. Right now I feel alone even though I have people who support me. I do not want to give in to depression, but I also do not have life goals, motivation or really anything that excites me. I do not have a bad life, but I do not have anything going on now (no job, no healthy hobbies, no meeting with people). I was not fully okay when I still attended school either which makes me worried/scared that this feeling will come back even when I will finally have a job that occupies my mind.I am stressed about having to juggle and fix so many things in my life at once: work, friendships, house chores, anxiety, depression, hobbies, habits, therapist... it is too much, and it feels like I am going nowhere. It feels like that even though I try to be better, get better, it works only for some time then all comes crashing down. As if it was a sign that my efforts are worthless.I really want this war in my head to end. Even though anxiety and depression have been giving me a hell of a time in these past months, somehow I still have hope left. Somehow I still do not want to give up. I feel like I am super strong but at the same time I feel weak. Not always, just rarely. Normally I ""only"" feel meh, like my default is a bit lower than the average, so I can still function properly but I do not have a drive, an ambition for anything. I do not want to be on autopilot or worse anymore, I am not sure how to change that though.(there is no need to write anything under this post, like I said it is just to clear my headspace a bit. But if you really want to comment, leave the negative energies out of it, I do not want to feel worse.) Battling with myself",Depression +24362,"I have always taken away anything good from myself. I had feelings for someone for the first time. We talked for months on ig and never met cuz there is a distance. I slowly got insecure. Fast actually. I was experiencing my first psychosis too and did not know. So that does not help. The first time i had an outburst i remember thinking after that it was almost like I wanted him to reject me. (But I do not) It was that hard to believe. Everytime I showed that I had concerns about wether he feels the same for me. He would not say much even if i was straight up asking him and then he would talk to me the next day like i was not a NUT. When i get like this i continue to sabotage myself being insecure makes me more insecure. I think it was just all that was left and then i woke up from the psychosis and shits just been heavier and while depressed i decided to ruin shit some more. (I always wonder why he kept talking to me) by removing him as a follower that did it. I fucked it up. I want to change tho. I want to get better. I want stop destroying things that are good for me and all of my chances at living nice and enjoy things without feeling guilty especially if it is for my growth and improving my mental health. And if i fuck it up but i do not want it to be i want to try and unfuck it and have courage. And I am fine with some not liking me but honestly not him not because I do al this stuff to ruin my life, unconsciously, consciously, psychotic feeling the best I ever have or depressed. Maybe i just want to fight for something this time and take responsibilty. His existence like watching his ig stories made me genuinely happy even on days we did not talk. I look up to him as a person. Like after a night out enjoying myself i felt weird and guilty the next day even though i did everything right I was told, and I watched his story and it just give me this feeling that there is hope for me. I could take care of myself someday and feel happy and not worry and not be concerned with much else but myself and what I love. It just brings me peace to know that I have someone like that in my life even from a distance. A good influence. because i do not have much and I do not know many people and do not have friends yada yada. I do not expect anything. I just want us to be cool. Can I ask him to be friends after I fucked up every chance of having something good?",Depression +24363,"I do not want to be a nazi, I do not want to be a Hindu nationalist or an ethno-nationalist. I have been born and raised in a right wing family, like racist dad and everything(were not white). My dad has openly said some stuff to people that would not go down well and I do not want to be forced into being a nazi. He wants me to join the rss(Indian kkk but more larger and powerful). The RSS is a Hindu nationalist organization, its like white nationalist but Indian. I do not want that, I want to be able to love someone who is not racially similar. God, this sucks so much. I was dating somebody who happen to be white, and I think I rly, rly likes her. I would say loved her but I am only 17. I hurt her and made her cry for days when I told her I did not want to be with her, but I did want her. Honestly, I think I loved her. She still tries to talk to me but I pull away because I know its wrong to be with her. My father would not approve and might disinherit me if he found out. I am stuck and suffocating. I am depressed. I have nothing to look forward to.",Depression +24364,"Hey, I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety and some other stuff. After my new meds and good psychologist, I am doing better since 8 years. It feels great but I find it a scary process because of the relapses I have had in the past so I do not want to jinx it by being overly positive about it. What I am struggling currently is the physical and mental toll good days are giving me afterwards. it is not as bad as my depression days but it just makes me feel fatigued in a different way. For example I would have maybe 5 good days in a year and now I am having maybe 3 a month, sometimes more. So it is an massive improvement but the thing is, I get so damn tired after a few good days and just crash. My body feels just heavy and slow. Its like my body cannot process all these positive emotions and just is not used to it working differently. it is as if my brain is saying 'happy time's up!' and then shuts off. Is it just my brain getting used to all the serotonin and needs time to adjust? Does anyone relate to this? Is this normal going through recovery? Drained after a good day, can anyone relate?",Depression +24365,I have reached a strange point where I cannot get over her. I have reached a point where I am literally begging to die. Just defeated,Suicidal +24366,"i really am a sad and disgusting waste of flesh, food, and money. my mother found one of my blades and cut herself on it, now she is pidsed at me. i deserve every bruise and scar and cut and mutilation I have ever done. to add onto that, my grandmother is dying, my depression medicine is doing nothing, and I am supposed to be clean and cannot go more than a day or two without cutting myself. i deserve to die. i really really suck. I am so fucking pathetic",Suicidal +24367,"Hi everyone. I am an 18 year old Male, and I have been depressed ever for about 5 years. For the longest time, I have been captive to suffering in silence. But I cannot keep it in anymore. I need help, and I am fucking terrified to admit it. My depression has been getting steadily worse for a year. I have been close to ending it all many times, I feel like I am drowning, but every day I put on my smile and act like nothing is going on.I cannot keep doing this. But I do not know how to tell my family how I feel. I hardly know how to talk to anyone anymore. I could really use some advice from those of you who have been in my shoes, talked to someone, and got help. Thank you all in advance. I am considering opening up to my family, I need pointers.",Depression +24368,Before i go away should i write i big text? One last meeting? A brief message? How should i say goodbye?,Suicidal +24369,"I see them texting each other talking shit about me right next to me, and they screenshot my Snapchat story to show to each other and laugh at me over. My mom even shames me whenever I bring up food or eating. I know they would not care if I was gone. They used to be all I have, now they are just against me. I am stuck on a vacation with them right now and I have no way of escaping except the bottles of meds in my suitcase My family all hate me",Suicidal +24370,"My dear friend who I have been with for about a year is going through a lot of shit right now, and I have not exactly been helpful. I feel fucking awful over shit I have done and I think they hate me now. I have no reason to live without him so I might as well get it overwith and let him be free of me. I think my friend hates me",Suicidal +24371,None of my friends ever try to help me even though they know how much pain I am in and whenever I try to talk to my family or people online about it no one understands and no one can help me. I have called the hotline before and its not helpful No one would care if I killed myself,Suicidal +24372,"I do not know why I do not have a good reason, maybe its because I am pretty isolated but theoretically things should be looking up for me but I have never felt more like I wanted to hurt and bleed and make stupid dangerous choices. I want to hug someone who cares about me and I just want to know what my purpose is. I am very very tired and I am trapped inside of my own house my own head and the past actions people did to me and I cannot get out of it and I fucking wish I could I want to get out I am feeling so out of it and low",Suicidal +24373,"Once I post here, I feel terrible. After a while, I just have to do it because I cannot get it off my mind. It makes me feel like an attention seeker. that is why most of the time I write ""just a vent post"". While I want someone to see, I do not want them as well. it is odd. I do not want to be an attention seeker so I delete it after a while. I am probably going to delete this after a while. I wanted to post this because I saw a post a couple (week, days?) ago, and one of the comments mentioned people deleting their posts after a while so I wanted to see if you can relate before I feel the urge to delete it again. I sometimes think as if I should not post here and feel guilty when someone responds because they could be responding to someone who is actually struggling and needs help but they are wasting their time on me and feel the necessity to apologize. The friends that I have are online and I am kind of scared that they would think I am an attention seeker or something similar. Maybe they would hate me if they saw it so that kind of plays into the role of me deleting it. I am unsure of most things and often think I am faking it so I want to beat myself to a pulp. that is about it. If you stuck around then thank you for reading. Hey, just a question. People that delete their posts after a while. Is your thought process the same as mine?",Suicidal +24374,"I fear death, but I crave the release of this life. I pray to whatever nameless god that I can come to accept the beauty of nothingness and that I can die peacefully, relieved it will all be over. I am not built for this world, I do not want to work, I do not want to chase my hopes and dreams, I just want tranquility and peace but every waking moment I am just reminded of pain. I wish I can live as a halfling in a pleasant village in a world of magic and wonder, I can choose to live a quiet life or one of peril and adventure. I know no pain, no sickness, only peace and joy and sometimes unpleasant emotions to make the good times better. But my life is constant suffering, I fear sharing this with my family because I do not think they would understand and I do not want them to worry or get involved with my feelings and emotions. I do not know what to do and I feel like death is the only solution. I want death. I am 19, a dude, and a NEET (not employed, in education, or training). I graduated high school.",Suicidal +24375,"I have dealt with really bad insecurities since i was little and only in the past few years have been able to attribute it to my depressionmy relationships with friends and my girlfriend feels like its in a constant state of deterioration. i feel like i get on everyone is nerves or am a burden. my girlfriend is very supportive and reassures me of her love/attraction to me almost every day and it feels like i bog her down. i constantly think she is not happy with me or looks at other people as more attractive. not because i do not trust her, she is given me no reason to do so. i just think of myself as so ugly and pathetic that I am impossible to legitimately love. anytime i try to talk to my friends (especially my partner) about it they are always very supportive. but like clockwork, i come away from the conversation thinking, I am making them sad, annoyed, uncomfortable, mad, etc) and the frequency of it does not help.it got so bad that recently my girlfriend told me no matter how much you hate yourself, please do not leave which i could not tell if it was comforting or stupid that she should have to tell me that.she know about the insecurities, panic attacks, self hatred, bad days. but i cannot help but ink she thinks i wished he looked more like that guy or if only he was confidenthow can i get better? i need legitimate help. its impossible for me to believe people are legitimately happy with me in their life/love me",Depression +24376,"today i was left home with just my mom and she took the opportunity to confront me and tell me she thinks i might be depressed, and that the rest of my family feels the same way. for some reason I am frustrated though? one would think it would be a relief because it means i can get help, but instead, all i feel is angry. does anyone know why this might be? and how can i actually open up and talk about it because all i did was deny that i have it during the conversation. idk... my mom confronted me",Depression +24377,"The first time I attemted suicide, the pills I took were not enough. The second time eather. Now I have 15 prescribed pills left, 0.25mg each of xannax.I kind of stole about 7 Halcion pills (triazolam) of 0.125mg And already drank about 2ml of clonazepam on drops(like 50 or 55 drops, not a lot) I have hope that that dosage will kill me, but I have a little suspicion that they will not end up killing me, just sleep me and be in peace for a couple hours. So please I beg, can someone tell me how many more of each I need to collect so when I drink it all it will actually kill me? If not, is there any other platform or subreddit I can go for help? Maybe if I mix it will alcohol? Would that help? I need help",Suicidal +24378,I feel like I am out staying my welcome. Someone kill me. Need to die,Suicidal +24379,And my reality is no where nere such. What fucks me up the most in life is the picture in my head of how it supposed to be..,Suicidal +24380,"I have been living a lie for so long I have been telling others that my life is okay, when nothing is ok, lying that college is OK, lying about work, about making money, about being happy, I am so lost and I do not know what to do, it is all about the future but i cannot see a future where I live happy in it Making my life a lie",Suicidal +24381,"I truly have never been more depressed in my life, but I cannot bring myself to kill myself because I have to take care of my cats. I pray that they are keeping me alive for a reason. And I pray that anyone who sees this is able to find at least ONE reason to stay alive. For me that reason is my cats. do not forget to give your pets a hug because they are so happy and grateful that you are still in their life. So much love for everyone here. My cats are the only thing keeping me alive rn (sad but kind of funny)",Suicidal +24382,"I do not know why I feel so triggered easily. It does not matter if they are kids or adults, they just seem to disregard manners, lack consideration, and are very dismissive when spoken to yet so quick to speak only about themselves and their interests. It discourages me from socializing and sometimes depresses me how I get dismissed.Am I over analyzing or being nitpicky? cannot tell if overly observant or people have really bad communication habits/demeanor?",Depression +24383,"I do not know if this sounds stupid, but I do not see the point in trying to reach my adult years. The world is so fucked. there is so much war,and violence, and only the rich and powerful people seen to be getting anywhere in life. I am constantly paralysed by the fears of global warming, or natural disasters or nuclear attacks. Apparently the affects of global warming will be irreversible in 7 years,and nobody seems to care,or be doing anything about it,so I am going to die soon anyway. I just do not want to be around when it all goes to hell. I cannot see any of the positive things about this planet anymore. I feel incredibly stupid writing this,because all these bad things happening are completely out of my control, but I just feel hopeless for the future,and like most people on this subreddit, I do not even have a good enough reason to go. Have you guys at least got good news about the climate change or pollution problems, just so I can try and convince myself that there might still be hope?Idk I just do not see the point",Suicidal +24384,"I have been depressed for like , I do not know , 2-3 years and I think I am becoming more self centered and narcissistic. I really try not to , but when you are somewhat smart ( not anything special just not dumb ) and you feel like shit and a constant failure , how are you supposed to care about the problems of people that live happy lives. I cannot go without crying and having suicidal thoughts for a single day and I should feel bad when my friends , that have almost everything going well with them , have the mildest inconvenience ?? I know it makes me look like an asshole but it gets hard sometimes I think I am being all the less empathetic",Depression +24385,"this was my date last year but i was in a psychward so i did not get to do it. ill be following my dad out 3 years to the day in the same way. things are going good for me yet i still feel like pure shit and i do not think its ever going to get better because I am doing everything right and nothing works. i feel defeated. atleast ill be at peace with my dad. the world is not for me. i do not want validation just a place to vent i guess. everyone in my life thinks I am better so it will be easier to achieve. i hope you guys will get to do everything you dream of, everything you want to and live life to the best you can and do what you want, i have just under a month left to close all the gaps. i have a date.",Suicidal +24386,"I have left school now and I am moving onto a new college. My friend group organise stuff but I am not too interested in their activities since it only involves Drinking, Smoking, Drugs, and jumping into dirty ponds. I work from 6am to 5pm every weekday so the only time I have free is the weekend and they do not want to do anything then since they have an overhang or feel destroyed since they have been doing drugs (weed and cocaine) or they spend the day in the dirty pond. I can already see my friends as failures like the rest of society around me. They offer me the drugs/alcohol/smoke etc saying its not addictive, its fun but what they do not realise is that its psychologically addicting not physically addicting. I have a perfect example of my friend which is unnamed. My friend said 8 months ago that hell try it once and once only do not worry about me and now 8 months go by and hes smoking weed and buying from multiple dealers and he drinks his life away at every party he goes to. Every event is full of drugs and alcohol. I remember the good old days when we had real fun.I feel like all I do is work and sleep and I have no social life at all. I know that I make more money than any of them since I save it and make it. Non of them even invite me out anymore since I do not do that stuff, instead they merge with another group which is highly into drugs. I was thinking about how I am going to make new friends but there is little to non chance of me getting any since. I go to college for the next 2 years of my life which usually is not enough time to make proper friends. But the college I am going to is not that exiting either. So if that does not work, I am heading into the family business which includes 5 members of my family and that is it. So there would not be any friends to have for me, while everyone else is having a good time.Thanks for reading, I hope you understand mePlease help me I am a mess I feel depressed af M16",Depression +24387,I am a 22 year old depressed trust fund kid who does not have a job but is in college. I do not work because I hate all the jobs I have tried multiple places already and have so much job experience. Any recommendations of part time jobs for a college student that might make me happier and less of a loser I am in college because I want to be educated and it costs me nothing to become educated also I am depressed because all I do is stay home with no social life whatsoever 22 and depressed,Depression +24388,"for the last couple of months I have lived alone (20F) and i do not live in the same city as my family or my friends (have not for a few years now) and i also do not talk to any of my friends or most of my family regularly. not intentionally or in a sad way i just have that kind of relationship with most people in my life where even if you do not see each other a lot, when you do its like nothing had changed- which is great. But it recently dawned on my that i have no one to tell about my day. and i just realised how incredibly lonely that makes me feel. i think i feel disconnected from everyone right now because when i do eventually see or speak to people its a catch up of overall news of big changes in peoples lives that i miss out on hearing small details and funny, sad, interesting even boring every day moments and I am worried too much time has gone to get those connections back. I have just realised how lonely i am",Depression +24389,"I will try to make this short. I have terrible social anxiety and depression. I am addicted to Xanax but have not used since February. My parents just today found out I will be obtaining more very soon. They do not like this because of the issues its caused when used improperly. we have had a rough few years because of this aspect of things. I abused it and caused a real shit show for everyone. My social anxiety is the reason I have no friends and no real relationships besides my close family. I am non functioning. I need the right dose of a benzo to be functional. In response to finding my plan out, my mother cancelled my government subsidized phone plan, changed the wifi password, and told me I need to be out in a week. My mental health is fucking terrible and I have already wanted to die for a while, but have never been willing to go all the way. Now that life is going to be x100 harder than it already is I just cannot continue on. I am currently changing clothes at least a couple times a day due to anxiety sweating. What am I going to do homeless, just sit in my own puddle? Life is miserable already. Throw homelessness in and it is complete hell. I am done trying. At soon as I am on the streets, I am going to go buy a few fentanyl pills, then go into the woods and take a bunch of Xanax and then the fentanyl. it will be like going to sleep. I truly believe I will finally be happy when I am dead. it will be like a weight lifted off my shoulders. going to be homeless, I am done",Suicidal +24390,"I have a way to kill myself. I have plenty of reasons to. The only reason I have not is because I am scared. But I really just want to die. I keep trying to find reasons to keep going but none ever work. My friends leave me, my passions fizzle away, and life just keeps getting worse. The world we live in is going to shit and I do not think I can live in it anymore. Sorry for chatting here, just needed to vent somewhere. I need a reason to keep going.",Suicidal +24391,I do not think I have depression but I have definitely gone through phases of self harm and numbness I try and stay as positive as possible to try and hide myself from my friends and family and I think it working. I think a friend saw my scars on my shoulder when I was getting ready and he may of told the rest of my friends. I feel like know cares about anything important and we are becoming emotionless robots trying to sustain life while still continuing out self destructive behaviour. Anyone else think this? Burnout,Depression +24392,I have been rejected and dumped do many times and it does not hurt anymore it just fuels me to succeed which sounds good at first but it only fuels me so i can show the people that have hurt me that they are like missing out and i fucking hate it but love it at the same time i hate how fucked it is but love how it motivates me to do what i want to spite those who hurt me I know this does not really belong here but if anyone knows why this happens like a mental illness please tell me I need help,Depression +24393,"I was told take a group of people that I could talk to so I made FB chat saying the following:Hi everyone and welcome to this light hearted group. Sorry that is a lie. I have talked to numerous agencies and they have all advised more or less that I need a group of people that I can talk to about, well what is basically sending me down th sprial to kill myself. Sorry its not light hearted and fun but as sure you 4 know I am anything but that. So here is you chance to back out and bit be a apart of this I will not judge you for it. I am a dick and in know I am I have pushed every button I can with some of you. So I do not blame you for not wanting to help me. To set up what this group will be about its to help me. I really hope that it turns into us helping each other though, as i hate being selfish what helps one should help another. I will give ya'll and day to decide of you want to basically be my therapy I will not thing any different of you if you do not. Xx Was I right to do so? Did I do right?",Depression +24394,No one besides me gets hurt. I am already covered in acne scars. I feel like I deserve it. Besides any moral reasons (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) I cannot find a reason not to. Help me. Give me a reason not to cut.,Depression +24395,"Once again, here I am writing for this subreddit because I do not know where else to go. I am just so sick and tired of being alone, its like nobody cares and talks to me, I am always alone everyday, gaming does not do it for me anymore, I just lie in bed thinking about life and how I could be better in it. This is hard. Fuck this",Depression +24396,"I grew up in Los Angeles. I was sexually abused by 4 cousins, I was emotionally abused by my father who is now on his deathbed and have not seen in 5 years and does not even know my kids. My mom beats me up about reuniting with my father because hes dying, I am 8 months clean from cocaine and fentanyl addiction. I am still addicted to alcohol and drink myself to sleep everyday. I have tried to kill myself many times downing benzos, I am scared to hang myself because I still have some belief in god but its crazy because I hate religion, I hate Jesus because I have done nothing but good in life yet I am punished for no fucking reason!!! Why must I bare all this weight? I have kids that love me so fucking much yet I push myself away because I am so mad at the world and at myself. Someone just talk, I cannot do this anymore, sorry for being all over the place. I have 7 kids and cannot find happiness",Suicidal +24397,"You know, the typical bullshit you see in coming of age high school movies like: I feel alone, nobody understands me, I do not fit in, I am not good at anything, I am self conscious about how I look, act, and talk, I have no motivation, etc.All of this would be fine if I was a moody insecure teenage girl, but I am going to be a 21 year old man in a couple months and I honest to god have shown no maturity or development since I was 15I do not think these problems will ever cease to exist I am 20 and having the same problems that 13 year olds have",Depression +24398,"I am depressed I am circumcised and angry my parents did it. I want to talk to them about it but do not have the courage.I am restoring my foreskin which helps but it is fucking stupid I have to do that. Why could not I have all the parts I was born with, that were a part of MY body until someone mutilated me for no reason?I am 24 and should be focusing on life but I am too fucking distracted with the fact that I am genitally mutilated and everyone tells me I should be thankful and nobody gives a shit about how I feel. Fuck my parents who did this to me and fuck the doctor who did it.The only person who listens is my wife but I can tell she does not want to keep hearing about how I am depressed about it and it makes me feel like a burden.it is the one thing that makes me fucking hate my country. Fuck everyone who has ever done this to their kids and fuck society for making it okay. Anyone who is okay with it is a piece of shit and should burn in hell. Depressed I am circumcised",Depression +24399,"Just when I think my mental health condition is the worst and it cannot get worse than this somehow things get even messier the next day. I do not even feel the importance of trying to make myself feel better because it does not actually work. In the end of the day I am alone with my depression, my deteriorating mental health, my persistent anxiety. I am losing my interest in everything. I do not talk to my close ones anymore,I do not do things I used to do. Right now I am not looking for ways to feel better because I know there is no point. I cannot..",Depression +24400,"I think I should kill myself, not because I am depressed or mental. (I am) Or because of how much I hate myself and hurt inside. (I do) Or even because of all the shit I have to deal with from people. But because what is the point of any of it? Why live just to die? should not I just opt out? it is going to happen anyway. In the end it does not even matter. Nobody will know I ever existed 100 years after I am dead. I might die tomorrow anyway. Why wait? Give me an actual reason. Why should I have to go through all of all of this, just to reach the end and have everything wiped clean? I think I should kill myself.",Suicidal +24401,"I will try to keep this relatively brief if I can. I am suffering. I was diagnosed with ""Severe depression with suicidal tendencies and PTSD"" when I was 12 years old. I received treatment and things went generally smoothly up until this year. I have joined the military 3 years ago and this job has absolutely stressed me beyond anything I could have imagined. I started having severe depressive episodes to the point where I have come extremely close to killing myself multiple times for years. On top of that, I am in charge of a specific section with only one person in it besides me so with the workload, my own extreme loneliness, and not being able to take a vacation for more than a week, I am at my lowest point of my life. I have tried so hard to make things better with myself by working out and getting in better shape, going out with my work friends more, and taking time for myself...but nothing is working for me anymore. I just go home and lay down on the couch to watch YouTube and TV and just wallow in pain. I no longer take care of myself, just enough to not raise any suspicions about me at work. I lie so much to everyone that I have a great life when in reality I am a fucking failure with no luck in terms of romance, sex, friendships, being a good brother/son/uncle, and a good leader. I feel like my empathy has died because I am starting to notice that I only really care for babies and animals, not even my family I can empathize with anymore. I sleep about 2 hours at night, I barely eat anymore, I barely work out, and I barely leave my house besides for food. I have turned to binge drinking just so I can feel some sort of happiness because being alone with my thoughts in painful. I cannot cry anymore and all I feel is constant anxiety, stress, and this seething rage that just never goes away. My family has a history of mental illness and I hypothesize that I might have Bipolar 1, but I cannot get it diagnosed. Because of my status as a military member, I cannot get it diagnosed because I know that I will get kicked out for it being a ""Psychotic mood disorder"". I know it is best to get some professional help because if my supervisors and family knew how badly I wanted to kill myself, it would more than likely ruin my life and reputation. I am trying to hold out til next year when I officially get out and can move away and move on to a better job, but I do not know if I can hold out anymore. I still have hope that things will get better but that light is starting to fade and I am seriously contemplating just ending my life before I ever really had a chance to live it. I want the things normal people have but I do not know if I ever will. I want to establish roots in a community, have a family, live a normal life with friends and family...but I do not think I ever could. I cannot imagine I will get better and it haunts me that I am a 22 year old man and I might end up in Hell, or the nothing, or whatever the fuck we end up. I want to find peace and just live a normal life....a better life than the one I have only seemed to ever know. My heart hurts so much and I really do wish to get better, but I do not know if I ever will. I do not even know where to start to change myself. Please help me because I do not think I am strong enough to help myself anymore... I do not know where else to go now.",Depression +24402,I want die but i feel ashamed than my family and friends will think.... I need everything to look like an accident i want die !?,Suicidal +24403,"Man life sucks alot. I am tired of giving so much and just get shat on. Every time I feel like life is going well for me ot just turns into a pile of shit. I cannot ever win and honestly I do not expect to anymore. If I am not fulfilling others needs I am selfish, but if I try to help myself become better I am selfish. The amount of times I have given everything to people and nothing has come from has been too much on me. I am tired of finding a spouse and telling them about my personal feelings about practically being a slave my entire life and then they use that against me. I am tired of giving my life to my religion and my God just hurts me more. I am tired of always waking up and just instantly just hate that I did. And yet the times I have tried to commit suicide it did not go right. It feels like the world just wants to play with me like a toy but do not want to throw me away. If its not what a spouse wants they will make sure it will not happen but I am selfish for it. If its not what my parents or family wants they will make sure I will not get it but I am selfish for it. what is the fucking point no one can ever win in this fucked up world. I feel like Blind Willie McTell. He said ""You made me love you and you made me cried, because you remember that you were born to die"" its just what were meant for. Why does this happen to me i feel like I am just cursed or something. You know what is the point?",Suicidal +24404,"I have always had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager but in recent years things have been bad. The last year has been difficult for me as I was made redundant last July. I live with my mother, I am still a virgin at the age of 31, never had a girlfriend or kiss a girl. I suffer from low confidence/self esteem issues, anxiety and depression. I have also self harmed. I have seen counsellors on several occasions, referred to CBT, taken anti depressants, spoken to the Mental Health crisis team on several occasions on the phone.It still has not hampered my thoughts of killing myself and then feeling worse for not having the courage to do so. Everyday I look in the mirror I turn away in disgust at my appearance and fight the urge to smash my head in the mirror. The only time I feel at ease is when I sleep and am not plagued by nightmares.Is it wrong to feel that though death is permanent at least the suicidal feelings in my head will stop. Suicidal thoughts",Depression +24405,"I cannot take any more betrayal. I wish I wanted nothing from people. I want to be alone forever, but I want love. I wish I was not created. People are disappointing",Suicidal +24406,"I have not been this depressed in a long time and I have no idea how to cope. I feel guilty and humiliated. I have not been able to have an orgasm without crying or feeling disgusting since the SA( It happened fairly recently. ). Idk how to feel like myself again. The few people I have told ask me if I am ""ok"" and I cannot say no because they need me to be. Otherwise they worry and it makes me feel even more guilty. Depressed after Sexual assault and ready to give up.",Depression +24407,everything has to be done exactly like on the sheet even if its the exact location of one word. and they keep coming to my room every 2 hours without knocking to come in and point out every single thing i did wrong and walk out this is why i want to live alone the only time they speak to me is when they want to say i did something wrong why the fuck am i being asked by my parents to do fucking write a document for them I am on my break and i just want to be left alone,Suicidal +24408,I have never been this alone/unhappy before and its like nobody can see it. I have been trying to hold on for so long but I do not know how much more I can take. Its like I am screaming and no one can hear,Suicidal +24409,I tell them I am because I am too afraid to let them know I am not. Everyone asks if I am alright.,Depression +24410,"I am out of options, I just need my voice.. OUR voice to be heard. I need someone that believes in me, believes in US. I suffer from a rare condition called PSSD. I know a lot of you have heard about it but from some comments I have seen a lot of ppl do not seem to take us seriously. Unlike some other rare conditions I cannot go to a doctor and be treated or diagnosed with it, we are all literally gaslighted by the same ppl that gave us the condition? So what am I left to do? It was not until after 7 months of having it did I find out that I had PSSD. Something was off with my body, my emotions, my brain. It was such a relief to find out what it was that I was going through only to be shattered by all the doctors I went to claiming it is not real. Now I have tried a lot of things, I have reinstated multiple SSRIs, it did a good deal on mood but nothing for anhedonia, libido, etc etc, all the things that made my life exciting, enjoyable; do not get any sort of side effects from SSRIs now like I would when I first started using them before PSSD. I do not know, I am a fighter. I will not give up until I know its over for me. there is still a couple things I want to try before I come to my final decision on my life. I just know if doctors started working on this years ago they would have found a cure by now. I just feel alone. Maybe this is my last push, if nothing will cure me I need communities like this one to push the word out. I know from the inside in especially for all you that have been on anti depressants and were not permanently changed by them, it just does not seem real. But it is, I just need you guys to believe in me, believe in us. Because at the end of the day that could be the last of my hope. Thank you Please help us.",Suicidal +24411,"Sometimes I feel so confused about what is going on with my life. My life is similar with most peoples lives, full of ups and downs, but somehow I just have so much hatred, guilt and anger inside me. I do not have intention to die because I know I have responsibilities in this world but I just hate living so much. I feel like I hurt so much people or people hurt me so much that I wish there is a restart button. Does anyone feel the same or have any suggestions on how to deal with mindset like mine? Feeling confused",Suicidal +24412,"Long time lurker but i just made an account.I am in a really dark place in my life .I am an uni student and I live alone .The past few days have been hell.I am from a country where i cannot get help that easily and i feel like I am going to explode.I was supposed to get money (a monthly scholarship) that i use to support myself, but due to modifications of my university's internal rules they have postponed that money for a whole month.I am just a broke college kid in real need of help , i have nobody else in my life to ask and a dollar is worth more in my country.If it would not hurt anyone financially could i please get some help?I am going to sleep hungry again tonight and i need to study at the same time for exams.I do not deserve anyones kindness but i have nothing else to lose now and asking complete strangers does not make me feel that embarrased.I just want to get past this month as life dealt me a really shitty hand in the third world country I am in. Please can anyone help me?",Depression +24413,"I graduated from college two months ago and have had two meetings with my new internship. Its so hard to keep up and i hate the feeling of needing to ask things like 10 times because i forget everything and feel like i need to triple check everything so no one will be mad at me and so i will not do the wrong thing or make a mistake and have to be corrected. I get I am supposed to be learning and my boss is really nice and tells me not to stress but i feel like I am doing everything wrong and i feel so dumb for not knowing everything right away. I know it will take time but my anxiety has been so bad and i am so exhausted after one task, too tired to work on myself and to try and feel better. I also feel like a failure for not being crazy successful even tho i just started being an adult. Its so hard not to compare myself and remember that everyone has their own pace in life. If anyone feels similar just know you are not alone :-) Working sucks",Depression +24414,When I think about suicide and leaving my family without me I do not feel much. When I think of leaving my dog I get sad and teary. A dog really is a man's beat friend huh I love my dog more than my family combined,Depression +24415,"I am new here and honestly just looking for someone to talk to that understands wanting to die but still being here. I am 27 and female and Canadian. I have a dog and a husband and I love them both. Pretty detached from my family. I have borderline personality disorder with underlying bipolar, major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and ptsd. Got dealt a shit hand mental health wise. Hello?",Suicidal +24416,"The gun is loaded, it would be so easy. So quick. The pain would be gone and I could just sleep forever. I am so scared. Now I am just sitting here mad at myself because I did not do it. do not get it",Suicidal +24417,"I had a good life. I lived in an apartment in the city. I was happy, I had a wonderful partner which I totally fucking destroyed. did not realize how disgusting I was, he wants nothing to do with me and I refuse to live without him. I blew my chances. I am blocked & his family too because after he left I kept harassing him and calling and crying and begging. I even followed him home when I saw him driving because it hurts too much. It has been four months and I cannot change the past. I will end my life. I feel nothing I miss him and I do not like this anymore. I am tired. I do not care about anything or anyone but him. I need a chance to be with him but I do not think its happening. I have failed.",Suicidal +24418,"but the cherry on the cake: losing someone I care deeply about... has sent me into a fall through empty, eternal space, and things look utterly bleak, pointless, cruel, empty, futile, vain. I am really tired.For me, trying to live, is not worth it. I cannot explain it",Suicidal +24419,"I will be honest. I am out of hope. I am out of energy. I am out of strength. I am out of love, especially for myself. I do not date because I screw up every relationship. I have no friends because I drive them all away, as I did with my best friend today. I have a disease that is going to kill me one day and I am getting tired of waiting because it is fucking with my brain. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of the cold. I am tired of the darkness. I am tired of the nightmares. I am tired of the sad music. I am tired of being FUCKING TIRED!!! I have nothing left and I am sitting here wanting to just eat a fucking bullet. I have been sitting here for 2 hours and cannot think of a single reason not to. Nobody will miss me. You have to have people that care about you to have them miss you. Out of hope",Depression +24420,"I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately. Not in the sense that I want to die. I am thinking 'what if?' rather than 'yes please'. In fact, I do not want much of anything right now. I have lost my will.I want my will to live back. I want something to live for. I miss love. I miss health.I am afraid of spiraling down this particular drain. I do not want to see these things in my search history. I do not want this subreddit to show on my Reddit profile. And yet..! How do I stop these thoughts? Today I searched the web for suicide methods for the first time.",Suicidal +24421,"First time posting here, but joined for some time now. I have suicidal thoughts everyday, they do not stop. I feel like I have no purpose in my life anymore, I have no goals or dreams. At the same time I should not have these thoughts because I have wonderful friends and a boyfriend I love and want to marry but I feel like there is always something missing. I stress about a lot of things, like I doubt I will get a job anytime soon so I will never be able to buy a nice house with a beautiful garden that I dream of having. And my boyfriend and I will probably have to break up because he really want kids and I do not, so there is no compromising there. But I feel like he is my perfect match and I will never love anyone else again. Everyone always just tells me to get a new hobby or something to be happy, but that is the thing, I do not like anything anymore. Everything that used to bring me joy I find boring now and that sucks :( I just wish things will get better. A rant",Suicidal +24422,"Hey everybody my name is Julius, and trough my life I have always fell in love with very nice girls but everytime i do i always push them away and i ger realy mad at my self its like I am abusing my self over and sover again, it is like i cannot stop doing it but I am doing it with out thinking its like when i get to conferble around them i always mess it up and they always end up leaving i just realy need help because I am realy getting sad and angry at my self idk what to do I am pushing them away",Depression +24423,"There is a comic where The Joker rapes and tortures Barbara Gordon just to prove a point ""Anyone can go crazy for having a bad day"" So in a few days I will know if I will be able to study at the university and for those days I will know if I will be fired. In a perfect world I can keep my job and I will have a beautiful college life. But what If I lose my job and my application is rejected... I have been thinking about kms, of course but if my life will end like that way I would like to do things that I have never done before, take revenge on people who hurt me and some other things that I have been avoiding for fear of ruining my life. The killing Joke Theory",Depression +24424,"I need a new best friend. I need someone who can support me and not encourage leaving me out. I am so broken I have no tears left to cry I am numb I look in my drawer and see all the propanalol boxes and I am so tempted. But I cannot. Everything has came tumbling down on me at once as I have been pushing everything to the back of my head now all my worries have just piled up. I am hanging on by a thread, being 16 and having a medication box its so hard. Everyone else my age is drinking but I cannot because of my anti depressants. My mental health has caused me to miss out in so much I cannot describe how left out and abandoned I feel I cry in my room every night broken. Then I wake up like nothing happened. I was self harm free for 2 months, I was so proud of myself but that did not go to plan I started harming again recently and the worst part is that it does not hurt anymore. I am so used to it now the first time I cried because it hurts now well its just painless, I hate it and hate feeling like this sometimes I wonder why am I still here? what is the point. This right here is where I get my feelings out I am not sure what to do anymore",Depression +24425,"I do not think anyone will care or see this, as is not uncommon on Reddit, but I need to say. I love my parents. I could not break their hearts. My family is precious. But the thing REALLY keeping me alive is my baby dog, Ellie. She is almost a year and my baby. I love her so much and know that she would not understand. She would miss me singing to her, or walking her at 12:30 everyday. Nobody knows what every little bark means the way I can. And I could not take that from her. It would not be right to bring a dog in and die. My Dog Keeps Me Alive",Suicidal +24426,"it is really easy, I have a lot of love to give but none to myself. If I do not love another it will be wasted. So I spend it all on others so maybe they will love me back and in turn I will feel loved. I cannot do it, I have tried this self love business. Self love is not easy as I have never been loved, not by the ones that were suppose to love me. They sparked this fire of self hate in me when I was a young child. Their hurtful words have become my own. It is not their voices I hear anymore but my mine, god she is a bitch a right fucking cow. Loud and mean always got something smart to say. I tried saying something nice to myself but it sounds strange and really fake. So I am on rollercoaster of always healing, but never healing. The good days are scarce and the bad days feel like a long winter night and I am locked out of the house. I feel so alone in this. I close my eyes and think if bear it all if I hold on for a little longer, maybe I will be saved. Maybe who knows I will be among the lucky ones who is plucked from the crowd by a saviour. Oh god even writing that did not make me believe it. How can you truly love someone else if you cannot even love yourself?",Depression +24427,I held my loaded gun in my hands today. I cannot help but think that things are better if I am not around. I am just tired. Tired of being the problem. Tired of not being enough. Just another day,Depression +24428,Just a simple question for you to answer. Maybe it lightens up my mood. (Just discovered everyone I planed celebrating my birthday with has better things to do. As fucking always. Every year.) So yeah... What do you think is good about life? Tell me. Anything. Is there actually anything good in life anymore?,Depression +24429,"How do I kill myself the easiest and with the least amount of pain for my family? I want to disappear from this world without causing any disruption/inconvenience to anyone's time- even my family. I am suicidal but I do not have the courage to end it all. It sucks because I am alone with my thoughts and feelings every fucking minute of every gdamn day.! Over and over it is all the same loop that I cannot get out of. I am angry that so many others feel this way and I am not special, so what I am going through are not all that. I am going crazy inside my head and from the outside I am just a zombie walking around. Lifeless. No, I do not want help. I do not want to talk to a therapist. No meds, no psych evals, or anything. Just plain fucking disappearance from the world without inconvenience to anyone. I really just want to be alone and disconnect from everything. So.. dead. I want to die. I am angry, numb, and I have had enough",Suicidal +24430,"I am depressed and sometimes i feel like i just want to isolate myself from everyone and just focus on myself and my dreams but i know that will not give me the same happiness as if i did it with her, i believe that a 100 years of suffering is worth a single second with true happiness and no regrets but i also believe that there is another totally opposite second that is make you truly sad and regret that you did not off yourself sooner and that is probably the second you off yourself so I am not sure if i dare to keep on living, i have seen small improvements that i have done to my live as a person but i still feel like I am still living the shit life doing stupid decisions as before and i cannot keep on living like this, I am a very stubborn person so if i cannot have my happiness then i do not want to keep on going Sad over everything",Depression +24431,"[ I took 5 of the zoloft and 4 of the Aripprazole, will these by any chance kill me? If i took too much let me know if I should purge",Suicidal +24432,"what are my triggers? i can identify them. can i analyze my thoughts? oh yeah. do i have all of the tools to deal with depression. yep. have others reached out. yep.at this point, i just want the pain to go away. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of feeling like complete shit. I am tired of feeling disconnected. I am tired of the continual suicidal thoughts. i cannot function. it is fucking exhausting. i cannot get anything accomplished. nothing. tired",Depression +24433,"I feel like I am going crazy, I wish things could get better. I have gone to the mental hospital 4 times and I just feel broken and scared for the future since things only seem to get worse I wish I could just die in my sleep",Suicidal +24434,There is not much other to say than I want to die I just want to leave this here so if I do kill myself all of you know there were signs obvious signs and they were ignored by everyone I know I hate being awake,Suicidal +24435, let us make a Wikipedia page for PSSD!,Depression +24436,"Currently I am wasting away another day because I feel burned out or useless, or whatever. Bout to light up a J and mindlessly sit here, hbu Whatsup, what brought you here today",Depression +24437,"I do not really know how to do anything. I suck at everything. My parents hate me for being so useless. Currently doing literally nothing right now. Sitting on the couch for hours. I am slowly giving up on everything I do and want because there is no hope for me. No one understands me, and no one will. I cannot even explain my pain, it is indecipherable.I have hurt people, and those people TRULY hate me with a passion. Just thinking about any one individual who I hurt makes me want to instantly kill myself on the spot. I cannot bear my guilt, and my pain.it is best I do this world a favor, and blow my brains out. July 31st.My parents always say 'what is wrong' and I hate it. I say 'nothing' because I know that they will never comfort me. They never have. I hope my death is not too surprising. I do not even know how the fuck I am going to write a note, probably will not even do that. I am sad to end my life for all the people who care, but happy that I will satisfy those who wish me dead. going to kill myself soon",Suicidal +24438,"Last week I basically cut my arm and mulled over digging the knife into my stomach, before opting to just make a long mark across my hip. Tonight I am romanticising the idea of suicide in the simplest way necessary, whatever that may be. I fear ending my life tomorrow",Suicidal +24439,I feel it. I am going to die soon and there is nothing i can do to stop it from happening. I hope i get the courage to do it tonight. I do not think i can last any longer.,Suicidal +24440,"I used to have such quirky tastes. I used to love charlie kauffman, romantic comedies, watching old cricket matches highlights on youtube, cooking but lately due to being stuck in a academic limbo due to covid 19 i have not been enjoying anything.Have had a bath once in a week, hate cooking my own food, and I have become EXTREMELY FUCKING LETHARGIC. Nothing makes me happy anymore",Depression +24441,"I feel so guilty for sending this because I do not feel like I even have a proper reason to feel the way I do, but I am so scared. I am not often suicidal but I am so tempted right now I am worried. This year has been so difficult I feel so rageful and angry inside that I can barely recognise myself anymore. The problem is I do not know how to communicate it to other people and I do not even know why I am so hurt. I feel like I need help and I do not even know why. I always try to seem happy and optimistic but these past few months I have felt so hateful and evil and unlovable. Even now I am worried I seem melodramatic writing this post. But I just feel really broken and evil and hurting, and I do not even know how to communicate it to people, and I am scared they would not understand. I know I should get therapy, but the small practical steps to get there feel so overwhelming. I am not even sure what I want from this,maybe for people to relate? Like is this even normal?is this human?is this fixable? I do not even know why I am writing this or if I have even suffered enough to warrant crying for help in such a way I am hurting inside so bad but no one sees it",Suicidal +24442,Anyone used this? No health insurance so.. not sure if its cheaper. But I am tired of feeling this way Better help website?,Depression +24443,"when i was like 14 years old i drew a hitler moustache on my face as a joke. i hate myself for it. i was never antisemitic or hateful in any way i just decided it would be funny. I have been suicidal for ages, my god, but remembering this makes me want to die. i said loads of things coz i thought they were funny edgy jokes. I am 16 now and I have grown up so much, but i do not even think I am deserving of life. I am not a good person. if it was not for my family id be dead by now, id have killed myself just over the guilt. i suck as a human.",Suicidal +24444,She always tells me that she does not want me to hate her and she does not like telling me out of fear that she has used it. she is just getting worse.I love her man i really do. But am I a bad person for not leaving when its clear I am just making her feel worse about herself?A different perspective could be nice Friend has started using cocaine...,Depression +24445,"I think I am ready to leave this world soon. I cannot see myself growing up, and I think the sooner I die, the better. I just need a bit longer to create closure, but after that, I am out. Still not a hundred percent about which method to use, but I have a pretty good idea. I have always wanted to make the world a better place, so I am going to fulfill my wish. I think I am ready soon",Suicidal +24446,"I left home yesterday with the intention of not coming back. After hours of driving around and mentally going to hell and back, I did come home. In the past when this type of thing happened, there was a relief of survival and even a little hope. This time feels very different, I now feel like I was not supposed to come back home and now I am living on borrowed time. Anyone else have experience with this? Borrowed Time",Suicidal +24447,Guilt is externalIt grabs at your heartstringsAnd insists you are burdensome Validating you take up too much space in this worldShame is internalIt individually has the powerTo shock you into submissionValidating you take up too much space in this worldThey are the devils upon your shouldersLeaving no room for an angel to perchAs they chuckle among one anotherKnowing each day you are closer to breakingThey are the devils upon your shouldersInsisting depression is your only friendForcing you into submissionUntil it kills you in the bitter end Two Devils - A Short Poem,Depression +24448,Anyone diagnosed and battling chronic sickness ? I cannot seem to accept my new normal and that has caused me to spiral deep into depression. Dealing w chronic illness,Depression +24449,"it is hard to wake up and do anything. I keep trying to tell people, but everyone is always busy, and none of my friends and family listen. Everything always makes it seem like if you tell someone you want to die they will get you help, but I literally said that to my mom and she just told me to ""be more positive"". Like I literally do not know what to do anymore. I do not want to be dead, but it is the only way I can think to stop the pain. The thing is I am sure if I did die everyone would care, but I hate that I cannot get help without doing anything major. I feel like no one cares until you actually die",Suicidal +24450,"I am 28M and have been working as a software developer for 4.5 years. Many would consider it a good job. Decent pay, low stress, low expectations quite frankly. But within the past year or so of working from home due to COVID, I realized that I have grown extremely tired and depressed from my job and want something more fulfilling, exciting, and rewarding (both personally and financially). I need a change so I have been studying modern tech and preparing for job interviews, but I am having so much trouble focusing and learning. I was a top student in grade school and college. I used to be great at just sitting down for 1-4 hours and just studying with pure concentration. I simply cannot do it anymore, even on a weekend when I have nothing else to do. I feel like I have gotten adult onset ADHD or something. Is that even possible?I know I am probably very burnt out because I have not had any vacations (a few days off every year, but no traveling) since I began working. Also have not had a girlfriend since early 2018, which has been extremely lonely and difficult. I also have a lot of physical health issues such as muscular pain from exercise related injuries, lack of sleep due to nocturnia, some sexual dysfunction, and mild, yet chronic fatigue. I am hoping to fix these things soon, but I am afraid that my brain is just broken at this point and no amount of positive change will bring me back to my cognitive peak in college. Rant over. I am not really sure what I am looking for by posting this. Maybe someone who has gone through extreme burnout, but fixed it? Thank you for reading. Burnt tf out from working, depressed, feeling like I have ADHD. Any advice please?",Depression +24451,"I am in therapy but I stopped because I thought I was getting better for a while after moving. Now I returned to a state of depression, anxiety and obsessive thinking. I feel unable to cope with the difficulty of life.I have an appointment online with my therapist but I obviously cannot say anything about being suicidal or having bad thoughts. I am 21 yo so I am young, I know life is not always bad but I just cannot stand how the world works, how sick it is and society.I regularly go through phases where I just suffer and I feel miserable, I do not enjoy anything anymore. Food, socializing, and meeting people, hobbies etcI really do not want to try to commit suicide and fail because I may deal with side effect and horrible health problems caused by the method or the pity of people.I am far away from home and abroad, I do not want my family to suffer and hear about my death even if they managed to fuck me up real bad. cannot vent to anyone about being suicidal irl",Suicidal +24452,I cannot cope. She does not deserve this and IV been such a shitty son to her. I wish I could change the past and all the things iv put her through. Mum got cancer again,Depression +24453,"Living is a chore , I just cannot take it I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +24454,"If everything goes to my plans over the next few days, and I can make sure those I care about will not miss me and are happy with eachother, then I am going to die. I would say its been a good run, but as of late, I am not so sure everything is so sunshine and roses. I am going to kill myself",Suicidal +24455,"Hey everyone, this may not be the right place to do this but I need some help or advice or something. My significant other suffers from depression and it seems to be getting pretty severe to the point where I do not know what to do to help him. As for how he deals with it, he does not believe in going to counseling or taking medication and he will slip into these angry empty combative episodes where he just wants to be left alone or he tries to fight and argue with the people closest to him at the time. He used to be really mean and destructive but I would say that part has gotten a smidge better. But everyday he gets mad and combative when I go to work or very shortly after I leave our apartment. He will tell me he does not want to text or we will fight before I leave for work. I do not know what to do anymore because I thought the best route as per his wishes was to just stay out of his way and let him figure it out, but now its taking a toll on me with the same thing every time I have to go to work or while I am at work. Should I just keep letting him be or try to talk to him about it? This has been going on and off for months now, mostly on. I feel guilty for going to work now and try to take as much time off so we can avoid the episodic behavior but I am running out of PTO and I am the only one working right now to pay our bills. Please. If anyone takes the time to read this, please help me. I love him very much and do not want him to suffer when maybe I can help him. so is for my SO",Depression +24456,"Tried phrasing an intro but I suck at writing so ay, here it goes.Been depressed for about a decade I believe now. Had the occasional suicidal thought but it was not a major issue. It got significantly worse in May for no reason. I have just been trying to stay afloat by coping how I usually do. The future looks bright, people love you, you have this dream of being a musician, yada yada. Today something scary happened. I do not think I care anymore. I do not care I will never get to stand on a stage and I do not care that I did not have that date with the person I like yet. I do not care that this chapter of my life is about to end and that everything can and will change for the better.I do not even know how I will make it though the night. All the depression I went through up until now feels like nitpicking now. I cannot do anything. All I do is eat and drink. I do not even sleep anymore, I do not remember the last time I felt truly awake and alive.I am used to things being grim and just being this cynical, pessimistic person everyone hates to be around but this is new. I do not make jokes anymore, I do not play the piano anymore, I do not do anything. I am barely a person. I just get up, doomscroll reddit until my stomach tells me to eat, if I have anything there I will get drunk to make my presence a little more bearable and then I will cry for a couple of hours until my body is too exhausted to even do that and then I lay in bed in this catatonic state waiting for insomnia to leave me alone so I can,,,, do it all again tomorrow.I just do not want to be alone. The only time I feel alive is in groups. When I have to watch my every word and movement and I get to see different people interact. So much stimulation. So little focus on my own mind. Unfortunately I cannot be around people all the time. I do have a lot of friends but none of them would want to hear this. Sure, I am a funny person but also horribly disposable.Anyway, wish me luck at surviving this night, I am terrified of what I am going to do to myself hahaha It does not get better",Suicidal +24457,"First reddit post and the only one I think I will ever make, I do not know what to do anymore or who to go to. Even making this post just feels like throwing words into a void but, anyway. I hate myself. Self hatred has been a issue I have had for about a year, half a year some shit like that. I realized who I was awhile ago and how much of a horrible person I am, made promises I never fulfilled and just fucked over alot of people, was a shitty friend and just person all around. After realizing what I did I had a absolute fucking breakdown and really went off the deep end. After that and when I was in a better mindstate I thought I was a better person automatically, did not really take time and work on myself and went through this shit once again, being back to my old self and being what I swore I was not anymore once again. I am working on myself, but I do not think I will ever fully be able to forgive myself for everything I have done. I can learn from past mistakes and learn from who I have been and be a better person and actually try, but i cannot forgive myself, not yet at least. I have felt nothing but rage towards myself recently and I think I am bordering the edge of another bad breakdown. I am lowkey scared of myself and who I am and what I became, I have been considering suicide quite a bit but I do not think its something I can bring myself to do, I will feel incomplete with my work and everything I stand for. Essentially I hate myself and want to do but feel that my purpose is incomplete. I do not know man that is about it, see ya rage.",Suicidal +24458,"Even before being unemployed for over a year (thanks to COVID), I have abhorred any and all idea of a job/career. There are interests I have, but when I begin to look at any careers/jobs that involve my fields of interest, I just temporarily lose interest in attaining any further knowledge/skills in those fields. I will be starting university in the fall after graduating from community college, and I am beginning to wonder if I should just not go. Why enter into a lifetime of inescapable and crippling debt that I will never afford to pay off? The ""just learn a trade"" advice is worthless. I do not want that. I find zero interest in that. Most of my reservation comes from either my utter disinterest and visceral hate of interacting with people, as well as the even more pungent hate I have of wasting my life for a (comparatively) low-wage job that will ultimately benefit those above me far more than it benefits me. I could theoretically just stare at a screen all day to do crypto trading because there really is no other option for me at this point -- I feel completely helpless and hopeless. it is impossible to envision myself in any career/job",Depression +24459,"\[21M\]A couple weeks ago now was my latest attempt to end my own life. For years my mental health was stabilizing, getting better each and every year. Then this year with the pandemic, relapsing depression, my girlfriend breaking up with, and a new stressful job has led me down a very dark rabbit hole that has gotten out of control. Then I finally tried taking my life again. I was found by my parents hanging from a tree, unconscious and losing my last bit of oxygen. I was taken to the hospital literally just in time where I got tested and treated for my injuries, and then held for my own safety for a week. My life is ""back to normal"" now but...I want to try again.Last time I did not have a note prepared; now I do. I bought a new rope, And now I stare at the rope for tens of minutes before something else distracts me.I want to die so badly... and I do not know what I can do anymore.I do not have enough money or insurance for counseling or medications, so I do not know what direction I should go towards. Also, none of my 'friends' are serious enough people to where I can to them about what I'mIt feels like such a pressure on my chest that only death can get rid of.I am so sick of the typical ""it is selfish"" or ""people will miss you"" arguments since it is obvious at this point I do not give a fuck about that. I know it is bad to think that, but it is REALLY bad right now.I feel so lost guys... I might just actually try to end my life again... I failed my attempt, but I want to try again.",Suicidal +24460,"felt like hanging myself in my closet last night, decided to just go to sleep and maybe feel better today, slept 14 hours, got up, decided to sweep and mop, mom constantly complaining about how bad of a job i was doing and how much it was inconveniencing her for me to be doing it so late in the day, feel like hanging myself againwhy did not i kill myself last night? title",Suicidal +24461,then why do I keep ending up in the same situations? do not want to be awakedont want to be alive My therapist says I have great self-awareness,Suicidal +24462,"I have not been able to do anything today, or for most of 2021. I am lying in bed wondering why I struggle to do things like brush my teeth or throw away the trash and decide to google it when I came across [this]( are-not-lazy-you-could-be-stuck-on-the-impossible-task/) article talking about ""the impossible task"" and it felt so good to be seen but also to read about why doing things like ""listening to your favorite song"" or ""scheduling time with a friend"" does not help AT ALL for some people. The solutions are not the best - I cannot hire people and I do not have anyone I trust to help - but its so rare to find articles where people understand that self-care does not make depression easier and I had to share it with someone. I just learned about ""impossible tasks"" and it feels good to be understood",Depression +24463,"I recently experienced an episode of severe depression with psychotic features. I was wondering if anyone could share their experiences of the condition and what your recovery has been like? I was wondering are large gaps in memory normal? I remember the start of my depression which developed incredibly quickly and resulted in constant/severe agitation, from that I remember some of the psychosis including delusions, thought disorder and possibly voices and have been told I would talk to myself. Alongside this I just remember feeling really confused all the time. Fortunately I had an excellent support which kept me at home and I was started commenced on mirtazapine. If been prescribed this by my gp who are unaware of the severity of my illness, due to phone consultations I said the bare minimum to get medication. Although my memory is poor I remember the medication kind of straightening things out for me, my psychotic symptoms reduced gradually and I could remember some of the things I was thinking and gradually my mood has improved to near Normal 12 weeks from starting meds. I guess it was quite a scary experience and I am just looking for other people's experiences including their recovery. Thank you Psychotic depression.",Depression +24464,"Hi all, in my short 19 years on this earth I have been through many trials and triumphs but my life seems to be getting progressively worse and I have not had the best life I ever and already feel like I have lived a lifetime worth of experiences due to the trauma I have experienced in my life like: sexual, emotional, physical abuse, stabbed someone when I was 17 and attacked them with mallet due to bullying, being involved with a police chase, surviving car accident, being a addict and addicted to alcohol at age 17 until last (year age 19),being deaf in left ear from birth, survived surgery, survived many illness and infection as a young child, and being revived at birth due to oxygen loss, severe bullying, I have had around 50-60 suicidal episodes last year and have had many more prior. I managed to obtain my NCEA Lvl 1,2,3 even though I was kicked out of school due to being sevely bullied and having everyone hate me, I have had many fun sexual experiences, done some pretty crazy and one of a kind stuff, seen and done things alot of people could ever do etc. I always made sure to live every day as if it was my last and live fearless so I have lived my life on the edge and to the fullest although I was lonely and sad alot of it due to anxiety and past trauma. But things were starting to look up around last year I acquired a good job and a wonderful partner S.C. ironically I had my car accident 15mins after I dropped her off at a friend's place as she stayed at mine and we had only met in person the night before. But our relationship prospered and that crash made me become clean from alcohol and drugs because of the thought of her and prospect of career and family I have always wanted to raise children and live on a farm in the countryside etc. But... My life has changed for the worst now=Initially my illness started about 1am on Jan 18th 2021 after I awoke from a vivid nightmare drenched in sweat then I had an auditory hallucination and diahorrea and vertigo and derealization/confusion and brainfog and was shivering with chills but after I went back to sleep it went away within 1-day and in between time I went on holiday and suffered vertigo and ear pain on the car ride down and the initial sickness did not appear until Feb 9th I got the bad flu w/sore throat, vertigo, ear pain, coughing, running nose, chills, diahorrea etc. And on Feb 13th I then suffered derealization, severe brainfog, crying and sadness and anxiety, REM sleep issues like: falling sensation that jolts awake, flashing behind eyelids, hypnogogic hallucination, constant vivid nightmares every night, head pressure, diahorrea, excessive urination and short-term memory loss and a bunch of other stuff then around early March came a psychotic ocd presentation where I had this delusion I was developing shitzophrenia and had an intense fear of it and constantly Googled it then that sort of stopped and the derealization died down a bit and I was left with andeonia complete loss of emotions and then severe depression and mood swings the came these mini-stroke/seizures and severe brainfog that happened around start of last month and every time I had them I was getting memory-loss after long term and short-term almost dementia like memory loss then I developed an internal vibration. So currently of now my symptoms are: a slight brainfog, internal vibration, dementia memory-loss, vivid nightmares: still having hypnogogic hallucination upon waking, minor head pressure, crying and sadness/severe depression, and complete loss of emotional enjoyment in life, loss of track of time and what is going on around me, inability to retain information, loss of imagination, hair thinning, easily bruising, loss of libido, abdomen pain. So as of now I am 5.5 months into this illness and shts only getting worse I have had many blood tests, tried different diets, meds help with mood but none of the other symptoms, tried therapy, had 2 CT scans of head w/o Contrast tried heaps nothing works. I personally think it is maybe autoimmune encephalitis due to a virus, covid maybe? Not sure. So yeah I am pre much F'ed atm. Me and my girlfriend do long distance and she has stuck by me all through this, she flys up to where I live today as her family lives here and she comes up every school holidays I love her so much and she says she loves and supports me and will do till death and we are keeping each other alive as she struggles with her own issues too but I just feel useless and dead. An example is my nana she is in a dementia home and you look into her eyes and the life is just gone... No soul, just a lost mind trapped within a body that imprisons her that is how I feel atm and I do not want this to go on forever as I cannot feel life and emotions and feel severaly disconnected from everything and have impaired cognitive function as well as experiencing symptoms on the daily. I have always had a different insight on life I feel and have always thought and felt different from others idk why but I just have I feel special in this world and sometimes I wonder if it is just me alive and everyone else is figure of imagination idek haha. My plan is too spend my last 2-weeks with her and then if I feel no better or see no reason to continue then I will end it. Sorry for all the words and wall of text you prolly do not need my life story but I want to make sure my story is read by atleast someone before I go.As many of you know its a dog eat dog world and weakness is not tolerated and only the strongest survive unfortunately I am no longer strong and just a she will of a man really so yeah I was crying afraid of death and asking why this has happened to me for ages every night alone but I now realise maybe the good go first so we do not experience as much suffering as the bad who live on and generally die alone. The world is a strange place atm and is just full of pain, narcassism, suffering, corruption. I also tried talking to my parents to provide guidance and they just tell me to accept my fate so yeah idek : P thanks for reading this far btw and god bless. 19 year old male my life is over.",Suicidal +24465,"I am not usually having fun, I hate people, nvr really click with anyone. I am not outgoing, I just hate my life and I have no idea how to change it. Sometimes I want someone to piss me off so that they can give me a reason to kill them and then myself. I can honestly say that I do not really care about my life",Depression +24466,i am slow and i am bored. like there is nothing i could do to spend time. i want to die because i am f****** stupid.,Suicidal +24467,I am basically suicidal (on bad days) and yesterday my dad told me that if i keep acting so bored and sad all the time it might be a sign of the mild build-up to depression... just great My parents do not know me at all,Depression +24468,Theoretically if you were to take enough paracetomal to kill 5 people would the death be painful? Also would it 100% work? Overdosing,Depression +24469,it is completely out of the blue now...usually I am reminded of something or I will see something random and I will just start to tear up in front of people for absolutely no reason. I am usually very tethered but lately I am just so tired...I am so tired of living and I would never have the guts to kill myself...but every morning I wake up with such incredible sadness & I wish I would never been born in the first place. It just seems like nothing ever goes my way and it is getting worse. It feels like I have never been really happy and usually I will drown it out with friends but now even that does not work. I cannot afford therapy and I do not know what to do. I just wish I could not feel anything again. I have began to publically cry,Depression +24470,"I have been hesitating on creating this post, but today I ripped off the band-aid and quit my full-time job.Honestly, I quit because I felt mediocre, incompetent, and completely disengaged from that specific career field. I have been struggling with depression for a while now and cannot get my find to focus on the right things.However, I feel incredibly guilty because I have not even pushed myself to complete 1 year at this company.Now, I am going to pursue a job that pays less and offers fewer benefits, but is something I am way more interested in.I am so worried that other people will call me out on being privileged enough to do something like this.Has anyone been in this situation? Should I have stuck it out at my previous job? Just quit my job after less than a year - Did I make a mistake?",Depression +24471,I try to see the light it shines for a few days then its darkness all over again. I want to be here but its too hard. Will it ever get better?,Depression +24472,"I try to kill myself a couple of times now. People around me are so mean and heartless. I hate being here, but I do not have where to go. I do not want to be alive with them on this planet. I have been trough terrible things, and depression all by myself, now I am battling anxiety. I can' t believe some people are like that. I am so disappointed by this world and people. I do not want to be alive with mean people on this planet",Suicidal +24473,I used to always tell myself it would get better in the future. That I would feel better. But I did not get better. I dropped out of school. I have no contact to anyone. I have no talents or things I am even remotely good at. Ill never find a job. And I do not want one. I cannot. I do not even want to live. there is literally no way out of this without dying. there is no point anymore.,Depression +24474,"I am in such a toxic headspace right now that I would rather just sleep than be awake, but then I have got work that just gets stacked overtime. I envy those people who are so mentally capable of living; they do not have to overthink or worry. When they are given a job, they just do it as expected. it is so simple. So simple to not have anything in your mind telling you how horrible you are at doing your job or at doing anything that might actually benefit yourself. Asking help is not easy for me, as I am surrounded by people who have got it together---they would not understand my struggle, even I do not sometimes. Living is not supposed to be like this, right? Rather be dead. it is so hard to work when I have got an unhealthy mind",Depression +24475,I have no one anymore bcs everyone is just not to be trusted it feels so lonly and cold Hey,Suicidal +24476,"i took 10 tylenol just under 12 hours ago. i had some discomfort in my stomach but it has since gone away, i cannot tell if it was because of exhaustion (I have only slept 3 hours in the past 24 hours) or from taking pills. it was impulsive and stupid. i think ill be okay because I have taken the same amount before and been fine and i have not had anything happen at this point, but I am scared. was wondering if anyone had any input took pills and I am scared",Suicidal +24477,I have nothing to live for. I want to die. Now. Too tired. I am going to do it,Suicidal +24478,could not really find the perfect title its more about the process of finding someone which I would consider dating and I was wondering if someone here felt the same or experienced the same and might give me some advice.So I had this happen a few times in the last year where I get to know someone and it feels like I am completely falling in love with the other person even tho I barely know them just because it feels nice being around them. But it really hit me a week ago. I met this girl at a party and we had a one night stand sorta. We could not sleep alot so we just layed next to each other talked and kissed for like 6 hours till 11am.I have not felt better in the last year. I just felt safe being with her. When I woke up that night I did not think about how I wanted to sleep again or how I would just like to kill myself my mind was at rest atleast for a while.do not get me wrong I liked that girl but I barely know her and she is probably not even really my type but I still feel like I would do anything for her or for being with her again and more often. Its not rational but this happens so often although this time the feeling is so much stronger. I feel like I am being so heavily influence by the fact that I am not feeling good at all. This makes things like that so much stronger and I cannot think rational. I cannot distinguish between the feeling of me actually being into someone or just being into the feeling I get when I am around them. And you could probaly change that girl with any other random one and Id feel the same for just that person. Just because I did not think about blowing my brains out while next to her I feel like she is the one.Anyways thanks for reading. Similar storys/thoughts and advice very much appreciated. Thanks in advance and sry for my probably very unstructured thoughts and repetitve writing (cannot even remeber things i did 20 seconds ago so writing is hard lmao fuck me) Dating with depression,Depression +24479,"it is been a while since she is passed, I have not felt a single thing after her passing, not a single tear, everyone tells me it is part of the greving period but it is been 2 years and I am feeling the same exact way.I try to make excuses, that maybe the weight that got lifted off my shoulders is the fact I always felt like she would judge me where I am at right now, 20 working a dead end job with a girlfriend who talked shit about her even after her death. Maybe it is the fact that she told me she is never loved anyone like she loved me before she died and now that is forever.I think that is pretty pathetic. Am I just an emotional zombie? A sociopath who cares about nothing but what I can benefit from others? If anyone feels this way please let me know I am not alone. The love of my life passed away and I do not feel a thing.",Depression +24480,I plan on taking my own life very soon. Why should not I? I know probably no one will give a shit about me,Suicidal +24481,"Fuck it. I am tired of you shitheads talking me that I need to put in to w work. Its to much, and it does not do anything in the end. I cannot stick to it consistently so it is pointless. I am done with this fucking bullshit. If you actually get runners high you are a pathetic foodie two-shoes light weight. I have run three half marathons and trained for each. The only thing I had akin to runners high was this oleasure I got after collapsing at the finish line insanely exhausted. That ONLY happened the firsty time, and it was not worth it because it hurt like hell and it only happened bacuase I did not train well for the run so it never happened again. Besides that, excercise is a fucking chore, and you are a brain dead hulk if standing and lifting weights cures your existential depression. Fuck you shithead. Fuck hard work",Depression +24482,I do not know when that day will come. Probably the day I am in love with someone who loves me. Probably the day I get a good job. Probably the day when I do not feel so lonely anymore. I just hope I live to see that day.. I hope that one day I will wake up in the morning and say to myself that I do not want to be depressed anymore,Depression +24483,I took 10mg x 30 Dapagliflozin andVoglibose 0.2 mg x 30 Am I going to die?What to do to flush out? Need urgent help,Suicidal +24484,"For four weeks I have had thoughts and dreams about how nobody understands what I am battling in my mind, everybody is angry and shouting at me for being so silent and useless and a burden. In these dreams I go to the bathroom, empty a bottle of pills on my hand and throw all of them down my throat. My knees get weak, I break down and then sleep. Even though I am unconscious, I see how somebody discovers me and what I did and just stands there indifferentlylike she expected it but is not surprised so she does not care.I call a therapist because these thoughts get persistent in my day. I try to not overhope since therapy is no magic, I am aware of that. An hour later, he tells me he will not work with me and I should just take pills. No therapy is needed here since I am already unfixable. I leave him crushed, baffled and angry.I visit a friend the first time since the pandemic for three days. We planned this for three months now. The first two days go absolutely pleasantly. We talk and laugh, play cards (Exploding kittens and Durak) and drink a little, we watch movies (Disney's Luca and Netflix's Ratched). Third day, he changes. When I talk to him, he always just monotously answers ""Okay."" I try to tell him, I am just trying to smalltalk and that his indifference feels cold to me, and he responds that he does not have to be interested in everything I say. That hurt. I go quiet. I do not know what to do or say to him. As a kid I was bullied for being an odd one out in school and by my family. that is why I tend to go silent so to not annoy anyone and become invisible. Then he gets angry at me for ignoring him. I get quieter and secretly cry in the bathroom. The visit ends. My mind is confused and broken.One week later I think ""whatever."", start to ignore my feelings and my hurts by taking SSRI again. I still have a good batch of unused ones from when my maternal grandfather died and I developed a (now partially overcome) hypochondriasis which was fed by me actually having a for six months unrecognised infection of my CNS. So since nobody wants to help me to learn how to deal with these emotions and my suicidal thoughts, I might aswell just take these fake blisses of happiness. It is the only option I have. Fake smile, no cry, here we go.Third pill in I get headaches throughout the day. My sleep is disrupted, I wake up several times in the night. Even though in the morning I wake up rested I am awfully tired at day. I have to lay down for half an hour in the afternoon or I would crash hard. I am not even sleeping, just laying there with my eyes closed. Throughout the day it sometimes feels like I am not even there. While reading I see my arms and it feels like they are some weird noodles that do not belong to my body. it is as someone is standing behind me holding the book. My head feels as if it is floating in a gelatine of air. Sometimes it even is hard to read the words in the book. But why should I be concerned? it is better this way. I am tranquilized.Fifth pill in, today. I realize how many friends I tried to talk to about my struggles and how every single one of them told me in the end that they cannot handle that part of me or straight up do not care. I am not even sure if there is any friend who would realize that I am gone if I would be offing myself right now. I think that they would realize that I am not responding to any chat messages after a while. But after that why would they care to investigate any further. It would seem like I left (or ignoring them) and they would forget about me.that is where I am right now. In my head I am walking through a ghost town. A town that never lived. A town that is made of gray and is shone upon by a misty moon. A town that has empty houses for those friends that will never come. A town that is filled with the graves of all the people who I pushed away, who distanced themselves, who I lost. Here I am, a lifeless wind howling through my empty mind. I cannot scream because nobody would hear it. I cannot cry because of my fake happiness. The flame in my heart has burnt cold. I am nothing more than a hollow body, no life, no spark. I do not know where I am.",Suicidal +24485,Okay so first we need to talk tonight and you will cry but do not worry for me I will be okay but I have been thinking a lot and I need to tell you bc I feel like it is really important can we talk around 12 or 11 please. I am really sorry C,Suicidal +24486,My self harm thoughts are at a high and I feel like I might not make it through this night. I feel really isolated and my usual distractions are not working. Can someone pm/comment some things you use to calm yourself down/distract yourself? I am tired,Suicidal +24487,To live is not something I will survive even how hard I try I always fall back into the thought should I take my life? I am still here but not for too long. I am scared of death but its the only thing that makes me feel safe . Take my life and Ill give you money,Suicidal +24488,"I have been avoiding going on antidepressants just because of how I hear everyone say they hate it. I do not want to have to rely on antidepressants just to be able to get out of bed but if I have to as a last option, I will. Do any of you guys use anything else to get energy and motivation throughout the day? No matter how much I sleep or eat it feels like I never have any energy and I am constantly yawning and tired. I know I have depression but is there any other option I can do before going on antidepressants? If you use something else pls help :) how do you get energy without going on antidepressants?",Depression +24489,"Hi .... hum ... I am on the news as usual, my family knows I was raped ... and I do not think they believe me ... As a result I am stressing and the nightmares and memories are coming back, memories of being raped or assaulted... I cannot fucking take it anymore, I am at my fucking wit's end and my brain cannot stop... from recounting these shitty memories... why all this shit happened to me .... I... I cannot take it anymore... I cannot enjoy anything except gaming and my ps4 died this morning so I am disgusted and if you are wondering, I am a boy, I am 16 so I am in the middle of puberty but I am probably sterile because my bullying in primary school made people hit me in the balls to sterilise me so I do not have a sex drive so sexual pleasure is absent so if you are wondering, sex does not give me pleasure (plus I am traumatized by it...) Hi.... again again",Depression +24490,"to preface this, I am disabled and my only access to the outside world is the internet, so I am sure my view of reality is probably a bit skewed. does anyone know if it is actually like this or is it just on the internet? i really hope it is just the internet.i see so much hate on men and white people. even when i try to avoid toxic sites (ironic since I am on reddit), it still pops up. i see it in chats in game, in people's bios, it is inescapable unless i completely cut myself off from the only distraction i have. why is this ok? why does our society allow racism and sexism so long as it is against the right people? people want me dead because of my race and gender. people think my thoughts and opinions are worthless because of my race and gender. i just hate feeling like i have nowhere to go, nowhere that is safe, because i cannot escape this unless i move somewhere that is not part of western society. everywhere i look in mainstream media, people like me are mocked and ridiculed. i do not want to live like this, in a world that hates me and treats me like I am evil for being born a certain way. if they want me dead, they can have me dead. I am not strong enough.sorry mods, i do not know if this is too political or something, but i have nowhere else to go. i feel like society hates people like me and i cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +24491,I have been struggling recently with harmful thoughts about myself and just also end up recently reacting over emotionally to certain situations to which I usually end up in tears. Is there a way to stop or at least limit how emotionally I react to upsetting situations? I am tired of it happening most of the time. This may be for the wrong group,Depression +24492,"I am a 17 year old male I was diagnosed with depression and I am currently medicated on 100mg sertraline, but it is not really helpful.I feel like my life is crumbling I am losing all my friends, because I feel like they do not like me, no one ever initiates conversation with me and I feel like I am watering dead plants. I really want to feel loved and want to have someone interested in me. God I am so fucking lonely. I have been suicidal for a couple years now and I really want to do it now. I started drinking alcohol and also smoking weed sometimes. It makes me feel less bad, but it is not sustainable long term. I also play videogames a bit, but I lost interest in everything. I just need some attention and I really want to get better. I am really uncomfortable with living. I just want to stop existing. Depressed and lonely, want to end myself",Suicidal +24493,"Hey. After my post got taken down on another subreddit (great another reason to kill myself) I figure I would try hereAs mentioned above, I will die by bridge jumping tonight. I wanted to talk for a moment about my last wordsFirstly, I am sorry I could not be a good person. I know that deep down after I die you will feel so much better. Need Someone to talk to. I plan to die by bridge jumping tonight",Suicidal +24494,I do not even remember what happiness even feels like anymore. I cannot even cry anymore I am feeling so numb.,Depression +24495,"I have decided how I am going to do it. its just a matter of time now i guess. its tiring going back and forth, contemplating whether to do it would be just as pointless - if not more - as just sticking it out n seeing where i end up. just glad i have some sort of plan now, finally *..@7",Suicidal +24496,"I have been on meds since 3 months ago and feeling a bit better (I guess). No longer feel excruciatingly sad, or have irrational fear/anxiety at night, but I cannot still live a good life. My brain refuses to work, keeps wanting instant reward, and I have no control over it. I am too ashamed to meet my psychologist because I never make progress. I have been seeing her for a year, getting all her advices and tips, trying to do what she said and but never make it consistent. At this point, everything does not matter anymore, although I know damn well Ill regret it and beat myself for the failure I cancel my appointment with my psychologist",Depression +24497,After a day so long it felt like forever and I barely remember the morning I question myself if it was worth living. I ask myself if it is really worth the pain to be alive to see the next morning. I think of anything I could possibly miss out on. there is usually nothing that makes me think yes I actually do want to get up tomorrow morning. Tears roll down my cheeks by this point and I think another day gone and it is not gotten better. Before going to sleep every night I ask myself if I really want to get up the next day and it is always no.,Depression +24498,"Just why? I can sleep 10 houers, still fall asleep at day and still being sooo deamn fucking tired. Why is existence so tiering?",Depression +24499,"I am struggling with my life lately. Especially financially because I am unable to afford my car that I have been paying for years. I had moved because the job I was doing was taking for much from me mentally, I was working with mentally disabled and working 17 hours shifts no breaks. We stayed in they homes with them. The pay was basic and I was able to pay bills.But I moved and was living off the stimulus checks when I lost the job I moved here for. I have got 2 part time jobs that will only be able to pay my housing, and a little more. But I would not able to afford the car.it is hard enough to leave the house to go to work when all I want to do is just lay in bed and let the world go on. I have no one that can help and my friend does not understand depression at all and tells me I need to just get over it and work more hours or find a better job. I do not live in a big city like they do. Opportunities do not overfloweth here.I have tried looking into ways of getting a different car but when your credit is bad, it is almost impossible. Anyways, this was basically just a rant. Any advice or help would be nice though. Struggling",Depression +24500,"there is too much in my life right now. Too many changes. Deaths in the family, my grandmother went last month and now my grandfather is in the hospital because he starved himself for a month and now has c diff. Reconnecting with relatives I have cut contact with for very important reasons. Problems with money, my old ass cars in the shop now and I sure as hell cannot afford another used car. Part time work is all I can get and the job I have pays like shit and gives me shit hours despite being painfully understaffed. I am in debt and still need to take out more loans for my last year of school. At least I hope its my last year. I can barely pay my bills because job pays like shit. cannot go full time because I have a mentally disabled sibling who cannot be alone and only one parent who has to work full time. I am transgender and I hate that I was born this way, I hate cis people because they treat me like dog shit for trying to exist when I so badly want to off myself. I just want to die man Ill never make it. I am 23, trans male. I have never experienced financial comfort, I lived in filthy conditions for my entire childhood because of my abusive father. Now I am more poor than ever. Tried to kill myself multiple times around 2017-2018. I do not want to go back to that, but life is trying me so fucking hard right now and I am close to cutting myself again on a regular basis. I just want to be a good therapist. I want to be able to help people in ways where many have failed me. I want a small house and a private fenced yard. I want a personal aviary for my birding hobby. I want to be able to have a home, to not have to fucking worry anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not. Would you? Too much going on",Suicidal +24501,"god I am so fucking excited I am shaking with it and cannot stop smiling knowing that I am going to go out so peaceful, I got someone coming thru ab to bring me 5 xans and they are not script so more likely to have fet :) !!! I will not even need that much tbh I am a 22 year old 52 92 lb girl but I am going to drink w then too Bc fuck it it lol I had no idea this was going to happen today I did not actually expect to find them snd for that good of a deal. I am going to Uber to a motel. Prob only got write one big letter and burn all journals before I leave my dads. I no longer have to suffer for other peoples selfish reasons. TODAYS THE DAYYYY",Suicidal +24502,I usually take 10mg. Is it safe to up to 50mg right away? I think I might have messed up. Yes my doctor told me to up my dose but I go with my mum and I was in pain so I remember her saying take 5 but then she said start with 25mg am I safe? nortriptyline dosage...,Depression +24503,"All I want to do now is make my depression and anxiety worse to a point that I Kms, do not know what to do? I want to actively make my depression and anxiety worse",Depression +24504,I do not have to deal with the stress and hardships of working everyday and when I run outta money I will be homeless and die. I see this as an absolute win! Unemployment is a win-win,Depression +24505,"Hi, last few months I have been struggling a lot because I feel like my friend do not really care about my problems with depression. I am always there when they are not in a good mood, but is really strange to receive a message from them asking how I am, and when they do it, I feel like they do it without a real intention of knowing how I am. Do you have any advice about this? How do you know if your friend really cares about you? How to be sure with your relationship and not overthink everything the other person does? I feel like people just do not care",Depression +24506,"I have decided to leave about a month ago. I am not going to do it now but in the span of a few years, after a certain few events unfold. I have kept it to myself.When you tell people they will either be mad at you or be guilt tripping you to into staying or trying to convince you that things will change and get better. They will get upset, even start feeling guilty, but all I want is just to be able to not to pretend, not to wear my mask because it is exhausting.I hate that you have to go through it alone, I would appreciate an option to say goodbyes instead of just suddenly checking out one day. I Hate You cannot Tell People",Suicidal +24507,"I know how absurd it seems but it was way cheaper than therapy. Right now i cannot afford that.I do not know if i truly believe what he said but one thing is certain, i got something to dream about.I do not know any other cheap ways to manage my feelings. I tried to find the root-because of the problem by myself but i think that nobody becomes like this just from a single because so it is quite difficult. I got through a rough patch by going to a clairvoyant (or not)",Depression +24508,"cannot hold down a job, I have bills coming up and no way to pay them. Sure I have family but they are all unsupportive as hell and only make me feel worse about everything. I open up to my mom about being suicidal and she invalidates every little thing I say and finally just says if I am going to kill myself then to at least buy the grave first, all in public. Everyone knows my mom said this and no one stands up for me. She gets mad at me for crying on the way home. Yet for some reason I am such a fucking people pleaser especially to people who I know hate me, probably because I am so desperate to be accepted. I am 21 years old and the only achievement I have made in my life is a high school diploma. I am terrible at socializing and always feel like everyone is making fun of me. Getting help takes too fucking long and at this point I seriously feel like someone is doing this shit to me on purpose. I want to give up, I have no one left. I was not made for this world",Suicidal +24509,I am fairly happy right now and everything is going fine but i still want to shoot myself in the head. i do not really think i do but I am still wishing i were dead. i do not know why but its really ruining my mood and its going to make me actually want to kill myself. i cannot stop think about it. i just want to feel happy for once and stay happy i still want to kms even though I am happy,Suicidal +24510,"I have been alone for a long time. do not have any siblings or extended family, just my mom and dad. Everyone else is dead or out of my life. I think during my childhood was the only time I ever had real friends around me that genuinely cared. But when I was 11 we moved to a brand new country, so I had to leave all of those friendships behind. I have not been able to make a single genuine bond since, just some ""friends"" you joke around with sometimes, hang out, grab drinks. I put ""friends"" in quotation marks because none of them really care all that much. They never ask how I am, say they missed me, or show interest in me or my life in general. And I am pretty sure if I went missing today, they would not even notice.Anyway, I stay at a flat with 6 other people. Amongst them is a girl around my age. I was too shy to ever go up and talk to her but I have always found her very attractive. One day she came up to me and added me to a group chat where we could organise stuff to do with all the other flatmates, or just talk about things in general (or complain when someone did not wash their dishes or something).Anyway, it slowly blossomed into a friendship between me and her. We understood each other, we got along, we talked, we even started relying on each other for emotional support sometimes. It got to the point where she would come to my room almost every day and we would just talk about anything, stay up all night and watch movies. She bowled her eyes out next to me watching Princess Kaguya. It was great. For a while I completely forgot that I was alone. She started becoming the person I looked forward to seeing. She filled that gap for me. I guess as a result of that it was inevitable that this infatuation would turn into romantic interest on my end. But she did not return my feelings, and now she is seeing someone else. I tried to be respectful about it, I told her that I would probably find it a bit hard to stay friends (and I do not feel bad for saying that as it is the honest truth) and I have been distancing myself to give her space.But now I am alone again. Her life is going on like nothing ever happened, because she never needed me in the first place. I was the one that needed her. I keep checking my phone every day, thinking maybe she will reach out to me eventually, maybe our friendship did mean more to her and she misses me. But every day that goes by confirms to that it is not true. So now I am alone. Being alone before sucked. It was painful. But I was also used to it, it is all I knew, so I learned to cope. Now that I have had a taste of what real friendship - what love feels like. I cannot go back anymore. It hurts too much.it is impacting every aspect of my life. I am not eating properly. I stopped going to work. I am not finding fun or enjoyment in the things I used to. I do not know what to do or how much longer I can go on.I just wish my family did not love me so much. Then there would be nothing stopping me, nobody I would hurt by ending it all So tired if being alone",Depression +24511,"I have made poor life choices and my past is hunting me and I thought getting a job would be a step to healing but I hate my job so it only worsened and I just do not want to wake up anymore. I have no desire to live. No will to live. I just want to stay in bed and disappear. I want to be gone. I am passively suicidal but today I thought, actively, act on that. I try to talk to my loved ones. Nobody fucking cares. They cannot help me. They try but cannot help me. I am done with life. Its not working out. I am sorry for being such a failure. I hate my life.",Depression +24512,"Suicidal thoughts are nothing new to me. However, i usually am able to commit to safety and calm myself down or seek help. but within this past week, I have been in a depressive episode and they have gotten so much worse. id like to admit myself but i do not know what the bills would look like and i do not want to lose the job i just started. its getting so much worse with each day. i asked my husband to hide our sharp objects and he did. usually i would not think about them if they are out of sight but i keep looking for them and all i want to do is harm myself and pass out. i need help but i do not know what i need. I am in therapy but it just feels like my emotions are being minimized and I am having to relive and think about past things. i would never tell him but my husband is the main thing keeping me alive right now. i just want to feel okay and joyful again. i just want the emotional pain to stop. I am really just seeking support right now. i need to know that there are people who want me here. i need empathy. i feel bad for asking those close to me to empathize with me. I am always afraid that I am draining them or hurting them. help please Advice/Comfort?",Suicidal +24513,"As the title says, i have been rrying to fit in, but i cantIt is too much for meI just want to give it upTheres a few ppl to care about me, but i just want my suffering to endEven if it means mire pain for others Tired of living, lying and trying to lie to myself that I am okay",Suicidal +24514,"FUCK THIS FUCKING WORLD NO ONE FUCKING ACCEPTS ME FFS WHY IS EVERYONE AGAINST ME JUST BECAUSE I AM YOUNG I am UNACCEPTED BY EVERYONE NO ONE FUCKING LIKES ME I am GOING TO FUCKING HANG MYSELF STUPID FUCKING PARENTS STUPID FUCKING ""FRIENDS"" GIVING ME A MENTAL BREAKDOWN EVERYONE IS BECOMING FAKE I WILL NEVER HAVE A TRUE FRIEND they are JUST MOCKING ME WHEN I TRY TO VENT TO THEM FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK THIS FUCKING HUMANITY FUCK THIS FUCKING SHIT I WANT TO BE 5 YEARS OLDER TO BE ACCEPTED FUCKING SHIT just throwing everything in mind.",Suicidal +24515,"I have been married twice my first wife cheated on me with 4 different guys which she told me they all were a lot more equipped down there than I am , my second and current wife has cheated on me with 2 different guys now that are double my equipment size , I have always been self conscious about my member size , its average or just hair under , people say size do not matter but it does I have most of my life data to prove it does , I have grown to hate my member I do not know what to do I have zero self confidence",Depression +24516,"I swear to god its like they are just making friends by accident. Imagine turning down plans once and instead of that person just never inviting you or talking to you again, they actually reach out and try to do everything they can to hang out with you and make sure you are ok. I guess I am just not good enough How do people so effortlessly have a normal social life?",Depression +24517,"I do not care that I am LaZy. I have been trying to restart my life for 7 years and my life now is only shittier than it was when I was 18. I have excercised, dieted, got hobbies, gone to therapy. All of the things the drones constantly drone at you in these forums with their insipid generic platitude. I never succeeded. I always failed, and each time stepped my face into the dirt once more. I do not believe in myself. I have ZERO self esteem. Since I was a kid, I have had nothin to be proud of. Horrible hand eye coordination, always picked last in sports, ooor academic performance, socially clueless. I hate myself. But more than that, I despise everyone else. I want to go on a msss shooting and massacre a bunch of retards so that they will will feel terror and pani, and maybe it would be cathartic. You are all so lucky I have not been able to get my gun license. I am poisonously envious of anyone with something I want. Intimate relationships, friendships, money, a degree, independence, respect, charisma, beauty, youth. If you have one of these things, the best I can do is feign indifference. I cannot pretend to be happy for tlothers any longer. I wish them only the worst. I do not care about fairness. I do not care about who earned what. There is no such thing as deserve in a deterministic universe. I repeat, I would love to horribly injure and ruin peoples lives, not because they deserve it, but because it would be cathartic for me. I would especially love to stab every cunt who has ever yttered the phrase pull yourself up by the bootstraps or other such normie fucktardstion. I am not interested in fitting into this society. I want every single person to die, and for no more to come afterwards. Ah, that would be an antnatalist paradise. I am done fighting",Depression +24518,"This subreddit has made me feel far less alone for the last couple weeks of my life but after all the abuse, panic attacks and shit I have had to put with in my life, I have finally made the decision to end life. I feel deeply at peace and care free now. there is some irony there, is not there? I am going to be overdosing on sleeping pills and alcohol soon whenever I fall into another emotional pit again I just have to write my note and perhaps some music because I have always wanted to write an album. Something like spiderland by slint Farewell every beautiful soul I have had the pleasure of talking to on this subreddit Thank you for everything",Suicidal +24519,"I, 23M have been suicidal for years but more so in the recent months, as I just graduated from college and am unemployed. I would always been a fan of video games but a side effect of major depression is anhedonia and I began losing interest in those too. Last night I found a game called Hades which has amazing reviews. I downloaded it and stayed up til 3 am completely entranced the whole time. Today I woke up and was EXCITED, (an emotion I thought I was no longer capable of feeling), to keep playing the shit out of this game. A glimmer of hope",Suicidal +24520,"It feels like I always mess it up, I am so lonely. Barely anyone even wants to be my friend, let alone in a relationship A really wonderful guy I have been talking to for a few weeks just blocked me with no warning, we were planning on dating. Could someone talk to me about it?",Suicidal +24521,I hate myself. Depression makes me be such a shitty person. And be aware of it. And unable to stop. Life is so cringe. Ugh,Depression +24522,"When I see myself in the mirror I am literaly disgusted about what I see. I hate my face, my body, my persona.. well I do not have any. I hate everything about me",Depression +24523,"I [M20] live in a 3rd world country, so for me its 10 hours of work 6 days a week just so that I could afford a car by I am 30 and a house by 45 (if I am lucky). I do not even work yet, because I keep getting anxious and cancel interviews. I have bipolar disorder and I cannot even pay for therepy. I left my abusive uncle's house and I am currently living at my grandma's. The only person who truly supported me was my girlfriend of 4 years who does not want to be with me anymore because my mood swings destroyed the relationship. I lost contact with all my friends in the past four years as I only liked talking to my girlfriend and noone else and never went to hang out or call any of my buddies and now there is noone to talk to. What is there to live for me? what is even the point of living for me?",Suicidal +24524,I am 4'7 and I am 15 i think thays because of my poor diet and sleep schedule cuz i have been depressed since 13 or because ny mom was really short I am taller than my mom but idk why I am.so short I am so ugly and inhatw my bodybgod hated me inthink I am 15 and I am going to die,Suicidal +24525,I just got off the phone with my best friend and she told me we can speak anymore all because of my toxic family at this point I am ready to just hang myself that was the only person I had left n now they are gone I am left feeling even more empty I am sitting here contemplating hanging myself with a scarf because I do not think I can take this anymore I have had a rough life n it keeps getting worse I do not want to do this anymore its not like my family would miss me at all or cry when they see my lifeless body Just lost the last person who cared abt me,Depression +24526,"hey guys I am not sure if this is the right place to post this but a close friend shared with me that she has been having suicidal thoughts, inflicting self harm a lot and has depression. She has disclosed that this has been going on since she was 13. she is been telling me a lot about her past and the trauma she has from it, especially from relatives and family. She experiences suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I have suggested therapy but she has been to therapy a few times and during those times, she said the therapist shamed and judged her for being like this and called her a slut and a druggie. She takes meds from a psychiatrist as well. Mentally, I am distressed as I have no idea what to do and I definitely need advice. a friend I know has depression and suicidal thoughts, what should I do?",Depression +24527,"I thought that going to a good school, making money, and finding some friends would be good. It has not been that great. I am working on stuff that I think is important. I do not work for assholes anymore--I work for myself. I do not have much trouble getting dates. I am not that worried about money. I do not have a great relationship with my family, but we can talk sometimes. They mostly avoid my texts and calls, because I am pretentious and I do not hold my tongue enough. I do not laugh at their jokes. I do not say stuff you are supposed to say. I only do that kind of thing when I am working. The country stresses me out. I have thought maybe leaving would make things better, but I doubt it. I moved to a new part of my country where things are chill. Now I am just alone with beautiful weather and people who constantly wave and say 'hi' when I am walking down the street. It was nice at first, but I do not have anything in common with these people. They compliment me on being traveled and smart, and it inevitably turns into a one sided conversation. Compliments make me uncomfortable, and I mostly like to talk about ideas--science, politics, business, art, whatever. I am not a narcissist. I would rather be invisible. Buying a big house, having more sex, whatever, I do not think much of it would matter. I do not trust anyone or have access to real intimacy. I have had a lot of manipulation from family, business partners, former friends. I am scared of something I say becoming a news story one day. I am scared of lawsuits from friends. I feel like if I could tap into the naivete and innocence of my youth, it would be good. How though... I think about the reality of the world: guns, lies, cash, fucking hedonism. I cannot tell if I am angry or depressed. I think I am weirdly neither. I cannot describe what I am feeling. I know it is just neurobiology that leads to this kind of shittiness, but I am not going to some doc and pouring out my feelings. I do not trust anyone not to write a fucking book one day. I have had uncomfortable situations play out in the past. Success means nothing to neurobiology",Suicidal +24528,"that is it, that is the post ""I am here for you"", but also, "" It seems like you want to be left alone, so let me know when you want to be friends again""",Depression +24529,"""Bill, I believe this is killing me \*As the smile ran away from his face\* but I am sure that I could be a movie star, If I could get out from this place."" I hate my job. I feel how it is taking happines from me. Like John in ""Piano man""",Depression +24530,Me: I want to crack my skull open with that big rock over there so fucking badly. Normal people at the beach: fun! sea! Sandcastles! waves! excitement!,Suicidal +24531,"I realised I have recently been hanging on by a pretty loose thread during my exams. I thiubht stuff was getting better and my friends noticed I was getting more positive, but in the last two, three days I just *crashed* hard. I have gone back to nearly suicidal thoughts, my progress seems to have mostly unravelled, and for once I do not actually know what my issue even is anymore. All it took for me to just snap was my friends going out without me, which is kind of ridiculous but there you go. I had two mental breakdowns in a day where I was just ranting to myself Infront of a mirror. All my usual distractions essentially stopped working. it is even worse because I have a day off today and I do not have anything to pull my attention away, all I want is to just basically fast travel and skip the day. I thought my issues were coming from just not being fit, I got fit. I thought they were because I did not have a proper schedule- I have a rigid schedule. I thought it was grades. I thought it was socialising. I thought it was just teenage issues. I thought it was about being trans. Now I just have no idea. I have declined rapidly and I genuinely do not know what to do to even mitigate the circumstances let alone go anywhere.Anyone got advice?My last resort is basically doing what I am doing now, writing out my thoughts, and then going back to creative writing as an outlet. My depression is not diagnosed, sometimes I doubt it is real. Sometimes I think I might have other issues. I had a total of two proper good days, felt like everything was mostly fine- I guess my family circumstances migt have something to do with it, but...it seems so random. What do I do when things get worse?",Depression +24532,I need help but I do not want help cuz i do not deserve help. Fuck this universe and everyone and everything in it I am so tired of being here. Fuckin hate existing and going through so much horse shit,Suicidal +24533,"I do not know what has been happening with me lately but I keep having anxiety attacks or mental breakdown (do not really know what to call them) were my throat get really tight and the only thing that kind of helps usually is stuffing my face with ice cream till food coma. I also tend to start google frenzy finding all the ways I could end it. But then I just feel too cowardly to actually do anything.It all started with a shitty project I took. Client was awful, deadlines were crazy and I worked day & nights (and weekend) to get it up and running. In the end I lost money, my sanity, and gained 10kg. And ever since I have had that feeling of tight throat. I am now on an other project were deadline & people are ok but the job is shit and soul sucking. I went to see a therapist a few times but it does not seem to do much for me. She just makes me talk & talk about what seem random stuff. And now I am here. Not really sure what I am looking for as I feel pathetic sobbing on my keyboard writing to strangers on the internet for help. Not exactly sure where to post this",Suicidal +24534,Not being best friends with anyone in your friend group is just lonely. Everyone has their go to person to talk to and hang out with and you are not one of them. I want another friend group because I do not get along well enough with this one I only get along well enough to be everyone is least favorite friend. Its not as obvious in school when you hang out with whichever friends have the same lunch or classes as you but when you are almost never invited to anything because you are the last person anyone in your friend group would pick it just sucks. Since winter I have been invited to hang out with my friends twice. they are doing stuff all the time without me. It feels like they hang out with me even less now that I lost the energy to hide my depression and they all know I am doing bad. I cannot act happy so no one wants to hang out with me because I am always depressed. Summer has been so lonely I hate it I am rarely ever talked to I always hear about them hanging out without me and it just makes me sad I wish I was better so they would like me more. Being the friend people only talk to when everyone else is busy sucks,Depression +24535,"then you remember that the only thing keeping you all together is school and that they are not really your friends, and since the start of the summer you never left your home or talked to somebody irl so you feel lonely but still anxious because you feel like its your fault, and now overthinking you get to the conclusion that you make everybody's lifes worse and that your family only needs you as a maid but not a person? You know that feeling when you want to learn a new skill just to impress your friends but",Suicidal +24536,"I keep getting this feeling or group of feelings every day at the most, it feels like something is squeezing my stomach when I get it. The feeling makes me think things like ""you are not productive anymore you lazy "" you love wasting all your time do not you"" ""you are never going anywhere with your life"" ""you are a walking Todo list"". When I hear those things I usually reply ""I know, I have so many problems"" or ""I should just kill myself and make the problems go away"" or I will just curl up into a ball and cry until I think of something to do. The internal pain I get from this is so strong it feels physical, the fact that I do not know what this is and how to solve it makes the suicidal thots I am getting even worse. What is this thing and What should I do? this thing keeps lowering my happiness levels and IDK what it is",Suicidal +24537,"Everything says to call someone you trust. I have 1 friend who is busy at work, my mom does not help, and everytime my boyfriend tries to help we just end up arguing. Seriously, i texted him saying how I was doing and that I was frustrated because i do not have a safety plan. He said its okay lay it on me, and I said no, because you always get frustrated not being able to help or you get sad. He said no its okay talk to me. So I did, and I told him why I feel like it does not make sense for me to keep living and how much I hate this world. He takes it personally and gets sad because ""i do not even want to be here with him"". I told him this is exactly why I said I do not want to do this. Hes upset now and says its all his fault because he said it was okay for me to vent to him. I just stopped responding because as much as it makes me feel like a see you next tuesday, I do not have the capacity to comfort him rn. I do not even have the capacity to bring myself down to just being okay to be a person, I certainly cannot talk him into a better place. So that leaves me with no one. And I really mean no one like, I have a single family member on this side of the country and the rest are in other coasts or in another country. I feel pathetic and like I must be a bad person to have no one to be able to lean on. More so i feel like the fact that I am not able to make an effective safety plan is more of a sign that I just should not be here. Safety plan does not work",Suicidal +24538,I m depressed since I was a little kid and after one attempt of killing myself with pills and cocaine I wound up in a psych ward for three weeks.I started therapy but I still want to die because I can t take this anymore 18 years of my life have been a nightmare and I became a drug addict since the pandemic started I just want it all to end,Depression +24539,I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die,Suicidal +24540,"I love you dad and all the rest This is my final fit, my final bellyache",Suicidal +24541,Bruh The awkward moment between birth and death,Depression +24542,"I have had a really tough time, and do not want to burden anyone with my thoughts. I have a therapist but I am afraid to tell her that I have suicidal thoughts. I have great family and friends but I would never want to worry them. Some recent events have been especially hard on my self esteem and taking into account the past few years it just seems like I am sad more than happy or at peace. I just do not want to feel sad and stressed anymore. I really am doing the best I can. I am on medication, I try to control my thoughts and not dwell on the bad. I am just tired. I just do not want to feel bad anymore.",Suicidal +24543,"I am honestly just going to start deleting all my social media and go back to isolating myself like I fucking constantly do. Why should I even try to be proud of myself for hard work that I do when others do not even get the fucking point, I am done trying to love myself or even live up to anyone's standards. I am fucking sick of my own envy and hate, I am sick of always being angry, I am sick that when ever I finally start talking about my problems some asshole says "" someone always has it worse than you, look on the bright side"" , almost like my problems do not fucking matter.I am done.. I just fucking give up, and In all honesty I will just start drinking again I am fucking done from now on...",Depression +24544,I have saved my fathers life at least 5x recently he just found out hes now diabetic I forced him to the hospital for them to help only to find out his sugar was 900. I was helping him today as I try to make sure he has as little to do as possible. I will not anymore after he yelled at me not listening about it not fitting by instead he calls me a dick head to which I replied with no you are being a stubborn asshole. Thus he squares up starts pushing me wanted to fight would not be a problem if he did not have major surgery on his stomach basically held together with tape. Now I am in my room cannot calm down and my meds are looking like the only way out of this hell. I told him he better never need help again even for health. I have cut ties if I find him on the floor so be it. it was his stubborn ass that put him this situation not mine. I am just not sure I want to do anymore on one hand I deal with a miserable father whom I dropped out of high school years ago because he was on the verge of death now hes trying to push me to death.,Depression +24545,I am mentally and physically exhausted. I have nothing left to give. I am having such strong urges of suicidal ideation and self harm. I want help but have no Idea where to get it. All the resources say if you really are feeling strongly like this to call a doctor or something but I do not think my insurance would cover that. And if I get another large bill for Healthcare I really will kill myself. Seriously Healthcare bills make it not worth it to try and be proactive with my health. I am better off dead tbh. Plus if I get put on 72 hour watch I will probably lose my job. All this makes me think that I should not ask for help and should just make sure I get it done. Exhausted and nowhere to turn,Suicidal +24546,"Never imagined I would be crying my eyes out, frustrated with my life in my late 20s. I just feel so tired to even type this up.Career, no job, money, socializing, personality, anxiety, insecurities, speech-blocks, self-conscious, seasonal confidence, have the potential but too inept to even try, feelings of hopelessness, phone anxiety, unable to be independentIt's all killing me. Why does it have to be me when everyone is continuing with the routine. I am tired of convincing myself with 'they may seem to have it all but they may not actually have it' hell I am left with so much to worry about that I cannot even think beyond my worries. I have to pretend that I am ok masking all my feelings and emotions when in reality my mind is like a sleeping volcano awaiting to erupt.My school life ruined my whole life. Why me",Depression +24547,I wish I was not a coward and commited suicide like ten years ago when I still had these thoughts It sucks. I know very well that suicide is the only solution that can help me and at the same time will help other around me by removing my existence. Yet I am too much of a coward to actually go though with it.,Suicidal +24548,"my parents are abusive, they hit me for no reason and its very normal to hit a kid in my country Bangladesh. Especially on lower-middle class family I want to kill myself :( ABUSIVE PARENTS",Depression +24549,"Just wanted to share my experience here. I was not getting much better with SSRIS or bupropion. In the last three years I have tried different options but I never truly felt any major difference.I have changed analysts, and my new one suggested trying lamotrigine. First time I have had more than two weeks of ""normality"" in years. I am only one month in, and the difference is huge.I read many of the posts in this sub and recognize many thoughts as my own... And then realize I have not had them in a while. that is how I tell lamotrigine is really helping me.This is only one experience, and it does not mean this drug would help everyone. But, from one person who tried a lot of options to another one, keep on trying. I did not believe I could be at peace, and suddenly, I am. Lamotrigine is really helping me",Depression +24550,I live with my family and I have just gone quiet. I do not talk much about anything because the thoughts on my head do not make for good conversation. I have stopped taking to a lot of people last year bc i felt they were not good friends for me and i was right i just do not have other friends to talk to. I do have one tho i game with but i have trouble talking about feelings with him too. I do not want advice when i talk to someone i guess that is why i do not. I do not want to be told to get out more and talk to strangers because i do not know how to do that. Or join clubs bc i already know that is a good way to meet people. but I am just discouraged the people i really like move away and we lose touch and i do not like that many types of people :( I just constantly listen to podcasts to fill the time when I am working on stuff but myself or gaming. I always feel like an outsider and i think being alone most of the time is making me worse at making friends. I do not even know what to do with friends like to hangout. Like if i want to hangout with another new guy friend my age (24) i do not really know what to plan. And i do not really want to do anything either. It feels so weird to try and make friends it feels easier to ask someone out on a date than ask them to hangout as friends. I do not talk,Depression +24551,"Hello to anyone who reads this. I just want to vent. I am an awful piece of shit human being. I constantly have been wishing for death because I cannot stand being alive anymore. I am awful to everyone I know, and I am constantly just pushing people out of my life. Honestly I drive them out tbh, by acting like a dick. I have a very loving and supporting bf who does not deserve the kind of shit he puts up with. I feel awful cuz I am always talking to him about how depressed I am and how unhappy I am. I know its starting to drain him and tbh I do not want him to have to deal with me anymore. Tbh hes the only reason I feel like staying alive at this point. I am considering breaking up with him before I go. I am at the end of my line",Suicidal +24552,"Hey family, first time posting to this subreddit but have been on here for a few years \[new account\]. On the early morning of January 20th 2021 I was shot in an attempted car-jacking at the local park less than a mile from my house. The bullet went through my left temple and out my right cheek. I was able to drive around to the gas station and run inside and have the guy call the cops. He quickly told me to leave because I was bleeding everywhere. I ran outside and was finally able to dial my iphone after having so much blood on it. I was taken to the hospital and blessed to have no brain damage , but it looks like my left eye will be blind forever. The reason I was out early in the morning was because me and dad had a fight about me getting another COVID test the night before when I was only throwing up because I had too many chips from Jewel-Osco. I woke up mad and went to go smoke some tree by the park not too far away. I walked back to my car after getting snacks and rolling tobacco and as I was getting ready to pull off I see the carjacker last second. He tries to pull my door handle and I pulled off but he had a gun and shot through my window hence the story. I feel super guilty for not giving up my car. Most of my friends told me he could have shot you regardless and that may have been true as he successfully killed another guy in March who leaves behind a 9 year old daughter. I regret not being able to control my emotions and just stay in the house that morning. I regret smoking weed because that is what led me to the park that day. Now I feel like I failed the ""life lesson"" of not doing drugs and controlling emotions. Fuck that I just want to die now, I wish I died that day.Regardless I love you all, and cherish your sight and loved ones. Almost was killed in January",Suicidal +24553,Just learned I am codependent. I am not sure who I am anymore Bc this new evidence shows me that I am not as independent as I believed to be. I have been in therapy for the past two years and I am growing tired of learning more about my flaws. Its tough to face myself. I battle with being good enough and actively push away love from others even though I want connection. I am just unsure how to accept it on a consistent basis. Codependency,Suicidal +24554,"I think I have always been suicidal, whether it be my younger tendencies or, now. Life seems too much of a stress I dread the future and the present, I have no good or definite way to off myself, so that is probably why I have not done it yet, I have proven that I would have done it longer ago if I could do it without surviving, The lines will not help me, I am all alone at school because they have to isolate, all my friends have to except me, who is faking sick and my mom might send me to school tomorrow so Ill be alone in class, doing my least favourite classes, and wondering if the future where Ill have a life in Finland, which probably will not do much, I have heard its quite nice and quite beautiful there. But that is not what were talking aboutWhen I was younger I sat on that wallcontemplating Wondering.My mom did not take me seriously and eventually I went back to doing what I was meant to do They will not take me seriously then, and will not nowI have nothing to look forward I have no success to think aboutFuck this allSorry for wasting your time A little rant I have done",Suicidal +24555,"i think it is finally time. the end of my life. the time i take my own life. it was a really hard life, not worth living this long for. i was depressed for as long as i could feel complex emotions. i never had anything going for me. i never really worked hard for anything. i never found a purpose. i never loved something. however the past three years I have had someone who i loved with everything i am. i feel like i lost him last night. he says he loves me, but his voice and his words feel so empty. i think he is given up on me. which is fair, i put him through a lot. i do not blame him. I am really going to miss him. he gave me a reason to live. he has this whole life in front of him of being really successful. he is worked really hard the past few years to build himself a life worth living. I am so proud of him. he is going to do so much. I am glad i lived this long to love him, watch him become who he is today, and to experience love with him. I am so lucky to have had someone so amazing. i only wish i was able to say goodbye and know it would be the last time. but it is okay. i know this day would come. he was the last thing i had. i knew i would not live much longer when he would leave me. my whole world has just been pain. hopefully, in some other life, i can meet him again and maybe things would work out. this is not a cry for help. i do not want sympathy. i just needed to say this to someone, anyone. i needed an outlet. i needed to say something to someone so i could feel a bit of peace when i pass. someone just needs to know... it is my time",Depression +24556,"(if anyone wants to know the story ill post it in a comment under this)I am thinking of overdosing myself with my moms medications for her diabetes, i have strict parents and i want to get away from them but I am scared of fighting or rebelling against them. I am already 25, I am old enough to make my own decisions for fucks sakebut when i think about overdosing on my moms medications i started thinking about stuff like what if they do not get me to the hospital in time? what if i actually died and its frustrating because even now I am feeling scared i do not want to traumatize my boyfriend or anyone else with my suicidei actually already have a plan on how i would die, it would have to be me being separated and distant from everyone i know, i wanted to die peacefully and on my own so i know i will not hurt anyone too bad i want to end my life because I am weak and a coward",Suicidal +24557,"Does anyone else ever feel not just like they do not want to be here anymore but like they do not want to have been created in the first place? Once you exist, wanting to not exist is its own terrifying issue. could not I just not have been born? I was not even conceived on purpose. I certainly did not make life easier for my parents. But this is one doodle the cannot be undid. So now I am just stuck having to find a solution to the pain and emptiness and existential panic. I DID NOT AGREE TO ANY OF THIS. I did not consent to this being alive thing.",Suicidal +24558,"When others get to live happy lifes. I know nothing in life is fair, but damn it makes me wonder. What happened to us? What did we do to deserve lifes like this?",Suicidal +24559,I have already lost my life.I have lost my job for the third time and will soon be homeless again. I have no more strength and my girlfriend has left me.I am addicted to xanax and alcohol. I slipped into crime and became aggressive. A few weeks ago I beat up a man with a hammer.My family hates me more than anything. They have shown me several times that I can no longer expect support... even though I have never received it from them.In my circle of acquaintances I am nothing more than a crackhead who sells drugs cheaply.I have tried it 3 times and each time I ended up in the hospital. I have resolved that it should end today. Its over,Suicidal +24560,"Hello, i want no one to miss me.Should i fight everyone, pretend to hate everybody and be a piece of shit? My relationships",Suicidal +24561,I have not felt motivated or happy in so long. I just really need some help right now. Does anyone know anything that could make me feel happy or motivated in life? I need help,Depression +24562,I think I am probably going to go ahead and do it today. I am not sure in going to leave a note for my loved ones. I think all the ones who need to know how I feel. That it was not that there love was not enough. I am just not meant to be here I do not think. Just existing in a comfortable environment should not be this hard for someone. It is not for someone worth anything. Broken I think.,Suicidal +24563,that is it. I just needed to get that frustration off my chest. I am just so tired and everything is too painful. there is nothing in this world I want more than not being in constant pain. I wish I did not have depression,Depression +24564,"The only thing that helps my depression is imagining that I am drowning. Just slowly sinking down, relieved that I will never again have to face my life. there is no panic or pain. Just peace. Of course, it would not actually happen like that. I am as scared of dying as the next person. But oh, how I crave the bravery to do it.I am just so tired of fighting my own brain. I am exhausted, and death seems to be the only release. I am fantasising about death",Suicidal +24565,"...and sometimes I block them to ""free"" them. If I do not, I constantly remind them that they can stop talking to me, block me, leave, say no, etc without consequences. But I still manage to convince myself that they are actually just afraid to.The other day, I told my friend (also 26nb) that I felt like the only reason she still talked to me was because she was afraid of me, did not really want to talk to or hang out with me, etc. This was a few weeks after I told her I had feelings for her (she assured me she still wanted to be friends; I already knew it was not reciprocal but was worried about this). But I still thought she did not want anything to do with me. She set me *straight*, but I still upset her. And I just want to know: what *is* that? What do you call it when you are paranoid you are scaring, creeping out, or abusing your friends? This is not the first time I have, or nearly have, ended a friendship because I was afraid they were too afraid to end it themselves. When my depression is at its worst, I am constantly paranoid my friends are only still my friends because they are afraid of me (26nb)",Depression +24566,took too much of loperamide and some random pills here and there. do not feel anything. realised i do not want to die. too scared to call someone. what to do? may have overdosed,Suicidal +24567,"I cannot relate to the idea of killing oneself so I cannot do that. But I give up.I am just too tired emotionally, and there is nothing holding me on anymore. After a long walk I have arrived home, I have gone to my room, locked myself in and... nothing. I do not want to do anything anymore.I give up. I give up.",Suicidal +24568,No friends. No love. No life. I do not remember what it is like to be happy and I have nothing to live for. I just want the pain to go away I wish I was dead,Depression +24569,The PTSD is fucking unbearable and life is impossible. I think I am going to make an attempt on my life today,Suicidal +24570,"I am not someone who has hurt myself in the past. On paper, I have everything going for me- but I cannot live like this anymore. I literally feel nothing. Every day is the same. I am an empty, emotionless person. I am so tempted to end everything",Suicidal +24571,I lied and for what? Maybe i was too scared. I have never told anyone i was thinking of suicide before. I am such an idiot A psychologist asked me if I was suicidal and I said no,Suicidal +24572,"I am so fucking tired of being depressed. I have been depressed my whole life. My childhood was rough, I always had weight problems, no friends, etc. I think I am the most hideous person on Earth. I used to hate my self so much.I have never had a job I enjoyed. I always dreaded going to these shitty ass jobs. I bust my ass off for them, people tell me I am smart and good at my job but what is the point? there is no promotion no raise. I am stressing myself out working myself to the point of exhaustion for NO REASON. none of this matters it is all so stupid.I felt a glimpse of happiness last year when I got into my first relationship. I gave it my all. I made sacrifices for this person and they broke my heart. Cheated on me. Bullied me. I broke up with them but I still love and miss them so much. I do not see myself being in a relationship anytime soon. Sometimes i feel I will never be as happy as I was last year. Ever again.I am so tired of trying. But at the same time I am tired of being depressed. Its so not fair to end my life and kill myself and let all this bullshit win. Life is too fucking short to live like this all miserable. I am so tired of caring. I am so tired of trying to people please 24/7. Tired of these pointless jobs. I just do not care anymore.I am doing what makes me happy from now on. Imnot fucking busting my ass for this job anymore. While my coworkers are lazy and STILL GET PAID THE SAME AS ME LOL I want to be selfish for once in my life. I want to be happy and I do not fucking care who or what gets in my way I am going to do what I want. I refuse to let all this crap end me. there is so much pressure on us to be perfect. Have the perfect body and face, have a partner, have money, the perfect job. Omg fuck that its sooo stupid. Why do we even have to be those things.I had those things. I had the job the boyfriend had lost weight and I was still fucking miserable. Because I thought i had to follow other peoples idea of perfect and happy. To be happy. But it is such a lie. My idea of happy is different and I am going to find it. We are worth way too much to kill ourselves and lose to depression. Atleast I know i am. I am tired of fighting depression and distracting myself and hiding it from it. Imgoing to beat it bc i cannot do this anymore. I am done..",Depression +24573,"My situation is so hard... God, I pray to you for some relief I do not want to die but physical pain and headaches makes me consider it",Suicidal +24574,"I struggle with depression but I would consider myself fairly high functioning, I can have low lows but most of the time can get out of bed. For most the day I am fine because I have a job that keeps me occupied until 5:30 maybe 7 but from usually an average of 6, untill I go bed, I hate being alone with my thoughts because they can get sometimes so negative. Anyone have any suggestions to possibly cope better? Thanks for the replies in advance! Constantly trying to stay active because of the fear of letting my mind wander...",Depression +24575,"People love and care for me and I know that. And I do not deny it. I just do not want to be alive. I do not want to wake up, eat, go to work, distract myself from the emptiness life truly is. Not just that. I am also psychotically depressed. I do not know who I am anymore when I am not convinced I have to die for some reason and I am the ""chosen"" one who has to free myself from my ""physcial existence"". it is as if suicide is something people actually desire, they just do not know how freeing it is bc they have an illusion that life is better than death. Also, I do not even know who I am. I feel mentally dead. I do not think for myself, I do not understand how people make money and survive if it is not a corporate slave job where they have masters who have all the power and say. I have not been in school because I have been in hospitals *AT LEAST* 2 times a year. So there is no point in ""getting better"" bc I am just not going to. I died years ago when I was 13. Mentally first. Then ""spiritually"". Now my physical existence must go. People care and value life and that is the only reason I am not killing myself bc I do not want to shatter their illusion",Suicidal +24576,"I have no friends, I have no life, I have never kissed a girl and I am turning 22 this year. Dropped out of high school because education in China is brainwashing, (yes I am from China) basically a psychological conditioning education designed to break you so you do not go against the Chinese government when you are old enough to understand what is going on. Internet censorship is increasingly restricted, could not afford to study abroad. I was given many opportunities to make a difference in my life but I threw them away like garbage, taking things from granted. I was young and stupid, chose comfort whenever possible. Now I am at the lowest point in my life, I am tired of fighting, tired of not having the rights a human shall deserve, worse yet I am cannot leave the country because China is denying passport for ordinary citizens, the government keeps telling lies in faulty logic. Ironically my English is way better than my native language, Chinese language is really stupid in terms of thinking. I am really tired of admiring a freer life that I could never have. I am think I am going to say peace to this F****d up life of mine. Was thinking about seeking international protection, I was persecuted for being a more open minded person, but from what I have seen UNHCR in Asia is a joke. I really do not know what to do. I am tired.",Suicidal +24577,"I cannot think straight all I hear is failure and want to hurt myself. I am to scared to hurt myself or kill myself. But I am literally shakinf, and getting dizzy spells and i do not know what to do. I have atypical anorexia and gained weight and now I cannot take this its hurting so much. No I cannot afford a therapist, no I cannot speak to my parents, no I cannot talk to my friends that is why I am here. I cannot do it. Can someone please how do I calm down?",Suicidal +24578,"Hello everyone, I need advice how to help my sister. Some ground informations: my sister is still a teenager and got diagnosed with depression. She is visiting a therapist twice a week and takes medication. Let me describe what happened today. We went shopping bought many things and she was obviously very delighted. You could tell by her body language and her speech. She also mentioned it herself once after obtaining a certain item.But when we were on our way home she started going quiet and was holding tears back. She did not reach out in anyway, instead put some music on and was quiet. I am not sure what to do and let her have her peace without me asking to much questions.But events like these happen occasionally and she would attempt to hurt herself under her arms in an attempt to hide these. I am seriously thinking what I can do to help her someway in these situations but the only thing that comes to my mind is to leave her in peace without disturbing her. Am I doing something wrong or should I behave differently? I thank you all in advance for your possible advice! I need advice how to act",Depression +24579,"A bit of context, I am FtM transgender and in the closet.Over the past few weeks I have been growing more and more depressed and dysphoric, leading up to a break down. As much as Id like to say I am typically stable, this happens every few months, and just like last time, I did it in front of my friend. The two main things that caused this to happen was my realization that I am not happy, I have not been happy in a long time, and that I cannot be happy as a girl. (Part of this hit me when I had a vivid dream where I discovered that I was not a biological female, and everyone just accepted that. I did not need to come out, I did not need to explain or justify myself, I was just genuinely happy.)I texted my friends yesterday saying that I am not going to be active in our group chat because I am close to snapping, and they found this really funny and wanted me to go on a depressed and manic rant (something I have been known to do very well when I am like this). This pissed me off because its clear that they do not actually care about my well-being, and that they just want me to say something funny. Because I was so isolated and left alone with my thoughts, I started harming myself. I was clean for months but the stress of everything made me relapse. Shortly after this I texted my best friend telling him everything that happened and how alone I am. Hes cisgender and is not depressed, so he does not understand what I am feeling, but hes always there for me. I was crying while texting him, telling him everything I did and everything I was feeling. He did not know how to react, and it was clear that he was just concerned, but he just stayed with me. He said that he did not know how to help, and I said that just being here and making sure I am not alone is helping a lot. I told him that I was afraid of going to sleep, because I cannot handle having another dream where I am happy just to be met with my miserable reality. He stayed up with me until 1:30, when he told me I need to sleep and that he will not let me destroy myself by staying awake all night like I wanted.It took an hour for me to fall asleep after that, the entire time all I wanted do was harm myself again, it was the only thought going through my mind and its still the only thought in my head. The only thing stopping me is the thought of my best friend being happy to hear that I stopped, so I have not done it for him. I broke down in front of my friend (tw self harm)",Depression +24580,"i am wasting my days, i come from school eat, shower lie in bed and repeat i do not have the energy to do much, i am hoping to change this summer but i am getting more mentally ill in this house i do not have anywhere else to go, i feel so alone and i am so awkward , i have been thinking of running away but that is not smart. i hate my household i do not like myself , the life i am creating , i do not like being alive i hate everything",Depression +24581,we are online friends so i cannot know for certain but either they died or passed out from what they were trying and I have been trying to distract myself via videos and stuff but it is still lingering on in my head i do not want to lose them and the worse part is that i have not even fully processed this yet and I am still crying i just hope they are alive I am doing my own method rn but it will take over a week to kill me and that is only if i do it correctly i think one of my friends just killed themself,Suicidal +24582,"It takes so much energy to try and form a friendship with someone and so far it has not gotten me anywhere. Depressed because I have no friends or social life, too depressed to make friends",Depression +24583,I cannot cope with this anymore. I could not get a single thing done. I feel like a huge failure and a burden to my family. I feel like my family would be better off if I just died already. I feel like a failure,Depression +24584,"I have not had suicidal thoughts since I was on lexapro. So that was around in December. It was a tough winter. But since March till now (June) I have been working hard on my body. Eating right, exercising, lifting etc. I have lost 20 pounds I was so happy proud of myself. My self confidence went up. But recently I realized I gained 10 pounds. As soon as I saw the number I instantly hit the ground and wanted to hurt myself so badly for being a failure this bad. I do not want to hear maybe its water weight, or your diet is wrong. because its been working for 3 months and now all of a sudden I am gaining weight. Its upsetting. I have atypical anorexia so this was a deviating blow for me. I am still in my bathroom on the ground crying my eyes out, coming down from a panic attack. I lock myself in the bathroom so I do not grab anything or just start hurting myself. This is upsetting. Nothing will make me feel better, and I give up on my weight loss journey. Its useless. Weight loss journey causing suicidal thoughts.",Suicidal +24585,"Is there a way to get rid of scars fast? I like the comfort the cutting brings me. But people seeing the scars and having to explain myself is just hell. Self harm scars, how to get rid fast?",Suicidal +24586,"I feel like I have nowhere to go, I feel uncomfortable everywhere. At my house or outside, alone or with people, it is all the same: I am always uneasy, out of place, wanting to go somewhere else. I hate all the places where I exist.here is my problem: I cannot be happy no matter what I do. I want to put myself out there, try new things, be with other human beings and I just cannot bring myself to do it. I do not have it in me to survive, to keep going. I am a little weaker every day.I try to stay alive but is there really a reason to? Everything that used to make me happy now makes me sad. All the things I used to love are gone. I feel so alone. I just want friends and a hug but I cannot get it and it breaks my heart.Recently my friend's sister killed herself and I have been thinking a lot about suicide. Losing strength",Suicidal +24587,"I am hurting so much. I thought I was done with depression but apparently its not done with me. Everything I touch turns to shit. I cannot do anything right, I cannot even be mentally ill right. I am tired of people telling me that I am not ill as much as I believe I am. I am tired of being invalidated, I am tired of invalidating myself. All these comments make me believe that I created chronic pain that I somehow wanted it to get out of life, that I created depression and anxiety for attention. The worst part is I actually feel these things and its real to me. Every little thing that resulted me in feeling like this was real but it feels like more should happen. Somehow none of it was enough for me to qualify feeling like this. When I was a teen I was severely bullied, as a child I was so anxious and stressed that I pulled my lashes and eyebrows out. I self harmed for years (I do not anymore). I drank and smoked weed to get rid of the pain. I was pee on peer sexually assaulted in school, drugged and sexually assaulted which was so close to being a full blown rape had not I been saved when I was 18. Emotionally abused in relationships, overdosed, Abused by dad and emotionally neglected. Is this not enough? People make me feel like I have it easy. My mum constantly tells me to well look at others pain and be grateful that it is not me. But their pain is not mine. Why do I have to be grateful for my pain because someone has it worse. I am a sham of a person. I do not know what to do Everything is a mess and I cannot cope anymore",Depression +24588,"I have no friends, I have no life, I have never kissed a girl and I am turning 22 this year. Dropped out of high school because education in China is dog sh*t, (yes I am from China) basically a psychological conditioning education designed to break you so you do not go against the Chinese government when you are old enough to understand what is going on. Internet censorship is increasingly restricted, could not afford to study abroad. I was given many opportunities to make a difference in my life but I threw them away like garbage, taking things from granted. I was young and stupid, chose comfort whenever possible. Now I am at the lowest point in my life, I am tired of fighting, tired of not having the rights a human shall deserve, worse yet I am cannot leave the country because China is denying passport for ordinary citizens, the government keeps telling lies in faulty logic. Ironically my English is way better than my native language, Chinese language is really stupid in terms of thinking. I am really tired of admiring a freer life that I could never have. I am think I am going to say peace to this f*cked up life of mine. Good thing there is a pandemic going on making suicide less inconvenient. I have respiratory problems, substance abuse, long story. If I am contracted COVID I am think this is it for me. Was thinking about seeking international protection, I was persecuted for being a more open minded person, but from what I have seen UNHCR in Asia is a joke. I really do not know what to do. I am tired.",Suicidal +24589,"Unfortunately I am one of those people who thinks about death a lot, weather it be by my own hands or the multiple instances of varying degrees of possibility, no matter how attached or detached in reality they are. I have come to find myself feeling numb? Or perhaps merely trying to trick myself into thinking I am.Either way I have known for a while now that I am not afraid of death,However, Id like to think I am stronger than suicide, I like to think I can hold on to this world and refuse to allow it to kill me, that if it truly wants me dead, it can do its dirty work for me itself, and I can save my ultimatum for an actual emergency, to either save another or save myself from a completely bleak situation. Yet at the same time, like a hypocrite, I say I am fully at peace with the unknown of death but the but the unknown of life shakes me to my core. I am still young and getting a sense for this world and what I have learned so far has me scared, hopefully, shocked, amazed, and frightened. I am beginning to see how small everything is yet how large things can appear and how even little thoughtless actions can have massive consequences for those in the present and in the unknowable future. And I just do not know what to do.Except what I have always done. Run and hide and watch from a distance. Talking to ghost and people I have never met through notes and screens of light and half the time I freeze up doing that. To sit in my hole and survive and spectate but never truly live and interact. And I am just tired. I know I can only blame the world I was given and others actions so much because there are many things I can do and could have done differently but the honest response is I am just scaredAnd I do not know how to not be. do not want to kill myself but not sure how to live.",Suicidal +24590,I have like a laundry list of problems I cannot even get to number one. Could you give me a list of things to use in order to not die,Suicidal +24591,"I am struggling so much to belong somewhere. I am fresh out if college and I can not find a job. I lost a friendship and I now have breathing issues. I wanted to do something big in my life but I do not think I will get to in this life time. I feel like a failure and a nobody. It might just be the state I live in but this life, people never gave me a chance. I will probably never have a chance. So what is the point. I AM JUST NOT GOOOD ENOUGH! I cannot DO ANYTHING RIGHT",Suicidal +24592,"I think I learned an important lesson today, that in order to really delve into emotions when trying to build a relationship, and not play games that because disappointment, and flashbacks of past sex-related trauma, the whole body shakes, and breathing suffocates, and you begin to get lost in past memories. Emotions that have not been healed appear and because a mess.And hell is taking over the body, and it is already hard to think positive in this situation. And the pain is just unbearable, Jesus tell me why I decided to go for that thin thread. Trigger- trauma- depression",Depression +24593,"but what is the use if my mental health does not? i still would not be able to appreciate and revel in the beauty of life.no matter how great my situation is, my mind is still in the same state as it was when things were at their worst. if only i could be like a robot with no thoughts, my brain will not overcomplicate things for no reason and i would only live to be productive. things will get better",Depression +24594,"freaking out right now, just took 100mg of zoloft. I am just so stressed out and feeling like giving up. freaking out",Depression +24595,"i have had depression for over a decade and tried every medication. none of them work. therapy was useless. my dysphoria cannot be cured and it is getting harder to access resources because people who do not need them keep clogging up the lines. my depression is so severe i cannot work, and my disability money is not even enough for the cheapest apartment. my life is spent waiting for things to happen and they just keep getting pushed farther into the future. i have lived the same day for 8 years. i do not enjoy anything anymore. i cannot remember what happiness feels like, what *anything* feels like except pain. i do not want to die, but i do not have a choice in the matter. either i die now or i die after suffering for 60 years. none of it matters in the end. i do not agree with society's morals at all, people disgust me. my condition is being turned into a fashion statement. i am hanging on by a thread, if only for the sake of those i love. but I have never been selfless and it is harder to hold on with every day that passes. i am incurable and my life is nothing but pain.",Suicidal +24596,"I have been researching NDE's (near death experiences) and suicide methods for weeks. I read dozens of accounts of NDE's to try and piece together what happens in the afterlife. From what I gathered most people who died felt at peace, but the few who ended up in dark places stuck with me and now I am afraid to kill myself but I still desperately want to die a peaceful death. I figured I would dedicate my life to making others feel good so when I *do* die I am in a nice place. But I cannot even do that right. I have spent days in bed and when I do interact with people I am giving them attitude, being moody, and ""stressing them out"". I am broke, my business failed (which was not my fault) and do not know how to function in society anymore. I have things going for me, but nothing makes me happy anymore and I do not have the same drive that I used to.Anyway I ordered my supplies only to find the gas I planned to use is diluted and likely would not kill me. Now I am annoyed and embarrassed that I have a useless tank in my closet. I know what I want...to die..but with the unknown and the pain I will because I just do not know what to do. I want to kill myself, but I am afraid of Hell",Suicidal +24597,"2020 and 2021 fucked me too much over. I am a seventeen year old girl, diagnosed with autism, who has had bad experience with my mom's ex boyfriend in the past, my dad abused, raped and tortured my mom who is currently in a hospital because I accidentally triggered her PTSD while having meltdowns.I hate myself so much and the environment around me does not help. I live in a crisis center where I feel like I am treated like trash and I just want to have a normal life again, without annoying children who remind me of my failures. I survived a suicide attempt in March. Since my life has not got any better I realized that I am just a ""dead man walking"". I hurt my body by cutting flesh off it and I just want to die. Just disappear, leaving the world looking like a blob of flesh and blood. My body and I do not deserve a nice looking corpse, a nice funeral or anything like that. Just bury me in a ditch or throw me in a trash can. That seems like a fitting place for me I wish I could leave the world in a bloody mess but I really do not care what my body is used for after death",Suicidal +24598,"My life is going to end soon. I have only months left. No, I am not terminally ill. I just lost all my will to live. My life is not like I wished it to be. In Spring I wanted to go to therapy, but I no longer want that. I do not want to get better. I just want the pain to end.When I try to talk about these kind of feelings with my friends, they freak out. I understand that it is hurtful to hear these things from a friend, but they should understand I need somebody to listen to me. I feel so alone. I have never been happy in my life (36 years), but I never imagined that these deeps are possible. I do not want to sink any deeper, I want mercy. I am going to to die soon, and nobody listens to me",Suicidal +24599,"I have had at least 10 suicide attempts, 5 of them were in a single week. and i keep trying, even though i know its never going to work. I have had too many suicide attempts, but i keep trying.",Suicidal +24600,Has anyone tried this or know someone who has? It seems to have amazing results and great reviews. I have found a couple local places that offer it and have already emailed them for more information. I would just like to hear from people who have tried it or know more about it is results. Researching ketamine therapy,Depression +24601,"I do not know what is wrong. Lately I have been noticing how depressed I get when I am alone. I cry all day, and cannot seem to get over it. The problem is I am super introverted, so its really hard for my to be around and actually carry conversations with people. I know it sounds ridiculous but I do not know what to do. I get horrible anxiety when I try to hang out with people, even people I consider close friends, but I also cannot be alone. I feel like I am just destined to be sad, is this all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? what is wrong with me :/",Depression +24602,"I use to be afraid of dying, I wondered when and how but I feel like I really know now that I am inevitably going to become a statistic. I wish I had taken care of myself sooner but my pain has such a tight grip that its digging into my skin. Its a part of me now and I cannot help but feel so less than, subhuman, worthless, etc. I cannot see or even comprehend that other people do not think or live like this. Its impossible for me to see a happy future, I am at the point where I do not believe my brain can be fixed. My traumas and my horrible depressing mindset are so engrained into me and I have never had the resources, knowledge, or guidance to help myself. I have been shamed into silence for shit for so long to that I get worse when I talk about my problems so I hold them in, crying and hurt myself when I am alone and then eventually blow up. I am not even at my mid twenties yet and I hate the world because it is such a dark awful place. No one should have to live like this and I hate that I have kept going. I mean life is hard, you will struggle, and be hurt. Everyone lives through this but I do not understand why. Slowly all my life I have just realized that life is totally meaningless. We work ourselves sick and feel so much pain for what? To live a few decades and die? To be constantly in pain and be let down? Fuck that. I am only still here because life is still picking me apart slowly like its done for the past 23 years. I still I am getting closer to suicide everyday",Suicidal +24603,i just want to be normal and be able to study and score well and be happy and freeeeeeeee bruh i go thru an episode like every three weeks i cannot take this shit no more,Depression +24604,"As a normal person, i want to kill myself so much sometimes. Just wanted to share it with someone. I do not usually hang around in places like this, but",Suicidal +24605,"Ok so I was bullied since I was in 1st grade. I had no friends no one liked me in school and they all used to make fun of me for being quite and ugly. it was my classmates who used to bully me. But bullying started in my bus too. I remember I was the youngest one there half of them were highschoolers. And furthermore we all lived in a same neighborhood . They bullied me for years till one of the high school girl graduated and what leaves is me and some other students they all were male. There they started sexually abusing me, they started touching me. When I was fade up with that I told everything to my mum, she was kind of person who blames the victim, she started calling me weak, saying that I cannot stand for myself, that is my fault. So I told my dad about bullying but not about the sexual abuse. Cuz I was scared. He warned them. They stopped bullying me for a while, they started it again. Luckily my father got transferred to another City, and we moved out from that city. I was glad at first thinking it will be fun making new friends at a new school. But things did not go well, again I was left alone, literally no one wanted to be friends with me. I used to eat lunch alone. Then in 6grade, some bunch of girls started bullying me, they would called me ugly, well yeah I am not good looking but that does not give them any right to bully someone. I did stand up for myself this time. But nothing worked. I complained about this to my teacher but she simply ignored me. One time some guys wrote horrible things on my books and they started stealing my stuffs. I do not know how I lived that time. This bullying effected my academic scores, I did not do well in my exams. And yeah I was dumb too, my academic scores were always less. And my parents were always disappointed in me. I never got any awards in sports or academics except an award for full attendence. I tried to skip school so many times. But my parents were strict asf, they even made me go school when I had terrible fever too. one time I had cold and somehow managed to skip school so my mum started blabbering and she started taunting me and my dad beaten the shit out of me. So I decided to never skip school after that. Then I was sent to hostel, after failing 11th grade, I repeated the class again in girls school. Well it was not that bad even tho I was left alone. But there was still some people who cared about me. And in 15yrs it was the 1st time I ever had a best friend. Well the quarantine made me close to some people as I am an introvert, with trust issues. Anyways situation is worse even today. I am suicidal and I blame my parents for that but sometimes I feel like I should not be blaming them, maybe it is me that is my fault. This year I am 18 now and I am going to be in college and I am scared, what if this happens there too? I have fought back before too but at the end they all blamed me, no one was by my side, and portrayed themselves as victims. My life is just full of shit. But still let us see how far I would go...I know there are some people like me who suffered worse. I hope you all doing well now. I Was bullied everywhere and everytime. Now I am traumatized",Suicidal +24606,"I am having one of those days where everything just feels empty and it is like I cannot find anything to do. I have been thinking about going to sleep but I really should not, I have a delicate sleep schedule and I need to be able to go to school and work at the right times.Is there any easier way to get through this? What do I do?",Depression +24607,Someone mind have a chat with me? Closed in a psychiatric hospital,Suicidal +24608,"Not bothered anymore. Super lonely working a shit job to get money I do not even want/spend. Feel like crap both physically and mentally. Why put myself through this. I have found piece with my decision to leave. However, my family will never accept it. Typical that the one thing that goes my way is a good family. I am to lazy to even write a proper goodbye note and research different methods. Some waste of time and energy. How do people do it",Suicidal +24609,I do not know what to say.I have been suicidal pretty much since the start of my teenage years. I do not know if I have depression or not but suicide is the only thing I am able to think about. I have fun with my friends and I think they like me too and I am dating a beautiful girl.I feel like I should be thankful for all I have but all I can think about is ending my life. My left arm has self harm scars that I have subconsciously trained myself to hide.I have scanned online forums for methods and now I find myself adding materials for my chosen method to my Amazon cart.I have had a desire to exit that has only grown with time. Was committing suicide at a young age my only purpose on this earth? Anyone feel like committing suicide is their only purpose in life?,Suicidal +24610,"I know it is not the right sub, it is just I come from a poor town I do not get paid enough In my job, In the town there is a lot of poverty and charity shops.A supermarket has closed down In the town, the local government has bought that building a charity shops has closed down rent Is also expensive In the town.The nearest city is 39 minutes away, I cannot afford a car or afford driving lessons since most of my money goes to food and water.I want to leave this town, I have an account on the army UK website I do not want to join the army I do not know what to do at this point. Since most of the jobs are very low paying jobs 25,000 a year. I cannot keep on doing this.",Suicidal +24611,"I have everything setup. I am more ready than ever before.A little background:Couple of months ago I fell into the trap of abusing drugs. Although I abused drugs I were never addicted and it was not hard at all to quit cold turkey. As easy it would be for most people to simply say 'no' to yourself when you have planned to have a 5 mile run the moment you see it is raining outside. However what really been tough for me is to break free from a very abusive relationship. It really sucks. Trauma bonding, Stockholm syndrome, whatever. That was like the battle of my life. But I finally got out and it felt pretty ok. But not anymore though. Throughout the relationship I was gradually becoming more and more isolated from friends/family and that is a thing I *begin* to understand now.Been trying to rebound with old friends but nothing works. I also tried to seek help from them through this tough battle of breaking up, but none of them have reached out to me, not a single one. Even though they know what I have been through. Fuck it really hurts. Anyways, this has truly damaged my self confidence to the degree where I cannot stand up for myself in any circumstances at all. The only one I actually had were my abusive ex, who of course did not like that I broke up. But since it were the only one I could talk to we kept meeting up at times. Not a good idea. The abuse just continued. And if my self confidence was damaged before, it was completely ruined after this. I tried to talk to my family about it, but they refused to understand. Guess they are all narcs/psychopaths. I believe that is the reason I fell for my ex, who definitely have a lot of Cluster-B personality disorder traits. It must be so, that I have people in my family with a cluster-B diagnose. Therefore it were completely normal for me to be gaslit etc. However, my family believe I am 'just depressed'. That freaking hurt me like hell. Fuck! Due to this i.e. that my family believes I am depressed, I have noticed a lot of strange symptoms for me lately such as hard time falling asleep, emotionally numb, having strange smelly farts, being apathetic. I really think they are putting SSRI in my food. I really believe so. 100%. But my lack of self confidence prevents me from confronting them about it. It really kills me slowly alongside the loneliness. The reason I eat the food they make is because I have no income at all and therefore no choice unfortunately. I guess I am just tired to live. it will be better for me to leave this world. Rather than being depressed I do believe I have developed some sort of PTSD after this abusive relationship. Living with PTSD/CPTSD truly sucks. Being lonely truly sucks. The last person I had a conversation +1 hour with was my ex. Roughly 2 months ago. it is time for me to leave this world. I wish you all the best and I know for a fact that you will survive this. Always trust your gut. I failed on this and look where it got me. Complete misery. Good bye! I will do it tonight.",Suicidal +24612,Is there any type of suicide methods that will end you in the deathbed? Such that you can say what you want to say to the friends/families before your last breath. Different approach to suicide,Suicidal +24613,"To start just curious if my mentality constitutes depression. I am a janitor i have no motivation nothing feels like it seems to matter anymore in my life I use to have goals they have all gone to hopelessness. I have come to believe and think. there is only three truths in this world. You will work, you will pay money and you will die. And that is all there is so give up on any thought of things to make you happy because its a waste of energy and time. Is this depression causing me to feel this way? Kind of new to depression.",Depression +24614,I am 37 years old. I am a long term thinker. Grew up in a well off but workaholic family. I have saved all my money since I was 17 years old to avoid the situation I am in now. And none of it worked and I am 100% stuck in a hopeless career. I could have driven a Viper when I was 20 but I chose to save the money for my future and my future was yesterday. I am capable of enjoying life if I could get some time off and have some progress in my career or investments. But it is been almost 2 decades of zero on both counts. I get by by the hour. I have zero mental energy which translates to zero physical energy. I sit in my car shaking during breaks and come home and collapse in bed. Just to do it all over again the next day with no end in sight. I really want to die Mentally normal but very suicidal due to circumstance,Suicidal +24615,**I just want to go away forever I cannot deal with life anymore** done with life,Suicidal +24616,i was wondering if you could give me some help with this matter...my young cousin is posting some suicidal stuff online and seems to be getting a little dark punk rock vibes only and I am feeling worried about him. i needed help when i was his age because i was severely depressed and did not have any help back then. i used to cut myself and i heard my mom saying that recently he did that too.i do not want to see that happening again in our family and i feel like I am the one to do something about it.any ideas on how to address this? should i talk to him? what should i do? cousin (15m) showing suicidal tendencies,Suicidal +24617,"Idk what to do. I really want and need to die... But I can not do it. Idk how...I am scared. I can barely leave the house, I depend on others, I behave weirdly. No one is going to believe me, help me die... I try but I can not.I can not make money, I simply get crushed, I can not be part of society. I can go nowhere.Because of how frantic I am and behaving completely different on the outside and trying to mask...I am constantly scared.I can not do this anymore. I can not fake. I can not lie. I am locked inside... No escape",Suicidal +24618,"Hi all, this is my first time posting here. I have been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. All I want to do is stay in bed and forget the world. I have been feeling mega alone recently. Anytime I reach out to anyone to hang out or even have a phone call, I just get excuses and lies. So yeah- having a horrible day. Thanks for reading! Feeling Alone",Depression +24619,"I am 15 and have been depressed for years not told a single person out of a combination of fear and humiliation,my family is extremely insensitive to metal disorders,I do not want to reach out to an adult because my family would find out ,technology is one of the few things that keep me sane and that would all be either destroyed or sold , I have considered talking to a close friend about it so I have someone Ik to talk to I do not know how he feels about metal problems. I fear he would tell somebody and only make it harder I am sick of being alone",Depression +24620,"Every morning I want to quit , every morning my legs hurt from the stress , how do you guys who feel something similar make it through the day? How do you guys manage to go to work and hold jobs down ?",Depression +24621,All day long manipulative advertising like a bludgeon over the head. If you tied someone to a chair to drive them mad make them docile and sit and watch a week of advertising and reruns and they would tell you anythingbetween that tv reality shows that just attract the most obnoxious irritants that they could possibly find and give them airtime And everything is unbelievably overhyped like it is now a political and social agenda whoop whoopwhen really the whole damn system is just a meat grinder and an extremely boring way to live majority of people on the other side have turned either a complete abnoxious blowhard or a bitchy aul cunt I do not know how anyone has that much energy just to be a total arse obnoxious cunt . watching this shit show on repeat and seeing some of the bizzare specimens that inhabit this earth is mildly depressing. Anyone find tv just a total overly dramatic emotional drain and distraction ?,Depression +24622,"I am typing this while lying in bed snuggled up with my cat at 11:47 a.m.I would say I am ""sleeping in"" but I have got a terrible habit of getting on backwards sleeping schedules, and I have actually been awake since 5 p.m. yesterday.As I lie here, I am thinking about how all I really want is to sleep and be lazy with my cat, having that feeling of almost about to fall asleep, forever. I cannot seem to find a purpose to my life, or any reason of why I am still here. I have recently started therapy and medication, (and I mean very recent, I have only been to 1 session, and on medication for 2 months) but even still, I do not want to exist anymore. The medicine has help compared to when I first asked for help, I am not in a deep hole constantly thinking of suicide, now I just feel ""normal"" but I still think it would be better to not be here. Which then makes me feel guilty, since I am inevitably just wasting everyone is time trying to help me. I do not really believe in anything after death, but I honestly just want to sleep for eternity, in some kind of floating bed type void, because at least when I am sleeping I do not have to think about how miserable the world is.I guess I decided to type all this out in case anyone finds comfort in being similar to someone. Or if you are like me, and kind of doom scroll through this sub. i just want to sleep.",Suicidal +24623,"First off, I am not going to do anything. So, no one has to worry. So, do you hear that my reddit stalker that scared the shit out of me four years ago? You do not have to worry and take screenshots of anything this time! I figured that I would get some kind of fast response here. I was sexually assaulted twice last year and I am not handling the trauma of it well at all, somedays. Today seems to be one of those days. Looking for an ear.",Suicidal +24624,"i never truly understood how terrifying and gripping despair is until now. the absolute feeling of nothing good left, the loss of all hope. my hopes of living seemed to be tied to my partner, and now that they have left me i am having difficulty seeing a point in going on. i have no aspirations, ambitions, skills, nothing. ill probably work at my same dead end retail job for my entire life if i continue. i cannot handle being alone anymore. the feeling of being truly and totally alone is something so horrifying, its draining all of my energy. i do not even have the energy to kill myself. i hope my anorexia kills me soon. despair",Suicidal +24625,"just for context, i had a rough childhood, most of which i cannot remember. of course there are a few stray memories here and there, but for the most part my brain refuses to allow me to remember my childhood. i do know that i endured a lot of emotional abuse, and that i was neglected. my parents are divorced, and each have remarried and had new kidsabout 5 and a half years ago, I began to understand better how the world works, and how to be in touch with my emotions. and since then there has always been this constant nagging for me to just, pull the plug on life. i do not feel love from either of my two families, my friends never check up on me, I am afraid i have too much emotional baggage for my boyfriend to handle. and i do not just mean ""oh no! my family does not give me enough attention"", i mean i genuinely do not feel love for them or from them.i genuinely feel as though the world would not care about my death, and that i SHOULD end it, because if anything, people would be better off. my parents (who hate each other) would no longer be tied together by me, and they have their own new families that they would grow with, and forget about me. my friends hardly care about me anyways, so it would not make much of a difference there. and my boyfriend would not have to deal with my ever-changing moods and insecurities. I have been shutting my emotions off for a long time just to get through each day, but just recently I have allowed myself to 'feel' again, and it is becoming too much for me to handle. i got comfortable when things we are good and now that they are not i do not know if i can handle it. there is too many things wrong, not enough love from the world, myself or the people around me, and nothing to look forward to. i do not have an active plan, but i have had a few different plans that I have come up with that would make it quick & easy. i guess i just need to think about it some more and see where i end up. the world would be no different without me here",Suicidal +24626,i cannot talk to my friends about the way I am feeling because i feel like that would just burden them. one of my friends told me today she likes to hang out with me because i am in suck a good mood all the time. i am not. i have been thinking about killing myself all week. i feel like she is lying to make me feel better. to make me feel loved. but i just feel even worse. she also said i looked nice. my hair is a mess and I am not really sleeping so i have bad eye bags. she lied about that too. why do i seem happy to others if I am doing so bad. maybe I am not even doing as bad as i think i am. maybe I am just making this up and getting into my head too much. i feel like a burden to all of my friends,Depression +24627,"I am not exactly sure where to ask that. If there is a better subreddit for it, let me know it and I will go there. Here is the story.I began to be in depression at aroud 12, for no specific reason that I can recall. At 17 I try to strangulate myself to death during my sleep. At 18 I tried to asphyxiate myself in a car. Nobody noticed it. At 20, I shot myself in the mouth with a 22 long rifle. It was harder to hide, so family and friend finally knew it. I was incredibly lucky, since I was not paralysed or disfigured, and had very little sequels. This I can understand, it is biology and a huge amount of luck. What I cannot seem to explain though, is that since then I am not depressed anymore, and it is been 15 years. I had my up and downs depending on my life situation, of course, but not the dark thoughts everyday that nothing could make disappear. So, does anybody has a theory on why I am not depressed anymore ? it is just curiosity, and nothing will change if I find an answer, but I did not manage to by myself in those 15 years. Thanks. And to be clear I know I was incredibly lucky both mentally and physically, and of course I would never ever suggest a suicide attempt to end depression. I was depressed. Tried to kill myself. Was not depressed anymore. Why ?",Depression +24628,"it is kind of a blur,, i have BPD and i dissociate and do dumb things. i just took 10 50mg sertraline which does not seem like a lot considering past attempts but i do not want to go to hospital. is this going to kill me???? please help i hope i did not fuck up too bad",Suicidal +24629,Maybe ill still be able to see someone again one last time after that who cares.I cannot find anyone and I cannot get over someone covid ruined that I am tired of having waited months for nothing and I am especially tired of having to pay for it to be faked Was going to vaccinated this sun day but I guess id rather drink my self to death.,Suicidal +24630,"As an introvert and a person suffering from depression, I really thought that this whole pandemic can help me rest and have a better mental health since I decided to go home to our province. I was really expecting to have a good environment, finally a rest from the busy and noisy city life. But I was wrong. First few months was great, it was fine. But as it gets longer I am starting to get this bad feelings again. I was actually starting to have panic attacks because my childhood trauma was like reopened (I do not know what is the better term but it was like having a flashback of all the bad things that happened to me when I was a child)And then I feel pressured because I do not have a job since I resigned before I went back home. Though I started this small business but it does not seem to work out. My parents are starting to complain about the bills and I really really wanted to help them financially but I just cannot. I cannot even find a part time job online because of this pandemic. Now my friend suggests that I apply to work abroad, she said I might be hired once the pandemic ends but when is that going to happen? And oh, I remembered that I cannot have a job abroad because I have this illness. I have this weak lungs. Who wants to hire a person who has weak lungs?!?! That sucks right? Now what I am supposed to do?I cannot even bother my family telling them all this, about how I really feel because I do not want them to worry about me. I am used to not telling them about anything anyways because they will just dismiss how I feel anyway. So yea. that is why I chose to just share this here. On this app.But you know what. I am really tired. I did not asked to be born like this. I do not want this. I did not SIGNED UP FOR THIS. I am tired being tired. I am tired being weak. I am tired being depressed. I am tired crying every night. I am tired being me. I just do not know anymore.",Depression +24631,"Talked with a girl (on tinder) i fell in love with, met with her after a month and we had a lot of sex, two days later she tells me she got an infection Now its getting harder as i realize it is all my mistake for not taking care in past intercourses with other girlsI have a blood check appointment but I am affraid of what will come upI feel like i do not want to live for the results to come, my past suicidal tendencies are back up after a year of recoveryI do not know what to do, I am just lost and tired of dealing with my mistakes Met the a girl i love, got her some infection",Suicidal +24632,"Lately life has been fading out like a watery blur.Complete let go, I have been through it so much times... No aspirations, lack of empathy, no more worries with the consequence of no joy. Dreary, watercolor days.It feels as though I am haunting myself, I see dishes put up neatly, the dust wiped off the fan, texts. I feel that was not me, I have been replaced with a soulless autopilot, they do things for me, because if they do not continue, I give up completely.I do not worry about any of these things anymore, I walk in a straight apathy line, doing things for no reason, but there is no reason to stop doing them, either. Watercolor days",Depression +24633,"Hello! I am a 21-year-old male. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last November. I thought I was getting better because of meds and monthly visits to a therapist. But lately, it is really difficult for me to put effort and patience into the things I like, that is why I feel that I am not achieving anything in my life.Currently, I have no motivation to get out of my bed and try new things. I really want to start filmmaking, but I am so impatient to learn. I also want to exercise, but it is too hard for me to begin.I feel like I am not growing. I am stuck at rock bottom. To be honest, I am so pressured to be good at something always because I feel like I am running behind. I cannot stop comparing myself to others because some of my peers are already successful.Most of the time, I feel so dumb too. it is difficult for me to learn and remember things. I am also having a hard time building an opinion. I feel like I do not have enough skills to have a successful career. there is A Lot Wrong with Me that is Hard to Change",Depression +24634,"For maybe 8 years or so, I have developed a pretty strong self hatred and doubt. I used to be extremely confident in HS, but later in it I lost that confidence.Now, as a 24y/o software developer with a full time work from home job (my first even!), I have days quite often where I just feel awful. I will feel like a failure for not being happy, or for not being able to get up and work sometimes.For 8 years, I have denied this is anything different from what others go through, and decided I am simply being weaker than most by not being able to deal,with these feelings.What I want to know is... Is this actually as normal,as I think it is? To one day, be tearfully happy with your life (nice apt with gf of 5 years, work from home 48k/ year, 2 good cats), but the next day be so damn sad for no reason that it is difficult to get up to work? Is this normal?",Depression +24635,"While my real life is kind of shit. I have been feeling better through the passing days. I have been on discord more frequently and i started going on voice channels. Idk what it is, but the vc's just feel kind of, homely. I always feel better after a couple of hours of being in the vc. So, judging by how I am feeling right now. I do not think I am going to kill myself. I am probably going to abandon this acc now (aside from the occasional comments) But i might come back if i want to die again. Thank you to those who have helped me along the way. I am getting better (kind of) {repost cuz noone saw}",Suicidal +24636,"I am not depressed or anything but its like one second I am fine and the next second I am on the verge of tears. Nothing in particular triggers it, and its not PMS. Is there anyway to fix? Why do I have random boughts of sadness?",Depression +24637,I cannot call anyone for help. All I want is my mum Samaritans never picked up,Suicidal +24638,My life sucks. I am a 24 year old male who is so miserable. I have no friends. No social support besides my parents. I do not have my bachelor degree yet. I am obese. I feel like so many people dislike me. I do not like the city I live in. I constantly think/ruminate about my bad memories of the past. Such memories include-getting choked and bullied by a football player who is currently in the NFL. So many people at the school I attended loved and worshiped him.He was such a jerk and bully. What he did to me shattered me emotionally and mentally and affected my manhood. All I said was pick up the cups one day after practice my freshman year humbly and he tried to fight me on the field before somebody tried to break it up. We exchanged words as we head back in the locker room and I knew in my mind I had to fight this arrogant bully because I remember being bullied in 6th grade and I told myself that you got to stand for yourself or he is going to continue to pick on you and bully you. Long story short I charge at him and he got my in a chokehold where we exchanged punches before some body pushed him to a locker-getting betrayed by my friends-dropping out of high school my senior year and not being able to finish wrestling season because of my severe depression.-not being able to play football my senior year of high school because of severe anxiety and having numerous panic attacks.-not going to prom-women showing no interest me-being an outsider Their is so many things I would say but I do not want to take to much of yalls time.Sometime I feel like suicide is the only option because my life is terrible. I am at rock bottom and I feel depressed and suicidal all the time,Suicidal +24639,"I know what awaits me on the other side: nothing.And I leave conscious of this, because nothingness is better than this life. Nothing after death.",Suicidal +24640,"I am with my cousin and I just cannot stop thinking that he is literally me but better in every way. Funnier, nicer, cooler, looks better, he is straight I am bi etc. He is just better in every way and i cannot stop thinking about it. How do I stop comparing myself to others?",Depression +24641,I know this is not a good reason to kill yourself but I am just done with everything. Bye bye world Got racist people at work,Suicidal +24642,"I do not know where to post I am sorry I just do not want this anymore I am so tired and I feel so bad. Everyday I do something wrong and there is a fight and I just wanted to be with him and I used to feel so good but I do not anymore. I feel like cutting so much but I am so scared and I promised him I would not do it anymore and I cannot lie to him. I feel like a stain in the world, I should not be here, I should have died when I tried for the first time, everything I try to show love to I just ruin, I just kill it every time. I do not even think straight anymore I just do everything I can to fix things and never anything works it just makes it worse. I do not know what is wrong with me, I just want to sleep and for this to be just a bad dream and tomorrow I could just wake up and not ruin everything again. Title",Suicidal +24643,Title says it all. No one cares. I passed out at work yesterday while I was punching out after working 10 hours in sweltering heat. No one from work has reached out to see how I am feeling today.,Depression +24644,"But it is the option I long for, the one I think is the best, because I no longer feel anything to stay here. I know that dying is not the only option, but...",Depression +24645,Why should I care about death?Why should I feel fear or sadness? I see death as something trivial.,Depression +24646,"I know myself that i need therapy. But with every paycheck,BOOM billsBOOM responsibilitiesBOOM unexpected expensesAnd now I am back here When will help come",Depression +24647,"there is nothing more to say. The guy seemed completely annoyed, giving one sentence responses, and when I told him he was being helpful he just ended the chat.Granted, I am difficult to deal with, but now I do not know what to do since the helpline is like a last resort kind of thing. Helpline made me feel worse",Depression +24648,"""somebody is in the hospital right now begging God for opportunity you have. do not you dare go to bed depressed. count ur blessings and shake it off"" yup. that is what he said. I cannot fucking believe him. how do i even respond to this? Stop comparing me to people who have it worse, dear dad.",Depression +24649,I feel like my girl best friend of 8 years is slowly becoming better friends with my best friend she is only talking too for 3 months than me. What am i doing wrong?I feel sad What am i doing wrong?,Depression +24650,"Bad....in a really bad spot right now and i honestly do not know what to do and have nobody to ask for help.I am from a shitty eastern european country and I live alone and now i have no more money , no food left and I am supposed to wait until the end of the month to get some money as a scholarship from my university that I was supposed to get this month but it got postponed.I tried everything , but i do not have any charity in my city or food pantries like the usa , not even at church i could not get help and I have nothing else besides m phone which I need to take online exams.I am....hungry , tired , anxious , cannot even sleep from the stress and i feel life is completely done I have nobody i can ask for help and who I have asked made me feel like a piece of shit for asking..I do not know what to do I fucked up",Suicidal +24651,"Left uni one year ago. Fired from my job one month ago. No friends, just people that use me. Never been in a relationship. My mental health is a mess. No one loves or cares about me, if I only could disappear no one would notice or mind. Home alone for 8 more days before my family returns from holiday. I will not hide the temptation to end it is pretty strong. I have to feed my cat until they come back though, I do not want to make her suffer.cannot take it any longer. Everyone gets tired and sick of me at best after a few months. there is no place for me in this world. Please make me disappear once and for all I am worthless",Depression +24652,"I feel completely hopeless.I live alone , I am broke , i got no more food, and I am supposed to live off of remaining 1 euro for the rest of the month.I am fucked up and pathethic and everything hurts.I haveso much anxiety now i can barely sleep and i have nobody to ask for help I am freaking out so much.I have tried getting help in so many ways but nothing worked I am living some of the worst days of my life.Can someone talk to me please? I do not know what to do",Depression +24653,"Sometimes when strong feelings overwhelm my mind I feel like multiple people.Person 1: you are overreactingPerson 2: your feelings are valid but you should still disappear Person 3: you are a fucking retarded cunt that deserves pain, hurt yourselfPerson 4: you have finally delivered a child into this world after losing so many, you deserve life as much as your son Person 5: fucking disappointment I feel like I am going crazy I feel like I have alter egos",Depression +24654,"i do not know what is wrong . in the last 2 days I have cried 2 times in front of my parents and made them more depressed than i ever did. i do not feel like doing anything , but suicide is just a so harsh option. i mean my parents, friends ,teachers all are there to support me and this makes me confused that what should i actually do because my father has cardiac issues and is diabetic at the same time, my mother is a teacher and does whatever possible to get me out of this , my parents love me so much and i just do not understand what should i actually do , i am literally crying rn and i did not tell this but i am an ocd patient and a maladaptive daydreamer. i hate this thing about myself, all the feelings have died and the feeling which is surviving till now is of guilt and regret. empathy has died and there is nothing much wrong with me , it is just that my mood changes all day long , neither me nor my parents think thaat meds will help me cope with this I do not know what is wrong I usually do not say anything like this but do read this post, it does not make any sense after all as nothing is going to get better",Depression +24655,"I do not know really what say other than I am alone and all I can think about is opening my wrists. I do not want to for the sake of my partner and parents but it is all I can think about, and while before the thought of my loved ones grief has stopped me short. But now it feels like I have put so much pressure on them for so long that they do not even realise how tired of me they are. I think the first few weeks might be hard for them, but I think they will bounce back quicker than they think. I cannot go though another year of this incessant and seemingly sourceless pain. Not confident in my ability to hold in.",Suicidal +24656,I stopped smoking a couple days ago cuz my lungs are inflamed. I have done nothing but lay in bed in my own dirt. Te thought of food makes me feel repulsed. Ig I just do not know what to do because I mentally and physically cannot do this again. Its getting bad again,Depression +24657,I have a plan. I have gone over it many times in my head. I looked up how long it takes to die by driving off the road from a mountain pass. If I get the height right death will be nearly instant. Its just about finding the right bridge height. Worst part is as a man we are just now being told its okay to tell people about these things and how we feel only for people to in a sense invalidate it. So its tough to trust people and I do not want to tell my family because its a lot for them. I am starting to feel like nothing else matters. Things I have wanted to go one way ended up not working out. Now I feel alone and trapped.,Depression +24658,"I wish I die so I do not need to fake my happiness,to hide my pains and overthinking.i wish that day come soon to me. Who can pretend better?? =A depress person lmao.",Suicidal +24659,"Hi everybody. I have a revolver that can be chambered both with a 357 and a 38 special caliber.I love my family, but I hate my life more that I love them, so I need at least to do not do a mess.I see pictures of headshot suicide with a 357, the death is almost sure, but the hole is really huge (and i saw one where the skull fractured, so it seemed that the corse had a half head)A 38 special is cleaner, but I am really afraid that something could go wrong and I will be in a vegetative state.Do you have stories, or better pics or vids, of suicide with a 38 special? How much possibilities there will be of being effective?(Not english, so sorry for grammar mistakes). 38 special vs. 357",Suicidal +24660,Why should I care about death? Why should I feel fear or sadness? I see death as something trivial.,Suicidal +24661,"Decided to change the date to whenever I buy enough sleeping pills and alcohol, fuck family fuck life fuck everything. At least I will be dead soon no longer guilty about how my family will be as fuck them I am not staying alive just from guilt. Fuck everyone Last post ever",Suicidal +24662,"I struggle with making food, struggle with eating, struggle with studying, I struggle with everything. I would just lay in bed and surf net. How to fix myself? should I go to psychiatrist and take meds? No motivation to do anything besides surfing net",Depression +24663,I cannot fucking take all of her abuse anymore. Killing myself in a weeks time My narcissistic sister deserves to be raped and burnt alive,Suicidal +24664,"I am too weak to handle everything. I am just overwhelmed and exhausted. I wish I could just sleep forever to end this existential dread, I am so tired. I am not made for life",Depression +24665,Just stop being depressed and get over it. BE A MAN face your problems stop crying do you really think the spartans in the sparta time 480 bc had time to sit down and cry because they were depressed ? NO THEY WERE TOUGH AF so get tough. And be strong. You guys that are depressed are just weak emotionally.,Depression +24666,"I am hanging by a thread. after losing my entire self in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years, sexually and emotionally. being raped at 17. my parents abandoning me and divorcing at 15, leaving me to pick up the pieces as a child. I have never had one of these traumas handled, I have never talked to anyone, been put on med after med,. i finally have a therapist, we have seen each other three times, but i just feel the same. a depth of despair that I would never with on any single soul. i feel numb, i do not feel like i inhabit my body and I am just watching myself completely fall apart. I am addicted to weed and alcohol- its the only thing that hellps me cover up the devastation. i tremble all day, i want to crawl out of my body. I am 30 years old and feel like I bring nothing to this world, that I am a waste of space and that my family would be so much better if I did not bring down their lives with my problems. it is always something wrong with me and I am exhausted. breaking",Suicidal +24667,i am so tired just so so tired i was doing so good in may and now I am right back to it all and the only thing keeping me here is the fact that my boyfriend already lost someone to suicide lol barely holding on,Suicidal +24668,"Does anyone else have horrible, horrible depression upon waking up every day? How do you manage it?I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 and struggle with it daily, but it seems to be worse in the morning, right when I wake up. As soon as I hear my alarm go off and I feel that initial exhaustion and reality sinks in, I get so depressed and anxious about the day ahead that it causes minor (and sometimes major) panic and I begin my descent into nervous, depressed, hopeless hell. I battle so hard with physically leaving my bed, getting ready, being engaged at work, etc.I think a lot of my depression is linked to the fact that I am not happy with my job and have no desire to be waking up and going to it. Its mundane and nothing remotely close to what I actually would like to do for a living. However, I kind of fell into my current field when I moved out and I have not had any luck over the last 7 months searching for something Id maybe enjoy. I was let down by how difficult it is to find a job after graduating college and now feel stuck in this corporate office environment.Anyway, does anyone have advice for how to deal with overwhelming morning depression? I try to focus on the little joys like seeing my dog in the morning and brewing the first cup of coffee, but even then I feel like I cannot possibly keep doing this much longer before I end up quitting my job. Immediate Morning Depression. Advice?",Depression +24669,"The feeling of regret. You know you should have done something, do something differently, take your chances. But now, there is nothing to be done anymore. there is nothing worse than when this feeling sinks in. I will not live with this feeling anymore. Do you know this feeling?",Suicidal +24670,Would save a lot of time I wish people always felt the same about me as I felt about them,Depression +24671,"I would erase my memories and become a completely different person if I can. I just do not want to be stuck this way anymore. No matter people say I cannot see things any differently and no one seems to realize that.Even if there is hope, I do not think so. Even if I am a good person, I do not think so. I just feel more and more tired every day and want to kill myself. I do not even know how many times I have attempted already.I am so tired, of trying to change while being able to do nothing, of wasting every day and not knowing what to do. Why should I die? Why should not I die? I cannot remember anymore. Everything hurts, everything's confusing. Everything's killing me. Yet I am still alive.I honestly wish I am dead. I would feel suicidal every day and when I try to kill myself I cannot remember why. My mind would just go blank, and my suicide attempt would be almost a subconscious act. Even so, I still think it is better to die than be alive.Why am I saying this anyway? I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest?A few weeks ago I felt like I was going crazy. But now I think I am already crazy and there is no end to this insanity.Thank you. Sorry. Just let me die",Suicidal +24672,I know I need help but I cannot voice it. And i do not even know how to say this. I just want to disappear. I am hopeless. I cannot anymore. I need help,Suicidal +24673,"Today is just another day that will be lonely for me. Yea of course it will be ""better"". People told me that 10 years ago and I am still in the same spot. Go fuck yourselves whoever tried to give me some ""motivation speech"". True forced loneliness does exist and it does not get better. I have no idea why I am writing this anyway. I believe everyone deserved atleast one friend. But welcome to society 2000-2021 shit is now different. This life sucks! Never had proper friends, not even the shittest ones. No idea where I am going to be after 10 years. Another lonely day",Suicidal +24674,So badly. I just want to know what its like to wake up and look forward to the day ahead and have hope in my future and who I am and who I am growing into. That is all. I WISH I was not DEPRESSED,Depression +24675,"I feel like i lose the purpose of my life. I have become very sensitive. Every little inconvenience makes me suicidal. I have come to hate people's presence, even my parents who have done a lot for me. I feel like i tore their hope of becoming a successful child. I feel embarassed when people who knew me as a smart kid know I am still job jobless. As result, i lose all my friends because i ghosted them.I know my problem is not as fatal as others. But this is how i feel right now. I failed my kid-self that thought i would be an honorable and successful adult and would be respected by everyone.Yes this is 100% me-problem. I hate myself hence i do not want to live anymore. I was a smart kid, got high grades and praised by adults a lot. Now I am 24, jobless and hopeless.",Suicidal +24676,Idk what to domy boyfriend is being suicidal now again does not want to take his bipolar medicine. Hes just saying he wants to be deadhis plan is to buy a generator I literally had to stop him from walking into Lowes and hes also says the most hurtful things and I understand wanting to die I mean I take medicine for depression.. but he does not want help. And this happens once every other monthhe says hell just do it when I am asleep :( This is making me sad. I am just balling in tears :( Any advice appreciated thank you My bf is suicidal,Depression +24677,I cannot ask for help it feels wrong and just not right. Everyone has their own things to deal with. I do not want to burden someone with all my bullshit. I hate asking for help. I never have. I do not want to be here anymore. I stared at the wall for over an hour and I keep zoning out. I do not feel much just numb. I just want to lay in the rain and stare at the sky. Feels so wrong asking people for help,Depression +24678,Can i pay someone to kill me? Is it suicide? Is it suicide?,Suicidal +24679,"Hi everyone. I have been seeing a guy sort of on and off since last fall. He recently revealed to me that he struggles with depression. Until then, I thought a lot of his behaviors (cancelling plans to play video games, for example) were just him being a dick. Maybe, though, depression is having it is way with him? I want to try and be understanding and supportive without smothering him or making him uncomfortable. What things can a partner or s/o do for you when you are experiencing depression that are actually helpful? How to be supportive?",Depression +24680,"For the past 2 months, I have eaten 200 calories a day and I have not lost any weight at all. My ultimate goal weight is to look like the average 22 year old British woman. The majority of women in their early 20's are slim and eat a lot.I am a UK size 30. The average 22 year old woman in the UK is a size 8 and eats no less than 3000 calories a day. I count calories and I measure my food and for the past 2 months I have eaten less than 200 a day.I have tried everything to lose weight and I no longer want to be alive. I would do anything for a normal early 20's metabolism. I have starved myself for 2 months and I have not lost any weight",Suicidal +24681,"I stopped my meds last year and have been off of them for the longest time since I started them at age 13. I was sick and tired of gaining weight from my never ending hunger that I attributed to the meds and also my inability to really feel anything strongly. I felt like I was becoming an overweight and indifferent robot. Now I am sinking back into the hole of despair trying desperately to utilize the tools I have learned through years of therapy. For the first time in years I am having suicidal thoughts again. This just sucks. I feel like I keep going in circles. I do not want to rely on medication but I cannot seem to really help myself feeling this way on my own. I am isolating myself from my friends because I feel like they do not care. My relationship with my boyfriend is in a really rough spot. I feel disconnected from everyone. Everyone annoys me and everyone makes me sad.This is only a vent I guess. I am going back to my psychiatrist next week. And I will probably go back on meds despite not wanting to. This is just so incredibly frustrating. I feel like I am wasting away the years of my life fighting with myself. I want to stop feeling like this. If you have read this far, I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your own depression. I thought I was going to be okay going off medication :/",Depression +24682,I have terrible interpersonal skills. I start out as being cool and liked but sooner rather than later they end up not liking me. I have like 2 friends. I always try to act like and be someone I am not be ause that is who I WANT to be... But I am just not. So I always put myself in position to fail. Been fired from alot of good jobs because of this. My ex wife divorced me 7 years ago and I have never gotten over losing her and not seeing my kids everyday. I really wish I would just have an aneurysm and fall over dead or some other quick unexpected way. Noone likes me and I am a failure,Suicidal +24683,"I feel like I do not have any energy left. I am not able to sleep properly and feel burned and tired all the time.Every day is a dread. I am like nobody in people's life. In these 27 years could not make proper friends or tbh relate to anyone. I work as an academic content writer but when I do the job it is like I am just a robot. No feelings no emotions nothing. When my boss scolds me I say nothing and feel guilty about myself. The work almost drains me.Sometimes I crave human contact but there is no one for me.I do not go outside as I see people having good time with their so is whereas I am a fucking loner who most would not notice. Even if someone tries to talk with me I do not know what to say.I self medicate the loneliness by using **rn and touching myself as I am touch starved and then feel like a piece o shit. Even antidepressants do not work as they can fix somone who is depressed,not a fucked up individual like me.I have no shame in calling myself a degenerate. Sometimes I feel maybe God is doing a favor to me so that I do not bring others down. Thank you . I am just tired",Depression +24684,"The current state of the US's capital system has broken me. I am behind on every bill I have thrust at me. Rent, electricity, car insurance, and general cost of living has fallen behind because of an untimely layoff that completely wrecked every last reserve I have. The stress I am under is too much for me to bear, and there is no help for me. I am poor, unskilled, and a liability that negates all chance of loans. My children are going to suffer because of this and I cannot face the thought of them being thrust into homelessness/foster care. I do not have anyone to help me. My own parents could not help, as they are barely scraping by on 800 a month in disability and food stamps.I need the pain to go away. I have nothing to offer the world except a cold, lifeless body.I am sorry, boys. Daddy tried. I cannot do this anymore.",Suicidal +24685,"I have been provoked everywhere every time in life, specialy in the school system.&#x200B;What to do? Like on a mental/spiritual/ mind body level. I mean imagine being al alone in this psychological attack... hard right?&#x200B;i found some things worked, stil it is like i need to develop. How to deal with provocations?",Suicidal +24686,"Pretty much it, plain simple. Just let me die already and put me to rest. I am just so tired of everything. Sometimes I wish I could just die easily without explaining anything",Suicidal +24687,"that is fucking pathetic. Today earlier I received a message from an entitled activist. She told me that she would help me with my problems and stuff, but nothing could be more useless than that. She just gave a shallow discourse, underrating my problems and the worst part: she just romanticized poverty. Like wtf. As I got blocked, I have some things I wish her to know. First, beautiful words solve nothing. Problems need solutions, not beautiful words. If the problems are financial like mine, they require money. If problems are regarding health, they require medicines. If you cannot help, that is ok. But please just do not make things worse. We already have our demons to battle. do not be another demon in ppls lives. Your beautiful words solve nothing. Your cheap and shallow activism solves nothing.",Suicidal +24688,"This community gives good advice, I am 15 and have been depressed for years not told a single person out of a combination of fear and humiliation,my parents are extremely insensitive to metal disorders,4 years ago one of my siblings got diagnosed with it and she got everything taken out of her room except the bed she lost her phone for weeks all for being honest at a doctors appointment.I do not want to reach out to an adult because my family would find out ,technology is one of the few things that keep me sane and that would all be taken, I have considered talking to a friend about it so I am not alone but I do not know how he feels about metal problems and I am worried he would tell somebody and only make it more difficult Suggestions?",Depression +24689,"there is so many assignments that i have not done, and i have a test in a few days. i just want to sleep forever. I am so behind on math.",Suicidal +24690,"My boyfriend hung himself Saturday. My heart is broken. He did have his moments of depression but we always talked and things seemed to be okay. I think the biggest factor was his past with addiction. He used to be on harder drugs prior to our relationship (cocaine, crack, herion, etc) he was a heavy abuser. But when we met he said I changed his life. But I know addiction is an ongoing battle. He began to take zazas/tianas (tianeptine) every day, multiple bottles. It got to the point where he was sick everyday. I tried taking him to a rehab to get detoxed but he would not stay. I did anything and everything to help him. I still feel to blame. I loved him so much. I still do. My heart aches for him. I know he was my soulmate, the love of my life. He even called me that. What do I do now? Life without him seems impossible and unbearable. I do not want to go on without him. My heart is gone.",Suicidal +24691,"The chronic neuropathic pain is just the cherry on top. \*chef's kiss\* I am choosing life and it is fucking hard man. I am tired of feeling pain, and confusion, I am tired of my mental turmoil, ""do I go where I want?, can I go where I want?. What if I regret it, What if it makes my pain worse? Fuck it I am going. Uh never mind I cannot handle the stress, I am barely holding on as it is."" I have taken some incredible leaps recently, I am not isolating myself, I am talking to people. I am seeing friends and family and therapists and psychiatrists and physicians. I am finally doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am trying to heal myself, I am trying as hard as I can try and I am doing it because I have this supposedly reasonable expectation that some how this absurd reality I am experiencing could get better if I just keep trudging through these trenches. Fuck the pain! Why does it got to hurt soo damn much? Why cannot I just ignore it? I am taking all these pills and supplements and I just feel like a scared little boy. I drink coffee and get sleepy now, up is down, down is up. At least I am no longer constantly thinking about killing myself, at least I am not constantly wishing I were never born, At least I am not hopeless but I have this serious mental health impediment and pain problem and I should be a fucking machine. I am going to go drive and listen to music and I hope I make to my destination alright, but I sort of think I might be better off if I die in a freak accident. I am about to get really fucking high/ vape some good weed when I get there and hopefully have some interesting conversations with friends but I am just so tired today, that physical therapy this morning kicked my ass. I am broken but I am still trying",Depression +24692,"Almost a month ago I bought a lil fishy and I spend all my savings on him because I needed a rutine and a support animal and he make me really happy but we started really bad... The tank was bad, the water was bad, everything was wrong and I tought I finally fixed everything and I was really happy watching him doing his stuff and just today I realised he is dying, he is ill and no one is helping me so I am just going down and down and I just want to cry and spend my money on shit I do not need for a little bit of serotonin but I cannot an I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.I am useless, I am killing my emotional suport pet because I am a dumb bich and now I will just cry until a miracle happens or he just passes away...Idk I needed to talk about it, depression is a fucker and even when I am trying my best I fuck up and get even worse... I just cannot deal with my shit anymore",Depression +24693,Most depressed people do not eat and lose weight. I wish I was like that. Since I was a kid I looked to food for comfort. I have been chubby my whole life because of it and that severely affects my self esteem. After having a severe depressive episode 2 years ago I binged every night to cope and gained 50 pounds. I went from chubby to outright fat. I hate this so much Overeating,Depression +24694,"Kind of an update of that one post when I was feeling like quitting college sooner this year.[ I kind of got through my final year and took my final exams, only for me to fail. I thought that I would feel better with that whole college thing behind me but nos it just feels worse because I feel like I wasted 4 years and thousands in student loans for nothing. I do not feel motivated by anything anymore, and nothing really improved. I lost all my passion and all I do is letting myself rot in my bed all day. My family mostly thinks about how much they wasted by helping me paying off my college fees instead caring for my personal career opportunities and I just feel like everyone is letting me down since I am one of the few who failed. I have no more will to do anything nor to see anyone, and I even keep avoiding my roomate so I do not have any kind of human interaction because I am just a big ball of angst and do not want to project it on anyone (also because people are just a pain in the ass tbh).Now the ""best summer of my life"" is beginning by me feeling guilt and angst because of college and all my plans getting aborted because of sudden financial issues and me leaving the only small trip that made me feel a bit less stressed out because of health issues (and more fees yay).I do not really know how to feel motivated to do anything again and I just cannot get over that angst and disappointment feeling. Failed at college and is now feeling even worse",Depression +24695,"Because i really do just want to end my life. My reasons are not that nobody cares about me.. my reasons are i am ugly, stupid and i have so much trauma that i wake up with anxiety and flashbacks. Doctors can not prescribe anxiety medication, because last time i overdosed and ended up collapsing, which caused my mom to call an ambulance. I was saved but i wish i would have died. I do not see what is the point of me living here, when my life is just going to be shit due to my low intelligence, mental issues and bad looks. Right now i have been working as a prostitute and stripper and that is basically all i can do to make good money. I am not smart enough to do anything else. Also any man i have ever dated... just saw me as a bimbo and who they can fck but never take seriously since i am stupid. I wish my family would not care about me so i could kill myself without feeling guilty",Suicidal +24696,"My depression seems to be treatment resistant. No matter what I do, it goes away for a bit then always comes back. As a kid I saw a psychiatrist who gave me CB therapy. As an adult I have seen another psychiatrist who is prescribed me 3 different antidepressants, none of them worked for long. I am not taking any meds now. I see two social workers/therapists weekly but lately I do not want to anymore since it does not seem to help me all that much. The only thing that helps sometimes is weed but that is not reliable either. Since depression has haunted me my whole life so far, I feel like it will continue to do so till the day I die. I have this horrifying premonition that Ill have another horrible episode and kill myself around my 40s since I already attempted it twice already. Sorry to get all morbid :( Treatment resistant depression",Depression +24697,The justice system has got it wrong and ruined someone is full lifeHow can I be there to support this person?? How can you stop someone from killing them selves when they are wrongfully imprisoned???? Lost humanity,Suicidal +24698,I just feel useless. I feel like my life is not going to get better. I gained 20 kilos and I cannot accomplish anything. My boyfriend left me because he was tired of my OCD. I see pictures of him happy with his new girlfriend and I feel like shit. My family cannot stand me. My mother has not called in two weeks and I do not find the energy to call her. I cannot leave this feeling behind,Depression +24699,"Ever since my father passed when I was 12 I have been depressed. I am 24 now and sometimes do not even think I am depressed until a random photograph catches my eye or an old song comes on. The weirdest things can throw me into a spiral where all I can think about for days is death, but then Ill be completely okay again for long periods of time. I also have unrelated personal issues I am working through, and when I get depressed I do not even necessarily only think about my dad. Ill read random local obituaries and google the names on memorial plaques and just kind of go into this weird way of thinking where my thoughts are more emotion than words. Tonight is one of those nights. I was at a lovely park with my mom and little brothers today and saw a memorial bench, as usual I googled the names and discovered the story of a 26 year old man who died of cancer, but not before the grief of that tragedy causes his 23 year old sister to take her own life weeks before he passed. Is it normal to feel okay for weeks or even months at a time?",Depression +24700,"I know it is impossible for me to go back to the past, but I wish I had made better decisions. Some decisions are irreversible, and because of those decisions I am in so much pain. The past me would never be able to recognize the person I am today. I had many ambitions, but now I feel hopeless because everything is fucked up in my life. My self-confidence is at its lowest. My grades are bad, my degree is useless and on top of that I do not have real friends. I cannot believe how fucked up my life has become in four years. I was doing so well for myself just four years ago, but now I am at the worst position possible in my life. Sometimes I really feel that I could vanish and become completely nonexistent. I just wish to die soon and that might be selfish of me, but I do not think I can live with this pain for the rest of my life. It is too much to ignore or even forgive myself for. I wish I could change my past mistakes",Suicidal +24701,"every day i pass the same road towards my house, and picture the thought of me hanging down the branches with a noose. i wonder how my friends will react seeing my dead body while getting out of school. i know its wrong, but the thought of dying seems so nice. i just want to get over with it, commit suicide, but i cannot risk hurting the people i love. today at school people where making fun of me for being a homo and all i did was go into the bathroom and cut myself, i could not even stand up to them. i used to be so strong and proud, now I am nothing but a loser, i deserve to die. The tree down the road",Suicidal +24702,"9 months ago, I very suddenly got depressive symptoms. Id been struggling with anxiety before that and was in therapy for that reason. Depression hit me like a brick in the face and I started to share thoughts of suicide to my friends and therapist. I was involuntarily hospitalized after I cut myself in public. From there it stayed bad.While I could avoid the psych ward within the last 9 months except for that one time, I have scars all over my body, especially my leg, from cutting myself. They are itchy, horrible and so fucking ugly.I do not think I have spent a week without an episode in the last 9 months, no week without thoughts about killing myself. I have friends, a therapist, Ill be put on medication. there is a boy and if I can trust him, he likes me just as much as I like him and we may have a future. Things are objectively getting better compared to when all of this started, I was lonely and being emotionally abused by a friend. But I have lost trust in all of this. In my head, I cannot get better. I cannot believe I am loved even though I kind of know I am, logically.I constantly still think of killing myself and today is one of those days. The thoughts do not stop even though life is getting better",Suicidal +24703,"Every day I stray farther from my meds, the worse I feel. Every day I continue not to take my meds, it feels like there is another weight put on me. it is getting bad again. But I cannot convince myself to take the meds. They make me so tired. Sometimes I skip my meds.",Depression +24704,"I am tired of feeling trapped every day. I am tired of feeling angry at everyone around me.I am tired of the constant depression. is not 28 years of being depressed enough?I am tired of constantly telling myself to behave, and not let the anger or the sadness show. I am tired of my life and I just want to die.But I am too chicken to attempt anything, so I drive wrecklessly, smoke, drink etc... But again, I do not do too much because what if it does not kill me and just makes me more miserable than I already am. I am sick of my life",Depression +24705,"it is very hard to write this, but...well...at least I will try. I am 21, overweight, ugly, no job, never had a girlfriend or sex. All my sexual and private life consisted of using porn every day. I was too afraid of rejection so I did not make any step towards a girl even when she will give me hints. Yeah, I am a stupid ask fuck, but now...I do not really care to be honest.I feel so damn lonely for about 4 years, everybody that I know started their road in life, they have girlfriends even wives, good jobs, study at good colleges and they are very happy. When I look at myself, I am just a failure of a man.I had and have a big problem with pornography for about 9 years. Every day I used in these 9 years and that slowly killed my brain and personality. Slowly, especially in the last 16 months, my tastes in porn became so damn ugly that I started to watch trans and even gay porn. I knew this is it, I hit the rock bottom of this shitty life. I considered myself straight all my life and now look at me. Binging on these types of porn. I started to question my sexuality at this point, I thought I am bisexual even though I never been attracted to a guy or had sex with in real life and I never will because porn was enough to make me uncomfortable. My depression and anxiety became so worse that I started to look for advice online on some ,,bisexuals subreddits or forums''. The majority said that I am repressing my ,,true self'' and I need to accept my feelings or fantasies...yeah. And like a stupid idiot I listened to them and tried to accept the fact that I might be a bisexual. I did not like the idea and I did not feel like one, but in that moment of despair I thought this will end my suffering. It ended in a very ,,good'' way.After 5 weeks I attempted suicide by hanging myself because I did not know who I am anymore, but after 30 seconds the rope broke. After that, I stood on the floor for about an hour looking up and thinking how in hell I ended up like this. I had dreams, goals...and everything now is ruined. I cry like a little kid every day, alone, when no one is home. I am sorry for my mother, she sacrificed so much for me and my little brother. I hope, at least, that my brother will become something good in this life.Yeah, I have this questioning in my head for months, it does not stop and cannot stand it anymore. I hate every one of those people online who give advices to emotionally unstable people. But fuck it, why should I care now...I feel like my end is near and this time I know it is not going to broke.What did I do to deserve this? Who did I hurt in this life? Why...just why? When I was 14 I thought that at this age of 21/25 I would have a girlfriend, a job and I will be happy. Now, hah, I do not even know who am I. Why is this happening to me?",Suicidal +24706,i do not know if i can do this anymore first thing i think about when i wake up is suicide,Suicidal +24707,"I hate myself and who I am becoming, the best thing is for me to die. I cannot anymore..",Depression +24708,"I have been alone in my room for over a year now. have not gone out much other than the necessities. I have not seen anyone but my ex-boyfriend, but he broke up with me a bit back. I cannot keep track anymore. I have literally no one in my life now. All I do is sit at my computer. Homework. Reddit. Sleep every now and then.I feel like a ghost. I am numb. Is there anyone out there? Just want to feel like I am real",Depression +24709,I am tired of living like this I wish I can just disappear without a trace...,Suicidal +24710,"My mother forced my brother and I to take care of our grandmother, who is in the early-to-mid stages of dementia. She cries all the time, never knows where she is and has to constantly be reminded that she is not doing anything wrong and that she is fine.I work from home and cannot escape. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, I am borderline panicking over the fact that she might have a fit or an episode. I love my grandmother so much and it hurts to see her like this and not be able to help her.I cannot sleep because I am worried she will wake up in the middle of the night in hysterics. I cannot shower because I am worried she will call out to me and I will not hear it and she will spiral. Fuck, I cannot even go to the bathroom for the same reason. Every waking moment I am subjected to planning my life around her and her illness.I never asked for this. I never once said that I was okay with being her caregiver. Hell, I never once said that I was even okay with being alive. I do not have children for a reason. How can I properly care for someone else if I cannot properly care for myself?All while my mother, grandma's daughter, is off playing house with her new boyfriend, talking about the kitchen she is going to renovate and coming over at most three days a week for an hour at a time.I wish she would actually contribute and take care of her mother instead of burdening my brother and I with this.My father sees me suffer. My brother sees me suffer. My S/O sees me suffer. I see them looking at me, wanting to help but knowing that my mother cannot take criticism and will come up with an excuse to not take anyone's suggestions as to how to help.I do not want to die. I just do not want to feel like this anymore. I am a reluctant caregiver and I just want to relax",Suicidal +24711,"I am so fucking depressed. I have nobody to talk to, I am a traumatized mess, I hate myself, I have no fucking worth, I only get validation through others. I am so fucking needy. Like how am I supposed to do anything like learn a hobby? Whenever I face something I do not understand or cannot do well on I just think ""why do not I just kill myself or give up on this anyway"" I have nobody that cares about me. I have a slight interest in maybe TRYING 2-3 things for fun. There are some subreddits related to all of these interests, and even helpful people within them that want to help people. But imagine this as a scenario: you are an artist trying to teach someone about something, and at some point the student/person does not understand something. There are multiple directions this can go. 1. Student does not ask for further clarification for fear of looking stupid/being a burden etc.2. Student asks for further clarification, but does not understand still, feels guilty about burdening people3. Student has a mental breakdown and runs awayHow can you teach someone like that? I do not even remember what happiness feels like.",Depression +24712,"I am having a really bad depressive episode, in which my anxiety is NOT helping in any way... i have my cat here, who is basically ESA but not official... so, what are some things that YOU do to feel less like this? I am stuck, and looking for some possible new ways to elf soothe again... help please...",Depression +24713,"I hope you are doing okey,Let me share my heart...during the worst time of this pendamic i work as a nurse trainee and unluckily got a pulmonary tb which make me a kind of paralyzed and my family send me home in another state. unfortunately i had to leave my 2 puppy with my family because i had a limited money and could not bring my puppy with me.Even though my neck and back are pain i tried my best to work through my laptop so that i can at least earn some cash and bring my 2 puppy with me but Yesterday my family told that one of my puppy is going out and not returning again,and that news hit me like someone is stabbing me in my chest because she(my puppy) never go out alone and my surrounding people are not good with animals.I cannot go to my old rent to search for her because i cannot even leave my bed and i do not have enough money to launch a searchparty...it really hurts,knowing that i cannot do anything for my puppy when she needs me most and if something happen to her i will not be able to forgive myself for my entire life.I know you may say its just a puppy,For me they are my life because they are with me when my father was gone,they comfort me while my mother was fighting with cancer and they mean a lot to me.I cannot imagine my puppy going out searching for me, hungry and scared.I do not know i can live with this,I am just tired.its quite a long story,sory for that.If you have motivational word,it will help a lot. Helpless when they need you most",Depression +24714,"I have a plan ready, i have the means ready to do it, i have written my note. I am planning to do it a month from now because of various factors.I do not know what i am doing, i have tried therapy, i have tried medication, nothing works. I just feel like ending it all. And i should. I have tried everything, and it went south. So this seems my only possible way. I know, people love me, and things change, and sucide is not the way, and everything, but honestly, i just am too tired to work myself now and i have given up on me. I .. i am planning to sucide.",Suicidal +24715,I was wondering if anyone knew of any online support groups for people who have a depressed spouse? Thanks Depressed spouse,Depression +24716,"Just got fired in my second week because I was too slow and it is because I have cerebral palsy. I have not had a job this year, I feel so sad :( I just got fired from a new job",Depression +24717,"I am a 52 year old man, who is been suffering with clinical depression for going on 15 years now. It has sent a wrecking ball through every expect of my life. Its wrecked my Engineering career, my marriage, my finances, my relationship with all those who love me, my mental and physical health. I tried everything to beat it, but the brain fog and black dog days never subside. I have seen therapists, doctors, dieticians, psychologists etc. I have taken all sorts of medication, with all the side effects.......nothing has helped get back to the man I once was. I fucking hate depression and what it has done to my life.To all those who suffer daily from this shitshow of a disease, you have my upmost sympathy and respect for having the strength to carry on though this never ending nightmare. My depression....after 15 years in hell",Depression +24718,"Been pretty miserable with my life for what feels like the longest time so I am just going to vent some of the thoughts I have been having. My entire life I have felt like nothing but one huge fuck up. When I was younger I could barely sit through my classes and was diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed Concerta when I was like 6. I was so young that I could not even swallow the pills whole, my parents has to open the capsules and mix it in yogurt just so I could take it. I felt so awful that I could not do what everyone else could on my own and I think I started spiraling from there. Got more and more sad, got prescribed more and more drugs and just kept feeling worse and worse. If you can name a stimulant or antidepressant, chances are I have taken it at some point. I cannot shake the feeling that they have all fucked my head up. I cannot even remember my childhood. I do not have any fond memories growing up at all. I feel like I should feel nostalgic for something, anything to remind me of the better times, but I cannot shake the feeling I have always been miserable. All the Adderall and Prozac really messed with my head. I have done a lot of weird embarrassing shit that I have no answers for and I cannot ever get it off my mind with the few friends I do have bringing it up all the time. Every single time someone brings it up, I feel this seering, screaming embarrassment and all I can think of is hanging myself. I am such a loser embarrassing fuck and all I do is ruin myself. The only way I have gotten through any of it is by pretending it does not exist and disassociating with video games. In high school all I did was go to school and play video games. They kind of became my life for years. Collecting them and learning about game history used to be my biggest passion, but I feel like they stopped being fun years ago and I just play them now because that is all I do. I am such a loser disassociated fuck with a fucked up loser adhd brain and I cannot take myself seriously for even a second without wrapping myself in like 5 layers of irony. I can barely tell where I am half the time I can barely sleep at night. People would always tell me that it would get better, that ""oh high school sucks for everyone"" but I am 21 and I feel just as awful as ever. I feel so cursed everywhere I go all I do is fuck everything up. I cannot trust myself to do the most basic of shit without fucking it all up. I feel like a sociopath and I hate it. I do not know what to do with all these thoughts. I have only gotten this far by doing nothing about them, but I feel like if I keep doing that I will end up with a bullet in my skull. Last week I got kind of drunk and put a noose around my neck and injured my throat in the process. I am terrified of myself. Like I want to die, but I do not want to want to die you know? Like of course I would love it if things did not turn out this way, but the way things are now I just want to end it. I feel like I know exactly how to fix all my problems too, but I just feel like I cannot with my retard ass smooth brain. I just keep taunting myself with shit like ""oh if only I was not sped I could actually go to the gym consistently and talk to people and make fulfilling connections and actually improve my life, but I am fucking laying in bed for like 14 hours straight wishing to die."" Its the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life and I cannot stop thinking about it. I could go back to therapy, I have had tons of different therapists over the years, some better than others, but none of them ever really made me feel any better, and the last 2 I saw just tried to sell me shit so I am not exactly in the market for a new one. God I feel like I could fix a lot of my problems if I just did not hate myself so much but it just feels so deeply rooted that I do not think I could ever see myself liking who I am and that just makes it so much worse. I cannot help but think what my life would be like if I had never gotten diagnosed in the first place. Like would I be the fuck I am now if my head never got fucked up in the first place, or would I be even more of a spaz?So tldr I am a miserable borderline psycho who spent over 15 years taking meds that made all his problems worse and I have not felt happy since middle school. I apologize for how rambly this post is, but it is like 10 am and I did not sleep last night because I could not stop thinking of the ways I could kill myself. I am not really looking for any support or anything in the comments I just kind of felt like venting because I have never actually put any of this into words before. Thanks to anyone that actually read this far tho. God I hate myself",Suicidal +24719,Oh Ill just drop this class and lose this scholarship haha ill just kill myself next month to oh Ill just leave clsss its online anyway who cares if I forfeit participation points I am going to kill myself next week anyway Life decisions wavering between,Depression +24720,"This is probably going to sound like a pittyparty but oh well. I think I am going to. Not today, not tomorrow. But soon. My situation feels hopeless. I just started a new job but have no transportation because of problems caused by my drug addicted mother. My unemployment ran out and I have 5 dollars to my name until idek when. I am probably going to get fired if I cannot get the transportation in order to work but I cannot because I literally do not have the resources to get a car or transportation. I feel like a failure as a mother as I cannot even afford basic necessities for my kid. Thank god hes with his dad rn. I keep having this fantasy of doing fun things. Just going out and partying and getting high with strangers and then when my son comes home, just spending a week doing fun things with him. Then killing myself when he goes back to his dads. Have a couple happy weeks before I end it. Not have to stress about a job or money or doing anything except what I would enjoy. Which would effectively ruin my life further, I know this. But it would not matter because Id be dead. And for some reason the thought gives me comfort. I do not really have anyone. I have a boyfriend. Who lives in another country. I know it would hurt him but I truly believe he would move on with time and find someone better. I also have a best friend that does not feel like my best friend anymore. I feel like a burden to her. And to my boyfriend. I used to have my mom before she started doing meth and got into an abusive relationship. I am all alone. Everyone really would be better off without me. Anyways. If you read this, thank you. I think I am going to kill myself.",Suicidal +24721,I have anxiety because of acne. I cannot get rid of acne because of anxiety. I am fat because of stress. I cannot get rid of stress because I am fat.Girls do not want me because I am too self aware and not confident. I cannot be confident because girls do not want me.I have depression because of all that shit. I cannot get rid of depression because of all that shit.I do not need help because only i can help myself. But i feel like i do not even have a chance. Life is a endless circle of misery,Suicidal +24722,"Never felt this doomed in my life, my gf left me 2 months ago, my mother is not really what you could call a functional person and since my rent expired I am living at her house for a few months. Friends basically disappeared. I am going to therapy but it does not really help me that much. I feel like I am going crazy and this ""truman show"" kind of place where I am living is killing me. If only I could kill myself for real Now what?",Depression +24723,"and it is getting more and more common to be in my sleep too..I am just fucking sadso incredibly sadand it hits as soon as i wake up, usually before i even open my eyesand it stays no matter what i do or what happens I am just fucking miserable constantly there is never a breakand pretending to be ok anytime there is a person present is fucking exhausting tooi just realized while writing this that nobody knows memy whole self as other people see/know me is a lieanytime i try to let somebody know me they end up leaving or they start making it worse, in which case i end up closing them off. but that is rare. usually they just leave..i do not even know where this post is going anymore.i want to be better i want to get bettersometimes i get this random really strong urge to start doing better but it is so tiring and i always get completely burnt out within two weeks but usually lesslast time this happened was actually the closest it is ever been to actually workingit was going well and i was still determined and i just needed a little extra support from my best friend we had been best friends for at least 4 years and they knew me better than anyone else so i was feeling good about this but i guess i opened up a little bit too much and they ended up leaving toothat combined with my absolutely terrible communication skillsthat was the only person that is ever stayed that longthey gave me hopethey helped my be happierthey were damn near everything you could ask for in a true best friend and i fucked it all upjust like every other good thing that happens to me it starts as soon as i wake up",Depression +24724,"For the past two or three years, I have been very alone, I work a full time job, I go home watch movies, or play video games, go to sleep and repeat. On fridays I usually get to see my friends, but recently it seems like noone wants to hear from me or hangout with me. I have noone that I text all day like all my friends have, I spend so much time alone, I do not let anyone know how I am feeling or what is going on in my head because I do not want to bother them. I have not been able to cry for atleast two years, I could always get to the point of where the tears are about to come and they just stop. Yesterday, that changed, I got home, cried, just sat there unmoving until it was time to sleep, I got in bed and cried for 20 minutes until I fell asleep. At work today I keep crying, of course hiding it. My body seems to be just upset with me or something. I am insanely tired all the time, lonely, I feel sick. I just wish someone wanted to talk to me.I am tired of feeling like this. I cried myself to sleep last night",Depression +24725,"I have my exams going onn. One over 4 left for the next 4 days. I have not studied anything ... Even though i could have. I feel like the fact that iv wasted a lot of time is eating me up. Right now, i can Surely say that my heart rate is faster than normal, my breathing is heavy, this is how it is been for the whole week. People around me have hopes on me.. i cannot speak this to them. they are beautiful.. i do not want to hurt their good wishes they have had on me. Guys i know this is not as Serious or not even close to what people go through here... But.. excuse me for this one time. Idc even its deleted... Just that i wanted to put this somewhere... Somewhere ! Its not depression but this is what i fell right now !",Depression +24726,"I decided to take a break recently from my family.My family situation has been shit. My sister is a single parent, using the title as a shield to defend her shitty ability and her son's behavior is deplorable.My mom enables her, and everything they do deprives the child of emotional growth. My brother and his wife have stopped interacting with her, and by extension my parents also.I lost it on my mom the other day when she chose to just make my brother and I's old toys ""disappear"" when he was not around instead of talking to my nephew about it. My sister is downsizing the amount of garbage she left in my parents house, and she is using the same tactics. Just throw them in bags while he is not around.I am fucking disgusted with their actions. I have been staying at my friend's mom's house that is empty at the moment but it just fucking sucks.No job. No school. No family. My only opportunity's are abroad and those countries are still closed due to covid.I am supposed to hang out with my brother this weekend at his birthday dinner and the following day a BBQ but I just do not want to be there, in my mother's presence.I am so fucking angry at that woman for doing what she did to me growing up and I do not want anything to do with her anymore. I feel like she wanted to cripple me so I could never leave. Fuck That. Fuck Her. I do not know if this is the right sub but fuck am I lonely right now and angry and depressed. ""do not do anything stupid""",Depression +24727,"I have recently been going through a very rough patch after months of being okay. I know I am slipping back to where I was a year ago. The only difference is that I have friends now. I told them about my depression and how I am going through another rough patch now, which was why I took a one day break from school. One of them told a group of people about the fact that I am absent because I am mentally unwell. The other 2 told another person about it when they asked. I do not even know if I should be angry that they told these people without my permission, or just very disappointed in myself that I did not see this coming and showed signs of weakness. I just wished they respected that what I told them is private information that should not be shared. That should be a default thing understood by everyone when someone opens up about mental health privately to you. I wish people respected boundaries",Depression +24728,"I wrote a suicide note 27 days ago and it is just kind of been something that I have been thinking about doing for a while now. I am just really done with everything, and this constant feeling of loneliness that I have. July 9th seemed like a good day. Today is my ex's birthday, and I did not want to make her sad or like traumatized by doing it today, and I have been managing to put on a fake face just to keep her and the one or two other people in my life satisfied and thinking I am getting better. I do not really know how I want to do it, just know that I want to. In high school, my friend did it by jumping off the top level of a parking garage. I was thinking the same thing, but I am also scared. I think deep down, I want to live, but it is just kind of overshadowed by all the pain I feel in my life. Maybe a helium bag or shotgun would be a better idea, lol. Both are easily accessible, ironically enough.To give context, no, I am not dumb enough to kill myself over a breakup. Just, that was a tipping point that really set in just how shitty my life is. I think I might go through with this",Suicidal +24729,"I do not want to kill myself, but existing has become so difficult. The main thought that echos through my head all day is how nice it would be to just stop everything. I am so very tired. I am coming up in the one year anniversary of my husbands death. It seems like a tangible reminder of how much my life has changed for the worst. I hate it here. Just want to stop existing.",Suicidal +24730,I am sick of being afraid of reality. I am sick of going inward during a period of stress or discomfort. How do you actively keep yourself from living inside your head?,Depression +24731,"Hey you all,I have depression and social anxiety since I was 16 and just recently came to the decision to try antidepressants, because suicidal thought accured way more often than usual. So I am now on mirtazapine and escitaloptam since about two weeks ago.I played escitalopram once and used like three times the dosage, because I was curious how it would affect me and damn, I thought I would die to serotonin syndrom Anxiety is way better now but depression is definetly worse and I feel a little bit like just watching everything as if I would do stuff automatically. But nothing I have not already read online. I try to cope that by playing guitar or by doing selfcare days, but it is quit exhausting tho.Does anybody who is experienced with antidepressants have some advices or could tell me what to expect from the whole process?Thankfull for every helpfull comment or interesting thought whatsoever :) I am new to antidepressants",Depression +24732,"i have been depressed for most of my life, and my parents thought they finally got rid of it. i have been on antidepressants for like 2 years and it seemed to help. but now i have been letting the metaphorical shit hit my fan so everything has gone back to square one. I am afraid that if my mom finds out, she will feel bad for me and will be really upset and i do not want that to happen. i cannot even cry or express my feelings cuz the last time i get really upset i said id burn the house down and now my dad thinks I am a pyromaniac so fuck my life. :/but lol actually the real reason (i do not care about anyone but myself) is because she may put me in the mental hospital that they put me in last time i was suicidal.but that place is no ""hospital""they make you explain what heinous act you committed to get here every 10 minutes, and not only is it triggering to hear that other people in the room hurt themselves, but that it forces me to strategize my responce to their questions, like instead of ""i threatened to smack my head against the wall and to kill myself"" i slowly change my respawnse to ""i am just really sad all the time""i hate that when my dad yells, i just have to force myself to not cry and feel all this pain in my chest instead. i hate the fact that i have to hide my depression from my parents",Depression +24733,"I am going on a end of life journey tomorrow. I am texting every relative in my family this""As most of you may or may not know, I have asperger's and ADD, along with a lot of anxiety and depression. I have tried to live alone, and I have found working a fulltime job in a place I am unfamiliar with to be unbearable. For one, it is incredibly lonely being by myself even if I see family on the weekends to go to bed alone each night. Second, I am so depressed and have so many panic attacks about my predicament that it is getting hard to work a 40-hour-a-week job. Third, the pressure of being responsible for everything in my world with no help is overbearing. So I have decided to reach out to my phone contacts to see if anyone would let me live with them and get a part-time job in the area, and pay what I can for rent. I will wait 72 hours after sending this text to everyone while staying in an undisclosed location. If I do not get any offers, I will open a tank of \[redacted\] inside my car with me in it. If I get found and sent to the hospital, nothing will change - I will simply wait until insurance stops paying for me to be there, buy another tank of nitrogen, and do the same thing I set out to do. I cannot bear to go on. I already have 2 therapists and a psychiatrist - a hospital would be effectively less than that except I would not be able to do anything bad until I got out. I assume I will just either get ignored by everyone, a bunch of people being angry at me, or a bunch of people telling me to stop and trying to tell me how good my life is. All I can say is that unless you have lived with mental illness for a long time it is hard to understand what it is like to suffer mentally every day and live a normal life and I have (obviously) hit my limit. I do not want to see myself lose my job and my condo. I would rather go before all of that happens"" [Trigger warning] Cannot handle life anymore",Suicidal +24734,"i feel like suicide is the one and only option to escape, but i always too scared to, even when I have tried to at least more than 10 times. i just want out. i would rather die multiple times than live once why do i keep trying, i know I am not loved.",Suicidal +24735,I made a doctor's appointment for antidepressants and was wondering what if will feel like and a little nervous to talk to him about my depression Antidepressants,Depression +24736,"well hello. i go by an alias yuta and, TLDR for all my impatient friends, i would love to end it, just like that, now, once and for all, but i am too big of a pussy to decide on a method.if anyone is up for the read, welcome. I have had a pretty good life. went to a nice school in the city center, got decent grades and, even though i did not really get along with many people, i had some close friends from class. i have always been alarmingly introverted, so the few friends i had felt like plenty. then, my best friend left right before high school to study in another place, which gave her a higher chance of getting into the university that sponsored that school. parents did not let me go there as well, they wanted me to, like the whole family, study physics and math. I am incredibly stupid at both fields. two friends in class that i had left were much closer to each other and eventually excluded me from their group. i was very much looking forward to university, since school now had 0 significance to me. i passed state exams and, even though my father was hating me for what i did, i sent my documents to a movie school. got accepted. soon, he was over it. first few months of studying in 2020 felt great, i was kind of really getting into it, I have been passionate about movies since i was a child after all. then, all of a sudden, after having some nasty symptoms, i get diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, basically a few days after my 18th birthday. my parents somehow think that it will somehow cure itself, but nonetheless, i get meds prescribed by a doctor and start therapy. since then i have a strict disgusting diet, to the most of which i am allergic. 2021 comes, the symptoms start yet again but, pardon my french, i do not have anything worse other than shitting blood. my parents go absolutely crazy, cuss the precious doctor and send me to another one, she prescribed the higher dosage of the same meds, as well as the same diet. blood-shitting eventually disappears once again.i have not been out with any of my friends since my 18th birthday, i practically never go on dates with my boyfriend, because i have the pill regimen to stick to. i fail two of my projects that have to be redone in september. sincerely hoping that i will not be alive by then. after i started the new docs therapy a new weird thing appeared: all of a sudden i get absolutely disgusting gut spasms at night, wake up in pain just to black out because of how bad it is. have to try falling back asleep while weeping in pain and hugging a bottle of hot water to ease the spasms. i cannot take any strong pain meds, because they might make the illness worse. so after the spasms my whole body is sore, for an entire day, sometimes two, i can barely stand or walk anywhere. today the same thing happened all over again, even though nothing could have provoked it. had spasms, woke up, blacked out, got the bottle of hot water, tried falling asleep. woke up yet again, sore all over, sides in excruciating pain even from simply breathing. was dizzy all morning, had some tea and smooth porridge for breakfast, threw everything up by 3pm, probably even the essential pills. i do not know when this is going to end. it did not get better at all. i do not think it ever will. there is no cure for it. there is no cure for me. nobody can help me. why do i have to go through all this? like, why do i even have to try if i am probably going to die from colon cancer at some point anyways? why do i have to prolong this shit and suffer through it? nothing even brings me joy anymore. i went to a psychiatrist, told him that i do not care about anything anymore, he prescribed me light pills, for anxiety. and you know what? i cannot even have them. i cannot fucking have them because of this stupid disease. i just want it to stop. only my family would care if i died anyways. i hold absolutely no significance, all i do is fucking cry over it because I am either hurting or not knowing how to end things. that is all I have been doing today too, crying, begging something to end me and throwing up. i hate it. i hate it so much. but at the same time i cannot end anything. hanging seems to be too painful and gross, i am too big of a pussy to cut or stab myself, same goes for jumping off of a roof, all overdoseable pills are sold only with prescriptions, and in terms of guns - i do not have any. i also heard that drowning hurts a lot. why is there no painless ways of going? please, i just want it to stop. i want everything to stop. i do not know what to do, i do not know.props to anyone for reading through all this word vomit, and good luck. with anything. i could not even say all that to my psychiatrist",Suicidal +24737,"I have posted here a couple years ago on another account which is now deleted, posted some poems and other stuff and thought you might like, anyway. 2 years ago I made an attempt, which gone wrong and I ended in the psych ward of my local hospital. Quickly enough I realized what actually was at stake when I was showed all this love and affection, attention and care, which kind of ""cured"" me for a while. did not thought about it for 2 years.Meanwhile I had a good life, found what I want to do in life, found a romantic partner who is loyal and loving, as a clueless romantic, this is far more than what I have expected a couple years ago lol. My parents moved back together, I even helped them! I found new friends to enjoy what I like with and everything, pretty much literally, is hundreds of times better than it was, my life improved in every aspect.Until recently.I recently started having what I would call minor anger issues, throwing what can only be qualified as tantrums, at my age I am pretty ashamed of myself as this is not me, and I feel like it is not me when I do this.I also started having alimentation problems again, barely eating anymore as I do not have the appetite to, I drink a lot however, more than I ever did. I am tired of my work, I am tired of my family yet I love them and they have not done anything wrong.Recently I caught myself contemplating suicide once more, the same way it began many years ago. I try not to by distracting myself by playing online video games, getting on a call with someone or just not being all by myself, as this always was one of my main triggers in the past. I feel like I do not have to be here, and that my purpose itself is not as meaningful as I thought it was. I need help once again. I restarted contemplating suicide lately, 2 years after my last visit to the psych ward",Depression +24738,Should I listen to him and believe that is actually what he really wants me to do? Should I be more understanding? How long should I be patience for him and to say that its enough already? How should one deal with a depressed partner who always push you away and want you to leave?,Depression +24739,"I wish that we all were equipped with a Self Destruct Button that we could push when we wanted to be done. They it would lead to a quick and painless death. I love animals and I am a bit jealous of them because when they are in pain, they get peacefully put up sleep. No option for humans without public outrage Self Destruct Button",Suicidal +24740,"The isolation, the constant need of validation, comfort etc. I cannot just get these things, my depression mixed in with anxiety and paranoia and obsessive thoughts. People do not get it, living with HPD makes it such a pain, I cannot handle living with all this. Who am I supposed to reach out to? My parents do not think I am good enough, and the rest judge and stare me. Call me crazy but its how I genuinely feel and Id even pay someone to just give me a chance and let me hang out with for a weekend. I feel like I am going to go crazy ; (",Suicidal +24741,It makes me feel damaged as a person knowing I tried 6 years of dating but barely got past 2nd dates at 30. I would choose to be in a relationship but seems like that may not happen. it is a different feeling knowing that you did not have much of a choice in staying single compared to those that chose that lifestyle or have plenty of options,Depression +24742,"Here I am. it is Summer. No school, no work, nothing. I am completely free. Free to live my shitty useless life. All I do is eat, sleep and make digital art. it is not like I earn from my art so I do not know what the hell I am doing with my life. Everything I do is useless. My friends have their partners, a job and those who do not have a job yet are in college. And I? What do I have? I have nothing. No one. I will die alone. I will never get a job or go to live on my own because my parents are scared to leave me. Why? Because I am mentally ill. I got what I wanted. I got a therapist, a psych, a diagnosis... Depression is ruining my fucking life and I hate it so much. Sometimes I wonder if I will die and rot alone because nobody cares. My parents will die eventually and my friends? it is not like they give any fucks about me anyway. No one's been THAT kind to me ever. But I do not blame them. They have their own lives and I am not part of their life. I am not their first priority. I will never be someone is first priority because I do not seek what ""normal"" people want. I do not understand why having a partner is a requirement. I do not want love I just want friends. But everyone is a two-faced piece of shit. Sorry...I really needed to get this out of my chest. I am on medication and I still want to kms. I hate being like this, feeling like this. I am useless. I will never achieve anything in my life.",Depression +24743,"If I go put with people I cannot enjoy it because I feel like shit. If I do something, occupy myself with anything, my mind drifts off to to my shitty life. I cannot sleep, I just pace around my room all day and do nothing.I stg I do not want to live anymore. I do not want to think anymore",Suicidal +24744,"I have been fighting this for years, and honestly I feel like lately I have been winning. I have been proud of myself. But today its getting the better of me and I am just going to hide under my blankets. I am so fucking bummed and everything hurts. I am so depressed, and its hitting me hard this morning.",Depression +24745,"I feel not good and i have not felt this bad in a long time. if I am honest i do not think I have felt this awful ever. I have been going to therapy for the last 2 years and almost and about a year ago i had a massive month long breakthrough where i just had so much love for life and it was fucking amazing. But ever since then i feel like i have this need found awareness for my feelings and thought patterns that I have never had before. I realised recently that its made it almost impossible for me to be able to connect to my past self? which a lot of people comment on saying like the person i met a year ago is so different to the person i see today etc.But the truth is I long for that blissful obliviousness. I want to be unaware so bad, and do not get me wrong i was still extremely unhappy back then but i was not so fucking connected to it like i am now. Right now I am somewhat convinced that I am going to wake up in a differnt reality. i think its because i cannot wrap my head around how much fucking pain i am in atm. I have no friends or family i can talk to and even my boyfriend just cannot quite seem to grasp how completely fucked i feel. I do not feel real at all and I do not understand why I stick around for the people that love me, cannot they see how much pain i am in. I am so upset with reality, billionaires, murder, global warming, all the fucking animals being killed and their homes taken away just so we can make fucking plastic toys and new clothes. child labor, assault etc like how am i supposed to fucking deal with this shit. I also recently had to drop out of art school because my mental health is so bad. i got so stressed out id self harm (something I have never done before)and i did not sleep for days and stopped taking my meds it was pretty brutal. I felt really sad about it for a while because i thought i had found a place where i belong, but looking at it now i did not fit in there. i could not afford to keep up with buying new things every week for projects, and now i guess i realise its all a load of made up bullshit that cost me $24,000. I love art and i know i will continue to make art and i do not need some prestigious bachelor 2 make it ://I know i just need something in my life to change. i just feel so alone in the way that i am feeling. i long for connection to not only people but to the earth and to myself. anyway I am not sure how these posts work but i have a dr app tomorrow which will hopefully get the ball rolling again. thank you for reading if you have trying to wake up",Suicidal +24746, Sucidal thoughts are just temporary thoughts I just want to convey small message in video form..I hope it will be useful ,Suicidal +24747,I really do not know how normal people do it anymore. It feels so shit. Going a few days feeling fine and feeling happy and being able to sleep and not having shitty thoughts. But it all comes back always. The realisation of how mentally unhealthy I am really sucks. I cannot wait to just get over this. So crazy how I manage to continually convince myself I am not depressed,Depression +24748,"I have been single for almost 6 months now. I lost everything. I lost the person I thought was the love of my life. She hurt me and left me in the dust. I have absolutely no idea how to cope with being alone. I have done everything to improve myself and to help myself move on but it is impossible. I already had severe depression before the break up but now it is so bad to the point I have isolated myself from the world. I am so lonely it has made me sick. I long for someone is arms around me and long to just hold someone at night. I long for love and affection but cannot have it. Everyone I ever love leaves and hurts me. I have had nothing but time to move on and I have not. Moving on is not possible for me. I loved my ex too much. I am pretty sure she is already with someone else as well. I cannot forget her even though I try so hard. She broke me to pieces. Everyday I wish that I do not wake up. I am not happy, I am depressed and hurt and just want to rest. I want a break. A permanent one. One where I do not think or feel anymore. I just want silence. I want peace. I wish I was never born. This is not a happy life. it is emotional torture to be alive. I hate being alone.",Depression +24749,"I cannot find any motivation to finish my schoolwork. I have \~130 assignments to finish before September 18th (roughly five of which are book reports on novels), and am having the same issue I have had for years. cannot be bothered to do it. I have absolutely zero delayed gratification.The impending doom of this deadline is absolutely killing me. they have switched my Anti-depressants three times. None has worked. I have tried everything I have been recommended for motivation. I cannot even have a conversation with my Mom without ""how is school coming along?"". The other day, she said ""What, is me going to jail over you not finishing schoolwork not motivation enough?"". I do not believe she understands my inability to feel motivated. What pains me the most is the fact that I know it is all my fault. I would not be in this position if just a year ago I decided to do half an assignment a day. This is the fourth school year in a row I have found my self in this position. The same feeling. The same isolating myself in my room whilst trying to run from all my mistakes. I am just straight up not having a good time, man. Lack of Motivation is seriously bad at the moment.",Depression +24750,"I am on summer break right now and this is probably the loneliest/lowest I have ever felt. My friends are not exactly the most sociable so I have spent most of the summer alone, and I am so tired of being alone. I start university in two months and I am trying to hold on until then with the hope of meeting new people but I do not know how much longer I can hold on. I just want everything to stop so I can stop hurting like this. I just want it all to stop",Suicidal +24751,"Yeah. Family. My parent treat me so bad. I do not know how long I can handle it. Maybe one day ill just jump out of the window or kill myself with the scout knife. My mom always tells me, you are just a piece of shit,i hope someone would like to adopt you. My small sister can do whatever she want. Punch me,tell me that I am disgusting. My parent will not stop her. They always say, ""oh she is just a little kid. let her have fun"". Yeah, and I am getting enough of that. My dad is not nice either. Opens my door while I am changing clothes just to see what I am doing. Get in my room at 12 pm also just to see what I am doing. I basiclly have no privacy. My parents are them who alway pushes me to my limited between being alive and kill youself. I am just tierd and my mental health just get worse and worse. They ""cared"" about me when my teacher called them that I self harm and after that they just forgot it. They do not care about me. They care about my grades. I am a decent student,trying my best but do not get alot of A's. and they are very unhappy about that. Fuck life. My family is killing me",Suicidal +24752,"I am confused. I have had too many bad days already this month. but today was better, i got to talk to her more, she made me happy and sent me pictures of herself, and i smiled a lot, and i think i made her smile a lot too. but then i realised I am just a friend, the reality of us being together in the near future is pretty impossible, and the chances of us being together later is not too far from impossible. it just pains me, i do not know what to do, i would never ever like anyone other than her, but i feel useless because she feels bad that I am longing for her and its not mutual feelings. i cannot stop myself, I am way too attached. i do not ever want anyone but her, i will never be as happy with someone else as i will with her. i do not find anyone that is as close as her when it comes to attractiveness, and her personality is on a godly level. she truly is something different. anyways thanks for reading this rant, have a good night or day, stay safe. confused by flukes",Depression +24753,MeOr do not IDK I did not sign up for life; -;do not worry Watch,Suicidal +24754,"I lost 90% of both mine and my parent's life savings that took us 10+ years to save up in the span of a year shorting the stock market last year. It started with a 5k loss that I could not let go of and now has ballooned to more than 90k+ the equivalent of more than 2 years of my salary. Had I invested in index funds I would have made 90k+ instead of the loss. The amount of money we lost and lost out on is staggering. While the vast majority of people made a killing last year not only did i not get any gains I lost so much in the greatest bull market in history. I just saw a report saying that the average wealth of Canadian households has ballooned to over 1 million whereas our family is left with almost nothing. it hurts so much more knowing I lost so much while everyone else got so rich. I know i was stupid in continuing to short but how does the s&p500 go up more than 80% during a worldwide pandemic is beyond me. So not only are we pretty much all out of savings, the massive inflation we have currently has caused our monthly expenses to almost double. The amount of guilt is overwhelming, i single handedly ruined our financial future for at least the next decade and my parents have to bear the brunt of the consequences of my actions. They could have been retired by now but now have to work at least a few additional years due to my fuck ups. A once in a life time opportunity to increase our wealth and what do i do? I fucking lost 90% of our current savings. it is so hard to go on but I have to stay, cannot just off myself after losing all our family's money. Everyday is just so hard.Sorry for the rant, had to let it out. I cannot go on, the guilt is crushing",Suicidal +24755,"Its like no matter how hard I try, to learn instruments, to take regular showers, to wear good clothes etc its not good enough. Ill never be good enough. I do not feel happy with myself and people seem to be scared of me. I cannot take this anymore. They think I am choosing to be this way. I feel worthless ; (",Depression +24756,"i cannot continue to live this life with my mind feeling so unclean and used already. I will never be able to have a proper relationship or friendship with anyone my mind is not like that. all I will do is ruin their souls as well. i do not even know if I am even alive anymore but i know that there is no going back from here. i feel disgusting inside and I am a terrible person. I am only sixteen, i do not know how other people can survive so long but i guess they are not me and they are actually good people. i do not want to live anymore. I am never going to change from the person i am now. my soul is too dirty and worn",Suicidal +24757,"I am 20 yo male, I have anever had anyone whom i could call a friend. i often wonder, why I am always the safe space for people. till date I have had only had someone as my friend or they have had me as their friend only when they were sad or in need of some emotional support. if it had happened only once or twice then i could take it as a coincidence but it happens with me all the time. ngl, this makes me feel numb and mkaes me question my existence all the time. but, why me?",Suicidal +24758,I have applied to various shops and stuff and never even got an interview. I got recommended to apply to McDonalds because they always need staff and apply most people. I got the interview but not the job. Most my friends have got a job there and I am the only one who is applied and not for it. Why am I such a failure. I cannot even get a job at McDonalds,Depression +24759,"Not sure if this is the right place to post...I do not know... my art does not improve much, but I am trying with practice. Always had passion as a kid for western comics/realistic, but told that I have no talent for art.So... I ask particular questions that are simple... nothing complicated to improve my art. I get some brush off/common answers/none. I find similar long questions with examples/details/lessons, which is how I learned/improved my art...As time went by, I feel extreme disappointment that I am learning answers to questions that I want to know its under the table. It piles up to a sadness that is deep to say that there is no point for me to learn or teach me as my art/person is not worth it.I lost reasons to live, but art is my one of my last. The last bit is my principles and hard work. Art learning disappointed/sad",Depression +24760,"i do not even know what to do at this point, i cannot sleep anymore because even my dreams are telling me to kill myself. these past few weeks have been the worst most exhausting weeks I have ever had and i do not even know why. if i could, i would sleep all day every dayim so sick of this, I am never going to get better, ill just be depressed for the rest of my life. if the rest of my life is going to be like this then what is the point of even getting up in the morning I am so tired",Suicidal +24761,"I have been on the SuicideWatch and Depression subreddits for a bit and I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to die. But I also do. I do not want to die because what if tomorrow is better and I have just been overreacting? What if tomorrow gives me a reason to live? But in my 17 years of living, no tomorrow has been good enough to make me want to stick around for another. I want to die because I feel as if my life is useless--we will all die one day, I just wish my day were sooner! My social life is definitely the backbone of my life, but when I become depressed like this, I constantly think about disappearing and self sabotaging, and I am seriously considering it right now. I do not want to be depressed, but I want to make myself as depressed as possible. I do not want to die, but I want to make myself want to kill myself as much as possible. Prolonging the inevitable I do not want to die",Suicidal +24762,do not know why but this lack of loving relationships is just eating away at me. No one to talk to when I am down. Nobody who cares about my accomplishments or struggles. Just have abusive parents. Too afraid to hang myself. I want to enjoy life again. Eating me up inside,Suicidal +24763,so badly i need help,Suicidal +24764,"I have struggled with my mental health to varying degrees over the last 5-6 years, At some points feeling like things are finally getting better and others times feeling prepared to end it all.In the earlier years, the thought of suicide and death would strike fear in me. Not necessarily the permanent nature of it or the endless return to nothingness. However, more the process of dying, the act itself, the internal fear of building myself up to commit.This distinction must have had a lasting effect, over the last 5 years I have developed a pattern of having dreams where I have died in life-life realism. Moments of fear before the moment of death, the moment itself - followed by seconds of nothingness, all before waking up in a panic.I would say I have experienced 4-5 of these dreams per week for the last 2 years. These night terrors have developed and grown in detail and frequency over the years, however, this growth in frequency has seemed to diminished my personal reaction and how I feel about the act of dying. I caught myself thinking that Death no longer scares me because it feels I have died 1000 times already. Now that I have returned to contemplating suicide in recent months. I reflect on how I am feeling now to when this all started those thoughts a few years ago. As of right now, I have never felt more indifferent to the nature of death and how relaxed I could be If I were to end things in the near future. What might this feel like in months and years to come.This numbingness should scare me more than it does. My dreams have prepared me for death.",Suicidal +24765,"I have been panicking and freaking out for the whole week because I have been feeling like the world is moving on without me. Of course, my depression only has one idea of a solution and that is killing myself. I know there are solutions beyond this, but I feel so helpless and lacking control lately and I do not know what to do. I go through periods of time where I get depressed and feel hollow, and I am going through one right now, and I wish it would be my last, dead or alive. The world is moving on without me",Depression +24766,"I have just began watching Boku no hero academia, I expected the level of sadness but something added. I was reminded of my life, my life is nothing but pain. Watching everybody there made me feel sad because everybody is out there improving themselves,achieving their dreams, having mentors, having adventures, and they feel pain but it is much more healthier than mine. Once the tv screen fades to black, I felt empty and sad, my depression began to show it is mean self again. All I could repeat to myself is ""my life is boring"", ""their not real"", bakugou's not real"", ""I am a coward"". This all repeats in my head as my chest felt heavy shit. I wish I could be in their world, a lot of destructions but I will be more free there, instead of being in the same house for many years not even allowed to go faraway. I feel like my reality will always be like this...empty, sad, boring, and filled with suffering. I do not even remember what it feels like to be happy about something. I want to go on and fight but what am I supposed to do with this feelings?, All I ever receive was negativity and this quarantine is making it fucking worst. Everytime a movie or music ends, I stare around my room and feel nothing but immense sadness and emptiness. it is so sad, I want to have an exciting life but it is so hard. I am sad over the fact that I am not in bnha",Depression +24767,I am broke and do not have anyone to go to. but i do not want to leave everything behind should i run away or kill myself,Suicidal +24768,"Every day I wake up, every second I continue to breathe and be alive, gives my family hope, allows them to believe that someday in the future that I am going to get my life together and turn it around, because if that is not the case, why would I bother sticking around? Why do not I just take the initiative and save everyone the trouble of wondering? This is starting to feel like the last part of my life. Treading Water",Suicidal +24769,"Maybe I know that I do in my subconscious, but am in denial or deceive myself in ways to make me feel better? I do not know. Could be from a lot of reasons too. People do notice I beat myself up and I do not really notice it till they mention it, then I reflect on it later with hindsight after the fact and just think and think about everything but I do not know exactly why I feel this way about myself. I do not understand how my brain is wired and I do not know how to understand. I feel lost, and tired of fighting ngl. I feel like I hate myself, but cannot pinpoint why",Depression +24770,But the only alternative is living and I do not want that either. I do not want to die,Depression +24771,"I have been so depressed lately and I am really at my breaking point. I have never been formally diagnosed, but I know that whatever this state I am in is, is not normal. I have always been like a bit like this in a way, just never this severely. I hate my job but I need it to pay for school, I hate school but I am going just to please my family and because I feel like I have nothing else to do with my life, I have not made new friends in years because of how bad my social anxiety is and I have never had a boyfriend for the same reason, I barely talk to most of my family, I gained weight from being off work due to being in a fire and I also lost most of my hair from it. Literally nothing is going right. I have tried so many things to help myself feel better - fixing my sleep schedule, making routines, eating healthier, exercising, starting therapy, but I still almost feel more horrible than before. And I am not even getting help for my suicidal thoughts because when my therapist asked, I lied and said I did not have any. did not want to be put in a psych ward. Anyways, I know feeling better from these things will not happen overnight, but I do not think I can wait any longer. I constantly fantasize about how Id commit, and what use to stop me is fear but its scaring me that the fear of it is slipping away slowly. The only things stopping me from doing it ks the 2 or 3 people who I know would truly care. But I am starting to feel like a burden on them because of my draining my low moods must be. I just hate my life and myself to much bear. I wasted most of my youth by sitting at home and doing nothing because of my anxiety and toxic household, and now I am stuck at a job I absolutely hate and going to school for something I do not really care about just so I can say I did something with my life. I use all of my energy to pretend I am okay at work and then when I go home, I just lay in my bed and cry and waste my life even more. I am scared if I go on much longer like this Ill hurt myself. I am a 19 year old female if that changes anything. . I am at a loss and do not know what to do with myself anymore.",Depression +24772,I had the worst 2 weeks of dysphoria and self hatred but I got up and did stuff like brushing my teeth worked on my project etc. Then my parents come in to berate me about my room and how I still do not have a job nor am I studying. I just took 2 weeks worth of antidepressants and I am hoping this does something to me. It was a pleasure not really want to keep me company while whatever effects kick in? My parents are pushing me,Suicidal +24773,"I want to go travel by myself and kill myself in a way that looks like an accident.I cannot feel like this every day anymore I am in constant pain.If I am not depressed I am high wired anxiety.I want to hurt myself even though I havnt in years.I cannot get help in Ireland as the mental health service here are fucking awful,I have been in and out all my life.I have so many people inc a boyfriend family &friends that care about me,But I cannot stay alive for them anymore. I gave up staying alive for myself a long time ago. I know I am not alone and there are so many who feel like me, but what is the point anymore? I have nothing to look forward to because the earth is dying? I am worthless in the grand scheme of things? I wish I could just die! Without ruining the lives around me :)",Suicidal +24774,"Every list of reasons to live is full of the lamest, corniest shit. Like watching a tv show you like, seeing a sunset, having a puppy lick your face. Ok? How is a puppy supposed to counterbalance climate change, nuclear weapons and internet pornography? How is a sunset going to make up for years of brutal social isolation? How is watching the sopranos again going to make me feel loved?Can someone please give me a reason to live that is not the lamest fucking thing I have ever heard? Can someone please give me a legitimate reason not to kill myself?",Suicidal +24775,"I just wanted to say I have been dealing with depression for a long time, I struggle with a few other issues and I am not really sure what to do. I have been hospitalized inpatient a few times this year, I know I am usually the problem or I think it is me. it is hard for me to make friends, I try at it and I always feel lonely. So the first experience for the hospital was shitty, the 2nd one was fine but then it got worse quickly and the 3rd time was where they recommended me for that and I had to see a doctor again to refer me to a partial hospitalization program. I am not sure if many of you know about that, but I am kind of at this stage where I do not care anymore and I will try anything at this point. I just do not know what to do to make my depression better, I have tried everything from therapy, to doctors, to meds, and all that. I am not trying to discourage anybody but I am lost at this point. Wish me luck pls. I start a partial hospitalization program today",Depression +24776,"**Following is a boring and overwhelmingly long whining of a non-native English speaker. Those who are interested in taking a quick peek at the life of a young man in Russia are welcome. My post might seem pale in comparison to other ones, and my problems are made up, and I myself might seem an attention craving internet vampire. I wrote it mainly because of therapeutic reasons - I wanted to structure and order my thoughts about the current situation I am in, but your opinions and support are still appreciated.**Hello. I am almost 24yo, and my mental issues seem to be getting more severe every month. I am stuck in an adverse situation of uncertainty and see no hope to get out of it.I am a permanent resident of Russian Federation. I came over as a student from the Central Asian outskirts of the former Soviet Union where we had to remain after its dissolution. I left it when I was 17yo (the rest of my family still remains there), and I could not wait until I am an adult to try to get my first part-time software developer job. Thanks to being an introverted loner at my school time, at the time of my 18th birthday I had my head crammed with fundamental computer science knowledge, so I got my first job relatively easily. To be frank I had no particular need to support myself while being a student - my parents would have supported me even if I had not got a job, but I was eager to separate from them, to slip from their parental guidance as soon as possible. But in the last semester the tension started to increase, and I was under a constant strain - I had to work keeping a decent performance while doing my bachelor's graduation work. Also that was the time I first encountered difficulties with my shaky migration status - I would have had to leave the country right after graduation if I had not acquired permanent resident status or been enrolled at a post-bachelor programme.I started to delve into Russian migration laws only to find out that I have literally no legal grounds to acquire a permanent residency, and any violation of the law may end up in being barred from entering the country. Imagine being thrown out back to the country where you have literally nothing left (no perspectives, no job, no money) but with an inevitable perspective of being put into the ethnically unfriendly environment due to the conscription into the mandatory army service (for the record - Slavs/Germans and a couple of other ethnicities are literally minorities in post-soviet Central Asian states). All of that made me extremely anxious and depressed, and one day I finally snapped - I got a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety-depressive disorder and was prescribed a year-long medication course (Xanax and Escitalopram).I managed to join the master course of my university thus deferring the end of my stay for two years. But the Russian migration laws started to change right on the cue, and I got an opportunity to acquire a permanent residence by proving that I am a competent user of Russian language and bound to Russian culture. I pulled it off, got my residence permit, dropped the master course and started to live relatively quietly (thanks to antidepressants).Now I am at the crossroads. I have an opportunity to become a Russian citizen, but here we go again - I am again a subject for a mandatory one-year military service til I am 27yo. I am far from being called a pacifist (you have to be cruel to be kind, you know), but it is utterly repugnant to me, especially the fascist militaristic rhetoric the proponents of mandatory service use to justify its presence in contemporary Russia. One might call me a freeloader, an inconsiderate citizen evading his duties, but I can object - the mandatory military service in Russia has nothing to do with protecting your country or preparing you to be a good soldier should the situation require it. It is just a kind of tradition serving the demand from the society for being citizens of a strong and prominent country and a way for army generals to get some slush funds. Most of the real responsibilities are transferred to military professionals on the payroll, while from the perspective of a conscript it looks like serving an obligatory jail term, which might be a sentence to my professional and social life, and also to my mental health. I have three ways to dodge the draft (barring the illegal ones)1. keep going as a non-citizen permanent resident until I am 27. There are too many risks here - you have to adhere strictly to the migration laws, every second fine for the last three years may lead to prohibition on entry and residence withdrawal. Migration laws are overwhelmingly messy and full of dark corners, which makes me persistently anxious although I am a very law-abiding immigrant. Also it is undesirable to leave the country for more than six month during the year since it leads to residence permit cancellation too.2. being exempted from the draft by proving I have an ailment incompatible with military service. Most of the relatively lightweight diagnoses (including mixed anxious-depressive disorder) meet these requirements. A relatively straightforward way but the only thing is that the conscription system is crooked. Your local draft board staff is apt to deceive you about your rights as a conscript, preventing you from exercising your rights in order to fulfill an anticipated conscription plan. One has to double-check everything they say or do to you and file complaints if something deviates from the law. Even if your diagnosis was given to you by an authorized doctor, you will be committed for a comprehensive[ ]( to a psych ward where you will have to languish for two or three weeks. If the diagnosis is approved, you will have to pass a couple or two of medical examinations before being exempted. Almost all people (sometimes even psychiatrists) you have to deal with are biased and suspect you of feigning your disorder in order to dodge the draft. It requires too much moral strength to stick it out. I am not certain I can stand it up well even being on antidepressants. These adverse tendencies are only magnified - it is harder to fulfill conscription plans due to the pandemic.3. to leave the country in favor of Europe/Canada/Australia, never to come back. I wanted to migrate to Canada for a long time (since my childhood, maybe), but now I think it is completely impossible. I never thought much of my value as a professional, but now it seems completely negligible. I am strenuously trying to become a better professional every day, but I am only affirming my opinion about myself. This adds to my anxiety and depression too, since doing a good job might be the only source of my satisfaction with myself. No one would hire me to relocate somewhere. Even if someone would, I do not like the idea of burning my bridges to Russia. I am not certain I can accommodate well, and might have to return back. Doing so without citizenship would be an ordeal.So, now I am feeling completely empty. It seems I slipped into a depression again (was I out of it at all?), and keep going because I have been ruminating on everything I wrote here for a half of a year. My thoughts are sluggish, my concentration is fucked up. I see no hope in my future, but I a Depression rant of an immigrant",Depression +24777,"i have nothing to say , I thought making more friends and being popular or filling my life with hobbies will fill the emptiness I feel , It just never gets filled . I am miserable.",Depression +24778,"My husband hates me. I am a shitty partner, a shitty parent. I have not spoken to most of my family in over a year. My mother only still talks to me because she wants access to my child. I am a piece of shit with zero potential to be anything else. there is no doubt, right, that there are people the world would be better off without? So then why is suicide bad? If racists, rapists, and pedophiles started taking themselves out we would celebrate. So why not me too? Why not? Why not?",Suicidal +24779,my life has gone to shit I am failing in school I am insecure coz my body is so ugly I am a failure as a son i still miss my ex even tho she broke up with me 9 months ago she was my dream girl but i was not her dream boy she has a boyfriend now and probably does not even think about me but here i am being depressed thinking about how things could of gone differently I am horny 24/7 and I am always jerking off but i cannot help it I have never made my parents proud i I have been having suicidal thoughts for nearly a year now but i do not have the balls to do it. ik I am only 15 but i cannot do it anymore i keep making my mum stressed because of how bad of a son i have always smoking weed and drinking to cope with my pain all i do is because stress to others i want to mentally prepare myself for it so that one day i will have the balls to finally do it. so if you have any suggestions on how i can mentally prepare my self for suicide lmk please i want to die but I am trying to mentally prepare myself for it because do not have the balls yet,Suicidal +24780,"I am an OD survivor (3 times). I use over the counter medicine and drugs prescribed by professionals. the last time i overdosed was about 11 months ago. now that i am terribly sick, i cannot seem to ingest drugs. like, i actually need medicine currently but I am having so much difficulty swallowing pills. my body overreacts whenever i place a pill on my tongue. i gag, i tear up, my entire body shudders and memories of the stomach cramps and hospital visit flood my head. i always end up puking and this is bad, i desperately need to get better so i can go back to school. anyway, the sight of pills lying on my desk triggers the shit out of me. i want to overdose again, i want to try killing myself again. i miss the pain, i miss the worried look on my parents faces, i miss the thrill of not knowing if ill die or not. idk lol. ANYWAY, i posted this to reach out to OD survivors do you experience similar reactions when ingesting pills? how do you overcome this? any OD survivors?",Suicidal +24781,"I lost everything. The only thing I have is constant anxiety and nightmares. I cannot keep on living like this. if this is the rest of my life, i do not fucking want it. I have nothing left",Suicidal +24782,"I had a visit with an anxiety management worker today. I suffer with sever depression and anxiety and we were just shooting the shit about different Things.Really nice guy and had a good talk. Was almost an escape from my head for 15 minutes. At the end he proceeded to ask me about suicidal thoughts and I just broke down and wept in front of him I just said it never stops, you never get a break it is just a constant nightmare in my head. It can break the strongest willed.Just here to say it is okay to cry and whatever pain you are in right now, you are not alone.I will not give up. Broke down in tears today",Depression +24783,"I am 23, I am 3 credits short of graduating high school. But graduating means nothing to me. In 2015 I attempted to hang myself and failed miserably. My whole life I am constantly dealing with trauma from my childhood, not having a mom, a lack of a father figure. Instead of getting any kind of genuine help I have been thrown into 3 mental hospitals against my will (because of my father). I can say with a full heart that I will kill myself before the year is over. You do not know what its like constantly being bullied for the way I look. I gave up a long time ago. I am not suppose to be here. I want to be free of this life. A life where my scars define the person I will forever be. Hopeless. I am not looking for anyone to tell me things will get better because I know they will not. By the time 2021 is over I will be gone. I will be free of waking up every day and being horrified by my reflection. I have become all the things I told myself as a child Id never become. The little happy kid in me is dead and it ruins me everyday I wake up. I am so worthless. I let down the child in me who was only trying to be free. To be happy. To live a life of meaning. My youth has been wasted away, and Ill never get it back. Wasted youth. The majority of my life has been spent trying to make others happy, doing what others deem necessary for me to do. I want to be free of this vicious cycle of trauma that we are told to live with. I will die with dignity. I will die knowing I did everything I could to hold on just another second. We say suicide is the easy way out, no. It is the only way. Wasted youth",Suicidal +24784,"Before i ask this question no i am not suicidal in any way, shape, or form nore do i have any friends who make those actions. I am not sure if this is the right place to ask this but its the only subreddit that is close to my question and google was no help, anyway here is my question: how can somebody not die by the suicide pill aka the cinide pill, like say i took it, is there a way to not be affected and if so is it possible to make it so a friend that took the pill will not die if he or she ever does it and I am there? Question",Suicidal +24785,"it is crazy, if anyone's like me, I go from extremely suicidal to cautious about my life in mere secondsTurns out my long term ex now is now super close with my childhood friend crew that dropped me. Including dating the former best friend. We broke up cuz I was toxic, and my friend group dropped me because I blew up at one of the dudes who wronged me, and it just hurts so bad. I feel like I am hated upon everyone and I am the bad guy. When does this shit end On the verge",Suicidal +24786,Ill have around 900mg of Prozac and I plan on taking it all and mix it with some alcohol and K so that hopefully I can go. I am so exhausted by everything now and I just feel so lost and alone. Next time i get my prescription I am overdosing,Suicidal +24787,"So I have been a long time reader on here and I figured this would be the best place for help.So about four months ago I started feeling aloof, I guess you would call it, but I have been feeling worse and worse. All the things that used to really make me feel good now just kind of feel like chores. Never really feel like leaving my room. I am 28 this month and I am not sure if I am just feeling down or if depression is what I am experiencing. I have had periods like this in the past but I have been told there is no reason for me to be depressed and usually I take it on the chin and keep walking forward because that is ""what I am supposed to do"". do not really have any real friends so any advice would be much appreciated I could use some perspective",Depression +24788,"I surf net all days, I do not want to do anything. Would therapist help me? would antidepressants help me? I do not want to do anything besides surfing net",Depression +24789,I am 22 I have been depressed for 5 years and I have been going to therapy for two months and any progress I make just makes my depression worse idk why maybe its because I do not believe any of my success is real but its just getting harder to stay alive The harder I fight my depression the worse it gets,Suicidal +24790,"I have the noose ready , I tried it out it will definitely work. But my pussy ass backed out as soon as I got dizzy. JUST GOD WHY cannot I DO IT. IT WAS SCARY. Just knowing it could all end right then. But now I am prepared. Now I know I can do it anytime I want. After years I finally have a fucking working almost painless plan. Hopefully working haha. We will find out someday. tale of a fucking pussy",Suicidal +24791,"I (M18) have struggled with depression and other things my whole entire life. I was born to a mother who would end up resenting me because I did not cure her problems and fix her marriage, someone who would do absolutely everything in her power to make me feel horrible and change into what she wanted, one bad friendship after the next, crippling loneliness, painful dysphoria, and a horrible view on the world (I love people but humanity is something). I would say there is a line between feeling all the pain of your life but not enough to change it and the point where enough is enough and you decide to fix your life. I am right on the edge. I feel extreme pain nearly every single day from whatever trauma and illnesses I have but I cannot for the absolute life of me get any sort of drive. I have absolutely no desire or driving force to get a job or career, I cannot bother to get my license because of lack of drive and fear surrounding it, and I cannot leave my room to socialize with friends. I have no relationship with my family, a father that does not care about me and is absent from my life, and a mother who is constantly around to remind me of how much of a disappointment I am to her, and how she regrets having me. From every point leading up to now, I cannot look back on my life and say I am happy to be alive There are times where I want to rot away until I am frail and sickly, or times I want to whore myself out for any kind of attention and joy, while most of the time I wish it would just be over. I do not want to die, but it seems like the only option I have left. there is no kind of life that appeals to me, and any drive to get better has been sucked out of me no matter how much I wish it did not. I do not want to die but I am afraid its the only option I have left. Advice on how to enjoy life and move forward? How to get the drive to make life better and keep living?",Depression +24792,"So I have slowly gained weight over the last few years and am now slightly overweight. I am mostly unconcerned, I am 175 cm and 80/85 kgs. I am also aware there is nothing wrong with being fat or chubby, but I do struggle with my own personal image of myself. I have depression, and sometimes I comfort eat a lot. My parents have talked to me several times over the last few years, expressing their concern for my weight. They say they are concerned I am going to become like a very obese relative of mine, which I think is a huge and ridiculous jump to make. These conversations have left me with a lot of shame and some pain when I comfort eat. Even though my logical brain can see there is nothing to be to worried about, my emotional brain feels quite ashamed when I look at my belly, my chin or when I am on my way to get some junk food. Tips and thoughts? Shame around comfort eating and weight from parents",Depression +24793,"I have been at it for at least a month now, I will type out some of what I want to say and I will just delete it. Its a lot to keep in and I would just share it to a trusted friend or a parent, but I do not have a trusted friend and my parents are the ones causing some of the stress. I will try to keep my mom's side short, basically she broke up with her boyfriend of 10 years and he broke a bunch of shit and left, he is was all around an asshole and one of the reasons I am scared of everything. Yesterday my mom picked me up from my dad's and told me she needed to talk to me. At first I thought I was in trouble until she brought up her boyfriend and told me he is moving back in soon. Not even a month later and he is coming back, not to mention she complained about having to live at two different places at once, the amount of irony is baffling. I did not say anything and just answered with one word answers which I kind of feel bad about, but I do not know what to tell her. These last two years have been the worst years of my life. I have been thinking about killing myself and I cannot find a reason I want to live, I just do. I like the dreams in my head to much to give them up, but that hardly seems like a reason, I guess it works for now. Trying to post",Depression +24794,I just got my fire arms license and I am ending my life with a 12 gauge shotgun. I give up,Suicidal +24795,I do not want to exist I do not want to exist,Suicidal +24796,I think I am going through some things and i do not know what to do. I just cannot seem to be motivated anymore. I have not been diagnosed with anything before but i do not know. How do you overcome the existential dread of knowing your going to die and that everything seems pointless and that it seems impossible to have any motivation?,Depression +24797,"Why should I?The embarrassment of a man /Who does nothing but make a fool out of himself /Trying with every fiber of his being to make himself feel like more than just a camera /Grasping at valueless connections /Forcing himself into the keyhole /Fabricating his emotions and convincing himself they are realThe child who weeps and cries to be loved /The man who sees things that are not there /The man who desperately needs approval /The man who knows nothing, thinks nothing, and cares for nothing /The man who only show concern for his own frail body /The man who walks amongst the dead but is too afraid to die /The man who cannot know others, since he has no understanding of himself /The man with no ambition, no hope, no interests /The hollow shellWhy should he exercise? /Why should he smile? /Why should he talk? /Why should he open his eyes? /Why should he try to improve? /Why should he do anything but sit and rot? Why should I?",Suicidal +24798,"Seem like he is the reason unnecessarily and not have people blame him for it? He definitely is the reason but not through any fault of his own. I am the one doing stuff wrong in the relationship. I just want to die right now. But I am not because of my boyfriend. I do not want to ruin him. The aftermath will not be good for his mental health. If I break up with my boyfriend, endure a little bit of what is to come and commit suicide later so as to not make it seem like",Suicidal +24799,Its just I cannot hurt myself but I do not want to live anymore. Is there a way to find someone to kill me?,Depression +24800,"I am a 27 year old female living in the uk. I have just said goodbye to a man I met online who I have scared away with my fragile mental state. Its not what people want to deal with people who are suicidal and depressed anxious and guilty. I have work in 2 hours, where I work with the public in customer service so I will have to pull myself together. My story is similar to everyone else here I am just desperate for some warmth and some comfort and for someone to tell me they love me. I have fought with these feelings and thoughts for most of my life and they go away from time to time. But they always come back.I find it impossible to imagine my future, I earn minimum wage, I have no degree, I moved back in with my parents 4 years ago.I cannot drive, cannot hold down a relationship, have zero social life. I have heard it all before I know I could fight through and keep going butwhy? My parents would still have to take me to and from work, Id still live with my parents without someone to loveIve even thought about trying to get myself put in prison. I do not know why I posted this here. I am not sure what I want out of it.Maybe this is my suicide note..Who knowsIn the meantime Ill get ready for work I am intolerable when I am suicidal",Suicidal +24801,"I am very embarrassed posting this, since it includes topics relating my sexuality, but i feel like i need someone to listen I am going to write my post inside: "" [()]""Because what I will write is literally a bunch of things i wrote to someone i was chatting with, and since all I wrote to them is pretty much all I am complaining about here, I will do it this way[( I am a 19yo, gay guy, I will actually turn 20 next week, and for a really long time, I have felt really unattractive.My mom says I am actually good looking, and that i only need to loose weight, honestly, this does give me a little hope, but i still have some problems even with that way of thinking. My mom says I am not ugly, but no one at school has ever felt attracted to me, I never came out at school, and I do not even know if there are other gay guys there, so it is no wonder no guy ever liked me; but i really think there is got to be a reason for no girls ever liking me, not even a single girl was interested in me in all those years, i studied in that school for 15 years, i had been classmates with the same people for 8 years, and no one showed any interest, that honestly makes me sad...and makes me doubt my mom's words)]*Side note, i posted some pics in other subs and this person saw them, they are in my profile, keep in mind it is NSFW, so if you dislike it, do not see please, continuing...*[(I think it is really obvious that I am very insecure about the size of my penis, if i had to explain it properly,( well you already saw it) i dislike it is size, and it is color, I am fine with the shape, I am fine with the glands, I am fine with the curve, I am fine with the foreskin, but I am unhappy about the size and the color, i wish it was bigger, like 6 to 7 inches, and that the color was more resembling pink.I know it is no use worrying about those two things, i know it is something out of my control, but you have no idea how much it frustrates me, i feel so ugly, so unattractive, and unlikeable.The only hope i have left is working out and loosing all this extra weight, but even if i did, 5.5 inches long, and 4.7 inches thick is all i can truly be, 5.5 is my bone pressed length, and even tho people say it is averages, honestly it is not enough; i was fine with not being as tall as i wanted, i was fine with not being as smart as i thought i was, i was fine with not being so lucky with love, i was fine with not having a boyfriend before, i was fine with so many things, i was willing to accept so many bad things i have, because, after all, no one is perfect, we all pretty much HAVE to have something not so beautiful, but why do I have to be so poorly endowed, it is so frustrating! If I am unhappy with my weight, i can change it, if I am unhappy with my height, well, I am 174cm, and even though that is not very tall, it is not very short either, not only that, but it kind of helps me feel somewhat cute...well it would help me feel cute, if i did not already feel so ugly.You know, I am not even into being some sort of playboy, and I am not into having one night stands, or fooling around having casual sex, sex has a deep meaning for me, i just want to find my true love, i just want to find someone special who loves me and who i love, I am so willing to work hard to earn someone is love, to be special to someone, but honestly, i do not feel handsome enough to be with someone, i would like to feel handsome, and sexy and beautiful for him, but when i see myself, i do not see someone attractive, handsome, sexy nor beautiful, and it depresses me so much just thinking about making someone settle for less, settle for me, i wish I could be good enough, so that being with me does not feel like he is doing me a favor, i want to be someone my loved one not only loves, but also truly desires to be with, i do not want to feel like love blinds him in order to be with me.)]*that is the end of the message i wrote to the other person*I was chatting with other people, but things did not end up very well, i ended up feeling really sad, despite their kinds words,.so I am writing here, hopefully people here do not struggle with their sexuality, that is something i would not wish to anyone, but maybe i could be understood, since other people did not understand... Feeling really down...again",Depression +24802,"I cannot bear the thought of taking my own life, the enormity of nonexistence is terrifying enough that I cannot do it to myself. I have tried now and then, starting when I was a kid, but could not do it. But I hate my life. it is constant illness and pain both mental and physical that leaves me basically crippled unless I am high on speed, and I have been out of amphetamine for several weeks now due to shipping delays. And for perhaps a few weeks or months a year I start doing better, but every time circumstances beyond my control find a way to fuck me up the arse. I wish I could be dead without having to kill myself. Just rest in absolute nothingness without ever knowing that the sum total of everything I know is soon to disappear. Hopefully I am struck dead by a brain aneurysm or a runaway car sometime in the near future. In the meantime I do whatever drugs I can get my hands on, sleep, and try to make sure I at least shower once every few days. I am trying so hard to do more but right now that is all I can do. I do not want to kill myself, I just wish I were dead.",Suicidal +24803,"I understand that life's got up and downs, but accepting that the lows are temporary and will pass just gets me yearning impatiently for the highs, or at least feel normal. How do you guys counteract these feelings or what do you usually do? It seems like I cannot do anything but to just wait until it subsides. Dealing with lows",Depression +24804,"In May, I tried to kill myself for the first time but, for some stupid reason, I got help before the pills took effect. I was told I could get the help I needed afterwards, I got nothing but worthless pills. Now I am simply treated like a burden and I fully agree with it. Everyone asks me what I want and get angry when the answer is death. My every waking thought is filled with ideas of ending my life. Its been like this for half my life, I have tried to manage it for my parents, but I do not know how longer I can stop myself. Probably going to try again",Suicidal +24805,"A year ago suicide was not even an option, I could never imagine myself even self harming but now, now it is seems like the only option. Everyday I have to put up this persona or a cheerful girl who does not have a care in the world, I laugh, I joke I do everything in my power to make people think I am ok and it is not even for an admirable reason like 'i do not want to burden them' it is because I am a fucking pussy and would probably start crying. I am so fucking lazy I have not brushed my teeth since God knows when, I only showered yesterday because I went out with my friends today and I have been going to sleep at 6am and waking up at 4pm. I am so fucking lazy that sometimes I do not cut myself because I cannot bring myself to get up. On Sunday I am going out with my friends and maybe afterwards I will end it, I might as well make my last memories fun. I do not know why I am sharing this, perhaps a small part of me wants people to tell me that I am worthy or something I also do not know how I would kill myself but I will figure it out I will be leaving soon",Suicidal +24806,"I wish I died when I was a child, having experienced only innocence. Being ignorant to the disappointing state of the world. Everything was much brighter. Life definitely is not worth it. But somehow now I believe that if I kill myself it will not be better. So I am stuck. I feel stuck. I fucking hate myself. I regret everything I have ever done. The best part of this life is when the chemistry of my brain aligns in a way that tricks me that all is good. I am stuck.",Suicidal +24807,"I say this all the time but why cannot I ever muster the balls just for once? One, no, possibly 2 people would somewhat care for me dying for a few days, then they would move on. that is it. That simple. But even if I thought this through, why cannot I bring myself to kill myself? I am never going to be loved. Never. I have no talent, nothing that shows that I am smart, or athletic. I am not handsome, or tall, or likeable too. I am just me. Simple old self loathing pathetic me. Why cannot I kill myself already? 2 people might be bummed out, but it probably saves other peoples time after I die, not having to meet me to hassle them. I am too much of a hassle for anyone, which is why I either do not have friends, or they avoid me. Just fucking end it, Ill be lucky, same as those who would ever meet me. Fucking kill me. I am worthless. I can be replaced. The world is overpopulated anyway. What more is 14 years to a different family? Probably more than me, but I am basically nothing. Nothing. Just an empty she will with nothing to show for it. Why cannot I just kill myself?",Suicidal +24808,"I do not even know why I am writing this. I just think that I cannot talk about this things without alarming o worry the people in my life. I do not want to feel like this anymore, everyday from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed I feel like absolute shitSometimes, when I am out with friends I feel a little relieved, and when I am with my boyfriend my mood is generally better, but firstly we are in a long distance relationship so we cannot see each other every day, and secondly I cannot count entirely on somebody else to be happy. I have suicidal thoughts everyday, multiple times a day, but I struggle to talk about this because even if I am almost sure that I will never act on it because I have hope that someday I will be if not okay, al least better, I cannot convince others of that. I feel like I am slowing becoming more and more difficult to be with, I am terrified of that. They always say ""a good friend/boyfriend does not leave you just because you are struggling"" but it happened to me before, how can I ignore that? I do not want to be a burden. All I want is to be happy, or at least stable, and to be a source of happiness to others. Sometimes I feel the need to ignore everyone to not drag them in the depression pit with me, because there are days when I really cannot control myself and suppress what I am feeling and i KNOW that it affects others. What can I do to make things better? I just cannot do this anymore I am exhausted",Depression +24809,"Every day I become more socially inept, I have no friends, I am technically $30,000 in debt at the moment so that is another thing that just fucks with me. I hardly find anything satisfying nowadays other than going to the gym and being there 2-3 hours. I have given up on all of my past hobbies without even realizing it(gaming, music production/beat making, clothing, sneakers). I spend most of my day sleeping/in my room, I honestly do not even what to do, life is pointless for me. I just hope I die soon. :) ~",Suicidal +24810,"Hey fam! I play in a band that is going to put out a track about the reality of depression/suicide and how it affects the people you leave behind. We want to leave some inspirational messages at the end of the clip with on screen as text, to inspire people to keep fighting. If you would like to share some inspirational statements or quotes, I would love to include it!If you would like to be credited, we will include yours in the YouTube description, although anonymous is cool too!Just wanting to make a difference, would appreciate your help x I am making a song to touch on mental health and I need your help!",Depression +24811,"Listen, being gay it is all about look. you are useless if you are not a hot gay. Nobody cares about personality, intelligence. it is all about how you look. If you are average most of the gays(even the ugly ones) do not care. But if you are a muscle one everybody want you, they talk with you, they are nice with you and so. World is only for hot gays! that is the true. I hate that I am gay",Suicidal +24812,"I am so ugly and disgusting. I am 5'3 weighing like 200lb because I cannot ever bare to do something with myself. I have a skin condition that basically makes it so I get super pain boils on my armpits, under my chest, and groin which makes it even harder to move when they get super irritated. I have been trying to wash my teeth more often but I often forget and honestly would not be surprised if I have a shit ton of cavities. Being able to feel my skin just makes me feel so awful. Having my clothes touch me in a weird way makes me feel awful. I tried getting a job and I could not because my social anxiety got too bad and I also could not stop thinking about how disgusting I appeared. I probably smell bad too. I cannot even take care of my physical health or my mental health. A few years ago I was so much more fortunate and luckier but I still felt like shit. Now I am not fortunate or lucky at all, and I feel like even more shit. I just feel so bad. it is 5am already and I have not slept because I cannot stop daydreaming about bad things and having bad thoughts about myself. I just feel so guilty and gross. My chest feels like it is about to explode. I am so disgusted with myself",Depression +24813,"I do not even know why I am writing this tbh. I just see myself dead soon. I do not want to have to work for the rest of my life and live with mental illness. My brain is so messed up lol. Depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, eating disorder; I definitely have a personality disorder too lol. It consumes my thinking. Growing up gay in a homophobic city really has not helped either. I find it hard to trust people around guys my own age. I abused weed hardcore for one and a half years, I finally quit about 2 weeks ago and I feel stupid as hell for doing it everyday for so long. I fucked up my brain to escape reality. I do not feel pleasure in doing things normal people do, everything I do is just to numb myself and escape reality. I feel I have no personality other than being depressed. I am relatively smart and know that I can get a decent paying job in the sciences, but at this point I wonder if i even want it. I have been suicidal for the past 5 years, the only thing that kept me going was the hope for a better future. Well, time has passed, and while my life is better than it was in high school, I still feel this mental illness rotting my brain. I do not feel joy when I am around people. All I feel is anxiety, shame, and fear. The only time I feel good is when I am on drugs. At this point, I just do not know if I want to put in the effort to keep living, when I am just keep feeling numb either way. Why bother trying when I could just die and be the end of it? I know that my death would make my mom and two best friends sad, but I just do not know if I want to keep living anymore. Depressed rant",Suicidal +24814,"I do not want to put her in a horrible state, I want to be able to help her and make her feel confident in herself and she is the only person that is made every horrible thing that I went through worth it in the end.&#x200B;and even though I am struggling right now with suicidal thoughts due to ongoing abuse and other things, just knowing that she believes in me and cares about me makes me not want to do it, and I am really glad to have her. The only reason why I have not killed myself is because of my girlfriend",Suicidal +24815,"I am considering checking myself into the ER for ideation. I have had it really rough for whatever reason the past few weeks and I have been seriously thinking about suicide for several days now, but I am afraid that if I check myself in they would lock me in some institution and scramble my brains with drugs. I guess I am looking for other experiences so I can accurately determine what I should do. Thanks. Experiences with the ER?",Depression +24816,"I have work soon and I cannot function properly and I cannot afford to take the day off. I am so volatile. I am not one to cry in public but I could not even hold out past my last work hour yesterday. I have not cried in years. I am having a slow breakdown maybe. I cannot eat, have not slept in days. cannot stand living like this anymore. Had to post it somewhere. I cannot do this today. Not today.",Suicidal +24817,why am i even alive in the first place i just want to kill myself lol.,Suicidal +24818,"Dream car, dream career, dream girl, ect... He literally achieved all my dreams I had growing up, and he knows it as well. He does not talk to me anymore. do not get me wrong, I am happy for him, but resent him greatly at the same time. Actually, I hate him. Fuck my life. My 'best friend' literally achieved every dreams I had in life.",Depression +24819,"I am feeling a bit numb now, I do not even know why I am posting this anyway. Basically I wanted to go to the psych ward/mental hospital because I did not know what else to do and I was really hoping to go there. Now I have realised that it is not going to do anything to help me so there is no use. I just want to sit down and do nothing all day I cannot do anything at all but I still have to go to school physically and it is very tiring. I wish I could take a break and do nothing all day but then again that is what I have been doing for the past 6 weeks. Anyway I have made a promise to myself. In my short lifetime I have never been able to keep any promises but I hope that I will at least be faithful to myself and fulfill the promise I had made to myself. I have to do it because that is what is good for everyone. Wish me luck for me to keep my promise to myself. it is the last thing I can do to help myself, even if it is not the solution. there is nothing else left to do. Whatever",Depression +24820,My father is a drunk mess who is threatening to commit suicide and I do not have anywhere to go No one to support my mother No one I am going to overdose on amitriptyline I think I can get these without prescription Life's not fair and let it be unfair I am done with it. If you want to suggest any other more fatal drugs please do I said I would kill myself but I did not I cannot stop thinking why not anymore,Suicidal +24821,"**Following is a boring and overwhelmingly long whining of a non-native English speaker. Those who are interested in taking a quick peek at the life of a young man in Russia are welcome. My post might seem pale in comparison to other ones, and my problems are made up, and I myself might seem an attention craving internet vampire. I wrote it mainly because of therapeutic reasons - I wanted to structure and order my thoughts about the current situation I am in.** Hello. I am almost 24yo, and my mental issues seem to be getting more severe every month. I am stuck in an adverse situation of uncertainty and see no hope to get out of it. I am a permanent resident of Russian Federation. I came over as a student from the Central Asian outskirts of the former Soviet Union where we had to remain after its dissolution. I left it when I was 17yo (the rest of my family still remains there), and I could not wait until I am an adult to try to get my first part-time software developer job. Thanks to being an introverted loner at my school time, at the time of my 18th birthday I had my head crammed with fundamental computer science knowledge, so I got my first job relatively easily. To be frank I had no particular need to support myself while being a student - my parents would have supported me even if I had not got a job, but I was eager to separate from them, to slip from their parental guidance as soon as possible. But in the last semester the tension started to increase, and I was under a constant strain - I had to work keeping a decent performance while doing my bachelor's graduation work. Also that was the time I first encountered difficulties with my shaky migration status - I would have had to leave the country right after graduation if I had not acquired permanent resident status or been enrolled at a post-bachelor programme.I started to delve into Russian migration laws only to find out that I have literally no legal grounds to acquire a permanent residency, and any violation of the law may end up in being barred from entering the country. Imagine being thrown out back to the country where you have literally nothing left (no perspectives, no job, no money) but with an inevitable perspective of being put into the ethnically unfriendly environment due to the conscription into the mandatory army service (for the record - Slavs/Germans and a couple of other ethnicities are literally minorities in post-soviet Central Asian states). All of that made me extremely anxious and depressed, and one day I finally snapped - I got a nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety-depressive disorder and was prescribed a year-long medication course (Xanax and Escitalopram). I managed to join the master course of my university thus deferring the end of my stay for two years. But the Russian migration laws started to change right on the cue, and I got an opportunity to acquire a permanent residence by proving that I am a competent user of Russian language and bound to Russian culture. I pulled it off, got my residence permit, dropped the master course and started to live relatively quietly (thanks to antidepressants). Now I am at the crossroads. I have an opportunity to become a Russian citizen, but here we go again - I am again a subject for a mandatory one-year military service til I am 27yo. I am far from being called a pacifist (you have to be cruel to be kind, you know), but it is utterly repugnant to me, especially the fascist militaristic rhetoric the proponents of mandatory service use to justify its presence in contemporary Russia. One might call me a freeloader, an inconsiderate citizen evading his duties, but I can object - the mandatory military service in Russia has nothing to do with protecting your country or preparing you to be a good soldier should the situation require it. It is just a kind of tradition serving the demand from the society for being citizens of a strong and prominent country and a way for army generals to get some slush funds. Most of the real responsibilities are transferred to military professionals on the payroll, while from the perspective of a conscript it looks like serving an obligatory jail term, which might be a sentence to my professional and social life, and also to my mental health. I have three ways to dodge the draft (barring the illegal ones)1) keep going as a non-citizen permanent resident until I am 27. There are too many risks here - you have to adhere strictly to the migration laws, every second fine for the last three years may lead to prohibition on entry and residence withdrawal. Migration laws are overwhelmingly messy and full of dark corners, which makes me persistently anxious although I am a very law-abiding immigrant. Also it is undesirable to leave the country for more than six month during the year since it leads to residence permit cancellation too.2) being exempted from the draft by proving I have an ailment incompatible with military service. Most of the relatively lightweight diagnoses (including mixed anxious-depressive disorder) meet these requirements. A relatively straightforward way but the only thing is that the conscription system is crooked. Your local draft board staff is apt to deceive you about your rights as a conscript, preventing you from exercising your rights in order to fulfill an anticipated conscription plan. One has to double-check everything they say or do to you and file complaints if something deviates from the law. Even if your diagnosis was given to you by an authorized doctor, you will be committed for a comprehensive[ ]( to a psych ward where you will have to languish for two or three weeks. If the diagnosis is approved, you will have to pass a couple or two of medical examinations before being exempted. Almost all people (sometimes even psychiatrists) you have to deal with are biased and suspect you of feigning your disorder in order to dodge the draft. It requires too much moral strength to stick it out. I am not certain I can stand it up well even being on antidepressants. These adverse tendencies are only magnified - it is harder to fulfill conscription plans due to the pandemic.3) to leave the country in favor of Europe/Canada/Australia, never to come back. I wanted to migrate to Canada for a long time (since my childhood, maybe), but now I think it is completely impossible. I never thought much of my value as a professional, but now it seems completely negligible. I am strenuously trying to become a better professional every day, but I am only affirming my opinion about myself. This adds to my anxiety and depression too, since doing a good job might be the only source of my satisfaction with myself. No one would hire me to relocate somewhere. Even if someone would, I do not like the idea of burning my bridges to Russia. I am not certain I can accommodate well, and might have to return back. Doing so without citizenship would be an ordeal.So, now I am feeling completely empty. It seems I slipped into a depression again (was I out of it at all?), and keep going because I have been ruminating on everything I wrote here for a half of a year. My thoughts are sluggish, my concentration is fucked up. I see no hope in my future, but I am also unable to kill myself. I feel like half of my life is past me, and the other part is joyless too. I feel like I am dying slowly",Suicidal +24822,Do you have one that you tell yourself? A Saying That Keeps You Going?,Depression +24823,A good portion of you want to die and I would like to have the option when my next low hits so is there any issue with using the exhaust hose into the car truck on a Kia Sportage? Its a weird question but I looked it up and some cars have some weird emissions blocker that makes the death externally painful instead of peaceful and painless. I am horrified of pain so any other quick and painless ways that do not have a chance to fail and leave me as a vegetable for the rest of my life would also be appreciated. Imma level with you,Suicidal +24824,"When I am depressed, I stay silent. Unless there is a very good reason to talk, I keep my thoughts to myself and even when I do speak, its in as few words as possible. I give nothing away. When I am angry I have focus and drive and I do not take shit from anyone, in fact I actively punish people who fuck with me. I do not do anything I do not want to do and do not give a shit what people think of me because I do not need them for anything.I like myself in both of those states. I keep to myself and I never end up regretting the things I say or do. But when I am happy its like I am a different person. I hate that person. I get self conscious and make concessions for other people as a result, I overshare and tell people things Id never want them to know about me and immediately regret it every time, I just lose all the things about myself I have learned to do right over the years, all the things I actually like about myself. Its like having my brain hijacked.And people who see my like that get fooled into thinking that is who I actually am and they expect it all the time even though most of the time, that is not me at all and I do not even understand that person. And because I am not me at those times, I guess I make people think I actually want friends and then they get confused and blame me when I do not want to hang out and I secretly just want them to fuck off (which I guess *is* my fault).I just hate being happy, I hate who I become and I wish I could somehow guarantee Id never turn into that person ever again. I hate myself when I am happy",Depression +24825,"I do not know who I was that night, but I know who I have been. I have put everything into our lifeI sold my soul to you. But at some kind of cross roads, i let a demon inside. I was out of control my emotions possessed me & with a broken heart I went looking for hell, demon on my shoulder in the vast of night.I was self destructive; I did not want to live and then I saw you and could not believe the places you would been. I put everything into you. Everything I had, anyway. Then I learned that love was a thing worth forgiving for and that you were worth the trials. I am sorry. Even if its too late, I am sorry.I am sorry about the car. I wrecked it looking for the you I once knew. The whole in my chest is not filling up. I ran home & fell to my knees. The wolves were moving in and the whole town was watching. The night cut the dark like the moon on a razor. The wolves are moving in and everyone can see.I put everything into this & I fucked it all up. I just want to atone. I am begging, can I make it up to you? They locked me away & released me in exile from love, from the kids. I have payed for the damage but wearing this ball & chain I do not feel I have done my time. I just want to atone, I just want to be home.Now I am back in the life I had before I knew you but it is so lonely now. I know your lonely too but is it because I am not there, or because no ones there with you?I know someday you will have a beautiful life I know someday you will see. you will see the sun in somebody else's eyes but why, why, why cannot it be? Why cannot it be me?I cannot watch my broken dreams dance into the sunlight beams, with someone else. I forgive you but I cannot spare myself the same virtues. I gave it all to you. I forgive you, love.Can we take the long way? Would you walk that way with me? or does someone else have your eye? I would walk the long way & take the hurt if i could.. but are you lonely without me? A rap I wrote trying to cope with my depression",Depression +24826,My baby is 14 years old. She has not eaten in 4 days and is very week right now. We do not want her in any pain so I do not feel bad about making the choice to let her go but I have had this dog since I was 6. she is this itty bitty yorkie poo named Molly. I have been away from university for a year and have not been able to visit home much because of the pandemic. I feel so guilty because I have not been there for her in her last year. Ill be honest I am worried I might self harm or cope in some bad ways. I cannot picture never being able to snuggle her again or never putting her out to pee and calling her back in again. I think were putting down my dog today,Depression +24827,"I have this disgusting head pain 24/7.. Moves around my head and the pain is super indescribable. No medication has not helped for 8 months of working with doctor. Every second I fight this pain, I do it for my parents but i do not know how to cope if they are not around.. I do not know how to really exist anymore now. The head pain consumed me. I feel so alone in this pain I am worried how I can fight this pain when my parents are not around anymore and when I am old age",Depression +24828,damn bruh the next generation is going to be weak as hell if we keep going the way we are going smh. GODDAMN BRUH SO MUCH YOUTH BEING WASTED IN SADNESS,Depression +24829,"did you know I am cool, yeah you did not well now you know. I am COOL",Depression +24830,I do not know what to do or how to go on. I just found out my boyfriend was with someone while together with me. I feel so hurt. So stupid. I loved him and still do. He was talking with other women as well. I cannot handle this. My heart hurts. I always had a weird feeling something was up. He reassured me that he never or will do anything but I was such a fucking idiot to believe it. I thought he was the one. I wanted to marry him. I saw a future with him but it is all gone. I have no motivation. I have no will to live. He was the only person I thought loved me and now I have no one. I am going to end it. No one would miss me anyway. I am nothing. I am so hurt,Suicidal +24831,"Birthday is coming up, I have not spent it with anyone. Ever.I have never had a girlfriend or a steady job. When i go outside I put ear plugs on. I do not post online or interact with people online. I bought a rope was just thinking about just driving my car into the wilderness and just hanging myself. Parents and siblings will not care the world will just keep on spinning. Introvert",Suicidal +24832,every single day first thing when i wake up is think bout dying,Suicidal +24833,And I do not think anybody ever will. Nobody loves me.,Depression +24834,"someone like me should not exist. all i seem to know how to do is hurt people. i do not ever realize the consequences of my actions until its too late. since making this realization, I have started therapy, taking medications, trying to figure out why i am the way i am, turning to religion, but it has all proven to be pointless. maybe this is just how i am, maybe there is no fixing it. i do not want to hurt anyone anymore, but the only way i can do that is by hurting them in the worst way possible. is not it worth it though? just one last time and then it will all be over for good. id be doing them a favor. i left my house a little bit before 11pm, and drove around aimlessly for a bit before stopping in a parking lot. it is now 3:30am. I have been thinking about doing it tonight. i cannot be here any longer, I am hurting not only the people around me, but myself as well. also, kudos to you if you read this far, i know i have the vocabulary of a third grader, probably would have never guessed I am an 18 year old, another reason i want to end myself lol. hopefully this will be byebye for good. i am a bad person",Suicidal +24835,"I keep having back and forth in my head that I am insane. People never get what i try and say, like ill say one thing and they will say something else back that does not help. I keep forgetting things as they happen. Even typing this makes me scared. I am so god damn lost. Iv tried to kill myself 2 times now but to much of a pussy to go though with it. Sometimes i think to myself maybe if i kill myself then people that say they love me will see that I am broken and in constant pain. It feels like no one can hear me. I feel so crazy its killing me I feel like I am insane",Depression +24836,"Once upon a time everything was great.I was just like everyone else, young, innocent and naive. I had it all. Friends, Good grades, Happiness. I felt as if nothing could go wrong.Suddenly at that present moment, depression washed upon me like a tidal wave. It began with the total loss of concentration, Then the loss of interest in anything and everything. I would wake up just to go back to bed again.I would consume packs of junk food as if my life depended on it.I would constantly feel like my memory was trash and my language skills had been deteriorated There were voices in my head, telling me that I had failed. My Friends laughed and called me crazy.My Family kept taking about themself. Thier pain, thier life, thier struggles.But what about me. When I needed them most, Friends and Family disappeared. So slowly began my descent into madness. Poem about depression",Depression +24837,"Life sucks and it does not gives back, I never feel happy, feel like killing myself every fucking single day.Slowly getting to being 30yo, it never gets better, its not about what I have, or about money, I realized I would be the same sad thing sitting in a RR living in a villa on a hill...And yeah the root of the problem is a girl I fucked relationship with, it is been few years since I even saw her, was getting vivid dreams about her last month for like a week straight, and that happens from time to time, beautiful mornings can tell you... And god how my heart is racing when I see her still.. Never happened to me with anyone elseBut that is not the point, I think I am over it, she is not going back, but everytime I meet someone it feels weird, and I end up being fucked up thinking about her and about how i fucked it up. And yeah I know it could have ended up either way or something, but the result would be the same for me.Tried overdosing on purpose few years back(3-4) off of a mix of xans, DXM and some other drugs we had on hands with my old party, almost made it one time, felt happy when I thought its happeningLast year I almost completely ended up with martial arts which i started again with after being on drugs for two years or so, it was helping me so much, but suddenly I have no energy left I do not know if I lived only for her, and now that I know she is in fact 100% not going back I am losing it completely. I still have in my mind going back in to the gym and running and everything I was used to do, but everyday by the time I get home I am tired as hell, and do not want to do anything..I only want to die now, if there was an opinion to just vanish without family noticing I would gladly do so. Problem is it is only getting stronger, every year I tell myself if nothing changes, this is the last year.it is been three years I am telling this to myself, nothing changed, yet I am still here, but I am pretty sure I am not going to make it to my 30, the day the cup overspills will come, cannot be there to suffer every single day till i die, sorry.&#x200B;I do not want to hear anything like find yourself someone or find yourself a hobby or anything, believe me, tried everything. I do not even know what I want to hear, maybe some experience or something.I do not even care to make an altSo what now, any other option? Anyone who feels like his time is running out? Feel like killing myself almost every day for the last +-8 years",Depression +24838,"Feels like I am a walking circus everyday, have not done a single noteworthy thing in my life and I think to myself ""Why do I even exist?"" I was a social outcast right from the get-go, hardly anyone liked me, so I never had many friends. I screwed myself over and burned a bridge with a friendship over 7 years. I let myself think that people just put up with me, but I am told otherwise, why do I still feel like I am just an obstacle to others around me? I have been here before, wondering why I exist, because there is nothing waiting for us at the end of the road, what is there to look forward to? I still live my parents acting like I am just getting to my teens, like I never grew up. I hardly talk to my grandfather with whom I have had bad experiences with like belly poking and point out that I am slower than a normal person...I always feel like there is a weight waiting for me to be lifted, but I can never find the effort to go lift that weight, as I feel more and more discouraged to lift it because of other things going on in my life. Needing an education, a job, have a hobby, making friends, seeing other relatives, have a routine, keep things tidy, do this, do that and the list goes on and on...How am I supposed to manage all of this? How the hell do I find the time and place...I end up shutting myself in and wallow in what my life (or lack there of) could be.Not entirely sure if this is the right sub for this post, but I just had to get this off of my chest, thank you for reading what looks to be my sad and pathetic life. God, I feel like such a moron",Depression +24839,"Hi, so I have never talked about this friend but oh god, she is something. I asked them to stop calling me the t and f slur, since I am gay and trans and it makes me uncomfortable but they still doI asked them to stop showing me porn/nsfw art of anime characters, they still doI told her to stop using AAVE since she is white as semen but still says itHas sexualized my age regression, which btw the reason why I regress is because of getting sexually assaulted Whenever I tell them to not do something I do not like she would have a break down and say how they are having a panic attack and how they are sorry, then proceed to do it all over again Awhile back, I was worried about me and my boyfriends relationshipand him being aro (I finally brought it up, saying how I am not comfortable being in a relationship if hes aro, turns out he understands. He is not aro, and we moved on and did not even get in a fight. Feels so good to get that off my shoulders) so I vented about it to my friend, big mistake! They said the following *boyfriends name* is toxic, manipulative, abusive and so much more you need to leave him!! No hes not? Hes literally the sweetest boy ever, nobody has ever treated me good, not even my friend (the one I am talking about)I did not believe any shit she said, I went to sleep, left their house immediately and cried. I cried a lot. Hearing people say shit like that about your boyfriend is not something that is fun!So less than a month later I told him, and he was so hurt. He has lots of horrible intrusive thoughts just like I do, and now she made him feel like they true. I feel awful, my poor fucking boyfriend. I want to comfort him and hug him and do everything in my power to protect him but we are long distance rn and I cannot do shit. He still feels shitty about it, and I do too. My so called friend has said lots of other awful things, Ill talk about those later My friend hurt my boyfriend and me",Suicidal +24840,"I really do want to kill myself today , I really really do but it just.... seems scary , scary for my family. I do not want them to find me hanging but I cannot continue life I just cannot. advice",Suicidal +24841,"I try my best but I just want to die. I hate my acne, skin, scars, face. JUST EVERYTHING! I FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AND CONFIDENT WITH MYSELF. I JUST want to DIE. I WANT TO DIE. I do not want to LIVE ANYMORE. IF I CAN KILL MYSELF TODAY. I will DO IT. BUT I am TOO SCARED I do not want to live anymore.",Depression +24842,"You see, whenever you talk about killing yourself there will be hundreds of people trying to convince you it is going to get better, life is beautiful, your mom will feel bad, do not do it. Etc etc. The useless crap, sugar coating on my already deteriorating mental health. But on this subreddit, it is not like that. I can talk about suicide freely. Nobody tries to talk me out of it, rather people relate to my pain. it is sort of satisfying to know that I am not the only one having these disturbing thoughts. And I am not the only one who thinks living is useless and dying would be much much better. So thanks to people who are just as fucked in the mind as me. May we get to die soon. I know this will sound fucked up to others but when you have nothing else to look forward to, dying sounds so freeing and peaceful. I wish that peace for people who are desperately seeking it. May we finally be happy again, even if it means we cease to exist. I like it here because nobody tries to guilt trip me or sugar coat things.",Suicidal +24843,"Feels good to admit that, to let goall of it its all ultimately worthless in the grand scheme of things. Just thinking about what a small portion our existence takes up in the vast space of the universewe give ourselves meaning but when you compare it to something greater it really becomes nothing.Ig that is why its so easy to let go, everything just becomes a bad joke.I wonder how long this planet will last..if any remnant of humanity will survive in the future. Perhaps everything would be wiped away, nothing left to show we ever existed I do not think I ever cared",Depression +24844,"I jus want to kill myself, i jus want to kill myself i jus want to kill myself Killing yourself requires courage",Suicidal +24845,"but i cannot even have that. too scared of pain, too afraid, too weak. I regret ever letting myself get to this age. I always hoped I would be dead by 18, now I am here, and loneliness is carving away at parts of me I hoped were already gone. I am so alone, so disgusting, so worthless. Being trans when you are as depressed as I am is a special hell. The whole world sees me as a circus clown at best, more likely a dangerous, perverted, freakish, disgusting, abberant abomination. And I agree with that assertion. So if everyone hates me, and I hate me, then where do I find the strength to do anything, improve my circumstances, or make them irrelevant to my rotting corpse. Dead or alive, I am just as disgusting and worthless, but if I am dead then I do not have to pay for food. I do not want to fight anymore, every day gets harder and harder no matter how hard I try. I just want to be dead",Suicidal +24846,"You know when you start realizing your old bad habits like, not eating, not sleeping or oversleeping, emotionally numb, so much anger and you know it is getting bad again but you have no idea how to stop yourself so you just let it happen . At the same time, you do not let it show, as it disappoints and upsets people, so at the end of the day, you really are alone. Getting worse",Depression +24847,"I just do not feel anything Happiness,sadness anger,pain nothingI see no point in anything or anyone.. I am Numb",Depression +24848,"I do not even know why I am writing this. I just think that I cannot talk about this things without alarming o worry the people in my life. I do not want to feel like this anymore, everyday from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed I feel like absolute shitSometimes, when I am out with friends I feel a little relieved, and when I am with my boyfriend my mood is generally better, but firstly we are in a long distance relationship so we cannot see each other every day, and secondly I cannot count entirely on somebody else to be happy. I have suicidal thoughts everyday, multiple times a day, but I struggle to talk about this because even if I am almost sure that I will never act on it because I have hope that someday I will be if not okay, al least better, I cannot convince others of that. I feel like I am slowing becoming more and more difficult to be with, I am terrified of that. They always say ""a good friend/boyfriend does not leave you just because you are struggling"" but it happened to me before, how can I ignore that? I do not want to be a burden. All I want is to be happy, or at least stable, and to be a source of happiness to others. Sometimes I feel the need to ignore everyone to not drag them in the depression pit with me, because there are days when I really cannot control myself and suppress what I am feeling and i KNOW that it affects others. I feel so hopeless, what can I do to make things better? I feel exhausted",Suicidal +24849,"If my life is miserable, painful and lonely, and I have no energy or desire to do anything about it, why do people get so pissy about me killing myself? I genuinely do not understand how people who do not know what my pain or life is like think they know better. it is like the Dunning Kruger effect. The more ignorant someone is about my life, the more firm they are about me continuing to live.People just repeat the same retarded shit like ""life does get better"" and ""you have a lot more to experience"" while I sit here and suffer, feeling guilty for allowing these people to push me around and tell me I cannot end my life because *they* would be upset. What about me? What about when I feel upset? What about my thoughts? it is borderline predatory how people know I am lonely and alone, and take advantage of that to guilt me into not killing myself.I need to work on cutting everyone out of my life so I can finally kill myself and get out of this fucking nightmare. Telling someone not to kill themselves is idiotic and ignorant",Suicidal +24850,I cannot get anywhere. Every time I try and explain how I feel I always get cut off by someone saying something that completely invalidates it. Everything makes me want to kill myself. I even tried to explain to the love of my life how I want to get better but the constant pain of dealing with this shit makes me not want to continue living. I want help. but I cannot pull myself to get it. I feel like a child still. all I want is to die and have peace. :(,Suicidal +24851,"I would have liked to consider myself as someone who recovered - like someone battling cancer or other similar diseases. Like its been 6 years now, can I say that I do not have major depressive disorder anymore? what is damning about mental health is that its closer to an ongoing process - closer to what you might see in recovering addicts. I am having my first major relapse (depressive period) in almost 6 years. My initial depression was something I did not recognize- something I was not consciously aware of. Honestly, I did not know of another way of thinking that long ago, and thought my life would always be like this, Id always feel like this.. its a miracle I lived as long as I have. With the help of a counselor who was able to change my perspective, a psychiatrist and developing a support system, I was able to overcome the lowest of my depression and finally feel. normal?Now, I know what both feels like. What is normal and what is abnormal. I have had some small bumps and up and downs throughout time, but nothing major. I was always self aware enough of what negative patterns start to lead me to a downward spiral. I have maintained medication and self-care habits to keep me from the edge. Right now, I am in a major depressive episode. I do not know what happened. All of the sudden I was thinking of killing myself again. It first started actively thinking of ways to off myself. I could not think of anything else. Then, those thoughts started to think in the background. I was grocery shopping, looking at fruits and trying to think if I wanted an apple, then I was hoping that something would happen and kill me there. Its this weird disconnect where I feel so self aware of these thoughts unlike before. Like I know I am moving slowly. I have to think about the next step on refilling water than just doing the entire process fluidly (open lid, think next step, ok put lid on side, ok what is next, ). When I sit and stare at a blank wall, part of me wants to laugh because I know what is happening, but I cannot stop. I am still self aware mentally, but my body cannot take the action to start moving. I know its the symptoms of my depression, and I want to laugh everytime I notice it, because, hey its there and I know it is, but it will not go away and its making me do weird things like staring at blank walls for 12 hours. Another thing I have noticed is when I talk to other people, its not a seamless experience of reacting to emotions and providing non-verbal cues with verbal responses. I am taking in the information, putting everything I have into listening, then I have to think about what you said then decide how I should act. Like I am thinking about whether to frown or how to show concern on my face, then I can finally maybe think of something to say. Its like this very unnatural experience to try and stay normal. Sleeping regularly is something that I used to take pride in. Now I cannot sleep until the sun rises, but then to try and correct my sleep, Ill wake up 3 hours later. Ill feel so tired (both physically and mentally) until about 10pm, when I finally feel ready to accomplish a (small) task. From 9am-10pm, I spend my time trying to gather some form of strength to move, to accomplish something, to do dishes or laundry or really, anything. Now that I am not a teen or young adult anymore, and as someone who now has a career and a job where other people need me, well, its not going good to say the least. there is no real end to this because there is no end, and I am currently suffering from an depressive episode. I feel close to a crisis but also feel too aware and cannot just let things be like this. I guess to end this, would be some advice or help? I am in so deep that doing simple things take 10 hours before I can do it. I try to think of things I used to enjoy doing, but cannot even fathom any enjoyment in them- I.e., hiking- right now, its just a lot of effort to look at some effing shrubs and trees. What were the small things you have done to pull yourself out? Thinking of taking medical leave and seeing my psychiatrist seem like an impossibility daunting task right now. Relapse ramble & support?",Depression +24852,"and yet it has not gotten any easier to deal with, i still struggle every single day and have not learned how to get over these feelings. wanting to kill myself has been on my mind for so long it just feels so normal to me now",Depression +24853,"Sometimes I get really upset for no reason, and I keep in this mood. I do not know if it is a frustration overload or whatever. But I get a lot of hate overwhelming me, and I cannot truly unload that feeling, so it keeps corroding me.I just isolate myself in this situation. And think of moving out to somewhere else. it is happening again and again. A lot of hate inside me",Depression +24854,"So like i live in a real shitty town and constantly go on walks at night hoping someone will start following me. I wish someone would so i could like act tough and trick them into killing me, i just want them to shoot me so bad Title i guess",Depression +24855,"Its almost 1am.My partner of four years, fianc of two left me and the kids without a hint or a word a little over a week ago.Music lost its sound. I listen to the playlist I made with him in my heart as I felt him in the music, and hold our baby and cry. Food lost its taste. All the meals I loved to make him are a burden to my being. Cooking used to be something so special to me.My heart lost its piece. I feel like I am empty inside. I feel dejected and alone. But... its like he was never here. I do the things I think I am supposed to, but I still cry for him. I have moved on. Hit Tinder. Told my ex I never stopped loving him... which... I have not. I do not give up any love I have. But I am his dearest friend, and for some fucking reason, that killed me just a bit more. I would be dead right now if I did not have two beautiful babies, and a dream with them. I have to keep pushing on, but tonight is fucking hard. I do not want to wake up to that panic I feel when I realize hes not home. I did a little more every day. Just... hurting right now.",Depression +24856,"she found it on accident and could not help but read it since it said ""I am sorry mum"" in big letters at the top lol.she told me the day after she read it and I have been just kind of in shock since, i cannot bring myself to read my own note again and I have forgotten most of what i wrote already. She told me i wrote about being a burden and how my absence is better than my existence and that even if she does not accept it, I am doing her a favor by killing myself. She told me its not true and told me that she loves me no matter what.i do not know why I am writing this, i kind of needed to vent. I am not angry at her since i know it was an accident but that text was one of the most intimate things I have ever written and i did it on a moment in which i was very vulnerable and i do not know if i feel embarrassment, regret, anger.... i do not know how it makes me feel and i hate it, she has not brought it up again and probably will not but i do not know, i feel like something is different now mum found the suicide note i wrote last month ""just in case""",Depression +24857,I am a make and I am 16 and I just broke up with my gf. When I was little I was touched by a girl in my school and she kept doing it even after I said no. Although I told my close friends what happened they told me I was a loser and that I should have liked it. Sometimes when I go to sleep at night I can still hear there voices telling me I am a loser and my recent relationship did not help. During the relationship I felt like I was more of a therapist than I was her boyfriend and she dumped all of her problems and issues on to me and expected me to be able to make her feel better every time. This made me feel horrible about myself because anytime I did not make her feel better we would have an argument and then he would say she was wrong and apologize. We have had more than 60 arguments over our 6 month relationship. And anytime I would ask my friends if I should break up with her they would say no. But during my last two weeks of school my parents told me I could not call anyone or play games so my grades would stay up. The same friends that told me not to break up with her told her to break up with me for not talking to her. I broke up with her because she wants me to give her 6 hours a day and anytime I ask for time to myself she would see upset. I hate myself right now and I do not know why. I have cut myself multiple times and have to pretend like everything is ok when in reality I am 5 seconds away from breaking down. I do not want to seem emotional because I feel like my friends are just going to tell me I am overreacting and it is not as bad as I am making it. I am scared to tell my parents because I feel like they will see me differently. If anyone could give me some help I would love it or at least some advice on what to do I would love it. Sorry for the long entry. Recently have been thinking about killing myself a lot,Depression +24858,"I denied it forever and now cannot even verbalize the pain or helplessness; I am just the lost one. Its just a never-ending feeling of dread and despair. No family, no real friends, no hope. I hope no one else ever feels this.. my forehead and chest are filled with lead and there is no possibility to elevate either. I swear I am the only person to be hung up on by Suicide Hotline 3x. I had some good times before but I have not had any positivity in years. Where do the old ones go when everyone discards them? I guess they just disappear so they do not bring everyone down. did not think I was in this group, but I have hit the wall.",Depression +24859,i just wish he knew who i was. and talked to me. i need to talk to him. or I am killing myself. i am going insane. i am killing myself tomorrow. i need to talk to him but i cannot. i do not know how to say it without sounding crazy because i am going crazy.,Suicidal +24860,"Hello guys. I was on meds for my suicidal depression for 6 months. I quit meds 2 months ago. Meds caused loss of libido and morning wood. I measured my hormones and it turns out my prolactin was extremely elevated due to antipsychotic and antidepressant I was on. This can because low libido and loss of morning wood. In the past two weeks my libido finaly started getting better (even close to normal) because I am not on meds, however my morning wood is still scarce. Two days ago, I remembered my psych ward experience and prolactin elevation and I got furious and depressed to the point of not being able to work and do anything.My libido during these 3 days is non-existent. Is this normal? I am not on any meds now (for 2 months now). Is it normal to lose libido in extremely depressive episode?",Depression +24861,"Made a new Reddit account just for this. I was directed here from r/depression. I read through the rules and sidebar and want to make sure I am following everything. So here it is: I have a desire to die that has been growing in the last few months. Thinking I want to die is like a mantra I ruminate on through out my day. I do not have previous attempts, just previous depression and family history of depression. I have ideas of how I would do it, but I am not happy with them. I would want find a way my wife and young kids would get insurance money (seems tricky), and I would want to be found by first responders so that no one I love is traumatized.I have admitted to myself that thoughts are serious enough that I should try to get help. I know intellectually that my wife and kids require my continuing existence for their well-being, despite my feelings I am just a paycheck and a living household appliance. I know there are lots of other reasons to live, even if none of them feel compelling right now. I mentioned my suicidal thoughts to my brother and he encouraged me to take advantage of psychologist services through my work benefits. I tried booking an appointment but their openings were only for weekends. I chickened and canceled as I do not want my wife finding out and worrying. I need to try again somewhere where I can get in during the work week. I should also try talking to a doctor about antidepressants again. I took them for several months during a bad stretch 15 years ago. I was really interested to learn from the subreddit wiki that seasonal suicide rates are highest in the early summer. This makes me feel better, knowing I am experiencing this with other people. I will hope to make some more posts on here or figure out the Check-In posts or something. My feelings of being a burden extend to therapists and Internet strangers, but I will try. First post admitting suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +24862,"Day 3 in the thickest of it.Twice in the last few days I have tried to OD, on my sleeping pills, it does not work. Never does.I am losing so much time here, I cannot tell if it is been minutes or hours anymore. My room is pitch black, I like it because it is cold. I have a heavy itchy blanket on - it is soothing, in a way.I did eat last night, chips and a battered sausage - if I do not eat over a few days my family get funny with me. The last thing I need is that.I showered on Saturday, I think? God that is gross, I am gross for it. This constant self punishment. I have not taken my medication yet today, every day I am finding it harder and harder to take. It sits on my bedside table as a near constant reminder of my inability to function.People keep telling me that going on the meds was the right thing, seeking help was the right thing... In the ten years since these spirals begsn I have never felt this bad. This alone. This pathetic.there is football on today, I am not interested - but then you would know that-. My friend wants me to go over to hers to watch it, so I know I will shower today and be able to get out of my bed. Socialising helps me - I say help- it distracts me, I can put on my mask, the mask I wish was permanent. she is happy, she is funny, people like her.I have started to notice that I am loeing myself more and more when I drink. I blackout so early, but sometimes I blackout when I am sober, is it the meds?I wish this would just stop.No, I am not going to try and end it, again. I do not have the means too, maybe I will get lucky and be hit by a car or stuck by lightning. Day 3 in the hole.",Depression +24863,I am starting to make my driving license now. After I passed I will start to have some good months cruising around. If life still sucks then I am planning to crash a tree.Fuck my jobFuck my anxietiesFuck society and money Driving license,Suicidal +24864,"I was really depressed before i started taking them, and i felt they helped a lot. Eventually i felt I got what I needed out of them, but now that I have tapered off of them i feel better than ever. Better than before i started tapering. Is this normal? Medication was mirtazapine. Feel better after tapering off of my meds, is this normal?",Depression +24865,I am going to do it now. Just lost my only friend. Now i have no reason not too. Should I cut or hang myself? Which would be easier in your guys opinion? Maybe both is the way? Maybe I am so lonely and fat and ugly and alone that I deserve all the suffering. I am so jealous sucidal mfs with friends. They have reasons to live. WHAT DO I HAVE? I HAVE MY FAT FUCKING UGLY PIECE OF GARBAGE ASSHOLE FACE TO KEEP ME COMPANY. FUCK IT I am DOING I am going to SHOW THEM WHAT THEY DID TO ME. MY ABUSVIE SHITBAG EX MY SHITTY FRIEND GROUP ALL THE BULLIES AT SCHOOL EVERYOJENI HATE THEM ALL So lonely,Suicidal +24866,"Death is easy. I do not know where I came up with this philosophy but I did. It mainly stems from the belief that at any point in life one can escape to any point in human existence. Life has only ever been a reassurance that this is fact. The only thing one cannot overcome is time(age) and this is limited. I am highly suicidal. But any time I truly contemplate it I consider my options. I would much rather run away and dig wells for people struggling to live without clean water than to eat a bullet. I could go kamikaze on the homeless population and solve one of society's problems from within. (fucked up but falls within human experience.) I could be selfish and quit on family and throw my life into helping any one of hundreds of suffering communities. Fuck I could set out to end the war on drugs by becoming the biggest drug supplier in the world and then destroying the organization from within. If you are contemplating suicide, consider how to best spend your life, it could take 20 or 80 years to accomplish what you want, but make sure yours is a life well spent. In all of human experience there is ALL human experience.",Suicidal +24867,"I have stopped looking forward to days because each day is so boring . I am in college and I study , I cook ,diet and work out . Other than that , I have nothing going on in life . Any ideas as to what I can do to feel more occupied ? In self quarantine . Bored ,lonely and nothing interesting to do .",Depression +24868,I think I might have dysthymia. I have been feeling depressed for years. I also think I might have social anxiety. Doctor prescribed me Zoloft but I am scared of side effects so much. What to do? How to deal with dysthymia?,Depression +24869,I want to dissolve into nothingI feel empty and voidI do not feel much of anything reallyMuch of anything other than nothingIm worthless and invisibleNothing matters Nothing matters,Depression +24870,"I feel suicidal and have suicidal feelings but I do not think I actually want to die. I want things to change and I cannot see that happening. I know I will not kill myself because I am too afraid but every week I tell my therapist I am suicidal and she asks me if Ill do it and I respond with I do not know when I know I will not. I want people to take me seriously and get help I need. I think I have a disorder or something that is undiagnosed probably bpd or bipolar. I feel like texting my therapist today to say that I am going to kill myself so then she will send an ambulance and they will help me. I do not want to end up sectioned though. Please help??? My therapist and I already contacted my gp and told them I need a mental health assessment but they just offered antidepressants when I want a diagnosis not antidepressants because sometimes I do feel happy I think this is not right for me. The thing is I am desperate and I feel bad because I feel like I am attention seeking because although I do not think Ill ever go through with it due to fear I do feel suicidal. Sometimes I wonder if I am even really depressed maybe I am just sad. My mood swings give me imposter syndrome, what do I do? Some background info that is probably relevant is that my whole life I have suffered tremendously with my mental health and my family have invalidated me. They told me there was nothing wrong with me and still do now. Please give me advice I feel like a bad person and a monster. Am I bad or attention seeking?",Depression +24871,"I am still drunk from it. It all hurts, do not try to overdose. I fucking timelapsed it. The camera is still rolling lol. Fuck I felt so happy too idk bipolar ig. idk why I am even writing this, post suicide-attempt euphoria ig. do not killyourself kids that is how my friend died. If your sad cuz you do not get pussy do not worry it do not even feel that great. I got to go to work soon lmao. Ily all gn. I just tried",Suicidal +24872,"I currently have no value to anyone other than sentimental value. The love my family has for me comes only from the fact that I exist. Their lives would be no worse had I never been born. there is only one person I can say for certain I had a life changing impact on. Because of what I did, her ability to trust people will likely never be the same. My confession is in my previous posts. I also hurt my ex-girlfriend by being a constantly anxious and socially brainless fuck as well as a generally terrible boyfriend and person. I have repeatedly failed every mentor I have, and I did basically nothing in the last two years. My grades have recovered in the last semester and while I think I might still be able to live a decent life overall, I do not think I deserve it. I am a piece of shit who has stagnated in every area and I am more of a collection of vague desires to master skills that I never made any progress on despite having ample time than a person with a personality. I hurt people and wasted years, and I think I could have had a great life if I were able to rewind and undo the damage I have done and unwaste the years I have wasted. It bothers me so much that I probably could have had a great life and did great things and never had hurt people and scarred them. I do not think I deserve to live long and a decent life because I have squandered and misused the gift of life. My victim does not deserve to live a worse life just because I was a dumb horny idiot, but she probably will and I cannot stand it. She does not deserve to see how I am probably much less affected by the guilt than she is by the broken trust and trauma, she does not deserve to see how I may live a happier life than her despite her having done nothing to deserve that trauma while I am punished only with guilt far less crippling. On the other hand, my family definitely does not deserve the emotional loss from my death. I would give my mind, my body, and my future if it meant I could again be someone whose name does not bring up bad memories for people. I ended up half venting and I hope that is fine and you still read my wall of text I might still be capable of living a decent life, but I do not think I deserve to be able to live one because of the permanent damage I have caused others.",Suicidal +24873,"Everything I do is wrong. I follow something, I am too literal. If I do not follow, I am stupid. Fck this. Ik its too early but I want to die. The razor is near and Ik 3 inches deep within the wrist ill definitely be at peace. I am a fckng failure",Suicidal +24874,"do not get me wrong, suicide is not on my mind 24/7. I quite enjoy living, my life right now is more than I could ask for. No more emotionally abusive ""parents"".No more being shouted at. No more being told I am insane for the smallest things. No more being told that they are worried that every little thing I do will make me more depressed.But. When people get angry with me and shout at me. I relive the very pain I have spent my life trying to get away from. How much it made me feel like being dead was better than being shouted at. My childhood trauma makes me think suicide is the best answer when I am triggered. My trigger is when people shout at me. And when they make no sense. No sense as in. e.g Teacher shouting at me for a string being out. I do not understand why she felt the need to shout instead of asking to just put the string away.And how the her apology was so shitty. Because she backed up her shouting saying that she, can shout at whoever she wants. Because she is a teacher. And that asking why she was shouting is giving her attitude. And continuing to shout at me when I said I have trauma.I hate being confused. It makes me question myself, my worth, everything. The smaller me would always try to reason with me saying, that I am in the wrong. But with childhood of always being told I am in the wrong via shouting, guilt tripping, manipulation and sometimes physical abuse/fear. I hate it. So much that I would rather die.Other times. I am fine. I am content with living. I enjoy lighting the fire every night that warms up the people and the house.I enjoy learning new things. I enjoy hands on work and understanding how things work.I sometimes fear I will hang myself out of impulse. I am so vulnerable when I am triggered, that I will try to laugh, but I cannot and my chest will start suffocating me. I will forget to breathe. In almost a sorry attempt to die. I hate that my mind tells me to self destruct whenever something goes wrong. Whenever something goes wrong, I am more prone to impulsively attempting.",Suicidal +24875,"I do not understand why I feel this way. I thought I would be happy that people want to help me and uplift me but I hate it. I hate the idea of people caring for me. It always sounds like some lecture when they tell me I should stop smoking or that I should not talk about myself the way I do. I just want to be left alone.I do not care about myself. I do not have self worth. Just leave me alone and let me slowly kill myself.I am trans ftm so I was already setting myself up for this kind of depression. Especially since I have recently started testosterone injections which, if you did not know, one of the side effects includes depression. I do not even correct people on my identity anymore. Not in the work place or in public. I just sit with the discomfort and keep thinking that I will never be in a position where people will recognize me as a man. Not with the way my body is built. I do not know what to do anymore but I know I am perfectly content with slowly destroying myself. I have been lying to my friends and coworkers about smoking and treatment. it is just easier. I am so tired. I wish people would stop caring about me",Depression +24876,"What can I say? I did not get the job offer that I did two interviews for, and I just feel a sense of loneliness tonight. I do not know what to do or who to talk to. I was doing so good a couple of weeks back. I felt as though I was beating my mental illness, but they are back in full swing. I was going to bed early, eating small things for breakfast. But, just like that, it went downhill over the weekend. I just feel as though its just going to get worse. I Feel Awful Today",Depression +24877,"So I guess I am posting this because I feel like someone will read this and be able to maybe help or relate to me. For the past I do not know 8 months I have been in a constant state of self loathing and depression, I always get bullied for being overweight and for not doing sports or going out but due to covid I cannot and I always feel like no one wants me and that everyone would be better off without me around. Alot of my so called friends do not do anything to help me or always try say that it is not that bad or it will get better but it does not feel like it will ever change. I just do not know why",Suicidal +24878,I really need to express some thoughts to somebody Can someone talk to me for a minute?,Depression +24879,"Hey guys,I have been struggling with pretty severe depression for about a year now and have tried several different medications with very different results. Currently I am on Lexapro and am feeling the best I have felt in years but what do I do now?I feel like a bit of a she will and like I do not really know myself, and I do not know what to do with this newfound energy. I just spend my days sitting in my house and going to work. Looking for advice on how to successfully manage and work out of a big depressive slump once you start getting some momentum. (I live in Aus, so we have very minimal Covid restrictions) My medication is working- now what?",Depression +24880,I cannot even crank out a melody these days I just wanted to be good at one thing,Suicidal +24881,"The future is scary. I have no energy or will to work anymore. I have been unemployed for close to 2 years and it feels like forever. I am not dead broke but I am not rich. I am scared I really am. Depression stole my soul it is nowhere to be found. I am so lonely too. All alone in this hell. Loneliness is annoying because its not like I can just go and find a gf easily. that is normal people shit, I am too depressed to be interesting. Depression makes me boring and have no energy and be so careless, so I am scared for the future. I think of suicide all the time but I am too damn scared and already failed that I am so scared",Depression +24882,"So the last week my sis was mentioning struggling with her mental health. (We live with each other. ) It started with me coming home from work to see her looking as if she had been crying for a while and saying she was not feeling great. I asked if I could do anything/how bad it was. She said that it was not great but she would be fine later. Gave her a hug and assured her I was there, loved her and would help her in any way she needed. The next morning she was saying she might need to got to the ER. I feel so My sister in a hospital for her mental health.",Depression +24883,"It is so damn funny to me that the world keeps revolving, things do not change and stay the same. That the world goes on and on without mercy. So oblivious to what remains inside my mind. What I go through. Its so funny to me that when I am gone, soon, the world would still stay the same. Only a close few will weep for the selfish reason that I do not have exist anymore. Without a thought of how free I would be of the troubles I have been facing. Without caring that I am now free.Or maybe not. Who knows what happens after were gone. Its so funny to me",Suicidal +24884,"I have been dealing with depression for a very long time. I think that the worst part about going through depressive states is when you finally feel happy, you go in with your life and then depression hits again. When I am out, I when I am having fun and then everything crumbles. Like a switch in my mind, everything is dark, nothing feels right, there is a discomfort to exist and it just gets hard (for me at least) to wake up and do my daily life, then the feeling of guilt attacks me because I have not done anything with my life.I hate this, I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling selfish. I hate not being able to be happy and there for my loved ones. I hate existing like this, its an exhausting feeling of none stop cycles of up and down. Feeling very depressed",Depression +24885,My life is such a mess. I have no friends no family no support system. I am living out of motels. Not by choice.. I do not have anywhere else to go .I have an Addiction and I cannot stop it is killing me. I just need help I cannot do this anymore I feel like I am going to kill myself one day,Suicidal +24886,"We cannot compare the amount of pain that we experience. Everybody faces hardships and struggles to make it day by day. We have different views and opinions and some people that are so hated are likely misunderstood. The light of Jesus is where we go to seek help and have a feeling of comfort. We are to love each other and have a minimum of a mutual understanding of each other. This is what I grew up to believe and I realize that it is a lie. People try to make it a competition and it does not matter what values you uphold or how pure your heart is. People want to see destruction and observe it like a movie while they snack on their popcorn. If you do not have even a nickel in your pocket, you are not worth a second of thought. But if you have even five dollars in your pocket, people will craft a new mask to put on their face in order to get close to you to reach into that back pocket of yours to take what little you have and insert a knife into your back. Not everybody has something wrong going in their life but rather had too much good in their life to understand how true human emotions work. They can go and stomp on your heart, shove all their riches and mental stability in your face, and make you grovel in pain until your will to live is thinner than a spider's web. People will fight to show you that they are right and that everything should revolve around their mindset and make us into mindless symbiotes to be bent and manipulated under their will. that is why we have politicians bending the truth and blinding us from the truth that we can no longer see under the pile of garbage they piled onto the world and presidents and rulers who make decisions that affect millions and make the big shot calls that could devastate many. Religion is the one thing in history that has lead to conflict and disputes on the origins of life and what awaits us after we die. We cannot comprehend everything in the world - let alone the ever-expanding universe. So why create a truth? Simply to just make us feel better with death and blot out the fear of the unknown. People are absolutely disgusting, violent, manipulative creatures who think they are superior to each other and find it necessary to better themselves through the destruction and torture of others. To all of that, I raise my middle finger to and hope the day comes when complete extinction of the human race comes upon us. Our Hearts Are Made of Glass and Minds of Clay",Depression +24887,"it is been a long fucking 23 year shitshow. been abused multiple times, had lies told about me. almost had my entire life ruined by my own family. thought things were getting better. moved, started college. now everything hit the fucking fan. first, my mom's car stopped working, leaving us with no transportation. now she has to spend loads of money just to take a fucking uber to work and back. we will not be able to afford the rent this saturday. she said i would need to get a job and help. I am enrolled full time in summer classes and am absolutely swamped by schoolwork each week. so I am giving up. I am tired. i want my rest. i hate to leave the few people who give a shit, like my boyfriend, behind but i cannot see myself making it through 2021, much less the rest of the summer. goodbye world, thanks for dealing me a shit hand. tired, been struggling too long. giving up this week",Suicidal +24888,"I tried to kill myself many times for more than a decade with no success. it is so hard to do it because I am such a coward. I was never good at anything. Maybe I should get cancer and die a honourable death. Even If I manage to commit suicide, people will say I am weak and selfish, treat me with contempt. Patients diagnosed with cancer are showered with love and praise. They can die with dignity and self respect. Sometime I feel I should get cancer and die...",Depression +24889,"My crazy blackmailing stalker Ex found out my alt profile and texted my current girlfriend who I see as my other half, who is insecure about everything. And now she convinced her that I cheated on her while I was giving into her blackmailing and talking with her so she does not kill herself. Now it is time for me to do it. Tell me why I should not do it I have noose ready in my neck, table to kick off and I am standing beside it ready to hang myself on ceiling, give me a reason to not do it",Suicidal +24890,"you do not recover from rape and these twisted scenes i cannot seem to forget have festered. I am now attracted to a man who has attempted to drug and take advantage of me. I am a product of my past.i was only eight. I am almost an adult now, and yet my only attractions are to the worst men in the world. i hate you. destined for failure.",Suicidal +24891,"I knew I was behind in my work. I am aware of it. a family member also just passed away. I am ""fine"" but I have had a rough year. I was finally getting my shit together or so I thought.I already had critical mid year performance eval 3 weeks ago. I know what I need to work on. there is no need to say it again. My boss today sent an email that was unnecessarily nitpick-y and the rest of the day I could not smile or focus. Like...what about the stuff I did well. Now I feel like I am a worthless piece of garbage and I was emailed that critique in writing to add to my file for when they fire me. why did not my boss just ask me about that or why it was not done.I am 30 years old and here I am feeling like I have no idea what I am doing ever. I am such garbage I am going to be replaced soon. One little thing just ruins my mood and prevents me from being productive",Depression +24892,i hate how i mess things up. i just want spend time with people. i should have shut up when i had the chance. i should have stopped when i had the chance. its too late now. i do not wish to live like this anymore. i hate how i messed it up again,Suicidal +24893,"I cannot enjoy thing unless I am good at it so if I am bad ill hate trying.The things i want to do are things i cannot and i feel like it would be better to just give up then live since what the point if i cannot enjoy life.I could accept it but i will not because accepting it will not make me feel better, it would only make me feel hopeless I hate the feeling that i cannot control my limitations and that i might not be able to enjoy things",Depression +24894,"If any one cares to hear me out. I am crying and I feel like venting. I am a 26 year old woman with 2 kids 6 and 7. I feel so depressed and completely lost. I am married. I have been married for 8 years and things just get worse and worse between my husband and I. Long story short about infidelity. We had problems the first 2 years of marriage and he decided to bring one of his ex lovers to my house while I worked nights at the hospital. He said they only kissed but I could not get over it so I started talking to this guy and I kissed him but we never had sex. He hit me ten times harder and ever since he hardcore cheated on me around 3 times with 3 different women. He left me last year after we had fixed most of our issues and I was shocked he left because I thought we were OK. He started talking to this woman and he shamed me and my body and put me down so bad. He later apologized and said he made a big mistake and I took him back. We been back for about 8 months and he treats me worse than ever. The other day my car broke down in the middle of a busy street and I had my kids in the back. he came to help me and told me to pop the hood. I could not find the button. I guess I was nervous. He yelled at me so bad and called me stupid and so many names. He said I was an idiot and I should go seek help for my mental problem. Someone almost crashed me and the kids, and I felt so scared. Instead of making me feel better he made me feel terrible. My mom tells me to leave him and go live with her but I do not want to go back with her. I had a terrible childhood with her and my dad. Although they are separated, I still would not want to go live with my Mom and step dad. My mom is extremely religious and told me that If I go back I have to stick to her religion and marry a man from the religion and I will be restricted to hang with ""world"" people which are normal people outside the religion and I would not go live with my Father because he is a narcissist who emotionally abused me, my mom and sister. Also, was violent most of the time. I cannot run to my sister because she is emotionally bruised too living with severe depression. My aunt advised me to use my husband and finish my college degree and get a job and leave him but sometimes I feel like I am no smart enough to do this. A lot of questions come to my mind like? what if I am not smart enough to finish school and get. a job. Sometimes I just want to runaway and leave him but I have no where to run to. I feel so lost and depressed. he is a narcissist as well. Not as terrible as my dad but sure reminds me of him. I feel lost and broken and I have no other family to rely on. I have seeked professional help but It did not help much. I do not know what to do. I just sit and cry and cry sometimes I cannot stop the tears. I feel like I am a weak person. I constantly ask my self why cannot I toughen up why am I like this? my self esteem is all time low. I do not know what to do anymore Depressed and feeling lost [CALIFORNIA]",Depression +24895,"Everyone always let us me be around them because I am quiet and when I do talk its usually funny. But the more I talk to people the farther we grow apart, so its not like I have friends but friendly with people. Part of me wants friends but also I am just a waste of time for other people or the extra when they need people but that does not really happen anymore everyone is moved on to real friends and lives with real jobs and families and responsibilities. I know I could not handle the pressure because I have like 2 responsibilities and still cannot take care of them or myself lol. idk this just makes me sad because I want to be apart of the real world but idk how. idk what I even want to do or be or what I am besides a failure.Also the worst part about being a 24yo virgin is having to explain to my grandparents why I am not married and have kids yet when all my cousins around my age do. Like idk I have tried but I am bottom of the barrel and every girl I have talked to has better options. Everything is miserable and I do not want to go on, but I want my little bro to have more people in his life to replace me. I am just trying to stay out of the way",Depression +24896,I have been beaten down by the world. I never get the help I need when I try. I have been a piece of shit to the people in my life when I know I want to change that. I have no motivation to try anymore because it all leads back to where I am now. All I can do is hope that I do not wake up in the morning. cannot take it anymore,Suicidal +24897,"I was doing really good. Fixing my sleep (i go completely nocturnal), feeling hopeful, and one bad fucking thing happened and now I just feel it all crumbling away. I am going to stay up all night and think on my old suicide plan from months ago before I started recovering. Recovery is fake Feel like I completely relapsed again",Depression +24898,"Ever since I fell into this depressive episode I cannot handle any responsibility no matter how small or how important it is. I keep my phone on airplane mode all day so no one asks me to come and do anything. I have not reapplied for university courses because I cannot fathom how I am going to handle that if going to the grocery store gives me huge anxiety that I cannot handle so I just do not go. I literally sit in the same seat in the park for 16 hours each day with a bag of chips and a bottle of water, just waiting for the day to end. I used to be highly motivated with multiple hobbies and going through Engineering school. Now I have lost all that and even worse, I have lost myself. cannot bare responsibility anymore",Depression +24899,I made an appoint to enter a facility to help. I am scared as hell though Finally did it,Depression +24900,I used to have everything.Friends who always wanted to see me.they disappeared.Had a girl who loved me and I fucked that up.I had plans to start a family.To be better than my parents.I ruined it.All of my friends say all these good things about me.But everyone is close to me end up leaving.On of my friends called me an angel yesterday.I do not feel like one.I have this hole in my chest that I cannot seem to fill anymore.Out of all the things I have lost.I think I deserve this. I am nothing anymore.,Suicidal +24901,I feel really low and sometimes tired alot lately and sometimes I have passive suicidal thoughts but the thing is I am in my early teen years and I have anxiety so I do not know if it is just hormones/anxiety making me feel like this or if I have depression. How do you know if you are depressed?,Depression +24902,To start off I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and I know I am currently depressed. But I have no idea why. I am in a happy relationship and live in a nice apartment with everything I could ever need. But I find myself remembering the past and being fond of memories that are long gone. Looking for things that I know are not possible. Feeling unhappy in a relationship that is anything but that. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it because everyone is going through their own thing. I have been thinking that I am stuck and I thought I was finally getting out of the funk. Just to be kicked back in by a random late night Instagram scroll. Idk what I am feeling,Depression +24903,Been trying the whole online dating thing have not had much luck. I have zero social skills or anything interesting about me. Now I am just tired of of it. I feel like my whole life I lived a very boring mundane life never had any friends I always been a loner and now I do not think I can take it. Seems like there is no end to it. Feeling lonely and tired of it,Suicidal +24904,From where I am from you could get jailed for suicide attempts so i never had called the number. My friend did however many years ago when she suspected she was pregnant. I am scared if I call the number the police would arrive to my house and arrest me. I do not know where i could get propper help. I was hoping to wait till I am 18 to work and get propper help but I am not sure if i can wait till then. Questions about the suicide hotline.,Suicidal +24905,"in the late evening when I am lonely and feeling like crap (and drinking), i need a (metaphorical) warm blanket. elliott smith often fills that void.I have never found a replacement. ever. gravitating music",Depression +24906,"just over a week ago, a good friend of mine killed themself. they would been struggling for months, but it still was not exactly expected. wed talked less in the past month or so, but we still were super close and it devastated me to hear the news of their death. after the grief set in i remembered that wed made a promise nearly a year ago, that we would stay for each other since wed always be good enough reasons to stay around. clearly that worked out for us, and it reignited my own thoughts of suicide. they broke our promise, so what is stopping me? I have seen our friends handle their death so much better than i expected, so how bad could one more be? I am just stuck i guess, and pretty much the only thing keeping me here is all my fears about dying (but not the death itself, long story short) with my friend gone, i do not have much keeping me around",Suicidal +24907,Long story short 5 years ago my friend high on cocaine and drinking got into a car accident from running a stop sign on a country road. His neck broke instantly causing a instant death and mine fractured amongst other injuries and even to this day I live in pain. It took a long time before I was even told my friend was dead.Got a settlement for it. Wasted it all gambling. I literally gave the worth of my dead friend away to crooked casino owners. He would have wanted me to do better with it.I guess I just miss him and feel at fault.Check other posts for more of what is going on in my life.. just this alone makes me want to die I miss my friend and I feel at fault Friend died in car crash next to me PTSD,Suicidal +24908,"Okay, so my job is seriously fucking with my mental health at this point. I work as a grocery store cashier, and when I have to work the front end, its fucking miserable. Now that we do not have to social-distance anymore, the place thinks its okay to pack us employees and customers together like fucking sardines, and because I get anxiety from strangers being too close to me, I am fucking miserable. All that, on top of scanning a hundred items at a time lacking mental stimulation and draining the soul out of me to begin with. Its all just a miserable experience.I do not want to die. I really do not. I have goals and dreams, things I love about life, things that make me happy. A future to live.But I am spiraling. I cannot just get another job; between not having my drivers license and social anxiety making references an impossible thing to deal with, my literal only two choices right now are to either keep living this miserable experience or once again live a meaningless one where I lay around and do nothing with my life. I really do not want to die but I am spiraling into the belief that its going to be the only way out of this misery. Its getting worse by the week. I am actually starting to get scared of myself.But tonight, on a whim, I watched a video I took recently, of a moment where I felt truly at peace. I was playing lofi out of a speaker and laying in the grass, watching cars leave after a fireworks show.And I was reminded that its those little moments that I love so much about life. That even after a miserable shift, Ill keep getting to live these experiences if I LIVE.I am still struggling, do not get me wrong. But its things like that that help keep me afloat. I am hoping to either get my drivers license, work up the courage to talk to the HR manager about my anxiety issues (that feels less likely), or start seeing a therapist soon. kind of had a little bit of a turnaround moment",Suicidal +24909,I went to the highest floor on my flat which was the 17th floor. I had a breakdown on there and i was trying not to? I do not want to die but I feel like I have to. I cannot focus on doing something because the thoughts lingers in the back of my head. I do not want to have to call someone to ask for help because i know i make them feel helpless. I am scared. help,Suicidal +24910,"So like I feel like I cannot break and I am trying to sit with the emotions but it quickly keeps shifting negative and almost panicky. I have kind of been under a lot of stress for me since like March so I may be about to burn out too but before you go tell me to see a dr I have no cash, I was in the red but someone paid it and I feel super embarrassed cuz it was my responsibility but I was having a depression episode. And I know part of it was my fault for having hope that something would work but whatever, lesson learned, everything is disappointing. I am also just really stuggle good financial wise and maybe my adhd but basically I am really just struggling and because I may have been gaslighting into not trusting my own experience, can you all just share yours cuz that help point me in a direction (from direct people) and maybe speed up this process. No medical stuff, just your or known experience. Hi I think I either just disoriented, ruminating too hard or had an anxiety attack? But idk how to just feel like complete crap",Depression +24911,"I am trying my hardest not to slip into the ""everything is hopeless, I hope I die"" hole that I was in for so long. My emotions are everywhere. I feel like getting upset or crying is admitting defeat. I wish that I had a shoulder to cry on (literally and figuratively), but I feel like that makes me weak. I have to stay strong, but it is hard. it is getting tougher to keep my depression under control",Depression +24912,Basically what is the safest method in case you somehow fail to commit suicide properly? I really want to but I am scared of being ''saved'' and having even more problems on top of my unbearable life. Thanks. Safest way,Suicidal +24913,"I have been crying each night for the past week and its only been getting worse. i feel such intense despair it feels insurmountable. i genuinely feel there is no way to get out of this, besides death. not any other way that i have the energy to try anyway. my family is becoming more and more of an afterthought rather than a primary concern when i think of my suicide. i feel like I am getting closer and closer to getting an exit bag, slitting my wrists and falling asleep in the bath. being dead sounds magnificent",Suicidal +24914,"I have a few friends all in the same DID system, I only say that because it becomes partially relevant , not going to say names so Ill probably be sounding kind of distant.Recently something happened and a protector in the system informed me that one of them is at a risk of suicide atm. She gave me some good tips on what to do (to keep him talking) and same for another person (told me to reference them to a certain app). And the Littles .I am really concerned this is going to happen, I want to know exactly what to do incase.Should I call someone? Should I just leave it between us? I do not have any experience with this- thethis r parents are really horrible, and will probably make things 100x worse, should I tell my parents ? (Were minors if you did not guess)Like, what are the steps to take , both regarding how to talk them down, and how to get helpAlso I just- would not know what to say. I am horrible at keeping up conversation as Is, now someone is life depends on it.The protector did say she will try to keep him from fronting to stop any damage but I do not know what will happen ,I am scared :(Thanks for listening to this mess, idk if it makes a lot of sense . //Tw for suicide just in case // What to do if my friend(s) is about to commit ; through text?",Suicidal +24915,"Ironic right?My therapist kept telling me that I should go to open places, meet new people.However, I just feel more lonely.I see all those people being happy, and then there is me. The more people in the room, the more lonely I feel.",Suicidal +24916,"I was diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 8, since then its only gotten worse. I am 19, hopefully soon to be a sophomore in college but my grades were so bad last year that its up in the air whether or not I am keeping my financial aid. I just got kicked out of my student Microsoft account so I have to call them tomorrow, if they tell me its because I lost my financial aid I think that will be it for me. I am only alive for my dog, at this point I know he would be better off without me, he just does not know it because I am all hes ever had. No one, friends, family, professionals, takes me seriously. I am numb most of the time now, I do not think I can really feel positive emotions for more than a few minutes when I am sober. I got my EMT certification but I want to move away before I start to practice, I wanted to get my paramedics before I left but if I lose my financial aid I cannot go back this semester. I do not have nearly enough money to leave this god forsaken state and I just got fired for something stupid so its not like I can save up. I finally worked up the ability to call a psychiatrist and they hung up on me when I was put on hold and no one has called me back almost a week later. I am spiraling, every night is just distracting myself from downing my pill bottle. I do not want to keep going, the only thing keeping me here is my dog and the fear that what comes next could be worse. This life has nothing for me, even if I end up making something out of myself Ill never be able to enjoy it. I do not recognize myself, my eyes look dead and I can barely eat. I am mostly living off of water and green tea water bottles, I do not have the energy to leave my bed more than an hour or two total everyday to pee and exchange a few words with my mom or grandma. I am just waiting for something to push me over the edge, it was not getting the repressed memories of my molestation back, it was not getting fired for the first time, it was not getting hung up on while trying to get help, I feel like its coming soon and I am too tired to keep asking for help. I am not planning on living past 29 unless I can find something worth living for, that gives me 10 years but I know I will not make it that long. I have no one that loves me besides my dog, hes old so he will not be around much longer either. I know for a fact that when I find his body Ill be gone before the end of the night, I cannot exist for myself and there is no way Ill ever find a dog good enough to replace him. I do not know why I am writing this, maybe its just something so no one can say they did not see the signs after I am gone, maybe I am looking for support or understanding, idk. Maybe I just wanted to talk. How am I supposed to keep going when I know it does not get better?",Depression +24917,"I have tried a couple different SSRI medications/ doses since october. i still have intense & lengthy episodes of depression & occasional mania. I am feeling my self destructive urges & suicidal tendencies coming back. just moved cross-country into an RV and am currently looking into getting help & possible diagnoses for other mental issues. i feel really out of place, alone, stagnant, and unwanted by almost everyone in my life. i also think that i really need to take a break from the internet and find myself and focus on getting better. especially because the people i talk with online seem far less invested in me than i was with them. it hurts. anyways, I am going to try and do that. wish me luck. and best of luck to all of you out there dealing with similar things. you are not alone, you are heard, felt, understood, and loved. thank you & best of wishes to you all. taking a break",Depression +24918,Maybe I want to end it... Maybe I do not. But if I do what is the fastest way to go? Fastest way?,Depression +24919,"I feel so empty inside. I lost the will to live. I am freaking 24, still friendless, still a virgin, uneducated working a dead end job. I want to fucking disappear. I check my phone hourly even tho I have no friends. Just staring at this blank lockscrren is depressing loneliness hurts so much",Suicidal +24920,"I do not know who to talk anymore because I know everyone is going through a hard time. I just want to let it all out. My country just went to second lockdown because of delta variant, and shopping mall being closed down. My clothing business which already getting bad since the first lockdown now finally collapse. I tried hard to keep it going but now things is already out of control. Now I am sick and I cannot do anything for my staffs. I felt so bad and I cried every time I remember them. I have no family who depends on me so they are like my family. My business is not that big but it still fails. I feel like a failure and a disappointment. I just do not know what to do anymore. My business went bankrupt because of covid and left me with a lot of debts, and now I am sick",Depression +24921,My life just lost all meaning.fuck I want to die so fucking bad Life,Suicidal +24922,"I have seen crushes of mine go out with attractive girls, attractive girls at my school club be liked by everyone just because of their face, etc etcIm so fucking tired of lookism and this judgmental society. Attractive people get treated 10 times better",Suicidal +24923,"For context, my best friend of 6 years is going through depression. they are also in a super toxic online relationship which certainly is not helping, but that is a whole other issue. My contact (texting, hanging out on PS4) with my bestie has been significantly reduced due to their depression. I want to know what I can say that will help them. Or what I can do to be there for them. Thank you loads! what is something that would have helped for you to hear at your lowest/near lowest point?",Depression +24924,"I (20NB) have been growing out my hair for 6 months now and I really liked it long, although because it was curly hair Id have a ton of problems maintaining it. Despite this I was pretty happy with my hair, I really enjoyed having it long and wished to keep it that way. I decided to go to a new salon that was advertised to see if I could get a specific style because prior to this I had not had one. I showed the hair stylist a reference photo and they said that it could be done through a permanent hair styling treatment, I was skeptical but she sounded really convinced that she could do it. I decided to do the treatment for 4 hours and started to become doubtful midway through, however I trusted the process and thought my hair stylist knew what she was doing (after all, I thought she was a professional at the time). She ended up ruining my hair, and it was nothing like I wanted, she insisted that with a haircut it would be fixed and it ended up looking even worse. I found out afterwards that the treatment was very costly despite the initial price she had told me. I hate myself for not thinking before agreeing and now I have terrible hair. I am considering just cutting it all off and starting over, waiting for my hair to grow back. I am just extremely depressed about it because I really wanted to impress my friends and classmates with hair that I loved, but now I have to start from the beginning, hating the way I look.I am sorry if this is a jumbled mess, I had already been suffering from depression and was starting to feel better but this just feels like a huge block in the road. My hair was ruined today and I hate myself because of it",Depression +24925,"The whole story is a lot to type out and a bit all over the place. Long story short, none of the 3 people I considered my best friends are friends with me anymore. I am struggling on day 2 trying to not think about how I have been there for them and would do anything for them. I have never done anything to hurt them, yet I let them hurt me countless times. I know that you are supposed to find ways to cope and feel better. My family is helping the best way they can. But it is hard when I considered them my family, my life. My brain just will not let go. I just hate it. They act like getting fed up with me and not being my friend was going to magically stop the depression. I also do not use the internet a lot. All of them were in person, did not live too far away from me type close friends. What I am trying to say is this post alone is a big step for me. My Bffs got sick of ""always"" hearing about me being depressed when I have always been there for them",Depression +24926,"Hey. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. Or not. No use in putting this off further. I am Forrest. Or Wes for short, if that is what you would prefer. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was about 8. Or I suppose even less than that. And there is just something about being passively suicidal that is been helping me realize things throughout my short-lived journey. Everyday I find things and reasons on why I should end it right here and there. Despite how I do not see the world in rose tinted glasses, I consider myself idealistic, even. I would refuse to let my anxiety get the better of myself. I wake up early in the morning, try to do everything I am supposed to do. Actively try to enjoy everything that I am supposed to. Friends, family, school, hobbies... And you know what? It worked. But there comes a time that everything just falls apart because somehow, that shitty feeling just crawls its way back to you and finds you again, further terrorizing your life. To be fair, it is always been there. On that span of years I did make plans but most of them ended up with me crying on the floor and calling myself a coward for not going through it. Everything I thought I lived for was no longer what I lived for. I existed for it. If I did not do constantly fine, there is something wrong with me. I know that this is not the case at all. But every fiber on my being just says otherwise. And I hate it. I hate how I cannot control it. But do I actually hate it? I do not even know anymore. I have became too numb because apparently trying to live takes everything out of you and drains you. Now I only try to exist. Wash my face in the mornings and do well, get straight A's. Because that is all I know. that is all I know to do. I do not know what else I can do. I guess I do, but I do not have any means to do it. I do not want to admit it but I am scared. I am scared to do anything different. Though we do not always get what we want. Look at me now, an empty subhuman husk. Everything in my life is slowly plummeting. Things I thought I lived for was just me trying to act like I am human. That everything's fine because I am scared of not being fine. I know that everyone has their bad days and all that but fuck I cannot control what I am scared of. And I hate it. Each passing day I come with the awareness that there is something perpetually wrong with me and that I probably need help. But I cannot get help, due to personal situations, even if I wanted to. Of course, I am young. I have so many years ahead of me. So much time for change. Again, it does not feel like it. And I hate it. I hate feeling. I have become so overwhelmed by it that everything in me just shuts down until my body brings it up again and now I am a depressive mess. I am constantly stuck in this paradox of knowing that everything's going to be fine and hating otherwise. Because that implies that I am not alright. I am a mess. But I do not want to be a mess. I cannot accept being a mess. For years I tried to desperately to escape it and try to get all the support I am supposed to get. Family, friends, school, hobbies... Even that failed too. Maybe I am not just doing anything right. I just want to pretend that I am. Because my silly brain's been conditioned to think that its just the world that is wrong and not me. Deep down, I know that there is something wrong with me. And the feeling part of myself that I do not like agrees. Hell maybe it is neither or both. Who knows. I can try thinking about it but I would end up with a non-definitive answer. Again, my name is Forrest. And I am 13. I am a good student. I have no social life and my social skills are stunted. And what you are reading is one of the suicidal notes I made. I have been orchestrating my suicide note since I was 8. I do not want your sympathy because it is probably too late for that. Even then if I were alive, I would not want it. I want you to understand. My vague suicide note that I wrote on a depressive episode",Suicidal +24927,I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die,Suicidal +24928,"I do not know what to do, I have a creative mind and I enjoy making various forms of media but I have a lot of projects I want to do. I have written a few animated TV shows, they are both based on some part of my depression but I have no faith that my ideas will ever see the light of day, I have ideas for games that I want to make, while they are simple I have no one to bounce off of and I have no idea what I am doing in the process. One could argue that I could just animate and produce my projects my self, but that is easier said than done. And for the video game stuff, people could argue that I should just look up tutorials for everything I want to do but the thing is tutorials do not exist for everything I want to do, at this point I just need to suck it up and learn everything possible about the coding program but its so much time, So much time that is already taken up by bigger priorities.All of this hurts, I have gotten to the point where I genuinely believe that I will never see my ideas come to light. If I just had money I could do everything right? I wish it was not this way, I wish I could just think of something and make it the exact way I see it in my head, but I guess I am now just stuck hoping I become rich one day despite my disabilities and can pay other people to make the things that I see in my head.I often feel very suicidal just thinking about dying one day without ever bringing my ideas to life. Will I ever make it?",Depression +24929,"I am feeling like there is no hope in my life. Everything is just bland and worthless. No one loves me. I really want to die.that is why I wrote this song.Yesterday I failed my suicide attempt, but I regretted the moment I felt very close to death.that is why I wrote this song.I still want to live, just not this life.So even if no one reads this, I wrote this song....Somewhere thereSomewhere thereI know that there is a placeSomewhere thereWhere I am no longer replacedSomewhere thereTheres a castle made of sweetSomewhere thereI can live inside my dreamsSomewhere thereThere are no cuts on my armsSomewhere thereThey cannot do me any harmSomewhere thereMy depression is all goneSomewhere thereI am no longer aloneSomewhere thereTheres still love inside their heartsSomewhere thereI do not have to live this farceSomewhere thereI knew that I could surviveSomewhere thereI still want to be aliveSomewhere thereSomewhere there I wrote a song",Depression +24930,"I am going to rant. What I want in life is to be loved as deeply as I think I love. And I do not know if I will ever get it, only because I am selfish and I am always going to want more. Or one day I am get it and it will be unhealthy for me. But I want to arrive at the end of my life someday and think about how much I have loved and how much I have been loved. I want people to be sad and I want people to remember me, not for what happened when I was there, but the emotional hole that I have left on their life. Like even now I fantasize about dating a girl, or making friends with a guy, and being so close to that person that when I leave, or am pushed away, they will always remember me because of whatever effect I had on them. And I want them to be sad about it. I think that is as best as I am going to be able to describe it. I feel like I am constantly holding on for dear life on a cliff and my grip is about to run out. there is just a constant strain to do anything. there is just a pull in the back of my head constantly weighing me down, so I am constantly feeling that and thinking about that, but then everything else just happens. Things have just been happening and I have just been there to experience it. Like I cleaned up most of my yard untill I got tired, then I did the kitchen, then I did the back yard. I do not think I made that much of a decision to do those things but they happened. Cutting myself too. I only recently figured out that I am doing that so that I have the scar and I can see it. And it sounds dumb saying because why else would you do it. But I just have been. I have always focused on the quality of my cuts so that way they leave a scar but. Everyday feels like a one note day, and no matter what happens, or what connection I make with people, it resets the next day and I forget. that is another foggy thing I think. Spend a very busy day at the carnival with friendsx go home and sleep, wake up and only have four real things that I can remember from that night. And I do not know if that is everyone and I should stop expecting more or not. Like everything is underwhelming and I want more. And not matter what I do nothing changes and idk. Scary :/ How do I function",Depression +24931,"Gambling ruined me. Gamblers anonymous over the phone or zoom sounds absolutely insane and things still are not even open here in Ontario.I give up. If I was not such a coward Id already be dead. Its easier for me to just not function at all until I get really ill. Its normal for me to not eat or brush my teeth for days or even up to a week at a time when it comes to hygiene lol and either I stay up all night or sleep or sleep for like 30 hours there is no in between. I hate being social. I hate the thought of a job that does not consist of me sitting behind a screen. I have no education, live with mental health issues and I am better off to just relapse on meth or drink daily then actually try to fix myself. I cannot take the pain anymore or thought of having to live like that once again so I just lay here. One day I will get the courage to end it all. Life with no money and no friends",Suicidal +24932,"I am work burnt I know. I have severe depression and dissociation. I am so tired of worrying about bills. I am so tired of not being happy. I am tired of being tired. The only thing really stopping me is the man beside me, but I hate bothering him with it because he has so much crap to deal with at work. I feel like I am just a complete bother to him and anyone I talk to. Part of me wants to just take out my .380 and just drink till I am not scared. The other part of me wants to pack my truck and let everyone be happy without me. Then a small part of me wants to quit my job and just play Xbox and get drunk all day. I am tired. I am really tired of being alive. Why should I have to work 50 hours a week to pay for shit to survive, when my brains fighting me every step of the way?",Suicidal +24933,I am just tired of being here and the people on this world. My friend got killed over a fight before he could even finish high school. I have seen a dude with part of his brain and head blown out. I myself have been shot and left for dead over a phone. My family uses me as a scape goat. Everything that goes wrong they yell at me. I cannot go one day without being yelled at made to feel like I am worthless and a mistake. I try reaching out to people but they do not seem to care. As soon as I mention I want to talk about something serious they stop replying. At this point I am just done. I have lost hope. I just cut myself and watching the blood run down my arm was the closest thing to relief I have had. I just want to cut my arm from wrist to end of my arm and just bleed out. The pain feels amazing compared to the mental pain and losing blood feels so good. I think I am ready to go. I have experienced life and it has been nothing but pain and being used. For me I have nothing to stay for. I have lost hope.,Suicidal +24934,"I feel as if the main reason I have been depressed for so long is bc I have never been able to have friends/rship my whole life. I am starting to worry I might never have friends, and I wish I could just accept it and learn to be happy being alone. Any tips on how to do this? Improving depression without friends?",Depression +24935,"TW-deathI honestly cannot grasp it. it is my boyfriends step dad, and I knew him personally. I am waiting for someone to just tell me ""haha it is a prank! they are actually just staying somewhere else for a while."" I knew this person who passed away. He was an abusive(emotionally too) drunk to his wife. I am so used to being scared of who is opening the door, and that if it is them what are they going to tell, what are they going to do? I am so used to locking to door in case they come into the room and break something. I am so used to worrying about his wifes safety. He isolated himself in his workshop. He was the only person other than his son to have the key for it. Today, I was out with his wife, and his wife's friend, and one of her sons (she as three, and one girl). We went to go get tabs and a license plates for one of her cars that was not in use and did not have plates because her husband took them off. her husband took away her keys to her main car, and bank cards. (He let her keep the capital one with 3,000 limit, but it was used so maybe like 1,500-800?) When we came back to the house, and went to the back of the house near the shop there were police, and an ambulance. His son found him after checking on him, since we told everyone he isolated himself on the 4th of July. His mother said he is no longer alive. We later found out he must have been drunk (he had no food in the shop, had tons of alcohol, and stayed in there for two days, PLUS no water), slipped, and fell on his head, bleed out and died. After this, everyone was more lively, and his kids were not worried about anything. Yes everyone was sad, but his kids were more social. When he used to be around they would not come out of their rooms except for dinner. The two kids who have rooms down stairs would stock up snacks from the kitchen when he was around, and stayed in their rooms since there was a bathroom down there. The other two kids would do the same, and only come out to use the bathroom that is it. His wife did not love him, and did not want to be with him, we were planning on getting a OFP, but she did not wish death upon him, only to get him away so he cannot emotionally or physically harm her. I still have a feeling he is out in the shop, or that I am dreaming. I cannot grasp this is real either. I still feel like he is going to go back and forth from the shop and the house with a bottle of sailor Jerry's cradled in his arm, and yell at his wife that she is a piece of shit, and that he hates her. But, all of this abuse has now come to a stop. She can now progress with her life, and find someone who is a lot better for her. I also feel like I am not allowed to cry, because my mother said I cannot feel sad for the death of others if their not family. I kept blanking out when we came to the back of the house. The scene of everything happening. For the first time ever, I experienced someone die in my life, and I felt what it is like.",Depression +24936,"I am tired of the ""ups"" and crippling ""downs""(I would not say ups, more doing things that distract me long enough to not feel bad). Nothing makes me happy long term. Whenever things that do make me ""happy"" happen, like conventions, ALWAYs lead to a nose dive of depression afterwards.I understand that that is life. That all good things mush come to end. But that is exacly the point. There was a quote from a show that I will never forget, It goes: ""that is exactly it, are the best parts of life just finding momentary distractions to keep yourself busy so you do not think about the harsh reality of life for a second? I can ride roller coasters, meet new friends, and spend time with my family all day long. it is does not change the fact [that]... all of this was for nothing.""I cannot watch anime and avoid most of favorite shows anymore. I see a world full of real adventure and. Not just what people think as adventure in real life. They have a quest, and objective, something that no one else has ever done. The MCs have friends who actually care about them. I cannot make any friends because of my Paranoid Personality Disorder. NO matter how hard I try I just cannot make any new friends. I have tried therapy but nothing has helped. I do not want to touch meds anymore because I have tried them and they made me feel worst. No matter how hard I try I just cannot make any new friends. I do not want to live the rest of my life being this alone. I crave people to hangout with but my PPD is so crippling.Even beyond all my mental illness, I just do not see a future economy I want to be a part of. I do not want to have to constantly be burnt out just to barley survive. Everywhere I look, I see young people totally drained. What kind of life is that?The fact that 78% of people live paycheck to paycheck, cannot have savings, half of college graduates are unemployed or underemployed, I just do not want to live like that.So, to that end, I have made ultimatum. I have just 2 years. If nothing improves I am going to die. But before I do there are something is that I want to do before I go. I have already started putting together a death playlist. Songs I want to listen to before I go. I have already thought about my suicide note I am going to write. I have a list of people that I am going to write them too. Many would say that life is worth living, and that you will never know what the future holds, but, honesty, if you do the same thing from different approaches and nothing changes, you really do not have a reason to hope. ""But if you die,then all that you will know is a painful life"" Not really, because I will be dead. As far as I know, there is not an afterlife. You just die. I have given myself an ultimatum. 2 years. If nothing improves I am going to die. Maybe life just is not for me.",Suicidal +24937,"Hear me out...I suffer from MDD and suicidal ideations so I can deeply relate to those who posting herel. I have done tons of soul searching (therapy, SSRI's, ketamine treatments, etc.) and have come to the realization that my soul and purpose is to big to conform to this ""mortal"" body, which is why I am having such a hard time trying to fit into this ""earthly mold of existence"". What if all of us suffering from mental health issues are this way and long for peace because our souls are having a hard time fitting into these bodies? What if we know peace, crave to be home, and know there is more than just this earthly being? Maybe that is why all of us are having such a hard time? Because we know it does not have to be this way?And before anyone gets all religious on me I was raised in a very conservative Christian religion, have dated Muslims, Catholics, and all other religions but religion just is not for me. My peace in this life lies outside of conformed religion, and more in a spiritual realm.Just something to think about and put into a different perspective of why we all truly struggle so much. What if we are all just starseeds?",Depression +24938,"Everything that i enjoyed doing now bores me, life pretty much stopped being worth it with all the pain I am experiencing every day, pain that got 1000 times worse due to a recent breakup, losing her meant losing the only source of happiness i had got leftBut still i cannot decide if i want to keep living or not, i do not have any hope left that things could get better, but at the same time, something tells me that maybe i should hang onIm relapsing on self harm again, but at least i have gotten myself off drinking for the time being, i really do not know how much i will be able to not drink again. I am replacing the booze with other means of self harm, i do not think any of this is working really. But well if i cave in and go down the bottle i think you can expect a final goodbye here.I am just stuck in this weird limbo, why cannot i just decide and end it already, maybe I am just a coward I am not sure if i want to live or not",Depression +24939,"its been like this for some years my apathy towards my own life just keeps increasing overtime if i was left to my own devices i woudlnt mind starving to death. i just graduated from highschool and i honestly hate the work mentality of turn your brain off for 30 years and then you can start living again. if my parents told me to off myself i would i hate being a bother to anyone but i also do not particularly care for other people, I deeply hate unecessary stuff so going to work just to live another day in which you will work again seems so fucking pointless without a clear goal. I have tried to find things i like and stuff to keep me interested but its all temporary soon enough i forget about it and ill just start thinking about suicide. I am too lazy too keep on living at this point I am basically being kept alive. I just do not care about anything and i do not have anything to look forward to. I do not have a goal nor a reason to keep on living. i do not really want to kill myself but i would not care if i died either i would actually be happy.",Suicidal +24940,Please give me ideas of what to do other than that. I do not play video games anymore and have been rejecting social meetings with friends so I am looking for other things to do and hopefully I will feel better and go back to going out and stuff. I took sick leave and vacation leave but it did not help since only when I was completely alone did I feel like I was improving when family was around I felt worse. I just lay in bed and watch movies and sleep all day,Depression +24941,"I just want to do it, I have no one to go to, I am young, but I really do not have anyone to look up to. My dreams were already crushed years ago by my parents. My family constantly makes fun of me. People do not really care about me nor am I important. I am a nobody. Nobody really supports me. I wish my parents told me they loved me. I seriously just wish one person told me they loved me while meaning it. My dreams and goal will never come true with a childish mind like mine. I have been bullied since I were young, I am done with everything. I wish there was a painless way to die. I really hope I die in my sleep tonight. I do not like it here.",Suicidal +24942,"there is nothing I know that I can help, as hard as I try I always come back to wanting to end it. Why cannot I be someone else. Everything in daily life is too much, it screams back to me about how how defective I am. Why do I have to be here. I just want to be taken out already. I hate everything about myself.",Suicidal +24943,"my life. has been. the worst. in the past 2 years, I have been r4ped, had an abortion with a catholic family, been shot at directly with a gun by my ""friend"",a man tried to abduct me/put me in his truck, my sister went into a coma for 2 months and was clinically dead for a few minutes, been physically abused in everyway by my boyfriend, figured out I have a seizure condition that will kill me within 10 years (or less)wow. a whole paragraph. When I think of the past 2 years and I go through the things, ill be sad, then remember something random like having an abortion, or being raped. The fact something so unbelievable traumatic is forgettable compared to everything else... just wow.what is wrong with me. why am. why is my luck like this. Its not like these things are all done from one person. everything was a separate group of people, or in different parts of my country. The kidnapping thing happened a few days ago when I finally got the courage to work out/go on a run outside and not be scared of people. that was the second day I did that in years. and a man tried to kidnap me.something in my life is not right. something is off. I feel like I am being a human guinea pig been tested to see how far a human can be pushed.I want to go crazy. I just do not want to be in control anymore. I am tired. I want someone to take over my body so I do not need to anymore. I GIVE UP. I GIVE UP WITH THIS. I do not WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. I have been suicidal/depressed ever since I can remember. At a certain point I do not care about hurting my family, I just need to put that empathy aside for once and care for myself. If this is all a game I quit, whoever is doing this to me YOU WIN. WHAT CAN I DO. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO I do not want to be alive, but I do not want to hurt my family",Depression +24944,"I am going through a whole lot... I do not have any family, and the one person I cared about died years ago. I helped my mom commit suicide. it is a very long and complicated story but that is important to know. I have had suicidal idealization for years now because of it, I just want to die nearly every second of the day. I found my soulmate, and I feel like I can talk to him about anything. he is told me not to bottle things up. But recently he is been telling me that he feels similar feelings... But refuses to talk to me about it. I do not know what to do. I am trying to be patient with him, but it makes me feel like I cannot share my emotions without just making him feel bad. I want to just bottle my emotions inside until I finally have the courage just kill myself. Boyfriend tells me to share but he refuses to.",Suicidal +24945,"I am think I have had it pretty good actually. Nothing seriously terrible has happened to me so far, except for maybe one. I have seriously fucked up several times this year, unknowingly, before it was too late. I cannot get over it, even though I have been told I have come a long way from being that version of me that was constantly fucking up. And everyone around me is suffering so much, and they have real problems to deal with. I get really stuck on that for some reason, I feel like its pathetic that I am so absorbed by misery every single day and not a more happy and successful version of myself. I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say yes this is a real, valuable person I like. I cannot seem to see myself other than this hollow, spoiled she will of a being, whether I am or not. At this point my physical health is starting to slip a bit, I have been drinking more but not eating or sleeping very well. I am not sure where to go. I just do not want to be here, I want to be gone. I am sorry if this is incoherent I am a little out of it at the moment. Its getting to be too much, I have been contemplating ending it.",Suicidal +24946,"If you are reading this then i finally got the courage to end it all i know this is not what you wanted and you may blame yourself but you really should not i believe i was born fucked up and just like how fish give birth to thousands of babies expecting a few to not make it i am just not compatible with the world i have always been a outcast and a waste of the world's resources and i have been waiting to end it all sense middle school being unhappy for so long really fucks you up. And even though I feel upset that this is the way my life went and that I did not get to do the fun things other kids my age are doing, I cannot help but feel happy that I will not have to be a wage slave to continue being miserable until I die of heart disease or cancer. In this part of most suicde notes they write to people who care for them but the only person i have is my dad who is most likely a little bit happy i am gone i mean he is going to be a little sad but over all my death will be a net positive i will not be a burden on him anymore. Today he asked me if i had a plan for getting my driver's license but he kept asking if i have a plan my plan is to take all the mild anxiety meds a friend gave me a then hang my self in the garage i wish i had a less painful way to go out but what is 1 day worth of pain vrs a whole lifetime. I have never been much of a writer but I guess I could rewrite my story here in how I wish it went. I was born randi keene in a small town to 2 happy people who loved eachother very much and would work hard to provide their son the best life his mother would always pack him a school lunch and let him know that she loved him and that his worries were not stupid and that he was not alone. Randi would do well in school and have lots of friends who would care about him and would always have his back on the days he did not feel his best. Randi would never feel like he needed to starve himself or binge on food; he would never have serious thoughts of self harm.Randi would exile in art and theater and would go on to have a fulfilling job in the animation industry working on movies from disney and pixar. Randi would go on to have a successful online presence and would be loved in his circles. He could create anyworld he wished with just his own mind and his artistic talent. One day Randi would meet a wonderful person who would love and support him with the things he loves. They would always try to have a positive outlook on the world and would encourage randi to be his best. They would have a wonderful medieval style wedding. And would not be afraid to express things they like without guilt or shame.Together they would never have to worry about money, they would always have just enough. Their children would become well rounded individuals that always felt loved. Randi would go on to create video games that were well received he would die happy and loved by many he would have a large funeral and people would mourn his death he would be remembered for his kindness and success as an animator. I like the story I made. I know it does not have a lot of struggles but i do not think you need to fight a dragon to have a happy ending.i hope my story comes true next time my note. sorry for spelling errors i am stupid",Suicidal +24947,"Should I link their username? Or the post? I do not know the proper way to do this, I just freaked out and want to encourage them. A guy on another one of my posts posted a comment about a bullet being put in his head would make his day better. Can we show him some love? I want this person to know their life matters",Suicidal +24948,"I want to start by saying I do not have clinical depression. Everything is just falling apart, and I cannot handle it. My situation is fucking screwed, and when I try to make it better, it seems I only make it worse.I want to die, really. I have wanted to end it all for years, but have been holding on to one thing after the next. Now, I have got a daughter I am trying to be there for. she is the only thing keeping me here at this point.I am in denial about things, and I am like aware of it, but I feel like it is worth being in denial. it is not like I cannot handle the alternative, but I just do not want it. I know that if it comes to it, I will just keep on going, but God damn do I want this.You know, the worst part is I finally set myself up for therapy when I finally hit rock bottom. I am still at rock bottom, but since that day I put in the paperwork/application(last Thursday, today is Wednesday), it can take up to 3 weeks to even get the clinician. I cannot handle what is going on in my head for another two weeks, and then wait to even meet the person, and get fucking help.I started whipping myself with a belt again, which I had not done since 2018. This time, I upgraded to the buckle. My back is incredibly bruised, and sore. But I like looking at it, and I like feeling it in the moment. It makes me feel clear, and like I am being punished for all the fuck ups. I feel like I deserve it. I tried to earlier, but got stopped, because I said something I should not have because I was not thinking.And I am so fucking selfish. Since shit hit the fan, I have been focused on myself instead of what happened(which was to someone else).. But they do not want to talk to me about it, so I am stuck. I ask questions about things that have a concern to me. But this person is the only person I can even ask! I cannot ask someone who does not understand the situation, and I cannot ask the person who does, so what do I do with these feelings and concerns? The only thing I can think of is just punishing myself for even feeling.Fuck, if I could I would go right now and beat the shit out of myself. I am perpetually fucking up. I try to work on things, and then continue to make things worse. I feel like a bull in a China shop, but the bull keeps trying to put the broken plates back on the shelves. I cannot fucking handle it",Depression +24949,"My best friends plans for summer were to spend as much time with me as he could, we got out on may 26, he spent time with me 5-6 times, I have changed a lot because of it, I am not a happy bright person because of it, he does not like it do he is doing what caused the problem to fix it, not talk to or spend time with me, all he talks about is how much fun he has with his friends, I hate I want to have fun 2021 summer memories to :( all I have is laying in bed waiting for him to talk to me, play animal crossing everyday by myself, not eating, crying for hours and I started having a really hard time walk and stuff. I just want someone to talk to and spend time with, I will download a video game if I have to, I will watch a show, anything. I just want to make memories with summer I have left to look back at and smile please I want summer to be over",Depression +24950,"I did not really know what to title this. Turns out, I had another note in my phone. I deleted that though, so this is the only one you have to read. I really hope that nobody resents me after I do this, but that is out of my control. Even right before I die, I cannot stand the thought of people hating me. The thought literally makes me sick. I would say I am not really feeling anything at the moment, but that would be a partial lie. On the inside, I have no emotional reaction that I can feel (which I usually can). But, a song that means a lot to me just came on, and I started to cry. Its called Might you, and its in my Spotify likes, aguyss well as my Anime playlist. Can you play this song at my funeral? Its from My Hero Academia, so not many people there (if anyone shows up) will understand the context, but its a good song even without knowing the series. Its 11:09 pm right now. I do not know how long this note will take me. I guess I should say sorry to everyone, but there are surprisingly few people that I talk to. Really, its only my family and people at work. that is kind of sad. Mom and dad, I am sorry that I could not be the daughter you dreamed I was going to be. Frankly, I am not your daughter at all, since I am (was?) non-binary (neither a man nor a woman). Please do not refer to me as your daughter at my funeral. I do not care if that will confuse any relatives. I love you guys. ******, I am sorry I was such a jerk. I am really sorry that I would pick on you, and fight with you, and overall annoy you every single day. To make up for it, you can have all of my stuffed animals, as well as all of my snowglobes. I love you. ******, I am sorry I did not work harder to be closer to you. I am sorry I was a little asshole when we were growing up (which is why you hated me probably up until you went to Italy for that period of time). You were a great older sibling, and I wanted to be just like you for a long time. you are the reason I got into art, even though I have not really drawn anything in forever. do not be afraid to be yourself, even when it seems like everything will go wrong if you do. I love you. *****, you cannot read this. I do not even know if you can read honestly, and you probably will not understand what is going on at all. Autism sucks, huh? I would not really know, because I do not have it. Anyways, you can have my lightsabers, and my Spiderman pop-out painting thing. And my iPad, if you want. But you have to share it with ******. I love you. All my coworkers, I am sorry if I made everything about myself. I am also sorry if I made any of you uncomfortable, or if I overshared a lot. I did not really know how to cope with things (obviously, since I am dead now), and talking about it helped me process things in a way. You are all really nice (well, most of you. Some of you really frustrated me), and I hope you go on to find good jobs and live good lives. I considered a few of you really good friends, though I doubt you thought the same of me. Cinnamon, Laura, and Ella, I am even making a paragraph for you, even though you are animals and cannot read. I loved all three of you very much, and I loved spending time with you. This much is obvious, but Cinnamon was my favorite. That does not mean I loved the other two any less. I hope you three receive plenty of love now that I am gone, as well as belly rubs and scratches in your favorite places. I do not know what else to write. I was a really selfish person. Honestly, I was also kind of an asshole. I do not know why, its hard to explain, but I just was. I know my parents will be angry when I say this, but life was not great for me. Yeah, I lived in a good home (though it was really passive aggressive a lot of the time, and I never felt like my emotions and opinions were respected), but life is not good when you cannot feel much, and when you do feel it is not good. I just cannot keep living life where I am suffering in silence (was I silent about it though? I do not know. I am not that self-aware). My emotions did not really work right, I have nearly acted on a LOT of intrusive thoughts, and I often made things about myself when they had nothing to do with me. I guess that came from me feeling left out of things when I lived in Oregon. Speaking of Oregon, MAN that place sucked. Seriously, do not ever go there, whoever is reading this. My opinion may be biased, as I was sexually and mentally/emotionally abused from the beginning of 7th grade to halfway through 9th grade by this group of people who I considered to be friends, even though they never were. 0/10, do not recommend it to anyone. Can you make my funeral (if you hold one) open casket? Also, I want to wear a suit. I cannot really do anything if you put me in a dress, but still do not put me in one. Also, can you have non-binary flag and pansexual flag colors in some places? Maybe put a couple pins on my suit? That would be cool. Also, you can really have any food you want. Its not like Ill be eating it (Is it okay to joke about that? Its dark humor, and idk how many people will appreciate that). Anyone is allowed to come, but make sure to invite my coworkers. Oh, and do not hire a priest. I know you did not want to admit this, but I do not believe in God. Sorry if you think that hurts my soul, and that Ill go to hell, but I do not believe in that. Who are we to say what is real and what is not, when we cannot see it? Oh, and I want ***** ****** to have all my manga. You can donate the rest of my books (unless someone I know wants one), as well as my clothes. ***** can have my anime figures as well. If you want to keep it that long, ****** can have Sheldon (my car). I do not have much of it, but can you donate the money that I do have to The Trevor Project (a charity to help mentally ill LGBTQ teens). It is now 11:33 pm. I do not know when exactly Ill do it, but it will be before anyone wakes up. I was supposed to meet with ****** ******* at 1 tomorrow, but obviously that is not going to happen. Damn, this was two and a half pages. Not including this sentence, it was a total of 1144 words. that is more than my last essay for school was. I am such a coward, are not I? Only an idiot would commit suicide. Yet here I am, being a complete dumbass. Who knows, maybe Ill be reincarnated and be even worse off. Or Ill be reincarnated as an elephant or a cat. ...I cannot do this. What the hell am I doing? My Suicide Note",Suicidal +24951,"It feels liberating now because I have realized that I do not want to. Nothing to uphold, no need to be someone, to pretend. I just wish I did not matter to my family. I wish they hated me. Then I would really have nothing to lose, I would be free. I do not matter",Depression +24952,"Well. Like 1 and a half year ago I met a girl from my classroom. As the lonely person as I am I obviously feel in love with her really hard, because, you know, when no one is nice to you after many time. When finally someone is nice to you you think that person really care. Anyway, we became friends after she got a boyfriend (I never told her what I felt for her). Well we still being friends, also we are more closer friends. And, about 2 months ago we got more busy and we focused in our stuff and we get a little distant, in that two months ee only talked like 10 times (which is very few considering that we used to talk every day).Then, 3 weeks ago I met another girl, we started talking and there is good friendship growing between us, and I thought I was better because even when she is nice with me and all. I did not feel any kind 'romantic' feeling or something, as I felt with my other friend (let us name my old friend V, and my new friend K). And I thought I jave already overcame V and I was not in love with her anymore, I was very shure.And, well, some days ago, we made a videocall after more than 3 weeks without any interaction between us. And when I saw her (V), I felt weird again, and I think I fell in love with her again, or maybe I never stopped being in love with her. Idk. I saw her cute face, and those beautiful green eyes, and I could not do anything to not fell something for her again.The problem here is that, V has a boyfriend, she do not like me in that way, and I thought I was very good being her friend. I thought I had already finished with that feelings to her. I am confused. Why I still like her? I do not want to be tied to her always. I promised I will not interfere in her life in that way.The growing friendship with K made me thought that I was good again, and I could let V 'go' if I wanted. But, I dot know why I still like her. This is confusing, and I am afraid I start acting like a dumb with any of them. I just want peace, I have many other problems to worry about, this is not helping me with my depression. And also, if these means I really really like V. The situation would be very shitty for me, because she has a boyfriend and I have no chance with her. I know I would never achieve something with her, I am not her kind. And my mind is tricking me again, making fake scenarios where V is involved, and I do not even notice when it happens. This, is shitty. I thought this would never because me problems again",Depression +24953,Nobody hears me. Nobody understands me and nobody wants to try.. I get attached to stuff so easily and nobody understands why I do not know how to explain how I feel so I mess everything up. I just want to scream. I hate life. Sometimes I just want to scream..,Depression +24954,"Day 1:I do not have many friends so I am using this platform to communicate how I am feeling and maybe someone experiencing something similar does not feel alone. I am a 23-year-old adult, no job, in the fifth year of college, and has not graduated probably till 2022 and just tired of life. Sometimes I feel suicidal and want to rely on drugs, alcohol, or cut myself as a coping mechanism but I do not really want to harm myself. Neither do I end up doing any of those things because I know I will become addicted to them. I guess I want a specific part of me and my problems to banish for good and start a new like an axolotl. I never thought I would end up like this. I was a smart student with ambition in high school yet when I got out kind of lost it and do not know how to bring back my ambition and motivation. Thinking of seeking out a therapist and hopefully, I will feel better bc I am too young to be feeling like this. I do not want to be in my thirties with this type of thought bc I might just end it for real. This post probably will not help at all. It was just me ranting butty hey if you want to talk about your feelings go ahead and comment. Please do not comment on how my feelings are temporary and I will get it over it!!! lifffeee???????",Suicidal +24955,"please do not try to talk me out of it. i do not want to talk about my problems and i do not want help. i just wanted to say goodbye. everything in my life has fallen apart. i do not see myself making it past tonight and I am not even scared or sad. I am ready for peace, I am ready for this life to be over. i do not know what is going to happen after but i do not care. i have no reason to continue at this point, i probably would not graduate and even if i did, then what? i do not have the motivation or energy to go to college, or work, or anything really. the pain will finally be over and i can rest. so this is my goodbye. I am not going to tell you about myself or my situation because its a waste of time honestly. i do not really have anything else to say, i guess, the anxiety and depression and everything has just become too much. I am ready.",Suicidal +24956,I just want it to stop. Everything hurts...,Depression +24957,"I do not want to extend too much, but I do not really know what to do with those type of advices.My psychiatrist and therapist, aswell as my ""friends"" told me the same thing: ""try new or more things"".Yup, I would like to, but it is impossible for me to do something new and enjoy it for more than a few minutes. I can no longer find fun in my hobbies aswell, everything feels bad and not fun or enjoyable.This is my 6th year dealing with depression but it is just getting worse and worse, cannot afford any more therapy sessions. Last week was my 2nd suicide attempt but everything went wrong, now I am here stuck in this shitty life. ""Try new things""",Suicidal +24958,"I am so insecure, its eating me alive, the days are dull, only thing keeping me here is my family that will miss me I think I am done",Suicidal +24959,"TW: Se*ual As*ult, s*lf harmim not sure how long this will be, but I just need to get some things off my mind for the time being. so hopefully this helps? my journey with depression started in 5th grade. I was practically bullied everyday, never physically but the words just stuck with me. 6th grade came around and my depression just slowly started getting worse. this is when my long journey of self harm started (i will not go into detail) but i got to the point that id do anything just to feel something other than sadness. this is when my friends slowly started to stop talking because they noticed the shift of energy. we were kids, we were not supposed to feel this way and nobody else wanted to be around someone that was like me. because of this i turned a majority of my time and focus to social media, i stated creating anonymous accounts just so i could have somewhere to express what i was feeling. i some how got sucked into a rabbit hole that lead me to kik. if any of you know, that app had been busted numerous times because of the child groomers that were on the app. this is when i had my first experience of being manipulated by an adult. (again, i will not go into detail but this happened for months). skipping to 8th grade, I am still self harming at this point. a friend ended up seeing the marks, which caused me to just change methods. Eventually, i did quit because i just knew it was time for me to give it up. From my freshman year to my sophomore year, my depression stayed steady. I was still experiencing suicidal thoughts, but i knew i was not at risk of going through with it. I wanted to die, but i just could not get myself to go through with it? i guess its a fear of not knowing what will happen after? My junior year of high school was the start of a downward spiral i would have never predicted to happen. I ended up losing my dad, we thankfully had a good relationship. i was 16 so it absolutely destroyed me when he passed, especially with how sudden it was. I ended up binge eating constantly because it was my way of trying to cope. in total i believe i lost about 4 relatives that year. a few months go by and i start talking to this guy, we end up hanging out and this is when i was sexually assaulted aka this is how i lost my virginity. the reason i feel so guilty is because i continued to talk to him after, and we met up twice after. i truly just wanted him to want me, the movies made it seem like losing your virginity was this magical thing. i just feel like people would say that i was not sexually assaulted because I continued to see him? but i swear i said no multiple times, i tried to push him off of me, i can vividly remember what his weight felt like i felt as if bricks had been stacked on my chest to the point i could barely breathe. to this day i can still remember what it felt like, it nearly sends me into a panic attack everytime.after this, i knew nothing would ever be normal again. i remember going home showering immediately and i just scrubbed at my skin for what felt like hours. you are probably wondering, why did not you report it?. i was scared, my mom thought i had been hanging with a friend not a guy 4 years older than me. in the moment i thought id be the one in trouble. this still haunts me to this day, i always wonder if there was more i could have done. i would try to think of any excuse for what happened. anyways, i had told 3 close friends about what had happened and my guy friend said , it sounds to me like something you just regret and that you are trying to make an excuse. which again, caused me to feel even worse. after this i just kind of used my body as a way to seek validation? i was constantly having sex in the attempt to make someone want to be with me. and that brings us to now, obviously there is tons of other things but this message is just getting too long. I picked up a few addictions along the way, but I am working on it. its been rough, and i wish i had the time to tell every detail but maybe one day. I have made it to 19, I have been thinking of starting therapy, and possibly getting a diagnosis. its been rough, and to this day everyday feels like a battle. but i refuse to give up, there is too many countries i want to visit. you do not have to read, I just need to rant",Suicidal +24960,"No matter what I do something I do will make my life worse in some way. No matter how many times I exercise I will still be lonely, no matter how many times I socialize I will still be weak. There is no perfect balance, either. There is only chaos. Why is every move the wrong one?",Depression +24961,People after someone has killed himself say that he was a selfish guy .. he just thought about himself .. he did not even think how His parents will feel after he has gone .. how his friends family members will feel The problem is that they do not understand the mental state of him .. He is such neglected and isolated from his real life .. so much problems in daily life daily fights with parents about his career his studies that in his subconscious he starts thinks no one gives a fuck about him .. nobody cares Whether he is here or not .. even if he is gone there will be no one remembering .. because when he is alive there is no one who is with him .. so he just feels that I should go.. And that leads to a sucide. THE REASON WHY THEY SUICIDE,Depression +24962,"depression runs on both sides of my family (along with a slew of other shit). my parents then decided to have 2 children- knowing that based on how genetics work, we were destined to be just as miserable as them.and i resent them for it. how fucking selfish of them. my brother and i have to pay the price for their incomprehensible decisions. resenting my parents",Depression +24963,I am going to do or say something and hurt someone or get myself into trouble eh fuck i want to cut but i cannot I am GOING TO DO SOMETHING BAD EVENTUALLY,Suicidal +24964,"I was having minor si and thoughts of sh earlier, just from working 10s, constant misgendering at work, chronic pain from work (I work in a construction prefab shop) and just blanket loneliness. Then got home to find my roommates have decided to place the blame of all the mess on me even though I do a lot to clean up and it is all of us who contribute to the mess. So now it is full blown si and major thoughts of sh. And I keep bouncing thinking of hurting myself, cutting off all my hair, or texting my ex. I know some of those are not as bad as the others but I am in crisis mode. Everything is a mess",Suicidal +24965,I hate my body I hate how it looks but at the same time I do not want to die fucking fat I hate all the fat on my body I HATE IT HERE,Suicidal +24966,"Hi folks,Been going through some stuff recently. 28, in a safe place mentally. I do not leave home often. I am a loner other than my girlfriend. I quit what most would consider a great job and have just been living off of savings after telling myself I was going to leave what was making me miserable and figure out what would make me happy. I feel like it is been wasted.it is been 4 months almost, just kind of hanging out and putting shit off. I realise I am very fortunate to be in a position to be able to do this but it truly has brought me nothing but laziness to this point and I am starting to regret it.In the past I have been asked things like what is your favorite (insert food, color, etc. here), and to be honest I never have answers. it is like I never developed inward personality, just kind of feeling bland. I do not know what makes me happy.I could write a book of shit that makes me sad though. Just kind of been asking myself what the hell I am doing with my life and talk about it or whatever I guess, if that is what we do here. I am tired if the quiet. Is this really how everyone feels?",Depression +24967,"Hello everybody... Please do not tell me suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am going blind and deaf and there is nothing that can be done + i have bowel problems. I am driver so i will lost my job, i do not have much money, do not have gf or wife. I am on my own. No assisted dying in my country, and do not have enough money to travel to Switzerland to do it. I do not have a gun. How can i end my cursed life ? I know this is bad and i never thought that i will be in this position but imagine that you are in this situation.. How to end this misery... ?",Suicidal +24968,"Everything in my life just sucks. there is just so many things that are getting worse and worse. For fucks sake my moms dying of stage fucking 4 ovarian cancer. there is many other problems to but that the worst one Id say. I just want to kill myself and have been wanting to for about 5 years but just do not have the balls to do it. Only reason my in alive right now is for my mom, I cannot commit and have my mom suffer from her only kid killing them self and her dying of cancer. that is no way for her to live her remaining time. Ill probably end up committing a few days after she dies which I am content with. Other than my mom I have no reason to live. I just want my suffering to end I hate my life",Depression +24969,"So I re-watched the Elephant Man and it got me thinking; when is it actually ok to kill yourself? it is easy to say ""never"" and ""there is always hope"", but what if you already tried everything and it still keeps just getting worse? What if only thing left is just learning how to live with suffering? Is it even ok to propose someone that suffering is worth anything? When is it ok to kill yourself?",Suicidal +24970,"Hi everyone. I am here as a last resort kind of thing, I simply do not know where else to turn. I am thankful that this platform exists, I am not sure if anyone will even read this, but I have reached my capacity and I need help. To the average person you could think my life is pretty normal. I have a home, I have a car, I have a family who cares for me. But I am completely lost in life. I am 23, and when I graduated high school in 2016, I had no idea what to do with my life. My dad, who was my best friend and greatest ally, died unexpectedly of a heart attack in October of 2016. I was not only lost, I was devastated. Still am. My family still is. Anyways, I never thought I had the determination or courage to go to college, so I stayed at my restaurant job I had. I had been there for 6 years, then in May this year, I quit. No two weeks or anything. I was so tired of the same routine that happened there and the toxicity of the place, so I left. I have never thought of myself with any high regard. I do not think I am pretty, or smart, or fun. I have always seen myself as a burden on anyone who comes near me. This has proven to be true time and time again. I had a 3 year relationship with a man I love deeply, but he left me for someone else in November of 2020. He always told me I was crazy, needed help he could not provide, and so on. When that happened, I was fully convinced that I ws better off dead. i knew i did not want to be alone with my intrusive thoughts. but i kept on. kept working. kept trying. i met a few other men after that, all who further proved the fact that i am not worthy of love. All left me. I am now unemployed with rent due at the end of the month. i have a roommate who is counting on me. i tried to make it work at another job, but it became clear after my first week that i was not in a healthy enough mental space to work there. all the friends i have are too busy with their significant others to lend me some help.i feel no hope for myself. this feels like the universe telling me that i am not needed here. i want to live. i want to feel the happiness that i know might be possible for me. but i have no clue how to get there. it feels like i have no guidance. my motivation is constantly outweighed by my doubts and anxiety. i just want to have a place in the world. any thoughts or tips would be greatly appreciated, and it just might save my life. I have no money, no guidance, and no idea. If you read this, I love you and thank you. Please reach out. Julia Every day feels hopeless",Suicidal +24971,"I wish I could still care. I want someone who will just kiss me when I say I am sad. No ""that sucks.."" or anything. Just a simple kiss to let me know they love me.",Depression +24972,"I need some advice. I have so many insecurities and anxiety. I grow up getting bullied because of my body shape because I was a chubby kid. I was bullied all my life almost ever school year. Even my crush told the whole school what how I felt about her. I now have social anxiety and its hard for me to make friends because of my trust issues. I am currently 16 friendless and with no real accomplishments. All I want to do is give up and crowl in a hole. I hate myself and I now believe its because some people are just destinant to be a loser for my whole life. Everything I have ever tried to get good at I failed miserably. I feel so lonely with no one to talk to. Friendless, ugly, anxiety having loser. Some people are just meant be failures and i just so happen to be one of them. I do not want to give up though. I have decided that if by next year my life is the same Ill just end myself. No one would really care. My last attempt",Depression +24973,"I am 15, I am pretty average in almost every way, i have basically no friends, I have fucked up a lot and i do not feel like i can make up for it no matter what i do,I am snappy at the people who care about me, I only live because its better then the grief my death would because my family, I am basically on autopilot and it feels like the only emotions i have are guilt anger and sadness I have been planning on killing myself for a few years but then I have a couple good days and convince myself it will get better, I am too embarrassed to tell my parents, I feel like the only outcome is me eventually killing myself, I just feel bad for the people around me, they have no clue how shit of a person I am. i hate myself",Suicidal +24974,"Times have been hard it was not always this way before covid nor have I ever felt suicidal before I just cannot take it . I lost my house , my vehicle , my wife . I lost it all during this pandemic . Its really taken a toll on me and I am very close to giving up . Some days I go without even being able to get a meal . I have to sit outside mcdonalds to get WiFi and good . I just feel as if no one cares about me . Is this really how life is meant to be ? Wish I was not all alone . Wish I had help . Wish this pandemic did not happen . I hate my life , I am tired of struggling to eat . I am just tired . Sigh its coming to an end . I am very close to giving up",Suicidal +24975,"If today never happened, I would it was completely replaced from my mind and everyone else's nothing would be lost. I have no fun memories from today. I did not mean anyone new. I did not fix my life today. Nothing. that is fine but the issue is that you could say this about the past three months as well. I just lay around and barely do anything. I am so useless. I can acknowledge my problems but can never solve any of them There goes another day. Wasted.",Depression +24976,I go through severe depression and anxiety and when I was crying tonight and my mom came in to talk to me. She wanted to know what is wrong and I was reluctant at first but she is my mom so I told her. I was just venting and I let something sensitive slip. My parents have been divorced for 12 year and are 20 years apart making him my dad 70 now. Some of my thoughts with my depression is the I do not have the same relationship with my dad as a lot of my friends do with there is and it hurts sometimes. I also have had the worry of him having a health problem since he is a bit older and that I would have no dad and that scares me alot. When I told her everything she felt like it was her fault and she left. I feel like I really messed up and do not want her to be sad about the past of my problems. Any advice on how to make her feel better Depression,Depression +24977,"My first post so here it goes. Ill try and make this short. I am 37 and have been dealing with Gad and depression since I was 17. I have tried every medication that is out there with varying results. I have been off work since December 2 due to my anxiety and a pain condition. Things have only gotten worse with the stress of being off work and dealing with the insurance company. I am starting to have issues with my thinking, I get confused when I am speaking or lose concentration and forget what I am talking about. I feel this text may come off incoherent,I could sit here and edit it forever but this is how me brain works. As I write this I am forgetting the point of this text. I never wanted to kill my self more and had to come off Lyrica because of it I see a psychiatrist and psychologist and do not feel they understand me. I am slightly concerned I am getting to the point where I have rationalized suicide. The idea that its never ok to kill your self seems flowed to me. There must be a point killing your self becomes the humane thing to do. I understand this thinking sounds fucked. My objective is to find input on my theory or help me explain how my thinking is distorting my logic. Thoughts of suicide sucks.",Suicidal +24978,"my name is june.I have struggled with depression and social anxiety since i was 10 and i have only gotten worse.i was exposed to the internet when i was 4. i learned, well, just about everything i know now.just after i was diagnosed with a learning disorder, my depression and social anxiety were diagnosed. i now struggle with severe social anxiety and depression.i have had 2 friends that i have had for 2 years until earlier this year.they were assholes. I am glad i left them.in may i was admitted into a special ed school. i am being forced into attending their summer camp for the following week.it is terrible. it has only been one day of it and i can tell i will not make it out.i only have 1 friend. it is an online friend.my family could never know. I would have the only person i can trust taken away from me.i struggle with suicidal thoughts. i have wanted to die since i turned 11. i hatched a plan to do it in october, but never was able to.i want to die.the only things keeping me alive are my friend and genshin impact. if i lose my friend, it will fall apart. it is all too loud. the yelling, the banging, the screaming...it is everywhere. the house is too loud. i want everyone to shut up. but the family could never understand it.i came out as a non binary omnisexual to my parents in early 2021.i felt as i was being made fun of by them. they never ended up using the correct pronouns for me. they try, but it never actually happensi want to kill myself. i cannot tell anyone else.tl;dr: non binary kid rants abt their life and how they want to kts I am at my lowest point",Suicidal +24979,"i want a relationship, i want someone to talk to everyday and be comfortable with them. but i fucking cannot. what is there talking about??? i overthink every little thing i say so how the fuck am i ever going to get into a serious relationship. plus i hate the way i look. i think everyone would prefer to date an attractive person and not an ugly ass mf. i do not think I am even THAT ugly but I am just not attractive and that is enough for me to not get into a relationship. i hate having low self esteem i wish i just fucking loved myself. fuck this shit bro how the fuck do you people get into relationships",Depression +24980,"cannot help but feel the older I get, the more disappointing life is. I am 46, and I used to fantasize about getting married and being whisked away on a fabulous honeymoon when I was little. What a joke. I am on my second marriage now with a man who recently commented, I am sure the mice ate all the meat between the teeth of the knives after finding mouse feces in the drawers of the house he bought while I was up north. Really?? Is this all there is? I constantly wonder why people seem to be so positive about things. I wake up every day dreading life. Its really just all so pointless. Our yard literally looks like the set on Sanford & Son. I am constantly trying to convince myself I am where I should be, but I do not know. I oftentimes think I should not have been born. Life is disappointing",Depression +24981,"While depressed, did people notice when you were isolating yourself? What did they say or do? I recently just got out of a severely depressive episode. I am 'back' now. I have started to talk to friends again. But, I am curious to know what other people's experiences have been like meeting up with a loved one after so long. I hung out with a friend today that I missed so much. Talking to friends and family again after self isolation",Depression +24982,I am alone and broken I just feel nothing I cannot even cry or shout I just feel like a broken forgotten clock damaged collecting dust but still ticking I tried to make friends and socialize but I realized again that living a normal life is not for me I am so beat up and anxious I cannot communicate or do anything no one loves me and no one ever will everyday is the same in life my mind is constantly racing with anxiety and depressing thoughts therapy is not available to me the only thing in life I want is to feel loved and to be in good company someone I can share my thoughts with and to feel appreciated in life but that will never happen because I am a broken awkward man no one cares about me I am just another failure I just want to feel happy and to let go of the trauma I envy people with friends and a supportive family I will never get to experience that I am always alone and I deserve it all because I am a terrible human and a failure that cannot ever feel love and happiness. I deserve to be alone and broken no one loves me,Suicidal +24983,I take 1 step forward and two steps back. I do not want to be here anymore,Depression +24984,i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i fucking despise myself,Depression +24985,"I drank a disgusting amount. I know I am not going to die. It feels horrible, but mostly because it is mouthwash I drsnom. I am going to hate tooroww and I keep thinking she is going to do it someday. She might find this and thill so fu m. I wonder if no. And sad will find this abbdb see you I was trinoe . Imm not. In fresh m. So fresh see Today was the closest. I looked a lot at the train tracks.",Suicidal +24986,"I had sex with this girl, she was my first and she has ghosted me and I want to talk to her because I really like her but I think she regrets ever being with me. Can someone please talk to me",Depression +24987,Stiletto pocket knife to the stomach (stab once and pull out) or cyanide poisoning (via ingestion of 200 apricot kernels)? Also which one would take longer? Which would be a more painful way to die?,Suicidal +24988,"it is hard to explain but I am not even sad enough to be upset. I am...well regularly ready to hang myself, have the instructions handy in case, and just so fundamentally tired. I wish I even was feeling enough emotions to be sad. I feel extremely large bursts, but otherwise just...nothing. I want to be sad again",Depression +24989,On a scale 1-10 how bad was your day. Honest answers only Mental health check in,Depression +24990,"I know my little sister has depression and social anxiety. But today I heard her in the shower literally crying rivers over her music thinking no one could hear her. She was yelling kill me pls, just end my life. I just want to know what I, as her sister, can do to let her know she is loved and she will be okay and life will get better. Its breaking my heart to see her hurting and I want to help but idk how. Pls help me. I need help",Depression +24991,"Being perceived terrifies me but its been years of on and off suicidal ideation and plans. I cannot tell anyone I know or they will overreact and refuse to give me any privacy for weeks again, and that only makes things so much worse. I do not know why I am typing this. I do not actually intend to post it. But this impermanent draft is the only way I can allow myself to express it. I want to rest. I want to die. I am sick of being dismissed and invalidated when I bring my symptoms up to my parents and my doctor. I am sick of being a parasite living in my parents basement. I am so tired of existing like this. As soon as I have the chance, I am going looking for my lorazepam that is been hidden from me. Its just about a full bottle. That should be enough. I do not want reassurance or platitudes. I guess I mostly just wanted to say it. I want to die. I have for years but I have been too much of a coward to go through with it, and my past attempts got found out when I was not careful enough. I am so goddamn tired. I do not really know why I am posting this",Suicidal +24992,I think I scare my friends away and maybe they think I am creepy because I get so attached easily. Maybe I should just isolate myself and pretend that I am not real.. that I just never made any friends.. I just want to end this misery. Afraid,Suicidal +24993,i do not want to feel like this i cannot breathe,Suicidal +24994,"I am 16 and I see tons of people my age getting jobs, working on high effort projects, I am nothing compared to them, I cannot even fix my own bed.I try to do big projects but I do not have any motivation despite me having all the ideas. I daydream and do not do anything with it. I do not even think I am human honestly. I wish I was not in this reality. I want to be in the world in my head. Its better there. I cannot do anything.",Suicidal +24995,"i have not been able to cry in a long time which is way out of the norm of me. for the past month it has felt like there is something bottled up within me and it is suffocating me. but i finally did it, i cried. now that i think about it, cry is probably a stretch. i she would a tear but for those 15 seconds i felt all my anger dissolve a little. it is so tiring to deal with this shit all the time. i feel shitty. this is shitty. shit. i do not think normal people thinking about ending it all this much. i cried today.",Depression +24996,"I have to distract myself, if I do not ill think about suicide, I know how id do it, id go to a parking tower near my house and jump, I might try to go somewhere higher so id die for sure I really do not want to suffer, that would suck, I have tried therapy I hated it, I love my family they are really loving and supportive, I have friends they are great I really enjoy spending time with them, I have heard that you cannot be happy with someone when your not happy by yourself, I disagree with this I think that given the right person you could be happier, I am just an awkward piece of shit that cannot properly display my emotions, I assume I bipolar or something like it my mood changes like the weather, I am just tired of feeling shitty, I do not know if ill do anything I might just wait a little bit after all I am only 15. Thanks for listening this helped a little. i cannot be with myself",Suicidal +24997,"I feel like evrytime I start to feel good a voice in my head that sounds like me is just like ""no bitch, you are fucking worthless and delusional, nobody loves you, give up, stop trying, why would anybody love you, you are hideous, you should just fucking kill yourself, you are nothing."" And I know its not me. I know its just my brain being a cunt. But I would be lying if I said I did not believe it sometimes. Or anytime when I am about to do something important my brain just fights against me and tell me ""just do not even bother, you are going to fail."" And it just goes on and on. And its always been like this. For as long as I can remember. And ill just go silent and become really obedient and just clean or just do nothing at all. I am a really up beat person but when I get like this I just feel like a bug that is on the bottom of a shoe. Why do I hate the very essence of my existence with such a burning raging fire? I hate when I eat. I do not want to sleep. I stay up all night. I take cat naps during the day. I do not want to be anything. But at the same time I really want to do so much with my life. I feel a bit all over the place. All I know is I have depression and adhd. If I could honestly go live out in the woods under a rock that would be flippen great. I just feel like a clown. Like my entire existence is just a cosmic joke. Or a mistake. My inner voice is a bitch F27",Depression +24998,"I have been too afraid to let my young kids (7, 4, & 3) see their strong dad depressed for the past few months, and too scared to say anything.Now my wife has a new boyfriend and everyone thinks I abandoned my kids and do not love them, and I am still too scared to say I am depressed. I feel like I deserve everyone is hate and I am too scared to deal with lawyers.I could blame my childhood and parents, but it does not matter, I am losing the only humans that I love on this planet. Afraid to See my Kids",Depression +24999,i only have one way out. i do not have any options. life with my s/o is misery and probably leading to abuse but life without them is also misery. i cannot do it anymore. living with them is mostly hell but i cannot live without them so i will not. I am just biding my time until september comes and everything will be ok then. ill go to sleep and never wake up again. everyone will be so much happier and better off. misery,Suicidal +25000,"Hi I just made my Reddit account and I am wondering if anyone can relate to what I am experiencing.I am a 24 year old male and am a glasses/contact lens wearer who has worn contacts since middle school with no issues.Due to anxiety/depression/possible ADHD I have been on and off various medications for the last 5-10 years. However the majority of that time I have been on no meds at all due to adverse side effects.About 3 years ago when I was trying Lexipro I began to have weird vision side effects. At first people tried to assure me it was just my anxiety. After a few weeks on the medication though it became clear to me it was not just in my head. I was experiencing intense light sensitivity and glowing halo effects around lights that were bad enough to make me scared to drive at night. It was affecting my ability to work and have normal interactions with others. Thankfully our family friend is an Ophthalmologist and was able to see me a number of times. My eyes looked normal aside from dryness and my prescription did not seem to have changed. I discontinued taking the Lexipro but continued to experience the vision problems for at least a few weeks but finally they subsided. Mental health professionals have told me this does not make sense and that side effects should have subsided almost immediately after discontinuing use but I know for a fact it was the Lexipro.I had no vision problems after that until very recently, right after I began taking antidepressants again.First I tried Prozac and then Venlafaxine, each for about 2 weeks (I pretty much immediately noticed vision side effects which is why I jumped ship after a couple weeks). This time however it was more blurred vision and lack of clarity rather than light sensitivity. I am currently taking Anafranil and am still experiencing blurred vision and lack of clarity. Its bad enough to make reading very difficult and has made it extremely hard to concentrate. I have seen my Ophthalmologist but things again seem normal expect for dryness. I am committed to trying the Anafranil for at least 2 months (in hopes that it helps my depression and anxiety) but am getting discouraged.It seems I am clearly very susceptible to vision side effects from antidepressants. Has anyone else had similar experiences? I feel I need to be on an antidepressant but cannot take these side effects much longer. I am at a loss of what to do. Antidepressants and Vision Side Effects",Depression +25001,I am extremely lonely. Sexually frustrated. I am 26. I want to die sometimes. I want someone to cuddle with. I am touched starved. I am so lonely and angry. I am extremely angry and jealous of other people. If I do not get what I want I swear I will kill myself right now. This is seriously the worst kind of emotional pain anyone can go through. I do not care what anyone says. And no one seems to care. Lonliness and wanting to be wanted all the time is killing me,Suicidal +25002,"I (20yrs,M) have outlets I can use to talk about my problems to...I am too afraid to talk though for fear of being labeled. I am active duty military(35T,AIT status) and I feel that in a world of people who are ""hooah"" this and ""fuck yeah"" that, that I would be slapping a huge ""quitter"" sticker on myself for seeking help for something that is genuinely affecting me.I cannot shake the feeling that I have gone so far for nothing at all. I am not helping anyone by being around either. there is something wrong with me and I cannot just sit this out. it is a feeling that comes in waves but this one has not gone away. it is been 2 months now since the feeling has started and the feeling itself is one that tells me over and over that ""I do not belong here,I do not deserve to be here"".I am going to sleep on this but I genuinely think I need help regardless of any label others may put to me. My own stigma.",Suicidal +25003,"its ironic that strangers on here care more than people who know me. i have been blatantly showing signs, or at least i think i have been. I have wrote my various plans, I have started to write my goodbyes to the few people i have, not that ill send them anyway. at first i think it was an experiment, of course i was suicidal, but i thought showing and telling people would make them express how much they care or how much they want me to stay. but that is not what happened, and i think it feels even worse now because it confirmed even the people i love the most would continue perfectly fine with my absence.i wish i had the option to go peacefully in my sleep. i wish my body would just give up all at once. but its to the point now where the pain of living is worse than anything else could be. knowing my luck there will be no release after i die and ill have to live with myself and my thoughts for the rest of time. people on here are the only ones who understand and actually care to listen, for whatever reason.",Suicidal +25004,"I am depressed like you, but if there is something we do around here, is to support eachother with life insights and ideas on how to cope and survive our depression.Over a long time I have been reading (and answering) a lot of the posts in here, and there is a trend I have noticed, and that is a lot of us suffer from the same kind of depression in one way or the other. Of course our depression feels unique to us as we feel alone in this world and most certainly think we are all alone on the planet, after all - that is a big part of the depression, not feeling understood and actually not being understood.But what I have noticed is that it is often the same kind of depression, and sometimes people write pretty good advice and life tips that could be of use to us all, therefor I would encourage you all to browse the forum, read a lot of the various people in here is own stories, and most important of all - read the advice they get, chances are you will find something that helps you.In fact, that is the entire purpose of a forum, to seek advice, give advice and help out - but often people who write the tips that are really good, do not have the time or the effort it takes to re-write the same advice over and over again.So therefor I will encourage you, before you post - to SEARCH the forum, BROWSE the many stories people have - you just might find what you are looking for. If you are depressed - consider searching this forum.",Depression +25005,"I am always in a bad mood and I have to mentally restrain myself from snapping at people. Life just sucks, is there anything that makes life redeeming? Am I here just to exist and suffer, is there anything that makes life worth anything at all? My life is not working in my favor.Everything just makes me so mad, even the things that are not even annoying. I am just so angry all the time",Depression +25006,"I was doing super well. Six months out of the mental health unit. I had gotten a job and my uni course is just about to start. But I got sick and now I have been home a week and all I can think about is what is the point. Work is destroying my mental health even though I am working only 3 days a week and I am yet again on a 6 month waitlist for therapy knowing full well it will be longer than that. I do not want to attempt again, I cannot lose my job but is it bad that I want someone terrible to happen so I can just hide away from the world and have an excuse to feel this way. Been nearly 7 years man, in and out of depression. I know it gets better, I hope it will its just hard today a continuous cycle",Depression +25007,"Over the past few years alot if shit has happened to me and i have a decent bit of trauma built up, to the point where it is painful to even think about them during the time that they had started happening i moved in with my dad who had previously walked out on me for a few years. While i was in the house i thought i could finally catch a break but I did not, i felt like an object, not a human let alone a son every night i was not even allowed close the door and my room was the storage room I was barely allowed my phone and i was not even allowed to have a call that was not him or my mother which made me feel worse, every day if i screwed up even in the slightest i had a 2-4 hour long lecture, i was told i have no purpose, i was told I am not going to make it in life, i was told that i will not make it to college and i was told that I am worth absolutely nothing. Everything just went downhill one day and it has not risen at all I have hit rock bottom and I am somehow going deeper and at this point I cannot with life anymore to the point where i have even made a deadline for myself for when i kill myself. I always knew I would never make it, i always knew I am worthless but i never wanted to hear it. I am surrounded by negativity and my mother cannot even accept me at this point. I have even decided by the time I am out of school I am going to cut everyone and everything off just to prepare for the day that it happens I am even going to do it in a different country to make sure that they do not even find out about it and everyday i think to myself it will be better in the next life. I have not cared about anyone's feelings in years and i barely have them myself i throw up a facade any time i talk to people i even have it up online the only time i let it down is when I am in bed crying myself to sleep on a daily basis. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot... I am done",Depression +25008,"This is my first time being on here and holy shit, it makes me so grateful for my life because everyone is life seems so horrible (no offense) but it just makes me feel very strong being alive that is all. Also whoever reads this I hope one day you will find happiness I really really do :) I am surprised...",Suicidal +25009,"Hey guys! First time really posting and sorry, I am on mobile. I (29f) lost my little brother (28) due to a life long struggle with Muscular Dystrophy this past January. His heart finally gave out and he had just turned 28 in December. He was the most kind, caring, giving, loving, funny, intelligent soul. The world has not been as bright since. Food is not good, if I can eat that is. I am a giant ball of anxiety. My stomach keeps cramping super bad. I sleep all the time, yet I am still exhausted. I cannot breathe guys. Does this ever go away. I do not dare count how long hes been gone, but each days gets worse and everything, including myself just seems like a burden. I do not really know what I am looking for tbh. Maybe advise. A funny joke. A nice story of you helping someone. How do you function after someone dies?",Depression +25010,I am going through a big depressive episode and I can feel myself falling deep. The thing that is different about this one is that I cannot control my eating. I never feel full and food gives me comfort. I have a relatively fit person who has never experienced this before. I would usually just not give in to the wants and cravings and could drop pounds if I felt like it. I have done one meal a day for a while because I am a tiny person and one meal will more than meet my calorie needs. But lately I am eating 3 meals a day and wanting something like a midnight snack. Has anyone else felt this or gone through this? Can anyone give me some advice on controlling my eating? I can feel myself falling,Depression +25011,there is a stretch of road where it is fairly empty and I can easily get up to 120mph before hitting it. It takes all of my strength to not do it. I keep telling myself to wait a little longer and to stay positive. Sorry for the nothing post. I just needed to vent. To that abandoned building,Suicidal +25012,"I am a 24 y/o male if that matters. I had struggled with Bipolar 1, ADHD combined type, and Panic Disorder for 12-15 years. 6 months or so ago I finally stabilized. I do not get extremely attached or paranoid anymore. I have not had a manic or depressive episode in a long while. Things can still bother me but only to a reasonable extent. This is the most normal I have ever felt. However there is one thing that still sticks to me without fail. I have absolutely nothing I feel like I want to pursue or interests me. My future is secure due to family circumstances so I am not necessarily in a hurry. I have also gone out of my way to try and find things. I started exercising daily, I tried making new friends and made some, Reading, Video games, I tried playing sports again. I have had girlfriends in the past but I have never been in love before. I am not really interested in pursuing it currently either. Being dependent on someone else to be happy seems like setting yourself up to be depressed later. I tried a lot of things and sometimes they felt fulfilling at first but then that same empty feeling comes back and I lose interest completely. I forced myself to do these things because I thought maybe I needed to try them first. But I was always right in the end and I just lost interests like I thought I would. I am not pessimistic either I know there are many things I am good at. I just have no interests in them and everything is so boring. Honestly I am fairly confident I will not find the answer here either. But I figured I would type this out anyway. Has anyone here had this problem and overcome it and if so how? I am aware the answer to this type of thing will vary between individuals and is always vague. I have seen posts of people with a similar issue. I want to try to fix this problem so I can finally secure my happiness. I want to find something to dedicate my life to or at least that I will feel happy doing. For some reason it seems like I will never want to do anything and that bothers me. Lacking a passion or interest for anything",Depression +25013,"I have OCD and depression and whenever I am in a depressive episode (which has been for the last 6 months) it seems like my obsessions will never cease and they will not stop. Is there anything I can do to make this better, if my depression is actually the culprit to my worsening OCD? Can depression make OCD worse?",Depression +25014,"The title is exaggerating a little, but I feel like everything I see is a sign that I, and people like me should not exist.I am a short, bisexual autistic man with several mental illnesses who lives in the Irish countryside.I want to be stronger, but bigger people say I am just compensating for being small, for being born the way I was, and so I can never be bullied again.I want people to understand my struggles with autism, I get told I should not have children, and that my existence is inherently wrong.I stay away from politics because it stresses me out, and I try to help out in the real world, I get lumped in with fucking fascists.I get bullied and beaten down for everything that I like, for no reason.The way I act, the way I talk, the way I interact with people, it all gets mocked and I just do not say a word.it is almost like there is signs saying that I am fundamentally wrong as a human.I ignore it as best I can, but I just cannot handle it right now. I feel like a piece of shit, and I just want to be hit with a car.it is almost 5 in the morning, and I am just drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The World Hates Me",Depression +25015,I have tried to share my story but it does not seem to matter. Try listening to something before applying judgment and maybe you will save a life. Moderators Apparently Think Me Being Attacked Is Okay,Suicidal +25016,"I have alienated all of my friends looking for support. they have all told me things like I have used them, and I am an emotional vampire. I just... I need help. I am on a waiting list for therapy.My best friend told me we should just be neighbors. How am I supposed to survive waiting until treatment and months of triggering trauma therapy with no friends or family? How does one find support?",Suicidal +25017,"In the summer of 2019 I was going into my sophomore year of college with a 3.5 gpa and hoping to go to medical school. At the very end of summer something changed, I just stopped giving a fuck about anything. I lived with my best friends and ostracized myself because I would sleep for most of the day. I did terrible in a lot of classes because I just slept through them. I went back to my home state for covid. In 2020 I started at a new school online and absolutely failed just because I did not give a shit enough to try in my classes. To add upon that, I probably did not even leave my house for months at a time, and when I did, it was to go to the liquor store to buy a liter of vodka. I completley failed that year. Probably did not get a grade above a C. How did this happen, I used to be so intelligent and I would study dutifully for every single quiz and test, now i just sleep through classes. What the fuck happened to me Why the fuck did i become depressed",Depression +25018,But what if life is the problem? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.,Depression +25019,"I do not want to have to wait for my time id really like to be dead now I am 16 yr and so ready to leave the kind of emptiness i feel is numbing , this is not living each night i listen to my heartbeat hoping for it to just stop.I see death in everything i look at i want nothing more than to be truly alone i do not want anything this world has to offer me I wish i were never born I cannot wait to be dead",Suicidal +25020,"This day is my birthday. I have celebration with my ex today. But, I am not happy at all. I am feeling really sad, hopeless, unlovable. Only see darkness because of my trauma and my past. I do not have future. My mind keep tell me to suicide. I am exhausted. I want to end this pain. Maybe, it is enough for me to life until 30 years I want to end this pain",Suicidal +25021,"I have been working for three weeks straight with days ranging from 10.5 hours to 15 hours with no days off and no proper breaks. I have been breaking down every single day for the last five days and I am ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and also feel like I might have lost a friend. I only have five days left but I feel like a she will of myself already. I am getting angry at everything, my body hurts, and I just do not see how I am going to survive. I could just quit but at this point I think the damage has already been done. Along with my BPD I feel like these three weeks have taken what little mental stability I had left. I feel like I have no support system and all I can do is cry to myself every night and day. Working my job is ruining my relationship and I just want to end it all",Suicidal +25022,"I am going through a pretty rough time. In the morning when I wake up I just feel a sort of dull sadness, and I am very listless as I go about the morning. Then midday hits and I am just completely down. No energy, nothing cheers me up. Then as the sun goes down I start getting that panicky sad where I feel like I am just going to burst into tears at any minute and want to just die. Its the same pattern every day and I cannot stand it. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel a certain kind of sad in the morning and a different kind as the day goes on, in the same pattern consistently every day?",Suicidal +25023,"This might seem a little selfish, but I think what I did today was a good thing at least for meblocking my friend(s) was the best decision I have made in awhile. Ask me tomorrow or in a week if this statement still holds because it may not. But the last time I did it I was really happy and things were good for me. I think the universe has a way of punishing you when you make a decision/decisions that is bad or could end poorly for youand rewards you when you make a decision that aligns with what is best. All of these depressive mood swings and anxiety still very much exists, so it is still essential not to isolate myself, but I should not surround myself with people who because me such great negativity. I like to trust my gut and say that those people were just as bad for me as I was for them. Maybe even more to be quite frank. I trust my gut :/ and so far I have not been punished. Smells bad, it probably is bad. Feels bad, it is bad. that is kind of the philosophy I go by when dealing with the people in my life. I kind of have to ask myself this question, am I doing it for myself? Or am I doing it for my friend(s)? Never would I give anyone such stupid advice so why would i be dumb enough to follow through. Even through all of this I had a goal that only involved myself. And I did not let it convince me to self-sabotage. So it was a win for me anyways, I just had to make the decision to be self-less or selfish. P.s. I started sketching again I kind of forgot how much i love it and how fucking killer I am at it. I think I did a good thing today",Depression +25024,"My name is Logan Leatherwood. I am 19 and I want to become a recording artist. Everything started to fuck up this era when I went to college. In short, I lost my scholarship because my university could not find my transcript in time for me to take the class I need. I submitted an appeal and hopefully Ill hear back the 15th of July.If I do not, or lose it, I will leave this world. I cannot do a 40 hour workweek with a job I hate.My relationship with my girlfriend is falling apart because I became really insecure. My friendships are falling apart because I get too high and say shit I do not need to. My family does not even want me because I am the problem-sibling and my parents are going to kick me out if I cannot make it to college. Everyone would be so much better without me. My ex found her dream job and moved on from me in eleven days after three years. I am replaceable, everyone can and will move on. I tired therapy twice. One of them cheated on his cancer-Ill wife and the other told me I was all fixed after a few months. I am just a lost because.Its not like I would make it as a recording artist anyways. I made so much fucking music since 2018 under my Pink Lemonade name and its just not working. This is my only lifeline.So if no one I know sees this, I am sorry Mr. C and Mr. Jackson. I could not turn my love for music into a career. I am sorry to my friends that I could not be a good person. I am sorry to my gf that I could not be a good boyfriend. I am sorry mom and dad I am sorry that you tried your best and still raised a problem child. And I am sorry that anyone ever interacted with me on purpose, I did not mean to waste your time. TLDR: Everything in my life is failing because I deserve it for being a bad person. I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +25025,"You take and take but never return,You took my heart and watched it burn,Is that all I am ? A joke, a game?A poisonous tongue have you no shame?Why tire yourself with lies and falsehood?If all I was was a piece of driftwood,Your words lack meaning ,merit, and weight,A game of chess, you called ""checkmate"".I picked up a bullet and loaded the gun,One finger on the trigger and now I am done.I hear a loud bang and everything is red,that is it, the end, and now I am Dead. I was taken advantage of, used and played, Those ruby lips and eyes of jade,",Depression +25026,"Lost interest in video games. Never had any hobbies, being around anyone even friends feels like a chore.if it was not for music and daydreaming id have nothing. Music and daydreaming are the only things that bring me the slightest joy",Depression +25027,My boyfriend of two years broke up with me three days before graduation then told me he liked someone else when I graduated I feel like a burden and a problem I cannot do this anymore What was wrong with me Am I horrible?Am I ugly?What is it? what is wrong with me I do not know I do not knowI hate myself so much I just want to die I cannot take it anymore18 years of parental abuse then thisIt was the worst thingIts really driven me over the edge what is wrong with me,Suicidal +25028,"So i just moved to a new area. I am living in a hotel so I am kind of not in a great mindset. Housing market is crap. But then again its always crap in the US unless your a millionaire. Job market says ""we are hiring!!!"" But my applications do not seem to gain any traction.I have maybe $100 in my account because my previous landlord is avoiding my calls and texts about my security that I am supposed to get back. Car is deciding todays the day that its going to die. I think the only reason I am here is because of my cat. If i did not have her? I would have been gone a looooong time ago... Anyone ever wish you just went to bed and never woke up again?",Suicidal +25029,"Spent my whole life sticking by my parents, who are incredibly loving but also incredibly dysfunctional. Who did not get me help when I needed it the most, then got upset by the consequences of that. Who took out their frustration on me, never apologized and refused to acknowledge anything they did wrong. Who need my help and support but will also never stop treating me like a literal kid.Trying to build a life for myself which feels like trying to build a sandcastle with literal shit. Trying to get any and all scraps of happiness. Trying to survive without therapy because I currently cannot afford any. Trying to face challenges every day as I job hunt and drive and I am new at both despite being in my midtwenties so I screw up a lot. Trying to maintain relationships despite every cell in my body screaming at me to abandon ship because people around me during my childhood sucked. Trying to support myself in a world which does not really give a fuck about anyone.I just keep trying and trying and trying to be okay but it seems like nothing is ever good enough for anyone and I am so burnt out by everyone is expectations. I just want to escape my life. I am frustrated (just a rant)",Depression +25030,"I failed at way too many things I attempted, especially at my former nursing home job as an Activities Aide. No matter what I did, I never could satisfy the residents, staff, or guests well enough. I was too socially awkward , slow, and incompetent, which led to people being unable to live out their golden years peacefully and happily. Every day I am haunted by the fact that my incompetence partially caused those people's deaths, and I just want to kill myself because I inadvertent put their lives. The thing that truly kills me about this scenario is that this was what I had studied in college, and I am too broke, dumb, and sick to be able to return to school and study for a different career. I do not deserve happiness.",Suicidal +25031,-I translated what I will write soon by google translater. I hope I can explain myself-Hi Reddit. I rarely use this platform. But I chose this place because I can stay more anonymous when I write my feelings here. I need your advice.I live in Turkey. I am,Suicidal +25032,"I have never felt so low in my life. I wish there was an easy way to kill myself, like just falling asleep and then never waking up again. There are some parts of my life I think I would miss, but I know everyone who loves me would move on, and I would not have to feel like this anymore. I just feel sick of living. Always tired. I am just really tired. Off Button",Depression +25033,I have decided. I will get about 40 panadol pills to end my pain. I might bring a knife as well to instantly end myself. I am not brave enough for other methods. Probably taking my life on the 11th,Suicidal +25034,"I have been struggling with on and off suicidal thoughts. Some days are worse than other which is most likely a common theme with people in a similar situation. I have always been reluctant to even vent just a little to anyone in real life and online because I feel as if my problems or thoughts are of less importance. I think about others who are going through so much worse than me. So I mostly keep quiet about how so feel whether it be negative or positive.However, today I guess I finally decided to vent a little. Even if I get no responses or reactions, maybe it will make me feel better regardless. I can go on and on about everything that makes me feel anxious, depressed, hopeless, and etc but Ill keep it brief for the sake of anyone reading and mention one. I lost my mother 3 years ago. She was everything to me. Whatever good trait I have is because of her (if there are any). She died in our home and I was not there in her last moments. I do not think anything is more painful to me than having to face that fact.Even though this is supposed to be me venting I want whoever sees this to know that I am sorry I do not know who you are. I am sorry I cannot help you with whatever you are going through. I am sorry that you are going through any physical or mental pain. All I can do is hope that you can get through it and gain the strength to keep living and being able to be happy. If you do not feel loved Ill be the first to say I love you.Thank you for reading this :) Hello",Suicidal +25035,"i wish i was never born and my mom had a better child who was actually grateful fuck I am so scared that i will not have the strength to go on anymore, and i end up killing myself which will make my mom so sad and i cannot do that to her",Suicidal +25036,please give me a reason why i should not let go because so far every reason feels so fricking stupid. please help me,Suicidal +25037,Lately I have been in a really sad head space where I am really starting to get numb to alot of things that hurt me I am just going through a really tough time and its scary because I feel like I am losing it I googled what depression is and it seem that I have that but mental health is over looked in the african American families I have told several people that I feel depressed and basically its strugged off or they tell to go pray about it its getting to the point where its scary to where I am having suicidal thoughts I am literally suffering alone I have no friends to talk it out with my family barely speak I am in a unhealthy relationship of 16 years 3 kids with no way out Lost,Depression +25038,"Uh sorry if the title is confusing, not sure how to word it otherwise. But basically I take 150mg of extended release venlafaxine for depression/anxiety in the morning. This morning I happened to forget, and I have only realized I forgot just now (10 pm). All the google results say is you should take it immediately unless it is too close to when you are supposed to take you next dose. But then they do not specify how close is ""too close"". I was told any time after 9 pm is ""too close"" since I take my med around 8:30 am, but I cannot find anything really specific and I do not even remember if it was my doctor who told me not to take it within 12 hours of my next dose or not. Maybe a better question is when is it too late for me to take my medication? How close is ""too close"" to my next medication dosage if I miss the previous one?",Depression +25039,After being turned away by betterhelp (it was about two weeks after everything shut down last year and I was in a pretty bad place) I found Open Path. Now every time I hear an ad for BH I roll my eyes and wonder how they are still around.They are a for-profit organization who make over $200M/year. **Open path is a non-profit who charges you a one time fee to be a lifelong member**I Venmo my therapist and the money goes directly in her pocket. I am glad I stuck it out and continued to look for help because being rejected access to an online therapy platform nearly threw me over the edge.I apologize if this breaks the rules in some way but I had to tell you guys just in case one person benefits from this. Love you guys and hope you are having a good day today. Just feel like this has to be said,Depression +25040,"i start a new job tomorrow and I am nervous. i knew this would happen when i was filling out the application. i was feeling pretty neutral, like i could take on anything and be an adult, but i knew it was not going to last long and i still did it. now here i am being sad and thinking about how i just be so much better off dead. i hate going out, because i feel like I am too ugly to live. i know it sounds ridiculous, but its how i feel all the time, especially when I am hanging around friends or family who are thin and pretty. no guys ever look at me and i just want to feel like I am good enough to look at too. life is a gift, but i want to return it.",Suicidal +25041,"I think I had mentioned previously that, I was married. I have been married to a wonderful woman for nearly 37 years and, our love life WAS amazing. Key word WAS. She is never interested in the physical part anymore. She says she has vaginal issues and, I have absolutely no reason to disbelieve her. We tease each other now and then but, the act never happens. I take ""Men's Romance"" supplements and they help to a certain extent but, only for me to be able to masturbate to internet porn. That usually handles one need but, it is not the same as the act. It is a very wonderful thing to lay naked and, in the arms of someone you love. Especially after a mind blowing orgasm. We have not made love in a VERY long time and, I miss that. Even once in awhile would be nice. But, it never happens. I want her to want me to make love! She says she still finds me attractive but, it never happens. Always a reason. I do not doubt that, her reasons are legitimate and God knows, she is not cheating. I miss that intimacy. I need that intimacy. I have to have that intimacy!! I do not cheat, I cannot. That is not me. But, my fantasies are off the chart and, they are mostly about her!! But, I know it does not matter because, it is not going to happen. Hence the depression. Not a NEW reason per say but, a reason nevertheless. I am tired of jerking off. But, I would sooner swallow Drain cleaner than go looking elsewhere for the physical part. So, here I sit. Sucking it up and, moving onto the next depression. SIGH! Hope all is well for you all. Love and, hugs. Another Day, another new reason to be depressed.",Depression +25042,"Do any of you experience aches and pains when you are in a depressive state? I have had a bad 3-4 days of constant leg pain, breast tenderness and joint pain in my hands. The recovery is exhausting only to go through it again Depression & body pain",Depression +25043,I can elaborate later when I have more energy. I just spoke to him a little bit ago and I feel so tired. My best friend wants to kill himself and at this point I cannot justify stopping him.,Suicidal +25044,Other posts chronicle the situation regarding my relationship ... I am struggling. I Basically cry from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep ( which ends up being at 4/5/6/7 in the morning. Right now is no exception. I am fucking exhausted of being so depressed and without my best friend in the world here to cuddle me :( . he is the one hurting me and I am lost I cannot stop crying and its 03:52 and I am exhausted and lost,Depression +25045,"Well I have not killed myself yet, but that is not exactly the type of thing you can brag about at dinner parties I overdose on sleeping pills every night so I can actually sleep without thinking about my ex who shattered my heart or getting suicidalIm on both anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and they do not do shit I just finished seven treatments of ketamine, for my chronic treatment resistant depression and they did not help at all. I feel completely destroyed that there is nothing at all out there to help me. I can barely do basic tasks or go to work, and I cry all the time, sometimes in public places. I have no future and no one to love me. But hey, I am fine. How are you? How are you",Suicidal +25046,"I just feel like no one wants me. I have not been able to work in a few years but no one seems to even want my volunteer work. They still make me fill out applications and they still get rejected. People ask me what I do and I do not know what to tell them. I just sit in my apartment and rot. I barely have any friends. I do not even like some of the few I have because they kind of treat me bad but who else do I have? My family treats me like shit it is not like I have them as a safety net. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. Well its been 3 years. Literally nothing has changed. No matter how many things I have tried nothing has changed. And in the past when anything got better, it was just a cruel way to make things so much worse. I had a job, savings, a community it is all gone. I thought I would be free of my family, but I was stupid enough to believe they loved me. I am too sick to work or for anyone to want my help, but I am not sick enough to get anyone's help. I cannot get disability, no neurologist will take my TBI seriously, and everyone who hurt me just gets away with it. I am alone",Suicidal +25047,I want to hurt myself so badly I cannot do this anymore. I want to hang myself,Suicidal +25048,I cannot understand how I fit into the world. I contribute nothing and I have no social circle. Most people do not struggle to meet such a basic level of functioning. I think I am done. I do not see why I am taking up a place. Not made for this world,Depression +25049,cannot do that do my family. But I cannot think of a way where no one will find my body. I wish I could just vanish. Gone. No one has any memory of me. No pain caused by leaving. Either I figure out how to not be found. Or I OD on xanax. Easy to get for me. Id rather have people think I just fucked up rather than leave people knowing I shot myself or hung myself. I want to die but I do not want anyone to see me,Suicidal +25050,I had depression and could not stop telling myself that I am useless and I really am thankful for all the people that supported me to recap I am 12 and was going through depression but from people being really caring to me it really helped me so thank you Hey guys thank you,Depression +25051,Just found out there is major problems with my pregnancy and it is not going to make it. I am devastated but I find comfort in one thought and that is trying again. This one was not planned but now I cannot imagine life without that child. I cannot feel ok unless I commit to having a successful pregnancy. I cannot let go of the baby I was supposed to have and hold . I loved that baby the moment I found out I was carrying a child. The loss I feel is too big. I cannot be ok. Surviving miscarriage,Depression +25052,I want to die. Should I take it all and end it? Yep,Suicidal +25053,Last night I was up late just scrollingnthroufh my phone then just as I was about to fall asleep I just had the the urge to do somthing I had not done in 3 months and I could not stop myself I just kept cutting and cutting and when I stopped I just went to sleep as if nothing happened and I do not know what to do to stop me from doing it again because nothing but an urge made me draw blood...if anyone has any helpful words or methods please share them I cut myself and I do not know why,Suicidal +25054,Want to kms as usual Studying for finals l0l,Suicidal +25055,"So I like this girl, although I never told anyone. However, I have a few friends in my club whom simply do not like me. They pretend to be nice to me, but deep down I know they hate my guts for reasons unknown. I do not curse them or be rude, its just plain malice. He will try to make fun of me publicly in our group chat, but in a way that is not visible if you look at it in the surface. Its more of a mocking type bullying like pretending as if I am the dumbest person in the world, and questioning all my actions, giving not an ounce of respect. I do not lash back, as it makes me look childish, but in high school this happened to me, and the result was, the friend (bully) turned everyone against me. I feel as if its going to happen again. Am I being overreactive ? What should I do ? Its making me feel depressed honestly. Being bullied by friends",Depression +25056,"I started with an open mind, lied about everythingsince i lied then everything i say now is completely unimportant, they respond almost the same way to everything different that I did not tell the truth about before, I tried with small things like what I ate last week and got to other things etc.I do not even know if I have any mental illness, it is just an assumption of mine and I cannot get it diagnosed because i lied to the therapist last yearIt's a waste of money and my time and I caused it I was forced into therapy last year - I still hate it",Depression +25057,we are able to fly space ships and control satellites out into earths orbit.Figure out how to do quantum physics and create computers.Understand the atomic level and the large planetary bodies.But we do not know how to fix mental illness?People still suicide to this day So You Are Telling Me,Suicidal +25058,"Everyone thinks my childhood was so perfect and all rainbows, therefore I am not allowed to have childhood trauma. Honestly they are right, its not like my parents are divorced or anything. I am not allowed to have childhood trauma.",Depression +25059,"I visualize my current scenario like a War Field. My side has lost, i cannot run and all i have is an old timey revolver and an army to fight. But, the bonus to being this near death means you no longer fear consequences, you just do things for the hell of it.I will try to condense my life, I am a school drop out, i have extreme social anxiety/body image issues due to Cervical Dystonia and i need surgery for that. That got me bullied like a black kid in a KKK gathering, i felt like killing myself as a teen as well, i barely had any friends. My dad was a self absorbed jerk and i rarely spent time with him as he was divorced and lived in an another State, my mother is emotionally unstable and resentful of me for not becoming a Man. I have an older brother, he supports me&mom(South Asian Culture), he has never been emotionally cruel to me the way my mother is, if there is one thing i regret is that i could not be useful to him, he does not have anyone else close in his life but i do not want to be a burden to him anymore. Perhaps, the ironic thing is that i was born 6 months(24 weeks) premature, doctors said I would probably die without NICU(which was not affordable). I am nearing my 30s now, i have yet to learn how to socialize with people, my Open Education(equivalent to HS degrees) exams are months away and i have not even gone past the first chapter, its cus i have not opened a science book in nearly a decade. I am partially to blame here, i chose science because Art degrees are not known to lend itself to gainful employment but holy hell the stress&self-doubt will not let me learn. I have done fine with all subjects but i always struggled with equations&theorems and now there is really no way for me to get a degree unless i get those right. It also kind of pains me to admit to myself that my mother is very similar to the horribly overbearing school teachers.So anyway, this is my life. And do not get me wrong, I am not in any kind of dread, i find this situation funny. Life elbow dropped me before i was even born and i had to operate in absolute loneliness for most of my life, this computer kept me company and even that is dying now. If there is an afterlife i wish to meet my father but not because i love him or anything, he was a War Vet with strange ego complexes, i just want to have closure. Fight to the Last Bullet",Suicidal +25060,So for the past 3 years I have been selfharm free I have never had the urge to cut or anything not even do anything dangerous to myself. But recently 4 months ago i developed depersonalization disorder it is horrible since then I have started selfharming again just because nothing feels real i have no friends and just no one cares about me anymore. Ever since i turned 17 everyone has just left me to be an adult pretty much now i just do not feel ready. I have not even had a hug in 5 years let alone hang out with someone. If I am being quite honest here. I am thinking about taking my own life.My mental health has decreased massively especially with all the restrictions and constant reminders to wear masks and keep safe is just driving me insane. I am sorry Started Cutting Again,Suicidal +25061,"This is it. I have finally gotten to my all time low, I have no friends, no support. I do not love the things I used to love. It used to be just stay alive until you get to listen to your favorite bands new album Ill stay here so I can see my sister get married Ill bear with it for a little while longer for my friends I cannot die when my favorite book/ movie is about to come out with a sequel and now its just nothing. I have no passion anymore.I had a good weekend with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends. I lived more in 3 nights than in my whole life, and I decided, I want to leave while at least a couple people still have a few good memories with me. You know? Leave it on a good note, not a bad note. kind of like resolving an argument before going to sleep instead of going to sleep angry. I have reached out to the few people in my life that I thought would care, they do not. They do not try, they do not have good things to really say about me. The nicest thing I have been told in years was by my boyfriends best friend. This past weekend he said I remind him of his mom who passed away a few years ago. But were not really friends, only associated through my boyfriend. The only friends I have at all is through my boyfriend, and without my boyfriend they would have nothing to do with me.I am a family disappointment. Growing up, I was told how smart I was, how talented I was, I was going to be the first of the family to graduate college. But because of my parents bad choices, I am unable to qualify for financial aid. And I am not rich. Even though my grandparents (who raised me) tried to help pay me through my education, I could not do that to them. I did not want to be a bum off my grandparents with the rest of my family.Yeah, I reached out. Quite a few times in the past couple years. Get help, from my boyfriend. Well, I would if it was not so unaffordable and unattainable.And I make these people around me sound bad, but they are not bad people at all. they are great. Its just me, I am hard to be around. I try to be my happy, goofy self, and its not enough. I try to be supportive and loving and helpful, but its not enough for anyone to stay around.I have been used, I have been raped and assaulted by people who were supposed to be friends and people who were supposed to be family. I feel like a useless piece of trash.So what do you do at that point? When it feels like your already withering away before you have even left? I have nothing left to do, I do not want anything else.I have it all planned out, as terrible as this will sound. The next time my boyfriend has to work late, I am going to shut the garage. I am going to write my note/notes. I will turn my car on, and Ill look at an album I made of my favorite people and my favorite memories until I fall unconscious and eventually pass. And that will be it. No more pain or sadness. No guilt or regrets. No jealousy or disappointment anymore. Ill just fade away until I am really and absolutely nothing. Numb",Suicidal +25062,we are able to fly space ships and control satellites out into earths orbit.Figure out how to do quantum physics and create computers.Understand the atomic level and the large planetary bodies.But we do not know how to fix mental illness?People still suicide to this day So You Are Telling Me,Depression +25063,"I already have a plan. Ill wait until late at night then take an Uber to the train station. Then Ill wait for the train. My parents do not care about my mental health. And I cannot do another two years of this. If my life is not better or looking to be better by September, I am taking my life. I might actually do it",Suicidal +25064,"I was very very sad and down earlier, now I am happy and I feel cathartic seeing all these suicide notes. I am scared to comment my positivity with what they want to do because I might get banned or something... I am okay with dying since forever, I am still having a teeny weeny problem with pain but suffocation does seem promising. My only problems are computers and technology, I still want to see where they are going to go next, and I want to prove my respective society's stupid ass system by rising to the top, then maybe stage the best suicide ever like burning, or maybe gunshot to the head while wearing a classy rich man's suit. I hate school, man. My parents' resolutions with not always pushing me to be the 1st at everything now does not really help with things since this stupid-ass distance learning that has the small fine print (it might be they just do not tell me, what is the point of that anyway, parents are always obliged to enroll you anyway) of requiring an internet connection because they do not just send you all the papers and ""self-learning modules"" (the most stupid thing ever, its like what even is the point of teachers) and sometimes send it through social media which i usually do not ever check because i only use it for talking to family or friends and i usually do not talk that much to them and i do not have that many friends, its usually long silent times then a burst of longwinded messages... I end up with a bunch of modules I never knew even existed. I just really fricking hate school man, I am going to flunk for no reason other than you did not put it in front of me to notice it or at least notified me that you sent me something. They really should have canceled the school year. Id rather be a bit older than normal but got my smarts from learning than still be young but have a rushed learning. I fricking hate school.TL;DR:Kill me (do not), I am full of despair (but I am somehow still full of hope). I really want to die (not) but three problems: ? Pain tolerance, Want to see where cool stuff like technology goes moving forward, and I want to rise to the top and either destroy everything or destroy everything and rebuilding it how it logically should be like how school will work. Why??",Suicidal +25065,"There is not anything interesting about it, it is so boring and meaningless, most humans suck. Life is not worth living",Depression +25066,"I just feel so unwell, I feel like I am part time functioning ok but then I am a mess. I feel so broken and like I am a disgusting awful just bad person or thing with no value. Nothing helps, it just seems like I need more of something or the happiness wears off, why are simple things so hard to do? Things feel like a nightmare, I am looking and thinking about how I ruined myself and things for me, Idk th things just suck, I just feel like I am losing my mind or something Just needed to get some feelings out",Depression +25067,"I am tired of waiting for it to get betterit never actually does. is it really worth suffering just so i can experience a few good moments??every time i feel like I have gone through something and i fought itanother thing comes and its weighs on me.I am never truly happyim so obsessed with my looksi do not understand why some people are prettier than me without even tryingand here i am contemplating what i could do to become prettier and i always keep hating on myself.one single insult is capable of making me break down. i do not understand why another human being does not find me pretty or i feel like since one person thinks i look a certain way everyone else sees that.i cannot help but be obsessed.I am scared of the future because i always judge my past self. i always get mad at myself for posting certain things, and I am able to see it from a different perspective.i am so alone and i wish i had love in my life but other than my family i have none i have nobody and I am so lonely but i love being by myself. i feel like I am the only one that tries to build a relationship with another person.and they do not care if I am in their lives or not.I have never experienced true love.i wish i felt worthy but i feel so worthlessi feel so worthless knowing there is prettier people out there and some people do not admire meor do not find me pretty.why do not they find me pretty?i spend every day thinking about my appearance and i cannot even hide it because i have to live with it.i do not understand why i post something what i think is cute at the moment but as soon as a month goes by or two i start hating on it. its like i cannot trust myself.i cannot trust my own decisions.so i have to rely on other people since they see me differently than i see myself.i rely on them but none of them are actually correct. i want to be someone which I am not yet.and its driving me crazy.I am so impatient. and i want to become the girl I have always dreamed of becoming.but i put so much pressure on myself.it should be a fun ride watching me grow and glow up but i keep hating on myself for letting myself live through something which would eventually lead me to success and maybe its the path that would lead me to my dream life. i just do not see it so I am not sure if its going to happen or not.i do not want to live here. on this planet. on earth.i do not want to be me. still its so hard to kill myself.i really do not want to live. i am grateful for all the blessings but i cannot handle all these things. they keep hurting me. and it hurts.id rather feel nothing and have no awareness than be here. why am i even here? why am i aware of who i am? i do not want to be aware. if I am aware of everything i should be happy at least. but I am not.. I am not and i am unable to accept myself as i am because i always feel unworthy of love i do not believe anyone would truly love me for who i am as a person either because I am not pretty enough or I am not cool enough. i hate how i behave also.why cannot i be a hot girl who people look up to?i want to be hot. i do not want to wait more years. i want to experience true love and that would solve all my problems because once I am loved i will not be looking for validation from people that i do not even know. they do not know me and i do not know them. still their mean words hurt me. a lot. its like I am so scared of someone insulting me that most of the time when I am stressing over it it actually happens. why?? so unfair i cannot believe I am not pretty enough or good enough. i have these extreme mood swings and this feeling of wanting to die always comes back.. then it goes away.. then it comes back.. when will it end? id rather feel nothing than having to go through this all my life. I am so helpless. it never actually gets better ?? i always fall back",Suicidal +25068,"there is so much bad in the world and I am a coward, so why should i bother trying to keep living? i do not see any point. i do not know why I am trying",Suicidal +25069,In the mist of a relapse and was wondering if anyone here would be okay having a general chat for an hour or two. does not need to be a counselling session just someone who is up for a talk. Guess I miss meeting new people during this panini. Would be beneficial for someone who has experience with drug issues just so they understand the head space. Just lonely atm and would like a conversation to break up the time I spend in my head. Anyone up for a chat?,Suicidal +25070,"I was doing well for a couple months but recently I got hit with another wave of depression. At first I was able to keep up with personal hygiene, but now I either do not have the energy or just do not care enough to take care of myself. Are there any tips to help motivation towards these basic needs because I am really struggling to keep up with them. Keeping up with hygiene",Depression +25071,"For those that have deleted their social media platforms (aside from Reddit or Youtube), how much has it helped improve your mental health? I am thinking about deleting Instagram and LinkedIn as well and just keeping Reddit and Youtube. I have already deleted facebook after having it for like a decade and feel much better. Social Media and Mental Health",Depression +25072,"I believe that if you end suffering for yourself (assuming you succeed) - you will start it for your parents. If your parents have helped you or supported you in any way throughout life - do not do that to them while they are still alive.you would be creating a world of pain for people who truly do not deserve it. Personally its what is holding me back. For about 25 years.yeah.How many of you feel this way? Those of you with living parents, are they what is keeping you from ending it?",Suicidal +25073,"I am struggling quite a bit at the moment, emotions are all over the place I have not gone a day without crying recently or feeling like no one would give a shit if I was not around anymore. I have a partner who knows I am struggling but I can see them tiring of my bad moods and emotions and desperately wants me to seek professional help. I finally rang a therapist to seek help and they cannot see me for another 2 months which is pretty much standard for most mental health professionals where I am. My family is probably the worst part of all of this I work with them and they know I am mentally ill but I feel like I am invisible. None of them ask me if I am ok or if I want to talk or even just listen they act as if I am making up all these problems in my own head out of jealously. I have expressed suicidal thoughts that have gone ignored. I feel like I am constantly making an effort for them but they never make an effort for me, they did not even ask me to do anything for my birthday but had a big family dinner this week for my sisters birthday which made me feel like everything I think about myself not being worthy is true. I feel like I am not worth the effort and that I am just going through the motions of life without actually enjoying anything. How do you go about feeling better when help feels so far away Feeling invisible",Depression +25074,I keep messing my appointments because they are over the phone and sometimes my phone does not give me the proper notification it needs so I missed the call.I wish they would start going back to in person appointments but they have not.The other problem is that I keep running out of my medication and I need it like I stayed up all night last night and it messed me up and I cannot seem to find a good therapist because they keep trying to find something wrong with me and it is not like there is a thing wrong with me it is just I like to talk to people and complain about things.I do not really have anything I need to fix.it is more of like a day by day thing that I want to fix not really a thing in my life.I just want to complain to someone. I do not want them to fix anything.I am thinking of taking marijuana as a medicine to help calm me down because I am really tired and it feels like none of the medications really help me anymore and I do not want to take new medications.I just want to pay someone so they can hear me complain for an hour. But apparently that is too much to ask. I do not know what to do cuz I hate my doctor and I also just do not know how to deal with my medication.,Depression +25075,"My mom is the root of my problems. I am not allowed to have a job, not allowed to go outside (strict about covid) and just so much more I will not get into detail. I just want to know what a loving parent does, how they make you feel, what they are like. Is one parent different from the other? what is a normal parent like?",Suicidal +25076,"I would like to start by introducing myself, my name is Zen. And I have dealt with suicidal thoughts my entire life as long as I could remember. In my earlier years, I never really had a reason for them, but I still had them. It was not until high school that I started understanding the thoughts I was having more. I was never able to get them to go away, but when I would feel them I would feel like I had my own reason why behind it. It was not until after high school that the thoughts grew into more serious and detailed descriptions of acts that my brain would actively play for me as I would think about them. And it is not until now that I begin to truly ask myself the RIGHT question.Is it more important to live and percieve well OrIs it more important to HAVE lived and percieved well. Is it okay?",Suicidal +25077,"Depression(majordepressivedisorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.I know that this is a very sensitive topic and I am very open for corrections, additional knowledge and ideas if ever.Before, I somehow associated depression with sadness. I mean, with the lack of knowledge, I used to think that sadness and depression are quite synonymous. But it is a big No No. Based on an article I read, sadness is defined as a normal human emotion. We as a human being tend to be ""sad"" ""disappointed"" ""downcast"" over a specific reason but eventually when we have already adjusted on the situation our sadness remits. While on the other hand, depression isanabnormalemotional state, a mental illness that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in pervasive and chronic ways. ( Unlike sadness, depression does not easily elapse until treated just like any other illnesses. What can we do to help people suffering depression?Convince them to seek medical help.Consulting a psychiatrist is not shameful. Consultations might be a little pricey but there are still foundations or psychiatrists who offers affordable or sometimes free consultation. Be a good listener. Rather than giving them random life advises it is better to just sit there and let them feel that you are always available to listen. Never force them to open up. And also, avoid using statements such as ""Cheer up"", ""forget about it"" ""It will pass"" and etc. because this will not help. Make them feel that you actually understand them. Again, the situation that they are in does not just ""pass"" or ""wear-off"", it is not a phase but an illness.Give them hope through God. Besides on their Mental health, they also might need spiritual help. Pray for them and let them know that we all have God at our back. Ask them to participate mass, worship sessions or bible groups.I am alarmed as some of my friends are actually experiencing it and I really have no idea on what to do or what to actually say, because I know that there is no amount of words that can actually ease the pain they are feeling. The best thing I can do, is to listen and make them feel that they still have that someone who actually cares for them when they feel that they do not matter anymore.To you, it is okay to feel that way. I know that things might be unbearable but never lose hope. Someone out there actually loves you so much. Please continue fighting. This world might be cruel at times but still remember the happy days and the people who actually makes the world lovable. there is hope.Better days are coming. let us claim it. Depression",Suicidal +25078,"I struggle with feelings of emptiness and cannot find a tool to help me come back to life. During these times life feels so pointless, boring, and lonesome. I no longer give a damn about anything and I feel like a zombie - dead inside. Due to the sudden drop in motivation, I fall behind on schoolwork, neglect daily responsibilities, and underperform at work. Even my relationships fall apart as my attachment fades.Do you struggle with this too?Have you found any tools to reduce the deadness and feel alive again? I have tried mindfulness meditation apps and emotion trackers but neither of them breaks through the deafening numbness. Tools to reduce emptiness",Depression +25079,"cannot fucking d this anymore, I need to die I am done, by end of month, I am done",Suicidal +25080,"I feel nothing anymore. I am travelling for 5 days for no reason, sitting in a B&B in the middle of nowhere alone. I have absolutely no-one and I do not feel anything anymore. Nobody cared or realised I left to come here today. please end my suffering",Depression +25081,"Fun times.Been recently told I am a bit obnoxious when talking to people and I agree. Whenever I speak to people they always seem to not be able to connect to me often but when other talk to them it seems natural. Now I just do not feel like talking to anyone honestly, I feel like cutting every person I know off. My close friend does not even seem remotely interested in talking to me since she is exhausted from hanging out with her other friends/love interest recently. I hate my life. Why must I feel i have such an awful life.",Depression +25082,"I am 22F and I am genuinely a burden on everyone I know. I apologize in advance for the structure of this post and if anything does not make sense; my brain is kind of on fire right now.My problems with controlling my emotions and constant emotional outbursts along with how much I just cannot seem to get over how much I dislike myself is just an absolute drag on everyone around me. it is frustrating because I have been working on myself for a while and making great progress, but even now, I still have moments of being the same burdensome person on my family and partner. I love my partner so much; he is the best thing that is ever happened to me, and all I do is bring him down. he is trying to work on his career and all I do is upset him every few days with bringing up past things that have happened in our relationship that I just cannot get over for some reason and ruin his day. I have struggled with my weight and body image for so long, had so many ups and downs with it, and I feel extremely discouraged that it is never going to fully get better no matter how hard I work. I almost want to just.....reset. I do not think I am ever going to get over the pain of things that have happened to me in the past. I ruin my partner's life and yet he refuses to leave me when I beg him to. I have been working so hard for so long and I truly just do not feel like I am going to get better. I am a disappointment to my family. I was amazing in school all my life but then lost motivation my last few years of college and, while I graduated, I cannot even get a decent job now. I am not as beautiful or outgoing as my siblings. Everyone has to put up with my weird attacks of anxiety and phases of depression. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist but things are just not seeming to change.Again, I am sorry that this was so all over the place. I am just truly realizing what an overall burden I am on the lives of everyone I love. I think they would be better off without me here. I genuinely cannot think of any redeeming qualities about myself. I truly and genuinely believe that the life of everyone I know would be better if I was not in it.",Suicidal +25083,"I made a comment that seemed to resonate with a few of the viewers to this sub. I want those to know, I am not okay, I am struggling, everyday I wake up hoping that something happens so that its not my fault. That I can give my family the funeral they want. I want, like you, to simply be gone and have it be a simple concise end to things. But I cannot. I have a responsibility to attend my shift. I have a moment in time to tell other folk that it is not worth it. Regardless of how I feel. I; like every other user here is here for you. You are not the worst, you are not the baddest, you are not, you are not the most awful. You merely exist as you. And as unhappy and unfulfilled as you are you have a moment here where you could stop someone from doing what you most want. Its the right thing.It hurts, it feels like a lie, it feels like you lie to yourself, but it asks the question why? Because we all must be there for each-other. It does not take away my wish for death but it gives me something knowing I have a shift telling others to stick around and not miss their shift.Thank you all We all have a shift",Suicidal +25084,"Hey folks, I was wondering if anyone else has experience with something I am dealing with. I am on escitalopram 20mg. Been on it for a while now, but I am having crazy, vivid dreams. Bizzare!!! Whenever I sleep, I dream. Even naps. Every single night. I do not need movies, I just got to sleep anyone else? Escitalopram",Depression +25085,"I have always been one of the 'funny friends' because its just how i cope. i would use myself as the butt end of a joke constantly, and would joke so much it because my role in the group. at first i was super happy about this, i felt important, and i was happy i could make my friends laugh, especially when they were dealing with their own mental battles. but over time it became burdening. i was always the one helping others with their problems, so much so that my own problems became neglected, and i would try to ignore them or distract myself with art or other interests, which works temporarily. it got so bad, in fact, that I have basically conditioned myself to just talk as LITTLE about my own issues as possible, and if i do talk about them, i have to go back to making jokes. i cannot be in relationships, nothing can be about me, i cannot even see myself as attractive. I have conditioned myself to be the comic relief, and it SUCKS. i have no idea what to do, because my depression is getting worse with summer, and I am festering in my own problems. i do not want to burden my friends with my problems, i do not want them to worry, and i do not want to lose my humor. I am stuck in this limbo of not knowing what to do, which direction to go, and how to help myself. medication and therapy are not options right now due to money. does anyone understand how this feels? or have ways i could help myself? I have reduced myself to only be 'the funny one'",Depression +25086,"i feel so alone. if I am not going to work, then i do not hear or speak to anyone even when i reach out to people. I have realized the only way to make friends is to go drinking which has in turn made me absolutely hate myself and who I have become. i try so hard to make friends and it just does not work and i do not know why. i really just want to die. i want to die so so so so bad and it makes me really really sad that i cannot. my brother tried to kill himself when i was younger and i saw what it did to my parents and how it made them feel and i do not want to do that to them. but i get so jealous of the people that actually follow through with suicide or that just get to die in general. i just want to die and it makes me so upset that i cannot. i hate myself",Depression +25087,"because when i reached out to them in panic since Friday expressing it they did not do nothing. They never did, even when I was their client, ever contact my emergency contact. I really do not think they believe I am ever in pain, or have any trauma... That they will not believe me unless I am dead. I think my last therapist really does want me to die",Suicidal +25088,"I did not start at this company 21 years ago with any ambition or goal other than to have a job. I just stayed . . . and stayed . . . and stayed, wasting away my 20s, 30s, and into my 40s. My role has changed significantly and I am currently making more than ever because I was asked to take on different roles. However, I am absolutely miserable and am at a low point with this job. I had an argument with a person I have worked with for about 19 of those years, someone I would consider a friend. she is upset with my management style, and I also made a ridiculous mistake a little while ago that could because some problems. What comes with such a long time at it is a feeling of not knowing what I would do without this job. I would feel adrift. I have a job I am looking at, but I do not know all the details or if I would like the environment. I just like the schedule. I would probably make about half of what I am currently making. So let us say I get that job and it sucks. What would I do? I have been at my job way too long.",Depression +25089,"i do not need messages, or any talking me out of it. i just want the easiest and fastest way to say goodbye to those i care and love for. this is my choice and it is better this way. best way to say goodbye",Suicidal +25090,"Here I am unable to sleep because I have to take what is the biggest test of my life tomorrow and I have not studied at all for it of course. I know I am going to fail and then probably lose my job offer after. I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago but did not have the guts to do it like every other time I have tried. I was there, on the edge of a bridge ready to jump but I was just too afraid when it came down to it (I am terrified of surviving it and then living with the consequences after). If I fail this test I am surely going to try to commit suicide again but I know myself at this point, I will not really do it so this post is pointless. I have had depression basically my whole life, I have no friends, barely talk to my family, everyday is just frustrating agony. I wish something horrible would happen to me and end it all so I would not have to waste another minute in this disgusting worthless existence. Taking the NCLEX tomorrow and then probably my life",Suicidal +25091,I want to hurt myself sometimes because I am lonely and angry. I am 26 have anxiety and I am on the autism spectrum but even with those struggles no one seems to understand if you are lonely. I am lonely and angry,Suicidal +25092,I am in the US. Amazon seems to ship them empty. How do I get a tank of nitrogen online,Suicidal +25093,"I have been a sports fan all my life.I also have been thinking about killing myself literally since I can remember. In many ways I feel my life is like a movie i have not seen yet but already know the ending to it. It ends with suicide, i have known this always.I grew up in s country that had not a lot of access to baseball, it was more of a soccer kind of a country. Circumstances have lead me to be only partially employed at the same time my marriage is going thru a rough patch. I think it is safe to say this is the most depressed i have been in my life. Folks, I am not sure how I come out of this one.Enter MLB opening day. Always been a baseball fan but never had the time and resources to really really follow a season (I get the MLB thingy for free with my phone provider so...)I watch all the games, every single game my team plays. I know the names, the averages the everything. Baseball has given me a reason to look forward to tomorrow, to see what happens the next weekend, the next series. My team sucks this year by the way but I do not even feel bad about it! I am like riding a high, while my world and my life collapse around me I am sitting like an idiot watching baseball and loving it!Truth is, we are halfway thru the season and I am dreading the end. No more baseball, no more looking forward. No more games means I can focus on my dark and gloomy circumstances and the fighting and the crying and I honestly do not know if i have the energy to keep putting up with it all.So here I am.Not in immediate risk of offing me but scared oh so scared of what the future may bring.TLDR: I do not think I am making it to Christmas people, love you all. I honestly think baseball is saving my life for now",Suicidal +25094,"I think I am getting a therapist/doctor soon. I want to be honest but idk how they will react if I tell then about my thoughts. I am not really suicidal (no plan, never attempted before, never made a note) I just have thoughts about it constantly. What do they do if I tell them? Will I go to a hospital? I have seen some other posts where people got forced into the hospital for being suicidal but idk where they draw the line between needing to go to the hospital or not. What do doctors/therapists do if you say you have suicidal thoughts?",Depression +25095,"Lately I have been getting these weird moments where i for example look at my hands and realize that I am actually alive and I am me... sounds very weird... it all feels like a dream now. but if I would ""wake up"" who would I be...? yep... no one but me myself. I feel like I actually do not exist. do not see no reason to continue this ""dream"". I do not feel I am really here and alive",Suicidal +25096,"Met him at Warped and his music defined my youth. I hope wherever his spirit lingers, its somewhat at peace. It hurts to hear Shadow Of The Day, or anything else he made in public, but I am trying my best to revel in his talent. Anyone else miss a musician who left us early? I miss Chester Bennington so much.",Suicidal +25097,"Hi!:) i have a few mental illnesses and I have been in therapy since February. My therapist wants me to go to IOP and to get checked by a psychiatrist since I am kind of in a limbo of being happy and being suicidal.How is it? I do not know if ill be able to even do it because I am a student, but I am still kind of considering it guess.Ty:)) Intensive Out-Patient Questions!",Depression +25098,I am 17 and i fucking hate everything about my life. I have never once been told i love you by my family. I have never been hugged by them. Never been told I am proud of you. I am also schizoaffective no matter what med or how much therapy i go to NOTHING FUCKING HELPS. it is all stayed the fucking same voices in my head delusions nothing fucking changes. My body has been very hot for the past 3 weeks and I am getting into fight after fight. I have nothing to look forward to in life. I fucking hate god i hate jesus for the shit hand i have been delt i hate christianity and Christians. Constantly telling me to bulid a relationship with god well he is a peice of shit. I have never once been shown any kind of compassion or love or empathy. And I am afraid of what comes after dying but i see no other way out. I have no one who loves me and no one to talk to. I wish i had a friend i wish i had someone who loved me and would actually tell me i matter. I have no friends no one to talk to my life is shit. I have felt nothing but very intense anger and hatred for 3 weeks straight.,Suicidal +25099,"Admittedly, I do thank most of you, especially the mods, for being so great here. This is not my suicide letter, not yet anyways, but a genuine thank you to all of you. I need to share my appreciate to this community that has let me be so free as to air my grief, my anger, and my genuine plans and thoughts of suicide and self harm. Without this community, I am sure that many of us here would have to bottle all of this up, or be involuntarily committed for even uttering the phrase 'I want to die'. You are greatly appreciated, each and everyone of you for your contribution to this subreddit. Comfort",Suicidal +25100,Car broke down so I was late for work. Had to she will out money I do not have. Work was awful and I am pretty sure I saw my ex across the street today. Got no one to vent to and today the world just really wants me to not exist. Does it ever get better? Terrible day,Depression +25101,"Some background to this, I have been in a relationship of three almost four years, two of which have been long distance due to my service in the armed forces. I was ready to pop the question, ring and all in hand. About a month before I am supposed to come home, my now ex cheated on me, we broke up. I have wanted nothing more than to move on or something but the pain just keeps coming back no matter what I do, every plan I had for the future seems blurry and I feel lost, and as of recently I have felt like just ending it and being done with this, maybe it means I am mentally weak and I just got to give it time but from where I am at I cannot see what time will do for me, I feel hopeless. I feel lost",Suicidal +25102,"I am going to keep this short, so I thought I was suffering from POCD but now I am almost convinced I might actually be a p*do, a sicko, completely fucked in the head. The feeling seems almost too real for it be POCD, not sure how. A few months back, I was pathetically simping over some fictional character (who is an adult btw), having zero attraction to minors, next thing, I wake up one morning with my head feeling broken. I am tired of fighting, I never wanted this to happen and yet it is. My life was ruined by someone else and just when I thought I could make a new start for myself, these thoughts happened. I am tired. I am done. I do not even know when but I will kill myself. Fuck this pointless, sadistic existence of mine. I really hope no one misses me. Goodbye",Suicidal +25103,"I do not fucking care if people make mistakes I am a fucking dumbass!! I know there are people who are worse than me but idc they can kill themselves if they want, at least I am aware of how much of a fucking failure I am. I cannot even greet people correctly, I am immature as hell, I am making dumbass mistakes over and over again and I am almost a fucking adult! Jesus Christ I am too much of a fucking idiot to live",Suicidal +25104,"Throwaway because idk this group and idk if anybody will report me... but looking thru the posts here this seems to be about the only place I truly say how I feel. Idk how nor why I cannot change. Therapy, psychologist, meds, working out, traveling.... I have been doing it all. NO ONE can say I have not tried.... but yet here I am. Alone in an apartment with no energy left for tears for screaming. I am just numb...again... wondering how can I feel this way? Wondering why I cannot accept life? Why I cannot change my outlook? I feel no love for anything. Frustration only. Frustration to my family, women, even my dog whose done nothing. I know this Frustration steams from within... but I cannot seem to beat it, like rolling a Boulder up a steep hill in the rain it feels impossible. Idk how I will feel tomorrow... maybe I can hold these feelings at bay for a good part of the day; but I know I will have them again as sure as the sun sets in the west. it is werid tho.... I cannot help but tell you all I love you. I do not want anyone to kill themselves. You are all worth being on this planet, but man....idk if I belong. it is a dark twist in my psychology I guess. I love you. I am so tired of not being able to change",Suicidal +25105,"Can someone help me? I have passions, goals, things I want to get better at. I know what I want to do with my life but I am still lethargic. I sleep for fun, or just lie there watching anything that bores me. Not even shows, movies, I cannot seem to do anything. I have gotten better with depression. Its been 2 years since I was in the worst of it and yet I am still here doing nothing. I am starting to wonder if I am not cut out for my dreams but I worry because the hope that Ill get there keeps away my fear of failure and the general sense that I do not have a future. That thought is unbearable. I have to do it somehow but it would take a miracle. I am on meds, I am going to therapy. I am not sad anymore I do not think.. so why? Why am I still stuck in this constant loop of doing nothing? I am chronically lazy. Falling asleep literally feels euphoric to me. there is so much to do and so much I want to do before the summer is over. But I do not. I want to. I still do not. I tell myself that this is the day. I still do not. I am so far from the person I want to be. Every day I dream of the day that I have done it all. In my head I am giving advice to others. Advice I do not heed. Advice I wish Id just take for once. Instead I scroll mindlessly or sleep or go to work. I can only seem to muster the will to do obligations. Not the things I love. Its so painful watching everyday go by. It seems so simple to just go and do it. Just start. I start, get tired and stop for the day. Weeks for back and I try again. Nothing works. Some days I feel like there could not possibly be a more lazy human being. Tomorrow Ill go to work..and then Ill fall asleep at maybe 4 in the afternoon. I can swear that I will not but I will. I could give myself a huge pep talk get excited to do the things i want to do, but i still will not. As I have said, I am on meds, I go to therapy. How can I get out of this? Has anyone here been through it and became more productive? I have to wonder if its even possible. This is long and scattered, sorry, I wonder if Id even read it haha. I am chronically lazy but have big goals",Depression +25106,"I know I am so lucky by today's standards... By any standards, really. Truly I do. I am a millennial making six figures... I own not only one house, but two (we rent the other one out). I bought both with my own money. My boyfriend is amazing and thoughtful and kind and with our jobs combined we do not want for anything. Not only did I keep my job through the pandemic, I got double promoted and my boss is actively looking to develop me for leadership roles...So why am I so unhappy? I feel like I worked so hard to amass all this stuff... To run from the times when I could barely feed myself and keep the power on... To find someone who legitimately loves and supports me... To feel like I am finally fucking going somewhere in life.This is what I am supposed to want, is not it? is not this ""the dream""?And sure, usually I am fine... But still every month or so this depression comes around (yay PMDD) and it feels like it scratches the veneer off and I realize I am still just the same stupid shitty person I have always been -- just wearing a disguise and trying to fit in with the ""normal"" people.And the worst thing is it is the dumbest things that set me off. Today I started to spiral because my coworker did not respond to my messages and my boyfriend was getting too many work calls for me to tell him a work story I was trying to tell and I just... Broke. How the fuck am I so fragile at 32 fucking years old? And what first world problems at that...I just hate myself so much and I do not understand what people see in me... Just makes me feel like I must be so good at faking because clearly they do not see what I see.I do not know why I ever thought I could run from this. I thought this was supposed to make me happy...",Depression +25107,"Been in the ward in and out, after suicide attempts. Still taking a shit ton of meds, I want to die. Ever since my trauma happened I want to die. Its been years. It does not get better, I think about it almost everyday for years. you all feel me ? I am thinking about doing it very soon again Will it get better ?",Suicidal +25108,"Long story short: Me and my mother was argumented quit bad, then she say, do you rally want to chrach the car in a ditch and die. I never felt so pinpointed as i did in that momnet, angry and sad i said yes, i really want to die..later that evening, i was out driving my car, ( that is how i deal with things i found hard to just think it away) so i was driving my car about 120-130 km/h (75-80 mph). I see this heavy truck comes towards me.. let us says it could end up really bad. But here I am am, living this misseberly life. rember, life suck as much like a cold lunch box you just microwaved, you still eat it..// J I died inside but survied in real life",Suicidal +25109,The first time I really thought about suicide was around 7 years ago. I was 15 at the time and I never acted on the temptation and just stuck around. Fast forward to now and suicidal thoughts have become more intrusive. One of the things I thought about was if I would have committed suicide when I was younger I would not have missed out on anything. I just feel I cannot find my place in this life and I just basically stuck around for nothing. it is hard going further when there really is no point in me sticking around. Hopefully I make it through. Suicidal contemplation,Depression +25110,"I have heard it from my parents, family and closest dearest friends, at one point in the last 6 years, that they would be okay if I was not around any more. All of them let me know in their own unique way which fractured my soul in ways that i could not help but to feel compassion for them it is like God telling you to go ahead and kill your self",Suicidal +25111,"Sorry for the vent, not doing so hot at this momentIf I do not find a job that can support me with less than a 40 hr work week I really will pass awayWork has obliterated my mental health. Absolutely minced it. I am a she will.Talking with my parents about any topic a little related to work sends me into a panic and often ends with me breaking down, a big argument, a completely destroyed self esteem, and almost running away and going homeless and burning all bridges; I am no longer able to communicate logically.Cutting is part of my routine. I drink pretty much everyday and I have perfected the timing so my parents do not know I drink. Life has lost all color. There is almost nothing I have that makes me happy anymore.Idk what I did in my past life to deserve such torture. I think about suicide everyday. About taking my money and going on early retirement before ending it in 10 months cuz that is how much time the money will last. I do not think any job will make me happy. Everything I want to do comes with it a set of stressful realities. I am only 23, idk how much longer I can take all this Work is absolutely rolling my mental health, lmfao",Suicidal +25112,I do not even have a good reason for it I just do not enjoy life. My mental health just keeps getting worse and I just want to stop feeling like shit all the time. I want to die,Suicidal +25113,"and to socialize, or do anything teenagers are supposed to do. apparently these are supposed to be the best years of your life. lmao. my brains too fucked up to live a normal life",Depression +25114,"I cannot go on any longer. I have been struggling with depression for years, and suicidal thoughts for the past three specifically. what is the reason to go on any longer. I have no more fight left in me. I feel so lost. I need help",Suicidal +25115,"I fucked up my whole life. Every decision I make is the wrong one. I was good for a couple weeks was motivated to get a job and start being me again, but now I am spiraling down fast. Thinking about ending it all soon I cannot keep doing this. Giving up",Depression +25116,"Life is not worth living if I am going to struggle financially and lack abit too many skills which is to do with personality. I know that is not what the world is about but it has come to that. I am just a useless piece of sh** and I bet my family think so too even though they would not say that.I should definitely go.It feels like the easier and better option, but a hard one too. I might meet this guy for some cuddles, Ill make the most of it cos Ill never be able to feel that again. it will be the end. I have to firm it, I are not got a choice and I do not want to become a burden to someone else.It is what it is. I just need a way out of this mess, I have messed up badly and I think Ill struggle",Suicidal +25117,So I got prescribed Sertraline but have not taken it since I have no job or money.I do not know how I am supposed just pick a hobby to help me feel better but its too much work.I get bored easily and rather just lay in bed all day browsing Reddit since its easy How do you find fun in things?,Depression +25118,"I am angry that I do not have enough brain capacity to accomplish what I desire. Once upon a time I thought I had the world at my feet, because my teachers told me that I was brilliant, but then reality slapped me in the face after I graduated from college, and I have only gotten weaker and less capable ever since, for the most part. what is the point of living if you cannot afford to even survive, much less achieve the life you set out to build? Disabled Reject",Suicidal +25119,"I have always been depressed but only once it entered a stage where it was like a deep, dark sickness. I could not eat or sleep properly for weeks. Constantly throwing up, crying and enduring mental trauma just kicking and tossing on the bed unable to cope with the pain. I grabbed my combat knife and started slicing my arm, starting at the wrists. I cut as hard and as fast as I can, even a few times making a sawing motion with the knife on my wrist. The knife simply was not sharp enough to cut deep enough into my veins. I was dripping blood all on my clothing and bedroom floor. I got so frustrated and angry I could not kill myself then and there, I just blindly started cutting my arm all over in a fury; just begging God to let me die, chanting die in tears. I ended up willingly getting admitted into a psych ward after the police was called by my Mother.there is such a large amount of things that make me depressed but what took it to this extreme level was this girl. Years before I ever even saw her, I had this ideal in my head of the absolute most perfect girl that never existed and she matched it perfectly. Down from how she wears her hair, her accent, voice tone, nationality, dressing style, ethnicity, personality, mannerisms, sense of humor, body type, skin complexion, intelligence, height, talents, hobbies, etc I never met nor witnessed a girl that came anywhere close to her; in real life nor the internet. I always thought this type of girl my heart desired did not exist, only in fiction. I was so struck, I instantly became in love and admittedly obsessed. she is like an angel, such mesmeric beauty I become entranced. Slowly, without her my world became dull. I lost interest in my hobbies, stopped desiring my dreams and wishes, grew distant with my friends and family even more so than before. It became nearly impossible to get out of bed and I neglected myself, destroying my self image even more. I lost all my confidence in pursuit of her love. Needing her affection and presence more than my mind instinctively desiring food and water, fate has tested this many times.The only thing I care about is her, she is all my heart desires. I rather be poor, starving, homeless and dying of thirst as long as I have her in my life. I lost so much weight in my pursuit of happiness along with other body and mind transformations. No matter what, it seems I am not attractive enough for anyone. Not good enough, not man enough. This fate is worse than any death. Years went by where I got better (the depression and anxiety was still cripplingly bad) but now its coming back, again.I convinced myself I will transform to a man no women cannot resist, only then will I have a proper shot to her heart. Multiple years passed, I am now 24, my birthday was July 5th and I am still just terrible. My body shape is still goofy and unmanly, I am poor and I still do not have the confidence to even be myself in front of people. I am slowly starting to feel that familiar sickness growing in my mind and body. If this gets as bad as before, I do not think I will survive this time. I am becoming desperate to die again",Depression +25120,"My best friend is someone I would honestly and absolutely murder for. that is not a figure of speech. I would risk everything for this lil bastard. The fucker said to, and I paraphrase here 'do not take your life away. Even if you are not living for your sake, live for mine ' But buddy, old pal- you have put me in a predicament. A real old conundrum- I find my own life so goddamn pathetic. Tiring. A flaming wheel of bullshit that I created, and **I want to end.** I have been trying and trying so goddamn hard, but apparently it is really fucking hard to do. it is hard to kill yourself, no matter how many fucking times you do it. I care about you so damn much it hurts, and I know that...when the time comes, when i finally get that death rattle...I will have to cut you off to protect you. The worst part? you are smart enough you will see it coming. you will know why I am trying to cut you off. that is why we are friends. that is the only reason this death will hurt. Because it will hurt you. The old cain and able, maybe?",Suicidal +25121,I keep falling deeper into this hole and I cannot get back out. I am so tired of feeling this way and I just want it to end. I want to die,Suicidal +25122,"I was diagnosed with major chronic depression 10 years ago, but I have been struggling with it for pretty much my whole life.I have tried so many things to try to correct it. Counseling, medications, change of diet, exercise, CBT, IPT, meditation, moving, spending time with family and friends, hobbies, art, etc. There are ebbs and flows, and some of these things have helped, but I still feel broken, lost, hopeless. They keep saying, ""depression is very treatable. We will get it figured out."" But I am still depressed. I have PTSD, anxiety, hypothyroidism, sleep apnea, and chronic fatigue also, so I just feel like this hopelessly broken misfit.I keep trying. And every time something new is introduced, I get optimistic this will be the answer, but I do not know anymore.I feel like a burden, a disappointment, and a failure. I want to give up",Depression +25123,I am tired of being treated as inferior and like I do not matter and I am alone. it is not going to end well if I keel being treated this way. everyone is against me and I am so angry I want to die,Suicidal +25124,Je cherche juste une personne a qui me confie. en pleine dprime et incompris ennuie et dpression,Depression +25125,I am hurting inside... and I do not know when its going to stop. I am tired,Depression +25126,"Somehow I manage to fuck things up every time. I am so fucking lonely, new friends rarely ever stick and I ust keep losing ones. I do not know how to be there for the people who i Care about and they do not know how to be there for me. I do not want to be a burden I am tired of not doing things right",Depression +25127,"Not really suicidal per se but I have always had one thought from the past that has effected me even up until this point. I used to work at a grocery store called Publix and was a produce clerk for a while. Anyways this memory from the past consists of my assistant manager being frustrated with me because I did not get enough product out in a set amount of time. I remember his face getting red and yelling at me on the floor in front of customers telling me to go home because I was not of any help. This was the type of manager to order so much product and make his workers pack so much shit it was disgusting. He used to hide products behind the shelves just so that it would ""get out"" and make him not look bad. Idk why this specific memory just makes me feel like shit but it is a time where I tried my hardest to do something and I was belittled so much by this jackass that his red infuriated face is still stuck in my memory. Depression",Suicidal +25128,"I think I am finally done with life. By all measurable counts of success, I failed at life. I am not attractive, rich, funny, never had a girlfriend at the age of 23. I cannot find a job in my field. People always bullied me since I was a kid so I did not really have too many reliable friends and the ones I did end up either backstabbing me or moving away. I am just tired of life and everything. The only person that would miss me really badly i believe is my mom but at this point i stopped caring about how she felt. I think I am going to do it by falling off a large building because i do not really have means to anything else and this seems the most painless. August 30th is the day I chose",Suicidal +25129,"I think I do not know how it feels to feel ""normal"" anymore. I was kind of suicidal in winter but felt okay since spring. And now I Just feel like my depression was never away, I am not suicidal or anything but like, i just realized that I still cannot enjoy anything and have almost no energy or motivation to do anything.It has become so normal for me now that I did not even see it as something badI'm not going to therapy right now. I have only ever had two appointments with my last therapist. She was really cold, unempathetic so I do not go there anymore Sometimes I forget that my symptoms are symptoms and that it is not normal to feel this way",Depression +25130,"No one will talk to me. Even my current partner will not talk to me. When we do they just get mad that I am not doing this or that. I even reached out to my family that I have had to switch to minimal contact with and of course they are the way that they are. I cannot make friends. Everyone leaves. I do not even need to talk about my mental illnesses. I will talk about anything. Literally anything. I feel ostracized by life and I used to have this little beam of hope when I would get like this but it is extinguished. I will never be okay, it is been made more than apparent. I am so incredibly isolated it is maddening.",Suicidal +25131,"tw.I am about to do it and made this account to leave this message for my family and friends to find. to my family and friends: it is not *not* ur fault. you knew all along. you knew before it was too late. you found out and should have done somthing . you pushed me to a point where there was nothing i could do excpet cut. i got all thoes a's and b's i made it on honour roll i got into gt classes yet that was just ur expectation. you were proud if me untill i got e's all year except quarter 4 when i got a 92% and you did not care. you yelled and screamed and made me cut myself over it because i felt like a disapointment. i just wanted you to be happy and proud. i only ever wanted that i gelt so bad for getting all of thoes bad grades so i studied 4 hours a day for an a and when i told you all you said was what do you want for dinner. to my sister: you take away my razor so i used a knife. now i love how deep it goes and the blood that spills out. i tell you why i wanted to do it ... because of your friend who keeps coming over. i tell you that they make fun of me and make me want to do it I TOLD YOU ALL OF THIS SO YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND I THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET IT BECAUSE YOU MADE IT SEEM LIKE you CARED BUT i guess you did not. because she still came over. to my mom: where do i even start? the whole 13 years of my exsistance have been nothing but tourture, pain and, abuse from you. you abused me and my sister untill the cops dragged me away to live with my dad who continued to abuse. then you act like you did not do anything because NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. you lie and tell me i am nit fat when i am. i know that i am. but you just awnser my problems with no help yet i help you with all the awnsers i can muster up. you caused me to b like this you took away my friends and then tell me they are overratted all i ever wanted was somone who cares. i had somone like that and you took him away. to my dad: STOP FCKING MOVING ME AROUND. bury my body or my corpse at the school i loved best. the only place i will continue to live on. i am in a home but not my home. a house but not my house. a family but nit my family. do not you understand? telling me not to cut my self and not to scratch myself is not enough there were things you couldhave done and should have done. on a happy note i get to die in love. unlike many peoplei got to meet my true love even though it was not ment to last we started of as friends who were in love and then became best friends who were in love. and we ended as great friends who are in love. i wish i talked to you sooner and i wish this was not the last you heard of me since 4th grade but it is and I am sorry.amazing people do amazing things. and you were the best. i die with regrets but not with vengance. i am not mad. i am letting my feelings go with this post. i have done things too and hope that you will let that go like how i am doing. (not through a suicide not but yk what i mean) so thank you everyone for letting me get to know you and thank you everyone for getting to know me. it has been an excruciating time with you lol but it has not always been and that is what counts. love you lol and see you on the flip side. kachow. for my family/friends:",Suicidal +25132,"Does anyone else get sudden shifts in mood? Though I am depressed most of the day, I have had a few instances where I go from feeling ok to extremely depressed and sick within a matter of seconds. This is probably something more serious despite my clean MRI, but was wondering if anyone else experienced it by chance. Sudden mood drops?",Depression +25133,"Just drove out of state to a hotel with a rope.I am here and I cannot follow through with hanging myself in this room. I do not want to be alive, but I am too afraid to commit suicide. it is mind boggling how people can go through with it.If I had access to a gun, it would be a lot easier. (I think)it is going to be a rough fucking year. I have pulled myself out of deep holes before, but this time I just cannot. But it seems like it is my only option, because I am too scared to even commit suicide. this fucking sucks. Chickened out",Suicidal +25134,"I have such a stupid monkey brain it is insane. All I ever did was seek out drugs/porn to give me a rush of dopamine and escape. I do not have the ability to form relationships, and I am basically completely dysfunctional. I have no confidence or self-esteem, I could not imagine trying to build a life in this hellscape. It feels like If be better off dead with the way my mind is. I have literally turned ilmy brain to mush and burned every opportunity in life handed to me. I am pretty sure I already met the girl who would have been my dream girl had I been the person I wanted to be, but did not have the strength nor intelligence to become. I do not know if it is all my fault or if I am just hardwired to be this way. But everything in my life just seems to go to shit. Nothing but entropy and disorder. I am just a shit person who cannot handle the stresses and bureaucratic nature of life.",Depression +25135,"I have been inside my home for more than two years (before the pandemic. Long story.). I barely go out, just when I have to work or buy groceries. I used to hang out with my college friends, but they come and go... untill they do not. I do not drink, do not smoke, do not use drugs, so it is kind of hard for me to enjoy a party (who would invite me to a party if I do not know anyone). I have been looking for gaming pals, friends and maybe even a relationship lately. But it never works, my anxiety makes me ghost them or getting ghosted, because I feel I am not worth their time. I only have two friends left: a fwb, which I do not even like anymore, I just do not want to be alone; and a friend I met here, but I feel like she is getting tired of me, as always. Video games do not do the trick anymore, working out became part of my routine and I lost a lot of weight (but I feel uncomfortable, because I feel like somebody will like me because I am kind of bulky and not because of my personality. That happened once and I felt like shit). I... do not even want people to comment here. I feel like I am just trying to vent and that is okay for me. I am starting to think I will die alone and I think I will accept that fate soon. I wake up every morning and see my phone with zero notifications. Not even a call. No one cares about me, not even my family. I spend holidays alone, I do not even celebrate my birthday. I feel like I live just because I do not know what is on the other side. I am getting tired of this... I have been lonely so much time I do not even know how to keep a friendship anymore.",Depression +25136,"I am in quite a slump, as in today I am really feeling depressed and alllllll I want to do is go back to bed. While this is perfectly OK, I also wanted to make sure I do some stuff before shutting down (and avoid some self guilt/shame). I sent off my photograpy portfolio and I am going to chuck together a potato and chickpea curry to let simmer until lunch. Today that is what doing my best looks like. Bring on the Buzzfeed unsolved marathon. Wby? What does your best look like today?",Depression +25137,"I finally decided to drop out of collegeI simply could not endure it anymore, I cannot keep torturing myself with all the stress and anxiety that it gives me everydayThe whole day I have been feeling miserable about it, because...I lostLike I always do You did it depression, I lost",Depression +25138,"I cannot go anywhere, I have to work and I am alone for another birthday. Only thing stopping me is my faith in Allah. Alhamdulillah Tomorrow is my 19th birthday and all I want to do is kill myself",Suicidal +25139,If you respond to this post trying to tell me I deserve to live or any meaningless platitudes based on zero evidence I will personally bite off your head and spit out your eyeballs If people knew all the reasons I hate myself half of them would be encouraging me to kill myself,Suicidal +25140,"Legit, what the fuck is the point of life.You live for what, 80 years on average, and ultimately die. does not matter if you become rich or famous, you are bound to die anyways.Most people have to suffer and work their asses off just to have a normal lifestyle.Every time my mom asks me, what I want to do with my life, I am like, ""I really just do not see a point.""Somebody enlighten me. Life is meaningless.",Suicidal +25141,I have been diagnosed with recurrent depression along with GAD and ADHD. I am not really sure what this means and I am in a particularly down feeling today. Id love to talk to someone who maybe also has this or knows more. Pls remove this if it breaks any rules. Needing a friend to chat with,Depression +25142,I am ready to end my life. I am honestly so close to making a noose out of my dogs leash. Trying to watch Conan to take my mind off it but I just cannot. And I cannot survive and go back to the hospital. I just cannot. I lied to my therapist today when she asked if I had things I can use to hang myself. I said I do not knowing full well that I do. I feel so incredibly guilty. I deserve to die. I want it to end,Suicidal +25143,"I honestly have no idea if I am depressed or not. I mean, I am depressed. I am extremely sad. Do I need meds? I do not know. I am trying to convince so I do not want to take meds. I have good reasons to be depressed so I do not think I have a mental disorder - as I know them. I cannot even list the tragedies in the last year. Besides the pandemic. Lost my job. Lost my city with my friends. Moved to my hometown. My moms dementia spiraled and she is been living with me. She was my best friend. Now she is paranoid sad mean. Its awful. My stepmom diagnosed with colon cancer. I have had two miscarriages. I do not know what to do with my life. My jobs not in this city but I cannot leave my family. I could go on and on. But I am still able to count my blessings. And there are many. But I find myself unable to do things. Unable to concentrate. Read. I am losing things. I am crying myself to sleep every night. I am accomplishing nothing for my own life or cfuture. I am trying to hang onto my boyfriend and pretend in front of him. My mom is moving in with my sister next week. So Ill have her less. Maybe that will help. As long as my family is sick and I am not pregnant I just do not see how Ill ever be happy again. And my 40th bday is next month. Can we say mid life crisis. Not sure if I am or what to do",Depression +25144,"Hi. I am almost 27 and I have nothing achieved in life. I am jobless, no relationship and I live with my parents. I do not know what I want when it comes to job. I spend my time watching videos and talk with friends. I am compared last year mentally and physically better but I still suffer what to do in life, it is like I am stucked somewhere and I cannot get out. I feel sometimes suicidal. I feel bad",Suicidal +25145,"Finally after around 3 and a half years, I made myself get a job. I started down a habit of isolating myself from people, which lead to not taking care of myself, and that turned into weird looks from strangers that fueled the anxiety even more. Eventually I had hid away completely and sat in the depression, looking up ways to fix myself for sometimes entire days. Now that its been 3ish years fermenting like that I am pretty messed up. I have horrible resting bitch face. I do not reach out to people, been told its NPC energy... but when I do talk to someone, my smile is cringely forced and my voice is definitely forced.I work in a grocery store and I get a lot of looks and customers acting scared or worried ect. Does anyone have any tips for becoming less stressed out and serious about everything? Or at least acting more acceptable like that? How do I stop acting so extremely serious and depressed?",Depression +25146,"I feel like I am so easily replaceable. My mother has another daughter, my sister has a best friend, one much better than I, my brother has another sister, my friends have another friend, my gaming buddies have another gaming buddy, my teachers have another student, my love will find another woman, my beloved pets have another owner. I just wish I were like all of them all of you. there is no way I could be remembered if I have made no significant impact or change to this world or to the ones around me, so truly, will I be remembered?Will I be longed for after my death, will they cry at my grave? Will they even remember my ashes in a can? Will I be missed, if I took my life? Truly, will anyone miss me if I took my life?",Suicidal +25147,"As of the time I am writing this, its 1:46 Am, July 7th, the day before my birthday. In the last couple months, I have had alot to endure. Alot of death, internal struggles, physical problems and more and I have forced myself to endure it all because I do not want to stay weak. However, the more I think about my past, the more I think about events that should have been critical in my life, the more I realise it. I am not weak, I am just... pathetic. As much as I want to blame toxic masculinity for things like mostly being unable to cry (not kidding, I rarely cry with tears because I literally cannot produce them as much as I would like), trying to stay tough and more, it is dawned on me that I am simply pathetic. I shut myself off from the world, from people and blame others for things I have failed at while I know damn well it is my own fault. I have refused to let people in not because of fear I would get hurt, but either because I plainly did not care, because I refused to accept them into my life or because I was ""too busy"" with my own bullshit and simply wanted to go home and lay in bed doing nothing. Its why the memory of my grandfather, almost weeping because of pain and speaking to my family haunts me. While he was in more pain I could imagine, I was on my phone waiting to go home. I have reached nothing in my life, and as much as I say my life is simply not interesting, I have never tried to make it interesting. I have always been too busy taking care of my own menial problems and saying ""I am too busy for anything,"" and when I do start something new, 9 times out of 10 I quit it because I just do not give enough of a fuck to see it through. Though I am still young, many of my peers have already had much more succes than me. Be it in a financial way, a romantic way, a social way, everyone I know has exceeded me. Even the ones who I never thought would do so well blew me by, leaving me in the dust. The funny part is... I deserve it. I have always been a piece of shit. Mentally fragile, egotistical, greedy, selfish, jealous, sadistic, easily angered and more. Its resulted in me being an empty she will of a human being, always exhausted, always in pain and unworthy of being alive. I have tried to compensate for the horrible person I used to be, but by doing that I have almost completely stopped caring for and about myself, and though today I heard my boss say he admired that I put others before myself, I know who i used to be. And, as much as I try to compensate and grow... I know best what I truly am: pathetic. My body can often barely keep up, I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained, I am incredibly depressed, always feel sick, I am lazy, always try to get others to do shit for me, I am envious and so much more, but most of all, I am empty.I do not care of I get hurt, I do not care if I am healthy, I do not care if I wake up in the morning, I do not care for shit. Call me out in the comments all you want, insult me or whatever, I do not care anymore. I know how horrible of a human being I am, and I know I am not worth your time or anyones time for that matter. I am sorry for wasting your time, but for what it is worth, thanks for reading this. The sudden realisation: I am pathetic.",Depression +25148,"I mess up all the best things in my life and if I do not they get taken anyways. I cannot even sleep anymore to escape. I stay up for days now because I am either tormented by nightmares or get stuck in thought about what I used to have. I was happy for a little while and had realized I did not want to hurt people by ending things. I have since lost what made me happy and am tired of living just so people do not have to feel bad about me dying. I do not want to live an empty existence. I cannot beat this and I think I know when I am going to do it. I am thinking about leaving notes to a couple of people, but I am not sure if that will make it worse or not. Maybe just a simple apology. I just want to go.",Suicidal +25149,"I wish people were not allowed to lie. Also, what is love? Because I hear it often but I sure do not feel it. The people I thought were there for me, were not when I needed them the most. Typical.",Depression +25150,"Previous post: I went to a big BBQ with family and friends which usually means drinks and someone with a vape pen. I did not partake in either and I have to say that I am really proud of myself. The good feeling I have is definitely motivating, and in a small way, I feel like I have a purpose these days by just making it through without those things. I remember feeling similarly when I quit cigarettes: I would remind myself that even if I was having a shit day, I was not smoking and that was good enough.I went to therapy today and told my therapist about how I have been actually feeling BETTER finally. I was happy to tell her that I am feeling more like myself. I do not know whether I should give credit to the med change or the absence of drinking/smoking but we figured that there is no need to figure that out just yet-- I just need to roll with it for now. I hope that this feeling lasts. DAY 6 of doing the right thing",Depression +25151,"I wish I knew how to start this post. I am A, a 33 year old CIS, white, married man. I live in one of the richest countries in the world. I eat everyday, I sleep indoors, I am employed, and I love my wife. Despite all this, for most of my life and especially the last few months, all I want is to die.I have tried therapy and medication and I still feel like there is no meaning to my life and that the people I care about truly would benefit from not having to deal with me. I have gone no contact with my family for the last two years, I have been ghosting my friends for the last 7 months because ultimately, I know what is coming and I do not think I can stop it.I am just so tired and empty now that I do not know how to keep going and I do not really even want to anymore. I am tired of pretending I am fine and breaking down when I am alone. I am tired of trying to find the motivation for errands and chores and hobbies and friends and living.I guess I am here as a last ditch chance. Counseling, friends, and family have not been able to 'fix' me, maybe some stranger on the internet will have the words. No pressure, Reader. I walked myself to the edge; you are just the deep breath before the fall. I feel like I am finally at the bottom",Suicidal +25152,"No matter what the method is, killing yourself is always going to be awful. And when you have such little motivation to do anything its hard to psyche yourself up to just do it. But if killing myself was as simple as pushing a button, Id have done it long ago. I am not afraid of dying, its the thought of having to continue living that terrifies me. If I could kill myself by pushing a button Id have done it long ago",Depression +25153,"Id be lying if I said I have not been thinking about suicide for a while now. Growing up black, gay AND muslim my life has been beyond miserable in the sense everywhere I go have to worry about if people are going to be either racist homophobic islamphobic to me and my family being poor and extremely conservative demanding muslims does not help at all. It just feels like my lifes a constant struggle and having a traumatic childhood and highschool experience that made me lose a lot of self esteem and confidence really fucked me up. I always feel this looming pressure to be someone I am not and it just stresses me out. Why did I have to go through this life it feels like there is no going up from here and I am only 18. I cannot stand living on this earth any longer and my thoughts throughout the day just consist of trying to minimalise the importance of my existence so that it would be easier for me to leave this world. I have been having these thoughts for a while now and they just get stronger with time. Is there anything I should try doing before I completely end it all? Suicide feels like my only escape",Suicidal +25154,"I feel like things just keep getting worse. I lost my motivation for everything, I do not speak to anyone anymore and honestly I am just feeling more and more sad and full of anger. it is all because a fucking relationship from 4 years ago, all because of it. I loved her more than anything, she was literally my first real love and then she just.. dumped me. I hate her, I literally hate her but I cannot stop thinking about her. I tried everything, going out, getting in new relationships, drinking, but nothing will work. I just cannot forget about her. I just want her out of my mind, I want to be able to be happy again, because those 4 years were the most painful years of my life. I have felt like giving up so many times and I have cried so many times and I have lost so many friends and I just cannot keep going through this. I went to therapy, and the only thing that helped me for a short time were the pills they gave me. But even those started to lose their effect. So please, tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do? I cannot keep going through this, I am starting to completely break down. I am literally desperate. it is been 4 years and stuff is only getting worse",Depression +25155,"Idk if I would be upset if a stray bullet entered my dome though. Really over being alive and just want to die, but I do not want to kill my self.",Suicidal +25156,I have been suicidal on and off for 4 years and the only reason i have not gone through with it is because i feel too guilty about how devastated my mom would be. I have been shitty enough already. but lowkey its torture lol. i thought i was getting better but i keep pushing away everyone and at this point i know i deserve to be treated like shit and have no right to get upset or angry. I am sick of feeling and living . again. it happens over and over and over it never ends but i cannot do anything to stop it. idek why I am posting in here i have not left my house in like 4 days and have cut off everyone except my roommate the only thing that is been keeping me alive is guilt,Suicidal +25157,"Long story short I have been chronically ill and depressed for 17 years. I have never claimed disability even though I was probably eligible for it. I have worked on and off over my life but had long periods of unemployment due to health issues.4 years ago I returned home to my parents after living away for a few years and life fell apart. I had been home for about 6 months and my mental health was rapidly declining. I had not worked, I would finished a long term relationship, I would come back from a very different life and and I was lost. I decided to claim universal credit/job seekers and get myself back on track. But my mum had had some inheritance money from my grandparents sitting in her account for many years and she decided to give it to me just before I claimed.I did not realise but there was a threshold for claiming that I now just exceeded, literally by a few hundred pounds. And I was not eligible to claim because of it.I have now been at home for nearly 4 years. I have been in a living nightmare. My mental health has fallen apart and I have been at absolute rock bottom including regular suicidal thoughts and tendancies. I have not worked this whole time and barely do a thing. I have sought help for mental health but I had the most awful traumatising experience and had all my 17 years of chronic health conditions disputed and was told I was not depressed and ""just needed to take responsibility for my life"". I was literally laughed out of the room after saying I was very close to suicide especially on one occasion. I am now 37 and have thrown away the last part of my youth. I have been beyond utterly miserable and lost and ruined my and those around me's lives.It dawned on me again today that had my mum not given me that inheritance money right then, I would have been able to claim universal credit and I would have been forced into getting a job and I would have been back on track. Instead my severe anxiety, depression and health conditions stopped me from being able to make any decisions and I entered a bleak world of nothingness where I did nothing but sit in a world contemplating the pointlessness of existence, wailing myself to sleep in absolute desperation and feeling like the most worthless piece of meat ever to exist. Why did I just not give the money back and claim again. It would have forced me into a world of normality and I would not be where I am.I simply cannot take it and every day is a nightmare. Nothing seems worth it. I have no joy and everything seems pointless. I cannot believe what I have put myself and my family through. I do not think I can ever get over this and I am still just as trapped and unable to move on in my life. I am balling my eyes out now and I wish I would never existed.Please, I need some words of help. Having major anxiety at realisation and rumination from my past 4 years of miserably wasting my life, lost, and doing absolutely nothing. Need calming down please.",Depression +25158,"I know that there are people that care for me. On the outside I have a good life. But my mental problems are way too often overlooked. Ever since I started my job I have been extremely stressed. I have at least 1 panic attack every shift and before the work day starts, I fantasize of various ways to hurt myself enough to 1. Get out of work and 2. Be seen as mentally ill enough by my parents to get the help I need. I think I will overdose on my antipsychotics tonight. My intention is not suicide, and may as well be just attention seeking, but I genuinely cannot receive help otherwise. I am simply out of options. Scared of Suicide but out of Options",Suicidal +25159,"I am going to set a date. I have realized that part of my inability to commit is because I am a fucking coward. If I set a date that I know I will do it, I will finally have something in life to look forward to. Hopefully it will also help calm me down during the frequent times that I feel so hopeless I get irritable and angry. Having the date will remind me that soon it will all be ok and that I just have to hold on until the date. Now, what should I be considering when I set my date? What to consider when setting a date?",Suicidal +25160,"hello everyone!I have been pretty upset recently about myself as an individual and read a few self help/self love blogs which constantly reassure me that its okay some people are more successful than me and we should love and value ourselves just the way we are. but, what if i wanted to be greedier? what if i wanted to be selfish? i write fanfiction online for years now and seeing other people more successful than me hurts. an online friend recently started writing as well and they are more successful than i am. i understand that i am being petty and jealous but that is how i truly feel. in a lot of aspects in my life if were being honest: work, when i was in school, hobbies, etc. is it so wrong of me that i want success and have conditioned myself into believing being good or successful in whatever it is i do equates to the value of my worth? is it so wrong that i crave success instantly rather than waiting for the future to bring me a dash of success later as so many blogs have said? I am not talking about fame or fortune but a pat in the head would be nice from time to time. accepting the fact that people are more successful (and talented) than you is painful",Depression +25161,"This is more of a rant than a need for advice. everyone is living their life. My siblings went off, got married, had kids, and are busy all the time. My best friend, who I have always been in love with since we were in high school, got in a new relationship and does not call me anymore. The boy I started to like a lot, ghosted me out of the blue. And that just felt like another abandonment.Friends that I cared about, ended our friendship over something they did and blamed me for. I have no job. My moneys running out. And I am just getting closer and closer to dying.When I die, all of these people will say how close they were to me. And yet, at the first chance they got, they were all gone. I have been going to the lake park near my house almost every night. I think its the place Ill drown myself in. This life is just too much for some of us. No matter how many chances and tries we give it, sometimes we just were not meant to live to see old age. I have done a lot of things in my life. Made a difference in peoples life. Ill be remembered by someone. I have stayed around for my family. Stayed around for the hope that one day, something will remind me that I am still alive. everyone is keep telling me things will be different, but I have felt this way since I was a teenager.I always said, Id die at 27. Be a part of the 27 club. Just to be a part of something. But even that seems like an impossible dream to make it to.I am tired. And I keep seeing my mother calling to me to come home. I miss her. She was the only one that ever understood me. And I just want to go be with her and put myself out of this misery. I ask God every night to not let me see the next day. And yet, here I still am. everyone is moved on, and do t even notice I am slipping",Depression +25162,"I feel so empty, the things that made me happy no longer even excite me, I am tired of overthinking about eveything! I try everyday to become better to become happier but I fail everyday and it just makes me more and more miserable. I never wanted to come to counselling in the fear of what my parents and friends would think but I am tired, i feel drained/exhausted most of the times. I trusted people they broke my trust now its difficult to open up or trust anyone, i have built these walls that i want to take down, but each time i break it it becomes bigger and bigger! I have no clue why am I even here and why am i writting this but i definetly need help, the longer i wait the longer I am drowning in my mind. As a kid I was sexually assulted and i have not told this to anybody and the longer i keep this inside me its killing me everyday. when I try to escape reality i get on social media and after i while i end up comparing myslef with others like why am i not making money? what am i going to do with life? That person is enjoying his or her life why cannot I? Why cannot i have anybody to love and after all this when i start to pain a little more i turn to drugs before it was just for fun but now it has become a daily routine to get stoned and numb the feeling. I had planned to end my life countless times but each time i think so i also think about my parents and i stop. I am hardly even eating, either I eat twice a day or sometimes even once a day and the best part is i do not even know why am i starving myself to death. The other day I came across this text that said ""You smoke to escape, I smoke to die early"" and i do not know why ever since that day I want to just end it all and put a stop to all this pain. At this point in life I think is there anything worth livig for? no one cares and i hate myself. I NEED HELP!",Depression +25163,"I HATE THIS! Life was never easy and it is never going to get easy, but why? Why in the fucking world does my love life have to be the way it is? Sometimes I wish I could be a normal guy who could have crushes, fall in love, and have no issues with anyone. I never wanted issues with anyone. God, I rather die than have another crazy ex. Everything is stressful enough, I failed school, I can barely take care of myself, I cannot clean my room or do anything that actually matters. I wish I was never born. I wish I could stop causing problems. I just did not want to be alone. I do not want to be all alone. I do not know what the fuck to do with myself anymore. I NEVER asked to be alive",Suicidal +25164,I am about to join the 22. 22 Veterans die each day in the you.S.A.,Suicidal +25165,I quit I am one small setback away from fuck it,Suicidal +25166,"I do not feel anything no more. I am sixteen years old and my whole body is covered with scars, i cannot cut myself anymore without cutting old scars open. I have wanted to kill myself since i was 12, I have nothing to live for and everyday is the same. People have always told me that it will get better only makes it worse by saying those empty words. I am not seeking help here, its too late for that. This is more of a last goodbye.This is the only thing that could make the pain go away. Goodbye. Its too late for me.",Suicidal +25167,"I do not want to die but my family has essentially abandoned me. I essentially either die a painless death while I have the opportunity to, or I watch my life fall apart slowly over the next 4 months as everyone is disappointed in me, I lose my job, I get evicted from my condo, my credit score crashes, and my mental health deteriorates while all of this goes on. Then I am living in a tent in the woods until I starve or freeze to death. I have autism and ADD and I cannot handle living alone in a city I am unfamiliar with. My parents kicked me out over my autistic outbusts and had me buy a place and will not let me back in. I do not know what to do. Do I live as though I only have a few months left to live and watch as my life falls apart? Or do I run before I see everything fall apart and leave in a half-decent mental state? Some people say to hold onto the chance that my parents will show pity and let me back in if I am homeless. Part of me thinks that is not happening and so I think I would rather end my life painlessly while I have the chance to. And yes, I have done extensive research and it is very easy to have a painless death. There is something you can buy for about $100 where all you do is release it in an enclosed space and within 1 minute you pass out, within 5 minutes you die a painless death. Life suffering with autism and add, or death",Suicidal +25168,"we have come to know each other so well. We almost seem like a couple. I know she is really fond of me, as I am of her, but in a different way. She has texted me 'I love you' as a form of appreciation (the friendship kind of one) and I can never say it back. If I would say it back, I would mean it in another way. The way that would be considered impossible due to the incompatibilities regarding our sexual orientations. I cry a lot. I think it is the feeling of a treasure within inches of reach, but knowing I will never get to grasp it. Our relationship is a perfect one, but an impossible one. I [M20] am in love with my lesbian best friend",Depression +25169,I love music so much. that is it. I just love music.it is the only way I can protect my emotions. Music is my saviour.,Depression +25170,"No point leaving all my accounts up, mainly for privacy I guess. Not that I am going to know any different but feels like something I should do? Idk I want to scrub my social media in preparation but have no idea where to start",Suicidal +25171,Does anyone else feel empty or almost blank inside? like your life is stale and everything is a repeating pattern that will never end. I feel empty,Suicidal +25172,"Hello I am new to Reddit I just found this group today. I am (29F) wondering if anyone else was confused on whether they had depression or if it was something else? I am a mother of two under 5. We wake up, I make them and my husband breakfast, get them dressed and they play all day but I cannot seem to find the energy to myself together. I will just sit on the couch or the floor with them while they play but my mind is either on overdrive or just so tired. Btw my children are happy and fed 3 meals a day with snacks in between, I do not neglect them. I neglect myself, does anyone else feel this way? If so what are things you are doing to help yourself? Is it depression or something else?",Depression +25173,"I do not feel anything anymore, i can cut my wrist and not even feel it. I see no meaning with my life. People telling me it will get better and that i will not feel like this forever just makes it worse. I am not seeking help here, i do not want people to try to help me no more. This is more like a last goodbye. Thanks to anyone that genuinely cared about how I actually felt. Nothing except suicide can help me anymore. Goodbye. I do not feel anything",Depression +25174,"I have been really digging deep into myself these past few months because I want to get better. I want to feel something other than inadequacy and pitifulness.Over the past few days I have come to the fact that I have an eating disorder, and I have been living with it for probably a little over 2 years and it has gotten progressively worse with age. I have also been thinking about how I talk to others. I have realised that I am too nice and I let people walk all over me, or I let mean comments pass by. I have decided I am not going to do that anymore, and when someone says something that I do not agree with, I am going to stand up for myself. I feel like a fraud. I feel like I am putting on thus facade to people to please people. Because I must admit it without being vain, I am...different than most people. I dress weird, I like old music, I am wiser than my fellow sixteen year old peers and I am a lot more articulate than my peers and that is probably because I read the classics and enjoy poetry. I am an intellectual person and in my family I am a black sheep, because everyone around me is a lot more shallow than I when speaking about topics and they just like different things than me. So when I am around other people, it is better not to speak than to say something that does not fit their norm and be laughed at and made fun of. To be honest, I would rather be alone than be in a group of people who share no interests than me. To me, that is probably the worst thing to deal with...people you just do not click with. If I could have one person who was just my other half, then I swear I would be happy for the rest of my life. That probably will not happen so I will not wish for it. I am a fraud.",Depression +25175,"which one is better for good vibes and comfortable sedation? i have a heavy depression and ptsd, thinking about end it all. or should i just get weed, this was the best for me, i was turnt up happy glowing and just high not caring about my ptsd and confident motivated to live Amitripyline or Venlafaxine",Depression +25176,So it is the middle of the night. I was preparing to hang myself. I was strugleling with the belt I wanted to use because it would not stay in place. Then I heard a cough of my father from my parents bedroom. I paniced and put everything back as fast as I could. I was so afraid he might catch me. I think I just had my first failed attempt,Suicidal +25177,"Everyone I know is tired of me because I am sad all the time. I decided I want to turn my life around and I should not kill myself. But how do I stop wanting to? Thoughts about suicide are constant for me. But I cannot kill myself, so what can I do to stop these thoughts? So how do I stop feeling like this?",Suicidal +25178,"I just go through the motions, I find my body walking and taking me to places but I am not really there or present.Travelling, going to classesit like I am there but only 40%And when I try to remember how I got to a certain place I find myself at loss Most days I do not even feel like I am here",Depression +25179,"I hope I am not breaking any rules by asking, but i find myself more and more moving towards the possibility of taking Anti-Depressants.I feel like I am a she will of my former self for over a year and a half now. I left my previous job to go travelling at the start of 2020 and struggled with moving to Australia and felt so unsettled and hopeless and could not get a job.I returned a few months later with my gf but have not been happy since. I got a job which was the same as i had been working before, but a month after starting this, at the start of this year, my father passed away suddenly as it just feels like nothing will ever be the same again. Even when i do visit home i just feel like everyone is shells of their former selves and I am either feeling empty or emotional at things i would never would have been before, but this has been happening before my father passed also.I should also add that i was put on a few weeks leave with depression last summer but i feel like this was more so because i hated that job which i left soon after. Sorry for the ramble, but does anyone have positive or negative experiences of taking Anti-Depressants, as i just want to move forward in some way as its affecting my relationship with my girlfriend and i feel like she is not coping with the stress of seeing me upset and empty either and i just want some kind of normality back.Thank you. What is it like to be on Anti-Depressaants?",Depression +25180,"Before everyone jumps on me for being a terrible person, please know that I do already feel like a bad person. This cycle usually begins by me being crabby, and my partner not giving me enough space. It continues, because I really require alone time when I am crabby, and then my partner becomes needy and I find him annoying. It gets to the point where I can only think negative things about him and he seems to be the one creating my bad mood. Maybe I even hate him. I wonder why I am in this relationship if I hate my partner. Its very confusing. I wonder if it is the depression or the relationship. I am SO mad and angry for no reason. I am pretty sure its the depression. Why am I taking it out on my spouse? Why does everything he does make my skin crawl? Periods of hating my partner",Depression +25181,Nega gets bigga All of you all.Kill urself.Ur useless,Suicidal +25182,i do not know what to do anymore. no one wants me. exhausted,Suicidal +25183,This is my first ever medication for this. Hope this is the start of new bright journey and off of a road leading to nowhere. Day 1 of starting bupropion.,Depression +25184,"So recently I realised that I have just been emotionally numb. it is gotten to the point where I cannot even cry and I feel like my friends have started to notice too. For example, when I finished college it was an emotional time and everyone was crying but I just felt nothing. Even though they were some of my closest friends that I would hardly see again.The worst part is I have taken to self harming once again, something I thought I had finally gotten over. Before when I self harmed I would feel guilty and ashamed at what I had done but now it is just nothing. Even when it was worse, I still feel nothing at all. it is like I am an empty she will of what I used to be. I am Just Numb",Depression +25185,this hurts so bad. Today I feel so worn out and lonely.,Suicidal +25186,"I keep feeling like my suicidal feelings are invalid because I have not had the trauma to have them. I have lived a good life compared to many people, my mum and her side of the family all love me and I do not have many friends but the ones I do have all care about me. So I do not know why I feel so sad and deeply lonely all the time and feel like I am not supposed to feel that way. I do not know if any of this is making sense but yeah. Imposter Syndrome",Suicidal +25187,"I live in UK and last year was big because the end of secondary school and had to do my exams, my parents got divorced and all I could hear from my dad which I lived with was how much he hates my mum, how she stole all of the money and got herself a house while we rent an apartment, this really fucked me up and I just could not study, I was not even doing anything else just laying in my bed contemplating life, I did not fail my GCSEs but I only got passes, I was really happy to go to college because maybe I will maybe meet new people, maybe even a girl who I would shoot my shot with (I have never been in a relationship before simply because I could not find anyone my type) my plans for college were big, A level maths, physics and computer science, well nothing worked out and now it is middle of holidays and I do not have my placements, i do not have a plan for life, i wanted to go to university and get a physics degree because that is what genuinely interested me but now I failed I cannot do shit about it. I was suicidal for past year on and off, it all really was tuned down by constant nicotine I put in my body which I am glad it exists because i can feel some happiness. I feel like I failed already, I feel like a disgrace to my family because everyone went to university, I want it to end, I would not want to be born in the first place. 16 and already feeling like I failed in life",Suicidal +25188,"Someone where I work committed suicide a few weeks ago. We just got a copy of his death certificate (for insurance purposes). Upon knowing the actual method he followed through with, I was immediately transported to the day I made my attempt. Huge panic attack. And I am just kind of curled up in the fetal position now. Trying not to draw parallels, but knowing the devastation that accompanies that moment... It just guts me. I am not sure what I am asking for here, but I really had nowhere else to put these feelings. Secondhand Trauma",Suicidal +25189,Hi all. I want finally recover from this shit. I have it already almost one year and I have enough. It becomes only worse.Can you give me some advice and tips how to recover?Maybe someone can recommend a good therapist?Do you have some good resources? Books? YouTube? Podcasts? Methods?I would be grateful for that. How can I recover?,Depression +25190,"Does anyone get a very, very, very heavy pressure on your chest. Its not painful or sore but can be very distracting because it feels like you cannot breath although you can? Breathlessness/Heaviness on chest",Depression +25191,Anything helps Going through a real rough time seeing if there are people here for support,Suicidal +25192,"My adopted parents and I have not gotten along in awhile due to my depression. They constantly act like I can get up each morning, take care of myself, find a job etc. I cannot I have told them time and time again I cannot.. they even lied to my therapist about it. They want to move out in less than a year now to retire and Ill have no where to go. Ill lose my health insurance so all the medicine I need to take each day will be gone. I told myself so many times the moment I am homeless is when Ill find a way to die. They care about their happiness more than they care about me.. I am tired of them lying to me telling me they care then turn right around and do something that proves they do not. My only chance of living is trying to apply for disability but they are so against it I just know they have sabotaged it some how so I am probably going to get denied over and over. I have told them my plans and they brush it off and think I am not serious. you can threaten us with that all you want. Etc its not a threat its a fact I am telling you what is going to happen to me because I know how I am I never asked to live and suffer like this. I do not want to be homeless and I do not want to die.. I have no other options.. Not much time left.",Depression +25193,"Title says it all. I am not encouraging this, but I feel kind of free in a way. it is like the things I have been struggling over are not such a big deal. I can accept that these issues are not going to keep happening, and that the pain I am in is only temporary. Not a life long sentence. I think that everyone has the right to end their own life if they are always in pain. I am disabled and have psychiatric conditions that make life absolutely miserable for me. I feel that no one cares because it is just all of the time. I am a burden on my friends & family. I feel bad that all of this is going to traumatize them but I just feel like they will move on, and not have to deal with all of the trouble that comes with my illnesses. I made a plan and downloaded a really detailed book. I have not felt this kind of relief ever knowing that I will not be suffering like I am for much longer.",Suicidal +25194,Feels weird saying that but I think I am there In a hotel going to get drunk and end it,Depression +25195,Not sure why I am writing but I feel like my life is just doomed. I really tried to be positive but all that seem to happen to me is negative and the annoying thing I cannot even complain too anyone because of the place I am in. Really do not see the point in living if I life is just going downhill from here. Barely have friends anymore and the thing it is my fault so I cannot blame them i am honestly a horrible person to be around. The thing I am stuck here and do not really see a way out. Feel like if I went to sleep and did not wake up the world would be better a place. Wish I was a man enough to rid the world of one mistake do not click just a mistake ranting,Suicidal +25196,"I am a male in my late 20s. I use to be okay. Not perfect but I reminisce about who I use to be. I use to be proud of myself, I use to think I was attractive, I use to be ambitious. I have been in a relationship for several years. At first it was fun, we connected in odd ways. The first year. Over the years its destroyed me. I have not felt desired in years, were in a dead bedroom, I absolutely hate myself because the only way I can see her naked is her old content that was online that everyone else could see, I am made to feel inadequate even though I am the sole income and have a good career, I am told I do not help out enough even when I do, there is always backhanded comments meant to be a joke, over the years I have been worn down. My self esteem is so bad now that she said I smelled today(I shower daily and do not work a labor job where I sweat), and I literally cried in the shower as nearly a 30 year old man over something that would have never bothered me before. My self esteem and self worth is so bad that I cannot even bring myself to leave this situation anymore. This has made me pathetic for literally no reason, I have not done anything wrong. The only thing that helps is an obsessive thought that Ill always be too pathetic to act on to end my life. Its the only comforting enough thought when I am laying down that let us me fall asleep. I do not have any plans nor am I actively suicidal but its the only thought that helps. Thinking about suicide is my only release.",Suicidal +25197,"Hello, for the past two years now its been so difficult to leave my bed. Every month gets worse. I wake up late and stay in bed till about 5 pm and then I will get up and maybe eat or get something to drink then go back and lay down and repeat. I have a therapist and tried several meds. Currently on Sertraline and Wellbutrin. I recently started trying to make a checklist but never did anything. I applied for social security, got denied and appealed. I have not finished that second round of paperwork and cannot bring myself to do it. I think it is already too late anyway.I am curious what being happy and carefree feels like. I have no hobbies or wants, but I would like to. (I have tried several things and I fail and get back into a depression episode.) I feel like I genuinely want to get better and am trying but I keep self sabotaging and its getting worse.I feel useless and unworthy. What options are there for me and for people this far gone? I currently live in Vermont and am a 23yr old Female. I have had depression and severe dissociation for as long as I can remember. Any advice? Staying in bed all day every day",Depression +25198,i need someone to talk to I am thinkng about killing myself and there are no hotlines in my country i need urgent help please help me,Suicidal +25199,"Its what the title says, no more, no less, I am a burden, I want to die, there is not point, nothing, and despite that I cannot fucking do it, Ill hurt I know that, and that scares me, so tell me why I want to but cannot, I need to know I want to kill myself but I am a fucking coward",Depression +25200,"I am trying to sell my house, get a new job, and move all at the same time and I cannot take the stress anymore. I worked my ass off for the the next 2 months and everything is coming together. I got an offer for a really good job (104K a year which is a ton of money for me) but I fucked up typing on the background check and put the wrong year for one of my positions (I put 2020-2021 instead of 2019-2020) and now it is all fucked up and they think I am lying about when I worked and I am worried about that they are going to take the offer away. All my friends and family say it is going to be fine but my depressed brain does not believe them. To make matters worse I already quit my other job once I got this job because they needed me to start in August. If I do not get this job I do not know what I am going to do. I literally just laid in bed all day today. I was so looking forward to having a break but now I do not even know if I will be getting the new job. All I wanted was a month off to do what I wanted knowing I would be okay, but now I cannot even enjoy the time because I am so worried about not getting the job because of this dumb fucking background check typo. Today was really rough for me I just feel like I completely crashed",Depression +25201,"It was the only thing that *internally* made my symptoms better. I finally had energy to get up and go, to get tasks done. It made my already short fuse microscopic. I took it for 2 years with a couple of breaks, and only after being off of it for 7 months, I realize I was basically in a hypomanic state the whole time I took it. I was not myself, but at least I could actually get out of bed in the morning. Zoloft made me manic as well. I am afraid to take anything but I desperately need it. My therapist does not think I am bipolar since my mania has been exclusively triggered by meds.. so I feel completely helpless. My depression is currently eating me alive but I have every intention of helping myself, I just do not know what to do. Can anyone relate? Wellbutrin (Bupropion) turned me into a monster",Depression +25202,"I do not have any friends. I am literally alone and by myself all the time after work. My mom is the only one that cares for me and buys/cooks me food. I just realized now that I am only staying alive because of her. I do not think I can handle living without her. Keeping friendships is the hardest thing I can do. As much as I want to connect with other people, they do not want the same no matter how much I try. I am 32 now and I barely have any hope for a happier life. Life has been brutal and I do not have the strength to stand back up. All I ever wanted was to have good friends and perhaps a family. I do not care about money or power. I do not have it in me to stay strong for long. Thank god my mom is healthy but I think of suicide everyday. I am only staying alive because I do not want to because her any pain.Someone please help me. I do not know what to do. I am going to commit suicide when my mom dies.",Suicidal +25203,"I just really want to die. I am at this point where I do not have anything for me in my life. I have an extremely difficult time talking to people and connecting with them at all that makes anything remotely social insanely hard and scary and when I do somehow make a connection, they always leave and I am alone. I have a singular person I am close to but that is it. People always say oh you do not need more than one close friend but its just that I cannot like actually function or connect with anyone else and its frustrating and I just feel like I am always on the outside and isolated and its all so difficult. And I cannot even enjoy anything anymore and all I do is force myself to go to work at a job I hate everyday just so I can live to go again. Its an endless cycle of awfulness that feels like does not even have a point. I am just empty and want to kill myself. I have tried hanging myself but it just broke out of my wall and I just idk I do not know what to do",Suicidal +25204,"Empty hollow feeling in my chest, the only thing that feels close to good is letting out a sigh !!!",Depression +25205,"he will weaponize basically anything against me, especially things I said as a dumbass 14 year old. when was 14, I went through like a 1 month phase of liking k-pop, specifically bts, by now, whenever I hear music come up while he is around I automatically go on edge, waiting for him to walk over and tell the person (the better we know them the better) how I am completely in love with the boy band bts, and how I am a crazy fan, when literally it was one month and I am gay so I am not attracted to them at all. Also I had a phase where I really liked anime, innocent stuff like Inuyasha and fullmeal alchemist, however, he claims that all anime is Hen\*ai and whenever we are around other people, like a family gathering or my grandparents house I have to get him things and do stuff for him or else he will tell everyone I have a hen\*ai addiction. he also will sort by anime on Netflix on the tv and look at the weirdest stuff and then call me over to tell me how much I love that show (which I usually have never even heard of before) This is just a small amount of what he will do and I am too scared of what he will do if I go to anyone for help so I do not know what to do my brother torments me and I cannot take it much longer",Suicidal +25206,"Every day I feel like I am in constant pain, my mind will not shut off and its this constant discomfort of anxieties and dissatisfaction. I do not understand why were expected to stay alive. I want to end it but I am too afraid of it not working and I do not know what else. It does not help to hear from the people in my life who do not want me to do it. I wish someone could help because I do not think I can do it but it feels unbearable to keep going I want to hear from people who will not talk me out of it",Suicidal +25207,"What the title says. I have been on sertraline for almost two weeks and I am not feeling anything at all. Even side effects are not present, contrary to popular experience (or at least, that is what I perceive). Is this common at all? For clarification, I have depression, anxiety, and if it adds relevance, ADHD. This is also my first time taking medication, of any kind (at least regarding mental health). Thank you all in advance. Almost two weeks on sertraline, and yet, have not felt any difference. Not even side effects.",Depression +25208,"as my previous post said I am 15 and the rest is pretty much explained from there, I am not even sad right now but i honestly just do not want to be here so I am drinking in hopes it will help numb the pain of liver failure which is ironic, anyway I am writing this to say goodbye, I am not sure if I will even do it because honestly I am terrified but i do not want to be here so fuck it right? i have not said goodbye to any friends or family because if i do not do it I will feel like I am attention seeking so I have decided that I will just say goodbye to you lot because no matter what happens I will probably never meet any of you so it does not matter if i die or not because either way I will be waking up in hell tomorrow this is it",Suicidal +25209,"The struggle to go on gets harder everyday but yet I am still here waiting for something ""magical"" or whatever to make me happy or change my mindset , got a birthday coming up soon other than that I am losing the will to live.. collect money everyday until I die of old age and stress? no thanks brain keeps telling me ""why postpone it, you know you want to do it, why wait""",Suicidal +25210,"So recently my mum who lives in the same neighborhood as me told me she runs out onto the street panicking every time she hears the horns of an ambulance slowing down where we live. She walked the dog the other day in the forest close to our street and there was loads and loads of police cars arriving and they closed most of it down, when she asked why they said there was a suicide. She had to be taken to the hospital because she had a huge panick attack thinking it must have been me. I need to get better just for her. I need to. I need to get better",Depression +25211,"I think I finally found out where my depressions stems from after 3 years... it from the sin of envy. Everything in my life can stem from that one sin. Always wanting a new life, wanting knowledge but not wanting to obtain it for myself etc. Now that I have realized it.. it just gotten even worse. There are so many things I want to do and see but I am so depressed all the god damn time I cannot get off my ass to do it. Maybe my destiny is to be a failure full of wants. Even though I want to die so much.. I wish I was immortal so that even through all the pain and laziness I have, I will not ever run out of time to see things that I will eventually miss out on. I think I found the source...",Depression +25212,"i do not do anything with my life. I am not even past my teen years yet and i still feel like a trashy and useless person. i want to be like other people. i want to be smart, and charismatic, memorable, but no. I am just going to be another random dude who had big ambitions that went nowhere. I am still confused as to why people see me as a good, smart, person, when I am not at all. i just want to be important to the world. the only think keeping me here is that one special person who cares about me, otherwise, i would have been gone already. i feel like a failure.",Depression +25213,"If there is a god, tell them I am looking for them. Everyday is empty. I have a wife and two beautiful children. But my brain is broken. Or, at least, it evolved differently than most. Everyday is empty. And now, to go along with the crushing weight of despair, the pangs of anxiety pierce my chest like a dagger. And not just in the mornings anymore. All day. Everyday is empty. This feels like the endgame. Lonesome Crowded West",Suicidal +25214,"I was diagnosed when I was 16. Turning 31 in September and this last year has been the worst experience to go through. Lost the most beautiful amazing girlfriend, along with so-called ""friends"". I have been and going through mental torture even after being told to kill myself rather. I am thinking that after all these medications, treatments and rehab stins is all even worth it. Nothing really got better besides having to coast through life this past year all by myself with my moms help and motivation. I can deal with not having friends as honest truthful loyal people with hard to come by in todays modern age but losing my girl completely broke me. Sure i can blame it on the pandemic but I should gave known better then to hope it would pass by quick. It kept me from my girl who is also a healthcare worker which made it even more difficult. Losing her broke me down mentally and physically to the point I ended up in hospital last year after a overdose. The worst was to come after leaving the hospital. I tried to mend relationships which were long gone for the lack of being a better person. I will always aim to be the better person as I am not in this game called life to break my fellow human down. As my psychiatrist said, I would rather hurt myself then to hurt the next person who have done me wrong because my moral value does not allow me to hurt anyone physically or mentally. But having it done onto me, depression kicks in and panic arises which I cannot control. Reason for me not being able to speak freely to anybody as I have no close ""friend or companion"" that I can trust. My heart is broken and my head is in shambles. I miss my Ex-GF dearly every single day as it was the only relationship that ever felt real to me. It was not young puppy love, it was real and I have no way of getting it back. The thought of not ever seeing her again haunts me every single day which is why I just want to give up. I would be selfish in saying life is tough but I would also be honest in saying it. I do not want to wonder around life anymore with the hopes of things getting better. I am way past that already. Everything is ruined. I do not have a dad, he passed when I was 12. I want to let go so that my mom can enjoy her golden years by being happy again and not have to worry about her everyday depressed son. I will not get the opportunity to make Pikachu smile again, the opportunity vanished and 10 July is a day I regret in my life. So much for this thing called life when you cannot be happy. 30 years old now, I do not want this for the next 30. Call me selfish all you want. I would rather be in heaven then live on earth in a living mental hell. Contemplating If All is Worth It Battling Depression",Depression +25215,hello i am a 16 year old arab female.I have been depressed for a long time. I have been at my worst these past days. can someone teach me how to od on prescription drugs. I do not want to die i just want to get my parents attention. they are very strict and are not listening to me and took away my phone and are threatning to break it and give me a flip phone. I got caught in my bfs car when my parents do not know abt him. They have caught me texting him before but never linking with him. My parents are very strict arab muslims. They have taken my phone for months before already. I just cannot stand to have no communication with my bf of a year and a half. Have no communication with my friends or be allowed to leave the house. I have tried telling my parents before that I am depressed but they never listened. I just cannot do this anymore. I do not want anyone telling me not to od either. Just tell me how to do it. I am at my breaking point. how to od with prescription drugs without dying,Depression +25216,"I fucked up really bad. Less than a week ago I was with the girl i loved more than anything. I cheated on her online over snapchat by drunkenly asking a girl for nudes. I tried to hide it and in the process broke her trust and the trust of so many of my friends. My best friends do not want to talk to me anymore, and she hates me. All I do now is sit on the couch and watch tv. I really want to reach out to her. I want to text her and try to work through it. I want to hug her one last time. I ruined the best thing I ever had and I do not know how longer I can keep up. She was my everything. We were together for almost two years, and now all of it is gone. I am now alone and have nobody to talk to. I have never felt so alone.",Suicidal +25217,"Not much to say here. I am tired of returning to this mindset in spite of everything that happens. Maybe it was just a state of mind for a while, but it feels permanent, something I cannot ever free myself from because it is just me now.I have no way of knowing if antidepressants would help. I think I am just afraid of being told it is just my state of mind and being denied the option to try. I think it might be the worry that antidepressants will not even work. Or that the people I love would feel like they were not enough if I had to rely on antidepressants.Either way, probably just going to have a cookout in my car or something, early in the morning when nobody can see. There were always easier ways but there is always a hassle and this seems the most casual of all of them. Thinking about doing it tonight",Suicidal +25218,"Hello guys.I am 18,my parents split up when i was 1.For all of my life,I have been trying to balance my relationship with both of them,but today i realised that literally no one loves me.3 months ago my dad spat in my face,called me everything you can imagine and kicked me out of his place.Today,my mum told me that she does not love me and that she does not want me to live with her.I also have a speech problem with blocking (i block on certain words that have traumatised me,i have blocked on my name numerous times) because of the toxicity and stress that their conflict has caused me.I feel lonely.I do not know what to do. My whole life is a mistake.",Suicidal +25219,"I need to say that I am not suicidal nor have I ever been. I just need to get this of my chest.During random periods of my life I have been experincing extreme obsessive episodes ranging in severity from seriously hurting a loved one to turning on a light. During these episodes my brain completely blocks out most thoughts except for those telling me to do something. A couple months ago these thoughts took a new form during an episode in that they were centered around me taking my own life. Up until then I usually disregarded these episodes after the fact, thinking that I was probably exaggerating, but I remember thinking then that ""Holy shit, this is not normal, wtf! Do not forget this."". I am currently not in one of these periods where I get these thoughts, but I am scared everyday that they will return, and that I will not be able to ignore them. I really need to vent about this.",Suicidal +25220,"Am I really wrong to see this as a solution? NO more debt, no more living on the street, no more worrying about a car. All gone. My girlfriend left me and she owned the house, I have 2 maxed out credit cards and no money, car got repoed, all the friends I had are gone, have not talked to my parents in 4 months, everyone thinks I am crazy",Suicidal +25221,"I found something out today that feels like the light at the end of the tunnel that Id previously given up searching for. While I probably cannot end my struggles with the aid of therapy and medication (trust me, my family and I have tried continuously to no avail), today I read that a man in Quebec, who had a neurological disorder similar to Alzheimers (although he had not allowed it to progress to a stage wherein he became somewhat of a mental vegetable, he had lost many physical capabilities and securities and wore diapers at the end of his life) qualified for medically assisted death under new legislation, when previously ones death had to be within the foreseeable future.At the end of the article it mentioned that while persons suffering from mental illness do not currently qualify under this legislation, they will as of 2023.That being saidits been a rocky road since 1999, but now it looks like I can finally be at peace with myself because there is now hope for people like myself, who found no relief in medication and therapy, for whom there previously was no hope. You do not have to struggle with the constant (or not so constant) thoughts of suicide and trips to the hospital that sometimes involve admission to the mental health wards. I feel like its overWhile I am referring to the struggle, I worry that the topic of this post might be a little strange and hard to understand, even for others who are depressed",Depression +25222,I sent her a message yesterday and it is more than 24 hours she did not even bother to read my message I had decided it if she will not reply me in 24 hours I will take my life. My message is on delivered for more than 24 hours,Depression +25223,"Yes, I am posting this from my NSFW Burner account.No, I do not want my posts here tied to my main account.I have recently come to terms with the fact that I need help. As to what kind and to what extent, I do not know yet. I do have a question about looking for help though. Since the good old American Healthcare system is so cost-effective, I would like to try be as efficient as possible in getting to the point where I can actually start to get the help I need. I have had people recommend seeing a therapist first, and working from that point forward. I have also had people recommend I see a family doctor first and be formally diagnosed with whatever it may be that is going on and then continuing from there. Looking at this from the standpoint of cost effective treatment, have you had any experience in ""getting the run around"" from one party while the other seemed to be much more efficient? I know I need to get the ball rolling, but I would prefer to do so without breaking my bank. Finally admitting I need help",Depression +25224,"Long storry short i had a rough childhood and developed depression pretty early on. I was bullied to to multiple reasons, main one Being slightly facialy disfigured. When my father got sick with cancer i was 21 and started drinkin heavily. I continued that for 3 years. Booze killed my pain, but i was also higly emotional about stuff. Most of the folks described me as a good guy. I would literally give you clothes of my back. I even learned to fond Joy in my depression and saddnes. It was all i knew. Till i was put on an ""mild"" ssri. I cannot remember the name because i just did not care at that point in life. Just wanted to stop the booze and pain. Then i noticed i became less emotional and non emphatic. I contributed that to becoming strong because off all the shit i been trough. When my father died i menaged to cry but i mostly felt empty. I was working out and that was my only outlet, only thing i could get any good feeling from. So i decided to quit the meds cold turkey. Back than i did not know that antidepressants can because withdrawls. After about a Month of emotional rollercoaster , suicidal thougts and anxiety i finally melted down in front od my moms and decided i would spend a few weeks at a psyhc ward. Big mistake... They put me on Effexor or Velafaxine and Clonazepam. I am on it for the last two years and i noticed i became a totally diffrent person. I do not longer care about much to the Point of Being dangerously reckless. I gained a shit ton of weight and lost my personality. I also do not have any libido and desire for any kind of romance or even friendly contact. I forgot what Being horny or having and erection means, But what i have is dangerous and violent thoughts. Like i would like to fight with anyone, absolutely fearless. Before all the meds i had social anxiety, was overthinking about how People percive me, was anxious in mans situations and was generaly weak.now i just do not care. I only have some feelings for my mom, aunt and my dog. If i saw someone got hit by a car or some other horrible acident i think it would not even trigger a emotional response in me... Its pretty scarry. I tried to go off them but the withdrawls are too much. I cannot go on much longer Like this. Is anybod out there that understads this mess I am in or have i just became a sociopath. Sorry for the long post i just need to vent out. I am a she will of what i used to be. A vent about depression and meds. Anyone out there feeling Like me. Sorry for the long post",Depression +25225,"I cannot talk to the therapist I have or Ill certainly be taken somewhere or my mom will be told at the very least, not that I would or could anyway, I just cannot talk, why is that, why, why is it that talking is so fucking hard, I do not want to not out of pride but I cannot because if I do the what will happen, what would my parents say, look at my disappointment doing it again, they do not say that but I know that is what they think How am I expected to talk to people about how I feel",Suicidal +25226,"My partner is going to leave me. I get abused and push everyone away. Am I just supposed to accept that and continue being in these relationships? I know nothing else. What is a ""normal"" relationship? I do not even know now, I am trusting these women and their families to tell me. I do not want her to call me names, and she does. It hurts me. I do not know how to live like a normal person, I was just a kid that wanted love and everyone fucked with me. Now I do not know what the fuck I am doing. I am so lost in this pit. I am never going to escape this. Therapy, EMDR, I am so scared to live. I am so scared to trust people. I am so damn tired. I feel so hurt for all the people out there that suffered abuse, especially as kids. Fuck all the people that hurt us. I just do not want to be here anymore. Nothing makes sense.",Suicidal +25227,"24F and I have been stuck in this situation for over a decade. All I want is to be happy, but my mind does not allow me to feel anything but sadness and hopelessness. I have been to countless therapists and psychiatrists, but nothing they have done has helped. I am so tired of feeling like this. I am in constant pain from a chronic illness, and I pushed everyone I love away. So I am going to go ahead and end it. I have tried so many times in the past, but I have secured enough pills to make sure I do it correctly this time. I could jump in front of a train or hang myself, but that is too inconvenient and shocking to others. This way, Ill just be in my bed until somebody finds me. If you are reading this, thank you for listening. I tried",Suicidal +25228,"Lately everything in my life has been falling apart and I really have nowhere else to vent. I got broken up with by my fiance months ago, it was a toxic relationship and I have been mentally ill since high school and during that relationship I fucked my brain up even more with drugs just to get through it. I have random tics I guess now or jerky movements and my most recent medication has only made them worse, and now I am going through withdrawals from running out of that medication. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had and I am not used to having dreams at all. I wake up wishing I had some sort of suicide plan ready and actively look around for something to get ready. I have not been able to get a job to distract myself so I was doing doordash until my car broke down with $7k repairs while I still owe thousands on it. Recently lost my wallet and everything in it. Just feels like life is on nothing but a huge downhill. I try to work out but my brain is always screaming at me that its pointless and to kill myself, I break down crying. I cannot accept myself or look at myself in the mirror being a 63 man who starves himself because hes unsure if hes truly wanting to be trans or something. I really have like 2 friends maybe and its just been getting worse. I am trying to hold on so my family does not end up finding me somewhere and so I do not hurt them. I know a lot of people have it worse but I just feel so broken and like everything has fallen apart in life. I cannot get my mental health back, and all I think about is ODing or suicide or self harming. If there is any tips or inspiration at all or anything it would be greatly appreciated because I have no clue what to do with myself. If I had money I am sure Id be gone already Not sure what to feel",Suicidal +25229,"Severed a relationship with a girl who was really important to me. Have cut all of my friends out of my life long before this. Dealing with some abuse issues from when I was a child that has pretty much convinced my family I am a piece of shit because I cannot figure out how to talk to them about it and they just think I am being awful by cutting off the abuser. cannot sort myself out financially at 31. Have my plan set, considering writing a note tonight and doing it on Friday. Only thing that has kept me here is my two kids who I have 50/50. But truthfully I think my life insurance will be better for them than me as a father. I am angry all of the time since the split with S/O, drinking way more than I should as a recovering addict. Just does not seem to be a way out of this. cannot stop planning my suicide",Suicidal +25230,First it was my mum...10 years agoThen its my pop still alive but barely fightingNow its my best friend and we do not know how bad it isI do not want to fight anymorw I am not okay,Depression +25231,I am really sad right now but everyone around me is busy or happy and i do not want to bother or ruin their moods. i feel so sad and left out and i have no where to go. i want to just disappear so i do not have to feel like this or bother anyone. sad but no one to go to,Depression +25232,"I have been some form of depressed with anxiety for 25 years. Some times are better than others but its always been there. I have managed all this time by distracting myself. Finding something to look forward to. Obviously last year was a struggle. 2021 brought very little optimism with it. The Jan 6th insurrection, in my mind, is only a minor precursor of what is to come. Something that I have seen coming for what feels like my entire life- climate change, political and social instability. Against my better judgement, I have a child now, who is the most important person in my life. But I cannot shield her from this. she is too young to be vaccinated against COVID but were expected to carry on as if everything is fine now. I love my husband dearly but he needs my attention all the time. Hes manipulative but I do not think he realizes it. I work from home but my boss is going to make me return to the office at the end of Summer and I do not want to. My mom is dying from cancer. My closest work friends wife is dying from cancer. My sister died of cancer seven years ago. My dog is getting to the end of his life. I have no friends and terrible insurance. I am struggling to find the reason I keep pushing on. I find no enjoyment in anything. Work is beyond stressful and my job is pointless. The stress and anxiety it causes is affecting everything in my life and my health. My husband does not make enough money to support us and I cannot take a pay cut. I just feel like the check he would get from my life insurance, after I end things will solve all of these problems. Struggling to find the reason to not pursue this path. 25 year battle is rearing its ugly head",Depression +25233,Just tired and want everything to end I guess I have no reason to be sad but still want to kill myself,Suicidal +25234,"I have been going through a lot of depression lately. I just graduated, cannot find a job, ended up hating my degree so decided to pursue another degree. the college is not letting me be a full time student this fall so I am trying to get a job but I feel worthless, I am getting rejections, I waste all my day. I have no energy to do anything. My body hurts, I have no energy to get out of the house or even get out of bed. I only have like one friend who wants to see me but I have no energy to face anyone and I keep on telling him that I am busy and have something to do. I live with my grandparents and they do not know what I am going through. They expect me to be happy but I cannot. I feel like my life is useless and I do not deserve to live. Just like my sister committed suicide I feel like I should too, because I am useless. Hate my degree, do not want to be dependent but at the same time I want to pursue a second degree and work as well. I am in such a tough spot right now. I really just do not want to live. What was the point? I have struggled all my life. First had a traumatic childhood, my mom cheated on my dad, then my dad passed away, my mom abandoned us and then my sister committed suicide. I struggled my way through college, dealing with grief and bipolar which lead me to be absolutely being lost in college my whole 4 years. Figuring out what I want to do and then graduated in a degree I hate. There is just no point of doing anything. I keep pushing everyone away and complain about being lonely",Depression +25235,"I recently started doing therapy, and honestly I do not feel a connection with my therapist. I do not open up, I feel awkward around her, I kind of lie to her about what I am truly thinking and I hate doing this when I am supposed to be getting help from her. I mean I pay her for this shit.. I have never done therapy before so I have no prior experience and do not know if its just a me thing or if I need to try another therapist. I have decided to give it time. I think I am depressed, I do not know if for a fact I am, but since I was in middle school I remember myself feeling miserable and sad constantly. I want to stop this inner bully from ruining my life. Still, I keep pretending to be optimistic in my sessions with my therapist and she keeps telling me she does not think I am depressed. I always agree with her and reassure her that I also do not think so. Wtf? I do not know what to do.. The obvious answer is I need to open up to her, but how? I feel judged even with the person I am supposed to let in. hey you all",Depression +25236,"I have been eating healthier, going to the gym, drinking less, being more active, and what do I get for it? I gained 3 pounds. My mother basically told me everything I have been doing I am doing wrong. I give up. I am just going to accept I am who I am and wallow in self pity til I die. Depression and my mental health is destroying me. I give up",Depression +25237,I have held on for a long time now and i was semi ok with life but now its just getting so much worse and i can see myself going back to my old self but worse this time i do not think ill be holding on for much longer do not want to do another school year that will just make want to kill myself even more and everyone around me is dropping me like nothing or acting like they do not like me and ignoring me so I am done I am done,Suicidal +25238,"After 24 years of suffering, the end has come. I have had my struggles with my toxic family and my crippling mental illness. I live with my bitch of a mother at the age of 24 and she is ruined my mental health and she will continue to do so if I do not do anything about it. I have only worked shitty minimum wage jobs and I got to the point where my last job got me to a conclusion: if I do not find a better job, I am going to kill myself because my life is not going anywhere. But how do I find a job if I have a totally worthless university degree? \&nbsp;And I got this idea: why do not I start an online course? I knew IT jobs pay well and I have liked computers ever since I was a kid so I started this Front-End course that costed me a fortune (basically I am paying for the diploma, because the info can easily be found online and from tutorials). Long story short, I am doing really badly. it is been one month and I still cannot write a single line of code. Ok, I can write it in a literal way but I cannot make it look like anything because I do not understand CSS at all. I have had 3 people try to explain to me CSS but I just do not understand it. Everyone says ""anyone can code"" but obviously I am not among everyone. I have always been stupid. Even as a small kid, I always did worse in school and I was always the last one to understand everything. Eventually, my grades started dropping heavily in high school and then when I went to college I nearly did not graduate. My ability to learn new things has declined every year, to the point where I have become a fucking vegetable. I am stupid. I cannot survive. I have no skills for survival. \&nbsp;And this is the end. One month ago I made a post explaining how this programming course was my last attempt at trying to make my life better. I failed. Time to finally give up, I am only prolonging my suffering by staying alive. \&nbsp;Thanks to everyone who has supported me. I have to go now. See you on the other side. One month ago I gave myself an ultimatum: fail and it is over. Today it is over",Suicidal +25239,"My boyfriend and I have been dating for 13 months now and hes had depression for pretty much our entire relationship. He also has ADHD that is medicated but hes not on his medication right now. He lives in a extremely toxic and abusive household and his depression and anger (not at me but in general) has got progressively worse. I have tried to have conversations with him about seeking therapy but his parents are having some financial hardships right now and cannot afford a therapist. They also will not let him get a job. I have asked him to get medication but he does not want to be medicated for depression because he does not want the side effects. I have tried to get him to move in with me but he is concerned for his little brother (10) and what his parents will do to him. I love him so much and I want to find a way to help. I struggle a lot with Depression, anxiety and a eating disorder but I am currently in Therapy for everything. He has not ever self harmed but his depression has got really bad and I am worried he will. How can I help my boyfriend with depression?",Depression +25240,it is the middle of the night - 0:00 and I cannot sleep because I feel awful. The last few years of my life have been a disaster - one bad thing happening after the other. I feel hated by people in society and I feel like my life does not matter at all. I wish humans had more value in their own eyes and I wish we helped each other and listened to each other more. The world would be such a better place if we did that.I am tired of having to stand up for myself and I am tired of fighting this pointless battle. Nobody should have to do that. I am tired of crying every time something bad happens and I am tired of just being here. HUMAN BEINGS HAVE VALUE and I do too. I am NOT LESS THAN ANYBODY OR ANYTHING and I deserve better. And so do all of you. I am so depressed - it is insane,Depression +25241,I want to commit suicide really badly. I just do not have the guts. I imagine it very often thoughEverything hurts me. I feel very lonely. I might have undiagnosed depression.Maybe one day I will kill myself. Then I will not have to live anymore. I have been feeling really suicidal,Depression +25242,"My friend relies on my very heavily for emotional support and it can be extremely draining. I do not have the heart to tell her this because I know what its like to feel like a burden to someone. I am not as open with her about my feelings and how I am also struggling a lot, but maybe I should try and be more vocal about my feelings? Idk its just so hard when someone you care about really needs your help and to be listened to. But its painful having to be the rock when your own life is falling apart and now feeling like I am somewhat responsible for her safety too. I am self harming while trying to comfort her over text and I feel like its just not a healthy way to be. I am just looking for some words of support or advice if you have any. If not, thank you for reading <3 I am struggling to support my friend",Depression +25243,I will be responsible for providing everything that is needed. Anyone interested in keeping my dog after I die?,Suicidal +25244,I sent her message yesterday and it is more than 24 hours she did not even bother to read my message I had decided it if she will not reply me in 24 hours I will take my life. My message is on delivered for more than 24 hours,Suicidal +25245,"I spend most of my time maladaptive daydreaming to the point where my evenings and nights are completely wasted and it takes me a while to get to sleep, I used to look forward to going to bed after a stressful day just so I can escape. I have done some online tests and apparently I am not that extreme. Tough thing is it is mostly about a guy I have not spoken to in a year, its hard to get over him when he takes up so much of my mental space. Maladaptive daydreaming",Depression +25246,"Its not a joke. She said quit joking. Its no joke. I would blow my brains out but you know guns be hard to access, so I do not really know how else to take myself out. People do not like the truth about being depressed. I told my mom if I had a gun Id be dead.",Depression +25247,Its too hard. I feel like my whole life is done. I want my pain to end. I have a bunch of pills and tonight I am just going to take them and end things. I do not want to die. I just want the pain to stop.Goodbye all. Thank you to people who tried to help me. But I am too far gone. I am going to kill myself tonight. Goodbye,Suicidal +25248,"I still want to kill myself and I still think I would do so at the wrong moment, but arguably the biggest point of conflict is the complicated relationship between my parents and my mental state.Parental love is a funny kind of relationship. I think everybody can empathize with the fact that most parents, objectively, spend more time raising children than anything else. Despite everything, they want us to succeed. They love us more than life. And still they can hurt us worse than this big bad world ever could. They seem to operate under this mantra that ""If you can take this, then you can be in the unforgiving world"" but it is so much different than that. The world cannot make me feel worthless, or like a burden, or like a waste of time. But you, my parent, have the only emotional tether that makes those feelings possible. Nothing I have experienced in every day society has ever made me feel emotionally weak. It is always those close enough to judge me and my lifetime's worth of choices that can bring that out in me.I am 24 years old and I just moved back in with my parents. that is already the worst feeling ever. I first moved away for college when I was 18, and despite some hardships was able to make my way up until about 2 months ago when my mom decided it was financially responsible for me to come back home. So that fast, my independence is gone and I am once again, no more than my parents' child. A 24 year old man. I do not know if you have ever heard about Jennifer Pan, but my situation is very much like hers was. Only I do not want to kill my parents. I want to kill myself.I learned in my psychology class that statistically, in men, suicidal tendencies reach their peak midway through the healing process, because it is where both suicidal thoughts and confidence are at their highest. Apparently I have experienced a lot of growth this past few months and according to my mom, it is undeniable how much better I am at handling adult responsibilities than I was when I moved in. I have recieved all kinds of verbal reassurance from her lately, because she knows how easily I get down on myself. She does not yet know how intensely I want to not exist, but she does know I have terrible self confidence. And on top of that, she knows that I am manic in a medical sense. So it is unbearably easy for me to transition from happiness to thoughts of death in a matter of minutes. Seconds, even. She does what she can to be a part of my healing but suicide is the one taboo that might actually help.But we cannot talk about it. The mere idea of losing me breaks her heart into pieces. She does not even like to think about me dying by accident, let alone from something like suicide.What she does not understand is that the only way we can talk these thoughts out of me is if she is brave enough to acknowledge that it is not about her. it is so convenient for her to have such a powerful shield because when she really wants to chew me out, she mentions my flaws, my mistakes, my mindset, everything wrong with me past and present. And all I want to do in those moments is to end my life, but she does not have to experience that part because she knows that I love her enough to never go there.More than anyone else, she can make me want to kill myself, but because we will never discuss it, she can suspend her disbelief enough to treat me like someone who is not at risk. The one thing I need to talk about, and the person who talks about everything else with me is selectively deaf about it. I love her more than breath but it just is not fair. Am I just selfish?",Suicidal +25249,"I dreamt 2 days ago that me and my crush were a couple and I felt happier than ever. Only to wake up to realise that I actually feel like shit, that I hate my life and just wish that I was fucking dead. It just feels like I want to hurt myself or my brain wants to hurt me by giving me dreams where I feel like everything is fine, meanwhile in reality I am not. Why cannot just my life be like my dreams but instead I am depressed and feel empty and all I want to do is cry and be in bed all day. I fucking hate dreams where everythings fine",Depression +25250,"Hello,I am a 27 year old male, who recently had to end a 3 year relationship because things were not getting better. I put so much into it and thought we would marry. I noticed she would always watch asian stuff , really like asian boy bands, really liked asian boys and was not afraid to show it. I thought maybe its a fan girl thing but no. I saw her watching videos of girls that had asian boyfriends a lot and it was all asian boyfriend porn to put it into something understandable. She has out bursts a lot. She says things happened that really did not and it really scares me. I love her so much, but we can go on like this. I am not perfect either, I am a drug user, benzos are my weakness because I act terrible on them, I cut myself when I take them in large doses. its hard for me to control my dose because I use liquid, not pills, atm. I am going to court for a DUI theft and a VOP with 6 and a half years back up.... I am scared. I paid a lawyer 6000 for all the cases. I can play the piano real well people always tell me I am smart. I do not think I am very smart but people say it. I am sitting here, there is blood everywhere now.I cried and cut myself when I got home from the store and was a huge dick to my mom. we have a strange relationship. she has put me through a lot of hell by always trying to get me busted by the cops for drugs. I have been to jail for 7 months. I do not hate myself, I just feel so much pain because it seems nothing ever goes right for me. I love the girl so much and its hard to let go but I know she does not love me like she used to. we have sex less, the kisses are different. I do not know what to do. I am a good pianist, its the only thing I have a chance at. WHY DO I CUT MYSELF WHEN I TAKE BENZOS??????? I am so depressed, I cut myself really badly, this is not the first time",Depression +25251,"I am not really sure where else to post this.when the whole covid break started, i was halfway through my first year of high school. i was just starting to figure everything out, getting ready to get my permit, trying to think about what i want to do in the future, but its like the break stopped me.a year+ later and i do not have my permit. i do not have a job. i do not do much school. i do not know how to. i have not been in the mindset i was back then for so long and it feels so hard to just get back into everything and continue on as normal.i feel pathetic. i do not know how to get myself into life. i consider killing myself a lot because i cannot think of any other solution does anybody else feel the same? i do not know how to live",Suicidal +25252,"You cannot stop me. I am a piece of shit and everyone hates me, including myself, and for a good reason. I am killing myself tonight.",Suicidal +25253,I feel like such a burden on everyone in my life even when I talk to my friends they always seem like they do not want to be there and would rather be doing something else I feel like such a burden,Depression +25254,"I posted on here up last night, my goodbyes as it were, then I sat here on my bed and cried and cried and cried while I tied a noose, then I sat there holding the noose and just staring at it, I tried to get up to use it but it just felt like my body was frozen, think it was in shock or something, and now it is morning time and my flatmate just knocked on my door to ask me if I wanted something cooked up for breakfast and I am still here, but I do not want to be here, I want to use this rope but every time I try to my body just freezes and will not do what I am telling it to. I know it is probably some animal instinct deep within trying to prevent me from harming myself but I want it to stop, I want to have my peace, I am so useless and weak and pathetic that I cannot even off myself.... I have been sitting here all night staring at the rope",Suicidal +25255,what is it like to attempt a genuine suicide and somehow truly accidentally survive? what is it like to attempt a genuine suicide and somehow truly accidentally survive?,Suicidal +25256,I do not want to die anymore but I cannot keep living like this. I just want the pain to go away. I cannot keep going,Depression +25257,i seriously need some encouragement to kill myself tonight...I cannot take it .....this life is horrible I hate being alive.... I hate this fucking life there is no hope,Suicidal +25258,"I have had a hard life and for years I have tried to use my studying or moving towards a career as a way to keep my mind away from the fact life is miserable.I felt mental health would be worthwhile, that would make me happy helping others. But instead after three years I am stressed, unhappy and ready to end it.you are expected to care, in a system that does not care about it is staff. you are supposed to support patients, while having no support yourself. This week I ran into an issue on an understaffed and unsafe unit... Now my lecturer in my final few weeks wants to end it all. While other students have had 30 minute assessments and signed off. I am now having three full days of constant assessing.The fact my career could be other before it is began has left me wondering... What else do I have in life? And the truth is nothing... Life's empty and now all I am is stressed.I am expected to stop people killing themselves while myself being in agreement that life really is not worth continuing. I am a student mental health nurse and I want to end it",Suicidal +25259,"I do not know what to do anymore. It feels like I am at the end of a long tunnel with just a small glimpse of light peeking at the end. I chase that light, hoping that eventually, I will regain myself. Running deeper and deeper into the dark tunnel as that light only grows smaller. The more I run, the further I get from what I once was, slowly shying away into the dark. The darkness can sometimes be comforting though, being able to escape reality. Sadly, the longer you stay hidden in the shadows, the more pieces you lose within yourself. They person you once thought you were becomes a distant memory and soon becomes unrecognizable. You eventually find yourself estranged within your own mind, fighting day in and day out to hold onto what little remains. Maybe, it is just me. Maybe, I am just truly broken, stuck fighting a war within myself that seems impossible to win. I feel lost...",Depression +25260,"One of those depression symptoms that I have noticed most people do not really seem talk about. I genuinely hate the occasions when (albeit very rare, considering how isolated I am) strangers etc trying to make the dreaded small talk will ask me ""so what did you do today?"" I literally cannot remember, even if I could remember it would not matter anyway, and it seems like such a simple and innocuous question but it sends me on a spiral and it makes me hate myself more lol I cannot remember anything that I have done today",Depression +25261,"Its almost laughable how much I just despise my life and being alive, like its so funny to me how pathetic it is. I seriously hate it I have 0 friends and am all alone. Its so easy for everyone to just tell you oh its gets better you will be fine. I do not even have people around me who tell me that, I genuinely have 0 friends, like what the actual fuck is wrong with me. Everyday feels the exact same and I hate it, just endless hours of nothing like god damn I have fallen so low that I am posting my feelings on Reddit. Like holy shit I am such a loser dude, its so funny how pathetic. God damnit, I cannot even talk to people normally now in public I am not going to make any new friends haha, I hate my life so much. Lol literally fuck this shit",Depression +25262,"Everyone keeps telling me I am a survivor, to hang in there coz I have already been thru sooo much in life and I am still here so that means I can survive whatever's happening atm.........and yea you are right, I am a fucking survivor, all I have ever done my whole life is survive, and I am tired of it, I want to LIVE not survive, but that sad reality is that I will never get to live happily, I will ALWAYS have to survive, my mental health issues insure that......and like I say I do not want to survive I want to live, but that is not possible for me so why bother keeping on going..... do not want to ""survive""",Suicidal +25263,I feel so empty. I do not look forward to my birthday which is tomotrow. I do not look forward to the future. I do not even know why I feel like this. All I can do right now is take out my mental pain on myself I was a month clean :/,Suicidal +25264,"Oddly enough, it gave me strength to live.I am not out of the woods yet but you gave me a compass.I am kind of spiritual so if you would feel better having a candle lit for your passing, let me know and I can do that. I will write a note for your spirit too. Earth is seriously overrated and your body is your own. Nothing more infuriating than being at rock bottom having ppl tell you to hold out. I will not tell you how to do the deed. Only do rituals for your spirit so you can hopefully have rest.Love you all Thank you for giving me permission to die.",Suicidal +25265,"I am a 25 yo guy and I have never had any romantic affiliation with anyone and I think it is a big part of my depression. I have tried meds on/off I do not think they have really helped maybe they fucked me up more idk. I have no job, nor do I have any drive to find one. I am living with my parents, who hope I will crack the competitive exams one day and get the dream job. I do not feel like studying for anything anymore. I feel like I am losing myself with each passing day becoming a husk of what I was before, not that it was anything special. All the stress and emptiness is taking a toll on my health as well I think. I was told by my peers that I was a bright guy but lazy... Found out I have ADHD. I do not have the strength to write what happened to me and where I went wrong. it is just my life's a mess. I cannot sleep and wanted to get this off my chest. I do not have the courage to say this to anyone I know irl. At least I am living with my parents for now but I feel I am about to suffer a horrible fate. I feel like my life is over and I am completely alone. Even forming sentences is hard nowadays fuck me. I am very lonely",Depression +25266,"why even bother going on anymore, it is fucking pointless. i just want to feel loved, but that is an impossibility, nobody wants to love me... i went through highschool thinking i would have a great life after i graduate, not a billionaires life, or a millionaires life. but one where i can pay my own bills and live in my own place without worry for money or anything like that, and maybe have a nice wife or girlfriend to go with it... now look at me, I am 26, living with my parents, working a fucking dead end job just like my previous dead end jobs. and i have a hatred for all human beings at this point, because human beings are shallow evil little things. you reach out for help, or reach out to someone to help them and it is all fucking pointless. i was going to school to learn a sort of trade, but as time went on i drifted further and further from it. it was piloting. a year before the pandemic i was dangling on the edge of quitting it. upon the advent of the pandemic i had dropped everything. my love for piloting and flying is gone, my love for my life long hobby of video games is practically gone, my love for people, all gone. i was doing ok in the pilot program i was in, up until i had to study for my exam before my final checkride. 50h of training and about $50,000 of my own hard earned money, fucking wasted. come the pandemic, i had a new senior flight instructor take over my school because the old one moved away. new guy is nice, but he is really green as an instructor and can say some really demotivational things. the most demotivational things was telling me ""you are going to have to start over training with me."" that is ultimately why i gave up piloting, it is not worth it, especially since most pilots do not get the dream job of 100k a year flying for delta/united/southwest/ect. my love life is an empty void and always has been. in school i was bullied in a rural town for being a gamer and not an athlete, i joined band and most of my peers in band also hated me, i reciprocated in kind because, what else is a kid going to do when he sees enemies everywhere he turns? when i moved from that shitty town my in highschool years, i hoped for a change for the better, but i still had a lot of my old defensive tactics deeply ingrained in me. the first time i had a girl genuinely show interest in me, i said no, i panicked, because there was just no way anyone could find me attractive, they have to be fucking with me, like every time before.now I am a fucking adult and i cannot talk with women, i cannot enjoy a conversation with them, without them feeling deeply disturbed by me. i do not even make uncomfortable comments about their appearance or any sort of crass suggestion or act. they just do not like me. being a guy and not having any sort of charisma is demolishing me. everytime i ask for help, online or real life it is a fucking waste. everyone treats me like some fucking incel. I am NOT a fucking incel, I am a depressed motherfucker that really REALLY #REALLY# WANTS TO FUCKING BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT BECAUSE PEOPLE do not SEE A SAD DEPRESSED MAN READY FUCKING COMIT SUICIDE they see an incel that deserves nothing but ridicule and death. nobody wants to be helpful, they just want to kill you, they want to murder you, your soul, you entire being, with words.i do have friends, but all of them are male, i have 1 single female friend, but i think she just keeps me as a friend because she has pity me and would likely drop me if she felt she had the chance to, like any other female ""friend"" I have had before. everytime i fancy a girl or just want to be friends with them, without exception, they do not want anything to do with me. at first they are nice, but then very quickly just coldy drop me. i do not send messages or calls like a fucking lunatic, i ask about as often as anyone would ask to hangout or talk or whatever, like a couple or a few times a week. i just do not understand wtf is wrong with me. because apparently I am not worth anyone's fucking time.my worst experience was with this one girl who always wanted to work with me at work, i never asked her to, she just wanted to. while working she would complain to me that she was going to die alone and never have a boyfriend and blah blah blah, mind you, she is drop dead gorgeous and has had plenty of boyfriends before, all of which SHE broke it off with them after about a year. i got sick of hearing her complain about this all the time around me and asked if she would like to go out with me, immediate 180 in mood and attitude around me, WTF? we hungout and played mario kart one time, and magically she is unavailable to hangout after that, always busy.it was not long til i heard from a mutual friend at work that she had been talking shit to our coworkers about me behind my back, i have done nothing to deserve this, never any sort of negative interaction from me to her, and she is spreading rumors and bullshit about me. i have since stopped talking to her, especially after she started dating one of my friends (whom i warned she would dump him after a year, WHICH SHE DID, he does not talk to me anymore, which I am also fine with since anytime i see him in person he wants to hangout, but when i contact him on his days off, he ""does not feel like hanging out"" ok fuck you too dude) with tears running down my face, what am i supposed to do? i have never had a relationship, and as time goes on it seems like a truly never will have a relationship. I will NEVER know what it is like to have a partner, i will NEVER know what its like to have someone to hold, I will never know the struggles or the ups and downs of a relationship and i most certainly will NEVER know what sex with someone is like, someone who wants you.people say ""do not worry, it will come to you in time, just do not think about it and it will just happen. i did that for 12 fucking years, nothing, not a goddamned thing happened, because as a guy YOU have to make the move, and as I have said, i have NO charm apparently. out of every time i have tried to hit on people in a subtle manner, or straightforward, it does not matter, they treat me with disgust. i have been told ""work on yourself, be confident and have a high self esteem"" i had that for a while, i even faked it for a while, same fucking results. it is all bullshit. ""we should be loving and accepting of everyone, nobody should live life unloved, everyone finds their person."" this is all idealistic BULLSHIT for an IMAGINARY IDEAL WORLD THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT EXIST. people die alone and broken, and that is largely because the people around them want to put you down and not lift you up. people take PRIDE in being abhorrently shitty to other people, people they do not know.&#x200B;so, again, why the fuck should not i kill myself? i will NEVER live the fulfilling life i would like, so why not just end my suffering now? because of the fantasy that it MAYBE will get better. fuck that, i do not work with probablies or maybes anymore, I have done that for too long, I am not going to live another 50 fucking years in a ""maybe it will happen some day"" mind set, that shit is poison.&#x200B;noones going to read this and especially nobody wilol have anything constructive to say to me, because honestly, I have heard it all. if you are, or ever were a human being on this planet, whatever your gender, sex, race, religion. it does not matter. if you are or were a human being, sincerely, fuck you too oblivion, and have the worst existence imaginable, fuck you and your accomplishments, because honestly, i know you would tell me the same thing you disgusting fucking psychopaths. i hate myself, i hate my situation and i hate the world",Suicidal +25267,"I'mma be real. it is not worth living like this, where every moment is shaded in fear and my brain going against me. it is not even depression, it is fighting against the pangs of fear for no good reason. it is the fact that I cannot do much anything because my brain does not let me. it is everything that comes with mental illnesses and I am sick and tired of it. The worst part is knowing they are inescapable because they never go away, and treatment only works if you have any at all.No. I am tired. I am determined. I intend to do this sooner rather than later to escape the all-encompassing anxiety and paranoia. No more lying uselessly, I intend to do this. it is scarily calm you know. To just... decide that you will die. Actually planning on it, not just waffling.Here is my plan: I am going to obtain aspirin. Enough to numb the pain, because it affects the entire body. Then I will slash my arm open and bleed out. It will not hurt. I might even be giddy from the blood loss. I am ready and this is the plan I have mulled over....I do not want to do this. But I hate living even more. Tired of living with mental illness",Suicidal +25268,"Finally saw a prescribing psych today.I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar.I hope this goes well. Only time will tell right?Wish me luck!Stay as strong as you can. I am with you. Starting Meds",Depression +25269,"Well.. that is it. going with pills. Paper note's ready. wish me luck. My life was full of misery, numbness and failure. really sucked to live this precious life the way i lived. I had no one close. did not fit in...could not. I was ""Strong"". had an ""Amazing"" gene. ""Straight A"" student. Maybe that is why she turned me down.. got addicted to bad stuff. Constant loneliness. i had plenty dreams. making tons money, proving everyone wrong..who am i kidding. Yeah, my family might get hurt by this decision. Sorry. but i guess i simply do not care... about anything at all.. I think god created me to be a loser clown in this world just so he could have a good laugh. To my poor, pathetic life, it is been a good journey. when it started. I wish i was better.cannot take this anymore. Bye. Bits of my last words.",Suicidal +25270,"Its been years of depression. My upbringing was beyond fucked at some points. My last 3 bedrooms have looked like a fucking dump. One of which I have to have clean in 3 days, so I am far beyond overwhelmed right now. My mom went to prison and I have not seen her in well over a year because of covid. My life is a mess, I am in my early 20s but I have the work ethic and mentality of an 18 year old. I smoke weed, I binge drink, I do pills. I am not suicidal, but I would not mind dying that is for sure. Its amazing how much life can throw at you at once. I do not understand anymore.",Depression +25271,Feels like I have had goals like weight loss for a couple years now. But also day to day stuff like brushing teeth seems like such tall tasks! Anyone have any tips for getting stuff done!?!?! It would be greatly appreciated Sounds simple but anyone have any tips for getting stuff done?,Depression +25272,"after some stuff happened today, after cutting myself i decided what if i made a noose and tried to hang my self just to know what it feels like? ( I have had thoughts about killing myself ever since i was 12, and about a month ago i made a really shitty suicide note but decided to not use it or remake it in the future).I made the noose and put in on my door handle, first one i made i did not feel anything so i remade it and i could feel it choking me, in the end i chickened out and i will probably try to find another place to carry on with my plans in the future, but i was wondering would what i did be considered a suicide attempt? would this be considered a suicide attempt?",Suicidal +25273,"Every time I will feel depressed I will take 1-2 pills of paracetamol and hide in some place that no one will seeWhen I will gather enough them... bye. No one will even know what happenedThat's what my stupid brain come up withI hope I will not break it like I break everything in my lifeI doubt there is a reason to be alive, world is too shit to exist. Actually I am so scared of doing this but I do not have any other ideas how to end this shit So I think I have a plan",Suicidal +25274,I do not mean anything to anybody and I have no future everyday is hell and I cannot handle it anymore I feel like there is only one escape and everyday I get closer and closer to doing it and one of these days it is going to happen. I feel like death the only way out,Depression +25275,"For 15 years I have battled with PTSD and major depressive disorder. Over the last three years, nothing has gone right. Everything I have done has been met with opposition of some kind, as if a cosmic creditor has finally come around to collect my karmic debt.Some of it is due to my laziness and poor decision making, but an inordinate amount of negativity and overall decline seems to be coming from somewhere outside my control.Personally, I have improved greatly during this time. I have developed my empathy and my ability to act with selfless intention. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I see a kind, smart, thoughtful, experienced, courageous, and unselfish human being. For some reason, what I have grown into does not reflect in the world around me. The universe does not seem to care that I have persevered and improved internally for such a long time.I have been kicked while I am down so many times I just gave up. Completely. Two months ago I quit my job, stopped making payments on everything, and started the slow decline into homelessness. I hand the keys to my apartment back tomorrow and I will be literally walking into a world of unknowns. I have no money, so I do not know where food will come from. I have not planned anything so I do not know where I will sleep tomorrow night. My phone was shut off so I cannot even call for help if I need it. I am fucked in so many ways it is absurd.Despite all that, I am not afraid. I have this calm resolve to throw up my proverbial middle finger to existence itself, no matter the consequences. I do not want to play the game any more. I have suffered enough at the hands of this system. it is time to let go and see where the cards fall.I am not suicidal, I am just done. All my dreams have been crushed by my own psychology and circumstance. I did not manifest into this reality to only suffer. Time to roll the dice because trying to control this chaotic mess has not worked at all.Not looking for advice I just felt like sharing. Somehow I know everything will be okay. Not necessarily perfect, but okay. do not ask how I know, I just do. After activating self-destruct mode two months ago, I will be officially homeless tomorrow.",Depression +25276,"Why am I so skinny omfg. Its like impossible for me to gain weight. I have no curves, no nothing. I am miserable My body is the reason why I want to kms",Suicidal +25277,"I have been suicidal for a while now, and I used to be able to post about it wherever I wanted and get support from my friends. But now they said that I cannot vent anymore because it makes them feel bad. And my other friends think I am being overdramatic, that I am being an edgelord. I have nowhere to go if I want to talk about being suicidal. there is no way to vent my ideation.",Suicidal +25278,"I have not been truly suicidal in five years, but its come back and is ten times stronger this time. I cried in my car a few days ago just screaming and begging myself to just end it. I do not think I will, but I am scaring myself lately. My roommate just moved out and I am about to move home so all the privacy and alone time is not doing me well. Thanks for reading, I just needed to put it out there into the world. Why does this feeling always come back?",Suicidal +25279,"I cannot keep my head straight. My thoughts control and irritate me more than usual. Complete isolation and not being to be myself when I step outside is finally getting to me. I feel physically and mentally sick. I have been going through this all alone for years on end. I am genuinely, for the first time, considering suicide. Every hardship, every trauma, every stressful moment I have had to deal and cope with all on my own. I just cannot do it anymore. This has gone on for way too long. I feel like I am done as an individual",Suicidal +25280,"Hey i do not want to fool myself anymoreI am an ugly man, after 4 years of struggle, I am determined to commit suicide. cyanide sounds like the easiest solution. how can i get it? over",Suicidal +25281,"I am a person who tends to think of their feelings often, and pick them apart. Recently, I noticed that rather than my ""normal"" depressive symptoms, a run around the block of the more common issues, I have been feeling sad -- a different kind of sad than usual. Ordinarily, my sad means sensitive, easily brought down and more heavy in a general way. As of late, ""sad"" has meant crying constantly, *literally* crying myself to sleep some nights. And I do not know what changed. I am now on the verge of tears for most of the day, and I do not even have my happy moments anymore. I was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago, bouncing between each specific diagnosis. Now, I am on medication that was working just fine. I have not found any new significant stressors in my life that I could identify -- the only recent change was a change in my as-needed anxiety medication. I have no idea what happened, but I do not know how to cope anymore. Has anyone else gone through something similar, where their depression suddenly twists and changes? Feeling a new kind of sad",Depression +25282,"I did not understand the concept of suicide until I had a depressive episode. I always thought people were idiots for killing themselves because of a temporary situation they were in. But then I had a depressive episode. I cannot describe how utterly painful it was and I would not wish it on my enemy. It was this eerie feeling of just pain. My worst fear was that I knew that if it was not temporary I would have probably killed myself. My parents did not understand it. My mom trashed my room out of anger and frustration. And my dad resorted to material things hoping it would fix how I felt. I finally got through it. You know when people say ""It gets better it gets better"" it does. It might be a stupid annoying phrase but at least it is true. It was not permanent. It went away. The pain. But now my only fear is returning to that state. I feel like I am on the brink of going back there again. And I am so scared to experience that kind of unimaginable pain all over again. I have not showered in weeks. I barely brush my teeth anymore. I have contamination OCD so my once beautiful femine hands became dry, cracked, and ugly because of my excessive hand washing. I barely leave my room anymore. I eat microwave noodles everyday. I obsess over my physical appearance instead of my physical needs. And I know it is only a matter of time before I hit my lowest point again. And this time I do not think I will be able to handle it. If these episodes are going to keep coming back over and over for the rest of my life, is it actually temporary? I am scared of my next depressive episode. I do not think I will be able to handle it again.",Suicidal +25283,"""Everyone goes through shit."" And ""Not everything's about you."" Is something said to me constantly. Everyone does go through shit but I feel like I cannot be human because of depression and I try to smile and laugh but if something even triggers me a little bit (which does not happen totally often btw) I will go ape shit. People see me upset and literally JAB my problems out of me when I do not want to talk about it and proceed to call me a dumbass. I lost a baby last month and people tell me I should get over it because I was early on, the guy I was involved with will not speak to me anymore and for some reason even though I do not want to be involved with him anymore I feel the need to chase after him because the feeling of being abandoned is unbearable to me. I hate having mental problems it feels like one way glass to the world. I feel like everyone is yelling at me even when they are not",Depression +25284,"The edge is very close lately. It feels like nothing else has room in my mind. Getting through days, hours, minutes. Everything is empty, I enjoy nothing. I pretend and try to behave as normally as possible but I have completely dissociated from everything around me. I want to feel something, but I do not know if I ever will again. Long time listener, first time caller",Suicidal +25285,"So here we go. I am 27 and a half, never had a girlfriend who was not online, never kissed a woman, never even hugged a woman besides my mom. Never had any of these experiences, it is been eating away at me for 13 years now, I have tried to cope and just live with it but it is just getting worse and worse. I have been to over 30 different therapists, none of them could help me. I am broke and since I live in the one place in my country where prostitution is legal, hookers here cost at minimum $250/10 mins plus I have to pay for the hotel and transportation. I have no money, I cannot drive, I am basically worthless. Porn has become boring to me now, I got into cyber roleplaying but that is become a dead end now, nobody's interested in me. On the rare occasion I do meet a woman they either tell me I am too ugly or that I am boring and then ghost me. Hell, I got texted from a girl last night and it seemed legit but then she asked for my bank account information and I knew it was a scam. All I get are scammers and bots. I have started having dreams now where I meet women but then I wake up and realize nothing has happened. I got so desperate I started going on personals sites and posting ads just asking if any women would just let me see them naked. I would take even that at this point, it is pathetic. I know someone is going to say sex and all that is not important, and I know you are right, this is not because I care what others think. This makes me feel bad about my own self-worth. I feel like I have not been able to experience something people half my age have already experienced. I am constantly surrounded by people who lost their virginities in 6th grade, or in high school, or at least long before they were even 21. And I am here, approaching 30, do not even know what a woman feels like. Hell just yesterday my mom was telling my grandfather about my former stepsister getting married to a man a year younger than me. I cannot take this any more. I cannot take the dreams, the pretending to grin and bear it every time people talk about their relationship and sexual experiences. it is too much. I am done...I probably sound like an incel...More reason to kill myself. I am going to kill myself next week because I cannot stand being a kissless virgin anymore.",Suicidal +25286,"Lately, I have been feeling *sad*. Inexplicably sad, easy to upset, on the verge of tears. And my doctor (between therapists) says this is just another normal symptom of depression, which I was diagnosed with \~2 years ago. Changes in my depression",Depression +25287,"I cannot believe how stupid I am I am an idiot who wanted so many opportunities. I had so much potential, and I threw it away. I am a dishonor to my family, friends, even my fucking dog. I used to pride myself on my mental strength, but I am a shadow of who I was before. The only joy I get is from drugs and alcohol, scrolling through web, and eating food. This is no way to live life I am done. I am only 20 which makes it even more pathetic some people live till they are 80 and I am killing myself at 20. Fuck. I am a fuck up",Suicidal +25288,Just what is the point? No one cares about me or loves me. I do not deserve help. I am just done. there is no reason to go on any longer. I just want the pain to stop. I feel like I just keep going even if I cannot. But I am just done. Everyone who tries to help me either says that they cannot deal with it a couple weeks later. Or they just get angry at me and refuse to help me. what is the point to keep going. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just sit here in my pain and cry. I am just done. I want it to stop. It hurts so much. I feel so alone. I just want to get a bunch of pills and make the pain go away. I am done,Suicidal +25289,"Since I have had depression for year's my brain operates very slow and I feel it is made me very dumbed down? I used to pick things up fast and now I feel like someone needs to sit down and explain basic things to me and walk me through everything it is like I have no initiative or motivation to do anything myself? It really has made my brain work at a very low capacity, I have to overthink simple things to make sure I am doing it right? Brain works really slow?",Depression +25290,I have noticed that I have been going downhill again and going back to my old ways and i just want to end it all and not look back losing myself again,Suicidal +25291,I do not understand how I have trouble with my depression when things have been going well for me. I started a great job and got into grad school but feel useless and hopeless. My family keeps asking me whatbis wrong and gets annoyed when I tell them honestly that I have no idea. I just want to shut out the world and be alone in that familar silence. I hate myself for feeling this way.,Depression +25292,"I do not want to go home. It feels like being home has turned into a cycle of: bad thoughts creep in - try to resist them - fail - anxious about failing - surviving the night until I can sleep.Because sleeping used to reset my head, but it is not working anymore.I just do not want to go home, but it is not like there is anywhere else to go.Fuckin hell, man, I thought I had beaten this shit a year ago, but here we are again. it is bad because I had not thought about dying in a while, but it is coming back. I am typing this in my car, outside work, where I have been for about an hour now.At least there is this sub. I feel a little bit less lonely reading your stories. Going home is killing me a little bit each day",Depression +25293,"I dunno where to start..I am a 16 yo boy, thankfully I still 've got a life to live but it feels meaningless... As a kid I did not grow up loving my parents or feeling something liie a connection between me and them.Sure I love them I guess but it feels empty. I just do not feel or experience those emotions that people talk about...I did not use to talk to them or even hang out with them because they did not tell me how to... Whenever I try to start a convo with them they do not pay attention and sometimes they do not listen at all... They just see me as a kid that does not understand shit and I have to listen to everything they say without them listening to me. I remember getting back everyday from school and they do not even care... All they say is go study and stop playing. Imagin that happening to you every single day till you are 16... It just hurts. I really really want to feel like a part of the family, I want to feel that love between each one of my family. Having no friends takes it to another level as you do not have nobody to talk or spend time with... I got to the point that i dunno how to talk... I just stutter and feel nervous all the time even if it is normal talk. I would say I have got depressed. I had social anxiety, anthropophobia which is the fear of people and pseudobulbar effect wich is being unable to control your emotions. I have got the point that I cry every single day on my pillow cuz no one knows how I feel inside of me. I see no people and always stuck at home 24/7 Cuz my parents refuse to let me go even for a walk. I remember mom calling dad cuz I was in my room for 14 days straight talking to nobody. I remember every single word my father told me and it went like: get out of your room and stop being dramatic, and also stop acting like little sad kids. These words... It just kills. I have never been able to talk or explain my feelings or my thoughts, I have never felt loved. Every single day I just tell myself that I would be better off dead. Cuz there is no point for me to live. I do not feel like I belong to anyone or anyone even cares about me. I hug my pillow when I sleep as if it was someone. I open my wardrobe and hug my clothes as if it was a person. I always think about suicide. I got to the point that I feel nothing... Nothing at all... It just feels empty... Dull.Plz if you r a parent and you are reading this... Love your children. Give them some love and care. They do not deserve having mental issues and suicidal thoughts. They should not open their wardrobe and hug their clothes as long as you exist. Just listen to them. I know it looks simple and will not do much but it does more than you think. Please.Thanks for reading all this. I feel nothing like if it is black and white...",Depression +25294,"I am a 20 y/o male and recently discovered I have HIV. I had a one night fling with some girl(I know, I fucked up) where our genitals touched but there was no penatration. 2 days later I had sex with my girlfriend and now I am pretty sure she had it too. I want to tell her early enough for her to get treatment but I am so scared and honestly just want to die right now. I am okay with fucking up my own life but she does not deserve this at all, she is an angel.I feel like the punchline of some sick twisted joke. Someone please help me, I am in so much pain",Suicidal +25295,"As the title says, I want to die, I really do, but I cannot, I am scared to die, I am scared to move on to whatever is next, I hate myself and know the world would be better if I was gone but I simply cannot, how do I do it without being scared, is there a painless way, this isint a one time thing, or something happened and this is an irrational conclusion, I looked at the facts, and know I am better off not here I do not think living is worth it to be honest but I am too much of a coward to die",Suicidal +25296,i was so fucking happy a minute ago now i wish i was dead. i hate it how my mood changes so quickly,Suicidal +25297,My doctor just prescribed me rexulti 1mg she said it would not because me to gain weight but I have been researching & looks like there is a good possibility it could?!? Just want to know about others experience with med. I have a major fear of gaining weight & am scared it will because me to be more depressed than I am. Rexulti 1mg weight gain?,Depression +25298,Should I go to therapy or try the path of self destrucion? Which one?,Depression +25299,my suicidal thoughts are in the second person. its you are a whore. they all hate you. i hate you. kill yourself. you have to. its never me. its never myself. and its constant. I am not going to hurt anyone other than myself. i do not think i ever will. but i need help. i need to be locked away. I am scared. i think I am crazy.,Suicidal +25300,"So after i stopped following with my therapist because i discovered he had no experience treating depressed people, he hid the fact that he is specialized in couples therapy from me, a psychology intern, who volunteered to help me, dumped me because apparently my condition is too complicated for her. it is been two years on anti-depressants, anxiety meds, anti-psychotic meds and anti-epileptic meds, been 5 months into a psychiatric ward. And guess what? Not a single improvement lol. Everyone just spout the ""your life worths living"" crap, then quits soon after they discovered how many traumas i bear, fucking greedy world, depriving me from joy and making me feel less than human, not a single friend, never felt what it is like to be relevant in someone is life, only a piece of garbage to be used then walked on, even my own family, except mom who still care about me, despises me and wishes i was not born, including my dumb fatherI wish i can undo my birth, i do not have a single happy memory to help me cope Back to square one",Depression +25301,No one talks to me or call me. Days pass without anyone asking. And my days are filled with abuse from my Muslim(I am an atheist) pieces of shit parents. I am literally suffocating... No friends and Abusive family,Suicidal +25302,That is it I guess. Walk Into a silent river peacefully to never have to come out of it while violin plays in the background I just want to rest,Depression +25303,"let me spare you some of the dream, I have be suffering from depression for over 10 years ongoing in my head.w meds. I have had it by my side through almost all of my major life evens, graduations, travelling solo, cover, everything. its recently that I have seen change in my destructive behaviour. its been evolving from pill popping to (major) alcoholism (sober now) to isolation even the most recent thing I seem to be doing is piercings. I have no professional experience whatsoever other than a stick and poke I gave myself when 14, I have 12 other pricing and 3 tattoos separately prior to this so the idea does not scare me.. in the past 6 months I have given myself at least 9 piercings. all at night in the confines of my bathroom ashamed even though I live alone. I have never hidden my coping mechanism but this seems more foreign, externally puppettered. idk what I am asking anymore but it feels like these behaviours have a brain of their own and can adjust according to what is going on in my head.&#x200B;I am sorry if this is incoherent but my mind is a mush and my nose hurts like a bitch from the last piercing I gave myself lol, I am not half bad at it but it can be my immediate response. can self destructive behaviour evolve and change as our circumstances, sometimes being smarter than us?",Depression +25304,"I am lethargic, I am slow, I am also, just a massive no. I have no energy, I am always weak like wtf, I cannot seem to get anything done( ""even busting a nut"" is well....).My room is a mess and I have not showered in a week(I have had times I did not shower for months).I just barely exist, I am taking space that could go to someone else in a 3rd or developing nation, hey maybe even the homeless person in my 1st World nation.I feel even more f**King stupid aswell, like really dumb, I used to know a 3rd of the periodic table. Now I only know Fe(iron). Doing multiplications in my head is a no, no. I am as thick as pig s**t and dense as a rock. And about as lifeless as a dumpster, after a dumpster fire.Gawd I feel like crap and dumb as f**k! Gots Any Energy....",Depression +25305,that is all I have to say. I am done. I am done.,Suicidal +25306,"I do not know how I will do tomorrow. I do not know how I did today or any other day. Seriously just, fuck. My body is exhausted , I am exhausted and I simply want to die. There is no other way to say it. I just want to fucking die, is that too much to ask? I can barely keep moving",Depression +25307,"I left home yesterday with the intention of not coming back. After hours of driving around and mentally going to hell and back, I did come home. In the past when this type of thing happened, there was a relief of survival and even a little hope. This time feels very different, I now feel like I was not supposed to come back home and now I am living on borrowed time. Anyone else with experience in this? Borrowed time",Depression +25308,i need help. i need medical help. i just hope i can make it until saturday. saturday night.,Suicidal +25309,"120v through one arm and out the other. That means my heart got shocked. Three solid seconds of jolt. If I was not feeling so fucking depressed maybe I would have had the focus to work more safely. They always say ""do not work live"", but the truth is that canadian workers are utterly worthless in the eyes of the rich, and nobody has the balls to stand up for their rights. All they care about is maximum production; lay off whoever promotes a safe working environment, telling them there is shortage of work.I am likely going to get a heart attack and die in the next 24 hours. The world will have one less mistake walking on it. I should never have been born, I am a joke. My entire family line is a fucking joke, and I am going to let it end with me. Please take me God. I got electrocuted today. cannot wait to get a heart attack",Depression +25310,"When i was 12 my dad had a stroke, I am 21 now. I was the youngest sibling between me and my brother so i could not help. I was not able to help and now its really starting to show. I used to cut and i stopped 6 months ago because i met this amazing guy who i love. He helps me through it most of the time but he does not know how to help me now. All through high school i had no friends and i was bullied a lot. I hated myself. I had been sexually abused and physically abused in most of my romantic relationships. And me and my bf have been working through my insecurities. But on to the real problem once i got into college (which i moved 6 hours away from all of it) i struggled to make friends. I finally made a few and they were very toxic people to be with and they graduated. This past year i grew close with a small group of friends. I got into this relationship and at first they were upset cuz i did not hang out as much but they grew to like him. Me and him had a major fight i did not want to be alone so i called my friends. They immediately blamed my boyfriend and said it was all his fault. I started the fight it was all my fault and i explained that to them but in their eyes he did all the wrong. Later that night he proposed to me and i said yes (theirs no ring yet so we agreed on just still saying bf and gf until there is a ring). This upset my friends again and they did not like the fact i was still with him.Its a month past that fight and all of my so called friends went camping without me. I never got an invite but someone who they barely hang with did which kind of makes it hurt a lot more. And they have been posting on their storys about going out and drinking and doing karaoke all of which I have never been invited to this past month. Which really hurts but it also made me realise something. I have never been to a Halloween party but they all went to one this past year. They all planned each others birthdays and we did nothing for my 21st because i did not put it together. Shortly after the fight one of them turned 21 and they did not plan it but i also was not invited and got told the line on it was just a last minute thing so not everyone was invited. I saw all their storys and i was the only one not there. All of this hit me really hard when i thought about how i was never really invited and if i was it was always last minute. And i also thought about how this is our senior year and Ill have to see them every day in classes and work with them because We are all theatre majors. I do not know what to do anymore because i cannot cut myself I am 6 months sober. And i do not want to drink or smoke to forget and have another addiction. I am just not in a good place and my bf can see that but nothing helps how i feel. I cannot cope",Depression +25311,"Hell, even death looks like a place to rest after living like the human trash that I am, I literally have 0 value lolI'm good at nothingNo humor, No social skills, No charm, No Looks, No talent etc.N O T H I N G Which is actually funny, how can a human be so useless at everything? Such a big failure? I was born by accident too LMAONo, this is not a joke,this is my life, which could also be a joke but idk anymoreI want to rest It did not get better for me",Suicidal +25312,"How will therapy help when there is so much wrong with me? I do not see how techniques and ways to cope can simply help me overcome insecurities and anxiety being around people. Meeting new people, dating, all that stuff. Even medication to change chemicals and boost mood. Sure I might be happy, but how is that going to change my physical appearance, desire to change, etc. ITS NOT. Its just putting a bandaid over a wound and not actually healing anything. This is why I am so afraid I will never change. Why I want to just give up and die. How will therapy help?",Depression +25313,"this may be my only hope, the last shining light on this shit life. I was supposed to get paid on Friday and now I am six days late on rent, i do not know what else to do, I have no family, no savings... I need help and I was banned from /r/borrow and r/assistance for my old account being deleted and they saw this as me deleting my post which is so goddamn stupid, if anyone can help me, please reach out., this is going to get taken down",Suicidal +25314,What if I am not meant for any of this? I do well in one part of my life and another part fails. I cannot do it all. I do not know why. What if I just suck?,Depression +25315,"I am not going to kms but I am just... done trying, you know? I have had a migraine all day and came home early and thought I would feel better but now I just... want to stop pretending things will ever get better and sleep. I give up",Depression +25316,"I wanted to know if there is anything I can for my brother. He says he is constantly depressed and hes self-medicating with alcohol, and he already has Cirrhosis. Everyone says he has to want to help himself but it does not seem possible for him. A recent hospitalization for Cirrhosis made him stop for a time and he was doing well but hes drinking again. What can be done? Drinking Driven By Depression",Depression +25317,"I am writing my note, will, and individual notes right now, so I guess if anyone has anything they want to say now's the time. I have decided my method and have everything ready, I am not doing something like the highway because I do not want to get someone else who is just minding their own business involved. thanks to those who took the time to reach out in the past, but I have nothing left to really say. I have decided.",Suicidal +25318,"Like I a lot of time on Reddit, and most of the time I just irritate people. I make a point to try to be genial or at least cordial, but all I do is piss people off. I desperately want to live my life but I cannot seem to break through my stupid fucking mental issues. I am terrified of everything and everything makes me sad. I want to be a good partner to my partner but at the same time thinking about how I have to get better makes me feel bad. I want to get better but I do not want to have to.I feel like I am trying all the time but at the same time I am not trying at all and I am going nowhere and no amount of therapy appointments or self-reflection or anything is going to help and at some point I am going to end up alone again and then I will have nobody to stop me from killing myself. Not that it is her job or anything like that. But without someone counting on me, I will be out of reasons to try at all. Honestly even having plenty of good reasons is not helping. I do not want to die; I am terrified of death. But constantly being pulled toward it and with no motivation or ability to live my life in a way that is not humiliating pathetic is fucking unbearable. All I seem capable of doing is draining other people's energy or just generally annoying people and I did not sign up to have to be useful but I feel the need to be as such",Suicidal +25319,"I am doomed to suffer forever, there is no way out I am stuck I am trapped",Depression +25320,"I am spinning. 27f that has struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid. I have had loads of therapy and was doing relatively well for a few years. Even managed to get my bachelors in social work this past spring. But after a year of self medicating / neglecting my mental health, I had my first actual suicide attempt last week. Since being out of the hospital and realizing what I could have done to my family, I feel so guilty. I am sick to my stomach that I almost put them through losing me. So now, I know I need to get help, but I am spinning. I do not know where to start. I feel a ginormous sense of urgency in getting better, so much so that I am just sitting here, spinning. I cannot stop thinking, ruminating, freaking out. I do not know what to do or how to begin. Help? Need help",Suicidal +25321,"I cannot stand any of this anymore. Each day I get closer and closer to the edge and I am about to say fuck it and jump over on my own terms because fuck this life honestly. I did not ask to be brought here and I do not care about the people around me. I do not care about any of this. Its boring, its tedious, and I hate every aspect of life. I do not understand how neurotypicals can prance around like this is earth and their lives are some amazing gift. Life is hell and I want no part in it. Over it",Suicidal +25322,Maybe I am a lost soul who happened to be thrown to this world. All I want is to loose conscious and Rest In Peace for eternity I really do not get the point,Depression +25323,"I am (23F) am always afraid to talk through my suicidal ideations with a trained professional because of required reporting in my country. This sub let us me do that and that is actually helps a lot. Its something I can do to feel safe about feeling these deadly urges. You know, posting here is kind of cathartic",Suicidal +25324,"I hate everything including [myself.Now]( brain is overload.All day,I am at home.I cannot go outside.I can see people as a pig.I cannot do daily talk to any girl.I feel all girl freeze me out from their groups because of my height.(I am 165 cm).Because all men around the girls are taller than me, and also I see many post on the forum that girl prefer tall guy other than short guy such as me.Apart from that,I am afraid of my future.Because I cannot focus [anything.My]( brain has overload and I cannot discharge all unnecessary [things.One]( day this will because my brain to break down due to unable to withstand excessive [stress.]( lost all interest, all my abilities.When I read anything,I cannot understand all of passage, sometimes I read again same [sentences.Now]( I am on the edge.I have suicidal thoughts. I cannot think anything.My brain shut dow.",Depression +25325,I cannot bear these fucking thoughts that I am constantly having that are totally ridiculous. I cannot fucking take it anymore Get me out of my fucking head,Depression +25326,"I have been depressed and suicidal for about a year - I have leaned too much on my mother for emotionel support, and as a resultat I have felt her lose patience with me and use my weaknesses against me in arguments.We had an argument today where she was telling me how unmotivated and childish I am and that I have a victimMentality, and it made me so upset and hurt and feel so hopeless that I said If you hate me so much, I should just kill myselfI did not mean it as manipulation - I really felt that it would be better for me to be dead in the moment, because I just feel I make everyone is life around me miserable and I do not have the strength to change it.I feel awful about this - my mother means well, and she has a lot of stuff to deal with. But I feel like my actions prove my point.I threatened suicide in a fight with my mother, I get blackout drunk and kiss random guys even though I have a boyfriend who loves me - the shame I carry makes it so hard to not to kill myself.How can I make this up to my mother and how do I go on in life without feeling like a toxic burden to everyone close to me? Impulsively threatened suicide in fight on phone",Suicidal +25327,"I had plans. I wanted to go to college. I believed that if I would study hard, would get good grades, then I would go to a good school. I do not know why but I always believed that being a good student would be enough. That it would get me a scholarship. 'do not worry about money, just study hard' said my parents. They were wrong. All my classmates and friends went to college last year. I did not. I am a weak person. I looked for a job for a year and now that I got it I want to quit after just a week of working. Standing for 8 hours straight is really hard. I do not know if it is because I am fat or because I am used to studying and reading and not using my body. Maybe just because I am lazy. I work in a fabric and every time I walk past machines I got these thoughts about just ending my life, about jumping into them. No matter how much I try to stop, my head is imagining ways my body would get destroyed by these machines. It scares me. I am afraid that one day I will actually do it and someone will get hurt. For a year or two, I have been thinking about killing myself but I always have found a reason to stay alive. I even started writing stories again. It helped for a while. Not for long. I have talked to my mother and my friends about it, I have talked to a fucking psychologist. But I still feel so lonely. At one moment I want to get help and find a way to earn some money and live the life I want to. But then I realise that it is not going to work out and I want to just end it all. I am sad and angry and hurt but I do not know why. I am trying to find a reason to keep on living. But I do not know for how long I can do it. I have no idea why I am writing it. Maybe because I just want to tell someone about how I feel. I do not care. Title",Suicidal +25328,"I decided to go to therapy. The first concern the therapist had was whether or not I might be abusing my girlfriend due to being mentally ill. Not whether or not I might kill myself or how I have been doing the past week, no. Just an assumption that because I am a mentally ill man, I may be abusing the person I love. I felt extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed.And this was at a place that is specifically for men. I immediately asked the therapist if I could pay now. After paying, I got up and left. Never going to therapy again.Fuck this fucking society. Everyone can go fuck themselves. I hope a giant meteor hits this god forsaken planet and ends this miserable hell hole forever. I am done. I cannot stand being treated less than human any longer. Goodbye. Being a man is horrible.",Suicidal +25329,i really want to kill myself. all i need is a good hug. i fucked things up. i really fucked things up. there is only one person who i feel like i can talk to. its so pathetic. its my teacher. thursday is the last day ill see him. I am scared hes tired of my shit. i will be all alone during summer. i cannot live that long alone. please someone help i really really want to do it,Suicidal +25330,"Basically, for a while now i have been starving myself for days at a time. Not because of anything, I just want to feel like shit. I try to justify it with saying it is because i have no control or choice over the food i eat. That of course is bullshit since even though i have always hated the food, i used to eat it.It is a cycle of self hate. I stop eating because i hate myself, which fuels me to hate myself for creating made up problems and that leads to me starving myself and so on.It is impossible to stop and more and more things in my life are becoming this way.My family has been mad at me for ignoring them and being so shitty. And frankly, i do not care.My parent is a shitty parent and I despise them. I stopped caring about what they think. Now i just ignore them and never talk to them. They act like they love me but they look down on my problems expecting me to be their therapist but not vice versa. They keep on saying they are my best friend but all they are, is a middle aged child who birthed someone into a poverty ridden toxic enviroment expecting them to grow up and support them physically and mentally not expecting their own child to be in need of help. One last thing, they keep on making fun of my mental problems and poking fun at them and telling me to just kill myself.Sorry for going so off topic. I was just wondering if I am the only one who hurts themselves for no reason?",Depression +25331,"My moderate to severe depression has been unveiled to have been SAD this entire time, so I hope the recommended light therapy. I am dragging myself out of a spiral, but I am a bit glad that I have a better understanding of what is inflicting on me. After ordering my light, they said **HAPPY15** could reduce 15% off so I wonder if that will work for anyone besides me. the psychologist who made the acronym SAD knew what they were doing. epic jokester",Depression +25332,Suicide gives me alot of peace of mind I love that we can just leave this world whenever we want,Suicidal +25333,"So honestly I am just wondering if this is normal, getting better, or I should be concerned. I had a whole plan to unalive (I have tried like 3 times over the last 10 yrs.) but it had to be in the am before anyone was awake and my alarm went off and I was legit too tired to even go through with it. Like I hate life, I am tired of this but I could not make myself get up. Is this normal depression behavior?",Depression +25334,"I am (M)21 and I really have no ambition in life, is ittoo late for me or will I figure it out in time? I was diagnosed with depression since I was 18 and the pills helped me for a bit but its only temporary. It feels like I am a lost because. I know everyone is disappointed in me and I really do not want to go on with life anymore, nothing seems to be in my favor. I hope I will get better because if it will not, I am really considering taking my life. Is it too late for me?",Depression +25335,"I have started seeing a counselor finally, and she is trying to help me find a way to move forward with my life. I got laid off my job at the beginning of covid, and permanently let go a few months later. I have been living off of my country's covid relief benefit (Canada), and honestly I am at a point where even the thought of getting another job or going back to school send me into an absolute panic. My counselor was asking me, if money was no object, what I would like to do with my time ... and I realized I have no idea. I have had some hobbies in the past, but I always lose interest in them. I struggle to do anything at all throughout the day, I spend my days on the couch or in bed mindlessly scrolling on my phone, and I feel like I am doing that as a distraction, whenever I try to get up to get anything done and I do not have the constant stimulation of my phone I start crying to the point of having a hard time breathing. I am always in pain because I have tmj from a sprained jaw, and bone spurs in my neck that I cannot afford to get treated. I swear I can feel my body slowly atrophying every day I cannot get off the couch, but I still cannot seem to make myself do anything. I know I cannot stay on covid benefits for much longer, so I need to figure out what I am going to do. I feel frozen in place. I just wish I was one of those people who knows what they want and how to get there. I do not know what I am expecting to gain from posting this ... maybe I just needed to vent. I am having trouble figuring out a future ...",Depression +25336,"Had a huge argument with my sister and of course everyone took her side and insulted me and criticised, my father called me a disappointment (I am not surprised I had a feeling my parents are not fond of me) despite the fact that he and my mom have been emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to us for years.And now I am just sitting down here crying and contemplating my existence, I feel like just ending my life and hoping that I will be properly loved in the next life. Why does not anyone love me? I have been suffering from depression for years and on top of years of abuse I have reached my boiling point, I rarely have the strength or energy to do things and I have been feeling so sad about everything.I cannot take this anymore, I am so tired, I do not know what to do.Sorry for the grammar/spelling errors, I am really tired I am really tired",Depression +25337,"Today is my birthday. I am 43. I have certainly tried my best to have a different kind of life. Probably been on over a hundred dates. Every year I think, well maybe next year will be different maybe I will not be sad and alone maybe Ill meet someone who actually cares about me and wants to be in my life. But it never is and I always am and I never do. I always just end up with more problems and hardships and sadness. July 6th",Suicidal +25338,"Background info: Ever since I was young I was obsessed with this sport and would spend all day playing, thinking about, watching it, etc. No matter what had happened it was my main purpose and my main source of happiness, it was/is more or less my identity, I have played and obsessed over improving since I was 8 years old (Now 19, so 11 years of blood, sweat and tears put in to get better and progress *this is the main theme of this post*).Back in 2018 I was diagnosed with depression and had counselling (It did not work), a big part of this was the feeling of unfulfilled potential in a certain sport (this was from myself, I was really happy with how I was progressing at 14/15 yrs old and would spend hours of my day thinking and working to improve even marginally, I was obsessed, because of this I saw a huge jump in my ability and I went from good to very good for my age, I then got complacent, forgetting that I was not an especially gifted athlete in the traditional sense, so I made up for it through drilling technique and working hard, so while I made loads of progress, I forgot that it was because of my hunger and not natural athleticism, due to complacency I got lazy over the winter (off season) and started getting unfit due to eating crap foods, not training anywhere near enough (as I had before), due to this, I came back worse despite getting bigger and stronger due to puberty, I regressed and suddenly felt a sense of worthlessness as I was not where I expected to be after a great previous season. I then fell into depression, stopped caring about anything and even started to care about the sport less and less, putting on loads of weight.I eventually got fit again and came back better than ever (both mentally and physically), I had then progressed even more and noticed a huge jump from the season before and I kept this hunger to improve through the off season (winter just gone), I worked even harder and kept myself in great shape, hoping to progress even more (I had the obsession back). Then I come back and get injured, and I am not sure I will ever be able to play again, and if I do, I will not be anywhere near as good. Just as my life gained purpose again I get this and now I feel isolated and alone as I notice no signs of improvement. I feel terrible and now I know I am slipping back into depression, with no outlet and focus I have nothing to look forward to and strive towards in my life, and the worst part is that I had spent my whole life working hard and enjoying this, putting in hours of work to get better and play at a higher standard, and now that whole 11 years will be for nothing as I am not even going to be able to play past my teen years, my whole identity has been stripped away and I am not sure what the hell I can do...TL;DR: I have just wasted 11 years of my life and now I have no passion or identity.P.S. Sorry for the long post, I needed to ramble and appreciate it is not the most coherent writing. My whole life is quickly unravelling (again, this time I am worried I cannot come back)",Depression +25339,"I am going to see a psychiatrist soon for the first time in my life.Do meds ""cure"" depression? Or do they just supress negative emotions? I have heard of people being just emotionless and feeling like their thoughts are foggy.I mean, can they cure me? Or can a psychiatrist help in other ways? I do not want to get my hopes up for nothingI've been depressed since I was a teenager and I still am now at 25, and I have I have going to therapy for 2 years, so I tried my options.Thanks in advance for answering! How does it feel to take medications for depression?",Depression +25340,it is probably overdue cos I have been feeling pretty good for over a month now which is the longest period of stability I have had in ages. What do you do when you feel yourself slipping into a depressive episode?,Depression +25341,"I would not wish this on anyone. I went from making a great salary last year to not being able to sleep this year when my company was bought, which led to a whole host of sleeping medications....trazadone, ativan, ambien, xyprexa, coupled with propanerol to reduce heart rate. Then I had the worst 30 day headache of my life. I started SSRIs/SNRIs...celexa (had a horrible reaction to this and had to stop). My genetic test revealed I metabolize medications well but I am predisposed to side effects. I went on to cymbalta, and now I am on lexapro. My initial trigger was 2-3 hours of sleep over a 15 day period, and then I had the awesome experience of 45 days straight locked in fight or flight mode. In some ways, I am surprised I have survived this. Prior to this episode, I took like one Advil every 10 years....the desperation was and still is real. I am dizzy and weak, I have lost a great deal of my memory, which was photographic, and my mental acuity and sharpness is slow as fuck compared to who I used to be. I was witty and humorous and showed a great deal of support for other people, and now I only care about how shitty I feel and how no one can relate (you guys probably can). I barely talk to anyone including my wife, because I literally do not know what to say. I have been in intensive outpatient therapy, regular talk therapy and all these meds that are not working and make me feel like shit. I have an awesome friend group and wife, I was successful and own a home, I was talented and driven. I barely know what day it is and there is certainly no way I can work right now. I would love to get back to work and life, but I am not in control of this right now. The pain from this is much much more than just being sad. it is the loss of self, your mental and physical abilities and the anxiety that comes from when will this end? and will I ever be who I used to be? that makes this truly terrifying. To top it all off, there is no relief--it is not like you can pop a cough drop for a sore throat that buys you 15 mins of some relief, depression is every excruciating second of the day. You walk around with an imaginary 200lb ball and chain on your leg that only you can feel. You are not interested in anything, you can barely have sex if at all, and you do not even know who you are or what you have become. I feel like since March, I am only a heart and lung machine, with nothing going on up above. If only depression was just being sad. It took me 40 mins to write these incoherent paragraphs that look wildly different than how I used to write. The reminders are literally everywhere in everything you do that you are not you. Good luck to everyone here that feels this...none of you deserve this and I understand what you are going through. I understand depression now.",Depression +25342,Why do men always project when you call them out I do not want to live in this world anymore do not consent The patriarchy wants me to die,Suicidal +25343,that is it. that is the post. No one cares about me.,Depression +25344,"Excuse my grammar, English is not my first language. I am Male, 25 yrs old. Suffering from major depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorders. Tried to kill myself twice almost 5 years ago. Mom died when I was 8 yrs, father passed away 3 yrs ago. I have been going to therapy since a month ago and I have started to feel more miserable. I like my therapist, she is extremely empathic and understanding. But sometimes she tries to put words in my mouth. I discussed about my problem of social withdrawal and anxiety. I am very hypersensitive person. While I avoid people because I have had horrible experience with people and prefer to be alone. I cannot emotionally connect to people. She said ""The problem lies in my thoughts. External forces are not majorly responsible for your anxiety"" Some of the opinions is hard to digest. I can understand from her POV. Eventhough I tried to change myself, it is very hard for people to accept who I am. it is true that my interpersonal skills are not the best. Does that mean problem lies in myself? Or external world does not have much influence for my avoidant personality? I have been hurt by people but I hate being lonely. Therapy making me feel much worse. Need help",Depression +25345,"I am nearly 20, Male, living in the UK. Growing up I lived with my mum, my step dad, and my two half brothers. I was always an angry child, at 10-11 my mum called the police on me because she kicked me out and I smashed a window.I went to live with my dad as I was starting secondary school, he never made me do anything and allowed me to play video games all day long. I stopped washing as often and therefore started to get bullied for having greasy hair by a lot of the people I thought were my friends in primary school. Soon after I moved schools and over the next 5 years my confidence slowly increased and by the end of it I got along with nearly everybody. However during that time I spent pretty much all of my time, that I was not sleeping or in school, playing video games, to the point where I have now spent 10s of thousands of hours of my life gaming. My attendance and behavior at school gradually got worse and worse. I did not care about revising for any of my GCSEs and therefore failed most of them. After school I did not stay in contact with any of my friends. Then I went to the local college, but once again did not care about the work and skipped a lot of days to play video games. After a few months I met my ex online and soon after dropped out of college. I remember the first time I met her, I saw her walking towards me and I remember thinking she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Also I could see she was nervous and I felt more confident than I had ever felt in my life and every time we met then on I had the same level of confidence. However I would not meet her very often as she lived an hour away and her parents did not like me. Also after dropping out of college I started to develop social anxiety as I never went out, never met any friends, stayed in my room all day playing video games and talking to her. After a year of dating her we started to argue a lot more, she would often lie to me about things that would happen because she was scared of my reaction, and then eventually when I found out I would have a go at her and end up blocking her. She was very insecure and could not understand why I took out all my anger on her and just wanted to spend my entire day playing video games, and on top of that i accidentally got her pregnant twice and she lost them both because of stress. Towards the end the arguments seemed to happen every week and I did not realise it at the time but now I know her life must have been hell. She struggled at college, her parents were very strict, she had to sneak out and get a train to visit me, as I was too insecure to visit her, and on top of all that the person she loved would treat her like shit and prioritise gaming over spending time with her. After two years of dating her, and an argument about me getting an aquarium with my benefits money I decided to leave her. My biggest regret. I started to quit playing video games and after about a month I contacted her again and found out she had found someone new. It almost killed me, I started to drink alcohol, cut myself and spent a lot of my nights sitting on a bridge over the motorway. For two months I tried winning her back, but she lied to me and was actually dating this other guy the whole time. Over the 6 months after I left her I spent everyday drinking and was arrested 3 times and nearly sectioned 3 other times for trying to kill myself and calling the police saying I had weapons to try and have them kill me, and everytime I was handcuffed I would try smashing my head on the ground or wall because I wanted to punish myself.it is over a year later, I have been taking mirtazapine for the last 8 months. I think about her every single day and have tried contacting her so many times with fake accounts but every time I get angry that she hurt me and just end up trying to hurt her more. And if all that is not bad enough, every time I have tried to hurt her I have used every secret thing she told me she was insecure about because I wanted to hurt her as much as possible. I know this is pure evil. I now live in a caravan outside my mums house, I do not play video games anymore, I have been going to the gym everyday for the last few months, I have started to read books. I have got a few tattoos. I have tried to move forward with life and actually become a man. But since taking mirtazapine my memory has got a lot worse and I struggle to think straight. Which is good for not obsessing over my ex but how can I have a future and live if I cannot even think. And a lot of the time I do not see the point in even trying, the best case scenario is I become a man and independent but even then I know I will end up hurting more people and I just do not want to hurt anybody ever again. I just do not know what to do and my reoccurring thought is that if I kill myself than I will spare a lot of people pain in the future, and I guess to also stop myself from being hurt again. No friends, No job, No relationship. I am not a good person, I have hurt people my entire life. Is suicide righteous if it prevents more harm from being inflicted.",Suicidal +25346,I was finally doing better and concentrating on my work and but of course I make a mistake or misunderstand an assignment plus there was a recent death in the family so I am just all over the place.And I just got some negative feedback from my boss and now I feel worthless and it will probably be on my upcoming performance evaluation and my entire day feels pointless. Why bother if I have already messed up?Anytime I start feeling good inevitably something happens to ruin it. what is the point? I keep messing up when I feel good,Depression +25347,"I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I act, I hate the way I think, I hate the way I make things about myself when I claim to care about others. I hate that I cannot do that anymore because I spend so much time trying to ""fix myself"" and none of it works. I hate that I have been feeling this way all my life. I hate that I cannot just do things normally and have to second guess myself every step of the way. I hate that I think that is what I deserve for being such a shitty person and I hate that that keeps me from actually getting better at the things I want to be better at.I hate that I cannot stick to the advice people give me. I hate that every day feels like it is back to square one. I hate that there is no progress at all and I hate that I even expect progress when I am so inept at actually going through with things. I hate that I keep waiting for *something* to push me in the right direction and that I waste so much time waiting for the perfect moment that simply never comes.I hate how much of a burden I am on people. I hate that I am too selfish to accept when someone just does not want to deal with me and that I keep clinging onto those ""better days"". I hate that I could not enjoy those days in the moment. I hate that I cannot work to make these even better days. I hate that I cannot tell if there were ever even good days at all.I hate that I know that I am the one to blame but I cannot seem to do much about it. I hate that I am the common thread. I hate how selfish that makes me, like I am somehow special in how worthless I think I am. I hate that I do not know if dying or living is the more selfish thing to do. I hate that I am stil alive. I hate that I wasted your time reading this.I hate that I could not think of one positive thing to say. I hate that this is all I will ever be. I hate myself. I hate myself so much.",Depression +25348,"constantly, i do not know why but i feel like I am missing a core, something where joy can be felt and happiness is there, why do i feel emptyim not sure if this have anything to do on a spiritual level or if this is what depression is with my brain chemistry being wack or whatever elseim in a relationship with someone and i feel like they are constantly disinterested with me, i feel constantly alone, I have had a few drug problems i recently pushed through and get the want to grt back to them or overdose on something, I am kicked out of my house, keep spending my money because its oneof the only things that feels nice, and its hard bot to try cry everydayi feel so alone and like i have bo one despite knowing i have a few people, i want to die or run away off into the woodsi was about to write a suicide letter the other day but i instead tried to distract myselfi want to die and feel empty, i do not know if i will make itive been trying to get in contact with a therapist but I have been waiting 3 months on a waiting list and i feel closer to suicide everydayive ben thinking of calling a suicide hotline but idki just do not know what to do, i do not want help, love, or care, i want to just die and i do not know how to stop wanting to die missing a core",Depression +25349,I woke up super tired and just depressed af. I hate it so much all I want is to feel good and happy all the time but I cannot!!! It sucks! I am really trying to jus be happy today and jus good but everyone I try to do that I feel so fake yo my emotions...:/ I have been holding back tears all day trying be okay. I do not know why I get in such a sudden depressed mood a lot I jus do not like it. And when this happens my anxiety is higher up and I hate it and that is what making me feel worried and scared and all sorts of feeling. The feeling when have held back tears you can feel it threw your throat and its stiff.:/ why did I wake like this you might be asking.? Is I do not know. I did not want to feel this way at all.:/ if I could change it I would. I could not control myself weather I was going to wake as a depressed fuck head.it sucks bruh. I want to be okay. I want to feel okay. I do not feel numb. I do not want to fake the emotions. I want to say I am okay and be honest to a person ask how am I doing. But I cannot:/ because there that side of me I do not want people to worry and ever because I am going be okay but I am not okay if that makes since..:/ I am not okay....,Depression +25350,"In starting it felt like i am loosing breath for some reason than someone took me to the doctor. And first time i found out it was panic attack. I preferred to be a fighter in life and never ready accept that I may be mentally sick. But it is a very very terrifying feeling to have panic attack. After it settles down, usually during the day, I have shaking muscles in thighs, feels no control on legs. Very very foggy and loaded brain. Red burning eyes and the feeling which killed me, I was not to share and explain what is happening with me. Life kept on demanding what is usually did. Used to cry during nights, always felt, death can be a less painful option. It will end all the misery. But the face of my 2 years old daughter drives me through hell.Why God thought about creating life is my biggest and only question. Terrified, Worried, Shivering, Shaking Legs, Fast Heart Beats, Foggy Mood.",Depression +25351,"Whichever it is, I feel either one of those, I would rather be free of it.... I just do not want anything, it would be nice if everything could just stop maybe cannot decide which is worse- emptiness or sadness.",Suicidal +25352,"I was having a discussion recently about this. I see ideation as thinking about suicide as an escape, but a tendency is to have the inhibition to make a plan. Does anyone know if there is better terminology? Thoughts? I feel like I have struggled with ideation for two decades at this point. Suicide ideation vs. suicidal tendencies",Suicidal +25353,"I dropped out of college in 2014 following a suicide attempt after dealing with domestic violence at home and in my relationship, being broke and without a real home, and losing my sense of identity to everything I was trying to be for everyone else. Since then, I have done counseling, I take my meds, I climbed the career ladder at my job and can provide for myself, I feel 100% sure of who I am, and I would never been better. However, to elevate my career to where I want it, I need to get my BA (with a Graphic Design focus). I am getting registered with my top pick university, I have support, and I am on the right track. However, all of my confidence in myself and my work has flown out the window. I feel like an imposter, like I was not meant to have this, and like I am destined to fail. I can feel depression creeping in, I never feel like doing anything except gaming anymore, and I freeze whenever I have to do anything adult-y. Some people make this higher education gig look easy and here I am, 30 years old, freaking out about it. I guess I just really need some support and a sense of community (this is my first time posting here...so scary). And any advice would be appreciated as well. Everything's falling into place for me and it is making me feel worse???",Depression +25354,help idk how to take out my frustration and anger What do you guys do when you are frustrated?,Depression +25355,I fucked it up they scheduled an appointment with a counselor but i think they see me as a failure fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I finally told my parents,Suicidal +25356,"I do not know what to do anymore. I am tired...of everything. I am not even sure I am feeling anything anymore. This place sucks. Everything sucks and I have come to this realization that no one actually cares about how anyone feels. No one cares how I feel. No one cares that I am tired and I am trying, but I feel like giving up. As much as I am scared to die, I want to die. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to be here and suffer. I am tired of suffering and the pain. I am sure no one will miss me when I am gone and I will be forgotten. I do not matter. I am nothing. I am tired of being used, tired of people pretending to give a shit about me. No one cares. I am tired. I am drained. I hate it here. I am tired",Suicidal +25357,"Can anyone tell me if he/she is finally making what makes him/her happy? And what is that? And how did you managed to obtain this? It can be anything, work related, family related, anything. I am feeling stuck for a long time now and I feel I am failing in any way. I am curious abot you. What makes you happy? Making what makes you happy",Depression +25358,"I remember months ago, where when I was sad I used to cry so much all the time, think and cry, after my parents were gaslighting and manipulating me I would cry. Now I cannot. I do not know if this is weird to say, but I miss crying. I feel like I do not feel, if something happens good or bad, I do not react anymore, and if I do its usually anger. I do not care about anything anymore. I also feel invalidated, because my other depressed friend cries often and is upset even when they are out with me and I never do that. I never cry infront of anyone, or even at terrible things I do not, so i feel like i do not have it as bad, and maybe i am getting better, but i do not feel like i am, i feel like i am getting worse. What do i do? Numbness",Depression +25359,"Just 2 weeks ago got the diagnosis of having bpd (borderline personality disorder) which basically is a very narrow ability to feel things. it is either very high or very low - nothing in between and depression ""just"" is a side effect of it. it is not same for everyone but to me it was i never was able to feel things like being in love or like someone. it was either fully love someone or hate of which the love part got lost over the last 10-15 years. All that i have since i was 6 years old... now - 40 years later (10 weeks ago) it went so heavy and unhandable that i decided to start a therapy. first weeks i thought ""ah - therapy does not help anything - maybe better stop it"" but i was super lucky with the doctor in there - i started to build up trust to him (which for a borderliner is extremely rare) and more weeks went in. At around week 7 or 8 some weird effects kicked in - i started to get feelings i never knew before (all that stuff that is in between very high and very low) which is very irritating because there is no way for me to handle those feelings. Some i even cannot name. But i read and i talked to the therapists and found out that this is the way to get around with the illness...next step would be get rid of the self harm and suicidal thoughts and the deep wrath and hate which is my base feeling level (only against myself - never against another person). Problem with that is that this will take around 3 to 7 years. Sorry for long intro but now to the problem : one of those new feelings is what others would call being in love. Have no experience with that feeling and as dumb as it sounds no idea how to handle it (i know that usually every teen knows what to do with this feeling) and i fell in love with one of the women who also are in therapy where i am. This feeling is so strange and hurts so extremely much that i just had to vent about it to people who may understand it at least a bit. Acting towards this feeling is totally impossible to me because i will not know how and it would be super selfish because that woman has her own problems to carry. (besides the part that times where women were attracted to me are long gone.)I know it is a very long text and that maybe no one has the nerve and / or time to read all us. It just had to get out. :) Thanks to all who read anyway and also to those who do not just for being here ! Borderline in trouble",Depression +25360,"Dehydrating and starving myself till slow damage, in jail if i do jail time. that is the timer.if i do not it wants another timer.Red Blue Green. White lightOne dark and one white an image. Isolated myself to the point of no return, everyone in society has changed, my mom has weirdly change because I have isolated. who is real? Who remained the same? Who has not changed?",Suicidal +25361,"I cannot take this anymore, I feel like I have to kill myself. I cannot deal with this mental illness anymore. I do not even know if it is even OCD or not at this point, I keep having thoughts that I somehow tried to harm people and it makes me feel like such a monster, I am not even able to sleep it off. I just want to lay in bed and hurt myself and starve until I rot I cannot take this anymore. My OCD revolves around me somehow being a predator and it feels real",Suicidal +25362,"i had my first attempt 1.5 months ago. there was a small amount of time after it that i did not feel really desperate to try again soon but that urge to end it has come back. and i really want to do it. I am so sad and embarrassed that i failed. i do not know what to do with myself, everything is so hard and painful and meaningless to me.I am just hopeless i feel so suicidal again",Suicidal +25363,"I always used to think it was me...that something was wrong with the way I was, or that maybe I could make people like me if I tried to be a little like them.But...people can love you the way you are, if they understand you...I used to think I was lame and ugly, I wanted to look cool and funny...so I keep my hair long, and crack a joke...hoping someone, anyone would talk to me..There was a lot I tried to do to connect to people.Sometimes, it even worked, and sometimes not....Loneliness hurts, you know?...being pushed out...not feeling welcomed...All I want is to be happy... for me, that means having a great family and amazing friends who love me, and I love back...that is not so bad, is it...? 3.00 am Lonely Man",Depression +25364,"Hey guys.I have had major depression before, but over the last 3 months my episode has been so bad it almost feels unnatural. There have been days where I wake up feeling so SICK and depressed I fear that something is literally eating away at my brain even though my scans and blood work have been fine. I get extreme anxiety and just feeling off all day long. I know I would seek help before I ever thought of hurting myself, but its like I am in so much pain I can almost swear something is physically wrong with me other than just depression. Maybe I am a newbie and have not experienced it to this degree before. Feel like my brain is breaking down by the day. Anyone else feel anything similar? Irrational fear or brain being ruined?",Depression +25365,"Went for a walk to clear my mind, just kept looking as buildings, thinking how I can access to them and jumping off. Jumping off a building",Depression +25366,"i just hate my life so much...i want it to end, all the suffering and all the fking pain that everyone gives me, I am sick of getting betrayed and made fun of, i just hate everything about me, thank you for those who turned me like i am now, i fking hate everything and most of all i hate mysekf, nothing on me is good or even fucking normal...I am just shit at everything, i should just cut my wrist and end it...there is not anything to keep me here... Should i start cutting again...",Depression +25367,"Hi everyone... I am a 19f and I have been depressed and anxious since I was around 13. I also have OCD and ADHD. My life has been pretty fucking shit the last year and half or so like everyone else, but the last month in particular has just been throwing one punch after another at me. I have been suicidal in the past, but nothing like this. Despite being in therapy and finally deciding to try meds again (tried 3 different ones at 15 and all made me worse but I am trying another out of desperation), I have never been this close to actually attempting to harm myself. Point is, I know I need help. Badly. What I am doing now is not enough. So naturally I thought I might benefit from staying in a mental hospital. But I have heard and read such incredibly mixed reviews on whether it is actually harmful or helpful. I am in Massachusetts, USA if that helps anyone have an idea of the type of care around me. But I am worried about being disconnected from the world for an unknown amount of time especially while I am trying to get a job. I am also gluten free for health reasons (but not allergic) and have a lot of stomach issues (I am low fodmap and acid too) and I am worried about being able to have half decent food that works with my restrictions. I do not know what they would confiscate from me there so that I can know what to leave at home. I also do not know what I can bring for comfort like my own pillow and blankets? I do not know how much privacy I will get. Things like that. I have done some research, but cannot find much in depth.If anyone could share their experiences especially if they went to one in MA I would be incredibly grateful. Because having to make this decision with very little idea of how it would actually pan out is just bringing up more anxiety for me which I really do not need. Not sure if I should admit myself to a mental hospital or not (TW)",Depression +25368,"Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 7months now. We both have mental illnesses and we both have depression. I have been going to therapy for 4 years now and I see clear results. My boyfriend has only now gotten help and he is in an extremely dark place right now. I am trying yo help him but I just do not know how. He has no motivation to do anything and he just seems so down. He does not talk to me about it. Everytime I ask how hes doing he says hes fine. And when I ask him, is he sure hes okay, he gets mad. I just do not understand why.He does not really do anything for this relationship, and I get it I truly do. But it just hurts me and I feel like I am falling back to depression because of this. He never texts me and when we see each other he does not really talk or doesny want to cuddle or anything. We usually just have sex and maybe eat in silence and then go to sleep. And I feel so selfish because my depression is getting very bad. So my question is how do I help him? Can I? What things should I say to him to reming him that I am here? How do I help my boyfriend?",Depression +25369,"Alright so i am 20 y/o and i feel like i have wasted my life and not enjoyed as much as i should, this covid situation keeping us home is not helping at all, i want to go out and enjoy life with friends and i feel like i only have 1 or 2 years left until professional life starts :(, i am a lil depressed so i just to know is it like common to think like that or is it only me?Have you been through such thoughts? If yes, what do you have to say about it? I am supposedly living the best days of my life!",Depression +25370,"Hi, I am new here i'do not even know how this app works,all ik is that here i can talk, i do not even know if someone would see it.I have alot of things i want to say first of that these days are the worst in my life really the worst bc it is not related to anyone or any outside things, just me and i, my mind is killing me i live in pain everyday nd I am just 19 yrd why me nd why this I keep wondering. What i cannot be successful at anything i wanted to work to finance my bills...., i tried to learn e-commerce.... Nd alot of things on internet but nothing works nothing i gotno results. Now i hate ppl who says (hiw to make money on-line) they are just liar, they will not tell you any truth. I just need some money to live or even that i want peace why i cannot live normal life idk if I am depressed or bipolar or schizophrenic idk it is just too much for me sitting there trying to find a way to make my life better even my mental health do not help me.I just hate my life, i hate it so much nd i want to disappear ineed peace but I cannot have it, ppl do not understand that I am in pain. Hey",Depression +25371,"I am trying so fucking hard to not let this shit beat me and consume me but every day it gets harder and harder as I become more and more tired , I need someone to love me or I genuinely do not think I am going to make it through to the end of this month I am so alone and I am fighting so hard but I can feel myself slipping Second wind",Suicidal +25372,It honestly seems as the only thing that can be done now.The family will understand. The only way to claim my life,Suicidal +25373,. I get some kind of stress induced paranoia. Just recently I lost my job and girlfriend 2 weeks ago on the same day. I am moving back in with my parents in fear of myself because I have had 2 suicide attempts last year all because of paranoia. I am of sick living like this. I wish I was normal. Living with Paranoia,Depression +25374,"I am 16, I previously had suicidal thoughts and fantasies but I no longer have them. I have had low self esteem, self image issues, and depression in general for years now. I drink alcohol to help cope with my issues which does work. I think the thoughts went away because I am more interested in a relationship even tho I have never had a girlfriend. But could the thoughts ever return out of nowhere? I no longer have suicidal thoughts but will they come back?",Depression +25375,"Use to go out all the time do dangerous shit, get in fights, do pull ups off of street lights.I lost it i do not know how but I have become a scared shut inNot wanting to go outside because of some social anxiety Hate this So hateful Lost it",Depression +25376,"Last night I was going to try to overdose and only took 5 sleeping pills. I was playing Minecraft and just crying a bunch and eventually told of my friends and she said she was going to call the police. I only took 5 so it definitely would not have killed me (at least I think) but anyway she said she would not call the police as long as I made myself throw them up, I did. I went to bed after that and sometime in the middle of the night I woke up. I was super super super dizzy and tired but could not sleep and my arms also felt really weird, I kept having to move them which was usually me punching the air. At one point I decided I was going to watch YouTube and I could not even remember typing things in while I was doing it, it was really weird. But yeah this is like my 11th unsuccessful attempt and I honestly think I am done trying because it sucks. got to love unsuccessful attempts",Suicidal +25377,"I cannot kill myself because Id hurt people around me but I cannot live in this cursed world. Everything is a lie. It would seem like life is getting better but only later you realise, this was to hurt you all the way along.It is said that when my mother was pregnant, the doctor said I was not gona make it. Out of the odds I came out alive just to witness this pain? The person I loved the most, I person I begged for everyday in my prayers, the only thing I had in my life left me saying I am not enough. I was happy for 4 years I thought all my suffering was worth this happiness but in the end everything is a lie and she came into my life only to leave me. It pains to a point where it is not bearable anymore. If there ever is a concept of rebirth, I wish I should not make it out of the hospital. Why would god save me just to take everything away from me. I cannot stop my tears and I cannot stop the pain which engulfs me. Please god, forgive me for whatever sin I have done and please stop this pain please! Trapped",Suicidal +25378,"I thought I was doing better after getting out on meds. Maybe I was for awhile but now I am not. I still think of suicide everyday. I still think of hurting myself. I guess the only plus to being put on meds is not having the constant breakdowns I was having everyday before. Anyone else experiencing this? I have no clue what to do. I truly feel like life is not worth living. I am unhappy most of the time. For the last 7-8 years I have only experienced very temporary happiness. I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way. I have a mom who loves me, family who loves me, a house to live in, a job, friends, dogs. I feel like a burden, my mom will not allow me to keep the meds in my room due to past suicide attempts and the frequent thoughts I have. I need some advice. Maybe I am not doing so okay",Depression +25379,"I cannot imagine living like this anymore. My life has become just surviving day to day, its not even life anymore. My depression has got a bit better recently but only because its summer and after it ends, its going to be hell. Still do not know how, but I am reconsidering some options, i just need to find confidence to really do it (which I am most scared of obviously)I do not even have any goals or anything to looking forward to in life. I feel lost and alone, just like i lost some of my inner soul in past and now I am like trying to at least survive to another day expecting something will change it might get better or I would get better but it just will not. I cannot get over things that happened and i fucked up. I hate myself, my stupid brain and every single thing of myselfRemember that one time when you were young and someone asked you or you just imagine if you had milion dollars/infinte money, what would you do with it?Because now only think I would buy is gun and shoot myself. So, yeah.I am so done I need to urgently kill myself before this summer ends",Suicidal +25380,i had a depressive episode that lasted all of 2020 and kind of stopped in may or april of this year now i can feel myself being depressed again. i cannot feel like that anymore. i just do not want to be like this anymore.i went to a psychiatrist in april. she helped with my anxiety but with less anxiety my depression got worse. i have less energy. i do not get panic attacks anymore but the panic attacks at least gave me a bit of relief afterwards now my anxiety just stays. and at least i had a little bit of anxious energy. now i just float in my misery and disassociate. i do not want to feel like this anymore. i do not want to feel like shit anymore. i want it to be over. i do not think anyone can help me. i feel like no one and nothing could. i do not think i will kill myself. i just want to hurt myself i think. just to feel something. i think there is something very wrong with me. i cannot feel like this anymore,Suicidal +25381,I often think about this question. My perfect life is not in this world or one quite the same. I wish I had a place but I simply do not and why is that such a bad thing? What would your perfect life look like?,Depression +25382,"This is a throwaway account but this is a real post. For context, I am a young female who has been used and abused throughout my life. I was molested by a woman when I was 5, physically abused by my former stepfather, molested and raped at age 18, both times while blackout drunk. I got married and was used for a green card, I was abused by him and we got divorced. I started dating after the divorce but I found myself being used by men for sex. I started thinking that if I was a prune, no man would want to be with me, so I kept making the same mistakes over and over. I feel gross and disgusting. I attempted suicide last November by ODing on my antidepressants, did not work. I am now feeling like giving up. I do not think I can be fixed and I cannot heal. My stomach is all messed up from taking those pills and I am constantly nauseas, throwing up my food and I am sick of it. I cannot keep a job because I am mentally unstable and depressed. I have been looking at things rationally and I really feel like using an exit bag and taking myself out of my misery would be better. Am I really so crazy for wanting release? I have been through so much more than what is on this post, I hurt so much everyday. I am currently living with my bf of 6 months who has taken over the bills the past two months after I quit my job. I feel like a huge burden. I have been diagnosed with ptsd, mdd, gad and insomnia. I have no health insurance so I cannot get therapy and I lost my antidepressants Used and abused",Depression +25383,"I can live with being ugly and sexually unsuccessful. I can live with a crappy job that I hate. I can live with no friends, and lifelong anxiety. These things, while awful and obviously detrimental to my life, are manageable. What I cannot live with is longterm, physical health problems that cannot be cured or permanently alter your daily life. You know you are fucked when doctors shrug their shoulders, when therapists run out of advice, when your family becomes uncomfortable and changes the subject. I am currently plagued by chronic pain and other conditions that are proving difficult to diagnose. At this point, it is no longer a war in your head - your life has objectively gone downhill. I am not a martyr, I am not a ""fighter"", I am beaten down and worn. I had very little to begin with, and now my body is declining, too. I see no reason to stick around if I cannot even *manage* my current level of shit. there is no recourse for longterm physical issues",Suicidal +25384,"I have been trying to get a therapist but my insurance is bad and the one place I could find was South Jersey Behavioral Health. do not go here. It has taken them a total of four months to get an appointment. They do not pick up the phone and the message box is full. I had to go there in person in May to fill out papers since they do not pick up, wait a month for an intake call, wait a week for a call to set up a real appointment, and when they did not call I go back there in person (again, no picking up phone). Secretaries are just shooting shit with each other and not busy. I ask her to make me an appointment and she says the next appointment is mid August. I asked why it takes so long to get an appointment, she says they are booked. Really, bitch? You guys do not look busy here at all. I just told them I will be taking my business elsewhere (like there is anywhere else), and to go fuck themselves. I came home and filed a complaint to the Better Business Bureau. it is just to give them info; I am not taking legal action.TLDR: Doctors hate me for no reason and no one cares about my mental health. I reported behavioral health place to BBB",Depression +25385,"I destroyed my family with my stupidity (not adultry). My wife is rightly leaving. I am the biggest asshole and have unintentionally hurt too many over my years. I do not see social cues. I do not know these things that others do. I am mis-manufactured, a reject, forever broken.My kid will be ok. Heck most kids only have a single parent now days anyway. My ex will be happy. she will be able to bang whichever hunk she wants. she will get everything plus life insurance. they will be set. it is the last thing I can give.I do not have strength to give anything else anymore. I do not have anything else to give anymore. Nobody will notice or care when I am gone. No reason not to",Suicidal +25386,"Had I known this is what it meant to win the race, life and existence was the award, I would have avoided that egg like the black plague. I should have made a fucking you-turn Why? Just why did I have to be the fastest sperm cell?",Suicidal +25387,I hate this fucking cycle of feeling ok for a few weeks and then being sucked back into months of bullshit. Will it ever end can some one pleas answer that question so I can decide what to do with my life Is there any hope,Depression +25388,I really hope that is true and that time goes as fast as everyone says Someday you will look until the mirror and realise you are old,Suicidal +25389,What you were doing to distract yourself today? Or how you spent day? Who played videogames? What games? (I am going crazy little bit today and noone to talk to so thought about others what they did) What you were doing today?,Depression +25390,"Hello everyone, I have a problem all I want to do is just stay in bed and nothing, I am like this since 2 months, before this 2 months I would go outisde everyday , cars would enjoy me, I would listen to music, but now I just want to stay in my bed and sleep sometimes and even if I sleep 11 hours at night I feel sleepy and tired next day and I have no motivation do no nothing now.. btw I am 17 years old , is this normal or I am in depression, what can I do to fix this? Thank you verry much, have a great day/night ! Am I in depression?",Depression +25391,"My cousin recently went in search of a therapist to find help for her depression. She admitted to the person she spoke with on the phone that sometimes she hits herself when angry. They said she will need to do an inpatient screening. She is now terrified she will be forced to go to an inpatient program, lose her job, who will take care of her kids, etc. Her kids have never witnessed this I thought that you would not need to do that unless you are an immediate danger? Is this right? Last time I happened was a few weeks ago. Automatic inpatient",Depression +25392,"did everything right, did things the way they should be done, always chose the selfless choice. But still cannot get the right results i always end up disappointing myself and getting people disappointed. What do you do when you already did what is right? Feeling like a disappointment to humanity",Depression +25393,"Life for some is unbearable a broken brain, poor copping skills just being depressed day after dayMore things going wrong to add to the pile that is already sky scraper tall Box of wine and train for me I think I can do this anymore I do not have the energy to even write anymore my head is gone my brain can cope with anymore hurtAs petrified as I am of death life is undoubtedly more painful Bye to all of those I love if my phone gets looked into by police What the is this thing called life",Suicidal +25394,"HelloI dated a depressive girl for 6 months we fall in love and shared our deepest secret, recently we been in a lot of fights because of the depression I did not understand why she has pushed me away and telling me she love me and I was precious I though that I was the problem so we was fighting than get back than fighting and back,One day I told her that we could make 30 days break to see how things going on and as an idiot with ADD what I have I forgot that in the same conversation she told me having abandon issue,so we discuss and we argue then I told I been watched vids about healthy relationship and that for that I been thinking about it, and she told me ""yes but that women have not depression"" and that knocked me out and I just got that I was a pure idiot, we argued and been kind of okay , I just felt I was the problem all along and did not see the depressionthen I educated myself about depression to understand how to well communicate and that was not my fault she pushed me away but too late I broke her heart and we been on big discussion I just lisened her than repeat what she was telling to show her I truly understand than explain her why, she feel as an idiot to gave me so much power over her emotion and she feel I jeopardize her feeling and I always coming on me,than we watched a movie together she is explained me the joke without that I ask her because I am French and than I asked her "" how do she is feeling "" and she told me "" neutral way but on the good way for the moment ""than this morning I send her a message"" GoodmorningSmall message to tell you that I appreciate the moment we did share Yesterday, I appreciate that you been explaining jokes I missed out also explain to me about the question to ask myself when I am craving food that helping me, you make me feel so good ! You precious I I Care about you ! ""she did not answer and that never happen and than I send her two message on afternoon ;"" I am thinking about you and I hope you going well, I hope that work are not to much today""""Hooo and I understand that you need Space I will let you this Space but just want that you Know I am here for you as support always""I really love her a lot and I am worried that I broked her and do not know what to do I think I will just wait for the moment and tomorrow morning if she is did not reply I will post a small message tell her that I understand and I will always be here for herIf someone had this kind of situation I will gladly appreciate My girlfriend, she is depressive and I screwed up!",Depression +25395,"Why am I even trying to get better?I have been in different kinds of therapy for 2 years and nothing has improved. I tried to get a job recently, which took a lot of effort for me not to give up, and it went poorly. And now I am going on a date with the girl I love. I want to work, but I know it cannot, so why do I keep trying? What am I doing",Depression +25396,I did have horrible childhood trauma and some shitty memories and a shitty time where i did not have anything and YEARS later I finally found happiness and I finally had a console and a laptop that can play games that made me happy and felt kind of independent and was pursuing my dream job and then LIFE took many of it away because now I have a disorder called hyperacusis which makes me sensitive to sound so its hard to take walks outside ..I cannot listen to music ..and I have to play video games on mute which is ..okay i guess i can..still play probably but the soundtrack and voice acting are half of the game :( SO now I am just miserable and depressed and do not know if I can even work in the future. but let us not talk about the future. I am miserable now. fucking miserable. And none of my friends understand they think I am being a weak person because my disorder is ... invisible. back to being suicidal again. Barely had 2 happy years. now I am suicidal again. I am still so young. but ill be suicidal forever i think...and it feels like this will only get worse. Maybe I am wrong. maybe. but i do not think so. FUCKING HATE how life can be so fucking cruel . I never asked for any of this. Life can take everything away,Depression +25397,"I have been avoiding and giving up this for a long time, but I know that I have to do this at the end. I hate living, I hate being stuck here. I wish I could die in my sleep, but I cannot so I will kill myself",Suicidal +25398,"My husband and I have been seperated 2 years. Last night he told me we are not getting back together and that he is moving in with his new girlfriend. I cannot believe I am holding up as well as I am today because I have been depressed about his behavior for the last 2 months. I do not have alot of friends anymore and I am not sure how to make new ones. I am a 51 yr old female. I am staying with my parent's right now, but I am so lonely. My Mom has gotten sick and she is not getting any better. I force myself to keep going everyday and I am seeing a counselor but the sadness is still there. Any suggestions ? Seperated",Depression +25399,"I have tried waiting for things to get better. It did not, it increasingly got worse. I might sound terrible but I no longer care how my suicide affects my family and its freeing, its cathartic to visualise the people who abused me suffer from my suicide.Please do not message me telling that life is worth it. Save that energy for someone who wants it I have reached the point that I no longer care about how my suicide affects others.",Suicidal +25400,"(Other than meds, doctors and therapists) what is 1 Thing That Has Helped You Fight Depression?",Depression +25401,"i have come onto this community before and posted, but soon deleted it after 10 minutes or so. i decided to come on here again, as more time has passed since my episode and my thoughts are more collected. i woke up this morning to my mom barging in my room telling me to wake up, like always. me having to lie about going to sleep at eleven instead of telling the truth about how i broke down at 2 am. i feel guilty. I am in a loving family but somehow feel numb. almost like a doll. an empty she will brought to life to fool those who watch the show. i could never tell anyone in my life i feel this way, as my hard work would collapse. they would never look at me the same. my straight a's, academic and athletic accomplishments, gaining people's trust, people knowing they can come to me, me. i need to be reliable. this hollow she will somehow seems easier to play out then showing my sorrows to my beloveds. i could not. i do not think i can take it. i do not want to worry my mother, she already has too much on her shoulders. i can take it. I am fine. everything is fine.it feels a little lonely now a days. everything is... crumbling.**i will probably delete this soon, but thank you for listening. i feel a little hollow inside.",Suicidal +25402,"I am hopeless yet still anxious about tomorrowBut when I think tomorrow as 'void', my mind becomes calm.After less than a second I can stop myself immediately without physical pain. This sounds pretty appealing. I thought about hanging but fauled for being too afraid for the prevailing pain, but this may be different. Good. Falling off the Building is Pretty Attractive",Depression +25403,"No one will read this or care but I am so sick and tired of my life. People would always tell me when I was younger things will get bette/you will not feel this way forever but that is a lie. I am very fortunate to not have to worry about anything since I live with my boyfriend and he takes care of everything for me. But I am still unhappy; probably because he treats me very badly. we have been together for four years and I have been living with him for three after my parents kicked me out because I would not go to an inpatient program for an eating disorder I do not have. They kicked me out and then got pissed when I did not come back home, and tried to call the police on my boyfriend and his family, and to report me missing. None of this worked because I was not missing and I was not being held against my will. So I do not really have the support from my family and if I moved back in with them like they have begged they will take my phone and cut me off from anyone outside my immediate family.I used to have a lot of online friends but after one of my close friends ghosted me I got very suicidal and told them about it. Their response was to contact my sister who then told my parents and my parents tried to get me involuntary committed into psych ward. They also called adult protective services on me to try and force me to come home. Neither of those worked and I am on very tense terms with my family. So they are not an option to try and get any help or support or assistance from. Another close friend who I confided in about my issues (he would do the same to me) sent me a message full of hate and telling me I deserved everything that happened to me because I stopped talking to him. I stopped talking to him because he would not respect my relationship and it made him really angry that I did not want to talk to him anymore. It was kind of good because it revealed that he was major nice guy/incel.So since then I have not really tried to make any friends online or in real life since then. In high school I had bad experiences where I had friends and Id want to hang out with them and make plans with them and stuff but as soon as their other friends asked to make plans with them, they would ditch me for their other friends. I guess they did not like me very much, but you have not tried being friends with people irl since then. The only people I talk to are my boyfriend, his best friend because he comes over all the time, and then my only remaining online friend.Now about my boyfriend. At first when we first started dating everything was wonderful and it was nice. The problems started about 4 months in, but I wanted to make things work because I was infatuated with him. But anyways, after I moved in with him full time, he started abusing emotionally and sexually. he would call me shit and call me stupid, insult me to my face and then ask me why i was upset. He would say upsetting or mean things to me and if I confronted him about it he would immediately say it was a joke and to lighten up. He would have sex with me when Id tell him no and he would pester me until I just let him because then he would leave me alone after he was done. he would have sex with me when I was asleep and whenever I sit by him he molests me until I stop him. When I tell him no to anything sexual he gets very pouty and give me the silent treatment when I ask him to please stop touching me because he touches me literally 24/7. He gets angry at me when I do not want to have sex because it does not feel good to me. Its to the point where I wish I was not female anyone so he would not be constantly trying to feel me up and have sex with me. One time we had a pregnancy scare and he said if I was pregnant he would refuse to let me have an abortion and convince me to keep it. I hate children and have no desire to hace one. I told him if he forced me to keep a baby Id kill myself and he got angry at me when I told him it seemed he cared more about this potential baby than about my life and my wants and wishes. Good thing I did not turn out pregnant. This happened two years ago and its still happening now. I have no where to go and I am tired of him treating me like shit and justifying it because I do not have a job. I want to kill myself so I can be free from all of this. I want to kill myself so I am not just being used for sex. Hes only nice to me when he wants to have sex and he feels bad that I do not want to do he buys me things afterwards. Things do not get better.",Suicidal +25404,"I want someone who will be close with me, share secrets and trust in me to be their one. I am married, my husband does talk to me about things that bother him but he also talks to all of his buddies at work and honestly anyone else that will listen. I am not like that. I have a therapist and I still even hold back with her. My ""best"" friends from school always had someone else that they leaned on more. Now that I am older, I do not really have friends, just coworkers and family that have their own people. My sister-in-law just told me something very important and I was like the 20th down her list of important people. Our brother and sister-in-law were the first that she went to because she is closer to them.Is there something wrong with me? Am I being too jealous and envious? I am so jealous and broken feeling because I do not have someone. If I tell my husband anything, he has to tell someone else because he cannot hold it in. He dwells on it and has to talk it out. Wanting Attention",Depression +25405,"I am sorry to make you feel bad but i am overwhelmed and probably will end my life .let us talk about me: i am an 18y/o guy who is depressed and anxious since the age of 14 when i started noticing i was around quite nobody.I always had few friends but in the last 4 years things get worse. I do not know if its adolescence or something like that , but I am aware that i am worthless and nobody likes me (even my brother) . my only luck is that i always had pets and luckily i have a strong bond with them because i am a very sensitive and sweet person , maybe is for this reason that i always had problems with my peers at school . Since October 2020 i put myself a goal : getting a girlfriend within december 2021 . So during this period of time i tried hard getting a girlfriend fighting my shyness , but i keep getting rejections and fails, and this for my already low self-esteem is enough . Also be alone without my will is hard to accept. So i arrived at the conclusion that it is not worth keep living in this way and want to commit suicide but i cannot because my mom would get for sure ptsd that will end up with her suicide.So i am asking for your help because i think you are my last resort . Therapy is not working and also taking sertraline is useless to me , i count on you I need your help",Depression +25406,Hello! Anyone available to talk about stuff? Yo,Suicidal +25407,"These past few days have made me learn a lot about myself. I have ADHD. I do not appreciate a lot that I have. Both of those things put me in a position on Thursday that I should not have been in and got myself fired from a job that was probably the best I will potentially ever have.I have accepted it as I am not going to whine over something that was probably avoidable. But I am at a crossroads at this point. I want to pursue a career that will not pay a lot at first but will in time. But also need to continue paying for life in general i.e. food, bills, car.I screwed myself by letting things get to me and not voicing my opinion. By worrying about other people slacking off and not paying attention to my job. I was not happy there but could have progressed from the benefits of it. I want an opportunity for my specific career choice, and will work for it either way. But, I am just miserable at the moment, and hope this does not sound like a rant.Sorry for length. Being fearful and hopeful is confusing. Just lost a really good job...",Depression +25408,Just a littel about life and stuff :) Someone wanne talk?,Depression +25409,"Is there anyone here who used to have depression, where tbere was no evident reason for it? Raised by good parents, love their siblings, no trauma, yet still had depression, and have you gotten away from it for more then a year at a time? Or currently escaped it?I am looking for insight from people who got away from their depression, how did you do it?I have tried 2 meds so far, and have tried 'mind over mood' type solutions, and nothing seems to workI can get away from mine only for small periods of time, and if I am lucky for a month or so, but i always come back, always in a negative mindset, always questioning if life is worth living. If someone got away from this, even if you do not know how, say something, even a guess as to how you got away from it might help.Sorry for word vomit Question for people who got away from depression",Depression +25410,"Throughout my life I have struggled with both anxiety and depression and I have dealt with suicidal thoughts before but they never went very far, I never had a plan or the will to actually do it. As of the last few months though, they have gotten really bad. Currently I do have a plan, I have written a suicide note and now it is really just a matter of any day being bad enough for me to go through with it. I feel like my life is going nowhere, I am in university struggling, I am working a job that is not what I want to do in life and I feel like my once amazing relationship is on its last legs. I live alone, far away from any family and have no means to visit them. I am alone almost all of the time and I have virtually nobody to spend any time with so I am constantly just in my own head going over how little purpose my life serves. I tried seeing a psychologist because it is covered under my student healthcare but it conflicts with work and I can almost never line up a time that works. I have considered therapy but I cannot afford it and have zero coverage for that. I just do not see a point in trying anymore, I have no future so what is the point of continuing this fight, it is a losing battle. The only thing preventing me from doing it right now is my dogs, if I were to kill myself it would be days, possibly more before anybody thought anything of it. Been spending a lot of time thinking about killing myself",Depression +25411,"I am freaking out I can barely breathe, I cannot calm down or cope I cannot breathe",Suicidal +25412,One is already too fuckn much. People should stop captioning YOLO,Suicidal +25413,so I already applied to amazon but all their shifts are shit kind of just waiting till a good one pops up. other than that I do not really know what to search for. I only have an associate degree and went to a coding boot camp as far as education goes. my depression is at the I do not want to get out of bed stage i need to get out the house that usually fixes me but god damn is it hard. 25 depressed and broke any job ideas that are not retail or amazon warehouse?,Depression +25414,"I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over 7 years now, I have finally made my decision to do it. I do not really want to talk to anyone or why or what happened, I just want to something. I have decided to do it with my car aka Carbon Monoxide poisoning while sitting in my car, but I have a diesel powered Audi from 1994. Is diesel going to do it or I have to buy a cheap old petrol engine vehicle? I want my attempt to be successful. I have made my decision",Suicidal +25415,"I am so fucking jealous of people with families that actually love each other. i could not feel less distant from mine, and i literally live with them. sometimes i hate myself for it and remind myself that when I am older and move out and they are old and dying that I would regret not spending enough time with them .. sometimes i just wished they would die now so i do not need to feel guilty later on .. does that make me a bad person? my mom is bipolar and my most vivid memories of my childhood are visiting her at mental hospitals or watching her have some manic episode. but i love her, so much. she is the only reason i am still alive because i know if i would die that she would go completely insane. whenever i mention moving out or college to her she gets so sad and tells me that i cannot leave her .. once i just joked about going somewhere and for the rest of the day she kept on bringing it up and asking me why i said that and that i can never leave her .. i really wonder what it would be like to have a normal mom she does not do anything like a normal mom would. she does not care that I am visibly depressed, never eat, never go outside, etc .. she does not care. i try to tell her so much, my doctor told her to call a psychrasict.. but she fucking will not because its too expensive and she thinks I am too young to be sad.. I am 16 ..my dad is the same. i feel like i have to literally slit my wrists till they visibly bleed out or try to kill myself so they feel guilty that they did not pick up on all the signs before. my brother is an asshole and people say that trauma brings siblings closer but i feel like i do not even know him. hes a complete stranger to me. i still care about him though because i feel bad for all the shit my dad put him too .. and i wish he cared about me even a little bit but i know he does not. hes so fucking rude to me and my mom, hes physically abusive, and just so god damn annoying. i literally have nobody in here and i feel so fucking lonely all the time. i have like 2 friends but our friendship is broken and they have their own families to keep them comfort. i have nothing and no reason to continue living for. i always talk about how much i want to die .. but i can never do it .. i cut but i cannot just kill myself .. i wish i could, or i wish a car would hit me or id die some really fast way so it can all be over. the thought of death calms me down and whenever i feel stressed about my future or anything .. i tell myself that I will be dead before than so it does not matter .. i can kill myself and all of this will go away and nothing will matter why did i have to be born into this family",Suicidal +25416,"I posted this before butNow I am really fed up with it. The last time I was angry, now I am just spiteful. Hateful. ""You will get through it"", ""you will get stronger"", ""you will see it is going to be ok"". Yeah? Well maybe I am tired of always getting through shit. Maybe I am done always overpowerering shit. Maybe for once I want a thing that I actually care about to go right. I have so... (idk what is the word?) un-many things that I care about left, and even those always go wring for me. Always. No matter what I do. Yeah looking back 10 years later and saying ""damn I really got over it"" is cool. But you know what other kind of cool I would like to experiment for once in my life? Enjoying the actual thing, not just fucking it up and then getting over it. Maybe in 10 years I want to laugh because I actually did the thing, because I lived it and I enjoyed it. I want to laugh at the memories, not smile because I accepted failure, consciously buried that thing deep inside and moved on. Bottom line is, I just wish for things that I actually care about to go right at least once in a while, and actually enjoy life, not just accumulate experience and regret over the years. I want to live while I am young. Is that too much to ask for? Is it really that much? I am sick and tired of ""life experience"" and always ""getting through things""",Suicidal +25417,"Maybe some of you can function alone but i cannot so please dot hit me with, it is not so bad alone. If that is your thought process jump into a volcano. But I am completely alone day in day out and j have been for years. It hurts so much crying myself to sleep every night. And no one actually gives a fuck and I think that is always salt on the wound. I want to be loved like everyone else so much. But I am not. No one will ever. No one ever thinks twice about me. Maybe I should do myself the favor and finally get it over with instead of just feeling awful every moment I am conscious. Life's not worth it alone.",Suicidal +25418,I am 15f and I have already told my mum I wanted to kill myself like a year ago surprised I did not but now I want to again I am not going to go into detail but I have nothing stopping me for one final cry for help I was going to tell my therapist that I am suicidal. I was wondering if she is just going to tell my mum and that is the end of it and nothing happens or does she actually have to call the crisis helpline and get me help because this really is my last chance and if this does not work I will kill myself. Please help Can my therapist send me to a psychiatric hospital?,Suicidal +25419,"None of my friends have reminded my friends after I have shifted, despite my efforts to keep in touch none of them reciprocated. And now that I have made it big they want a return into my life. Makes me feel awful. I lost most of hair at the age 20. It made me super self conscious, and very nervous. I started avoiding meeting new people or going out in general. I think its been more than 3 years since I have taken any picture of myself. As I have grown older and more aware of my surroundings, I have realised the amount of physical abuse my parents have done on me and continue to do on me. It makes me think that I can trust no one. I have suffered from heart break that I cannot seem to get over, and its affecting my future relationships. I think I have been depressed most of my young adult life",Depression +25420,"I fucking hate myself. I do not know myself at all. I cannot relate to anything. I am a stranger on the outside world, even from myself. I want to die I cannot do this:)",Depression +25421,"I really feel like death is close. Sometimes I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to be dead right now, then I think about how fragile life is and how easily I could be dead right now but I am not, it all freaks me out. And then I also think Id be better off dead and wonder what is taking death so long to visit me. Just put me out of misery already please. I have been thinking a lot about death",Depression +25422,"Recently I feel as if a lot of stuff in my life has gone to shit. I am a student pilot and recently the Aviation Authority of my country (basically the FAA for reference) has stopped me from flying due to me needing some extra tests done in order to get my class 1 medical. I fully understand their reasoning but this sudden set back after almost 3 months of consistent flying has hit me hard. At the rate it is taking to organise all of these tests I will be lucky to start flying again in August, that is the best case scenario if they do not need anything else to be done. Flying is probably the most enjoyable thing I have ever done and I really want to make a career out of it, but this whole medical shit has turned me off at the moment. I try to go on a simulator or game to try and practice but I give up before I have even done anything. All of this has not only effected my flying, but just my general attitude towards everything. I do not have a desire to work anymore, I barely want to go out (luckily my friends are supportive and help me out a lot), I procrastinate 10000x more than I used to. it is just shit. It does not help thst this girl I am trying to talk to as well does not seem interested in anything so I guess I have to add that to my list of crap. I know I might sound ungrateful considering I have even had the chance to be able to fly in the first place but I am sure you can understand how it feel to all of a sudden be completely restricted from doing what you love, no matter what it is. I just needed to vent, appreciate any support. Not finding much enjoyment in what I used to love doing",Depression +25423,"I have always been prone to catastrophizing and only ever anticipating the worst. Last year, I had attempted suicide and wound up in a coma for two days. But lately, I have been feeling like I cannot understand why I would do that. I am excited about where life can take me and when I deal with something tough I feel this trust that it will resolve itself. I have been raised within a fundamental Christian household and been taught that only people with faith can achieve such a mindset and religion has always made me unhappy and that inadvertently felt guilt for that. I was in an unhealthy relationship back then and I felt like I really did not know who I was outside of that relationship. I have always wanted that mans validation and he dumped I remember hurting but since that relationship ended I have been making connections that have made me feel whole and I have come to accept that people come and go and I am completely okay with that. It felt like the past years have been completely traumatic and strangely enough I have been thinking about changing my name because I feel like my birth name is loaded with so much trauma I want treat that person like its someone else. I have been feeling this way more recently, I do not want my trauma to influence my decision, I just want to experience life as a new person. Is it optimism or denial",Depression +25424,"that is no way to live, I am hurt you should not have to think about killing yourself everyday",Suicidal +25425,I am sick of being part of every ones problemIm tired of not being enoughtIm broken insideAnd cannot fix my life&#x200B;Sometimes i wonder if i did the right thingSometimes i think everything would be betterIf i just stayed dead in the bedDidnt come back to life&#x200B;The truth is i cannot fell happinessThe truth is i only feel painThe truth is i cannot take it anymoreThe truth is my head cannot take it anymore&#x200B;I looked for helpI took all the medicineMade me feel even worseI have tried for months&#x200B;My heart is sinking every minute that passI already hit the bottomIm already drowningI cannot see the light anymore&#x200B;I am just seeing the time pass byIm just seeing my light fading awayi wonder how much time i can hold onHold on to this broken life full of regrets&#x200B;I have tried to changeI have tried to be strongI have tried to heal my woundsI have tried...&#x200B;But in the end was in vainIn the end it was for nothingIn the end i am the problemAnd i cannot take this anymore I tried... and now I am tired...,Depression +25426,"Told a bunch of my friends, messed around with a guy at one point, so disgusted with myself. I feel like most girls would be disgusted if they knew and I feel like my friends that know are avoiding me. I had a great shot at life and I fucked it up. How am I supposed to move on? Thought I was bi, realized I was just perverted. Feeling pretty hopeless.",Depression +25427,"what is the point of trying and struggling if you are bound to fail? If you are a loser like me who has had everything handed to him by his parents and who is an absolute failure? If there is always millions of people better than you who can always succeed? what is the point of striving or anything? Everyone works to have a wife or family or a house but I do not want any of that--so what is the point? Why work and slog and make money in my 20s so I am wealthy in my 30s and 40s and have wasted my ""youth?"" but then again what is the point if I am not attractive and famous? I am stuck in a rut where the only thing worthwhile is fame and being attractive and everything else is worthless. what is the point if I am not hot and just waste my life working for stability--sure I could work in my respective field and maybe make a 130k a year but why if it does not bring anything to me? Joy, clout, women, friends, parties etc. that is all that matters to me anymore and if you are not one of those lucky, beautiful, happy people then life is worthless. Life is a big nothing, but its a bigger nothing for some than others. Only the beautiful and shallow are happy and lucky. Anyone who pursues knowledge or science, technology, learning etc only does so out of resentment and an inability to have social pleasure. Just ask any coder or Engineer. it is hard to see a point",Depression +25428,How long does it take to kill you? Is 40 pills of panadol enough to kill you?,Suicidal +25429,"I have only looked at this sub for 15 minutes and it already looks very saddening. I sincerely wish everybody down from the bottom of my heart a better life and some decency to help you heal in whatever pain you are feeling right now. No human deserves to go through uninherited and undeserving pain; I can only hope but I also give my well wishes, safe health whether that be mentally or physically, and I hope you guys have a better day wherever you may be. Read Plz",Suicidal +25430,"I feel all the symptoms of depression, I was told that I had depression by two separate psychologists and I feel this empty void inside me. I have thought of suicide multiple times, with methods and have honestly almost went through with it many times (I had a failed attempt in the past). However, regardless of all these signs, I am trying to convince myself that I am fine by telling myself that I am attention seeking, pitying myself and dramatising sad feelings that are not that intense. I want to know if I am actually depressed or am I subconsciously faking it.What are your opinions? Am I really depressed?",Depression +25431,"Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this. I am currently in a deep depression and incredibly frustrated with my life at home. I have had some (what I would consider) very mild depressive states in the past, but I am the lowest I have ever been now. I do not have thoughts of suicide or harm or anything like that, but I am uncomfortable that I have been feeling worse, because it gets dark, and it scares me that my mind can go in that direction. I met a woman back in 2015. We hit it off and fell in love with each other. Spent 6 months doing a long-distance relationship (4 hours away), and ended up getting married in 2017. For those few years, we were so physical with each other, and not in a sexual way. We were always clinging to each other, holding hands, etc. We loved to be right next to each other. For sex, this was a big and different subject for my wife. She has always had either pain or sexual trauma. She has Vulvodynia, which is chronic pain or discomfort around the vulva. she is gone through surgeries, doctors, therapists, and all that to try to have an enjoyable, pleasurable sexual experience. At the beginning of our relationship, we had sex probably 1-2 times a week, and while it was not nearly as positive of an experience for her, she did it for me out of love. And I could tell she wanted to do it for me. I should point out, at this time, I did not realize what this was doing to her. (More on that later). My wife opened up to me about what she has gone through to try to just have an ounce of pleasure in sex. It was not always painful, but it was an event that she never looked forward to, nor should she. When she first told me about this, my immediate reaction was to be supportive of her. No, I do not understand it all, but I wanted to work with her to get better. she is taking the effort and time to do this for me every week, how can I make it so she gets something out of this. If she could even feel 10% of what I feel during sex, she would be amazed. The kind of boyfriends she has had in the past did nothing to help her, and sex became very forced, and that obviously led to a ton of negative experiences. We got pregnant in 2018, and as soon as the baby was born, things got worse between us. This was actually expected and normal, we learned. But we have never recovered. That physical level we were at had quickly dropped all the way down. My attitude and treatment toward her admittedly declined as well, and vice versa to be honest. We put all our energy into the baby and would drop each other completely. We gave 100% to baby and 0 to each other. As you might expect, physical touch became almost non-existent, sex started to become even more of a chore, and any sexual experiences again started to become more forced for her. Like she was only doing it to get it done. It was still for me, but now she was counting down the seconds until it was over. So, the sex we were having was not much fun for anyone. Yes, I enjoyed it, but at the same time, I am performing an act I highly enjoy, but my partner wanted nothing to do with it. I even stopped a few times mid-sex because she was just lying there telling me to just hurry up and finish. Without her willingness to be involved, it was not worth having for me. I felt guilty, selfish, hurt, and many other emotions. And it began to feel that way week after week. She would dread the weekend because she knew I would ask for sex, and she would also start to feel guilty for not giving it to me. This whole situation was just so tough as it was incredibly unhealthy and bad for both of us. I kept being supportive of the sexual issues. We started seeing a special therapist as a couple, one that was familiar with everything she has gone through. We spent a lot of time refocusing on each other, and even went back to fundamentals (hand-holding, small moments of physical touch). We really dug in and attempted all of the exercises. We saw this therapist for about 15 months. Still, not much progress. We were becoming further apart, and my wife did not even want to touch me. The slightest of touch (non-sexual) made her cringe, made her anxious. Ya know, and suddenly I feel like the past boyfriends that were just using her, while I was honestly trying to help. In a recent session with the therapist, we came to the realization that my wife is actually asexual... we have never considered that before, but it makes so much sense. She has never once enjoyed or felt pleasure from sex, and she could gladly go through life without it ever again. As you might guess, this is where that depression kicked in. The woman I chose to marry and have a child with is asexual. And I will say, I am proud and happy that we found this out. it is honestly been a relief for her (and me) because there actually is not anything to fix. The pain, the mental anguish, physical discomfort -- it actually had nothing to do with her trauma/experiences. She has felt better about herself and has a freeing feeling that this is just her orientation and that nothing is wrong with her.That leaves us with a brutal decision. Am I willing to live a life without sex and that amount of physical touch that I want? Or is she willing to do it for me? That question has had us living together basically as roommates. we are not happy day-to-day, and we want each other to be happy, but we are both so afraid to get out of this. Our 2-year-old is keeping us together tbh.I did not realize how much I craved that physical touch in a relationship. I found that it is imperative for me to have that as it is how I feel loved. And I have not felt loved by her in about 2 years. We say we love each other, and I think we both do, but this issue is not about love. We both care deeply for each other and we are just dragging each other through in hopes that there is a perfect solution. As a last-ditch effort, my wife has agreed to open the marriage and allow me to seek what I need outside of it. For some men, this is probably a dream. But I feel so awful to think of doing it. At the same time, oh man, do I desperately want someone to provide me with that physical and sexual part. So, I have been looking but have not actually done anything yet. Talked to a few people, but am really hesitant to carry through with anything. I wake up and am immediately miserable. And that impacts both my wife and daughter I am sure. I have a hard time being communicative with my wife, smiling, being positive. it is almost as if I despise her, or hate her, for making me feel sexually and physically abandoned. And that is not fair to say, and this is not her fault, but I have trouble pouring everything I have into a relationship where I know my standards are not going to be met. So I am stuck. I split, and I will lose time with my daughter. My wife will, too. I stay, and it is a toxic, unwanted environment. I am continuing to look for another woman, but I do not even know what for. It was initially just for sex, but honestly, I would not mind an actual relationship with someone else. I think it is important that I do what is best for myself. And whatever makes me happy, I should do that. I want to cry every day because I know going in that direction is going to destroy my wife. And me, too. If you made it this far, thank you. I do not know what I am looking for here but felt nice to get this out there. I am seeing my own therapist and hopefully, time will help. I am so sorry for anyone that has felt anything even remotely close to this. P.S. If there is a better place to post, let me know. Deep Depression & Feeling Physically and Sexually Abandoned",Depression +25432,Does Vyvanse and/or adderall work for depression?I tried ritalin for 6 weeks until it stopped working due to tolerance.Would the same happen with Vyvanse?And does taking weekend breaks help? Vyvanse for depression?,Depression +25433,"I am sitting here, about to kill myself silently but I feel the need to tell someone before I go. So now here I am. But why am I like this? I do not want the people I care about to know but I feel like I have to tell someone if that makes sense? I am not thinking straight so I cannot understand. And I likely will not be able to respond to anyone as my phone will die just before me? What is wrong with me? Why am I so attention seeking?",Suicidal +25434,"I blame my weight. If I was not so repulsive to look at, maybe Id stand a chance. I am not saying that all fat people are repulsive. I just hate my body.As a 55 woman who weights (at least) 16 stone, I feel undeserving of love and happiness. I do not eat more than 1,000 calories a day. I refuse to, for fear that Ill gain weight. I am also fairly active. If I am feeling really fat, Ill starve myself for as long as I can during the day. Then, Ill binge eat whatever shit I can find at night.To make things worse, I suffer with PCOS along with a few mental health conditions.I am sorry for not being enough for you. For anybody. I am sorry for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, attractive enough. I am sorry for existing. I am sorry for making people cringe at the mere sight of me. I am sorry, okay? I am sorry. Worthless. [22F]",Suicidal +25435,"I already have one, binge eating, it usually happens when i feel a lot bad just to hurt myself or to feel something.Now she is basically saying i should eat only once at day and i should weight myself constantly as she almost always do. I feel like shit now about myself even more. My mother is promoting to me an eating disorder and makes me feel more like shit lol.",Depression +25436,As you heard it.He knew that I hated his girlfriend. He knew that she gave me anxiety.He knew that I had taken an entire bottle of pills.He knew everything.He did not even care enough to get me to a hospital.He did not care enough to tell his girlfriend not to come over.He did not care at all. My dad knew I had overdosed and was probably going to die. You know what he did? He went to the movies with his girlfriend and her daughters.,Depression +25437,"I am so broken. Everything hurts. I am sorry. Wish death would come to me, and that I do not have to go to it.",Suicidal +25438,"I do not feel anything anymore asides from absolute hatred, resentment, disappointment, and anger. I am so hateful and so disgusting, I literally hate and despise and devalue everyone and everything--including myself. I constantly feel slighted and worthless and in return I hate everything I see. I am so horrible and cruel and all I delight anymore is in bringing people down and making them feel like shit. I hate going outside because invariably something happens where someone ridicules or thinks I am worthless, and I hate people because I know they think I am worthless and am a loser. The only recompense I have is wealth and so-called ""Good education"" (top 5 college) but what the fuck does it count for when I am so miserable and hateful? When I see other people on social media I just get angry and hateful and want them to feel terrible--so sometimes I will comment sly, nasty things that really gets to them--usually my abundance of money and their lack. But I would give up all my money and privilege to be happy. I just hate so fucking much and want everyone to suffer or feel like mud--the same way I see and despise myself I am filled only with hatred, anger, and self-loathing",Depression +25439,"I blame my weight. If I was not so repulsive to look at, maybe Id stand a chance. I am not saying that all fat people are repulsive. I just hate my body.As a 55 woman who weights (at least) 16 stone, I feel undeserving of love and happiness. I do not eat more than 1,000 calories a day. I refuse to, for fear that Ill gain weight. I am also fairly active. If I am feeling really fat, Ill starve myself for as long as I can handle during the day. Then Ill binge eat whatever shit I can find at night.To make things worse, I suffer from PCOS along with a few mental health conditions.I am sorry for not being enough for you. Nobody wants to date me. [22F]",Depression +25440,I am not going into detales I KEEP CLICKING ON REALLY FUCKED UP DISTURBING PORN AND IT MAKES ME WASENT TO HURT MYSELF PLEASE HELP,Suicidal +25441,"I have said this a million times over, but i wish i was skinnyother people have it so much worse than i do, they are adults that have been through actual traumaand I am just a stupid fucking 17 year old who is too scared to kill herself. and the reason she wants to kill herself is because she is fat and uglyamong other things...i really wish i could relate to the people who are victims because I am definitely not one of any kindive hurt so many people in my life, I have said hurtful things, I am always the toxic one/manipulator in everyone is storyi just want to feel safe, but i do not think anyone wants to protect the villains of the worldi probably sound delusional as fuck, but whatever, blame it on the BPDi do not even want to die, i just want to escape and run away. i just want to be skinny and small and innocent, not this huge fat hag, who looks 30 at the age of 17fuck my life I am so sick of being ugly and useless",Suicidal +25442,"My depression and anxiety have become all-consuming at this point. I wake up feeling heavy, and with this feeling of having a massive weight on my chest. It takes me hours to get out of bed, and even when I do the nausea that follows it can be pretty bad.I have been doing weekly therapy for six months, and I still feel like its getting worse. I used to talk to my SO about this, but I feel like a burden and do not want to her to think that this is all I am now. I have had bad side effects to all anti-depressant medication I have tried so there is not much I can do on that side. I feel like I am losing this battle day by day, and the intrusive thoughts are just getting worse. I do not know what else to try. I want to stop feeling like such a failure, but that is difficult when all I want to do is hide. It was not always this bad, and that is what keeps me going. But that little bit of hope is getting harder to listen to. It is getting harder and harder to wake up every morning",Depression +25443,"In the animal kingdom, animals are vital, healthy, fit, and I am going to this creates the neurochemistry of happiness.there is the beauty of life, the happiness, the joy, and also there is the brutal aspect of it.I think that the brutal aspect is completely interrelated an interdependable with the bright side of life.The fact that animals are left to forage their food by their own makes them move their body, they evolved for it, they do sports without intending to do so, its just their movement. We designed a world in which we have to use our will to exercise, when its much easier if its part of our lives.Also we expect things from others, these puts us in a very odd position, animals in nature do not expect anything from anyone, they cannot whine about life to someone so they solve their problems, therefore they do not feel victimized and all that shit.This brutality is what keeps the balance, and believe me, when the balance is off, suffering begins to creep in, in the beginning as simply something that bothers, and in the long run it can be unbearable pain.I think that just like animals die in nature, prematurely, humans should have some sort of filter. I think that we should not stigmatize death, we should see how it really is something that shapes the world and makes it better in a way. I think that we should not fear death like a prey running from it, nor chase life to the very end as if we were a proud lion chasing prestige, we should be the intelligent beings that we are and simply feel nothing, neither abhor death nor adore life, we should simply see death as an option, a viable option, like abortion but with extra steps and due process. We have to conceive a reality where parting from this life is a normal thing. I think many people would do it if it was not stigmatized, and much suffering be relieved. There are reasons to celebrate death and lament life, its not always the other way round. Life can get very painful to the point that dying really could be an option.",Suicidal +25444,My dad is talking about pre teen suicide with a bunch of smart people and um- I am *definitely* not suicidal. He does not know about the several times I have attempted suicide They should have made me a test subject This is not awkward at all!,Suicidal +25445,"Hi. I am 26 men. Iv been struggling with depression since I remember. Some years were better, some worse. In last 3 years it definitely got worse. I finally admitted that I have depression in front of myself and my friends/family. Everyone was not believing because I am funny and always willing to help anyone, the reason why I always act like I am happy is because I wish nobody suffer as I do. Few days ago I broke with my boyfriend because I felt like it dragging me down, he was not changing since we met (6years ago). Notorious quarrels, his alcoholism and other shyt. He is good but but I felt like I am in cage that I could not escape. In few days I moving on my own but I do not think anything will change. My monthly income is very small, althou its above minimum in my country, all I can pay is my apartment and only 1/3 of it will left for food and basic needs. Month ago I opened in my work by accident. Met fantastic person who have veeery similar hobbies. He listens heavy metal, plays on guitar, was vocalist in a band. I got inpiration and also bought guitar, start screaming under shower (fry scream - this kind of Metal scream many might consider only yells). It bring some relief for a second. After a month, when I already thought I learnt enough, I start loosing attention to it. Its not like I going to drop it, I just cannot force myself althou I love doing it. I always struggled to find a hobby because I lose interest very easily, not because I am bad at something, just getting bored quickly. I wanted be vocalist, biologist, programmist, write books, therapist (yup, mental disorders etc but how can I help others if need help). I liked gaming. It saved me at my early 20s. I could think of anything else thas not depressive because games took my thoughts out of it. Not for long. In last years I spoted playing because my friends found new jobs, gfs, moved to other countries. Now I am quite alone. I rarely speak with others outside my job. Yeaterday when I was searching for new heavy metal songs, popular monster - falling in reverse pop up. It hit me so hard that Iv been crying over and over and over and could not stop. I cannot help it. Do I have suicidal thoughts? Kind of yes. I rather think of something like would be nice if I die by accident, I would not mind it, but I hope I will not feel pain because I my whole life is big pain in the azz. Man, life is so pointless. I have no idea how people can NOT be depressed. I just wonders how they do it. What force them to live another day, another 8h in work. I wish I could think of any cure but there is non that can work 24/7. Love, hobbies, partys on the weekend will not make it for long. Eventually everything gets blurry, repetitive and boring. Quote from Popular monster: I wake up every morning with my head up in a dazeI'm not sure if I should say this, fuck, I will say it anywayEverybody tries to tell me that I am going through a phaseI do not know if it is a phase, I just want to feel okay, yeahI hope you all doing well, at least better than me. Think of possitives if possible, that will aid abit. I know many people would feel the same but I want to tell my story",Depression +25446,"Here i am , studying uni st my house, wif a majir i 'm not that fond of and my lecturer sucks too... I am fully aware that reincarnate is a pseudoscience & it cannot gurantee you a better life unless you reincarnate wif yr current memories.But somehow, i have times when i wanted to believe that i can reincarnate when i died. To a place where I am happier...without this shitty pandemic as well as the useless me...Staying alive is so hard for me... if only we can choose to death in a hospital such as in Switzerland, that would be awesome... How to stop thinking of reincarnate to get out of this shitty life I have been for 19 yrs",Suicidal +25447,I am so tired Someone comment please,Suicidal +25448,"Just to make it clear, I am not going to divulge anything about me personally. I do not feel that comfortable, I am really no looking for validation and I just someone to talk to that will not give me the most vapid and condensing answer. Will it help me? Obviously you do not know and I do not expect anyone to be nobody has any insight on my life. But here is what I am personally feeling and experiencing.-no one takes me seriously and when they do it is disproportionate to what happened, what I did or what the grand scheme of the situation is.-I get interrupted so often and so violently that I just feel isolated and completely rejected on such a level I cannot even begin to describe.-I rarely stand up for myself or say anything because I have had such viscerally aggressive responses from my family and terrible people in my life that I fear some random stranger will do the same and I deserve it in some way.-I have very little desire to be around anyone I know. I genuinely want to live peacefully by myself.....in a fucking cave or something. Just....not have a contact with everyone I know ever again-I feel that I am not entitled to expressing myself, what I want or how I feel because throughout my life I have been gaslit, ""lectured"" and yelled at for doing so for the most basic and simple reason. (I know it is sounds one sided and really like you should not care but I swear to God I was grounded for saying that I was sad just because I really did not feel happy about something, I was not rude or anything)-I feel like I have been punished for having been born the way I am. I feel like I have wasted me life with everyone I know",Depression +25449,"can anxiety because 24/7 confusion? confused, intrusive thoughts. I am afraid of dementia. I have chronic anxiety, panic, hipochondriac, etc Anxiety and confusion",Depression +25450,"My whole life I have been super shy. I still can barely even talk to some of my family members. I cannot hold a conversation with anyone, and I do not have anyone to talk to. Every girl I have talked to has said I am too nice, and the only girlfriend I ever had was out of pity because I am too nice to reject someone. I did not even like her that much. Every time I have hope it gets flushed down the toilet along with my very little energy I have left. I work all the time and have no friends to occupy my free time with. I do not feel like a person anymore all I do is work and sleep, and there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried improving myself, but I do not know how. I have been hurt too many times by other people I was nice to. I feel like if I improve myself someone will figure out how to take it away again. I do not even know what is wrong with myself. (M19)",Depression +25451,"I am not really in the mood to list the million and one reasons as to why my life is considerably worse than everyone is else's, because it is not. I am just kind of fucked up.Does anyone know how to acquire positive outlet of emotions and feelings other than just sitting and letting them consume me?I am not quite suicidal yet but I fantasize about death quite often and do not want to be suicidal because I have been suicidal before and it was not pretty. It does not help that there is not much for me to look forward to or work towards, but I just want something to help me hold on for now, something that makes me feel a bit better. Maybe some sort of purpose. I feel so empty.",Suicidal +25452,"What the title says. Gosh I do not even know what specifically it is I am excited about, but I just wanted to share!! I have missed this feeling for so so long and to feel it again is beyond wonderful :) I am feeling excited again",Depression +25453,"I am not depressed, but I have a younger brother who I feel is very depressed and not getting any help. To give you a little of his story. He is 48 years old and still lives at home with his mother and step father. Its a toxic situation. She is way too involved in his life, because he has a history of making some bad decisions. He acts like a sullen teenager always lying to her and asking her to stay out of his life. He does not make a lot of money and he is currently paying medical bills and credit card debt, but when he was not in debt he still showed no ability/real desire to move out. He has co workers he is close to and invites over to my house (I have a pool). He has asked me to NOT mention that he lives with his mother. I honestly have no idea what he tells people since this small group seem to spend time bouncing from each others homes for BBQs and hanging out. Physically he is in a lot of pain. He is morbidly obese, and has lower back, knee and ankle pain. He is going in for surgery on his ankles which will increase his medical debt. In the past no matter how hard his life was, he always had a smile and a joke. Now his humor is dark, he says things about hoping our mother would just die (she are not going nowhere for at least another 20 years I am betting). Anyway, poor health, no money, living at home. We think he needs a WIN. Something to help him get momentum and we are trying but he ignores all help. We suggested he talk to a professional and he says his insurance pays for 5 visits and then its all billed for him and he cannot afford it. We offer to pay for him, but he refuses the help. He has 4 brothers and we all struggle with things, I have a great job, but I am 50 lbs overweight, 2 other brothers struggle with weight loss and health issues that affect them. So its not like we are all doing so great that he feels he cannot connect with us, but we all have gotten our work lives sorted at this point and all have jobs that help us thrive, where he has one that only helps him get by. We are thinking of doing an intervention, but he is so defensive and private that we are not sure if it will go well or do any good. Thoughts? Does an Intervention work for Depression?",Depression +25454,"I have never had a good relationship with my mental health.Well, when I was very little I suppose things were ok but as I grew up things went downhill, I cannot recall a single moment when things went up even a little bit. The worst part is that overall I do not have a bad life, except for a few bumps in the road I do not think I was ever traumatized or ever went through any incident that made me the messed up person i became, and I have tried to pin point anything I could as the moment when things just started to go to shit but there is nothing, its like I was just always meant to end up like this, it was somehow a natural progression.Somehow everything has lead up to this: me, at 19 years of age, having meltdowns, that make me cry to hard my eyes sting and I get headaches after, every other day for weeks because I just want to die so badly. I never told my family about it, I did not want things between us to change specially because I have never really open to them about honestly anything in my life. Half the time I am convinced they do not even know me as a person. Ever since the ending of last year I have been stagnant with my college work and have been failing friends who were doing projects with me really bad, my mental health has gone down the drain and the only time I could possibly compare it to would be Highschool when I did attempt to end my life, albeit in a very stupid way and that I honestly think I sabotaged myself. But now its different because back then I did not even realize how sick I was, now tho? I have asked for almost a month and a half for my parents to take me to a therapist, day after day asking them about it I am almost begging them at this point because I can see how rotten my head is becoming and idk what to do. Idk what I can do. I have had another meltdown this morning because I spent the entire night up anxious because I cannot bring myself to finish any small task I have been given from the projects I am in and then the suicidal thoughts came into the mix, I kept asking myself why they cannot just make the appointment I have been insisting on for so many weeks now and there is no answer because I do not fucking know. My head keeps going over the same point and has been for years: why tf am I still alive when there is nothing for me to live for?I cannot bring myself to think of even one thing worth living for. I love my family and my friends but dedicating an entire life to holding on just to not hurt them is no way to live. I am a selfish asshole sure but how can anyone look at me and tell me i got to live for the sake of others? If it were that easy I would have just done everything everyone ever expected of me, I would have gone to med school to please my parents or whatever the fuck else they wanted from me.I keep asking myself what else is there of good in the world, what can I look out for? And i come up empty because no matter how nice something is, in my head a lifetime of this distress is nor worth some occasional happy moments here and there. I do not have a plan and i do not think I am going to attempt anything but i just feel so terrible, its like a part of me keeps poking me into considering it and I cannot stop going over those thoughts no matter what I try, I am just hopeless at this point, and I have nowhere else to turn to.Sorry for the long post. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +25455,"I go through days where I am very depressed and others just normal, but it is becoming more frequent that I am depressed for days.I do not believe talking about problems helps so not sure why I am positing this. But I am so stressed and overwhelmed I am 24 I am way in over my head at work and cannot really do anything about it I am supporting my mom who recently had a mental and emotional breakdown because her brother and mom committed suicide in our house, so we moved to be with family who are amazing but I feel like even though we are family it will always be sort of family if that makes sense, I have no dating prospects due to mainly the fact I support my mom have a dinky small mobile home among other reasons which sadly meeting someone is my dream and I would be just amazing but oh well. I am overweight and cannot seem to keep motivated long enough to actually make a difference, cannot do the one thing I have always wanted to do which is to travel, hell I cannot even kill myself because I have too many responsibilities. No close friends just some I see every once in a while to hike. No self esteem in what I do. Anyways there is my rant. Off and on depression",Depression +25456,"Wendy Orlean said that taking your own life is ""a fundamental right that anyone in a free society should have."" Ever since I have read that it has been stuck with me. I do not think I am depressed. I am 17 and have thought about taking my own life for a while; strangely not in a depressing way but a calming one. It brings me peace to know that I can leave this world whenever I want. I have attempted suicide. Failing it was the most embarrassing thing. I was certain I would be gone forever, so waking up in the hospital shocked me with nothing but hopelessness. I was not happy to be alive like those who regretted their suicide attempts were. Why? Humanity has really failed me. At 6 years old I was molested by this family friend, he would have been in his 20s. This continued till I was 12, so for 6 years I was molested and it is the only memories I have from early childhood. He would pin me down on the bed, lock the door, cover my mouth when I screamed, bruise me. My mum knew but she let it happen. (do not worry I already gave the police my statement early this year). She would tell me it was because I wore shorts. She would say he was just playing with me. She would warn me not to go upstairs alone but I did not understand why and so when I did she made me feel it was my fault. I was 10 then. He has a child now. I know, but I told the police at least? I feel abnormal. Like I am less human, out of touch with everyone else. No one took my trauma seriously when I told friends. ""you are being dramatic,"" ""You sound jealous,"" ""Not everything is about your problems."" Confirming my abnormalness. I have gotten help, anti-depressants, therapy, turning to the big guy, and the law of attraction. Grades, art, music, books, movies, boyfriends. They have been a good distraction but I have really had enough. I want to leave this world. I just want to rest in peace. So...help? How do I tell my friends in a non-scary way that I have decided I want an out on this world? That it is something I have thought about ever since I was 12. That this decision is very clear in my mind. I know I am young and I have not experienced the world, like travelling and all that adult stuff but I do not want that. I want to disappear from Earth. I am planning to do it in a few months when high school finishes and everyone has taken their exams. Maybe the holiday after High School finishes so no one from school knows? (I have no social media, I am pretty much invisible). I am aware of how selfish I am/sound and I apologise. It took a lot of being selfless to get to this. Help?",Suicidal +25457,"So I am here because I do not think I have ever felt this thing that people call joy.I have never felt any kind of emotional pleasure, per se. I have felt varying degrees of unpleasant emotions from unbearable to neutral, but it has never gone over the neutral line. This thing I have been calling ""happiness"" all my life is just temporary relief from the unpleasant emotions. The only pleasure I experienced was physical --- basically massages and orgasms -- but even those do not feel as pleasurable as they used to.I think I have a mental illness in which my brain puts itself in a constant state of emotional distress. I have been getting medical and therapeutic intervention for over 10 years but my condition has never improved. In fact it is been on a gradual, steady decline.Yet I am still here for some reason. Even though I do not want to be. Is happiness even a thing?",Suicidal +25458,Just cut to deep fuck Ah,Suicidal +25459,"*Thank you to the moderators of* r/depression *for allowing me to post here!* I am part of a team of researchers at New York State Psychiatric Institute/Columbia University who are currently recruiting participants for a research study looking at an investigational treatment for self-injury called transcranial direct current stimulation, or tDCS. tDCS is a non-invasive, well-tolerated form of brain stimulation that delivers a low current to a specific area of the brain using electrodes. Research has shown that tDCS can help reduce negative emotions and may help treat depression and other conditions.We are seeking individuals between the ages of 18-65 who self-injure (through burning, cutting, or other means). Eligible participants should be staying/living within 60 minutes travel distance of Manhattan (New York, NY, USA) to participate. The study involves completing a baseline psychological assessment, questionnaires and twelve sessions of tDCS during six visits over two weeks. This is a double-blind trial, so you may be randomly assigned to receive an active or an inactive form of tDCS. All research procedures can be done from your own homeno in-person visits are required.Three months of treatment visits with a psychiatrist for medication management will then be offered after AT NO COST to you. Compensation of $150 is provided for time and effort if you are eligible and complete all research procedures.The researchers on this team have no conflicts of interest to declare. All study procedures have been approved by the Institutional Review Board for New York State Psychiatric Institute.Some details about confidentiality and the use of your personal information:\*If you consent to participate in this research, your personal information will be kept confidential and will not be released without your written permission except as described in this section or as required by law. Your name or other identifying information will not be made known if the results of this study are published for scientific purposes.\*\*To make your personal research results not identifiable with you if they are used for publication in the scientific literature and presentation at scientific meetings, we will remove all your identifying information, including name and date of birth.\*\*Questionnaire answers and data collected during the task may be used in future studies, and if shared with other investigators, information that identifies the scan, questionnaire responses, or task data with you will be removed beforehand. There is a potential risk of loss of confidentiality from such data sharing, but this is extremely low as only de-identified data from this study may be shared.\*\*Clinical records, including your name and other personal identifying information, and research data will be kept in secure storage at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. Information in paper format will be kept in locked files. Electronic data will be protected by a firewall (programming that makes it virtually impossible to access the data from outside the New York State Psychiatric Institute) and by restricting access within the New York State Psychiatric Institute through use of a password known only to authorized personnel. If information is transmitted electronically, it will be encrypted so that your identifying information remains confidential\*\*Records will be available to research staff, and to Federal, State, and Institutional regulatory personnel (who may review records as part of routine audits). Your information will also be available to other authorized individuals, including those at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. There are also legal advocacy organizations that have the authority under New York State law to have access to otherwise confidential subject records, although they cannot disclose this information without your consent.\*If you are interested, please contact Ashley at 646-774-7529, or at ashley.yttredahl@nyspi.columbia.edu. More information is also available at you for your time! Treating Self- Injury through Research Study",Depression +25460,"*Thank you to the moderators of* r/SuicideWatch *for allowing me to post here!* I am part of a team of researchers at New York State Psychiatric Institute/Columbia University who are currently recruiting participants for a research study looking at an investigational treatment for self-injury called transcranial direct current stimulation, or tDCS. tDCS is a non-invasive, well-tolerated form of brain stimulation that delivers a low current to a specific area of the brain using electrodes. Research has shown that tDCS can help reduce negative emotions and may help treat depression and other conditions.We are seeking individuals between the ages of 18-65 who self-injure (through burning, cutting, or other means). Eligible participants should be staying/living within 60 minutes travel distance of Manhattan (New York, NY, USA) to participate. The study involves completing a baseline psychological assessment, questionnaires and twelve sessions of tDCS during six visits over two weeks. This is a double-blind trial, so you may be randomly assigned to receive an active or an inactive form of tDCS. All research procedures can be done from your own homeno in-person visits are required.Three months of treatment visits with a psychiatrist for medication management will then be offered after AT NO COST to you. Compensation of $150 is provided for time and effort if you are eligible and complete all research procedures.The researchers on this team have no conflicts of interest to declare. All study procedures have been approved by the Institutional Review Board for New York State Psychiatric Institute.Some details about confidentiality and the use of your personal information:\*If you consent to participate in this research, your personal information will be kept confidential and will not be released without your written permission except as described in this section or as required by law. Your name or other identifying information will not be made known if the results of this study are published for scientific purposes.\*\*To make your personal research results not identifiable with you if they are used for publication in the scientific literature and presentation at scientific meetings, we will remove all your identifying information, including name and date of birth.\*\*Questionnaire answers and data collected during the task may be used in future studies, and if shared with other investigators, information that identifies the scan, questionnaire responses, or task data with you will be removed beforehand. There is a potential risk of loss of confidentiality from such data sharing, but this is extremely low as only de-identified data from this study may be shared.\*\*Clinical records, including your name and other personal identifying information, and research data will be kept in secure storage at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. Information in paper format will be kept in locked files. Electronic data will be protected by a firewall (programming that makes it virtually impossible to access the data from outside the New York State Psychiatric Institute) and by restricting access within the New York State Psychiatric Institute through use of a password known only to authorized personnel. If information is transmitted electronically, it will be encrypted so that your identifying information remains confidential\*\*Records will be available to research staff, and to Federal, State, and Institutional regulatory personnel (who may review records as part of routine audits). Your information will also be available to other authorized individuals, including those at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. There are also legal advocacy organizations that have the authority under New York State law to have access to otherwise confidential subject records, although they cannot disclose this information without your consent.\*If you are interested, please contact Ashley at 646-774-7529, or at ashley.yttredahl@nyspi.columbia.edu. More information is also available at you for your time! Treating Self- Injury through Research Study",Suicidal +25461,"i have been working since 17, I am 18 now and every time i get my really bad balkan 8h/day monthly paycheck my addicted to gambling dad screams and threatens me and takes it and wastes itim sick of it and it just happened today he said he would smack his head and bleed to death when i refused. he just did it so i gave him most of it again and now I am outside please help me reddit the resources here are useless wtf do i do i just left i do not have any money",Suicidal +25462,"When it is really more like being really, really, really bored with everything and anything all the goddamn time. Like you just cannot muster the strength to do anything because it just sounds... boring. Video games sound boring, school sounds boring, work sounds boring, showering sounds boring, literally everything. Laying in bed is boring too but I do not have to do shit except lay there. I hate this feeling because I always know it is when a bout of depression is hitting me. Time to be fucking bored and lonely for the next 6 months I guess. it is weird how media portrays depression as sadness...",Depression +25463,I have so many reasons to live for but damn it is so damn hard too keep going I wake up do the same damn thing every day wake up do my thing all day just excited till it is time to go back to sleep no one else to blame but me for not having anything to do but I do not want to do anything I can barely get the energy to even do things I used to love doing just turning on the TVs so much damn work I am 18 and feel useless as hell not having a job makes me feel so useless but like I said I barely have energy to turn the damn TV on I have literally done the same thing for the past 5 years eat wake up and sleep Sleeps really the only thing I look forward too if I did not have a 2 year old little brother I would not be here rn only thing that keeps me going and honestly if I am still alive in 5 years it will be a miracle I just feel it be so much easier if I was dead like being asleep but damn ik how much it would hurt the people that care about me and my little brother....But I just do not know how much longer i can keep doing this it is just so exhausting waking up Idk how I will be able to get a job if waking up is too much damn work and to top ir all off I am addicted to cutting myself hell yeah life is fucking great ik my life is not even close to being hard compared to other people's but damn I am just tired of life and doing the same thing every day but yet again in too damn lazy to do anything else so who else can I blame but myself.... I just need support idk...,Suicidal +25464,"I do not understand my parents always say that but do not care that they contribute towards making me feel that way by constantly arguing, yelling and my dad sometimes being borderline abusive towards my brother... why would it be selfish to want the pain to stop why does anyone think suicide is selfish i doubt anyone actually does that at the first thought of it so if they actually do it they probably had a lot of second thoughts and doubts its anything but selfish. Why is it not selfish to want me to stay alive while constantly in pain i just want to be free Why is it selfish for me to want to take my life when being alive feels like constant suffering",Depression +25465,"Yeap pretty much it. Figured that if I am gg to self-harm i might as well make full use of my blood to save others I may not want to live but others do, those in chemo may need our plasma Those in accidents need blood too I am just being pragmatic here I just donate blood instead of self-harming If I am gg to loose blood, might as well give it a purpose and help others instead. And so, this Friday would be my second time donating blood. I donate blood instead of self-harming",Suicidal +25466,"I have no immediate plans. Id like to live my life a bit longer... but its clear to me we are not going to reach our climate goals. I do not want to be here for the water wars, mass migration, famine, and death. Id like to die with dignity and I am afraid of guns. I think I want to die from Nitrogen Oxide.",Suicidal +25467,"I have been depressed for a while now and since 2016, it has gotten worse and I have been regularly having suicidal thoughts. Back in 2019, I acted on it and hung myself but chicken'd out after a couple of seconds. Life and my mental health has only gotten much worse since then, I daily have the urge to take my life but since that incident, I have been hesitant and do not know the reason.A part of me wants to fight it and get better but the other part does not, because I have nothing to look forward to do. It has been a constant struggle and it is very tiring. After much consideration, I have decided, it is best that I go through with it.Even as I write this, a part of me wants to get better but Might do it either today or tomorrow.",Depression +25468,"About a year ago I got new neighbors and they are everything I am not and its really done a number on my depression. I am not childless and happy. I am not compatible with my girlfriend at all. there is no sex and when there is its devoid of sexual attraction. I have spent the last 6 years being the most bored, lonely and sexually frustrated I have ever been. My house is a mess and I have officially lost all my hair and all my friends moved away. Meanwhile my neighbors are both extremely attractive. They are constantly working on their yard and enjoying a life of freedom and happiness that I am not allowed to have. They are compatible and look like they have a blast together. Last few weeks they have been building a garden and having nice dinners in a beautiful patio. And today I drove by and noticed they have been building an amazing outdoor movie theater. And that was the straw that broke the camels back. I have not been able to sleep and think about suicide a lot and its all because I keep comparing my life to theirs and see what could have been. Its like they know everything I cannot be in life and they are flaunting it in front of me. I do not want to live another 6 years of a life I am not compatible with. I wish I could be free and make decisions that would make me happy without making life worse. I know these problems are nothing compared to others but how does everyone else here deal with jealousy when it keeps you up at night? How do you people deal with comparing yourself to others?",Depression +25469,How could they troll a suicidal person? I do not understand. I wish people were genuine and honest. I got trolled again,Suicidal +25470,I am still not quite sure if I should tell her how I feel about her because I am worried of ruining the friendship that saved my life. I wish I did not feel this way about her and now I am honestly just frustrated so I had to vent it here. I have started developing feelings for girl who talked me out of suicide,Depression +25471,"I kind of hate earth. I have thought of dying once or twice. I am an overthinker, over dramatic, and I cry myself to sleep every night. While other kids (I am twelve) are thinking of happy things, I think of how I will die, I wish I could die, I basically cry isnide. Almost all my happiness is faked. I am almost always angry or sad. Is this depression? Is it a disorder of any kind? Or is this just how I am? Is there a name for this?",Depression +25472,I recently lost my job and I was already behind on bills. My electricity just got shut off and as I owe them money I cannot get another service up without paying a deposit. I do not have a penny to my name and I do not know what to do. I am done with this place so much and all I want to do is curl up and die. I hate it here and now with this development I have nothing. I am going to lose everything. do not know what to do anymore,Suicidal +25473,"I take trazodone, it does help, but I need something to go with it. I just had a suicidal bout and they always come at some point I am just not happy, I need suggestions to give to my dr, cuz I have not been well in 5/6 years. Its really bringing me to a place I do not want to be What meds do you take",Depression +25474,"I will set the scene a little here to give a little backstory. Two weeks before I found out about my wife I found out that my grandmother has cancer in her bones that has metastasized to several other locations. A week before I found out about it I lost my job at locksmith. It was the first job I have ever had that I looked forward to doing every day. With three days to go before I found out I learned that my uncle who I have been close with my whole life also has late stage cancer of the lung. To top it all off these were the weeks leading up to finals. I logged in to my computer and my wife had left Facebook open. I would normally not snoop but she would been acting very off and I saw she had a new message from two different ex's. that is how I found out that she had cheated on me/was still cheating on me. it is been a month and we still live in the same house. it is been fairly amicable with no lawyers needed. I am absolutely a wreck, I do not know what to do with myself anymore. I have not signed up for another semester of college. The only job I have had was two weeks at an awful manufacturing facility and I could not even make myself stay there. My ex has already started dating again. I just do not know what to do with myself anymore. With that in mind, does anyone have any trip destinations or advice? it is not like I have got anything better to do and I Need to get away from here for awhile. I am in the southeastern US but driving basically anywhere is not a problem and there is always the possibility of flying. I have got a current passport and a couple thousand dollars that I would not mind spending.I do have screen shots for proof if you absolutely need them. Cheating wife divorcing and horrible depression",Depression +25475,Lately I have not been able to stop crying. The waves of sadness are crashing repeatedly. I get struck with the realization that I have no one and how everyone gets tired of me. I am not a constant in other peoples lives. They all just stop bye whenever they please and me being dumb me just accepts it. Sucks not being your favorite persons favorite person. People claim they are busy but busy for weeks? Just do not bother coming back if that is the case. Say goodbye to me. So I do not have to be the one to say it. In the end I have no one but myself. In the end I have no one but myself.,Depression +25476,"I am so tired of hearing this do not give up or it will get better, just give it time. Every day just gets worse, not a single thing makes me feel anymore. I am just empty, even when I am not alone I still feel like everyone looks through me. Everyone wants me to be something for them, a role in their life, but when I need anything I have to figure it out on my own. I cannot make friends no matter how much I try to relate to people. I am sick of being here. I am sick of trying and waiting for things to be different. I am tired of seeing a therapist and getting nothing out of it but some one I feel like I have to pay just to listen to me ramble for an hour every two weeks. Its easy to tell people not to give up",Depression +25477,"I just do not see a point anymore. I am tired I am done. I know people have it worse off than I do so I feel fucking selfish even saying any of this. My mental health has only gotten worse over time and I have managed to trick myself it got better for a bit. Well it did get better initially. Until i realized completely I had got taken advantage of. I grew up in an emotionally absent/abusive home. My mother still guilt trips me even though I have moved out. she is the reason why I have developed what I am pretty sure is an eating disorder, if not that its at least disordered eating. I am not offically diagnosed. I am not insured either right now so i cannot even get help for anything, I am too fucking broke. But I stopped being receptive to therapy anyways the last few times i went so i do not even know if there is a point. I do not hate my job completely, i mostly hate the patients i interact with. I am just overworked more than anything. I have thought about stealing and overdosing on meds from my job but, 1. If i live then that will end me in jail time 2. My manager has treated me so much better here than my last job(there is separate management that makes schedules). So I am not going to do that. I have annoyed all my friends because i cannot ""get over it"" but its like if i try to heal then. what is the first fucking step to healing. I am just exhausted. I just want want it to fucking stop. The only thing keeping me here is I have not found a way that will mostly gurantee I will be dead.",Suicidal +25478,I am 17 i have schizoaffective disorder depressive type. I have been going to therapy for it since i was 12. I have been put on so many different medications nothing ever helps. I still get paranoid i still hear all the whispers and voices in my head since i was 7. The only reason i have not killed myself already is because I am scared if i do i will just hear voices and be paranoid for eternity. I hate my life i hate God i hate Jesus i hate my whole my family through the abuse they put me through while i was younger. My head is a mess and a werck that is never going to correct itself what is the point of going on? I am a paranoid schizophrenic freak with i would give anything just have a clear mind. I fucking hate God i hate Jesus i hate i hate christianity i it all always being told i can pary it away. I do not want to go on. I am 17 and i hate being schizoaffective.,Suicidal +25479,"I dislike my mother so much I believe it has crossed to hate. I hate she gave birth to me. I hate how I look. I see her features in my reflection, and I breakdown crying. I do not want to look like her. My friends say I look better than her. I am beautiful. I am a good person. I care about others and think about the perspective of others. My mother only thinks about herself, does not care about hearing me talk about anyone else that does not affect her. She hated the idea of me volunteering that I kept it hidden. I never told her all the volunteering I did at school and after. I know she is not a good person. My close friend even suggested I should change my name or middle name all together. I am a cis female who goes by a different female name because I can hear her voice when I hear my name. My mother tried to raise me with advice, but she never raised me. All the help I should have had, the eating habits, eating veggies, not sweets, see doctors, see specialists, social skills, everything a parent should do for their child she did not. She could have kids, so she did. She has issues that my friend told me I need to learn how to work with kids because she is like one. She lived in outdated times and would refuse to listen to change. She may have loved my birth father, but come to ask anything about him, she has no clue. This man is who she chose to have as a father? She does not know anything about him. My friend says she has trauma from all her life. Why did she give birth? It is likely nobody would like her, so she created friends. I am older. I can change a lot, but a lot is too late. The damage is done. I am likely to kill myself at some point because as I progress in life with changes I can make, I have to deal with the permanent damage that affects my quality of life. The sad part is if we had universal healthcare, I could try and fix some of the damage. I see her reflection",Depression +25480,"They could have been good happy days. I could have been skinny and attractive and cute. I could have spent the time being with boys and feeling wanted. But they were not and now I am the heaviest I have ever been with a long and hard journey to lose weight, if I can even get to my target weight at all. It sucks feeling like the bad days that have gone by were wasted and you cannot get them back",Depression +25481,"I am going to set a date. I have realized that part of my inability to commit is because I am a fucking coward. If I set a date that I know I will do it, I will finally have something in life to look forward to. Hopefully it will also help calm me down during the frequent times that I feel so hopeless I get irritable and angry. Having the date will remind me that soon it will all be ok and that I just have to hold on until the date. Now, what should I be considering when I set my date? Now if you are trying to convince me to stop, please do not waste your time or mine. Please only replies that can get me closer to my goal. What to consider when setting a date.",Suicidal +25482,I have drank a lot of alcohol and just want to know how much paracetamol to take to end it Can I overdose on paracetamol?,Depression +25483,"My life feels like its slowly getting worse, wtf is wrong with me?here is my story, despite all these things happening it feels like I was happier at the time than I am now.1. Married an abusive psychopath of a woman, divorced about 5 years ago which was probably the best thing I have ever done for myself, did not get 50-50 custody of the kids.2. Dated someone really unstable after that, extremely messy breakup have not really been able to love or bond the same since.3. Burnt out at work shortly after. Before that I was on the line for a huge promotion. Since then I have never been able to focus or get through work like I used to. Started to struggle with suicidal thoughts 4. Met a really great woman that loves me way more than I deserve, supports me all the time. Its so weird I feel like a she will of the person I used to be and must suck to be around, why does she feel like this?5. Ongoing custody battle.6. Found another job which although not the promotion I had once hoped for pays really well and is my ideal job.At around 3 the depression hit, I hopped on meds for 6 months until the suicidal feelings passed, but after that I stopped taking the meds.Up until about then, I was still able to find joy in life, really small things like taking a walk, taking some photos, getting coffee, hanging out with a friend. I feel like my life has never recovered from items 1,2 and 3.I feel stuck, in an emotional and mental limbo. I cannot think about fun things, or holidays. I do not look forward to anything or want to be around people. COVID Lockdowns have just made it all worse.Am I still depressed? I must be, but I just do not know how to kickstart my life again. Real question, am I depressed? WTF is wrong with me?",Depression +25484,"I have had lifelong clinical depression. I treat it with medication and therapy, and for the last few months, I have been doing super well! I am actually happy to be alive and look forward to things, which is fun and new. I have been a little out of sorts for the last few days, which I attributed to being on my period. But today I woke up and it just slammed me. Horrible nightmares, could barely get out of bed. Now I feel once more like I am walking through molasses and constantly fighting the urge to cry. What gives? Anyone else had this happen to them? Should I be doing something else? I just feel like I have been catapulted into the middle of a year-long depressive episode with none of the buildup. is not it at least supposed to take me out to dinner first? For context, I have been working through some pretty heavy past trauma in therapy and making great strides. Depression came out of nowhere",Depression +25485,"For those of you who have dealt with consistent depression for years, what is that like on a day-to-day basis? What does it feel like to deal with long term depression?",Depression +25486,"I am 15 which probably invalidates my entire story because i feel like I am going to seem too young to even understand what it means to be depressed, and i do not know why I am posting this because i honestly do not want to feel okay because its so much easier than getting better and i find a weird comfort in knowing that i could just end it all if i want to, this also is not going to be very organised because i just need to get shit off of my chest. I am so tired, I am so fucking tired physically and emotionally, i can hardly get sleep and when i do i end up sleeping all day, because of this I have fallen fromthe top of all my classes to the absolute bottom, i used to have so many friends but I have had to restrict my circle because i realise that some people care about things that i just do not get, how tf can people go out and do normal teenager shit all of that just seems like a waste of time to me, and the friends that i do have are here for me but half the time i feel like a burden because they hear it from me so often, I am not crying as i write this because I am numb, I am so numb and even when i do cry which is the only sense of relief i get it lasts for maybe 30 seconds before i tell myself to grow up. i cannot live like this anymore and this does not even scratch the surface but I am too tired to write anymore, no one takes me seriously and i do not care if there are people that do not believe me because honestly right now I am looking for something to hold onto just incase there is something because I am so close to the edge idek why I am posting here",Suicidal +25487,"And I keep asking myself, ""Have I done enough?"" ""Am I a good man?"" I have been up and down, and down and up the past couple of weeks. I have done good things, I know. Left the cult I was raised in. Got out of an abusive relationship that went on for years and years afterwards. Rebuilt my life from ground up a few years ago. Am loved by my children, and I am in reasonable health for someone of my age.I have got all these good things, but the questions of worth keep haunting me, along with flashes of absolute screaming terror at the thought of non-existence. Of not being. I was diagnosed with long term, mid-grade depression back in my 30s. SSRIs have been used in the past, but they ate too much of my quality of life and therapy has been of limited use. So, this is a fight that I have fought before.I just do not know how to face the growing dissolution of my physical being combined with the worry that I just do not measure up to what I should be. I do not know how to beat back having a thousand yard stare into an eternity of ""I failed."" I will be 55 on Sunday.",Depression +25488,"Hello, you are reading this because I am appealing to our community for help regarding my medical bill. Despite being fully insured, my provider is leaving me on the hook for a $3000 medical bill. The majority was already covered but according the plan I chose (the highest offered by my company) my deductible and all was not sufficient and I owe a percentage of my bill. I spoke to the hospital about this and they are sending me a financial aid application. I attempted suicide last year, failed. Was sent to an inpatient hospital psych center for 4 days and now I owe all this money I cannot even afford. My mind is saying they should have just let me die because it would be better than digging myself out the mud YET AGAIN but I find myself now just absolutely despising America and health insurance and the fact that I did not ask for any of this. I am so freaking unbelievably sad and anxious right now. Any and all advice would be appreciated. Please, I am in a fragile state, just be mindful of that. Medical Billing Help",Suicidal +25489,"they drag me along everywhere just so i can sit and watch them talk to each other, and every once in awhile will ask me the most basic questions ever like so how you feeling? so what do you think?, god people make me feel so unimportant, i hate my life and myself how did people get to the point of treating me like this? i thought i made it clear to people in my family that its HARD for me to bring myself into conversations but i guess people can never understand how hard it is. maybe they would understand more if they knew how much depression affects you and everything you do, because that is why its gotten worse for me but no one seems to take that possibility into consideration ever. and they leave me out while i hate my life wishing it could be easy for me too. and i can tell they do not want to invite me but do anyway to seem nice or something. though they act two faced and extra nice to me in public like I am a token depressed person or something. just because its hard for me and i cannot interact and i close myself off from everyone when they are talking in a group, and i do that because i cannot keep up with what they are talking about and have no knowledge about anything because I have isolated myself because of my depression for SO LONG that i cannot socialize nor look people in the eyes nor function anymore. anyway people in my family should know i have a hard time with talking and functioning now because i even cry in public but they probably call it me being attention seeking and twist it but oh well! everyone in my life just feels two faced towards me with fake niceness but will just talk down on me when they thing I am not hearing instead of addressing how i feel with ME. just tired of people having problems with people but never addressing anything everything in my life is a illusion. my family treats me like a liability and like i cannot understand anything",Depression +25490,"Hello, (I hope posting here is allowed, this post is about a (100%!) free Book)we are giving away our new book ""Positive Thinking in 30 Days: Practical Workbook to Think Positive; Train your Inner Critic, Stop Overthinking and Change your Mindset"" for free.Interested? Please apply for a free copy here: [ 100 times only.Thanks! Positive Thinking in 30 Days - Free Workbook [100 slots]",Depression +25491,"Sometimes i feel like commiting suicide is the answer so that i would not be worried about my future I am young,lonely and i am afraid of the future. Am i going to be worse or am i just going to suffer",Depression +25492,"Sorry this is a rant. I need to take it off my chest. I work for the government in a important area and I just want to say, it does fucking matter where you work. Especially in the government. They are people who are leaching off others, no training (even though this is a very important area to help citizens) no staff, no resilience (1 person does a job that only they know how to do ) no guides, shitty IT and so on.I have worked in the private sector and it was shit yes, I thought in public would be slightly different. I should not have high expectations of anything.I cannot even leave, I am stuck. If I leave it is going to be way worse where I end up. I do not have any specific qualifications either it is just various on the job experience. And If I leave I do not have the stability, as in a public job you will be guaranteed a job. If I leave I would not have the guarantee.Not to mention I am the only one that is full time in the department. I just joined less than 2 years ago and I have no idea what I am doing and now they are just leaving me the only full timer.But when I have one of the managers having a laugh that they cannot wait for they 4 work day to end...my blood is boiling....I do not want kids but it appears that I need to sacrifice another sole to this filthy planet in order to have some kind of downtime.....i.e. having a kid to have reduce working hours. All the women in my department have fucking babies and ....bless it is just so hard for them to maintain their life with only 16hrs a week.....I do not have a rich husband to sustain me like other people.....Not to mention the colleague that she is only in 2 days a week in the office and 1 day working from home is the mental help ""champion""... No shit. I think I would fucking be Moses with only 3 days working week.And I cannot get even 1 day working from home because the phones need to be answered. Fuck everyone Rant - hate people , hate work, hate everything",Depression +25493,"hey guys i hope you guys are having a great night:) I am just here for a little internet rant.i tried to unalive myself last night, almost 23 hours ago but it did not work. I am hopeless, i do not know what to do in life anymore, i do not know what the purpose of me living anymore. there is genuinely this one person that cares about me, i love every single thing about her. she makes me smile so much, she has the prettiest voice I have ever heard it calms me down so much, and the most gorgeous face my eyes can ever bear. but i do not know why i still want to go, i have her as a friend but i still do not know i do not feel like I am enough, and i cannot find anything to distract myself from the thought. I am not the most outgoing person and i hate making friends more than anything because i cannot give in enough effort to actually have a lasting friendship, and then blatantly ignore it and blame it on them for being like that. its almost like a puzzle, except there is literally no pieces to finish the puzzle, or even start it. I am just living for her and I am terrified because whenever she is inactive or not messaging me or not able to, i have these thoughts again and i cannot stop myself from being paranoid about everything, she is almost like a holiday away from everything. anyways thanks for listening, i hope you have a great night and just remember you got a whole unexpected life in front of you, you will be okay I am proud of you homie <3 i hope you guys are having a great night",Depression +25494,There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I cannot be happy and I am ruining anything that brings me happiness so I can wallow in my misery... I cannot be happy,Depression +25495,"scraped up the last euros i could find on my paypal to atleast get groceries for this week but I am completely fucking broke now. my card got declined for 20 fucking euro purchase today and i do not get money til the 15th this month. the money i get barely covers my living expenses and groceries anyways so cannot borrow money because i will not be able to pay it back anyways, I am unemployed til next month and even then i have not been able to hold a job for more than a year since i dropped out of school.I am only turning 19 this month but have been dealing with this mental health shit since i was fucking twelve.I am so fucking tired. i want to die every day, have 6 psych ward stays and years of therapy behind me but everything keeps falling apart. i do not know what else to try.most nights i end up getting high or drunk just to be able to fall asleep. i cannot keep meds in my apartment because i do not trust myself not to overdose and even if i could, i have such a bad experience with oding and meds in general it is hard for me to take them at all. card got declined getting groceries, I am broke now, i want to fucking die and i do not know what to do",Suicidal +25496,"I called my insurance agency late yesterday for their emergency mental health line to see how much being inpatient would cost if I was involuntarily committed. All they said was they do not know and kept asking me if I was going to hurt someone else or if I had a reason to live. Normally I suppress the urge to hurt people but that idiot on the phone really made me want to. Anyway, if I was not suicidal before the call then I definitely am now. People suck a lot more than I thought they did",Suicidal +25497,"I feel weak saying this. Like a little child. But I will say it because I have never heard anyone saying it. The nightmares. The fucking nightmares. A lot of people say that when they sleep they feel peace. A lot of people with this fucking disease spend the day sleeping so they do not feel anything.WELL, LUCKY THEM! BECAUSE I cannot REST IN MY SLEEP. THESE SHITS DRILL MY MIND WHILE I SLEEP, I am TIRED. No one talks about nightmares.",Suicidal +25498,Partner of 27 years wants me out. 2 kids who are my world staying with her. My dog. I am out on the street all alone. I have worked for this all my life. Never wanted anything else. Loved and treasured all I had. I do not want to start over. I do not want to rediscover myself. I knew me and what I wanted and now I am told do not. This is not how I saw things. I have no reason without my family. I am nothing but a tragic footnote. Thank you and goodnight. 45M. Its over.,Suicidal +25499,Would someone call me and distract me? Sick of my suicidality. Need distraction.,Suicidal +25500,I consume a lot of caffeine to get myself to study and concentrate but even then it gets me going some of the time. Also give myself a deadline to help push things forward.What are some things that works for you? How do you deal with the brain fog?,Depression +25501,"A friend from the Army called me yesterday to tell me his plans to take his life. He had a fucked experience with the VA, as an employee and patient, and thinks the best way to get people to notice how he was treated is to kill himself. I do not think that is the only reason. Hes had problems forever and apparently tried last year. He had a girl dump him that hurt him really bad. Hes just tired of his life and does not see a reason to live. Hes mid thirties and not white. I think the racist fucks in this country definitely are not helping. He seems very clear headed in his decision and told me the plans in great detail. He said it made him happy to speak about it. I have absolutely no idea what to do but I cannot just let this happen. Any ideas? Please. A friend is planning and I need help stopping him",Suicidal +25502,"I should have ended my life on February 12. It was the perfect time. But I did not. I did not do it because I was at a ""relatively good"" time. How ignorant of me to think that things were going to get better! That it would be an opportunity to make things right! Fuck, no one has any idea of the suffering of not having done it that day. But then, I had another chance on June 23. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! I did not.Every day I regret more and more that I did not do it at that time. Perfect moments. WHY cannot I EVEN DIE PEACEFULLY!? I should be dead.",Suicidal +25503,This. I hope i get run over by a bus,Suicidal +25504,"Over this time My gf has left, I have lost my mom to cancer, I lost my nephew to disease and my brother no longer wants anything to do with me. I recently got into a car accident that requires me to have back surgery and I just want the mental emotional and physical pain to end. Is there anything else to live for? Its been a rough 11 months",Suicidal +25505,"I have spent so long pondering why I should even stay on this Earth. I see a lot of people stay for their pets, their S/Os, their friends etc. But I do not see the point, if you have no value why burden others? I do not know maybe I am just overthinking things but I truly think there is no point in my being alive anymore. I am not staying alive for anybody or anything in particular, nothing makes me happy anymore, I might as well just kill myself right? it is not like I have anything to live for. what is even the point?",Suicidal +25506,"My doctor said that he cannot increase my Propranolol dose for panic attacks and wants me to try Citalopram for both anxiety and depression. I have taken Prozac before, which made me feel robotic and Sertraline, which caused severe suicidal ideation, so I decided to stop taking it. I am extremely suicidal right now (attempted several times over the past few months) and I am worried that Citalopram is going to make it even worse. For those of you who have taken it in the past or are currently taking it, what kind of side effects did you experience in the beginning? Doctor wants me to try Citalopram (Celexa)",Depression +25507,"i feel like it was wrong i was born, i feel like I have been just a burden for being born, i feel like peoples lives would have been much better if i never existed, i feel like I am always pretending, and that I am truly a bad person, i feel like I am always bound to fuck up, and i feel like i should stay away from people and disappear, i know I am overwhelmed and i should know better but the nagging feeling of everything being doomed and nothing will work out will not go away and i do not know what to do, I am sorry help",Suicidal +25508,Feeling lonely and suicidal. Need to hear somebody is voice.,Suicidal +25509,"I have an intense urge/desire to commit suicide. I do not understand myself. This is going to sound quite selfish but there are times when I wish death upon my last remaining loved ones, just so I can commit suicide without causing anyone any emotional harm. The intensity of the urge seems to have been rising up day-by-day. I had really thought that I was done with this way of thinking, but it seems that I was incorrect. I know that I should seek medical help but I already am a burden to my family. I would never want them to spend any money on that. And this is not your typical father and mother, sister and brother type of family. it is quite messed up really. But I will not go too deep into it, it is just that my mother and father are divorced, and my mother lives with my grandfather and I live with them too. And my father... well, he does not care at all. He is married for the 3rd time, but the point is he never did care about me. And it is okay. I just have to point this out to clarify why I will not be getting help. But that is not the only reason. there is also the fact that we live in the countryside where there is not psychological help available. So there is that. What kind of advice would you give to someone like me? Can I cure myself? Are there any techniques that may help at least lower my volume of suicidality? Because I know that this is not normal. I have been trying quite a lot of things. Reading all sorts of things to make my outlook on life at least a bit positive. And it did work for a while, I had not felt this way in a while, until that is.. the death of my beloved grandmother.. about 19-20 days ago. But it is not because of her.. well partially. I in general do not have a desire to live or do anything with my life, if anything I would end it. But I am alive for these loved ones beside me. I do not want to make them sad or upset them. I could not imagine them in that much pain. But one of them recently has died and surely that made me feel a certain way. Almost as if death got one step closer. I have subconsciously made up this plan that when my mother dies, I will be committing suicide. Of course, the future is uncertain but that is a plan after all. Anyway, I have been typing for a while now.. If anyone has read this far, thank you. Hope we get better, stranger. Can I cure my mental health if I cannot seek professional help?",Depression +25510,"Hi all! I (22m) currently an university student, was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder way back in 2016. Since then I have been on constant medication and at some points I did not take meds but since last year I have been taking them regularly. My OCD is not a problem now, all is under control but last year in March I cut myself so now I have a forever mark on my hand. I felt really bad at that point of time. Since recently I do not have any will to do anything, I just smoke and smoke cigarettes.... In one month time I have gone from 10 a day to 20+ a day. When I was a teen I hated the smell of cigs and I would have never imagined I would start smoking. I am in my last year of studies but I still have 7 exams left... my peers are about to graduate and I am still, I would like to finish my undergraduate studies in history but I feel sick of it right now. I am planning to study 3D Game Art from November. At least that was a plan because I was thinking to finish history by then but it seems that will not happen... Video games are my true passion and not history, something I previously thought it was. I do not know what to do with myself, I am just to lazy for everything, I do not even play video games that often because I am lazy and without any will. I feel like I just want to go out and hang with friends and drink coffee and cocktails. That makes me happy now. I am going back to my home country next week so there I will talk with my psychatrist who is known me for a long time now. What do you think? Is this depression or am I just too lazy? I want to stop smoking as well but I am afraid of anxiety and not knowing what to do. Thanks! I may have depression...",Depression +25511,"tw:suicide&#x200B;&#x200B;&#x200B; Today's been my worst day so far in my life. I am not even sure how to describe it, nothing terrible has happened, I have dealt with feeling bad and depressed for all my life and always kept it to myself and occasionally had episodes where I have imploded and felt like shit, but today's different, I was having a normal day and something triggered a real bad depressive episode, I feel numb, and the only thing going through my head right now is harming myself, I do not care about anything else. I have deleted all my social media and instant messaging apps, and the only thing I am looking forward to is going home, burying myself in bed and crying, I am scared and I do not know how to react to this, I have not had any suicidal thoughts since I was 14 (I am 25 now) and that is the only thing lingering in my head right now. I feel like I have dug myself in a hole too deep to get out of, I have nobody to talk to about this in real life. I do not even know why I am posting this. Worst depression episode ever.",Depression +25512,"I am really struggling. I just want you to hold me and tell me it is alright. I do not know how to continue without you. You were my now and forever. My life was yours. I do not want to do this anymore. I have never wanted to do this think called life, but you helped make it bareable. This is the lowest I have been in my life. My soul and life is shattered. I do not see a way out from this darkness. I need you to hold me and tell me it is ok. please. I cannot stop thinking about hurting myself. it is hard to breathe",Suicidal +25513,my mind is always telling me to kill myself i think its a sign to just end it.. maybe its a sign,Suicidal +25514,"it is just like last summer. As soon as school ended it started again. My mom is insane and I cannot stand it, she calls me all sorts of things for no reason and it is gotten to the point that I just do not care anymore. Last summer I felt the same, just because of final exams and my parents not being satisfied with what I am. I wanted to die then and I am starting to want to die now. The school year has been peaceful; starting highschool was ok, I guess, except for the fact that everyone thinks I am a loser. I kept to myself all year and now there is people in my class that think it is ok to treat me like shit, and if I say anything that pisses them off, ta-da, I am not taken seriously. It sucks.I had enough of my mom being fucking nasty, and my dad being an alcoholic that thinks we do not know he gambles tons of money away. If it had not been for my baby sister existing I definitely would have done it. I am so fucking sick of being called all sorts of things and not being able to say anything back. I cannot even defend myself or give my opinion. My whole family thinks I am good for nothing because I do not work my ass off in around the household like one of my cousins, but I see no reason to do so. I hate the countryside, I hate living here and I want to move to the city as soon as possible.Every day sucks: I wake up (or am waken up by my mom), drink coffee, and babysit my sister for the rest of the day. I cannot have free time, I have to be available at all times so my mom can chat with the neighbors and my dad can do jack shit all day because his goddamn tummy hurts. Maybe it would not hurt if he tried to smoke or drink less, but only he works in our household, so he ""can afford it"" by his own terms even though we barely have enough cash to make it through the day.Today I felt different though: After my mom got tired of screaming at me, I felt something almost snap inside of me. And I did not care anymore. I feel like I need to cry and scream at the same time, but I also just do not care about what is happening around me. I have felt this way before when thinking about suicide, I felt comfort. Ever since last summer the idea of dying seems comforting. Maybe it is my mind becoming used to it, or maybe it settled in that I might end up like that sooner than I think. I am not thinking of killing myself right now, but if this summer continues this way I might consider just chugging a bottle of pills and being done with it. Sorry for boring you out, I hope you can get back the time you spent reading this. See ya, kind stranger. I feel peaceful.",Suicidal +25515,"Hey, I am a 19 year old girl and I want help. I am suffering so much and I do not know what to do, every day I want to die and I even think about commiting suicide, but I am not brave enough, so I have nowhere to go.I have always been depressive, but it started to get worse when I met my boyfriend and started to date him.I have always ben alone, never had real friends and my family hates me, so when I met him, he became the most important person to me, and the only reason I still want to be alive. he is great and he helps me a lot, even though I am always sad, he says he loves me and supports me, and still wants me.But I am fucked up inside so I always ruin everything by complaining saying he does not gives me attention or loves me, even though he does. The thing is: I am fucking up the only good thing in my life.Whenever he goes out with his friends I get very sad thinking he is going to find another girl that is happy and amazing different from me and start to want her or think about how sad and stupid I am and get tired of me. it is frustrating because i lost all of my individuality after him, I only think about him and when he is out, I spend all day wondering what he is doing and with who, and waiting for him to come back and talk to me, and I suffer for the whole day, thinking about suicide untill he comes back. I do not like it, I do not like the fact that I am too dependent of him, because if he breaks up with me, I will probably actually kill myself. I do not know what to do. He said it might be better for me to break up with him since I am suffering, but that he loves me and wants me to get better, rather than just breaking up. So I want to get better before I fuck it up and then HE HIMSELF gets tired and breaks up with me. Right now I think I fucked it up for good, so that is why I am having worse suicide thoughts, because it looks like the end. he is out with his friends now and I am waiting for him to come back, but I do not want to suffer anymore untill he does, so either I commit suicide or find a way to get help and get better.Please, if you can help me, anything you say will be appreciated. I really have no one to talk to, nowhere to go.I cannot talk to him because he does not even know I WANT to kill myself, he only knows that I have been thinking about it, i do not want to tell him because I am afraid he is going to get tired of me. I do not know what to do. I really want to kill myself. I want to die but I do not have the courage to do it",Suicidal +25516,"Our society sucks. I mean it is definitely better than it was, at least mental health is becoming more normalized. However, it still has a long way to go. Currently helping out my sister in law with what kind of lie (that is based in truth) to tell her boss why she needs a semi urgent doctors appointment. Because even though employers ""say"" they support mental health, we all know the levels of acceptance and denial in the work force, and she does not want to look ""weak"" and ""emotional"" in front of work competitors and miss out on promotions. Currently we are going with the ""doctors appt for sleep apnea"" and ""doctors appointment for anemia"" rout (since anxiety induced insomnia is part of the problem, and anemia really could be part of it). Obviously not going to mention the suicidal ideation part! Figuring out the best lies to tell your employer when getting urgent help",Depression +25517,"Noted, I do not always feel like this and my mood cycles up and down rapidly, so maybe I am not depressed but right now I just wanted to die, not not kill my self, just die. Get rid of myself of the existence of my worthless self on this planet. I feel like everyone and the world would be better if I just did not exist. I cannot kill myself because that makes my suicide always a burden to those around me, but there are millions of worthy people who have died of covid, it should have been me instead. I want to die",Depression +25518,"Hopefully something changes for the better I have given myself 246 days to get my life in order, or I am going to killmyself. Wish me luck",Depression +25519,Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with my body and I feel like I am dying but I am not suicidal tho. I do not think I can even hurt myself intentionally but from time to time I have these intrusive thoughts that I my have undiagnosed disease/illness and that maybe I am dying or something. :(( I feel like I am dying but not suicidal,Depression +25520,"I am a 15 year old boy. I am simply just asking for a reason or reasons not to just give up?Where do I start, I do not believe myself to be good looking at all considering that just about every girl I have asked out has said no, I do not get invited to anywhere so I am always alone in my house, I have strict parents who have said as long as you are under this roof, there is no such thing as privacy, as well as repeatedly calling me lazy and getting mad at me any chance They get. I am starting to hate basketball, the sport I have played since I was little because they are starting to make it like a job, its not fun anymore and I get made fun of by a few of my teammates I have been really looking forward to my 16th birthday, in November, which might be one of the only reasons I have not given up yetThe one girl who I did really like passed away 3 months ago. A lot of people who go to school with me know how much I liked her, and around like 2 people have asked how I have been dealing with the situation. I get nervous when talking to girls, and it makes me somewhat socially awkward. These reasons to quit are just few of many. Can anyone give reasons NOT to give up Need reasons to NOT give up",Depression +25521,"Therapy, drugs, exercise, meditation, nothing helps. do not know where to go from here. cannot see any good reason to continue except to spare a few people the pain of loss. I just do not want to be here. I feel like I am running out of options",Depression +25522,I am sorry . . . I thought I was stronger than this. I thought one day I would find a purpose to all of this. I cannot eat . . . I have not showered and I have not slept in days. My dad died in front of me when I was 16. My daughters mother left me after I proposed to her when we were 22. My girlfriend left me last night and I am now alone in a state I moved to in order to be with her. I cried and begged her to just talk to me but she hung up the phone on me. I thought she loved me and idk how anyone can treat anyone like that. I have always been the second option to everyone in my life. I do not believe ImCapable of being loved or even deserving of it. I am planning on killing myself and crying as I type this but I feel like I have been dead for weeks. I just want this to stop. I just want to stop feeling for once. I am sorry I was not strong enough. I tried my hardest to beat this but I finally give up. Please do not hate meIm not a bad person.- E I do not want to do this anymore,Suicidal +25523,"(I am trying to get a little inspration here) people who keep on going despite their suicidal thoughts, why? what is your reason?",Suicidal +25524,"Idk how to start this but I am 19 and I have been depressed since about 14-15. I thought it was just a phase, but I got a plumbing job which is what I went college for and wanted to do since I left school and the depression never went away, they ended up letting me go of the job which did not help. My whole family knows about my depression, but they do not know how bad it is, should I tell them or try and figure it out on my own? I am also in the process of also quitting weed, how much will this help my depression? The doctors have tried putting me on anti depressants but I said no, should I take them? Sorry for all the questions. Help????? I have no idea what to do",Depression +25525,"I have had suicidal ideation for over a year now. Over time, my suicidal thoughts have become more and more obtrusive. I think about it multiple times day. I would say I think about it At least once every hour or two. I know how I would do it and I readily have the means. I am just scared Ill screw it up and end up worse off. If I had a guarantee I would not screw up, I would do it. I have come close to doing it one time, but I got scared. I am 25 years old now and I feel so jealous of younger people. they have got so much time to make choices that make them happy. I have only ever made choices that appeased people in my family. I am so responsible and I hate it. I really do not understand why I feel this way. I feel trapped in the world that I was born in. Everyone ends up dying eventually, so what difference does it make if skip over all the bs and get straight to the dying. I get out of work and responsibilities. I can work for another 40+ years and then die or I could just skip all that and die now. Its strange because I really do not mind working. I do not feel like I am where I should be. I do not even know where I am supposed to be, if that makes sense. I think I am just venting. Advice is always appreciated. What am I supposed to do?",Suicidal +25526,"Two years ago I was really depressed and I started feeling pain in both my hip flexor muscles. I saw a lot of doctors, did physical therapy, did an X-ray, a MRI...and everything looked okay to the professionals. The last doctor I saw told me that it was mental. I stopped taking the meds I was prescribed and went on with my life and they eventually went away. Now my legs are hurting again because I am severely depressed now. Just want to know if anyone has experienced something like that. Also I never fell or hurt myself in anyway so that is why I am askin. Whenever things become really stressful and I hit rock bottom I start feeling pain in my legs. Has anyone experienced something like that?",Depression +25527,"I know as a fact that I was depressed as a teenager, because I did not have friends, i slept all the time and all i could think about was suicide.So that has always been the parameter that I used to measure my emotional state through life. I have always thought ""I am not feeling as bad as I felt those years so I must not be depressed"", even if suicide popped up in my mind here and there.I am 25 now and I have been going to therapy for the last 2 years and only now it came to mind to ask my therapist if I have ever been depressed since I have been going there. She told me that I am, and that depression comes in many forms. In my case, sometimes positive events make me ""snap out of it"" for brief periods of time and then I am back into it.I am so sad now because I feel that I have had this sickness for more than 10 years and this has put so many obstacles in my life, and I will never be happy. But I guess this is the depression talking.I took an appointment to go and see a psychiatrist because I want an official diagnosis (and because it is free in my country), but I am scared of taking meds and I feel hopeless.tl;dl: you do not have to be sad all the time to be depressed. Look out for other signs. I just found out I have been depressed all this time",Depression +25528,"The entire world now hates white peopleThe entire world hates AmericansAnd now I am seeing people think tall women are trans women. So just because I am not a cute 4'11 Japanese girl, that means I am a man?The entire fucking world is against meI hate being white I am constantly blamed for shit that happened before I was born I hate being American And I hate being a tall girl I want to kill myself because I am white, American, and 5'7 which is too tall for a female",Suicidal +25529,"I managed to get a bachelor from a private uni 2 years although I developed severe depression due to bullying from my peers. I have been applying to masters ever since and I got turned down almost everywhere. Managed to get admitted to a really cool, selective and challenging private uni (different one from earlier), but I cannot afford to go there and I did not receive financial aid or anything of the sorts.Tried with multiple courses at a public one and got rejected in all of them.I am a waste of oxygen (that is what they used to tell me lol) and I deserve to die. I just do not want my parents to see me die/dead, as they could not take it. I am tired of life, of this crap, of no chances for the future. There is no hope for me and I just want to give up and go hide in an hole till my body gives up. What am I even supposed to do now?",Suicidal +25530,"Why despite everything I try to feel remotely better about myself I still do not feel good enough, I have tried self care and self help and just trying to be better but it never seems to be enough Why do I never feel good enough",Depression +25531,"There are a lot of pills in front of me and I am going to try this again um idk I just do not want to do this anymore. I am so uncomfortable all the time with myself its so irritating to have to be me it almost makes my skin crawl. I have tried this many times before and Id like to make it easier on myself, but I do not see any other way. I think that its either I kill myself or I end up annoying or hurting every one else. I do not want to have to be alive to lose anyone else either. :/ Pills",Suicidal +25532,"I just want this life to be over. Why cannot you accept that? Why do you keep me here in pain and suffering? To keep you happy while I wither in sadness? ""I will keep you inside. Where I lead you cannot follow. Straight into the light. As my breath grows still and shallow.""",Suicidal +25533,"After abt 3-4 months of feeling ok I relapsed again. Just why. I take my meds. I exercise every morning. I do not eat junk. what is wrong with me? Sometimes i feel like I do not deserve being ok. Not happy, just ok.Now i barely leave the house. I either take sleeping pills to pass out or play Sims where i create a perfect life for myself (yeah, pathetic, i know). Needless to say, I am also unemployed. This winter and spring i had several gig jobs and it was paid enough to get by. Now I am broke and job hunting feels impossible due to my condition. Also, it is hot and sunny. I hate summer.I feel so miserable. Feeling guilty for not being able to do anything, feeling lazy and weak.And, yeah, no money to pay for therapy.Just. Why. I am 31. Half of my life spent struggling w mental issues with little to no success. I am so tired of fighting.Thanks for reading. I am getting worse... Again",Depression +25534,Just want to tell anyone who is fighting depression like me....do not GIVE UP YOU SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!! Your not alone at all-ONELOVE RefresheWater Hey,Depression +25535,"Not diagnosed. But highly sure that I have ADHD (Most of all symptoms matched).I love to talk, that is the way I was since childhood. Most Energetic and hyperactive child in the colony.It has been about 8 years since we transferred to a different state. Obviously, In the beginning ,i made a lot of friends ,in fact, i made everyone my friend in my colony. now i feeling to realise that i was and am never good at sustaining a friendship. it is me who ruined the friendship (i believe so) ( but people here are assh\*les and very immature , this is something I am sure of) . And in this place, here are no beautiful/ attractive enough who can get my eyes ( which is a great demotivating factor for me).I have friends but at the very moment, i feel i do not have friends at all ( coz you know i or idk if they ruined it).I am an Ambivert , and ENFPI'm a very talkative guy (i just never stop talking) .But I am a quiet guy around people ,and i get inside my mind and talk to myself. that is what I have been doing Talking to myself since last 6/7 years as i thought it is better to talk who can understand than kids( my friends) who cannot. I never liked school and always looking for a ways to skip school. I used to be the Most ( one of the) quiet guy in the class coz i always get into trouble . anyways i never liked sitting still and staring at the book or looking the teacher. I was the most carefree and stressless and unmotivated guy in the whole school . ( i never give a f\*ck about anything , even when i want to )Now, I graduated from school last year, and presently I am preparing for college entrance exam (drop year). Still , i cannot sit still and study to long hours as i am not really interested do so but i have to .The troubling thing is I am always restlessly walking inside my room and ALWAYS talk to myself and i do not even much talk to my family or my brother who is most closest to me. I just become QUIET . I do not feel comfortable talking to my own family. even though they are very very TOXIC but they are my family.I always lock myself in in the bathroom and talk to myself for hours ( I feel very connected to myself when i look at the mirror and talk)ONE IMPORTANT THING -> Earlier ,in colony, I used to be very aggressive and had a lot of anger issues (used to fight a lot) . Now , i just do not care about anything ( most of the things) and least interaction caused me to No anger issues but there is are times , i just get aggressive for no/ slightest reason at all and i isolated myself in bathroom.WHY AM I SO QUIET AROUND MY PEOPLE EVEN WHEN I WANT TO TALK ???AM I IN DEPRESSION???? Well i never HATED myself but the every people including my family around me Am I in depression ?",Depression +25536,"Just heads up, this is going to be a bit of a long post, but any help is appreciated.Hi, so last Monday I acted stupid and started reading some dark depressing reddit posts about what happens after death (the post was in an Atheist pov) and that there is nothing after death. I am normally a very happy guy and I have never really been depressed or sad about anything, but after reading this post I just got super anxious and very nervous about the end. Problem is, before even if I read some depressing shit I was able to snap out of it, but it is been more than a week and I cannot seem to get myself back together. I keep thinking about this. My mind seems to not be able to enjoy life anymore. I am always thinking ""what is the point of all this then if we just go back to nothingness"". I am a recent accounting graduate with a full time offer lined up this year but I am not even excited for that anymore. I went to the fourth of july fireworks this past Sunday, and while everyone was ""wowing"" & ""whoaing"", I was just blankly sitting there deathly afraid of one day ultimately LOSING the beauty of Earth. My family was watching the fireworks next to me and I just got really sad knowing one day I will lose them all, and they will lose me. I have a beautiful and wonderful girlfriend who we LAUGH together all the time. I went to IKEA with her this past Monday and while I am usually very happy around her, I just kept getting sucked back into the anxious mindset of one day LOSING her too. What the fuck am I experiencing and how do I snap myself out of it. When I start thinking about that post I can physically feel my brain numbing and hurting a little, like as if my brain cannot comprehend that I am ultimately not special and that I will turn to dust into nothing, into the void. I have always known that we will all die one day, but I have never WORRIED about it because we are all just temporary tenants of this Earth. I am just always sad now thinking all the beauty of life, family, girlfriend, will eventually and certainly END. PLEASE, any help is appreciated. I just want to enjoy life, I do not want to keep having to think about this stupid thought. I should have never read the reddit post. My motivation, aspirations, are all sort of gone.... Please help, am I experiencing Depression?",Depression +25537,"So, I am not here for support as I do not think I am suicidal, but I do sometimes have completely random thoughts of ending it all. Might be a way of my brain telling me to appreciate Life or giving a different perspective? Anyone else experience this? Random thoughts of suicide?",Suicidal +25538,"I have been dealing with depression for most of my life but the past 6 months have honestly been some of the hardest, I am 23 and I still live at my moms house but everyday I wake up I feel like loser and I have no motivation to do anything. I honestly feel amazing now though. A week ago my moms shitty boyfriend apparently was black out drunk and talking shit about me, I confronted him the next day (when we were all sober) he said he was sorry and said he did not remember. I knew that was bullshit but hearing the apology made me back off because I thought there would be a fight. I go and sit down afterwards and I felt washed over with dread and disappointment in myself because I should have done something. I felt like a bitch and I just got metaphorically slapped in the face. Well on the 4th of July hes at my moms house again. We shake hands and make up, I poured us some drinks and he grilled food, next thing I know he is swinging his fists on my mom. And I had enough, I stopped the fight but he punched me in the face a few times so I grabbed his neck with my arm and swung him over my hip on the ground in front of me. (I am not a fighter, I love people and I always try my best to not fight) he ended up on top of me and he starting punching me in the face again. I got up and called the cops (do not hate me, this is his 4th domestic violence issue) they come and arrest him. I feel good for actually standing up for my mom but feel like a bitch again because I never actually swung on him. A couple hours goes by and HE COMES BACK. This time he came out on the front porch. it is about 12 feet off the ground and there is a huge steep wooden staircase and at the top of the stairs there is a glass door. I kept telling him to get in his truck and leave, he was clearly drunk. He sucker punched me in the left side of my head and before I could even think I was already grabbing his shirt and running him through the front porch, next thing I know the glass door is shattering and this man flew all the way to the bottom. Called the cops again because he violated a protective order and that is basically the end of it. I know this sub is about depression but I feel more manly and the least amount of depressed than I have in years, I have already got a workout routine and I am looking for jobs again. For some reason throwing someone through a glass door just gave me the confidence booster I never knew I needed 10/10 would try, no I am joking but I hope I did not break any rules with this post. If I did I am sorry. I have been depressed for a very long time and after what happened my confidence went sky high. Or it could be due to a mean concussion lmao. What a 4th of July",Depression +25539,"Anyone here able keep up that short lived boost of willpower what do I need to do to be dedicated again fuckkkk I lost 20kgs last year and was doing really well in life. Now I am smoking again, gaining that weight and generally hating everything lol",Depression +25540,I have been struggling with mental health for years but recently suicidal thoughts have been in my head throughout everyday and they are getting really hard to ignore. Idk Suicide,Depression +25541,"I am not going into details because i do not want that person to find this reddit post. I just feel so heartbroken and my urges are getting worse. I know i am going to try to kill myself again soon. I just hope that this time i succeed. I tried to kill myself yesterday, and i lost someone close to me due to my attempt.",Suicidal +25542,"When I get frustrated or stressed or any other kind of negative emotion, I tend to beat myself to release pent up anger. But apparently I am supposed to suffer because that is not how I am supposed to cope. My family says they care about me well if you did you WOULD LET ME COPE WITH EMOTIONS, DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER?! Just let me cope!",Depression +25543,I decided to not choose death but choose life. Wish me luck and bye death. I chose life.,Suicidal +25544,"I used to be able to sleep fine when it was not as bad but now its like I am suddenly constantly awake every night staring at my ceiling because the all the depression and stress make it impossible to sleep, I cannot even do anything to pass the time because everything is so boring and bland and flavourless to me and I cannot text anyone because I have no friends, the only way I can get a little bit of sleep is if I take strong sleeping pills which basically just feel like I am being drugged to sleep. I dread the mornings but I dread having to sit up all night even more. I cannot even sleep anymore",Suicidal +25545,I can really go from I love my friends; I am doing really well at college; I have got my whole life ahead of me to no one would notice if I dropped dead today; I am doing well for my standard but not compared to anyone else; I cannot see my life going anywhere because I cannot do anything right in a matter of minutes huh How to stop overthinking when you have never got anything else to do?,Depression +25546,"I am 32 years old. It seems like just yesterday that everything was still possible. I was a young person with my whole life ahead of me. I was looking at some pictures of myself on holiday 8 years ago when I was 24, and it feels so recent. In another 8 years I will be 40! I cannot believe I am half way between 24 and 40. it is so depressing. Time is going by too fast",Depression +25547,"Literally. I am so stressed right now. I feel like I am in up to my head in bills right now. cannot afford groceries for my daughter and I, rent is not paid, zero bills paid this month. I have an Etsy shop that is completely dead right now and it is my only income. ( I have just finished school for the summer and I do not even know where to begin. My relationship ended this week and I feel like I lost the only person I had to talk to. I feel like a failure and I am just over it all. Over everything!",Depression +25548,"36 (m) here. 20 years of major depression, GAD, OCD etc. due to bad childhood and trauma. I grew up raised by an alcoholic single mother who emotionally abused me, even when i was already an adult.Now, I occasionally realise that I am out of juice and still trying my best to please and emotionally support my wife. She has bipolar (and BPD although that is well in control now). I work and study in order to better support us financially, since she cannot work. I do chores and try to energize her to help. Today i sat with her at the kitchen table, eating food i had made just her in mind, and her silence and empty stare into nothingness just broke me. I suddenly thought of how I am fighting a battle I cannot win, and that whatever i do is useless, she is not emotionally present and she will abandon me eventually. All of a sudden I wanted to kill myself although everything is ""fine"". Nothing I do will ever make her take the same initiative that I have or make her go through shitstorms to please me like I have done for her, and I will have to either live with this or abandon her (which is the last thing i want to do because she is very vulnerable). I wanted today to be a nice day for us, it is my day off and now all I do is hold back my tears and feel like shit.Just today's thoughts. Giving my all while out of energy, and empty",Depression +25549,"I am actually writing the letter. I have thought about what I would say for years now, and today I am actually doing it. I have not been this low ever. In my twenty-three years of life I have never felt this low and just downright hopeless.I have always considered myself to be a hopeful person. Always able to find good in a bad situation and was particularly skilled at helping others find the silver linings in their lives and getting them out of rough spots. Not to sound pompous, but I have saved several lives in my time on this earth. The favor has been returned too, and I owe so many people the extra years they have earned me. But now? I have been down for too long. Anxious for too long. Sick for too long. And it is been at a point where I cannot bring myself to get better. I do not want to get better. I have not for a while - the pain is safe. No surprises in my days, no pain I was not already expecting or experiencing. Nobody can hurt me this way. I have wallowed for too long though, so when I finally reached out for a little bit of help, because I realized too late just how bad it is gotten, I was dismissed. Abandoned for friends much happier and nicer than I, and I cannot even be mad about it. I have done this to myself.I do not even ask for things that much, I am far too anxious about being a burden or being viewed in even the tiniest of negative lights. So you would think that by virtue of me reaching out, that would be enough of a sign of how bad it is been. Guess not. Oh well.So I am writing my letter, cleaning as much of the mess that is my room that I can so it is easier to pack up when I am gone, and tonight I am ending it.I hope it is quiet wherever I end up. Quiet and green. I am writing the letter",Suicidal +25550,"Imagine waking every single day, after having not slept much/properly and the first thing that hits you is a massive wave of dread and anxiety. Imagine going to bed and not being able to fall asleep because your heart is beating so fast, due to massive anxiety. Imagine being in that alert state 24/7 and only being able to ""rest"" from actually passing out from exhaustion. And ""anxiety"" is not even a proper word that describes the overwhelming wave that crashes down. I have always had depression as far as I remember. I have always thought that life was a paradox not worth living. I am 25. I am a soon to be researcher. I still think that I am stupid for not having ended it sooner. There has not been a moment I have not thought about it, but for the past couple of years I almost convinced myself that maybe there was something out there that was worth living for. Studies, career, relationships...building a life with a household, with plans, with a future. Things worth researching, using my brain and skills to further advance humanity. But guess what? All those are sources of pain. Insane, immense, indescribable pain. I have made many mistakes, out of pain. I have tried becoming the best version of myself, the best that I could be. I am still desperately trying. But its all just pain and failure. There seem to be nothing I can do to change my fate. All I can see is dark and more dark. At this point in time, I do not see any hope in my life. Career-wise, there is no fulfillment that I can get from it. On the side of my hobbies, there is nothing that I can be proud of achieving or mastering. There is always the voice of dissatisfaction or perfectionism. Relationship-wise, I am a mess. I have hurt and gotten hurt. I have done so many mistakes, and despite remediating and improving myself, it does not seem like there is any future for me in that either. I feel weak. I feel ugly. I feel uninteresting. I feel incompetent. I feel mediocre. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. I feel undesired. I feel unliked. I cannot stand my body nor my mind. I cannot stand my personality. I cannot stand myself.Being inside my head and living with myself is daily hell. All of these feelings, yet the cherry on top is just massive debilitating anxiety. Something that not even medication, drugs, alcohol can solve. Brain chemistry and molecular dynamics aside, those do not remove the sources of my anxiety. The sources that pretty much are permanent.So I am pretty convinced that this will soon be the end for me. Because the massive pain and anxiety are taking over my mind and body. Because no amount of doctors and professional help can remove the sources and causes. Because the best alternative solution would be to stay at a psych ward. What is the point then? Keeping myself alive at a place to keep myself alive, just for the sake of keeping myself alive? The absurdity of it all. The only reasonable decision is clearly obvious. The state of being alive is actual hell, this might be the end",Suicidal +25551,"I feel like my dad is putting me in my room all day learning and I had no fun, I am working very hard but I feel like my dad is putting me in jail, I am very sad. hi I am(12m) and life just sucks",Depression +25552,No emotions except for wanting to lay down and rot away. I feel like a walking corpse,Suicidal +25553,"I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 14 - so 12 years now. I was with my partner for 6 years. he never understood my depressive episodes. he often would leave me alone at night crying in the dark.we broke up in April. I broke up with him because of his bad communication but later regretted it. he said he did not want me back but wanted to be friends. I found out tonight he has a new girlfriend he started dating 2 weeks after we broke up. he said he did not love me because I was told frustrating and did not listen. when we broke up I lost the house we built together, our dog, our garden. everything.my grandma was diagnosed with cancer in January. she was overseas and I could not see her. we were told she had a year left. she had a stroke after one month and died.after the break up, I moved into a sharehouse. it was an awful place to live and I was living with alcoholics who would constantly have domestic disputes. I now live with a housemate, but I am alone most of the time. none of my friends live close to me. I have no family nearby.my workplace is toxic and manipulative. they put too much pressure on me. they ignored my health issues and made me go without pay, even though I had leave. they fired my supervisor without notice.I accidentally got pregnant with a rebound fuck buddy and then I had to have a medical abortion. it was the most painful experience of my life.I am $10k in debt and cannot get out of it.I feel alone. I do not have anything worth living for. I try to be a good person, and I try to do things that are good for me, but it does not work. I am not worth it. I am not worth loving and I do not deserve good things. I want to die. I am now at the hospital waiting for emergency care.",Depression +25554,I have been suffering depression since I was 19 I am 22 I feel in a deep state and lost a bunch of weight I am underweight 43kg suffering body image issues and low self esteem I cannot get the image out of my head that my breast look huge when there not I am c 14 there not big My boyfriend tells me I am fine and is trying to help me get better same with family but I cannot seem to want to do anything Hurting myself,Depression +25555,"all I have ever done is mentally drain all of my friends by talking abt suicide all the time and i know they are sick of it. nobody wants to keep saving someone out of killing themselves over and over again and i only realized this after my only friend who gave half a shit about me completely ignored me and its all my fault. i wish i could fall asleep forever and not hurt anyone but I am stuck between having nobody that cares about me so i decide killing myself is the best option and having too many people care about me to try and convince me out of it.not to mention i loved this person so much yet I have just been an emotionally draining burden since I have known them. somehow i manage to hurt the only people who even want to be around me. if anything this feeling is something i deserve to happen to me. I am a manipulating, selfish piece of shit.",Suicidal +25556,I am so tired of being alone can someone please just leave a comment?,Suicidal +25557,"I fucking hate her for giving me life. I am incompetent, lazy, unattractive, and my eyesight is shit. She never bothered teaching me any life skills so now I am left figuring it all out by myself. She did not care when my brother bullied me for years, making me feel worthless and alone. She wanted kids because she wanted kids, not because she wanted to give someone a good life.Her father drowned on her 9th birthday after driving off a nearby bridge, I want to steal her car and go out the same way just so she has to relive the whole experience all over again. I want to kill myself to spite my mother.",Suicidal +25558,Does anyone wake up early around 4:30 or 5:00 I have been doing it for 3 years to cope with it and I like to be up at ease Waking up early,Depression +25559,I am 29. This year my dad (late 80s) was diagnosed with dementia. Last year my dog died. I am unemployed. My entire life feels off. All I have done is made mistakes and I am scared to make any more. I seem to just constantly choose the wrong path or make the wrong move. I want to do and be better but I am stuck in the dark. I take on more then I can handle then crash and let everyone down. I am shit scared of my future but have not the energy or faith do anything about it. I do not know what to do for a career anymore or what makes me who I am. I feel completely spent. I know depression is an illness but I cannot help but take responsibility for my part in anything that has gone wrong in my life. Then I beat myself up more. I am at a point I just feel like I have no answers. I had so much potential and so many options and I feel like I have blown my future before it even got started I do not know how much more I can take,Depression +25560,"everyday i think about suicide and it feels so good that this shit will be over , say fuck you to the relatives that did not give a fuck about me and the rest , what a load of shit life is in general? i did not ask to be born , i do not want any of this? why are people forced into this clusterfuck? so some people could feel better about their selfish ego? but what the fuck is the point? to satisfy their selfish needs? is this what the life is all about is not it , humans are narcissistic selfish beings in general, yes there are good people but they are in the minorityso fuck this world and people in it , i hope one day it will be destroyed does not matter by what , fuck this shit thinking about suicide makes me comfortable",Suicidal +25561,"I am not saying this to have anybody feeling bad for me, or to get any type of pity. I am serious and it does not really matter who I am or how old. All I know is that I cannot take it anymore. I wish my life would change for the better but every year, month, day, its getting worst. I lost all my faith, joy, motivation, I do not have any goals anymore. Somebody or something, should I say completely tore me down. I do not have any hope anymore, I know things will not get better, it can only get worst now. Its weird because I suffer so much but at the same time, I am completely numb. I just want to end this pain. Also, life does not any meaning for me anymore. I give it the end of the year, if nothing changes or only for the worst, Ill end my life. that is it. When Ill be dead, I may go to heaven or feel nothing which is way better than the pain I am in right now. If I would have known what my life would have been and I could have chose, I would have decided not to be born. And please do not judge, because nobody, I think wants to die, its just that we want to end the pain, suffering. that is unfair but that is it, cannot change things now. If nothing changes in the next few months, like end of the year, I am going to end my life and I am very serious.",Suicidal +25562,"i cannot tell if I am really a bad person or not. writing stuff for context:i was going through trauma and abuse 4 years ago, took my anger out on others to (unhealthily) cope, almost made someone kill themself, am constantly reminded of it to this day.i made a joke about significant events that happened in my life, that being one of them and my partner thought I am scary because i joked about it and did not understand why i should not have, i still do not. maybe i really just am a horrible person but i do not get it. the joke was not about that one event specifically, i was just listing things out and no one actually got hurt during that, everyone is fine and healthy now and it was 4 years ago so i do not see why listing it out in a joke is bad. i said i would not joke about it anymore if it is fucked up but he said he wants me to actually understand, which I am not sure I am able to. i do not know if me not being able to understand what is so wrong about it is because of my autism, actually being a shitty person or is actually justified. if there is no hope for me i would gladly rather kill myself than live as someone unable to be a good person insight needed",Suicidal +25563,"My depression has made it so that trying to finish everything before I start college in the fall extremely difficult. I have been having so much anxiety about finishing forms and the like that I have been putting them off, especially since I am having trouble doing them because I do not understand what to do. I had to submit a picture of my driver's license to the tuitions office by June 30th. I did not know there was a deadline and missed it, so I will not be considered for in state tuition meaning I will be paying thousands more. I really do not know what to do. I am crying because I am such an idiot and now I am going to have to pay more when I can hardly afford tuition in the first place. I submitted it anyways in hopes they will maybe accept it but I doubt it. I cannot believe I did this. I really fucked up.",Depression +25564,"I hate this word, i hate how lonly i am and how boring everithing is i hate this summer and how hard it his to know new people, everitime my parents complain about me withouth listening to me, just complaining i want to blow my head with a shotgun, i cannot stand them anymore i hate how complicated it is my relationship with the only person thath dosent make me fell lonly, i started to not love even her anymore just because I am afraid thath she dosent love or care about me anymore i hate my future, i do not want to work in a factory for all my life after my graduatiion,i hate how i will never find people tath i can fell close withi hate how much i do not feel love for my family to the point thath i fell guilty, i hate how much my parents do not care how i fell, they just gave up on mei also hate how every one i know disapointed me in some way and thath i really cannot trust nobody, even my family, i hate how detached i feel from my family, i hate how i cannot talk to most of my family beacause of how annoying it is talking to them, its impossible to have a conversation especialy if i talk about my problems I want to go to therapy but guess what, iv been there and therapy sucks, I am too scared of not being understood like arleady happend, i hate how i stopped wanting to improve my life, I am just a zombi doing the same shit everyday Every day is getting harder, and I am becoming more depressed, probably also because the lack of school, i also noticed thath for whatever reason, happy event make me depressed, like the day thath i gratuated i was so happy like i was not in years, maybe it was the compliment of the teachers or how unxpectedly well it went, but i just felt so happy, but then for whatever reason i started to feel very depressed, maybe its because in my shittty family nobody wanted to listen how happy i was because, we just do not talk about how we feelSomtimes i wonder i did not chose this, what forces me to stay and its nothing, i am tinking in way thath i can kill myself and even if there are some i do not know if I am really going to do it, i really hate this word, I am tired of doing everithing alone, i wish there was somone to listen I am tired, i just want to die",Suicidal +25565,"Ever since my dad passed I have been feeling straight suicidal. He was the number one person I was closest to, and literally the number one person I could rely on for anything.After he passed I really just feel so meaningless and numb in what I do. I really look forward to nothing, and I am just constantly depressed. I feel lonely because my mom and sister do not really connect as close as me and my dad did, in terms of our personality and behavior. I also do not feel like I could rely on them as much as I would with my dad. I just straight up miss him. Life just feels empty and I am constantly hurt. Knowing I got the majority of my life now without him, I just dread the future.I got close friends in my life. But I do not burden anyone with what I feel. I never have and cannot see myself doing so. I always all my life kept personal things to my self. Maybe its because I feel as if people do not truly care or could understand. Part of me also feels there is nothing new or insightful anyone could give me on this issue. If I cannot fix my own personal feelings or problems in my mind, I really cannot see how someone else could. Nothing anyone could say could fix my underlying feelings. And the feeling that no one truly knows how I am feeling or really goes out of the way to check up on me and the fact that Id have to run to others to tell them makes me feel lonelier in what I go through. I seriously lost all empathy for others. I truly do not give a shit for other people the same way i feel they probably do not give a shit about me. Only thing stopping me from throwing my life away is I have a responsibility to help my mom with bills now. But my sister is getting a place and my mom might move in with her in the near future (my sis makes more and is more capable of helping.) When that happens I do not think much would stop me. I just do not care or want to live anymore. I cannot truly enjoy anything anymore either. Its just not the same. Suicidal after Dad passed",Suicidal +25566,"I guess if I do not need to buy food for a whole month I can afford next month's rent.I guess technically I can do that. I probably have enough to eat for a whole month. I have a box of ramen. that is 12 packets. If I eat half a packet a day that is almost all the days.I have some chicken, too.I have enough anti depressants for a month too.I do not know about next month. But if I can afford rent again. I will be out of food and pills. So what is the point of an apartment? My rent is paid",Suicidal +25567,Yeah it is my question and I am going through it too . I do not know what one week I feel so energetic and be productive and the next week I get too negative and stop doing things . Does anyone ever get out of this cycle completely ? Do people ever get out of this endless loop completely ?,Depression +25568,It feels like I cannot do anything right no matter how hard I try. Every year I tell people that lll do better with school but every year I just keep doing the same thing. Its like this cycle of screwing up and no matter how hard I want it to end I simply keep going back to it again and again and its only after its ended that I realize how bad I have screwed up. I have people around telling me I am making mistakes but I do not end up listening when its most important. Its summer and I want to change for the better but I have no idea if one month is going to change anything about me. I just think I am going to fuck up my next year too. And disappoint everyone around me. Every time I am trying to have fun or do something else these thoughts of inevitable failure are always in the back of my head. I do not feel enthusiastic anymore and I just want this cycle to end. I may not be as depressed as others on this sub Reddit but its really taking a toll on me. I am just unenthusiastic,Depression +25569,"There is one last thing id like to do before i die , i want to go alone to the aquarium to look at jellyfish , id do it after , drive to the large parking garage and fall off the top id pick something nice to wear , a white dress and my favorite pair of shoes i picture myself taking them off and neatly placing them by the edge , then me balancing at the top before turning and letting the palms of my feet lift me back , i think about how long id get to fall before its over and what it will look like once it was i wonder who will be the poor souls to witness me. Whenever i imagine it its always been during the day but now i wonder if it will be less scary during the night i think it would make me feel better not being able to see the bottom, I have always loved the night and the comfort it brought i dreaded sunrise i hope it will bring me the same comfort one last time finally having a night without a sunrise Before i die-",Suicidal +25570,My anxiety and depression is getting so bad that is its making it extremely difficult to near impossible to work. I need this job to support myself but I can barley get out of bed and my constant intrusive thoughts makes it too hard to concentrate. Depression/Anxiety and Job,Depression +25571,"I cannot stay alive any longer.If you check my previous posts,you will see why.I cannot stay on earth a second more.I just want to die.I cannot do this anymore this place is killing me.I belong in book worlds.I am meant to be a warrior,a princess,a elf,anything but a human.I belong in Narnia,Hogwarts,Camp Half-blood,Prythain,anywhere else.I just want to get out of here please i am dying i cannot even sleep at my own house.Please someone take me out of here i have no one to help me I am going to die if i do't go to a boow world.I know it is irracional but i do not even care anymore.I just want to get out of here please I am begging I belong in other reality",Suicidal +25572,I feel totally empty ! At 55 wife ghosted on me she keeps hoovering dropping bread crumbs my employer does not respect me everybody wants something from me but nobody wants to give everybody wants to take I woke up this morning feeling empty completely hopeless numb and sad! It just seems like nothing's going right in my life anymore. I have always been a caring giving loving person. I am not suicidal but there are days that I would just wish that I did not wake up and have to do with this world. My friends are not even available anymore I do not have any family I have my dogs but my older dogs she is not well. I cannot keep up on my bills I am just tired and just really really tired Empty,Depression +25573,Found my new low being homeless at 19 I am homeless i locked my keys in my car this morning I am sure anyone on here knows small things set you off I called m grandmother who I live with and she got mad at me that I needed her I did not say sorry for waking you up and I called my girl to get my extra key witch she did not find I do not know where it is so my car is still locked so my grandma says I am selfish I only care about what people do for me even though Iv been helping her with her falls and injures the past couple months i said fuck you out of anger for saying that to me after all I done for her and she said I got to leave her house so now I am homeless and I have a felony case pending on my head so I am going to find some pills get my handle of liquor and drink till I pass out and eventually die I am sorry to any family member that sees this I just cannot keep going on I want to die so badly I am sorry Adriana you could not help me no one could please do not think its your fault Help,Suicidal +25574,"Hello to whoever's reading this. Just a little something about me:HI, I am Noah- I am 15 years old. I live in a place outside of a city called Manchester in the North-West of England. I do not have any hobbies, I just sit in my bedroom all day. Bored- wondering if this life is even worth living anymore. Where I live is dull and depressing. I live in a small box house, shit weather nearly all year round, it is not particularly clean. People do not seem to have a smile on their faces at all. My parents are both clueless and do not understand how I feel when I gain the courage to come out to them about my emotions. The old activities I used to do no longer interest me. Gaming, photography, going to watch a Football team called Manchester City play, going on walks. I sometimes drink or cut to relive some of the pain but everything just seems black and white. Everyone else's life seems so much better than mine. Everyone seems to have hobbies, success, wealth, loving and understanding parents / family, very rare occasions where they are in a bad mood.My girlfriend (Farrah) has helped me through my depressive episodes.Just a little about her: she is 15 years old. She lives in the US, Tennessee. In a huge house with a large, loving/ supportive family. Her and her family is full of success. She has hobbies like basketball and softball, she is very sociable and understanding, she is going to the best high school in her state. she is very lucky to live the life she has but I think she just takes it for granted. She is so precious and beautiful. she is perfect to me. She is the reason I am still alive today. Sometimes, (possibly due to my depression) at an instant I can just- Turn off- even at little triggers or at random sometimes. I feel my emotions can sometimes hurt her due to her living such a perfect / ideal lifestyle. She already had a car by the time she was 14 so I guess that puts it into perspective how amazing her life is. We both live in completely different areas, we are opposites in personality so I just sometimes think she does not understand what its like to be me. When I cut myself. it hurts her. When I drink. It hurts her. When I talk to her about my emotions, she says it does not hurt her but deep down I feel it does- I do not want to be the one ruining her mood or life when it is absolutely perfect to me. I do not want to spoil that for her. I just really need help. I cannot stop worrying about how I am possibly affecting her. I need to find ways to stop making shit so boring, I just need help because I do not see myself living any longer with these kinds of emotions affecting me. I need a way to find the colour in life.Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Sorry if this did not make sense or if it sounded rushed. I just wanted to get it out there and for someone to listen to. Thank you. Why is everything so boring, dull and meaningless?",Depression +25575,"I feel like trash to say the least. I dropped out of university last year, I quit my job yesterday after only a month because I could not do it anymore, I am severely depressed (about this and everything else) and it feels like everyone is screaming at me you are a failure, you cannot do anything... and i feel like a burden to everyone. I am 24 now and I have accomplished nothing since I finished high school. I am so done, I am on the verge of crying 24/7 and keep having nightmares. Everyone keeps telling me that life is hard for everyone and so on but that does not help me, it just makes me more depressed. Can someone relate? I do not know what to do. I keep wishing I was dead but I do not want to kill myself because deep down I still have hope that someday I might find a life I am happy with. But I do not know how to get there, I have no energy left in me. I feel so useless, depressed and like a burden to everyone around me, how do I continue from here?",Depression +25576,Hes excellent and will be perfect in the public inpatient unit but hes been such an amazing support for me. I am kind of in mourning. I have never had such an attentive and understanding psychiatrist. I am a bit lost. I hope I can find someone who can be slightly as competent. My psychiatrist is leaving me,Depression +25577,"Hello there,I feel genuinely stressed all the time and i cannot explain it properly as i am not comfortable about it but i cannot stop being triggered by the smallest things linked to my childhood (one of them being WWE as my biological father loves WWE) and i tried to explain it to someone close to me recently and they said these exact words ""it is funny how i have depression and now all of a sudden now you have it"" and it is really cut deep into my brain today. It just feels like whenever i open up to people i consider family and friends IRL, they just push me away and then because I feel like I am melting, I end up leaking my feelings and thoughts on social media where it gets screenshotted and used against me and like I really cannot handle this stuff anymore. I screwed up my one chance I had to go to university thanks to losing intrrest in my college course thanks to losing my great-grandfather and I just fell so hard and if I am honest with the exception of a few months in late 2019-early 2020, I have not really ever got over it.Another thing that has made me angry is that imy coping mechanism for severe depression (eating) has now became my because of it, it is fucking unfair and I am so fed up with it. I am 22 years old and feel like no matter what happens, i am always going to be unemployed, always going to be lonely and always going to be living with my mother and never actually do anything with myself. Feeling Depressed All The Time",Depression +25578,"I guess this is my suicide note.So my name is Yasir Hanif. I use the alias Daniel Steel because I have been using it since 2015 and think it is cool. I am Muslim. I am also homosexual. I am 17 years old - i was born in 13 September 2003 - and I have decided that death is only the last option for me.Life has been pretty fucked up since 2021. I hear people say that 2020 was bad but i had no problem at all during that time and was relatively happy. 2021 was really bad. My life is destroyed. I have nothing left. we are middle class citizens in a 3rd world country and it is awful. I used to live in a foreign country and it was awesome there. its been 6 years now since i moved back. This year was so awful i do not have any reason to live anymore. first i lost a cousin. After that i lost my aunt to covid. one month later i lost my grandma. she died 2 weeks ago.I am a 12th grade student. i wanted to be a gamedev. my father hates my life. i did not tell him that i want to be a gamedev. i just told him i wanted to go in the computer field. he forced me into biology in 9th grade. then he forced me into pre engineering in 11th. i was begging him that i want to study computer but he is not happy about it. he hates my decisions. I hate myself. my father is very controlling. i am honestly glad he works in a foreign country. but he is coming back and he will fuck me up. i do not love my self either. I am 17 and I am only 5'1. I am overweight as well. i am pretty good in school and get very good grades. but my father just fucks me up every time.everyone in my family thinks I am a loser. they tell me I am worthless because i do not play sports or have any friends. they never understand me and often criticize me. they are right in thinking i am disgusting.its taboo to be homo here. when i was 14 i figured i was homo. i was stupid. this kid kept hitting on me. one day before school started he told me to follow him. he took me to the bathrooms and raped me. then he told me that he would tell everyone if i said anything. he told half the class. i was harassed every day in school. after 10th grade his friend threatened me and took me to his house. he would do this every week. i was forced to have sex with him a lot. i never told this to my parents. nobody knows I am homo. i endured that man for 2 years. he left my town a couple of months ago. i cried in the bathroom after that.high school was great. i loved 11th grade and i was so happy. then covid came. still, i was fine. then this bullshit happened. i have my final exams in 5 days. and I am going to fail.I have never failed in final exams in my entire life. but this year i will. classes never happened. in the last three months i started to go to a tutor. it was a lockdown here but nobody ever bothers to follow guidelines. but it was not enough. i do not know anything this year. I am not going to get good grades. my father will disown me and throw me out of the house. he will not pay for my college. he is been mentally abusing me so much. he kept telling me that he would not pay for college if i did not get a scholarship. and hes a man of his word. he will not do it.so I have decided on a plan.i know my paper is not going to be great. if by gods miracle it is, then i will stay. if not, then i will jump off the roof of my house. I have recorded a suicide note on my phone. maybe my parents will see it.i know nothings going to get better. my entire life i longed to have a friend. just becuase I am introverted does not mean i do not want friends. but no one will be my friend. I am just scum and i always will be. my little baby sister is the reason i eat and sleep and live. but i do not want her to have a useless brother. she will have to live with a complete mess that is me. people will mock her for it. i will not let that happen.so I am going to kill myself. if you read this then thank you. do not stop me. i just hope to god that none of my family members ever find this post. i do not want them to be even more disgusted than they already are.bye. My plans",Suicidal +25579,"I, 24M am a fat stout(5'7) balding piece of shit who has a traumatic injury to the left eye and degeneration related changes in the right. Along with my childhood diagnosis of ADHD, for quite a long time, I have lost the will to live on. cannot hurt myself because it would hurt my parents but the desire to be alive and do anything worth at all keeps on lowering down further and further like drowning into a bottomless pool with light eventually fading out. The numbness is both painful and comforting at the same time.I am in a field which I love and respect and cannot complain having fared the pandemic relatively easier in comparison what horrors others have faced. Feels most the time I do not even exist. Just a substance less body floating through space goalessly. How do I regain this ever escaping will to do something, or anything with my life and actually feel something other than this mindless pain? It feels like I have lost something important a very long time ago essential for the desire to keep moving ahead and cannot seem to relocate it. The voids keeps sucking back into misery no matter how hard I try.",Depression +25580,"And the most infuriating thing is that a lot of people refuse to acknowledge it. They act surprised when I feel hopeless, but honestly, how can you be cheerful and motivated when you keep losing ever and ever ? Nobody can find a game fun when they lose relentlessly despite doing their best. In such a situation, people usually rage-quit the game. Unfortunately, life is not a game one can easily rage-quit. Life is definitely the hardest game ever",Depression +25581,"it is been over 10 fucking years. They said oh you will grow out of it etc blah blah but things have just gotten worse. I am physically disgusting and ruined, my health is ruined, I cannot eat anything. My face is old and ruined and manly looking. I hate my body and how ugly and ridiculous it looks. I wish I never had sex I am so disgusting. it is such a joke that I thought I could pretend to act like a normal person. I am hideous and disgusting and I am tired of this shit",Suicidal +25582,"Today was my birthday, and I could not stop thinking about hurting myself. Had a horrible panic attack 10 minutes into break and ended up leaving my friends to sit in a toilet cubicle alone all lunch. I used to self harm years ago, but it is not a significant aspect of my life at all anymore. Now things have been getting really bad, the urges are here again. I have barely been eating, sleeping either 12 hours or not at all, only attending a few classes a week, being generally reckless on purpose.Its like my brain is on autopilot, I do not have the energy to be fully present anymore. I am exhausted, trying so hard not to spiral. Urges when things get bad",Depression +25583,"My grandparents are going to drug test me so I have to stay sober for 6 months. I feel like everyone hates me, but I have literally no-one anyway. My heart has been torn out a million times. I am incapable of working a ""shitty job,"" I am struggling to do the work necessary to get through uni despite having rather large ambitions. And I decided today I want to try write fiction but here I am bullshitting and complaining on Reddit :( Jesus Christ I want to kill myself",Depression +25584,Being hospitalized is like being in jail they take your freedom away and if you do or say anything they do not like they will restrain you to a fucking mattress this has happened to me many times and every time It broke me more i was it the hospital for 9 months then 2 weeks then 43 days each time was hell i cannot live with this anymore i want to die Being hospitalized 3 times broke me,Depression +25585,"I am 20 years old i live in California and i can barely afford to make rent to the ROOM i am renting out. I feel like I am just poor because there is plenty of people around me doing very well for themselves with 5x my amount in bills and yet I am struggling with mine.I crave to live alone but i do not see a possible way to be able to afford a $1800+ rent payment alone, it blows my mind that so many people can afford that.My life is doomed already, i dropped out of hs and i fucking despise doing anymore construction like when i look at the bigger picture my life is over, i feel like such a waste of a human, there is so many better people that could do amazing things with the life i have and I am just waiting to die.How did this happen i never thought i would be the 20 year old failure but i am and the reality of it is eating away at me.had to rant a little ty for reading I am just poor?",Depression +25586,"Hello r/depression, 21M here, I have been meaning to create this post for a few days but have spent sometime collecting my thoughts before I proceed, my primary objective with this post is to see if anyone can relate and whether what I am feeling is 'normal' or something more.For some background, I was a relatively happy child with my most fond memories being around ages 10. For some reason around this age is permanently burnt into my mind, so vivid where as everything else is quite vague. If I really think back this is most likely the last time I felt true happiness in my eyes, just after my father & mother divorced so my mother, brother and I living together. Not that I personally feel like this had any major impact on me, just something to mention also.Up until 2017 which was my last year of high school things were okay, nothing that would really stand out. Just going through the motions like most teenagers I suppose, by no means was I a social butterfly or anything but I had a few friends with whom I would play WoW with after school / on weekends.February 2018 is when I can pinpoint the first time I felt the feeling of malaise. I remember it distinctly, sitting on the couch thinking ""wow this is really strange, maybe I am just tired. should just get an early night"". My family had gone on holidays and I was home alone so I narrowed it down to just being a bit lonely.\## There was some more background I was going to add, but I do not want to bore anyone and understand this is not a therapy session. ##Fast forward to 2019 / 2020, I started feeling this malaise more often maybe once or twice a month for a week or so. It sounds bizarre but I could feel it coming, my eyes start feeling heavy and I can feel pressure on my forehead. I would not say I feel sad at all, I just feel nothing or emptiness. My father passed away in 2019 and I felt nothing, so much so I felt obliged to put on an act so other people would not think I was a psychopath.Still at the time, it was not too hard to deal with as it would go after a week or so, October last year they seemed to become more intense and longer lasting. To where I took up smoking pot again to help, I work and have a lot of study outside of work so I stopped as I knew deep down what I should really be doing.As I see it now everything is so pointless, I do not enjoy anything anymore the only thing I really have to live for is my family and even then I do not really communicate. I just spend all my time inside my own head, an eternally one sided dialog to try and help with loneliness & emptiness.Even when I feel something, anything it puts me into a bad mood. Last time I can recount is walking past a KFC and the smell provoked some sort of feeling and then again I feel like shit. I do not even bother hanging onto anything for hope anymore, while studying I took a long break from gaming. What got me through was the thought of playing again, once I got there no enjoyment.I think sometimes life just is not for me, not everyone can enjoy or find value in everything.Is this me being overly sensitive, I understand there are people who have it worse than me but I just cannot shake this feeling of emptiness, loneliness, indifference, hopelessness.. I do not even know how to describe it, I am supposed to live for another 50 years, I just cannot see it happening. Is what I am feeling 'normal'? How do I proceed from here?",Depression +25587,Every day i wake up forcing myself to think of reasons life is worth living i resent myself waking up hoping that i just die in my sleep Resetting living,Suicidal +25588,I just really feel alone and hopeless -\_- I do not have anything much to say....,Depression +25589,"I have been trying to get help for awhile now and recently I went to hospital and they helped me a lot in planning what to do. But since this morning my GP has passed me to a mental health team which then passed me back to the GP, I have been on the phone all morning dealing with this while I had a whole plan to discuss this with my GP and resolve all this but it seems no one wants to listen to me and the only help I get is when I am in a desperate moment (being in the hospital). I just feel no one cares when I need help and only help when they see something has happened. Doctors are difficult to deal with (rant)",Depression +25590,its late and I have been standing on the roof of my building all night trying to get the courage to jump off but i just cannot do it. I am sitting on the edge hoping i lose my balance and falli can feel the wind on my legs and the sun is starting to rise. i wish i went through with it earlier so there would be less people on the street belowim so scared I am jumping off of my buildings roof,Suicidal +25591,"Sorry for the rant, but I just want to get it out and maybe get someone else's opinion.I feel like most things are messed up:* wealth inequality (fueled by technology, inheritance and corrupt politicians)* disinformation and lack of education - from antivaxers, QAnon but also average people not really understanding science, biology, technology, etc* high property prices in western world * for most places in Europe you need to cough up 10 years' worth of annual salary for a place to stay ([source]( technology fueling disinformation and mental health problems (see [Centre for Humaine Tech]( just feel like it is very difficult if you want to live a 'good' life:* want your own place to stay? Need to pay interest to the bank.* want to earn a lot so you do not have to take huge loan? Throw out your morals and work for Facebook or any other tech company that is making money from sucking the soul (read big data analytics and advertising) out of people.* want to live in a nice city? Contribute to inequality by renting.* want to go to somewhere not so expensive? Then you will face the following: * integrating in the society there as an expat (unless you only care about yourself). Good luck if you do not have people skills / are more introverted. * potentially higher corruption / lack of jobs / longer commute (which leads to other problems) / other hidden costsSo I ask... what other option is there? How is feeling depressed about this an irrational reaction?In any case, thank you for reading! Hope you are doing well! I feel like 99% of things are meaningless, immoral or just bad",Depression +25592,"Everyone around me is happy. I made a life choice to try and bring some happiness to those I love around me and now I am a big depressed mess. Every time I go to talk to someone about what I am feeling the conversation starts with how happy they are to be in a better place and thanks me for being apart of that. Knowing what they have been through and yes doing all I could to make sure they get to a better place, how can I ruin that? How can I tell them that their happiness came at a cost and every day I sit here sucking down all the crappy feelings. I know they would want to help me but its not easy to ask for knowing it will effect them in negative ways. Want to just hide",Depression +25593,Hoping to die real soon... Or kill myself Dead inside,Suicidal +25594,"I feel so relieved and at peace now, to be able to close my eyes for the last time, please understand I have tried to stay, more than you all know, to my long lost friend, maybe I will see you again one day, for now, goodbye. I know I am selfish, i cannot help it, I am sorry.",Suicidal +25595,"(I am on mobile)I have everything planned to stop existing. When to do it, where I have to go, how to do it, how to say goodbye. it is been in my mind for years, even when I thought I was doing better, maybe I was just fooling myself. My previous medication was too weak, but my physiatrist changed it at the beginning of the year and the new one could be useful for my plan. I just need to find the moment. But I cannot stop feeling scared. I know my boyfriend will not forgive himself. My family will not stop crying. My cats will not stop looking for me. My friends will not stop feeling sad. I will f* up everyone is lives, I know that, I know I will damage everyone.But I am... Too tired. I am tired of crying everyday, of feeling useless, like a broken piece inside a putrid machine. I hate this world. Social media is filled with hate and despair, society is breaking under crisis and inhumanity. I cannot change anything, I cannot even change myself! I am still the same depressed useless thrash as 10 years ago! I just do not see reasons to exist anymore. Maybe after Summer will be a good time. I will give everyone good memories with me before disappearing. The letter I will write for them will ask them to not feel guilty. Hopefully I will be forgotten in a few months. Everything's planned, but I am a coward.",Suicidal +25596,"Hey all, as the title suggests I have recently (last 3-4 months) been taking Citalopram. This is my first time being on Anti-Depressants. Anyway long story short, as an avid gamer I first started noticing my aim, reaction time and concentration starting to perish. Followed by troubles articulating words more than usual and now I am noticing that other little things are perishing a little and it could be anything, picking something up only to lose it a moment later, troubles using tools efficiently, kind of fumbling on the keyboard rather than instinctively hitting keys. Citalopram effecting my fine motor skills",Depression +25597,How do I sexually satisfy my partner if I am always suicidal or down mentally to even think about or want sex? Shit sucks Too depressed for sex,Suicidal +25598,"No intro, straight to the message on this one. I had a dream the other day. I was in a tall building with my parents, we all went to an event like a wedding or something. We were laughing and joking on the parking lot. We go upstairs on an elevator and get to the event. For some reason I had to go to the parking lot again, so I took the elevator again. The doors open on the first floor and I just see this beautiful young woman (around my age) with the most beautiful energy that I have ever witnessed. I did not knew her, but I needed her, no more and no less. She smiles to me and I smile back and I start a conversation with her. We both needed to go to the third floor (for some reason it was that specific floor), but the elevator did not worked. I asked if we could walk together and she smiles and says yes. We talk for what I felt like minutes but in reality we have spent a couple months together! I could just not believe it. We still not found the way up so I said to her: hey, what if we just go home? She thinks about it and says yes. O know were both scared but we still start going to the exit and we go to the street as we head home our home! We open the door, and our families are meeting each other because we were just married. I speak to my parents and she tells me to go to the bedroom when I am finished. I end up talking to my parents so I am headed to the bedroom, and she tells me to chill for a while with her so we cuddle in the bed. Then she tells me to check on you are daughter just in front of the bed. I check on her and she is the most beautiful thing I have seen just as her mother. We cuddle again. And there is when it hits me: it was like I have had the Titanic in the chest. I have realized that I had as much as I could ever asked for. I had a beautiful wife, had a daughter, a home, family I was happy, I had peace, I felt a fulfilled life. And just as I cuddle with her, close my eyes and tell her that I love her so i could be happy forever I woke upMy smart watch detects my sleep. I checked out as usual and during the REM phase my heartbeats went extremely lower than usual and i could not breath. This dream, this dream specifically almost kills me. I think it was the last part, I was going to simply give up. I had everything I wanted, I felt fulfilled as I always wanted to.I think there was a war inside me in that moment. The part of me that wants to give up ve the one that will do whatever it takes to survive for something better. And I almost lost. I am not sleeping with the watch anymore soTo anyone reading this: If I lose this battle against myself, do not worry for me because I was happy and fulfilled. In my last moments I experienced love, satisfaction and the peace that I needed for so long. I am with the ones that I am missing on this earth, catching up and taking care of my loved ones even from far away. If I die",Depression +25599,"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Everywhere I turn I get burned. I hate myself, I hate fucking people. I hate all the bitches who thought I was too unstable to be with them, when their love would have made me stable. Fuck myself for never being able to do anything. Fuck my grandparents for not letting me use drugs. Fuck regular jobs. Fuck covid. Fuck Dora the explorer. Fuck everything. Fuck my inability to find what I love and the drive to pursue it. Fuck my mum for being a drug addict and getting deported when I was 2. Fuck my dad for not letting me live with him because he cannot handle his marriage. Fuck my first ex for not taking me back. Fuck the government for not making all drugs free. Fuck my brain for not being happy. Fuck all the cunts who dipped on me. Fuck all the boring, basic cunts out there. Fuck people who cannot think you can achieve great things. Fuckkk",Depression +25600,"This is so fucking unfair, this is like the 3rd time I have tried to overdose and I STILL wake up alive, what the hell why",Suicidal +25601,"When I am dreaming, life is good and then I wake up to this nightmare. Just want to be at peace",Suicidal +25602,"yesterday i was discriminated against for the first time by my best friend (ex best friend) best friend since we were little .. telling me he does not want to go out with me anymore because i put my nail polish on. because he is ashamed of how I dress and what I wear. I have never felt so betrayed .. that is, we have been friends for 10 years and I did not expect this, especially after such a relationship. I felt like dying, I still do not believe it. I then identify myself as a woman. and he is ashamed because I look like a woman. but I just want to live my life .. dress as I want and put my nail polish so I do not bother anyone .. I have never felt so bad, so betrayed. I feel so depressed. i love you guys at reddit. discrimination",Depression +25603,"Like the title says, do t even really know what I am doing here. I was looking for ways to hang myself quickly and effectively and all I could find was fuckn suicide prevention bullshit. So I figured I would try reddit, so yea here I am, I know this is the wrong thread to look for help on offing my sorry ass but idk, I am still here typing this up on this thread, I guess it means I do not really want to do it but nah fuck that I am done man, I am fucking tired, I have no friends, no family, no safe home, I have lost my daughter, I have lost the person I ABSOLUTELY wholeheartedly love, I have multiple mental health disorders that I will have to battle forever, I screwed my future prospects when I was a teenager and decided to be a hard out criminal, I cooked meth, I pulled fraud constantly, I was violent (still am tbh), and between the ages of 17 and 22 I spent more time in jail than out, I am stuffed when it comes to getting employment, I have been trying to get a job since I was 19 and I am now 25 but with the mental health bullshit and the dodgy past its just a constant stream of rejections. I am currently living with the guy who raped me when I was 14 and homeless because my only other option atm is to continue to be homeless. I have asked for help and gotten counciling but tbh I feel even more shit now than before I started the counciling. My best friend of 5 years, who is also my ex as we dated for a couple years too but decided that we are better as friends, has started lying to me and blowing me off to hang with her new mates. After we ended our relationship and decided to be friends instead we grew closer than ever, for the last 3 years as friends we have chilled together at least 5 or 6 times a week and then a couple months ago she met a new crowd of people and since then she is just been blowing me off to hang with them instead, lying to me about being hospital when in fact she was out with her new friends at the pub, and it hurts like hell mostly coz I know the people she is hanging with, they are ex associates of mine, and they are only there with her coz she got money and cars that she let us people drive and she is attractive, and I know that eventually they will get bored and move on and she will be left behind it will hurt her and as much she is hurting me atm I still want to be there for here when the inevitable fallout happens. But I do not know if I will be there for her, hell I do not know if I am going to be here in the morning, I am really really tired, tired of struggling with my Asperger's Syndrome, tired of being a sociopath, tired of being a narcissist, tired of being in constant pain from my broken down, drug addled system, tired of being hurt and used by people, tired of struggling EVERY fucking day just to fit in with the crowd, to understand facial expressions, to know what the tone of a person's voice means, to be able to look people on the eye, tired of not understanding what emotions I am feeling and why, tired of not being able to relate to other people, tired of being angry about it all, tired of being sad about it all and I am tired of being tired. I thought maybe getting all this shit written out might help me want to keep going but yea nah, I feel just as numb as I did beforehand. I guess I just hope someone gets a kick out of reading this or something. I am tired, goodnight errybody, hope life treats you all better than it did me. Idk bro.....do not even really know why I am here, I have made my mind up",Suicidal +25604,"This post is pretty much me trying to put abstract thoughts into words, so this may not make much sense or be in a logical order.I cannot make any sense of my thoughts or emotions. For as long as I can remember my general mood has been following a set pattern, where for a few months my emotions would generaly be happier and the next few months sader. It would not be an extreme difference, but noticeable at night while trying to sleep. Since I started high-school (2019) every few ""cycles"" there is a period of about a month where I feel sader than a normal ""sad period"". I originally attributed this to the increased stress and left it at that. But midway though the great year that was 2020 I began having a small, very faint feeling that I just did not want to exist anymore. This was during a particularly bad ""sad period"". This would because alarm bells to ring in anyone, but I knew I would not act on these thoughts due to my life philosophy. My general approach to life is to impact other people's lives positively, and to try and limit any/all negative impact. Now here is the main problem with everything. I will not tell anyone like my parents I have had any form of suicidal thoughts, because that would because them pain, and if I did act on it, then they would feel like they failed and should have done more. It would because them guilt that they did not see anything before. I just do not want to risk them being hurt. For that same reason I cannot risk hurting them if I act. So I cannot do anything.Now I have just left my current period of sad, so I feel I have the ability to prosses my thoughts a bit more rationally. This period felt worse, and for about a week I could not draw my attention away from the feeling.But I might not be REALLY suicidal (like I said, bad order) because almost every time I imagined or dreamed myself jumping off a building there was always someone else there, trying to talk me out of it. This is what confuses me, and why I cannot tell if I am really depressed/suicidal or this is just some twisted attempt my subconscious is devising to draw peoples attention to me.I would never attempt anything currently, I do not want to hurt anyone around me. But I am just worried if the current trend continues I do not know what I might do.Because I have no idea if I am blowing nothing out of proportion I have not told anyone. I will not drag anyone else into my issues. Councilors would tell my parents due to the potential severity.So to summarize, I might be depressed yet cannot act on it, or I could be not and just attention seeking. I do not know if putting my thoughts here is also me just attention seeking. I just do not know.Can anyone relate to or prosses these thoughts better than I can?Am I mentally ok? I cannot make any sense of my thoughts or emotions",Depression +25605,I had cbt yesterday. My brother was angry because I did not want to talk about what feelings I discussed. He said he would not leave me alone until I answered. I do not want to talk about what feelings I discussed. He was saying how next time I should record the meeting and that they are pushing my mom out because she cannot sit in for the whole hour. My therapist said that I talk more in person when my moms not there and so he told me I should say less. I hate my life,Depression +25606,"I started having suicidal thoughts as a teenager, I am 23 now, sometimes these thoughts just stop for a while when everything is going good but they always come back. When i was young, i thought they will probably just stop sooner or later but they never really go away you know what sucks? there is no point in discussing or sharing it with someone. they will never understand. Heck they would probably blame you for having these thoughts. If you have ever battled with these, do they ever stop? Does it ever stop?",Suicidal +25607,I am giving up on myself I do all this stuff to be better and keep failing over and over again why even bother trying I am done trying to self Improve,Depression +25608,"my family and boyfriend would be sad but my boyfriend would eventually find another girl toy. my father would definitely be devastated though and id never want to do that to him, so i feel unsure. and god also put me on this earth so i feel bad for taking a life someone else did not get to have for granted. idk. its complicated. i want to kill myself but i am unsure",Suicidal +25609,I had cbt yesterday. My brother was angry because I did not want to talk about what feelings I discussed. He said he would not leave me alone until I answered. I do not want to talk about what feelings I discussed. He was saying how next time I should record the meeting and that they are pushing my mom out because she cannot sit in for the whole hour. I hate my life,Suicidal +25610,I am probably doing it this week. The rope's been sitting in a box in my room and I have just been waiting for things to quiet down a little so i can finally do it. But I am scared I might fail or that I might get caught in the middle of doing it. I will probably set something up in the attic or at our backyard but I am really nervous about it failing idk what to do i cannot fail What if i fail,Suicidal +25611,"I have dealt with depression and anxiety quite bad for the past few years (I am 18f) and as a result I feel like I am quite behind in life I guess. I left school early to do a beauty course which I enjoyed and thought I would like to go into that industry but towards the end of it I completely lost interest which negatively impacted my mental health, then I worked in a hair salon just as an assistant for 6 months and I finished there about a year and a half ago now and have not worked since. Since I finished the course I did, I have not been able to find any sort of career that interests me for longer than a few months which just really puts me in a rut by not being able to decide on something and formulate a plan to work toward. It also feels like I let myself down. I have pretty much been living life by myself since I finished school as I do not really have many hobbies or any friends to really talk to or hang out with, and as a result of this I never leave the comfort that is my room and its really hard for me to go out anywhere in public. One thing that I think would benefit me greatly would be getting a job but I just can never seem to keep any positive thoughts towards finding one, in the last two months I have applied to about 5 (which takes a lot of effort for me to do) and not heard back, but the day after I apply I end up having a major panic attack over it and hoping I do not get a call back because the thought of going to an interview is terrifying to me (and I am sure a lot of others). I have spoken to my mum about my worries and she is very supportive of me which I am very grateful for and she helped work on my resume for me and explained my skills and things to me but even with this support its still so hard to find something. I found a reception job which seems like an alright thing for me to do and I have written a cover letter for it but I have talked myself out of applying and can start to feel the negative thoughts tumbling around me already. Its hard to find something as I have very minimal experience and do not want to work more than 25 hours a week (I know I am picky). This might seem like a silly thing to be distressed about but its a topic that has been my biggest worry for a while and I would like to be making money so I can help with bills and be able to have money to spend for myself, I have things that motivate me to want a job but I just feel so stuck and like I cannot make myself take any steps to actually move forward. Its something that if I have not been keeping on top of supporting myself, I end up spiralling and having a breakdown over and getting very worked up about. I am not sure if any of that really makes sense of what I am trying to say but I am just so over feeling this way and being afraid of something so simple as applying for a job. I think its more what comes after I have applied like getting a phone call for an interview and then what questions Ill be asked at the interview and meeting new people, and then if I do get the job what if I mess it up or do not like it? I think that a part of me holds myself back because I am scared to be doing normal life things, I stay home pretty much everyday and do not really do much other than be in bed and read or watch tv, so its scary to think about going out and having something to do even if it is only a few days a week. My apologies for the long post but Id really appreciate any advice or something, even just if anyone has felt/feels anything similar. kind of a rant? I feel stuck and do not know how to move forward.",Depression +25612,"People say that you need to at least try, and if you failed, you know you have tried and there is nothing to regret over. But is not it worst when you try just to find out that you cannot, after all? Aka leaving you to feel more helpless and hopelesss Hm?",Suicidal +25613,Been doing quite well in a course that I took up but now I cannot seem to think and everything is too much like. I have been struggling to finish an assignment which should be easy for me but I just cannot seem to focus or come with any ideas with so much going on in my mind.I feel so frustrated and incompetent. I also feel that others are way ahead of me no matter how good I was until this time. I am afraid I am relapsing into those difficult times yet again. Feeling dumb,Depression +25614,"i do not know what to do, nothing makes me happy and i feel like absolute garbage. i have started cutting way more. for some reason i had this issue last year on this same month. july is when my self harming spiked last year and this year as well. i do not know if this is a weird coincidence but yeah. i have fell into a suffocating depression",Depression +25615,"My roommate and I use to date but we broke up a couple of months after we moved in together. We get along fine and are still good friends. But only after 2 weeks of our break up, she already moved on and found someone to call her bf. I am fine with her breaking up with me. It just hurts that she is already dating and it makes me feel like we never had love to begin with. She tries to give me help and advice about love but then she contradicts herself by doing something that is the opposite of what she told me. It makes me question if I was truly loved or if I will ever be able to form a relationship with someone. And she wants me to talk to her bf when she brings her over. He is a nice guy and I there is nothing wrong with. I just do not want to talk to him because of the situation with me and my roommate.And it just makes it even more awkward when she asks me to leave the apartment for a while so they can fuck when she knows damn well I have nowhere to go. She is a good friend and her bf is good person, but fuck I cannot stand their relationship. My roommate is messing with my view on love.",Depression +25616,"I feel like everyone around me has left or is leaving me, the only friends I have left are moving far away and the person I want to be with most I cannot get in contact with. I have had so much go on lately I cannot keep it up any longer I do not know where to go from here Everyone is leaving me",Depression +25617,Someone please talk to me I desperately need help,Suicidal +25618,"This my SECOND attempt in a month and failed again.Same as the last time. Nausea, vomiting, shaking, then pass out. I do not have the balls to do it even though I know it is much better to do it instead of living.I told my friends about one of my biggest secrets so hopefully I do it this time. But here I am, nothing but a pussy and a failure.My biggest wish is someone killing me, or dying in my sleep somehow.90% of my day is just staring at the ceiling, exhausted mentally and physically.Even when I try to sleep I have some nightmares. Either flashback to my attempt, or me and people I love dying.When will this end. I do not know if I will ever do it and finish it all.I am sorry to admit, but I feel jealous and proud at the same time of people committing suicide. I think they are one of the bravest people out there. I cannot. I just cannot do it",Suicidal +25619,"I am a 17 year old guy with depression and autism.I had my first job interview today for some work during the summer holiday and it did not go well. It took a lot of effort and motivation from my family to even set up and go to this interview. Now I do not have any motivation to keep trying to get a job. Which makes me stressed about the future, because how can you live without a job. That in turn makes me even more depressed and suicidal, because why not kill yourself if live is not going to work out anyways. How do people keep going",Depression +25620,"What does anyone do when they realize that they have had a negative impact on everyone they have met in their life? When you realize that the problem is YOU. You suck. All of your family and friends have left you and you are completely alone, because they say you SUCK. ?",Depression +25621,"Downloaded a game just so I could play with my friends, I ranked up, did that for days, to a week, and just when I talk to them while I was playing, all I got were oks and dots, crap that made me frown quickly. I clicked off the window right fast and contemplated what the fuck was I doing really. What am I doing? Jesus Christ what in the fuck am I doing. Playing a game for the sake of someone is presence",Depression +25622,I really need someone to talk to. I do not know what to do. I feel alone right now. I am scared shitless. I am waiting for a call from my doctors office I am a few hours to see what the tumor is after I had a CT scan yesterday. There is a possibility that it could be cancerous. Both of my parents have had cancer in their 40s so I am worried. I am a year old 20 girl and my doctor just found a tumor,Depression +25623,"First time in months. Normally I avoid the scale because it messes with my head but in this case not keeping on top of my intake and lack of fucking exercise means I gained back what little I lost. Yet again, destined to be fat. No wonder no one wants me. Weighed in today",Depression +25624,"I am 15, my dad is never home (and my mom is in a different state), the city is 2 hours away, and i do not have any form of transport.I am not diagnosed, but I have felt incredibly sad, angry, and done with everything for years.I had a horrible childhood, my mom was horribly abusive, both mentally and physically, i never had any friends, quite literally, because of how scared of people i am, and school has put even more of strain on my mental health. Even with good grades.My mom has diagnosed BPD and depression. My sister has diagnosed bipolar 2, social anxiety, ptsd and depression, so what are the chances of me having these same problems?I want to go somewhere to try and find out what is wrong with me, get a diagnosis for SOMETHING, and at least try to figure out my problems, but i have no way to do so.Should i try and convince my dad to drive me into the city? I have insurance. At this point all i need to do is have someone else help me is it worth it? My dad is incredibly busy with work, he never gets time off. I do not even know if there is something wrong with me at all, but a self diagnosis will not do anything. I feel like not knowing for sure is making it worse Is it worth it to try and figure out if something wrong with me?",Depression +25625,"Unfortunately in the great you.S. of A., one needs a solid job with benefits to be able to take off one day, or even one morning, in order to see a doctor. These jobs are getting harder and harder to come by, even if you are fortunate enough to have a bachelors or masters degree. For those who are simply unable to afford the time or money it takes for one day off to see doctors, what do those of us who have that ability have to offer as advice? Or what has helped those reading who do not have the abilities to seek professional help? Say someone is dealing with severe PTSD, depression, anxiety, no longer has a will to live, or make connections with people. The typical response is therapy and doctors, but many people just simply do not have access. TLDR; When you do not have access to mental health help, what do you do? What advice do YOU have that could help someone (ASIDE from doctors, therapy, psychiatrist)? cannot afford to see a therapist or psychiatrist",Depression +25626,Why are there not places that have suicide pods for people like me? I just want to die... Wish I could just stop existing,Suicidal +25627,"I am so in love with the idea of being loved and loving someone. Having someone who is ready to sacrifice their lives for you... you can go home and spend the best hours of your entire day just being in the same place with this special someone. When I get rejected by people I think that love me, I get extremely sad and feel heartbroken and betrayed altough rejecting someone is very OK. I dunno why man, I am like this... But since the last few years I have been completely alone and the thought of losing my battle against depression, killing myself and naturally dying alone have always haunted me. What can I do to cope a little?sorry if inappropite subreddit. how to cope with extreme loneliness and constant social rejection if I am a hopeless romantic.",Suicidal +25628,"Hi, anyone and everyone who might see this. Do you ever just sleep and sleep and no matter how much or how little you may get, you are just so tired?I am sitting here at work and it hits me full force that I am *so* tired. I am not just tired in that I am not sleeping, but that I am tired of everything. Of seeing, hearing, speaking, feeling.I am tired of existing. I am tired of not being understood, I am tired of having to constantly explain myself. I am so, *so* fucking tired. I am a hairs width from just giving up and letting myself give in to darker thoughts. I do not want to be here anymore. I do not want to exist. I did not ask to be born. I am So Tired of Everything",Depression +25629,"I am so in love with the idea of being loved and loving someone. Having someone who is ready to sacrifice their lives for you... you can go home and spend the best hours of your entire day just being in the same place with this special someone. When I get rejected by people I think that love me, I get extremely sad and feel heartbroken and betrayed altough rejecting someone is very OK. I dunno why man, I am like this... But since the last few years I have been completely alone and the thought of dying alone have always haunted me. What can I do to cope a little?sorry if inappropite subreddit. how to cope with extreme loneliness and constant social rejection if I am a hopeless romantic.",Depression +25630,"My depression has turned me into a she will of the person that I (22F) once was. I have been through several episodes of severe clinal depression.I used to consider myself very intelligent. I was a gifted student, winning awards and ranking in the 99th percentile on standardized tests. Now I am in community college struggling to pass the same courses I took at an AP equivalent years ago. Perhaps most alarmingly, I cannot learn anything new. I try and I try to retain what I take in, but the honest truth is that I have cheated on most of my coursework.Aside from my deteriorating intelligence, I was unbelievably creative. I used to draw, write- create-with such a level of detail and vividness I was consistently told my art and writing felt real and touched people at the core. Its been 7 months since I have seriously tried to draw anything. Longer since I have written.Also, just generally I am slow in conversations. This is something I noticed develop during quarantine. I started living alone for the first time in my life after a breakup. Now I say utterly /dumb/ shit when I do speak to people- its like I have no filter and my brain is at 10% operating power. This has made it difficult for therapy to be effective, because I am so self-conscious about how I communicate.I am terrified. If this is the course of my life- I do not want it. If I am stagnating, to solve this, I feel I need to go on some sort of journey to find the lost parts of me, or at least a place where I feel more at peace.I try to practice mindfulness, but without fail I prioritize work and school- which stress me immensely- the 2 things my psychologist recommended I throw myself headlong into. It does not work for me though. I need time in a day to just exist, I cannot be mentally stimulated all the time- its exhausting.I have one close friend. I do not see him more than once a week on average. Hes busy with 3 jobs. I would love to have more friends, but I never seem to connect with people anymore.Why am I like this? And is there any advice you can offer? Help",Depression +25631,Just some 26 year old lonely dude. Getting really tired of it. I just want someone to cuddle with or I cannot do this. I am lonely and nobody seems to really care,Suicidal +25632,"- was broken up with over text- sent hate mail via email and text from my ex and his friends - stayed on the phone with my toxic friendfor hours because she was sad (I know this sounds wrong, but half the sad stories she was telling me was after I told he",Depression +25633,"I fell in love with this girl, I have not opened up about my feelings about her already.I do not want to.She far younger than me. I am 28 and she is 21. She has friends and dreams, while I am a rotting husk of a human being. No actual talents, only issues and self hatred. I feel the love between us could be anything but a good relationship. I never experienced a woman's love. I have been hurt so many times by people around me I find it difficult to open myself up.I only have sensitivity and some sort of empathy, which most of the times, is so overwhelming I have to shut it from the inside and repress it. I want her to be happy, I want to see her smile and listen to her laugh. My presence can only poison her soul. I fear, once she gets to know me, all these beautiful traits will fade, like a painting left under the rain. She truly deserves to be happy, alone or with someone else. She deserves better.",Suicidal +25634,This is too much. Everyday i am getting weaker and weaker. I do not know how much longer I am going to be doing this. I cannot do this anymore. There is no help. Life sucks. One day I will murder Life. I will murder it. This pain,Depression +25635,Anyone else feel the same? I am from Malaysia btw I hate my own country.,Depression +25636,I am 17 and looking forward to literally nothing in my life. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up I just want to go,Depression +25637,Life without gaming sucks I wish I never touched games I really wish its a big shame 40% of my native languages I do not understand no social skillsSo in future I might stab my self in the veins I cannot just go ahead and cut my veins with a razor I hate it so I thought stabbing would be nic3 Mentally in pain emotionally in pain,Suicidal +25638,I am just trying to hold everything together but i cannot. this shit sucks and i dunno what to do. I am so scared and alone it feels like I am drowning and no one cares i could just die right now and no one would care. i feel so lost and alone,Suicidal +25639,"Currently separating from my partner and the thought of not seeing my daughters (5 and 2) every day and money worries seem overwhelming today. I do not want to die I know how much its harm my girls but things just feel like too much at the moment.I have struggled with my mental health for a long time. I often feel angry and bitter about things that have happened in the past particularly towards others that bullied me between the ages of 4 and 10, as well as the teachers and other staff that ignored it. I have tried talking therapies, mindfulness, etc. nut nothing seems to work these negative feelings regularly take over my mind and I struggle to think about anything else.Has anyone experienced anything similar? Did you find anything that helped? Many thanks in advance. Separation and controlling, hurtful and intrusive thoughts",Suicidal +25640,"I have two friends, A and B, A told me to watch anime and I watched Attack on Titan. I watched it and I got into anime, then after that anime was not for fun anymore. B got mad because I watched an anime faster than him and then he tried to finish it faster and he floated in it. He watched Meruem vs Netero in front of guests his hated father got invited into. A started hiding anime from me and B. Then he comes every three months to do a of hidden anime. So B got mad and never played with us again and he started to watch anime so much that he became a 70 year old. Me and A left him and then he did not care. He kept watching more and more anime. Then we came back to him with 30 anime. We started watching anime on Zoom so that no one can take the crown of having the most anime watched but then we made it as an excuse. Then we are now leaving each other to watch anime. I cannot live like this anymore. I cannot live knowing that I did not watch as much anime as them. I want to die. Bye. Should I Do It?",Suicidal +25641,"I was prescribed 5mg as an adjuvant for venlafaxine, but it did not help and made me hungry all the time (and my appetite before was normal).I started by taking 2.5mg for a week, then 5mg for 6 weeks, and before stopping I was on 2.5mg for a week (overall 2 months).The first week after stopping I had reduced appetite. After that, my appetite went down to 0 and has been like this for 2 weeks. Not even my daily mirtazapine (45mg) managed to give me appetite (and it used to before).How much longer would I have to deal with this? I have never been prescribed a med that fucked me up so long after stopping it, especially not after only taking it 2 months (and I have been prescribed *a lot* of different meds). How long do olanzapine withdrawal symptoms last?",Depression +25642,"Severe physical, emotional, psychological abuse, PTSD, addiction, depression, s*****al ideation, self-infliction and multiple attempts for a culmination of 15 years. I have read Reddit for many years but made very few posts, so I hope maybe by the end of this something will come of it that may help another reader. After over a decade of struggling and being afraid to come forward, I finally started seeing a doctor, therapist, and psychiatrist about a year ago. Two days ago was the 1-year anniversary of when my siblings found me hanging and cut the rope. I have tried so many medications, multiple therapists, and different new-age attempts at rewiring my brain through the psychiatrist. I still feel as though I know nothing, despite being in my final semester of a bachelors degree. If you asked me anything from any class I have taken, I could not tell you a thing. On paper though, it looks as if I have passed everything with As. I feel as though I cannot retrieve any memories, cannot formulate any conversation, and have no desire to make friends. I just want to be alone. Recently I can feel that I am falling back into the black. My thoughts dwell on my longing for death to peacefully take me away from all of this pain. The people around me view me as stupid, a klutz, an idiot, I have even had people tell me they thought I was r*tarded or mentally handicapped before. I often wonder if I am, and if people are playing along with me. In my heart and soul I know something is wrong with my brain, I just do not know what it is. And doctors refuse to listen. I feel myself falling back into wanting to hurt or because pain. Wanting to indulge in darkness. I do not know what to do. The doctors, psychiatrist, and therapist are not available when I can see them, and their responses have basically been Oh well, guess you do not want to see us bad enough. I have no money and cannot afford to take one day off to see them. I feel like I have exhausted all branches of help. TLDR; PTSD, anxiety, depression, addiction, used therapy, doctors, and medication, falling back to depression and su**idal ideation. What helps you? You, reading this, personally? What suggestions do you have that might help someone falling back into the pits of despair and hopelessness? Thank you Falling slow-motion off the ladder back into the dark abyss",Depression +25643,I do not want to do this I cannot do this my mind is shot to shit I cannot think clearly or process my feelings or emotions properly I am terrified all the time I cannot do this I cannot its too strong for me. I do not want to do this anymore help me please help me end it,Suicidal +25644,now that I am planing my way to end my life I kind of stopped feeling like shitlike I know this hell is going to end soon so is kind of a reliefI actually want to try to experience something good in my last days so that my last thoughts do not be thinking about my pathetic life but it would be a shame if I become numbedidk I am probably not making any sense but all these years of deprrssion have consumed me and now I am just empty emptiness/ numbness?,Depression +25645,"I am here to voice out what is inside my mind, because I really have no one to tell. I have been suffering with depressing thoughts ever for almost two decades and this is the only way I can vent out. I hope you guys find solace in this. Here I am breaking down staring at my monitor for the voices of constant suicide does not stop for it is increasing it is magnitude the longer I feel this. This numbing pain is the worst part as it eats away every bit of sanity I have left. Day 1 of 365 days of suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +25646,Everyone around me is happy and in love and shit. And another year goes by where I am not. Again and again and again it is always the same. I hate living alone. Life's not worth it alone. I am never not going to be alone and I cannot handle that.,Suicidal +25647,"My mom was my only other teammate in life. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. She was 57, and I am 28. No father. I am alone. I am stressed from life, loss, and handing her things without a will. One other person close to me; spends time with me but not present in my mess with me. Unable to be communicated with currently. Its been almost 2 months and I somehow feel worse than I did the week of her death. I have a lot of regrets about our relationship. I know I am only human, but she deserved more in life than what she got and I should have given more. I hate knowing that after all of her life, she went back to the nothingness that we were in before we were born. I do not want to die because I think Ill be reunited with her. I want to die because I will not be without her anymore.I am 4 days shy of not having SHd for 1400 days. I am struggling tonight. Alternatively, I want to drive away from the city and turn off my phone for a day. Stop being a mourning daughter, an invisible girlfriend, a tired pet parent of ill animals, a lawyers client, and executor, etc. I truly believe Ill take myself out one day. Maybe Ill give myself the same amount of time as she had. Sometimes, I just do not see how I can make it that long, though. I do not know how I can love the same things I loved before she passed. What did I even love? I foolishly gave a lot of my heart to others. that is about it. I do not have the energy. I do not want advice or solutions. Thank you for reading. My mom died. I am finding it difficult to keep living.",Suicidal +25648,"I know nobody likes me. No one comes over to talk to me. No one asks how I am doing. When I try to talk to people all of my words come out in some fucked up pattern, and then they look at me like I am a fucking moron, which I am. I cannot stand being me anymore. I hate being such a loser and a depressed fuck up. Everything I try to do ends up failing. All I want is for someone to at least LIKE me let alone love me for who I am. My friends have all gotten tired of me, and they do not respond to any of my texts, and most of them will just leave me on read or block me. They do not even just say yeah I just do not like you anymore you are just hard to be around. At this point I wish they would. I just want someone to talk to me. But they will not. what is the point of even being alive if you have no one? I just want to kill myself and save myself from the pain in my future. I guess that makes me a coward but if that means I am dead soon so fucking be it. I am just really sad and no one cares. I want to die everyday and its never going to stop. God help me. I just want someone to like me",Depression +25649,"I am diagnosed with depression (2016) (I am in therapy for it) and currently struggle with a couple symptoms of depression that freak me out because I do not feel depressed and or sad. I have anxiety as well. My symptoms are fatigue and dizziness basically constantly. My blood Is fine tho. I was wondering if its normal to experience symptoms when you do not actively feel depressed, stressed or sad. Its been like this for me for a couple months to a year now. Depression symptoms while not actively experiencing depression?",Depression +25650,"when people ask me if I am okay, i say yes. when people ask me how I am doing, i say good thank you.&#x200B;why is it so hard to admit the truth? but in the end it does not really matter how come it is so hard to say that you are not okay?",Suicidal +25651,"I am sickened by things. Repulsed. Most of them are memories of mine, thoughts of the future, realizations and insights throughout the day that just jolt me.I used to self harm and sometimes I suspect that my body never really stopped self harming- without a blade, my brain just figured out how to hurt itself, and now I just mentally stab myself as an impulse response to things.My life is a mess. I cannot control myself. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by a random thought that I will be paralyzed, in fetal position on the ground, for an hour or more. I have long, tedious calls with mental health care providers, answering question after question, none of it matters to me. Its like so disconnected from what is actually going on.I have day dreams, little impulsive thoughts, about being hacked to pieces. An axe swings down, takes off a piece of me. My bones break, my body crumples, but I do not even have the will to groan in pain or move. I am just totally resigned, maybe even grateful.By any sensical account my life is not only good but intensely privileged. It is a fluke of chemistry that I am the horrible creature that I am. I feel like a dog with a shock collar on but the collar is just part of me, and I cannot figure out what sets it off",Depression +25652,"Having the significant other you have loved for two years move away is sad enough as it is. However we would already been separated for most of our relationship because her parents hate me for ""making her gay."" So the only place I could even see her was at school. Now I am not going to see her at all. She promised me that we would spend more time together this school year, especially after the pandemic and the fact that she spent last year at a CTE school. But she is leaving. I am alone again. This hurts so badly... Why is she always leaving so I never have the chance to see her??? I wish I did not wake up today... My gf is moving away and I feel like dying",Suicidal +25653,I just watched this movie and felt really identified with 22 before going to earth. I also felt identified with Joe since he is alone and feels like a loser. Soul is a great movie. I am 22 from Soul before she went to earth except I still do not feel anything.,Depression +25654,I think Earth is a disgusting place and I really hate it here. I have to be born and listen to another who just because they are old as dirt? I have to be traumatized because it relates to a life purpose? I do not care about nothing humans create this reality where they convince themselves there is a higher purpose. Then I have to WORK the most shittest jobs for half my life while in college just to be making the same amount at my last jobs! I literally feel like I am in prison there is no escapeI give earth a 2/10 and the 2 is for the animals! EARTH SUCKS,Suicidal +25655,"I apologize its kind of a long post and kind of a rant to get it off my chest.I am 25(m) and have no idea what to do. I feel like I am in a stalemate with life. I am married to an amazing woman who I cannot make happy anymore. And it may be due to her post-partum depression. But like I have lost all motivation to try and fix things because I feel like they cannot be fixed. All we do is fight and argue and it feels like were both walking on eggshells 24/7. I have recently gotten help and gotten on medication to help me but all it does it help me hold in my emotions more instead of express them which ends with me blowing up every couple of weeks. I have lost the motivation to take care of myself. I have put on weight. Started smoking cigarettes even more and struggle to do normal things like dishes and clean the house.Also I am working myself to death it feels like. My body is destroyed from my younger years and I have a very physical labor job but I cannot leave it because it pays to well.It feels like the only things that make me happy right now are my 8 month old son who I love so much, and my little alone time I get to myself to play video games.I just feel like I am under a ridiculous amount of stress and I am depressed af and just do not know what to do. I have lost all motivation",Depression +25656,What are the symptoms or bipolar disorder?I think I may have it. I have extreme happiness and sadness and barely in the middle.I had so many toxic relationships. I self harmed and had no self respect for my body.I was told it was depression no one would check if I really had bipolar disorder. I have spouts of anger and madness for no reason and there might be more.Does that affect me having tulpa? Bipolar,Depression +25657,"uh, i do not really know why I am even making this, i really just decided to join because of a one second thought huh. its not like I am actively suicidal, i just have the strong urge and thought sometimes? none of the people i know really have any idea if I am serious or just joking, so I would rather keep them in the dark. i do have one friend that knows about my selfharm tendencies but she is very triggered by mentions of suicide so i do not want to talk to her. man. i do not even know why I am writing this, it sounds so stupid, i just had a strong urge in the past two days and since last week I have kept a notebook with a list of reasons i should live and a list of reasons i should not. i find it funny how the not live list is so much longer already. i have not been able to write for so long, my thoughts have been really distraught in a why i cannot think about much at all, and my memory is becoming more shitty. I have been snapping at my mom for no reason and i cannot keep up conversations with my friends. I am probably lame lol. if you have really read all that I am sorry its so incoherent, i have no idea what I am doing right now and my teacher is talking in the background. hi?",Suicidal +25658,"I am having problems to remember certain things, I do not know if it is because of meds, but just feels so wrong, and this sensation makes me think even more in just killing myself and ending my life. I cannot see myself having a life, even though I try so hard, all my efforts seems so useless. Should I end my life and stop this sensation? Because at this point I do not think the effort to keep going is worth it. Everything seems so blurry",Suicidal +25659,so its impossible to overdose on lexapro (ssri/antidepressant) when you are drunk? you cannot do it at all? its not possible at all to overdose on SSRIs mixed to alcohol??,Suicidal +25660,"I do not do anything all day. I wake up and sit at my computer on the lock screen. I have hovered over video games but I cannot bring myself to press play. I do not talk to my friends anymore. I do not leave my room unless I have too. I only eat and workout because of the basic human need to. It gets to me sometimes, I have never cut but I have gotten really close, sometimes I will take a dull knife and run it across my wrist to feel the adrenaline. But yet I feel like I have nothing to complain about, I feel like I do not have the right to feel like this. I have amazing parents and a roof over my head but I am still like this. I do not see the color in the world anymore, everything is just black and white. I wish I could have stayed 12, when everything was amazing and I would go to school with a smile, and my face would light up when I see my parents or my sister, when I would play basketball for hours on end with my friend. I wish I could talk to 12 year old me, ask him if his proud of me or if he resents me for ruining his life. The sparkle in my eyes faded ever since 7th grade and in the brief moments of laughter and happiness I get are only a few seconds of vibrant colors compared to the hours of monochrome. I do not see the color in the world anymore.",Depression +25661,"I have an appointment with a GP tomorrow, however just want some opinions.I weaned off my antidepressants, maybe 6 - 8 weeks ago without supervision and it is been awful, physically and mentally. After a tipping point last night, I have decided to go back on the meds. I have tried my best to wait it out but I cannot keep this up. I was on desvenlaflaxine (generic Pristq) 150mg, which is a higher dose for this med. Should I go back to 150mg? Or start from scratch at 50mg? Or meet in the middle at 100mg?Thank you in advance.(I know I should not have weaned off on my own but my GPs (plural, I have seen multiple) understanding of mental health treatments are basic at best and I thought I could manage it myself. I was wrong. Moving on now). Restarting anti-depressants, start with lower dose?",Depression +25662,"I feel like nothing in my life is going right. I have a lot to be grateful for but even gratitude is not making things any better. Both of my parents are dying, my boyfriend is ignoring me and I am sure he is going to leave me, I feel stuck in a town I hate, and I got into a car accident today. I just want to swallow a bunch of pills or cut myself until I bleed out to death. I made a promise to myself that I would wait 48 hours and then call emergency. I do not know why I am posting this here. Maybe I am looking to get validated. it is easier to seek that out from strangers rather than bothering your friends. I am getting closer to my breaking point",Suicidal +25663,"it is like the only time I can actually feel calm or at peace, or have almost fucking tears of joy is when I think of me being dead. I am so tired. Just too tired of everything. I do not have a good reason to kill myself. Like honestly. I just feel so absolutely empty. I keep pushing people away. I have lost so many people that cared for me. And they just left. I keep flashing from numbness to extreme pain and hopelessness. Everything just. Fades away ya know. it is like a bunch of static. Or a background noise. that is what I feel like. Just something that people throw away when it breaks. I drink until I am more numb than I already am. Tho god I know it is not good for me. But I am also so numb that it does not matter. Idk. Idk why I am making this post. Or why I am just ranting on the internet to people who will just scroll past. I guess it is just easier to not feel alone. Tho even if I am with people I still feel alone. Idk. Well, if anyone does read this..why..I am just another fucked up person who is going to be forgotten. So does not matter really When I think of being dead, I feel calm.",Suicidal +25664,My doctor take off my anti depressed pills Insomnia + anxiety,Suicidal +25665,I just do not want to be here. there is nothing for me here. I am not meant for anything. I just want to kill myself and end it all. Those blades are looking so tempting right now. I want to kill myself so bad,Suicidal +25666,"I am trying to motivate myself to go to therapy and I was wondering if maybe there were any subreddits that were more focused on receiving support or trying to be more positive? If it helps other people by venting then great, but being surrounded by similar negative thoughts that go through my head on this subreddit just makes it more difficult for me. Thanks Alternative subs to this one?",Depression +25667,My father. I do not know how to deal with him. Like should I try to console him? Ignore him? Or what? I do not want him giving me the crap that I am young and a young kid cannot advise this adult. Honestly he is too shitty. Is it alright if I just be indifferent to him? I would want to hear from someone who is suffering from depression and is a parent- how do you want your ward to react and deal and help you and bear with the inevitable consequences? How to deal with your parent who is in depression?,Depression +25668,"My friend and I who drifted but were still friends just told me to kms. I do not know what I did but just knowing that he was there for me made me happy. He was one of my only friends(and I hope this is all a sick joke)but I do not think he wants that anymore. I have but one other friend (I am 15 btw) and I know how much it would impact everybody if I really went though with it. I know that making this post is pointless and maybe 4 people are going to see it, I just needed to vent. Wow",Suicidal +25669,"Idk what to do with myself anymore, and honestly death sounds like a peaceful end. My heart feels played with and i feel like i do not actually matter to the people i try to be with. I wish i was dead and cold, cuz that is just the end anyway. I feel worthless",Suicidal +25670,"I cannot breathe, I am so alone and I am so scared. I feel like a worthless POS and my life feels hopeless, I am too much of a chicken to go through with anything to try to kill myself, but what the fuck am i supposed to do? I need a miracle or I will end up homeless or dead... I cannot do this, I really cannot, it is been two years of this shit and it is never going to be better... I am still here and I do not know why",Suicidal +25671,"my life is ruined i just want comfort one good thing there will never be anything good, there will never be any feelings i would like, there will never even be closure, there will never be any comfort or an apology or remorse",Suicidal +25672,"I just hate myself, I cannot take it anymore, everything was supposed to be fine, but I just cannot, in my head, killing myself sounds so right, I cannot see myself living, I am so tempted to just end, I do not know, in my pint of view my life is just wrong and killing myself is the solution. If I work this out, will anything change? At this point I judt do not know anymore. I am sick of myself",Depression +25673,"I have been having a lot of trouble recently and I honestly do not know if I can do it anymore, I hate myself, I feel like shit constantly. Usually I have no reason to feel like shit, and that makes me hate myself more. I feel like such a burden to society and everyone around me. Last month I relapsed and hurt myself again, and I made promises I would not let it happen again but I do not know if I can keep them. I hurt so bad, why do I hurt? I do not want to be who I am anymore. I do not care if there is an afterlife at this point, I just do not want to be here. I need help, I do not want it, but I need it. When people ask me if I am okay I want so badly to say I am not but I cannot do it. I say I am fine. But I do not really know what it even means anymore. I do not know if this is the right place to put this, but I needed to say something. I need someone to talk to",Depression +25674,"My co workers making small talks at work last night and she asked me what I do at home when I am not work. She asked if I went to the gym or went to dance classes, or whatever I do. And my mind literally blank and just said I do not do much, I just stay at home and I still live with my parents. I felt so pathetic. It just emphasised how much anxiety and depression consumed me. I wish Id be more active in other hobbies and doing other things apart from work. Id love to paint and play music but I do not have the motivation to do so. I just rinse and repeat the day to day tasks. My life is so mundane but I am okay with it. I am just tired. I literally have no life",Depression +25675,"The last time I had an attempt was a little over a week ago, and I think the scariest part in retrospect was how calm I was 20 minutes leading up to it, I was sobbing and self harming before but a wave of calm and determination hit me, it was a different method than I had tried in the past when I was upset and it was probably the further I got, I spent a few minutes attempting to knot a rope to a garage and when I hung it was only for about two seconds before I dropped to the floor and scraped my arms and legs and just went to sleep like nothing happened... I am afraid looking back on this because at that moment I did not cry out for help and I did not write any goodbyes or anything.I am worried this means my attempts are getting more serious and I am currently in isolation and I guess I am scared because a big part of me wants to live but that scary voice telling me I should not creeps in a lot. I have thrown out things I could hang or suffocate with but I am still addicted to cutting/stabbing myself, I do not want to be hospitalised and I am not sure how bad that would be for my mental health too because covid unexpectedly hit my state and I caught it. I feel like I need to have a way to reach out to someone but I do not have any friends and I am also feeling guilty to talk to family because my mum is getting over being sick and I do not want to take any attention away from her. Time where it felt more possible, I was calm?",Suicidal +25676,"My group members are always shit, lazy and do not care. I had to do over 80% of the stuff SOLO in order to get my marks also THEY GET FREE CREDITS FOR DOING PEANUTS AND I HATE IT.Give me 10x of test, exam or individual assignment, i will be fine with all of it, BUT GROUP ASSIGNMENT IS LITERALLY KILLING ME FROM INSIDE. It triggers my anxiety, depression and because insomnia because i cannot sleep without thinking ""Will they lend me a hand tomorrow?"" ""Will i pass the assignment?""FUCK GROUP ASSIGNMENT AND MY EVERY GROUP MEMBERS EVER. School group assignment is killing me",Depression +25677, This makes me feel things. You know you are depressed when you have this as your background.,Depression +25678,"i have read some of the posts in this community, and i truly feel for these people who are suffering (i wish you the best on your journey of recovery). my thoughts have been intrusive, but not like this. i occasionally think about suicide, but i think I am too busy trying to fool everyone in my life. I am 13, and i genuinely think my mother despises my existence. the amount of complaints i hear about me flying out of her mouth everyday is honestly so sad. i cannot believe my mother finds so many things to nitpick about me everyday. what am i doing wrong? i try to write my emotions down on paper, and i always end up writing ""why cannot i be a good product of hard work"". I am not sure why, but continuing on. i guess to give a background, I am a straight a student and i come from a good background. if you ask me, i should not be depressed. i come from a middle class family that talks with each other every day, and i try to always be there for my friends because sometimes they struggle too. if i were to say I am depressed, no one would look at me the same. i cannot have that. i think because of the pandemic i have lost contact with a lot of my friends, i also talk with my family more often as well. I am not sure that is always a good thing though. it just gives my mom more things to say about me. ""you are always bothering me"" ""stop giving me a headache"" ""how can you be so mindless?"" i do not think she means these things sometimes, but i think now a days she kind of of blocks out what i have to say. in family conversations i would suggest a solution to a problem and she would i guess not hear me and come up with the same solution a few minutes later. one time during a trip she said that she feels that she has the lecture me because my dad is too soft on me, but she has given up on me. i tried to tell her that i acknowledge i react bad when she lectures me but i really do take in what she is saying. the reaction i got was a scoff and her getting mad saying ""fine, do whatever you want."" my brother even felt the need to intervene and try to fix the miscommunication between us. this happens all the time, but the difference is my brother usually is not there to help. i think she loves me, but i did find myself writing ""i wish my mother would love me"" at 2am with tears on the paper. i think she just wants me to be independent and successful, i suppose we have the same goal in mind at least. my mother had a difficult childhood, but i will not go in detail about it. i understand she has a lot on her shoulders and my dad is not really someone that can console her, as he also has a past of his own that makes it difficult. but sometimes her words hurt more than my understanding of her past. from an outside perspective, you would not suspect any of this. I would like to keep it that way. I am not sure why i feel any of this due to my background and how fortunate I have been, but i think I have decided to accept these feelings? sorry this ended up not pertaining to the caption, it was a little but of a rant. I have never gone to the internet like this, so i might delete this soon. thank you for your time. I am not even sure if I am depressed.",Suicidal +25679,I find myself extremely less productive these days. I cannot meet deadline on my projects. Not because I do not have enough time if I put my mind to it. Just because I have zero motivation to do it. I have heard in the past from people that this could be a sign of depression. But I do not feel sad. I just do not know what I feel. How do I know if I should seek medical help? How do I know if I am depressed?,Depression +25680,"Hey bros qu hay. Probablemente nadie lea esto, creo que es lo ms estupido que hecho en mi puta vida pero hay das en que estoy re triste. Me intentando suicidar dos veces y se que la tercera ser la vencida. No se cuando ser pero no me veo viviendo mucho. Supongo que tengo depresin pero no lo s, pero todos los das, cuando todo est en silencio, pienso en las mil maneras en cmo me podra matar, aveces lloro, aveces hablo solo. Supongo que as es la vida...Solo eso, cudense si alguien llega a leer esto. .",Depression +25681,"I (21 M) . Last year since the lockdown started my life was litrally the same as it was before lockdown! it was then I realised how anti social amd how lonely I was. and due to some issues and stupid things I did in the past my depression was extreme that i really wished to get corona and die , I lost the will to live ..but after a year of staying inside house and realising how loving great family and blessings I have my depression litrally became worse because there are people in the worst of worst conditions living happily and I cannot be like that even though I am previleged I feel like I do not deserve all this blessings and i am a total loser. the depression is getting better but I still do not have the will to live, no matter how hard i try i really do not want to proceed with life... when i see accident victims and soldiers suffering to survive i really wonder how do they have such will to live ? Had it been me i would have happily accepted death with both hands! Seriously how to gain the will to live? How to gain the will to live?",Depression +25682,My dad was the only support in entire life and he passed away. My whole family hates me and think I am a huge burden my mom agrees with them and treats me like shit . I tried every possible way to change and they still disappointed af I am a burden in life atleast do not want to be a burden while dead / in death How to kill myself and get rid of all trace,Suicidal +25683,"I have all these half finished projects that I cannot finish. I want to finish, I really do. I have an album that I have been meaning to finish for a year now, and I just do not have the energy to even try most times. it is all laid out and written, too. Nobody will even listen to the damned thing, but that hardly matters because I am too drained to even complete it.Had so much awful shit happen to me a year ago, and just have not been able to recover since. The trauma still gets to me. Alcohol is keeping me afloat, and has been for a long, long time. I miss motivation",Depression +25684,No longer worth it Done,Suicidal +25685,Waking up in the hospital sucks. Its funny how I also suck at killing myself Suicide,Suicidal +25686,I had one friend I thought I was close to but I was just lying to myself I acted like they really cared and were not just being nice and lied acting like they also considered me the same way but I realized I was lying to myself and no I am not just overthinking I talked to them about it. My one decent thing gone,Depression +25687,"I work in Business Development in a small Legal Tech company. That means I am constantly speaking to colleagues and clients and potential clients. I am having maybe 30 conversations a day. Each one gets progressively more challenging to have as the day goes on, I would say. Does anyone else work a similar job and have advice on how to handle this situation? Ps: also, could anyone else explain why these conversations get more painful as the day progresses. Working a Job that requires you interact with people all day?",Depression +25688,Some relief knowing that it will not be going on forever anymore as I know the date I am going to end it once and for all I have set a date,Suicidal +25689,"I was not socially prepared for high school. Depression did not help. I talk to people in high school who are way younger than me and holy shit they have done so much more than me (in terms of relationship stuff and just general social stuff). For context, I just finished a terrible freshman year of online college. I hated almost all of high school, and as soon as it got good in senior year quarantine happened.Idfk what I am doing. This is probably just a rant. Advice on how to get out of this social hole would be good. I have friends but we do not hang out as often as Id like and I have no larger social group. I just want to have a high school experience without being as young and stupid. Will that happen naturally once in-person college starts? Is there something I should be doing? I do not fucking know right now. I Wasted High School",Depression +25690,"For context. I am a young adult under 25. I choose not to disclose my age because I am paranoid that this might come across someone I know. And let us call my boyfriend M. M and I have been together for around a little over a year now. The story I will tell you happened either at the very first month of our relationship or before we were even official. So for context. At january 2020 (before I knew M) I went on to omegle to chat with strangers. Specifically sext with them. Admittedly in my mind I always viewd sexting as watching porn. Especially if it is with a stranger, it is like watching a cam show. But everytime I did it I felt awful and guilty afterwards, just like with porn. I only did this two-three times. Here comes M. I liked him a lot, but with covid and whatnot we could not meet properly. As I am writing this I am going through a stressful period in my life, and I wish this memory was the only unpleasant one to arrise. But this is the one that shocked me the most. As I lay in my bed, in the middle of a panic attack a few weeks ago my brain suddenly had the thought ""you are a cheater"" and I thought back ""no I am not! I would never cheat on M"". And then my brain thought ""Yeah you are, remember the last time you sexted how guilty you felt for M?"". I was mortified. I had completely forgotten about the last time I sexted.I went on omegle and found a random stranger with whom we sexted. At the time my mind was still thinking of sexting like watching porn. But then something clicked. When I send a breast pic back I realised, what the hell, this is an actual person on the other screen. So I deleted that picture, my account and completely left the sexting game. As I destroyed my account, along with it were destroyed any evidence of WHEN this event took place. After searching I have come to two possible scenarios. It happened in march when we just knew each other or it happened in october (which I doubt it because October was was warmer than March and I was wearing very fuzzy clothes). Now after this thought came to my head, my brain cannot let it go. it is been three weeks since it came back up and my brain is always telling me ""you are a cheater, kill yourself, you hurt M, your family will find out and kick you out of your house, M will publicly humiliate you and your friends are going to leave you, you will be homeless and alone as you deserve"". I am going to see a therapist in a month or so, but I do not know if I can hold on till then. I have no friends who I consider friends, just friendly people, so no support system. I worry that if I break up with my bf I will be completely alone and I will go back to self harm or I will kill myself. I cannot live with myself. And the think is, say I tell this to bf and he breaks up with me. What if the event did happen in March when we first knew one another? At the end of the day, I am confused and scared, I do not want to be a bad person. I do not. I do not want to feel like if this happened in october I should kill myself as punishment. It just, it feels like I should genuinely physically harm myself if I did this, I cannot believe how dissapointed I am in me. To think I would destroy the best thing that ever happened in my life. I am fucking worthless I do not expect your pity but dear god please I do not want this",Suicidal +25691,"Hi guys, this is my throwaway account because I have friends on my mainI am bairly 13 years old and I want to dieEveryday I wake up I feel hopeless like there is nothing to do or I am nothing just an anoter person just living,everyday it just the same as the other feeling bad constantly saying ""sorry"" or ""excuse me"" for no reason then crying myself telling myself I am not good enough I know you guys cannot do much but I really want your help What is the point?",Depression +25692,"2 years ago I was completely different person, Infact at the time I had never experienced depression before. I was very happy, I grew up very fortunate with a big family and many friends. Growing up I really never experienced being depressed. I am 25 and I am in my graduation year, hoping to apply for masters once I am done but I have lost my will to do anything I want.It all started 3 years ago when I decided to study abroad, at the beginning I felt lonely but nothing really painful, I would just get sad at times and wish I still had my friends. But I got used to it, not having as much friends and hangout daily etc... Fast forward 1 year I met a girl and started dating. 2 years later we decided to break up and then the lockdown happened. From here I have been consistently sad.I really really loved and and I still my ex, but I took many dumb decisions. I regret them but how could I know they were dumb if I did not take them in first place. She was very mentally unstable as she suffered with depression and personal problems.I just consistently miss my ex, I feel kind of weak and sometimes I lose respect to myself that I still think about her, but simply I just love her, and it seems that there is nothing that will change it not even by one inch, I met another girl we hung out but I could feel nothing towards her. its almost like I will never love anyone else. I have accepted that we will never be back together which is pains me but I got used it(she is dating someone else now). It does not matter how many people I meet, hook ups or whatever I just cannot find a replacement for her in my life and its been 2 years but I still love her and respect her. I genuinely wish her nothing but happiness.The lockdown, my ex, losing my homie, losing my job due go health issue ( vulnerability to covid) has put me in all time low situation. I have gained some weight, eventhough I eat twice a day only. I became bitter and the happy guy from 2 years ago simply does not exist anymore, an inferior version of him in every aspect. I do not see my self winning again, it feels like 2 years ago my life peaked and Its over like Its not going to happen again, I just have to accept living a miserable life I guess knowing I will never be as haply as I used to be. I have failed to treat my depression, I am lost.",Depression +25693,"I feel like I am running out of air and the only way to breathe is to count my calories and exercise daily, to become more pretty, I have focused for more than a year now on so primarily, how I look, I just want to look good or normal, but I do not, I feel like I look ugly and angry and if I were more fit maybe I would be attractive, but I just cannot stop, and I can isolate myself so much, and feel so stupid and weird, I just get put in a different social setting and I act weird, I can be so rude to people and I love, but I do not know if I f*cking love anyone or if anyone really cares about me. Its so easy to get comfortable in your own environment, and so I go on a trip and then talk to family/ friends or whatever and I act different or rude and I just hate myself, and I have these desires to isolate myself from my family because I do not really feel appreciated, but that is so f*cking sad, I do not want to be alone, but I do not like being around my family necessarily. But god its so funny how changing your environment can shock you and put things in perspective, maybe its a flawed perspective, maybe its good that I feel so depressed and lonely to recognize my true feelings, either way I feel really alone in my family and depressed and I do not know how to spend my time other than exercising to try to look better by losing fat and maybe I can manage that, but right now I do not know what I feel, other than extremely depressed and mean and ugly, not to be seen or spoken too, like nobody actually values talking to me, I want to be vulnerable to make this post mean something so I just want to admit that I am stubborn, and untrusting, but I really want to take any life change suggestions or advice and to make good choices so if anyone has any it would mean a lot. I think I might be depressed, I feel very emotionally overwhelmed and heavy and have no reason exactly",Depression +25694,"I feel like a failure, I hate my life. I am all alone, lost my girlfriend, lost my job. I want all this pain to end, I do not know why I keep going. I am just reminded of her, I miss her, I want to be with her. I cry every night wishing I still could talk to her. I am never going to be happy No future for me",Depression +25695,"I started making YouTube videos last January. The videos sucked at the time I would click on and then click off my videos and the views would go up Id honestly think I was on to something but then I looked at my watch time duration why is it so low and why is the ratio of views to comments so uneven its crazy. Then it was then I realized I was farming my own views and posting it on my ig story to make it seem to people like I was winning this is the honest truth. After then I decided I do not want to put on act I want to actually succeed make nice content so that people would actually watch so I started making COD VIDEOS they were not anything special but they got some attention by some I mean sometimes 20 sometimes a 100 and sometimes people would actually watch over a minute which is bad but I wanted anything I was good with anything at the moment. But then everything went down hill Id skip school work sometimes to upload a video and it would do terrible as in 2 views 0 views and that broke my soul but! I still did not quit. Now mind you I reached a hundred subs four months after I started in all honesty a lot came from sub for sub. So when I reached a hundred subs I made sure not to do sub for sub ever again as I had wanted to build a fan base on the way to the top! So from the end of may to the end of 2020 I was stuck in the hundreds video after video flopping. At this point its December I got into a huge fight with my brother so he took away everything he bought. But I wanted to succeed on YouTube so badly I spent my last money on new equipment I would drop videos all the time despite having school yet they would still flop but I still kept going. My little brother would break my headset Id buy a new one because I did not want to give up, My dad would take away my console Id still hold out hope my videos would floop Id still hold out hope. Now this is March 2021 college semester ends in a month so its hard to upload(getting less than 20 but still going!) now my little brother breaks my tv so there is no way we could play. So I go awhile without uploading but I was gaining subs tremendously the videos of kakarot I had dropped a year prior that flopped when I originally put them out were going crazy reaching thousands of thousands of views I gained a bunch of subs from there and now I am very close to 200 I decided to buy a tv following the end of the semester and grinded out the rest to 200. And ever since I gotTo 200 its been so hard its been a month since I got a video over ten views my little brother keepS breaking my headset and my idiotic self who is chasing this fake vision keepsBuying new equipment in hope that would id someday be big have a huge fan base and entertain people and make their day better. I do not want pity I do not want you to sub I just to know if I should keep going or should I accept its not meant to be Should I accept it or keep going",Depression +25696,"I guess technically I have already known that depression sticks around for life, but it is still a bummer every time it resurfaces. I have made major steps toward improving my mental health over the past 5 years or so, and I would even say that I have experienced momentary happiness from time to time. But here I am again, struggling through each day just like I did for most of my life. I guess I cannot really complain, because now I know it is possible to feel better again, so I do not have serious suicidal thoughts anymore. The frustrating part is that it seems like no matter how many times I crawl out of this hole, I always fall back in eventually. Given that I am not even 20 years old yet, I am dreading the vast number of depressive episodes ahead of me. It never stops, does it?",Depression +25697,"I was never meant to move out or be with my beloved or be happy or find a career. I am tired of pretending, I cannot do it anymore My life feels like a free trial that is about to end",Suicidal +25698,"Please someone chat with me, I feel super hopeless. I want to cry but I cannot, I feel empty",Depression +25699,"I miss when I actually mattered to people, but I ruined it. No one cares about me anymore, and it is my own fault",Suicidal +25700,You do not have to but it would mean a lot Hey so I like this girl and she means so much to me but she says she does not think right and wants to distance herself from everybody but she does not want to lose me but feels like she is slipping away can somebody please help me understand abt this or help me so I can help her through it?,Depression +25701,"what is stopping me? there is so many ways I could just end everything tonight. No one would have to deal with my shit anymore. Everyone would be free of my burden and they would be the better for it. So why do not I?what is holding me here? Maybe I am afraid that this will pass, that eventually I will be ok, but I do not want to be ok because then I do not have an excuse, which is so fucking selfish and lazy, is not it? I would rather bring people down with me than put in the work to be better. And I cannot even fucking bring myself to do the one thing that would make everyone happier permantely. Because all I do is screw everything up, even right now I should be talking to someone, but I cannot because I am scared they will give me pity, or concern, or try to help me and I will fail them again and again, but no one will ever give up on me. Why will not everyone just give up on me so I can finally give up on myself? I could end it all right now",Suicidal +25702,"I apologize if my English writing is unclear. This is a bit of a rant. I have been very miserable for a very long time, at least in relation to how long I have been alive (16). My earliest memories of wanting to die was when I was 11ish, and it has not improved since. I find it very hard to find and keep close friends and I have no close relationship with my family. My parents are extremely socially conservative and do not take mental health seriously. My brother tried to commit suicide back in 2019 and even then they treated it as a ""mindset issue"". I cannot go to him or any of my other siblings because I do not have that type of relationship with them. We were pitted against each other at a very young age and the resentment is still there. It feels like getting professional mental health treatment is out of the question while I am living with my family, they do not even like to take me to the doctor. I do not feel like I have a future. For the past 2 months I have lay in my bed and felt miserable because I have been too afraid to get a job, or apply to things I need to apply to, or practice and get better at my one real extracurricular (fencing). I do nothing and I tell myself it does not matter because I am not going to reach the future anyways because I am going to commit suicide. But, I know I do not have the courage to do so, but I do not have the courage to fix my life either. When school starts in about 3 weeks I know I am going to have completely fucked myself over because in my school you are required to have a current resume, and they expect it to be constantly changing and evolving and I have nothing. I have done nothing in the past year and nothing to show. In addition, I enrolled to be in an internship program in which I can intern with local legal firms (police or lawyer), but I have not been even trying to contact these places. I have not because I am too afraid to call them when I cannot email, and none of the places I emailed have responded (from a month ago).The one extracurricular I have (fencing) I am not even good at, because I started in late October of last year and in comparison to my peers, all high level ranked, I am a joke. I started too late. I have no skills I am good at, because my parents generally ignored me for my siblings (who all succeed in the sports and arts they choose to do) and encouraged little from me. So I did nothing because I had no passion for anything.I cannot even leave my house and do the one thing I love to do anymore. I used to love to go on walks in nature but I cannot anymore. I hate going outside and feeling inferior to everyone. I do not even know why at this point. I cannot even admit to myself how bad I feel. Every time I do I cannot help but minimize my own problems. I cannot help but feel like there is no reason for me to feel as bad as I do ( I am middle class and have both parents in the picture). I cannot help but think everything I am listing is just stupid melodramatic teenage bull and its not worth hurting myself over (which it prolly is not). But it still just hurts my heart so much. I hate feeling like I am a waste of potential. I hate feeling like it is over. I am still very young. But I compare myself to my peers and my own family and I see nothing but cowardice and a waste. I want my parents and family to be proud of me so much. But I know this is unlikely. In addition to the lack of accomplishments, I am bisexual and my conservative parents (as mentioned above) would never accept me if they knew. I hate having to hide myself and I know if they ever found out they would tell me I am confused and a faker and a liar. Or, they would get rid of me completely.I am so afraid of the future and I am so afraid because I am going to have to reach it alone. I do not have any friends or family. The only person who has ever been proud of me is my fencing coach, but I do not know what he sees in me. I hate showing my face around our academy because I am so afraid of disappointing him. But I am always going to, because I am never going to be a good athlete. I do not know what to do anymore. But thank you for reading. I am hurting my future because I am a coward.",Depression +25703,"I have reached a point where I know I need help. School has taken so much of a toll on my mental health that I am stressed and anxious all the time. I am crying myself to sleep many nights for no reason at all, and pretend nothing happened the next morning. I do not mean to offend anyone by attempting to self-diagnose, but I am really starting to consider depression. I just wish I could stop existing for a while. I really do not want to die, I have too much to live for... people who need me, and I need them too. But sometimes it feels like the only escape. I want to tell them so much, and ask for their help, but I just do not know how. I am so tired of this... Rant/How can I ask for help?",Depression +25704,Me as a 12 year old I already wanted to die because my sister called me dumb and daid that she will post my stupidity on Instagram and show it to my teachers which she is basically embarrassingMy own sister did this to meMy parents are not here my mother hates me she has no custody in me and my father is at singaporeI have an abusive brotherI really wish I could die but I am thinking way's on how to do itI'm filled sadness and anger and I cannot do it anymore So far everything was good but it all went down,Suicidal +25705,"Its strange, it seems like I am always either hyper aware of my existence or I feel like I do not exist at all and I am simple observing everyone else. I have felt this way for a long time, but the whole feeling like I do not exist thing is starting to impact me more and more. I cannot motivate myself to do anything when it does not even feel like I am real. The feeling is so genuine that I cannot even say that I know it sounds crazy. That being said, I still cannot bring myself to tell anyone in my life that I feel this way. As much as it make sense to me, no one around me will get it. It would just freak them out. Does anyone else feel this way? What would be a good way to potentially bring this up to someone? I do not have a clue how I would even start that convo. I feel like I do not exist",Depression +25706,"I am a 25M and I have been dead for almost 10 years. Yes, I am still alive in the physical sense of the term, moving through life. The the day ""I"" dead will always be the days off my youth. I committed suicide of the soul through constant acts of self hatred, depression, and anxiety. These of which are not just decisions of ones to look past, but ones that forever effect the way I see my self and others see me. I genuinely despise everything about myself, do not think through decisions, never finish anything, constantly self destruct. I lay in bed all day, drink, do drugs, all to numb out the pain. I stand and bang my head against the wall to the point of blood, given myself multiple black-eyes from punching myself in the face. Everyday I beat myself up (mentally) to the point where its almost become sadomasochistic. I never thought this day would actually come... I never thought this day would actually come, I have planned this as more of a fantasy for years on this specific date. Now it is finally getting real, 6 months away.... right after I graduate. There is no solution for me.&#x200B;Thanks for listening to the vent. There us none I hate more than myself...",Suicidal +25707,...cannot be good for me. Most days I barely move my body at all. I have no hobbies and no duties or responsibilities. My muscles are surely atrophying slowly. There is no reason to get out of bed. Nothing sparks joy. Nothing matters. Nothing is important. The number of hours I lay motionless in bed...,Depression +25708,"Lately I have been trying to improve myself. I have taken up a lot of new stuff, tried changing the way I do things. A lot of it is helping, and generally I do feel more fulfilled. But I feel like things are starting to crack. When I go out drinking with friends I have these moments where I pour my soul out to someone. Sometimes its great, I let them know how much I care about them, stuff like that. But sometimes I concern myself when I think back to other moments. I basically begged a friend to live his best possible life. I am just afraid that I am starting to push people away without realizing it. I was always in the good will come to me eventually mindset. But lately I have wanted to take a more active role in my life. I do not know how long Ill be here, I want my time to be good. It does not have to be perfect, it does not even have to be exciting. I just want to find someone, settle down. Start piecing shit together. I want to be content when I die. I have always been an introvert. I have also always been an empath. And I have a difficult time telling people how I really feel about them. I just do not know what to do. I feel like my world is shifting into something new, something foreign. I have started over so many times before. Each time I feel less and less like myself. I just want something to stay for once. Am I changing and becoming a better person, or have I become someone else entirely? Am I no good anymore?",Depression +25709,"it is unbearable I feel so weak and my head hurts so much. My head feels like it is slowly decaying.it is been too many years wasted sleeping and doing nothing. I feel trapped, it is like I have no other option. How do people get out of this? I have given up, I do not have the will to try getting better anymore. I have accepted my faith.I tried to reach out, nobody cares they just ignore it or vanish. People will tell you to stay for others but why? They do not really seem to care to help, would not they want to help if they cared? When a dog is ill you put it down you do not let it suffer for your own satisfaction.I feel like there is nothing for me here, nothing I enjoy and no reason to live other than my pup. I want to say goodbye The pain is too much",Suicidal +25710,"I have been thinking about committing suicide off and on for about 4 years now. Its been painful to say the least. I had some happy moments just to be drowned out by guilt and sorrow of my past self. I had so many chances to kill myself but i did not because I was scared. I have a horrendous face, plus I am short with an attitude. I am skinnier than a twig and my bones snap like one also. I have no special thing about me, no gifts, no talent, just a ugly ass 13 yr old who cries over everything. Even my 7 year old sister calls me horrendous. Even my mom complains about my face.It hurts so badly when family says it. This might be my final message on this earth. To anybody who is reading this, i hope you a great life.Fuck my life hopeless",Suicidal +25711,We are already dead inside. Every day we rot a little more. I pray God puts a end to all of our suffering. We are too weak to end it ourselves or overcome whatever curse keeps us on this earth. Most of us are zombies,Suicidal +25712,"Why is it that, no matter how long someone is been suffering or how bad it is for them it is still stigmatized? If your suffering is to the point where you go against basic survival instincts people still think of it as the worst you can do? I mean, take my case for example, I have had to start over socially more times than I can count and this time I have not spoken to anyone I am not directly related to in over a year so no one would miss me and even if I did meet anyone new they would just be out of my life within a year or two for one reason or another, I have not been able to get a job in over a year so once covid relief dries up I will have no income, my grades are not good enough to get me into grad school which I need if I am going to have any chance at success in my field so even if I manage to pay for my undergrad I have no future, I have no reason to stay alive and no hope that it will get better, so why despite all of this am I forced to live another 50-60 years in abject misery? would not it actually be kinder to end it early than to drag it out? Why is suicide so immoral?",Suicidal +25713,"I am 24 and I cannot seem to get my life together. I have been through a lot the past few years. I was kicked out and homeless at 18. My entire family stopped talking to me. I went to therapy and found out I was abused growing up. I got lucky and got a full time job with decent pay. Its been 3 and a half years and I hate this job and everything it stands for now. I am not qualified for anything else so I cannot just leave. I am stuck in a shitty relationship. I was cheated on and wanted to leave over a year ago but I cannot save enough. there is always something wrong going on in my life and I can never catch up. I started college but its hard to work full time and take classes. I am not even sure what I want to do anyway. I cannot take care of myself. I do not have time or energy. I am so burnt out I cannot even get myself to shower every day. I feel disgusting physically and mentally. I have gained 100lbs in the past 2 years. I cannot even afford to go to therapy any more. If I have the money then I do not have the time. I feel so lost. I do not know who I am anymore. I used to have goals but I am too stressed to do anything. This is not in detail/all of it, but if you want to know more just ask. I feel so lost.",Depression +25714,So now my arm is slashed. I am waiting to get the nerve Nobody here cared,Suicidal +25715,all last year i was so depressed and suicidal so i barely got anything done and failed the entire year.. I am living with an abusive family so there really was not many ways for me to get help unfortunately.. I feel like such a lazy piece of shit and I have spent the beginning of june - Now and probably the rest of july doing makeup work.. i do not want to try anymlre at all i know its so stupid bc its just school but i hate it more than anything i just want to get away from everything.. I am dealing with relationship issues and extra abuse from my mom too i just want to end it all spending entire summer doing summer school:(,Suicidal +25716,"I am having a really hard night. Bad panic attack, thought she had finally had enough and was going to leave. For most of my life I have constantly considered ending it all. Extreme depression, anxiety, and a deep hatred for myself have been with me for 40 long years. Despite this, I am still standing, I am still trying, and those rare moments of joy and comfort make me believe its worth fighting on. I hope all who see this do the same. Its a really bad night.",Depression +25717,"My Will / My LifeI lived a good life honestly, nothing bad really happened. I did not commit crimes, I did not get a severe illness that left me bedridden or had me killed, I did not go out of my way to harass people online or in person. I am not a saint though. I have thought about killing strangers, people I did not like, friends, family, and myself. I have thought about the darkest things that I have wanted to do to people that I will not enclose in this document because I want the memory of what my family and friends to think of me to at least be half decent. The truth is though that my mind has been fucked for a few years, and its because of internet exposure, the curiosity of wanting to see more and more rather than hearing about it.If you are reading this its probably because I killed myself, here is why.# Why I Did itI have been thinking about killing myself for years. I have been thinking about harming myself for about the same time, but I never went out of my way to do it. My mom, my sister, and hell, even my girlfriend all have cut themselves and self harmed. It makes me want to puke and panic whenever I think about it. I wish they would have never done it, because I continue to be saddened by it even now. I have trouble being happy knowing that they have harmed themselves, that they have cried for hours about their troubles. It hurts that I cannot do anything to help at all, and it hurts that I do not go the extra mile to help them even further It is not that I do not want to, but I never had went out of my way out of pure laziness and being pathetic all around.I am a loser. I can barely take care of myself. I have periods of time where I do not shower for days or brush my teeth, I skip meals, I buy food despite having full capabilities that I can cook food myself that would be much cheaper and nutritious. I do not do well in school. If I truly try, I can get good grades. But for some fucked reason, I never do. I am always finding myself finding any excuse to not study or do homework, and when a time comes that I truly want to, I shit you not, SOMETHING COMES UP. Not sure how the fuck it happens, but I swear family/friends will need help or invite me to go out when I want to do homework, and I can never say no. And that is part of my downfall. When something inconvenient happens to me, I get very upset, more than the average person would. When a person upsets me, I think of killing them, and other things I will not mention. This clearly is not fucking normal, and I think its good that I will be taking my life rather than being completely stupid and taking innocent lives. I have no idea why I have friends or even a girlfriend if I am honest. I would claim to be very charismatic ,handsome at times, and manipulative, but as of writing right now I cannot think of a time that I have manipulated someone. And for some weird reason, my gut says that I have. I think I had been a good ear for many people, I will not bother listing because they know who they are. I give the best feedback for them, whether its siding with them, telling them straight up This is how the world works, or telling them that they are wrong (Whether its factual or my opinion) I make sure to tell them what I think is right, and I think it has helped.I get a pain in my heart after I eat food that is extremely unhealthy, like mcdonalds, or drinking an energy drink. And I think to myself Let me get a heart attack and just die Because that is truly what I want. I want to die constantly. I imagine scenarios where the house breaks and the roof falls on top of my head. I think to myself of shooting someone in a random store in hopes of someone conceal carrying to finish me. I think of falling off a bridge or a cliff. But most importantly, I think of shooting myself in the head with my gun, which is what I will do.I get random periods of time where I REALLY want to kill myself. Had my gun been on my desk as I typed this, I feel like I would had pulled the trigger a few minutes ago, but I feel better now. Buying the gun was the biggest mistake in my life. Not because guns are bad, but because I am bad. I clearly do not deserve a right to own a gun, but here I am with a glock in my backpack. I do not think I could ever kill myself by jumping off a bridge or cliff, or cutting my wrists and bleeding out, etc. I had felt my glock has always been an optional exit for my in life, in case I truly fail as a person,And as it stands, I failed. Later",Suicidal +25718,"I got diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 8, I am 19 and its only gotten worse. I cannot even function anymore. I did not even know I was different when I was little, I thought I was normal as a kid and everything was just fine, I had no idea that I was any different. When you ask anyone for advice all anyone will tell you is it will get better, look for the light at the end of the tunnel, after 12 years I have gotten to the point where I realized this will never end, Ill never get to a point where Ill be happy for more than a few minutes. THIS will never end, this is my life and there is no overcoming it. I decided at 15 that Ill give myself until I am 29 to find something to live for but I know in reality Ill never make it that long. I cannot hold a job for more than a year, I damn near flunked out of my first year of college and I am still waiting to hear back on if Ill even be allowed to keep my financial aid next year, if I cannot Ill have to drop out. I am in school to be a paramedic, the suicide rate for EMS is high enough to be offered free therapy and counseling, and who knows if Ill even be allowed to practice once I am done with school. I am at the point where I am just waiting for something to topple me over into downing my pills with some alcohol and calling it a day - If I get that email back saying I cannot keep my financial aid I know that will be what does me in. I have asked for help so many times from friends and family and professionals and it keeps going unheard, I do not know why I am still hanging on while knowing damn well it will never get better. How are you supposed to look forward to the future when you know there is none that you will be even remotely okay in? I am just so tired and on one hand I really do want to die but on the other I am scared to, I feel like I do not deserve to be admitted or anything because of that reservation and all the ERs around here I am familiar enough with due clinical rotations from school that Id be better off not even trying to go there for help. I am stuck and all I feel when I am sober is the slight anxiety I have surrounding dying, and that is not even strong enough to deter me without distracting myself with weed or alcohol or jerking off. I do not know what to do. How are you supposed to stay alive when you know there is know other side?",Depression +25719,"Those nights I spent at my Nanas falling asleep to music were some of the best memories I can recall. Its random but whenever I think back all I can think about is how peaceful it wasnot a care in the worldnow I am all fucked up, I want to go backIts funny I think it hurts but I cannot feel anythingIm such a pos all I want to do is dieconstantly reminiscing on the past to feel good only to fail and realize things will never be the same. Its pathetic I do not even want to be happy I just wish.its so funny how pointless everything became. It took it all for granted Thinking about the past",Depression +25720,Someone please talk to me. I think I am having a panic attack. Help.,Suicidal +25721,"I am so sick of people telling me iT gEtS bEtTeR. It really does not. I said the same thing to myself 10 years ago as a teenager. Well, maybe as an adult it will get better. It does not. It gets worse. I do not know how much longer I can do this for. I have already been to hell and back but I have so much pain and heartache, I just want out. I want to feel relief. I want to be at peace. I am tired of hurting all the time. I am tired.",Suicidal +25722,"I have gotten to the point that just tonight something happened and I was upset, but my favorite elastic on my wrist that I always use that I have had for like a year, looks like its going to break soon. I said to myself no hesitation, hey once you break I am done Ill go bye bye too, but I said it to myself in a different way. did not want to make it sound to harsh on the internet with other people that might get triggered with certain words so I thought Id be respectful. Wow that is new",Suicidal +25723,"So they tell you to talk to someone about it and when you do they just flip their shit and act like you are saying it to manipulate them or for attention. How are you supposed to get help if you are just going to be judged, labelled as toxic and abandoned by everyone just so some narcissist can play victim and tell everyone how hard it is to have a relationship with/not deal with a suicidal person. it is like they love being an expert tourist guide on the subject until it is actually real and then it is shaming time. If anyone reading this ever has to talk to a suicidal person do not try to prematurely shame them for being selfish if they are still here. ""Having suicidal thoughts means you are toxic""",Suicidal +25724,"I have this constant fear of danger. Wherever i am there is this feeling both looming over me and inside me if that makes sense. I have learned to live with the fear, and at times I am grateful for it. Sometimes tho like if I am left alone for a while, it can be so overwhelming i cannot sleep. Suicidal thoughts sometimes feel the same to me. There are times where i wake up and I am half conscious and the thing that is running through my brain in those times is my family crying over my suicide. Lately tho its been getting easier to listen to their cries. i have no clue how to breathe",Suicidal +25725,I am a complete failure and that there is nothing I can do to change that. It is becoming so hard to breathe. Losing motivation to do anything.,Depression +25726,"I just wrote about 1000 words about this and lost it thanks to a page refresh. FMLWell, tldr: putting in the work and the struggle to go on living rather than taking one's life, it is not that different. Living is the act of bringing about death. Working, getting terrible sleep, being stressed, eating poorly, sitting all day.. these things that I do in the name of fighting to stay alive and support myself, they damage my body and hasten death in much the same way as if I were intentionally self harming. Tenacity as Passive Suicide",Depression +25727,cannot move and head head is pounding Again,Depression +25728,my dog is older and has a lot of health issues. tonight i stole some my dog's prescription hydrocodone just to feel ok for one night. I have had a bit to drink tonight as well.i have not felt ok in a while and I am not sure what to do i hit a new low tonight,Suicidal +25729,"Yo what is up everyone new here but things are getting a bit tough and I am at a point where I am getting some really negative thoughts to say the least, I have been diagnosed with leukemia since November and going through chemo and all that so the downs are pretty tough, just looking for someone who has possibly gone through it. Just someone who can tell me it will be fine I need a bit of help",Depression +25730,want to just stay inside today Today,Depression +25731,"I really want to die right now, I keep digging myself into this whole and its driving me insane. I am sick of this shit. Fuck everything, I am so tired of trying anymore.",Suicidal +25732,"Please, do not take offence to anything I say in this post, but I feel like I need space to be honest about what I am feeling.I am not sure if I have depression, but every time I try to have hope in the future, it feels silly. Part of it is climate change anxiety. Part of it is just a lack of belief in myself. At the same time, it feels like I am being defeatist. Like I am giving up just because I am lazy and I do not want to expand the effort. Not because I am genuinely depressed.Does that make sense? A part of my brain would imagine what it is like to just disappear, to put it mildly, and another part of my brain would tell me that I am making it up. To myself? how would that even work?Me and my girlfriend had a fight, because I have trouble focusing and I forget things. And sometimes, I forget things so much that I piss people off. And they get angry at me, because I read a lot, I know a lot of little factoids, I have an ""important"" job, but I act like an absent minded child. So, I guess in their head, I do not deserve the social status they are projecting on me? Am I so arrogant that they expect me to be important?I feel guilty for what I have. Because I know there are a lot of people struggling, with the pandemic, and with all the social problems right now. I do not feel like I deserve it.She called me... the best translation I can think of is ""insane idiot"". It has far darker connotations, like someone who cannot take care of themselves, who is a social reject etc. etc. I have to once again repeat that I did genuinely pissed her off; she was in a rush with some errands, and I was slowing her down, and fucking things up, because my brain cannot work that fast.I told her, I told her all about how much that word hurts me. How it brings to mind other things, other people have told me. People who were close to me. People I looked up to and trusted. Thoughts I have every day, if not consciously, then subconsciously. I can barely remember what I did yesterday. But I can vividly remember every time someone called me worthless or an idiot.That made her feel guilty, and made her apologize for what she said. And I feel like I manipulated her. Like I fucked with her head to get my way, so that I do not have to change and better myself. I do not trust the way I think, I do not trust the way I look at things. Part of me thinks I should make up something to ""hope for"" in the future. Part of me thinks that is stupid and in-genuine. Part of me wants to stop being so pathetic and defeatist.I do not know what to think anymore.At least I still have my hobbies, which I am passionate about. For an hour or so every day, I can escape. I do not think I really have anything else. I am in a very weird space, I am not sure if this is depression",Depression +25733,Ill be with bio dad for three weeks. He is not a nice or reasonable person and I cannot stand being around him. that is why I hate going to visitation.Today I kept putting off packing my bags. Doing my laundry was too emotional. I could not bring myself to leave the living room where my family was. I felt so guilty when I went to my room for the night because it felt like I was leaving them behind.Like I said in the title I barely ate today because the idea of going on visitation was just too much. While I am with bio dad I am genuinely terrified that Ill stop eating. Like Ill be away from all the people I actually care about and there will be nothing keeping me accountable. I am already underweight so I cannot be losing weight anywayWhat I was thinking of doing was sending my mom a list of my meals from that day if I do start to eat less. That way she could tell me that I am not eating enough or if she is seeing patterns that I am not. Is this even a good idea? She has really bad anxiety and I would not want to worry her. Same with my step dad. I guess I could send the list to one of my friends but it would be random since my friends do not know about my mental issues.Anyone have any input? Id appreciate anything I go to visitation tomorrow. I barely ate today because I could not handle the anxiety. I am worried Ill lose the motivation to eat entirely while I am visiting. I do not know how to keep myself accountable,Depression +25734,"I am posting here because I do not know what to do. my mother said she plans on killing herself and I do not know what to do, she is refusing help, I think because she said something she does not want to but I am not sure what to do, I have been spending more time with her and that seems to be helping a little but I still need help. I need help",Suicidal +25735,"I am 15 and ever since I started puberty, everything went downhill for me. I realized all the harsh things about reality that I wish I never knew. Especially being online all the time surrounded by so much negativity and hatefulness. It probably does not sound like a big deal, but its too much for me to handle, especially when I feel alienated from everyone and like I am a terrible person. I struggle with so many unwanted thoughts and feelings that I feel like the only way Id find peace is when I am dead. I am constantly surrounded by so much misery, its too hard to take in and process. I do not know if this is just teen angst, but its a horrible feeling. I wish everything was nicer and easier, that I do not have to deal with difficult feelings. I feel like I am the only one struggling with the conflicting thoughts I have. I tried finding people who feel the same way, but I could not, making me feel even more alienated. I am afraid that one day Ill break and actually kill myself. I do not want to live, but at the same time I do. I do not have anyone close to me that I can express my feelings to and if I just keep my feelings to myself, I am going to continue drowning deeper and deeper into my misery. I am starting to feel like I do not deserve to live",Suicidal +25736,"Hey all. Recently discovered that Zyrtec made my depression a little bit worse. So I switched to Claritin and am starting to notice a decline with that one as well. Has anyone found an allergy med that does not add to your depression? Id love to not take anything at all, but my allergies are out of control with no meds. Would love to hear if someone found a remedy that does not send them spiraling downward after a few weeks on it. Allergy meds and depression",Depression +25737,"I am getting a wave of depression yet again and it is keeping me up tonight so I just wanted to talk. Whenever this happens it usually involves self-doubt and loathing, it is so frustrating. I recently graduated from college and this whole transition to adulthood thing is making it exponentially worse. When I talk to my friends about it I just feel like I am constantly burdening them even though they are very supportive. I really love and appreciate them and they are one of the few reasons I am not spiraling out of control. As if depression was not enough, I also suffer from social anxiety (though it has gotten much better than was a few years ago). As you can imagine, that just destroys any bit of personality I have. I provide pretty much little to nothing in conversation between friends and I find it hard to make friends at work or anywhere really since I am so bland and boring. Another problem I have is that my self-hatred really destroys my self-confidence and affects the way I portray myself to other people. It makes me seem less approachable or just not worth approaching. With the frequent waves of depression I have been experiencing lately, I am afraid I am going to start drifting apart from my friends and end up alone. it is just so hard to live feeling like this with these thoughts. I feel like there is a constant pressure on my chest. Now onto some positives about me that I should remind myself about. I am witty and funny once in a while. I get myself up and working when I have to even if I do not want to. I am doing a good job of stepping out of my comfort zone and tackling my social anxiety by working in customer service. I have been putting effort into a hobby I am passionate about and working towards improvement. This is starting to sound like a diary, but I guess that is what my whole account essentially is. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and I hope you encounter something that will make you smile today/tonight :) Feel free to reply or comment anything. Just spilling my feelings",Depression +25738,"i wish i can just disappear. not even to kms because that would just be another disappointment my parents would hate to talk about. what i want is to have never existed at all. to have never been born. i have to live another 60+ years just to die anyway. i wish taking your own life was not so frowned upon. if i wanted to sleep forever,then let me. I am so fucking done with trying to meet everyone is expectations. i wish there was a way",Suicidal +25739,"I am honestly so tired and now that I have finally gotten help I think I made things 1000 times worse between my parents and I and its overwhelming because now Ill never be at peace with them and even though I am trying very hard to stay alive, what is the point?I cannot do anything right, actually I cannot do anything at all. Its all too overwhelming and I feel defeated. Tired",Depression +25740,I did so much for him. Yet he just drops me like I am nothing :( it hurts so bad..he probably wants me gone forever My ex boyfriend hates me,Depression +25741,"I do not know what to do, I am lost and trapped and I am starting to think that there is only 1 escape and I might take that exit because it just might be easier than all of this and I cannot do this anymore. it is scary. I am scared.I have this document on Google docs that write in when I feel very low and have suicidal thoughts, that is something I wrote 2 months ago. Since then all the things in my life that were making me want to end things have died down, but I did not feel better. I spend countless hours thinking about all the stuff I want to say to the people that made me feel this way. Because of them I cannot do anything without feeling insecure, because of them I have constant anxiety over if people actually like me, to the point where I lost one of my best friends because of it. And I cannot do it anymore. This has to stop somehow. Idk man",Depression +25742,"I always feel useless, stupid and dumb. I cannot get many people to like me. My future plan is to kill myself as soon as I get out of high school (unless I have a reason). I am currently going to 8th grade and struggled a lot in 7th grade. I either did not finish my homework or did not do it at all. I always try to mimic what people feel so I can fit in with groups of people and interact with them. I feel like I have no personality which is probably the reason why some call me stupid. I like to get into fights and keep stupid things secret so that adds on. I sometimes cannot feel for people's tragities. I feel like I have no purpose in the world. Actually, I feel like the world is useless. There is no point other than to entertain ourselves and grow. There is no prize at the end except for entertainment. I want more adventure than this, I need more adventure than what I currently have. The world is a small place once you get used to it, it would be thrilling to see what is beyond, that is only if we could. I do not think I have a purpose",Suicidal +25743,I have such an irrational fear of being cheated on. I have been in a good relationship for 9 months. I keep finding myself reading too much into things. I have such a fear of being cheated on that it keeps me up all night to the point that I get no sleep at all. I am up all night a few times a week. it is getting to the point I want to end my life. Irrational fear,Suicidal +25744,"I lost all my friends. They cannot seem to function in society anymore. Every time I try to put myself out there, I seem to fail. I feel stupid and dumb because of it. People tell me to open up about it, and I feel like it just pushes them away. I have no one that has been able to help with this. Therapy and professional help have done nothing. The few people I have tried to be close to after they open up end up ghosting. I cannot blame them because I feel like I am the common denominator at this point. I have never felt so alone in my life like I do now, and I cannot hold this in anymore. I know people have it worse, and I am lucky to be where I am but, it hurts to wake up or face life anymore. The physical pain it causes me is unbearable anymore. Knowing that I have fucked up so much trying to be social with people has fucked me up. Guess its just me lost among the trees in the forest and angry at myself for it. Alone",Depression +25745,I am kind of new to this whole reddit thing but here it goes. I have been struggling with high functioning depression for years now. I recently graduated highschool and used my last semester of school to attend a local college and got my welding certificate. I quit doing drugs and drinking and was feeling awesome. I am an excellent welder and immediately got a job offer while finishing my certificate. I had my interview and they loved me and everything went awesome. I had a drug test and long story short failed it. I feel like my whole life spirals from here. I was given the option to re apply in a month and could probably pass a dt for any other job I apply for. The thing is that I really do not feel like it any more. My head keeps messing with me making my think I am not able to weld good anymore and no one is going to want to hire me or I am going to be bad at the job and get fired. I hate the job I currently have but it is easier to keep going there than apply for new places. I have developed a serious drinking problem now and find myself turning to everclear every night. I have gotten so lazy now that I just drink it straight. I am gaining weight and basically running on autopilot. Someone please tell me what to do. I am lost and need help. I was doing great until now.,Depression +25746,literally what is the point of being around? nothing even seems worthwhile anymore. I wish the constant abyss would stop for a moment so I can take a breath. I feel like I am drowning but no one is around to throw me a line what is the point of being around,Depression +25747,"Life to my currently circles around the same thing. Improvement I desperately try to archive, but will not get. I have been many places, tried to adjust, tried my best for others and myself. I want others to be well and get to their best. As for me, however, it is been staying like that and there seems to be no change, no matter what drastic changes came along. Or did it change?I have thought about, how I would find my peace here, and these thoughts do not find me. I have considered it being a car accident, however, I do not want anyone involved. My shot will be, passing, to safe somebody else. This may sound odd and pretty dumb, but surely, there is people out there whose life should not be cut short.I have everything. A settlement, job, money, security.But I lack of emotional bonding to my family. Feelings set on occasionally, but mostly it is with my partner or my cat. I have always been a people pleaser and shut my mouth, I have changed it, but no improvement as I move back to old patters. I am stubborn, therapy cannot be considered as I would go the way I want.It may not happen now, but one day, there will be a lucky one and I will get my courage together to gift them more time. I know how, but not specifically when I will go.",Suicidal +25748,"I am so hopelessly sad. I feel like I am withering away and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I am trying everything. Seeing the doctors, taking the medicines, talking to the therapists, etc. No one can help me and I cannot help myself. I do not know what to do.I do not know how to move forward from trauma. I do not know how to cope with the fact that things happened to me that I did not consent to. I do not know how to live an even semi-normal life when I am haunted by these things while I am awake and while I am asleep.I do not know how to get rid of the loneliness when making friends has been repeatedly unsuccessful and being a good partner to anyone is out of the question. I do not know who I am anymore. Everything feels so dark and all of my senses are muted. Those brief moments of happy are becoming fewer and further between and I am breaking.I just do not know and I am so scared of everything, including myself. I do not know what to do anymore",Suicidal +25749,"I picked up my pen and finally forced myself to do it. It feels so damn good seeing it stitched together, and fall in the right places. After being depressed this school year, and finally graduating highschool, I felt guilty that I might be wasting my summertime by lodging and mopping all day but I did it lads!&#x200B;I am literally in tears, I do not have anyone to share this accomplishment so I am sorry if you had to see this but its like eureka that even a person like me can actually do things like this. Finishing a small project I abandoned.",Depression +25750,literally i do not even know what to write anymore. everything is way too much. i want it to end. i do not want to wait. i want it to stop. life is garbage next chance i get i will get a gun. i cannot wait any longer,Suicidal +25751,"Sleep, wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep and repeat. Tired of this.Any advise for making life what you want? Stuck in a job I do not like and I do not know what fields I would want to go into. I do not have the qualifications. (Bachelors in psych). Tired of the monotony, I am looking at another 40 years of this shit. Life",Depression +25752,"I know I will not do it, but I really desperately want to. I cannot keep living with guilt and regret and expectation and ambition anymore, I am in my head way too fucking much. All I do is think all day, about my place in the world and in my friend groups and about who I am as a person. After all this thinking I have come to the conclusion I am fundamentally horrible. I have terribly fucked people over only to direct the victim mentality onto myself and claim I have ""healed and improved"" only to be the same horrible person in a different flavor after more agonizing thinking. I am a toxic leech of a human being and I just want to stop. I hate hating myself. there is so much to fucking hate though, so much to pick apart and analyze. I feel like no matter what I do I am just a burden and I am sick of feeling this way. Even my own mother cements it into my brain through the way she interacts with me that I am always in the way. I do not want to be in the way anymore, I do not want to be a bad person, I just want to escape all this bullshit PLEASE Tonight I am really thinking about it",Suicidal +25753,"My depression is getting worse and I am feeling hopeless, lost, and down all the time, and my family thinks I just want attention. It used to be only a few nights now it almost every night and day. I do not hang out with my friends any more and when I do I am forcing myself to have fun and laugh. I really need someone, whenever I cry for help no one helps me. A cry for help not attention.",Depression +25754,"hi all,i want to start by saying i have a good support system at the moment and am utilizing all of my resources to push through this. but I have made an observation about myself and my thoughts recently. lately i have not been drinking much. and that is good. but when i do, i indulge. subsequently, i feel painfully depressed for DAYS after. the physical symptoms of my hangovers are bad, but the mental symptoms are much, much worse. i struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts when sober, but have a regimented self care method to manage it. and i manage quite well. so the spiral i feel after one single night of drinking is distressing.i know alcohol is a depressant, and i know that it does not particularly make anyone feel good. but i was wondering if anyone else feels this way after a night of drinking, where you cannot shake suicidal thoughts and feelings for up to a week. my friends are normal in that they obviously feel shitty the day after drinking, but not for multiple days. so I am feeling alone. evidently the solution is to probably stop drinking altogether, but i just wanted to see if anyone else has felt such intensity from a single night of drinking, and if anyone has any advice. from alcohol, to sex, to social media consumption: normal human experiences never feel normal. i either feel things too intensely, or i feel completely numb. i just want to be able to enjoy things normally, and to react to setbacks (like hangovers) in a perceivably normal way. but i cannot. but I am going to keep trying.thank you i just need a place to talk about this",Suicidal +25755,"DISCLAIMER: please do not read this if your having increasing thoughts of suicide this might trigger you 3 fucking years, being told all the same fucking lies over and over again. being told it will get better when it never fucking does. getting told i can use my coping skills when they never fucking work. getting told to just think differently. getting told this and that. none of it fucking works. I am beyond fucked up at this point and there is absolutely no fucking hope for me left and you really cannot hit me with the oh things get better this is temporary. it just gets worse every fucking day bro i cannot try to stay strong anymore the shit that is supposed to make me stronger just fucks me up . I am already far far gone but I am just alive waiting for the right moment to leave and honestly i think its soon because everyone seems to hate me and no one seems to care anymore nothing has changed",Suicidal +25756,"Nothing feels real, its like my life has fucked up so much that it feels like I am dreaming. I do the same thing day in day out, I wake up, I sit in bed, I stay awake until 12pm, I go to sleep. It does not feel real. I lost the best friend I have ever had. My motivation to keep going has just gone, I feel nothing anymore. This whole thing is somehow worse than the 2017 ordeal. (Which included several suicide attempts)I always knew I would not make it, I could not see myself living past 15 and quite frankly I was surprised when I did, but that did not mean I was going to live a long life, it just meant I had postponed the inevitable. I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +25757,"i no longer experience joy or contentment.i have not talked or been in the presence of another human since last wednesday. COVID restrictions have been lifted where i live.it is really hard for me to justify my own existence. normal everyday tasks are horrendously long. i often cry.i turn 47 this month. I have accomplished a lot of my goals up to this point in my life, but I am finding life simply not worth living. i do not have a job, a girlfriend, or a life. friends and family are no longer there.i run when i consume caffeine pills. I have been a runner all of my life (since age 10). caffeine pills are a replacement for ""motivation."" otherwise i would sleep all day. i often feel like a zombie (or crying) if i am awake and doing anything. i cannot concentrate on any task.i think of suicide constantly.this is my life. this is my life",Depression +25758,"I need to tell someone what I am thinking. After my trip to Oregon, I will probably end my life. I took the summer off from college to work on my mental health and it is done nothing but get worse. I do not feel drive for anything or anyone, not even the boys or band kids I work with. My coworkers say that the boys need me but I do not think they do. I am just another staff. I have 3 semesters left of school but I do not want to do school anymore. Every single fucking semester my mental health crashes and my grades tank. I am over the stress it causes me. No degree is worth this. So yeah. I am opting out. Fuck life. TW: suicide **",Depression +25759,"Title says it all really. The hours in-between socializing with friends are slow and agonizing.My brain gets scared that I annoy my friends, or that I will say something to hurt them intentionally, so I make excuses that I need to take a break for a few, or that I should probably go to bed.All lies of course, because I lay in my bed and idolize a world in which I do not exist. Sleep is just a way to fall back into my nightmares of living in a world where I feel content, happy even, only to have it ripped away from me when my eyes open.I only feel like myself when I drink but even then I struggle to pick up the bottle, because do I even like who I really am? Or is it really even me or just an amalgamation of ideas of what I would want to be all sewn together poorly?I feel I have no purpose in this life and even though they would all say otherwise, I feel as if I truly have no one in this world. Surrounded by people who care yet I have never felt more alone",Depression +25760,"I was super close to not making it with my last suicide attempt and I am back in the same place again and I cannot go to the hospital becuase I am a minor and then the state would have to step in (I have been in and out of inpatients for the last few months) there is a part of me that just wants to say fuck it and try again but I am too scared to hurt my family my dad ffs is dying in front of me slowly, slowly if someone could talk with me that would be great but I do not expect even a comment or two on this post Just found out",Suicidal +25761,"I have been completely apathetic towards everything for years now, so I have been not caring. However, the only time I feel at peace and comfortable is in the car home from work. I hate going to sleep because I do not want to do this all over again. I hate driving to work because I do not want to go. I hate being home because I am lonely and I do not like to be there. I cannot form relationships with anyone and I hate everything.At least I have 25 minutes for myself on the way home I do not Care",Depression +25762,I woke up today and tried to play a game I used to play a lot and I cannot even do that anymore. I just want so sleep more but I know it will not make me feel any better. No matter how much I sleep I am still so exhausted.,Depression +25763,"I am nearing 19 and I have already fucked up my life, I have no future, I did not finish school, I went to college for 2 months, lost almost all my friends, I cannot get a job currently because of mental healthIm just the royal fuck up of the family and at this point I cannot see myself living past 20 Ruined my life",Suicidal +25764,Its like no matter how hard I try and drown out the thoughts of you are not good enough you are a failure. I cannot and its making me worse. cannot stop thinking about how worthless I am,Depression +25765,"my ""friends hate me"" my parents could not care less about me i just want to run away or if i cannot then why even live in this hellhole anymorebut I am only 13?? am i too young for anything, i cannot even think straight..... 13 and so lost",Suicidal +25766,"I want to die. I guess i do not for my boys but I am so fucking tired of having the weight of the fucking world in my shoulders. Carrying the workload of 2 because 1 does not give a fuck about me. I am tired of being treated like a piece of shit and hidden from people. I am tired of being lied to. Stolen from. Tired of my son being kept from his own brother that neither one of us are ever going to fucking meet. I am tired of being the only one that fucking cares about anything. I am so done. I wiiiiiish slicing myself brought some kind of relief or popping pills worked to give me at least a temporary escape. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I am nothing. I am shown daily I am nothing so it must be true. I am nothing. I will never be anything. I am worthless. I am a waste of space and air. If it was not for my boys.... Fuck this world. It was not made. Please, No More.",Depression +25767,"Its crazy how others do not understand that I am going to be like this forever. Someone once told me, Your depression is not you, its only a tiny part of you. But how come my depression has took over every single part of me that I genuinely do not remember who I am anymore. For the past five years I had to watch myself crumble and I could not do a damn thing about it. If I could do it all over again I would have done everything differently. But now I am going to college, I am not even happy about it. I used to dream about going to college as a kid all the time, that Id be the most happiest and successful person ever. I used to think once Id go I would be normal I would feel free.Guess that was a lie because the only reason I am going is to fill that void and have constant stress so I do not have to listen to the bad thoughts in my mind. that is it. Over and out..-A I really will be like this for the rest of my life",Depression +25768,Feel depressed and need someone to talk to Need someone to talk to,Depression +25769,"really looking for a reason to stay rn, i was able to get my hands on some pills, not enough to kill me or do any bad damage but still. i do not know what is keeping me here my life is beyond fucked but I am just ignoring it idk",Suicidal +25770,I feel as though many people will disagree with me but I know this will be my fate sooner rather then later and I am on my knees. The pain I feel within my core is just to much to push through at this point. I am literally just existing for other peoples sake and I do not even feel they benefit from that either other then feeling good about themselves when they feel like they did the right thing by talking me out of it people do not understand the urge that has taken over my core the only thing that is stopping me is pain. And I am just trying to figure out how to get past that point. I lost my love. He did what I plan to. I just cannot see myself without him in this life. I just want to be in his space and I want to do what he did to me to everyone else I have ever cared about because I am so bitter and heartbroken. With guilt and with regret I cannot live like this anymore. All I wanted was to be a good mother. To be loved and understood. Left in the cold again. And again. This is such a complicated story to explain with many details missing. Just know that I do not think suicide is selfish. And I have felt like this since before I lost my love. I can never forgive myself for letting go of the one who truly loved me. I can not stand another second of this reality. To my sister I am sorry all I ever wanted was to be like you and make you proud of me. Thank you for being a mother to me I love you. To my son. Mummys sorry she put you in bad situations and pushed you away when you needed me the most. My zaney I will always treasure your curious little mind. To my daughter. I am sorry I could not be the strength you will need when you are grown just like me. Know that you where always my dream. I love you sweet girl. At my core I am empty.,Suicidal +25771,"Not sure if anyone really cares, but I am tired. I have been tired all day. Took two naps. I think I will be tired tomorrow too...But I do not know. I wish...I wish I could do something different tomorrow...so I do not feel like I am in a cell. I wish I could sleep for longer. And...I wish I could just escape. My eyes are really droopy now. And this blanket is really warm and comfortable. I am tired...sleepy.I am going to sleep. Goodnight I guess. I am going to sleep now...",Depression +25772,"It comes from Suetonius, and I heard that the historian is not a particularly reliable one, but still the idea itself is interesting.**The passage**: Since ancient usage made it impious to strangle maidens, young girls were first violated by the executioner and then strangled. Those who wished to die were forced to live; for he \[Tiberius\] thought death so light a punishment that when he heard that one of the accused, Carnulus by name, had anticipated his execution \[and killed himself\], he cried: ""Carnulus has given me the slip""; and when he was inspecting the prisons and a man begged for a speedy death, he replied: ""Ihave not yet become your friend."" Death being a light punishment - I cannot quite explain it, but it feels so realistic/true. ""Carnulus has given me the slip"" - that one should answer your question of ""Why am I forced to live"". It is not beneficial for society if you kill yourself, for it loses a working unit and you set up a bad example (if that one escaped, I can too).P.S. The first sentence of the passage is not about suicide, but I left it in so your love for this world would rise a bit more. Emperor Tiberius on suicide",Suicidal +25773,"for the longest time suicide was like a second option for me. just having the choice to get rid of everything without having to worry about the future was comforting by itself. growing up, anytime anything would go wrong, id comfort myself that i would merely wake up from this nightmare if i mustered up the courage to kill myself. it was almost like someone would be whispering on my ear that things will be okay and to never take things seriously because there is a permanent off button. this mentality has stayed with me for years and now I am approaching adulthood. i will soon turn 18 years old. due to this mentality, I have been academically slacking off and avoiding the topic of what do you want to do when you grow up. i told myself that i would never live to see the day i graduate and that its impossible that id ever become an adult. 10 year old promised me that i would kill myself before turning 18. my birthday is just a month away and I am scared. my younger self has gone through so much. my parents were always ones to never fulfill their promises and i do not wish to become like them. i want to at least do this for my 10 year old self, whether i want to or not. my life has definitely not gotten any better. sure, there were moments where id experience bursts of happiness and id actually feel glad to be alive but the down moments have been getting more frequent. i blamed my suicidal thoughts on this specific factor in my life which i got rid of a few months ago. things were actually getting better. i was actually talking to my dad more frequently and i was havign so much fun just talking to my younger brother. grades were looking fine and everything seemed to be going ridiculously well. my luck ran out just a month after and things were back to normal. my version of normal at this point is just sitting in my room all day without doing anything productive and having minimal contact with my family members. my suicidal thoughts soon continued and would frequently visit me every few hours. the reminder from my dad that id be kicked out once i turn 18 did not help either. when i was 13, i was actually attempting suicide for the first time. initially i wanted to run away from home but seeing how unrealistic it was, i wondered if id die if i were to jump off the second floor of my house. logically speaking i would not have died but maybe i would have gotten medical help to cure these thoughts. i wish i could have reached out for help earlier in my life. i mean, i do not think anybody would have done anything since they cannot exactly understand me. my dad was struggling so much as a single parent and I am sure he was suicidal himself. i heard from somewhere that these thoughts are hereditary so i would not be surprised if he suffers from them as well. i wish i could go back in time and talk to my younger self. today i got involved in a discussion which ended up with my dad and i practically talking about our past. once upon a time i was close with my dad and id actually talk to him everyday. with the flow of time we ended up talking less and less due to multiple conflicts. our relationship is now irreparable. i cannot get myself to hug him properly or tell him how much i love him because that is just so foreign to me. i feel so sorry for everyone including my past self. i did nothing but burden everyone with my issues. i wonder why i was born. i wonder what is the point of this life. I am in so much pain i do not know what to do. even now i have the choice to end it all but i do not think my dad deserves this. maybe I am just making excuses for myself. if i die, who will take care of my cat anyway? i wish i could restart this life. just venting, not in need of any kind of help",Suicidal +25774,"I do not know why I feel like this. I just do not want to live anymore. My mom has been abusive to me for about two years. She compares me to other kids and asks why I cannot be better. She wishes I was dead and hopes for me to just disappear one day. When I try and stand up for myself, she hits me. My dad does not care about me at all because if he confronts my mom, she might divorce him, and he will not make as much money. I am tired of being third and getting yelled at. I am tired of living with my mom. I just want to sit somewhere and die. I think about dying and killing myself every day, but deep down, I know I am not going to do it, but I honestly do not know what to do anymore. Nobody loves me or cares about me. I do not want to kill myself, but I do not want to live anymore. I just want to give up",Suicidal +25775,"Hi!First, I am very sorry for the errors, english is not my first language and I do not have the energy to read an correct :(So a little background, I am a master student in electrical engineering, I completed my bachlor degree with honors last semester. I do not love electrical engineering but I am not bad at it and I enjoy learning so I wanted to persue a master degree. I am an international student and I live far from my family which I love!!I have always been kind of pessimistic, a friend even told me that I enjoy being sad because I only read books about racism, wars and injustice. Essays that try to explain them and stuff like that. I hardly ever watch feel good movies because I do not see the point of them.I have not seen my family since december 2019 because of travel restrictions and how badly covid is handled in my country, I am not sure I will be able to visit them this summer or even during chrismas. My studies have also been a million times harder with zoom-university due to isolation and the courses being already pretty hard.&#x200B;Anyway here is the core of the problem : since maybe 5 months I cry with no reason, I feel super overwhelmed without any particular reason. it is the end of the world when I have to send even the simplest mail. Last week I was either crying or sleeping. I do not want to do anything and even if I wanted I don""t have the physical ability to do so. Today for example I motivated myself to get out of bed at midday (miserable I know), I took my laptop and all I had to do was take the bus to the university. I could not do that and I just laid on the first bench I saw and slept there...This is obviously affecting my research, I want to tell my supervisor the issues I am facing but I am scared that everybody is tired and sad because of the pandemic and I am just being over-dramatic. I saw a psychologist march 2020 that told me after 20min that I had depression and anxiety but I did not like her nor did I trust what she said.Sooooo I guess my question is, do you think I should see a doctor for this and talk to my supervisor or life's supposed to be this hard? Am I depressed or just not doing enough?",Depression +25776,"How pathetic you have to be that you vent on a reddit post instead of getting your shit together. I have not had any sense of motivation for years now, no self-esteem for even longer. I cannot see a future were I make it, no girlfriend, no academic success, no healthy relationship with my parents, my friends are seemingly avoiding me. The only things I have are the funny video games that distract me and do not letting any emotion out of myself. I am going to die alone and it is all my fault. This unlovable piece of shit is going to kill itself. All my fault. With the only things leaving behind being a suicide note and a void on the people I knew that they do not deserve, but fuck it what is even the point on continuing with my life I cannot see myself being a normal functioning fucking human being, maybe then you will tell her how you feel you coward piece of shit fucking stupid useless idiot waste of resources. Oh hey it is me venting to randos on the internet",Depression +25777,"I am tired, both because its getting harder to sleep, and because I might be slipping back down the same holes I have fell down before. I am such a piece of shit, because I know I could fix my life, but a part of me wants to be in pain. I know I do not deserve the things I have, I know if I was a better person, I might actually be happy. Its not all my choice, my voices make me feel this way, but its all my head, in the end, it does not matter, I am just going to have to put up with my insanity I guess. I just need a job, and to quit drinking, and to get an education, and to just in general be fucking better, but everytime I try I stop halfway through, because I realize its harder to do good than to fuck up. I wish I had the strength to be someone I could be proud of, someone who maybe, someday, might be worthy of being loved, I just know that Ill likely be dead before it ever happens. It never changes",Suicidal +25778,"Is it just me that loves sleeping ? It calms me from all the thoughts and I feel like I am being hugged from my blanket and stuffed animal, I feel warm yet cold. I feel peaceful Bed",Depression +25779,"Hey, Brian, do us a favor and kill us before 16. Thanks. Found a note from my 10 year old self. I got rid of it hoping my family would not see it.",Depression +25780,"I either want to slap you in the face, or hug you I really want to reach out to you",Suicidal +25781,"i used to think id be fine alone. you vibe by yourself and you realize you do not need many people. key word. many. you still need some. i have virtually no one let alone anyone to talk to about my problems. i sit in my room late at night turning my hands on auto pilot while playing games and get stuck in my head which replays every bad thing. man adhd sure is a bitch. the one girl who i found that was mature, beautiful, funny, just perfect. has a man. she is talking to me less and less. probably sent around 12 messages to me this week. it hurts. i know a relationship would not solve my problems but damnit it would help. Solitude",Depression +25782,"Some days, I would be doing okay. but desire to kill myself or thoughts always come back. Its like addiction. I cannot ever get away from this shit anymore. Always come back til i die. Wherever I go, I look for ways or weapons to kill myself. Trying to distract myself from these thoughts all day is tiring. My brain always goes back there. I just cannot run away from it. I just want to die. I am done. I cannot ever go back to where i was who i was. i was a happy kid. i always had good friends and people. I was happy but i do not know what happened to me. i cannot be who i was. I am no longer happy for anything. I cannot find interest or fun in anything. Nothing is fun. everyday, i am just trying not to kill myself. Tired all day. Not drinking makes me feel like shit and gives me headache. Drinking makes everything worse. I do not know what to do. My responsibilities do not go away. still trying to do things while thinking about dying. it is not working. I am done trying to get help from others. I know they do not want to hear shit or talk about this, i know they are tired of this me. I am tired of myself too. Everyone gives up on me, then why would i not do the same. Just want to go back who I was before all shit happened. If It is not possible, then i just want to die and disappear. Always comes back, never fully goes away",Suicidal +25783,"i was planning on killing myself in september but i really want to kill myself tomorrow or the next day. I want to kill myself so so badly but the only thing stopping me is that i do not want to ruin my sister or my best friends birthdays. my sister and i are not that close but i still really love her and want her to have a good birthday and my best friend is really the only person who cares about me and their birthday is at the end of august and i do not want to ruin it for them but i cannot do this anymore. i do not know how I am going to make it another 72 days, i really cannot do this, i just want to end it. i do not know what to do",Suicidal +25784,"The title says it all. I am 23 years old, coming up on 4 years sober in a month, but yet I feel hopeless. My first 2.5 years of recovery were awesome. I lived in a recovery house, had a great network, went to meetings all the time. Everything was great.The last year and a half on the other hand have not been so pleasant. I moved out of my recovery home and moved back home to go to school. I have not established any sort of network back home, I have just been putting all my time and effort into school and work and now I just have nobody. I cut everyone off at home since I used with them and they were no good to be around, so now I go to school, go to work and then sit by myself. I feel hopeless. I fell back into old ways and started betting on sports constantly because I justify that by saying its not using any sort of drugs but really its just filling it with another addiction.Everyone my age is out partying and having fun, but not me. I am jealous of those people at times, and the same time I am not. I just do not know where I fit in, what to do, or what I am doing at this point. Again, like the title says, I feel hopeless. If you read all of this, thank you for reading my shitty vent. Feel hopeless and alone",Depression +25785,"I am 25 years old and have dealt with depression since I was about 11. I am at this point where I cannot help but wonder if I will live with it for the rest of my life. My life has a foundation of guilt because of my family. I grew up without a dad and only ever had my mom and two older sisters. I learned early on that our family was skilled at guilt-tripping each other. For some reason, it seriously affected me. I did not realize it until my current therapist pointed it out; I do not feel so sorry around men, but any woman can make me feel guilty with just a look. I am not trying to be misogynistic, it is just how I function. I tear up when I have to explain to an instructor that I am submitting an assignment late, I have avoided the dentist because the receptionist reminds me too much of my mom and I am overdue for an appointment, and I have a hard time telling my psychiatrist that a medication is not working. I apologize to my girlfriend for my depression almost every day. I even apologize when I climax. I feel like I have tried all the coping methods by now, but they do not stick. I feel like a burden on my partner, and that drives the guilt. The worst part is that I sometimes wish she would leave me so I could just end it.I am sorry if this is rambling, I just feel like this is the first clear thought I have had in a while. I do not know a life without guilt or depression.",Depression +25786,"I am bored.. and tired.... I feel like a burden... like I do not entirely matter School is starting in about a month and I am not looking forward to it.. I am scared I will be seen as an embarrassment again. That I will be the laughing stock, the weird kid. The kid that cries in the corner.. I do not want people finding out about this.. possible depression either... I am just afraid on someone finding out and either belittling me because my problems are not as important as others... or worse changing how they act around me. Or telling my mom about it... she is suffered so much the past year... plus there is the financial problem.. she just.. cannot find out.... not now.... I am just not happy",Depression +25787,I am a terrible person who only brings suffering to other people the world would seriously be a better place without me I am a terrible person,Suicidal +25788,I am 21 and I feel like I have done nothing in life. My family and others telling me I have not done anything in life.Out of all my siblings I feel like the fuck up. I feel like a failure I see everyone else around me happy and enjoying their lives while I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop of bad days. I am at work majority of my day and I get home and I am completely burnt out to do anything. And even then I never like going anywhere and I hate it. I feel like being alone is my safe place but majority of the time I am fighting with my head. Nothing ever goes good for me and it bums me out everyday. It seems like I can never do anything right. Everyone tends to ask if I am ok and I usually say I am when I am not. I feel like its hard for me to explain how I feel to others. I tend to think about suicide but I think of my family and I tend to stop but now its getting really hard to hang on anymore. Burnt out and tired of everything,Depression +25789,"People literally told me I should kill myself, and that I am not any better than the people who do these thingsIm starting to think the world would be better off without me I just a horrible person for not wanting to get involved with tragic events",Depression +25790,"Why do i always fuck up, guys cannot do anything right",Depression +25791,"* Holy shit. My Friends mom called me, she said that her daughter had committed suicide. I am in so much fucking tears right now, I am at there house, there is so much blood...she did not want to leave me right?? she will come back, right!? I have LOST TO MANY GOD DAMN PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. MY MOM, MY DOG, MY BEST FRIEND, AND ANOTHER BEST FRIEND. GID FUCKING DAMN IT, there is BLOOD EVERYWHERE, I cannot ESCAPE THIS, ITS HAUNTING ME. EVERYWHERE I GO, EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE HER, I SEE HER DEAD. she is going to COME BACK, RIGHT, RIGHT!? I am in tears. Please, please help.",Suicidal +25792,"I would say I am pretty content with my life except when it comes to dating. I can never get a date no matter how hard I try. The one thing i want to experience in life is romance, & its something Ill never be able to experience. Seeing couples everywhere I go rubs salt in the wound. I want to slit my wrists and bleed out in a bathtub. My love life",Suicidal +25793,"life is not worth living, everything hurts, there is no reason for me to be here, ill never be good enough and ill always be worthless. i was planning to kill myself in september but i want to kill myself right now, I am seriously contemplating just taking all the pills now. i know i cannot because i have to finish writing my notes and my will, clean the house, clean my room, and organize my stuff to be donated or given away first but god i want so badly to just end it right now. i cannot do this anymore it hurts so bad. i just want it to stop. i just know that taking all the pills and drifting off into sleep would take it all away and make me feel so much better. I cannot do this anymore",Suicidal +25794,"I feel obsolete; like I have nothing to offer this world. I am one person out of the 7.9 billion other people coexisting on this earth so the question is, what makes me so important? What do I have to offer over anyone else in this world? What is my purpose and why am I here and why do I even matter? So many questions run rampant through my mind, left unanswered as I go about my day, not living, rather, solely existing. Sure, I have my own passions and people and causes that are important to me. I love to workout, play basketball, draw, surf, hang out with friends, and play with my dogs. My heart aches for kids in the foster care system, especially teens who age out never finding a place to call home. I care about fighting to make a difference in the lives of those around me and I strive to always be kind no matter what. Nonetheless, I feel as though all of this is in vain. My life has really only just begun and yet I feel as though my time has come and gone. The last grain of sand in the hourglass of my life has slipped through to the other side and my existence and importance to the world is now obsolete. I do not matter; I am merely a speck on this earth that will continue to go unnoticed and unseen. At least that is what it feels like. I do not have any hope for my future because everything I do feels so unnecessary and unimportant. I feel worthless I feel obsolete",Depression +25795,I am unlovable and talked down to. I am a bag of cells and a soul in pain. I do not want to leave bed because why does anything matter. I want to fade away into nothing and Ill be unoticed. I am forgettable. I have no support. I just do not want to be here,Depression +25796,"Why is everything so difficult for me? Lately I have been feeling like I cannot make anything happen how I want it. I have a to do list and then everything is so difficult and time consuming to cross off. Its like for some reason everything is being made harder than it has to be. I try and take care of something and then it becomes so many more tasks than originally. That it feels like it never ends and therefore nothing gets done. Its been kind of depressing and demotivating because well if I put in all this effort and time and energy and still do not complete something once I run out of time, what is the pointIts frustrating I feel like I cannot do anything right. I am getting exhausted and feel burnt out. But do not feel like I even deserve to feel that way because nothing gets done. Why is everything so difficult for me to do?",Depression +25797,hi uh took 600mg of melatonin pills i will not die but will there be some side effects? help (?) melatonin effects,Suicidal +25798,"tonight I do not want to live anymore. I have no intentions of hurting myself and know enough about psychology to understand the lies depression can tell us to push us to the edge. I know self-harm, however tempting it is, is harm that self-loving me would not let pass, and I know she is the one to listen to, she is the part of me that I elected president of the big decisions club.But it does not change the fact that tonight I do not want to live. It does not change the fact that I do not want to wake up tomorrow. I wish I could just check out of my life for a little while, take a vacation from the pain in my body, from the pain in my brain and in my heart. From all the fucking culpability. Forget about how my pain pains my loved ones. Or how I feel ungrateful feeling like nobody helps me. I am frozen, petrified in this neverending depression but nobody calls that psychologist and take an appointment for me. Nobody comes and help me clean my place because I just cannot. Nobody just takes me for a drive to the countryside so I can experience real silence and feel like I can finally breathe. Nobody actively does anything, takes control of any part that I try to grasp at but fail.I am invited over everywhere though. Come fit in our lives for awhile. Experience how it is to be alive, have a life, do things. I know you have sensory issues and that right now feeling like shit like you do, just a whisper is sometimes too loud, but hey whenever you FEEL BETTER and want to come by my busy life, just tell me. Whenever you feel like you can take in how I live, please come see me. Just how the fuck? Is this how it is? I feel utterly, completely alone. Surrounded by suggestions of activites, by invitations, by 'just come by and we will have a family BBQ with 4 different people there' when I have trouble being with my fucking self tonight. When I have enough trouble deciding what to eat that I decide not to eat. When all I need is someone just passing by and deciding everything for me for an evening. 'What makes you feel really good and then let us do that tonight' type of deal. I do not even dare to ask, because how entitled am I to ask someone to put their life on hold for me for an evening, for a weekend, for a bit? To take me by the hand like a kid. To do things for me, a grown-ass adult. They have their own lives to figure out. So many things to do around their house, alot of projects, plans, obligations. Their hands are full with their own plate, and here I am whining because they will not take mine for an evening. Ungrateful, ungrateful.I know a diary would be a better recipient for the content of my bag tonight, but maybe a stranger telling me that they feel me, and that a burrito style hug is all I deserve, maybe that would make me hope that tomorrow will be about burritos and silence and will make me go to bed wanting to see the next day, just a little bit. I am okay, but",Depression +25799,"I just hate myself man. I feel really low and shitty and I cannot stop thinking about how insufferable and disappointing I am to everyone. And then I come to subs like these to get free brownie points to make up for the lack of validation I get anywhere else and I feel pathetic. But at least I can get it out somewhere. Everywhere else I try to get it out I feel like I am being annoying and like my problems are not *enough.* Like I am not *allowed* to feel suicidal. But I do, really badly, want to be gone. I cannot do this for much longer",Depression +25800,....life is just misery... I wish I was dead,Suicidal +25801,"what is the point of life, I do not understand why I am here. The only two people that love me and I love, my mother and grandmother, are depressed. I lost my grandfather. My friends have gone away, on to better things. I have nothing to live for. what is the point, to get high? Is that it? Fuck this. Why am I here",Suicidal +25802,"I figure I will leave a note here and in my note pad app because fuck it lol. I have no one now. My family does not give a fuck about me and I do not care about them. The only person I was sticking it out for is gone and I doubt will come back. We ended on good terms but fuck it, life is and has been silent agony for the last 14 years. All my family that loved me (my mom, aunt, grandpa, first dog) are dead or have dementia (my grandma). No one else gives a flying fuck about me so come the week of the 18th I am going to treat myself for a few meals to a dinner at a local expensive Italian restaurant, and maybe a few other places have t decided yet since I will be all alone that week. I think my last meal is going to. Be steak Mac n cheese and enough wine to get drunk off my ass with so I can get the balls to just hang myself or jump off a close bridge into the river (at least 40 feet from bridge to water). I cannot stand being alone. We had plans to get an apartment together in August, we have a dog together. I really thought we could be together for ever but clearly I am unlovable even by my own family I guess it no surprise. I am tired. So fucking tired of feeling less than others, like I am not worth love or time from other people. My dad and his fiance are getting married around those days, oh fucking well. Enjoy you wedding and honeymoon and all the rest of your summer. Never invited me to anything fun, just assumed I would rather sit out and rot or god forbid spend time with me to go see a fucking movie. Nope. Rather go golfing with someone else at the spur of the moment. You, her and your friends and her kids go wine tasting even after telling me no because it is too expensive. Go fuck yourselves. you have always been a shitty father and a shitty husband. No fucking wonder mom left your ass. I would too if I had a husband like you.Now on to your precious son Matt, oh if only the shit you knew he did to me as a child. He ruined my chances at growing up in a normal house because you let him go off his bipolar medications. Also never though I would put it out there but he molested me when I was 7. So go gloat how proud you are of him some more.Tom. I am proud of you. You were a good big brother and although we are not close. You were still kind to me growing up and I appreciate that even though we are not blood related. I am not angry at you in anyway and I hope this does not affect you. Sue,Joe, Megan. I do not know what happened. I truly do not. We all used to be so close growing up. But then as soon as I hit 18 no contact unless I reach out first. No invites to lake house when you are clearly up there. No invites to holidays or even wishing happy____ unless I say it first. I doubt any of you ever think about me. Sawyer: DO NOT FOLLOW AFTER ME, STAY ABD KEEP VOODOO HAPPY AND MOVE ON. I CAUSED ENOUGH MISERY BEING ALIVE. I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY BEING AND IF I CAN I will SEND YOU SOME SIGN OF THE AFTERLIFE. THANK YOU FOR ALL you have DONE FOR ME THESE 8 YEARS. you have BEEN MY BEST FRIEND WHEN EVERYONE ELSE LEFT AND I CANNOT EXPRESS ENOUGH HOW I FEEL. I AM NLT ANGRY AT YOU. you have BEEN MORE THAN I EVER DESERVED AND THE BEST I will EVER HAVE. I LOVE YOU AND PLEASE FORGIVE ME.If I had a loving family maybe I could get through this easier but I guess fate has other plans.I want to donate what can be salvaged off my corpse. The rest just cremate and toss in the lake. Everyone can have whatever possessions I have but I want my money donated to a German shepherd oriented charity or just to the SPCA. IF I fuck up I do not want to be kept on life support. LET MY SUFFERING END.I highly doubt there is an afterlife but I do not want to see any of you there if there is one. I honestly hate most of you now. I was 100% correct when I assumed my boyfriend was going to breakup with me. My date is now set.",Suicidal +25803,Idk what to do to feel like anyone likes me or has any interest in me. I am so boring bc I cannot leave my apartment without having a panic attack. No one wants to spend time with me and I am the only one who reaches out for plans. I am going to end up alone. I wish someone in my life would just fucking realize how much I fight off the urge to hurt myself and how often I cannot hold back. I just want to feel normal I always feel worthless,Depression +25804,"My depression is all over the scale, sometimes I do not want to leave my room. Other days I can function but it feels more like I am on autopilot. However even with all that I always have the since of feeling done. I feel calm, I do not fear death, I do not actively look for it, but I whole heartily welcome it at anytime. it is like I am functioning like a good little normal robot should though I am waiting for something to end it all for me. Almost as if I am just waiting for whatever part of my monkey brain that holds the ""self preservation function"" to finally deteriorate enough to just end it.I am still alive and I am functioning because I have to, not because I want too if that makes sense. Simply Waiting",Depression +25805,"I just want to stop feeling like thishappiness feels like a break from reality, which is a constant state of numbI just want to fucking be happy I am suffering and no one cares, no one notices, no one sees, no one understands I do not want to fucking be here anymore man fuck the usual",Depression +25806,"Seriously. I am actually so tired of being depressed and I do not have the energy to get myself to function like a person. I should be applying to jobs, I should be trying to make friends, I should be trying to work out/start a gym membership. But I just cannot get myself to start. I wake up and am hopeful that today will be the day that I finally help myself, but no. I somehow waste the day watching TV or reading shit though Reddit, or looking through different things online to purchase. I am 28 years old. I hate going on social media because it makes me feel like shit, and I hate looking at things my childhood friends are doing because I have somehow disconnected from them through the years, and lost most of my college friends. I feel so alone and lost. I need help. Where do I even start? Fish oil pills? Therapy? Psychiatrist? Its like I know what to do but I do not know how to do it What can I do make these thoughts stop? To make the pain stop? I need help.",Depression +25807,it hurts so much knowing i was the reason you were scared and worried. You should not love me. I am not a good person. I did this to you and still want to die even now. it would be so much easier if you just did not care about me. Why do you have to care so much? I wish you did not. Then i would not feel bad dying. And you would not feel sad about me dying. I still want to die so so badly but how can uou still care about me and say you love me? I am selfish and undeserving of it. Why cannot you stop caring about me? Why do i still want to die even knowing how badly it would hurt you? I am so sorry. This is why i need to die.this just proves how horrible and selfish i really am. Wanting to die even with wonderful friends around me who care. I am sorry I wish you did not care,Suicidal +25808,"I feel like more often than ever, my partner has called me and I am already in bed, in the dark, consumed by my thoughts. They ask me how I am doing or what my thoughts are and I avoid by asking them how they are, how their day was, etc. I asked them point blank if it was tiring for them and they said yes (I expect full honesty from them and vice versa), but they still think I am amazing and kept showering me with compliments and coming up with ways to help. And I know both thoughts can exist at the same time, but I still feel bad. My partner had a pretty good day today. They got to see family and friends and here I am at the end of the day (we usually talk fully at 11pm) with my mental soup and insecurities. I constantly feel like I am a burden to them, even if they refute that. Does anyone else feel this way? I feel guilty.",Depression +25809,I am nothing I am worthless I am just a stupid fucking junkie again,Suicidal +25810,I feel numb everyday. I am only here because I could not hurt her like that. Not sure what to do. I would kill myself if it was not for my mother.,Suicidal +25811,"Like the title says, I cannot understand why its said, people constantly say things like that and in my head I think its a good idea, and even so I do not want to. I currently have a therapist who I think is great, unfortunately, i physically cannot speak to him about what is bothering me, how I am constantly sad, how I feel like I am more of a nuisance and burden to people who know me, how I because more problems than I solve, and even though hes my therapist, I cannot say anything, not to him, my mom, my dad, nobody, its not about pride, I just cannot, I wish I could, but I cannot, all I really know is that the only way I could tell any of them things like this is if I was already dead and gone, that way I would not have to be there, and even then, it seems like to much and something that I cannot do, and like I said, I do not know why, any ideas? I really need some I do not understand the get professional help statement",Depression +25812,"I have been struggling with depression for 4 years now, I am 14. I have been into a mental hospital twice for suicidal ideations. And 1 attempt along with self harm. I am currently at my girlfriend's house typing this. My father is dying from several illnesses. My mother treats me like I am not even her child sometimes. My 2 best friends killed themselves in March of this year. I do not even want to be here anymore. My anxiety is so bad i throw up whenever i enter a classroom. And my adhd makes it nearly impossible to do online learning. I do not have a future anyway. I have been at my girlfriend's house for almost a week and she treats me like I am not even here most of the time. I plan on walking out to the highway and just walking into the cars in less than an hour. Its midnight so it would not be very difficult. I do not know anymore, i do not want to die. But i do not want to live either. Thanks to anyone who reads this, its probably the last thing I will ever write. This is my first post like this",Suicidal +25813,there is a song called tounge and it makes me feel something idk what it is but idk.And pretty much it makes me really fucking miss this guy hes my best friend and I just miss him so so so so fuckin much and when I hear the song I want to off myself and just want to self harm and want to harm myself in anyway possible but like also its like when I want to kill myself there is a way I want to fall like for a long time and just fall and fall and fall and while I am falling I want to listen to this song just over and over and over while I am falling into nothing with no other sounds just the song put I also want pain like a the pain that feels good like idk but to put a picture in your mind its pitch black your falling endlessly and its peaceful tho but while your falling there are ruby red lights that match the beat of the music and you just fall to red lights that match the beat of the song and you just think and think to the song while falling but you also feel a nice pain like when you keep a finger under really hot water and then it feels freezing or like something and then you take it out that pain but all over but you want it to all happen its like idk but you do eventually stop falling but you fade away in to dust while your falling and it turns white and you just fade to the song and idk to me it seems like the most peaceful and beautiful way for me to go that is the way I do want to go just fading while falling down a long tunnel to the song tounge while red flashes match every beat and you feel a pain but one you love but everywhere else is numb you do not even feel the air wrap around the sides of you when you fall but eventually your just gone. Tounge(its kind of weird),Suicidal +25814,"I have been thinking about it a lot lately. it is so simple. Walk up to a cop and just try to fight him and try to get him to shoot you. These thoughts see very intrusive for me but also suicidal thoughts in general. For example, I went camping over the weekend and I just kept thinking about shoving my face into the fire. I do not know why. It probably would not even kill me and it would be very painful. But the thoughts do not go away. They never do. Suicide via cop",Depression +25815,"idk when she is in pain i end up in pain x10 and just get extreme anxiety about her for random things, and the fact its LDR does not helpI wish no one ever cared about me so I could just go in peace with no one giving a fuck, there is no good reason so stay alive i should probably break up with my gf before i kill myself over her",Suicidal +25816,"Got broken up with four months ago and have been in the worst depressive episode since then. My heart has been physically hurting (I can feel the pain in my chest) every single day since then. It sometimes subsides, but every single morning it hits me again and it physically hurts. Had an EKG and everything was fine, but its just odd. Its just another addition into the list of depressive symptoms I guess. Heart physically hurts",Depression +25817,Get me a gun in my hands no prob Maybe Ill swipe right on a me & a deer I killed pic dude and ask him to take me to a shooting range,Suicidal +25818,I think about this everyday I want to die.,Depression +25819,"do not have the energy to type, so I will keep it short. I have a lot of issues and my best friend left me yesterday. It was a mutual decision, we decided to end everything because I constantly brought her mood down and my problems are not hers. Hurts like hell. I loved that girl. I have nothing to anchor myself to . End me. "" I never thought I would die alone, I laughed the loudest who would have known...""",Suicidal +25820,"I miss her so much. We hurt each other but she really fucked me up. Smoking a pack a day, eating pills more than food. I am lost and there is no one to find me. What am I looking for? An end. I tried to find it multiple times and it never worked. My entire life has been filled with heartache, death, and all sorts of fucked up shit. I feel like this ends with me. I always told myself my resilience came from carrying my two brothers in my heart so they could live on through my memories. If I die, 3 people die. It will not be a suicide, it will be me killing their memories and myself. I do not even want help, I want to find peace. I miss her so much. I hate that she was the remedy because that was way too much pressure to place on her. I never told her that she was the cure, she knew it I am sure. I hate how we ended things and I cannot reach out to her now even if I wanted. she will never come to look because I am the last thing she wants to see. But as you know Annie, I am just a kid from queens and nothing do not mean shit to me.Love,Razor blade salvation R Tonights unbearable Annie",Depression +25821,"Most subs do not understand this whenever i say this, but i just cannot take it anymore. These two people I run into in one of my favorite games and modes within said game, and it is just the worst experience ever whenever I play against them. They spam laugh, they taunt, they talk shit to us in chat, and they win every single game, every single time, and I just want to slit my wrists every time. I put so much time and effort in taking the little oppurtunities i have for fun to the highest degree, but the game just gets ruined every time. I then start connecting it to my own worth and i want to just end it all, I have cut because of it in the past. These people will never understand, never stop, never get consequences, and i want to die. Running into the same people in a game and it makes me want to waste away and die.",Depression +25822,"Is this my rock bottom? My life has been flipped upside down within the past 48 hours. I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child. But never have I felt more alone than I do now. My fianc is leaving and taking our animals. Were selling our house. I cannot go to family. I feel like I cannot go to my friends. My life was rebuilt and just when I reached a point where I did not curse out the person I saw in the mirror every morning, it ends. Just to now be so alone and with no purpose or direction. I have got drafts of letters to send to family if it comes to that. But I cannot even do that. I am scared and I have nobody to even talk to. I do not know why I am posting this on Reddit. I am not expecting empathetic responses. But my notes on my phone just are not doing anything for me. I guess this is just an outlet. Not sure where else to go",Depression +25823,"Dear Stranger, I am going through a lot of pain and internal turmoil myself. I do not know how to get through it. I do not know if any of this is worth it and if anything is ever going to feel good and make me content. I do not know if anyone will ever want me since I am an insecure piece of emotional baggage that is fat and dumb. But everyone deserves to be loved and cared for (at least I believe so). So to whoever is reading, I love you. You might be thinking that its not a sincere I love you so therefore it does not matter. However, I am sure that if I took the time to know you and spend time with you I would love you (if anyone ever needs someone to talk to I am here for you). there is no reason not to love you. Even if you do not believe you are worth being loved because of what you have done or who you are, well sucks for you because you are not changing my mind and I. Love. You. You do not get to choose whether people love you and I have made up my mind. I do love you. I at least want to love you. I am not trying to be some corny, heartfelt poser, I am actually quite crummy myself. I just believe that a lot of people are victims of circumstance and suffer through choices not of their own, and need all the love they can get. I know this is a dumb, weird letter. Who writes letters anymore anyways. I am just someone on their bed not able to cry myself to sleep tonight trying to make it so maybe someone does not have to cry themself to sleep. Love,Some Stranger A Letter.",Depression +25824,"A year and a half of Isolation. I already lived alone. Over the months I started becoming an alcoholic again. My last straw was yet another asshole misdagnosing me at the VA. After years treatment for ptsd after almost dying from a direct hit hit from an ef5 tornado that took my home and cars. I am not even going to get into that day and what it felt like but I am different and broken now. But no - one dr says ptsd is inconvenient for him. Of fuckinv course I have ptsd from that. To suggest otherwise is cruel. Tonight i got drunk because I was sad I could not camp with my friends due to my insect sting allergy. I cannot even be outside like a normal person because 1 fire ant sting could kill me. you cannot do anything apparently. And then I was drunk bitching about something which my best friend took personal. Maybe I was mad about something bit I cannot remember. I was so drunk I cannot say she is wrong. All I know is it is another serious relationship gone. My last straw was my beloved brother parting ways unexpectedly months back because ""I am just like"" everyone else in the family he resents. Then I got pushed out of an online community I treasured for almost 2 years. I do not belong here. I have already broken things and sliced myself with my keys. I cannot go inpatient because no one can watch my pets. I am over it",Suicidal +25825,"my relationship is over but we are still living together and sharing a bed. it hurts so badly and i cannot get over the pain. this just happened and i keel thinking i need to get out or escape or get a new apartment, by i cannot stop thinking that if i just kill myself before that shoe drops then everything will be so much easier. i will still have my relationship and my life and my happiness, in theory. but the reality is i just cannot deal with any of this and with feeling so alone. i feel like my whole life has been shattered and the one person i want to turn to is not only the one who broke it but has moved on and left me alone to collect the pieces.my depression was already creeping back but i am so tired. i have been fighting for so long and i cannot keep doing this. i am tired. i do not know how to be alone",Suicidal +25826,Mental an emotional abuses like him should be fucking shot! Mental and emotional abuse by: SHAWN CLIFTON KING,Suicidal +25827,"I was doing better, I swear.Then one small thing, or a series of things, and I am suddenly back where I am started. I am crying. Everyone seems to have freedom, I barely have any friends to hang out with, and everyone has moved on. Its like the pandemic is past them, and I am still here. I feel like I would be worse off, if I did not have my boyfriend. Hes my best friend. We have fun together, we hang out. But... I miss my other friends. My family has been so cold to me. they have belittled me, screamed at me, shamed me. I do not remember them being like this before... I feel like I am losing my fucking mind. I go to therapy but, I still feel like I am drowning. It seems like everyone has improved, has made their free time useful. And I have not. I have just been rotting here in my mind. And I do not have the energy to leave my bed. I am trying, and I do not know why its so hard...I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its all dark. Will it ever end?",Depression +25828,"I just want to say that I am sorry to everyone that I am going to hurt. I think that would be my biggest regret. I know people care for me and that I am loved, but unfortunately, I do not think that I can go on any longer with my depression. It is not anyones fault, nor do I think this could be prevented. I wanted to say thank you to my family, Mommy, Daddy, and Logan, for always being supportive and encouraging throughout my life. I cannot express how much love I have for you guys. I am sorry for everything mean I ever said to you because I can promise you that I never wanted to hurt you. Thank you to my dogs, Bailey, Zach, Owen, and Winx for being good little doggies that I could go to for emotional support at the last points in my life. Thank you to Isabelle, who has been my best friend through probably multiple lives. You are the bestest friend that I could have ever asked for. And lastly, Deacon, for being the kindest boyfriend to me. I love you so much. I had a lot of dreams that could never be reached, but that is okay because my biggest dream was to travel the universe, and that is where I am now. I am with the stars because that was always my favorite thing about the world. Thank you for letting me have a human experience, but I think it is time for my soul to travel to other places, other lives. I am always in everyone is hearts, so I am not truly gone. I will see everyone in another life <3 -Lily, age 14, July 5, 11:01PM Goodbye",Suicidal +25829,"How am I suppose to tell her that I am depressed?How am I suppose to tell her that no, I have not done any work because lately I have been sleeping on and off, that time is a blur, that no, I have not found the motivation I was looking for, and no, my body just is not letting me work -- instead, it clings onto my bedsheets and I rot and that at this point, I am just a living corpse. She told me about a family friend, about how she is 30 now, how she has a pHD and is working in pharmacy, and how she is hoping I will follow after her footsteps. She turns to my dad every afternoon, under the dim kitchen light they talk about me -- about me potentially getting into an ivy league, about my potential and me being lightyears ahead in intellect, about me and my future, about me and my marriage, about me and my kids, about me, about me, about me. I feel like this future ""me"" they talk about is some sort of another entity. I have long disconnected myself from my future, because I am convinced I will die before then. The worst part about it is that I am content.. with it. I do not want to live. I do not want to grow into this me they want so badly to see. I just wish there was someway to let them down... I know they will be disappointed if they see my dead body, they will think about my potential, about all the things they wanted me to be -- vanished, dead, quiet, gone. I wonder if they know that I am already in the process of rewriting myself. That everyday -- I am rotting even more, that everyday, I am contributing less and less -- learning less and less -- and fading away until I am just: dead. I hope I die before they see the disappointment in their faces. I hope I die before I actually become a failure. I want to go with lost hope: like a hero who had so much to save but was held back... by something. I want to die before I finish being a disappointment. I want to die now, when I am at the height of myself, before the fall. Mom asked me if I did any work this summer and I am falling out again.",Suicidal +25830,"I have been suicidal for 2 years, but my attempts were never serious.Today, I arrived to the point where my mind was broken. All I could think of was that today was the day I was going to end my life.I went to the bathroom and took an entire bottle of sleeping pills, and I swallowed every pill.When I finished, I felt relieved. I just thought that death was going to be awesome from now on. that is when my mom called me, and he told me many things. She put my sisters on the video call, and I just saw how happy they were to see me. I saw the happiness in their eyes when I told them I was going to visit them soon.I immediately started to feel guilt and regret for being so selfish. I did not want to ruin my sisters life just because she was too precious to receive those news.I hung up and tried to vomit the pills, but it was too late. My stomach was empty.I started to panic, and I could not all an ambulance.I have never believed in God, but I started praying.I prayed to be given a second chance.I prayed because I did not want to die.I just started feeling really tired. I touched my chest but could not feel my heart.I could have sworn that death was watching me in that instant. I tried to revive my heart, but the blood pressure was just so low that I could have died.Everything turned black then.Now it was just me and my thoughts.Maybe I was actually dead for a brief second. But miracles happen. I woke up.My heart was still very weak, but at least I came back to life.I walked so that my heart recovered.Ill never attempt suicide again.The feeling of regret that I felt as I realized that I was going to die soon is a feeling that Ill never forget.Please, if you are reading this, just know that there is help.Sometimes suicide may seem like the best option for you, but I can assure you that when we are truly on the verge of death, that is when you know your true feeling about life.I do not want to die. I want to fight life and become stronger. Life gave me a second chance, and I will use it to become a better person. Just today, as I felt death breathing on my neck, was it that I realized that I do not actually want to die.",Suicidal +25831,"I have confirmed my stance as a member in my own family: an absolute failure. I blew away most of my own family and friends, and I haplessly threw my life on the line. I may have failed more than I would like to admit, but a day will come where I will succeed. Those who are closest to me are the ones I hurt the most. The ones who truly cared about me, I stabbed them and twisted the blade.Its finally time the blade goes where it should have gone long ago. I have officially gone to far...",Suicidal +25832,"First, on the larger scale. 1. The world for humans is ending anyway the climate crisis is now felt tangibly year by year, the air in my home country is unbreathable most of the time.2. Politically, I do not see a future for this world. I do not even have an ounce of hope that we will, globally, overcome this political climate. As a leftist, I feel capitalism cannot be overthrown and the incredibly aggressive backlash to wait for it the idea of human rights is simply devastating. If you are a right wing I am sure something similar could be said for you how will we get rid of gays or some shit. I can see how, even with how things are going in the world, if you are a well adjusted person you might find reasons to live within your community. So now on to the personal level.1. I was never equipped with the tools to live I was never taught how to stand up for myself, how to behave in social settings, how to resolve conflicts, how to be passionate about things etc. I am uncomfortable around people and I definitely make them uncomfortable too, or hate me. So many people hate me for reasons I cannot understand and they will not tell me. All the relationships I thought may be meaningful turned out to be meaningless. Either we did not understand anything about each other or did and hated it. I never feel stably connected to anyone.2. I was never equipped with the tools to live in this world in particular I could never hold down a job.I have seriously bad memory that does not allow me to become a professional at anything. I also have adhd, making me unreliable. I do not even get hyperfixation, which many adhd people can use to their advantage. In my entire life I have never been good at anything. Even as a child I was diagnosed dumb and proved to be weak as well. I have been chasing a profession for like a decade now, and in the past couple years I started realizing that my memory issues and unreliability, compounded with my lack of social skills, will forever prevent me from succeeding in this very low paid profession as well. I do not know basic information required for this profession, and I know for a fact that at least three big name people in the industry hate me already, and I only just graduated. Probably pertinent to add that i only graduated because covid lowered the bar super low. And I was never passionate about it as other people in this field seem to be. It was just that some teacher said I should keep doing this, the first ever validation I got that pushed me toward a concrete future. What a waste. I cannot even sell my body with how shit I am at social cues. I am a pushover people pleaser who cannot actually please people, whether for work or for friendship. I have nothing to offer to the world and the world sucks anyway. Its just sad when people try to convince me to live when they briefly think they care about me. My list of reasons to die are impeccable.",Suicidal +25833,I want to consider any option that I can take. I do not have gun do not want to cut myself or hang myself either that would be a bloody mess for my landlord. Jump off a bridge would cost my family a bunch of money to find my body especially I am studying abroad now. Any other option? Easy way out,Suicidal +25834,"no one actually gives a shit about me. i just because problems. the only reason I am still here, my girlfriend, stopped talking to me over the summer, we where so close i loved her but i do not think she gives a shit about me any more, i just want her to drop me so i can cry and move on. i want it to be over. my brain will not shut the fuck up. i cannot stop hitting my self in the side of the skull just to feel the pain that is inside my head. i need to end it",Suicidal +25835,"I am incapable of feeling comfortable around people even close friends at this point and especially my family I am drowning in stress, debts, loneliness, shame, guilt and addiction.I tried to start a new job a week ago. I tried my best but my best is nowhere near anything resembling acceptable or passable. Everyone could feel there was something off about me. They could see right into my soul. Why do people laugh at those that are clearly struggling? Needless to say I had a panic attack and left within 45 minutes. I give up. I am incapable of working now. Its over. Its time to wrap it up. I have no chance. I have giving up on my passions and have no energy, strength or desire to even bother. There is no point. Some people have bad luck or get dealt a shitty hand in life. I have accepted it. I am terrified for what is to come but everyday I feel less scared. I am putting a plan together in my head to go out my way. Alone, with the drugs I value so much. I am almost 60 days clean from my drug of choice. Ill know when its the right moment and Ill pick up again and the 24/7 mind fuck and pain will cease. If I could have had one thing it would have been true unconditional love from my mother and family. I see how my friends relationships are with their families and it hurts me. I think I finally have a plan.",Suicidal +25836,I want to experience what love is. Everyone around me seems to have it but why cannot I? Its hard for me to find love as I am still in the closet (yes I know its 2021). It also does not help that I am perceived as straight and do not really fall into the gay stereotype and too shy to actually talk to boys bc of fear of being outed. Sometimes I wish I was straight just bc things would be easier in that aspect. I stay up late at night just falling deep in my thoughts that I actually cry lol. I just want to feel loved,Depression +25837,"To some, death is scary, but for me, it might be a gift. I just hope things will be over soon. Random thoughts",Suicidal +25838,"I do not know how to explain why I am like I am.Starting I was popular trough middle school but always a nice person, suddenly there is high school and in half of 10th grade I start getting bullied, than in 11th grade it become way more frequent and done almost by the whole class because of one of the person So you understand I finished 9th grade with honour and max grade in one of the exams and ended 10th grade with an average of 18/20, but during 11th and 12th grade suddenly I had no friends, I was bullied and people thought it was funny, even I tried to get help from my family but all it did was worsen it. I ended highschool with an avg just enough to join an uni that I wanted but grades way worse than I used to have. Ffw 5 years, I went to uni and made a ""lot"" of friends, have 2 close friend groups and I can speak to random people even if I used to be way more introvert. The problem is for the past 3 years I have been going down a lot mentally, I am really delayed in my uni course, keep disappointing my mother who has to support me alone because my dad never really gave a shit (they are divorced) even if she keeps saying is okay and everyone lives life at their pace and mainly because I am a loser. I feel like I do not deserve the friends I have, I do not deserve my family and I am a virgin at 23, that can make friends with girls but either they never see me romantically or I am just that annoying / ugly. I feel the worse when I am with my friends for a whole night, I feel loved and that people care and like me but suddenly the night ends, they go w their gfs and I am here alone. I do not know why I feel like this and I feel like I am both an impostor in life and in feeling bad, since I keep thinking about just finishing it but do not have the courage to do it and would not want to hurt my closest people specially my mom who has worked 2 jobs and dedicated her life for me. I tried therapy and it did not work, it only gave me more anxiety having stuff to do every new session. Oh and I am delayed in uni because I cannot seem to study properly and when I do I sometimes get panic attacks before exams, I have tried Valium and other medication but it does not work. I just do not know how long I can take it anymore but I feel like I would be a coward for doing it but the pain is just too much. I find myself more constantly having days with not wanting to get out of bed, even tho a few months ago I started going to the gym it has not helped almost anything, I feel lost and I do not know what to do My life",Suicidal +25839,"My parents have stopped caring. They see me nearly crumble to the floor in depression and anxiety and its like nothing happened. They used to be supportive..I cannot keep going. I just cannot. I have suffered anxiety and ocd for so long. And now, I am extremely extremely depressed. Moving has become somewhat difficult. My chest hurts. I am so lonely. I just hate my life. I hate everything. I want to die, I just do not know how. I am so fucking angry that my parents stopped caring. I am so fucking angry about everything. I cannot keep going but do not know how to escape this. I am sorry for all the worlds suffering. I am pretty sure I will be dying by my own hand",Suicidal +25840,"To some, death is scary, but for me, it might be a gift. I just hope things will be over soon.",Suicidal +25841,"I have been depressed for a very long time. I have known nothing but heartache, failure, rejection, misfortune... I had hoped after everything I have been through I would be happier by now. I am 29 and nothing makes me happy. I have lost interest in everything. I could write a book on all of the bad things I have been through. Awful things. But I digress... I have only ever been in one real relationship and I was a rebound the entire time. I was blind to it and I felt true love for that person. I would have done anything for him. I thought he would, too. But I realized I was sorely mistaken. Before that relationship and ever since, no one has taken me seriously. I have been sexually assaulted (that is how I lost my virginity), or I have been used. No one is genuine anymore. My degree, that I worked so hard to earn, is useless. I still live with my parents. I have no peace at home. I have no peace at either one of my two jobs. I try to do coursework to prepare for grad school, but I know I cannot afford grad school. I try to volunteer at the Red Cross, but I live 30 minutes away from the closest center and the volunteer times conflict with my work time. I thought working on myself and learning to love myself would make me much happier and more resilient to the many obstacles I constantly run into. Anything I try to do is somehow 100x more difficult than it should be.I feel like I will never be independent, have a job that pays me enough to support myself, find a significant other that understands me and does not use me, have a family of my own... I do not see anything in my future. Just scraping pennies and surviving without privacy, intimacy, nothing. I have been thinking about ending my life since my last relationship fell apart. I do not see the value of my life anymore. I am not happy. I do not know if I ever will be. And I have only come this far because I failed once, and because it would devastate my mother. I have thought very seriously about buying a gun. Driving to a remote area and just ending it there. A friend of mine did just that two years ago. No one ever saw it coming. But I have been practically screaming it for the world to see in social media posts and displaying obvious signs of suicidal ideations. No one seems to see it, or care. I think my mother is the only person who would be genuinely hurt. I cannot hurt her, but living for someone else's comfort is even more painful. I cannot do this anymore.I am probably going to wait until I see my long distance friends in October, but before my 30th birthday. Christine Chubbuck was 29. I have not wanted to live for a long time. And I think I am getting closer to ending it.",Suicidal +25842,I did not think you could hate yourself more than when you are ready to kill yourself. I was wrong. You can hate yourself even more when you fail even at killing yourself. Now I just feel like such a loser at everything. I cannot even kill myself properly. Fuck I suck. A failed attempt feels shitty.,Suicidal +25843,"I am 20 and for probably the past 2 1/2 years I have just not been myself. Lost some loved ones, friends, lovers, and in a sense I have lost myself. I have been so lonely and even my best friends I do not really open up to at all about myself. I am a closed book to my parents, siblings and closest friends. I find this girl who we click immediately as friends then something more and when we try dating and I open myself completely she loves everything about me and cares so much but has off feelings about our relationship so she ends it. The first connection I have with someone in my entire life and they toss me away. I also just think my life is pointless and I have 0 purpose in life. Everywhere I go I feel like the odd one out. I am just tired of not being enough for people and my desire to see certain people In pain for my absence is the only thing preventing me from killing myself. I am thinking about leaving my current home and just going MIA to everyone in my pointless life. Or just taking my car 60 mph into a tree I am tired of everything",Suicidal +25844,"I have been on a steady decline for a couple months now and I am thinkin I am at my stop. I tried to get better and get help, changed my meds, added meds, but I am all out of juice. I do not have much to live for. I am living alone in my apartment with no job on my 5th year if college. I am in a major I am too late to back out of and hate very much. I have isolated myself from the world and only go outside to get weed or groceries. Otherwise I am playing video games and avoiding my online class and feeling incredibly guilty for not having a job like all my peers. Its anxiety inducing to the point of breakdown to even think about doing interviews. I know, please do not judge me. 98% of my days in the past few months I have had no social interaction whatsoever besides texting my only friend who has now given up on me. She told me i need I need more help than she can give. I get it. But she is been writing off my emotions for a while now anyways so its not surprising I guess. The isolation has killed me. I have lost a lot of ability to socially interact. I know I can be stable. In I highschool I played sports and was friends with half my class. I was able to function and even hold relationships. I am diagnosed bipolar but its ramped up gears 10 fold since freshman year of college. I liked to go birdwatching. I liked to go camping. I liked being around people. I liked playing video games with my friends. Its sad I miss that the most. I still find a little joy in playing team games to get at least a little social interaction. But I have none of that left now thanks to this disease. so what is the point? I do not think there is one anymore. If I kill myself the only ones who would know are my parents who have never supported me emotionally or took mental health seriously. I do not even have anyone to say goodbye to i think I am close to the end",Suicidal +25845,"I am so tired. Today was a hard day, I am still dealing with the consequences of a mental breakdown. I went fully back to work today after having covid. Posy covid symptoms fucking suck and they are affecting me a lot, chest pain, exhaustion, I stopped eatingand therefore affecting my work performance. My job is the only thing tangible thing in my life, if that makes sense, and now it is fading away.I just feel exhausted today, useless, worthless... specially worthless. Like I do not deserve shit. I am terrified. My suicidal thoughts were strong today. I feel like this is the only place where I will not feel judge and will not bother anyone because I am a whole package. I just want to disappear",Depression +25846,How helpful have you found support groups - whether online or in-person to be? What are the pros? What are the cons? Can you find them to be draining/depressing/terrifying? Has anyone tried speaking to someone who has been through depression and is on the other side now? Was this more helpful? Just trying to navigate this space. Support Groups - Helpful or Harmful?,Depression +25847,"I had everything ready to go, and my note was already sitting on the table of the hotel room I was in. I was stuck on a vacation with my family who does not care about my well being and would care less if anything bad happened to me. I got into a huge argument with my mom at universal studios because her boyfriend kept talking about gun violence and how he would shoot me dead if he could because I am trans. She took his side over mine because it was a joke. I left the park early and she yelled at me for being a waste of time, energy, and money. Honestly I agree with her. I self harmed a little bit once I got back to release the pressure from the argument and then I prepared to take my life in the hotel. I would have done it any other day but there is something so cathartic about self harming that I had a major migraine and I was exhausted. So I took everything down and ripped up my note and took a nap. I am not sure if that is a sign but maybe when I get back home Ill do it since that is a more appropriate setting. I was too tired to kill myself today.",Suicidal +25848,"This is going to be an odd post but i want all the knowledge and expertise I can get.KindlyI know my phone is hacked and I want to prove it.The person who has hacked my phone is another tenant in the house.they are bullying me and sharing and spreading rumours about me in the city.I will provide context(Third World Country(Large House)):The other tenants(Buisness) can see everything on my phone screen before you say this a classic tech noob post.I was watching explicit content(weird stuff) and two of the other tenants came to the adjacent rooms window facing mine and said look at what this dude is watching.This is not enough proof.My phone just glitched this morning and started google chrome opened itself and searched by itself why the phone was glitching.The screenshot '2021' was saved to my device while it was glitching.(It has happened before)Back to my earlier point the reason i know they know I watch explicit content is because they have spread rumours about me being a pervert and gay.I also overheard a conversation where one of the other tenants was on the phone with what to have been a hacker.The man asked :What is that app on his phone?He said it is an app used to go to sleep.Guess which app I have?A white noise app.I know it is not enough to go on(anecdotal evidence) but I feel it in my bones and gut.I swear being in the situation would only make you see it as I do.I have really considered the mental aspect but I know the signs are too hard to ignore.Why not just buy a new phone?I want to catch the people spying on me and watching my phone.Even this post is possibly to them.Before you ridicule me,I know it sounds like paranoia,I am just one kid(18) and they are a group of people(the other tenants)who are too nosy for their own good.Is this possible or am I just paranoid? No one believes me even though I am dead sure it is true.Why cannot they just mind their own buisness?",Suicidal +25849,"Am 26, and still have not finished college. I got into the recent stock market craze and lost $100,000 in liquid assets last March (started with 14k life savings cash that I saved up in January that ballooned over a couple of months), since then I mentally spiraled downwards and my grades suffered, ended up getting academically suspended from college. It felt like I finally had a chance beyond a life of suffering, wage slaving, being stuck in a low socio economic swamp. I cannot even afford going to college anymore. Since March, got help, that is, therapy and a psychiatrist which neither I feel so far has really helped in any significant fashion. I actually have, since sessions and being prescribed medication, sunk even worse into a black pit of despair. I do not think people understand even the basic surface level of mental health solutions in modern day. Just seeing a therapist and taking meds will not fix everyone. The state of how, at least in America, mental health treatment is addressed is frankly a joke. It was easier for me to get prescribed antidepressants than ordering a pizza. I flat out told my therapist that I thought my psychiatrist is a fucking clown. 15 minute session where you briefly describe your symptoms, almost like a WebMD referral robot, but it is an actual licensed professional and they just throw pills at you at the end of the expensive session; voila, come back for an in progress consultation if you need to more dosage or to hop to a different med that probably will have another slew of side effects. Talk to anyone that is actively, or have been in therapy and ask them how many therapists they been to before they found ""the right one"". Why is there such a core difference with these professionals? Because it is honestly a goddamn circus internally, and I assume there is no standardized method of licensed schooling apparently. ""Go exercise. Take a hot shower. Have a routine."" I do all of those things, but I am just a high functioning depressed person that can clean, do chores without my living conditions being something from r/neckbeardnests. What am I doing now? Soon moving back home now to my backwards, rural country hometown, with no hope for the near or long term future - I just been trying to distract myself reading books or playing video games, listening to vinyl records .Honestly and truly, I think I am going to end it all early August. There is not a single thing, feeling, goal in this universe that I desire anymore. Last night, had a nightmare that brought up past mistakes - even in my dreams I feel guilty and suffer. When I wake up, I just feel like a walking zombie and the anhedonia saps every morsel from anything that I try to do. Resignation from Life",Suicidal +25850,I have just been having these attacks of dark images in my head that I cannot explain and I just have things telling me things and I just do not know what to do right now I cannot do anything to help myself get rid of these thoughts and things I am seeing and it sucks it really does I need somebody to help me,Depression +25851,I have a huge problem with self sabotage. I cannot enjoy life. My issues are on my mind %100 of the time. If they are not in the forefront then they are in the background. I distract myself from life using my phone and television. Every time I feel like life is going good I just get anxiety about how its all going to come crashing down and that I do not deserve happiness. I work in customer service and am really good at putting on a fake smile and playing the part of a really happy and pleasant person. But I cannot keep it up for the people in my life that I love. I feel like a huge burden to anyone I am attached to. I fuck it all up for myslef,Depression +25852,The blood from my arm means nothing tonight Tonight,Depression +25853,Every time I start enjoying life or thinks seem okay something happens and fucks everything up and leaves me back to be extremely depressed. Wtf why cannot life leave me alone and let me be happy for once is that too much to fucking ask for Let me be happy for once,Depression +25854,"So we are born into a world, and are unfortunate enough to experience hardships that are out of our control. Some people have physical or mental deficiencies. Some people are traumatizes from abuse. Some people just have an unhealthy brain. So to get any resemblance of relief we have to somehow find the energy to search our ass off to find it, and then spend our entire lives fighting it and spending our money just to stay alive? Help is not helpful",Suicidal +25855,"TLDR; bf is getting more depressed over time. I am trying so hard to get him the help he needs. I am getting pushed away and its affecting my mental health now. I feel like everything is pointing towards us breaking up.we have been dating for about 1.5 years. I have GAD and moderate/mild depression. I am currently on medications and in therapy. He has severe depression (and anxiety I suspect), and has been in therapy before. Hes going back to therapy, but there were not any availabilities until August. He has a history of getting depressed in relationships (previous two gfs and me).He and I have similar histories. Both our families had pretty nasty divorces. Both of our mothers developed cancer while we were still young teenagers. Our families are in similar geographic regions. We both had a relationship that was emotionally abusive. I guess I mention these because it was easy for us to understand each other when we first met, but also because I think these could have impacted our mental developments and relationships.Both my partner and I are in graduate school. He has a major exam coming up that determines if he will qualify for candidacy. This exam has been looming for a while and has been pushed back a couple of times because of COVID, but also because he was not prioritizing preparing for it. This stressor is contributing to his depression.The other stressor is our relationship. Its been on the rocks for a couple of months now. He left to visit family in May and he was not in the mood to have sex when he came back. I miss the sexual intimacy, but I am much prefer physical affection and emotional intimacy. Having said that, its always been hard for him to open up to me. In June, he did something that really upset me at the time, which started his spiraling. I have since forgiven him, but I do not think hes forgiven himself. He admitted hes been depressed for a while now. I did not see the signs very well and attributed it to stress from his exam (before I knew our relationship was also stressing him out). He said a lot of self-hate things and started punching himself in the face. I called his dad and told him what is going on because I felt like I could not be his only support. we have been in limbo (how he described it) since June. We did not see each other much the first couple of weeks because we both needed space. After that, I have been the one initiating contact and hanging out to get a feel for things. we have been telling we love and miss each other still. However, he told me this weekend that the physical affection is hurting him and he was not comfortable with me going to our mutual friends because he cannot be a boyfriend right now. For 4th of July, he also did not act like my boyfriend.This really hurt me but I have been trying to listen to his needs more because of his depression. Hes asked for more space to focus on school, which also hurts but I do the same when I need to get work done. I have tried to get him into our schools counseling between now and his regular therapist, but he does not want to talk to a new therapist. I have also tried to get him to couples therapy. He said he would go, but its obvious he does not want to be there, so I have not scheduled anything because I do not think it would be productive if he does not want to be there. I have asked if I can help him around his house because he is not taking care of himself. I have asked how can I support him, which was the space mentioned above.He does not know what he wants in regards to us. I do not know if its the depression talking. Hes scared if we have an on and off relationship that I will eventually leave him for good because an ex did that. Hes thinks I am disappointed in him (I have never said this, he sets these expectations for himself) because he cannot be a boyfriend right now. I feel he does love me because 1) friends and his family have told me he loves and cares about me very much, 2) he showed it through his actions before all of this, 3) he told me he loves making me happy. But, my doubts have been creeping in. He said his depression is getting worse. He does not want to see me, I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I cannot tell him how this is affecting me without him spiraling, and I just feel like I keep hurting him when I am trying my best to help him. I cannot help but think his feelings for me have changed.I love him so much for so many reasons. I loved him early on in our relationship but I wanted to be sure it was real and not infatuation, so I did not say anything until maybe 9 months in. I wish he could see what I see. But him pushing me away is hurting me and affecting my mental health now. My anxiety is through the roof and I can feel my depression starting.I am not exactly sure what I am looking for from you guys, but thanks for reading if you made it to the end. My boyfriend is pushing me away and I am at a loss",Depression +25856,"there is a Chinese saying which translates to add oil. it is used as words of encouragement, and is often a response to negative feelings. For whatever reason I always liked it--the implication that the speaker sees you struggling and fighting, and is waiting for you to win. I read through these posts and I see so many people fighting and none of you realize how fucking brave you are to still be standing. How many demons you slay each day like it was nothing. I read these posts when I am feeling down and sometimes it feels like we are all pushing against the current together. Trying to become our better selves. From one broken person to another, I see you fighting, and I want to see you win.",Depression +25857,"I have been depressed for many years. I have experienced failure, heartbreak, rejection, insecurity... I do not know how to love myself anymore. I am 29 and still live with my parents because I got my degree in psychology, which does not offer much for me right now. I work two jobs to make ends meet. I try to continue my education, when I can afford it. I volunteer with the Red Cross, when I am not smothered by work. I have lost hope in love. I have lost interest in things I used to love. Art, music, everything. I was sexually assaulted several years ago and lost my virginity as a result. I was assaulted again by a person I thought was my friend a month later because I confided in them and let my guard down. My only true relationship lasted a year and a half, and I realized only recently that I was a rebound from a bad marriage. He bought an expensive car after I lost my job and dumped me the next day. Our relationship was nothing but him gaslighting and manipulating me. Even when my grandmother was dying, he was barely supportive.Since, I have been in a terrible depression. I have worked constantly to keep myself distracted. I have pushed myself for better things. I have worked on my self esteem. I have lost the weight I gained during my relationship. I have tried getting back into the dating game. People tell me regularly how attractive I am and yet the only guys interested in me are desparate or just lonely. I am on the edge. And I do not know if I am ready or not.",Suicidal +25858,so i could kill myself and no one would really notice i wish i could erase everyone is memories of me,Depression +25859,people like me should not even be alive. My ocd is becoming too much for me to handle,Suicidal +25860,"Hey, just asking for advice, but I am in a state of depression in which I have not been taking care of myself and handling my responsibilities. I have a good job and consider myself a great asset at work and work is the time I consider myself to be a value, its just when I am home, I get lazy and isolate myself. I find it hard to find motivation to handle my responsibilities. I live alone and have been single for a few months but before then, I have been isolating myself. I consider myself to be an alcoholic but its the thing that numbs my depression. I feel at my age, I am just going to live the rest of life this way. Is there anyone with a similar experience that has gotten out of a rut like this that has lasted years long. Also I am looking to not isolate myself and have more of a social life because right now, I do not value anything social. I am a good and honest guy. Its just that I do not find myself to be similar to anyone and therefore, I do not care to have a friendship with anyone. 29/M depressed and socially isolated",Depression +25861,"I stifle the thoughts; but no use, they come back stronger than ever. They came so suddenly; just a few months ago I was fine. What happened? Every day just brings me so much closer",Suicidal +25862,"Basically, this year has been nothing but a never-ending string of disappointments. I am hoping to break the cycle with this job opportunity working at a before and after school care facility only fifteen minutes distance from where I live. When I went for an interview, I felt such positive energy from that environment flow through me. I was slated to do some unpaid work experience and needed to do fill out a criminal record check form. They sent it off...and it came back labeled ""No Sharable Clearence"". So they requested I try a different form and, as of this writing, it is been sent out while we await the results.This does not bode well. And even if this cannot help, that is it. I am killing myself. it is one thing when you are rejected but to potentially lose this opportunity because of something technical like this?""There are just some things you cannot control"". Fuck that. I bust my ass off putting myself out there. I fucking deserve at least SOMETHING to go right for once in my fucking life! If this does not, what else will? If I do not get this job, that is it. I am leaving this world for good.",Suicidal +25863,"How do you stay focused on the positives? I have a bad history of overthinking things to the point I ruin them for myself. I am starting a new relationship and I am trying to manage PTSD, depression and anxiety from other issues. But I cannot help but focus on the idea that what if this is all just some ploy to get me hooked on then dump me. Like I know its ridiculous. I can tell the girl really does like me for me despite the crap I deal with in my own head. But I cannot stay focused on that very well. I always feel like resorting to self sabotage when things go well to save myself from future heartache. I want this to work out on its own natural path without my stupid brain from interfering but I have no idea how. I could use some advice here. I am kind of lost. Trying to stay focused",Depression +25864,"hey i am 27 years old, i am a master degree student and my family support me financally , i just realised i do not know what to do i am stuck with my family here and have zero friends have never kissed a girl in my life , last time i have friends was 10 years ago and i got bullied hard so i quit people, and lived alone , no friends no girlfriend no anything just me sometime i play guitar, going to gym alot trying to tell myself when i look good i will have good social life, when i... i will date like the most beautifull girl alot of stuff like that , also i have been on heavy medication for 6 years my parents sent me to like 4 times and i gained alot of weight from being too skinny to overweight ( i am fine now and back to my normal skinny body) the last two persons give me injection without my permission and it fcked me so hard lost every interest in everything and made me feel numb and unaware for months , i do not even know what these stuff treat me for i know i never needed in the first place but i gave up nothing make me feel good about myself than losing myself with a couple of friends that i am missing this feeling for years i found myself this pathatic guy who being rude to his abusive parents cuz he cannot stand them cuz he waits for a miracle to some guy or a girl or whatever to come and save him from this situation i got this internal feeling inside my head telling me to go to therapist work with myself confidence issues but i do not know i would feel so guilty if my mum discovered i went to psychatrist without her knowledge cuz she is supposed to be psychatrist herself, ( sry for bad language or spelling i am non native and sry for long post) i am going no where with life",Depression +25865,"Every once in a while I get this wave of unbearable sadness/hopelessness outside of my baseline that generates a physical pain/burning sensation that I can literally feel radiate from my chest and sometimes my stomach, through my arms and down into my fingertips where it stings/hurts the most and then dissipates. The whole thing maybe lasts like 3 seconds and it is the same feeling every time. This has been happening for as long as I can remember. Just wondering if anyone else experiences anything similar or knows if there an actual term for this? Sorry if this is dumb, not properly written and lengthy or does not belong here or follow the rules. Somatic depressive symptom?",Depression +25866,"hiya people, I have been in a mental slump lately.nothing externally stressful happened, its just that I have been thinking about what i wanted lately for life and college..and it hits me! i do not want anything.i do not want to do anything. i do not know what i want for a career, or where ill go and what i want to do generally.to live a life without motivation full of mediocrity feels completely pointless so why should i keep going with existing?i want to stay with my girlfriend. i do not want my family and friends to mourn my death.but what about me? i do not feel like ill get anything meaningful continuing on in this state. either i change something about myself or i cut it short.but I have already tried to change. I am trying to change. I am trying to reduce my unhealthy habits and take on newer, healthier ones but i do not have the motivation to even commit to them.i know ill figure it out, or at least i tell myself that so i do not feel worse.but will i really figure it out? will i really change for the better and know all the answers to my own questions?please, future me. please tell me it will be okay. confuzzled.",Suicidal +25867,Please help me I am always sad and tired and I cannot stand people anymore and I have lost faith In everything I just want to die but I love my dog and my mom so how do I get better. Please help me,Suicidal +25868,"I just want to take pills and end this nightmare, I am the problem, this is all my fault, I am broke because I am too fucking lazy to get a job, I lied to my family and now they do not care if I live or die, and the one person that actually cared about me, I pushed away because I am mentally fucked.I am so done. I am the problem",Suicidal +25869,"I have no friends, no hobbies, family does not talk to me, some of my coworkers do not like me because I am quiet and that is off putting to them. I just cannot shake the feeling that no one likes me. It just seems like I cannot make true friends and connect with everyone like other people do. I thought life would get better and I would find friends but apparently not. My self esteem is so low and I want it to change so how can I? Life really sucks",Depression +25870,"I think I am better off dead because I am diabetic, have hypothyroidism, and autistic. There is no place for me to be accepted in society, especially in the employment world, because I have nothing marketable to offer, and my limitations far exceed my talents, which I doubt I have. I am sick of not being acknowledged, recognized, or heard for my good qualities. The sad reality is that society will never automatically see what is good about me. People are far too judgmental, and I cannot take rejection much longer. No place for me",Suicidal +25871,"Warning: this is going to be long asf idek It seems like I am always getting left behind. I am going into senior year and I am thinking of doing Computer science for uni but there are two problems. 1. My admission grade is off by 2% from the required grade. 2. Idek if that is what I want to do. School for me has just been a game, collect as many good grades as you can, and for a while I was rlly good at it, pretending to be passionate about science since that is said to make me more money than something like art. Since this pandemic happened my grades slipped a little. do not get me wrong, they are still good, going from 90s to 80s but not good enough apparently to get into university. I just do not like how the competition has increased. I mean, back in the day you did not need much to get in. I am stuck at a place where I cannot imagine myself doing the career ideas I have for 50 years. I know I am not the smartest, and I accept that. But its one thing to be ugly and have no close friends and its another thing to not even get into the university program you want. All my classmates seem to have it together. Its not like they are perfect either but they are over here getting jobs and learning how to drive and I lack the motivation to do anything. Rn I am doing online summer school and I am still managing to fuck that up. I did terrible on my unit exam. I know all of you all are just going to tell me to get up and work hard but honestly, I am tired of being an overachiever and not getting my results. Idek why I am posting this. Idk if I am overthinking but I just feel worthless rn. Idk even know how I feel",Depression +25872,"ill keep it a stack, I am a manipulative person. but i do not think I am a bad type of manipulate person. my ex complained about how manipulative i was and called me a lot of shitty things even though i was only manipulating her because she needed it. she had a terrible home life and all sorts of hell have fallen on her recently so i would come up with ways to cheer her up, most of the time i would have to fabricate a lie that i knew would make her want to wake up the next day whereas if i had not she would not want to, all i wanted to do was give her some light in a dark situation and i know it was wrong of me but at the same time i feel like if i had not something terrible would have happened. ie, talking about moving in together sooner than i knew was possible because it would give her something to hold on to and to look forward to, a second opinion would be appreciated. manipulation",Depression +25873,"So for about the past month I just have lost feeling for everything I just feel bland, I go to work come back and just sit I do not eat prob once a day I ignore my phone much as possible I do not know what is wrong with me i just do not know what to do I just wanted to write this just due to hoping to write and put it out there I get burden off my chest and maybe it will help just I feel lost rn like middle of a desert not going anywhere Just need to rant",Depression +25874,When to stop crying? I do not think I care anymore. I feel nauseous and headache and a little twinge of chest pain. Is that a grief problem? I just do not want to get sick. I know people going to treat me differently. I cannot stop crying. I sorry I do not mean to spam. I just cannot stop thinking about my dad. I do not know what to do we cannot afford to burry him. I put up a fundraiser without talking to my sister and other family because I do not want him to be cremated. I am a little panicking right now because I do not know if everyone know he gone or not and that is a horrible way to find put a love has pass on. I am not really thinking right now. My head hurts. I am not as well spoke and smart like the others I just want to help. When it happens to you,Depression +25875,"I do not have to pay for college, great right?Believe me, I recognize how rare that is and how fortunate I am for having that. Well I am also dealing with (a traumatic event that I will not mention in case of making someone feel uncomfortable) and a terrible family relationship. Like we fight all the fucking time parents and I) and my parents are such a fuckin mess at times you see the type of shit you see in Hollywood movies.Opening up to people in the slightest terrifies me. Actual FEAR now. As you can tell I am not exactly well adjusted. I have some interest in maybe, three things tops. Of the three, all of them require a lot of learning to be able to even begin. Problem being I shut down in the face of trouble from past experiences of elitist assholes wanting to feel superior to others. Despite having a significantly better life than most (in some ways) I do not remember the last time I was actually happy. (Vent post?)",Depression +25876,"Dunno why I survived. Some days I am glad I did, most days I wish I did not. do not want to get into details but I should not have survived the second attempt. I have never been able to get wanting to be gone out of my head. I guess my question is how do survivors handle it.. it is been so long but I struggle to appreciate I am still here. Maybe I should be grateful but I just do not feel it. What can I do? Thanks for reading this far, and sorry to be a bother 2 attempts, I am still here.",Suicidal +25877,"Literally made Reddit just for this.Currently, I am 17(M) going through a breakup with my 2 month old girlfriend. First off, I really just want to say that I hate myself for making her feel bad. Everytime I wanted to become better during those 9 months of getting to know her, I always fail to do so and it hurts my partner emotionally. I am a very bad person, I despise myself. Even though I want to change so badly, so so badly, i just could not and it hurts me a lot. It affects my work, my school, and my hobbies I cannot even do. I feel like there is no hope for me. I feel nothing but pain and sorrow that I am scared that it may affect my parents. I am in so much pain rn and probably forever. I cannot live like this and i know that i needed help but idk. I hate myself and it affects the people that I care about the most.",Depression +25878,"I am going to end up in hell anyway. And those bully would probably going to find new victim after I die, and make their life miserable as mine. If I am going to kms I should just bring them together with me in hell. At least no one should suffer like me If I am going to kms, I should just take them away with me right?",Suicidal +25879,"I have been in down for a few weeks now, its less intense after the third week, kind of like I am in a light fog so I am guessing my depression is easing off a little until next time comes around again.Well, today I was staring at my ceiling just existing when my dog suddenly jumped up my bed. I looked down and she positioned herself at my side, then she leaned her head against the side of my chest and just squinted her little eyes at me. Something burst and I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions, I was crying before I knew it and I just petted her and softly told her how much I loved her.The first few weeks of my depression resurgence was full of me planning my own suicide because I could not take the feeling and knowing it will just repeat again, but my little dog, seeing her lean her head and just look at me without expecting anything, trusting Ill still be around to care for her, it just snapped for me who Id be leaving behind. I love her too much, she is seen the worst of my episodes but she still leans her little head against me and looks at me like I mean something. At the very least, I have her, and Ill be around for her until she goes. My dog made me cry today",Depression +25880,"Osteoarthritis and I am only 18. I stood around 30 minutes straight cooking dinner and I could not even walk afterwords it hurt so much. I definitely will not be able to have my dream career, have kids, etc. I will probably be dead by the time I am supposed to get a bachelor's degree. I guess that is fine with me. I do not see a point in living on in pain with all my physical disabilities",Suicidal +25881,"She actually told me to ""get over it and grow up"". Usually we are fine. But she always pushes me too much and I still keep shut. She keeps demanding to know why I am ""useless"". So today I told her. Growing up (13-22) while trying to stop her from killing herself over and over again, mentally fucked me up. Being physically abused when she was lost due to alcohol and pain killer abuse, made me lose hope.Then having her have good phases where everything was good.. confused me.I am traumatized. Therapy helped up to a point. She finally got help and now does not remember what she put me through. I never put anything on her cuz I was just happy she got better.But now she blames me for everything. Goes on and on about how she sacrificed so much for me and how I should feel guilty for not working. And I tried. I tried SO FUCKING HARD to get a job. My anxiety is through the roof. I do not even want to live. I do not even live with them anymore. And yet she pushes. Because I am not as ""good"" as our relatives kids. I am useless.Now I feel scared and guilty cuz I might have triggered her. I am anticipating my dad's call and he will just reiterate how horrible I am. I have heard it so much in the past. Yes they have helped me a lot financially but mentally they broke me. I AM trying to repay them. I really am. Every call with them is pushing me to towards the edge. Every call makes me hurt myself (I have been SH-ing since I was 13). I cannot cut them out of my life. it is too hard to explain.I cannot stop feeling guilty.. I know I hurt her a lot today by being honest.. but in a way I also feel better cuz I was holding this in for over a decade and a half. My dad is her enabler. And I have no one. I do not know what to do. The anxiety of them calling me again or me talking to them next time is freaking me out.How do I deal with this? She says she has a lifetime of trauma which is worse than mine and she got over it so I should too. I do not know how to respond to that when she is the source of my trauma. She refused to accept professional help when I was a kid and if she did I might not have gone through what I did. Is it fair for her to say that to me?? I know I am being immature or whatever.. but I do not know how to let go of this when this is all I have known and all my efforts to make my life better keep failing. Finally broke and told my mum she is the reason I am the way I am... She blamed everything on me",Depression +25882,"Just got hired as a dishwasher but I know it will not last(I will probably be fired in under a week), I am lazy, slow, I cannot handle the heat and I am too weak to take out the trash. I do not want this job but nobody else would hire me, I have gaps on my resume but that is not why they will not hire my, I did not realize how easy I had it in my previous job. I am 23 and wasted 5 years of my life, no money to go back to college(I am not sure I would do well even if I studied 8 hours a day though I never tried so who knows..), too dumb to think through my situation, I am currently under the care of a mental health team though they are wrong I am not the mentally I will they think I am, I am just straight up dumb. I have not worked in 1.5 years and am supported by my mother who is a hard worker even though she has rheumatoid arthritis. I want to be able to support myself but I cannot do any type of job even entry leveled ones, too slow mentally even more so when I am around people, too weak physically. The reason I am under the care of a mental health team is because I was suicidal a few months ago which caused me to visit the ER room, which then put me in the care of a mental health team upon my discharge. It feels like I inherited all the bad genes from my parents, the laziness of my father and emotional weakness of my mother. Have no friends either. I wish I had never been born, my mother deserves better, my mother might quite possibly be the only person that cares for me and I do not want to disappoint her but I really cannot do anything. I am just a burden to her but not once has she told me to leave. I have been struggling with depression my entire life, I like to think it is because of my brother but I am an adult now, I cannot just blame everything on someone else. I am trash and I deserve to die",Suicidal +25883,"yesterday super late at night my crush said she was going to try killing herself, i had the panic attack of the century and started crying but i was able to stall her for long enough that she ran out of time to do it. but i do not know what to do about it now, I am just as suicidal as she is and i was even planning on killing myself today for the past few weeks but now I am not sure i want to do it anymore. she is the main reason and onr of the only reasons i have left to stay alive for, but i also always feel like she hates me and would not care if i were gone. i feel bad for trying to keep her alive when chances are we are just both going to keep suffering together. I am starting to think that maybe if i had let her die i would have the motivation to finally kill myself too, instead of staying here desperately trying to get her to love me like some obsessive 4th grader. at least wed be dead together, but i also might never see her again if we are both dead forever. there is so much uncertainty in everything its too much for me to handle I am just waiting for the moment i finally snap uncertainty",Suicidal +25884,"I have been feeling lazy as hell. I work from home and I have been addicted to youtube videos. I do not even enjoy these videos. I just watch them while working but I can barely focus. Maybe I will get fired soon. I also stopped working out even though my garage gym is seconds away from my home office. I started getting fat. I have also been spending over $2k on escorts this year. I have just feel like shit. I even drove to the grocery store one night just to buy 3 family sized bags of potato chips. As soon as I got home, I feel massive regret. What the hell is wrong with me? Everything I do seem out of character than who I was a year ago... Am i depressed? What is wrong with me?",Depression +25885,"Feels like I am always walking against a strong wind. Always weight pushing down on me. The physical symptoms are depression are real, it is not always just feelings if sadness. It feels like there is a 50 lb weighted blanket around me at all times",Depression +25886,"So depressed and negative that I literally cannot be around people. It gets worse everyday. My brain and body feel numb and shutdown. I lay in bed all day and become really antisocial. Super bitter and overwhelmed with feelings about the past. Always trying to calculate my way out of this but cannot. I do not have passion for life, I feel like its already over and I am 27. Finding no meaning or purpose in the way that I am suffering, it feels like its a choice, but I cannot change my mind. Just wanted to vent a little, thanks. Despair",Depression +25887,"I have been moderate-severely depressed on and off (off meaning moderate) for 8 years and I need someone to tell me if you can actually feel happy again. Like at what point did my brain not care about my external issues and was happy no matter the situation and all of a sudden I cannot be happy even if everything around me is fine. Even if I think a certain situation is the because of my depression, I still feel the exact same way if I remove myself from the situation. For example: I went on vacation for a good 2 months and was depressed the entire time. Nothing I do makes me happy. I am in the moment but in the back of my mind I always feel fucking sad. When does it end",Depression +25888,"My mom wants to go to China and start a business but will not go because she believes it could ruin my education (the Canadian education system is different) I just feel like such a burden to her. Life feels so pointless, I do not even fucking know why I get up in the morning. I feel like a burden.",Depression +25889,"I do not even know how to explain. I have a loving girlfriend, we have a house together, I have my parents around who still love me and help me if ever I need it. But I just feel like I am a worthless POS with no future. I feel like I am always letting everyone down. I see my friends doing things and going places around me but I feel like I am getting no where in life. Wtf is wrong? An absolute tsunami of depression just hit me",Depression +25890,I am in the end of my 20s and definitely feel like I should be far more advanced in my Life. I see people online and in real life already reaching their career goals and I barely started working on my creative endeavors. I feel like my life is slowly ending. M/28 I should be far more ahead in life,Depression +25891,"There are moments where I do not even want to better myself. Like how some people say, ""oh go to the gym"" or ""go see a therapist"". But I do not want to, I just prefer to stay alone and miserable. it is bizarre to say the least, why would someone want to be miserable? There are also moments where I just wish someone was there to hug me or comfort me, but then those thoughts quickly change to me wishing for that person to spit on me, or beat me to a pulp. After all of these thoughts subside, all that remains is me wishing to be alone for ever. With my music for me to daydream while listening to as I perish all by myself. Everything is bizarre with my mind.",Suicidal +25892,I cannot do this anymore. I can escape him. He smash my head and I think there is a crack in my skull. I am in so much pain I cannot get away from him. I know you will not understand but its virtually impossible to get away from him. He held a pillow to my face and already tried to kill me. I do not want to be alive anymore. I want to end it he keeps hurting me,Suicidal +25893,"I have always had depression, but over the last few years, I have worked really hard to deal with it. I quit drinking, moved to a new city, made a ton of great new friends, and worked a bunch of part-time jobs that I really loved while pursuing full-time work in my industry. I was always going to concerts, plays, and other fun events. While there were always things that could be better, I kept as busy as I could so that I would not dwell on the negative aspects of life.Then COVID happened and the world shut down. I stopped getting work at most of my jobs, while other jobs went online-only (which I hate). I could barely see my friends for a year and a half. I have not seen my family since December 2019 because they live in another province and travel is restricted.All I have had is alone time. And boy, is it lonely. I have never felt more single in my life. When you strip life down to the bare essentials, you realize how alone you really are. it is not to say I do not have friends or people who care for me, but it is just not the same as having a partner to support you. The idea that these lockdowns and restrictions could go on forever in some capacities is so fucking depressing. I will be alone forever. The pandemic stole my life from me.",Depression +25894,"To at least alleviate some of the depressive thoughts. I mean its not the best of options, but at least it numbs the thought process down. It might not solve all your problems but it brings everything into a clear light. I feel so much for the people on here nobody should be feeling so much pain. I am going through it to, but I know there is solutions to this. Anybody out there struggling you got this, keep pushing. Has anyone on here tried smoking weed?",Suicidal +25895,"it is so hard to explain what brain fog from depression truly feels like. Something in me says to knock my shit off and work harder to be happy; work harder to smile; work harder to socialize. But I do not know why I cannot. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my home and my job. I love my annoying two dogs and my amazing family. All the love in the world does not seem to clear the brain fog; the icky, heavy, painful feeling of this brain fog. I feel so incredibly selfish for feeling this wa Brain Fog",Depression +25896,"Everytime I try to improve my situation, somehow I end up worse. Sometimes it is because of my self sabotage and sometimes because of outside circumstances. I think it is time to go I feel like nothing is going to get better",Suicidal +25897,I do not even want to go home anymore nothing is going to help me. I have no one anymore. Opening up was a big mistake. It has not helped me one bit. I try everything to get help and nothing changes. Starting to believe I am the problem. Sitting in a parking lot I should just do it now,Suicidal +25898,"I decided to come back and tell my mom everything that happened. I feel safe again. I hope one day things truly improve... all I know is that I have made it through tonight, something I thought Id never do... I was planning to jump off of the verrazzano bridge today and end my life, I turned around and came back, I am not finished on this Earth yet. Take that depression and Body Dysmorphic",Suicidal +25899,"I know nobody's really going to see this let alone respond to it. But, I have not been feeling myself since February. Before that I was happy... At least, more than I am now and I kept hoping that I would get better. I kind of knew though that I could never go back to how I used to be since this all started. Today has been a reminder of that. I was physically okay. I am adequately functioning and taking care of myself, but I just feel so tired. This entire week I have been feeling nothing but fatigue and today it was just so much harder to power through. I am frustrated. I am angry. At everyone even though I know it is not their fault at all. Not necessarily. As I said before, I blocked my friends on social media and, to say the least, I did not miss them at all. I had to almost force myself to at least give them an explanation. I am tired of my family...my mother keeps commenting on how skinny I look, she forces me to eat when I eat anyways. I always eat I just choose to eat healthily. I make sure I get the right amount of nutrients/fibers/vitamins from the food I am eating. I know how to manage myself. I do not need to be babysat like a two-year-old. I am sick of trying not to be disrespectful or rude to avoid conflict. I am sick of taking criticism from other people. I am also very sick of lying to people to keep the peace. I just want to be left alone. it is better for me to be alone, if not, I can end up destroying a lot of other people because I am irritable, sad, and angry all at the same time all the time. Sometimes I think this is sort of a domino effect thing caused by my father's death or it is my period. But either way, this feels very real and I just want to be left alone...I was thinking last night that maybe my fate is not to become this great doctor, or successful child that goes to college and does all this grown up stuff...maybe I am just supposed to be in a mental facility for the rest of my life. &#x200B;If you are curious here is a diary entry I wrote in Feburary:Dear moon, I cry to you hoping that you will hear meOr at least listenIt may not matter to me much anywayBut I am becoming deeply and utterly sadMore often during the night I refuse to call myself depressed because that would be quite an inaccuracy but at the same time, I cannot think of a time that I was truly happy. My smile has become a stranger to this new meThis new me is dismal and aloofSongs that used to make me want to dance now make me want to cryVideos that are meant to be happy are interpreted to such a sadness one could not fathom to obtain To contain this state is to climb a mountain in a snowstorm Playing pretend has shifted from a childhood game to a chilling reality.All while I am confused about whether or not this will last I still know one thing for sure.That I will talk to the moon tomorrow and try again.Anyways I have to eat some nasty ass tacos bye. Nobody Responds to Things Like These",Depression +25900,"He cries every day. The first thing he always talks about when he wakes up is how much he wants to die and wishes he did not wake up, everyday without fail. For months he is said everyday has made him want to die more than the last. Hes begged me to kill him, so hand him poinson while bawling so hard on the floor he cannot get up to get it himself. He said ""you would be mercy killing me"". He cannot go to a mental hospital for various reasons, we are both minors (I am emancipated hes not) living alone together, and he has quite a long time before he becomes an adult with controlling over his own life. His mom neglects him and refuses to give him the medical help he needs despite his therapist telling her how at risk he is for suicide, she will not allow him to transition (we are both transgender) and he feels like nothing could ever make him see the light through the dark. Not even me. Not even smoking weed helps him anymore because he does not even get stoned anymore and that is the only thing that slows his thoughts and eases his ptsd. On top of that were financially struggling and we cannot afford to keep buying weed but if I do not keep buying I risk coming home to find my boyfriend dead. I would reach out to authorities and ask him to be helped but we live in a rural bible belt community that would surely make things worse rather than better for him. He recently told me ""next time you go back to work, I am going to do it. I can give anymore. Its too painful. All of our friend manipulate us and we cannot trust them."" It took me days of spending every second bwside him to assure him I would not be ask okay as he thinks I would be if he was not here. He told me ""its going to be okay when I am gone. do not be sad, please move on and be happy."" He feels so alone like he only has me. And it took the risk of getting fired and losing the house to make him promise me I would not come home to a corpse. I told him I could not go back to work until I knew. I know he still wants to die more and more every day, and he cries more and more every day about the pain of being alive and reliving his trauma and worrying about everything and feeling so out of place and uncomfortable amd burdening in any situation hes placed in. I do not care how worn out and exaughsted I am only sleeping one hour a night making sure he does not kill himself, I love him and I need him. But I know its selfish to keep him here under so much suffering. I feel its comparable to watching somome go through chemo without hope of even going into remission, knowing they are going to die in pain and just wanting for that day to come. ""But I need you in my life"". ""But I need my life to be over to feel any sense of peace."" He tells me it follows him into his sleep. He cannot escape the PTSD and the trauma and the thoughts and his therapist treats him like a kid so they do not do sessions anymore because all she talks about is school, which is another reason he wants to die. He does not see any positives to living and it is rare for me to come up with ideas that actually make him feel better. He never feels better for more than a few minutes at a time. Hes been through depressive episodes before but none that have been this harsh and long, ever. I have never seen or heard of anyone who seems to be living in such a constant state of agony. He craves the pain of death because to him it is an answer to his prayers of escape. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like it is only a matter of time before I loose him and he keeps telling me that too. there is no adults who can help him now, atleast not in the situation hes in. I just need to know what to say or do. I need to know that I am doing the right thing by keeping him alive, even though I can tell it tourchers him to be conflicted about hurting me and hurting more each day. Am I doing the wrong thing? Sometimes it feels like I am. Please help. I do not know how to help my boyfriend. What should I do?",Suicidal +25901,"My worst fear is failing an attempt and being forced to explain why I wanted to do it. I do not HAVE AN ANSWER. NO ONE IS ABLE TO HELP ME, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE PLEASE i want to fucking cry. I NEED TO DIE Bjzjs",Suicidal +25902,"I made this throw away account for mainly for this post so there is no easy trace back to who I am. I have what I believe to be enough pills to take my life and I so desperately want to do this. I have lost interest in my hobbies, I have stopped caring about my health,and I have pretty much stopped talking to people I care about. I want to take those pills, go to bed, and wake up in whatever place there may or may not be after we die in this plane of existence. I have everything ready...",Suicidal +25903,So I am 17 I am from the USA currently I am struggling with trying to quit alchohol. I am also schizoaffective and on a bunch of antidepressants antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. My parents have never once in my whole life ever told me they loved me hugged me anything like that. And i have been manipulated so many times by people because i am desperate to be loved by someone. I just want to be told i matter i feel like even if i quit alchohol il just die in my 20s. My face is super red from alchohol and i honest to god feel terrible. I just feel desperate at this point i cannot even love myself because i have been manipulated so many time's. I feel like if i continue this world will just have nothing but more trauma for me. I am 17 a severe alcoholic and i have never been told i love you.,Suicidal +25904,"my parents are not going to be home for a couple of days, so i think I am going to hang myself. i cannot stop staring at the ceiling fan. thanks to this community for helping me. i think I am going to do it tomorrow.",Suicidal +25905,"To be honest, I have felt like that for years, but the only thing keeping me here is the fear of the nothingness that comes after you die. I am 21F and I have been depressed since I was 12 (I think, my memory is not that good) and each day I feel like my mental health deteriorates more and more. Yes, I have been able to hold down a job, and I do attend to my college classes, but I feel completly empty, there is not a single spark of joy inside of me.Covid worsened my life by x100, and my country's (Brazil) current situation has been so triggering lately that I have not really been able to watch or hear the news. I miss my friends, I miss taking the bus and petting the stray cats that live on the streets, I miss actually living my life instead of being inside 24/7. I am so tired of how things are, and it feels like nothing ever improves. I want to leave, to give up and die. Too bad I am too scared of what comes after death. I was raised catholic, but I am no longer a believer. I feel like god is punishing us for all the sins the human race has commited. Oftentimes I want to scream and scratch myself, pull my hair and release all that anger and sadness that is been building up inside me for the past year and a half, but I cannot.I am so tired of the pain I have been enduring for nearly a decade, and I am so tired of the recent events that have made this pain increase so much that it hurts to do the simplest of tasks, such as showering. I want it to stop, it hurts so goddamn much to be alive. I do not feel like life is worth it anymore",Suicidal +25906,"Can someone please help with the most efficient and painless way to end my life? I am one of those people just not meant to live a normal happy life, or to bring any joy to other people's lives. I am simply a waste of resources and space, id be doing my family a favor. Any advice would be appreciated. Help with leaving",Suicidal +25907,"i feel like most people are depressed for a few defined reasons, and there is 100% something here on earth that will make them stay. i can see the hope that they cannot see for them (idk how to describe). there is absolutely nothing that could happen that will make me want to stay. i hear people my age talking about having kids and stuff when they are older and i just laugh to myself knowing that I am going to be long dead.there is nothing i fucking want from this shitty world. not love not money not anything. i think i was not meant to be born as it seems everyone else wants to be aliveI FUCKING HATE MY LIFE, WHEN AM I EVENTUALLY GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH IT. I NEED TO DIE hHhshsnsn'&3&38:'xnxn",Suicidal +25908,"After taking antidepressant, I had a change in my mood. Before I used to ruminate on old memories of abuse. I am exercising and got myself away from all the toxic people that were draining me I am getting better",Depression +25909,"i feel like most people are depressed for a few defined reasons, and there is 100% something here on earth that will make them stay. i can see the hope that they cannot see for them (idk how to describe). there is absolutely nothing that could happen that will make me want to stay. i hear people my age talking about having kids and stuff when they are older and i just laugh to myself knowing that I am going to be long dead.there is nothing i fucking want from this shitty world. not love not money not anything. i think i was not meant to be born as it seems everyone else wants to be aliveI FUCKING HATE MY LIFE, WHEN AM I EVENTUALLY GOING TO GO AHEAD WITH IT. I NEED TO DIE !.!:.'sjejznnw",Depression +25910,Why did I have to be born into an abusive household. I am done pretending I have had a great childhood my father was a prick shit fuck and left me with issues that caused me to never have friends and he gets away with it. He left the fucking country so he does not need to pay child support so we everyday struggle for money. And when i feel like everything is going well i get reminded that we had touched me a little boy whenever my mum was out and my sister never helped. What the fuck did i do wrong? I try being there for others but because of how I behaved in school people hated me. I just wanted to be noticed or to have some little power in my life for once. I ended up leaving school too early and was dumped by the education system as they did not want to help.Not that anything matters now i just need to vent typing this out helps in a bizarre unusual way. I am too worried to go to therapy. I was under cahms when i was younger and all they did was worsened things and betrayed me so therapy is possibly worse. I do not want to be diagnosed with anything i just want to believe I am normal?. I had a girlfriend for a year believe it or not i still wonder how. does not matter she used me and cheated on me because again i must deserve this for no particular reason. I am done venting now sorry for that. Why me?,Depression +25911,"life just feels so - i do not know - exhausting. like my mind's constantly running and I am always so restless and on the edge and sad and the thing is I am so fricking privileged. I am so privileged and i wish someone could trade places with me and use my life to their advantage because they would have used it up well. one of those 9-10% of the world population in extreme poverty could have been me, and they would have been so happy and grateful and deserving of this. i just hate trying to be perfect all the time, because each time something little is not perfect, i freeze. when i know I am going to get a B, i feel like kms. i also have no friends and no social life, and I have never connected with anyone on a deep level and no one likes me. everyday I am just so sad and down and i feel like life has no purpose. all those liars saying that everything happens for a reason, it really does not, only those successful people say that because they were in a situation where life did go well in their direction. life is a fricking random thing and i do not know why consciousnesses had to be a thing. i honestly just do not know",Depression +25912,Everytime i miss out on something i just crumble and breakdown really badly. Am i a loser for being this sad over not being invited? Why does loneliness hit me so hard,Suicidal +25913,I just want to weigh some options and I do not have any money so I am running out of things to choose from. Does insurance cover involuntary holds?,Suicidal +25914,"**trigger warning**I sought treatment for my depression and anxiety a year and a half ago. Ever since I have not needed medication as even though I had depressing thoughts, I could handle them better. Id still and still do have suicidal thoughts of an accident occurring and me no longer being on this earth. It would make life better for everyone including myself. I want to see my nephews grow up and my first nephews ultrasound is the one who kept me from going through with almost 3 years ago. I wanted to be there for him and have his aunt around. Now that hes never seeming to want me around anymore after a year of living with and babysitting him (moved out 2 months ago), I have been really wondering how much better off he would be had I followed though with my plans back then.I do my normal drive and think how easy it would be to swerve my car as if I was dodging a deer and try to end my life on accident. How on rainy days I can speed and because my car to hydroplane off a road into a ditch.I hate having less control of these thoughts and I do not want to bother my family because they do not understand and my friends have so much on their own plates I do not want to add on. I am hoping that maybe writing here will help. I am sure if I saw a therapist it would help me but have not looked for one since before covid.Sorry for the rant but I just do not know what else to do since its been so long since wanted to act on these thoughts. Thanks for reading I still have those thoughts",Depression +25915,do not have any money for anything. I can barely afford school supplies. This is horrible. Lost someone that I feel looks like me. I do not know how to feel. My sister says we should just have him cremated but I just want to have a chance to say goodbye. Dad pass away,Depression +25916,"[16F] Why do I have to be so young and suffer with depression and anxiety? I have been to counseling when I was 14 and that never helped and now I am diagnosed with bipolar which I feel like I am really not. I am on this stupid medication that makes me feel numb. I try to talk to my mom or my therapist and they tell me to stay on the meds because they are helping, but I feel like they are making me feel worse. I honestly feel like no one understands me. I feel like I cannot express how I truly feel because I fear being diagnosed with some even more serious mental illness. Its so depressing to know I have to deal with a mental illness for the rest of my life at such a young age. I feel so stuck. I do not have that much of a social life and I feel unmotivated to try to. I do not even have a bad home life yet I feel so alone. I do not look forward to my future at all and do not even know what I want to do with my life. I hate expectations that society puts on people my age. I have all As grades for this school year because I do want to graduate and maybe go to college, but I do not know what I want out of life. I honestly hate school even though I succeed. I am feel more happy with things that do not require a lot of school, but I know that they will never be long term success and Ill never be successful in life without a degree in something that I hate. Sorry this was all over the place but I just need somewhere to vent. I feel like I am lost",Depression +25917,"Every time I think about killing myself, or imagining a world where I kill myself, I am genuinely happyI really do not want to be like that, but I do not want to and I will not do anything to improve it, because that is the way I amI've never had complex problems in my life, she is even good, so why am I like that? isolated, suicidal, I cannot carry on a conversation and I am still happy with that kind of thinkingMaybe I do not want to kill myself, but rather sleep forever and stay in this world invented by me and my paranoiaAnd something I wanted to hate but really cannot: the thought of killing myself the night before my birthday. I wanted to see how it would really feel if I died, maybe it is because I do not see so much value in my life, so I wanted someone to give itI honestly do not even know why I am writing this, I am pretty skeptical and I know it will not change or help anything, I kind of just want to go screaming that I am a bastard who wastes a good life like that Why am i genuinely happy when i think/plan to kill myself? even never tried",Depression +25918,I am just really living off myself by now because I have one friend who has a girlfriend that he chooses over me. I have never had a girlfriend and I am ignored if I even try to talk to them. I have tried to make new friends but I guess there is something wrong with me because they will just be nice and talk to me and then never want to hang out when I ask. what is the point anymore living life if I am alone while I do it. I am so alone,Depression +25919,"Hi (24F) here, I am not sure how to explain it but does anyone else get Anxious and then depressed when spending time with people? Example: my husband talked me into going out to dinner with his colleague and her husband, they were delightful and I was having a pretty good time until I started feely anxious, I could literally feel the knot in my stomach and it went on for a good 30 min and then I became depressed, I wanted to crawl into a hole and just die, I kept acting like everything was normal, I was not having any negative thoughts at the time either, now that I am home the feeling will not go away but I know it will be gone by tomorrow, I have done this ever since I was little (6), my mother had to pick me up multiple times from sleepovers because of how bad it was, also if we went on vacation I would also become anxious and depressed from time to time, and I have never been diagnosed with depression or have had it, it is just when I am social or traveling, I am not sure how to explain it to my husband because he gets frustrated I am not as social as he is, I feel like I am crazy does anyone else experience anything like this?? Social anxiety/depression?",Depression +25920,"i see all these people going about their days; laughing, smiling, enjoying the things they do with the people they love and i just do not get it anymore. i do not comprehend any of that anymore. i am just so tired of being this empty she will of a person, with pieces of myself scattered across the cracks of my past and their ghosts haunting me at every street, every corner, wherever i go. there is no escape. i do not belong here",Depression +25921,"Using a throwaway for this one. Fairly rough upbringing with an alchoholic dad and a disfunctional family. My first ""attempt"" was at about 7 when i tied a rope around my neck, tied the other end to my bed, and pulled as hard as i could since i did not know anything about nooses and hanging. did not have any results apart from some light choking effect so i cried myself to sleep that day. Every time i had a mental breakdown i contemplated suicide though most days were pretty chill. The next ""attempt"" was at 13, i had my noose and chair all set up and i did not do it. I have considered myself cured of depression since then, i got a girlfriend, my dad did not drink anymore, and all was going well. I did have some very bad days but i ignored them and used the classic ""it is going to be better"" thing. Recently i broke up with her and only now do i realise that i was not happy and i was not cured of depression. I only ignored it and constantly looked for ways to push it away sort of speak. Only now do i realise how lonely i am, how nothing interesting ever happens to me, how each and every day is the same, how i have no friends, how i have no one to talk to, how i have to reason to live. I feel empty in every way possible. I started thinking about suicide again and i regret that i did not do it when i was 13. I have no plans to do it as of right now but one day I am going to fucking do it. I am sure of this and nothing will ever change it. I only posted this here because i want somebody else to know it too. I do not expect anything from anyone, i never did, and i never will. One day I am going to do it",Suicidal +25922,"i just have a feeling that I am done with life i cannot get to the goals i want and after my mother passed i feel numb and emotionless and i hate being around other people i feel like there judging me lol for some reason but my brain needs a reset and i do not know how if anyone got anytips to refresh the mine send tem my way thanks for listeing to this vent sorry for everyone feeling like this"""" I cannot do this anymore ffs",Depression +25923,"I have had this feeling for a while now just empty. I have not felt love in a while. Even with my ex I felt alone and empty nothing brings me joy because of how lonely I am i just have these thoughts of just ending it all and not feeling soo alone and empty. The worst part is that I am one of the ""popular"" kids at school as if being ""popular"" helps with the loneliness I just hope that I find someone who understands me and can fill that void that I feel,with love. I feel alone",Suicidal +25924,I bite myself. it is raw. it is sore. Get a canker sore. cannot eat. cannot drink. Get sick. Finally have the energy to eat. Go too fast. Bite myself.And here we go again. Over and over and over. My whole life could be summed up by canker sores...,Depression +25925,"there is been plenty of times where I have been at work, in a supply closet, thinking, all I got to do is take a few swigs of that bleach, and all my issues become no more.But is something like bleach even *convenient* for a suicide, or would it because more trauma/pain for an individual.And if there was/*is* a special Suicicde Cocktail, what would be the best thing to ingest for that? What is the best Suicide Cocktail?",Suicidal +25926,"Hello I am new here and I wanted to get these things off of my chest. I have found myself struggling the couple year with depression even though I have been dealing with it for years. I found a partner two years ago and fell in love but my depression took ahold of my relationship. I was outgoing and had a great outlook on life after leaving a school for software development. It started going downhill quickly after. I could not find work in the field, I was struggling financially, and I started losing my confidence with my partner. I found myself in outbursts of anger and guilt being so stressed out. Later in the relationship I was cheated on. I was broken and did not take any of it lightly. Once I hurt myself dealing with the pain. We became pregnant and everything was looking upwards then I was going through a paternity test in the beginning of Covid-19. It lasted for months to find out and instead of patiently waiting. I was completely depressed and self isolating daily. Moving forward to now I have not left that place my relationship is in shambles I am not outgoing, caring, or taking care of myself at all. I still get angry and cannot control my emotions on a day to day basis. One moment I am happy and I try to cling onto it as much as possible but it slips away so quickly. My thoughts completely take over and all of a sudden I think something is wrong. This is reoccurring almost daily. I feel like each time I only push my partner away even further. I sometimes think she would be better offf with someone else since we keep splitting and coming back together. I wish I was the person before all of this. Now I am barely holding onto myself Holding on to glimmers of happiness",Depression +25927,"""It can get better"" and then ""nothing has purpose, we live horrible lives"". I hate it, i want it all to end. So tired of teetering just on the edge",Suicidal +25928,"Well. Today was the worst day by far. First my very first girlfriend broke up with me. Now my mom just told me that she cannot take it anymore and that she and my dad think about a break up. They had a long marriage. It looks like I am the reason for that because my mom said ""we think about to break up. Thanks"" ... we often had a lot of fights because we are both not easy but now ...I am just unlovable and the worst piece of shit. I ruin everything ... First my relationship... now the marriage from my parents ... To be honest I experienced enough shit ... I do not want to continue this. I want to end my life. Its to much for me. Worst day of my life",Suicidal +25929,"I am trying to get my life where I want it to but I just seem to get rejected from everything. I am at a so so university rn and was attempting to transfer to my first choice. Just received the rejection letter and man it stung. Its the same with work, I was let go in April and I just keep getting rejection after rejection. Then there is my love life or lack of one. To be fair it was me that ended my fwb relationship although it was because it became apparent he did not want anything serious. So now hes gone I am truly alone again. I have some acquaintances and that is about it. Feeling pretty low tonight, I rly hate my life. Rejected from everything",Depression +25930,"This pertains to America. Do they send you to a psych ward if you are a danger to yourself? Say you contact the help line, or the police, what is that process like?",Suicidal +25931,"So my partner, child, and I were having family time. We started a new world on my realm. My child likes role-playing a mischievous mole. I just want to progress through the game. Same with my partner. My child does this thing where they are hanging around our bases, living under the dirt and tunneling about. Mole skin and all. I can hear my chests opening through their tv, so I know they are close the entire time. Were at a point where I have exceeded more random items than can be stored in a single double chest, and they have at least taken four wheat, but who knows what else? I cannot keep mental inventory of every little thing. Finally, after acquiring diamonds and preparing to make an enchantment table, I notice a stack and a half of birch logs missing. I say can I have my birch wood back? My child says I have not even had any birch wood. I say Okay. I was not going to argue. what is the point? This is what they want. They want the drama. This is how this human is. They want to actualize their identity as the mischievous mole living at the expense of the hapless surface dwellers, triumphing against all their efforts to stop them. Why would I do myself the disservice of playing into that?So instead, I just fill up my mine with cobble, I revert my farm to grassland, I store all of my stuff in chests, break the chests, and light it all on fire, throwing the flint and steel in the fire as well. I was clean. I was renewed. I was untethered from this world and had nothing anybody could ever take from me again. Then I start letting the world do with me as it does the unprotected: I let it kill me over and over again.Naturally, my partner and child start to lose their taste for this, not being able to get a meaningful response to their queries as to why I turned a 180. Why would I tell them? there is no possible positive outcome. Only undesirable outcomes. In fact, ALL outcomes would be undesirable REGARDLESS of my course of action. And with the age of my child, with their personality firmly established, there is no hope of influencing a positive change. So I merely respond nonsensically. No anger. No mirth. No silent treatment. Just matter of fact nonsense and non sequiturs. I am not interested in manipulation. I am just interested in not even being worth talking to. And giving them a single in to begin to pull information out of me is just an opportunity for them to manipulate the situation into whatever meets their needs. I am not interested in that. I just want a clean getaway.So now, I am away (physically anyway). And I am starting to think about a plan. I want to cancel all of my subscriptions. Pay off all of my debts. Sell all of my stuff and use the money for funeral arrangements, the completion of which will be ensured by a 3rd party (not sure how it would work, but I am sure it could be figured out). Put together a complete breakdown of all of my accounts (financial and others) details and logins. Leave them for my partner. Get rid of every single one of my earthly belongings, finally getting rid of even all of my clothes and phone at the very end (Ill need them to reach that point). Clean up every loose end. Erase every possible trace of my existence from this world. Then end my life, finally. And be free of all of this. My partner will have to deal with my car on their own, but you cannot have everything. Perfection is an absurd concept, so slight hitches are acceptable.So, yeah. I am really thinking about this. It will permanently damage my partner and child. It will hurt them in ways which will heal over time, and some ways that will hurt forever, which is a tragedy. But I feel like I am finally going to be okay trading my pain for theirs: something I never believed I could feel okay about until now for some reason. More and more I have wanted out for 27 years. Maybe now is finally my time. I am thinking about killing myself because my child stole my birch logs in Minecraft.",Suicidal +25932,"Well, I never know when it is the best time to go, is it when I want to harm myself? Maybe when I just want to kill myself for real? I do not really know can someone tell me? :') When do I know I need to go to the mental hospital?",Depression +25933,"Nobody needs me anymore, I am just going to end up costing so much money trying to get the help I need. I should not even try or Ill stress out everybody around me. they will never understand. I do not want to put them through this. I should have been better. Another day of telling myself I should die",Suicidal +25934,"I never thought I would pass high school, the problem is that. Now I am a 20y who suffers with OCD, anxiety and depression, who barely take my meds, and smoke too much weed. I work to only live, smoke and buy meds when they are over, I sleep one day home one day in friends house, I do not feel wanted in any of those places. I do not know where my life is leading me, I do not have strenght to study.I know I have to fight for a future, but I never thought I would be alive at this point of my life, my plans were to be dead before my 20's. I feel my only safe exit is suicide, the only things that make me feel barely alive are work, weed, and my lil brother. I do not think i will live longer than that. I do not really know where I am going",Depression +25935,Went for a hike today and decided that I am going to quit smoking and go all out with everything I can for a year and if things do not improve I am going to off myself on my next birthday. Man I hate this life. I have to be fake and pit others feels before my own. I have to compete when I have no willpower left. No one cares though. it is survival of the fittest. We just do other meaningless bullshit in-between to fill the gaps in time. An interesting title,Depression +25936,"I got employee of the month at work and I felt major imposter syndrome. I stared at the little congrats sheet and my mind immediately started racing *they are only giving you this because they ran out of people, they are just trying to make you feel better,you do not deserve this*. It really messed with my head that I can never seem to enjoy when good things happen and my self esteem is so low. I wish I could have enjoyed it. I got employee of the month at work..",Depression +25937,"I am 20, going into 3rd year computer science student and I have no clue what to do with myself, I have no goals no motivation for anything. All day I just play video games not really enjoying myself just wasting time and then I rinse and repeat everyday. I have never had much motivation towards anything always scraping through life and I think the biggest problem is that I am very competitive and I always think I know I cannot be the best at ... therefore why should I even try? If you can never be the very best at something why try?",Depression +25938,I want to kms rlly bad rn can anyone distract me or something in dms Pls help,Suicidal +25939,Therapist: what are you crying about? Me: I have no fucking idea. It really do be like that,Depression +25940,"Its just this strong urge I always get when I am this messed up in the head. I wish there was something I could do that would satisfy it. I feel like such a piece of shit, even posting here I feel so pathetic. I just want to hit my head against the wall",Suicidal +25941,"I have struggled with my mental health for so long but its starting to feel impossible. I am doing good in therapy, i just got accepted to a new collage, I am trying to get healthy. but it seems no matter what i do there is always a dark cloud following me, every night pushes me further and further and i do not know how far i can go anymore. like how am i supposed to not be hopeless when everything is going the best it has in ages and yet i still have this overwhelming urge for death. I am exhausted so exhausted. and this time i feel i cannot tell anybody because they see all the things going right and want to fix it but there is literally nothing to fix I am just a broken person and I am starting to feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel. i wish i could believe it but i do not. my life is the best it has been in years, yet i still want to die",Suicidal +25942,"I am a joke, no friends, everyone thinks I am weird, cannot talk to girls, porn addict since 6th grade ) I am in 11th now) I have lost friends, my own family probably hates me too, they think I am weird because all i do i listen to sad music and they think I am depressed and all this shit, they also think I am a Nazi because, i Just watch videos about Hitler all day because I do not know what else to fuckin' do, (No, I am not a Nazi, I just like history btw) I just stay inside and my parents get mad at me because i do not go out the house and that i need a job and i should socialize more, but i have asthma and I am scared to get covid because then I will probably die and i do not want to go out like that, but yeah just a quick rant :/ cannot take it anymore",Suicidal +25943,Its a fucking hell sentence this life. Suicide is so damn tempting. It feels good when I think of hanging myself in some forest at night time. I could not seem to find any nooses online but hopefully soon. I really hope God is fake. I will be pissed if I end up in eternal flames or some shit. I have had enough. It never gets better so fuck you deeply if you say it does. Idk if I actually will do it but its so tempting consistently.. guess time will tell Ugly/depressed/dumb/undesirable/useless,Depression +25944,"$4000 in 2018 for the psych ward.$2000 for breaking leases and moving.$1000 again for breaking a lease and moving.>$10,000 for therapists and psychiatrists.Just let me die already My parents are spending tens of thousands of dollars just to keep me alive.",Suicidal +25945,"&#x200B;my parents are no longer the infallible role models I thought, but deeply flawed apes who do not know anything like the rest of us. In fact I have no role models anymorehuman relationships are not mysterious and wonderful and fateful, but predictable chemical reactions that can be broken down to a science life is not exciting and wonderful, but boring and predictable and horrendous I am so disillusioned with life",Depression +25946,Everything's so bad I have been numb for days with pounding impending doom. I have a lot of bad things stacking up and not a lot of time to leave it is time,Suicidal +25947,I made something to hangmyself I am at my end. Sleeping outside being humiliated and tortured by myself.,Suicidal +25948,Specifically from depression caused by childhood trauma. Has anyone ever made a complete recovery?,Depression +25949,"I am fucking tired of my parents constantly being at my throats for fucking mistakes. They show they hate me, and try to cover their asses later. I was hoping to just wait but I cannot do this. I am going to lie on the train tracks near my house and wait. I have made attempts before, but I am ready now. No matter how much they try to cover their asses, I will always know they hate me - they constantly scream at me for things I did not do. They hate me and love the others; and to my friends, I wish you the best. I love uou but I cannot live on a world where everyone is against me. I will miss you guys. Goodbye. I plan to commit suicide",Suicidal +25950,I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate how I can never do anything right. I hate that I am not straight. I hate that I believe in God. I hate that I cannot be happy. My family makes me want to kill myself. I hate that out of all the sperm my dad shot into my mom I had to be the fucker that was born. I hate my body. I hate my voice. I hate my ugly ass face. I hate every day I have to live through. Why cannot I just drop dead. Why cannot I just stop existing. Why cannot I just sleep forever. Why cannot I just get hit by a train. Just what in the fuck is the point of living. I hate Everything.,Depression +25951,My boyfriend just got called into work so I am all alone right now. I am so anxious and sad I want to scratch off my skin,Depression +25952,"I do not know when I became this person. I do not recognize myself at all. I do not know where the old me went. I just want to be happy again, and I am trying my hardest to do so. I do not know how I became some who was so cold hearted and does not care for anyone. I have not gone one day without smoking weed, its my only way to feel happy. Now that smoking has became a problem I have no outlet. I have no way of making myself happy, because any other things that do make me happy are out of the question. I am the problem in everyone is life, and even they have said so. I do not know how I got to the point where I do not eat anymore. I hardly care about my appearance, or about anything in general. I do not know why I have not committed suicide yet. I am so unhappy with my life and anything I do, does not make it better. I am trying emotionally and physically to try and be happy, to try and do things to make myself happy, they only temporarily last. Ill only ever be temporarily happy, and then its gone. I do not know how to change, I have tried everything I could. I am more outgoing, I push myself outside of my comfort square, and yet it does not work. I do not know who I am anymore. I am someone who no one recognizes, I am someone who I hardly recognize. One way or another I know I am ever going to get better, and I probably will have to end up committing suicide. Its not like I actually want to die, I just do not want to have to live like this anymore. I do not even recognize myself anymore",Depression +25953,I just do not know how to do it. It is not like I cannot jump in front of a train at 3AM... I want to die now NOW,Suicidal +25954,I need good reasons not to. Please help me? I simply want to die.,Suicidal +25955,I am just done. Its almost 3am and I am about to cut my wrist open idk why I should stay any longer I am ready to end it all,Suicidal +25956,"we were not arguing or anything, i was just pouring my feelings out and he did not know what to say. i feel so lonely and just so so lost. i want to kill myself after talking to my boyfriend and i do not understand why",Depression +25957,"I have been on these two medications (in addition to a low dose of seroquel for sleep) for a little over two months. I have noticed an improvement in my anxiety and overall emotion regulation. I am still depressed but not sad if that makes sense? I have all the physical symptoms of depression still (lethargy, brain fog, apathy) but I am not as emotional as I used to be. I am experiencing brain fog badly right now. I cannot finish homework. I can hardly get it started. I feel outside of myself. The brain fog is significantly worse than before I started these medications.**Has anyone tried this combination of medication and experienced this? What was your experience like? Any additional medications help? I feel like I have improved significantly but this brain fog is way too much. I am not sure if changing medications is something I want to pursue. tldr; what is your experience with lexapro, Wellbutrin and brain fog? Any additional medications help? How do you overcome brain fog? Lexapro and Wellbutrin brain fog? Help",Depression +25958,Fuuuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk me man life is so fucking pointless with severe depression. Fuck me. No point to life when I cannot feel pleasure or happiness. ' professional help ' has not done fuck all but make it worse. I am so ugly and dumb and undesirable and pathetic. What a worthless piece of shit I am. I do not think I can keep going much longer I might aswell just get a noose soon Suicide is so tempting,Suicidal +25959,I am done sleeping outside and my mind is made up. I want nothing. I am nothing. I will not give anyone the satisfaction anymore to see me like this This week my humiliating and torturous journey will end,Suicidal +25960,"I wanted to get this off my chest. I am so tired. I am tired of trying so hard and feeling like its not going anywhere. Today my professor accused me of cheating, I am a pre nursing major. And if that goes on my permanent record then I will never get into nursing school. And no i did not cheat. I spend 40 plus hours on this class every week. I am so done with the education system. Its so wack. I cannot even fight my case. This sent me spiraling today. My immediate thought was, well this is it. Just like that, my career is over before even starting it. School was my last glimmer of hope for my future. This was the only thing keeping me going. I do not know what do now. I keep thinking of ways to end it now. And i do not see a way out of this. I do not want to exist anymore. I just lost everything. I have no way to prove anything. I am tired, i was 3 classes away from completing my pre reqs. I am an A student. And just like that, its all gone. All of my hard work is gone. I hate you Dr. B. This was my last thing. This was it for me. This is all i had left. And its gone. I love school. I really wanted to be a nurse. But it just got taken from me. And I did not do anything wrong. Fuck the education system. I paid for it out of pocket. I worked my ass off to be here. Goodbye. I do not want to exist anymore. I am tired",Depression +25961,The road to my current mental health state started years ago with the first domino of my uncle killing himself. Now I feel stuck because I want to die but I cannot do the same thing to my niece and nephew that my uncle did to me. If he did not kill himself first I might not be suicidal in the first place or I would be free to do it without fully understanding the consequences. In reality tho now all I want to do is end it but I cannot because I know what it would do to my loved ones because it happened to me. I do not know which is worse and just want to stop spiraling. I resent my Uncle for showing me the aftermath of suicide.,Suicidal +25962,My dad is so angry at this moment because I am fucking up everything (school ect.). I fucked everything up because this fucking pussyboy is too scared to go to school. My dad has taken away my internet from me and now I have nothing left. I only talk to people online and that is now impossible too. I have nothing to live for and I just fucked everything up. I want to die sooo bad. Social anxiety is killing me,Suicidal +25963,"My mother will not stop finding new ways to harass me and attempt to have me kill myself. Whether it be different phone numbers, having her friends leave I have contacted authorities but they will not serve justice until I successfully die. Even my past attempts at suicide where she talked me into it they could not do anything about her threats and harassment Mother is at it again",Suicidal +25964,I just cannot be bothered to go to sleep. The haunting feeling of waking up to a new day of responsibilities and stress just makes me want to stay up all night and treasure the time I have where I truly feel at ease. I do not even feel tired anymore do not want to sleep,Depression +25965,"Hello everyone,I have used drugs on and off throughout my teens. I am a twenty year old male that has lived a very happy and fortunate life. However, the lows that I have hit throughout have always truly haunted me. My family has a history of high-strung anxiety and off-and-on depression that has unfortunately trickled down to me, along with addiction issues (which I am lucky not to have fallen into). I have been through unconventional therapy that has really helped me as I hit rock bottom in my late teens - which is another exhausting story in of itself. I struggled with deep depression and was lost in life. I can expand on it if you would like later on.I am currently heading to my first year of college as a sophomore (since last years was entirely online). I struggle with chronic fear of public speaking and social anxiety as I had terrible experiences with my peers throughout high school, especially as I was living alone and fairly isolated. I plan on taking a second oral communication course to get over my fears since it still petrifies me. I am and have always been an extremely sensitive person and always wary of what people think of me.In short, I am looking for an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety prescription medication that is non-addictive, but at the same time will allow me to coast through life for the first weeks of my upcoming college year. I have tried Benzos but the side effects and soul-gripping addiction it causes is something I can not allow myself to fall into. Looking for a prescription medication that will allow me to basically feel emotionless and non-reactive, since as I mentioned I am an extremely sensitive person in general.I hope I am in the right subreddit. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Anti-Depressants/Anti-Anxiety Prescription Meds That Will Make Me Fairly Emotionless?",Depression +25966,"I think my life is a mistake from the moment I was conceived. My dad never wanted to have children, and when I was born, he spent years trying to make me change. The truth is I am not the son he wanted me to be. I have always been sensitive, and flamboyant. I did not like sports, I always felt more comfortable when I was around girls, and I later found out I was gay. For years I struggled- and still struggle- with that, not only because I feel like I will never be enough for my father, but also because I live in a very homophobic state in a very homophobic country. I grew up being the punching bag for the boys around me, and that led me to having countless traumas, of which I cannot let go until this day. These traumas caused me to isolate myself because I thought anyone I met would dislike me for being gay. I became really shy and unable to open up to the point where I cannot befriend anyone because people feel like they cannot approach me. The last time I made a friend was four years ago, and I feel terrible for that.I never felt like I was good at anything. The only thing I was proud of was that I (thought I) was smart. I spent all my school years trying to be the best student- and I was- hoping that it would grant me a good future, or maybe a feeling that I was doing something; going somewhere. But today I got the response from my dream university and I could not get in. I am so fucking useless that I was able to fail the one thing I have been preparing for over the last 8 years of my life.I cannot see myself in one, five, let alone 10 years. I have a passion, which is writing. I also really love music. But none of these will give me a future, at least not where I live. I also feel terrible that I am feeling like this, because I was supposed to have a good life. I always had food on my plate, my parents are able to afford all of our expenses, including a few luxuries now and then. There are millions, billions of people who have a much harder time than me, and I wish I could switch places with them, because they would make much better use of my opportunities than I do.I wish I had something to cling to. Maybe the idea of a God who will make everything be worth it in the future. Or that fate holds great things for me in the long run. But deep down I know that all of this- life- is just a sequence of coincidences, and nothing will guarantee that my tomorrow will be different from yesterday. I feel like I was born to die",Suicidal +25967,"Long time Reddit lurker, first time poster.Anyone take Sertraline (I am on 100mg per day) and/or Propranolol (40mg 3 times per day or as and when I need it) and drink alcohol or have any experience I should be wary of? I cannot sleep and could really sink a few beers haha. I am also no newbie to antidepressants, I took 20mg fluoxetine for 2 years prior to this switchover last month as I found it to be having no effect on my depression anymore. Thanks in advance! Propranolol/Sertraline & Alcohol",Depression +25968,All that matters in this life is bringing yourself to a place of total joy and bliss. If you are blissful by your own nature then every drop of life is enjoyable no matter what it is. You will also overcome all obstacles seamlessly.Other people's judgements are not coming from a place of joy. If someone is truly joyful in their life they will feel no desire to judge needlessly and instead will be focused on enjoying their lives. These are not the people to concern yourself with. do not worry about what others think,Depression +25969,My humiliation and mental torture of sleeping outside has finally come too much.THIS WEEK I WILL HA.NG MYSELF. I am TIRED OF LIVING ESPECIALLY IN THIS BODY. I cannot TAKE THIS ANYMORE,Suicidal +25970,"My best friend's dad died today at 58. My dad decided to go away from me and now I am living with my mom, I am 17. My girlfriend told me today after 2 years and a half of seeing eachother everyday that our relationship is coming to an end... I just want to be the next to die at this point. The universe went down on me with 3 losses in a day.",Suicidal +25971,"Yo! So, as the post says, got the coppers called on me while texting the crisis textline. Soooo the suicide hotline CAN track your location and apartment number. 6 fucking police officers knocked on my fucking door and I had to boldface lie to them, giving my preferred name and a dead number. Now to be fair, I am extremely exhausted of living and did some...questionable things, but I did not FUCKING MENTION THAT? Regardless, they came, I pretended to have no idea what was going on, but they took my \*fake\* name, real last name, DOB and dead number. Will they come back? I hope the fuck not. I am. So tired of trying. I am not trying the hotline anymore. I am just petrified they are going to come back. Got a nice lil team of coppers called on me a few nights ago when feeling low",Suicidal +25972,"each task even as simple as getting out of bed seems too much for me sometimes- it is hard to describe depression in words but metaphorically speaking, it feels like you are in the water drowning and trying to stay afloat at the same time. I have lost so much in my life, I could not think of one person to call or text to talk to . I feel like if I even talk about having depression, people would just dismiss me just life they have done so in the past with comments such as ""you are too young to have depression"" (I am 21), ""other people have it much worse"", ""you probably just sad try to be happy"". I feel like it is an endless cycle and it is a cycle I am getting increasingly tired of and I cannot seem to fight anymore. Everyone has given up on me and I feel like I am giving up on me too. Therapy is so expensive and getting a doctor's appointment face to face during covid is near impossible. I have no social support whatsoever. I do not have any hope anymore and most days I feel like I am just drowning, waiting for the water to take me in. endless melancholy, losing hope",Depression +25973,"I have lost all my friends and i do not know what to do, every day i feel like i did something wrong but i do not know what i did to lose everything do not know what to do",Depression +25974,"Its been a long time coming. My family and friends have tried to help the best they could, the medical system has tried to help the best it could, but my brain is just unfixable. I am really scared to die, but I am more scared to live like this. My partner and I barely even speak anymore, and I love him more than anything. Hes trying so hard, I just do not have anything so say. My mom basically in hysterics trying to deal with my daily bullshit. I cannot live like this anymore.Goodbye, everybody Figure I should tell somebody",Suicidal +25975,"I wish i was not so big wimp. I would be dead already.There is 0 reason to live. My health is just getting worse. The pain is too large. And all of it is caused by poisonous pharmaceuticals I got for my mental health and substance abuse problems. I wish I never went for ""treatment"". Those problems were bearable if my physical health was intact.The ""treatments"" just made my health worse and my will to die even bigger. The healthcare staff just wants me dead. They want me as customer after destroying my health? I told them to get lost and that I would never visit them. They will no longer hurt me.Poisonous meds and bad treatment caused me to also lose the relationships I had. Everyone hates me and wants me dead. I do not care.I wish I could die but that is not possible. There are no pro-choice laws where I live and methods are restricted. I cannot purchase poison, drugs or firearms legally. I have to suffer until I die from poor health or get courage to kill myself.I seem to be weak, dying 50 years before my life expectancy. I am truly bitter. I want to live long but it seems impossible. I wish I could do it",Suicidal +25976,My humiliation and mental torture of sleeping outside has finally come too much. My unemployment is done n I am just tired. I am going to make a nooseout of my charger cord n hangmyself I know this week will be the week i end it all. My humiliation and mental torture of sleeping outside has finally come too much.,Suicidal +25977,"I am not even sure i can make it to fall at the rate I am going . Everything feels unbearable again . I am right back at the point l was years ago and now somehow its even worse . I feel so close to edge and I am about ready to jump off . Tonight is again a bad one and all l can think of is "" l do not want to be here anymore "" I will not make it to winter at this rate",Suicidal +25978,I have been depressed since I was 10 I am now 21. I am so tired of living in this rut. I have been on tons of meds with no success ect therapy the works. At this point I just want to die. I am smart and have a goals. People say my future is bright but I do not know how to connect the present to this bright future that I desperately want and others tell me about. The only real thing standing in the way of me ending it is the people who Ill hurt and leave behind. I wish I could push them out of my mind so I can be at peace or if not peace nothing. I do not believe in God 100% since being raised Christian in the back of my head I think about burning for eternity. that is not enough for me to care because I am in pain now and at least if I go I will not be reminded of the goals I feel I cannot achieve. When I was younger I was going to be better by 18 then 19 then 21. Trust me its not for lack of trying. I think Ill get drunk tonight and go through with it I am just so tired and idk what to do anymore,Suicidal +25979,"what is the point? I do not really know how long I have had depression but I can always remember asking that or ""why?"" to myself and the thing is there is no answer. Not really. Sure you can give a good answer but if you keep asking you either get an endless, pointless cycle or nothing. So why bother?I have tried so hard to do well I left school with decent grades even through constant bullying, I tried my best before I had to drop out of college and was doing okay and yet here I am failing time and time again. Every time I try to get help I start to feel better and do well until something happens and I fail and go back to square one, alone and feeling like shit. Thing is each failure gets harder, if I try the inevitable failure makes it harder and harder to get back up and try again. It feels like being in a well with a rotten wooden ladder as my only way out, each time I climb I fall and bits of the ladder breaks off. I try and fail over and over and the only reason I seem to keep trying is because in my head somewhere I still have a tiny bit of hope that occasionally seeps through the cracks. But all hope really is is a lie, a stupid lie that maybe things can get better, that maybe if I try hard enough I will get somewhere and get to be happy... but that is not how it works, I fail it is what I am best at.I have been so alone through all of this, sure there have been people that I talked to, that helped, but I have not had someone I would call a friend in almost 7 years and I do not even remember the last time, if ever, someone gave me a hug not as a ""family formality"" or something but because they cared. I do not even know how to make friends anymore, I was shite at it in school and for all the help getting rid of anxiety I am no less awkward, if not more. I always feel so out of place and almost feel normal just being a lone wolf, whenever I play teams games online I find it so much easier just to do whatever the goal is myself. I do not want to be alone, far from it, I have tried personals and online dating but who would want to be involved with me in anyway? Sure I could try sell myself on the occasional positive but that is not going to last long.I am going to die cold and alone, and no one will care, why should they? I will not kill myself... as much as I would like to I know I will not go through with it, I would probably just fail at that too... All I want is to feel like someone wants me, just a proper real hug, 7.9 billion people and I cannot have just that? Why could not I have been something else, why did I have to pick human of all things?I do not expect anything to come of this, I do not expect anyone to care... so just carry on, forget about me. what is the point?",Depression +25980,"Constantly thinking about killing myself, wasting my life doing nothing never experiencing the joys of life only the miseries. I used to just spend it in my room cutting and cutting then hanging myself on the doorknob to no avail just slightly discomforting my throat. I barely function as a normal person, always blank mind never relating to anyone just thinking about killing myself. I hope I kill myself by the end of the week never enjoyed this life. fucking wish I owned a gun would have splattered my head by now instead of posting on this fucking stupid shit I am tired of it all",Suicidal +25981,Thank you! Feel free to send me a message I just need someone I can talk to....please,Suicidal +25982,My depressed friend (24F) has told me that its better for us to stop talking because she thinks she is toxic and that is why she does not want to talk to anyone. Should I keep reaching out to her less often or just forget about her(24M)?,Depression +25983,"...So I could feel like I had a reason to be depressed. Like I deserved sympathy or empathy for my depression. I am good looking, intelligent, employed, and empty inside. I was emotionally neglected, but not obviously so. Anyone who would understand has had it worse than me it seems, so what do I have to complain about? it is as if my depression is unjustified. Like there is no reason to ask for help because I should not need it in the first place. And yet I move through life without meaning and a fabricated purpose. I feel unseen and like I do not deserve to be seen because I have not suffered enough and my low sense of self is unworthy self-loathing. Why speak up about feelings I should not have? Just suffer silently and one day I will enjoy the sweet release of death, and only you anonynous Redditors will have heard the voiceless words of my sadness I kind of wish my life had been worse...",Depression +25984,I am stuck and just never should have been born I hate myself and my family so much I want to die,Suicidal +25985,"Hi reddit.I am done trying with life. Not a single person gives two shits about me. Not my parents, not my brothers, not my girlfriend. All my parents do is order me around, forcing me into things I frankly wanting nothing to do with. I am not talking petty chores, I am talking about paying for groceries, going shopping for them, going to college. It sounds like they are just trying to keep me from having my life no longer moving forward, but in reality, they have decided my future for me. They want me to go into something like the medical field or something that is ""lucrative"" in their eyes. I just want to be a dog trainer; earn an AA or something and be done with college and schooling, and start my own dog training business. My parents love to say I do nothing; I am the most productive person in the house besides my parents. I do all the chores except for laundry and cooking, which my parents do. They had me learn just enough to take care of all the chores, but not able to actively take care of myself if I was on my own. My brothers are too concerned with themselves. Every last one of them is just selfish; all four. My older brother is a fuck-up, he works a job he hates and spends every last dime on stupid shit, and nothing towards savings or moving out or anything productive. The brother below me is just a monster; he pulls knives on people daily. But he is the golden child, and my parents protect him from consequences despite the fact that he will kill someone someday. it is not a matter of if, but when. Next in line, he simply cannot see beyond himself. He thinks he is the biggest, baddest thing to come down to earth since Shaquille O'Neal, all because he practices karate. he is a brown belt, yeah, but that does not mean he is big and bad and most important. He just cannot that through his head though. Lastly, the youngest is just a combination of the other three. Violent, selfish, and unproductive. he is headed for the life of the oldest, just with worse anger issues. My girlfriend... I am sorry to say, but the relationship is over. She was the best thing for me in the last four years we were together, but now... there is no love between us. it is just sex. And I am not looking for that. I wish I could save money so I could get like a train ticket or something and leave. Not tell anyone, leave the state, and never return. But my savings keep hemorrhaging over everything else I have to do. Groceries for the family, school, and other general necessities. Furthermore, I have a baby girl that I own that I have to take care of; my dog is the only thing I trust in my life. I wish I could just keel over and die, but my dog would be left with no one. I have to care for her. If I suddenly adopted her out, my parents would get suspicious and probably find someway to make sure I could not leave. I just need an out. I would not want to adopt her out either though. she is the one thing that keeps me sane. I need help, but I do not know where to turn. I will say I am autistic, ADHD, obviously depressed, and known to have panic attacks. But it is no wonder given that I am stuck on a path I do not want to take. I am tired. Very tired. I may run away for real after I post this, but I am still deciding. I cannot figure out if it would honestly be worth it; go down the path set for me and expected of me, but be unhappy, or run away and risk trying to find my own happiness. I cannot do this anymore",Depression +25986,"i battled with severe low mood, depression and intense feelings of anxiety for more than 10 years. i also had cases where i almost attempted. last time where i felt this severe was during the end of 2020. (do not worry i do not get these feelings anymore)over the past 6 months my life changed for the better. i learned new coping mechanisms that were positive to keep me surviving. as well as mentally thinking positively rather than negatively. however my motivation and ability to do day to day tasks or work where i require to focus went down the drain. at first i thought it was my procrastination getting worse. however really my brain is fried. my attention span is non existent. i did not realise it was that bad till now over the summer holidays (i go to uni) where i now have free time to read or watch shows i find myself not focusing at all. i cannot even sit and watch it because i see no point? despite the fact i want to internally. it takes me a week to even respond to an email (and that is only because it is severely important) i have deadlines for coursework over the summer to complete which is important to me however i simply can not do it. i feel as though subconsciously i have still given up. it is awful that i now feel as though i am frozen and losing pace of reality. as though i froze in the same state of depression but without the severe emotional baggage that i once had. does anyone relate to this? and any help or advice would be great c i am frozen mentally and do not know where to go. my attention span is fried. and i am stuck in a depressive rut.",Depression +25987,"For those who used to take antidepressants and successfully got off of them, how did you know when you were ready? Quitting antidepressants?",Depression +25988,"Everything is moving so fast and I can never keep up with anything. I need a fucking break, like 3 months of people not expecting anything from me and forgetting I even exist PLEASEE I just want the time to stop",Depression +25989,"I am 15 years old and I feel like shit. Even though its summer i feel like nothing fucking matters anymore. I recently took a trip to see family, on this trip I saw my cousin who was in town for a volleyball tournament and my older brother who lives here. The trip was an absolute disaster, I fucked up my friendship with my cousin cuz of something I do not even remember saying and the week alone I was supposed to have with my brother got ruined because I got everyone sick, my dad is mad at me for a shit ton of reasons and i feel like an absolute piece of shit. I do not know what to do at this point. I do not have any friends, I am basically all alone and I just feel like no one cares. I feel awful",Depression +25990,i do not know how much longer i can go without actually doing it haha. i just want to be okay again. i know i could have an amazing life but right now there is so much pain. aparently everything will get better eventually but its really hard to see that far into the future right now. i really hope it gets better. literally every day i come so close to killing myself,Suicidal +25991,When you realize that you are the guy that makes her feel good enough to go for the guy she really wants,Depression +25992,"cannot even explain what brought me to the point, but suffice it to say I have become something sinister and this needs to be taken care of. Any ideas on a painless out? If I had a gun I would do it. I really want to go.",Suicidal +25993,"I have had depression for 4 years, since a stroke paralyzed the entire left side of my body and left me partially blind. On top of it, I am going deaf in my left ear. I see both a psychiatrist and psychologist, ha e been on a slew of meds that have not worked and I am trying to pursue ketamine, which I have read may be of use to Patient s with treatment-resistant depression. I honestly with friends and family: I am down, but seeking help. What bothers me are the cheerful.inquiries, every two.or three days:"" How are you doing now?"". it is polite, but they do not get it...I am not just going to ""snap"" out of it. I have gone out ofy way to reassure the that I not going to.harm myself and am actively seeking help. Does nobody see what a huge hole this is to climb out of? I feel like the only folks who could understand would be those in a similar situation. Ask me in a month: ""what inroads have you made?"", ""How can i help?"". My timeline is one leg up a month, at best. I work incredibly hard not to be a "" Debby Downer"". Now, stop and think about my reality and the timeline it takes for improvementDoes anyone else here confront this issue? ""Youust be better by now'""",Depression +25994,"Just getting some emotions and stuff off my chest.I am so tired. I have nothing to live for. No spouse, no kids, not even a job right now. I do not see a point in staying alive yet something in me will not let me kill myself. I do not want to die",Suicidal +25995,"I just want to die and for everything to stop. I do not want to feel the pain or the sadness. I just want to feel nothing and to die. I cannot believe that my mom cares about me when she cannot even get my name right and does not try to. I want to die. I do not know why I am posting this, maybe its in place of a suicide note to my friends. I do not even know what I would do it with. I am so tired. I do not want to wake up. I just want everything to stop",Suicidal +25996,"I am in a state of numbness. I have finished school so it has relieved a lot of pressure. However a few days after I go out with a guy for school ,which I did not like, so I could get some experience go out with guys and I ended up getting sexually assaulted I am glad he did not rape me you was so sacred that he would but I still haunts me 1 mounts later because I feel him on me. So as my mental health was already shit its even shitter now. Well I got sexually assaulted",Depression +25997,# The future feels hopeless The future feels hopeless,Depression +25998,"I am going through a pretty rough time. In the morning when I wake up I just feel a sort of dull sadness, and I am very listless as I go about the morning. Then midday hits and I am just completely down. No energy, nothing cheers me up. Then as the sun goes down I start getting that panicky sad where I feel like I am just going to burst into tears at any minute. Its the same pattern every day and I cannot stand it. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel a certain kind of sad in the morning and a different kind as the day goes on, in the same pattern consistently every day?",Depression +25999,"When I was around 13-early ish 16 I did some pretty dumb and socially unforgivable things and I do not think its a type of thing you can discuss about with loved ones if I was to tell anyone they would not look at me again no matter how much I said I changed, the stuff I was doing I was not aware of being wrong its only when I grew up a bit I realised and remembered what I done it made me feel shit and like I was a monster I legit want to die, the guilt is insane and even if others can forgive me I am not sure if I can forgive myself everything I have recently got I feel unworthy off I feel like shit! I feel guilty all the time",Suicidal +26000,"I cannot enjoy anything.All the things I used to love now leave me indifferent at best. My craft? I am not good at it anymore, no point in trying. Music? It all sounds like noise. Videogames? they are all boring and samey. Friendships? I do not have those anymore. I do not have anything going on in my life, no career, no education, no money, no skills, nothing I can be proud of. I am well aware my problem has a solution (working hard, earning what I want) but *none seems to understand that I do not have it in me to solve my own life.*I do not want to go to college, I want to sleep all day long, scream until my throat hurts, and cry my eyes out.Life is pointless to me and the only reason why I am not ending it all is because of my boyfriend. I am just waiting for him to get tired of me so I can put an end to my suffering. No joy",Depression +26001,"i hate when people go ""I am so fat!"" when they are under 180lbsim fucking 235lbs and i want to kill myself over this shit. I am sick and fucking tired of feeling so heavy all the timeeveryone wishes they were skinny but nobody wishes they were fat.i do not even want to work out, i just want to kill myselfit's not even worth trying to do anything in this world anymoreim only 17 and I am already fucking doneim in so much goddamn pain every day and people are always like ""oh wait until adulthood""yeah, thanks, I do not want to fucking wait until adulthood. if it only gets worse from here, why should i even bother trying to live?sometimes i wish i could slice open my belly and scoop out all of the fat from my disgusting bodybut in the end, this shit is just words. I am too much of a lazy shit to do anything, and I am too much of a pussy to kill myselfim too scared of surviving, so i just lay here every day, my brain fucking rotting awayfuck life. fuck life so fucking much. fuck looking at the bright side, there is no bright side. being fat is the fucking worst",Suicidal +26002,"I usually get anxiety with my GAD but today it is depression. Feel so emotionally numb. Yesterday it was pure anxiety and now the opposite, and frankly it is worse than anxiety. I have no drive to write (my passsion) or play games or do anything. I just want nothing Rare bout of depression",Depression +26003,"I have always gotten good grades because all the learning kind of came easy to me but ALSO I believed that if I got bad grades I would be grounded/some punishment. And I really did not notice it until school was online because of COVID. My school friends did not transport well into the new lifestyle so I was now conversing on my phone with new people that were not in my area. The grade anxiety did not completely show up then until my brother got multiple bad grades. The actual story was, he was not turning in the homework because he had done it during zoom class and so the teacher did not give him points. But the way I heard the story was, he got bad grades and he was now grounded. No phone, no YouTube, no nothing without permission. So getting bad grades would mean I would get my phone taken away. So I would not get to talk with my friends or anything and I already had trust issues. With past friendships breaking from different things, I really needed friendships and getting my phone taken away would not help anything.So my warped little mind pressured me into believing that If I get **one** bad grade, we will be in deep *trouble* Wooooooooo Grades",Depression +26004,When you lose ur self you wish at your friend would stay. But unfortunately even those leave. not capable of understanding your situation. And then you think it does not matter because I am already dead inside anyway. I already lost hope in me. but I wish someone else did not...so it matters but does not at the same time. What a deep rant that was. Wishing your friend was there,Depression +26005,"Why him? In our own garage too. Why is it like this. I thought everything was going smoothly. But now it got worse than before. I do not understand. I should have never taken my eyes off of him. This world is really out for me. I can never be happy. My kitten, my source of joy, just died. I cannot believe this. I want to disappear right now.",Depression +26006,"I have truly been suicidal since 12/13 and I am 22 now. I do not feel grateful for it, I just feel like a fraud that I have not been able to go through with it. Like why I keep going when I am barely functional anyway.I do not come across as suicidal or even unstable just maybe very traumatised and absent minded. Its ruined friendships and relationships. It ruined a relationship with a guy I was seeing, and also the next guy I dated.I am just tired. What does it mean if I have not gone through with it yet",Suicidal +26007,"My anxiety and depression have set me back enormously in life since it started and I have been bleeding away since, academically, socially and romantically, I have tried therapy but it just does not work for me, i believe it is going to be genetic, as there is history in both sides of my family, and the worst part is that my peers are slowly pulling away and it is so frustrating because it is an illness that is stopping me, an illness we have no strong cure for and slowly chips away at me.Just wanted to vent Setting me back",Depression +26008,"I know there is people out there who do not live in a depressed state and do not even do a great effort to stay well.Yes, a lot of it is luck, circumstances etc.But I believe that some people are simply better at managing themselves. Which makes their lives have a rythm they can dance to. I suspect a lot of it is unconscious and learned through their parents. So it seems natural.The big challenge for us who do not know how. Will be to figure it out manually and push the right buttons until it works. I want to get to a next level.",Depression +26009,i have everything ready. I just need a reason to stay convince me not to hang myself,Suicidal +26010,"Today got breakdown in front of my parents and they just did not gave a fuck. Fuck it feels awful. I am really hoping that I will be at least strong enough, once in my lifetime, to end my journey I am fucking loosing it",Suicidal +26011,"i am 14 female and my therapist says i have pocd (pedophile ocd) but i do not know if i am a pedophile or not and I am so confused and so drained and i would really rather die than be attracted to kids, most people would agree that pedos should die so i am thinking that if i just ended it then no one would care because who gaf about pedophiles. i really would do everyone a favor, i hung out with my 7 year old cousin yesterday and everything was normal and i felt no attraction towards her and we actually had a lot of fun playing legos and then when she left i had in intrusive thought and now i want to end it all again. and if it turns out i am actually attracted to kids i do not think i would physically be able to live with myself, what do you guys think? also people always tell me that god will help but god is not helping and I am just wondering when is it my turn for god to save me?? i want help i want to be normal i am just tired and drained",Suicidal +26012,"I have been going through a separation this year and started taking Zoloft (mostly only 25 mg) a bit earlier 7 months ago initially due to my first full blown panic attack. I am super sensitive to almost all pharmaceuticals and usually get the side effects only 3-5% experience - usually sexual dysfunction, suicidal ideations, and out of character behavior. Like most SSRI's it worked well for me the first 3 months or so then started doing the opposite and the above side effects become more pronounced so I often stop after 4 or months. I tried many SSRI's when I was much younger and stopped them for a long time due to such experiences. This time was different and I really needed something fast for my sudden anxiety attacks. I stuck with it longer this time because I was afraid I would be more vulnerable with the separation, pandemic, financial stress all happening at once. But the Zoloft was starting to make me feel like I was in a permanent haze - mornings have especially been difficult. I have zero energy until I have my coffee and Wellbutrin (only 1/4 of a 75 mg pill). I have been taking the Wellbutrin the past 2 months to combat the lack of energy and ability to focus. My smoking weed and drinking both increased by 3-4 times in the last 2 months. They had both been creeping up since the separation, but especially while living alone again the past 2 months. After tapering off for about 7 or 8 days, I completely stopped the Zoloft 5 days ago. I am continuing with the Wellbutrin for now. In the last 3 days I have been experiencing sudden crying outbursts. Yes there are triggers and memories that set them off, but how quickly in intensity it gets as well as the frequency (every few hours) is something new. Is this because of coming off Zoloft? How long does this usually last? Crying spells after quitting Zoloft?",Depression +26013,"How I read about what deepest despair they live in. How they do not want to live anymore. it is so sad to hear from them how they have phrases full sadness and see the vast emptiness in their eyes, see them lose themselves. It is so terrible how people dry up and everything just turns gray for them. It is so terrible to realize that you cannot help them because you cannot even help yourself. It is terrible to read how people collapse.",Depression +26014,"I just want to feel how other people feel. When my life feels all for naught, am I just existing, or am I truly alive..?",Depression +26015,"The older I get all I can do is laugh at the sheer absurdity of life. I wake up, eat breakfast, work a soul crushing job for 10-12 hours, go home, eat dinner, shower, sleep, and do it all over again. I am supposed to be grateful for what I have, but I am not. I hate nearly every detail of my life. I want to make changes, but that seems like an insurmountable task. I have shut myself off from everyone except for my SO, but I have been keeping them at arms length too. I will not let anyone get close enough to see just how knackered I am by life. The numbness I feel is only topped by the bitterness that caused it. When my fractured mental state is on the verge of collapse I just start laughing uncontrollably. I see now that none of it matters, I am just another grunt trying to make enough money to survive. If anything happens to me, only a few will be affected. I have suicidal thoughts, not tendencies, at least not yet. I think of death almost non-stop. I welcome the idea of dying almost every waking moment, try to keep myself distracted from it, not always successful. I honestly think I died 10 years ago and have been stuck in limbo, would certainly explain the absurdity of the last 10 or so years. But if that is not true then I must be insane or delusional at the very least. I go down that rabbit hole on a near daily basis. I am not even sure I want life to be real anymore. Maybe I am just trapped in someone is imagination or vivid dreams. What is real life, how do I return to it, or do I stay trapped in this cycle of trying to break free of some self imposed prison for mistakes I made years ago. I cannot always distinguish fact from fiction, but I also feel like I am just punishing myself. Pushing my mental state further and further down into the abyss. My moments of clarity shine through and I see how silly and trivial it all is, but then I slip right back into this farce of an existence afterwards. Life seems like a sick joke",Depression +26016,"I do not know what I did wrong. She never admits it but I know she does not care about me anymore. I do not know what to do, she was the one reason I had to live and now she is not there anymore. She knows how much it hurts for me and how suicidal I am and she just ignores me. I wish I was never born I had a friend but now I am all alone once again",Depression +26017,"I do not know what to do. 8 months ago, I was 147 pounds. Now I am 169. I am only 510, and I feel like I am about to lose it. I am going on a trip to see my family who is fairly toxic when it comes to weight and I am so fucking scared I already deal with body dysmorphia and I do not know what to do. I need to go from 170 to at least 150 or less in 3 weeks which means 6.67 pounds a week. How the fuck do I achieve something like that? Do I do less than 500 calories a day or something since you need 3500 calories burned to get rid of 1 pound of fat. And if my natural burn rate is 2000 calories a day and I eat 500, that is only 1500. So I need to burn 2000 more calories a day to achieve around a pound a day to keep my 6.67 pound a week loss.I am already dealing with really bad depression, which causes me to constantly overeat and binge because it makes me feel better, so now I need to control that to not get ridiculed by my fucking family. My mom looked so disappointed and disgusted when I told her I was 167. Now I am 2 pounds over that.I do not have any more therapy sessions left since my insurance will not cover any more for this year and I am spiraling.My family needs to deal with a slowly overweight depressed body dysmorphic closeted bitch and pretend like its fine. Fuck. I need to lose 20 pounds. I need to. I need to lose 20 pounds in 3 weeks and I am at a breaking point",Depression +26018,"I am a suicidal person at this stake and lately i have been really depressed so much that i just could not take it and i got desperate for happiness so instead of just end it all I am going to try this thing when you pretend that your happy til you do not haft to pretend anymore. I am going to pretend that everything is chill and okay and that I am already happy, I am going to pretend that i am not this anxious guy and i am very social and that i got my sight on the future. I do not care about any feelings from the inside i have simply put on an invisible mask on my face to pretend that I am someone else. And hopefully i will be happy that i did not off myself trying out this new thing",Depression +26019,"I hate this all. Its just so tiring and I want to stop feeling these ways. I wish I could just die, I am so tired. Everyday is just the same and its not getting easier",Suicidal +26020,"I am 23(m) and I have been dealing with depression since I was 14 (that was when I was diagnosed) and anxiety since I was 3 (separation anxiety from 3-8, social anxiety since)TLDR: Read the last large paragraph, I do not know how I can condense it more than thatWhen I was 3 my parents broke up, I was always close to my mum and to my dad I was more of an object to be owned than his son, but because he believed he deserved to have me he fought my mum for me. I know he did not care because I anytime I was with him I was put aside and never really interacted with and when I did not want to go with him he would pry my off a lamppost while I was crying and drag me to the car to take me to his house. All of this is what brought the first sembalances of my anxiety and low self esteem because if my own blood does not really love me then I took it as there was something wrong with me. And to top it off he cheated on my mum which is why they broke up and he did it before and after they were together with other women.After that my mum remarried and her next partner was fine at first but he changed when they had my younger brother. After that I was treated as a hindrance and due to the troubles of on going custody and court stuff my dad was causing during there relationship, my mum's partner saw me as my father's son and took out his frustrations on me in the first of gas lighting and mental abuse. This went on from when I was 5 till 17. He also mentally abused my mum and older sister but my little brother had an illness and my mum felt she had to stay for him. Only when he was older did she leave him and thus I was freed from his abuse.I also had an accident when I was 14 and fractured my hip, I could not walk on it at all for a year and could use partial weight only a year after that. That was the final straw for me and made me deeply depressed because the one place I could get away to was school and after not being there for months I felt alienated and alone. I am the end I just retreated to my room as that was the only place I had some semblance of safety left.All this is what has led to my deep rooted self hatred, low self worth, anxiety and depression. Since all of that all I have managed to do is idly spend my time retreating into games and barely really living. To top it all off the last 2 friends I had completely distanced themselves from me because of a difference of views and now I have no one but my mum and my siblings. Even my grandparents who always were there for me have dementia and cannot even remember me when they see me.I just feel so alone and that everyone will leave me one day And when they do there will be no reason left for me to live, even now I feel that it would be better if I just died now and saved the trouble of my family having to support me while I leech off their kindness. I do not want to be a burden but I feel so useless and I know how lazy I am and hate myself for it. I just do not know if there is a way out of the mess in my head and to live a life worth living.I am sorry if this has been extremely long and too much, I just wanted to say something somewhere to relieve the feeling built up inside 23(m) Just need to get how I feel off my chest as I have no one I can talk to",Depression +26021,"Hello everyone, I am a 16 year old from Romania and sadly ended up on the Internet looking for advice. I have been living with my father for good years of my life, my parents divorced because my dad is alcoholic and used to beat up my mother. After my mother left and sadly I cannot move to my mother due to a law order, my mother unfortunately cannot afford a lawyer to win me back. My father is a sex addicted man, I am writing this at 2 am while I hear moans from my room. He kicked me out of my room and moved me to sleep in the living room, now he brings a woman he met 3 days ago and has sex with her in my bed. He emotionally and physically abused me, I tried saving up some money for a therapist but he found them and spent all of them on alcohol. What could I do to feel a little lees disgusted that Ill soon have to sleep the bed he had sex on.Thank you for your time. Family issues",Suicidal +26022,"I have been dating this girl for a year and a half, talking about marriage, future homes, pets, children. She cheated on me and ever since then I have felt worthless. Like living breathing garbage. She was my light, my rock, the person I confided all of my deepest secrets and darkest thoughts with, and now its just... gone. All I can think about is how nice it would be to just not feel this pain anymore. No more waking up everyday going through the motions of being alone, working a 9-5 that I hate with a passion, and coming back to an empty house. The worst part of it is there is no escape from her. She works with me. Nothing in life feels right anymore, its all upside down and I am falling. What do I do? Recently cheated on",Suicidal +26023,"I am still here bc some people want me to be here. But they will not do shit to help. Just expect me to be alive and suddenly be well. They took away my copying mechanisms and left and when I feel like I am falling into the dark pit they just ignore me until I am fine again. Bc nobody wants to fucking deal with me, they just want me to be around bc I do not fucking know why. Bc its morally wrong to not care? Idfk I have been attending therapy for half a year and nothing fucking changed. Its even worse. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster of negative emotions and just cannot take it anymore. I am tired, I am so exhausted. This night is so exhausting I just want to kill myself so bad and stop this sinking feeling. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. I live for others not for myself and I fucking hate it",Suicidal +26024,"but I am scared.it would hurt so bad, but would it really hurt as bad as living life as i am?i felt like i tried; i gave it my all.my mind wants to die but my body wants to live. i want to do it right this time.",Suicidal +26025,"I have a DNR in place because I have a degenerative disease that makes me invalid. I have lived with depression all my life and this new disease is life's way of telling me my time is up since I had not been able to accomplish anything on my list before 40. With 8 months left until my last birthday I have been wondering about the DNR. If I fell into the ocean with weights on my ankles and a DNR bracelet; would my choice to end my life be respected or would someone ignore it and play G-d? I have other options, but that one has been on my mind of late. Would my choice be respected?",Depression +26026,"For more than a year I have felt so alone. I am at a point where I am living in a country I do not feel at home in (expat so I do not have a place I really consider home), have absolutely no one who I can connect with emotionally, in my first year of film school (my passion) and hating it to the point where everyday, the passion that kept me going and dreaming over the past decade is something that I have to fight to even hold on to.People pressure me to be more positive, but I do not know what I can even be grateful of. I have no friends, my family has turned spiteful to the point where I would leave if it were not for my financial dependency (I understand that is a privilege, but when the only positive thing I have is that I have the means to not starve, I do not see how I can be grateful). I always was hesitant of therapists, because I have always felt that being so alone you need to hire someone to listen to you is somewhat depressing, but I have still tried to find a good one. I found two so far, One of them seemed uncaring, the other lashed out at my negativity and told me that ""I did not want to change"".&#x200B;The truth is I want to chance, but how? I was already depressed before, but now that the only people who were ever there for me turned against me at the slightest hint of negativity, now that I am no longer a teen with a bright future, but a miserable teenager who is close to giving up on the dreams that was his only reason not to commit suicide over the years, now that I know that no one loves me, how am I supposed to be positive? I cannot ignore all my pain, or take pills that negate it, I do not want to pretend like my negativity is not there, I just want someone who can listen and is able to argue for why my life does have a purpose, someone who can understand all my suffering and see a light that I was blind to.(to clarify I am not against antidepressants, I tried zoloft and it made me feel worse. I just want to be convinced and shown that I have hope.) My depression and negative mindset has turned everyone against me and I feel completely alone",Depression +26027,"So my ex broke up with me and it has only been like 4 days since we broke up she texted me saying she misses me a lot and i told her i want to keep my distance from her and not talk to her because we are not together, she took it offensive and got mad when i said that then told me she hooked up with someone when we broke up and she ended up saying ""Good thing I am not pregnant to""Is there a reason why girls go sleep with multiple guys after a break up? Ex sent me this....",Depression +26028,"I get so depressed in the summer. When I am not working I cannot get out of bed. I want to sh to make the feelings stop, but I cannot because I do not want the person I am dating to see it. I have that black hole in my stomach again where every piece of me is crawling towards it. I curl up in a ball to make my stomach feel better. I feel self destructive and want to get off my antidepressants and see how bad it gets. I hate this, I hate me. Summer depression",Depression +26029,Is having the girl of your dreams being taken from under your nose a good reason to commit suicide? girl problems,Suicidal +26030,"Hello, I am celebrating my 25 birthday this week. I am in awe and have a loss for words.I did not know where to write or who to vent and I am not trying to take away from anyone , I am just contributing and sharing !I grew up lower middle class almost poor family , grew up in Canada. I was raised by 2 parents. Of which were not the greatest. I do not mean the type to say no tv after 9 or no sweets because they will rot your teeth kind. They were aggressive , always fighting manipulating each other. Being the oldest a lot of the hate and anger was directed towards me. My father beat me relentlessly and made me think I was never good enough , a failure , a mistake and etcMy mom had control in other ways. Due to the relentless bullying , I was suicidal at the age of 8, I was bullied at school too by close friends and then I went on for years not having friends and not having Anybody to talk to or confide in. My parents divorced and it got worse I was put in over 30k in debt helping support family while still trying to achieve higher education and work. I dealt with alot and it was never easy , then in 2016 my life took another huge turn I got into addiction in which I am fighting my way out but everyday is a struggle. I have been in a huge depression and financial ruin. I have panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. My life has been one bad thing after another and each time I trusted someone of shared myself with them I am always burned. I saw countless therapists and countless counsellor.I thought the only way to escape is drop everything and drive on the highway and keep driving and find a small town and settle down there and cut all communication with friends family and loved ones.Sad is not it I even started to delete all social media and just take myself off the grid It has not been easy ,I lost a family member and my dog who were both my rocks ! there is is not a day I do not think about themI find solitude in being alone and I started to do things alone that frightened me , going hiking alone , eating at restaurants alone , doing late night drives alone. I ve been pushing my boundaries and pushing my comfort zone to find true happiness or at least just find comfortI for sure thought Id never make it to 25 , I thought I was going to end it all before the age of 25. But here I am , call it faith , call it resilience but I am here.Thanks for taking the time to read did not think Id make it here",Suicidal +26031,"Hey guys, for a few years now I have been experiencing depression. Slowly it is getting worse, it has gone from being down for a while to extreme suicidal thoughts and constantly telling myself negative thoughts and a general feeling of not wanting to be here anymore. I drink almost every day, I take drugs (cocaine), which I know is making it worse but I do it because I do not care anymore. Mentally I have given up and I feel like my body is also giving up. I have put on a lot of weight, have a poor diet, and I am in a place where I feel I am just waiting to die. I have tried to reach out for help but I cannot seem to get it. (I live in England where mental health services are quite poor) I just thought Id reach out to someone who might see this and has been through the same thing, I do not know where to turn anymore. And the scariest thing is that I have now accepted death. To anyone who reads this Thankyou for taking the time Any advice?",Suicidal +26032,"I used to be a big pushover. I tried to grow a spine a bit. I think I still am a pushover just now a mean one. I try really hard to keep my friends happy. I try to do the things I see other people doing/what I would want. Texting them to see how they are, remembering details, inviting them to things, trying to find similarities, and it just never works.I have a hard time making and maintaining friendships. I wish I was not this way. I see so many people who do it so easily. I just either come across as needy/annoying or overly shy/quite. I have tried somewhere in the middle, and I just feel consistently empty. I am ALWAYS the first to reach out, find things to do. I do not really mind it, but for once, Id love someone to say OP, I saw this thing I think you would like it, want to go or OP, let us grab dinner Thursday. Its always me finding the things, me doing the asking, and it hurts. I am 24 years old and I just want it to be over. I cannot please everyone/anyone and its killing me",Suicidal +26033,"One of the big pieces of advice I see for depressed people online is to ""find a hobby"" or find something fulfilling. I can see how this would be a great piece of advice, if it actually worked for me. Any time I pick something new up, I kind of enjoy it, keep doing it for a few weeks (maybe even a month if I am lucky), get bored and then stop. Rinse and repeat, every goddamn time. I have tried the gym, running, tennis, football, joining a hell even playing video games I get bored of eventually. Maybe it is because of my depression, but I really struggle to find something I actually enjoy to the point of wanting to do it as much as possible over a long period of time. Most things that I find which I genuinely enjoy, my enjoyment/determination fizzles out after a few weeks to the point where my effort put in outweighs my enjoyment so I just stop. How do people find things they enjoy and actually want to stick with it for a long period of time??Anyone have any advice? How the fuck do people find things they actually like and stick with it??",Depression +26034,Shame wins I know if I did it I would be hurting those who love me the most and that only makes me feel more guilty,Suicidal +26035,"I cannot feel anything since 2016 and it is getting worse and worse. Over the years I lost the little joy I had in life, then I would not be sad or angry anymore. It feels like I am an empty she will that is just there if people need something and I happen to be around.I am thinking about to kill myself every 2nd day, but the only thing that is holding me back is that my brother would be devastated and I could not do it.I tried to get help, but every therapist I try to get in contact with, says that they are full and I should try it somewhere else. I am just sharing this to get it of my chest, I do not have any friends to talk about this and and nobody in my family is listening to me.And BTW sorry for my bad English. I am 20(m) and I am do sick an tired of everything",Depression +26036,I cannot rely on family. I cannot rely on friends. I am all alone in this. I cannot do it anymore. The only thing that remotely helps me cope is alcohol. I have always been such a calm and loving person but recently my family and friends have made me so mad I just want to scream and beat someone to a pulp. That feeling scares me because I have always been so loving and now I have this anger and frustration that I feel is eating me from the inside out. So I try to deal with it by drinking better to hurt myself and my liver than other people Everyone is unreliable,Depression +26037,they are supposed to help sick people. not having training for trauma or certain diagnosis is not a good excuse. the profession is sick. therapists should not be able to reject you,Suicidal +26038,"i have blocked everyone that ever cared about me so that they cannot talk to me. they will stop caring about it in a few days, then when this month is over i will kill myself by jumping off of a bridge with a backpack full of rocks to weigh me down. no one is going to stop me no one will love me therefore i am going to end it all at the end of this month",Suicidal +26039,"I am not vegan at all but I have been thinking about this for a while, how we just eat other creatures. Imagine if aliens came to earth and were absolutely horrified to see us all eating each other with 0 thought or remorse, and despite not even needing to. We seriously measure an animals worth by how intelligent they are and we think were better than them and worthy of killing and eating them because we were born more intelligent. If I suggested eating a human people would be disgusted but I do not understand how its any different. If a cow or a pig is food then that means were also just food. The reality is that there is 0 difference. The only difference is the lack of empathy we have for animals compared to other humans because were selfish and ignorant as fuck as long as it benefits us. Were destroying the planet and killing off many species and we still continue to think we are the best because were somewhat intelligent. If there was an animal bigger and more intelligant than us, and they wanted to eat us, we would not like that. We would beg them for mercy and that is what these animals would do to but they cannot speak for themselves and literally do not know any better. But we sentence millions of animals to that when they are just existing and trying to enjoy life.I just think there is a lot about the world that is so fucked up but nobody sees it. I feel like I see the world for how it really is",Depression +26040,Last night I could not sleep ... the moment I laied down on my bed I felt my wrist aching it is like a blade was running over my inner wrist I do not know if it make any sense but I have never done self harm but still somehow I could feel the blade running over my wrist (I considered self harm but never act on it)I am not depressed.. I do not think I have depression and it is strange that I am on my summer holiday so I cannot see what is the stressor? I am afraid because I have been imagining cutting my wrist and bleed slowly to death but this is new to me the feeling on my wrist Help me... please I feel aching in my wrist,Suicidal +26041,If someone would be willing to chat with me I would really appreciate it Closer to suicide than I have ever been before,Suicidal +26042,Basically yeah. Every relationship I have had has ended because I was not always sexual. I feel like its a momentary thing that does not need to happen all the time. Opinions ? Or am I just a flawed human. Females do not like me because I do not enjoy being sexual 24/7,Depression +26043,"I have been depressed for over two years but it is only in the past few months that I have been getting these awful bouts of crying and anxiety and today I am bursting into tears at literally anything. Washing the dishes? Time to sob. Folding the laundry? Time to sob. Studying? Time to sob. Sharing a meme with a friend? Time to sob. it is unbearable. it is been over six hours and I cannot stop. My eyes are sore. I doubled my dose of antidepressants just to see if it would make me feel any better and it did not. Nothing makes me feel even remotely good, not my girlfriend, not my hobbies, not my favorite food, not alcohol, absolutely nothing. it is either numbness or this agony that makes me want to crawl out of my body and never come back. Soon enough there will be no excuse for my inactivity, no pandemic, no stone in my path, and I will have to tell my family I dropped out of college and kept it a secret, and that I tried to get a job even at the shittiest fast food chains and I got nothing back, that I am use to no one, that I promised myself to study to get into a new major but have not properly touched my studying materials in weeks. I am tired and sick and I do not see any way out. I do not know what to do. Most days I want to die. I cannot stop crying.",Suicidal +26044,"So, I (27m)live alone in a foreign country, have been for the past 6 years.Family and girlfriend are both back home, have not seen them since Christmas 2019 thanks to Rona. Life is pretty much a broken record stuck on repeat, wake up, go to work, get home, eat/play games/read, go to sleep. Every time I try to do something new I get bored after a couple of hours/day, a shitton of unfinished stuff, have not properly taken care of the apartment for weeks, cleaning up only when it gets indecent, started smoking occasionally again after quitting a couple of years back.Literally the only thing keeping me going until now are the couple of weeks every 4-6 months when I get to se my family and gf and this past year has been destructive for my mental health. I know I should see a therapist but I cannot bring myself to do it, the lack of interest and will to do stuff extends to that as well.I should probably sleep (its 1am here and I have to get up in 4 hours or so) so if you comment Ill try ti reply in the morning. Have a nice day/evening/night Can I rant a bit?",Depression +26045,"Sorry no pics just venting I measure my shitty pupillary distance everyday (64mm) I thinkMy head looks like a potato basically, I literally got confused for a fucking girl at a restaurant a few weeks ago. On top of that I am gaslit into thinking I am good looking because I was a cute baby. Well, watch what happens when your cute kid has a diet of gogurts and no exercise, and braces. (Hint: he will not be cute anymore and he will hate himself forever)Lmfao my existence was a fucking mistake. I know I sound insane, rambling, but imagine retching when you look at your ugly mug in the mirrorNever had a girlfriend in my life KHHV at 19 Somehow as I grew up my eyes got closer together? Haha",Suicidal +26046,"To this day i still do not understand how people see the benefit in life. From my view it has been more or a burden and a chore than anything else. With nothing to look foward to. No hobbies, goals, passions, etc. It seems most people are born just to be used and then die. Seems like a shit trade to me. 28 years and nothing to show for it. Life is a joke. Never had a passion, never will apparently.",Depression +26047,"Have you ever been told something like that?, i want to hear stories and share mine. ""Do you want to attract attention or what?""",Depression +26048,"I wish you could read this but I know you would not. Because I cannot give it to you. I sit here tonight with tears in my eyes thinking about my life. I do not even know where to begin. My mental health is fucked up. If I see a genie, Ill probably have just one wish To die. And rest. In peace. And maybe make it to heaven if it does exist. So I guess this is it. I just wanted to say for all the times I kept mute when you spoke to me, for all the times it seems I get mad at simple questions you asked that I should just give a straight answer but instead it seems like I am mad at you for asking. For all the times I make you think is he going to get mad at this before you ask me your loving motherly questions, I AM SORRY. I am truly sorry. I know it keeps happening even though I wish it does not. I wish I could talk to you like a loving son would talk to his loving mother. I wish I could answer your loving question which are questions you ask to ensure I get the best out of everything. I wish everything can be normal but it is not. I am not normal. My brain is fucked. Depression has eaten the shit out of me. It feels like I have lost the ability to take any joy in life. The reason why it seems as though I am mad is because I am so fucked everything triggers me. You ask about my school; there was once a time the word school triggers me. When you ask, I wish I could tell you but instead I fall into depression. You talk about my sisters, I have a panic attack. My uncle or sisters calls your number I have a panic attack. I wish I could just experience peace. I have been abused for all my childhood and most of my teens. I still suffer from these. I have vivid nightmares and flashbacks. You have seen me wake up crying a couple of times. Sometimes when we share the bed, I kick you in the middle of my sleep. I am sorry for this too. Its my nightmares. I am been tortured in my dreams. My abuse are fresh in my memories that my dreams are as though its happening again. I wish I could explain to you all and you would understand. I do not just chose to be in bed all day, moody, sad, and listen to sad song. I do not choose to be this way nor do I like the way I am. For all the times I was called lazy, I was not lazy. I was dieing a death that eats you up slowly. For all he questions you ask which have triggered me every single time. For the once you asked today that fell on deaf ears followed by a long silence or an odd answer, For all the ones you will ask tomorrow and the next, I wish I could answer them all. I am sorry you have to feel this way. Trying your best not to hurt me, trying your best to see me happy. But all I do is let my depression eat me away like a vulture feeding on its carcass. I wish I could be genuinely happy but at this point, all I want to do is rest. I want to experience peace. The kind of peace I do not have to worry about any single thing. The kind of peace you do not have to worry about me. The kind of peace where I cease to exist. Yeah I have big dreams, but it would not matter when I rest. I tried to kill myself unsuccessfully and I am afraid it might happen again this time successfully but why do I fear? This is what I have wanted when I spent years practicing with the knife, when I swallowed the pills and watch you watch me in pain as I puke my gut out, when I started learning to tie a noose, when I did lots of reasearch on the most painless way to go. Though there are things you do that hurts. Like you saying I did things I did not do or using my name to get money from family members. I have said it several times to you that I wish I was never born. I told you once out of frustration that you should kill me. That I did not ask to be born. I have never told you, but despite my life full of abuse, deep down you are my mom and I do love you just as a child loves its mother. Sometimes I have this feeling inside that I just have a few more years before I finally end my life in college studying the course you all want me to study When I actually want something else. I guess that is it. I have nothing else to say than what you have heard me say before; I wish I was not born. To my mom,",Suicidal +26049,"Guys, I am really confused. I have struggled with this disease for over 15 years and I still do not understand it. I just had the best, happiest weekend I have had in the past three years and I really felt like nobody could break my happiness. Last week I forgot about a doctor's appointment I had and I just realised. I am a woman in her mid twenties who cries about an appointment. I just do not get it. A few hours ago I really had the feeling that it is getting better. I just had the best two days I have had in years and now I am crying because I forgot about an appointment.",Depression +26050,I cannot cut myself or shoot myself or hang myself or smother myself. I am a coward. I am a pussycat. But I cannot do this any more. I do not have access to opiates but I wish I did. Just get high and bliss out. Stop feeling. Stop thinking. Stop breathing. And its done. I want to use drugs until I stop breathing,Suicidal +26051,"Hello everyone. I am just here to let my feeling out. These past few days I have been feeling gloomy and sad. I have lost my appetite and I find myself sleeping and feeling sleepy even though i just woke up. I do not really understand myself these past few days. Everything is fine but I feel like there is something wrong and I cannot pin point what is wrong. I really do not know what to do. I feel lost, I feel drained, I feel empty. PS. I am so sorry if you cannot understand me, my thoughts are everywhere. I just want to vent everything out. Empty",Depression +26052,I fucked everything between me and her. Ill probably end it tonight. So this is a possible goodbye. I fucked up.,Suicidal +26053,"I feel like I have always been just on the edge of depression. Like I was never quite there but sometimes Id get waves when times are hard. Lately things had been so much easier because I met someone and it was someone I could always rely on who I trusted and I thought they were just like my person. They were not someone Id typically go for but it just felt like we fit together. They made every day better. They were my rock. And then I found out the whole time he was just using me, he would been seeing other people. And now I cannot breathe and my whole world is just so much worse. Everything that I felt like I could cope with before I just cannot now.I do not know what to do. All people are like this. My whole world is crashing down and I cannot handle it anymore. Lost my rock",Depression +26054,"Anyone else felt like death is around the corner? Been feeling this all my life like I am going to die soon. Can remember I used to think about death from a very young age, before I even really knew about death If that makes sense. I have been stuck somewhere in the middle of desperately wanting to die, and wanting to live. I do not want to go out by killing myself, but I want it to happen by accident like a car crash. Also prayed to God a lot that I can switch places with someone that has cancer. Just a lil vent, I know some of you all feel me. Stay up. Death Around The Corner",Suicidal +26055,I do not deserve to be given life privilege what the fuck am i doing with myself,Depression +26056,Its funny how some of use are the victims and some of us are the monster but we all go to the same place wering maks and hiding who is sick predator and who is a beaten pray. I cannot stop smiling everitime I think about this. Do we even deserve help? I am dieing from laughter,Suicidal +26057,"And what is fucked about it all, is I never wanted any of this. However, now that its all I have, it being taken away is too much for me to deal with. I have by or grapefruit juice and a fuck ton of pills. I plan on going to sleep tonight and never waking up. I have always thought about killing myself, but now I am finally going to. Thanks for reading. My entire life is going to be ripped away from me",Suicidal +26058,"Recently I have been getting less and less depressed, but for some reason the further I get the more guilt I feel knowing there are people still stuck where I was and it is like I have just left them behind. I know first hand how absolutely horrendous depression can be and yet I cannot do anything about it. And I am scared ill forget what it felt like and end up stuck at square one, or worse yet I will turn into one of those people who just do not understand what it does to people I feel guilty",Depression +26059,"It feels like life has a serious bone to pick with me... I have not had the best of childhoods, so I am high on cPTSD, but not only that... It seems anything I try to do ends up hurting me or like it is the wrong decision. Like... I cannot do anything right. Do you know the feeling, where on top of big things, small issues happen daily, so in the end it feels like much more of a big deal than it is? I am just done... I barely survived my last depressive episode and I try so hard to keep myself afloat. But it is like I am trying to climb out of a hole, just so I can step and fall in the next one. Today my dog hurt his hip. it is a 9 year old dog and honestly, lately I have been thinking about how he is the one thing I cannot bare to lose and I am so scared. The vet said he needs surgery as soon as possible, but in a specific town, because in our country there are no good vets anywhere. I have to drive him there tomorrow and I do not even know if I can get an appointment. Not only that, but I am so tight on money, I am barely getting by and this surgery is going to cost more than I have in my bank account... I also have to pay toll and gas, I have no idea how I am going to manage to do all of that. There are no installment payments and I cannot just take out a loan here. I have no one to ask, except for my mum and she also probably will say no. I got so dizzy hearing the diagnosis, that I got an anxiety attack and had to leave the clinic to cool down. My mom acted like I was super ungrateful to her, because I left her with the doctor and the dog until I could catch my breath. Fuck... I seriously do not know what to do. he is the only buddy I have had with me for the last 9 years. I feel so worthless I am done, honestly",Depression +26060,"There are too many things that I want to get out of my interior, I have been here for a couple of days reading some things, I am from Mxico and the truth is I am sick of many things, I am 21 years old, in a week is my birthday, but I have been feeling like shit for several months, I have problems at school, I do not feel like doing anything, my girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago, I have no desire for anything, every day I wish I could wake up dead, I have thought of several ways to do it but I cannot find the right way, it is not the first time I try it but at the same time I am afraid to do it, it is funny because I am afraid of the pain it is going to because me.About a year ago I had a car accident where I came out unharmed and maybe since that moment I feel that something is not right in what happened, I feel that I died that day and everything that has happened since then is a mere illusion.&#x200B;Translated with [ (free version) dead inside",Suicidal +26061,Tbh I am getting exhausted from people in my life constantly hurting me. I am so scared of meeting new people now that I know the anxiety just ruins any chance of meeting someone fun. I do not see a point in wanting to continue tbh. Its been a while since my last attempt but I am pretty close to trying it again and idk if there is anything left to stop me this time. I am tired of people hurting me and I want to just go,Suicidal +26062,I am 15 and play guitar and have not for like 4 years and I have slowly built up confidence over the years so i can play in front of people and this summer my mam will probably have loads of parties and get drunk with her friends and I am normally there and I normally drink and a lot more than she knows and I normally mix alcohol and meds to get high basically and this summer I am going to perform in front of like 15 people and I am going to get drunk every day and I am going to destroy shit and abuse the shit out if my body and hopefully by the end of the summer i will have killed myself one way or another I just want to vent sort of,Depression +26063,"I am 17 now. and i do not want to hit 18. If i reach 18 at this weight, looking like this, with no friends, having never had a job, and never even having my first kiss then i will be so embarrassed.I am done living, at this point its clear that i was destined for suicide.. Some people are destined to get married, be a parent or become a successful adult like a doctor. I however, was destined to kill myself.I have contemplated doing this for practically my entire life, i was bullied the moment i walked into year one (second grade) and i have not had one year of my life of being bully free and its because I am fat, ugly & worthless.Mummy, i love you. you are my best friend and i will miss you so much. It might hurt at first knowing that I am not here anymore but after a few days you will realise that i was only a burden.Daddy, i love you. you are also my best friend and despite how silly you are you have always been amazing, i was always a daddys girl but it did not fix how nasty i was to you and mum. I am nasty and horrible and i know you blame it on my depression but I am clearly just a nasty person.Brother, (no name for privacy) you are my best friend. even though you act like you do not i know you love me, i know you will miss me & i know you always have tried to protect me. I remember my first ever suicidal thought/semi attempt was interrupted when you ran up 2 flights of stairs and nearly broke my door trying to get to me. You listened to me for HOURS trying to help me whilst i was crying like a maniac. I love you and I am sorry that you cannot help me this time. this is it.",Suicidal +26064,"I am done with my life. I am divorced over a year. No kids and my other friends are married or getting married now. My best friend has a child and while I act all fine and happy around them, when I have a moment to myself, I simply think about how worthless my life is. A life without marriage and children is no life at all. I confided in my best friend and told him how I felt. He disagreed with me and told me that my life is not worthless, to which I agreed in saying that maybe not, but it is certainly worth less than yours. To me being single without children means that no one actually gives a damn about my life. It is absolutely 100% expendable. To me being single and childless means there is no purpose to my life. It in essence is worthless and shameful to exist as I am. Worst of all it is shameful to me. Eventually I will drift away and become nothing to anyone. A distant memory and after that even less than a memory. I cannot wait for my sword to arrive at my place. Although I am not sure I will have the courage to use it on myself. I am sick of existing for other peoples convenience. If all my purpose is to exist so I do not make a few people acutely sad for a few hours, then I do not want to exist at all. Worthless life",Suicidal +26065,I literally cannot kill myself because my parents are always in the house. there is only small amounts of time when they are not there and every time I try but they always get back. If I was an adult and had my own place I could have done if by now. cannot fucking do this anymore. If I was an adult I would be dead,Suicidal +26066,"I am living a double life once again. This time I am simultaneously walking and working towards a bright new future and towards death. I am succeeding too well. Everyone close to me thinks I am heading to a new place and studies while i am giving up everything with the intention of killing myself when it is all finished. it is too late to seek help i know that and even if i would do that it would only complete the things i need to give up before dying. So there is nothing that could be done. I know I am fooling everyone, i have done this before and can do it again. I have no control over this anymore either, everything just goes on on it is own and i watch it happen. it is like i went over some limit and now cannot help it anymore. Double life",Suicidal +26067,I recently found out I have BPD and all the horrible things I read about us is making me think that the world would be a better place without me.I just ruin everything and everyone. it is like watching someone else destroy your life.I am afraid to let people close and hurt them so instead I hurt myself.I almost jumped out my window a few times the past month.Even my mom told me she should not have had me when I told her I was depressed.I am sick of feeling my feelings is so exhausting I just want to make it stop. I wish I was dead,Suicidal +26068,"Anyone able to advise on these feelings of apathy at all? I think that is the correct term.I struggle to want to do stuff (house stuff, walk dogs, go outside at all, play games) and it is got worse over lockdown I know and I am still WFH and not going out at all and not seen or spoken to my mates in a long time. Everyday I struggle to find joy - I drift from one week to the next just working and realise that April was three months ago and I have done *nothing*I have gained weight, spent money on shit I do not need and not achieved anything at all in the last two, three, five years, ten years. I am only 31 and know that it is not always going to be like this but I am struggling to find joy in things and things feel dull. I am not on any meds and sure as hell know there is people out there with more pressing issues and health so I feel like I am wasting your time if your reading this. I am not poor (but also not well off, I have some money as a cushion) my physical health is adequate, I do not smoke, do not drink, do not do drugs feel like I am just really boring and my mind's just *off*I dunno, maybe I am just more aware of my mind now and maybe this is normal. Feelings of Apathy",Depression +26069,"Ok so I have always thought that death could happen randomly car crash, brain aneurysm etc. So me for being 20 and coming from a family who has worked 24/7 I wrote a will to who would get my bitcoin fortune, aswell as instructions on how to access my private keys. If I did not write this then my $50k+ would be trapped on a usb for eternity if I died. But my mother is crying saying you are in a dark place. I do not know how to reassure her. I have thought of suicide 100+ times but I have never even thought abt cutting or actually attempting. How do I reassure her. Parents found my suicide note",Depression +26070,I do not know what to do to fix it. I try to make everyone happy and stay out of the way but I always find a way to fuck things up. I just do not know what to fucking do anymore. I do not know what to do. I am just too selfish,Suicidal +26071,"Past few months, I have been feeling like really shit! I do not know why. I have a good job, of course working a bit too much due to the nature of the job. Making good money. But I do not know what it is, I just feel like shit all the time. Every morning, Id take a shower, feel good for about 30 mins or so, and then back to feeling like shit. I thought burning out at work is the reason of me feeling this way. I took a week off from work thinking Id be back refreshed. But it did not help, instead all I did was stay home and watch tv. Going to the gym feel like a chore to me, getting groceries feels like a pain. Running errands take a lot of energy out of me. I do not know what I am trying to say, I am just tired. Feeling like shit",Depression +26072,"Hey everyone. Struggling for awhile and been a lurker, but things have been rough lately. I figured Id take a chance and see if you all can help. I am wanting to know if it is possible to save an entire text thread where it shows who sent the messages. My mom just died and I want to save our conversation so I can read it when I am missing her. I know I can select individual messages but Id love to be able to see where the message came from her. I could not find anything online and I was just hoping someone may have had this issue before. Thanks in advance. Mom died in tragic accident recently.",Depression +26073,"Hello everyone. I am actually 17 and I have a depression since 3-4 months or more I do not really know. I take medication to fight it because my psychiatrist said I must take it but I do not feel better, even with it.Because of an event in my childhood I cannot trust anyone today, family or friends. To me everyone is a liar, a hypocrite and they will abandon me one day, I will be alone.Since this weekend I feel getting angry, and it is getting worse everyday. I am sacred because I do not know if I will become a danger for people. I do not know...I do not know if one day I will be cure for my depression and have a happy life. I started a psychotherapy but I still do not know if I will be better.Is it normal to feel like this ? (Sorry for the bad English I am french and it does not help) I do not know",Depression +26074,"So I was in my family's basement chillin' and when I walk back upstairs to cook some food I see we are running low on food. So I ask my mom if we could get more groceries, she says ""NO, YOU HAVE TO START WORKING AROUND THE HOUSE BEFORE I DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!"" Even though I do all the chores she tells me to, so I decide I would cook myself some pizza and told my mom that I would done all my chores. But when my mom heard that she started angrily walking toward the kitchen, and at that point I knew I was done for. So when she got to me she punched me in the faced, grabbed me by the hair threw me to the floor and grabbed the pizza ""including the pan"" and threw that on the floor and continued to yell at me. What should I do? I am to scared to stand up to her... pls help me",Depression +26075,"Hello hello ,can anyone hear me I need help. Iam falling falling falling,I have landed on a platform,Looking up at where I was,Looking down at where I might end up,Hello hello,is anyone out there I need help I do not know how to get back up. Is that you I here in the darkness? Why want you come out and help me, I want hurt you. I only need your help. Come on if you help me. we both get out of here quickerHello helloPlease talk to me I just need help please. I will give you anything. Please help me. Some short stories of my mental health issues at different times in my life",Depression +26076,"Living is undignifiedBy assuming my role in this dysfunctional body I am vouching for it. I will never be viewed as anything other than my physical self: the part of me I cannot change. We attribute our whole existence to our bodies because we are conditioned to believe that is our entire being. Consequently, we feel like there is no escape.To survive the nightmare you must become it. To be successful, I will have to compromise who I am. I do not want to be stoic or assertive. I want to be kind and charitable. People have walked all over me my entire life.By living in this society(United States) and contributing to it, I am perpetuating a system I do not agree with. I cannot live with being part of the problem.Eventually we become feeble and useless. We trade our best years to sustain ourselves so we can reach that point. We convince ourselves that the struggle is the reward to address our cognitive dissonance after wasting our lives. We are all knowingly working towards a dead-end.How can I live this life fully cognizant of the undue suffering I am inflicting on my spirit? My soul deserves better",Suicidal +26077,"I cannot even put it in to words how I feel because 1. I am no good with words and 2. I do not understand my feelings. I cannot seem to relate the feeling to anything else that I have felt, its a distinct feeling. Almost like a total change in my senses, my outlook on life. Its an overwhelming sensation that makes me feel dead in the inside, a horrible groggy feeling. I read into peoples behaviour and I am disgusted by it. I see how selfish humans are and I wonder why no one can see I am in pain. I think people do not really care or want to understand how I feel. I think I am selfish for being this way. I think that I am a liar when I am not in that state of mind and struggle to believe my suicidal feelings. Describe how you feel when you are suicidal.",Suicidal +26078,"TW: Suicide, maybe eating problems & body issuesI'm not attractive but I feel the need to become attractive. Although I appear quite nonchalant to people (easiest way to hide my anxiety), I have tried eating and vomiting to lose weight but that did not work in the slightest for me, I changed my hair to look better and I plan to get quite a few cosmetic surgeries in the future. In my eyes, I feel like as a Black young adult, no one ever sees me as approachable or relatable. Most first assumptions are that I am the Big, intimidating, rude kid. I did not ask to be me, I did not ask to look like this or be tall or be unattractive. I feel like for every fashion aesthetic I have tried to feel less of an outsider I feel like a poser. Furthermore, I hate my body since my body proportions mean that I cannot fit into a lot of clothes. But there is no one to vent to. I took it upon myself to get a referral to counselling and I am currently on Anti-depressants. And no matter how much my situation improves, I still feel shitty inside. I recently had a whole day where I just cried non-stop and every time I would calm down, the tiniest negative thought would bring me back to crying. Even now, I do not cry i.e. with tears, but I feel like I am breaking down and become restless.I find that I try to relate to fictional characters, music etc. I recently saw Scott Pilgrim V. The World, and I rooted for that lifestyle/aesthetic such as his sarcastic friends and his whole love triangle situation. And I will daydream, wishing that I could have such a life, rather than being bitch of a giant.I feel like no one can accept my vulnerablity. I tried to cut myself to show my classmates so they would leave me alone, but I did not have the courage to and my mum later saw it and made fun of me and compared me to a teen white girl. I want to lose weight so I seem less of a giant. I remember being younger and being seen as cute and that was genuinely one of the best feelings, because of the security I had, the fact that I was allowed to be vulnerable and cared for. But now, I feel like an outsider, an embarrassment. I continue to help myself, because realistically I would be seen as selfish if I killed myself (Also, I would hate for people who give me shit everyday to claim they cared about me and I do not think I should kill myself over other people) but deep down, I feel like this everyday. I do not want to be me. Can someone give any advice/support on my situation?",Suicidal +26079,"hi all <3i have brain damage and it makes me want to die. i used to be a really good writer. I went to school for it. i got close to being published a couple times. then a horrible combination of alcoholism, anorexia, and some concussions really fucked me up. had an mri about a year ago and was told that my brain was much further away from my skull than it is supposed to be at my age, meaning that it was shrinking--which is p typical for ppl with eating disorders and substance abuse problems, but it had happened very quickly in my case.i had in fact been having auditory and even visual hallucinations occasionally, but i chalked it up to \~\*\~The Fear\~\*\~ as they call it lolanyway. i quit drinking (alone and cold-turkey LMAO--i do NOT recommend XD), and I have been eating pretty normally, but over a year out from my last concussion, i still cannot focus well enough to read or write much of anything. every time i try now, it just ends with me crying because i just cannot /think/.I have been trying to fill the hole where all my passion for writing used to go with volunteer work and stuff. i even quit my job and went back to school in pursuit of a whole new career. but it does not change the fact that i feel completely useless when it comes to the one thing i care about /just for myself/ and not because i care about other people.i know it sounds so stupid, but i feel like I am burnt out already, and I am not even thirty. I am afraid that it is only going to get worse as i get older. I am already totally incapable of remembering where i parked my car without writing it down lmfao and i cannot get anywhere without a GPS even though I have lived in this city for years. what is next? when am i going to start forgetting people???i do not know. I am too scared to make a doctor's appointment. i think I would rather die than go senile by the time I am forty lmfao. that is all. i do not know. i just want my fucking brain back, but it is basically the one thing in your body that does not regenerate lol. I will never be the same, and i do not think I will ever really be able to write again. I am pretty sure even this post probably makes no sense.I am not going to kill myself /right now/ or anything. I have just found it really hard lately to motivate myself \~back into the swing of things\~ when i feel like... i do not know, i feel like my former reason for living is just gone.i guess i just have to live my life in a more physical way now. i can be an extra set of hands for an organization. i can cook. i can exercise. i just cannot be the same person i was anymore. and that deeply, deeply upsets me.if i had more courage, i WOULD kill myself right now because i do not feel like myself anymore anyway. that is all. ~",Suicidal +26080,Or anything else that would make me feel and possibly maybe wake me up from this cycle How deep a cut has to go for me to just pass-out?,Suicidal +26081,"I am so depressed there is heavy bags under my eyes. Every inch of my body is aching. I keep having frequent heart palpitations. I am so lonely beyond belief. I have been consistently rejected and ridiculed. I am not even ugly. I do not want therapy, I do not want medication I want socialization. I live in the only province left locked down in north America. Someone please just notice me.",Depression +26082,"I have been very depressed for quite some time now. My daughter is autistic and I never feel like I am doing enough for her. I have been bullied all of my life and do not have any friends. I cannot date due to how my daughter is and because I only attract abusive men. I have gained a bunch of weight and my looks have gone down the drain. I am also just not very smart and I have never been talented at anything (even my own mom cannot come up witanything that I am good at, other than being a mom). I have been wallowing for a long time over these things and it is been exhausting.For the past week, though, I have been thinking about how the only one that matters is whether I am doing enough for my daughter or not. I have only been selfish by worrying about whether I have friends, romance, looks and talent. It finally dawned on me that my purpose in life is to love and care for my daughter and to only strive for things that will directly benefit her. This is actually helping me to become more focused on my goals, and I am actually looking into going back to school so that I can get a better job (purely to benefit her, not for my own enjoyment). I am also trying to be physically healthier, but this time it is so that I can be healthier for my daughter, not so that I can look attractive or for any other selfish reasons. Anytime I feel a bit down about any of these things, I redirect my thoughts away from myself and towards my daughter. I am finding that I am slowly but surely thinking about myself less and less, because I no longer matter to myself. I do find that I am a bit nervous to go back to school because, like I said earlier, I am not all that smart. Hopefully I can find a course that will work for me.Moral of my story is that the only thing that matters to me is my daughter and that I do not need any of those other things that apparently contribute to happiness. I have stopped caring about myself, and I actually feel a bit better for it.",Depression +26083,"Hello, on Saturday my grandma was diagnosed with chronic depression, she is 79 years old and on July 17 she is turning 80 soon. I would appreciate some recommendations what I should do to make her feel more special, considering In our family we are not so affective with each other, even me sometimes I consider that I have depression because I am always feeling down and not feel motivated at all, life is so pointless to me but I do not want this for my grandma is so hurtful to see her in a bad mood. Honestly I would appreciate it and thanks Ill try my best for her even when I feel my energy is drained :( My grandmother has depression",Depression +26084,"Hey all, I am creating my depression playlist lol. What songs do you all listen to on repeat? Also, fuck depression. what is the song you listen on loop?",Depression +26085,"I have been staring at my box of antidepressants and thinking about overdosing I am so tired so very tired, life is not going anywhere and my doctor does not listen to me no one listens.. no one cares the only reason I have not offed myself is so my dad will not find me, i do not want him to see me like that... thus I am thinking about running into a forest with my pills and overdose. I am so tired so so so so so so so so tired, what is the point of even trying anymore tired tired",Suicidal +26086,"bad people can like the same things as you. do not let that deceive you into thinking they are your friends or allies. for example, just because i like pizza, i should realize that someone else who likes pizza could also be a racist, trash human. hope this makes sense to anyone else. Learned a painful lesson today and thought I would share it here:",Depression +26087,I lost so much in such a short amount of timeMy parents are so stubborn and ignorant I lost the love of my life who I have been with for 3 yearsLife is a messNothing brings me much joy anymoreIm thinking about ending it once and for all I have tried finding new love but people have looked at me and call me uglyPeople ghosting meIts quite clear that God made me to be a wretched imperfect smudge on earth meant to be miserable Everything is horrible,Suicidal +26088,"I want to be loved. And not romantic love exclusively, because even platonic love is enough..But I just crave love.I have friends and family who care for me, but none in the way that I care for them.What I mean by this, is no one actively invests time and love into our relationship. Its passive and conditional.I guess what I yearn for then is a warm and considerate kind of love. Something I like to think I offer to everyone in my life. As best I can anyway.I put in the work to make friends, to be a better person (thoughtful, considerate, kind and patient), but rarely does it ever seem reciprocated.Not that I do these things solely to have something in return, but it would be nice to be the one cared for for onceTo be supported and thought of, to have someone go out of their way for me because they see me as worth their time and efforts. To be held and just kept company when I express any form of melancholy.The unconditional kind of love that makes you feel less alone, that you comfortably give in return because.. well what is life without loving. I do not know. Its something that should not be so difficult to find in another person, but it is. And the seemingly endless trek of it is exhausting.Id almost rather seek it in the next life. Will I be alone forever?",Suicidal +26089,"I am stuck. it is so frustrating.I know there is a way to make me feel better. I known I am capable of doing things. Then why cannot I do it? I am just here, procrastinating, wasting my time. it is been months, years even. I just cannot do stuff. I cannot get up and do crap. Am I lazy? Am I arrogant? I am angry at myself, I am so unhappy. There is so much goals I know I can reach that would make me so happy but I just do not. I do not understand what is going on in my own head. I feel stuck in my body and I see the days pass and I am doing nothing. I feel helpless, useless. I am so angry at myself. I feel so alone. I feel so highly of myself but I accomplish nothing. I used to make stuff that made myself proud but then I stopped. it is so stupid???? I want to do things for me. I want to do things that are for my own benefit. I want to put effort into achieving stuff so why??? Is it selfish? Is it ok to want that? I want to be a good person and a stable person and I want to be busy and healthy but right now I am just a dead weight. I am so angry I know what I need to do and what I want to do but I cannot.",Depression +26090,"Been having suicidal thounghts since I was 10, I am 24. Was able to use work to distract me from thoughts but last December I had a work place injury that caused me to have seizures and chronic migraines. Had to move back in with my dad and nephew because I coupdnt drive to get groceries or make appointments. For 6 months workers comp kept postponing a neurological visit while I watched the medical bill pile climb. Finally saw a Dr who was 2 hrs 30min away and after 2 visits lasting 15 min each, he said it was stress related. Workers comp dropped me like a sack of potatoes and said good luck. 1 month later and still having episodes without any sign of a trigger. Memory is getting worse, was not able to remember nephews name and after dad got back from a week long trip I did not recognize his face. Tried getting CBT but cannot afford it. Going to online school to keep mind occupied but will fall asleep for 24-36 hrs after a 6hr course day. Tried using free therapy but cops showed up to house to take me to ER after telling Dr over phone that idealizition was getting to point I was having visions of doing it and waking up confused when I was still at my computer desk. Overheard nephew telling people all I do is sleep and that he does not like that I lived with him. Dad stopped having genuine conversations with me after talking to the cops. Last thing he said was I should not put him through lossing a son. Now when I talk to him it seems like he is annoyed or wants me to figure out how to be happy. Other family members or friends have told me to get over it after telling them what the Dr told me. I have tried telling myself that I am having the seizures on purpose for attention and that I have tricked myself into believing they are real. When I end up sleeping for entire day or two, I have been telling myself its because I am a leech wanting people to feel bad for me. I want to go back to work but I am super nervous about trying to explain that I have stress induced seizures that because me to have partial awareness and that sometimes my feet and, hands turn blue for no reason. I also fear trying to explain why I was receiving workers comp for 6 months.I want to have a good relation with my nephew but all he does is lie to get outta chores\work so he can watch reaction videos. When I tried playing a board game with him, he said he did not like playing games were he can lose. He told me he liked pc stuff so I tried showing him IT stuff which he said he only likes YouTube. I tried watching youtube videos with him but it was all grown men screeching and overacting to minecraft.I am super tired all the time to the point I cannot play video games without falling asleep. I try excersising but I end up feeling drunk asf and unable to eat without pain. I had to reduce the amount pot I smoke (not a stoner) because I kept going into hr long convulsions. I wish I had the courage to grab my shotgun and create a cavity where my heart is. I keep hoping that during an episode I choke on my tongue or my heart rips itself apart. So Tired",Suicidal +26091,"I wake up and do the same shit every day, work at a store that is alright gets me money to just get through I guess. I just get through everyday, that is my life just getting through. No fun. I have tried so hard so many times to get better just to get destroyed again. So what is the point of putting in all that effort just for it to get broken like always. I have no friends no girlfriend, I am all alone. All I get to look forward each day is that joint I get to smoke when I get home. what is the point",Depression +26092,"Sorry to bother you guys but I really do not want to continue living any longer as the pain exceeds the will of my desire to live.Two biggest struggles in my life are looking for a monogamous partner(since I am gay it is really hard) and eventually buy my own house.As for the partner part, as I do not hook up and I live in a white country (Australia) by myself as an Asian immigrant, its not necessarily racism but I do not think Asian guys are not too attractive. Please do not try to deny that. Especially when I have a traditional value and I am not a Christian. I want to build a family with the person I love, its not considered normal as a young gay man. I actually always try to look for such a person WORLDWIDE online, it has not been successful since 2015. Yeah 6 years already, I did not give up the hope in real life either. On the other hand, I have math and literature bachelor degree, and also master of accounting, covid happened after I graduated and my last relationship caused an ENTIRE year of depression for me, and I could not find a job at all since I have NO JOB experience (Australians know how terrible this is in the job market)Through a friend I am able to do a 3-months intern in a real estate company as customer service guy (UNPAID), but the stress is too much, I had to watch 6 hours of videos straight, there is no rest between those, because if I distract a little bit, my manager turns her eyes on me. 5 days a week and from 8-5. JesusLET ALONE THE VIDEO CONTENT: Especially my boss keeps mentioning in the videos that how successful he is to have bought 2 houses in his age of 22. Kind of pissed of that I am almost 27 and got nothing. Hes also bragging about how he increased the price of houses in a suburb in 2 months of time ( by $60,000 each, he bought 40 of them). Also he said he lost his job in 2000s while he was still able to get support from his family. Fuck this reminds me that I am all alone in Australia and nobody could have helped me. I am paying rent like $220/ week without getting any income and how is buying house possible for me? And even if I get the job after 3 months its like impossible to buy a house, as the pay is maximum 40,000 a year with a 9-5 job( I already know this)He also mentioned he found his life partner at age of 26 kind of reminds what kind of loser I am but fuck I am gay. Even straight people nowadays do not find genuine partners anymore, people changed a lot during these years.The house keeps increasing 23% every year since 2015 and its unlikely for me to settle anywhere soon but I actually do not NEED a house of my own.. I just want someone who can stay and work and fight against all those lonely moments with meBut looking at me, its just a hella of a loser, I do not know what to do, pls, help me.. I want to kill myself on the first day of my first work.",Depression +26093,And honestly I do not know why they should. But it does not help nonetheless. I turn 22 today. I promise the second you are an adult no one cares.,Suicidal +26094,"My life has been falling apart the last couple of years and I just want it to end. During the last couple of years a very close friend of mine committed suicide, my relationship of seven years ended, my mom has a tumor and could possibly have cancer, and now I have hurt my ex in a way I could never forgive myself for. I am in my early twenties and things have been bad for so long I feel like it will never get better. I have relapsed into sh pretty bad again and I feel like now all I need is a little push. If anyone knows any self destructive/triggering movies similar to Suicide Room please let me know. Part of me just wants to completely spiral so I can finally end it all. It does not get better.",Suicidal +26095,that is pretty much it tbh I just want to die I go to bed every night hoping I will not wake up,Suicidal +26096,"I do not want to live anymore, but I am afraid of dying. Everything in life just hurts me and takes a huge mental toll. I do not enjoy anything and I always feel sad. I really do not want to live in all this pain. it is so exhausting and boring that I just want to stop living. But dying is not an option. I have lost too much to death, I do not want to lose even myself to it. What could be a good alternative? what is the alternative?",Depression +26097,"I am 21 years old and there is no hope for me. I am autistic and I am a victim of discrimination for years. People scare me so much with one judgement they can ruin a part of a person's life. My uni internship got canceled because I was not communicative enough.So my hopes in being integrated in the job market are pretty low because of the fear of being discriminated again. I am too fearful of denouncing these situations because they going to gaslight me and tell it was not discrimination just to protect the institution. This is fucking nuts and I have been feeling anxious for months.I feel guilty for existing at this point. Always have to fit in but I cannot fit in. I will not be a productive member of society. I will remain dateless as I am emotionally distant. What kind of of fucked up life is this? I am do not even like my degree and my training but I cannot switch majors because fear of being judged by my parents.As of now, I do not know how life is going to be. it is been shite for a year and a half. There are thoughts of throwing myself to the sea, while on sedatives or pulling the trigger of my dad's revolver in the temporal lobe. So what is the purpose?",Suicidal +26098,"i know id die if i were to take too much of my medication. last year i was so suicidal and like I am in a really bad place again, like everyday its just getting so much worse. i remember i wrote so much on my other account last year on this subreddit, back when things were horrible, and i know sooner or later i will end up trying to do it., knowing it will work. i just know that one day i will do it because things will get so bad. and everything has just been horrible lately and i really do not want to be in this bad place but i just cannot get myself to feel better i just cannot i feel so miserable and upset and i hate myself. i hate the fact that getting better is not permanent. when i thought my life was getting better it really was not. i hate the fact that I am supposed to be happy right now but I am the opposite. sorry for the vent lol things r getting worse again",Suicidal +26099,"Everyone struggles, of course. it is not like other people do not have problems, but it is like everyone else but me was given some sort of manual on how to deal with other people, or on how to function. I do not know what it is about me, but I just want the same level of dysfunction as everyone else. It always feels like life is so much easier for other people",Depression +26100,"they did not die or anything and i actually think they are doing well. they just left me. understandably bc i do not know how to deal with my shit or how to communicate in a healthy way. but like, i fucking miss them. and i wish i could reach out but i cannot bc i think they are doing good and i do not want to ruin that. F you C K i miss my best friend.",Depression +26101,"I have OCD, depression and social phobia. I spent a lot of time undergoing treatment with a psychologist and psychiatrist and I improved a lot, the pandemic started and money was running out. I did not see my psychologist for a long time. Now, I saw her again for less than 1 month, I am only doing 2 sessions a month, the money is enough for that, and it is been 5 months since I have talked to my psychiatrist. My case is serious, I think about suicide, self-mutilation, etc. almost every day. I really like it when I am with my psychologist, she helps me a lot, I wish I could see her twice a week, but the money is not enough, I also miss my psychiatrist a lot (he already saved my life).I live in a third world country with no hope of getting a job. You might think ""you could switch to someone who does social price"", no, that would completely destroy my treatment, I do not know how to live without my psychiatrist and starting with a new psychologist would s****, because I have known her for 5 years. I just wish I could have a little income to pay more sessions, and yeah I already have discount. Just a vent",Suicidal +26102,"I have mild depression, but a lot of career stuff is making it unbearable. I thought I would post here to get some help or vent. I hope this is OK.After a number of years of moderate success in my chosen field, I have barely worked in the last 4 years. This has made me just absolutely miserable. I stay up late, I do not sleep well, I drink too much, I cannot focus on anything, I cannot get anything done, etc.Over the course of those four years I have watched all my close friends achieve success in this field, including my ex, who I dated for a decade (and I supported them for years while they tried to get work). Very recently, my ex has reached an *extreme* level of success, to the point that my ex is in the news, and my friends have been bringing it up to me like ""you should ask her for help"" or whatever. Which makes things worse. My friends sometime exclude me from conversations and hang outs and sometimes it feels like they are in the ""success"" club. I rarely get invited anywhere anymore.Finally, today, I found out that the person who just bought the house next door to me is ALSO a huge in my chosen field and drives a 100k car. I am dreading the conversations we will have and all the successful people parties they will throw. it is like I cannot escape it. It feels like this is the last straw.I dedicate myself to work, I do the best I can, but after years and years of trying, I cannot seem to make anything happen. I have no other professional training, so it is either this field or go back to the drawing board.I am miserable, depressed, and feel like I am circling a drain. Does anyone have advice? I think I am losing it - it feels like everyone in my life is a huge success and I am a failure.",Depression +26103,"I recently taking vitamin as I am vitamin deficiency. However, something is bugging me. My moods overall getting better which is great. But what happened after stopping taking it? I am so afraid the multi vitamin supplements will just be another antidepressant, and the symptoms will comeback and worse than before. Anyone have any insight regarding this? Taking multi vitamins which improves moods.",Depression +26104,"But I have told my loved ones, they say you cannot think like that and yeah I feel like that sometimes too. There is nothing they can say or do that could help. So why tell them? I do not even have health insurance how can I possibly afford to see someone. The online tools do not help, the suicide prevention hotline was useless. They let me cry then said okay feel better, bye. I would hate to leave people with my suicide, I really would, I have come up with a way to make it the least traumatizing it can be but I have felt like this for so long. For short periods I see normal, I can feel hope and peace but I do not feel that now. I feel angry and tired and fed up. All because the cat litter bag broke, I threw a temper tantrum and all the suicidal thoughts that have been building up for the last month just bombarded me and now the only thing that can stop me from sobbing is dreaming of how I will die. I think I know this is not it. I think I know that I will feel better but I just cannot tell right now. I cannot think straight or feel straight. Everything is just rage and hate and I do not want to feel this way anymore. I pray to God please help me please stop this, I have been doing good, I have been doing what I am supposed to and he has left me here in this pit and I do not want to anymore. I am not going to end my life today, but for a long time the only thing that kept me going is knowing that is an option. I can quit whenever I want, just try another day. I am supposed to wait until I am 27 but these days it is creeping deeper and deeper into my heart. It will not be tonight, but it is closer than I have ever felt it before and I am afraid I cannot stop it. Everyone always says to tell some loved ones, see a psychologist, think of what it will do to the people you leave behind, you have purpose.",Suicidal +26105,"Everyone moves on, Beginning their life and working on their future, while I am back here watching like I missed the train and now I am stuck at the station, as the train speeds off into the horizon, wondering if I should start running to catch up or give up and fall onto the rails and let the next train mangle my body. I am so behind in life that even if I started today I would be so late in everything.",Depression +26106,"I have suffered with depression since my teen years and in the past have absolutely isolated and abused drugs and alcohol. I did a complete 180 and now live a pretty happy sober unmedicated healthy lifestyle. This year has had a lot going on and I recently felt myself getting very down about various things, I feel super overwhelmed and cannot stop crying I found myself turning to alcohol and wanting to shut myself off so I quickly caught myself and decided to speak openly with my family about how I was feeling. My sister told me it is not a big deal, my uncle told me I was being over the top and when I explained how hurtful that was to my fiance he told me they were right and it is been a week and he is frustrated and angry that I am not over it too. I feel awful that I even tried to reach out and now feel very numb and pretty resentful, I also feel kind of stupid :( I tried to reach out to my family and was shut down :( wish I had not said anything",Depression +26107,"i imagine myself dying slowly in many different scenarios and i like it so much, it just feel so good.is it weird? is it that weird?",Suicidal +26108,"I do not do this kind of stuff. Feelings and all. And I feel like my problems are so miniscule compared to everybody else in here. But I need an outlet. I do not know what is wrong with me. Some days are okay. Others I just want to stay inside and not do anything. Or ill be riding my motorcycle having a great time, then randomly just start hoping a car swerves into my lane and then no more me. The main thing keeping me from acting on anything is that I do not want to put my family through that, and I know my wife would torn apart and it would ruin her. I am not happy with my life. And I know they say you cannot love another person unless you truly love yourself. But I do not love myself yet I will do anything and everything I can to ensure my wife has the best life. I do love her. that is not what this is about. I love her so much that sometimes I wish she would leave me and find someone better than me. I know she deserves better. I feel like she is wasting her time on me. Just today she was talking about what she would do if she won the lottery. And she has her whole future planned out and knows what she wants out of life. And I feel awful and makes me feel worse because I do not know if I can keep myself from forcing her to move on to someone better. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated, I am desperate people. Thank you for reading. My wife deserves better",Depression +26109,"As of this writing, I have got a new friend I met here on Reddit, that was talking to me 5 hours ago, or so. No responses since, no message explaining their absence. I have a girl I pay to talk to me, because I am that goddamn lonely, and she is been absent since almost 12 hours ago. I have a couple older friends that have talked to me for a while, but of late they have been really quiet. Nobody has responded to me today. The closest I have had to meaningful conversation came via welcome messages to a support forum I joined. I am alone, painfully and completely alone. I want to die. I have not decided on how yet, but I am done. I hate this world, I hate the fact that I need people who clearly do not care, I hate that everyone that ever tells me they are my friend abandons me. So I promise, this time tomorrow, nobody has to bother pretending anymore. You can all just relax, and forget I ever darkened your inbox. Pretend I never existed at all, that could be a fun game. And to anyone that thinks they can just talk me off the edge with a little friendship, and I will be fine after, please do not. I do not need to hurt any worse, I just need to let go. Please let me let go. Abandonment issues, they finally won. Peace out.",Suicidal +26110,I am sad anyone want play games? Hi,Suicidal +26111,"I have been for few years feeling sadder and worst. It started when I realised who am I. I was trying to stay positive and funny for my friends and classmates. But when I am alone, there in no escape from my thoughts. What I did wrong, how I did it ect. For understanding next part, I am student of electrical engineering, since I was little everybody was telling me how smart I am, but I do not feel like it. Even now when someone ask me to do something, I can say no, so I will take it. But I cannot push myself to do it or if it is half way done, I cannot finish it. Studying is hard for my because I am loosing focuse. So in the end everyone is angry on me that I did not do. Even worse, my GF broke up with me, and few days after she was with somebody else (back then I was trying to look as nice as nice as I could and threatening her like a queen. I did not argue when she block all my friends on my phone, telling them I did not want to see them). That pulled me down a lot. Every day I am sitting on the computer and watching blank screen. I just cannot push my self to do something. Me and my friends were smoking weed year ago, that was only time, when my mind was empty. But there were some side effects and my mum. Few mouths ago I tried killing myself with high electricity, but I ended up in in agony of pain and fell down and that saved me. So now I do not know what to do and how to plan my future, if I should just try killing myself on an ""accident"" once again so my family would not think that I had depression or ony mental disorder. Loosing interest living",Depression +26112,asking for help & suggestions. thank you! how do you deal with depressive episodes?,Depression +26113,"I was on top on life just starting my twenties, i had a gf some cats even a dog then one day i was in a car crash, and after that the hell started.. back pain and other issues, lost my job but had some savings, flash foward 6years I am sitting here with gf gone, cats gone, dog gone, everything gone my gf just could not take me being sick anymore about 2.5 years back but she truly was the love of my life we were happy together but i understund her, i realized all my friends were fake just trying to bring me down just to raise themselfs and was not really my friends so now I am sitting here alone, with chronic pain no help from the medical community with my whole life in shatters, no money and no help from the doctors, i cannot take this pain anymore it made me an addict and made me lose everything i loved here in life, sometimes i think maybe the top of my life already passed even tho I am not even 30 yet and that suicide maybe just is not so bad.. feeling so lonely and idk i really tried to heal from this with physical therapy and shit and went all in for years and I am only getting worse i cannot even stand up on my legs without feeling like I am going to collapse any second and i have 10/10 pain scale all the time.. idk what to do anymore chronic pain ruined me",Depression +26114,even when I post that I am at a dangerously low point people still make fun of me and shut me out. I do not know why I fucking tried. everyone wants me dead you all want me dead,Suicidal +26115,"""I do not feel so good"", I said to my mother, she was talking to other people on the party and did not listen. ""can you please ask someone for some medication?"" Again, no response. I felt terrible and walked around fo a bit. I thought that the pain might just go away with time, It did not. I might had been able to ignore it but it got worse. It got so bad to the point where I actually wanted to leave the party. Thanks God I met one of my friends they talked with me and cheered me up. The pain is still there but it is not as strong anymore. And even tho I still want to go I think I am going to stay here for a while.This is something I am actually quiet proud of and I think this is a good reference to depression. :) This is how depression feels for me.",Depression +26116,apparently nothing good lasts forever,Suicidal +26117,"I do not know when or on what basis they will be let out, five days in with no clear plan or contact with the doctor (are not married) I have no idea how to manage what comes next becuse they are I heavy denial, not being honest with doctors, or me. Swears it was a fluke and does not need help. I do not know how to support, make my own boundaries clear to her over the phone In hospital, and lastly deal with my personal fears upon arriving home. Any help helps My partner attempted and is in a facilitt",Suicidal +26118,The feeling was like I did not feel or care about anything anymore so that option felt very easy. It was comfortable to have that freedom Willingly going back on meds that made me suicidal,Suicidal +26119,"Idk what I did. But he deleted me on all social medias. Were long distance so this completely cuts us off. He did not even say why. Idk if he is breaking up with me. He would have told me, right? Anyways I have lost him. So imma lose my life. I feel dumb for trying to kill myself over this. But I am going to do it. So I am killing myself cuz my boyfriends mad at me",Suicidal +26120,I am just feeling so tired of everything. I feel so lonely and I do not know how to make it better. I am really trying and everyone thinks I am better but really tonight I can feel myself so tempted to make everything go away or at least go back to self harm. I just want it all to stop. Its all too loud I am really scared and I cannot be alone right now,Suicidal +26121,"there is nothing that sounds more appealing to me than never having to deal with problems again. I do not care about the little things, I do not care about sunrises and good food and love and travel or anything. I want to stop being conscious, point blank. I would rather not think or feel anything than aspire to anything. I have wanted to die since I was seven years old, and yeah I have experienced good things in life, but that does not change the fact that I would rather not experience anything, good or bad. God, I wish I was never born.",Suicidal +26122,"I do not know if I am, 23 days left. I just want to switch off. I cannot do this shit anymore. Work is to overwhelming and my parents blame me for all the mistakes they make. I will be forgotten in a few years. Ready for death",Suicidal +26123,i would really like to die. wow,Depression +26124,"it is been pretty obvious for a year or so, about where I am headed. I never chose to discipline myself, I never chose to succeed academically in high school (where I am currently at as a junior) since I have never really put in any significant effort into my courses, and ultimately, I have come to terms with failing in life and living in absolute shambles - like, taking up some dead-end job like McDonald's or Applebee's for the rest of my life, with a wage that barely supports myself. I have also happened to act like a massive dick to my parents and my older sister - both of which have endlessly nagged and lectured me whilst pushing me into opportunities such as tutoring for improving my grades, and some math contests at a university I live close to. I do not think they will regret seeing me go after countless shouting matches, fistfights, and instances of broken furniture, - all of which are a product of my uncontrollable fits of rage stemming from my recklessness, hatred, and ignorance towards them. I truly think that, while they still try to made amends for myself by lecturing me and giving me chances to improve my prospects for my future, they really should not care about this little piece of 16 year-old privileged shit anymore, because I just will not listen. Everything I have done in my life, whether it be positive (if there is any I could genuinely think of) or negative (there *is* plenty that I could think of here), is the result of my own actions, where I have continuously failed to realize the consequences of my own actions. that is all I have to say. I am thinking of just laying on my bed until I starve or die of thirst in a few weeks or so. Or maybe slumbering into a deep sleep and never bothering to wake up again. I have not put much thought in that department, since I have also never really thought of where I might be in 20-30 years. P.S. I could have added ""Nobody *needs* to care about me"" to this post. You can interpret this post as if it also had this meaning. Might as well call it quits. (Nobody needs to care about me, or feel pity for me.)",Suicidal +26125,"Does anyone else just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt on the strain your depression puts on your partner? he would never say it, but even tonight he asked nicely if we could go for a walk, and I point blank refused. I just could not do it. that is one of many instances. As if being depressed was not bad enough... The strain on your partner",Depression +26126,Hey everybody! I have been doing some deep thinking lately and I have been wondering if my depression is something I can manage without meds. This led me to think about where it comes from and if I can find the root can I manage it. I guess what I am saying is why are we depressed and are we just in a day in age where we need medicine to feel happy. Like it is kind of a sad thought to me that I am at a point where I need something to feel happiness. Maybe my viewpoint is wrong but I would like to hear thoughts. Where does depression come from?,Depression +26127,"I absolutely despise people that say ""do not worry things will change it will all be good""Because it is a lie, if you keep with that mentality of things will change I just need to wait for that big change nothing will ever change, your life will be the same shithole over and over again and that is insane, if you want to do something if you wish for something do not wait for it, fight for it do not let anything defeat you because at the end when you are an old man of fucking 80 90 years you will regret everything you will say why I did not do this why I did not learn that, if you want something that is achievable fight for it and do not give up, if you do your life it is fucked, so you want to be a social monster fight for it, it might be horrible at first but at the end you will achieve your goals, life will not give you something easy if something can go wrong it will so even if your life looks like the worst shit of all things you can change it you just need to fight for it. This was not wrote by me this was from you/guillegoky13 Well a friend of mine wrote this for someone in a similar situation as the ones using this subreddit and I think we should share it with some of you",Depression +26128,"Ok this one seems legit. I was thinking about poisoning using some bullshit supplement amygdalin, because it converts to cyanide. I would fucking love to get my hands on some carbon monoxide. As it stands it seems like nitrogen tank + balls of steel not to take the mask off is the best solution. Again why is it so fucking hard to do this in America? I fucked up my life beyond repair (by me) and there is literally no reason to keep going. I do not care who I used to be, that person is dead. Also the people who care about me, they are going to have to deal. And God, the biggest joke of all, why did he make me such a shitter if he wanted me to stick around? I am really counting down days here. Maybe next weekend if I can get my hands on a tank. Nitrous would be the silliest way to go but would probably be just as difficult to get a tank of as carbon monoxide. Nitrogen",Suicidal +26129,"During high school I would cry pretty much every single day when I got back home. I was going through horrible low moods, my sleep schedule was incredibly messed up and I would just want to sleep and stay in bed when possible. I had no drive or motivation for anything, but I just continued with the routine of daily life and what is expected of a high school student. At the time I did not really realise I was depressed, I thought it was just a rough patch that would hopefully stop one day. I knew I was exhibiting symptoms of depression but I never really thought this is depression and I am depressed as though there were something wrong with me mentally, and that it all lied with me as an individual and my character.I then got into University and hoped for a fresh start. I had a decent time there and socially had no problems, but I myself as an individual was still pretty much depressed and struggled academically. This significantly increased my stress and at times my depression and throughout University, I never really had the opportunity to have a pure break because I would have to study throughout the holidays. Whilst I had multiple break downs throughout, I do not think it was as bad as during school.Done with University and back with my family, because I wanted to take a small break from everything. I used to have a lot of problems with my parents, particularly with my mother and my moving back was most probably not best for my mental health. Again, almost like at school, I would cry quite regularly and feel incredibly low with no drive or motivation. Went through two years of horrible fights with them but ultimately, I believe I have finally managed to patch things up with my mother. We most probably have the best relationship right now than we have had for the past 10 years. At that time, I realised that I have been pretty much depressed since high school, driven by my relationship with my parents. I still hold negative feelings towards them sometimes, but we r both working to being better with each other. I got back to University but still am with my family. With the pandemic, I am stuck at home most of the time. I am extremely introverted and honestly relish the time where I am completely alone. However, being at home with studies and my family has been quite stressful and throughout the past year, the stress has been continuously building up. My parents mental health had also been struggling with the pandemic and as I have pretty much since I was a kid, I would support them a lot during these times. This also subtly contributed to my stress. I had not managed to have an actual break, (though I do have long periods of stress induced procrastination) and eventually I messed something up a month ago and had a horrible break down, like the ones I had during the worst of my times back during my old University or school years. I felt like this time, I ridiculously felt the physical effects of stress and depression, and really felt like they could kill me. For what has been pretty much a decade of depression, bad sleep and poor coping skills with stress, I have experienced physical symptoms like pain. But right now, I feel like its all building up to the point of boiling over (or it already has). I am repeating the same cycle of procrastination, self hate, not recovering from feeling horrible and stressed, even though I really do try to go to sleep earlier or exercise/go out for walks. I really do not need to socialise with people and I do maintain decent contact with my friends. I feel depressed pretty much 24/7 when I am not distracting myself with music, media entertainment, socialising. I cannot focus on my studies at all and I am just so tired. I have been tired for a decade and I just do not know what to do anymore. I always tell myself that one day it just will not be like this, but I am exhausted, drained and no matter how much I rest I just feel horrible. I do not know what to do anymore. Depressed since high school",Depression +26130,"I have what feels like no friends. I have two people I would consider friends, but idk. One friend, he is got to be the center of attention constantly. He bought a game I have had my eye on for a while, convinced me to buy it, then less than a week later moved onto another gameMy other friend, I texted him in our group chat saying we are playing this new game, and he never responded. I texted him the next day asking if he was there, and still no responseI built a computer for my brother so we could play games together, and he does not want to. He paid me back for what it cost, but besides that he does not even seem to appreciate what I have done. Hell, I have even bought him some games we could play together, and he does not want toI bought another friend a couple games because she had none, and she does not want to play eitherI lost my job last summer due to the 'rona, but luckily the first friend I mentioned offered me work. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee it will last. he is hoping it will depending how well our team performs this summer, but it is not guarantee. Due to losing my job, I had to move back home with my mom. I would like to move out, but my friend said do not so that until this team thing gets approved. He does not want me to move out and then have a lease I cannot pay for. I should know by the end of the month, but we will seeMy mom, she is a massive part of why I feel like shit. She is a hoarder and does not clean. There are clumps of dirt, dust, and dog hair EVERYWHERE. We have/had mice, as well as rats in the house. I want out of this house so badly, but as stated previously, it is not a safe bet until I know this work will be a little more guaranteed. I could clean, sure, but I drive an hour to work one way, after doing a somewhat intensive labor job, then an hour back home. When she and my brother I built the computer for both sit at home doing nothing all day every dayI reapplied to the university I dropped out of a year and a half ago, but they only offered the classes I needed during the day, which is when I was working. I reapplied this winter, and heard no response. I called admissions and they told me I applied for admissions, not readmissions, so I had to reapply again, and have still not heard back. On top of that, do I really want to put myself back into debt for my dream job, or keep working this manual labor job that pays well but leaves me feeling unfulfilled?I am overweight and I miss the body I had three years ago. Three years ago I was 165 with extremely low body fat. I had so much energy, my clothes fit, I FELT GREAT, waking up was no longer a chore. Now, I am 200 with what feels like no muscle. I want to get back to that, but I do not have time or energy to get back into lifting, and with my mom being a hoarder and me not having my own space, meal prepping like I used to is not ideal. it is more of a chore than it already isThe one thing that does bring me joy is my girlfriend. she will ask me ""what?"" and chuckle a bit anytime she sees me staring at her, but she has no idea just how much happiness she brings to me. With that said, this summer has been hard on me. she is busy with a summer job that only allows me to see her late Friday nights, Saturdays until about 3 in the afternoon, late Saturday nights, then all day Sunday. Unfortunately, she will ask me if she can go to parties with her work friends, and because I try to be the best man I can be for her, I tell her yes, but it hurts that she chooses to see them over me since she sees them literally all day every day Monday-Friday, then again Saturday evenings, and Sunday eveningsI do not expect anyone to actually read this, let alone comment, but if you do, any words of comfort, reassurance, or anything, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks I just want to feel better, or at the very least someone to listen to me",Depression +26131,"My boyfriend (61M) bought a house as an investment 6 years ago. He rented it to me (50f) and I just pay the taxes. it is an awesome house at prime location. I decided to get a roommate. A friend (47m) of a friend moved in. I cut him a nice deal and this is the list of things that happened in six months. Stole a case of paper towels, all of my soap, all of my spices and threw out all of my condiments. Put bleach in a bottle and did not mark it. So, I destroyed two carpets including living room. Broke my $1500 refrigerator my parents gave me beyond repair. Damaged my $800 stove also given by parents. Broke my dryer switch so it now only heats on high. Turned the air conditioning down to 63. Thank God it did not break. Left tacks on the floor when he moved out. This is what is killing me right now. The dress and wool trench I got to wear to my brothers funeral is gone. (He has female friends) This month I discovered that my hat box that I kept everything from when I gave up my daughter is gone. Pictures, letters and her hospital bracelet. He knew about it and saw it. I keep praying that I will find it. I hope I am wrong. I have searched everyday. She came to visit for the first time a week ago and I did not have it. My depression has been so bad that I decided to move out and we are selling the house. I cannot function enough to take care of it anymore. I will be so grateful if I am wrong but, I feel that weight of darkness coming over me again. I did not deserve this. I am absolutely gutted. cannot take much more.",Depression +26132,"Just going to throw this out into the ether. I am so tired and depressed, I just want it to all end.* Dec 23 last year I found out I have stage 3 colon cancer.* In January I had an emergency ileostomy; they pulled my small intestine out, sliced it open, turned it inside out and sewed it to my belly. Now I crap in a bag and have to take Imodium so I do not get dehydrated.* After my surgery there is a good chance I will still need an ostomy. In which case the surgeon will reverse the ileostomy and give me a colostomy because ""it is a higher quality of life"".* I have gone through radiation. The first round of chemo left me with neuropathy in my hands and feet. Opening bottles and jars is painful, and I lack strength in my hands.* The second round of chemo is making me nauseous, gives me cramping and diarrhea (even out of my butt, despite the ileostomy), and I am constantly tired ... I sleep 12+ hours a day. My hair is thinning, my nails are brittle and peeling. Maybe it is age, but I suspect the chemo is making my eyesight worse. Each treatment makes me feel subsequently worse than the last. I am dreading my next appointment, and the four after that.* I am dreading my surgery after chemo is over. they are going to cut the tumor out, scrape out several surrounding lymph nodes, and re-section my rectum. The words the surgeon has used at least three times are ""you will have a rectum, of sorts.""* there is a good chance after the surgery I will be either impotent, or unable to achieve orgasm, or both.* My husband and I have not had sex in 10 years. He recently got a remote controlled sex toy and is on the internet several hours a day letting strangers control his toy. He shuts his door thinking I do not know or will not figure out what he is doing.* I have no friends.* I work in a call center, which ... OK, mine is not as bad as some, but no call center is great. Customers are selfish entitled assholes who are constantly berating us and trying to scam us.I just do not see what I have to look forward to. Just want it to end",Depression +26133,"I am tired of feeling like a burden to my partner and like these feelings bring them down. I am tired of living the daily life we have. There is no point. I am only waiting around to feel better or different and if it ever happens it is a huge risk because half the time I feel like a disappointment. Like, I am feeling better so that makes everyone around me happy but inevitably I will let them down the next time I get sad or depressed. it is not worth it. I just sat in a bathtub and cut my arm and I realized how easy it would be to just do it for real. My partner and I have been fighting all day about how I feel and how they are trying their best and I am trying mine but I am tired of fighting. I do not trust any of my thoughts and feelings. I really do not think I mean enough to any of the people in my life that this would really matter. I do not feel like I have the time or patience to wait for a medication that works. I am tired. I just want to go. I think I may really kill myself tonight",Suicidal +26134,"most ppl do not suffer from depression, i wonder what that is like what is it like not having a depression?",Depression +26135,"hi guys, i read all your comments and i will respond to all my messages and I am sorry i worried you. honestly I am still considering it very much but i figured its not the only way. i will stop drinking, i will try to fix everything by september, or most of it. i cleaned my room that was dirty for 6 months now, i finally ate a good healthy meal, i washed my hair and i did a lot of thinking. i will give my friends and my person time to recover and be with themselves some time while i fix some things in my life. i am sorry to everyone i worried and i am grateful that that much people cared for me. i want to talk to my person tonight and i just at least want to stay friends with him because i love him so much and i am so sorry. i really fucked up bad, and instead of crying and being in my bed all day, I am finally going to do something in my life. i am so thankful for you guys, for all my friends and for my person. i screwed up so bad this time, and i will not try to fix the past but to focus on the future. if someone is having a hard time i am here to talk 24/7. thank you. - anastasia UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE",Suicidal +26136,i tried calling a hotline today for people in need or something like that. i am feeling quite shitty and i have been thinking about suicide more and more so i wanted to talk to someone about it but i feel like my problems are not bad enough to call a hotline. i always have to think that maybe someone else is who is actually going to commit suicide would call and then the line would be full because of me. i do not actually think i will kill myself. i just think of it sometimes. so my problems are not even that bad or? well instead of calling i decided to write this out and post here. I am so tired. not feeling like i deserve to call a hotline,Depression +26137,"I just want to live without having to push myself so hard. Regardless, I deserve to push myself to death to the point that it drives me nuts to suicidal thoughts. I have made many mistakes, and even if I go back in time and fix my past mistakes, there will be thousands more mistakes to come. People will tell me that everyone makes mistakes and no one should push themselves so hard!, and yet people will get pissed off at me, yell at me, and hurt (physically and/or verbally) me, telling me how much it says about me and not them and how much I deserve the punishment for my mistakes. Its just so fucking ironic lol.Even the littlest mistakes I have made are just so big for me. I am feeling like all mistakes are the same, and that my mistakes will be just as bad as others mistakes.As much as I love everyone on this earth (this includes my family, friends, and even everyone in general), I do not love myself as much. Perhaps I am just too sensitive for this world. Perhaps I am too different for this world.I may be ignored on this sub, but fuck it. Fuck my life, fuck my pain, and fuck all the cruel shit on this earth. I just want to go home called heaven, and let God be able to finally heal me after all the pain and mistakes I have regretted and experienced(I apologized for my profanity. I am still thinking about harming or kill myself) I am too sensitive for this cruel earth. Might as well harm or kill myself in the future",Suicidal +26138,"This weekend I sat in the hours by myself like I usually do and it just hit harder this time. I joined BetterHelp in hope of find a way to get myself out of this. I use to be so happy, making jokes all the time calling and texting people but now I just cannot find the reason to do any of it. My family has fallen apart I cannot even have a real conversation with my dad and my mom is just said and I feel for her. I try to distract myself from it but the distraction does not last for long or it just does not work. I am constantly thinking about the old me. The younger me that had friends and would be out of the house all the time. I just feel like there is nothing left me. Ill probably never find love and will just die alone. Its all even harder as a black male, Its like depression in black men just do not exist. I just want this shit to be over. How do you stop feeling so alone? How do you go back to being the old you or even just a newer version of yourself? How do you feel loved again? People make it seem like it just so easy to get all the feeling out of your head but they just do not understand that its not that simple. I am just not feel it anymore",Depression +26139,"I cannot anymore, I cannot just hear my friends to tell me what I did wrong in a situation like with a girl which told my other friends bad things.... I cannot anymore I am so tired of this I just want to stay in a hole without more than 3 of them and just never come out. I just need time first of all to understand my mistakes and my self which I cannot even understand, I cannot understand my power my will, my purpose but when this time comes will be too late..... This should be stop",Suicidal +26140,"He says hes angry at my depression and not me, but the reaction is aggressive and it makes me feel worse, i have been shouted at in the past and he does have a temper, so i try to pretend I am happy so i do not make him angry When I am extremely sad, it makes my friend angry at me, is this common?",Depression +26141,I will never be trans enough I will never be seen as the woman I am anyone I trust will betray my trust eventually others can hurt me but I cannot hurt them so they will hurt me with impunity it is the end.,Suicidal +26142,Since i was a small kid i never got any love from my parents no hugs only hits no i love yous only fuck yous I am afraid of people i hate them sometimes and from everywhere i only get abuse and negativeness i want a normal life a perfect one not this I am only 17 but feel like I am 60 i just want some joy in life but no i cannot get any only bad things and i think i deserve it i will not be happy and i will die alone and now that i think about it maybe that is the way out i have to make everyone hate me so i can hate them that is it this all i wanted to say I want a normal life without abuse,Depression +26143,"Everyone else seems to be having so much fun in this life, so much joy, and have a path figured out for them. I am 20 years old and all I can think about is how fast can I just fucking die. I almost got shot in a drive by a few weeks ago (I had nothing to do with the actual people they were after. Sometimes I think to myself why could not have I been hit. Idk. I am so lostNothing fullfills me with happiness anymore, I see everyone else excited to get their degree and move into the next chapter of life. I have not even found a reason why I should be here. I never thought happiness would be so hard to find, my purpose in this life feels more meaningless by the second. I still question why I have not committed yet. I want to love this life so bad, I want to be happy with my friends, but no matter how hard I try it NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS. Why be here just to suffer like this. I do not get it. I cannot take it, I really cannot.",Suicidal +26144,Okay. So I just posted a post in the blind community As I am blind myself. And I got called racist and entitled I am neither of those things. It was something that happened to me when someone tried to guide me using a newspaper. Now why I ask do I care what a stranger thinks? I know I should not But it is really discouraged me. I had to get that out as its been stewing on my mind for the last three years since it happened And that is what I get for it. Am I overreacting? Or is it the depression talking? And then you get people saying you need to stop worrying A lot easier said than done when you have got depression. I have been a member of this forum for just over 24 hours And already thinking of leaving. I do not want to as I really like it and I have met a lot of nice people But that really got to me.Considering I work in a job which tackles racism. I would never want to be called racist it is really upset me. Why do I care?,Depression +26145,that is it I just miss her a lot we broke up a week ago and she says she still likes me but I do not know why she broke up with me but I just want to see any advice on getting over someone thank you. I miss my girlfriend,Depression +26146,I am 22 and I have been so unlucky in love I have become desperate and depressed I am seeing a therapist but it hurts so much to be alone when all of my friends are finding gfs and have some experience I have never even been alone with a girl before and it fucking hurts idk how much longer I can take it before I end it all I just want to feel a womans touch I cannot handle this loneliness anymore,Suicidal +26147,Hi all i broke up with my gf 4 months ago she was so toxic we met many times afer it but she was so weird...then i blocked her...and she started calling my brother writing every member of my family that i was abusive...wich was complete bullshit she has big ego...i was so angry that i lost a job for drinking sorrow...tommorow i starting at new job hope everything going to be fine need to forget that bitch...alcoholism ruined her life i was so supportive all the time with no result just knife behind the back. New chapter!,Depression +26148,I cannot stop procrastinating.,Depression +26149,Literally every time I try to do anything in my life I just fuck it up and ruin it and kill myself inside again and again and again. All I want In life it to kill myself for-real and never feel again. What makes it seem bearable?,Depression +26150,"I get the feeling this is not an unpopular opinion. I am literally so sick right now. I was recently made to come off of all of my psychiatric medications by a family member at the risk of losing the home I have only just been able to secure to move into. I thought I had depression before. I have never known an emptiness like this. I feel utterly alone. There is no one in my life that even wants to bother to try and help me. Everyone is sick of me. Id say the only think keeping me here is my cat, but even she would be okay if I just quietly left. Absolutely no one would miss me. I get more and more miserable by the day. Not even mentioning the likely permanent damage I have in motor and sensory function after being prescribed more than half a dozen antidepressants in less than a year. I already had issues with chronic pain and fatigue, I did not know i could possibly get any worse. I am just so ready to fucking quit. I wish i had someone to call to clean up whatever mess my lifeless body would make upon exit so my family would not have to deal with it, because I know they would not want to. Just like in life, no one would want to deal with the mess my existence would leave behind upon death. Fuck this. Suicide should be accepted and assistance with the act made readily available for those who choose to opt out of life.",Suicidal +26151,Its my boyfriends mums but who cares. I am sure she can get more when she tells the doctors her sons girlfriend used her script to kill herself. Bitch hates me anyway. All of my boyfriends friends hate me a couple want to bash me. I am so alone reddit. I am a schizophrenic borderline. I do not expect sympathy- I am a cunt. I am just saying statistically my odds are stacked. I could go on and on about why my life is fucked but I will save that for my imaginary therapist that I cannot afford or get to because I am a 21 year old loser with no car. Why not swallow that whole box and go watch the sun rise at the park for the last time. there is a box of targin upstairs,Suicidal +26152,"So I am 12, and have for the past year felt like I want to kill myself. I want to get help, and have asked my mother if she can find me a therapist, but I do not think she believes me because of how young I am. I am confused on whether or not I am suicidal because I am not sad, or just wanting to give up on life. I just have a fascination with killing myself. I do not know if that is truly being suicidal so I wanted to ask the random people of reddit. Am I truly suicidal?",Suicidal +26153,I am depressed since way back and my appetite goes through periods of highs and lows but mostly it is low and right now it is like non-existent. i have lost a little weight and only eat like once a day because i really cannot bother. my house is a disaster so the kitchen is all gross and full of shit and no clean plates or anything sp i just eat microwavable food. am tired of pizza and cansoup but do not know what else i can eat. I am very picky and vegetarian. so what can i do? how do you get your appetite back when you are never hungry and you do not hve the energy to make food or eat?? i want to build the body i want but i feel it is impossible because i cannot motivate myself or even gather the strength to try. how to fix low appetite?,Depression +26154,"All my friends are in relationships and moving on with their lives. Feels like I will never find someone. Family pressure does not make it any better and they just make me feel like a massive unlovable loser. I honestly feel like something is wrong with me. And I hate that I feel jealous of my friends. Friends dating and moving on (28F, south Asian)",Depression +26155,"There is no place for me in this world. I am transgender and I get called a faggot for wearing a dress. it is so unfair my whole life I will not accepted or loved. it is so painful to see happy people hugging each other and enjoying their lives.. I had hopes that things would get better, I had dreams, for example, that I would like to become a mangaka but fuck it, nothing is getting better, I exist only to be hated i do not know why god gave me this life but I hope no matter where I go i will finally become happy Probably I will kill myself tonight",Suicidal +26156,"The best option I have available to me is a shotgun to the face or chest; I prefer the latter b/c the idea of going out suddenly is somehow scarier than whatever pain and rapid deterioration to death would come from birdshot to the heart. B/c of the length of the barrel I cannot pull the trigger normally; I have to tie a sash to each foot, looped through the trigger guard, and kick with one foot. That way I could fit the end of the barrel into my mouth or my chest.The last time I got close, but my nerves fell apart after I would done everything but take the safety off. I put it away instead and cried for the first time in a long time, but only briefly. Today I had my second chance (I only have the opportunity when I am alone in the house). I set myself up better (a little bit of forethought led to comforters and pillows being laid down and wrapped around my body to absorb at least some of the blood) and got down to properly loading the thing and taking the safety off. My heart was pounding as it was last time, and my kicking foot started to shake. I put the safety back on, tried to calm down, took it off again, and still could not manage to fire the thing. I ended up untying my feet and putting the gun away. As I sit here typing this the pillows and sheets are still set up next to my bed where I would been sitting, and I am waiting in line for the Suicide Lifeline chat b/c I have never done it before and as useless as I have heard it is, it probably cannot hurt. I am in with the wrong ZIP code and a fake name, so hey.Now......................What do? This is the second time in less than a week that I have gotten within a hair of killing myself and chickened out.",Suicidal +26157,"How do you live with depression? Even more so, how do you live with depression as an empath? How do you manage to wake in the morn and pull yourself from the comfort of nothingness? How do you spend your day to day? How do you cope with socializing, when the depression is eating away at your very being? How do you find the courage to keep one foot in front of the other, albeit I bet, with head down...how do you love someone so fucking much, when all you want to do is not be here anymore. Hypocrisy? Lifeline.... How do you live",Depression +26158,"I am a 20 years old male. Tbh my life sucks and nothing every works with me. As a beginning I was never depressed or had problems like that before. I have got a gf like 2 years ago and she was everything to me, so I was literally destroyed when she left me. The day she left me was the begining of covid 19, so I had no place to go, I was always alone, my friends stopped texting me and I had no one in my life. I have so many problems for my age, I started balding, I have acne, I hate my look that I have spent 5 months without looking in the mirror, I have trust issues, I have no confidence, and even I started thinking that I have sexual problems because in the past I had sex addiction and suddenly I do not like porn anymore and it is like I am forcing myself to watch it so I do not feel weird and this is really awful. I am literally trying my best everyday to be better but I just cannot continue. I am totally destroyed, I am always stressed about everything and I cry alone at night most of the time. So please if anyone can help, please tell me what to do because I cannot live like that anymore.. Please help me before I kill myself",Depression +26159,my fucking mother and sister fucking hate me. they insult me and bother me every fucking day. i cannot live like this anymore. i fucking hate everything. i fucking hate everything,Suicidal +26160,Since I was a teenager I have always experienced depressive episodes. I did not know what they were until my late teens/early 20s when I started feeling suicidal and made a few attempts on my life. I have used drugs and alcohol to cope for many years(not to the point of being considered an addict) but those are only temporary fixes. I have seen professionals and have been medicated but I never feel comfortable enough to discuss my true feelings and lack the ability to verbalize many of my thoughts. I am doing better in life than I was a few years ago but recently I have found myself unable to do many things I have always loved (cannot watch movies or listen to music like I used. Ill sit in the dark and look at my phone for hours). It has also affected my professional growth as I am unable to make the time to learn new skills or work a little harder than I usually do. My self-esteem is pretty shot and I have self depreciating thoughts constantly. At this point I am afraid Ill never be happy again. Mental health,Depression +26161,"like i just decided on a major, I am still trying to find a job, still cannot drive, and I am feel like i will not cut it career-wise. i do not like where i am in life. but one thing i do know, is i never going to get married, and never going to have kids.maybe you can relate to these? i feel stress about future",Suicidal +26162,"I am just going to kill my self, I mean like I am 13 and i cannot even do one thing right. For the past month I have been trying to fix my sleep schedule to fix my fucked up life to maybe fix it and every time I mess up every single time. And not only that every person that i have ever met either moved or does not care about me anymore. At school my grades suck ass because I do not even imagine what I am going to do the in the future if I decide to stick around, even if I try to get my grades up my adhd will not let me. And I do not have anything to do. Why",Suicidal +26163,"I do not want your help, I never asked for it. I do not want any medication, it does fuck all for me anyway. I do not want any therapy, I really do not want to have to sit down with a stranger who does not care and explain to them that all I want in life is for it to be over. I do not want to get better, I could not care less. I do not want you worrying about me, I never asked you to care. I do not want any family or friends anymore because it would be a lot easier to die without them. I do not want any real interaction with anyone at all to be honest. But think about all the stuff you will miss out on and all the stuff you would not be able to do if you kill yourself No I am not going to miss out on anything because Ill be dead and I will not know any better, I have not experienced it so I cannot miss it. I just want to be dead, and if I cannot manage that I just want to be left alone to sleep for the rest of my life. I did not ask for this life, its nothing but a curse. I feel like I am going insane trapped in my own mind. Idek, this is just me ranting into the void because my heads fucked and I do not know what else to do. (I know friends follow me on here so if you see this, no you did not. do not worry about me, that is the last thing I want) No one actually gets it do they?",Suicidal +26164,"third wave covid's hitting my country , which is under coup(no freedom, civilians murdered,all sorts of violence) and on the brink of economic collapse. On top of that I am naturally depressed, and these circumstances just remind me of how right i am that life is pointless, nth makes sense and everyday is suffering. My normal life routine has stopped since 2019, and seems to continue so. I am just really tired and hopeless at this point. everything is too much",Depression +26165,"And then it turns into ""Jesus Christ, just fucking get over yourself and do something about it instead of whining all the time"" I love when people show their true colors like that. Everyone is all ""you are valid"" until they are annoyed by you and then tell you to just cheer up or get over yourself Everyone pretends to be a Mental health advocate until they are annoyed or mildly inconvenienced",Depression +26166,"Hi, I know not many will read this, but I am actually curious if I will actually get any response to this.I am drunk to distract myself from depression and stress.I should actually do my homework for college right now but there is no motivation. Like always. Can anybody relate? Of course you can. This is my first ever post on social media, just to get any reaction of this world. This is so ridiculous. I am so drunk right now",Depression +26167,I hate my fucking life. Just suffering fucking 24/7 no joy or pleasure. Want to be fucking dead My life is fucking shit,Suicidal +26168,"Hi, I do not know how I arrived to this point but my brain said to me to ended everything and kill my self. I feel a heavy feeling like that is something preventing me to continue..even I do not know talk about it Suicidal thoughts",Suicidal +26169,"I guess I should preface this by saying that talking does not work. I am too damned stubborn in my baseless negative thoughts, and I do not want to burden my mom by telling her about anything so she can get me to a therapist. With that out of the way, I guess Ill just list all my mistakes that have led me here.1.) I do well in school but not well enough to go to a good college. No good college, no good job, shame for the rest of my life while my older sister flourishes.2.) I fear I am going to end up like my deadbeat dad. Id rather die than leech off of others like he does.3.) I am just not a good person. I am a downer, I do not have anything useful to offer anyone, and I am entirely replaceable.4.) my grandma just died 2 days ago, and my grandpa probably is not too far behind. that is probably the only thing that is slightly out of my control, though I did not spend as much time as I should have with them.But I suppose I cannot complain. Many more people have suffered much worse and still loved life. I am just a useless coward. I am giving up. A hydrocodone overdose is looking really tempting right now. Ill just tell my stupid little story and try to properly plan my death on my own time.",Suicidal +26170,The amount of times I have been called negative. I hate that people get mad at you for feeling this way,Suicidal +26171,Basically I was getting my life together just before my exams . that is what I really needed to be motivated to study to get decent grades. However today I had a fight with my dad. He told me I am a loser that the degree I chase after is useless and he does not want to see me anymore. That brought up past feelings in me since I had many fights with him in my past. The last few years our relationship was somewhat neutral. But now everything is going downhill and I am falling back down again. But yeah he is right I am a loser and a disgrace. I have tried for years to change it but I cannot go anymore. The pain is to much. I am thinking of getting drunk and drive against a tree or jump from a bridge. Fml. I was doing so good but now I just want to die.,Suicidal +26172,"I have some symptoms that i cannot find in a google search for depression.1- i feel like my head and face is very hot and flushed and it almost hurts my cheeks, very horrible2- i feel a weird sensation in my head that i can only explain as feeling nauseaus in my head. I know that does not make sense but its like I am aware of my head and it feels horrible and weak.3. Feel like i sometimes am about to faint and do everything i can to act normal so that no one can see how I am struggling. Like as if i have no sense of balance..4- arms and limbs feel weakI would really appreciate if anyone who has been through similar symptoms or knows that they are completely normal could assure me in the comments. Unusual symptoms or not?",Depression +26173,"I am 23 M - I am behind in my studies and am currently just lazing out at home on my dad's money. Just now my mom came and she shouted at me with tears and anger, saying.. How she is heartly praying for her own death because of me. How I am wasting my dad's hard earned money, how I do not even care about his health. How useless and ungrateful son I am to her and many such things. I only listened to her, stayed quite. Holding out my panic attack in front of her. I know how she feels, I am aware that I am a failure and unworthy person. I really blame myself every day, regarding all that she spoke of. I know what she said is all true. I am the worst kid any parents could ever have. I feel extremely guilty and like every other day I wish that I was never born. I know instead of whining here like this I should actually do something productive. I am totally aware of that. I truly despise myself from the bottom of my heart. I do not know what and how I should feel. My mom just slept crying. I am completely lost. I Deserve every amount of pain I can get.",Depression +26174,"Been a year and a day since my cat died. No one to talk through the pain with, no one to distract me from the pain, no one because every human I care about has been dead longer than that. And making new connections? Well I do not like most of you. I bring myself to tolerate one of you people once in a blue moon and quickly you infuriate me and make me regret it.I have long struggled to get along with people, but more and more I am finding myself disgusted and annoyed by humanity. This emptiness in my heart where love used to be, I have this desire to fill it with new love but I cannot even meet humans I like. Really this rant did not need to be posted but this is meant to be a blanket message for the people in my inbox asking me ""are you doing any better?"" NO I am NOT DOING ANY FUCKING BETTER. EVERYONE IS STILL DEAD, I am STILL ALONE, MAGIC did not FIX MY LIFE SOMEHOW, YOU CAN STOP ASKING BECAUSE IT IS NEVER GETTING BETTER! I have not even been posting on reddit and you fucking do-gooders are still in my inbox offering clichd advice that has nothing to do with my fucking life or situation. Maybe it worked for you and your broken marriage, or for your neglectful spouse, or whatever the fuck your issue is, but it has nothing to do with a misanthropic hermit who is disgusted by humanity. Everyone you care about, every last being on this planet you care about has to die before you can walk a mile in my shoes. So stop thinking you can give me any fucking advice when you still have happiness and love in your life, you do not know how it is to be devoid of it. &#x200B;This means all of you sending me check-up messages I did not ask for. I do not want your attention, I do not want your ""kind"" words. You are trying to be nice to a disturbed person to feel better about yourself, it is mental masturbation, it does nothing for me. You want to help me? Pay my rent. Get me high. Suck my cock, literally. I still hate this world, and I still hate you.",Depression +26175,"I have been sleeping excessively the past two days because its the closest I can get to death. I have never felt so close to committing before. As I wake up and doze off again I just plan out what I am going to say in my notes but I cannot even get up to write them. All the sharps in the house are gone now, so I was thinking of breaking the mirror in my room. But Ill probably pussy out. Just like last time. I wish I had the fucking guts to just get it over with. But Ill probably just go bad to bed lol. I cannot stand thinking. Being awake and having to think. do not even have the motivation to write my suicide notes",Suicidal +26176,"I know everyone is depressed because of social media and all but it still makes me mad how common it is. when I was 11-14 I barely knew anyone else who was depressed and I felt like it was a hidden part of my personality that I only shared with really specific people. it felt nice to be different but now I guess its corny since everyone wants to kts. in a way this has helped me kind of heal lol, it makes me want to be happy since no one is. I do not know why I feel this way gatekeeping depression",Depression +26177,"Friday I was let go of my Job. Saturday was my birthday. Sunday was spent in bed. Today I do not know what to do. Anxious about my finances, I received a letter today from the IRS stating that not only do I owe 6,099 in back taxes, that garnishment will begin immediately. Upon further reading it states that if you have quit or been terminated, your last check will be withheld in its entirety. Between child support and insurance for my beautiful daughter, I make less than $400 each and every biweekly pay check. Though stressful, I could deal with it. It left me just enough money to cover rent typically with little to no extra spending on anything. Sometimes I just could not eat for a few days but still came up with creative ways to find food. Now, I do not even have that $331 (average) check to get me through. I am headstrong and pretty resilient to the grips of depression. For the most part when the thought of suicide comes up, its for the benefits of others (financially). Having a child really put the kibosh on realistically contemplating it. However, that is a whole different story. I get to see my child 3-4 times a month. My childs mother lost her virginity to me when she was 17. I was 23. I am now 34. She was/is so smart. Graduating HS as valedictorian and her private school Summa cum laude. I, on the other had barely graduated HS. I was a talented musician who relied heavily on my wit, charm and decreasingly good looks. I am afraid to take her to court because I do not know how the court will view my taking her virginity at just slightly too young of an age. I live in fear of that. I care immensely for my daughters mother, but I can attest that we are not each others soul mate. Forgive my ramblings. The longer this gets the quicker I lose focus. I am just so deep in a hole, I do not know whether its worth trying climb out when the sides have turned to mud. Where to begin",Suicidal +26178,[ I think I will save suicide for another day,Suicidal +26179,"I lost my dog two months ago. I let him out to run for a bit at night and never saw him again. He was a lively dog and in my place, it is normal to let your dogs out and run around the neighborhood. I always thought he would come back. I thought maybe he just found a female dog and do dog stuff, but days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months.Now I am lying awake in my bed, crying my eyes out at the painful realization - he is gone. And I ask myself, why? Why did I let him out that night? Why could not I just waited for him to come back instead of sleeping and expecting he will be back in the morning? Why did not I give him more love and care? Why did I complain about cleaning his pee and shit? Why did not I hold him more? Why did not I hug him more when it was clear he loved being petted by me? Why did not I treat him better? Why did not I make his short life better? I do not even have proper pictures of him...I have so many regrets, and the heavy pain I have in my heart is pulling me down. I have taken my meds but them seem useless at this moment.I can only pray and hope that if he is gone, he would be in a happier place with all the other dogs I have lost.it is easier to accept death when I saw it with my own eyes. It was easier for me to accept my other dogs' deaths when I managed to properly say goodbye and bury them.But this heavy feeling of not knowing where my dog is, if he is alive or not, if he is okay, if he is trying to come back home, and in the worst case scenario, if he suffered before passing away. It hurts not knowing what happened and probably never getting answers.Wherever you are, I hope you are at peace. I love you. I lost my dog and I feel like a useless human being",Depression +26180,"The sickness is truth, embracing it gives me freedom. I feel like I can do anythingbut I rather do nothing bc that is the truth of everything bc to live is to lie. that is why its so painful, its a constant internal battle but when you embrace nothing all the pain..actually does not go away. You just accept it to the point you barely notice it. After awhile you will start to let go of other things until your to the point nothing phases you. Its like your ascendingto nothing. You become nothing and then your free. Nothing can hurt you bc there is nothing there.Its better this waythe truest way to live and you can end it any momentits powerful, liberating I am free",Depression +26181,"I know there is a top post about this already, but I wanted to write to hopefully get this off my chest. Life just seems completely meaningless, like there is nothing to live for. I am surrounded by people. People are fucking everywhere. I have lots of friends and possibilities to do just ""something"" are endless, but they all seem meaningless. I know what I live for, but when I cannot make any progress and any and all entertainment seems pointless, I just do not know what to live for. The feeling in itself is meaningless, because I know there is no intrinsic meaning to be found, so why is it there? I know it is triggered by boredom and loneliness, but only two days ago I was with my family the whole day. I did not speak to anyone yesterday or today, but I do not feel like that is very long at all. I should be able to entertain myself but how..... Life seems meaningless",Depression +26182,"I feel sick when thinking about living another day. I really do not want to, I cannot express with words how badly I do not want to. I am a mess. I cannot do this a moment longer How am I meant to do this",Depression +26183,"I was telling them how nervous I am feeling now that my work is talking about WFH privileges ending in a few of weeks due to Covid restrictions ending. They asked me why I would not be happy to be in the office again and I told them that I have always been bullied at school or work and so I just want to do my work and not socialise or whatever. I just want to do my task earn my pay and then enjoy my free time. I really like WFH, wearing a mask to hide my face and people keeping a distance I never want those things to end. I do not have any other friends but I am ok with it as I have given it a try and been hurt and let down so I am quite content just being at home on my own.they have never judged me before and I thought they understood how years of pain has made me wary of other human beings but today they said you are on a path to loneliness and they looked at me as if they were so disappointed in me and maybe not even like me anymore. Now I do not think I will tell them anything ever again. My worries and thoughts will be locked inside my head now forever. The one person I felt safe to share things with has now lost that trust.",Depression +26184,"I was dx w depression in 2007 and have been taking medications for the past several years that seem to be working okay. Not great, not terrible. Could possibly use some reeval. I lost my job in 3/2020 and was unemployed for 6 months, then lost that new job, and therefore my health insurance, in 4/2021 due to chronic health issues. I am currently working a seasonal temp job and cannot receive health insurance through it. I am not making enough money to afford private health insurance. I have been struggling with the most recent episode of MDE for a few months, and it has slowly been worsening as I am not not able to get my meds for either physical or mental diseases. I am completely out of energy and willpower to do anything: take a shower, make food, take a walk, color my coloring books. The longer this goes on, the less I am able to help myself to fight it. I am literally living to wake up to sit around and go back to sleep again. Need Help with No Insurance",Depression +26185,Its not a good thing but i cannot help it. I hate being alive. What will it take for me to take myylife away I find myself making fakeaccounts taking my frustrations out on people on here,Suicidal +26186,"I just feel so alone, everyday is the same as the previous and i do not know how much more i can handle. I have nobody around me that i will confident to go and talk to them about how i feel, not my family or friends. I barely talk to anyone nowadays, whenever I am alone often i start crying because of such thoughts, that nobody actually cares. I just wish i could have an actual best friend that would be there for me in these kind of times empty",Depression +26187,Knowing I have less than 6 months to live! I would KISS the floors of that hospital. Hospice is such an amazing place to be admitted to. I wish I had pancreatic cancer,Suicidal +26188,"I am a 15 year old male, living a busy social life, i get really down about money. My parents are generally well of but i am very concerned and always am wanting to make money and have an income. It gets to me everyday! Money",Depression +26189,"my depression and anxiety are chronic and I am beginning to realize that i am going to struggle with them for my entire life. I have been on fourteen (i think? I am beginning to lose track) different medications. I have done ECT and have had years of individual and group therapy. I have ""gotten help"" yet i still cannot handle any kind of stress or pressure. i can barely accomplish my tasks and get my classwork done. I am becoming an adult and i have no idea how I am going to be able to take care of myself, let alone my disabled sibling once my dad dies. i think I am fucked. i wish I had never been born. i do not know how I am supposed to live this life",Suicidal +26190,I cannot take the pain anymore Leaving makes more sense,Suicidal +26191,"(English is not my first language so I am sorry if there is any grammatical mistakes. )I am currently 23 and about to turn 24 this year. I have graduated from a university last year , but have yet to find myself a job due to this unknown sickness. It happens whenever I get emotional or under a hot temperature, my body will just overheat and causes immense unbearable psychological pain ( burning ,needle and itching sensation). I have no idea how to get rid of it , the only instant solution to this is by taking a cold and ice bath , but that is impossible if you are outdoor , and I can only rely on a water spray to minimize the pain and keep my body slightly cool. Sadly that does not help much either , since it is hard to spray under your clothing in public, and the ""partly hot partly cold and wet feelings"" just make it even worse.This has kept me from doing any kind of activities and even leaving my room , I have been telling my parents about this since 3 years ago , but they did not take it seriously and all they cared are whether I get my degree or not. Although they did not force me into finding a job after I have graduated , they still proceeded to ignore my issue and feelings , because according to their logic, they think I am just overly stressed and needed some time off , and while some part of this is true , what i really needed are some medical advice and treatment , yet they just remains silent everytime I bring this up, or just shift the topic to job seeking and how tolerable they are for ""allowing me"" to take an year off . what is worse is my dad is a doctor and my mom is a former nurse...And here I am , being a shut in everyday because it hurts going outside. Yes I know this is not a permanent solution and I cannot stay like this forever , but what can i do ? Can I even work like a normal person if I itch and suffer from psychological pain every 2 second ? Fuck no. I do not even know what is wrong with my body and what is the name of this disease or what sort of doctor should I seek for. it is even funnier to think that I can get itchy and pain just by drinking a hot soup or walking. At this point I am just a useless piece of junk that can only stay in my bed and rant on the internet. I seriously have no idea what to do anymore. Even if I type this out , nothing will change, and noone can help. I suffer from an unknown pain everyday for the last 3 years, and I just want to end everything now.",Suicidal +26192,"Hi,I feel very confused and lost at the time I am typing this. I have moments where I feel like I am coping with life and then there are times when I just want to stop. I feel extremely overwhelmed and I do not know what to do to distract myself and be productive. I am a 43-year-old male, in a committed relationship where me being a responsible, income-earning contributor is essential and there are a lot of times where I feel very close to just quitting my job and isolating myself. I am on medicine for many different conditions and I take them consistently. I am trying so hard but it feels like my body and my mind are determined to do the opposite of what it needs to do for me to stay afloat.I am sure there are a lot of people going through this, I know it is not just me and I am not complaining to get pity. I genuinely feel stuck. Ups and Downs",Depression +26193,"The contents of this post can be a tad concerning, but just so any kind souls reading this know - I AM getting help. Once you get depression, is it forever? Do you have to manage having depression for the rest of your life or is there a point where the depression goes away and you are happy like a normal person?I am 24. Every now and then, I feel like killing myself. I am not suicidal though. I do not even know how I would do it. My preferred way would be to push a button that turns my brain off permanently, but we live in reality unfortunately. I say I am not suicidal because I feel that way only every now and then. Sometimes, I am just bummed out in general, and have no interest in doing anything in life. What really scares me is, I do not want to spend the rest of my life spending many days thinking I do not want to live. It sounds like a shitty way to live. How long does depression last?",Depression +26194,The other night I thought I had took enough to overdose and I got scared shitless. I do not know why.. I do not know why I am so scared of death,Depression +26195,I do not want to live and I waited long enough to be sure about this. Please answer me How much fentanyl should I take to overdose?,Suicidal +26196,"I find myself coming in and out of depression and it never truly goes away for good. Sometimes I think I am okay and I am happy and grateful. Then I listen to a song or get reminded about my trauma and I fall back into that deep hole again. I want to heal. I really want to heal. Wish I can just turn it off. I hate this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I wonder if I am going to end up dying alone. No friends, no relationship. Just me watching movies at home alone Every. Single. Day .. Why is nothing interesting? When will the pain go away?",Depression +26197,"Like all the people that talked around me that day. The most memorable stuff gets echoed in my head, so loud. Everytime I think my life cannot get worse, it gets worse. Why am I even trying? Every time i close my eyes, echos keep screaming at me",Depression +26198,"I had my episodes before but this time is different or more of a mild episode? I do not know tbh. I am really clueless of what I am going through right now. I loved myself. But right now. All I feel is disappointment and disgust for what I see in the mirror. I lost the drive to talk to people because if I talk, all I can talk about are more about negative stuff and eventually, they will leave. I decided to keep my distance with people. Disconnected myself from social media (except Reddit, because people are less hostile here). I hope there is a rewind button to go back to those times where all things were fine or at least better than today. I want to hide my current shitty self",Suicidal +26199,"it is hard to explain but, to me, no matter what I do, I cannot seem to really ""fit"" in this world. Like my body is not me and I cannot live while I am in it. I feel this giant disconnect between who I am and who I think I am that it is impossible to focus. I know dissociation is common amongst trans people, but this just feels worse and HRT is not helping anymore. I am probably broken inside and I just want this pain to end. I cannot focus anymore",Suicidal +26200,I do not even know who 'myself' is anymore. As a kid I was able just to 'be' and people who liked me liked me and those who did not did not and I never really questioned it. Now it feels like I am constantly overthinking things - whether I am being too needy or not giving enough attention. it is all so overwhelming. I am constantly insecure and so demotivated.I literally do not enjoy anything. Depression makes me feel unable to be myself,Depression +26201,Nothing is worth it. I have nothing to live for. I hate existence. Also fuck Reddit mods for saying my post on wanting to die was promoting hate cannot even vent my feelings without being made feel like complete shit there is no reason for me to live anymore,Suicidal +26202,"A couple years ago I had a major mental health crisis. I had reached an absolute breaking point. I had a plan to ctb and was on my way to commit the act. On may way I thought the grief and shame would be unfair to my family. I reached for help instead. I faced hospitalization, was demoted at my job, countless conversations reliving my experience, countless medications that did nothing, ECT treatments, ketamine treatments, talk therapy and nothing helps. Now I feel the worst I have since my crisis. Still suicidal with a plans. However the 1 million questions game teaches to not share a lot of your plans details. They will just share it with your family thus making them suffer. I have really tried for the sake of my family but I am exhausted. Even the smallest amount of stress triggers me. I am thinking that it would be best to execute my plan. I feel like the options left are pointing that direction. Hopeless and lost",Depression +26203,Should a suicide note be written in the present or past tense? Weird question:,Suicidal +26204,"I see there is a common knowledge that depressed people drink and smoke to cope with their problems or just to sleep. And I am thinking, what is wrong with me? Why i cannot escape reality like them? Like every other normal people? Every now and then I try to drink something it just give me anxiety and make my attemps to falling asleep even harder. it is probably a good thing, but i feel so strange... I cannot escape, I literally do not have a way out Alcohol just give me anxiety",Depression +26205,"I am in my 20s and my family is broke I am already 35k(which is to only cover the first year idk how I am going to pay for next 3 years)in debt as I will be starting university in a few months abroad. I am surrounded by fake and toxic friends.One of my good friend turned out to be a fake and a manipulator who constantly lied to me and used me for favours and I when I spoke up he denied it and all the other friends did not take my situation seriously so nth happened about it.I feel so dead that nth is going right in my life and nth is fair for me and nobody listens or brings justice to me.I constantly carry this pain in my head all the time probably due to stress and have pain in my abdomen due to anxiety attacksThe only reason I am still have not committed sucide is that I do not want to give up, I know one day my life will turn around but I do not know how much long I can hold onto it. I am at the lowest point of my life and I do not know how much longer I can go on like this",Suicidal +26206,"I have friends I can talk to and did for like two days but I cannot always text them, like every nightAnd I am so alone in my feelings even when I tell them they are great people, but ofc they cannot fix my issues.. I already told them also so much, but my mind stays the same, I love them so much, but I cannot bare this loneliness that comes with my mental illnesses.. I feel like such a loser Fuck I feel so empty and alone everyday fuck I wish I could stab something in my heart",Suicidal +26207,"So some back story, my sister has always been my best friend. We have both struggled with mental health our whole lives and while I am starting to balance out she seems to keep getting worse and worse. We had been loving together with me supporting her with maintaining the household cleaning and it exhausted me. I got to the point where I no longer see her as my friend and it hurts.... I am at a loss with her, she does not seem to want to get to get better, will not take responsibility for the stressors she puts on herself, ex. She wants to emotional spend and then cannot afford bills and needs help. The most recent thing happened was she is not a clean person, and she never has been. I moved out of the house and across the state. I recently went back and walked into what can only be described as a pre hoarders situation. I fed her cats and one did not come down. I was genuinely concerned it might have died in the mess. I finally broke down and sent a picture of her bedroom to my mom. I finally told her that I failed her and could not keep up with my sister. I did not how else to help her. My dad reached out and apparently told her to either clean up or move out.(The house was owned by my parents and I was taking care of it for them while they were out of the country.) I went back this weekend and her room looked a ton better. My sister however told me if I ever tattled again then she would go no contact. I respect her decision but how do I show her that being supportive is not always coddling? That I want her to get better but I am at a loss for it. I have tried helping her clean, suggesting different coping methods and she always replies that she is too depressed to do anything about it. I just feel like she is perpetuating her own condition and it is breaking my heart. I am one step away from going no contact because it is hurting me so much. I know that this would not be the answer because of her health. I just feel like such a failure. I am about to lose my sister",Depression +26208,Please fucking just kill me. I want to kill myself so badly. I want to blow my head off so badly . I hate my fucking life and I hate myself. Please god just fucking kill me. God dammit,Suicidal +26209,"I cannot stop crying. I have been in so much emotional and mental stress that my body is hurting 10x more. I have not been this sad in awhile. it is the kind sad that lays deep in your chest. Almost like when you are anxious and the butterflies are in your tummy. But the butterflies are in my lungs and I cannot breathe right. No amount of crying or screaming or sobbing is taking away the pain. No amount of deep breathes are making it feel okay. I just so badly want to be okay. I want to be okay. I really just need to be okay.I have no where to put this anger. I used to hurt myself and that is all that I want right now. I just want to hurt myself because I hate myself. I am the reason I am this fucking miserable. Because my fucking body refuses to heal. I want so badly to hurt myself physically. it is the only thing that makes me feel better. I injure the thing that is causing me pain. And the pain I because myself helps me stop thinking of how shitty of an excuse of a human I am. I really do not think life should be this hard. If this is how it is suppose to be for me, then I want out.My body is in so much pain 24/7 that it starts feeling all mental. How long will I last like this? How long can someone go day by day in this much pain and not wish for death.This is where it gets tricky, because I love my family. But at this point all I do for my family is hold them back. And make them sad. I hate myself so much and I do not know how to stop. I want to hurt myself but I am already in so much pain. I want this all to just stop. I need strength. So badly. I feel like giving up.",Depression +26210,I sold my car and apartment and told my friends i am moving out of town. No one seemed sad about it so they will be fine when I am gone. Everyone is tired of me and my misery which i understand. There seems to be a future but I am still not sure if i can do it. I am still contemplating and have not told anyone about it. Soon i will have nothing but one more thing to give up. Then there is nothing. Nothing keeping me here. I am not sure if this is good or not. I do not understand. Nothing interesting,Suicidal +26211,I want it to end I am feeling so bad,Suicidal +26212,"Idk what to do at this point. I am constantly feeling like a failure in life & no matter how much i try to change it i always feel like people are looking at me as a failure or as if I am not enough, I have recently started cutting myself again and at this point I am not sure even if its worth being alive at this point with the feeling of everyone looking down on or everyone blaming me for something going wrong.. am i just that much of a shitty person? I cannot even fix myself because i still feel like ill never be enough. I am starting yo hate myself more no matter how much i try to correct things i do wrong in life or try to fix shitty situations in my life i feel like i cannot ever do shit right and everyone is looking down on me for it I am currently a botlle and a hlf in thinkjng blut where i should just end myself I have been thinkingnof it so long and i feel like that would make every situation better & everyone around me less bothered & annoyed At wits end",Suicidal +26213,"I am 13, thinking of staying up and not sleeping until my body gives up and passes away. that is basically my only option because anything else is impossible and I do not want to traumatize my mom and sister. Oh yeah and one of the biggest reasons I want to die is because my dad who I was very close to, passed away in July of 2020. He died of cardiac arrest/ severe health problems. Ever since then, I have been so weak and sensitive and I hate it. I was told this would make me stronger mentally but that was a fucking lie. I actually hate myself for this and its mostly the little things that actually hurt me. If disagrees with opinion that I think is pretty good, I would overthink it think in my head that my opinion was stupid or something like that. I am awkward, lonely, not very smart, and no confidence.I think my mom thinks I am a loser because I sit in my room all day doing whatever whether that is watching YouTube, playing video games etc. I have no motivation for anything and my attention span is also bad. My relationship with my sister is complicated, she is 4 years younger than me, smart for her age, and is better than me at most things. Now my mom always tells me I am surrounded by family and friends (for the passing of my dad) but the problem is I do not know 90% of your fucking family mom, and the people that I am close with, do not understand me! My friends are good friends I guess, but are too awkward to ask me about my day and feelings and that stuff, which is fine, were dumb teenage boys. My mental health is hard to put into words, but I just feel very lonely and worthless with no meaning. I just really hate myself. I really want to kill myself",Suicidal +26214,"another night of just lying here in bed wide awake because my brain will not shut the fuck up. I ran out alcohol to help me sleep and I do not think taking sleeping pills is good for me I might overdose and kms cannot sleep, brain overflowing with thoughts",Depression +26215,"And it is funny how that works. They need, you pay or else. You need, you can get fucked and die. Who cares. Scam ass society. Only way out with peace of mind is death. Nobody seems to care that you are not really there, until you owe them money.",Depression +26216,"I am on holiday right now and I did not pack enough of my meds because I am stupid, a few days without them I am fine but its scary how fast it gets bad again. I have not self harmed in ages but I am already getting the urges again, all I want to do is purposefully seek out my triggers to make myself feel worse. I do not think Ill ever be able to function without medication and I hate that so much I hate how non-functional I am without meds",Depression +26217,It only ever happens when I am reading or writing. It is this numbing escape in which my insecurities and doubts do not exist. I forget the worlds flaws and create a place in which they do not exist. Allas I am brought back to the sobering reality and am left imprisoned by my flaws. When I am away from reality I can imagine a life worth living.,Depression +26218,"My day feels like a void. Time is just dragging on. I have no one to talk to, I cannot find interest in doing anything, the things I force myself to do just to pass time I cannot stay focused on. I feel like a zombie and completely desperate to escape. Everything just feels endless with no relief anywhere. I hate how slow everything is with depression",Depression +26219,"I feel like my life has been the same shit everyday for the last 10 years. Work, come home, struggle to find anything that gives me joy, over eat because I am bored, go to sleep, wake up and do the same shit. I hate my job and have no transferable skills to go look for another job so I feel stuck. Too dumb to go back to school to get a degree that I can never do anything with. I am losing all my friends as time goes on. I deleted instagram from my phone for the last year because it was fucking me up mentally, but today got a weird log-in activity so I decided to just change the password on it and I ended up looking at all the posts and stories on there. And holy fuck it just destroyed me. Seeing people I know hanging out with each other, seeing people going out on vacations on boats with their SO. Seeing all these happy people just being happy; while I sit alone here on reddit contemplating if I should just end it. I do not think any form of therapy can help, because while I am fine discussing all the things that fucking suck in my life no amount of therapy is going to help people want to be around me. that is all I need/want; I just want to be around people. it is why I have resorted to getting escorts for physical affection, because even if it is fake and I have to pay for it, it is better than nothing. I think I am ready to just be done with it all. I cannot spend another 10 years living like this. I wish there was just like a secret code we could think of that would just switch our brains off completely. Life is stuck in a rut while going downhill",Suicidal +26220,"So recently, I have been having thoughts of death. Even though I have a great life (many friends, great parents, stable family, good income etc...), school has been taking a toll on me and has been putting stress on my parents. Now I do not want to die because of school, but I just kind of do not want to live with the pressure of an adult life. You see, I have no Idea what I want to do in the future and this has been stressing me since most people around me have already started in their career paths. I am way to afraid to commit suicide, but yesterday, without questioning, i just thought: ""what if a car just ran me over or a lightning struck me or something and I died, I will not ever have to grow up and deal with all this bullshit"". I hate school so much. Everyday i drag myself out of bed to commit to class fr 7 hours a day with mostly people and teachers i despise. Like i said idk the root of these thoughts since my life has always been great, so what the fuck is wrong with me???? Thoughts of Suicide even though I have a great life?",Suicidal +26221,"life so trash lmao, no one can say otherwise, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I am dying mentally",Suicidal +26222,"There are cases where I am asked as to why I am not active in the dating world and why I do not shoot my shot. I tell myself that I am simply not ready. Yet it stems from several factors. Not ready to be rejected, not ready to lose a friend, not ready to stir up any traumas from past relationships, and so on.But when will I ever be ready? First of all, I want to be ready for myself, to be happier, enjoy things and reconnect. Yet I keep spiraling into self deprecation and constant doubt. It feels empty, I know I cannot be ready if I do not acknowledge myself. But I really cannot find a reason as to why I like me. I have friends telling me that I am great and calm, but I do not see it in myself. I feel incomplete Silence and traumas",Depression +26223,I do not have anyone to celebrate with or even text and I feel really alone. I have been clean for 106 days but I really want to relapse. I do not think I have ever felt this close to killing myself before. I hope that writing this out will help me a bit but it probably will not. I feel so angry and upset that I just want to kill myself. it is my birthday and I am alone.,Suicidal +26224,"I feel like nothing really matters anymore. Everyone just leaves me. All the good things, all the good people. Everyone just leaves. Its like they want to be there for me but as soon as they see what a mess I am, they leave for their own sanity. I feel horrible. I just feel so alone. So exhausted. I cannot blame them... I am truly pathetic. I feel like it will be good if I am just gone yk? Some of them might mourn for a few days but in the end they will move on, will be happy wo me. At least they will not have to deal w my bs. Why am I like this? Why cannot I just have one person who will not give up on me?feel like I do not deserve anything. I am just done w my life. I do not feel like living anymore. Sorry yll have to read my bs",Depression +26225,"I have been depressed for months now and its starting to feel like its not just a temporary lack of chemicals or whatever. I feel shitty in a way that feels like a perfectly natural response to my life, my shortcomings, my regrets, my stupidity, my cowardess. It also feels like a normal response to how shitty, random, difficult, and scary life is. Has anybody been able to overcome this? Is it truly just my distorted view of things right now or is this something that will never get better no matter what I do? Depression or just reality?",Depression +26226,Just at this point I am a prisoner on my mind an see my mental is decline forget what words mean an see I am always going to get put down an reminded of my past or get blame an left alone or embarrassed like already am LOOKING FOR SOMEONE IN NEW YORK TO HELP ME DIE,Suicidal +26227,"Been crying everyday. I am so stressed. I have a presentation for work i do not know if i can go through with. I feel like i might lose my job over it if I cannot do it. Every day i wake up, it just feels like nothing. I have been this way for 15 years!!! How!!! I can barely remember happy times and when I do they are clouded in depression. I just hate feeling so bad. Tried every antidepressant under the sun. But most of all I am tired. I am so tired i do not know how long I can go without completely giving up laying in my bed until I am evicted then laying on the street till i die. that is how my depression and anxiety make me feel. And the worst part is society gives zero fucks in proportion to how painful this is for people. Sure, slogans and whatnot. But if it was really taken seriously, a lotttt more would be done. Just so tired. I hope some of you can find a little relief. Thoughts are with anyone browsing the sub. Depression replacing anxiety",Depression +26228,"I grew up in an extremely abusive and neglectful home with narcissistic parents. To say that I was constantly criticized, mocked, judged, and degraded would be an absolute understatement. I went no-contact roughly a year ago and have been trying to heal and work through my trauma. On paper, it would seem as if I am doing pretty damn well. I am 18 years old, a full-time college student at a great university, working full-time, completely on my own financially, and living in a big city. I have made the Dean's list every semester, work as a youth mentor for formerly homeless youth, and I am in a five-year social work master's program to get my BSW and MSW and become a clinical therapist. Despite all of these things I have going for me, I feel like I am drowning. I am completely physically and mentally exhausted from the toll that 18 years of abuse, chaos, and stress has taken on me. I deal with chronic suicidality and extreme internalized shame. My default is viewing myself as a defective, bad, worthless, embarrassing human being. With everything I do, these thoughts completely infiltrate my mind. It stops me from doing the things I want to out of fear of judgement and criticism. it is like I constantly fear the possibility that everyone else will see what I see. I feel like I have exhausted all of my options and I simply do not know what to do anymore. I have seen multiple therapists, psychiatrists, journaled, meditated, done yoga, said affirmations, listened to podcasts, read books about healing, tried 10+ different medications for depression, PTSD, anxiety, and have even gotten ketamine-infusions for treatment-resistant depression and suicidality. And yet, I still feel like at my core, everything is so pointless. I want to be able to wake up without wanting to die. Any advice or support would be so greatly appreciated, as I am having a really tough time right now. Advice or support for chronically suicidal 18 year old",Suicidal +26229,"I do not know if this subreddit allows crossposting so i just copy and pasted my post from the chronic fatigue sub. Even though the post is about fatigue, I also suffer from bipolar and depression so I thought it might fit here. Here goes:I have had tests done and nothing came up. I have tried a lot of things to get over it but nothing helped but I will not stop... maybe I will find the solution. I just want to rant. Life is horrible and it is so hard to enjoy things when I am so wiped out all the time. Life turned into a painful blur of tasks while I am just a zombie doing this, that, and the other... it just feels I am in a sort of personal hell. My potential is drained and there does not seem to be an answer in sight. Sometimes at night I get relief, and I juice the hell out of that feeling. I start thinking ""Man, life can really be nice"" only to be be found in a void the next day.To any of you reading this, remember you are not alone in this horrible strugle (be it chronic fatigue or depression).I cry for myself.I cry for you.I cry for us. It has been at least 10 years since I have had a good night's rest and I am tired of it all",Depression +26230,"Almost a year ago the company I work at shut down the building and moved everyone to working remotely. I was hesitant about it then and at this point I am just completely falling apart. My workspace is just feet from where I sleep at night (and it has to be there). I wake up in the morning next to my sleeping wife, roll out of bed, put on a pair of shorts, and clock in for the day. I do not get to see any of the friends I made at the office. I do not get to talk shit about corporate over a cup of coffee. I do not get to take a slow drive at night before I get home and destress myself before I get home. I am spiraling into a deep depression, my work stats are falling tremendously, and my attendance is flatlining but I do not feel I have any other options. Two+ years ago I was a career factory worker, working with high school friends at the local cheese factory, and I loved it. But it ended suddenly when I was in a life changing car accident and shattered half of my spine. I could no longer do any sort of labor/standing work and had to move to the city to find a desk job. The company I worked at was the only one who would hire a crippled factory worker with no customer service experience at the age of 20. They provided me with an orthapedic chair, a comfortable job, and secure source of income. Working in the building also gave me the social interaction I needed to make new friends here in a city I would never seen before. But then covid happened. Well over half our workforce jumped on the chance to work from home rather than on site but more than a few of us wanted to remain in the office and so we did, until corporate decided for us. They decided it was no-longer financially viable to keep the office building open and announced we had a month to vacate and be set up to work from our homes. So I moved all my stuff onto a cart and shoved it into the back of my Volkswagen. I got it home, put it on an old desk I had left in storage, set up some filing cabinets, and put my usual desk toys on it. At first I was enjoying amenities readily available to me by being in my own house. I knew the bathroom would be empty anytime I needed it, I could brew my own pot of coffee, and I have shelves and a fridge with snacks and meals loaded up in them. If I got to bored I could play with my dogs or turn on the TV behind me and play my old Xbox 360 on mute. But I knew it was lacking something major. No longer could I take off my headset and go storm outside after a shitty customer encounter and vent to a coworker doing the same while sucking down 3 cigarettes in record time. I could not take my foam football and play catch with my cubicle neighbors anymore. I could not start up a conversation with my boss where we picked apart all the issues we had with ""The Hobbit"" movies. We could not leave fun little surprises on each others desks, company Christmas was dead forever, and we no longer would share a meal together in the cafeteria on Thanksgiving. I just finally made a single friend outside of work but I cannot force myself into his space constantly, he has 2 kids and a wife to take care of first. I cannot go to the gym and burn off energy because I will physically hurt myself, I cannot go wander in any direction with a .22 and hunt for small game in a city, and I cannot go fishing in any of the commercial use waterways around me. I feel so alone, I feel like I no longer have a bedroom but instead an office space that I sleep in. My physical health is being affected even, I am getting sick more often, my body hurts more than normal, and I just never feel like I am fully awake anymore. I do not really know what help to ask for if I am being completely honest. Can anyone offer some advice, or emotional support, or even share some experience that can help me through this? Working From Home",Depression +26231,I have tried every single day this week I have snorted over a gram of fentanyl at a time Popped more kpins than I could ever handle Pressed bars gabbepettins Why the fuck do I keep waking up Why am I still hereI do not want to be here anymore I wish I knew how to shoot the dope but I do not know how and snorting it is not doing anything Every single day this week,Suicidal +26232,"my hands were shaking, felt heart palpitations I woke up & panicked to see if someone had replied me. I needed someone is affirmation. I felt lied to and used. & my mind cannot cope with the fact that I am thrown away again. I am at a loss woke up with anxiety",Depression +26233,"I do not even know why I am posting here to be honest. Ill most likely post this on from this throwaway account and then remove the throwaway account without ever looking at it again. I came across this sub today by chance and read through many peoples sad and heartbreaking stories, riddled with trauma, abuse and misfortune I do not know myself. I have not suffered any trauma at the hands of anyone other than myself and there is no sympathy to be had for me, even if I wanted it. I have been struggling with myself for as long as I can remember, back to Kindergarten at the very least and have always hated myself ever since. It seems to be a deep character flaw, that even when I am aware that I am displaying it, I am not fully aware of just how annoying, toxic and delusional I accurately am. Over the last 10 years or so, I have been slowly and methodically pushing everyone out of my life, family and friends, and have not even been fully conscious that I was doing so until recently in the last several years, when it was much too late and everyone had already gone. It really sunk in when my last best friend disappeared on me, and I spent forever thinking what a shitty person he is and passing the flaws off onto him. But in hindsight, he was the smartest friend I ever had for taking the initiative on his own. there is only one person left in my life physically, and I hate myself more and more each day that I have not relieved her of the burden that is me. Her exact words recently have reinforced my feelings here, and which help me understand that the problem is within me, and it is me. I do not know if my self-hatred will ever be able to successfully override my innate narcissism for me to actually go through with anything. I have been to therapy and been on meds and those things can be highly beneficial to many people, but I am an non-special outlier here I believe because I am flawed to my core. I have always known how to do it the easiest, most painless and least messy but I have never been able to override my selfishness and narcissism enough to legitimately come close. Each day now though seems to just draw closer and closer to my own doomsday clock. The culmination of my life",Suicidal +26234,"I am not ready yet. But if I decide I am. I need to know just how horrible the effects are of taking a bottle of hydroxizine, a bottle of trazadone, a bottle of Wellbutrin 150, a bottle of prazosin and a bottle of Prozac with a bottle of liquor would truly be. Coma? Seizure? Heart failure? All seem like a possibility when taken in overdose alone but curious how effective it could be if all taken at once.. Its simple",Depression +26235,"Idk why I still bother to reach for help when i know nobody can truly help me. I suppose it is just better to get it out of my head. I seriously feel like I might act on my thoughts. My mental health has declined dramatically and I find myself losing control more frequently and for longer periods of time. I have made plans and they are always the same plan. it is just a matter of having the right combination of circumstances active at the right time for me to act on it. I have reached out for medical help but the truth is, nobody will really do anything unless you are about to act on it that very second you call or until it is too late. I get into strange headspace where I do not really have control of myself and that is when I act strange and am likely to act on it. So I will not ring anyone or ask for help in those time... which makes it more scary because i do not truly want to die. There is nothing i can do. Sometimes I think maybe I should stop trying to help myself and just let it happen because I am sick of being stuck where I am right now I do not know why I am writing this",Suicidal +26236,"Since I was a kid I had access to any forms of media I wanted. Especially being from a poor country where piracy is the only way to consume things, I had literally any movie, game, book, tv show, comic etc... at my fingertips, available in 1 second. Any single one.And while there is like 10 different other factors that go into my depression and general fucked up life, I have been thinking that this extreme availability and consumption of media is definitely a small part of it.Idk what it is exactly, either dopamine burnout or something else. But it is definitely taken a lot of magic out of life. Consuming so much for so long made nothing interesting anymore. Everything is just boiled down to the bare minimum in my mind, it all seems predictable and repetitive. Do you think that one the factors (obviously not the main factor) of your depression was the excessive consumption and availability of media, the internet, video games?",Depression +26237,"I am a 19 year old, currently living with my parents. I think I will soon change that.My parents were abusive since I was a kid (they would hit me and I bled sometimes, my mom shoved my head against something in the bathroom when I was 9).Lately, I have been telling them that I was going to a friend's house and they started being really abusive towards me.My mom started saying that I should die and that she hoped to never succeed in life and she threw all the food I have brought and my belongings. My dad tells me that I should just listen to him that i am causing harm by going out and that I only have them.The truth is... I 've been going to see my boyfriend of 5 months and his mom, knowing about the situation, said that she would rent me an appartement. I accepted.But the truth is, it is very stressful, I may not see my family again, but they are hurting me so much... I do not know what I should do I have been feeling miserable, scared for the future and I have been thinking more and more about suicide, it is starting to become the better choice for me... I do not know what to do. I do not even have that much money. I have been feeling deeply suicidal these days. The suicidal thoughts are getting more frequent and harder to handle",Suicidal +26238,"I will not delve into my personal strifes, but I was hoping someone here could help me navigate to local suicide prevention & awareness faucets. Really I want to help in any way I can, though I do not know the way Hey fam, I am hand in hand with all of you",Suicidal +26239,I was and I say was because I called my doctor and told her I am stopping it.. I was on 10mg of Escitalopram and after almost a month of taking it (I had 6 pills left out of 30) I told her I could not handle the cold legs and feet and occasionally around my chest and rarely arms.. she told me to cold turkey because it was not even a month. Its been three days of not taking it and I feel the paresthesia I used to have coming back slowly besides knowing that it gives you paresthesia while taking it and discontinuing it as a side effect but it was more relaxing while taking it then never having and having to deal with the neuropathy symptoms.. It had pros such as 1. me taking a deep breath and not feeling that heavy rock on my chest. 2. Wanting to do more.3. Half and half on being anxious meaning i had days where I was not and was.4. Less depressed 5. No headaches anymoreCons. 1. Cold legs and feet since June 182. Anxious due to the cold feet/legs.. 3. Body temperature was all over.. I do not understand for a person that lives in the ER I did not pay a visit or exaggerate to get seen and tested. Blood panel was great according to Doctor. that is about it Other than that I had no common side effects. PLEASE GET BACK TO ME ON YOUR OPINION .. Hey guys sorry.,Depression +26240,I started Mirtazapine 6 days ago. I struggle to sleep and one of the things that made me want to try it was that I had heard it helps with that. The first 3 nights it acted like a sleeping pill and I went straight out. This seems to have stopped though. How long before bed should I be taking it and what is the best dosage to help you sleep. I am currently on 15mg. Also does the increased appetite ever go away? Mirtazapine?,Depression +26241,"I am just fucking exhausted. I cannot do this shit no more. My life is going nowhere and I do not even give a fuck anymore to try to change it. cannot get a full time job because I always fuck up interviews with the intense anxiety I get during them. I am fucking tired of working retail, I am fucking tired of applying to 20+ jobs a day, I am fucking tired of living with my parents, I am fucking tired of being in debt. I just want to die. It just hurts so bad. Ill definitely be gone before next year. My time is coming soon",Suicidal +26242,I am just with her for the kids and I do not know if I should stay. Every day I think about killing myself and I only do not because of my kids. How much pain can I take to try and save my kids from pain. I am afraid it is not much more. She cheated 4 years ago now and it still hurts,Suicidal +26243,"I hate everything. My life is shit. I cannot stop crying. I do not have many people. The ones I do have do not understand the depth of my sadness. They just give me advice, even when I tell them, ""I just need you to be there"". Their advice hurts more. I cannot do this anymore. Nothing good ever happens to me or people I love. Life is just pain. One bad thing after another. I cannot take it. I wish I did not have dreams because at least then I would not feel the pressure of having achieve them and I could just die. Hope is a burden.I have tried. A lot. With all my heart. All that spirituality and law of attraction bullshit. Nothing seems to be working. All it did was make me hate ""God"" more. I hate the world. it is so fucked up. Why should I live in a world where so many people have such amazing lives and others just have to suffer? I am so tired. I hate humans. I hate myself too, not completely but for the most part. Sorry my writing sucks I feel like shit right now. I just want to give up",Suicidal +26244,Is misery better than nothing? Assuming that nothing happens when you die. Question,Suicidal +26245,Its like people can sense that I am just broken inside and not an actual person. It does not help that I am completely replaceable (upgradable?) I am single because I am depressed,Depression +26246,"This is something I started doing more last year and I still cannot seem to stop. I always feel like everyone is better off without me so it would be better if I had no friends. So I seemingly try to ruin my friendships whenever I feel bad in order to protect the others from the monster I have become.Somehow it still seems like people care about me and it just makes them feel bad. Often I wish I could just get to the point where nobody likes me and I can finally die without causing pain to anyone.I mean hahaha, maybe Wellbutrin or a MAOI or ECT or rTMS will help. The psych ward called last week, but I did not pick up and I still have not called back. I just want to go back to sleep. I compulsively offend people to isolate myself, which I later regret.",Depression +26247,Not happy with anything about myself and I do not know how to fix I am so tired all the time In a chokehold,Depression +26248,Could being hypersexual be a side effect of depression?Or is it just my inability to control myself combined with past trauma? Hypersexuakity and depression.,Depression +26249,"I am just tired of being alone, there is people around but I am not interested in talking with them. I am so lonely all the time. I called for counselling its 3 weeks away and I only get 2 sessions covered. A psychiatrist is busy also and is a couple months waiting. How do you feel happy in life normally? So depressed",Depression +26250,"what is the point of existing in the melancholy of a word built on unequal terrain of despair and false hope. There are people who walk blind to the world and get to live happy and wonderful lifes but if your gaze if adverted and the truth is revealed is when the world get ugly and unforgiving. Were just toy puppets for someone to get amusement outa and nothing in return and if there is something it not even worth a single breath. And the things you care for and think you want well life will only give them to other people and keep you in the dark once you have seen the truth. If you are happy is only because it wants to you to because your blind and unknowing and watching you people is sickening, living your unfair and joyful life wail people a stuck under there feet because there better there is no better there is fair and unfair so I guess it time to get used to it Life",Depression +26251,"my mom (65f) just retired. she moved back into our childhood home a week ago after 13 years of essentially living alone. she put so much weight on her career and worked so hard her whole life and now feels like she has no purpose and is grieving her pre-retirement life. she is depressed and cries often. i try and sit with her, letting her know that retirement is major life change and it will take time to get used to. has anyone experienced this or know how to be supportive?I am (37f) single and have lived alone for the last almost 4 years. i moved in with her so she does not feel so overwhelmed. part of me moving in also has to do with the fact that my closest friend and one true love died by suicide 35 days ago. I am grieving hard, so I am finding it hard to be her support when i need so much support myself. advice on how to support a depressed, recently retired parent",Depression +26252,"I cannot breathe, or function well. Sometimes it seems impossible to keep going. I know that my life is fairly decent as far as lives go, but it seems most days recently that I cannot even get up and going, or if I can force my body to go, Ilm so exhausted it does not seem worth it. Overwhelmed",Depression +26253,I see all the hype about manifesting things and experiences for oneself and I thought I would be interesting to manifest death. Now I have 0 experience with manifestation but if it works for other things why would not it work for dying too? It would be perfect especially if you got to die the way you choose to. Well just a random thought as I am one those people who want their death to look like an accident but all the options are too gruesome or likely to fail and end up in some vegetative state.I do not know if people who manifest things are suicidal but it would be interesting to find out. Can you manifest death?,Suicidal +26254,I have nothing left. I cannot even off myself right. What I give to switch lives with someone who is abouttodie. I really want to leave this body. These scary tatics to end my life is not working. Igottahangmyself. Please any entity anyone with power please end me. I am going to end up in jail eventually for sleeping where i am. Will i do it when i get in jail. I sleep outside,Suicidal +26255,"I am thinking calmly and rationally about this, now. I am feeling more detached from the two friends I have and unable to open up (because it has had negative outcomes and now I am too scared). And I realize, the greater distance I have from them, the easier it is to let myself leave this world. It would be better for everyone too, I promise. I have been causing a lot of stress and overwhelm with horrible depressive episodes that just have not gotten better over four years (despite much treatment). I genuinely believe it is just better for me to go at this point. I have run out of options, I am tired of trying, I am tired of feeling alone. I cannot think of any reasons not to die anymore. I think the best thing would be for me to die",Suicidal +26256,"(english is not my first language, sry is there is any mistakes) Lately I have become really self-aware of the world I am living, especially since the pandemic (which honestly does not scare me a lot, I am more scared of the way the govern is controlling us now, sry), I am really damm afraid of the future, of the current politic and social changes...I am scared that my life will be meaningless. From a young age I always thought I would end up killing myself someday, some days I still believe that is how I am going to pass away. But lately it is a daily thought. I have been to therapy for a long while, did not help. I am afraid to ask for help because my life is not even special enough to deserve people's attention. I am way too scared of the future",Suicidal +26257,"I do not want to kill myself. Sometimes I wish I stopped existing but I still want to live. I just do not feel like I am living anymore, just alive. I do the same thing pretty much every day. I am slowly losing all motivation to work out, interact with my friends. I just tell myself ""of it gets really bad and life hurts too much, you can always kill yourself :) because nothing *really* matters, right?"" Is it normal to think about suicide every day? Like does everyone do it and just collectively not talk about it or am I an outlier?",Suicidal +26258,I have horrible procrastination and struggle to do even simple things because its just effort and I really do not want to and I cannot force myself or just power tho How do you guys get motivated to do what you have to every day?,Depression +26259,"ill keep this as short and sweet as I can. I lost most of my close friends through actions none other than my own. I understand sometimes that I am quite brash. Especially when feelings are involved. When I am upset I tend to say things i do not mean. This is hereditary, my grandfather was the same. I think its part of our 'condition'. None of those friends want anything to do with me anymore, I still grasp onto the delusion that they are excited to see me when I come back, but a part of me knows that is not true. it is very lonely without them. You have to pay for your actions. that is part of growing up I guess. To fill this void you must grow yourself, no one will do it for you. Find what you love and dive into it. Buy books about it, even if you work a irrelevant day job, squeeze a couple hours in everyday. &#x200B;Here are some rules I am trying to follow for myself:a) think before speaking, do not let feelings cloud your vision. b) do not drink or do drugs, that makes it so much harder to control what you are saying. c) learn towards your goal even if you are miles away. d) read and listen more. e) you are not the centre of peoples lives f) keep your ego in check (very important) g) learn from others as much as you can Musings on losing almost everything and self-improvement.",Depression +26260,"With almost half the summer gone by, I have watched virtually all of my ""friends"" disappear and vanish, contemplated suicide daily, become apathetic of life and adopted a nihilistic view of my future, and suffered verbal abuse from my parents about not doing anything with my life exactly because I am experiencing all of these things. Right now, I feel as if my mental capacity for social interaction and overall thinking has deteriorated so much that I am worried of how I will be in college. I want to have a free, independent, and enjoyable life in college, but I am not sure if I am mentally ready for that. I cannot consult a therapist for financial reasons and backlash from my parents, so what is my best course of action for me? I do not know if I am emotionally ready to go to college, and I am so scared about it",Depression +26261,I have nothing left. I cannot even off myself right. What I give to switch lives with someone who is abouttodiee. I really want to leave this body. These scary tatics to end my life is not working. Igottahangmyself. Please any entity anyone with power please end me. I am going to end up in jail eventually for sleeping where i am. Will i do it when i get in jail. I sleep outside. I do everything one can to end it all but I am cursed to keep living.,Suicidal +26262,I am sure most people of been alone At one point or another in their lives. I am sure some even have been physically I am all for great spans of time. I doubt if folks really know true misery of the heart being alone in your whole life that is something I cannot even find the words for. IdkIm soo tired. So tired people of pretending to give a fuck. Spitting meaningless words that are as empty as their souls. I am tried of being hated by my own household for something I had on control over. I am tried of being punished for a crime I do not not commit. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am of being judged the one let in close. I am tried of being lied to by them as well. I am tired of being treated as disposable.I am tired of life. Is it so wrong to want to close my eyes. There is not a single soul that was would lose a single night of sleep. I am soo tired of what I feel. I am just so tired of life. Alone,Depression +26263,sitting here with a blunt lit and a loaded gun next to me. I am scared of what is after this life but i swear it has to be better then living here and dealing with this. fed up,Suicidal +26264,"If you have talked about your suicidal thoughts to a therapist or GP, what was your experience? I feel like most do not want to talk about, while I felt I needed to talk about it. I am so alone with those thoughts.Two weeks ago I went to see my GP. That was so hard to do, but I have nowhere else I can go for help. I wanted to try meds again. I have chronic depression with episodes of severe depression and also social anxiety. Thoughts about suicide are getting stronger.He seemed alright. Also asked me about suicidal thoughts. I found it hard to talk about it to him. I do not know him and I have never really talked about it.He wants to prescribe me meds but first wanted to get some information about me from the last place I went to for an intake, because he does not know anything about me. He would call me later but did not. And after that day his vacation started and he will not be back for another week. I felt abanoned again. I asked for help and nothing. He knows I have no one else to go to. He knows I want to die.But he did ask more about my suicidal thoughts than previous health professionals.I have brought it up several times with a previous therapist and in intakes and the reaction was the same everytime: ''I am sorry you feel that way. It must feel really bad to feel this way. But suicide is a definitif soulution to a temporary problem'' They would asks if I have plans and who I should call if I am in ''danger''. And then would ask something else and the subject would change. Only my last therapist reacted different: ''if you really want to die, you can apply to the life end clinic (literally translated)'' (in my country there is a clinic which can give you euthanasy. it is not easy to get and most people who apply because of mental suffering like depression are rejected). She started asking me about it everytime I mentioned I wanted to die ( was severe depressed at that time). But I knew they would reject me, so I did not want to go through so much trouble, I would do it myself. But according to her that if I did not want to apply there I did not really want to die. And there was not talked about my thoughts or how to handle that.I have never really talked to anyone about these thoughts. I do not know what to do. I have googled, but all the sugestions I read I have already done. I have asked for help many times and nothing. Appearantly you should be able to talk to your therapist about it, but no. Not sure if the GP is the right person. You only get 10 or maybe 20 minutes a time. I also lost the little bit of thrust I had in him, because he did not hold his appointmet. And it is not therapy, he is not a therapist. He can direct me to one, but for the last 15 years I seem to get only shitty therapist. I have only had one that has helped me.I do not know what else to do. I am making plans to end it. it is not soon. It has to happen right. I need to take care of some things. I cannot go on living like this. I do not want to. The loneliness, the pain, everything.Sorry for the shitty writing. English is not my first language. Talking about suicdal thoughts to health professionals",Suicidal +26265,"I am a university student and I have missed a lot of school because I could not handle my depression. I have been able to get out of bed lately, but between being absent from all my classes for 2 months and being behind on all my schoolwork, I am too anxious to just start going to class again. I have classes every week and obviously it is impossible to catch up by the next class. Anyone else struggle with this? How do you deal with it? How do you start something again?",Depression +26266,"I have everything a kid could want. I have supportive, loving friends. I am smart and creative. I should be happy. But I am not. I have anxiety, depression, and OCD. Lately I have been struggling with thoughts of killing myself. I want it to be over. I do not have the strength to go on. Id rather have no life than a shit life. My parents hate me. they are right to do so. I have brought them nothing but hardships and sorrow and guilt. They deserve a different, better child. At the same time, I hate them. I hate them for being the main reason why I am so fucked up and broken. I hate them for giving life to me. So I hurt them with my harsh words until they are suffering, too. Only I do not feel better. I feel worse. I feel guilt. I will not say nobody loves me. But I will say nobody loves me enough to notice that I am struggling and help out. Not that I would want to burden them with my problematic life. They do not deserve that. Everyone would be happier if I was happier. But I cannot be happier. So should I continue being sad? would not it be easier to just not be at all? To stop existing? To die. Me and my broken brain",Suicidal +26267,I feel like I have done nothing and that I have wasted my high school years like I have missed out on what everybody else has done and it feels horrible my life is terrible because all I think about is how bad it is and I feel like no one else understands I am graduating,Depression +26268,I am 21 and have really bad depression and anxiety problems. I usually work a lot to occupy my time but I have days off coming up. How do I actually relax and enjoy my time and enjoy what I like to do? How to relax and enjoy things?,Depression +26269,"First off, I just want to say that I know they love and care about me. But it is just in the wrong ways... they just do not get me at all and they will try do shit for me that I really could not give less of a shit about.. I mean... I appreciate the thought but everything they do ""for me"" I just pretend to to along and enjoy for their sake.For example, when I got accepted into uni they took me to the cheesecake factory to celebrate even though they know in on a strict diet so I just got a salad while they all got full meals and cake etc.. just feel like nothings actually for me anymore tbh..I mean recently I just have not had the energy to shower or shave or get a haircut, anything really... and even though I look like a fkn hobo they still appear oblivious..I mean for the past four years I have been a major gym addict and I basically took a month off and just got fat and used food as a coping mechanism and they did not even notice...They just take so much credit away from me and say they helped me out with uni so much etc even though they would not have even know I applied/got accepted until after I told them. I am just sick of them being such hardasses... I hate my parents",Depression +26270,.....dealing with non-stop self-hatred and obsessively ruminating over every bad thing you have ever done to the point that all of your energy and motivation vanishes into the ether because you can never be a good person so why even bother? Any tips for.....,Suicidal +26271,The feeling never truly goes away. I am destined to die by suicide. I want to die.,Depression +26272,I do not think I would be welcome at Suicide Survivers because she did not die. Are there any subreddits or support groups that may help me get through this? I do not know how to help her. she is in another state. I would been calling her and texting her because I knew she was going through a tough time. She did not pick up or respond. I wish I could have done something more... My best friend tried to kill herself...,Suicidal +26273,"i feel like I am either on the verge of a break through or that I will be stuck like this forever the issue seems to go very deep. almost on a fundamental nature. you get what you get in life, and you make mistakes, and you have moments of happiness, but none of it is ever in your control, I cannot help but feel like I am imprisoned In a body. And that I desperately want life to mean so much more, or to see a truth, to get some kind relief that is not drug related for once, but the suffering goes on how do you stop hating yourself",Depression +26274,"Hello.I am sorry for taking up the time of whoever is reading this. But I have to get this off my chest, or just something to leave behind if I decide to end everything this week.I am from a third world country. I am a college student and my life came spiralling down ever since I joined college 3 years ago. I used to think college was going to be my starting point of a better life. Heh..boi was I wrong. I am from a middle class family, ever since childhood I have been having issues with managing my stress and anxiety. I am really not good at taking decisions. So as to choose my college, I just chose the one that looked good I guess. It cost a lot for the admission, but my family was supportive of me. The first year was fine, good almost, i got to know a few people I started involving myself with others. The 2nd year, I started relapsing to my anxiety because for the first time in my life, I failed at my subjects. that is where things started coming spiralling down. The year went the same way, my grades kept falling and in my third year, I fucked up really bad. My anxiety was at its maximum limits so could not study for the final exam, so I took the decision of cheating. I have cheated before, but not to this extent. I am not really good at it either. And i got caught during the exam. They failed me instantly and now I have to clear the subjects in my fourth and final year or else I am not graduating. The getting caught moment has traumatized me. I cannot sleep properly anymore. Everytime I shut my eyes, I see the lecturer who caught me stealing and I get terrible anxiety hits. I live with my mother who is often sick one way or the other. I wanted to study hard and get a good job so I can help her. But all that came crashing down again. Now in my final year, I could not complete my internship and the submission of the report is this week. So now I cannot do it, any it takes up half my grades. So I will not be graduating for sure. All these 4 years and the money that my family spent have gone to waste. My sister on the other hand is successful in her life and she has gotten a good job.I feel like I am a black mark in her life. And now I am going to become a bigger mark as the brother who could not graduate and wasted 4 years.I do not want her to suffer from my mistakes, I do not want my family to suffer for my mistakes. The society I live in is notorious for looking down on people who failed at achieving their goals. The concept of Depression and anxiety does not exist here. They think it is just another excuse for being lazy.My anxiety level is going through the roof. I cannot handle it anymore. I am afraid I might hurt my family if I go insane. So I want to end it all before that happens. My life, it is been a wild ride. there is a ton of stuff I wanted to do before I go. I do not want to die, I am scared. I have tried killing myself multiple times unknown to my family, but I was too scared to go all the way. But I have to do it. there is no way out, either I stay a burden or I let my family live happy. they are going to miss me for sometime but eventually they will move on.This is me signing off guys. I am 22. My birthday is on February, damn I wanted to go out on 25 to round it off. But I guess this is it. do not make the same mistakes I did. And help others in need :). I do not want to do it, but I have to.",Suicidal +26275,"Yesterday was miserable for me. A holiday I absolutley loved. Had friends and would always light fireworks off and just be teens and have fun. Now 22, no friends, and living alone sucks. I was so damn low yesterday. I am pretty sure I had an emotional breakdown. I was crying and yelling as I rolled around in my bed. How can anyone go from being so happy to literally wanting to stop existing? I do not get it. I am numb again. I do not know what to do anymore. 4th of July was a trigger",Depression +26276,I want to jump today. I think I am ready. Nobody is going to convince me not to kill myself. I am just worried that Ill get to the top of the bridge and freeze up. Does anybody know some ways I can make sure Ill jump when I get up there. I want to jump off a bridge today,Suicidal +26277,"Yesterday was miserable for me. A holiday I absolutley loved. Had friends and would always light fireworks off and just be teens and have fun. Now 22, no friends, and living alone sucks. I was so damn low yesterday. I am pretty sure I had an emotional breakdown. I was crying and yelling as I rolled around in my bed. How can anyone go from being so happy to literally wanting to stop existing? I do not get it. I am numb again. 4th of July was a trigger",Suicidal +26278,"Do you experience sudden mood shifts? Are there many ups and downs in your relationships? Do you find yourself engaging in impulsive behaviors (e.g., overeating, substance use, self- injury)?If so, researchers at the University of Kentucky are inviting you to participate in a study on borderline personality disorder. Eligible participants will be provided over 18 sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy at no cost. In addition to attending therapy sessions, research participation will involve completing a diagnostic interview to confirm eligibility, attending 2-3 follow up interviews, and completing online questionnaires. All study visits may take place in-person or via Telehealth. Participants will be compensated up to $75 for the completion of follow-up interviews.You may be eligible to participate if you:* Meet criteria for borderline personality disorder following a study assessment* Are NOT using certain substances (i.e., opioids, methamphetamine)* Are 18 years or olderFor more information:TIPS Research Program: [ UK Clinic for Emotional Health[tipslab@uky.edu](mailto:tipslab@uky.edu) Treatment Study for Borderline Personality Disorder [for residents of Kentucky]",Depression +26279,I have known this girl for years and we got together. We both know eachother alot and always been there for each other. But a week ago she had a problem with someone and made up with them. She called me from work on break and then after that call was the last one. Now we barely talk. Maybe a snapchat photo every couple hours but that is it. I say I love you and that I miss you to her. But she leaves me on read or just gives a half way reply. I do not know what I did wrong. I always try and talk to her. I always wrote her good morning paragraphs to try and lighten her mood. But maybe I am just got enough for her or just not enough in general.I am sorry for ranting but I try and talk to others and it really does nothing and I just needed to vent. I hope you all have a better day and week compared to me. Relationship,Depression +26280,"I do not even feel adequately sad to feel this way lol. I am just generally a very lazy person. Work has been so boring and stressful. Barely any time to do fun things anymore. Not that I had anything fun or anything happy to look forward to anyways lol. Meh I do not see the point in struggling through everything. what is the point lol. Is there going to be some point in the future where I will just feel peace proportional to this time period and I will suddenly understand how this time period has helped me grow and makes it worth it? It will not come suddenly, it has to come from my choices right? Well evidently I have not been making many good choices so far and the effort does not seem to be worth it haha. Life's been losing color every day since last march. It occurred to me that in college I have never really considered this an option but now i really think its an option. I will probably start researching ways soon. Not there yet but getting closer every day",Suicidal +26281,"Why would i even bother anymore? it is litterally proven by biology and psychology, that peoples subconscious mind automatically sees asymmetrical faces as ugly. I had 1 chance of living a healthy and happy life, and all of this have i miserably failed at just because god or who knows decided for me to have an asymmetrical face. WHY FKN ME???. I come from a pretty city with pretty people. Everyone is happy, besides me. And this is much worse than people think. My eyes, my jaw, my forehead, my cheekbones. ITS LITTERALLY 2 DIFFERENT FACES, WITH DIFFERENT HEIGHT AND SIZE. Idk even know what caused this. Maybe i was born with it? Or because of my teeth or my posture???? IDK. Why should not i just kill myself? Yes i have BDD aswell, but I am completely aware of my situation. I completely now what my face looks like, and i know why it is ugly. Anyone born with my face would already have killed themselfs, or later in life. Living with this deformity is not worth it. Attractiveness is everything i ever wanted in life. Attractiveness is litterally the recipe for happiness. If i cannot be attractive, i do not want to exist. NO ONES knows how i feel. Asymmetrical development of the skull, is the sickest fkn mental torture to a person. I have never in my 18 years of living, seen someone as Asymmetrical as myself. So honestly, why should not i just kill myself? what is the point of living with this deformity? And i know if someone tells me ""I am beautiful"", i know they are lying. Because it is fucking proven by science that my face is UGLY. I already accepted that i will properly kill myself in the future. Who would not with the worst assymetrical face in the history of existence?. If a doctor could fix my face with me having a 1% chance of survival, i would do it 100%. Getting a 1% chance of living just 1 day with a asymmetrical face is my dream. I cannot live like this anymore. People call me ugly. Science call me ugly. I call myself ugly. And the only thing i want in life is to be attractive. So what is really the point of me existing? Not worth living with an asymmetrical face.",Depression +26282,"Sometimes I just do not know. Nothing happened. It just went from feeling good to i cannot stand the pain anymore. Just like in a snap.I cannot do anything against it, even tho I am trying, really trying to keep on fighting and to feel good and to cope with anything. But sometimes I just cannot.Do you know this too or am I alone with this? Do you know the question: ""What happened today, what made you feel sad?""",Depression +26283,"I am just tired. And I know those around me are tired of dealing with me. Dealing with a failed marriage. Those around me have distanced themselves to some degree because I have grown cold. My wife has given up because I do not show any emotion anymore. Not the good ones anyways. I have been dealing with myself so long that I hate who I have become. Anytime I have any kind of issue my first thought is just ending it now. Its not just one thing that triggers me its anything. I have come close several times but always chicken out. Being raised in a religious environment always pulls me back because according to my beliefs suicide is a cardinal sin that sends you to hell. Honestly I feel trapt. I feel trapt in a living hell and I feel trapt in an eternal hell. I do not even really believe in hell but the thought is in the back of my head. The only bright spot in my life in the last six months is a really close friend who has decided I am not worth her time and has shut me out. It was nice being important to someone, but since she does not care anymore what is the point? Why am I here anymore? What is it going to hurt if I am gone? Why is relieving everyone is burden including my own such a bad thing? Honestly I am one person in billions? Why the fuck should I be punished for this? I am just fucking tired. I think anyone dealing with suicidal thoughts can agree it is exhausting",Suicidal +26284,"21m before anyone says hydrate or exercise or hit showers please do not nothing gives me enjoyment. my dad left for 2 weeks and I have been alone the past days smoking all day because its the only thing that let us me not panic and become overwhelmed with how lonely i am. whenever i try to play games or watch tv i have 0 interest, porn or sleeping has completely no effect on me anymore. i sleep 11-13 hours a day as is, i cannot eat anything even though i have doordash money set aside, a house full of groceries, and tons of fruits and vegetables but everything sounds disgusting or i just have flat out no appetite. i have a car but my anxiety has made it impossible to go anywhere so I have been isolated in my apartment. its starting to get to a point where smoking weed feels like a chore, just to give myself enough comfort to cope with my loneliness. i reached out to a friend but since we have not spoke in a bit due to me not talking to anyone during this i do not know if he would want to hangout and i cannot exactly say hey I am depressed it would be really nice to have some human one on one time because you do not want to guilt them. had some difficult thoughts last night and i frequently talk aloud my very emotional thoughts at night. i feel like I am going crazy. i have a dr appt tomorrow for anti depressants but i do not know if I am strong enough to start this process alone but i do not know how long i can continue without it. this is tough and scary and I am kind of freaking out here. what do i do",Depression +26285,"Hi I am a california resident - I say this in case anyone knows of any resources too- but I have been severely traumatized, abused, culturally erased, kidnapped and sexually abused since I was a baby. This was all done to me by my family. I am biracial Asian and white and my white American family stole me from Asia and abused me, and did not allow me to continue to speak mandarin/Hakkanese, nor see my Asian family. My white mother stole me and she literally had a white husband waiting for me when she stole me from my real father. I was then designated as a victim of abuse and Cinderella. They had their own biological child and I became a maid for her too. This all happened in the early 90s. I am in my 30s now. I have been called pretty all my life but I did not understand this til recently / I never looked in the mirror much because it brought up PTSD CPTSD. I look so much more like my father than my mother. I could not bare to look at myself. I am realizing I have been a people pleaser and a servant my whole life. I cannot stand looking at myself. I cannot stand being alive and I tried to call mental health facilities but they are all focused on substance abuse. I need mental help. Does anyone have suggestions??? Suicidal Ideation",Suicidal +26286,"When did you know? Like, when did you think Hmm, something is not normal? I just graduated from therapy when my therapist said that she thinks my anxiety was under control, and it is. But I never talked to her about being depressed, because I did not think I was. I do not know if I am depressed, but I hate myself and I am so tired. I am not a good wife, and after two miscarriages we decided to put off trying. I am a teacher and I love my job but I hate feeling like I am never good enough. I am just tired. When did you know you were depressed?",Depression +26287,"""I am happy..."" ""So happy to..."" ""Wow, sth is so exciting/I am so excited..."" I cannot keep hearing/reading these phrases without sensing a sort of rejection from within. It feels like I have not felt it since so long ago that it is become a completely alien feeling to me. Is it the world that is trying to put up a ""happy"" facade and make every basic thing ""exciting"" or is it just me who is becoming so alienated I can hardly feel like a human anymore? The concept of happiness is starting to feel nauseating.",Depression +26288,"I will admit, I was once depressed a few years ago when I would been sadistically bullied into depression by some toxic people at my middle school who spread rumors. Toxically pestered me everyday during lunch (when my elementary school bff moved away). Also having a person physically shove me against locker room walls because they thought it was funny.I honestly do not feel depressed anymore. But that does not entirely stop me from contemplating on just the situation of a life I suppose we all are in, and being a lil glum about maybe how sad it all is.Like, there is always a feeling of melancholy after a fun day with friends and family. Because it is like, eventually you would not be able to just see them anymore out of whatever reasons life just puts forth. In what business of a circumstance or just state of living you would have to be in. Death perhaps? How much more time do I have with these human beings before they are gone? Years just pass by in a blink of an eye and your friends and lovers are all moving away, along their separate paths. you are just left to find new friends who will repeat the same process of leaving you behind in some form. (I am a high school rising Junior having recently moved to a different high school during the pandemic. And I have made friends.)And I suppose the amount of hard work you would be willing to put into a successful much of a future eventually dwindles down to the instance which people end up using you for your success. And do not exactly think of you outside of the image of which you have come to present yourself as successful. If you become successful enough, I suppose you become just an isolated image of success of which no one exactly can relate to, and just are intimidated by your presence, without really getting to know you.As for the other life's other non-human relationship fun stuff, I mean, being on this planet for some few <= 80 years, these fun activities become repetitive and sort of just loose their meaning. I guess you have all done it before. Or will do it all some time. Why am I doing this? And why is this fun?And it is that all these fun and happy instances of which you are to be living are not exactly as long lasting as you might hope. That they all dwindle down to just the feeling of pain which leaves when all these feelings of joy just fade or die away as sadness takes hold. And it is that, perhaps pain is the natural state of which we are presented to live in. And it is as if we are just trapped in this sphere of a blue world. If you are a faithful person, maybe your faith gives you a meaning that you are supposed to accomplish a goal out of your life. But is not this goal a mode of which you are to be used by others?There are just too many instances to be sad as opposed to being happy. And it is just, do I want to continue living if all this sense of happiness is just a toxic reminder of the pain and sadness of the natural world when it is all over?tl-dr: the meaning of life does not feel very happy. but are not we just all waiting for death?...",Suicidal +26289,"I look at old photos of me and I cannot remember or seem to imagine that was me. I was happy and I did not even realize it. I have been through a lot throughout my life(19F). I feel like everything changed three years ago. I used to have so much fun with my family, and friends. Now I did not seem to have any fun in doing the things I used to do. Mind you, I had a toxic relationship and maybe that contributed to me becoming a different person. I also dealt with a toxic job, and problems with school. I got pregnant twice finishing high school, but I chose to abort because of my personal issues. My dad cheated on my mom and abandoned my family, so I no longer have any contact with him. I do not talk to my high school friends anymore either. I am now single, lonely and scarred for life. I feel like I have an eating disorder, anxiety, and depression. I feel like if I am trapped in a black hole and I cannot get out. I feel like I am not shining anymore like how I used to. I feel gloomy and I know this is not me. I always see everyone my age on social media partying and having fun with their friends and it makes me sad. I know my life is not over yet, but I feel like there is no point in anything anymore. I stopped working and going to college too. I wish I could change my mistakes I made in the past, and maybe my life could be different right now. I feel like I am not myself anymore",Depression +26290,"going to get five replies maybe none do not care even as I am typing this out what is the point. I find people boring. I do not like drinking. I do not like hanging out because the main activity in that is talking and what is there to talk about? I cannot connect with people. there is something missing. Something they have that I do not; or maybe something I have that they do not? Its like a flat line on those heart monitors they use in the hospital when I talk to people. Maybe a few brief moments of an upward jolt, but mostly a flat line, nothing there. Sometimes Id rather not be here. I exist though. This is my template. So if I am human that means I must be natural, not abnormal, because I have a brain, legs, and hands like everyone else. No medication. No need. Can function normally and do not have a chronic condition. Hopefully I disappear and this all ends no more typing this is getting boring now you can judge me negatively because I spoke out I know you want me gone because I am not like you :) Title",Depression +26291,"I just turned 25, I am unemployed. The unemployment rate keeps getting higher and higher in my country. I have never had a relationship only sexual encounters no love. Girls think I am too ugly. I feel okay about my looks but girls seem not to think the same. I have severe social anxiety. cannot make friends easily. 25 AND GOING NOWHERE",Depression +26292,"I just recently got into a relationship with an amazing person. they have been through so much lately, and I know it would hurt them if I was gone. But I just cannot do this. Is there any way I could lessen the blow to my girlfriend? I feel terrible for saying stuff like this, but I do not know who else to go to. I Need Help",Suicidal +26293,"I cannot find a job. I do not know a single person my age that is able to live independently. I do not know anyone that has a job in their field of choice. I am afraid of being raped again. I am afraid of someone calling the police on me for having a public meltdown again. The fucking ocean is on fire AGAIN. I cannot go outside because of how hot it is. I am disabled and will never get better. Everyone I know has been raped at least once in their life or sexually assaulted. Is life just one trauma after the other? I cannot help but think this way. My life has been littered with molestation and rape ever since I was 4. I live in the United States. I have seen three shootings up-close. I have seen so many people die. I am only 21, is it always going to be like this? How do other people continue to live when the world is literally constantly on fire? I feel like its only time before I am sexually assaulted again. I am afraid of leaving my house. I cannot get anything done. How does everyone do it? why is life just one trauma after the other?",Suicidal +26294,A few weeks ago I lost my parents and both siblings in a car accident. The loss of my entire family has completely ruined me. To make matters worse a month before this happened my girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up and had been struggling a ton with that. I have absolutely no one. I have been in the darkest place imaginable ever since. I have barely slept since and when I do manage a couple hours I wake up with the worst nightmares and a full blown panic attack so bad I feel as if I am having a heart attack. Almost every night I have the most vivid dreams of the accident and of my family telling me how much they miss me. I cannot eat and have lost 30 lbs. I have not been able to go back to work since. I do not know how to continue with life and I do not want to. I have lost everything and my life is withering away day by day. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and remind you all to be grateful for every little thing you have everyday. I am not looking for a pity party. I just have no one to talk to. God help me. Lost my entire family in a car accident,Depression +26295,"I do not think I need to say anything else.I am just very fed up of this all and I just want to sleep. Broken, Hopeless, and Hearing voices. Mentally exhausted.",Depression +26296,"Is it really worth all the trouble? My biggest concern is that I put all this time and effort in, just to hate it and realize it will not really help me get a job after I am out. I am 26, I have worked about 8 different jobs in the last 5 years, and I have about 40 college credits, I am also depressed and suicidal. Main reason I signed those papers was because I thought it would help me catch up to my peers and have a normal life for once. Almost every time I am depressed it is because I feel like I did not do anything in life. Sure I am married but that is it, I do not have kids, do not have a career, do not have friends or a social life. I pretty much just stay home, clean the house, and watch TV or play video games. I am starting to think that the military will not help me get that ""normal life"" I want so badly, in fact I was denied a job because of being on standby for the military. I do not know if it is better that I just catch up on my own, instead of joining the military. Advice please? Should I join the military to help me ""catch up"" in life? Or should I go another route?",Depression +26297,if my girlfriend is not here then there is no point. losing her would be like losing myself because i just know we are connected. i need to find a way to kill myself soon and in the meantime ill just rot away in bed I am just going to leave myself here to die,Suicidal +26298,"Through out the years there will be moments I want to do it. Then i will be fine and it will stop, but I know its always been there. Like that little bastard who is just waiting for the right opportunity to creep in my thoughts, and now i think its got me. I just want to be peaceful, I am just tired of constantly putting people down and being mentally drained all the time. I would love some support but my family and my husband just will not take any of this shit. For once I want to feel how it is to be taken care of. But i guess that is not happening here. Maybe in another life or distant world? Maybe my spirit will travel in an awesome space where I will be free from all of these? Dang that would be nice. Courage to do it",Suicidal +26299,I wish i could squeeze myself to death I just want to curl up n die,Suicidal +26300,"I have the most amazing, loving parents and sibling for whom I would do anything and sacrifice everything. I also have food on my table everyday, a roof over my head, phones, a console, a laptop, stable internet etc. yet I hate my life. I do not think there has been a day where the thought of dying has not crossed my mind. I just feel... Sad. I feel like a spoiled brat who is faking these feelings and should be grateful for everything he has, I feel like a good for nothing idiot who only knows how to disappoint and worry people and I also feel like a waste of space who has nothing interesting to say and annoys people in social situations. I try and hide these feelings in order to not worry my family but I cannot be bothered with anything anymore. I have also tried having a more positive outlook on life, lying to myself that if I were to try harder everything would be better. That has not worked. I do not even know why I am venting here when I have everything I could ever want in life. I just want to disappear. I have been blessed with a wonderful life but, i cannot remember the last time I genuinely felt happy.",Depression +26301,"hi everyone, I am sorry to put this much baggage on your shoulders but I have nowhere else to go and could use a little bit of empty as I cannot bear this anymore.I am almost 30 years old, I have been struggling with depression for the last 16 years, always on and off, some days are great some others are unbearable pain and suffering, it is such a horrible roller coaster of emotions that I cannot handle anymore.these last 6 years were great, I only felt suicidal a couple of times which was a breathe of fresh air, I spent those 6 years with my beautiful girlfriend, I thought to myself, this is it, I am here to stay, this is my calling, my reason to be here, to love this woman to the very end, I pictured us together, Grey hair and wrinkles, sat next to each other just watching the sun set, happy...i poured my heart and soul on this relationship, I changed jobs multiple times every time taking a step forward in my career, I started working out, even when there was a discussion the last thing I would say at night was ""I love you"" I avoided anything that would make her uncomfortable, never gave her a reason to be jealous, we had our differences and would get into trouble for that but I would encourage open communication, sometimes it worked...yet I am still back here in this sub, after 6 years she put an end to the relationship, she was not feeling loved anymore, what did I did wrong, in trying to understand, i found out she started to talk to a guy in another country, she blocked me from social media so I could not see what she posts, we still talk we are still intimate but there is this hollowness growing inside me, she has made it clear, we are not meant to be together, I feel used, I feel robbed, I feel alone, everyday the pain just grows and grows, it is impossible to handle, i feel so broken again, it is so painful to just breath, this pressure in my chest, the hollow breaths, the frustration, the anxiety, hell I am even typing this during a meeting, I am not functional anymore, I do not want to grow older anymore, I am scared I might lose my job, I do not have anyone to listen to me, I realize I was just trying to find temporary solutions to a permanent problem, I do not fit in this world and I cannot force myself to try to fit anymore, last week I tried therapy but it is too late for me, the trauma of this pain will haunt me forever. everyone night before I go to sleep I spend at least 3 hours crying my eyes out, I try to choke myself with a belt but the fear stops me every time, it is been 3 weeks like this, I wish I could just stop breathing, but I feel guilty, I feel guilty just for being alive and I feel guit, I do not want to leave my mother alone, I would rather die by an illness of accident so she could cash out my life insurance but I am too healthy to die like that, why do I feel like this? she was never a good parent, I mean she tried I guess, I do not know, it just pains me to see my pictures as a child and see what I have become, no one deserve to live like this yet here I am, I hope this will be my last day, I have bought a helium tank and wish I have the will to carry on with this, if the fear takes over again, I guess I will see you around, but it do not get to read you again I wish you all find the peace you are looking forthank you for your time cannot handle this anymore",Suicidal +26302,"Has anyone tried it ? I have been on it for 2 weeks. And feel fantastic. I commute far for work, I was always exhausted and kind of cranky etc. But ever since being on it the tables have turned, I feel alot more energetic and happy. St John's worts",Depression +26303,"18 - male Depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxietySo this is not really a life story I am just sitting here on the floor by the heater and I just feel like my world's falling to pieces I feel the same nothing all the time I have been on heaps of medications and none have worked and I have been in and out of the phycho ward 5 times already and I am thinking I really need to go back but I hate it and my family needs me, my life just sucks so much I need help",Depression +26304,"when i am very depressed, it is like a black hole that sucks sleepiness. so i just lie there for days without fucking sleeping. anybody else relate? what the actual fuck do i do its been a problem for years every time i have a episode the sleep blanket will not arrive",Depression +26305,"When I mentioned to my friend that I just wished I was pair of floating eyeballs in this world with no body, just observing everything, she said You already told me that once before. The feeling of perceived is an especially horrifying thought for me for some reason, even more so now that I am 24. I do not know what brought over this sudden phobia but many times I caught myself thinking I wish I could disappear forever. Maybe its the idea of having to exist more than a viewer is what is upsetting to me. Maybe I do not want to participate in Life anymore. Do all the things I have to do when I am supposed to. I thought about running away. But what am I running away from? To where? Should I do it now? What about my job? Does anything even matter?I started taking antidepressants yesterday and everything stated above may be a result of that but maybe not. I just wish I could understand what I am feeling honestly. But I really do not. I am feeling numb about people that I care about. I have no interest in living any longer. I really do not care for the future. I am showing no interest in dating, having and raising a family, hobbies, just enjoying my life in general. My life is mostly empty but I am not trying to fill it, it seems. there is nothing I want to fantasize about. This is something I would have to live with. I feel like no matter what happens, I will be sad for the rest of my life. And nothing will change that. I wish I could put more effort into me but its hard to find a reason to. I am aware its starting to affect my relationships with friends and family but my apathy is greater. I want to be unapologetically me. Wear what I want, do what I want without any fear. And I find myself wishing that was me when I see others living out their best lives. I wish I could do little things day to day but I am so overwhelmed and I am impatient because I want results like yesterday but that is not possible so nothing changes. just stuck",Depression +26306,"I have the most amazing, loving parents and sibling for whom I would do anything and sacrifice everything. I also have food on my table everyday, a roof over my head, phones, a console, a laptop, stable internet etc. yet I hate my life. I do not think there has been a day where the thought of dying has not crossed my mind. I just feel... Sad. I feel like a spoiled brat who is faking these feelings and should be grateful for everything he has, I feel like a good for nothing idiot who only knows how to disappoint and worry people and I also feel like a waste of space who has nothing interesting to say and annoys people in social situations. I try and hide these feelings in order to not worry my family but I cannot be bothered with anything anymore. I have also tried having a more positive outlook on life, lying to myself that if I were to try harder everything would be better. That has not worked. I do not even know why I am venting here when I have everything I could ever want in life. I just want to dissappear. I hate myself because I have been blessed with a wonderful life but, I cannot remember the last time I have genuenly felt happy.",Depression +26307,"The internal screaming, the waking up and crying, the self-loathing ... none of it is as terrifying as the the numbness of the silence. The point of depression when you just lie down and accept defeat, when you become so emotionally numb that you cannot cry anymore or drum up the hurt and the anger of the earlier days of depression.Suddenly, you are a zombie. Suddenly, there is no fight left in you. Suddenly, death seems to be the only release.I do not know if I am going to survive this. The deafening silence of depression is the scariest thing of all",Depression +26308,"I have had a recent scare where I came very close to falling back into self harm and ever since then I have been feeling extremely apathetic, nothing is interesting, nothing is good or bad, I am honestly at the point to where I wish I could be sad just so I can feel something. Now I am starting to feel like it is backwards and terrible that I want to purposefully feel sad, is that wrong of me? I have tried so hard throughout my life to try and not be sad but now I am finding myself wishing for it. I honestly do not know what is going on and I do not know where to go.",Suicidal +26309,I am currently driving to a large bridge. I am going to jump. I have reached out for help but I feel like my life is in shambles too much to repair it. This seems like the only way out. I am sorry to my loved ones. I am on my way to jump,Suicidal +26310,M 30 Going to lose my only job that I got after a long struggle and I do not think I will find a job ever again because of not having any skills and basically stupid and worthless to live like this Going down the rabbit hole again,Depression +26311,"I cannot take this anymore. I am somewhat happy, but i hate my mindset, my laziness, my loneliness and environment around me. There is no future for me, I am 100% sure. This world is not for me. I am serving in military right now, I cannot socialize at all cuz they are talking different language. Every tuesday we are practicing at shooting range, this is a perfect place to end it all. I do not want to feel bad ever again. Shooting range incident",Suicidal +26312,"The title says it all. I hate my life. The only reason why I am here is because my mother is mentally ill and used me to baby trap my father. You can imagine how ""happy"" they are in their marriage, LOL. Both my parents hated me until I was routinely at the top of my class. Then I was their prized only child. But that did not stop the emotional and physical abuse that I endured until I left home. I did everything that I was ""expected"" to do: I went to college and got/kept a good job. But did I live well? Nope. I developed a chronic illness for which there is currently no cure. it is not deadly, but it is progressive. While I have never been fired from my jobs, I have never been promoted because of it. So while I can pay the bills, I am not thriving. Currently, my employer is trying to cajole me back to the office, even though they *know* it is an ADA violation: my metrics are the best in the department *while at home* and I have provided documentation that remote work is a necessity. Getting partnered or dating is out of the question. I could never fully trust a man (or anyone really) to stick by me if this thing gets worse, and it very well might in the next few years. Within the past year, I have had COVID-19 (yes, it exists) and suffered complications as a result. What especially sucked was that I was having a period of fewer symptoms up until I contracted the virus. My health has not recovered and it has only limited me more. People leave their partners over the constant changes and unpredictability. it is not right, it is not fair, yet that is human nature. Friends and family do not care, either. The thing is, people get weird when you are ill, especially if you are unable to do the same things in the same way. Thanks to the current pandemic, I cannot leave my house except in very limited circumstances, even fully vaccinated because I am immunocompromised. They treat me like I am a nutter and act like *nothing has happened* in the past 1.5 years because it suits them. Meanwhile, they ignore my attempts to come half-way and ridicule my choices to protect myself. You might ask why I do not get ""new friends""? Try doing that at 38 in a pandemic when most people my age are married, pregnant/childed, and are only looking for fresh babysitters. They really are not interested in making friends with a single woman who will not be a babysitter on call. So I am alone and my body's a ticking time bomb. I have tried everything -- doctors, diets, exercise, yoga, stress reduction. Nothing has helped long-term. Honestly, I just wish that it would kill me already, but I have not yet been that lucky. No one would honestly care if I did commit suicide. Yeah, they might be ""sad"" insofar as they would be afraid that someone might ask *them* if they knew I was suicidal. But after a time, I would be forgotten. To be honest, I actually do not mind. I am just tired of suffering in silence. No one would care if I did it, so I am just biding time until I decide it is time",Suicidal +26313,"I am writing this while crying the hardest I have ever cried my life. So hard that my eyes are all red and my head feels like is going to blow.I cannot keep going, i just cannot. I have been fighting with depression my whole life and it has finally won. A year ago i left my life behind trying to deal with my suicidal thoughs and depression and now I am suffering cuz of it. I am trying to fix my grades but I keep failing again and again. I keep failing at everything I try to doMy sister called a hour ago and we talked for more than an hour. She kept telling me how embarrassed our family is with me, how i am just a useless idiot, and I am the black ship. Just because I am failing school. A month ago she even told me to go and kill myself. Why why do they feel like that. I do not smoke, I do not do drugs I never NEVER brought any problems to my family. I respected them and all that. Yet just because I am failing at school they will not care about me anymore.And I keep trying guys I am really trying. And I just cannot do this anymore. I just cannot. So I will stop. I want to end it all. And If I do not change my mind I hope I do not fail at this too. Ending it all",Depression +26314,I wish I could run around everywhere.I wish that my only worry was that the teacher left too much homework.I wish that my parents were still together.I wish that I could see my mom once more.I wish that I could be happy.Happy as I used to be. I just wish I could be a kid again,Depression +26315,anyone know if i can rent a gun at a shooting range and kill myself that way?? wanted to do pistol in the mouth but now i might just go for shotgun to the head since getting a pistol license will probably take too long. want to be gone by next week shooting range,Suicidal +26316,I have nothing. I have nobody. I do not want to be here I am not special to anyone,Depression +26317,"I literally ruined my life with my own insecurities. I was in school for criminal justice, a golden ticket to becoming a law enforcement officer essentially, got into a relationship and things got hazy because of my bullshit. Shortly after our two year mark and living together, I got physically abusive towards her, to the point where I was arrested and charged accordingly. Stripping me of my education, and any plan I had for my future. Thinking my life was so planned out and that nothing would go wrong. I learned so much about myself and completed my programming which opened me up to so much more in what I see wrong with myself. I am still together with my partner to this day after this, and I want to move on, but society refuses to let me. My last job I had, I was treated harshly, forced to work 80 hours to cover shifts or be fired because I am a felon and will not find anything else. I know I am better than that, so I left that job. But its so true. I have not found anything since. Job sites for felons, all these places that I am over qualified for based on my education and work history, but because I am a felon, I am not a good fit. Its been almost 4 years and the entirety of it feels like just yesterday with no end or hope in sight. Suicide sounds like such a right answer, but I know that I cannot leave my loved ones let alone my son. I have no friends anymore because they think they have my case figured out and because I am still in a relationship with her, comments of you will be alright bro or you will figure it out. My counselor says the same things to me that people with records figure it out and become something, but almost everything feels like I am just settling for less because I know I have so much potential and am overly-intelligent, but at the same time, I know I wasted 90% of it with my actions. I am sure Ill look back on this and say to myself It just took time, but I feel like I will not ever make it there and stay forever trapped in this limbo that I have been in for the last 4 years. I cannot even have a conversation anymore with my partner because of the burden I feel like I am placing when I hurt her too. I know she forgives me and were over it, but I just feel so alone and trapped. Nothing helps, jobs continue to deny on my conviction, I am in a new degree but even then I am not guaranteed to be able to use it because of my record. Hating myself does not even summarize this feeling Will it ever get better?",Depression +26318,"Hi,I will keep it brief. I have taken 84 iburpofen pills (400 mg each) but now that I took them I am not so sure of my plan. Do you think that I should go to the hospital or just sit it out? Should I go to the hospital?",Suicidal +26319,"its not in a i will kms anyways kind of way its that i never studird for school and will not do well in the uni exam (i am living in asia/middle east btw) and because of that will never live a good life. i will never have money i will never havr a car or a good phone and i cannot blame anyone but myselfi did not study and now that i am at the year where i should have been studying and doimg well and i am not. ""school is not the most important thing"" but it is.worst part is i do not have courage to commit suicide but if i do even for a split second i will not hesitate.my mom always says schools grades jobs do not matter whenever someone we know dies from cancer i hope i get cancer as well maybe they will not matter thensorry for the typos i am kind of having a severe panic attack and my english is not that good. hi just realized i do not have a future",Suicidal +26320,"My family does not want me to die neither do my friends, and we will I figured out that by trading in forex I can get to millions of dollars and then I can sleep my life away while having a supply of food and having my expenses paid for Finally found my way to suicide without actually suiciding",Suicidal +26321,"I want to commit suicide already... I have been stuck in a toxic/abusive family for 6 years, and a family member just committed a criminal act on me. I have decided not to pursue my case, but things have been going so bad. I cannot leave my house because my bank passcode and passport are with my family. I want to die, I really cannot take this anymore. Life at a crisis shelter or foster family looks bleak to me, cos I seldom hear of happy stories after children are transferred to foster or crisis places. Please, let me die... I want to kill myself",Depression +26322,I try to give hints that I am not ok but it seems like people notice and ignore it. I told my mom about my anxiety and now she acts like it just does not exist. It seems like I am that one person that everyone looks over or nobody cares about and it makes me want to kill myself sometimes. At this point I am waiting to get the impulse or urge because I want to die but i will not do anything about it. I know i should tell someone and open up but I am afraid of oversharing or that people will not take me serious. i feel alone but its my fault,Depression +26323,"Been struggling a lot lately with my depression, the only thing that seems to make me feel anything is taking care of my girlfriend. I do stuff for her take care of her, and just help her as much as I possibly can. Is this normal or is something wrong with me? Struggling but still trying.",Depression +26324,"So recently I feel so less energetic, like half the man I use to be. I do not have any motivation either it seems. I nap a lot, go to sleep late. Everyday in the same. And my vision has this weird thing to where I feel like I have had 2-3 beers, like a buzzed vision field. Everything just seems bleh. Its harder to do everyday activities, and this next part sounds nasty but oh well. I use to be the most higenijc person ever, but lately its hard to feel the need too. I feel like not me, its harder to be social as well. I just do not know. Is this depression?",Depression +26325,"I generally wake up extremely anxious and hopeless. As the day goes on, it tends to get better, but I still have extreme waves/bouts of hopelessness and sadness that hit me like a truck. It makes me feel sick and occurs at random. Always cannot help but feel something is physically wrong with me despite negative blood work and MRI. Does the severity of your depression fluctuate throughout the day?",Depression +26326,"I have recently been enlightened to the fact that I was a mistake and that my parents never really wanted me, they were happy with my other two siblings and I was just an accident(mistake). I have been going through depression and suicidal thoughts for the past 14 years and I always had a reason to stay but recently after finding that out I feel like I do not have a reason anymore. I cry almost everyday at the thought of my kids growing up without me but I feel like nothing would change if I left this world.I am not really looking for help just a place to finally be able to say these words without criticism. Thank you. My recent findings about myself have put me in a state of unrest.",Suicidal +26327,I can tell I am getting bad again. I hate when I get like this. I wish I could be who I was before all of this. I used to be so bright. I am slowly destroying myself and all of my relationships and all I can do is watch as I burn them all to the ground. Getting bad again.,Depression +26328,I am sorry to bother you off but i cannot take it anymore i want to die. I have been crying for an hour now and I have tried to slit my wrists but my knife will not cut. I am hesitating to take a train ticket to lorient and throw myself under the railroad tracks. if i hang myself my father will find my body and i do not want to do that to him. I know that you have your own life and your own problems. the day before yesterday I tried an overdose of medication but it did not work. I do not know who to turn to. the psychiatrist I have does not trust him. going back to the psychiatric hospital I do not want to fall back on the other people who are used to the place. I am alone at home for 3-4 days and I am afraid to do something stupid. (sorry for the poor language i used a translator) I am affraid to do something stupid,Suicidal +26329,"Hey, I am posting this on a throwaway account for obvious reasons.. Also, english is not my first language.But I just graduated my last year in school, and I feel really hopeless. Like idk what to do now when school's out. And I do not really know my own personality or what I want to do, because all through school I have been faking who I am, being a class clown etc. just to get accepted and make friends. I went through a pretty rough break up with my first girlfriend about a year ago, and after this break up I have not been able to perform in bed with other girls (performance anxiety), which ultimately has now led me to just not wanting anything to do with girls.. I have tried Viagra etc. but it did not work. and for each time I could not get it up my anxiety has just become worse.Now I am alone in my room, just hopeless, wishing I could sleep forever. Like I have no motivation to do anything, I just end up drinking and/or smoking weed and watch YouTube/Netflix. I do have a job, which I like because it is something to do, but as soon as I leave I just feel really whack... I was hoping someone here could give me some encouragement or support.. Insecure and depressed",Depression +26330,"I know I do not want to continue facing perpetual bullshit. I fucking know. I know I do NOT want to live. Contrary, I do not want to transfer my pain onto others. So, here is my question, seriously. How can I make my suicide look like an accident? it is a simple question. It is NOT a good option to stick around and deal with constant physical and mental pain, it is a hellish option. People will be more hurt by suicide, they will be less hurt by an accident. I know it is inevitable, the pain. But at least it dosnt have to look like a suicide. Please help me get the cycle to stop at me. When I go out I want that pain to die with me. Ok, I have came to the point.",Suicidal +26331,Hello just got my first prescription of anti-depressants and was wondering what time I should take them what is the best time to take 50mg of sertraline?,Depression +26332,"i do not know if its ok to post twice in 24 hours but i keep thinking about it and i think i have a plan and date for when i die. It does not feel very solid but i guess it depends on how well this trip I am going on goes. I think the hotel we are staying at has a balcony and though I am terrified of heights i cannot stop vividly imagining climbing over the railing. Everything just feels like its lost meaning and is not interesting anymore. I want to be excited for this trip but all I have thought about is how depressed I have been and when ill end it. I relapsed again last night but I have told no one close to me about how bad I have gotten. It just does not feel worth the time to tell them. they will just get upset and probably try to get me to go to a mental hospital or another therapist but i do not have the patience for it. I doubt ill do anything on this trip but the thought is tempting. Even if i do enjoy myself and have fun though ill just go back home and go back to feeling empty and shit. I have put small signs to try and tell my friends I am not okay but i doubt i made them noticeable enough. Not like anyone would see the evidence of my relapse either. I feel so apathetic to the consequences of my suicide that it makes me more and more convinced I am going to go through with it. there is just nothing else for me to live for, i never wanted to live this long. I do not want to put in any more effort anymore. I think it will be this month. Before i turn twenty at the least. I do not want to start working again and lose the opportunity to do it. I think i have everything id need to do it, i did a bit of research for it to try and make it foolproof. If i really need more though it would not be hard to get it with some excuse. I do not care about the effects my death will have anymore. it will just hold me back. Maybe i should write a note and post it for opinions. I do not know anymore i think i have a plan",Suicidal +26333,"I really do not understand, my family is... Ok, they do not bully me or abuse me, they are supportive and try to help sometimes and I am fucking useless! So, good people.But when I talk with any member of my family or hear their voices sometimes my fingers literally curl, i feel the urge to scratch my arms and I start being suicidal, which I am even without them and it is not because of them, but my family really makes me wish I did not exist. when I am ignored and it feels like no one knows I exist I relax.At this point I really do not know what is wrong with me. I mean i want to kill myself, sure, but the way I react to family members bothers me more than wanting to die, it makes me panic and fills my head with unwanted thoughts. And it is very very stressful Talking to my family makes me suicidal",Depression +26334,i almost attempted last night and am at work today. i am really lightheaded and my brain is just not here and i feel like I am going to burst into tears after every two seconds. i do not have any time off hours to use so i do not know if i can go home. i do not know what to do but i feel awful at work after almost attempting,Suicidal +26335,"less than an hour ago, i purchased something online that will help me kill myself.they say alienation is one factor that pushes someone to complete suicide. alienation is what pushed me to make that purchase. it feels like i have no one i can talk to about my feelings.it feels like i have exhausted both the professional mental health services, and any friends i had. friends cannot take me saying ""i am hurting"". they respond back with essentially saying ""i no longer have enough reserves to care about your feelings"".i have no one in real life anymore to turn to. i have never made a post here on r/suicidewatch. i have always been the one responding.when my order comes from online, i will have a method to kill myself. i feel like i have to take seriously the idea of if i want to kill myself or not. i do not want to do it impulsively.i fear that in the afterlife, i will regret wasting the privileges and personality that i have now. it feels like I am trying to find some philisophical clarity about when it would be right to kill myself, vs not.i wish that the feelings and pain trapped inside of me could be listened to without judgement. i wish that i could be cared about by someone. the trapped pain intensifies my suicidality. my emotions have become deadened, now. i do not feel much of anything right now. possible turning point",Suicidal +26336,"I have built my whole life about making money from music. I have put 20 years into it only for Covid to take it away. Ever single option to make money from music requires more money than you earn from doing it. I had started to finally make money from my music skills and then covid killed the industry I was working in. I am not going to go back and work in fucking retail again for idiots. I have paid my dues. Id rather be dead than not follow my dreams. Id rather be dead than fail. I have tried every single passive income stream I can think of to make money and have made 0. I feel fucking invisible. I cannot stop crying, I cannot myself out of this. No one has a right to success but I thought hard work and dedication would count for something but it just feels like a waste of time. A waste of my life. Enough.",Suicidal +26337,I have had problems for so long and I have always had this one girl who kept me going and stopped me from hurting myself and so many people told me she liked me but I just waited to long and now I asked and fucked it and it feel like there is no point of staying and there is no one cares about me and I just feel so alone and like there no point of even going anymore.So yeah I feel like there no other way,Suicidal +26338,"I have been thinking about it since childhood, recent and past traumas have been eating me up. I think I might use the cord I use to charge all my batteries, I am too scared to bleed out seems too painful. I am alone, friends gone, loved ones gone, people who promise one thing yet where are they. Hopefully Ill make it to 21 and maybe Ill meet new people, but this might be the year I do it. Goodbye, cheers to anyone who made it to see this post. This might be the year",Suicidal +26339,"Hi, it is me, I do not really understand what is going on with myself right now I feel like I am faking depression and I have no idea how to stop, I really do want to stop, I know this is not the place to ask this but those anyone know how to stop. Thanks. I cannot understand what is going on",Depression +26340,"I made a post the other day about losing a girl who actually liked me and cared me. Due to my own ego. I have never had a girl care about me like that before and I fucked up. Not only did I fuck up something good for me but I also hurt her. I cannot live this. I will never forgive myself, I do not want to because you just do not HURT people who cared about you. I think about breaking her trust. I think about how she felt when I left without saying anything. While I may have thought it was not that serious, she was hurting probably doubting herself and seeing herself as the problem. I apologized through FB messenger and even though I did, the guilt and regret are still there. I am now added to her list of guys who hurt her. I have gotten back into self harm because I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to bleed. I hate myself for this. there is no taking what I did back and it disturbs me SO much. I am a piece of shit and will carry this for the rest of my life which I pray ends soon. I will never forgive myself for hurting her",Depression +26341,For me the only reason is fear. I am terrified that I will fail and become a vegetable or end up locked away in a psych ward. I am not insane I just want to have a choice. Why have not you done it already?,Suicidal +26342,"This is a throwaway account and I am a teenager so please, ignore the edgy username.When you think about it, life is meaningless. We were born in a universe billions of years old (theoretically) and, will exist for trillions of more. It is literally impossible for us to determine its vastness; everything living in it (currently to out knowledge, just earthlings) are mere chuck on molecules and chemical reactions that are keeping us alive. The very act of thinking is fundamentally just a chemical reaction--a electronic charge in our brain.Of course, if the universe has a meaning or not has nothing to do with our individual meaning and enjoyment of life, which brings me to my problem. For the last 5 years I fell into the hole of nihilism.We have found comfort many concepts and ideology, such as religion or family, friends and our loved-ones. Some believe that the existence of life is in itself, worth living. For me, those concepts arrive at dead-end whenever I question it further. It becomes irrelevant. The idea of good or evil, true or false becomes nothing. I think everybody, deep-down understands this fact--chooses to ignore it from the existential horror and anxiety it brings. Personally, these artificial constructs has no effect on the reality that we all face--the reality I feel.Look at how far we have came. The economical, scientifical and technological advancement we has made that allowed us to connect through digitally. Yet, what is the point, really? Reality is when you die nothing will exist any longer. If you try to give death a mathematical equation, it will be 0=infinity. No time has passed but every time there will be has passes as well. It is like an escape to the inescapable curse that is nihilism. Once you see it you can never unsee it.I do not understand why I do not want to die, yet wants to die so badly. I do not even know what to write on the title.",Suicidal +26343,"I have no idea what to do at this point. I have had sleeping problems for years, but it was never TOO crippling, just falling asleep would take me 2-3 hours sometimes, so ""only some"" time wasted, but I would usually temporarily fix it every few weeks. But For the past 4 or 5 months it got so bad that most of my time was spent in bed, falling asleep would take 4/5 hours and sometimes I would not even get any sleep at all, at times 2 nights in a row, and during the day I would feel like a zombie. And absolutely no method worked. Tried meditation, exercises, changing my diet, meds, drugs, even getting drunk to sleep where I typically never drink. Would have completely botched my university semester if not for online lessons and cheating on exams like crazy. Fixing the sleep schedule was my main goal for those past months and since a week ago I actually did it. Regularly going to sleep and waking up at consistent hours for 6-8 hours of sleep. Problem is, I still feel just as tired and lethargic. Starting to suspect it is really just the stress and me being unable to deal with insecurities and past traumas. Everything I do either fails or frustrates and tires me. I would often draw to relax and try working on creating my own video game since it is been my dream for years but I am absolutely unable to focus on either. I do not even have anyone to talk to about it. My family never understood me and we are on bad terms for some years anyway. The friends I have had for years are only called friends because I dislike the word ""buddies"". Recently I got closer to a group of people online who I care for deeply and do my best to support when they have it hard, but I realized it is not a mutual feeling and whenever I would bring up some of my issues they would often get dismissed or met with a ""lol"" or the attention would go to someone else mentioning their problem. At this point I do not really care though. I just want to be able to focus on stuff I am doing. I am sick of wasting time doing nothing. I tried various non-prescription meds to help concentrate but nothing works and when I would ask a doc to give me strong stuff (back when I was looking for sleeping pills or the like) he would refuse, saying that I will only get addicted and ruin my health. My passions and pastimes no longer give me any joy and I cannot do them. Can medicine help? What kind? What to do?",Depression +26344,"That after all the pain, suffering and misery I have put others and myself through, that it is not my calling in life. I have been there, done that, and I am not about it at all. I vow to try to help people from here on out, and to help myself in relation. I think a lot of you put yourselves down so much for your past bullshit that you do not realize it either. But like the quote goes, always look for the helpers because they are always there, and I would prefer to help then to hurt at this point in my life. I have caused enough troubles, now I want to try to be a solution to other ppl's problems. I may not make it far and I may fail, but as long as I gave it my best honest shot from this moment forward, I can rest easy. I realized something today...",Depression +26345,Death is such an unknown and scary thing. When I was young my wish was to become immortal and live forever. But now I have trouble getting through all the insecurities and intrusive thoughts that I am struggling with. I really want to end this but at the same time I am just scared. I do not know what to do. I feel like I want to die but I just cannot,Suicidal +26346,I am depressed cannot think about anything except failure,Depression +26347,"I am clearly seeking attention. I am a attention seeker.I cringe at the attempts I make to seek attention. No one cares about me They do not even want to watch a movie with me. The antics I do just for people to glance at me are just sad. I have lost the ability to talk properly I have forgotten spelling grammar and other things. The words that come out of my mouth are all designed from years of experience to get a reaction. Even that, is now losing its charm as they are getting more immune to it. I basically have to pretend to ignore what they said when they call my name just so they will have something to say to me. In that brief moment where they want a simple chore done I have all the power. I just want to have a conversation without getting screamed at. Also apparently Couple of times now I have woke up in bed screaming and moving. I do not belive I screamed at all and they are just lying to me. But while sleepy I had like a split second of memory maybe just constructed by my brain of screaming at something. I just do not know why I have to pretend that my dad has just gone for a trip just to trick my brain from stopping to think about him. I an having thoughts of jumping from my terrace. I am a good person I only bully bullies but I just cannot stop blaming myself for what happened in my brain I have to die for not praying or just doing something different in the past that whould have stopped what happened. Not one of my friends have called me last month fr my bday. Am I just a lair? Am I loser? I just cringe at myself for every single thing I do I cannot physically stand my face and have stopped looking at the ugly top half if me in the mirror I am a ugly looking person now at 17 then how will I look even acceptable at 30? Can you guys seriously actually tell me something anything interesting. Bye",Suicidal +26348,"Never been a religious person, but is it heaven up there? I surely know it is hell down here, so maybe there is heaven after we die. I do not know, just a thought. Is it heaven up there?",Suicidal +26349,"Besides my family, its really hard to see any point to this. I used to dream of getting married, releasing my music, performing, nice clothes, and my children. Now my one dream is impossible to achieve. I can never get my normal eyes/eyesight back.What is the point? what is the point?",Suicidal +26350,"I did not know so many people were so hurt all over the place. Wtf, I do not understand this? Wow",Suicidal +26351,"Thank you for all your advice. Unfortunately I have nothing and cannot afford a solicitor or lawyer, he has left me -11000 give or take. I cannot afford my phone bill let alone a rental place.Effective of last week his dad asked me to leave the property. Id just started to come to terms with all and then this just swept me away.I am currently sleeping on my brothers daughters floor, he has a lot going on and no room for me, so I appreciate this but its not convenient for anyone. They have no room to move themselves let alone a grown women who is living out of travel bags. I miss my dog, I miss my creature comforts, I miss my favorite pillow from my bed. I was just told to leave, he came back and caught me packing and demanded I leave I was packing and storing my stuff wrong.Today I registered with my council as homeless, a year ago I was planning a wedding, now look at me.I am not pregnant and I have got a floor to sleep on so I am not considered priority. Life fell apart, lost house, partner, wedding and son. Part 2 - homeless",Depression +26352,"I am so done with life. I am not funny, nor rich nor kind. I have not had any friends in years and cba living. I have no hopes making friends being antisocial, shy, introverted person. Like what is the point if Ill never be happy anyways. Just fucking living to work and pay debts back to my parents after studies.Also learnt I failed a stupid fucking course which is compulsory yet not related to studies by 1 mark @uwa. Fucking hate these institutions swallowing us in debt without giving us anything. I learnt absolutely nothing this year.Living alone in own head 24/7 is torture. I am out I do not want to do this",Suicidal +26353,"My 1st time posting here, today is one of those days where I generally feel nothing. I am not happy & I am not sad I am just. One of the things I hate most about myself is how I seem to self sabotage any happiness I might actually have. I do it all the time, I feel like if something is good then it definitely will not last so I take control & ruin it that way at least when it did happen it was myself that decided when it was supposed to end. I want to stop this repetitive behaviour but do not know how. Any advice would be much appreciated. Self Sabotage",Depression +26354,"I am 22 going y/o and have my firstborn on the way right now, I have been with this woman for 2 years now never had a breakup every argument we have pulled through. Recently though things are just getting to be insane I do not know if I can blame it on my relationship if I can just blame it on life or what. I hate that I can have a shit week then have really good days the next and it does not do anything for counteracting the depression. Its like the only outlet I have known is music weed video games or girls. I feel like I have just exhausted all my resources to the full extent money, friends, family, health, time. Myself as a person has been so drained mentally my brain actually feels like silly putty. I do not know how to fix my life for the better. Every step I have made has led me down the wrong path eventually I am just getting really really tired of stepping and there is so much more to this but fuck I have no idea how to be a happy person or a energetic human being anymore. It just seems like all the emotions I show now are forced, especially laughter. When does it start counteracting?",Depression +26355,"Whenever the lows hit, it gets so overwhelming that I cannot handle it on my own. I turn to my best friend and boyfriend for support, but there are some things that I say in the moment about myself that I regret afterwards... I am worried that I am burdening them with my negativity... when I say these horrible things I feel like I am baiting them into a position to reassure me. I am saying those things because they are so overwhelmingly true, not for them to tell me good things about me. In the past, I have been in the position where I supported a depressed ex. My mental health was fine, but it was emotionally taxing on me. I do not want my current partner to go through this. What can I do to burden them less? How can I cope with all of my thoughts of worthlessness and not wanting to be alive? How can I be less of a burden to my loved ones?",Depression +26356,I am a student and work part-time.Today my professor shamed infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time. I need help to cover part of my semester fees as i could not earn much due to covid. I do not know what to do.I feel hopeless. I do not know how to show my face again in class. I am feeling so ashamed. I will be grateful to anyone who can help. I got shamed infront of my whole class for not being able to pay my fees on time,Depression +26357,"I have OCD, depression and social phobia. I spent a lot of time undergoing treatment with a psychologist and psychiatrist and I improved a lot, the pandemic started and money was running out. I did not see my psychologist for a long time. Now, I saw her again for less than 1 month, I am only doing 2 sessions a month, the money is enough for that, and it is been 5 months since I have talked to my psychiatrist. My case is serious, I think about suicide, self-mutilation, etc. almost every day. I really like it when I am with my psychologist, she helps me a lot, I wish I could see her twice a week, but the money is not enough, I also miss my psychiatrist a lot (he already saved my life).I live in a third world country with no hope of getting a job. You might think ""you could switch to someone who does social price"", no, that would completely destroy my treatment, I do not know how to live without my psychiatrist and starting with a new psychologist would s****, because I have known her for 5 years. I just wish I could have a little income to pay more sessions, and yeah I already have discount (live in Brazil really sucks) Idk what title put, that is my situation",Suicidal +26358,"my whole life I have been stepped on and treated like a door matt. I have always been so non confrontational that i never stood up for myself when i was bullied in school i never could stand on my own two feet. at home i was the odd child out. my sister was my moms gem and i was just there. most of my relationships i have been neglected, i am a very emotional and sensitive person , and in all of my relationships , there is a lack of understanding for that. almost as if i cannot feel how i feel. i feel like my whole like i have apologized and walked on egg shells for every aspect of my life. sorry is basically my middle name. i literally give my all and my last for the validation of positive attention and i hate myself for it. why am i like this. why cannot i tell people no and to fuck off. why cannot i stand up for myself and give myself better. why cannot i separate myself from my toxic friends and family. sometimes i just want to kill myself because of it. i want to hurt everyone who is ever hurt me. i want it to be proof that I have been hurting that I am not well. i want to do it as a do you see me now type of thing. i cannot bring myself to do it. i do not want to die. but i want peace. i want to be healed. I am so tired of feeling like this. revenge suicide?",Suicidal +26359,"I had something planned out. Majority of the people said that it was quite peaceful to experience, but some said that it was excruciatingly painful. If only some of you would suggest easy ways to do it without any BS or sarcasm. According to you all, what would the easiest way to die be?",Suicidal +26360,"From ages 5-18 I attended public school. I was in a community, I had close friends, friends, and acquaintances. There were teachers and janitor and police officers and a hierarchy of administrators. I was being trained to become something. In adulthood there is no community. People see each other every now and then. No one is friends at work. We get a salary and that is it. I am anxious all the time because I fucking hate my life now. there is no community. I do not feel immersed in my surroundings. I am just in a state of anxiety all the time. I am 21 and just realized adulthood is a scam",Depression +26361,idk why but it will not stop. I have been awake for about 3 hours but i cannot seem to get up. I would be late for work if i was already there. i wish i could turn my mind off. it just finds the pain and then makes it worse. still doing it.,Depression +26362,"because the therapist just did like every other therapist before: ""I can refer you."" that is panned out, buddy... Really helped my trust issues. could not possibly why I struggle so much to open up to anyone, especially a therapist. Rinse and repeat. wow, in a worse place for reaching out",Depression +26363,How to control my mind? I was afraid when cook and see knife. My mind keep telling me to suicide . Tried to doing anything to distract my mind but did not work. My mind mess up,Suicidal +26364,I have finally decided to kill myself but never calculated the amount of journals I would leave behind. I journaled for years and now its taking me hours to clean the parts that I do not want to leave for my parents. They do not really know me so they will learn who I am by reading all of this shit. No one would even touch my notebooks if i were alive and they would go to trash one day. Its almost like this situation will make me live more than I am alive right now. Am I just too lazy to die,Suicidal +26365,"I do not normally post these sort of things but figured I would give it a try.So here we go:I am 30 years old, live with my parents and I am in a low paying job that I am making no progress in but cannot just pack in. Things have not seemed to go right for many years, would not be surprised if it is my own damn fault but there you go.I suffered from Crohn's disease/ ulcerative colitis (unclear which) as a teenager. Fortunately we managed to get it into remission but now I suffer with IBS which is less serious but still very uncomfortable, irritating and humiliating. I think there is other things wrong but my gastroentorologist said no.I had wonderful, long curly hair as a teenager, now at 30 it has receded and thinned to the extent that I have less hair than a sphinx cat. Whilst I have come to terms with this (and believe me it took a while) it is still annoying to have this happen at such a young age.I have been a heavy drinker for many years, basically pissing away my entire wage down the pub. Around Christmas 2020 I managed to cut down significantly and was getting in shape and quitting smoking. However, it is gotten worse since the pubs reopened. As I am naturally shy alcohol opens me up and drowns sorrows. I have been getting plastered and end up messaging people on Facebook, most times it is benign but other times it is been very bad and I have made a prick of myself, been too drunk to know what I was doing but because I am used to messaging drunk my messages are legible if bizarre. I have lost friends and been borderline traumatised by what I have done..I am very romantically lonely, I am used to picking up after a beer, but this is not very frequent. Sometimes women have messaged me on FB for a hookup, but it is few and far between. One relationship I did want to work out was with a coworker, but it was very strange, she seemed to lead me and a few other coworkers on and now she is in a relationship with another woman. I am still upset about that it did not work out, I was under the impression she preferred women and I have not got a problem with that but I am sad it did not work out as I really cared for her.I seem to suffer an anxiety disorder, and possibly on the autistic spectrum but that is never been formally diagnosed. Might be a personality disorder but I do not know.As a key worker I have been working the entire pandemic, as its too cramped in the house I have been working in the office as it gets me out, around people and gives me a routine. The office is now very quiet as most people are content to work from home and have no urgency to return whilst they are permitted to work from home. The work is either very dull or needlessly complex, standard bureaucracy.Now things could be a lot worse and I am aware of that, I have a job and a place to sleep. And I am not saying it is anyone else's fault as I have been very unambitious my whole life. But I just feel completely lost, life going nowhere and like I am in purgatory. The old adage I hear when I mention I am stuck is "" only you can change things "" which is true but I just do not know what to do.I have no idea what to do at all. I just want to escape and start all over again but society is feeling very dystopian at the moment to me with this pandemic.Thank you for taking the time to read this. 30M life going nowhere, lost and feeling hopeless",Depression +26366,"Note :- please forgive me for my bad english if you find any grammatical error in my text..English is not my first languageSo when I said I feel like a clown it means that I always try to be funny with others especially with my mom but these moments of joy are passed then I feel depressed sad alone sexually and emotionaly frustated and always anxious for my futureHere is my backstory :- I lost my father at age of 13 from then my mother raise me and my sister and also take care of my grandmother. She is a school teacher..so after her workhours she take care of us. But things get terrible when my uncles and other relatives distances themself from us they do not want to take any responsibity of the childrens of their dead brother. So they tries to question the character of my mother..they said terrible things to her and others to defame her..I heared lots of bullshit about my mother from their shitty mouth but my mom told me not to respond and kids should not involve in these things..I never saw my mom to taking a stand against them and we both are strictly told to not to respond in any way and then we get enters on college..My sister and me both are living a college life in different cities and my mom live alone in our home at that time..Since my mom also lost her father at very young age and now she is goning through these things I promised myself to not her let down in any way..But this is not a case for my sister..My sister starts to live in a livein relationship with guy outside our knowledge. (Here I want to tell you that I am living in a society where livein relationships are not acceptable at all ) but still my mom and I tried to understand my sisters view and we want her to know good and bad sides of these kind of relationships..But then we saw her boyfriend and after getting some information about him we found that that guy is a liar and has many relationships, he has many worst kind of people in his friend circle and is very manupulative in nature..When we tried to warn my sister that asshole tried to threaten us by fileing falls police case against us..we are trying handle this situation but one morning my sister ran away from our house..We tried to search her but then we get a call from her and she said that she married to that guy and she never want to return our home...I still remember my mothers eyes..she was crying and feel helpless this action of my sister broked from inside I never imagined this can be happen..but its just the beginning of misery for us. Three days after that incident I was sexually molested by one of my distant uncle who visited us..I never told this to my mother I was 19 year old boy at that time..Another relative of mine taking advantage of our situation did a financial fraud with us and my mom lost her most the savings at that time..All these things happened to us one by one hard to explain this to someone but it happen..I just one year everything in our life is changed forever..Due to stress and anxiety my mother's health get badly affected..she was living alone and I have to complete remaining one year of my college but I left my college to take care of my mother and I did all work in household and try to make her laugh so she can feel better..I take 2 more year to complete my degree..my academics was badly affected due to these circumstances and because of this I was ineligible for my dream job even for masters my graduation record is not good at all..and have no money to continue further studies.So I decided to stay in home with my mom taking care of her and do self study. But its not easy for me..Whenever I try to focus on studies all the bad things happened to me are come in front of my eyes..I am 27 now have no selfconfidence because I achieved nothing yet..I feel ashamed in front of others all the time..I never been into relationship because I have no confidence to talk with girls and I also do not trust them..I feel like everyone around me would cheat or betray me in future so I distances myself from my friends and relatives..I do not want get molested anymoreIt feels like I never found a girl who can talk to me because I have nothing to give anything to her..What can an unhappy looser like me can give anything to anyone so I try to be funny anyone around me they laugh but deep down I know that I can never move forward with that person.By looking my past I think whatever I do its going to be fail in future and gives terrible outcomes..I do not know what to do how can I get myself out from this ? I feel like Clown",Depression +26367,"I am so fucking tired of this shit man. Friends turning into snakes, I seem to do everything for everyone but they just shit on my face. I really see no purpose in life, just wanted to share because no one else to share it with. Everytime something good happens in my life, it always goes bad or turns to shit",Depression +26368,"it is very difficult with so many people in the house. Yet I am certain in my belief that this is the thing to do. I do not want to trudge through a boring meaningless life. I have no friends, everything is really a mundane mess. There are two principle means through which this end goal could be achieved . Either through hanging which I would not do unless I was certain that whatever contraption I had constructed would work in the intended manner, or else driving my car in to a body of water, the nearby river would do the trick.Hanging seems to appeal more to me, the latter seems to be quite a terrifying thing to attempt. Although it would eliminate the chance of chickening out, and if it achieved the same end goal then a few minutes of panicking should not be the dealbreaker.I am a huge loser. The must frustrating thing is that there are small things that could have been changed at 13-14 which would have completely changed the trajectory of this life. I am not depressed, I have just come to the conclusion that the continuation of my life would be a fruitless endeavor and I see no point in continuing as it will just become more and more pathetic. I am 20 years of age and a huge loser.People are always recommending things like Therapy, and some people(on the internet only ,nobody IRL would even suspect I am at this stage) have recommended medication. The problem is, that these things make sense if there is something worth salvaging. Someone can become a complete mess at 20, for several years on drugs for instance, but recover. That is the case if they are built on a firm foundation, there is no foundation and the entire structure is rotten. From the age of 13-14 my life stood at a juncture, I did not realize it at the time. think I am going to do it in the next few days",Suicidal +26369,"Attempting is so scary, but living is so painful. I do not even hate being me, I just want the part of me that is gone back. I hate having to wait for antidepressants. The universe laughs at some of us.Kind words are appreciated dearly. Living is so painful now",Suicidal +26370,"I woke up this morning and was getting ready to help clean that house but before I finish what I am doing in that bathroom I get screamed at for ""not cleaning"". I do my best to keep up but even ""simple"" things like sweeping can be overwhelming so I try to break it up but that is not good enough and equates to ""I do not clean ever"". Then I get called immature for limiting how much I speak while getting yelled at screamed at. But I guess it is ok since they apologized for the first round of yelling to yell some more about the same thing. I do not know why I just did not kill myself if I am such a burden to the people around me. No matter what I am not enough and I never will be. So I just got yelled at",Depression +26371,"No one gets it, its not some kind of joke, I am not making this up. I cannot get out of bed anymore, I feel so weak and exhausted I stay up until 9 pm in my bed. I cannot think straight, my head hurts, I have obsessive thoughts and uncomftroable thoughts constantly racing through my head, I do not know what to do. I am sick of going through manic moodswings ; (",Suicidal +26372,"HEY! I am darwin. and I am a complete mess of a human. I am like literally the biggest failure you will ever meet. I make SOOO many mistakes, never learn from them. I am a waste of a human and I do not even know why I am here. I am pretty sure my whole existence is based on some cruel joke. I have wasted countless opportunities due to laziness, acute sadness etc. Today I was supposed to write an entrance test to a college i rly want to get into. I did not read the mail properly and missed it by half a day ( thought it was 10pm, was actually 10am ). My parents are trying to talk to the admission officers rn, but like... How stupid right... How stupid. HOW FUCKING STUPID. like ... sigh. I do not know why I am even like... doing this or whatever. I am an incompetent idiot. I will never survive this shit. I did not know where else to post this, or even whom else to tell.",Suicidal +26373,"I do not really want to die, I just want the pain to end! I am afraid Ill break down and actually do it, but I do not think that is enough to actually get help. I feel trapped. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +26374,"3 weeks ago I had everything. I was doing better finally after a long depressive period. I made one mistake and now I have messed up my vision. I am so sad that god is not real or that if he is he will not give us one do over. Its so hard to accept this new status quo. When I was younger I would not have made this mistake, things just get worse and worse. I had one day of happiness and I ruined my future. I wish so badly that god were real and he would help me or allow a way to fix my mistake. I kind of wish I were dead, but I am trying to hang on until I get antidepressants. I am tired of feeling this way. I can never go back and there is no one to help me or others in this situation. All we have is blind faith/hope that in the future there will be help for us. I wish God could give me a miracle",Depression +26375,"Been struggling for 10 years with depression, always somehow managed to function. But it is coming back stronger than ever. I just feel so tired all the time and nothing brings me joy. My plants died, my instruments gathers layers of dust and instead of enjoying a game I sit in front of my Playstation and stare into the black until it is time to go to bed. Not that I am able to sleep but I am allowed to lay there.I feel empty. I just started changing my life, doing things I had been waiting years for and now that I am able to do this - nothing. Just nothing. I somehow wish my house would burn down. Or a car would take pity on me while I cross the street. I do not feel strong enough to make a change. I am a loser that cannot be grateful for anything and I know it could be way worse. But that is not making it easier for me.I am just deadly tired. it is coming back and everything's too much",Depression +26376,"26 yo male really struggling; shit keeps hitting the fan. Constant anxiety paired with depression. I work out everyday which helps, people say I am attractive which is nice. The words hold no weight though. Never been in a relationship, I finally found a dude I kind of liked but the feelings are never reciprocated. Every guy I meet just wants to have sex. I do not get it. Not even sure if I am cut out to finish school, I just have no motivation whatsoever. Everything seems futile! At this point I have either the option of healing or death, and death really is not seeming so bad right now I want to die",Suicidal +26377,"My life is falling apart and I do not know what to do anymore. I do not see the point in living, waking up everyday to this horrible life. It beens years since i had these thoughts about killing myself but I did not have the courage to do it before and hoping that someday I will see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. But now, i have no reason to live. I do not even have friends to talk about what I am going through. I may sound like a little kid but the world is so unfair. I am killing myself this week, ending all of these. I am going to hang myself in the tree or maybe drown to death at the river. Planning to kill myself this week",Suicidal +26378,"Hi everyone, I want to talk about how people open up to others about their depression and how do you process those feelings. How do you feel when you talk about it? I try to talk about it with my mom because she offered to help me go and see a therapist and she asks questions. I know she loves me and she is worried but I cannot help but feeling overwhelmed when we talk about it and the conversation gets quite heated. I feel like I am going to get mad at her so I withdraw and I feel ashamed. She cannot help but give her opinion on the diagnosis that a doctor gave me and I feel like she is implying that I am just ""young"" and that I think too much. Sometimes it feels like she is disregarding my feelings.I try to tell her that what she says makes me feel like that but she takes it quite personally and ends up talking about her ""it is hard for me too you know ..."" or says that nobody in the family understands her and that she is fed up of having to talk to people in a certain way (like in an empathic and understanding way?). She also said that she is trying to remain neutral because she is afraid that helping me will backfire. Anyway, opening up to people is sometimes complicated and I am having a hard time to trust anyone and feeling safe to be vulnerable. Opening up is essential to heal but at the end of the day I do not think anyone can understand me and I feel alone. Getting help : How do you have the conversation with your family/close ones?",Depression +26379,"that is it, the title says it all. No suicide note or anything coz it does not matter and no one cares. If they cared I would not be here this day, anyway I wish you all the best for Ur life. what is the most painless and easiest way out??",Suicidal +26380,Had enough cannot do this anymore had enough I am sick of being ill my life is ruined I have tried so hard I just am done with it. Take it easy all. Done!!,Suicidal +26381,I am having moodswings. I just cannot take this. I want to die I need someone to talk to ; (,Depression +26382,I need someone who understands what I am going through without judging meq Would anyone please be my message buddy?,Depression +26383,do not know if it is enough. Drinking with it so maybe it will work. Also scared. But also do not want to go on like this. No one supports me really. People do not really care. And they will pretend to care when I am dead. So I just took a bunch of pills,Depression +26384,"I have bipolar disorder and its so fucking hard to stay stable . Right now I am feeling extremely suicidal kind of want to overdose on all meds in my house and slit my wrist and just pass out on my bed . I want to dehydrate myself . Last year i was this close to death but my family saved me . I am so tired of trying . I have amazing people in my life but i cannot . I keep getting these traumatic flashbacks its making my life miserable . I just want all of this to end . there is no point in living , all day i do nothing but just lay on my bed . I have an exam coming up in a few months , i cannot even study cuz I am not stable . For fucks sake all i want it to be stable for once and be productive . What the fuck am i even going to do in life with such a disorder . I guess its my mania going on .I have not slept since past 2 weeks and i feel terrible . I screamt at my mom because i felt so irritated then i came back to my room and cried for hours because i feel guilty . I wish dying was easy and i could peacefully die in my sleep . I do not feel good . I want to die I am tired of trying",Suicidal +26385,"No matter what I try to do, to be a good person, to belong, to be a warm friend, nothing works and I always fuck it up. I do not fit in anywhere, I constantly make people uncomfortable, and I am really starting to wonder if my existence is harming people. Even yesterday when I tried to be a good person and fox a mistake, I royally fucked everything up. I am so done I do not understand anymore",Suicidal +26386,"I know it seems like such a stupid reason to decide that maybe now is the right time to take this leap but it just feels like confirmation. My friends go out, they celebrate together, their families are proud of them and celebrate with them too. I am celebrating by sitting in my bedroom alone. My dad gave me a hug which was nice and made me feel better for a moment but the knowledge that all of these things I am proud of are pretty much worthless in the end has kind of cemented the idea that it is not really worth being here after all. I do not think my death would really be any different to any of the other unacknowledged milestones in my life. All that any of this endless effort and pushing forward has led to is me sitting here, announcing to a semi-anonymous online forum that I think it is time to give up. What a sad life. I graduated today after five years of education that drove me to the lowest state of my life. No one is interested or cares about this milestone except me. I do not know why I am here.",Suicidal +26387,"Imagine having the perfect life setup for yourself, yet you ruin it because you are a fucking idiot. I do not deserve to breath anymore. Six months ago I was a totally different person. I have no more hope for our species nor myself. I fucked up my life, I hate myself, and I want to die.",Suicidal +26388,For awhile now I have had a mix of an anxious and empty mood. Some days I feel better than others. I keep busy everyday with my job and hobbies. What bothers me is I have never been diagnosed with anything yet. I had an assessment and they felt it was anxiety at the time. I got a second opinion and same thing. Throughout this I get really vivid dreams and hypnagogic hallucinations. This can be stressful and make it hard to get enough sleep. I have no idea how to get help for this. I deal with this frequently. have not felt myself,Depression +26389,cannot seem to live anymore. I just want to end myself. Everything and everyone is against me. I cannot fix anything. I am tired of enduring. Contemplating suicide.,Suicidal +26390,"I have been fighting for too long. I am too tired to go on. I have fought against myself my whole life, day in and day out, and I am exhausted. I do not have the courage to go on anymore. But in this time I have known you, I have felt like finally a piece of me has solidified, held down to the steady ground that is you, so that less of me wants to float away. you have become my first thought in the morning and my last at night. Its fitting that you should be the last thought I have in this life. I have never been good with words. With warmth. With affection. But God, I think I fell in love. After so much hurt on this Earthly world, at least I can die saying I have loved. I loved you. you have become one of the strongest tethers I still have to life. I do not want to hurt you. But I am so tired of hurting myself that I feel I have no choice but to leave. I am tired of going on, but so much of why I have made it so far is you. I want your last memory of me to be yesterday, in your embrace, you in mine. You have a heart of gold and a soul as pure as the ocean and a mind like the universe. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of you, but I have to go now. Ill look for you forever on the other side. I love you. If I die tonight, you were the last thing on my mind.",Suicidal +26391,"I have been pretty damn sick lately and been depressed for idk how long. But being sick, feeling this horrible misery and pain changed me. I was throwing up, dehydrated, could not breathe at times. I felt like dying. I felt like I was at my lowest. Now that I feel better, I think of the world differently. When I was sick, I set down my phone, my controller, and spent time thinking and getting real sleep. Because now that I am not sick and can be my normal self again, I cherish the world. I cherish that I can wake up and feel healthy and not vomit every five minutes. All those times I tried to kill myself feel foolish now. I was just fed up with my situation and wanted a quick and easy way out. I know that most people have a lot of really big worries and need to find a way to escape the pain. You probably hear this all the time but it will get better. The way I see it, we only got one shot in this world, so we have to make it count. we are all going to die someday and the world is going to be in a bad place when we do pass on. So during these days where we have the luxury to watch videos on devices that are sci fi by old standards, find something that makes you happy. Find a funny video, eat a meal, take a shower. Try to better yourself and live a happy life before it is all over. there is hope. I am sorry I rambled on for a bit. I hope you can take my message to heart. With love,JimmyMilton69 Being depressed and sick has changed my outlook on life and the world",Depression +26392,"I am jealous of all the people who have succeed in suicide. Or at least have the courage to attempt it. At this point, more than anything in the world, I want to die. I want to die so bad, and it has been like this for a long time. I am scared of everything. I am scared that things might get better and I am scared that things might not get better. Everytime I look outside the window or whenever I look at cars or high places or anything, I start thinking of ways I will be able to die from it. I tried slitting my wrists and what a surprise I did not die. But however, everytime I get to the 12th floor and lean against the railings, ready to put my leg on top of it and to jump off, I get scared. I do not know if it is stupid instinct, but I get scared. But I have been more scared than that, really. But what is stopping me (or at least I think it is) is the possibility that I may not die. The possibility that jumping off may not be enough for me to die. And the mental strength as well. I hope to succeed one day, soon enough, but I am pretty sure I will not. But I really hope I succeed. Hopefully. Bravery. Jealousy.",Suicidal +26393,"Remember, this is my opinion, so really nobody making a post on this sub should be down voted.I hear about people commiting suicide all the time and find it hilarious. You got all these happy jolly wollies with all their things and friends laughing about how good life is, yet other people that work just as hard are barely getting by in the system we have. I find it funny when people commit suicide because for one it is just another example for why our system is so fucked, for two I find it hilarious that parents decide to raise a kid and be strict or raise it in bad conditions and then the parent or kid commits, for three, I have been down the suicide path and I am slowly changing my route, I find suicide funny because I can understand it and it is funny because its true. Four, not always but usually things do get better, even if it takes a few years. I find that people could not get through the tunnel to be hilarious because I am just kind of like ""HAHA sucker, have fun in that hell hole"" when I got out. Suicide is so fucking hilarious LMAO Unpopular opinion sub would not accept my post ""Suicide is Hilarious"" I will post it here.",Suicidal +26394,"I hate it when people think you have not ""lived"" your life when you have not done drugs, went through shit, ran a muck and generally be a dick to others... And, one day, you realise you were wrong and now you have become a good soul after causing damage and taking damage. While you, on the other hand already know that you do not have to be a dick and abuse substance to do through shit to prove to yourself that you can change. What a pathetic society we live in when people think you need to be bad to understand how good you are. Leave me alone in my so called ""boring"" life that does not meet your standards. I love it the way it is and I am not a wild animal. do not tell me how to live my life. Just leave me alone.",Depression +26395,"Why do people say do not kill yourself because people around you will be sad? Why should I think of how they feel when they do not think of what I feel?! Why do I keep thinking of how they will feel. Why cannot I care about me and nobody else?! I just want to be happy. I just want to feel loved. that is all I ever wanted. Why cannot I be like everybody else not giving a shit at all and just being happy. Please just tell me how, how can I not care anymore because I am so tired. I am so tired of everything in my life. I am so tired of always caring but not even being cared back even just a little bit. Why cannot I be like them? Why cannot I be like them",Suicidal +26396,I have not really accomplished any thing with my life. My 20s I spent at a useless job WalMart. All I did was go home and pay my bills on time. All I have to show for is good credit and a car I own. But I missed out on alot of things because I could not afford anything. I quit my job 10 years later. Now I am 32 no job right down the road from my old high school. I feel so unaccomplished I cannot even join the military for medical reasons I tried . Iv had 2 jobs since but neither worked out . Moved in with my sister for a change of scenery we never knew each other as kids being separated due to our mother being an addict. Even this is not working out for me. Iv found out your family will be the first to take advantage of you. I gave most of the money I had to help her situation she has not attempted to pay me back. Now I am stuck in a living situation I do not want to be in but cannot just pack up and go because I have an 11 year old dog my best friend . Probably the one reason why I have not left this forsaken world yet. I do not want to see the next day I am tired of struggling for nothing. I just want to find my purpose there has to be a reason I am here in life other than to pay other people's bills. Why cannot I have my happiness. So tired of being alone.. Feel stuck,Suicidal +26397,"Now I am in a really dark place. Admitting it to you guys helps. I know a lot of what I fear never comes to fruition. Family is mean? So what I live alone. Neighbours are not perfect? Neither am I. We try our best. Fear of confrontation? Even Superman Gears kryptonite. He can stop flipping trains. I hate people? So, I just chat online. I am still here and less drama free. Everything I fear is vague and in the future. A fear triggered by a couple of steps back. Anyway, I feel better getting that out of the way. If anyone wants to talk: drop a line. Thanks for listening ;) I have not been suicidal for over a year... but",Suicidal +26398,"I am sorry if this question is insensitive to anybody. I have had it in the back of my mind for a while that I would like to end my life, my only hangup is how it would affect my family. I am fortunate to have a family that cares for me, it is just bad luck that I do not want to exist for much longer. I am confident that the friends I have would not really be affected by my death, but my close family such as my mother, siblings, grandma etc would struggle I think. I want to die, but I do not want to damage my family's mental health, especially since my mum struggles financially anyway. It would also waste all the money that she is spent on feeding me and sending me to school etc.From my perspective, I resent that me dying would have an impact. Everytime my mum tells me how she could not live without me, or how she is invested so much in me, I have to just smile and act as if I do not hate having this guilt pile up. When I am gone that will be the end of the guilt, because my brain and consciousness will not exist anymore, but idk reality will continue for the rest of them and I just do not want them to suffer too much for my selfishness.Sorry, this got a bit derailed, I guess I am asking if anyone knows how suicide generally affects families/if anyone has any experience with it How does suicide affect family members?",Suicidal +26399,"yea so i want to live but these suicidal thoughts come up all the time. death feels like a relieve I am suffering from panic disorder and depression, i do not know where to go in life abd i do not want to feel like this no more. i do not even know why I am posting this i just do not know what to do... i do not want to kill myself i really want to live but i cannot go anywhere without a panic attack anyways i cannot sleep due to stress and sadness i just do not no what to do i really want to live but i got serious suicidal thaughts what do i do",Depression +26400,"I have to make a call to my landlord and tell them why I still do not have rent, I am a failure in so many ways. I cannot stop crying and I do not know why I am alive anymore. Maybe my stalker was right, maybe I should just get it over with, I am so deeply unhappy and nothing is going to get better. I was forced to go to this event downtown by people who would not take my anxiety into consideration and I am terrified I am going to get COVID in two weeks, which is also my birthday.I cannot do this anymore. it is not okay",Suicidal +26401,"It seems like every time I get even a small moment of happiness, everything comes crashing down.My life has always been messy. I grew up in an emotionally and physically violent home. I was bullied through my entire childhood. I was first sexually assaulted when I was 4 years old. I had no safe space. Every time I expressed any feelings at home I was told to shut up. My mom always chose alcohol instead of me and my dad left me a lot of times and blamed me for ruining his life. The first time I wanted to die was when I was 9 years old. I am almost 20 now and nothing has changed. I am unemployed, I have horrible mental health issues and I carry so much pain in my heart. No one has ever showed me that they truly care. I have never experienced love from another person. I do not think I will.I think this world is beautiful, but I do not belong here. Its like I am a some kind of disease to the world and its trying to cure itself by making me hurt so much so I will finally leave. I am in so much pain. I am not sure how Ill die, but I know that I will not be here for a very long time. I am so tired and I think I am ready to go",Suicidal +26402,"she is losing her grip, she is cut herself all over, everywhere, nothing fatal but please i need help, idk what to do I am only 16 and my baby brothers asleep so thankfully he has not seen it Please help its for my mom NSFW",Suicidal +26403,I am on copium and the market is closed today Market closed today,Suicidal +26404,"I have spent the last two years at a real low. I had everything under control, my life was organized and I really put in the work to finish my trade school with the best grades I could manage. Then I did not find work, even though I was sure that I have something to contribute, employers did not like the look of a long-term-depression CV. But I kept at it, sent applications, tried to get the good habits going again, exercising every day and was really at a good upturn. I was so confident I would break out of that ~1year of intense depression. Then I had an accident that made me incapable of walking for a few weeks and definitely not exercise for longer. I was scared, but I was determined, I had support from my family. Then my father suddenly died. Just like that and it tore me apart. Since then it was really bad. I could not put anything together for some months, but I always knew I can do it. I have done it before and it was so good to feel happy and content. After a while I did some minimum wage work to try and get a schedule going that helps me get it together again. That work was horrible though and working there did not help me at all. But it did motivate me to try even harder to work in my trade and I actually managed to find a job that is perfect. Everything I wanted and people really appreciated me for the work I do. I struggled but in the past month I have already changed a lot and I am just picking up the pace. Today I was fired because the company is about to be broke. I really do not want to crash over this, but I am scared. Unemployment is bad for me. Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I will keep working on it and do my best not to drown in this. It is such a struggle",Depression +26405,"I am close to my immediate family and a handful of friends but I do not I actually care about them. I am always pleasant to them and have fun and I have been there for everyone at their lowest points but I feel like I am always faking it. Fake it till you make it right? But for how long? I do not like attention on myself but I do see everyone as a means to an end so I guess I am very selfish. I am being nice to everyone else even if I am not being true to myself. Idk am I just really good at pretending? When I am there for people, I act like I care about them so well that I can conjure up all kinds of emotions that feel so real even to me at the moment. Then I leave and its like someone turned off the switch and I go back to not caring about them at all and wondering if my act convincing enough. This all feels so edgy to me honestly but I just want to know. Am I narcissist? Why does this happen? Is it just a phase and if so, how do I get out of it? It gets pretty tiring having to put up with the act in every waking moment. I wake up everyday and shudder at the thought of putting on a show for everyone else again. I am very happy. I do not think I am depressed which would because the apathy. I have a nice life and I take care of myself. I just need to know when I will not need to act anymore. I do not really hold myself at a high value and I like to think that I am very self aware. For reference, everyone close to me have each called me selfish and manipulative at least once but I really think I have improved and have been there for them more this past year. Or were they right, and I have just become better at covering my mistakes and become more convincing? Why do not I care for anyone?",Depression +26406,"everything is okay with me. yesterday i went out with my friends to study at the library, we went to a rooftop to eat burgers and danced while the sun set. i still text my friends, and today i talked with my dad about the meaning of life. i met my chinese tutor and she bought me cheese tarts and we laughed about silly things. now why the fuck, am i still so empty today? i want to kill myself. and there is absolutely no reason why. please i just do not get it. why do i feel this way? i have no reason to",Suicidal +26407,"Life just does not seem to be for me. I am a waste of space, 29 Yeats old, still live with parents, left school at 15, no qualifications, live in the middle of no where. I just spent the whole of last week in bed, missing doctors & counselling appointments. I have no prospects for the future because I did not think Id live that long. My birthday was a few days ago & I got a total of 3 Happy Birthdays: 2 from my parents (only because I live with them) the other was a friend I have know for 15+ years & only remembered because I reminded him. Where were the rest of my friends? Not just for my birthday but where is everyone?there is positives over the past year, I quit drinking & now I am 6 months sober & I do not even know why I am anymore. I am fully aware of what it was like having a drinking problem but at least I was not as suicidal as I am now. The same can be said for my heroin usage (was not addicted just enjoyed it).I do not know what to do with myself & I do not even know why I am writing this if all I am going to get back is you have so much to live for, think of your family, your friends would miss you blah blah blah. Its like hearing people read off a script then my Dr will suggest group therapy. I am sorry but sitting around in a circle talking about how all messed up we are does not help me, it just makes me worse because these folk seem like legitimate reasons to be suicidal whereas I do not.I just seem to drift through life, no talents to speak of & nothing worth living forFor goodness sake I even have my own suicide kit made up that is hidden in my room with enough drugs to depress the central nervous system & make breathing more difficult & a slipknot already tied just incase in too high at the time to tie it then Ill wrap it around my neck & say goodbye to this pathetic life & existence. I literally cannot think of a time before the age of 8 where I did not want to kill myself",Suicidal +26408,but i cannot bring myself to do it i want to kms,Suicidal +26409,Life actually is pointless and meaningless. I do not even know why I bother to get up and work and strive for shit anymore. Everything feels so stupid. I hate this feeling but it just creeped back up again. I am so tired Life feels so pointless,Depression +26410,"I have this awful habit of thinking that I am cursed to never get what I want. Am I depressed because I have the wrong attitude that keeps me from getting what I want ? I do want to label my depression as bad luck. I would like to take responsibility and continue working on myself if I only knew what I am doing wrong. If anyone had a similar experience and managed to escape from constant failure I would like to know what you did. In order to explain what is going on I need to tell a very long story. I am 27 years old and I live in the Netherlands. Have always had a sense of dread looming over me. As a child I had an abusive dad who did not allow me to have negative emotions since he did not want to take responsibility for anything. Got severely bullied at school and beaten at home, for no good reason. I kept moving more than 10 times, was even homeless for a while and never got to develop social skills as a child. Physical and mental pain was the only thing I knew. And I always believed it was my fault when I got beaten. One time I burned my hand while cooking and my father got angry, beat me and kicked me out of the house without given me a chance to put cool water on it, it was even a Sunday so the doctor's office was closed. I had to do everything myself and if I got any kind of personal problems I received tantrums instead of help (like when I burned my hand). A therapist concluded that I was a neglected child. In high school I managed to get some friends but no friend group, I was people's left over acquaintance. I did not my mind since for the first time I had friends even though I rarely got invited for anything and some treated my really bad but I did not know better, I assumed this was the best I deserve. In high school I was a terrible student, did not know why but I used my time their as a place to get fun since I could not get it at home. Still had to do everything myself, learning to ride a bike, learning to shave, did not know how to study or prepare things. In high school I was still severely depressed since I still lived on egg shells and still got bullied and beaten at home for nothing. Often got long speeches from my father how I have a despicable character. Took me long time to realize that my treatment at home was not my fault and I did not deserve it (was around 24 when I realized that). Never got any recognition that I did my high school well even though I barely had elementary school and a reading disability due to the lack of school as a child. At 15 years old for the first time in my life two friends wanted to drop by at my birthday but my sibling did not want it since ""we do not do those things"" while he had a large group of friends. He is still friends with them after more than a decade. This developed into a crooked world view, if I saw an ad at school or any opportunity for something fun I assumed in my subconscious I was not the target audience. This I did until I was 25. After high school I managed to get into the top university of my country. Finally lived on my own at 19 years old, my parents did not even bother asking where I lived. Could barely afford it, asked my parents for some money sometimes, just enough to buy minimal groceries, did not eat warm every day since I did not want to bother them. Still had the attitude that good things are not meant for me and stayed depressed and lonely. Dropped out of school since my depression kept me from studying. And here is where I changed my world view even though it still took years to realize it. I went back to the same university since I was desperate for a better life. Nothing changed.... I did not eat any junk food, went to the gym, became extremely disciplined, overcame a masturbation addiction that crippled my energy levels, worked several nights a week. I still believed that the good things in life were not meant for me. All my hard work was fuelled by the fear that my life would always be filled with despair. I managed to graduate with a master and learned to be social. I became more and more confident in my abilities and learned to be extroverted and daring. But still I tried to connect with people but kept failing. I had a good friendships but as soon that person did not needed my help I get ignored. If I invite people to do things I hardly get a response at all. I only talk with people if I start the conversation. I tried to get dates since I was finally confident in my looks after all the time spent in gyms and failed. I was labelled by a female roommate as one of the nicest person they ever met so I assumed there should at least be one person that likes me back. Now I am trying to get a job but have been living in someone is attic for a year with no social contacts and no success and the idea that good things are not meant for me is back. I graduated in a STEM field from a good university with a skillset that is supposed to be desirable by employers, my peers immediately got jobs and I cannot even get to live on my own. Past year has been a void of despair. Worst year in my life so far. I keep getting more disciplined and engaged to get to the next level but things only get worse. I keep asking how much work do I need to do to get at least something in return? I keep looking at other people's lives (bad habit I know). How even things that would change my entire live comes so easy to them. Like having someone text them, show interest in them, getting a job, being loved by anyone, having a home etc. My therapist told me that I am too demanding on myself but I do not know what else to do besides looking inward. I no longer go to therapy since the therapist moved and I was actually treated for an anxiety disorder (hypochondria) caused by my childhood which I overcame. I can only work on myself not on others. Even after all this if I knew a direction to get out of my endless despair I would do everything I can to go there but I am at a loss. I tried really hard and I am still at the same mental place where I was as a teen or child. Just me alone watching other people's lives and day dreaming all day since I have nothing else to do..... as usual. Looking for help. I keep failing at everything. I have the feeling that the good life is not meant for me?",Depression +26411,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAFFUFKCCXKXNMDFUVKCIDJDJJXNXKZKZKNZKZKZLKZZKZKKZNXKCICJKXKXBXNXKXMXNJZIZMZMFUKCICJNAFUCKYOUKILLYOURSELFCUNTCUNTCUNTHISSMNDYYDJSNSHXGVXBSJSJSHXKKILLME .,Suicidal +26412,I just want the pain to go away I need support I am feeling really down ; (,Depression +26413,I really feel like I do not belong anywhere in this world. I just lost my shitty job at the grocery store and now I have to find a new job. All of the jobs I end up getting my me hate my life soo much I want to find a better job that I would actually enjoy but I really do not know how to do that because none of the jobs I want ever want me. I have been trying to get a nice job at a pet store and Doggy daycare but they are rarely ever hiring and whenever they are I do not hear anything back from them. So I am stuck working jobs that Make me want to kill myself. I do not know how much longer I can handle working shitty jobs just so I can eat.. I am probably going to have to be a dishwasher again since nobody else wants to hire me I do not want to be on this stupid planet anymore. Nobody gives a fuck about how I feel I feel so fuckin unwanted in this world,Suicidal +26414,"I am so fucking depressed rn. Anyone who sees me might claim that i have everything, parents, siblings friends and security. But its just a fucking deception. Noone gives a shit for what I do. I always feel suicidal but i cannot bring myself to do it and am scared of it too. I do not want the world to know that I am weak. I want to fucking show them that I can make it. I do not know what the fuck to do...Everyone hates me and uses me. I have never been of more than a comfort pillow for anyone. I have had enough. I have had enough",Suicidal +26415,"My bday is on 7th of July. Idk why I chose a date but i really cannot handle this brutal world. I tried my best to look in the bright side but no shit sherlock. Peace, rest and silence is my happy place and the world I am in does not have it. My birthday is close ik. My patience is also getting thinner. ""Inspiring"" quotes will not stop me. I gave my family and friends so much chances to show they love me. In this life, I was naive. I chose the wrong people to be close with. My life decisions were terrible. This also might be one of those terrible decisions I made. Atleast it ends all, if i continue living I know it will just be more painful. I am quitting on my birthday",Suicidal +26416,need help and advice. I have always been a sad pathetic human but I have been using drugs to distract me from everythingwell I am getting sober now and my sober mind has just been fucking with me. i cannot stop being depressed and reminding myself how shitty my life has become. got lots of things going on atm and getting sober has just been the cherry on top of it all. maybe i could make some friends on here ? would be nice to have conversation with someone what do you do to get your mind off all the negative things,Depression +26417,"Depression is such a vicious cycle. I was at a party last night for Indepedence Day and I felt like shit when I woke up for no reason. I KNOW that the smart thing to do would be to go take a walk or do something productive and motivate/energize myself, but whenever I feel like this I always end up going into my bedroom, closing all my curtains, and sulking in my bed in a dark room. I just cannot get myself to do the right thing.God, I feel so stupid. I know that certain behaviors are bad for my depression, but I still do them anyway",Depression +26418,"Got out of a relationship of 8+ years. My lady lied to me that she was talking to someone else. I had to find out through an accidental picture from her. She told me she wasted the last 8 years of her life. Every step of the way she makes me feel lower than dirt to save her own guilt ridden mind. This woman could not care less. I have already attempted twice this past week and she could not care less. My family and friends give me generic words like it will get better with time. What if I do not want to spend my time feeling like utter shit? I drive up and down the freeway an hour both ways to find a friend to hang with but no ones available. I am not strong enough to keep going. I just want to die.My mind is made up. Its going to happen, and soon. Sorry to anyone who knows me that reads this. I just cannot do it anymore. do not want to live anymore.",Suicidal +26419,"Hi, I have been diagnosed with burnout/depression 8 months ago. I tried 4 months without medication, then 3 months with Lexapro which helped but not enough, then 3 weeks with Effexor which made me insomniac and I started Trintellix 2 weeks ago.I lost my job and had a breakup during this time.Time is passing and I do not feel coming back to my old self. I lack motivation, joy and enthusiasm which were part of my personality ! My question is : 8 months is quite a long time for a depression episode no ? I hear everybody struggled during 3 to 6 months.Does this means I will never return to my level of happiness and functioning ? Am I doomed ? I am loosing hope..",Depression +26420,"I am 23 years old, have not finished college, i HATE my job, I do not talk to my family, I am paying thousands of dollars of debt they left me with,my mother kicked me out because i defended myself from my stepfather,my father has not given a shit since i was 5, my grandparents look at me and see the same failure their son is, I failed at everything i tried, I am not really good at anything, i have no prospects for a better future and the idea of simply waking up at 6AM everyday to work the same shitty job, rest 2 days and then repeat the process for 40 fucking years, makes me want to snap my own neck immediately.But THEN, there is my girlfriend, this angel of a person that loves me with everything she has, who would be completely destroyed if i disappeared from her life, especially in a tragic way, so in a way, the only thing keeping me in this world, is the fact that i love her so much and i do not have the guts to break her heart like that.I am not long for this world, i know it, the day she decided she does not love me anymore, is the day i will not have anything else keeping me here, and that is when ill go, i just have not figured out how yet. I want to die, i just do not like living at all, i have no expectations for the future and i wish someone would just randomly shoot me in the head.",Suicidal +26421,"I am 30 (m) and she is 21, so if you want to judge me already then just please do not.I was with my dream girl, and we got along great. But she has a serious drug and alcohol problem. I care about her a lot and tried to help her stop using them so much. Totally backfired and she started seeing other guys who were not so judgmental about it like me. I told her I cared about her and loved her and wanted to see her healthy and happy. She told me she could not be herself around me.This really sucks... someone pls talk to me I fucked up my relationship and now I am sad",Depression +26422,I have naps every single day since I hate living in this hell. Id rather be asleep. My anxiety is severe and me and my ex broke up. All I want to do is sleep. All I do all day is worry I am dying or I will go blind and then I feel depressed and just want to be dead. I just want to sleep all day Naps,Depression +26423,"i keep failing everything, every social interaction, every test, every sin thing. i cannot wait to kill myself.the problem is that i have no way of killing myself without pain, there is no building i can jump off, there is nowhere to attach a rope to hang myself, so I am just stuck. i guess ill have to wait until the end of summer vacation to kill myself that is the worst (yet the last lol) summer vacation i had in all my life I am done",Suicidal +26424,"Idk if this belongs here or not because I do not think I am depressed, just extremely sad from time to time, but I could not think of where else to post. I am 17 and have extremely religious parents who also expect me to be extremely religious. There are many restrictions like having to wear a headscarf, not being able to travel, not being allowed a boyfriend, having to marry the first guy I like and a whole lot of other things. The point is, it is a lot. I was kind of okay with this my whole life because I felt it was just what I had to do and there were no other options, this was the only life I knew. But I realised I was bisexual and did not believe in Islam a while back and was trying to keep it a secret because I knew my family and friends would abandon me if they knew. But one day, it all just became too much and I told my mum I was bi. She told me she would throw me out of the house and that she should stone me to death and that I was not her daughter anymore. I convinced her that I was never going to do anything with my feelings towards girls and that I hated my feelings and she calmed down. The next day, she went through my diary and found out about the leaving Islam and called me back from school. It was a big day, but they said they forgave me and I had to be a Muslim again. I said I was and they think I am still a Muslim rn, when I am not. If they ever found out, they would stop talking to me and everyone would turn their backs on me. I would be a social pariah. Because of all this, I did not study for some important exams I have extremely soon and now I will probably fail. I feel worthless, like I am a disappointment because I could not push through and study like I should have. I feel like an outsider, having to pretend is so difficult and the fear of being found out is really horrible. I feel like a loser because I could not even do a bit of simple studying and feel so horrible because I feel like I have been rejected by almost every single person I love. Everyone will pretend I never existed and my parent's said it will be like they never had a daughter if I am not a Muslim anymore. I really, really hate myself and I have an exam tomorrow and I do not know what to do because I may very well fail it.I cut my finger today, because my emotions were just too much and idk why I did it. I promised I would not do it again but then scratched my leg about half an hour later. it is the first time I have done this and I do not want to carry on because I know it is bad, but I really feel like I will and it is scaring me. (17f) everyone I love will pretend I never existed of they find out I am bi/not religious. Will fail exams. kind of self harmed for the first time",Depression +26425,"Nobody cares. Everyone just ignores it when I am obviously giving signs that I need help. I am sitting alone while all my class mates talk to each other and to the teacher, but not even he cares about it. I could probably hang a sign around my neck saying I am going to kill myself tonight and nobody would give a fuck. Yet after my death they would all be so sad and wish they would have known it. Funny how they all do not care",Suicidal +26426,"See this as a call for help, a last resort, or simply a rant, but I do not want to get better anymore. it is been more than a year, I have been feeling anxious, sad, lonely, angry, hopeless, lost every single month, day, hour, minute ,second of my existence. I have tried a hundred times to get back up, work on myself, change my perspective, change my outlook on life. I tried everything from medications, journals, meditation, sleep meditation, positive affirmations, making small and big changes in my life, counting positive things, adding positive things, meeting and talking to people, my family, a doctor, several doctors, taking several medications, but this is it now. I am sorry to say but if that many attempts to get better do not work, then this is just not for me. This life is not for me. I refuse to live feeling this much amount of sadness every single day of my life, I refuse to try to find small things to live for everyday, I cannot do this anymore. Please do not even start your comment by telling me how brave I am or that things will get better or that you are proud of me for making it till here and that you think I can go on, please do not. No, you cannot be proud of me because you have not physically seen me break down and cut my skin and write a suicide note to my friends and family, you have not seen me, you do not know me, please do not patronize me. I am done, this is it this is the last straw, I do not want this life, I do not want a job a family a career, I do not want this life. Why should I continue to live? Huh? For my family? For my friends? For myself? I do not love myself enough to live for myself let alone do it for other people. Why should I continue? No, things will not get better, please for fucks sake do not tell me they will. it is been a year, maybe more, no it does not get better. No, I do not get stronger, if I were stronger I would not be here giving up, no it does not change no it is not a phase no "" it shall not pass "" no no no no no no. This is it this is life this is pain and trauma and hurt and sadness and loneliness and anger and nothing different than death except that you get to feel all this. I would rather chose death, I want death I want to die I do not want to live and I cannot stop saying it enough and in a few days, when I have paid my dues, I will leave to a place I have been longing for all this time. Hate this life. Hate myself. Calling it quits. I do not want to get better anymore",Depression +26427,"Quitting setraline (Zoloft)?Hi, i originally started taking sertraline 50mg in February 2020 due to a massive depressive period in my life while also experiencing extreme panic attacks. The sertraline bought me out of the depression some what and I was back to a baseline although not back to my normal self just to a kind of numbish baseline, however still better than being majorly depressed. I upped my does to 100mg about 6 monhs ago as I again started to feel low again. However the past few months, I have really tried to help my mental health and feel I have quite a good grip on it and feel a lot more stable, however still slightly numb dur to the sertraline. This past weekend I took a dose of 100mg at 9pm on Friday night, i ran out of my pills and could not get anymore until this morning, Monday morning. I still have not taken another dose but I am not sure what to do now as I have decided I want to discontinue taking them. Shall i cut my pills and take 50mg for a week then 25mg. I am starting to feel like my happy unnumb self again after not taking them for a few days, so what do you recommend I do? Thankyou Quitting sertraline (Zoloft)?",Depression +26428,"My ""friend"" rang me whilst I was overdosing but i only found out after, but he did not even come to my house to check he instead went and got stoned at another's house and the next day told me I was talking nonsense on the phone.what is the point in living when your closest friend does not even care if you live or die, but when I said this to a different friend he came round banging pushing open my door to tell me that I was lying and I should not be saying that he told me to kill myself whenever I did not even say that. The messages are on Facebook messenger of him talking to me for 35 seconds which I have no memory of and then nothing, he did not come round till the day after for 10 seconds to talk about how he got kicked out of his house .what is the point in life if ppl you are suppose to be friends with will not help and then intimate you when you finally tell someone else. That friend group now no longer speaks to me entirely... what is the point 2 October 2018",Suicidal +26429,"My whole life is was treated like a piece of shit, like I was just an object My Friends betrayed me, my family hates me, everything sucks, I have those thoughts for 8 years and I think I am going to do it, I am done",Suicidal +26430,there is nothing more comforting to know that its coming. I set a date.,Suicidal +26431,i already have been told my whole life. at wotk i was even publically shamed about it and everyone now teases me because i cried. i activly hurt myself and my so in my life tells me are you done yet i need to sleep. so i just started taking a collage of picture of me to hng on my wall before i kill myself. so they can laugh at me eveeyday. accepting that I am ugly,Depression +26432,I cannot live any longer. Was planing to kill myself since last year. My plan is cutting my wrist. I saw on some movies maybe it is painless. I cannot find a gun hence i decited to do this way. (Sory for bad English) Does it hurt to cut your wrist?,Suicidal +26433,I am so sick of everything. I am sick of not feeling anything at all. I am sick of cutting. my wrists hurt. I do not want to be here anymore I will kill myself soon.,Depression +26434,"A small bedroom fit for one person with a bunch of old singleplayer video game classics I love, gentle cafe music (like jazz or piano), maybe some comfy red or blue lighting, a ridiculously comfortable bed with some of my old plush toys from my childhood, and zero connection to the outside world. Time is completely frozen, and I can come and go as I please and never go hungry or age in there since time is frozen. Sounds perfect. I just want to enter a place frozen in time that is comfortably lit and full of the things I love",Depression +26435,"i seriously do not know what to do ,i do not find joy in absolutely anything i do , i go out only when I am forced to (work,shopping..) when i was with some people just hanging out i tried to hide my pain and try to act fine bcs many people before told me they feel depressing when hanging out w me , but even tho I am trying my best it does not work. I feel like i cannot hide it anymore , i do not even hangout w people anymore because i know they will say the same shit as everyone that I am too depressing for them i wish i would find joy in something , had some will to live some reason to wake up in the morning. People only see me beatiful on the outside but depressing on the inside. i harmed myself in the past and i quit it , but other problems came like drinking alcohol very often it worked for me until now , now it just makes me feel worse. I am 18 and I have been feeling like this for years now. Please just someone help me find the way i should go. Please just help",Suicidal +26436,"I live in a country with no guns so I do not have a quick way out so any suggestions that would be quicker and I would rather the most painless way possible but at this stage I do not really care. I do not cut myself as I feel I could be easily caught so anything other than pills, hanging, knife or guns would be very helpful. Thanks Already tried overdosing and hanging, it did not work after 50 pills so I need better suggestions to make it work this time.",Suicidal +26437,"Guys, I am fine. Physically. Embarrassing as it is, I am still alive. UPDATE",Suicidal +26438,"I am orchestrating how it will work out currently. I will update again after maybe 2 hours or so. Unsure if I should do it here or on my profile or somewhere else. Hopefully it will come along nicely. I hope.disclaimer: if I somehow stopped updating, I was probably robbed / ran out of batteries fuck it homiez, I will chronicle the last 24 hours (or less) of my life starting now",Suicidal +26439,personally the worst feeling I have experienced was having to put my belt back on after using it to try neck myself in the shower. this was a hour again. lost consciousness but sadly did not die. its still wet the worst felling,Suicidal +26440,"I am only 20, but when you have been depressed since age 12 and you get shut down every FUCKING time you ask for help, its hard to find a reason to keep going.I am a trans male, my parents still deadname me and my dad thinks I am attention seeking. I have had many attempts at therapy over the years but it mostly consisted of what do you think your suicide would do to those around you? or idk what to do with you, you are just clinging onto your depression so I think I really have completely given up now. It could potentially get better, but I am far too tired and hopeless to cling onto that hope anymore. I did not ask to be born, why should I be forced to live and suffer just because other people will be sad?The bridge only gets more tempting every day Is it ok to give up now?",Suicidal +26441,"Hey, I am +18, that is all I am going to say about myself. I made a mistake tonight, and it costs me my life. that is the price now. For being honest. For finally saying what you want to say, and admitting you are not ok to the people who ""care"" about you. I have not been ok. I have not been on since the 2nd time I almost died, and realized I should not be here in the first place. I do not think I was meant to live. I feel like every breath I take is a struggle to prove that I deserve to be here. But you know what? I do not. I have not deserved to be here since I forgot who I was. I have not deserved to open my eyes since I started to realized how depressed I was. I have not deserved to live since I decided to focus on how to make myself not want to die. I am done. I am tired of justifying my literal existence to myself every morning. I am a shifty friend, partner, and family member. I do not deserve someone is pitty call/text to see if I am ok. I do not deserve the partner who asks how I am doing and I lie to make them feel alright. I do not deserve anything. And I am selfish, and ok with that. Please, let me be greedy about going in peace, knowing I do not deserve to see the sunrise. Or anything after. Hey, you though, I know you will read this. I love you, I do before, now, and after. Please know that. Hey",Suicidal +26442,"I am fucking stupid, I want to kill myself but I have death anxiety. That means I do not want to kill myself.Wtf is wrong with me? How to get rid of death anxiety? Thank you so much. Death anxiety.",Suicidal +26443,"My existence feels utterly, completely worthless.I want to call in to work so I can just sleep all day.What is the fucking point in anything anymore I do not want to exist anymore",Depression +26444,People see me as an easy target seen as I am depressed and then beg me for nudes. I have a hard time saying no. I hate it. Why are people so mean? I hate people,Suicidal +26445,"I think I have been hurt and rejected by so many people i just cannot seem to be able to like people or fall in love anymore I have met two amazing girls who are attractive, kind, intelligent but i just do not have any feelings for them one of them even likes me but i just do not know the old me would have been going out with her but i just do not know what is going on and I am worried that I have been broke and will never be able to fall in love again and love and stuff like that is very important to me Love and stuff",Depression +26446,"The worst thing about having depression for me is the numbness. I wish someone would have told me that I was not crazy, and that I could have gotten help earlier. So many people stopped talking to me, or they pushed me away for so many years. For the sheer fact that I was going through bad mental health. Sometimes I do not know whether to be happy about that or not. I think that my depression keeps me at a point my life where nothing really hurts anymore. Sometimes I feel this feeling of being inconvenienced, but I never feel any urges or any sadness anymore. I wake up restless and I go to sleep restless. I feel that every day I live is another circle I go around. Sometimes I ponder with the idea of death, but every time I come to the same conclusion. That regardless if I die or not neither one is worth it in the end. I feel like that idea is maybe me trying to find a reason to stay alive. I feel like I do not have anyone who truly understands the extent of depression. I do not know whether I really do either at times. Sorry if this is long, but I have not really had anyone to talk to, that I feel can really understand. I keep going in circles everyday with my depression",Depression +26447,"Fuck. Let me tell you, I have not been through much. I have struggled with addiction, an eating disorder, a weird family dynamic, currently homeless, and a terrible relationship/bad sexual things. Its manageable though.You know, when I think about offing I am always telling myself people have it much worse, and they deal with it.But I have this... weird voice in my head that is telling me to kill myself over and over. Its almost an invisible voice but it sounds like me. I have not thought much of it, cos my inner dialogue seems normal. Does anyone else experience this? Why do our brains do this",Suicidal +26448,"Sorry if my english is bad, i just really want to get this out. A friend of mine overdosed on MDMA he was just 18 years old i feel sad and angry seeing his picture On a Altar but nothing could be done anymore A Friend overdosed",Depression +26449,"My mother is about to turn 70. She is a widow. Through an unfortunate set of circumstances (including years of guilt tripping on her part), I have found myself living at home with her again. She is also something of a narcissistic abuser. I understand that this is partly due to her own trauma with her own parents.She broke her arm recently and it gave me a taste of what being her caregiver would be like and I am terrified. She has a plethora of health issues (some of which I believe to be exaggerated or that could be mitigated if she would just follow some reasonable health advice), but I know her well enough to know that if she can rely on me to do something, she would do that rather than try to be independent.Everything I have read online about being a caregiver talks about how hard it is, but these people also say they would not have traded the experience for the world because of the time they got to spend with their parents. I cannot help but think that these people must have had better relationships with their parents to begin with.I cannot see a way out of it - if I leave, I will never be free of the guilt trips from her and others in her life, unless I cut them off entirely. I hate the thought of her playing the victim and making me out to be a terrible villain for doing what is best for me.If I stay, I do not think I will survive because the thought of it makes me feel like I am suffocating. It makes me feel like my life is over already.I come from the sort of world where suicidal ideation is not taken seriously - it is seen as ""asking for attention"" or ""being manipulative"". Saying something like ""The thought of being my mother's caretaker makes me think about suicide"" would not be met with sympathy, but rather with judgement about what a horrible person I amI am not in any danger right now, but I think about suicide and self-harm every day. I may become my mother's caregiver, and I keep thinking that I would rather die",Suicidal +26450,"So...I am not the type of person that you would describe as depressed - I am going out, meeting with friends, smiling, laughing - looks like a normal life.Though, due to my social anxiety (on which I am working on with my therapist), 99% of the time I am not the person that engages any activities, I would probably sit at home instead. Sometimes I am getting some worse feelings - not strictly suicidal, but let us say staying near the cliff and asking myself ""what is going to happen if I jump"", or even sitting at home and wondering, if anybody is going to miss me if I die.It got worse last year, when I was on a one-month sick leave, with friends being overloaded at work/not in the country - we have had contact only through messenger (I do not like speaking to friends on the phone, I know they would talk to me then), and developed to the point where I realised that I could be in toxic friendship, just to not end up alone. It was last month, when I started therapy - although now I feel that I was not honest with myself during the sessions, leading to put focus on something totally different. Right now, I am at the point, where I am permanently sad, with depressive feelings for like 90% of the time - when I am talking to somebody it disappears, but it is just temporary thing - few minutes later, after we end up a convo, I am again feeling like a shit.I have tried different things - riding a bike (leading to some stronger anxiety attacks), playing a games, cooking (making me sometimes crying because of awful results), and dozen different things where I have just lost motivation.For sure I want to talk with therapist about that, but I am afraid that at the time of the session I will forget about it (as I mentioned, when I am talking to somebody this feelings are disappearing). Have anybody of you experienced that? How did you cope with that? Is it depression?",Depression +26451,"Hey musketeers ! I have been suffering from severe depression from past 3 years . I got excited to see Elon musk's neuralink developing technology that could cure mental illness. I would like to discuss whether do you think this is possible. In depression , the left prefrontal cortex is underactive. If neuralink device could stimulate left brain and repeatedly do it , then remission from depression could be achieved . Do you all think this could cure severe depression ? Neuralink and Depression",Depression +26452,"I have never been one to identify with suicide or anything like that but time and again this week the thought has really been pushing itself on me. I do not want to carry on anymore. I woke up this morning and my first instinct was to go back to bed, this is following around a 4 day period when I have not left my bed. My life has just fallen apart recently and not for the first time. I am intensely sensitive to rejection and that in turn makes people reject me as I scramble to make small things better my actions get desperate and it pushes people away.Here is where my life currently is. My house mates are being toxic as all hell. they have forced me to move out and in the waiting period they have ignored me or been vocally dismissive of me when I am in there presents. Going as far as to invite a full party of people I know over and then getting angry when I wanted to come in and talk to them. When I have tried to get in touch with these people they have clearly been turned against me so I do not really have any friends at the minute.I lost my job a few days after they asked me to move out so on top of having no income I also need to move back in with my parents who while being nice, they are very negative people who want to spend all the time complaining, they also have a life style that brings trouble to the house quite a lot so it leads to me having to have to be out numbed in physical confutations (when I hate violence) or helping a sibling out of a suicide attempt (two examples of real things that happened on my life 2 month period of living with them).This girl I was seeing and getting very coupley with, the first girl I have had romantic interests towards in over 3 years has called it off because she is confused. I have accepted it but she is a very flirty person (which is fine its the person I fell for), and at social events she is very over the top with people which I was always fine with but I can tell it now makes her feel uncomfortable acting herself in the situations around me. She now seems uncomfortable when I make any comment that other peoples would be fine and she actively avoids me unless its just the two of us.No friends, no job, no partner, no prospects to improve any of the situations and make to feel uncomfortable everywhere I go. Its not the first time my life has fallen apart like this. And people wonder why my confidence has dropped so much over the last few years. My first instinct is to go back to bed",Depression +26453,"For me was a minute ago. I started thinking what I do not want people to find, what I should throw away now so it will not be found by my family and friends.And what I want them to find... happy pictures, happy letters, happy notes. Just things that if or when they read, will show that although I am really miserable right now, I had a happy and amazing life.I hate feeling like this is the only way out and I know people will say it is not. I already said that to so many people, but sometimes is so hard to see another way or to find a reason to go on.My reason to go on was supposed to be in me. it is not anymore and it is being taken away from me, so idk how to go on atm When did you realized you were really thinking about doing it?",Suicidal +26454,do not give me fake hope or tell me that my friends and family will be sad. I am sad and no ones here for me. People on here are mean and make me feel 10 x worse. No one cares how I feel. Please help me go. that is all I ask Please give me methods,Suicidal +26455,"I am a failure and useless, a leech on resources that cannot contribute even the bare minimum to anyone, I am not even able to kill myself anytime soon but I believe some day it will be easier I honestly just want to kill myself and I am ok with it",Depression +26456,"Anyone here also do not off themselves already because of your parents? Everyday I think about it but I could not do this with them,it would fuck them up real bad,and this sucks Parents vs suicide",Suicidal +26457,"I do not. I hate the way that life is, and I often feel very strong suicidal ideation and urges, but at the end of the day, I know I do not want it to end that way.But fucking hell I am breaking down on a daily basis. I cannot handle any of this. I do not know how to keep going. I try my best and everyone is still disappointed because it is just not enough. I am not enough, how am I supposed to deal with that? I have so much shit to do that I do not want to do, but I have to do. I am already hours behind because I keep breaking down into tears at every step, I cannot do this. I am not strong enough, and I am about to run out of time but I need to do this.And then, in the middle of it all, my brain throws ""kill yourself"". Fuck you brain. Fuck you. I already have enough shit on my plate. I have been digging through it for so long, how dare you throw more in?But I also agree, it would be a better reality if I were dead. I cannot do this so why try? And I do not know how to respond to that thought. I hate that I know the only reason I am writing this is to vent and that it will not make me feel better because I am an attention whore who is not going to get any so there is not even a point to this post, nor any decision I make, so AGAIN the better option is to kill myself, *sigh* I do not want to kill myself",Depression +26458,"I am failling an subject, to simplify it is somewhat like a mini thesis. I am fail at this Sem and have to continue the project on the next Sem. Facing my supervisor really got me into depression. So what should i do next? Pls any advice buddy. I am considering restarting my project with different supervisor and different Topic but to scare to talk about it with my current supervisor. This thing cost me a Lot, i eat a Lot of food as Coping mechanism which because me gain weights, it drags me into depression, i do a little self harm like punching my self in the fronthead, swallowing hair vitamin. But I am just to scared to talk to my supervisor. Tomorrow is my final progress presentation, its a dead end, i cannot finish the project at this Sem, and do not want to continue with him again in the next sem College or mental health",Depression +26459,Are they trying? I have read many scary stories about them Are antidepressants helpful?,Depression +26460,"Thought I was starting to get better because I did not cry yesterday lol but jokes on me bc i ended up bawling my eyes out today because i remember my mom who passed away last year. I remember her last words to me was ""be good to your dad"", because she knows how much I hated dad for cheating on her multiple times yet she still forgave him. To be honest I have not done anything productive for the past weeks and I have three weeks backlog of my summer class because I cannot bring myself to study. I am on the verge of giving up on my course but I cannot because the last thing that my mom remember is that I am taking engineering and she is expecting me to be an engineer someday. I do not want to disappoint her. Executive dysfunction",Depression +26461,Would you spend the day normally?Would you do something special? How would you spend your last day?,Depression +26462,Hi guys I cannot take this pain anymore This is my goodbye letter to people I think actually supported meGoodbye I do not Care anymore,Suicidal +26463,"Where I asked myself, ""realistically, could you see yourself ending your own life or living like this until death takes you itself?"" I know the latter is more realistic, I guess I just wish it was not. I really do not want to do this anymore, let alone for a lifetime I had a moment",Suicidal +26464,laying here with my wrists cut open. struggling to feel anything at all. I do this too many nights...kill me I am really not okay. I am dying,Depression +26465,"Hello everyone, I really want to kill myself please help me with my method I seem to fuck up everything, and I do not want to fuck this up. Help me",Suicidal +26466,"As the title says. My life is a mistake in itself. I am a mistake and my dad left us when I was a child then my mom uses me to get child support. When I turn 18 the already bad treatment I get from my mother got worse when we moved to the city. Dad came back and got mom pregnant again and now I have a little sister, I am a ghost and they did not even look at me. To be honest, I used to be jealous of my little sister, haha hell they did not even bother asking where I went when I got home after days of being missing. What did I do? I studied hard then at the day of my graduation they just went ahead and died at a fucking accident. Now I got a job, poured all my soul to my job in hopes of being promoted and have it easy. I did get promoted but that is it, I enjoyed it for a few weeks until it became repetitive and I feel like an Npc doing everything it is programmed to do, no thoughts, no imaginations. I want to kill myself but no one will look after my little sister. I cannot even play video games at the Afterlife and I migjt even go to hell. Games saved me back then, I remember the time I play Mario and thinking how good it will be if I got born into a world with magic. Like books to other people games served as my safe place. Once my little sis got herself a job please someone kill me so I do not sin. Never told anyone this story. Haha glad I found this sub. Man. This is just like taking a thorn out of your chest I want to end it but I have a little sister and I am afraid of hell",Suicidal +26467,I am tired of being awake and i cannot sleep. I am tired of going nowhere and doing nothing. Being disconnected all the time. I have no one who truely understands. I want to die. I do not want to do this anymore. At all.,Depression +26468,"This is my first time ever posting on Reddit so please bare with me. I am 23 years old and I cry almost everyday. I do not have friends and I do not understand why. Each time I have had a friend it ended because they betrayed me. Whether its spreading rumors about me, being friends with my abusive ex, or leaving me out all of the time just being plain shady. I hate my parents. I blame them for how horrible I feel about myself. they have always treated me like shit. But they think they are parents of the year because they have given me nice things. In reality my parents have mocked me crying, they have blamed me for not having friends, made fun of me for it too. They always forced me to do things I did not want to do and it never benefitted me once. Like forcing me to try out for an elite choir when I was a young kid despite my debilitating stage fright and overall just me not wanting to do it. But it does not matter to them. They cannot understand how bad of parents they were and still are. In fourth grade I moved over 1000 miles away from my hometown. I was sad and depressed and had no new friends. My grades slipped. Instead of asking me what was wrong my parents beat me until I could not sit down. One time I caught a ride instead of waiting for my mom who always moves at her own pace, to go to cheer camp. My first year on the squad. I left the house and caught a ride. My mom drove all the way up to the school embarrassed me in front of everyone and took me out of camp. She humiliated me on purpose. One time my parents forced me into a mental hospital. ON VACATION. My parents have ruined my life over their lack of compassion, quickness to anger, control issues and so much more. Its caused me to search for love from people who pretended to care about me. Now since I cut those people off I have no friends. I am out of college so making friends is impossible atp. It seems like no one wants to make new friends at my age because being clique-ish is cool. I am not going to make new friends ever. My career field is generally gate kept by older people so definitely will not have friends at work who are my age and we can hangout. Its been one year since I cut off my shitty friends and I may have only hung out with or interacted with a person my age only 3 or 4 times. Out of an entire year. 10/10 you will find me on my couch in my apartment. Everyday. I never go out even on the weekends because I have no friends. Trust me I have tried reconnecting with people I ent to school with but no one ever puts as much effort into it as I do because mostly everyone has their people already. Anyways, I just wish I could die. If nothing can change in a year nothing will ever change. Friends are not going to miraculously fall into my lap. The only happiness I get is the split second I think about dying and how when I do die Ill finally get to be happy because I will not have to care about being lonely. I hope all of you struggling right now who have friends, who have people that care about you other than your own family, cherish those people. Because something is better than nothing. And I do not have anyone. I do not text anyone during the day. No one texts me. I do not remember the last time i went to a party or the last time I was out past 7. Hopeless.",Suicidal +26469,"And I do not want to stay in my pandemic life either. Basically, I have been living in misery for years, but at least under the current restrictions I have a solid excuse - to myself, if nobody else - as to why things are not going as I want them to. I cannot bear the idea of having to face up to things again. I have just had enough of trying to make it through every day, and for what? People have been telling me for years that it will get better, that the depression will not last, yet here I am, still spending every single day hoping to die. I wish there was a pill I could pop that would kill me instantly. I am not scared of death... I am scared of dying. I do not want to go back to my pre-pandemic life. I would literally rather die.",Suicidal +26470,"Its almost 6 in the morning and I did not sleep at all once again. I am laying in bed and I just feel so so fucking empty and i cannot stop crying. I want to relapse but I am so unmotivated that I cannot even do that..you know its bad when you do not even have enough motivation to self harm. I just want to feel ok. Its so hard to go through this alone. I hate waking up everyday and even the sunlight makes me feel bad. The only time when I am slightly ok if when its dark because I know that if I want to end it I could. I cannot feel like that way when its day, because I cannot Kill myself when its day time. One day I took a nap to feel ok and of course had a dream about my ex. I could hear his voice perfectly and once I woke up I felt fucking empty. I am convinced this world hates me. Why does this have to be so fucking hard",Depression +26471,"Wow that was beautiful and weird. I have been depressed for over ten years since I was 12yrs old. With time learned to cope by slightly hiding it however I have not been happy since.In my dream I felt a positive genuine energy of being happy. Was hanging out with my mom and 3 siblings at a family dinner and then we went biking and we were all having such a good time.In real life my anxiety is so bad that I cannot even be close with my family, Its always a struggle to attend dinners and I never have a genuine good time. cannot onlyBlame myself for not being close however this dream made me question if my depression is not the problem.It was so strange after a long dream I woke up feeling extemely refreshed and happy for a good 10mins until it started fading away. It felt like that dream made me remember how it felt to not be depressed as a kid. I felt a happiness I have not felt in 10yrs.Maybe I just need therapy after all. This made me realize that training myself to think positive all the time might be the first step to getting better. Had a dream of my happy self hanging out with my family",Depression +26472,"I think tonight I am going to killmyself,I am constantly sad and i do not know why and i really do not want to be sad anymore,i feel like shit everyday,and i do not know why..i really just want this to end.. I really cannot live anymore,I am soo worthless..",Suicidal +26473,I don t want her to leave me behind. I don t want to be alone again. I need her. Just her of all people. I love her. I don t want her to go,Suicidal +26474,"idc about genre, any sad song will do. struggling to feel anything, please post some sad songs so at least i can feel that",Depression +26475,"I need to get out of my house. I have been very screwed up with work and hardly ever leave the house at all. It was like this before the pandemic, but this last year and a half has been worse. I would like to be able to see the sea, or a beach. Or even a hotel with a pool. But I have no one to go with. I am single and I do not have any friends or family to go to. Every year I think of going somewhere, and I end up leaving it so as not to go alone ... And the years go by and I lose my time ...I feel like I need to disconnect, but ... It is one thing to be alone at home in familiar terrain, with my things and so on, and it is quite another to be outside. I know it may sound stupid, but from now on, I have a hard time getting out of my comfort zone, even speaking of the physical zone, and not just emotional. I know I have to make an effort, but I do not know what to do. I feel very ... unprotected being alone and surrounded by people, especially in places that I do not know well ... I need an advice. I want to go on vacation somewhere, but I have no one to go with.",Depression +26476,I am now at this point wherein I do not want others to see me. I do not want to see myself in the mirror. Stay hidden,Suicidal +26477,"Fear.The most powerful tool. Maybe. It has the power to crush your psych and soul. And leave you stranded. Dealing with it on your own is even more impossible. And for me, it just goes blank and one flashing bright exit door not so far away. Which is insane right? One would think But what would you do if you had only one exit door? Its better than being chased down.Anything could be there, but at least the chase would be over. So that is why. That, is the reason why. Its not boredom, Or me hating my life, Or life being worthless and meaningless, Or people being absolutely horrible, Or how we all are going to die anyway, Or pointless subreddits and people arguing on whose mindset is right, because I can give you reasons how all these could have a way around them. Except for fear. Fear of what could go wrong, and many things could. And everyone has their own reasons Even too much joy can lead you to it. You never know. I know i did not Maybe we think too much, Or not enough. Another thought of mine",Suicidal +26478,I am trying to be ok. I told my med manager I would give my extra meds to my husband to keep me safe but I could not do it. I have my plan I need to be able to have it just in case. I am so tired of feeling this way. I just got diagnosed with bipolar 2. I am on like day 4(?) of very limited sleep and have been stoned for the majority of the last two days. Started my new anti-psychotics the other day. I do not want this to keep happening. I have tried so many different meds for so many different diagnoses. I keep telling everyone I am ok. Telling my husband I am not going to leave him. But I am not ok. I am not ok,Suicidal +26479,"it is 1 pm, I am still in bed and believe me or not, I feel like crying because I do not want to get up. I do not have much to do today, I just have a therapist appointment and I am happy to see him after 2 weeks but that also means that I will not be able to sleep this evening and it makes me feel sick... Also tomorrow I will go out with friends and I should be happy about it because I had a lot of fun last time and I could not wait to see them again but guess what... It makes me anxious because I will not be able to sleep in the evening. Sometimes I think that the time I spend sleeping or just in my bed hugging the pillow is the only thing that pushes me to keep going. Maybe it would not be so bad If I did not live with my father, considering that sometimes I do not want to get out of bed just because I do not feel ready to face him and my grandma teasing me and treating me like a child. I feel that this discomfort would be a little less strong if I could just take my time to do things like having lunch, organizing work in the evening, going to bed eccetera instead of having to respect other's times, noise and teasing all day long, but that is another story... I just want to sleep",Depression +26480,"I have found myself in an interesting position where my suicidal tendencies have become less of the depressed and hopeless type, but now I am just angry and reckless. I do not bother feeding myself because fuck it maybe I will pass out and kill myself accidentally in a street. I do not really apply caution in potentially dangerous situations like bothering to check when crossing the street. I am pretty sick right now but Idgaf maybe it will get worse and kill me.Stab me? Cool I will bleed out with pleasure. I want to see how careless I can get and hopefully it might kill me.I am done. I do not care. Literally just give me the slightest opportunity and I _will_ kill myself.Lol does anyone relate? A reckless state of mind?",Suicidal +26481,"I will not do anything today, I am just letting you all know today was the day. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after. Or after idk. Soon anyway. Today was the day",Suicidal +26482,I just tried to put sugar in my coffee with the back of a spoon... Happy Monday everyone!Stay safe Sunflowers One of those days,Depression +26483,"Not long ago, I broke up with my girlfriend and from that moment everything changed in me, my desire to do things, my mind, my way of thinking everything is different now, I gained weight, I am now more sedentary, I spend it in my room , I gave everything for her and she betrayed me, sometimes I really start to look around me and I have everything that I have always wanted, cars, tools, knowledge, and a lot of freedom, but I really lost a large part of me went in that Has anyone been through this relationship? I need to know how to overcome it. Hi,i need help",Depression +26484,"Deep down I feel like my mom sees a part of herself or someone she knows inside of me and she hates it. My mom knew how bad. I stressed and why I would have breakdowns and she wonders why I was how I was when I was younger. She found my suicide journal when I was a freshman I think it was and I lied that it was not mine. I remember she said I knew you could not have wrote this but little does she know I have always been suicidal. The first suicidal thought I had was when I was 4 I remember I fantasized about death and that lasted for a few years then things got bad and I would pray to god to help me and kill me even. I love my mom with everything I have but I know she is damaged too and its not her fault that she is the way she is, I do not blame her. If I was in her shoes I would have gave up on myself. A piece of the notes I type down because I cannot talk about it to people here",Suicidal +26485,"got damn, it is coming on so strong right now. are they trying to kill us with these meds? anti depressant side effect",Depression +26486,I am still sad I and I do not know why I thought my living situation was the issue and that has changed and I am still sad. I thought that my lack of friends was the issue and then I reconnected with my best friend and I am still sad. I do not know what to do and I think my only option is suicide I cannot think of anything else to make me feel better. Welp I guess I am just a sad person,Suicidal +26487,I want to kill him so bad rn. I just could not take any longer man. But I do not want to end up worst than him in the afterlife. Should I just kms instead. I cannot deal with this mental torture every fucking day. I think I should just kms I really hate bully,Suicidal +26488,"Lost my job 2 days ago, have been volunteering at a local school since I once wanted to be a school teacher but I am sick and tired of saying I am getting better. 3 months ago I thought I was at my lowest I swart out help and received it but quite frankly they seem to have just slowed the progression. Suicide is never far from my mind and being told every day that I am a natural in a class room or you should stick with teaching is not helping, I cannot pay my bills and I only seem to be able to fail. &#x200B;I was sober for 3 months and only broke that for my works leavers dinner and I fucked up one of the things that was keeping me going. basically got drunk and messaged a female coworker who means the world to be and I am good friends with, that I loved her and that was not fair to her and it destroyed the friendship. &#x200B;I suppose I am asking for a reason to keep pushing since clearly anytime I get close to some one they either leave or I force them away, ot I just end up failing and not being able to take praise in any manner.Realise this reads like shit and got clarification I am 20 M I am lying to myself",Suicidal +26489,"I have been suicidal sense 2017 and as of today I cannot fight it anymore. I had a good life and I happened to develop Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar which have been draining my life away ever sense. I have lost every single person I called a friend. My wife left me a few months for being unstable and a moron and now hates me. Entrepreneur and my instability after divorce made me loose all my business I had and now living at my parents house fearing I am just a failure. I have tried to make friends and make amends with my wife but I just cannot. I was hospitalized the day after my wife left me for suicide ideation and then went to rehab for the next month within hours of getting home I went back to being suicidal. Every single day it feels like One step closer to my death, i cannot even function anymore as I am dissociated most of the day and have not talked to a human in months. I do not know what to do ): BPD",Suicidal +26490,I wonder why I am not enough for those that I feel like I was. People think I have everything under control and that I am a smart person with a big future when in reality I do not know where I am headed or if I am going to make it that long. Every day su1c1de is on my mind and I want it to stop. Realization,Suicidal +26491,"Teachers start to seriously snitch on me.I do not have the energy anymore.Not saying I will kill myself, but I need to develop a plan B if shit goes down the drain.(Which will be suicide, but only as a last resort) I am a loser and have no energy, always have been.School is ruining my life. I do not want to bend over to this bullshit.Why cannot I just put stuff in shelves in a warehouse?Now I got to worry about getting an apprenticeship if I will even graduate, because it is forced where I live.I just want an easy job. No bullshit.But they will not let me do it that way.I have to go some predetermined path that I never agreed to.I will overdose on pills or something if this shit does not simmer down. I cannot take this anymore. Shit is about to go down",Suicidal +26492,Like just lay in my bed all day because I genuinely do not enjoy anything. I just want to do nothing if I have to live,Suicidal +26493,My cats are pretty young and they usually live for 15-20 years. So I got until I am about 40 years old and then I am definitely ending my life. I have started thinking about methods and brainstorming how to go about it. Is this actively planning that would land me in a hospital? Or is it technically still passive thoughts as it is far away? I will not be alive once my cats pass,Suicidal +26494,"I am unhealthy. I am too skinny, but get bloated way too easily. My parents do not accept me for who I am, and with the way the family drama is looking my future is not going to get any better in that regard. I do a lot of things but I am not necessarily good at any of them. I have no passions. I do not enjoy my hobbies. I do not enjoy my appearance. The only reason I am still alive is my friends. I am slowly but surely getting to my limit and I do not know how much more I can take before I blow. I am going no where in life. No plan for 18, no passions to chase, no colleges in mind. All I know is that, no matter what, I have to get out of this fucking house. I do not know anymore. i do not like where i am in life and i cannot see myself ever getting out",Suicidal +26495,"Hello. I was Anastasia, or how others call me, i am Kijo. I am sorry if you are reading this, because that probably means i am gone. I did not want to go this way. My dream was to become an architect one day. I was only 13 years old, born on 21. january 2008. I was depressed, anxious, bipolar and anorexic. For the last 3 days i only drank, i did not eat. I used to love to talk to my person, who broke up with me because i fucked up. I had a kitty named Ami, and she was so cute. I will miss her, and she will probably miss me too. I felt horrible, and i could not wait to end my pain. I am so so sorry because i did this, but there was no other way. My suicide note",Suicidal +26496,"When your mind is racing, how fast are you willing to go? It must be the gloomy weather.",Suicidal +26497,"Some days I want to die in the most painful way possible. As if the suffering of that moment would absolve me of all the wrong I have done and continue to do to others. there is so many times where I could have been kinder. But some aspect of my personality will come in and break it. I am prideful, a sore loser, jealous, and mean-spirited. Where did this all come from? I do not even know if I can blame this on my household. And even if I could, would that even be an excuse? Its my job to be better than those who came before me. it is just I am also selfish. I want so badly to be excused. To be embraced with my flaws, not despite them. To be able to be a prideful, cruel, bastard and still be loved. To sometimes not be the one in the wrong. To sometimes get an apology instead of give it. Sometimes I think I am fundamentally unlovable. I am too hard to get along with and too smart to placate. Perhaps it is not intelligence but stupidity. When people reassure me of their love or support it feels disingenuous. Maybe because I have done it disingenuously before. When I say I am cruel it is not unfounded.I have all these wants and disgusts that contradict and overlap. I am like someone who is touch starved but hates being touched. What is it that I really want? I do not know. I do not even know how to begin to know. I am so tired. Some days I want to sleep until I slip away with my dreams. Reflection",Suicidal +26498,it is my own fault I know. I made so many mistakes. did not try. But I told him I was not ready for some things and he made them happen anyway. Then he blames me for not just doing it how he wants. I outright told him I was not mentally ready for a job and he still made me get one then got pissed when it went wrong.And now he is finally given up. Finally accepted he cannot fix me. He thinks me my mom can but I do not think anyone can. He basically kicked me out. So I am leaving to go home to my mom tomorrow.Part of me is happy to be leaving but the other part is even worse than usual because to make a loving parent give up on you I feel like I would have to be truly awful. he is not the best parent. But he cared about me in his way. Now he is kicking me out and giving up.I know I deserve it. My dad gave up on me,Depression +26499,pleasei want to die so bad but there is nothing i can do it with reasons to live?,Suicidal +26500,How do I tell my mom I need help Getting help,Depression +26501,i just feel so lonely and that feeling just starts getting bigger and bigger every time i have to wake up and start my day. sometimes i have this thought where maybe its ok if i just disappeared from this world. I am not really contributing anything. I am a failure. feeling really down,Suicidal +26502,"I just want to isolate myself and be forgotten. My ""friends"" will not care if I am gone or my family. Hell if they do, they will move on. It feels like as soon as I reach for help, I get a slap in the face. I just feel alone on this. Is it bad?",Suicidal +26503,"i always think of sad scenarios about basically everything that affects me (i only really make myself lose in the scenarios)and i cannot help it and its not like i enjoy thinking about sad things bc i wish i did not make myself sad on purpose. does this happen to anyone else? i also cannot sleep at night so i took 175 mg of benadryl I am (102 lb & 53) and honestly the only reason i do not kill myself is because of my family because i know if i do that they would live in sadness for the rest of their lifes and i feel guilty feeling sad and wanting to die because i have a nice family, a boyfriend, I am in uni and i have thing i need but why do i feel so lonely???? I have never had a lot of friends and even the 4 friends i had i was never close to. i cannot go to a therapist right now bc i do not want to tell my parents or anyone and i do not want them to worry. is it okay to live the rest of my life like this? the sad thing is i have a feeling ill probably take my own life one day but why do i feel this way?? :/ why do i get sudden waves of sadness ??",Depression +26504,My MDD symptoms got really bad recently. Then I had to leave my abusive ex and my family has fallen apart and I am surrounded by emotional abuse. In return I have been doing anything I could to feel some sort of peace and I am going to be full of regrets. I just do not want to be hurt all the time. I just do not want to be alone. Doing things I regret,Depression +26505,"Hey guys.I have been struggling to study (lack of concentration, hard to read anything, no focus) and I am looking for some study tips or help.I am fairly sure it is related to my depression and meds treating it... I hope? I just feel so fuzz brained and literally cannot get through a paragraph. Been trying for days. Any help would be great, thanks. No focus",Depression +26506,Whatever happens happens Think I am going to od on sleeping pills when I get off,Suicidal +26507,I am almost certain it is going to happen. most likely by suicide. most likely by jumping off a bridge.i woke up at 2:32am PT and i slept maybe 2 hours. after waking up i felt like i just wanted to die. this happens every day.I am just tired of it all. death and depression,Depression +26508,"that is all that keeps coming into my head; life just is not fun anymore so why bother? I seriously had thoughts of just drowning myself out with a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills tonight but decided to at least just see what tomorrow brings. The cherry on top? Its my birthday on Mondayand I could not give less of a fuck about it. I have been paycheque to paycheque the past year, I am always just flat tire or something minuscule happening away from losing everything. Meanwhile all over social are people on vacations, sitting on their decks in the sun, camping, going out for dinner. None of this is fun for me anymore so what would be so wrong with just being done with all this? I have already decided to call in a mental health day tomorrow. I am just going to try to sleep and hopefully thisll be a dwindling feeling in the morning. None of this is fun anymore",Depression +26509,I am going to attempt again soon Another failure,Suicidal +26510,"Today was a really rough day. I am currently in a residential treatment program and away from my family and today (I guess technically yesterday) fucking blew. It stated off with a conversation with my mom where she confronted me about having issues with her and my dad. She was incredulous that there was anything she could have done that I had a problem with. This is a woman that sent me to weight watchers as a child, called me a bitch, in a family that referred to me as Cinderella (because as the only girl, I was expected to do extra chores) chose my brothers over me time and time again. This is the woman that on the Mothers Day outing I had planned just for the two of us took a call with my brother for the first 20 min of our meal together. The mother that complained I made her miss the World Series because she had to visit me in the psych ward. And then made sure to bring it up again 10 years later. she is never said jack shit about that time except for remembering how she missed a fucking baseball game. Yeah I have fucking problem with you. The rest of the day was just killing time while I heard about everyone is plans for the 4th (I am American). Obviously things are not going well - I am in treatment for a reason, and will be here for a while. But days like today are excruciating. Its like I feel like I am on fire, or someone is poking me with a thousand needles while a weight presses down on my chest and throat, making me feel like I am choking and suffocating at the same time. I cannot stand it. Truly. Right now I just wish I was dead. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I am so tired, its exhausting. I feel like I have lived a million years - I cannot take it. I feel like I just was not meant to be here. To be alive. I have no purpose - each day is just a series of activities to pass the time. I am not in any immediate danger, I am literally being checked on every hour, anything sharp, all meds and anything else potentially dangerously is either locked up or has been removed from the house. But that does not make it any easier. I am terrified that there is no hope for me. I am unfixable. And doomed to suffer for god knows how long. No one should have to endure this many years of pain. A goddamn lifetime of it. I do not see the point. I do not want to be here anymore. I want to die. cannot sleep and tired of being in this unbearable pain",Suicidal +26511,"Please, it would really appreciated if someone was willing to chat privately for a while with me Can someone please talk to me...",Suicidal +26512,"The only question I am left with in this shit hole of a world is 'Why Stay Here?'Watching the last 18 months where the idiot masses delight in the destruction of any remaining freedom that they had. I do not want to live in a world where the government gets to threaten you for the basic freedom of leaving one's house, where the government thinks it has the right to monitor one's every movement, to place on under house arrest on a whim, where the media supports the growing Orwellian State and attacks anyone who cares about basic freedoms as ""selfish.""Existing in this stifling world of control, coercion, mass governmental intimidation, endless fear based propaganda to traumatise and psychologically abuse people.The only question that remains is why stay in this shit hole amongst the braying masses that celebrate as the State gains more and more control over them. Every time the State gets this much control, the end is a fucking disaster. The history of man has been the few trying to gain freedom from the State and the state-worship of the cultist masses. Be it on the left or the right - fascism or communism - same shit, different colour flag.What kind of evil fuckhead would come up with a system that functions like this world does. Sure there are nice views, and a few people left who value freedom over centralised authoritarian control systems, but they are far between. Sure, there are some nice views, but nature is a lying whore who beautiful costume is a deception on top of her uncaring cruelty. If leaving this place was not so brutal, and if one had not been programmed from birth to view carrying on regardless, or that life is somehow worth it, then what sane man would continue?If there is a Creator, and I suspect there is, then I hate this evil moron. And if one tries to discuss these things, one is just told meaningless platitudes. Why is this, because this place is such a shit hole, that all one can find to offer the one contemplating these things is meaningless platitudes.I wake up each morning to the endless Covid propaganda, threats from the government and its propagandists, endless coercion and intimidation from a police state that believes it can falsely imprison millions of people just cos its experts (priest class) says so.What sane man would want to live in such a world? And to top it all off, whatever is behind this world programmed me with a body that cowers in fear at the thought of the pain and suffering requires, it made me sympathetic to my fellow man so I dread to because more suffering to the ones that remain.But what kind of reason is this to carry on? I must remain a slave to materiality, and criminal fascist governments that want to control when I can leave my house, and monitor all my movements, and then lie to me that it is for my own safety and that or others, which is classic Narcissitic abuse?And then watch the masses defend their abusers like good little Stockholm syndrome slaves?What a pathetic realm this is, what a pathetic creator must be behind it, and what pathetic & servile creatures I am surround with. Who would give up their children's freedoms cos they are scared.And what a pathetic creature I am, that can see there is no sane nor rational reason to remain here, but am too scared to end it, too servile to my programmed bodily desire to survive.What kind of world has to put up such sentinels against leaving it? And why do I stay here and not depart? Cos some fuckhead gave me a stupid material body that has chemical factories inside it, that release drugs to create emotional states that keep me in this prison world. And then people advise to to go and get help. What, from some therapist who was probably trained by the state my enemy, who probably supports the covid bullshit, who supports one of the most brutal attack on the health of mankind (both mental and physical) ever launched in the name of hypochondria and germophobia.Whilst there was a semblance of freedom to this place is what bearable, but no one with a functioning soul can endure this level of constraint. I only hope that either I can conquer this fear, not of death by of dying, or that my natural end is not far off anyway. Why Stay Here?",Suicidal +26513,"Soo I grew up in a pretty unhealthy household. My dad was abusive, put cameras everywhere and yelled, hit holes in walls/doors, even had to go to ER a few times because glass got into his skin and he was bleeding severely. My mom was suicidal, tried to commit suicide multiple times and did nothing anymore, I helped her through emotional support and I took over all tasks at home including taking care of my lil brother and my mom. She kicked me out and I had to live with my grandparents where we regularly had to escape the house because my grandpa got agressive. I also got bullied a lot at school, people pulled my hair bumped me into walls and just called me names. My brother also threatens me a lot and sometimes we have pretty bad physical fights.After all this I found my first bf, we have been together for almost 6 months now. But 1 thing I cannot wrap my head around is that he did not get angry with me once. I actually want him to get angry at me. I want him to scream and yell at me, I want him to threaten me. I do not know why, but it feels familiar to me. I know it is not healthy but I cannot be the only one who feels this way. I want people to get violent with me sometimes. My brother tells me he will send me to the hospital and I tell him calmly to do it. I do not know why but violence is nothing big to me anymore. And I want my bf to get angry at me but he does not and this gets me pretty frustrated sometimes. My bf does not get angry at me (tw - violence)",Depression +26514,"I am too depressed to even say anything, if you see this i am probably dead. and do not tell me that i should not do it and that life is worth living because its not, i just want to end it all :/",Suicidal +26515,I am feeling probably the most suicidal I have ever felt and i need someone to talk to can anyone talk right now?,Suicidal +26516,"this life of ours is kind of fucked up is not it? going through everyday with this mental anguish is just so... awful, in everyway. even if some of us are lucky enough to catch a break, we will come crashing right back to where we were. i cannot escape. the only real way out is for me to ""disappear"" and even then I have fucked that up a few times now.I am so far beyond my limit. i cannot take it anymore, yet here i am. kill me and donate my organs to those in need. at least then I will have been some use to someone. I am nothing to anyone alive. completely stuck, giving up, self hatred, self abuse, pain.",Depression +26517,"I have hated myself since I was 10. Even at my best I am at my worse. I remember having vivid day dreams about hanging myself. I will not waste anymore of your time, goodbye. Hello",Suicidal +26518,I cannot survive 5 more years of sexual abuse. I tried to ensure it. I tried reporting it and enduring the even worse abuse from foster carers until I could not take it anymore and went back to my pedo dad. I just cannot do it. I cannot get raped again. The more I think about it the more I know I have to end it tonight.,Suicidal +26519,"it is irony.do not get me wrong, I love every single detail of beeing alive, every single second of any life of any human on earth is so specifically beautiful for me..And that is probably main reason I am so scared of death.. I am scared of inevitable speed of time, heading towards us. I mean, is this everything there is??? Like, 80 years or so, and then nothing? Is life only about trying to forget about this fact? Every single psychiatrist a ever had gave me same advice: do not think about that. Oh thanks, but that is literally not helping at all, if I could I would stop years ago..I just do not get it. Like, one day, you r in your twentys, living good, decent life, and other day you r 78 y old, just waiting for death. One day you are gone, and Noone will ever remember you lived. Maybe your kids, your kids kids, and that is probably it. In hundred years word will be same as you never even existed.And there will be not another cup of coffee, not another hug, not another ""good morning"" from a stranger.. You will never see another sunset, child playing, you will not feel cold water in summer, wind in face, smell of fresh book... If any of you have any advice for me, that can actualy help, a would love that. Thanks. I love life maybe too much..",Depression +26520,"I honestly have no reason to live anymore. No family, friends, or other people that will miss me. I could have ended my life but I guess I am scared off death. What if death is not peaceful and hell is real? What if there is some kind of horrible afterlife or something? That is what is keeping me alive currently but I still want to end my life eventually. What keeps you alive?",Suicidal +26521,"Hello,I am going through a super stressful time in my life, girlfriend left me, not letting me see the kids and court process could be another 12 months.I put myself on sertraline and it is been 2 weeks, it is been an awful two weeks with these tablets but I know it can get worse before it gets better.Today I woke up feeling much better but it is almost as if it last for around 30 minutes then the anxiety comes back for a while then I feel good again... it is like it comes in waves. Sertraline advice...",Depression +26522,"Was making close to 50k/yr. Stalker from a video game began defaming me online. Said I abused children, drove him to suicide, and made false accusations resulting in his arrest. All of which are demonstrably untrue and the guy has done this to other people w/ mixed results. Sometimes landing himself in prison for stalking.I had a lot of support from others, but hearts on your tweets do not pay the bills. I lost everything that mattered.Legal action is convoluted due to it being a cross border thing. I would basically have to bankrupt myself just to get a restraining order, let alone sue for defamation. If I do not, he will continue to email future employers with defamatory claims and I will bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job indefinitely. I begged people in my life to take this seriously at the first sign of trouble and they never did.Police are aware of what is going on but almost comically advise me to blow all my money on lawyers.there is no woman in the picture. I have done nothing but sleep and watch Youtube for the past three months. Completely lost interest in all my hobbies. Most days I wish I never woke up and I wish I could speed up the process. Stalker destroyed my life",Suicidal +26523,"Hey guys,I hope this is the right sub to post this kind of stuff. I feel like I am in a deep hole and do not know how to escape from there. I have a bachelor degree in political science and always wanted to work in international organizations, but I get rejected in every job or even internship I apply for. I do not even feel like I should finish my master's degree, since it feels like another useless degree. So I do not have a job in my field and my mother has to support me, which is awful.I would like to switch the field and get a job fast, but I do not have any ideas or drive to do it.And since I did not meet any people during Covid, it affected me in such a way that I am now afraid of people. It dreads me to talk to new people or get in a situation where many people are. Even though it was not like that for me. I (feel like I) fucked up badly in life",Depression +26524,Seems more peaceful than other ways. I wish I just died in my sleep,Suicidal +26525,I have a tiredness that is not even my body. Its my mind controlling my body. I eat right and exercise but I have no interest or energy in doing anything.I am so angry at how I have been treated and how this has manifested within myself.. literally making me want to disapear. Sorry for the vent I am especially down rn I have no energy anymore.,Suicidal +26526,"Title says it all, I am fearing Ill kill myself after all these years of tragedy and failure now that this has happened Girlfriend just broke up with me yesterday evening, do not know how I will get through the next days/weeks",Suicidal +26527,"My brother is like my best friend. We are close enough in age that we always were together. Before his depression hit, he stayed at my house often and my daughter and him were very close. 3 years ago his depression hit hard and he kind of just dropped off the face of the earth. We did not know how to deal. It took 6 months of him dodging our calls and texts with the guise of being to busy with work and his PhD for us to call him out. He said he just needed time. Then the pandemic hit. We forced him to get help recently. He is now back home and starting to adjust. How do I help him through it? I text him everyday, but I do not want to overwhelm him How to help?",Depression +26528,"So I do not really know why it even matters to me. it is pretty fucked regardless of what you call it. it is just something I struggle to not think about. I have done a lot of vaguely suicidal stuff in my life but only in the past year or two has anything that is genuinely bothered me afterwards happened.So there are really only two events I struggle to categorize. Both were extremely similar in form, but the thought behind them was different. The first I really would not categorize as an attempt. I was really just testing my method. I went until shortly before the point of no return and stopped. Just to see if it really worked like it was supposed to.The second time I do not really know what to think of. I went in with the intention of dying. I expected to not have the courage to go through with it. I had hoped that in the moment the fear would be less strong than I expected and I would just do it. Much like the first time I stopped myself. Both of these happened long enough ago that I feel somewhat separated from them. I am in a tenuously better situation right now but this question has been weighing on me a little bit. I have not talked about this with anyone before. Idk, maybe it is just bothering me because I am the only one that knows. What constitutes a suicide attempt?",Suicidal +26529,"I randomly watched the movie again, and it make me feel something. I am not here to talk about the plot, or the book it was based off of, but it made me revisit where I was when I first watched it.For those who are unfamiliar with it, its a movie/book that focuses a lot on mental health. So, when I first watched it at the age of 16, it kind of stuck out to me. It was a movie that the main character was my age, and it was the first movie that I ever watched that ever talked about mental health. It introduced me to the subject, (do not judge me too much, the environment I grew up in did not even acknowledge it, or ever talk about it.) About 2 weeks prior to watching this movie, I took my bike out on the weekend and rode it out to an overpass that overlooked train tracks, and it was my first time where I had an actual thought of me killing myself. I was unhappy, bullied, and pretty alone. I just stood there for 30 minutes just thinking about it, till I got a call from my grandpa , and went home.So, its 12am, I am browsing direct tv and this was on late at night, and I was bored, so I watched it. And it really surprised me. It made me feel not as different I thought I was, it made me feel not as alone, and it made me feel something.And here I am now, 26, its almost 3 in the morning, I have a partner, a job that pays well, a new family of close friends, and I have recently started trying to repair the old bonds with my old family. I have my flaws, and I have my things that I needs to still work on, but this movie randomly pops back into my mind after years of not hearing anything about it, and I watch it again, and am brought back to where I was when I first watched it. I started crying when it finished because it really made me realize that I have grown into a different person than I thought I was going to be. In a good way. And it made me feel like the parts of myself that I do not like can still change for the better. I really appreciate the movie for being my introduction in to mental health. The plots pretty predictable, but since I have finished it I feel different. Like a shift in perspective. Its kind of a funny story",Depression +26530,"19 (M)My mental is almost dead at this point. cannot stop thinking about how I feel so alone, how ill never amount to anything, and the fact that special someone is never coming. All of this just made me feel hopeless, and my meds feel pointless.Yea, I am just going to attempt later. I feel tired. This is probably it for me",Suicidal +26531,"I cannot say what I am feeling is a *good* feeling, but its approaching, and I am a little overwhelmed. I part of me just wants to sit here and feel it and not take it for granted and the other part wants to cry and shut it down. Like, I do not know what to do. Either cry because I am overwhelmed or cry because I do not like it. Its trippy. Is this what its going to be like forever? I do not know. let us all take it slow. there is no rush to figure things out. you all ever feel like crying when you are happy?",Depression +26532,I have lived with depression since 2012 or 2013. I do not know how to be happy anymore. I get depressed when good things happen to me and I feel relieved when shitty things happen to me because that is how my mind thought shit would turn out.I am too scared to be honest. I am too scared. Scared of happiness because one has to know what being sad/mad/bad is in order to be happy.Missed my Senior Prom/Matric Farewell because I think everyone would have laughed at me. I also thought going would have made me happy which means it could also make me sad...so I did not risk it.Was invited to a video shoot; I helped out a lot so that I had an excuse not to be in front of the camera because other people might see me being happy which scares me as well. I get invited to clubs and ish and I stay at home because I am scared of being disappointed... especially when people want to pay for meI really fucked up and I lost my virginity to hookers/prostitutes When I was about 16. Till today I have only had sex with hookers and prostitutes. I think it is fair to say I do not deserve a loving relationship.I got a porn addiction. Hookers and Porn mean I cannot love myself mentally anymore. Meaning any woman with self respect and morals and decency makes me scared and I cannot talk to them. Especially when they come to me.What the actual fuck should I do? What the actual fuck is the punchline to the joke that is my life cannot be happy even when there is no reason to be sad,Depression +26533,"Every time something hopeful happens I fuck it up because I am me, I am the problem, not bad luck, not lack of opportunity. Just me as a person. I just want to stop wanting to die and with every passing day and every crushing disappointment it feels more and more like suicide is the answer to that. This has been YEARS. I have done the right things. I have spoken to people. This past few months I have made so many positive changes in a desperate bid to survive but I need to draw a line somewhere. Enough is enough. I really think I am done. The only real sense peace, joy, or happiness I get anymore is when I fantasise about leaving this world. there is nothing left for me here. I know I need to go but its terrifying. Nobody knows what happens when you die but I have heard a lot of recounts of people who nearly died who say it is peaceful and that is what I am trying to cling on to now. I cannot deal with the crushing loneliness, rejection, the lack of affection or appreciation. That seems to come to some people so naturally. I figured out a pretty sure method - been saving my extra medication up for long enough to hopefully have enough to really shut myself down. But frustratingly that part of me that is still scared of the unknown is stopping things. I do not want to live in limbo anymore - I either want to live a proper life, or I just want to fucking die. I have tried so hard at option number one. Please believe me I have. I guess I am here looking for a reason to live or a reason to die. Drag me up or push me over the edge. Just do not make me sit on this stupid fence any more. Oh, just stay a bit longer, see what happens!!. What about when you have already done that? Getting closer every day",Suicidal +26534,Every day I feel more and more lonely and depressed with no sign of it getting any better. I have not been happy in honestly a few years and I do not think I can handle it anymore:( I am getting worse every day,Suicidal +26535,they deserve to suffer so bad. I will kill myself that will teach them to be so neglectful. I will kill myself just to hurt people,Suicidal +26536,I cannot stop hearing them and I can seem to find that voice that tells me to stop How concerning is repetitive suicidal thoughts??,Suicidal +26537,"If anyone needs/wants someone to talk to, I am always here. Available help",Suicidal +26538,"I created a reddit account just to have some place to talk to. I am a lower-middle class white kid, i live at home with 2 parents both with jobs. I have mediocre grades and a job. Why the fuck are not I happy??I strive for these things, but when i get them i still do not feel full at the end of the day. I have felt like I am in a loop for weeks maybe months now, I have been considering suicide more than ever. I do not hate my body, I do not hate other people, all i want is to step out of this never ending feeling. Being bi-polar has never helped my case, I am just really really tired yknow? there is no point I do not even know",Suicidal +26539,"My mom is verbally, physically and sexually abusive, as is my stepdad and my dad is a bigot (hates people of other races, thinks gays should not be able to adopt etc.). I am still a minor so I cannot get away. I can do precisely nothing. Why do I have to fucking do this??? I want to live a normal life, not one covered in self harm scars and suicidal thoughts. I have attempted suicide four times, but I am not strong enough to actually do it with paracetamol. practically 100% method (though it is super painful as the liver would be destroyed). I just cannot anymore. I hate everything. Most people are fucking assholes. I am, too. what is the fucking point??? My family is abusive and I hate existence",Suicidal +26540,I envy those who have the courage to do it. Am I not desperate enough? I want hang myself and get over with it but scared of the pain. How painful is it? How Painful is Death by Hanging?,Suicidal +26541,"I am sorta venting, but Its a feeling of emptiness, as far as I remember I have always been this way, never knew what i wanted in life and was never really sure of what and who i am, just going from place to place, my reaction to most things has always been i do not know, I do not know why I am thinking about this now but i think maybe its part of the reason why I have been depressed since ninth grade. How do you deal with this?",Depression +26542,i feel like no one cares. everything in my life is going downhill.i might end it all soon i cannot do this.,Suicidal +26543,"I can be funny. I care about close friends and family more than anything. I literally have no good qualities. I have tried working on myself but starting to seem like I really just am a burden. I try as hard as I can at my job but my boss calls me a retard and degrades me but honestly while hes an asshole hes just telling me what I already know and is just confirming it from a professional standpoint. I have not had a girlfriend in 8 years. Trust me not an angry incel or anything along those lines, I am just not worth it . I am not fat but not skinny .definitely been told I am ugly enough times for me to think there is a decent amount of merit to it. So I am crippling lonely. But I am the only one to blame, and no ones home and I think I just want to talk to anyone even if its a stranger like you, just want someone to know I think what I am about to is the rifht decision. do not know why I post here btw, mods banned me without response or explanation before in the past for things not against the rules. Feel like power hungry mods can legit end a persons life on here, they almost made me end mine a few years ago. Keep that noted if you read this and keep living. Do it because I could not Really starting to sink in how pathetic I am",Suicidal +26544,"I keep telling myself Ill do that later, or I can do that tomorrow but I never do. I feel like I am wasting away my life and my chance to do those things I want to do. Sometimes I wonder, what if I push those things back too far? What if, before I even know it, my chance to do those things and really live disappears? I say my chance to really live because right now I really do not feel like I am living. I feel like I am just existing.What if I push those things so far back that my existence itself disappears before I can do what I want to do? What if before I can go and pursue my dreams I die? It all scares me so much. I guess what I am scared of is that if I died right now, the entirety of my life would mean nothing. I know that no matter how hard I try, my life really will not mean anything. All I want is my life to mean something to ME when I die. As of right now it does not feel like it will. Wasting My Life Away",Depression +26545,"I have not care about anything or anybody in years, my therapist says that I have but I know I do not.My sister got in an accident that left her almost crippled and I do not care about it, it is her fault for trusting her legally blind bf to drive in the freeway.My mother is married to an alcoholic that has kidney issues, his kidneys are so fucked that his doctor sent him a letter to stop drinking if he wants to live for 5 more years and he read it to me with a pint in his hand, he do not give a fuck.I do not care about my dead grandmother even though she raised me and protected me from my physically abusive mother, so abusive to the point that she almost beat her own mother because she protected me. My grandmother died at 90 and I did not even call her on her deathbed because fuck her, she never called me.I do not care about myself or keeping friendships because it is only a matter of time before they get tired if me complain.Fuck everybodyFuck all of yoy. I just do not care",Depression +26546,I am at an all-time low. Nothing makes me feel okay. I have a friends with benefit with some random guy I do not even like at all and he is into skinny girls a lot and I am not skinny. I want a meaning I want a somebody who cares about me and actually wants to be with me. I am so low,Suicidal +26547,I am going through a breakup with the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. 7 years down the drain. I know it is for the better because we are toxic it for each other but I am feeling suicidaleven more than I ever had. I was on the brink of suicide before I met her and she helped me thru it. I have had the worst childhood from being molested and shunned by classmates and family. I felt like she was my rock and anchor in this life but now I have nothing. I am tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of hating myself. I am just ready for eternal sleep. I am not looking for any responses. This is more or less me trying to get shit off of my chest before I end it. FUCK LIFE Helpless,Suicidal +26548,"Looked at myself naked in the mirror and was shocked to see how skinny I have gotten. Over the past year in quarantine, I have been depressed and have not been eating much. Home-cooked meals are not delicious so I do not eat much. The thing I eat the most of is white rice. I feel too guilty to eat out. Family noticed how bony and skinny I have gotten before I did. How do I not feel nauseous when thinking about eating? How do I deal with the guilt of having food available but choosing not to eat? I liked my body before but I feel like I have ruined it. What do I do? I am now too skinny. How do I deal with the guilt and nausea?",Depression +26549,"Another day begins that is the same as the other, and again the feeling came that I was wasting the time that I still had. I try to get out of the cage, but people try to keep me in it. People tell me it is better to stay in the cage, but I do not want to stay! I want to escape. But I wonder if if I escape, something will change? I am still a loser and still unloved I cannot stand these repetitive days. It feels like I am stuck in time and everyone is passing me by. People live live and I just watch them. Have i given up yet? I think the world is so much easier with money. I hate this world, all the people who are not rich have to waste their whole life on work? There is not much time left and there is no way out. I do not understand why this is so damn normal for everyone? How could I be happy when I work all day? This society is so disgusting that everyone only cares about money, lots of people pay for sex and often people would leave you when someone else has more money than you, the whole world just cares about money. Then I wonder, is there true love in this disgusting world? Are there people out there who are different? Is there more than money in society's mind? I do not understand all the people who have sex without loving the person, why did they do that, why does it matter if the person is great? Maybe I just envy the rich people, would I mind if I was rich? Probably not. Maybe the world is still disgusting, maybe I am. Would this world ever change? Probably not! I am a shy not attractive not intelligent person with too many problems to count. Maybe someone likes me, but only as long as I can keep my facade. Because behind this facade hides a bore who isolates himself from society because he cannot get along with it. I have lost my friends, I have lost my popularity, and I have lost my heart. Now I am just an empty body slowly rising out of the darkness. And I do not know how to get my heart back, if it is even possible. I try to be a lucky guy but I am dead inside. I try to tell others so I can get help, but I am not taken seriously. What should i do when life is terrible.I feel so lonely, nobody likes or even loves, everyone tells me how bad I am. I want to break out but the cage is holding me tight, I cannot escape no matter how hard I try. I have wishes but they fade knowing they will never come true. Everyone works like a robot, nobody has questioned whether life is meaningless. Why should we work until we get old and slowly die. To die unsuccessfully to unknown and unpopular. I do not understand this world, nobody understands this pain that I feel inside of me. Why am I born if I only suffer?I think the world is great, there is a lot of fun, happiness and love, But I am trapped in a cage that is only loneliness and despair. I feel so numb, so numb ... Do you know how I feel? Have you ever felt this way? I hope not ... I do not expect that you can help me, I just want to share my feelings because it helps me a little. Every day goes by so quickly and feels so wasted. I want to be loved, but I know myself that there is nothing about me that is lovable. Thanks for reading this, i just do not want to exist because nobody needs me anyway. My life",Depression +26550,"Please, make it stop. I do not want to live anymore. I do not want to feel anything anymore. How am I supposed to fight my depression and my OCD at the same time, when every day that passes something worse than yesterday happens? Last night, my heart was broken. Now I do not know how I can live with that because it ruined something inside me. I want to die and I am considering it. I can only endure so much pain and this is too much. I am trying so hard to fix everything but it is never enough because something far worse happens every day. What have I done to deserve this? I want to escape so badly but I have nowhere to go. I can only hope that god will save me. I am trying but I cannot",Suicidal +26551,"Or moderate depression, either or What are the symptoms for mild depression?",Depression +26552,How life kind of has a end all button that you can press at anytime. I am starting to stare at that button and I do not want too. it is funny,Depression +26553,just poisoned myself. I am scared. But if I am lucky i will not be scared ever again. Idk if it was enough tho. just poisoned myself,Suicidal +26554,Covid is finally starting to catch up to me 2019 was a great year I worked my ass off and towards the end I started reaping the benefits 2020 started off great I had my dream job my first son was months away from being born everything was better fast forward to now and my dream job had to let me go literally everything I worked so hard for seems to be slipping out my grasps my place my car everything I am tired of feeling behind on everything scrambling to pay bills etc I really just want to find another job so I can work my ass off and just change my mindset right now I am thinking about ending it more and more everyday but now I think I can honestly say I am really hesitant because of my now 10 month old son nobody gets it everyone saw me as the glue but I am not that anymore debt is killing me I am scared to be homeless or without a car and just everything that I worked so hard for seems to not even matter anymore I want to end it all but I am too much of a bitch to do it but for some reason tonight I have some of the biggest balls I have ever had I am alone like always and my mind is playing tricks on me I am contemplating it smh Having bad thoughts more than usual,Suicidal +26555,"i do not know what to do anymore, i really do not. its not like things have gotten worse or anything, its just the same suffering like always. it is just that i am close to my breaking point i cannot take it anymore. everyday i just wish i could die. i tried slitting my wrists (it failed) and jumping off (also failed, i was too much of a coward to do it). my parents know that i slit my wrists and they were angry about it. i suppose they did not know how to react. i asked them to bring me to a mental hospital/psych ward but they shouted at me and told me that it was not serious and that there is nothing wrong with me. do not get me wrong this is not about my parents they are only trying to help but i really do not know how much longer i can wait. my dad told me to leave things to him and to just focus on my studies/normal everyday stuff but firstly, he is very busy with his work. secondly i do not know how much longer i can take it and just sit down and wait i need to die. my parents do not understand that i cannot function like a normal human being i just cannot. everytime someone talks to me or asks me a question it takes me so long to process it and i end up stuttering. i do not know what to say when i call the suicide hotline and i do not know what they will do. i would like them to bring me to the mental hospital/psych ward but i do not know how and i do not know how i will explain it to my parents. someone pls help thanksps: my parents are really nice I am just saying that their way of helping me is making me worse/not doing anything at all what to say to the suicide hotline",Suicidal +26556,"I am home alone and... that is the perfect occasion to hang myself.I struggle to find reasons to live. The why can be found on the other posts although I feel like no one cares. I am going to write a letter to explain why I did it. I cannot cope with it anymore. My life sucks with no margin of improvement. I just regret not doing it earlier. Today is the day, I guess.",Suicidal +26557,"I am gender fluid, I have anorexia, I hate everything why cannot I be good why cannot I talk to people I cut out everybody I just want to leave America and go anywhere else so if my parents try to find me they legally cannot bring me home. My cousins homophobic and my parents are to dumb to realize I have depression why the fuck am I like this why cannot I fucking be good. Why",Suicidal +26558,"I cannot relax, cannot get rid of negative thoughts, my whole life I have been overthinking and ruminating. I do not enjoy anything, I never feel like doing anything, I would just lay in bed all the time. I think I might have social anxiety and depression but I do not know what to do with these, doctor prescribed me antidepressants but I am scared to take them. Counseling is expensive. I hate life I hate life and I feel hopeless",Suicidal +26559,"Does anybody else experience this? I know some people self harm, but I want to be harmed by another. Like I will be depressed and feeling numb and then I will have wild fantasies about being hit, verbally abused, punched. Its not always a sexual thing I must clarify (though it can be) sometimes it is just a literal want to be abused by a stranger, and those thoughts give me inexplicable comfort. It cannot be a spouse or friend. It has to be a detached stranger who wants to harm me. Does anybody else experience this? It really distresses me that I think this way. I want physical harm to be done to me when I go through heavy depression.",Depression +26560,"So dead inside I feel nothing, no mercy has been given to me, I just keep falling deeper. So fucked up in the head I cannot even comprehend it. So out of reality I forget who I am. I try everyday but I cannot live with this illness and the memories. I know I am at the end of the road. I feel defeated",Suicidal +26561,"I am not going to die from suicide. do not fucking come after me. I just fucking need. something I feel completely rejected and shut out from the world. I am gay, I am transgender, I am fat, I am insane, I am autistic, I am learning disabled. I honestly think, I honestly know most of the world wants me dead because of these things because people consistently and repeatedly show me that is true. I mean fuck, they openly fucking post it on this very website.I have agoraphobia. I dropped out of school before I even made it to high school (so I will never have an okay job, I will always suffer) because the bullying was so severe I knew I would die if I stayed in school. In 2019 I used literally every single drop of power I had to get put on anti anxiety medication. I was able to leave the house for the first time in years and get a job to save for getting my tits chopped off. But my boss was hateful and abusive so I had to quit or I would have killed myself. So I got another better job, I even got a promotion, but my bosses AND the customers were hateful and abusive, so again I had to quit or I would have killed myself. A double mastectomy by my calculations is roughly $10,000. I never even managed to save $5,000, and by now my savings are long gone.I decided in 2020 I would start attending the queer center in my city because I was so fucking alone. I was really optimistic about trying this. Then covid hit. Then I aged out of my parent's insurance and loss access to my meds. Now I am agorapbobic again. I am too afraid to leave my home to get the vaccine, I tried, which means I literally have to stay home. Except for my amazing partner, I am so fucking alone.I got caught writing a suicide note at 13 and was imprisoned against my will in a mental hospital and now I have ptsd from it. its been 13 years since that and I still struggle to shower and wake up in terror from the active, gleeful abuse by the staff. I cannot even fucking get help because its not even fucking safe. I will never, EVER trust a mental health professional again. I cannot get help.I do not know what I can possibly fucking do. I do not know how I can possibly fucking live a happy life with my partner. I cannot transition, I cannot move out of home, I cannot keep a job, I cannot keep a friend, I cannot accomplish my goals. what can I even fucking do. how can I fucking live in this world. what can I fucking do. its so fucking hopeless. how can I ever be happy with my partner. I do not fucking belong in this world, I do not understand how or why I am here. I am not even human, why am I here. title",Suicidal +26562,its just so funny how everything that comes my way i just spoil i just cannot take it anymore i do not want to spend the rest of my life picking up pieces of myself I have set the date 9/21 i will kill myself i chose that date not sooner because that is when i come back from boston after visiting my niece and nephew i just want to see them one last time. i ruin everything good for me,Depression +26563,I am destroying myself with my mind and now i cannot sleep even though i was super tired and also i have to get up for work in a couple hours I am destroying myself,Depression +26564,"I feel like no matter what I do I just never have fun. it is prolly due to the fact that I have ADHD and never get to sleep. But i just think life is not for me tbh. I am skinny fat, ugly, I have messy hair, I have ADHD, Sleeping is hard, I am an extrovert without friends. I just. do not see why I should keep going. I do not enjoy shit and I only play games for platnium trophys just to do something but even then I am not happy. I also do not eat right because I just do not fucking care too. And having manboobs just makes me want to stab myself everytime I go to take a shower How can I start enjoying life?",Depression +26565,"me and my boyfriend are about to break up. only one online friend and we barely talk. just graduated highschool with no real life friends or connections and no direction. disappointed my family by being too stupid to get into a university so I am going to community college and i still have not figured out how to register for classes. i always told myself once i turned 18 if i still wanted to kill myself id do it. i turned 18 and I am still miserable. I am tired of people, I am tired of myself, I am tired of always trying my best to get better only to backslide worse than i was before. i wish my eating disorder would kill me already so i do not have to do it myself. I have tried to tell both my boyfriend and my friend about how bad its getting, but neither of them really give a fuck. its getting harder and harder to resist the urges. I have been self harming to try and resist longer, but I am losing the will to stay. the only thing keeping me here is my family, but i fear when my breakup becomes official it might be the thing that pushes me over the edge. i have no one to talk to. at the same time I am starting to become bitter. I have been mistreated and bullied by others frequently throughout my life, and to have the only two people left in my life completely abandon me in my time of need fills me with despair. i keep trying to find reasons to go on but coming up empty handed. i do not know how much longer i can take this. i do not know how much longer i can hold on",Suicidal +26566,"I had a car accident back on Halloween night 2020. I do not have much info other than the car went off road and rolled several times, went airborne, than landed on its wheels again after hitting a rocky wall. Was air lifted from scene to hospital in Indianapolis. Was kept sedated in Neuro ICU for 3 days while on life support ( left lung full of fluid, right one developed pneumonia. Many broken ribs, Sort term memory problems etc, etc. Since the wreck I have had problems with smell and taste ( even showering makes me throw up and/or gag (body wash and soap smells like rotten meat and garbage). Most things I eat and smell are the same. I have suffered with severe pain from a herniated disc at the l4/l5 vertebrae and have had foot drop the whole time. (Seeing neuro surgeon this month and recently received a foot brace that helps me walk normally somewhat) Confirmed by MRI 8 months after the accident. I received nothing for pain, and most times my own family turns the other way when I am in pain because they do not want to hear my moans (It bothers them). I went back to work 4 months after the wreck so that I could maybe be less of a burden ( my fiance had been going above and beyond in helping me, but becoming more strained as time went on and less tolerant of my inability to do ""certain things"") Even work had changed... I was fired as a proto tech a month before covid went BOOM! I am in my mid 40's but I have always been strong, independent and self reliant. I have always worked hard, and for the previous 3 years took better care of myself. I quit smoking cigarettes, quit drinking pop, and eating healthier, worked out on a very rigid and strict routine. But lately I find myself wondering why I keep fighting so hard. My life is mostly pain and misery that I have to keep to myself. I went from 180 pound to almost 300 by December (finally back down to 215 june of this year) I have grandkids that are, wow..when I think about them..I think the are my only anchor. I do not know where to turn or what to say or to whom to say it too. I wish I could go back and not have the accident but I cannot...so how do I make others realize that? I feel so stupid writing this. I am submitting this anyway but I am apologizing in advance. Not actually sure what i am looking for or need, but know I am not in a good place.",Depression +26567,"when i try to hug it again this feeling will not come back,i hate myself 10x times worse i cried really hard tonight bacause i hugged a pillow and it felt like a human",Depression +26568,"I tried reaching out tonight. I tried making multiple posts on R4R, but they were deleted. I guess I am just too much of an ugly, worthy piece of shit to connect with. I have been trying",Suicidal +26569,"This is what society has reinforced in everyone. If you do not have money or looks nobody gives a shit about you, that is the truth. what is the point in living if you are treated as a subhuman second class individual for your whole existence? unattractive and/or poor people have no value",Depression +26570,"i always make mistakes, and bad decisions. i have no skills or talents. i have no accomplishments. i feel like a useless person. my parents make me feel stupid, for every mistake that i make. i feel like I will never be where i want to, because i cannot do simple thing. i never feel like I am good enough. i feel like a stupid person that will never amount to anything. i feel worthless 99% of the time.",Suicidal +26571,"I cannot live like this anymore, this chronic illness has taken everything from me, I barely even know who I am. If it was not for my mother and cat I would already be gone. that is why I just wish something would hurry up and kill me so I do not have to feel guilty about killing myself and leaving behind the people I love. I would not even have to think about it, because I would be dead! So many people died in that heat wave, but not me! Please hurry up and kill me. Even though I do not really believe in a god, I pray for death almost every night. Why will not you kill me??I told myself all those years ago if nothing changed before 30 I would do it. I have 2 months left, but I am not convinced I even can because I am trapped by my own guilt and empathy for leaving behind the two beings I love the most all alone in this horrible dying world. And even if they found a cure to my ailments, it would be just in time for my whole country to go up in flames around me.I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I am sure they will continue to downplay my illness and gaslight me like they have been doing for years. Maybe I will drug myself before the appointment so it hurts less. Everyday I wish something would kill me",Suicidal +26572,"My birthday's in two days, and my ex promise to celebrate my birthday with video call. I should be happy but I do not feel that. I just want my mind to rest a little at my birthday. I want feel happiness, not keep afraid and worry with suicidal thoughts. I want to enjoy that day, laughing with him I am feeling numb today",Suicidal +26573,"In the past 2 months, we were constantly arguing, starting again for a week, then arguing again and again. it is got to a point where she told me that everything I said annoyed her. But now we are good again, we are finally texting somewhat as we used to and began to see each other again. I had a mental breakdown one night and I told her that I would give everything just so it could be as it was before we started arguing, she said that it will not happen again and that I need to get over it. I must note important I note that we were not dating, at least not officially, she never wanted a relationship, but we spent many nights together and she called it ""something between friends and a relationship"". Now to the reason, I do not believe we are done. First off, it is the second time she said we will be just friends and that she does not see anything more of it, but still we ended up another two months being together after that. After she drunkenly told me that she too feels something to me, but she is afraid so she lied to me she does not feel anything. And the second reason is that even though she told me we will be just friends, she still comes over to my house on the same day she told me there will be nothing more to us and cuddle with me all night. So, what do you think? Do I have a reason to not believe her in this or should I accept we are done? She told me we will not be anything but friends again, but I cannot get myself to believe her. Is it justified by my side or am I just in doubt?",Depression +26574,Women do not find interest in me. I am unattractive and a bit socially awkward and weird yet outgoing friendly and kind and funny. I am getting older and I can see my chances of a family fading fast. I have recently be increasingly more depressed. Some very dark thoughts. I am at a loss Forever alone,Depression +26575,"I am so tired of being around. I can smile and laugh throughout the day but inside, I am just exhausted. I am currently listening to promises by Jhene Aiko and her daughter in the song says I promise Ill be alright I always promised myself that Ill be alright but I am not alright. I do not know how to be alright. I am just tired of doing this on my own *sigh* I just want a break",Depression +26576,"In the beginning of my new career of 6 months I finally cracked and cried at work. Dr. A who was scheduled for that day was not in so I was suggested to ask Dr. B if he would be available. He asked me why I came to him. I explain and I say I can find another doctor since he is busy. He sternly tells me no. I readily give him the info and history I had prepared. He is short with me so I insist I can find another dr. as I do not want to interrupt his work. He looks me in the eye and says he will do it. We begin to leave his office & he says Alright, you are keeping me away from this little girls CT. I do not want to upset him further so I do not say anything and we continue to the exam room. The exam we were doing has straightforward objectives but each radiologist has different preferences on supplies and machine settings. Let me say again I have never worked with this doctor before and although I had all the supplies I needed at hand, opened or ready to be opened, I did not expect him to be so particular. Down to the medicine cup. Each step of the exam that I have done multiple times before with other doctors with no problem, he was micromanaging, breathing down my neck, impatient, and frustrated. I am rolling with the punches. He is the doctor, this is his expertise, and I deliver what he wants with the best of my ability bc patient care and a thorough exam is always what is most important. 99% of the time I take work pressure objectively. Specifically this dr. is a dinosaur in the field, so of course he has his own way of doing things. He experiences intense pressure every day and is understandably not going to be rainbows and unicorns. Maybe he was having a bad day. But this time was the 1% I could not mentally handle the pressure and his attitude and tbh the assholery. The exam ended. It was successful. He managed to have small talk with the patient and I to maintain a semblance of bedside manner. He left the room. It was only until when the patient mentioned how mean he was towards me was when I fucking started crying. I always remind myself everyone is going through something. The doctor. The patient. Colleagues. Everyone else at the hospital. I am constantly struggling with my mental health from past trauma. And I just could not hold it in together long enough. This has become a massive wall of text. Thanks if you read all of it, I do not have anyone to vent this to Taking it day by day",Depression +26577,"If this goes again any of the rules, I must have overlooked it. I am sorry. Ill remove it.How do you write a suicide note? A question",Suicidal +26578,I am so sad man. I still feel like 17 sometimes 13. I do not want to be 24. I am getting sonold andni wasted and fucked up my best years My birthday is Friday,Suicidal +26579,"I have no motivation to do anything... like anything, hobbies do not interest me as they did before. I used to like playing video games but now I try and play for like 30 mins and it gets boring when I used to play for a few hours years ago. I used to play basketball but I do not have the same interest anymore... I can play it for probably 30 mins and then it also gets boring when I used to play hours like a few years ago. I have online businesses that I want to start but its impossible to do because I literally have no motivation to start it, I have started other online ventures in the past but now I have no motivation.I literally wake up, go on my PC, and I guess browse the internet for hours. Time goes by fast as fuck even though I do not do anything. Time goes by fast even when not on my PC, like I guess the days go by fast and it feels like I do not have time to do anything... even though I am not doing anything. I forget so much and I do not even remember what happened in the few weeks or remember stuff. I want to do stuff because it feels like I am wasting my time doing nothing. Its been like this for the past 2 years and months go by and I have nothing accomplished. It feels like this year started a few months ago yet we are already half way through the year, its scary and I do not know what to do. Motivation",Depression +26580,"I need someone to talk to immediately, I do not care who you are please respond and let me vent and let me hear your input please, I beg just please I am somewhat scared and panicking right now. Need someone to talk to",Suicidal +26581,I want to be 21 forever. I do not want to get old. I want to preserve my face. Wtf. I am wasting my youth fuck,Suicidal +26582,"I honestly cannot stand it anymore. I am such a fkn asshole bc all I wait for is for my mother to go away so I can kill me self without any worries or anything. I just could not do it to her and idk man. I know no one of you cares bout it but this is the only place I can say this aloud. I want to die, to kill myself be it the way it oughta be. I cannot stand being here, so lucky to have family and everything just to waste it all on me.Why could not just y family hate me so I have no worries about letting it all go? I just want to have any moment and die and have no one remember me, that is all. Everything I get is just wasted on some fucker who is going to kill himself any day now. Idk, I hate to be this lonely but not so lonely to fuck everything and kill meself as I would like toI fkn hate me but I got to move on because I have my mom and let us just hope that I do not have too much time left Idk",Suicidal +26583,"I was raped at age 7,then beat up by the friends of my rapist for being ""gay"".Mentally and physically abused by my bipolar mother until it got so bad she lost my guard to my father after she beat me and my sister so hard we went to the police.After getting to my father's house were 6 long years of tremendous phycological abuse,I was kicked out of my house a total of 3 times one of those spending a year living in my grandfather's house.Backstabbed multiple times by multiple ""friends"" who just used me manipulated me and discarted me.4 relationships were I heard the word ""Love"" followed by a sudden cold shoulder and a goodbye over the phone for no apparent reason.I live alone in a apartment with no one trying to get to college ,no mother,father, sister friends or anything,only a cat that I am afraid would die of hunger if I kill myself cus I spent 1 month with no cellphone and had no call or knock on the door,if I had driven my car into a wall and died maybe my cat would get a new owner and not die starving,so I did thatAs soon as my car was about to hit a wall while I had no seatbelt at 90+ KM/H another car passed by blocking the way, I almost hit the car but I managed to avoid a car crash and killing people who had nothing to do with me.I rather die than spent one more day living in this purgatory,I have night terrors from past traumas,some sort of PTSD sometimes I shake and fall on the floor.Why am I still alive?What does it take for me to finally end this? No mother,father,sister,brother,friends.",Suicidal +26584,I drank a few drinks I feel great a little less sad maybe even brave enough to finish the job tonight who knows I am going to drink some more I really like this vodka Drunk and brave,Suicidal +26585,i just got off the text line with suicide hotline and they were complete and utter trash why do people push that garbage i just want to know if there any point to living because everyone around me seems to pretend their emotions do not exist and my dad and mom could care less if i was dead homophobia,Suicidal +26586,Miss the ease of things I hurt so much and fear all and am angry. I hate you Feelings through music,Depression +26587,"Why live? It will not get better it is an incurable illness. You can stanch it with drugs, but that does not sound like living to me. Some of us here know we will eventually take ourselves out its just a matter of time, but the wars over and we are fighting a lost battle When your permanent state is depression",Depression +26588,"I am sure this'll get lost in a sea of posts just like this but it is fine, I need to vent more than anything, I am sitting here on vacation staring at a beautiful mountain from my balcony and instead of appreciating where I am or just enjoying the view all I can think about is how much I have lost and how much I want to die, my relationship with my best friend went up in flames last year due to my feelings for her and I lost my job in the process (and have been unemployed for around the 13 months since due to the stupid apocalypse), the other person I am closest to moved to another part of the country for work and I have only seen him once in the year since he moved, I would never admit it in person but I have been desperately lonely and the only people I can connect with right now are my parents who are emotionally abusive at the best of times, when I am not job hunting I spend my days at bars trying to force myself to have even the most rudimentary human reactions, days spent like this have turned into weeks which have turned into months and now I am sitting here at over a year in and one way or another I just want it to be over, I cannot live like this anymore I just do not know how much more of this life I can take",Suicidal +26589,i wake up in the morning and just wish to be someone else I am constantly wishing to be someone else and work is getting so hard these days because i do not want people to see me or see how i act around them i do not feel deserving of anything i wish i was the girl in my head who is so wonderful and everyone adores her but I am not I am just fat n lame haha that is me family life is not great either i always end up blaming everything on my parents why could not they have raised me differently why could not i have not seen the things i saw what did i do to deserve this shitty time i want to be happier man my life,Depression +26590,gives a fuck Nobody,Suicidal +26591,"No matter how much i try the pain never stops, i went to therapy multiple times, the only exit is death There is no end.",Depression +26592,"I have such a deep self hatred, mixed with depression, loneliness, and regret. Just a mix of everything... might we call it, a suicide? I am going to do some writing and see how I feel after. I am too scared to actually do it though, so you will probably be seeing me again. I no longer desire life",Suicidal +26593,"I have never been loved in my life, i wish someone did, i feel so lonely and worthless that i always end up crying myself to sleep. I wonder how it feels to be loved.",Depression +26594,"I have been on a waiting list for trauma therapy after years of complete dysfunction and depression. Today, my last local friend made it very clear that they did not really want to spend time with me anymore. They were the last person on my safety plan. I no longer have any friends or family who really care if I kill myself.But hey, the social workers in the ER assure me that outpatient care is the gold standard and it is totally a good thing that my state has no residential inpatient mental Healthcare. Right before telling me I need to put five people on a safety plan to help ensure I am safe. Relying on friends for emotional support has destroyed every single friendship I had. But hey, at least this situation is the gold standard... Ugh. The last person on my safety plan asked to be removed.",Suicidal +26595,"Does anyone else just constantly think about how nice it would be to just fall asleep and not wake up? Like I am not actively making plans and I have good things in my life, but sometimesit just creeps in. Would be nice to have people to talk to who get it. Not actively suicidal - just think about it a lot",Suicidal +26596,"I just wanted to write this out but do not know exactly where then I remember reddit is the only account nobody in my family and friends knows. Well, this is my first time writing this kind of thing so please be patient with me.When I was still at school (I am an adult now) I sometimes think about suicide because of how bad my environment and the people around me treated my family, but I could never ever do it because it will make things even worse for my mom and I never have the courage to do so.But ever since I lived far away (because of work) from anyone I know throughout my school years I have never thought of suicide for one bit despite having lots of hardship, that is until I have to go back home. ""Family"" and ""friends"" I never believe in whatever that term is supposed to mean, they say ""family/friends will always be there to support you""...f-ing bullshit.Well what I am trying to say is every time I am around family/friends (basically people I know throughout my school years) it always makes me feel like reliving my younger self and I hated everything about my childhood I f-ing hate it because it makes me feel like I can never do anything and always thinks that suicide is the answer even though I know it is not.Writing this down made me calm and I already forgot some of the things that I was struggling with at that moment. I do wish to move away again and do therapy but financially speaking that is not an option.To whoever is reading this I thank you and if my words are quite hard to understand I am still learning to better my english. Oh and I am trying to make this as short as possible. Trying to stop thinking about suicide",Suicidal +26597,"Absolutely everything in my life is absolute garbage and it is never going to get better. I am getting absolutely zero quality out of life. Nothing brings me any level of joy or fulfillment anymore. I have way more bad days than good days. I cannot afford any kind of therapy or mental health care. I hate living in this greedy, money hungry, ignorant shameless world. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. This world is an absolutely horrible place for anyone who is not rich or attractive. I am going to die with nothing but more bills to pay. Really thinking about ending it very soon",Suicidal +26598,"it is kind of bizarre to me that I am likely seeing fireworks for the last time and seeing family and doing a whole bunch of things for the last time. I have a date planned where I finally call it quits. I have hate myself for as long as I can remember and have been depressed for so long I simply do not see a way I can recover, it is just the way my brain works now. I have everything ready and no one knows what I am going to do. I just felt like I had to tell someone to at least have some message. I am going to go soon",Depression +26599,"Hello all... it is the first time I am addressing this issue.I have been having suicidal thoughts recently. Sometimes they go away, but they always come back.I dunno, I really doubt someday I will have the courage to actually do it, but I do not know if I am ruining my life in purpose just because of it. I lost a good job recently, I lost interest in things that I used to love, I am turning 25 in a few months and I have not done anything worthy with my life. I was diagnosed with diabetes like a year or so and I have not done anything to control it.I do not know... I am feeling like I am sabotaging myself. I feel like a burden for my family and I have been having thoughts like I would like to get hit by a bus or get killed in someway just to end my and my loved ones suffering. Maybe they will be better without me. Also if someone will cry if I die or if they will remember my face? I barely have any friends and I am not a very social person, so I do not think so. When remember my life I always feel like I am the NPC in my own life. I am very tired of putting a happy face and pretend everything is good while very deep inside I know its not. I am just tired to even try... I am also a very closed person and I do not like to expose myself like this to my family or friends. that is why I came here... I guess I am calling for help. I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +26600,I just told my dad that I have been feeling extremely depressed and suicidal lately and that I kind of want to start seeing a therapist or something and he said that I need to get out of this phase and he just holds everything in I have been isolating myself from everyone and this is the first time I have tried to reach out and tell someone how I feel everyday I think about killing myself I am just so done trying when nobody even cares I am so ready to just give everything up,Suicidal +26601,"this is just going to be a long post me complaining, please read it if you have time and willing to help.right now its 1 week before my final exams and i have barely studied and i just cannot help but panic and keep imagining worst case scenarios about me failingi am is the last year of school and this year basically ""determines your future"" as people say in my country because your grades determines which college you can go to this year has been a living hell for me and its about to get even worsei spend all day isolated in my room and procastinate ,i have been behind in studying all year and when i just think about how behind i am i cannot handle the fursturation and procastinate even more which makes the situation worse until i have reached this point, i never imagined i would be in this condition 1 week before the finalsi really started to hate my self and develop an impostor syndrome because can feel like i am not as good as my other friends ,they could just simply sit and study why am i the only one who feels this immense resistance and fursturation ,also i stopped believing in god and became secretly atheist and i envy my religous friends because they have something to believe in that makes them strong and i have nothing and no one understand what i am going through ,i cannot help but think why am i like this ? all year i have been having non-ending headache and back/neck pain because of scoliosis and the stress makes it worse the worst thing is that my parents expects me to get high grades so i would study engineering but its only a matter of time until they find out how much of the piece of shit i am and get immensely disappointedthey have high hopes for me because i am the only one in my siblings that was good at school but this year i just fucked up my lifei have watched alot of self help stuff but it just does not work anymore ,i lost motivation to help myself i am at the lowest point of my life",Depression +26602,"I would rather work then be bored at someone is house doing nothing. The 4th of july was shit everything is shit I look at amazon store and its so small and boring how is it defeating malls and markets? What an underwhelming simulation where donald is president, corona exists, and i have to witness the collapse of economy and happiness I was brought in this world with no choice and forced to live by human nature and society If assisted suicide existed in this dystopian society economy and ignorant people will be disrupted. why should I keep fighting? I just want to work and maybe do some drugs and blow my brains out man. I mean i do appreciate what mental hospitals can do but how degrading, costly, and boring that would be as an adult. I feel like as an adult i have to make my life or take my lifeTheres no point to anything My Rant",Depression +26603,Bout done with this shit lmao Tired of living with a face that looks like a monster. It literally prevents anyone from being attracted to me. Jfl literally what is the point of living. Ugly,Suicidal +26604,"Wow, you are only depressed if you watch the news? If its December? If someone says something rude to you? If you forget your meds? you are so fucking lucky, I would literally sell my soul to only have depression occasionally. I have tried absolutely everything to get even just one day where I do not feel like this, I have not had a good day in 6 years. But yeah, go off on how you have it so hard because you feel depressed for 2 months out of the year. I am so fucking jealous of people with seasonal or circumstantial depression.",Depression +26605,I just feel like walking out onto oncoming traffic hoping I get hit and its not my fault. No one listens to me.,Suicidal +26606,"I am in mid-conversation with someone who I have lost in life. My parents, my friends who OD'd or shot themselves. it is getting weird. I am not sure if it means anything, but I feel like it does. Also freaking me out a bit too. I am an alcoholic so I very rarely remember my dreams. it is comforting albeit confusing. Almost everytime I wake up lately",Depression +26607,Just tell me how to do it pls i cannot buy stuff i live w my family but i really want to end it all but if you really want to help me,Suicidal +26608,"I want to be alone. Conscious, but alone. Away from society, away from everything. I wish there was a place where time stood still. A lasting dark void, where I could rest in my mind for as long as I needed as I figure this shit out. I always considered suicide as a means to give me peace. But death would not provide peace. There would be no me to feel peaceful. Id feel nothing. Id be nothing.I do not want to die. I also do not want to live this life that I am living. My life is a constant purgatory. Maybe something will happen that will push me to one side or the other, whichever that may be. Death would not even give me what I want",Suicidal +26609,"I masturbated to Loli ( not really) the hentai character was 16 I do not know if that is legal in Japan or not but I know the age of consent is 13. Anyways I did not know the character was 16 until I searched it up . I am a minor myself . I cannot get in jail since its just a drawing and I am minor myself . It was accidental , there is nothing I can really do about it the character is not even real.I do feel like shit tho moral wise . I have been avoiding this topic in my head but a post triggered it . Honestly this has been bugging my mind for a long time .So I need an honest opinion on this.",Suicidal +26610,"Yesterday morning I had to put my beautiful, loving cat to sleep and I just do not know what I am going to do. This is my 3rd cat in 8 years, all of which suddenly die before the age of 3 due to things I cannot control. I took my cat to the vet weeks ago and he was fine, then Friday night he was on the verge on the death. He helped with my depression and anxiety whenever it got super high and I relied on him to help me get through whatever i was going through. He was the most important thing in my life and he got snatched from me in the blink of an eye. I do not know why this keeps happening. I just feel empty and am at the absolute worst pain of my life. My Therapy Cat Is Suddenly Gone After 1.5 Short Years",Depression +26611,"I am not really sure what to do anymore. Everyday, I try so hard to live my life calmly but the panic attacks are slowly draining me of any energy I have left to live. I make it through the day, and then its nighttime, and I feel so empty. I feel like I have no energy to keep doing this every day over and over. I am numb, i do not feel anything anymore. I can feel myself giving up. Exhausted",Suicidal +26612,"it is been a terrible day, few weeks, months.... Years?Today is my favorite holiday, and I worked then was ditched by everyone who cares.Weeks, I was stuck in a car with sullen teens and a grouchy husband while visiting relatives. As an introvert this was excruciating, but I put on a smile, and managed to not scream at anyone.Months... I was not prepared for the Foster program to trigger my past so bad, I was not prepared for the adjustments to Parenthood. I fucking hate being a parent on every level!!!!! But I cannot go back now.Years and years I have been struggling and working to be better, but it is never enough. My soul is exhausted, and I do not know what to do anymore. I am empty, more empty than I have ever been in my life. I hate everyone, and regret most everything.All I want to do is walk away, but common sense says that, that would just make me feel worse in the long run.A stupid meme on Facebook kept me from calling a sucide hotline because I felt like I can do this. I am alone in this world. My theripist is disappointed in me.I am not special or unique. No one cares. Everything and nothing",Depression +26613,"Title says it really , I tried to OD just under a month ago , and now whenever I need to take a tablet or a pill I get this really weird , shadowy feeling on me like something is going to happen.Anyone had something similar or know how to overcome it? After a failed overdose , whenever I take pills I feel really weird?",Depression +26614,"i turn the music up so loud that i feel it vibrate in my chest, filling the spot in my heart where you once were. so loud",Depression +26615,"If you want you could write it down with a bit of ink from a quill. No one will even notice, when you or I start to lose focus. you are lying to yourself if you think you are valued more than a locust. I am mentally ill and I should let the blood spill.",Suicidal +26616,"I am living a good life, I have some dogs, decent enough wealth, I think at least my family truly care about me, nothing wrong has really happened to me. Despite this, I find no joy in life, I have given up on friends and hobbies, and dying just seems right. It feels like my purpose, almost like I do not have a choice, I do not care who Ill hurt, I do not care what people think of my after my death. It will happen soon enough, as it must. But sometimes I daydream of living life and doing fun things. While likely emotionally incapable of many of these things, I still feel that there is some possibility to enjoy life. Though, I tend to deny such hopes. And death just seems so conforting, I fail to see why people dread it. Nothingness is all I could ever truly dream of. And on top of that, it feels possible. I am not sure I even want help anymore. I do not know why I am writing this I guess, perhaps I just want to tell someone, or maybe I want help, I do not even know anymore. My own emotions elude me at times I guess. Sorry for all my rambling. Is there really a reason to stay?",Suicidal +26617,I might jus do it tonight. I am trying to think about it and gain the courage. Tonight,Suicidal +26618,"I have 40 cuts all over my arms. I have not done this to myself since before I got my emotional support dog who just died a little over 3 weeks ago from Cancer/Kidney/Heart/Intestinal disease. That was almost 8 years ago. The other night I went to an old friend's apartment who I had not seen in 10 years because I cannot sleep and am afraid to be alone and crying so much...Not only did he basically pounce on me and pretty aggressively try to have sex/sex w/ me when I kept telling him to chill out and slow down (guess I gave in,) after his friend came I was right next to him snorting codeine and coke and he knows I do not do drugs and do not want to be around it and they were drinking all night...he also looked like he was almost going to die or something at one point and his friend told him to sit down and I could not get home as he paid for me to take an Uber all the way an hour out there and I feel very sick...I lost 4 pounds in one day...I cannot sleep....I cannot stop thinking about it and I also told him I do not ever want to be friends again either (he ignored all my texts since I had left.) Am I being too dramatic? This is THE most vulnerable I have EVER been in my life... Relapsed very badly with self-harm tonight. Not only is my dog gone and I was all alone for the first time in 8 years, the other night I witnessed an old friend using coke/codeine and whiskey all together. Is it normal to be even more traumatized now?",Suicidal +26619,first time dying kind of nervous I am a poosy feeling weird,Suicidal +26620,"...do not even know what to say. I feel like literally nobody actually wants me in their life. I am single, and apparently friendless too. Feel like if I did not still live with my parents I would actually see nobody outside of work. The small group of friends I have just had a 4th of July bbq and nobody invited me or even told me it was happening.",Depression +26621,"I have screwed up my life and it is too hard to undo it. Suicide is so tempting, so very tempting.I got no one to help me and do not have the resources to pay for help. Also lack the energy and motivation to look much for it. So here I am on Reddit typing to a bunch of strangers. It is easier to spill stuff here than to actually try to figure out my life again. Ill got to bed but will not sleep and in the morning things will only look worse. I have screwed up my life and cannot undo it.",Suicidal +26622,I am so sad. Its my birthday tomorrow and my husband and I are fighting and I am so sad. Hes so mean. Hes mean then he tells me its my fault and gaslights tf out of me and plays victim. I am so sad. I want to kill myself on my birthday. I want a gun for my birthday so I can kill myself,Suicidal +26623,"I am an animal lover and I will often have these moments where a video or article or something I see in person will remind me that animals are literally always suffering horrifically somewhere. Whether wild or pets, there is always an animal injured, dying, lost, scared, sick, hungry, abused, alone....somewhere out there. I know Mother Nature is harsh, but it still hurts to see. Even worse when the suffering is caused by humans. To know there will always be so many animals out there suffering at any given time is suffocating. Are other animal lovers able to cope better? How do animal lovers with depression not get constantly suffocated by knowing there is always an animal suffering somewhere?",Depression +26624,"The way I describe my depression is it is hell. I am tired all the time no matter how much I sleep I do not feel recharge even if I sleep for a good amount of time or take sleep medication because you just know your brain is saying stay up all night. I do not have friends because I do not trust anyone which leads me to fearing for my future I mean how can I find a partner and love them if I cannot trust anyone. I am 23F and I do not do anything I should be doing at my age and it just gets worse with age. I feel like a zombie watching the world go by. No one understands in my family saying happiness is a choice, well it is not when you have depression when everyday your brain is feeling you, you suck, the world sucks, nothing you do will ever matter, just die already, so on and so on. You cannot find anything that makes you happy and when you do it is gone just like that. You want help but that help will not be able to change the life you lived will not change the choices you have made it the life you live now only make you expect what is happening when all you want to do is rage and yell. My experience with depression",Depression +26625,"Literally no one in my life except for my boyfriend knows that I am dealing with anxiety and depression and feeling suicidal. I do not tell them because they do not care. Like I genuinely know for a fact that they do not because my family is full of narcissistic assholes. Anytime I talk about my problems they just lecture me. For example, I was just talking with my brother and a friend about a potential opportunity at work that I could take and make significantly more money... but I am reluctant to take it because it involves more hours and my mental state is so bad I can hardly get out of bed to go to work as it is. Though, I did not even get around to explaining this because my brother immediately lectures me on having no motivation and how there should be no debate on taking that opportunity I started to say well, you know... and he says no I do not know. I say you do not get it and he says no I do not. No one would Fuck you dude. No shit I have no motivation. You would not either if you spent nearly every moment on the verge of putting a bullet in your fucking head. Funny though, I guess I should have more motivation to make that money because I had to put my gun in the pawn shop to pay rent and am struggling to get it out now. Fuck dude. Nobody fucking gets it. I am drunk and just need to vent",Suicidal +26626,"I am sober sober, no weed and nicotine and nothing fun in-between, I like it my bodies changing. But just bc I am no longer physically dying does not mean I am not the same person living the same life. Idk if changing who i am for the better and I do not see an outwardly benefit then what is the point. Suicide been on my mind for ages, I got reasons to keep going but every year sucks dick. What happens when I become the physically fit clear headed loser instead of the loser I am now. What would you do if you did all that change and nothing got better?",Suicidal +26627,I think I am gunna sneak out tonight and do it maybe tommorow night idk. I am writing my notes Imma do it,Suicidal +26628,"I feel like I have been losing support recently, and I take that as a sign that I should stop resisting suicide.I talk a lot on a mental health support forum. It seems whenever I talk about my ""break-up"" (almost relationship), I do not get a very good response.I self-harmed the other day, after being unusually upset about seeing my ex. I said:>If I got any worse, plan was to call an ambulance to the store, but there was no-one at work that I trusted.This guy said:>So next time you are triggered by seeing your ex, what is ""your plan"" for dealing with it in a healthy way instead?Another person suggested that I was not actually dehydrated, it was just psychological stress. Kind of hard to believe.He said that I am responsible for my own reactions, and that I should not call her ""my ex"". He apparently calls his own ex ""the mother of my children.""I feel like people cannot imagine what I have been going through. I have never been in a real relationship before. No-one who tries to help me can understand what that is like.I am so much more hopeless than even people who have committed suicide... so why would I fight it?TLDR: Title. When did you stop talking about your thoughts?",Suicidal +26629,"I feel like I was doomed from the beginning of my life. My sperm donor did not want me, he told my mom to abort me but she did not for some reason. She was barely around growing up i was with my grandma and other family. Growing up i was sad i did not have a dad, i thought he cared about me and missed me while he was in jail. But when my mom decided to move bc he was getting out i did not want to go bc i was younger and did not want to leave my friends etc. But i ended up coming and it was a huge mistake. These last years were horrible i found out the truth about everything, i was told he did not want me, she threw my stuff on the side of the road, told me to kill myself, she hated me, some of the worse things a parent could say. And he was no better, i heard this from both parents. But long story short i moved to a new state just to be treated like trash, not have any friends, no family, nothing. I feel dead inside, i think about suicide everyday because what is the point of living in a world where no one cares about you. I do not get out of bed some days i have no motivation for anything, i used to want to be a pharmaceutical scientist but i just gave up. Hearing stuff like your slow, fat, lazy really gets to you. A parent that loves their kid would try to get them help and not yell at them for being sad and tell them i do not want to be around you, i do not want to be your parent, your energy is bad, your lazy, no one wants to deal with you but me. I am tired of dealing with life. I have grown to dislike myself when i look in the mirror i cry, i hate how i look, i feel ugly. I tried the whole being positive and seeing the good in every situation but it got me no where. But if anyone reading this wants to be a parent remember to be nice to your kids and they never forget anything you say to them. i hate myself, I am tired of pretending to be happy, I am sick of being positive, and I am tired of being ignored",Suicidal +26630,"I am 23. A college graduate (continuing education). I have struggled with depression for about 13 years now and with body image for a few years now. Recently I have been in a rut. A deep rut that feels like I will not ever get out of. Most days I repeatedly play things over in my head and think about suicide. I am so incredibly lonely. I do not know what to do with myself most of the time. I take antidepressants. See a therapist. But honestly everything feels hopeless. Like a waste of time and money. As a male I find it hard to talk to people about my feelings out of fear of scaring people off. I tried to find hobbies and dating has been nonexistent. I constantly tell myself I am not good enough, this stemmed from my ex telling me that I am too awkward to find someone as well as comparing my lack of physical attractiveness to other guys. I am honestly at a point where I do not want to go on any longer. It would crush my family but I honestly think at this point that not being here would be more beneficial and less emotionally taxing on them than me constantly giving off a depressing vibe. I could go on but I do not want to sound like a broken record so that is where Ill end this post. All I can think about is depression",Depression +26631,"I go to uni in a few months(I did not get into the school I wanted so I am already extremely depressed, and everyone I know got where they wanted or got into somewhere extremely prestigious(Stanford, MIT, UCLA, UCB, etc.))and I have been thinking lately, do I want these people in my life anymore? I plan to do this after college, as I am still financially dependent on someone. I hate my family, that is certain, but would doing this make me the bad guy? It would seem like all I cared about was money when in reality I just wanted solitude and a place I can be myself. I hate keeping contact and trying to fix my relationship with such toxic people but I have no escape! God what have I become?&#x200B;I try to think about a life with them where I main minimal contact, but still talk to them every now and then, just so I do not seem like an asshole. &#x200B;What should I do? I should not be having thoughts like this at my age but I am. Should I estrange my family?",Depression +26632,"I lost all of my hobbies and passions, I do not have a job, I am failing school (for the second year in a row), and I do not have any friends IRL or online. Most of my time I spend it staring at a screen, wondering what is wrong with me.I cannot draw, or write, or play video games, or even brush my goddamn teeth. I cannot do anything, I cannot even talk to people who are not my partner. Every conversation is painful, my hobbies feel like chores, there is nothing I want to do. You could give me everything I ever wanted and I would be as unhappy.Is there a way out? Is there anything I can do to make it stop?I feel like I have tried everything: meds, journaling, therapy, reaching out, even attempting, and every single time I end up in the same place. Lonely, pained, bored.I have a good life, why cannot I be happy? I have plenty of reasons to be, just please let me be happy. what is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I am so ungrateful, so worthless, always wasting, always losing.I just want to be content with myself, do things that I enjoy, take care of myself, and have goals. Why is that so hard? Aimless, hopeless",Depression +26633,"Seriously, when I look back at all my attempts all I am filled with is deep regret I did not go through with it. Not one single moment even the best of them has been worth the following pain and discomfort that I live with on a daily basis. I hardly feel anything for anyone anymore as well and it is just miserable watching all my current relationships slowly dry up into nothingness. I truly despise being brought into this god forsaken world Each day I do not off myself is another day I will regret later",Depression +26634,Straight to the chase I met this girl online about 2 months ago we been talking for so long and are online dating although it sounds corny I am desperate. I just had her call me today she was at a 4th of July party and she was drunk. She calls me with her friends saying she kissed 2 brothers dicks and saying some other weird shit I immediately hung up and just started reflecting on life I am not even sad right now tbh I am just fucking tired of life and all this bull shut so I am venting on Reddit. When does it get better man I am so damn tired,Depression +26635,"Been going through a break up, I cannot stand her treating me as if i was nothing so I keep questioning her decision so that she would hates me and blocked my number. She offered me to breaking up and refused to block my phone number but I declined, enabling myself to chat her will just makes everything worst so I make the dumbest and hardest decisions I have ever made. Now I am lonely with the thought that everything probably would have been better if i was not such a fool, i had my families and friends but really i still feels so lonely rn. I feel rejected after her last message to me ""I just do not want you anymore"" Even tho I was the one who caused all of this Just me and my thought",Depression +26636,I am at my breaking point and I am done. I do not trust friends and I do not trust family and I hate the pain. Is there a (semi) peaceful way to go?,Suicidal +26637,"Every success I have ever had in life has only come to me because I have been extremely lucky. In high school, I applied to one college early, and got in. Senior year of college, I was so depressed and incapacitated that I managed to send off one grad school application, and somehow got accepted. As grad school was ending, I was still too depressed to actually do any work applying for jobs - I just replied to an email that got sent to a mailing list I was on, and miraculously got hired. Last year, I got laid off because of COVID, and again could not even work up the motivation to send my resume anywhere. Then my old boss called me and offered me my position back, because somebody else quit and a spot opened up.I have never done any work to deserve any of these things. I feel like I cannot actually function as an independent adult - I just wait for things to magically fall into my lap and keep me going for another year. Every time I am on my way to rock bottom, I manage to make it back up to the surface of water and keep on desperately gasping for air for just a little while longer. I honestly wish that I could finally just drown and get it all over with. Everything I have is down to pure luck, and I do not deserve it.",Depression +26638,"Idk how much longer I can keep faking being normal around people. It just seems like no matter how hard I try to improve my situation things just stay the same or new shit piles on. I am lonely, and feel angry about being lonely. I sometimes think about lowering my standards which I do not think are high but no clue why I cannot find anyone to be with. I hate my job but no one wants to pay me as much with the same benefits or they are looking for someone else. I work out and do hobbies all the time yet I am out of shape and still feel stressed. I feel paranoid and cannot trust my family or friends as I feel that they only talk to me when they need something unlike me who checks in on them just to see how they are doing I mean phones work both ways.... It just seems like nothing is working out no matter how much I try or burn myself at both ends I feel exhausted and do not even know why I am doing this anymore. I do not even dream anymore my sleep consists of a short few second black void and then I wake up to go through my daily drag everyday. I try reaching out to my so called friends and family and I just get a ""oh I am sorry"" or generic ""are you ok?"" With no follow up and my family just seems to downplay it by telling me how much worse they have it and why I should not he depressed. I just feel like a wreck small things set me off from people rushing me to even seeing couples in public. I just feel that there is nothing to be happy about and tbh idk why I even bother just pointing out I am not planning on doing anything stupid before someone tries to say I am en danger or something and sorry for the vent I have no idea who else to talk to honestly The big sad just keeps getting deeper",Depression +26639,"About a week ago I started my first real letterbut then I stopped. I finished it tonight. it will still be a couple months before it is all said and donelogistics.I have struggled with suicide all my life. Even made some attempts when I was young. When I met my wife over a decade ago, I thought I was okay. That I could keep all the abuse boxed up like I was taught. What they do not teach you is that life keeps happening and more bad stuff gets added. My box overflowed and I lost my way.Then I lost my wife. My light was gone. I did my best to carry on and even though she did terrible shit, she gave me enough hope at reconciliation that I started to get better.Thenlifeand lifeand more life. StillI persisted. Things got better. I got stronger. There was still hope.We had a date last night even though I am sure she would not call it that. It was great. We spent the night together. She cuddled for the first time in months. I stayed awake all night.The wheels fell off this morning and throughout the day. I am not putting them on again. I am getting off the ride. The hope is gone. She will be a widow before she can divorce me. I am leaving her everything. She will have more than enough for a completely fresh start. It feels like the best gift I could ever give her. Freedom from me and a new beginning. The feeling is oddI think its peace.SometimesI think some of us are damaged so much that without whatever source of light in our darknesswe just have to let go. I hopein timeshe and those closest to me will realize that this was not selfish, but instead selfless.I love you. The Reckoning",Suicidal +26640,"Trigger warNING!! MenTION of suicIDAL thougHTS!!I feel so unloved. I do not think I have any friends anymore. The friends I used to have just got popular and I guess they do not have time for me anymore. No one answers my messages or pays any attention to me, except for a few close family members. I just do not understand what is so unlovable about me.Sure, of course I have a lot of flaws. I have crippling social anxiety, gen. anxiety, and a learning disorder, as well as other mental health issues, so I guess I can isolate myself at times because of that, and I have trouble holding a conversation and struggle with social skills. But even when I do reach out to people, they just ignore me. it is so painful being blatantly ignored by my ""friends"" while I see them post pictures online of them with spending time with other people. I just do not understand what is so unlovable about me.I wish someone would just tell me. ""I do not want to be your friend anymore because you are boring"" ""I do not like you anymore because you are extremely ugly"", fuck, idk, I just hate having to wonder. it is like I am cursed to be lonely for my whole life. And it honestly causes me to have suicidal thoughts.If I am never going to have friends or anyone who truly cares about me, I would rather just put myself out of my misery than live like this. I just feel so disgusted by myself, because there must be something wrong with me for my life to be this way. I do not know, I guess that is just what on my mind. I really appreciate any support I may receive and being able to share how I feel. So, thanks for listening. Isolation",Depression +26641,I have been lonely for so long. Almost 26 and still never had a gf. My only close friend that I have known since high school is a total chad. 6ft tall & good looking. His tinder matches literally beg him to fuck them while I have been on multiple apps for 5 years and barely get anything. He did not do anything wrong and hes trying to help me get over my depression but i just fucking resent him so much. I know that I would instantly feel so much better if 1 girl showed interest in me. He said hell keep helping me even though I keep pushing him away but I think hell stop soon with how I am treating him. Resenting my only friend,Depression +26642,"I really just cannot do this anymore. Being alone, this loneliness, it is getting to me. My best friend ignores my messages and does not talk to me, I am waiting for the next bad thing to happen, I cannot deal with this grief and depression, I just feel dead. Like a part of my soul has been ripped out, like I have been chipped away over the years, every trauma destroying another integral part of me. I do not take my meds because I do not deserve to get better. This is penance, I deserve it, I know that, but I just cannot do it anymore. I cannot be alone like this. I started writing a suicide note but I am so depressed I could not even write more than five words. I guess that really just says it all. I am so fucking lonely",Suicidal +26643,When the only thing I have ever cared about or looked forward to has been taken from me. I have one hobby that made me happy. I financially cannot do it anymore and mentally cannot do it anymore because of harassment and bullying from people in the community. I do not see it getting any better financially and I have been in therapy for as long as I can remember to get help with my social anxiety and other mental issues that make it fucking impossible for me to deal with people like that. I am fucked I am fucked I am fucked what is the fucking point,Suicidal +26644,The corporations own us and injustice is still most of what the world is. Climate catastrophe is incoming and there is nothing we can do about it. I do not even think I want to die; I would rather live in a better world but that is like asking for a fucking unicorn for Christmas. I want to escape before it gets worse but there is nowhere to escape to. The leaders and rulers killed us all before we ever found justice. I cannot bring myself to do anything for myself anymore. I cannot bring myself to die because I am too chicken shit. I cannot find a point to living. I get to the point that I desperately want to tell others to end their lives so they can get off this planet before it becomes hell. I genuinely want to do that so much so often; to tell people that suicide *is* the answer. that is where I am at now. There is not really a future.,Suicidal +26645,"I lost my job, my girlfriend of over 10 years broke up with me, my kids have always drove me but I think the best is if I were not here anymore. I have never had these thoughts running through my head before. Its a sign or something. I might be considered a coward afterwards but maybe it will get people to stop thinking so nicely of me and truly see me for the real piece of shit I am. I am in a black hole and I cannot get out. This is the end",Suicidal +26646,"When I go, I will not say goodbye. Life is so hard. Why did you make me believe I meant the world to you and then say you are sorry, you lied. I learned to be okay and then you came into my life, promised you would look after me and love me. Its like I do not have real feelings, I am supposed to be okay.. I am not okay.. When I go, I will not say goodbye. you will read about me, that is when you will find out.. but you will not get to say goodbye because it will be too late.. When I go, maybe you will know not to do to anyone else, what you did to me.. Death",Suicidal +26647,"I am 17 and from London and all my life I have been living torturing myself without realising it. The way I think is so messed up and it stemmed from an early child, which I am regretful of not fixing. it is only since last year that I realised that there was something severely wrong with me. I do not have a sense of being a child because I have no friends and self isolated myself my whole life without knowing how affecting it is on a kid. I never went out during high school and i do not remember primary. During high school I came home straight after school and i did not even go out on weekends. And I had a totally warped perspective of school, where I took it too seriously. I did not realise anything wrong with this until this year or so and its haunting me. Further more, I grew up quickly when I was young but it went far left. My mum passed when I was 9 and life just hit me hard and anything bad in my life was exaggerated due to this. Like I was poor and that got to my head, that I was insecure about my clothes, now I just go out with those clothes, I was saddened that I could not have experiences or buy things like other kids. I have a lack of support system. My parents fully care about me and are overprotective but they never showed this love. Like growing up they never gave me any advice or tips, did not take me anywhere like shops that normal parents do and I get really jealous when my friends talk about their experiences playing sports with their dad or going shopping with their mum. I do not know if this is neglect but I cannot balme my parents because they do care about me and at the end of the day they are not abusive. Also, I got addicted to porn at a very young age, I am not sure when I started but I remember trying to quit at 12 years old. I remember this trip at school and I was just so stressed from watching porn because I was scared I was going to die. Well it is 5 yrs on and idk dying. I probably started at 9. Obviously this was probably an indirect attempt from my brain to soothe my pain from that time of my vicious life. But then I think the worst part is not the first half of my life where I lost my mum, my dad worked hard by himself, my stepmom came and worked hard for me eventhough she did not know me. The hard part for me is the 2nd half were I loved so blindly to torturing myself, I grief my childhood, I never felt like a child. I cannot remember any memories because of the high stress and I feel like I have lived a negative thousand years and I do not feel like a 17 year old. I have been going counselling since the beginning of this year and it barely helps. My whole life feels like an illusion. I never understood school for what it was, I never had a social life until I recently started developing one and I realised that the way I lived which I thought was normal for hurt teenagers was actually psychological torture. I cannot help to keep thinking that I have not lived yet even though I am 17 and it hurts. I am 17 and do not want to live anymore",Suicidal +26648,"I have no reason to live and I am so fucking tired. I miss being happy, I miss having family, but now I have nothing and I feel like living is pointless. Honestly thinking about ending it",Suicidal +26649,"My mother has been so controlling over my life, I am so sick of being under the submission and rule of my parents just because they provide me with shelter. I am in debt from college because they told me I should go, now I have an almost useless degree. they are interfering with my relationship with my girlfriend and it is driving her further away, and she is the only person I really have left. They took away my driver plates because they told me I was going out too much. I am 25 years old and going out a lot to them is me not being home 2 sometimes 3 days of the week. I have to work the rest because I have to save up to pay off my loans. I have been ideating a lot recently and I hate that I am. I almost died when I was 3 at Niagra Falls because I almost jumped into the waterfall. and sometimes I wish my uncle did not save me from the blissful sound of the white noise that would have enveloped me and took away all my future pain. My family is tearing me apart",Suicidal +26650,"I have gotten better with depressive thought spirals like this over the years. I know I have. And this time, I have just been countering the thoughts with other thoughts, about all the good which I KNOW is there, all the reasons I have to be alive, all the things which I have *concrete plans to do* once things get better (because I am going to fucking force them to be better even if I have to improvise).But goddammit everything is just too much. The chronic pain. The medical neglect. The constant anxiety because I am in the presence of my parents because I fucking live here and I will have to CONTINUE living here for 2 years MINIMUM, which is simultaneously a LOT and BARELY ANYTHING AT ALL, but so much can happen and I am always at the verge of hyperventilating. I think the peak of summer heightened the neglected pain as well, which ended up...... everything is on a precarious sort of balance and is about to collapse. I am about to collapse.I have almost collapsed and actually collapsed many times before and I do not fucking want it to happen again even though my brain keeps saying, ""down a bottle of poison"" (*what* poison? family regime outlaws pretty much any effective medicines and all I have is a bottle of hand sanitizer, which would not actually kill me and I am not going to fucking do it so why must the thought keep coming back).I know how to fight against the thoughts, and now that, ""remind yourself of why you need to stay!! your creative projects are worth more than your problems!!"" is getting EXHAUSTING (because I do not have enough good things to counter the bad things with) I am going with the distraction strategy, but goddammit I am so so so tired. I am so tired, I feel like a trapped animal bleeding out on the street, I am just fucking exhausted. I just want to,,, un-suicidal my brain",Suicidal +26651,You ever want to suicide? Death just said I am too alive i do not want to work at a job from a 9 to 5. Hang me with my suit and tie. I just want to be gone. I have not even begun to understand what a tragedy i have belonged to.So marry your sanity too much insanity like a shot life is collateral it takes itself and an animal. I am done do not want to take shit. Life is my story but works makes it feel so makeshift.(Sing) I am your sanity and you are ripping me in millions. The dark has took control and its coming for the killing. How could i ever get you to this feeling? You ever want to sleep forever i do not want to suicide I am too alive. Wondering why I am here and who am i? A pawn from dusk till dawn an expendable. Air dependable my soul and repenting I am unsendable. Bury me in ashes my grave. To life I have been a slave. The law says to behave and my soul is so depraved. I have been folded i have caved my stomach is packed like a rave. I am slowly choking.I have been done with hoping the empty of the empty. Dissociated from my senses the messages you send me. Depression Poem,Depression +26652,"Hello everybody,My name is Aria. I am a F (26). I have lived with chronic back pain since almost 3 years ago after an accident I had. I am a med student, on my third year. I live with my ex girlfriend as my family is not very close and they do not really care about me. My ex is really sick of me, I try not to bother her I cook , I clean even tho I am awfully deppressed and tired. I try to be a good roommate as she is the one that pays for the bills.But she is so mean with me, she really mistreats me constantly. And I cannot go back to my house cuz they are worst emotional abusers. I am trying to get a job but working while studying med is not easy and rent is pretty expensive here, I live in Costa Rica, plus all my medical bills. I am feeling really suicidal and the sad part is that, its not that I want to die per se, I just do not think I can handle this anymore. What do you guys think, why is life worth living? Is life worth living?",Suicidal +26653,"I am 15 years old. I have fucked my life up so bad. about 8 months ago I cut all my friends off. started smoking crazy amounts of weed + more hardcore drugs, only left my house to buy drugs. I think I have given myself brain damage. I have no emotion. only dark thoughts. that is all. I am gone so far into this dark pit I do not think I will ever be able to live a normal life again. suicide is on my mind. when I am bored I make suicide notes up in my head. I do not even know why I am saying this here. I guess I just need to let it out. I cannot keep a routine. my sleep schedule is terrible. I barely see sunlight anymore.I just want to rest. writing this at 6am. accepting I am depressed. I am weak minded.",Depression +26654,I make such dumb decisions all the fucking time and hurt people as a result. I do not mean to. I do not want to hurt or upset anyone. I am so so sorry. I do not want to do it anymore. I want to die. I make dumb fucking mistakes and I can never fix them no matter how much I try,Suicidal +26655,how do you guys overcome rejection in love?what should i do to feel normal again?is it okay to fall for someone who is into me?lastly how to trust someone? i feel like everyone i believe always make lie in some point and hide everything from me. some simp questions,Depression +26656,"This is not an episode, I have felt this way more than half of my life. I think we all feel this way about something in our lives.. something we cannot change because it is a part of us. What we, ourselves being our biggest critics, consider our biggest flaw. Mine is ANY social interaction.I mean: parents, sibling, family, friends, girlfriend, and best friend. I just overall hate talking to anyone and I love living inside my own head. I care for people, but I am done talking with other people due to the pure fact that no matter how close I am to people, I am just too internally nervous to be around anyone.I need a better job to seek a therapist... which will come in 7 months, but I guess I am just venting until then. I hate that everyday is the same but anything that should be exciting is not..I just need someone to relate with. I did not know where to go..",Depression +26657,"I am bipolar, and when I think my life is going good I spiral and have episodes and fuck up my relationships when I am crazy. I just want to be healthy and not have to worry about this demon inside me. I have been contemplating suicide constantly, and I am so tired of being alive. I do not want to be here anymore",Suicidal +26658,"day in day out. the same thing. over and over. my life has no meaning no joy no nothing. i feel for a girl with a boyfriend and she talks to me less and less and i do not want to push it because id hate to be a home wrecker. I am attractive so sure i probably could pull it off but id hate to do that. I have got no reason to stay. everyone says ""think of your siblings and your mom."" so I am staying for someone else. that is it? I am staying to prevent sadness in someone else.? when my very existence hurts me.? I have always put other people before myself. and it seems even when it comes to my very life I am still doing that. death is a scary topic for me either way. i do not believe in any god so I am afraid i just cease to exist. which i suppose is indeed the point but it sounds horrifying. I am growing tired. i lost all my friend because they were homophobic and transphobic and snakes. i wish i had a relationship. it would not fix my problems but it would give me the love I am lacking. I am so tired. Its a pain when you realize you have got no reason left to stay.",Depression +26659,"I push myself from early every morning till late at night. Every day. The work hardly pays off because my life is still shit due to the choices of those around me. I am so exhausted. it is hard to control how much I want to die. I took a bunch of melatonin to escape into sleep. There are so many people who want to live, but I do not understand how. I have been trying so damn hard",Suicidal +26660,"My life went to shit three weeks ago, I lost the only person who really supported me, many of my ""friends"" left me alone. Any hobby I had has disinterested me, I do not feel the same as when I did the things that I really loved. Along with that, I suffer from gender dysphoria, I do not know if I am a girl or a boy, I do not feel good about myself, I do not know if people are going to accept me as I am. I made a promise to someone about not trying to kill myself or anything like that, but I have a hard time not thinking about just giving up this whole shitty life.The only thing left for me is to cry. Sorry if I am not making myself understood, I am using google translator as I write this. I lost everything I loved.",Suicidal +26661,The chances that someone will support you is very low. Who knows the number of people who have ended their lives on here and posted here multiple times? This is all a lie. do not promise something you cannot give to people. You cannot say you will get support when the majority of the time it is hard for even one person to notice you and the one person that does is completely clueless of what you are saying. This is not peer support.,Suicidal +26662,I am chronically suicidal since I was 10. I have been struggling for about 9 years now and my symptoms have only gotten worse with age. I have panic attacks on a daily and I can barely function some days. I have been to several therapist and psychiatrist but things are not getting better. I have been hospitalized already by a past suicide attempt. I plan to kill myself in the next days. I hate myself for it since I am lucky to have a supportive and loving mother. I just want to ask if I should hospitalize myself until my medications are worked on and hopefully I become stabilized. I know I am self pitying and that this is pathetic but I just want someone is help on this decision while I have my head on right for the moment. I do not know what to do.,Suicidal +26663,I am an alcoholic and have been trying on and off for a year to stop drinking. I have gone 4 days now sober after drinking a half bottle of tequila every day for over a month straight. The last week that I had been drinking I came pretty close to commiting suicide. Scared myself and decided I needed to be serious about being sober. Now that I am on a sober streak its even worse. My minds more clear so the pain and loneliness feels worse. My minds more clear so making and following through with a plan seems easier I thought being sober would stop these feelings,Suicidal +26664,"I just cannot take it anymore. I am so sad. I cannot take another rejection. Every woman I have ever loved has been taken away by a man who is 1% better than me. How am I supposed to keep my spirits up when its just one failure after the next? I am a manager in finance, I am in shape, just average looking (not below, just average). I am sitting by myself on a holiday, tears in my eyes, age 34, remembering apathy from everyone I have opened up toI do not know where to go from here. Do I just live a single life forever? Do I keep facing more rejection? This is awful. No more, please",Depression +26665,"Why do not I just buy bleach and drink it. that is my plan today, Its too much now. Before I already knew it was too much and I have been waiting for my time to finally die and now I have a chance at it. Fuck my family, I do not care if they feel sad that I die. Dying is what will finally make me happy. My family specifically my sister has caused me nothing but pain. I cannot even go around her without being reminded of how much pain I have gone through. Everything reminds me of her and I am sick of it, so my sister be damned I am taking my chance. I am only 14, why did I have to go through any of the stuff I have at such a young age. Does anyone even care? Whatever. what is the point",Suicidal +26666,"So i was typing this message to my ex(she recently broke up with me) but decided against it as I do not want her to feel bad.Little backgroundHad depression my whole lifeFirst tried killing myself at 5 or 6 but have not tried to in many yearsIntermittently had good days, weeks, months and years between the bad(as most do)do not know if I am so used to the pain that i do not know what real happiness is or Id rather be dark because its what i know. It feels weird typing this.I cried for the first time in so many years. My depression is crushing me so much of the time even though you would never know. I do not think i could look in the mirror and say one thing i like about myself, most of the time i feel like i should punch myself. I see a picture of myself and. Its almost repulsive. I was born being choked by my own umbilical cord. Probably should have died then.You suggested therapy but there is no way I am going and it will not help, how do you help someone just born feeling this way? The only thing they do is give you drugs to mask the pain and i took those for years and was a literal zombie. I never feel really right around people and I have never seen myself really having an actual friend. (Left out some other stuff about how i am glad she left me so she can be happy yada yada but that is the main part) Recent very dark days",Depression +26667,"This week I had to move back to my hometown because our landlord kicked us out. I am back in a place I hate and all my negative emotions are coming creeping back. My family causes me stress, my friends hate being around me because I am autistic and just do not want to tell me I annoy them. I have literally nothing to live for. All I ever do is ruin everything. I am a loser, and nothing will matter when I am gone. I am a Loser",Suicidal +26668,I cannot wait for the moment that my shitty life ends. I will kill myself today,Suicidal +26669,"Unfazed. Unbothered.There was something bothering me, but now that I got it off my chest, instead of feeling better, I feel nothing.I do not even feel like listening to music and having a breakdown, like I have been doing for the past 5 or so days. I do not feel like killing myself either. I just feel... nothing.And I hate it I hate it so bad. For as long as I felt pain, at least I felt something. But now it is all gone. I am gone. I am back to being the boring she will of a person I once was, and I hate it. I feel empty.",Depression +26670,"Its exhausting pretending that I want to get better for my parents who are very loving and supportive but its just not true. If I do not end my life before adulthood my life will be full of self destruction that I cannot get away with now since my parents know I cut and I still live at home. Therapy is awful and I cannot help feeling nothing but embarrassed when it comes to explaining stuff. Opening up does not help me, it only helps the person on the receiving end feel better to think they can help. I just wish no one cared about me. Id swap places with a kid in a neglectful household in a heartbeat. My family is loving and wants to help and all I end up doing is lying and coldly push them away. I do not deserve nor want support. I only yearn to kill myself and die alone which will probably end up happening anyway regardless.15M I wish people stopped caring and gave up on me just like I gave up on myself",Suicidal +26671,I know my parents would be devastated if they saw my dead body but I would not have to see their reaction because I would be dead. this is an awful thought but I had to share it somewhere,Suicidal +26672,"i am so tired of constantly thinking about dying. i have no will to live, which makes it harder to do my daily tasks, i literally have to push myself into doing anything. there is a constant whining in my brain about wanting to die. i feel so fucking lonely and i do not even know why I am so sad all the time. i haveva family and a job, i do not have many friends but that is ok i guess. i just want it all to end, I am so tired of pretending to be fine when I am constantly thinking about slitting my wrist or throat tw : self harm",Depression +26673,"I do not know what is wrong with me. I think I have depression and ADHD. But i do not know if I am actually mentally ill or just lazy. I want to get things done but I cannot bring myself to actually do them. Things like doing the dishes or laundry, get gas hell even eating. I literally cannot move my body to do those things. I just want to sleep so I do not have to think about anything, my mind can slow down and I can be at peace. I hate being alone but people aggravate me so easily. I do not want to be home but I do not want to be anywhere else either. Its just a constant feeling of being lost but also not having a destination to aim for. I have a great family and friends and I know they would be devastated if they lost me but to a certain extent I do not care. I know its selfish but its the truth. I do not want to live for others I want to live for myself and if I do not care if I do then what is the point. I just do not know",Depression +26674,"I cry every time I am alone, I feel so sad and lonely all the time. I try to be around friends as often as I can but I get overwhelmed easily. I just moved into my own space and I feel it might not be the best decision. I had a friend that I felt connected to and was really happy being around but he got into a relationship and just left me without a warning. I do not want to be upset or ask questions because everyone has a right to live however they want but this just took me back to being my sad and suicidal (mostly passive) self and I am exhausted. I am tired of trying to be strong. I am tired of feeling so much emotions then numbness the next hour. I cannot stop crying",Depression +26675,I want to kill myself but I do not want to hurt my family and I have a one year old daughter. I am so depressed and my husband wants a divorce. :/,Suicidal +26676,"Everyone fucking disappears without a trace or in a fury or in tears. When will anything last more than a few years? I am not talking about romantic relationships, to hell with that, I have never gotten the chance for that. Every friend I have grown close to goes away, why cannot I keep anyone around? Because I fucking push them away myself bc I am too scared to form a bond bc of how many have failed. What good is this life without anyone there for you? What good is this life when there is no one to live for? They say you do not need people to be happy, but what if I alone cannot keep myself alive? Feels like I am the last person left sometimes",Suicidal +26677,"I used to say this because I felt that way personally. That Id be better off dead because it would stop the pain. But now, I realize the statement is true. It would benefit everyone. I know, people would be sad - its a natural reaction when somebody dies. But in the end, it would be a good thing.I am not wanted by my family. I live with my dad, (unfortunately) his girlfriend, and my brother. His girlfriend is very narcissistic, emotionally abusive, and overall toxic. My dad and brother are so manipulated by her that the only time they can see the real her is when they fight. Otherwise, I am the monster for calling her out on her abusive behaviours. I am only 18, so I cannot really move out yet. Today, I heard my dad apologizing for me living here. I do not know what I did - it was right after we had dinner and there was no conflict. Maybe its just my existence that is the problem. I am only a problem to these people. I cannot take it anymore. Id say I have my boyfriend to live for but Id only be convincing myself of a sad lie. We see each other maybe once a month now. He has no interest in spending time with me unless it involves sex. he would be sad, but I am probably just holding him back. Hes better off without me. I have no friends. At all. I am unemployed due to covid, so I sit in my bedroom 24/7 trying not to relapse with self harm. I wrap my belt around my neck just to feel like I am going through with it. Its the only time I get where I feel at peace. Does that count as self harm? Maybe I am not clean. Idk.I am tired. I am tired of being a problem. Tired of being unwanted. Tired of being a burden. Beyond tired of living. I am truly better off dead",Suicidal +26678,goodbye. i do not wish to hurt people anymore literally fuck this fuck it I am going,Suicidal +26679,I was doing ok for a while even without my meds. I do not think they helped anyway. But I kind of want to die again. I feel so alone and disgusted by myself. Nothing is right with the world. I want to delete all social media and stop talking to people but I want nothing more in this world than the opposite. I have been deprived of social interaction so long. I am pathetic and deserve to fall off a building. I wish I was not me. I wish I was not black. I kind of hate being a girl. I wish I had a gun so fucking bad. I wish I was skinny. My face literally hurts from acne. Everything is wrong because I am still alive I was doing ok,Suicidal +26680,"I had a small group of fiends for years. Then it shrunk due to moving away and growing up and stuff. Finally my last remaining friend stole from me so I cut ties with him. I now have literally zero friends and its getting sad and lonely. I am a guy that needs guy friends. Women are always jerks to me. I can make good conversation with everyone at work and even have a few work friends, but they never seem to indicate that they would want to hang out anywhere but occasional conversations at work. Where do I go for friends? And how do I make work friends into real friends? Any tips on making new friends?",Suicidal +26681,"I had all these ambitions when I was younger. I was going to be somebody. Now I just wake up in the morning, 32 years old, and I think about how I am going to die and no one will know who I was. No one will care. Nothing I did will matter. It feels too late. It does not feel like I have a purpose in life anymore I am a nobody",Depression +26682,"I am being so dramatic right now but honestly I wake up and feel like this every day like life is some how so boring and exhausting at the same time. My future will be fine, I am fine, but damn I am sick of this shit. Maybe I should make a gratitude list. But fuck I do not even want to be gracious about anything I do not even want to be a person. I hope I die soon",Depression +26683,"Why the fuck do I exist. I used to want to do things with my life. I wanted to (still kind of do?) be an author and write novels that people would like and that would make them happy. I wanted people to see me, and acknowledge all of my creations. I wanted to be a great artist that made people feel how other artists made me feel. Obviously I have gotten over that. It *was* a fucking lie. I cannot do it. I am not talented enough. Even if I was there are so many talented authors but there is only 1 Tolkien, so to speak. I could never make it. Never. I will die, some people will be sad, I will have left hardly any mark on the world, and then I will be forgotten. As if I was never even there. Why.I want to die so bad but I am too scared to. Why do I exist. Why could not I have just never existed and be nothing. Help? it is genuinely cruel that I even exist.",Depression +26684,"I hate how when I am feeling really low, I start daydreaming about me being in a better place. I look better, I am more social, nearly all aspects of my are better. And when I start imagining how good it would feel to be like that, I actually start getting a bit of motivation because I think you know what, it cannot be that hard right? But then I get my head out the clouds and come back to reality. I realize how far deep I am into my depression and how pointless it would be for me to try because its all too much considering how I am feeling. I mean I can barely brush my teeth how the hell would I change my life around? Its like the deeper I sink into the pit of depression the dimmer the light at the end of the tunnel is. Before I know it Ill just be consumed by darkness. The cycle",Depression +26685,"When I cross the street, I hope that Ill randomly get run over. Or that maybe Ill randomly suffer a heart attack or if I am up somewhere high, I might think Ill jump over the ledge. I do not know who to talk to about this. Its a fleeting, somewhat cathartic feeling that I get sometimes even if I am not feeling particularly suicidal. Does anyone else have these intrusive thoughts and how do you deal with them? Sometimes I hope Ill randomly die",Depression +26686,"i hate myself and want to die.&#x200B;a few days ago only, i would have hung myself. i have written my suicide note, and given away things that once i used to treasure. all of this is so pointless...but, i cannot go away. bec i have someone really close, who is solely dependent on me. i cannot leave him here and go away to a better place. i have had ideas of strangling him to death and poisoning him, but it just seems impossible to do that. to kill the person i love so much, that i would kill them. and, there is my family too. i have no idea why they love me. perhaps my death would perturb them. &#x200B;this fuckin sucks, but maybe i deserve it bec i am so pathetic. i have to go away, but how can i?",Suicidal +26687,"I need advice on How To Do it I meanI've bought rope, I have found a tree, I am going to get absolutely fuckedIs there anything that will make this process easier on me like? Physically?Obviously I am expecting pain and discomfort but it is not like I want to me tortured, like I want to be here, and then be gone in a short amount of timeIs there any better way to do this?I do not want something gruesome that would like, properly fuck up the person who found me tho Life sucks lmao",Suicidal +26688,"i know its 32 minutes past my original time span, but i think I am going to *attempt* to commit. i hope something good comes out of this, I am sorry if i do not make it. i just cannot bear it anymore. I am going to try.",Suicidal +26689,"Alot of my comedy, worldview, and opinions all come from how shitty things are and how shitty being alive is. When people think things are not so bad or just overall positive people I have no idea how to relate to them. Does this happen to anyone else? It almost feels like positivity is toxic for me to be around. Is it difficult for others to hang out with positive people",Depression +26690,"I have one or two people I can talk to and rely on and neither live close by, and one is probably going to reach their limit of dealing w/me soon after months of near constant contact. My family and I are on good terms but they are toxic and borderline abusive at times. My husband and I are separated and probably divorcing after he exhibited some abusive behavior that reenacted a previous trauma of mine and sent me into a ptsd hellscape. I cannot function anymore. I do not want to be here. No one really wants me here and those that do only want me at a distance or if I allow them to mistreat me. Truly, the more I think about it the more I realize I have very little holding me back. it is about time to go, I just have to figure out how. Also, question: How much detail should I include in my note? Do I detail the exact reasons why I am doing this or keep it simple? I want people to understand that no one is to blame and I know they tried to help me. I do not want to because secondary trauma by detailing the assaults and depressive episodes leading up to my suicide but I also do not want anyone to blame themselves. I cannot survive on my own [and a q about leaving a note]",Suicidal +26691,I just want to be happy. I feel like its so little to ask for but I can never reach that goal. I do not fit in with anybody and people just treat me like shit wherever I go or whoever I am with. Why do I have to exist in never-ending pain. I want to go to sleep one last time and never wake up. Endless Sadness,Depression +26692,"I have a void in my life and no matter how hard I have tried to fill it, I constantly hit a wall. I am just so tired. So, so tired. I have tried hard to be positive and go by the mantra that it gets better. If I could see into a crystal ball and see for a fact Id have a great future, Id be fine. I cannot though and it makes me feel terrible. Life is just not enjoyable when I face the fact I do not have the things I truly want. I just do not see the point of life if I cannot be truly fulfilled. I just wish I could simply say Beam me up and that is it. Just send me back to where I came from. There is a constant void",Suicidal +26693,I have been trying to better myself by being more social. I am 21 and choose not to go out drinking because I know I have problems with addictive substances. I have been making friends or trying to in a small community that lives up by Lake Erie. Recently someone felt uncomfortable in my presence and their friends have been going around saying I tried to rape them or something to that effect. They constantly tell people who are by me that I tried to rape their friend. They are mostly underage kids spreading these rumors but now they are enlisting the help of an adult brother and their friends who have now started to verbally assault me at night saying I should be dead and that I should be in jail. People tell me to ignore them but why do people get to be that awful? I already suffer greatly from depression and I amnot sure why I should even go on anymore. Why try,Depression +26694,"good lord what the fuck has my life come to. it keeps getting worse if i do not stop myself I am going to fucking kill myself. I am a horrible, HORRIBLE person. i deserve to be dead. it is all my fucking fault. I am doing it before i hurt anyone innocent I am disgusting and filthy i deserve to fucking die",Suicidal +26695,I am not sure what to do. ending the pain via suicide seems like the most logical answer. another night of pain,Depression +26696,i hate myself really want to kill myself,Suicidal +26697,"A couple weeks ago I tried to kill myself and after I was not able to follow through with it I went back to living my normal life as if that traumatic night did not happen. I have only told two people about it who have not really checked up on me btw but what is new, people only seem really to care when they feel like they have to. Anyways, whenever I hear stories about people attempting suicide who have gotten really close to dying they always talk about how they are so glad they did not follow through with it and how that was the moment that changed their life for the better. they are so much happier now and they encourage anyone who is thinking about suicide to keep going because it gets better. I have been waiting and waiting for my moment to realize that I do want to be here but I am just full of so much regret right now knowing I was so close to something I wanted for so long but did not follow through with it.I cannot help but think sticking around because people care about me and will miss me was a mistake and I so badly wish I could go back to that night to finish what I started. When will it be my turn?",Suicidal +26698,I am sorry this post suck but I am so awful right now and my eyes are blurry from crying I am so sorry Spiraling please I need someone please,Depression +26699,"My brother(27) has recently become suicidal and tried to drive off a cliff. My family and i called 911 and he was luckly found not hurt and he spun out his car on a road on the edge of a canyon. I love this guy more then i can explain, i mean he is my twin so i feel his pain.(maybe not the way you think but if anybody could understand his pain it would be me.) We are both male twins and he has been with me through the bad times as a child and somehow the even worst times as an adult. He is a fucking musical genius, awards in college for trombone and guitar and he knows how to play almost any instrument. I was more of a sports athlete and fanatic. We are different but so similar that it hurts when he tells me he does not belong here anymore. because he is the most good damn unique person i have ever met. He became sad because his band broke up and then lost a girlfriend of 5-7 years. (On and off dating for last 2 years) he has always been a heavy drinker but he always snapped back to his positive self when he had troubles before. He is on suicide watch until tomorrow morning where they will evaluate him to see if he needs to be admitted for 72 hours. This is the first time this has happened. And i do not know what to do next. I want to support him no matter what. I guess i want to know how do i support him with out making him more overwhelmed or make him feel like he has done something wrong? it is not his fault life hit him so hard. He does not want to hurt others, he just wants to not feel his pain. I need help. My twin brother tried to drive off a cliff.",Suicidal +26700,"I see al these kids my age on social media and whenever I go out hanging out with their friends and it always makes me sad. I wish I had friends to hang out with. I am getting a 2nd job just so I do not have these thoughts that would make me depressed. I thought getting a job would make me less depressed but I realized the reason why I am depressed is because I have no social life with other people. Only people I socialize with is my family,co workers and customers. All those people obviously you have to communicate with. Friends are people that actually like you for who you are. I definitely would rather have friends and be broke than be what I am now. I am only making minimum wage at a dead end job. I just hope one day I will have friends so I can feel myself again and be happy. It always frustrates me that I feel happy until I get home and have nothing to do. Whenever I am at work I am pretty social but when I get home I do not want to talk or do anything. I just want to cry but I have thought of these things sm and have cried about sm that I cannot even cry. I just want to let it all out so I can mentally and physically feel satisfied. Sigh, I wish I had friends, I wish I could redo my mistakes and just start my life all over with the knowledge that I have now. Sigh",Depression +26701,"back on reddit because i cannot talk to anyone in my real life. just feel like everyone hates me, no joke. i know i have people that would be sad if i died, but i do not feel like they care that much for me while I am here (except for my mom). the person i confided in for everything is dead and has been for a year and it just gets so much harder. i feel so so alone. i cannot die because i could never do that to my mom after losing my sister, but i honestly cannot do this anymore. i feel like such an annoying piece of shit. i do not enjoy any of the things i used to. i just hate myself so much, i wish i could be anyone else. i have no one, i do not want to do this anymore",Depression +26702,"I feel like I have made a similar post like thisprobably titled the same thing too. But I just wanted to say that I am tired. It seems like such a simple thing and I am not one to be cheesy about my sadness so I am not going to do one of those soliloquy type things. But I am tired. Lately I have been sleep a lot, I have got my period today, and I am just not interested in much. I blocked my friends one day and i did not even have the energy to add them back. Even worse, I did not miss them I have been reflecting on myself and why I am the way I am and why people (in my personal life) dislike like me or are deterred by me and I think its because my own behaviour. Perhaps I am disgusting. Maybe I am weird. To go off topic here, I think I am a pathological liar and I need to get help. Again this is completely unrelated but its just the fact that I know there is something wrong with me I just do not know for sure what it is. Even seeking help from a professional puts me nowhere because ultimately its just an inference. Psychology is nothing like being a doctor and performing surgery. Yes, being a doctor is based around making an educated guesses, but in the end there is always a right answer. One that is more commonly or usually found out as opposed to cases where they are not. Reflection.",Depression +26703,"So i first posted here back when i was 19, and a few years and a pandemic later here I am, 22 years old and tbh still struggling with a lot. I do not lash out anymore or self harm or really abuse alcohol or drugs or various other things to feel something like I used to, but if i was an emotional wreck back then I am now an emotionless one. The sometimes overwhelming and always constant feelings of loneliness never left me but that is about all I feel nowadays, and even though I used to do some fucked up shit I still felt something, whether it be pain or sadness or a whole range of emotions. Now i just feel empty, and when I decided to change my life and take me off a path which was inevitably leading to suicide, I sure did not think this is where Id be today. My insecurities about being alone and having no one who cares whether it be family or friends have grown massively to the point where I have sorta just accepted that this is how its going to be. In a post I wrote back then I said i was afraid of eventually pushing everyone away, now I am afraid they are just gunna leave. People who know me see me as being better because I am no longer the guy who would get black out drunk and end up hurting himself or the ones around him, but tbh I have not sorted my issues out at all, I am just better at hiding them even better than before. Its not that I want to die, trust me I have been there and I know i never want to go back to that, but I do not want to feel like this but the thing I have no idea what to do. Back at the start I had clear issues which I could deal with better (e.g do not abuse alcohol at every opportunity), but now I have more different issues which are just as painful and make me just as sad. I know I am just in my own head and its not real but honestly I do not even know anymore. I think I am pretty good at picking up on things and that coupled with my fucked up thoughts all in my head create scenarios and illusions, but it gets harder and harder to tell what is real and what is not, and so ultimately I guess I have been through so much pain and hurt that i just automatically have accepted I am alone and no one truly cares about me just to end that suffering, and it just sucks a lot. Sometimes i wonder if life was better back when i was too fucked up and unstable to care about who loves me or whatever, because I did not plan on living much longer, or if I actually successfully killed myself, then none of this would matter. But suicide is not an option and its not like i do not want to feel better and feel loved but i do not see any light at the end of this tunnel just empty, lonely darkness. Lost Soul",Suicidal +26704,"hey guys, is anyone here from the LA or OC area? I have been suffering a lot recently and might have a potential idea / plan in mind. I cannot do this anymore and want to find someone",Suicidal +26705,"I have finally made up my mind. what is the point in living when you are unlovable? I just had my birthday and was completely alone, just like every other holiday. I just cannot anymore. it is not that I blame others. At this point I am obviously the problem and no one wants to be around me. This is never going to get better. I am tired of being lonely. I am in my late 30s and still have no one to enjoy holidays with. Obviously there is something wrong with me and I am over it.",Suicidal +26706,"My dating life is very high on the list of reasons why I want to commit suicide. No guy ever wants to do anything romantic with me, guys just want me sexually. I constantly get ghosted whenever a guy finds out I am not going to have sex with him. I do not think Ill ever find love, and I feel my purpose in life is to get married & experience love. Ill always be seen as a sexual object to men. I have never been on a date before, & it tears me up inside. I literally want to die. Love life",Suicidal +26707,"watching the fireworks tonight made me feel relaxed and warm, and I realized that I will not be here for much longer, but that is okay. something about the explosions and bright sky just made me realize everything will be okay in the future. I do not think that anybody depends on me anymore, and I have failed my closest friend. I think that it is time for me to start wrapping things up. but maybe not for another month, so I can at least finish some unfinished things, but my time is soon. this sounds totally cringe so sorry, but I am putting it out here for when I eventually do pass just as a little letter to whoever it may concern. it is not your fault. you did nothing wrong. thank you for existing, and even if I am gone, I think you should stay. thank you, and sorry. you do not have to put up with me anymore, it is time to be free.&#x200B;you were always, and will always, be greater than me.&#x200B;see you again, but not soon. goodnight, I hope the dreams are good. <3 the fireworks made me truly content",Suicidal +26708,"since my last attempt. i did not try hard enough.i feel so alone and a bother to everyone. i do my best to not take up much space. not eat because i feel i do not deserve it. it would be so much easier, i think, if i was just...gone.I am scared to get close again. to people, online and off. but i want to. so badly.i did not think I would make it this far, and now i do not know what to do.it is so lonely. it is been a year.",Suicidal +26709,"I do not want to believe in Christianity, because they all tell me that if I kill myself I would go to hell.Therefore, I just follow the science.That means that there is nothing after death. We lose consciousness. We cease our existence.However, that is not what I am yearning for. I do not want to feel an eternal numbness or nothing at all.I want to go to sleep, never wake up, yet live a happy life in my dreams.My dreams are beautiful, almost as beautiful as everything I have imagined. I have my family back. They love me. they are alive. I have friends. I have beautiful skies in an eternal rose sunset. My crush loves me back.My brain fog is gone. I use my brain to its full potential.I enjoy reading again. I enjoy composing music again. I enjoy painting again.I look beautiful. I love myself. My dad no longer leaves me alone. We can spend Christmas together once more. Everyone cares about me. I do not have to be alone. I have a lot of people. I help a stranger. I have so much love to give. I help people find hapiness. I love my life.Then I wake up. Do you want to sleep forever?",Depression +26710,"For context, I am 16 year old and I know none of this is going to be believable or make any sense but I currently attend full time college and am finishing in December. I also work full time as a cyber sec professional. So from that obviously you may think ""damn I bet this kid is living a great life""... well the truth is I am dying inside. I have an amazing girlfriend but my upbringing was hell. Growing up I was starved, neglected, abused, emotionally left, lied to, and more because my parents were drug addicts and alcoholics, I never had anyone. My mom passed due to the abuse and I think that is why my mental illness is so bad. I appear to be living an amazing life but everyday my mood changes like crazy and I just want to leave everything. I hate waking up and I hate sleeping... I just hate everything. Everything tiks me off and I am just so overwhelmed with my own emotions. I am sad as fuck 24/7 for no reason I feel, I have extreme past thramu from my younger days and I just am done. I am still living at home and am going to move the day I turn 18, I already have $ for a place but in the meant time I have two more years of hell to go through. I have 0 friends anymore because I am very busy and do not have time to do what I used to, which is not that bad but I just am alone. All my friends are above 20 so its hard to relate. I cannot go ""hang"" with them because its just feels weird because I am at such a different stage of life than they are but at the same time I am not.... Idek if this makes any sense its just a massive brain dump but take what you wish and any advice i would love. I am 16 and am on top of the world, little does everyone know I am dying inside.",Depression +26711,I have no one. All I do is burden everyone with my issues and just by existing. I feel like I am a burden,Depression +26712,My dad does things to me most nights. When I reported it I went into foster care and it was so much worse. I was abused in multiple different homes and facilities. I am back with my dad and he is started doing things to me again. I cannot stand it any more. I cannot survive another 5 years like this. I cannot stand being sexually abused any more.,Suicidal +26713,"This hurts my soul because I just finished silently crying.. I have severe ptsd affiliated with cannabis ( using that term because any other will just mess me up again ) and since I have people that will wonder why, and why I have a hatred to it.. a couple years ago my sister had just started and was using a vape that had cbd or thc in it. Her and her bf were taking turns using it and me being stupid I asked to take a hit from it, the feeling it gave me was strange, i coughed a lot and made me woozy. I made the mistake of asking for another, I only got for like a second and I erupted into coughing my ass off, I coughed all the air in my lungs out multiple times, felt like I was going to die either to my lungs collapsing or suffocating, I managed to catch my breath after coughing it all out at least 3 times.. by then, I had already been traumatized from fighting for my life for a good 5 minutes.. I felt lightheaded, my heart was racing and I was breathing extremely fast. I do not remember the high at all because of what happened. Ever since that day I have gotten slightly better in, talking about it does not hurt anymore, but triggers include smell and watching as someone does it. I did not watch my sister do it today, but the smell, soon as it hit me I rushed outside, holding my breath until then. Went to my car and silently felt everything again, I just on a strong face for my sister when she asked me if I was okay. She went inside after a few minutes. And I just silently started crying because I remember everything about that day, fighting, fear, everything.. kept in mind I am really good at holding myself back, acting stronger than I actually am. Anyways, thanks for listening to me.. I cannot speak right now but I am better .. Ptsd and silent tears today..",Depression +26714,"I do not know when or where, but I just have this feeling that one day the pain will just be so much that I will end my life. it is really painful. Everything hurts. I will die by suicide",Depression +26715,"I am so depressed tonight. I am tired of crying all the time. I am tired of never feeling loved. I am tired. I have been in therapy since November, on lexapro since February. I am really starting to think that things will never get better. I really just wanted to be loved and be happy again. I need a hug. I need love. I am just so tired. It will not ever get better.",Depression +26716,I am tired of sleeping at 4 am and waking up at 5 pm and just stare at my phone all day until i feel sleepy again... I want to feel something again,Depression +26717,"Every single social setting, friend group, relationship, anything, it always fails. I always break off and isolate at some point or everything naturally falls apart from both sides. Its like I am just not meant to have bonds like that. Even I am its rlly intimate and i think it will never end it always does. Just another failed social attempt. I do not understand what is wrong with me",Suicidal +26718,Plz I need. Someone I really want to die,Suicidal +26719,"i do not even know why i spoke like that, i was not angry, it just came out like that, but of course they do not understand thatthey think i do not care, that i do not try, they do not get that i fucking cannot anymorei just want to fucking die, and they do not get that, I am so tired of everything, I am tired of problems, I am tired of listening to everyone, I am tired of being the problems, i cannot even be in my room so no one's bothered by me, they just find a way, I am tiredi just want someone that understands already...I am tired of feeling horrible every night and wanting to run away every fucking dayby now...i thought i was not going to be alonei thought I would have someone that understood me and loved me for who i ami do not want to be alone anymore...I am tired of problems, I am tired of being the problem, i just want to get away alreadyim tired of complaints and people feeling horrible...i just want someone that loves me...I would love to wake up to someone saying ""good morning, love"" and a kiss, and just knowing that it will be an amazing dayeveryone else have someone...and I am the only dumbass that doesnti just want to be enough already... they think i do not care",Depression +26720,"I'veJust been kicked out on the street due to a family argument over a small relapse on my benzo medication, pathetic right? I do not have a problem but I have lost everyone and everything due to there insensitivity and uneducated assumptions. I have no one anymore, lost all my loved. Ones and I cannot life with it anymore. and now I am on the streets I cannot imagine living like this, I am ready to leave indedinitely Now I have had enough. I would do anything to move on but without all the backstory it is been a miserable descent for that past 5 years that is led to this. No one to call, nowhere to stay and nothing to eat I am absolutely fucked. I do not do smack but I hear that is a painless way to go so that is my intention from here on out, get some junky to help me on my way. Peace and love everyone ciao x This is finally it",Suicidal +26721,I am the worst person in the world. I cannot stop crying and I just feel that I need to kill myself. I am ruining everyone is night. we are going to a place with even more people and I am going to ruin everyone is night there too. I should not exist. I should not be here. I am awful. All my symptoms burden EVERYONE. I hate myself for it so much. I should just kill myself.I just want to die. I am around my family and the tears will not stop. I am the bad guy.,Depression +26722,"I feel like a waste of space since I have no family or friends anymore after leaving the military awhile ago.Almost 29 and I feel like there is not a need to keep moving on, after I lost everything from my house/pets and friends. Feel alone with no friend or family",Suicidal +26723,"It really goes to show that we need to be heard more and society is not doing enough to help us. I hope you guys all feel better. As of the time of this post, there have been 358 posts in just the last 24 hours.",Suicidal +26724,"I am thinking I might add more. I have cut out personal names==================Unfriend me now to make this easier on yourself. I am going to kill myself now or kill myself later. Call the cops to ease your mind, no ones going to find me. Waste your time by telling you care when you do not, because I know when all seems good people do not care. Give me your reason that I am wrong to say such things. Say to me that you have been going through what I have been going through. People with double standards against me, that judge me ignorantly, deny it please, so you can feel better about yourself. I have had enough of every Christian with a double standard of love; you rather judge than get to know others. You do not know me, because you judge me. And I do not know you because I judge you. If you talk behind my back, you should grow up and talk face to face. But fuck that now, it is too late.So now, know me for the fucking piece of shit I am. I am a fool, I know nothing. But you are wise, discerned, you know many things. Tell me what ought to do. I am weak and broken. Yet you are strong.No more condescension. No more bullying. No more emotional abuse. For those who are wondering about Christianity, a lot of them are just broken imperfect people acting like they are perfect.They ignore fellow believer that struggles with depression. Some of them forgive you and cut you off, for something they did that they cannot see. Some them lie straight to your face saying that they care for you, and then go ignoring you. Some of them are your best friends, that say they are there for you; but then drop you like a stone when it gets too heavy. Some of them use you, and again for sake of their image, get rid of you, because you are brokenness is too much of a mess. Some of make falsehoods about you to justify what they say, when you really just need someone to talk to. Also I find it hard to believe that Christians would rather isolate you than love you.More than 5 years of wanting to kill myself. I cannot talk about it. People say I talk to much about it, shut me down. People say I should be happy, shut me down. People say I am not the only one, shut me down. Now I will not talk about it. Now, I will try to be happy. Oh now, I know I am not the only one. Tell me with your learned words, I am being unfair in my statements. Call me arrogant for saying these things for feeling this way. My heart has been filling up because I have been silenced by a hardened heart of people, and now it is spilling over. All I see is evil. Christians should not ignore someone who is struggling, we are supposed to represent Christ's love, but it seems these people get caught up in themselfs rather then share love. I am joining them, I am going to think about myself as I kill myself. No more Christains with double standards of love. People who are so focused on their image ethier online or in person; no more. Is too hard encourage others? Or is it just encouraging specific people you do not like? And again, for those who think I am always negative. You paint pictures that you want to see. Never hearing the broken. No more prejudice.Out of everything I cannot stand, the most is myself, so I am ending it. I am finding somewhere secluded. And it would be a shame to hear from me again after saying all this crap. I am making sure it is done. Also I do not want to be locked up, and go through the same thing that is making me type this.And for those thinking I am seeking attention, use your brain. Even if it is that, does not mean it is not a cry for help? But I have to prove to those who think like that. I am going to kill myself, do not worry. I could write book from this heart of pain and thought, so give me your wise words. Look at your heart and learn from yourself. This does not apply to everyone, but that does not mean by saying that, you are one the ones this does not apply too; judge for yourself; fucking look in the mirror and actually look. are not you wise? Or do you know that you know nothing? Both trains of thought gives you all the more reason to look at yourself.This is the only stage I am getting, my death. Let me make a splash, so you can forget about me. I am sorry I am unbearable, it is my fault that I am too much to bear. I am sorry I am annoying, it is my fault. Now with your knowledge, hear what I am actually saying. Fuck this rant for being stupid. I fucking do not deserve anything. Rape me with your words, and tell me how stupid I am between the lines, or something like that. This is sad. No one wants to truly die. However, if you force feed your own words into someone is mouth; not giving a someone a chance to speak, they will be voiceless. And voicelessness is what kills. My suicide note (tell me what you think)",Suicidal +26725,"When the rose colored glasses come off and you realize those you thought were your closest, most important parts of your social life do not actually care much about you at all. How am I supposed to trust someone is actions as pure and honest when their words are so demeaning and vindictive. I grew up with the mindset that a drunk mans thoughts is a sober ones words, is this applicable to when we are angry? Sure, we all say things we regret after the fact, that are said in the moment but what happens when it is not a one time mistake but a habitual routine? How do you force yourself to move on from these moments and not let your brain play them on repeat. I am still young but still somehow feel so fucking bitter to the point where I daydream about cutting everyone out of my life again and moving somewhere new. I am tired of feeling like I am just constantly looking for things to bother me or feeling degraded by being upset by things I am told are my own fault. ""If you did not say such dumb things, I would not have to treat you like a dumb person.""",Depression +26726,"I have had enough, people lying, losing friends, I am having a fucking panic attack I am FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT",Suicidal +26727,"I am just done. Years thinking I was in the wrong. I am tired of being the scapegoat for people.I am too tired to enjoy life. Or care.A bullet to the brain is my plan. I am good, I am exhausted",Suicidal +26728,"Welp I am back & dk that ill ever truly leave as depression is never a battle you really just win for good its just managing it better but i digress.So i came home for the 4th July wknd to visit fam from my new FT warehouse job. Well this has turned out to be lamest most boring 4ths that i can ever remember. We litrally did nothing & my fam treated it like just another day on calender. Normally the subdivision my fam lives in in country has a bbq/burgers and/or fireworks get together/social. Well I have noticed over the last few years as the neighborhood has grown it has pulled back more and more from neighborhood events. I guess more and more people are having their own fam & friends over rather than inviting a select group from neighborhood. But whatever it is its really sapped fun out of holidays. This has been worst its been bc lately at least there is been an impromptu gathering rather than something planned. But this holiday, absolutely nothing. I have never been more bored in my life (well i have but) & now i have another 40 hours in warehouse to look forward to. And not to sound like spoiled brat but there was not even any pie for my visit (there was but read on). I am living on budget at my new job & really cannot so much as splurge on pie, i try to stick to protein & health bc of physical nature & long hrs of job & as such was looking forward to pie at home. There actually was a full chocolate pie but upon going for it was told its over a month old & needs to be tossed. Epic salt in wound right there. So needless to say I am a but salty & depressed after waisting a weekend & not getting the necessary mental health serotonin recharge. Family",Depression +26729,"one of them is that I, eventually, will attempt to end my life. I do not know why, how or when. I just have this sensation.and the most curious (yet disturbing dependending on the POV) is that this does not bothers me at all. during my hole life I had some specific thoughts about myself and my life",Depression +26730,I made the mistake of telling people online I was planning on killing myself. The truth is no one truly cares. I will not leave a note. I will not even reveal how I am feeling to anyone. I will just end it. Everyone says the same thing when you reveal to them how you feel. I understand they do not want me to die but it is not because they like me. it is because they do not want to feel like they have killed someone. They will do all they can to help because they want to feel good about themselves. If they truly cared about me they would ask me questions about my life. They would ask me my opinion on things. Nothing I think matters to anyone and I am just there to comfort others apparently. I feel ignored half of the time I speak to people. I cannot keep doing this. I think if I go through with it I will not tell anyone,Suicidal +26731,"4 th of July. I am sitting here by myself thinking why tf am I even alive. This is fucking miserable. Go to work, get money, pay your shit to survive, back to work. what is the fucking point ? Hoping something is going to change? It will not. Happiness is an illusion. The only time I have ever felt happy was when I was 6 and my parents got me a sega and when I took molly for the first time. Other than that its just the same fucking shit everyday. Met the love of your life? Guess what, she is/hes either going to either cheat or get tired of you one day. Rare cases when people stay together till they die, but that is because they had no other options. Wait you just won a lottery and hit that 1 mil$? Now everybody wants you for your money and even your family members will try to play you. Life is terrible and we all know that, but we keep pretending its not just because we are too scared to die. The only reason I am not blowing my brains out right now is because I do not want to hurt other people. And I know many of you can relate. Life is pointless",Suicidal +26732,My mental health has declined drastically in the past 3 months and I do not understand why.i just feel like killing myself everday.I am tired of being miserable.I drink everyday to cope but it just makes it worseI've been battling with alcohol addiction for the past 10 years. When I try to quit I just end up getting life threatening withdrawals. I have no friends no family no one. So I have no one to turn to for helpI live out of motels and I am afraid to check myself into a hospital because I know they will keep me in the psych unit for a couple of weeks and I do not know where I am going to put my stuff because I do not have a home I live out of my motel. Just needs some advice right nowI really want to get help before I end up dead:'( Thinking of checking myself in in the morning,Suicidal +26733,"I never thought I would be this weak. I knew I was weak, even when people would still acknowledge that, I know how I could have been strong by keeping up, but I am having a hard time lately. I am sure this place has a lot going through so much.. I think sometimes someone making the time feels better. I waited all day, for someone I like and she disregarded me.. For 12 hours I waited. I was disregarded and canceled on last minute, and it hurts to realize I am so alone and the people who care probably feel pity. I do not want to burden you all anymore. If I were to go to another place would anyone pray for me..? I wish I was not so sad.. Why does this all hurt so bad. I want it to go away. Please go away. This pains too much. I need a sign God. I need faith. I am losing it all and I feel so weak. I am fine. I just had to vent. Bai",Suicidal +26734,"This is not some reddit post, I have decided that I will not be writing a suicide note, so here is this: ""I. Am. Real. My emotions are real, and no one understands the preservation of the martry in me, I will not be slamming my head against the same brick wall, I will go past that. I am going to kill myself tonight, I am serious.",Suicidal +26735,"it is pointless. Why I still try to find ways to live? My body is destroyed. My health too. I do not gave a job, I do not have friends I do not have a boyfriend. People think that I am privileged because my parents give me money. I just feel useless.Maybe my problems are not big enough fo others but for me they are. I am a difficult person. Sometimes I think I am better than everyone else, I am getting paranoid that I am special. Other times I just believe that I am a big failure. For sure I am a wasted potential. I do not think it is my fault. I do not care about therapy and yet I am desperate for someone to understand me.I have made my decision. it is does not matter if everyday I try to break my compulsions and find new ways to improve my life and take care of me. Today I permitted to myself to wore a new hair ribbon and I bought a book. But there is no point. Sooner or later I will do what I have to. Finally I will find piece I hope. I know I will always be misunderstood that is ok. At least I know that I fought a lot. Why I still try?",Suicidal +26736,"Hearing and seeing all these people with their friends and I am here: feeling like such an outcast because I have none. Nobody to talk to, nobody to love. I have not been with a woman in 4+ years and I do not want to carry on any longer. It makes me cry, I am sorry if I sound ungrateful, I just feel so alone in this world. there is no one I have. Being lonely on holidays sucks the most",Depression +26737,"Literally only downloaded Reddit so I could get this of my chest. there is nothing specifically wrong with me, I have a supportive family, amazing SO, a job, and almost two degrees. Yet, every day, all I can think about is ending it all. I feel like I am drowning and no one can hear me. I cannot talk to my gf about it because I do not want to worry her or put a burden on her, and I will not tell my parents for the same reason. I try to talk to my best friend about it and he turns the shit around on me like its my fucking fault I have depression. I cannot help it. I try to talk to my big brother about it and he just finds a way to make the situation about himself. Idk. I am just confused and going through the motions rn. Fake it till you make it, right? I am not going to do it, but I want to.",Depression +26738,"I have been so hurt by those I love, I just wish the hurting would stop. I drove to my beach house to kill myself, I wish I could die in my sleep because I do not want them to feel guilt over my death. I just wish I was enough for the people I love and that I was enough for me. I do not see a future, I just feel immense pain and hurt. I feel so numb to the world yet I feel its pain so much. I just want it to stop. I wish I could die in my sleep. I wish people would not hurt me",Suicidal +26739,"My doc prescribed a med to supplement the snri that I am on. The first prescription was free....how nice of them... When I picked it up, I see that the pill is 0.25mg and a 30 day supply has a list price of almost $1500.00. that is $200,000 per gram. I know that is not what I will ever pay, but I am just not going to be part of this insanity. I will find another way. I am finally pushing back on my prescription...",Depression +26740,"Mentally I am a wreck. I have lost myself in a wayward spiral of depression because I have always felt abnormal. I am a pathetic mess. i have people tell me all these great positive things about me, whether I am good vibes, a good friend, and so forth, but despite any earnestness in their voice i second doubt myself and fight the tears. It never helped that throughout the years I have been bullied and isolated amongst peers. Its ruined my ability to speak verbally, opposed text and my brain feels flat. As a writer I feel like there is something greener out there, but it feels off when I cannot make connections or become an after thought in the grand schemes of things. i feel like I am destined to be alone and at this point Id rather just be alone forever in a white hollow space by myself and have continuous torture be instilled upon me by my own thoughts. I keep telling myself everything will be fine, despite how much it hurts",Suicidal +26741,"I do not want to keep living in this reality where she is dead and I am not. The only thing keeping me going is knowing I cannot do that to my sister. I try to be okay, but I am really not. I think a lot of people think of me as pretty easy going and I try to be jovial, but inside I am just so fucking torn up and empty. The PTSD from finding her just tortures me from the moment I wake up. I want to die and I wish I could tell somebody in my life but I cannot. I just keep living. Passively, I wish something would just kill me so this would stop. I imagine scenarios where my life is in danger and maybe I would just not try very hard to step out of the way. I think my mom would want me to live, but she is dead for no good reason at all, and I cannot escape this feeling that everything from here on out is only going to get worse. I wish she was here. I hate this. I wish I could just be honest about how I am feeling. I think in this world there are probably only a few people in a lifetime that every get to know the closest version to the real you, and my mom was one of them. I did not know it was possible to be so lonely and to hurt so much. I miss her hugs. I miss her voice. I do not know how much longer I can live without my mom and I wish I could tell somebody.",Suicidal +26742,"And it will never be the same again.I am tired of pretending that I look forward to shit. Masking and pretending for interviews and shit just so I can be allowed to live. I really just do not care anymore about stupid interviews, etiquette, references, people pleasing, corporate blowjobs, useless courses, etc. Fuck all of it. Every year all I feel is dread because I just know that it is going to get worse. Jobs becoming scarce, people going insane, shit becoming more expensive, climate going wack, etc. The fuck can I do about it now? I barely buy shit or go out. The recent heatwave has actually left me feeling suicidal. I am tired of stupid fucking doomers and preppers bragging about their fancy bunkers and their shitty stale canned food that they will be forced to subsist on for the rest of their lives. I am tired of billionaire fuckers denying that anything bad is happening because they have not experienced it themselves. I am tired of being reminded that I WILL FUCKING DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY just for being alive at the wrong period of time. Just fucking kill me with one of your fancy guns!I cannot be honest with anyone about how I really feel because it is a one way ticket to homelessness or worse. The feeling that I do not belong here is only getting more pervasive every day. If God exists he must really love his billionaire pedophiles because those are the only people I see getting forward on this bitch of an earth. This is the best time in history...",Depression +26743,"And that person is me, I am destroyed inside because I cannot admit that I am doing things good, or that I may have talent. I focus more on my mistakes, every time I make a mistake I blame myself for it for days and I cannot handle it. The thought of me being worthless is in my head always. Been dealing with depression for 10 years, been doing ok these past years but now it feels really crippling. You may ignore this or not, I do not care. But I am depressed because I cannot prove the most important person that I matter.",Depression +26744,This past week my bike and drawing tablet broke which were the 2 most important things for me to use as escapism I feel like it is just god telling me to give up on everything and just die I have family and friends but I feel like none of them get me and my purpose in like is just non existent because it is not like they will remember me I just want to die,Suicidal +26745,there is nothing stopping me. Just the small but of hope that one day it will get better. I just want to feel better. I could literally do it right now.,Suicidal +26746,"I have been on suicide watch for the past 2 weeks and if my parents bitch at me ONE more time, I do not care it it is tiny. I WILL unalive myself. They bitched at me today for close to the last fucking time and the clip that was playing in my head was that one where it said ""What if I was suicidal? What if that was my last straw?"" And I am damn near my last straw. I am one more fight from ending it all",Suicidal +26747,"I posted here yesterday about having uncontrollable obsessions with certain aspects of life and nobody responded, guess it just proves my point. I take life too seriously, I rarely experience any pleasure or happiness, and I am lonely, and suicide seems more and more like a legitimate response to all of it. Endless struggle and no idea how to get better",Suicidal +26748,I spent the day alone locked in my room like all other holidays. It must be nice to have people that actually care about you and you can spend time with. Happy Fourth of July :),Depression +26749,"Hi folks. For about 7 years now, I have felt general depression like symptoms that may or may not be associated with depression: 1) low self esteem, 2) general FOMO and always feeling like I am receiving the short end of experiences or no experiences at all 3) resentment without because towards successful people or for acquaintances that I interact with (attractive people in particular) 4) getting upset and impatient when I am not where I want to be in life5) more introverted behaviour than I probably would be otherwise displaying. 6) General anxiety when engaging socially with others 7) resort to escapism when upset8) when at social events, get upset and think about the past about the lack of social experiences and how unfair life is There were times it was not always like this, that is what makes me skeptical about my own diagnoses. Some of the things I described above have been on and off. Although as of late, I have felt all of that. Your thoughts would be very much appreciated. Should I get a diagnoses? I suspect my own life circumstances contribute to these feelings, that is why I am unsure whether to get a diagnoses or just fix my own life. Not sure if I am depressed",Depression +26750,"I was feeling extremely, extremely ready to do it today. I was sitting on my floor sobbing because I had a ptsd flashback yesterday and all the friends I was with just left me. It was already terrifying and I have abandonment trauma on top of it, so them doing that made me spiral. Today I called my childhood best friend who I have been close to for over 20 years now, and he basically said I told you so and that its my fault because I do not want to move back to the city so I have access to better people and better friends.Then I reached out to my second best friend who I have known for around 6 years now and even lived with at one point, and asked him if he could come over because I was having a crisis and did not think I should be alone right now. His response was My girlfriend and I just went tubing and were tired I told my brother I was suicidal a few weeks ago and really needed his support and he told me hes too busy working and to give him 2-3 more years so he can buy a house. He does not even have any bills right now. He still lives in an apartment through foster care and could easily request less hours since he voluntarily picks them upEvery single friend I interacted with knows I have PTSD and am majorly depressed. Three of them know I am suicidal.Lmao everyone says if you are about to kill yourself to reach out and talk to someone but when you do, you get blown offLike I talk about how nobody actually cares about me and people scoff and act like there must be SOMEONE. No, there is literally nobody. I do not have parents, my brother is my only family and those few friends I have just do not give a shit. Literally my cats are the only thing keeping me here Everyone always tells you to reach out to someone if you are suicidal, but then when you reach out people do not want to deal with you.",Suicidal +26751,"I am feeling empty, lost, i went to the store today & bought enough sleeping pills to overdose- i might not do it but at the same time like jeez wow I am so sick & tired of never being wanted by anybody i just lost a best friend (19f)",Suicidal +26752,"My wife and I are disabled, but have yet to get approved for disability. For the past few months, my oldest son has been helping us pay bills to get by. Now he is talking about moving out, and my anxiety is now through the roof. My house has been in renovation limbo since last year when a friend was helping us, then had to stop due to family issues. So I have got a bathroom that is still bare drywall after a year. My son kept promising to help with it, but only chipped away at it a couple times. I am way behind on property taxes, so I fully expect the house to get seized sometime in the next year.I do not think my son comprehends how much we rely on him right now. But it is not fair to him to put all this shit on him, and I do not blame him for wanting to get out on his own. he is 18 and just bought his dream car - an '87 Corvette, and he is really getting a taste of freedom being gone more and more. So I will not tell him any of this.But if he moves out, I know for a fact that me, my wife and his three brothers will be homeless in a year, especially if I cannot get disability approved.Even work at home jobs have proven impossible for me to keep up with for long.I do not know what to do. I already hate myself for not providing for my family. Now, that is going to prove our downfall for good.I have a life insurance policy, but I have got two more years before it will pay out in case of a suicide. I was hoping he would stick around that long, as my family will be set after that. But I do not blame him. Feeling abandoned.",Depression +26753,"Returnal was the video game that kept me going for a bit. Now, I do not have any games to keep me going. Loki has 2 more episodes. Rick and Morty is back. So that keeps me a float.But it is still hard. It is not enough some days. I struggle to even find any interest in anything outside of media. And even that is waning.But I am still here. Still fighting. Still waiting for the next anime or video game or tv show to let me binge it and actually feel something again. I use media to keep pushing off the inevitable",Suicidal +26754,"I do not see what else I can look forward to and yet here I am drinking myself to death and I just want the brain to stop. Less than 24 hours after a good day and here I am. I have animals that need me and people that love me. I will not do it, but what the fuck man Everything is fine and I still want to die",Suicidal +26755,"Everything feels like a blur. it is all meaningless, life just flies by day after day and I just forget what happened in the past week. I do not even know what the emotions I feel are anymore. I have not gone outside in over 2 weeks and I cannot exactly do that because I am a minor. I do not want to keep living like this. Blurry",Depression +26756,"I tried posting this in r/advice but they blocked my post so it is here now. I quit my last couple of jobs because i wanted to die after sitting there in my own head doing a repetitive task for hours on end. I am even considering applying for disability to help counter the loss of pay, and am even considering going off-grid to reduce expenses. Work Makes Me Suicidal",Depression +26757,"I mean I am 18, and do not have a car, just a permit but I could. My mom is at work, and the rest of my family is still asleep. I have considered suicide for so long but right now it has never felt so present. I have some money, enough to certainly keep myself alive and run away and commit. I wish one of my partners could talk me down but they are both upset with me. This probably is the perfect opportunity I need to do my laundry and clean my room first though. I could run away right now",Suicidal +26758,"In the last 3 weeks, I was admitted to the hospital for a week, had surgery, found out my 39yr old sister was diagnosed with Stage 3c Colon Cancer, broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years all the while having to return to work just 4 days after surgery because it was a new position. I struggled to make it through the first week but last week I had a complete melt down in front of the doctor at my clinic. I was completely honest and let her know mentally I was not in a good place, aside from what happened to me, my kids were a few states away with their dad, whom they were spending the rest of the year with and all I wanted to do was be with them with all that was going on. She booked me a flight immediately to see my kids, but there went my job. She said I needed to be with my kids. Its been a lot to swallow that a position I worked so hard to get to slipped right through my hands in a matter of minutes. I question myself and letting myself get to the point of having a melt down in public. I struggle and question myself daily. These past 5 days I have spent every last second with my kids. I play with them all day and watch them sleep during the night as if I am losing time if I am sleeping with them. Its been surreal seeing my 13yr old interact with his 4 yr old sister and 3 yr old brother. I just struggle mentally and no one really understands. Trying to find my path to healing. Trying to find my way",Depression +26759,"Hi everyone - I am posting on here as kind of a cry for help. I do not really know what to do. For a bit of background, I am a 23 year old woman. I graduated from a very elite university, and work a job that is relevant to the field I originally wanted to go into (medicine), but I no longer feel any desire to be a doctor and so my job is kind of dead end, and my employer is assuming that I will be going to medical school. I graduated with a very high GPA, but toward the end of college I became incredibly reliant on substances to help get me through because I was starting to lose motivation. Doing drugs was one of the worst decisions of my life, and thankfully I do not do them anymore, but now I have no motivation to accomplish anything. I have tried going to therapy many times, but I never get the response that I want. In college, I had bad healthcare coverage, so it was difficult finding a therapist in the first place (outside of school), but when I did they recommended group therapy because I did not have a dire case in their opinion. My school therapists never took me seriously and told me I was normal / fine as well. I think this is just because I always had good grades, exercised and ate healthy, slept normally, and (not to tout my own horn, l am an attractive young woman, so I think my problems are never taken seriously. When I went to the therapist off campus, she also said I was fine / normal even though I told her things like my life does not feel real. During covid, my mental health just got way worse until I finally reached a breaking point a few weeks ago. Things are reopening and life is resuming, but it has just made me feel more anxious about my life and future, and I just feel numb to it all. My life feels so unreal. I feel like I live in a simulation and nothing matters. Nothing interests me anymore - I do not date, I have friends but nothing feels fun with them, no other career path excites me. I feel like a hollow she will of woman. I have always had what I thought were mental health problems, but at least I had the ability to feel some joy and happiness. That joy is no longer there. I feel there is absolutely nothing that can take me out of this state and I am afraid if I go back to a therapist (which I unsuccessfully tried after graduating as well), that they will just write me off because I can still function regularly and go on appearing to live a normal life, but how I feel is anything but normal. What should I do? 23f feeling depressed",Depression +26760,"I have a friend who attempted suicide. He is drinking every day and refuse to start treatment.What would be the right course of action in this case? Is involuntary treatment better in this case? friend suicide attempt, will not seek help",Depression +26761,"I just wrote this because nothing is helping. I have no one to call and no one cares either way, and it hurts my very soul. Thanks for all the love. I hate these thoughts . Any inspiration would be nice. Hurting",Suicidal +26762,"I am extremely stressed out and not doing well at all, the other night I gave into my pressure and cut for stress relief... I am scared to tell my therapist because I do not want to go to a psych ward I self harmed for the first time in years",Depression +26763,It really is not at all the world sucks and we have to love with it. Or die I wish life was worth living,Depression +26764,"so I am struggling with depression and anxiety and I use self harm as a coping mechanism, now I have not harmed in 8 days but I just cannot stop thinking about it like I just want to know, does anyone have good ways to like fill up that space like right now I am so tempted and resisting urges is so hard I just need to know how do you just not do it?For some backstory, I got caught with a lot of drugs and awaiting a court date, went to addiction therapy and got sent to my doctor to be put on anti-depressants and for a while I felt great, now I just hate being alive. I lost all my friends and I just have no one to turn to so I went here, I know everything is my fault, from losing all my friends to my depression I know I am the reason for how I am today and I am the one to blame but I just want to know is there any hope for me feel like this needs a TW",Depression +26765,"The past week has been fucking awful, been able to resist knives for about a week now but the extreme want has not gone away and resisting seems pointless, but on a good note, I think I am finally about able to call the hotline, though I do not know fully know if it is a good idea or not. I do not know what to do.",Suicidal +26766,"I am so tired, i feel like a disappointment to everyone in my life, i moved countries a few months before covid and everything is different i just sit in my room crying or eating, i hate how the internet is rn everyone will put awareness on something but no one fucking cares, I am just so lost and alone, i want to die i want to die, i miss feeling alive, my skin does not feel like mine i lost my sense of self i just want to die so badly, everything is ruined for me, i cannot even enjoy a game i like because someone spoiled it for me I am just all over the place, i look like a mess I am too ashamed to go out and eat other then takeaway or grocery shopping nothing feels the same anymore who am i? Put me out of my misery",Suicidal +26767,"My friend was in a relationship before, but his s/o killed themselves, and he has been pretty depressed, then he found a girl that he really liked, and thought she liked him back. But she went and stayed the night at her exes house. I do not know how to help or comfort my friend and need help. Its not for me but idk many subs for this kind of thing",Depression +26768,"Its been a month since my partner of 10 years left me out of no where on my birthday. Just had their bags packed and said I am leaving. I have no closure and still do not even know what happened. She was physically and emotionally abusive to me but never told anyone about it on account of how emasculating it feels. I do not know how you tell people your female partner punches you at home during arguments. She begged me to go to therapy for years and started to with covid, I worked so hard to become a better person and mentally healthy and she hated that version of me. Now I am a waste of life in their 30s with no reason to live. She took all my friends with her and I just do not have anyone anymore. I drove cross country to be with family to try to sort myself out, but was quickly reminded why I do not spend much time with my family as its only made my mental health worse. I was happier alone with my dog in my car with no where to go or anything. I have stopped taking my medication and have been drinking heavily, which I had not done for a year really. I took my last Ativan today and its been the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end. I doubt my psychiatrist will prescribe more so it just seems like the end to me. I think for some people suicide is their lifes purpose and I feel like I am finally becoming content with that. But I cannot even talk like this openly with my therapist or psychiatrist out of fear of just being committed. I know my self and know I will just lie to get out of there too and will only drive me further to killing myself. I just do not understand why people I thought loved me want to hurt me so badly. I guess I just have bad karma and have done something to deserve this so I feel like nature is just telling me its time to die. I do not expect any one to respond or even read this. I just have no one. Cry for help",Depression +26769,"Its been a month since my partner of 10 years left me out of no where on my birthday. Just had their bags packed and said I am leaving. I have no closure and still do not even know what happened. She was physically and emotionally abusive to me but never told anyone about it on account of how emasculating it feels. I do not know how you tell people your female partner punches you at home during arguments. She begged me to go to therapy for years and started to with covid, I worked so hard to become a better person and mentally healthy and she hated that version of me. Now I am a waste of life in their 30s with no reason to live. She took all my friends with her and I just do not have anyone anymore. I drove cross country to be with family to try to sort myself out, but was quickly reminded why I do not spend much time with my family as its only made my mental health worse. I was happier alone with my dog in my car with no where to go or anything. I have stopped taking my medication and have been drinking heavily, which I had not done for a year really. I took my last Ativan today and its been the only thing keeping me from going off the deep end. I doubt my psychiatrist will prescribe more so it just seems like the end to me. I think for some people suicide is their lifes purpose and I feel like I am finally becoming content with that. But I cannot even talk like this openly with my therapist or psychiatrist out of fear of just being committed. I know my self and know I will just lie to get out of there too and will only drive me further to killing myself. I just do not understand why people I thought loved me want to hurt me so badly. I guess I just have bad karma and have done something to deserve this so I feel like nature is just telling me its time to die. I do not expect any one to respond or even read this. I just have no one. Cry for help",Suicidal +26770,"Men have it objectively worse in all aspects of life in the US except for sexual and domestic violence, and even then, the margin is closing rapidly. Feminist organizations are classifying female-on-male rape stats as separate from actual rape thereby skewing the statistics. It seems like no one gives a shit about men in this society. So if I kill myself, will I be reborn as a woman? Reborn as someone who is actually privileged in this society and yet still has people fighting for them? Will I? If I kill myself, will I be reborn as a woman?",Suicidal +26771,"Why in the world would I think any woman would want me around??? The only one that has tried to keep me around is for purpose of being a fucking ATM. I am just spent, and destroyed. I thought I found ""her"", but I was wrong again. I am too old for this. I just want peace. I am just fucking stupid",Depression +26772,"I am currently 20 years old. I am going to commit suicide when I turn 25. I was just thinking of crazy and fun things to do before I do commit suicide.For one, I do not want anyone in my life to think that I killed myself (I am planning on just getting into a car accident with a tree or something, to make it look like I did not commit suicide), I also want to do a lot of fun things and really enjoy life to the fullest before I do die.The things I have listed right now are to travel to Italy (a lot of Europe really), buy a dog, achieve the physique that I have always wanted, smoke a lot of weed, drink a lot of alcohol, go to a massage parlour, hire a bunch of escorts and possibly have a threesome from that, get a tattoo, if I have the money buy my own car.For anyone who would like to tell me to not commit suicide, please do not. I have already made my decision and do not plan on changing it, but would really love some ideas on things I could do. As for the reason, I am committing suicide, I am short. I am only 5' 5"", and feel pretty small and from what I have heard, women are not interested in short men, so yeah. I mean besides that my life's honestly amazing. Great friends, family (I literally have the best fucking parents in the world), great cousins, however, I feel like an embarrassment to my parents because of my height. I am brown and I am the same height as my dad but noticeably shorter than my brothers. I am also at a pretty reputable university and on track to get a good-paying job, but no point in having money if I am not going to spend it on a family of my own.Any idea would be appreciated! (I am not entirely sure if this is the correct subreddit, please correct me if I am wrong) Crazy and fun things to do before committing suicide",Suicidal +26773,"i go on and on about how my cat is the only thing keeping me here, but you know what i realized?i have a key to my mom's house and she is not really that far away. all i have to do is drop my cat off at my mom's.it is really that simple. i could even do it tuesday then put an end to my misery. it could be so easy",Depression +26774,Is jumping of to a coming train a selfish way to end your life? Train jump,Suicidal +26775,"I have dealt with depression for the majority of my life. I had trouble with it as a teenager, tried to kill myself while I was in the service (while on vacation at home during the holiday) and it just keeps coming back every so often. I imagine ending it often, but have not actively tried in a long time. I just feel like a failure. I am about to turn 40, and I do not even like to look myself in the mirror anymore. Life just does not seem fulfilling. I daydream a lot about my past and what I should have done instead. I thought really hard about just ending it yesterday, but did not go thru with it. How do you cope? What do you do to try and keep going? I do not know what to do anymore",Depression +26776,"TW: Brief mention of Abuse, Murder, and Self-harmIt's the anniversary of the day my nephew was born, and it is been a nearly a year since his death. I do not want to get too into it, but to give you some context, last year my sister had a placental abruption while pregnant which was caused by physical trauma inflicted by her husband to her stomach. My nephew was born with a brain bleed and severe brain damage, as well as other physical afflictions. Eventually, a month later, we had to let go of him, because there was just nothing the doctor's could do. This and a lot of other factors led to one of the worst spirals I have had in my life.Anyway, today, I thought everything was alright. I was going about my day, and I felt empty. But this is my usual state, so to me I was perfectly fine. So, I texted my sister to see how she was. It was alright the first couple of texts we sent back and forth, but then she mentioned the card box she had for writing cards every birthday for Adriel. She also mentioned ""Our little parasite"" which was something I wrote on mine. And I guess it was this specific detail caused all the memories of that horrible time to resurface, even though I thought I was fine. I sat and hyperventilated in my chair for about an hour after that. I feel like my depression is always prevalent, but at that time period for the months that followed his death were particularly bad. This event was not the only thing that caused me to go off the deep end, but I supposed you can call it the catalyst. I can feel the echoes of those feelings now, and I want to cut again so bad. I just want all of this to stop. Happy birthday, Adriel. I do not know if you are in a better place, because I am not sure if I believe that; but if there is a better place, I hope you are there. You did not deserve to have this happen to you. You deserved a long happy life, and I would have spoiled you rotten. I hope that the one that did this to you gets the justice he deserves. Rest in peace. Anniversary of My (Dead) Nephew's Birth",Depression +26777,"I have struggled with mental illness my whole life. From the early age of 6 I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. Later on at about 10 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and than a few years later diagnosed with depression. My first depressive episode took place when I was on middle school, and after seeing a therapist weekly and going on meds I soon became happy and content with my life. However, a few years later (now) I (F17) decided to try and go off my meds. Talking to my parents, doctor, and therapist, we decided to give it a try. And for the first month or so, I was completely fine. Nothing was wrong, and I felt good. But I soon after had fell into a depressive episode. My trigger was, and had been the time before, an internal feeling that I was not good enough. This time the trigger had been not getting a part I wanted in a show I was acting in, pushing all these intrusive thoughts into my head. The main one that I have struggled with however is the thought of suicide. I do not know why. I do not want to die, I do not want everything to end, but I cannot shake the thought. And over the next few months, it just got worse. I ended up getting into a relationship with a guy from school and we have been dating for almost 3 months. Over this time though I have developed ROCD to the point where I think of my bf and I immediately feel miserable. I feel so bad because he likes me so much, and I cannot stop with all the ROCD intrusive thoughts. It got to the point where I would nervous vomit every time I knew I was going to see him. I have no idea what to do. I have ruined multiple events/vacations/parties for myself by just ruminating on the ROCD thoughts of whether I actually like him or not or if were supposed to be together. I have just fucked up the past few months of my life and relationship. Since then, I have gone back on my meds and am seeing my therapist more frequently. Me and my bf are currently on a break, but we are meeting up to decide on what to do in 3 days. I have genuinely been better when I have been able to focus on myself, but I really do not want to break up with him, however hard the relationship might be. I have major guilt from the depression and ROCD thoughts and I do not know what the next step to take is. I have been having these thoughts since we first started dating, so how do I know this is just ROCD, or are me not meant to be together? My depression has ruined my relationship with my bf and myself",Depression +26778,"When I am depressed, which I am right now because of a long term relationship coming to an abrupt end I tend to turn into a methodical robot. I do not know how to act. I know it is a trauma response but it cannot be healthy. it is been one day and I have already made lists of items that need to get done, sort out the logistics of the seperation and contacting my lawyer in regards to paperwork. I do not even know if it is too soon. I do not want to be a cold monster. I do not know how else to cope however. Not with any conflict. I immediately go into survival mode and make checklists of what needs to get done.What is worse? What is better? I do not even feel human right now. I become a robot when I am depressed and it makes me seem like a mean, cold hearted person",Depression +26779,I know its pretty minor but I have been down lately and not being able to enjoy the 4th because I have work early tomorrow is fucking me up. Depression just makes everything even worse. Something about having to work tomorrow and not being able to enjoy the fireworks is fucking me up right now.,Depression +26780,I am still afraid. But I think I am slowly steeling myself towards finally ending my life. I am afraid of pain. I was recently prescribed escitalopram and I was thinking I could simply overdose on it. I do not how feasible it is. I reached my tipping point,Suicidal +26781,"I cannot live anymore i have to kill myself i have destroyed my life. I am way too alone and i cannot pushing with these symptoms. I am far too sick. I really want to get off social media, it is making me sick. I am too alone and i do not want to be trapped in this pain. I am having a panic attack thinking that i have to go outside and meeting people when i have been this hurt and lost",Depression +26782,"Whenever I dream of killing myself I have always wanted to leave behind a poetic suicide note, just because I am melodramatic lol. But seriously, I have always imagined at least giving an explanation that I could not handle the pain of depression anymore. But now I am super suicidal and I am too depressed to even put pen to paper or type one out. If I ever get the courage to go through with it soon, maybe people will just be left wondering or left without closure. Who knows. Too depressed to even write a suicide note",Suicidal +26783,"I do not know How to talk about this so I will Just try and say everything that I am thinking ,I will post It here since i do not have anyfriends that would listen to me talking about this, since 2012 I have thought that It would be better if I was dead , I hate my appareance ,in the past that was It , but now I hate pretty much everything about myself ,I am 25 years old I never kissed I do not Think anyone ever like me in that way and that is something that really upsets me , I hate my Work(telemarketing) and feel that I am not important to anyone , I try to help my friends in anyway I Can but is Just feels like I my presence is more of an inconvinience , people seem to ignore me , is like ""I will be there when you need It"" but no one never is ,It feels like I should'n be Alive that I am Just draging myself even though I should be dead already , I Just did not kill myself before because I am afraid of How much It Will hurt , but I am not caring to much about that anymore , I am planning to end It Soon just need to be Alone at home ,I Just want everything to end that is It I feel terrible almost all the time",Suicidal +26784,I want to kill them My parents just smacked my whole body,Suicidal +26785,"This is a letter to myself, whom I hate more than I ever thought was possible.I hate myself so, so deeply. I hate my thoughts, I hate my face. I hate that I have acne in my mid twenties, I hate that my skin is the wrong color. I hate when people speak to me but I am so lonely. I hate when people share with me good news because I am so envious. I hate that every time I muster up the energy to try again I am met with complete and total opposition at every level. I hate that I never had a choice to be born into a poor, abusive family. I hate everything about myself and this experience I am forced to endure each and every moment of my life. I am so afraid of the future and I hate myself for it. I hate my cowardice and my inability to end my life. I hate myself. I HATE myself. So deeply. I hate myself so deeply",Depression +26786,My parents just hit and smacked my bodyMy body is completely redShould I call 911Im so scaredIm not a minor Can someone please help me,Suicidal +26787,"Link to my previous entries: was different than other days. It was the first day in a long time that I actually felt much like my normal self. Besides feeling a few bouts of irritability here and there, I felt mostly pretty positive. I made a point this morning to try to get things done that I have been putting off since returning home from vacation-- I went food shopping, thoroughly cleaned the inside of my car, took the dog for a walk, mowed and weed whacked the lawn, and made a homemade dessert for a BBQ tomorrow.I started the Abilify a few days ago, and after taking a quarter pill the first couple nights, I took a half a pill tonight. So far, so good-- no side effects thank god! I was so worried since I had SUCH a terrible experience with Latuda but it seems like the Abilify agrees with me better. I should be able to work me way up to a total 10mg really soon.When I was at the grocery store today, I got a couple of kombuchas to kind of substitute an alcoholic drink if I felt like I needed something. I had one after I cleaned my car and it felt really good to just stand in the sunlight and look at the nice, clean finished product while enjoying a cold kombucha. I do not really have an urge to smoke weed-- I really think that I burnt myself out on vacation so much that it was an effective turn-off for a while for sure. No complaints about that-- I hate it when I crave weed. I wish that I could have a better control over myself with it-- like just smoking it before bed to help me sleep or something. it is the same thing with alcohol-- I wish I could just be cool with having it on special occasions. Not every night until it runs out.Anyway, just wanted to say that things are going well with my little monthlong journey. it is still SO early and I know that it will not be so easy as the month goes on-- there are going to be many temptations. But if this is what it would take to get out of this depression, I am paying attention. I think that I really need to give myself a chance and truly SEE myself again, out of the fog. To be continued... DAY 4 of doing the right thing",Depression +26788,I hate people telling me to get help and stop feeling sorry for myself. I wish these people could feel what i feel. Its so easy to tell someone to just go get help when they do not feel what you feel Tired of people saying to get help,Depression +26789,I am 17 and a very severe alcoholic relapsed on my no drinking again. I am also schizoaffective and on a shit ton of antidepressants antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. I am so fucking tried of my shit life. Not once in my whole life my parents ever told me they loved me that they are proud of me or even hugged me. I feel so unwanted in this world i would kill to just have ANYBODY tell me they love or i matter to them at this point. I probably will not even make it past my late 20s if i do not kill myself with alchohol and meds. I just want to feel loved i just want to feel like i matter but evidently that is to much to ask from this world. I am 17 and probably going to drink myself to death.,Suicidal +26790,"Why do people even care. I wish I could just press a button then poof, I am gone. Everyone says you just have to improve yourself, but what if I do not want to? What if I just want to stop existing. I want to leave this world so bad.",Suicidal +26791,I am making sure to appreciate this Independence Day as much as I can. I wonder if it will be my last. I love fireworks,Suicidal +26792,"Not to double post but this time I really really fucked up. I have had suicidal ideation for years but I never went through with it. I almost did, but I did not because my current boyfriend asked me out a few days before I was going to, but I have never told him that out of fear of being manipulative.Just to clarify were in a poly relationship so its me, him, and my gf. My last post explains it more but I have unintentionally hurt her and I do not know if its forgivable. Considering just running away across the country and then killing myself. I have always wanted to see the west coast and I might as well have one nice experience before I die. I am trying to figure out how to plan it. I am 18 but live with my parents (was going to move in with my partners in a couple months but they are both upset with me so idk if that will ever happen) Ill be dead anyways before that happens. If I disappear will I be forced to go home? Thrown into a mental hospital? (We cannot afford it anyways) My mom is working night shift, my dad and siblings are about to sleep. I have tonight to start planning things out but I do not know what I am doing. there is no step to step guide for suicide so I am not surprised, I have never been a too impulsive person so it feels strange to take the leap. I know I only have a little bit of doubt because part of me is still convinced that they will not break up with me after what happened. But even if they do not I deserve thisIf anyone comments I already know I am going to see stuff like try therapy or talk to someone or meditate and exercise and eat healthy1. I have no access to therapy and my family is against it.2. I have tried talking to family and friends, it never helps3. I do plenty of things like that, but its never improved my mental health.I have trauma starting from age 6 and multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses plus autism and an eating disorder. Its not that easy Tired of hurting people",Suicidal +26793,"I have wanted to die almost every day for nearly a decade now. I thought it got easier with age, but now I am just more jaded. I have kept myself alive through misguided belief in silly obligations, but its getting harder to do that every day. I am ready to abandon my roommates with the added rent payment. Every time I feel like I am actually enjoying my life for a while, reality hits me like a ton of bricks as soon as its over. I threw a party yesterday, and it was really fun. I drove someone home this morning, and on my way back I had to pull over to stop myself from pulling the steering wheel. I had to sell my revolver, because I got drunk one night and decided Russian roulette was a good idea. Every single time I drive over a tall bridge, my first thought is is this tall enough to kill me quickly if I jumped? Its an uphill battle, and I know one day I am going to trip. I am so scared, and so alone. I feel like I am fated to take my own life",Depression +26794,I went so far as to convince my best friend to knowingly allow me to kill myself. I changed my mind on my plan. Gave up my gun. Been at therapy nonstop. The thoughts are back. I cannot even tell anyone. I am too ashamed that I am not better. I just spend my time alone avoiding interaction. Its been around a year since I put all of my closest friends through their personal hell with my suicidal thoughts. I do not have anyone I cam confide in that they are back.,Suicidal +26795,"Hi! I am Raven! I go by they/them pronouns, my favorite color is green, my favorite food is ramen, my favorite game is super mario galaxy 1 and 2, my favorite animal is an axolotl, my favorite show(s) is animaniacs and foster's home for imaginary friends, and my favorite drink is a chocolate milkshake!Now, tell me about yourself? How are you? I hope you are fine, look at yourself, you are strong, you made it this far. you have been through everyday before this, you will get through the next. do not choose to start your life all over again!I am going through a tough time myself, and I know it is hard, but we are here! we are alright? you all are so strong <3 To the people who do not have friends..",Suicidal +26796,"I constantly think about killing myself just to know what people would do afterwards, even though Id be dead and not there to see it. Who would come to my funeral, who would cry. Would the people who claim to be my friends care? Or would my death be as insignificant to them as my life was. I keep a list of everyone I know and whether or not I think they would show up to my funeral. With my close friends I even have them ranked based on how much I think they would care. I want to die just to watch what happens",Suicidal +26797,"I have been on lexapro for almost 2 months and I have had some weird symptoms I am going to.. i have lost over 10 pounds and have picked up the very bad habit of procrastinating anything and everything. recently, I have had a lot going on family and work wise and i feel the depression cloud creeping up. i need a hobby or something but i do not feel like i have the time. also is it possible i could be building dependency already? sorry this post was all over the place. answer any questions you can, it is greatly appreciated! lexapro",Depression +26798,Lol they said they will take me to Home Depot tomorrow to buy a rope. I hope I succeed. My family encourages me to commit suicide,Suicidal +26799,"This might not be the best advice. But I have already planned my death a few times. Written my last testament. And every time I get ready to do it, I realize instead of ending it all I can just get some ice cream.does not matter what kind, or if its technically ice cream ie: gelato/frozen custard. But realizing that if it came down to killing myself or going for ice cream. I choose ice cream.Because it is simple, even if my soul hurts and I cannot see any way out. I can still feel like total shit and enjoy a taste of that sweet cold creamy goodness. And that gives me just the right amount of hope to keep on keeping on. I could be bankrupt, broken hearted, and feeling so godamn empty that the thought of eternal darkness still feels more than what is inside my heart. Man I still got ice cream.So next time you are ready to do it. Make sure you make all the plans, write your letters and wills. Then go for some ice cream instead. Just remember, you can always go for ice cream.",Suicidal +26800,People usually say the best way to make friends is to find others with common interests. And logically that makes sense. But I have been depressed for so long that I have long since developed anhedonia. I cannot remember the last time (or any for that matter) that I had a passion or interest in anything. Nothing is exciting. Nothing is fun. I never want to go anywhere or do anything. I am very boring because of this. I feel really stuck. I know self isolating is killing me. I know I need to make friends. But I have literally nothing to talk about. All I do is work and sleep. I do not even really watch tv or anything. How can I make friends like this? How am I supposed to make friends if I have no interests/hobbies?,Depression +26801,"I do not have the rent, again, I am tired of not having the rent... I am tired of having to call my landlord and explain that I need a few more days when I have already used that more than once already. I am tired of trying to fight to survive in a house like this, my family does not even care about me at all and I just do not know what to do anymore. I sit here in my apartment and hear all the shouting of glee and people setting off fireworks, they are all having fun and they do not have to worry, but I am worried about everything, I am worried about being homeless, I am worried about losing my cat, I am worried that I will get COVID and be hospitalized, I am worried that I am going to have a breakdown and get thrown into a mental hospital, I am worried, and I have been worried for well over two years and I am tired. Today I got another message from my stalker, who claims it was not the same person and I am just ""lying to get pity and sympathy"" from other people, they call me out for having a dr*g problem which is not even remotely f*king true and I just... do not know what to do anymore, they claim to live near my house. I have nothing and no one and nobody will listen to me and I am screaming out hoping that ANYONE will hear me, but nobody does, and maybe my stalker is right, maybe I am just playing the victim yet again, and this is all my fault. ""You threaten suicide every week but you have not done it yet"" is what they said to me, and I feel sick reading it. I am exhausted with pretending this is going to get better",Suicidal +26802,"Why do I want to kill myself? I am a piece of shit who does not care about anyone but themselves. I am selfish and I do not want to take responsibility for my life because it is too much effort. I do not see the point of doing anything in life because ultimately life is pointless. But with this mindset, I am hurting people in the process. I am only dragging other people down and I do not want that. Also, please do not tell me ""oh you are not a bad person because you feel bad about it"", I am not posting this to be pitied, I am just venting. I am a bad person",Suicidal +26803,I just graduated and I cannot find a job. My family treats me like shit I am always hiding in my room. I always eat by myself when no one is home. My childhood was mess now they deny that they never treated me bad or hit me. They act like they were good parents but its all lies. I do not know how to drive or have a drivers license I was sick most of the time and I am also nervous to drive because I disassociate a lot I block out everything. Sometimes I wish I could win the lottery and go far away from them and never have to see them again in my life. I have a bf but I am in a long distance relationship he is the only one that makes me happy even to this day even if they do not say it I know they do not want me here. The only reason they do not want me dead is because they do not want to pay for the funeral that is what my dad told me. Honestly idk why they brought me into this world if they never wanted me to begin with. Out of all my siblings I am the one who had to take all of their shit and they took it out on me My family is toxic,Depression +26804,"I just want it got, these ducking thoughts and feelings which make me want to off myself. My head is full of so much pressure from all this shit going on I cannot stand it. I have nobody that cares but for some reason I am too much of a coward to end it all. I know suicide is the only way to find happiness but I cannot do it despite how desperately I want it, I have lost so many people and few people support me. Family do not care and never have and therapy is useless and I lie to them out of fear. I am 17 and due to UK law nothing is confidential and I do not trust my family at all and I cannot get any form of professional help.I wish access to a fire arm was far more easier. I did not ask for any of this",Suicidal +26805,"Its such a scary thing for me to do. I never confronted anyone,so how to confront someone?",Suicidal +26806,"that is all I have. I do not have a gun or a bridge or something nearby, and i do not want to die in a too gruesome way to make it less hard on my family. But there is no way the 32 mg of clonazepam I have left and a bunch of alcohol would kill me right? Has anyone tried something like that? Would I just throw up? What about the clonazepam + alcohol + a plastic bag over my head when I feel like I am about to pass out? God what the fuck am i even sayingSorry Would 32 mg of clonazepam and a lot of alcohol work??",Suicidal +26807,One of the main symptoms of depression I have are the intrusive thoughts. They literally make me cry or ruin my mood because of how dark and disturbing they are. I feel like they are my inner demons trying to break me or something. I hate the fact that MY MIND is the one doing this. Do intrusive thoughts feel like demons watching over you and saying horrible things?,Depression +26808,"My husband left me once again along , not wanting to take me anywhere to be involved together. I want to get high so bad . Its 4th of July and I am in college. He gets so frustrated because he does not realize a relationship consist of a couple doing things together sometimes. He works 12 hours a day 5 days a week and I just wanted 1 day where we go to the park and look at the turtles and look at the clouds or explore the woods. I am tired of the only one wanting a connection. I want to do cocaine so bad but i know i do not need to. I want to relapse",Suicidal +26809,"i wanted to start working out but i could not move all day. i am getting fat on this medication that doctor put me on. its working but its making me gain weight and i hate it. i want to die,. i am really really sad",Suicidal +26810,"what is it like feeling like a human? Or just being happy in general, i cannot remember the last time I have had a good nights rest. Every damn night i lay in bed for hours just feeling worthless and generally horrible, for the past week I have been sleeping next to my fathers only momento a knife the damn thing is dull to the point where it cannot cut anything so so I have been fantazising the last cou0le of days about just laying on my back at plunging it into my heart, I have even been practising the movement, I have tried to off myself twice already, the first time was 4 years ago on my 18th bday another bday I have spent alone with noone even sending me a single text, i drank like half a box of pain pills all I have had and around 1l of vodka....you can imagine my dissapointment when i awoke...the second time i do not know when it was i climbed a fortress we have in my city and when i was about to do it some bastard tackled me hulk hogan style and started barreting me with the usual bullshit of: why would you do something like that/you have got so much to live for/a bad day does not mean a bad life the bastard bummed me out so much i just wanted to sleep it off in the end, and now here we are I am 22 shit got even worse I am still alone, i have nothing to my name the few friends i have, have actually started to notice that my facade of everythings good is falling apart. My best friend know how i feel and god i love that man but his best argument as to why i should not off myself is because ""you cannot leave me alone in this rotten cesspool"" meanwhile here i am in my bed its 0323am i have to get up for work at 5am at the latest for my 6am shift and all i can think of is how utterly and wholeheartedly regret not dying the first time around its been 4 years for cryibg out loud i apologise for grammar mistkes as of now since I am crying and cannot see the screen very wel ,nothig got better a billi9n things got worse i do not onow what to do anymore..... I am afraid thay in another 3 years timr its going t9 be the same shit again, but i pfomised mysrlf on my 25th if i feel the same I am killing myself for sire but now as i sit here at this point that goddamn knife looks sharp enougu for me i do not knoe guys I am so sick of felling like thsii just want someone to hug me and tell me its gona be okay, but my frienda are not like that its the no weakness showing kind off group i do not know anym9re should i try and wait for the promised day? But if i snap i snap,i prom8sed the love od my life 1 thing(she is no longer in the picture as much) that i will not ever again TRY to off myself and I have kept my promises so far, any advice? Similae stories? Anything that can keep me going at least forna while peps please Its 3am right now another night i cannot sleep",Suicidal +26811,"I am 32, I have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, after having suffered a lifetime of suicidal thoughts. I spent years in psychiatric care but was wrongly diagnosed and never got the help I needed. I was bullied and abused as a kid, I was extremely bright and sensitive and high hopes and a huge appetite for life. After I burned out it completely went away. Even if I could have it all I still would not be able to enjoy it because my brain is destroyed from trauma. Severe memory problems, emotional dysregulation that shifts sometimes several times a second. Chronic insomnia. Its never ending. I am incapable of doing mundane everyday tasks that can pass timeMy life has been constructed to isolate me in the most profound way and I lost the ability to occupy myself with areas of interest because of chronic anxietyI started having breakdowns where I scream in despair and wake up neighbours who calm the police.Its happened so many times I know the staff who arrive and today we even cut things short because they know there is nothing that can be doneI cannot cope with the disappointment of what my life has become. I used to be a singerI have not sung in ten years and my fits of rage have destroyed my vocal chords. I cannot even hum to myself without triggering anxiety severe ADHD ( medication does not work, it usually ends in anhedonia and uncontrollable rage attacks, ASD, burnout syndrome, seasonal depression, tinnitus, ptsd, narcissistic personality disorder, hiv positive, I was wrongly diagnosed with borderline and I have been denied the social care and therapy for years because I am labelled as a hopeless caseIve never been able to work, I did not finish school. I used to have too grades and I have rare artistic talents and a deep understanding of art and science but I have never been able to build a context where I belong. I am alone all the time, I often cannot even listen to music because of the sensory overload.I am so scared of dying but I have no realistic reasons to think this will ever change and I can tell I have gone far in the process of pushing myself to the edge and finally kill myself.I never have energy to do anything, I feel like I spent the last 20 years waiting for a bus that never arrives. These days when I call my parents I end up screaming intelligibly outof sheer desperation and I dissociate. I cannot even externalise curiosity of the world because how the system destroyed me and how the planet is dying.I am chronically depressed in a way where I am incapable of falling in love and meeting someone. I lost so many friends and opportunities. I would not even have been able to fantasise life would become so painful. The envy makes me physically nauseous and hyperventilate. This is the end for me.I wanted to live but this life is never going to be good enough. What I need to sustain balance always overwhelms me and leaves me in deep fatigue. Goodbye This is my story",Suicidal +26812,"I suffer from depression and ptsd from when I was in Baghdad, Iraq in 03-04. The sporadic pops, bangs and the sounds of explosions really haunt me this time because they sound so easily like combat.My wife passed years and years ago and now I really have nothing to help me cope. I have actually got a new friend who has shared advice, but they live so far from me that they are limited in what they can do. it is appreciated.I just miss when my wife would hold my hand. Play Xbox with me with the volume cranked or just lay in bed with me, holding me until I fell asleep.I do not think a solution really exist and I miss my wife so much. Sorry for the pathetic story, it is just this holiday is a reminder of how truly alone I am. Missing how my wife helped me with this time of year",Depression +26813,"My mom died from something that could have been prevented. I have spent the past 9 years being a mentally ill freak who never got better. The person who gave me my meds overmedicated me left me with long term health issues due to their medicating style, and when I called them to ask for advice, just told me they legally could not help me (AKA pay me money) and said goodbye. I am alone on July 4th with nobody to enjoy life with anymore. I just want to be forgotten. I just want to leave. I just want all the stupid bullshit to end already. I hit myself in the head hard over and over just to see if it causes something to happen. All that happens is ear ringing and my head hurts for about 10 minutes. I just want to leave peacefully.Everything single thing I loved is gone. Please just let me leave and be forgotten.",Suicidal +26814,my girlfriend was all i had now that is gone too. she was all i had and i was all she had so why the fuck did we let it go. I am so fucking stupid i knew that if we ever broke up it result in her doing something stupid and now she could be dead because of this. i will never forgive myself and i am going to live the rest of my life in pain if it is even fucking worth living. i do not know how i even got out of bed just now. the truth is right now i feel better than i thought i would. but it is only the first day. I am terrified of tomorrow coming so that is why i have not been laying down sobbing and waiting to fall asleep because i know as soon as i fall asleep tomorrow will come and whatever happened with her I will have to face reality. what the fuck have i done. nothing lasts. she was all i had,Depression +26815,"I really struggled to write this honestly. About a year ago, I had an accidental overdose that caused a seizure and stroke. I was in the ICU for 9 hours unconscious before I finally woke back up. It was terrifying and I am happy I survived the ordeal. However, there are days when a nasty little voice in my head stats that maybe I do not deserve to be here. That I should have just died and it would have made everything easier on everyone else. I would never act on it because I do not want to die, but there have been times when I am literally in a hole where I have thought that maybe it is right and I do not deserve to be here. I feel so lost.... Sometimes I Think It Would Have Been Better If I Had Died.",Suicidal +26816,"If you live alone and no one checks on you, what would be the best way to go about it? Is there a way to reduce decay from having the body left untouched for a prolonged period of time?Also, what are the major things you should have in order before you go? what is the best way to leave passwords and such? what is the best method?",Suicidal +26817,"i guess i came here on this app to talk to somebody who does not know me. I am a 16F and I have never been to a doctor or therapist for anything but i feel like i have been dealing with mental health issues my whole life. I have suffered from eating disorders , not being able to control my sadness or anger , feeling empty , and self sabotaging myself to not be happy. recently I have been crying alot and i do not know why, the people that love me keep asking me what is wrong and get discouraged when i cannot give them an answer. i do not want to push away everyone i love but theirs this person inside me that just wants to be alone and feel sorry for herself. the other side of me thinks rationally , there is a constant war in my head of either being a hard ass or a sensitive bitch. I am drained , i ruined my vacation because i could not stop crying. i just do not know what to do with myself. i wish i could just be happy fr. i do not know what is wrong with me",Depression +26818,"I fuck everything up. I wish I was better. I wish someone would understand me. Nobody really knows me. Nobody has ever known me. I hate me. Everything is wrong. 0/10, would not recommend. Always the same fucking cycle. Nothing is wrong with my life. I am what is wrong with my life. I wish I was different. I am so sad. fml.",Depression +26819,it is rare to find someone who wants to have a conversation beyond small talk and sharing memes socializing is pointless,Depression +26820,I have made so many mistakes in my life I got divorced because my daughter wanted out spent a lot of money trying to support us since he did not do anything hes all happy with some new person and the whole family goes over there hangs out like it used to be now she even goes over there I cannot afford a place on my own so Ill have to go to my parents in Kentucky she has your dad his new 15 year year difference with him so I am sure it would be much better I am lonely here and she is over there tonight as I sit here by myself not much difference Time to go,Depression +26821,The shot would just blend right in with the Fourth of July fireworks anyway. I hate myself too much to live anymore. I think I am going to kill myself.,Suicidal +26822,"Not using a throwaway because screw it. I am losing control over my mind, I feel. Been battling depresison for 6-8 years now and thought i was gettingt better, but I am not. it is only getting worse and worse. My troubles are likely to be pretty lgihtt compared to the majority of the ones on here, it is just grades and shitty groupmates. but these grades are important as they can mean if i can get into a uni or not and my country, singapore, is highly competitive.We submitted a shit project worth at least one-third of my grade uncomplete and i have to wringle out the wringler with these people for antoher three more projects. I am getting tired. what is the point of trying so hard? i slept only 2 hours a day for the last two weeks and it is starting to show. I ran myself ragged for the last two years to obtain a good GPA so that I can provide for my family and it is going to go flush down the drain because of my shitty groupmates who want to do work last minute or do nothing at all. For fuck's sake, while I was working on the documents, I saw two of them come in and sit there doing nothing for good solid hours, checked the timestamp in google slides, no edits made by either of them. Like what the fuck is going on?I cannot take it anymore. I am having a nervous breakdown and my school expects us to go f2f lessons again. i want to kill myself. I am in the process of writing up notes to people who i think has guided my life, both negatively and positively. it is just a matter of gathering the resolve to do it..I am too chickenfeet to die, i want the pain to stop but i do not dare end it with my own two hands, i wish something would kill me so i can be done. my family said they would be sad if i died, but i think they will be less burdened knowing that a deadweight like me, that wasted 3 years of my life doing nothing at home, is gone and not leeching off them. Let it end. Let it end. let it end.",Suicidal +26823,Every day is different. Some days are better than others. For some reason today I am really missing you. Its been difficult today. Its a difficult one today,Depression +26824,"I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Everything seems to be some kind of joke. No skills and no work ethic. Fine when people are around but without smoking every day there is nothing else I want to stick around for. I know people would miss me but only for a while, and I would become some kind of story for them to keep living. Idk how I would do it. Maybe with dads gun. Maybe some pills. I just do not want to keep going. Everyone says it will get better one day, or that things will change. How long do I have to go through this? How long until things change? I am sick of waiting around and wasting my time with others who tell me things are better when they really are not No light",Suicidal +26825,"Its 3 am and I have an important exam in 7 hours that is pretty,, detrimental to my future. And honestly it looks like Ill fail it. I did not study for it at all, I have been barely functioning the past few weeks, if not even months. Maybe its stupid, to feel all thsi over an exam. But honestly I just really want to attempt to not only get out of this but also to finally get help. If I do not get help soon I do not know how Ill be able to function. My mental health has been deteriorating for months and, looking at the bigger picture, its only getting worse. It does not help that usually said deteriorating mental health stops me from setting up an appointment with a therapist. I either cannot wake up or I lose track of time. Days seem to fly by and I feel like I am barely aware. I am tired of this miserable existence. Part of me wants to do it just to get some fucking help already",Suicidal +26826,"Crippling can mean different things to different people. For me, at times my depression hits me like a thunderbolt that causes a very hollow feeling which is hard to explain, I do not want to be around people, I do not want to speak, I cry, my heart aches.What are your crippling emotions? How frequently do you have crippling depression?",Depression +26827,"Based on a true story. One of the most inspiring films ever. For people like us when we think there is no chance of success, or that there is no hope left. You all should watch a movie called Bleed for This",Suicidal +26828,Does anyone here remember joy? Know how to find it? I am so sick of feeling depleted and empty all the damn time. Joy?,Depression +26829,Or cared about or at least to know more like 5 people personally It feels so bad i just want to be desired,Suicidal +26830,"Did you see the movie back to the future? I am like George McFly. I am so depressed and I wish to die. no suicide. I just hope that something kills me cuz I am tired of my life. I suffered with bullying at school because of my appearance and personality. never been the most loved even in my family I am the older brother and the only ugly I feel like they treat me differently (and no not adopted) my father expected a stronger son I love my family but they love my brothers more I never felt bad about this. just everything makes me think I am a loser. My first girlfriend she used me for everything you can imagine. homework studies troubles in general. I did everything for her like a dog but when we graduated she decided to break up with me she said you re veeery boring. she left me crying alone in a restaurant everyone was looking at me and the waiter was more worried about me than she. stopped needing me. Then I met a girl apparently good too good to be true and it took me 2 years to understand that she only wants my money. I cannot say no, I do not even want to say it because I worry so much when someone needs something. I work very hard. I am tired. Everyone uses me I always feel bad about my appearance and personality I cannot stop think about this I have a good heart but nobody cares Thanks for reading this I am an unhappy person but I know there are bigger problems than mine. sorry. I just wanted to say it People walk all over me",Suicidal +26831,I just moved to a new city and my friends do not live close to me. I have been feeling really depressed for a while and now I just feel really alone. Today I feel really bad. I know there is apps like MeetUp and things like that but idk if I am just too depressed to go on it. I just feel really depressed and alone. I feel alone and extremely depressed,Depression +26832,"I finally went to see a psychotherapist after years of struggling and the conversation was really nice. I mean it was quite basic, he asked me if I wanted to talk freely or if he should ask away and I chose the latter, but still even just talking to someone who is non-judgmental and not so reactive towards possibly disturbing things I might say was liberating. Right at the start I told him I was suffering from depression, but after talking for just a bit he quickly crossed thatpossibility out, saying that I did not have the most prominent symptoms, being lack of sleep most importantly, among other things. Apparantly sleeping well and too much is a disqualifier lol. In the end he did diagnose me with a reoccurent depressive disorder (I dunno if that is the correct term in English) on paper even though he said I am 'just' fatigued, so I am confused. However the main thing I wanted to say is that I just do not know how I feel about this (if I count on his words and not the final diagnosis?). I should feel relieved but if I am not depressed what makes me the mess I am? What makes me apathetic and hurt for no apparent reason? I cannot shoulder the responsibilty for 'failing' in life so far yet. it is too much without the 'excuse' of being depressed. To top it, this was my biggest fear ever since I suspected I might be depressed in my teenage years.. That I might just be this way, that everything I was going through was just me, my personality. I finally embraced and accepted that I was depressed years along the way and often realized just how fucked up my mind is when others reacted strongly to random small things I said, seeing in what dark place my mind was. Maybe I am just lazy and cannot grow the fuck up. I should have asked him if he was clearly diagnosing me with depression or what. Or is there a difference I do not know about? He also said that I should meet with a specialist for gastroenterology for my iron deficiency and emphasized that many women apparently suffer from the kind of symptoms I do just from the deficiency. I have experienced severe anemia before and I have had barely acceptable iron stats for years, although I do take supplements whenever it dips too low and have that checked every year, which my doctor for that does not take it half as serious... Anyway even though I came out confused I rode the high of having achieved seeking help, which I have been putting off for ages. And as I said before, just talking openly was really nice and I feel like I got lucky to actually like the first professional I met with, having heard that many need to switch a few times before finding someone they click with. Even though I cannot go back there, as there are no capacities in my city for the demand there is apparently. Please go seek therapy if you need it. Everybody can benefit from it, not just (us) depressed folks. So yeah if anybody actually read this far, have a nice day/night, I wish you well. Just me rambling about my experience in one (first) therapy session",Depression +26833,My brain is so foggy and its hitting me that my life is ultimately meaningless. Nothing matters if you think about it. Were all going to die sooner or later. I cannot imagine living with this feeling much longer. I do not know how I am still alive. Nothing really matters,Depression +26834,"I am tired of feeling like I am making progress only to feel the opposite where I question any progress I might have made. I also broke up with my boyfriend a few months back and there is this huge void that I do not know how to fill, I thought breaking up was taking steps towards better mental health but now I am worse off than before. I realise that he was a crutch but now I want/need a new crutch and life is so much more lonely. I do not know where to look. I just want to feel like I am making *stable* progress as opposed to extreme ups and downs. End of rant. Tired of ups and downs",Depression +26835,"So when I watched 13rw a few years ago I was like idk I would never want anyone to deal with having my suicide on their conscious I would not blame anyone :/Now I am 23 and literally more depressed and OBVIOUSLY not okay than I have ever been and now I am like ""mmmm I dunno I am startin to think a lot of people could have been not so shit or done moreee""Like I never wanted to feel blame for my suicide and that was a very strong motivator for like, still being alive to type this? But now, I am bitter as shit. The world is not kind and I am done being kind to it, literally everything can go fuck itself and I do not care. I was literally kind to the point of it being maladaptive to my own survival and now I do not have any of my core beliefs, any of my strongest relationships, or any of my will to fight when all that ever happens is me getting my ass just continuously handed to me by whatever forces that be on a very routine basis.But like, Jesus man, would a hug have been so hard to give if you knew one could save a life. I Get It Now",Depression +26836,"I do not belong anywhere. I do not know why I was born. I wish I had not been. Everyone in my family hates me. Everybody in the community hates me. I am not going to go much into my deeper problems here. I have a disorder that nobody understands. I deal with emotionally paralyzing pain from trauma and psychological problems. The two people who do actually care, are why I am still here. I just cannot abandon them. I already know exactly how and where Ill do this. I just cannot take it anymore. My life is fake. The happiness and love I have felt I realized are lies. People are fake. The pain and misery are all too real. Will be Any day now",Suicidal +26837,"okay so I am writing this bc i feel like i have no one else to talk to about this and I am not really quite sure what exactly I am feeling right now. So I keep thinking to myself I want to die. This usually happens when I am really anxious or just very sad about a situation. I do not think I could ever actually end my life or really even cut myself. I just keep having these thoughts that I wish I was not alive. I am wondering if this is suicidal thoughts or no. I have this issue where I think that my problems are not that bad and that I could be worse off. I do not want to hear things like please do not, you have so much to live for because I already know it would not be a smart idea and I seriously do not think I am to that point where I want to harm myself. Its so hard for me to express my emotions and let people know how I am really feeling and I do not know how to stop this. Idk, anything helps at this point i do not know my feelings",Depression +26838,"Hey, i have made some progress mentally since I started taking antidepressants but somehow I still cannot get over this issue, not with pills, not with therapy. Wherever I am, alone or with friends i constantly feel like the ugliest person in the room, i admit I might not be what society considers pretty but I just think this is too much, it does not make sense that I hate how I look so much and i know it is not good for my mental health but I cannot avoid it. I just always feel like I am the ugliest, sometimes I think I should not be allowed to go out and I feel bad for the people that have to see me because I am so ugly. Of course with this comes the issue of feeling like no one will ever like me or want to be with me. I just do not know what to do I have been struggling with this my whole life, I really think it is the thing I need to overcome to finally feel like I can be happy. I cannot stop feeling ugly",Depression +26839,"I have been working on myself recently to be more active, positive and try my best to love and help people with their problems. In reality I just want to build up the courage to kill my self. I am miserable 100% of the time and if people knew about this they will never speak to me again. I can listen to people and their problems but they do not care to hear mine. I love helping people but people do not give a shit about me. I really do not want to live anymore.I am alone but do have some friends. I think people would be sad and miss me, but not terribly, they will get over it. I just do not want to face another day. I am very good at hiding my true feelings from everyone. If you saw me at work or with friends you would think I was a happy go-lucky person.it is all a front. I am not looking forward to anything. I just want to die. I just want to be dead.I am so tired. So tired of living. I do not think life is worth it.",Suicidal +26840,"I have finally drifted away from the few friends/acquaintances I had, IRL and online. Now I have no one and I do not have the social skills or energy to find new friends online and there is no opportunities to do so IRL either. I am chronically ill so I cannot work or do education right now at least. I have bpd and ptsd but the doctor was not sure if I had clinical depression because I tried various antidepressants and none helped whatsoever. I have never posted here before but I needed somewhere to vent. I do not want to tell my mom I am feeling this way again because she already has enough stress from me. I do not like speaking on the phone to helplines and there is nothing anyone can say anyway. I hate feeling like this again and again. but every time it feels like a more plausible option. Back feeling this way again",Suicidal +26841,"I am so tired more than I am not tired. I do not feel like doing anything and I am already been on meds for months now. I hate feeling like this. I want to go and do stuff, but I am just so exhausted. Tired all the time.",Depression +26842,Seems like any little thing is a trigger for me to think about how i would do it. I have had suicidal ideation before but never like this and I am afraid Ill end up trying something I cannot stop thinking about it,Suicidal +26843,"I hate my life as much i hate other people. I wish i could blow everyone is head off. I just hate feeling like I am at the top of the world. I have good grades, a loving family, but everything else is painful. I do not want to live anymore. I hate everything i do, and i feel like shit every day. I just hate the fact that i have to live. I feel so lost and i cannot cope up with the fact that i cannot get out of this hole I am in. I have an eating disorder and I have been cutting myself. I am tired. I want to rest. Forever. I might do it, but then, what will stay behind? I feel lost.",Suicidal +26844,I hate life I want to take these tablets & hope I never wake up But so scared that I do wake like the last time fuck it fingers crossed tonight is the night good bye you all So conflicted,Suicidal +26845,i keep swaying back and forth and tears keep filling my eyes i have never been so alone in my whole life. i never thought id be alone like this and isolated it is a constant battle to hold the tears back and not feel like just laying down and going to sleep i feel so tired and just give up nobody wants anything to do with me or wants to be my friend i feel so invisible i do not want to be around anymore do not want to live this same repeating day over and over again of constantly being alone anymore. somebody please talk to me acknowledge i exist please I am begging you anybody. i do not know what to do anymore I am lost and so alone,Depression +26846,"For me it is like not sleeping in days at all and after that there is one day where I sleep like all day Long. I currently seem to kind of get regulated sleep but only Like 2 or 3 hours. But I am starting to Fall Back Into this ""No sleep until knockout sleep day"" pattern. Thing is..i Just cannot go to sleep. As soon as I lay down I Start getting headaches From all the thoughts I cannot hold Back while trying to sleep. I can only kind of sleep when I have been sleepless for way too long or If I am being drunk(I am Not an alcoholic). I Had this ""knockout sleep"" pattern for quite some years (2 or 3) but I never really bothered. Not sure why I do now. But I wanted to hear some thoughts. I also have headaches when I have to Deal with a Lot of people. I am pretty anti social so i thought it might have to do with stress. My sleep rhythm feels unhealthy",Depression +26847,"Pog, if you are reading this, I am probably dead. About 9 months before my oldest brother was born, I did the maths on my parents ages and it worked out that my mother was barely 16 at the time, whereas my dad was almost 34. Which is pretty fuckin creepy. This also predates the solemnization date of their marriage by about 6 months. As a kid, I was basically treated like the favourite child, fuckin royalty by my mother. Which is not a good thing, honestly. She pretty much treated me like a toddler until I was about 13, shielding me from everything, i.e. sex, kids that were not my colour, etc. She also did some really creepy and gross shit, like forcing me to wear nappies, showering with me, to a very creepily late age. Its probably why I act so immature and childish, I literally do not know how to grow up. I am always going to be an annoying fuck :DDD She also started going on real weird power trips, like screaming about how I should know my place over the smallest things, and buying sticks to beat us with :)))Anyway, cos I was treated like a favourite child, it caused my four siblings to fucking r e s e n t me. I remember one time, when I was 8 and he was 17, my brother kicked me fuckin hard. He had to move out for a few months. I was told the reason why is cos the police were investigating that thing, turns out my sisters made false rape allegations against him. My other brother also told me the entire family breaking down was my fault (This was when I was 7 or 8, its probably why I apologise for fuckin everything. I do be ruining everything )Every day, my dad used to come around. My parents got divorced cos my mum wanted to get a job and not be a stay-at-home mum, and my dad got pissed the fuck off. He lived in the second house we had, my mother kicked him out and got the first house in the divorce proceedings. They fought every fucking day, a couple times it got physical but most of the time it was just yelling. During one of their shouting matches, I remember my dad shouting something that he only came every day for me, because my other siblings are old enough to go see him whenever they wanted. I felt hugely fuckin guilty cos it was literally my fault that everyone had to deal with these fights cos of me, so I eventually moved out in 2017 because I hated the feelings of guilt whenever he came around. That shit backfired anyway, because I was seen as the fucking enemy by my mum, as if I betrayed her side of the family when I just wanted the fighting and shouting to stop.Right after i left my mum, my uncle (head of Maths at the school I went to) got me a school therapist who was actually just his mate telling me by Islamic law I should respect my mum and go back to her because otherwise I will go to hell. I reported him and he got fired, but it left a sour taste in my mouth, I fucking hate therapy now. shit I do not remember the dates for.Finding a picture of a young girl (like, a toddler.) in a swimsuit hidden on the family computerMy brother putting my mother in a headlock, and almost fuckin choking her out.I also have a feeling I was nonced on as a kid, because I seem to have the symptoms other victims have, ie. repressing most of my childhood memories, hypersexuality from a VERY young age, and a fear of males in general, to be honest.I just feel like an accident. it is less that I want to die, I just wish I was not here in the first place. Taking up space, annoying people, making tons of mistakes, hurting people I care about. At this point I self-harm because I deserve the pain. Even as I type this, I am marking up my skin, scratching my wrists and my torso. It stings, but I cannot stop doing it.I try my best to be a good person. I give food to as many homeless people I can see, I try to be supportive and caring, the kind of friend I always wish I had when I was suffering. But I cannot help feeling like its not enough. I am not enough for anyone. All I ever wanted was to make people smile, to help them as much as I can so my existence is not a complete fucking waste.But I keep fucking up, I keep hurting people, I keep on being a cunt. I do not know how to fix myself, and I am starting to realise I cannot.I just want to know why I hate myself so damn much.I am sick of being an outcast, all I have ever wanted is to fit in, to be normal. But every time I look in the mirror, no matter what I do, all I can see are my parents, and what they fucking made me. I need to force myself to remember Ill always be alone, instead of getting my dumb fucking hopes up whenever I meet a new person. Because they will abandon me sooner or later. My story (TW Sexual assault and Self Harm)",Suicidal +26848,Then more lies come up and closure seems impossible. Marriage. I am trying to change,Depression +26849,"honestly i cannot go 5 minutes without saying some sad shit which i bet annoys the fuck out of everyone. does not help that I am a known member in communities, just makes me look like I am so whiny and pathetic. also does not help that i am whiny and pathetic. i just want to stoppp existing but in sleep deprived and high on nutmeg so idddgaf its just kind of annoying knowing that i only experience my live and yet I am ruining it by being an annoying cunt while also making other people's days worse with my stupid nonsense lmao fucking kill me how can i not annoy everyone",Depression +26850,"I was recently separated from the military.. coming home I thought everything would be much better than it was. Though it is nice to be back I cannot relate with my friends anymore. I do not want to smoke weed.. I do not even want to drink anymore.. something I used to love to do they are bad influences but my only friends back home. I just go to school, sit in my room and do nothing all the time I feel so empty and possibly just as depressed as I was back in military. I have tried to talk to them about it but I am called boring, lame and a puritan. I have no desire to go back to that lifestyle they live.. but I have no other lifestyle to fall into not sure what to do.",Depression +26851,"I am 20. I have hated myself my entire life, and always figured I would kill myself eventually so I have made zero investments in my future. My friend died a few months ago. He hung himself. After seeing what it did to his family, friends, and honestly what it did to me, I have resigned myself to living. But I still do not want to live. I will not do anything for myself. will not help myself. Because I deserve everything I do to myself. My mom tells me I almost got hit by a truck riding my bike as a kid and sometimes I wonder if I was not supposed to die that day because its the only thing that makes sense. I fell through the cracks and now I am stuck in limbo, unable to die, unwilling to live, doing nothing but taking up space in my home, wasting my familys time and energy. Stuck in limbo.",Suicidal +26852,"I am 15 years old. I have always struggled with self-worth and hatred towards myself. I have tried to push through as my feeling of self-hate have grown stronger. I am to the point now where anytime anything goes wrong, I think to myself, ""if I were dead, this would not have happened."" I feel like a burden to my family. It feels like everything that could go wrong does. Everyone hates me and probably wants me dead. I know that if I do not die within the next few years, I will be dead before I turn 25. I have already struggled with drug use and hate myself for it. If I live to be 21, ill get way too deep into alcohol and die an alcoholic. Is there any hope for me? do not know what to do...",Suicidal +26853,"Days like this, Holidays is when I feel the most lonely even though I am usually with my family I cannot avoid the emptiness inside of me a bottomless bit that is just gets more bottomless each day. The more day pass the more of a husk I feel. Anyone feel the same way? or have a good way to temporary fill the bottomless hole. Holidays",Depression +26854,"I am knees deep in depression. I have been trying to get better with psychiatric help, but it only made it worse. I was depressed and had panic attacks, and thanks to those meds i am now more aggressive, less caring and every day i am pushing all the people that were my friends away, just to not feel guilty that my death will destroy their lives.I have a loving girlfriend and about 7 friends i care deeply about, they are the only people that make me wait with ending it all. I am 23, nearly 24 and I cannot be an adult. I act childish, I escape into books and videogames, I failed 2 years of my colleague and I really want to pass it this year, but I do not think I am able. cannot focus, everything scares me, I need to escape, distract myself. My own head is my prison. If I do not distract myself with games or books, i keep thinking of how much of a failure I am. Walking sack of meat, wasted resources. do not know any usefull skills besides being supposedly charismatic. My loved ones told me so, but it is probably from pity. They love me but every day they must think about me not moving forward. Everyone does evolve and get better and I cannot. I just want all this to end. I need help, or I will do something they will regret. I feel like I have been cotributing nothing to their lives. I wish they stopped caring so I can off myself and finally escape this wretched place. I just cannot, I can see the few people that care about me, even though I tried to push them away. All the sadness, their staring at my dead corpse would scar them for the rest of their life, and pain and suffering would be the only thing that I left behind. Shall I wait more, until they really will stop caring? I cannot just kill myself, it would be a killing blow for them. They love me and I love them to but I am an error, taking up space. The worst thing is that I cannot tell them how I feel, they would instantly treat me like a lunatic, insane, they would treat me like a poor little hurt animal, and it is nearly as bad as just seeing me dead. It would just slowly kill me and them. I do not know, i do not know. Maybe I should just walk away from home and just see what would happen to me. Just drive as far as I can afford and then walk until i collapse. I am deeply depressed, I do not know what to do. Get better? End it all? Tell my loved ones for filthy pity and care that would case me to be even more of a burden. I do not know. Never tried to take my own life, but I really fantasy about it. Hoping I will not wake up next morning. Everyday, a disappointment in the morning. Still breathing. I am sorry for talking your time to read this. I just needed to talk. Hoped it will help a little. Sorry. I need help. I do not know what help is. Sorry. I cannot do it anymore.",Suicidal +26855,"The love of my life left me while I was in rehab last October. I have been through so much since then, although I regret so much and still think about her every day. I even have nightmares about her every night. This has been the hardest thing in my life and I cannot see myself getting over this. Please give me advice, or reach out. I feel hopeless especially on this 4th of July, I have memories with her many years today. I am suicidal (21M)",Suicidal +26856,"they are so fucked up and weird. Am I the only one? Like they are not even nightmares necessarily, although they sometimes are that. Idk if you guys have ever had fever dreams but they feel literally exactly the same. They just feel really weird and bad, idk how to describe it. Like literally last night whenever I would fall asleep I would go into this lucid dream where I kept on floating away up into the sky like a balloon and I had to keep grabbing on to things to keep myself grounded and to stop from floating away, lmao. And I knew was dreaming and would try to keep waking myself up but end up falling back asleep again and again, it went on for hours, throughout the night. Can anyone else relate? Ssri withdrawal dreams",Depression +26857,"it is very unlikely people will kill themselves because of the pain my suicide causes them, but if I kill myself because of the suffering they put me through I am suddenly the one that is responsible for creating pain?If I kill myself and they do not, who is in more pain?My family severely abused me my whole life, why should I even care about their feelings when all they did was giving a shit about mine?Are the people who say that just selfish assholes or is that a still strange way to show that they maybe care about you?If people can even care about other people, maybe its all just selfish behaviour in disguise. ""Suicide just puts other people in pain"" well these other people obviously put me in even more pain before???",Suicidal +26858,And if I do not I will die trying. I will get better,Depression +26859,"the other day i messaged my best friend, who is also mentally ill.i made a rather graphic suicide joke, which in hindsight should have warranted a trigger warning.she told me she loves me but she is actually on the road to recovery and she is trying not to think about those things.while i am over the moon for her and continue to support her recovery, i am in the worst place I have ever been. i cannot help feeling I am being left behind. left behind",Suicidal +26860,"me and my long distance girlfriend broke up and i do not know what I am going to do without her. we did not sat those exact words but we knew it was over and I am so worried that she might have taken her life because of this breakup. i was the only reason she had to keep going and if we had just stayed together i bet she would not have done anything (if she did) I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life because of this if she is not still here. but not only that how am i supposed to move on? this month is going to hurt the worst. july 22nd is the day we first met and we would have known each other for a whole year. that is a long ass time. I am in so much pain that i do not know how I am going to carry on living if she is not here not only that but just the fact that we are not together anymore. our relationship was painful at times because we are both going through our own shit so obviously we were going to have problems. but i want to kill myself so bad now we were together for seven months and we spent so much time together. we had loads of inside jokes, made things for each other, played roblox together. the fact that we are never going to get to play roblox together again may be one of the saddest things all i can think about right now is how much she loved my avatar and would call it elfie and now i want to start sobbing i just want to die and hurt myself till i do i cannot fucking do this anymore",Suicidal +26861,"I can honestly say being in this subreddit is quite comforting, I feel like I am not alone. Comforting",Suicidal +26862,"I miss my friend. He was 16 and now he is dead. it is my fault. I wish I died instead. I am so sad. These emotions and this lack of understanding are killing me. I planned on killing myself today but I do not know if I can. I feel broken, a she will of what I once was. I do not understand what is happening to me. there is so much pain all the time, everyday this sadness crushes my head and it hurts and I cannot take it. I cannot fix this, I cannot concentrate, motivate myself, have a conversation, be happy, get any enjoyment out of anything. Everything is so overwhelming now. It all used to be so simple. I am a terrible human being and in the end I deserve to die. I know I am eventually going to kill myself, I really hope so. I do not want to live to 18 because I am so scared of age. I simply do not want to do this anymore. I am not right anymore, I have lost myself. I cannot be who I used to be. Now I am just angry and sad and in pain all the time. Sorry for saying all that, I just needed to let that out, it did not make me feel better but I tried I guess. I feel haunted (vent)",Suicidal +26863,"I am currently on 100mg of Zoloft. I started reducing by 5% about 2 weeks ago because I would like to slowly get off of it. I have been on Zoloft for one year, switched different medications in the past, but these past 3 years have been extremely difficult. I have always gone through waves of severe depression and have always been able to get myself out it, but nothing is working anymore. I just feel so apathetic and down every single day. I am eating good, quit smoking, working out, forcing myself into social situations and doing everything I can do keep a healthy mind. My friends know me as the life of the party. I am extremely extroverted and it is a performance every time I am around them. I am an actor so nobody knows anything is wrong and I can hide it very well. After 30 minutes or an hour of socializing my energy is completely depleted now which was never the case in the past. I feel so numb and I think getting off this drug will be absolute hell for me. At least when I am on Zoloft I do not have extreme anxiety and suicidal thoughts, just apathy and anhedonia. I do not know if I am making the right decision by making these reductions.. Has anyone switched to another medication that helped? My doctor took me off Zoloft in the past which I was on for 8 years and weaned way too quickly. He had me switch to Luvox and it literally almost put me in a mental hospital. I went back on Zoloft and the sducidal ideation stopped, but the apathy and anhedonia is bad right now. I really cannot beat this and I am scared for my future. I have zero motivation, lost all my passions for everything I used to love. Has anyone had luck on something else? I am scared to come off of this drug again I cannot beat it anymore",Depression +26864,"I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, and this made it difficult for me to be in classes at school and prevented me from being able to get a job. For a couple years after school I somehow managed to get a small group of friends and started socialising more. This gave me the confidence to finally come out as transgender, however after this my ""friends"" became distant and we stopped speaking to each other. But even so, I was excited about transitioning and was able to begin looking for a job. I went to a few interviews and was able to easily talk to people even if they were complete strangers, something that was almost impossible before.However, before I could finally get a job, covid happened and the country went into lockdown. Being stuck at home all the time unable to make any more progress (and being a bit of a germaphobe) was very stressful for me and I began to regress. Since covid I have been unable to attend any more interviews, and even just leaving the house has become extremely difficult. For the first time in my life I am suicidal and scares me so much, I am afraid of how much ending my life will hurt my family.TLDR: I am sad :( I was getting better, until the pandemic",Suicidal +26865,"I hate to admit it & sounds strange to admit it even though I have anxiety thinking about death sometimes. Hearing about someone committing suicide, I get sad but then a lil jealous. Jealous like wishing I had the balls to just go through with it one day, wishing Id stop caring how it would affect my loved ones around me. I have been severely depressed for over 5 years now, nothing helps. I am a single parent too & that is my main reason why I am even still here besides the anxiety part. I love my daughter to death and would do absolutely anything for her like keep living through my absolute misery. I cannot be 100 percent honest with doc or therapist or feel like Id get her taken away and I have no one else to care for her really. I wake up every single day with complete dread inside me, I never feel good either, I feel like there is an elephant in the room constantly no matter where I am at. A dark cloud follows me everywhere. Empty, blue, numb, dreadful, miserable 24/7. I cannot enjoy a single thing at all, no joy felt whatsoever. I am exhausted constantly, I just want to sleep all the time to get away from life & myself. I do not do a single thing I use to like or find interest in. I cannot focus on anything. Also existential crisis thoughts all the time. I have isolated myself, do not like people anymore, everything is so pointless to me. I fantasize about suicide every single day. I hope that I keep finding the strength to go on for my daughters sake. God help me if I lose that only single strength eventually. I feel like one day whether a month or 2 years from now, Ill just give up, not care and proceed. Idk. Thanks for reading I get a lil jealous when I hear about someone committing suicide",Depression +26866,"As I write in r/depression. I state my life is fine. I know decent people and I have survived the indecent. I have learned a lot and my life is very decent for a 26 year old black man born in low class society. The worst thing in my life is probably masturbation and with that I am down to like 1 a days. I have goals and dreams. My family is decent enough. I have ladies in my life. I am actually Elevating, I can feel it. I have never gotten the girl I was after, everyone I have wanted I have failed at, so all my loves are circumstantial. I achieve in all but the loves I choose. In that I have still had women, I still achieve the casual sex, and I am about to be a millionaire and I doubt that will hurt my chances and I have even analyzed all my failure and it is made me better in my approach... so yea nothings wrong with me. Failure was never an option because I did not quit. I believe in God and I have beat the suicidal tendencies. there is nothing I dislike more in a game than a quitter. Why r/depression? I feel like life's been an interesting ordeal to say the least but fuck I feel like being a black man on this planet blows. If I had not joined the military in the past I would be fucked on a highway to nowhere right now and it is only getting worse on this planet. I was born 1995 before Gameboy got color and as we evolved through technology it feels to me that we have devolved as beings. Shit, I myself am piece of work and I work hard. It took a lot to be this decent, I literally dealt with years of darkness and still do, but I do not want to kill anyone, or destroy the world... I used to though. Honestly I think everyone is capable of anything if they put their mind to it but you must be willing to continue.Information is key, you have to be willing to grow. You must apply information to effort, no matter how fast or slow. The snail does not know where the fuck it is going and its not even capable of high speeds but that fuckers moving. Being poor, being stagnant, these are mindsets. Set your mind to something else. Knowing your situation is half the battle, the rest is faith baby. The odds of any of this existence bullshit do not exist, infinitesimal. Which means you are already beating the odds. Keep fucking fighting do not quit. This is for me as much as it is for whoever reads.I hope you equalstand... the better you are, the better I am, the better we can be to eachother, that is better people on the planet, making things a slightly better place. it is those who know the darkness that shine the brightest. Be brave. The time is always now. Do with that info what you will. I hope reddit does not remove this. I hope it touches someone. You are not alone in your suffering, there are others, there is hope, you are a good enough reason to continue. You are a great enough reason to be better. Blessings upon you from a stranger Hy(i)ding. There is nothing wrong with me",Depression +26867,"My depression is not actually a disorder. I am just a fundamentally fucked up horrible piece of trash that genuinely was not meant to accomplish anything. This is the universe's way of punishing me. I do not even have 'depression' I am just a weak sensitive pussy that was not meant to make it in this world.Everyone has given up on me because of how much I wallow in my own misery. it is like I do not want to get better. I want to stay exactly where I am and stay in this state because I do not deserve to get better. I bet everyone around me thinks I am a pathetic loser using the term ""depression"" as an excuse as to why I am such a failure. Everybody hates me and most people want nothing to do with me. And do not tell me I am overthinking and it is not the reality but it is true. I have always been a recluse growing up and was never able to connect with people emotionally. I had a small group of friends throughout my childhood but I never actually felt like I fit in with them. I got bullied throughout middle school, high school and even college which traumatized me when it comes to trusting people.I am a very weird creepy person. People have either suggested it or have said it right to my face. I have a weird voice, weird shaped body, a huge head, scrawny. Everyone can sense that there is something not right about me and stay away. I know I am done for emotionally when one or both of my parents passes away. They are the only people I can trust. I have two sisters that are around my age but even they know that I am an embarrassment of a brother that should not have been born.I have been seeing psychiatrists for three years and tried all kinds of medications but nothing has actually worked. I have a lot of turmoil building up inside of me and I am not able to get rid of it. One day I will not be able to handle it anymore and snap and do something really bad to either myself or someone else. I do not have depression I am just a failure. Someone please read this",Depression +26868,"I feel like everything I get recommended to me is making me more convinced suicides the only way out. God has a plan for you bullshit.The last two years of my home life involved losing a big brother figure, seeing my dad nearly get stabbed, watching my brother pass out under a noose, watching my mum get attacked by my brother,and describing similar shit nearly every second week whenever I had to call the police about it. I never really processed it, but now two years later its all coming down on me. Go to church, go for walks, smile more. I am so done with that shit man What is actually stopping me",Suicidal +26869,"I cannot do anything fucking right, all I do is disappoint... I try so hard to get better, but it feels worthless... I want to end everything in a slow and painful way, the only one I deserve. But I cannot leave my friends, family and most importantly my boyfriend. I cannot do that to them, but I cannot hold on anymore. I just want to sleep forever I am a failure",Depression +26870,"She does not know, or chooses not to acknowledge how hard I have been working and how difficult it is for me to do things when I am depressed. I have been trying my best but it is just not good enough for her. I am just devastated. I cannot get a boyfriend or do sports or exercise, really have any quality of life without this surgery and she knows this. I just feel, so empty now. I was looking forward to so much in life, and now it is going to take me so long to save up for it I just, I feel like I am not even at square one, I am so far behind now. My mom will not help me pay for a life changing surgery I have needed for half my life out of spite now because of how I am.",Depression +26871,"You got this, yeah its been tough but you are going to be a better person for it. Remember No calm sea ever produced a good sailor. Its not the entire book its just a chapter. Its not the whole show, its just an episode. Keep taking things day by day, if that feels like to much focus on just putting one foot ahead of the other. Every path, every journey, started with one singular step.I believe in you. We all do. For those who need to hear it",Depression +26872,"You can tell me whatever the fuck you want until you are blue in the face. Just do it. You got to start somewhere. Its not that bad I promise. do not care what people think. Just be confident. Fake it till you make it. Change your mindset. Think positive. Be grateful. Nothing does anything for me. If anything half of those things make me feel even more hopeless. I guess I just want to be this way and I am wasting peoples time pretending anyone can change that. I am a lazy, defeatist, loser piece of shit. Nothing helps",Depression +26873,I do not know but i started to enjoy that I am starting to like being deppresed,Suicidal +26874,25 y/o black Male NYC,Suicidal +26875,"Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 1,5 years. After that I felt terrible for few months. Then I got better and better. Thought I found happiness that I have been longing for five years to come. Was actually enjoying my life, had a lot of fun. Now it is getting worse again.I do not enjoy binging movies, playing games or skating anymore. I hate to see my friends. I do not have the energy to talk with them. I feel bad that they have not even contacted me yet. It might be a lil dramatic but one ""are you ok?"" would be enough. I lay in my bed or stay on my computer all day. I do not smile. I do not feel happy. I am not suicidal but I think about death a lot. I do not want to kill myself but I want to die, vanish away. I went rowing a boat with my friend a few weeks ago. I was looking at the water thinking about what it would feel like to drown. I do not see a bright future ahead. When I was younger I thought I would be dead by now. Surprise, I am still here and now I have no idea what to do. I have no bright future.What the fuck should I do? I am getting numb",Depression +26876,"I can only be happy depending on one factor. But knowing this site , some asshole is just going to bully me about it. I only made an account just now so i could say this. Fml",Suicidal +26877,took trazodone and klonopin. started getting scared as i felt dizzy and my legs were wobbly so i told my mom and we went to the hospital. ill never forget how scared she was and how uncomfortable getting my stomach pumped felt. i definitely feel guilty and regret it but it was a good thing (far from good but) so i know ill never do it again. i know what some of you are feeling right now but no matter how bad things get trying to take your life away is not worth it. wishing you all peace and recovery. tried to od yesterday,Suicidal +26878,I am so depressed because i have really bad friendsif i can call them that... Idk if its me that I am doing somethimg wrong or its them... I am going to high school in a month and ALL alone... Do people make most of friends in high school or sooner? Are people out like me? Help I am so depressed because i have really bad friendsif i can call them that...,Depression +26879,"I really just do not know, I feel selfish when I want to help someone and they do not want it, or when I look forward to things and they do not follow through, even when I do help people I feel selfish because its something I wanted to do for them and it makes me feel better about myself.I cannot figure out if I am just selfish when I get depressed that I cannot go put a smile on someone is face. I do not know how to even tell if I am just being annoying, selfish and bugging people for caring too much? Is it selfish when I get upset that people do not want to do anything when they are depressed, even tho I understand how they feel? I just hate myself so much when I cannot help, and then I hate myself when I can help because I feel like I do it to feel better. Am I selfish? I seriously cannot figure myself out",Depression +26880,"chat or Hotline is full in germany , i wabt someone to write all my friend sleep and i tryed everything else someone to write",Suicidal +26881,"Its been really hard due to the fact that i have been with her for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son which she does not let me see. I did not cheat on her or anything, i decided to end things because i was not happy with her no more, she would bring me down and i felt like i was not what she truly needed, I have tried many times to see my son and have a day with him but she keeps denying every request i ask. I am now alone and i miss my son so much Recently separated from wife and now i cannot see my son",Depression +26882,Hey everyone hope you are all okayI've been to many therapist over the years and I have realised its not working for me. I do not really get anything out of it that I do not already know and I just feel like I am paying someone to have idle chatter with. This has been the case for all my therapists.Is there something I can do? Maybe keep trying until I find one that actually feels worthwhile or should I maybe just stop all together?Thanks for reading Question about therapy,Suicidal +26883,"I really want to die. Everything is pointless. I honestly do not see the point in living. Like logically speaking, I am not enjoying my time here so why should I stay? Its frustrating, this has been a terrible week for me really. I have been isolating myself more than usual. I am always in my room, only leave to pee and grab food. I did not even do that this week. I starved myself for 4 days. I starve myself often bc I do not feel I deserve to eat and just want to waste away. I wish I could kill myself like this, but it takes forever. Anyways, that led me to thinking about these tylenol pills in my bedroom window. I have 14 and you are not supposed to take more than 10. I could easily take these right now and no one would notice. Nobodys knocked on my door in two days and when they do it is not to check up on me, just ask me to grab groceries or something. I guess the point of me posting is this: should I do it? Just put my headphones in, find a nice album, and overdose to death? Overdosing on Tylenol?",Suicidal +26884,"I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was 12. I have been on a dozen anti-depressants, with no luck. I have been on anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety, and I am currently on my 17th ketamine treatment.Nothing is stopping them. I think about killing myself nearly every second of everyday. I have been in an inpatient facility before, and that was terrifying and actual hell.I just feel so lonely. I have an amazing support system and a great husband, but sometimes it is not enough to make me want to stay I am just laying in my bed thinking that it would be so easy.",Suicidal +26885,"Telling yourself to soldier it out because it gets better only works for so long, but what about when things never (seem to) get better? Day after day, year after year, my life is changing, but I still feel the same; sad, lonely, insecure, and inadequate. In high school, I told myself Id grow out of these feelings, its just teenage angst.In college, I told myself Id grow out of these feelings, I am in my golden years, developing myself, and actually moving forward.Now that I have finished college and going into the working world, what am I supposed to tell myself: Ill grow out of these feelings when I get that job I want? When I get married? When I retire? All I want is to feel comfortable in my skin, to feel like I have actual friends, to be able to handle pressure, bad times and rejection, to not hate who I see in the mirror, to not feel ugly, and to not feel inadequate all the time. How do you stay positive when everything is always hard?",Depression +26886,"hey people,I really need to talk to someone about this because i really do not know myself anymore. Am i in deppresion?&#x200B;Here is the thing, i have been feeling like this for a few months now. i am an hisghschool student and this is my last year so i will be heading to university next year. And i am the ambitious type so I have been and will keep working real hard for getting accepted to a good university and it will consume a lot of my time but the truth is, if i do not have anything to i start thinking and it is not really fun for me because when i think, i just feel alone. I feel really alone. I have some frinds. You can even say i have a lot of friends. I have really close friend too that listen to me when i am sad of talking about a problem. The thing is tho it just does not work. I have not really talked to this in lenght to anyone but when i kind of open the coversation, i just feel that they just will not understand and stop talking. Change the topic. I feel that they just will not understand. They cannot. they are out there living their life, having fun, flirting or meeting new people and i feel like I am just the figurant in these stories. I do not feel like the protagonist of my own life anymore. I just feel like a figurant when i am with people and i just feel awfully alone when i am by myself. I used to like being to myself and listening to music. It just bores me anymore. I get bored when i am with people too. It just feels like everyone is living their lives to the fullest and i am watching on the sidelines. I feel alone. Really alone.I used to have a lover a few months back but i broke up with her. Not because something she did. I just could not see her that often anymore and i did not really love her anymore as well.She was my first and i was hers but after we did it for the first time, she told me that she did'nt want to do it for some time. That really hurt me. I know because she is a women she has a larger say in this but that was very hurtful and our relationship was not the same after that night. I broke up with her around one months later. I never regretted my decision to breakup with her but i have been feeling really alone since then. I do not really have suicidal thoughts of anything. I mean to be honest i sometimes think bout suicide but i do it just briefly and i do not take it seriously. it has been kind of happening on an increasing rate laltey though. still i do not do it that often i do not think that is problem for now.I like alcohol. not too much i am not an alcoholic. But i like how when i am drunk, my problems disappear. Its like i levae my problems for the future me. The problem is, I have not been enjoying alcohol lately as well. When i drink, i just get sad and listen to music in some corner now. isolate myself. i drink kind of alot lately as well. Not everyday of anthing but it has been increasing.I feel like i am not an important person for anyone except my family and they know only the side i show them and i know only the side they show me. I do not think people are genuine when they talk to me about their general feelings. I just do not trust people truly. I just think that they are screenig a play, a facade. You might say that i feel alone jst because i do not have a love interest but it is not like that. I am not a playboy or anything so i did not have a lover for most of my life. The relation i talked about was the longest it was two months. The problem is tho, i never really felt this way, this alone. I really did not feel like this before and it really discomfots me.When i do not have a task that i have to to, i just do not want to do anyrhing anymore. i do not want to sleep but i do not want stay awake too because i know the day doesn;t have anyrhing more to give me. I know my problem is as serious as most people that are truly in clinical depression but i need to know. what do i do how do i get on with my lonely life. I have hobbies i play the guitar, i really like history and videogames. Watchin moves too but i have not been enjoying them as much lately. I just do not feel like i have the time for 2 hour movies, I do not enjoy videogames anymore and they just bore me after 1 hour. I used to play the guitar for hours before once I have started, noe i just play 1-2 songs and quit. what is this feeling i feel like i cannot breath freely like there is a weight above me.I thought it was stress but now i am in summer holiday and nothing has changed. There was not that serious of a school because of covid anyways. is it loneliness? I presumed it was at first and I still think that some part of it is loneliness. but i am afraid that it goes deeper. &#x200B;Wht do i do now? am i in depression?",Depression +26887,"I have Crohn's localized entirely in the small intestine, and I am still waiting for the final procedure to confirm it so my diagnosis is official, and I can start getting treatment.I am so sick that not just my hands, but my arms shake, I am unable to work & I sleep an insane amount.Last ER trip was on a Thursday; I went to sleep that night, and aside from getting up to pee, I slept until Sunday morning at 1 am.I only have one family member who can help me out, because I am jobless, carless and so sick, and it is draining the hell out of them.This disease has been going on for years, and I also caught H Pylori, which sped up my health descent to the point where it was obvious to everyone else that something was wrong.I would lost numerous jobs in recent years because I would either be too sick to go in or I would get sick at work and have to leave.This lead my family and my (now ex) girlfriend to think I just did not like working or was lazy.The toll all of this has had on me mentally, plus some other things which would take too long to get into, is pretty devastating.My social life has also disappeared, and being 37, it is not likely to get better anytime soon.I am getting proper treatment and there is no interest in self harm, but I am extremely burned out, and there is not much to look forward to, because the pain I am constantly in is so debilitating, surgery is a realistic expectation, and would push me back even further.The only hobbies I have ever had are all physical, and I do not have any energy for exercise Shit is bad right now",Depression +26888,"Life is hard enough right now. The holidays make it much, much worse. Definitely feel much more isolated and depressed and suicidal today. Having to go to work tonight and hear about everyone is great holiday is not going to help. I want my life to be over with already. I have had enough. Holidays are the worst!!",Suicidal +26889,"29, still living at home, graduated with BS in biology in 2015 and working as a useless medical assistant and have no idea wtf to do. Not good enough for med school, too many little things about nursing I hate and could never do it, especially when it comes to stupid pain in the ass patients and their ever so lovely families. I have spent so much time trying to find what to do and I am ready to give up, I am never going to accomplish anything and Ill never leave this house, Ill still be here when my mom dies and then Ill die alone in this house until someone happens to notice months later because I also have no friends and have never had a bf and will never get married. I am just a waste of space and a failure Failure",Depression +26890,I cannot TAKE IT ANYMORE I am BEGGING YOU PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE PLEASE KILL ME,Suicidal +26891,"I have been contemplating suicide more and more every day for years, and specifically over the last few months those thoughts have been escalating to where its not a matter of if but when. My method in which I plan to go out death by gun. I have a 9mm pistol already. I went out into a field today and shot it just to test how it behaves. I pulled the trigger and a shot rang so loud it left my ears ringing for a minute. I could feel the raw power of the weapon which I held. It just donned on me the idea I am going to do this to myself? This is what it takes to die?. Apparently so. Its just so intimidating. I think about what people in my life will be like after I kill myself. Part of me is scourged by the fear of missing out. I wonder what my dad will think. We do not have a good relationship but I wish I knew what would be on his mind. All of this reminds me how fragile life is. I still very much want to kill myself, but the closer I get to committing and the more I think about it, the more I realize how much there is to think about. Life is crazy. Just needed to put this somewhere. Thanks for reading The thought of mortality gets weird and more intimidating the more I think about it",Suicidal +26892,"The one I care about the most has been depressed for so long I doubt they remember how truly being okay is. they are so strong. they have been torn apart, abused mentally and physically, traumatized and scarred for life, but somehow, they always try to have a smile on their face. they are the most amazing person I know, perfect in every way. So why do they have to suffer so much? Why does no one notice? Why does no one care?I used to understand how you could hurt so bad all you could think of was suicide. I remember fighting so hard against my thoughts to harm myself. But now, all of that pain is gone. I no longer feel things. I live in a constant state of anhedonia. I am numb, weak. I do not have a will anymore. I do not have goals or a future either. I am just going with the flow at this point. But them, they are always able to free me up from those chains that trapped my feelings and allow to me feel things. When I am with them, I am able to have emotions. I can feel happiness, I can feel sadness, I can feel love. I can feel everything.I have SAD and BPAD so maybe that is why I feel the way I do. I have considered talking to a doctor and getting medication for a while, but I do not think it would be worth it, to be honest. I probably would have to pay for them, I would feel even worse at first, I would have to tell my parents about it, and I am definitely not planning on letting them know anytime soon, plus, it would take so much effort to get a proper diagnosis and what not. I would rather do nothing and get better eventually.While I acknowledge my feelings are valid and my depression is real, I feel like those who have trauma behind their depressions are definitely in a worst place than me and that makes me question myself. They have actual traumas that have completely shattered their hearts. they are broken individuals needing help to glue their hearts back together. They are in pain constantly. Me on the other hand, it is like I have a stone heart, it is not broken, it is just made of a different material. I am rarely in pain, because I am always numb.I used to have traumas, but I taught myself how to deal with them, so I have never really been in pain for too long. Plus, they were not that bad to begin with. The things that impacted me the most were the lack of attention as a kid, the fact my parents argued constantly and I remember vividly grabbing a knife as a kid (5-8 years old, I do not remember when it happened exactly) and threatening them to kill myself if they got a divorce, because that is all they talked about and I was so scared and the bullying I went through as a kid, which to be fair is not that bad either, just being made fun off, having my feelings played with, being excluded and for a year, having my phone stolen for a few minutes and getting my privacy completely violated. I also realized recently I was sexually abused by a classmate, who sat on my lap once and grinded against me for a bit, at the time I did not really understand my feelings, I thought it was a little awkward but that I had enjoyed it, I guess, but looking back, I was uncomfortable and that caught me out of nowhere.All of the friends I have made either forgot about me or hate me. I do not even know why, to be honest. I guess I am a black sheep. Apparently I was wrong for distancing myself from someone who played with my feelings and hating them for it. Apparently I was wrong for distancing myself from a toxic friend group, or well, a toxic friend, rather, but I was not the one who did not check up on someone after a few months of not talking and knowing I have been depressed before. That same friend had the audacity to call me a disappointment and an awful person when I tried to make things up with them. Funny thing is, they used to be close friends, then kind of drifted away and ever since I have left them, they got back together again. it is so funny when one of them passes by me and tries to ignore my existence while giving me nasty looks and clearly wanting my attention because not only are they being hypocritical, but they look dumb as fuck.Either way, that is all I have for today. Goodnight. Thoughts",Depression +26893,"I spend all 16 years of my life in education, learning everything there is to know about adult life, and building friends and a whole personality and brain, just to end it all when my life is about it begin, real ironic.The suicidal thoughts do not ever stop, I wanted to kill myself 3 years ago, but I did not, because I was somewhat hopeful for the future. 3 years on, I wish I had killed myself 3 years ago. Why go on, if only to regret being a fucking wimp in 3 years. It really gets harder and harder every day to solicit staying alive, when everyday is pure and unfiltered pain, and all good things are tinted with constant mental screaming and pain. Everything means nothing anymore, people, places and objects completely void of any attachment or meaning. I feel like I am losing my ability to care about the things and the people that mean the most to me, and that thought terrifies me. Nothing is physically wrong in my life, but the suicidal thoughts, the lonlieness and the crippling social anxiety really never stop. The only way I can take control, and end the constant fucking agony is by ending it all.Sorry if I come across as a pretentious piece of shit with a perfect life, I have just got to yell into the void at some point My life was an ironic tragedy",Suicidal +26894,"I grew up with lots of people constantly trauma dumping on me and telling me they wanted to hurt themselves. I would have to try talk them down/console them and that was exhausting and terrifying. One time a guy made me believe he was about to do It only for me to wake my parents up at 3am to drive me to his and find him safe in his bed sleeping. Skip to now, I am in an awful headspace where due to many issues, I feel like I only have one option, but obviously I do not like that option.I just have no clue who to turn to when I feel like this. I panic that turning to friends will lead to them feeling the way I did before with others and even if I do not worry about that I just fear it is unhealthy and traumatising for everyone involved if/when a close friend comes to you and says ""I want to die"".So yeah. I am just desperate and want to talk to someone but panicking over who that should be. Sorry if this post should not be in this sub. Who should I be turning to right now??",Suicidal +26895,That is all. 1 more month.,Suicidal +26896,"I am 25 yr old male from Australia. I have only just started to confront my ingrained depression. My doctor has recommended a short run on Sertraline so I can be ready to receive help when he eventually sends me to counselling. Because at the moment I go and speak to him, and I do not believe any of the shit about going to feel better or whatever.My main question here, is that I am incredibly tentative about anti depressants. I asked him about side effects and he said there were not many except maybe some nausea in the first few days. I did my own research and found out about a while lot more. what is your experience? Does it sound like this is a shortcut being taken by the doctor? I just do not believe that a single drug would be designed to improve my mood and not come with the many side effects I have read about online.Thanks. Sertraline. Help.",Depression +26897,What Is the acronym or official name for technique for the takedown of psychiatric patients. My mother is a nurse trained in this but refuses to tell me. Take down technique,Suicidal +26898,"I posted here asking for help, because i had no one i felt comfortable to share with. People here helped me and stopped me from suicide. After i kept going, it was full of bad experiences. But after right medication i feel better. I found good friends who really understand me and I am working to get better. I am at way better place now. If i have not done that then, i might have never been improved and been at a place i could not hope for. Thank you so much. A thank you post for everyone supporting here",Suicidal +26899,"Any time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I want to vomit.""there is more to life than looks!""... Said by someone who does not look like a fucking Gargoyle. My life was over before it began.it is not even like it is the root of my depression, it is just the cherry on the shit sundae that is my life. Life is not worth living if you are ugly.",Suicidal +26900,"i have no energy any more to fight, i feel like i try everyday to get better but it does not helpand it comes back worse and harderlike i go deeper and deeperwhy i cannot be normal like the others tell me why i do not know why but i want to go but i want to",Depression +26901,"(I just realised I wrote more than I meant, sorry for that.. but thank you for being here anyways)Where do I begin.. I am technically currently a university student but I may not be for much longer, I have been at my university for 3 years (took a foundation year) and I have just failed year 1 again. it is been awful, my 1st year went fine (ish) but in my 2nd year I was depressed (still am) and it really messed up my studying and my social life. I got a 2nd chance to retake the year and the university made me take counselling with their councillor and I was on antidepressants but I failed again. Which leaves me where I am now. I currently do not know if I have been kicked out yet or if the university will give me a 3rd chance. In the last year I think I probably have gotten addicted to alcohol and a couple months ago a stopped taking my antidepressants without my doctor knowing. Now I have no idea what is going on or what I am doing, my parent has no idea about any of this. They think I will graduate next year. I know their views on mental health and its not worth trying to talk to them about it. I have lost my passion for anything I used to love and I have felt my emotions start to numb.I have not spoken to my doctor in a while because it always feels like I am being over-dramatic about what I am saying. A year ago I applied for a test to see if I was on the Autistic spectrum and it seems as if I am even though I still have not heard anything. But so often I have trouble sitting still and there a parts of my day or even whole days that pass me by and it seems as if I do not remember it or as if i was not thinking as those times past me by so I want to talk to my doctor about these things like ask if I have Anxiety or if I have ADHD but I do not want to be that person that just thinks every little thing is a disability.I have just realised I have written much more than I meant, I am so sorry for that. I will just leave it there. Its all gone bad",Depression +26902,"it never ends. this sucks. I realize how much of a burden I am.. I sabotage and ruin everything, ruin the mood, ruin lives, make everyone disappointed. the world would very obviously be so amazing if i had not existed to stink it up in the first place. My own brother hates me, the only one I actually love in this world. my parents hate me and so does everyone who has ever crossed sights with me. I live for air, animals, colors, and i guess water. those are the good things in the world. But why do I live now? my only purpose is to harm others and whine about how pathetic and stupid my life is. I live in a robot. I cannot control my body. If i were going to kill myself, I would have to have absolute will. why cannot i just do it? why cannot i try? my stupid body does not want to die. its already rotting. just die. all reasons to die 1/2 a reason to live and yet my body will not let me go.",Suicidal +26903,Long story short: my mom found out I cut myself and now I am going to the doctor and might get medsBut there is an issue. My mom thinks I only cut myself once. How am I going to explain that to the doctor while my mom's in the room? I cannot talk about my feelings either. I just cannot. Idk. Even going to the doctor to get help will have me lying and acting like I am good. I want to be fucking normal. I want to not have to sleep after I finish my work in class to avoid having a panic attack. I fucking hate this. it is like my emotions do not and do work at the same time. For example I feel like shit and want to cry all the time but even right now in bed at 0:33 in the morning I cannot cry. Nothing feels real. And all I have are 2 words for life: fuck this Going to see a doctor soon,Depression +26904,"My partner of just under 2 years broke up with me a month ago and started seeing a colleague from work the day we broke up. I invested so much into the relationship, constantly dealing with emotional abuse from her, constant suicide threats (she actually attempted it at one point and I managed to stop it), supported her with her counselling sessions, and generally tried my absolute best to make her happy. I did not realise how much my depression had creeped back up on my as I was too focused on trying to make her better. My grandad passed away a few months before the breakup, which exasperated everything, and I was reaching out for support from her that just was not there. After the breakup I have sunk to the lowest I have ever been in my entire life, I was hospitalised last week after coming close to the edge (quite literally) but the suicidal thoughts are still in the back of my mind. The point is, I know that the relationship was not healthy for me, but I cannot let go, its like she took half of me with her when she split, leaving a she will of what I used to be. I am trying so hard to keep it together for the sake of my family but I simply cannot let go of the longing for her back, which I know is crazy after everything she is done. Has anyone else suffered this bad after being left by someone like this? Suicidal after partner with Borderline Personality Disorder left me for someone else",Suicidal +26905,I am scared. I have no money. I am stuck in a bad situation. Just got bad email. No one to talk to. I am disassociating bad,Suicidal +26906,"I wish I could plug my thoughts like I can my ears.Every time I do anything, I make myself sick with worry. It always feels like I said or did something wrong. It feels like that right now.I am in therapy and my adoptive parents are very supportive. But I am going to be a scaredy cat for the rest of my life. And I do not want to live like that.13M Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.",Suicidal +26907,"I realize most of this is highly subjective to everyone, but I am sure at least one of these points will sound familiar. - You can no longer just walk into a video store and pick out something that looks cool. With sites like Ebay, or amazon, it takes away the social aspect. - You cannot have deeper, meaningful time with family, or friends, because everyone is always updating their life on social media and nobody cares about what is going on around them anymore. - To follow that, everyone lacks discipline and attention spans. - Malls used to be a cool, fun place to meet friends, but with corporate giants like Amazon...well, you see the issue. - People seem to have a very hard time staying on topic. Social media has created positive feedback loops that encourage one to spout opinions and tell stories instead of further the conversation. People now crave one-sided conversations because they need the validation of their life story being ""liked."" - Depression...itself. I feel like social media romanticizes, and makes fun of people with depression a bit. I can go on and on for another hour, but these ones stand out to me the most. The internet is a very useful tool, and not the actual issue. The problem is that social media takes away the connection we used to have to each other, and for me, I feel like if I had more connections with people outside of the internet, my life, as well as many other's, would be much better off. I think the reason I have depression, as well as many other people, is because society is ruined due to social media taking away real emotions from people.",Depression +26908,"Every time I see a high building, I think about it. Every time I see a sharp object, I think about it. Every time I see the street or the highway, I think about it. Every time I see guns in movies or cops, I think about it. Every night I try sleep and cry silently, I think about it. I think about it a lot",Suicidal +26909,"i just graduated from undergrad with two degrees that are not known for making bank. i feel like I have been pushing through all these years to graduate and having that path has been the only thing keeping me going. now that the future is uncertain, i feel completely lost. i have no direction or ambition because of my chronic depression, and now that there is not structured path of school, i feel completely uprooted and lost. i can feel my familys frustration with my lack of initiative or drive, but they do not understand that i feel powerless in the face of a future i do not even really want. graduation and the future",Depression +26910,"I do not even invest in myself, who could ever love me? I am not worth the investment",Suicidal +26911,"I am in a relationship where my girlfriend id severely depressed. In every depressive moments my mind goes blank. I used to be able to comfort her and support her. Now I cannot. I feel so hopeless and drained. She does not want to try counseling. I do not want to see her suffer. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like a caretaker more than boyfriend at this point. I cannot sleep before she sleeps as I am afraid she will disturb my sleep with a phone call. I try telling her to stop doing these things, but my tries at communication almost always backfires. I am beginning to feel like I need to watch out for her always. I do not have time for me, and when I do, I cannot do it with a clear conscience. I am afraid of each of her manic depressive episodes so much that I end up pushing her away or trying to ignore her. I do not know what to do anymore. I am scared for her and myself. I am stressed",Depression +26912,"I spend a lot of my life feeling small and insignificant. I do not have a good relationship with my mother, and I do not have a lot of friends.I got sick and I had to take sick leave from my job in March. My employer knew this and texted me to ask if I would be back after a the Easter break. I texted her back at the time to say no, I would not be able unfortunately. She did not reply, and when I got some doctors visits over I texted again to confirm I would be unfit for work through the rest of the teaching year (I am a primary school teacher). Left on read again.Well, pay day came recently and I got nothing. I emailed pay roll to ask and they told me the school has not submitted my sick leave paperwork since May. I am fairly sure the person I was substituting for came back. They did not even tell me. I emailed the school to enquire and, lo and behold I was ignored again .It broke me more than anything has in a while. I am just so disposable to everyone. I am finding it hard to cope with how insignificant and disposable I am to everyone. My employer is the straw that broke the camel's back.",Depression +26913,"if only i could of just had a nice painless death. or at least a quick one. nope, guess not. this is going to be a miserable way to die, is not it i am going to dehydrate myself to death",Suicidal +26914,We have been together since high school and recently thing have been really tough between us. He has suffered with depression for years but has never actively tried to get professional help for it no matter how much I encourage him. Lately we have been bickering and butting heads very frequently so we have decided to take some space apart whilst he works on himself. The partner he is to me at the moment I really do not like. I want someone who will show me love and affection and I feel like he does not have the mental energy to do that for me lately. He does not even seem remotely grateful that I have stuck by him and loved and supported him throughout. I asked him to give me some reassurance like at least be like I love you and I am working on things to be better for you but he said he does not feel that way so he does not want to lie. I do not know if this relationship is just pointless or if I should be patient and support him through this too but I am tired. I feel like he takes advantage of me being there and does not appreciate me but then am I asking for a lot for someone who is suffering from depression? My [F26] boyfriend [27M] asked for a break from our relationship to work on himself,Depression +26915,"I (33 old man now) lost my first love about 5 years ago. I loved everything about her except she was not really into sex. As happy as I was, that kept on nailing into me and my depression plummeted me when I was in forced training at my work to have to work 100+ hour weeks. I am the second generation of that, so I credit most of my mental illness to my busted up childhood as a result. So I transformed into a shitty person from all of the anxiety of potentially being absent for her, like I had done to me that she eventually got rid of me and never looked back. I was erased from her life with such ease.I entered another relationship about 2 1/2 years ago but I was not fully over my first and she had her mental issues as well. I finally lost her recently because I am so on autopilot and ""do not put in enough effort"".They were both gorgeous women and I will never get them, their caliber or my youth back again.. I am on online dating.... Again.. And there is nothing but overweight and heavily tattooed women that were nothing like my exes... The best part is, I do not get a fart of interest anymore. It was hard before, but there was still something.. But now I do not even get a glance by the dumpster selection... Knowing that my relationship and romantic life is behind me forever, I am having panic attacks and crying nightly. But in reality, should us depressed people even date? People do not give a fuck about us.. And more often than not, we will let them down... And then they will leave like they always do.. Even when we think we are fixed up, this shit just comes right back.. Because of my depression, I am boring, I am toxic, I am neurotic, I am needy, I am anxious, I am awkward, not well rounded in life... I always knew I needed someone to compliment me, but should we even be doing that when we are so broken? I guess I need to think harder about suicide. There not much bigger disappointment in life than being a man and not being able to attract anyone. Are we meant to date?",Depression +26916,"So, this is going to be a very long post. If you read this I would greatly appreciate it because I am at the point where I do not want to die... but I feel I should want to. Throughout my life I have made a ton of mistakes... mistakes that make me feel like I am going to be an even more terrible person than I already am. When I was young between the ages of I would say 10-14 I did multiple things wrong sexually. I had a dog lick me inappropriately, I had a neighbor who was a year younger expose themselves to me (this person was also not right mentally), and on multiple occasions something happened with someone who was 5 years younger than me. Also, I kissed my younger cousin and lied about it after saying it was ""just a butterfly kiss"" when she told someone. I never threatened or hurt anyone. And these acts were consensual. But I feel like I was too old to be doing these things, and I should have known better.I am stupid, I have no interest in what other people talk about, I want to care but it feels like I do not. I am undiagnosed but I believe I am slightly autistic and have OCD. On top of that I have social anxiety, depression and incredibly low self-esteem. I hate myself. I feel like whenever I talk to people or do anything for someone its to gain something, whether its sympathy or something else. Even writing this post I feel I should not, maybe I should just kill myself. I want people to tell me I am a good person and that I deserve to forgive myself or maybe these things are normal, but I do not think I can. Fast forward to recent times I became obsessed with a girl I met on a video game called world of Warcraft. I have pretty much lied to her this whole time and showed her what she wanted to see from me. A caring, loving, person. And for awhile I believed that is who I was but recently I have had terrible thoughts and all of these memories have resurfaced. She has had a lot of trauma, and I cannot tell if I am manipulating that or If I really care... my thoughts and past actions have completely made me question who I am. Sometimes I will impulsively lie for no reason in order to gain something like sympathy, or to make myself look better than I am, or to get out of doing something I do not want to do. An example is lying about having homework to do so I could get out of going to see family I get bored around. Or I lied to this girl I met about my grandma being in the hospital in order to gain her attention. I have an intense fear of abandonment, I believe the only reason I am not dead yet is because this girl is still around. Everyone else has gotten annoyed and left except for my family. I have constantly brought up relationships issues with my family about this girl and people think she has treated me poorly, but I think it is just me and If you see what I have done above... someone could treat be like dog shit and that is what I deserve. Although I still get upset with this girl over certain things, I try to take that anger out on myself because I feel like I am very controlling and insecure deep down. I do not want her to see that because she will leave. And I do not want to be that person.Given all of this information I recently moved to California with my aunt and her kids. Before I went there I smoked weed and had a moment with them where I felt like I had an incredibly powerful urge to kiss one of her kids. Yet, I still went to California because I wanted to live somewhere new and be closer to this girl I spoke of. Why did I brush that to the side? Am I a pedophile in denial? I cannot tell anything anymore. When I got to California more thoughts and violent thoughts started popping up, along with the memories above. The guilt at the time was so strong I would cry almost every night... But was it from regret or fear of being caught for who I am? I cannot tell. So I left to come home for help but I am still scared to tell the doctors everything out of fear of how they will view and I feel like I should be in prison for my thoughts and actions combined. Now, I feel like I do not even feel anything anymore... I do not know If I feel guilt. I feel numb. I feel like I am now okay with being evil.So, pretty much I feel like I am screwed. How can I be the person I wanted to be with all of this on me? I used to want to make music, or movies or some kind of art that would inspire people and give people an escape from reality. Because my whole life I have kind of lived in a fantasy world in my head or through video games etc., My mom, my family and this girl are the main things keeping me alive. I told my mom I planned before and she told me I would be dooming her to the same fate if I did it. But maybe If i say everything I have done she will realize it needs to be done. But it will kill her image of me, she always saw me as sweet, caring and empathetic. I used to cry about the rainforest being chopped down or animals going extinct when I was really young... wtf happened to me?I feel nothing. Talking about this is so casual to me now... I think tonight I will sneak out my window so I do not wake anyone, and hang myself with an extension cord deep in the woods. And maybe cut wrists to to make sure. I do not want to fail. I am sure I will regret it in my last moments but I think this is the best way. I wish I could just be another person, a caring person. a better person. Thank you for reading. Sending love for you all.Maybe I wrote this for sympathy idk I do not want to.. I think I have to (LONG POST)",Suicidal +26917,"the only thing that hurts worse than being alive is imagining the pain me dying would put a couple of people i care about through. i cannot imagine a future for myself anymore and i just want to disappear and have everyone forget me so i can die without any guilt. i cannot talk to anyone i know because they all care too much and will try to get me help, and i just want to waste away. the only reason i will not do it is because of my brother and my dog",Suicidal +26918,"well I am starting adhd medication, not exactly sure what specific brand, but it does not do shit, it makes me so tired and so. empty, yeah it did what it was supposed to do, but i did not know it would make me hate myself more than i already do. I am so tired and so miserable. help me. medication",Suicidal +26919,if i overdose on heroine you guys will going to miss me i hate my life overdose on heroine,Depression +26920,that is what I am feeling right now Do you just like to suddenly vanish and fade like the pain that is consuming you?,Depression +26921,"I had such a great fucking opportunity and I fucked it up because I am a cowardly dog who thinks too much and who gets stuck in their own mind. Its fucking pathetic. I have so much potential and I am throwing it the fuck away. Now I am on a downward spiral where I am questioning everything in my life my values, my purpose, etc. I really wish I was not born into a world where if I make one mistake, I am fucked forever. I am going to try to stick around but I am not sure if Ill have the same opportunities again. Peace.PS I am only 20 years old. I am such a fucking cowardly dog",Depression +26922,"I think I have an eating disorder, and here is why.I think it started at the end of my final year of secondary school. I lived fad away from my school and there was no buses in my area so every morning and every evening I would walk 5 miles every day, which is a lot of cardio to be doing 5 times a week. I would also not eat in the day. I would skip breakfast because I would be exhausted and would not wake up early enough to make breakfast (during this time I was late to school a lot) and then I would skip lunch and I would have a small ""healthy snack"" for morning break like an apple or a packet of sunbites. Then I would go home and not have anything to eat until dinner, and I would not finish my dinner. (I would also force myself to drink a lot of water throughout the day)Now I have left school I am on this journey to ""glow up"" or ""get healthy"" but I just feel like I am making myself sicker. I have certain foods I have stayed away from for OVER A YEAR (so now I feel like this eating disorder has been here for longer than 3 months...) I cannot eat flavoured yoghurt because my brain says ""that has pure sugar in it"" I cannot drink cordeal like Vimto because my brain says ""that has pure sugar in it"" bro even orange juice, but I can compensate with my rain with orange juice because my brains says ""even though orange juice is PURE SUGAR...it has vitamins so you can drink it :)"" eating white bread makes me have this insatiable feeling of guilt but I eat white bread because its what my family eat and I do not want them to be suspicious. My brain says ""white bread will kill you early"" also, I do not eat cereal (except bran) because I believe that has too much sugar in it. I do not eat processed meat anymore like ham because it makes me feel guilty or when I DO have it because I do not want to make my family suspicious i feel that insatiable feeling of guilt again. EVEN WHOLE MILK MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY. I also hate when my parents buy junk food because I have to eat that...it takes over my life, and everyday I obsess over what I will eat and if it will be ""healthy enough"". Every one of my meals has to have a vegetable or fruit on it and I have to drink a lot of water STRICTLY JUST WATER EVERYDAY or I get anxiety. Its controlling my life...what do I do? I am sixteen years old if anyone wants to know. I think I have an eating disorder",Depression +26923,"after suffering from worsening anxiety and depression for the last 7 years, i finally tried to properly open up to my mother about my suffering and hardship and you know what she replied?""just take a walk""before proceeding to looking at her phone, which might aswell be glued to her hands at this point and completely ignoring what i just said. i felt my heart sinking into my chest as i realised, even the closest people to you, can be so distant and cold. i feel extra shitty right now. be careful who you talk to about your depression guys. ""just take a walk""",Depression +26924,"Everything I touch, burns to pieces. I have all of these unachievable dreams, all of this optimism. But I never get it right. Everyone that comes in my life, ends up abandoning me. I am alone again. Like I always am. Just when I thought things would be different, they are not. I try to run away from the edge, but everyday keeps pushing me closer and closer.And I am tired. I am tired of trying. I have done the therapies, they are too expensive to keep up with. I have done the self care, the meditations, the trying again and fucking again. I have stayed around for my family. But its hurting so much to be here.And this is where I am at. Floating. Waiting to go. Waiting to end it. Why do I fuck up everything",Depression +26925,"I am just so fucking lonely, all my friends are busy, my best friend found a new group of friends and now barely talk to me and said that I am no more important to him then the people he mt a couple of days ago, I am in love with a guy who who does not want me but keeps flirtobg with me and leadibg md on but i cannot stop lovibg him, my home life fucking sucks and i cannot stop crying for no fucking reason these meds are not doing shit and I am so tired of trying i just do not know tbh",Suicidal +26926,"i know i posted yesterday that i planned to commit today, and i thought id get past it, maybe posting here would help. i went and asked my mom one last time to listen to me, to help me, but she did not. she did not hear me. i cannot do this anymore. I am going to try. I am scared. terrified. i do not want to die. but i cannot take this pain any longer. i think i might actually do it today.",Suicidal +26927,"I am going through a lot right now and if I had an easy way to commit suicide like a gun, I would have blown my brains out today. I just do not know how to do it and that is scaring me because I have never gotten to the point I am now where I really do not want to live anymore. I really need a friend",Suicidal +26928,"I feel nothing in my soul right now. To be honest, I feel that I will die eventually because of a mental stroke and I would not be able to stop myself.I do not have so much friends around that can help me. To be more simple, they does not know about my mental state/and emotions. Some time I had encourage to live because of my girlfriend. She was the only one person to know what is what and she tried to help me. Yes, she was the only person who could change me and make me forget all my problems from the past, in fact she did so.But everything's changed. We simply started to argue few times in a month because either she or me disagreed on something which made both of us mad at each other. There was the last arguing when I said: \- Either we do something with our relationship, or we break up. I cannot stand this and etc.She decided to change. We started to chat as usually, we had frequent video chats, we sent memes to each other and everything seemed to go fine. But one day, she wrote:\- Do you remember when you said either we change something in our relationship or we break up? I am picking to break up. Sorry, I did not want to hurt you.After this message I got blocked and everything that was bright and beautiful turned dark and horrible. I started to drink alcohol more frequently. My mood is always sad, I only have negative thoughts and emotions. I do not feel alive and the only thing I want now is to bring her back or die. Feeling suicidal and feeling dark.",Depression +26929,"Good evening all. 2 Mondays ago I went to the ER for a kidney stone. Went on to work afterwards and everything was ok. That next morning my side was hurting from it so I took one of the Percocets they prescribed me, took off work, and went back to bed. My daughter sleeps with my wife and I and she sbuggked up with me (she is 2 1/2 years old) and I had a dream that I hurt her somehow. When I woke up the first thing I thought was oh my god, I could never do that. Since then, I have been incredibly disconnected from life. I stopped taking them officially this last Sunday so they have been out of my system for about a week. But, the depression is still here and I have never experienced it before in my life. I feel weird around my wife and daughter. I have thought about just driving my car into a tree as fast as I can to make it all go away. I feel like I do not love anyone anymore and nothing seems to bring me enjoyment. All I sit and think about is when is this all going to go away? And days JUST DRAG ON now. I am barely eating and barely sleeping. I mentioned the Percocets because I have been told this is classic Percocet deoendabxy withdrawal and just how easy it is to become addicted to them with a regular week dosage from the Dr. But, I cannot seem to move past this. I have managed to keep the dark thoughts out but my enjoyment is gone. I laugh at jokes sure. But.... I am absolutely lost. it is as if I look at my wife and daughter and wonder who they are. I feel like the need to protect my little one is suddenly gone. I know I love them both but that exciting feeling is just gone. Vanished. Overnight. And it did not start until I started taking the pills. I only took 13 out of the 15 and I destroyed the other 2. Someone please tell me this is going to get better. Please tell me that ill never lose my love for my daughter. I cannot keep living like this. Seeking help... New member",Depression +26930,"Hello all,A little back story, I never been formerly diagnosed with depression. But the feeling has been going on for over 10 years. I would have months where I would like to stay home do nothing and just be in my room. Then I would have the burst of motivation to go do something then I would get the down time again. I always thought of ways of how I feel nothing. People would always ask about how I felt and I just feel nothing. I have my days where sometimes I lay in bed and just cry over what I feel like is nothing but always tell myself that I need to get my day going. I feel like I have no because in life. I always get the grunt of everything when it comes to my sibling and being the only sibling that can speak my parents language so naturally it falls onto my shoulders. I wake up to go work and home and that is it. Works been the only thing to get me out of the house and mind off it. I have always told myself I am not depressed or deserve ( I do not know how else to put it) to feel this way because I feel like its just normal everyday problems I am feeling. I have always been able to get myself out of the feeling but This time around, it has gotten pretty bad. I have thought of death a lot more recently. How I would die and how and what I could do to because it. At one point, I even got happy when I came to peace with death and was going to try it. that is when I realized I needed to get help. Besides therapy is there any coping strategies that you guys can offer? I was thinking of getting on the meds but need to get a referral from my GP. Getting the help",Depression +26931,"I will literally come home from a nice sunny day outside with my friend and be sad all over again. My other friend to me my room is depressing (small dark cube room, always messy and even when its tidy it is very cluttered) and I never noticed how much it might be affecting my mood til she pointed it out. I just cannot wait to move out. Maybe that will help Coming home is depressing",Depression +26932,"I fled the scene, and then confessed in the morning, I am going to have a court date. I cannot afford the fines and living alone rent etc, I may even face jail time. If I lose my apartment or lose my job because of jail time I am thinking of just slitting my wrists until I bleed out. Its so hard to get any type of weapon I need to make it easier if you know what I mean. I know some may say its stupid thing to kill yourself over but I am already fucked up mentally and this is the topping on the cake. Have to go to court for car accident thinking of just killing myself",Suicidal +26933,"I was planning to kill myself today. I cut on my wrist, but it was not deep enough. I then had a panic attack after realizing what I was doing. I went on with my day like normal. I am thinking of telling my family tonight even though it will most likely break them. I am off from work tomorrow so I wanted to know where I could ask them to take me. A psychologist? ER? I am not really sure what I am supposed to do in this situation. All i know is if I do not get help soon, Ill more than likely reattempt and be thorough with it the next time. where do i go for help?",Suicidal +26934,"My mam has marks on her arm which she says are burn marks she got while she was making food and burned herself on the oven,Recently I have not been doing too good mentally and was looking up self harm scars (Ill probably post something about that some other time) and I found a few photos that looked exactly like what she has, not sure if I should mention it. Any advice, please? Need some help please",Suicidal +26935,"Hello. Painful psychic anesthesia is my diagnosis. feeling of insensibility, or painful (sorrowful) insensibility. And I noticed one strange detail. Nobody in America knows about this phenomenon. All people know what depression is, but there is not a single forum or article about mental anesthesia. Has anyone heard something about mental anesthesia? Maybe you know a forum or site where this phenomenon is described? Painful mental anesthesia",Depression +26936,"Reaching out for help because therapy here where i live decided to cut me off the program after 3 months in therapy because they decided my problems were not big enough. This was over a year ago now. I Have struggled with minor depression and anxiety for years now, but for the past 2-3 years its been getting worse, especially this last year with covid-19. I am 22 years old, and I got a certificate of apprenticeship/degree as an electrician when covid was at its worst, but because of covid i lost my job. I never liked my job so I have tried switching jobs, but because of my mental health getting worse and worse I have also lost all interest in work.. i have a new job in August, but i do not feel motivated or see the point of it. 7 months ago i started binge drinking 2-4 times every month to feel something. Drunken fun while playing videogames, sad, happy or any emotion at all. Its become a bad habit now and i drink way to much. Actually to the point where i worry about my liver being damaged.. a part of me is scared of that, but a part of me also feel like if i happen to get sick from liver disease, or die.. that is just what happens.. Also my dad used to be an drug addict (not anymore) so i worry it might be genetic aswell. I am at a point now where i do not want to live anymore, but i do not want to die. So suicide is out of the question. I do not want more therapy either because it did not help me last time. Depression, anxiety, alcohol, loss of will to live.",Depression +26937,"I know nothing. Its not a lie or a trick. I simply do not know shit. But you might be wondering how I can write words if I do not know anything. Well, I never said I never learned anything or figured anything out; I just said I do not know anything. I do not know for sure these words are real. I do not know for sure what I am saying with them. I simply do not know.Its possible reality does not even exist, and neither do I, something I consider a comforting thought. If reality is fake, all my supposed knowledge is just based on non-existent, simulated data. So I do not know, I just do not.The fact is, if I knew anything, I would not be poor. Boom! There it is. If I knew anything, I would not be depressed. If I knew anything, I might have a girlfriend or a job or a house. Instead, I do not have any of those things. I am what anyone who randomly saw me would consider a loser.If you did not know what I could do, you would think Id never worked hard in my life. You might even think I did not have a single skill. But that is okay. I have learned it does not matter how others see you. If someone looks at you and sees a failure, you just look right back at them and agree with their assessment. Its okay that they think of you that way because they do not know anything, either.Its a freeing sentiment, to be sure. It makes all the stress go away. It makes all the naysayers null and void. It makes everything that has ever inspired you to want to kill yourself just float away into the ether.Its quite the serene feeling if I do say so myself. The moment you realize you know nothing is lovely and even therapeutic. But that comes as little consolation to the weary. Then again, though, life has few condolences to offer. A person can work their entire life and never get good (in the eyes of others) at anything. Due to nothing being certain, its entirely possible that no one will ever love you.Cheered up yet?Anyway, in my opinion, a person needs to be okay with all of this in order to live without eventually killing themselves. I feel, in a way, that to die with dignity should be the goal of every person. Suicide is a decidedly undignified way to go out. Even a nobody should want to have a dignified end, if for nothing else, because of the principle of the thing. If you kill yourself, you will only prove all the people who ever thought you were a loser correct.Overly sentimental nonsense. Its the exact kind of thing suicidal people hate to hear. But maybe its true. I do not knowI do not know anything. However, I believe that the better thing would be to hang around until you get used to life. Then, when they laugh at you, just laugh right along with them. Those other people are only laughing because they are scared of what you representthe fact that things do not work out for all of us.So, when the assholes make fun of your poverty, do a fucking dance and let them know you are the soiled fool they think you are. Then there will be nothing for them to hurt you with, no amount of putting you down to prop themselves up that will ever suffice. You will have denied them the pleasure of your pain.But all those people out there in the big wide world who want to win by keeping others down will ultimately lose. Take comfort in that. Those peoples lives will eventually meet an empty, meaningless end. So, in this regard, its far better to live as an intellectual, far better to read and write and learn and ponder the great mysteries. Do this, and you will be capable of doing more with a single moment of thought than they will ever be able to do in a lifetime of thinking as hard as they possibly can.Perhaps, in the end, its the smartest among us who wind up on the street to die in poverty. All those people who will succeed in life are the ones who get into the professional world via personal connections and calling in old favorsthat sort of thing. After all, Hollywood employs professionals. Just look how that is turned out. Its just how it is. The corporations have made it this way. They have all these preconceived notions of excellence that they impose on society through marketing and other pressures. Those who buy into these notions will be successful, and those who question them will be destroyed. Heresy, it would seem, is as much a crime against corporations as it ever was against the religions. Were simply not permitted to be independent thinkers in a society, and we never were.there is always been some group that insists they are right about everything. The Earth is apparently the center of the universe, and negative memory engrams are apparently the because of our problems. But that is just how society operates. You can ask Jane Austin or Galileo or Van Gogh about that.Were simply not allowed to be anything other than what the ones in charge want us to think we are. They are the ones who make the rules. This is their world, and the rest of us are merely permitted to live in itfor a time.Most people will not be able to understand what I am talking about here, and I get it. I am used to that kind of thing. Its been the story of my life since I was a child. I have been working since I was five at one art form or another. Consequently, I have become quite the abstract thinker, and I do not imagine that my perspective is very accessible to others.Not exactly a marketable personality, am I? I guess that means I am fucked. Oh well.I do not even know if this means anything at all. I assume it does not. Its just a bunch of words on a page. I write thousands a day, and this is just a thousand more.You got to just keep living your life. If you think it matters, if you think you know anything at all, you are only going to be surprised when you discover you are dead wrong. ""UNINCORPORATED""",Depression +26938,"I absolutely hate myself. I have disappointed all friends and family, including myself.it is been two months now since my first and only attempt. I got back on my feet and life has being going OK... Until now. I simply do not want to live. it is boring, uninteresting and stupid. I did not ask for life. Shit piss cum fuck this world.. I need rest and relief. Please just let me step back, let go and leave for good.. I deserve to",Suicidal +26939,"I am looking for an application or idk to sign up somewhere (psych wards are not included) to be reminded that it does not have to end like this or perhaps to have someone check in with me every now and then and maybe remind me how much damage it will because - because at times I do manage my suicide ideation, and other times its literally impossible for me to think about anything or anyone else just SUICIDE. I want to do it, but I do not really want to do it. I am sure a lot of you can relate. I just need some help and I do not think its a good idea to reach out to a friend or a family member; I am worried they will either panic or think I am just trying to pathetically seek attention. Both scenarios are equally bad! Are there any kind of Suicide Watch applications/services?",Suicidal +26940,"So on June 20 I do the phone intake for the therapist. I thought it was going to be an actual session, but whatever. Then the intake person says give it a week for us to call you and make an appointment. Again, more waiting. Its the fourth of July and still no call. I wrote to their website to complain. I needed this service in May when I first called. I should have called sooner but my job was keeping me from doing that. Still no therapist",Depression +26941,Since about Friday my anxiety and depression has been so bad it is surpassing my meds... I have never wanted to kill myself more than I have both Friday and today. Life has never been more confusing to me and I am tired of it but I never will end it because at the end of the day I care more about others than I do myself and I do not want to put my elderly mother and few friends and family I have through the pain of it. But I am afraid one day I will get to the point where I do not care about that anymore either.I do not know what to do. I am on the struggle bus right now.,Suicidal +26942,"Long story short I have always overslept , no matter when I get to bed . Most of the time its because my half awake brain stops the alarm and its game over from there . Even when I wake up from the alarm , I can be 5 minutes late from sitting in bed too long . I do not what else I can change , even if I had a later start time I think the same thing would happen . Bc I can literally sleep for 20 hrs . I have had understanding managers and coworkers in the past , but it always comes to the point where their understanding can only go so far . Looking for any help to stop this pattern , or to help managers understand I am not irresponsible...just depressed Thank you Chronic oversleeping due to depression leaves me consistently (inconsistent) and late to work . Advice ? Help me advocate for myself ? Is it wild to think accommodations could be made?",Depression +26943,"$200 is all I have left and I give upI failed at everything I have tried . I have been unemployed for longer than I would like to admit and in the meantime I tried to learn different ways to make a living independently and failed at everything while living in a piece of shit of house with a trash ""family"" and battling with my mental problems and do not tell me that it gets better because that is bsit's only gotten worse through the yearI give up I tried to be a good person but I give up I have only hurt people and I am not more than a burdenmy depression got out of control, these people are worse every day and I run out of options to try make a living ofso once these 200 bucks disappear I will be gone for goodif there is still a tiny light of hope in you I wish you good luck and hope you make it through lifeas for me I will not be missed so it is not a difficult choice I have decided I do not want this life anymore that is it, I am fed up with all this shit",Suicidal +26944,For all of us neglected and alone today try to stay off Facebook to look at your supposed ex friends or exes posts I just found out my exes daughter is friends now with his new loves hairdresser who introduced him to her before our divorce. why would she be friends with her? Her own marriage is failing and I hope it does so she can see what it feels like Seems like everybodys having a big old circle jerk as I sit in my room all by myself in the dark 4th,Depression +26945,It ruins my day when i wake up lol Each morning i wake up is dissapointment,Depression +26946,"I hate this word, i hate how lonly i am and how boring everithing his, i hate this summer and how hard it his to know new people, everitime my parents complain about me withouth listening to me, just complaining i want to blow my head with a shotgun, i cannot stand them anymore, i hate how complicated it is my relationship with the only person thath dosent make me fell lonly, i started to not love even her anymore just because I am afraid thath she dosent love or care about me anymore, i hate my future, i do not want to work in a factory for all my life after my graduatiion,i hate how i will never find people tath i can fell close with, i hate how much i do not feel love for my family to the point thath i fell guilty, i hate how much my parents do not care how i fell, they just gave up on me, i also hate how every one i know disapointed me in some way and thath i really cannot trust nobody, even my family, i hate how detached i feel from my family, i hate how i cannot talk to most of my family beacause of how annoying it is talking to them, its impossible to have a conversation especialy if i talk about my problems I want to go to therapy but guess what, iv been there and therapy sucks, I am too scared of not being understood like arleady happend, i hate how i stopped wanting to improve my life, I am just a zombi doing the same shit everyday Every day is getting harder, and I am becoming more depressed, probably also because the lack of school, i also noticed thath for whatever reason, happy event make me depressed, like the day thath i gratuated i was so happy like i was not in years, maybe it was the compliment of the teachers or how unxpectedly well it went, but i just felt so happy, but then for whatever reason i started to feel very depressed, maybe its because in my shittty family nobody wanted to listen how happy i was because, we just do not talk about how we feelSomtimes i wonder i did not chose this, what forces me to stay and its nothing, i am tinking in way thath i can kill myself and even if there are some i do not know if I am really going to do it, i really hate this word, I am tired of doing everithing alone, i wish there was somone to listen I want to kill myself tomorrow fuck it",Suicidal +26947,"Once you get disillusioned about life. you are not longer able to believe in having relationship, that is not based on some superficial. Once happy hormones disappear and you are not longer young and pretty, or you no longer enjoy the hobby that you both shared, problems start brewing. Family for me is an empty word. Most of my jobs sucked big time. I no longer believe in love. You have to fight with everyone and pretend to be someone else. At work you need to professional when all you want to do is scream and leave that place immediately. While socializng you need to be bubbly and talkative, even tho you are fucking introvert and prefer to listen. While driving you need to avoid bullies, that have no regards for others. I am tired. Life is dull",Depression +26948,I have been in a rea''y long period where my self esteem was at its lowest and I thought that I was cured eventually but now I know that in the deepest of my soul I hate myself. I always putting so much pressure on me for tiny things that do not matter and it become so stressful I cannot handle it no more. I spend nights thinking about myself with regrets about things that I have done or just self hatred. I have so much difficulties to express my issues so I am doing it here and I only want to be happy and to be able to talk to someone and to be reassured. I hate myself,Depression +26949,I am looking for the most painless way to die. No I do not have any reasons to live so do not even bother. I am not looking to convert to Christianity either so do not bother as I am very happy with my current spiritual path. What are the best drugs to OD on?,Suicidal +26950,"I have wanted to do ""it"" multiple times already and I have actually tried it once.I feel like a worthless piece of crap.I have a summer break but not doing anything feels.. wrong.I also cannot sleep well. Its currently midnight as I am typing this..I feel like there is no goal in life, nothing to do.Nothing feels fun anymore.And I know I am wasting my time.So yeah, I am depressed pretty much with a mix of existential dread and grief, as I am still mourning a personal loss.Any tips how to be happy?How can I feel genuinely happy instead of distracting myself from the sad reality?Thanks in general, and I am really sorry if you are also struggling with any of these. I am feeling kind of empty inside..",Suicidal +26951,"TW !!Ed, mental illness, assault, csa, and self harmFor context I am 18(f) and there is two other people in this story who wil be V(f) and C( m). I have been in a relationship with C for almost two years, and we have broken up but got together a few months ago. C is also in a relationship with V and I are in a talking stage/ the start of a relationship. (Were poly if you want a shorter explanation) I have dealt with undiagnosed mental illness for years, such as an eating disorder and possible bpd/ ptsd/ depression. I am only diagnosed with autism, and it makes it hard for me to read social cues, which will be important later. I was also sexually abused at a young age, which I have only ever told C about, and C is very understanding bc he experienced similar issues. During high school a lot of rumors were spread about me from an ex boyfriend my freshman year which led me to be sexually harassed by many guys, and a lot of the time physically, and this absolutely destroyed my mental state. I fell deep into an eating disorder, convinced it my body did not look feminine and instead looked malnourished, all the sexual male attention would go away and I would be safe. V, also experienced some issues but I do not know too much about it, like anxiety and depression and she is said she might be autistic but I am not sure because were not too close. My point in sharing that is that people of the things we have experienced we always make sure to ask for consent and ask constantly. Recently, V asked us to do something that implied asking for consent more, and of course we said yes. We have sleepovers at Cs house and V recently moved in with him. We tend to be semi intimate but were always good about checking in on each otherOne time I was over there and was next to V. C got up to use the bathroom but a little before that he asked if she wanted to cuddle and she said maybe later. When C left I did cuddle with her, and asked after already I started to, not realizing that I should have asked before I started. A few days later C called me and explained the situation and only then I realized my mistake, and since then I have apologized to both of them, and talked to V offering ways I could be better, but she has not responded to my texts. I hate everything about the whole situation, I am crushed by the fact that I unintentionally hurt her by a careless mistake. Since then I have barely eating for the first time since I started recovering from my eating disorder and would have started self harming if I had access to blades, but now I just want to die again for the first time in months. I know. Only one way I could do it and it would be extremely painful but that is what I deserve. I am fucking horrified that I have done something too similar to the people who have sexually abused/ assaulted me and if I did something like that truly unintentionally, which it was unintentional , I do not need to live anymore and hurt the people I love. Worst mistake of my life and I only have one way out",Suicidal +26952,"And none of this people will be sad nonsense. Yeah, maybe. But quite frankly I do not really care. I am dissociated all the time, so none of them seem real to me anyway. All I feel is pain: my pain, their pain, the whole goddamn world's fucking pain. I cannot feel anything good. The only things keeping me going are human survival instinct/the vague knowledge it is not what you are supposed to do, and the fear of permanent brain damage or disability. I am already sick, I do not want to be more sick. And I do not want to be more trapped. My biggest fear is being trapped; that is why I want to do this. Is there any legitimate reason I should not kill myself?",Suicidal +26953,I gambled almoat whole salary again when i was down for the first time after receiving. I always had gambling problem. I feel SO resentful towards myself I gamble when I am down or even bored,Depression +26954,"My ex-fiance and I just separated after being together for 10 years and engaged for 2.5 years.I have so much support from her family and my family. I have my job at one of the biggest companies in the world, my own place, my friends, and my own accomplishments.Yet nothing feels genuine and happy to me happy, and the world seems so grey.It weighs down on me like the heaviest and hottest lead blanket in the world.On top of that, diagnosed depression makes it that much worse, and I feel like I lost who I am.Words of encouragement are nice and what I need. I read the rules of the subreddit, but I need a friend to relate with. I am in CBT therapy right now, and it is so hard to relate with a therapist. 31M: I have had depression in the past, but nowhere near to what I am feeling right now.",Depression +26955,"I am just writing to document my situation before I hopefully gain the strength to do it, I do not want to go out blind I think.I have felt pretty numb these past few months, on top of that the loneliness and work is not helping much either. I am hoping to take a couple of pain killers with alcohol, then tie the classic knot to a bridge. Honestly not much to say than that fellas, Stay safe,-A Hoping to do it today or Friday",Suicidal +26956,i want ti go to online school and not interect with Anyone why am i forced to be part of a society where i do not belong and which no one wants me in?,Suicidal +26957,My parents got divorced when I was 5 ( I am 16 now) and they kept telling me terrible things about each other ( they still do) I used to visit my dad once a week and I do not really have much memory with him. All I remember is him telling me about my mom and such a monster she is the whole they ( same as my mom) and all those times I was wondering which parent should I trust( Btw sorry for my English I am not sure if I am using the right Grammer) Three years ago he got his first child from his new wife and he stopped seeing me ( we still see each other But it is like twice a month or less) I feel like I never had a good time with him and I do not really feel close to him as I should feel to my father I really want to fix this and get to know him better I kind of feel jealous to my half- siblings What should I do to get closer to my parents? How should I get closer to my parents?,Depression +26958,"List of shit that has happened to me in the past years that have made it an almost unbearable present: \- Parents are in a horrible relationship and have been for their entire marriage but do not have the finances for a divorce. My father has always been verbally and psychologically abusive towards my mum but we were too young and naive to see it. Recently it got to a point of physical violence. Police were called and they took my mum to a shelter but she came back. We would be broke if they divorced as our only source of income is a store which we would have to sell if they did divorce. \- My mother is most definitely depressed maybe due to the afformentioned reasons but I really do not know. I am 17 and yet have the burden of her mental well being because my father could not give two shits and my older brother avoids all talk of emotion at all costs, hence I have to make sure she is okay all the time and be there for her on her bad days. I do not mind this cus I love my mum but I have been getting frusterated recently, causing me to snap at her and feel guilt afterwards. i cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. \- In addition to all that going on at home, I only really have one friend cus my secondary school friends and I grew apart. I have accquaintances but am scared people I will get to know will think I am pathetic for not really knowing anyone even though its a small town and everybody has their group of friends.\- I just spent the past couple months doing these really important exams that are the entry into medical school but I feel like i completely fucked them up. In order to repeat them I would have to wait until next year. Hence I wasted the entire past academic year. Being a doctor has been my dream since I was a kid and I am seeing it slowly slip away from me. School gives me ridiculous amounts of anxiety and panic attacks cus its the only thing i have left and the only thing that proves I am worthy of something. \- I feel like I cannot talk about any of this with anyone. While my bestfriend tells me how much fun she is having doing one teenager thing or another, I am happy for her but cannot help but see how pathetic my life is in comparison. The only thing keeping me going is hope that things will be better but everything only seems to be getting worse. Everytime i think I have hit my lowest point and I cannot take it anymore, something worse happens and my circumstances get worse once more. I am wasting my teenage years away in anxiety, fear.I do not know what the point of all of this was but I would really really like someone to tell me that things will get better and that there is a chance I can heal from this and find peace in the future. Just kind of fo want someone is outlook, only 17 and have had enough",Depression +26959,"When I was younger I remember being so happy and curious about the world. I literally asked my parents hundreds of questions because I loved finding out about the world. When I got to my young teens I was still as curious, but I started to realise how fucked up the world was. Id also fucked up by developing autogynephilia, which is arousal to the thought of being a woman. Its all I ever masturbated to. This led me to developing gender dysphoria, but not enough to want to transition. I still have the thought in my mind but Id never go through with it.I have only ever been truly in love with one girl, and since I have finished school for good about a month ago (I am 16) she is now dating my old best friend. Small world, I guess. I am scared of sex and intimacy in general, but I have actually seen them together in public or on social media together and it just makes me so *numb* and jealous because I think that should be me with her and not him. I have never liked someone like her. And of course now I have dysphoria it hurts even more for reason. Just my luck.Back to the dysphoria, its made me have thoughts of suicide for the first time in my life which really scared me. I just want to be like every other boy without getting this voice in my head telling me its not right. I have stopped working out and am avoiding masculine things in general, I even get dysphoria looking at my own dick. Literally 3 MONTHS AGO I LIKED IT. Apparently I am also conventionally attractive for a guy which I promise is not bragging because I do not even feel happy about it. I am so desperate to be able to talk that as a compliment but I just fucking cannot. I just feel betrayed by my own brain. How am I going to live a good life when everyday I wake up hopeless. I have just applied for my first job in a bar but I am so anxious to fill out the forms. I am 3 days late to do it. Mostly from the dysphoria but I just have anxiety in general, as well.I was always told Id be something great, I was called the gifted kid which as a lot of people know is NOT very good thing surprisingly. I feel like I have wasted my life already and I am only 16. what is the point in going forward if its just going to be this??? I feel like I have been cursed. I have always tried to be a good person and do the right things for my future, but now I just feel like none of that matters anymore.what is the point in life if all you can do is watch OTHERS enjoy themselves, but not yourself? I do not want to watch others live the life that I want, which is just people that are comfortable in their own skin. And you want to know why I am like this?? I got horny at a fucking crossdresser when I was 11. How fucking dumb is that. I feel like I am not even going to make it to 20 if it carries on like this. I am actually laughing at myself. How the fuck have I messed up this badly lmaooo. Fuck life. I feel like a wasted life.",Depression +26960,I am GOING TO DO IT. I cannot LIVE LIKE THIS PLEASE MAKE IT STOOOP!,Suicidal +26961,I feel really split with myself like I cannot tell who I am. I feel like when I am not feeling depressed these are just fake feelings pushing me on or they could last longer. Or maybe depression really will just stick with me however and these are my true feelings. Idek if that makes sense lol just a sad vent cannot tell who I am or what I want,Depression +26962,"Hi everyone, my name is jordan and I am 32 years old i have had a pretty rough life my whole you no the usual stuff like not having a dad, abuse, neglect, getting sent. To live in children's homes and sicho hospitals.when I was young is was diagnosed with bipolar,manic depression, anxiety, ptsd, adhd, odd, all these things and was takin to a therapist or sichiatric one of the 2 . and every visit that I went instead of increasing doses or decreasing I was put on more and more drugs because I guess that is how they did it back in the 90's Which let me to walking around like a zombie and made me see dead people when I was a wake and its just turned me into not myself. Some of the medications I was on that I can remember where depicote, emempermine, zoloft, ridline, respidol, and that is all I can remember but I was on a total of 8 different drugs. And its literally ruined my childhood . and years after all of this i wound up go I g to college for science and kenisiology to be a personal fitness trainer. And i worked in. The field for a short while before my anxiety and ptsd started kicking in then it became harder to do and one say just quit . which all my years I have worked it has been this way. IIm always a really good worker and learn very fast I have done roofing personal training calibrations and maintenance . but I only can stay at these jobs for short period of time due to my mental problems. I have been married now going on 8 years and have a daughter and all I wanted to do is give them the world I just recently started my chooling for plumbing and am worried that it might not workout due to my mental problems. I have problems going to sleep at night because I am always having serious anxiety attacks and freaking out .i do not no what I should do or if anyone can help . because I wanted to do something for my family but at the same time I am tired of being tired some days I just want to give up and quit this life Some one help",Depression +26963,"And she is the only reason I did not do it yet. I just cannot stand constant pain in my chest, exhaustion from my job, stupid pandemic and that one mistake I made that I have PTSD from. I do not know if I schedule a meeting with my therapist. Or visit a psychiatrist.I just cannot anymore. Everything feels so difficult and pointless. And I lost so many friends due to my depression and I feel like no one wants to be around me even though i am faking that i am okay. Also I started having thoughts about my dog telling me I do not love her (not schizophrenia just weird intrusive thoughts) and I should rehome her. I feel like a crazy person. I want to kill myself but I have a dog",Suicidal +26964,"I am tired of being by myself I am jus lonely asf . why will not someone genuinely love me ,care about me and respect me . Where is he??? I am going to die alone !!!! Lonely /Single",Depression +26965,"I literally cannot feel anything. I cannot feel pain, I cannot feel pleasure, I cannot be miserable, I cannot be happy. Jesus fucking christ, I had a normal day when one of my cats died. It literally was a regular day. I did not feel sad, I did not go to comfort my sister. I just sat down in my room, looking at the white ceiling. I PREFER FEELING MISERABLE. PLEASE. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING, EVEN IF ITS PAIN. THE VOID INSIDE ME IS SO FUCKING BIG AND ITS KILLING ME. I cannot feel anything.",Suicidal +26966,"My neighbor invited me to their block party. A big problem for me is feeling like everyone hates me. I live in the south and I am middle eastern, so most intersections I have with strangers are negative. I work in retail and wether or not I am working I get antagonized by random white people over the age of 30 everywhere I go. I mind my own business. One tim I had a gun (still in the holster) flashed at me in a CVS because I asked an old man if the wart remover he was holding worked or not. My dads an egomaniac so I cannot talk to him about it he just cares about being right (in his mind he has to win every conversation he has) so its always my fault. Well anyways I decided to get out of my she will a bit and try to be friendly so I baked some baklava, made three different kind of dips, made homemade chips, and went to the party. I worked out beforehand, made sure I looked nice, then went to bring the food to the party. No surprise but everyone was the typical middle class urburban type, and I felt like rector was staruing at me. I waved at a lady who was REALLY staring and she just turned away. Ok, whatever. Say hello to the kids playing in the driveway, they say hi sheepishly but no adult wanted to talk to me. I set the dip down tried to start a convo with some of the dads standing around, nothing but the cold shoulder. So now I am just home with some leftover baklava and dip. Is it my fault for only giving them like 15 minutes? I really tried guys I am an introvert but I tried so hard and it was so awkward. I felt like an alien everyone was looking at me studying me and no one wanted to talk to me. I might be looking too much into it but one guy I think actually walked all the way around the little tent table thing to avoid me, I only say that because it would have been wayyyyy quicker to walk past me. He half-stepped in trees and bushes. Idk. I know this is pathetic but I cannot help but feel so alone. I know I need to move north but its hard because were so poor and I do not have any family or friends besides my dad. Thanks for reading, no one cares I am sorry I am just at the end of my rope here. I do not have an infinite amount of patience, how many times do I have to put myself out there only to get rejected. Actually went my neighbors block party, spent all night making dip and baklava, now I am eating it alone.",Suicidal +26967,"When I feel down, I grab a piece of paper and start writing down. here is one of my pieces, named: When The Clock StopsLetters I have written,But never meant to send.The torment Id dealt, something they never understand.I miss the image in the mirror,blocking my sight as pain gets bigger.What truth means?I cannot tell no more.No one is to blame,Except for me.No one has failed,Except for me.If you need someone to blame,Please, blame it on me.The only way out is to do what my brain keeps telling me,Only then I will be free.The beauty I will have missed when I am gone, The pain and sorrows lying in the deepest depths of my heart.All that is left to me is a naked scream on top of my lung.For years I never felt understood.Tried to put my faith in god but he never answered too.Nights in my bedroom, never seem to end.Staring at sky but no stars to shine,Perhaps there is no grand meaning in life, Or it could be that I am merely too blind. Its come to the point where there is nothing for me anymore.When my clock stops, Then that I am happy the most. When The Clock Stops",Depression +26968,Give me a reason y my life is worth it one atleast please. do not ask me to live for others please because the only reason I am even writing this is thinking about others so one solid reason please its getting really bad and hard to hold on PLEASE STOP ME,Suicidal +26969,Give me a reason y my life is worth it one atleast please. do not ask me to live for others please because the only reason I am even writing this is thinking about others so one solid reason please its getting really bad and hard to hold on PLEASE. STOP ME,Suicidal +26970,"Sorry if this is very cringe but this is my situation, this is not a joke. I am a French teen, I am 15. Lately I do not have any happyness in things I do, I see my friends (I have only two) and I do not know, this is really boring, all in my life is boring. My friend call me to hang out and go to sleep at his house, but my dad say ""No, you will not go to this party, you must study"", my father always say me that I am a stupid boy, I am just a guy who just thing to do party. But this year I study hard and have really good grades at school (3rd of my class). But my dad do not want to give me free time. I tried to talk to him, but he is always working or watching TV, my mom have not time at all, she is always working. I cannot talk to anyone in this fucking family, I have two brother, the first live in Japan and have a family, the second is at the university, he is very asocial and never had a girl friend, he also never had a lot of friend, idk if he is really stuying or if he is in a depression. And there is me, I am just a guy who my parents always say me that I am stupid etc... I do not have a lot of friends (just 3), and I have noone to reconfort me, I never had girl friend too. I want to kill my self, I do not have a social life at all, I am just a fucking piece of shit in this world, I have any reason to live. During few month I was thinking to kill my self in plane, I have a diplome to fly (just little plane), I will crash in a area where there is noone, and I can die peacefully. I am just tired of always studying and always being insulted by my dad and seeing my brother decending to hell slowly. All of that is my fault, I am just so weak, I cannot take insult of my dad and do not fell in something like depression, I am just a fucking poor guy, I do not need to live, insult me, I do not give a fuck. I tried 4 time to suicide, that always did not work or just I could not do it, but now, I think I will do.One thing that I do not say, my english is very bad, sorry for that. If I fail my suicide I will update that in the comments... I do not know what is happening",Depression +26971,"I will be nothing when I grow up.Well I want to be a doctor but that surely will not work out, I am just not that smart.I do not know why I should keep pushing on if I will never amount to nothing.I do not have friends and no one to vent to.I feel like a bad person, when someone is talking to me, the words just morph together and I cannot understand a thing, after that I feel guilt for being a bad person.I have been having suicidal thoughts for the past months and I just do not know what to do.Please help me because everyday I just feel like drowning with this constant pain. I just do not know why I should keep on living.",Suicidal +26972,"I heard this statement where Depression is just a word for hating yourself. And yes I feel that is true, I do hate myself and where I am at in my current situation. it is been like this for years and I do not know how to get out of it. Depression is hating yourself",Depression +26973,"I do not know why but I am constantly feeling alone. When I was in kinder I was always bullied and I did not really make much friends. The neighbors that I had before were my playmates, but I always felt that the only reason the play with me and brother was just for my brother. All throughout grade school no one did not really want to be my friend. Then high school came I thought I was finally making progress, but the friends that I made just drifted away. I usually have fun with my cousins but even then I feel like I just do not fit in like they would just be better off without me there. I feel like an inconvenience for the people around me. Right now I only have 1 close friend and she was my teacher. I have had a knife to my wrist 3x in my life and each time I could not cut. I kind of feel like a coward for not going through with it. I constantly imagine my family seeing me dead in a pool of my own blood. I cannot talk with my mom about this because she views people who kill themselves as weak. My siblings have often told me that suicide is never the answer but I feel like I just need to do it. I am sorry if this was too long a read. I am Lonely",Suicidal +26974,"I want to go but I do not think I have the balls to do it. I want it fast and painless. I want everybody to think I ran away to live another life and I want them to think I am alive. I have no effing clue. Since January this year it is been really bad. Weird thing is I can still go out and have fun, but after that, the thoughts are back. I do not believe in therapy so I will not do that. You get it now why I think ending it all is the only solution? I think I have been depressed for 10 years without realizing it and now it is bad",Suicidal +26975,"First of all, I do not recommend gambling at all as it can and probably is already a problem for me. All I have been doing lately is gambling on sports. I started with $1000 got it up to $5000 and then lost most of it. I still gamble which I know I probably should not but I am just so depressed it is like my only 'hobby'. I just feel like gambling has become my vice, it is something to make me feel something. it is almost like my only friend I can count on. it is the 4th of July and here I am at home. Probably will go drive around just for the heck of it. I am so tired of everything. Depression and sports gambling",Depression +26976,"Fucking tired of this, I feel so suffocated. I cannot even turn to anyone for help. I hope I fucking die in my sleep tonight",Suicidal +26977,"Hello, I am writing this because I need advice on how to help my brother. Here is some information about him:-He is 18 years old and has been depressed for about 2 years (He has been talking about suicide a lot in these past few months)-Extremely stubborn (specifically when trying new things to help his depression)-Has a lot of anxiety and overthinks every scenario-Goes from 0-100 very quickly and can be manipulative-He has been on medication for 5 weeks and starts therapy in the coming weeks-Inconsistent sleeping patterns and trouble sleeping -No real problems or worries in life-Spends a lot of time in his roomWe are currently deciding if we should make him a rough schedule to help keep him busy and to keep him active. (Implementing things such as working out, going on walks, practicing mindfulness/meditation, giving him some more responsibility) Please let me know if this is a good idea or not!Thank you for reading and I hope I can get some replies on what things me and my family could possibly do to try and help him. Helping a Family Member",Depression +26978,"We are not doing good money wise rn and my dad refuses to sell any of the 30 guns he has so we can eat dinner. I have not had anything to really eat in three days. All I have had are pretzel sticks. My stomach is hurting a lot. I just want to end it so bad to get out of this. I cannot get a job, my sister refuses to, and my dad keeps running off to a town two hours away to fuck some chick he met in high-school. I need help but I do not know where to find any.. I am starving",Suicidal +26979,"I have suffered with depression + anxiety since probably middle school due to bullying, but mostly family BUT I moved out from the abusive house with my mom and her BF in 2018, but I will have to move back in a month. Since moving out I felt like my mental health increased greatly and I did not have to live life in fear. Of course my father has his own issues, but it is so much better dealing with his narcissism than my mom and her bf's abuse. Ever since I learned I will have to move back I have given up on life.When I do move back I will probably use one of the guns her bf has in the house to kill myself. I cannot live in that house again and suffer everyday. I fantasize about killing myself every passing second. I have thought of trying to get help, but I just cannot afford it as a 20 year old who is unemployed. I tried to have a retail job before but felt extremely overwhelmed from my anxiety that I quit and wanted to focus on college.My mom knew I cut myself in high school, and she just laughed at me and asked why and did not care at all. She also knew I starved myself everyday as well. She constantly tells me others have it worse and I am overdramatic, so I could not get help if I wanted to. Hell, when I was 10 she told me to kill myself which I put a plastic bag over my head and tried to do as she said. And at the time we lived with her step mom who complained about the noise and beat me with wood spoon for crying during that whole ordeal. When I say no one would care, I honestly mean that. I am just done. At the end of July when I have to move, I hope my plan of killing myself succeeds. I have been trying to keep living for so long, but I am just so tired of it because nothing has improved. I keep hearing how it gets better, but life has been shit from age 7, and at age 20 life has not improved I do not Know What To Do Anymore",Suicidal +26980,STOP FUCKING SAYING THE OH YOUR SO PRECIOUS EVERYONE LOVES YOU! ITS BULLSHIT! STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT! WHY SHOULD I LIVE?!&#x200B;sorry I need to just end it please.I want to die.,Suicidal +26981,"that is it, right?I mean, I deserve this pain. I must want this, or Id try to escape it. So if I want this, and I have it, then its my fault. And if its my fault then I deserve it. And if I deserve it then its right.And no matter how dark things get, or how horrible it all feels. At least I know I deserve it. And that when one day this kills me, Ill deserve that too. I deserve this",Depression +26982,"From being bisexual to living in a homophobic family to having no friends.This is goodbye. I will be jumping off as soon as i type this message.This profile is inactive as of now. I sincerely thank this community, but this is goodbye.",Suicidal +26983,"my bf of 7 months broke up with me simply because he does not know how to love anyone but himself rn, I am so utterly fucking alone. i drop out of high school in grade 9 after being hospitalized so many times and being so ill. i have not really made any friends since and i was supposed to graduate this year if i stayed in school. i watched all my elementary friends and childhood friends throw their caps and meet one of their biggest accomplishments. after i was raped in 2019 i was molested by my brother a month later, that brought up repressed memories and i realize I have been neglected, abused, and touched my entire childhood. my mom will not let me talk about that stuff tho. i was kicked out of 2 group homes and I am in foster care now. i just got released from the psych ward after attempting. idk anymore what did i do to the universe to deserve this at war with the universe",Suicidal +26984,"Reddit removed my post from r depression which made me even worse. Visiting family major bipolar 1. I had written a whole clear message reaching out for help and now I am not as cohesive. Staying with family for holiday/my birthday. My mom triggers me and became abusive when she knew I could not leave and sent me into the worst depression/mixed episode/mania I have had for years. I plan on buying a gun when I leave to go back to my apartment tomorrow. Supposed to be 37 Tuesday, birthday was canceled because my mother is insane. Planning on ending it before the big 3-7 I have attempted suicide 5 times previous, actually died twice but they were able to revive me. I am still scared though. I am not sure if its what I truly want but I am more often wishing myself dead than not. Giving myself a final 48 hours Type it all out and had it removed",Suicidal +26985,"Long story short, I have just stopped taking a pretty strong narcotic that I have taken almost daily for about a year. The withdrawal is very similar to opiate withdrawal, and because of it (I think) my depression has come roaring back very intensely. I am experiencing pretty extreme waves of almost frantic sadness and panic. I am not quite sure what to do. I have a job/house/relationship that are very important to me. And without going into details, those things very well may all be gone at some point in the future, and I feel like I have been living on borrowed time for the last number of years. Now that everything is flooding back into my head, I am not sure Ill come out okay at the end of it. Has anybody been in this position? Do I just ride it out and hope for the best? Do I need more medication than I already take? Think I might need some help, but do not know if this is the right place",Depression +26986,"As title states. I just now started to think about therapy and that opportunity might get real for me if I play my cards right. And to my surprise I do not want to play them at all. Turns out I like the feeling of sadness (not numbness, I hate it) I can just stay in that sad-pain state all day and when I come out of it I want to dive right back in. I want my emotions and be able to cry but I do not want to give up sadness. I want to feel my heart bleed when I read stories involving suicide and aftermath. It brings me pleasure and helps me cope.There are like no things convincing me to fight it. Like what will happen after I beat it. I will enjoy this life? do not think so. Like I did not like this life before depression and after I do not like it even more. So what, I will come out to just tolerate it a little more? It sounds so not worth the trouble. I have a profession that is easy to do regardless of your mental state except motivation so what is the point? I will have money, and I much rather to just keep drowning in my sadness thank you very much.Also self harming looks so appealing I can not describe it enough. The thought of it bring so much need for it. I am bearly holding my self back from it. I always wanted to see the blood on my wrists (I do not even like blood which is strange), feel the pain and have to hide the scars afterwards. Ahh.Am going to go to therapy if I get an chance tho. because that would be right thing to do, I think.For anyone wondering I have depression, ocd, social anxiety and maybe bipolar (not sure). Yea my life is fun. Ps. Forgive me any spelling or grammar mistakes, it is my second language. I am a masochist",Depression +26987,This is the perfect opportunity. Nobodys in the house. I have all the tools. I want to die but I am too much of a coward to actually go through it. I am so fucked up. Why cannot I do it,Suicidal +26988,"What do I want my last words to be? Confessing all of my secrets? An apology? I do not know I wanted to write a suicide note, but my brain is empty",Suicidal +26989,When I was in school I took gcse re and one of the topics we covered was about suicide and also assisted death. At time I thought suicide was bad because that is all we hear and are conditioned to believe. However in re we were looking into different religious beliefs and of course all the religions say suicide is bad but the teacher showed us a clip of a woman who was a suicide advocate and (Id like to add I was not suicidal or depressed while at school) I thought she made some really good points. Of course at the time I did not make my opinions known because everyone in class was saying how she is wrong I was only 15 at the time and did not want to be made to see some stupid school councillor or something so I kept my opinions to myself. everyone is argument against suicide in that class seemed so stupid to me after hearing what that suicidal woman had to say. I understand that when people die its sad. Extremely sad when its a close friend or family. But dying is inevitable so why are non suicidal people so against suicide? Id rather die on my own terms. I am extremely depressed and suicidal and I feel as though I get emotionally blackmailed to stay alive. I might sound naive but I rarely ever hear people telling non suicidal people to please stay alive. Like when my dad was just randomly dying from a heart attack one day I did hear my mom say it to him but is she angry at him for dying even though she told him not to? No and that is because he had an illness which caused him to die. I also have an illness and that illness is depression which is pushing me closer to death just in this case its me wanting to die on my own terms? I know my mom would hold some sort of resentment towards me if I were to die by suicide. At the end of the day all deaths are sad and upsetting no matter how the individual dies so why are the people who are suicidal the ones who are selfish? So I have to stay alive and suffer just so you do not feel bad and get your feelings hurt? Is that not selfish? What is the difference between dying by choosing suicide and dying naturally?,Suicidal +26990,Honestly I am so damn boring. Like.. its a main reason why I do not date anyone. Nothing really interests me so I do not have much to talk about. I suck at all conversations and once again I am so boring. When i was a kid I had a personality I was funny and goofy and happy. Now I am just a dead zombie that will laugh at things in public to not seem depressed. But my brain is so dead from depression I cannot come up with any jokes or shit. The only thing I can do is listen and barely speak which I actually hate. I want to be funny and have a personality and be desirable but I am not that. I know its depression that causes it. Depression makes me SO boring,Depression +26991,"Head over rails, is it a foolproof method? Trains",Suicidal +26992,"it sure it great how we live in a nightmare world now, thanks everyonei cannot even i cannot talk to anyone anymore because everyone on the internet talks like a fucking toddler and most of them have the mental capacity of onei do not even know what to do at this point besides let the downward spiral continue until the county comes to evict me because I have stopped paying rent and scraps my decomposed remains out of my chair i have not left my house in almost two years and I am deteriorating physically and mentally",Depression +26993,i feel like I am the only one who feels miserable with life right now. I am not happy at all feeling alone,Depression +26994,I just want to die. Let me die. Please just make it end. I am so alone.,Suicidal +26995,I am really struggling today. I live alone I am old 37 F and have no kids no husband no family I am really close with. .. I have few friends and I feel like I have no reason to live. The place I live is a resort destination so people come here to celebrate holidays with their family. Its incredibly painful for me. It makes me feel worse than I would otherwise. The 4th of July in America is a big holiday for many. At one time it was for me too. Now I am just lonely and overweight and have no job or prospects of a relationship. I have no one to take care of me when I am old. I have no money saved. No credit. I have huge student loan debt. My life is too worthless to maintain. The bad is outweighing the good. I cannot pull myself out as easily this time it feels pointless. I suffer with PTSD and have flashbacks and nightmares. I wake up in the morning having suffered through a whole night of torture and it makes me days worse. I think back on the dreams throughout the day. I cannot work. I cannot be around people. I can barely leave my house for any reason. My dog is depressed. I feel worse because of that too. Its just piles of awful. When I was younger I was more resilient. I could see hope in my future. I could go through the bad and still have hope. I cannot do it anymore. I lost the love of my life because of the way I am in 2014 and I think about him still daily. He is married and had at least one kid. I know where they spend these holidays together with his family happy. I wish that was my life. I miss him terribly even still. I hate my life. I hate my life. I just want all this to end. I just want to feel numb or nothing . These holidays make me want to not be alive anymore.,Depression +26996,I feel like I am trapped currently because what I am doing for work right now I cannot stand with a passion. it is low wage & just is not what I want to be doing in my life. I have always since I was a kid wanted to get into acting but my issue has always been my personality is where I am too quiet/shy so it just would never work out for me. I already know exactly what would happen if I went on an audition for example where I would completely freeze up or forget my lines due to nervousness & not. I envy people that are outgoing & can just say & do whatever. It also annoys me a bit because if I had an outgoing personality with the work I actually want to do I probably would go for it & be comfortable doing it. But now I am stuck working awful jobs since I know for sure it would not work out for me because that line of work does not fit my personality. So I am in a position where my natural personality is holding me back from life. I just do not know what to do. What am I supposed to do for work when what I actually want to do does not fit my personality?,Depression +26997,"What does it mean when I have lost all feeling possible (99% of time)? I do not react to love from my girlfriend or family at all or get happy triggers from it, i do not even cry anymore, i do not get angry at stuff (i just say fuc* it and brush it off), etc. its almost like I am just here in autopilot. Will therapy help? Meds? Nothing? Feeling numb?",Depression +26998,"I was doing alright when I woke up. I had lunch with my family and we watched a movie that was dealing with some pretty heavy stuff- chronic, debilitating illness and lots of hospital scenes. I am a crier when it comes to emotional movies but today it just struck a chord in me and all of that despair, sadness, and hopelessness came rushing to the surface. I am just having such a hard time lately and I just keep getting so overwhelmed.I do not know how to just keep doing this for the rest of my life. I have been depressed and suicidal for almost as long as I can remember. I am 21 now, almost 22. Sometimes med combos/therapy have helped, a little. but due to misc. life stuff I have always ended up not keeping up with it like I should have. Even then it still felt like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. I have been hospitalized a few times too. It always seems like I just end up getting bad again. My family told me that I need to get help, and that they love me and will do anything to help me. But for some reason that just made me feel 10x worse. I feel like nobody is really realizing the gravity of my feelings. I feel like I should not say my emotions are important or that they matter, because they do not. But they exist unfortunately, and are incredibly strong and hard to deal with.I just want to die. I just want to stop. I do not want to do anything at all. I just want to be alone and waste away and stop bothering everyone. Really struggling today.",Suicidal +26999,The only thing my therapist do is informing me that i have depression and i do not know what to do anymore. I see no joy in living. I am helpless and such a big failure. Therapist do not help me,Depression +27000,"I have not tried in nearly a year but I have been thinking about it again. My Ex girlfriend have always treated me poorly and I thought I would be bettering myself leaving her but shortly after my father passed away and I am having seconds thoughts. My ex has cheated on me serval times. I do not know how many guys she have sexted but I know she slept with at least 2 other men while I was with her. She lied to everyone about everything she will make up story's just to have something to say. she convince all our friends that I am some monster claiming I would not let her see a few of them she cut ties with herself. she is terrible to me and for me but that does not even matter bc she found a new bf who is apparently better in every way. he is taller, his dick is bigger, and he already made her finish more times then I have. (ik that point sound dumb but I cannot stop thinking about it) at this point I never want to sleep with anyone again out of fear I will just embarrasses myself. After losing my dad I find myself trying to go back to her I just do not have many people. at this point it just my younger sister who cares about me. I have really bad social anxiety so just making new friends does not really work that well. I feel so Alone just lost in thought all day I keep flipping back and forth between never seeing my dad again and how worthless I am. Today is the 4th of July a holiday I use to spend with my dad but I cannot do that now and it killing me ever time I see fireworks I think about all the years we went to the beach and watched them ourselves. I just do not have anyone to talk to about it anymore. I am sorry that I am mostly venting here I just feel like there an easy way to stop this feeling, and I thought maybe saying it would make feel better. Lost",Suicidal +27001,"Over the past year I have gotten better. There are still days where it comes up out of nowhere. I could be having the best day of my life and boom!!! All of a sudden I want to kill myself for no reason. Sometimes it stays for days at a time. Then sometimes it is off and on every couple of days. I still find myself crying myself to sleep. There have still been a few times where it is come close to convincing me to just do it. Not going to lie the thought of this pain ending is peaceful. The battle is getting easier though even when there is times I want to just give in. Some of your guys' stories I have helped to snap out of it sometimes because I do not have it has bad as some of you have it. I know you guys have valid reasons to just end it, but you guys just keep fighting. I have a good life. I do not know why I feel this way. Anyways I know it just happens. there is nothing we can do to change it. Thank you guys for giving me strength. When the thought comes to mind with seemingly no trigger.",Suicidal +27002,I hope I choke on them I am eating nuts right now,Suicidal +27003,"Hey guys, I hope you forgive my poor englishI (22M) was suffering from OCD and depression for 6 years, i could not treat it properly because my family think i do not have a ""real"" problem that worth spending money for, my depression kept getting worse to the lvl that the death i was afraid of and having ocd from it is now a wish, my suicidal thoughts are just thoughts anymore and i almost commited suicide. I ve been alone for my whole life, i only had 2 relationships in my life, the first cheated on me and the second wich is my current gf start losing interest on me and disrespect me because i seem needy to her because i only have her, i have 0 friends and 0 social circle, she literally the only one i chat and hang out with because i feel loved sometimes even if show the opposite other times. Her behaviour with me is a breakup dealer but i cannot break up with her cuz i will not find anyone besides me.I live in Morocco where there is no free mental health providers, but i need professional help and i do not know how to approach my family because i can only expect them to not take my problem seriously and will not trust that ibam really suffering, they never trusted or believed in me my whole life tho.I need some advices on how can i tell them, should i else someone elae to tell them? Can you guys give me some advices I need professional help but i do not know how can i convince my conservative family who dosen't take me seriously",Depression +27004,"today i sat down alone in the forest and stared at nothing for 40 minutes, then i walked up on a bridge with the height of ish 8-9 meters long and decided that it was not enough for guaranteed death so I am going to visit a bridge tomorrow that has a really great height that provides guaranteed death so hopefully i will jump tomorrow if I am not a pussy and end all this suffering and sadness. ill do it tomorrow",Suicidal +27005,Goodnight everyone I hope I do not wake up tomorrow,Suicidal +27006,"I went out to walk in the park an hour ago and i had my hat on with earbuds,i was dressed very bad as in i did not put much thought of what i wore,i walked a bit, it was time to come home and when i was leaving i looked up and saw two girls sitting on a bench,one had her back towards me and the other was facing my direction, at first i did not really put to much thought to it when my dumbass was still looking at her thinking who is she, she looks familiar.And when it hit me,it was the two girls who used to pick on me in middle and elementary school,i did not know what to do,my feet stopped moving they did not fuckin budge,my heart started pounding and i started breathing heavily.the girl looked at me up and down,and i lowered my head and finally my legs started moving,i had to pass them,i just know they were talkin and looking at me.I never wanted to see them again,they picked on me because of my weight,they made fun of the way i talked,they put the whole class against me,and made me embarrassed in front of everyone.they made me want to kill myself everyday,they are the ones that made me turn out this way,they made me hate myself in everyway possible now i cannot talk to anyone i cannot make friends,I am always alone,and have a fucked up mind.they had gotten prettier,in good schools,all A's,while I am the ugly loser,all because they were bored,i cannot get over it,now I am in highschool but still think about them,afraid if I am going to run into them.Idk what to do anymore,why whyyy must they have everything and ruin my life.the damage is done. I saw my bullys today",Suicidal +27007,I have got everything. A loving mum and sister. Great friends. A great best friend who talks me through my bullshit. I have got multiple guitars. I have got multiple game consoles. I have got multiple handhelds. I have got a nice pc. I have fucking everything. Materialistic things as emotional things. Why the fuck am I like this. I am such a fucking asshole. I just want to scream and cry. I just want to hang myself and drift off. But I cannot. I am stuck. I am a spoiled asshole,Depression +27008,90mg of xanax and a 1.5 l of wine? I do not want to wake up Will this kill me?,Suicidal +27009,"I am 17. For the past year or so I have been showing early signs of schizophrenia. I am losing focus in things, cannot do basic tasks right, disoriented thinking and most importantly feels like demons talking to me.Like I genuinely hear faint voices telling me things plus I also randomly think of bizarre things out of the blue. Lately I cannot seem to trust even the few closest people to me. I feel like I am a burden to them, That I do not mean anything to anyone and that they will be safe without me. I have even severed ties with probably the greatest friend I would have met in my life cuz of this.It hurts and I feel stranded with no one I can trust. People say there is no cure but it can be maintained. How do I stop these demons in my head? not sure if this is the right place or not but any schizophrenics here who could give some advice?",Depression +27010,"Back then when I dreamed myself achieving something like doing great on a competition or just a simple exam, I used to see my face. But now that persons face is different, mostly someone else that I know. is not it fucking pathetic. My own brain does not belive in me and puts someone else's face. I just cannot stand the fact that the only thing I am doing when I m so fucking down is making me feel more worthless. In the last six months my self-confidence dropped so much that the person accomplishing something when i dream is not me.",Depression +27011,"I live with my mother because i have not been able to move out yet, and i ignored her when she wanted me to go with her to a 4th of July party, this was after i told her i did not want to go. I am over 18 and got tired of doing things for other people after doing so for my whole life. I ignored my family for 4th of July.",Depression +27012,"I do not understand what happens to me. I have been always an attractive, sweet and loving girl... but every men I have ever met has left.Starting to my father who never gave a damn about me...My biggest dream was always to get marry and to be a mom.I never thought I would be 28 and still be single and alone.I feel so depressed and sad.My bday is in a few days and i feel like i have nothing to celebrate [F28] I do not want to die alone",Depression +27013,"I just want to disappear I have absolutely so reason to be depressed, but still here I am",Suicidal +27014,"First time I applied for transfer to university from a community college in 2020 (for 2020-2021) they rejected me.Then the second time I applied for transfer (for 2021-2022) they rejected me.But I would not give up so easily.I filed an appeal the same day USC rejected me, back on May 28th.The shittiest part of it all was that decisions were due on May 31st but that was a holiday so they email me on a Friday afternoon and leave me in darkness that entire weekend.I emailed USC Undergraduate Admissions almost every week asking about my appeal.Then, a couple days ago, on Friday............AGAIN.........they rejected my appeal.What is it about sending out damaging emails on Fridays when noone can do anything on the weekend?So, I have been having another crisis because USC was my life and NO I DO NOT believe in matches reaches or safeties.Call me entitled but I live in DTLA and USC is in DTLAbut that does not mean anything to them.Every time I think about having to go to CSULA, I get sick again.I applied to several UC campuses, but the problem is the UC campuses are highly competitive despite being public institutions.I am a California resident and there is no decent university for me to go to.Then some lame people got salty with me because I had the nerve to criticize CSULA because the administration is shit.So, as a black woman who has been rejected everywhere, I have never felt more low.*But what I cannot understand is the obsession that people on Reddit have where they go through all your past posts in order to get information then come back and attack you on a current post.*Man, if Reddit was not anonymous, I might actually give a shit.**Thank goodness that reddit is anonymous.**I had people in r/USC and r/ApplyingToCollege telling me to get professional help and calling me delusional and saying truly disgusting things so my posts were deleted because of all the people making inappropriate comments which was not my fault.People are animals and have no forgiveness in their hearts nor any concept of understanding.**Freedom of speech is dead.**I am not asking your opinion.I am simply expressing my disappointment and there is no right or wrong way to do so.Why would I give a \*\*\*\*\* about what anyone thinks on an anonymous forum?Reddit is by definition the cowards way out because everything here is anonymous.Noone made you come here and whatever you say on Reddit has no meaning.People need to seriously chill out.You think whatever people say on an anonymous forum has any affect on me?Come on, man.I came to express myself, not to start some huge discussion on why these top universities are so damn corrupt. But you know damn well they are corrupt.I really want to use COVID to take a gap year but as a transfer that would mean I would have no recommendation letters,etc.I am unwilling to put myself in another dysfunctional environment (CSULA) where I will never get what I need and I am the only black female in the major (again) and noone gives a fuck about me because the one golden boy in the major gets all the glory.You do not go to college just for the education.You go to university in order to engage and learn from the world and people around you.And I resent the fact that all the work I did to have a passing GPA is in the toilet now.But my life is already in the toilet.Every time I make a final plan, I chicken out, but I hope this Christmas I will be able to go through with it. Nobody cares",Suicidal +27015,"Once upon a time there were a happy male. Needless to say there is nothing left of him anymore. I can barely remember the last 4 year of my life. At all. Some few memories though. I can barely remember the last 4 year of my life. At all. Some few memories though. I have been in an abusive relationship for the past 6 years. 6 months ago I broke free. It was hard. However the reason I managed to actually break free were due to the fact that I got into drugs. About 4 years ago I started to isolate myself from my friends. I did not even recognise it myself. I thought it were because I had a lot of things going on in my life but today I see the pattern. My abusive ex wanted that to happen. Roughly 3 years ago we moved in together and that is when the abuse skyrocketed. Both physical and mental abuse. Almost daily. I lost all my friends. Lost my family. Everything. Not that my family and I actually had a good relation before but if it were ok then, it absolutely went to the bottom. The only person I have had any contact with at all the last 3 years is in fact my abusive ex. it is sick. I know. However I did not really realize how bad it was while I were in all the constant drama, I think my brain were too busy to defend myself from all the physical/mental abuse. Fight/flight mode all the time. that is where the drugs really helped me out. Once I got down from that I could clearly see how sick my situation were. Finally roughly 6 months ago I broke free. Needless to say it is been hell. I do believe I suffer from some sort of PTSD now and it is literally killing me slowly. So much so that I am done. I am ending it today. I can barely socialise at all due to this. My brain will not allow me to relax in any situation regarding another human being. Hyper-vigilant all the time. Completely emotional numb. People even make fun of me calling me Mr.Robot. I tried to seek help, but were sent off. I tried to seek help from friends, no-one reaches out. I tried to seek help from family, no-one cares. I guess they are doing right. Their lives will continue just like normal in a matter of time. Think I will do it today..",Suicidal +27016,"I do not see a way out. I am stuck here. I lost my job real job a year ago. And I am stuck. Nowhere will hire me. Not anywhere i could afford to live off of. So I am stuck in the country. Getting fatter. More depressed. Idk what to do. The only real solution i see is to wait until I am happy enough to just do it. that is how i felt this morning. But i just went back to bed. I should of went. I am tired. Of everything. I felt so good, and i thought, i should go do it, this is a good point. But I did not. Now i have to wait for another happy morning. I do not want to die, but when I feel happy, I do.",Suicidal +27017,"Why have not I been diagnosed with depression? I was diagnosed with depressive mood swings in 8th grade, whatever that is, but I know I have had depression for years. I finally got a therapist in college and I was diagnosed with CPTSD and OCD, but I know I have depression and I bring it up all the time. Its upsetting because it feels like she does not believe me. Thank you for listening. Confused rant",Depression +27018,"Recently turned 18, been depressed for over a-decade, dealt with mental issues since I was born which has left me with a empty pain filled childhood. have not had girl friends or relationships, and I have tried to lie to myself and other that it is because I am not ready for one, and while that is true, I also just really wish I had someone I could hold, someone to hold me, someone that when I get those thoughts I can immediately think of them to make those thoughts go away. Instead, I have spent my entire life with these thoughts slowly eating away at me and my soul and I am scared because I do not have much more to give. I just want to feel okay. I am loosing my fight, how do I keep going someone please fucking help me I cannot be the only one feeling this way. numb, exhausted, lonely, and at my wits end. I hardly ever cry when I breakdown nowadays and that fucking scares me. Looking at my future is like staring into an black empty abyss just waiting for when you finally decide to jump. Anyone else feel this way. I am really struggling right now, how do I deal with this emptiness?",Depression +27019,"So for the past like 3 years I have been getting episodes of feeling extremely bored, no interest in anything, tiredness etc and it pops up around spring/summer and it goes away for a while then it pops up later in the year again. Why and what can I do agains it? I probably do not get the daily recommended sunlight as I work inside all day then I do not really get out much after I get home on weekdays. Worth mentioning is that I am an avid gamer, when I am really feeling it I can play all day and have fun, but when I am in these periods I can barely bring myself to launch anything. Periodic depression?",Depression +27020,"First, some background, I am 38/M and have been living with mom for the past six years. I moved back in with her because I was in a bad financial and emotional state. Lost my job was basically broke. After going through another couple jobs, I finally found stability in a job that I have had for the past few years. Now, I am thinking about moving out as it is time do that and my mom's going to retire soon.Still there is some uncertainty about what I want to do next. I am not in not sure how much I want to stay with the career I have been able to save up a fair amount of money because of my situation so I have some options I guess. I know that I have to make my own way in this world in spite of the issues I have but I am not sure what to do next.I do not really have much to keep me where I am now which is pretty much where I have lived all my life. I do not have any real friends, except for some that I message every once in a blue moon on FB. I have lived on my own before so I know I can do it but I wonder if getting a fresh start in a place far from where I am now is a good idea.Not sure if I should go somewhere where I am close to family or if I should not let that be something that is really important part of where I decide to go next. I know my depression is not as bad as some people's but it is something I still deal with on daily basis and the loneliness of not having friends is probably the worst part of it. I am hoping that getting away from this place that has so much personal negative history to it will help but I am not sure. Have any you been in a similar situation? Did moving help? Did you try to stay close to your family? Thanks in advance. Thinking about moving and getting a fresh start",Depression +27021,"So this friend of mine i think has something close to anhedonia (I have only recently learned about the term so I am not sure).Few things about him:-he is about to graduate in a few months. -he seems like almost the perfect guy and everything goes the way he wants. Looks, academic performance, you name it. Even ideal because he turned down all girls asking for sex then was made fun by his family because of that but that just made him more appealing to other girls and queers. -just got out of relationship this pandemic. Its complicated that i think has contributed to his mental state right now but we do not think giving him a new girl would help at all. -no motivation left. Not even money, sex, games, etc. -no regrets if he ever dies he said-he feels like he is high above alone and sadSo he now sees everything as pointless and is somehow contented in life. Although not suicidal but it does not matter to him anymore. He said he does not need help but i think otherwise. He does not have to know he needs help right?Anyways, i do not want something bad to happen to him or worse become suicidal albeit unlikely. Should i suggest going to a psychiatrist to him? But he might just throw his favorite line ""what is the point"" to that but i think i can push him a bit more. I read few things about anhediona like doing exercise would help but like i said, he is almost perfect, that includes having a toned body because he is working out. Very recently he turn to vices. Just want to do something about his mental state before it gets out of control. I tried talking to him a few times with no progress. I think i understand him the most out of everyone in my circle but i just cannot articulate it.Tldr; should i suggest looking for a psychiatrist to him? If you have the same experience, what can i say or do? What should i do for this friend",Depression +27022,"I just worry that even if I get a better life, I still will not be happy. I will still be just as miserable as I am now. Even if I had a reason to feel joy or just be ok with what was happening, I would not be and I would know that at that point it would be all over. I would be beyond repair. I already feel way older than I am, and I just want to have lived a full life already. It could have been a horrible life as long as I was older and closer to the end. As long as I could be less tired, or at least have a reason to be tired. I am scared things will get better.",Depression +27023,"This is suckThis is suck manIt's too painful I do not want to be alive, I am token and the world is broken.",Suicidal +27024,I am so tired of hurting and hurting myself can only do so much. My bf might leave me soon so that is fun and now I am in a deep depression and i cannot escape its grasp. Ill never get better or be loved. Breaking with time,Depression +27025,i cannot take it anymore I am planning to write my suicide note please i need someone to talk to,Suicidal +27026,"My friends say i should stop drinking because it is getting dangerous because i get suicidal... well, when i am sober i am too muh of a coward to kill myself, but when i am drunk - i do not care. that is why i drink. Either i will be happy, because i am drunk and having a good time OR i am depressed and will finally at least try to kill myself. Everytime i drink i end up wanting to kill myself. But i still want to drink.",Suicidal +27027,"I (33F) have been struggling with depression for quite some time. Back in 2019 I was seeing a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. I was taking Prozac to help with my depression. Overall I was beginning to feel good. Unfortunately, all that ended when my boss outsourced our jobs to India and I lost my insurance. Fast forward to the present, I am still without insurance and have not been able to afford therapy and meds on my own yet. My work has been really unsteady. With that said, I currently work 7 days a week, while my BF (36) works UberEats for 4-5 hours a day M-F. When I leave for work in the mornings, he is asleep. He does not start until 10:30 -11am. When I come home, I usually find him playing video games or on the bed on his phone watching porn or dumb shit. I do most of the cleaning at home, which includes washing dishes- to which I hate with a passion, but since I do not cook, that was our agreement. Lately though, I have been more active in the kitchen so I am considering switching our roles. Sex- He likes to be pegged. Which I happily do and enjoy. I genuinely get into the moment which tends to result in 2-3 orgasms for him. He has it good! I recently had this conversation with him expressing that I would like for him to initiate sex with me more often. However, our pose is usually 1 of the following 3; missionary, cowgirl, or stomach down/doggy. I can only orgasm with 2 of those positions. There is still a lack of initiation from his end. Maybe I should be more vocal... but I feel like at that point, it becomes a chore, which is not sexy. Plus how many times do I have to repeat it? that is the bad... the good is that he loves me. He tells me everyday how much he adores me. As far as I know, he is honest with me. Whatever I want, he does. he is supportive and encouraging. I love him. I do, but sometimes I also feel a little of resentment. Why am I breaking my back to fuck him and support our lifestyle. I have been so stressed out lately. Like I mentioned, my work has been pretty inconsistent. I have a breakdown almost everyday! Sometimes, I want to break up with him, but I can never go through with it because when I truly think about it, I do not want to. I just feel like I am stretching myself thin. Circling back to the porn I mentioned. He masturbates every morning before he leaves for work. His Reddit feed is mostly porn. he is into big proportions. I was not giften with much assets in the rear... and it makes me very insecure. Plus I am a little over my ideal weight. I am beginning to wonder if my depression is affecting my relationship, or if my relationship is affecting my depression. Any feedback would be appreciated it. Is my boyfriend adding to my depression?",Depression +27028,"My mum lost her uncle a few hours ago and she was completely devastated, I was like if I kill my self, she would completely lose it. The only thing that is stopping me from commiting suicide is how devastated my mother will be.",Suicidal +27029,do i need a constant flow of helium or do i just fill the bag once and seal it when using the suicide bag with helium method? i need an advice,Suicidal +27030,"Hey everyone, I could use someone to talk to. I am kind of panicking and I am feeling very lonely, like noone can really reach me. I self harmed again, in an failed attempt of feeling something I could understand or feeling some release. Please help me, but only if you feel life you are able to. I do not know what is going on or why I am like this. I feel very unimportant and I really really wish i stopped existing. Please, I could really use someone to talk to. I do not know what else to do.",Suicidal +27031,"I get days and days of feeling worse than useless, ugly and disgusting, during which all I can think of is killing myself. Then I will have a stretch of a few days where I feel ok, do not think of suicide and I invalidate my own experiences of the previous few days (""it cannot be that bad, I feel fine now"", ""I guess I do not need help, I feel fine now"", ""if I was actually going to kill myself I would not be feeling like this now"") and then before I know it I am back to a place where the only thing stopping me is the lack of easily available suicide methods. Rinse and repeat. Intermittent suicidal thoughts?",Suicidal +27032,god kill me please. but i am excited to see what happens next in life....but i want to die i just want this rumination to end i want to die because i feel super embarrassed,Suicidal +27033,"By all reasonable metrics my life is absolutely fantastic. I work as a software developer (which I love, or, well, loved), have worked at a very large, well known software company, and now work at essentially my dream job at a quickly growing and very successful startup. I am married, have $100k in cash savings, and more in investments. I am only 3 years out of college, but I have \~10 years of actual development experience, and supposedly am one of the best performers in the places I have worked.However, I absolutely detest my life. I have no joy in anything. Video games that would be enjoyable now are just the easiest way to distract myself from feeling terrible, but I do not actually feel like I have \_enjoyed\_ the time spent. For the most part, I never did anything outside of work; either I would browse Reddit, try to play a game, or just sit around. I would occasionally go on bike rides or walks, but I have never been a very outdoorsy person (I am allergic to everything and have exercise induced asthma). Exercise never seemed to help me feel better or sleep anyway. Life became a very dull cycle of wakeup, work, constantly wait for work to be over, sit around, constantly wait and dread work starting, etc...I am constantly extremely tired, and I wake up quite often in the night. My various doctors have taken me through 5 depression and 6 sleep medications in the past year or so, and none have brought much relief. I have had two sleep studies that not only turned up nothing, but left the doctors telling me that it looked like I slept fine. I have trouble even taking naps, so while I am constantly fighting to keep my eyes open, I will not actually fall asleep in most cases, which becomes very wearing and boring.I am (or was) typically a very passionate, motivated person. I was always reading stuff to learn, was very dedicated in school, was always thinking of side projects to work on, etc... I started a medical leave from work a month ago because I could not handle starting work each day. Since then, I have felt no motivation to do anything, and an extreme dread at the idea of returning to work. I \_liked\_ writing software, my team was great, but I was always sitting there waiting for my 8 hours to be up so I could go home (and be sad when I do not accomplish anything).&#x200B;It seems like such a poor career choice to just outright quit a job with no plan, but I honestly do not know what else I can do. I suppose I can force myself to go back to work and just keep going through the days, but I honestly think I cannot take that. If I ever get better, I should be able to find another job without much trouble, but this was my dream job, and I am considering giving it up just because I am weak. I am also considering burning savings, which although it should last for quite a while, seems foolhardy.Is there anything you would suggest that may be a better course of action? Help me justify or condemn these ideas, as I do not have anyone besides my wife who really understands my predicament. Extremely burnt out at 25. Considering quitting job and taking an extended break",Depression +27034,I hate myself. My head is so messed up and my moods keep changing like a rollercoaster. I go from the happiest person to the most suicidal one in just a couple of hours and it is so exhausting.I want everything to end Having a rough day,Suicidal +27035,"I am lonely. I know my current group of friends do not like being around me. Yet I am too socially inept and scared of finding a new group of people. Every single person I have ever talked to either lose interest in me or are annoyed by me, or have friend groups that implode. That has happened too many times for me to seek more people that I 100% will be gone in just a few months. it is painful. Title",Suicidal +27036,"I do not want to exist anymore, I cannot describe it, I do not want to kill myself but I do not want to live my life anymore. I am just sick of being a disappointment to myself and my family who seems to have it all together. I have not done jackshit in the past 5 years, the only thing I have to show for it is my high average grades, which are not even impressive. Everyone in my life has their life together, I have not experienced the same things that nearly almost everyone else has. Making and enjoying time with friends? No, not even one. Finding love, and sharing your first kiss? I have not even hugged a girl, besides my mom/family. Hell I cannot even talk to someone without it going into a multihour long silence. Everyday I just look at my screen, wondering if it will get better for me, but it almost never does. I never listen. I am always in my head. I am selfish, and I feel like a part of me deserves it. I am an idiot, intellectually and socially. I wish I was born different. I do not want to exist, but I do not want to kill myself",Depression +27037,"I am so exhausted and the only way out is suicide. i hate thinking about my future because I hate being alive and I do not want to live a shitty life.Not even drugs or alcohol is helping meI do not even know why I am still aliveim so fucked dude i cannot wait until i finally kill myselfi have no desire to live anymore, there is no point anyways.&#x200B;is there anything i can do to help my mental exhaustion, so i can atleast feel a little better I am so mentally exhausted and nothings working",Depression +27038,My dad passed away in January of 2012 and eversince then my life's been going down hill. He elft me a very hefty inheritance but they say not even money can save you from the sadness. I am never truly happy. I fail at relationships. Whenever I get happy something bad happens. My mood swings are very bad. At one moment I am happy and the next I am feeling sorry for myself thinking of suicide. I do not want to kill myself but at the same time I do not want to be alive. Life is a gift. But I cannot live it like this. I hope that one day I can be able to overcome and beat my depression. I hope I can be able to live a happy life. I am living in the wrong timeline were I am always sad.,Depression +27039,I add the question mark I am not sure if that is what this is I am I guess addicted to working/progression Anytime Iv been single or my wife leaves me alone (i do not think there related but having someone is calming) I have to work I have workout I have to study I cannot relax my brain is crunching numbers or I am doing something I feel guilty and best myself for enjoying too much coffee/snacks or not maximizing my hours I must have a fit body I must have a strong education I must have high earning nothing less is acceptable a sleep minimum hours too maximize my time 4-6 hours I cannot even be proud of myself Ill just obsess over my breaks 20 minute break why was not in 5-10 minutes I am losing progress why not find a way to work and eat I guess I am just looking to talk about seems to help relax me I do not like stressing my wife High functioning Anxiety?,Depression +27040,she is a very nice person and I did not want her to get hurt when I go away. I told my only friend not to talk to me anymore.,Depression +27041,"On a day to day I try mainly to blame my depression on actual things. My anxiety, arguing family and many other stuff. If it is something real it can be fixed but there is no reason I am depressed. Things have happened that could lead me to being depressed but they do not. It is something within me, like a tumour, an unfixable tumour. Nothing I can do",Depression +27042,"Fuck dude. This always happens. I feel like the Eiffel Tower of mental health. Build myself back up and once I get to the top, it just all crashes down so quickly around me. Maybe I hope for too much. Maybe I am too optimistic when I am happy. The more I try, the more it hurts when I fall back down to this awful reality m. Fuck this day. Fuck this life. I just want it to end dude. I was doing so well.",Depression +27043,I cannot afford a therapist. I have no job and I can barely get out of bed. I keep thinkin no one wants me around. What can I do...i just i want to give up and just die already. I am so tired of suffering. I am having more and more bad days.,Suicidal +27044,"As you guys can read i am done with everything and everyone,why does life keeps punching me in the face when i am on the floor?I am not that old(16)but ever since i remember my lifes was complete bullshit,i have a good family and i love them that is all,but since i was in school i was bullyed and they were laughing at me cuz i was too slim or my teeth was not perfect,that is why i wore night braces after that,but i think you get the point,i am in middle school now,i was bullyed here because of my eyesight,which is really bad and to translate what they called me to english means blind dick,yeah really and i just cannot stand being around my classmates,like it feels like that i am much more mature than them which makes me a really good target and also i do not like conflict so i usually does not say anything to those things.I also have problems with friends and releationships,i am really bad with girls,like i care about them and everything like that but when it comes to them caring about me that is a big no from them,i always had my heart broken after these things,and with friends,i do not have them i usually play video games alone,i have one best friend,she tries to help me but she just cannot,like she is not the same as me and she did not experienced this,and i just cannot get help from her,when i tell her that i want to die,she just says that please do not i am important to her,but i just do not feel any better,i just cannot get friends and i am really lonely,also i am literally bad at everything,i had dreams and stuff that i wanted to do but i did not get any succes even though i put a lot of work in them(for example i had a dream of becoming a hobby streamer etc.)it just made me feel demotivated and i just cannot make myself do livstreams and stuff cuz i worked hard and there is nothing that proves that,i am just done with everything guys,i want something good to happen to me,not just the bad things,i am literally thinking about doing something stupid with myself(i think you get it)..... i am just done",Depression +27045,I have a group of friends that really care for me to the point they force me to go out and play dnd with them every week (probably only thing keeping my at least partially sane) and yet anytime I am feeling down and want so badly to say something to them I cannot. Its like something inside feels like I do not deserve their attention and love and will not let me say anything. It hurts so much and I do not know what to do about it. Why cannot I talk to my friends,Depression +27046,Just an off one. And you do not even get to choose the on one. One of the worst things about life is that there is no pause button.,Depression +27047,Hi everyone I am 32 year old male currently dealing with depression. Majority of my life I have been dealing with OCD/Anxiety mostly focused on having a serious illness. The constant worrying has put me in what i think is a serious deep depression. I have no emotion anymore. Nothing excites me i feel like I am just existing. I got engaged 2 months again and was not nervous no excitement no emotion i feel like i do not have emotion for much anymore. It honestly scares me. I been to psychologists and CBT never really helped.Thinking that i might need to go see a psychiatrist i feel like I am drowning here and i cannot get out its an awful feeling. I have start going back into work july 12 so that means 2:30 hour commute to the city one way. So my question is what have you done to help get out of this depression and if anyone deals with health anxiety what do you do. I feel like the health anxiety is what put me in the state. I worried for 2 months thinking i had skin cancer to get a biopsy and it was a mole and now i feel like there is a lump in my neck and the worse part about that is no one else feels it i went to urgent care and the doc said nothing is there. i keep making doc appointments thinking they miss something I am trying to save for a wedding and I am just spending money on docs. Please help. I need help but IDK where to begin.,Depression +27048,"I do not want to sound overdramatic but i feel like I cannot embrace any of the pleasures life gives me. There is nothing inside me except the massive pain in my heart. Whenever I think about the future and death I see myself dying alone, not being loved by anyone. This vision evokes the worst feelings in me and I am not sure how much longer I can bare its weight. I am a lonely soul",Suicidal +27049,"My boyfriend of a year just broke up with me a few days ago. He has depression and I pushed him away. I did and said everything wrong. A few months ago he had a large depressive episode. He did not want to hurt or burden me, so he tried to break up with me to isolate from everybody. I told him I will not let him be alone. I stayed and emotionally supported him, and he was happy I cared to stay.I did not realize that my daddy issues surfaced in the relationship. I needed healing for my inner child regarding insecurities and feelings of being worthy. When these needs were not met, I kept pushing him away, complaining, fighting, criticizing him.My bf tried to fix me, he felt guilty that he could not. He tried to heal me, lift my confidence up, he was like my therapist a lot of times. He tried so hard to make me happy by actions not words. I did not appreciate this. All my stupid mind wanted to hear was words from him because that was my mental issue I needed fixing. Nothing he did was enough for me, I desperately acted out every time he did not reassure me. I told the poor guy that he was hurting me and I could not take it. I blamed him that he did not do enough,and he was crushed. He loved me so much he stayed longer than he should have. He said he hung on by a thread for a while but could not take it. The past few months he felt guilty he hurt me. He also took a while to break up with me because he did not want to hurt me and break my heart. He said were not compatible, which I know is untrue because we would be perfect if I had worked on my issues, we are like best friends. He said I should find someone to love me right because he clearly failed. Now he is so stressed out with his job and his health, he is crumbling into pieces that he almost died. He broke up with me last week and told me to take some time to heal myself. I begged him not to break up for a while and he held on but now he begged me to let him go. He said hell still be here for me but as a friend and that he cares about me a lot. We are not talking right now. I feel tremendous guilt. He is at his lowest right now. I am going into therapy to fix my issues. How do I fix this ? I will clearly not try to win him back right now, but I want to be supporting him. Should I do no contact for a month and then reach out and ask how hes doing? How do I reconnect and support him emotionally? I feel like $hit. what words can i say to make him believe I am sorry my boyfriend has depression and I did everything wrong",Depression +27050,I thought movieng out of a bad house would make people relize what they do i went back for the 4rth my father seemed to not care he changed nothing threw trash into my old room he was in love with his new girlfriends family after me bing default assaulted almost raped at 17 groomed since I was sixteen and forced to be the family therapist without anyone careing about me I am done I was an adult at 7 cooking cleaning doing every thing alone I was put through a nasty divorce at 15 and at 20 I guess I am done with everything got a nasty message from my sister telling me I am the problem after being ignored for so long I think I am done if I am the problem then I will leave. Final post,Suicidal +27051,"I am sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it off my chest.I moved in last August, we were friends in the same sorority. I will call her Viola. I am not saying I was a perfect roommate or friend this year, I was really depressed and a little negative sometimes. I felt tension from her and started isolating in my room, which I think may have pissed her off more. A couple times I said the wrong thing and accidentally offended someone (nothing cruel, just tone deaf). This was just what I noticed, no one ever communicated with me explicitly.But I always pride myself on being kind and taking the high road. Especially the last few months, I did everything I could to be more conscientious about my words, listen, and uplift others rather than talk about myself. I was never mean to anyone, I always kept common areas clean, but it was never good enough. We were different people with different behaviors, so I always felt like I was stepping on eggshells and ruining her perfect apartment ecosystem. She so obviously preferred our other roommate, who was very sweet, and I tried my best not to show I was hurt.At one point, I asked a close mutual friend, Hannah, for advice. She lived across the country, so she knew both of us, but was uninvolved. I made sure to phrase in a way that was not shit talking, but rather seeking to resolve tension. Hannah assured me that Viola loved me and sometimes roommates do not mesh, but that everything would probably be fine when we stopped living together.Anyway, I moved out at the end of May. I texted Viola a couple times asking how she was, and both were ignored. She was going on a long road trip with Hannah, and I really was just hoping to try and mend things slowly. Getting ghosted sucks, but I tried to just move on.Then I looked at her twitter.Going back through the whole year, she said horrible things obviously aimed at me. Her pinned tweet is ""Before you buy somebody a mug for Christmas remember it is the gift that screams you do not know them very well."" The day we exchanged stocking gifts, for which we had a 10 dollar limit. she is a teacher, I got her a mug about teaching, she got me a water bottle. My other roommate got me a mug. It was not that deep.The tweet that referenced when she said she would feel bad for hurting one roommates feelings but not the other, right in front of me.The tweet from the day I moved out: ""If you moved out of a place, and you leave stuff without asking if the people staying want it - I hate you. Take your shit."" My mom helped me move, she can attest that all we left were some plastic plates and unopened food packages.And most recently, the one from the day I texted her the second time: ""I really want to know, why do you text someone you know hates you? And why would you try two more times after being ignored? Why?? #wearenotfriends""It should not hurt as much as it does. I am so tired of feeling this way. Former roommate shit talked me all over her twitter",Depression +27052,"Long time ago I met an girl through an support group on social media. She had an partner and decided to stop talking to me, Months pass by and all a sudden she decided to get back in touch with me. She told me she thought about me,we decided to become strictly friends. I eventually learned she was in an unhappy and loveless relationship. We soon became close and developed feelings for each other,it became an affair. I was a single guy.My own circumstances were not perfect either, I urged her to leave her relationship and start a new life with me. She left to be with her family and eventually went back to her bf, I was heartbroken, we decided to start again. It looked like she was never going to leave him, I had enough and ended it for good. It took a toll on my mental health and I had an mental breakdown was nearly driven to suicide.I learned from someone else that she did eventually leave her bf and found someone else. They are in happy relationship and post their pics on social media. Not many people knew about me. I do not know how I feel about it. I sometimes feel like anger and total regret, something I never do again. I feel like the bad person sometimes. It has messed with my head still sometimes. Thanks for reading Sad affair",Depression +27053,I am just overwhelmed. I cannot take this anymore. I have chest pain and headaches from all this.! I need to talk to someone ; (,Depression +27054,I am thinking of quiting my new psychologist because the methods she is trying to teach to overcome my depression is basically the same as my old psychologist ( the same old plan a timetable and follow through it). The thing is my motivation to do literally anything is 0 but I am atleast able to carry out my daily chores but goddamn does it take a toll on you with the suicidal thoughts constantly jabbing you. My psychiatrist on the other hand said I could take ketamine which is subjective since I have had depression for 7 years. What do you guys think? Am I doing the right thing?,Suicidal +27055,"I know it is a hard sign of depression. Wanting to just disappear, stop existing. I have having the same feeling for ages now. Not even with medication it stopped. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes it is stronger, sometimes is soft, but it is always there hunting me.I think no one can actually help me, my past psychologists were completely useless.I am not scared to die, is just the blame I would have to carry with me to the grave that bothers me. Living my parents and all the sacrifice they have done for me to be ""successful"". I work, I sleep, I stay in bed the whole weekend and repeat. No hobbies no anything.I am here, just venting, again. Looking for someone who thinks like me, feels like me and feeling a little less guilty for having everything but feeling so empty inside. Waking up waiting the day I die",Depression +27056,Everything that i hold onto has been either taken away from me or given up on me.Everything that i believed in has shattered my faith.there is nothing more left.I do not think there is anything else. I cannot keep going anymore,Depression +27057,"i simply do not enjoy being alive anymore, it all feels empty and it hurts all the time and I am so tired. everytime i fall asleep i desperately hope that its the last time, that i will not wake up again. but as much as i want to stab myself in the heart or chop my body up with my hatchet i cannot, my best friend needs me, my mom needs me, my brother needs me, everyone needs me to be strong and its tearing me apart inside. i just want it to be over, i just want to die. i do not want to be alive, its so tiring and i just want it all to end.",Suicidal +27058,"I do not know how to express it but I just feel sad and empty all of a sudden. I do not want to call it depression or self diagnose myself. I really want to get checked but it is very costly in our country, also I do not even know where to start or how to express this feeling with a doctor. My parents do not know this feeling I am having because I am always happy and loud in our home. I have not been outdoors since the pandemic happened, I started to work from home since last year and the only time I go out is when I do groceries. I have plenty of hobbies. I play video games, create art both digital and traditional, I watch series/shows/anime, I collect toy figures. I really like the feeling of ordering things that I like, it brings satisfaction but then fades away quickly. I am stressed with my job, I always cram and procrastinate. I feel empty even though I can get things that I want or do things that I want. Right now, I cried out of nowhere without any reason and began searching for reddit posts that I can relate to. I sleep around 4am-6am despite having a job (I am midshift anyways so my shift starts at 2pm). I do not know what to do because I cannot tell this to anyone because I do not want them to think that I am seeking for attention or being exaggerated.Any tips to overcome this feeling? Does social media detox help? I am active at instagram and twitter (active at scrolling but not at posting), I deleted my fb app and just open my fb once a month. Thank you and I hope someone can help me. Ps: Sorry for my bad english, not my first language and its 4AM here. Hello. Lately I have been feeling empty.",Depression +27059,"I once had this psychology professor who was lecturing on depression and how it has biologically evolved from the beginning of our ancestry. She made a statement that still has not left me, which was Some people are meant to die. As hard as it may be to come to terms with, not everyone is meant to live long, fulfilling lives. I am an example of this; as long as I can remember I never belonged anywhere. I do not remember a time where I was not thinking about wanting to kill myself. I feel like my whole life has just been this never-ending cycle of loneliness and disappointment..no matter what I have achieved. I try so hard to be the best person I can be for others and for myself, even though dying is always raging at the back of my mindI fuck everything up. I ruin things. I am not good enough because I just was not meant to be. I have tried to kill myself three times and even managed to fuck that up. It would be better for everyone else if I was no longer around. The verbal abuse I receive at home and at work is never ending, consistently reminding me of how much I do not belong. My friends love me, but the stakes are low for them, always at arms length and never going out of their way really to maintain communication in person, and never keeping plans. I am so tired. Tired of existing on this planet that was never meant for me. My future only consists of misery and loneliness. The future that will not exist because I know when I try for the fourth time, I will not fuck it up. i was meant to die",Suicidal +27060,"I am neither someone who suffers from depression nor someone who lives a fullfiling life. If i have to discribe myself i would say i am just a statue of Indifference.I have, for a long time , contemplated argued, debated this question. Why? Why am i not ending my life even though i do not see any point in living on?. Its not like there is any thing material or non-material stopping me. so why?. ""Is it because suicide takes too much effort?"", ""Is it because lack of resources to end my life?"". ""Is it the right opportunity?"", ""is it just basic survival instinct stopping me?"" I think not, these are all just mundane reasons i can easily overcome.I have possed this question again and again, i have come to answers again and again, i have retorted those answers again and again, i have rejected those answers and possed the question again and again.so what? I cannot seem to come to an answer that sparks the flame to burn all my doubts, an answer that can satiate my gap of curiosity.I feel uncomfortable. My indiffrent nature is being voilated, its annoying honestly. I just need to know so i can quickly end this unreasonable life. Why am i not ending my life?.what is actually stopping me?.",Suicidal +27061,"Technology has invaded every part of our lives and the almighty algorithms are ever present, destroying our ability to listen to each others, lobotomizing us, and robbing us of our time and energy. Propaganda and other methods of political manipulation are rampant. We are swiftly destroying the natural systems that support our life in order to give the one percent a little more powerpaper to hoard and everybodies too fucking busy being ""entertained"" to notice or work up the energy to revolt. Mars is a lie, we cannot even manage to not kill each other on this planet, that actually supports life.Financial crisis is only going to get worse, since we will not have another way to drill oil to save our asses like it did in 2008. it is really fucking tough to plan your life when NOTHING seems solid anymore. There is not a cultural framework I could lean on to help me make decisions, my emotions tell me to kill myself so I cannot listen to them either. The only thing I have to rely on is my flawed rationality and it seems impossible to take in enough information to predict anything because the world is changing so rapidly.it is not only like I am falling apart and am disillusioned with everyhthing it is like the whole world is. I do not have the motivation to get out of bed most days, barely have the energy to manage my personal life, and sure as hell do not have the energy to save the world. I am in therapy now but this all seems so real, I do not know if it will make any change, I sure hope so. cannot shake the feeling that it is already over",Depression +27062,I do not really have enough energy to fight anymore sometimes i feel motivated and good but suddenly everything crashes and i feel like i have no soul or feelings like nothing matters to me anymore and I cannot stop thinking about killing myself but i stop myself by saying wait one more week one more month after exams ... life is so dull it has no meaning No energy,Suicidal +27063,"there is nothing more to it, while everyone else is living their best life I am slowly killing myself in my house I see everyone around me, even my friends having great time during the summer whilst I am at home popping pills, getting drunk and it is just such a pain",Depression +27064,I do not have anything to live for. I feel like shit every day. Nobody care about me. I do not know what to do with my life then just die. Literally thinking about suicide,Suicidal +27065,"i have been better for a few months and i have been feeling myself slipping back into a depressive episode again. I am not there just yet but i can feel myself getting worse from week to week and i do not know what to do about it. I am doing everything i was doing when i started to get better before. i am taking my anxiety meds which is good but i see that my depression is coming back. at the end of my last depressive episode i journaled about my feelings, i did meditation at night to fall asleeep and i forced myself to do hobbies i used to like and go out with my friends. that took a lot of energy but i did come out of that depressive episode. i still do journaling and i go out with my friends. ill start doing meditation at night again but i still feel like shit. i feel like i am slipping and i do not know what to do about it i hate this hopeless feeling. i just wish i could crawl into a corner and come back out in a few months when ill be feeling better. feeling yourself slipping",Depression +27066,"I am scared because I know I would not do anything, but small things set me off and all I want to do is to stop hurting. I do not see a purpose to life. I go to therapy and have been for two months, and its helped with my OCD but my overall happiness for life is unstable. I just want my pain to stop I want to die",Depression +27067,"Indian life is a waste. there is nothing deny itBut if I tried suicide and reincarnation is true, then I might end up back as n indianwhich I do not want.god if I can only leave this cycle I cannot commit su cide as n indian and I do not know what to do.",Depression +27068,"How do I help her? How do I be a good person for her? I want to support her in every way possible. I want to be there for everything she needs.How do I keep things normal without making her feel like she is a patient? What are the things I should talk to her about? How do I be a better bestfriend? Someone I love is suicidal, and takes antidepressants. she is always anxious and has physical health problems. I feel so helpless.",Suicidal +27069,I am thinking about killing myself tonight. I am nothing and have nothing at all. I live in Iran the third world. My talents were not known and I studied in one of Iran's best universities. No one cares about me and I am loneliest guy in this planet. I was in a relationship with a girl I loved and she broke up with me and rejected me saying your good man but I love another guy. My father was a selfish piece of shit who is rich and does not want me to succeed and never helped me. This is just the summary of my life a miserable life.I do not know why I am writing this here maybe cuz I have got no one. I will end everything with a gun after this. So goodbye... I am thinking about killing myself tonight,Suicidal +27070,"My LORD!!!!My fucking lord.How can i be happy without being subservient to a bunch of losers????I am happy with this misery.let me be miserable, until NOT. then, BEWARE If you are happy and you know it",Depression +27071,"I have been having a very difficult 8 months, in all the ways possible and had been contemplating taking my life for basically the entire time. it is not something I have really talked to many people about, and had been working to see a therapist as soon as possible, but have been having issues thanks to insurance. I kept telling myself ""if I feel this way in 3 months, then I will look into my options to end the pain."" And 3 months came and went, and I still felt that way. 6 months passed and I would find myself laying in my bed with tears in my eyes, watching the latest news of how humanity is destroying itself and wishing I was not alive. 8 months went by in a depressive fog and I continued trying to give myself hope for a future, with very little luck. It has felt like despite trying to do everything right, nothing has gone right or even slightly in my favor. This morning I felt the urge to end my life stronger than I have felt in my adult life. In a puddle of tears, contemplating how to take my life I asked myself ""what am I even living for anymore?"" And my phone rang. My phone ID showed the caller was my beloved sister who I have not talked to in months. I could not bring myself to tell her my mental struggles, but hearing her voice saved me. And without knowing what I was going through, she delivered the words I needed to hear most. She gave me hope again when I felt it was all but lost. From one sad heart to another, *PLEASE* do not give up hope. The people who love you would miss you more than could be put into words. (I know this bc I have survived many suicides in my life and each one hurt in ways I still have not been able to fully process.) It may feel rough today, tomorrow, and possibly for years to come. But it does get better. Just remind yourself that you *can* do hard things, even if the hard thing is an internal battle with yourself. But if you give up that fight you do not end the pain, you just gift the pain to anyone who has ever loved you.My only advice is do not struggle alone, it makes everything so much harder. Call someone, anyone you know that cares, call a crisis hotline, write an anonymous post, go do something you love, try something new, but especially treat yourself with kindness. You are not required to be happy every second of every day of your life. You are human, and the human experience is a messy one. So, be messy, love. do not lose hope.",Suicidal +27072,"I am in a living hell. I am 42yrs old, living in a domestic violence shelter for women, full of screaming children, and in a strange town. No job, no family, no friends, my 7 year relationship with my now ex, was all I had. I have suffered from BPD and MDD most of my life with little relief. I have been in and out of behavioral health hospitals and left them with more trauma than when I would go in. I am tired of people and professionals telling me there is help; it is so cliche and platitudinous to me. I have zero desire to ""start over again"", I do not have the mental strength to even think about getting and holding a job. I just feel done. Is it so bad to feel done? Is it so bad to BE done? I just wish there was a for sure way to kill myself that was quick and painless. I am thinking about CO2 poisoning with charcoal briquettes in my car and just going to sleep listening to my favorite music. It will not be quick though, that is what is scary to me. What if someone finds me and then possibly have brain damage for the rest of my life. I just want to die, and die with dignity. I have reached another level of hell and it is the lowest level hell can go.",Suicidal +27073,"The week has not even fucking started. I have 120 hours of shit to deal with and my emergency fuel has run out, it ran out months ago. The thought keeps circulating my head death, death, death. fuck I am exhausted",Depression +27074,"i was absolutely sure that i am a bisexual about two years,even during depression,but last month i do not feel being ""sexually attracted"" to something. i tried to watch porn,because i was kind of worrying about not being attractes to anyone lol,but i still did not feel anything,so,perhaps,i can count myself as asexual? please do not judge me,i know i sound strange. can sexual preferences change during depression?",Depression +27075,"A year ago I moved from San Angelo TX to Austin TX. I felt off, and not at home. But I pushed through and got a car, I even paid it off. Unfortunately my year was up and I moved to Lubbock. I had suicidal thoughts, I have never had thoughts like that and it scared me so I went to a psychiatric hospital. They diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. It all started with a simple thought is life about working your whole life so you can support yourself. I moved back to San Angelo TX thinking I could get a grasp of what home felt like. I try to do things but I end up just wanting to go home. Having a job with depression is so hard, I always quit, I am not motivated, I do not have self esteem. Its weird how I woke up one day and the color in the world was dimmed. I do not want to be here anymore. Major depressive disorder",Depression +27076,"Ciao!I am 29 and my whole body is rotting away.Bad teeth, fingernails, hair, skin, obese, ugly with low paying job, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, social anxiety, my apartment is a fucking smelly mess.I feel dead. I am not a human. I am a fucking garbage, trash shit, worthless piece of rotting flesh.There is no way out. I do not even care anymore...I wish I could change everything. I wish I had the willpower. I wish I can be a human again.Fuck this. Soon to be 30 years old failure",Depression +27077,"I have been dealing with severe depression for almost a decade, but recently I have been thinking about moving somewhere off grid - kind of like day dreaming. I guess it is better to day dream about that than more dangerous things, I think. I was just wondering if anybody else ever thinks about moving somewhere else, like a different town or city to start a new life and a fresh start? Off the grid",Depression +27078,"I am constantly being insulted by my family for being lazy and what not and I completely understand why.But I really do hate it so much. I say anything back and they think I am disrespecting. They think giving advice like ""you are a little brat and you will not succeed in life ever and you are going to work in a horrible job or be homeless"" is good advice.I really should not be complaining considering my life is just so much better than most people I have read in this sub-reddit. it is just that I have felt like this for constantly and I feel like nobody wants to help.I am quite stupid and very stubborn. Probably inherited it from my parents as they are both stubborn. They constantly say things like ""You do not love me"" and that ""I am going to die one day"" and it really fucking hurts when they say that.I wish I could talk to my parents about suicidal thoughts properly. They are very dismissive that I have any mental health problems so I do not think they will care. I do remember vaguely as a child my mother said ""I wish I never had you"" or something along the lines. I would not of remembered it if it did not happen.I do not want to really talk to them either as one has been previously suicidal and has anxiety. I do not want to worry them any further as they always complain about it. I do not know if I can call myself their son if I constantly act like a piece of shit.Another thing I really hate is that I am forced to work. My parents say ""I am not forcing you to work"" but if I do not work, my brother and my family will threaten to take everything away from me (usually my phone) which is a huge detriment to me as I only really have friends online. During my summer holiday, which is now, instead of taking a break I am forced to work from 5pm till about 11:45pm.It does not help I do not sleep until times such as 7-10am as I want to have some time for myself without having to have a worry at the back of my head.I feel targeted, useless and a detriment to my family. I am called selfish and useless often and since I am the youngest, my problems are disregarded and called small.My childhood I was constantly compared to girls and other people and how much better they are than me and how they wished they had a girl instead. I hated it, I told them I hated it, they do not really care and say they are not comparing.it is amazing how I am being insulted at this very moment and currently being told to have my feelings suppressed and I am acting childish and I should just suck it up. it is amazing how much they do not care about me and they do not listen to a word I say. Sometimes I wish I was not so lazy and just ended myself. Enough of my sulking and running to my bedroom to cry, back to whining.I just wish I could seek help without being judged, without having that negative stigma, without hurting any feelings. I really cannot take this anymore.I often have suicidal thoughts but in the end of the day I am so useless I cannot force myself to get up, and just jump and snap my neck. Not like I am going to do anything about it, I am just a whiny attention seekerI suppose what really hurts my mental health is that a lot of my friends rely on me to help with their mental health issues, I have been helping for like 2.5 years and I really cannot handle it anymore. It hurts to see my friends like this, and it hurts that I cannot do anything anymore. they have had therapy but it does not work, so many of them rely on me. But nobody has the patience to help me since I am very very stubborn.I wish I can change, but I give up so easily. Working out? Give up in about 2 weeks. Drawing? See others do better and think ""people are better, there is no need for me"".I am such a stupid problematic piece of shit it is comical. I envy a lot of people that succeed because I am an asshole quite frankly. Seeing people achieve happiness and change, something I cannot do.I do not know if I can change at all. This mindset has been carved and refined through 16 years of my life.I suppose I am writing this for validation. To be accepted by random strangers online.There are much more to write about but, I am going to be shouted at if I do not return to work.Sorry for the terrible formatting, my first day using this app. Life sucks",Suicidal +27079,"This is just a rant of a random internet stranger that cannot even speak English I was diagnosed with depression couple years ago or so, I was on medication, tried few which did not work and I stuck into one which I have given up on aswell.. I kind of knew I was depressed before I was diagnosed, and even after that I denied it for the longest time, I guess first step to healing is accepting that I am not ok, well here I am couple years later, now I know I am depressed but I do not feel like I have the right to be depressedSomeone once told me that depression was like a dark hound following you around, keeping you down and standing on top of you not letting go, at first I looked at my depression the same way only to realize that my depression is not a hound, its always changing.. Sometimes my depression is the entire room or the building and I sink into it with no way out and at times its a tiny ball that I can throw away for a moment only for it to creep back larger than ever.. It used to be better for me I could move to different city and it felt like the depression was behind for while, but it always caught upto me and always getting its hold on me.. Now my depression is my entire home and even if I try to escape it follows me, coats me into armour that protects me from every good feeling, every little bit of hope and it keeps me locked in tight, squishes me to the husk I have become..Today I tried to break the armour, I paid off the loans I had and went to drive on this road next to the ocean to see if I could sneak away into the darkness of the sea with my car and end it all. I only ended up stopping at the bus stop, crying there wondering what the hell am I going to do with my life, stuck in a limbo being miserable living or creating misery by dying..So I am just here.. lost and afraid.. I do not have the heart to tell anyone how bad I am really doing, I do not even think anyone is going to read any of this and I am more of ranting into the darkness to feel atleast something Depressed, lost and afraid",Depression +27080,"I am a slave to retail. A slave to this system that pretends to care about you and then turn their backs on you when you have even the slightest genuine smile for once.I went a bit accepting myself and my shit life, but I cannot anymore. I am exhausted. I am finding no point to life if I am just going to be stuck in minimum wage. And I am fucking dumb as shit. I have no hood skills or anything other than helping the other poor miserable fools in retail.I really just want to run away. Friends and family do not give a shit anyway. Everything is meaningless and nothing matters. Fuck this life. Every agonizing day is a shitty reminder that my life is absolutely nothing and completely worthless.",Depression +27081,I have started seeing a phycologist and a therapist I have attended a few sessions and I just do not see how it would work in making me normal again. I get that I have only had a few sessions and I am going to give it a go but so far I do not see how it could help solve any of my problems. So I am just curious if seeing mental health professionals has actually helped anyone get better on here. Thanks Is there anyone on here who has had a positive experience with therapists/phycologist?,Suicidal +27082,I am so done with everything and everyone I want to die but also not at the same time I want someone to help me so bad but I have no one I cannot,Depression +27083,Someone was strangling me and I thought I was going to die I was suicidal but yet begging him to stop. I am terrified of getting murdered but yet I want to end my life. It does not make sence. Suicidal but traumatised after almost dying?,Suicidal +27084,i just need someone to tell me to stop hoping. that this is it. it is never going to get better... i just want to stop hurting myself. whom am i lying to? it never gets better. COME ON WAKE UP. this is literally itplease someone tell me it is never going to get better. i want to stop. stop everything. just cannot. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. i cannot. this is the truth so give up hoping. please someonei'm always going to be stuck in this prison. freedom and peace are not for me nothing has ever hurt me as much as having hope has,Depression +27085,"You ever feel like you have no one even though you have good people in your life? I do not know how to explain it but that is how I always feel. Like I know I have people who love and care about me, but I do not feel it. I feel like I can never mean anything to anyone. Someone made a comment to me, and I could not help but to keep thinking about it. Anyway, I just think too much. Anyway, I just think too much.",Depression +27086,I do not really remember what is it to feel..to have anything to care about i felt just apprehensive that my life and what i had or i think i have is just worthless.Why i am unable to feel...unable to have something that satisfied me for continue my life..Did i am just soulless or just a thing..Everyday i thought more and more to just kill myself. What is it to feel... ?,Suicidal +27087,"I destroyed the best thing to happen to me because of my own anxiety and paranoia. Now I am trying to fix us, but it feels like we are irreversibly broken. I wish i had treated her better.",Depression +27088,the only time i feel relieved is when I am going to sleep.. when I wake up its basically hell on earth in my mind.. wish i could sleep forever,Suicidal +27089,"Do any of you think about suicide in the most random moments? Like if this cup falls I am going to kill myself type of thing? I know a lot of people constantly think about suicide, does it happen in the weirdest moments too? Random moments about suicide?",Suicidal +27090,i think she killed herself. i was fine and not thinking about it till i started thinking about our first message ever before we were even friends and I am fucking broken. all i had to do was be there for her more and maybe she would have felt like she could talk to someone but no i fucking failed and now she could be gone i have to go too i think she is really gone,Suicidal +27091,does anyone feel like their tinnitus is the reason why its fucked tinnitus,Suicidal +27092,"I hate my life, i hate my job, i hate my body, everyone hates me. My best friend (my cousins german shepherd) was put down in november. it is getting so hard to keep going. Zoloft does fuck all, Prozac does fuck all.. I just want to sleep and die in my sleep. I am living the same day and week over and over again. Therapy is useless... Why me.. Why? What did i do wrong?",Depression +27093,"If one more person tells me that I need to ""fight"" my laziness I am going to actually explode. I have experienced being able to get up and be productive and do things that I may not necessarily want to do. But that is because it was doable. It feels like to do the things I want to do I have to scale Mt. Kilimanjaro. Even if I just to brush my teeth on non-work days because no one is dependent on me. I swear I can fight but I cannot fight this hard every day just to do something I will enjoy. Is it supposed to be this fucking hard?",Depression +27094,"I have been dealing with depression from my teenage years and got prescribed medication when I was 12. I was living with my grandma at that point and she thought I was tricking the doctor and was proud of me for doing such a good job at appearing sad. I was not faking it. My family were never big on mental health and its only recently that I got to discuss it with my mom. I am in college now and have been going to therapy for the past 2 years. Therapy is fine. I mostly attended the sessions when I was not having an episode, so basically, I have not attended one in the past 6 months. I mentioned how I started being more open with my mother about how I was feeling, she helped me pay for a trip to visit a friend. I was there for a month, helped a lot. I was ok for the two weeks after I got home and now- Its back to square 0. I feel ungrateful. I had a chaotic childhood growing up and it made sense how I was feeling then. It does not make sense how I am feeling now. I am surrounded by people I care for and doing the job I love, studying the shit I could give my life for. But instead- I waste my time, either eating or sleeping because they are the only two things I have energy for. Getting off my bed to go play a f- videogame is the highlight of my day. I have friends inviting me to go out, but looking at myself in the mirror, I do not think anyone should see me at this point. I cannot see myself, so why do I expect others. This is not how people know me. I am a workaholic. I am an extrovert. The friendly person that cleans up, helps, and does shit to make my mom proud. Right now, I am just an ungrateful, disappointment of a child. This has been written after two hours of banging my head against any surface, crying for someone to make it stop. I feel like a disappointment",Depression +27095,what is something you would tell to your past self? and what is something that your past self wanted you to do? your past self,Suicidal +27096,"I think I am currently experiencing it. I told my partner that Id thought about killing myself the other day. I have said I do not want to die but I feel depressed. He did not even hug me, hes called 111, is currently ignoring me, hes told me I need help and he cannot be around me. Hes made it about himself. I am sitting in bed, hes on the phone to his therapist. He wants me to leave and go home to my family home. I spoke to the day on 111 and we agreed I would call my GP in the morning. Somehow hes made this about him, I feel well and truly alone. What is the worst reaction someone has had when you have told them you have thought about suicide or have had suicidal thoughts.",Depression +27097,"I am holding on because of my mom. she is already depressed, but it is killing me to stay even if it is for her. I am so tired my life has always been shitty and i do not have a future want to end it so bad",Suicidal +27098,"Holidays have been stressful for me even since I was a child. I have terrible anxiety socializing with anyone, even family. But a few years ago my parents got divorced which made things even worse for me. I now have to split my time between every holiday, even minor ones like 4th of July. This one was supposed to be easy but my parents changed plans last minute of course and I am now so stressed and depressed that is its almost 3pm and I have yet to even get out of bed because the stress is making me depressed and being depressed is crushing every shred of motivation I have. I just wish for once my feelings would be considered even for a minute. Both of my parents are aware that I have severe mental health issues, yet they continue to act like they do not see an issue. I just want to be heard for once. Holidays make me feel terrible",Depression +27099,"If it got to the point that you want to off yourself and nobody around you who it ""would hurt""(it will not most of them will stop giving a shit within minutes) gave a shit prior, fuck them let them know how much you truly hated them. Let them blame themselves for all the times they failed me. I have served my sentence in this shitty mental hell. Let them finish it for me. They say suicide pushes pain onto others. Fine by me",Suicidal +27100,I feel like an alien because most people have the slave gene in them and work because soceity expects from you to consoom and do not ask questionsI cannot pretend like this is the way I want to live so i rather end it soon then be a wheel in the mashine that gets replaced without a hinchYes I am lazy but I am lazy because firstly I am incapable to do easiest tasks and secondly i want to choose my own destiny and if i cannot do that without beeing judged and put onto pressure welp goodbye then I rather kill myself then work a second for someone else in capitalism,Suicidal +27101,"So I am struggling with anxiety and extreme lvl of stress, agony and at certain days depressionI most likely have depression, anxiety, pure ocd (intrusive thoughts), ADHD and executive dysfunctionBut I need to make money too, I am 24, and I mostly studied, did not find my path yet, and that is depressing enough even if I do not think about other things in lifeI used to do art at times but I stopped as at every stroke I would criticize myself too much, just too much at every stroke, so yeah I stoppedThree days and I saw someone wanted a commission, I tried getting online stuff but could not get it so I thought I can see the pic and decide if I can draw it They send me pic of idk a fully crowded room, wanted it in watercolor, they asked for rate and even though I knew I should not, I just honestly said I never done commission and they can choose price, they said $6.75 dollars, it is not much but I said ok, I will give it a try, if they do not like it, they do not have to pay and if they do, they can pay me that amountSo I started but here comes the part that I think was development, I lived extremely sedentary lifestyle, these days like 5 days in a row I woke up with a lot of stress and probably had panic attackSo I tried to do it, yesterday when I tried painting it, it did not work out, I got tired, I thought I should just tell them I cannot as this is just making me stress more, is it worth it, for just this much, but I was in the situation if I told them I cannot, I will make myself suffer too as I will be like I gave up an opportunity, no matter how small, that came my way, and I had to finish it, no matter if they pay or no, I have to finish it Otherwise I will be more disappointedSo today again I tried from scratch, and I had even bit of argument with my lil cousin who was like they are paying too much, like I was like $6.75 for hours of work is not much and then she said extremely rude thing, but I did not let it make me depressed, also the voice in my head who was like I cannot do it, after yesterday, this time today I just wanted to first shut it as much as possible, second think good, weirdly I did not felt tired while making, I made for around 2-3 hours, I feel more tired when I am just laying down, which makes me feel I have no energyFinally then I send it to the person, I told them they can take it if they like or otherwise it is ok too And I told myself there is no need to be depressed for days if they even say no, they might just say yes idkI think it is a progressTho I did not do this in a day, it is combination of me living with depression for long, months or more, and I know it will not change on it is own, handling worst of OCD (intrusive thoughts) long, realising I cannot follow a schedule, especially after sedentary lifestyle, I have to listen to my body or I will just burnout Handle all the useless negative thoughtsIt's like you are fighting an enemy for so long on repeat, and you do get weaker, but you also know what they will do Fighting our own demons",Depression +27102,Want to hang myself but cannot afford to go buy rope(looks suspicious and kind of expensive). What can I find at home that will work? Thank you in advanced. What can be used for hanging?,Suicidal +27103,"About 2 years ago now I tried to kill myself. I was 22 yrs old and in an extremely abusive relationship, I slit my throat with a knife and was rushed to the hospital when a social worker witnessed the event. I had been depressed my whole life and suffering from ptsd without treatment for years. I was unsuccessful obviously and once I was treated I was immediately forced into a psych hold for 72 hrs. This turned into two weeks in the psych ward, not because I was unstable but because I had noone who was willing to pick me up. I was not allowed access to my phone and did not remember anyone's numbers. Noone looked for me, noone asked if I was ok. Not my husband, not my parents, not a single person I loved cared enough to see if I was alive. When I finally got ahold of my grandparents I was able to be released and they did not even know what happened. I disappeared for two weeks as a single mom ( husband was in work release) and noone noticed or asked. When I got out and reached out to people I was told some extremely hurtful l things that made me wish more than ever I had been successful and am better off dead. My husband I came to find was not even aware what had happened. My in-laws who witnessed the event chose to tell him I just ran off and left my kids there. Well that was not the case and when I got back and informed him he was the only one who cared and was shocked that he was lied to. Well two yrs later now and I still never got to talk about it with anyone but him which is not great, at the time leading up to the attempt he was abusive, that has since ended but I was not able to really talk about why I wanted to die with him. Now my family refuses to invite me to family functions saying the kids can come but I am not welcome. I wish everyday that I had died that day. I feel like everyone hates me for doing it but I was in so much pain, and isolating me to where the only person I have is my husband ? That jus feels so messed up to me, am I selfish for thinking it is messed up that I cannot have family now? it is just me n my kids and they do not need this burden not do they know what happened. They are what is keeping me here but I am in constant pain knowing I have absolutely noone, I try to make friends but they do not want that in their lives. Like how am I supposed to feel better so I do not act selfishly when EVERYONE looks down on suicide instead of helping or being there? Sorry needed to vent thanks for any advice how to move on from this My family isolated me when I tried to commit suicide",Suicidal +27104,Why do not people take me seriously Why,Suicidal +27105,"Today it hit me how alone I am and without purpose I have become. If I am honest, I am absolutely miserable. I have been single for years, despite my best efforts, no woman has been interested in that time. I am always too young, too old, too boring, too something or other. I have tried to pretend it does not bother me, but I am drowning in the loneliness and the complete depravation from basic physical interactions with others that COVID caused. I have a chronic illness that has wrecked havoc and taken away what few joys I did have that once offset the being alone. I cannot work a regular job because of the symptoms and in less than two weeks, I will be unemployed as I was told to resign or be terminated from my current job because my attendance was inconsistent due to said symptoms. Work is where I got what little was left in terms of social time and interaction with others and soon I will be devoid of the social scraps that provided. I have no real support network. Family and friends do not take any of my concerns seriously. Everyone has long associated me as a problem solver, an overcomer and can handle anything that comes my way, so I do not get anything but bubbly nonsense that I will ""figure it out, like you always do!"". I have no one that is there for me, no shoulder to lean on, nothing. I could really use their support for once, but nobody cares or is interested in my existence.I am too exhausted and broke from the medical co-pays tow o do any of my hobbies I once loved. I cannot go outdoors to camp, hike, fish, garden or such anymore because the medication I have to take makes my skin burn easily and makes me sensitive to heat. My home has become a prison, stuck only with my thoughts and random electronics that distract me for a few hours from the reality I am caught in.I once had a promising career, moderately interesting life, decent friends, and good health. All of that is no more, with no light at the end of the tunnel. I lost my career, I am losing my hourly job soon, which in turn, I will lose my insurance. I am alone, unwanted, and not taken seriously by anyone. I hate what my life has become and how little control I have over anything. I am not happy at all and I have lost all sense of purpose and motivation to keep on living. Tired of being alive",Suicidal +27106,"I cannot go to studies... and I would like to ... people say that I will have to work physically for the rest of my life ... such a life is probably worse than death ... I believe in life after death ... the fact that I can go to hell restrains me... but for me, life on earth is hell. What is the painless way to kill yourself? and where can I buy poison? Sometimes death is the best what can happen to us",Depression +27107,"was doing so good. cleaned my place, did some meal preps for the week, started my laundry. and then? remembered today is a holiday, my friends and family are out celebrating together, having a good time. without me. I am always excluded.so now I am feeling down and alone once more. all I have been doing is lying in bed crying, not much else to do. not sure what to do anymore. I am so tired of feeling alone god fucking damn it",Depression +27108,"I rly just came to the point where i had to attempt then? ugh life is so painful i cannot no one cares i do not blame them nothing is getting me out this pain its absolutely unbearable. I have bpd and psychosis (related ig) i do not get how a human can cope with this I am literally lying on the floor in emotionally agony wanting to end it all, trying to what will bring me out this misery?? Failed once again",Suicidal +27109,"I am jealous of people who successfully k-worded themselvesIts really a like so hard, I have been there and I just cannot do it, To go against all survival instincts, just to stop the pain. I see them all in a different light. Maybe cos I have been there, but I could not. All survivors, you are loved. To those who have passed, you are loved, I hope you are doing well too. I am jealous TW",Suicidal +27110,"I have felt like this for a while however only recently realised shit maybe I am depressed. I suppose its just not a nice realisation to make. there is this constant gnawing at my chest, not quite a pain but a presence that pushing on my chest, with my worst days life being unbearable agony and pain. I have got good friends and I am happy that for the most part I can enjoy my time with them despite that cavity in my chest being a constant present but as time goes on, I notice I am experiencing increased highs and lows. Its bizarre but I have been the happiest I have been in a while (despite being depressed I suspect for a year or two now ) singing with these friends a week or two ago, nothing special but I was ecstatic for a week and then all of a sudden I became the most depressed I have ever been. It also somewhat scares me that I think my friends noticed this, although I understand the irrationality of this fear. I am not in as deep as a low now anymore (hence which I am on reddit looking for help I suppose) but I do not really know if or indeed how long I will yo-yo like that. I am sure it does not help for my moods that I am basically starving myself right now but that is what I am doing regardless. I am very conscious of my wrong actions and yet I do them anyway, and I do not know why. Also I think about killing myself quite a bit, what would other people think, how would I do it but that being said I think its more of a thought experiment than me genuinely being suicidal. I do not really know what this most is other than me admitting to myself that I am indeed depressed. Time to go out and look for meaningless sex I suppose. Jokes aside thanks for the platform and I appreciate any antidotes or advice you have. I have realised I am probably depressed/rant.",Depression +27111,"Are we in Hell? In order to survive in this world we must murder and devour another life form (plant, animal, insect). We have forgotten this because now other people do that for us but we cannot survive unless we do that. So if god is so much loving as he claims to be why would he create such an horrible place where we all have to kill each other to survive? Plus why is life so cruel for so many of us? This system only favor a few at the top and the rest are thrash basically. And look who are the richest people alive. All of them are assholes who built their fortune by exploiting dirt cheap labor in under developed countries. It feels like the only way to come on top of the food chain is to be the ultimate asshole. And the last thing, if we somehow disagree with this system and do not want to be part of it, the only way out seems to be suicide, which is a very painful and traumatic way to end it. So most of us hate this place but we stay alive because suicide is very painful and traumatic. And really who knows if the pain stops after death? Because that is another thing... we do not even know why we are here and what is next. Are we in Hell?",Suicidal +27112,This last month I have been dealing with a lot internally and I have not once taken a moment to decompress without interruption. I am about to start with a new therapist but I keep rearranging my dates and times because I am working two jobs and I have near to no time for myself to be by. my. self. Anxiety attacks are tearing their ugly head for the first time in a long time. I am beating myself over the head trying to leave my toxic job for something that will allow my to leave my home. I took up another job for extra money and it is only eating away at me despite me loving the job (I have worked there on an off for 5 years almost). I am dealing with a loss of a grandparent that I have been slipping into bouts of sadness and grief when I am at my lowest. I have been crying more than everyday because I feel like an absolute in terms of a career. I need time. I have none. I feel like I am sinking and slipping. Time,Depression +27113,"I have not thought about hurting myself or wanting to die since I was a teenager living with my abusive parents and violent brother. The place was like a hoarding house, and so as a result, I need a picked up space to keep in good mental health. I live with my partner of six years. He works from home, but his job is so slow he usually gets to talk to friends and play video games throughout the day. I work over time out of the home, I wake up early, and while I love my job, it is draining. I have an injury from living at home with my parents that they did not take me to the doctor for for three years, I have Autisim, I have depression, and I have anxiety/PTSD from just a really traumatic child hood. I like to think I am a relatively happy person, but I have just gotten to where I cannot do this relationship anymore.He does not shower regularly. He does not brush his teeth. If it gets in the way of video games, he will not do it unless I beg. He begs me to do things for him that he will not do for me because it is inconvenient. We were engaged for a few months, and I broke it off because I have been in so much distress. And then today.I stayed the night at his parents place. Came home to shower and change. Place is a pig sty. Litter box full of shit, dishes piled up, carpet covered in old food, jack off rag in the middle of the floor, desk covered in snot and food, bathroom covered in hair, the smell of trash. I lost it. I was going to clean it all up, and ai just cannot. I have lost all motivation to. He makes 70% of the mess, and I was cleaning every day to keep up with it, but I just cannot do it anymore. His family is all I have. I have got so much to loose. I cannot afford to break the lease. I cannot afford to move out by myself as I do not make enough. I do not make enough really to get a roommate and still pay all my bills outside of rent and utilities. I do not have anyone to help me move, or to support me through the grief of ending it, I have no one to fall back on if I cannot make this work. My parents have been awful since I got out, and he cannot be bothered to let me vent as things happen with them. He does not want me to go to therapy, but he also cannot be bothered to give me emotional support. I am miserable, and I do not know what else to do. I am at my apartment on what should be a fun holiday for me. He us with family playing video games. He refused to come back to the house with me to help so that my day off tomorrow is not spent scrubbing the house alone. And I want to die. I have fought so hard to leave hone, get through school, get a job, I was unemployed twice through the pandemic. Staying in a hospital would put me in debt for the rest of my life. I am so tired and I just want it to be over. My romantic relationship is draining, I have no where to go, no family, and I am just in a really low place right now.",Suicidal +27114,"I am typically a very social person but when it comes to texting or leaving my house to hang out with friends, or even just leaving my house in general it feels like a complete chore. My friends think I am annoyed by them but I am not, I just cannot get the energy to do anything. Maybe it has something to do with staying home A TON and having depression but its just so hard for me. And every time I end up going out with friends or family I just get so angry and annoyed by every little thing and it sucks because I do not want to be. And then when i get home I just feel absolutely drained, the thought of doing multiple things in one week sounds impossible. is this normal?",Depression +27115," I have to get near the bottom of the barrel, I just want to look and be normal. But instead I get to be ugly, odd looking and an insane amount of mental and physical issues . Just fml. Posting and hearing what you guys have to say helps a bit. The bluepill you look fine stuff is not tbh bc I can take a tape measurer to prove every part of my face is incorrect. I cannot stand it. Just down and venting again. I cannot stand being me and I am tired of the bad days(most days)",Suicidal +27116,"its been really bad lately. i have all i could want my fianc my animals starting a business at 21 but nothing gives me anything but fleeting happiness. even when I am having the time of the world i still feel this weight of just pain and complete udder sadness. All of the shitty situations that because me to have panic attacks i always fucking create, i do not want to but i do not know how to stop doing it. he says i need to make a conscious decision to try and get better and do better, and that is all i want but i cannot figure out how to turn off my auto pilot. my shitty piss poor ruining my life auto pilot. so now here i am sitting in my car after causing a shitty fight with cuts on my leg that i need to hide. i ruined our anniversary i ruined my self i ruined his life all i do is ruin i cannot fucking stop it self harmed for the first time in 3 years",Suicidal +27117,"I have thought about posting here before and did not because i got better but now I am back to actually make a post i guessI know i should be grateful for everything i have and id like to think that i am but every time i think about the near future, just a few months even, i cannot handle the thought of living through it. I have never wanted to live to be this old and i cannot handle it. I do not know what to do with my life and I have stopped bothering with trying to decide. I cannot even bring myself to care or put effort into it. It feels so certain that however I am going to die, it will be by my own hands. Even if its ten years in the future or ten days. I work at a school so i have not been working during the summer and its given me too much alone time to think. Everyone i know is moving on with their lives while i refuse to grow up and do something with my life. I have things I am passionate about but the past month I have lost all interest and motivation. I try to think of stuff to stay alive for, like taking care of pets or waiting for a game, but even those are not enough. I just do not care anymore. I know if i died everyone i know would be hurt but it does not seem to matter to me anymore. I hate that i do not care but i get so tired that i just let it remain like this. I think I am just lazy and do not want to put any effort into living. I really must be selfish if that is the case. I do not really know why I am posting this either. i know there is not a good way of helping me feel better. there is lots of other people here who need help too. I thought id get better this year but i broke my clean streak after a good six months and all i want to do is keep doing it. I cannot see myself living to see myself turn 20 this year and i do not think i want to either i cannot bring myself to care",Suicidal +27118,I feel like I get quickly frustrated or react over-sensitive to things that other people do not notice at all and just move on.I am so insecure about my personality and abilities that I question myself for every small mistake I make. Such situations sometimes drag me down for hours or even days and I can hardly distract myself from them. Maybe you have experienced similar phases or situations in which you could not handle something like this and can give me some advice on how to be better. Advice on how to deal with frustration and over-sensitivity,Depression +27119,"I consider myself pretty well adjusted, but I have been having issues for years. 30 years old, and the best I can find is someone talking about how their ex treats them. there is nothing in life that I would rather be than a father. it is all about looks for these women. AND that is NOT A BAD THING. YOU WANT some hot 20s something girl well now the shoe is on the other foot. She wants you, but only if she knows you can provide. Why is that a bad thing Wondering if anyone actually reads these",Depression +27120,"I have always been the anxious/ overthinking type, but at least I have always had someone to talk to. At least one person Lately, the past couple years that is I have been having too many conversations with myself. Its gone past craving human interaction, past the stage of guilt and disappointment that come from messing up any relationships I have had, and now I just feel numb. Everything feels meaningless and I feel like I cannot even get one thing right. It feels like I am just drowning deep down, endlessly, and quite frankly, I wish that were the case right now. Feeling numb at this point",Suicidal +27121,"Quiero saber que piensan ustedes, si una persona se suicida para no sufrir ms est siendo egosta no pensando en como se sentirn los dems?? Si me suicido soy egosta?",Suicidal +27122,I have this weird thing that when I fuck something up I gey depressed. Then to help battle this I try to be nice and to something good for somone else. Then if I fuck that up too I get this amount of depression where all I want to do is curl up into a ball in a dark closet and cry myself to sleep... Anyone else get this if is it just me? Try to be nice and feel sad,Depression +27123,"I just lost my long term girlfriend due to my own mistakes, I am trying so hard to make myself a better person and full-fill my potential but I am having this constant battle of not feeling loved or appreciated because of how she left me and my confidence is absolutely ruined which then leads me into the rest of my shit mental health and dark thoughts , its a long shot and sounds petty but is there any females on here with any free time to just be my chat buddy for a bit please? Attention",Suicidal +27124,"I want to preface by saying I am not sure if what she is going through at the moment is depression or anxiety because I know she has struggled with both (though I think her anxiety is worse). All she said to me was that she was really struggling, she has not been doing well and so that is why she has not been replying to my texts. I asked a couple of times if she wanted to talk but she kind of ignored those messages and has not mentioned anything since. she is been talking again just normally? like our regular fun conversations. She has not texted me back (she said she would reply later and this was about a week ago so I do not know if she is forgotten or what) but has been sending me random social media posts so we have been having little conversations here and there. I am just not sure what to do, should I ask again how she is feeling? I told her I did not ask again because I did not want to push her and know she also needs alone time sometimes and yeah she did not really reply she just said ""a I have not been that responsive to her these past few days because I was dealing with some stuff so I feel pretty guilty. Basically I do not know if I should bring up how she is feeling if she has not? Do I just go along with the fun conversations? Struggling with how to help my depressed friend",Depression +27125,"I posted this because I am at my limit, and in dilemma whether I should do it or not. I am scared, and it feels like I am so broken. So yeah, if I somehow become successful going through today, I will probably update it again. Please wish me well. God Bless You All Hopefully I Can Stay Alive for Today",Suicidal +27126,Easier said than done but Hold as long as you can I do not know what to say but you are not alone trust me even if its someone across the world,Depression +27127,"I do not really have anyone in my life that I can comfortably say all this to.Therefore I apologize for the long read.I just want to be happy.I have tried as much as I can.I have been to the hospital, I have been through therapy, I have tried medications.I understand that there is so much more, and that happiness is not something you achieve overnight but rather a state of mind that you work towards on a daily basis.it is just that I feel miserable all the time....yet I have the audacity to give mental health advice to those around me.I cannot be honest with myself and I cannot be honest with those around me who are trying to help.With everything happening in the world, I feel guilty in admitting how I truly feel.Therapy provided me a lot of insight, and honestly it was great but it is not teaching me anything I did not already know.I hate myself every single day for being sensitive, I hate myself for not having the courage to stand up for myself, I hate myself for knowing I was suffering yet I allowed it to continue as I was too ashamed to seek help until my mid 20s.People tell me I am too hard on myself, but I just do not know who else to blame.Yes, my father was an emotionally abusive narcissist.He made me feel worthless.Our relationship was conditional on my compliance to the unrealistic expectations he set out for me to achieve.This carried with me forever, and it began to manifest in virtually every relationship I went into.I was a people pleaser and my lack of confidence had me seeking validation in the unhealthiest of manners.My inner child was screaming constantly.Yet as much as I want to blame him for my CPTSD, I was aware of what was happening.I understand that my emotions were not validated as a child.. But I surrendered willingly.I hate my father, but I cannot blame him.The fingers just come back at me, that no, whatever happened, was ultimately my own doing.Outside of my daddy issues, I have opened up to a few close friends however...I am constantly reminded of my situation and my circumstances, that I have no reason to feel the way I do.I am told that as a smart man, I should be able to convince myself to think positive.I am told that as a good looking man, I cannot feel insecure.I have been told that I should focus on counting the blessings in my life rather than directing my focus on the misfortunes which makes me feel so trash.I try my best to remind myself that I am only human, that I am trying my best, that the path of healing was never meant to be all rainbows and unicorns but I just feel very lost.I often contemplate suicide, since it feels easier to just hit the off switch rather than try to overcome this obstacleWhenever I feel a moment of happiness, I quickly snap out of it, since I keep telling myself I am not allowed to be happy.I have so much bottled up inside of me. I do not want this to be the rest of my life.I have come to somewhat of a healthier place but I know I still have a very long way to go.I would love to not feel this way. Unfortunately it is become extremely difficult to control.I just wish I had someone to prepare me for the real world.I wish I had a real father. A real role model.I honestly just wish I had someone to hold my hand and give me a hug.Someone to tell me that it is going to be okay.I took out all my emotional frustrations on anyone that got close to me.. And it makes me feel so ashamed of myself.I just do not know what to do from here. I contemplate this way too much.",Suicidal +27128,"I was diagnosed with depression more than a year ago. At first it was okey, but every month my depression gets worse. Now every week my depression hurts me more and more. I want to die but there is this person in my life i love. He is so strong and he was fighting all his life against his chronic kidney disease and a lot other pathological stuff. I cannot imagine how he is not depressed. I helped him trough so much shit and i do not want to die just because I am depressed. He does not deserve my loss but living hurts so much for me. I am a very caring person and i just want to make other people happy... Life hurts. And it hurts more if you cannot kill yourself. I am still alove just bc of my husband",Suicidal +27129,"Another summer that i do not do anything, another summer that i got to work in a job that i hate. For how much longer i would live like that? I never do what i want because i cannot because this job does not give the Money and the free time that i need but i cannot do otherwise. Fuck i am 25 and i have not done anything in my life and at this point i know that i will not do anything. I do not have dreams anymore, whenever i dreamed about anything it became nightmare instantly.this is really the last powers that i got in my mind and body. I do not have any reason to keep going i really do not. For how much longer?",Depression +27130,"Feeling so down and helpless my depression is causing me mental, emotional, and physical pain. Really struggling today",Depression +27131,"I am on 100mg dose. They are helping me cope a little, but I have never felt more alone recently. I lost people who I could turn to and every night these dreams will not stop. it is constant nightmares and my worst fears always manifested. I wake up more drained and exhausted than before sleeping. I just miss being able to rest. I just want a break from everything, just go to nowhere and be nothing and rest. it is so soul crushing and I feel trapped inside. I used to love sleep, now I hate sleep and I hate being awake. I have no break from anything and it is getting too much. Zoloft Dreams are ruining my life",Depression +27132,I am completely lost all i do is lay down for hours fantasizing of suicide n planning out my suicide note,Suicidal +27133,"I am everything that has ever been done to me. I do not want you to haunt me every time I close my eyes. I do not believe in heaven, This is already hell. There is nothing that could be worse than living right now. Help me I am scared. I am afraid. I am afraid of losing. I am afraid of being gone.I am afraid of staying.Every time I look at you I yearn for the time that you did not affect me. You left me alone and yet you will stay forever.Why do my hands hurt. Why why why why why.Maybe I just wish your hands did not make me hurt.Please. Remember me when I am in the ground.Ill meet you again wherever we end up next. I just hope that you will care again. Because I cannot stop caring about you.Maybe I do not want to stop caring about you. Why did you say goodbye. You made me happy . What am I even doing now.Why am I writing a suicide note that I will not kill myself on. Why do I die inside every other week.I cannot take this anymore. Please say you love me. Please say you will stay forever. Please do not lie to me. I am probably not going to kill myself. I am a coward anyway. You do not have to be worried. Sorry for taking your time. I do not want this anymore.",Suicidal +27134,"I am a 16 year old girl who is been struggling with seasonal depression and anxiety all my life. it is always been a cycle where the anxiety goes away in the winter but the depression becomes worse and in the summer the depression becomes easier but I get quite a lot of anxiety. Since 4 years back I also have feelings of unreality (possibly derealization but I am being treated for just depression right now) and it makes my life feel completely meaningless. I struggle with school, mostly because I cannot see myself living long enough to get a job so I do not really have a lot of motivation. I have tried to talk to my parents about it since I was very little, but they did not take my mental health seriously until I started cutting myself, which I later swapped out for binge eating when my parents confronted me about it and made me go to therapy. I have a great psychologist now and I take 2 kinds of antidepressants daily, but I am not going to see my psychologist until august.In december, the day after my 16th birthday my dad got me a job. I only accepted it to not dissapoint my parents, and when I look back at it it was really stupid of them to get me a job when I was barely managing to pass school. The job is being a supermarket clerk... I basically go around unpacking stuff and putting them in their place. It would be alright if I at least had someone to talk to. But I have social anxiety and everyone who works there are either ""cool kids"" or a lot older than me. I do not have any friends, not even internet friends. My top 3 friends are 1. My oldest cat 2. My brother 3. The two other cats. So I guess you can see how I cannot talk to people. I have had friends and even a boyfriend in the past, but I cannot seem to remember how I even got them. Anyways, I hate just being alone with my thoughts, which is what happens for 5 hours straight at my job. I do not even talk to customers unless it is just saying hi or helping them find something in the store.I am willing to get another part-time job as long as I get to pick it. Photography is the only thing I am proud of and I am thinking about going full-time trying to be the best Photographer I can. But just working at a caf or something would be a lot nicer. How do I talk to my parents about this? Our communication sucks and we are not too close. I hate my job",Depression +27135,So I told my partner I wanted to kill myself at the weekend. He offered no love or support just immediately said he was calling 111. Can they do anything? I am currently in bed. Upset. Told my partner I wanted to kill myself at the weekend. Immediate anger and trying to call 111.,Depression +27136,"i want to thank you for all the good memories and being there when i was stuck in that house. However at this point I figure its time to put things to an end. I do not really have much to do or look forward to anymore. many of the things i wanted to do or create are pretty obviously unreachable at this point. Most of my goals were built on fake promises. First always dreaming of going to austria, then any european country, then florida. Its obvious none of its meant to be. I do not want to be a burden to you yet again or bother you with sad memories. You deserve the best and most love and appreciation in life and i encourage you to forget me. Or at least not think of me often. I do not even know who or what i was to you. All i wanted was to make you feel happy and loved but i guess i was pretty incapable of that much of the time lol. I hope you can reach what i wanted. hypothetical",Suicidal +27137,"I often ""joke"" around people who are supposed to care about me and even people I just spend a lot of time with (work colleagues). I always make comments about how I do not want to be here any more but say it in a light hearted way as if I am joking... I am not. I mean it every time. Sometimes what actually damages me the most is some of my ""loved ones"" complain and say things like ""I hate when you say things like that it is so annoying"". does not really give me the motivation to stick around I hope for. I am not after attention I just wondered if anyone else got these reactions. How do I explain??",Depression +27138,i do not know why am i depending on emotional support so much when i literally grew up without them i mean i lived without it for so long and yet its the very reason that hits me hardalso i know that this subreddit is super supportive and all but idk nothing beats people you know irl and this whole healing journey/ adulting in general is so freaking lonely and the way i push ppl away and get defensive eventually gets me later fmlidk i just feel miserable with everything and to make it worse in this pandemic with the never ending lockdowns i-i do not know bestie if you have some light pls help me its depressing how much emotional support i need to feel enough,Depression +27139,"I wish people were more honest and told me how they really feel. I wish I was treated the way I deserve to be treated. I wish my parents beat me as a child instead of trying to nice, bc all I really feel looking back at myself is that I deserved to be slapped. Still feel this way about myself today. I just wish people did not lie so much about how they feel about me. At this point I think all the compliments I have ever been given were just lies and pity. Truth is I am a fucking disappointment and I wish I was treated as such. I do not know why anyone bothers to hang out with me. I do not know why anyone pretends to like me. People admit to disliking me when I push them enough, why even put up a fake feeling in the first place? I am direct with people why cannot they be direct with me? I wish people were completely honest. Hey I actually find you hella annoying and I just hang out with you bc your really fucking clingey and its impossible to get you away from me why not just say that? I wish people were more mean to me",Suicidal +27140,I certainly have and hope you all are more resanable than me. Have anyone else felt like you would accept and stay in an abusive relatioship for the smallest amount attention and appretiation?,Depression +27141,"it is like talking into a wall. I briefly mention that I just got done crying over someone and I am having a really bad day? It gets ignored. I get ignored. I could be crying under my blanket around my family and no one suspects a thing. They just carry on like usual. I cannot tell people how bad I really feel without feeling like I am going to get ignored again. I sometimes vent on Instagram and does anyone care? No, but they did at some point. I sound like a broken record everytime I vent because no one heard me vent about the same thing the first time. I fucking hate feeling alone. I always give obvious hints that I am not doing okay and no one has ever checked up on me.",Suicidal +27142,I have two physical chronic illnesses in addition to my mental illnesses and it all just fucking sucks. they are both invisible illnesses and no one ever understands Chronic illness fucking SUCKS,Suicidal +27143,"If I die, is there a way to make sure my family does not carry any of my burdens, such as paying bills? I have the money to pay the bills, but when I die, they will not necessarily stop. Even though I cannot stand them, I do not want to have to worry about my final responsibilities. Dying and Burdens",Suicidal +27144,I do not know what it is but every Sunday without fail I feel super depressed. Somehow it just feels like such lonely day. Sunday is the most depressing day of the week,Depression +27145,Most days I sit with a knife at my wrist and pray for myself to go through with it but its too hard. Just hope it gets so unbearable that its the only way out Wish I had the balls to do it,Suicidal +27146,"This is just a rant/vent post so I do not want any advice. Every single time my mom says this, I keep having to hold myself back from saying ""Life is not short enough."" In my opinion life is way too long especially if you struggle mentally. there is no way I would want to spend extra time living in this horrible world with a brain that does not function properly. I never feel like doing anything even on the days I actually feel better. I am just so burnt out on life, you know? I just want out of it, but I do not want to kill myself either. [NAW]""Life is too short.""",Depression +27147,"Some context here, I joined this subreddit about two months ago during a very deep depression that was lasting half the year. Depressed because of PTSD, Anxiety, and the obvious Major Depression. I did a ketamine treatment and also started smoking roughly 2 weeks ago and it is gone! The depression has finally lifted!",Depression +27148,"I have said this to my parents, who always refuse to acknowledge my coping mechanisms, but I want to ask others. Do negative thoughts somehow help you cope with your depression? Because somehow it helps me. Negativity helps me.",Depression +27149,"All i ever wanted was to make people happy, have fun experiences with someone i love, and to be genuinely *part* of something, something that valued in and makes me feel like a person. I guess I am just not built for any of those at this point. I feel like an invisible ghost doomed to be ignored and only be recognized or remembered out of pity, fear and depressing memories. I feel so disconnected from everything in my life, it feels like someone elses life that I have been shoved into . with everyone I have ever met i loathe the role i play in their life and it feels so wrong compared to what it could be. that is why at this point i wish i could be forgotten. I do not want to be remembered like how i was in this life. I wish i could be erased or just not thought of. I do not know where it went wrong. I always liked my dream life better than my real life tbh. i hope somehow the one in my head is realer than the solid physical one. Imagination makes me feel more, its given me more experience n impacted me more, n i feel closer to all the fake people I have made up in my mind than with real people. Maybe if i die it will be like my heaven or some shit. I am tired of this reality. I am just tired in general. I feel like an old crippled woman and I am deadass only 16 I just want to be forgotten about by everyone",Suicidal +27150,"idon't have friends and it hurts being lonely.idon't really like people. everyoneimet is just not the type of personiwould like to hang out with and be happy.iused to have friends but never felt complete,iwas never happy and did not share their interests.igo trough myinstagramfeed and people are all having fun during summer. everyone has someone and looks happy.iknow people say social media is not real and all, butidoubt it is completely fake.ialso pass by McDonald's and teens are laughing and having fun andistart crying becauseinever had that andinever will. latelyibarely go out because going out makes me more depressed.ilost all connections,icould try to reach out to someone but it is just pointless.istarted todaydreamfor hours. sometimes whole day.i'mpathetic. wheni'mnot daydreamingi'mwatching stupid videos onyoutube.ifiwould ever reach old ageiwould hate myself for this.ikid you not, if you counted hoursispent daydreaming and watchingyoutube, it would be in months or even years.ifucking hate myself.i'malsosociallyanxious and struggle withselfesteema lot. it is justtoo muchfor me to withstand.ican't take this anymore.i'vebeen thinking about killing myself everyday for the past 6 years or so.i'mscared. what if there is hell and it is worse than this and you cannot escape from it?idon't know what to do anymore.ihopeichoke on chicken. fuck me no friends, no personality, no hope",Suicidal +27151,"Death, violence, pain. It does not bother me when others feel it.And I do not even care, it feels weird. Callous",Depression +27152,"So I am just tired of my life and want to die. Basically I am depressed because of my emotionally abusive father, failing at college (on the verge being drop out because Ill probably not be able to finish my final thesis on time), and I have experienced a very traumatic unsafe abortion that still haunts me till this day. I know I should get help but therapy around here is shit (I have tried). I have around a month left before all hell breaks loose (getting dropped out of college + family will be enraged + I still have nightmares about past trauma). The question: should I just enjoy living for a month and kill myself or try for a month to do all the responsibilities? But if the latter fails, I will probably end up killing myself. The thing is, a part of me still wants to see if I can fight these problems but the other part of me just want to die. I do not know what to do. Should I continue to try to live or give up?",Suicidal +27153,[ Hopefully someone can take something from my experience...,Depression +27154,"What is there to life now? Why am I alive?The planet is on fire. The point of no return with climate change is soon.I hate my job. does not matter where it is. The job itself does not make me happy. It makes me hate myself for picking it.I will never be able to afford a home where I grew up. Housing is unafforable.I likely will not find a partner. I tried. I fail. I guess I will keep trying.I am stuck mentally. I just do the same routine every day. I cannot ever progress.I am so bored. So alone. Nothing makes me happy. I just go through the motions until I sleep. Repeat the same process.Medications, therapy, exercise only mask reality. Deep down I hate myself for existing. I want to die. I Have No Future - I Want To Die",Depression +27155,You all should be ashamed of your selfs... 100s of followers.. she came here.. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON REACHED OUT My wife came here for help,Suicidal +27156,"I think because I am alone, its always the day I wish I could just die. However, I never do it because I do not want to ruin that holiday for my friends or family members. I do not want my mom to hate Fourth of July forever because she lost me. So instead I just lay in my bed and drink and pretend everything will someday get better, when we all know it never fucking gets better. I always want to kill myself on holidays",Depression +27157,i need to get my girlfriend help. I am so fucking scared that it is going to be too late and if something happens to her I am going to feel like it is my fault for the rest of my life but not even that i do not know what the hell i would do without her. our relationship is long distance so i do not know how i can get her help. she says she does not need it but if you are suicidal yes you do I am so scared please leave any suggestions you have i do not know how I am going to get through this how do i get help for someone who is suicidal?,Suicidal +27158,"I do not know much about posting in general so bare with me. Recently, my friend who is 15 told me about how 2 years or more back, her friend told her about how she was considering suicide, after which she kept saying things like ""are you ok"" constantly and similar things. Now she regrets not having done anything better like asking if she needed someone. She said she did not want to ask too much because she did not want to hurt her and was scared. Now, recently, she blames herself on a what if scenario, saying that if things had gone bad, she would have been potentially responsible for not saving her friend. Apparently her friend was a great friend and she does not consider herself one. I honestly do not know what I should be telling her as I am the only one she is informed. I do not know what I should be telling her to say to her friend either because I do not know if I am qualified too. Any advice? My friend seems depressed and I do not know what to say",Suicidal +27159,"Background: I have had depression and anxiety for ten years. Particularly bad episode this last month. About a year ago I came very close to taking my own life and recently have been back on drinking and taking pills to numb pain. Have also been self harming.My doctor surgery has a policy that to make an appointment you have to call at 8:30 in the morning and they will give you and appointment for that same day. Have been ringing them for weeks but the phone line is always busy. Rang them outside of the 8:30 window and told them I have been trying to make an appointment for weeks, that my mental health is severely deteriorating and I need to speak to my doctor as soon as possible. They said they cannot offer me an appointment unless I call at 8:30am (in the past, I have managed to get appointments outside of this time if its urgent but the woman on the phone was not being helpful). She said to go online and fill out a form. I did, and specified that I am feeling suicidal. They said someone would come back to me within a few days. A week passed and I did not hear back so I emailed them to complain and asked why my mental health is not being taken seriously. They did not respond and still have not. My therapist told me she does not know what else she can do for me and she thinks I need to see a psychiatrist and she will write a referral letter. I asked her when it would be ready and she said in a day or two. did not hear anything back from her after a few days so emailed her and she said she forgot to clarify, that she was going away for ten days and so would do the letter when she returns.Contacted my private healthcare and spoke to the doctor there (did not call them initially because my NHS GP has all my medical history and was the one who started me on my medication). She prescribed antidepressants. The system on the private healthcare app glitches so the prescription was pending and had not been sent to the pharmacy so I cannot pick up the medication. Will take days or weeks to resolve this, as this has happened in the past. Even if I do get the antidepressants they will take weeks to kick in.Called private healthcare again and asked for a direct referral to a psychiatrist. They authorised it but out of the five psychiatrists I contacted for a consultation, all either did not come back to me or told me they are not taking on new patients. All the effort to keep calling doctors and writing emails is more than I can bear as I am not eating at all and am paralysed from the depression. So the fact that I am trying and getting nowhere is really defeating.Last night I had severe panic attacks on a busy street, to a point where people were asking what I had taken because I was so paranoid and was not in my right mind. I had not taken drugs, I was just having a nervous breakdown. I could not breathe for HOURS because the panic attacks were constant, one after another. At least four strangers called an ambulance but the ambulance said they will not come because they are too busy.Today, I called NHS 111 and was spent the whole day speaking to various agents who would take me through the same set of questions each time. No help. Just passed me around from doctors to mental health services with no outcome. Finally, a doctor told me she made an appointment for me at the urgent care centre. I told her I did not have the strength to leave the house but she urged me to go, due to my state. Got to the hospital and they have no record of my appointment and so the nurse booked me in as crying for no reason. I was in such a state I could hardly speak but I did say I was having panic attacks all day so not sure why she trivialised it. She said the wait time is over two hours so I was back to being surrounded by strangers while continuing to have uncontrollable panic attacks. I left the hospital because I felt too sick/exposed to stay there in that room for two hours. Called NHS 111 again and had to go through the same questions that I had already had to answer five times today. Told the guy on the phone that I have been trying to get help for weeks and no one will help me and all he kept saying is do you feel your symptoms are getting worse since you last called us. What else am I supposed to say to them? I have been struggling to breathe for 18 hours straight, to a point where my throat is raw from where I have been gasping for air. I have expressed over and over that I am feeling suicidal. I hung up because I realise I was going round in an endless circle.There is nowhere else for me to turn now. My story",Suicidal +27160,I want to get therapy but i feel like I am such a bitch for wanting it. I was going to do online but i said fuck it because i feel like i have nowhere in my home where someone cannot hear me talking. Want help,Depression +27161,"I have been taking an anti-depressant for a little over a year and I have not gone a day without taking it since my pharmacist said if I skip a day I will experience mania. Well my prescription was running low so I called it in to be filled but it is been on ""prescriber authorization"" so my pharmacist loaned me 3 pills to get me through. I broke them in half to make them last longer so now it is been 6 days and still it is ""prescriber authorization"" and the pharmacy is closed for the holiday. I am scared of what is to come. Anyone have advice for a potentially manic depressed person? Manic episodes",Depression +27162,"Been depressed for the lasr 4 months and considering myself i have depression(I have not go to a psychiatrist to prove it) but I assure I am truly am. Been self loathing for a while. Dirty bed sheets, unorganized closet, but the worst of all is as I am writing this post I have not brushed my teeth for a whole month(you heard that right). I mean what is the point of being hygenic if you never leave your house. Parents critically criticizing you, leaving friends left on read, I just do not see the reason to be clean if I do not even deserve validation. I am unhygenic as fuck",Depression +27163,He was in a cat accident and they think he fell asleep at the wheel. He was not wearing his seatbealt as usual. I had planned to reconnect with him since we have not talked in a while and now its too late. I do not even know how to feel. It hurts so much. My godfather passed away last night,Depression +27164,I really try and be positive. I am naturally a positive person but my illness takes that away. I feel like a burden to my family. I am the one they have to baby sit. I am the one that ruins their good days. I am a drain on their happiness. I am a mess. I contribute nothing. I am just a sack of shit in my opinion. I am the 21 year old grandmother who sits in her room all day and cannot fulfil her basic needs. I feel like a baby bird who needs her food chewed. I feel like the embarrassing cousin everyone talks about. When I try to act like a normal human I become exhausted within 20 minutes and need to sleep for half the day. When I try and go outside in the garden I enjoy it but every little noise makes me jump and I am dizzy from anxiety. I was so strong before and now I am nothing. I use to travel on my own and volunteer in different countries. I have had some crazy experiences and now the thought of leaving the house terrifies me to the point of a breakdown. I have missed two doctors appointments because I cannot handle going. I shake when my mum takes me on drives to encourage me to explore. She asked me to check if she was in the lines when she was parking and when I opened the door I just started to cry. I cannot handle anything anymore. I do not like anything about myself,Depression +27165,"I tried to kill myself a couple weeks back. As I am writing this, in fact, I am trembling with temptation, spiralling into only the start of a dreadful depressive episode.It was horrendous, I was looking over that wall, scraping it with rage, my nails collecting the crumbs of cement underneath them.I was on the third floorOf my school building.Id just run out of the deputy principals office. Why was I there? I do not quite remember. Could be a few things. But she was taking too long, my head overflowing with suicidal thoughts, I bolted.Next thing I knew I was looking down. The cement on the floor, the tree, I could just reach from the wall the leaves cold and wet, so were my fingers, my eyes, stinging, so very sore from holding back so much emotion, they were sensitive to the touch, freezing cold rage streaming down my cheeks, my will to live fading before my eyes as I went to thrust myself over something, someone, pulled me back.My deputy principal, smiling back at me, gripping my arm firmly.Please I pleaded. She quietly and gently but forcefully led me down to her office and talked to me with the councillor.One thing I will never be able to wrap my head around is that, that wall,Is right next to a staff room. With staff in it. Teachers. Adults, were in there.And I know, I saw them. Not one even thought to even ask me why I was out of class.I am not at all ok, at the moment. But so so so many good things have happened since then.Just remember that,Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.And if everyone has forgotten to tell you this, you are awesome, and I love you. I hope this helps someone out there. I am Scout, I am 16.",Suicidal +27166,"I just want to die, life is not for me. I remember a time when I was younger and I was happy being alive but that time is over. The reasons to stay alive have slowly dwindled into an empty void absent of hope. I cannot find meaning, I cannot find passion, and I cannot find love. I am not horribly ugly or socially inept or have an illness that causes me pain, there is not anything ""wrong"" with me I just do not have the right thoughts that make being alive worth the energy. There are a couple of conditions that could change and I would be fine with living, but the painful reality that I do not have the ability to create these conditions is becoming more apparent as time goes on. Maybe this will change as I get older, maybe it will not, but we all die one day, and I am fucking tired so why cannot I just end it here. There is not anything that makes me want to get up in the morning so the only reason I do it is the fact that killing myself would leave my family with immeasureable pain, and if suicide was seen differently I would be able to cease my suffering without hurting the people I am closest to, just let me die for fucks sake why must I continue to exist. I wish people did not make such a big ""thing"" out of killing yourself and you could just do it whenever",Depression +27167,"Lotta background you do not actually need but if you are curious, its all right there:Long story not-so-short, i have 20 years solid of trauma and health conditions that put me in debilitating pain and unable to move a good third of the time. I have been to a few therapists, was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, largely ignored my last one, was on meds for a brief while and stopped because my psychiatrist (second one btw) said i was making up side effects. After that, i stopped trying. Not just in therapy but also in life. I barely graduated high school (even just a short year earlier having held valedictorian status), i have not been employed in almost 2 years, i smoke weed and cry all day. Every day. Naturally, I have been thinking about therapy again. More accurately, i called every place near me, and after a few months had an appointment with an old ass white man. So in this one appointment, we went over intake and then he said i had not been honest enough, i should just go on medication, heavy medication, and therapy would not help me. Fun perspective considering how hard my former psychiatrists pushed for me to be in therapy, but whatever. It just got me to thinking...... Wow. He did not have a single thing to offer. To recommend medication is one thing, but telling me i would not get anything out of seeing a therapist is something I have never once been told before in my life.Then i thought about my past therapists. Like the family therapist we had seen after my mom remarried. One of the group issues was boundaries, i ended up having a break down about not wanting to be near the family members who had been molesting me for years. Her response? ""Oh, i get it. I was a middle child too, it is so hard to be heard."" Yeah, that reeeeeeally was not it.The next one was before trying to kill myself, i had gone to two appointments and had just finished up the intake. There was a lot i had not disclosed, but quite a bit of issues i had. When i went in to my third appointment, she told me there was no reason for me to be in therapy, i was not depressed, i was entirely fine, wasting her time, and i needed to leave, but it is okay because since we will not be doing the appointment, she would only be charging insurance and not charging my mom her copay.After my suicide attempt, i was required to see another. I feel a little bad about my experience with this therapist, but ultimately i saw her entirely silently for three months (it was a big organization and another woman did my intake). At the first appointment she had given me a ball of yarn and held the other end, ""so we could feel connected through the silence."" I knew she was not the one then, but my mom insisted i keep going. I think at the third? appointment, she had shown me videos of people shaking to relieve ptsd. Yup, i declined doing that verbally. Several times, as she kept asking, one time saying ""i do not even have to touch you,"" which should a fucking given even if i did actually have a therapeutic relationship with her. As time went on, i was shocked she had not notified anyone that i was not actually part of therapy at all, so i had gone in and asked her what she was writing on the insurance forms (bc you need a vague appointment description for insurance to cover it). She said that on the first forms she had written that we were getting to know each other and building trust, but that now she had been writing that we were learning coping skills. I replied, ""so you have been lying?"" And she looked shook, stumbled on words for a second, and quietly nodded. After that, i kept telling my mom i did not want to see her, eventually she said i did not have any good reason to stop, and i asked if my therapist never reaching out to let her know i was not talking was a good enough reason. My last appointment was the following day.My next therapist seemed okay ig, she was at the same facility as my psychiatrist who i stopped seeing, and i figured it would be easiest to just never go back there. Tbh in those 2 or 3 appointments though, the only thing i remember her doing was giving me packets to read.While in the hospital, all we did was group therapy, where no one really talked and i was told there was no reason for me to be crying.So all in all, I am really feeling unable to live and everyone just says to go to therapy. So what the fuck was i supposed to be getting out of therapy? What do they have to offer? Because so far it is actually so little that it hurts. What did your therapist have to offer?",Depression +27168,"Hi everyone, I am in a country where they are imposing a lockdown and I feel like it is going to go on for months. For the past few weeks, I am starting to realize that it is affecting me. I have been super tired, have insomnia too, randomly crying and feeling heavy? I am easily irritated too. The negative things going on around me is kind of affecting me as well because I am sensitive and I feel upset that I cannot help these people struggling? Can anyone suggest me things to keep me sane when you cannot go out? I am talking to my college counsellor though, not often because of a short semester. it is the random bursts of tears and insomnia that gets to me. The lockdown is getting to me",Depression +27169,"not sure if this is the best place for this but here me please...i can NOT live in the house i am in any longer My parents are not abusive per say BUT they can say the most soul crushing things in 5 year y'know... the pain really builds up over time i just want to live with someone who respects who i am and what i stand for, simply and truthfully. I was holding the knife last night and i was soo damn close to ending it all. while i do not have a job now I promise ABSOLUTELY PROMISE to get one ""there"" i know this post will get me nowhere but i am 19 and i live in Oakville, Ontario, Canada god bless all you angels and sorry for wasting your time Truly i am... LAST DITCH CALL FOR ..help... forgive me for asking",Suicidal +27170,"I have been destroying myself over the past few years. Destroying my own body, mind and reputation. Distancing myself from everyone and everything I love. I do not have any dreams or hope. The trauma, low self esteem, anxiety and depression are slowly eating me alive.I am a disappointment to my family, friends and myself.I do not have any reason to live anymore.I just want to die, that is the easiest way out of this mess. My 17th birthday is next week and I sure hope to finally be brave enough to just end it all. I am tired of everything",Suicidal +27171,"I am a bubble floating through a vast empty void. I do not know what to do. I wake up every day and do the exact same thing. I feel a heavy force pulling me deeper into my home. The anxiety I feel over thoughts of leaving my fortress gives me physical pain. I have no purpose to move in any direction except back and forth. I sometimes feel that I am losing grip on reality. I feel consumed by the screens in front of me. Dependent on them for warmth. I write to myself every day, just like this. Today I decided to allow the public to digest my psyche. Perhaps to give me a better understanding of myself through unbiased eyes. I am gripped with fear. There is a xenomorph hammering my inner chest plate. Please do not judge me harshly. I am always alone. I should clarify; I have an elusive partner. My partner is an alcoholic drug user with a gambling addiction. They are also a hell of a go getter with a can do attitude. Observance prevents me from assimilation. Sex is a drug purchased with guilt. We have brief moments together where we exchange pleasantries before going about our days.They have a demanding job but are payed sufficiently well, all things considered. I do not have a job. I have had jobs. Too many jobs. I counted once. 22, I believe. My plethora of different career paths has been both a blessing and a curse. I am well read with a variety of skills. I feel consistently overlooked. I am average height. I feel my partner has resigned themselves to the inevitable descent into drinking alone at the video poker machines. We are both 32. My partner is well liked in the community. I am a shadow. I make the rare appearance at a function or two. I typically do not eat. My choice to eat or not to eat will be my martyrdom. I have not pinpointed why my body has become the offering. Although, I can provide a generous list of options. People seem to enjoy my company and compliment me on my looks and body. I am clean, well dressed, and have been told I have an intimidating presence. I hold a conservation well and have good comedic timing in the moment. My jokes are dry. Much to my dismay, I am not a large person. I am frail. I feel myself diminishing. My soul is drifting towards the event horizon. My partner and I played jeopardy once. The fight lasted for a week. I question my memories. When I speak of fortnight's passed, my words are taunted, belittled, questioned, or worst of all... Ignored. A victim chooses to be a victim. The poor choose to be poor. The path was paved for a different vehicle yet only I am to blame if I cannot pass. The fault is mine. My mind drifts through consciousness. Nicotine and constant vigilance vibrate through my sleepless body. My fears are desperate for attention. I exist only for brief entertainment when all else fails. I am the sideshow to a sideshow at a zoo. My only solace is found by translating thoughts into little notes that I leave for myself. Even now I question the weight of my words. My screams are yawns to the deaf. Wailing is no use when I am trapped in a bubble, floating through a void.Please advise. Please advise.",Depression +27172,"I read so many stories on here of people who were assaulted, abused, have no loving family and all kinds of things. I do not really have a reason to be depressed other than that humanity just sucks in general. I am pretty smart, caring and I try to be a good person (I do not agree with it because of depression, but it does seem to be true), and yet I am still depressed. Is there a reason I am depressed?",Depression +27173,Everyday is impossible. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Sleep is the only good part of my day. Waking up is hell. I have lost everything. And it keeps getting worse. How do I start over I am 44 years old. I had it all now I have got to learn to live with nothing. I just cannot I am having a breakdown inside of a breakdown,Suicidal +27174,"Since I was 17, I have always been scared of getting old. When I was 17, I wanted to die before 18. I thought I would not make it past 24 so I did not take my life seriously lol. I chose a random major and stuff. I never had or have any goals or prospects.Since I was little my parents enrolled in any classes I wanted at my behest: piano, guitar, karate. They got me expensive piano and drums, never had the commitment to learn. Very lazy, spoiled and used to getting everything done by someone else.After finishing my useless Major, I moved to Australia where I can live well by working as a waiter lol. But if I want to stay longer I have to do a new Bachelor that will take 4 years, by then Ill be 32 or something and that legitimately creeps me out.I am 26 and I get happy when people tell me I look 20.In one month I will be 27. I am not a successful person so that gives me more excuses to end it all.Besides I do not want to be old because my personality does not match older ages. I am super childish and I want people to remember me as such. I am super lazy, procrastinating, spiritless. It is my most sincere belief that I am approaching my expiration date lol.I would like to know if anyone else feels the same I do not want to live past 29",Suicidal +27175,"First of all, sorry for my english. I swear I tried, I still try, but this life is beating the sh.it out of me. Everytime I make a little progress, it never lasts because my depression, anxiety, and mostly my eating disorder (bulimia) are too strong. They do not want to leave, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. I had several therapists, psychiatrists, I tried different meds, but nothing seemed to work. Well, something worked for a bit but then I fuc.ked things up again becausI deeply hate myself and I feel the urge of autosabotaging and hurting myself. I do not remember the last time I was happy. I have been bullied and marginalized all my life (mostly for my looks), I have never had a real friend or a partner, so basically I never felt loved/appreciated. My relatives are quite indifferent to me. Like they make me survive (because atm I do not have a job) but they never ask how I feel or what is bothering me. I also crave human warmth and human contact but I have none around me who can hug me during my darkest days. I hate the way I look so much, my face is asymmetrical and my body is not the best, that is why I will never find someone who will love me and I swear that I am so so tired of being so so lonely. I attempted suicide in the past and now I wish I had the courage to try again, but I became a complete coward. I am a piece of worthless lonely ugly trash and I am just a waste of air. I hate all this. 23F I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle against life and against myself, but I am tired and I want to give up",Depression +27176,"This place is full of crushing facts of real life, ""I feel you bro"", nonsense encouragement and of course the ever present ""do not kill urself, you are so fucking precious"". Not one person here can seriously argue against or give actual advice on the aforementioned problems that because people to be suicidal. All due respect but what are we doing here? The only things that this place provides are the honest truths about how awful life is. I become more and more suicidal each time I read this subreddit. Anyone ""feels"" me? SuicideWatch...",Suicidal +27177,"I have been considering suicide for a while but I do not really want to do it, I just want to be happy. But if I am going to wake up everyday for the rest of my life feeling like this, Id rather kms honestly. I want to get help before its too late but I do not know where to find any. I do not want to tell my friends or family bcuz I do not want them to worry about me, I want a counsellor or a therapist but I cannot get one Where can I get help",Suicidal +27178,"I lived with my mother until I was in my early 20s and I was emotionally abused by her and went through emotional trauma throughout my childhood, teens and early 20s. On the other hand, I always had a good relationship with my father and have always been close to him although we do have a lot of communication problems, he is loving, supportive and a caring person. I am now living with him and have not had any contact with my mother for 4 years. I was diagnosed with BPD last year.When I was living with my father in my early 20s during the night sometimes I would wake up and go into his room and get in bed with him. To me I guess it felt like a huge blanket of safety and comfort and that no one could harm me anymore. He got into a relationship about over a year ago (his first ever one since his split from my mother which was about 10-11 years ago) and obviously they had had a conversation about it because he told me that I needed to stop getting into his bed at night. The questions/thoughts that are repeating in my mind are:'**In my early 20s why did I still feel the need to get into bed with my father?**''**I do see it from others' perspectives why it would look wrong and inappropriate**' '**Why did in my mind I still feel like and sometimes still feel like a child when I am 26 years old**'**I have now stopped doing that but I still do not know why it is bothering me.** This is bothering me",Depression +27179,"haha, first it was depression, now this, good god! I thought about it so many times, My brain feels as if I am faking my suicidal tendencies!",Suicidal +27180,"I have been thinking about it and likely going to try finding a dealer to buy it from since Los Angeles definitely has drugs. My future just is not feasible because of student loan debt and the expenses of rent, and I am not sure if I can even join the military to start a new life due to my 5150 years ago.I would like someone to talk to. Suicide hotline is really just there to ensure you do not kill yourself in the there and now. Suicide by Fentanyl",Suicidal +27181,Been relaying on optional sedative pills for battling anxiety.Right now I finally felt peace. I have not felt actually relaxed for a long time. I am proud of myself for staying alive during rough moments. First time in five months I do not have the urge to take sedative,Depression +27182,Its so sad. I am only happy when I am at work. I absolutely love my job but on my days off I am gutted with loneliness. I love being around people but because of the work laws I cannot pick up work everyday. Today I am trying to desperately to pick up a shift but there is nothing. I begged people to swap me. I need other hobbies and friends outside of work. I hate not working,Depression +27183,"My consciousness has a finite and limited span of existence. If I am careful and lucky I have approximately 18,000 days left. That said, my cognitive abilities will start declining, if I am lucky, within 9,000 days. Saying nothing of my other faculties. I spend the majority of that time sleeping, ""working"" for money, resting, and in pursuit of my appetites.The way my imagination works does not lend itself well to words nor drawings and I do not currently have great skills with either. I cannot transfer information to others quickly or easily. Even if I am careful in how I express my thoughts, I cannot control for noise and bias in those who receive it. If I were to try to implement many of my ideas into reality it would take a substantial commitment of my time with a risk of no return. Not to mention the physical and mental impact such a task requires. Much easier to spend my time feeding my appetites and seeking distraction.I am a prisoner of time and space. I do not know what crime I committed, if any, but I am living out my life sentence regardless. Alone",Depression +27184,"Its like the more depressed you are the more they shun and ghost you. I do not really have any friends and the only texts and calls I have got the last few weeks have been from my dad, who is the only one to actually care , and spam risk/ solicitors . I had a friend I have known for a few years and we use to hanging and talk on the regular . Well in March he got a new job and with his fianc and son I knew I would not see him or talk to him quite as much. Well its been 4 months and I have seen him twice for all of 20-30 mins each time. He never responds to my texts and calls anymore . We were supposed to have dinner a month ago bc I needed a friend to talk to. He knows I am severely depressed and suicidal, Well something came up on his end and he canceled. have not heard from him since and he will not return any texts or calls. My mom is a very super religious woman who thinks god can fix anything . Well even her Christian ass has ghosted me bc I am always so depressed and suicidal . Its like I did not choose to be this way. I cannot just snap out if it and cheer up. I do not want to be mentally lll, but since I am , its like people hate you for it. My mom is almost 60 and according to her has only been depressed for a very brief time in her life when she did not have a car for a month or so.SmdhI fucking hate people and society People hate you for being depressed and suicidal",Suicidal +27185,"That no one is responsible for my \_\_\_\_\_\_ and I myself is the sole because of it. I do not want others feel responsible, guilty about it. any ideas... How to make sure ....",Suicidal +27186,"Hey guys.First of all I wan't you to know that if reading about people recovering is something that puts pressure on you or triggers you in any way better stop reading. I know that back when I was severely depressed I did not want to hear from people that got healthy again because it made me feel like a failure because I could not seem to get there. it is totally fine if you ignore my post. I am just looking for advice from people that have overcome depression to hopefully find out that I am not alone with this. I got diagnosed with severe depression back in January 2018 after already suffering for 3 months without knowing what was up. I got on meds and into therapy, went through many ups and downs and finally went back to university in June 2019. Then in January 2020 I finally felt like I was completely my old self again, stopped taking my meds and going to therapy.The pandemic hit and of course it was hard for me to be back at home with myself after I was finally back out living life after almost two years. But I still think I managed it quite well. Down days were only normal down days (once you have had depression you really get the difference between being down like a normal person and being down like a depressed one) and they passed usually within half a week or so. But now to the reason of my post: they do not seem to pass lately. it is been over a month of me not feeling good. In the sense of: I get ""sick"" a lot (not sure if you know what I mean...it is actually being physically sick but knowing that it is rooted in you not wanting to get out of bed - if that makes sense?) I do not feel like meeting my friends and often cancel, saying I have to study - even tough I do not really plan on studying anyway. I do not seem to see the fun in things I normally like and if I do it fades quickly. I also do not sleep well - it is been a long time since I slept through a night. And of course the classic: I often feel useless and sad, even though I know that I have many people in my life that love me. So I know many of these things can be symptoms of depression. I also know that many of these feelings are also common in people who are not depressed. My problem is that I know how I was when I was depressed and it is not that bad now. So I do not think I am depressed again but it still worries me. I am just scared that it will come back - actually really scared. Because (I do not think I have to tell any of you) it is hell to be depressed. Has anyone else experienced this? I know statistically it is not likely that I will have another episode. Or does anyone have any advice for me? I am sorry if my post is confusing, I just wanted to vent somewhere because it is really hard to explain any of this to people that have never been depressed and also I do not want my family and friends to worry as long as it is not that bad... I am afraid of becoming depressed again",Depression +27187,I feel so lonely all my life. Without love of mum and dad. I miss it so much it hurts. They never cared. Both are dead already. Both were homeless. Never loved me. Abandoned me. I believe many bad things happened to me because I was left helpless without protection of loving family. I feel so lost in this world. I have a husband and live for him but I miss having parents and family stability terribly. At times I wish I was dead and not to feel this pain. Wish I had parents who loved me,Suicidal +27188,"I am prolly going to go hang my self later today, I want to stab the shit out of my brother because ever since he existed my parents only cared for him, every time he makes a mistake they are so nice, but for me they just constantly say how useless I am. I really do not see the point in living. Ill just give my important stuff to friends and depart from this miserable world. Bye Its normal to have urges to stab someone right?... right?",Suicidal +27189,"does anyone else feel like they are destined to die via suicide? like you know ur never going to get better, ur just waiting for that one push to end it all? but it does not make you sad, its comforting to know i always have that way out available to me hopeless?",Depression +27190,"I do not understand how I became like this, suddenly my lights are always turned off, I do not believe in happiness as in if I see someone happy I do not understand it, I do not believe it it is not as much as I am depressed more like I am normal , of course I am, just everyone else is acting ... I am normal except I was not like this, I remember 'wanting' to be with other people , 'wanting' a connection , ' wanting ' to make people smile It suddenly happened this year and also so so fast that at this point it is almost paralysing , a good day is a day I eat .. a great day would mean I take a shower ... I do not even have a question to ask, or an answer to seek , I just fucking want to get back to normale right fucking now, this does not add up, I am so angry and confused this is so fucking unfair Logically, I know it was not always like this,. Right ?",Depression +27191,"In the summer of 2020 I had a complete meltdown. I have had breakdown's in my mental health before. I have dealing with depression since I was a teenager. But this time was different. It got to the point where I had visit the doctors, and I was prescribed sertraline. I also had to tell my family, friends and employer. As I was no longer capable of hiding it. Fast forward a year later and in theory I'am better. I'am not on anti-depressants anymore. As far as my family and friends are concerned I'am back to normal. I'am not as bad as I was. but I still do not feel right. I do not understand why this happened to me. I do not know what causes my depression. Whenever I think about it I feel terrible and I breakdown into tears. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience? I could go and see a therapist. But I'am quite a private person. I do not really like sharing my problems with others. Thanks for reading Dealing with the aftermath of breakdown",Depression +27192,"I had a really horrible day. I have been taking a new medication for anxiety and have had depression and suicidal ideation in the past, but it has not been a major issue for some time, just very mild. Today, my friend who is watching my dog lost her for 3 hours. My ex boyfriend still has a number on one of her tags so I called him to tell him to answer the phone if he gets an out of state number. Luckily my dog was found, but my ex told me my friend was incredibly mad at me, and it turns out that my friend was pissed at me for underlying resentments about feeling unappreciated and the dog fiasco brought it to a head. My ex took this opportunity to try to resume communication with me and continued calling me throughout the day, and saying lots of things that he probably thought were benign, but were making me feel terrible and I kept telling him I was overwhelmed and upset because of my friend's sudden anger at me and a sense that I was a terrible person, because this friend is like family to me. My ex kept calling me and our conversation got more and more complicated and heated, and he ended up telling me I was burning bridges with anyone that cared about me, that I was selfish, that I did not appreciate anything he had done for me. We broke up over a year ago actually because he drank a lot and would yell at me and make me cry often, but for the last year after our breakup, he is been trying to 'improve' himself and 'repair' things with us, which I have not really been open to but felt guilty and continued lines of communication with him, which I regret doing because I am starting to realize that he can be manipulative and makes me feel awful. Our last conversation I kept trying to get off the phone, and he got more and more angry because he could tell, and I finally told him that apparently, I was an awful person and crazy, and he said, 'Well all my friends think so' and I said, if I am so crazy why do not you leave me the fuck alone? He hung up on me, and I messaged my friend telling my friend I was sorry if he ever felt unappreciated, I told him I had had a really bad day, was having a bit of a breakdown, and that I had been feeling suicidal today (only today, I had not had a serious feeling in a while) and my friend told me that he felt our friendship was built on a dysfunctional foundation. I started to feel like the foundation of my relationships (my friends, since I am estranged from my family) was all based on dysfunction and it was my fault. I started wishing I had the guts to take my life, and for hours ruminated over the pain and wish that I could have the courage to go through with it. After hours of agony, I called the suicide hotline, and within just a short amount of time I started to feel better. But yesterday was a complete waste, a complete drain, emotional and phsyical. I have so much work to do for school and for research in general, and I feel like my breakdown has set me back and I just cannot figure out how to get back on track. I feel almost like a hangover today (I did not drink yesterday but just one beer, which I made myself throw up because my stomach was hurting so badly) but an emotional stress hangover. I need to get back to work. How do you try to get back to normal life after such a tumultous day?? How to refocus after a disastrous day?",Suicidal +27193,"(Starting my senior year of college) - posted in r/suicidewatch as well. September 2017: Body dysmorphia leads me to believe I have gynecomastia. Plastic surgery research occupies most of my time. Turns out to be basically negligible and a case that goes away if I lose weight (learned this much later on).December 2017: After 6 scheduled (and cancelled) surgery dates with plastic surgeons to remove the gynecomastia, my parents recommend that I see our doctor and talk about depression. I oblige.January 2018: After my first visit with the doctor, I start taking Zoloft 25mg 1x/day.March 2018: I up the dosage to 50mg/day. Start complaining to doctor about ""emotional numbness"" and taper back down to 25mg 2x/day.April 2018: I am at a bar and get cold clocked (to this day I still do not know who hit me). Clean mandibular fracture and broken in two places. Wired shut for 4 weeks after that.August 2018: Decide I am good and that I do not need Zoloft anymore (was also very overweight). Go off the drug and two weeks later, I total my '01 BMW e46 M3 that I bought a year prior after running a stop light I did not see. T-boned a taxi.September 2018: Researching that Zoloft weakens bone density and increases risk of fractures by up to 75%. Thought of ""if you were not on Zoloft, your jaw would not have broken"" starts to grow in my head. call my mom on my birthday, mention suicide for the first time. She says I ""cannot leave this earth"" in tears.October 2018: Meet a new girl, we become boyfriend and girlfriend.April 2019: I buy a penis enlargement device ""just because"" to see if I can get any bigger for my gf at the time. And mind you, I was not insecure about my size to begin with, I just wanted to see if it could get bigger. I ended up suffering an injury from doing too much, too fast that left my penis in a ""hard flaccid"" state sometimes, and actually lost a bit of length and girth because of it. This leads to a lot of anxiety and depression that I still experience to this day.May 2019: Depressed, I decide to start Zoloft again. 25mg 1x/day.September 2019: I go off of Zoloft again. Girlfriend and I break up.October 2019 - January 2021: Working full-time, met another girl around Feb 2020 that I dated up until recently. Things we just OK. Covid did not make things any easier, but whatever.February 2021: I approach a urologist about the potential of Zoloft ruining my sex drive, and that is the reason I cannot perform like I used to. I start doing research and come across Wellbutrin. I start taking Wellbutrin 100mg SR 1x/day.March 2021: I go off of Wellbutrin.\*\*\*Wellbutrin 100mg/1x per day continues for month-long streaks coupled with about a month off. This cycle repeats itself for about 3 months up until the middle of this past June.\- - - - - - - - - - -End of June 2021: I come across a bunch of photos of myself a year or two prior to the gynecomastia/Zoloft phase. Look myself and love what I see. My face looked different. I remember my penis looking and functioning the way it used to. I remember the way my teeth pressed together when I closed my mouth, and how my jaw did not click everytime I opened it or when I gave my girlfriend oral.\*\*first scare here\*\* (July 2, 2021): I take my father's competition ruger out of the case next to his bed (I am at my parent's house here). I hold it. I look at it. I wonder... I do not cry or whatever. I try to fight. I try to think about what I can do differently, but nothing really happens. I put the gun back in its case, and I decide to light a bowl and get high. I pass out at the top of my parent's stairs until 2pm in the afternoon. I had off of work, and the rest of the family is at our vacation house, so I was home alone.July 3, 2021: I decide to do something, so I book a tee time and drop a 72 on 18-holes from the tips here at our home course, with a 33 (-3) on the back nine. Golf is a big passion of mine, and I have my own horror stories of trying to play in college/throughout highschool that I will not get into. I have played golf my entire life.\- - -July 4, 2021 (today):I wake up, depressed again. Not high this time, but I start reading about people on psychiatric medications and how it can permanently mess them up. I start thinking about everything, from how my dick is fucked up, to how my face looks different from a jaw fracture I suffered because I chose to take antidepressants (and how the SSRIs probably weakened my bone density), how I pissed away good relationships with good women. Everything.I go back upstairs and take my Dad's ruger out again. I look at it. This time I cry a little bit. I start to realize I am unstable and the only thing holding me back is that I really do not know how to operate a ruger, and the magazines are out (though there are bullets in the magazines). I frighten myself again, and put it back in the case. I cry to God a bit here and say ""I am really having a tough time here man. I do not know what to do.""10:24am July 4, 2021: I hit ""post"" here on Reddit, then grab my keys and head into town for my habitual coffee. Feeling a bit better after getting this off my chest. Been a tough weekend - home alone on July 4th - what is the point after you have thoroughly damaged your body/mind?",Depression +27194,I' could really use a friend right now to here me rant and fully disclose my situation.. I was cheated on. .,Depression +27195,"First off, Happy 4th of July to those celebrating ! Make a choice today to be free and choose to be optimistic. Even if your alone enjoy your own company, talk a walk, listen to podcasts, cook yourself a meal and take care of yourself. Watch the fireworks and vibe it out with friends, family, or even by yourself. Heads up, trust me you will get through this. I love you all, now go make it a great day! Quick Message to those who suffer from depression",Depression +27196,"i was not even supposed to live this long. i honestly cannot imagine a future for myself and i cannot imagine myself getting any older. i do not feel ready for the future or responsibilities. I have been depressed for a while and always thought i would die at 14 at most. well, surprise, i passed that age a while ago and now o do not know what to fucking do. i never bothered to actually figure out a future for myself and i have not had dreams or things i genuinely wanted in a long time. idk what its like to work for something and i cannot imagine myself actuslly being a functional human being. my next birthday is approaching and i do not want to hit it. i was actually doing better before, going to therapy, taking meds, trying to love myself and set goals and o thought things were finally looking up but then something broke and i gave in to the thoughts all over again. i do not know what to do but i feel like a future with me in it should not exist. it feels wrong for something like that to be real. i feel like this year is my expiration date",Depression +27197,"maximus came home almost four years ago, after enduring years of abuse. he was a 90 pound hunk of love who thought he weighed about 5 pounds. most handsome boy you have ever seen, a pitbull with the biggest block head that i love more than anything. he always had to be by my side, and i always had to be by his. i would lay on the floor with him any chance i had, and he would always angle his head down and just collapse his body into my lap. my boy loved to get dressed up- a bandana around his neck always made him sit up a little taller, and walk a little prouder. he got a rough start, having been used as a bait dog for the first half of his life. his body was permanently marked with scars from where evil scum had cut him repeatedly. when we found each other at the shelter, he had been there for 9 months and been adopted out and taken back quite a few times. ill never be able to wrap my mind around the fact no one else kept him, but I am so thankful they did not and that he waited for my family. he was missing almost all his teeth from chewing rocks, and was blind in his left eye. he has seen and experienced the worst humankind has to offer yet still had more love for us than you could ever imagine. he was my big, goofy, happy happy guy. the biggest regret i have is that i did not get to him sooner than i did. Maximus did not want to eat anything the past few days, and was more sluggish than usual. my mom took him to the vet yesterday just to make sure nothing was actually wrong, and they told us his red blood count was low and he needed a blood transfusion. it was serious but no reason he will not recover from it. we took him from there to emergency vet, where they ran tests and did scans. the vet said he has never seen anything like what was shown on those scans, that my sweet maximus was a very very sick little boy. the inside of his spleen was supposed to look like peanut butter, but instead it looked like chunky jelly with chunks and lumps he could not identify. his body had developed multiple tumors, which were cancerous. he had gone into tumor lysis crisis meaning that a large amount of the cancer cells that were comtained in these tumors died, and released their cancerous contents into his blood. they were killing his red blood cells and destroying the ability to regenerate any at all. his stomach had bloated 3x its normal size, even though it was just later in the day and yesterday morning it had looked fine. the vet discouraged us from treatment because he did not see any possible way maximus could recover- putting him on treatment would only prolong his suffering and ensure he passed painfully. which is cruelly ironic, as putting him on treatment would keep my suffering at bay. but i have to do right by my boy. hes been through too much and endured more than i can imagine, he was brought into this world in pain and i promised him when i brought him home he would leave it in love. i had to keep that promise. i love him more than it seems like my heart can handle, and making the right decision for him is the absolute utterly wrong decision for me. we got the vet this morning and despite not moving except to lift his head the past few days, he trotted off away from the building. i believe in the deepest place of my heart he knew what we were there for, and he was scared. he would not let me turn him around back toward it, and the most he would take was two steps toward the building and then sit back down. i sat down with him and just sobbed. the thought of not having that big brown baby rips my heart into shreds and pierces my soul. we finally got him inside after i just sat with him and talked to him for about 15 minutes. I have never wanted to simply wait in a waiting room longer, but they called us right back. i prayed that the doctor was tied up and would take a while before she got back there, but no sooner did i finish thinking that she came in. i felt myself detach from my body at that point. i cannot remember anything she said, but i know from the time she came in the room to the time she left the room was only about five minutes. my babys body was so tired, it had been fighting so hard for so long. he was gone before the injection to stop his heart was even finished. my world and heart suddenly felt so... empty. i was wailing in the vets office, the pain is so deep. the doctor told me our grief is only a reflection of our love, and i believe that 100%. i genuinely do not think i could love my boy even an OUNCE more because my little heart would give out. I am back home now, my other dogs do not understand why their brother is not here. i never ever expected my maximus to be the first to go. i have two other senior dogs, and maximus is the youngest. i felt so sure i had at least 3-4 more years with him, and i feel so robbed. i was not remotely prepared, i had zero clue this was coming. the one comfort i have is i do not feel remorse over the amount of time i spent with him. i do not feel like i wish i would have sat with him and pet him more because that dog was at my side constantly. any spare second i have I am laying with him. anywhere i go, hes the one that gets up in the car and rides with me. he loves a car ride. i always surprise him with a mcdouble, and the excitement he shows never ever ever gets old. I am not prepared for all of that to be a fond memory. I am scared, because i know in time ill forget how it felt to pet that big block head and i do not ever want to. i tried to memorize everything i could about the way he feels, so i hope its a long time before that happens. but for right now all i can think about is how it felt holding him and petting him and how it felt. I have been in a bad depressive state the past few weeks, and i do not know how I am ever going to feel okay again. maximus is my comfort, i seek him out when I am sad because of the comfort he brings, and now hes not here to comfort me when i need it the most. please be kind to me, I am not in a good place right now. Thank you for listening -K i had to say goodbye to my sweet boy today after finding out yesterday cancer is ravaging his body.",Depression +27198,"I am in Croatia right now with my family. It is very mountainous country. The moutains and cliffs are all around. Some of them are very very high and steep. During this week we are going to make a ride to see the views from the top.You know what I am going to do, right?If I will not write anything anymore on this reddit profile it means I am not here already.Please everyone, do not pray for me, pray for my family which i am going to teriblly hurt. I am so sorry everyone. If it all will go as I planned it, I will be dead in a week - my suicide on family vacations.",Suicidal +27199,"I want to make a short farewell video to my relatives before I off myself. I want to add a few funny clips because I do not want them to be just sad. Could you please share some, if you do not mind? Any funny short videos that you can share with me, please?",Suicidal +27200,"My life fucking sucks to put it simply constant pain all over everyday now I have got covid and been isolating 6 days, its getting to me I have started hurting myself i need to get out my room but I cannot i just do not know if i can carry on i hate myself I just want to die",Depression +27201,"I hate to call it an achievement but realistically I have to admit I am at a point again where things like this are not manageable for me at all, so I guess it actually is kind of an achievement: today I have managed to put all my dirty clothes in the wash and I took out the empty McDonalds bag which has been sitting in my room for months now despite feeling quite tired :) maybe that can motivate someone! :) Its the little things I guess",Depression +27202,"I am well aware that I fucked up my own life, albeit I did not realise that is what I was doing at the time. Not until it was too late.Fuck up one: Mental health. Just... fuck, man, I do not even know how to fix this one. I am just a damn mess. Everything overwhelms me, everything scares me, and I basically let fear win. I was bullied a lot in school, and had few friends, but I barely passed my GCSEs anyways, I got mostly Cs. But then my friends all moved on and moved away, and I failed A-Levels because of anxiety. I was too stupid to understand what I was doing, too afraid to ask my teachers what to do, and too afraid to even make friends that could help me out. It got to the point where I was taking more and more sick days until I just stopped turning up, because the fear and the hopelessness won out. I gave up. And then I never did anything else. The longer I sat at home being afraid, the worse it got, and not I do not even know **how** to be a regular person. How to look, act, talk... I just panic. I give up before I try.Fuck up two: I believed love was going to save me. I had a boyfriend, from the age of 13 to 24, and I had convinced myself, and he had convinced me, that he was going to make it okay. He was normal, so he got a job, and started helping me with small goals, but he also enabled me and I let him. He promised wed get a place together and someday get married, and I could either look after the home, or find a job when I was ready. Its pathetic, but it was easy and not scary, so I believed it. I let him spoil me, got used to him spoiling me, and believed one day it would just work out. That wed move in together and Id gradually stop being scared, that doctors would one day fix me, but I had time because my boyfriend/eventual husband would help. But then at 24 he left me, and I realised Id put every single egg in one basket. I had no savings, no social life, and no happiness. He was my everything. And I broke **hard** when he left.Fuck up three: I gave up, and I let my family enable and coddle me, as I did with my ex. This is fucking shameful to admit... But I am 27 now and I live with my mum. I have never moved out, because I planned to live with my ex, and he always promised we would one day. (He moved out of his parents house a year after we split.) I have never gone to college or university, because I do not know what I have the skills to do. I have never had a job, because although it was because of my own failings, my mental health is so shit now that I go to interviews and burst into tears out of fear. My brain just shuts off. I do not know how to care for myself, because my mum does everything herself, both because its easier than teaching me and does not want another person getting in the way, and because she loves me and wants to make it easier for me. I know she has my best interest in heart, but it just makes me hate myself more because I am useless. I am a scared child in an adults body and I hate myself for it.I know I have to change. I know I want to change. But finding a start point is hard. Fighting the bad days is hard. Fighting the urge to give up on everything, even life, is hard. The shame makes it harder, but I know I need, deserve, the shame, in order to force me to change. I keep hoping getting on the right meds will help... But fighting the doctors to change or even up my meds is like wrestling a bear, and they never actually do anything. The anxiety, the overthinking, the hopelessness, its all still there. I worry that my brain is permenantly broken.Maybe all I can do is change my life. But change costs money, and willpower, and I do not have much of either.All I know is, I am exactly the worst kind of person. The kind of person that is a waste of resources and money and time. I am sorry. I want to be better. I will try to be better. But I wish there was a guidebook for this.Thank you for listening. I fucked up my life, and now I feel stuck.",Depression +27203,-3+ weeks into extreme constipation. posable blockage due to ulcerative colitis had to stop taking psych-meds because they are most likely because. May loose job an insurance soon. May need surgery to correct. Can not afford surgery. Possible slow painful,Suicidal +27204,If I kill myself is life just repeats itself and I get to live this shitty life again and again and again. If I knew what happened after I die id have done it a long time ago. My biggest fear,Suicidal +27205,"My life is a mess,long term unemployed, Aspergers. have not dated in long time either. I spend all day on reddit. If I am not doing that I am at the gym or reading a book. I feel like a loser in my late 30s. Life",Depression +27206,"I do not know how many of you experienced this symptom of depression but it fucking sucks. I lost all interest in maintaining any social contact and I have lost the ability to enjoy anything. I feel a bit like a psychopath. I do not want to talk to anybody or meet with them, I do not want to have sex or even hug, I do not want to do any of my hobbies. My face has a blank expression constantly. I know I hurt myself and other people with my behavior but I Just. do not. Care. Anhedonia anyone?",Depression +27207,Like it is that easy to stop. I do not want to be alive anymore! Why cannot you understand that? Yeah it is going to leave a void in your lives. So what. that is life man. You want me to continue living in this hell just to make you happy? Not what makes me happy? Making me live in this fucked up life in suffering forever. Parents basically said stop being so suicidal...,Suicidal +27208,"Hey everyone, you know the drill, first time poster, on mobile, english not my first language, yada yada.it is been almost 3 years since i tried to take my life, lost an awesome job, lost almost 1 year of my life just locked on my room, still working on getting to therapy (no job, no money, no therapy). I know I am fortunate i had (still have) a safety net with my wife, and family (could not make it with out them) and I am getting my life on track now, i start a new job next week, my wife and i are finally in our home, I have lost weight (i did not eat, depression really takes a toll on your body, physically and mentally) but I am looking at life different know, its a really hard journey, but i want to say to all the people that read this, you matter, you can do it, suicide its not the answer, seek help, go to therapy ( i will do not worry), life is looking good for me, and it can be good for everyone, in the prhase of one of the best shows I have seen: It gets easier, everyday it gets a little easier, but you have to do it everyday, that is the hard part, but it does get easier. Things are looking good",Depression +27209,"i just had a mental breakdown and almost stabbed my troath, i got hit by my parents and idk what to do Help",Suicidal +27210,its just gone now cannot find the will to live,Suicidal +27211,Just tired of everything. Of my family life. My lack of friends and a s.o. I am far from where I wish I was at life at this stage. I am just done. I wake up every morning wish I had not woken up.,Depression +27212,"I have 30 paracetamol tablets (*500mg) currently next to my bedside. I am male, 22 years old, average height, and maybe a little over my recommended body weight. This feels like the easiest way out available to me but I have read that it is slow & painful and could lead to permanent damage when unsuccessful. I have been thinking about ending things for a while now. Honestly, in the past it was just a distant thought for the most part and I could just ignore it when I would think about it but over the past year and a half I have pretty much spiralled down to probably the darkest point in my life and it is pretty much all I have been thinking about. I feel like I am just a failure who has burned any potential future I had ahead of me, and I have even driven away close friends because of my poor decisions and my sometimes chaotic behavior recently. I really hate myself rn and am so disappointed in what I have amounted to. I have lost pretty much all motivation I had. The thought of suicide is starting to feel less abstract and more like a real potential outcome everyday. But the more real it feels the more I feel like there is no easy way out and I am scared of surviving and living with permanent damage to myself. A few months ago I tried cutting myself, but never even went deep enough to make a real threat to my life. I was confident I would be taking these pills only a few hours ago, but now that seems unlikely to me after reading more about it. I am kind of scared. Idk what to do. I never really thought this would be me, like feeling this way and posting on a forum like this. But here I am. Feeling desperate and defeated and I guess I am realizing I am going to be here a little longer. So I just need to get this off my chest as I do not really have anyone I am comfortable or confident enough to talk about this with irl. I am not really looking for a specific response or encouragement telling me not to do it but I do not mind any response. I just feel like I need to let these thoughts out into words and put them somewhere outside of my head. No easy way",Suicidal +27213,"so for awhile I have not been, yk 100% its been like that for years but two years ago is when everything kind of pushed me over the edge. I do not mean to get all daddy issues here but two years ago I saw my dad for the first time in six years, the circumstances on why I had to see him were not the best but who cares. The days prior leading up to seeing him again Id have panic attacks, it stressed me out thinking about him, it made me really tired and just did not feel like doing anything anymore, and when I saw him I blanked out. I met my younger half brothers (absolutely love them). A few weeks after is when shit started sinking in and it became overwhelming for me, I started attending school one day a week or not at all, Id have multiple panic attacks outside the school gate or silent breakdowns in my room and learning the things he did made me despise him. I could not bring myself to do things anymore. since then I have lost a bunch of people I once called friends, I dropped out this year at 17 and have no fucking clue what to do with my life I am going to be seeing him again in a couple days and I honestly do not know what to think or how to feel, I am just scared,tired and alone :/ Tired :T",Depression +27214,"I have been switching meds for what feels like every other week, I have been drawing and watching videos for hours every day. anything to keep my mind off of the real world. i have a ton of disorders and issues. I have waited and waited and tried to get better for 6 years. they say it will get better but its only gone downhill. i do not want to do anything. I have lost all my interests, drawing is just the only thing i can force myself to do. public school is starting in august and i had a panic attack just going to dollar general yesterday so i know that is not going to work out. i have to kill myself before school starts. my online friends have been slowly drifting from me and now i just talk to 1 every week or so for like 20 minutes. i have not had a single friend in real life for 2 years. nothing matters. I am not going to grow up to be successful or do anything meaningful, i barely even passed this year and felt physically unable to do most of my assignments (homeschool). all i do every day is go online and try not to think about life. nothing on youtube or reddit really interests me anymore though, I am still bored all the time. my mom took everything i used to self harm like 2 weeks ago. i have no coping mechanisms. my mom is ignoring me and my dad never talks to me anyway. what can i even do to get better? I have been hospitalized 5 times and it never helped even tho i cooperated and tried my best, I have talked to the hotline countless times but they never have decent advice and 1 girl told me not to talk to her there, I am forcing myself to go with my mom to the store to fight my anxiety, I have been trying to actually be hygenic for once but i get flashbacks (ptsd) every single time i shower, i draw if that is even a healthy coping thing, but what do i do? I am lost and so so so close to just letting go and giving up. what do i do?",Suicidal +27215,it feels like life and everyone i know is passing me by i feel as tho i will soon have nothing and nobody for me ill probably live and die alone too I am 21 with nothing to look to look forward to and maybe my other friend was right about me not doing anything with my life not accomplishing things maybe i was actually a mistake at birth it should have been me that died at birth at least my mother would have had a son she could be proud of. I am hoping someone shoots me and i bleed out or die instantly I am nothing good i cannot even do right for the woman i love and that hurts the most. i know posting on here will not do much but this is the only place to speak my mind where i do not feel insignificant or judged or weak. i cannot say any of this to the girl i want and that is one of the worst things loneliness,Depression +27216,"I plans with my friend for the 4th of July and she canceled last minute. All my other friends and family have other plans so I am alone for the Holiday. All I want to do is go to the mall, get a big Cinnabon roll and eat it in the Barnes and noble while watching the people shop. I know this would not benefit me in the long run but I cannot think of anything else to do with my time. I am really trying to kick my sugar habit bc I use it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. What are some positive things I can do alone today that does not include me laying in bed or drowning myself in sugar? I am not sure what to do with myself",Depression +27217,"I am having this overwhelming feeling lately that I am not right. I feel like the longer I go on the more broken I get. I feel like I am missing pieces, I do not know how to describe it properly. It almost feels horrific, the only way I can put it is like I have had a whole bunch of body parts amputated over the years and I feel irreversibly disfigured. But mentally. And not all at once, but gradually over time. Like one day I might wake up and look down to see my leg is gone or my hand is missing fingers. It makes me feel sick. Its like body horror but only I can see it or feel it. I will never be the same again and the further I go on the more mutilated it get. It feels like something puts me on a surgical table and injects me with a sedative so I cannot move, but I can still see and still feel it and then it straps me down and takes pieces of me and then throws me back out into the world to figure out how to come to terms with my new disfigurements. Its horrific but I am too numb and tired to scream or react. Its like a waking nightmare and no one can see it but me.I cannot explain it properly. But I am trapped in this feeling and I am silently horrified. But I am also tired. I just want to lay down and rest but the parts of me that allowed me to rest are gone now too, like having my eyelids removed. So I just have to shamble onwards, feeling like I am trapped in some Saw-inspired gauntlet losing piece after piece of myself to the grotesque traps to the point where I am not even sure I want to get out because I have been so irreversibly mutilated. I feel broken beyond repair",Depression +27218,"For some context, my relationship with my girlfriend of over 4 years has been a bit rocky lately, with the future together seeming uncertain. For the last week or so I have been really struggling to eat, with every bite I eat making me feel like gagging or a feeling that I am already full even if I had not eaten in over a day. Any tips or advice to help? Having Trouble Eating",Depression +27219,"I always shit the bed when I have to make major changes in life, so I put them on hold indefinitely and then feel guilt and self loathing. I also have anxiety. While my depression is manageable and I am functional (I do not feel a thing most days, I do not feel sad or happy, or anything at all), is this related to depression? I am planning to seek therapy once Corona dies down a little here. Is indecisiveness in anyway related to depression?",Depression +27220,"Ill try my very hardest and want to kill myself every time i fail but I will not until the end of the year. When i do fail, ill text my abusive ex one last time, telling them I am finally listening to them and killing myself. I just want friends so bad. I want to be able to not be alone. I want to have any reason not to do it. I cannot do this alone anymore Giving it the rest of this year to make friends, if I fail, then ill do it.",Suicidal +27221,"Everything is fucked everytime i go forward I go backwards in life everytime i try make something better it just comes backwards and smacks me harder i hate it life just gets worse with getting older, have nobody to talk to who honestly cares I am in pain I am lonely nobody understands me I swear i just feel like giving up I have been tryin to stay strong but I have just been crying every night about my life and my body, i just want to start again or sleep forever I am currently ill as fuck with covid my operations i had on my teeth seem to if failed or something because they hurt like fuck again I hope its to do with covid but knowning my luck it will not be, my backs ruined from work in a deadass job i fucking hate everyday, I cannot leave my bedroom due to covid I cannot see anyone. Last year the doctors screwed up my nans medication and took her from me since then everything has gone down hill, I am the failure of the family Nobody checks up to see how I am doing and if they do its always for one thing can i borrow X amount of money, I am just depressed and hurting I cannot see life getting any better anymore i used to smile and enjoy life I have not had that in about 2 years now feel like a waste of oxygen that hurts everyday takin painkillers constantly I do not know why i bother anymore I cannot do it anymore",Suicidal +27222,Idk will it ever going to get better. i wish i would have just died. I wish i could have just died.,Suicidal +27223,I have wronged someone i love for a few years now ill say ill get better when i do not i actually treat them worse i know i do not want to treat them bad but it happens again and again i do not know why i want to die i do not. all i want is them yet i do stupid shit i feel like I am worthless I am a waste of life they are my whole life and if i cannot be with them I am broken i just want to do right by her but idk why i keep making the same mistakes over and over It feels as tho all i bring into my life and others life is negativity,Depression +27224,i just lay here & feel so sad i feel awful every day,Depression +27225,"Because of my mental health, i dropped out of school. My mom find it out afterwards. i even lied about that I am going to school. My parents got mad at me, i do not know what to do anymore. If my relatives finds out about this, I am going to kill myself. I dropped out",Depression +27226,AAHAHHhhhaahahahaaaaaaaaaaa heeee heeeeeeeee aahaahhahahahahhhhAHAHAHHAWHAT THE ACTUAL F- ahhHHAHhhhhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoo hee hoooo aHahHAHA,Suicidal +27227,"I cannot be content with my life. I feel so depressed, but nothing bad happened to me that gives me the right to be this depressed (or maybe there was I just do not remember.) Others have it worse than me. I was not abused when I was a child, no issues with my family and friends, I have not experienced being bullied, I have a caring family, some friends check up on me sometimes, and I study in a prestigious school. Yet I feel so terrible almost everyday especially Sunday nights (mostly bc of school).I feel like I am only faking my anxiety. I feel so dumb. I feel like I will not get a good future bc I am an introvert. I am so weak that I cannot even control my emotions, I get emotional easily, and I barely survive a day of school (even if its online) it feels like a month already passed when 1 day is done. I feel like a coward bc I cannot even bring myself to tell my parents that I need to get a mental health diagnosis, and I cannot socialize properly in a large group. I HATE myself so much bc of all of these. I wish I could take a few days off from school bc my mental health is deteriorating but nooo there is so many steps to do to make my absence valid, and my classmates will think I am weird and lazy. they will probably avoid me bc I am a weak person. Welp it seems like I am going to be relapsing Others have it worse than me",Suicidal +27228,"Well ladies and gentlemen, I think I have finally hit rock bottom. I have been dealing with severe anxiety and depression for a while now but I have always seemed to keep it managed. But I recently lost my job because they found out I was smoking pot to help me sleep and they laid me off with no warning or chance to take another test. I have spent most of the past week in bed scrolling reddit or sleeping. I cannot seem to find the energy or will to do anything else. I do not want to play video games anymore, talk to the 3 friends I have left, or even watch any TV shows or movies. My brain just does not care. Why is finding a psychiatrist so damn hard? All I have heard back from any doctors I have contacted is ""see a therapist and get a recommendation"" or ""I do not have time for new patients"". everyone is answer when talking to someone with mental illnesses is always ""you should go see someone about that"" and now that I am actually trying, it seems impossible. Which just makes the effort to try seem worthless. I do not even know why I am writing this post to be honest. I just have no one left to vent to, I guess. Rock Bottom",Depression +27229,"Its almost 10 in the morning, I am an American, its Independence Day, and I am drunk playing candy crush. Every other soul I know is out on some form of water in their swimsuits, grilling and bbqing as I lay in bed waiting for the days to pass. Happy 4th I guess?",Depression +27230,Sometimes for me watching something depressing can sometimes give me a sense of comfort because it feels relatable just wondering if any of you have something like to watch when your looking for that feeling. For me it is the Twilight Zone 2002 version which is the most hated of the series but I love most of the episodes not all but alot. there is this one episode called Night Route that is super relatable and there is a few others about death like the Last Lap episode that give me comfort. Any depressing tv show or movie that gives you a sense of comfort?,Depression +27231,"No matter how many connections I make, I can never break the barrier and find someone I actually feel connected too.. &#x200B;I feel like no one on this planet understands me. All I really want is to give and reciprocate all the love I hold in my life. &#x200B;I cannot make friends.. and every man I meet just wants to hook up. I have so much pure kindness in my heart and no one to give it to. I think that is why I love animals... &#x200B;I am drunk and very depressed. My meds help suppress it a bit but my life is very wrong.. I was not mean to be so alone. No one is. There are so many people around me and I cannot find someone who gets me??? Life feels like a ghostdown",Depression +27232,"..right? At least that is what I have been told. I cannot be depressed because at least there is one person who loves me. I cannot feel alone because I always have someone there for me. I should be happy and smiling all the time because if I do not, it makes it seem like something is wrong with my relationship. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am not depressed and I am just having a really bad day. I cannot possibly be depressed because I am married",Depression +27233,Anyone here work at a place where it is atcually ok to take mental health days off? I am curious because the stigma attached to mental health still feels so unaccepted in todays society. All in all I am looking for support as my current mental state is in the shitter. Its seriously fucked up that you can take sick days off when physical ill but its not allowed when your mental health is deteriorating.,Depression +27234,"Since my dad died I have been sad. I think I have gotten through the stages of grief, but I am not the same person anymore. I feel bad for wanting to die since I have my siblings and mother still here. I have been planning different methods. The most recent plan is to buy a shit ton of eyedrops and sleeping medicine and take them at a hiking trail by a cave so people cannot see me. I am just worried about my family but i know that they will be fine after a while. Some days i really want to do it while other days I do not. I guess when in really feeling it I will do it. But not today. I want to disappear",Suicidal +27235,Anyone here? I am on Lerivon..4th day..15mg..my thoughts are so bad..like nothing matters..I do not want to die but I have these thoughts :( I started with anti depressant and I have suicidal thoughts,Suicidal +27236,"Hey, so I have posted a few places for support but no community has given me any so I am trying here.Backstory: I have always struggles with depression and intrusive thought usually brought on by my father who is verbally abusive. He likes turning anything good to something negative. About me: I am 20 this year and studying, I moved out of parent's place and was doing so good until Covid decided to make us poor so I had to go back to my parents. I have been diagnosed with depression and bipolar and am pretty familiar with when to know a manic episode is coming but my depression just hits me low.All my colleagues always call me floaty because I am happy and chill by nature. I never fight and always ignore drama and conflict. Here I get to the point:My family was recently attacked by a neighbor and my dad defended us by stabbing him so he went to jail for bail. In that time my mom and I were alone and living peacefully without problems or drama but my dad was suffering in jail and we kept on working to fairly get him out so he was the victim. I was really worried about my dad coming home because he is always been very negative and makes anything a problem. He came back a nice, modest man who is grateful for everything. This however lasted only a week and once again everything in my home is cold and dark. We had a party and one of the guests accidentally packed his phone in when leaving. My dad went crazy accusing her of theft and screaming at us even though I got the phone back immediately. I had a panic attack due to all the screaming and anger.Today nobody in the house is talking, everything is tense.I am just depressed and disappointed. I have been crying and nothing is happy anymore. The whole situation just completely through me of while I had been stable and happy till now.We have an apartment by the beach where I want to flee since I can still have online class from there and my workplace allows me to travel since we serve the whole country so I can go there and still work and study without any additional moving or trouble Problem is that our country has some limits on traveling between states right now, however the apartment there is on my name and I could say I am going home.Should I stick it out at home or try to go? I know I cannot reject my father because his fragile yet his behavior is affecting my mental health. What would you do in this situation? External Factors harming recovery",Depression +27237,"I woke up today and it just hit me. The depression is back.So much for actually being excited about life and having a ton of self confidence. So much for having enough energy to be exercise and stay up late.Now I do not have enough energy to do anything & my memory and reasoning skills have instantly declined. Brain fog is real and it slows me down, especially since I seem to only be able to focus on my failures when I am depressed.I was productive for about two months and secured a job. I have not started but I am already questioning if I am going to be able to handle it.Can someone just shoot me? The crash",Depression +27238,"Just ah idk thought I would let you all know I am being admitted to a ""young adult mental health ward"" (I am 24). I will be going into hospital tomorrow, I am kind of somewhat excited about it. To meet similar people going through similar shit and just to be able function like a ""normal"" person in the real world. I am also pretty nervous not going to lie. Has anyone else been admitted to anything like this? What should I expect? My anxiety has reached a critical breaking point, depression is pretty shit, PTSD ughh bad, and self harm coming back frequently soooo with a lot of researching and speaking with my Psychiatrist/GP they recommended I be admitted for a bit. Take a break, get better. So, fingers crossed this works. Thanks for reading. Admitted to hospital",Depression +27239,"Today hits one month from my last suicide attempt and I must say. My suicidal thoughts kind of left. And by kind of I mean they are gone. I think about death but not about doing it! Also today's my birthday but... it is nothing really. I feel really good. From the time I realized that person that I really adored maybe is not toxic... but low key stupid and she do not deserve me, and from that moment it is a lot better. Even counting the fact that I am depressed for 2 years and that person entered my mind 6 months ago, getting rid of that person from my mind helped me almost completly, which is magic miracle. Thanks to all of you that helped me survive to this moment. I am celebrating today bros!",Suicidal +27240,"MARTINWhy are not you talking?GEORGIEBecause I think hes going to destroy himself, and anyone who let us him get too close. And I do not want that to include me or Melanie.MARTINMaybe he just needs some help.GEORGIEIdidhelp him, as much as I safely could, but he just carried on anyway.MARTIN(overlapping) Yeah, hell do that.GEORGIEI realized if I kept trying it was going to hurt me more than I was willing to accept.MARTINWell, sometimes the helping people hurts.GEORGIESure, but that does not mean everything painfulhelps.Sometimes people have problems that will wreck you long before you can make a dent in them,and some people do not want help, they just want other people suffering with them.MARTINJohn does not want that.GEORGIEHe does not knowwhathe wants. And from the sound of things hes run out of time to figure it out.MARTINIts easy to pass judgment from the outside.GEORGIEOne more reason to stay on the outside and watch.___________MELANIERight, right. Okay. I knowthatis why I ruined my first four sessions and almost torpedoed the chance at a genuinely really good therapist, because I was so paranoid that she was going to turn out to be some somethingtrying to manipulate me. But no, she is not full of spiders, or made of wax, or wearing the therapists skin or whatever, she is just a well-trained professional who I am paying to help me.ARCHIVISTOkay.(sigh)Its just the Web can be subtle, you understand?MELANIEAnd? For all you know its plan is to paralyze you with indecision. Leaving you sitting here, terrified that everything you do is somehow all part of its grand plan. And who do you think that fear is going to feed?_____________The Lonely is possibly the most insidious of the powers, I believe. Certainly it is the one that most delights and having you do its work for it, even the spiders seem to have a hard time matching it for sheer seductiveness.(hmph)Time to yourself. Self-care. Putting yourself first. Not being a burden on those you care about. does not even need to tell you any lies just waits for the lies you tell yourself.Were all well aware that with Peter Lukas in charge of the Institute, its a very real danger to all of us. We are trying. Daisy, Basira and I, we do not leave the Institute much anymore, so we do spend a lot of time together. Its not that easy though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defenses, sometimes you can feel lonely even when you are all in the same room. But its better than the alternative and at least none of us are suffering alone. just some very relatable lines from the magnus archives podcast, you can read this if you want I guess",Depression +27241,"I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was about 13 years old and I am now 21. For the majority of the past 8 years I never really struggled with showering or brushing my teeth etc. however, over the past year I have been severely struggling with caring for myself. COVID had just started taking over the world and I found out that my family was moving to a different city... I think both of those things really messed me up. I stopped caring about my diet and gained a bunch of weight (I am working on losing that weight now which will hopefully improve some things for me), i feel like I do not have the energy to clean myself and I just feel like shit all the time. In 2019 I was the happiest I have ever been I loved the way I looked, I loved the way I treated myself and how I could do things for myself, I got into an awesome relationship and things were just amazing. Now I can barely step outside my apartment and just stay in bed all day. After a year of being stuck like this and reflecting on my past, I am ready to start pulling myself out of this slump and try to get things backs on track for myself. I am open to any advice or helpful tips!!! I struggle to care for myself",Depression +27242,"(Starting my senior year of college)&#x200B;September 2017: body dysmorphia leads me to believe I have gynecomastia. Plastic surgery research occupies most of my time. Turns out to be basically negligible and a case that goes away if I lose weight (learned this much later on).&#x200B;December 2017: after 6 scheduled (and cancelled) surgery dates with plastic surgeons to remove the gynecomastia, my parents recommend that I see our doctor and talk about depression. I oblige.&#x200B;January 2018: After my first visit with the doctor, I start taking Zoloft 25mg 1x/day.&#x200B;March 2018: I up the dosage to 50mg/day. Start complaining to doctor about ""emotional numbness"" and taper back down to 25mg 2x/day.&#x200B;April 2018: I am at a bar and get cold clocked (to this day I still do not know who hit me). Clean mandibular fracture and broken in two places. Wired shut for 4 weeks after that. &#x200B;August 2018: Decide I am good and that I do not need Zoloft anymore (was also very overweight). Go off the drug and two weeks later, I total my '01 BMW e46 M3 that I bought a year prior after running a stop light I did not see. T-boned a taxi. &#x200B;September 2018: Researching that Zoloft weakens bone density and increases risk of fractures by up to 75%. Thought of ""if you were not on Zoloft, your jaw would not have broken"" starts to grow in my head. call my mom on my birthday, mention suicide for the first time. She says I ""cannot leave this earth"" in tears.&#x200B;October 2018: meet a new girl, we become boyfriend and girlfriend. &#x200B;April 2019: I buy a penis enlargement device ""just because"" to see if I can get any bigger for my gf at the time. And mind you, I was not insecure about my size to begin with, I just wanted to see if it could get bigger. I ended up suffering an injury from doing too much, too fast that left my penis in a ""hard flaccid"" state sometimes, and actually lost a bit of length and girth because of it. This leads to a lot of anxiety and depression that I still experience to this day.&#x200B;May 2019: Depressed, I decide to start Zoloft again. 25mg 1x/day. &#x200B;September 2019: I go off of Zoloft again. Girlfriend and I break up. &#x200B;October 2019 - January 2021: Working full-time, met another girl around Feb 2020 that I dated up until recently. Things we just OK. Covid did not make things any easier, but whatever.&#x200B;February 2021: I approach a urologist about the potential of Zoloft ruining my sex drive, and that is the reason I cannot perform like I used to. I start doing research and come across Wellbutrin. I start taking Wellbutrin 100mg SR 1x/day. &#x200B;March 2021: I go off of Wellbutrin. &#x200B;\*\*\*Wellbutrin 100mg/1x per day continues for month-long streaks coupled with about a month off. This cycle repeats itself for about 3 months up until the middle of this past June. &#x200B;\- - - - - - - - - - - End of June 2021: I come across a bunch of photos of myself a year or two prior to the gynecomastia/Zoloft phase. Look myself and love what I see. My face looked different. I remember my penis looking and functioning the way it used to. I remember the way my teeth pressed together when I closed my mouth, and how my jaw did not click everytime I opened it or when I gave my girlfriend oral. &#x200B;\*\*\*July 2, 2021: I take my father's competition ruger out of the case next to his bed (I am at my parent's house here). I hold it. I look at it. I wonder... I do not cry or whatever. I try to fight. I try to think about what I can do differently, but nothing really happens. I put the gun back in its case, and I decide to light a bowl and get high. I pass out at the top of my parent's stairs until 2pm in the afternoon. I had off of work, and the rest of the family is at our vacation house, so I was home alone. &#x200B;July 3 2021: I decide to book a tee time and drop a 72 on 18-holes from the tips here at our home course, with a 33 (-3) on the back nine. Golf is a big passion of mine, and I have my own horror stories of trying to play in college/throughout highschool that I will not get into. I have played golf my entire life. \- - - July 4 2021 (today): I wake up, depressed again. Not high this time, but I start reading about people on psychiatric medications and how it can permanently mess them up. I start thinking about everything, from how my dick is fucked up, to how my face looks different from a jaw fracture I suffered because I chose to take antidepressants (and how the SSRIs probably weakened my bone density), how I pissed away good relationships with good women. Everything. I go back upstairs and take my Dad's ruger out again. I look at it. This time I cry a little bit. I start to realize I am unstable and the only thing holding me back is that I really do not know how to operate a ruger, and the magazines are out, though there are bullets in the magazines. I frighten myself again, and put it back in the case. I cry to God a bit here and say ""I am really having a tough time here man. I do not know what to do."" 10:24am July 4 2021 I hit ""post"" here on Reddit, then grab my keys and head into town for my habitual coffee. 26 y/o male - Getting very close - scared myself for the first time and unsure of if it is only a matter of time before I go through with it",Suicidal +27243,"Hi so I was diagnosed with mdd this year, I am almost at my 4th months on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and although I think I can fairly say that its been pretty good so far and I have seen some improvement in my lifesometimes I just cannot look at my arms the same wayI have not self harm in a long time, 21 now, and the last time I tried to unalive and self harm myself was back in high school, I think I was 16-18ish? My bf keeps reassuring me that my scars are not visible anymore and its already healedbut there are times, especially when its super quiet in a room and I just look at my arms and see it so clearlyI know I should seek therapy, unfortunately with my insurance, alot of places that accepts it is not accepting new patients since they have been having an increase since covid happen. I also cannot afford the places that cannot accept my insurance I am getting a tattoo soon, I originally wanted to get it in my arms so that I cannot be reminded but I can only get in my shoulder area since I work in the medical field and plan to work as a LPN one day, and Ik visible tattoos are pretty taboo in some healthcare places TW: self-harm",Depression +27244,"My father does not give a shit about my struggles. He just compares mine to his. About how he did not have a bed, no closet, no computers not even a ball to play with blah blah blah. Then he goes and says all you have to fucking worry about isthe meaning of life. that is your biggest problem I am so fucking speechless. Hes only telling that because one time, when I was young, I asked him what is the meaning of life out of curiousity. Guess he could not answer that question, so he shamed me for asking. Last night he told me that yes you have struggles and you should just own it. Own your self harm scars. FUCKING hypocrite. You never gave a fuck, did you? All of those things you said were bullshit to make you look like a good parent. Guess what? You fucking signed up for this. You signed up for a mentally ill kid. You signed up for any fucking problems. Because you fucking wanted a kid. You took the gamble and now you got one. Happy? You are not the fucking victim. This fucking hurt me. Your own father saying that. You were the one selfish enough to have a kid in the middle of a fucking war. You saw all the fucking misery and the world and decided to put me through it. I cannot wait for this circus to be over. You were the one selfish enough to have me in the middle of a fucking war.",Depression +27245,"hi, I want to ask somebody here, how effective/proof is this way to commit suicide. my setup is going to be hot water tub and cutting arteria radialis both hands, also, as far as I know we have some genetics disorder in my family with blood beeing too clotting. I am going to prevent this by taking some aspirin (should made my blood a little bit thiner) and take a lots of water.Also I do not want to cut any of my tendonsis there some optional way to find better artery to cut? thx for responses :) hope I will find here some advicesbeen studying anatomy for a while now to make it as quick and as painless as possible. is it 100% death sure?",Suicidal +27246,"Is there any way to die with someone with you that also will not actively try to stop you? I want to be able to have someone on the phone at least, or something? I would not trust someone to witness me dying and not actively try to stop me. (I plan to overdose.) Be with me",Suicidal +27247,"So let us say a week ago I decided to roll the dice and it landed on 21st, so now I have 17 days left. I am tired of being the better person, watching what I say, or that God forbid I would do something my parents do not approve, I know my friends will be sad, some said they will die as well if I go, but fuck it, call it a homicide, like I care at this point, I wish it would be different but being sorrounded by people who only care about themselves 24/7 is what caused this, maybe, just maybe they will see what they were doing wrong and my brother can have a better life 17 days",Suicidal +27248,"I have been sat here with a knife for the past 20 minutes, debating if I should go through with it or not. Nobody likes me and the rest of my life is not worth living anymore. I do not know what to do",Suicidal +27249,I just wake up but I am feeling really tired because my mind immediately think to suicide. My hair loss because of my severe depression. I cannot do something to cut my negative thought. I want a physical hug to calm down but I do not have friend and support system in my life I am exhausted,Suicidal +27250,"23 year old male here. I just found out that life is extremely boring and those tiny little moments of joy are very few and you just cannot force them to happen. I have been always fascinated in creating stuff to entertain myself and others because LIFE IS JUST too boring. But I burned out and I had to leave my creative part behind only to burn out again doing traditional BORING work. I was always the weird/crazy cousin who would host ""hounted attractions"" in my bedroom just to keep my other cousins entertained. I had an iCarly.com rip-off kind of ""website"" that I created with some friends when I was barely 10. I made a lot of videos and movies using Sims characters and Habbo characters. I used to play a lot as a kid and had fun. I know all of that sounds stupid but the point is that I USED to be creative and joyful at some point of my life. But, as always, LIFE happened. I grew up, I developed a bunch of insecurities, became a nerd, I turned out to be gay, I fell apart, developed a porn addiction, my social anxiety started to rise, stopped hanging out with my childhood ex friends, put all of my teen energy on having good grade and after graduating I decided to go into Business since I knew that I would be a financial burden to my single unemployed mother had I chosen a career related to Film & Arts in a third world country. But now, I graduated from college (I did great thankfully tho), and I have been working at a bank for more than year dealing with coding and database (of which I had no previous experience/knowledge on) while working remotely due to covid, spending most of my days locked in my room feeling empty, stressed out, and suicidal at how my life has turned out. I told to myself that next year I would apply to an international scholarship to do a master's degree because everyone in my circle is persuing that and I do not want to fall behind. But I still do not even know the master's degree I want to do. I am stuck. It makes no sense to persue a master's degree in arts after graduating from Business School. I hate this gray career path that my 18 year old naive self chose and my 23 year old self decided to maintain. I feel like a zombie, hair falling out, agong fast, nothing makes sense, I am extremely bored, I struggle doing minimal stuff. But I feel stuck and Idk what to do. I have been thinking about building an online social media platform to have an audience and monetize it so that I can become my own boss. But I still do not know what it will be about. I am sick of boring stuff. I feel stuck and I do not know how long I Will put of with this. Reality is too boring for me so that kind of explains why I struggle to be mindful Reality is too DAMN boring for me!",Depression +27251,"I need (F 30) some advice on how I can reach out to my friends after being distant for a few months. let us call them friend A and B. In December 2020 I started getting really depressed due to a highly stressful job, the fact that for the first time ever Id be spending Christmas alone (covid lockdowns, family far away) and finding out that a close family member has cancer. For New Years I went to friend As house and she asked me about my relative and the cancer treatment, but I kept getting interrupted while other people in the background were making jokes and my friend was not really listening. She was like, Oh sorry you were saying, go onI was feeling highly sensitive and about to cry but she was not listening to what I had to say. I felt shut down but I was not going to let this be a reason for getting mad at her. Now friend B, I have known most of my life, almost 20 years. We wished each other happy New Years and I asked her when she is free to FaceTime. Again, I was a wreck, just spent Christmas alone, had intrusive thoughts about my relative. I really needed to talk to her. I get that Christmas time is busy but she got back to me around Jan 13 we can FaceTime tomorrowThat was 2 weeks later and in those 2 weeks my mental health declined even more. At this point, I did not even feel like texting her back right away. I texted her a few days later and admitted that I am in a bad headspace and Ill FaceTime her in a few days. But I did not. My mental health kept getting worse, I was not taking care of myself, skipped showers, I was binging on unhealthy foods, not exercising, had insomnia, headaches, neglected to take care of things around the house. And I could not stop crying. Id cry soon after waking up, while driving to work, Id cry on my lunch breaks, and when I got home. I started developing intrusive thoughts, thinking what is the point of it all, how I hate the way my life turned out, etc.Things got REALLY bad. Friend A and B texted me on my birthday (end of Feb) and it took me days to even read the messages, and text back. Everything, even the smallest tasks took so much effort. Literally on my birthday, I kept getting messages from people and I wanted to throw my phone out the window. It was not a happy birthday. I was at work and on my lunch break, went for a drive to get a coffee and again started bawling my eyes out. I thanked them for the wishes and did not say anything else. Now fast forward to mid March, its friend Bs birthday. I wished her a happy birthday but she never texted back.Which I understand. My lack of communication could have been taken the wrong way as I never explained to them what I was truly going through. I think about my two friends all the time, and I wish I had not fucked up our friendships. I want to reach out and apologize but I do not even know where to start. Were now in JulyI was basically a ghost for 6 months. I never suffered from such deep depression in my whole life, it was so bad that even the smallest tasks took a lot of effort. I become so isolated, desperately tried to work on myself. But it takes time. You cannot get better over night. Only now i am starting to feel like myself again, not 100% back to normal yet but getting there. How can I fix friendships after isolating myself due to depression?",Depression +27252,"I know this might be a feeling that many can relate to. I have had depression more or less half of my life, due to many different factors and things that have happened throughout my life.I used to drink alcohol quite frequently and even smoke a lot of weed. However I have quit those things completely a couple months ago, and that has been another journey in itself.I knew that indulging with different substances that make me high/drunk, I pushed the feelings of anxiety and depression aside, not making them disappear but just forgetting about them for the moment. Until they came back. For the last couple of months now I have been completely facing my shit, unable (or should I say unwilling) to ""escape"" by any means. I constantly have the feeling that I want to cry all the time. Not just a little, but I have the feeling that I want to let the floods out for real, got so much tension inside and I know I have the potential and that it would feel much better afterwards. But at the same time I just feel so empty and cannot cry no matter how hard I try. It feels like those emotions somehow are trapped deep inside of me, and I would need a terrible reason to be able to ""let go"" of the pressure. Instead of just letting it go and getting rid of it, it just keeps on staying where it is, and it is really frustrating... Want to cry but cannot",Depression +27253,"Over the past months, I have gone through a lot of life events that have been hard on me (the biggest being that I got new job that means I need to move to another city when WFH ends, the job itself is good but its stressful, I also went through the end of a romantic situationship and the end of friendships). I am 30, soon to be 31. I do not have friends, and I mean it. There is not anyone I could call if I needed help. If I got into an accident and had to be in the hospital for weeks, literally no one would notice that Id be gone. For the past months that have been difficult for me, I have managed to maintain some kind of routine. I went on walks or runs, I ate healthy food, I was not at my best at work but I managed. I stopped drinking alcohol completely.Now. I feel like I have reached a point where I do not even see the point of keeping these habits anymore. How do you cope when you do not see the point anymore?",Depression +27254,"Four years of treatment and nothing works. Meds are only good for a few months and that is if they are any good at all. I have no use for therapy. I am pretty sure that I am doing worse than I was before I would started treatment. So, I am done. No meds. No therapy. I will just have to accept that this depression will not go away. At least I will not have to deal with side effects and condescending psychiatrists and therapists. I Quit",Depression +27255,kill yourself or get over it life is unfair,Suicidal +27256,"Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everything. I tried so hard, I am not going to give up may as well fucking suffer. Why the fuck am I here. Why the fuck! Am I HERE. I did not fucking ask for this, and because I am a fucking human I make mistakes, but what the fuck am I supposed to do. Just die.... Like what the fuck is the point guys, I will not kill myself, but what the fuck is the point. Just make my own point? Well ya see everytime I try to do that the one thing that was important to me is gone, and I can no longer fucking be happy no more. What the fuck, I have learned stocks and stuff so I am fucking rich guess I could just sleep my life away. Fuck everyone, and most all the biggest fuck goes to me, fuck me. Fuck everything",Suicidal +27257,"This was the last straw, if by the end of 2022 I will not be better I will kill myself you all better hope I fix myself or else I will kill myself",Depression +27258,"I just want to have friends who love and accept me, go camping with them, talk to them about everything until 5am, watch series, play video games or something. I do not want to be disappointed anymore, it is so painful to see people who are happy I hate my life I hate myself why cannot I be happy I do not understand what I did wrong to deserve this I want to kill myself",Suicidal +27259,They should make euthanasia legal because not everyone is cut out to live in a capitalistic society. The reason why it is not legal is because the rich would lose like half of their labour slaves. Unpopular opinion,Depression +27260,"As the title says; I have been trying to help my partner for years with his suicidal thoughts/tendencies. He will not seek help and does not want to take medication. A little backstory, his father committed suicide when my partner was only 18. Now at age 32, hes had no grief counseling and still has unresolved issues. we have been together for 6 years and have a daughter together. I am the main caretaker of the house. I care for our child, pets, pay bills, clean, ect. Because he struggles with anxiety as well, I essentially care for him as well. Right down to scheduling doctors appointments for him . Along with the suicidal tendencies, there is also disrespectful name calling, verbal abuse and manipulation towards me. Now, I am not a perfect person but I feel no one should be treated as such. Let alone in front of our 6 year old. I am at a loss of what to do because things have drastically escalated in the past months. He plans on disappearing sooner than later. If I try to leave, he tells me it will speed up the process and it will make things worse. I can feel my mental stability slipping and I am trying to keep it together door our daughter. Thanks for your time in reading this I have been acting as a therapist to partner who wants to end his life.",Suicidal +27261,"so far, ODing on drugs is the most feasible for me right now. But i do not want to butcher it and end up surviving. I just want to die in my sleep. So, maybe carbon monoxide poisoning? been searching for suicide methods",Suicidal +27262,"Every job I have had I have absolutely fucking despised. Right now I am a cleaner and work nights so I do not have to interact with anyone but I hate the job. Every time I complain about it I get ""well someone has to do it"" or ""it is a really important job. Especially right now during a pandemic."" The thing while I am there all I want to do is go home so I put in minimum effort and do it as quick as I can.I have never been in a relationship. I cannot talk to anyone without getting extreme bouts of anxiety. I do not know why anyone would go out with me I have barely even got a personality and my life is such a mess it is a joke. I have not made any new friend since highschool. The only way I keep in contact with my old friends is when we used to play games together but I have been to depressed to do that in ages it just feels like effort. Effort to play and effort to talk.I have got very little contact with my family. it is not even like we are on bad terms or anything we just do not talk. I have never got anything new to share about my life anyway so I do not even know what to talk about. I go weeks with out washing and my laundry never gets ironed or folded. I do not really eat out that much and try to eat healthy. I only drink water and go for walks whenever I have got the energy but that is not that often. I try and put myself out there and find new hobbies all the time but nothing ever sticks. I force myself to go on hikes or to the beach or out to a bar at least once a week but I never enjoy myself.It takes me hours to get out of bed in the morning. I sleep way too much and daydream an unhealthy amount. No matter what I do I always feel fatigued.I do not even have a reason to be depressed. it is not like I have gone through some kind of trauma or been through a bad breakup. This is just who I am. it is who I have been for the last 5 years with no end in sight. I go to a psychologist I have been on various antidepressants for years but It never gets better. I do not really want to die. I want like anything to he able to enjoy life. But I cannot keep living like this where everything i do is an uphill battle. Where I have got to put in enormous amounts of effort just to do things that come naturally to most people and then not even be happy after putting in all the effort.I try to improve but everytime anxiety, depression or fatigue is always there to pull me back down.I was not made for life. I cannot imagine living another 40 years like this. Life was not made for me. I am not even sure what to do at this point.",Depression +27263,can someone deal with depression without the help of a psychologist ? Question,Depression +27264,"At 30 years old I am still lagging behind in finding a job, making friends, being mature... I am trying to accept that I am in need of a lot of development, but I am not sure how to do it. Like, what happens to the bad guy after they decide they want to be better? How exactly does one mature? I feel like the villain of my own life",Depression +27265,if you are reading this and you are having sad thoughts stop reading. for anyone else reading this is there an easy way to kill yourself. like a way were it will not hurt and no one will be sad you are dead. I cannot keep looking at my ceiling for any more years. My hair grows long and gets tangled from laying in bed. I cannot keep getting text and calls from people who care about me asking if there is anything they can do. They keep trying over and over its bin years and I still cannot confidently tell them I am ok. I am sad I am heart broken I am wasted and used and destroyed mentally and physically. I am only alive because people feed me and I do not want to see them cry. I am tired. I sleep and I sleep everyday I force myself to sleep so i do not have to deal with my thoughts of how much I hate myself and how my heart hurts. I cannot think for more than a few minutes before something triggers me and I can only force myself to sleep to forget. I am tired of sleeping I just wish I could sleep and wake up in the future and hopefully everything will be better hopefully Ill be with someone who is nice to me and wants to hug me. and Ill have kids I can care for and watch grow. my family will be happy seeing me happy and Ill be with someone who cares about me. I do not think I can make a future like this so I can only fantasize and dream about it to calm myself down. Sometimes I wish I could have the strength to kill myself so The dream never ends. I can stay somewhere were everyone is happy around me and I can hug them and keep them all safe and never let them go. I am just so tired my body feels so weak and my heart is just crying. there is bin 2 things in the past 4 years to get me out of bed. And one of them is gone. And I think about it and it makes me shut down completely. Sorry for typing a lot I am just tired Hi,Suicidal +27266,"Have you ever had a dream that was felt so real, and everything seemed better. Maybe life was better and some issues or relationships were resolved.Then you wake up and realise none of it was real, and just think to yourself that was just cruel.Or is it just me? The best dreams are the worst nightmares.",Depression +27267,"I have BPD. my boyfriend of 10 years and I have been fighting, I have been unable to control my emotions past 2 weeks bc he has beeen at a bachelor party and had family ov for aweek and his family does not know of me so we do not talk . though i have been in intensive therapy and practicing DBT religiously, geting better i cannot seem to l keep it consistent. i break down and have bad days esp when we do not speak fora whole day. this is what leads to it. -w eboth did not sleep for 36 hours -for him due to stress, for me i chose ot stay up due to i have no time as i am oveworked and enjoy a night with video games and a friend. he was unable to sleep the prev night due to work stress ocd, it was 7 pm the day after sleepless nights and he want s to go to sleep i have not spoekn to him much in the last 2 weeks because he is unabvailable due to bachelor party week and family - btw his fam does not know baout me at all. so ihavent spoek n to him much . he has not wanted to see me on face time or hear my voice lately ihave felt very unwanted but thsi leads to me being desperat when hes around. bc i miss him so much I am panicking crying begging and did not want to say goodnight on the phone. we are LDR i panicked begged until he said yes. i took a lot of anxiety pills bt nothing worked. he kept demanding to getoff the phone and he is very silent and unresposive on the phone last night finally i am so panicke and cannot breathe it is impossible for me to even use words so i ahe to text whie I am on the phone, i feel i canot breathe. he cannot understand me.. i really fucked this all up bad. if ucked this up relly bad i am sorry. i say please go to bed i wil go.. we hang up ..here is today what it is now: i woke up to it is series of text from him: at 2 and 3 am: do not wake me up. I repeat. Do not wake me up. I am panicking. My body is so fucked up from earlier that its felt like it cannot sleep. My throat started doing this acid reflux sort of thing when I was on the phone. Then my body started hurting. Head started hurting. Got light headed. Since then I have been having trouble breathing and I feel wired. I literally have slept 1 hour in the past 2 days. Feel like I am dying. Heart hurts. This relationship is literally killing me i knwo this is it. he will now be leving me. .i know i will not survive wihtout him though and i knwo because he left me for 2 years and i stopped eating not by choice, coudl not eat and have permanent damage from it now,it is not his fault. i just could not survive was in therapya t the time too, nobody could help. i know what i am in for. i am sending cancellation to therapy this morning aftr i post, i am unable to esape this impending end. i will be dead by the time anybody contact authorities now. i have contacte all my family and friends to saygoodbye as i write ths post. i leaft a note behind behind for my fam to contact thta i did not say goodbye toi am sober, sorry for typos and grammar if anythig is unclear. ia m panicked, hands shake and cannot breathe, . its disorganized I am not thinking right. I am sorry if i confused you. i hope i meet him again in another life where i am a better person.I am sorry for the pain ad permanent damage ic aused anybody who happens to be reading this that notices it soudsn like someone you know. i apologze for all of you in bpd relationships if you are being hurt o pernanetly damaged.goodbye.deleting account this is it for me apologize for if i type badly i am in distress",Suicidal +27268,"grown as$ man crying on the internet every single day, it is so pathetic and i hate myself even more i should stop posting",Depression +27269,"Yeah, that is my question. If mentioning that you are getting suicidal ideation enough? Or someone has to nearly attempt or make an unsuccessful attempt? I am not interested in going there but I am just curious because I have seen posts where they were sent to psych wards for the smallest of the things. Serious question. What is enough to end up in psych ward in the US?",Suicidal +27270,I had friends that whenever a bad thing happened or when I need them they are just gone this is why it makes me suicidal 60% of my problems comes from loneliness I all was wish I had a friend a good friend,Suicidal +27271,"I tried to hang myself and it happened like this, first i lost conscious, then later in the mid of it i woke up somehow and pulled my head off the rope ( i was not using an actual rope)as fast as i could , when i fell down i was feeling so dizzy and in pain, i went to my bed and my neck was red and i started screaming out of pain, so my mother comes to see what is up and when she sees my red neck she starts to calls the rest of my family and then she starts to curse me and hit me on the head, and my brother was just laughing like it was nothing,And my father was just staring at me in disgust, none of them tried to ask me if I am ok or if they did something wrong to me, I am lonely, i have none to talk to, and i have no friend , and i feel like just one hug would take all my pain away. But the fact that nobody is there for me makes me in more pain.Please help me. I just tried to kill myself and my family did not give a fuck.",Depression +27272,"People's beliefs in a just world made them blame victims like me all the time. They escaped from reality and ignored those who are weak and unlucky.So, I was born just to suffer alone after all. ""Whatever happens to you is totally your fault""",Suicidal +27273,"Hi,I am 30, have a great paying job, amazing friends and family, the best partner I could ask for, single handedly set myself up for the rest of my life though hard work and had no traumatic or disruptive upbringing to speak of. Yet depression and anxiety continue to get the better of me. I feel selfish to feel this way when people have experienced hardships and have genuine reasons to feel this way. What is wrong with me? Does anyone else feel this way?Thank you for reading. I feel selfish for being depressed.",Depression +27274,I just do not want to live anymore Posted a suicide post here and some mf made me very depressed,Suicidal +27275,"When I met my gf a year ago I was at a point in life that I never wanted to see again. Now I am at that point again. My gf even decided to take a break from me, because she said she cannot deal with me and needs to figure out if she wants to continue the relationship. To someone who already thought he hit rock bottom, this shattered me. She was the only hope I had and the only person that actually made me want to get out of this hole and get better. Now I feel like I even lost that. All reasons to live just gone like that. And I did something which I promised not to do, I wrote a suicide note. I feel like I need help but I do not know what to do. I cannot anymore",Depression +27276,Another day closer to the end. One more down,Depression +27277,I have come to the realization that no one really cares everyone is busy in their own business and life I do not have any friends I talk with a teacher I had in my last school and she does not even have time for meIm all alone This body dismorphia ruined meI FEEL SO LOST Nobody cares,Depression +27278,"So long story short I have MDD, GAD, BPD. Since late 2020 depression has been kicking my arse. I have suffered with depressive episodes for over 12 years but never this bad or long. My last depressive episode was after the birth of my son and had great success with the 2nd SSRI I tried and managed to establish a good routine to get me out. I am currently on my 7th antidepressant and have been sectioned twice this year for SI with intent. Its marginally better than it was but its getting worse again. Zero motivation to get out of bed, no appetite, crying etc.I am also doing intensive group therapy since February which I am really invested in but t the end of the day I feel I have exhausted all options Is there any way out without ending it?",Depression +27279,"And move right along, obviously I dwell and still think about all that had occurred but I fail to express my anger or frustration verbally or physically. I feel like I should be more mad about stuff than I am but I am just not, I want to literally punch a whole in a wall but I do not have the energy to do so. I am tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I' am not sure how much more I can withstand. I do not even hurt the same no more.. I just be like ""damn, that happened""",Suicidal +27280,"my own mother is crazy she thinks only about herself starts shouting some dumb shit at me and that i do not need to be happy i have to study for my exams only they raised me to choose friends only with good grades, ended up with 1 fucking friend in highschool never invited to a birthday party in over 3 years and i have no one to talk to... i just want to die at this point No one in life to talk to",Suicidal +27281,"I have been trying for so long. Told my family about my depression and they act like they care then forget the next day. I finally managed to ask for professional help from a doctor and my school. I am 15, my parents are divorced. I live with my mum and my dad lives some 2,000 kilometres away. I moved 2 times in the past year and due to that I lost my friends so I do not have anyone to rely on, and I am a year 9 so I friend groups and so on have been already made and I cannot really befriend anyone at this point. I have been struggling the past 3 weeks with anxiety and depression and not wanting to wake up in the morning for school. And to add to injury my mum is now saying I am going to go back to my dads and will have to start working and drop my education, which I do not want to do, and I do not want to make issues for my dad either as he is a driver so he drives 800km per day so he is rarely at home and barely gets sleep. I just do not know what to do at this point, talking about will not help since they will just act like nothing happened, and my dad cannot support me as he is over 2k km away, and he is not the best dad either but still cares enough to see that I am hurting and need help but cannot do much.(I do not know why I am writing this and in such a weird way, I left out so many details but I do not want to make it too long.)TL;DR: I am depressed, seeked help, person who cares cannot do much, broken inside and want to end it all. What to do next?",Depression +27282,It beckons to me. Like a dog whistle. And I cannot stop doing it. I know ill end up dead if I keep going but I cannot stop The blade keeps calling and I keep answering. How do I get myself to stop,Depression +27283,"All of my friends are going places, traveling, seeing family, meanwhile I am sitting at home playing some useless bullshit video game and jerking off. God damnit, when did my life take a turn for the worst? Sadly I did not die in my sleep last night. I detest holidays",Depression +27284,"A bit of backstory I am 18 and have been going on and off from my psychologist since i was 13 i was never on any pills but i have tried to kill myself several times, for a good while i was okay i had friends i was in a happy relationship i was truly happy for once but recently i broke up with my girlfriend after being in a relationship with her for 9 months i just feel so alone now we tried to be friends but that did not work she just became cold and passively toxic and aggressive towards me she was the reason I did not kill myself numerous times she kept me sane she kept me here in the moment but yesterday i had to remove her from my life completely i snapped and could not do it anymore so i threw her stuff out every letter every photo deleted everything and blocked her and now she is gone forever i feel so alone and she was the only person i could trust with everything in my life now i have nobody here and I do not know what to do I tried to kill myself yesterday",Suicidal +27285,Iv been putting off calling the national suicide call centre due to fears of the police showing up at my door. Iv seen a lot of people say they are able to get the police involved if they want is this true and how can I avoid it if so. I just do not think spending a night in a cell at 20 when I am already depressed as it is will do me any good. Question a bit of help would be appreciated.,Suicidal +27286,"it is true, i do not like anyone.anyone who i want to talk to hates me, insults me, harasses me.downvote if you want, remove if you want, i do not care anymore.i hate you... I hate everyone around me",Depression +27287,"At the beginning, I have not seen professionalist yet. I tried once the school psychologist, but she did not want to listen about my worries that I have depression. She helped me with my father and I do not listen that buying a bottle of water for me is not worth and it is too expensive anymore, so she at least helped me in some sphere.I have been simping girls since I was 6. I have not been in serious relationship and I have not had sex so far. Since I remember I used to have 1 friend, no more than just 1, who was often changing. When I turned 14, it was more difficult to me, so I kept looking desperately for anybody. At this moment, I have one friend who ""survived"" with me surprisingly long, because more than a year is a shock! For 5 years I can count on 1 hand amount of people with who I talk regularly even on chat. I do not go out more often than twice a month with this one friend, because I have no one else to see. It makes me lonely, and it made me addicted to ma******te. I resigned from all kinds of parties, because whenever I try to go for it, it is a disaster! School parties, parties in houses or in clubs, birthdays or anything else, it is always worse than i can even imagine. Last time I ran out crying to my car and I was sitting in there for 30 minutes after 20 min preparing for coming back there from the same car. I was scared and tired, I was so stressed that I vomit immediately everything I tried to eat, so I just drank water. I also completely resigned from drinking alcohol, in 2021 I am 100% clear. Since my 18th birthday (January 2020) I drank max. 10 beers up to August 2020. I used to be stood over by a lot of people on different levels of my education by age-mates. I was called ""fa**ot"", even by my father. I would like to mention here that I always was straight. I keep social distanced, because I cannot deal with people. I am boring and cannot make anybody feel safe because I am weak physically and emotionally. I am lanky but useless. I have good grades, but I am stupid.I am retarded on relationships sphere, but I am not dangerous or aggressive. I am werid and panic a lot. I want to cry in situations when there are a lot of people around me, like in theater. Because of that I would love to move to introvertial Japan, but I will come back to that later. I do not have any useful knowledge or skills that would let me become independent, so I am also addicted to my parents' will. I do everything so slowly and I do not have any power to live. I sleep 10 hours per day, then I go to my seasonal job, come back home, have 3h to waste and go to sleep again, it has some charm that I like. Tomorrow I am getting results from exams I was writting at the end of high school, which will tell me if I have any chances to go to university, but I do not have big hopes. I would like to be journalist or therapist, but I cannot deal with myself, so where is dealing with other people?I live with my parents and grandparents at the same time in the same flat. They are all far religious, so I do not have a choice when it comes to religion. I have to go to church once a week or I will get punished by for example more practicing and praying. They used to breed me together because my parents work a lot so my grandparents were substituting them. I deal with 2 different types of breeding and I must satisfy them all by being nice and kind and do everything they expect and want from me. I am agnostic, but I must pretend I am religious too. When I told honestly my father that I do not pray regularly at home, he treated me like air for 3 weeks - did not talk to me, ignored me etc.they are pragmatic and conservative so I sometimes treat them like they are dumber than me but they have 1 thing I am jealous of - will to live. I would love to sleep forever, because I do not want to take responsibility for my life. I would probably be already dead if I was not so scared of death, thanks to their influence. I do not have anybody who could help me with my hell, which I probably made for my own wish. I do not have power to live, people around me do not see life in me, I am pessimistic and cannot find any good feature in me. I am worthless and I get what I deserve.I find pleasure in fanaticism and obsession. Firstly it were cartoons, then anime, now whole Japan. I am obsessed with it, I would love to move there but I know that I am blind and I do not see disadvantages. I have the feeling like only there I can achieve my biggest dream - happiness. I would probably reject every couple offer from local women because I only find Asian girls attractive. I am more interested in their culture, art, nature, music and more than my local. Maybe I consider it as paradise because it is so far from my actual place of living, my family and more. Sometimes I feel it is achievable, but usually I treat it as dream which is impossible to achieve. I am so separated, but I do not feel any privacy out of my phone because of my brother with who I share my room, and we always get the same things. I feel like I were completely average, Grey person, but under tameness.The worst thing is that I got used to everything of that - not having girlfriend and friends, being addicted and obedient to my family, being weak, dumb and childish, to being ugly and scared of everything. I do not want to change because it is out of my control, I do not want it and probably I would not even have enough power to that. I know s*it and I do not know why I write this. One of my foreign mates from India told me to do that few times this year so I finally did that, but I already consider my life as lost. It all comes to time when I finally die but I do not even know if after death it will be better.I love watching scars, ravens, blood (especially blooding wounds and eyes) and I tried to write a novel in my native language. I did it and published it so I know I left anything on this world but it will not succeed. I am completely apathic and lazy, and probably any help would not let me live normally now, it is already too bad. it is all my fault and I know about it. Stuff like ""everything's going to be OK"" or ""you need to take care of yourself and keep fighting"" do not work on me - it is done. Any speciallist have not told me that I have depression, because I have not visited any forever and I will not do it soon, because I do not have enough money.Thank you for listening to me, I do not expect anything else from you now. I do not have hope, will or power to change my life, so it just depends on time when I will be brave enough to start doing something... to end this. My best friends are funko pops of my favorite band... really, it is comedy, not tragedy.I wish everyone all the best every time because I know how bad can life be and I do not wish it to anybody so please guys, if you are not that down yet, try!Greetings,B! (my name is to hard to spell <3) The most depressing case of undiscovered depression",Depression +27288,"hi,my name is not important.i am and have been since childhood severely deppressed.my psychologist told me that medication is the only way for my mental health, which is not an option for me since i live in iran and cannot afford it...which has the lowest money value in the world.and the jobs (if lucky enough to find any) pay so little that i cannot afford anything good.since i was a child at the age of 7 till 11 i was sexualy abused and was threatened for it.while being physically abused (being beaten) by bigger brother and mother that was so bad i often feared for my life.right now with my english skills and video editing skills I am lucky enough to have a job from home where i can translate and edit videos for a payment that equals to 25 us dollars per month.not to make it political but...iran is a dictatorship.where if you are lgbt they kill you. if you protest they kill you. if you are an atheist they also kill you.and right now there are power outages everyday that last maybe 2 or 4 hours a day.so my editing and translation job is screwed up too.i have had 2 suicide attempts ( pills and cutting my wrist )both failed because i am a pathetic loser who cannot do anything.right now my mother has left the house and i am alone with my father, so i cook everyday.and everyday that passes by.i just feel afraid, alone, suicidal, hopeless, stressed, and having constant nightmares.in my entire life there has not been a happy moment.i honestly do not have the smallest clue on how i can stop myself from suicide. i hate life so much.",Depression +27289,"Life back when I was younger was so great. No worries once so ever. I am growing up and I am terrified to.Life & responsibilites keep getting added into my life. It only got better for me in a few moments and now I am back, still miserable. I have tried to kill myself before and they were all too painful. I just want to sleep forever.I feel like such a disappointment to my parents. They love me and I still feel like shit inside. I cannot mantain friendships so what is the point? It gets harder as you get older. Everything does. I just do not want to live in such a depressing world. It likely will not be livable by the time I am older.Oh, and I made this account because someone I know would bother me if they saw this post. I use to be so happy.",Suicidal +27290,"Then again, money does not matter if you are dead.I am just saying, when you want, say, a new pair of shoes when you already have 5 nice pairs... Do you think about not getting them for the fact that you are suicidal and they will just be ANOTHER thing someone has to get rid of after you are gone? Or do you buy them and enjoy them, even if you will be gone tomorrow?I am having trouble enjoying my life without feeling bad for making my mom buy me things I want. Because in the end, it could all be a waste of money. Money we do not have.I do not know how much sense that makes, but please someone tell me they think this way, too. Ever want something really bad but then remember you feel like dying and it would not be worth the money?",Depression +27291,"I found a way to kill myself, now all I have to do is wait for the occasion; I am going to get drunk and jump off a bridge into water. This is the most peaceful way to go I could come up with. I am domestically abused by my mom and there is no way out of this household. The solution might seem obvious, get a job, spare money, find a place to live. But the problem is that my mom will not let me move out because, according to our culture, women should not move out of their parents house until they get a husband. She keeps threatening to kill me, get me tortured etc. even though I am doing my best to appease her. When somebody else makes her mad she lashes out on me and my 3 younger half-sisters, who are basically being raised by me because my mom and step-father do not want to take care of themMoving out secretly is not an option either because in order to do that I would have to have a job, and my mom will not let me get one. I do not even have a bank account despite being on the verge of turning 18. My school noticed that there is something wrong with me because I kept falling asleep in the middle of classes so they made me talk to my school counselor, I told her almosr everything so she contacted some organization that helps troubled young people. They were supposed to help me with moving out but they could not do anything, of course they did not explicitly say that but they told me multiple times that my situation is ""very difficult"", that they are not sure what to do, they even straight up told me that I am trapped. My mom hid MY documents away from me, does not let me go out (I have to stay home 24/7, look after my 3 half-sisters and do chores), does not care about my education, forces her beliefs on me and physically and psychologically abuses me like I am not obedient like a fucking dog. My mom is not even employed, she never works. She either goes out with her friends or lounges at home and does nothing all day. I have no decent future ahead of me. Of course I am not blaming everything on my mom, I brought some of this upon myself too. I cannot wait to fucking die",Suicidal +27292,"I cannot, I have had enough. I am so fucking tired, nothing's getting better. I have tried so hard, but I cannot do it anymore. it is too much, too exhausting. My last group of friends were right. I do not deserve to be alive.I have not felt real in so long; I have not felt like myself in longer, I- I just want to feel like I belong again.God, I would do anything for a hug right now. Why does living have to be so tiring? I cannot do this anymore.",Suicidal +27293,"I am planning to kms soon, idk if I will pull through with it bc I am a fucking pussy but I already have more or less of a plan. Fuck this.",Suicidal +27294,So i have been reading about side affects and people are saying talking about the insomnia and luckily i have not had anything bad just a headache. But I am only on day 3 and to be honest I am feeling ok. So my question is when should i take this prozac. I take it in the morning right now and its making me drowsy and sleepy but I am thinking this is just a side affect and maybe i should keep taken it in the morning untill this side affects go away. But on the other hand I am thinking should i take it at night. But if the drowsiness is just a side affect and it goes away then i should not take it at night because of the insomnia side affect. I am really confused on this.. Has anyone experience this any help would be very appreciated. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. Can someone help me with this decision about prozac.,Depression +27295,SICKE BITCHES!!!!!! I do not feel that shit . Happiness,Depression +27296,I am trying to make a checklist of things to do to avoid the deepest pits of depression - or at least mitigate the damage done when in that hole. Just a list of things to maintain or have someone else help me (or you) maintain to reduce the impact of those times - if they cannot be avoided entirely. Thought some of you might have some ideas I have not thought of. So far I have: 1. Are you gaming too much? (I tend to use games to avoid my problems)2. Have you been drinking enough water? 3. Do you need a haircut? (When my hair gets long I tend to let go of all my other grooming which just makes everything worse)4. Have you done the laundry?5. Is there plenty of food in the house? (If I do not have easily accessible food in bad times I either will not eat or will eat terribly unhealthy food)it is a start. I am curious what things you notice in your own life that are markers for you of mental health slipping. Please comment. Mental health maintenance checklist,Depression +27297,"I am 17, and I want to cut it short, I do not want to live the other 50+ years of my life in pain and misery.I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Psychotic Depression. I am a burden on others, a parasite. Whenever I do not hear from my SO, I freak out. I literally cannot start my day without hearing from them and I feel like a burden on them.Secondly, I live in one of the worst countries in Europe (Turkey) and while I considered going to university abroad, because of COVID and the state of the economy, I do not think its possible. To make it worse, I am queer and an atheist, so I am hated by most Turkish people as Turks generally tend to be bigots. I just want my pain to end, please help. Help me",Suicidal +27298,I finally got away from my abusive family and have my own apartment but I am still not happy. I am studying to be a vet technician. But even if I graduate and get this job. I still do not think I will be happy. I do not think I will ever be happy.,Suicidal +27299,"When I was not depressed I could walk into my home, work, or school and feel like I knew the people there. I was apart of a system and I felt valued. But recently things have just been so shitty, with covid-19 and everything. I have moved so much in 3 years and I feel so uncomfortable now with my surroundings, I want to move back to where I was born so I can be happy again. Even if I do not know anyone there I can still feel safe there.Problem is, rent is insanely expensive. I hate menial jobs in general because it rots my brain away, so I guess it is like. Thanks society and capitalism! Guess I was just built to fuck up in this world we live in today I remembered what it was like not to be depressed",Depression +27300,I am in my 30s but my body feels like I am 80. it is so weak and fragile. it feels like i aged 50yrs in last few yrs my body feels like I am 80,Depression +27301,"it is hard to deal with the knowledge. What knowledge? If I say, I just sound crazy. What, like secret government psychic forensic hit jobs in history class, what, like little alien beings that exist like holograms inside real looking people? you are crazy man, society does not want you. Your so-called friends have long since abandoned you, and you are a burden to your family. You have no future, noone cares about you who you do not pay to help you, and really even the doctors are tired of your typical bullshit. It does not matter you saw through all the horse-shit about Iraq and Afghanistan, you did not risk your life for all the wrong reasons, and so you are the coward, and people think less of you. Unless they need your help. But only because they need something do they ever come around. that is less and less these days, because they do not need you anymore, not at all, really.The meds make you feel like dogshit, but if you do not take them you go to the psych ward. Fuck you. you are not too disabled to work, but you are too disabled to own firearms. I hate this bullshit. If I really was so dangerous, there would be dead people in my wake by now, stabbed or strangled, or whatever, I can be deadly with a spork. Fuck you. Dangerous to myself and others. Fuck you, take my rights, but make sure I work like a slave. I just .... eat shit and die. Happy fourth of July, this country is a farce. you again?",Suicidal +27302,Planning over and over to end my life but I cannot. Everything I do I feel like I have failed or hurt people I love. I always seem to sabotage something when it is going great. I know my days are numbered. I do not know how to escape this I am a failure,Depression +27303,Admitting to yourself that you have been doing the wrong things is painful. And right now I am going through that phase. This pain makes me just want to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. But I think I can get past it. I feel like one of the biggest hurdles to getting better is that you got to admit to yourself that you have been doing the wrong things for a long time,Depression +27304,"Hi everyone.I have a weird thing about me and I do not know where to ask about it.I am not exactly depressed. I feel excitement about a lot of things, I work out, trying to eat healthier, study, work on my own small project. I would say I am perfectly fulfilled, but I cannot feel joy.More specifically joy when my partner is happy.I do not know why, she told me that whenever she sees that I am excited about something , she also becomes happy, because I am happy. But for some reason this does not work for me, whenever I see her being excited or happy about something, I do not become happy. I am not sad either. Like my mood does not change. And when I think about I am never really happy. I feel positive emotions, like excitement, intrigue, hype a lot of positive emotions, but I just cannot really get this happiness thing. What should I do?Anyone knows what is this, and how to fix it? Weird thing about me",Depression +27305,"Book wise, movie wise, music wise... what soothes you or makes you feel less desperate when you are in a bad mental space? what media helps you when you are depressed?",Depression +27306,Admitting to yourself that you have been doing the wrong things is painful. And right now I am going through that phase. This pain makes me just want to hop in bed and stare at the ceiling. But I think I can get past it. I feel like one of the biggest hurdles to getting better is that you got to admit to yourself that you have been doing things wrong for a long time,Depression +27307,"Regarding someone I know who had some questions;they are not sure how to leave without being a mess to clean up and a letdown just for people who cared about them or believed in them.they are not sure how to make proactive arrangements towards the day being less of a hassle for everyone and without them trying to stop them.Other than making sure their living space is clean to be rented afterwards, is it possible for me to call a lawyer and tell them I would like to make arrangements in the event of my death? Or any tools to help clean up a Facebook profile and cancel subscriptions and mail?What fees would their family be responsible for?If they have criminal charges, would they be assumed as guilty out of their absence? What would happen in the days or weeks following or how long would it take to clean the mess? After someone is death, is it generally all settled within a month? Is it better to die at any age or time of the year for any reason? they would like they are death to not be as much of a burden for people as their life is on people I think.Making a body considered art or an exhibit can maybe dodge some of that and help it all be appreciate it beyond a dead body. At least then it might be deserving of their attention instead of just what they expected.If a body were appreciated after death, it could be seen as having done more than anything it could do in life.Unrelated but it is interesting that serotonin levels can drop to where someone would prefer death, but they lack the motivation needed to commit because of the same serotonin drop. Duality of serotonin?If you have any answers before it is deleted, it is appreciated. cleanup",Suicidal +27308,"Usually I struggle to talk about things like the direct topic of suicide, but recently I have been having a lot of dangerous thoughts. I think I still have some hope so I really do not expect myself to, but a lot has been happing to me. both of my parents are alcoholics and my mother is disabled, so we have always been rather financially strained. Recently, one of my aunts sadly passed away (and I was not able to travel and say goodbye which I strongly dislike), but because of this we have money from her estate coming , but it has really been straining everything since my mom tends to get somewhat controlling and stubborn when the topic of buying things is in the convo. My dad is never home because he has a girlfriend (my mom knows, she is fine with it), so he never has much say in anything. And meanwhile I usually get swept up by toxic friend groups online, and I suspect I have quite a few mental disorders but until I am professionally diagnosed, I do not trust myself with that task. I have lost nearly all of the personality I have had over the year and am so matter of fact now and I cannot stand it. I never express emotions much either because I tend to hold them in a lot. Due to the financial strain, we have had to move a lot so keeping friends is impossible. And if it is not us moving its them moving, so I have never had a friend for more than a year or so in person, but I have lots of friends online who tend to stick to talking about me being financially unwell or physically unwell. I have decided I cannot rely on my personality so I need to rely on looks more to make relationships even if it is with undesirable people, which is really pushing my physical limits and makes me feel sick rather often. I am medium in that aspect, and am somewhat intelligent I assume but based off of my grades for the past year, if I am intelligent then I am also really awful at time management and study tactics. I do not even know where this is going anymore (if you cannot tell, I am very much a rambler), but I just really wish I had someone to talk to other than myself. Myself feels like it is well past the full mark, and like I am about to have some sort of manic episode. really sorta struggling",Suicidal +27309,"so. its that time in my life again where the antidepressants stop working, no matter how much i increase the doseage this is the 3rd antidepressant now that is not working anymore, I have been on it for just under a year now (citalopram). this has been a cycle since i was 14, I am 20 now. I am sick of it all!! sick of medication",Depression +27310,"if this is not a sign to give up, idk what is. nobody wants anything to do with me I have called the doctor surgery every day this week at 8am, which is when the line opens. every time I am greeted by someone really rude who tells me all appointments are booked today - even though all I need is a telephone call",Suicidal +27311,"life has no meaning anymore, everything is just the opposite of how it should be, I am only 15 and I have been feeling like this for years, i have no friends, i want to do something this summer but there really is nothing to do, me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago after a year and 2 months, she is already done stuff with another guy and she acted like she never cared about me, i have absolutely nothing, as a christian i pray that i can just be happy for once, but i never am, i just want this all to be over. I am so done with this",Suicidal +27312,Anyone please write to me private message... Is anyone here from Slovakia or Czech republic?,Suicidal +27313,"I am heavily invested in my future and spend excessive hours reading, learning, and planning things I want for my kids to have that I did not, but honestly I feel like it is consuming me. it is like an obsession or compulsion, a constant pressure to do more and more, it is never enough and I justify it to myself as being immoral *not* to do these things so long as there is something that could be done. I just feel like in today's society there are far too many avenues to failure, and myself being someone who had a bright future yet failed due to my mental health going unchecked for so long I do not want that to happen again. Anyway, I am basically what someone would call a ""tryhard"", at life. I am a strange person and as a result I am lonely as fuck Feeling dissociated and lonely",Suicidal +27314,"After all these years and all the things I have been through I am thowing in the towl. I have been suicidal since i was 9 or 10 and I have never thought I would have made as far as 17. When the pandemic happened and crushed my dreams for 2020 I still held on for more than a year and will probably live to see it end. I hate myself with a passion but at the same time I will admit that I am proud of myself for making it this far. I truly never thought I could do it. Even before the pandemic I endured abuse, social exclusion, and intense loneliness at school for years. I even got to graduate high school. But all of this has taken such a hight toll on me and I just do not have it in me anymore. I seriously cannot do this anymore and I do not see much of a point either. I recently decided I would pull a middle finger on the universe and I finally realised that all this pain was not worth it. In fact it was all for nothing. Well it looks like I have lost to depression and sometimes I have this feeling if this pandemic did not happen victory could have been mine. I do not have a method yet but when I obtain one I will be on my way. When that time comes I will die knowing that I gave it all I had. I have lost the battle.",Suicidal +27315,"I do not want to live anymore. I am 16 and everything in my life, sucks.My parents have been divorced for years, we moved across countries, my father started a new family and when he heard that I do not see his family as my family he sent me off to a therapist. I have got absolutely no support in anything, from anyone. When I grow up, I want to be a musician, but my parents do not like that Idea at all. They also play the victim card on me all the time, and when I confront them about their parenting they turn it around on me. sorry this is so messy, I could get into much of this stuff, I just know no one cares and has the time to read so much. I just do not want to continue living. I am so tired of trying. there is no point, in anything. I have never felt this way in my life, but there is just no getting around it.1 day ago I was about to kill myself, when I realised I do not want to. And truth is, I do not want to die, i just do not want to live anymore, I do not know if anyone understands what I am saying. I just want time to freeze forever. I am out of options, I do not know what to do. I am posting this here because, why the f not, and I have never even talked about this to anyone. I mean, I talk about stuff like this with my therapist, but, I do not even have motivation to keep on going to him. it is probably due to my family saying that only weak people go to therapists and that I do not need him... But they are the ones who sent me to the therapist??I know this is like, really bad writing, but I do not know anymore. Through my life I have had so many issues, and always tried to face them, but without any motivation from anyone around me, I just do not know what to do. I am incredibly sad. I just do not want to.",Depression +27316,"I have to do 2 resits upcoming week. If I fail one of the two I will have failed this year. If that happens it will also be the last time I fail in life, because if I fail the resits I will do something at the end of the week and that will be something I will not fail at. It will be the last thing I ever do. Possible last week.",Suicidal +27317,I have diagnosed of depression last week. Taking anti-depressants right now just makes me weak but plus to that I do not feel like doing what I have to do. I want to go out instead and have fun. Is it normal? Thanks in advance Hey depressed fellow here just want to know if it is normal that I am not feeling like reviewing for my exams and that I just want to get out and be around people all the time,Depression +27318,I did not show up for work yesterday and a day last week now they want to speak to me . I am just fatigued all the time and unmotivated in life in general how I am I suppose to explain that? I am also behind on alot of work but I am just so unmotivated to do it. Its like my body shuts down anytime I want to be productive. Last night I thought about going out for a run I just felt tired and when I woke up it was 1am. I cannot keep going on like this but I do not know how to get out of this cycle Tired of messing up but I am always fatigued,Depression +27319,"I broke up with so many friends lately, people are tired of me, now with the summer vacation I am home alone most of the time, I do not meet students and I lose myself easily.No job, nothing, cannot find anything good to do.I am going to lose my mind, and I genuinely want to end this.If I could, I would freeze myself and come back years later, but I cannot exactly. So my best method to escape reality is suicide, just ending it all, once and for all. I am writing this as I am supposed to celebrate 18 today.I want to forget all my problems, and stop getting complaints about every small thing I do.I am an emotional person, to the point where if somebody calls me a baby it could literally ruin my whole day.Help.Me.Please. I am 18, still depressed, and do not have long to live.",Suicidal +27320,"When I am disciplined with life and do the things I need to and am supposed to do as per society, work, socialise, do things, gym etc, somehow it makes me more depressed. I am quite happy lying around in bed, watching movies, getting stoned (I have quit for months now due to money, long term health reasons), living frugally, using no social media and its probably all Id do if I was rich but in better surroundings. I must like being depressed",Depression +27321,"Is it climate change? Is it the rising housing prices? Is it my worthless brain? Is it to pay bills, with money I do not have, from jobs I cannot keep? Is it to be alone forever, each day growing further apart from my friends & family? Is it watching my family grow older and older and dying and having to take care of them? Is it working for any reason and having your savings stolen by your parent? Is it living with repressed childhood trauma and untreated ADHD for my entire life? Is it constantly getting my hopes up about a job or college and then quitting after one week? Is it laying in bed wanting to just sleep until I am dead?Jesus H fucking Christ. No good comes from my being alive. it is JUST suffering. Never any happiness, never any success, never any connections with anyone, never any sympathy or accomodations for living with multiple disabilities, nothing.Anyone who says I ought to deal with any one of these things, and not just off myself over it, is a fucking moron who gets off on the idea of ""saving lives."" it is really disgusting to me. ""Oh, why do not you prolong your suffering for me? I like to watch sick things have a slow and miserable death."" that is all any of these sick fucks are really saying. Fuck them. Honest to God, what reason do I have to be alive?",Suicidal +27322,"I know that if I fuck up a suicide attempt, the rest of my life is fucked. I have already almost tried multiple times. For example I wanted to get a fork and stick it into the power outlet, or cut my arm open, etc. But with a suicide attempt, there is always the chence of fucking up. And I cannot even do simple tasks like sweeping up. I cannot even properly hold silverware while eating (I give my autism the fault). So how should I be able to commit suicide?The saddest thing about this is that I am only 15, so I have barely seen any shit in life. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the fear of failing",Suicidal +27323,"I am 25 year old. I have had a depressed mindset since childhood. I have had bouts of anxiety before. I think it is due to the stupid upbringing of my parents. I have to drink my self to sleep daily. I eat once a day , dinner time, work from 10am to 8pm daily except sundays when i get off at 3pm. I have no life outside work except for 2-3 drinking buddies. I have no girlfriend. I am free only on sundays, but stupid weekend lockdowns here have made it impossible to shop for clothes. My clothes are mostly faded and over used. My shoes have a hole. I bought a motorbike a few months ago. I do not ride it. I want to sell it off. I do not have space for a car. Dad keeps his car stuck to him always. I make good money. But i live in a small town. There is nothing to spend it on here except shit food and alcohol. This makes me want to run away to a better place. Maybe in the mountains where life is chill. I live with my parents . My father just keeps on piling loans on me. My mother sleeps all day, cooks the shitiest food on the planet. When i try to sit for. Alk , father only talks about work , mother instantly starts asking for money/phone/ jwellery. I have stopped talking to them. I want to cook food i like it. But my small home has 1 common kitchen where my mother roams around. So i do not go there. Chicken and eggs are not allowed. I cannot eat grass all day. I want to run away",Depression +27324,"I really wish I could hug all of you that are hurting right now and take your pain away. I understand how you feel and always remember that there is one person out here that cares for you whole heartedly. Hey there, I love you",Suicidal +27325,"Me and my ex girlfriend recently broke up and it was due to me being very emotionally abusive (i.e. lying, gaslighting, yelling, put downs) and me looking at girls on instagram. Prior to our relationship i have always had problems with my mental health. I did not want to hurt her, i truly did not because i do love her. She says I do not and everybody says if you are an abuser you do not but ik i love her. she is the sweetest girl, so smart, so beautiful, respectful, so unique, and very very loving. From where I am from (nor cal) young people my age are acting grown and not respecting themselves (boys and girls) but she had so much respect for herself and no girl is like her or even similar. I try to convince my self that I am over her bc its been so long but I am not. She took me back after fucking up so many times and yet i kept doing it. She got tired of it. I have been molested, made fun of all my life, have been emotionally abused since childhood, but my mental health should not be an excuse for why i did what i did. She says I am a bad person, and so do a lot of people and i agree. I am a horrible human being who does not deserve anything good in life. Just the accumulation of trauma and the loss of my first love is unbearable. I am too overwhelmed and i feel so alone. Every damn day is just the fucking same now, wake up, smoke, play the game, nap, smoke, play the game and repeat and i really really really want to end this cycle. Ik its my fault i feel this way and i deserve it for hurting one of gods precious angels. I go to sleep every night wishing i die in my sleep.help meplease Stuck",Suicidal +27326,"I have a good life, great parents, wonderful sister friends, a gf, education. I am good at hiding how I feel but for years inside I have been cracking and now I feel like its all too much and all I want to do is die. Please god can something kill me I cannot love myself (m21)",Depression +27327,I am unintelligent and lack of creativeness other also think I am stupid too. I am isolated... I wish i was born smart. This is just beyond bad luck i rather have adhd or sth at least it is a good excuse to not feel bad about myself... Is it worth to keep on living like this?,Depression +27328,"And my defence mechanism to it is that, what if I pull a sneaky on life and end it before life takes good things away from me?. I am not going to die though. Like idk how to explain. I do not want to kill myself as such, but if something accidentally happens to me, I have no interest in surviving. I want to die accidentally because I do not have the guts to end my own life. Having an overprotective father does not help the because. Tired of feeling like everything good is going to be taken away from me",Depression +27329,"My psychiatrist revealed my diagnosis to me a few days ago. I suffer from severe depression and I have anxiety. I am on medication and recently my doses increased. I would like to speak to someone in a similar situation or just talk with someone in general, idk.I am mexican, I speak a bit of english and I have something is to talk about. Also likes poetry. that is something nice about me. My psychiatrist revealed my diagnosis to me a few days ago.",Depression +27330,"I cannot take this shit anymore. I just want to die in my sleep. I do not want to overdose, hang myself, fall off a building or other painful ways. Man i just do not want to wake up anymore. Is there a way just to die in your sleep?",Suicidal +27331,"A lot of advice when it comes to trying to socialize, find friends, so is revolves around being yourself. ""Just be yourself and someone will find you interesting"" they say.Well here lies my problem. I have no idea who I am. I have been depressed for so long that I lost identity, I lost personality. Things I used to enjoy no longer bring me joy. When I find something that does bring me joy and happiness it is very short-lived and it becomes dull and pointless in mere days. For the past few years I have just been a husk. Sitting and walking around my apartment with no motivation, no ambition, no joy. The occasional bursts of motivation, happiness fade so quickly that I wish they would never come in the first place.I do not know how to get out of this, I do not even know if there is a way for me. I do not know who I am",Depression +27332,"I have thought about ending it all so many times but now the time has come. I really start consider it as an option. Before this very day I always could convince myself that there is at least something to go for, one goal to achieve and work for but not anymore.After more than 10 years I finaly met the love of my life and I really could not be happier that day, it was even more than I hoped for.That did not last until the end of the day though when she confessed to me the following things:- It was purely exhausting for her and not a single minute of relaxation.- Nothing ever had a meaning for her.- She also said she had to meet someone in real life to have a connection to them, she did not build up one to me though.- The chances of her falling in love with me ever so slightly are even worse than before.- She only desired me because her boyfriend neglected her.- Cuddling with me never felt good for her in any way, she wanted to make me happy for at least one moment, which she achieved mind you.She also told me she does not know yet if she even wants to see me again which hit the hardest of all. I did not just lose all hope in ever being in a relationship with the woman I love but I also know now how much of a burden I am to even have around.You might find my problems laughable but there really was nothing else in my life I ever had to go for but her and now I have ruined it by being myself. I do not know how I will do it yet but I am pretty sure now I have completed the last chapter in my life and it was such a bittersweet ending. I have lost the last meaning in my life",Suicidal +27333,"For those of you who have not tried meditating or practicing yoga yet, try it.I know that when you are depressed you do not feel like doing anything anymore. I myself feel that way.But even doing it for at least 5 minutes can help.I hope it made you feel better (for at least 30 seconds i hope) Something to cope",Depression +27334,I am so tired of pretending I am fine. I am so tired of hiding the fact that I am tracking every calorie that goes into my body. I am so tired of acting like i do not want to overdose every second of every day. I am so tired of pretending I am not starving. I am so tired of hiding the blood running down my legs each night. i do not want to be here anymore,Suicidal +27335,"I am really desperate to live alone again. Being in this house and room is so hard and no one understands it. I cannot talk to anyone about it. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is try to stifle tears and calm myself down. I am frustrated with myself because I can recognise that I am so worn down and depressed I have stopped trying to look for a way out. I keep waiting for someone or something to save me and its not going to happen. I am trapped and I am not freeing myself. I am fat and stupid and ugly and difficult but I still wish something good would happen. I should be fasting, why did I eat the leftover potato salad",Depression +27336,I am sorry I am sorry i made studying as Joke and now I am suffering from my consequence I am going to fail you are going to die and i failed you i cannot change my fixed mindset is ruining me i want to end this all i all my fault I am so sorry mom I failed you mom,Suicidal +27337,Being told to end my life by the only person I have ever loved is an indication that I should have done this a long time ago Why not?,Suicidal +27338,"cannot even decide where to start. Low self esteem, no personality, I do not know who I am. I never feel like I am worth or enough, feel a burden to everyone I encounter, I feel like people avoid me or if they hang out with me it is just because they pity me.I fell out with all of my friends, because I am just a pushover who cannot set proper boundaries, let them walk all over me to the point I get so hurt I lose my ability to deal with them and burn the bridges so I do not have to be around their toxic energy ever again.My job sucks, I am broke and underpaid, I cannot make any plans for the future, I am covered in debt and I cannot see a way out unless I find a better job and upgrade/learn new skills, which I do not know how to.I have met this amazing guy who seems to be really into me, he has a good job, nice flat, and he is well put together, I have not felt this chemistry and attraction in years and I am terrified knowing that we are the same age and I am nowhere near him in life. I am terrified to the thought of starting to seriously date him because I know I do not have a lot to give him, I feel like I would just be a burden to him and an embarrassment and I hate myself for it. I cannot even take care of myself how can I take care of a partnerif they need?everyone is life would be so much easier if I just did not exist. I hate me, I just wish I was dead",Depression +27339,"Last week I did the most disgusting thing by cheating on my husband with his best friend, who was the best man at our wedding. We have only been married for a year and a half. We have a 6 month old son. He found out a couple of days after it happened. I feel disgusting and awful and that I devour any happiness he once had. I think about disappearing constantly. Every time I am in the car I have an urge just to drive into a tree. I cannot believe I have done this to such a beautiful person. I feel like I need to remove myself from existence so he can start to heal. I deserve everything bad and terrible. I do not want to because anymore pain. I need to disappear. Cheated on my husband with his best friend (The Best man at our wedding)",Suicidal +27340,"I do not see a way out of my head and a way to change my life for the better. I will never be happy or feel great.Id like my family to know, that i wish to be dead. That, when ill kill myself, ill be at peace.I going to kill myself in a pine forest by the coast. Ill have hanged myself. I will have ended my useless existance. I believe my life ends in suicide.",Suicidal +27341,I took 50mg of seroquel a few hours after I drank I am panicking please help. Ik it sounds like a joke but I have severe anxiety please someone Am I going to be ok,Suicidal +27342,"that is what has happened to me last week. And now it is more then a week that with depression, I have also insomnia... I could not sleep because something good for once happened, and I was too exited to sleep. I felt SOMETHING, and then, everything as always went to fucking shit. So if before I could not sleep by excitement now I cannot by desperation. I need to know if someone else experienced the same specific thing because I feel the most miserable dude on the earth. I just cannot put up with this anymore... Having your last hope of being happy again being shattered to million little pieces and actually become even more depressed",Depression +27343,Ever just feel alone in a house full of people? Been in my room crying because this loneliness sucks! Alone,Depression +27344,Politicians. Neighbors. Corporations. Society. Culture. You name it. Nothing redeeming about anything at all. Just venting. Or calmly observing I look around and all I see is hideousness after hideousness everywhere.,Depression +27345,"I feel like I am just existing, but for what. I have been depressed for a while now but recently my girlfriend of 9 years has broken up with me and things are now so much worse. I have social anxiety and just feel like I will never meet someone again. I feel abandoned and upset. I have dark thoughts quite often and question the reasons to even stay alive. The only reason I am still here is because of my family. My mum in particular has said in the past she would never forgive me for doing such a selfish act. I love my family to bits and I would hate to put them through it. So I am simply here in body but not in mind, what a sad life Existing",Depression +27346,"He said he had not felt that way before, suggeted I go rest and so ..TRIGGER AHEAD IF YOUI'RE A HYPOCONDRIAC LIKE ME: i decide to look up ""feelings of doom"" in hopes of maybe getting sucked into some rabbit hole of ludicrous conspiracy, a stupid ""are you psychic"" test or new age b.s., something I could even laugh at down the road. No, I ended up reading that this sense of doom can be indicative of various health ailments; one of which I am prone to.. So on top of my ""doom"" to my gloom..I am now f'n worried about my heart. I do happen to have a physical in 48 hours.",Stress +27347,"Hey there r/assistance, Not sure if this is the right place to post this.. but here goes =) I'm currently a student intern at Sandia National Labs and working on a survey to help improve our marketing outreach efforts at the many schools we recruit at around the country. We're looking for current undergrad/grad STEM students so if you're a STEM student or know STEM students, I would greatly appreciate if you can help take or pass along this short survey. As a thank you, everyone who helps take the survey will be entered in to a drawing for chance to win one of three $50 Amazon gcs.",Normal +27348,"My mom then hit me with the newspaper and it shocked me that she would do this, she knows I don't like play hitting, smacking, striking, hitting or violence of any sort on my person. Do I send out this vibe asking for it from the universe? Then yesterday I decided to take my friend to go help another ""friend"" move to a new place. While we were driving the friend we are moving strikes me on my shoulder. And I address it immediately because this is the 4th time I have told him not to do these things, then my other friend who is driving nearly gets into an collision with another car i think because he was high on marijuana and the friend we are moving in the backseat is like ""you have to understand I was just trying to get your attention"" you know the thing 5 year olds do to get peoples attention by smacking them, this guy is in his 60's.",Stress +27349,"until i met my new boyfriend, he is amazing, he is kind, he is sweet, he is a good student, he likes the same things as me, my family likes him, and so on... but i dont feel that passion that rush i felt with my ex, the truth is that when i started going out with my boyfriend i secretly saw my ex a few times to see if i really didnt feel nothing for him, but it was disgusting, i didnt even want him to touch me, i feel bad with myself i didnt want him, but still, i was there. then i kinda realized i felt nothing love related for him and it was ok, HE was HURT when he knew i was dating this boy and he even begged me to stay but of course not. but now the problem is that when im with my boyfriend i dont feel like i love him, like that thing you kinda have to feel with a new love, i just feel ""ok"" with him, and i catch myself thinking about my ex from time to time, remembering all the good things we had and it drives me crazy because i know that if i see him again i wont feel that way, that ""love"" that my mind makes me think stills there. and recently i found out that he has a girl and he is actually enjoying the experience and i got so mad and so hurt (i know i dont have any right to feel that way) i felt betrayed and I STILL feel that way, i gross myself out.",Stress +27350,"October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I am a domestic violence survivor who is still struggling, even after over four years. Lately I have been feeling very angry. Angry that my abusive ex received no real consequences for his actions. This man abused me in all manners: physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, financially, etc. I was granted a restraining order against him (and it was renewed a year later) but I was unable to press criminal charges against him because I didn’t have enough evidence to have a case.",Stress +27351,"I think he doesn't want to put in the effort for the relationship to work (and we're both so difficult that we have to work on our relationships, doesn't matter with whom) but he can't be without me either. What should I do? I'm afraid this is gonna happen over and over again, because I'm always forgiving him at some point. Am I being strung along? TL;DR: Boyfriend [28,M] broke up with me [23,F] after on-off for 1.5 years, I thought we just got it together and am devastated...don't know what to do, want to keep fighting but should I?",Stress +27352,"It was a big company so luckily I didn't have to see him all the time, but when I did, he again acted as though I didn't exist. I tried to talk to him and update him on the pregnancy, and ask him to be involved for our child's sake, and he literally stared right through me without saying a word. 3 months after our daughter was born, I texted him and told him he was missing out on the most amazing person in this world, and how it wasn't fair to her. To my surprise, he wrote back and wanted to see her. He apologized, said he had changed and within a couple of months, we were engaged.",Normal +27353, It cleared up and I was okay but. On Monday I was thinking about humans and how the brain works and it tripped me out I got worried that because I was thinking about how the brain works that I would lose sleep and I did. That night was bad just like last time. Also yesterday my sleep was bad I woke up like every hour of the night just like last time. I got kind of scared like I did last time but this time I think that this is fake life which is absurd but I just think about it then get really scared then I think rationally then calm down.,Stress +27354,"I actually give an assistant half my emergency fee to come help me sometimes. I feel unsafe driving to ""house calls"" in the middle of the night by myself. I frequently bring my husband along as a makeshift “tech” or when I feel unsafe, which is obviously unfair to him. Unhappy Husband: My husband is miserable both with his 60 minute commute and with our isolation out here in the country. We feel like we have no social life out here.",Stress +27355,"I just feel like the street life has fucked my head up. There's so much I don't even know how to talk about anymore, I just hold that shit. Only person I can really chat with is a pal I know at the bar. He has PTSD and shit from the military bad, hard up alcoholic nowadays after killing people.. We talk once every few weeks and we are open and it's cool. But normal people?",Stress +27356,"Next week I’ll be flying for our family vacation. The flights won’t be very long (just MSY to LAS then LAX to MSY on the way home), but flying really triggers my anxiety. Mostly I just like having control over myself and my surroundings, so the idea of being in a metal tube 30,000 feet in the air is not ideal for me. I also have a lot of fears about terrorist attacks/mass shootings (movie theaters and other crowded public places are also a problem for me). I was wondering if anyone has any tips for flying anxiety/fear.",Stress +27357,"Everything sets me off and I'm almost having a panic attack. I'm going to my dads soon and that also makes me anxious because I'm afraid that I'm not in the mental state to go there and I want to stay at my moms but he really isn't happy when I do that. Anyway when she complains or is feeling bad I comfort her and I've never raised my voice at her even when frustrated. When she thinks I disagree with her she raises her voice, I have to talk about what she wants to in general right now because she gets impatient easily. I feel like vomiting because she also has so many redeeming factors but I don't want to lose her as a friend.",Stress +27358,"I’ve been taking 12.5 mgs zoloft for about 6 months (yeah, super small dose .. but it was taking the edge off, i think). I decided to stop taking it for a few days to see if it was really helping. Now, about 40 hours since my last dose, I’m suddenly kind of shaky and also flushed (my cheeks are burning for no reason. And THOSE side effects are about to freak me out - do you think it is from my missed dose? Is it possible to have such a fast reaction?",Stress +27359,"No place in my city has shelter space for us, and I won't put my baby on the literal street. (I've been there before. Fine for new, but I don't want to have to go through that with a baby). What cities have good shelter programs for homeless mothers and children? I'd love to be able to make some calls and get on a greyhound between the 7th and 16th (when I'll likely be able to get the money to go).",Stress +27360,These past couple of months have been the worst. My anxiety has gotten so bad it’s effecting my sleep and relationship. I’ve become so paranoid about my health as well. I don’t feel like me anymore and I just feel scared all the time now over every little thing. I don’t have money to see a therapist either...,Stress +27361,"I asked him three time what happened. And after the third time I cried and went home. Month later he still don't talk to me and he and my mother started fighting for the first time in the relationship. Me and my mother honestly don't know what to do, he just ignores me. I even told him that I don't date that guy(even though I date him) and he didn't even react to it.",Stress +27362,"The sensation lasted hours. It seemed like a circulation problem, and I panicked and of course ended up in the ER again. This time a doctor came to see me immediately. He wanted to talk about my anxiety. He said he could run some more tests, but he didn't think it would help.",Stress +27363,It did hurt but didn’t leave any marks. When I lied down I kept coughing and today it feels kinda constricted like there’s a lump in my throat. I’ve googled and realised how serious it can be and now I’m terrified but scared to go doctor. What do I do I’m not calling police and I am not going to any hospital. I will go to doctor if they are sensitive about it,Stress +27364,"This is helping to get kids in the area tan ability to practice and a strong group of girls to look up to. So if you would please help busboy donating, even a dollar, would be amazing for not only us but the future generations of kids. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, even if you don't donate, you reading this showed you cared enough to open the link :) Here is also a link to our softball teams website: Now the actual information you'll find on the campaign page is listed here!",Normal +27365,"We had plans to move in together, a fancy $1,800/month home that she would contribute $400 or so. We spoke of children, marriage, all sorts of stuff. It's not that I thought she owed me anything for me doing these things. It's just that I felt like I did so incredibly much and it kills me that I look back and know that over a 5 month period, we only had intimate contact less than 15 times, that we never made out, outside sex (and I initiated and was rejected many, many times). Every time I brought up my frustrations regarding my unmet romantic needs, she took it as gaslighting and used it as fuel to further drive the reason why she wasn't comfortable with intimate contact.",Normal +27366,"he still holds me back in life. he still finds ways to get to me. YET I STILL TALK TO HIM. and i always feel worse after i do. i've tried blocking him on social media, but he still finds ways to get to me.",Stress +27367,"I was going through a hard time after our breakup (started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist). In the span of the 2.5 years since our breakup I have had other boyfriends and hookups. Some of my hookups happened to be some of his old friends, the most recent happening 11 months ago. I never talked to these guys leading up to the hook ups or since, it was purely just spur of the moment drunk sex. Recently me and my ex have reconnected after 2.5 years of no contact.",Normal +27368,"Through work I have been in some dodgy situations abroad. A number of times my life has been at risk, and I've had to defend myself a few times. I'm a civilian and have only had basic weapon training. ​ We've always had an ex-military security contractor with us, but still had to perform aggressive roles when approached.",Stress +27369,"With a switch blade and open arms In a sweater vest that covers a ragged undershirt stained with my innocence Through faces that are never the same as the ones I dread finding in the crowd In the night, I rediscover my love of mares and how hoarse I can be in the morning It's the taste of blood but I am not bleeding",Normal +27370,"According to [a study from and its subjects, major risk factors were family problems and a child’s lack of confidence. These factors aren’t necessarily easy to influence but well worth looking into. As is another avenue that we should focus on more: Support for survivors of sexual abuse. Availability and quality of mental health care comes to mind, but it’s not solely limited to the medical field. If we want abusers to be held accountable, we have to help victims because they might not come forward otherwise.",Normal +27371,"If anything goes wrong, sexually, I want to cease to exist, and a lot of the time, I'm not able to do it out of sheer anxiety. I used to be a very soft person, and I hope I'm still kind, but now I'm quicker to anger, and I don't want to become an abuser. Basically... was I abused? Does that sound like something an abused person would say? I feel like I have the symptoms of PTSD.",Stress +27372,"I really don’t know what to do about this, and I’m wondering if I’m even able to get over this fear. A traumatic experience compounded it in me as a kid, and I’ve been experiencing it for so long that it feels like second nature. It’s lkkely so ingrained with me that therapy won’t do much good. I need some help. If anyone can offer some, feel free.",Stress +27373,"November has been one of the worst months in a long time. My mom was in a car accident and has no idea how she's getting to work. A few days later my grandmother died and I didn't even have enough money to attend the funeral. I drove home to be with my family, and to drive my mom 5 hours to the airport. I spent a ton on gas and now money is tight.",Stress +27374,"Okay, So in since October have just got out of an eight year relationship . We were engaged to get married next year, but it did not work out. It ended mutually and we have moved on. In life these things happen. Since Halloween I have been seeing this Girl.",Normal +27375,Also the headaches. LOADS of headaches all the time. I’m so done. I hate this almost as bad as my brain constantly telling me I’m a POS. Anxiety is fun :),Stress +27376,"I'm just blown away by this doctor's willingness to help. I feel so validated every time I leave his office, like someone actually understands what I'm struggling with, and I don't have to convince them of my mental illness. Bottom line? Research docs if you can online, read their reviews and don't give up until you find someone who treats you the way you deserve. If I can do this, I promise you can!",Normal +27377,I feel like I'm trying to reason my situation though. I'm listing off things that a person would associate success with but I'm not seeing the things I'm failing at. Or maybe I do and the Navy is just exaggerating the things they want out of me? I feel like the Navy is easy and I don't put a lot of time towards it \( I mean qualifications\). When I'm at work I feel like I really focus in on a task.,Normal +27378,I am really feeling like there are no good men. They are all just horrible to women. I think I would rather be alone than deal with any man again. Has anyone else felt like this? Did your feelings ever change?,Stress +27379,"You can see the detail on my [update 2 right and here's a link to the [project github So I'm begging you here, literally begging you. If there's anyone out there who would be kind enough to give me a second chance to fix my fuck up and finish my degree, would you please consider giving me some financial aid via [my goFundMe I'm literally in dire need of help right here and I don't know where else to turn other than the people of the internet :( ***Kind regards,",Stress +27380,"Did I mention my parents are religious? I don't know if this is normal for religious people to treat. Whenever I tell them I'm terrified of being homeless they tell me I'm a ""acting like a baby"" and ""get over it"" my parents parents did not treat them this way. They're basically mad because they(I guess 30 or 40 years ago were different when they were my age? Because they said they both lived on their own at 17 and that they find it creepy I'm 16+ and they find it creepy being around me).",Stress +27381,You are being invited to participate in a research study for Heather Cornett’s dissertation at Texas Woman’s University. The purpose of the current study is to examine the role of self-advocacy in those with a severe and persistent mental illness (SPMI) and how it relates to self-stigma and life satisfaction. The research is intended to supply the researcher with information about strategies that could improve life satisfaction in individuals diagnosed with an SPMI. Completion time for the survey is approximately 15-25 minutes. Participants are only allowed to participate once in the current study.,Normal +27382,"This was a “nice thought”, and even though I had been told my mother to never leave a drink at the bar, it didn’t cross my mind that there might be something put in this drink or that I was being pushed to be more intoxicated. After I started sipping on that drink, I felt all the alcohol hit me and felt drunk. He said I’ve ordered an uber for us, which I thought I was being dropped back at home; I don’t actually remember the ride home in the Uber. We pulled up at his apartment complex, and he said come inside I know you’re hungry I have pizza. I thought eating pizza would be a good idea after the alcohol, so I followed him inside.",Normal +27383,"But it's been 2 monthsalready this time. We didn't speak for Christmas or new year. I'm lonely, sad, angry at the situation (not angry at him!) and the worst part is not being able to talk or even know what's going on. We didn't fight before this so he's not angry at me.",Stress +27384,"Sorry this going to be super long, I have a lot to say... Tl;dr... see title. It was constant up and down; one minute we were happy and he was being more affectionate than he has in years, the next he's screaming at me and calling me a whore. I get it, I broke him. I feel so disgusted and ashamed with myself but I truly want to spend my life with no one else.",Stress +27385,"She was seventeen and they met in a hospital, he was in the drug rehab, she was in the mental hospital. She was 17, and he technically kidnapped her, running across the country. She immediately got pregnant with me, and he married her, at which point the law washed their hands of the matter. I was born premature, 5 months and 3 weeks, which in 1981 was very dangerous. I spent 8 months in an incubator, and had heart surgery, but lived, and have not had health problems.",Normal +27386,"And it makes me more anxious which causes me to slip up *more*. It's getting WORSE though. I thought I could hold it down, this has been an ongoing issue for about a year or so and it has never been this bad but lately it's getting to the point where I can't even talk to my own MOTHER without freaking out over this shit. She came back in town from a very long half year vacation recently and I had to go to dinner with her because that's what you're obligated to do and I had to sit there and try and make small talk with my brother the whole damn night looking anxious as fuck... I know they noticed.",Stress +27387,"but I'm really, really afraid of public embarrassments and awkward situations. So I was in the train station and saw this homeless lady asking for food and money. I always help homeless people if I have change in my wallet. I walked up to her, took out my wallet and pulled out this £5 cash to give her. She was kinda old, so she wasn't in a perfect physical health.",Normal +27388,"Our dog Jett has been diagnosed with diabetes and is now in the hospital to stabilize his blood sugar. Luckily, he seems to be doing well and he will be home with us soon. Unfortunately, his bill is large enough that we just can't cover it on our own (especially with our poor financial situation). We're being evicted from our home soon and trying to find a place with this bill is just too much for us by ourselves. [To help us with the bill, we set up a GoFundMe ",Stress +27389,- Specificphobia: most commom type. It's when something causes exarcebate fear in the person. DSM-5 moved two more disorders to a specific group. But it is anxiety disorders: - TOC and post-traumatic stress.,Normal +27390,"I didn't do anything during spring break, except maybe go to work. And even then, I missed a day because I just couldn't deal with the stress. Most adults get excited to tell you they did absolutely nothing during their break. And there was a time when I enjoyed taking a break too. But now it seems like every time I have a break or a day off from work, it makes the stress worse.",Stress +27391,"I run , which seeks to tell the honest stories of people across the country in order to foster a greater understanding of one another and increase empathy. In anticipation of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, we're hoping to write about people with mental illnesses to raise awareness. If you're interested in being interviewed for a story, please send me a DM. I have OCD, myself, so I can assure you the topic will be treated with the tact it deserves. Note: We are not doing anonymous interviews at this time, so your full name would be published in the story.",Normal +27392,"I feel like I will never trust my own judgement again. 3) I fucking HATE being this person. I hate being a victim. I would never judge anyone else in my situation, but I can’t stand having to see myself as someone who was abused. My grandfather abused my grandmother her whole marriage and I always felt like, because of that, I would always be on the lookout.",Stress +27393,"Dental Lifeline Network's Donated Dental Services (DDS) program ""provides free, comprehensive dental treatment to our country’s most vulnerable people with disabilities or who are elderly or medically fragile. These are people who cannot afford necessary treatment and cannot get public aid. The program operates through a volunteer network of more than 15,000 dentists and 3,700 dental labs across the United States."" To qualify for services, applicants must lack adequate income to pay for dental care **and**: • Have a permanent disability, or",Normal +27394,"I'm pretty healthy and have a silcock key for water but surviving the heat goes beyond just staying hydrated. Not enough food or the salt that comes with it led to bad cramps most mornings. Sleep was but a wishful dream. When the night time lows are still in the mid 90s, you just sortta sweat and doze. Flip your pillow when its soaking wet and repeat.",Normal +27395,"I just got out of a four year, mostly on but sometimes off relationship. The last interaction we had, he was moving out. The night before, he had strangled me. We've had a toxic relationship, but mostly loving. He truly tried to love me as much as possible, but would get drunk and be verbally abusive.",Normal +27396,"Hey everyone. I need a place to vent and place my feelings because I don't know what to do anymore. This evening while playing a boardgame with my BF and some friends, I found out my BF lied big time. Short: last year we decided that I would join him this year on his skiing trip with his friends (his idea). This wasn't possible in the end (or so he told me) because his friends didn't want to rent a cabin but go on a cheap student skiing trip.",Stress +27397,I’ve been leaving lights on at night both in the main rooms and my bedroom. The fear is both physical and emotional. I’m so jumpy at work and at home. I feel like I’m seeing things everywhere and little waves of panic wash through me all day. I’m really just finding this incredibly difficult right now and needed to write it out I guess.,Stress +27398,"All of these things I think contributed to this being a less traumatic experience than the first birth. Just before the second birth, she kind of lunged towards our first kid in the road, which, we later learned, gave her symphysis pubis dysfunction She actually had substantial back/neck/joint pain (more on this later) in the first pregnancy as well, and this was worse, causing her to need crutches for the remainder of the pregnancy. This is not a super uncommon thing for a woman to experience which includes my favorite-ever Wikipedia “For [alternate related article], see...”), but for most women, it resolves itself quickly after the baby is born. For my spouse, it didn’t, and she started seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist. This maybe helped, maybe didn’t.",Normal +27399,"Babies don't care about work hours you know. Husband finally says he'll watch our darling for the few hours between his full night's sleep and work. So we're doing this. I'm chipping on an embroidery project doing 'me' time, he's on bed with baby keeping the crawling fiend busy. He falls asleep and baby almost falls into crack between headboard and wall.",Normal +27400,"Why would you say that to me"" and gets extremely offended. He continues on by giving me the silent treatment for 50 minutes and then comes in the room and tells me ""You don't understand me. No one understands me. I give up. On everything.""",Stress +27401,"She was already against smoking weed after college at first but now she seems to have moved to a stance where she's okay with me smoking weed as long as she's there when it happens, as in I could smoke with just her or when we're both hanging out with the same friends. I've tried asking her about it and genuinely understanding why she feels this way about it but she can't seem to describe it rationally, saying that it's a gut feeling that she gets that legitimately bothers her and gives her anxiety. She seemed very distressed talking about it and was almost at the poiint of tears saying that she wishes she knew why it bothers her so much but it does and she can't help it no matter how much she thinks about it or how much I try to explain it to her. I don't know how to explain this to her. I don't want to give up the option of smoking weed with friends but I don't want to break up with her over something like this because I love her.",Stress +27402,"During the pregnancy and after the (traumatic) birth of our first child in 2013, symptoms started to intensify, including lots of depression, some manic behavior, and periodic angry outbursts. Somewhere in there we settled on a very (relatively speaking) effective combination of mental health meds that stabilized symptoms. We had our second child in 2015, after which an injury led to the discovery of a debilitating and incurable connective tissue disorder. The symptoms from this have been getting worse since then, and a good chunk of time from 2015 until now has been discovering what’s going on, coming to grips with a new reality, and managing those symptoms. Overall we’ve had a very healthy supportive relationship with strong shared values.",Normal +27403,"I'm worried I have a blood clot or something that gets aggravated when I wear them. I just want to be okay and to have a good time on this trip, but I've been so out of it, and I'm at my wit's end. Right now I'm lying down and I feel blood rushing all through my head, and bulging of blood vessels around my nose. I'm extremely sleep deprived and woozy but I'm scared to go to sleep and am in pain. I'm so scared.",Stress +27404,"I have PTSD from my sexual abuse, and this week has been really hard. Really, since Dr. Ford came out against kavanaugh and the fallout of it. Today, though, was really hard. I come home to see my father watching fox news and agreeing that Dr. Ford is a lying whore. His words.",Stress +27405,"And I don't ask for the nightmares to drain me of all energy and make me feel worse throughout the day the harder I try to be normal. I was planning on seeking counselling without my parent's knowledge for this condition once I get to university and get settled, but now I'm wondering if I'm going to be told the same thing by a therapist there. I'm not looking for a diagnosis, just people who share my experience or know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry if this seems kind of ranty or rambling, my thoughts are a bit of a mess and I'm not sure what to think. Thank you for reading all this, anyhow.",Stress +27406,"i knew gay was humiliation. i tried bringing up to my dad, and he said he wouldn't care if his son was a fudge packer, nor would he care bout that son anymore. i then had to speak to the bishop of my church and tell him about me possibly being gay. my dad was in the back of the room and another man i had never met wa sitting next to him. He asked me if i had ever had any gay encounters.",Stress +27407,"I kept my head up and demanded the respect I deserve. I was very polite and expect the same. She wasn’t, so I put her in her place (she reprimanded me for leaving my gowns hung up in the dressing room). I came back to try on another gown and she goes you could at least bring them back. Mind you I have a one year old in my cart....",Normal +27408,"I know every time I have panic attacks to remind myself it's just in my head, but it sucks when little things just make you feel like shit! Does anyone else get triggered by stupid things like this? ? I'm even just pissed at myself for now feeling mad at my mom, like don't you know not to tell someone with health anxiety that ""they don't look right""?? Ugh!",Stress +27409,"> > In recent years, I've noticed that I deal with some post-nasal drip, sneeze a lot throughout the day, deal with headaches, and have itchy, watery eyes. Maybe I have developed some kind of allergy that is influencing this? > > Any help is appreciated.",Normal +27410,"In class, im always on edge, i cant focus on one thing for too long and i constantly scan my environment and I think they think im looking at them which im not. this also made it more awkward to talk to them. I been there for a month but im still very nervous around my peers and teachers. I know my teacher and the tutor there get nervous/uncomfortable around me, lately they haven't been talking to me much or coming up to me especially the tutor to ask if I need help which they did before, my anxiety has gotten worse and I probably look more visibly uncomfortable than ever so that why they have barely asked if I needed help or said much to me ha! yet seem more at ease with other people.",Stress +27411,"I'm gonna try and get some sleep as it's the middle of the night here, and I hope I get through tomorrow with a single trigger, like I always wish for before I go to sleep. I hold that hope, and I know one day, it'll happen. Not now, but one day. Edit: Thank you all for your support and kind messages. It's really helped me get through today, and to keep moving forward, no matter how scary it seems, it's still moving forward.",Normal +27412,"I have a twin sister, Audrey, and I hate her. I genuinely can't explain it. I know it's so irrational, but it's just how it is, and I hate that this is how it is. We both came home for our mom's birthday, and I couldn't even spend 20 minutes with her. We're really different people.",Normal +27413,"I know this may seem like a small thing, but to someone with these problems, it's a huge deal and to be at a store where you do not feel ""safe"" around your managers and you can't talk with them and grow as an employee, what's the point of continuing to work there? So I luckily got them to put me on 3rd shift. Minimal contact and I still get to work for the company. As I did mention, I have been struggling lately with some things: being slow with completing tasks on the work list is the biggest issue I believe. I'm not sure why I'm slow, in the past a supervisor has said ""Yes you're slow, but you're thorough.""",Stress +27414,"I was consuming quite a lot of caffeine (up to 500mg per day) during the summer and I'm medicated with 18mg methylphenidate for ADHD. (I was rarely taking caffeine with methylphenidate together as there are a lot of side effects after doing that, one of them is anxiety and increased heart rate). I don't take methylphenidate now because of the high bp and my chest pains. I have an appointment to the cardiologyst but until then I'll have all my trial exams. I'm only 18 years old, is it really possible to have a chest angina at this age?",Stress +27415,"But she says she can't stand hearing it because she's got enough on her plate as she actually suffers with depression herself. I do read other people's posts and think maybe I've actually had it easy. Maybe I'm just over exaggerating thing, but i feel like I need to get it off my chest. Anyway thanks for reading. ( sorry the post is so long ).",Stress +27416,"I'm 24 and have massive amounts of stress going on with job hunting. I live with parents who are constantly on my back and getting angry with me for not having a job. They keep trying to help me by saying ""oh this place is hiring and that place is hiring again."" I have tried all places where I live and every time I don't get an interview let alone hired. Even if they have a sign up that they are hiring, they tell me ""sorry we're not hiring right now.""",Stress +27417,"When I was a kid, I suffered a kind of unlikely injury that basically ruined me mentally, and it seems like I just CAN NOT get away from it, because it's such cheap gory shock value that everyone uses it when they need cheap gory shock value. And if I'm not mentally prepared to see it I have a panic attack or just start crying. A fucking jokey homebrew cursed item on r/DND did that to me today, and I hate that my trauma is so bad that I have to stay guarded even when I'm just reading a funny thread about my favorite hobby. I'm still thinking about that fucking item. I'm so tired.",Stress +27418,I don’t know. Was this okay? Should I hate him? Or was it just something new? I really don’t know what to make of the situation.,Stress +27419,Any tips for making more friends? Tl;dr: I've had very few friends throughout my life. Recently I've tried reaching out to a lot of people but almost all of them will decline my offer to hang out at some point. I guess maybe this has to do with how I am socially awkward in the past but I've also been told that I am trying too hard. Any tips for making more friends?,Stress +27420,i remember her getting drunk and and ranting about a fuck buddy she was angry at. she came up with the brilliant idea of throwing a brick with a pie recipe tied to it through his window (i dont know). she told me to drive her to his house so she could do that and i said i didn't think it was a good idea. she told me if i didn't do it she would drunk drive there with my little brothers in the car. i haven't seen her in 6 and a half years.,Normal +27421,"I think now she feels some of responsibility to help those in need and she gets a lot of gratification from these people who are very thankful to her. On occasion when we go out, we have been approached by these people and I can tell they are very grateful to her. We were at Starbucks while she's studying and the husband/wife she helped offered to buy her coffee, etc ... Lastly, her other dream is to get a house in this very rich neighborhood with houses that cost $2M at the very least. Anyways, enough with the bad, now the good things about her. She is a very loving person which is proven by the fact that everyone loves her at work.",Normal +27422,"I looked regular for once and it’s been a while to feel that way. I wanted to show who I was today to the world, it was empowering seeing that face I used to be especially when I saw him just a month ago. I left right away to catch any train heading to North Hollywood and eventually arrived at the area of my work interview. I was early but I know I made a mistake without considering how hard it is to panhandle especially when you don’t look it for the part. I had a sign with me and I asked people to spare me a quarter at most but all I got were weird looks.",Normal +27423,"Hello guys. This is my first post here. Ever since I can't fall asleep on a random night (few months ago) , I started getting anxiety at night and before heading to bed but everyday is different. Usually, when I get on bed n off the lights, my body started to heat up and i would sweat a little which makes me really uncomfortable. My heart would pound fast to which makes me anxious.",Stress +27424,I'm completely devastated. My cat was just hit and killed by a car. I don't think I'm allowed to bury him in the garden (we rent) and I don't know what to do. I've searched online and found loads of pet cremation services but they all cost a fortune. I don't have a penny to my name as I'm unemployed.,Stress +27425,"Any help on how to stop ruminating? I work with some pretty toxic people and I can accept when people are ignorant and generally rude about my PTSD. I get it, some people are just really stupid and ignorant and won't understand how the assault affected me. But I spend WEEKS ruminating on all the things they've said, things they might say next... and the grounding techniques that my therapist suggests never stops it. How do you distract yourself from ruminating or arguing with people in your head?",Stress +27426,"Through everything, I just froze and waited for it all to be over. Each time I petitioned her to stop, she would become very visible distressed. She spent a lot of time talking about suicide. During the school year, we exchanged letters every day at school that, in retrospect, sounded a lot like love letters from her part, but I chalked it up to a best friend love. I'd never been in a romantic relationship- I was 13 at that point, and didn't really know what that looked like anyway.",Stress +27427,Is there anyway I could persuade you to go a view you love (if not any place is fine) and write something similar on a card or piece of paper [I attached an example here]. Thank you all if you consider helping! It means the world. I'll probably post again as the date gets closer. I aim to continue trying until I can get at least 100.,Normal +27428,"After college for about 2 years, I focused on my career and wasn't totally putting myself out there. Now, for the last year, I've actively put myself in the dating pool. It never seemed appealing to hang around in clubs or bars to hopefully pick someone up, so I've mostly stuck to online dating. I was mostly pretty casually looking, and would go on there when the mood struck me or I was speaking to someone I saw potential with. Over the course of the last about 2.5 months, I've been on 3 dates.",Normal +27429,"I got 6 stitches. My parents love my bf and in fact, my mom and him are so close that they go on walks and go to the movies together. I felt uncomfortable and unwanted by his family. To be fair, I was also a little closed off with them but mainly because I felt so unwanted. I have put on some weight, which I am sure his dad noticed because he absolutely hates fat people.",Stress +27430,I've never spoken to anyone about my anxiety but I'm pretty sure I have generalized anxiety disorder. When I was young I used to be very bright and would take charge of projects and doing assignments. As time went on I became lazier but still fairly on top of things. When I went into college I suffered and things never clicked. Doing even the most simple of tasks or assignments were just so difficult for me.,Stress +27431,"This sends me into an extreme anxiety spiral, because I'd been seeing his mother almost every weekend for nearly five years, and she does this at the drop of a hat. I understand she was just trying to protect her son, but the level of nastiness was just insane. I had to get our old counsellor - mine and N's - involved to speak to her. She said the mother is taking things seriously. I don't believe it.",Stress +27432,"I have four kids full time, almost a year ago their dad was removed because of substantial abuse. It's been incredibly hard making ends meet by myself and although I get rent paid, all other bills are stuck on the back burner. Our electric bill is over $400 and they're demanding $225 as a minimum payment. It's scheduled for disconnect today and I can't put it off any longer. I know it's a long shot but seriously needing a miracle at the moment.",Stress +27433,"I was never really close to him, our conversations never went past the 'nice weather we're having' area. But I coincidentally ran into him at a bar recently and I initially tried to keep my distance from him because I know he's friends with Zach, but then he told me that not only does he and Zach are no longer in contact with each other, they actually really dislike each other now. I'm guessing something went down after Zach and I broke up. After that, I was more comfortable around him. So, as the night went along and we got drunker, we ended up hooking up.",Normal +27434,"It was created by a friend of the husband. She’s in for a long, hard road after she gets done with this freefall. If anyone can help. Please do. [Team Thomas](gf.me/u/jyy4qm)",Normal +27435,"We are 100% no contact, and have decided we won't talk to each other for at least a few months, or until we're ready to talk and maybe try to be friends. He says he still cares deeply for me and loves me, but this is for the best. I wish it was easier to get over, but it isn't. What advice do y'all have? Thanks!",Normal +27436,"I get anxious because I am worried about bad things that I think may happen in my life. Im worried about losing my job, my girlfriend might leave me for someone more funny, with a better job, that is more self confident etc. You think these things because you perceive yourself to have no value. I get so preoccupied with these worries and it constantly undermines my self esteem that it applies to other areas in your life, even everyday interactions, going to the store, these can be extremely stressful events. You're so unconfident in yourself that you have a million thoughts a second and constantly second guess yourself.",Stress +27437,"Hi I just wondered if any of you could offer some advice on this situation. I bought a house year ago, but I am yet to move in. I am in my early thirties but suffer from long-term depression, although I appear entirely normal in my appearance and in my communications with people, albeit a little quiet. I am currently still at home with my parents.",Normal +27438,"(Hurt the ego, but whatever, I guess you're not always gonna be the hottest guy she's ever been with.) Then I found another thing that pretty much destroyed me - an e-mail to her high school boyfriend begging him to come visit her and have sex with her, because of how fantastic it was when they used to have sex. This was probably half a year after we had split up, and the implied comparison with me was pretty clear. Making matters worse is that this guy basically checks all the boxes on shit that makes me insecure - tall, douchey rich guy (in contrast to me - 5'8"", not at all douchey guy with a good but not incredibly glamorous career). Anyway, these pieces of information - that she pretty much opened up to me sexually only when she felt threatened by another woman, and that she has clearly been with other guys who she's had much more sexual interest in than me - pretty much led me to the alternate hypothesis that it wasn't the vaginal pain and the birth control so much as her lack of attraction to me in comparison to past boyfriends.",Stress +27439,"There's a TL;DR at the bottom for those who wanna get to the point this gets kinda lengthy. Hi, I'm 19 and this is my first time posting here and I'm hoping at least one person can relate. Before a few months ago I never had to deal with anxiety really, but out of nowhere it hit me like a truck. I guess what's been causing it is relationship issues, but mostly health anxiety. My first major mistake was googling symptoms I started having, not realizing that it was normal for anxiety to cause physical symptoms.",Stress +27440,"The simplest breathing technique can help you calm your mind. It's called diaphragmatic breathing. Simply, place your hands on your belly, then ribs, then upper chest and practice breathing into your hands. At the end, you place one hand on your belly and the other on your heart and breath into your belly up to your heart and back out again. By placing my hands on your body, you can choose a certain number of breaths to count and focus on the physical sensation of your hands rising and falling.",Normal +27441,"Summary: - Have been working at a factory job for 1 month, hoping it would be a career change. Pretty physical job, push/pulling things that are up to 150lb quite often during my day. - Came into this job while recovering from a bulging disc in my lower back (L5/S1) - A medical certificate was provided to my employer advising that I have a back injury going into this job.",Normal +27442,"I've tried getting new glasses, but that didn't help. Blood work came back fine. I have tried medication but only helped with anxiety not focusing issue. Some days I just straight out can't focus. Luckily, when I'm on auto-pilot and distracted, I can get a lot done.",Stress +27443,"Even when (now talking about other times) I tried to be playful and like scare prank him, he would beat me up for it. And I still looked up to him for some reason. I believe no child should ever experience these kinds of things. They always drag themselves into your future life. In my case, I have sworn to myself to never become like my father, but I still have these... well, issues.",Normal +27444,"Sorry for such a jumbled mess of a post. Edit: I realize I never expanded on the dissociation or depression. Because of my dissociation, while he was being abusive he would often say things like, ""You're just remembering wrong. (gaslighting/rewriting history)"" ""You have bad memory. That never happened.""",Stress +27445,"But there you were, laughing and being affectionate with your newest victim. Same dark hair, same bubbly personality. She's a prettier, skinnier version of me. Everything you made me believe I needed to be but could never change. I was visibly shaking as I tried to remain calm in front of the new guy I have been dating.",Stress +27446,"One of my best friends is getting married in a few months and found the dress she's been waiting for but can't afford it. Just so happens the boutique she found it at is having a contest to win $1000 towards your dress. Voting ends tomorrow. She was in first but the other girl pulled away into first! Her name is , here is the way to vote: ",Normal +27447,"Trauma survivors often don’t need more awareness. They need to feel safe and secure in spite of what their awareness is telling them. At the first sign of anxiety or depression, traumatized people will spiral into toxic shame. Depending on the wounding messages they received from their abusers, they will not only feel the effects of anxiety and depression, but also a deep shame for being “defective” or “not good enough.” Many survivors were emotionally and/or physically abandoned, and have a deep rooted knowledge of the fact that they were insufficiently loved. They live with a constant reminder that their brains and bodies were deprived of a basic human right.",Normal +27448,"These weren't the only punishments, though. Sometimes he'd make us choose a favorite toy or plushie to be thrown out if we'd made him mad, and one time when he caught me rescuing my plushie, he slapped me across the face, then made me watch him cut her into little pieces, standing there at 1 in the morning berating me about how I was a stupid, ignorant little bitch that needed right and wrong beaten into her, because I was too stupid to to know how to do as I was told. Sometimes, though, he'd not just snap and get angry... He'd utterly lose control of himself. Screaming so furiously I couldn't really understand him, grabbing me by the arms/shoulders and shaking me hard enough to give me whiplash, and continue screaming over me once I collapsed in a cowering heap when he let go.",Normal +27449,Ok so firstly I should say she hasn't been formally diagnosed but it's at this point a logical conclusion that she's suffering some kind of ptsd from a rape that she endured a couple years back. It was before I knew her and when we met she seemed to be pretty stable. Although I know now that's not the case. I do not blame her at all for this behaviour but I really need help understanding her before I get hurt worse than I already have. Going forward keep in mind 2 things:,Normal +27450,My therapist says this is a normal behavior to display. Having been ripped from my children and left on the streets is very hard and i honeslty want to give up. But the anxiety swirls to the point i keep trying to find where i went wrong. It replays and plays in my head over and over like a horror movie. The feeling of wanting to die because at that point i had nothing left.,Stress +27451,"Thanks to my alma mater 👩‍🎓! I’d like to know Any suggestions from u all on how I might I move on in the healthiest way possible and carry on with only love in my heart for her? How might I bounce back and focus on forming healthier relationships? Any advice or suggestions are appreciated, guys. Sending positive vibes your way 😇",Normal +27452,Im 13 years old and except for school i never go outside i usually spend the whole day on the computer just watching videos on youtube and stuff but at the end of the day i get depressed and feel like i'm wasting my life. I have friends but i also have severe social anxiety and i always feel as if my friends are just putting up with me. I feel depressed and lonely. I never spend time with friends and when i do i feel as if they don't want to hang out with me as we never do anything pls reply if i'm not alone,Stress +27453,My chest has a different feeling. Before it would feel on fire and chaotic. Now it feels just wrong. Like I am in medical danger. I am a 26 year old woman.,Stress +27454,"I've been with Mike for 4 years now. We have an amazing relationship and I never felt bothered by anything in it, not even silly arguments that are more than common between a couple. Mike has a best friend named Theo. Theo is a cute guy who never seems to settle down, but not in a womanizer way, more like, he hasn't found the one. Well, hadn't found the one.",Normal +27455,He keeps going back to her. He even cleans up the messes she makes when she smashes his stuff. He has dropped all of his dreams because she doesn't approve of them. Sorry for the long post but it sucks hearing that he is in this situation and we just want our friend back so he can recover from this. He used to be the funniest and happiest guy around and now he is just broken.,Stress +27456,"My Father has been struggling with alcoholism for nearly his entire life, he hasn’t been in contact with myself, my mom, or my sister in years. I guess it all of sudden caught up with him, he past away from a heart attack recently. It still doesn’t feel real, but my girlfriends family has been nothing but supportive throughout the whole thing and helped me grieve through his death. Needless to say, I do not want to attend a funeral or memorial, because I’d like to remember the good times I had with him and not being up bad memories. I had a rough child hood, he cheated on my mother, he wasn’t a great guy.",Stress +27457,"I know there are a lot of bad stories on here about therapy. But I was wondering about good experiences. My own experience was six weeks ago. I slipped and went on s bender, I fell into a depressive, suicidal crisis. I phoned every crisis line that exists, for ten hours, well getting drunker and drunker.",Stress +27458,I will stay with the sub to offer any advice I can but thought a success story was worthy to share. They say never destroy a person's hope. It may be all they have left. Much love to you all for the good tips and advice during my struggle. Thanks!,Normal +27459,"I cant do a push up. My arms are almost useless. I need to get surgery, but my parents aren't exactly in the picture and can't support me while I take time off of work to get the surgery. Would I be able to qualify for disability to be able to support myself so that I can get surgery? if not, what kind of options do I have?",Normal +27460,"Like the title says, I’m rapidly losing motivation. I recently switched collages to be closer to home, so I could be closer to family. And my depressive spirals are coming more often, mainly because of the lack of work I do. I always end up doing things at the last damn minute. My freshman year I tried my best, almost.",Stress +27461,"I barely slept in the hospital because I stayed up at night and listened for codes with his room number. I was terrified, constantly living in fear from the moment I awoke until about his 7th day in the hospital when he seemed clearer, and sat up with assistance for the first time. Fast forward to now. We are lucky to be alive, and we are injured. We’ve been robbed of a normal engagement, of the experience of moving in together, and that’s a grieving process...but my mind...is not what it was.",Stress +27462,"These things seem dumb and I swear to God I didn't think they'd work, but a therapist I had told me about them and they actually do work. To stop a feeling of rage: Stand straight with your feet apart. Raise your arms as high as you can above your head, and put your hands together (like people do when they're praying). Stretch as high as you can. Jump and land on the floor, bringing your hands down between your legs, and hold that position for a few seconds.",Normal +27463,"We added a bunch of [security for specific scenarios. If you're more comfortable keeping things on reddit, we put a lot of the same information on r/operationsafeescape. Either way, if you feel your computer's being monitored, check out our [secure guide. Also, we're hosting our first in October. We've also been busy building up partnerships in the security sector, which will allow us to bring even more resources to the audience we serve.",Normal +27464,"After meeting last year, Amanda and Isaac became incredibly close and agreed to live together for their Senior year. This past November, Amanda got drunk at a party and ended up making out with a random guy (on Jeff's birthday). Because of this, Amanda told Jeff that she wanted to take a break. Lots of drama. Everyone was shocked because from the outside, Amanda and Jeff seemed to have a really strong relationship (dating for 4+ years).",Normal +27465,Now I know everyone is going to maybe think it's from the suboxone but it or at least used to be one of the things that helped my anxiety. If I admitted myself I am afraid they'd admit me and make me go cold turkey. I am unemployed and looking for employment. I live with my grandparents. I'm a 28 year old male.,Stress +27466,"Strangely enough, I had buried all this. But when my parents also failed to realise that my sister was on meth and neglecting her children, who are very dear to me, it sort of doubled the trauma and now I have full blown trauma. I feel like my parents just aren't trustworthy. How can they live in such an oblivious bubble? I wouldn't put any faith in them to protect me now and feel that I'm in this world on my own.",Stress +27467,"Again, most of the time I can just say 'ah, screw 'em they're not a doctor' but you know how it goes when you're having an episode. Phew, ok! Sorry for such a long post, I just usually like long reads on Reddit so I figure it's ok. Feel free to share your experiences with feeling ""fake!"" It's good to not feel alone. TL;DR I sometimes feel like I'm faking having PTSD despite never expecting I had it and then getting an official diagnosis from a doctor.",Normal +27468,"I cant take video of him due to the lights aimed in the wrong direction and the thick trees and bushes, theres a security cam but i DOUBT its aimed at that back area of the parking lot. Its amazing how many trips down a major road he can make without a cop asking why hes wheeling a friggin COUCH down the road at 4am. And i dont want to start hitting him with the blunt side of my axe, due to my situation im not real strong, and since i grew up in this area, i wasn't ""street trained"" like what people might call a ""thug"". So, any suggestions on how i can get rid of this guy but also not have to the area myself at least for a little while, till i can get my bike fixed, i use this library for my work on my laptop, so i kinda want to remain close. Thanks,",Normal +27469,"To put it straight. I get anxiety when something changes on my body, be it hearing or any senses. I was in a car with my father and he has this 2K dollar professional stereo system in his car. He sat on the remote and all the sound went up to it's highest point. I was able to cover my ears, but with my forearms.",Normal +27470,"The $4 cable I usually get fr Dollarama is out of stock, the cheapest I can find is $7 at a different dollar store, but nothing less than $30 at London Drugs and The Source. Here's where it gets complicated: my bank account is in a weird limbo right now and I don't know how much to ask for. My current balance is about $3, but my monthly service charges haven't been applied yet. So I know I'm going to be overdrawn, but the service charge varies depending on how many transactions I did, so I don't know how much I'll be overdrawn. Looking over the last 6 months the charge has ranged from $6 to $24.",Normal +27471,I don't even know that I feel lonely. I was fine with all this until my boyfriend asked out of concern because he thought maybe I was depressed or something and pushing everyone away. Then it was like he knocked down a wall inside me that I didn't know was there and revealed a whole room full of cobwebs. I feel ashamed and defective and hopeless now. But I don't know what to do.,Stress +27472,"Her parents supported her. I told her I thought it was a bad idea, that she should finish what she had left (she's an excellent student, super smart and committed) and then go to study the other career. But if she decided to leave I would support her 100%. She decided to quit. The other career was in another town, my home town (<2hs away) she rented an apartment with 2 girls and moved away.",Normal +27473,"I'm a senior and I'm starting to go through the college application process and I just feel so overwhelmed. I haven't even finished my college list, started ny essays or supplemental or filed my FAFSA. Not to mention I'm doing EA so I have a sooner deadline. I haven't visited any colleges and me ecs are so bad. God I just want this to be over with.",Stress +27474,"(I should note, our first year together we went to the Maldives, second year we bought a house & went to Croatia, Venice, Belgium, Lots of weekends away - I'm not exactly lacking trips away) *I'm content and rarely feel unhappy these days, but is that a replacement of happiness? * Is this just a January blues thing that will go as the year starts moving on and I get back into the swing of things? ---",Normal +27475,"I am so confused! Why is he playing these games? I have made it clear I want him back and to me it’s like he has feelings but is unwilling to say anything? TL;DR I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, we split up over a silly petty argument, since we’ve split up he’s been maintaining that he wanted us to break up but he’s checking in on me and asking what I’m doing. Is he just being controlling or does he have feelings still?",Stress +27476,"I feel like I'm starting to get the control back over my life slowly. I'm resignating to my situation and I'm ready to make things better for myself. I have stable relationship with my very supportive wife, my ambitions are growing back slowly... I finnaly have hope and I could hardly ask for more. I asked my doc to lower my Effexor because I feel like the the side-effects outweigh the good it does: It doesn't really help much for my anxiety, I feel depersonalization ever since I'm on medications and finally it gives me uncontrollable cravings.",Normal +27477,"Dr. Fred Penzel's Articles A leading expert on OCD, Dr. Penzel has a collection of great articles online based on years of successfully treating patients with OCD. Particularly good for highlighting how the ""less-obvious"" variants of OCD can be treated. Check out Article 12 ""Ten Things You Need to Know to Overcome OCD"" for starters. Top Tips: Carry out [Exposure and Response Prevention].",Normal +27478,"An old friend invited me over to a small party she was having. You could say it was more of a get together, there were no more than 15 people at a time. It was only people I remember from years ago in MS and HS, or people I have met several times. The night was full of a series of moments that I will be kicking myself in the head for later-- starting with the fact that I introduced myself to someone with ""I haven't seen you in a while!"" and they said ""Oh really?",Normal +27479,"“Either be my girlfriend or be out of my life” my fwb told me. I refused to be his girlfriend so of course, now we’re strangers. It’s breaking my heart. I want him in my life so badly, as a friend that is. We had a wonderful connection that’s hard to come by (at least for me) and I hate to lose that.",Stress +27480,"I have replaced my bank card and everything else is canceled, but still haven't went to get a replacement license (another expense I don't really want to think of right now), so I am unable to get one of those free government phones. I am more than willing to repay you in any payment plan you come up with and I can put repayment to you as my second to top priority (I really need some new socks - they get priority, trust me on this, they took my socks and I'm on day 3). Anyway PM of you have any questions. I would be able to take PayPal, Cash App (I no longer have the card but can transfer to bank), a Kroger/Fry's egiftcard or an old T-Mobile phone / unlocked one if someone is local (around ) and wants to meet up even after hearing about my socks. I do have a police report number if anyone needed to verify.",Normal +27481,"I am ignoring him, that's not what this post is about. Basically, after all this time my ex has recently, decided he ""knows"" I cheated on him our entire relationship [I didn't], ""knows"" I'm this chick online who post XXX pictures of herself [I'm not] and has ""reminded"" me of incidences of our relationship that has literally never happened. Like, for one example *""...that time I called you from jail, and you cried b/c you were at a guys house and you knew what you did was wrong so you told me you needed help...""* yet he won't show me any evidence (it doesn't exist)... He's literally fabricating things out of thin air and claiming they happened. He isn't denying that he was an abuser, but he's saying like ""You were bad too!",Stress +27482,"I was dealing with depression for months feeling like I'd failed life at 18 and quit my job to finish off my college education and thats where we met. We were in the same class and used to stare at each other all day long so i followed her on instagram and noticed she was going to a club in my town that night so convinced my friend to come out as i really needed to bump into this girl and give it a shot. so we did. When i walked in, she was there it, was crazy we locked eyes and without saying much she walked up and just started kissing me. we were guy and girl from that moment we did so much stuff together like holidays then she even moved into my parents place.",Normal +27483,"I'm just scared to death. I have anxiety problems which are probably contributing to it. But he keeps telling me he'd never judge me for anything and my sister said if he's OK with a missing tooth, he should be OK with a gap. I'm worried he'll see me and change his mind about me and I don't know what to do. Should I tell him about it first or just see what happens?",Stress +27484,This has made me really question where I am and if I should be staying put. Sort of if where I was was right I wouldn't be feeling like this is now. I'm not thinking I should leave for the sake of being single to see someone else but maybe if I'm not as happy as I thought I should be leaving for me to have some time and space to do things on my own. Any suggestions reddit? **tl;dr my crush on my driving instructor is making me think about leaving my boyfriend**,Stress +27485,"I have had the worst anxiety of my life recently. As a college student I am now falling behind in classes, forgetting about sorority events and not interacting with my friends. I am slowly losing my mind. My room is a mess and the only thing keeping me out of a mental hospital right now is literally my students where I student teach. I am exhausted of fighting to get out of bed everyday, shaking when I sit in class and just not talking to anyone.",Stress +27486,If I hadn’t have grabbed my toddlers head and pressed it against mine and ducked it would have hit us both. I was yelled at so much I could see the veins bulging in his neck as he swore at me and called me names. I held my hands over the children’s ears so they couldn’t hear. But at least he didn’t hit me. I was told repeatedly that I would be stabbed in the throat so he didn’t need to hear my voice.,Stress +27487,My ex and I of 3 years broke up and he kicked me out and caused me to get fired by telling our problems at work(we worked together) so they chose to keep him and fire me. Now I am 2 weeks out of work but I do think I will have a new job next week! Thank the lord. I have 8 bucks to my name and I just really need some advice on what I should do to survive until I have more money. I can't believe I am even in this position in life.,Normal +27488,"I feel like I'm going to go insane. I can't stop crying or wanting to pull my hair out or screaming. I can't stop shaking. I'm on medications for anxiety and they help some but not much and not often... Ultimately, I know I'm not me anymore.",Stress +27489,"When I asked her how it happened, she said her brother had accidentally elbowed her in the face when they were 'rough-housing'. There was something about the way she said it that seemed a bit off to me - like she had been practising her excuse (or maybe that was in my head). Whatever the case it struck me as maybe a little weird that a couple of 20-something siblings would be play-fighting with each other like 10 year olds. This morning, after an absence of several days, she arrived at the office with a broken wrist. Her arm is in a cast and she has metal rods holding the broken bones in place.",Normal +27490,"Hi everyone I have GAD that gets much stronger/prevalent when I don't have enough sleep. Coincidentally, it also makes me unable to sleep sometimes, so kinda like a vicious circle. Normally, I don't really have that many problems with it but I just started a new fulltime job with a lot of responsibility and that triggered my insomnia and subsequently all the underlying fears. My doctor prescribed Xanax as a when-needed last resort but since I was really scared of withdrawal/addiction after reading up on the drug (it's not called Xanax here but alprazolam) I only started taking 0.5mg at night after really breaking down.",Stress +27491,I did. I moved 1300 miles away. I’m in therapy (just started again). Financially I don’t have any worries at the moment. I’m moving to a bigger place ..,Normal +27492,"I am so sleepy and want to sleep so bad but the second I lay down it gets worse. My chest and stomach actually tighten up with anxiety and *all* I can do is think about Pippa. Now, what I did was irresponsible and I *should* feel bad about it. But this level of anxiety about something that happened 6-7 years ago that I can't do anything about now is insane. I tried talking to my family about it, but they even disagree on the basic premise that Pippa was even neglected.",Stress +27493,"My current boyfriend wasn't right, just a figure of the coma induced illusion. The only voice that seemed remotely really was my best friend, she's one of the few regular poodle I still have contact from that time. After a hour of my boyfriend, my best friend and my other partner working with me, I slowly started coming to some balanced sembelrnce of reality. Now I'm scared to go back to sleep. My ex, who abused me for 11 years, might be waiting tight there for me again.",Stress +27494,"Really hoping someone might have some insight for me! A couple years ago I (31,F) befriended one of colleagues (28,M). We were working for a small company that was also hemorrhaging cash, and eventually it was just him, me and some older coworkers in this open space office. Anyway, we really got along! We would have lunches, text in the evenings and weekends, and often go to the pub after work.",Normal +27495,"I know what it means to dive into oneself. I asked him and he confirmed its a deeper variant. I got excited. There’s no switching out of consciousness, you can reject what he says, your totally in control (or so he’s telling me :)). So the first part was getting me deep, through counting, dropping my hand and other techniques I went deep.",Normal +27496,"Hi all! I don’t exactly know where to start, but here goes. I have been on my own since 17, as I do not talk to my biological parents or my aunt that took care of me until 17. I went to college this last year in NC, but had to move back and stay with a friend due to low finances. While in college, I suffered from a concussion and mold poisoning from my dorm room.",Normal +27497,"I know I should tell her my doubts, because I know she's gone through doubts before as well. But I also don't know if now I'm just second guessing because I'm just generally concerned about the future. Above all I just have no idea what to do. --- **tl;dr**: living long distance, dealing with chronic wedding anxiety and fear about impact of children, fantasizing about others, and hoping for insight from people who have been through similar experiences.",Stress +27498,"As for internet, I pay $60/mo on my phone for unlimited talk, text, and data without any throttling at all (thanks StraightTalk)! If I want internet on my laptop, I download the PdaNet+ app, download the .exe app on my phone then transfer to my laptop, install the app, then switch the tethering on so my laptop can connect and have access. That way, I can apply for more jobs on sites that my phone can't open up. So far, I'm doing okay. Just thought I would like to share how's my day been doing.",Normal +27499,"I felt the tension and the seriousness. Usually during lockdown drills things aren't too serious because we're high schoolers. We mess around because we know nothing is wrong. But this drill was different. We knew we were all okay, that everyone was safe, but the atmosphere was completely different.",Normal +27500,"I wonder what I would be like if I had gotten help earlier on. **Here's where I could use some input: I don't consider myself mentally ill. I hate the word. If someone asked me if I was, I'd deny it but I know I have PTSD and I guess that does make me ill by definition. Will I be considered mentally ill forever?",Stress +27501,"Even moreso with a little push from behind. I've also been interviewing and applying for more secondary jobs to supplement my current employment and that seems to be going increasingly well. Thank you so much again everyone who sent food items to me, I'll be sure to pay it forward someday! EDIT 8/10: I received -even more- stuff just a few days ago, some pasta and sauce and then oatmeal too! Thank you so much, mystery redditor!",Normal +27502,"He has been my best friend since the first day we met, he treats me great, he is always loving, not at all selfish, etc. We rarely fight and have only had maybe 2 other big arguments which we worked out. I am just so hurt over what he said to me. Do I just let it go and move forward with his apology? Like I said, it’s not like either of us ever drink and the only reason we made it a point to drink so much was because I spent so much on the alcohol package for vacation.",Stress +27503,"I would like to leave there, but I'm terrified of a shelter. I'm also a semi observant Jewish woman. Most shelters won't help me keep kosher and keep Shabbat, both of which are important to me. The Rachel Coalition is for domestic violence only, so I can't go there. The NCJW shelter in the area doesn't accept the voucher welfare would offer me.",Stress +27504," It was the summer, I had just started a new job as a bartender. I met a girl that was equally odd, had a lot of similar interests, was looking for the same thing I was. We quickly became enamored with each other. It didn't take long for us to move in together. I started finding projects around the house to fix up, she would surprise me with home cooked meals or a note gushing over our relationship.",Normal +27505,I’ve always been the type of person who’s been gravitated towards romance. The thought of loving someone and being loved in return was nice but I’m a closed off person who’s too afraid to let someone in. I recently got into a relationship with someone who is really incredible. He’s very patient and understanding about my anxiety and depression. It took a while and a few arguments for me to open up a little bit.,Normal +27506,"It’s only happened 3/4 times recently but I’ve been putting off having sex and I’m constantly worried that my girlfriend doesn’t think I’m into her or that I’m losing interest, and so on. I’ve only just mentioned to her that I might be struggling with some form of anxiety. It’s a vicious circle at the moment. It’s almost as if I can’t relax and if I have nothing to worry about I create something to worry about. What do you guys think?",Stress +27507,"2. I have health insurance, and I know my insurance website has resources for finding a doctor, but what factors should l look at when going to choose my doctor? I've never done this before, but I think it will definitely help. Please let me know your thoughts! Thank you.",Normal +27508,One of the couples has a four-year-old daughter. We live in a two bedroom apartment. I constantly have to do shit for these people. One of the wives scolds me constantly and tells me I need to show more respect for my parents. They leave needles out everywhere and when I inevitably step on one I'll probably end up with an STD.,Stress +27509,"I hate the thought that even after my mom's death she still has power over me. Anyways, I've come here for advice on meds, specifically if this sounds like a good place to start. I used to just focus on the anxiety and insomnia acutely but never really tried to treat the source. I'm starting Effexor XR, Prazosin for the horrendous nightmares and continuing on clonazepam for panic attacks. Thanks guys!",Stress +27510,"My father has: Keys to a fancy car, like 5 fancy bikes, an iPad, member of a fitness center, goes to the sauna regularily, other women... Needless to say, they should just break up immediately, right? Well, it should be that simple, but my mother resists for some reason. We had this situation countless times, where she was like, I cannot cope with this anymore, let's find another place to live in, until you find something for yourself, and when things are about to happen, she goes nah, I don't know... Which is so frustrating to hear after a while. Even more so, when he says things like HE decides when or if they split up.",Stress +27511,"**How can I move to a more mature kind of love that is less focused on me and my fears, and instead more about him and our relationship? ** --- **tl;dr**: Feeling like I am being selfish and immature, mostly focusing on my needs of distance and validation and less on those of my LDR bf. Worrying about the possibility that we might not like each other that much anymore once we live together for a while.",Stress +27512,"Hi, I was recently put on Prozac (10mg to start) for anxiety after a really bad panic attack. I am nervous but also hopeful that this will help me. For the first week I cried at least once a day and usually there was no reason, my anxiety is also heightened but I knew these symptoms would occur so I've been dealing with it fine. But for the past like day and a half I feel like my joints are kind of feeling weird. I wouldn't say it's painful just different.",Normal +27513,"They were late. They tried to play it cool with the excuse they gave, but J had this grin on his face and Lux had the flushes look she gets when she has sex. And then Lux said she was going to fix her hair and left to the bathroom and after a while J said he was going to see if she needed help. Obviously they left to have sex. I mean, fine, but I thought that was a bit disrespectful.",Normal +27514,PS: I can't get fired because one she is in another department which doesn't break policy and I am in good working and personal relations with my direct boss and the one above him. --- **tl;dr**: Started having sex with a co-worker 8 months ago. Found out today that she is married and that some of our sexual partners were also married. What should I do?,Stress +27515,"and then proceeded to show me the video of the ""dumb girlfriend"" struggling to answer the question. Needless to say, I was pissed. I said I couldn't believe he would think it was possible that I might be that stupid. He insisted that he only asked me as a joke, and then I got angrier because in what world is questioning my ability to handle basic logic funny? He continued to go on the offensive insisting that he had been kidding, that of course he doesn't think I'm stupid at all, and how could I even think he would think that?",Stress +27516,"7. This study will include only participants who are 18 years and older. Please send us a private message if you are interested in participating. Once you contact us, we will send you a link to the screening questionnaire to see if you qualify and to tell you more about the study. Please note: If you participated in this study at any point in 2016 through Vanderbilt University, unfortunately you are not eligible to participate again.",Normal +27517,"A little about them... I have a 17 year old, that is biologically my niece. My sister moved out when she was 3 weeks old and I raised her from that point. I was only 16. I have a 12 year old son that is biologically my husbands nephew, but we adopted him.",Normal +27518,"I also have no family. I was abused for my disabilities as a child, including murder attempts, so I cannot turn to my family for help. I have friends helping me with food and transportation because I am poor and disability aid is barely enough to eat a meal a day. I have food stamps that work for about a week or week and a half of groceries so that's already really helpful. I live in a small, worn down appartement with no heating and thays why I am so cold.",Stress +27519,"I specifically told my father NOT to lose my money gambling. I'm not that depressed since I sort of expected this to happen, but I am still severely disappointed. I am literally continuing to lose respect for my own father. Of course, it isn't so much the money, but rather that he would do this to me when I told him not to. I fear that if this continues, my father will continue to waste away his own life as well as damage mine.",Stress +27520,"He came to the door, drunk and high on opiates (he’s an ex H addict, opiate rage is real), he told me, verbatim, that if there was a guy in the house, he’d kill him on the spot, no questions asked. That was a pretty easy night. I’ve spent countless nights barricaded in my bedroom because of his rage. His past is terrible. Grew up in gangs (Mexican Mafia) and molested at a young age.",Stress +27521,"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, I just didn't need it. Long story short, something's flipped in my head the last couple of weeks and my libido is very much back, worryingly so, I'm not sure what to do with it lol. So we've had more sex in the past 7 days than the preceding 7 years....but it's still very much for him. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to ask for what I want. It's been so freaking long since I considered sex as a thing it actually makes me nervous.",Stress +27522,"The fact is that it is not very common, these numbers, from where I come from] tl;dr - unable to overcome girlfriend's past. In two minds regarding breaking up. She says she will die without me [already popped up a cocktail of pills once. Nothing happened.]",Stress +27523,"Worse than that develop the same anxiety disorder. Again another reason to finish the relationship. I really love her but cannot and WILL NOT embarrass her like I did at the wedding. My plan is to go talk to a private physiatrist and see what they think. I don’t believe medication is the only answer but if it helps in conjunction with therapy, a healthy lifestyle and meditation then I will try it.",Stress +27524,"I apologized for taking up too much of his time and space and for not respecting his boundaries, and for storming off angry; the worst part is that he eventually said he didn't accept my apology because I was still ruining his day with my insistence he apologize for speaking to me with a ""retarded"" voice. So, is our relationship doomed? --- **tl;dr**: My bf and I fight too much, and I think it's both our faults while he thinks it's only mine/my brain chemistry's fault. Am I crazy, or do we need to break up?",Stress +27525,"Normally, my anxiety is very well controlled. I meditate every morning for \~15 minutes and have been in therapy for the better part of the last 3 or 4 years. I feel WAY better than I used to, and on a day to day basis things are great. Buttt every once in a while (A handful of times a year, tops) something will realllly set me over the edge, and send me into an intense anxiety spiral where I compulsively ask 5 or so different friends for advice on what to do, post a lot of threads online about what I should do, and ruminate on the topic for days or weeks. Sometimes I'll have chats in messenger about whatever it is that will draw out over an entire 3-4 hour period.",Normal +27526,"Sure it was almost 3 years ago (in July) two months into my first job out of university. I got bit in the leg and continued on like it was nothing. I only fell apart October 2016. I must have been living in survival mode until I got the call that the man who saved my life was getting recognized with a bravery award. Hearing those words, I literally felt my chest rip open and haven't been able to close the wound since.",Stress +27527,"There was no need for child care. When our daughter was 3, my husband, her father, taught her the word privacy. He then explained to her 3 yr old self what it means so she could understand. It was so cute when I would try and help her with her bath, and she would say ""no mommy, I need my PRIVATY..LOL. we encouraged this as she got older.",Normal +27528,- Spaghettios - 2 orders of Pasta Sauce - Penne pasta - Spaghetti - A big ol' bag of rice,Normal +27529,What is for you the most relatable portrayal you have seen/heard I don't have PTSD but reading a retired Marines blog I noticed that when he was talking about his PTSD it sounded a lot like Rick in the Walking Dead. Ill explain for those who have never seen it. Rick was the leader of his group during a zombie outbreak. He killed his best friend twice (technically) and his wife died along with most everyone he knew.,Normal +27530,"I've always connected my self worth with how well I do in school. Right now, I'm failing the last class I need to graduate. The final exam is 2 semester worth of stuff that I never really understood. This is my last chance to graduate. If I don't pass I wont get into the grad school that conditionally accepted me.",Stress +27531,Hey. First time posting here. I have been living in my car with my brother and cat since May. I am feeling extremely depressed/defeated right now hence why I'm posting here. I'll start from the beginning.,Stress +27532,I typically would not care in the slightest about things like that but I feel as if since my good friends basically turned their backs on me that I am at a loss? If my good friends did before does that mean everyone else will too? **TLDR: GF and I broke up. She is trying to turn people against me. What can I do?,Stress +27533,u mind you my mom is 5’1 and he is 5’9. now her jaw hurts and pops when she opens it wide. so this is my dilemma: i am a very emotional person. my emotional skin is raw and any slight change in others affects me greatly. side note: i had developed ptsd growing up from being scared of my older brother (saw him and heard him fighting with my family many many times growing up) but since he moved out for good (i hope) its gone away.,Normal +27534,"I've been out of work for nine months, and it's finally catching up to me. When I lost my job in January, I took a sabbatical for a few months; it was necessary at the time. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have set up my phone with call blockers when the bill collectors began calling. I couldn't tell the difference between a potential employer and something which would stress me out given the slew of incoming calls with unknown numbers. During my time off I invested my time to build new skills, donating them to a gaming community, and hanging out for escapism to the point of obsession.",Normal +27535,"EVERY TIME I say, ""I've got a job!"" she gives me some kind of bullshit reason the place is not a good idea. She threatened to boot me back out on the street for ""not taking her word for it"" when I explain I need the job anyway. BTW her girlfriend owns the house. They've lived here together for 2 years and she has been making up bullshit reasons she can't work the whole time.",Stress +27536,"Sometimes, when I finally got out of bed and stood up, I felt like ""Ugh, *finally*"". Still, it did not happen every morning, and even when it did, I still felt rested from the long sleep, so I thought no more of it. Also, they were never nightmares. Sadly, my body got habituated to the sleep-component of Mirtazapine after about five months, and my old warped sleep cycle slowly creeped back into my life. The only benefit left in the medicine was the mild mental cushioning it provided, but at the same time I started to suspect that what I needed wasn't cushioning but to make new constructive life decisions, that only I could make.",Normal +27537,"Throwaway because my normal account is a common username for me.... Anyway, I've been in a lesbian relationship for near 7 years. The first 2 was long distance but then i moved from NY to TX to be with her. Everything was generally okay until we moved into a new apartment back in December. It isnt the best but its a roof over our heads and it's relatively cheap.",Normal +27538,"I am currently only using 5-htp once a week, i get no benefit when i use it daily. I have also been working out which has inevitably eased my depression and made my anxiety more tolerable but its still obviously taking hold of my life. Well here i am at this present moment, I have been contemplating having a sit down with my parents and telling them about my depression (pretty sure they already know, they just don't want to adress it). It had been hard, my parents come home at 9:00 PM and don't want to be bothered with me. they go straight to their rooms and the only time they are willing to talk is when they tell me to clean.",Stress +27539,Do not drink a lot and only eat mild food before and during event. Gave myself permission to leave for any reason whenever I wanted. Giving myself control has allowed me to return to meetings at work in peace. I have been doing this for about 24 years. No one knows I have these fears.,Normal +27540,Things were so good again. Just like the beginning. Then the yelling comes back. I got really sick and had to go to the hospital and he refused to come and visit me when I was home. He told me I was dense for expecting him to come hang out with me when I have such a deadly disease (it was MRSA and not that deadly).,Normal +27541,"[Here is the link to her ***Do not read below this if you have a weak stomach*** My friend has a very sweet toy poodle mix that was recently attacked. A much larger dog attacked Paige's (my friends dog) face and ripped off her lower jaw, to the point it was hanging down by just the remaining skin and fur that was attached. Paige went into a 24hr vet and had emergency surgery that allowed the jaw to be re-attached but the middle of the jaw (from canine tooth to canine tooth) had to be completely removed so Paige essentially has a large hole in her lower jaw now.",Normal +27542,"I'm posting this one more time for anyone that didn't see it. Our location is in central Louisiana. A co-worker recently gave birth last week and her baby is in stable condition. She was initially told that her baby would have dwarfism and she was okay with that, as long as it was healthy. Later, they told her that her baby wouldn't survive at birth.",Normal +27543,"I'm fine, or so I thought. All my issues with anger, alcohol abuse, frequent bouts of depression, difficulties focusing or concentrating at work, I attributed to my bipolar disorder, and that was all I worked on. I've tried so many different types of medications and combinations thereof, more than 10 for sure, and even underwent electro-convulsive therapy, but nothing helped. It was not until this past summer that I thought to try therapy, something I had actively avoided. I didn't think that talking about anything would affect my bipolar disorder, and I **really** didn't want to talk about my trauma.",Normal +27544,"I do not know if I ought to, to be honest. I determined to quit drinking nine months ago, and have been sober seven weeks. But I never had any desire to quit grass, and I still don't. But I am in trauma therapy for the last four months, and my therapist has brought it up a number of times. She keeps saying it affects my motivation and depression, but it helps with bot the GAD and social anxiety.",Stress +27545,"I want to be able to deal with these feelings and move on. I’ve talked briefly to a counsellor on the phone but besides talking about it making me cry, it hasn’t made me feel better. This is one of the worst PTSD episodes of my life. I can’t predict how long this is going to go on and I’m sick of the weak, dissolving feeling I get whenever I think about it. I’ve been trying to replace bad thoughts with good, I’ve tried CBT techniques, I’ve tried wallowing in the bad thoughts (as advised by someone over at r/emetophobia)... nothing has worked, I’m a mess.",Stress +27546,"So what I am asking is someone or somebody's to help me with the rest of the repair cost. The repair is 575 dollars, I have about 200 of that currently, I need to get this done soon before I am stuck on the side of the road with a broken down vehicle and spending unnecessary money on Ubers or Lyft. I'm willing to pay back monthly with acceptable interest until it's paid in full. I get paid bi-weekly at my full time job. Thanks in advance!",Stress +27547,"Sorry in advance for what I'm getting off me chest. This man sexually, physically, and emotionally abused me for a year. He even tried to marry me at 16 so he could trap me in his perverted hell. After four months of completely breaking free of this sick, twisted human being he had the gall to contact one of my friends to try to get a vinyl back. He treated me like a dog.",Stress +27548,"But recently I went on a car journey with my friends and 5 minutes before we got to the destination I started panicking because I thought I needed a wee and took a valium (completely embarrassed myself in-front of my friends). once we got to the destination I was actually fine and didn't really need one that bad. Since then it keeps happening, like I was on the train and 1 stop before my destination I got off and walked because I started panicking. then today really got to me because I needed to get a bus that goes through a tunnel to go to the pub that takes 10 mins and I physically couldn't get on the bus because of this fear. I'm so annoyed at myself that this is starting to control my life.",Stress +27549,"Hey guys, I'm not homeless myself, I'm just after some advice. Basically, I work in a restaurant that closes late so I'm often not back to my apartment complex until around midnight. For the last few nights when I come back, I've noticed a homeless person sleeping between the glass front at the ground floor entrance and the back of the stairwell... This doesn't particularly bother me because I figured he's just sleeping and all the individual apartments have locks on the doors anyway. However I could understand if others in my complex would be distressed or anxious by this, especially if they live on the first floor (I'm fortunate to live higher up on the fourth floor).",Normal +27550," But 19 and 39? to me I feel like that is someone older than my current age dating an age that seems like a child to me.... I creeped her facebook and she appears to be a "" normal"" 23 year old...going out partying...saying things I would have found funny at that age but cringe at now.....and he did share with me that he supported her for the most part and so on...I asked if she had any "" life skills"" and his answer was "" not really"". What are people's thoughts on this? ---",Normal +27551,"I don't know who I'm meant to talk to but I can't breathe. I can barely get out of bed or check my phone without panicking. But I'm always checking my phone in case someone messages me. I don't have it on loud because I don't like the noise. Yet my job requires me to always be reachable and the staff under me always ask me to help them, but I can't even help myself.",Stress +27552,"She requested to go to the bathroom right away, and we helped her with that. The husband/driver was out loading all our parts when she finally came out of the bathroom. We asked her what is wrong. She said, ""He grabbed me by the neck and hurt me. I don't think I can go back with him.""",Normal +27553,12. End of January I just didn't have any way to get enough money and we collapse with an eviction process started. 13. Working with friends and others we managed to get the money right after the judgement was issues for eviction. This stopped the eviction but we still had a judgement.,Stress +27554,"My problems started after my first panic attack which had happened in October. After that I had a lot of anxiety about my heart (bp 140/90) I was medicated with Zoloft for a while, it helped but I didn't want to become dependent on it and I had a lot of side effects. My bp with Zoloft was around 120/70 After some weeks the anxiety came back with horror, fear of the death and lump in a neck, stiffness in chest. My blood thyroid hormones were measured, everything's perfect.",Stress +27555,"This has begun to bother me since I do try to please her and go out of my way to have a little foreplay but she never really returns that favor. It has become a one sided physical relationship. I've even had multiple times where I have trouble getting it up, and its largely due to the fact that I receive no physical stimulation prior to intercourse. We've known each other a year and been officially dating for about 9 months. I finally decided to say something a month ago because it was really beginning to bother me because I'd hoped she'd slowly overcome these fears with time but she seems to be content with how things were and not going to change.",Stress +27556,I waited a bit and then went and talked to our advisor. I vaguely and briefly explained what happened so I could get his help in understanding some procedures I didn't understand. We went down to the lab and figured out my work together. I was then standing and doing something with my samples while my advisor was doing something else in the room. Then I suddenly looked up toward the door and entirely expected my fellow student to burst in yelling about how I told our advisor.,Normal +27557,"I was freaking out. I stood on my back porch for about 30 minutes hyperventilating before I could convince myself that ""I am in control!"" I was embarrassing ! I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to get so worked up. But it was not as embarrassing as It/ I would soon be.....",Stress +27558,"I dial. 000. I have never used that number before. How does this wor…. “Emergency: Police, Fire or Ambulance?”",Normal +27559,"Every day I wake up doing nothing. Absolutely nothing except wasting my life, hoping something would happen but of course nothing would happen because I am a lonely fuck who pushes away everyone in his life while everyone else goes out and party like there is no tomorrow and fuck and cum like they are in a porno and make memories that not even one memory book is enough. Every day I wake up doing nothing. Either wasting my time playing videogames or watching the social media status scrolling up and up and up when in reality, i am doing absolutely nothing. Nothing is being absorbed in that stupid brain of mine, wherever the hell it is when I should be doing something more productive like studying or reading but either my own brain rotted to the size of a pea *(because of how mental disorders degenerate brain cells ... yay me, I am doing something at all)* or it just felt and flew up to Mars, or it is sitting its dark throne, rubbing its pitchfork, planning its next move on how to fuck me, both literally and figuratively.",Stress +27560,"It's late and I should be sleeping but I can't get my husband out of my head, he's just such a freaking weirdo. I feel alone in my situation because most abuse involves some level of anger, but for me my suffering was just his way of showing me affection. He would always love to wrestle and tickle torture me, and he wouldn't stop when I was screaming at him to stop I no longer live with him but even today I still get a little flinchy. I lived in fear of being tackled, pinned, and tickled on a routine basis. I resent him for making me feel so small and fearful and at the same time he made me feel like I was crazy, that I was overreacting.",Stress +27561,"People may quickly think ""drugs"" but just try and quickly think ""animals"" unless you are dangerous when you have your episodes or become angry after them. Just think that all of that drug money some people spend could go on raising and giving a loving home to an animal who will heal him/her. x ​ ​",Normal +27562,"When I was living with people I would stand behind the door and wait for it to be quiet before I step out of my room. It makes me so anxious to have to talk to people. It didn’t help that one of them would play loud music all day so I would put in my headphones and go to sleep until he has stopped. I was so anxious and depressed that semester, it really affected my grades. Anyway, today was my first time seeing someone for help about my anxiety and I did not know what to expect at all.",Stress +27563,"What if in Ireland a place existed where pollution was zero, crime didn't exist and you where given access to food, warm beds and a chance to rebuild your life. Would you take it? I'm sick of the city, I'm considering a rural life of self sustainability and have adequate means for finding financing to a farm of some sort. Would a homeless scholarship program work for people? Self sustainable life with access to counselling and all food and board paid for help?",Normal +27564,"One anxiety free day. I feel like I could live off that high for the rest of my life. Not starting my day off trying to catch my breath. Not having to plan out every single minute of my day as to avoid discomfort, or even panic. Not standing in the middle of a locker room getting ready to cry because you saw a lock on the locker you use every time you're at the gym.",Normal +27565,"I'm afraid about what they may do next, what they might say to me next, what they might ask me next. I just want to be by myself, in my own place, with my computer, my keyboard, my guitar, and my bed. I'm a teen, so I don't really have that choice, but to be honest, nobody really does, no matter how old they are. You always have to be around people for one reason or another. I'm just never comfortable around people anymore.",Stress +27566,"For no reason, I'll just wake up with anxiety like feelings. Stomach ache, uneasiness, some sort of dread, or feeling like any little thing would bring me over the edge and have a panic attack. I don't understand why and it can last for a long time. Anyways. Sometimes the breathing exercises help take the edge off it, but it doesn't fully help.",Stress +27567,"All these sexual abuse accusations, while wonderful to see so many men and women coming forward about sexual abuse, I just can't escape it. So much victim blaming, the increasingly clear proof that many men do not actually understand what consent means, it's just too much. I haven't left the apartment in days and the only reliable form of self medication is too expensive (weed). I'm also autistic so I've noticed it's also overstimulating me to the point I'm hiding. It's just too much and I thank you for reading my vent.",Stress +27568,"Not like triggers per say, because I'd have to ask her about that, but more general behaviors. Like, if I see her acting in a certain way that is common to abuse victims, I should know to be careful around that. Like apologizing a lot is a common behavior. Knowing about the abuse, I didn't try and correct her or anything (save one time when she thought she was bothering me, and I told her she will never be able to do that). So any additional information is useful.",Normal +27569,$400 would suffice but $500 will drastically help boost my income for 4/4. Time frame for repayment listed includes $100 tip and is at-worst scenario. In other words loan may be repaid sooner. Thank you for your consideration. Sean,Normal +27570,I keep on getting crap from non work people about oh just fly. I try to psyche myself up to do it but after the 5 minutes of feeling like “yeah I can do it” I feel beyond tense. Anyone been in a similar spot? What did you end up doing? Thanks!,Stress +27571,I’ve put my family through it too many times and it’s putting a strain on my relationship. I’m not who I used to be. And because of that I’m afraid people are going to leave me. My partner especially. He’s seen me go through this before and I’m afraid he’s going to give up on me.,Stress +27572,Everyone loved him. He told the best stories and cooked the best food and was funny. All my friends thought he was the coolest person ever. He also has untreated bipolar disorder. Anyway - back in December he hit her so bad (using an object) that the next day she passed out at work and her coworkers forced her to get medial attention ) - she went the hospital - her sister went to meet her - and because it was mentioned that a minor lived in the house - social workers and the police got involved.,Normal +27573,"I don’t know that. I think I’m responsible for all of it. For the perpetrators, for the abuse, for the dysfunction, for my depression, my suicidal ideation, my pathetic life. All of it. I’m responsible.",Stress +27574,"Post-text: don't bother with this part that's crossed out, I wasn't thinking clearly. Not that you should bother with the later parts, either. I don't know. Post-Post-Text: I deleted this from my main account and am re-posting it on an alt because it made me nervous having this connected to myself. Sorry.",Normal +27575,"My boyfriend and I generally have a good relationship. We've lived together for about a year and a half, and we have a pretty good partnership going. He's the first guy I've been with who is willing to sit down and really hash things out if we're having an issue. However there is one topic he *won't* hash out with me, and that's that sometimes he asks me questions out of no where that to me feel kind of like little ""pop quizzes"" that I feel are designed to try to catch me off guard and stump me. He'll randomly pose a riddle or ask a logic question, then I kind of fumble because I feel like I have to come up with an answer quickly, or I just get exasperated and tell him I'm not in the mood for a pop quiz.",Stress +27576,"Anybody ever have this happen? I have no history whatsoever of reacting to peanut butter, and even have had a full panel allergy test a few years ago that confirmed that I'm not (but I'm allergic to every pollen known to man apparently lol). I used to eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch all the time. My favorite candy used to be Reese's peanut butter cups, and I have even eaten one in the past few months. I ate a pint of peanut butter ice cream no problem.",Normal +27577,When I try to befriend artists or thinkers or doers. They often either shun me because my work has been sub par and nearly non existant and they don't see me as equal. Or they show sexual/romantic interest I don't reciprocate which makes me nervous and avoidant. Sometimes I am shunmed I think because they mistake my interest in making friends for a romantic interest. I am quite annoyed by all the assumptions/game playing/projecting that goes on in the world.,Stress +27578,I'm pretty broke and almost all of my money for now is going towards bills and food. I have my state's basic free insurance OHP (Oregon Health Plan) but I'm not sure what kind of psychological services they could provide. I'm hesitant to start a regimen of anxiety medications if it's possible to work through things. Open to any advice. Thank you very much in advance.,Normal +27579,"My Grandma;s commercial was one in which her Clorox is taken from her and she has to wash her clothes for a month without using any Clorox. The only thing that she remembers for sure was that she quotes “my babysitter Mary says that the clothes aren’t as clean,” or something to that effect... BTW if the commercial is produced, I am willing to give some reddit gold, or pay money via paypal, whichever is preferred ;\) Thanks in advance, \-Kyle",Normal +27580,Cut to yesterday... My parents booked me in for an emergency appointment with the DR because my anxiety and depression is so bad I cannot function day to day and spend most of my time stuck in bed panicking. I was prescribed 2mg Valium to go alongside my anti-depressants. I took one and within 15 minutes I went from SEVERE anxiety to COMPLETE calmness Well... here comes the paranoia associated with my bad cannabis trip years ago... I FREAKED.,Stress +27581,"He also said that Brian's mother made comments like she hopes she gets hit by a bus and she's so depressed because I'm doing this to her. (No mention has ever been made by them how much our daughter is having to miss out on by having this medical issue let alone what their own son is being put through from their lack of respect.) The other problem is, I genuinely believe Brian's father wants a relationship with our daughter. The fact that we're withholding her from their toxic behavior right now might be a turning point for him to grow a pair in his own marriage. I'm not holding my breath, but I have a little bit of hope.",Normal +27582,"He says he doesn’t remember this happening. But he has a short fuse as it is. He’s temperamental, out of work, depressed, has a family history of substance abuse, and was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2. I truly believed this would be “rock bottom” and serve as a wake up call to turn his life around. It wasn’t.",Stress +27583,"to which he replied that they had broken up. We met for drinks and he gave a heartfelt apology for having pressured me. Slowly, we began seeing more of each other and the relationship turned physical. We both live in the Pacific Northwest, but he's going to be moving to his hometown in the southeast at the end of this month. I'm moving to the southwest next month.",Normal +27584,"She didn't go home with me, she took an Uber. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life. I payed for the food, got it to go, and went home. This is where it gets crazy. I wanted to be away from her at that time.",Stress +27585,"I don't know if I'm able to do that, since I didn't tell the doctor the truth to begin with. I will say that my doctor very clearly didn't believe me at my follow up appointment, but my bf was in the waiting room. So I didn't admit to anything. I was teary eyed, however. From anyone's experience- is it worth it to go to the police?",Stress +27586,"I don't want to leave my house because I know that everyone knows what she's saying about me and EVERYONE BELIEVES IT. this was all over the fact I blocked her because she was toxic. I'm losing it, Reddit. I'm losing my mind. I can't stop crying i can't eat, all I've been thinking about is killing myself.",Stress +27587,"Hi everyone, This is my first post in this thread, so bear with me. My mother (54F) has always been controlling and anxious, and now that I (19F) have gone to college, it feels like things have gotten worse. I am home right now for winter break and things have been so tense and awful and I don't know what to do. She is really judgmental and anxious about my sex life.",Stress +27588,"But I still froze and cried through the entire thing. Some of the sensations brouvht me to memories of old sensations, andI felt really vulnerable, trapped, and ashamed, and I haven't been able to shake it off all day. Part of it is that we have company staying in our home; so I don't feel like I have the space to care for myself, and it just further perpetuates the shame feeling. In fact, I felt too ashamed to go home right after, and drove around for an hour and a half before I felt like I at least i wouldn't have to explain myself to my boyfriend's family. Additionally, because it's my boyfriend's family, my boyfriend has been unavailable to me all day.",Stress +27589,"Previously, I have posted on this subreddit about how studies have demonstrated the beneficial effects turmeric can have on PTSD symptoms. See and . ​ However, too much of a good thing can turn sour. When taking anything natural in supplemental doses that exceed what is found in the diet, we should treat them as drugs.",Normal +27590,at some point they laughed and i had to leave because i got physically sick to my stomach. i guess i didn't realize how much they had screwed me up. now i feel like shit though because the acquaintance is a nice person and i want to be friends with them. we were all planning a dnd game together over text for a while and i just want to be able to talk to them without thinking about my ex. any solutions or help ideas?,Stress +27591,"I have therapy sessions scheduled but at the moment, I'm currently looking for some advice and insights. The only time I feel 'comfortable in my own skin' is when I'm drunk and or stoned. I, in the past have been ridiculed for an effeminate walk, been erroneously suspected of being gay and I have an effate look. Perhaps this facial look is a projection of my despair and a subconscious psychosomatic cry for help. I'm in my late twenties and have yet to accomplish anything of significance.",Stress +27592,"Was the entire hood in the world trying to off me? What’s going on? Those are the thoughts of my mind every time something like that happens and it wasn’t the first time I’ve heard, “God does everything for a reason.” A while back, when I had a home a man needed a way home with his old man, and asked me to drive the old man’s car because the old guy was too drunk to drive and the young thug didn’t have a license. Of course I said hell yeah, he’s got his pops with him… and I’d miss driving, and good karma.",Normal +27593,"I've been through treatment and had a period of relative health for a stretch. Then I had a bunch of new trauma experiences. I'm 5 or so years out from the last experiences and have moved 800 miles away, completely cut off from all former contacts with the exception of one close friend. The move helped for a while, then it hit with vengeance. Panic attacks, ruminating, depression, anger, the whole deal.",Stress +27594,"And one of the girls pull me and asks me if I like him and I said yeah and she goes “if you like him you can have him because my friend is only here for one night...(gets pulled). And there I was in a packed nightclub all on my own. Trying not to cry about the fact I got ditched by my date for the night. So I leave the club go home on the train with the worst feeling ever, more insecure than I’ve ever been. **tl;dr : one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had in my life (sorry for being dramatic)**",Stress +27595,But three days ago they put his dad on the morphine drip. He is watching his dad die in the same slow manner he watched my mom. The hospice nurses (oddly the same ones who saw my mom out) have turned his oxygen up to 5 and understandably my dad doesn't want to leave his side. So here we are I'm about to call my job for the second day and beg for a ride or not to get fired. My husbands parents are sort of helping him but still leaving it up in the air everyday before he is supposed to be at work.,Normal +27596,"Bottom line is this is the first situation in a long while causing me to really get anxious. I'm thinking about it most of the time and waffling about it. And today I got the invitation and started looking into flights and transport and I'm overwhelmed. I'm at an age where traveling alone shouldn't be a big deal, but it is, I never have traveled alone aside from a handful of 2 hr bus trips in 2007ish. Any advice?",Stress +27597,"Okay so a bit of background, me and my girlfriend are in our second year of college (my subjects make a freshman though hehe) and have been together for 6 months. I want to be an ambassador and she wants to go into marketing. Every day we spend time together, there isn't a moment where the two of us don't end up talking about our future. To be more specific, we always end up talking extensively about marriage, what to name our daughter, how many golden retrievers to get and the like. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and I enjoy talking to her about these things, it's just that I'm slightly worried that maybe she is in love with the idea of me, and I with the idea of her.",Normal +27598,"As the years went by the town labelled them as high school sweethearts, and every teenager envied their relationship. Everywhere she went, he followed. Every sport he played, she cheered. Through rain, sleet, snow, and sunshine she was in the stands proudly cheering him on. In their own little world they were in love.",Normal +27599,* Sleeping bag. * Solar-powered Lamps. * A raincoat. * Non-perishable food/MREs/trailmix. Anything else I should invest in?,Normal +27600,"We need a motel. We need advice. My grandson will end up leaving preschool, because we don't have a car and won't know where to have his bus pick him up if we do a shelter. He also has a standing dentist appointment every Monday this month. I hate that he has to go through this and not have a home to recover in.",Stress +27601,"Are there any recommendations I should bring up with my doctor? I know going to reddit for medication advice is generally not a good idea, however the psychiatrists and other doctor's I've seen do not seem to have much greater advice. Weight gain is a primary concern as I have a heart condition where weight cannot be increased. Citalopram (Celexa) Escitalopram (Lexapro, Cipralex)",Normal +27602,The silent sadness that you feel for no apparent reason yet somehow you feel too weak or too much of a pussy to do anything about it or even think that you deserve better because you feel like you deserve whatever painful feeling you are going through You feel like you rather suffer a long and painful life rather than ending your life because you feel like you deserve whatever agony you are going through The anxiety and panic attack come and go whenever they please. __________________________________________________________ Sometimes it feels like you somehow been hit by an invisible truck and your body is as frozen as it somebody turned you into a popsicle and you have no other choice but shake from the inside.,Stress +27603,"I'm running out of ideas for how we can talk to one another more often. I know it's going to get worse. She'll be starting grad school in August. I've been through grad school already myself, and I know how time consuming it is. She'll be busy.",Normal +27604,"As I recover, I am in a great deal of conflict. I am scared to remember that year. I am frightened of what might be there. And I feel guilty for not remembering that year, too. I go way down the rabbithole, sometimes, wondering if I am crazy and nothing happened and my ex was right, because there are so many things I can't remember, now.",Stress +27605,"If I pursue this research, would you be interested in participating? How much time would you be willing to give (asking because a survey might take up to 30minutes, but an interview can take up to 2 hours)? Would you prefer to be surveyed or interviewed (it would likely be a phone interview)? If I did a survey, it would probably still include some open-ended questions (that you are free to leave a few sentences of a few page worth of a response to) so I can still hear directly from you. Feel free to answer these questions in the comments, or dm me.",Normal +27606,"I made way to the store, it was full of like the whole fucking town. Turns out it was like this nearly every night, feeling good I decided to make conversation with the guy at the register. I was curious as to what happened to that other convenience store. Considering there was only two in the whole area, both in good spots, you wouldn’t think it would just go out of business. Nah something was off.",Normal +27607," She resents my relationship with our son - My son is a Daddy's boy. Even now as I type this I hear him out there waiting for me saying Daddy Daddy Daddy. He comes and gives me hugs when I come home and barely notices when my wife is gone or comes home. - ‎This is also something she's recently admitted and I feel guilty about it, but I feel like it's because she puts in no effort beyond what she needs to do.",Stress +27608,"As I'm sitting there patiently, I can hear the receptionist and her friend chatting about all sorts of things, fixing their hair, laughing. Finally I called my fiancé to tell him what was going on - I think I've been ""forgotten"" (the waiting room is off to the side out of view of the reception area). I was feeling very anxious to confront her and ask if she had forgotten about me because I did not want to get in a scuttle as I remember her temper from my last visit. As my fiance is on the phone helping me build up the courage to talk to her, the doctor walks out to the reception area visible to me, coat on, laptop in hand, ready to call it a night. I see him point to me and ask his wife what I'm waiting on.",Normal +27609,"Neither one at all my fault but thanks for thinking it is. :) I have plenty of value regardless of my relationship status or if something shitty has befallen me or not. tl;dr We broke up. If dude is so in love with his solitude he can have it, if he's so worried about resentment and arguments he doesn't have to worry about those either. Maybe next time he'll think about what he wants and is willing to do before he opens his mouth.",Normal +27610,I'm so used to being forced to submit to him that I no longer have a voice. He heavily favors my sister over me and would buy her anything she wanted in a heartbeat. An example would be at Darvin furniture one time. He takes me and my sister there and tells her to pick out a desk. I look at a $100 discount desk and he says we don't have enough money.,Stress +27611,"I'm looking for anyone who is interested in taking a 10 minute survey, with the chance to win a £100 (or equivalent) Amazon voucher. You need to be over 18, speak English as a first language, and be able to listen to some audio files and select matching pictures. I've been told it's fun to do! Anyone who enters will be really helping me as I try to progress my research into language and meaning. ",Normal +27612,"Hello, I am a long long long time user of Paxil and am looking to try something different. It works well for me, but i have been taking it for 17years. I have put on about 120 lbs over those years, some due to age, but I blame paxil for a majority. I also am not as energetic as I used to be, and noticed the decline shortly after going on it. But since it worked so well i ignored it.",Normal +27613,I can't stop the ruminating thoughts about the whole process. I also can't stop the what if's or I should have done more. I keep blaming myself and beating myself up. It sometimes makes me physically sick. Do you have any tips to help alleviate the pain and stop the thoughts?,Stress +27614,"406.449.9670 NEW MEXICO: all counties. 505.298.7206 x200 NEW YORK: Bronx, Kings, Nassau, New York (Manhattan), Queens, Richmond, Suffolk counties ONLY. 212.598.9000",Normal +27615,\-steel Thermos \-calorie block rations \-several MREs \-stack of restaurant napkins \-three containers of wet wipes,Normal +27616,"Both of these were poor choices. It just exacerbated the situation. I had vases, game controllers, tv remote, coffee mugs, etc thrown at me on varied encounters. This is not an exaggerated list.. I tried to leave and she blocked the door with her body, threatening to kill herself on one such occassion.",Stress +27617,"They are very sweet and welcoming to me, but I feel so overwhelmed with everything. I feel as though I gave up my independence to come here, which is fine, but I'm having a really hard time adjusting to everything being handed to me when I've had to provide for myself for so long. I told my boyfriend that I need supplies for the week and he responded with ""ask my mom"". I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I still cant.",Stress +27618,"The room would be free, along with internet access and a bed provided until you got on your feet. Once you are stable, we would, of course, expect you to chip in a bit. We have gigabit internet in the house, several flat screens, central air, and access to pretty much every streaming service you could want, as well as a shared steam library of about 1400 games. If we mesh well, you can stay for quite awhile, or if you want to move out once you have a stable job and an apartment lined up, we can help you move. PM me if you are interested, and I will reach out so we can get to know you.",Normal +27619,"I wouldn't say I'm a generally anxious person, but I have severe anxiety when it comes to my living space. I've lived alone in various apartments for a few years now, and I don't ever let people come over. I'm pretty messy, but not anything extreme enough to justify keeping people away. My boyfriend has only been over a handful of times and I do my best to rush him out. I'll go out of my way to keep people out.",Normal +27620,"I am 25 years old, suffered from anxiety for about 10 years or so. Anxiety used to stop me from being able to leave the house unless with my parents or boyfriend. I was bullied a lot, and I didn't attend school much and didn't take my GCSE's because of this. I was 90% 'cured' in late 2015/early 2016 by my therapist. I had received help from a therapist once before, but it wasn't helpful to me.",Normal +27621,They were too caught up in their anger. My grandmother would tell me stories about having to be the one that cleaned the blood from the walls. She thought I might be mentally handicapped because I wouldn't make a sound when all of this was going on. My brother was three years older than I was. My mother left my father when I was two.,Normal +27622,"Most of 2017, I stayed at around 135 and have been really good about hiding my fat with very flattering clothes but over the last 3 months, I have gained 15lbs as a result of traveling for work, moving to a new city and the holidays. I have always been very unhappy with the way I look and I envy girls who are slim. I obsess about this in my head 24/7 and even though I try to stay positive, the truth about how I REALLY feel comes out almost every time I go out drinking with friends and I become extremely negative and sometimes cry alone. My bf has told me that he is unhappy with my weight and he also hates seeing me unhappy. A summary of my bf: he is a complete workaholic, he loves me to death, he tells me how beautiful I am every day, he has dumped me 3 times because of my weight, he thinks I am an excuse maker and he does not know if he will commit to me.",Stress +27623,He admitted to using the social media of girls he knows to get off. He even admitted to using his ex's nudes to get off. He downloads that specific app and then usually deletes it. He forgot today. We have sex 1-3 times a day.,Stress +27624,"In his own ways I know he loves me but he's double my body weight, he's a weight lifter, and he has blind rage that only comes out on me of all people . If I keep gambling he could permanently damage me. I'm in healthcare I know these numbers so WHY? I like to believe that he knows his limits when we're fighting but he has scared me and himself in the past. Now that chokings are happening during every incident, the accidents could be irreversible.",Stress +27625,"German Shepards, Labrador Retrievers, Golden Retrievers and Poodles all seem like a good choice. Poodle would be good for allergies as many of my close family have allergies. Shepadoodles, Labradoodles, and Golden Doodles might also make a good choice if they were from bloodlines that had proven to be hypoallergenic. I've trained a therapy dog in the past who was a labradoodle. Lovely dog.",Normal +27626,"Anyway, I feel like maybe I should talk to someone, but I have no idea how to even bring it up with my doctor. How does that work? Do I just march in and say ""Hey Dr, I think maybe I have PTSD.""? Just sounds weird. EDIT: Also want to throw in here that I'm not interested in being medicated",Stress +27627,"Quick background: I left this guy back in 2006 after three years, and also turned him in for possession of child pornography and talking to a tween online and getting nudes from her. He plead guilty to Sexual Exploitation of a Minor, avoided federal charges but was put on the sex offender registry in that state. I just found out that he died in March of this year. Stage 4 cancer. It had metastasized by the time they found it, nothing they could do.",Normal +27628,"She humiliates me in front of other people and when we're alone. I'm always just a servant who's there to get her drinks and hype her up. I'm always just the butt of her jokes. She used to invite me over when she was hanging out with a guy she was trying to hook up with, just so she could make fun of me in front of him the whole time to make herself look better and/or cooler. I'm just a prop.",Stress +27629,"Asked for a little extension. She won’t provide it. I should be able to graduate in December. My academic counselor is looking to help me graduate around some of the program, so I hate to bring my concerns up higher or file with disability. My trauma therapist wants me to advocate higher up.",Normal +27630,We were hoping to call when he leaves for work today-he’s leaving in about 15 minutes. I’m really scared and I think he’ll continue to come after us even after he goes to jail so we’re probably going to have to get a restraining order. Considering we’re a financially unstable family this is going to majorly impact the way we live. We live in a two bedroom apartment so we’re probably going to have to move to a studio or anything else that’s cheaper. My brother leaves in 2 days because he has to go back to college and we need to take action when he’s here because me and my mom can’t really go against my dad (physically).,Stress +27631,"We ate and he was monitoring my data use because I sent some photos to our friend of her baby shower. And he said he ""hates having to watch over me like a father and he wishes I was more responsible"" but said that he ""accepts that this is the way I am"" I said nothing in response to this and just ate my food and let it slide, smiled at him and small talked. We got back to the park and they had put out a new sign saying they were closed for the rest of the day. This made him even more mad.",Stress +27632,"I am the person you go to to get stuff done, or if you want the right advice. I run marathons, kill it at the gym, learn languages and study for degrees in my spare time. My finances are in scrupulous shape. I am a top quartile parent and spouse. I'm comfortable (or at least not visibly uncomfortable) in any company.",Normal +27633,"and how that would intersect with a potential partner’s attitude. You’ve probably seen the posts on here: a woman gave birth four months ago and her husband is pissed off because her breasts are sore and he can’t play with them. A woman gave birth three months ago and her husband is pressuring her for PiV sex even though she is still uncomfortable. A woman doesn’t enjoy sexual play with her breasts anymore after breastfeeding because it’s a mammary gland and not a sex organ, and the husband gets pissed because he wants to touch her breasts and apparently isn’t aware of other erogenous zones. These were posts I remember reading on here for some relevant examples, but I can go on.",Normal +27634,Well I guess it was my second. Last week we set the ground work for the safe space to come back to if things got too overwhelming. This week we began to work through my trauma. Starting out the session was definitely very strange. I wasn’t sure what answers my therapist was looking for but once she assured me that there were no wrong answers everything went fine.,Normal +27635,"I'm leaning more toward not responding but I haven't been able to let it go. I'm not sure what she even wanted, other than to talk to me before make a big decision for and her kids. I got a message pleading for a conversation, no explanation as to what. She apologized and stated that she wasn't trying to cause problems. She said he was in prison for something that happened a long time ago (looks like he was on felony probation and did something to get it revoked), sent pictures of her children, who are all one year older than the children him and I share, and told me his mother had passed.",Normal +27636,"Things between us were amicable until that point. Now, the atmosphere is VERY different. It hurts now because she's acting indifferent and like she's totally unaffected (which she might well be, I don't know if she's pretending). Shes already moved on to someone else, someone she's liked for a while, her boss. She has tried three times to bring her up and talk to me about her.",Normal +27637,"My girlfriend does have PTSD. She said that she thought that I might have it because of an incident that occurred in 2014. You can read about it in my post history but basically I was placed on an involuntary psychiatric hold for pretty much no reason, the therapists responsible for it just covered themselves up and lied about it. It greatly affected me. I would definitely consider it to be a traumatic event, not just because of the actual events that transpired and the conditions of the hospital (which are pretty bad) but also just the huge betrayal of trust.",Stress +27638,"I have never before felt so betrayed by the system. Fiance (f) was blackout drunk. She started getting physical by grabbing my genitals and pulling so hard I now have a 1.5"" tear in my scrotum.. after that I was punched, bitten, scratched, and kicked over the next 5 minutes. All I could do was try to retreat, but I was unable to get to our room so I could get dressed and leave the house (I was nude at the time). As I got scared she would seriously hurt me, or I would strike her back, I grabbed my phone and dialed 911.",Stress +27639,"I'm sure as other survivors many of you are overcoming some of the same problems as well, and may have already had some of these realizations (of what makes you YOU) or are in search of them on your journey to becoming whole. It is crazy how DEEP these emotional scars and wounds are, that I literally cried way harder in this session, than in even processing waking up in a hospital bald! In this memory, I had post-partum depression right after my son was born and was living with Nmom and my Edad when they were still married 8 years ago. (I'm so grateful that they are no longer married. He is such an excellent parent/person NOW that he doesn't care about ""undermining her"".)",Normal +27640,I even pressed chargers against him. Unfortunately he still found a way through to me by hooking up with girls that I know and having them make sure I knew about it. Nothing has happened since June and I’m about to be moving far away from him. I struggle with what he did to me every day and the flashbacks occur still. I don’t expect this to ever fully go away but I am 18 now and I can say that I survived this.,Stress +27641,#NAME?,Normal +27642,I have been reluctant to start one of these as I am really ashamed to ask for help. One of my dear friends suggested I do this as I really do not have anywhere else to ask for assistance right now. I am at a high risk for homelessness. Landlord now wants me out unless I can come up with $800 in the next couple of days. I also was recently kicked off of food stamps lately for no apparent reason and I am working to get that fixed.,Stress +27643,"As much of an asshole I know it makes me, I simply can't put my heart into a relationship in which I know I'm not the father of her child. I was ghosted this past summer by one of few people I've ever wanted to have a relationship with, and the subsequent weeks were a quest to find sex that would distract me from the pain. Others came before, but she's the first to actually show interest in the long term. She's made these ambitious plans for our distant future, and I don't have it in my heart to tell her it'll never happen. She's the first girl to show me daily how much she cares for me, and the impending thought of breaking her heart is killing me.",Stress +27644,"When I was 16 I met a guy on vacation 11 years my senior... Having never been able to get along with those in my age group, I thought nothing of somebody older spending time with me, as I had grown up always spending my time around the adults during the holidays or my older brother's friends... Looking back now, I know this was naive and innocent on my part, nothing that anyone could or should blame a young kid for, as I really thought I was an outcast amongst my peers. And while it may have been true, there is no reason or excuse for a 27 year old man to want to be with a 16 year old girl except that he couldn't find a woman his age who would fall for his games and lies... He played nice for my vacation-- respecting my boundaries and acting only as a friend. He showed me the island and was nothing but kind and hospitable to my family...",Normal +27645,"so i finally got tired of being anxious and depressed, crying daily, not leaving the house a few months ago and decided it was time to see a doctor again. I would only leave to work, and couldnt hold a job very long due to the anxiety(eventually stop going after successfully alienating myself from everyone) and went to see a psychiatrist. He started me on 40mg of fluoxetine and 50mg atenolol a day with 1mg lorazepam 3x daily as needed. I averaged about 2 of the lorazepam a day, some days 3 some days 1 or even 0, and 1 time i took 4(christmas with the family, not all at once but over the course of the evening) I went back after about 2 and a half months and he increased my atenolol to 100mg and switched me to .5mg alprazolam 1x a day(from the past i knew this wouldnt be an effective dose but he wouldnt listen) For the 2 and a half months i felt like i was leading a normal life, doing well in school, seeing friends again, working, going on dates(have a girlfriend who understands my anxiety and we met when i was drinking to deal with it so this is the worst shes ever seen me and wants me to find a new doctor) interacting with my family and not hiding in my room all day. With the switch to xanax ive gone back to my old ways of hiding away, crying, not eating, and have almsot purchased cigarettes again(quit smoking about 10 months ago).",Stress +27646,"Other than him being drunk? Am I a horrible person? Should I apologize? **TL;DR** **BF thinks being called a lady jokingly is an insult and emasculating, I disagree, what do ? **",Normal +27647,"I'm taking care of her but I have no idea what to do with myself. **TL;DR: My wife told her co-worker that she and I were in an open relationship and started hooking up with him. She said it's because I have too high a libido, because our relationship lost it's newness, and because I don't do a fair share of housework. I'm not sure if we can work it out or if I should just leave. **",Stress +27648,"The worst he's ever done is yell. He does not seek out confrontation and he certainly doesn't threaten people. That's not to say he couldn't hold his own in a fight. My uncle apparently got the message and started crying and begged for forgiveness. My dad told him that he believes he could eventually forgive him, but that doesn't mean he would have anything to do with him.",Normal +27649,I can't take a shower and I haven't eaten today. I am sitting in my car and almost on empty. I keep ending up with abusive men who pretend to love me and my kids then hurt us. I am on a waiting list for housing but no call backs yet. The kids are safe and good and I go see them every few days til I have a place.,Stress +27650,"Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this goes here or under parenting. I met ""Bob"" in a big city, moved with him to his parents property to start a business/farm. He immediately went into 30,000 debt building an unnecessary smithy and had to get a job so we couldn't start the business after all. I bought a used car so I could get out sometimes and look for a job, he took the car to work (instead of his retired parent's car as planned) so I was stuck at home again. I got pregnant, we got married.",Normal +27651,"By contributing to my fund, you are investing in the future health of Latinos, immigrants, and the US. I promise to not let you down at Columbia and I will continue breaking down barriers should you choose to donate/sponsor. If you cannot donate, I ask that you please share my link and continue supporting students such as myself. Thank you for your support <3#undocumentedandunafraid Link: ",Normal +27652,"thought, if its not going to listen to me talk, I'll send an easy to read article (they literally listed the differences in bullet points) and a video. Still ignored it. I've also adopted the Eleven's ""no second chances"" policy from Doctor Who. Later in the night, I sent a text that basically said told it to be more supportive and actively listen (communication, bitch), or I can't continue to be around it. I went to sleep and woke up to it saying, ""fine, I guess we'll see other people, then!""",Normal +27653,"Does anyone have any advice? I feel pretty hopeless right now. I want desperately to be with my partner, and I suspect even if our relationship ends I will always love and care for him very much. I don't want to spend my life wishing I was with him, but be too overcome with my anxiety and fear to do so. It is discouraging to feel as though my ex-boyfriend is still inside my head and controlling my life.",Stress +27654,"Hey guys, I was watching Seth Meyers and he made a joke about the longest pizza event. I did some research and it will be on June 10th at the Fontana speedway in California. There will be over a mile of pizza and it needs to be eaten to count towards the record. This is a free event. I was thinking that this is somewhat related to the random acts of pizza lifestyle.",Normal +27655,"then i tried an ep of bojack horseman on my tablet, but it didn’t really help. for ex, after it was over, i still had my tablet on for light and i was staring up at the ceiling when the ceiling and the wall behind me started to ripple weirdly, distorting, and then the tablet light went off abruptly and i startled and yelped and quickly turned it back on! i also felt someone sit on my bed next to me when i tried to leave the light off and sleep. i distinctly felt it. i didn't hear distant voices like the other time i was this 'hypervigilant,' but i heard some small noise rustle in the closet (just a house noise i assume) and it unnerved me.",Normal +27656,I'm overwhelmed looking at all the options on amazon. Has anyone found something that works for them? Any ideas for other subreddits I should redirect my question to? I saw spire but they have so many one star reviews from customers whose device stopped working for one reason or another. I'm looking for something that's more reliable.,Normal +27657,"My main thing lately is that everything is making me feel overwhelmed and stressed out even in non-stressful situations, just every day life. I have a good life that is a lot less stressful than most but it seems to cause me a lot more stress than it would to anyone else like my wife for example. I feel like I'm always on the edge and my head is going to explode in angry/frustration over nothing at all. I've been checked out many times, full blood work and other tests and everything perfect with my health as far as my Dr is concerned. I've always had an idea in my head that I would do anything and everything to avoid taking medications and I've been convinced that I can deal with this on my own and if I can't then I'm doing something wrong.",Stress +27658,"I've told her each time to stop, she apologised but doesn't see what the big deal is because she ""hasn't been in love with me for a long time."" This is when I started to feel awful. I can't fully figure out why though because Im not in love with her - I probably hate her and haven't realised it yet. I just feel terrible. I can barely get out of bed to go to uni.",Stress +27659,"I just felt it was best to separate them for the time, at least until he hopefully calmed down. I had asked someone else in the group--without informing them of what had transpired--to direct the male back to the cars so we could leave. But the male had run off. So while everyone else went back to a mutual friend's house, I drove around looking for him. I found him sitting outside a gas station a little up the road.",Normal +27660,At most I've explained the aforementioned to people who needed to hear it for various reasons (e.g. my advisor). It's also not something I was ready to take on because... Damn... So many people have it worse than I do.,Normal +27661,"I sat her down and told her that she is ruining her chances of having a relationship with my husband by how strong she is coming on. I told her that she is pushing him away and making him uncomfortable. She seemed to take that to heart but then days later said, “this is just who I am.” I've been working on ways to fix this; it just isn’t very successful. I will take my mom to therapy with me when our schedules work. **TONIGHT:**",Normal +27662,She’s so sweet and gentle such that a complete stranger can reach into her mouth and take food away and she won’t even react. But she sometimes tries to grab food off the table if people aren’t around. MIL has been with us for several months now and tells us she loves spending time with the baby. She has her own room. I cook all the meals and my wife does most of the laundry.,Normal +27663,"I’ve had a some fucked shit happen to me. I'm not going into detail because I'm not looking for sympathy. Today is the last day I have to pay or quit. I don’t have anyone to help and I’ve exhausted all my other options applying for loans, pawning things, etc. I need to somehow come up with 1,490.46 by 6 pm.",Stress +27664,"I went on a week long Mexico vacation with my BF of 5 months, and she tried to sit me down and have a conversation about how if I got pregnant I would ruin my life (I had to teach myself all about those things because she preferred to ignore it, it's a good thing I enjoy research). Now that I've decided to move in with my BF when I move back to my hometown, I don't even know how or when I should bring this one up. She treats me as if I am a child who doesn't think things through on normal small decisions, this is going to be a nightmare. A little information on my own thought process and my relationship. I am a very pragmatic person, but also very independent.",Normal +27665,"So long story short I’m currently a freshman and my mom has made it clear that I’m being kicked out before the start of my sophomore year. I plan on making my way to New York City and living on the streets while looking for a job under the table. I am hoping to find somebody willing to hire me for a construction//landscaping job. My goal is to save money while going to high school, so that I can get my diploma and start a career in law enforcement. Of course my mom didn’t think to take note to save anything such as my birth certificate or the like...",Normal +27666,"I tend not to like driving long distances in cars with people in unfamiliar places still but I feel good just that I am back on the road even if I don't drive the car. This took me about five years to reach this level of comfort. All of my fears: I started to exercise hard every single day. Heavy exercise would defeat the fear in most cases or make it easy to manage. If I did not exercise, I was a walking fear bomb.",Normal +27667,"So now they are querying whether he has a traumatic brain injury suffered a year before we got together and that now he has progressing brain damage. At this point my nurse self kicks in, I can't not help someone in that situation. I feel sorry for him I don't want him to be hurt or alone. But I also want to hate him and leave. So my incredibly long winded question to you is this: if he has brain damage is this an excuse or a reason?",Stress +27668,"Things with my foster parents were reaching a breaking point, so I finally ran away from home. I've never gone back, and never will go back. I'd rather die than go back into a cage. I skipped the last month of my college semester, didn't bother going to the finals, and just relaxed in the downtown area of the city I lived near. I still had my job, so I was just relaxing and enjoying my newfound freedom.",Normal +27669,"! I feel like I am in a pit that I cannot escape from. I know that I am anxious all the time and terrified of fucking up and I know for sure that the more anxious I am, the more I cannot focus well and think straight and the more likely it is for me to fuck up .. and somehow, everytime I do, I feel like I just want to belittle myself so much that I deliberately and purposefully want to see myself covered in blood and bruises because I feel like I deserve it! ! EDIT 2 ..",Stress +27670,"So a bit of long back story here, I was adopted as a child not a proper legal adoption, there was a residency order for me to live with my aunt and uncle for an underdetermined amount of time, after a year my aunt and uncle split and my uncle kept me (my aunt was the one I was actually related to) social services never really got involved past this point. My uncle/ adoptive father started dating a woman that I would come to know as my mum (I always knew they weren’t biological) They had a very destructive relationship and my adoptive father was incredibly abusive towards her (like attempted stabbing & trying to set her on fire in front of me) he was never abusive towards me in fact he treated me like I was untouchable which fostered resentment between me and my “mum” They eventually spilt when I was 18 (9 years ago) and I’ve not spoken to my dad since,my mum works in a hospital and just informed me that he was admitted to the ward she works on and potentially has lung cancer. My mum is practically gleeful about it being cosmic karma for him being a horrible person but I’m uncomfortable with how happy she is that he’s ill, I’ve not really spoken to her about it because she’s the one that suffered not me so I can’t really tell her how to deal but it just seems a bit much to me to be happy.",Stress +27671,"I am still passionate about world cuisines and good food in general, but I want it to feel like fuel, feeding a good fire, it cannot feel like stuffing for this turkey. Have you had the same kind of experience? Feel free to share! Or have you noticed no appetite increase whatsoever from Mirtazapine? Share that too!",Normal +27672,Fines. Probation. Court-ordered anger management classes. Debt. Final notices on some bills totaling as little as $17.,Normal +27673,"He seemed satisfied with this and kept pouring me drinks. Eventually he decided to close up for the night and I went back up to the house, tipsy and confused about what had just happened, but glad I had bargained some time. I got myself on the dole and the rope that was against my neck seemed to loosen just a little bit. However I was still in the prison of depression and plagued by self-destructive tendencies. Although I had some more regular income I would often binge on the euphoria of having money (I was still a teenager after all), spend too much in my mania and then quickly sink into paranoia and avoidance when rent day came along.",Stress +27674,"Oh, I forgot Aversives. This is where the therapist is openly punitive, hostile or withholding, explicitly, in order to punish and teach you. Linehan gives three sentences towards ant ethical criticism of this, by saying it works. It also uses fun techniques like giving multiple sessions a week, plus groups, which are mandatory. There is also telephone contact.",Normal +27675,"They're all things I enjoy doing and don't see as being that big of a deal, but she seems to perceive them as grand gestures. She regularly says that she ""doesn't deserve"" someone as ""perfect"" as me (which yes, she does, she's amazing, and also I'm not even that great, just moderately thoughtful) and has also said that ""because of past experiences, I have trouble liking people who I know like me... I guess it's more rewarding to feel like I've ""earned"" the validation."" In short, it seems like because of her past relationships, she kind of has an unhealthy mentality around 'earning' affection, and definitely has some sort of commitment issues (apparently her last ex said that he didn't really love her for the last year of their relationship, but was too afraid of hurting her to break up with her). All of this makes me ambivalent about broaching the topic of a committed relationship with her because I don't know how she'll react, but at this point we've both admitted we're falling for each other.",Normal +27676,"He suddenly wanted to have a relationship with her, which I saw as a good thing. I said he could come over to visit as often as he wanted, he just needs to tell me before hand so I can be home. We decided to give our relationship another shot and I got pregnant again immediately. We moved into a house together, I had really horrible morning sickness this time and Bob got disgusted with my neediness and moved out again a week later, leaving me in a huge house I can't afford or maintain, again far away from any form of support necessary for a pregnant mother of a young kid. He seems to love his kid very much but has no concept of taking responsibility.",Stress +27677,"They are always calling me for everything, I don't even wanna answer my phone, but if I don't I may get yelled at. It has happened. I have spent many days and nights in tears because of the stress of this job, and even one morning, threw a bit of a fit when our dm made me come in because there was another evaluation on my day off. I had to cancel all my plans that day to go in. I couldn't stop myself.",Stress +27678,I go to the VA and I see people who need it more than me. I make a good living and only want to get on with life. Plus I know filing a claim at the VA is humiliating and I don’t want to go though what others I fear have. Thanks for listening. I posted this as there was a guy on the foxnews site dogging people with fake PTSD because his son served in combat and is fine.,Normal +27679,"I won’t have to make that decision to either shut up and let him have his way or or risk my safety and the safety of my family. I’m not bound to him anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t panic at the end of each day in the split second that I think it’s going to happen again. I’m an adult now, not a child that was groomed and broken like a horse. I’ll never again have to ask “Can we stop now please?” and get a no. I’ll never have to ask if I’m allowed to put on my clothes and leave.",Normal +27680,"And I'm just really confused and don't know how to feel or what to believe or think. Did he kill himself because of me? Did he know I wanted to see him or did they simply never told him? Is it my fault he is dead now, and that my little brother has no father anymore? I'm just so confused and overcome with emotions right now.",Stress +27681,"She told me she had one more person to interview and that she would get back to me by Monday. I shook her hand and rushed out the store to another place and went to their restroom. I ruined my hair, I popped a little of my collar and unbuttoned some of my dress shirts. I added some water stains and even took advantage of a partially full cup of soda in one of the stalls. I spilled it on the rims of my shirt but not entirely.",Stress +27682,I can barely pay the bill this month but the device is not working well at all as it is old and I spilled a good amount of water on it last night during dinner. I need at least $50 to replace the device itself and keep my plan. Willing to pay back as I get on my feet again. Long time Redittor here Im not going anyplace. Thank you,Normal +27683,"I have been an avid Redditor for 4 years but unfortunately don't have the 1000+ karma needed to post on r/Borrow. I would pay $1200 ($1000 + $200 interest) in return by August 24 or earlier. Although I will (hopefully) receiving my stipend by the 6th, I know for a fact I will be receiving my scholarships for fall semester/my first paycheck from my job at home on or before the 24th, so this is just an added safety net in case the stipend takes extra time to process. I'm willing to provide any lender with the relevant personal information in a private message, and will keep in contact as much as necessary until the money is paid back (PayPal woud be best, but I'm open to other options as long as they are available in this country). Thanks for reading!",Normal +27684,"So I decided that I am going to talk to my doctor about tapering off lexapro next week when I go in to see her. I won't lie that I'm scared, but I think it is time. The only real thing that I had while starting lexapro was restless leg and increased anxiety, but this lasted about a week. So let's hear it reddit, what is a taper really like. Oh, male and 20 mg daily for a year is my timeline with the meds.",Normal +27685,"I have had mobility issues since I was twenty three following a difficult pregnancy that triggered inflammatory arthritis and fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome. Over the years I've had a few falls due to being very unsteady on my feet at the best of times, which have added to my mobility issues. My right ankle and calf are permanently injured, I have achilles tendonitis, plantar faciitis and the muscle in my calf has tightened so much due to the shortening of my tendons that my foot points instead of sitting normally. I have osteoarthritis in my right hip, which slips in the socket and causes a lot of pain, and this has all had an ongoing impact on the rest of my body as my back often spasms or locks and I have issues with a frozen shoulder that limits the use of my right arm. On top of all of this, I have kidney, liver and bladder problems.",Stress +27686,"Can’t wait to reach that phase. I stopped by a small seafood restaurant along the way, to sit and charge my phone and consult reddit. One of the men who worked at this place asked me where were I was from. He was a person who worked for this place for eighteen years, with a golden grill on his teeth. I told him that I started in Brunswick and ended up here and that’s all that mattered.",Normal +27687,"I am so scared that he will realize how fucked up and terrible I am and not want to continue things. I don't want him to go and he keeps assuring me he will not, but I am so, so scared that sometimes it is overwhelming. I feel like this is a disgrace on my part, because, logically, I know that he very much likes me and he really wants to stick around. But there's a part of me that genuinely believes I am not good enough and that I will not be enough once he realizes that. I am so fucked.",Stress +27688,"Seated on a throne of wire, Mermaids tending to the pyre Golems force the walls to touch As lemurs gaze into the dusk Danny drears while lightning nears",Normal +27689,"He would play really loud music on the speaker. It got so bad when he threw the living room table at me.. we got kicked out of at least 4 apartments. At this point we were homeless. He wouldn’t get a job, and wanted me to get out and hold a sign and pan handle for money, if I didn’t he would drive the car we lived in really fast and say he was going to kill us. He wrecked that car (small wrecks) at least ten times.",Stress +27690,"The husband's voice sounds like pure rage, the wife's both angry and defensive. A couple of times there were sounds of broken objects. We have never really talked (they don't speak good English), so I'm not sure how to approach them about it. Calling the police feels excessive, but I'm also worried someone might be abused. What is an appropriate thing to do here?",Stress +27691,"l asked if there was someone else and she said ""no, even if there was we weren't in a relationship"". Fast forward 3 months and I'm finally over her and life is going great, then I got a text from her and we started talking again. During the holidays I returned to my country and I spent all month with her, this time officially dating. We always kept our relationship open, so we jokingly spoke about one night stands and if we had any during those 3 months apart. We both mentioned that we had one - after we stopped talking.",Normal +27692,"Ive never really had a problem with my education until this semester, I feel mislead in my classes i.e (I do great on the homework and then I end up failing the tests). This has lead to me failing or doing not up to my standards in my other classes and its beginning to effect my own self worth. Instead of being confident in myself im resorting to internal hatred and just overall sadness. I am in a relationship with a very loving girlfriend but I feel that if I bring my problems into it, it could go sideways and I dont want that. Because of all of this my sleep schedule has not been exactly ideal, I usually go to bed at midnight and wake up early for class and the quality of my sleep is not what I would call good (tossing and turning and frequently waking up).",Stress +27693,"My life has spiralled into a area I’m not sure I can survive in much longer. Everyone who was close to me have seemingly all decided to just pretend I don’t exist right as I start my third year of Uni. My anxiety levels are usually pretty high this time of year but this last month has been the worst of my life for my emotional well-being. I’m trying so hard but I’m suffering, and the meds don’t seem to be helping What do I do",Stress +27694,Kick a man while he's down you sick sick fuck. I'm just trying to get advice and you delete part of my post. FUCK YOU. BURN IN HELL. People like you are why I hate this world.,Stress +27695,"It happened in the fall of 2003. I was getting off the bus and a boy that lived in my neighborhood was walking to his house. I ran up and tackled him, as we have done many other days before. We would always wrestle, have snowball fights, goof off. Today was different.",Normal +27696,"Sometimes it really sucks whenever I don't have anything else to give to others. But now that it's winter, I started buying gloves, extra socks, toques, and earmuffs at the dollar store. Last week, I gave away 4 sleeping bags that we no longer use. We have tons of them since my family and friends camp a lot... it's just extra. What other ways can I help and give back to the community?",Normal +27697,"She's super neurotic and would be a project** **A place for my Aunt to stay. She's pretty much helpless on her own. She's 53 and has lived with my grandma basically all of her life. Once my grandma's mind started to go, the taxes suddenly weren't getting paid, and this is why this happened.",Normal +27698,Is this common? How did you deal with it? I want to just apologize and make things right but some of the things the other person probably forgot or were just super insignificant. I want to own up to my actions but it's hard. I assume if people find out I was a jerk they'll all hate me and I'll be an outcast and a pariah :/,Stress +27699," My mother is 60 years old and has been somewhat homeless for over 2 years now in a city about a 3 hour drive away from me. She often meets people on the street that allow her to stay with them for a little while, but it seems that many get tired of her mania/excessive talking and lock her out. Also, important to note: she is an alcoholic, very intelligent (was a biologist), has had mental issues since 2005, and has been in and out of correctional facilities for various things related to drugs/drinking and violating parole. I haven't noticed her in a depressive state for over 3 years now.",Normal +27700,"Eat probiotic food, good gut bacteria enhacems serotonin production. Try and learn meditation. I thought it wasn't my scene but I got an app called Headspace and it surprisingly helps. ​ I've been close to killing myself 3 times.",Normal +27701,"Hello my name is jake I am 17 years old and I need some help I'll give you a bit of back story Ever since I was 5 my mother was always drunk everdently she was an alcoholic and whenever she was drunk she got very agressive and to cut a long story short she abused me for over 8 years not only physically but mentally too and when I was 15 I finally spoke out and went to turn to the authorities but they didn't help they sent me back to my mum countless times and in then end I put myself into care I refused to go back I have been in care for a year and a couple months now but ever since just before chirstmas I've been having these night terrors ( which I have reason to believe that it is ptsd ) I have viscous flash backs of my mother doing all them things too me and I wake up screaming , sweating , and as a instinct ready to fight and it lasts for a good 15 mins which is horrible What I'm trying to get at is , is there any coping mechanisms that you can suggest because I feel useless and helpless at this point",Stress +27702,"Who do I talk to at this point, the Command Equal Opportunity Officer (e-7) who basically says she will look into it but doesn't seem concerned. There is a stigma about asking for help in the Navy and it needs to change. Basically, if you take any meds you get treated like a black sheep. If you go to medical and they give you meds, you get removed from your duties and everyone else carries your load while you are forced to stand around them not allowed to do anything. If you do get out of the navy because you spoke out about being depressed, anxious, or having symptoms of PTSD then you would be seperated from the Navy and sent home.",Stress +27703,"No really guess!.... This IS THE LAST TIME!!! THIS IS IT!!!! Fast forward , she goes a little further this time and consults an Attorney Firm. She always said money was problem , and me being an idiot said I dknt care I'll make a plan so that this evil doesn't have to be in our lives, She calls Me to say that the Attorneys need $250 for an Eviction Letter to him.",Normal +27704,"I knew that he was scary when he would pray in front of me, yet the entire thing was an angry ATTACK on God (not trying to get into beliefs here, just what happened.) I knew he knew how wrong he was when he told me one day to not tell anyone but that he actually HAD threatened suicide in front of his ex wife with a knife, yet still painted her as the evil doer in the story. I knew he was lying when he made sure to tell me about how crazy one of his exes went at the end accusing him of rape (why would he even bring it up!!) and how after he took another ex home from injury while we were together, that she might try to lie to me and say that something happened, but NOTHING did! It gave me chills when this man would tell me if his ex wasn't his child's mother he would have had her murdered long ago, and that he had friends offer to help!",Stress +27705,"The next couple of days have been mostly normal. A large group of my friends were visiting so I had a good time, but that episode made me slightly anxious every now and then. I have no prior history of anxiety disorder or mental illness. For all I know, this episode could have been anything or nothing, but I do remember feeling a strong sense of anxiety during the tram ride. At the time, I was attributing it to being a little paranoid on pot, so I wasn't concerned - until I started to lose my vision.",Stress +27706,"I really liked this guy, he was super funny and easy to talk to, and he seemed really trustworthy to me. He told me he had been keeping an eye on me since he saw Pedo talking to me a lot and hanging around me a lot. He told me that two other girls around my age had worked with him before me, but not at the same time. Both girls had quit a couple of months into their jobs, even though they were doing well, seemed happy and very much liked their positions. He told me that both girls had complained a few times to him that Pedo had grown very attached to them and made them feel very uncomfortable, but didn’t know what to do because he was their boss.",Normal +27707,"Luckily for me, I do not have cancer. Neither does my mom, dad, grandpa, brother, sister, cousins, or anyone I know have it. Besides my grandmother, she’s 55 (or 56) and has Stage 3 lung cancer, she was diagnosed in 2016 I believe? I heard it was going good about a year ago but I haven’t heard anything since. I decided to head on over to cancer just to see other people’s point of views of things.",Normal +27708,"7) what if there arent enough houses for all the people in this world? ( yes..seriously) we have never lost him, he has never been stung by a bee, we do not have the news on around him, nor has our house been broken into.However, he has heard grown ups out in public talking about the recent school shooting. He also gets night terrors and nightmares and is afraid to fall asleep sometimes. how do I help him manage his anxiety in an age appropriate way?",Stress +27709,"She embarrass him in front of others. Last weekend was really what made me decide to write this. Jay, Marie, me and the husband were at another couples house. We were drinking and playing board games but Jay had to work the next day so he stopped early. Marie starts taking this personally for some reason and then says to all of us that he’s “always ruining her nights out”.",Normal +27710,"I’m currently doing EMDR for my severe anxiety issues and depression. We’re going through past instances that have plagued me and are why my mindset is a negative shithole. I had my anxiety in a certain place, where I felt comfortable. The anxiety was there but I managed it well enough. Things were not perfect and there was still a lot of things that needed to change in order for me to progress.",Stress +27711,"I am 25 years old and recently had to stay with my mother and her new husband. My mom has had issues on and off throughout my childhood, but it is only recently that I identified her as a narcissist. We used to be very close (inappropriately so), but last week she disowned me and asked me to move out over a Reddit post she found of mine (not this account). I am moving out on Sunday, and have been enduring the silent treatment for about two weeks. I was raped by an acquaintance less than 6 months ago, and everything is hitting me all at once.",Stress +27712,"He's exactly what I've needed, maintains his side of an equal partnership, etc. My only problem is that, though our sex life is great, I catch myself being overly sexual sometimes, even if he shows no interest that occasional day, then feeling extremely hurt and rejected if he says that he doesn't want to do anything that day. It's not like we never do anything, I just seem to still be attached to this idea. He shows me he loves me in many different ways but this is so hurtful when I'm aware that it's ridiculous to have these expectations. I guess I'm afraid I'll never stop feeling this way and I'll end up hurt him.",Normal +27713,I just wanted to thank everyone on this sub reddit for answering my crazy questions. Also for answering my questions with obvious answers when I was too crazy to see the answers. I have been homeless for 3 months. Not anymore! I have my own room I'm renting from a very nice family.,Normal +27714,"Certain things will make me feel uncomfortable. as of recently she will jokingly play with my nipples, like suck on them or biting them if we are laying in bed and I’m shirtless. This makes very uncomfortable and I don’t like it at all. I’ll laugh and tell her to stop and that I don’t like the feeling of it. She will keep jokingly doing so and tell me stop being a baby or that she is just joking around.",Stress +27715,"Edit: She has seen a therapist that diagnosed her with PTSD based on a fear of tornadoes (that she has never been directly affected by other than her parent, father, having them go into a basement as one was nearby). I believe this to be a slight misdiagnosis and the focus of the treatment to be incorrect. I'm looking for support from others that have had similar experiences and perhaps know a bit more about the differences between PD, PTSD, and CPTSD. Going to attempt to summarize the background info with bullet points. -Together for 5 years, married for 1.",Normal +27716,"But in that moment neither my words nor my body made a difference...he did what he wanted.... I wanted to push him, kick him, shout...but...i couldnt move. There were times he didn't listen to me but I never thought it would lead to him forcing himself onto me. I didn't trust I'd know how he'd react if I did or said anything...He wasn't the gentle and respectful person I thought he was. I left after the shower but when I got home, I broke down.",Stress +27717,"I was trying to eat my food but my hands became shaky and i then didnt feel hungry. People kept asking me why my hands are shaky, and the people across from me laughing at me. Idk what to do, ive worked here for 3 years but i just cant get over my anxiety. I just hate having meetings and celebrating with co workers. I havent been diagnose for anxiety disorder but i want to been on medication?",Stress +27718,If you knew Garret you would never have seen this coming. The family is exhausted at this point. I just want to do anything I can to help them and this is the platform I have. Any little thing helps. I can't think of a more caring family that is totally deserving of any help they can get.,Normal +27719,"Anytime I have a scheduled transaction towards my checking account, my wages are immediately garnished. However, last night was the real wake up call. After work, I came home drunk and let my stress get the best of me. I ended up getting in a fight with my gf about money, finances and utilities. Not wanting to face the pathetic reality that I have ""sugar momma"" for a girlfriend, I packed everything I own in my vehicle, parked it less than a mile away (incase I may have forgotten anything) and slept in it until the battery died.",Stress +27720,"Kinda interesting how even when I’m not feeling awful, tiredness still makes me ruminate and feel angry. Hm. I wonder if it’s the biological sleepiness or if it’s kinda a pavlovian response because I’m so used to having terrible feelings when I sleep? Probably kinda both. Anyway, how are you all doing?",Stress +27721,"Hi, I am 21 years old, I used to suffer from panic attacks and anxiety last year, but somehow managed to beat it and live like a normal person again. But from time to time, i have this weird feeling that I am gonna pass out or something like that, my face is pale and I feel this uncomfortable pressure in my eye balls, it happens when I'm at university during class or even during normal daily activities. I did some blood tests and everything is fine, so is this anxiety again?",Stress +27722,"Extra: Apparently he was jailed before marrying my mom and he never told us until she found out later into the marriage. There's more into the story but I would like to know if I can file a charge on him for past incidents as well.... and I am upset that he is going to be charged for misdeamenor instead of felony. Since the victim (my mom) has enough evidences, it will be hard for him to drop the charges right? He has been avoiding the police so it took a while for the police to catch him but he paid for the bail and bailed himself out with a help of his friend. I just wished he would recieve a felony but he pleaded not guilty on the first court appearance and apparently there are more court appearances to be made befoe verdict is finalized....",Stress +27723,"First and foremost, I am not a veteran. I found out about PTSD service dogs from my good friend who also suffers from PTSD and is in the process of training her pup to be a service dog. I have found some helpful resources online giving information about service dogs for PTSD, but most of them seem to be geared toward either: therapy dogs or PTSD dogs only for veterans. ➡️ are all trainings this expensive? ➡️ awesome article, but this website is also for veterans",Normal +27724,"I see him in person 1 - 3 times per week, almost always at restaurants. If it matters, we've never been to each others apartment. It is in his lease that he can't have guests over (???). I've invited him to mine but it hasn't worked out. I have some abandonment issues from friends pretending they like me but actually secretly disliking me, so I have anxiety that he doesn't actually like me.",Stress +27725,"When first diagnosed I was put on a daily prozac. 3 years later, I've managed to wean myself off and just use my klonopin only for the worst attacks. That actually seemed to work well and I've been off the prozac for about a year and even got off Facebook 3 months ago because it was becoming a point of unneeded drama, but I'm suddenly getting the depression symptoms again. I've walled myself off from most people and have become less communicative with my husband. I don't like going to our neighbors house because I have a paranoia that 2 of them don't like me.",Stress +27726,"I was cleaning my house with bleach, got a nasty burn in my throat when I woke up the next day. Day later it went away, but the day after that I got the worst body aches, chills, 100.6 fever, and dizziness for 2 days. It all cleared up but I have had this dry cough for 4 days now with no relief, it keeps me up at night, and I go into these coughing fits. What should I Do? I can't see a doctor for 2 more weeks as I am out of town on a job, i think I am a hypocongiract so ii worry a lot lol.",Stress +27727,"I have almost constant health anxiety. It's a mixture of agoraphobia and health anxiety. I'm afraid of having some incurable disease or suddenly stopping breathing... I've been kinda iffy the past few days, just tired from lack of sleep, and I usually feel like shit after my period which triggers my anxiety. Well anyway I went out to meet my mom for some food and the first thing she says to me is ""wow are you okay?""",Stress +27728,"I did something once that I had been doing almost constantly in the intervening years: I imagined my ex-fiancee. But this time, it felt real. ""Through the lord, all things are possible"" Shock, bliss, happiness, peace, closure, and many other emotions multiplied beyond reckoning coursed through me. I promised my life to God, and continue to believe that he did speak to me.",Normal +27729,"I don't have a therapist right now, and I don't really talk much to anyone about this. Right now, I can articulate how it feels, because it's still fresh. But when I'm feeling good, I have trouble discussing my anxiety. It's not something I want to delve into when I'm in a good mood. I'm not really sure where I was going with this or what I'm looking for, but I just wanted to vent since this was fresh on my mind right now.",Normal +27730,"I spent six years in a very abusive relationship. We had a child together. After she was born, I made my way out. I ended up fleeing several houses and apartments trying to stay away from him. There’s been a long history.",Stress +27731,"He said he’d never love us. He acknowledges and plays with his daughter starting after she turned 6 months. He use to threaten to take her away from me. He gets delusional at times and he yelled at me “I’m going to off myself if you don’t admit that you were going to call the cops on me for calling the manager at McDonald’s an asshole!” I filmed it. So he said, “here’s your daughter try not to off yourself” He really thinks I’m going to kill myself for no reason....",Normal +27732,Because i feel like nothing i do isn't even worthy of being considered a success. Because the carpet is cover in pee from animals and reminds me of my mothers house. How i used to go to school every morning covered in cat and dog urine. Every little bit of confrontation feels like world war 3 in my head. Every little feels like it gets put on me as blame and i cant deal.,Stress +27733,"Do I live in this cycle forever? Is there really no chance for me? I can't even begin to explain how my sibling got out, it was pure luck and they are heavily dependent on an S/O. I feel like I'm grabbing at straws. I've done this song and dance a million times.",Stress +27734,"I mean what are you suppose to do when your son is 5 and his older brother who is 16 is picking on him. He was too big for them to punish. So I endured it , some days I hate my whole family for never saying anything. They just were okay with me being scared of my brother constantly. Fast forward to me being 18 living with my other brother.",Stress +27735,"I haven't posted here yet, but as everyone here has probably experienced, PTSD is one of the most isolating conditions. Even as an adult surrounded by other adults at school, I feel so isolated. It's really disappointing that other students in my class can't seem to grasp the concept of PTSD in people who aren't veterans. There is a fundamental lack of understanding that has resulted in further alienation. For some reason, dissociations in sufferers who are not former military is unacceptable.",Stress +27736,He wouldn't take me to the hospital but I could feel the gaping wound in the back of my head and the hole in my lip my tooth had done. He kept packing. So I called the police. I couldn't see out of my left eye and clearly couldn't drive and felt I had no other option. The police department chose not to press charges.,Stress +27737,I need help. I need sound advice on how I can overcome this situation. I need brutal honesty. Merci ! Please excuse my grammatical errors,Stress +27738,Apparently it doesn't work that way. I don't drink or do drugs anymore (which didn't help keep me safe at all btw) so there is nothing to blur it out. I just have to live with all the horror and memories and I hate it. Tl;dr I hate myself and the life I led. I'm ashamed I didn't figure out that things could be different sooner.,Stress +27739,"I just got an email to schedule an interview for a job. I haven’t heard from the lady a few days after thinking it would take her a few days to figure a time for me to come in and email back. Nope she CALLED ME on the home phone instead today. First off I didn’t know because the caller ID said cellular call and usually I don’t answer those calls because their scams. I later looked up the number I have an app that tells if it’s a scam number, what business it is, landline etc.",Normal +27740,"I can't get over this feeling. Nothing feels good. I just finished spring break and I had a chance to work out every day. Even when I was working out, I felt overwhelmingly anxious. I can't state concisely what I'm thinking.",Stress +27741,"I've never done this before but we always stay at my house, so maybe the odds are just greater here? After she told me about it in the morning I feel like pure shit. She said my eyes were open and I don't know if she believes it was accidental... How can I manage this situation? That's all I really need to know, I don't know what to do.",Stress +27742,"If they weren't done he would get angry at her. After that he would borrow money from her while he was making a lot of money. Instead of paying her back, he would spend both his income and her money on things he wanted. The next thing was that he would say things like ""I'll do this for you but you'll owe me a blow job later."" While that worried me the next sign really made me concerned.",Stress +27743,"She says she's sorry and that she would never have taken it to a physical place, and completely rejected the first co-workers request to take it further. However she continued to talk to him and also continued to talk and flirt with the second co-worker, when she knew he had romantic feelings. She says she's sorry and has an addiction to being desired. I told her it's not fair to me or the men she's leading on. She agrees and is trying to convince me to stay with her.",Stress +27744,I don't know if I should call it abuse. Fiancé suffers from PTSD & alcoholism... Punched me and threw shit at me at an international airport and almost got himself kicked off the flight. Last night was the 2nd time but far worse. He beat me with a bag he thought I packed and thought I was going to leave him (it was a bag I forgot to unpack and was in the closet). My head was bleeding profusely and I (thank goodness) ran outside and called for help...,Stress +27745,"It's like Everyone else is allowed to be frustrated but me. So I use a lot of my UPT (unpaid time off; it's the ONLY time off we get, no vacation or anything) for my sister - her wedding (a whole fucking week), her kids' birthdays that she insists I be at, and things like their baptisms. And I know I use a lot of my hours on them, but overlook it because I love them and know they want to see me. But I only have 6 hours left, and each shift is 4 hours. I might have to use 4 of those today because the front of my house is flooded (there's a car stuck there and an officer blocking off people from entering), because I emailed HR and even sent in a picture but this company just doesn't give a fuck and probably won't cancel.",Stress +27746,I’d like to be married before we are pregnant. I’m not willing to compromise on that. Anyone been in a similar situation? Advice on how to proceed? ---,Normal +27747,"Now that he needs financial help he knows exactly where to find me. I know he wants me to just say “okay, here’s the $730 dollars you need to make rent and pay your credit card bill.” But I don’t want to just give him a handout. He’ll just come back the following month and begin to expect it. Aside from that we can’t afford an extra $730 a month. My wife and I are trying to pay off our debt and start a family.",Normal +27748,"The Power of Now - this teaches you to look behind your mind, to be the observer of your life. Please share your experiences and how you get through anxiety. I am more than pleased to see video, read books, articles etc;. Thank you and I hope that this will help you to pursuit your true nature and live happily. P.S Not a native English, sorry for grammar mistakes.",Normal +27749,He causes emotional pain to me every day but I cannot get myself to leave him. He physically abuses me sometimes but it rarely leaves a mark or bruise. I feel like even if he cheats on me (again) I still won’t want to leave him. The only way I think I will leave him forever is if I end up hating him. And the only way I will hate him is if he caused physical harm that I cannot lie my way out of like I have in the past.,Stress +27750,"""I understand as a woman why you are doing this. But as a mother, I am begging you not to press charges. It will ruin his life. Please, let us take care of him. We'll set him straight.",Stress +27751,"I'll try to keep this short and succint so it's easier to read. I had a very brief relationship with this girl. We both conected inmediately and tried to be in a relationship. We both had problems that consumed us: she was bulimic and I had erections issues; we both had parent issues and a nihilistic aproach to life. I wasn't a (mentally) strong boy, I was very immature and naive, I suppose she was kind of the same.",Normal +27752,"Picked music up again and I'm considering the possibility of doing it for the rest of my life rather than science, which is what I've been led by my environment to believe is my ""destiny."" Even if I am coming to plenty of realizations, I constantly ponder about our relationship, how horribly it ended, and whether I may have done something wrong and how I can fix a bad quality in myself that made things end that way. I just want to forget. Is this horribly written? I think so.",Normal +27753,I’m coming to find that my family are rapist sympathizers given the “right” circumstance (ie. sports). How would you want the media to change? What would make it easier to watch the news while also covering newsworthy topics? My head is in a fog still so hopefully that all made sense.,Stress +27754,"It’s like hes expecting my tummy is spilling over my jeans like a muffin(it’s not) I’m still a size small instead of an Xsmall like I used to be when 14 but that’s pretty fucking normal I reckon.its like god help me if I’m a medium right? Today I lashed out at him by saying omg dad it’s cuz I’m wearing these pants today ( the pants which are wide, loos high waisted and make ass look bigger), instead of skinny jeans so I obv gained like 10 pounds or tonnes of kilos or whatever overnight. Later on he said “it’s so easy to make you mad you shouldn’t react that way just cus you don’t think you’re fat” this made me think that he is doing this to get a rise out of me which isn’t cool for 55 yo dad or you know an adult. Or another reason is probably cuz he is getting older and living a sedentary lifestyle, it’s the holiday season and he put on weight he’s not doing anything about it and he’s taking it out on me, he’s a bit chubby but not like overly flabby it’s just most shirts don’t fit anymore. Anyway this part isn’t relevant to my relationship but I’d like to share anyway.",Normal +27755,"This is marriage #2 for both of us. Husband's (52 M) ex (51 F) cheated, my ex (53 M) had emotional affair, leading to ending marriages in the same year. We dated in high school, and reconnected as friends, started dating about a year later, moved in together after a year, got engaged 2 years after that. Before getting engaged I found out he was having an emotional affair with a woman who lived about a 5 hour drive away from us. I found out when he left an IM open on his computer, found steamy texts when I went to shut off a noisy program.",Stress +27756,Clearly what i need to do is just talk to her about it. I have a couple of examples in mind that will drive the point home. Mainly the first night i was introduced to everyone and a house warming we went to. We're having dinner tomorrow night. Thanks a ton for the feedback everyone.,Normal +27757,I’m just wondering how many of you have A LOT of triggers? I was abused extremely horribly as a teenager and into adulthood and I have horrible ptsd from it. I literally get triggered by everything and anything. Like someone could sneeze and it would sound similar to him and I’d freak. I freak out horribly about everything and the littlest things.,Stress +27758,"It started again, but worse. I'd bring up the conversation we had and he'd ask how dare I call him names. How dare I, he said. So, on September 7th, I decided that I had enough. I cut him out of my life.",Normal +27759,"Also deflects my attempts at flirting. How do I communicate with him the way I want him to romance me if it's against his nature? Is it even possible? Should I just try to change myself? It's been five years and I'm still having this problem, what do I do?",Normal +27760,"My phone is a prepaid phone through Virgin Mobile, but it's the only way I have to communicate with my doctors and lawyer and with my workers comp benefits being cut, I cannot afford the money for the $45 phone card. I've been trying to sell everything of value that we own to pay bills,but I haven't been able to come up with enough foot my cell phone. My phone will be off on March 2nd. And If anyone could help, I'd be forever grateful. Thank you in advance!",Normal +27761,"For anxiety/depression. Feb 16 weekend, we hung out and discussed going out. I just wanted to know what would be different or what her expectations would be differently. She just wanted to know she could introduce me as her bf to friends and people, and to be together. No other changes, really, we were already exclusive.",Normal +27762,- kicked me out of the house and was going to make me leave in the middle of the night multiple times while insulting me and hitting me I'm sorry to even post this here but I need a little support right now. He said this to me two nights ago and came into our guest bedroom where I was sleeping the next day and said sorry Kind of. I tried to talk to him about it and he said he was under a lot of stress and that he doesn't need my love or support and he doesn't want to talk about it. Super sorry for the fucked up formatting but y'all get the idea...,Stress +27763,"You’re swimming smoothly with the current, the temperature isn’t too cold, and the water is calm and clear blue. So why can you only ever see it as being murky? Sometimes, you find yourself swimming higher and higher, until your fingers skim the interface between the water and the air above. You can see the rays of sunlight above piercing through the surface, refracting and scattering as it hits the water. You approach the surface slowly but surely, excited because you feel like you can finally exit into this warm, golden place, and leave the water behind.",Normal +27764,"So I am okay at making short-term acquaintances, but can't seem to make friends beyond professional relationships, polite greetings, small-talk, etc. I'm sure it's because I have no practice at making friends and the history of relationships I have had feel laced with feelings of betrayal - so maybe I'm self-sabotaging a little bit. But gosh, I would like someone to talk to about day to day life, hopes, worries, goals, etc. Also, I have an eleven year old son for whom I would like to model some more healthy platonic relationships. I work in a field that requires little one-on-one contact, rely on walking/public transportation, and have a busy schedule with kids activities, work, community meetings, so those factors make it extra hard.",Normal +27765,"If you have a survey you would like to share with us, you may do so here, please use the following format. Failure to do so will result in your survey being removed. Surveys not posted in here will result in a ban, the length of which will be decided at mods' pleasure. __Who I am__: _(Student, Researcher)_ __Affiliation__: _(university, company)_",Normal +27766,"I have the inner-peace I was seeking for decades! I finally feel like I'm a decent person. I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable, and welcomed, and loved. I have learned to stop my first judgmental thoughts about people, and redirect them. I accept people for who they are, to the extent that a human can.",Normal +27767,"It was a conversation about those things. Over and over. Her name, which normally it isn't a trigger, but since I've been in a fragile state lately, I was just getting dragged down on the inside. I'm so tired. I just wanted to ask them to stop saying it.",Stress +27768,"I'm in my third year at uni and starting my diss now (its due in January), and I'm really struggling with feelings of dread and anxiety. I dread waking up knowing I have to do work, and I compare myself to how much my friends are working. When i see them working I am just filled with dread and guilt. ​ I keep getting to the point now where when I try and do work, I freeze.",Stress +27769,"Do I just need to forget about the ""dumb girlfriend"" incident and stop assuming that he thinks I'm stupid? And how do I do that? Help! tl;dr Because of an unfortunate incident earlier in our relationship I sometimes have a hard time believing that my boyfriend thinks I'm smart. How do we navigate this?",Stress +27770,"I need to know what to do. A psychopathic family member was promised MY house, for some strange fucking reason, for apparently a very long time now. I have an abusive ex, that won’t leave me alone and his parents say escape and live with them, but he most likely will follow me where I go. He told me he would. Should I get a restraining order before I go?",Stress +27771,"And I know it wouldn't completely or even halfway make up for me being an asshole lately, but I want to have some improvement on her life with her being loyal to me despite me not even being able to be there for her as a boyfriend. She's helped me so much. She paid for uber's to job interviews (I only got one callback from a GameStop, they said I'll know if I can go for second interview next week), she paid for laundry one week, she even bought me a pizza once and I have nothing to give back to her. I am near Denver, Colorado. And I am hoping for this to be sent to my GF because she truly deserves something great.",Normal +27772,"My ex sent me a video of a switchblade, I asked him why he had that and he said “cutting people up” and then he said “it’s an Italian style switch blade”.. I’m Italian... Anyways, he’s put a loaded gun to my head in the past. I’m actually pretty terrified of him now. He also once brought explosives to my brothers house and claimed he “forgot they were there”.. none of my family or our friends growing up believed me when I told them about him. Which is why I can’t talk to anyone.",Stress +27773,"I'm curious, does anyone know of any programs that provide temporary housing assistance if you have a job? I'm almost broke right now. I really don't want to live out of my car or the shelter while working. Having a comfortable supportive place until I can get my first couple of paychecks would be amazing. I'm worried that my current living situation will ruin my chances to succeed with this job.",Stress +27774,"I feel sad for you, I feel sad for me. I pray that you will get the help you so desperately need so that nobody else has to endure the terror and horrible horrible physical, sexual, and emotional abuse you have put me through. I am riding myself of all my shame associated with what has happened. I know now, it was all you. I did not do anything wrong to deserve the horrible treatment I received from you.",Stress +27775,"He broke contact with the whole family, only sparingly speaking to his little sister after she followed his example and split. I think he is very ashamed of his past. He *never* talked about anything like this with me. I’m honestly really worried he thinks I would think less of him if I knew, and the idea of that breaks my heart. I didn’t tell him what his sister told me.",Stress +27776,"I'm too unstable. Telling parents is not an option. I'm not going to give the easy redemption for them. All this is still suspicion. I know I'm no professional, but I'm telling you, I'll get help.",Stress +27777,"I have always told her that if there’s anything she wants to know, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, that I’d tell her I the truth and in return that she would do the same. I repeatedly gave warning that I didn’t think it would help and that it was a bad idea. She said she had to know and I told her that I would but she couldn’t turn it into an issue because this all happened before I even knew her. She agreed. I understand people saying that I should’ve given her space when she asked for it, but I am sorry, that is bullshit.",Normal +27778,"Hi everyone, Sorry to ask but today is my Mum’s birthday. This is the first month in ~6 where I haven’t been paid early, so until tomorrow I have no money. The issue is it’s my mum’s birth today, and she always wants a cake, but I am unable to give her one this year. A nice cake from my local supermarket is £10, and I will be paid by work tomorrow so I can repay you soon.",Stress +27779,"This week, we stayed in the same house and I slept with her. We were watching a movie when she went to go to sleep in the next room (she's very tired a lot). About an hour later, I heard her crying uncontrollably and shaking and screaming. It was really hard to see. I held her until she went back to sleep, and then stayed with her.",Normal +27780,"You've all been very kind and incredibly generous, and my mom and I are looking into all of the suggestions and recommendations that were provided below. We're extremely grateful for everything you've done for us. It's wonderful to know there are such caring, considerate, and giving people out there who are willing to help people like us. You've warmed our hearts with your selflessness. Thank you so much!",Normal +27781,"We couldn’t have Thanksgiving because of money struggles in the family. I am here begging and pleading for help to get some food in our cupboards to help hold us over as long as we can. I’m counting down the days until tax season so we can fill up the pantry! We receive about $700 each year from the Wisconsin Homestead Tax Credit which is what we use to catch up on bills, prescriptions, and to stock up on food. It’s extremely heart wrenching when my own mother or grandchildren cannot have a bowl of cereal because there’s no milk and guess what, no cereal.",Stress +27782,"Being in there was hell, I cried most of the first few days. I was very disoriented, couldn't sleep, the windows had metal grates over them. The bathrooms were locked and you had to ask for permission to use the toilets. While I was waiting to use the toilet the nurse came in my room and grabbed the door out of my hands forcefully and I didn't let go (I think its my right to use the bathroom when I need to). She then came back with a bunch of men and they held me down to the bed, pulled down my pants and gave me a shot in the butt of some sedative.",Stress +27783,"I have to be a bit vague to post this as the person responsible knows my username and I don't want to give them the pleasure of knowing what they've done to me. ​ Many years ago I was homeless. I've written extensively about that here and on other sites like Quora. In the 18 years since I came off the streets I've turned my life around, owned and ran 2 businesses and spent my free time helping other homeless people either get off the streets or access services they are entitled to.",Normal +27784,"I have a very hard time with trying to find a job, from most places I don't get any feedbacks, but get immediate rejection when I try to apply to other open positions at the same company. Interestingly there's a lot of propaganda around how there's a shortage on manpower, while at the same time people having difficulty finding jobs. There are notable instances of similar experiences, political opponents' family members getting fired for no reason, etc. My father did a big disservice to the local Fidesz by being a key figure against the prison project (which was going to be built by a company very well known for overpriced projects), my grandfather is a well known tankie (who's so racist he's often accidentally agrees with both Fidesz and Jobbik), not to mention I had a lot of bullies in secondary school who thought I was severely mentally disabled (long story short: I had some speech issues I've since overcome for the most part, but thanks to the Hungarian R-word I got some serious shit, such as being accused with my mother taking up huge benefit money which she spends on shoes and jewelry, which leads them having to pay a lot of taxes on their motorcycles, game consoles, phones, etc) and probably wanted to take their revenge this way (which is ironic, because the hard time I had financially radicalized me from an actual centrist to a radical leftist). My father is seriously thinking on kicking me out to the streets if I won't pay, which makes me to go back to my mother, and my abusive stepfather who cannot accept my autistic quirks, implying if I can go back to them and my stepfather will let it all go through.",Stress +27785,"Grad school isn’t really the easiest place to parent alone. Assistantships don’t pay you enough to live off of by yourself (Mine nets me a little less than $800 a month, rent is $750), let alone with a tiny human that needs a particular type of education. They also require you commit to 20 hours a week of on campus work. Essentially meaning, you can’t really hold a full time job anywhere. On top of this, working another part time becomes difficult because work hours have to coincide with the hours your little one is at school, and with 20 hours a week on campus already, that leaves little time to actually work anywhere else during school hours.",Stress +27786,"We broke up a month ago because the distance made us miserable. We had only been doing long distance for 3-ish months, which is not long at all, but we had been dating before that for roughly 3 years, with a short break in between. I'm taking a gap year so I've been bouncing from place to place & my parents are so protective that they don't let me visit friends at college often (especially not her since they are suspicious of our relationship anyway [homophobia lol]). I did visit her once, but only for a few days and she visited me in return. Anyway, we both couldn't commit to a strict schedule of meeting up because of school, parents, money...",Normal +27787,When I take the time to relax and think of something nice like a waterfall or a forest or something like that I then automatically think of how bad people are going to mess it up and pollute and make it worse and just be awful. It makes it hard for me to relax. I try to think of something tranquil and then thoughts like these pop into my head. Meditation isn't that nice for me. My mind just races.,Stress +27788,"It feels as if no one understands what I’m going through in my life because I took a while to leave and didn’t tell anyone until now. I really didn’t think it was that bad. Now that I’m out of the situation, it still haunts me. I feel guilty and still like it’s all my fault somehow even though it’s irrational and not true. Does anyone else feel like this?",Stress +27789,"So I have a buddy who still lives with his step dad, mom, and brother. Long story short, I just found out through him that his step dad hits him and occasionally his mother. It came out when he was drunk along with other behaviors. When my friend gets drunk he likes to aggravate people until they try to beat him up and until recently I just thought he liked fighting. But he told me it is because his step dad hits him so getting in fights gives him a weird sense of worth.",Normal +27790,"I really like my roommate, and my suitemates are cool besides for them being loud at night. I know I'd sleep better in a different place, but...I don't know. I don't want to put up with the hassle. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I honestly just came here to vent.",Normal +27791,"I walk up to the door, unlock it and open it. It's K. With my boyfriend standing by in sight I ask him what he's doing here. He says nothing but stares at me with this blank stare. Then I get this weird gut feeling and ask ""have you been drinking?"" In which he shakes his head.",Stress +27792,"To help spread the word, I'm also running a competition on social media — prizes: 💸 3 x £50 Amazon vouchers! My instagram is: @thewellnesssocietyorg My twitter is: @thewellnesssoc It's currently #1 on Amazon's self-help and counselling genre top free books list. I'd love to hear your feedback. Please get in touch!",Normal +27793,​ I'm in our room watching some relaxing Youtube videos trying to cheer myself up. My boyfriend wants me to come out and do weekend stuff but the energy is so high out there I think it'll set off an attack. He wants to bad to help but he doesn't know how and I don't know how either. ​,Stress +27794,"I went on a holiday with my best friend [26M] and husband [26M]. My husband and I have been together for ten years (married for six). My best friend and I have known each other for three years, and spend a huge amount of time chatting with each other on the internet. I love him to death, and he makes me insanely happy. My friend lives decently far away, so we don't see each other often.",Normal +27795,"So lets forget all about my biological father. My father once told me : ""Money do not fall from tree's"", but, boy oh boy, was I ever going to show him wrong. It all started with the fact that one day I got out of bed, and had the weird idea that I was going to die at 21 yrs old. I was listening to The Doors at that point, and Black Sabbath and everything in between those two. And while listening to The Doors, it opened the the doors of perception to me.",Normal +27796,"She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in Nov 2017. Her partner is 26 yrs old and has had many bouts with the law. When he met my friend, he was on house arrest/probation for a previous charge. They worked together and soon began dating. My friend is a Filipino woman and her partner is a Jamaican man.",Normal +27797,Could we all at least help out by chipping in at least a dollar for this van? Could we please give this family a break by helping and donating for this van!? These boys and her need it so much!! It would be worth every penny to be able to go on more play dates with her two boys and make their little live’s more adventurous. It would open up a door to giving them easier and more convenience access to fun spontaneous trips to go play and have fun.,Normal +27798,"I think this is a good conversation to have in person, but I likely won't see him for months. Would it be tacky/wildly unromantic to do this over text/email? Additionally, I don't want to ruin things between us or make things weird, and I'm not sure how to broach the subject. How do I not screw this up? ---",Stress +27799,"Meet with her today and express this is a concern for me. She says she doesn't see what the big deal is, people make mistakes and forget things. I agree and tell her they often forget what they don't care about. She doesn't agree, we talk about it. She feels I am being very black and white in my thinking.",Normal +27800,"So I knocked and told her to please let me in. She refused, I told her I was sorry and I didn’t mean any of the things I said and that I love her very much. She said to go away so I did (we were at her house). Now a whole day passed and she still refuses to talk to me :( I’m worried, guilty and just want to hug her and tell her again that I’m sorry. I sent her some messages but she ignored them.",Stress +27801,"He has even made a comment to my bf about me being overweight. Being overweight has basically taken over my relationship, my mind, and my life. This year, I am making it a priority to lose the weight, especially since I have nothing else occupying my mind like cancer. My confidence level right now is 0 and I feel so fucking ugly and fat. If I just got in shape, I know that I would be close to a 10.",Stress +27802,"I generally like to finish the stuff I do that I consider to be work related but some things like video games, series or anything like that I don’t want to end. I am scared of finishing them since I know going back to it won’t be the same. After I finish them everything about it just feels so empty, like it has no value anymore. Knowing I can never experience it the same way again makes me not want it to end. I go from loving it and then afterwards never wanting anything to do with it anymore.",Normal +27803,I’m noticing a pattern where my body is like rejecting my partner and I’m concerned it might be caused by my abuse at an early age. Should I seek counseling? But I’m afraid if I do I’m going to have to talk more about what happened and I’m going to break. I’ve talked to therapist before but whenever the topic of the abuse arises I tense up and can’t remember anything. I’m sorry if I’m rambling on it’s just a hard subject for me to talk about and I don’t know how to put into words the emotions I feel towards these events.,Stress +27804,"For example, she once tried to stab her mum's boyfriend because she didn't want her mum to be with anyone - they were in their mid 60s. She has been in a lot of fights over the years, but in general isn't usually physically violent - it's usually manipulation. I'm concerned because she found out last night that he is seeing this ex gf of his. He doesn't know how she found out - he's kept it very, very private. She came back to the house they used to share (he was there with their kids in bed while she had been out) and lost it with him.",Stress +27805,"This is the first time that i'm opening up about this, so please be kind. I'm from India - stereotypically known as the land of doctors and engineers. And while that's just a stereotype, my studies give me anxiety. I had my first attack two years ago - and I have been talking to people since then - but my recent graduation exams have left me worse then ever. What i want to know is, when was your first attack and how are you doing now?",Stress +27806,The place where I was going for therapy decided that they couldn't appropriately treat me. I've had a tough time finding another therapist. The strange thing is I've been feeling better out of therapy then when I was in it. I was doing a type of exposure therapy and it was rough. I went twice a week and it felt like my whole life revolved around trauma.,Normal +27807,"First off, I want to apologize for posting here so often. I don't have anywhere else to turn to. I recently contacted my abuser. I don't know why, I think it's part of my self destructive behavior. And I've realized something.",Stress +27808,"So I'm feeling a bit lost with this. I've had asthma ever since I was a little kid and it has been flaring up really bad over the last few weeks... I think. Actually I'm not sure if that's what it really is. I recently got a prescription for trazodone (about six weeks ago), and it has helped with having fewer nightmares.",Normal +27809,"The thought of helping people, curing diseases and caring for someone makes me happy. Imagine a person who’s an asshole but need help on health, I would help him/her. However, I need to finance med but I need to work on my current stature to get the money but this job makes me anxious to the point that I am having refluxes because of stress just the thought of working on it. The problem with me is I know I can do for the meantime this job but it was a mistaken path, I could have done dev since it involves little customer interaction. I felt helpless because I need the money but feels like I am fooling myself to work my ass up for something that is not my passion.",Stress +27810,"My ex thought that show was terrific inspiration. He used it to discuss “what if”s with his guy friends, who I hope had no idea how real he is about that shit. I called it “The Rape Along/Beat Along Show” for the longest time. I still do when Gramma isn’t listening. Last time I unexpectedly came across the DVD set (Grampy accidentally left it at my place on the kitchen table, and, yes, he’d been told not to leave it where I might see it)...",Normal +27811,"I don’t post very often and I’m on mobile so apologies for formatting errors etc I’ll try to make this easy to read! Background: I’ve been struggling with alcohol abuse and I’m currently 4 months sober (yay!). The first month without alcohol my withdrawals were intense. I became so angry, my anxiety was off the charts and I couldn’t focus on anything at hand. At the time I was taking 20mg of paroxetine and my GP doubled it to 40mg for 6 months while my body tried to cope without alcohol.",Normal +27812,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +27813,"No criminal record, he’s not on any list, he changed his name and moved to a new town and no one there knows what he did and he’s been messaging her. I feel so hopeless. How am I supposed to feel safe? Or be able to sleep? He’s out there, consequence free, feeling safe enough to message her.",Stress +27814,"Most diagnoses, except those relating to the endangerment of children, are welcome. This is a first person group, so you need to be the person with a disorder to participate. To join visit our site or check out our Instagram: We believe we are stronger together, which is why peer support is so helpful and important. Care when you need it; care for others when you can. If you are under 18, you can find a link to our 13\+ server on the website and instagram.",Normal +27815,"Hi, I'm 14F and because of health issues I missed a lot of school and eventually started homeschooling this year I didn't have any friends at public schools and I just sit in the house all day now. I can't join a sports team because of formerly mentioned health issues and I live in a town where a car is a necessity so it's not like I can walk anywhere but I'd like to make friends or just get out of my house for the first time in months and socialize face to face any ideas as to what I can do. TL;DR: I'm homeschooled lonely and can't join a sports team how do I make friends.",Stress +27816,So I have ptsd from an abusive relationship I ended about 3 years ago. When I felt healthy enough I went to therapy and did emdr and it helped and I thought i was doing well. I even moved to a different state so I could quit triggering my flashbacks a year and a half ago and haven't had a single flashback until last night. I have started dating a guy I'm pretty smitten about and last night we went out with friends and had a really good time but we also had been drinking. Something triggered me and i had a flashback and was not able to control my emotions because I had been drinking it was like I went from laughing having a good time to having a panic attack and asked him if we could leave and we did.,Stress +27817,After the 6 months we moved to a really big house the next town over. It was 3 times the size of the one that burned down. My mom got fired though from nursing because she was caught stealing drugs. My dad graduated college and had a good job in IT and a newspaper place. I don't understand how they could afford such a big house.,Normal +27818,And it’s okay to fall down and have a bad day- as long as you pick yourself up and continue working toward moving forward. Moving forward does NOT mean forgiving and forgetting or condoning any behaviors. Moving forward is about YOU and beginning to live the life YOU deserve. You are beautiful. You are smart.,Normal +27819,"The gist of the comments received was the K isn't going to change and I should get B to go to counselling to help her with her self-esteem and give her some outside input. Of course, now K is having an online ""role playing relationship"" with some lady on Grand Theft Auto RP. B is helping him court her. She is presenting it as she is okay with this. Listen, I've known B since high school, I've known her longer then my brother.",Normal +27820,"throwaway... sorry if this all sounds very messy. I have a history of child sexual abuse, rape in a past relationship and problems with dissociation. So I was feeling like a robot that day again, due to stress. I then went to my boyfriend. I told him I am dealing with that again, he knows about my problems.",Stress +27821,"In prison, I was housed with two other person, we already had planned to take over the leadership of the gang that had control of our wing. We were making weapon, I got into a fight with one of the guy. I knew I was getting out soon, but I couldn't tell people, so I acted as if I was there until my court date. I was the guy who kept watch for the guard while my cellmate created a weapon out of his bed sheet ( strangulation ). I had won protection from them by giving them drugs.",Normal +27822,"two months off of work in my favorite city with limitless money and i am more infuriated than ever. all its done is remove my dissociation and now i have inexplicable rage. i just fucking hate everything. i hate this site, even, and made an ultimatum never to come back. but i have no fucking idea what even to do.",Stress +27823,"And whose fault is that, then? My question to you; is it the tree’s fault that it never bothered to put in the effort to correct itself, or the hypothetical forest’s? Is it anyone’s fault at all? Could the tree ever be quite corrected, or was it destined to live out its life, becoming more and more crooked with each fucking day? I’m done.",Normal +27824,"But now, my cognitive processes feel so scrambled up and sluggish. I get so confused sometimes I have trouble filling out simple forms or answering questions on the phone. I'm in my 3rd year at a major university but my brain feels so messed up I don't know if I'll be able to finish. Does anyone else experience this? Have you found anything that helps?",Stress +27825,"Anyway, he bullshited that her insurance wasn't covered by anyone in this state, and that it was illegal for him to refuse her her shift. My SO had already talked to his HR head. They had previously decided that there wasn't much they could do unless she came up to him. Then tonight happened, the head of HR is severely worried for her safety (and my SOs) in a way he wasn't before. The head has called the Domestic Violence Hotline himself, and is looking for resources to help him solve this very delicate/tricky issue.",Normal +27826,"Should I just go ahead and get help? Am I worried about nothing? Is there a way to lose the worst bits of anxiety while keeping the bits that are perhaps somewhat helpful? Or have I got this all wrong and it's not anxiety (but perhaps something else) that makes me productive, etc? Or should I just accept all the awesome things in my life as a totally worthwhile price for feeling worried?",Stress +27827,"I had suicidal thoughts while working at the island. I had to cut it short and come back home. I was too sad to continue. Eddy and I reunited, and I assumed we were back together since it seemed so. When he got drunk he would literally switch back and forth to being happy and giggly to wanting to die and hating himself.",Stress +27828,Can anyone relate to this feeling? I can’t enjoy myself at things like concerts anymore. I’m not fully present because I have to try so hard to curb feelings of anxiety and hyper-vigilance. When anyone gets too close to me or accidentally touches me I freak out. Tonight I went to a concert and I was so self-conscious and distracted by the fear that I was going to be assaulted that it was difficult to focus on the actual show.,Stress +27829,"Haven't felt this excited about someone since my ex from over five months ago. This guy, J, and I met on Bumble. I haven't even met him yet, but we have spent hours chatting on the phone and laughing. It all feels really effortless. I've dated a lot since the break up and no one has clicked with me like he has.",Normal +27830,put the world on my middle finger and tell it to sit and spin????? ? /\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\ p.s. if you have a family that loves you please treat them right -- because there's people like me out there who would give anything to have what you have -- don't take it for granted,Normal +27831,"They actually skyped on New Years (mostly for the sake of his Grandmother (his father’s mother) who he has a positive relationship with but somehow they are friends??) Anyways--- **MY MOTHER:** My mother, is a self-proclaimed ""Jewish mother"". She subscribes to all the stereotypes and upholds them, and is disgustingly proud of it.",Normal +27832,"I am employed full time. I have money, but I am trying to put all my money (minus transit pass, medication, and toiletries) towards an accelerated debt re-payment plan and get debt free by spring so I can get a lease. I need affordable options. What are some healthy things I can eat that are cost effective when you don't have access to a fridge? I have a small locker at work.",Normal +27833,A few years ago I witnessed an accident at this time of year and I am beginning to remember it again. At night I hear the sound and burst into tears and calm down until I hear it again and start crying. I didn’t know the person involved but I was one of the closest to it when it happened but I’m beginning to sort of enjoy the release from crying and fantasize about telling people about it. I feel guilty for this indulgence and feel like maybe I am just looking for attention. I have always had bad anxiety and mild depression so is it just that?,Stress +27834,"i realized i was already 20k in student loan debt and i was not going to waste all that debt on a school that is considered ""lame"". some of the best friends i have ever had were at the school, but i traded them for a lifestyle of drugs, sex and redundancy. This new school was considered a party school, one of the best in the country. Due to my good academic standing at my last university i was able to transfer here. but upon first getting their i had already become homesick and depressed.",Stress +27835,"Also, if you know of cheaper/better items I could add, please let me know. It was like a minefield trying to find non-prime pantry items. **I would also happily accept a gift card for a grocery store/restaurant or something, another way to assist where you know for sure it's going towards food. ** *Full disclosure, I have not been active on this account in 3 months purely because I have been using primarily for at least 8 months.",Normal +27836,"Over the last 18 months we have become closer than ever and as best friends living separately have grown our life together. 8 years ago we were panhandling for gas money to get to work, and now we are for successful business owners. We have spoiled my daughter rotten. Designer clothes, designer makeup, way too much freedom, gym membership, and anything else a 14 year old girl could ever want. I think a lot of that comes from the fact that we were not able to provide her with anything for so long.",Normal +27837,"I basically said the same back, because it's true. The following days and weeks we kept hanging out occasionally and stayed in touch when she wasnt at BF in other city. Than randomly, out of nowhere, no response... Few days , weeks, and now about 2 months. I called texted for about the first 2 weeks to see what was going on. Than just stopped trying.",Normal +27838,iIfelt forced to quit that job because being homeless in oakland sucks alot. Advice: dont be too proud to accept help from people who care. Lots of folks have been through tough shit and can understand. 2. Leave when you get homeless.,Normal +27839,"Especially the power of healing brought upon by service animals. I too, have a service dog named Luna. This wonderful man was nice enough to bring the book back in while I was off yesterday with a note with his name and number telling me to call him when I finish the book. This just made my day, it really did. There’s so much negativity in the world today and it seems not many people will stop to do something nice for someone, or help them by doing a random act of kindness.",Normal +27840,"My bond about was about 100 less than my whole savings. First place I went after getting out of jail was my work, my boss told me if I had got out 2 days earlier I would still have my job. I'm about to do something stupid out of frustration and anger. I was so close to getting off the streets. Fuckkk",Stress +27841,"This is an idea that my father also reinforced in me heavily. I remember vividly when I told him that everything was my fault (in my child mind obviously meaning ""you make everything my fault"" which was very much the state of things in the house growing up) and he straight up told me to stop fucking up so much if I didn't want things to be my fault (I should emphasize all ""fuck ups"" were minor- letting a pack of strawberries go to waste, forgetting to call him as soon as I left school, etc- but punished severely). Hell, even if I'm in the *wrong* now I feel like I'm still a victim. I can't gauge conflict to save the life of me- even if I'm being an absolute ass, I'll feel like I'm the one who's being persecuted. My last relationship was a while ago, and lasted about a year.",Stress +27842,"I love her too, but I am super paranoid about the whole deal. Current situation: We both confessed that we love each other, but I won’t be going back to my home country for another 6 months. Because of my past toxic relationship I fear things will change between us, we’ll get into fights/have trust issues etc. Problem: Should I get into a LDR with her, or we should continue being best friends( which would be hard because she has already very clearly confessed she loves me) problems are: 1.",Stress +27843,"Sorry, this will probably be a little long. So, I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year early last month, and it's been... rough. Half the time, I don't even know why we broke up. When people ask me about it, I get so confused as to what to say, because I feel like even *I* don't know. I thought our breakup was mutual.",Normal +27844,"It didn't go exactly how it should have done though, and the female had to go to theatre and lost 3 pints of blood. My aim is to get my story published, and once it is selling, the money I need to initially get the book into print would be donated to research into TTTS. Over and above the £2500 donation, a percentage of all further sales would be donated to this important research. If you can please take the time to click the link below, and share what I am trying to do, I would be very appreciative. ",Normal +27845,"I’m 20, and I feel like I missing out on the “real adult life”. I live with my parents I can’t decide what to eat, I can’t have my alone time without being anxious. I got no friends and no real job where I earn enough money to live on my own. I also don’t feel adult’y enough to take 100% care of myself. I getting panic attacks now today that I’m missing out on life, mostly it’s NSFW things that triggering this.",Stress +27846,"She told me she was excited, I was just more enthusiastic about it. I let it go, and we went out with friends for new years. I still felt this distance. New years morning we woke up, I rolled over and told her that I wanted 2018 to be the year we really focus on us, that I was excited to keep working on getting us to a good place. She didn't seem to care.",Normal +27847,"I know there are are people who have absolutely nothing. I have clothes on my back and a roof over my head, but I’m still worried because I don’t have gas money to get to work or buy groceries. It’s just a very helpless feeling. Thanks again to anyone who is reading this. I appreciate you.",Stress +27848,"The list I will probably choose from right now is Santa Monica, Orange, Costa Mesa, Santa Ana, or Long Beach. I've lived in the city for a bit before and I like the more inner-city of LA but I think I need a change so I'm looking for a more coastal area to find a minimum wage job, settle in, and potentially seek housing in eventually. Don't have much interest in SD, nor in going up north to San Fran. Hoping to get some input from you guys and it is very much appreciated.",Normal +27849,"I had bought our son a special outfit themed from the movies just for this occassion. Neither of us got much sleep that night, and when I tried to talk to him in the morning about leaving, he got really agitated and raised his voice to me. Our daughter ran into her room and I found her hiding under her covers. After again trying to talk to him, he ended up refusing to go, I'm still not sure why. He then ignored me for days again, we again briefly made up for my son's birthday, and started fighting again not long after.",Stress +27850,I need to make a decision now. My whole course of life is depending on the wisdom of redditors. share with me your thoughts so that i may add to my own. please help. Thanks for your time.,Stress +27851,"So I've basically got a plan: hoard all my drugs until Tuesday, OD that night with a combo of slit wrists and maybe even hanging. I want it to be damn efficient, because this is trial number 13. These are the thoughts I've been having lately. My last attempt was at a hospital, just a few days ago, but I lied and told them it was my anxiety that led me to self-harm. They discharged me.",Stress +27852,I never thought I’d be in a situation like that in my life and the screaming and blood and chaos following it is just on a constant repeat in my head that won’t stop. I had to give 4 separate statements to the police which burned it from start to finish in my brain and it doesn’t stop. I don’t know if that’s just because it was less than 24 hours ago and I’m still just in shock? It’s just a lot to take in right now and I’m not sure what to do. I apologize for any formatting issues because I’m on mobile/ sounding incoherent I’m just kind of numb after all this and unsure what to do.,Stress +27853,"(I see a therapist weekly.) I really don't want to give up on this, but i don't know how to feel better. Any help is appreciated. --- tl;dr i have relationship doubts and anxiety/depression and I want to love my boyfriend but i'm not sure if I do.",Stress +27854,So here’s he thing. I do have feelings for him. They just aren’t the intensity level I’m used to feeling when I fall for some one. I normally have this sense of urgency. Its this “Crazy about you/can’t live with out you” type feeling.,Normal +27855,"Ugh. I just need to tell people who I know will understand what happened. If you can relate, offer support, anything... that would be appreciated. I've been dealing with this disease for years now, and I just had the worst flashback I've ever had. My boyfriend had a long day and was going to sleep before me.",Stress +27856,"I refuse to hurt them like that. But I won’t give up, either. Literally all I want is to have them back half the time, so I can go to the beach with them, and to be licked to death, and not have enough room in my bed. I don't dream of cars, or millions of dollars, or girls. I dream of seeing them again.",Normal +27857,"I used to take sleeping pills that had a bit of anti anxiety medicine in them but my pcp drug tested me and because I had been found to have been smoking weed , ( for my ptsd ), it was either stop coming their for the sleeping pills or weed. I chose weed mostly because I was pissed they drug tested me for one but also weed seems to do the best for me. Now im regretting that decision. I guess I need a new pcp huh? Anyway its a reddit until I dont feel like a deer in headlights kind of night so whoopee.",Stress +27858,Every time I tell him to leave he threatens to harm my pets or take them and release them to the wild (I have ferrets.... they CANNOT survive in the wild where I live) or he goes into rants about how useless I am and how I couldn't survive without him and somehow he worms his way back in for fear he might be right. TLDR; need him out. He threatens animals. **REALLY** don't wanna involve police. What do I do?,Stress +27859,"My mom has always been a pushover and is known to give him money with no questions asked. Last night, my brother sent a group message to me and my sisters telling us to not tell our parents anything he is saying and that he loves us very much. He says he started selling drugs recently to make more money and some of his supply was stolen and now he's afraid his ""friend""/dealer will come after him. I offered to let him spend the night at my house if he felt unsafe, but he declined my offer and said that he'll take care of it. I tried to reassure myself that no dealer will kill someone over a missing gram of pot (he was advertising on snapchat) and I went to bed hoping that he would just get roughed up if anything.",Stress +27860,"I had to do some other repairs (thanks potholes!) that put me even further behind on payments. I can do the brakes myself to save money. I have a friend with jacks and tools. I just really need help getting the brakes, I'm actually getting worried about them now, starting to get spongy.",Stress +27861,"Kinda. But now it’s just weird. He buys us matching clothes, tries to get us to do the same shit, constantly insists that we’re so similar, etc. They try to hold my hands when we go out, and when I told my dad I needed her to stop being so touchy with me, he guilt tripped the fuck out of me. I’m 19 in a few days, I need to get out of here, but I feel so fucking guilty.",Stress +27862,Im positive the 2 panic attacks and the following brain fog is anxiety based because like i said I've had mild anxiety in the past and i don't think i have any other issues. Anyways i was wondering if its normal to feel spaced out and a little slow/ tired a few days panic attacks. I haven't touched weed since but i still feel spaced out. Any insight would be appreciated. I also noticed when i don't focus on my worry i feel a little better,Stress +27863,"Hey Reddit PTSD - I am an independent documentary filmmaker working on a series of shorts in Amsterdam about emotional memory disorders, including PTSD. I heard about your subreddit from my brother. It's really cool that you've built a community of support here. I'm posting here because I'm looking for people in and around Amsterdam - or people who might want an excuse to visit Amsterdam! - who have PTSD, and would be willing to participate in this documentary project.",Normal +27864,"I have a cat and a dog. Without going too much into my personal circumstances, I am being forced to leave my residence very soon. I have no family or friends able to take me or my animals in. I think I may be able to leave my dog where he is currently for a few months. My cat is a 9 year old spayed female.",Normal +27865,"First time posting here so I apologize if I am breaking any rules. I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for about 10 years now. At my lowest points, I was taking 200 mg a day but I have been stable on 150 mg a day for a while now. I would like to one day be off of it completely, but I know that will take a lot of time and work. My question is, can anyone tell me their experiences with withdrawal symptoms?",Normal +27866,"It makes me so disappointed in myself because I hate what I've become and I hate feeling so helpless. I'm to the point where I'm afraid, not knowing why. Most days I end up crying at work. I have no friendship or relationship with those I work with and cannot feel comfortable around them. There's even an awkwardness with my manager who only talks to me to criticise and complain, and just before my holiday she gave me an informal warning.",Stress +27867,"Can you contribute your story alongside others who have been/ are going through recovery? I am developing a storytelling and mental health platform with the ultimate aim of curating a museum exhibition. Soul relics Museum is a platform for people to read and tell stories of mental health through objects that help them connect or express to a present or past experience they have had with their mental health. It’s a unique and creative idea to help people come forward and share with others what mental health problems have been like for them and a safe and constructive way to read of others experiences while being brave enough to share your own. Together, we can create a collective voice in raising awareness and education on mental health!",Normal +27868,"Idk Do I tell someone? Do I just quit? Do I talk to her about what she did? Please, any advice would be really really helpful to me!",Stress +27869,"I know that I can't be unemployed forever but I'm just too anxious to really do anything. And everyone in my family keeps asking what my plan is and I keep lying because saying I've got nothing is just too humiliating. I'm just stuck. Have any of you gone through something similar, and have any advice? I appreciate it.",Stress +27870,"In some ways, I can handle it more than the average person who hasn't gone though such a trauma. Sometimes it's hard to remember that, though, when you're breaking down over some otherwise harmless feedback. I'm tired of people misunderstanding. I'm tired of feeling weak and broken. I'm just tired.",Stress +27871,"Now that I'm approaching middle age, I want to tell myself that they're just busy and don't have time to reply. But how long does it take to write a short email or make a brief phone call? Something specific *must* have happened to get them all to turn it off at once. For the life of me, I can't think of what it might have been. And that's what bothers me.",Stress +27872,"Not because I didn’t have evidence, but because none of the evidence was permissible in court. My last order of protection was denied. I’m a survivor of childhood incest. It just seems like no one cares or wants to care about the psychological repercussions any of this abuse has on people. And I’m the one to blame for not being a perfectly normal person.",Stress +27873,"already a few months in. Any advice on if/how this can improve or if I should just cut my loses before I get too invested? Thanks everyone! TL;DR boyfriend currently has no motivation to move his life or our relationship forward, should I stick around and keep trying or accept incompatibilities? Am I asking for too much?",Stress +27874,"And everyone was passive aggressive. The manager tried to peg down my salary multiple times like a fucking haggler at a market. Anyway, I decided to go get some antidepressants and the bottle fell out of my pocket, a coworker noticed and reported it to my boss. Who smiled and asked if there was anything I'd like to tell her. The passive aggressive shit really got to me, and then I realized that I was being illegally paid.",Normal +27875,"The following week, my mom let me use her car to drive my brother to another city for an appointment. The car is going to be mine when she buys herself a new one, so I was really excited about driving it around more often. Everything was fine until I got to the actual city and then a woman drove through a red light and hit my mom's car. I held myself together because my younger brother was with me and he has his own depression to deal with, he didn't need to see his sister break down. The car was still driveable, so I dropped him off and his appointment and then had my meltdown in the drivers seat while explaining everything to my mom.",Stress +27876,"I refuse to carry both of us anymore and I'm also tired of the drama between us as well. So, part of me hopes he doesn't pay the rent and that'll give me my push to really move on. Anyway, I'm ok with going to a shelter, but I worry about my laptop. I remember when I was living in a shelter when I was a kid, they didn't allow you to have certain items. I don't want to part with my laptop for them to keep it safe and it gets ""lost"".",Normal +27877,"Kyle got out and started contacting me again, writing letters to “prove he still knew where I lived”, and “being able to get in touch with me regardless of me blocking him”. I have some friends in the police force near me, who I informed of the situation. About the same time I started talking to them, Kyle was put in jail for separate reasons. Since these two events, he has stopped contacting me (thank Christ.) James knows about Kyle, but I haven’t told James about the most recent developments because he has had a lot going on (a death in the family, health issues, among others).",Stress +27878,"I feel like I let my colleagues down and I was scared that I would be reprimanded, thankfully the owners were understanding. I have never had an optimistic outlook on travelling. I've never travelled further than a province or two and it makes me so nervous and anxious just thinking about it. My first instinct is to say thank you for the offer, but my answer is no. One of the owners came to talk to me and explained how great of a worker I am and how appreciated I am around the office.",Normal +27879,Any help would mean the world to me.. not sure how else to pull this off. Edited to fix wish list link- I’ve never had to this before and apparently I suck at it. **wishlist link removed. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your assistance. I will be paying it forward as soon as humanly possible.,Normal +27880,"First, thanks to everyone that submitted a request. There were a lot of great requests and I wish that I could fulfill them all. If you didn't win this time please keep visiting /r/assistance as I'm sure we'll be be back with more laptops to giveaway in the near future! Winners announced below are subject to verification of their details as outlined in the original post. If you have not replied to the IM you received from me within 24 hours you will be disqualified and another person in need will be selected.",Normal +27881,"(felt kinda awkward, but they know i dont want her any harm, but have to protect myself now) I still feel like crap for ending it right before her surgery. When she got angry she also insults me for that, that she can never forgive me that ive done this at this time. 2 minutes later she apoligizes for saying that. Shes really struggeling.",Normal +27882,"I have trouble connecting to it on a personal level, but isn't that healthy separation of past/present? I think my present anxieties/self image issues stem from traumatic experiences, but I can talk about these things fairly openly in a way that feels rehearsed. I had a panic attack where I felt terrified and unable to move at my psych's this past Tuesday, but that's not typical for me, at least not anymore? I realized most my recent ""panic attacks"" may be ""breakdowns"" because it's not accompanied by a sense of fear, but pent up emotions I haven't been able to release resulting in a sudden loss of control... I start hyperventilating, screaming, and unleash all this pent up fury to the point where I feel detached from my emotions/self and have no control, start throwing things or hurting myself, until I'm exhausted and suddenly shut down/dissociate.",Stress +27883,"I wanted to go to this art school in an expensive city only because this place is wayyyyyyy cheaper then most art schools and it has all the majors I'm interested in, which I could use for like storyboards for movies and what not. They have really nice dorms and if I could just get the funding for school I could do that, but I have really bad mental illness and I need my cat, he checks to make sure I'm breathing at night and comforts me during panic attacks. Which means I'd need an apartment, and a job. I'm not against working my ass off, I'm just getting down right now, no responses to applications can do that. I'm in a state that doesn't even have a real art school.",Stress +27884,"For the last week, my car has been acting up. Yes, it's 16 years old but the only other person to have the car before I did was my 85 year old grandmother who only drove it to either the grocery store or the thrift store, so I got it almost brand new. But lately everything g has been going wrong. The gas gage doesn't work, the dash lights don't work, my tires need to be filled at least once every day, the brakes go out often, my battery won't start if it gets too cold, and now the transmission is starting to have issues. Without a job, I don't have money to pay to fix everything.",Stress +27885,"It was no longer just about the life and love we were building together. It was no longer about us, it was about me and trying to fill this hole within myself. If she would just want me, make me feel wanted, I could baptize myself in it and finally let go of all this guilt and self-hatred. This male shame. It’s complicated.",Stress +27886,"I sometimes call it ""fight mode"". Extensive martial arts background has turned negative adrenalized states from inward, depressive vulnerability to external, physical reactivity. I describe it as feeling like I'm in a fight (physiologically) though I am sitting still or trying to sleep. Loss of fine motor skills, hypervigilance, scanning all surroundings and people as if they are about to hit me and I have to hit back. I could be stretching, but I feel like this ""fight"" response as opposed to my old ""flight"" or ""freeze"" response has effected even the emotional aspects of my attacks.",Normal +27887,"She wrapped her arms around me and cried for dear life I growled at him to stop at once for he had scared her..he tried to take her from me as he continued to yell and she would not let him touch her That was the final straw. And he saw it in my eyes. He turned into the fake man I fell in love with again, but I was done",Normal +27888,When it is his weekend off). He grumbles and yells only on his 'nervous' days. Maybe once a week. Sometimes three days in a row. Sometimes it is two weeks of not yelling.,Stress +27889,I've been crying myself to sleep ever since I came back. I'm scared something terrible will happen to them and I can't stop feeling guilty about cutting contact with them for the past several months. My mind keeps replaying awful scenarios over and over again. I can't stop thinking about these terrible thoughts. :(,Stress +27890,"Before I knew at least I stood out from the girls he followed, now I kinda feel like a shitty clone or something. I dont know. I dont have a type or follow eyecandy so I dont really understand. Help me make sense of it? Tl;dr: my bf changed his preference in women and now I feel like a shitty clone",Stress +27891,"Is this what a guy who loves you deserves? Is this my punishment for life? Doesn’t some part of you feel something for me? I see you and Jane are out tonight so as I sit here alone and dying inside knowing that the most important thing in my life is leaving me and I’ll never even see you again, doesn’t something inside you feel just a morsel of empathy and reciprocal love back for me and to me and want to give me some chance? Why do I have to be destroyed for this?",Stress +27892,"And I found as I got older, I always turned to women for support. My first marriage didn't work out, but I tried. And my second has been beautiful, we've been together for nearly 18 years, married for 16. We still have a lot of fun and while she doesn't understand what we went through first hand, she's perfectly supported me and we've built a good life together. My mum never had another relationship.",Normal +27893,"For me, that doesn't HELP AT ALL. It just makes me feel like I'm just pissing him off, and my problem has suddenly become his, minimizing my emotions about it? (I hope that makes sense). He always says I need to be protected, but he doesn't understand that it's not an imminent threat in my life anymore, but a constant struggle and disability; that my brain works and processes things differently now and always will. I just feel so very alone when I talk to him.",Stress +27894,"I've been skipping my classes and haven't gone out with any of my friends because I'm afraid I'm going to get sick when I go out. I'm supposed to go visit my boyfriend at his school tomorrow (I'm on spring break and he's not) and I'm already worrying about if I'm going to get sick and if I even want to go incase I start to feel nauseous and get a bad stomach ache while I'm there.... I'm wondering if anyone else deals with a lot of nausea from their anxiety and what they do to cope with it? I'm terrified of throwing up and so this is like the worst symptom I could ever have.... plus I always have this weird feeling in my chest/throat like something is coming up or is stuck and am belching a lot, like tiny burps. I feel like I'm crumbling and am starting to really slow down... My anxiety/depression has never gotten this bad before and I've just been a sad shell in my bed, can't even find the energy to turn on my TV and pay attention to anything.",Stress +27895,">This put an end to his trips outside. He has now become a house cat, staying inside. Cats transfer FIV though deep bites from other cats with it, which means at least one of his siblings also has it. Ernie being FIV means that his body is not capable of fighting off diseases. He cannot go outside because if he gets sick his body will not be able to heal, so we keep him inside.",Normal +27896,"i never really knew people gave a shit about me, and it really meant a lot to me; it still does. but if so many people are here for me, and things are going to be okay, why am i still afraid of them? why do i still have a pit in my stomach and why are these thoughts still clawing at the sides of my skull? why am i crying right now? i don't understand it, i don't understand my own brain and i feel like an ungrateful prick for still being shaken up so badly.",Stress +27897,"Has anyone else who's dealt with anxiety their entire lives become very controlling in their relationships as a way to cope? Speaking to my therapist I'm realizing that my method of coping with the intense anxiety I've faced in life was to become so organized that I thought I could control everything. But when situations arise, especially with those I'm in a relationship with where I can't control the situation, my anxiety goes out of control so I end up lashing out in negative ways. If you have found you were controlling and were able to better yourself can you please direct me on where to turn to do the same?",Stress +27898,"No, not really. I thanked my boyfriend, and then immediately blurted out ""how am I going to explain this to my mother?"" Like I said, he's understanding, but I could see him kinda wince as he probably realized that the gifts brought me more anxiety than happiness. **I spent the next half hour desperately thinking up backstories I could use to explain to my mother why I had a brand new hat. **",Stress +27899,"She also said that we may not be sexually compatible, and that its unfair on me if I stay with her and put up with it. I obviously told her I don't want to break up and she doesn't either. I offered her time alone and she was so unsure in herself that she didn't even know if she wanted to take me up on the offer. I said that I think we should wait until your appointment in March to freeze your ectropion, to see if that improves your libido. We ended up crying and cuddling each other.",Normal +27900," -student- loans and I’m living a miserable life but I’m working as much as I can without feeling 100% dead inside but I have to pay them up in a week or they default and I don’t know what to do. I would seriously do anything for anyone for the money to help me keep my head above water. I’m completely miserable and I’m trying but I’ve been even more depressed than normal and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a heart attack is on my horizon. I spend the bare minimum, I starve or drink an 85 cent soda for 3-4 days out of the week.",Stress +27901,"We had a lot in common and I really liked her. Then I went back to my country for Christmas holidays and I got to see her. It was really amazing and honestly it was way better than we expected. Anyway, she has good grades and she's going to apply to the US (probably the same university as mine or same city). But the problem is she will be there in fall 2019.",Normal +27902,"I really suck at explaining things so if you have any questions please ask. UPDATE: I gave my casual partner a vague warning about the future and how, if the time comes, I'll need to make the decision for myself. tl;dr I am stuck in a love triangle with a casual DDLG relationship on one side and sharing of mutual feelings on the other. Multiple things keep the DDLG from relationship from being public and I hate sneaking around. I want to have an open relationship with the other girl.",Stress +27903,"I'm 35,husband 37 I always thought it would be ideal to have two kids.. My husband was on board with the idea hypothetically but now that it's actually the time to execute he is totally opposed to the idea His reasons are 1) He feels we can't afford it...He earns pretty well but I don't at the time. So we won't be able to actually build up a major college fund for her---- I feel that she can always take a loan later but she really can't loan a sibling.",Normal +27904,"Does anyone else feel the same way? I am just too numb and burned out. I can love people but I can't fall in love with them. I can't give them what they need, the regular sex or the emotional intimacy, and I just end up feeling guilty. I can get along with them just fine, I can respect them and consider their feelings, but that's not enough.",Normal +27905,"I've been reading through this sub today and thought I'd offer some help. -if you're from a different country, skip to the bottom for info on how to give me a hand to help others I consider my story an interesting one but I'll keep the story short. Most supermarkets in the UK offer a price match scheme. The commonly used one now is Asda's 'Price guarantee'.",Normal +27906,When we were leaving that place the manager was attempting to rush us to get our apartment serviced with 24 hour notices of intimidation and behaving in an angry way leaving mean voicemails and papers at our pissed on door. She yelled at my +1 that I lived with. Toward the last few months we were documenting everything and collecting paper copies of all communication that we had with her. She was another narcissistic manager and the tenant was an animal abuser. I wish there was an actual law that the ASPCA would be in partner with that coulda’ helped me and my +1 while living at the second apartment.,Normal +27907,I haven’t really complained. Only once when my gram asked me to do a million and one things in a span of a few minutes (go get this go do that) when i was already trying to setup my moms new iPad so she could watch Netflix in the hospital. That all said and done and I feel like shit. Idk if it’s sick but it also feels a hellavua Lot like anxiety. So i get my mom who’s in the apartment next door to ask her to lay with me for a few minutes.,Stress +27908,"I am lazy, this I can attest to. She brings up the Christmas tree, and how we haven't taken it down yet. I just stand in silence from her barrage, then take a bite of my sandwich. I start to take off ornaments and lay them aside. She starts to rummage around and escalate and point out things that we haven't done, getting progressively louder.",Normal +27909,"Nevermind, turning it up loud. Drown everything else out. Bump. Bump. Bump.",Normal +27910,"I'm a freshman in college. I had to move out asap due to a volatile home situation, and I'm still struggling with finances and figuring out the real world. I just got a job, but am currently extremely sick, and worried about starting. Even so, my phone bill is due and I won't be paid for a few weeks. Student loans don't come in until January.",Stress +27911,I posted about a month ago and felt pretty defeated (but very grateful to receive anything at all because one very generous gentleman gave me $100) but I am back to the end of the month with a phone bill due tomorrow and dwindling food and gas and rent approaching soon. I’m 25f and 4 months in recovery. I’m working part time to focus on recovery but trying to find a second job so I can stop finding myself in money binds. I have no friends and family to ask for money and have made literally $550 since July working for Bath and Body Works and $200 with DoorDash since August. My rent is $600 and phone bill is $55 and car insurance is $100 which I haven’t even paid this month.,Stress +27912,"This 100% stems from the abuse from my ex, and him training me to always be home. It home, go in my bed and lay there and watch some TV show or another while I'm on my phone. I get out of bed around 7:30ish and cook dinner. I eat dinner, then lay back in my bed until I decide to go to bed. Usually around 10pm.",Normal +27913,"My problem is, if I'm going to date anyone, they have to be aware that I struggle with PTSD and willing to at least be there for me when I need. I don't need coddling or protecting, I just need someone to hold my hand and let me cry it out, or help me through a flashback. I need someone who can *be* present and emotional, and someone I can feel comfortable having a conversation with about it. Everytime I have had a breakdown, and try to express things from the past, he audibly growls and talks about how pissed he is that it happened. He talks about what he'd do to my abusers if he ever found them.",Stress +27914,"However, the important things will be the personal care stuff, fruit, cereal, Bottle Caps and cookies/crackers. And the rest, I dunno but if it is not too expensive for you, then by all means go ahead and put it in! To make things easier for everyone here, I'll place a star by the stuff I really want. Strawberries, 2 lbs * Wonka Bottle Caps Candy, 6 oz *",Normal +27915,He did not say much about it. I have Morgie's cell phone number. We aren't very close because I don't see her around much. I've only met her a couple of times before. Should I text her or call her and ask what happened that night?,Normal +27916,"I assumed she would answer the question, or she would explore my feelings of inadequacy, or she would interpret the transference. But her response instead was the title ""I am not getting into this with you"". She then went on with how she did like me, thought I was an interesting and nice person. but I do not believe that, it is too unlikely. Besides, as an addendum to her refusal to speak to my question, it seemed false.",Stress +27917,"Saturday, September 29 is the Bay Area premiere of WRESTLING GHOSTS, an excellent new documentary that follows Kim, a young mother, as she does the work to heal from her difficult childhood. I saw the film this week at the L.A. Film Festival. It's the first film I know of to show what healing actually looks like, the long, slow, difficult, rewarding journey. You see Kim checking off her ACE score, meeting Donna Jackson Nakazawa, and most importantly in therapy, using EFT (tapping) and neurofeedback. You see her change and grow.",Normal +27918,"I got a very bad feeling but I at first ignored it. The babysitter was a man and someone I had never met! I was scared because I didn't know this man and I didn't understand why her Mother thought it was alright for a man to babysit 2 girls, one of them being a child he never had contact with. Her Mom proceeds to leave the house and we're there with this strange and creepy man. I was completely uncomfortable the entire time.",Stress +27919,"I wound up in partial hospitalization and diagnosed with PTSD related to several traumas including sexual assault I experienced as a child. I asked for a meeting with all of upper management so that I can start back up at work with clear boundaries for what I won't accept anymore. This will be a good thing in the end, but right now I feel like I'm going to throw up. Meeting is in 3 hours. Send good vibes please?",Stress +27920,"I was in a relationship, so I didn't really let it go anywhere, but hell, it was a new experience for me, and I liked being liked. Fast forward half a year to my breakup. She had moved to a different job, but we bumped into each other in Wal-Mart, if all places. We hit it off, and it wasn't long before a date turned into two, then more. I moved in with her, but maintained a separate apartment for a few months at her request (her family was very judgemental about 'living in sin').",Normal +27921,"His mom and aunt like me too. But there have been some dark portions of our relationships, which I am ashed to talk about. First of all, the lightest part - when he is nervous because of something, he lashes out on me in shape of harsh criticism. Or he yells. 'You always stare at your phone!!!'",Normal +27922,"I recently went through an event that was extremely traumatic. Without specifying what, it was recently everywhere on the news. It's been less than a week and not even sure what I'm dealing with here but all I know is that I feel like I am being discouraged from getting help. Most of my recommendations have been people that are ""off-record"". I've talked a little with them and have talked amongst my friends and they say they do not feel they are any help.",Stress +27923,"It’s becoming cyclical for me, where I “retreat” and revise and then feel like I need to retrigger myself to avoid slipping back into denial that it happened the way it happened. I can’t live like this. I don’t want to live a lie but sometimes the lie is what keeps me functioning. My therapist is away for a month and this means I have no one to push me to deal with this thing. I don’t know what to do.",Stress +27924,"Need to make a move now or never Update: I texted her more about it and she forgot about what happened until I reminded her! She said It’s not off the table, she just felt braver yesterday due to the liquid courage. So I just asked if she wants to hang one last time, maybe go somewhere like we did last time and have a drink and listen to music. And if something happens or doesn’t happen it doesn’t matter.",Normal +27925,"His reply: ""Thanks for not punching me!"" All-in-all, I like this guy, he's been an OK manager to me, I've gotten all of my raises since I've been under him, he has kids, so he understands me as a parent, etc. Am I making too big of a deal out of this? I thought about going to HR about it, but I'm in a position where I can't jeopardize this job, and I'm not the most well-liked person on the team (nothing that I did, I was hired externally for a position that 3 internals wanted), for whatever that's worth. Your thoughts?",Normal +27926,"Recovery feels familiar, so it's less scary, but I'm also so much more tired of it all. I want to move on. I had been able to move on! I got so much stronger! And now I'm back here, a delicate PTSD flower.",Normal +27927,"She still invites me to things and hasn't started dating anyone else (or even talked about it), but frankly, I'm starting to feel kind of pathetic asking her to hang out after she turned me down for the date. I do like her as a friend, but have started thinking of her as more than that and it's hard for me to ignore that when we spend time together. It's even starting to affect my self-esteem a bit, because usually if someone turns me down (no matter how reasonable the excuse) I just move on to someone else and spend less time with them, but it's a bit harder when that person is already your friend. My questions are: should I just give up on the potential of a romantic future with this person, or is it possible she's still feeling things out (like she says)? And regardless of this, should I start spending less time with her/stop inviting her to things (even if just for my own sake)?",Stress +27928,"I want to move forward with my life but seem to have dug myself such a deep hole that I can't climb out. It just seems to be a vicious cycle of can't get a job because I don't have a place, get a job, can't get to job because I don't have a car or license, can't get license or car because I don't have a job. Don't even have a phone currently (this one will change soon). Can't get any assistance because I have no residency. I feel forever fucked in this spiral of shit that I myself have created but can't seem to flush.",Stress +27929,"A has been set up and I’m hoping to help get a bit more assistance from this community. He is one of the hardest working guys I know and I love him like a brother. You can tell by the amount already raised that he is a good man who has the support and love of his community, friends and family around him. It is quite costly to transfer the remains of a loved one across the globe though and there are medical expenses and final bills on top of this that need to be paid for. Any assistance this community is willing to offer would be very much appreciated.",Normal +27930,"It’s really kind of ruining my ability to empathize with some people Bc of comments they’ve made in the past. I witnessed the attempted suicide of my sister and then subsequent self harm targeting just towards myself for the purpose of manipulation and dealt with no one believing that it happened. So many people have told me be happy it was a failed attempt, failing to recognize the damage knowing someone I love could want to hurt me so badly did. Not to mention other abuse I dealt with after that. Trauma shouldn’t be a competition.",Stress +27931,"I enjoy the life we've built together and think we've both grown a lot the past eight years, in positive ways. I'd hate to throw it all away, but I also can't allow myself to be disrespected anymore. Thank you for reading and for any advice you may have. --- TLDR: SO has two co-workers with romantic feelings for her, one of which I feel she emotionally cheated on me with.",Normal +27932,"I'm using a throwaway for obvious reasons, however I could ready use the advice of others right now as I don't know what to do. I met this wonderful girl in November, and everything was going great, she was special enough that I let her meet my friends and family, and I met her siblings and mother as well. She had told me that she had this friend [M21] that she met online. They have never met in person, but she said it was all strictly friendship and nothing else. She mentioned how she helped him get through suicide and that he was a really good person.",Normal +27933,"To start, I feel like I should share why I wanted to be here today to read this statement myself. For six and a half years, I was in a relationship with Luis. The first time he physically assaulted me, I was 18. That was the first time I had been knocked unconscious by another human. The choking incident that we are here for today was the first incident of domestic violence that I reported to the police.",Normal +27934,And we are almost out of groceries until food stamps come in on the 3rd. I don't know what to do without him but I'm covered in bruises and in so much pain. I am worried because my 9 year old watched the whole thing and was so scared she was shaking. Sorry this is so long. I guess I just needed to vent.,Stress +27935,"And then I just want it to go away. I dont know what to do about this, I feel like the world doesn't want me to talk about it. It's to uncomfortable for people... But I hate these feelings and they are just the tip of the iceburg that is ptsd. I felt like I needed to say something somwhere though.",Stress +27936,"I beg him to let go of me so I can get my phone and call my dad. I bang on the floor and scream for help to try to get the downstairs neighbours' attention. He mocks my crying and tells me he's not doing anything to me, that I'm freaking out over nothing. We're struggling against each other, his elbow hitting my face, his arm occasionally choking me. I fight hard to inch towards my phone to get help, but any time I get close he grabs my phone and throw it out of my reach.",Stress +27937,"What's the best way for me to hold out for a couple days? The only things I was able to pack was some clothes and my phone. Bought some spam, figured it was going to be tasty but nah it just tastes like salt. Honestly I think the biggest thing for me is to just stay sane. Goodluck to everyone out there.",Normal +27938,I am losing my place on the 20th and freaking out. I am not sure what to do as phone just got shut off and funds are depleted. The emergency funds I had are now gone as my apartment recently got broken into. I have no family and am truly at a loss here in las vegas. I feel like what might be best for me is to head back to pa where i am orignally from but without funds to pay for bus/plane out of las vegas.,Stress +27939,This is just a vent. Thanks to anyone who reads this. Wish me luck with this new lady. She is also a yoga instructor. Maybe she will be good.,Normal +27940,""", ""how about reasoning with him on that? "", ""it's understandable that he is threatened by your new friendships with other women and he handles it by getting angry""... I am not being critical but I really don't think my therapist knows how to handle what I'm dealing with. I said to him yesterday, ""how can I sit down and have a rational conversation with someone i don't feel safe around at times?"" Have others experienced therapists who weren't helpful, or who coached you to behave in ways that would work with someone who was not abusive, and possibly put you in more danger?",Stress +27941,"If you have some free time please go to the following Instagram post, find my comment under the username , and give it all the likes. They will choose two winners, one based on likes, another on creativity. If you have the extra time this would make my birthday and will help me to pursue my freelance video work full time. Thanks internet people!",Normal +27942,"Can't put this under my true account, but I'm feeling horrible – I just completely screwed up a job application for a position I really wanted. Part of me is like ""oh well not meant to be"", but SERIOUSLY, the application was meticulous. My email? Nope – my computer crashed, I restarted with a draft email which I (stupidly) assumed had saved in the correct way. It hadn't.",Stress +27943,"The first veteran to participate in the study received the marijuana on Monday at theScottsdale Research Institute in Phoenix, Arizona, the release stated. The study is taking place in two locations: in Phoenix, led by Dr. Sue Sisley, and at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, led by Ryan Vandrey. The study is recruiting adult military veterans who have experienced trauma during military service. Screening for volunteers began in January. Volunteers will complete 17 outpatient visits to one of the study location clinics in a 12-week period, with a follow-up visit in six months.",Normal +27944,"I told him if he’s not careful, all this attention could make her fall in love with him. For a while, I noticed the behavior stopped. He wouldn’t stay up as late, they stopped working out for a little bit, the glances and flirting stopped, and I noticed they weren’t talking as much, because they both talked to me more. However, recently it has started back up again, and almost as strongly as before. They do all the same things again, and they are always making eye contact with eachother or teasing and flirting.",Normal +27945,"We decided to move states together and start a new life. We don’t live together (mutual decision). He wanted to marry me etc..and I started to see a change in his behavior ever since the move. He got flustered really easily or would get angry over something simple—traffic or a common life situation. He seems to have no patience anymore, especially with me and will just shut down.",Stress +27946,"Hey guys. My girlfriend and I recently made a move from South Florida to Ohio for a change of scenery and a massive cost of living decrease. Due to the unexpected costs of the move and the cost of getting settled into our new home, we are severely in need of some basics to get us and our two pets through until we receive our first full checks from our new jobs. Our original dream was to move across the country to the west coast and start from scratch when we arrived. We had enough for the journey and to get us into a place, but not much else, so we reevaluated our finances and settled down in Ohio instead, about 1500 miles away from our previous home and about halfway to our original destination.",Normal +27947,"If you're interested in being interviewed for a story, please send me a DM. I have OCD, myself, so I can assure you the topic will be treated with the tact it deserves. Note: We are not doing anonymous interviews at this time, so your full name would be published in the story. Happy to answer any questions you may have! Thank you.",Normal +27948,"I cook and clean every night and this is expected now. she berates my family (yeah my family is screwed up! but show me a family that isn't) and will freak out the moment I critiscise hers. she demanded I leave immediately this morning so had no time to pack belongings and arrange somewhere for myself and my cat to stay. today since being kicked out, just over 12 hours, I have received over 300 phone calls and over 1000 texts via all forms of communication.",Stress +27949,"Hey. I turned 18 two weeks ago, and this weekend, I was booted from my parents house. My uncle is nice enough to let me rent out one of his places, but after rent, and utilities, and gas to get to work, I don’t have anything left over. Problem is, the new place isn’t furnished, and I wasn’t allowed to take anything from my house except my clothes. So, if anyone could help me get furniture for my new place, I’d greatly appreciate it.",Normal +27950,"We closed out our list and we are SOOOOOO grateful of everyone's heart who donated. Thank you all so much who openly donated and anonymously donated food and a gift card. This community is full of good people, and we are grateful for it. Can't wait to pay it forward! Thank you again!",Normal +27951,"It would take until my mid-twenties before I stopped letting people hurt me. But the trauma remains. I've become a successful professional, happily married, with a home and pets (no children, I'll never have children after what I survived). I've been out of therapy for almost 10 years but my coping mechanisms have been failing. I'm having breakdown after breakdown after the slightest trigger and there are SO MANY triggers!",Stress +27952,When people Don't understand and tell you how to be / when you evade all answers and feel like a monstrosity / Shut the blinds / the outside world / hide away / worry about the morning / upcoming day Night arrives / should be fine am I right / turns into a turbulent anxiety night / shake my head / am I the only one who feels this way / Take my meds / daily occurrence of will this ever end / hate this paranoia of internal mindset / Get told it will get better / how to be / change myself for you to try and frankly that's never the good answer,Stress +27953,My nephew came over today and he has a bunch of bug bites on him. His mother is insisting they are flea bites but i posted pictures earlier and was told they look like bed bug bites. Idk what to do. I'm having a mental breakdown or something. I already have crippling depression and this is breaking me.,Stress +27954,"I know I am still young and there is so much more coming in life but sometimes, I just feel this is not where I want to be and I sometimes get sad that I am not doing the things I want to be doing. I really want to travel and it really is hard to find people to go with. I would love to go solo but I am sometimes fearful of asking my parents because I don't want them to convince me otherwise/tell me no. I have this huge wanderlust and I want to see the world and constantly learn. I did apply to a grad program with many global opportunities to fulfill the dream of mine and I am excited as well.",Normal +27955,"Maybe a couple more days will get me back to normal. Definitely quitting the alcohol. It's an obvious trigger. But yeah, just wanted to ask his thread on your thoughts. Thanks",Normal +27956,"As an aside, it really kind of messes you up when the DA calls and tells you that in less than a week your abuser will be putting in a final plea; if you'd like to attend, please come for at least half a day to see what will happen. So, talked to my therapist about this and I had already told the DA I want him to see jail time not just 2 years of probation with state mandated drug treatment. isn't this also really awful as now they'll just forever say it was because of their addiction and never take full responsibility for their own actions? I digress, I demanded that he gives me a face to face apology. My therapist thinks it might be a bad idea as it's been less than a year and she thinks he will only lie and tell me he's sorry because I've requested it.",Normal +27957,"I clearly hold it to such high regards... I would think, ""no one's this stupid"" but apparently people are. If anyone is wondering why i didn't ignore it, I thought I wasn't being clear in what I was saying and thought if I just bluntly told it, it would understand and go away. When I kept saying it wasn't listening, for some reason, I believed I wasn't communicating clearly or I was being ""too nice"" by ""hinting at it"". Turns out abusers do this thing where they deliberately don't listen to people calling them out.",Normal +27958,"I am so scared to go up to 10mg because I want to still be able to lose weight. My doc has suggested Prozac because it has had more success with weight loss than weight gain with majority of people. I just don't know what I want to do. I thought I was going to be able to get off meds but these physical symptoms which set off my hypocondria are coming back in full swing. Even though I KNOW it's anxiety, I can't break the loop of thoughts.",Stress +27959,"I only have about $10 left in my bank account. My new job pays bi-weekly which means i'll be starving for about 3 weeks. While I do plan to visit the local food bank, I figured I might as well reach out to my fellow redditors also. I will leave the link to my wishlist down bellow. If you guys can help me I would gladly appreciate it!",Normal +27960,"So many local counties and cities struggle with homelessness and put a lot of resources into fixing the problem. But I feel society as a whole needs to change in order to truly fix the problems at hand especially at the federal level. By at least having these conversations, we can start talking about how we as a nation might be able to change to help our neighbors. I hope this made a bit of sense. I have been up late and wanted to reflect on some of the previous conversations I have had with people trying to change the narrative on homelessness.",Normal +27961,I’m definitely keeping the child. We don’t own our house so will just go our separate ways. I’m totally open to him being part of the child’s life if he wants. I know he would be a good dad despite him turning out to be a terrible husband Thanks for the advice guys.,Normal +27962,"If you are triggered stop reading but the word is schizophrenia. Just thinking about it freaks me out atm. I keep thinking I will go crazy.... I imagine myself in a mental hospital having panic attacks 24/7 a hellish torture... oh god.... This is because I've always has extreme fear of afterlife and existence, its just so bizarre I've explored every single freaking theory/religion/whatever thats how much I was obsessed with it before.",Stress +27963,"This subreddit truly helped me during my toughest times with PTSD and I just wanted to share my gratitude. You guys are so wise and so strong and so endlessly kind to each other. I'm doing great now. After years of struggling I'm finally at a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin. Sure I still got some issues, but all in all life is balanced and peaceful.",Normal +27964,Next morn I did a lot thinking about God and praying and thanking him for blessing me with such a thing called Planet Fitness. And Subway. Made my way back to my part of town and chilled out till daylight. Fin. (Sorry for getting rushy I’ve currently been walking for 8 hours and I gotta get moving again soon so I don’t decide to make a place to sleep.,Normal +27965,"I saw a professional for a psych evaluation and though there are no flashbacks or nightmares, I still am placed with the ptsd label. I know this isn’t something you just “get over” I just thought I moved on from my “trauma” I watched a few episodes of bojack horseman and it’s thrown me into an episode of depression Idk I’m sad, I’m mad, I get irritable I have no idea what symptoms and triggers are for me, I just keep going because if I don’t I’ll stop and fall apart. I’m like a piece of glass being held together by masking tape. I would’ve rather been told I’m a sociopath/psychopath or a narcissist due to my severe apathy towards everything.",Stress +27966,"This is all relevant because I'm slowly realizing that **keeping my relationship from my mother isn't sustainable**. I'm not a good liar. Eventually, the truth has to come out, because I cannot live like this. Problem-- my mother would HATE my boyfriend. Being a narcisist, she can't stand when I give anyone more attention or devotion than her.",Stress +27967,"Thank you for reading and for your time. Update: I should probably add that I was terrified of my mom and never tried to provoke her. I never snuck out, never got in trouble at school, no drugs, no drinking, no bad friends, tried to keep my grades up as best as I had time for, and never ever back talked; even though I dreamt of serving it to her one day. My siblings would cry whenever they didn’t get what they wanted, they were rather spoiled, and would tell on me if I didn’t do what they wanted. Mom would be in the middle of homework or class and she’d just wail on me for no reason.",Stress +27968,I had the back up clothes in case my body exploded. I got an aisle seat in the back. I had it covered. I have been traveling on planes ever since for the last twenty years. Fear defeated.,Normal +27969,16 years ago when I was 6 9/11 happened. That's the day everything changed for me. My mom was a first responder she was a social worker in the city and volunteered with the Red Cross the next day. She spent 4 months at ground zero. Some of my earliest memories are of the towers falling.,Normal +27970,"Hi, I will not have a home in a few weeks . I'm living with an abusive, drug addict roommate whom has constantly stolen from me. I have asked cops etc to help and I'm told restraining order. Well, I figure I'm just going to leave when away from me. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, but I know I cannot endure this.",Stress +27971,"Just recently started a job at subway, and during work I always feel immense pressure on me i start sweating constantly. I never thought I had a fear of human interaction but now I don’t know. I get extremely anxious knowing I’m going to have to work the next day. I am losing so much sleep, even now when I’m writing this, I haven’t touched my phone in a few hours but my mind wouldn’t stop rambling, making me feel horrible. It’s 1:33 am and I still can’t sleep.",Stress +27972,"how is it possible that he can drive and use his fist to punch you? did you do something wrong?"". The only thing I got from the police was a worn out looking card to the social work department (and by the way they offer counselling - nothing else). To this day, they have not arrested him because apparently the attack occurred in the middle of two districts (apparently it's really hard to determine which district is responsible) and because of bureaucratic issues, the man has not been taken to questioning. My mother helped me tremendously by arranging the divorce for me, and in the divorce, we did not put any alimony.",Stress +27973,"I have therapy, I'm on medication. It's so hard to just get through a week without thinking of him and now I can't stop picturing his stupid face. I want to crawl into a hole and just cry and scream. It sucks even more because I won't be able to see my therapist this week because of the 4th of July holiday. I'm so shaken up over this.",Stress +27974,"The backpack had my social security card, passport, birth certificate, laptop, notebooks, and other important legal documents like my last lease agreement. I am on the street because my landlord in San Diego was making violent threats towards me and I had to flee. Police were called, and nothing was done. I moved to California a few years ago. I left my things with some people I trusted and they all stole them and sold them for money.",Stress +27975,"From across the table their eyes met, and in that instant they saw their future as they held each other’s gaze—a picture of a grand love, and a future filled with hope. In that split second the young teenage boy fell in love with a shy teenage girl. She smiled sweetly while he spoke loudly. He did all he could to impress the timid girl that night. Little did he know she was already taken by him.",Normal +27976,"I have a dog that I got during the abusive relationship that led to my PTSD, though I could never prove it there were obvious signs that she was abused by my ex as well. She has always been very sensitive to how people are feeling and acting (when I have an episode with my celiac disease she will curl up by my stomach and won't leave my side) could this be a starting point for me to train her to recognise when I have a major panic attack and just lay with me until it passes? I was going to find a dog training sub to post this on but some of you may have service dogs for your PTSD so I wanted to get your opinion as well!",Normal +27977,"I'm in a well paid job. I have beautiful friends, and most of the best ones are women. I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel safe, have come to terms with the past, am able to give time and money to help others. And yet despite all these blessings I've been paralysed for the last week, unable to function at work. By a lie.",Stress +27978,"I'm male and i live with my partner of 4 years. We have a 12 month old baby boy who is a very loved and cherished child. Early on in our relationship there were a couple of events that looking back i should have treated as red flags, basically my partner reacted volcanically to some fairly normal behaviour on my part such as messaging with a female friend (actually wife of one of my old mates) and me trying to arrange to meet my friends from home for beers (i live a couple of cities away from my home town). I wrote this stuff off as isolated incidents and we eventially bought a place together and decided to start the family we'd both always dreamt of. The pregnancy was kind of a beautiful bubble of love and anticipation and i was (and still am) elated by the arrival of our little boy.",Stress +27979,"I know this will prob get doe vote to oblivion but every time i see this phrase it just feels so negative. Anxiety can be cured, you can feel normal again and you could even say that managing it is a cure anyway. People without anxiety manage fear and anxiety on a day to day basis it's just it comes naturally to them without even noticing, that's the point we need to get ourselves back to in order to be cured. I'm guessing I'm not the only one that feels de-motivated when they see this phrase so maybe use it less on here guys?",Normal +27980,"Even though we did break up I don't know if he's taking it seriously and if he just thinks I'll come home and we'll be ok. I'm so tired of being treated like shit by everyone in my life. I'm not strong enough to take care of myself, to fight back, to leave. And I can't work, I can't even answer phone calls because of my anxiety, how am I supposed to survive? My family doesn't understand my mental issues so I can't get help from them with it, they tell me I need to start looking for a job and I can't even say anything.",Stress +27981,"At times, he would get stalker-ish, and she would remove him from her contacts. This would infuriate him, and he would create an alternate character to threaten her, saying how he is going to find her, kill her, and tell me about their relationship. Being scared, my wife would add him back, pretend to be friends, only to repeat this cycle over several times over the next few years. Yes, they somehow remained ""friends"" for years after this affair. The next stab came when I was sent to an Air Force base for a 3 month training for my job.",Normal +27982,"It would help so much if I could use my car and not worry about the insurance etc. It would be a huge help! I would also paint a picture for the person who helps, as I am an avid painter. I just want to get this done as food and everything like those necessities is taken care of, but I don't have the funds to get this done before the 7th. If you can help, it would be appreciated so much!",Normal +27983,My family thought it was a home invasion so the retrieved their guns and prepair to defend them selves. After the authorities knocked the door down they then announced them selves and threatened to kill everyone inside. My family dropped their guns and surrender peacefully. After several hours of ransacking our house the Feds arrested my little brother on charges that are of the upmost serious kind. He was not allowed to speak or talk to my parents.,Normal +27984," I feel like I have no personality or sense of self, and my mind will take sudden turns every week or so. I can get sudden obsessions for things and then drop them and lose interest instantly, because my whole set of core values, ideas and principles changes constantly. And I've seen people saying that it's normal. I highly doubt it's normal to change so drastically and so quickly, because I have to accommodate to a new personality every single week, and it's disturbing. Actually, there were times when I changed from one day to the other and it's so disturbing because I didn't know what was happening to me...I just woke up feeling and being completely different, like something changed everything about me overnight.",Stress +27985,"I saw a shadow figure standing in my bedroom door... so I'm camped out in my mom's room. I have bipolar I as well, so it's likely that's the cause of the hallucinations. ​ I can't take this. I've had several anxiety attacks in the last few weeks; twice, I was sent home from work about half an hour early.",Stress +27986,"I have been always told that I was a burden, a waste of space and that I was a fuck up even tho I'm the only one in my family 2 get any qualifications nevermind getting into uni. I'll most likely end up homeless as I can't even work as I have little work experience and I try part time jobs just 2 end up having a panic attack early on which got me fired each time. My friends are all at uni doing well 2 which makes me feel worse while I'm at home being a sack of shit who stays indoors all day with no social interaction other than my parents berating me about life. I don't even know what 2 do and it's killing me. My friends constantly remark about me being a mess.",Stress +27987,"I don't want a situation to come where she calls the police lying saying I hit her (anytime a domestic incident happens, it's automatically the guy's fault) She's called the police falsely on my dad twice, so I wouldn't put it passed her. So I'm writing this in the parking lot of my college afraid to go home. Awesome",Stress +27988,"My heart races and palpitates. I've gone on autopilot, but I've never experienced anything like an out of body experience. When this intense part fades I just get stuck in my head for the rest of the day, exhausted. Has anyone experienced something like this? How do you cope when ain't nobody got time for that?",Normal +27989,"Already borrowed what I can from family and friends, living on my own, and rather exhausted that. I'd rather not share my specific adress in public, so PM if you want to help. Got no preferences, but a kebab or pizza with varied stuff in it would be great for nutrition. Hate asking for this, but I'm at a low point and getting rather desperate. If ordering isn't the thing for you, a small amount of money to buy something cheap at the store is just as good.",Stress +27990,"Every minor detail feels just so overwhelming that I feel suffocated and panicky all the time. I imagine others here have gone through something similar, so I wanted to ask about your experience with grad school applications. How did you survive? How did you preserve your mental health, and do the best that you could? Thanks so much.",Stress +27991,"I simply stayed home and did nothing, I was basically a shut-in hiding from the world. I had really awful anxiety at one point, I never went to the doctor for it, but there was a time when I got a panic attack and I had to call a friend, who helped me get through it. Then everything changed, I got an opportunity to work at a really tough (to be honest I would call the working conditions atrocious), minimum-wage job but I learned a lot of life lessons (and it changed my view on society). Then I started reading more books to improve myself, and that was when I started to earn some savings. I returned to school and the first semester back I managed to get As in half of my courses.",Stress +27992,"She'll order so much food, and binges on it, while downing shots the whole time. The way she orders food and drinks kinda makes me change my eating and drinking habits when I'm with her. It's like I'm binging too. She always excuses herself to the bathroom right after a meal and I know she's purging. The more recent time I hung out with her, I put my foot down a little more and told her i didn't want to pay for so much food, and that I wasn't doing shots (I never do shots, but she always orders them for me when I'm out with her and then is really manipulative in order to pressure me to do them).",Normal +27993,"Why did I have to scream in pain? Sometimes the bashings would be so bad that I would call my mum while she was at work [sometimes my brother and I would be home alone after I returned from school, when he would torment and bash me]. I would run into my room and lean against the bedroom door with all my weight while my brother kicked and punched through it from the other side. Once, the wood splintered and went into my back. Still no-one stopped him.",Stress +27994,I have had two or three or more reoccurring dreams of me cheating on my boyfriend.. and they are so real that I actually feel awful when I wake up or like it actually happened. I've been spooked when I've woken up because it's actually felt like he left and it happened.. can someone shed some light on what this means? my boyfriend is 18 and I am 19 I am female he is male. we have been in a relationship for around 6/7 months. Recently me and my boyfriend had been going through a tough stage and I've been carrying a huge amount of guilt and I've been feeling like I'm not a good person at all...,Stress +27995,"While my friends and myself included, have high hopes that this will work out, I’m petrified because I am putting my feelings on the table. I’m going to be so damn vulnerable. While he’s expressed and shown signs that he’s just as into this as I am, if not more so, I’ve also never done this before. I’ve only been in 1 (college) relationship before this, followed by 3 years of singleness and ultimate casual fuckery. I know my feelings for him are real and I owe it to myself to fight for a chance of a relationship with someone I feel so strongly for.",Stress +27996,"That’s it for me. Bye, world. I run and hide inside a key repairs store. The shop attendant give me a worried look. I cannot move, even though I am fully aware I am standing in the door.",Stress +27997,"Everything was absolutely perfect. He is always very quiet, but is a complete sweetheart, and very warm and kind once he trusts someone. He’s pretty much the spitting image of what I imagined of the person I would marry when I was young. The one thing about him that would have seemed “off” is that he never really talked at all about his life before the Army. I know what city he is from, and a couple inconsequential details, but nothing significant.",Normal +27998,So i was run off the road and needed to repair my car. Took it in and it ended up costing me $600 AU. im just asking for help any amount of money is appreciated. Ive payed $200 off myself but i have until friday to pay this off. I will pay anyone back the money they can loan with an agreed apon amount depending on what you guys are willing to loan.,Normal +27999,Do I force myself to move forward? Am I being ridiculous because I still have ptsd? I feel like they’re so out of line. I’m all over the place. Just someone please help.,Stress +28000,"​ Hey everyone, Being that Hurricane Florence just occurred less than a month ago, my personal experience with Hurricane Florence consisted of having my maternal extended family evacuated from Craven County and coming to stay with my family in Wilson, having to have family members be rescued from their home due to a severe flash flood, and dealing with the shock and emotions of loss once returning. On top of that, two of my family members have been displaced and all of them are still in the stages of recovery. This is the first natural disaster that has left a major impact on my family as far as trying to find resources and dealing with insurance adjusters and etc.",Stress +28001,As a result I had a total burn out. Many months ago the situation with my abuser came up between this friend and I. I explained some stuff but she said it was too overwhelming for her to hear so I never brought it up again. My response to her saying I do nothing was just explaining that I don’t tell people why I’m in this situation because it scares people. It’s often retraumatizing when I tell people and their reaction is either to get scared and shut me down or not believe me at all. Her response was that a lot of people have f’d up things they have to deal with but they still have to do stuff.,Stress +28002,"When we returned we discovered that one of our beloved pets' health had taken a turn for the worse and we had to them euthanized, so that was a setback. We still have not been able to pay rent for May. Our landlords are trying to work with us but I believe they are becoming impatient, also since the 5th there is an additional $5 owed for every day that it is late so the amount is growing. We are also still very behind in our utility bills. I was able to negotiate something with the company that I finance my car through so that it would be easier to make the payments but could still use some help paying my insurance this month before it is cancelled again (It was cancelled briefly in April but I was able to get it reinstated).",Stress +28003,My sister lives with her BF and my 2 year old nephew about 30 minutes away from me. A few days ago she asked if her and my nephew can come spend next Monday - Friday with me because her BF is going out of town and she doesn't want to be in the house alone without him (they live with his family so I guess sometimes it gets uncomfortable). I said okay sure. I live in 500 sqft a studio but I have a pullout couch in addition to my bed. I've been with my BF for 3 years and about 5 months ago he unofficially moved in with me (unofficial because we share bills and all of his stuff is here but his mail and whatnot still goes to his parents where he was living before).,Normal +28004,"Me and my Dad aren't on speaking terms, however we do live in the same house. Mainly because I'm not financially able to leave and live on my own. I do plan on leaving, but until I make enough money to do so I'm stuck here. I want to share what has led to this point, because to be honest I feel like I'm pathetic, weak in incapable of accomplishing anything. Everything I do to move forwards seems to be halted and I feel like I'm being pushed back.",Stress +28005,There is a waitlist to be called when they become available. I do not want to start training an adult dog from the shelter to become a service dog. I think there is too much room for error if I'm not the one who socialized the dog from the beginning. Any advice or notes from those who have them would be great. Thanks.,Normal +28006,"Cigarettes used to help but they don't anymore. Alcohol helps, but then it comes back worse the next day. In the months that it's not happening, I'm well-adjusted. I thrive. But then my luck changes, someone starts listening to music next door or revving an old engine in their yard, and all my progress collapses.",Stress +28007,"I have struggled all my life with weight. For the past month I have been dieting like a madman, counting calories, working out, etc. I have lose weight before in mass amounts so I do know how to diet and weigh food. But the scale will not budge, inches will not budge, nothing. So I decided that I am going to talk to my doctor about tapering off lexapro next week when I go in to see her.",Normal +28008,"So thank you. My day got better. I am on medicine so I took my alprazolam and went to a store to try and find a dress for an upcoming wedding party. No luck. Dressing room lady was rude as hell but for the first time, I didn’t really put up with it.",Normal +28009,"He doesnt seem bothered about calling me or meeting me unless I initiate. We dont talk for very long as he still lives with his parents and is apparently always ""busy"" helping his mum. Im mostly available, as I work part time as Im a student but I live in a rented shared flat. We seldom talk about the future. I want to talk about the future, I planned to work abroad this year as I graduate soon but stopped those plans after meeting him as he is only in college and will take another 3 years until he finishes education.",Normal +28010,"So, long story short my parents are terribly abusive, I'm almost 30 and it took me this long, with the help of my wife to realize this. Lots of things happened, too many to list in a single post, but it got much worse last year when my daughter was molested by my younger brother. We had asked my parents to watch my two daughters due to a medical emergency, and that's when it happened, with my father in the room, his eyes glued to his cell phone. We involved CPS, the police, but my daughter didn't quite tell the police everything, and with their investigation, they could not press charges against him. After their investigation was complete, we informed my parents of what happened, and they called my then 5 year old daughter a liar to her face.",Stress +28011,"I'm just really scared in general of not living up to expectations my partner may have. A lot of my life is built on trying to be exciting, fun, or entertaining, I'm just scared I won't be able to keep it up for my partner. The last thing I want them is to describe their boyfriend (me) as bland or boring, but I feel like that's how I'll make them feel, and it'll just lead to heartache. So, I've come to the most recent conclusion (after seeing my two best friends get girlfriends and me being the awkward loser who can't get one). That maybe I'm not the type of person who's built for relationships.",Stress +28012,Which now leads me to where I am now. I had a talk with person A and she wants to get back together. Person B really wants a relationship with me. I don’t want to be a douche bag and cut things off with person b and then go back after my ex and have to deal with all the drama in between that. But I don’t really want my ex(person a) to go back and try to get into relationships and talk to all these guys.,Normal +28013,"My sister messaged me ""CALL ME ASAP"" I received her message at 1am when I woke up at my own home to use the restroom. I called my sister at that time, she answered the phone and I heard yelling and screaming. What happened was, My sister gave my father a ride back to wherever it was he came from - to get him out of their home. My father would not leave my moms home unless she also came along.",Normal +28014,"I was at work today and this guy I just met was just exuding this layer of confidence, he was; to an extent everything I wanted to be when it came to my relationships with others. There was no reason to hate him, but I just felt this serious sense of envy toward him. He just magically knew what and how to talk to everyone, like the people that I wanted to talk to, but could never, he had already been there and done that. Now nothing is stopping me from doing what he has already done, but like, I feel like that entire pathway has just been blocked off, because of this envy. I'm really not sure whether I should start to model myself over him or just remain like this.",Stress +28015,"We were doing so good.” I’m feel as if I can’t be angry at any of his actions, and my words mean nothing, and my threats are empty. He makes me feel so horrible about myself when I even show the slightest bit of distance from him, he treats me as if I owe him sex. Never forces me to but will bring it up constantly, about how we haven’t and it’s just “makes him feel so bad and self conscious about himself” I don’t know what to do I told him I wanted to move back home and he went in behind me and unpacked my bags as I packed them.",Stress +28016,"That was nice. But now that we're close to the point of no return, with a flight booked so he can come see her(I agreed to travel out of our house for the week), and they seem to be bonding big time(I love you's abound), I'm not sure what to do with myself. On one hand I want to let loose and detach, let her have fun, and do so myself. If it leads to a new LTR for her, awesome. But what kills me I guess is the uncertainty.",Stress +28017,"I’ve been in the mood since Friday night, we had a date and when we got tired and I let her go to sleep. Saturday morning I tried doing some forplay and she stopped me and told me to wait till later that night and she would make it up to me. Saturday night rolls around and she just falls asleep. Sunday morning I climb out of bed and start breakfast, and she said “Too bad you were asleep this morning, I tried to wake you up for something special...” Later that day we were getting ready for a birthday party, and she said, “I wish we could be undressing instead, but we got a party to go to...” I took that as a hint that later tonight she’ll finally be in the mood.",Normal +28018,"Hey guys I just want to hear your opinions on this. So I’ve only had ptsd for about 5 years now after a near death experience and I just want to know if you guys think it is possible for me to be able to get rid of it for good. That fact that I was not born with a generalized anxiety disorder really makes me believe that one day I’ll be able to be the person I was before the incident. The issue is that even when I ask my therapist about this he tells me that my anxiety will always be there from now on, I just have to learn how to deal with it. What are your thoughts?",Normal +28019,"  A lot of you reading this are still serving either in the military or first responder, corrections or medical … the ability to stand up and say, “I need to take some time out to handle my PTSD”. In fact it is a guaranteed way to find yourself in JPSU or desk duty til they can boot you out the door. You CAN NOT start EMDR or CBT without telling your employer, your family and your support network what you are about to go through.  ",Normal +28020,"Part of what makes good writing is having small specific details and the little stories that make up the novel as a whole. This is why I was hoping that, if you are interested, you could send me stories of your experiences in an abusive relationship - whatever detail you choose to send, it doesn't have to be anything ""epic"" and ""grand,"" it could be the smallest segment that you hold significance to. If you have any questions about what I'm looking for, let me know - though I'm really looking for anything! Feel free to post them here, or private message me. Thank you in advance <3",Normal +28021,"If she were honest or apologetic, I could try to understand. But is that naive? I’m just confused. I’ve tried to give it time, but I understand less and less. I signed up for Facebook over the weekend, and Corrine was in my suggested people to add.",Normal +28022,And I really don't know what to do. This isn't nearly the first time he lied and there have also been other things (like him being unemployed for 6 months and not looking for a job while his parents pay foe everything and he lives with me). But I get that life can be hard and it sometimes can get you down. But I just feel like my trust is broken over and over and over again. And I don't know what to do.,Stress +28023,"We are begging you for **$200** to buy bus tickets for the **4** of us to travel via bus. It is a **14 hour** road travel from our current city. The $200 will cover our travel to there and going back here.   This would really mean a lot for me and my family, we just want to see our grandfather one last time.",Normal +28024,"We spoke of Buddhism and karma and about how everything is connected. Turns out, everything is related. My grandmother was a bitch to my mother, my mother was a bitch to me, I had to act out in a way or another. The Perpetrator, the Victim, and the Rescuer interchange positions. I've been told I show symptoms of BPD, ADHD, but I haven't been diagnosed clinically.",Normal +28025,I was venting how pissed off she made me to one of my friends. I didn't know [3M] was listening to our conversation. He asked me and my friend what a period was. My friend took him to his mother who was in the kitchen. She just told us to keep an eye on him while she did some things.,Stress +28026,"For example, I'm selling something that's worth £50? You can have it for £10. I hate it, I want to cry. I've had items listed for about 2 weeks, they're all responsibly priced or under and I'm having to accept low ball offers as I have no other choice. I would never let myself in a million years do this if I wasn't homeless but the clock is ticking and I need to move.",Stress +28027,"Sorry this is so long! Thanks in advance if you manage to read it :) My best friend Grace and I met when we were 10 and became best friends almost immediately. She was always the ""leader"" in our friendship ever since we were young. I didn't mind it, I actually kind of liked it since I was a very shy kid who had no confidence anyway.",Normal +28028,"She has a temper and some anger issues. I'm the only one that has seen that side of her, maybe I'm just the cause. To add to the story, she left me with scars on my arms a few months ago while I was trying to calm her down while giving her kisses. She dug her nails into me pretty severely. I had pictures which the officers asked to see, which I showed them.",Normal +28029,The link to my gofundme campaign is: I included a video on my Gofundme which explains my whole situation. I thought that recording it will be better than writing it down. Thank you God bless,Normal +28030,"Writing is one of my methods, and I wrote this and I would really appreciate feedback or any insight on why I am not being able to withhold myself today. “I’m writing this, because I am experiencing and attempting to avoid a full blown panic attack. I am stronger then my negative thoughts, and I do have the power to control them. Writing about it makes it seem less real, and it isn’t. My dream keeps playing in my head like a record and each time i get a glimpse of the record I avoid it.",Normal +28031,I’m looking for advice to try to help a relative. She’s going through a very ugly divorce with her husband who’s trying to get sole custody of their three-year-old son. He’s dating a woman with a substance abuse problem and a criminal record. He met her three weeks ago and has been taking their son to sleep at her residence (unbeknownst to my relative till recently). This Monday he told her he’s filing for divorce.,Normal +28032,"It's not really safe for me to be driving. I can't even function enough to do the grocery shopping. Sometimes it goes into an actual panic attack, but not too often. My husband has recently banned me from going anywhere alone unless absolutely necessary (like to work). Is this something a service dog would be helpful for?",Stress +28033,"Is it different to other occasions such as people/objects that remind you of it (more/less extreme, etc. )? I hope my questions don't come across as confusing (like that last one!) This isn't a bland survey, so feel free to comment anything outside what I ask that you think might be important for this character I'm writing. And again, mods, if this isn't appropriate, just let me know and/or point me to a better sub!",Normal +28034,"It's been a while so I thought those feelings were long gone. At one point, I asked if Lily would come talk to me in my room, which she agreed to. In there, we made out. I don't remember a ton, but I do remember pulling away and immediately telling Lily ""oh my god, I can't believe I just did this."" Like a drunk idiot, I called my boyfriend.",Normal +28035,"This is so hard to write about for me. Attempting to describe what I've been through cuts me really deep down and spins me through flashes of pain, tears, and the deepest depression. I really feel kicked when I'm already down. So please, forgive me for the winded intro and shaking writing style. It has honestly taken me a week just to get to this point.",Stress +28036,"My girlfriend has been under major strain since last year when took a new job, she has been depressed and has mood swings for half a year now. She has always been inverted and melancholy, but I feel that the new pressure has pushed it to the verge of disaster. I tried to talk to her, but she responded negatively and she had not done anything to help. In recent months she has said that I am depressed and need help. She told me that I had a symptom or another when she was actually symptomatic.",Normal +28037,I was abusive and my mother was scared for her life. This started at a very young age. The first time I remember her telling everyone she was scared I would kill her I was about 7. I had only raised my voice in protest because I was being severely punished for 7 days for “lying”. Me and my sisters relationship has been strained most of my life but recently she had been opening up to me about the neglect and some fat shaming she experienced as a child.,Normal +28038,Essentially they had a few speakers which ran from people in the organization to the mayor and state representatives. Then they had a short film about the director who was retiring and essentially how she transformed this small barely funded group into an amazingly helpful and essential part of the community. It was without exaggeration insanely inspiring. They then went on to have a slide show with pictures of some of the survivors. Their pictures would appear as the individual told an abridged version of their story and how this organization helped them.,Normal +28039,"I feel alone, because I feel like people don't think ""I was having a panic attack"" as a legitimate excuse to miss something. I don't even feel like others with panic attacks 100% get it, because I don't really get that feeling of a heart attack or anything, I feel like my panic attacks are weird, and all the stuff I read about ways to help seem to be for people who get the heart attack feelings. I get a panic attack, and then get anxious about the panic attack, and it's just a big cycle. I try to open up to people, but they don't really understand. I just want to be normal.",Stress +28040,"A sustained loud noise like music doesn't bother me. Basically, I just scare very easily and have a visible response. It's pretty embarrassing in social and professional settings to the point people think I'm faking but I really can't control my reaction. I was diagnosed Bipolar and BPD however this symptom in particular doesn't really match up with either of those. As far as I know I'm not officially diagnosed PTSD, doctors I've seen have confirmed symptoms seeing as I had a very traumatic childhood.",Normal +28041,"I'll start of by saying, sorry for my bad English or grammer. English is not my first language. I don't talk to anyone in class. I avoid people and girls who try and talk to me because I get soo nervous and my heart starts pounding. I don't talk to a single girl apart from my sisters and my mom.",Normal +28042,"I am afraid of anything and everything at the same time I am afraid of what happened or what may happen. I am afraid the world, the earth, the skies, the stars, aliens, humans, animals, whatever fucking bullshit thought that had occurred in my head that makes my skin crawl. I am afraid of what I am or what I might become. I am afraid that I might go crazy or fight that I might become boring, or normal, or average, or weird, or some fucking hippie, or some fucking stupid hard-headed person.",Stress +28043,"I have been able to catch up a little bit on my rent that was behind with my income tax return, but I am still striving to catch up completely while I try to find part time work that I can perform. I am unable to work gainfully and I was denied Social Security Disability on the first two levels and have on 12/1/2017 filed for a hearing before a Administrative Law Judge. This is not expected to happen for over a year as the system is back logged and understaffed. In 2000, when I was 23, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Multiple Sclerosis a chronic, typically progressive disease involving damage to the sheaths of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, whose symptoms may include numbness, impairment of speech and of muscular coordination, blurred vision, and severe fatigue.",Normal +28044,"Before it happened I had been good friends with him and I admired him a lot as a child. I don't want to ruin his life, and whenever I meet him I act normal and happy. When I talk about him I smile and act normal. Sometimes I feel like I can forgive him for what happened, but sometimes I have nightmares and I feel dirty. I think of what happened a lot.",Stress +28045,"I just got a new job and I won't get paid until the 18th. I've only been unemployed for a week now, the company I worked for closed and after bills I have no money. I was already trying to get on my feet from being let go from my long-term job in October. If you could help me I will contribute to this sub when I can, pay you back, reciprocate in any way that I can. I don't have family that I can ask for help (both parents are deceased, no siblings, not close with Aunts and Uncles).",Stress +28046,"They'd be punished for playing, for not using the bathroom when she wanted them to, for looking at her even. I'd get punished for playing with them too, or for letting them use the restroom when they asked. She would keep them in their crates for hours, sometimes the whole day. If they were too ""bad"" they didn't get fed. Once I remember my dog went three days without dinner.",Normal +28047,I also want to set the record straight with my family. What should I do? Tldr : I dislike my mom for legitimate reasons. She's telling my family it's because my head is all messed up from my mental illness. It's gotten back to me and is making me angry and making me feel victimized and weird about myself all over again.,Stress +28048,"Friends, pets, family if you have that kind of support, community resources, whatever it takes, don't be afraid to ask. Above all, don't quit. You deserve better, you deserve to survive, you deserve help and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. About three days ago, my friend thought of adding my Go Fund Me campaign to Reddit and so she very generously put it in the Go Fund Me subreddit. I can't thank her enough, she is beyond awesome.",Normal +28049,"“Hey you can’t lay down like that man.” I could tell you what I wanted to say to the oversized Krillin looking mother… *inhale* but that was because I was tired. I sat down to kill time before the shelters in the morn began to open. I decided to make base in Atlanta, because I knew leaving any further North would make it hard to return to Savannah with the ticket that I had. I was bound to Georgia, until court day.",Normal +28050,Today I logged on to my computer to have a few games with friends that I know. Before the games started I got into a discussion with a friend and a few points to take away from the conversation were: - People don't know how to react when I'm around because I'm overly sensitive. - People don't have the persistence to continue trying to help. - They don't feel like they can help so they've been avoiding me.,Normal +28051,"I legitimately do not know anyone who has survived this, and I feel like i'm not even human any more. As I type this, i'm sobbing, because it's all just so FUCKING truly disheartening. I used to be a person. I feel like a ghost now. Are there any steps I can take at all whatsoever to start my turn back into normalcy, or am I trapped inside of this until I either die or claw my way out of whatever hole i've fallen into?",Stress +28052,"Later in life she would try for children with my great Grandad hoping for a Daughter and have four Sons and then finally a daughter that would later die. Now she's the only one of her 9 brothers and sisters still alive. As sad as all that is, honestly if she hadn't told me I would never have known. My Nan is the most cheerful energetic and lovely almost 90 year old that I have ever met. She looks 20 years younger than she is, and although she has multiple cancers, she still spends every day looking after my great grandad who she's been together with since her parents died.",Normal +28053,"I understood that I was robbed of my innocence. I just wanted to hug the 15 year old version of myself and tell her that it would be okay. I have never verbalized these feelings. For the first time, I talked myself through them. For the first time, I felt comfortable talking to someone about it.",Normal +28054,"I take solo back packing trips and my friends really see me as someone fearless and free-spirited. It makes opening up about my mental health issues kinda difficult because they can't ""see"" me acting this way. I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues around my romantic relationships. I also have depersonalization issues, and want to be alone more often then not. I think the fact that I can be so outgoing and positive most of the time, my friends don't realize that I struggle quite a bit some days.",Stress +28055,etc. - Bob's father is always begging to let my daughter sleep in his bed. He takes opioids to sleep and once nearly died because his stove spilled smoke into the room and he didn't wake up. Bob sees no problem with allowing this. - Bob has been visiting prositutes since he left and doesn't use protection.,Normal +28056,"So, I survived years of physical and sexual abuse as a kid. I'm finally at the place in my counselling where my therapist and I both think I'm ready to work through it. I really like her and trust her, but the guided questions she asks remind me of how few specific details I actually remember. Today she had me close my eyes to focus on where in my body I was feeling my anger, and it was like I was whooshing through a tunnel until she wasn't in the room anymore, and my body felt all weird and flat, my head would feel gigantic and then absolutely minuscule, my hands would be gigantic and then my feet.....I don't know how to explain it. It's like that scene in Inside Out where the characters become abstract shapes for awhile?",Stress +28057,"Things got better in middle school (thankfully) but it’s sad how literally 5 years as a young child (when life was supposed to be good) were so rough and still affect my life to this day. My home life wasn’t super bad but school was a living hell. I was excluded from everything and still to this day I tend to view the world as harsh and unaccepting. Sorry for the rant, it’s just sad how cruel teachers and students can be in elementary school. Bullying in elementary school directly caused so many of my mental health issues.",Stress +28058,"She has a history of being extremely over the top, and in our most recent argument she verbally abused me just for because I was upset that she broke my trust by telling my personal details to someone I didn't know. She did apologize a good day later, but only very vaguely about using cuss words and in a ""I'm sorry you feel that way"" kind of sense. I'm guessing a traditional ""we need to talk, it's just not working out"" approach would just end up with her blowing up again, and since all my past relationships ended very amicably I'm not sure what to expect. Because she can be incredibly toxic, I've considered just blocking her and essentially ""ghosting,"" but I also feel like that would be very rude and she'd at least deserve an explanation. How do I break up with her without having her potentially flipping out at me?",Stress +28059,? What if I am at a friends party and a man whispers in my ear that he likes to stare at me so he can touch himself later....but he is dating my friend and he knows I don’t want to upset her?? ? What if I am in the car with a man and some lady cuts him off and he gets road rage and says he wants to “drag her out of the car by her hair and cut her nipples off” but then later says he “obviously didn’t mean it”?? ?,Stress +28060,"It feels very weird to feel like you have nothing to cry about, then cry, and then go back to not being sad right after you cry....) I just don't get it....I thought stress was something that built up over time....like you hop from 5 -> 6 after a few months of continued stress...Is that not how it works? Does stress fluctuate between 1 and 10 on a daily basis? And how much do ""stress relieving activities"" actually help? I just cried does that mean I'll go from 7 to 5?",Stress +28061,It’s gotten to the point where I feel like Tom is completely controlling me in the effort to “protect” me. He won’t let me go anywhere without him and when he is forced to leave me he calls me every half hour and panics and comes home if I don’t answer (I don’t purposefully not answer- occasionally I am napping or studying). I understand that the events were traumatic for Tom. I recognize that every time I go to a follow up medical appointment he is frightened. I understand that the fact that I still take medication scares him.,Stress +28062,"And I’ve come unglued over absolutely nothing in the past, but I will seize upon something in these moments, anything, and the vein of anxiety erupts like a volcano and I can’t breathe I’m shaking I’m numb. And he is there just reminding me, gently... this isn’t happening right now. This is your past, this isn’t our present. I’ve never lied to you. I’ve always kept my promises to you.",Stress +28063,I spent the next few years being extremely reckless and impulsive. My home life was never easy I had an odd relationship with most of my relatives except my mom who was probably the only reason why I am even stable to this day. My brother was always seen as the golden child and me as the problem child so I was constantly shamed by extended family for being so impulsive and reckless which we all know is common signs of PTSD in adolescents. I think my mom was ashamed of my initial assault and though I was able to get help I was never allowed to tell anyone about it and a lot of my extended family I didn't even tell until the last couple of years so this has left a strange dynamic for me of not knowing how I feel about telling people my story but also desperately wanting to share it. In 2011 I finally met my husband who is the only reason I'm even doing as successful as I am today.,Stress +28064,"Unfortunately, it also affects pretty much everything in my life, including working memory and everyday events. It didn't happen daily or even weekly, but I was always afraid that I might say or do something that can trigger it, so I always kept quiet and didn't say much, and I guess that's why my language did not develop properly either. The neuropsychologist I saw offered me books to read to learn more about my condition but did not give any other treatment options because the cause of my disorder was unknown. I was wondering if maybe now that I know why I most likely struggle with memory, I can go back to get more solid treatment options? If so, who should I see for help?",Stress +28065,"No, that's not an exaggeration but I wish I was. While I was driving last Tuesday I got extremely lightheaded, sweaty, and then pulled over and vomited blood all over the interior of my car. After a few moments of wonder if 'this was it' and deciding 'it definitely wasn't it, not on a highway' I snapped by myself back to what life was left and drove to the next exit to find help. My SO has a great summary of why this ended up costing so much money, but it's a sequence of very unfortunate events. That's even before the fact that while I was intubated and unconscious someone lifted the bag of all my clothes wallet.",Stress +28066,"Well, not big but petty. Look, I live around the area of my assaulters. If I ever run into them, I wish I could yell out,” rapist! You know what you did!” I wish there would be witnesses and that they’d get to think about it. Gosh, I know.",Normal +28067,"I've never even told anyone this because it makes me feel like a 32-year-old loser. But now I have no pride to lose by saying it, so there it is. **I don't want to die, but the thought of living in a place I hate and having no control of my future is a worse fate. ** I just need some HOPE. Thanks for listening.",Stress +28068,"Things can happen during the course of life that are all quite normal, then something happens to change our perceptions and suddenly we can remember something that previously appeared innocuous to us, but with our new found perspective, we can feel guilty about it. And we can feel guilty about things we have done, we can feel guilty about things we didn't do, but wish we had, and of course we can feel guilty for nothing at all. We don't have to have done something or omitted to do something in order to feel guilty. Others can make us feel guilty through their expectations of us. Expectations can lead to disappointment, and their feeling of disappointment can lead to our feeling of guilt.",Normal +28069,"She is in need of some house repairs and a reliable car. Her fixed income and family support isn't enough to get everything done. The van she’s driving has some serious problems. The transmission is dying and there's no heater or defroster. The lights, blinkers, and brakes don't always work right due to electrical problems.",Stress +28070,"However, this was 5 months ago and I have heard nothing about the referral. Things are going downhill (not with my eating, which is good! ), but my PTSD symptoms are loud. I'm not sleeping, my self harm has escalated and I'm struggling to leave my house. I'm also just about to lose my job because the company I work for is going under.",Stress +28071,"yesterday, I almost had sex with someone. but when it was happening, I felt only halfway there. and now my memory of it is hazy, and when I try to think about it I don't see it from my perspective, I see it from like above me. like it wasn't *actually*happening to me. I genuinely enjoy having sex, but I would like to know ways to lessen my trauma symptoms and stay present during it.",Stress +28072,"I realize that why I’m “ok” is because I am now past the acute phase of ptsd that I developed last year. The flashbacks are better- less often and less intense. I have learned to manage the panic attacks at work - I have a process to deal with these events now, and they often work. But the reason I’m really ok is because I don’t push myself at all to make friends, or date, or expand my life beyond work and my small world. I can’t expand it.",Normal +28073,Now my treatment has stopped this triggering from happening and sometimes think about moving back. If I do I will occasionally see places and buildings connected to bad memories. When visiting my town now I am OK seeing those places but I don't like it so I avoid them. My choices are moving back or sell and start a new life elsewhere. So I ask if anyone else have done a similar move back to your hometown and managed well?,Stress +28074,"I want to sit down and have a talk with my GF, but I don't want to roll in unprepared. Should I even be attempting to have this talk? If so, are there any books or reading materials I can go over to help back my case up? --- **tl;dr**: Looking for ways to talk to my GF about her daughters spoiled behavior.",Normal +28075,"when you first come face-to-face with a sociopath, you will be completely oblivious to who they truly are. they will be whoever they think you want them to be. they are fake. maybe it took him a while to show you his TRUE colors, maybe it was pretty close to the beginning. but the most important time was when you connected at the start.",Normal +28076,So my roommate recently moved out and our apartment is pretty empty and ever since she moved out i’ve had the worst anxiety attacks and have been kinda depending on my boyfriend and spending time with him to distract me but he works night and that’s when my anxiety is the absolute WORST. everything flutters through my head. like i think i’m annoying him by asking him to spend so much time with me?? (he’s never expressed this. he’s actually expressed the complete opposite which is nice) but i feel like i’m being too clingy and too annoying leading me to want to spend some alone time in my apartment but my apartment just makes me more sad because i’m alone and i feel useless like no one care???,Stress +28077,"Disability allowance doesn't seem like it would be enough to cover even just my rent, never mind food (for me and my pets) and lighting and heating. I can't take my cat and my dog into a shelter. I don't know what to do. I feel like I just have to come to terms with how he is and learn to live with it but I'm miserable all the time. I don't have any friends anymore.",Stress +28078,But Someone asked me if I needed a shirt and gave me one. I asked to call my mom but she couldn't understand what I was saying so he told her. The ambulance showed up and I told the cops that my boyfriend beat me but I wasn't giving any more information. The ambulance lady told me that if I refused to go with her she would take me against my will because I was exhibiting signs of head trauma. I went.,Normal +28079,"*Road to homelessness. * I develop the idea that I was going to die young, at around 21 yrs old. I dont remember how I came to this idea but this was it. I was obsessed by this idea.",Normal +28080,"It was only thanks to a few friends (and a few wonderful strangers here on Reddit) that I was able to pay our electric bill, but doing so drained all of the money we had on hand, and once we used the food we had from the food bank (we can only go once a month here) we are now totally out of most things. At the moment, we can't even do laundry because we don't have the quarters, but that's a smaller problem compared to no food. If anyone wants to help, my sister and I made a wishlist that I'm including here. Any help is greatly appreciated! [Amazon ",Normal +28081,"Hi Im a 19 year old kid dealing with Agoraphobia over the past year. Very boldly said, Agoraphobia is the fear of going to public places, sometimes to even leave the house. The past week, some very unpleasant things have happened in my household. I told my parents about what I've been dealing with a while back.",Stress +28082,"Well, last time we fought, I did finally call. I was so fucking scared and while he hid in the basement with all the doors locked and light off, the cops took pictures of my hands and neck while I asked them over and over not to arrest him. They told me it will be up to the judge when he sees the pictures. Well, what do you know, he got a warrant. He didn't show up to the first court date so I know he's in even more trouble now.",Normal +28083,"A guy pulls up and said the cops are on the way. He gives me a ride and we just get out of the parking lot when cops are all over, bugging everyone...especially the homeless and kids skating and stuff. We saw a few people getting arrested, but just cops messing with people. 2 good things came out of all this. I didn't get busted and I made a new friend who got me lunch and wants to see me.",Normal +28084,"There's nothing I can say or do that will alleviate her worries. In the past I've tried to solve things but that doesn't help. I've tried just listening and agreeing or offering comments like ""that does sound bad"" or ""I understand"" but those don't seem to help either. Does anyone have advice on what I can do or say to not cause anger or start a fight? I'm at a loss as to what I need to do or be for her.",Stress +28085,"But I'm not physically attracted to him. Normally personality does a lot for me. I've met guys who I didn't feel attracted to and then started to really like because of their personalities (and vice versa). I go through days where I skype this guy and like the idea of him and feel like I can be physically attracted to him, but there are other days I don't feel anything physically. We are very long distance at the moment, so we've haven't had any face to face in person time for the past month (he's moving in 5 months).",Normal +28086,"My sickness couldn't be diagnosed at the time w/o insurance. I was too ill to remain in NYC so had to move home. Fast forward to Jan 2014, living with my father in Ohio-I woke up paralyzed from the waist down on the left hand side of my body (lasted almost two months). Finally got the testing I needed: diagnosis MS. I also have Fibromyalgia, OA in my knees, central sleep apnea, MDD, and other various health issues.",Normal +28087," I just stop doing productive things, talking to people, remembering appointments, etc. I am unemployed and almost broke but looking for work is causing me to feel like I can't swallow or get a full breath. I find that I have played video games all day, surfed Reddit or this morning I read reviews on a book that is coming out for almost 2 hours. I am not on meds though I am trying Gaba since I had some anyway. To make it even more fun, my sister is mad at me because I am ""chronically self centered"" because I forgot to get back to her about possibly getting together for dinner, because I am shut down.",Stress +28088,"I really need help! My boyfriend and I started dating March of 2017, and we had been friends for a couple years before that. For the first 7 months of our relationship, we were inseparable. We sleep in the same bed almost every night, though we are not moved in together (this comes into play later). We made each other very happy, and there was very minimal tension.",Normal +28089,"But I was feeling more and more lonely... like I couldn't trust or rely on her. It was tearing me to pieces and I was always anxious. Finally, after a breakdown I had on christmas over my fears and the lack of help from my partner in healing from this, she broke up with me. I went home the next day and we haven't spoken since. I've been devastated.",Stress +28090,"7. This study will include only participants who are 18 years and older. Please send us a private message if you are interested in participating. Once you contact us, we will send you a link to the screening questionnaire to see if you qualify and to tell you more about the study. Please note: If you participated in this study at any point in 2016 through Vanderbilt University, unfortunately you are not eligible to participate again.",Normal +28091,"The past few nights I have been drifting off to sleep and then I get the sensation that I'm falling and jerk awake. This happens for hours. I forget the scientific name for this, but it doesn't really matter. I've had it happen before to me, but never like 50 times in a row that prevents me from sleeping. Like fucking why?",Stress +28092,Wtf. I did this to myself. I knew I needed to study and I just kept putting it off and putting it off. I knew I didn’t do well but I didn’t think I bombed it so fucking hard. I’m going to have to lie to everyone about it.,Stress +28093,"For the remaining money, it is going toward the mother's back pay to the district and continue to supplement the personal care attendant, as a bonus to the compensation from the state agency. I'm out of other ideas on what more can we do to support this woman and her daughter? We setup a Gofundme page but I can't link it here at the moment. I'm trying to get anyones attention who would listen or offer any assistance. Thank You Reddit for all your help in advance.",Normal +28094,I drove the 10 minutes home with my fiance on the phone helping me count my breathing. I got home and collapsed. I couldn't breathe. My neck and chest hurt. I was hysterical.,Stress +28095,"Today we had a really bad fight and she’s at home while I’m outside... I don’t think I can go back anymore and I have nowhere to go, with the very little money I have on me and only the vaguest sense of what to do. I’m an 18 year old non binary and have had a shitty relationship with my mom ever since my dad left when I was 8. I live in a drug heavy area that is riddled with gangs and is definitely not safe at night. Shelters nearby are full, I don’t have a car, and no friends or family to turn to.",Stress +28096,"Therefore, it should probably come as no surprise that I sprung the question of ""What exactly are we doing here?"". Well, that backfired, as he alluded to the fact he was too freshly out of a long term relationship and didn't want to commit yet (Jason had been single for more than a year and it was a 3 year relationship). I bit my tongue until it bled and told him that was okay because we had more friends in common by that point, despite saying I needed some direct space for a few weeks or more. Unfortunately, what followed could have not been more violent. Not the type of physical violence, but emotional tension and turmoil fueled by running into each other at social settings and by alcohol.",Stress +28097,"But I do not even think the therapist is supposed to actually care, she actually seems to, but I cannot understand it. I did not start therapy because I thought she would care, I started therapy because I jumped off a bridge 1 year ago and I have an 18 and 21 year old brother and sister who are too young to process a suicide, it would be wrong, so therapy is the thing I figured. Now I feel like it is all that I live for, a part of me really likes how kindly she is. But another part of me feels tied down these days, I am getting tired of this town and want to pick up my pack and go on down that open road just as I have 16 times in these past 15 years and she is the only reason I don't.",Stress +28098,"I've been seeing the same one since then, and she'd helped me process so much, help me recognize and start to move past a lot of things... I went from hating and fearing my father (since the incident with my sister, which had ended up triggering the memory of being told that I was to blame for the marital issues, among other things) to the point I couldn't even be around him at family or friend gatherings without feeling anxious and wanting to flee, to being able to accept the things that happened in the past, and remind myself that they are in the past, and be able to interact with him again, even if I don't really feel any familial love for him anymore. I care about him, his wellbeing, but... That familial bond isn't there, he killed it the he came to retrieve his stuff, a couple days after walking out... The only time I ever stood up to him. He made some snide remark about my mother, and I told him to go ahead and run from his problems like he always does, and he backed me into a corner and shook me, screamed over me when I collapsed, until my mother came home and made him leave.",Stress +28099,"With all of this garbage happening to me, I find it hard to keep my chin up and to not be negative. By anticipating the worst and vocalizing it, I feel as though I have a better chance of avoiding the worst, because I'm still suffering (making myself unlikable or making a fool of myself). Additionally, if the situation turns out better than expected, I will be pleasantly surprised, and not let down when something goes wrong. Because of this, my relationship with my family is horrible as well. I don't want to lose one of my few friends over this, but I have no idea how to change or if such a thing is even possible.",Stress +28100,"It feels great, but I'm worried. I tried to kill myself one year and one month ago. I am prone to depression. I am worried about crashing too hard, and I have kids to care for. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?",Stress +28101,"Eventually I reported the texts, as they kept coming, and I recieved verbal backlash from his friends for doing it (I live in a small community, running into him or his buddies all the time). Then, radio silence. I felt minor relief every day I didn't hear from him, or his friends. After his second appearance in court, he pled not guilty to charges of uttering threats and assault. I was shocked.",Stress +28102,"It's been about a year and a half since the event that set my mental health for a loop. After going to group counseling for months with no improvement, I decided to seek out an individual therapist. I didn't get one until a almost year after the event itself. Now, finally, 5 months later, I've been able to see a psychiatrist who officially diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and PTSD. I decided to get a workbook and my therapist and I are going to start the long journey of getting through my PTSD!",Normal +28103,I don't know what to do right now. I'm having so much anxiety and I feel that there is no hope for me right now. It took a lot of effort to post this. I panic very easily. I also have trust issues.,Stress +28104," Two of my best friends for the last 10 years are drifting away from me. I got diagnosed with PTSD 1½ year ago, and back then they were very supportive. But in the last 6-9 months; in fact, almost ever since early retirement funded by the government got on the table, they havn't contacted me that much. Normally, we write through email, but it's been around 3 months since I last got an email from them. Yesterday, I took initiative and wrote them both CC.",Normal +28105,"Help me out here, fellow anxious, if we gather maybe we could create an elaborate plan to help me avoid this, idk I have phone phobia. These are really important conversations that I'll be calling to have and a lot depends on my explaining things and my demeanour and a lot of things could go so terribly wrong and I'm just so absolutely socially inept and phone calls are one of the worst ways for me to say words and make sense and - please help. 😔😔",Stress +28106,"What would your arguments be? To me it seems that the same reasoning would have to be behind the "" male cancer"" types: do not be afraid to get it checked out, value your body to pay attention to the deviations, and be aware of the actions you have to take to identify the problem and survive. Your comments and contributions are welcome. If this is not the appropriate subreddit to ask this, please suggest other subreddits to post this to. Thanks",Normal +28107,"also this week I posted about being excited about going home for the summer and she replied with ""Super stoked for you to come home this summer (Winky Emoji). I of course reciprocate the compliments etc. So, My question is this. I want to do a little something for her for valentines day. We have been talking for about a month now.",Normal +28108,I have mustered up the courage to be a bit more uh public I guess with my problems. If you have questions feel free to ask. Also thank you for reading this post in general! I hope you have an excellent day! (Also why is every letter capitalized in the posts are the mods Jaden Smith?),Normal +28109,I got upset and called the dogs in and closed the door. When he came in he avoided me at first and when I confronted him about lying and sneaking around he defended it by saying it's my fault that I'm not okay with it. I've never been okay with it and i feel like I've been lead on throughout this entire relationship. The fact that he would prioritizing getting high over comforting me really hurts my feelings. I'm tired of feeling like a plant is more important then me.,Stress +28110,"That could be defeated by National Post printing a rebuttal, strongly worded and well researched (the antithesis of the illiterate vendetta piece Cosh wrote and Owens supported) explaining the science behind PTSD Service dogs: science that has been peer reviewed and minutely studied since 2002. But sadly, as of now the National Post refuses to stand by the oath of all journalists that speaks to integrity and education.   >Brian here: If a politician said something this stupid, they’d be sent for a sensitivity class and left off the nomination papers next election. A team player would be fined.",Normal +28111,"I started to get depressed but was personally unaware. My wife started to notice that I wasn't eating, was moody, not sleeping, and laying in bed all day. She asked me if I was ok and I... broke down. All emotions came to a tipping point and I started whaling in tears. I told her I had been thinking about suicide.",Stress +28112,"The vehicle then hit a tree and went into the river. He was able to get out the vehicle but the rapids of the river were too strong and he couldn't save his girlfriend and his son. He then had to find a house or someone with a phone to call 911. Once rescue came, they also couldn't save his girlfriend and son due to the water being too high and dangerous. And all occupants passed away in that accident.",Normal +28113,"I wondered if anyone else had a similar place that they always found themselves in. I can't decide if it's healthy or not since most of the traumatic things that happened at home were in that space. I'll find myself camped out, sobbing on the floor, but can't really pinpoint why it's the place I always seek out. Secondly; if it's not helping me recover, how can I make the rest of my house more appealing? I'm not consciously choosing to end up in the kitchen it's just where I go.",Stress +28114,"I do take a bath with febreze and alsobtake care of my teeth with toothbrush, toothpaste, floss and mouth wash. As for food, I go to the Dollar Tree (or any other store) and only buy $1 items like chips, canned goods with an opener, big bags of popcorn, etc and keep a lot of shopping bags to be used for trash bags. For drinks, luckily for me, there's a $0.25 soda machine beside the store. I also sign up for points cards cause they are very important for me to use later on. When I clean, I go nearby one of those vaccum stations, take the trash out, vacuum the mess I made, and spay febreze everywhere.",Normal +28115,I once went to the hospital and needed hand surgery so I messaged her when I found out and said “hey mom I’m in the hospital I’m having surgery tonight thought I would let you know.” She never came to visit and she never even asked what kind of surgery it was. What do I do? I feel like I’m nothing but I burden and I just wanna disappear. I rebelled and did my own thing as a teenager because I was so hurt from what I had been through is it normal for her to hold it against me? She just sees me as the fuck up causing her annoyance.,Stress +28116,"I'm trying to figure out what I learned that is good from it. but all I can think of is that I learned no one can be trusted including myself, people are inconsistent and unstable, people don't know themselves, if love exists then it doesn't mean much, and even if you truly believe that someone else cares about you and wants you in their life to the point where you finally don't question it, they can cut you off and start treating you like you're worthless without a moment's notice. the more I process what happened the more I realize there is truly no hope for me finding the kind of relationship I hope for, and there is really nothing else worth living for besides that. so, fun stuff. right?",Stress +28117,"I'm gonna try and keep this as short as possible> We met 6 months ago and it was instant chemistry. We fell in love pretty quickly and we used to talk all the time about how surprised we were at our feelings and how we had never felt like this before. Anyway a month ago he started calling less, he would still drive the few hours to come and see me but the communication between us seeing each other was lacklustre. I'm not usually clingy but we used to talk on the phone several times a day. this turned into a 5 minute call.",Stress +28118,I made a decision that I had enough of this fear and I was going to die fighting and not be afraid anymore. I reached this point a few years ago. It is a wonderful thing to sleep peacefully. I was tired of wanting to sleep in my trunk in my car (in my garage) because I was afraid of sleeping alone in houses. I was tired of sleeping on the sofa or on the floor of different rooms just to avoid sleeping in bedrooms because of fear.,Normal +28119,"Since I was fifteen my stepdad, when he returns home from work, drunk. Always ask me to massage his naked back by stepping on it almost every night. Even if it's midnight, he'll make my mom wake me up, even tho I don't want to. But I'll comply because I was afraid to refuse as he could get quite angry if I do so. I don't know what's going on inside my mom's head at that time, but I just assume that she's too powerless, too afraid of my stepdad.",Stress +28120,"This is a first person group, so you need to be the person with a disorder to participate. To join visit our site or check out our Instagram: We believe we are stronger together, which is why peer support is so helpful and important. Care when you need it; care for others when you can. If you are under 18, you can find a link to our 13\+ server on the website and instagram. \-Zen",Normal +28121,He says he doesn’t want to go to therapy (I know that’s the usual suggestion) Are there things we can do to work through this slump? Is it better to make him go out a little each day or is that too much? I don’t want to make it worse. Thanks for the help Tl;dr: how can I help my uninterested boyfriend.,Normal +28122,"I suddenly became very weak, dizzy, and tired..spending days in bed. Never had a real fever..docs put it down to a post viral fatigue from something I had caught..I would get better for a few days then I would ""crash"" again. It wasn't until I had had countless tests done that came back clean..and went to the ER one last time in desperation to figure out what was wrong that the doc sent me to the pysch as he suspected depression and anxiety (I had lost 10lbs by then..and didn't weigh much to begin with). I was diagnosed with moderate-severe clinical depression and anxiety..the pysch ruled out CFS and lyme etc since my symptoms would come and go and kept changing by the day. Was prescribed ssri meds..but this gave me the worst panic attack I have experienced in my life..aaand another ambulance ride..",Stress +28123,"The man who abused me, his mother is a political figure. I SUSPECT she is using her wealth and influence to keep her sons abuse secret. The family has been blaming me for my abuse, denying it happened, threatenung me into changing my story, and generally defaming my character. I can't prove it but suspect this may have happened to a girl before me. Is there a way to expose this family?",Stress +28124,"Hi Everyone, We're starting a company that will be operating in the self-help space. Put shortly, we are developing a research-based training program that educates users about the science of well-being and how to integrate the principles into their own lives. We will be providing tools that are both educational and immediately actionable, such as books, YouTube videos, and web-based learning modules. To make this effective, we need some information about your perception of the self-help field, prior knowledge of it, and current approach to your own well-being.",Normal +28125,I don't know how to mention this to my SO without seeming like Mulder. EDIT. Clearly what i need to do is just talk to her about it. I have a couple of examples in mind that will drive the point home. Mainly the first night i was introduced to everyone and a house warming we went to.,Normal +28126,"The person needs to have in some manner lived out these fantasies, for example via an ongoing sexual relationship with a child. The person is atleast 16 years of age and atleast 5 years older than the child. I was 13 when this happened, had more or less *just* entered puberty, she was 19, and more than 5 years older. Was this abuse? Were I abused as a child?",Normal +28127,"Attachment and a secure base are the two things a PTSD survivor does not have. Fixing that is key in their recovery. It allows survivors to reconnect with family and the world at large.   Social level: Sachs-Ericsson & mates all the way back in 2002, go figure, found that individuals with service dogs were less isolated socially and felt more comfortable when initiating social interactions with others, also increased a survivors social desirability (note also that Henry & Crowley 2011 found that a survivors sense of self-worth as well as murturance were enhanced exponentially by having a service dog).",Normal +28128,"And really, that's why I'm typing this post. I want to know for certain if I was witnessing a domestic violence incident (feel free to delete this post if otherwise - again, this is a throwaway, so I don't mind), if there's anything I could and/or should have done differently there, and if there's anything I can do to help in case this happens again (which knowing my job, it will). I'm wondering if I should have slipped her info to a hotline, or lied about calling the police, or *something* - in the back of my mind, I keep telling myself there was something I could have done here. Any ideas? EDIT: In case it isn't clear, I DID call the police - I just didn't inform them of my domestic violence suspicions until they arrived, due to what happened between the call and their arrival.",Stress +28129,"Ive always loved coffee, but recently I have gotten a few panic attacks around lunch time (i'm assuming when the coffee wears off). I'm not sure how to tell whether the coffee is the issue or not. Anyone have any good alternatives to coffee to solve this issue? I miss it.... Please include details and experience in your suggestions.",Normal +28130,"She angrily threw the blanket I wanted on my side of the bed and I told her that I didn't want to sleep in bed any more, so I was going to sleep on the couch. She knows that the doctors said not to do that, but she didn't seem to care, which to me is more evidence that she doesn't care that much about my health. As I was gathering up my things to leave the room, I got more heated and called her a bitch for caring less about me than the inanimate objects we own. She got up and literally pushed me. I'm not very big, and while I pushed back for a while, she eventually pushed me out of the room and slammed the door.",Normal +28131,"It sucks. I know I need help. I want to get help. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood (at least 10 years, possibly longer). I forgot the memories for a long time but now I'm finally getting them back and it's freaking me out.",Stress +28132,"We have been together for a little over 2 years now, and high school is nearly over. He’s been wanting to move to Toronto for a while now and I had considered moving there for university too. However, I plan on staying at home (Toronto is only 4 hours away). I would say things about how awesome it would be if we moved in together or visit each other. Never once did he mention he did not want a long distance relationship.",Normal +28133,"I stopped, looked down, looked at her. I took her hand, took a step onto the other side, into the other city. I turned to face her and took her other hand. I looked into her deep eyes and said, “This is the first city we’ve traveled to together, may we travel to many more”. I pulled her over the city line and kissed her.",Normal +28134,"​ ​ I have decided I have spent too long letting Anxiety win. I don't just want to be informed with Anxiety anymore, I want to be an expert at understanding every aspect of it.",Normal +28135,"Hi, all. I'm manager of my department now, at the company I've worked at for over 4 years. I was offered the position once before about a year and a half ago, but I turned it down because I felt I wasn't ready. I was offered again a couple months ago, and I took it because nobody else was available to take it. I actually started the day my son was born (which is its own set of anxieties, but one that I don't find overwhelming - in fact, I find it rewarding.)",Normal +28136,"But, for now, and until I'm on the proper road to recovery, I just feel no need to have sex and it worries me more than anything. He says sex is natural and in-the-moment, but I find myself having to plan everything down to what to say and do in advance. Sex just doesn't come naturally to me. This has been posing a major threat to my sexual identity, and I fear if I initiate tomorrow I'll just burst into tears in the middle of it all. I'm so, so scared.",Stress +28137,"But the second time I was getting off the bus, and as I turned to walk up my street, I noticed him driving up beside me and commencing the same pattern. Black tinted windows, license plate obscurer, but looked out-of-state. Made a police report the first time, just went straight to the precinct the second time. I was speaking with a victim advocate when two officers took an interest in the case, and began explaining intimidation stalking to me. They asked if I had any abusive relationships.",Normal +28138,"It was an honour to do it for this amazing man and example of manhood at its most heroic, courageous and incisive inteligence of a surgeon working with a loaded gun to their head, RPGs exploding 10 feet away.   **Please share your stories and comments.",Normal +28139,"I was a little confused at what they meant so her husband decided to meet me and talk to me about what was going on. The way that he put it, he was saying that my husband wouldn't get physical from what he could tell, but there are boundaries that he passed. Unfortunately, he couldn't provide any examples because he couldn't remember what was said, but he could remember the feeling that he had, and it was disgust. This was during the holiday season when their company had an influx of new people and they would be gone within a few weeks because the work they do is very physical and not a lot of people can handle it. My friends husband told me and quote, ""There's friendship, there's flirting, which he did but its innocent because everyone flirts, but then there's certain boundaries that you don't say to someone else while being in a commited relationship or marriage with someone else and he was doing that.""",Normal +28140,He accidentally held my throat too tight and the marks of his affections remained on my long after he was a memory. He pulled out my tears and scared my face pale so not one person could see the marks of blood left on my neck. Then my world was dipped in white tint so no one could observe the taint behind my devastation. The color of my skin and the color of the fear were almost a perfect match although my fear was clearly a shade lighter than what was underneath. Who could know?,Normal +28141,(I suffer from Major Depression/Anxiety/Fibromyalgia and I wrote this as an example of what I feel on an average day so that people who don't have mental illness can understand) Hollowed out doesn't quite cover the feeling. Because inside this shell are millions of raw nerve endings feeling everything that brushes by. Everything is so raw. Between the mental and physical pain it's incredibly hard to stay grounded.,Stress +28142,"I don't ""feel"" in this anymore, but I honestly can't tell if I just can't let bygones be bygones or if I'm looking at this objectively. If I do break it off, it's going to crush her personally AND add the awkwardness of her telling her friends and family its off. So I don't want to do it unless it's you know, really what's needed. And if I do leave, how do I mitigate someone who has threatened suicide at the action of me leaving? **edit**: Thanks everyone.",Stress +28143,He’s claiming I beat him in that fight. I had to go to court and be treated like I was the abuser and the whole time he sat there next to me. A protection order was written and I nor my daughter can go home. I have a 30 day to vacate of face eviction from my landlord and I lost my job over all of this. My pre trial is next month and my lawyer seems like he has no idea about my case.,Stress +28144,"Hello So I've had chronic social anxiety since I can remember. I had a pretty traumatic childhood, which has resulted in me being socially awkward, and very nervous in social setting. Fast forward to this week- I've been invited to a party this weekend. I would love to go, but to be honest, I'm very scared to go.",Stress +28145,"I've been feeling off the past day where I felt I was gonna get sick and just felt weird, I'm at my dads house visiting and have diarrhea now and my back hurts, I think it's from this bed. And now I'm starting to tell myself maybe I'm having a heart attack. Maybe I felt chest pain a second ago, but can't tell if it was real or not?? Someone tell me I'm crazy and I'm ok",Stress +28146,"I feel terrible because we never do anything fun. We never go to the zoo or go to the movies because it’s usually too late and I’m too drained by the time I pick him up. Needless to say this lifestyle is absolutely killing me. I am miserable. I have zero friends, I see my wife a few hours a week because of our opposite schedules and I’m drained.",Stress +28147,My sleep patterns are erratic because I don't want to sleep anymore. Is it normal to have PTSD with nightmares EVERY time I sleep? Every time? My psychologist has started trying to slowly desensitize me by showing me pictures and videos of what disturbs me: this is currently making things worse. How long until I start to see improvements?,Stress +28148,"Hello. I am new here, but I thought I would share a a bit of my story. I came onto Reddit three months ago for the survivor subs. I have been in therapy five months, and it has helped a great deal. I never sought any help before, I had one bad experience with therapy a decade ago, and never went back, I didn't figure I was helpable.",Normal +28149,"I (A Minor Male) am posting onto this subreddit, because My girlfriend's (A Minor Female) family has gone through a 'break-up' and an unwanted 'reuniting' of sorts. We'll call My girlfriend ""Linda"". ""Linda's"" immediate family consists of Her mother, Her grandmother, and Her sister. The most notable interaction that the Father, Bill, had with the family was drunkenly banging on Linda's mother's window *early* in the morning. Bill walked out for reasons unknown to me about 16 years ago after the birth of Linda .",Normal +28150,"I'm fat, unattractive, unmotivated, and best of all six figures in student loan debt and not even graduated yet! I'll never be able to afford living on my own so there goes the last little bit of hope for dating, though relationships don't seem great to me anyway. I've fucked up my future lol. I have constant stomach pains and stiff pains everywhere from all the anxiety I feel on 24/7 basis. Also my health is declining as well, so that's fun.",Stress +28151,"Friends and loved ones (who don't have anxiety) keep telling me to relax and since it's such a busy place it's nothing personal and to not think it worry about it. Which I'm sure is 100% true but not matter how many times it's said anxiety never believes it. I start my next shift in 30 minutes and stating to freak out and have small panic attacks which haven't happened in a while. I've been so good about keeping my anxiety in control and not putting myself in anxious situations, and this job pushed that (being the public eye and fucking up is one my biggest triggers) but the pay and reputation of the company is widely known and it's one of the most wanted jobs in my town. Does anyone have any advice or maybe gone thru something similar and came out on top?",Stress +28152,"I don’t know how it’s physically possible to be this anxious on this level of medication. To be fair my anxiety and racing thoughts about going back to the first employer are so bad that I can’t even really watch TV, so healthy coping mechanisms are pretty sparse. I’m really only posting this because I seriously can’t believe that a) I can physiologically sustain this and b) that I still have been going to work every day. I guess I come home and break down every day too, so there’s that. I wish so bad I hadn’t done that, and it’s like my brain is living in this loop of both regret and fear, as well as rage at myself for thinking that would be the answer.",Stress +28153,I would never think of having a talk like that with my ex and not telling my GF. It seems to be lying by omission in a relationship where we agreed there would be no secrets. Should I confront her? Suggestions on how to broach this? ---,Normal +28154,"I have a short term plan, but nothing long term at all. I’m assuming she’s going to shut off my phone in the next 24 hours, so I’ll have no access to texting or calling services until fiancé can afford to put me on his plan. Unfortunately, he may lose his job because he was living with me and my mom. Today we had a really bad fight and she’s at home while I’m outside... I don’t think I can go back anymore and I have nowhere to go, with the very little money I have on me and only the vaguest sense of what to do.",Stress +28155,"Days where it is really good, and days where you are anxious seemingly out of nowhere? It's like the brain is running on some sort of cycle or something. Like a circadian rhythm but an anxiety rhythm? EDIT: Found this article after posting, it's super helpful and if I didn't put it here some of you may have missed it. Take a read right now, it's worth it!",Normal +28156,"I'm not exaggerating in that I legitimately, 100%, thought I was going to die. I don't think I've ever been so scared. I keep a diary and reading back on what I wrote at that time makes me cry at the memory. Something else new I've been experiencing is numbness. I've never felt numb before but it's been happening more lately.",Stress +28157,"I'm sharing this in case it helps anyone else like me. Some other ideas that were suggested by other people when I posted this elsewhere include voting early if your state allows it, and researching the candidates ahead of time (League of Women Voters is good for this: If anyone has anything else to add to this list, feel free! And remember that elections in the US are in exactly one week, November 6. 1. PLAN AHEAD.",Normal +28158,Suddenly everyone in the family was doing as she wished to appease her. FH is her youngest and always around when she has 'flares'. She has refused medication which made her flares better for fear of the side effects (palpitations). The flares make her cry and demand death come sooner. His sister is much less involved and appears to have the same POV I do about his mother's illness.,Normal +28159,"I feel so damaged by my childhood that I feel like I could never be fixed. Everything he's said is true about me. I am stupid, crazy, cunt, bitch, whore, and people only want me for my body. I feel so ready to just go. I hate myself so much.",Stress +28160,"She hangs up; told me she was going to; but she leaves. That was a bit frightening. But I guess at that stage the police were already here, because the abuse from him starts. “Oh you actually called the fucking cops did you?” “Why would you call the fucking cops?” “I can’t believe you’d call the fucking cops”. Three days later, I’ve just checked the phone.",Stress +28161,"When she was an infant, she would play with her when she was told to leave her alone. She would do things she wasn't supposed to. She often acted like Grace was her child. It didn't help that Anna is mature looking at 5'8"", and was often asked if Grace was her baby. Around when Grace was 18 months, I got asked less and less to watch her, and Anna was doing it.",Normal +28162,"My heart races and my hands start to sweat, I immediately feel as if I need to pee and then worry as there’s no bathroom (on the train at least). The unknown is the problem here – how long will I be trapped? I know this is stupid – I know I am fine, I know in all likelihood we will be moving again shortly, but it’s the constant what ifs that set me off. I look around and everyone else looks perfectly calm – perhaps mumbling at the inconvenience, but I am gripped with fear. I hate it.",Stress +28163,"Let alone his assault charges from beating her, RIGHT? If it did, what would be her options with the issue of the lease she wouldn't be able to afford? I desperately want to help her with this situation. I feel like if I can help her and choose not to, anything that happens to her becomes my fault. I refuse to let that happen.",Stress +28164,I would also be so grateful if you could just pray for her and our family during this time. Also if anyone is familiar with this type of serious health issue I would be so glad to hear about it so I know more about what she is fighting. They have told us the cultures came back streptococcus pneumoniae one of the most common forms of strep. Thanks for reading. ,Normal +28165,"I'm not mad, but it makes it very hard to compete as I'm quickly figuring out that my school was fairly easy and I did not try very hard. Which yes it is my fault, but I didn't think I was going to have to compete with the best of the best. Just know the course well. I have always been able to apply myself, endless amounts of will power with a drive to learn. So yeah I thought I could learn what I needed to know, but it's more than that, it's knowing EVERY little fucking thing about everything because that's how much everyone else knows.",Stress +28166,"Needless to say that is all a lie from him, He is here from DSS/Social Services just like I am. What I am worried about is my safety and security. This guy is obviously mentally ill and a drug addict and alchie, and now I am really concerned that he will do something to me because I stood up to him and his nonsense bullshit. How should I proceed....Call Social Services and turn him in? or call the police next time he harasses me?",Stress +28167,"I am not even sure what to say. My girlfriend was really, really mad. Not at my family, they're just basing this off what they hear, but at my sister. And honestly, I am really mad too. What the fuck could she be saying about me?",Stress +28168,"Hi Everyone, I've been dating my GF for about 10 months, and everything is pretty good with the relationship. I think the two biggest weaknesses are my clinginess and her sometimes-poor communication skills. I like to express how I feel, and I'd much rather talk about the elephant in the room, whereas she likes to sweep things under the rug. We met at college, and her girlfriends from school have a group of guy friends.",Normal +28169," He grew from a short, stubby, orange haired, freckle faced, awkward boy into a seemingly strong, tattooed, pierced, tall, ginger, man I thought I always wanted. From the time I was 13, I thought he loved me. I didn't know why, but he told me often; on the phone, through letter. I was the girl he thought he could never get. I was out of his league (his words).",Normal +28170,"And my nightmares are a terrifying mix of intense body horror and trauma flashbacks. So I wake up even more tired and in pain which makes me miserable during the day. So now I'm having my chronic pain flaring up, my other PTSD symptoms kicking my ass, my other mental illnesses acting up, and on top of that I'm too tired from the nightmares to do anything about it. I just can't fucking win. I'm so so tired.",Stress +28171,"I can get from feeling super bad (aka anxiety) to feeling super good with just one single thought (they're, most of the times, exaggerated). And then, with another thought I can get from feeling super good to feeling super bad. This is a matter of just seconds and these switchs can last for hours, stop and then come back again. When I get the bad feelings it's just awful and the only way I can cope with them is thinking of a way of killing myself. Then, when I get the good ones, I completely forget about the sensation the bad ones gave me and I see the bright side.",Stress +28172,"We could make the money up but by that point the next rent check will be due. We managed to borrow $450 from friends/family but that's all we can get. I'm asking for anyone with a big heart to please lend us support. Like I said up top, I understand $650 is a lot of money. We will repay when we can recover from this blow.",Normal +28173,It can take weeks until the problem is solved or I realise I was anxious over nothing. Recently I'm moving home due to family circumstances and it's something I didn't want to really do yet but I am having to and the place I'm moving to is lovely but I'm really anxious over it and whether I'm doing the right thing. These thoughts I'm having are causing this really dark awful feeling. Is this feeling common? I wondered if this feeling is my intuition but I don't believe it is I think it's purely anxiety.,Stress +28174,"Hi everybody, I'm a 22 year old male who has had extreme depression and anxiety issues since I was 12 years old. I was also a competitive swimmer growing up and these issues started flaring up when I was moved into an age group with a very strict and demanding groups. 1.5 hour swimming sessions (4k yards) 6 days a week with a 30 minute dryland practice everyday or every other day, I believe. I had swam maybe one meet before getting placed into this group and was completely overwhelmed.",Stress +28175,"Hi, this is my first Reddit post. I have searched the internet regarding anxiety in online gaming and there seem to be people who have it. That's kind of a relief for me. I would like to play with people with these issues, because I imagine that I'll feel a certain level of comfort knowing that we have the same issue.",Normal +28176,"Over the past couple of years I've been getting increasingly afraid of road trips. I've been terrified of dying in car accidents. I don't know entirely knowing where this fear is coming from. I was in a super minor fender bender as a teenager but that was it. In college, I lived in a city with insane traffic and regular accidents but I never experienced an accident myself.",Stress +28177,This isn’t so much a cry for help but I just want to rant about all my problems somewhere and this seems like the place. I’ve had anxiety for a few years now but this year I’m full on depressed. I’ve considered running away so many fucking time but I always feel bad for those I’m trying to leave. I’ve never self harmed (thankfully) but I’m always bummed out and paranoid. College is surprisingly the only thing that doesn’t make me anxious.,Stress +28178,"Perhaps as a result I feel awful about wanting more from him, I feel like it's incredibly ungrateful of me because he does do so much good for me and is really good to me in so many ways. Especially with my depression and stuff he deals with a lot of household stuff in addition to working way more than I do. I feel like shit for writing this post. **TL;DR - SO of over a decade is great to me in many ways and shit to me in other ways, I feel awful when he's shit to me but also feel guilty as fuck about expressing it because of all the times he's amazing to me. Wondering if this is emotional abuse and if it is, what can I do about it?",Stress +28179,"I also get really painful cramps/periods every month. I do not share this with the people I work with because I do not want to ""complain"" nor do I think it is any of their business! Today, I asked to leave at lunch time, because I was in a lot of pain, I had terrible cramps, and actually bled through my pants! Embarrassing! The secretary told me it was no problem.",Stress +28180," 18 And Under is a confidential support charity for young survivors of abuse of any kind. If you want to chat about anything, visit the support forum and hang around to find a member of support staff (such as myself) who will do their best to support you through whatever you are going through. We are based in Dundee, Scotland (UK) but have supported survivors from all over the world. Those who are local, or are willing to make the trip, we have Centre in Dundee where you can talk to volunteers and support staff in person.",Normal +28181,"I need help. My partner's house is a mess. That is an understatement, he has over 60 empty beverage containers on his coffee table, he has over 30 fruit flies flying around, and the odour is disgusting. I don't know what to do, it's getting harder and harder for me to go over there. It worries me because I am a clean person, everything has it's spot.",Stress +28182,"And I’m scared all the time. I get flashbacks from ptsd at home, and now my home is full of these spider and insect memories. And I feel like so few people in my life can really handle this and that’s even more isolating. I’m sorry. I needed a place to put this down and try and stop crying.",Stress +28183,"Both me and him want to keep in contact and still do things together as friends but i find it extremely hard. Also i know there is a big age gap, i am 23 and he is 39 but i have connected with him in ways i never connected with anyone else, and both my previous relationships of 3 and 1 year was with guys that were 11 and 13 years older than me, i just like older men and i am more comfortable with them. Could all this feelings be wrong? Could it be because i have no one here and i found comfort with him to be the reason i developed feelings for him? I am not sure and i want your help!",Normal +28184,"I go to my dealer and get an 8th of weed, go home a few cities over, toke up, and feel relief wash over me, finally being home, away from this crazy Aryan Brother. I didn't hear from him until a few days later, he called my phone, but I didn't pick up... If he's back at that shelter when I go back it's gonna be AWKWARD!!! ! **MORAL OF THE STORY:** Don't help fellow homeless people with rides, even if they're going in the same direction.",Normal +28185,"Going to chat to my therapist about it next session too. I need to find some sort of balance here, between living my life and keeping my fear in check. God bless all of you who have been through DV and abuse - I truly wish you all the absolute best in your lives and your recoveries. We are all heroes here. xx",Normal +28186,"I’m very concerned that I might never be able to put a condom on, last in bed or satisfy a woman with my penis. The girl was very satisfied and even exhausted and she said that it was the most times she cums in one night and that the previous guys just stuck it in and thrusted ( which I’m secretly jealous honestly since I’m concerned that I might not be able to stick it in right now). she keeps texting me now about meeting up again. She said I’m great with my hands and I’m a great kisser but she kept silent about my penis which I was apparently very bed using it. I kept my cool throughout the night and laughed it off and she was very cool and said that she was expecting it but I’m very concerned that I might have a deformity or something.",Stress +28187,"Do you think she's just trying to let me down easy or that there might be something but she's just not ready? Everybody I work with says she likes me. Her close friend from work even said something similar. I'm probably over thinking this, as I tend to do. What do yall think?",Normal +28188,"Last week I had an absolutely fantastic interview. They had a secondary and tertiary requirements that weren't in the job posting, and I fit all of them and then some. I made the interviewers go ""Oh, wow!"" when I brought up some of the stuff I've done, I've interned at the same place as one of the interviewers did, right around the same time. We laughed and go along great, and the interview was double the allotted time.",Normal +28189,"They are 2 hours away and I got to visit them recently and I squealed like a girl most of that drive. Two dudes and two girls are what this group consists of. I don't have to walk on egg shells, as someone who feels like a fuck up always it's nice to see four other people like me that like me. Does anyone else have any experiences like this? Where they have anxiety, whether it be bad or mild, and when around certain people it just melts away?",Normal +28190,"my abuser is in my family, and i am in the process of healing but every family reunion/holiday i must see my abuser causing me to enter panic attacks, constant crying, and flashbacks, causing an uproar to what could make me so ""troubled"" I am afraid of coming out to my family in case of being removed for my family forever and damaging relationships. I have younger family members i am trying to protect so i feel alot of weight on my shoulders when i am having a bad PTSD episode around my abuser and my younger family members.",Stress +28191,Also there was an attempted rape on me when I was 21. I never realised how much an effect these events had on me. There is another woman that I like (F32). She is very intelligent and we talk all the time. The problem is that I am married even though my marriage is awful.,Stress +28192,"Regardless, that didn't last long, maybe half a year. I released that apartment, and most of my belongings (I kept a few boxes of my things from the military, personal effects, but little else). Looking back, there were some signs of emotional manipulation here, but it was subtle... and you know how it is, love is blind. We got engaged. It was quite the affair.",Normal +28193,"For some reason the niece decided to call us and basically tattle on the ex for how she was living drugs etc..... we kinda already know her situation. We have custody so it's not a huge deal. Well, he invited the niece we will call her Carla and her bf to our home for a bbq. Well, they never left, I don't even understand how it happened but it did . Well, after major issues with the bf we finally were able to get rid of him.",Stress +28194,"I cant function just having a hostile room mate, not needing to work, there's literally no way I can function homeless. I'm barely keeping myself from suicide at this point. I cant go into a residential care facility because they mistreat and abuse people extremely often in the united states, and I cant handle further abuse or I'll end up killing myself. Any ideas on what to do? thanks.",Stress +28195,"Which admittedly, I have been catching some feelings for her. But I want this to continue since I enjoy her company and we vibe well together. --- **tl;dr**: I met this cool girl that I might have feelings for but she told me she has no current intention to date, so we're really just FWB that hangout. For somebody who has never done anything casual and have only had relationships or talked to girl to eventually date them, how do I become comfortable having sex and hanging out with somebody without catching feelings for them?",Normal +28196,"I described my symptoms to friends and they would say its normal, or that they have thoughts of their own and that it's all in my head. But I knew this wasn't normal, I'm an optimistic person and I'm not afraid of people, I actually like socializing and meeting people, but my anxiety gets in the way and my fear of judgment.. but even I knew that I wasn't nervous, but my body was reacting in a way... idk how to describe it. I just wished that I could go for drinks with my girls and when guys came over, I wouldnt over analyze and get nervous... and start twitching because of all the rush of blood to my face... I dealt with this for years, and was going to just live like this... but then I went to a bar to meet up with my girlfriends but arrived late. Once in the bar I saw a group of guys sitting with them.",Stress +28197,"The idea of what ISPs can do once the lack rules are truly active have made me feel sick to my stomach. I can't sleep and it is affecting my school life. I can't afford to pay ransom to the Corporate Fascist Thugs who wish to cableize the internet and I can't stand the idea of the internet becoming like that of China and North Korea. We are still fighting, but I'm still paranoid and every day that gets closer to April 23rd makes me feel more infuriated and panicky. I feel under attack and very life about to be destroyed.",Stress +28198,"I met Zach and James. We were roughly the same age. James was a top-notcher, consistent honour student ever since 1st grade, and had a younger sister who was in 2nd grade at the time. However, Zach wasn't that smart, he was average, yet very decent and very cool. Fast forward to our first quarter test, after finishing all my exams during the day, James asked me, out of the blue, ""Saan mo mas gusto?",Normal +28199,"Now the past week, anxiety has hit harder than it's ever hit before. I'm checking snapchat scores, social media activitiy, last active etc which i know is already grounds for unhealthy relationships. The problem is when we were together, and whilst we were texting chat its absolutely perfect until the past week. The texts are shorter, my messages are being ignored (she's online but not reading my message) for hours on end, there's no good night / good morning message, it's all very limited and short. I've tried to challenge her on it as a means of settling my anxiety but this was met with a touch of hostility, in that 'yes everything is fine, i don't need to be in constant communication with you,' but I'm just so concerned that she's pulling away or losing interest and its all falling out of my hands.",Stress +28200, Resume: Thank you! !,Normal +28201,"Hey everyone! I've just started sharing my story on YouTube, and I intend to continue building on this channel with more information about cult awareness, recovery, etc. I think it's really important for survivors like myself to be the ones spearheading cult education, instead of continuing to allow cults to be misrepresented and sensationalized in media. Please watch & subscribe! Your support is deeply appreciated \^\_\^",Normal +28202,"It seemed like there was no recognition of my emotional state and like he just wanted me to be quiet. That scares me. He claims he was trying to help comfort me, but I really am having trouble believing that. This is the second time something like this has happened. The first time was when we were arguing and it was getting really heated.",Stress +28203,"I am writing on behalf of my friend and colleague (with his permission) who has watched his daughter Laney steadily deteriorate after suddenly suffering massive strokes due to a disease known as Moya Moya, which is where the body tries to compensate for inadequate bloodflow to the brain by sending capillaries that invariably burst. She is now in terminal condition and the family is facing a staggering mountain of medical bills. The icing on the cake is that the onset of the strokes occured while Laney's mom was 8 month's pregnant. The last year and a half has been horrific. I've posted the [link to a GoFundMe started by Laney's Godmother in the hopes that there may be some of you who would like to contribute.",Normal +28204,"During one of our many discussions, she compared it to me playing with people on my friends list. I explained that usually we are in game friends and only really speak about the game. A few times she offered to talk about in game stuff only with her friends. The last time she offered, I accepted feeling that it would solve my issue. Once I accepted her offer, she backpedaled almost immediately during the same conversation.",Normal +28205,"He did threaten to walk out when I tried to crack a third, and I stopped. He says this is so rewarding for him, but is really open about how tough it has been as well. The therapist, though she is more closed mouthed and less personally emotional, has said she has required supervision several times over me. No matter how nice they are, if I fuck up months of progress, decisions about where this is going seem likely. Getting this out seems to have helped a fair bit.",Normal +28206,I told him I’m not using that on my makeup and my contacts stuff! I’m crying and yelling and he is yelling at me and shoving a broom in my face and I just tell him I’m taking all my stuff out of the bathroom so now it’s on the shelves that I just cleared off. So >now the only thing of mine in the bathroom is my toothbrush and tooth paste.   >I can’t live like this.I can’t be here anymore.,Stress +28207,"So, my question is how worried should I be about this? Is it likely that this guy will come look for me or cause problems in the future? Or am I overreacting? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thanks!",Stress +28208,"I grew up believing that everything bad that happened was my fault. I have tried so hard to make something of my life after that hell, but now that everything feels like falling apart again I feel like I am breaking. This must mean that I am truly worthless and a waste of life. I feel like I'm not even allowed to feel like this, because I deserve this hard life. Has anyone experienced horrible burn out because of PTSD/OCD?",Stress +28209,"At 26... it was a roller coaster ride. It was great at the start... then I caught him with someone else at a party. I broke up there and then, realised I couldn't let go... we got back together, we broke up, he became abusive... it went downhill from there. I just couldn't let go of him. I kept hoping it would work out... it never did.",Normal +28210,"Last night, I had a few friends over for New Years', as one does. We all got pretty damn drunk, as one does. Among my drunk friends was my good friend ""Lily,"" someone who I've been friends with for a while. A long time ago, she told me she had romantic feelings for me. I turned her down, being in a relationship, but admittedly I had a small crush on her too.",Normal +28211,"* Weak α2 affinity: triazolam, chlordiazepoxide (stronger affinity for α3), brotizolam, quazepam, tetrazepam (stronger affinity for α3), and a few others. - * High α3 affinity: diazepam, clonazepam, temazepam, lorazepam, tetrazepam, flunitrazepam, nimetazepam, phenazepam, and bromazepam. - * Moderate α3 affinity: alprazolam, adinazolam, estazolam, chlordiazepoxide, clorazepate, and flurazepam.",Normal +28212,"Fun fact: helped me out a bit a few years ago through Twitter. You can check his tweets with/about me around July/Aug of 2014. (I deleted my Twitter account since, but just signed up again.) paid for a month of weekly, remote sessions with a popular, West Coast therapist. That brilliant therapist is the only one I've ever clicked with, before or since.",Normal +28213,"Also, to answer the million dollar question everyone has, ""How does this happen to someone who outearns her abuser by a factor of 6?"" I wish people talked more about the other side of financial abuse. We hear all about the men who financially abuse their partners by prohibiting them from having a job, or denying them access to bank accounts, and that sort of thing. There's also the side where they monitor every account and become completely terrifying if their higher earning partner so much as buys one cup of coffee that they didn't approve of. They spend all her money on random crap that they can pass off as household expenses.",Normal +28214,"If you withhold financial information from this type of abuser, they will get it out of you somehow. Trust me. It isn't pretty. I withheld my credit card numbers for a year, and I paid every day for it. Anyway, I'm totally ranting at this point, but it was seriously amazing to find one person in this entire world who actually confirmed that what I experienced in trying to access help was real.",Normal +28215,"I was feeling sick, I had work to do, I was tired, and all I could do was shout that I didn't want to be so close to the next step and get slingshotted back because of something I didn't know was coming. I know it's my fault. I know I should've been more careful, been more prepared. But I can't do this. My boyfriend has been begging me to keep the baby, and it makes me feel torn.",Stress +28216,Nothing was bothering them. Nobody was being a bully at school. Their grades started to slip. I was asking the right questions but they kept saying nothing was going on. Fast forward six months.,Normal +28217,"My husband has poor impulse control (his words) especially when he gets angry or frustrated. I've noticed he often will take out frustration on the dog (he's a rescue who is legitimately hard to manage). He's never hit me or hit the dog, but he will often pull the leash too hard and go too far with discipline. For example the other day, the dog was having a lot of anxiety and being bad and barking in the car at every dog we passed. When we arrived home my partner got out of the car and pulled the dogs leash so hard that he fell out the door into his back.",Stress +28218,"I don’t have anything to ask atm or anything that anyone else need to know, but i cant go to someone when I’m not coping or in a state, I feel like it’s something I have to ride out on my own, that I can’t tell anyone about. I hate going throw this on my own, not that my family don’t try to support me, I just don’t want to see mum cry again because I’m broken and she’s tryed every thing she can but nothing helps. Iv had more 5 therapist and seen at least that again in one off meeting, but I can’t engage and have developed a vague phobia towards them, I used to hide in the house when I knew I had an appointment and only come out if I was promised I didn’t have to go. So It’s been largely untreated, not throw lack of trying. I can’t see my condition changing.",Stress +28219,"After I took care of healing my self, my biggest concern has been that he will do it again to another poor woman. He is already dating someone new that is even younger than I am, I was already 13 years younger than him, and I am so worried for her that once she passes the 2 year dating mark he will repeat the pattern of abuse just as he has done in the past. I wish there was a way to at least give women and men the chance to know of what they are getting into ahead of time and then let them make the decision if they think the person is reformed or not before getting trapped in a potentially abusive relationship. It makes me sick that the pattern of abuse can continue without any transparency. I wish there was an online database of domestic abusers similar to sex offenders.",Stress +28220,"I didn't have time to text a lot like I used to, and certainly couldn't realistically plan trips to see her anymore. She was plainly unhappy with me for not being as communicative anymore, but things really came to a head when I began dating someone. Lisa was the only person in my inner circle of friends to have a poor reaction when I told her I was dating another woman, which was shocking to me because I trusted her, and because she often used social media to convey her allyship with the LGBT community. She often told me that as soon as I met my gf, I quit talking to her (Lisa). As my relationship with my gf became more serious, Lisa and I became even more distant from each other, and she would often ignore my texts or emails (neither of us were ever much for talking on the phone).",Normal +28221,"I've been struggling to work/be employed ever since my first job gave me anxiety 6 years ago but I feel like only now I've finally cracked it. In December I managed to work on a contract full time in an office for 6 weeks with only 1 massive panic attack. But now, I'm about to have 3 part time jobs. They're not the sort of jobs I would love to have \(I kind of want a job where I can talk to other people in the workplace\) but I found that social media/community manager gigs are so flexible and are working at home jobs. So I stay anxiety free by setting my own hours and being in control, and I make more money than I would have if I worked at a cafe or at a restaurant.",Normal +28222,I don’t believe my list is long and I tried to find the cheapest items. I have high hopes I’ll be employed by the middle of July. I’m ready to pay it forward. Don’t want to be in this situation ever again. I’ve attached the link.,Normal +28223,My Daughter was recently in a domestic violence dispute. The other party was arrested and there was a gun involved. They are both under 21. The sentencing will be soon and the court said he is getting probation and at the time of sentencing the no contact order will be lifted. She has not attempted to move on and is waiting for the order to be lifted in order to reunite with him.,Normal +28224,"Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th.",Stress +28225,"My boyfriend is currently stationed overseas while I’m still in the states with my four year old and our seven month old. It has been very hard for both of us, but I at least have the kids. I often feel guilty for feeling sad or lonely because he doesn’t have anyone there. No friends (yet), family, and he misses our son terribly. He’s having a really rough time with missing all of the milestones of babies first year and is depressed often... when he’s sad he gets angry.",Stress +28226,"Edit 2: in the wonderful world of good news, the user /u/sexistentialpanic contacted me and wanted to donate two boxes! Thanks to their generosity, we should be able to fulfill 50% or those who poster a request! It was a hard decision, but ultimately we went with users that have extensive Reddit histories, who haven't received other assistance, and whose need was clearly established through their posting history. I'll be sending beauty boxes to: /u/_agent_perk",Normal +28227,"  SAR teams, crew and techs, go where nobody else can go. They, Dave and his team, have saved Mounties, have gone where others simply can’t and aren’t trained, or capable of ignoring their surroundings and getting the job done. SAR are a breed apart. I have asked Dave if he can introduce me to a SAR Tech so I can show his story, beside this.",Normal +28228,"A lot of very helpful things can be found here, whether it’s how to get benefits and meals, to finding shelter. What I am concerned about is putting together something for the newly homeless in regards to scams, cons, users, people to avoid. Basic homeless etiquette, unwritten rules. Some of these people will have no “street smarts” or some will have very limited experiences with these situations. Most will be terrified, and could end up trusting the wrong people by not seeing signs that more “street wise” folks might have.",Normal +28229,If you're stuck and too anxious to move just know that you are always making progress. It's okay to do it in your own way. I'm so grateful to this sub- it was really amazing to see that I wasn't alone in this. Reading other's struggles and accomplishments inspired me beyond belief. So I hope that if you're reading this you can find your own inspiration.,Normal +28230,"I just never had proper doctors who could diagnose me. There's a very long story there. I suffer from PTSD because I have been abused my entire life. I was physically abused by my teacher when I was 8 years old. My mother physically, mentally and emotionally abused me, up until I left her house at 16.",Stress +28231,"I don't feel at all like he doesn't like me or has gone off me, we meet once a week and 'chat' daily but I'm kind of unhappy I'm not getting the 'cant get enough of talking' experience that usually comes along with being enamoured at the start. I nearly always reply within 20 mins if I'm not busy because I'm still in the excited pahse, but I get a lot of 3/4 wait times with a read receipt, with him coming on and off whatsapp within that period before I get a reply. It hardly screams that he's really into me when he is ok to wait that long to reply. I assume he's messaging others so why not me? I'm his new potential gf!",Normal +28232,"The truth that sometimes there is nothing more you can do but mitigate the symptoms of your PTSD. That psychotherapy, DBT, CBT and all manner of psychological sciences have limits. That many people do not respond to treatment. That medication is not a cure-all. That scientists neither really understand what neurological mechanisms which cause PTSD, nor how the medications they use to treat it work.",Normal +28233,"I had no insurance but got expensive tests run to confirm that I was not having seizures. When that therapist suggested crystal healing I left and went to another one. After over six different therapists/psychiatrists I have received yet another diagnosis of PTSD, schizophrenia with mania, anxiety disorder, and depression. The meds are not working and I live in a small town where my mental health access has been exhausted. The last therapist told me after one visit that they ""aren't really equipped to deal with people like you (me).""",Stress +28234,The problem is that I have zero support system. I have a job but I couldonly afford this motel room for a week and my dog followed me on foot for a few miles until we somehow got separated. He ended up at someone else's home and I want him back so badly. I have no way to go get him and I'm scared and alone and I'm a Christian but I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok. Please.,Stress +28235,Most of the residents in San Andres are elderly farmers who depend on the bus to travel to the main market in Oaxaca to sell their produce. I am worried seeing the people depend on taxis who are known to scam farmers out of their hard-earned money. The Go Fund Me page is And there is a Facebook page set up too: ,Normal +28236,"Our sense of humor is very similar.. She's gorgeous, funny, smart, and likes some of the same things I do.. She's wifey material.. The way she loves on her dogs and cares for them makes me think she'd make a good mom 8-10 yrs from now. These are some of the biggest reasons I see myself with her. **tl;dr**: Off-and-on heterosexual relationship since we were in high school. She met me and cheated on her highschool BF.",Normal +28237,"I just can't do it. Some days I think: ""You know what, i'll do it!"". But I never actually did it. There's a fucking huge wall, a Trump wall, stopping me. All I wanted was a job, now I got a job offer but the wall is stopping me.",Stress +28238,Im so in love with my wife when she’s happy and herself. We have everything in common. But when she becomes abusive and manipulative it’s too much and she says she will change and she’s taking meds now and she booked a counselor but I don’t know if this is more manipulation and lies or if it’s real? I just don’t know. She’s had soooo many chances to do this but only after we have separated is she ever actually doing anything about it.,Stress +28239,"Long story short: 3 year old American Bully with severe encephalitis (brain swelling) which at this point is believed to be GME (an auto-immune disease). We are fighting for her so even if you don't want to make a donation or don't want to share the link, any positive thoughts are appreciated as well. My wife is 8 months pregnant & I had cancer earlier this year. We're struggling financially and need help. The rest of the story is in the link as well as some photos and videos of her when she was healthy.",Stress +28240,"Ask a local representative for help? What are some steps I can take that I haven't yet? I'm scared, and so .... almost annoyed of dealing with this, he was served a protective order way back in October 2017. Also...how has he repeatedly had so much success with the police? It honestly baffles me, which is why I wonder whether he's paying them off (he told me he'd done this while we were together, although that could've been a fear tactic).",Stress +28241,"But it hit close to home when my own parents have pressured me over the years to reconcile with my brother, angrily demanding how I'd handle their funerals, whether I'd insist on not going (I wouldn't. My brother was best man for our other brother's wedding, which I attended but declined being a bridesmaid, and kept a careful distance. Then I went home, drank an entire bottle of wine and cried while my husband comforted me). 2. I never would have known about my cousin's son if I hadn't been able to make the funeral yesterday.",Stress +28242,"You try harder to focus on the screen when another turns on. The screen is large enough that you can clearly make out that it is most definitely a memory. The more you focus, the more screens turn on all showing the same memory. The last screen is so clear, the picture so perfect that it's almost like you are there. As you watch, you realize that you aren't watching anymore- you are in the memory again.",Normal +28243,"He was furious I'd 'kept' that from him. I had considered doing cam modelling though had never gone through with it (again before we even met) . He accused me of lying and keeping things from him. On top of that, he still expected sex all the time. I still liked it, but I was so stressed from the move and from the constant crying and fighting that my libido was down.",Stress +28244,"Woke up 4 days later, intubated and paralyzed. Didn't know if I was locked in, had suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen, I had no idea what was happening. I could hear everyone. No idea how much time passed before someone noticed. The paralytics given to me to keep me comfortable were off and I could move again.",Normal +28245,"Sorry in advance, just need to get shit off my chest.. This has been a spectacularly shitty year to be homeless, trying to recover from health issues that have me terrified (and cut off from health insurance), facing criminal tresspass charges that turned out to be false, but took 8 months to prove my innocence, dealing with incompetent social services that JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT, to finally getting into what I thought would be a place safe against the weather, but turned out to be basically living in a refrigerator, and now I'm back on the streets with moldy fucking gear and all options here exhausted. I'm fucking sick, in pain, and nowhere to sleep but in a doorway in a town that hates (and I really mean hates) the homeless, and all I can think of to do is hang on til I can GTFO, without getting the shit beat out of me. Anyway, thanks for listening, and for what it's worth, please everyone have a safe holiday.",Stress +28246,its been 9 months now for our marriage and she managed to sleep with me with lights off as i cant even think of sleeping with lights on. now she is pregnant and its 8 months. now she wants to keep lights on in the room which i cant sleep with lights. what should i do ? is that behavior of my wife normal ?,Stress +28247,"For many years I visited her and asked if she please could do things to mitigate my allergies (keeping the cat out of ONE room-where I slept, not give me clothes to wear that the cat had laid on, vaccuuming) and she did not do anything. ""The cat almost never wants to be in that room"" I got as a reply, but he was free to roam everywhere. A few years ago I just stopped going to their home and after taking that control I have felt much less sad about this. - Since she got together with her new partner I wanted us to go on a short trip (weekend) staying somewhere over night with her. This has happened only one time, more than ten years after she met her partner.",Normal +28248,"I also always bite and pick at my lips, meaning I usually have a patch of dried blood. I also chew my nails (though I've found if I clip my nails almost everyday it goes away). I know these behaviors are typical of OCD but I don't have other OCD symptoms so I think it's just my anxiety. Any tips would be appreciated. Or if you just want to share your habits go ahead.",Stress +28249,"Hello all, I am 23 and I'm studying in the US for getting my PhD. I applied to that country 2 years ago. I found this girl online (she's a student in the same university I got my bachelor). She's studying the same major as I do.",Normal +28250,"I quit Facebook, Twitter, and Instragram, essentially shutting myself off from the world. I go to school, but don’t talk to anybody outside of my family and my professors, and occasionally close friends. My mom says that it isn’t healthy, but personally my anxiety has gotten so much better. I feel good just feeling like nobody notices me. Has anyone felt this way?",Normal +28251,"I used to always feel I loved him more than he does with me, that was a common fight. And it turned out to be sickly true. I care so much for that man, I place myself in his shoes and feeling the pain he must be feeling being alone. I know this is sick of me, but how do I stop this?! I shouldn’t feel bad for what he did right?!",Stress +28252,"It sucks because I work on a computer and type all day at work and do needlepoint and sewing as a hobby and I can't do those things when it's this bad. Of course when people (family, coworkers, friends) see the brace they ask what happened. I always blame carpal tunnel. I feel so angry that I am still covering up for my abuser. I am angry I can't e joy my life without him showing up randomly.",Stress +28253,"It didn’t seem innocent. It looked like he’d seen something like that before and wanted someone to try it on. My parents were more strict and didn’t let me watch much things with violence, etc., and his were more lax, so maybe that was a factor. Also, he was the golden child in my extended family: charming, comedic, artistic. He got a pass a LOT.",Normal +28254,"- Effexor XR My doctor says it's basically a crap shoot. Different people react to medication in different ways. Still, I'd love some first hand accounts of what it's like to be on these medications. Can anyone share their experience?",Normal +28255,"I had a skin graft. It hurts, every day. Not all the time, but usually when I'm upset or having a hard time. It'd be nice to know the pain isn't all in my head and maybe it's actually a physical consequence. It just hurts.",Stress +28256,"There became two sides of me I battled within myself. On one hand, I wanted us to build a life together, to experience that love and the relationship. I did most days. On the other, I wanted to absolve myself. I obsessed with it.",Stress +28257,"I thought if I changed, if I did everything for him, he would love me like I wanted him to. I broke it off a few days ago. For good. I can't help but feel so guilty for doing so. At least when I was 12, that man went to prison for 40 years.",Stress +28258,"During this time, my mother was out of work and she had to make sure she took the time to take care of her father. On his deathbed, my grandpa told our landlord, to his face and perhaps in a Will (the latter was my mother's words, not mine) that he did not want his daughter and his granddaughter to be homeless. He wanted him to take care of us and make sure we had a place to live. Unbeknownst to me, we were behind on the rent. I didn't know how much until a few years later, when I got my first job.",Stress +28259,"It was wrong, I never told her when it was happening, only after I ended things, because I wanted to be serious with her. She took it as cheating and to this day, goes back to it at every argument we have. 2. A few months after I told her about the other girl, I found out that she was actually still in a relationship with her ex. She would visit him when she was in her home town.",Normal +28260,"I am a failure as a mother. I cannot even give my child a safe place to sleep. And my post yesterday offered one piece of advice and a lot of downvotes. Today, I am begging. I created an [Amazon wishlist, titled ""Emergency list"" ) I just want my daughter to have somewhere to sleep, that is not the cold floor in the middle of winter.",Stress +28261,"I have tried to her encourage her as best as I can. The job she had was 10 hours per week, which I got for her to tutor a friend’s 10yr old (who is a challenging child). She has an events business with her mother, which operates approximately once every six weeks to host mystery dinners, which is very popular, but does not make much funds. She spends a large amount of time on this and I get frustrated that some of that effort could be put into finding more stable work. She studies one unit a semester.",Normal +28262,"Engagement rings. I've been thrilled about the thought of being married particularly in the last 2 years. To be clear, I have a strong dislike of diamonds and the entire idea of an expensive ring or wedding. All I wanted is a cute and unique ring below $200 at the most. I told him all of this and waited... and waited.. and waited.",Normal +28263,I think that's what it's called. Where you relive your trauma and talk about it to take the emotional response and power away. I am just nervous and very scared. Has anyone did this kind of treatment? Did it help?,Stress +28264,"What's a compassionate way of telling a friend that you can't participate in certain activities with her anymore? For the record, I'm seeing Pam again next week. She wanted to go out to eat, but i told her I can't afford to. Instead she'll come over to my place. I think this would be a good time to talk to her.",Normal +28265,"Well, I had a bad binge eating episode and stopped, and my father proceeded to stop talking to me. For months. A total silent treatment. I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my childhood, trying to figure out if there were times he was like this that I had normalized, but with my therapist and my mother we have concluded that he never used to be like this. He was always a nice, goofy dad who loved me (he still loves me) and we had a ton of fun.",Normal +28266,"I've been trying the online dating thing recently and met a very nice guy. We've been on 3 dates so far and he's great! Funny, nice, understanding. Unfortunately I don't really feel a spark. I thought going on more than 1 date would let me see him as more than a friend but I have no desire to even kiss him even though I enjoy hanging out with him.",Normal +28267,"I loved that man so much and tried my best to make it work. But I have limits. And when he was not thinking twice about getting alcohol while we didn’t have even enough money left for milk for our baby, that was my limit. We had .51 cents in our account and he found that acceptable? !",Stress +28268,"I don't really know if I'm doing this right but..I feel like I have ran out of options. To make a long story short, I have a Ford Ranger and the serpentine belt on it is broken. I'm currently living with my girlfriend but last night I found out that she has been lying to me repeatedly and I'm done with this situation, the only problem is that I'm stuck. I don't get paid for another 6 days and I am flat broke with no family or anything nearby. Luckily, I'm within walking distance of my work but do you guys have any ideas?",Stress +28269,"I offered to help but he declined. After 6 months the debt hadn't moved. It was at that time I started asking him more about it, how it was going (I think I was pretty annoying TBH,) and he would say he paid off a large portion of it. But he didn't and never followed through with the plan. i feel badly that I didn't just drop it, but I it felt like he was lying to me.",Normal +28270,"Stealing the idea of the person who posted earlier, I have 3 $50 trials from HomeChef, another food delivery service. Same thing as the other ones pretty much, you'll get 3 meals for 2 people. Also same as the other one, you'll have to enter your credit card info, but that's no commitment, so cancel your membership after you get your first box. Reply here and I'll PM you. All I'll ask for in the PM is your email address!",Normal +28271,"When I went back the next day he said the good news was he wasn't going to lie to me anymore. He said ""if you can take a raping like that and still come back, there's nothing I could do to make you leave."" And ""There's no point in lying any more"" He always told me from then on when he was cheating, doing something wrong, etc. I thought about turning him in. I took some pictures on my phone to maybe show the police.",Stress +28272,"When I was one, my parents got divorced. My parents HATE each other so I have never had a good relationship with either of them. When I was 4 my mom remarried to a horrible man (that she is still married to) but I didn't realize how horrible he was until recently. Until I was 8 (when we moved for his job and he wasn't home as much) he whipped me with a belt whenever I did ANYTHING he didn't like. He would make me pull down my pants and he would whip me until I was hysterically crying in pain.",Normal +28273,"I find myself curious if any of you have experienced a partner who with holds sex and affection as part of their abuse pattern. I mostly read about men who force or otherwise guilt/manipulate their partners to have sex. My situation is different. My husband refuses to touch me. If I try to initiate sex which I have done many times in the past, he will flat out push me away.",Stress +28274,"The problem is that she won't accept the fact that I want to break up. She says I'm not giving a good enough reason. And she wants me to keep talking to her because I'm her only good friend that she can talk to and thinks she can win me back. I'm a pretty nice guy, and I feel bad for her because I know she struggles with making friends, and I feel like an ass if I just leave her. Help me reason with myself that this is a good idea to leave her and stop communication.",Stress +28275,"I'm afraid of losing who I was. I went into the bathroom and looked into the mirror and for the first time in a year, I feel like I saw my own reflection. I know the battle isn't won, and I've got a long way to go, but something just snapped tonight. I understand what you're all going through. We're all in it together.",Stress +28276,"But there is no certainty, and I am so scared I am going to fuck this up. I want so bad to do the work, be better, and show kindness to those who have been so kind to me. But none of that seems meaningful in the dead of night when I cannot sleep and get so sad and ruminating. I just do not know what to do to improve it or fix it. This is longer than I intended, thank you to anyone who reads this, any ideas or advice at all are appreciated.",Stress +28277,"It started off small, but it's getting larger and larger by the day to the point that I want to cry. All I want to do is sleep, but no matter how much I sleep, I'm still exhausted. I sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. I fuck up my school life by sleeping so much. Why am I still tired.",Stress +28278,"**Chapter 4** *The end of the Beginning* Drug free, Depression free, I had such a great time being homeless. Oh sure, there was the occasional scary moments, I almost died about 3 times that I can remember of. I almost got stuck in the middle of Northern Ontario in the forest with nothing to drink, I had sex with a girl inside the engine of the Freight Train, Im not talking about the conductor's cabin, Im talking about the actual engine.",Normal +28279,"So when Markus asked me for a date night, just the two of us, I didn't hesitate. I have loved this man so much, I think I still do. These date nights made us feel like we're young again. Everything we used to do back when we were just dumb teenagers, we're doing again now. I was so happy I could cry.",Normal +28280,"I’m a 24 year old male. For the past month, my stomach has had little pain after eating and I’ll have problems with indigestion/sour stomach. I’ll eat a clean meal and it’s as if my stomach won’t digest the food and I’m burping it up right after eating. There is usually no pain after eating. My stool color has been normal and I’m regular.",Normal +28281,"I grab my partner and told him “ we need to get out of here right fucking now!” We made hour way out of the building, as we were exiting the conditions increasingly got worse, just as we made the door the room flashover, my partner was already in the hallway I was still in the room. Many times when firefighters are caught in a flash over the outcome is death, for me it was burns to years, wrists, and face. I still consider myself very lucky. After that I started struggling with anxiety at work and home. On my days off I started to drink excessively.",Stress +28282,"I have since sold my phone and obviously have just now gotten to a position where i owe nobody but myself. i am back at the start but finally without any ties. so now, i have to ask. Where do i sell this laptop for $500, and then, after it's sold, what should I do and where should I go in the country? who do i talk to?",Normal +28283,"Thing is, after we broke up we had sex a few times in August and September and as far as I'm aware she has slept with at least one other guy in this period too. The real question is what do i do now? I want to tell the guy about this, and wish someone would've done the same to me 2 years ago. But at the same time I'm one of her exes, is it really my fight to take? tl;dr: Ex probably cheated on her new boyfriend with me, should i tell him or just stay out of it?",Normal +28284,"If you haven't outgrown that by your early 20s, I think there's possibly a problem. She thinks these comment wars she gets into are funny, and turning people's words around on them and baiting them is her idea of having fun. She's delighted when someone gets mad at her. I don't see how this can be fun to anyone unless they have a teenager's mindset. She does this on Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook mainly.",Stress +28285,"Hello r/ptsd. I'm currently almost 19 but suffered a lot of traumatic events within my immediate family between the ages of 10-15. Earlier this year, I noticed that I had terrible body odor (I shower and wear deodorant everyday) whenever I left the house. This was obviously accompanied by some unbearable anxiety, as well as very severe panic attacks. After talking to my psychiatrist and a therapist, they diagnosed me.",Stress +28286,"I didn't tell anyone, not even my family. I felt I had to protect them; They were already insolved with CPS (Trust me, though, they're awesome) and I knew if i brought abuse into our case, I would inevitably send them down an unnecessary path. Social workers don't blame the abuser, they jump to the conclusion of negligent parents; Parents who were irresponsible enough to not know this was going on. They didn't know, they didnt know because they couldn't know. I went out for a few hours and they assumed I was hanging out with my friends, at least that's what I planned to do; They assumed I went to school and got an education, not beatings when the teacher was out of the room.",Stress +28287,The best idea i have came up with is use the lazt of my petrol to get somewhere atleazt half close to work and safe and legal to park up where i canalso sleep. Use my anti bactiral gel to clean my body and just wear a hat all week for work and wait it out until friday. Does anyone else have any better advice? Id appriciate any suggestions. Thank you,Stress +28288,But right now i am scared. Tl/Dr: my kids and I are about to lose our apartment due to a sudden loss of income. Need help in the next few days to make the rent. Please help. Need at least $440 to make it,Stress +28289,"Well, I've been homeless for two weeks and one day. I'm homeless this time because a woman that I had previously worked for, had promised me, and I quote, ""A lot of hours."" out in Tampa. I know that with three people, the drive from where I was at, would be worth it. We would make a lot more then what it was cost in gas, so it wasn't a problem.",Stress +28290,"I can't stop feeling miserable. It's not even because my ex is going crazy, because he's once again proven I don't get to control my own life. I can't let go of the prosecutor telling me I only hear what I want. I don't even know what he was referring to, but it has to be true because I honestly don't remember agreeing to dismiss he case. I'm guess I'm not doing as well as I thought, and I must be as crazy as I now feel.",Stress +28291,"We are 21 now, both turning 22 next month. It started off as friendly catching up, but things have gotten more romantic and we have been hanging out a lot more. I wasn’t sure we could ever be together again, but I no longer have feelings of sadness or resentment regarding what he did to me. I have noticed by the way he carries himself now, he has definitely matured. I guess I just want to know when or if I should tell him I hooked up with his friends?",Normal +28292,"I turned 15 shortly after meeting him. He started out so kind and loving. And then it just... turned. It turned from compliments into me not being able to wear certain things, say certain things, do certain things. I was barely allowed to be online, no longer able to post anything relating to the music I used to create before him.",Normal +28293,"And then a short moment after i fell asleep i get quite a lot text messages, that at least another dude do want her to sleep over, that im a shit guy, and so on. I honestly dont think i can live long with this, but i do care about her and want to do something back for her. I was pretty much done with my live and lost all fate and interest in things. She was the one that got me back on these things. And beside these moments i have a good time with her aswell.",Normal +28294,"he was my best friend since highschool, she was a girl i really liked. my parents let him live at my house when his parents kicked him out, and he started dating the girl that i really liked behind my back. im not gonna go into too much detail about the drama but in short i kicked him out and they both hate me now. there were some not so nice comments going back and forth. the other day they moved into an apartment together after being together for like 3 months, but i just found out through the same person who initially told me that they were dating, his ex gf [22F] that he has hit her on several occasions.",Normal +28295,"It was the same therapist I'd been seeing since I was little, when I was first diagnosed as ASD (at the time termed PDD-NOS, as I didn't *quite* fit the diagnostic requirements for Aspergers), and she, had honestly stopped being helpful. Just kept telling me to do the same things over and over, when I told her these solutions either didn't work, or in some cases (going out for a walk for the sake of it, rather than with an intended destination/goal, for instance) made things worse. Because if my mind's left to wander, without something to focus on, something to distract myself, it starts tearing itself apart, ripping open old wounds and rubbing salt in them; reminding me of all the shit I've screwed up in the past, ways I've failed or fallen short, and I end up worse off than when I started. So, I eventually stopped going. And then, eventually stopped taking my meds, mostly because of not having the money to afford them when my father walked out, and the house practically started falling down around our ears over a course of a couple years; the heating just before winter because we couldn't afford oil, then losing water due to burst pipes, then the gas and finally electricity due to nonpayment.",Stress +28296,The next time I went to see her after that she said sorry if I wasn’t my self last time and I just said that she seemed tired and so I started to see her earlier in the day. Even from the first few time I went to see her she would always talk about herself. I didn’t have a problem with it because I am shy and so bad at conversation it kind of took the spot light off of me even tho that’s kinda what I was there to see her for. Also from the beginning she was kinda well very unprofessional and I knew this. I had just started to see a psychiatrist and I had told her what medications weren’t working for me so she gave me some of hers to try and see if they worked.,Normal +28297,"For the record, my partner hasn't brought this up as an issue but of course being turned down sucks and it's been like this since the beginning. I thought with time I'd relax but it wasn't a question of relaxing. To make things worse, nine times out of ten that we do have sex is because I initiate. That is not because he never does, that is how much I turn him down. I know this seems stupid since most posts here are about how to survive but maybe a random post about improvement can be acceptable?",Normal +28298,"Fast forward to 3 am, I am tired and would rather just leave, even though we have convenient seats in a standing room only club and my wife is enjoying herself. She makes a passing comment that she would likely be more comfortable at home, eating food. I jump on this and say we should walk back even though it is a 45-minute walk, in heels, in the rain (which I did not check for). She agrees we leave, she slips and falls, I did not help her up, and we fight the entire way home, divorce comes up several times. This morning she won't get out of bed and won't talk to me.",Stress +28299,"I gathered my composure, went back and sulked until I was asked if I could put something in my eye sight to block it out. I got a little excited, found a huge box and was able to move on with my day.. until about 3 when the owner came over, moved it, and then asked me if I was keeping it for anything. I mentioned I was blocking the signs, she asked why and I said, well, I feel they are kind of negative... And then she told me ""They aren't negative, they are funny, and since you don't think so you should think on if you even want to work here"", walks away and proceeds to tell my boss it isn't working out with me........ all because I expressed that I felt the signs were negative. Stupid me for thinking dozens and dozens of instant in your face surprise red circles could ever equate to negativity. I guess I have a new trigger.",Stress +28300,"Well Reddit, I don't even know where to begin... I guess I will start at the start of my relationship with my now wife and mother of my beautiful little girl. Our relationship came on suddenly and the surprise that is my daughter came on extremely surprisingly to me. I was already 36 years old and had been in several long term serious relationships that for one reason or another ended prior to marriage and I had long since just assumed I was incapable of fathering a child. I was years past all the stages of grief on the subject.",Normal +28301,"Advice on how to deal with friend? And advice about how to deal with the impact of this on myself? Self-esteem hit new lows and had already felt really humiliated about assault before and wanted to tell friends to stop feeling so bad about it and to be able to talk to someone on days when my PTSD got really bad. But now I feel even more humiliated about it and feel like anyone that knows is going to see me as damaged, so theres a lot of shame. I'm also terrified to talk to anyone else about it.",Stress +28302,"B wanted her to come with him to Chile, a place she has always wanted to go, and spend a week or two exploring together. In her writing, she seemed genuinely conflicted. The next day, B tried to kiss her, but she said ""that she couldn't"". B said he was falling for her. He really wanted her to go with her to Chile.",Normal +28303,"I am starting a full time job over the summer and will be financially set starting in June. May is going to be very hard for me. My rent is 785, I have other bills as well as purchasing groceries. I can pay rent but will be without any money for 2 weeks after that I will be unable to buy food or pay my electric bill. If anyone could help I would be eternally grateful...i feel so bad asking for anything but I just don't know what to do....",Stress +28304,"It's not that the current one isn't helping at all, but it would be nice if it helped _more_. She's got a lot of good literature and notes and it's helped some. But it's her words that it hasn't helped as much as she would like. Just wondering if anyone with any experience in talk therapy would share anything she may be able to talk about or focus on that could help a lot? This is a new experience for her, so she might just not know what to do or say during therapy to get anywhere if the therapist isn't guiding the discussion, and I wouldn't know what to suggest either.",Normal +28305,"Hi, I've posted it a lot on this sub, constantly and I figured, why don't I just submit a post with these steps. . This is how I deal with panic attacks/anxious, intrusive thoughts. I hope that I am able to help you the way they have helped me.",Normal +28306,"EVENT 1: ​ My life was in a wretched state, and I concluded that I have to find god with absolute certainty. I immediately perceived a being of infinite bliss within my mind that was alien to me. I confessed my 'sins' to this entity and repented of my behaviour.",Normal +28307,"My wife (we've been together 8 years) however is determined to 'finish the job'. Her father taught her much of what she knows and that is certainly a factor as to why she is an constructual engineer... But unlike her father she isn't a certified electrician or plumber nor is she especially skilled at carpentry. The issue is that we live 5 hours away and even if we did go *every* weekend to work on the house it would take well over a year to even get it into a acceptable state, let alone 'finished' and sellable. I brought up the idea of getting contractors to finish the house.",Normal +28308,"For context, I'm working through my last year of grad school, living alone currently with not many strong friendships in the area, and my Dad has been dying of cancer since September, so it's a stressful and lonely time. At first, I was quite excited about getting married. But for the last 3 months or so, all it does is fill me with dread and worry. When I've visited her, I've found myself falling into a deep funk. I often find myself wishing she would break up with me.",Stress +28309,"When I was 16 my braces were removed due to bone loss caused by Pre-juvenile periodontitis. My orthodontist had advised against a retainer because of cost and not believing I would need it. So sometime around my 17th year my teeth began to shift, horribly. Now I'm left with a horribly crooked and hanging front tooth, and have been terrified to speak to, or smile at anyone for years. It's absolutely destroyed my self esteem, and I've contemplated suicide many times because of it.",Stress +28310,I could easily see myself losing my job due to consolidation. In the meantime I have been wanting to leave this job anyway because I realized that I'm truly ready to move on from retail. I've had some promising leads but I found and a piece for a job that is at a lighting company that would combine the best of what I went to school for and my real world work experience. I got a call a few days ago but couldn't get an interview scheduled because during the call the hr lady got an email that the person I would interview with would be unavailable and I didn't have my work schedule right in front me so we decided to talk again the next day once we both had an idea of what the schedules for each side would be. Well the next day I called her and she still hadnt heard back from the person I would interview with and promised to call me the next day.,Normal +28311,"I obsess about this in my head 24/7 and even though I try to stay positive, the truth about how I REALLY feel comes out almost every time I go out drinking with friends and I become extremely negative and sometimes cry alone. My bf has told me that he is unhappy with my weight and he also hates seeing me unhappy. A summary of my bf: he is a complete workaholic, he loves me to death, he tells me how beautiful I am every day, he has dumped me 3 times because of my weight, he thinks I am an excuse maker and he does not know if he will commit to me. I am indian and he is white. I have been in the US since I was 6 and if you ever spoke with me on the phone, you would never be able to guess that I am indian.",Stress +28312,"She was unemployed and toyed with the idea of answering ads from strangers to perform fetish tasks for money, to include nudity (but no sex). It really wrecked me that she would consider that. She brought it up once again not too long ago (not seriously) and I flipped out. She was working as a nanny for a long time and I was very insecure about her and her boss because of my fear that she would be willing to do sex work for money. Now, she has never done any sex work for money and we agreed that it is not something I am comfortable with and she will not do it, so that's not an issue.",Normal +28313,"You aren't weak. If you were weak, you wouldn't be fighting. I honestly don't know what inspired me to post this as I don't post here ever. This is obviously an alt, but I just wanted someone to hear if anyone. We're all going to get through this.",Normal +28314,"We're currently looking for separate houses, haven't told the kids but my face is an absolute dogs dinner and will definitely have scarring for life. If it was the two of us, we could work it through but my relationship with G after so many telling offs, heart to hearts, explanations about his actions and their consequences, still goads me to get a rise. This is a woman who won't back down easily and will portray very intelligent coniving questions which have left me feeling dominated, under control and manipulated for a couple of years now. The one guiding light for us to work through it is my younger two children and how much I adore them. Still,in this current situation, there's is a seemingly insurmountable wall of emotions from all parties which would need a huge amount of effort to even bring us to the negotiating table.",Normal +28315,"Well, I've been on an anti-depressant now, and I definitely feel less depressed and motivated but my anxiety has gotten slightly worse. I explained all my symptoms to the dr I saw today and expressed my concerns to her about taking benzos every day (family history of addiction and I find myself to have a very obsessive personality.) and she totally agreed with me and said I probably have GAD along with the depression. She added an anti-seizure med as a mood stabilizer and told me that should hopefully level out how I am feeling and take care of the anxiety that is probably being brought on by the anti-depressant. I am so happy that a dr actually listened to me.",Normal +28316,"It is getting to a point where she can no longer work and is at risk of losing her home as well as her ability to get to her doctors, so it is time to reach out and ask upon the kindness of others. She started a gofundme with more information about her issues and the steps that she has taken thus far to avoid asking for monetary donations (and is even offering trade for art), please take a look and consider donating. Anything (even just $5 so she has gas to get to the doctor) will help immensely and is literally life changing for her. Thanks for your time! ",Normal +28317,"When I have a thought and that thought makes me feel good, it is because that thought is true, that thought is in alignment with my true nature, according to my higher self\infinite intelligence that thought is correct, it is the right way for me “define” myself and to go in life. When someone says to you “You are beautiful”, “I love you”, “I enjoy being around you”, … That makes you feel good, because those thoughts are TRUE, those thoughts are showing you who you are, you are loved, you are beautiful, you are and incredible person to be around with. (In my case, I feel in heaven when someone says to me “You make me feel amazing” 🙂 ) The same goes with your on thoughts and perspectives (that’s what you attract every time btw), when you define yourself/think of yourself in a way that makes you feel good, like “I feel worthy”, “I love myself”, “I love being me”, “I truly like my new shirt”, “I’m having so much fun”, “I’m at peace and relaxed”, you are going in the right way, the right direction, forward and aligned with your dreams and passions. From feeling fine to feeling ecstasy and Infinite Love, it is true for you, those thoughts and perspectives are the ones that will serve you in amazing ways and that will bring you the tremendous benefits for you and for your life, keep choosing them, believe in them, bathe yourself in them.",Normal +28318,We were raised in the Bible belt and she believed every word they told her about it being normal. I tried so hard to explain it to her over the years. She never understood. Even now she barely talks to me because I'm the 'outcast' for standing against what my family has done. We were so close when were younger because it's all we had.,Normal +28319,"I was recently diagnosed with PTSD (theoretically CPTSD but that's not an official diagnosis so whatever). It's been 3 years since I escaped my abuser who abused me for 3 years as well. However because I was so young (high school/college), people have disregarded the validity of my abuse- which results in me hiding it from the world. That sucks, but it's not as bad as what it does to me. On top of crippling anxiety about everyday life, I have a terrible fear of commitment that I didn't realize I had until I moved in with my current boyfriend.",Stress +28320,"But unfortunately everyone refuses to do so. Now I guess my question is, how do I ... 1\) Seperate myself emotionally from him? 2\) Be more assertive when dealing with him? 3\) Build myself up to be a confident and self reliant person that doesn't hit rock bottom every time I deal with him?",Normal +28321,"He knew about this. He asks me if I want to stop. I'm violently sobbing, so yes, of course I want to stop. He holds me for a couple of minutes. And then he starts talking about T again, even though we'd broken up the sexual arrangement months ago.",Stress +28322,"Open to any sort of help, be it public talk in the comments, talk in dm's, an offer of transport and or shelter. Links to any other places to ask for help would be nice. Happy to talk with another social media or platform - such as fb, twitter or discord. I have looked in the side information, but none of the other linked subs look like suitable places to ask for this sort of help. I have looked at r/couchsurfing, but the problem of travel glares.",Normal +28323,"I keep getting sudden, very short panic attacks. Or anxiety attacks. I'm not sure if I feel fear, I don't even know what the feeling is because I forget everything short term afterwards. They last a presumably short amount time and is the worst feeling imaginable to me. Some random thought I can never remember triggers it (it's definitely something that repeats though, it's a familiar feeling afterwards).",Stress +28324,"Now while yes it could have taken me 30 minutes to figure out the bleach ratio, it was weird because once it was 2:30 I realized it was time to make the kids snack, and I went to look for the little baskets we put the food in and they were gone. I was frantically looking for them and I asked my coworker if she saw them, she explained in a confusing manner that she already made snack. And if she made snack she would have been right in front of me because we were in a very small kitchen. And if I were ""there"" I definetly would have known. And when I came out of this ""blackout"" I was really groggy and anxious.",Stress +28325,"It all is just so tiresome you know?. I am 37, with autism, chronic PTSD, pretty strong quiet borderline traits and depression. I have a 21 year old sister with full blown, not at all quiet BPD, who came over last evening and spent several hours trying to talk/guilt me into going to an uncles house to find her grass. I quit two weeks ago and did not want to, but finally agreed to go over with her. The uncle has schizophrenia and a pretty bad meth addiction.",Normal +28326,"Does anyone have any experience getting a support animal? Ever since my sister's cat purred on me when I was having a panic attack, I've been thinking a cat could be good for me. But how do I find a cat that already is or can be trained to detect when I'm anxious or depressed or having ptsd flashbacks and come cuddle with me and purr and make me feel better. Can I get one that's already trained or how would we train one? We prefer to rescue animals instead of buying from breeders, but how do we train?",Normal +28327,"Hello wonderful world of Reddit! My boyfriend and I rescue animals in need. We'll Foster them for however long it takes to find them a home but this guy is something special and I think he's staying with us for good. His name is Chance and he was rescued by an acquaintance from some people who weren't caring for him properly and we're going to dump him somewhere. Then this acquaintance's leasing office told him it was him or the dog, and so he was heading a shelter when I spoke up and took him in.",Normal +28328,I’m struggling to figure out what’s wrong with me at the moment. I’m wondering what caused you all to find out that you may have PTSD? Was it something you noticed yourself? Did family members point it out? Etc.,Stress +28329,"Please, Do not hate him. Yes, he took her side so many times. You can say that he should have seen the signs or whatever, but honestly, no he couldnt have. He worked 14-16 hours a day (in las vegas heat, that is no fucking joke of a day) to support his household. She would make sure I was tucked in bed by the time he got home, and what little chances i got to see him, he would have already heard from her I was horrible some way or another and have the impression i was trying to lie.",Normal +28330,"Hey y'all. Throw away for obvious reasons. I am so confused and I don't know what to do or who to reach out to. I started dating my boyfriend two years ago when I moved away from my home to a new state for a job. He was funny, intelligent, and *very* charming.",Normal +28331,"Meditation - I would download head space the first 10 sessions with it are free and you can decide if you want to continue or not for a fee, but it is a good starting place for beginner mediators. I started with head space but now do unguided meditation before and after I sleep. I listen to this I like the elephant so that's why I chose it. If you don't like this one you can just search up unguided meditation music on YouTube or have no music up to you. But I would use head space if you are a beginner at least for the first 10 sessions",Normal +28332,"All that. When we're not together in the evenings we talk through messages. The conversations aren't stilted, and there isn't one sidedness, but it's just that there's a lot of it Right now i'm ignoring her for periods of 15 minutes or so, but I feel bad. She is that attentive that it makes me tired, I have to write everything in a long single message with line breaks otherwise as soon as I start messaging she starts replying.",Normal +28333,"He had issues of his own, being an alcoholic for one. These issues added to my anxiety. Him constantly at the bar sent my anxieties on overdrive. I still loved him though so I kept fighting. It wasn't enough though.",Normal +28334,"For all the bad that happens on the internet, there is still plenty of good to be had. Once again, thank you very much to everyone who helped made my life easier, I really appreciate it. Heck, i'll even give Reddit a shout out in my final year project. **THANK YOU AGAIN EVERYONE, STAY AWESOME!! **",Normal +28335,"I wanted to plant a new chapter in my new city, but haven't had time to devote to making it happen yet. I feel like I was the only one taking it seriously and it's dying a slow death. My problem is that one of the acquaintances is giving me a lot of power play-type problems. For example, I'll request *four times* in three different mediums we use, to email contributions to an end-of-year favorites list and rather than do that, she put hers on a share drive and told others to do the same in spite of my multiple requests to email me instead for better ease of sharing. Emails are met with snarky responses or half-measures which mean I still have to chase down.",Stress +28336,"Today I also had to write down all the emotions I could think of then put a color next to each word that I felt “matches” the emotion with markers. And the next page There’s an outline of a human body. I had to put each color(emotion) where I feel it on my body. I’m slightly annoyed because before all of this she’s been taking me very seriously and helping with so much, and now I feel like she’s being demeaning? Should I just see where this takes me or let her know that this feels slow and pointless at my appointment next week ?",Stress +28337,I feel like I can be that person for my girlfriend since I love her but I don't think I want to sacrifice my happiness for that. I just want to have a simple life and find someone who will have time for me. I didn't grow up in a loving family like her. It's not always about money. I grew up comfortably but there is not much love in the family I grew up in so money isn't important to me.,Normal +28338,"Hey everyone! I'm doing an article for a Mental Health Blog and I really want to write about people's stories on the importance on opening up/going to seek help from a professional. I would love to hear your experiences, why you went/started opening up, what you have learned, and how it has impacted your life! Of course everything you write will be anonymous on my post (I can even give you a pseudo name if you would like, just let me know)! Feel free to comment down below or message me if you want to be more private, thanks!",Normal +28339,"But I have something I think is important enough to at least be worth your time. I’m getting the word out about my wife’s surgery fund. She just got the message back today from her workplace denying her disability for her surgery. 😦 Long story short this was devastating for us, we are both pretty frugal people that try to save our money but sadly (at 20 and 19) we haven’t had much time outside of home to amass enough savings. This surgery is a catch 22 however as if she doesn’t get it she will have a 75-80% chance of becoming either wheelchair bound or if she’s luck just unable to ever walk up or down stairs.",Stress +28340,It makes sense to see danger around every corner. But I wish I could find a place where it isn't so dark. I read a story the other day about someone who couldn't work anymore and just needed to be at home. . .,Stress +28341,"I feel like at this point, I'm the only one putting effort into our relationship. I've suggested taking time to ourselves so that he could think things through, taking a break, talking about it, meeting up (we really only can see each other on the weekends due to classes), etc. Still, the short responses. He's started to not respond to me; we talk through an app that shows when the other has read the message. I know his class schedule, so I know when we can answer back (he checks his phone often).",Stress +28342,"Usually after each session I get a headache also. I can't tell if i'm becoming worse, because I did EMDR on my bad drug experiences and feel great now. The rest of what i'm dealing with is early childhood trauma, which was prolonged so i'm thinking EMDR is just bringing out these feelings and making my body become very unhappy since im reprogramming it to not constantly be hyper aware and anxious. Ive had a few hospital visits because after some sessions i turn into a hypochondriac because the physical responses are so odd. One session made the left side of my face numb.",Stress +28343,But it can be done with any white van. Also I’ve seen taxi logos on smaller vehicles work. Just have to be creative and smart and think about what companies start early or work all night. I see posts about trash building up and it becoming hard in a small vehicle. I slept with my girlfriend in a Hyundai Sonata for 9 months.,Normal +28344,"“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.” My new favorite quote I know anxiety cripples all of us, but if we can accomplish one simple task that we’ve been putting off, it’s one stop closer to recovery. Today, I got a haircut. I made excuses for months and kept cancelling my appointments.",Normal +28345,"They've done a lot that's cut down my self-esteem and such, but they've also done a lot for me too. I have a home, I'm well-fed, I have my own possessions, I have a car, and I have some wonderful memories with them. When I was molested, they came to my rescue and constantly stood up for me when nobody else believed me. Sometimes they're the most amazing parents I can ask for, and other times I'm afraid of them. My mother isn't that bad, but my father is the worst.",Normal +28346,"I need quiet and darkness to recover from a major trigger like that. I went inside and sat in the bathroom with the lights off. We had left the radio on in the bedroom and it was blaring so loudly, but I couldn't move I just needed to sit for a little bit. I thought I had calmed myself back down so I went into our office. He came into the office all furious.",Stress +28347,"I was working on this so hard and spent all of my money... and I just failed my driving test. Now the idea of retaking it gives me a panic attack. I started learning how to drive 4 years ago, and it was okay until I got this driving instructor. 90% of the time when I should be learning, he would be lookig on his phone and he would never point out any problems so I felt rather confident to finally try and get my license. In my country you first have to pass the test with your instructor and just then in an official institution.",Stress +28348,"I can't go anywhere without and inhaler and I tested positive for asthma even though I've never had an issue before all this happened. I'm on busphar, celexa, and atomoxetine and I've been on them longer than the hallucinations and such. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should go to get psychiatric help but now that I'm in college and only working part time I'm scared of not being able to pay the doctor bills. I don't know what to do.",Stress +28349,"She approached me and started to say something but I interrupted saying, “If this is about my phone, I am under no obligation to share with you anything that is spoken between me and a therapist, and I do not care that this is during work, I have an emergency number to call at any time when I feel like I have to, and I felt like this was important as I don’t want to go back to the psych ward.” She stopped and just said “oh, ok sorry.” I understand that this may be a negative on my performance at work, and I may not be entirely right, but I have cut myself at work (not during work but after shift and right outside at my car) and the way I was feeling I needed emergency counseling. I have tried to have a conversation with her before about how I was feeling, but it didn’t go so well since she felt like I was being rude, so while I am open to trying again, I want to know how I should go about it again and/or should I get the manager involved? Thank you for reading and I appreciate any and all responses.",Stress +28350,"I was silent and looking in his eyes. After about 2 minutes, I got off him and headed back to my room. Just as I was getting to my door he yelled something nasty. I said something like ""Go to hell"", and got in my room and closed the door. He rushed the door and I had to use my body to keep the door closed when he bashed into the door with his body twice.",Normal +28351,"I can't afford a treadmill and I'm not a big fan of gyms (plus there's none really nearby), so I'm trying to use really the one option available: going outside. This is a real problem for me and my anxiety. I feel like a gasping hippopotamus when I try running and am too embarrassed to let anyone see me like that, so every time I see a car or person, I stop running and immediately go back home. I try going outside late at night and early in the morning so I can run, but there are like always people around and it drives me insane. I don't know how to maintain the motivation to be active while dealing with my anxiety that keeps convincing me that everyone is judging me and may yell insults at me or the other side of things: may kidnap, attack or murder me (since I go out when it's pitch black outside to reduce the ability to see me).",Stress +28352,I’m really tired. It seems like the moment that I’m starting to recover or I’m starting to get some sort of progress. I get triggered and I have to start all over again. It’s so hard to see the point in fighting all of this all the time. I still live with my abuser and sometimes I can make it.,Stress +28353,Note: it was a mistake to sign the lease as I should have considered what would happen if 1 person lost their job. 6. I was notified 1 month after I returned home I would be laid off as the group was being shut down. (Note I did not make very much (low middle-upper lower class)). 7.,Normal +28354,"He became depressed and gained a lot of weight, which makes him even more insecure about his looks. He also dropped out of university but now has come back to finish his degree. About me, I’m 21 years old, already graduated from college and now working a part time job but my goal is to become a flight attendant. I’m 162cm tall and weight 49kg, so I think it’s safe to say that I look fit. I also have a good looking face, I’m quite popular at my workplace among my coworkers and customers.",Normal +28355,"once I saw the light, saw that I didn’t even know myself anymore, I shut everything down. now, maybe it doesn’t seem like all sociopaths are this way. but they are if you let them. have the strength to say no. have the strength to be YOU.",Normal +28356,"Three of them said ""so sorry I actually can't"" and gave some noncommittal excuse, whether that was work or school related (even though school only started up again about a week ago and midterms are far away). I was disappointed but figured that it happens and I can still have fun with the three other people that are coming. Only to wake up the next day and have the other three friends text me that they couldn't come either for varying reasons and they were ""so sorry"". I was so upset the entire day. I had told my mom about it and she had told me that what I didn't realize was that none of them were really my close friends, since people that are actually friends don't flake out like that, plus none of them have ever come over to my place or vice versa or done anything more than hang out every now and then.",Stress +28357,"Another time I had one was today in class. I was worrying about fainting because I fainted last week and didn't want it to happen again. Today I was feeling dizzy from worrying and I was thinking ""I need to get out of here."" I managed to calm myself down by taking deep breaths and closing my eyes before it got too bad. Can someone tell me if these were actually panic attacks?",Stress +28358,I need to see that list. I can not make a decision based on evidence I can not see. Please include that list as evidence. I very much want to see it. **,Normal +28359,"People say ""follow your gut"" but I don't even know if I have a gut feeling on this anymore because I have obfuscated it so much and overthought it to exhaustion. People have told me this is really no big deal in the long run but it feels absolutely monumental to me and will be something affecting me the rest of my life. Can any of you relate? How do you make really tough, lifelong decisions like these if you have anxiety? Thank you.",Stress +28360,"I don't think I have the means of moving out. I got my review in Dec. and I was supposed to get a raise if I did well, but they gave me a bonus instead and I know I should be grateful I got anything but it wasn't what I needed and I can't get another job at the moment, nothing in the area is hiring for more than what I make at the moment. But I don't know what to do with my family. Just this morning I heard my sister telling my parents, they should like her more because she is the winner and I am not. I think she was talking about jobs - she recently got hired at a private university and is making great money, has excellent benefits, and could help her get her Masters.",Stress +28361,I can't even talk about the day she left me because it was so traumatic. I can't even admit it to myself. It was awful beyond words and I can't tell anyone. How can I see a therapist if I'm afraid I'm going to lose my shit just opening up about that one day? I feel like it would ruin any progress I've made...I'm afraid I'm going to be hiding forever.,Stress +28362,"I cried for hours and at one point, something came over me and just slammed my head into my bathroom door. Sadly, since I'm in a dorm, it's a shitty hallow core door and it broke bad and now there is a hole that I have to figure out how to fix. It's a $100 fine if I can't figure out what to do with it so that's just compounding on the already existing stress. I have $3 to my name right now, I luckily get paid Friday so I will be able to pay for my car, but I'm still left with only $100 for 2 weeks and I have to figure out how to pay for my textbook for my night class. It's a mess and I don't know what to do right now.",Stress +28363,"She treated me like a freaked-out horse. It was clearly effective. Today, my marriage is different. My wife doesn't rely on me near as much as she did; she looks after her own affairs (poor wording, lol). She also doesn't ask for my opinion on very many things, even though she previously wanted my input on almost everything.",Normal +28364,"As you can imagine, people are not so charitable in this city, but you'd be surprised, people can be generous with what they let slide, its easier than depending on pure charity. At best with this method, you will find a series of short term places, and you will probably get into at least 1 sketchy situation, so always protect yourself and have a way out. If you haven't already, hit up the DPSS. It will take an entire day, but if you tell them you're homeless, they will give you an EBT card that day. It will literally take being homeless and penniless to be eligible for GR--cash relief, or at least that is what it took for me, but within a week or 2 after attending a GROW meeting, you should be eligible for something like 230$ in cash aid.",Normal +28365,"-What should I do when I move out? -What should I know before moving out? -How can I prepare? -I'm planning on going to a community college and then transferring to a university to get a Pharm D. Should I wait a year, work and save money before going into school? I'm getting desperate and I don't really know who or what to ask anymore",Stress +28366,"I didn't even realize I was doing it until I felt the coldness on the skin of my temple. I thought I would feel fear but all I felt was relief and how easy it would have been to end my overthinking, torturing anxiety brain. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression officially at 12. I have severe insomnia and crippling anxiety constantly which leaves me to overwhelming dark depression. I think about everything I've said and done and it feels like fight of flight all the time.",Stress +28367,"Sometimes it goes into an actual panic attack, but not too often. My husband has recently banned me from going anywhere alone unless absolutely necessary (like to work). Is this something a service dog would be helpful for? Or does it have to be a lot worse than that? Sorry if it's a weird question, it's just something I've been thinking about.",Stress +28368,"My question: how do I heal from this? As much as I wish there were a way to go back and fix my relationship with her, she deserves to heal from the damage I've done, and I have no right to ask for anything -- and so I won't. Lessons I've taken away: + I will **NEVER** do anything like this again. Too much pain for someone you love, and it's very hard to reconcile internally.",Stress +28369,"Given the diagnosis she refuses to take her prescribed medicine which is a cause for concern to me as when she is on a low, she tends to be very apathetic and rude in responses to conversation or ideas of things we can do. We live together in a house with two other people. We have our own space but the common area is shared. She has expressed that she doesn't like the living situation but the fact that it is cheap and we are all locked into a lease has prevented me from making any changes. After our lease is up I want to look for a place that the two of us both like but I am afraid it may be all for nothing.",Stress +28370,"It can influence you to lie, encourage you to do things you wouldn’t do without it. If there’s any way that you can, try to expose it for what it is. Either to yourself, or someone who supports you • Having at least one person who can support you is vital to recovering. They don’t have to know everything, or be a perfect support, but fighting alone is how eating disorders can really take over",Normal +28371,"We had signed up for the boat ride (something she was extremely excited about), but the lines got a little backed up and the time got pushed back. An hour had passed of us at the event and we were scheduled to go on the boat ride in about 15 minutes. However, since that hour had passed, her boyfriend refused to stay any longer and made both of them go home, even though she really wanted to go on the boat. These are some of the bigger events that have pissed me off; however, they have the same fight everyday regarding their differing values, and her wanting to do things/live her life and him refusing to make any sort of sacrifice or compromise to do that with her, resulting in her just settling to the situation. Since graduation, he accepted that crappy job and moved across the country, taking her with him.",Normal +28372,"Hey everyone, throwaway for personal reasons. Tonight my girlfriend met her lady friend she didn't see for a year. I bought them wine, paid for dinner and was happy to give them the entire night if they wanted to so they could spend time together. Later on in the night I received a call at 1am requesting me to take her home. I get there and there's a person I've literally never seen before, a guy.",Normal +28373,Original frustrating moment: Writing this so y'all can see what kind of people I'm dealing with! I called up the non-profit this morning to ask if I can use another identification document instead of my birth certificate because getting a BC from the clerks dept in my town cost $28 which I don't have. I asked for the girl that I talked to yesterday since she would know what my situation is but the gentlemen who answered the phone told me that she nor her supervisor was in and that I should call back on Monday and talk to Cassandra or her supervisor to reschedule my appointment that was set up for this morning. Ok I said then hung up.,Normal +28374,I don't want to lose the girl of my dreams. --- **tl;dr**: Amazing relationship > Weed addiction ruined relationship. Can/How I make her fall in love with me again? Any other opinions?,Normal +28375,"When I left my buddy's house, I went to an organic farm where I volunteered for a little while out in nature where I could clear my head. I really enjoyed it immensely but quickly realized I would not be able to get ahead or make a living for myself though I learned a lot of valuable skills that I can take with me along the way in this journey. I came back after about a month to the DFW metroplex where I reside now with my dad, step mom and 6 siblings. I stay in a humble shack in the backyard that we fixed up with a cot and a/c and an extension cord. Because of my dad allowing me to stay, I was able to get a job and am expecting my first paycheck on the 5th of September.",Normal +28376,"I have some tainted memories with my dad and have doubts about my grandpa. Anyway I don't control when some of these memories and questions pop up. I feel really bad about myself when it happens, sometimes I cry and other times I just have rage. I don't feel like I can talk about it with anyone. I could really use some advice on how to deal with these memories and emotions when they take over, or if any of you have found ways to stop memories from popping up?",Stress +28377,"I'm not getting any resources from the VA and I'm not getting better. I'm 100%, war time, service connect disabled for PTSD. I've been kicked out of the MHICM Range program because ""I'm not making enough progress”—ie not magically getting better. Im currently doing ACT therapy but it's not helping and the VA here can't offer talk therapy so they referred me to the Vet Center. After about six months there, my therapist told me I was ""too depressed to help.""",Stress +28378,"(I originally posted this somewhere else but it was taken down because someone felt it didn't belong there) I think I should start this by saying that I was originally born somewhere else and moved to my current home when I was really young. I don't really know anyone else in my family on either sides, other than my mom, dad, and my brother. I have never really been close to anyone in my entire life besides my grandparents on my mom's side, and my music teacher. Except my grandparents died when I was 8 years old (both within the span of 5 months of each other) and my music teacher had to quit his job as he was struggling economically.",Normal +28379,"Hey everyone! I'm going to start by saying that if you're reading this I hope you're doing well and are having a really good day. I apologize that this post is long but if you could read through the whole thing so that you understand the situation then I would really appreciate it! So as the title says, I have a friend who is currently struggling with severe depression. I care very much about her and am very concerned for her well-being.",Normal +28380,"Context: My father-in-law is/was the ultimate handyman, he could do practically everything round the house. He undertook a massive project to essentially redo the entire house by himself. At the time of this post it has been 7 years on going and had faced innumerous delays. The biggest restrictions was of course money, my father-in-law refused to get any contractors, in the belief they were too expensive and wouldn't do the job to the standard he wanted, he also sourced all the materials from back yard sales and contacts.",Normal +28381,"In the first month I was living here, I was doing a lot of really self-destructive things and ended up hospitalising myself, but now I have a job and am working very heavy hours to keep myself busy, and am not drinking heavily or using drugs or self-harming. Unfortunately, I'm also more or less repressing all my feelings, and I'm having trouble with mood swings (particularly anger), anxiety and more recently, daily migraines. Any suggestions? Particularly suggestions for someone who works 40+ hours a week, so doesn't have much time to relax anyway? I hate living here, but don't have much choice for the foreseeable future.",Stress +28382,"Please tell it to me JNMIL, I just don't know what to think any more. Am I unempathetic? Am I in a JNMIL situation with a FH who can't be helped? **TL;DR** My fiancé has banned me from asking questions about his relationship with his mother, after I questioned the need to visit her for the fifth time in five days (4x+/week since we moved in together). Edited to add: I have often turned up and helped.",Stress +28383,My friends are getting kind of weirded out by all of this and I am running out of excuses for my boyfriend. I dont want to break up because other than this one issue he is a wonderful partner and I really enjoy my time with him. How can I address this issue and cone to a reasonable compromise? --- **tl;dr**: boyfriend wont hang around my friends since i slept with some of them.,Normal +28384,"WARNING: Messy post, I'm really all over the place, sorry guys. I have a lot on my mind. Hope you can make the best of this text. Also sorry for any spelling errors, english isn't one of my talents. Me and my boyfriend has been dating for over a year now.",Stress +28385,"I can afford it alone. He just has nowhere else to go. His wages are low, he relies on me for transportation. I actually have to leave my job during the day to drive him to work. It is tough on me to do that.",Stress +28386,"Their system is similar to Lego - A one Family house could be build in only 5 days and costs so little that everyone can buy one ( THIS WAS A WOW EFFECT FOR ME ) And it cleans up the environment from all that nasty plastic. I personally LOVE that Idea and think that concepts like this are ( or at least should be) the future of Construction and Real Estate As far as I know, their technology is still open source and they just start business - I can smell great opportunities for Entrepreneurs here! Here is the Link to an article about them on their own Eco -News Platform; for everyone interested into it: ",Normal +28387,"I can't remember what was in the marital home when I left. I left under duress. I am still piecing together weird, incongruous chunks of time, flashbacks, disjointed memories, and trying to figure out what happened; it seems like my brain just can't access specific details when I'd like it to. The problem here, other than everything, is that I don't feel like my attorney gets why I'm such a useless participant right now, and I could use some advice on explaining it. Do I have my therapist call my attorney?",Stress +28388,"Please leave a comment below or DM me if you're interested in being interviewed! The discussion should be relatively short and will be limited to what you're comfortable discussing. I'm more than willing to accommodate your preferred interview method. I'm comfortable with email, Reddit, Skype, or any other platform. ​",Normal +28389,"If it helps, I just started taking a new birth control that’s a bit stronger than what I was on before, so I’m relatively sure that’s why I feel bad RIGHT NOW. But it’s still bad enough that I can’t do much for myself, and I just don’t understand why they can’t believe that. I think they must see me as a burden or something because it seems like they don’t think I’m worth helping if my problem stems from anxiety rather than a different(“real”) illness. and they’ve decided they are the judges of that, not me or my doctors. I just don’t know what to do.",Stress +28390,"I've moved to a safe and accepting space and have my life on track to going good places. However, the therapy is going to be a challenge. I have found prescription medication to be useful for getting the most out of therapy in the past, but I don't experience symptoms the way I used to. Besides, the side effects Lexapro had eventually outweighed its benefits as I healed. Therefore, I decided to buy a 1oz, 300mg CBD oil (Elixinol) tincture just to try.",Normal +28391,"They love you and are very loyal to you. They also have individual personalities. Alaska is a funny bunny who stomps her hind legs if she doesn't get her own way (she always wants treats but she can't always have it) but my friends rabbit is a sleepy type one who will jump on your bed, try to steal your food and won't stop eating it's own food. People may quickly think ""drugs"" but just try and quickly think ""animals"" unless you are dangerous when you have your episodes or become angry after them. Just think that all of that drug money some people spend could go on raising and giving a loving home to an animal who will heal him/her.",Normal +28392,"3. I leave fairly often for extended periods for work. On one of my work trips I was gone for two weekends. I trust my BF and don’t mind if he goes out. The first weekend he said he didn’t do anything and just stayed home, yet through my friend’s FB I could see that he added three girls as friends.",Normal +28393,"She is very sweet and I love her immensely. I can't leave her where I am currently for fear of her being neglected. She is very attached to me. I will have no choice but to live in my car for the foreseeable future, which leaves me with the issue of what to do with her. I can't keep her locked in my car all day.",Stress +28394,"Either way, I can’t see anyone genuinely liking me. My mum sincerely told me she loved me a few days ago, and I had a hard time believing that. I hate to diminish her own thoughts and feelings, but I felt as though she’s deluded to be able to love me. Anxiety sucks. I wish I could look at things rationally and objectively.",Stress +28395,"So I'm unemployed, broke, no car or drivers licence (its suspended due to unpaid tickets). Unemployment ran out a month ago and I have no savings. I got a 5 day sheriff lockout two days ago and have until Monday morning to clear out. I pretty much have to leave my stuff behind because I can't afford storage nor can I take it with me on the streets. I'm in the San Fernando valley, Los Angeles County California.",Stress +28396,"I don't think I've ever felt soo intimidated by someone before. I feel like I'm going to melt whenever I'm around him. Although you're thinking, what's the worst that can happen. He rejects you? Previously, I made a stupid attempt to try and hook up with him during one of my ""breaks"" with my boyfriend (we previously broken up for a few months, but got back together during the 3 years together).",Normal +28397,"Every cent right now is going towards making sure I don't end up homeless (I've gotten forbearance on my car payment for the moment) and it's looking grim. **[I feel embarrassed asking for help, but here is my Amazon I couldn't figure out how to share my Walmart list... If anyone knows how, please let me know. Also, if you know of cheaper/better items I could add, please let me know.",Normal +28398,"(God bless.) He was very caring at a first glance, but as the relationship went on I started discovering deeper things about him. Please be understanding that at the time I dated this guy I was around 14 or 15. He got off to IRL gore. You may think, well that's weird, but that's not the abusive part.",Normal +28399,"Any suggestions? I apologize if this is trivial in nature. Thanks for the help. EDIT: I should also mention that when I do fall asleep, I snore REALLY loudly and I can hear myself in my sleep. My boyfriend says that it sounds like I'm not breathing or trying to breathe.",Normal +28400,I really want others who can relate to the PTSD aspect to talk to. Not just anxiety but actual PTSD issues. I made a small little discord if anyone wants to join and just talk. If there's a bigger better one let me know! ,Normal +28401,"When I dare to open up to my friends, they tell me ‘Oh, my brother used to fight with me too’ and I feel diminished and dismissed. Since I left home at 21 and moved to the other side of the country I tried to talk up my family. I started from a place of recognising their vulnerability, justifying their actions by saying they were distracted by our financial woes and my dads early onset dementia. I told everyone they were amazing people. For the past two decades I have fought my body.",Normal +28402,"So I've been taking Zoloft for several months and it has been working well for anxiety/depression but I'm having some problems with it. The biggest problem is that my mind feels blank a majority of the time. When conversing with other people sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to say. I feel as if I am less witty, and also less creative. I've backed down my dosage from 100mg to 50mg with some success as I don't feel as 'spaced out'.",Stress +28403,"I have a day off from school and I was going to walk about 3 miles, from Sun City to the lakes of Menifee today (to get a free phone because I am on EBT and my phone broke recently). I have not eaten breakfast or any food for a while. I know I have asked and received before and I am grateful but I don't think mentally I can handle not eating something today. Help or no help, Thank you for reading my message, hope you have a good day!",Stress +28404,"However my job is physically laborious as I start at 2 a.m. and don't wrap up until 1 p.m. I'm currently relying on co-workers get to and from since my car is out of order, so I don't have time to run to the supermarket to ask any of them to help me buy groceries to pay them back later. I've run out of the pantry food, and ended of my work day early today due to feeling sick. I'm assuming it's a stomach virus, as I was home by 10:30 a.m. today, slept for a few hours, and ended up hurling everything in my stomach by 2:30 p.m. Please, I need a hot meal, even if it's from the local Chinese place.",Stress +28405,"She desperately needs to see an oncologist or something about these tumors she's developed. It's breaking my heart seeing her like this. Other family members, all of whom are in Canada agree that going back to Canada (we moved to Texas in 95) would be good but her excuse is that there's no jobs. Also her not having a passport (it use to only be a green card required to travel across the border to Canada) is probably deterring that option. Thank you Reddit.",Normal +28406,"I'm upset, and the fact that I don't know whether I should be upset is making me more upset. I realize there's something crazy privileged about the whole thing (parents want me to spend more money? i should xpost to r/firstworldproblems!) If this really is an absurd thing to worry about, sorry for making you read through this thesis but please do let me know because I'm just really confused and sad. TL;DR: Mom accuses me of not valuing the benefit of earning money because I don't like to spend it, though getting a good job is pretty much all i've been focusing on.",Stress +28407,"I didn't understand why he wanted to get me an erection, and I certainly didn't want him to do that to me, but he did. I think I was around 11 at the time It's been 10 years. My relationship with that cousin isn't a bad one as of now. Remembering all these things has caused me some distress, even though I doubt if this event qualifies as abuse...",Stress +28408,Today it all came to a head when no amount of uppers or downers was leveling me out. I had a meeting to run at 1. I had lunch with a customer at 12. I had a calls all morning...and you know what? I couldn't do it.,Stress +28409,"Hello everyone. I am wondering what experiences people have with using Mirtazapine as their main antidepressant for depressive and anxious symptoms (low energy, heavy feeling, irritability, concentration problems, insomnia, inability to complete mundane everyday tasks, social anxiety, fear of embarrassment, worry or overthinking about socialization, etc)? I am in therapy using a mixed method approach so suggestions of therapy aren't relevant. I have just begun proper psychotherapy, and I am looking for something to help me when dealing with reality outside the therapist office. My depression/anxiety has been building over the past 3 months after a long remission period and due to current circumstances has nearly swung full steam over my everyday life.",Stress +28410,"He was born addicted to several different drugs. He has ADHD and ODD I have a 9 year old. He has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Aspergers, and severe anxiety and OCD. And I have an 8 year old.",Normal +28411,"I have the scars, medical records, injuries, memories, and nightmares. I know it's caused me to suffer from CPTSD. But has it caused me to lose my mind? I can't remember agreeing to dismiss. I don't understand the response email, and I refuse to assign meaning by reading into her response.",Stress +28412,**We strongly emphasize that some of the images included are extremely graphic suicide-related images. Some people may feel that these images are very disturbing and may find them to be triggering. ** 2. All information collected will be kept anonymous.,Normal +28413,"Edited to add: I am unable to work, my disabilities are worsening frighteningly quick and I have no doctor, plus I keep getting dismissed at the ER. I've been struggling more and more with breathing and movement, I even had to start using a wheelchair. I have severe digestive issues and they've gotten so much worse I bleed when I go to the toilet. I'm in chronic pain and chronic nausea, it's like having the stomach flu forever stuff keeps coming out. So I *really* can't work.",Stress +28414,"I'm 33 years old and support and live my own life. My parents are in their 70s and retired. They always tend to worry, so this was something I knew they really couldn't do anything about so I didn't want them to worry for nothing. There's also just the mental health stigma and as a guy that makes it harder too. I also have a sister that I have never been very close to.",Normal +28415,"But I noticed recently, that my sleeping problems might have a reason. I first thought it‘s just something physical, the lack of iron in my blood or something.. never thought it would be something this deep. This post isn‘t especially for discussions, I just really wanted to post my story. Of course you can comment, I would love to discuss some stuff with you guys. Thank you for reading.",Normal +28416,"I won't defend myself, I know I shouldn't have raised my voice and I should have left much much earlier. I know who I am. That said.. Every day, I see a look that tells me a person I know loathes me. A thin veneer of social platitudes to cover a roiling hatred. I don't know what to write past this point.",Stress +28417,I knew something was up with me. My thoughts were consuming me. Couldn’t sleep. Stressed. Worried about anything and everything.,Stress +28418,night sweats (bed stinks so bad and I have to wash the sheets daily and my bedroom is 68 degrees and I only sleep with sheets.) night terrors (re-occuring dream: waking up with the feeling that I am supposed to tell someone something to prevent an awful occurrence from happening but unable to say the words. The words just won't come out) Wife scared to wake me up because I am fearfully jumpy and suffer from panic attacks upon awaking. depression,Stress +28419,"I can't be having PTSD from something as mild as what happened even though I have pretty much all the symptoms. I feel I'm just lying to myself. I probably just want attention. I feel like a huge fraud... How am I even supposed to ""heal"" when I'm probably making everything up, I'm probably not broken, I'm just going to get yelled at again at the new therapy place like my last one because I'll be mute every session (don't even know why, I tell myself ""because I'm not ready to talk about it"" but it's been over 5 years since the last case and all this crap is minor, so it's probably just being ashamed over doing all this crap for god-knows-why when barely anything happened to me...), because ""I'm not trying"". I don't even know why I'm posting this, probably just begging for more attention, I've pushed the last true friend I had away a few days ago over my fears of therapy.",Stress +28420,Shortly after anxiety set in. Not a totally unfamiliar feeling but there wasn't any clear indication as to why I Was feeling this way. Let me explain why I can't go over the fact that this feels different this time. 2 Usually there is one thing single thing that triggers my anxiety.,Stress +28421,"I'm not against working my ass off, I'm just getting down right now, no responses to applications can do that. I'm in a state that doesn't even have a real art school. I have no funds whatsoever, no family to help, I don't know where to go from here? Like how do you even apply for scholarships? How do I not starve to death if I can get to art school?",Stress +28422,I originally posted this in a relationship advice subreddit... but I figured here would be a more helpful and sympathetic audience. (CW: this post might be triggering to others who have experienced domestic violence.) I’ve been with my current partner (we’ll call him James) for about a year and a half now. And our relationship is great. We were friends for almost a year before we started dating.,Normal +28423,"So I got freaked out and cancelled again. Now I’m worried they’ll find out about it later and send me to collections to damage my credit and ruin my life without me ever knowing. I hope this sounds crazy to everyone else as well because it’s eating me alive. Nothing helps at this point, not even medication. Why do I always do this?",Stress +28424,"How do I change the way I'm thinking about this so I can understand I shouldn't be catching feelings despite having sex with her? Which admittedly, I have been catching some feelings for her. But I want this to continue since I enjoy her company and we vibe well together. --- **tl;dr**: I met this cool girl that I might have feelings for but she told me she has no current intention to date, so we're really just FWB that hangout.",Normal +28425,"But those are your most valuable skills, they are your surviving skills. And yeah, not everyone has them. Here is how you can translate your survivor skills into your further success. ​ Time management and Organization",Normal +28426,"The connection was 100% real and 100% mutual, no way around it and it’s the first time I’ve felt that way about someone in 8 years. Being around her lit a fire in me again - I wanted to be a better man because of her. I was sweet to her but not overly so, her son was with his dad for Christmas and I sent her flowers since I knew she was feeling down. She called me the next day and was so grateful and loved them. I was complementary of her and she ate it up and asked me in a non-guilty (more of an “I love how you are to me” way) why I’m so sweet to her.",Normal +28427,"I figured hey in this world of the internet there is bound to be a video clip of it! But no, it seems like there is no way at all to see it unless you live in the UK. Very frustrating, my grandmother is very old and has been very excited about this, and I just want to bring her some joy. If anyone can somehow find the video link, I’m missing it somehow, I would be so very grateful. I know it’s called “the royal rebel” and it aired on BBCtwo in the UK.",Normal +28428,"Hello people of this sub, recently i think im suffering with a light case of stress. I constantly think about dying and it terrifies me, especially after learning that stress can kill you. I dont really feel any of the sympthoms that usually come with stress like loss of apetite and rarely i haver my heart beating too fast and i wanted to know if my situation can turn into something worse like an heart attack or something like that. I know that my case isnt the worse one but it still freaks me out. Thanks for the help.",Stress +28429,I get home and go to bed and then struggle getting up in the morning. I’m trying so hard but I feel like I just can’t get it right. I feel stupid for literally everything I’ve done in life so far and the way I’ve gone about things. I’m terrified that letting this out will ruin me. I try so hard to pretend everything is ok and I just can’t anymore.,Stress +28430,"Some details changed for anonymity. Also, let me know if there's a better place for me to post this. My wife and I are trying to help a family member in an abuse situation. I'll call her Amanda and her ""boyfriend"" John. Amanda and John live a few hours away.",Normal +28431,"I work with her sister. Her sister got me this great job at our firm after I was introduced through a mutual friend and hit it off. I'm not unqualified, but her recommendation certainly helped. I met my ex through her sister. Her sister is charming, personable, but also the most vindictive person I've ever seen.",Normal +28432,"I’m not sure if this makes a difference, but my mom also had it for a while when my dad died, so I’m not sure if that has any effect on me or not. I was just wondering if anybody out there could confirm or deny that this is PTSD, even with the pretty limited information I’ve provided. Even though it’s not really serious, I would still like to know. Thanks in advance, and feel free to ask questions if you have any! -JimmyJuicebox",Normal +28433,"The survey will only take about 5 to 10 minutes and all we ask is that you are at least 18 years old and only fill out the survey once! We are hoping to reach 1000 responses but the more the merrier, so please also spread it among your friends and family! Feel free to comment below if you have any questions and I’ll try my best to answer them. Here’s the link: Edit: I've already posted this to r/SampleSize, but if anyone else know a good sub to send this to, please let me know!",Normal +28434,"I have anxiety ptsd depression and a severe eating disorder, she has severely crippling anxiety she needs meds for that we have to pay out of pocket for. We have until Feb on this lease and then we are done with this hell >We dont buy anything other tthan necessities but the rents so fucking high >We dont even have car insurance anymore bc we cant afford it >Often I have to work on an empty stomach, days at a time",Stress +28435,"This time, the school is way bigger and there are so many rooms scattered around the school. Just worried that I won’t be able to find my class. How am I supposed to know where my room is? This school is so large. I’m not ready for this.",Stress +28436,"I get where she's coming from, but only if there had been inappropriate conversation or actions on my or my ex wife's part. My ex wife and I have literally zero feelings for each other, other than friendship and concern for one another as we are our son's parents. I don't know really what to do at this point. Maybe someone can give me some insight? ---",Stress +28437,The informed consent form at the beginning of the survey provides more information. Please click the link to access the survey: [survey Feel free to share the survey with friends and family who meet the survey requirements. You may ask any questions you have now or later by contacting Lena by email at . Thank you in advance!,Normal +28438,"When you go to bmv/dmv they require a physical as well as mailing address when getting ID or drivers license. For the physical address you can use something descriptive such as ""street name "" mile marker 3 or under bridge at Dawson/Racine. Where ever you ""live"". I never knew this until recently and now I try to tell every houseless person I meet just in case. They might look at you weird in the office when you tell them your address but oh well!",Normal +28439,"His mom came, he freaked out and got angry. He almost slammed the door on his mom's head/hand and I freaked out and pushed him away from the door. He got angry that I assaulted him and threatened to take me to court. His mom freaked out over the condition he was in. She ended up taking him to the ER so we could see if he could set up an appointment and get medication on spot (we never dealt with something like this and didn't know the procedure).",Normal +28440,"They took me to a Bar and bought me a beer.. ‘Tonight you sleep here’, miming sleep and pointing at a long wooden table. So night 1 was in a bar. And so it went, I’d arrive in some village at night and just be sitting on a curb waiting for some opportunity to arise when people would retire and I could sleep rough. Almost every second night, I seemed to be engaged by some local who would take me home: to sleep in a heavenly bed, to sleep in a barn, to sleep on a floor.. whatever, I was inside and it cost my small purse nothing.",Normal +28441,"It's something that I continually come back to when I am thinking about my anxiety, and how it manifests. Lately, I have found some consistent stability with zoloft, and therapy. Long story short, after about half a year of being unemployed due to panic attacks at work causing me to be miserable, I am ~5 weeks back into a new job in a different field, on an SSRI, and feeling more or less great. As a result, I've had some more time to focus on what actually triggers my anxiety, rather than fighting off daily bouts of throwing up from panic. Sometimes, it's reading about politics, other times, it's ruminating over a perceived medical issue, or something ""big"" I need to do at work, or in the near future.",Normal +28442,"My mom is living on borrowed time and she needs cardiac surgery. The whole thing costs around €8000 ($11800) and needless to say, we can't afford it. I'm on my way to becoming a doctor myself (in my final year of med school) and seeing her like this without being able to do anything to help her is breaking me. I love her so much. We have no one else and the constant pressure is killing me.",Stress +28443,"I am 26 but I have many years ahead of me still to go. As always, any questions please ask away, share your experiences or even just give some information on how you cope. I hope you enjoyed reading this (as morbid as it sounds) but this was the hardest to write, a step forward to finally making it public. I have quite a few things going on for the next couple of weeks so will be taking a break from writing. Expect the next part around the 15th.",Normal +28444,"I've hit a roadblock and I need your help. I created a Gofundme campaign just to try and get my foot in the door. You can check it out at and please, if you're not able to donate, please share it with anyone you know who might, or any groups you might be a member of who might help. I'm 30 years old now and have nothing to show for it, and I'd like to change that. Thank you all and good karma for everyone.",Normal +28445,"My memory goes, I panic, breakdown, rock back and forth, sit in closets. It sucks. But it's kind of relieving at the same time because while I'm broken I'm not choosing to be dramatic. I'm not just being manipulative. It's not my fault.",Stress +28446,"And no friends are close enough to help her. Additionally, she is kind of scared of strangers because of her past of abuse. I live in a different country so I cannot help her as best as she needs. She has attempted suicide multiple times. I have been successful in saving her every time - with throwing up the pills and or calling an ambulance or whatever may be necessary.",Stress +28447,"I was sexually abused when I was a kid and I suspect that I have PTSD because of it. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I have been diagnosed with agoraphobia. I rarely leave my house. I'm not really anxious about leaving my house and once I get somewhere, I'm usually fine. I just have a very strong feeling of not being able to leave my house.",Stress +28448,"She is friends with a buddy of mine, but her and I are not even facebook friends or anything, we talked five or six times in these two years and never anything big, just small talk. A few months after starting classes, my buddy told me that Chloe has a crush on me, and gave me the impression that she wanted me to be aware of this, however, even after that, she didn’t try to talk to me or make herself noticed at all. She is a pretty girl, the artsy kind that likes to travel, read poetry and paint, coincidentally the exact opposite of my girlfriend who has very different hobbies. Like I said, I love Alice and I didn’t think much of it. Her avoidant behaviour hasn’t changed and I didn’t approach her either.",Normal +28449,I have been trying to find an answer to this question over 6 months. My story starts when I changed while my life for the man I loved by believing him that he loves me and moving to California from Israel. Since I was the one who were going to take the big step I had many concerns yet he always literally begged me to move here... finally I did move here and we got married. After a while I found out from a Facebook message that he has been cheating on me all those time that he was begging me to move in with him. I asked him about the message and he lied about it over an hour.,Stress +28450,"So, Kim Jong Un actually gave a rare, personal response to Donald Trump's speech and my god is it chilling. He mentions late in the speech that he is thinking about his hardest response possible to Trump's speech at the U.N. and even threatens to tame the 'dotard' with fire. My thoughts: This is bad. Really bad. Who knows what he could be planning?",Stress +28451," --- **tl;dr**: met a friend of a friend at a party. over the past couple days, he's been msging my girlfriend about random shit but isn't actually being too creepy. She no longer wants to talk to him and ignores his messages, but he keeps messaging anyway. She wants him to stop while minimizing drama/confrontation, but I'm not sure if it's possible.",Normal +28452,"Thank you in advance to anyone that can give me advice. I am 19M, currently enrolled in the local community college (TCC) and working part time. I have been living with my parents, but due to a disagreement, will have to be moving out by next Monday at the latest. I don't have much savings as I have not made the best decisions so far...I'm working on fixing that, but in the mean time, I have around $1000 to my name and I make around $900 a month. It looks like I will be loaned a vehicle by my parents, a 1997 F150, but it has 380k miles, and is breaking down/needs new tires.",Normal +28453,"My anxiety was never too bad, lots of what ifs and such. But every summer I come home from school, or it gets so much worse. I love school. I love learning computer science, I love working on my projects. But this small town has 0 CS options for jobs, so I'm stuck working these dead end temp factory jobs all summer.",Stress +28454,"Rambling about that is over. I would like to save up while doing this over the next couple of months, get my finances back in order, and pay monthly on a land owner finance piece of raw land without covenant restrictions at around $200 a month (that is a possibility in my area, at about 2 acres) and get a tiny building on it or build an earthbag home - somewhere along those lines. The only real concern I have is electricity to do the editing work, but I figure if I do the work I need to do, head to a McDonalds/park/etc to recharge, then I can do alright. I'll be able to store the DJ gear for when its not being used for free. I have a battery charger/car jumper combo I'm keeping in my car I can use for small electronics, and I'm pretty sure I'll have friends who I can see for a couple hours to charge that once a week, and see friends I haven't in years (which obviously is the best part!)",Normal +28455,This past week when my phone bill payment wouldn't process I called my bank and an automated recording asked me to confirm my recent transactions. All of them were me attempting to pay my phone bill. I confirmed them. They all went through. I can't catch a break though that got fixed.,Normal +28456,"On the off days where I don't remember them I still wake up feeling tired, wake up multiple times. I just feel like I cant sleep like normal. Any advice on what else I can do? Should I try to get a sleep study done? Ways to get out of the funk these put me in?",Stress +28457,"Total time apart was maybe 24 hours. Second time, he first asked for a ""break,"" then, unsurprisingly, ended if for good. A month or two after that we met up again, he said he wanted to get back together, then the next time told me it would never happen. Not even three weeks ago, he messages me again asking to meet up, and me thinking with my heart not my head, said yes. I knew I wanted to only maybe be friends, and take it slow to see what happened.",Normal +28458,I have NOONE to talk too. = stress I've taken dbt/cbt classes. Yes I've tried grounding techniques and get frustrated after a bunch don't work. Cannot Afford a pyscologist.,Stress +28459,"Yes, you should! And we planned for that. Because the data is stored in an encrypted Google Firebase server, you can download the app again and use their same username and password to retrieve their plan. So if you go to Walmart to get a burner phone (or when we provide one, in some cases), you can install it on that device as well. Here's the [iOS ",Normal +28460,Another issue is that both women are on the autism spectrum. My wife is quite high on it and the woman is quite low on it. My wife seems to think that there is nothing wrong with our marriage but we have not been intimate for 10 years. It's really hurting. I just don't want to hurt anyone but I know deep down that it's me that's hurt.,Stress +28461,"I really don't know what's wrong with me lately. It seems like every day I'm having some kind of meltdown and I don't know how to get back to normal. The other night I had a massive flashback, no idea what triggered it. It came out of nowhere. And for about two weeks now I feel constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack.",Stress +28462,"PS: I forgot to mention and I don't know where to put this back so here it goes. Her parents have 2 big houses, I live in a 1 room small apartment. One of her brothers lived in the 2nd house of her parents and left last year so we where fixing it (it was a completely mess, we had to spend a LOT of money to make it habitable. We were planing to move before Christmas but I put all on hold for her thesis so she could focus on that. She said plenty of times that my apartment was a big issue for her because it was so small and that when we moved to her parent's 2nd house we would have a great improvement in our relationship and our life.",Normal +28463,"I'd like to note that I have had a couple close individuals look at my emails, evidence, etc since the last court date. I'm not that crazy, but I showed them the emails because I wanted to make sure they were real. The emails, evidence, and notes are all real. I checked my phone history, and the phone calls to the advocate and office are all logged and sufficient in length to indicate that an actual conversation occurred. I never doubted reality before the abuse, and I have never done so outside of the abuse.",Normal +28464,"My bf and I went to his parents place in Iowa over Christmas. Over the years, I have always known that his parents don't absolutely love me but I didn't realize that they actually dislike me until this time I visited them. His dad is a difficult person to begin with, which is well known by everyone and he kept making little jabs at me and insulting me. For example, he asked if I am a citizen and how long I have been one, I mentioned that I have never watched Harry Potter and he ""jokingly"" asked me if I was busy clubbing and talking to boys and doubted my upbringing, and when I was using my bfs phone, he asked me why I am using it and if I am reading his texts. These are just a couple examples and there are many more.",Stress +28465,"Child protective services were called and I was interviewed. I told them nothing of the sexual abuse, only the physical and emotional, as well as his constant threats to ""break your arm in that goddamn door if you don't sit fucking still"" I was removed from my home in two days and placed in a foster home until my biological father could drive up and take me to what was supposed to be my real home. On my mothers side of the family I have an aunty and my nene along with various cousins. My father kept me separated from them for two years, finally relenting when I cried and begged to see them.",Stress +28466,"A little over two years ago I visited a psychiatrist for the first time and was prescribed lexapro for social/generalized anxiety and depression. At the time, both my psychiatrist and therapist thought I was in the mild to moderate range. Lexapro was good. It was great, really. I wasn't born with depression.",Normal +28467,"I would like to surprise my friend with the kindness of strangers by crowd funding her vet bill. Please take a look at the [gofundme I have set up. Any and all donations are greatly appreciated. Even if you are unable to donate, shares on facebook and twitter will be very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my request.",Normal +28468,"My wife is a school teacher who works in an inner city school with kids that literally shake in the morning because their parents don't A: feed them dinner B: get them to school early enough for the free breakfast. So we have been buying them little food care packages to take home, which is a little pricy and I feel like our dollars can go further... I am looking for any recommendations on ways to get the food cheaper.",Normal +28469,"What is going on? What has happened, and what do I do? I still feel that my sanity, happiness and stability are better than they have ever been but this is an anvil on my head. Hashtag ???????????????????????????????????? ?",Stress +28470,"We have dinner, we get drinks, and I agree to try again. I want to say here, I have never had this kind of behavior before. When I’ve broken up with someone, or had them break up with me, even if I’m heartbroken I’ve always been done. So I don’t know what the disconnect is here. It’s been a little over two weeks now we’ve been seeing each other again.",Normal +28471,"But I really do enjoy being with him and don't want to break up either. Am I being silly? Sometimes I think I'm making this a bigger deal than it should be. I get insecure about the fact that my high school boyfriend is the only one who actually asked me out on a date before we slept together. Every other guy it's always turned out the same- I come on to him, we have sex for a while and the guy maintains he wants nothing serious, then out of nowhere comes on really strong with marriage and kids talk.",Stress +28472,"At the moment my prediction is to spend the year attending classes, applying for scholarships, and working during the day before couch hopping with a few friends for a month or 2 and spending the rest of the time staying in hostels when I can or sleeping on the streets when I can't before hopefully getting into college where I'll have a reliable bed. TL;DR: Working on boosting my resume, making friends that I can couch hop with for some time, and getting a paying job. Thanks for your time! Edit: Holy shit, thanks for the gold! I have no clue why you'd go and do somethin like that, but I appreciate it nonetheless!",Normal +28473,"I'm included in that group. 1/4 of the homeless people I know are sexual predators, child molesters, or rapists. They're the ones with the GPS monitoring bracelets. 1/50 on GPS didn't do something sexually to an unwilling participant. That's good to know...",Normal +28474,"His refusal to admit to anything though has me worried this is part of ongoing deception/cheating. When he completely denies knowing anything about it I just don't know what I can do with that. It feels like my options are to get over it/give him the benefit of the infinitesimal doubt or leave him over the inferred deception. I guess I have mostly just let it go but then every so often I remember about it and can't help but wonder, am I a colossal idiot, is he taking me for a ride? **Tl;dr** Found an okcupid profile for my husband, he denies knowing anything about it",Stress +28475,"This is mostly a reminder to myself to use the pill box I purchased awhile ago rather than just taking pills straight from the bottle. I just felt like I needed to get this out there somewhere, somehow. UPDATE 02/02/17: If you're like me, you obsessively search forums like this one, so I thought I'd post what happened since then. It took me awhile to find a psychiatrist that was accepting patients, but I finally saw one yesterday. In regards to the strange symptoms I had as a result of taking the 2nd pill by accident, she said that ""since 20mg is already the max dose of Lexapro, taking 40mg could produce psychotic symptoms.""",Normal +28476,How do I know if I need help? Please I need help understanding. I can't even explain my problem in this state. I don't know how to do anything in this state. I need to make sure I won't die.,Stress +28477,"And enjoy this day of the miracle that is being above-ground, breathing the air, and feeling the world around you. If anything like this has happened (or is happening) to you, know that there's at least one guy out there who can relate. Time tends to heal all wounds. I guess I'll go take my kid for a walk. ---",Normal +28478,"You can read the full terms and instructions here: ​ These mini grants are not intended to only be awarded to scientists or policy majors: we want to receive applications from people who are artists, community organizers, you name it. Awards will be reviewed as they come in; no waiting until March (in case that's a concern).",Normal +28479,"However 4 months ago I moved to a different country for education. We met a handful number of times before I left and they weren’t dates exactly, just as best friends. After I got here (foreign country) we have been speaking almost daily on the phone and gotten even more closer. We recently started dropping hints to each other that we like each other and finally decided to discuss what we feel. She told me she loves me and wants a relationship.",Normal +28480,"I have to first start off by saying my voice is not high-pitched. My inflection occasionally goes up, especially if I'm excited about something. I'm sort of expressive with my hands while talking, though I don't think more than anyone else, male or female. She tells me this is the only thing that is making her doubt our relationship. A little background: this has been an issue with her for her last several boyfriends.",Normal +28481,"(I really did). If she needed space to do homework, thats perfectly fine. I did my best to assuage her anxiety. So we'd postpone another week, another day... only, either the night before or the morning of, she'd cancel me visiting again... again.. and again... That put a little strain on our relationship, we wanted to see each other.",Normal +28482,"I plan on parking my truck there and hanging out until I have to work and get supplies. I rarely see cops on the highway where the old road starts nor have I heard about cops going into the area. As for thieves or strangers, I have a rifle and once I have a tent I'll use it as binoculars to see anyone coming. Obviously if I'm in my truck I'll just drive away. Can't think of anything else to worry about.",Normal +28483,"Weird title I know but I really couldn’t find any other way to describe what I’m feeling and I really struggled to think if I should post this on here or another group So for as long as I can remember I’ve always been attracted to women and only women I had absolutely no interest in men at all A few years back I had my first relationship which was really manipulative and physically abusive and I haven’t been on any dates since then Recently though (like in the last two weeks) it’s accused to me that bar an old crush from before my ex “kinda-sorta” coming back I haven’t found any women attractive at all in a while at least a year and whenever I see someone I would have normally found attractive I just get a nervous/uncomfortable feeling I can’t really describe I’m not sure if this is a response to how my ex used to get abusive if she thought I was attracted to her (like she’d insist I must want to rape her if I called her beautiful for example) and I know for a long time afterwards I felt disgusted with myself if I found someone attractive so this may just be the next step in that, like my mind doesn’t want me to feel bad for finding someone attractive so it stops finding people attractive",Stress +28484,"Because any potential new employer is always going to ask why I got kicked out of the academy, and as soon as drugs are mentioned, there's no fucking way I can compete with anyone else. And they'd probably want to talk to one of the bosses that fired me as reference to see if I'm lying, so I doubt I could cover it up. On top of this, there is no fucking way I can go back to my hometown. The family I have there will be so embarrassed and let down. They've been really proud of me and telling everyone about what I do for a living.",Stress +28485,"Is it also possible that since I was so young, my mind distorted and hid these memories to make them less painful? I don't know what brought them back. I'm not in therapy nor have I been actively seeking any type of ""breakthrough"". I was sexually assaulted when I was 14 by a close friend's boyfriend, and the memories didn't come back then. What I feel right now, is mirroring how I felt then but honestly it might be worse.",Stress +28486,"I'm constantly worrying, snapping off at my kids or even total strangers over trivial things, and have panic attacks so bad that I shake and can't catch my breath. The dr was very nice and understanding of what I was going through. She prescribed Buspar, which i'm not very familiar with. If you are or have taken it, how helpful was it for you? I realize everyone is different but just looking for general experiences, or anything else I need to know about it.",Stress +28487,He goes in the bedroom and we only have one car so he has to take me to work. He is just sitting on the bed and I have to be at work in literally 16 minutes (I live close to my work). I said come on you're going to make me late and he said well find the fucking car keys. So I started looking then he found them. Then honestly he was just going on and on and yelling at me and I tuned out what he was saying so I don't even remember.,Stress +28488,But as the Bible says evil doesn’t win and the righteous will not be condemned. I don’t want to say I’m the most perfect person ever. But God knows my heart! I am the most compassionate loving forgiving person ever. Surely God didn’t allow all of this to happen for nothing other than big positive changes to come about.,Normal +28489,"This battle has been in the making for years. It is now that the tension, the desperation for a resolution comes to a head. It is in this moment that I declare that there will be violence between me and I until one of us lay upon the ground in defeat. I will no longer accept the status quo that exists. An existence that is questionable “mediocre” at best, for with all my highs come so many lows.",Normal +28490,"This past week he's gotten really bad where he told her she couldn't use the house phone, her cell phone, the computer, the car, or even watch tv. He even stopped eating food that my mom makes and starting making his own for himself. Yesterday I atleast bought my mom a new cell phone and added her to my plan. He hasn't improved in the past week whatsoever. This was the last straw for me and I want to move out in the next 2 months and ask her to live with me temporarily.",Stress +28491,"I am alone, and I don't know what to do. At this time I'm most interested in any 'quick tips' that can be offered on how to manage feelings of violation, betrayal, humiliation, distress, anger at the abuser and all those who stood by, ignoring the damage she was inflicting, anger at those who have protected her at the expense of her victims, anger at my family for their mistreatment, and how they effectively set me up for future abuse. Dissociative symptoms are a significant problem at this time. Focusing on a movie, tv show, video game, book, even a short song can be impossible at times. The interest in 'quick tips' on how to manage those overwhelming emotions is an attempt to make it feasible to read a fre books I'm hoping might help (Pete walker's CPTSD and James Chu's Rebuilding shattered lives, MacKenzie's Psychopath free).",Stress +28492,"He has done it to lots of people and says every night that he is going to kill himself but then never does anything. Not even self harm. This also affects my family life as I come home everyday feeling stressed and this causes conflict in my family. (I still live with my mum and she works hard and travels a lot so she is also stressed) so I try to bottle it in to not give her more stress but then it eventually comes out in the form of arguments, because we both try to bottle in our emotions, so we end up falling out and both feeling very upset. Please can someone help me find a way to cope with all of this, it would mean a lot to me.",Stress +28493,I remember what it felt like to not be anxious one on medicine. none of the other ones I've been put on take any of the edge off. I can't even play xbox live without holding my breath because I get anxious that people can hear me breathe. I mute my mic to give my lungs a reprieve and then go back to holding it. thanks for reading my little rant.,Stress +28494,"I have no problem with a few years either way, hell the last girl I dated was 6 years younger, but this is an entire decade. That's a lot. But other than the number itself I don't know if I should care this much or not. She's pretty mature for her age and I'm admitedly a bit of a late bloomer so we are in roughly the same stage of life so that's not an issue like in a lot of age differential cases. But I just can't help shake the thought of how weird it seems to me.",Normal +28495,I don’t know what to expect. I just want to not be so alone. He is a law enforcement officer in this small town. I’ve been down this road with him before. The injuries have never been so severe though.,Stress +28496,"I guess 15 years later and I haven't put being bullied in high school behind me. Probably doesnt help that I'm unsecured about my body and feel that everyone is judging me because I'm a personal trainer lol... *sigh* . i look fine, just not up to par with more serious gym dwellers. And work performance? Well personal training is a sales gig.",Normal +28497,She has been cheated on after being married and while pregnant and about to have her baby. She has been gone through it and knows how it feels to be hurt and lied too and said she will never do it to anyone as she’s been through it and is the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve. I completely trust my husband but this is harder then I thought. Hard because I see her messaging him everyday day as soon as she wakes up and stays talking to him on the phone too. Hard because they still want to see each other.,Stress +28498,**tl;dr: My BF has a dirty house. Never cleans his private room or bathroom even if I've told him to. After 2yrs I'm fed up and grossed out. I don't know what to do anymore! **,Stress +28499,How do I stop this without getting myself blacked balled or dealing with this harassment. TL;DR I broke up with my ex who cheated. I've been getting harassed by ex-girlfriends sister at my job. She holds a lot of weight in the company and her behavior has escalated. How do I stop this without getting myself blacked balled or dealing with this harassment.,Stress +28500,"I’m trying to make up for it by doing digital drawings of people’s pets. I’m pretty good at them and it’s very fun to do but I can’t do them fast enough to keep up with the bills. I tried to pick up shifts at the hospital(primary job), but all 8 shifts have been closed due to low census. I’m still several hundred short for rent and I don’t know what else to do. Everything is due Sunday July 1st.",Stress +28501,"I always sound like I’m about to cry. I get really hot and sweaty, my hearing starts to go. I had to stop in a presentation one time last semester to say “I’m sorry if I have pretty bad anxiety so if it looks like I’m about to pass out, please catch me” which was to keep it light and the class did laugh, but it was also a legitimate concern. Does anyone else experience this? Is this what social anxiety is?",Stress +28502,"I know this goes a bit beyond /r/relationships, but I'm also asking for advice on how to deal with this as far as our relationship is concerned. What do I do? --- **tl;dr**: Girlfriend's violent, crazy ex-fiance is out of jail after beating up his grandparents, and I don't feel safe. What do I do?",Stress +28503,"My cats were both inside, but this didn't stop my brain working overtime. I would even listen out to what passers-by were saying, in case they found a dead cat. I would have to get out of bed and look out of the window if I heard a sound that doesn't sound normal, for example a trailer on the back of a car banging. My boyfriend puts on kitten videos to soothe me but all I can think about is 'They are all going to die, how sad is that?' but I don't say anything, I put on my most convincing smile and go along with it.",Stress +28504,"But now it seems like contact is gonna be forced on me. About two weeks after the breakup, she reached out to tell me she'd gotten an interview at my company. We both work in a pretty specific industry and there was always some overlap with our jobs. Apparently, my company wants to put her company out of business. Recruiters have poached a few folks from her work and I guess she was next on the list.",Stress +28505,"I felt horrible for her. Ever since, I’ve been close friends with Corrine. She told me a lot about what happened with her family, and we had a lot of late night conversations where she told me about how she had these nightmares of what might’ve happened, how she had bits of her brother’s brain on her shoes afterwards, how she tracked blood through the house while she went to get the phone to call 911. I felt so awful. We were close, but I knew her past was traumatic and rarely pried.",Stress +28506,"How should I feel after all this? Because I feel like I was used and treated poorly, which she rejects. Also how should I read into her getting annoyed about me being with other girls? If they break up again (this is their 3rd attempt at making their relationship work), should I be there in the same way ago? As much as I like to think I wouldn't I still really love this girl.",Stress +28507,"Should i be honest and say that i'm shy and worried about that and that i would like them to take control? I don't know, that sounds like something i would like to ask but it sound like it's not something a man should ask. At least i get that thoughts from a society's stand of view. A man should be like an animal when talking about sex. To me touching and fore play has the same sensual energy as the sex and it seems i'm afraid what people will think about that sensitive and emotional point of view of sex.",Normal +28508,"Sorry for the ramble, I would like to know if there is any way to contact them? I have my chemistry teachers phone number but I'm not sure if I should go for it. TL;DR too nervous to talk to school counsellor, only counsellor I know is a Chem teacher but it'll be weird to see him in classes. Parents ignorant about mental issues. Can contact Chem teacher but I'm weary.",Stress +28509,"I was a severe addict that had 2 overdoses when I was younger and addiction/alcoholism runs on both sides of my family. Please tell me the 'hijacking' will stop and I will come back into my own person. I don't want to come out of on the other side and be this nervous and uncomfortable person who is unable to have relationships. I don't drink, or take prescriptions, or smoke. I have been thinking of seeing a therapist, I don't really have the time or extra money, plus I've been really hurt from small intimate AA groups.... Ugh.... Is there another side of this PTSD mental attrition?",Stress +28510,"I can't get away and sometimes I fear my youngest sibling will suffer for it! I know my mother will force me to never see them again if I make this decision, or even HOW can I make this decision? My only option at this point I feel is to be homeless but that's another can of worms. My thoughts are scattered and I'm honestly scared. I don't know what to do anymore.",Stress +28511,"They’ve only kissed twice but I’ve read their texts and it seems like he definitely cares a lot about her, enough to share more with her about himself than he ever shared with me. Is it an emotional affair? He assured her he won’t cut off contact; is he in love with her? What do I next? **",Stress +28512,"I will be homeless in June and need a place to sleep safely or else I will suffer more severe mental distress, becoming unable to think properly. I went to a shelter organization and the CEO told me they have waaaaaay more homeless than beds (like 50000 homeless and 11000 beds or something like that). While I was there a lady came in to complain about a rape. I involuntarily cry in noisy, busy, crowded environments and become unable to function. How can I help myself best in the leading months?",Stress +28513,"I should most likely be going to college in September. Likely I would qualify for and receive student loans then, and head to the dorms. But in the time being I don't know what to do, this amount of stuff I can't bring with me and I can't imagine giving away either. Any advice? Considering going to churches to ask for help with temporary storage though I'm an atheist.",Normal +28514,"Eventually he did it less. He would also make direct eye contact with me when he was seducing my mother, which filled me with so much rage. This happened throughout my adolescence. He acted hurt or offended because I always had my guard up around him. After I moved out to go to college, he let me know I wasn’t welcome to stay at their house anymore because I “treated them like shit”.",Normal +28515,"I know it's a young relationship, but it's hard adjusting to changes especially since i went from seeing him every day to not seeing him at all anymore. If any one has experience with a PTSD relationship or something along those lines, please feel free to share. It would be nice just to talk with some one whose been through this and can give me advice even...thanks guys TL;DR! - best advice for some one who's dating a PTSD vet when they've become distant",Normal +28516,"I just need tips on how to get out of this mental state of avoidance. I am tempted to get back into CBT for low self esteem because my therapist said if it got bad again, I could go back any time. (I had 6 sessions before) Is anyone else in the same situation or has anyone got any experience? I know I posted something similar recently but writing in this subreddit really makes me feel less alone.",Normal +28517,"Hi guys, I have PTSD that came from a suicide related incident. I'm not ready to talk about what happened, but it was pretty recent so even the small things are triggering. This timing couldn't possibly be worse, 13 reasons why is gaining popularity incredibly quickly and the ads are popping up everywhere. I'm getting help, but these things take time and I can't just quit the internet. Is there any way I block that specific type of ad?",Stress +28518,"But it seems like I'm also dealing with abandonment issues with my parents which has recently reemerged after coming out as transgender which they don't support. Unfortunately, I have Lyme disease and live with them because I'm too sick to do anything and they won't support my transition. I get the feeling that if I was healthy and I transitioned I'd never speak to them. I was reminded of PTSD from a comment on r/raisedbynarcissists/ and Borderline Personality Disorder was brought up. I don't know if it's a secondary condition or overlapping symptoms, but C-PTSD specifically was mentioned and that seems pretty accurate.",Stress +28519,"I began experiencing ""anxiety attacks"" around 2 weeks ago, and have had 3 since, with the latest one being last night. So the first time I was at the dining hall and all of a sudden all the voices around me began to seem echoey and I had a spike of that warm panicky feeling in my body. I quickly got up to put my plate on the dumbwaiter and left the dining hall and it subsided fairly quickly, I didn't really think much of it. The second time was the following Saturday, where when I got back to my dorm I experienced discomfort/malaise from seemingly nothing, no triggers, nothing, just feeling uncomfortable and anxious. This laster for around 30 minutes.",Stress +28520,"She never really felt the need to do that and occasionally would go out with her friends. Everything was great -- I took care of her extremely well, she took care of me patiently and amazingly. I bought her a car, paid for her rent, and ultimately supported her so she could focus and finish her college (I'm full time employed, the breadwinner in the relationship). Our relationship was VIVID and full of color in the beginning. We had our own apartment, got a beautiful dog together, and traveled to a few places.",Normal +28521,"Hey all. Friday i had a woodworking competition and everything went really good at first but then it just got worse and worse and my ptsd started to kick in. I felt really aggressive and angry and sad all at once. My friends saw that there was something going on and asked what was going on but at that moment everything that gets told is getting picked up as bad in my head so it only made me angry'r. It was my dream to win this competition, i practiced so hard and then this happened and to make it worse i had a really bad dream the night before that everything was going bad etc and well the dream came true.",Normal +28522,"My finances cover rent and bills. Groceries are a struggle but lately, I've barely been eating so fuck that. I'm just asking for enough to cover getting my car inspected and gas to get there. My life has been slowly falling apart since April of last year and I'm just done. Every morning that i wake up is a disappointment.",Stress +28523,After a few days I start to try to make plans with her to hang out or go out to eat even if its only for an hour or so. She ends up saying no almost all of the time and I'm getting to where I don't even ask because I feel bad that she has to say no. And this leads to me feeling lonely and unwanted. The part of this that doesn't feel fair is that she can ask to do something with me at anytime and I basically drop everything to go do whatever she wants. I say yes to literally every thing she asks because I just cant help myself not to.,Stress +28524,"We are, by far, the youngest people around marinas. We named our beautiful boat ""Dessert First."" We embrace this philosophy and get chuckles from waitstaff but it also has sentimental meaning for us. We're doing it now and not waiting. We're the -only- boat named Dessert First that exists, as far as I know.",Normal +28525,"But I mean does it really matter? I didn't know that either but I still felt the same. And he was well aware of what I was going through as much as he could have. Also that whole living situation and that man was horrible and stressful anyway (without it being a trigger for something else too). And I know that if I had been in his position I would have done everything I could to help my partner and taken them seriously, regardless of whether I would have felt that way or as bad about something or not.",Stress +28526,"Brief background in bullet points or I will go all weird again if I go into detail. -drug taking parents. - mum was disabled in a wheelchair at times, in and out of hospital all the years I was growing up. - Dad commited suicide when I was 6. - Mum relied heavily on drugs and booze.",Normal +28527,"Many of my cohorts asked me ""how are you two even friends?"" when he came to which I couldn't give a clear answer. So in short, we have a business license and agreement we both signed. We were friends, but I think time has changed him and I and I don't think we would be friends if we met today. He isn't productive for the business and his practices many times seems to include emotion and his own self interests rather than the business, so I find him unfit as a business partner as well.",Normal +28528,"My mom noticed and she started screaming at him, and they start having a heated argument. I was not that old at the time, so I didn’t have a cell phone. My mom had one though and it was sitting on the table. E had his in his back pocket and was a little away from me, so I ran and grabbed my mom’s phone. I turned my back to him, and tried to dial 911, but before I could E grabbed the phone out of my hand, and put it in his other back pocket.",Stress +28529,"And it's like that all the time when similar experiences occur. Now this probably has connections to the social anxiety and depression I suffer from (heck I'm feeling anxious rn as I type this) but it's so weird. I mean I guess it kinda makes sense if I'm so insecure, right? Does anyone else suffer from similar forms of anxiety or sort of related? Interested to know.",Stress +28530,"The food we normally buy is $8, including tax. It would feed them for a month, which would give us time to settle bills and for my paychecks to even out. I have PayPal and can definitely include the proof of purchase if someone would be willing to help. To anyone reading, I sincerely thank you. Edit: [added an Amazon wishlist] ",Normal +28531,"He has applied for disability but is currently facing waiting two years for an answer (he was denied once before). He tells me he wants to work but is unable to due to the pain he suffers from walking/being on his feet for too long, and a fine he could face from disability for applying for job while applying for disability. He currently has no bank accounts or other means to collect money. He literally only has the clothes that are on his back. I am currently unable to fully support him because I am living across the country from him and am not able to afford to rent him a room (about $500 a month) along with my own expenses and any additional expenses he might need.",Stress +28532,"Starting at 10:00 AM on Monday, January 8, 2018 at 10:00 EST the online counseling service will be doing an IAMA where they take questions from the /r/IAMA Reddit Community about their services. Here at /r/Domesticviolence, we do not support one company that does online therapy over another, but we thought you may have questions for them and here is your chance. Some of the past IAMAs they have done are: * * ",Normal +28533,"My brother and I usually get along but for some reason, he makes me really angry, to the point that I don't like who I become. I'm a pretty level-headed guy and never really yell or get angry at anyone but for some reason **when it comes to my brother the anger I get is so overwhelming**. He's the only one that can get me to that point of anger where I start sweating and shaking. He's never ""hurt"" me in a major way before and all the things that annoy me are little things like ignoring me, not responding to me when I talk to his lack of eye-contact and him generally ignoring/disregarding my attempts of communication. I don't wanna be like this towards him and I don't really know what to do.",Stress +28534,"PTSD."" I'm not upset with him for having a panic attack. I sympathize. There's NO way we were going to abandon them at the restaurant if he couldn't find the car. I know that.",Normal +28535,"He finally lets me inside and we begin to talk (he's drunk as always, our schedules differ by a couple of hours so whenever I would get home at 6 he was always drunk). He is sat up against my counter calling me names and I smack his chest. Worst mistake of my life. I never should have hit him. And I fully believe that what you dish out is what you get.",Normal +28536,"Well, the warm season is here which means higher levels of anxiety for me. Thing is, I’m so used to this pattern that I don’t even care anymore. I’ve been through the worse of anxiety attacks and now it’s just another “oh here we go again” kind of mood. I like the warm weather and whatnot but there’s too much activity going on since people enjoy going out. I don’t blame them.",Stress +28537,"Throwaway because I don't want this tied to my main account. For some background, 30 yo male diagnosed with GAD, depression and PTSD. Otherwise healthy, but recently my anxiety has been getting worse and showing itself in the most fucking frustrating way. I'm about a year and a half out of an extremely toxic and abusive relationship. I don't want to go into the details at this point but that relationship shattered my trust in people and, frankly, myself.",Stress +28538,"She works 6 days a week and usually ends her work day around 9-10pm. I work from 9-5pm. She lives across the city, 45 minutes away from me. When she works, we can hardly meet. So when we do make plans to meet, I extremely value those time.",Normal +28539,Why did I open my mouth I should’ve just said “I’m fine” ~ I don’t need help Or maybe I do,Stress +28540,"She hobbled down these steps between the living room and kitchen. She didn't ask for help and even when my dad and I both offered she declined. On the way back up the stairs her knee started to hurt or she hit or whatever. She was sitting on the stairs just sobbing away, doing her thing where she's cussing under her breathe. That was a strong indicator to leave her the fuck alone.",Normal +28541,"Or is that unnecessary? Also is there another way? I really don't want to talk about what happened. But, I really want the nightmares to go away. Sorry if this sounds weird, I am really really fucking tired...",Stress +28542,"I realized that maybe it's better if we break up even though I love him so much and he's one of the most important people in my life. It's already hard enough to decide to break up with someone you love and it's even harder when you can't do It because the person won't show up. If we werent together for so long, I'd probably would've just blocked him already and carry on. But I don't want that. I want to keep being friends.",Normal +28543,"My therapist asks me point blank what I want to talk about, so I talk about the things that were bothering me in the last two weeks. I asked him for suggestions or tips regarding the trich, he did not really give me any advice and instead read off a document to me for an hour and just printed it off at the end of the apt and gave it to me anyways. And yes the information is beneficial, but I can find all the same stuff on this sub's side bar. I'm slowly becoming more and more frustrated. I want to be open for help, I mean this was a huge step for me to even schedule an appointment much less continue going for a month or so.",Normal +28544,"Dear reddit, For what I am about to tell you today is not a rant from a ""man"", but a voice of a concerned human being who happens to be male. Victims of domestic violence who are men are being laughed at and not taken seriously in today's society. It seems the society has made up their mind that men could not be victims of female violence because the male is ""much bigger"", therefore the male has some kind of ""agenda"" against the female. I was punched and slapped in the face two weeks ago by my wife who is 5'2 103lbs.",Stress +28545,"I have complex ptsd due to past romantic relationships and some other various traumas in my life. (Also diagnosed bipolar, severe social/general anxiety, OCPD) Currently suffering symptoms that and messing with my healthy thought patterns and its tearing apart my current relationship. I am terribly upset because this is the first partner to really take me as I am (dark side and all) The paranoid feeling that things are going to end has made it almost inevitable.",Stress +28546,Some monsters are real. I was abused by some as a kid and I was recently reminded that they are still out there. I sometimes manage to find myself in reddit threads with discussions about pedophilia. It bothers me to see people defending pedophila and I often feel the need to respond. I think it seemed a safe way to vent anger at surrogates for my abusers and I think I wanted a chance to say what I never had the chance to say as an abused kid.,Stress +28547,"I’m freaking out and I don’t know what to do. I have no resources, my family is worse off then me. And I have to pay for everything on my own including phone and car insurance. Someone help, or help me find someone who can. Thank you so much for reading.",Stress +28548,"I met my current boyfriend (42M), let’s call him V, back in November. Things were fine, there were no red flags. We dated about a month before one day I went to warm up his coffee for him and he started screaming at me for doing it wrong, and to never do it again. I have PTSD from being raped and abused, and I get uncomfortable when guys yell in the vicinity of me, when they yell at me, it’s debilitating. He knew this as I make it very clear to potential significant others.",Stress +28549,"My youngest who was 6 at the time had what seemed to be a bladder infection or UTI (urinary tract infection). She was literally peeing every five minutes. Since the doctors office was closed, I took her to the emergency room. Little did I know, my entire world was about to come crashing down. The nurses got us back to a room and once they were done checking her out and had her urine to test, we had to wait for the doctor.",Stress +28550,"I´m stressing this entire fall break, I´ve been learning for 5 days for about 8-10 hours a day, and I haven´t finished nothing, even after making a schedule (breaks every 45 minutes, dedicating one day to one thing). When I feel stressed, I feel like I´m about to throw up (or I´m about to cry) and I get anxious to the point of total mental breakdown. I have ADHD and stress gets to me really easily, because I can´t keep my attention in place. Any ideas on what to do in this situation? PS: I am 50/50 INFP/INTP-T (50/50 dominant and inferior functions), that might have something to do with it but I´m not quite sure about it.",Stress +28551,Why can’t I? I’d also add my dad was a bush pilot and I work in the travel industry so I know how safe it is. Why can’t I get over it? **Edit** I’ve rebooked my flight for this morning. I just have to do this.,Stress +28552,"Public speaking in class frequently reduced me to tears in front of the class and I could think of nothing else for weeks, from the moment it was assigned. Even listening to other people having a conversation is tiring to me, even if I'm not an active participant. As a kid I never wanted to have friends over or go to their houses because a full day of school and being around so many people was exhausting, and that is also true today at work - I just want to go home and be by myself. When I say something stupid or awkward I think about it for weeks and I still berate myself for things that happened in interactions with people ten years ago. Does any of this ring true with those of you with diagnosed SD?",Stress +28553,"Her parents didn't know about me at this point. I kept this bottled in for a long time, but exploded and was ready to break up with her over it but she said she would stop being in touch with him. She claims he has mental issues and had threatened numerous times to commit suicide. If I take her at her word, there was no sexual contact between them after we started dating. This contributed to me not trusting her.",Stress +28554,"He came after me a few times so I got away and called cops. He was arrested, restraining order in place and he also had unregistered gun and no licence for them so he may be in trouble for that also. The hard part is he was good to my son, and now he is abruptly gone which is best, but I am not not sure how to explain to him. he is six and very sensitive and the spent a lot of time together. tl;dr boyfriend got aggressive and is jailed, how to tell young son why bf is gone now and we have to move soon?",Stress +28555,"**Tl;dr: Thinking my 2 friends who broke-up are soulmates but may be both heading for a second-best option. ** Very long post, please read only if you are interested in complicated realtionships and take it maybe as a short novel. I have 2 friends who got together when 19, they were inseparable, instant soulmates, I know they imagined their whole life together almost immediately, never even thinking they can break-up. For 10 years, they were the best couple I know, not fighting, respecting each other greatly and having a ""higher"" connection.",Normal +28556,"Especially because Jeff drinks and does drugs, which is very inconsistent with my lifestyle. Overall I regret agreeing to have him -- my bf and I have ruminated over it in couples counseling multiple times :( --- **tl;dr**: My boyfriend's brother is an almost college grad with very little direction. My bf wants him to move to our (expensive) city with no job and live in our 50/50 shared condo rent free.",Stress +28557,"So I drank wine and I started crying and since my husband was constantly telling me that I ruined his life and he regrets being married to me and I'm the devil and blah blah, for the first time in my life I picked up the knife and I thought I should just kill my self. When my husband saw me he started screaming and snatched the knife away from me and said I am trying to get him into trouble by committing suicide. He kicked me and spat on me. I kept on try to explain to him that I can't take him blaming me for everything and he believes everything he says so hard that every works out of my mouth is a lie. I tried telling him I am trying to fix myself.",Stress +28558,"When I grew up, my parents were always working and were never home, didn't express interest in spending time with their children. I was alone all the time and it made me depressed. I wasn't able to make many friends because my parents never drove me to see people. I did parental duties for my siblings. I made my sister meals when she was 7 years old losing weight because my parents never cooked for her.",Normal +28559,"Broken bones, concussion. He broke my glasses in half, destroyed my TV and dvd player. He tore my clothes off but luckily didn't rape me. He did however scare me so much that I twice defecated in his room. The kicks to my face came about every 15-20 mins, when he would work himself up while yelling.",Stress +28560,"- Your letter or email has a medium-chance of being the nudge that convinces the foundation to take a closer look. **Next step** Please enter your name and email here, and I'll send info **[Google form for your name and If you can't help out directly, I'd really appreciate if you share this page or form with anyone who might fit.",Normal +28561,"I live in a different country than where I'm from and I feel like all my actual friends are back home and that I have very few good friends in this country that I can talk to and who want to spend time with me. I just suddenly don't really know what to do with myself or what I want. Like I'm kinda stuck and going nowhere and I hate feeling so insignificant. I don't know, maybe I'm making a big deal for nothing and my anxiety is getting to me. I have CBT tomorrow so I know I'll have a chance to talk about it there but I just feel so hopeless today and didn't know where else to turn but to reddit.",Stress +28562,"Hey, I (m, 18) don't know, what I should do, about my brother. Apart from many different things that are bothering me about him this one is at the moment a big problem, because I often have people here at my house: He doesn't clean the bathroom, which means he doesn't flush the toilet, pees on the ground, leaves sometimes condoms laying around etc. He doesn't listen to my parents or me.",Normal +28563,"If you would like to donate, please go to: My fundraising goal is high and I am struggling to reach it, so donations would be very much appreciated. You can also see what I have done so far to collect money if you click the link. Any donations are welcome, no matter how big or small. It would also be greatly appreciated if you could share this.",Normal +28564,She doesn't pay for my tuition yet constantly puts me down by calling me dumb. Anyone have any tips on how to survive the next week? So far I've been playing super loud music in my headphones whenever she tries to come up and say something to me but I'm looking for options that are less likely to end up in my going deaf haha. Any tips for how I can quickly forge a future without her in my life would be helpful too. I'm in my third year of college and am hoping to have a job after I graduate but at the moment I feel so chained down to her.,Stress +28565,"I blame myself. Almost all the time. Especially when I feel bad, I see the uncomfortable feelings as wrong in the first place, and that it's my fault that I feel bad. This makes me feel worse. When I feel worse because I hate myself, I hate myself for hating myself for feeling bad.",Stress +28566,"If you have a survey you would like to share with us, you may do so here, please use the following format. Failure to do so will result in your survey being removed. Surveys not posted in here will result in a ban, the length of which will be decided at mods' pleasure. __Who I am__: _(Student, Researcher)_ __Affiliation__: _(university, company)_",Normal +28567,"Hey folks, greetings from India. A friend of mine from school's father was diagnosed with non-alcoholic liver cirrhosis back in 2012. His liver's degenerated, and he needs to get an immediate transplant. Surgery cost and post-op are heavy. Frequent hospitalization's eaten up most of their reserve cash, and since my friend's still in college there's not much he can do.",Normal +28568,"Participation takes approximately 5 minutes, helps me reaching my sample goal and yields interesting results for yourself! After granting access to some smartphone data (more detailed descriptions are given within the app), you need to fill out a survey. That’s it! Any collected data will, of course, be processed anonymously. The only prerequisite is a smartphone with Android 4.4 or newer.",Normal +28569,"Hi everyone. Last month my daughter was delivered 11 weeks early and will be in the NICU for the next couple months. It's been a hard time, emotionally, physically, and financially. To help me deal with it all, I started journaling about our experiences and decided to turn them into mini zines (printable little comic books). I set up a patreon account, which allows you to pledge $1, $3, or $6 a month in return for rewards.",Normal +28570,"Hi everyone! My girlfriend has loved doing color guard all of her life and has always wanted to march in a professional Drum Corps. She has a final audition in San Antonio, Texas in April but does not have the cash to fly there (she is in Ohio). I am going to be giving her a big contribution as a valentine's day present, but it would mean a lot if more people than just me helped her out. If anyone can throw in some money (even $1 or less), it would mean the world to her and to me.",Normal +28571,"A little background here. The girlfriend[24f] of one of my husbands friends from high school made a detailed post on Instagram back in December describing the abusive relationships she was in with her boyfriend[24m]. About 2 weeks later, the post was gone and suddenly all was well and she is posting sappy/happy posts with him. I sent her a private message on Facebook asking her if everything was okay and if there was anything I could do, letting her know I was genuinely worried. The message was never opened and that profile was deactivated.",Normal +28572,"But now, I can't. I literally have ONE therapist I can see. And ONE psychiatrist (who is actually a nurse practitioner). I have completely given up on getting the correct mental health treatment. I am doing the best I can.",Stress +28573,"He's an awesome friend who has always been there for me when I had been struggling with depression, giving me great advice, and this put him over the top with this generosity. Between you guys, the three or four family members I have left that I can talk to without shaking with rage, and my friend in Indiana, I have actually cried tears of joy. Seeing people come through when I'm miserable and at rock bottom, I realize I'm not really at rock bottom when there's a hand to help me up. Thank you so much, again. I love you all ❤",Normal +28574,"/r/ptsd has voted, and the majority of users (who voted) would like surveys to be banned. Some users however expiressed interest in having a sticky post, so we will move to just a sticky post for now. Should this thread receive a majority of downvotes, surveys will be banned permanently So, if you have a survey you would like to share with us, you may do so here, please use the following format. Failure to do so will result in your survey being removed.",Normal +28575,"I think it was last year, we could hear the little girl crying out so loud inside their home, we called the cops. This is just a rumor, but our next-door neighbors say that the house is actually under police watch, and that they're drug dealers. The dad is some heavily obese man who should probably invest in larger shirts, and he doesn't leave the home. There are always cars coming and going from the house, sometimes the same cars, other times cars we've never seen before. Ya know, to buy drugs and shit.",Stress +28576,"I just tried taking a nap in my bed today. I've been sleeping on the couch since March. I had dreams of stuff he did to me in that bed. Good memories that were ruined when he stopped hiding his temper, when I became the outlet to his anger. Yesterday, I also got choked in my self-defense class practically the same way he choked me.",Normal +28577,"The only person I live with is my husband. So basically she's trying to imply that I'm mad because my husband is abusing me (which he never has), not because I'm just sick of her shit. --- **tl;dr**: My alcoholic mother is a negative aspect of my life but she's guilting me into feeling sorry for her. I don't know what to do.",Stress +28578,"I want something that would help with a small does of social anxiety and also prevent any future panic attacks, anyone have any good experience with other SSRI's ? * tl;dr.. Been on Lexapro for panic attacks and social anxiety for 6 months. Got all the bad side effects of Lexapro and it made me have a few moments of almost going ""insane"". I haven't had panic attacks since and my anxiety is maybe slightly better but it's not worth the cons. Anyone have stories of switching off Lexapro to something else that made them less anxious and more confident?",Stress +28579,"I would like to have a relationship with his parents in the very least and let them actually get to know me, but he really doesn't want to introduce me to them. It's important for me to develop a relationship with my SO's family, especially if we intend on being long term. I don't see how we can continue our relationship like this. My question is, what can I do to improve the situation? What conversations do I need to have with my BF?",Stress +28580,"I mentioned that I am unhappy with my nametag having my first name on it, that I’ve been unhappy with it but I’ve been tolerating it since it hasn’t been too much of an issue until I transferred stores. My boss became LIVID. “Well we all call you _______” “it would be more confusing for customers if we call you _______ but your nametag says ______” “______ isn’t your [first] name” “you can deal with ______ being on your nametag, I’m not changing it just because you don’t like it.” Mind you, people named Jason can have their nametag day Jay. Other people have their last name on their name tag.",Normal +28581,"I looked everywhere for the possible cause, did everything to make it go away. I put vicks under my nose and that helped mask some of the smell, but it was still definitely there. It didn't go away until the next day. Has anyone else dealt with olfactory hallucinations? Should I seek out medical attention?",Normal +28582,"Hi r/anxiety, So lately my anxiety/hypochondria has been through the roof. I convince myself that I have all of these symptoms and then my body actually feels like it produces them. I never know when something is actually wrong. Lately since my anxiety has gotten so bad I have begun biting my nails even worse than usual, picking my toe nails and picking any form of acne on my face or body.",Stress +28583,"Not entirely sure if this really belongs here, but here it goes: I (26yo F) have been diagnosed with ptsd due to many traumatic instances in my childhood including emotional/psychological abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, bullying etc. I have the best s/o anyone could ever ask for, he is extremely patient and understanding. His dad on the other hand, is a very complicated person. I'll call him P. When I first met P, he seemed pretty shy, but very nice. He is generous, likes to offer gifts etc to people around him.",Normal +28584,"I've ""enjoyed"" (didn't dislike, double negatives, oof) the jobs I've had, and some were pretty good - the people like me, so I had no reason to leave. What is the equivalent of my best friend has also gone so far as to label me as a psychopath..:/ I'm just looking for similar experiences and mostly understanding of the situation (maybe guidance in what kind of people to aim to talk to, or maybe steps to take to help in diagnosis, etc) - so far in my life every single person has pretty much told me to harden the ""f"" up and get the heck over it. Thanks.. **Edit 2** I forgot to say that my father is a completely different person now - but when I see him so much as take a sip of alcohol it all floods back to me and I get extremely terrified and nervous.",Normal +28585,I don’t remember a lot of it I just remember little snip bits of what happened. I don’t even remember if there was penetration and I’m hoping there wasn’t. I still have problems trying to remember what happened and I feel like if I remember it all I’m going to have a breakdown. Now that I’m older I’m starting to have sex and be intimate with others. I’m noticing a pattern where my body is like rejecting my partner and I’m concerned it might be caused by my abuse at an early age.,Stress +28586," is looking for men and women 35-65 years of age in Chicago, to participate in a 2 hour, focus group market research study. Qualified individuals will receive $250 (Prepaid Visa Card) after they have completed the study. Link: Job #: 2631NRC17 Location: Chicago IL",Normal +28587,"He shouldn't be able to do that to anyone else. I'm just so scared. I wasn't perfect either and I'm scared people won't believe me, or he will twist it so he's the victim and I'm the bad guy, although I know what happened was wrong and I have evidence that he knows what he did was wrong. Im scared this will ruin my life, but I also can't bear the thought of him doing that to anyone else. If anyone needs details about what happened I can share",Stress +28588,"I know this is kind of all over the place, but i want to ask: should I have broken up with her before? am I a bad person for sticking around? how can i find peace and happiness? Is it normal to feel hopeless and scared that i won't find love again? tldr: got cheated on a bunch and dumped because i cried on Christmas due to a breakdown re: being cheated on all the time and feeling worthless.",Stress +28589,"It's really fucking hard, but so far it has absolutely been worth it. I'm putting a lot more time and effort into improving myself. I've been much more productive. I'm doing things I used to love again. Things that used to seem a distant dream or completely unachievable now feel like they might be things I can tackle - if not now, then *someday*.",Normal +28590,I feel like a become a mean monster. :( and I can’t stop or control myself and I feel this immense anxiety throughout my body as if I’m being pushed down by negativity and anyone will tell me anything even if it’s not even remotely threatening or meaning harm and I completely lash out and respond with mean things :/ and I feel soooo guilty afterwards and I don’t want to justify but it’s as if the worry/anxiety I feel in my head overtakes me and apperantly the only way to express it is through meanness :/ I’m seeking therapy guys very soon :/ because I’m hurting the ppl around me that I love and it’s not fair for them and I feel like a monster for it,Stress +28591,"Good Morning, I am extremely moved by the members of this sub contributing to the good of society and answering the call for aid. Last week, footage was released of a mentally challenged man in Germantown, Philadelphia get sucker punched in the head by ruthless teenagers. The victim walked away but still fell victim to another punch. Fortunately the teenagers were arrested and charged.",Normal +28592,"I had no good friends in my class, I never had a partner when it was time to pair up on our own, the work was going to get harder and we would be working on clients soon. When I came back all I could think about was how much I wanted to go home. So I didn't go back after that. I had to go back though and pick up my stuff. But everyone asked what was I gonna do next, why did I drop out.",Stress +28593,My mother has stage 4 bile duct cancer and it seems like her time is limited. She has a $5k insurance policy but I know that's not going to be enough. I've had to take a lot of time off work to take care of her and I just don't have the money to pay for what the insurance won't cover. What are some resources I can use to help pay for this? She does not want to be cremated and there's no way I could do that against her wishes just to save money.,Stress +28594,"Sometimes one a week on the weekend. This worked greated. Until late june. She started to cancel my visits to see her. Asking if I was mad, when I constantly told her I supported everything she needed to do to succeed.",Normal +28595,"I tried to reply to most but I think I'd like to forget about this post for a bit and move on. So I'm going to stop replying. If there is advice or information that someone hasn't given me yet and you think would be helpful, please feel free to private message me. I'm planning to go to the wedding. I will not be going out of my way to help with the wedding.",Normal +28596,"He kept holding my arm while talking to me. He kept saying how beautiful I was. Even after he finished the exam he did another sweep with his hand idk wtf he was checking because we were all done I’m almost positive he just wanted to fucking touch me because every chance he could he would. I was so close to tears I know this isn’t like so bad, but to a girl with ptsd from assault it was the end of the world. I felt so gross and grimy having his nasty hands on me calling me beautiful.",Stress +28597,"I have been having anxiety sense I was 16, I'm now 20. This 4 years have been difficult, lots of ups and downs, on and off medication and therapy (never really had more then just 3 appointments with the same professional ever). Then it came university and I had to move away from my family which didn't helped a lot. I had the last 6 months without anxiety but in April everything changed. I have been having anxiety attacks almost everyday, then it came the intrusive thoughts.",Stress +28598,Last few weeks I’ve overcome some serious issues and I was traveling most the time and it helped me a lot. But now that I’m home I’m falling back to my old self I’m isolating myself in my house. I barely go out again I can’t even manage to get myself a haircut and I don’t want fall back in this hole again. I picked myself up and going falling back can someone help me.,Stress +28599,"If you have a survey you would like to share with us, you may do so here, please use the following format. Failure to do so will result in your survey being removed. Surveys not posted in here will result in a ban, the length of which will be decided at mods' pleasure. **Who I am**: (Student, Researcher) **Affiliation**: (university, company)",Normal +28600,"I e-mailed him a few times and received no response from him when I really needed one. Because of his lack of response, I was forced to drop out of school, University of [State (Go Mascots!! )], and I could not finish the quarter and now owe them much more money than before. But it is NOT entirely his fault. Yes I resent him at times, but I could have just as easily approached him about the subject and gotten everything taken care of, but my anxiety hadn't made me comfortable around them, so I couldn't bring my self to do it.",Stress +28601,I truly hope it finds it's way in the hands of the ones most in need. It is available on Amazon for only $2.99 and I also have a countdown deal event coming up next month (July 22.-29.) when you can purchase it for only $0.99. Here is the link to it: I also produced a trailer/teaser for it if you'd like to check it out: ,Normal +28602,"I get flashbacks from ptsd at home, and now my home is full of these spider and insect memories. And I feel like so few people in my life can really handle this and that’s even more isolating. I’m sorry. I needed a place to put this down and try and stop crying. I know my thoughts are disorganized right now and I’m finding it hard to organize them.",Stress +28603,"His best chance is to seek treatment abroad, in a specialised sarcoma clinic. He is a young, resilient man with huge support from his family and friends. Sean is a fighter and he just needs an opportunity to beat this cancer. We cannot accept there is no hope for Sean and wish to exhaust all options. Please help Sean to get the best shot he’s got to fight the sarcoma and get back to living life to his full potential.",Normal +28604,"I have neuropathy in my feet and clinical depression and rage bouts. I have no insurance, no treatment, no medication. Just myself and my family to keep me going. My wife has fibromyalgia, which characterizes itself through chronic fatigue, chronic pain, as well as depression with severe anxiety. I am currently pending for disability, while basically killing myself doing Amazon Flex runs to make some semblance of money.",Stress +28605,"She then said to me ""Am I not worth the effort because you don't want to fix this?"" after I told her I did not want to see her. There is plenty of other passive aggressive stuff that she says, but right now I'm so blinded by my disbelief I can't even tell if she is just being emotional or manipulative. What bothers me is this behavior happens every time we have gotten into a fight and then I have to apologize and make it right. tl;dr: Got into a fight with gf of 2 years since highschool - I've hit my breaking point.",Stress +28606,"The problem is is that the kinds of mistakes I have made are the ones I can't even fix, because I won't be on shift to. I don't know what to say to be helpful, and to diffuse tensions. I am pretty sure all of my coworkers hate me. Just like everybody always has. I have already had panic attacks 3 different times at work now.",Stress +28607,"I just feel really left out by someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends. Is it too late to say something? Should I even say anything at all? --- **tl;dr**: Friends threw a birthday party for themselves on my actual birthday, didn't include me as a 'birthday girl' but invited me to the party anyways.",Stress +28608,"I am on a paid assassin’s hit-list. That’s it, I need to reformat all my hard drives. “Fuck it, I’ll just microwave those fuckers and then give myself the decency to have a painless death.” “Ok ok, deep breaths. We learned this in therapy.",Stress +28609,I'm quitting my job in a couple of months but right now I don't feel great. I should work out a bit to feel better. I know that there isn't much to do but I needed to write it somewhere. Also I was so excited to quit my job and start working on building my app but I found out that I would need at least 30k$ and I don't have it. Now I feel like I'll need to take another shitty job to realise my dream some day,Stress +28610,"Ever since I left school, I’ve felt much more in control of my fears and my emotions, I’ve had a happier outlook on life and I’ve been happier overall. But now, it just seems like every time I’m sick, if I’m nauseous or dizzy, it has to be my anxiety. And if I don’t try to plough through that kind of problem, I’m letting anxiety ruin me, according to my family. I know they don’t get how real it feels when you’re sick from anxiety but I know the difference in myself. I know the difference between anxiety-sick and having an illness caused by something else.",Normal +28611,"I learned how to manifest that love in actions good for my body. I cooked a diabetic-friendly meal every night - even if it was just cutting up a block of cheese and opening a package of pepperoni. I spent a little extra on tissues, found the ones I liked best - and kept boxes in every room in the house. I “splurged” on $10 bath bombs once I could be naked in the bathroom again. I brushed my hair before bed every night.",Normal +28612,"""We also want people to feel as if they are away from a lot of the stress and tension. We really want them to focus on themselves for a change."" The center is located on a 15-acre plot of land, ""designed to support fire fighters as they seek treatment and recovery."" ""This is the first of it's kind,"" said Patrick Morrison, a former Fairfax County Firefighter, and a member of the IAFF. ""It's a center that doesn't exist anywhere else.""",Normal +28613,She is willing to surrender her cat it's just difficult to find a place rn that can take him. 2. She can't move in with me because I live in a studio apt with my boyfriend and we just renewed our lease and cant have a 3rd person plus no animals allowed. 3. She has called 211 and has tried to speak with someone from a local shelter called Mercy house but they haven't gotten back to her.,Stress +28614,That completely threw me. I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult to cope. I'm crying frequently for some reason and I don't know why. I haven't done the whole uncontrollable crying thing since my last episode which was all the way back in November 2016. (I spent 2017 learning to shut down my emotions so crying had become a thing of the past.),Stress +28615,I dread what it would be like to inject myself with insulin. I am out of work due to a lot of health problems I have chronicled on Reddit. I have put in for my short term disability but it has been almost a month and I survive off the small amounts I make on surveys. It is frustrating in so many ways. But I am really tired of being hungry because I cannot grab a healthy snack.,Stress +28616,I'd be really grateful for any feedback please. The idea behind these articles is that they should be helpful! You can find the homepage for the series here I'll post each article as they're published here too — but only if someone is finding it useful. Looking forward to any constructive feedback.,Normal +28617,"""Indefinitely grounded"" according to my father. How do I proceed with this situation? --- **tl;dr**: Parents basically fucking hate me and have called me all sorts of terrible things because I was arrested for small weed possession, and are threatening to demolish my social life. What do I do to improve the situation?",Stress +28618,"I am frantically trying to figure out what distractions I can rely on during down-time. The group I will be with are ecstatic about the cruise, and have no issue with sitting in a recliner and doing nothing. I, however, don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I plan on bringing books, audio books, podcasts, and whatever videos I can cram on my device(s), but reading or listening to something during an activity or around the group will probably be seen as rude or anti-social. The wifi on the ship is supposedly terrible and expensive, so I can't even casually browse reddit - which is normally my go-to distraction.",Stress +28619,"I've suffered from a mild anxiety disorder w/ depression (diagnosed) for about 4 years, all while I've been with my (now) DH. DH is logical/rational to a fault, and while generally supportive, cannot understand how I feel and act when depressed, or suffering from particularly bad anxiety. No matter how I try to explain to him, tell him that I literally cannot help it or just magically lift myself out of it, he insists that I'm being ""dramatic"". It makes me feel all the more vulnerable, and all the more difficult to speak for myself. What advise/experience do you have for helping someone understand who has never experienced depression and/or anxiety that the disorder is ""real"" and not in active control of the victim?",Stress +28620,I have no friends. This has been both a cause and an effect of my anxiety and depression. I can open up and become confident once I get to know people and I have had friends before but I've gone almost a whole year with no actual friends since I have moved. Moving and the effects it had has greatly affected my confidence making new friends since I most of my interactions are with small town people who have had their friends and known other groups for years. I have a very hard time carrying on conversations with acquaintances and bridging the gap of relationships.,Stress +28621,"How do I figure out what is putting these guys off? Any advice is appreciated! TL;DR: Have been on 3 first dates over the last few months, and each I thought went well or above and beyond well, but each of them haven't wanted to go on a second date with me. What am I doing wrong? How do I figure out what I'm doing wrong?",Normal +28622,"I know he's never going to be the same, but it's hard seeing him like this. He's become very wreck less, too. He's Hanging out with punks who think are big ballers selling Xanax and weed, living at there moms apartment. --side note: His friend was thrown out of a car recently during a drop off at gun point. My brother lashes out when things don't go his way to and just has a nasty attitude at times..",Stress +28623,"IDK. I've applied to anything I can think of and have had no luck. But at least I'm not dealing with all this stress with someone who ""loves"" me not giving a damn if that happens. Thank you all for giving me perspective that no, I was not being unreasonable and it wasn't that he decided who lives in his home (which I NEVER disagreed with) but that it was messed up of him to offer, plan, go back on it, and then want to act like that never happened. And for the people who implied I have no ""market value"" to him, my divorce was because my ex cheated.",Normal +28624,"During the walk she made a lot of threats about how she was going to call the police, put me in jail, even try to get me deported (I'm a LPR.) She gets vindictive like this but usually calms down. Due to the threats I called the police to ask their advice. The officer wanted me to give him her information and I declined. Short story, he gave me two options.",Stress +28625,"Has anyone else gone through this? I’ve dealt with anxiety for 7+ years, depending on what you mark as the origin of it, and in the past several years I’ve tried every non-medical solution google came up with/my wallet allowed. I’ve thought very long and hard about seeking medical help for my anxiety, and finally did this week. Honestly, there was a lot of support and encouragement to seek treatment from people I talked to about it previously. The doctor I saw was amazing—seriously I had no idea how to broach the topic and I felt 100% comfortable discussing my concerns from the moment I opened my mouth until I left the office.",Stress +28626,"I'm obsessing over my new relationship also. Like... its starting out, and I can't get clear from him what he thinks of us etc. I haven't heard from him all day, I'm thinking at this point he may have left his phone at home or something on accident. But I'm checking my phone CONSTANTLY. And even Facebook messenger to see if he's logged in at all today.",Stress +28627,Someone I know has been compulsively chattering their teeth. They told me it started because they could feel their teeth wobble a little when they clenched their teeth together while feeling them with their finger (we all know this is just one of those weird tricks the teeth play on you) but it's become compulsive now. They told me they feel ill from it. They don't have any anxiety issues and the chattering is just a result of the above but I can see how it would become one. What can be done to make this go away?,Normal +28628,"I'm trying to keep my mouth shut, but shit is so goddamn annoying. Oh, and my both of their first languages are not English. While I speak only English. I criticize my father by telling him he speaks like Donald Trump. I'm gonna donate plasma tomorrow, because I'm broke.",Stress +28629,"I'm worried about my friend. She's really pretty and carefree and intelligent and I've known her since highschool. We had a band back then. She played guitar and sang, I played bass and another friend of ours played drums. We were into the grunge scene and to be honest, we were kinda good for a bunch of 15 year olds trying to make a name for themselves.",Stress +28630,"I don’t speak Amharic, but today I took him out and he bought a journal where he could write down words that confused him. I would like to make him a mini-dictionary of phrases like “I don’t feel well,” names of foods, and “I’m hungry/I’m thirsty/I’m tired” etc. in Amharic, with their English translations, so he can look for a phrase he needs and see how to say it in English. Absolutely any phrases and translations you have on hand will help.",Normal +28631,"In February 2015 I took time off and took Clark to his cabin and then again in September. On the second trip I decided to search for a job in Redding and in late October I moved to Redding. Clark and I would call each other to update on how my medical credential process was going and he would share about his family. He would always repeat to me, “Manuel, I don’t know how much longer I can handle the fast pace of the Bay Area. People are in a rush and they don’t even know what they are in a rush for.” One of the new grievances was the “Avenue” he lives on that he jokingly calls “an expressway.” The sound of constant vehicle traffic is definitely a contrast to an area previously filled with orchards.",Normal +28632,"Thanks in advance! Edit: You guys are the best. I now have a more solid footing on what to do and how to plan for it. Thank you so much. Any other advice is welcome, and thank you to everyone who took the time to say something.",Normal +28633,"Plus, we’re using his car, which will eventually result in the usual wear and tear and expenses. We equally split all shared expenses like gas, food, rent, and bills, but we both have the same salary and similar assets. Do any cohabiting couples pool and split their commuting expenses equally, or do you just chalk it up to a difference in individual expenses and each pay your own way? tl;dr : My boyfriend's commute is twice as expensive as mine and it doesn't really seem fair. Should we split it?",Normal +28634,I hate asking for help and I would ask my family but they disowned me when I moved due to my adoptive mom being mentally abusive. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Even if you don't have $20 anything helps. Thank you so much. Edit: I have PayPal and Cash App.,Stress +28635,"I'm a guy, . When I was 13, i started talking with a girl on an online forum. Being quite bullied (nothing physical, mostly social stuff, shaming and that kind of jive), I really didn't have alot of people to talk to. But this girl, man oh man I really liked her. We spoke at first about nothing in special but quickly it got really personal and in depth.",Normal +28636,"I might sound a bit bridezilla here, but I’m extremely annoyed. We set our wedding date last August for July 15th. We specifically picked this date after looking at the average temperatures for that date for the last 5 years. We determined the highs were about 7 degrees cooler than the following weekends in July, so we went with the 15th. Wouldn’t you know it, but my FMIL booked their family vacation for July.",Normal +28637,"I used to be a very touchy feely person pre trauma, hell I'd have stood out in a big city with a sign for free hugs, I *wanted* to. I'd touch a leg for sympathy, throw an arm around shoulders for comradeship. My family was never like that growing up. Until recent years, I rarely got hugs from parents or my brother and when we'd brush legs while sitting, it'd be an awkward ""oh sorry"" and a shuffle to separate. The latter is still true but I make it a joke.",Stress +28638,"I'm trying to improve my Hebrew and I would really like to be able to pray while at home on Shabbat and Festivals. I live very far from the nearest Jewish community and it's very difficult to learn and become more observant on my own. Due to financial restrictions I have been unable to purchase my own Siddur. Wishlist link below but of course, if you have your own Siddur you would like to donate that's great too! ",Normal +28639,"Even as I’m cooking, he’s still screaming in my face, telling me that I’m done at my job and I need to quit now. I yell back, something about him not having a job and he grips me up from behind with an arm around my throat, and I grab the knife I was using to cut chicken and tell him to get off of me. He lets go, and we scream a bit more. I made a smart remark, and he jabbed me in my face. It busted the inside of my lip and I was bleeding.",Stress +28640,"Next, I'll get nice and comfy and ready to sleep in a position where I can feel my heartbeat. Then, I'll start listening hard for my wristwatch. At first it's difficult to hear, because your mind is focusing on your heartbeat, but after a little while you adapt and your heartbeat stops being the center of your attention. Works for me really well, and I've been able to fall asleep in any position since. Hope it works for some of you.",Normal +28641,"* Do I have to leave something for my children in a will? * What if the police pull me over for whatever reason, and how do I treat a situation like that? * Does an agreement have to be given in a written form? Questions like that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!",Normal +28642,"One night, early, early into this, we were kind of flirting. He suggested we shower together. I was scared. Uncomfortable. Not sure.",Normal +28643,"I'm hoping that I can get some of the community to share into the database to make it as useful as possible. Does this sound like something that would be used? Would you, if you were homeless, use it? I've volunteered in homeless shelters and have had friends who have found themselves homeless, but I'm not sure how/if many actually have smartphones with app capabilities. What are your thoughts?",Normal +28644,"This Crippling Pain Is Getting Stronger. Cant, you see I cant do this much longer This Fearless drip, The subconscious Tears. Hope someone Can see my Fear.",Stress +28645,Hello r/Assistance. I want to go to rehab for my cocaine addiction I live in the USA where rehab has a bad stigma sadly. I was wondering what would be the best way for me going about getting into rehab for my cocaine addiction and since I don’t have insurance if they would even accept me with no criminal background and it’s not going to be court ordered admission but a voluntary self admission to the facility. Feel free to pm me if you like with advice if you rather do that than reply to this post. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this I’ll be sure to respond as quickly as I can to any responses.,Stress +28646,"It would seem getting this out there would be a huge turn off for her (it certainly is for me) so why is she acting that way? Again, I don't tell her this but it's almost as if she's trying to account for infidelity, except she wasn't...she was abused. I'm just trying to solve this in my head. My emotions are a wreck. I'll definetely reach out to a therapist soon but could use help in the meantime.",Stress +28647,"Hey, r/Anxiety! ​ I'm an undergraduate student who aspires to be an entrepreneur. I want to use my passion to help people manage their mental health. I'm in the beginning stages of forming a startup focused on mental health and wellbeing, and I would love to get y'all's opinions.",Normal +28648,"Especially always being tired which just adds to the anxiety. I'm having some trouble falling asleep atm (and staying asleep which is even worse) and thought that maybe typing my thoughts out would help relax my mind and help me see my problems from a different perspective. I know things will get better, because they always do, but its still difficult to deal with the anxiety. I meditate regularly, but if anyone has any other suggestions in dealing with anxiety during bed time I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks (:",Stress +28649,"However, I am resistant on it right now because I am thinking there is no point. I would rather stay here for the last few days then go because at least for now I have a place. Once I get out of here and the hospital, though, I am unsure of where to go. What should I do? I live in Washington D.C. so there seems to be a lot of facilities and help here.",Stress +28650,"Seemingly out of nowhere I have been feeling awful for about 2 - 3 weeks. I'm 22, I'm very introverted with no close friends and honestly that's how I liked it until very recently. I live with my mom but she is out of town 80% of the time so I stay home to take care of the house and our pets. When she IS in town, she goes out with her boyfriend to bars, restaurants, other fun things so I never see her. I have a boyfriend (he's 20 years old) who I love, but who does not have his drivers license yet and lives with overbearing parents so I rarely get to see him, and texting all day isn't really doing it for me.",Stress +28651,"It does not help that my mom leans on me and only me emotionally, when it comes to my father who I don't have a relationship with and all their financial issues etc...I am dealing with a lot personally, and then on the outside there family stuff on top of me too, and I feel trapped honestly. I went to see a counselor in college and he thought if I got more of a routine going I would be fine, he also was extremely judgemental and scolded me for not coming into college regularly, he didn't believe me things I told him, so I left. I did go to a counselor about 12 times after the abusive relationship ended, I still felt vulnerable and scared leaving it that place and told her I don't feel ready to stop this. She said there was nothing more she could do. Now I am at the point where I feel like there is nothing nobody can do for me, I feel emotionally trapped and I don't know what to do, or where to go anymore.",Stress +28652,I can’t have fun anymore. I can’t enjoy life anymore. I don’t know what to do. This is hopeless. I had to come home from work because I can’t stop crying.,Stress +28653,"Most recently, I had to stay at his apartment for a week as mine got renovated. I expressed to him I didn’t want our week living together to “rock the boat” and he said it wouldn’t. I went over there the other day and he said he needs space and basically told me to leave. I feel like I’m suffocating him. He’s never expressed what medication he’s been on before but I know he’s off of them ever since we moved.",Normal +28654,"Is this the way our state agencies treat the elderly and disabled? Obviously so, because they're doing to ME!!! and to others. I have brought this up no less than 4 times to my case worker **name removed** from adult protective services and she just ignores it and keeps telling me she will ""look into it"" and does nothing about it. I am now starting to breakout in skin rashes due to having to wear filthy dirty clothing.",Stress +28655,"The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete. Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest.",Normal +28656,"I feel so worthless on those days. I guess I just needed to vent to a community that will hopefully understand, and see if anyone else had any similar experiences. I had PTSD for almost a year before going on benzos, but it wasn't until I was put on benzos (and then stupidly chose to continue a do-it-yourself habit) that my mind just happily dissociated - I barely remember the last year. PTSD often = dp/dr, benzos often = dp/dr, and benzo withdrawal (which many helpful internet sites say can last months or even years, yay) often = dp/dr. What in the fuck have I done to myself?",Stress +28657,"My homeless brother (50) has been trying to get a job, go to his required counseling, stay off alcohol, and stay out of jail. Last night he called me to say he is giving up and is resigned to staying homeless and living this way until he dies. He sleeps in a clean and safe shelter each night. He gets the same bed and has a locker. If he starts drinking again, he’ll be out in the cold because the shelter will not let drunks sleep there.",Normal +28658,I ask out of hope that someone will understand the situation. Its temporary but greatly needed right now/ Thanks guys ! 85301 prime pantry- ,Normal +28659,"On top of that, I also haven't taken the ACT, because I didn't think I'd even consider college. I literally feel like I know nothing and am completely unprepared for the ACT no matter how much I study, because I never payed attention in my classes. More things stressing me out are politics and family. But, not as much as the school / job thing. And I haven't reached out to anyone to tell them how stressed I am, and I feel it seems so stupid, and I'm sorry.",Stress +28660,"We get no child support and are doing well financially without it and although he is supposed to pay, I leave it alone because he leaves us alone. Long story short, I didn't file or ask for supervised visitation, but that's what the courts ordered. He did that two or three times within a year and haven't heard from him since. This Friday for the first time in years I realized how much my life has changed and how happy I and my children are. Then, of course, I get the curve ball of this message on Saturday evening.",Stress +28661,"Some context: I manage a person who is young (late twenties, but when angry acts like a toddler throwing a tantrum), who is a gaslighting bully. She's well-connected at my workplace, so gets lots of support from her ""friends"" who she talks to and presents this alternative reality to them about her ""version"" of situations. This is problematic, because she also needs disciplinary action because of bullying behavior toward other staff, customers, and myself, but any movement toward that leads to a tantrum. She presents herself as friendly and sympathetic - often the ""victim"" of the situation - so people believe her. I suffer from anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression, so this is a nightmare for me.",Stress +28662,"She currently has a somewhat reliable car, and a job lined up at Target working part-time. I'm currently in college multiple hours away, so I can't help as much as I would like to. (She is currently located in Western MA) I'd like to know what her options are. If anyone could give some advice, it would be much appreciated.",Normal +28663,"It's important that people know this when they claim platitudes about 'getting support' and 'healing' that require a stable home, friends, family or even relationships. I spent all of that time trying to get to this point by myself just so some selfish POS could slap me down again. I hate this. I posted this on twitter because I couldn't think and I just wanted to share something even anonymously, of course I got nothing. It's hard to admit sometimes, until you're desperate, but I wanted someone to care.",Stress +28664,"**Why this is important** - The FDA has approved Phase 3 MDMA/PTSD studies based on promising Phase 2 studies and the main challenge of the Phase 3 research is funding. - These foundations fund PTSD work. But they aren't funding MDMA PTSD research. I think with the right guided nudge, these foundations may be open to supporting the research.",Normal +28665,"We talked about meeting, and eventually arranged a double date. Each of us brought a friend to make things easier. The date went well and we decided to see each other again. The next two times I saw her, she began making comments on how little dating experience I had and began treating me like a child. She made comments about my weight and how I was too skinny and needed to gain weight.",Normal +28666,"I regularly visit a couple tent cities in the dallas/Fort Worth areas. I bring home made chili when it's cold and cold cut sandwiches in the summer, along with bug spray and cigarettes. I'm working with a few people that want to get involved with giving back, not associated with any church group or organization. We are going to prepare backpacks with supplies. Some things I've been asked for are socks, feminine products, disposable razors and reusable water bottles.",Normal +28667,"Again, I worry they'll say that if I'm sexually active, I should be able to do this just fine. -Could I get them to only not leave the room or open the door where someone walking by could see me? -Could I ask them to tell me everything as they're doing it? So I'm somewhat prepared for everything? -Could I get them to stop if I need it?",Stress +28668,He would call me by the name peepee until I was 21. I asked him to stop but he just yells at me. I wish he would die or never talk to me. He also forces me to take medication because I got mad at him because of this. He will just scream at me and threaten to call the police to throw me on the street or something.,Stress +28669,One night after going to a club we go back to our friends and we snuggle next to each other. She interlocks her fingers into my hand and later on in the night turns around and kisses me. We kiss for the whole night. We couldn't do anything more because our friends were sleeping in the same room. We didn't talk about that night until a few weeks later when we went to a bar together.,Normal +28670,"I'm sure that there are many people worse off than me in this kind of situation but I just can't stand this feeling anymore. I just want someone to choose me for once, instead of just being stuck with me. Unfortunately, I have no idea how this could happen. --- TL;DR I don't want to feel lonely anymore but I have no idea how to fix myself.",Stress +28671,I've had many depressive episodes in the past that started around the time I turned 14 but anxiety my whole life. I am currently 15 years old and male. I've had symptoms of HOCD in the past that have mainly been caused by anxiety and have also been scared of developing DID in the past even though that is very unlikely. Edit: I added some details I feel were important to mention that I forgot to beforehand. I also fixed some spelling errors and cleaned up the language.,Normal +28672,"They will appreciate you letting them know instead of, after the fact, expecting a result that never had the chance to come to fruition. 3. Always act with integrity and genuineness. Nobody, and I mean **NOBODY**, likes passive-aggressive and/or dramatic co-workers. If you practice *not being* these things then people will always take you seriously and accept your advice as constructive.",Normal +28673,"But if I want to be successful at networking and forming close friendships/relationships, I need to get rid of this phobia somehow. In some ways, my fear is interfering with not just my social life, but my academics as well. I earn high grades but if I want to snatch opportunities outside of the classroom, I need to suck it up and try to tolerate group work with my classmates more. I opened up to a therapist about this, but before we could actually discuss ways on how to combat the problem, she ended up leaving. How does one go about becoming more comfortable around men?",Stress +28674,"in an effort to make modding the sub more efficient and smoother, I've gone ahead and brought in automoderator. There's a bit of a learning curve, but I'm proud of my first automod post! Do you have any scheduled posts you'd like to see? Specific discussion posts celebrating positive accomplishment? Next up is programming the actual moderation part.",Normal +28675,"I would appreciate any insight from other ppl with ptsd and flashbacks. My husband had several things happen to him when he was a teenager and occasionally when things get very bad for him he has very bad flashbacks complete with regression to the time when the trauma happened. It is heartbreaking to see, and obviously he does not recognize me and does not understand why we live together and why he’s not living at his parents house Does anyone have experience with this kind of flashbacks? And what kind of things would be most helpful for your partner to do to help you back up to the present?",Stress +28676,"* Be 18 years of age and older * Have used a mobile device before. Take the opportunity to learn about health wellness applications, including Headspace, Calm, 7 Cups, and Happify. Attitudes and usability of such applications are not well researched. This study will expand the scientific knowledge about health consumer perceptions towards these wellness applications.",Normal +28677,"My sister is a shift worker - works around the clock at ridiculous times. I asked her (before I moved in) if she could sometimes pick me up from work if I worked late and if she could help me with my driving - she said yes. I've now asked a her a few times if we could drive somewhere she has said: ""no"", ""just because"", and ""I'm sick and tired"". She's lazy and selfish. I've asked her once if she could pick me up from work (as my dad was unavailable) knowing for a fact she's not working and I get a response saying ""I'll pick you up at the bus stop down the road"" - which doesn't help me at all.",Stress +28678,"My father is an alcoholic, and he has been for about 34 years. My mom has had to deal with this the entire time, and lately, he has been having parties at their house and drinking up until 3-4am almost every weekend. He drinks everyday, and my mother usually comes to me to vent about it. I’ve honestly lost my patience because I feel she should do something about it, but she won’t. She’s afraid to leave because he says he’ll accuse her of abandoning the home.",Stress +28679,I have no assets to sell outside of a broken android phone and have no family to ask for help from. I am about $150 short right now and have had to skip appointments to save money. My landlord has a quick temper and is not often understanding of late payments. I am on a month-to-month lease and am very afraid that I will lose my apartment. I have work prospects that should become viable within the next couple of weeks but I really need help to get to that point.,Stress +28680,"Did you guys ever experience similar periods as I did? A friend of mine from work recently ended up going through a similar situation to what I did and is also homeless now, and the way he describes his life right now is very similar to how mine was when it started for me. Unexpectedly fun and fast paced. And he's also noticed the rather curious trend where its a roll of the dice as to whether the person you decide to let know you're homeless will either be really nice about it or a disgustingly hostile. Funny story, I once had a woman cuss me out in the middle of Wal-mart specifically because she decided that me having rather heavily tattooed arms was just awful (my words not hers lol) when I don't have a place to live.",Normal +28681,"I hadn't laught and felt so wanted in litterally years ! So how come I'm so what ever it is I can't just say: hey want to go out to starbucks or something? I just want to be myself I guess I really want to at least try, if I get yes or maybie or no. I don't want to the regret of not even just trying. Thanks!",Normal +28682,"Hardly any jobs there too. So maybe even the next town over is the only place age could find a job. I have a car, not very reliable car, at that. So she has a place to stay until she gets on her feet but no transportation. No licence to trek that 20 miles back and forth up and down the mountain even if she did get a job.",Stress +28683,He said all those things. I currently don’t have a passport. He sent it away because the W something tax return needs to be filed. Whatever that is. I’m British.,Normal +28684,"I don't know why, because it didn't bother me before I actually saw it on a screen, but I am absolutely crushed. I've asked him to hide it from me from now on and expressed how hurt it was, but I went to use his gaming system a couple of days ago and saw he was still looking it up regularly (I guess he thought I wouldn't use it - I had gone to look up something and all the searches popped up in the Bing bar). I never felt attractive to him and I know that's my own fault and insecurity and not his problem to fix. I know rationally that men like variety. But I haven't sent him nudes in probably two months now.",Stress +28685,"During my break at work today, a little over two hours ago, I was enjoying a cup of grape juice. At one moment I started drinking it too fast, and choked and coughed for a few moments. Then i was constantly burping and had the taste of grape juice in my mouth for the next hour after that. Lol. But thanks to my anxiety, I have managed to convince myself juice got in my lungs and I'm gonna get ""Dry/Secondary Drowning""...",Stress +28686,"What you did was disgusting. I have thought endless times about suing your ass for my herpes medicine and therapy because I have that email saved. My best bud, who is a lawyer said, ""OP, I hate to break it to ya, you could win, but its not worth it."" He is right. You will one day do something abhorrent to the wrong person and karma will balance it all out.",Normal +28687,I am constantly afraid of when it's going to happen next and I'm so scared I'm going to have some embarrassing reaction to it. It happened today and I was able to play it cool for about 5 minutes and then I went on my lunch and cried my eyes out in my car. I've been having really bad flashbacks all afternoon and night. I really wish it didn't get to me like this. My day was seriously ruined by a harmless prank.,Stress +28688," I am a 30 year old male with a 5 lb dog recently homeless in Washington state. My dog is the last remaining thing from when life was normal, and I refuse to get ride of her after being my companion for 6 years. Reason for my homeless, car broke had to work fast food because it was close to home. I was assigned less hours than the high schoolers I worked with (3-4 hour shifts)I was unable to maintain the apartment. I do not have any drug abuse problems or alcohol.",Stress +28689,"Have had lots of other challenges of course... but I yearn for a connection with someone who has given up a child from rape for adoption. As I opened up to people around me, my support network expanded and I found more survivors. The comfort of hearing the same things I thought were freakish about my coming straight out of another woman’s mouth was like, wow. How comforting. And I crave that with adoption so much.",Normal +28690,"She wouldn't bring it - trying to pawn it off on others. She WOULD eventually bring home food - at like 3 A.M. (when bars close, :x) when the food would be cold and soggy from the grease soaking into it. This happened pretty often and I never really paid no mind to it, once again, I was a kid and didn't really think anything of it. I remember her taking me to my grandparents (her side) for the weekend quite a few times - and being horribly saddened by just being dumped off by her so she could go see different men. Once I was fifteen (february of '06) I got into an argument with my father and I wasn't taking his BS anymore.",Normal +28691,Obviously they don't care but to me it means everything. I've always been like this. My dream one day is just to magically wake up with this skill.. if only like worked like that.. Does anyone have any tips on how to calm my anxiety down and not let it overpower me? Anything would be greatly appreciated.,Stress +28692,"I don't use accommodations at school, so being able to finally hit that goal feels amazing, it feels as if a part of me is finally back, and that all my hard work, sweat, tears, and angry words are getting me somewhere. Two years isn't much, and I know many of you struggle even more than I do, but if you take nothing else from this remember this: You've already made it through the hardest day of your life, you're sitting there reading this having lived past that day, and that's no small feat. In some ways you may feel weaker now, but considering that you've lived through your darkest day already, are you sure you're not just stronger in an unfamiliar way? Sure maybe amother day will creep up and it'll feel like someone hit the reset button on your world again.",Normal +28693,"I know the best thing for me is to find a new job, but I've been applying for quite awhile now with no luck and I really don't want to move to another job that I don't enjoy and will make me feel the exact same way. I sort of think I have an idea of what I want to do, but I have no idea how to make it happen while still paying my bills so I've been applying to anything that seems like it might be relevant to me, but I'm not sure the right way to go about getting into a field I don't have a degree in. Because of this I feel trapped in my job right now and it gets so bad some days where I feel like just walking out and quitting or just not going in ever again. I'm rambling at this point, does anyone else deal with a job that makes them completely miserable? How do you deal with it?",Stress +28694,"I need to borrow $60, I was in the hospital earlier this week and missed a shift so I'm going to be short my next check, and I'm already down to only $20. I can pay back $85 by december 14th ​ I've paid back $100 in here before, and I've also posted to /r/borrow already. If you can help I'd really appreciate it, I can provide documentation of being in the hospital and my job",Stress +28695,"my mom hollered at me to come help with something in the kitchen. I went slowly feeling like I was missing out on the fun. i purpously wasn't being much help to my mom and being the little bitch that I was seeing that she had my brother on her hip as she was trying to get the stuff ready to grill she just waved me away and told me to go on then. so i walked outside and stood on the back stoop and watched. he smiled at me, and took off his shirt, then his shoes, his socks and then his pants.",Normal +28696,"Recently had an ASD evaluation, and was diagnosed instead with PTSD, a personality disorder, major depression, etc. According to my mom, I didn't start talking until I started preschool at 4 years old, and still wouldn't talk at home... but teachers said that I wouldn't stop talking at school. It seems it was my environment. My evaluator recommended I start with EMDR for the PTSD, but I have a few questions. BTW, I am a 40 y/o female just finally trying to seek answers after a long history with mental illness.",Normal +28697,"The problem occurs when he returns to visit me for 1-2 weeks. When he's back at his girlfriend's house, he doesn't really have much to do. So, he spends a lot of time gambling. That in itself is a gigantic problem since we have almost no money. He is gambling money that he **can't afford to lose**.",Stress +28698,"My parents take me very seriously and do what they can to make sure I can avoid him. My original post made it sound like they are not supportive of me and my healing process, but they very much are. I never HAVE to see him, I make that choice willingly so I am able to see my grandma. My mom will often take my grandma out for lunch and invite me so I can see her. I live within a Mexican culture that is very good at sweeping things under the rug, my (immediate) family and I are working through this all together and I love them for what they are doing to support me.",Normal +28699,"Hey there, I'm currently an 18 year old (nearly 19) finishing up freshman year (a course in general sciences with modules in Physics, biology, math, geology) with my first university finals in about 8 days. 6 separate exams, from the 2nd of May until the 11th. Since about April 10th, I've uninstalled my Discord and logged off social media and can not express truly how happier I've felt in a while, I've been able to talk to my family more and control the amount of energy I have. (and also bring the life in the room when I'm in group study with one of my friends that we booked together studying for finals)",Normal +28700,"I paid off some of my credit card debt a couple days ago, but my company also charged me on their automatic pay system. I barely had enough this paycheck to cover just the single payment; when this extra payment processes it's going to cost me an overdraft fee. I am in no position to let that happen and so I need money to cover for it, as well as cover for my student loan payment which also hasn't processed yet. I need somewhere around $50 to completely clear me out of any sort of financial trouble. I can use Paypal or Google Wallet, whichever works best.",Stress +28701,"and it's not even those three word either. no. it spiraled. in a store. and went from ""i will always love you"" to ""i stopped loving you and everything is your fault.""",Normal +28702,I was completely on my own by 14. When she felt the cuts on my wrists in the dark on night she asked if I was cutting ? I said no and she never said anything again. I could go on and on. I think she truly believes that because I am an adult now that all the screw ups all the pain I have been through is my own fault.,Stress +28703,"i probably havesevere gad. at least i think i do. i need to get help because im avoiding anything i can. school starts again in a few weeks, and im an upcoming sophmore. i want to stop skipping lunch because all of the people in there make me anxious and i cant bring myself to look up i stare at the ground 99% of the time whenever i walk through the halls because i cant stand to make eye contact.",Stress +28704,"I told her what if her other son doesn't want him to live with him? the reality is no matter how bad or how old he is, he is still her son and she cant shake off that biological attachment she has towards him and not worry about him. This is where the problem becomes for me. I have an online friend of 5 years and she offered to me that I can stay with her for 3 month for free and during that time I can find a job to help pay rent. that's what thinking of doing.",Normal +28705,"John often withholds her very necessary prescription drugs to get his way, which is super messed up. Recently she had a small financial windfall and he became super nice and after they spent it all he reverted. He's extremely manipulative and abusive. She's shown us pictures of bruises. The plan right now is that she'll get her prescription sent to somewhere near us, then while John is at work, she leaves with her service dog, meets us in our car and we take her to our house a few hours away.",Normal +28706,"Lily is a really nice person (atleast, I'll continue to believe she is), and I think she might be open to it. Apparently, Mina and Lily have known eachother since childhood. I still think there's a bond there. I want to look up a professional too, or some kinda of therapist, someone to help her and give her real advice, not my under-educated whims. If I could get some resources, that would really helpful.",Normal +28707,"How did you come up with it? I've wanted to kill myself almost everyday for 17 years. I'm done talking to therapists and asking friends for help. Right now I see two options: commit suicide or develop an emergency self-care plan for when I'm feeling this way so I'll be okay until I feel safe again. Unfortunately, my meds only impact anxiety (and only sometimes), not depression or PTSD.",Stress +28708,"I'm afraid that maybe they aren't true and I'm demonizing him in my memory because having a villain that did horrible things to me is just easier to digest than the complicated truth. The worst thing is, I can't bring myself to talk to anybody. I always felt like I wasn't bad enough to need a doctor. I felt like I could get through it on my own. Even now, its hard for me to open up to my fiance about these things.",Stress +28709,"She gives me something weaker that I know will NOT work. I've been on so many meds, I feel like I'm at the point where I know what will work and what won't and she might as well written me a script for a sugar pill. This is what she decides to do after I tell her how anxious I am, how a heavy duty benzo isn't working and how I'm near the brink of ending my life due to fear and anxiety and have no options left. Do I blame her for being cautious? No.",Stress +28710,I realized he is not very nice or smart and totally unwilling to cooperate/compromise. I wanted to leave but he had spent all my money (promising to give it back haha) and I had nowhere to go. I had the baby (he went out to eat with his mother while I was in unmedicated labor). Basically I made one stupid mistake after another and let him walk all over me and it doesn't stop there. I took care of the baby all by myself for 6 months.,Stress +28711,"I tried to break up with him at the end of the semester the day he was supposed to leave but he intentionally missed his flight to stay talking to me and talk me into staying with him. I don't know what to do. Mostly, I am scared that I will deal some kind of huge blow to his mental health and am just very scared of the repurcussions. I have friends apart from him I feel like I can fall back on, but I feel like a monster for confirming his fear of abandonment. I also feel conflicted because he is incredibly kind and generous and affectionate",Stress +28712,"No I’m not. What I am saying though is that man and woman were designed to have a mate. A mate who completes you and makes you happy. A mate you can love and be loved by. I never searched for a man to make me happy or be my knight in shining armour, but he found me anyway.",Normal +28713,"Things are great in my life, work, personal relationships... and then I get a Friend Suggestion on Facebook, to see if I'd like to add someone from my past. My worst/abusive ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago recently joined FB. I hadn't been able to block him as he most likely used a fake name. I stupidly visited his page. He's different.",Normal +28714,"-I'm not doing this for people to MAKE money, but to help those struggling to feed themselves and/or family. My days of that are over. -if any supermarkets or stores offer similar promotions in other countries, let me know and I'll look into what can be done. DM me regarding this. And remember, anything spare you have, please donate to food banks.",Normal +28715,"Since then I´ve met some ""wrong ones""- I mean guys who lied to me, for example this guy who was trying to convince me that he loves me and wants only me and I found out that he´s been dating a girl since 2014 and that they´re expecting a baby. So yeah after these few ""mistakes"", I started having trust issues. I just couldn´t trust guys, every time I met someone I couldn´t trust him and couldn´t stop expecting something bad coming. In December last year the best thing in my life happened to me. I´ve met a guy, and he´s #EverythingGoals.",Normal +28716,"I'm new to this so please forgive me. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions. I need advice/help. I was molested multiple times by my biological dad when I was 5 up until middle school (so like 10 yrs old). After many times in the past telling my mom that my dad had ""touched me weird"" my mom had gotten annoyed and mad at me.",Stress +28717,He denied it and ever since then I think everyone is out to get me and that nothing ever happened and I'm just insane. I always doubt myself and it's hard to hang out with anyone because I think they all have some agenda toward me. I know logically nothing happened but when I get home I have to always check my body for bruises or anything suspicious. Then I feel shameful and want to self harm/die when I realize I'm accusing someone innocent of something so terrible and then my mind tells me nothing ever happened and I'm just nuts. It doesn't help that my family doesn't understand me and minimalizes all of my problems.,Stress +28718,"He and I have been pretty ""huggy"" the last couple years, and since he scared me I cut all physical contact off completely. He didn't try to initiate it today even though we won't be seeing each other for several weeks, so that's something. I don't plan on allowing any of it for the forseeable future - maybe unless I feel like he's really learned something or changed somehow. I don't plan on staying the night at his place or letting him stay at mine. Probably will limit our contact to public or ""other people present"" for the most part.",Normal +28719,"So we were talking about it and she wouldn't budge again. The conversation started to heat up, nothing I said was enough, that we would buy something, that I would cook with her, that we could go 1 day earlier and cook at my grandma's, nothing. She pushed me to the edge again until I lost it and ended the argue saying that she mustn't go this year with me. That she must stay with her family, that I didn't want her to go with my family so she wouldn't have to worry anymore. She calmed down and we got to sleep.",Normal +28720,"He took his sleeping pills before cleaning out his gun. The magazine was out, but there was a bullet stuck in the chamber. He accidentally pulled the trigger. It went straight through his arm chair and hit his dog in the head. She yelped slightly and tried to walk away before she slumped down and passed on.",Normal +28721,"I have been living in at a homeless shelter run by the Salvation Army since the beginning of February (I know it hasn't been that long but still), and I started a new job a month or so later around the beginning of March. I don't know if my boss did a google search of the address I have on record or maybe drove past it one day, but I overheard him talking to another one of the staff about how 'the homeless population here in Toronto is getting pretty bad, and how there might be a lot once the weather improves because of the people trying to leave the USA because of Trump' And since I heard this conversation, I went from having 3 shifts of 4 hours per week (12 hours per week), down to this week I have 1 shift that's only 3 hours, and he's blaming how our sales are really slow, which they are down by an average of 4% compared to last year according to the reports that are printed automatically each day. It also doesn't help that since I started a month ago, we had 11 employees and as of this morning we now have 16. Tell me why the hell if business is so slow, why did we increase the number of staff by almost 50%?",Stress +28722,"(If so, how do I work on fixing that?) * Is this a lack of clear communication? (By either one party or both) * Should I try to get back in touch with them? Thank you if you made it this far.",Normal +28723," I am willing to answer any questions and show proof. * Edit, the candies are because after 20++ years he finally stopped smoking and it helps the cravings. The apple juice helps him take his medication.",Normal +28724,"It’s resulted in me coming up with excuses to not hang out with him, which, yes, I feel bad about. Through my interactions with him, I have gotten the hint that Jack is interested in me, in a more-than-friends kind of way. I don't want to assume this as a fact—it's certainly possible that he is just trying to make a new friend. Along with many small hints that he *is* interested in me, however, the biggest hint is probably whenever I mention my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend of about a year, and whenever I do mention him, Jack seems very visibly uncomfortable.",Normal +28725,"She also told me that I was an idiot for wasting my life, or attempting to end it anyways. I came out of that appointment in tears. That was a horrible day and I still think about it. It made me feel like I had nothing to complain about. Its only taken me until the last couple of weeks to finally accept that I did nothing wrong.",Stress +28726,"2. Socialize! we sure did not evolve as lone creatures, we always evolved as packs, it was always crucial to our survival, and thats why we get anxious without it, even if we dont know it, but that doesn't mean you need to 24/7 socialize, Remember - lonliness is a nice place to visit, but a horrible place to live in, so go out there and simply talk to other people, it can be your school mates, colleagues, or even something a lot more simple such as your local shop clerk, in the last few years we can see a sharp decline in socializing because mainly everything became online, and our survival instincts kick in, letting us know something is way off, and needs to be fixed, it does not like being alone, and do not try to replace real human socializing with social networks, which brings me to the next point - ​ 3.",Normal +28727,"Also, as of right now, the 2017 team is on their trek to Alaska. Because of this, I'm limited on what I can do to raise money, since the main focus is on them. In the meantime, all I can do is ask for donations. I was hoping Reddit could help me out with this. If anyone wants to donate to me personally, here's the link to do so, along with my reason for riding: ",Stress +28728,"Am I being way overdramatic? Hope I provided enough information. I truly tried not to sound angry or overly upset. --- **tl;dr**: My mother has hit me quite a few times, put my clothes in trash bags when I don't clean them on time, won't let me lock my door, and has threatened to take away the car I drive that they paid for (and therefore job and access to classes).",Stress +28729,"I’m high risk for PPD seeing as I have preexisting BPD and anxiety, and going back into working immediately after giving birth would most likely be very damaging. Not to mention I haven’t had the easiest pregnancy, having had multiple emergency room stays and having been hospitalized. My goal is to have at least the required time to recover, without having to put myself in debt. Even $5 is a huge help, because that's $5 less that we'll have to borrow to cover our bills while I'm not working. ",Stress +28730,"I didn’t realize before my brother had kids just how high pitch they can get. I don’t have kids nor do I want them. I’m expected to be around them 24/7 and when they’re all losing their shit, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide away. I’m constantly on edge because I’m constantly being startled or scared, there’s a lot of yelling and screaming and crying, and it’s only the end of day 3 of a two week vacation. Sorry for the long post, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this until January when I see my therapist next.",Stress +28731,"She used to make me lie in bed with her when my stepdad was gone for the night and she would rub my hair and my ears. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I got so angry when people would touch my head or ears. She would make me sit in the front seat and hold her hand while we were driving. She said it made our relationship stronger. She told me that when I was born, I gave her the best orgasm of her life.",Normal +28732,What do you think would happen if you invited an individual with mental health issues who had been homeless for many years to move directly from the street into housing? Loyd Pendleton shares how he went from skeptic to believer in the Housing First approach to homelessness -- providing the displaced with short-term assistance to find permanent housing quickly and without conditions -- and how it led to a 91 percent reduction in chronic homelessness over a ten-year period in Utah. ,Normal +28733,I was very severally bullied by the kids there. My dad managed to prove he wasn't a part of the robbery. He got me out of the foster care and drove me up to my oldest brother's house (he lived directly across the water from Seattle). Told me he'd be back in three days to pick me up. He never came back.,Normal +28734,"* Almost impossible to remember something happened in past on conversation. * Hard to remember names of people or what happened in film and names from there. * Can’t recall nothing from my childhood… there is only some common memories. * I literally have worse memory than my grandmother - she can remember thing when she was small I can’t. **Closing both eyes tightly [like causing feeling like: shaking, vibration, electricity behind eyes.",Stress +28735,"With my therapist's help, I was able to start functioning better, being able to take care of myself a bit better, do certain things for myself, like going into a store solo for errands, without needing someone there as a safety-anchor. ​ However... Over those seven years, there's been a lot of turmoil for me. Nana ended up going through multiple strokes, one of them eventually rendering her righthand hemiplegic, necessitating her moving into a nursing home, which meant her house and assets had to be sold. Mum and I then moved in with her aunt (my great-aunt), who needed someone there due to her PArkinsons getting to the point where she had very limited mobility.",Normal +28736,"We’re still behind on bills, but we will catch up now we’re finally in cheaper accommodation. I’ve tried everything I can to earn some form of income, but unfortunately I’ve not been able to land a part time job, and I’ve been deemed ineligible for any welfare or study assistance. We have one last major hurdle. My tuition fees for my final semester are overdue, but I’ve been given an extension until the 24th of August and unfortunately we’re still short and running out of time. As a last resort I’ve set up a GoFundMe.",Stress +28737,"If you qualify, you will complete a variety of questionnaires online. The study will involve four online assessments over the next month that should take about 40-50min to complete and you will be compensated up to $70 in online gift cards to Amazon. A few important things to know about the study are: 1. The study includes questions and images regarding self-harm, suicide, and other unpleasant images.",Normal +28738,I am constantly freaking out and unable to see friends that don't know about my diagnosis or make the friends that do feel very uncomfortable. I feel guilty because I feel as if I brought this all on myself because if I hadn't of taunted my father he would not have attacked me. I know rationally this is not true but I cannot shake the feeling. Has anyone else experienced this and is willing to give advice. The guilt is eating me up.,Stress +28739,"So I'm getting a cheap apartment, most utilities included, and all maintenance covered. I used the last of my savings for the application fee and hold fee. I'm going to be moving at the end of the month and it's going to be tight, paying the security deposit and prorated rent when I already had to pay lot rent for the trailer this month. I'm selling the trailer at a loss to get about a third of it, selling everything I don't need in the hopes for another third, and I should be able to cover the rest from my paycheck... If I cut the grocery bill.",Normal +28740,"After burning out, I fumbled through a tough, 8-year commitment in the United States Marine Corps. I then went back to college and obtained an Associates Degree with a 4.0 GPA, before burning out just shy of a Bachelors. Following that, by leveraging my limited IT experience from the Marine Corps, I landed a job averaging $110k annually with a Fortune 500 company. Along the way I got married, and my wife and I now have four, brilliant children. Three years since burning up (again) and walking away from the $110k job, life continues to go completely down hill.",Stress +28741,"Background: This time last year I lost my job, got evicted and my car broke down all in the same month. Cut to today and I found out my site is closing and we'll all soon be out of the job. I just feel like a big ball of anxiety and like I can't quite turn my brain off. It's like the world beneath my feet is off and I'm doing everything I can not to cry. Sorry for the brick of text.",Stress +28742,"Good goals - She finished undergrad and already wants to go back to school. I value girls who want to get a good education or pursue entrepreneurship. Doesn't ask me for much - Given my financial situation, she hasn't asked me to do something that was out of my budget. Since I'm not really feeling her, should I let her go? I'm asking this because most of the girls I've met aren't like her.",Normal +28743,"I just got a small job offer from a friend of mine who works prepping dessert plates at a restaurant, and well I agreed to try it out but I feel so anxious. This happens every time I look for jobs and they actually want to hear of me. I don’t know why, the whole process just feels like my embarrassment on display and I’m afraid to commit myself to working part time due to this. It’s nothing hard yet I feel so ashamed when I tell my family and partner that I didn’t simply like the job or feel like it’s demanding too much of me atm. It’s like getting a job takes so much from me atleast socially.",Stress +28744,Hello all I am about to be laid off. I am currently on a prepaid cell phone plan. I use this basic smartphone for all extra side money and internet. I can barely pay the bill this month but the device is not working well at all as it is old and I spilled a good amount of water on it last night during dinner.,Stress +28745,"Since this happened during a pivotal time in his developing sexuality, his body reacted despite his revulsion. He has been prescribed a myriad of medications to try and combat the dreams but not much has helped. It will work for a week to a few weeks, but the dreams manifest no matter what. He had been seeing a cognitive therapist, but she was not helping much. I personally believe that he needs someone who can get a bit deeper and work on the root of the problems and that the dreams are his subconscious’ way of screaming for help.",Normal +28746,"It's unfortunate we can't crosspost links from other subs like r/psychology to r/ptsd because sometimes a useful article comes along that might really help. TL;DR - This study suggests, for whatever reason, some people who experience trauma learn to associate signifiers of the event with less invasive memories which helps them be less affected by it. And that it could potentially be applied in CBT therapy. It doesn't say how as of yet. Disclaimer: I have not read [the itself, just the article.",Normal +28747,I've been thinking about this for weeks and have talked about it with her on numeral occasions and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just don't know what to feel right now and I'm an emotional wreck. Am I overthinking or it are these reasonable things to worry about? --- **tl;dr**: worried what people will say about my girlfriend and I.,Stress +28748,"I will not be sharing my credit details. Though hard, I will end my friendship with her. Might think about it if she apologizes but am not sure at this moment. I will cherish connections with more on my other friends who were super nice to let me know what's happening at home. It's really frustrating not being able to confront Jenna physically but as others mentioned, I hope others who've initially believed her will realize the truth.",Normal +28749,"I called my boyfriend, and I just ranted at him. He was shocked. I've never spoken like that about anyone. I wasn't even thinking about what was coming out of my mouth, and I just called her all these names and said all these horrible things about her when she isn't a bad person! How the hell do I get over this?",Stress +28750,I'm so scared I actually don't want to lose him. I love him. I love him so much. tl;dr: I've gotten gaslighted in my past relationships and it's caused me to have a lot of self doubt about my thoughts and feelings and question myself constantly. in this case I'm questioning if im actually losing feelings since I'm developing crushes on others.,Stress +28751,"We have an active community with diverse interests and diagnoses. We do require that our members be people suffering from disorders rather than asking for advice on another's behalf. Our focus is on support, so we have 10+ support channels in which you can talk 1:1 with a support volunteer. We have lots of off-topic channels for creativity, physical health, meme-spam, and a daily-prompt for writing exercises. The Haven: Care when you need it, care for others when you can.",Normal +28752,I have it for 7.5mg twice a day. I also took Trazadone one night and felt similar effects from the Klonopin. Does Buspar have much in terms of withdrawal? I am thinking of maybe picking up some L-Ornithine HCL and Glycine for sleep quality to see if that helps. I would prefer to stay away from pharma medications just due to the possible side effects and withdrawal issues.,Normal +28753,"I might be homeless soon, I have about 500 dollars in my bank account and I NEED to get out of Massachusetts. I am going to be a college drop-out in my 3rd year due to family reason instead of academics. After a lot of research, I am contemplating between Wichita, Kansas and Columbus, Ohio. I really just want a minimum wage job where I can have a bed and private bathroom. Afterward I can get my life together and start taking programming jobs again.",Stress +28754,"I will, personally, be testifying as a witness in this case Justine's custody was taken away after a suicide attempt while battling postpartum depression. Her son and his father were home at the time of the incident. Following this Atticus was put solely in the custody of his father.",Normal +28755,"But he doesn't ask, either. When I do open up, all I can think is ""He's probably bored and wishing I'll stop talking."" or ""He hasn't contributed to this conversation once, why don't I just talk to a wall?"" I know he cares, he really does. He has voiced his frustration that he can't relate and that I struggle.",Normal +28756,"So the now: we had been commiserating for a while about our shitty exes and stress, and about 3 weeks ago I was on a date and realized I would have rather just spent the night with her instead of the date. A couple days later while having some drinks and de-stressing I kissed her. She kissed me back. We stopped before having sex and ended up meeting a couple days later where we both agreed to take things slow, in light of our most recent breakups. We ended up spending the next few nights together as she didn't want to be home around her ex and we just cuddled and would kiss but then stop before we had sex.",Normal +28757,"When I was eighteen I lived with my father as adult roomates, I found him four years later at 22, when he died of a heroin overdose. He was bereft at the fact that he had done wrong by us kids during those years. He had striven to be better than his father, who was a overtly cruel man who abandoned the family when he was 11. It is so hard for me to think he knew any better. The only way he could have done right by us, would have been to give us kids up.",Normal +28758,"Then right after, said “do you think I made you feel like that ever?” Then got noticeably nervous. Which makes me think of one memory that sticks out as a child (I don’t have too many childhood memories, but I remember this one well). I was probably 3 or 4, and wearing purple underwear, and I’m pretty sure I fell asleep with pyjamas on, and then in the morning I woke up asking why I didn’t have pyjamas on anymore, and my dad and uncle said “you don’t remember? We came in when you were in bed last night and uncle _______ held you for a bit” and I remember being super confused because I didn’t remember that, and also, why would they come in and hold me when I was asleep? Anyway, that memory was weird.",Normal +28759,"And we end up spending an indefinitely long period of time together that just never seems like it will end. I would really like to be able to hang out with her, like cook dinner, or go to a bar, or watch a movie, for example, and then just both go back to our individual homes and do our own thing. But, that seems impossible. I guess I’m really if it is necessary to constantly, physically, be with a S/O for a healthy relatioship to flourish? Am I being unreasonable/ inconsiderate in my desire to be alone?",Normal +28760,"That was easy, I was probably anxious about my health because I lost a very close relative when I was 11. The second step was to identify when my health anxiety episodes were taken place. Checking my records of doctor visits, I could see that my health anxiety manifests after a stressful period in my personal or working life. The stressful period would cause some psychosomatic symptoms and would trigger my health anxiety. Another trigger would be something I heard about someone dying or getting sick or reading about a rare illness.",Stress +28761,"I endured months and months of all types of abuse, the final time was when he grabbed an iron gym equipment that you attach to the wall and threatened to hit my pregant stomach with it. After all of this, after denying my child, saying he wasnt the father, after taking everything he had from me, i missed an important detail: A witness stood quiet. To this day, I think heavily of this, and I fear that karma will get them both (heavens forbid) through the child. Please.",Stress +28762,"I was home for winter break, and I didn't see him at all during that time. My issue revolves around me feeling insanely guilty anytime I'm out with him, anytime he buys me things, etc. It's like, I hear my mother's voice in my head and she's yelling at me for making bad choices, telling me I shouldn't be wasting my time with a loser like him, that I'm a lowlife, etc etc. To clarify, I'm a goodie-two-shoes. I never did anything ""bad"" until I was in my early teens.",Normal +28763,"I can't find an affordable place to rent that would fit in with my budget and I have no savings. I've looked up a lot of the shelters around me that give out meals/ have assistance, but they all close before I get out of work so I can't even drive over and ask questions. I can't call during work because I work in a very customer-centric work environment. So I guess my questions are: What should I be looking out for when living in my car? How do I go NC with my dad but still keep in contact with my family?",Stress +28764,"Be ready to contribute (reasonably). B - Calmly, with neutral to negative vocabulary and intonation express dissatisfaction with certain behavior, action or outcome of action and politely ask not to repeat same behavior/action/make sure particular outcome doesn’t repeat again. Make sure message was audible and comprehended and if necessary still calmly repeat again Be ready for calm reasonable discussion in case of decline. C - Harsh, sudden, loud expression of dissatisfaction.",Normal +28765,"I'm 29 and I've just committed to moving into a shared apartment in my city centre. I've never lived in a place like this before because it's an en-suite with my own double bedroom and bathroom, but the kitchen and lounge is shared with about 15 other 'profressionals' It's right in the centre of a bustling city near all the bars and music venues. I've always lived in the suburbs but I've always felt a bit disconnected from everything because most of my (limited) social life takes place in the city centre. But now I'm scared because I'm such an introvert and there's going to be lots of people around all the time and I'm worried I've made a mistake. Another big worry of mine is that my ex best friend lives just a few streets away from where I will be living and we are going to be sharing the same supermarket etc.",Stress +28766,"I grew up my country’s equivalent of the bible belt. My country is well known for being very very progressive in our larger cities, and very very conservative in our villages – this is true I think for most countries, but the sheer difference between our “levels” is pretty well known. I grew up in an abusive household, surrounded by really misogynist men, and have experienced trauma on both these fronts. This obviously caused me some mental health issues. I was afraid of, and uncomfortable around, men for a very long time.",Stress +28767,I wanna break down my situation. I know you guys can't help but I need to vent. My partner works in a job he is treated like crap in and hates for little money. He is looking for new work. That's good and I'm proud of him.,Normal +28768,"I've put him up in a motel for a few days, bought him a bike, and gave him some money, but I know I can't afford to have him stay at a motel forever (or even support him like that! ), the money will run out, and I just feel sick/stressed/sad because I don't even know what to do at this point or how to help anymore than what I've already done. I work full time and have to suppport myself and I live at home with my mother and she wants absolutely nothing to do with him. He needs help and I just don't what else I can do. Any advice or resources would be much appreciated!",Stress +28769,"I'm having problems with a friend and I thought an outsider's perspective might be useful. She's always been a bit overly emotional and controlling, having previously been very easy to anger, and having previously tracked me and an ex through my phone, and going through my belongings without my knowledge to check texts etc. It really worsened recently. Maybe a year or so arguments because a regular occurrence when we had been drinking. I've had to deal with taking care of her after outbursts like this on numerous occasions, the worst being a visit to the hospital when she stormed off and I found her in a parking lot, having fallen and hit their head.",Normal +28770,"Two days ago I packed all of my clothes into my car and have started living out of it. I sleep in the parking lot at work, work for 8 hours, and then spend the day at Starbucks on the internet and charging my electronics. Once Thursday rolls around I will have ~$400, which is not much as far as being able to afford a place to sleep. If I become good at living out of my car over the next few days, I may just use some of that money to invest in making it easier for myself. I don't really know why I'm posting this here, except that living out of your car is a pretty lonely experience.",Stress +28771,It honestly felt like someone punched a hole right through me. Later in the day I texted her and we talked. I asked her how the trip went. She sounded exited to talk to me and it sounded like it would work out between us. I asked her abut her friend and if anything had happened between them and she said that nothing had happened and that her aunt was with her the whole time.,Stress +28772,It does eventually pass once i realise they are sticking by me. Some just cant stick it out which is fair enough. I find it frustrating though as i have just drove someone away who i really liked. He has ended up deleting and blocking me as he didnt at all help with reassurance which just made my mind go into overdrive creating scenarios that were probably non existent. Does anybody else deal with this?,Normal +28773,"It's heartbreaking to watch him get up at night to cry. I suggested therapy but he's not in favour of it. I think his father passing has also altered his reactions, which are out of whack now. I was sick last week and was not in town - he let a couple of dishes fester in the sink, and I discovered when I got back that there was fungus on it. (i.e.",Normal +28774,"Basically I’m going through quite a bit right now. I suffer from anxiety, depression probably (low mood, irritation, poor concentration) and things just haven’t been going that well. My friend who has autism makes off-the-wall jokes about death and killing in general. That bothers me as two of my friends have passed away in their 20s… And I still think about them and try to remember the good times. Suffering from The Doubting Disease has been fun.",Stress +28775,"When I'm single it's never an issue if a person I'm seeing is sleeping with others but as soon as I fall in love, I can get kind of possessive. My partner is very much the opposite. All of his relationships have been open and he's slept with pretty much all of his friends. Maybe a few months ago he told me that he'd really like it if I slept with other people. I was fairly keen but was getting weird gut fear at the thought of him sleeping with other people.",Normal +28776,"I was diagnosed with PTSD after I was assaulted when I was 18, but to be honest I've never really felt like I had it. I can usually push things down so deeply that I don't feel many repercussions of what I've been through aside from a lot of shame. In the last 4 months though, someone who's been on and off harassing me since I was 17 has resurfaced. He was sending me hundreds of texts and calling me saying things varying from ""you're going to marry me and we can have kids and live together forever"" to ""you're a whore and you're a disgusting person and I want to (insert threat) you"". He makes fake accounts and tries to add me or adds my friends accusing them of taking me from him.",Stress +28777,"Our family cat Bootsy became very ill and we took her to the vet. We spent what little money we had on diagnostics there and after an ultrasound it was determined she would need surgery immediately or she would likely die. We didn't have the money for surgery but found an organization which would perform the procedure and provide necessary care to help her if we transferred ownership. We gave Bootsy up to have a chance of saving her life. After some weeks of care and a surgery, we recently found out Bootsy fully recovered, but the organization will not return her to us unless we pay for a portion of the cost of her care, approximately $650.",Stress +28778,I was also forced (with threat of prison time) to get asleep apnea test. Fastest response from the VA I’ve ever seen. Within 36 hours I was diagnosed and set up with a CPAP machine. Matches up with my ex-wife’s thoughts that I don’t sleep more than 30 min before coughing myself awake and throwing fists. Burn pits fucking suck.,Stress +28779,"-I don't have any relief in my symptoms and am concerned that I've wasted an entire year of my life I'm concerned that I not leave this relationship too soon, but at the same time, I'm paying for this therapy, I have repeatedly brought up questions about goals in my sessions, and don't feel like this is the right fit...unless I need to open up more. I chose her initially because she was covered by my insurance less because I felt like she was the right match. Do I stick this out? I have started to fantasize about having a new therapist, because then I could start over and feel heard.",Stress +28780,"We kept in touch the entire time (and he'd always seem to want me desperately, even telling me things like ""I can't wait to see you as soon as I'm back""). But when he got back, he didn't see me right away. And despite my asking him a couple of times (like, two or three), we didn't see each other for nearly two months. Eventually, I literally said ""So are we ever going to see each other again or is this just over?"" He responded by immediately asking me on a date for that week, at a nice French restaurant near his place.",Normal +28781,"They can’t get into a shelter because they are employed but they still don’t make enough to afford to rent anywhere. They’ve tried rooms for rent but they can’t get into anything because it’s either, no couples, no kids, male only, female only etc. Hotel/Motel rooms are expensive. They have no family or friends that would be willing to accommodate them. What would you suggest to them?",Normal +28782,"While he constantly texts and asks what I'm doing. If I don't satisfactorily respond, he gets passive aggressive and tells me he's worried about what I'm doing, he's ""bugging out"" his ears are ringing so he knows I'm doing something. He said that today. Via text when I was on the phone with driver control. It makes me think he is psychic or something, because any time I do anything to try and get past this relationship, for myself, it's like he knows.",Normal +28783,"I could really use additional input on this because I'm not exactly sure what a healthy and compatible relationship looks like at this point. When we try to go out and do things, we often do not have fun because our personalities clash. Example of this, I wanted to go kayaking and was surprised that he said yes because he rarely wants to be outside. We get to the springs to kayak and I want to go in the water because I see no point in kayaking if you don't go in the water. He refuses because he hates water.",Normal +28784,He went on rant (not aggressive) about how he worked all 50 something year's for the stuff he has and how everyone want to just thrown it away. And at that point I feeling like a gave up (it being 6 yrs to this day since I've graduated High school and grasped an idea). I currently want nothing from him. I still love my father and would do for him as he is still my dad but I don't trust him at all!! I did not mention the fact that he'll go through the garbage to see what me and my mother thrown out.,Stress +28785,Now I want to drink till I'm drunk again and my head sounds as though there is yelling when I'm the only one home. Hmm...fun times. At least I have a drs appointment coming up soon so I can bring it up. Still. These moments suck.,Stress +28786,"There is a time difference and he's busy! don't worry about it winteryokohama"" but there is also crazy brain that is thinking, ""This is him trying to never talk to me again and end things."" I am driving myself crazy and I'm sick of it. I am NOT spamming him with texts, i am giving him space, and trying to let him enjoy his trip! What are your thoughts reddit?",Stress +28787,"to complicate things, we live in cities that are hours away from each other and i just wrecked my car. the helplines i keep getting referred to have been useless so far. i'm staying with extended family and have no support relationship-wise from either them or friends because we're all dead broke. i do have a job but i'm having to pay expensive uber fare just to get there as its a while away. i just got the news about this yesterday so i'm frantically searching for answers.",Stress +28788,And November. And then two weeks ago which resulted in heavy head bruising and another concussion that lasted all of the two weeks. He kneed me repeatedly on the head and kicked me in the face as well as punched me several times. I tried to escape. I tried to get away.,Stress +28789,"They threw me up against the wall, patted me down and told me to sit down outside. The first agent ran in making quick tactical turns around the corners and in the rooms with his gun out. I asked one of the cops what was going on a few times before the words ""Child Pornography"" dropped out of his mouth like a fucking anvil in my gut. I didn't say anything, I could not comprehend that it was really happening. I've been through some shit in my life but I've never experienced the level of total bewilderment and unreality that I did when I realized the FBIs Crimes Against Children unit was raiding me for kiddie porn.",Stress +28790,"He has since gained back about three pounds, but he is still a far shot from what he used to be. He's going into the procedure tomorrow. The total cost is 1150 dollars, and to be honest, I'm a poor college student. The procedure will be put on a credit card, and I probably won't be paying it off for a long time. Blackie has been my cat for the last ten years, and without this treatment there is a good chance he will not make it past summer.",Stress +28791,"The fact I let it get so out of hand is embarrassing. I receive no unemployment benefits, have no money and my self worth is in the dumps. I am ok on food for now and a somewhat stable location. I'd be over the moon if any number of individuals would grant me the essentials within my amazon wish-list that I am sharing in my post, it'd lift my spirits, bolster my self-esteem and will to move forward and I wouldn't repel people. What I haven't listed I don't need.",Normal +28792,"Link to donate: Below You can find the mission statement for the fundraiser, but I'd like to say something first. This is the programs tenth year and we're looking to leave a legacy for the next ten years of players to come through. But not only the, but our community. We use a public field that is shared with our community and we love them.",Normal +28793,"He has struggled to hold jobs, finish his degree, or make rent on a monthly basis. Joe and Janet live in the big city a few hours away from the small town where they grew up. They came here for university and stayed. About half of Joe’s circle of friends is Janet’s friend circle including ex boyfriends and her college peers. The other half are bar friends.",Normal +28794,"I am not sad, I am not depressed, I am still a very happy and optimistic person with a great life, good friends, family, job, all that. But I am struggling to manage this anxiety because it spills into life. I don't have thoughts I obsess over, I don't worry about anything really. It's just the stress I have been through set up my body for this crap response. Besides relaxation, meditation and such, what can you recommend?",Stress +28795,"Anything you forgot to write about in your statement that you wish you would've? I have so much to say that I have no idea where to start. Thank you so much in advance. sending hope, love, courage and so many prayers for everyone during this season of your lives. so thankful for this community and support from each and every single one of you.",Normal +28796,"It was more calm then I had felt in months. But then I remembered, scars. That has stopped me since those three days of calm. I only have few scratches and cuts and one glass cut but I easily hide them with a few wristbands and a watch. Thing is, everything scars and if I keep going, its going to affect me later in life.",Stress +28797,"And I also know this is not what my grandmother would have wanted (she was very traditional, and having her granddaughters as pallbearers would just be not her style). Personally, I have nothing against changing traditions- I just can't do it. On top of it, I was not asked if I would be a pallbearer, I just found out via my sister that I would be one. My Dad was planning on telling me when I got there for the visitation. Reactions form my family have been:",Normal +28798,"> Eventually I fell asleep, probably around 11:15 PM. During the night, I had many bizarre dreams, some bordering on nightmares. I woke up around 5:00 AM naturally, as I always do. My alarm is set for 7:00 AM, so I still had 2 hours to sleep. I tried to fall back asleep, and for the next 2 hours, I drifted in and out of sleep, continuing to have bizarre dreams whenever I did fall asleep.",Normal +28799,"However, he seems to have quite few girl-friends and he is friendly with them, but not to this extend I would say. We have known each other for a month now and I wonder should I wait for him to make a move / should I completely leave it since he is coworker / or should I ask him out? I am interested to get to know him and I dont have problem to ask him out casually, however, I dont want to rush things. On the other hand, I dont want it to get too old and have lots of small talk and not really get to know each other. Any advise?",Normal +28800,"My husband (29m) and I (26f) live across the country from our parents and have been there almost two years now. I don't really have a relationship with my inlaws (mf 65ish) (ie they never reach out to me expect for once to ask what to get my husband for his birthday and rarely talk to my husband, they don't ask about me or don't seem interest when I'm brought up) and it doesn't bug me because they are incredibly negative and angry people. My fil has anger issues and will have a meltdown in public (he's done it several times in front of me) and my mil is self absorbed among several other issues. I don't want to get into every story, and man do I have some stories, but i guess it's important to know that I've been warned about their general attitude and behavior from others and everyone who has met them that I'm friends or family with has agreed with me that their son is the source of their happiness and they feed off of each others negativity. However, they've never been out rightly malicious towards me.",Normal +28801," One is my current bank statement, the other is the pizza. :) ____________________________________________ So I'm between paychecks and I've managed to get of my act together to pay most of my bills by asking the church and through private donations.",Normal +28802,"I meant this stuff, and I think I still sort of do. The reason I've been so angry recently is just the general stuff with my family, but also my dad specifically. He's been awful to me in the past couple of days, everything I say or do no matter how good I'm trying to be is bad and horrible and stupid, and if I disagree with him even slightly he gets angry. But I think I might deserve it. I feel like a bad person.",Stress +28803,That anxiety alone can't do this. There has been times that I have been freaking out a little bit but my heart rate and blood pressure are perfect. The panic goes away quickly when I realize this. I've damn near convinced myself that I have POTS. But I've tested it out.,Normal +28804,"- I am asking for people to view a video I made about this here: You'll ""get it"" instantly. - If it moves you, PLEASE SHARE it (and/or amongst your friends, and to any relevant groups. (When sharing links, it makes a huge difference if you can personalize it slightly with a few words). If you can DONATE, I would be eternally grateful. Any amount helps.",Normal +28805,"I just want my time to matter more, and I have an idea that this might help. But for several reasons I'd need to stay within my greater metro area. So do you guys have any tips, advice or life hacks from your experience? Thanks in advance ya'll. Happy trails.",Normal +28806,"He said that I should have ptsd because the reason I was wrestling my dad for the gun is because Im a sick bastard who wanted to kill him and the rest of my family. I don't know why I made this post. I don't know if I even really got out what I wanted to say. I just feel so alone. Its been almost a year since that day but even today , my family some how twisted my actions into thinking im some sort of failed murderer",Stress +28807,"I have no one to relate with, and if I can't get around it, I'll be eventually separated because I can't afford to fail another PFT because of it. I'm not here for sympathy about what lead to my anxiety. I want to put that out there. And I'm not sorry if anyone gets offended by my dark sense of humor. That's the only way I've found temporarily deal with it.",Stress +28808,"Because if you can't beat em, join em right? I've learned that it's okay to be anxious about things that happen in my life. If I can control them, its in my hands to turn it around instead of going into a black hole. If I can't control it, panicking won't change the situation either. If it won't matter in 5 years, don't spend more than 5 minutes worrying about it.",Normal +28809,"I just feel so naked and unprotected. WIll this be any different with the therapist? After all I don't even know if I want to go to this therapy session, I'm so confused about myself it's unbelievable. Has anyone of you guys ever experienced this self-confusion before and can help me finding myself again? The appointment has not even yet been made and I'm already freakin' out about it, I feel kinda like an idiot right now.",Stress +28810,"I've had a really turbulent month and unexpected bills, and trouble with an old landlord, which has resulted in me almost being in minus on my account and almost out of rice to feed myself, i moved and got scammed out of my deposit from my landlord, which i am still awaiting, and had to buy some new things aswell as take care of my sick mate. Would really appreciate any help so i could feed myself the upcoming time, not sure if i can offer much in return except my utmost gratitude (Though tell me if you need anything and i might be able to help). This is really a last resort for me, no food banks nearby or any family i could get help from unfortunately. Thanks in advance for reading, cheers! Location Denmark",Stress +28811,"I constantly face so much anxiety in school. It makes me extremely depressed, and it’s just hard to cope with. I don’t know if anxiety/depression have anything to do with memory performance, but I’ve noticed that I remember a lot less compared to when I wasn’t in a depressed and anxious state. For hours on end I contemplate and procrastinate everyday about my depressing life. It’s just sad.",Stress +28812,"I had two friends attempt (no longer friends because one was a narcissist and the other was an abusive borderline) and both those attempts traumatized me. They made me so upset. I also was upset about the fake accusation about talking about rape porn. I keep thinking about my assault. It happened in public, at night time and it's almost like I can see how dark it is and how he forced himself upon me.",Stress +28813,"I don't know. I keep overthinking everything and I am worrying about what it would be like to be with him for an extended amount of time. What if it is horrible and we end up hating each other? I fear that I cannot deliver what he wants and deserves emotionally and sexually, and those fears stunt my ability to love him freely. I am wary of the fact I have no control over the outcome of that.",Stress +28814,"I'm exhausted from just continuing to go to work. God I'm so tired... I know I'm so much further than I was a year ago. But it still sucks. But I know I'm getting happier, I am happy most days.",Stress +28815,"Posting on a throwaway. As a paramedic student I was working in a Detroit ER, and an 8 year old girl came in. Her babysitter (15 years old) couldn't find her (for 10 minutes) and ultimately found her face down in a swimming pool. The local fire dept. responded, initiated care and transported to the facility I was working at.",Normal +28816,She loves being drowned in kisses and whisked off to bed like a princess. No all she can manage is side hugs. This is also taking a toll on me (not being able to fall asleep/wake up next to the woman of my dreams is crushing) but I'm trying with all of my heart to be sympathetic. To get to my question: does ANYBODY have any advice to help her get through this? Anything I can do or say to help her feel comfortable again?,Normal +28817,"November 8 is the anniversary of when I was kidnapped and raped. The anniversaries are always hard on me, and this year is feeling extra hard. On Facebook a lot of my friends are celebrating their own or their kids’ birthdays today, their wedding anniversaries, sharing memories of the awesome vacations they were on on this day last year, etc. I feel weird and alone in my trauma. It’s not that I want anyone to have to join me in misery, but I guess I’m wondering if anyone else out there happens to be dealing with this at the same time as me.",Stress +28818,"I told him what he did. My brother realized the situation. Once my partner arrived back after 7 hours, he messaged me and said ""I didnt mean it to seem like a break up"". But, my brother was angry. He kicked him out.",Normal +28819,"Hi r/domestic violence! You guys were recommended by the super supportive guys over at r/twoXchromosomes where I made this post earlier in the week: (tl;dr: I've been facing a lot of personal strife lately, argument on Saturday with my husband resulted in restraining and a hit to the face. We're both military members.) A few things have happened since last Saturday.",Stress +28820,"I, too, am loyal to her. My insecurity came out pretty early in our relationship. I was still getting to know her and there was a lot to figure out. It's normal to be insecure in a new relationship, but the problem is that I can't stop being insecure. I feel like my insecurities spiraled out of control and now she is thinking of leaving me.",Stress +28821,I need to start setting some healthy boundaries and cut these people out of my life. I just do not know where to start because they are family but I have three girls that are growing. I cannot have them involved with these monsters. My children will know a different world. Do I tell my father or just fade slowly into the abyss and never look back?,Stress +28822,We still have up until December on this lease together. I sponsor him in this country because he cannot stay on his own. We also work together. Today he was crying and begging me not to leave him (which I already had done) etc. I told him he needs mental health care - not for the first time - and that I can't trust him after what happened on the stairs because he crossed an even worse line than he has before with verbal abuse.,Normal +28823,"Every once and a while I will get this over whelming feeling in my head where I feel really out of it, and freaked out. I will feel like I haven’t slept in a bit, I don’t feel like me. I’m anxious but also tired and I wanna just go take a nap. But my inner self tells me that I am going to have a seizure. I don’t have seizures or anything and I am completely healthy.",Stress +28824,"They will get fed lunch at school, so we mainly need help with breakfast and dinner - we're also dreadfully close to the point of no TP. Ugh. Thank you for your consideration. If you have any ideas of products to add to this list - please feel free to let me know.",Normal +28825,"I'm volunteering at a local food bank and a large number of our clients are probably homeless. We have some social workers who try to help them get housing and have had some success. But until then, I'm considering stocking a stash of supplies at the food bank that aren't food, but could be particularly useful for people before they can get into housing. The idea isn't to provide kits instead of housing, but to stock items that might be occasionally useful. Most people are resourceful and provide for themselves, but occasionally may be short an item or two that could make a significant difference if it were immediately available.",Normal +28826,"I think about it very often, wondering if I should just do it, get it over with, but something keeps holding me back. I wonder if this was my fault, that I would be turned away for not bringing it to their attention earlier, if I would be accused of participating, I keep wondering if they’ll believe an 18 year old or a 40 year old. Please, if anyone who is struggling reads this, please don’t let yourself fall into this trap. Don’t keep your mouth closed, don’t be polite, keep yourself safe no matter what that costs. I wish every day that I had quit that job sooner, that the second people warned me that I had had the nerve just to tell another manager how he was acting, that I had told anyone how uncomfortable and scared I was.",Stress +28827,"At this point I've moved home (living with 4 younger siblings and 2 loud dogs), and I finally started a new job. I'm seeing a new psychologist and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. My new doctor has seen me twice and already changed my diagnosis I to PTSD, which not only fits all of my symptoms, but includes some that I thought were just part of my personality. But since hearing this, I've really been struggling with accepting the reality that I have to deal with. I have vivid and disturbing nightmares, I wake up soaked in sweat, freezing and crying.",Stress +28828," **tl;dr**: I've [18 F] been into my friend [18 M] for nearly two years, and he's about to go out on a date with my best friend [18 F]. I don't know how to handle my feelings about their developing romantic relationship. Also, he's trying to set me up with his best friend [19 M], and I don't know what to do about that. Thanks to anyone who may be able to offer some advice.",Stress +28829,"This leads to me not liking the general mood in the classroom which leads to me being un-motivated and demoralised when I'm at school. Every day I try to see if I can pretend to be sick to avoid going to school because I find almost no joy at school which is a shame, because of all the schools I have been to over the years, i actually enjoy what we do and the teachers are nice. I have no idea why this simple fact is affecting me so much. But I just feel horrible whenever I think about school or the thought of having to go to school. TL;DR: I spent a lot of time with my friends during break, and I'm depressed because I have to go back to school with classmates that are very immature.",Stress +28830,"Fuck you for getting money through your job while doing literally nothing to help your patients. Fuck you for being an absolutely useless bigot. This town is small and i will suggest everyone I know to never, ever go to your damn fucking clinic you dick. ​ Time to get a new doctor and see if I can finally get someone to listen.",Stress +28831,"Some times it feels like my dreams will never go away. I have regular dreams about my ex. Usually a few dreams every week. Sometimes the dreams quiet down and some times they occur every night. He was abusive to the point where he tried to kill me while I was laying in bed one night, and he was very physically abuse every other day.",Stress +28832,"I got a fair amount of interest on Facebook (though og course a lot of people didn’t follow through) one lady (F 40’s or early 50’s) liked my post and sent a friend request. I accepted even though I don’t know her because I thought she might be interested in the team. It turns out she is very well connected in the horse word here and knows a lot of people I know (and seems very popular). Well, fast forward to now and this woman has posted all over about her starting an adult drill team. Her team is within 20 minutes of where my drill team would be, and so all the people who were interested in mine seem to have gone to hers (I think because she’s a connected horse person here).",Normal +28833,"So, to start with I have ptsd from years of emotional/mental/verbal abuse and a few years of physical abuse/sexual assault. I have problems because of this obviously. My soon to be MIL just learned that I have PTSD from my fiancé. In order to keep it to something she’d understand, because when she thinks one thing it’s too hard to change her mind or get her to understand, he changed the story a little before he talked to her as well leaving some stuff out. However, he told her about me having been dating someone when I was sexually assaulted and changed the story to say I went over there while dating someone else and it happened.",Stress +28834,"State I am homeless as of this morning, without mentioning, the title of this post, screen me for services available to veterans. Or maybe I should go to a homeless shelter first (proof of [the lack of] residency). Dad wants me out tomorrow morning. I suppose my original question, is/was, what is the definition for being homeless? The reason for being homeless is not a subject I wish to discuss.",Normal +28835,"Childhood sexual, psychological and religious abuse brought me to this subreddit as well as others. I have found peace and validation in hearing every one of you share/counsel/encourage/love. However today, my abuse is not my pain. I am a career firefighter, and have been for nearly 3 years. Before that I worked in EMS for over 7 years.",Normal +28836,"It was worse than that, I wanted to throw up, not because I found the scars disgusting but because the person I loved so so much, had done that to herself. This is when she told me more about her situation, basically all her issues is beacause of a very unstable family with an alcoholic, mentally abusive and neglective father. Her mom is her best friend in the world, but she too suffers from depression and anorexia. Her parents had a terrible divorce where she got caught in the middle, resulting in her falling deeper into depression and self harm tendencies, as well as her mother becoming very anorexic and depressed, all the while her father was drinking. She felt she couldn't burden her mother with her issues and instead keep it to herself, which she does til today as well.",Stress +28837,"I'm dating her for more than one year now and everything seems fine. She's loving, she's caring and so am I. I know she truly loves me and I also loves her. However, although all of this, some thoughts keep coming at me. I'll try to focus on these problems below in a objective manner. **The I want to see other girls problem**.",Normal +28838,When we are at work we joke around but we all do that. I feel so ashamed. I want to hear your opinion on the fact am i to blame? Was it my fault because something like this happened? **tl;dr**: Something delicate happened between me and my collegue,Stress +28839,"Original post here: Quick update: my abusive ex, who put forward his candidacy for local council, was elected Friday by acclamation - meaning no one came forward to challenge him, so no election will be necessary, and he is automatically the winner. He is flush with victory at the moment. I have decided to come forward anyways, about the emotional and sexual abuse that I experienced during the relationship. I know I may pay a price, for speaking openly in our small community.",Stress +28840,"I'm in desperate need for someone online to just understand and talk to me about it, preferably someone that has recovered from it or someone who knows about the addiction. I dream of becoming a father and loving husband. I dream of reaching my goals in life. I dream of being the happy kid I once was. I don't need advices to different clinics as I live in Sweden.",Stress +28841,"I've been couchsurfing now for 75 days and life is getting harder at this time as money is sinking. Been getting into bad thought loops so I decided to write a blog that allows me to express my sadness through more ""happy"" words. I currently have two posts. [First one was about how I ended up in this situation and describing overall how am I doing and the latest one is about last week and how mentally challenging it was to be sick as a homeless person. ",Stress +28842,"Hey I was wondering if anyone between the ages of 15-18 (I just find it easier to talk to people around my age, I'm 17) would want to join my Reddit chat group for people who are introverted or suck at socializing like me (don't worry if you just want to listen that's fine too) Some things I like Soccer Tv/movies Music",Normal +28843,"I just wanted to share because I'm proud of myself, and there is nothing wrong with that. Night shifts aren't easy for me, and I have had some anxiety on and off, but zi have been able to manage it all on my own. Breathing and mindfulness have been very helpful, a little bit of acceptance and making sure my blood sugar doesn't drop. It hasn't been easy but I'm almost at the finish line. Then I can go home and sleep!",Normal +28844,"Jimmy laughed and chit chatted as if nothing was the matter which was normal for Jimmy even under heavy fire he’d still be nattering in his Scottish accent with a smile under that giant twisty RAF moustache. Jimmy landed his wee plane on the first open veld he spotted. My father instantly fell out of the plane, tuck and rolled ready to run for cover. Jimmy was a bit surprised. “Steady on old chap, I just need a tinkle.”",Normal +28845,"Sports teams, mostly, and some TV shows. He also enjoys a wide range of video games. The problem is that I really, truly don't have anything in common with him. I don't know shit about sports, I'm not really much of a TV-watcher and I'm not a huge gamer at all. I have some favorite shows but none of them are really that similar to those that Jack likes.",Normal +28846,"Don't get me wrong, I know that this drug causes problems with cognition, but I wonder it helps with the cognition symptoms of my anxiety disorder. I quit my antidepressant and my Pregabalin a few weeks ago. I did OK during that time, besides that I have the feeling, that my anxiety worsend (not my depression) and with that my cognition. I have now the plan to focus more on the anxiety with the meds. I also think that Pregabalin is a quiet good drug for that, but I was questioning how it will affect my cognition (because I startet studying) and want to hear your experiences guys.",Normal +28847,"Two years ago we moved to a different city for his work. He earns a lot more than me and his job offers a lot more career progression, so I wanted to support him. I’ve always thought we were a good team, there have been times where he’s struggled financially and I’ve helped him out no question. We talked about the extra money he’d be able to save by walking to work (2 mins away,) and it seemed as though we were on the same page for what we wanted in the future; buy our own place, a car and start a family. So I thought all was on the right track.",Normal +28848,"I can send artwork from my portfolio to those who are interested. Writing samples can also be provided. If you choose, I am fine with receiving a portion of the funds at the beginning of the work, then the rest when everything is completed. PayPal transactions are preferred. Thanks for reading, and have a merry Christmas.",Normal +28849,"His price is even higher than what I was told and he said that's after a discount. I'm a college student and apart from tuition I have food and other things to fund and I thought that by paying this much I'd at least get my money's worth in therapy, but other than telling him about my anxiety and family, and having him tell me I probably have OCD and Anxiety disorder, all I seem to hear is the rates of the therapies and how it would take over a year of dynamic therapy, preferably 2 times a week, at 80$ a session, and that I should be able to commit if I want to continue. The second session he continued with this spending nearly 30 minutes saying I have 3 options, seeing a psychiatrist and taking pills, going to CBT to treat 'only the symptoms' or seeing a dynamic therapist like him for sessions which would take a year at least to see results. What's more, the second the clock ticks 50 minutes he says have a nice day and sort of kicks me out. So I'm supposed to believe this person talking about money on time I pay him money to talk to me about my greatest fears is gonna help me?",Stress +28850,"I'm having a rough time right now and going through some things where my anxiety and depression keep dragging me down. My roommates have not really experienced someone with anxiety before really. At least not someone who gets attacks. During the recovery of one of my episodes, I came up with this writing in the notes of my iPhone. So here it is.",Stress +28851,"I've been trying to remain hopeful that these symptoms won't really start improving until 6-8 weeks like the first time I took it to relieve depression. It doesn't help that after looking up SSRI withdrawal online, I've read reinstating might not work the longer I'm off it and it's recommended to take a very low dose in order to alleviate symptoms. This is leaving me worried since I've stopped for a month and took a higher dosage than I last left off. It doesn't say what happens if I happen to take a high dosage, so I'm worried I'm making things worse by continuing with this high dosage and I have no idea what to do right now. I feel very messed up and I'm scared these withdrawal symptoms will never go away or may become permanent.",Stress +28852,"Hi, Last night, my girlfriend's mom passed away. My girlfriend has anxiety and I want to help her in every way that I can. I had in high school anxiety but never experienced loss, and I want to help my girlfriend in any way that I can. She's 20, in college, and I've been doing everything I can think of but I want to make sure she's okay.",Normal +28853,But the days leading up to the test were the worst. I couldn't sleep 2 nights in a row and had to call in sick to work. I had a near panic attack and was unable to eat much as i felt like throwing up. Before the test my hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I was really not in a state to drive.,Stress +28854,"My sister is an alcoholic as well and also drinks too much, tho not as much as this fellow. I've never been comfortable with the level of her drinking or her personal choices and I live long distance from her. I try to nudge her in more positive directions and in the past 18 months have been offering a few hundred in financial support monthly to her to help her better provide for her kids. About 6 months ago, it came out that her boyfriend has been screaming in her face and laying his hands on her. Usually she beats him up as much or worse - I think it's pure insanity and I told her that she needed to make physical contact a 'red line' and if I heard about it, I would call the local police office and report him.",Normal +28855,"Sorry for the super long post but I don't want to tell my mom all this and most of my friends don't know I feel like this almost all the time. I take my medicine for social anxiety every morning and I go to counseling every few weeks, but I've been to a counselor four or five different times over the years and I'm still the same. I think I might be stuck like this. I honestly doubt anyone read this far but if you did, hello! TL;DR freshman year of high school, I'm super anxious about pretty much everything especially PE and disappointing my family by not coming out on top",Stress +28856," About a month or two ago I saw my doctor about going on an anti anxiety med for general anxiety disorder (GAD) and was put on Lexapro. I've never taken an SSRI before, but I find it has helped me tremendously with my other anxiety symptoms. However, the globus still remains and I'm at my wits here about how to stop this sensation. Has anyone here experienced this? Is there a way to treat this?",Stress +28857,"The vet went ahead and removed it but the cost was over $4000. She has a gofundme to try to raise some bucks to pay for the surgery so I thought I'd post it here to see if anyone could help. Danika is the direct beneficiary and every dime will be going to her directly, not through any middlemen. Here is the gofundme link: Thanks again everyone, any little bit helps.",Normal +28858,"and now it's like he did a complete 180 and decided that I have to do exactly what he wants. I'm sure that he is worried about his children going wild as young adults like he did, which is fair, but frankly, I've always been very responsible with money, drinking, and just about everything else. I've always been told that I'm mature for my age and have never been anything near a problem child. I really don't think there's any cause for him to worry so much about me, and I'm terrified of standing up to him because, frankly, he does stuff like take my phone away or monitor my spending, so I don't feel safe standing up to him. I obviously can't go along with this forever.",Stress +28859,"*Sigh* I fucking bailed on the plan today, to get my suicidal headcase of an ass to a hospital for admittance to a psych ward. My PTSD got triggered when I got in the ambulance, so I fucking jumped out the side door. They chased me down an alley and found me hiding behind a truck. Police got involved, more PTSD triggers, but he was nice and spoke French, which comforted me a little.",Stress +28860,"Once I committed mentally to therapy and knew I could pay for it, and that if me and the therapist didn't click that I would keep trying until someone did, the anxiety just got better, in the weeks leading up to therapy. Once I started and she was so unusually good, I have mentioned it on here before but she really is unusually good, it cemented it. The depression has only been more or less gone six weeks or two months. And I am four days sober. But I am pretty confident the depression is really going, I am working hard and making real practical progress.",Normal +28861,"He argues and makes excuses for not needing sleep, but he's always out of it and then always uses his lack of sleep as an excuse. We work together and our hours are usually 6:00am to 5:00pm. His schedule usually looks like this: Sunday - Sleep till the afternoon waking up at 3:00pm(goes to bed at 5:00am). Monday - Does not get any sleep the follow Sunday night/Monday morning, showing up to work at 6am.",Normal +28862,"They have two children together, Anna and a planned child, Grace. My uncle has 5 other children with 3 other women. Grace is two years old, and I used to watch both Grace and Anna. When Grace was born, my family was careful to give Anna more attention. Anna is extremely, extremely obsessed with her little sister.",Normal +28863,"Then, the issue was that she was too dehydrated for a blood draw and the mental health hospital wouldn't take her without the draw. So, I had to take her home and pump her full of water and food and cross our fingers that she could get a draw in the morning. By morning, the bed had filled. So, the counselor and I took her to the Emergency room to see if they could admit her at the local hospital. There, she absolutely *refused* to have her blood drawn and the ER told me that they were just going to have to discharge her if they couldn't get the tests.",Normal +28864,"Due to daughters older sibling and mother being the type that craves and feeds on enormous emotional attention, I am realizing how she's ended up making herself smaller and downplaying her own problems to not ""add to the burden"". AFAIK there has been no physical abuse, but there has been geographical and emotional abandonment from mother and brother, and probably a feeling of emotional abandonment from myself. She's smart and ambitious, but unfortunately totally lacking in self-confidence and has a habit of choosing away people and situations. I realize that through a life of undiagnosed ADD I've adopted a myriad of ""bad habits"" I will need to address for both mine and our sakes, as well as a ton of structure etc that need to be put in place. In that frame it would be very helpful to start at an end that benefits both of us, or at the very least doesn't exacerbate her PTSD.",Normal +28865,"He admitted to me that night that yes, she needs mental assistance. But after spending the morning with her, he thinks that it's better to have me in the house at all. This situation was over the top and heartbreaking that my parents would rather not work with a therapist (i've even suggest family therapy) and just decide to ban me from the house. I understand that isolating myself from them is the best option and I know it will be hard. But I do love my family, and I would rather not have to make this decision.",Normal +28866,"For a while now I honestly feel like my brain just broke. I am so embarrassed. I used to be really quick at replying to stuff, really good at video games (I would play competitively!! ), The world was easy to navigate... Now it feels like someone beat me with a rock in the head and I never recovered from the concussion. Everything seems so... Fast.",Stress +28867,"In order to make a case for its commercialization, we have to do a strong market validation research and costumer insight so we decided to create a survey asking parents what are they looking for in a wearable device for their bundle of joy. Here's the link: You will also enter for a chance to win an Amazon Gift card! Thanks! **SURVEY HAS BEEN EDITED FOR BETTER EXPERIENCE**",Normal +28868,"He's not seeing a therapist or psych regularly, which we agreed that he needed to be doing if he was going off his meds. I'm just at this weird point with myself where I'm holding back this resentment and anger at him for not taking care of himself, even after I've explained to him how much it stresses me out and hurts me when he is not consistent with his self care and/or medication. Though things are as normal as they can be right now, I find myself getting angry when he asks me to promise to do specific things for him, like do my laundry (I'm a bit of a mess), because it just reminds me of how he wouldn't keep that promise yet he expects me to do things for him (even though they are rational requests I should take care of anyway). Well it still ended up being long, my apologies! What should I even do from here?",Stress +28869,"Example 2. There was this life goal we had together and I happened to accomplish it much quicker than she did, but instead of being happy for me she would get super jealous and make me feel like shit for it. Even though I helped her in every possible way to accomplish that goal too. Example 3. Whenever she sees that I'm upset about something, she'd buy gifts, tell me that she has something planned for us (which later would turn out to be a lie) etc.",Stress +28870,"I dont know what to make of him telling me I only care about being right. Some part of it might be specific to the dynamics of a philosophy club. Whenever he proposes something in club I am usually the first person to contradict him, but this is (I think) expected in this context and he usually seems to enjoy it. Someone else in club told me before that my friend felt threatened by me intellectually and inferred that he might resent me for it. My friend is older and much smarter than me so the only explanation I can think of is that he talked to me about the stuff he was studying so much that I started catching up to him on content knowledge and he didnt like that?",Normal +28871,"In my mind I am in control of this, I don’t feel I ‘have’ to try. I can get away. It’s like I’m using drugs to escape but I’m not on drugs I’m just dissociating to a place I want to be. I feel that if I was forced to be in reality I’d be just as angry and terrified as a drug addict in rehab. I don’t know what to do.",Stress +28872,"Bust the stigma, don't whine but be frank, if you know or someone else that is struggling help the best you can, constantly let others know that yes they will not drown, there is a boat, and it fits way more than one person. The reality is the more you own and verbalize things, the more control you have over it and the less over you. Bottom line is busting the stigma, no one should feel like they are alone. So does my short little list work for everyone, totally not but I think it is a good reminder for people like myself..and hopefully someone else can take something away from it. If anything it's just got for me to verbalize it all out once in awhile.",Normal +28873,"I’m in Florida, can’t find concrete laws that apartment companies will let me off lease because of abuse. As in me getting my name off lease and him staying here. My fiancé is mentally and emotionally abusive. We have had some physical altercations, like him pushing me down, poking me hard in the chest, him ripping off his shirt and than hitting me with it. He’s also broken a few pairs of glasses, a remote control, smashed the hell out of his iPhone, and threw a chair across the room almost hitting his dog.",Stress +28874,"So I'm currently a college student and while I realized I'm blessed/fortunate beyond what I really deserve I don't always have something I can give; but I always have a smile and a human interaction. So would even just a smile and a friendly hello as I walk by be at all useful or would that make things more awkward for both parties? I'm sure I could muster the courage to say a friendly hello as I pass on the street. Mods, I'm sorry if this is not allowed but I wanted to ask now before the feelings/memory went away. Edit: Here is the post (I couldn't get hyperlinking to work) ",Normal +28875,"But sometimes I feel bad that he has to see me freak out, or the flashbacks. When I black out. I feel bad. That's why I'm gonna do it. i'm gonna get better.",Normal +28876,So he hasn't really hit me since we got back together but he's cruel in so many other ways. He will call met fat ass (I'm 5ft8 and 130 pounds) and just had our third child. He tells me I'm ugly and a dumb b****h and tells me I can't do anything right. He constantly calls me a whore. He tells me a whore for not kiwearing a bra in our house.,Stress +28877,"I purchased her a mani/pedi off groupon for some birthday pampering. Now, I'm trying to find discounted broadway tickets (I have the tkts and ticket lottery apps), museum passes, unused CityPasses, gift cards to eateries, literally anything that I can share with her in an effort to get her mind off all that she's going through. Info about her: she's a retired secretary who loves musicals and living a healthy lifestyle. She spends all her time now volunteering at local addiction rehabilitation centers and at homeless shelters in an effort to give back to the individuals who helped out so much with my brother. She loves elephants, wine, and discount shopping.",Normal +28878,"That's the kind of mother who says that. My mom thinks because she donates some clothes and food to a church that she's some holy fucking roller and holier than thou. Every conversation involves me going to hell or me needing to accept her beliefs. I got to the point where I told her and my dad that the absolute only way I would ever speak to her again was if she just dropped her evangelism. I told her I wanted a mother, not a preacher.",Normal +28879,"It's horrible. The thing is, my urologist told me that it was just an overactive bladder and gave me some medicine, but it just worked a couple of days when I was ""totally positive"" about the medicine. Even, after taking the pills I felt great, like in a normal state, but the symptoms are here again. Is it possible that the cause could be my sometimes uncontrollable anxiety? Have someone had the same problem?",Stress +28880,"My wife got in a very bad car accident a year ago and is lucky to be alive today. She is unable to work so it is just me working. Which is fine because we have an autistic daughter who is beautiful, full of joy, and a handful. However finances are always tight. I mturk after work and do various surveys to make more.",Normal +28881,"That night wasn’t so great for me as I felt ignored because both of the guys (my bf and the mutual friend) were mostly having conversations with her, leaving me to trail behind. I thought maybe it’s because we were “hosting” her and because she’s on the opposite side of the spectrum compared to us - as in, she’s into things and engages in those things we’re not necessarily into, but are interested in and could hold a conversation about. Anyway, over the course of our relationship my bf would still bring Sally up occasionally, how they were going to hang out with other coworkers. Of course, I’m totally okay with that and I encourage him to be social when he can! I’ve met all of his friends and I always enjoy myself around them - except you know who, enter Sally *rolls eyes*.",Normal +28882,"I debated for ten minutes what I should do. I didn't want to open the message completely and violate her trust that far, so I woke her up (which was a big decision because she loves sleep and has two tests today - I know I'm an asshole but she understands and doesn't want me going crazy while she sleeps), and yeah. That was that. She told the guy she was in a relationship (who doesn't check relationship status on Facebook ffs? ), and thanked him for creating a shitstorm.",Normal +28883,"The VTN is inspirational and amazing in their work, focus, honest dedication towards the health of our veterans in Canada. This is their resource page. If you are a Canadian Veteran (or Mountie) you could get on one of their programs, please contact them or Brian (or me and I can get you in touch with those who can connect you).   PHARMA THERAPY",Normal +28884,"I was physically and sexually abused by my mom as a kid. She would pull my pants down and fondle my genitals from the time I was a child up until I moved out for college. This is something where I know it happened, and I can remember time after time how it had happened. About a month ago, though, I had a really vivid and visceral nightmare about a form of sexual abuse that I can't place in a timeline like I can with the other types of abuse. In this nightmare, my mom and I are naked in bed and she is touching me, until I get so scared that I push her away and fall out of the bed.",Stress +28885,Today was a really bad day. I had no energy and I cried and I thought about suicide all day. I'm afraid things will never change for me. I'm not strong enough to change things for myself and I have no help. What can I do?,Stress +28886,What should i say? **tl;dr friend is struggling with alcoholism and bulimia. She's back in town and wants to hang out and eat and drink. How do I tell her that I will no longer participate in these activities with Her? **,Normal +28887,"During my service I got suddenly rowdy and would fight a lot with marines and civilians that resulted in many nights in jail. I have been to captains mast twice (Inciting a riot, breach of peace, destruction of government property). Today I sometimes I call in sick because I have pauses I call them where I can’t seem to be too far from home or I get a sudden feeling of not being safe or keep my family safe. I have a million excuses why I cannot do something or go somewhere. I can’t fly, I can’t sit in the center of a crowd I must be by the door and there has to be more than one door.",Stress +28888,"There aren't a lot of people in my life I can talk to. I did have a therapist who I clicked with really well, but I had to stop seeing him when my work comp case closed. I just started seeing a new one but haven't gotten to the point where I really feel I can rely on her yet, as I've only seen her a couple of times. The crisis lines have been very unhelpful. I just need some support.",Stress +28889,"Hi /r/relationships, I'm hoping you can give me some perspective. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. I am so sorry at how long this is, but I needed to vent and hopefully one or two kind people will be able to help me process this. I want to provide some background from my side of these events. For the last year, I've been in a high-profile, high-stress management position with my company.",Stress +28890,"He constantly threaten to take our son and I’ll never see him again. Last night, I started a journal less about the abuse and more about my feelings on a day to day basis. This morning he hide my meds from me, after an hour I woke him and asked where they were. He cussed me out and told me he not to talk to him until 1pm. Last night, he forced me into our son’s room and as I was trying to escape he slapped my wrist in the door.",Stress +28891,"My son was septic with respiratory distress for 5 hours (my husband and i didn't know at the time), and the medical staff was too incompetent to realize. The ambulance staff was even worse. My son almost died in the beat-up ambulance as well. It was horrible. We finally got to a bigger hospital where he was on antibiotics for nearly a month.",Stress +28892,"*Major trigger warning* I find comfort in confined spaces, and can spend prolonged time in confined spaces verycomfortably. This is odd to most people, but I’ll explain why. When I was with my parents, they were super abusive. They forced me to watch animals die, and frequently changed around my room so I wasn’t familiar with it. They forcefully put splinters in my feet, allowed men to sexually assault me, and they even pepper sprayed me a couple times as a 2 year old.",Stress +28893,"But i think the worst part is her emotional abuse. Like having fun to make me scared or cry and also always putting me down like i am not good enough or ignoring me. Also i feel like she is sexually attracted to me (i am 17 now) and uses some shitty pretending to touch me between my legs or butt. I once tried to talk with my dad about it, but he said that he and mom have enough to do and i should pull myself together. I feel like i really have to seek help, but i am so scared that people wont take me serious and think i am exaggerating.",Stress +28894,"We have tried all section 8 facilities in the north texas area and all have told us theres a 7-10 year waiting list. I understand theres vouchers and low income housing programs too, but was also informed these low income houses still require proof of an income to be sure that the tenant can pay rent and CS doesnt count as that income. I’m looking for any loopholes in the system or any programs in place that could help with this, if anyone has any information or insight that would be truly appreciated. Thanks Reddit! !",Normal +28895,I heard from a mutual friend that she got engaged and I’m truly happy for her and would like to wish her congratulations. I don’t need forgiveness I would just like to move on I guess? Is it is selfish of me to apologize to her and say congrats or just wish her congrats? should I just let it go and learn from my immaturity? Additional info: my sister was also her BFF and after I ghosted her they had a huge dramatic falling out after my sister tried to keep the peace.,Normal +28896,"Have any of you requested accommodations through your university, and if so, would you be willing to share what's helped/hasn't helped? Thanks! Edit: Thank you SO MUCH to those who have responded! Are there any specific accommodations you asked for that were beneficial? (For instance, for my day job I work in classrooms with kids that have ADHD.",Normal +28897,Everything about my existence was a burden to her. I wasn't exposed to one huge trauma. I was little traumas over a long period of time. I know feel very unsafe all the time and scare. I'm constantly afraid of I don't know what.,Stress +28898,"Please help if you can - donations of any amount are appreciated and can make the difference of his family keeping their home. Or please consider sharing this post on your facebook pages, twitter or elsewhere. Please say a prayer on their behalf and be thankful for your own good health - Thank you and God bless you all His gofundme account number is ",Normal +28899,"I am 22 years old and a newly wedded wife of 5+ months. I married my husband after waiting for the right guy my whole life. I waited my whole life because men scared me. I grew up believing all men were like my abuser, my dad, who abused me for the majority of my 22 years. Throughout my engagement, after I made it clear I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle, I was met with questions of ""why?""",Normal +28900,"Every day I'd tell myself I was over this girl but I'd see her at school and instantly be reminded of how much I liked her. Every time I saw her I almost wanted to cry. Throughout the year I kept trying to ""win her back"" by forcing intimacy by telling her things about my past I'd never told anyone (never told her about being raped though). This just made her think I was weird. On the first day of summer I noticed she'd blocked me on all forms of social media and I no longer had a way to talk to her.",Stress +28901,I especially appreciate stories of similar experiences and such. I hope everyone's have a nice day. TL;DR: I ended up with anxiety due to relationship and health anxiety and now I can't stop thinking about how I might some terminal illness (cancer) just because I feel some weird tingling or pain in an area I didn't before. Or even a cough can freak me out a little. If you also/used to suffer from this how do/did you deal with it?,Stress +28902,"Want to get my MacBook sorted and need to update my travel card for the rest of the term. This will save me so much time in the mornings and evenings and will also help me work from home without needing to use a local library or travel to my campus. I’m a University Student and will be able to repay via my 2nd student finance instalment of 1,100 on the 8th of January, which would help repay with 30% Interest. Which I think is the highest i'd be comfortable paying. Also have a part time job however repayment would essentially be made with my January Student Finance Instalment, which would be more than enough.",Normal +28903,"So now I'm here not knowing what to do. I don't want to call the cops because I don't want my mom to get in any trouble for her gambling habits. So I need some advice for what to do incase something like this ever happens again. **tl;dr**: My mom cuts her boyfriend because he grabbed her by the throat and I don't know what to do. **UPDATE**: After this incident with her boyfriend, my mom wants to move out of the house.",Stress +28904,"People who've been my ""friends"" for a decade stopped talking to me or inviting me to anything after my break-up. A guy who I've been making plans to see for two months on a weekly basis just cancelled, again (we haven't gotten together at all). Another person I was trying to date bailed because of something I can't control. I'm not worth these people's time. My boss scares the daylights out if me (stern Russian lady who expersses herself horribly).",Stress +28905,Every rational part of me believes I'm retroactively terrified of the fact I almost didn't get to live the life I'm living now. I wish I wouldn't think about it. But I just keep doing it. It's like I get some sick thrill out of the fear and anxiety like it's a horror movie or rollercoaster. I know I shouldn't be feeling that way about it but I am and I don't know why or how to stop it.,Stress +28906,"We will get through this and I am determined, even it means going to a shelter, to get affordable housing, so i never end up in this situation again! Ive been financially abused in small ways for almost a year, paying more than my share, while he saved. Being forced into buying a computer we couldnt afford then had it thrown at me every fight due to credit card he continuously used (kept under 1k) I also was forced to be precise on where i put things especially when cleaning as to not disrupt him. He hid snacks and 420 from me when I did most of the purchasing.",Stress +28907,"I don't think it would be different in another relationship, and I think both of us accept that we have sexual hangups. But I always wonder if I would be more sexually passionate in a different relationship. --- **tl;dr**: Do men just inherently look at the greener grass, or does a good relationship make you feel settled and satisfied? And please don't say ""open relationship"" as the answer...",Normal +28908,"I've been homeless for a couple days since my roommate completely screwed me by not paying rent for 5 months and hid notices from me. I only had a week to move out, and get things into storage. I was able to find a roof to sleep under for a short time but it's severely roach infested and I have to sleep on the floor. There isn't anything availible at my price range, certainly not on that short of a notice. I had a few prospects but they went to other people.",Stress +28909,My therapist told me to do some free writes about my anxiety and OCD thoughts (being afraid of panic attacks and fear I will act on violent thoughts) and in the book Imp Of The Mind the author talks about writing out thoughts. I just don't know how to set it up. Do you write as if the thought came true? Do you just write the thought is there and why it isn't true? Anyone do anything like this?,Stress +28910,"I was left to hold the burden of explaining to other people why he wasn't talking to them, or why he said something hurtful. I was okay with that. But I told him on many, many, very blunt occassions, 'I am not okay with just sucking your dick. I feel like you aren't putting in the effort with me and I feel sick and uncomfortable doing this.' I said this in a variety of forms as well as having panic attacks - not anxiety attacks, full-on violent shivering, mute shut-down, crying, overstimulated, feeling like you're about to die panic attacks - most of the times when we were intimate.",Stress +28911,It's only happened twice and only happens when he drinks. I love him dearly and want to help/support him. He cries and says he's sorry and admits that he is aggressive when he drinks. I'm so heartbroken I don't know what to do? Is this even considered domestic abuse/violence?,Stress +28912,I tried some cheese and some had pretty intense flavors and being an highly sensitive person this i think caused some stress. We stood for about an hour when i felt this dropping feeling in my stomach. I knew this was a sign to get some food and sit down but my dad was very happy checking out cheeses so i risked just waiting and chilling out. Then my whole body felt that dropping sensation and my hearing started going. I started getting warm and it felt like pin needles on my body.,Stress +28913,"I want to know about your story, how you got there, struggles you never realized you would face (as well as how you dealt with the ones you already expected), how you got out of it (if you did). Anything and everything you think might be relevant for me to look into. You do not HAVE to be a singer/musician to reply. Every story is worth listening to for me. If you're in NYC and can meet in person, that would be amazing as well.",Normal +28914,"OK, so as the title says my sister has been trying to set me up with her friend for a couple of months now. Up til recently I refused to even entertain the idea because she is slightly over a full decade younger than me. My sister thinks I'm being stupid letting the age difference make my mind up for me, to the point where we had a huge fight at Christmas about it but I refused to budge. Recently however she's been bringing her friend around a lot (me, my sister, and her husband all get along really well so we hang out at least 2 or 3 weekends a month usually) and as I get to know this girl I am realizing why my sister has been so adamant about it. It's almost eerie how much we have in common.",Normal +28915,He's in a group of people. The problem is that because of what happened to me (police brutality/stalking) the general public think the police are the good guys and are not understanding when I give them explain that's not always the case. My doctor was almost treating my fear of police as a phobia instead of what it truly is... PTSD! This is my first post here. I appreciate any insight or experience y'all may have with seeking treatment.,Stress +28916,"This is my first post here, and I wanted to contribute something that has helped me with dealing with my anxiety recently. Maybe it will help you, too. [Success and Failure Don't Change Who You In short, a success or failure does not define who YOU are. You are still the same person that you were before you were faced with whatever adversity came your way, and win or lose, you are that same person in the end.",Normal +28917,"I have been abused mentally and physically by my step-father when being only 7 and it didn't stop until 12 when I moved to Britain and lived there to this day (17 yr now). Everyday I was told how worthless I was and was getting beat regularly. However I coped with it. At the start when I came to England, I was crying all the time, when I was called stupid, and idiot or was hit by a friend (A kind of a friendly abuse, you know when you just want to annoy your friends). Everyone thought I was just a crybaby, not knowing of my past.",Stress +28918,"I don’t know if anxiety/depression have anything to do with memory performance, but I’ve noticed that I remember a lot less compared to when I wasn’t in a depressed and anxious state. For hours on end I contemplate and procrastinate everyday about my depressing life. It’s just sad. Anything I can do to cope with this? Could I get an accommodation from my school for this?",Stress +28919,"? To me is heartbreaking to know that the most I can achieve is to keep defending myself, but not getting to be loved, accepted and cared. I know that somatic therapies may somehow help me to develop discernment, but that is not what i'm looking for. i'm looking for ways to attract healthy people. Please no victim-blaminish phrases like the ""love yourself first"" motto, (I already love myself wildly hard) please no tough love.",Stress +28920,"I get peace of mind, moments of clarity and complete happiness for like 1 minute a few times a day, I feel like I can conquer the world, then my head gets heavy and foggy again and I start thinking hard about everything. My head gets heavier and my mind goes off more when I’m alone and not doing anything. Watching TV and YouTube helps. Then after I’m done with TV/YouTube, I can feel my mind getting heavy and full again. If you have read this far, THANK YOU.",Normal +28921,"Hi everyone, and thank you in advance for reading. I moved my family from Texas to Colorado thinking I had a new job lined up on the other side - this job fell through. Fortunately I have a new job starting January 23rd, but I don't have enough in savings to carry me through. We are running very low on necessities like bread and milk. I am unable to go to the local food banks because I still only have a Texas DL, I can't afford to transfer my license or vehicle registration.",Stress +28922,"Wanted to celebrate with my friends, but I know the story would worry them more than anything else, and I'm really excited. I punched a guy for trying to not use a condom! I was sexually abused as a teen, and since then advocating for myself -especially in sexual situations- is really difficult for me. But today I had a guy come over and, when he tried getting off without using a condom **even though he agreed to use one not five minutes before,** I punched him several times off my bed and then a few times more while he was standing up (he's almost double my weight). I yelled at him for a bit and he shoved me down before he left, but within a minute of me reacting he was already putting on his shorts and on his way out.",Normal +28923,"Hourly employees start arriving at 4am and then myself and the other managers will delegate the days plan to the employees. We are typically very understaffed to be able to work in new items, recover the floor and excute the GM’s planned item moves for the day, so after we delegate the managers become stockers and work alongside the hourly employees to get done. I don’t mind physical labor and hard work, it’s actually my favorite part of my job, but it’s hard to run an operation as large as restocking and remerchandising a 200,000 sq ft facility while you are stuck stocking. The store opens at 9:30 am at which point I will try to start my administrative tasks, but just like in the morning the building is usually understaffed so it’s more common than not for me to be either cashiering for several hours, or helping out in the deli and/or bakery. Some days I’m lucky enough to get a lot of time in the office to complete my daily tasks, but most days I do not.",Stress +28924,"It stuck with me. It made me realize I wasn't as happy as I thought. After that my confusion took over. I drank, got high, made friends. I knew I was a mess but was working on it.",Stress +28925,"Telling me I wasn't pretty enough, my boobs weren't large enough, I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't a good girlfriend to him, I wasn't making him happy. He told me he didn't feel loved unless I was having sex with him, and only then did he feel happy. He would threaten constantly to leave, and oftentimes did as a power grab when I got ""out of hand"", and then would make me beg for him back. I felt so unsure of myself. I wasn't enough, and that's why he was leaving.",Stress +28926,"Though we both had crushes on each other we weren't sure if the feelings were reciprocated. She also has some self esteem issues and told me that she wasn't ready to date someone like me three years ago when we first met, because I was ""too intimidating"", but instead ""settled"" for her ex. She dated that ex for two years, but never seemed that interested in him. She would complain about feeling like a caregiver for him (he was seriously depressed to the point where she had to make doctor appointments for him) and always talked about wanting to be with someone who was more independent and had their life together. As her friend I remember her saying she felt like he was good for her at the moment, but that she knew it wouldn't last forever (side note: she was open about her feelings with him, and he agreed to just enjoy things in the moment, though I'm sure he was secretly hopeful she would change her mind).",Normal +28927,"Earlier that day I was talking to a customer, a male who later asked for my number. I was very flattered as this man was absolutely gorgeous and had muscles that must have been sculpted by Kratos himself, but alas, I wasn’t able to give it as it was company policy. Little did I know that Pedo had been watching me from behind a clothing rack, and soon pulled me aside in front of all my coworkers in my retail section and spoke so sternly to me, he said “this is why your life is so messed up, this is why everyone here thinks you’re so easy.” And he stormed away from me. He later radioed to me telling me to sell the cards, and after I got to 15 cards to re fold everything in the women’s section. He later texted me telling me he expected me to be at the movies that night, as to not let down the team.",Normal +28928,"Later that night someone snuck into the building we were sleeping in and killed Daniel.. he was chopped up with what I presume was a hatchet. I don't know why they spared me or Jay to this fucking day but I'd gladly take Daniel's place, he was the sweetest boy I ever knew. We were heartbroken and I vowed that I would find the bastard and get revenge for Daniel. I'm crying as I am typing this part because this is what fucked me up the most. Chapter seven: adopted",Stress +28929,"After unsuccessfully looking for a girlfriend on dating sites and personals, I made a simple post on CL looking for a friend that basically said that my life was too much of a mess for me to really date, but I'm trying to be more social, etc. I was upfront with the fact that I have PTSD and am getting help. I was expecting mostly spam messages from bots, etc... surprisingly like 90% replies were just mostly people telling me to grow up without even knowing what my life is like or what I've gone through. The other 10% were adult babysitters and spam. This is kind of what lead to my isolation in the first place.",Stress +28930,She's sworn at me at times. **tl;dr**: Girlfriend cheated on me twice. Is always adamant about keeping contact with the people she cheated with. The relationship is at its wits end. p.s.,Stress +28931,"Old Man Gotama told his followers 2,500 years ago that those who are hurt are *burning* with self-pity, terror or revenge. Fast forward to about 75 years ago: Old men in universities told *their* followers that everything we do is the result of what we think and feel. By 1965 or so, Albert Ellis was using his grasp of that to dismantle the *thoughts* that kept us imprisoned in... self-pity, terror and revenge. A whole new way of psychotherapy came into being. It was called ""cognitivism.""",Normal +28932,"So, for a few years now I've been in a relationship with this girl who very likely has PTSD, given her upbringing. She has trust issues after suffering abuse from her birth parents at a young age, and her situation is only complicated further with bipolar depression and fetal-alcohol syndrome. She's in good hands now, living with her aunt, and is becoming independent with a job. Though I've noticed throughout our relationship that she has a tendency to push me away l, whereas I am the exact opposite, though I understand her situation; it's not her fault. She says she loves me, and I love her, but she doesn't seem comfortable showing any affection; holding hands, hugging, and kisses on the cheek are extremely rare from her.",Normal +28933,"(NSFW) I have really bad PTSD induced anxiety due to rape situations and being a victim to dozens of emotionally abusive relationships, and I am engaged to a HVAC service technician. One day he was going to do a check up on a furnace, he called before hand and he even gave notice the day before, and I was at school at the time so I didn't see the message till a little later. He walked into the house because the door was unlocked (because some people leave their door unlocked if they're downstairs or something) and he walked into the kitchen and it was a crack house, immediately he had a gun pointed at him and he froze for a second and ran back to his van, the guy shot half a dozen times and hit the rear view mirror, he almost got shot so many times while running to the van, and when I saw this I was hysterically sobbing in the middle of the school hall and when I got home I got to my mom and kept screaming ""he almost died he almost died"" and my mom thought I said he died because I could barely breathe, he seems to be over it now but every time he is a little late coming home from work or hasn't replied in awhile I get so scared hes dead and late at night I can't sleep because I'm scared this is the last day I'll have with him. I don't know what to do.",Stress +28934,"Last week I posted about having to travel to Melbourne with my Sister who is a really nasty person, well it ended up being exactly what I feared, she was just plain nasty to me the entire 3 days. From the moment we arrived at out rented apartment, she would just do nothing but complain about me, saying that I'm so ""over dramatic"" and that ""I'm just anxious for attention"".......I mean really? I never wanted to be like this, and she has the way of making me feel like I'm a bad and worthless person. Now I will admit she has issues of her own, she has been pregnant so I can excuse her for that, but she has been like this for a few years now, I remember how I was anxious about my elbow swelling up and she said it was ""nothing"" and it turned out to be cellulitis. Ever since I came back from Melbourne, I've just been overthinking things, and when I do, it flares the anxiety right up.",Stress +28935,"I saved picture after picture of him, had tweet and Instagram notifications on, tracked where his live band was, even looked up his house on Zillow once. I know I sound like a total stalker but I was just really obsessed and I regret everything I did now that I'm older and wiser. Anyway, when I was 16 I started writing fanfiction about him based on the very imaginative music videos he had starred in for his songs. It wasn't about him specifically, but rather alternate universe versions of him. I ended up doing this very bizarre thing where I romantically paired up two alternate reality versions of himself (long story, but basically I crave the gay).",Normal +28936,"I’m just really scared about this entire situation and feel conflicted about what to do. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened as my dad has previous jail records and he’s threatened our family before and even hit us when we were smaller. I just feel really scared and really confused about everything and can’t believe it’s come to this. My mom doesn’t want us to do anything because she lives in fear and is hoping to wait until I graduate (I’m in 11th grade so we would have to wait a year and we really can’t/shouldn’t) so she can divorce him, she only wants to wait because she can’t support us by herself. If we do move I would be fine with getting a full-time job to support my family, I’m already a private tutor but I only do 1-hr a week for $20.",Stress +28937,"He abused his ex girlfriends as well. I left him last June, after he tried to kill me after being released from a one week sentence for DV. That incident landed me in the hospital, though it wasn't the worst incident of abuse. But that night, I had a wave of courage for two seconds and told the staff what really happened. He was arrested and has been in jail ever since.",Normal +28938,#NAME?,Stress +28939,"I'm going to keep this story short. I'm (16M) openly gay, he (16M) isn't. We've been friends and somewhat more for 5 months. He hates affection and being touched, but he constantly flirts with me, touches me, wants me to massage his ""sore"" back, wants me to sleep beside him, he cuddles me in his ""sleep""(which he has now revealed to be a fake slumber), and he always asks me about being gay and he truly is trying to understand it. Even if anything really happened between us, I wouldn't be getting a fulfilling relationship.",Normal +28940,"If this is all I'm going to experience side-effect wise, then I regret not starting earlier. I really hope this will help with the anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. What are your experiences with antidepressants? Does it get worse? I just can't wait to start actually feeling like myself again.",Normal +28941,"He knows I can't work because of my anxiety problems and he knows I rely on him. He's told me before no one else will take care of me like he does, no one else will put up with me. I'm scared to go back because I don't want to get back together with him and I know if he wants to we will. The reason I went to my grandma's house is because a couple days before I left he got drunk. He started saying horrible things to me.",Stress +28942,"My mother on the other hand tells me that she is doing all she can, when i explained to her about the way she dresses in front of him she blames him for not creating the opportunity to wear something nice. ie not going out someplace due to him preferring to do work. Listening to both sides separately have put me in a place where i am helpless and cannot do anything. All i can do is withdraw into myself and think about other things to relieve myself. Its basically that they dont understand each other.",Stress +28943,I'm not polyamorous at all and he never mentioned being bisexual to me. I didn't know what to say. I kinda went into blank smile mode while inside I was getting sick with jealousy. He never asked if this was okay for him to do this. So I considered it cheating.,Stress +28944,"This post was originally posted to letsnotmeet but was removed and i was told to post here so here it is. So about two years ago i did a photoshoot with a guy who used to work for my family. When he came to do the shoot he brought this dude with him that i didnt know, ill call him dave for this story. Dave seemed pretty normal. He introduced him self to me told me he was a homosexual, not that it was any if my buisness but whatever.",Normal +28945,"I loved her and I was completely broken. In July of 2016 I went out to a gaming hall/bar that my friend's family owns. I remember pushing on the doors to start making my way back home and then waking up in the hospital. I was told that I had suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI), facial fractures, a ruptured right ear drum and a cerebrospinal fluid leak. I spent one week in the hospital before I discharged myself against medical advice.",Stress +28946,"Hi! This is my first time posting on reddit, and I was just looking for some advice. So to give some background... I live in a block of flats (in Coventry), and we have a communal area with a bin shed and our personal sheds. I was taking my rubbish out this morning, with my dog, and he was really interested in my shed, do I opened it for him to sniff (it was broken into earlier in the year, and the lock has been broken since).",Normal +28947,"Back to my dad, during lunch he wanted to say some words to my GF, to encourage her to keep studying the doctorate, he said that if she felt that money was an issue, that don't let her that take her down, that doctorates in our country earn very poorly but that getting that degree would open doors to work abroad and land a job she would love. You see, my dad didn't know (well, I've told him plenty of times, but I figured he forgot at the time) that my GF's mom was a doctorate. My GF's mom openly told in front of my that she didn't earn enough for the years of study and work she did, everybody in our country knows that doctorates don't earn enough money for the effort, capacity and dedication they're required to do/have. But when my dad said those words, nobody said anything. I didn't take it as offensive.",Normal +28948,"She wants to do anything she can do to help me, but it's up to the state, not her, to charge me. I have, and documented once I got out of jail, a puncture bite on my right hand, a puncture bite on my left inner elbow, deep scratches all over my left arm, The skin on my scrotum was torn (the jail underwear they gave me was soaked at the end of the day) my lip busted open, a chipped tooth, my whole right side of my face red and sore from a dozen punches, and a welt on my left leg from her kicking me. Now I'm being charged with 4th degree DV and need legal counsel to prove my innocence. I have no money to hire anyone and am still in shock that I just had to spend 17 hours in jail without given any medical aid in a small cell with 7 other inmates. I have no criminal record whatsoever until now.",Stress +28949,"The current study explores the experience of young adults aged 18 - 40 years who have previously been in foster care or had involvement with the Department of Child Safety/Protection and remained with their biological family. If you have a spare 10 - 25 minutes and are willing to participate it would be greatly appreciated. Please click on the link below for more information around how the process works and how your confidentiality will be protected. Thank you kindly for your assistance, as your experience will be valuable in guiding research and clinical interventions for those in the foster care system. ",Normal +28950,"Now its personal so it hurts a lot more. There are nightmares where I am murdered, those don't hurt half as much as these. I woke up a few nights ago screaming because of it and I cried like an idiot until I realized it wasn't real. Figured I'd rant here instead of breaking my hands on my heavy bag. You guys ever get extremely worried about your partners safety to the point where it triggers you?",Stress +28951,"But I’ve also had a lot of pain and it seems to be getting worse. It didn’t use to last as long as it does now, I’ve been lying in pain for hours. Nothing helps I’ve taken painkillers and they haven’t helped at all.. Should I mention this to a doctor? ?",Stress +28952,"Is anyone else consumed by morbid curiosity? I'm constantly on /r/watchpeopledie, /r/morbidreality, /r/accidentalsuicide, as well as sites like death addict, best gore, documenting reality, etc. And - this is concern for myself, not bragging - I'm not ""phased"" by any of it. I don't savour these atrocities, but I feel like I must keep consuming them. Hardly anything fascinates me more.",Normal +28953,"* Trigger warning. The past two weeks I have been recovering from life saving surgery and because of the physical consequences I have had four panic attacks in two weeks. Today I had my fourth one. My original trauma is not related to the hospital, but to rape. But now any time a nurse needs to do something I associate with pain or something else because of the past trauma my brain gets triggered into a panic attack.",Stress +28954,"I know I want to be treated like a human being, and it's very easy for others to say ""YOU NEED TO QUIT YOUR JOB ASAP. Stand up for yourself!"" But it's like leaving a bad relationship...so full of uncertainty and tension. Please help. I'm clinging onto the last bit of hope I have.",Stress +28955,"We lived together so I spent the whole day yesterday packing up my things and crying. I’m heartbroken but knowing he’s unfaithful makes it easier for me to move on because it’s his fault. Not mine. I don’t know if something I did drove him to find someone else but I know I didn’t deserve to get cheated on. Anyways, he doesn’t know that I found out and I’m planning to simply move out without a trace.",Stress +28956,Wtf is wrong with this society? ! I’m pissed. I’m angry. My abuser is a well known coach who has lost his job over our court cases.,Stress +28957,"I’m very frustrated by this and don’t know what to trust. On the one hand, these dreams could very well be pointing to reality. On the other, they could simply be playing out fears I had. And I just don’t know which. What do I trust?",Stress +28958,"Because not really. I would have survived, I always have before, I have gone three and four days without eating a single thing on dozens of occasions in the last fifteen years, and I will be fine. The guy is wonderful, and has helped me a great deal. But it felt like an intentional attempt to act like I am a burdensome charity case. I just don't know.",Normal +28959,"I've started having flashbacks, tearfulness, intrusive thoughts and flashbacks again. I've been having a rough time lately. Something that helps me during these times is to find a small space or bathroom to hide in for a while or to reach out to partners of friends. Today feels really hard and even though I want to run away I know I can't. How're you all doing?",Stress +28960,"It’s Open Enrollment, most government systems in the US are poorly managed so most go without full knowledge what they’re signing up for, and the pressure of management can be intense to reach certain “metrics.” I enjoy the money but the politics of it all be disconcerting. It’s not at all what I want to do with my life. I’ve been in and out of doctors appointments for my thyroid goiter. My mom said my great grandfather had the same thing and it causes anxiety. But most of it stems from my verbally abusive, alcoholic dad and being raped twice in my life.",Stress +28961,"I’m not opposed to offering money, but once in college someone got a weird/a little sketchy when I stopped buying him monthly bus. Help! I’d appreciate any answers. Sorry if any of my comments are uninformed or unintentionally offensive. I’m sincerely asking advice for how you think I could temporarily help him.",Normal +28962,I gave him a week to get all his bills together so we could go over everything and see where he could cut back. He didn’t do it. He just came over with his monthly expenses scribbled down on a piece of paper. My wife also took the time to get him a list of low income apartments in the area. We told him to call around and see if there was anything available or to at least try and get on a few waiting list.,Normal +28963,"Havnt had one in years. After it was done i couldnt stop thinking about what if it was actually a brain tumor. What if im going to die a slow and painful death? In reality migraines plague my mothers side of the family, both her and my brother get them here and there. But anxiety doesn't listen to logic.",Stress +28964,"“Yeah I saw, I think he out to steal.” “That’s what I think, keep an eye out man this place ain’t bad but you gotta watch yourself.” *nods* Then I fell asleep. And woke up to a stolen charger.",Normal +28965,"I recently got out of a 2+ year abusive relationship and am now going to court against him with domestic violence charges. Originally, I was told that I wouldn’t have to testify as there was ample evidence, but now I am being told I must testify about a week from now. I am terrified to see my abuser in court and I was wondering what I should expect. Does anyone have any advice for me or can tell me what I should expect at the trial? Thank you so much.",Stress +28966,"She also has very heavy periods that the only one I have seen so far lasted two weeks. I really like this girl and I want to make it work between us. We had a talk about sex last night and she just said it's painful and she wishes so hard that we could have sex all the time but she is in pain, it's like certain positions or even going down on her is the best option. Can anyone give me any advise moving forward? She keeps telling me ""I don't know why you are with me because of this"" (somewhat sarcastically) and I let her know that I am here for her and we will work this out no matter what but at the same time I want her satisfy her sexually on a regular basis.",Stress +28967,"Today at work I took a customer's payment over the phone. I was pulling up her account so there was a moment of silence between us. I could hear a man in the back yelling,""I'm gonna slap you"" I didn't tell her I had her page pulled up so I could keep listening, because I was convinced I heard incorrectly. ""Bitch I'm gonna slap you"" a couple seconds of silence,""I don't give a fuck"" , a couple seconds of silence, ""I will fucking slap you"" finally I said ma'am. It took her longer than it should have to respond to.",Normal +28968,"At first, I could still do some short work but by 2015, it was a no go. I applied for SSI and SSDI in Dec, 2015. Denial after denial. I had a lawyer. Final hearing in front of the ALJ was April 3rd, 2018.",Normal +28969,"I'm looking for some encouragement to get through a phase where I currently just want everything to be over. Im so tired of thinking about things over and over. Was it sexual abuse or wasn't it, should I move out or shouldn't I. All while I have less and less brain space to devote to schoolwork. People who have gone through this phase what did you do to get through it.",Stress +28970,"Are you over 18? If so, please consider taking a few moments of your time to answer some questions. It’s free, easy, and might give you a little more insight about your time on the internet. Click here to learn more about the study Note: This study protocol has been reviewed and approved by the Smith College School for Social Work Human Subjects Review Committee (HSRC).",Normal +28971,"I was very excited to go back to live in the street but that meant, abandoning my girlfriend. Wich, I had fallen in love with, deeply in love. She was a University graduate, came from an outstanding family, she learned to play the piano and dance Ballet at a very young age. You see the type. But nonetheless she liked me, and I liked her.",Normal +28972,my gf dumped me and was honest .. you are the sweetest guy and made me feel like angel but sorry i can’t handle you scar and it embarrasses me in public and her friends made fun of her for being in a relationship with a scarface . i always hate my life because of this scar ... im tired and always stay at home to avoide people there just no solution for it and i don’t blame my ex she was crying when she told me the truth ... the real problem is people judment im a very nice person and people just think im a bad guys who got this scar from a fight TlDR ; Got dumped because of a scar on my face and i don’t think there would be any girl who loves me and accept me .. is there any girl on earth would accept to be in a relation ship with someone who looks like a criminal? ..i don’t know why im writing this post just want to let it out .. Thank you,Stress +28973,i was anxious because the waiting room was full of crying babies and kids. i have no clue if i really have tachardiya or my heart rate increased because of my anxiety. i just dont get it i visited doctors many times and this is the 1st time this happened. i measured my heart rate over 100 times over a month period using heart rate app on phone it said my heart rate avrege is 77bpm and it goes lower to 64 when i just wake up. I JUST DONT GET IT IM SCARED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!,Stress +28974,"(Mind you we are all here from DSS/Social Services and in this homeless motel shelter) So now it is about 10:00pm and once again he knocks on their door and tells them to turn it down and to be quiet. Nope...that's just not going to happen, as soon as he was out of earshot the cRap music and loud partying resumed. So I sit in my room perplexed as what to do about this,(wanting to get some much needed sleep) as it seems asking them to turn the music down and to quiet down was not going to happen. (obviously they're above the rules and law and don't give a shit about others in the motel) So I sat there thinking and I decided to call the owner/manager one last time and tell him PLEASE get these people to be quiet and turn the music down and to quit being so damn loud. He tells me ""I have told them 2 times to turn the music down and be quiet and they won't listen to me, why don't you call the police yourself"" I was floored by him saying this to me and told him it was NOT my job to enforce the rules, it was his.",Stress +28975,"He laid me down and went to take off his clothes, then I sprung up, ran to the bathroom, grabbed the key(only one we have), ran to the guest room and locked myself in there. Finally safe. No pillow or comforter though, just a thin blanket and some clean laundry. No matter, I couldn't fall asleep anyways. Around 6am I crept outside, took a shower, gathered most of his stuff I could find and left him a note saying I took his key, and when I'd be back at 8pm he should be gone and anything that he leaves behind goes to the bin.",Normal +28976,"He also went to jail when I was in pre school. Last year, my real mom sent me a letter. I had never talked to her. She randomly sent me an easter letter and I saw it and felt weird. I almost started crying but I didnt know why.",Normal +28977,"I'm so stressed at the moment, I pretty much had a breakdown in college from all the work I need to do and the deadline is next week. I have 4 different projects in on the same day at the same time and I'm doing the best I can to manage my time but it's nothing simple like typing up an assignment. It's programming work, and as much as I do enjoy programming, having to create 4 different projects with 3 different languages is causing me to panic and stress out on getting things done. I've spoken to student support and a couple of tutors but I can't switch my mind off how many deadlines I have and the worst part is that I can't do 3 of them at home. I can only do them during college hours.",Stress +28978,"I did a few EMDR sessions, had great success, but also don't want to go through that again as I became severely depressed in the days following sessions. Anyone else sharing this feeling?? Like maybe sometimes its better/easier to not go to therapy and revisit everything and try to get ahold of it yourself? I definitely do have a skill set learned from my time in therapy that I feel I can rely on right now, but if I get worse I am not sure if just that is enough...though hopeful I will not get worse. Would appreciate your feedback whether you also share these feelings, or if you think it is better to return to therapy.",Stress +28979,"I'm not the kind of guy who likes to ask for help with things like this, especially when it feels like there are so many people with worse problems, but after three years of trying to save up on a disabled person's income with nothing but failure (as soon as I have a little saved, something else comes up), and at the encouragement of my online acquaintances, I have decided to try setting up a gofundme account in order to get dentures: I feel like I have tried every government assistance program and charity in the US, but as a 35 year old male, there is no help for me. I'm not young enough for assistance, I'm not old enough for assistance, and I am not a female with kids, so there is just no help available. As proof here is the thread I made three years ago. I wasn't asking for anything then, just showing off the teeth I had pulled: ",Stress +28980,So about a year and a half ago my best friend was apart of a somewhat controversial car accident in which he ended up getting convicted with a felony even though all the evidence pointed that he was not in the wrong. This was a tough thing for him and his family to go through both financially and emotionally. The case was finally settled about a month ago and things seemed to be looking up. 2 nights ago his younger brother ended up taking his own life. This was completely devastating news to everyone that new him.,Normal +28981,"Ever since my ex and I broke up last year, I’ve been cooped up at home because I couldn’t find the courage or motivation to go out. We had been going out for 3 years when we decided to break it off. I started to work from home and further withdrew into myself… I rarely went out, even to see friends and do my chores, like buy groceries. Today, I decided I was sick of the way I’ve been living my life lately and want to make some serious changes. I chatted up my friends and organized a Ukraine ski trip with them next month.",Normal +28982,"It is thus counterproductive to do so, when I could just go to work. I am trying to get a better job. Trust me, I am *trying. * The issue is that I have a huge gap in my employment history where I was more or less spending every single day giving my grandmother 3 insulin shots a day, cooking 2 meals for her, cleaning her apartment and running her to and from doctor's appointments and to the hospital. That was a full time job in and of itself.",Stress +28983,"The prospect of this has me utterly overwhelmed right now though. I apologize for the erratic train of thought in this post; I'm honestly at my wits end and thought it would be worth reaching out on this sub. Even if you can't help me financially, any sort of aid would be helpful. I'm going to be on my own for the first time, so any household supplies you might even have laying around that you could donate would probably be helpful. Even advice or resources would be great right now.",Stress +28984,"Lately I realized that if its possible to have our minds immortalized by transferring them to a digital copy (basically creating a backup with a computer, or slowly replacing each neuron with a computer to keep our conciousness intact) that its possible to wind up in a situation where humans have created an eternal hell. I am terrified that one day the government will force people to have digital copies of their brain, or ""go digital"". It will probably start with the military, but eventually everyone will have to (the government loves control). At this point, it would be possible for a hacker, or a shady government, to just torture a person.... forever. I mean, until the universe ended, if it does.",Normal +28985,"That was enough back then. Matt was always great at hiding his ailments. I never even knew how hard his life had been; how many times he had been in and out of the hospital. He hid it from everybody extremely well. But now he's older, and he's not hiding it so well anymore.",Normal +28986,"I just didn't change my listing info when I changed my price from 1 thousand to 6 thousand. I paid $6 thousand for this painting I am wondering if there is a place here on Reddit, I can post it for sale? I am selling it for a steal. Simply because I NEED money.",Normal +28987,"Been together for 5 years, married for 1 year. My husband outwardly reserved/introverted but he's also very goofy around me. We joke around and are playful with each other in most interactions unless it comes to serious subjects. Lots of teasing, tickling, and 'play wrestling' in our home. The problem has always been when it comes to, umm, being romantic.",Normal +28988,"So I met this guy about 9 months ago at a meet-up group. We used to go out for drinks every other weekend and he'd always come on to me. We ended up hooking up a few times when drunk and became sort-of friends w/ benefits. It was the first time I'd done anything like that but he seemed like a natural flirter. But after a while, some personal stuff got in the way of his life and he took a break from the drinking/partying etc.",Normal +28989,"I have watched her try to navigate getting services while working and trying to keep her car in working order. It is no easy feat. I know you probably see a lot of GoFundMes for people who need help. Sofia is one of those people. Please, please consider helping her, even if it is just $1.",Normal +28990,">Like, I budget and we are responsible but the rent and bills and then gas and medical costs are so high we just cant do it >Im even studying coding to try and fight out of poverty but even thats tough because I am always at a physically demanding job >And the ""good"" resources cost money I dont have >I havent seen my family in two years. I have a niece growing up not knowing me because I cant afford to even miss a day of work let alone a week to visit them",Stress +28991,"I am constantly being controlled by my abuser in having to fight his continued harassment in court, or I am controlled by my emotionally abusive husband who I can't leave because I have no money and we have kids together. I am starting to become seriously suicidal. Last year, on my birthday, I made a serious and almost successful attempt on my life because of PTSD triggers that weren't even as bad as these. My birthday is coming up again in February. I don't know what to do.",Stress +28992,"this has been happening for the longest time, and it's very hard to describe so bear with me. once in a while when i'm trying to sleep, suddenly my racing mind starts experiencing opposites at the same time. the most terrifying one is feeling like the world is expanding infinitely but also crushingly contracting in on itself. then there's also times when i focus so much on the silence in the environment that i end up feeling like the room sounds extremely loud. and a more physical one is feeling hot and cold at the same time, which prevents me from being comfortable enough to fall asleep.",Stress +28993,Currently in s constant state of anxiety with heart palptations. Woke up this morning with panic attacks. We broke up 4 months ago (it happened suddenly over text) as the relationship was shaky. Is there anything I can do about this? Conciously I'm not trying to think about the situation but unconsciously I still have the physical symptoms (anxiety/panic/heart rate and palpitations).,Stress +28994,"I tried multiple times to get him to join in on the fun but my attempts unintentionally put him on the spot and had the reverse effect. Truthfully, I got distracted after a while trying to get lucky. I feel guilty because I don't know how to help him in those situations. What if anything can I do to help him come out of his shell? Should I just let him be?",Normal +28995,"I don't know whether to confront him or to move on, or is it just like that saying ""Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them, and sometimes it's enough just to know they are there."" --- **tl;dr**: Friend is becoming more distant, flaking, and avoiding contact. Yet at the same time comes to me for advice and to talk.",Stress +28996,I seem to have these bouts of anxiety. I'm not constantly anxious but if something worries me enough there's a good chance I'll start on this downward spiral. When I get like this not only do I start worrying I get this terrible feeling. All I can describe it as is like a heavy dark feeling. It's very hard for me to shake it.,Stress +28997,"I tried to tell her what I was changing and why, but she just shrugged it off and started to fall asleep. It really bothered me because I was genuinely trying to help her. Overall, I am really conflicted about this whole ordeal. When we tell her things she doesn't understand or want to hear when it comes to jobs, she blows up on us. We have both had multiple jobs and written many drafts of resumes and cover letters.",Stress +28998,"I apologize if this is the wrong subreddit for this topic but i'm at my wit's end... I've been homeless since February and i'm now trying to find my own apartment and start living independently for the first time but I need some advice...I've been couch-hopping here & there for a while and i'm staying with a relative who's been helping me but i'm on a limited time frame and I feel like i may not get anything in time...I applied for an apartment but was rejected due to past apartment debts. What can I do t get approved, and do I have a shot at public assistance? I have aspergers and I don't make a lot of money at my current job.",Stress +28999,"For the first time, I put my hard-won progress/my mental health/myself first, ahead of my mom, for her birthday in a couple of weeks. My mom isn’t the primary problem. Her second husband is. He is my abuser. I’m going home for her birthday, something I haven’t done in 5 years.",Normal +29000,. . . I had an emotionally and physically abusive mother growing up and and an absent drunk father. At 13 I was convinced by a 30-something year old man I was his girlfriend and introduced to drugs.,Stress +29001,"I wanted this addressed and my advocate said the next prosecutor taking over my case was great, so don't worry. Now in April of this year I got a call from my attorney from the protection order case. My ex's attorney had contacted her to ask why I hadn't dismissed the case like I'd offered originally. He hadn't brought this up in half a dozen trials, and even provided forged documents to prove my ex's innocence. He had finally requested discovery, seen the actual records and asked for dismissal.",Normal +29002,"* * Again, we arent promoting one company over another, but thought this was an opportunity for some of you that cant reach a therapist IRL to consider this method and ask some questions. I hope you all find it helpful and informative, and /u/iTherapy has the answers for you that you want. Good luck!",Normal +29003,"Hi again everyone - I just wanted to repost my original post about looking for stories and encourage anyone to submit who feels up to it. I really would love anything you want to share; anonymity is entirely respect and key to this novel that I'm creating so I hope you will feel safe in sharing your experiences Here is the original post: I am writing a novel, based on my experience in an abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend. However, its not a precise retelling, partially for my safety, but also because I want to tell not just my story but others' stories as well.",Normal +29004,"I fucking *wish* I could talk this out with family therapies and interventions , god knows i've tried. My existence here is predestined and i'm going to become whoever and whatever my family wants me to be, dealing with whatever they through my way. I wish my mother could love me. It's either this plan or suicide, as blunt and intense as that sounds. I plan on deleting this out of paranoia soon but will keep the responses.",Stress +29005,"I want to start off by saying I love my in laws. They do a LOT for us and we are incredibly grateful for them. My MIL has always been around to babysit when I’ve needed to go to doctors appts, and seeing that she has MS (not severe), my SIL comes over to help play/do the lifting. My mil is capable of all of that, but she has a harder time. We have a history with my SIL.",Normal +29006,"I'm just overwhelmed, really don't want to give up on myself but my spirit has been broken more than once and I can't ever seem to get to the m ight at the end of the tunnel. If anything, thanks for reading, hopefully in the near future I can update this with some good news. If not I wish anyone in a similar situation that sees this the best of luck. Sometimes you get dealt a hand you literally cannot play. I am living proof.",Stress +29007,"7. This study will include only participants who are 18 years and older. Please send us a private message if you are interested in participating. Once you contact us, we will send you a link to the screening questionnaire to see if you qualify and to tell you more about the study. Please note: If you participated in this study at any point in 2016 through Vanderbilt University, unfortunately you are not eligible to participate again.",Normal +29008,Hi I was hoping that someone in this sub would be able to help. My new partner is a long term suffer of ptsd so far I only know bits she has promised to tell me everything in time and I'm not pushing her on it. What I know is that she was long term abusive relationship from about 14 - 18. It involved a lot of sexual assault. We are getting though the day to day stuff flash backs and triggers.,Normal +29009,"All things considered it didn't stand out aside from being the first time I got involved. I could give a description of how it went down, but I'm not going to for privacy reasons. Most of the times I wouldn't be able to do that any more than the average person can tell you what they had for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks at any given day years ago. It all gets mixed up in my head. I usually react badly to anniversaries of incidents that involve being blamed for someone dying.",Normal +29010,"We went from completely being strangers to being absolutely the best of friends. And im talking about a person who says the same things at the same time, perfectly understands your point, same faith, same songs you listen to, just so much coincidence happening during those 8 months that made me believe in fate, destiny - whatever you call it. And im 28, i've had 2 exes. Both long term. Ive never been single since I was 17.",Normal +29011,"I find attractive qualities to pine after in literally everyone. So for a long time I thought I was pansexual, never focusing on the fact I lacked any interest in sex with the person. Maybe the desire to touch... But even kissing is weird for me and I back away from my husband when it gets too much... I'm also not super touch friendly, I think most.of that is my mental health and past...",Normal +29012,I thought that sounded fun so I agreed. The whole way there I was so nervous and anxious. And during was kind of fine but I was fairly scared. it ended up with my friend also having sex with me and I agreed but I was so wasted. Afterwards I felt so sick and repulsed and freaked out by what had happened.,Stress +29013,"I'm a long time lurker of r/relationships but my post was locked and asked to post here- I have never made a post before so I apologize in advance! Thank you in advance to anyone who reads. I'm extremely conflicted in whether I get back together with my boyfriend or not, Scott. We have been in a relationship for 3 years, living together for 1, but I moved out a few weeks ago into my own place. For the first couple of years, everything was great.",Normal +29014,"We met and it went really well - he's a super sweet, smart, and thoughtful kid (just like his dad). It turns out that the kid has (VERY recently - after I met his dad) been dealing with some mental health issues - he texted a friend that he was suicidal, and his parents have been scrambling to get him help because they are not sure if he has depression or something else. He's since started therapy and seems to be doing ok but obviously they are very concerned. I listened and was very supportive when he told me (I've dealt with my fair share of mentally ill family members) and I could tell he really appreciated it. We talked about it a few more times after that day.",Normal +29015,"Tomorrow afternoon my four children and I are leaving my husband. After years of emotional neglected, financial control and recently added physical abuse towards my youngest. I'm scared that even after our planning we will be turned away from the refuge and have to use the little amount savings to rent a cabin. I'm scared that I'm making the wrong descion. Even though my 3 older children have developed mental illness over the past year.",Stress +29016,"I am living with my mom right now and we cannot afford to find a new place but in a few weeks we will not be allowed to stay here anymore. My mom will be fine she is going to live with my dad but for reasons that are irrelevant I refuse to live with him it's not even a conversation I just will not. No matter what anyone says I will not live there and that is the end of that discussion, with all due respect. I have no friends to stay with and no job so I guess the only thing I can think of is to somehow work out some kind of arrangement to get a job ASAP(we live really far from town and I have no car or driver's license) save up as much money as I can then quit that job and find one of those sketchy cheap hotels in the city for $60 a night and then find another job nearby but the problem is because of my age I don't know if I'll be able to rent at all I just have no clue what to do someone please help me:(",Stress +29017,"I check my phone even though I know she won't reply. How do I get past this? Where did I go wrong? --- **tl;dr**: sent my friend a love letter, basically, and she never responded and then proceeded to block me on everything.",Stress +29018,"60 days past due, need 1,500 by the end up business Friday, current payment and past due amount. I made a post on r/borrow and would be willing to offer same terms to anyone here. There I requested $2250, to also help consolidate some loans I have there, with a pay back amount of $2,750 over 5 months. If I lose this car, my world will collapse and I will most likely end up homeless. I'm hoping there is a kind soul on here who can help, but hope all have a blessed day!",Stress +29019,"I’ve even sought out arrangements (sugar daddy) for gifts and stuff. I’m fully willing to do it, but of course this is a shot in the dark and hard to be consistent about. I’m kinda freaking out about it and i’m not sure what to do. If there are any loans or opportunities or anything that I can use as a resource please let me know. I could use all the help I can get.",Stress +29020,"I was severely neglected as a child by my mother, but this isn't about the neglect (although it may make an appearance at some point), I think my twin and I were sexually abused by her first boyfriend (the man she had an affair with). I have a distinct memory of lying in my bed at night and there being a male figure crawling up towards me, this is more of a still frame though. The others however I remember vividly to a point, one was a very inappropriate tickling game where my sister was under her duvet and he was on top of her tickling, except he was also humping, I can't remember much more than that, the other is walking to his house, I remember the exact route, going in and him showing me his house, I can't remember anything once he showed me his bedroom, other than the bedding was white, I don't remember leaving or what happened in between, but I remember things like he had an Eiffel Tower figure he made in his front room. I started masturbating at a young age and I wonder if this is linked in. I've been suffering a lot recently, and I am on medication and undergoing therapy, but these bouts are cyclic, I always end up back in this position after a while, perhaps not as severe as the one I'm in now, but I feel that it's in part due to having such little recollection of my childhood (can't remember much of it or my teen years), I want to be able to have a definitive answer to whether I was sexually abused so I can put it to rest, the not knowing is really hurting and the flashbacks I have are intrusive and upsetting, I don't know how to confront this situation and get over it.",Stress +29021,"But it happened. I literally had to take breathing exercise thingys because I felt like I was gonna pass out, my heart was racing. Now not all notifications scare me, like here, I won't really be too concerned. But still. I think the root of the problem is the sheer anonymity of when it alerts you a notification.",Stress +29022,"I know there are no guarantees, but what medicine has worked for you? I really just want to feel better. They’ve had me on Lexapro for the past 4 or so years but I think it’s lost it’s efficiency. All it does is keep me awake at night. I tried Celexa when I was about 15 or 16, but I was young and dumb and didn’t take it when I was supposed to, so I guess I never really found out if it worked.",Normal +29023,"Please be aware that although you cannot be identified from your survey responses, no computer transmission can be perfectly secure. **Nevertheless, we have made every effort to protect the security of your data. ** The results of the study will be used by Ms. Divya Kumar to prepare a thesis for submission for the BPsychSci(Hons) degree at ACAP. We also plan to present the results of the research at an academic conference and publish them in a reputable academic journal. In any publication, information will be provided in such a way that you cannot be identified.",Normal +29024,"I have been thinking about it and I think that all anxiety seems to boil down to either fear of what other people think of you or fear of death. I am curious if this is just me? Sometimes simplifying it makes it easier for me to deal with, at least during less intense moments where I still have control of my mind. I realize a fear of death is a bit unbeatable, but some how that seems to give me a bit of peace. The one that I have a hell of a time with is fear of what other people thinking.",Stress +29025,"I've had anxiety for a few years (I'm seventeen) and only got diagnosed properly like 7 months ago alongside depression. Over the past few months I've developed a stutter and I've been unable to form proper sentences which has given me a fear of talking to friends and even just talking in general. I'm not the smartest person in my family and have got the lowest grades but I've always been excellent with my literacy but when I'm talking to either my family or friends, the words just can't come out. I've recently had something happen to nw where I was used for comedy & told to ""try electro shock therapy"" to help my mental illnesses by some guy pretending to be there for me. This is only really related because this has made me really antisocial and I can't trust people anymore.",Stress +29026,"I moved out of our family home and in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. Since then we’d speak a bit over text, mainly for each others birthdays. Last time we spoke via text was about three months ago. I asked Eva if she wanted tickets to a concert for a band that we both really like and had seen in concert together before. She said yeah, but was less than enthusiastic when I gave her the ticket a week later when I went to visit.",Normal +29027,"Just looking acidentaly at news or pictures of weed in the web (specially while working) triggered this super anxious and horrible feeling. I would take around an hour or two to recover of this feeling. To this day I still suffer with this. When, at work, I will have an important meeting, I am praying that when I am in the computer, no article about marijuana or weed suddenly appears in the newsfeed...Can you imagine this? This is completly irrational.",Stress +29028,"Only self-diagnosed as OCD until my eventual downfall. A series of events in late 2016 led me into an intense, insidious cycle of anxious rumination and fear. DPDR arose from this maelstrom of angst, something who's existence I was completely unaware of, particularly as to being related to anxiety. My perceptual world changed, my reality became crisp, shiny, radiant yet also incredibly surreal. And there I was, thrust into the middle of a world so overwhelmingly vivid that I yet felt so overwhelmingly absent from.",Normal +29029,"I had a moment earlier when I was setting up for the night that I kinda, realized that life hasn't quite gone to plan, huh? [Handy dandy storage box! Nobody questions someone carrying an awkwardly large Anyway, my bedroll is one of the only real constants in my life at the moment, and I kinda wanted to share it. I'd imagine that for others who are in less than ideal situations that your bedroll, or whatever sleeping arrangement you have is in some way special to you--anyone else wanna share what bed looks like for you tonight?",Normal +29030,"Hi everyone, (edit: the title should say “after reading the symptoms” btw). I feel like I should give a little background. About 7-8 months ago I left my abusive ex-girlfriend, she was my first serious partner and we were together for about a year and a half. She pretty much ruined my life, and I experienced all kinds of abuse while I was with her (and even when we were apart), including emotional, mental and physical. Fast forward to today, I have a new relationship with the sweetest girl in the world, a brand new start since I’m a freshman in college, and there’s a good chance that I will never have to speak with or maybe even see my ex for a good while.",Normal +29031,With my daughter recovering and my wife getting further in her diagnosis and her pregnancy I haven’t been able to catch up and it’s snowballing out of control. We applied for social security for both my wife and daughter but our paperwork was “lost in the system”. I went to court last week and the writ of possession will be filed tomorrow morning to have my belongings removed from the home. I have asked for loans and co-signers but nobody close to the family is willing to take a hit to their credit. I have sought out rental assistance from local charities but they will only help me if I got the balance down to $500.,Stress +29032,"They told me I wouldn’t be allowed back to my house until my court date in a MONTH. And even that is certain. Well I found a friend that I can stay with for another 2 days but after that I’m unsure of what to do. I’m currently unemployed don’t even have a license, there’s literally no one I can stay with my parents are refusing to talk to me. I’m genuinely not sure what to do with myself but I’m scared and feel so alone.",Stress +29033,"I dont know what im trying to do by writing this, maybe just to vent, or get advice.. i dont really know.. but here we go. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. Everything was great at first. He was a bad boy, but i saw so much more than what he did. I loved him with everything i had and i was ALWAYS there for him.",Normal +29034,"He was a diabetic with us. Never said much to him but he was a younger kid never caused a problem. I had to listen to this ""famous star"" of the compound tell the new people coming into the box about how he hog-tied this dude and stabbed him in the back as he was raping him. He than continued to explain the details of how he stabbed the mans orfaces to draw blood for lubrication as he molested the dead body to get his point across about how the child had fealt. I listened to this story over and over multiple times daily as the man bragged about his actions.",Normal +29035,I know it is a huge accomplishment that I've been able to get back on the road and try again. It's just frustrating that I haven't been making as much progress as I'd like. I really miss being independent and free. Does anyone have any tips? I'd love to find someone that can relate or who has overcome this fear.,Normal +29036,"It's important to put your needs first sometimes. This might sound really obvious but I never realized just how harmful it can be to try and please everyone all the time. Whether you speak your mind or don't, there's always going to be someone who dislikes you. I think it's important to realize that there's VALUE in your personal expression, so it's worth the risk of offending a few people. I just haven't been able to see the value in my own words for so long.",Normal +29037,"I've been dating this guy for nearly three months. We met at a bar and had a one night stand, so my expectations were very low. We started by taking it slow (dinner or takeout and a movie on Saturdays) but things felt really nice and normal. I'm used to meeting guys on apps where everything is a game and usually they are dating multiple people at once; this felt different. We met before Thanksgiving and managed to keep the momentum going through a lot of travel and three weeks spent apart.",Normal +29038,"I actually do have access to some money where I believe I could pay off at least some of what I owe but I honestly don’t even know where I can get a number for the debts that I owe. I am afraid to even begin for several reasons. 1) I am worried I might actually be in legal trouble over this, 2) I am afraid of seeking help from someone who isn’t understanding of my situation and will just be totally horrified about what a mess it is and they will be mean to me. Are there any counseling resources available to me? I am NOT looking for a handout I just need help being walked through the steps of what I need to do to resolve this.",Stress +29039,"I know no break up is fun, but you know what I mean. Without going into too much detail: she was unhappy, cheated on me, broke up with me, started dating other guy. We also live together. It's been three weeks and the stress had caused my stomach to twist into knots I cannot untie... Not really sure where else got with this. I just want to stop feeling like this.",Stress +29040,"I'm aware I have problems when it comes to dating, I get jealous, paranoid and suspicious very easily. I hate it about myself and hide it from my boyfriend very well. Take for example my bf, we have each other on snapchat, we maybe send one or two to each other a day it's not like a thing we do but it could be, I tried to send him more but it wasn't reciprocated. Yet I always see his snapchat score go up by like 30 or more at a time (I know I shouldn't snoop it just feeds my problems but I can't help it). Anyway I just get jealous that he snaps loads to other people but not me, I don't know who.. it could be another girl.. he never sends a face pic to me but is he to others and if so why not me?",Stress +29041,"I’m trying to get into Freelance writing, but these libraries want physical original ID’s, so I’m doing everything by phone, which is now also hard to do… because of charger thieves. Ugh. Times like these generate negative attitudes towards the world, and myself. The fact that noone has the time and patience for me just makes me wonder if I’m a piece of shit. No.",Stress +29042,"there are guards you have to ask for everythig and the other people who live there - while most are ""ok"" some either look like trouble or actually give trouble. . In theory I would have moved to the capital and taken up fitness instructor course and applied for an education. only my GPA is bad even though I took higher level classes than requirred. so I need to fix my study habits and I need to either sue my dad or find closure with him and cut him out of my life.",Stress +29043,Then I started to notice how much of a temper he has. The first few weeks he was good at hiding it but it started coming out. He was full of compliments for me but they were pretty generic and he took me on a bunch of dates. The last few days I was kind of avoiding him and he kind of tried getting controlling. Yesterday I was going to spend Christmas eve with him and his family and I tried bringing up some major concerns about the way things were going and he flipped out and started screaming and throwing shit.,Stress +29044,"""Fuck you bitch, I can make your life hell and get you kicked out of here. I manage this place when the owner is not around"" Needless to say that is all a lie from him, He is here from DSS/Social Services just like I am. What I am worried about is my safety and security. This guy is obviously mentally ill and a drug addict and alchie, and now I am really concerned that he will do something to me because I stood up to him and his nonsense bullshit.",Stress +29045,"Just realised in my greatest moment of need, no one could be there for me despite me seeking it out and reaching out first. These are 'friends' Ive talked to about issues before. My heart is beyond broken to find myself at once again a second round of realisation that I have no friends to be there for me. People have stuff to get on in their lives and cannot always be there for me. I get it.",Stress +29046,"My situation is that I might be homeless for about a month. I have plenty of money coming in from my clients during the month of October--more than enough to meet the 3x income requirement for most apartments in the city where I plan to move (my hometown). However, my lease here ends Sept 30. I don't have quite enough to meet the 3x income requirement before then. Some of my clients have really slow pay schedules.",Stress +29047,"I currently have $7k in my bank account. I have $1.4k in credit card debt, which nets me $5.6k. I have no incoming cash flow other than tax refund that I have not filed for yet. In worst case scenario, I can tap into parts of my 401k/roth savings, which do amount to over $35k, but obviously there are tax penalties associated with that along with having some restrictions. Due to ongoing expenses, like car payments, insurance, food, airBnb, etc, I project to have no cash in my checking account in about 4 months.",Normal +29048,"So I have a csf leak. It isn't diagnosed, but being that its pretty much the only thing(I don't have any heart issues) that causes orthostatic headaches and and the other problems im having, its probably a csf leak. If I stand for more than 10 minutes or so after I wake up I develope a horrible headache that feels like its pressing downwards, and I basically become retarded. Like I cant even walk straight. I think my vision is starting to be affected too.",Stress +29049,I'm an ex wife and mother. My daughter is 14. I met my ex husband 8 years ago and together we raised my daughter. We separated 3 yeara ago. Although the marriage didn't work we continued to co-parent.,Normal +29050,"​ Here are the skills you don't realize you have, that you can use to succeed tomorrow. ​ Now, maybe you already know that you have certain skills that not many people have, but you view them as negative? Because it's what happened to you in the past that made you learn certain behaviours and adapt a certain way of thinking?",Normal +29051,"That being said, I feel like every idea I have to contribute gets shot down. It doesn't help that I'm not the best at communicating ideas. I feel like I'm at a dead end and am not being considered to move up because of it. It's gotten me so anxious that I don't know what to do except look for other opportunities. I feel like he's just pretending to appreciate what I do.",Stress +29052,"I recently became depressed and am now understanding that I’ve also had anxiety my whole life but I am waiting to see a specialist to have a diagnosis. My doctor is pretty easy goin and will give me pretty much whatever medication I want. Lately I’ve been trying this and trying that to find a good combination of meds. My foquest would make me very depressed in the evenings and morning so I went off foquest and went on Wellbutrin XL at 150mg a day. This helped my depression but my attention, memory, and focus faltered.",Stress +29053,I lost a child because of this man and i went back for round 2? Am I nuts? Why am I so surprised i've come out looking like i've just had 10 round with Tyson? Advice please - anyone gone through a similar experience? What did you do?,Stress +29054,"Things my boyfriend does make me feel bad sometimes (for no reason actually), like when he doesn´t text me back for a few hours ( because he´s really busy with work but he texts me back whenever he can, I know it ) and I start having weird thoughts, like ""Is he already tired or bored of me? Is this just another guy who made me fall in love with him and think that he loves me and cares about me, and he actually doesn´t give a damn about me?"" I don´t want to have these thoughts, so I try to stop myself from thinking about that all, but sometimes I just can´t stop and I feel too bad ( for no real reason actually because I honestly feel like he loves me a lot. ). I feel like a bad anxiety attack is coming, and I can´t stop it.",Stress +29055,As someone in there house is no longer going to be living with them as a mutual agreement. I get along really well with some people in this agreed group and they are far more enthusiastic and keen than the others I mentioned above. I discussed with this group prior to the free slot that it would be lovely to live with them if possible and now that they have a slot it's actually possible. Since that happened I agreed to live take the slot with them. Having a house with them (five of us total) and I think it's in my best interest as they are a tight friend group meaning communication to sort it out is easier and they're more assertive - four of them are also taking the same subject as me.,Normal +29056,"That you're super grateful that you're alive and want to share what you have with everyone, or that you don't feel like you were one of the lucky ones. It's probably something she just stuffed. Who knows. But again, is my sister a survivor of 9/11 or a victim? I think she was missed in count of the walking wounded, until today.""",Normal +29057,"Credit card debt makes me depressed, it’s been terrible. Today I only have 3 with the rest paid off. Only about 6 months until I’m in a better position to get back on me feet! I’m trying to get an easy 2nd job so it’ll be even sooner, but I’m always shot at the end of my 10 hour days and never getting a good night sleep. I just have to do it.",Stress +29058,"The next day after a meeting he tried confronting her about being ignored. To other people it’s nothing, however to me, I can’t stand the thought of her being assaulted or harassed in that way. I think he might be working later today when she’s working. We both discussed that she would “tell him to stop and that she has a boyfriend and if he doesn’t stop she’ll tell the manager” which I’m okay with. Except all I want to do is protect her, part of me knows that she’s going to be okay, but I need some advice about how I should address the issue if this guy doesn’t stop, keep in mind the fact that I can wrestle and basically fight, and can someone tell me something that will help me hold onto the hope?",Stress +29059,"I could try to transfer to another Olive Garden in the new area, or get a job at another restaurant. It's quite easy to get established at another restaurant. Does this sound like a good scenario? I'm currently living with a friend and bike to work. I just want to get on my own agaim asap.",Normal +29060,"I'm anxious right now I hope my life won't be miserable this year. I can't believe I have to get my eyes checked because one of them is getting sore. My life should be about me, not about medical doctors. I really love the idea of pain and sickness (sarcasm) I'm just so bloody sick of the crap. I really am.",Stress +29061,"I have suffered for years through an abusive relationship with my husband. Drunk driving, attempting to detain me in one place so he could continue to yell at me, child endangerment, stalking, physical and sexual abuse, cheated on me multiple times, (including one instance I am sure was actually rape). I kicked him out months ago and filed for divorce as soon as I was able after that. Now I have a court date for the restraining order for me and my son, which I finally gathered up the courage (and the witness testimony) to file. I know that everything I've said is true, and I'm confident that my evidence is strong.",Stress +29062,"I have to talk to him and make nice, and pretend its ok, but I feel unsettled and on edge around him. I guess I don't know what to do, it's a complicated situation, and I feel that I'll never get the ""real talk"" I'd like to have with him, or any sort of apology. He seems rather narcissistic, not as bad as my own father, but enough to not want to admit his wrong doing and own up to it. Is this something I can get over on my own while still around him? Am I over exaggerating?",Stress +29063,"I'm new to living in my car. Very limited access to cooking and can't afford ice. The basis of my diet is whole wheat bread. I eat it with peanut butter and honey/jam, canned tuna, and vegetable/bean/lentil soups. I often eat canned peaches, mandarin oranges, green beans, corn, and white/pinto beans.",Normal +29064,"My father was diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer, and while it's well-controlled, the side effects of his hormonal and chemo treatments have left him far more emotional (but, at least, unable to just sublimate his depression/anxiety into anger and vent it at any available target anymore), and the physical side effects have forced him into an early retirement, meaning 80% of the time he's home and sitting in the livingroom. He's no longer directing the same vitriol and venom at me that he used to, and neither does my sister, but... It's all the little things they do to invalidate my feelings, treating more like a live-in servant than a family member, and the occasional outbursts if they get angry/upset that trigger me badly... It's making me lose ground, lose progress, and I'm having more and more trouble coping with everyday life... And I'm afraid I'm going to just, break. Crumble under the weight of it all...",Stress +29065,"Also, you’re incredibly ditzy and that gives off the idea that you’re stupid.” Last week, she rudely corrected me in front of a patient and then rolled her eyes and shook her head. The patient leaned into me and said, “What the heck was that about?” I finally got fed up and went to my boss. This coworker is very manipulative and loves to gaslight me. She will say or do something mean and then when confronted, will deny the behavior and go off on all the things she saw me do “wrong” (basically stupid shit that is none of her business anyway. I sneezed into my elbow once and she lectured me on washing my hands.",Stress +29066,"I’m tired of watching the days waste away before me because I’m so useless. I’m useless from the insomnia, the depression, anxiety and lack of motivation. My chronic illness has destroyed my life, the resulting PTSD has only made it worse. I don’t know where this post is going. I don’t know what any comments will say.",Stress +29067,"But I’m wondering if anyone here has chronic pain, and feels the connection between the two. Now the PTSD, has been been coming up. I’m sure I’m not alone, but during the Kavanaugh hearings my symptoms became very severe. It’s still not entirely better. I know many studies have been done connecting PTSD with chronic pain, especially for women.",Stress +29068,"I literally have never been sick so much. Normally if I get sick at all it’s when allergy season comes, so like once a year. My hair is definitely falling out way more than it normally does. Has this happened to anyone? I know it’s almost over.",Stress +29069,"I meet a great guy, we connect immediately due to same interests. I like him a lot, he likes me too. We go on a few dates, everything goes smoothly - the conversation is still heated, the guy still shows enthusiasm regarding going out with me or me in general. After a few dates, we end up either having sex or doing something sexual, and then it all cools down. The conversations go at a much slower pace up to the point where we stop talking at all.",Normal +29070,"Even if that's true (and I believe her), I hate it. I've tried to explain my point of view and why I hate them still talking but every time it's brought up we always just end up arguing. She says I have no reason to be jealous of him and that she's VERY happy with me and that I'm overreacting. I'm not trying to create a problem when there isn't one but I feel like I have a point? I never want to tell her to stop talking to a friend, but their history makes me uncomfortable.",Stress +29071,He has anger issues and he seems like a good guy sometimes (even though i know he's a fucking monster) and i know he's had a bad childhood. It's even harder because if he does get arrested or something for it my best friend won't have anyone to support her/pay for her tuition or her meals even... her mom doesn't have the money to do that and i think that's why she still stays with them... just so she can support her daughter. My family would be willing to take her in but we're not doing well w/ money either. I really want to do something about it but idk what i can do. He's been horrible to his family since forever.,Stress +29072,"I would rather kill myself than hurt other people so why the fuck did that even occur to me? My therapist told me I'm meant to be alive and hugged me and I don't even know why because how could I be meant to be alive if I have thoughts like this? What's the point? It honestly feels like depression or ptsd or whatever this is has stripped me of normal human emotions and humanity and I'm just like this vacuum moving around undetected that people, like my therapist, fail to see is awful and unlovable and unfixable. I don't feel anything in conversations, I have trouble with empathy sometimes.",Stress +29073,"My boss asked my lead, who is friends with that person about it. My lead came to me and told me that she knows that i spoke to the big boss and they both expressed to me that what i did was the right thing. i dont really trust them to keep this confidential anymore. Im worried ill gain the tattletale reputation, and people will be a little more rude than they have been. How can I feel less anxious and more positive about this situation?",Stress +29074,"I spoke with her after all was said and done and asked why. Reasons she gave me were that I didn't do enough housework and she felt underappreciated for the work she did, that my libido is considerably higher that hers and it made her feel inadequate so she went outside the marriage to feel more like she could satisfy a person's sex drive, and that I'm boring and the newness of everything was gone. Now I'm here picking up the pieces and trying to decide if I can learn to trust her again, if I'm willing to put in the work, and what I could have done to be a better husband to avoid this. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't even hold a marriage together for 6 months. Currently she's sick because she also has untreated lupus and the stress of all of this has caused her immune system to weaken, her joints to swell, and her muscles to ache.",Stress +29075,"I get a text from my brother that was essentially, ""fuck off and die, nobody wants you here anymore."" Clearly I need to move out, but the only person I have in my life is my boyfriend, and although we see each other often, we've been long-distance for awhile and it would be a huge adjustment to move almost 100 miles away (although it would be far enough away from them.) Although I love him a lot, I don't exactly want the reason that I move in because he's trying to save me. I want to move in because I want to start a new life with him, not to run away from the old if that makes sense. So, I guess my question is, what do I do?",Stress +29076,"Where each person does what they do because they love the other person and get pleasure out of pleasing their partner. And I know this sounds so horrible and I hate myself for it, but I almost feel like it will never happen. Like she's been broken. Even if you put the pieces back together for a broken glass, it will never truly be like new. And I feel awful for feeling that way but I've been trying (and patiently waiting) for nearly a year now.",Stress +29077,Relying on an app (that depended on wifi) for calls and texts became a hassle so I tried to get an Obama phone. I was denied because I couldn't provide a bill with my name and address on it. Of course I don't have an address: I'M HOMELESS! How am I suppose to get a job when I don't have a phone (one where I can be reached wherever/whenever). The system was designed perfectly...,Stress +29078,"But if you DO RESPOND, your brain thinks ""great, that must have been useful, I'll send that thought again!"" To re-iterate, you can't directly control the thoughts your brain sends, but you can MANIPULATE what it sends by giving it feedback by either Responding or NOT RESPONDING. The more you respond with COMPULSIONS, the more your brain will throw that thought at you. Paradoxically, the things you are doing to relieve your Anxiety are making your OCD worse. The more Compulsions you engage in, the stronger the Obsessions become.",Normal +29079,"They have lives outside the group and are often coming from far away to go to this group. Should I try and be friends with them? I feel like they're not going to want to hang out with a dorky 23 year old, and I have no idea what we'd even do anyway. I also tried Bumble BFF to make friends but found the constant swiping and texting to be really boring and depressing. There's only so much bland small talk a person can make.",Stress +29080,"You would try to understand (not to be confused with accept) their perspective and make a deal that will satisfy them and you. In the same way you would negotiate with your client. What would you like to get out of this deal? What would it take for them to give it to you? Can you give them less then what they want, but make it seem like it's actually more?",Normal +29081,"Hi all! I run a general mental health peer support chatroom on Discord for people 18\+. At over 2500 members, we still maintain a close community\-oriented atmosphere with rules in place and moderators present at all times. Most diagnoses, except those relating to the endangerment of children, are welcome. This is a first person group, so you need to be the person with a disorder to participate.",Normal +29082,"We quickly got really romantically involved albeit it being online. After a few months we decided to meet so I (with the gracious help of my parents) booked a flight to visit her in Germany. My dad insisted on coming with. We met, and things quickly turned sexual. It was my first time being intimate with anyone, my first kiss etc.",Normal +29083,"DO NOT BLAME HIM. PEOPLE WHO ABUSE ARE SOME OF THE MOST MANIPULATIVE AND BELIEVABLE LIARS. That being said; Parent's if you have a child, who is going to EXTREMES to say show their disapproval for a person, LISTEN TO THEM. CHILDREN FUCKING KNOW. And it is YOUR responsibility to ensure THEIR safety and happiness, not satisfy your own at their cost.",Stress +29084,Do I ask the boss (who’s like family to me) to not bring him back once our coming winter layoff is over? How do I continue to stay sane while seeing this guy who is abusive to my extended family and completely absent with my immediate family while telling our friends he’s a happy uncle? --- **tl;dr**: SO's brother works with me. He is abusive to SO and her family and won't acknowledge pregnancy.,Stress +29085,"I never had that symptom before and I just want to know if anyone else has, what has helped manage your dizziness? For me it will trigger panic attacks which I hate so much. I've tried zofran for nausea that did nothing (prob cuz it's anxiety nausea not stomach nausea). Are there any meds for dizziness or vertigo? Thanks!",Stress +29086,"Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest.",Normal +29087,"It did take a long time after we got together to believe he wouldn't, but now I actually believe he'd lay down his life to protect me. And I don't think I deserve that. I'm just so sad and filled with so much self-loathing today. The memories literally make me sick, make me vomit, which I don't need to be doing right now after a major surgery. I just want to erase it all.",Stress +29088,"Participation in this study is voluntary and participants may withdraw from the study at any time without penalty. This study has been approved by Texas Woman’s University Institutional Review Board. Please click on the following link to view the informed consent document and to participate in the study: There is a potential risk of loss of confidentiality in all email, downloading, and Internet transactions.",Normal +29089,"We haven't been able to afford haircuts or anything like that for a while, so my long, wavy hair is pretty 'nest' like and the idea of family photos is just about enough to tip my anxiety over the edge. I really can't thank you all enough. Even if you can't help at this time, just reading what I wrote and keeping us in your thoughts means so much. I make it a point to send some of my artwork to anyone that ends up helping out. (Let me know if I'm not allowed to write this part and I'll take it out.)",Normal +29090,"Neither did I. This turned to weeks, months and before I knew it it was a year. I was bitter. I never received an apology and felt no consideration for my feelings regarding anything was there. I get confused sometimes as to why in my teen years I was okay with talking to her.",Normal +29091,"I [F18] have been with one guy [M21] for 3 years and within the last 4-5 months I’ve wanted to change our relationship dynamic from serious to casual. I still think I love him, but I find myself thinking about other people more and part of myself wants to see if I can do better. We get along great but I’ve always felt that our relationship has lacked an emotional aspect on his part. Part of the reason I want to end it also has to do with our financial situation - we’re both broke but I want to start working more to save more money because I’m trying to be more financially independent. I feel like he is somehow holding me back from my personal goals.",Stress +29092,"Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th.",Stress +29093,It is emotionally and physically taxing for us all to deal with these. I am worried that one day someone might snap and she may become injured. I don’t know what to do anymore. **tldr: younger sister has horrible rage fits all the time and I’m worried about our family** edit: should have specified that we have had her since she was 1 day old,Stress +29094,"I’m having a difficult time coping with how my abusive husband is perceived by family and friends. He raged at me, then was perfectly calm and collected as we met family for dinner less than five minutes later. We go to social events and he’s the perfect gentleman. He’s kind, caring, funny, charming... I sit next to him absolutely blank and speechless.",Stress +29095,"She's okay if you say a rude joke back though so she can take it too. She pokes fun at my lifestyle (I count calories by weighing things in grams, get my eyebrows waxed, go to the gym 5 days a week and jogging 1 day no matter the weather). She is also way ahead in school, and will have a bachelor's at 19 from her university, while I am in my freshman year. She also has a job in her field this year, she makes like $17 an hour and I work at a grocery store barely getting through freshman year while she's killing her senior classes. During our conversation about weird way girls have hit on me I asked about her and she listed way more weird guys than I had weird girls and I know she's hot and I know currently she has multiple offers to go Netflix and chill or go out (I've seen her open snapchats from these boys like over her shoulder while we've been hanging out).",Normal +29096,"The thought of interviewing for a job with a man in a suit makes me want to curl up and die. Despite living and going to college in the town I grew up in, I don't have any close friends. I'm different than most girls at my college, I guess. I don't wear the giant tshirts, and I'm not in a sorority. I don't go out at night and party or go to football games.",Stress +29097,"Hi, just wondering if anyone can relate to this. Sorry I made this long. I tend to have little or no anxiety in social situations... when they are currently happening. It's *after* the event/conversation has passed that I began to analyze the things I said/did and the reactions of other people. I don't have this problem too badly with strangers or people I see regularly and am used to.",Stress +29098,"I thought a good post for people who get Food Stamps (EBT) is needed in case anyone who receives them could use it. For example; Peppermint and Eucalyptus Oil keeps Mosquitos away, you can buy that with EBT. Vinigeer is a good cleaning agent. You can buy Papa Murphy's Pizza with EBT and cook it over a bonfire. Some states (CA, AZ, etc) will let you buy food from fast food like Captain D's, Arby's, etc.. with it.",Normal +29099,"She comes crying to me and formulates a plan to break up. She talks to Joe about their issues and her will to leave him wilts. She stays with him. Rinse and repeat, except it gets worse over time. How can I break the cycle, or help her break the cycle?",Stress +29100,"My troubles began when I confronted her about withdrawing large and frequent amounts of cash from her account and asked her what she was spending all that money on when she wasn't paying for my siblings. I asked her for my 9 year old sister's dad number , so I could bring up her not spending the child support money she was receiving on my sister. She refused to give me his number and since then I cannot even talk to her. She has even told me not to take my sister out with me and my brother because she says she does not have money to pay me back. If i mention anything about what I spend on them she say ""I need to see a receipt"" but when I ask if she bought anything for them and to show me a receipt she says ""Of course I don't keep them"".",Stress +29101,"He laughed a loudly with a couple of people, but to my surprise, many of the others stayed silent. “I have faith young fool, I’m going to heaven, John 3:16 for God so loved the worl-” “I know, but Jesus said what is our faith without good works?” More awkward silence, while he still stood close to my face, so I turned away. I found out much later that he was kicked out of the food place for being disrespectful to a pastor that came to preach.",Normal +29102,"When I get stressed and angry and blow up, I find myself blaming and cursing God a lot for the situation that has made me angry. Like He has always had it out to get me. Afterwards I feel so stupid and ashamed for my outbursts, usually over very trivial thing. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder however I never told my psych or therapist about this part of me because I just don't like talking about it. I have a child now who is turning 18 mo old, and yesterday I had another big outburst when driving with her due to a stupid road rage issue.",Stress +29103,"I knew she wasn't scamming as she was telling me this and it was definitely real when her membership card name matched her credit card (in case anyone things she was begging for pity). She told me the police only helped 2/7 times, because her husband and the police are in some sort of brotherhood so they won't do anything. As she was leaving she told me ""now I have to go back there again"" as she was sobbing. I didnt know what to say or what I could do to help. Everyone I've talked with as told me I should've gotten her phone number because looking her phone number up through our receipts and membership files is an invasion of privacy.",Normal +29104,"We are making a one hour documentary for BBC One Children in Need on what it’s like to be young and homeless in the UK. Part presented by Stacey Dooley, we hope that a film centered on young people’s experiences will not only shed light on this often hidden population but also raise awareness around the need for greater support and understanding. Whether you’re sofa surfing, in a hostel or having to consider sleeping rough, we’d like to hear from you. All contact will be confidential and doesn’t mean you have to take part, we’d just like to hear about your experiences.",Normal +29105,"Just to explain better too, but you may know, a lot of Catholic Schools have an appending Catholic Church. Usually all on the same campus area. They are often linked structurally. At least where I grew up. So I could not think of the School without associating it to the church.",Normal +29106,"I relate to a lot of the symptoms, but what happened to me wasn't ""life threatening"" it was more of a childhood trauma that has a lot to do with growing up in a chaotic home. My brothers tried to kill himself twice, (TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE) and that vision of him holding the knife to his throat or choking himself with a belt WILL NEVER GET OUT OF MY HEAD. hence the reason I'm typing this at two am. It's really bad today and I have gotten zero sleep since midnight of last night. I just can't shake those images out of my head EVER.",Stress +29107,"Life’s kinda sucked all these years but I’ve never given up and my push has always landed me amazing opportunities. Now , I’m just looking for an amazing opportunity but the difference is , I want it to be a permanent one. Reddit is a big site , I’m asking for something specific in a specific state, But if anyone knows anyone I could even just treat to a coffee and pick their brain,",Normal +29108,"Hi, everyone! I'm a writer working on an article about the usefulness of social media forums to provide community/resources/language to people in abusive situations (whether that's abusive parents, friends, or significant others.) If a subreddit (or another site) helped you really understand/realize that your situation wasn't normal, would you be willing to DM me? (Anonymously, of course! I won't use anyone's handles.)",Normal +29109,"And I woke up. It took 3 nurses and some sort of shot to calm me down when I woke up and I had to lay there limp for an hour in the recovery room by myself. They then put me in the maternity ward, sharing a room with a mother who just had her baby. The second surgery was a few days later because the surgery was incomplete. I found out when the part of the baby came out and I slipped on it in the bathroom, my husband found me in a pool of blood crying on the ground.",Stress +29110,"I broke up with my bf of 2.5 yrs on Sunday after suspecting he was the reason why I had fallen into depression for the past year or so. I became more irritable, rude, negative and angry... which was not like my usual positive, polite, and bubbly self. He was often very negative, had anger issues/tantrums, impatient, interrupted me a lot, would ditch me for cocaine, didn't know how to drink alcohol (often consumes until he pukes), was a hypochondriac, always broke (yet had money for weed/shatter or sports betting or junk food or alcohol...), but at the same time did not look after his own health unless I pushed him to... just a lot of care-taking and issues. He has depression and anxiety as well. One of the things that really killed me inside about him was his last girlfriend who had died in a car crash about 1 year before he met me.",Stress +29111,"Yo, straight up. I am so goddamn sick of it. Yeah, its fine, I will wake tomorrow and do the work moving forward, but life is honestly the most pointless bullshit ever. Tomorrow my social worker comes. I just got rejected for a program I was kind of counting on.",Stress +29112,"If you intervene he will stoop down to the lowest level cursing his sons out with the worst imaginable. First the obvious question, is this domestic abuse? Domestic violence? Am I imagining this or blowing it out of proportion? I'm in Canada, are there any legal avenues we can use to end this?",Stress +29113,"Share your favorite travel destinations, books, movies, shows, music, food. Tell them what it’s like to have you as a guest or host: What’s your style of traveling? Of Airbnb hosting? Tell them about you: Do you have a life motto? How much of the glittering generality to follow - truth - counts as complete, and what is it that AirBNB hosts don't want nor need to know?",Normal +29114,"Another update: I received two messages from random women yesterday. It turns out my boyfriend/abuser has been cheating on me, which is not surprising at this point. One of them, he went to get us food while I was home with my son, he paid for this woman's family's meal and got her number, and has been asking her out for drinks every couple days. She sent me screen shots of their conversations and he said, ""The ring I gave her is simply a gift to the woman carrying my child. We have had a rocky relationship and I can not see us as anything more than co-parenting"", then said, ""I don't work well with crazy"".",Stress +29115,"So here's what's going on: 1) I'm a full-time graduate student teaching a full college course by myself. (45ish work/study hours per week) 2) Because the stipend from the teaching is not enough to pay for really anything, I work in foodservice (35 hours a week) 3) Because I am trying to get into a certain PhD program, I need experience in a particular field, so I have another job (9 hours per week)",Normal +29116,"Can anyone else suggest any other resources that would be available to her? Her message to me: $585 rent $180 electric $110 auto and rental insurance policies, $45 phone, $40 laundry, $200 gas, $60 preschool, $72 sitter, $27 medical insurance, $27 Kohl's card, $25 towards CHILD'S medical bill- since EX-FIANCE hasn't had her insured nor paid a dime in child support, and whatever $ for groceries and $ for bathroom items and household/cleaning supplies $20-$25 Zumba, $12-24 Pound Fit and you've gotta figure in $28 oil change every 3,000 miles (I drive 200-300 miles per week) , and CHILD needs new clothes size 5t and shoes size 11 (need to go have her fitted/measure them soon) and I really need some new dress clothes for work and clothes for outside work and new pajamas and shoes. Its just a lot with my income and no other income or assistance whatsoever. I'm flat broke and we need food and I need gas.",Stress +29117,"Hi everyone, I'm studying at the University of Maryland, and I'm working with a team on a product design project. My team and I have decided to focus on the idea of wellness with a particular focus on hospital/patient wellness. If you've ever spent any amount of time in a hospital, we want to hear from you! It's a short survey and would benefit us greatly in taking in feedback and redesigning our product. Thanks!",Normal +29118,"It's been a few months since things happened. I want to talk about what happened, though, but most people are so tired of hearing about it, so I am quiet about it now. I would like to talk about it here where others can understand, if you don't mind. I'm sorry if it is triggering for anyone. Therapy is in the future but not for a couple more months so I have a couple months left of reeling until I can deal with it in a therapeutic setting.",Stress +29119,"As mentioned above, my girlfriends gets pissed off when I act uninterested in her friends and starts accusing me of hating them, which is ridiculous because I hardly even know them, and she gets really upset and stops talking to me for awhile. I'm starting to think that it's gonna end up being a choice between me or her friends and so far, I'm losing. TL;DR: My girlfriend's friends are annoying as fuck and I'm not very fond of them. I don't ever say anything negative about them, yet my girlfriend still gets pissed off if I don't praise them. All our arguments are about them.",Stress +29120,"People are abrasive and mean and stupid and they shit on each other all the time and are presumptive. Most people live alone. Blame your parents! Blame everything that we're not fucking perfect. I think my family was definitely dysfunctional but so was everyone else's in some way or another, and I deeply love and respect them and truly value the sacrifices they made for me.",Normal +29121,"She has had wounds on her face once, one doctor saw them, wrote them down, and offered to call the police. They replied that she'd have to come there by herself and sue her husband. Which of course did not happen. Turns out I get really numb as the only way to not get dragged into this emotional swamp, but is a hell for its own. Hating every single contact here.",Stress +29122,"But I told him that I’m not over it and his response was kinda like “ I feel so guilty, it makes my life hard, I wish you could just forgive me.” So now I feel pressured to forgive him and it’s frustrating because he didn’t give a damn about my feelings when I was 9 and crying my eyes out because I just saw my dad push mom and hit her. In fact, I remember him telling me to shut up. He didn’t give a damn about my brother when he pushed him against a wall to yell at him when he was only in middle school. And I can’t help but feel like that fueled my brothers heroin addiction that almost killed him and still could cause he recently relapsed. I’m just so angry and I don’t want to be.",Stress +29123,"A nasty one. Once it cleared up in a while I decided to take his advice and find a ride to brunswick. I asked around and the last person I asked said he was headed that way and I could join him and his wife, provided I showed some ID, I look younger than I am, so he assumed I was a runaway. When I rode to Brunswick he preached to me about God and told me he was from Florida. Another storm approached.",Normal +29124,"I just moved in on the 31st of August. It’s so nice to have a place of my own to come home to, air conditioning, my own bathroom and shower, a fridge to keep all my food in. The place is pretty empty still, as I blew just about everything paying deposits on the apartment, power, water, and internet. As time goes by I’ll get furniture a little at a time and slowly make the place more cozy and more my own. I can’t believe it’s finally over.",Normal +29125,"And godforbid I see an insect anywhere near me, even if it’s through a car window, jar, or whatever… oh boy, I get VERY anxious. Sometimes I have never ending anxiety that lasts for multiple days, and flares up at the worst times. And if I drink caffeine, oh man, that makes it even WORSE. Nicotine withdrawal can compound this sometimes, increasing my anxiety twofold, and, ironically, making me too anxious to go out to smoke; which causes a vicious cycle that while temporary, can really fuck me up for the time it’s going on. I’m wondering what I can do.",Stress +29126,"Most mild of it was my dad used to hit my butt and call it a love tap, I told him not to do that and he’d say “you’ll understand when you are older” Like I said this is mild and I don’t think constitutes and sex abuse, but I was absolutely uncomfortable and my boundaries were crossed hardcore. I told my dad I wanted to play football when I was 8. He told me I should try for the lingerie league instead. My mom used to go clothes shopping for me, and he would tell me to wear the opened back and low cut shirts because “that’s what the boys like” even though I didn’t want to One night he walked into my room completely naked and turned my light on, I woke up and he stood there for about five seconds completely nude, and then turned the light off.",Stress +29127,"She wont call the cops because her counselor confirmed they would take away her kids (her mother took all but one from her now). What the hell can i do? Edit: she said now I can't tell anyone... I'd let her hate me if it meant getting her safe, but I have no idea what this could do to the kids. Very confused.",Stress +29128,"You don’t play unless you know how to play.   Weaponizing mental health and addictions appears to be par for the course in North American media. The recent election of Doug Ford to leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario has seen a great wave of weaponized addiction posts. His brother who was famously addicted to cocaine, and Doug who used to deal drugs are lampooned by media who in the next breath (I kid you not) say things like, “Addicts are people too” and “Addiction doesn’t lessen somebody’s humanity”.",Normal +29129,"So I don't believe she's telling me the real reason shes pressuring me to have another baby I am going to leave it here, please ask, I made a fake account so I can be honest as possible. Here are my primary concerns though 1) The day care incident with money. I feel like I cant trust her with finances.",Stress +29130,"We have tried crowd funding, I've tried to get a new job, I've even looked into being a sugarbaby. None of us can get a personal loan because of bad credit, or no credit, and lack of jobs. We seriously need help and have no where to go, if we can catch up on our rent, I know next month we can pay. I don't know what to do anymore. We live in Conroe, Texas.",Stress +29131,"I'm a bit jumpy as well as a bit of an animated person. Often I'll jump or exclaim something (even out of excitement) and it will activate my boyfriend's startle response. He will become extremely anxious and at times very angry. I am unsure on how to help him, because he said my current ways of addressing it are not adequate. When I asked him how I could be better at helping him through it, he became even more upset stating that he always tells me what to do and I need to figure this out on my own.",Normal +29132,Kind of starting to worry that I’m doing something really wrong. Now I’m wondering if I should even attempt talking to him anymore or if I should just block him and move on. What would you do in this situation? --- **tl;dr**: I think I’m getting ghosted by the guy I like and now idk what to do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯,Stress +29133,"Does he actually like me, or am I going to end up just hanging out with this guy? He hasn't made a move yet, so I'm inclined to think the latter. Any idea how to stop getting myself in these situations? --- **tl;dr**: I end up in confusing friendships with men that blur the lines between ""relationship"" and ""friendship.""",Normal +29134,No one's story is less than another. I am looking to reach out to those who have no hope to show them that even though so many people have gone through awful things they are still here! If you're not comfortable appearing in a video audio can be submitted. Or the story can be typed out to share on the additional blog I will create. I don't want anyone to feel pressured it's only if you're comfortable.,Normal +29135,"In the dream, he kept telling me to do it as he cut himself deeper and deeper in his arm. Then he said I’m gonna do it, all because of you too. You deserve to die, then at the end of the dream he kept holding me down to put a knife against my throat and said this is how it ends, just do it yourself.” I am also looking into talking to someone I can somewhat relate to on this, talking to your friends about this typically doesn’t help me. Thank you for listening.",Normal +29136,"I've also worked on expanding my resume to almost ridiculous standards for my age, doing anything and everything my parents would let me do, I became the president of a clubs and a member of 3 others, applied for and was accepted to a tuition-free program that lets me go to a college campus rather than my high school, have a 3.3 GPA and am working on raising it, and do occasional community service. The only thing that I need to do is get a job and save some money, but my parents have forbidden me from doing so. At the moment my prediction is to spend the year attending classes, applying for scholarships, and working during the day before couch hopping with a few friends for a month or 2 and spending the rest of the time staying in hostels when I can or sleeping on the streets when I can't before hopefully getting into college where I'll have a reliable bed. TL;DR: Working on boosting my resume, making friends that I can couch hop with for some time, and getting a paying job. Thanks for your time!",Normal +29137,"The warmth of the sun encapsulates you, and you welcome it, and feel it energizing you. You’re so tired. You want to stop swimming. When you’re close enough, you can see the blue sky, its image wavering back and forth at the surface of the water. You feel it, you see it, you want it, and you think you can finally have it.",Normal +29138,"I can't afford rent and my student loans on my income. Im planning on going back to school in Houston since UH is about $8500 a year for instate tuition which I can convince myself I can afford. Im just so sad and disappointed. This was never how my life was supposed to be but when your mom who's financially irresponsible (lightly put) and lets you go to a school that is $150K without even knowing it, I was basically doomed from the start and this is now my reality. Maybe Ill just kill myself before then so I don't have to face this life, because this has become too much to handle.",Stress +29139,"Even present-day situations where they are receiving love from a safe person can trigger the awareness and subsequent grief of knowing how unloved they were by comparison. Anxiety and depression are considered commonplace, but I suspect many of those who consider themselves anxious or depressed are actually experiencing the fallout of trauma. Most therapists are not well trained to handle trauma, especially the complex kind that stems from prolonged exposure to abuse. Unless they are specially certified, they might have had a few hours in graduate school on Cluster B personality disorders, and even fewer hours on helping their survivors. Many survivors of complex trauma are often misdiagnosed as having borderline personality disorder (BPD) or bipolar disorder.",Normal +29140,idk why I'm doing this. I guess I just am. Maybe it will help someone else. IDK... ,Normal +29141,am I writing it because it looks crazy or am I writing it because it's how i feel?~~ Maybe I can't word things clearly because it's my deepest thoughts. I'm going to try to write clearly because I feel like a fraud. I don't even know how to begin. I don't know the questions to ask.,Stress +29142,"No we do not have sex everyday, yes we both work, no its not a problem of the change. I should have said ""I'm usually successful 1 out of 4 times I attempt to initiate."" I just want to make sure that I am still crossing my i's and dotting my t's on my end or if I should ask her if there's any improvements I could make. --- **tl;dr**: Do most relationships die down in the bedroom after a while?",Normal +29143,"I have a friend whose recently been made homeless by her family who housed her for a while after the break up of a long term serious relationship. I’m an immigrant here so I don’t understand Texas’ thousands of ridiculous laws. However I want to know how I can help my friend out. She receives $600 a month child support for 3 children, and is currently a student (not enrolled for summer because of homeless situation) otherwise her only other income is FAFSA. We have tried all section 8 facilities in the north texas area and all have told us theres a 7-10 year waiting list.",Normal +29144,"I did not have this power as a child. Even as an adult, I still allowed the fear to crush me. Yoga and Meditation helped rid me of fear too. I spoke at a college about recovery a few years ago. I felt fear at that point but took my back up bag and gave myself permission to leave if needed.",Normal +29145,"She's talked about a restraining order, but I don't know what Amanda needs to do that or what's involved. Amanda is planning on living with us for a month or so before finding a new job and apartment nearby. I think she should stay longer for safety's sake, but that's up to her. Thanks for any input. We just want to help her; I don't want to forget anything that should be obvious.",Normal +29146,"I got out of an abusive relationship about three years ago. I had awful things happen to me before it, but it really was the absolute rock bottom. The man strangled me unconscious and beat me, and I wound up sleeping with a knife under my pillow, and then sleeping on the streets, constantly checking over my shoulder. But I got inpatient therapy and a network of supportive friends and I was all clear, and no contact with the guy whatsoever. I had a couple of nice flings, but after that I guess what I did was work on being alone and happy with it.",Normal +29147,"I’m on lamictal, Zoloft, and we just added Wellbutrin. A liver test showed that I metabolize SSRIs slowly so I’m wondering if serotonin is building up in my system? I told my doctor about it and she just said these are classic symptoms of anxiety. I disagree. Has anybody felt this way or had an experience with serotonin being too high?",Normal +29148,"If I could, I'd put security cameras all over his house so I can watch whatever he does and says. I don't even like him. I hate him, in fact- I've spent hours fantasizing about ways to kill him. When I was in high school, I picked routes that passed him and hung out in places he walked by. Does anybody know why I feel this way, or have any research on this type of behavior?",Stress +29149,"We have maids coming to do the scrubbing. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I stop at the end of a task? Idk what happens, but it's like I'm ""in the zone"" or something. My brain goes to autopilot and I find myself freaking out over the small things and losing focus on what I really need to do. Help!",Stress +29150,"There are also things he doesn't like. He doesn't like when my mom go out to go gamble with his money. He works his ass off everyday, gives her money to pay bills, and she constantly goes gambling with her friend. Yes I do know that my mom is wrong for that, but me and my siblings can't say or do anything as she is our mother. So they argue about these these things constantly every single day.",Stress +29151,"Then he slowly brought me back to the real world. Wow. I felt like in 7th heaven, I was able to dig deep and pull out those memories. My homework was to repeat my fav animals words until my next session, and this was just the starter. Next time we go deeper.",Normal +29152,"on to friends, I recently moved into my first apartment with my college roommate, her boyfriend, and another girl. I just feel lie everyone else in the house is so much closer and its really nerve wracking living with people in the first place especially because I know the boyfriend is a bit more reserved and having trouble adjusting i think to living with three girls. my roommate from last year is trying to be supportive but i know my low energy along with her own problems is sucking the life out of her som im trying not to bother her. in the past month, i've broken up with a creepy guy, taken my friend to the ER, constantly felt ignored because technology sucks and i'm left on read if i even try, an ex has obsessively messaged me, and then the whole issues with the friends also in the leadership of clubs with me. im just a fucking mess.",Stress +29153,"There are many events thaat I have PTSD from, but somehow, even though it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. it hleped. I had to write all the sensory details i could remember. As I went on, I remembered more and more. I wrote how I felt back then.",Normal +29154,"I'm scared to start the eviction process but I NEED to protect myself and my son. Hell, im even scared to ask this asshole to take the trash out. I don't know what to do. I feel like an empty shell of a person with no strength to get out of this mess. This is mostly a rant but does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement?",Stress +29155,"So often I feel like posting something personal, even a ""me too"" sort of comment on social media, relating to the abuse I went through when I was married (divorced 2 years now and moved far away), but every time I hold back because we have many friends in common, and I feel like speaking about my experiences would come across as badmouthing him in a public way and airing dirty laundry. I'll talk to people about it in person, or other private way, any time. I wish I felt like I could be more open about it. When I do make a post, like for domestic violence awareness month, I make it seem like I'm just posting in general, not necessarily about my own life, for example. But it all still feels like when I had to be so secretive about so many things, because he was so controlling.",Normal +29156,"I mean that type of behavior is just weird, I don't understand how someone can still hang out with their friends every day almost like theyre in high school. His job is kind of low demand (bartender and has an internship at an office) so i guess he just has a lot of free time... but still. What am I supposed to think? --- **tl;dr**: Boyfriend hangs out with his friends constantly and im worried this is a sign of immaturity.",Normal +29157,"I have started working on a youtube series about coping with and healing PTSD using movement therapy to find flow (hooping is my outlet). I am super excited to share this with you beautiful, strong, wonderful survivors, so please share this with anyone else who you think could benefit from this series💕 Wishing you well! Until next time, may peace love and light always be with you! [Journal Entry: January 18, Edit: formatting",Normal +29158,A nice laptop paired with a 5G hotspot from my phone and I’ll actually not be bored out of my wits end during the night. \- Get a proper set of wheels. After the end of October I’ll have to let the van sit at the shelter lot. At least I can use it for storage. I should start to look up prices for respectable used cars and insurance after I get the phone.,Normal +29159,"I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but I'm just curious how it went for most people who were diagnosed with PTSD. Over the past 2 years or so - since an event happened in my life that I can't ever forget about -, my anxiety has deepened a bunch. It's gotten to the point now where I regularly have nightmares about this event despite never remembering dreams, and any loud noise makes me want to cry, despite the fact I can't cry for the life of me. I have a few other things people commonly site, but I'd rather not talk about them here on reddit. I'm trying to gather the courage to see a professional about this, but for the time being I want to know how to went for you when you first thought you might have it - or if you even knew, for that matter.",Stress +29160,"Made her feel shitty. I understand. When my grandma was dying of Cancer, she kept forcing my grandma to undergo procedures and more chemo because she didn't want to lose her mother. Nevermind that wasn't my grandma's wishes and a slow all of her siblings were getting to the point of not wanting to subjected her to further treatments and just let her go, but not my mom. It's all about her.",Normal +29161,"I had an anxiety attack. When we returned home, I put my foot down. I told him that his behavior towards me was unacceptable; above all, as my (then future) husband, he needed to put my comfort and well-being above all other considerations as I did with him. He listening, apologized profusely, and we have not had any further issues with this. Until today.",Normal +29162,"Because not really. I would have survived, I always have before, I have gone three and four days without eating a single thing on dozens of occasions in the last fifteen years, and I will be fine. The guy is wonderful, and has helped me a great deal. But it felt like an intentional attempt to act like I am a burdensome charity case. I just don't know.",Stress +29163,"*edited out the father's name* six-year-old son K needs a bone marrow match to help him survive. K was born on Sept. 18, 2011. When he was first brought home, his parents believed their son was a healthy baby boy. A year into K's life all seemed well, but his health started to fail shortly after his first birthday. K was diagnosed with Dyskeratosis Congenita, which is also known as Zinsser-Engman-Cole syndrome.",Normal +29164,"It was terrible. I got pregnant again, after he forcibly took my birth control away, my 2nd son was born in Chile, I didn't realize once I had my child in Chile I couldn't leave with my son without the father's permission. I think that was part of his plan. I lived 4 years of brutal hell. I finally made it back home, in 2006 when one of the police officers who were called after he beat me, luckily was married to a woman who worked at the American Embassy, and they got me home within 2 weeks, with both my son's.",Stress +29165,"Then i start getting jaw aches and collarbone pain or back pain and I have been to A+E several times and every time I am healthy bar one time i had a chest wall muscle inflammation. Then of course these pains panic me and the cycle goes on for hours. I just want to know why this happens and if I can help it but doctors dont listen to me just say ""well we can up your doseage or put you back on those pills that knocked you out but ruined your functioning life"" Does anyone else get similar things? And how do you deal with doctors that just dont care.",Normal +29166,I’ve quit weed. I’ve started having nightmares again. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (finally) and am working very little to try to get through this all. Now I’ve gone no contact with my dad and Tim as well. Dad never really respected this (as he never agrees with my views about what I need) Sent an email to Tim last November informing him that I can’t be around him anymore.,Stress +29167,"So I pursued him, invited him to come out drinking with our friend group a couple times and slept with him early on. We continued sleeping with each other and I guess fell into a FWB situation (though he wanted us to be exclusive and we were). In the beginning it was mostly us going out to bars and me coming to his house to have sex. We got on really well and it wasn't just a sex thing, but it seemed like it wasn't going to turn into a relationship and I was fine with that. Mostly because he didn't seem really concerned with it.",Normal +29168,"It did still worry me a little though. Then last night, I rushed to a doctor because I was getting severe chest pains and my heart was beating so fast. And today I've just been getting so many of my old symptoms back. Trouble breathing, choking sensations, weird body aches...you name it. I can't help but feel I've somehow taken two steps backward after doing so well.",Stress +29169,"I need information. As emotional as I am right now, I know I'm not thinking straight and am probably missing something as I research on my own. Any advice, any info, any resource, or organizations that I can apply to to help pay for this is greatly appreciated. I'm in Kansas if that helps... Thank you.",Stress +29170,"A few weeks ago I found some notes of hers open at our computer. She had written questions to ask for a psychic reading or some such(she's into that stuff). One of them was, ""is this guy worth pursuing?"" ""This guy"" refers to an online friend from out of state she had been having extensive conversations with, which we had talked about not long before, and of course she labeled him as ""just a friend"", albeit him growing more and more fascinated with her. I offered an open relationship, partly because I had entertained the idea before, but mostly to de-escalate what could be a relationship ending event.",Normal +29171,Trash cans and bags are a thing. There are so many places to throw trash away. If you can’t get up out of your a lazy person. As for being hard it is absolutely. But if you can just focus for a year you can do anything.,Normal +29172,"He wasn't ambitious or motivated anymore, he was sad, depressed, always pessimistic and never really doing any work. I ended up not only doing all development work, but also our social, PR and leg work as well here in NYC making relationships. This lead him to feel more left out I am assuming. Many times he has decided to hinder the business due to reasons related to what I mentioned. For instance, one time we were creating an ad for a campaign we were running for the app.",Normal +29173,"I want to talk about this because I have no support group, and my wife can't handle much more. My uncle lives very close to me in NH. I want to get a news station to take my story but they say it was to long ago. I will be posting more under the title My hope is you will read this comment, and maybe it's happened to you.",Stress +29174,"I feel really guilty over it. I know part of the problem may be how much I've repressed and can't feel, but... I don't know, I feel I've exaggerated so much. I haven't been having nightmares, and my ""flashbacks"" don't feel like flashbacks so much as ""regressive anxious states."" I can think of the trauma I've been through and talk about it, but it doesn't feel like anything disturbing.",Normal +29175,"So I tried posting a similar post last week and had technical difficulties so here it goes. I think I’m going to do this chronologically— High school: I become close to someone who will become known as one of my best friends. Let’s call her Jessie. I want to pursue a friendship because Jessie is a strong independent woman mature beyond her years, has a sassy Latina attitude, and we have the same sense of humor.",Normal +29176,"The worst situations were forcing me to make a statement I knew was untrue (in order to allow me to get ready for work); becoming sexually rough and chasing me into another room to force himself on me, and rages where I’ve felt threatened. These things have ruined my trust and love for him over time. The controls and double standards that are in place are extensive. So why do I still feel conflicted about leaving? I guess I need an extra push.",Stress +29177,I bought a few dozen of them. Tomorrow I'll try and stop by the dollar store for some extra things. I'm going to my city's downtown area right after I go to the store. Thank you to the kind person who gave me gold. **,Normal +29178,"I had no more than three consecutive appointments with each specialist before being shifted away to a different department, then being put on a 3-6 month waiting list. I eventually got a new psychologist who admitted after four sessions he didn't have a clue what to do with me, so I quit seeking treatment for a year. I've since attempted treatment again and was referred to CBT despite my protests. After two half hour sessions, they decided to refer me back to psychology. I've been on a waiting list for the past 4 months and am beginning to lose hope.",Stress +29179," We've known each other for 9 years, were FWB for about 3 years, then moved into the committed monogamous relationship we're in now, and have been in for 2 years. I've really enjoyed everything about our relationship, as she's taught me more than anyone ever has, and has been the best at putting up with any and all things that have come up. About halfway through the first year, she began asking if I'd ever be okay with her experimenting with a girl, or if I'd ever consider her having other sex friends. She doesn't want serious relationships with them, she only wants to bang. Having never been asked that in any of my previous relationships, I told her I wasn't sure and that were I ever 100% on board with that idea, I'd let her know.",Normal +29180,"They discharged me. I told a nurse at a health clinic though, where I got sutured, that I just can't deal with the PTSD anymore, and I feel awful on this injection of flupentixol. I'm suicidal. I'm suicidal, and I keep thinking I should just go through with it this time. But this is a cry for help: what should I do?",Stress +29181,"She used the money from her moms house to buy her own. That was a couple weeks in a hotel, but we thought it was strong of her to be able to leave her abusive husband, and purchase a house so quickly. BACKSTORY LEADING TO: Right about 3 months ago, my petty cash came up missing ($200.00). I reported it immediately.",Normal +29182,"I will browse a book on a subject that I want or need to study, research it, think about how it's going to be, then when the time for studying comes, I'm thinking about something else. Sometimes I spend the day thinking about that hardcore workout I'm gong to do in the evening, and then I spend the whole workout session thinking about something else. Sometimes even when I'm talking to people I like I realize my mind will wander. Does anyone feel these things? Do you think it's related to anxiety, or do I have ADHD or something else?",Stress +29183,"I've been in therapy (and will go back soon now) but I've never had to practice harm reduction around self harm--I need practical advice. I know that because I've never felt so out of control than last night when I was hitting myself. TL;DR I got drunk last night, destroyed my room, and hit myself on the head hard enough to give myself welts for the first time in my adult life. I need advice on not doing this self harm crap.",Stress +29184,"Her name was Chinook. I wasn't there. Edit--the vet suspected she had a bad heart. We had to move to find work, back in our home province of Ontario. I'm working (moved suddenly because I had an interview at a job I knew I would get), and he's already done an interview, despite not being here for more than a few days.",Normal +29185,"I'm building a school PC. My current laptop lags when doing Excel intensive work, which sucks for my chemistry lab work, so it definitely doesn't have much processing power. I'm not sure what the exact specs I need are, but I know that my i3 processor in my laptop doesn't cut it. I've been collecting PC parts to build my own and so far I have a low-tier processor (it'll need upgrading eventually, but is okay for now), a monitor, a graphics card, a power supply, a mouse and a keyboard. So I just need a case, motherboard, RAM, and a hard drive.",Normal +29186,"Short-end is, my brain is using physical disorders like seizures, because my brain has had enough and gone AWOL. On top of this, I have these events where I black out. Time stops, or happens differently for me. I have flashes, seeing things not there and that sort. The other night, the girlfriend and I are walking and I am seeing the sky light up, and hearing screaming.",Stress +29187,"For a while now, I have been getting very little sleep. Maybe an hour or two at the most every night. I’m exhausted throughout the day despite being at work surrounded by very enthusiastic people 6 days a week. Yet when i get home and I’m alone, I can’t sleep even though i am so tired. My worries and my stress is constantly nagging me.",Stress +29188,"For the past 15 years I have had some frantic events happen in my life which I did not think effected me that badly. About 5 years ago I started feeling small signs of PTSD but just brushed it off like it wasn’t a real thing until it just kept getting worse and eating away at me, until I realized enough is enough. I thought maybe I have PTSD but then I would contradict myself and say that it’s not real and I don’t have it which would make me feel worse. I’m finally getting help and yesterday for the first time in 15 years I have officially by a doctor been diagnosed with PTSD, it’s weird to say this but for the first time ever I felt a sigh of relief like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.",Normal +29189,"I am writing a novel, based on my experience in an abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend. However, its not a precise retelling, partially for my safety, but also because I want to tell not just my story but others' stories as well. Part of what makes good writing is having small specific details and the little stories that make up the novel as a whole. This is why I was hoping that, if you are interested, you could send me stories of your experiences in an abusive relationship - whatever detail you choose to send, it doesn't have to be anything ""epic"" and ""grand,"" it could be the smallest segment that you hold significance to. If you have any questions about what I'm looking for, let me know - though I'm really looking for anything!",Normal +29190,"According to the sheriffs department, I have rights because I help support the household and I receive mail at this address. Thing is, I just have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do. I've asked friends and the few family members I have, but to no avail. Help, please? EDIT: I FIXED THINGS AND WE ARE BACK TOGETHER!",Normal +29191,I can have it in front of me and still overthink and ask my self over and over. Any advice or opinions? Thanks. P.S. I don’t suffer a lot when I’m busy at work or with friends.,Stress +29192,"I live in a high end building and I feel if I were to talk to the people who work in the office they wouldn’t take my name off the lease, that they wouldn’t care. I have told a couples therapist and my individual therapist the things he has done in the past, and what he says to me and his actions. I believe they would vouch for me. I also think if I were to say to the office people that I would like to leave before a real scene is made (cops being called, screaming, damage, etc) that they will be more inclined to take my name off lease. Thoughts?",Stress +29193,"Summa summarum: I got attacked by two guys, without any provcation. My nose broke, so even if i didn't want to make a charge, the police automatically makes a charge since it's agravated assault, since a bone broke -this is the law here-. I don't really want to talk much about it, because it ""triggers"" me. So, one day my phone rings, and a police officer called me, that i need to go to the police station to a so called ""confrontation"". I was like what?",Stress +29194,"We've been through so much. This is easily the toughest break up I've ever had; my other relationships were very easy to get over. **TL;DR** I broke up with my bf who had anger issues, financial issues, drug and alcohol issues, depression and anxiety, and unresolved feelings from a gf that died in a car crash 1 year before he met me. But his good qualities where he was considerate, loyal, caring, honest, gentlemanly and supportive is what makes me miss him. Especially his good-bye text.",Stress +29195,"My mom was not a very good emotional support for my dad. He is very sensitive and touchy-feely, whereas she will take something at face value and not pick up on subtleties. I think they had a somewhat loveless marriage, and my dad turned to me as an emotional outlet at some point in my early teens. He would spend hours talking to me about lessons on morality, his suffering at the hands of my insensitive/clueless mom, and his love of all things romantic and sensual. Mixed in here, there was some kind of pervy behavior.",Normal +29196,"Oh fucking boy! My ex boyfriend made me think he was Prince Charming, but then it turned out he was just an asshole who wanted to date my ex bully/stalker. She is JUST like me because she was obsessed with me for one and a half years. She is a prettier me, so instead of leaving me like a normal person, he abused me and used his incredibly strong narcissism to make every problem I had about him. He tried to make me dump him so his plan would all correlate.",Stress +29197,"I am SO PISSED just because i look tired and wearing dirty clothes doesnt mean Im up to no good. I have already filed a complaint with the bbb, attorney general, called my bank to see if i can get that money back. Im thinking while Im stuck here, to contact the local news paper. This man and his housekeeper wife, whom I forgot to add, called me a ""skank"" Im dead serious. So i was falsely accused and insulted, and had my money robbed.",Stress +29198,"I have had SAD for about five years and in those times I tried so many things to ease the anxiety. You know, like medication, therapy, desensitising, etc. None of those seemed to do me any good. However, for the past year I have been working out nearly everyday and my anxiety has been alleviated A LOT. I can't exaggerate it, it just really chills me out.",Normal +29199,"Until just a bit before I decide to move to that other city I've been thinking about moving to, I guess. Actually, I was told that it's cleared by cops every month, and I remember a flashlight being shined on me last month when I was too stoned to completely wake up (at least not so slowly) or to see whether it was a cop. Maybe it's the right kind of cop and I look the the kind of person they don't feel any need to bother for being here. This is more of an /r/randomthoughts post for me, but I'm putting it here because it's relevant.",Normal +29200,"She's been attack free for months now. There seems to be a downside to this though, our relationship is taking a turn for the worst. The doctor said one of the side effects would be a loss of sex drive, which I understood and was ok with as long as it helped her. Lately though she's been just colder to me. We had a talk the other day and she says she still loves me, but more as a friend.",Normal +29201,"She is such a very good girl. All I have to offer is $300 for her return or direct information leading to her return. These are some pictures of her: Roo, Chihuahua mix 12lbs Missing 9/28/18 Thank you for reading and please give your animals a big hug. Edit to add: I'm going to the Humane Society tomorrow, they were already closed tonight.",Normal +29202,"### Unforeseen Consequences and Social Blind Spots I did think of [my abuser's first name] as a stranger. I was a naive, 14-year-old kid that saw him as a potential new friend. Only in recent years have I realised how he coerced me into trusting him enough so I would visit him. I’m certainly not proud of making myself vulnerable in this way, but why am I even considering how I might have contributed to my own sexual abuse?",Normal +29203,"I work as a security guard at a busy office building and everytime i make eye contact with my people I can literally see them shuddering inside. It probably down to the fact I have an intense stare and tend to stare in people's too eyes long,but I don't know what the social etiquette is ,what do you do when you're walking along a corridor and you bump into someone you just said hi to a few seconds ago, what do you do when you turn around and unintentionally lock eyes with a work colleague. Please someone help,teach my how to make normal eye contact in social situations. It's getting to the point now where work colleagues are going out their way to avoid making eye contact with me. Please help",Stress +29204,"And I hated him too. I had dreams of him stabbing me in the chest. Eventually I went to my mum, essentially I wanted out, him or me, like a stroppy teenager, and I made her tell me what was going on. He'd been making death threats, this time, and the last time too. He'd kill us all because we'd held him back.",Stress +29205,"She keeps using the phrase ""right now"". Whenever I ask her about us she says ""right now, no, but in the future who knows?"" I decided to put no contact measures into place as I could not give her what she wants while staying in contact with her. As much as it pained me to stop talking to her, I know that I need to do this for her as well as for myself. When this happened she was bawling over the phone, but she never questioned it.",Normal +29206,"I’d decided to include them because they can either be used or not, but would be interested to hear people's thoughts. I’ll be going out this weekend to pass them out, there are unfortunately quite a few people sleeping on our high street so I had planned to give them to the first four people I came across. I assume it would be best to just say “Hi” and explain what’s in the bag and take it from there? I imagine people on the streets get a lot of abuse so I’m a bit worried about approaching someone in case they think I’m a twat. Also if someone is asleep, I assume it would be best to just leave a bag for them rather than wake them up to see if they wanted it?",Normal +29207,"I've stayed up at night hearing them quietly talk about things they can't pay right now, trying to figure out the order to deal with debts, what they can do to make this Christmas feel like normal. The only thing I know right now is that I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know where my dad will live if he has to sell what he and my mother worked so hard for over the years. I don't know where my siblings and I will go if we run into troubles. I don't even know if my family will be able to afford any sort of funeral right now.",Stress +29208,"I've been with my girlfriend since I was I was 16, and there are no real problems. For the past few months, I don't find myself enjoying being around her anymore, enjoy talking to her, or wanting to do anything ""special"" in general like I used to. I'm not interested in anybody else by any means. She has helped me with a lot, would do anything or me, and has never done anything to hurt me or cheated. She's the best partner you could ask for, but even still when she talks I don't want to listen.",Normal +29209,"One of my flatmates has started distancing herself from me and I don't know what to do. I've never experienced this before as I've never really had a friendship this close with someone before. We used to see each other multiple times a day, when we were both in the flat we used to spend loads of time in each other's rooms just chilling and chatting. But recently she's been spending more time with other people rather than me. Before today I don't think I saw her for about a week which is crazy considering how close we were and that we live under the same roof.",Stress +29210,Laundry. Lots of it. With my ass still against the door I grab the overflowing laundry basket. Overturn it. Sit on the fucking thing.,Stress +29211,All I can do is think about how bad finals are going to be. I hate it so much. I'm going to be so tired. I'm going to fail. My grades are so low I have to do great to keep them above passing.,Stress +29212,"But we didn't talk about it the morning after, and life went on. Over the next year, we would continue to stay up late at house parties or whatever the occasion was (until 3, 4, 5 AM) about once a month, and just talk and talk and talk, until we inevitably hooked up. Keep in mind he was still dating someone else. Eventually during one of these moments, I worked up the courage to indirectly get a pulse on his feelings. More or less, he said he thinks about me multiple times a day, which was different from anyone else he ""dated"" prior.",Normal +29213,"I didn't want any of this.. I literally had NO CHOICE in ANY of this!!! If I didn't have kids I would not be here, 100%. I pray every night that I would just die in my sleep... then LOL no sleep, no death, just lots of screaming in my head and ruminating anxious thoughts, bad memories on top of bad memories. THIS is hell.",Stress +29214,"I was walking to a class when someone behind me at their locker dropped their stuff. I went into a panic and I started reliving the trauma. After it went away, I told my friends about it outside of class. In response, they started jokingly throwing things at the ground (including some of my stuff). I started crying in the middle of class, but no one noticed.",Stress +29215,"This means I also found it never quit heroine, but it was doing drugs behind my back. I even asked one time if it still did drugs and it lied to my face. However, it also had the audacity to question my loyalty and asked if i was hanging out with it to entertain my friends. What kind of time do you think I have... Figured out it was a covert narc abuser down to a T.",Normal +29216,"I asked him how he's doing to fund this, if there are any bursaries and if so, how much these are, but he never gives a clear answer. --- **tl;dr**: Boyfriend is unemployed, looking for 'perfect' job until he starts his Medicine degree, unsure how he will fund this degree. I resent him for poor financial judgement and day-time chilling. How to change this?",Stress +29217,"Edit 1: No car also. She doesn't have a job. Again, should she get a job after the baby is born? Or will she be better off leeching from the government? It may be selfish, but I am not against being a leech and getting every penny in assistance I can, until I am able to do otherwise.",Normal +29218,"I'm new to this so please forgive me. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions. I need advice/help. I was molested multiple times by my biological dad when I was 5 up until middle school (so like 10 yrs old). After many times in the past telling my mom that my dad had ""touched me weird"" my mom had gotten annoyed and mad at me.",Stress +29219,Went to my first survivors of incest mtg yesterday. Sexually abused between 4/5-8/9. Have been crying for the last 3 hours and can’t think of anything else except how lonely and how much of a failure I’ve become. I’ve been in therapy since 19 but hadn’t disclosed to ANYONE about the sexual abuse by my two brothers. Then I was forced to disclose to my therapist the truth about the abuse when one of the brothers reached out to me one random day saying he wanted to perform sexual acts on me.,Stress +29220,Since over the summer he has became homeless and gotten into drugs. He was living in his car and I was jogging one evening he approached me and he confronted me. I was so scared I kind of just stood there and he was insulting me and calling me every name in the book. He tried to get me to use my phone so he can call my mom and I denied his request. He said that if I don't let him use my phone he's going to stab.,Stress +29221,"Hi this is my first post here. I have complex PTSD which I have only just been diagnosed with, prior to this they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorders and bipolar which are now not correct. I believe this diagnosis is finally correct and a month ago I decided to reduce my sertraline medication as i am paying for therapy and my medication will effect my treatment. (UK only help PTSD sufferers who have been in armed forces or medical). My therapy involves a lot of therapy, mindfulness, meditation and we will be beginning emdr shortly.",Normal +29222,"She never disclosed any of this to me, and probably never would have if the embassy hadn't discovered it first. In her words, she was afraid I would lose all interest in her if I found out she was married before. Truth be told, I likely would have, as I was still young when we first met. She claims she left that husband because of the abuse she received from him and his relatives ((still lived with his parents)). I was crushed at that time, as we had only been married for about a month.",Normal +29223,"Whats the chances of his employer asking for his certificate randomly? I feel like he cant apply to other jobs at more prestigious companies. As someone who who tried very hard to get her degree and succeeded, his lack of care and access to these jobs undermines my work. I cant shake this feeling. Advice?",Normal +29224,Eventually crazyass went flat out nuts and kicked both me and it boy out. We were now homeless. And we started hanging out with a friend of mine who was also in that situation. We'll call this guy Wolf. Wolf had a thing for this girl named S. S was one of those types who cheated on her boyfriend constantly.,Normal +29225,"You will be to, you may be 2 years, 5 years, maybe even longer, from escaping it, but please, just trust me. It can and will get better. You'll get out of it Don't lose sight of the potentially massive amount of time you'll get in happiness and meaning compared to the few years you'll spend in this nightmare. Feel free to dm me if anyone wants to talk. (the reason this is posted on an alt account is by the off chance it gains any traction, I do not want this out for family to potentially see until I've left here.)",Normal +29226,"Hey all! I'm in San Diego CA and about 2 years ago I was diagnosed with lupus nephritis. I haven't had the most stable care and have had to move all over the country just to maintain safety. Most recently, my mother who I have a very rough (to say the least) relationship with said she would help take care of me financially as I cannot work right now. Well for some reason this last month my mom just stopped paying my rent which led to eviction.",Stress +29227,Sure enough she always sends us home. Every Wednesday I feel intense dread. I'm afraid to go into work the next day. A few of u may remember but just about a week ago I contemplated suicide. I always have anxiety and sadness.,Stress +29228,"Hi. So, my husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. I've tried to leave several times but he threatens to kill himself if I do, by crashing his car or running into traffic. However, I have nowhere to go even if I do. My family dosent want/can't afford to have me live with them again.",Stress +29229,"I have Bipolar 1 disorder and CPTSD. I literally overwhelm LCSWs and MFts with my symptoms. They have no idea where to begin - because it isn't their expertise - they are generalists! When I was able to choose my provider, I could choose someone who specializes in CPTSD or Bipolar 1. I could do DBT, EMDR, or Somatic Experiencing.",Stress +29230,"It is completely anonymous, and you can choose to opt out at any time. At the end of the survey, please select “Fitzgerald Wilkins” when prompted for the name of the student who gave you this survey. If you know anyone else who might be interested in taking this survey, we ask that you please pass it on to them as well. Thank you for your time. ",Normal +29231,"One instance was last year when I graduated from college. There was something in me that couldnt believe and accept that I’m finally done with college. Fast forward to today, next week will mark my 1st year anniversary at work. Part of me wants to enjoy it with my parents, co-workers, and friends but another part of me wants to just forget about it and spend it as an ordinary day. Anything I should do?",Normal +29232,"I was the designated driver for my parents and grandmother at Greek restaurant that was having a private wine tasting. There was some belly dancer there and for whatever fucking reason my mom started telling me to go dance with her. I told her I didn't want to, she kept pushing me. When my answers did not satisfy her, she called the belly dancer over and told her to dance with me. I froze up briefly then just fucking left the restaurant.",Stress +29233,"The weird feeling hasn't gone away; but I feel slightly better because I can donate stuff to a kid (completely unknown to me); his family is having financial struggles. My furniture will go to people dealing with abuse (most probable) and I guess my clothes will too. There's the weird feeling again! :) Anyway, thanks for reading, and I apologize if I'm posting something that's not allowed.",Normal +29234,"I am doing a research topic on social media and its influence on people, specifically on politics and would like you to spend a minute or two to fill out this form for me, it shouldn't take long This will be used in a paper that is assigned for a writing course I am taking. Really appreciated, thanks! Edit: Thank you all for the responses.",Normal +29235,"There was not a single thing in my life i got addicted to , i was smoking when i was in teens one day i just woke up and said im done didnt light a cig since that day. I decided not to drink anymore ( like weekly or so i drink on occasions ) had no problems with that too... I am normal person i am not looking for something to get high and ease my worries and i wont dwell in that. I am just trying to give less efforts sometimes i just need a break. Is xanax really that bad?",Normal +29236,"no one can diagnose me with PTSD because it is not! i don''t know if this is a OCD thing? if i have a multitude of things on my mind or other milder worries i seem to be fine but when my brain is quiet and worry-less it seems i involuntary remind myself of the ''dissociative flashback'' which starts a cycle of psychological drowning and feelings of detachment as well as depressive feelings. this is all because of one thing in the past, my life would be 100x better if this was gone heck i would DO anything to get rid of this forever! meds have helped it occur less frequently but it is still the same severity.",Stress +29237,"This was literally the first meal I've had with other people in nearly a year. This couple was young enough to be my children and I could picture myself in their situation which I pray will never happen, but if it does I would really hope someone would buy me some food every once in a while. The guy seemed a bit sheepish, but the woman seemed a bit more comfortable with being homeless. They seemed like decent enough people and I don't regret buying them food, but towards the end of our meal the woman said something to the guy about getting home by midnight. But I thought they were homeless!?!",Normal +29238, am a married 26 yo father of one. About two years ago I left my job to start a business with a childhood friend of mine and his brother. It ended horribly with them taking out the funds for the company from a joint account and leaving me penniless. As a result I moved with my family into my mother's home to get back on my feet. My relationship with her has never been good but it was the only option at the time so I ground my teeth and did the best to make it work.,Normal +29239,"My mom [54F] has catered to his every need since marriage, and although she complains about it constantly, she still goes along with it. Although he uses his anger to attempt to show others ""he's the boss"" and can order them around, I believe he's a weak coward inside who loses all control when he becomes afraid or upset (I'll provide examples below). There are some events concerning him that have occurred throughout my life that have caused me to come to resent him (and my mom too sort of): From as far back as I can remember, to this day (although it's much less now), my parents have had screaming matches. My dad's face turning red and spit flying, as he yells and often curses at the top of his lungs to my mom, and her crying and screaming back.",Normal +29240,She has $40 dollars in her pocket. She did graduate from high school. She has stayed with different friends for the last year but has used up her welcome. She has no where else to turn. What is her best possible move to do in this situation?,Normal +29241,"He turns it on first thing in the morning and turns it on the moment he gets home from work at night to play until midnight or later. Any free moment he has is spent playing this game. I'm a stay at home mom so I really look forward to talking to him, he's usually the only adult I talk to face to face during the week. Plus I love talking with him and spending time with him anyways, that's why I married him! Back when this all started, I told him that I needed him to spend more time with his kids and I.",Stress +29242,"He didn't talk to me for a few days, and told me he needed some space. He ended up talking to her and it worked out because she actually got a raise in the city that we're both from, and her manager begged her to stay and work there. He decided he didn't want to be mad and brought me coffee this morning and talked about it with me. I told him that he could date this girl when we broke up, and I couldn't control that but I don't like them living together so soon after we break up. He told me that after a year and a half one fight isn't so bad.",Normal +29243,as a result hes put his hands on me. He keeps saying im crazy not respecting his space where i keep asking for things to be amicable over and over. he tells me its my fault that everytime hes done anything to me its because i started it. I honestly dont know if its true. Because i kept trying to tell him leave me alone.,Stress +29244,"Except now, the boyfriend's taken up drinking as he did before and has fallen back into his verbal and physically abusive habits. I'm not willing to take this anymore and I honestly fear for my safety when he has these psychotic mood swings. I have nowhere to go, though. No family or friends in this area and honestly, the area my family does live in was a ""living with druggies"" situation I do not want to be forced back into. I don't know what to do.",Stress +29245,"She went through a very rough patch about a year ago and her mental health was clearly affected, she was living out of her car, she had left an abusive bf and then she had a crash in her car. For some reason she decided to go to Romania for treatment. I only heard from her sporadically. Once she called me and let slip that she had been raped as well as hit, drugged, something about a court case, and whay sounded to me like a lot of paranoia about mafia and government. I put this down to ptsd from her abuse.",Normal +29246,"I feel like I just keep digging a hole for myself, and its my fault I'm in there. With work I get emails about updates to projects and I usually these days don't reply, and submit what I have worked on minutes prior to my meetings. Which always results in a pissed off boss really. Then I feel even worse and my ocd comes back telling me that I'm a horrible person and everyone hates me. Its a weird tick, I don't know how to describe it.",Stress +29247,"Over the past 6 years I've settled into a career that I'm really good at. Unfortunately I've had a slew of bosses that I had trouble dealing with. One of my biggest issues is that I'm prone to making small mistakes. They're not catastrophic, but they happen more often than I'd like. I've had supervisors that get really annoyed over these small mistakes, and they make me feel like my job is on the line.",Stress +29248,It was a bit cringe because she was acting just too over the top. But I did give her the benefit of the doubt because that could have just been her character. However the things she were saying were very icky for my liking and I was uncomfortable about 10 minutes in. It’s very vague in my mind as it was a while ago but what I remember was that She said “ I hope you dont mind Harry cuddling me when I’m poorly and when we Netflix and chill” and “what are WE doing Friday?” (Me and Harry arranged a date night as we were both off work and college on this day. ) I remember looking at harry and kind of giving him a confused WTF look.,Normal +29249,"My sister told me yesterday that my dad violently abused her as a child. She also said that my dad was about to punch me in me the face when I was 10 years old (and she was 14) and she rescued me. My mum, stood by and did nothing, for some reason. I don't remember. My sister was an angry kid and she said her experiences sent her into a depression for about ten years.",Normal +29250,"So I've recently started having anxiety attacks where it becomes hard to breathe, with the subject regarding many topics, mainly obsessing about relationships and government bureaucracies that I have to handle lately, and mainly where my life is going. I feel kind of lost. My spouse and I live in a war-torn country full of people trying to rip you off any chance they get, everyone is rude and generally don't fit the way I've been brought up, everything is expensive and the stress is beyond measure here. Not how we were brought up. We're waiting for me and her to finish college so we can get out of here and move to a civilized nation elsewhere.",Stress +29251,"Can you contribute your story alongside others who have been/ are going through recovery? I am developing a storytelling and mental health platform with the ultimate aim of curating a museum exhibition. Soul relics Museum is a platform for people to read and tell stories of mental health through objects that help them connect or express to a present or past experience they have had with their mental health. It’s a unique and creative idea to help people come forward and share with others what mental health problems have been like for them and a safe and constructive way to read of others experiences while being brave enough to share your own. Together, we can create a collective voice in raising awareness and education on mental health!",Normal +29252,"She Actually gave me 2 months to find a place to live before she was gonna kick me out but i couldn't find any and Friday is the last day of those 2 months. I don't have a car, or any friends that'll let me stay with them. In total , i have about 600 bucks . Maybe i could use that money to gtfo of Minnesota. Maybe i could buy a gun and shoot myself idk .",Stress +29253,"I started noticing her internet behavior more over the past few months and it's been kind of bothering me. My girlfriend is a very intelligent and mature person, but when she gets online it's like she acts totally different. For one, she sends me screencaps of her ""trolling"" people. I mean, trolling? She's almost 30.",Normal +29254,He was happy and loving as usual. He still speaks with his father on a weekly basis and says he is not a bad man. He states he deserved a lot of the abuse he received. He also does not think poorly of the men that sexually abused him. He is the type of person that sees the good in everyone even if they don't deserve it.,Normal +29255,"It sorta works, but I don't like the feeling of being deadheaded. I also don't have a good relationships with doctors considering I was misdiagnosed with bipolar as a teen and given lithium... Had a terrible reaction to it. What are some more natural remedies or self-help you all do to keep yourself in the proper mindset to calm your triggers? I've started meditation and taking CBD oil (which work great, but kinda expensive), but it doesn't seem to be enough. I just want to start living and be able to enjoy life.",Stress +29256,"Fast foward almost a year later.. My mom begs me to let stepfather move back in with us (Im 16, paying a lot of the bills while my mom parties, leaving me to watch my 2 little brothers.). Well, I say f*ck it because she'll probably do it anyway. Two months after he moves in, I was raped by the person I was dating at the time.. I was a virgin. I cried and begged him to stop.",Stress +29257,"Deep breathing, reminding myself that I'm just irrationally panicking, promising myself to take it step by step, analyzing the emotional baggage I've placed on this paper. For weeks now, it's been sitting on my computer, mocking me. It's late, and I'm slowly loosing motivation to even try. Can anyone help? I really want to try and edit the paper into something worth reading without feeling like I can't breathe.",Stress +29258,"I came to realize later - and I denied it, basically just calling it a celebrity crush and nothing more - that I was in love with this musician. Totally in love, but here's the thing: in love with the idea of him I had created, from interviews and blog posts and the music itself. It was deeper than a crush, I know that. Then came whispers that he had a girlfriend. He had stopped whining about being single on Twitter and seemed happier.",Normal +29259,"Someone else’s suffering ensued. I feel immense sadness and guilt now. I am confronted by the memories and the recognition that to this day the experience became part of who I am. It made me stronger, as facing fear and trauma can do. But I also internalized a sense of profoud fear and vulnerability.",Stress +29260,"You can watch the video before you leave! Funny, I never did get to see that video. Neither did anyone else. Call me Cass. What I didn't see coming: my caseworker got pissed that I missed a meeting and didn't bother getting me a bus pass.",Normal +29261,"So I have been suffering from chronic anxiety for eight years.The kind where you feel some enemy is breathing down on your neck always.I don't want to get into the details of this matter because it's is very personal. But from the beginning of this anxiety my breathing got messed up. Like I was alternating my breathing between hyperventilation and shallow breathing through out the day for all these years. During these last five years I have suffered bone TB, now stomach gastritis for three years,also found out I have recurring kidney stones in my left kidney.Before all this begun I was relatively healthy without any complicated disease like bone tb or stomach gastritis. So it seems to me this long chronic anxiety and the resulting hyperventilation and shallow breathing and high blood pressure did make my immune system rather weak or damaged.",Stress +29262,"I know I only have around 18 comment karma due to lurking or upvoting/downvoting more than commenting but my total reddit karma is almost 1500 so I hope that says something. If you can just send even 1 or 2 dollars let me know and I can pm my paypal request link since that's the only way I know of getting anything without a big big charity site link. We really appreciate it and next paycheck I can even try and pay some people back if they need! None of us really have family to ask because of different reasons (SO's parents disowned her, Roommate's mom is distant and disapproving and an alcoholi, my mother is disabled and lives on disability with my 13 yo brother, my aunts etc are all stingy or distant). We also have no vehicle to get to any other food bank atm other than the one two roads away (hour or so walk) that has a 30+ day wait.",Normal +29263,"Wish me luck homies. EDIT: I GOT THE JOB! and they are going to pay more than I asked for. I think the hiring manager figured out I was homeless when she asked about dependable transportation and my place of residence, I've never had an interview where they ask ""and you have a place to live?"" That was the only question I stumbled on, so that might have given an inclination that I am homeless.",Normal +29264,"I found the situation odd at first but because he was drunk, it was ordinary. He was sitting in his truck nearby watching me. Then later I heard something hit my rv hard and in fear of my life I rushed to call police. He fled and police chased after him. Not to my surprise he talked them off and broke in again the next night but that time I was home, he broke the door down and threatened to kill me if I called the police again.",Normal +29265,"I do not want to hurt anybody. The therapist says it is self punishment, that I want these people to tell me what a piece of shit I am to verify what I already believe. But I never ever think of it like that at the time. I feel better if they are kind, and ambivalent or a tiny bit worse if they are cold and clinical. If it is unconscious, well I am getting sick of that idea.",Stress +29266,"To make a long story short I suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD due to past abuse since I was pretty young and recently had to move back home due to a traumatic event/mental health making it hard for me to survive on my own. This has made it very hard for me to be able to work/make money and support myself so my mother (being the kind woman she is) has helped out in feeding me but we're both low on food now and I feel horribly guilty and responsible. I'm trying every option I have out of desperation (this and a few other subreddits) and in the process of applying for assistance. Until then things are gonna be rough. If anyone can help out in ANY way I will really appreciate it.",Stress +29267,"Obviously this was a horrible idea--I would chase off perfectly lovely people who may have stayed had I waited to disclose at a more natural pace, and it gave the people who *did* hang around a false sense that they knew me more intimately than they did. I've started seeing someone recently. I haven't been excited about someone in a long time, but I'm excited about this one. I've mentioned very vaguely that I live with PTSD and ""blah blah childhood trauma, et cetera"". This weekend was a tough one.",Normal +29268,"The langar runs off donated food, money, and volunteers. This is a great place for food and renourishing of the soul. I don't mean religiously. I mean just connecting with fellow human beings. Beyond the physical, being homeless is very rough emotionally and mentally.",Normal +29269,"Even if people experience mental health differently, this reeks of toxic character. He is convinced he needs to stick around, avoid change, see this through, that eventually she’ll “go back to how she was before” (whatever that means) and that he’ll keep trying to make it work. The typical “I can fix this” response that colours victims of abusive partners - and having been one, it is especially demoralizing to see him having to go through this for the sake of avoiding both change and a failed marriage. What can I do to help him, besides support him emotionally, and eventually have him realize for himself that this is not normal? tl;dr: my [25F] partner [30M] is being abused by his wife [28F], but is convinced to keep trying to make it work despite the situation detrimentally affecting his own mental health.",Normal +29270,"Mostly, I think I just want a mom. I've been struggling with anxiety really bad, and a lot of it has to do with my relationship with my boyfriend. This is my first boyfriend. He's a senior at a different college. He lives in the city that I go to school in.",Stress +29271,"As we put mud on ourselves and some kids having fear in their eyes, the admins then coax a volunteer to get on his knees and pray to the “dead” adults covered in the tarp. He was adamant at first, but then the kid broke down crying. He cried about his dead mother. How he regretted not loving her enough. All of the other kids didn’t know whether to cry with him or look on in horror at the situation.",Normal +29272,"The first is my girlfriend of around 9 months. She doesn't really like her current living situation and suggested we look together. The positives here are that we get along pretty well as far as my relationships have gone, and it would save me money, probably around $5-600 a month. That's not insignificant. The thing is I probably *could* be ready for that step if I had to, I'm just not really for or against it.",Normal +29273,And I'll get an intense feeling of impending doom. It lasts for less than a minute and then I'll fall back asleep. It usually happens during naps. I thought it was a seizure when it first happened. Has this happened to anyone else?,Stress +29274,She thinks instead I should ask if I can read him how it has impacted me since this has happened. I don't know what to do. It's coming up so quickly and I'm feeling a twinge of anxiety as it gets closer. I keep telling myself I did everything I possibly could and that I should do what feels right to me even if it means I may feel like I'm going backwards at times. I also have to make a decision on if I want a permanent restraining order or a non violent contact order.,Stress +29275,"My husband and I live in an apartment that gets super cold easily. Part of that is because there's no protective trees in the winter, with the other problem being the buildings are run down, and there's lots of cracks around the door. My husband was able to fix a gaping crack with our door frame, but we still need more work done and management is not the best. Our heaters are old baseboard heaters that can heat the home, but run up our electricity bill like crazy. With the onset of early winter here in the midwest coupled with the loss of my husband's job, I'm going to go apply for LIHEAP, but I'm wondering if anyone knows of any other ways to keep the apartment warm.",Normal +29276,"I feel like one of my worst symptoms is nightmares. Not because they are overly terrifying, I don't wake up covered in sweat or out of breath. I just wake up feeling mentally and to a lesser degree physically exhausted. It just ruins my mood for the day and feels so hard to snap out of. I mostly just dream of killing my family and friends, or other random people, or people killing me or people dying.",Stress +29277,Basically he makes too much money for help has no other family or friends to help I can barely help myself let alone my dad and his two dogs...but he has literally no where to go and he's gonna be homeless by the time he gets put of his house which he is being evicted from. His credit is too low to get a place and now with this eviction it will be harder. Also he lives on a fixed income which isn't to bad but it's still not gonna be enough to move in a month considering his credit history. I don't want my dad to be homeless....what can he do? Sorry if this doesn't apply to this group...idk what else to do...,Stress +29278,"The verbal, emotions, and physical abuse continued I also believe in my heart that he cheated He left Facebook up on his computer with a conversation he had had with another ex about how much fun it was spending time with her(a day he had told me he was working late, couldn't even come up with an original lie)...it shattered me more, I didn't know my heart could break into any smaller pieces When she was three months old I told myself enough was enough... If he had shown even a glimmer of interest in his child or our marriage I could justify more time...but he didn't",Stress +29279,"But I'm literally afraid of him because I feel like every second he's gonna stand behind me again and grunt at me that he changed something or completely rewrite my code. Plus, I don't know if maybe he is talking badly about me as well when I'm not there (it seems likely). What can I do? --- **tl;dr**: Coworker who is supposed to show me the ropes is super grumpy and I find him intimidating, can I do anything about this?",Stress +29280,"An interesting fact I once heard was that some people die out in the desert with water still in the bottle. These people would try and conserve their water supply but would end up dehydrating themselves in the process, laughable over a few shots of whiskey but an important note at that. I drink nearly all I have and only saving a little to keep the mouth moist after a smoke and I find that by doing so I stay hydrated, never feeling like crap because the water hadn’t finished absorbing into my system. Remember that folks. When I finished watching the trains I found a place with a plug and wifi to jam out to music.",Normal +29281,And he got angry at me. He was yelling at me about how it was an accident he just forgot and all I do is bitch. When we got to the store we didn't even go in because he said I ruined his mood or whatever and we just went home. I cried all day. I just can't do it anymore and I'm so depressed and I'm so scared that I will end up going back to him.,Stress +29282,"Throwaway because this is an embarrassing issue (although everyone who knows me knows I have it). I’m sorry this is so long, I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and need to vent. I (21F) cry over the smallest things that I know I shouldn’t cry over. I have always been like this even since I was little. Whenever I get in an argument with someone, I cry and it eats away at me.",Stress +29283,"Hi there r/Assistance! My dad has a Traumatic Brain Injury from a car accident two years ago. He was the victim of another driver's recklessness and negligence, and was rear-ended twice while stopped at a stoplight. He was forced to retire as he is now permanently disabled and will have to deal with the effects of permanent brain damage for the rest of his life. My dad requires a constant caretaker because he exhibits symptoms similar to that of an alzheimer's or dementia patient, so my mom is unable to work either.",Normal +29284," If you are curious, that is a picture of the truck with the expired tags from 2016 that I drove in September of 2018 from Olympia, WA to Slab City, CA. It is also the truck I lived in for a year before making this move. Here is what I have learned since I got here. It is currently still fucking hot.",Normal +29285,"Nothing major, some underage drinking, a little pot, but I wasn't a bad kid. Furthermore, I feel like I matured well and have gone on to be successful for my age (24) IMO. I've also had positive experiences with police. The resource officer at my high school was a really good guy and almost like a mentor to me. When I was 17 I was arrested when police raided a friends house because they were tipped off that there was to be some under-aged drinking.",Normal +29286,"I'm a survivor of CSA and have been doing the work to process/cope with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. This includes a few years of therapy & ~6 months on sertraline. Everyone in my family is pretty jumpy (I'm pretty sure we all have high anxiety), but lately I have become ridiculously easy to startle! The first time I noticed it being extremely bad was while at my boyfriend's and he was cooking steak. As occasionally happens, the smoke detector went off because of the steaks.",Normal +29287,"My dad did this twice to her. He began harassing my brothers employees, telling them crazy stories that my brother was selling drugs, or that he raped someone, stories with I know are not true. We began hearing stories through the rumor mill that my dad was seen drunk driving in town on several occasions, and getting drunk in public. My dad broke into the house of a friend in town, the wife was downstairs and husband upstairs. She saw the look on my dads face when he barged through the front door (she said he looked crazy) and ran upstairs screaming.",Normal +29288,"Alright, I'll try to keep this as short as possible. **Some Background:** I have a co-worker we'll call Pamela. Pamela is disabled from complications and defects from when she was born; she has a brain shunt, and some cognitive issues. However, it's not enough to impair her too greatly obviously because she has worked in the call center I work at for about 12 years or so, and in other call centers before this. She receives accommodations for a disability at work though, such as having to meet less strict stats (like time per phone call, or time spent working offline) and being allowed to take a ""rest"" break if her disability causes her issues.",Normal +29289,The welfare office foe my county is too far and i can't get there without transportation to ask for help. I don't have any friends or family that can or are willing to take my cat and I. And i cannot get rid of my cat because he is my ESA and the only thing keeping me sane at this point. What do i do when i feel like i don't have any other options. Even though this is my fault because i'm an idiot.,Stress +29290,"This has caused quite a few disagreements, as we often compromise for a ""quickie"" at some later time. I hate to admit it, but I can sense that we have both been feeling this incompatibility grow more and more apparent as our relationship has gone on, and both of our gained weight is not helping with our situation. I love her dearly, and want to make this work, but I'm also worried that I shouldn't have gone this far into a relationship without a frame of reference for what I would want in one. She is my first girlfriend, but I'm afraid to throw away a relationship that's caused me to love someone so dearly. I've been cautious up to this point, but it does appear as though we have begun to get financially ""entangled"".",Normal +29291,"I have so much stress over money on a daily basis that sometimes it’s nearly unbearable. As I mentioned, I have received some emergency assistance in the form of loans through /r/borrow, for which I am beyond grateful. But though they provide temporary relief, the loans themselves just end up being part of this vicious circle and mire me even deeper in the debt I’m trying to escape. I know more loans aren’t the answer. So I’m looking for a different kind of help.",Stress +29292,"My boyfriend is really understanding about everything, but he wants me to eventually come clean to my mother because he thinks that it's unhealthy for me to have to keep this from my mom. PLus he knows how bad I'm freaking out about it. My brother and my dad know but they can't tell my mom and they aren't much help in this situation, since my mother runs the house. For Christmas, my boyfriend bought me a hat, several CDs, and concert tickets. Irrelevant right?",Stress +29293,"And it may be a bit out of context, but I do have to thank my 4 best men for being here with me all the way, I couldn’t do this without them. Finally, we are here at the present day. It’s been 2 years since we broke up. My ex still hates me with a burning passion, but I have learned to ignore it and have mostly moved on from the experience. I don’t hold any sort of animosity towards her, but I have had the tendency to start to drift off and start pitying myself and reflecting out loud a bit too much when in conversation with my dear friend.",Normal +29294,"Hi everyone. I met a great guy - let's call him Dave - about a year ago. We started off as friends but started dating around November. Let me preface this by saying that Dave is probably the best boyfriend I've ever had. He'll drive an hour just to see me, always pays when we go out for food or drinks and is reluctant even when I insist to pay.",Normal +29295,"I do not originate from that country, but my family lives only a 3 hour ride away. After Christmas (which we did not spend together) I came to visit her and her family and eventually spend New Years Eve with them. It was all fine apart from some little ""fights"" between my gf and me. There were always some small things that led to discussions. For example: We went out with the dog and when we got back, my shoes were pretty dirty.",Normal +29296,"In a shame spiral, validation after asking feedback from peers, I'm over-reacting or too sensitive. Thank god my GF still loves me. I am in states of hypervigilance, catastrophizing, and hypersensitivity and it blows. Just needing to write this out, it helps. Thank you for reading.",Stress +29297,"My brother adopted me and enrolled me in the school his wife taught at. They had a family of their own and I was never treated the same as their children. My future friends referred to them as ""the Dursleys."" I was a few years older than their oldest kid so I attribute their shitty parenting to not knowing how to raise a kid my age at that point yet, because they were much kinder to their kids when they reached my age. They were also quite religious.",Normal +29298,"It is why I started studying gender studies. My dads rage from my mum earning more then him, even though she gave him at least half whilst he had affaris and caused hell in our household and physically abused her. I have been in counselling since being in year 5 in junior school (I think 9 years of age) because they were fighting all night and I hadn't slept and they sussed there was something wrong. This continud until I was 19 and my dad left (which was dramatic in itself). Anyway, so i'm reading a book called Toxic Parents and it basically advisers people to confront their parents.",Normal +29299,The next day I called M and told him what happened. He was furious and talked about breaking up and told me I lied to him and he had trust issues because of his ex girlfriend who attacked him with a knife or hatchet or something. And it was one thing after another like that. Often about things that I didn't think were 'lying'. The next thing I knew I wasn't going out anymore because he'd always get mad for some reason.,Normal +29300,"I’ve started trying to write things down more. Not necessarily journal but just writing down little ideas I have in various notebooks. I’ve come to realize that when my PTSD is in full steam, my handwriting is different. I’m known in my family/friend group for having great penmanship. But now, the handwriting doesn’t even look close to before.",Normal +29301,"We talk about it a lot and we're on the same page on most of things. This just isn't what I've come to discuss, so if it's not intimacy-related, you needn't (and I discourage you to) advise on that. :) Don't worry, we do not take the difference lightly. --- **tl;dr**: Sexually unexperienced longing for sex with long time partner, probably years away from it because he wants to wait till marriage.",Stress +29302,"She didn’t have room for it where she was currently living, it had been so long since she was able to create. We moved things out of storage, into the studio. I was so excited to not only be providing this place for her but to be the one she trusted with some of the most precious things to her. I bought her a clay wheel and accessories, she wanted to work in the medium again. I’ll never forget the first evening we threw clay together, it was very meaningful and romantic.",Normal +29303,"When we got to Food Lion, she got out of the car and said, “Your daddy bought you this car.” And slammed the car door and left. She apologized later. New Years eve, my mom (65) gets a call from my cousin (50-60 don’t know her age), the primary caregiver for my grandma, that my uncle (same uncle from earlier) was admitted to the hospital the day before and was ready to be released. She couldn’t pick him up because she lives an hour away. My mom and I picked him up and took him home.",Normal +29304,"I'm livid....this only proves to me that you can't trust ANYONE not even your friggin therapist. She exploited me...pushing me to do this program wasn't to help me but she did it for herself to try to get a raise, promotion or something. What should I do? I wrote an email to the administrator but I feel like I need to do more....I want the other participants of this program to be notified IMMEDIATELY that their sessions where they talk about very difficult/painful things, things that they don't like talking about, are being used for training purposes and God knows what else. Update: That asshole “therapist” was in fact promoted after pushing people to do this dumb and unethical program...People that play dirty and use people get ahead.",Stress +29305,"I wanted to chalk it up to finances, but our finances weren’t nearly as bad as they had been, so I started thinking that maybe something else was going on. When I finally got the job that I’ve been working towards my entire life, and you got your settlement and the opportunity to do the things you had been talking about doing for your entire life, I began experiencing this odd feeling called “confidence.” Not just having confidence, but being confident. Our situation was finally improving, but our relationship continued to deteriorate. You attempted to exert a level of control over me I had yet to experience (which is saying something). But this time, I resisted.",Normal +29306,"I dated my ex-girlfriend for 6 years. She was madly in love with me for most of the relationship then had a falling out in the last year of the relationship where things turned ugly. I went through depression and hit a rough patch which also made me insecure which gave her the power in the relationship. I also put us both through some unnecessary times and abused the love and time she gave me, she tried really hard, I was too stubborn. Eventually near the end I was a bit vulnerable and she left.",Normal +29307,"I am looking for any advice on how to cope being homless in Los Angeles and what sort of services there are out there to help. I am so determined on keeping my job, However, I feel I might not be able to if my check comes in late again and will be forced to spend the weekend on the streets. I have no valid high school diploma as I finished it in Australia and haven't been able to secure my GED due to the time limitations with working everyday and commuting between Compton and Glendale. I appreciate anybody taking the time to read this and welcome any advice. Thanks.",Stress +29308,"Etc etc etc. "". My brain takes this one little choice -should I go back in the water- and blows it up so big that I spend 20 minutes trying to figure out what I should do, and I end up frozen unable to make ANY decision. Does this happen to anyone else? How do you deal with this?",Stress +29309,"But the death of a dream was inevitable. She brought a guy to our family home one night. I was out at a friends. (She and I were sleeping separately, but the kids still didnt know that she and I agreed to separate and try to work through this cooperatively). So drunk her brought a guy home to kids that were awake and were shocked to see her like this.",Normal +29310,· Did your parent/parents not provide healthy meals or enough daily exercise or activities? · Why didn’t you change the habits when you became of age? · Do you cook? · Are you too busy? · Have you made a daily planner of your day to be able to notice where you have an opportunity to be able to prep meals and cook more?,Normal +29311,"My coworkers began noticing that was no longer their happy-go-lucky little teen, but a quiet and distanced serial-killer-faced old woman. I had become less focused and very accident-prone. I was losing my grip and they became increasingly worried about me. They automatically assumed that it had something to do with M; when I didn’t respond to them or look at them, their suspicions were confirmed. They told me that I should leave him, but said nothing and never took that advice.",Normal +29312,"So I’ve been taking 40mg paroxetine for around 3 months (I don’t go to her straight away) and have been fine until the past two weeks. I’m beginning to notice that my anxiety is again incredibly high a lot of the time. By listening to my body I’ve come to realise that caffeine is triggering me. NOW this is new. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was around 17 (22 now) and I’ve never had an issue (infact, it used to put me to sleep) but now whenever I have a coffee (French press at home or latte from a barista) within about 30 minutes I begin to shake and uncontrollably sweat.",Stress +29313,"Sally is around the same age, 25 I assume, (can’t confirm numbers, sorry about that) and she quickly became a red flag for me. He would mention her name occasionally and how our love for the same type of shows was shared with Sally. Sally and I met a few times. The first time was when we planned a day out shopping with a mutual friend who was single at the time and my bf decided to invite Sally. I thought that was a little weird, but justified it because 1) I had never met her and thought that would be a great opportunity to and 2) He said maybe the two of them would hit it off.",Normal +29314,--- TL;DR; Ghosted after over a month of talking to a guy. Met in hotel room. Made out but didn't have sex. If he didn't want to cheat or chickened out at the last minute why would he carry on so long with me?,Normal +29315,"I’m an army reserve officer who has 6.5 years of service. I have a VA disability rating of 40% due to PTSD/Anxiety/depression and ringing in my ears from a tour in Afghanistan. I recently applied to go into the IRR and was turned down. I have been told that I’m not deployable due to my mental health, but I don’t think this was at all mentioned in my IRR packet. just moved for a job in DC and my old unit is now too far to travel to.",Normal +29316,"He doesn’t know anything about that though. For some background, I recognize that I tend to overreact to normal things, I have panic attacks when people innocently flirt with me for example, and I’ve flown off the handle when too many men have even just looked at me in too short of a space of time. Anyway, so we were roommates in a super tiny apartment that didn’t even have a living room, just our two bedrooms divided by a kitchen. He was having some issues with his ex-girlfriend so he was venting to me for hours about it, and I was trying to give him as much advice as I could, because he’s my friend and I care about him. I told him this and he said he cares about me too, and then he started telling me that when he first met me, he was attracted to me but that I was too young so he felt weird.",Normal +29317,"I won't go into too much detail but what stems off of that is thoughts of being and feeling worthless like I'm not good enough for anyone and that I'm undeserving of the good things given to me but then another thought stems off of that one which would be something along the lines of me thinking how stupid I was acting and then another thought after that and so on. Another little thing I'd like to add is that that I seriously struggle seeing my own self worth and how much I mean to my friends and family (who are all amazing by the way I love them all so much). Eventually on fairly rare occasions those thoughts tend to lead to depression, paranoia that people around me hate me and don't want anything to do with me, dissociation with reality and then finally the rock bottom of that would be thoughts of suicide (though I've never acted out on these thoughts or would ever want to) and the occasional anxiety attack where I feel nauseous, my heart beats really fast, my limbs feel like jelly, heavy breathing, I feel panicked and I just want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Other than that though I'm quite optimistic and I tend to be a genuinely upbeat and happy person! I'm seeing someone about these problems but I just thought I'd ask if anyone has any extra advice they could give if things start to get a bit out of control.",Normal +29318,"There is so much I can't do because I don't drive and it has impacted my life in such a way that it feels like I am in my own personal prison. I have been to therapy but it doesn't seem to work. So I am asking, have any of you overcome this situation? How did you do it? Any advice?",Stress +29319,"She was really worried about being retraumatized by her birth. At the time I didn’t understand trauma or realize how deep her problems were (since I hadn’t seen them much), but I always listened to her first and foremost. We paid out of pocket for a home birth with a backup hospital plan at her parents’ house. The birth was precipitous (very fast, only a few hours) and extremely traumatic and painful. No pain medication, and I think the speed of the birth makes it more traumatic, and our son had his hand over his head when he came out.",Normal +29320,She would be coming to the states for the first time in over 10 years on Dec. 30. I was ecstatic to finally meet my MIL. We've chatted on several occasions and she is truly a great person. Rob was excited too so he wanted to make her trip memorable. He decided he wanted to get a family portrait painted for her as a late Christmas gift.,Normal +29321,"It’s been a terrible struggle the last few years. We have never asked for help from anyone, though. We are hard working and we are proud of our family, and who we are as people. It’s hard to ask for help. BUT- sometimes WE need help too.",Stress +29322,"I do have intense anxiety to the point it affects my daily life and prevents me from performing the smallest tasks such as making a phone call to get an appointment. However, I do not know if my anxiety is a result from what had happened to me as a child or me experiencing unpleasant experiences in highschool. I just know that my rape makes my anxiety worse sometimes. I do get triggered by anything that reminds me of unpleasant memories of my rape. The only time I break down is when I am severely distressed or my feelings are so bottled up that a trigger would set me off crying.",Stress +29323,"I hope I can remember that my anxiety was misguided and ultimately wrong. And more than that, I hope that whoever reads this (if anyone does) can remember it too. I wasn't sure how to end this before, and I am not sure how to end it now, so I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the great Stanley Kubrick... ***""And remember no matter how vast the darkness, we must supply our own light. ""***",Normal +29324,"Anna claimed he was a distant friend and had been kicked out of his house in the frigid weather. My mom said nope, no way that boy stays there. Anna seemed to be telling lies again. Fast forward a few days, and Anna's mother takes her phone away after a series of lies and deceit. It turns out, the man was not a distant friend.",Normal +29325,"I had another friend come out and tap on my window, scaring me. He didn’t know what happened, and when he asked me what was wrong I just started to cry. I felt stupid and ashamed. Through the sobs I told him what happened, I even told him that my rapists did it to me. He was supportive and sweet and it made me feel so much more guilty.",Stress +29326,"I've been trying to act like nothing happened but I can't stop thinking about all this. I feel weird that i'm even thinking about it so much. I should just brush it off. Everyone keeps telling me I should go for it. Even my guy friends, which I assumed would agree with me feeling gross about all this.",Stress +29327,"Hi, I cannot think clearly today. I know I have to take care of myself, but its always been an issue. I do not shower, the last one was two months ago. I sleep in my clothes and wear them the next day. I do not was my hands, or face.",Stress +29328,I don't need that. This sucks but is far from hopeless. I can do this with some help. The next bad thing came just two days out of the hospital. The lady who was letting me stay on her couch doesn't come home.,Stress +29329,I literally felt her lose interest in talking to me as I said that. She asked me some basic questions and then suggested that I go into walk-in counseling that my school offers because she doesn't want to waste MY time being there. I told her that it wasnt a waste of my time and that I'm here because I want to get better. This was only my second time meeting her and we never delved into any of the main issues that I was facing but she brushed me off so quickly all because I wasn't sobbing my eyes out or felf like committing suicide. She acknowledged the fact that I wanted to stay and talk about other things in therapy but she proceeding to rush me out.,Stress +29330,"BACKGROUND: I didn't know much about PTSD when we started dating. I had to learn from the bottom up, and definitely sometimes the hard way. It is a struggle having PTSD, as well as loving someone with it. I'm posting some journal entries I wrote during the first few months we've been together. Hopefully anyone that reads it can relate, feel less alone, maybe less frustrated, maybe more patient for their loved one?",Normal +29331,"Long story short, the alternator + module + radiator is going to cost $500 to repair. After bills are paid we only have $550 monthly for groceries and necessities. I cannot afford to pay this bill and a payday loan is out of the question because they charge a 300% interest and I cannot have that added bill to our already limited funds. Any help would be extremely appreciated. We have 2 kids and being without a car is really not easy.",Stress +29332,"Hey guys, Been married for about a little over a year. I had an inkling before we got married that the wife was an anxious person but it was only after we got married I realised it was much more. She has weekly breakdowns over minor occurrences at work and comes home cursing and screaming about what goes on. (Not at me, but that repeated venting does have its toll on me as well mentally.",Stress +29333,"I don't know whether to call the crisis team see if theyll stay on the phone as i leave to distract myself. Im determind not to be as agoraphobic as i was i will not be stuck inside trapped by myself. Yet here i am frozen in bed scared to leave in case it means i even start getting ready to go towards to front door. I know i should eat, but the anxiety part of me keeps trying to convince me i dont need to eat i'll be ok if i just stay inside safe.",Stress +29334,"I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I truly feel that I have never felt any sort of platonic or romantic love. I still feel so much anxiety interacting with anyone, and especially those who show interest in me. W**d has been the one thing that helped me realize all of this. As you can imagine, however, my family is deeply opposed to this.",Stress +29335,"But even if I don’t make my goal, I pledge to keep fighting for companion animal and pet owner rights. If nothing else, this has opened my eyes. - This is 100% real. I will answer any questions you have, so long as I do not have to name the other person involved. I’m not trying to ruin reputations.",Normal +29336,"I dont know what to do to be liked again, i guess it would be different if she had hated me from the beginning but that just isnt the case. She also hates my boyfriend and doesnt allow him anywhere near her house. I cant move because the rent is only $500 and I cant afford anything else, and yes, I do have a job. I've even asked her why she thinks I'm so stupid and she said ""because nobody taught you these things"" so I guess shes helping, it's just hard to know that I'm a failure. I try to meditate and to think very very very deep before I say anything, like to try and think of every outcome and if it might make her hate me more then I shouldnt say it.",Stress +29337,"I don't know. Pretty sure. But my nose is stuffy from this stupid cold so it'd make sense that I'm having a hard time breathing from it. But I'm also having a hard time breathing through my mouth. I can't find my vapor rub anywhere, which is annoying the crap out of me because I feel like it'd help a little (the mintiness from brushing my teeth helped a tiny bit).",Normal +29338,"Now he is enraged because I said months ago that maybe internet access was not a bad idea, that there was some stuff there that may connect him more to others. He had been asking for months how to access the internet for free, and I just did not know what to say, he mentioned it so much, besides he would have to get internet access from a company if he wanted to use the internet reliably. So he did that at some point, and is now having issues. It just looks like an older man who is having difficulty navigating the internet and who finds Apple care unhelpful. But he is phoning me today yelling and accusing me of paranoid stuff and hanging up.",Normal +29339,"Her GoFundMe is at: ​ Any shares you could do would mean the WORLD to her, and to me. Donations are good too, but shares are sooooo valuable! Thank you for any support, I really do appreciate it.",Normal +29340,"Hey all! My was driving our 1984 Fleetwood Southwind RV through Madison when it unexpectedly threw a belt and wonked out the radiator. Now [my is stuck, trying to get it fixed in time to get back on the road and make it back to his job. We really love this RV and would hate to see it abandoned for parts somewhere, but we have no connections in Madison, WI. We are ready to pay cash money to anyone in the area that has a Chevy 454 radiator or knows an RV Wizard and can help us in the next couple of days.",Normal +29341,"Hi everyone. I’m broke, as many people on this sub are. I’m not actually asking for money, not money to keep anyway. I already entered the promo code you need to get the $5 bonus from cash app but i don’t have $5 in my bank account. As I understand it, if someone can send me $5 and I send it right back I will then have $5.",Normal +29342,"For the past couple months I have had really bad soreness and tightness in my upper back and neck. Sometimes it gets so stiff I can barely move my head. At first i thought it was a physical injury so I went to the doctors and had an xray but they could not find anything. I notice it flares up when im anxious. I have tried many self massages, creams, baths, pads, you name it.",Stress +29343,"Hi guys! My close friend has been struggling lately to pay for her dog's surgery. Two months ago, she noticed a lump on her dog's leg. After running a few tests and getting several vet's opinions, the dog was diagnosed with Grade 2 soft tissue sarcoma. She had three options, do nothing, remove lump and go for chemo treatments, or amputate the leg completely.",Stress +29344,"I decided to park behind it to see what their business was. They called 911 on me. I saw the copper stoppers coming and decided to pull in to my driveway, unload my kids and go inside while they dealt with the strange people. Well, the were there to deal with me! And one was walking up to question me while the other followed my children into my house!",Stress +29345,"We will be using THE RESPECTFUL PROSTITUTE by Jean Paul Sartre This is to be one presentation that includes all of these elements. I HIGHLY recommend a PowerPoint. Take a good, clear picture or scan of your ground plan and sketch and add those as slides. Organization of your presentation is important.",Normal +29346,"She already knows the password to my laptop, email, bank account, and phone PIN. I didn't really want to tell her any of those, but I could not think of a reason why not to. When I got a new phone, she set up my new PIN and got a bit upset when I changed it. She said if I had nothing to hide, then she should know my passwords. I don't have anything to hide, so I told her.",Normal +29347,"Writing these helps sooth my own wounds, and I was wondering if people would be willing to read them/have story ideas? I mostly write shortish scenes about having to talk about it and being consoled (most from the perspective of a woman being the survivor, man being the comforter--though I'm always willing to try different genders and sexualities). I'll mostly have these on Kindle as a series, but I have some out on websites (the series is called ) The Kindle ones will be longer and more in depth. Please let me know--these help me and I want them to help others!",Normal +29348,"Hi everyone, So I am in abusive relationship. We live together. He doesn't pay for anything but his alcohol and drugs and occasionally his gas. When he's feeling generous he has been known to give me 10 dollars toward gas.",Normal +29349,"That is a waste of energy. I know and have lived your combative relationship with both your parents. First, it is your dad, then you go to your mom, then it is your mom and you go to your dad...... you are playing them and that is very manipulative. You are 28 years old, a young man that needs to grow up. Take responsibilty for yourself.",Normal +29350,"The real irony is that had my dad told the truth about the car, he would be home right now plotting his next scheme, but instead he lied and got caught because of his arrogance. The problem we face now, is that there is always the chance my dad might sign the documents and they let him out (he'll probably weasel money out of his youngest brother/my uncle to pay the bail), and then we have to contend with the possibility my dad has something else planned to get us, which he probably does because that's his gig and his only goal in life since his big revelation after the pace maker got put in. My dad cannot talk to Bart or Dandy because they are witnesses, and he can't have any communication with my mom either. Myself and my brothers are contemplating getting a restraining order of some kind, but given how my dad operates, I'm not sure that will actually protect us from any harm. I have an appointment with doctor Doorstall this thursday, probably won't get anywhere but I'm sure he is aware of my dad's situation by now, or will be soon.",Stress +29351,"I honestly thought it might be similar to calling tech support, getting escalated to a manager, then actually getting results. I thought they might have resources I haven't had/didn't know about yet. They didn't, they called the police and filed a false claim (I was standing on top of a parking garage ready to jump - not true). Police came, spoke with me, decided I needed to go to the hospital against my will. I tried to reason and explain most of my depression and anxiety was financially related and this would make it worse.",Normal +29352,"  This piece of art I’ve used is a perfect example of how having solid boundaries can help me weather any storm. I know I’m going to get kicked, I know I’m going to be in pain but I also see the beauty in between the clouds. This is a painting I did freezing in the hail and storm on the rocks of Alloutte Lake. The waves crashed, the mist covered the mountains but every now and then brilliant colour would flash.",Normal +29353,"I was greeted by the message ""your Facebook account has been disabled...."" when I tried to log in couple of months back. I immediately sent an appeal and my ID proof from their forms but it's has been two months and no response from them. Basically the appeals are going to trash. This account was really important to me. Excluding family photos and memories, I owned couple of pages with huge fan following.",Stress +29354,"one day i broke down into absolute tears and was rushed into the counselers office. at this point im in 8th grade and this is by no means acceptable behavior. we are about to go into high school and i just burst into a ball of tears in front of every last one of my peers. the good thing is, this scenario made me care a little less about what everyone thought of me due to the already absolute embarrassment of myself. My mindset, the people i surrounded myself with, and my family life were all fucked to say the least... especially family.",Normal +29355,"Nevertheless, he looks like someone I would like to be friends with, but I'm too afraid to actually speak to him at this point, so I figured I could write him a letter. I don't want to assume he can read like I read (given the white cane), so I think it would be a good idea to write him a letter in braille and maybe including a written copy as well. I have read that I should acquire a slate and a stylus to write braille by hand, but I would love some more help or tips if anyone knows how to write in braille. Are there any services that will transcribe a written letter to braille that don't cost very much? Thank you!",Normal +29356,"I listen to him when he’s having a bad day and thinking about what I did to him. I listen and try to say silent when he yells and screams at me. I take his insults in stride, as best as I can, because I feel like I deserve it. He tells me that he “has no respect for me” and I am “nothing but a mistake” and he tells me that I am trash, I do not deserve anything that I have, and that I am just a waste of his time. He tells me that he hates me.",Stress +29357,"If its the wrong place for this feel free too delete, it would be on par with the rest of the day. Edit: thank you, too those who've responded and any others who might. I always expect to get turned away whenever i ask for help, especially when i read how others are suffering. It always makes my problems seem not worth anyone's time. So thank you, it means a lot to me.",Normal +29358,"He would tell me it was the best university in the world(a white lie) and how great it was. I didn't want to go there. I didn't aid in the application process at all. He did everything. He wanted me to go there because it was cheap, and he assumed that if it were otherwise either i would just do nothing or spend a lot more money on school than he'd like.",Normal +29359,"all the sudden all the hate turned against me again (happened often before). She yelled out, whining for her dad, who she called. i stayed calm but was totally clueless about what to do. she started breaking up with me, telling me that she will spent the night at a hotel or somewhere on the street. i shouldnt come visit her at the hospital next week ... blackmailing me basically.",Normal +29360,"At the shelter we are not allowed to store food in our locker (they do random checks), but i can keep some stuff in my backpack. I have access to the work locker Monday to Friday, and will store food in my backpack on the weekends. I needs suggestions that are reasonably healthy because something as simple as cold that takes people 3-4 days to recover from, takes 2-3 weeks to recover from 'cause my thyroid meds suppress my immune system. ​ **EDIT: Thank you for the food suggestions**",Normal +29361,"Anxiety kicked in but then heightened by all the fucking coffee I drank from working before the meet. I started shaking, I couldn't lift my head up. My girlfriend and I stepped out for a smoke, and I told her the situation, the guys moved away... they were hot too so thanks to my anxiety I missed out yet again on another golden opportunity. But once we got back to our seats, I told my girl that I recently got close to that I had anxiety and the symptoms, just casually because at this point its just a thing I have to tell people, but this time it wasn't to a fellow artist or designer, she was a nurse. Instead of saying yeah I have it to or yeah we all get like that, she asked me further questions.",Stress +29362,It was all so quick and I try and recall now what happened and my brain jumbles up the details but he finally realized what he was doing to me and stopped. I am a small girl with a very thin build at 5'8 and 125 to 130 pounds maximum and he is a big guy at 6'5 and and 265 pounds and I had no chance of getting him to stop. He started immediately after hysterically crying because I started to hysterically cry and started to feel like I couldn't breath. He spent most of the night afterhysterically crying telling me he can't live with himself after this and how he would never put his hands on a woman but something in him just snapped but I don't know how to forgive him or let it go. I'm still so shocked by what happened I have managed to stop crying and calm down but I don't know how to move on from here.,Stress +29363,"Hi guys, I know not everyone believes in esoteric -- the soul, spirit and all that 'shit' but! I've had a remote session last week and I feel like I'm starting to be whole little by little. I recommend you guys read up on this, take it with a grain of salt but never dismiss it right away! My traumas now seem to have died down a bit and do not easily control my emotions and thinking. Let me know if anyone here has tried it!",Normal +29364,"Sorry bad English Since almost 2 weeks now I've cut myself off every social interaction because I've been confronted to doubting and all that shit and I thought that was a necessary measure to take to reborn (trough introspection, my whole life since now is involved) and stop burst out of rage and being depressed from nothing And now I keep myself at the strict minimum of social interaction, 10 days that my daily conversation is limited at some words My mental health is decreasing I'm starting to struggle breath by the mouth, now I breath and speak with the nose (probably because I don't open it enough)",Stress +29365,"__Target group__: _(PTSD sufferers, military vets)_ __Compensation__: _(raffle, payment)_ __Link__: _(how to access survey)_ __Background__: _(why are you doing this survey? Bachelor thesis, making a website)_",Normal +29366,"I don't know what to do. The police are no help as I'm usually tossed in the squad car and questioned like a fucking criminal because ""why would she lie?"". I can't keep the 2400 a month in child support up because I can't get a job (I usually make 3000 a month net) and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be homeless in a few days. All I want is to help my daughter and make sure she's safe and I've run out of ideas. Anything you kind folks could think of would be greatly appreciated.",Stress +29367,"The day I actually did it he wasn't there. He had stormed off shouting 'you're fucking useless'. At the time, this had spurred me on and I actually ended up riding without any help. We used to work together as he is a builder, so he would ask me to get him a Philips screwdriver. As an adult I assume most people know what a Philips screwdriver is but as a young boy I didn't.",Normal +29368,"I was so desperate that I tried asking some of my family members for help. My mom doesn't given shit, recently leased a new truck. My brother is such an ass hole. My aunt (who recently bought a vacation home in Houston) told me ""Maybe you can talk it out with your parents, take care we're going to Europe."" ALL I DESIRE IS A QUICK AND PAINLESS WAY OUT.",Stress +29369,"Disclaimer: I don't intend to bad-mouth Mirtazapine here, its side effects and somewhat ""dulling"" effect on the mind for some people (during the first few months) has likely been discussed enough here. Some feel nothing at all, others feel like zombies. Totally individual. I trust and maintain that the benefits of proper use, together with conversational therapy, is very efficient for many people, and I hope this has been said on this sub. I feel a need to share my own experience, though, in the hopes that it will be of some help to someone who might be reacting the same way as I did to Mirtazapine's well-recorded increase in appetite.",Normal +29370,"I also used to get really bad nightmares about dying and the afterlife when I was a kid and my mom would have to rub my chest til I fell asleep. I never ever thought it was anxiety and I didnʻt want to diagnose myself because I know some people actually have it and I wouldnʻt want to compare my stress to that. Just wondering if itʻs possible that this is like mild ""anxiety"" or I am just sleep deprived? Also if its possible that anxiety can be come back after a decade of not having any noticeable events? Thanks ahead of time for any help.",Stress +29371,"Hey guys, I am currently in the progress of wring a research plan for my internship. I am doing a project on the effects of scaring trials on eurasian cranes on agricultural fields. However, English is not my native language and i am having trouble coming up with a catchy head title. It has to be catchy and short but not too corny.",Normal +29372,"Have been living with seizures for about 6 years now, trying to remain well let alone be successful but lack support not only in my family but also in the medical community. I've been trying to move across the country to Salem, OR for the past couple months, thinking that I could better manage my medical condition there and thrive, but I've been paying into housing that is falling through at the beginning of Nov. I'm eating my non-existant bank account and running ramped in my mind trying to figure all of this out. Advice needed. Please.",Stress +29373,"Here comes a little rant, because I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m done with it. I keep on having panic attacks and I can’t find the trigger. I’ve been crying for hours now, and yesterday and the day before as well. I’m seriously afraid that I will go nuts one day, I see no end nor a solution. I’m afraid I’ll end up in a mental hospital.",Stress +29374,"I will do my part in applying for scholarships, saving money, working, and finding other avenues to obtain the necessary funds. My Personal Story: I was born in Oaxaca, Mexico and immigrated to the United States when I was a mere 4 months old. My parents left everything behind in Mexico due to the large prevalence of poverty and political corruption present in my home nation. My family would settle down in a town within the Coachella Valley named Chiriaco Summit.",Normal +29375,"It's not a black nd white situation, I panicked, argued and a bunch over this with them, admittedly not helping my case, but I'm over that. I want help for my issues. Enough sobbing, I sometimes feel so hopeless, but I need to remember that while I am down, I am not out. Employment, temporary housing, even just basic street smarts, I'd like to know how to cope with this situation. What to do, first 100 days and all.",Stress +29376,"Hello. I am a thirty six year old man, and I became aware that the experiences I had, my behavior, and the expression of my feelings, may be BPD nine months ago, when I had my first suicide attempt. I had not read anything about it prior, and had entirely avoided any medical or mental health people. After the suicide attempt, which over nine years, head been preceded by the traumatic end of a highly dysfunctional five year relationship, followed by a severe four year alcohol problem. After getting out of the Psych ward after ten days, which I hadn't been in since an ideation incendent at seventeen, I determined to get help.",Stress +29377,"These thoughts are always a great source of frustration to me especially when I’m close to an artistic deadline like a gallery exposition that is coming soon. I’m never confident enough to show what I do. Even the minister of culture in my country has made some very positive criticisms about it but my mind always goes back to thinking those people are only saying these things to be nice. Honestly, does anyone else feel that way? What do you do when this happens?",Stress +29378,Could I be arrested for camping somewhere? I've never been to jail and don't want to go to jail for having no where to sleep. Do you recommend camping or finding a church or shelter that would take me in? **UPDATE:** Thank you all for the responses. I know I have issues but I feel they cannot be solved by taking medications.,Normal +29379,"I always found it so easy to live in the street. Food was available EVERYWHERE. We live in Canada, a first world country, and food was just so easy to get. drop in centers, late night visit at the bakery shop, rummaging trough the garbage ( before it became popular .. ). Clothing was also available everywhere.",Normal +29380,"He said he'd take me to my mothers house if I just smoked a cigarette with him. I did, but he refused to take me still. I continued fighting his hold and he kept saying my name in a gentle voice and telling me to calm down, saying that he loved me and didn't know why I was freaking out, and kept saying, ""you know you're not going to win. Go ahead, tire yourself out. You know you're not going anywhere.""",Stress +29381,"I desperately need a car and found a great opportunity but the previous owner died of a heart attack in it. Thats my number one cause of anxiety, the fear of heart attacks. He was relatively healthy and young. I feel like a big idiot for not taking it. But I have vivid nightmares of me having heart attacks then I wake up with a panic attack that lasts hours.",Stress +29382,"I have an answer for you. it is because he made you a part of his game. see, sociopaths will do anything and everything to manipulate others to make themselves happy. to feel liked, loved. mostly, they feed off of other people.",Normal +29383,"At my appointment today I confirmed that I do want to pursue trauma therapy. It's scary and I know it will be hard. Part of me wants to run from it because again, I do ok considering. But I also have put it off for 25 years and don't want to spend another 10 or 25 wishing I had done it when I had the chance or wondering if things would be different. I already feel like so much more of a person and in some ways that's enough.",Normal +29384,"As a native San Francisco we have lots of homelessness. I got a few question. I understand that life is hard on some people and I try to give the sympathy for the misfortunes of others. But with the rampant drug abuse and crime within the homeless community I find it hard to sympathize with them. I've been thinking, is there a line within this culture?",Normal +29385,"My friend made a comment that really embarrassed me because, up until that point, I hadn't realized how unusual it probably appeared. Since then, I've been more conscious of myself doing this and, while it feels like a shameful secret, I continue to do it. I know I never did this before, so I'm wondering if it has anything to do with what happened to me. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? I feel like I'm the only one.",Stress +29386,"with investments/money). Any responses the survey below would be much appreciated and you’ll be entered into a £50 prize draw (not expecting that many replies either so you’ll have pretty good odds) Also, if you happen to have any friends or family who might want a chance at winning some money while helping out a desperate student, please share it! Thanks in advance",Normal +29387,"Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry if it seems not important or annoying. Just thought I'd let someone knows. And if you have kids, please treat them nicely. You won't have any idea what your abusive acts would bring to your kids as it would affect how they treat their siblings, friends, or people they'd meet later in life.",Normal +29388,"And I'm not a drug dealer or freaking anything like that. I'm a 20 something year old with no criminal record whatsoever so I figure the attack was accidental? This happened about 1.5, maybe almost 2 months ago. Basically, now I live with my mom and brother because the incident. She helped take care of me, fed me, all after I left the hospital.",Normal +29389,"3. Watch telenovelas (if you haven't seen the drama in those shows, it makes you forget about anxiety pretty quick. After all, who will Jane choose, Michael or Rafael??) 4. Go for a walk, though now that my new employment is 15 minutes away each way via walking, I am getting some decent walking in 5 days a week.",Normal +29390,"She did not acknowledge his invite to come down for Christmas. Then they go on the trip 2 days later and everything is peachy keen. -Her car broke down so my dad leant her my mom's car that we still have. She said that he needed to quit referring to it as my mom's car....like, legally it's my mom's car. Shut it.",Normal +29391,"I've been trying to avoid social media because I know how anxiety provoking it can be for me. I joined it ultimately because I thought it would make me feel more connected to people. It kind of does, which I'm okay with. But of course, now I'm looking at everyone's highlight reels and friend count (which I'm especially envious of) and I can't help but feel like crap. My social life came to a standstill in my early 20s when I compartmentalized all facets of my life, ensuring the people I knew never intermingled.",Stress +29392,"He keeps saying he hates himself for this and won't let it happen again. I know he has a really big heart, so I don't know what to do. Is our relationship worth it? TL;DR My boyfriend of over two years has a huge drug problems and continuously lies to my face about it. He abuses them and it is effecting our relationship in a negative way.",Stress +29393,"I agreed and the four of us had dinner and I dropped them back home to Kate[18F]'s house where they were staying the night because her parents were not home. As I was pulling away Jamie[17F] ran up to my car and asked me if I wanted to stay the night with them, at first I was hesitant but I eventually agreed because I thought other guys were coming round. It turned out the other guys couldnt make it and it was just me and the three drunk girls. I asked Kate[18F](it was her house) if I could get some MDMA and drop it tonight and she agreed if I got her some. I drove us to the bottle shop where Jamie[17F] got her friend to buy us some more alcohol and went to get the MDMA which me and Kate did while Jamie and Sophie just drank.",Normal +29394,"I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 3 years now. My family had stopped talking to me, and live states away when my boyfriend and I got together. The first time I noticed abuse was when he wanted to repeatedly have sex till I was sore, and would get angry if I refused. It was subtle at first but it scared me. As time went on I would here everyday how I was too skinny, I need to gain some weight.. it got to the point to where I would ask questions about why I wasn’t good enough and was depressed ... he would throw a speaker in a room along with me and put stuff in front of the door to where I couldn’t get out.",Stress +29395,She was meeting her boyfriend (the one before my dad) because he was getting out of prison. Leaving my dad. So since my mom left you are probably thinking that the abuse stopped there huh? Unfortunately no. It was my dad's turn to use me as a punching bag.,Stress +29396,"Now, this was my first long term serious relationship and at the time, i wasn’t aware if what he was asking me to do was normal or not. But i loved him with everything i had, so i gave up my oldest and greatest friendship for this guy i loved. Who ruined me. Myself and Alex have always been a bit flirty, but never made a move on one another. He would come to me about relationship advice, i never before had feelings for him and i would help him wholeheartedly with any issues he had.",Normal +29397,"This has been affecting me for two weeks now, off and on. It's a combination of terrifying and annoying. Randomly throughout the day, I will notice that it feels harder to breathe and I take deeper breaths than normal. Air coming in almost feels like it has viscosity to it, like molasses, which makes me cough. Most of the time, I don't cough up anything so it's dry.",Stress +29398,"I've heard it's less activating and more calming than Zoloft, as it's the most serotonin selective. I've also heard Trazodone may be an option, for someone who wants SSRI-like-effects without any activation. Additionally, my Psych doctor mentioned Gabapentin as a way to directly target anxiety without any of the long-term concerns of daily benzo use. (though I've read it's not without its own drawbacks.) Obviously, this wouldn't have any serotonergic effect, but could be a good alternative to the Xanax.",Normal +29399,I got connected with the DV shelter in town to connect to my Crime Victim funds so I don't have to worry about therapy co-pays and I'm filled to the brim with anxiety about class tomorrow. I'm so tired of this. I hate that he probably witnessed me plunging into a panic attack. I hate that he saw that side of me. I don't want to look weak in front of him.,Stress +29400,"I've stopped telling it, and when someone at work says what's wrong. I just look at them and say its been a day. I just can't really go out and do stuff. I keep pushing college back I wanted to be a nurse and now I don't want to do anything but be a hermit and go live in the woods. I'm not really looking for responses I'm just tired of people not listening or believing me, I've had it all my life and I'm just done with it.",Stress +29401,"... My husband is an injured veteran. He was pretty seriously injured in Iraq and then again in Afghanistan (muscle tear and then a spinal injury.) However, the injuries occurred before we met. When we met, dated, and eventually married, he was under the influence of Vicodin, OxyContin, and Percocet.",Normal +29402,"Maybe 2-3 crazy fights but nothing major. Joe came back, frankly Joe spent ~ a year asking me to go out with him and my gut did not agree, it just felt off, now don’t get me wrong I have loved Joe since I was 17 but I just felt like this wouldn’t be right. I asked Joe for a year, I studied far away, and it was my last year at uni, I asked Joe to give me that year. But Joe said Nah. Joe gave the whole I have changed speech which every girl has probably heard a gazillion times in her life, but still thinks its novel.",Normal +29403,"I’m so mad. Since April I spoke with four professors: all for course evaluations and two for letters of Rec. They all agreed and I send them the necessary documents. I just called to check the file at my university and out of all those professors, only one submitted a course evaluation. I apply for a masters in a month and have no letters, despite having periodically emailed to update these professors.",Stress +29404,"I do not get paid until next Tuesday and i am terrified of what i am going to do until then. Any advice would be appreciated of what to do. Normally although i have my heath problems and we live pay-day to pay-day, it has never been this bad as to where i am scared of how i am going to feed my child for nearly a week and i really have no idea how to overcome this. Any help would be appreciated, even just advice about what to do. I cannot walk any where near as far to go any citizens advice.",Stress +29405,"It was his birthday a few days. I wished him happy birthday because I still care. He texted me back saying I made his day. It ruined mine. Now that I texted him, that I opened that door again.",Stress +29406,"Physical abuse wise my dad had beat me several times, I never really understood that it was abuse until not that long ago, things like hitting my legs together what seemed like as hard as he could, hitting me on the face as hard as he could, threatening to choke me out, etc. it overall made me feel pretty disassociated, I just didn't really understand why though, my relationship with my parents became this extremely hollow thing that felt like an obligation rather than having genuine parents. as I got older from 10 on they became increasingly mentally abusive on top of it, at age 11 my dad found out that I'm trans by looking on my computer and screamed at me for an hour and threatened to hospitalize me (He didnt know mental hospitals wont hospitalize people for it, and might've ended up trying to put me into conversion therapy or something) this is around where my mental health completely snapped, going into 7th grade, hitting age 12, I started becoming extremely suicidal, I thought about hanging myself at school or stabbing myself, it became too much to bear, not being able to be openly trans, being beaten, feeling on edge non stop, feeling completely invalidated to the core of who I am as a person. I became morbidly depressed and stayed that way from then on.",Stress +29407,"Anyway, long story short, he came over, we had a blast, we had dinner, watched a movie, cuddled, and he fell asleep on me. Four nights later the same thing happened :-) On our second date he told me he had anxiety issues and I just tried to listen to him. He's Spanish so English is his second language, which probably doesn't help his anxiety when talking to an American. Last night he came over and he told me had anxiety and depression issues and he's seeing a doctor.",Normal +29408,"Sunday (the 5th) she went outside to drink her margarita, and our 4 year old followed her (she'd been ignoring us all day). I went to help my 5 year old when she called me into the bathroom. A few minutes later, I head up to check on them, and I'm attacked with the accusation that I've locked them out of the house, that i""m crazy, how could I do this? Etc. The front door sticks, for what it's worth.",Normal +29409,"The first six months I had her she lived in a cage that could have fit two rats, the next year and a half she lived in a cage that could have fit four rats (this is following the formula where you multiply the dimensions of the cage in inches and divide it by 3456. The result tells you how many rats you can comfortably have in one cage.) I loved buying her new toys and treats and seeing how she took them. Trying new foods on her was one of my favorite things to do. The only issue is that I didn't really let her out of the cage much.",Normal +29410,"Each insult he roared, each that lie he told, and each bone that he almost broke became a brick of foundation boosting her will. She greatly missed the boy she fell in love with, but after years of torment and suffering she grew sick of her own lies. She hated the person she had become, and she was shocked to learn the number of years she wasted on him. So on an insignificant, sweltering day in July, she broke free of that little world they created, and finally rejoined the real one. Edit: typo",Normal +29411,"First post here, using a throwaway because for some reason I just don't want my regular reddit account attached, despite being fairly open about the fact I was raped. But I digress. In February of this year, I was raped by my (now ex) boyfriend, who also happened to be the only person I've ever had sex with. I was diagnosed with PTSD in September. The rape has flipped my life entirely upside down, and there isn't an hour that goes by where my mind doesn't screw me over with either thoughts of the rape itself or simply just HIM.",Stress +29412,And I don't even remember. Please help me. He says it's ok and he forgives me. But it's NOT OKAY. my diagnoses and the symptoms of it is never an excuse to hurt the ones I love.,Stress +29413,"This even negatively impacts me more because it causes me relationship anxiety, every time I have a freak out about travelling I start getting intrusive thoughts like ""what if I get there and realize I don't love him or I'm not attracted to him"" or when he sends me a text that makes me happy my anxiety creeps in saying that I'm secretly forcing any positive feelings I have for him. I know these are linked to my travel anxiety because they only pop up AFTER I've had a moment of freaking out thinking about the travel. Whenever we Skype, just talking to him feels like home, and talking about the upcoming trip feels just exciting, not nerve-wracking. This SUCKS, we're booking plane tickets next Wednesday and half of me is ecstatic but the anxious half of me is dreading it. I need to figure out how to calm all this anticipatory anxiety so I can just let myself enjoy my relationship, the excitement leading up to our trip, and even the trip itself (although I feel like once I'm there I'll be fine)!",Stress +29414,"He wants me to study abroad in Europe after undergrad, then return and work for the government in economics. I don't mind the Europe part, but I have zero interest in working for the government and am absolutely shit at economics and I've told him so. No matter how many times I express my lack of interest, qualification, or skill at economics, he ignores me and continues to push this path. It wasn't like this was something he's pushed on me my whole life - it's like he came up with this plan for me when I turned 18, and now is obsessed with it. I really don't know what to do.",Stress +29415,"I need some advice here. I'm not sure if my insecurities have run wild or if I'm justified in thinking my boyfriend is being out of line. He met this girl through friends who set them up and for their first date they went jogging. Weird, I know, but it's her hobby and he wanted to get into it. They'd never met before this.",Stress +29416,"Do some sort of entertainment such as playing music or the like(busking). 5. Other? Side Question: Any advice for being able to properly discern legitimate homeless people and ""fake"" homeless? Thanks for your time and I hope your situation improves.",Normal +29417,"I am more than my pain and I deserve that. LSD has helped me realize this. Don’t just take this willy nilly, it takes a lot of mental preparation. But the fact that I am doing more self evaluation and healing now than I have in years of therapy or whatever medication they said would make me “better” is incredible. Discuss?",Normal +29418,"Sit or lie comfortably, quietly. Allow yourself to be here fully in this moment. With your eyes closed, begin to connect with your inner world of thought and feeling. Gradually let the horseshit of the external world fade from your awareness. If you find your mind wandering to other thoughts, don’t let it concern you.",Normal +29419,"At the same time, I’ve been going crazy because if I’m not thinking about something else I’m thinking about him and various kink related acts. This isn’t anything I’ve actually experienced before (hell, I still don’t get attraction), so I’m confused. My issue is, he’s going back overseas for uni in a couple of days, and we’ll be seeing each other (in our larger group) tomorrow. Should I bring something up? Should I just leave it?",Stress +29420,"If the homeless who choose this life are happy or do it for fun, please let them be. & what harm to the rest ? Would it be such a bad thing if anyone could choose to live happily freely without care without social constraints constrictions impositions restrictions that the greedy powerful adults impose on the rest Pray look at our adults mess the environmental & other species demise °radation of this world. humans have created in the busy-ness of work in the aftermath of technologies the debris providing us with more & more useless commodities Why not allow a few homeless dwellers to remind us of the simplicity the less is more in living life. Let the homeless who choose be as free as the birds without worry for the morrow or live carefree as the little children, said the jewish guy who supposedly died on the cross",Normal +29421,I don't think the users there are harsh from what I saw but I think the whole atmosphere they are preserving there (I think the moderators encourage it) is kinda unhelpful to be honest...and I think the moderators there are shady and harsh. I think some of the resources are good but I just mean the forum. I'm scared to post this here but I don't know where else would be good to ask so I'm taking the risk. It's just that they both seem to be such prominent forums for vulnerable people. So I just wanted to know if anyone else had similar thoughts about them?,Normal +29422,"For the rest of the 7 years, I’ve received different forms of violent punishments. I don’t want to get into it but they involved sharp objects, attempts to drown me, paddling, etc. I was generally OK growing up, didn’t think about the abuse a lot, but friends started noticing strange behaviors and phobias that I cannot hide. Now at 30 years old I went to a therapist. I found out that my behaviors are probably caused by suppressing my memories and not finding proper closure from the incident because it’s as if I’m still taking the blame for an abuse that was done to me.",Stress +29423,"But my brain defaulted into my stoned embarrassment. Just having this idea people hate me when they don’t, missing my dad and punishing myself for not being able to help my dad through his alcoholism. Not that he deserves it. He’s dug his own grave and done things I won’t mention in this post. But raping my mom was one of those.",Stress +29424,"Don't have a bus pass or anything unfortunately. The question is...where? I haven't seen any homeless shelters near me, much less ones for women. I currently have no job. Nothing.",Stress +29425,"He is (objectively) pretty unlikable- only talks about himself when speaking to you- but you know, I try to see the best in people and ignored it when I talk to him. He claims he is bisexual. He introduced me to his lab partner, my current girlfriend, and I asked him if he was interested before pursuing her. He stated clearly no. Fast forward three months, it is winter break, and they are hanging out a bit frequently.",Normal +29426,"The cheap hotels aren't really any cheaper than the least expensive studios on ABB. Also, we ""slept"" in the car one night to save a little money and that wasn't so bad but we've got luggage in the car so there isn't much room. I'm also looking for a cheap storage that we could use for the bulk of our luggage while we transition to a permanent place. Any thoughts/ideas would be helpful! Thank you",Normal +29427,"I just told them I had too much anxiety and breaking up with my boyfriend made me really depressed. And that I didn't know what I'm going to do, maybe I'll find a job. So now I just stay home and go on my computer all day. I leave the house maybe twice a week. I have constant feelings about being useless and that I'd be better off dead.",Stress +29428,"So let’s say I like person b [16F] and recently went on a date with her. Person b [16F] tells me that my best friend is telling his girlfriend (who is person b’s best friend) everything that me, person c[16M] (our best friend as well), and other boyfriend discuss as a group of really tight friends. And I mean everything. Person b doesn’t want me to say anything, but should I confront other boyfriend, tell friend c, or just shrug it off? **TL;DR** Us three guys have been friends for three years now and met these girls about 6 months ago; what should I do?",Normal +29429,"We feel this is where it matters most. We think this can be great as a quick screening process for those who are switching to a team at work, meeting a Tinder date, or just within your social circles. We understand that moderation of false reports is a problem we'd need to solve, and think that perhaps we can “checkmark” reviews that have supplied references or evidence. Please give us your thoughts. We understand this is a controversial idea.",Normal +29430,"I have known her for several years and we are somewhat close but not ""best friends"". She confided in me that her brother died and I want to be there for her in any way that I can. I currently live 5+ hrs away from where she lives so I can't physically be there for her. Are there any sayings that I should avoid or use? What helped you after the loss of a loved one?",Normal +29431,"I went to therapy today, after my therapist returned from her three week vacation. She is great, but I had an experience that I am not sure about. At one point we were discussing my relationship with my worker. From what she said after, she is worried I do not trust him, and is worried that I therefore do not trust her. But how she phrased this thought was with the question ""are you trustworthy"".",Normal +29432,"He purposely said the most hurtful things to me during our break up to make himself feel better. And one of the worst things of all, like I mentioned earlier, he sexually assaulted and that also happened when he knew we were breaking up. Knowing how terrible of a person he is that some people have even told me he is a narcissist or sociopath, I don't know why I still think I should have just stayed, why I should have just seen if he could change despite how he never tried to change throughout our years together. I just want to stop myself from thinking this way and fully move on and have myself realize I am so much better off, and I even try to remind myself of all the bad things he has done but it seems that lingering thought of, ""Well, was it ever that bad?"" keeps returning.",Stress +29433,"Three months of this and talking with the one friend whom I could call for free between 9pm and 6AM due to AT&T's GoPhone policies whenever I could get away with it, or texting on a Nokia Tracphone (the ancient indestructible brick phone), and my sister lashing out at me about being ungrateful that they allowed me to come over and use the internet, triggered by my snapping back due to, something, I can't remember, and I just, stopped asking. Ended up losing contact with everyone but the one friend I could talk to maybe, once or twice a week for a couple hours. She'd try to keep me apprised of stuff going on with folks, and those phonecalls ended up bring the spark that bloomed into us being a couple, but... It wasn't enough. The same negativity, the same feelings of selfhatred, of self-disgust, of ***believing*** everything my father had dumped on me slowly took over.",Stress +29434,"I went to hang with friends for a movie night and it was wonderful. But damn, I felt really inferior. My friends are branching off and doing amazing things, and I feel I’m in the corner just trying to make it through the day, constantly dealing with chronic pain, low immunity, and PTSD. I’ve been doing a lot of therapy work around traumas I have experienced as a child, and that’s been good but also really hard. I’m just having a rough time tonight.",Stress +29435,"The rare times we have fought in the past, I’ve always had to be the one to ‘break the ice,’ regardless of the circumstances of the argument. I don’t have it in me to go grovel for the comfort I sorely need. Now I’m just trying to cry myself asleep. What’s the point of having a partner if they can’t offer the most basic level of emotional support? Is the writing on the wall - is he just too immature, and how did this parent/child dynamic creep in to our relationship?",Stress +29436,"So earlier today I was suffering from extreme derealization, depression, and anxiety. So what I did is I let the thoughts free and whenever I got a tnhoguht I ignored it and I think I just suppressed my anxiety deep down. Now instead of having a panic attack I'm having body symptoms of it. I can't think myself form the symptoms. I can't find the trigger it just happened.",Stress +29437,Nothing He kicked the door 18-36-30 He kicked it again and until he was sure his foot would bruise Calm down,Stress +29438,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +29439,"I can't begin to summarise how I feel about her. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, but I want to help work through this stuff together. Once she goes into an anxiety spiral I'm completely at a loss of what to do apart from hold her and stroke her hair. What strategies can help break the spiral when she starts one, and how can I approach the topic of seeing a counsellor and developing mindfulness strategies without her going into a panic attack? Help me /r/anxiety, you're my only hope.",Stress +29440,"I went there on autopilot, I was blank inside and I was ready to jump. My counsellor saw me through the window and called me on the phone, trying to distract me so she could send help over to me. Campus was pretty much empty, everyone in exams or already finished for the summer and I felt at peace. I was gently talked away from the edge by campus security and they took me to see my counsellor. I havent seen her since this happened and Im due back at uni next week.",Stress +29441,"Any help would be appreciated, after this coming paycheck everything should be ok. Prices Daily - $4 7 day - $25 31 day - $62",Normal +29442,"Some examples: spit on me randomly in the eye doctor's office, giggled and strolled off when I looked up at him in horror. We had some verbal exchange in the hallway and he slapped me so hard I couldn't feel the tear roll down my cheek my face was so numb, he pinned me to the floor one day and savagely beat me for at least 7 minutes straight for what reason i forget, after he was done beating me up he would punch in the back of the head repeatedly, this gave me headaches and i saw flashes with each blow. And he would often have a gleeful look on his face after he was done. For the longest I didn't know this was abuse, nor did I know I had developed all of these poor coping mechanisms to deal with being abused. He ruined my life without me even being aware.",Stress +29443,"He would distract me while I drove us places, until at one point, I backed into a parked truck, and I had never been the cause of an accident before. After that, I was not allowed to drive my own car. I was not allowed to drive my own car at all after that, unless I found the keys and snuck away, which was oftentimes very difficult. The summer of 2010, he forced me to move in with him, into a terrible run down duplex off campus, so that he could keep his mother’s pair of small, under socialized dogs who were not housebroken, and his sister, who was, with her husband, to begin college classes at this same university that fall, foisted her hyper 40 pound mutt on top of the burden as well. I will not lie, and say I am the cleanest person on earth.",Normal +29444,"EDIT: I should also mention that when I do fall asleep, I snore REALLY loudly and I can hear myself in my sleep. My boyfriend says that it sounds like I'm not breathing or trying to breathe. --- **tl;dr**: I can't stay awake during tv/movies! Don't want it to drive a wedge between my boyfriend and I.",Normal +29445,"The current study explores the experience of young adults aged 18 - 40 years who have previously been in foster care or had involvement with the Department of Child Safety/Protection and remained with their biological family. If you have a spare 10 - 25 minutes and are willing to participate it would be greatly appreciated. Please click on the link below for more information around how the process works and how your confidentiality will be protected. Thank you kindly for your assistance, as your experience will be valuable in guiding research and clinical interventions for those in the foster care system. ",Normal +29446,"Edit 2: This thread got so much more attention than I could have imagined, there's been so many people offering advice and sharing their life experiences. I don't think I've ever seen so much helpfulness and friendliness on the internet before and I just want to say thank you. I think I still have a long way to go, maybe these thought's will never disappear but today has been the best day since they began and it's in a large part due to the people who spoke on this thread. I've read every post here and will keep reading them. In short just thank you, everyone.",Normal +29447,"They’re out of town. I live in a pretty safe neighborhood, so I left the door unlocked for 30 minutes while I went on a run earlier. I always do that. Now I’m wishing I didn’t. Called two of my friends, but it’s late and they’re asleep.",Stress +29448,"He said he'd be back in the couple hours, never returned. I went down to the bridge spot around 10pm (~3 hours after he expected to return), recognized his bicycle, and left a note with a glowstick taped to it with my address in case he just forgot where exactly I was. Also left word with his next door tent neighbor. It's now been ~17 hours since he left his stuff here, which is obviously important, cell phone, warm coat, etc. I'll swing by the bridge area in a couple hours, but as of last night, his neighbors hadn't seen him since roughly when he left my place to return there before coming back to get his stuff.",Normal +29449,"Anyway our talk basically went nowhere and she said she absolutely will not stop hanging out with the group. I didn’t tell her to, but I did tell her that it hurts me that she would engage with people who apparently have so many negative things to say about me, and I thought blood was thicker than water. Really it’s her callous “yea I see you’re in pain but I don’t care, get over it” type of standpoint that’s hurting me the most. I’m starting to think she too participates in the trash talking and I’m thinking of cutting her off too. Should I?",Stress +29450,"For a bit of background, our relationship isn’t perfect. We’re different people. For example, I’m a very liberal individual, feminist at heart, not very sportsy. He however is more moderate, has much older parents and is more moderate in terms of gender roles and very sportsy. Overall though our differences don’t really bother me.",Normal +29451,But this incident has been troubling me for a couple of days now. I guess I am just sick and tired of my trauma interfering with my relationships. I feel bad for my boyfriend- he shouldn't have to put up with this stuff. I know he loves me and he is terribly worried. But I also feel bad for me.,Stress +29452,"He brought me to hang out with the two of them a few times. I'm not sure why he thinks I want to erode their relationship, this is another thing I'm still thinking about. My best guess is that my ""touchy"" ness comes off as flirting and he thinks I'm trying to take him from her? I do casually say things like ""I love you"" a lot too which just worsens it from that perspective. This is sorta horrifying to think about because I have absolutely zero romantic interest in him at all and the reason I valued our friendship so much in the first place was because there was no romantic/sexual element.",Stress +29453,No reply. I texted again a couple hours later and he again didn't reply. I saved myself the embarrassment and just didnt go out that night. I texted him the next day to ask what happened. Its been a week already since this happened and be hasn't once texted me.,Normal +29454,"For the dog, at least, I can get stuff for cheap dog food or something, but the cat we'd need cat food. All of this weighs on my mind. With my anxiety, I keep going over it in my head again and again. I know I need to see a therapist, but you guessed it, no money. I'm really hoping someone can help out.",Stress +29455,"And after every episode with them he treats me like shit for a couple hours at work I assume wondering if I know about his behaviour and if I’ll say anything. I completely ignore it and refuse to let it invade our work environment. It’s my world, and my people, and I’m his superior. He’s not going to win a power struggle, so I don’t even have to worry about it. Other days we get along fine from 9-5.",Normal +29456,"I can't tell if that's me being a toxic person or not, and I feel guilty for feeling relieved. We were such good friends once, but I have to admit we hadn't talked about art or writing (the things that made us friends) for years. My anxiety has muddied the waters, and maybe all my shit and all my emotional abuse crap did ruin everything and it was all my fault. Maybe I did end things because I'd felt blamed for 2 months straight and just wanted to get away from the anxiety it was all causing me. Maybe I should have been the one to grovel, because I'd fucked up so bad over the situation.",Stress +29457,I didn’t sleep that night and eventually was fine. Since then my anxiety has gotten worse- scary movies linger in my thoughts a little longer. I’ve had a few mini panic attacks. I can’t get intoxicated anymore Bc I don’t like my mind being In a different state. I feel like a darkness is over me and I just feel scared all the time.,Stress +29458,"Typically this involves simply leaving the building inside the dream. If I can find a door and get out, the dream goes away. Sometimes I wake up at this point, and sometimes I don't, but I always remember it the next morning. Has anyone else been able to ""escape"" from your nightmares in a similar way? I hope this is helpful for some.",Normal +29459,"His medical equipment (wheelchair, Hoyer lift, bedside table, trapeze lift and air mattress) belong to us to donate as we wish. We're looking for a good charity that would be able to pick these items up (So, with a truck?) and re-use them for a patient in need. Thank you very much for your help in this. If it helps, we're in the central Florida area.",Normal +29460,"A emotional turning point for me was at 16, my dog at the time, a Lovable and super friendly Labrador who was about 3 years, decided to wander out the gate and explore when he drove in after work one evening. It was a freezing cold night i remember. Ge had tried calling for our Lab to no avail as our lab was exploring down the road. My father (i hate saying that!) Started getting very angry, furious even.",Stress +29461,"He saved me from my family. I don't want to give up on him because he's never given up on me. TL;DR: Boyfriend often has tantrums where he throws objects around the room, but never physically hits me. Is this abuse? How do I get help?",Stress +29462,"I am moving in with my BF and am fine with doing it 'early' because I love him and want to spend more time with him, I am moving back to my hometown where I have a large safety net, and we are choosing an apartment that he can afford on his own if he needs to. I know having a back up plan doesn't sound romantic, but both he and I have discussed all of the above, and both of us are long term planners who place 'back-up' plans in place in case anything goes awry. I have always been in relationships where I was still able to be an independent unit and avoid too much commitment because I was always scared to lose my independence. But this is the first relationship where I feel like we're a really good fit, and it doesn't feel like a sacrifice I don't want to make. I will still be doing a lot of things on my own, he is also an independent person, and both of us have lived on our own for years and know we can take care of ourselves.",Normal +29463,"I want to note that I told my husband that if he came to me and told me for his sanity he needed to leave, I'd do it even if it was dumb for us monetarily. Nothing is worth him being tortured and putting pressure on our marriage. I think the reason we get by is because sometimes we can get away with once a day torture from my mother, she also helps us a lot (especially me) and some days are ok. He just feels harassed and I understand this more than anyone because I feel the same way. .",Stress +29464,"I hide my own set of keys. She tries to take her keys away from me and I refuse, which turns into a full-blown fight. I have marks and bruises all over my arms and back, as well as deep scratches from her fingernails. At one point, she had me on the floor, cornered on the steps, repeatedly slamming my head into the wall and shoving a loose key that fell off the keyring into my breast, still trying to get the rest of the car keys out of my hand. I'm not saying I didn't retaliate, but I only went to far as to push her away, never hitting her intentionally but more as an act of defense.",Stress +29465,"Bit of background... My abuser was my mother's father, let's call him J, because he doesn't deserve the title Grandpa. My mother's mother was H, because she didn't like us kids and doesn't deserve the title grandma. Between 1987 and 1989, I would stay at J's house for up to a week at a time and every night he would come into the room to abuse me. It always centered on sexual humiliation.",Normal +29466,"[Alice was raising hell about it in Europe in the '70s... and here in the '80s. But in those days, the only gasoline being poured on the fire were drugs and alcohol. Things have changed. Now we have machine guns anyone can get in a day if they know where to look. And unless or until this society gets up off its politesse and deals with its descent back into decivilization... deals with the epidemic fucking, battering and *psychotizing* of children... deals with mind-altering chemicals *everywhere*... deals with ""our right"" to own *machine* guns... what should we expect?",Normal +29467,"The thought of leaving my folks behind would definitely not be good for me mentally. I've thought about basically living out of my car, gym memberships to shower daily and laundromats to wash my clothes. Perhaps put all my stuff in storage and just keep working and save some money up. I live on long Island btw. Rent isn't cheap.",Stress +29468,"Which forced me to acknowledge that I haven’t been performing to my own expectations. Enter the anxiety attack. Sobbing, shaking, fidgeting, and rambling. To top it all off, I threw away my xanex thinking that I didn’t need the safety net. I thought I was done with all this...reality proved otherwise.",Stress +29469,"I live alone, make sure my dog gets the exercise he needs, I keep my apartment tidy, I do my laundry, I make sure I’m eating good, I work out, and I still hang with friends and such. Really, the only time I play video games is after work (which is normally after 8:30pm) or when I’m off. Even when I’m off, I still do chores and such between playing games. Even though I’m good at getting this stuff done, I still feel like there’s this weight on my shoulders that I should do MORE. Even when I cut video games out of the equation (which I did for the last week and a half) I still don’t do MORE because I’m normally too tired to do anything else.",Stress +29470,"I was nice, and it got me no where, so I was rude, it got worse. I compliment my mom and my sister as much as I can, I tell my sister I’m proud of her, I tell both of them I love them, I take care of my mom the best I can, but I’m still their verbal punching bag. Every day I tell my mom that I love her, that she looks pretty, etc etc, but it ends up in her replying with “you’re gonna fail this year you know that right? You need to do your school work”. My sister called me naive and immature for not making fun of people’s interests and looks.",Stress +29471,"Please don't make me feel worse. I mean, hell, I'm ashamed I even need to ask my boyfriend. But at least we have things to talk about and he's just naturally good at keeping me calm without even realizing he's doing it. He actually *helps* by being there. My mom and sister either do nothing or make it worse.",Stress +29472,"I apologised and thought that was the end of it. It’s gotten to the point that if I walk into a room, she’ll leave straight away, and if she doesn’t leave, or if I start talking to her or someone else, she sighs a lot so I know my presence is not wanted. If I’m in her general direction of travel, she’ll be sure to make a wide berth around me, and the only time she’s spoken a full sentence to me was to say “thanks for my present” that I got her for Christmas. Then we get to tonight. Eva and one of my brothers are staying over at our cousins house.",Normal +29473,"Living with her parents has since become untenable. Her parents have taken her car, which is not under her name, and are kicking her out of the house. She needs both a short-term plan to do minimal damage to her current career and academics, as well as a long term one to find an apartment or suitable living space. At this time, I do not believe she has any existent options for roommates. 1) What resources can she call upon to help her?",Normal +29474,"1. My father would abuse me consistently both mentally and physically from i think 4 to 14, maybe earlier. I don't really remember what all brought this on, but often it was school related. I remember being in a car seat, my mother didn't know what to do so she took me to him (my parents are apart), and i tried to run because i knew what was going to happen, and i remember crying so hard i hyperventilated, my mom promised never to do that again. He'd do it because of grades, because i misbehaved.",Stress +29475,I'll have written a letter to give to her. The letter is to repeat what I wanted to say for later so that she can read in case she has any misunderstandings or if I don't communicate it well. I don't know how to word my reasons to break up though. Obviously I don't want to say the reason is because of her physical appearance. Should I say I only see her as a friend but nothing greater than that?,Normal +29476,"I tell her this, which falls on deaf ears. Next day, we go to work things out. And I freak out when staff at the library call cops over us ""being loud"", I freak out over some very minor warrants. Which leads to her disappearing untill today when we have a meeting with a councilor. While waiting & the drop in center for the shower she assaults me & I block her blows.",Stress +29477,"A LARGE portion of each of my check goes to making payments to this card but with the interest charges each month I budgeted and itll take me decades to pay it off and cost me thousands. I was in a tough spot, jobless, homeless, and had to rely on the card but now I need to find options on how to pay it off or get a lower interest rate. I have heard of those advertisements about taking out a personal loan with a lower rate and using that to pay off the card then just paying the personal loan off, are those viable options? What is my best option right now, these interest rate charges are killing me and I can barely make ends meet. Any advice would be deeply appreciated",Stress +29478,"im so scared of everything around me, whenever I have a panic attack, I can't even call out for help, I just choke on my own breath and cry im just fearful of what's going to happen in the future. I'm already seeing a therapist but i've been relapsing so bad since september and i just don't know what to do it's been such a rollercoaster and it just feels hopeless to recover from this im sorry for bothering you guys i just need to talk.. everyone i can talk to is asleep and i wouldnt be able to talk to them even if I could, i feel so numb after the panic attack i had last night, i just.. Need a talk, a distraction or something, because right now I just feel so. wrong and out of place",Stress +29479,"Hey guys, I'm 31, moved to a new city with my wife for the first time back in October, and am experiencing on and off anxiety for more or less the first time in my life. A couple quick questions: 1. How do I know whether I should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist?",Stress +29480,Alright Alright Alright. I've been dating a single mom with two kids from two different guys who help out. She was married to the first for several years and has a 2 year old with the other. I've never had any kids myself. She is highly involved daily with many of the people that have been apart of her previous lives and relationships.,Normal +29481,"Posted this initially in /r/depression, but it's probably better off here. I went on an awesome 1st date with really cute guy. It was fun. He was super, smart, attractive, CHIVALROUS even... We're going on a second date soon. The problem is I have no idea if this is working or not.",Normal +29482,My boyfriend M(26) and I have been dating for a year and a half. We live together. We definitely have issues were working through right now but our relationship has been pretty good. Up until a month or so ago I was making all these future plans with him and so on. I’ve been on and off taking antidepressants for the past 8 months.,Normal +29483,"My wife and I live in New Bern NC a town impacted heavily by hurricane Florence. We live in a 2 bedroom 1.5 bath home with our 2 dogs, a cat and a rabbit. We are in our late 50's and lived a quiet life prior to the storm. 2 weeks ago 11 of my wife's family members and 6 dogs came to ride out the storm at our home. Unfortunately 8 of them now have no home to go back to, nor do their 5 dogs.",Normal +29484,"Here's a homebaked metaphor. This is only a reflection of my personal views, and is not designed to reflect anybody else's experience. ----- Just as witches and wizards in the novels avoid mentioning Voldemort's name, those who have experienced a trauma tend to avoid remembering it, thinking about it, speaking about it, anything that triggers the awful feelings and sensations which a traumatic event conditions us to associate with it. We go to great lengths to avoid doing or saying anything which will activate the trauma.",Normal +29485,"Use open-ended questions to avoid making the other person defensive. If you want to avoid argumentative responses, it is best to ask questions that invite them to speak honestly. *How:* This questioning style lets them know you want to be able to figure out some facts in order to reach a solution. **(5)** **Consciously Lower Your Voice**",Normal +29486,"Normal start of our day. He asked ""was the card worth the wait?"" I answered ""Yes, I cried, at the park"" he jokingly said ""of course you did, tiny tears x"" and then he asked ""did you take photos of the chocolates?"" I said ""yes babe"" and sent him the photo - he was still online but the last 2 messages wasnt read. The next message i sent was all about my day - that wasnt sent anymore, he was offline... i thought he was getting ready for his work and his phone died or his network... after an hour, I got worried, so I sent messages on all social media that he has, which I know.",Normal +29487,"I had no problem with that, but was kind of surprised that this was the first time I was hearing his cousin's name that he missed so dearly he spent 600 dollars on a plane ticket to go visit. I did not think much of it, but noticed that over the course of a couple weeks, he was constantly getting snapchats from Jessica, but was reluctant to open them in front of me. That was another thing that surprised me because he always would open things in front of me, and never had a problem with me on his phone. If he did open a snapchat from Jessica, he kind of pulled his phone closer to him so I couldn't see his screen. I noticed his phone background one day, and saw that it was a happy birthday card with a picture drawn on it, signed from Jessica.",Normal +29488,"At least 20 Ritalin 30mg maybe more (I've learned how to take many at once over the years of daily medication). I don't remember everything but i tried to lie to him and he had to drag me to the bathroom and tried to make me throw up. After a bit i realized what i was doing and tried myself. It didn't work. The scary thing is that when he went to call the ambulance and i thought i just might die i repeated to myself ""It's finally over"".",Stress +29489,"Hello lovely people! I'm looking for anyone who is interested in taking a 10 minute survey, with the chance to win a £100 (or equivalent) Amazon voucher. You need to be over 18, speak English as a first language, and be able to listen to some audio files and select matching pictures. I've been told it's fun to do! Anyone who enters will be really helping me as I try to progress my research into language and meaning.",Normal +29490,"Clearly he's hurting inside and I want to get him help, but he refuses to get help because he denies he has a problem, and blames it on everyone else. He then punches me as a result of this, pushing me almost off my chair. I get up and push him away from me, and so he picks up my workbooks and flings them across the floor. He raises his fist above his head, and in defense I get the broomhead (not the broom - that's already been broken) to push him away from me. He then gets the broomhead and throws it down the corridor into my room with the door open.",Stress +29491," When we had our first fight I did EVERYTHING I could to gain her back in my life. I quit smoking cigarettes because she went on a ""I hate all drugs and anything smokable"" rant. I tried to be more mindful and kind because she said I was the opposite. I tried to change because I wanted my best friend back. 4 months later she let me back in and I was so fucking happy.",Normal +29492,"I used to be kinda smart so I graduated high school with about a semester of college credits so i have that. I also used to be pretty tech savy and used to help my family with their computer/phone issues (nothing major though, virus removal, printer setup, etc). I was thinking about pursing an AS in BA at Broward College or a computer program at Sheridan Technical College such as these Someone on this website once recommended i look into coding, but i have no idea where to start or how to make a career out of it. What do you think i should do? What do you think my first steps to turning my life around should be?",Normal +29493,"I'm soo lucky/blessed that I have parents with an open home to me so that I am able to do this but I can't keep going on like this. I feel afraid to work. I feel like less of a man because of this. I worry about my future and if I'll ever get stable ground. Sorry, I needed to put my thoughts into text.",Stress +29494,"In order to be able to walk, I need donations. Anything helps and is very much appreciated. Thank you in advance! ! ",Normal +29495,"He came home from who knows where and he walks in. I asked him where he had been because i was starting to get worried. He was mad, i could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. Next thing i knew he was behind me with his arm around my neck squeezing. He continued as he threw me on the couch and wrapped his legs around my stomach.",Stress +29496,I wonder about that night. Did you ever get past that night? Did you have other nights like that? Did anyone ever ask if you were okay? Do you forgive me?,Stress +29497,"I thought they’d give me another date to come back or put me on probation but that did not happen. They told me I wouldn’t be allowed back to my house until my court date in a MONTH. And even that is certain. Well I found a friend that I can stay with for another 2 days but after that I’m unsure of what to do. I’m currently unemployed don’t even have a license, there’s literally no one I can stay with my parents are refusing to talk to me.",Stress +29498,"I don't have any point, I'm just overwhelmed and want to give up. No one's going to read this long of a post anyway. I don't want to tell my therapist, I don't want to go to therapy. It feels artificial and contrived and uneven. When I google all this shit the internet is like ""That's the ptsd talking.""",Stress +29499,"Today I made the choice to go sign up for a gym membership. The working out part isn’t hard. It’s the fact that it’s a new place, and fairly wide open. I struggle with open spaces. But I walked in and signed up!!",Normal +29500,"Hello r/assistance. My name is Cameron and recently I was denied my social security payments on the ground of my mental disability improving enough to be considered able to work. My doctor disagrees with their assessment and local social workers are helping me with my appeal. Unfortunately, due to the social security office filing my appeal paperwork slowly, I passed the deadline to where I could continue to receive payment while under appeal. If anyone would be willing to contribute to my bills while I am under appeal, it would be greatly appreciated.",Normal +29501,"Your brain could throw intrusive thoughts at you regarding ANYTHING that is really important to you - i.e. things you wouldn't want to be ""wrong"" or ""under threat"". But, bear in mind, your brain is trying to help you, it wants to ""check"" that these things are safe. Your brain also likes to save energy. So if you DON'T RESPOND to a thought, your brain will get the message that this thought wasn't ""useful"" and stop throwing it at you.",Normal +29502,"My girlfriend and I met through a messaging app. We come from the same country and speak the same language, so there is a sense of familiarity and closeness right from the start. However, as we grow closer, I'm starting to feel like she does not value our relationship as much as I do. I always put her above all else. I always try to find ways to accommodate her busy schedule.",Normal +29503,"Today was a horrible day from the get go and I had to call out because I cant function with other people (I work in retail) today so I claimed I had a fever. Of course it had to be memorial day weekend making it one of the worst times for this and they even of course said over the phone ""Well, this really puts us in a bind"". Now I'm absolutely paranoid that they'll find out or they hate me now or I'll get fired for this. I'm so paranoid I'm worried they'll see me or come to my house to check on me even though I know they would never do that. I just wish someone could understand or sympathize/empathize with me for once.",Stress +29504,"EDIT: Complete. Congrats to , I'll PM you about shipping. It was really hard to read all the replies, I wish I could help more people. My heard breaks for everyone that shared their story here. Having to ""select a winner"" felt like the most unethical thing - who am I to weigh one person's suffrage against the other?",Normal +29505,"It's sick and twisted. I've been getting nauseas and I've been having more dissociative flashbacks. My nightmares are coming back, but they're mostly of his parents. I'm afraid to see them, although my dreams are usually them telling me they understand. That they're not mad at me for going to the police.",Stress +29506,Some day it’s gonna piss them off and she’ll get killed. She lets people go ahead of her in line if she has more items than them. She lets people out of junctions even if she’s running late to places. Ends up holding doors open for tons of people and can get stuck there for almost a minute. Gave up her seat on a bus once when she knows I have a bad back and like to sit down.,Normal +29507,"I will always make strides to be there for others. To life my life if not to spite the voice behind my anxiety and take care of myself. I hope others struggling in this thread know that what is going on in your life is temporary...it will pass. “How do you know?” I’ve been at lower points in my life. Making risky decisions, drinking to drown out my sadness, and not wanting to take care of “me.” But you need to take responsibility in making the shift in your life to make it better.",Normal +29508,"We've talked about it before and she said that it's not like that and she cares about me alot and all that, but at the same time these type of things keep happening. I truly feel that she does care and doesn't mean to neglect me but its just frustrating. If I keep saying something I'll look like a bad guy thats trying to ruin her friendships which is not what i'm trying to do. She's going to tell her friends what I say and they're probably going to think i'm trying to get her away from them. **tl;dr**: Girlfriend is having trouble balancing friendship and relationship",Stress +29509,"A few weeks later, i found out that he had had a long term girlfriend the entire time. I felt like such an idiot when I found out. He reached out to me last month and I told him I knew he had a girlfriend the whole time and that if I ever saw him again I would literally break his nose. I'm still furious about it. I'm angry that he thinks he pulled one over on me and that he got away with it.",Stress +29510,"I've never been on this side of the road, being the one to let someone know I'm not interested. I wouldn't know how to go about letting her know without completely devastating her. I know there is a risk no matter what I say, but how should I go about it gently. --- **tl;dr**: Person wants to hook me up with his adoptive sister, we have nothing in common, how do I tell her that I'm not interested?",Normal +29511,"But upon second look, it can become apparent. It is hard to convey people's attitudes in a reddit post, but you can tell from people's vibes if they're being nice (and yes, that happened a lot) vs. if they have ulterior motives. So, maybe not the best reddit post, but don't think you can judge what happened based only on a cursory impression from the post. Besides the larger point is that the prejudice is rampant, whether or not you like my example. That's the larger point.",Normal +29512,"Trauma changed the trajectory of my life. But I don't know if I would feel this way about my options if I wasn't anxious and wounded. My ex and I broke up because he never liked to leave the house, even for daytime activities. I wonder sometimes how I am going to feel when I hit middle age. Am I going to feel like I do now?",Stress +29513,"If I ask her anything about her life or about my uncle who she lives with (66 stroke survivor), she answers vaguely “He’s fine” or “ask him yourself”. The unappreciative part come from the fact that when she asks me to do something and I have to say no, or if I imply a no, she gets completely mad at me. She’ll go “but I love you and do stuff for you. Your daddy would be disappointed in you. Fine, then, I’ll never ask for anything ever again.",Stress +29514,I want that. I want him as well as a SO but maybe I need more time. Its not fair to him. Maybe I'm more invested than even he is. I don't know,Normal +29515,"But how do I keep going with this girl and eventually ask her to hang out again because no romantic relationship can really progress forward until we're physically intimate with each other, but we can't get there unless we hang out. And she doesn't even like talking on the phone and just texts. I feel like I'm having a relationship with my phone sometimes and it's like a female Wilson sometimes lol (movie Castaway reference for those who don't know). Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and came out of it or anyone who dated an abused survivor, how do you advise that I progress things with her? \*\*TL;DR\*\* I'm dating a girl who was formerly in an abusive relationship.",Stress +29516,"At some point in the past year, we discussed living together. She seemed to be okay with it and never had any objections. Since both our rental agreements will soon expire (hers in May and mine in July), I started looking for a new place online. However, I noticed that she never really responded enthusiastically about anything I showed her or just plain ignored it. Last weekend, I confronted her and she admitted that she no longer wants to move in together, saying it is too soon for her and that she had been thinking about it for a long time.",Normal +29517,it wasn't my fault it feels like my fault I feel like the reason That mother shouldn't have had to bury her boy I should have been a better friend,Stress +29518,"Even when i offered to pay, she wouldn't take it. I worked an hour away from my house and she was the one who was driving. She got pulled over quite a few times for driving while suspended for the unpaid ticket. They got tired of it and impounded the car. So she lost her job.",Normal +29519,"Every day I hope she messages me, calls me, or post on my Facebook. Any advice would mean the world to me. Thank you. --- **tl;dr - can't get over my ex**: How to get over my ex!",Stress +29520,"But then i couldn't think straight. now i get flashbacks in school. I used to enjoy quantitative courses but now i get tension headaches from the flashbacks, and feelings of horror and hyperarousal. I just feel so violated and disturbed that it was for fear of his violence that i didn't close the door - and that he was watching me! My vagina feels tension too, which i read from a PTSD book is a common symptom.",Stress +29521,"They would text and call constantly throughout the day begging me to forgive them for hurting me but that they're in love and love can't be stopped. They got increasingly angry and started calling me selfish for trying to keep them apart. After I wrote a bit about the sexual abuse in an anonymous online diary my ex (who knew my username but I thought I had blocked from the site) started harassing me more. Angrily telling me that I need to stop pretending he raped me and how I wanted everything that happened and that I was just a jealous ex. I won't and kinda can't (remember missing pieces of time) go into all the details, but he gaslighted me pretty bad.",Stress +29522,My girlfriend and I have been dating now for 3 months. We have a very happy relationship most of the time. I love her and she loves me and we spend almost all our time together. She can be insecure at times and has a couple mood swings where she can be very happy to very upset. I do my best to bring her out of those slumps and usually I do.,Normal +29523,"This has *obviously* created some crushing tension in the apartment, with no one really having to go other than work during the day. (We've all recently moved to the area and don't really have family/mutual friends to stay with.) Flash forward to last night...I'm asleep on the couch and she comes in at 1AM, blackout drunk, shakes me awake violently to tell me of the Tinder date she just got back from and how awful it was. But the guy she had sex with last night was pretty good, etc. This goes on and on, turns to threats of violence against me for uprooting and throwing her life into whack.",Stress +29524,"Sometimes I'll stop and just stand somewhere or stare until I get snapped out of it. I don't know for how long but it can't be for more than 10 minutes. I just found out about catatonia and I show a few other symptoms. When I dissociate it's usually a lot more violent and delusional so I thought maybe it was something else. I haven't brought it up with my therapist because I just had a meeting with her before learning about this, am I just looking too deep into things?",Stress +29525,"I have no worth or identity or breathe. He has blamed me for everything. I guess I am getting an abortion. I was upset his friend brought him somewhere that he ran into a girl he loves, and even though it was just a second it really hurt me. He hides me from his friends and his friends reject me but all he says is I do not like his friends.",Stress +29526,"Email her? She lives in his hometown, so an in-person meeting is not possible, nor do I think it would be wise. Should I do it anonymously? Should I provide screen shots of our conversations right off the bat, or wait and see if she requests it? I feel like I may only have one shot to do this and want to make sure I do it right.",Normal +29527,"I could write a long book about it. The issue: My current issue is a strange one and I'm curious to hear other people's thoughts about it. Whenever my inlaws visit and stay the night, they bring 1 set of clean clothes and wash the ones they are wearing EVERY NIGHT. They do this regardless of the number of nights they are staying.",Normal +29528,"Rubbing with shoulders with people and socializing too frequently may also be source of stress as the soul and body needs to re-energize it frequently. This is similar to the phoenix rising from the ashes to become a stronger self- a dramatic example which, yet all too relevant. **Leave your Comfort Zone** The familiar can also be a cause of stress ass the more used to you is to familiarity the more stress any unknown element will give you. It’s best to change ones surroundings and indulge in new activities to push yourself to your limit.",Normal +29529,"I don’t live at home anymore, and I take care of myself. However, my father is the breadwinner and neither my brothers nor my mother think they can leave because they don’t think they’ll be able to support themselves. My brothers are still in school, high school and college, and live at home. My mother has suffered abuse from the time she had me about 33 years ago until now. My father would hit her but when I turned 16, I finally had the courage to stand up to him and tell him he had to stop.",Normal +29530,"Friends privy to the situation believe that she is just constantly keeping me on the back burner because I'm the safe option, when she isn't with somebody, or when she doesn't have anybody else. She knows I love her still, she knows I'd do just about anything for her, and want to be with her still to this day but nothing more than just an option. I always end up feeling the same in this situation though, worthless, low, wishing I was in a relationship with her. --- **tl;dr**: Me and ex have stayed in somewhat constant contact for 10 years, never get back together officially.",Stress +29531,"I only get it when I have a flashback or strong reaction to a trigger. I notice it sticks around even when I feel emotionally calm and can stick around for a long time after the trigger, like days or weeks. It’s a new symptom I think. Also been having lots of nightmares again recently. Not sure what to do as I’m not currently in therapy, but I am waiting to be seen at a mental health clinic.",Stress +29532,"I go through periods where all night I have nightmares and I can’t slee because of them. These periods last for weeks or months on end and then stop briefly. Three years ago I used to be on a medicine that helped with the nightmares, I can’t remember the name though. It was a really old blood pressure medicine from the fifties that they gave to soldiers returning from war and they figured out that it helped with ptsd too. But it made me so tired.",Stress +29533,"I've applied to many other places over the months and using services like Indeed and Monster. But no such luck as of yet. The whole issue has left me feeling angry. When I talked to my therapist about it, he did help; however, the conversation had the tone of ""being a man"" and doing what you need to do and after a while to simply let go of the anger. I'm not trying to disregard him, but I've been having a hard time understanding what he means.",Stress +29534,i faced up to myself. i completed probation. it's not the drugs i need. it's to leave my environment and everything i know; it's to get a fresh start. i'm only 22.,Normal +29535,"I suffered a concussion a month ago and I noticed it really has provoked my anxiety to be scared about getting worse and it has even led to me getting depressed and thinking of harming myself I have been like this before, I have had anxiety but not to this level. I have felt better since the concussion has healed but I am worried I won't recover from my anxiety and I have been perscribed Celprix (Escitalopram) and unsure if I should take it. I kind of feel like I can recover from this by getter back to my routine and return to work. Anyone else been through a life changing injury and had some bad anxiety from it?",Stress +29536,#NAME?,Stress +29537,"We've been living in my grandmother's house since loosing the apt. All of our possessions, as well as all of my grandmother's possessions were in the home at the time of the fire. The property was supposed to be sold on December 29th, but when my cousin who was also living on the property unexpectedly passed away on December 24th, the buyers backed out. Due to these circumstances, our home insurance had lapsed, so at the moment we have no resources to work with, except for the generosity of others. It's a massive tragedy for our family, because we didn't have any funds available for Christmas either, and between family, and friends, we were able to have a great holiday, but now all of those gifts are gone as well.",Stress +29538,I don't know what to do with myself ! At times I feel like just killing myself. but I have been thinking that for a couple of years now so thats not happening. . About a month ago I chose to go homeless because I was stuck.,Stress +29539,"I began to see a therapist and started taking some medication for my mood. I was really trying to improve myself. The first medication I tried, I now believe, made things like social anxiety worse. I recently found a medication (Zoloft) that has changed my life. I had been exercising, going out of my way to connect with old friends who I like in an effort to curb the isolation etc.",Normal +29540,"Unfortunately, money is what me and her don't have now. My friends' help has dried up, and I don't blame them one bit for that. After five months, I've exhausted pretty much all the friends I can. Going into every little thing that has happened could fill a book. Maybe I \*WILL\* write a book about it someday, I don't know.",Stress +29541,"This post was spurred by the fact that I was just scrolling through photos I took of my boyfriend last year and I found myself thinking, ""is this person actually my boyfriend?"" I don't mean that in a sappy ""how did I get so lucky"" way (although I did luck out with him, for sure) but more in a ""how do I see this person all the time and still feel like I don't recognize him in photos"" way. We've been together for over five years. It just... it doesn't make any sense. Normally I only do this with people from high school, many of whom I haven't seen since we graduated six years ago.",Stress +29542,He hasn't paid any child support. He isn't fulfilling the courts orders that would get him a chance to petition for supervised visitation. It feels like he's completely just disappeared from being a father but I still feel like he's going to come back. Even writing about it makes it hard to breathe. Is it silly?,Stress +29543,"So I've been dating my current girlfriend for 6 months now. Everything has been great. We get along great, haven't had any fights, sex is still amazing, all that. I've owned a condominium for 7 years, and its a decent sized 2 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath. Well, her lease runs out at the end of July, and I'm toying with the idea of inviting her to move in with me.",Normal +29544,"/r/MadOver30 is a sub for general discussion of mental health issues, specifically for the over 30's age group. ​ ​ ​ The group was started because a number of people at /r/mentalhealth expressed an interest in having a place to talk about mental illness with people who share a commonality of being in a more mature in years.",Normal +29545,"I recently posted here trying to find help to afford my rent after having to pay for my transmission to be fixed. It depleted the little I finally was able to save. I was able to afford the rent too but it caused an overdraft of about $100. I'm asking for $175, this will cover the overdraft and negative balance and give me enough to buy groceries for the next week (this will include a bag of dog food.) I can send a picture of the receipt of what the money is spent on.",Normal +29546,"I don't know, she's forgiving and all, but it's like, everyone has a limit and I would understand if she did break up with me. I just wish I could tell her right now. That would be impulsive and come out of the same energy as seeing a prostitute bc I'm lonely. I just want to get the anxiety over with. Looking for support and understanding before advice, but not opposed to advice if understanding is given.",Normal +29547,"He says she is a great girl, caring for him and he thinks she loves him. He, however, felt mostly intense passion and says he misses the spiritual connection. I think its still too soon for him to know after a few days, as the group of friends returned home and he is some more time on the road. He said even if he does not know what will happen, he must explore the passion with the new girl and he is happy that it happened. He said he feels a bit guilty cause its mostly passion he feels and the girl seems to be really into him.",Normal +29548,"and ""how could you let me do this?"" Although my family and friends will never see this, I'm here to answer the question: ""why?"" It wasn't as simple as some of my friends may think. I didn't magically wake up one day and think ""You know what, I think I'll let my abuser walk me down the aisle."" It's taken 5 years for me just to sit across from him and have dinner without having a full blown panic attack.",Stress +29549,"My version of events wasn't believed due to ten other witnesses denying it and I was expelled immediately. I got home and unexpectedly my bags were already packed. My sister-in-law walked up to me, gave me an insincere hug, and said ""Your actions have consequences. You're going to Portland two weeks early."" I asked if I could say goodbye to my nieces and nephews and friends and she said ""no.""",Stress +29550,"He ended up grabbing me by the neck with both hands and slamming my head against the wall in the hallway, he threw me the ground I hit the radiator and then he threw a bucket at me that had a toy and DOG SHIT in it (i genuinely don't think he knew there was dog shit in it, he just threw whatever was there...and our dog must have shit in it.) I didn't pass out this time. He went upstairs and slammed his door and locked it. I got right up and ran up the stairs and told him to let me in to get my shit so I can go. He told me to leave and I started kicking the door and demanding he lets me into get my shit so I can go.",Stress +29551,"I was having a mild form of attack during the appointment too, but I don't think the hot flash was there. Does anyone else experience this? Thanks everyone! EDIT: I forgot to mention I'm doing nofap, but only today have I started doing it right, since until now I've still been edging which is bad. This might temporarily unbalance your hormones, so maybe it's contributing.",Normal +29552,"That freaked me out. I was tired after probably from a sugar crash and I immediately assumed I was going through a calcium OD and was going to end up in a coma. Then I went home and opened a Snapchat and got deja vu (I thought I read that Snapchat before). I experience deja vu like that frequently, and googled it and it said I could have a brain condition or epilepsy... If I’m going to have to live like this forever sometimes I wish I wouldn’t wake up.",Stress +29553,"Apparently with this new technology, my entire phone shuts down for 5 minutes after making an emergency call. I'm waiting to tell work about what happened, that I can't come in. I'm going to the hospital with her. I don't care if they're mad or if I get fired. I just feel so shaken and scared still.",Stress +29554,"My anxiety caused me to become independent and cold towards him, but inside I was screaming. All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything was fine. But my anxiety got the best of us and caused a rift. We broke up for a week and then when we got back together we were really good for maybe a month or two and the same insecurities slipped in. Mind you, he has NEVER cheated or even acted interested in other girls.",Stress +29555,"Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest. ",Normal +29556,"I feel like I've taken a giant step back. I'll address this in my next counseling session, but does anyone know if this sort of reaction is common during a recovery process? TL/DR: Abusive relationship led to a violated protection order. The subsequent criminal trial has made me question my emotional stability, and memories. Are the symptoms of CPTSD causing me to fail in my interactions on a day to day basis, or has there simply been a bizarre miscommunication?",Stress +29557,I wish I could go back and just not fuck up so horribly. I was begged not to go out on this date from tinder. My friend was raped off tinder and told me all guys want are sex off tinder. I had talked to my assaulter and told him I didn't want to be touched and he was fine with it and seemed perfectly normal. I'm so stupid.,Stress +29558,"Every morning I wake up and it's there on the exact same spot. This has been happening for the past 4 days and I thought I need to reach out to someone if they can help me at all? I have convinced myself I have a brain tumour, I keep feeling dissociated and completely out of it I keep touching the same spot on my head like every 20 seconds like a compulsion and it's really getting me down. When I swallow i feel as if i can feel a pulling sensation near the spot where this is happening. It's not exactly giving me a headache but it's disturbing me to which i notice it.",Stress +29559,"Hi, so I’m a guy (mid 20s) whose been in a relationship for over 2 years with my girlfriend. I’ve been talking to for at least 8-15 hours a day in person or over the phone, every day, for the entirety of the last 2 years. She had moved in with me around 2 months ago. I don’t have any friends other than her. We recently had a near-relationship ending encounter (entirely my fault) that caused some distance between us for about 2 weeks before she moved back in a week ago.",Normal +29560,This is my story I feel I should share in the case things every turn bad. When I was a kid my brother use to practice the choke slam. At first it was fun but when I grew up it wasn't. My brother continue to abuse me for years . He called me names and some days I believe him.,Stress +29561,"I'm not sure why I'm making this post, really. I guess I'm afraid. Is houston ""safe"" to be homeless in, compared to other cities? I'm 5'10"" and about 150 lbs, so I don't think anyone would mess with me, but...I have seen some of the homeless people here and I really hope I don't offend anyone, but they look crazy :/ I'm sure it's very rough for men, also, but being a 22 year old homeless woman is a terrifying thought. where do I sleep?",Stress +29562,"I was told by a friend of mine that if you ship something straight to the airport, and just have the receiver pick it up, you would be saving an enormous amount of $$ as opposed to sending it directly to the recipient. Does this hold any truth, anyone know? If you've got any ideas like the one I've posted I would be more then thrilled to hear about it! P.S. The items vary in size, so if you know about a method that if best suited for, lets say items under 5 pounds, I would still love to hear about it!",Normal +29563,"Now like I said, I am working hard to try and get a better job while balancing school (the good grades I've gotten in the past year and a half seem to be only things I have going for me right now. That and martial arts) and at the same time, I'm considering asking for another shift at my current job as an absolute last resort. But this anger and feeling like a loser is really something I need help dealing with. Tl;dr: My car died once and for all a few months back and my job sucks. And even though I'm working hard to improve the situation, I feel angry and I feel a like a loser.",Stress +29564,"I used my forearm to push the plate I was eating from off the counter. A glass bowl fell to the floor as well and shattered. The noise woke my dad up, who went to bed nearly black out drunk a couple hours before this. He immediately started screaming at my friends to “get the fuck out” and aggressively pushing them out of the back door. He then grabbed me by my arm and shoved me out the door yelling “take her fucking ass with you.” My friends sat with me for a minute and asked if I wanted to leave with them.",Stress +29565,Nobody should ever have to put up with that and have to live in fear of someone who can fly off the handle like that. I wish so badly I knew who she was so that I could tell her in quiet that if she ever needs a place to escape that my door is always open. Sorry for my rambling. I'm just not sure what to do or how to approach this. Any help would be greatly appreciated.,Stress +29566,"I'm new to Reddit and have only really discussed my issues with trauma and PTSD with my partner and therapist, and I am struggling with the random dissociative cycles of derealization and depersonalization. And I'm so tired of it. I've been in therapy for half of my life. I write and also listen to music to help when I'm having issues, but it never feels like enough. So I started talking to myself (which I do under stress) and drinking and this was a piece of the conversation:",Stress +29567,"I didn't phone a crisis line again, it was daylight by this point so I phoned the therapist. She talked me down for an hour, and got me to agree to go into my social workers office since I still couldn't calm down. She gave me a free appointment the next day. But when I went to it, though sympathetic, she made it clear I had to commit to stop drinking if we were going to get any meaningful work done. She said she wouldn't abandon me, she would sit with me, but that she couldn't ""be"" with me, affected as I was by the alcohol.",Normal +29568,"Hello, first time posting in this sub. Thank you for having me. Does anyone here have a co\-occurring psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder along with PTSD? There is some interesting studies explaining how they can really affect each other. I was wondering how it might be for others who experience both.",Normal +29569,"NEW STUFF: I called the movers last week and told them to refund both the deposit and the money order and gave them until that Monday (7/17) before I filed a criminal complaint. This morning (7/17) I called both the ""billing department"" and my moving manager guy to tell them that the money still hadn't been returned. The billing department hung up on me and Arthur, the moving manager, told me that the billing department had not, in fact, hung up on me. I told him I'd be going to the police.",Normal +29570,"The only way to really settle disputes is to listen carefully to what is being said. If you are only paying attention in order to retaliate, then you aren't really listening at all. *How:* Truly listening to someone will help diffuse their anger and allow you to really understand the problem. **(4)** **Ask Questions**",Normal +29571,"I feel like I'm letting this take over my life, I'm constantly worried, about what if is more then just anxiety. I went to the university psychiatrist, after a 15 min talk he gave some pills and he book the next consultation for a mouth later. The psychologist is impossible to book because is full. My parents are away they worry so much, they want me to come home, I live 5 hours away from them (this includes flying). I just don't know, I feel really insecure about all of this.",Stress +29572,"My bank didn't notify me at all, though a lot of the transactions happened outside the country. I currently have about $8 to my name from my savings, which has since been overdrawn. I have been looking for a new job, staying at this one because I have a good boss and because it pays above minimum wage. People effortlessly walk all over her, and though she gets mad about it, company policy as well as her personal precedence, has really tied her hands. I'm one of about three reliable people, and get saddled with the shifts no one bothers to show up to.",Stress +29573,"I know it’s terrible and selfish and obviously people can be friends with each other but I just miss having a really strong and healthy friendship with another girl the way that we did. I want to have a good weekend but it feels impossible now, and I want everyone there to have a good weekend and I don’t want to make it bad. I don’t know what to do. So I just feel like crawling into my little isolation hole and being sad by myself while knowing that everyone hates me... to be honest I don’t know why I’m overthinking it cause honestly no one would care if I did isolate myself. It’s just I want to be better, not just for other people but for myself too.",Stress +29574,"The problem is that before I even ask for him to do this like a grown up, I have gone fully Zuko fire bender mode and decided to unleash my wrath on Joe for not doing this. Other stupid occasions I have done this? Well, did it cause when we were long distance he wouldn’t initiate calling (I know Joe too well to know this is just unnatural for him), holding my hand more than he does, coming home and giving me a kiss, honestly he has a faster pace and I even equated him sometimes not walking at my pace as him not caring. What has Joe actually done to show me he cares? He puts up with my rage and abuse, he helps with my mother (who is nuts herself, so I guess I take after her), he has offered financial help if I need it (doing MSc).",Normal +29575,"I never felt so uncomfortable and scared other than the night he did put his hands on me and it was exact same feeling today. That was the scariest part. It felt like that night never ended and I was just at the peak of emotion. I know most of you will say ‘you need to leave’ or something obvious - yes I know. But things aren’t that easy and than there’s a me that is holding on to a stupid fucking thread of hope that he, of all people, will change.",Stress +29576,"I just need to vent and receive some advice/ encouragement. I just went through major jaw surgery (I replaced the TMJ joint disk with a fat graft) and my mouth is now wired shut for the next 9 months. To fill the time I would have spent talking, eating, and generally having a good time, I have instead been studying for all the standardized tests I need to go to a good college. I studied at least 4 hours a day and put a strain on my recovery (this is because my upper body muscles were strained which affects my jaw and subsequently my new disk). Luckily, my hard work payed off.",Normal +29577,"She rebuffed most of the time, trying to get out of the situation. But several times, he asked her to work late or to visit his office when he knew no one would be around. Come to find out, a few of those times, he called her into the office and closed the door and got touchy/feely. She was uncomfortable but admitted that she never told him no. She said ""This is wrong"" several times but never got up and left.",Normal +29578,"I've dealt with treatment resistant depression since I was a child. I began therapy at 10 and over the years tried more medications than I can possibly recall with no success. Last summer a Ketamine Treatment Centre came to my city and i became one of the first patients. It turned my life around. For the first time, something worked.",Normal +29579,[Here is the original So far the 4 rolls of dark purple tulle and 2 rolls of light purple have arrived- thank you u/sunriselady_44 for the tulle! ! Thank you u/falcompro for the various spools of Tulle! The Sparkly Silver Tulle arrived today - it is STUNNING!!,Normal +29580,"If you want to chat about anything, visit the support forum and hang around to find a member of support staff (such as myself) who will do their best to support you through whatever you are going through. We are based in Dundee, Scotland (UK) but have supported survivors from all over the world. Those who are local, or are willing to make the trip, we have Centre in Dundee where you can talk to volunteers and support staff in person. I hope you all find the peace you are looking for, Ross",Normal +29581,"In the meantime this girl texted asking what time he'd be there, but he didn't reply. Following day when she asked why he didn't reply/show, instead of sharing that he was saw me, he made up a story how he got stuck driving someone to the airport then followed with ""I wanted to see you more than anything."" At this point I royally freaked out and he said the reason he made up the story about driving to the airport was because now that it looked like he committed to attending, it'd be easier to come up with some urgent non negotiable reason why he couldn't make it (rather than look like a jerk that ditched last minute for something else that popped up without giving any notice). Again understandable. I do buy the story because when the girl called, she told me nothing was going on beyond friendship and that they hadn't talked in forever, she said she herself was busy with a new relationship which why is they hadn't talked beyond simple texts here and there, which would explain why she didn't know he was dating me just until that moment.",Stress +29582,"So besides my dad, my entire family is toxic to me. My mum and older sister uses guilt a lot. My mum storms off on a regular basis and says no one cares about her or whatever. My older sister does the same thing too but instead she verbalises it and says ‘FINE IF I DIE EVERYONE WILL BE BETTER OFF’. My second sister is reckless, spends money she doesn’t have, constantly lies and irresponsible.",Normal +29583,"Both him and my mom left pornographic magazines laying on their bedroom floor ( we were in the process of moving and I saw them and was grossed out. Then they joked around about how I reacted and that they were my biological dads magazines and i should get mad at him for it. ( No older than 14) My stepdad told my mom (this is what she says) that I wanted a massage, i was sleeping on the couch and my mom for whatever reason got freaked out and ran out of the room naked to see what was going on. And she says that he saw her and stopped walking towards me (13) my mom did ask me if anything happened on the way to school",Normal +29584,"I thought we had an open door, honestly policy about our hook ups, but last week found out he'd made out with a few people during our relationship that I didn't know about. I got hit by a wave of how incompatible we are and tried to break up with him but I realised I was being a hypocrite and letting my insecurities control me and I mended things. ANYWAY, onto the issue. I had a pretty scary time with a friend of mine last night. He invited me around for a few beers, and maybe two drinks in he asked if I'd be down to have sex.",Stress +29585,"He knows that I'm still on the fence about pot and, without me even asking, promised me that he would not do it. But, last March while he was gone, he got extremely drunk and ended up smoking. He got extremely sick and ended up vomiting and passing out on the bathroom floor of their bus, and called me the next day and told me everything. This was extremely difficult for me to process. I couldn't really understand how something that he swore off doing he just... ended up doing.",Stress +29586,"Throwaway account for . I'm 27M, she's 26. Downloaded Tinder a couple years ago after my last long term relationship. Never thought I'd find someone I might actually be interested in and haven't met someone from Tinder in a few months because I don't love the thought of it, wasn't meeting the kind of girls I really want to date and I'm not getting any younger. But, one night in late Nov I got a new match and she seemed like someone I would really enjoy spending time with.",Normal +29587,"The last Sticky thread before this one: There is all kinds of things that friends or therapists say which has helped us, what helps for one person doesn't help for another, but I think it may be helpful if people share what has helped them here. It doesn't have to specifically be related to abuse, it can be advice that helps you in general. I guess what helps me is to remember that any one person can only do their best under the circumstances, not more.",Normal +29588,"Hi reddit. I never thought I would need to post anything here, but over the weekend, tragedy struck people that are very close to my heart. This request is not for me, but for some close family friends. Saturday night my friends were on their way home from their baby shower. They were hit by a drunk driver with a previous DUI and a suspended license.",Normal +29589,"He told me that I needed to be naked because he wanted to see my “sexy body” he said a lot of sexual things and took off my clothes. I was naked; exposed, lying on his bed on my stomach with my head in a pillow. He flipped me over and sat at the foot of the bed. I put a pillow over my face and at this time it all becomes a blur. He was giving me oral sex, fingering me, and telling me how “hot” I was.",Normal +29590,"Long story short: Worked in a call centre for 4 years for a vehicle breakdown service, starting to not be able to cope with it any more due to a combination of things (change in management, not enough staff for a constantly expanding customer base, rewards based on whether your face ""fits"" rather than actual demonstrable achievements, etc). Unable to relax after work, constantly thinking/dreading going to work. Get random mood swings about it, either intensely rageful, or wanting to burst in to tears. Headaches that go on for 3 or 4 days at a time are now a regular occurence. Starting to manifest in other physical ways (unable to sleep, constantly weary, having a lot more sickness than usual).",Stress +29591,"I also have been taking Zoloft 25mg for 12 days. I plan to start exercising nightly for 20 minutes beginning tonight. I want to do all that I can to alleviate my symptoms but if there is a cure, I would love to know. I'm not a patient person and this illness is really making me fed up to the point where I'm getting angry! Anything helps!",Normal +29592,"Not a huge amount of weight, but it was a big deal for me. I was on the treadmill every night for 45 minutes. I was doing good. Now I can't be on the treadmill or I start feeling ill again. Anyway, after the garbage issue I ended up in the hospital again.",Stress +29593,"I feel like I'm dying. I know that I'm not but I feel like it. I'm at the end of a cold. Not a cold that I sometimes make up in my head, but an actual cold. Stuffy nose, chest congestion, scratchy throat.",Stress +29594,"Rarely, I forget about the symptoms. Rarely, they don't bother me, but they still are occurring always. I have seen two different doctors about this. They ruled out a few things and suggested that it was purely anxiety and that I go on an SSRI. I have not gone on an SSRI yet, however I am planning to do so ASAP.",Stress +29595,"Hey guys, Would like to know your opinions. I was sat on the sofa with my girlfriend and all of a sudden we could hear our flat door being pushed as if someone was trying to get in... I jumped up and said ‘Who is it! ?’ to which whoever was trying the door said ‘Sorry, I thought this was ground floor’.",Normal +29596,I’ve received hundreds of harassing contacts from him and he’s even tried to extort my friendship back by threatening to expose sex tapes. I’ve already endured years of his psychological abuse and him physically raping me in the ass while we were together. I’ve already endured seeing him and the fact that he brings another man that raped me (and he knows it) to every hearing so far. I’ve endured him harassing our old mutual workplace and every individual mutual contact we had when it first fell apart. I’ve had him flip friends on me and had to move twice in the past to years to hide my location from him.,Stress +29597,"I (30F) married my husband (31M) about 6 months ago after dating for 2 years and knowing each other for about 14. When we first hooked up, I had a very successful career in the adult industry and I supported him for almost 2 years before he got a job. He knew what I did before we hooked up because I had been in the industry for years and everyone back home knew. He told me multiple times that he accepted it and he loved me regardless. However, He has been very abusive, always blaming it on my job before and now that I have retired since our marriage he uses my past against me during every fight.",Stress +29598,"I'm afraid of going into too much detail only because I constantly fear that he knows that I talk about him. To keep it short, my father was physically violent towards me, my mother, our dog, mistreated all of his animals, leaked our information on shady sites before multiple times, and has made my life a living hell up until I went to court to stop having visitation with him. I almost died twice thanks to him. I thought that it wouldn't really affect anything outside of startle reflex, trust issues, etc, but here I am years after my last visit with him and it's still affecting me fucking terribly. I just sat in bed sobbing for a half hour because I'm afraid of everyone around me.",Stress +29599,"I’m trying to tell myself it’s like being beat up on the street by a stranger - it’s only once, but it still happened and it’s traumatic. 2) Related to the above. It WASN’T a stranger. It was someone I loved and trusted and I can’t believe he could have done this. He never treated me right, not truly (except maybe in the very beginning), but I never even saw this as a possibility.",Stress +29600,"He forced me into sex again... And if I refused he became violent. Once I had mentioned to a friend how I hadn't wanted sex and hoped that jacking off would be good enough, and having overheard this my punishment was to be slammed into the wall and the table then thrown to the floor. When I pushed him back, telling him to quit, he kicked me down to the ground and heel kicked my back until I had a panic attack and collapsed unable to breathe... I spent most nights waiting for him to pass out, which he never did, and running through our small mini-winnie as he chased me with a knife... My dog would come out from under the table (she was a rescue who had been abused) and would trip him up, letting me escape, and he'd hold her hostage-- letting me spend most of the night in the cold, out in the boondocks where it was common for truckers to come through and cougars to attack farm animals and pets. If he felt sober enough, he would chase me down the road for a few hundred yards, and I would walk the three miles into town and wait in the park by the police station until I was sure he'd passed out...",Stress +29601,"So I guess I'll jump right in. I have PTSD, and have for about 15 years with varying degrees of symptom severity after a sexual assault. Right now my symptoms are pretty well controlled and I am in regular therapy. Largely I am only dealing with nightmares and a heightened startle response and doing really well overall. In the last year I started dating an amazing man.",Normal +29602,I was working at a labor pool when ever I could. He kicked me out of his moms house once I ran out of money and didn't get work one week from labor pool. I walked down the street to some friends house he introduced me too. Been here 2 Weeks. They are alcoholics.,Normal +29603,"Her mother, who has been a full-time elementary school teacher for 28 years, is her primary caregiver, but when the mother is working as a teacher, this amazing lady needs a Licensed Vocational Nurse (LVN) to assist her with her ADLs and health needs so the mother can provide the family income. Her LVN attends to her physical and health needs everywhere that she goes during the day at home, in her college classes, out in the community, and her volunteering sites. She had good luck with LVNs, but her last LVN unfortunately no longer has worked with her since December. Since November, her family has posted the job opening six times online, asked all the local Vocational Nursing schools to post the job, and countless people posted the job opening on social media. No one applied for the enjoyable position, except for one, but she lasted for four hours and she decided that she didn't want the job after all.",Normal +29604,"Me (28F) and boyfriend (39M) been happily monogamous for 1.5 years. We have a good sex life. We have only mentioned a couple times that it might be hot to add someone else to the mix, if the right opportunity presented itself. I met her (22F) in my pottery class and immediately felt a girl crush which is really out of the ordinary for me. She’s super cute and we have hung out as friends on several occasions.",Normal +29605,"So I'm currently in a decision if I suffer from social anxiety or not. If I can I will ask ny step mom tonight as we like to watch TV at night diwn stairs with a cuo of tea but thats if she doesn't go to bed straight away. I know I'm too scared and will just freeze up to ask her to stay down. I want to tell my step mom because I know she will tell my dad, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone else accept for my nan. I'm in a really tough situation right now as I want to see a doctor or therapist about this but I need to tell someone first.",Stress +29606,"Eddie can think back to being 10 at the farthest. I can access very little memories of us being younger than 10, but it's few and far between. Our therapist asked us collectively to try and ask our brother what our childhood was like growing up. I feel like we cannot...do that. We aren't exactly close to Eddie's brother as much as he wants to be, so asking this kind of serious stuff could result in nothing being figured out.",Normal +29607,Is it normal to feel hopeless and scared that i won't find love again? tldr: got cheated on a bunch and dumped because i cried on Christmas due to a breakdown re: being cheated on all the time and feeling worthless. scared about finding love in the future. Apologies for the mess. I've been talking myself out of writing this for a couple weeks now.,Stress +29608,"Anyway. I quit my antidepressants several months ago because I am in a good place now, and I can survive without them. I just find that thoughts like this are still very present, and can be very difficult to deal with. I never do apologize on Facebook. TLDR: I want to apologize on facebook for not being normal and being awkward AF.",Normal +29609,"Itʻs at the point where I am scared I canʻt focus on driving and will crash or just space out going 45 mph. In the past Ive had 3 major ""panic attacks(?)"" where my whole body is in pins and needles and I canʻt breathe well but they were all triggered by major emotional events. I also used to get really bad nightmares about dying and the afterlife when I was a kid and my mom would have to rub my chest til I fell asleep. I never ever thought it was anxiety and I didnʻt want to diagnose myself because I know some people actually have it and I wouldnʻt want to compare my stress to that.",Stress +29610,"It is the winter and Tyler and I have been going out ice fishing a lot, it’s nice because I get to spend time with him and it’s something we both like to do. Well, once Zack found out, he tells Tyler all the time how they should go, etc. Well, Tyler fills up his truck (it is never under $120), fills up the four-wheeler ($60), and Zack walks over to our house with nothing but a helmet. He has absolutely no ice fishing gear, but knows Tyler does and, again, uses Tyler under the guise of “friendship” so he can go. AKA, I don’t get to go anymore.",Normal +29611,"And they all make it sound like I will have infinity free time and money to go exploring all over where I'm going, like I'm going on a damn vacation. I'll still be spending all my free time job hunting. If they want me to come right back to a shithole that doesn't want to hire me because I'm supposedly overqualified just by existing (I keep getting rejections telling me I'm overqualified except for the one that asked me to fill out yet another application despite me handing them one two weeks ago), maybe they can pay my way and then they can pay for all the months that I don't have income. I have come back here too many times already to nothing, and they seem to think I'm just hanging around having fun living in my car. Unbelievable.",Stress +29612,"One of the couples I know is made up of cancer survivors: the male had cancer as a child, thankfully beat it, but developed PTSD from the experience; the female has had 2 different battles with cancer (brain and breast), beat them both, but suffers from significant developmental issues (including cognitive delay and balance issues). They represent polar opposites on the spectrum of how cancer survivors can view the world: one feeling positive about having survived so much, the other being angry with the world that it happened in the first place. That's neither here nor there. I'll stop for a moment to explain that I'm not one of those that feels PTSD isn't a real condition. I grew up in an abusive home for years, and it wasn't until my mid 20's that I began come to terms with how subtly that had affected me over the years.",Normal +29613,"So, I used tap water in a neti pot. My cold seemed to get worse right after. I googled, “Can a neti pot make a cold worse?” Suddenly, information appears that if you use tap water in a neti pot you can get that brain eating amoeba, Naegleria fowleri... (the same one that kills kids who swim in fresh water). I guess two people in Louisiana died from it via tap water\neti pots a few years back.",Normal +29614,"""What is nothing is real? What if everything is a figment of your imagination?"" I panicked, and grabbed the couch, but the voice inside me said ""It doesn't matter if you grab the couch, what is the couch isn't real? What if your house isn't real?"" At this time I called my brother, sobbing, and told him to get my mom.",Stress +29615,"He agreed. I told him a million times, when we were together and after we broke up, that loyalty is my #1 in relationship, period. I hate cheaters more than anything in the world. He knew that from the very beginning. Yet recently found out that I was cheated on for more than 6 months before we broke up.",Normal +29616,"I would also paint a picture for the person who helps, as I am an avid painter. I just want to get this done as food and everything like those necessities is taken care of, but I don't have the funds to get this done before the 7th. If you can help, it would be appreciated so much! Thank you for your help and consideration! PM me with any questions and I can explain further.",Normal +29617,I'm assuming I have PTSD and my work gave me a number to call and I'm debating doing so. But I hate asking for help and I feel pathetic because nothing happened. I'm physically fine. I just really need advice because I'm struggling on how to feel. I don't know why I can't just brush this off considering I'm alright.,Stress +29618,"Back ground, me and my girl have been homeless independently for about a year and we've been together for six months now. We lived in Olympia Washington for a while and where trying to make it and eventually move out of the toxic town. I received about 3.5k$ worth of back pay EFC payments the state owed me and shortly after my girl's grandmother died and she wanted to make it to the funeral so we decided to make a road trip of it, get jobs in florida and be set. We figured the lower cost of living would offset the vastly lower minimum wage and we'd be fine. We both got jobs at her old workplace (Wendy's, never go to the Lakeland Highlands Wendy's so many healthcode violations btw) and worked for two months and got fired for bs reasons (I got trained wrong and wasn't told about 60% of my responsibilities by a guy who was on his phone 75% of the time and quit a week later, she overslept and no call no showed one day and got immediately taken off the schedule)",Stress +29619,"Hey, I recently came into a bit of money. I live on government benefits and I live in supported accomodation. I received roughly about £100 bonus money I'm guessing because it's the turning of the new year. I always feel guilty when walking past homeless people in the streets and feel too shy to donate money to them. So this time, I donated ten pounds to this guy sitting outside of a supermarket.",Normal +29620,"However, today I was sitting at work and for whatever reason I started thinking about the knife incident. This new person I'm dating has never done anything wrong, but I had a thought of what they would look like holding a knife. It was a pretty stupid thing to think about, it caused the worst panic attack I've had in months and had to go for a walk around the block to clear my head. I don't want the event from my previous relationship to have an impact on the potential of this new one. Does anyone have any advice for breaking free from this sort of thing?",Stress +29621,I don't want to feel like a burden to anyone anymore and to myself so the feeling of wanting to die didn't go away. I don't know how to deal with myself or with other people since I feel like I should just get over it and continue with my life but I can't and I'm 22. Am I exaggerating? Am I just so weak that I can't deal with what happened to me that I can't normally continue with my life? I was a good student and a good friend.,Stress +29622,"I keep alternating between crying, laughing, and freaking out. I'm also really upset right now and my boyfriend isn't making me feel better. He keeps saying things like, this is all your fault and no one is making you think these things. And to be patient with things.... I feel like this is going to kill me?",Stress +29623,I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I bawl every night because I don't want to feel this never ending pain anymore. I can't live with what happen to me. I can't live with the fact that since I didn't go to police that he is preying on another girl like me. I have so many social problems I dont have friends anymore.,Stress +29624,"I’m so concerned as we head into warmer months. I know I need to leave the area and that’s on my agenda, I just can’t do that before summer comes and goes. I am currently trying to come up with ways to manage my day to day life. Working from home, not venturing outside as much as possible. But even the ride from home to office is enough to send me into a spin for about an hour.",Stress +29625,"I never searched for a man to make me happy or be my knight in shining armour, but he found me anyway. And yes he did rescue me…mostly because I let him. And in case you ask yes I am happy – in life, in love and within myself. Maybe I was a victim once, but I’m not a victim anymore. I chose freedom and safety, and I hope any woman reading this is brave enough to find those things too <3",Normal +29626,"Why am I feeling like I miss him.. I’ve been okay for 7 damn days & then he texted my grandmother & asked me if I wanted him to mail me my stuff (a card) & now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is he seeming so decent now... Why do I feel so damn guilty.. why do I feel like I did something wrong. He hasn’t tried to do anything harmful to me, the only thing he’s been asking about is our children as expected.. But I’ve been ignoring him. Why do I feel like I’m in the wrong.",Stress +29627,"My heart is palpitating because I finally responded in a group chat that I'm not so active in because I'm scared nobody is going to care what I say. So I finally responded this morning because the chat seems active and it couldn't possibly hurt right? I'm trying to beat my anxiety. Well, my fears were confirmed. Nobody responded to what I texted.",Stress +29628,"-In not giving financial advice. -I'm not doing this for people to MAKE money, but to help those struggling to feed themselves and/or family. My days of that are over. -if any supermarkets or stores offer similar promotions in other countries, let me know and I'll look into what can be done. DM me regarding this.",Normal +29629,"Looking back on it, I was pretty fucking clear. After all this, I started reflecting back. First red flag I didn't realize was a red flag was it said it loved me A WEEK WITHIN KNOWING ME. I knew it was weird, but I didn't know it was lovebombing (manipulating) me. Fortunately I never said it back because why the fuck would I love anyone after a week.",Normal +29630,"Like many I was living in California, working in a kitchen and making decent money. My living situation fell apart and I ended up couch surfing, living out of a truck and finally I ended up living and working on a farm in the north. Not the first time but... i wanted to share a bit of advice for anybody goig through a hard time. 1. I had co workers and friends offer to let me stay with them and I was too proud to accept.",Normal +29631,"I always feel like no one actually likes me and they just put up with me out of pity. It’s a vicious cycle, because that insecurity makes me more self-conscious and standoffish, which makes me more unlikeable. I just feel like I’m nothing but a drain on everyone and an inconvenience. I’m constantly plagued by these thoughts about what a terrible person and I am, and it’s just so exhausting. I wish I was normal.",Stress +29632,"I have an appointment with a paralegal to draw up a separation agreement. When I tell him I want and am filing for a separation and divorce, he will ask why. Do I mention to him about finding the extent of their chats and the cellphone bills? What about the disappearing IM accounts? Or do I just leave it at ""You had an affair, you aren't being completely honest with me about it, I feel like this 'reconciliation' we are experiencing is just me being strung along till you get your pieces in place to leave.",Stress +29633,2) Sharing Home 3) Helping to watch one another's children as best as the can get their work schedules to Mesh? HAs anyone ever seen a homeless family co-op which works in any way similar to that? I will be a single father ( married but my wife wont be allowed into the country untill I make enough income) and am tying to strategize the best approach. Thanks!,Normal +29634,"Hey everybody! I'm conducting research on social media usage, if you could please spare a few minutes to take this survey I would really appreciate it! Instagram Survey: The purpose of this project is to examine the effectiveness of Instagram in terms of marketing promotion perspectives among millennial consumers. The survey will take approximately 10 minutes.",Normal +29635,She gave me an 11 pm curfew even though I was in my 20s and never gave me a key. She not picked every little thing I did even though I tried so hard to be a good guest because I thought maybe that’s why She didn’t like me. Whenever I am allowed to come here I have to bring my own food and own blanket. When I told my mom I was in such a bad mental space that I thought I was going to kill myself and didn’t feel safe to be alone she said I couldn’t come over.,Stress +29636,"Several month back I began casually dating a woman who was previously abused physically and emotionally by her ex husband. She and I have really hit it off and have begun to care quite a bit for one another. For obvious reasons, she is really afraid to get involved with me beyond casual dating, and we’ve taken a break for a while to let her sort out some of her emotional issues. We hope to reconnect after a while when she’s in a better place emotionally, and some of the logistics between us are better. I’ve tried to be as supportive and encouraging as possible to her, but I have never been in this situation before, so oftentimes I am not sure what to do or say.",Normal +29637,"I've noticed usually people who have been in the street for a while or traveling around, and managed to avoid frying their brains with drugs or just losing it from the life, have really different opinions and ways of thinking compared to the just homeless sleeping in motels or shelters or cars and often trying to work at the same time. Do you hate other homeless aka ""hobos?"" The people in the tents? Or do you wish to or try to help them? Do you resent the middle and upper classes or do you think they're entitled to what they have?",Normal +29638,"Despite that, all the following is true: * We have both called each other BF/GF and referred to there being a relationship * We have had (oral, but not PIV yet) sex a few times, slept together naked, and have had many intimate conversations, including the last time we saw each other * We both mentioned early on that we aren't currently dating anyone else * We have both talked about going to specific events and doing things together in the future",Normal +29639,"Without my boyfriend who I thought was my best friend, my two female friends who used to always have my back becoming distant, and now not knowing who or what to trust seeing as Nex and I still work in the same industry my PTSD is just skyrocketing off the charts. With no roots put back down yet (which I’m working on the living sit) and no one close to turn to emotionally, how the fuck do I go on? When is enough enough? When is it too much? I know giving up is not an option but it is all so overwhelming...",Stress +29640,"Those are all the ones I can coherently explain. I've also felt extremely lonely and I've been craving touch more than I did before I was with him. Watching movies, playing games, hanging out with friends etc all distract me for a while but when I stop all the bad feelings just come at once. Not only sadness/loneliness, but I also feel hate and rage. Does anyone have any way to help me move on?",Stress +29641,"Now: The brother who texted me just had a baby girl with his wife. He now has a total of three baby girls at home (age range 3-0). Gut reaction: fear, dread, anxiety. I don’t want to meet her.",Stress +29642,"2. We were long-distance for a few months although we visited each other almost every weekend. In that time she was very jealous and controlled my movements because she thought I was doing something with very girl who looked at me. In that time-frame, I took to hiding pictures that I had with friends who were girls, especially ones she was especially jealous of. Nothing sexual, just selfies on a night out or whatever.",Normal +29643,"I want her to tell me that she loves me, that she would only want to be with me. I just want her, and I'm even willing to give her another chance even though I know I shouldn't. I can't move on, everyday I think about her and the good times we spent together. So Reddit, help me, I need to know how I can move on from her. TL;DR : My wife cheated on me and I don't know how to get over her",Stress +29644,"We're running out of things like dog food,toilet paper, feminine products and whatnot. Workers comp didn't send me my check this month, so I'm not able to afford the things we need and that is why I'm asking assistance. If anyone could help me with a small loan of $50 , we'd greatly appreciate it. I'm not sure when I could pay you back fully, but I could pay something back each month if that's okay. Thank you for your time!",Stress +29645,"I am already accountable to my family, boyfriend, pets, co workers, etc and now I have to be accountable to these ppl I couldn’t give two shits about and they are counting on me and I hate the pressure so much. I’m doing that awful thing where you just avoid avoid avoid. Had to get this off my chest. I feel like I’m going to vomit and I have gurgles/butterflies in my belly and I’ve had the anxiety runs all morning. UGH.",Stress +29646,"Last summer I (F17) was officially diagnosed with PTSD, though I had been suffering from the condition for at least a decade. It's been a lot to process but I'm finally getting the psychiatric attention and emotional support I need to slowly repair myself. I remember after I had explained my traumas and symptoms to my current therapist, I asked her if I it was true that I had something wrong with me (my psychiatrist had told me the week prior that much of what I was experiencing aligned with the PTSD diagnosis and I was startled). I'll never forget her saying ""No, you definitely have PTSD,"" and in that moment I experienced more validation of my suffering then I had in my entire life. Shell shocked, I told my mom about it in the car and she made it very clear to me how there was no way in her mind that it could be that serious.",Normal +29647,any way. I'll do the procedure. I always do. cheers if you read this. I'm just saying my frustrations out into the void.,Normal +29648,"This is something I'm working on figuring out for myself). Option 2: We each move after we each get a job in City A. Drawbacks: (1) one of us will be left at our current job for a while with our boss and coworkers knowing the other is likely to leave soon after. I'm not sure if this is an inadvisable situation. (2) BF will likely find a job first, as he has a few more years experience than me plus some management experience.",Stress +29649,"When it's abuse in the workplace, it seems like everyone just says, ""Oh, get over it, and don't be a baby. There's nothing wrong with you."" I actually had one women tell me that my husband's behavior was 'completely normal' and that 'everyone acts like that' (I was floored. I don't know one other person who goes through shit like this at work or who acts like that - WTF?). They just want to brush it off, and no one gives a shit.",Stress +29650,"Back in November of 2015, my Junior year of college, I was a hermit socially but had many great and supportive friends (funnily enough were 90% women). However, I was lonely as hell, had never dated, and it was driving me mad and depressing me. I didn't let it show though, except to one or two friends who knew me very well. In the month of november I started hanging out with an organic chemistry study group. Two particular women were part of this group.",Normal +29651,"I am afraid that she will sell the house because of this and I'm not sure what the future holds for my family. Because I made some very bad decisions in the past, my credit is horrible. I have tried to get a loan and it's just not happening. I have no car (no money to get a car, let alone make payments) and payday loans are not offered in AZ. Every online loan option, although bad, seems like a better fate than losing my home of 12 years.",Stress +29652,"Had a good weekend, went to a movie together the 19th. Feb 22 she started full dose of Zoloft. Feb 23 weekend, we hung out again, but mostly stayed in because I was tired from traveling for work again. She seemed a bit more distant than I'd seen her but still content, and we had a good weekend together. Everything remained normal up til Feb 26 or so, regular texting, sexy texts, etc.",Normal +29653,"I'm going to try not to sound too sad or victimized, but I'm just sad. I grew up fairly disadvantaged compared to my friends. I've been poor since I was born, never had enough to eat, was abused by my dad, have raised my sister, support my family, work almost constantly, and make money on the side. In addition, I've been consistently abused since I was 8 years old, the same age I met my best friend. She's much wealthier than I am.",Normal +29654,"I was a friendly person, who enjoyed speaking and interacting with people. I definitely did more than my fair share to help/get things done. And i enjoyed helping people and sharing my knowledge to help novices. Quite extroverted but without being loud. Since this happened i've become introverted, i don't particularly like anyone (because unfortunately, i now tend to focus on the bad side in people), and i attempt to not get past small talk.",Normal +29655,"I check on my mom several times a day and I KNOW it has to be annoying. I am trying to find the right medication but none seem to work for me, I go to therapy, and I talk about it — but I am so sick of feeling this way. I know it is temporary and that I won’t be this way forever, but right now, it sucks. I can’t sleep because I worry so much, it’s hard to focus at work because I worry so much, it’s hard to be social because I worry so much. Thanks for listening.",Stress +29656,1) His career/financial stability (makes sense) 2) His family (logical) 3) Me/his friends (ok) 4) Being healthy/gym and cooking and sleep time (cool) 5) A hobby we have,Normal +29657,Does anyone else experience parts of their PTSD this way? ​ Is this truly avoidance or is this dissociation? I tried to do some digging and pin down what I am experiencing so I can communicate with my husband more effectively but it isn't something that seems to fit nicely into a box and so it has been confusing. Thank you.,Stress +29658,"I matched with a girl who I thought was pretty on a dating app. I said hi first, and she replied. We went on to introduce ourselves and ask basic questions such as what we do, whats our favorite food, music, and things like that. Then we decided to meet up in real life. I forgot whether it was me or her who suggested that we meet up.",Normal +29659,"All of these things were a slow burn, many of these things overlapped one another. I pushed through and finished my PhD, but now I'm worn, and after looking into it, I've realized that the psychological symptoms of stress I display are closely aligned with racism-specific PTSD. I've been through psychotherapy, but I'm not sure the therapist was adequately prepared to identify it, but I know for certain that I have PTSD. I want to begin healing now that I'm done with grad school. Where/how do I start?",Stress +29660,"then i check a side email account that i almost never use, i think i forgot a password or something, and see all these emails from him. he had been sending me them since essentially the day after i stopped speaking to him. saying all this 'i miss you' type stuff, telling me he had something important to tell me. so i caved. and it's been downhill ever since then.",Stress +29661,I'm in college now and got high last night and felt pretty sad. I'm a wreck. I thought I've overcome this all but I'm just feeling alone again. After trauma i started isolating myself and attaching to creative work to get a sense of worth. I declined socially by a lot and can't feel connected to anyone past a surface level.,Stress +29662,"I feel like shit for writing this post. **TL;DR - SO of over a decade is great to me in many ways and shit to me in other ways, I feel awful when he's shit to me but also feel guilty as fuck about expressing it because of all the times he's amazing to me. Wondering if this is emotional abuse and if it is, what can I do about it? Our relationship is rock solid, I'm not leaving him. **",Stress +29663,"From the moment I wake up and until I go to sleep I don't feel safe. When I'm around other people I feel even even more anxious/fearful. I know nothing bad is going to happen to me, but I still feel this way. I don't really have any friends, and these intense chronic feelings makes it seem impossible to make a real connection with anyone. That's what I need the most is some sort of real connection with another human being.",Stress +29664,"Only 7 years ago at the age of 9 I think I peaked in life. I was possibly the most fun kid in class and had no problem socializing with others. Used to be so happy then. Now I’m just known by everybody as the quiet guy who rarely ever smiles. Interacting with others (especially girls) is so hard, and I’m always so conscious about how I look.",Stress +29665,"Quick summary... She kicked her husband out several months for physical, emotional and verbal abuse to her and the kids. Things have been going somewhat civil ever since. He has been paying her child support unmandated by the court (not because he is a good guy, but he moved in with his parents, and they make him pay her). Yesterday there was an incident involving an arguement in their driveway (in front of the 3 kids) which ended with him punching out the side window of her mini-van while her kids were inside it.",Normal +29666,"He's the type of guy that doesn't ask for charity. His dad cast a long shadow when he grew up, and even though his dad has passed, the shadow is still there. But I know he's going to need it. His 7yo son, Andrew, has autism and is struggling in school because of it. As a single dad, Matt will now have to find a way to help his son while also managing his own illnesses.",Normal +29667,"I started freaking out, went to the hospital because I couldn't breath. Occasionally I still feel anxiety when alone and bored at my house. My depression is now not a problem at all but the legacy it left is annoying. I feel so terrible being honest about that evil summer but recognizing my post traumatic stress makes me so happy. Any advice I've only recently been honest with myself and I think its about time I realized its not regular anxiety but ptsd.",Normal +29668,** > I’d love to but I already have plans this weekend. I am going to my friend’s house. We will play on his new game console! > **That sounds like fun too.,Normal +29669,"It wasn't that long ago, perhaps only a few months that I was in the darkest place that a human can be. Sitting on my kitchen floor with an empty bottle of wine and a knife on my wrist, ready to end it all. And for the first time in my 25 years of existence I though about life and I though about death, after all I was going to experience both within mere moments of each other. A multitude of thoughts raced through my mind. What will it be like?",Normal +29670,"I’m a single father to an 8 year old son. I also have my 7 and 10 year old brothers a lot of the time. Things are really hard right now and everything just added up so quickly. My son has some eating issues, and won’t eat a lot of things because of it. I have done an okay job of keeping the freezer stocked with things that he will eat but he’s going through it pretty quickly.",Stress +29671,"She tells everyone who comes over that I must have given birth to the cat and that I'm way too paranoid ""it's just a cat"". Then her granddaughter was playing on her iPad and it was super loud, I gave her a pair of my headphones and told her that she could keep them downstairs but that she couldnt take them to her moms house because I know I'll never see them again. Then she called me an Indian giver and I asked if I should just give them to her and she said ""i dont know, do what you want i guess"". Her granddaughter was playing loudly with a balloon and asked me if I wanted to play with her and I said not right now. Then the landlord was like ""I thought you liked kids??"".",Normal +29672,"No idea where to ask this on reddit. I've been having an unresolved noise problem (no help anywhere i looked) for a cool year now, meaning i havent slept in peace for a year. over the summer, i believe i developed tinnitus as a result of wearing headphones to bed and putting pressure on my ears, possibly also through earplugs and earphones as well. now i'm realizing the concession that i'm too poor to live alone off subsidized housing isnt nearly good enough. and i do need to move for many reasons.",Stress +29673,"Suddenly she snaps and goes ""I fucking hate my brother, he is the biggest piece of shit ever, I couldn't care less about him"" and just started going off. Now, I know her brother can be pretty psychotic and from what shes told me he clearly has anger issues and the rest of her family keeps ignoring it, sometimes even enabling it. So 2 minutes into her exploding, she starts crying because apparently her brother told their dad something and the dad called her and said he doesn't trust her anymore or whatever. She was very upset about the dad thing because she's very close with her dad and she's her dads favorite child (he told me that himself when I spoke with him). I didn't want to pry too much because I felt like it isn't exactly my business of their internal family issues, but my girlfriend screenshot the text messages her brother sent her and I just could not comprehend how a human being, especially a sibling, can say that to someone.",Stress +29674,"We had an argument, then he started trying to break my phone by bending it. I intervened and begged him not to and he stopped short of breaking it. I was a domestic violence victim before in a previous relationship and I buried those memories, but this incident made me remember some of those memories and I feel traumatized and scared to be experiencing the same things again. I feel scared and I don't know if this would escalate into something worse. We don't have kids, and we've been married for a couple months.",Stress +29675,"I have completely given up hobbies and interests outside work. I do not have time to engage in them. Things that I could normally do to relax, like exercise or yoga, are absolutely out of the question because I work 16 hours a day. 3. I am frequently sleep deprived due to my work hours.",Stress +29676,"I had the depo shot for the first time at the beginning of March, decided to not go back for the 2nd because I wasn't a fan. Didn't experience any issues while on it , but once I came off of it, all hell broke loose. My once controlled anxiety became out of control and I had random days where I felt depressed/crying spells. The intrusive thoughts were out of control, and had an anxiety attack the 2nd week of working at my new job. I had to leave work and go home, which hadn't happened in almost half a year.",Stress +29677,"Make sure to take the bus when it comes to WalMart the last time, about 7pm. 6) There is a Chick-Fil-""A"" next to Walmart where you can get hot food. You can buy Top Rommin at WalMart which sells for 10 cents per cup (yes...really) and you can use hot water to put in it, and it is ready to eat. 7) How do you get ""out"" of that situation? I don't know.",Normal +29678,"Hey guys and girls. I've been going through a lot the past couple of years and was looking to maybe get some advice, or just find some people who can relate because I don't have that in my day to day life. I've tried to pinpoint where this started and this is the best I can come up with, and sorry if it gets long. I've had closure issues since I was 12 and my grandpa passed away. I cut myself off from any meaningful relationships including my family for over 5 years.",Stress +29679,"**Just a quick update - My friend has had to be rushed to hospital as she is experiencing ruptured ovaries. She will need assistance urgently as she will have to stay somewhere and recover while trying to take care of her dog. I'd really appreciate any help on this. Thanks** My friend, Amanda, moved to North Carolina for a great job, with her doggy.",Normal +29680,"This is a really shitty time to need support or therapy because it’s a holiday weekend. I’m in horrible physical pain, emotionally heartbroken and being ignored by my kids until I turn them back over to him tomorrow. I don’t even know why I am posting. I don’t know what to expect. I just want to not be so alone.",Stress +29681,"Is it more than that? I have been considering finally confessing my secret because it feels like I am choking on it. I repress it as much as I can, but when it bubbles to the surface, it effects everything in my life. Thank you for listening/reading. I need help and I need to find the right way to deal and approach this.",Stress +29682,"Hi All, I’m a visitor to this sub. I’ve read the sub rules, but please let me know if i’m overstepping. This is YOUR sub. I’m a registered nurse (RN) and I’m interested in becoming a SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner).",Normal +29683,"Okay y'all first and foremost this is gonna be a long one, and I apologize for that. I'm looking for advice, information, help, honestly anything! So lets start at the beginning. For 2 years I've been working a full\-time hourly job, I was only getting paid minimum wage, however it was more then I had ever really made before and I was able to put money away. I felt secure enough to get a few credit cards that I used gently, got a 'adult' phone line ( T\-Mobile ) and was content with life.",Normal +29684,"Now here I am, jobless and not in education. A useless person. I'm too anxious and to get a job because I knew that I would screw up and face angry people. I've seen so many therapists but they don't help much, just said that it's a teenage problem. 2 months of lexapro didn't do much but at least I got my muse back.",Stress +29685,"I've been trying multiple medications for 20 years and I have literally tried them all. The highest doses possible of insomnia medication can't even put me to sleep. Multiple psychiatrist and even my pharmacist are stumped. Every SSRI, SNRI, tricyclic, beta blockers, benzos, group therapy, sleep studies, MRIs, blood work, CBT, EMDR, talk therapy, group therapy, art therapy, psychiatric hospitals, wilderness retreats, traveling, moved 6 times, I've been to college 3 times(no degree), have over 20 different jobs. It's like my brain is bound and determined to make me suffer.",Stress +29686,i was sexually assaulted almost 6 months ago. once i was assaulted i ate nothing for three days straight. i lost about 20 lbs in 2/2.5/3 weeks. i was also withdrawing from Risperadone at the same time. i couldn’t stop losing the weight.,Stress +29687,"She has no teeth (from abuse or just from scavenging on the streets we’re not sure), perfectly behaved, sweet, trusting, and most gentle dog you’ve ever met. No dog or human aggression at all. So if I adopted her I could also keep fostering as well. I’ve been fostering her for about 3 weeks now. She also has heart worms so the shelter told me they would waive the adoption fee for me.",Normal +29688,"University makes my anxiety really bad, I'm too scared to ever ask professors for help which makes my grades worse, and I can't make any friends. All this makes my depression worse, so I end up lying in bed all the time because I'm either too depressed to go to class or having a panic attack. I know I'm going to end up failing the semester, and that's just making my anxiety worse. I' sorry for rambling, I just really don't know what to do, and I have no one to help me. Can anyone give me any advice please?",Stress +29689,"On his 21st birthday, he consumed way too much alcohol to celebrate, and I regrettably saw an entire different side of him. I noticed that he had crazy eyes, and he was being very aggressive in speech. He seemed very off to me, and demanded to know why I didn't want to sleep in his bed that night. When I made up the excuse that I had to be up for something early in the morning, he demanded to know what was wrong with our relationship. I kept calmly assuring him that we were fine, and that I just needed rest that night.",Normal +29690,"I can't be in an abusive relationship, but I find my brain trying to rationalize this. To expand a little more, this incident happened just a week after we had a huge fight over my depression, which he doesn't seem to understand completely. I've been stuck in a depressive episode for the greater part of a year, despite medication changes and weekly therapy sessions. I've been suicidal for quite some time now and he knows that, but last week he actually told me ""maybe you should just kill yourself."" So, in light of that happening very recently, I'm in a very dark place right now.",Stress +29691,"(Shit, if one doesn't exist, it should.) And if there isn't something like that, how do you guys cope or manage with that? Do you research it (if so, how and where), or do you bring a self-care kit, or...? Just any information or experiences I could hear from this would be great. Thanks ahead of time.",Normal +29692,"But that's the worst of it. I don't think my childhood was exceptional, just frustrating. But after speaking with people close to me, and going through the checklist of symptoms, it was undeniable. So I accepted the diagnosis. Eventually I got a prescription for Wellbutrin and it helped me manage many of my symptoms somewhat for the past decade.",Normal +29693,"Hi everyone, this is my story, what I've been able to take away from it, and the feelings and the hurt that have lingered, as well as questions. Warning, this is kind of a long post, but there is a lot I need to say and just get out of my head. Trigger and Content Warnings**:** Explicit mentions of sex acts with some details,mentions of coercion, mentions of being threatened, mentions of alcoholism. Things to know about me, for the context of my life and who I am: I am 24, I am queer, my pronouns are she/her, I am trans-gender woman (please Google if you are unfamiliar with the terms), I am autistic, and as a child I was home-schooled for a very long time and lived in the middle of nowhere farm country, with no buses, sidewalks, or means of transportation. When I was 13, I had just found out my father was diagnosed with early onset dementia and I was stricken, to say the least, knowing that my already dysfunctional family was about to go through the horrors of watching my father become less and less of himself.",Stress +29694,"The main source of this stress is a scholarship I am on that requires payback if you lose it, meaning I would be in the whole about $20,000 if I fail and get kicked out. The contract states you can either be kicked out or placed on probation, but I cannot find any precedent on what direction they lean. Without diving into many specifics on this class and the great, and I emphasize great, impact it can have on this scholarship \(I wouldn't be able to get my AE degree\), I was hoping I could find some advice on increasing my productivity and generally improving my mental/physical health. I am reaching here, I really need some help. My fiance, bless her heart, is not much help because of planning the wedding and I don't have a lot of close friends/confidants.",Stress +29695,Tldr: Need an apartment or room to rent with the deposit on a payment plan. I have first months rent. Not a drug user and clean record. Shit credit but no bankruptcy/eviction/arrest record and have full time employment. I've been homeless for almost a year now but have been floating through hotels that costs about 90 % of my income before and now I'm staying at someone's room but I haven't been able to save up enough for a deposit (due to payday loans) so far and need to leave before I hit 28 days vacancy rights.,Normal +29696,"If you want to stay in and watch Netflix, STAY IN. Your mental health is YOUR mental health. It's no one else's. I understand that not everyone sees mental health the same way, but believe me, even if it feels like no one is on your side, we all are. Since then, I have come to find that one of my best friends has been battling life crippling anxiety for a lot longer than I knew her for.",Normal +29697,"This writing prompt was based on using only the future tense One day, I will break out from the inner sanctuary of your precious little mind. You will believe that you are perfectly fine and happy. I will lead you to the conclusion that the childhood you will experience is just like the same one to be experienced by every child. Thankfully for me, your mother will do a wonderful job of failing you.",Normal +29698,"I phoned my actual therapist, but mostly I sat alone and chained smoked, if someone talked to me I tried to be nice and polite, and I simply reminded myself that all the evidence showed this would be possible in September, that only by acting out could I fuck it up. So I left well, pretending hopefulness I did not feel, with everyone's well wishes. Now I return tomorrow. Disability is paying for my ride, I am taking the train for the first time. It was really a wonderful place.",Normal +29699,"I used to live with my fiance and her family. Her father is a massive, abusive brute. Kate has medical issues that cause seizures, and whenever she would have one, her father would stand over her, waiting for her to finish so he could berate her for it. He treated her like a seizure was a behavioral issue that just needed enough punishment to solve. Her whole family was pretty bad, honestly.",Stress +29700,"I recieved an eviction notice on 8/28/17 I have forms for food stamps and mediCal, some of my possessions are at a friends house for safe keeping. I want advice on where to live that is affordable, has a decent college nearby for when I can pay for education, and a place where work is available. My highest education is High School Graduate. If I have to move than that is fine but I need to make a plan so that I manage what little money I may have.",Stress +29701,"To make up for it I made a cute little note and I made him a batch of his favorite cookies. I was honestly so damn proud of the gift when I finished putting it together, it looked awesome! To add some context, I have attended a few games with him (and the rest of the family) and absolutely loved them. I didn’t care about the actual games themselves, but I loved being there with my family and the cool atmosphere and stuff. Well, apparently my dad didn’t think it was so awesome.",Normal +29702,"I work full time, but the money I'm spending just to get by is preventing me from saving up to get a place and get ahead again. I'm 30, and I've never been in this spot before, always been successful and had a good life. But now I'm here, and I have no idea what to do. Not sure what I'm expecting out of this post. Just venting I guess.",Stress +29703,"Where do I go with this kind of shit? I'm not violent or suicidal, so the hospital is a no go. But I don't really know where you seek help outside the ER. I dunno the process, how you set up organized appointments, how you pay (got insurance however), don't know any of it All I know is the shit I've seen really affects me to the point where I have a home and a job yet still feel so disconnected from normal society",Stress +29704,"She then decided to go to a party without me and said ""I would cancel my plans to see you, but you won't do the same for me. All you do is push me away and act like a complete asshole."" even though she was the one who left. I told her I didn't want to see her tonight after she tried to bait me into going over to her house. She was telling me I'm an asshole and the cause of all of her sadness, why would I want to go there?",Normal +29705,"Hello, I'm 22, female and from the UK. I'm kind of freaking out right now because I think something happened to me as a child. I don't even know, I'm sorry I wish I had something concrete to say but I don't think I could even type it out. The problem is I've recently moved to Japan on my own and have no one to talk to here. I would normally talk to my boyfriend but he's not awake and I don't even know what I'd say to him - I don't even feel like I can say anything out loud even if I was with him.",Stress +29706,"Hi there, Wall of text: I moved to the area for a job transfer, but that was completely botched and I had to find a new job. My initial start date was 2/12, but a hospital stay from 2/9-2/19 messed with that. I *finally* get to start on Monday (3/12), but in addition to not having had a proper paycheck in over a month, ~~I've only got a package of eggs left~~.",Stress +29707,"My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, he's in college and he wants to work to have extra spending money, his friend who works at a restaurant said that he'd help him get a job there. The staff at this restaurant are at least 90% female and I'm not really okay with this, I don't know what to say to him about it so I haven't mentioned the thing about other girls, but I have expressed that I would rather he not get a job. My family is from Chile and my father had an investors Visa and that is how we got to the US, my parents are very well off and I have told my boyfriend that I'd be completely fine with financially supporting him at least even just while he's in school, and he said he still wants a job ""for the social aspect as well"". Which kinda seemed odd to me, why would he want job for the social aspect even if he doesn't need the money? When the job is at a place that is over 90% female?",Stress +29708,"A couple months after we though she was out of our lives, she broke into our house at 2 am. I was playing diablo 2, as at this point in my life I had severe insomnia. I heard the break in and woke my dad and his new girlfriend up [my dad has had a lot of women in his life....] saying dotty had broken in. I had seen her from the balcony of our stairs when getting my dad. Had i not been up, My dad had thought I had broken a cup or something and wasnt going to bother checking, I was known for having insomnia at this point in my life already, so she may very well have attacked any one of us that night.",Stress +29709,"he could not understand why i resented him, when in his mind, it was ME who was being 'abusive'. because i couldnt fake being into sex with him, which made me a 'bad girlfriend', because i wasn't ecstatic about always having to take on every responsibility and basically take care of him as if he were a child. he constantly told me that i was just playing the victim, when it reality it was really him who actually was the victim. i was the 'bad person' in the relationship. WELL FUCK YOU.",Stress +29710,"I can’t stop sweating, the second I cough up phlegm there is immediately more and I’m like gagging on it, my nose is stuffed and I have to actively try to breathe, I feel so uncomfortable, I’m losing my mind. I’ve hit my breaking point and I’m just sobbing uncontrollably. I’m stressing because I’ve already had to use sick time at work this year and it’s only the first week, the house is covered in all of my sick germs and I don’t have the strength to disinfect it, the laundry is piling up and the house is messy. I probably sound like an absolute baby right now but I can’t do multiple days of being incapacitated. I feel like shit and can’t do anything I need to get done.",Stress +29711,"I plan on putting these essays either in my portfolio or a separate writing site as soon as I finish them, so you'd probably get in trouble for plagiarizing if your teacher uses a plagiarism detection tool (which most do these days). Hope y'all have a wonderful day and evening! ​ Update: Thanks for all the wonderful ideas! I'm looking forward to brainstorming them all and seeing which ones are the best fit for me!",Normal +29712,"Anyway, that's what's eating the most right now. Doing everything I can to show people that they matter, but treating myself like the worst human being ever. I sincerely hope all of you find the help you seek, and I want you to know that every single one of you is the most important person in the world. I love you stranger, and I want you to feel like the MVP you are. EDIT: grammar and missing words",Normal +29713,"What temperature is it outside? What do is smell? What do I️ taste? What do I️ see? It can go on, I️ stop when I’m feeling more present.",Normal +29714,My current bf does not care about guy friends and trusts me to not put myself in a precarious position. When does this feeling of guilt go away? I cant spend the rest of my life working and spending time at home away from other people. The level of anxiety is near panic attack and occasionally leads to one to the point where I dont eat and barely sleep for days. TL;DR: feeling guilty over nothing from being conditioned in a previously abusive relationship.,Stress +29715,"We are in need of immediate help and I dont know where else to turn. I have recently suffered major nerve damage that has severely diminished the use and mobilty of my arms and causes insufferable pain in my neck, shoulders, & arms and in turn, cost me my long time position with Apple. We are now 3 months behind on rent and we have less than a week to come up with the money or the landlord will be foreclosed on and we will be evicted. And we have nowhere to go. Here’s a bit behind our predicament.",Stress +29716,"it’s the first relationship I’ve been in that feels “serious” and friends comment on how well we get along in public. We laugh a lot and we have the same sense of humor. I have been known as sort of a funny person and this is the first girl I’ve been with in a relationship that consistently makes me laugh hard. Plus she is very caring and sweet, a good friend. We have not had a serious fight in a long time, maybe more than 3 months.",Normal +29717,I want him to die because then we'll be truly safe. But I don't want him to suffer. There have been times when I did. And I denied that there was ever any love because that was easier than accepting that a man who once loved his family decided he hated them so much he wanted to kill them. I've still got half my life to lead.,Stress +29718,This is all 1 days worth of stuff and it’s not even everything but this has been going on for months. My mum says she doesn’t know what to do with me that I’ve always been mildly anxious but it’s just completely spiralled out of control since Christmas time. Also I can’t sleep I’m getting 5 hours ish a night and I used to get 8 hours everyday. I don’t know what to do whether I’m justified going to a doctor or I’m just being stupid and making people with real anxiety and other mental illness look bad I feel like I’m being stupid and I hate my personality. Edit:sorry I haven’t posted on here before so I’m a bit worried I’ve come to the wrong sub or written it wrong.,Stress +29719,"Between losing my job, my unborn baby and my husband losing his job I am overwhelmed and pretty much numb. Bills are piling up fast and I don't know what to do anymore. I make vinyl decals but just started out so I am not making much at the moment. My husband just did paperwork for a new job today and I am waiting to hear back on a job I interviewed for. Unfourtunatley it won't be soon enough because the finance company for my car called and said I need to pay $439 by tomorrow, another $439 by the end of the month.",Stress +29720,"Sometimes my voice catches for a minute and I flush dark red. I feel like my heart is in my throat, like it's closed up a bit. Bump. Bump. Bump.",Stress +29721,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +29722,"I feel like I've failed. I keep having this fear that I've made it all up. Everything. That I made up the rape, and made up the traumatizing feelings, made up the emotions. I'm afraid that I just have a very sick, sick dramatic mind that is just making up terrible shit to try and destroy me or something?",Stress +29723,"Long story but a few years ago my wife of fifteen years, who had never been with anyone else opened up and told me she fantasized a lot about being with other men, and considered herself somewhat polyamorous. I was upset and it took a couple of years of us discussing this before I started to feel more comfortable with things. We eventually started swinging (only about once every couple of months and always same room) as it seemed like a way for us to explore this part of her together, and it ended up being a lot of fun and something I really enjoyed that brought us closer together. Well, it’s been a couple of years and I’ve felt happy and comfortable with where we are at but I decided to ask my wife the other day and she said she was happy but she also had a desire to date people separately, and would be willing to try it if I was. This was really hard for me to hear.",Normal +29724,"* Fix your own car. Google/youtube your problem, Ive saved thousands of dollars because I replaced my own window switch, sunvisor, hood latch, lights, etc... Not to mention each time I get a bit more confidence. Food/Grocery * This is my[ reference website for food because I dont want to eat rice and beans every day. * Stop eating out if you can help it.",Normal +29725,"So I let myself get sucked in and... The incident that occured was that I threw a fit - my arms and legs thrashing in all directions. I had no idea what was happening, I came out of it terrified and there was one guy left in the room. This guy told me I was possessed by an evil spirit. I remember thinking, he felt ""off"".",Stress +29726,"This isn't the first time this has happened, even with my ex I used to put effort into creating funny and deep conversations and she'd make quite surface level replies, but I thought it was because she was severely depressed so I didn't mind making an effort with her. Am I missing something? She doesn't have many hobbies and works in a pub so I can't talk about her interests really as the only think she kinda likes is textiles and she doesn't do it anymore as she's so focused on her job. I should probably mention she's really really shy, which she has admitted to me. For example, when we meet in person, she's so nervous that she's physically shaking for about 15 minutes until she relaxes.",Normal +29727,"Hello, As is probably always the case, I have no idea how to start this post. My girlfriend of the past year asked me to sit and talk to her yesterday where she opened up and told me how the relationship had run its course and how there was no chance it could be saved. I have known something wasn't quite right for a while and should have made efforts to make changes long before now. We are still going to remain friends as best we can until the tenancy on our flat runs out.",Stress +29728,"Unfortunately with the way things have worked out this month, I am left with little cash until my SSDI is deposited a week from Friday. And normally I’d say I’d just wait until then to take my dog, Kane, to the vet, but he has developed a little bit of a cough, and he doesn’t seem as active as he normally is (<2yo chocolate lab, so he should be pretty active). I called the vet and they suspect it could be heartworms, so while I have the $50 for the office visit, I don’t have the $45 for the test. Any help towards this would be greatly appreciated. I can pay back, but as sad as it sounds, I might have to make it in a couple payments as I’m on a fixed income.",Stress +29729,"He has made me eat until I literally threw up, then forced me to eat my vomit. He plays mental games that are pure torture. He knows how to break me down mentally until I just become ruined for a period of time. He will point guns at me. He made me play Russian Roulette (turns out the gun wasn't loaded but he used a hand trick to make it appear loaded.",Stress +29730,"I posted in this subreddit about 6 years ago and find myself here again. I am just venting, and hoping someone can normalize me... but I know it’s probably 1 in a million posts. The past several months have been horrific. I deal with death on a daily basis at my job, and worked the 1 October shooting in Las Vegas. Then, on 10/15, my mother was rushed to the hospital for a seizure.",Stress +29731,"4)/5) Couldn't count it. He loses sleep because he games until 2-3 AM regularly. I think 4 hours might be a low-end estimate, but I don't want to say he games EVERY day. He doesn't go out with ""real life"" friends, except if I invite him out with my friends. Numerically - yes, we spend time together, but about 12 of those hours are spent sleeping.",Normal +29732,"I've been looking around this sub for a while without posting. I'd like to do my part to help. Although there's a significant number of requesters who are just lazy and exaggerate their bad situations, there's a few people who actually would benefit from a bit of extra money every month. I recently spoke with a poster who claimed they had all the free time in the world and couldn't work, after I sent them $80 for a bill and a meal, they claimed they were always really busy and couldn't ever talk. **Criteria:**",Normal +29733,"But then I get angry so quickly and I feel terrible because I snapped at someone who didn’t deserve it and I just don’t understand where it comes from. Or I’ll suddenly start thinking about what happened to me and I’ll get really really depressed, again out of nowhere. One minute I’m functioning okay and the next I seem like someone else. I don’t know if this is a symptom of my PTSD or if there’s something else mentally wrong with me that’s being piled on top of the PTSD. I was just recently diagnosed so I guess I’m still trying to figure out what’s the PTSD and what’s just me losing my mind.",Stress +29734,"It took some time. And took me running down the street with our 3 year old son in my arms with him chasing me for me to finally get away. Understand that what i have wrote here is literally just the tip of the iceberg.. i could write about it all, but i would need to write a book. I dont think i would ever run out of things to write about. I have seen 1 doctor since leaving him and he said i have PTSD... i dont like talking about it so i never went back.",Normal +29735,​ So my question is: Would it be petty to create a small sign for my desk stating that only certain individuals are authorized to be behind my desk? I work closely with another team and they are allowed behind my desk as they answer phones when I am working with their clients. This teams has proven their trustworthiness multiple times and always ask before touching or going through any of my things. ​,Normal +29736,"So im m15 im still in school ive been through abuse when i was a kid it scarred my head i live with my mum now but i usually roam in woods playing guitar, i got diagnosed when i was 14 shit sucks gives me flashbacks whenever i close my eyes, my mind scans every goddamn thing in the area every fucking thing!, i just dont know how to explain its so complicated my brain acts weird at times i just need to know wtf is happening with me! ive only got a gf and noone else. any help is appropriated. thanks in advance",Stress +29737,"Due to leaving my hairbrush at home during Spring Break, I haven't been able to brush my hair in months. I am also almost out of deodorant, toothpaste, and mouth rinse. My lease for my apartment will be running out on the 31st, meaning I'll be going back home to Houston (where I'll get a different job that actually calls me into work and doesn't leave me with only 8 cents in my account. I wish I was kidding). I'll need to clean the apartment for inspection, so I also need some cleaning supplies.",Stress +29738,"It turns out they had been giving our grandparents a very idyllic, picturesque idea of what life in the church was like and my grandmother hated herself for a long time for not knowing what the truth was, even though there's no way she could have. I'm now I'm college and in therapy. My sister was younger than me and doesn't have quite as much baggage from it all, I don't think she remembers as much or maybe she blocked more of it out, another small mercy, but she still has deep issues and acts out in really inappropriate ways. I've found a measure of happiness. Edited for spelling and sentence structure.",Normal +29739,"He also talked very condescendingly to me and the other female servers, as well as being a total arse in general. I wanted to say something SO badly, but by the time I worked up the courage, he took her arm and led her to their car. Also, I didn't want to make things worse for her by sticking up for her in public. I wrote down their license plate number and car model, but I did not get the chance to see the name on the card he paid with. I really want to reach out to this woman.",Stress +29740,But I could feel construction workers staring at me. I know I might be paranoid but I don’t want to take chances anymore I’m scared. I already paid for a year at the gym (about 6 months ago.) Do you think I should talk to someone about getting at least a partial refund for the 6 months? I don’t want to bring my situation up to them and have them say sorry but not our problem.,Stress +29741,"I then joined a few suport groups online, but the same problem happened again. Why this is a problem, is because its my attack trigger, along with other things related to the event like seeing screens smoke, smelling it on people, and other such things. The traumatic event was when I was forced to take it by friends when I was severely ill and could have used a nine-one-one call instead. I did eventually get help, but not after having pot butter and a pipe shoved in my mouth. I wasn't in a good crowd back then.",Normal +29742,"Long story short - my housemate's sister and I are super interested in each other, and I wanted to surprise her with a gift for a (very!) belated Christmas for when I get back home. We've known each other about a year, and we've been on one pretty damn romantic midnight tour of Dubai as a date. I know she is interested because she made the first move. In any case, both of us are into books, and I wanted to give her a favourite of mine (Paul Beatty's The Sellout) with the inscription: 'To X, I can only hope this book makes you laugh half as much as you make me.",Normal +29743,"(I did check the Wiki / Rules, but alas, could not find anything. Again, may be being silly, so apologies if I am!) Also, I am a UK resident. Would this cause issues if purchasing for someone in the Americas? !",Normal +29744,"Generally good marriage. We can both be stubborn, so compromise doesn't come easy (especially for DW, who is very religious - I am not). We are at an uncomfortable stalemate. She comes from a family with 5 kids, I have only one other sibling. She feels there is a ""hole"" in our family and that 5 kids is the perfect number.",Normal +29745,"they will see that someone else is willing to do all the work for them. once you try to lead the way, you’ll never stop because they will never take over for you. they will watch you do more & more for them until you are living your life completely for them. once you live for them, you become just like them. you will be completely controlled by them, not feeling comfortable being yourself.",Normal +29746,Yet I’ve already been through the worst and come out smarter and stronger. I’m not so afraid that I’m just running and not fighting it anymore. So WHAT exactly am I afraid of? WHAT is the reason of this fear? I mean what’s the worst that will happen and how can it be any worse than what he’s already put me through.,Normal +29747,"I eventually came to accept what I went through by realising that I did nothing to deserve it, he's just a bastard. However, he got married again to a woman he's been with for a few years last week and now has a new family. They seem genuinely happy and from what I know he isn't abusing them. I should be happy for them as it means he might have finally sorted himself out but I can't help but think that he's the same person he was, and I actually did deserve it. I know it's not rational for me to think that, but I can't help it.",Normal +29748,"● active staff members ● active support staff ● helping channels and channels that you can share your art in, talk to others in, and voice chat in. ● rules that keep the community safe ● we have added a ""creative corner""... this is a place for writers and artists of any kind to share their works and get feedback on it if they'd like.",Normal +29749,The violence was still happening. The mind games were also still happening so I felt like it was my fault. That I had done something wrong to “deserve” it. I supported both him and myself in this new state while he was in school. I ended up losing my job for reasons out of my control and had a really difficult time finding a new job.,Stress +29750,"Diary: I'm having a tough day today but I'm pushing through and trying to change from the negative to the positive. I heard a saying today, that there's two basic feelings - positive and negative. Imagine yourself as a train, you have the choice to switch track at any stage, from negative to positive ❤ You can do it. You are loved and you love others.",Normal +29751,"We were able to get everything out quickly but.. this isnt a simple fix anymore. We have a roofer coming out on the 4th for an estimate, but unless its about 400 which I doubt it will be, I have no idea how to pay for this. This year has gotten worse and worse each month. We just blew everything we have to get out water pump fixed so we'd have water again (10.5k) plus our AC broke (luckily only $400) and then our car battery died (120..) ive maxed out every card I have, can barely make the min payments cause stuff keeps piling so my credit has been shot and I just... I dont even know what this sub could do to help but if anyone has some advice or like a charity that would help us?",Stress +29752,"I have had a rough few months. A few years ago I was diagnosed with ptsd after being the victim of a violent robbery. It caused a few panic attacks followed by a day or two of ultra high anxiety, but would always subside. The last 2.5 months in this order I have dealt with the following things: 1.",Stress +29753,"I can't stay in my hometown either, where we are both abused and there are no job prospects. We have to go where there is work. He lives in a bigger city where there are definitely jobs. I know I should ask him about her first, but like I said, I'm afraid he'll say no and we'll be stuck here indefinitely. Any advice?",Stress +29754,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete.",Normal +29755,"My mom never threw books at me, but the impact of something along with the name-calling was enough. I ran to my room and I honestly don't remember what I did. I remember my attack going on for hours, but everything else is blurry. Now my grandma's ""sorry"". She was ""stressed out"" so she did that.",Stress +29756,"________________________________________________ I try to keep reading plenty of motivational quotes during the day just so that I can have some more strength during the day and for fuck's sake, it's like these motivational speakers cannot get their shit together. **""Everything comes to you at the right time. Be patient and trust in the process""** VS **""If you keep waiting for the right time, it may never happen. Sometimes you have to make the most of the time you have.”",Normal +29757,"3: This is the big one. I'm currently unemployed, as I was in school (paid for by the Department of Rehabilitation), so I cannot meet ANY income requirement. Even places that overlook my felony won't budge on this. To top it off, I have nobody who is both able and willing to co-sign. I've tried offering more up front to no avail.",Stress +29758,"Sorry previous post deleted as I didn't include relationship length. As title says. I have enough money to buy a house, my girlfriend has only just started working. It seems to make financial sense for me to go ahead and make the purchase- I'd be paying toward my mortgage instead of rent and my girlfriend can stay and pay cheaper rent. However, when I spoke to her.",Normal +29759,"That being said, I love her when she is good, otherwise we wouldn’t be together. She tells she didn’t want to tell all those mean things. But then she does it again. I’m thinking what I can do, and I’ve come up with the following idea: She is straight-A university student, so I’ve devised a rating system for handling aggression.",Normal +29760,"I'm in the seventh grade and I started an after school activity last trimester. In our school, the year is split into three trimesters, and you can sign up for different activities each trimester. Last trimester, I started the club (Anime/Manga Fanclub) and we received an email with the activities that had too many people signed up. My club was in it! This really boosted my self confidence, and everyone really seemed to enjoy the activity.",Normal +29761,"This is where she met her current best friend. Let's call him Rob. Now, she met this guy while she was still dating her ex. They had issues after a couple of years (more than 2), apparently that was the time she and her best friend started to get really close. In her own words, they started texting a lot, going out with their colleagues a lot, etc.",Normal +29762,"Short - I live in Christchurch, New Zealand and my friend is currently getting beaten by her husband, but has 3 dogs and will not leave without taking them with her as she fears what he might do to them. Long - She is currently living in a diffrent room to him but is getting beaten most nights, she has not signed a tenancy aggrement and the house she is renting is owned by her husbands best friend. She has pictures of the bruising and blood aswell as screenshots of the messages he is sending her. She has been in contact with womans refuge, unfortunatly there is not alot they can do because she does not want to leave. Also one of the dogs is old and usually sleeps inside.",Stress +29763,"I can't afford one of the really nice ones that actually looks more like real hair and not shiny plastic. If anyone, by chance, has an actual nice wig (not a costume wig) that I could have it would be GREATLY appreciated. It'd be so nice to go out in public and not worry that my hair looks super fake. I really miss having nice hair. Thanks.",Normal +29764,"Since then, I've been having major anxiety about my voice and have refused to speak to anyone because I am afraid that they will think I am a lying robot. If I sound this way when I'm feeling energetic and confident, how must I sound the rest of the time??? However, I know that I am going to have to speak again eventually because not only do I have a job interview AND a party on Tuesday BUT I also have to do most of the speaking for my boyfriend as he is not confident at all in his English. Have any of you ever been told you sound like a robot? How did you overcome it or how did you stop feeling anxious about this?",Stress +29765,"During this time, my son, the brave little guy, still had the soundness of mind to call my sister, who is a police dispatcher. He couldn’t understand what was happening, so he thought my husband was trying to hurt me instead of himself. Since my sister was off duty so she placed the call to the police while we were up in my room. I heard him slam the front door, so I told my son to stay there and went down to check it out. He had slammed the kitchen knife into the wall and ran out to the woods behind his house.",Normal +29766,So I have been a bunch of strange symptoms over the last 3 weeks which have caused me to freak out thinking that I have MS. The symptoms are 1. A sense of something crawling over my skin. This is very random and never never localized and jumps from one leg to another and to my arms i think i got it even in my lower back and neck (I think),Stress +29767,"She seems to want to have longer conversations about her emotions every day. I'm trying to work on my studies. tldr: I'd really, really appreciate some advice. Please don't just comment ""break up with her"". Thanks.",Stress +29768," Hello, I'm a 34 year old Transgender woman trying to survive in Montana of all places. I not only have to fight gender dysphoria but also try to stay strong living in a community in which many openly hate people like me. I am trying to reach my goal of Facial Feminization Surgery, as well as Gender Confirmation Surgery (Bottom surgery) and Breast Augmentation with the first two being my main goals by far. I feel intense pressure to get these things done as soon as possible.",Stress +29769,"I am really worried about my future as it feels my anxiety always has me quitting jobs or having issues while I was in school. I can't even travel and work out of state as last time I tried I missed my interview and was nearly hospitalized with severe anxiety (travel is a trigger for me). I just got out of college and I'm really worried about how I can survive the working world in my future, otherwise I wouldn't care about losing this job. It hurts though and I feel like a total failure... Thanks for reading.",Stress +29770,"I can't stay standing, or even sitting for extended periods of time without severe consequences to my neck, and my head. And more recently have been experiencing heart trouble. I'm getting some doctors to look at me but they haven't found anything yet. I've literally been going with no money or insurance and bills are piling up. Since I cannot commit to any continuous work, I'm finding it impossible to make money.",Stress +29771,"I am obviously devastated. I feel disappointed, angry, sad and rejected. I'm constantly asking myself why she no longer wants to live with me. She says she wants to have her own space to go to when she wants to be at ease, ""not that she doesn't feel at ease with me, it's just different"". I tried to make her see that we're supposed to make a new home for ourselves where we will both feel at ease, but to no avail.",Stress +29772,"She'd deleted evidence years ago. Yet she sat me down, told me she'd been groomed and it was my fault for not telling her. It was my fault she'd be single forever. We're talking incidents happening from when I was 6 through to 16. So I'm angry about that when I think about it.",Normal +29773,"I need help talking about this: you can still be a good person even if you mess up sometimes. As long as you try, it'll be ok. I'm so afraid of people leaving me because I made them sad, I was mean, or I annoy them, anything, and they'll hold it against me even if I try to improve and make concentrated efforts to change. It's crippling. It's a catastrophic thought.",Stress +29774,"This will probably end up being a rant. Whoever reads this, thank you. Trigger warning - sexual assault So I was 17 going to a summer camp out of state. This was my first time ever being away from my family for more than a day at a time.",Normal +29775,"Why am I being all shelled up? How do I not do that, and what should I do in order to process and handle my emotions without damaging the trust he is trying to place in me? I know he right now what is needed is for me to be stable, loving and light. Why can't I do it? TLDR: going through a rough patch where husband was abusive and raging.",Stress +29776,"I feel like platitudes are useless, but I really don't know what else to say. ""It's gonna be fine, don't worry"" is basically all I say when I'm not frustrated. So I need help understanding a better way to be a better person to him. ​ Thanks.",Normal +29777,"So again, here I am, with no idea what to do. I don't have any particular skills, besides almost never getting fatigued, the ability to walk for hours on end without getting tired, lifting some pretty heavy objects despite my skinny figure, and a few other things. I know some Korean, and am studying Japanese, Chinese, and Spanish (self taught). The only things of value that I have anymore are my phone and laptop that I've had since I ran away, and I mainly use the wifi at work to access the internet. My only source of sleep is a 30-60 minute nap I manage to sneak in inside the changing stalls at the gym I shower at, unless a coworker is nice enough to let me stay with them for a few nights.",Stress +29778,"He refused to look me in the face and acknowledge what he had done. Several days later, his sister calls me, feigning friendship, asking if I would like to get the cat I had been forced to adopt while living there. When I got home, a multiple hour drive each way, I noticed the cat behaving strangely. This cat was at this point, less than a year after my leaving, almost entirely feral, and infested with a ridiculous number of fleas. I posted on a local forum for my town about ways to help repair this cat’s now-aggressive nature.",Normal +29779,"I can't talk like that."" He put a hand on my shoulder and smiled and said, ""You sure are."" It goes in a circle. He made me feel better there by affirming that he thinks I'm worthwhile. Great, that'll probably get on his nerves.",Normal +29780," Story's in the link if interested. All I will say here - thanks for reading and considering, and if there's anything I can do to make this more comfortable on you (answer questions, try to clear up any confusion, etc), I'll do the best I can. One thing I will say, also: I know for the food issue that the food pantry/bank subreddits exist, and will try them if I have to. It's just that I'm trying to put that off for a little if I can.",Normal +29781,"Is it a true event that happened? Have I made it up somehow? Could a child make this up? Am I overreacting about this all? I have had a great youth and the sweetest family and friends, nothing ever went wrong or something.",Normal +29782,"Can you relate? TL;DR: I did something stupid at work. A coworker called me out for it, and rightfully so. I apologized, she accepted, and all is now good. *But I can't stop thinking about it, dwelling on it.",Stress +29783,"My mom finally had a response, basically my brother works very hard (and he does, he does manual work, which I know is very hard) but nothing regarding me. I don't know what to do- maybe I am overreacting but I don't know. P.s. my brother stays out of everything, he is kind and asks me questions but doesn't play games with my sister and is usually out of the room doing something. **tl;dr**:I feel like no matter what I do - my family is disappointed at me and if I ask to not be fun of it just gets worse.",Stress +29784,"The only woman who ever treated me with respect, my nan, died a few months ago. This household is screwing with all of us. There's nothing we can do, because she refuses to seek help, so this will never change. I want to move out, but I have nowhere to go, no job, and no money. The best I can do is wait it out until someone dies, I suppose.",Stress +29785,"My friend is coming to get me in the grocery store parking lot where I wound up after. It is, legally, without a doubt my fault, although actually not because the cops cut the guy in front of me off to let some school busses go past without traffic or whatever, the roads were slick, and I couldn’t stop in time, but I’m still freaking out in my head. Ugh. Mentally just not alright right now. I should not have gone out today.",Stress +29786,"But one night, I somehow picked up on a pattern or loop in the cricket sounds, and I haven't been able to listen to it since. My brother had the same model in the room next to mine, and I ended up getting him a new one for his birthday because even puddles through the wall, every single loop felt like an ice pick to my forehead. It's like my brain knows what sound is coming and the auditory auto-correct is mentally painful and dread inducing. Any advice/suggestions would be helpful-- can't seem to get the right combination of experiences/symptoms from misophonia, sensory processing, etc. Thanks!",Stress +29787,"I'm a freelancer, which means pay isn't always steady. I also have frequent painful and difficult digestive issues as well as migraines that lay me out several times a month. I work hard, I make an effort to save where I can, but some months bills and such wipe me out. I'm just coming through a bout of sick and feeling up to eating again, but thanks to pay waits and bills, I'm broke and down to a bit of brown rice and gelatin in the house. I made a post this morning on r/Random_Acts_of_Pizza and a mod pointed me here for some slightly more substantial help.",Stress +29788,"I clean the living room everyday. I take care of the kids, dinner, homework, put to bed, wash all the bottle stuff at night. I try to make our bed everyday, but have been slacking on that lately. I clean our room (although not nearly as often as I should), I take out garbage, I wash the counters and oven. I ask him to do the kitchen, which sometimes takes days for him to get to.",Stress +29789,"Since then I have heard from him once, in the form of a drunken voicemail pleading with me to forgive him and swearing that he doesn't remember anything. I may be able to believe that if I didn't know he was a manipulative pathological liar. The worst thing about this to me is that he has two kids, a little girl and a little boy who I absolutely adore. I haven't been able to see them in five years (I'm nineteen now). If anyone is reading this, and you're wondering why I didn't call the police, I did.",Stress +29790,I’m not living a lavish lifestyle or rolling around in money. I explained to her that if we divided rent based on income percentage she would actually be paying more per month. All this on top of the fact that she turned down a free car. It feels really unfair because I think she blames me for moving us to a “more expensive” location for my new job. So in her mind she shouldn’t have to pay anything more than the dirt-cheap rent I was charging her to live with me at my house.,Normal +29791,"It's always been something I have feared but it's got so much worse since developing anxiety. I think it stems down to the fact I had a tooth removed when I was only 5. Doesn't sound like a big deal but my mum didn't tell me I had to have it removed till the actual day. She just woke me up and got me in the car and told me we were going to the hospital (the children's dentist was at the hospital) so they could put me asleep and remove my tooth. Obviously at 5 that seemed pretty scary, didn't help that I had to wait 3 hours when I got there.",Stress +29792,"feel free to delete or disregard if this isn't in the right sub. I saw a guy for months having sex a couple times a week. But not just that, hanging out and being friends too. In December he asked me what we were. I knew that this was something we should talk about and so we sat down and talked it out.",Normal +29793,"I’m a Canadian traveling in India and staying for a few days at a homestay (paid accommodation). At home I have a beloved rescue dog. Three adult dogs live here at the homestay: one male and two nursing females. The dogs’ body language towards the people who live and work here is positive. The dogs wag, follow people, accept physical affection.",Normal +29794,"The past few months especially have been hard on me. I think about her often, not even necessarily in a sexual manner, but I miss her. Even more so, the fantasies have started up again. I have vivid, detailed dreams about her sexually, and they upset me throughout the day, and I don't know what to think. Any advice?",Stress +29795,"I try to take all opinions with a grain of salt, but ""incel"" isn't really an isolated trend, and there are more cases that it's part of the way our modern male/female gender system works. Also, I don't understand this, but questioning this stuff doesn't mean I hate all women. It doesn't even imply that. But doesn't everyone have a right to vent frustration? I want to talk more and give you more details.",Normal +29796,"*Mindfulness Meditation:* Hopefully you know about this by now:), but there are specific mindfulness meditations that allow you to develop certain parts of your brain. If you want to be happier, there are meditations for that. More concentrated, there are meditations for that. You can choose how to improve yourself and that’s **backed by fucking science. ** Like building a muscle, these changes take a lot of repetitions, but you do start seeing progress in as little as a few weeks if you are dedicated.",Normal +29797,"Hi, My partner is a Dv survivor after 15 years, he eroded everything about her and mentally abused her mostly throughout with sexual elements towards the last few years Shes lovely, the most caring girl in the world and so beautiful But its also not easy, she likes a few drinks at weekends and the drink brings out a different girl or maybe its the true girl im not sure, this girl has vivid flashbacks and they are pretty harsh Shes in therapy too and thats tough going as well its popping the cork on all the anger she has bottled up over 15 years",Stress +29798,"I just wrote a 3 page statement, trying to include the entire bad history"" of our relationship.abuse. Is there an pointers or tips you have for writing a statement that lets the judge know exactly what this jerk deserves? A certain length? Do I only talk about what has happend AFTER the assault, because there hasn't really been much. It's more about all the things leading up to it.",Normal +29799,"I come from an Asian family where kids are not expected to move out, its the opposite where kids are supposed to live at home and take care of the parents when they become adults, however living in America has made me hate this mindset because I am never able to be an individual. My dad is extremely controlling and a downright bully, he verbally abuses me and my siblings about anything possible just for the sake of abusing us. He always demands we listen to him and do things his way and if we don't we are ""disobedient"" and ""bad children"". He even abuses my mom verbally and she knows it but deals with because its how she was raised, even random strangers like waiters and cashiers at stores are bullied, he'll complain about lines being long and blame cashiers for being ""slow"" ect. OVERALL THIS MAD IS EXTREMELY NEGATIVE and if you try to talk back or explain to him to be a little bit nicer he gets defensive and goes on a tantrum how hes our dad and we have no right to talk to him like that.",Stress +29800,"I will go homeless soon for reasons i can't stop, i roughly have 1000$ in cash and around 1000$ in possessions such as my PC, second PC, headphones etc etc etc. What should be the first thing i do aside from finding a job? I get the idea of going to a 24 Hr gym and renting a storage unit if i want to store belongings, aside from that is there anything you guys can recommend? ​ edit: Thank you for all your help, it has given me an idea of what i have to do.",Normal +29801,"Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest. ",Normal +29802,"I'm scared, and I've been on edge for the past few days. He has two 4th degree felony charges and I'm so worried that lack of evidence will push the judge to reconsider his charges. My ex is claiming self-defense, even though I wasn't attacking him. I'm way too small of a person, it doesn't even make sense. He towers over me, how does he expect people to believe him?",Stress +29803,"i have asked for her patient while he gets trained, but i understand her not wanting to potentially move into an environment that disturbers her normal way of life, but thats 6 months from now. I am confident that training would fix 70% of the issues that she has with my dog. Could there be something else deeply underlying that i am missing? To me a loving and healthy relationship is one that can come to compromises and that are no winners or losers, but agreements in place to help solve issues TOGETHER . If she has trouble with compromising on a proper solution now, what will happen when it comes to or much larger life decisions like buying a house or moving to a new city.",Normal +29804,"But now i want that to change. My need for paxil is in direct relations to panic attacks or aggression attacks as i refer to them sometimes. I tend to get agitated easily or snap at people if I feel panicky or if I am embarrassed or put in situations I do not like I get agitated to the point of being a dick and yelling a lot. Which my family ends up being on the wrong side of my temper tantrums, my panick attacks turn into agitation and defensiveness. Ha anyone else switched from paxil successfully or anyone with a similar situation using something different?",Stress +29805,"Realistically, because of geographic lockdown, (needed) pay grade, etc, it's going to take a good year for me to switch. I need a way to maintain until I can get out. A couple of years ago, when it started getting bad, I coped by drinking a lot more and being a couch potato. But that's bad for me and my family, not working, so I've stopped. I went on a two week business trip.",Normal +29806," my puppy, was born unable to eat or drink for herself. I have been tube feeding her every 4-6 hours for 7 weeks with the hope that whatever the issue is would mend itself. Unfortunately, she has had no such luck. I took her to the vet and they believe it is a disorder called Pharyngeal Achalasia. The test to confirm the diagnosis is between $800 and $1,000, with the surgery to repair it being another $2,500.",Normal +29807,"Snot. Slobber. Just uncontrollable sadness. I was about to explain to her that we would be back later that night and if she was good, we'd bring her a treat. But Mom just scooped her up and coddled her like you would a 9 month old who was crying because they were a bit cranky.",Normal +29808,"No wonder I get scolded for bad grades, called a lazy, worthless piece of fuck because I am too lazy or too stupid to care about exams and my future, but in reality, I deeply care too much as if I feel like the whole fucking world of 7 billion people, and millions or billions of other organisms are on my shoulders ... and all I can do is to shut down entirely. I shut down by brain, my thoughts, my emotions, everything because I cannot take all the anxiety. All the pressure. All the fear and terror. Sometimes I feel as depressed as if I am a lonely guy in a post-apocalyptic setting where everyone is either dead or absent or gone.",Stress +29809,"It's true that I can probably be annoying (messy, absent-minded so I forget/lose things a lot, I'm also always making (possibly annoying) jokes about everything, and afraid that comes off as attention-seeking or something), but I don't really have any evidence that I was bothering anyone. In fact, it seemed like we were all having a great time. But I'm having a hard time shaking my worry that I acted like an idiot or something. I felt the same way after going to my favorite cousin's wedding last year, who I also hadn't seen in a couple years. **tl;dr**: does anyone else feel reasonably comfortable in social situations as they occur, but then torture yourself over them after they have come to pass?",Stress +29810,"I'm going crazy. Now I'm jobless because my attempts to please/help her only screwed myself over and now I'm jobless and my mental health issues are coming out. Getting jobs is really hard for me due to some PTSD from my parents, but I'm trying my best to push through it and get a job ASAP. I'm dropping out of school (again) so I can work on my financials, but in the meantime, I NEED OUT!!!!!!! !",Stress +29811,"I have not been to East Jesus yet, but Salvation Mountain is cool. One of my camp mates, KK, does shifts there a few times a week. The library is bursting with books, roomy and covered in cool shade while being open to the breezes. I spent my first day at the library. The Internet cafe isn't readily apparent at first glance.",Normal +29812,"TL;DR: I wish to ask out my longtime friend this Valentines, but I am afraid of my past coming back and ruining my renewed trust with both her and my friends that I’ve worked years to repair. Note, what I am not scared of is rejection, I am scared of being feared or hated once again. How I most easily do away with the stigma revolving around my past so that I can be judged by who I am now instead of who I was in the past? That’s what is keeping me up at night. I look forward to what the community has to say.",Stress +29813,"I’m going to kill myself. I can’t take this anymore. I was doing so much fucking better lately, and just like a snap of a finger, I am disassociating harder then I ever have before. It comes out of nowhere, when I’m having an other wise good day. No anxiety or depression but out of nowhere I get extremely disassociated.",Stress +29814,"I don’t know how to make him leave because he says if I do that he will go and dispute all the charges I ever made on his debit card and say it was fraud and he will have me prosecuted. In the past when we were together I stupidly sent him private photos of myself and he threatens to send them to my church, my parents, and my bosses. He says he will do whatever he can to ruin my life and see that I lose my job and lose the respect of everyone in my life and have legal consequences go using his money (which again, he said I could but now he’s saying I’m lying). I feel like he literally dictates my life. He breaks things in my apartment.",Stress +29815,"I blocked him on FB and then deactivated. One two punch, because my FB addiction is another obstacle in my life. I'm very proud of these decisions, but it also meant leaving my ""Thrive After Abuse"" group. So now here I am on Reddit, hoping to find another supportive community. Best wishes to all.",Normal +29816,"I loved this person dearly with all my heart, and it was an extremly tragic and sudden death. I want to go to my doctor but im already in counceling. Ive only gone once and my next visit is on wednesday. Should I tell my greif councellor? Thanks for reading.",Stress +29817,"I live in BC and im gonna be homeless soon, I'm thinking about just saving up enough money to take a greyhound to the Vancouver island to live out being homeless and to get a fresh start. I'm thinking about either Qualicum Bay or Parksville since they're both small and have good weather. I don't want to be homeless in a big city full of crime and I want to be somewhere where it doesn't get to -20 in the winter, are there any other good places in BC to be homeless?",Normal +29818,"The contract with Apex is over and they screwed me hard. I don't have another job lined up despite having never stopped looking, and I was counting on my income taxes to pay back all the people who I borrowed money from and buy me some time to get a proper job and fix all of this. Now I have no idea what I'm going to do. Everything is falling apart is even bigger chunks than before. All of the bills are due again and rent is coming up.",Stress +29819,"I have a fear of fainting so I was like “what if I fainted from so much fear during this test” and next thing you know, worst panic attack of my life during the quiz and I failed it. We have the test the next week and same thing happens, but less intense. I got a D on it. Now I have a D in the class. I am TERIFFIED.",Stress +29820,"I [26F] have been with my boyfriend [30M] for almost 5 years now. We live together and talk about spending the rest of our lives together. While being home for the holidays, I was re-aquatinted with a friend who helped me through a tough time in high school. In a completely platonic way, he supported me after I was left heartbroken by my first love. He has always been compassionate, understanding, and non-judgmental and has given advice that I still live by today.",Normal +29821,"I have this feeling of dread about school right before I go to bed and I wake up with an upset stomach which lasts all day and nakes me feel like I'll throw up. This causes me to lose appetite and not wanting to drink water for fear of throwing up. I'm not sure where else to go with this, but I need help. If any of you have this, can you tell me how you deal with it? I'm tired of having this every day and feeling like I'll throw up.",Stress +29822,"My stress tolerance was already at a zero and I was contemplating suicide a lot, i didn’t want to see where that would lead me and I didn’t want to do that to my brothers. I was incredibly lucky and got referred to a good psychologist that I like. He’s helping me through the problems of getting rehabilitation welfare, which is a hassle because I constantly have to talk to new counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists which triggers breakdowns. I hate talking about myself to strangers, I’m not ashamed at all, I just hate having to share how I truly feel with strangers. It makes it so real.",Stress +29823,"I don't know if it was the campground, or if the probably former friend wanted some revenge. All of the hotels are way out of our price range in our area. We can stay a couple of nights, and our reservation at the campground ends this weekend. I will be asking for a refund of the remaining nights. I'm terrified that our kids will be taken from us for being homeless for less than 6 weeks.",Stress +29824,"She taught me a bunch at first. In the beginning of the week people asked what me and my Ex did. I informed them we broke up and it was due to infidelity on her part. This was not a cool move, however, I knew her sister would try to paint me as the bad guy. I was spot on.",Normal +29825,"I made a wishlist, and it has some ramen on it. If anyone could help out it would be so much appreciated. Thank you! My zip code is 35020. Link to amazon wish list: ",Normal +29826,"I close the door and put my back against it. He's slamming into the door, trying to break into it, yelling that I'm crazy and I'm making everything up. I'm terrified and sobbing, yelling for help and for him to leave me alone. At this point I'm begging him to let me get my phone to call my dad to come get me. He finally tells me that I can, and that he can't wait for me to be gone.",Stress +29827,Apparently it has been going on since the day they moved in together. I don't know what to tell her thought. Since her husband is a good friend of me and my husband it's kinda weird for me to say 'leave him' or 'get out' I don't want to influence any decision she makes. What should I tell her? Tl;dr: friends husband is aggresive and I don't know what to tell her,Stress +29828,"One second I’m thinking, things are just fine. The next I’m thinking, I’m awful for prolonging this, just do it. It’s exhausting. I know I need a bit of a break for some me time at the very least, but beyond that I can’t tell what’s real and what anxiety. What do I do?",Stress +29829,"Oh Jesus Christ. I blacked out in front of my family- my family with a history of alcoholism (I'm an alcoholic too), my family that I promised I wouldn't get drunk in front of....I don't know what I said but they are PISSED. I come from a sort of passive aggressive family and they won't tell me what I said. I am so terrified and filled with shame and completely embarrassed. I know a lot of my family members' secrets that I'm not supposed to know and I easily could have spouted them out.",Stress +29830,"Does anyone have any similar experience and were you able to become functioning friends with your ex or was it best to cut all ties, even if it meant losing friends? TL;DR Broke up with my girlfriend of ten years because she fell in love with a complete stranger from overseas. Have shared friends and can’t seem to shake the feeling of sadness/anger whenever I see her due to our reason for breaking up. Should I cut her out of my life and lose friends or make more of an effort to be friendly/peaceful towards her?",Stress +29831,"Now I'm terrified of starting this new job because even if it's better than my old one, I'm scared I'll lose all the progress I've made. When I'm overwhelmed I tend to just sleep and everything else falls to the wayside. I feel like I can't stay with part time work because all my friends and family expect me to get back to full time work ASAP, and feel like I'm not moving forward in my career otherwise. Everyone keeps telling me to just give it a chance, it'll all work out, but I'm not sure what to do/think. Advice on what to do about work and how to calm down enough to sleep tonight and how best to manage everything going forward?",Stress +29832,"Why is this the hardest month? Is it that the nerves have cleared, minute by minute anxiety calmed, hopelessness resolved, and now I have to sit a grieve a person I made up in my head? The person I convinced myself he was is so much more attractive than the reality of what he was. He is 27, I’m 25, and now he’s targeting 21 year olds. I am broken but I am piecing myself together.",Stress +29833,"Hello. As you can tell by the title, I'm concerned about this little girl across the street. She's able to walk and talk, but I don't think she's even 5 yet. From what I've witnessed the four years I've lived in this house, the home she lives in is not at all suitable for her as a developing child. Her parents are constantly screaming at each other in the street, and the girl is bawling, as her mom commands her to get into her car so she can take her wherever.",Stress +29834,"Hello r/anxiety. I've dealt with GAD for decades, and have benefitted greatly from therapy and medication. After years of taking Paxil, I've gone *without* medication for the last couple years. It's been mostly ok, but my symptoms are annoying enough that I'm considering medication again. After consulting with a psychiatrist, it seems like an SSRI or SSNI is still my best bet.",Normal +29835,"WARNING GRAPHIC! That same day my accident and hospitalization insurance claim was denied because that insurance product was canceled in March, by my husband, who claimed we were already divorced. He did this in March, April and May all following court dates or arrests. It will be fixed, but like the rest of the insurance cancellations, it’s going to take a few weeks.",Normal +29836,"What if they were met with a broken system, the same way I was when I tried to get help on my own? What if there were others I never knew about who tried to help me? It's really got me in a tizzy. I feel relieved. At least one person saw and tried to help.",Normal +29837,"We've been getting along very well, and our previous repeated complaints on both sides of ceased because of this. But as time has gone on my feelings have changed in regards to me thinking I can accept this and work through it with her. I know I love her, and I don't really know how to explain my emotions here, but I no longer feel like ""her husband"", and I don't feel like she's ""my wife"", it's more like we're partners or room mates or something. I feel a vital part of our marriage (loyalty, and trust) is gone and it can't come back. In the end, I can't shake the thoughts of leaving and restarting my life.",Stress +29838,I only realized this was a stupid idea in my freshman year of college when I started having flashbacks. I tried once more to do therapy and almost failed out of school. Again I buried it all to be dealt with at a more convenient time. I have now been working in a job that don't mind for the last year and 3 months. I found that November and December were a struggle and because of that I planned to address my stuff by going to therapy starting in 2019.,Stress +29839,"With trying to pay some old bills like a delinquent 500+ electric bill, I rarely had extra to save. Paying that old bill has cleared a hurdle on my path to my own place. I paid that bill and now I can get electric service when the time comes. That was a big win for me. I stayed with a relative and kind of kept pace with expenses and contributing to expenses while slowly paying down that bill.",Normal +29840,"Stage 4 would be perfect. I know that's self-destructive thinking; I know I'm supposed to be present, current, not wallowing in my pain and sorrow. I know I'm supposed to focus on healthy thinking and growth. I know that I'm supposed to find joy now, and I really do try. I'm not sure there's such a thing as joy absent my children; it may be a fool's errand.""",Normal +29841,"Something that's started happening to me recently is sometimes the world becomes so unreal that things like houses blow my mind(Don't even get me started on wheels). It's weird because these things in a normal state of mind are just their and barely have any impact on me but when I get into this kind of trance, everything becomes surreal. I googled this feeling and most of the results seem to be related to anxiety so I wanted to hear if others here experience it too.",Normal +29842,"A few days before Valentine’s Day, someone sent me screenshots of him talking to a girl on FaceTime or Instagram saying “you’re so cute” and flirting with her. I decided not to say anything- the girl lived in another state and I didn’t want to bring it up. I figured she was a fried from when he had hitchhiked across the country when he was in college. I waited till Valentine’s Day, and called him up- he told me “I don’t think we should live together, and I just signed a 9 month lease at my apartment.” I was livid. He brought me 2 dozen roses and I smashed them in front of him in a parking lot.",Stress +29843,"My boyfriend constantly states that we are no longer in a relationship and I need to be constantly working towards showing him that he will want to be with me again. I do 90% of the cooking and cleaning in the house. I try my best to make sure his needs are met, even if it means that my needs fall short almost always. It seems like any ""everyday"" argument we have about something always turns into me being a piece of shit because of what I did to him. He tells me that I made him this way and I need to deal with it until he moves past it, which I understand and agree with.",Stress +29844,My anxiety and ocd have been terrible the last few weeks. I've recently started drinking again (stupid I know) and I'm feeling like I need to use it as a crutch again. I am prescribed valium and an anti depressant but I find that the simple act of just having a drink helps more. My main issue is my health anxiety. I have been having the worst sinus and headache flare ups.,Stress +29845,"I self harm sometimes too. I’ve also lately begun to have constant, daily, and explicit nightmares about tarantulas, roaches, and beetles crawling over me while I’m paralyzed. I don’t know it’s that’s relevant or anything, but it may be good to add anyways. I’m asking bc I don’t want the therapist to yell at me or call me a liar like the last few did, so I’m low key nervous and I don’t want to get in any more trouble with my school. Any thoughts or criticisms are welcome.",Stress +29846,"lost best friend of 12 years also i ""think"" i have some type of skin things weather it's mites or fleas or scabies or something idk i'm guessing scabbies and i've tried the remedy for it multiple times but it didn't cure it just kinda lessened the symptoms so w/e it is i have or if it's all in my head i have no idea also been getting alot of headaches but yeah and i'm completely confused and i have no idea what to do or anything i've been researching and trying to find stuff but google isn't that good apparently, i've found out about couchsurfers, dumpster divers, and stuff i just i don't know what to do i really just wish i could start over, or find some kinda self help group or facility. Some where that could help me out with life skills and with my confusion, depression etc again im just really confused and not sure what to do.",Stress +29847,"So, a long time ago when I was in around the 2nd or 3rd grade, I went out to a diner with my family for breakfast and when we went to go pay I saw these two girls in my class. So, they asked me if I wanted to come over and my mom said yes so I went to one of the girl's house for a playdate. So, I went over there and they told me that in order for me to be friends with them I would have to do this initiation thing. Apparently it's a thing they do with another girl in our class. And it was to take off all of our clothes and play pretend.",Normal +29848,"It’s almost a 50/50 mindset, because on one hand she wouldn’t ever wish to be thought of or treated in a horrid way, I have corrected it best I can, and she is the kind of person to forgive and forget. It’s hard. It’s real hard to decide what to do. So that’s why I’m here today people of Reddit. I realize this isn’t the most pressing, serious, or dramatic post on here, but I stick my hand out in the hopes you can give me some guidance, some past experience, wisdom, or advice on what I can do or try so that the “here and now” are in question, and not “then and there”, so that my confession can go along without regret.",Stress +29849,"My tourist visa ends November. Part of me wants to wait shit out until my green card gets here and then leave him. The other part of me wants to walk to my nearest lawyer so that I can hand him divorce papers, and demand money to send me and my dog back home. He said If I am wanting to go home, I should pay him back from my credit card the $2000 for immigration paperwork and $600 lump sum CrossFit membership he paid for me. What to do...",Stress +29850,"I don't know what to do anymore. She doesn't want help, but I am feeling hopeless with her, and I'm afraid it's going to take a toll on our relationship. I have my own mental health issues that I am actively dealing with and I just wish she could see that her issues are affecting people other than herself. --- **tl;dr**: My mother has unaddressed mental health issues, how do I get her to take it seriously and seek professional help?",Stress +29851,I don't know... I don't know what to do. I just want out of here. It's too hard. With this house and school work.,Stress +29852,"It is not like her - even when she was that age - to succumb to pressure like that. I'm trying really hard not to victim blame and immediately feel guilt when I think that way but, again, knowing my wife how I know her - as someone that's not afraid to call BS- it just makes it hard to conceive how she went along with it for so long, knowing that it made her uncomfortable, knowing that it was escalating, and then it was actual happening and her not saying no. I just can't believe these things happened on repeated occasions. I can absolutely see him pressuring her once, her not knowing how to respond when it happened, and then her saying ""This is BS, I'm out"" afterwards. But that she stuck around and let it happen multiple times just seems odd to me.",Stress +29853,"3. Since we are both the only child, we both feel an equal responsibility to carry on our family lines, regardless of our own gender. What do you guys think would be an equitable solution to this problem? --- **tl;dr**: Girlfriend wants future children to have her last name, but I am not comfortable with that due to social conditioning and/or the backlash I would face from my own parents.",Normal +29854,"How about that? No this isn't just some edgy teen, oh I hate my dad, I have every reason to hate him, for what he has done, and continues to purposely do to me and my family. For nearly killing me, for scarring us all to the point I can't even meet a nice person, or have any friends, and not wonder whether they do or don't treat their family like a lump of sh**. Nobody needs, nor should they ever have to live the life I have been forced to live. Nobody should have to call the police because they don't feel safe within their own home.",Stress +29855,"I got a new job !! yay But there will not be a paycheck until end of April (start date is April14). We are a family of 5, me, my daughter-13, my boyfriend and his two teen kids 15&16. He sells insurance but it averages about 1000/800 a month income and that just barely pays bills. I get foodstamps, but only for my daughter and I, and the next date is April 6th..",Normal +29856,In the last year I have developed some health problems. I started having seizures and because of them I had to miss work. Because of that I got fired. I was doing okay still while looking for another job by donating plasma. But my car got repossessed a few days ago and I haven’t been able to get there to donate.,Stress +29857,"An app made sense for this, since so many people have a phone. But sometimes a solution can raise more problems! If we had an app that says ""domestic violence escape plan,"" and if the abuser checks the user's phone, that's even worse than a paper form. So here's the solution we came up with: the app is ostensibly a ""quote of the day"" app, just like so many others. You open it up and it just looks like any other, with inspirational quotes (carefully chosen to be relevant without appearing relevant, by the way).",Normal +29858,"I could stay up here alone, but he says he’ll be where ever we are. I feel trapped and I think it’s making me like I’m acting like a child these days. At least from my perspective. He drained my accounts and I’m financially dependent because I fear not paying bills and I have to feed my daughter and myself. In laws say they can help us...but they’re still his parents.",Stress +29859,"The new man almost immediately moved to the flat previously shared with her ex, which I found strange, but I know she cannot be alone, perhaps because of her troubled childhood/daddy issues. She later confessed she was completely out of her mind in this period, and she would not do it if having a clear head. They never really ended contact, despite all the hurt. She even met with her ex after 3 months apart, confessing she misses him and cried. Since then things between them got complicated.",Normal +29860,"It wasn't an issue, nobody needed to know, now I don't even know *what* people apparently ""know"" and are arguing about. Somewhere under all the anger about my mum making an issue out of nothing there's something that makes me wonder if it *is* a big deal. Maybe I'm just pretending I don't care? Maybe none of this even happened? I just don't know anymore.",Stress +29861,"My boyfriend didn't care. I started to get psychotic at 17. I was so scared, paranoid, had delusions and hallucinations. And no-one to help me. All this hell lasted until I was 22.",Stress +29862,"I of course understand her wanting me to be safe, but I have an IUD and use condoms 100% of the time, which she knows because she pries about my sex life. She knows I'm sexually active and I don't have a boyfriend and is really judgmental about me having casual sex. I had a pregnancy scare last week (I'm not pregnant) and all I wanted was some advice from my mom and she used it as a way to make me feel bad about my sex life. When I was younger, she would constantly slut-shame me for things I hadn't even done, and made me feel so guilty about the idea of even having sex that I didn't have sex even with my year-long high school boyfriend because of this crippling guilt. Whenever we argue she makes it a time to critique my entire personality and not just my behavior in that argument or even within my relationship with her.",Stress +29863,"But she's a nurse and works crazy hours, so it would just be too much for her, I think. I'm posting in case there's an option I'm missing. Any suggestions welcome. tl;dr: I have $$$ coming in, but the timing is off. Might be homeless for two weeks to a month.",Normal +29864,"- Constantly forgets where she put her cell phone (even though she keeps it in the same designated spot) - She was the money-person in my family. Knew everyone's bank account numbers, credit card due dates, utility bills, etc. Recently handed the task of money management to my dad because she was forgetting to pay bills. - On her way to the grocery store, forgot where she was driving to; ended up at my dad's work instead",Normal +29865,"I’m also quite intellectual, I can speak 2 languages other than my native language, English and Japanese. But I only want my boyfriend, he has a shy personality but he’s very knowledgeable, he’s like a walking Wikipedia and I love him so much. He makes me feel calm just laughing at our inside jokes, receiving a cute text from him, and ever since being in a relationship with him I’ve grown to be happy with the smallest things in life. But he never seems to be able to move on from the event from his past, or he‘s just deeply affected by his depression and negative thoughts, also all the stress from his studying in university and family really is a big problem. All of this really took a toll of our relationship, to the point that we hardly called anymore or had any communication.",Stress +29866,"Update - Thanks all, I have calmed down a bit now. Will sleep on it and hopefully tackle with a clearer head tomorrow. --- **tl;dr**: Found out from stranger on Facebook my partner is most likely going to leave me, feel betrayed she posted it on a public forum like Facebook. Right now feeling useless, am introverted and quiet by nature so I don’t have much of a support network.",Stress +29867,"* The survey usually only takes about 5 minutes (or less) to complete - but you can take as long as you like! * Please note that this survey is best viewed via a computer screen, rather than on a mobile phone. Interested? Here's the link: ",Normal +29868,"I just saw Mystic River, and went online to look at comments and all, and I couldn't believe what I saw. If you have seen the film, people claim that where Tim Robbins character's faith went to was bound to happen because of his childhood assault. Why can't movies represent people who have survived childhood sexual assault as strong? Forrest Gump, Jenny becomes a drug addict and is a mess, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang the girl dies, Mysterious Skin becomes a male prostitute. Is that really how society sees us?",Normal +29869,"Its hard knowing that everyone around you doesn't have these issues, It's hard that it takes an extreme amount of work just to make a normal day in life go by smoothly(which it almost never does) At first I felt like I had a grasps on this whole PTSD thing because it made sense when I first got diagnosed but the longer it's been the harder this is to deal with. Do you know what it's like to constantly feel uncomfortable in your own skin but you can never turn it off? this is the answer I give when people ask me what's wrong, because there's always more than one thing going on at the same time. I find myself drinking more than i'd like to admit,I never drank before this, anything to take the edge off. I feel like I'm having to teach myself everything all over again, I don't even know how to formulate that into words.",Stress +29870,"I'm going to be spending only on essentials. I need some advice though. This is new territory to me. You guys got any tips for me? Oh yes and I have a gym membership, so I'll be showering there now.",Normal +29871,"As you can tell, this is quite a bit more than my ""income"" of 250... Today, I got my car tax bill; 190 euro. We do have a wellfare/social security thingie office, but they have turned me down, because their limit IS 250 (rent excluded, but they seriously claim that my brother SHOULD house and feed me...so I get nothing) Without the car, I can't GET to the little work I get - at this point, I can't buy fucking toilet paper - my brother loses about 300 euro per month supporting me (heating, food, hygiene) I don't even know what to do anymore.",Stress +29872,"I am worried that I may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to a few notable symptoms/issues that I experience. (I also have one notable traumatic experience involving an accident my father was in, he got hit by a bus when I was seventeen and almost died, which I do have nightmares and flashbacks of, but that is a different story.) Does anyone have any idea if this is possible to have the disorder due to a multitude of experiences? Thank you for any advice, help, or information in advance. It is greatly appreciated.",Stress +29873,"Then about 25 minutes later I got a message from her saying that she was downstairs with Annie and her friends pre-drinking so I came down. I asked her how long she was down for and she said the whole time as Annie was already downstairs. I asked her why she didn't let me know everyone was downstairs already, instead of just leaving me in my room by myself to which she replied ""don't worry about it, it's no big deal."" I said it seemed weird she just din't think to tell me for nearly half an hour to which she rolled her eyes and said ""oh don't you start."" I decided it wasn't worth getting annoyed about it and didn't bring it up again.",Normal +29874,"Any problem he had, he would blame on me. If I didn’t take his side during an disagreement he was having with someone else, he would get so mad and start with the insults. I eventually got out of the relationship, and when I ended it, he began obsessively texting me up to 30 times a day, talking to my family and lying to them about what was happening, etc. He finally stopped when I threatened a restraining order. The last time we talked was in May 2017.",Normal +29875,"(Edit: sorry if this is very word-salad-esk and difficult to follow, this is one of the only times I’ve ever spoken about this, and the first time writing the entire thing down. It’s long, but it includes every detail that les to what happened. I would really appreciate anyone who wants to avoid any abuse or is going through abuse of an employer to learn from my mistakes, and be smarter and stronger than I was.) I had gotten my first retail job at a very popular hunting and fishing retail chain-store. I had been given the idea to work there by my boyfriend at the time.",Normal +29876,Is he who I would have pictures when thinking of a love interest before we started dating? Not really. He has a different style than my normal type and different interests. However he has an amazing fun personality and our senses of humor mesh really well together. Another big thing that makes us not so perfect is the fact that he got out of his “first love” relationship of 5 years one year before we met.,Normal +29877,"Something like that happened again. He was angry with me and wanted me to go to another room so he didn't have to look at me but I wanted to stay (not getting involved in any conflict or anything, just doing my studying and not interacting) so he took me out of the room by force, not hard again, but I got hysterical nonetheless. After calming down I continued my studies in the kitchen, trying not to think of what had happened and where this relationship was going. In about an hour he came to me and it looked like his anger was unresolved as he was provoking me. I decided not to get involved because this time I was genuinely frightened of what was going on.",Stress +29878,"It helps with the physical symptoms, such as palpatations and elevated heart rate. However I still have attacks that force me to lay down alone for 30 minutes or more, sometimes hours. I have random pains all the time, my arm, leg, chest, stomach, headaches, etc. Constant health anxiety too, I get one mild headache and think I have meningitis or a brain tumor, etc. Well I had a checkup with him today and asked him about medicine I could use PRN.",Stress +29879,"Some days I can't hear music from that time period, watch a show that's remotely emotional, or just sit without tearing up. I've never been to see a shrink, although I know I should of, due to past experiences and money issues. I was diagnosed with PTSD and told I should talk to someone. I don't know where to go usually. Especially on nights like these where I can't be quiet without thinking about that night or breaking down in tears.",Stress +29880,"I do not want to use a payday loan or inheritance lending because they take too much in interest. It’s not a huge amount of money but it will help me a lot of I’m smart with it. So, I don’t want to go to a predatory lender. Business is picking up for the holidays, I’ve taken a part time job, and will be ok if I could get a loan of $900 to take care of my car bills so that it doesn’t get repoed. I just don’t have any chunk of change to take care of either bill and register my car.",Normal +29881,"He won’t give her access to their bank accounts. He refused to let her learn to drive, told her she wasn’t capable, that she’d get into an accident and kill their daughters. He’s violent, and he tried to kill himself in front of her after abusing her and that’s when she left. He is lying and saying he’s gone to more therapy than he has (she asked his therapist if he was going, no he hasn’t been), and he still refuses to give her access to their bank accounts or give her money. My friend has no options.",Normal +29882,"I'm a 24 yr old female and I've never had a person I could call a friend in my life. There was a 2 and a half year period where I barely left the apartment. My first job was when I was 23. Its a warehouse job and it will have been a year since I started working there in a couple of weeks. Even though I've been there for that long I havent formed any relationship with anyone there because i always avoid getting too familiar with anyone, that's my default way of being and I hate it.",Stress +29883,"This made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, but I laughed it off and tried to go along with it, and trust him and take it as an innocent compliment. He asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with him, and I knew already from past experience that I tend to have very bad reactions to it. He told me that if I freak out then he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I was having a pretty good day, so I smoked some weed with him. It was actually okay being high.",Normal +29884,"Recently my anxiety has gotten really bad, possibly the worse it has ever been and I’ve been experiencing panic attacks, but I still can’t justify taking my medication because I feel like I deserve to suffer. I also struggle with the feeling like I’m making all this up and none of my problems exist which I know rationally cannot be true when I’ve struggled with this for most my life, however I still can’t shift it. I don’t know if this is part of my anxiety making me feel like this or whether it is another thing I’ve made myself believe. I guess I’m just looking for some advice and reassurance. I’m just really tired of feeling this way and constantly being in turmoil with my mind.",Stress +29885,"When we returned a year ago, we had some very rough boundary issues (trying to forward face in their car, feeding baby junk, criticizing our parenting choices, etc.) with them. MIL has ""anxiety and depression"" and cannot address the issues she causes so FIL addresses them for her. It's the worst case of coddling I've ever seen. She does not see a mental health professional (because narcissist) and blames everyone else for any wrong she may do, which of course she does no wrong.",Stress +29886,"It made me feel so... small. After I left, I felt angry, really fucking angry. I don't want to call the office and make a fuss, I want it behind me. I'm just angry that someone could really think that way. I'm angry.",Stress +29887,"I'm feel when I read about sth or learnt sth and I talk loud about that I feel I'm fake. I have this feeling that I try to impress someone or my knowledge is shallow and in fact I don't understand this or that well so actually I pretend and I always waiting for someone to laugh at me or correct me. In fact I feel like a shallow person with lack of knowledge \(even basic\) and I myself against me by judging I'm fake, it's not importan what I know or think and generally it's funny when I'm serious because I'm so kiddo what could I know what real life is and how can I know anything. because of that experience most of the time I am full of anxiety and barely leave my house. I was even too anxious to post online.",Stress +29888,"- You must own an iPhone or iPod touch (5th generation) in order to participate, and you can earn up to $35 for completing the study. - If you are eligible, you will be asked to download an iOS app called REPS. You will also complete several online surveys prior to and directly following use of the app. For more information please email us at This study is administered by UCSF's THRIVE Lab, which is based at UCSF. The principal investigator is Dr. Aoife O'Donovan and you can contact her at aoife. if you have any questions.",Normal +29889,"I started my seizure while on the stairs and as a result was pretty badly injured. I broke my ankle and injured my knee. I also required stitches in my face. Let me make this very clear- I recognize that this experience must have been **terrifying** for Tom. I understand how frightening and anxiety provoking, and even traumatizing this was for him.",Normal +29890,"So today was me and my ex's son's birthday, she left me about 3 months ago. We talked here and there but we'd get frustrated towards each other, anyways long story short. I wasn't doing much with her at the end of our relationship, I was just so tired of it all, I was depressed and at the time dealing with PTSD which I had no knowledge I had. I cut all contact with her two weeks ago, going through my mother for my son. Today we finally hung out together to shop for his birthday, we had fun, we laughed, we giggled, we just had an overall good time which we didn't for the longest of time even when together.",Normal +29891,"I had crippling anxiety and depression during my college years and finally managed to graduate within the allotted semesters after getting diagnosed and learning to cope . I'm about to go in for a set of interviews and wonder if i should be honest about why my grades dropped all of a sudden and got back to normal (fell into depression/anxiety cycle). Also, wondering if it is overall even advisable to talk about mental health issues to your boss AT ALL in a workplace. What was your personal experience? **TL;DR did you tell your boss about your mental health issues?",Stress +29892,I had a panic attack and broke down crying in front of my mom. She scheduled me an appointment for therapy and I just feel like bleh. I dont care about getting better right now. My whole body is in shock from that panic attack and I just feel like death. I honestly doubt I will get better,Stress +29893,"The ""me too"" movement I've found to be extremely inspirational and empowering. I am no longer ashamed of what happened to me, but I still don't feel like I'm healing. I was hoping that these flashbacks and the anxiety, fear and dread would go away over time, but they haven't. How do people cope? What do you read?",Stress +29894,"Without my meds I can be kinda unstable, few months back I stopped taking them and ended up breaking my hand because of it. I have no real education except high school diploma and I wasn't smart enough to finish community college as I'm useless with math and science and that's all I needed to finish for a general studies degree. All I seem to be doing is existing and that means I'm a burden on anyone who tries to help me and right now I'm dragging my partner down. I just need help figuring out what to do so I can stop being burdensome and be useful and have a purpose again. I don't really know what to do anymore, but this is all I have left to try.",Stress +29895,"I refuse to carry both of us anymore and I'm also tired of the drama between us as well. So, part of me hopes he doesn't pay the rent and that'll give me my push to really move on. Anyway, I'm ok with going to a shelter, but I worry about my laptop. I remember when I was living in a shelter when I was a kid, they didn't allow you to have certain items. I don't want to part with my laptop for them to keep it safe and it gets ""lost"".",Stress +29896,"It’s a long twisted story about how I found this out, but I was told by my parents that I had been assaulted by R when I was younger. My aunt, not R’s mom, had taken us to the pool and R had taken me to the bathroom to change. When we hadn’t come back in a few minutes she came to check on us and she found me naked with R fondling me and trying to insert his penis into my mouth. She stopped the assault but doesn’t know what happened prior to finding us. Remember I didn’t recall any of these events as a 36 year old.",Normal +29897,"Check out r/kratom for some info. I personally swear by it Edit: Seems like it has a bad reputation. From my (and others) experience: If you take it in moderation and get it from a REPUTABLE VENDOR, (some 'kratom' is not actually kratom. I heard some head shops tend to mix it with bad stuff) You will have no issues with it.",Normal +29898,"His new wife would get mad at me for asking for basic things. Pads, new clothes for school, new glasses, ect. My grandma was the one who had to buy me new clothes and stuff because they refused to. When I told them I wanted to do Academic Bowl & BPA at school they both laughed at me and said in a mocking tone that its for smart kids. I did it anyways and won many awards.",Normal +29899,Im not physically hurt. My father abd the driver carry on a conversation as if im not screaming. We get to the hospital and the checkup reveals nothing. Im embarrased for screaming. They send us home.,Normal +29900,"Hi Friends! In honor of the Challenged Athletes Foundation, my dad is undertaking a great bike ride for charity and would love your support. After completing the Tour du Rouge for the American Red Cross a few years ago, he is now teaming up with the Challenged Athletes Foundation (CAF) for the Million Dollar Challenge. As a loving father, I would love to support him and his endeavor through a 620-mile ride over 7 days in California. The CAF raises money to help people with physical challenges pursue an active lifestyle through physical fitness and athletics and this is one of their biggest events.",Normal +29901,"Hi there, I'm a 21 year old Scottish student studying contemporary art practice at an honours degree level. Is anyone interested in allowing me to use their words for use in my project for university? The consequences psychological abuse has for victims is an incredibly tricky but important subject to portray through art. I have made sure to research rather heavily on the subject of the affects of mental abuse, as well as having my own personal experience with it. I will make sure to represent it with respect for everyone that has went through something similar.",Normal +29902,"You may also learn some less widely known information about the high energy content of some of the things you consume, which can help you make decisions about your overall diet. In addition, you can also choose to receive a summary report of the research findings. To read more and complete the survey, please click on the link: Thank you! Roni Botterill",Normal +29903,"I made a mistake as a result of being shaken up. Now she has complained to my boss but has falsely amplified my one mistake into me being absolutely negligent and incompetent. I found out about this 8 hours ago, had another flashback/panic attack, and my heart is still pounding. I've convinced myself I'm going to get fired. I know I need to go back to counseling.",Stress +29904,"One night I was staying up late with my uncle watching movies (this was not odd, we would watch Disney movies all night together during the summer. Like I said, he was my favorite). All of the sudden he decided to propose something to me. I was six. I had no idea what any of this meant.",Normal +29905,"Because I have! And it literally makes me feel 10k x crazier than I already feel as it is. She left me alone, meds unfilled, and then told all her colleagues I was trying to scam ADHD medication off of her, so now none of them want to take my case either. Backstory, I’ve been seeing this doctor for 3 years almost now and at first I let her know my commitment issues with mental health, and having people just leave me stranded or pass me to new doctors every week and it made me bail the first few times I’ve tried to get my brain right. So we have appointments every 3-6 ish months depending on medication change.",Stress +29906,He loves them and treats them like gold. I love the type of father he is but I hate the way he treats me. I have no one to open up to or go to if I even tried to leave him. I’m tired of him abusing me mentally and physically me. He has cheated on me several times and each time it knocks my self esteem Lower and lower.,Stress +29907,This month and last have been very touch and go. I have sold everything under the sun to keep my home but I am probably not going to make it. It's to the point I have sat and weighed the pros and cons of suicide (please don't talk about this subject.) But I've used up every single resource and realized I don't really know many people in the city I'm in. I don't have much of family any where close and none I could live with.,Stress +29908,"They’re like flashbacks and everything I hated that he did , I want this new person to do to me to the point where I break down again. What the fuck is wrong with me please. These are violent degrading fantasies and they make me feel like a really disturbed person. The thought after an orgasm literally makes me cry. Someone out there has to know what I’m talking about please.",Stress +29909,#NAME?,Normal +29910,"I was getting changed into a pair of shorts and was standing. When I lifted one leg to put on the shorts, I was very shaky and it was uncontrollable. Even just when I stand, my legs shake. What is going on?! I'm scared out of my mind because no one else on the internet seems to have this exact issue so I have no idea where to look.",Stress +29911,"It seems like you only ever see people try to complicate mental health, so I woke up this morning and decided that I could try to take one step to start simplifying it/making it more human/honest. Don't hesitate to reach out and message me if you think any of this speaks to you. Feel free to share this guide/brain regimen to somebody you think may benefit from it. It's time to stop talking about ending the mental health stigma and actually start talking about these things more like it's a dentist visit.",Normal +29912,"Dealing with ptsd from rape, and recently found out that someone who I thought was a friend sexually assaulted one of our friends at a party we were at. I get flashbacks of waking up whenever we were at parties together and I've seen him awake once or twice and even though the likelyhood is very low (given the background of what he did), I can't shake the feeling that he mightve done something to me. What he did to her is giving me feelings like what happened to her was actually me. My doctor suggested womens group therapy, but I wanted some opinions first. Any thoughts will help",Stress +29913,I thought I did well but I was severely depressed. That weekend was my birthday weekend and he made it miserable. He said I was a brat to ever think that it was a special day. I received the silent treatment from him and him being drunk and telling me that i'm worthless and don't do anything for him. I didn't even get a gift or affection.,Stress +29914,"I just couldn't cope, the abuse I already remembered was bad enough but this...this was just too much for me to deal with. 2 weeks ago I couldn't take it anymore and took a large overdose, which ended up with me being in hospital...I now have done a little damage to my heart and shall have to live with that...I should probably point out that I am under 7st and have had an eating disorder since I was 7...it was the only thing I could control...you see I had no safe place, I'd leave my abusive home and go to school...where I was the only ginger child...sure I don't need to point out how hard that was. This is going to stop quite abruptly now, for I don't really know what else to say right now.. Each and everyday is a constant struggle and I am tired of drs telling me to be strong and just get on with life...I am 26years old for 20years I have had to be strong and ""survive"" well I'm tired of surviving...that doesn't mean I want to die but I do want it all to stop, I want to to be happy and trust people, to realise what love is, I mean I have an amazing partner who loves me dearly but I question him every damn day...you see he doesn't hurt me and love...well as my Dad taught me...love is to hurt and lie....but that isn't love at all is it? !",Stress +29915,"What can I do to make this more manageable for the reader and helpful for him to actually want to hire me? Thanks! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dear [Store Manager 3], This is [Synchro_Shoukan], I came in yesterday and spoke to you about transferring from [Store Number] to your store.",Normal +29916,"My freelance worked has finally shown some fruits as I have booked 2 events for this month, a birthday and a wedding. I also just got hired to be a regular lead photographer at an events company and I start this Saturday. Now my dilemma is this, I am currently financially struggling and would need a help to finally have some stability. I am looking for anyone who can LEND me money. I'm looking to borrow since I will be capable of paying back.",Normal +29917,"Kate's father was just an angel all day long. We were planning to finally start sleeping at the house again. Evening comes, we all go home, and he puts on some crime drama marathon. It's a little too loud, so Kate asks him if he minds turning it down. He does so...for about five minutes, until she's out of the room again, and then he turns it up louder than it was previously.",Normal +29918,"Hi, I am legally blind. I was homeless from 2007 to 2013 and traveled around the country. That's why I chose the screen name that I did. In 2013 I was able to rent a room in Boston, MA. I lived there from 2013 to about a week ago.",Normal +29919," I am limited and would like dire guidance on how to begin my journey, I want to enjoy myself and life without being restricted and abused any longer by my father. Thank you for taking your time to read this! P.S, I have a therapy cat that has helped me stay strong through out these passing years. I would like for him to be involved with my journey as well. It's been difficult finding youth centers that accept pets.",Normal +29920,"I don't care about compensations but I cant hold a job for health care so I go to the VA. Like, ""we are here to make sure the military is not blamed for what ever is wrong with you"" kind of thing in my opinion. Anyways, I felt I should share some of the basic symptoms I have struggled with and the only treatment I have found that really worked is smoking indica strain cannibis at night when the child is asleep and having some relaxing time with my pets. Here are my symptoms: Panic attacks severe avoidance",Normal +29921,"I'm scared I'm going to slip the next time I get in the car or on my motorcycle and just plow into something at full speed just because it'd be so easy and it might end all the pain. But then I don't want to do that, because I have a safe car, and I wear full safety gear when I ride, so those are both maybes. I don't have a gun. I find my thoughts straying from just using one if I had one to thinking of places I could buy one from. Does Walmart sell them in California?",Stress +29922,"Though I have been staying with family, their households are getting packed with other members and issues and so they have no room for me. I do not have many friends, and the ones I do cannot help whatsoever. So, I am on my own. I have a wonderful as a baker that I don't want to lose or give up. What can I do in my situation right now so that I am able to keep a roof over my head and still keep my job because I know that if I am just able to keep shelter while continuing to work this job, I will be able to provide decent housing and expenses for myself and never burden anyone with my problems ever again.",Stress +29923,"But I see him during classes and it might be extremely weird. And I don't want to go to the counselling room and knock on the door, what if they're having a session? And I'm probably gonna just nervously laugh while walking in. Talking to my teachers about it is a no no. I can't go to a therapist directly due to my parents lack of understanding and ignorance of mental illnesses.",Stress +29924,Its hard to find doctors that take cash within my budget of 100 dollars. I have a Master of Publicn Administration but I have not been able to get a job in that. I meet my therapist Tuesday who works for the same office. I hope I can keep seeing him.but has not returned my calls for a few days. I went to the office today and he sent me an email saying we are on for Tuesday but the email wasnt very compassionate after the messages I left him.,Normal +29925,"I'm 20 years old and suffer with PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and Insomnia. But my biggest struggle is my PTSD. When I was 17 i was stabbed in my neck, while i was asleep, by my brother. I remember everything so vividly. But i don't really want to get into all that right now.",Stress +29926,"And in the 10 years since my emancipation, I've only watched my cognitive state decline. I've been agoraphobic for 3 years now. 3 years ago I moved into the shelter system after a domestic dispute triggered my agoraphobia again. I felt like I was under constant threat, and that I wasn't safe anymore. So I moved.",Stress +29927,"Also, stemming from the same background, I am still a virgin (he obviously is not) and I’m not quire sure how I feel about engaging in sexual intercourse with him. Whenever we “talk” about sex, I feel like I’m lying about how I feel. It’s more of an interest in learning the different aspects of sex than actual sexual arousal (I’ve been questioning the possibility of asexuality). If anything, I feel kind of giddy that someone thinks of me in that way but not in the “I want to have sex with you” way. I’m trying to engage him with pictures/videos/etc., but it feels all fake to me.",Normal +29928,"I have been either an emt or a paramedic for the past 9 years. I have been a part of way more than I wanted to be, I cant help but see all the god damned faces. I cannot work because I tried to protect my girlfriend and property from a threat, ended up being someone shooting off fireworks... i have been shot at enough and held it in. I just cant. im tired, I want to give up.",Stress +29929,"Having expected that, I told myself at the time that it doesn't bother me much and I'll go back to handling it all by myself as I've been doing for years, but it's been nagging at me for most of the day now. I keep doubting whether I really am wallowing in it. My trauma occured five years ago, and it doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as it used to (thanks to some tricks I learned on here and through my own research), and I believe I've been handling it all okay. I do my level best not to dwell on it, I've accepted it's in the past and will never happen again...except that doesn't stop the flashbacks and nightmares. I wasn't directly involved in my traumatic events, I only saw and heard them.",Stress +29930,"I haven't ever been triggered by my grandma(until now) and even though it made me upset I had a ""well, it could be worse"" mentality. So yesterday my grandma got mad. Really mad. She started screaming at me, calling me names, and then threw a book at me. This triggered the trauma from my mom.",Stress +29931,"Hello All, I'm 27yrs old male, 100kg 194cm. For one year and half maybe I'm suffering from: **Chronic daily headache (dull behind left eye, pressure like)** * When try to think or remember something it seems to getting worse",Stress +29932,"Should I chill out and let her contact me? --- **tl;dr**: The level of communication outside of face-to-face interaction is making it difficult to maintain attraction and to set up plans with the woman I am dating, and it has become worse the last couple weeks despite our in-person interactions being consistently great. Am I being too anxious/not understanding enough or is she a bad communicator? How do I bring this up with her?",Stress +29933,"The problem is one of these guy friends. I'm typically pretty shy in new social settings and don't really like to make be at the focus of anyone's attention unless I'm comfortable with them. When I first met these guys, it was like 2 polar opposites met. I'm fairly quiet, reserved, respectful and I like to think I'm a smart person. These friends, this one friend in particular, are loud, boorish and really rude.",Normal +29934,I'm trying to fill out the Claim of Exemption that came with the Notice of Levy packet that arrived yesterday. I'm extremely uncomfortable with this as so much is on the line. Google is useless. The best I've found are instructions stating to fill out the documents (duh!). Can anyone walk me through this?,Stress +29935,"I got as far as Illinois when he ghosted me after urging me to leave in the first place. I've been going between three different friends who know I'm homeless but think I'm 19. I want to go to school, get a job to buy my own stuff, and get on with my life. I don't think my mom is looking for me, but I still need her signature to go to school. I don't want my new friends to get arrested for harboring a runaway youth as well.",Stress +29936,"Are you fucking kidding me? YOU are not comfortable writing something to help me? YOU'RE uncomfortable writing a note and helping someone with a mental illness? Someone who has been trying everything fucking possible to live a normal life, someone who is seeking as much support as possible and only went to the idea of financial support as an absolute last resort? WHAT.",Stress +29937,"But what do I know? I keep reassuring myself that this is normal, and never tell anyone about this - I'm surprising one of the top students at a selective high school, but I really want this to end. I'm good at hiding things like this, because I don't want others feeling pity for me for things they didn't cause or can change. --- **tl;dr**: Older brother psychologically and physically abuses me and my younger brother.",Stress +29938,"In exchange for your participation, you may optionally choose to be entered into a drawing for a $50 Amazon gift card. Eligibility requirements for participants include: Must be at least 18 years of age or older. Must have been diagnosed with one of the following at any point in your life: Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder (I or II), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia, or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Must not have been diagnosed with an Intellectual Disability.",Normal +29939,TW: physical abuse? My dad was screaming at me today and I started crying out of fear. Of course in my household crying is not allowed. Hence he physically hit me and tried to cover my mouth which led to me hitting him back out of defense. My gums ended up bleeding and I don't think anyone else was concerned about how I was feeling — they thought I was just overreacting and stuff.,Stress +29940,"**As some of you may have experienced; a potential symptom of anxiety is Depersonalisation/Derealisation; a sensation of losing control that has generated the greatest terror I have ever experienced. All of the notions I mention here are applicable to X anxiety but I use DPDR as the focus of my anxiety and the insights/reflections I have come to. ** I have had OCD, a fear of uncertainty, a desire for control and ""normality""/constancy since around 12 years old. A.K.A: Anxiety.",Normal +29941,But part of me fears that coming back out there I'll find a suicide. He's talked about it a lot and has plenty of guns. I had to take his Kimber .45 Raptor and Kimber .380 yesterday so I didn't have to worry about him shooting the dog. But they were just left o the counter cause I'm no thief. I just... Don't know what to do y'all....,Stress +29942,"I can hardly step into his room because that is where it is most concentrated. I love keeping a clean and nice smelling apartment. I don't mind doing extra cleaning and buying extra air fresheners to keep it that way. However, Matt's BO literally follows him around and lingers where ever he goes. This has cause our ENTIRE apartment to smell of testosterone and mildew in a matter of days and it's only getting worse.",Normal +29943,"I usually ""vocalize"" with rocking then I end up pretty catatonic for a while then mute for another couple hours. I'm stuck in the mute part right now. Too scared to leave my bed, can't talk, and hoping it ends soon. Anyone else wail then go mute? Have you found anything that helps get your voice back?",Stress +29944,We would be grateful for any help that would help us guarantee we are able to take care of them. Any help would be a blessing. ​ \- Pictures of Ben and his brother Sam,Normal +29945,"The messages are essentially the guy being flirtatious and asking her to come over to his place. My gf’s responses are not flirtatious but definitely welcoming. She responded to his offer by saying “how about we meet halfway and grab some lunch together some time”. She never told me that she was even still in contact with this guy. And their relationship was explicitly sexual, not friendly.",Stress +29946,"I'm doing an article for a Mental Health Blog and I really want to write about people's stories on the importance on opening up/going to seek help from a professional. I would love to hear your experiences, why you went/started opening up, what you have learned, and how it has impacted your life! Of course everything you write will be anonymous on my post (I can even give you a pseudo name if you would like, just let me know)! Feel free to comment down below or message me if you want to be more private, thanks! :)",Normal +29947,"He backed me into a corner in the kitchen and kept hitting me. When I fell he stomped on my face and also choked me. I was trying to hit back but he's much bigger than me. When he starting choking me, I bit the holy hell out of his arm to get him off. He surprisingly did, after yelling about how it hurt, then went to finish packing.",Stress +29948,"Not actually losing my home at the moment, so so far not in danger of homelessness, but I figured this was the next closest place to ""Tips for Poor as Fuck People"". We're losing cable tomorrow or the next day unless we come up with money we don't have. Losing the internet is brutal, but losing phone service is going to be the real problem. I'm in the middle of a series of surgeries over the course of a year with the final one being a month out. In really shitty medical condition...and now I am going to be cut off from getting messages from any of my doctors, surgeon, or infusion clinic.",Stress +29949,"Has anyone else tried exercising regularly to help with anxiety? It’s been quite a while since I exercised regularly, haven’t really done it since my anxiety started. I’ve been riding my bike every day for the last week or so and have noticed that it’s helped quite a bit. Haven’t had any panic attacks. Some very mild anxiety yesterday that passed within an hour or so, but that’s been about it.",Normal +29950,3. Not wanting it to happen So.... Just drunk? ... Or dissociation? Is there a way to tell?,Normal +29951,"I feel like I have the worst luck with everything, but maybe that's just bias. I feel like life has dealt me a short hand and I feel so guilty saying this because there are people out there with lives far worse than mine. Walking is painful, talking is painful, I don't know what to do. I just want everything to end. I just want to rest and not have to struggle.",Stress +29952,"I can recall one situation where I was accused of taking her credit card (I was 6 years old and before we had computers), the one she left in store, so decided to ransack my bedroom, destroying most of the gifts I got the Christmas. This resulted in being given a crumpled, unapologetic five-pound note. No sorry, nothing said, just the silence and dark stair. From a young age I was subjected to social seclusion, I was not allowed to hang out with any of the local kids in my town. Apparently, they were all ‘bad’ children and believed I would be influenced by them resulting in becoming, well I am not to sure what she expected.",Stress +29953,"This is my first post on reddit and I am seeking any advice I can get. Current Situation-I am a 22 year old veteran, living under the good graces of my girlfriend. I have 2 part time jobs. One as a server and another as an Army Reserve soldier (both of which I have just started after being unemployed for almost 3 months.) I have almost $15k worth of credit card and vehicle debt to my name and absolutely nothing in savings.",Stress +29954,"I never personally did anything beyond a ""show me yours and I'll show you mine"" type of thing where another kid and I would see how we ""measured up"", but it felt like those experiences had heavily sexual undertones for me - I don't know if that was me figuring things out or if my mind went there from what happened to me cousin. When I was about 13 I remember thinking to myself that it was crazy that so many of my peers knew what they wanted - I was just really, really confused. I said to myself ""I don't know what I like or which team I go, and I bet that's because of what happened between me and my cousin. I'll figure it out when I'm older"" and that was it. I did what a lot of other kids my age were doing - I hopped online and watched lots of porn.",Normal +29955,"I would comfort her as much as I was able, and once when I was home on break, I even confronted my brother about his behavior. I tried to be empathetic and not accusatory, and have a conversation about his feelings and encourage self-reflection. I talked about how I suffered from depression in graduate school and compared my symptoms of increased irritability and desire to stay at home with his current behavior. He seemed receptive to the conversation instead of becoming defensive as he usually does, and ultimately I suggested he try counseling, as that helped me. He never pursued it, though.",Normal +29956,"During a night he came barged into me and my mom's room and started hitting her. I was so confuse and in tears I didn't know what to do, but cry. I didn't get much sleep that night. The abuse continue on for 4 years. There was peaceful time I thought the abuse stopped.",Stress +29957," *Disclaimer: This Discord is not at all affiliated with this subreddit and is not moderated by anyone from the moderating team here. * Hi all! I run a general mental health peer support chatroom on Discord for people 18\+. At over 2600 members, we still maintain a close community\-oriented atmosphere with rules in place and moderators present at all times.",Normal +29958,"First it was chest pain and heart palpitations. Then left arm pain and shoulder pain for awhile. Then back pain and tension headaches now it's a little mix of everything, I get breaks in between where it feels fine but then it comes back and my mind now after it being relentless for 2 days is think is this Really anxiety? I mean cmon this is relentless even at time when I'm not anxious. Sorry for the rant just getting sick and tired of constant suffering where I don't even know what's round the corner next...",Stress +29959,It was all so wrong of me. It started happening when we went to my father's bday weekend and a family member groped me and I remembered that he also did stuff like that. A lot of em did. My partner was sad and fell asleep after I told them. I couldn't sleep.,Stress +29960,"But this time if she ordered me a shot, I gave it away. I'm one of the only friends left who will go out to eat or drink with her, and I don't want to do it anymore. I feel I am enabling her diseases and I feel extremely guilty. She is worrisomely thin, and I don't think she'll live another 5 years. I honestly think the only calories she retains are from alcohol.",Stress +29961,I am able to pay back plus interest within a short time frame. If anyone can help me I would seriously appreciate it. I'm extremely stressed out a helping hand would be so amazing. I tried to keep this as short as possible. If you are still reading this thank you for your time.,Stress +29962,"for at least a month i was waking up from 4 hours of sleep to panic attacks. the only thing that calmed it was over the counter sleeping pills.I noticed it help my hypervigilence, i was no longer jumping and getting adrenaline rushes from every little sound. but i forget to take the sleeping pills from time to time like tonight. I slept 2 hours then woke up, no anxiety or panic attacks this time but unable to fall asleep and with much on my mind. I don't want this to affect my work but it has been.",Stress +29963,"The reason being is just to protect you awesome folks. I know most of the people who request monies are truly in need but there are always a few who take advantage of the generosity of others. So please, let’s just stick to food and hygiene items only, guys. Again, those who help out here are some of the kindest, most generous Redditors there are. Glinda~",Normal +29964,"*Alt account cuz I don't want to be recognized for my embarrassment* Anyway, I just asked a girl out via text and am awaiting her response. I believe that she is probably sleeping since she usually goes to bed early so I most likely won't hear from her until tomorrow. But the wait is eating me up inside. I figured that I'd go for it cuz why not, ya know?",Normal +29965,"(He knows where we live and go to school) My moms in a ton of debt because of my dad. Right now both of them have a job but if my dad is no longer working, it's gonna be a lot harder to pay it off. I also go to a private school which costs a lot. How do we deal with this?",Stress +29966,Not sure why but I’m really off today. I can’t stop feeling like a screw up even though I’ve really done nothing wrong today. I feel like it might have been triggered by seeing an old family friend who asked how my abuser was or because I am having an injury flare up after doing really well. I just feel useless and unlovable. I have convinced myself even my husband doesn’t like me.,Stress +29967,"It wasn't a trap (like, wth?) and I just couldn't hide my emotions effectively. I know he has a lot on his mind lately and he's very anxious, but so do I, and I also feel it's unfair to him to use me as his emotional punching bag. I love the guy, but lately I've been thinking almost on daily basis whether to put an end to the relationship. I'm exhausted by his continuous lashing out and bullshit.",Stress +29968,"I have several issues with anxiety, but urban driving is one of the worst. So of course, my wife drags me along to new york city and expects me to do the driving. Currently emotionally and physically exhausted. One of the worst things, one that i will cause me lose sleep at night is: im anxious because im unsure if paid a toll while traveling in a tunnel from JFK to jersey city. My rental has an easy pass, but it was dark, i was confused.",Stress +29969,"How do I decide? I clicked with one guy, but he does talk therapy, doesn't really have a specific method like EMDR or CBT. There are many who use specific methods, and most didn't click, or had approaches I feel iffy about. Ultimately I think I just have to accept that no therapist will make this problem of living with CPTSD go away, and this is something I'll have to learn to live with. What tips do you have for picking therapists, or about therapy in general?",Normal +29970,"We’ve been together for two and half years but went through a rough patch not too long ago because I shipped off to basic. But now that I’m back we were good but now her depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies are pushing me away. I’m trying my best to support her but it’s so hard because I’m just her boyfriend? Not her shrink or doctor. Idk what to do anymore because I try my best to help her but she doesn’t really care anymore.",Stress +29971,"bah. Anyway, couple months down the line, I met her family, loved them, they loved me (they're first impression of me was, get this, me clogging they're toileting and it overflowing with me yelling SOS through the bathroom door.. it was awesome lol). L and I continued to grow even closer as my now senior year progressed (her junior). Then March happened. L started to act wierd.",Normal +29972,"I receive SSI/SSDI. About $1,000/mo. I have a gym membership at 24 Hour Fitness for taking showers whenever I want. I have a membership at REI for buying camping gear and clothes suited to the outdoors. I live pretty comfortably, all things considered, and have figured out a system of outdoor living that both keeps me alive and sane.",Normal +29973,"Hi everyone my name is Lily, I'm 19, I live in CA and I really need help with rent. I've tried to do everything I can but I can't get any help, so reddit i'm looking to you to help me out over here. I need 200 hundred dollars by the end of \*next week ( unless I get another dog sitting offer which then of course I will let you guys know ). Due to so major life issues ( father dying at age 14, grandmother dying a month later, getting chronically sick around that time, PTSD ) I'm having trouble getting my GED which is making it harder for me to get a job but I am trying.",Stress +29974,I am a stay at home mother of 3. My oldest is my husband's as his mum gsve up on him 5 years ago. My youngest was born with a congenital condition and my middle has ASD. I live to look after them and they are what keep me grounded. Just for some reason recently I have been struggling more and more to just suck it up and carry on.,Stress +29975,Thank you! EDIT: Thank you to /u/dan_coyle .... He purchased my entire Amazon wishlist. I can't even express how thankful I am to know that I will be ready with a few staples for the cooler weather. Thank you also to everyone who made very useful suggestions for low-cost places to shop for clothing in the future.,Normal +29976,"I’ve been trying not to get triggered or stamping on the instincts to just leave the place and be silent. Even with that, I couldn’t even really keep a hold and have had hard days where I just wanted to stay isolated from the world and disappear in my mind and try to heal myself and it isn’t working. I struggle to sleep sometimes and I do struggle with self worth, being comfortable with myself because I just don’t see myself as someone who’s important to other ppl. I'm really unsure how to deal with it. Also, I'm not sure if I should tell anyone because that couldn't have happened right and it could not have been that bad?",Stress +29977,"I just posted my whole story but it's literally too long for anyone to actually read. I mainly want to know if this would be considered rape: MOST RECENT ABUSE: I worked 7 days in a row and finally had one night off on a Friday. I expressed I wanted to spend it with him, but since I went out the night before he was determined to go out with his friends that night. I guess that also comes with ignoring me all night.",Stress +29978,"She claims that because she is a woman, nobody will believe me. I'm not exactly sure what she did to herself, but when the police came she claimed that I hit her and had a flushed cheek to show for it. Fortunately, the police were able to put together what actually happened based on my blood trail. Thank God I was sitting when she hit me and that the blood all around me proved it otherwise I would be in jail for something I didn't do. Things have been escalating for a while and this is the second time she has been arrested in the past 3 months for assault.",Normal +29979,"I don't trust anyone, especially myself. I am going fucking crazy. I feel there's really only 3 conclusions to my life currently. The psych ward, which after being involuntarily admitted in January and paying close to $11K for that 4 day stint where no one gave a shit about me or even attempted to ask me more than 3 questions about my mental health a day, isn't an option. Plus I can't take off work indefinitely because I'm a basket sake.",Stress +29980,"I feel like these experiences have totally altered my psyche and now i find gratification through exploitation. I even had the painful realization that ive never had any normal sexual relationship and these abuses are all i know. I broke down the other night just crying realizing that i dont get to be normal, and that i have sick urges. I heard that theres high rates of abused people become abusers too, and i hate that im part of the issue. Tl;Dr: I was abused and now i abuse, what can i do to cope?",Stress +29981,"(I haven’t had to go in and get him for any reason since he started!) On top of all that, I now have a boyfriend who is a real partner in life things. He helps out with childcare when he can, he splits household chores, and we split some bills. I’ve never had this kind of support before and it feels amazing, if not a little strange since it’s a new experience for me. My marriage was certainly not a partnership like this.",Normal +29982,The thoughts that have been pouring into my head theses past few days are terrifying. I wonder what driving my car off the side of the freeway would feel like. The relief that would come at the end. I feel so hopeless & I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish I had a gaping wound so I could go into the hospital and they could fix me.,Stress +29983,"Has anyone else had this sensation? Also, if I close my mouth so my teeth are close together, I can tell that they are constantly chattering. I've definitely been much more anxious than usual lately as I work full-time at an emotionally challenging job and just decided to go back to school to pursue a Master's degree via night classes, but this shaky sensation has been a little alarming as I can't tell if it is anxiety related or something worse (which certainly contributes to the anxiety!!). If anyone has any suggestions or words of wisdom, I would be so appreciative. Thanks in advance!",Stress +29984,"In Nashville, it's going to be below 30 tonight (possibly snow tomorrow). So far it seems my sleeping bag is doing it's job, but my laptop was uber cold. Also gave me some screen errors (I think it may be humidity build up related, because later in the day it worked fine). Right now it's in a laptop case. But that didn't help much.",Normal +29985,"Stop! "", not being aware of what happens around her anymore. Apparently she also dissociates during this time and she doesn't remember anything afterwards. It breaks my heart to see this but it also kind of scares me. It's difficult to watch.",Stress +29986,"I'd wake up in the middle of the night to him feeling my ass and masturbating. I was scared, and didn't know what to do so I just pretended not to notice. I can't even remember how long this must have went on, but soon enough I had decided to put my pillow on the other side of the mattress, because he'd touch me when I sleep on my side. I thought putting my pillow on the other side of the bed will help because as I fall asleep and turn on my left side my back will be towards the wall, and he won't be able to reach. I even remember him asking me the next day why I'd decided to move my pillow to the other side of the mattress.",Stress +29987,"I was in my front yard talking to him on the phone, when I refused to hang-up she had a temper tantrum and screamed loudly enough for the people outside to hear her say I ""got online and talked to little boys."" Her father refuses to do anything about her or the other daughter or treats me just as bad. I try to stand up for myself, I mean I am their uncle after all, but they just yell, scream and call me names anyway. After about 6 years of this happening I've become a virtual prisoner in my own house. I stay in my bedroom all day, on the computer, making things to sell or doing art.",Stress +29988,"And I’m at a complete loss as to how we resolve this. (BTW, we have talked about all of this about 1,957 times already. There is nothing written here he hasn’t heard before.) TL;DR – Husband has always been the primary earner with well-paying jobs, but has experienced serious burn-out. As we’re eating into our savings, it looks like I’ll have to put my business on hold and go back to work.",Stress +29989,"She talked sarcastically about how my life is ""obviously so horrible"" and I'd say ""yeah, mom, it is."" She denied yelling at us all the time, and said that if I can say she yells all the time then she can say I yell all the time too (at my little siblings), which is just not true. I am nice to my siblings, excluding today where I was angry at everything. But I still didn't yell at them. She said that for months I've been terrorizing her about this ""yelling thing"" and how I think that one small mistake automatically means someone is a bad person.",Normal +29990,"[Facebook [Criss Please help and share the word. Most importantly, SPREAD AWARENESS. **Edit** available are regular Hanes shirts, women's fit shirts, and sweatshirts",Normal +29991,"I even tried to settle this outside of their insurance so that their insurance rates wouldn't go up. I feel afraid every time it becomes nighttime and when I have to go to school, because I know there is a chance I may see him again. I don't know how to stop thinking about what happened that night, what I could have done differently, or what would have happened if someone had come to save me. It's hard to tell my family I've begun to think about killing myself again. I've struggled with depression for years and this incident has only made it so much worse.",Stress +29992,"Not being able to let go of the fact that I let this go on for so long, and even the fact that in my heart I still care and want him. In my mind I think ""if only"" or ""what if"" but I know those are facades. I know he will never be real, open or honest about who he is or what he did. I have to forgive myself for letting this take over my life, my heart, my emotions. I have to forgive myself for not listening to my gut and my intuition.",Stress +29993,Good day. I am from the Philippines and I was recently diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety almost a month ago (July 10th). Since then it has been a very challenging and difficult time for me and my family. Work required me to secure a fit to work order before I can get back to work. My medical insurance does not cover mental health conditions and it took me over 3 weeks to secure one.,Stress +29994,"I have 2 wish lists because Amazon is expensive on items, so I created a Wal-Mart (zip code 40219) wishlist too. I also have a PayPal account. The meats are cheaper at save a lot because save a lot has pick5 for $20. Hi Friends and Family! ",Normal +29995,"Sorry if this is kinda long... We met in highschool and became best friends. Even after we still talked everyday, hang out almost every weekend and I felt everything was okay. She then started getting kinda distant e cold toward me and I had no idea why. I talked to friend in commom and she said my this friend(I'll call her P.) felt that I was too negative and was always complaining.",Normal +29996,"Participation is completely voluntary. If you are interested in participating, you will complete an online screener to see if you qualify to participate. If you qualify, you will complete a variety of questionnaires online. The study will involve four online assessments over the next month that should take about 40-50min to complete and you will be compensated up to $70 in online gift cards to Amazon. A few important things to know about the study are:",Normal +29997,"Our justice system is not aimed at helping victims. I feel totally violated, put down, and blamed for requesting an extension on an order of protection. Which was denied because he is living in another state. Even though, he was unable to show, as he’s out on bond for assaulting a new woman. Judge told me, if he harasses you and violates you again, then you can go back through the process to get an order.",Stress +29998,"I get it; my one friend has personal reasons for being against medication, the other one has a bad personal experience, and my boyfriend had a small midwestern town upbringing that allowed no room for mental weakness so he has a hard time understanding. I guess I just...I don’t know. I felt empowered to do this going into the appointment and even during it. I felt like people were on board with me seeking treatment if that’s what I felt was right. And now that it’s a reality..it just seems like people have turned their backs and no longer are okay with it.",Stress +29999,"They taunt me and remind me of my weakness. They remind me of my failures, and they are loud. Louder than anything. And there's so many of them. Swirling and swirling and telling me what an awful fucking person I am.",Stress +30000,"I can't take much more. I hate being unworthy of the truth and feeling like I'm crazy for thinking this. This feels like my entire life, with everyone I've ever expected to love and care for me. I'm fucking over it. TL;DR I know my boyfriend is probably on drugs, or at least was actively using for some period of time recently, and you will probably agree with me if you read the evidence.",Stress +30001,"(TW sexual abuse mentions) When I was 14 I was sexually abused regularly for 8 months, resulting in PTSD, and recently I realised that afterwards I completely changed how I looked. I went from being this pretty normal looking student, short cropped hair, I would wear normal casual clothing on weekends, I was healthy, all that, now, over three years later I look completely different, I'm stick thin, hair grown out past my shoulders, I only wear black and almost always clothes that cover as much of me as possible, heavy scarring covering the majority of my body, and messy facial hair growing in. I feel like I've completely altered myself so nobody is tempted to hurt me again, like I'm blaming how I looked for what happened, so completely changing it seemed like the most sensible thing. I've never heard of anyone else doing this before though, is this normal?",Stress +30002,"Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life.",Normal +30003,"At the end of the survey, please select “” when prompted for the name of the student who gave you this survey. If you know anyone else who might be interested in taking this survey, we ask that you please pass it on to them as well. Thank you for your time. **To anyone who has already taken the survey:**",Normal +30004,"It takes them **three weeks** to call me. I'm currently working 7.30am to 6pm with a 30 minute lunch that is not at a set time. We spend about 2 weeks playing voicemail tag but never getting to speak. - I get a call from my GPs office, stating that the o2 place reported I had said I didn't want the machine because it was too expensive. I told my GP that I hadn't even gotten prices out of them yet!",Normal +30005,"Maybe programming, I can spend more than 12 hours a day if needed to learn programming. My point is, I´m not looking for any handouts or anything like that, I´m ready to spend countless of hours to work so I can help my family. What are your thoughts? TL, DR: Father passed away, my mother can´t pay the rent and bills etc. Now I ask for advice for jobs and ways to increase my income so I can help my mother pay the rents",Normal +30006,"I can't even use the restroom because then I think about how if I were in the restroom when a shooter entered, the shooter could easily get me and the classrooms would be locked and I'd be locked out. I was late for one of my classes because I was afraid to leave my classroom. Does anyone else feel the same way? It's like I can't function normally anymore, school is such a scary place to be all of a sudden when it used to be a place I felt safe and comfortable, even though we had an open campus. Ugh.",Stress +30007,"I'm now 18 Years old,from Germany and going to school right now, planning on study psyochologie. The only thing that seems to slow me down right now is chronic panicattack-like illness that seems to destroy everything I've build up for myself. It is a constant strain of thought that I fear the most that developed from the time I was six. Eversince I was six years old I started having weird forced habits like touching certian things for x amount of times or making weird noises. The older I got, the less I had these forced habits and the more I had something like a second ""voice"" in my head that was thinking of something entirely else and actually disturbing that I couldn't control.",Stress +30008,"One of them was “Catchphrase”. Similar to Taboo, but you pass around a device, and have to get your team to guess the word/phrase before the timer runs out. Of course, it has to make a countdown noise/beeping which makes me even more anxious. My partner has gotten quite good at gauging where I am on a scale of 1-10. He noticed that I was getting more tense as it was passed around the circle, headed towards me.",Normal +30009,"But I’m pissed, I waited to long for this like I honestly could have killed myself before they got back to me. I know there’s a lot of people in the system and their funding is low, but this is bullshit! The government doesn’t give a shit about mentally ill people. If they did then there honestly would be way less crime rates and suicide rate because people would be getting the help that they need instead of waiting for some bad shit to happen before they get help. The urgency is just NOT there at all.",Stress +30010,"He certainly had/has the ability to. The worst/best part of this story is that I am still with this prick, trying to get away safely. Best part is that my story may be horrifying enough to convince women in an early stage DV situation to run before it escalates to my story. After the 2nd severe incident, I called family who took me to the ER. Had lots of tests done.",Stress +30011,"They can’t all be wrong or insane, can they? Abusers spend so long abusing and being nice and abusing and being nice that you start to think that you play a role in the abuse and the only reason he/she is nice to you again is because of some demand you met. And your will to live/be safe/feel secure will override any trauma you have been through. You will do anything to make them nice again, because that means you get to be safe/secure. It's not contingent upon you, but on them, but you forget this.",Normal +30012,You’re losing control Juststopthinking— —You’re panicking Stop —Panicking,Stress +30013,"No Idea why I am here, guess I just need to vent. Well my troubles started last weekend, my parents flew over from Malta to visit my brother whose in hospital. He is in bad shape and initially he lost the use of his legs few years ago and now his paralysis is rising up to his waste. So am I headed of to the hospital and stayed up north for the weekend. I told my gf that she could stay at home rather than spend her time at the hospital with me.",Stress +30014,"I was having a fucking panic attack.Once we payed and where done, we went into the thrift store to tell my mom we where done. I finally told i was having a panic attack because he threatened to smack the crap out of me. ""he threatened you?"" i could tell by my tone she doesn't believe me. ""we're probably not coming here anymore"" she said.",Stress +30015,"Since I knew him I haven't had active suicidal thoughts. Even now. I hate how I am and I wish I could die right now, but I don't have the drive to do it myself anymore. How do I leave him if I know that life without him has been and will be a worse circle of hell? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE IF I HAD THE MONEY I'D HIRE A HITMAN TO DO ME IN",Stress +30016,"I would want to major in Broadcasting/Film but I will end up coming out with 30-40k in debt before additional scholarships and debt is something that I really don't want. ​ OR I could go to Brescia University on a full ride for esports (i would even get paid to go there) and although they don't have the major I wanted, the coach said it would be a good idea to get my major in a business degree and get my minor in graphics design. They also have many connections with different companies within esports that im not sure if WKU has. Here is also an estimated award letter they gave me: ",Normal +30017," --- **tl;dr**: Met this guy a few months ago, we've only hung out a few times. I'm a little wary of the age gap and don't have much experience with accurately ""reading signals"". He is mildly physically affectionate (leans towards me, hits my arm playfully, pulls things from my hair) and gives compliments that seem genuine and sincere, but aren't quite non platonic. What do you think/what should I look for?",Normal +30018,"In the end I think I do want to move to SoCal because I like the warm weather. Not a huge fan of cold and/or perpetually rainy places. I have no family support, am 23, and I'm finding it really hard to get gainful employment. I would just like to be able to get on my feet, not need government assistance, pursue my art and at least say I have a year's work experience. Thanks!",Normal +30019,She is so hardworking. At multiple times in her life she has worked multiple jobs to support herself and her family. She has never been on any type of government assistance. Even when she divorced her abusive alcoholic husband she didn't seek child support or alimony. She is incredibly self sufficient but it just seems that she can't catch a break.,Normal +30020,"I changed jobs last year and moved up into a management role. I run a small program for kids and have 3 staff. Shortly after accepting my position, my job duties completely changed, I hired one new staff person, 2 staff quit and I hired 2 more, and it was up for debate on whether the program would cease to exist by 2019. It feels like I’ve been in survival mode, and everyone was abandoning me...even though I know it wasn’t me they were abandoning. This was rough for me.",Stress +30021,"She wants to live off these 400.00 and cut back on everything there is, even her own only connection back to her family if needed. My plan was, to get back to our parents for a while, until we both earn a bit better or find a cheaper place. But unfortunately, for her this is no option. She is afraid she can't go home, as she already once switched jobs and is afraid her mother won't accept her at home again. She blocks every attempt of mine to bring up the possibility of going back.",Stress +30022,"She's been doing exams as of late and we've both had some personal problems so we haven't had time to work on our relationship. We both said we would stay together but sort it all out after she came back from a holiday she was going on with her uni. On the second last night she tells me she has kissed another guy and feels horrific about it. I tell her i'm going to leave because she has cheated in hope she realizes what life is like without me (stupid I know). I've always put her needs before mine, i've tried to give her everything and be the perfect boyfriend and because my natural defense mechanism is to retreat into my shell and shut the world out I don't reply to her texts that day.",Stress +30023,"Ok here we go.... My original trauma was being molested by my grandfather starting around 7-8 (my best guess, only have a few memories, could’ve been earlier). I have very few memories of this, although I have gotten some back recently. I don’t know how long it continues for but he died when I was 10/12 or so Around this time I was also severely bullied in school, my cousin being the ring leader.",Stress +30024,"What do I do? --- **tl;dr**: My fiance completely cuts himself off from our son and me and sulks for days if his sports teams lose. I am tired of having to plan our lives around his teams and cancel plans when they lose, but he doesn't see a problem. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I can't keep doing this.",Stress +30025,"Every single day I'm getting fb messages from her saying a combination of the following: I'm feeling sad, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm scared you aren't attracted to me,",Stress +30026,"She does dissociate and is on all kinds of psychiatric meds. One day she loves me the next day she hates me. I really don't know what to do, I moved down south to be with her and so I have no friends or family here. She suffers from agoraphobia so we never leave the house. Its also her place so Im scarred she is going to kick me out, she has used that against me in the past, it makes me feel very vunrable and scared.",Stress +30027,"My primary concern is to get her the surgery and treatment she needs to save her life. To that end, I've set up a fundraising campaign here: Every little bit helps! I know it's a long shot to reach the goal, but every dollar you can spare goes a long way to help, even if the goal isn't reached. I would be so grateful for any and all assistance, even if it's just to share this story/fundraising with your family and friends.",Normal +30028,"And he said that he had some deep feelings for me. So I suggested meeting at another time without booze. In the morning I had a text from him apologising for being an asshole. I replied and said I didn't think that, but that I was a little overwhelmed. Since then I have not heard much from him, but I can't stop thinking about it.",Stress +30029,"just in case you feel like helping a person in need, I am short of responses to complete my thesis data. it is about content co-creation in gaming enviromnet :-) it takes about 10 min :-) without the 400 respones I can not finish my work and will be obliged to pay extra semester university fees :-( please help me get out of desperation , thank you I appreciate every filled survey ;-) it would be great if you can fill it and share it as well with your friends :-) ",Normal +30030,"If you were raped on a daily basis from infancy through adolescence then you should ""radically accept"" it. Check out the parts of Linehan's book where she explains how unconditional positive regard is a myth, nonexistent. The part where she explains about paradoxical intervention. That is where you manipulate and jerk your client around using head games and reverse psychology. Then there is radical genuineness.",Normal +30031,"The reality is acceptance is a huge step in moving forward in any treatment, thing of AA and the whole 12 steps first is admitting your an alcoholic because denial will not help SHIT. It will make you resistant to treatment, and all kinds of things. #7 Develop a Vice...I recommend a healthy one. Develop an addiction..and no not a drug/drinking addiction (the white coats give us as enough meds...don't seek out more) but you have have health immoral habits, if binge watching tv is your thing, eating an entire cake to yourself, buying expensive tabletop games, whatever. DO IT, don't do it everyday but set some time once a month, twice a year, every few months depending on your vice and exercise it.",Normal +30032,"He tells everyone we’re his life. My family victim blames and they’re are ok with a multi millionaire pedophile in the family. So they’re disgusting and no help. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’ll try to kill me one day. I’m moving soon if I can get a damn plan together to his parents, they understand he’s crazy, but he really messes with my head.",Stress +30033,okay. ANYWAYS. that was my long way of asking if like. was i molested? okay no that’s a bit much of a question.,Normal +30034,I have an amazing group of friends filled with the most genuine people you'd ever meet. And I'm a college graduate. I have this deep fear that he'll be right. I'm terrified that I only think I've broken the cycle but I haven't really. Thanks to PTSD I'll probably still have those moments.,Stress +30035,"He explained that he didn’t think it was such a big deal that he disclosed such personal information about me without my permission to his friends then he tried to flip it and said it was no different then a time I canceled plans with a friend and told them the reason was because he, Tom was sick with the flu and I was going to stay in and take care of him. How is me honestly explaining that the reason I would have to cancel on a friend because my boyfriend is sick, the same as him giving away very detailed information about our sex life plus other very personal traumas that I experienced without my permission? I feel like he’s trying to gaslight me and I’m seeing a side to him I’ve never seen. I’m honestly thinking about ending things with him over this. TL;DR my boyfriend told his friends VERY detailed information about our sex life plus other personal things about my life without my permission and I feel so betrayed but he’s trying to act like it’s no big deal.",Stress +30036,"Hello all, I'm a new submitter to this channel. I went here a few nights ago and honestly it's been helping me cope with my current situation by reading what others are going through. One of the things I noticed is that a lot of responses are brutally honest -- and I am here for just that while still accepting that I'm a hopeless romantic who sees the value in ""If you really want it don't give up"". Let's get started -",Normal +30037,"His response was to constantly remind me that ""not everything is about you"" and then taught me a technique which was to ask more questions in conversations because people always love talking about themselves. Anyway. I quit my antidepressants several months ago because I am in a good place now, and I can survive without them. I just find that thoughts like this are still very present, and can be very difficult to deal with. I never do apologize on Facebook.",Normal +30038,"I just want to get rid of the pent up confused bouncing energy inside me, so I cry because I've overwhelmed myself... not because I'm weak... That's what I tell myself at least.... I force myself to do things even if they make me uncomfortable just because I know normal ppl would not have the same issue.... Must act normal.. They won't like me if I don't... I am tired all the time, I just want someone to guide me. Take my hand and just understand I need their company to stop the war in my head, but torn because they say I should be able to do that for myself..",Stress +30039,I'm so grateful to this sub- it was really amazing to see that I wasn't alone in this. Reading other's struggles and accomplishments inspired me beyond belief. So I hope that if you're reading this you can find your own inspiration. Thank you for listening to me babble. I wish you all luck on your journey :),Normal +30040,"As she was leaving she told me ""now I have to go back there again"" as she was sobbing. I didnt know what to say or what I could do to help. Everyone I've talked with as told me I should've gotten her phone number because looking her phone number up through our receipts and membership files is an invasion of privacy. Did I miss my only opportunity to help her by not asking for her phone number? Sorry for the sad story, I just don't know what to do and it's painful to think what is happening to her right now.",Stress +30041,"I started a new job last Tuesday, and I have had some pretty severe anxiety most days, especially my first day. (As probably to be expected) This is my second job, and unlike my first one I have ZERO customer interaction so my social anxiety hasn't been nearly as bad as it was with my previous job. Now tomorrow morning I start my second week, and I was feeling fine all day today, but it's time to sleep and I can't even lay down without freaking out. I'd hate to call in sick after only one week but I don't know if I can make it like this. I'm freaking out and it's stopping me from getting any sleep.",Stress +30042,I just feel kinda gross because I was giving her fucking college advice and stuff. I'm fucking furious. My clearest memory of my dad in highschool is him ramming my head repeatedly into a wall because I didn't want to pick engineering as a *second choice*. And NOW he chooses to support and help this fucking girl through college when I had to do all that on my own? He even skipped out on my graduation!,Stress +30043,Hello I am having a massive anxiety attack over feeling nauseated. I hate the stomach flu it's a phobia of mine. Even meds don't take my anxiety away completely and they don't even help a lot honestly celexa is just the only medication where I don't get side effects and sometimes not even my clognezapan kicks in when I'm having panic attacks. I am at work and I cannot focus at all. I'm so scared I hate nausea I hate it.,Stress +30044,"I also have pretty bad dissociative episodes which I've had since I was about 5. Anyway, a month ago I was prescribed prazocin to take before bed and I'm just on 1mg since I just started it. I'm wondering if anyone has had success with this med? Because I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm so run down that I just can't anymore. I don't know if I should even bother going up in dose or if it's just another waste of energy",Stress +30045,"How could I when I felt so unwelcome? Idk, I'm sorry, I'm just so sick of carrying on when it's so fucking exhausting just to be told that it's never bloody fucking good enough for anyone. I'm fucking trying so hard. They claim to understand that I have ""issues"" (I had confided before they abandoned me) yet I'm never fucking good enough. I just want to drink a bottle of bleach and be fucking done with it.",Stress +30046,"We clicked well, we chilled in, we went out, we laughed and got to know each other. She was a daily texter type of person, good mornings and good nights and hearts often. Feb 12, while I was away during the week traveling for work, she texted me to say she liked me and to ask if I would go out with her (make it official, like bf/gf). I told her I liked her too but we should talk a bit more that weekend. Feb 15, she started a prescription for Zoloft, half dose to start.",Normal +30047,"Hey. I have PTSD from something totally different than my topic. I've been going to therapy for it, and it has been doing wonders for my triggers! I haven't felt this healthy in years. But, as therapy often does, it brought up some stuff I thought I had handled but turned out to be bigger than I thought.",Normal +30048,"Last week it happened so many times in one trip I decided to go to urgent care about it (at one point I was driving with my window down, in hail, slapping myself in the face to stay alert). Anyway, I figured I would share what I learned in case anyone else is experiencing this. Apparently nothing to do with asthma, actually caused by PTSD. After vitals were normal, the doctor said that when I drive for awhile, my body's posture is activating my sympathetic nervous system. Apparently, your nervous system has two parts; sympathetic (SNS) and parasympathetic (PNS).",Normal +30049,"i quickly think to check them all out in seperate windows, and i confirm again that all of the profiles had been made very recently within the past month even up to the day of adding me. it's becoming really annoying having these profiles add me, and it's just weird that they're obviousy fake but why so specifically pose as a certain kind of person and add another? stuff about me: im a lesbian so don't date older men, and i've never really hung out with anyone older than 40 so i know i can't actually know these people. and if its some weird joke; i have no daddy issues, my dad is still around and its not really a funny joke its just weird. i also note that one of the profiles, which has since disappeared, was really REALLY creepy.",Stress +30050,"Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest. ",Normal +30051,"I've been through sooo much for so long. I've worked so hard to overcome my addictions and have been sober since March 19, 2012, I finally quit porn a little over 2 years ago, right before I got together with a woman who became my wife. She's sober too. I'm a junior in college majoring in Psychology with a concentration in Addictive Studies. I lost 40 lbs.",Normal +30052,This kind of thing just makes me want to stop. Why do people go out of their way to be negative to someone asking a question and trying to get help? It stresses me out.. Anyone else have this issue or get anxious over this? Or am I just being silly?,Stress +30053,"Years ago on this day, you did things to me I will not say. Although I might have lost a fight, nothing about that at all was right. I hope it bothers you oh so much, to know you hurt me all by touch. Everything about you is so mean, I just wish you could get clean. I wrote this all straight from my heart, take responsibility for your part.""",Stress +30054,"I can't afford to buy new clothing, not even from goodwill. Right now, I've currently got two pairs of workout capris and that's it. And in the northeastern us it is getting colder. I could really use a couple pairs of jeans, some shirts, and a nice pair of black dress pants for interviews that I have lined up. Used is fine as long as they don't have holes in them.",Normal +30055,"People who need support, regardless of the elements that brought them to needing that support, are welcome here. If you are a robot or a fish person you are also welcome. If you are a crab from an enemy faction other than that of Hip Healz’ native crab please consider the danger present to you. **Whisper Channels**: Basically a channel to help anyone in need of support, whether it be for venting, companionship, advice, commiseration, or someone to talk to. The Whisper channel is a judgement-free zone, used solely to comfort those in need of help.",Normal +30056,"Yet my job requires me to always be reachable and the staff under me always ask me to help them, but I can't even help myself. I'm torn between wanting to be alone, wanting to reach out for help, talking to people just so I can yell and push them away. I don't know what to do. That's a lie, I think I do but I don't want to. Any effort is exhausting and I can't bring myself to fix it.",Stress +30057,"I feel like a complete and utter fuck up. And it just fucking hurts. I’m filled with what if’s. “What if you didn’t ever use pot and was that what made you feel physically ill?” “What if it wasn’t that, but just high anxiety?” “What if I pushed through and got the job and things turned out well? How happy would you be compared to where you are now?” (I should mention I am not at a great place in my life right now in many ways, including employment).",Stress +30058,"I'll let you know!"" I guess their wires got crossed - he meant he'd let her know whether could make it or not. But apparently, she took it as him confirming he'd go, but that he'd let her know the details, what time, etc. Her Christmas party rolls around and he last minute asked if he and I could spend it together (we were still kinda new at this pt, only 1 month into dating). I agreed.",Normal +30059,"Neosporin and ace bandage if one starts bleeding. Life lesson: Don't let your dog run on wet concrete, and let the vet tell you what you should worry about. If you think your worries sound ridiculous, they probably are. Bonus: Molly needs to lose 2.5 pounds because she hates the rain and doesn't want to walk in it. Lol.",Normal +30060,"My online friend -- let's call him Jim -- is a Jehovah's Witness. I've known him on and off for about a decade. Nowadays, we only email each other about thrice a year, but I still consider him one of my favorite online friends because of how deep and insightful our conversations are. We've rubbed each other the wrong way in the past because we have different ideas of God. I was raised as a Born Again Christian and am now looking into becoming a Unitarian Universalist.",Normal +30061,So he leaned in and kissed me with tongue. I was embarrassed because that was my first kiss. Then the next time I saw him he stuck his fingers in me even though I said no and unzipped his pants. I kicked him off of me and rode my bike all the way home with blood running down my legs. I didn't tell my dad because I was afraid he would beat me.,Stress +30062,You will have been given a chunk of life experience most people will never get hold of. You will have emotional super-strength. Things that throw others completely off balance won't even phase you. Tasks you previous had no courage for may now be a bit easier... You might soon find yourself being looked up to more than before...,Normal +30063,"Hello! I've found myself in between a rock and a hard place: the project I was working on lasted longer than I expected, and I've run out of money. I've been applying for local (Arizona) jobs, but most won't get back to me until after October 1st, which is my doomsday. I need 650 for rent. If I can't get it, it's over, which is frustrating and scary!",Stress +30064,"Won't have any income until after I graduate, so whatever I spend this shit on, that's it. I have no social life anyways, so I won't be missing out on anything since I just stay in my room when I'm not in class. I have a pretty terrible idea to make money that I'll need about 1200 in supplies to attempt. It doesn't involve gambling, buying crypto, or buying stocks. Do I do it?",Normal +30065,"For ever since I can remember I have suffered from anxiety. But in the past 5 or so years, my anxiety has shifted to almost entirely work. I’m only 18 and am working part time, but for some god damn reason work scares the hell out of me. I have quit my past three jobs because of it and have recently got a new job. I started on Wednesday and am actually good at it.",Stress +30066,"I'm in need of quick assistance to make a purchase at a store next door to my condo. I planned on splitting an items cost across two cards and paid $3.40 on one card and went to put the rest $1.60 on my other card which shows it has the balance and more available but is declining for some reason. I would appreciate it if someone sent me $1.60 via google wallet, as it should transfer over within minutes allowing me to make my purchase. And in return/or before, I will send you $1.60 via bitcoin. At the current rate bitcoin is going, that amount should continue to increase in value.",Normal +30067,He was going to choke the name out of me. I am his 24/7 caregiver i do not have time to cheat even if i wanted. He said i would die if i didnt tell him. He snapped out of it. That was a couple days ago and i am finding out how close i really came to dying.,Stress +30068,"I would be lying if I said using heroin didn’t get more tempting everyday. Atleast I could either slowly die high and numb, or accidentally high and numb. I feel like I’ve had a noose tied around my neck sense the first day my incest abuse happened 14 years ago. Ever sense I was 9 or 10 I knew I would die by my own hand. It’s only a matter of time.",Stress +30069,"He's been violent pretty much since 6months in. Nothing too horrendous at first just a slap or a punch or he'd spit in my face during an argument or grab me. I reasoned I could deal with that because he was always so remorseful and depressed afterwards. A year in we split up because he stole my car keys out of the ignition, got in the car and threatened to kill me rip out my hair and nails etc. I went to the police and they issued him with a domestic violence order.",Stress +30070,"Don’t take this lightly. Acid isn’t for all, and I didn’t take it for a fucking therapy session—but, here I am sat down in front of paper and pastels on a wood floor, not thinking about whatever happened to me however long ago. I am more than my pain and I deserve that. LSD has helped me realize this. Don’t just take this willy nilly, it takes a lot of mental preparation.",Normal +30071,"I created this gofundme as a way to help my mom pay our cats vet bills and because they all need to see a vet pretty badly. This is . I don't know if it is overtly clear in the picture but he has a cyst under his eye and treating it at home isn't working anymore. My mom is still paying off the vet bills from almost a year ago when my oldest cat Honey needed emergency surgery. Honey, Shea, and my youngest cat Emily all need to see a vet pretty badly but cost is too much.",Stress +30072,"The only truly good therapist I've been to was in Sweden, she listened, took extensive notes, remembered stuff and didn't talk about herself or her personal life. I need to see a therapist but I don't know what to do. I can't teach my therapists how to do their job nor should I feel like I need to in the first place. I also have chronic illnesses which makes it tiring (if not at times impossible) to have to constantly fight back against all my doctors to make sure they actually treat me and my symptoms and not just the numbers on my chart. It's gotten to the point where I'm really pessimistic about getting better or even being able to get good help.",Stress +30073,"Hi, I'm a senior in high school, and I just turned 18. While at school one day, my mom collected some of my belongings and put them in a bag by the door, and then confiscated my house key, telling me I had to leave by the next morning. I have no where to go, no car, and no access to my savings. I have a part-time job, but it auto-deposits into a checking account that my dad has control over.",Stress +30074,"We will provide links to treatment resources throughout the study. 7. This study will include only participants who are 18 years and older. Please send us a private message if you are interested in participating. Once you contact us, we will send you a link to the screening questionnaire to see if you qualify and to tell you more about the study.",Normal +30075,"I'm starting to really believe that my brain is the problem here and not trauma. Everyone just thinks I'm a dramatic slut anyway, so does it even matter? Like maybe they are right? I feel like I'm too embarrassed to even go back to my psych now. Today I seriously looked like a total basket case.",Stress +30076,I was just going to bail the next morning and not come back but I called the cops to come get me that night that how unsafe I felt. I feared for my life. Please people I need to get a job and some type of place to stay. In Florida. Shelters do more harm than good,Stress +30077,"I’ve been reading through the raised by narcissists subreddit that some of you linked to, and a lot of it matches with my experience growing up. The situation may be more severe then I had originally thought. For now, I’m just going to keep saving up money for the future, taking precautions and doing things to protect my own mental health. I am seeing a therapist for my anxiety, and the next time I have a session I’m going to bring get up everything I talked about here and maybe get some help in dealing with it. Again, thanks to everyone who took time out of their day to give me advice when I was struggling, I really appreciate it.",Normal +30078,"It's also frustrating because I'm finally getting the kind of help I would expect from family and BEYOND from a woman I met while panhandling this summer. Thanks to a stranger: I've been able to finally get mental health assistance, I got my benefits fixed, I got a job, and I have a safe place to sleep out of the rain or snow. I have somewhere to leave my pack and bed roll rather than carry it around 24/7. I could probably ask to store that stuff, but it seems so asinine to ask more of this woman and especially so since it's just extra supplies for my dog I don't really need. I can't understand why even the bare minimum is too much to ask of the people who are supposed to care the most.",Normal +30079,I make a good living and only want to get on with life. Plus I know filing a claim at the VA is humiliating and I don’t want to go though what others I fear have. Thanks for listening. I posted this as there was a guy on the foxnews site dogging people with fake PTSD because his son served in combat and is fine. Mike,Normal +30080,"This isn't my post, I have copied and pasted from a friend. It is about a small boy that lives in our neighborhood: On May 5th Brody was a very normal 2 year old boy. His parents took him to the doctor for what they thought was an ear infection. Shortly thereafter he was diagnosed with a very rare brain cancer and given 2 months to live.",Normal +30081,"I'm 21, and have been on Lexapro for about 2 years. Was diagnosed with GAD the same time I was put on medication. Just graduated this past May from college (I had the worst anxiety of my whole life during my last semester), and I have been doing well since graduation. I started working the graveyard shift a month ago at a non-profit, and the anxiety hit me like a big wave about a week ago. Just all of a sudden, out of nowhere.",Stress +30082,(One is 3 yrs old and the other 19) . Now my dad would beat my mom but over the course of the years as I grew older he turned the violence onto me. He would see that I defended my mom and since I called the police one time (I found him choking her onto the wall) he stopped hurting her and transitioned into beating me. Now I know you guys may ask why did you continue to allow the abuse with you if you had stopped it with your mother before? Well I have an answer to that my mother loved my father very much and every time I tried contacting the police she would stop me and I have a lot of love towards my mother and would do anything for her... but anyways back to the present we no longer live with him anymore and we have cut all ties with him except for my brother.,Normal +30083,"Sister kicked off because she wanted to come to. It was a couple type thing and all of us were bringing a SO or a friend (if one of us didn’t have a partner) even if it wasn’t, I would have just wanted it to be Harry. As I don’t want his sister clinging on to us every single time. Harry asked me if she could come too because “it so unfair that you are isolating her like this.” I stood my ground and said that please can he just come. He said no.",Normal +30084,"Today i came home from and the girls were up and had the Halloween candy all over the room. Their dad was sleeping alongside them. After a couple minutes of ""bitching"", he says to my oldest, tell your mom to shut up. And so she does. So i get on top of him and i say, don't you ever do that again.",Stress +30085,"He is not allowed to show up and cause a scene like that, and he definitely isn't allowed to talk to a child like that, handicapped or not. So, yes, I'm moving. My brother is having panic attacks now, he shouldn't be afraid to be at the house. The only thing is, finding a house on such short notice is proving to be very difficult. We have some blemishes on our rental history from past problems, but have gotten to a much better place since then.",Stress +30086,"come up and live with us and she'd leave me alone with him, wasted out of his mind, while she would be with her boyfriend (who shes now married to). Eventually I moved back with my dad and everything was fine. I'd call and talk to her and she sounded like she had her life together. Well then they broke up for a short period of time, and she moved to live with her half siblings. She would drink excessively, and call me and cry about her life.",Normal +30087,"When you can’t remember the simplest things, but your mind is racing a thousand miles a minute, you know it can’t go on. It felt like my sanity was whirling away from me. So I arrived in what I remember to be a thatch of poisonous thorns, ripe with painful, tearful memories. Instead, I have been given the give of honestly looking and starting to deal with the damage of deep scars. Today, instead of jumping on the operating table, eager to right the very wrong right foot, I got to take a bike ride.",Stress +30088,"When I was younger, not even double digits, another minor around my age came very close to sexually assaulting me. It luckily didn’t happen and my two cousins busted the boy’s door. Years later, I couldn’t be around men without feeling anxious. I don’t remember having any nightmares but, I couldn’t trust men. Not even my own father.",Stress +30089,This week has been bad. I'm crying over everything. I'm struggling at work to get basic tasks done. I am SO HEAVILY OVERWHELMED by the smallest things. My sink was so full of dishes to the point where I had no clean ones left and because the pile was so high I couldn't go near it and just cried.,Stress +30090,"The few days following this I was a wreck, an absolute mess. Crying at work, shaking, anxious, sweating, and couldn't eat. Through the week I wound up losing nearly 6lbs and have been everything from manic depressed to furious, to scared out of my wits to utterly confused aaand all the way back around again. The other night I told him I needed an answer. WHAT are we doing?",Stress +30091,"I think it’s possible that these feelings are coming from the fact that he has said he loves me while drunk but can’t say it sober. I haven’t brought his up to him, but it makes me feel like he can’t say it because of his ex. Which I understand, but it also makes me sad that he’s not excited to be in love with me. I think part of me also feels like a second choice, or like I’m being compared to her. It’s eapecially awful when I think about how ready I would have been to to go back to my ex when I was still heartbroken.",Stress +30092,"Long story short, someone presented a very powerful monologue as a precursor for a healing art session. FollowIng healing art, there were 4 powerful guest speakers. The monologue shook me and put me in a vulnerable space when heading into the healing art. The 4 speakers solidified this. I searched for the right words, and for the first time, I found them.",Normal +30093,"I desperately miss my childhood and I wish I could have it back. After being molested, I feel that it was cut short. I'm afraid of getting older, and getting to the age where l have less time left than I've already lived. I think about it every day and it consumes me entirely. I'm obsessed with extending my lifespan on one end, and just killing myself on the other",Stress +30094,"But I don’t know why I get this feeling. What can I do to stop feeling this way? I want to focus on me and my things without having to think about her and what she’s doing all the time, so I can be less distracted and focused on my other priorities. TL;DR I want to focus on my priorities in life but I find myself getting wrapped up in my thoughts about what where, and what my girlfriend is doing.",Stress +30095,"Part of me wonders if it's not my mom's fine-tuned manipulation at work, but it's sure as hell eating at me. How do I get out of his harmful headspace? It feels like my emotions and my logic are at war right now. Even after the abuse and trauma I've endured at the hands of my mom I still question the validity of my experience because I know there are people that have it a lot worse. And seeing that video was like watching a train wreck, it made me feel so awful because of its violent nature but it also made me doubt a lot of what I'm still experiencing.",Stress +30096,"Everytime, he gets mad he takes my phone or other items away from me and tells me he bought it so it's his. He's even broke my iPhone which I bought a long time ago. He doesn't give me money and if I want some, I need a good reason why. He works overnights which makes things very hard for me, because the Long island railroad barely runs during those times and even then I have a 2months old, where would the baby and I go overnight? I don't know what to do, but I'm tired of feeling trapped and helpless.",Stress +30097,"(NOTE: my grandma was kind to me, but she doesn’t speak a word of English and had no idea about how to get me help) July 30 2011: I think it’s the 30th I’m not sure anymore. I’ve been sleeping so much I can’t tell how long I’ve been asleep. Mom is having a family party today at our house.",Normal +30098,"It’s subconscious for sure, but just a feeling I get. I’m terrified of him, and praying that he gets the real help he needs at the same time. And I just don’t know how to sort that out. I don’t know how to stop worrying and wondering what he’s doing, we have several court dates coming up so I think that adds to it. I’m just so exhausted and ready for this fight to be over.",Stress +30099,"But even after that he still says things that makes me feel uncomfortable. For example, when I suggest we do something or go somewhere that could be somewhat unique/interesting (e.g., watching a documentary about sex workers in their 60s, or going to a church in Vienna to listen to the choir boys sing), his first reaction via text is ""wtf?"" I instantly feel bad and angry because he is saying wtf to my plans and interests. When I confront him about it, he says he ""wasn't saying it to me."" His excuse is that he was saying wtf about [insert whatever the subject matter was].",Stress +30100,"I instantly thought of something I rarely think about, being molested in a pool locker room when I was 10. My heart started beating incredibly fast as I readied myself to tell them the thing I couldn’t even tell my family at the time. I started crying, something I haven’t done in years and something my friends have never seen me do. When it got to me, with my hand over my eyes all I could say was “I don’t think I can”. It felt like I was reliving what I’d gone through, like I could see it happening in front of me.",Stress +30101,"Posting this here as I didn't know about this sub until I was directed to it. Had originally posted in /r/assistance, and have only received a handful of PM's. Hello I've had a room in my house that I've used in the past to house a few friends who were not doing great economically while I find them a job. Most of these guys work in the IT field, and once I got them on at Microsoft, they got their own place.",Normal +30102,"  I asked my friend and Psychological guru if he happened to know of a washing machine I could pop my brain into for a while. He said yes and I have a neat little machine (expensive at $800+) which literally rinses my brain, I run it at the highest charge possible to electrodes attached to each ear lobe and I sleep for an hour, waking up with a rinsed brain.   Electric pulses and the use of magnetic fields in the treatment of psychiatric issues is not new but we no longer have to hook you up to the transfer station, in fact despite big pharma trying to stop the research (I kid you not), it’s moved forward exponentially with researchers in the University of Texas in Dallas amongst many pushing their findings into the stimulation of the vagus nerve to alleviate the symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, depression and over all mental f*ckery.",Normal +30103,"I'm 26. Tuesday is day one of therapy. Day one of me trying to talk about whatever has been going on in my head for the last decade, last 2 decades. I'm terrified to talk but tired of living like this. Tired of the nocturnal panic attacks, tired of crying in the shower, tired of not feeling in control of my head, tired of the pointless thought circles that eat me up daily on something that doesn't matter.",Stress +30104,"Most diagnoses, except those relating to the endangerment of children, are welcome. This is a first person group, so you need to be the person with a disorder to participate. To join visit our site [https://thehaven.support](https://thehaven.support/) or check out our Instagram: We believe we are stronger together, which is why peer support is so helpful and important. Care when you need it; care for others when you can. \-Zen",Normal +30105,"I do a style of emotional release bodywork called Amanae (or Emotional Release Therapy) and I feel compelled to help veterans. What are the ways I might be able to get in touch with an organization in my area to see if I can volunteer? It can be an intense process and I want to know if it could help people suffering from PTSD, especially veterans. I don’t know if it would be like rattling a cage that shouldn’t be rattled, or if it is exactly the right thing for treating PTSD. I would volunteer my services to learn more by working with sufferers.",Normal +30106,"But I have two questions - 1) should I stop hanging out with these men altogether? My therapist and mother have told me they don't think what these men confessed were a big deal because they were so young while it happened. And 2) I kind of want to tell the most recent guy that him confessing that to me made me uncomfortable, but I don't know if I should or not. I need help because I don't always have the best judgment of what to do and I'm not always the best judge of character. I think it's because of my aspergers, and also because I really want to see the good in people.",Normal +30107,"I was terrified and scared and couldn't get away. She just said he was ""joking around"" but it was horrible. I get a sting of panic and fear if anyone pinches me today. I can't even use a lighter without fear of it (Fire is fine, it's Just that kind of lighters). I also panic if anybody raises their voice or sounds angry.",Stress +30108,"My mother and younger sister lived in another city where my mother worked and my sister studied. I was supposed to stay in city 1 until college, but my mother persuaded me to come with her, move, change schools and be near family. She was concerned of me an wanted to have me close. So i moved, but it took me a good while to shift and make friends and such. Thing is, i was never meant to be here.",Normal +30109,"One of my closest friends was recently diagnosed with stage II Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The problem though, is that needs help paying for treatment. She lives with a single parent, and can't work anymore due to her disease. Her health condition isn't in completely dire straits like some others on here, but it will be very tough to pay for chemotherapy and the ER visit that led to her diagnosis Any contribution would help, or simply sharing through Facebook or spreading the word is also great. ",Normal +30110,"For example, she told me I was too stubborn. This is definitely true but she criticized my political opinions, my social behaviors, and my pop culture opinions in addition to just my relationship with her. She also constantly mocks me when we fight, literally repeating my words back to me in a childish/cartoony voice and putting words in my mouth. She refuses to listen to my point of view. We recently got into a fight where I thought a Christmas present my father had gotten me was cheaper than it was.",Stress +30111,"Come one, come all. Join us if you need support, or a friendly community to become apart of. **Invitation Link:** We also have a subreddit for people who can't get Discord: r/AngelsWingsSupport **DISCLAIMER:** *We are not medical professionals.",Normal +30112,"The misery is so much worse than pre-lamictal, the torment is so much scarier. It feels almost demonic, like someone outside of me is tormenting me (I do not mean this literally or psychotically, it's just my subjective description). I have crying spells all day, I mean the entire day, doesn't matter who I'm hanging out with, doesn't matter if I'm at work (I had to quit for the time being), doesn't matter if I'm working out. I shake and cry and shake and cry, like wailing violent cries. It's terrifying, it feels very ""chemical"" and out of control, like the absence of the drug does this to me, and it's scary for the people around me.",Stress +30113,"ISOLATION KILLS US   UNTIL YOU CAN FIGHT THIS WITH THERAPIES ABOVE, FIGHT ISOLATION   ARE THERE ANY OTHERS?",Normal +30114,"My Social Security disability case is still winding its way through the labyrinth of that particular bureaucracy, but there'd be no need to worry about me cutting into your food, as I do receive SNAP. I *could* get a small storage unit for my belongings while I ""hold out"" around these people, though that'd be less than ideal (and dangerous)... and paying for the unit would cut into the funds I'd need to cover fuel and such getting out and going up North. Hence why I'm trying posting here. I suppose it's also worth mentioning that my friend's car is on the smaller side, which might make a tight squeeze, so if anyone has a larger vehicle, and is able and willing to move me and my stuff from Fort Worth to Fort Wayne, that'd be cool. I'd be able to cover fuel and such (well, so long as it's not a major gas guzzler we're talking about - I've got about $200 for that purpose).",Normal +30115,"I was on a tear. I was dressing better, eating better, losing weight, dating a little, saving some money, I was on my way out of this pit. Now nothing seems to matter. Everyone else is so far ahead of me. I finally felt like I was making up ground and the people around me did too, so they took off the kid gloves they'd been using around me a little bit and sharing more of their lives and I am realizing how completely inadequate I am compared to them and how far behind I really am in life.",Normal +30116,"Above all else he made me feel not that I owed him for such affections. He made me feel worth something, that I was important and beautiful. He gave me back my soul and so very much more until I married him. I know this story might not be what you want to read – I didn’t fight the good fight by myself. Nor did I find my self-worth by myself – well I did in a way, but my friend, my love and eventually my husband held my hand with every shaky step I took.",Normal +30117,"Lightheadedness/flushed feeling, Burning in head and extremities, Dull Headaches (sometimes in back of head and radiates to front) Disassociation, Vision issues,",Normal +30118,"However, I still need to figure out my best options. That said, I have a few hundred USD to roll with, as well as a part-time job. I know a shelter that's not awfully far from where I work too. So I have my short-term plan, save for possessions. I'll need to call up some storage units tomorrow to check locations and prices.",Normal +30119,"He gave me a pill to “stay awake,” claiming it was a caffeine pill. It didn’t seem to work. We started having sex, and right off the bat I could tell this was weird. He was completely quiet, wearing all of his clothes. He touched my labia (I have an innie vagina) and was like “What the fuck is this...”",Normal +30120,"I started talking to a girl, 'J', on Tinder about a month ago. She's funny, attractive and quick-witted, however she was apprehensive to meet up for a drink to get to know each other in person straight away. We are both from the same town (we matched over Christmas) however she lives an hour and a half away in a much larger city. She first claimed that she could not afford to travel to see me even when she was back in my town (she also refused to let me pay for anything involving her, including travel to her city to meet her), however said last week that she did not want to meet me until she knew that I was genuine about her, and wanted to talk on the phone every evening for a week. If I did this, then she would meet me on the day afterwards.",Normal +30121,"Secondly; after 3 years of countless meds and as many strains of dank as you can think of, I finally discovered my cure to anxiety. I've heard handfuls of people say music helps but that's never been that case for me. Until tonight. I started listening to kid Cudi during an anxiety attack, I've been listening to him for a long time but never during an episode, I discovered his music helps me significantly. More than any meds I've ever tried.",Normal +30122,"Anxiety my \*\*\*, that \*\*\*\* gave ME anxiety, being surrounded like that. * ​ Skipping to college, at this point I really didn't care about anything anymore, and it didn't help that I met a girl who completely split me and my friend apart (that's a long story in of itself), and started skipping a lot of my classes. I had good grades in my computer programming class, because I was actually curious for a while, but that was about it.",Normal +30123,I was able to get my old office job back and that comes with okay pay and good benefits I start November 1st . Just trying to take steps to make sure we’re okay before we get too behind and stuck on the streets . Anything is appreciated all I have 11$ to my name until Friday . Pm me you would like to help . I am starting a gofund me sometime this week to help us if anyone is interested in that I will keep you updated,Stress +30124,"His mother would say, ""Who would love you if you look like that?"" or ""Why couldn't I have a fit and handsome son."" So he has his own issues with his body image and weight. He also went a few years without being physical with anyone because he never thought that anyone would be interested or love him because of his appearance. He had a few years where he got very fit and had six pack but eventually lost it as he got older.",Normal +30125,"It sent me into a full-blown crisis by breaking open the “no one believes me and I’m worthless” wound. I had to up my level of care, now I’m in IOP 5 days a week, 3+ hours a day. It’s given me just enough relief to return to weekly EMDR. I had my first session in this round, last week. It was the most physically symptomatic I’ve ever been in-session.",Stress +30126,"I keep trying, hoping we can be what we were...that the man I fell in love with will return. What’s happening here? Why rage at your wife when she tries to be affectionate? Is this just another control tactic? He also stated that I had completely cut him out of my life (I have been spending time with women friends and taking classes).",Normal +30127,"He doesn't have to spend a load of money on things I like! He can use it to spend on himself. I don't understand why he feels that just because we're in a relationship that he has to ""spoil"" me. I enjoy being spoiled but only when I'm the one spoiling myself, haha. TL;Dr: My boyfriend doesn't like that I don't want him to do anything for me",Stress +30128,"Sometimes I feel like I’m the third wheel in their relationship. And this doesn’t even include what they may do when I’m not around! Also, whenever roommate will talk about boys or finding a boyfriend, I notice husband will quickly try to shut that idea down fast, and say he knows roommate isn’t attracted to said guy or doesn’t want/need a boyfriend. There’s definitely an emotional dependency there. I know my husband has explained to me over and over how much he helps her and how important he is in her life.",Stress +30129,"If you were raped on a daily basis from infancy through adolescence then you should ""radically accept"" it. Check out the parts of Linehan's book where she explains how unconditional positive regard is a myth, nonexistent. The part where she explains about paradoxical intervention. That is where you manipulate and jerk your client around using head games and reverse psychology. Then there is radical genuineness.",Normal +30130,"1) They are considered a ""small business"". I know that small businesses are still required to follow ADA standards for customers, but does the same go for employees? I haven't really read anywhere about my rights except that I can't have FMLA. 2) I feel safer to wear a heavy coat at work, I know it looks unprofessional and my boss constantly asks me to take it off. Is it unreasonable that i request an ""accommodation"" to be able to wear it and is it considered harassment if I make them aware of why I'm wearing it and still ask me to take it off?",Normal +30131,"Whenever I have a reaction or meltdown, he always tries to give shitty advice like ""just think about the things you're grateful for."" I'm sorry, but in the therapies I've taken and in the books I have to help me, nothing *anywhere* says anything about gratitude and it tends to trigger me when he says this because it's what my narcy mom would say to me. I tried to explain this and asked him to read my books and he got mad at me because in his mind I was trying to tell him what to do and I was being ""ungrateful"" for his help. I told him how important it was to me for him to read these books because it would help me feel more understood, but he keeps coming up with excuse after excuse about why he doesn't want to read them. I just don't know what to do anymore.",Stress +30132,"I’ve started unearthing old albums; I’ve gone back to practising the drums regularly; I’ve been watching more movies and reading more books. Weirdly enough, I feel more in touch with the world. And what now? Will I continue along the road of abstinence? I don’t see any reason to jump off the wagon at this stage.",Normal +30133,"- Lastly, it may be perceived to imply that having a positive mind frame will solve problems. As I understand it, this is not the message, only that there are methods to help overcome negative thinking of which this is one, but there are no guarantees. To be clear, this is not intended to be a 'cure', nor do I know if it applies to everyone, understanding is an important to recovery/reducing anxiety. and for me it helped. Beneath I will post what I discovered and how this has helped me.",Normal +30134,We could make an arrangement where I occasionally ship you boxes of stuff. (PS I'm new to this subreddit and not sure how to ask for proof from you... I guess you could PM me a pic of your kid? Idk if that's weird. I'm happy to PM a pic of my kid bc he's super cute :),Normal +30135,"Leaving was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. My parents really disagreed with me taking time off from school, so as fall came, they spent every day trying to get me to go see if I could come back in the spring, and to get a job. Now job has always been a scary word for me, because my only job I've had is teaching people how to hit things beautifully (Percussion Private Lessons). I had come so close to interviews in the past, but I could never get myself to leave as the day came. This lead to my parents becoming more and more frustrated, and the only person I could seek refuge with, was Sarah.",Normal +30136,"While sitting on my normally-quiet front porch today, one of my unbelievably extroverted neighbors was carrying on the loudest conversation I've ever heard on a quiet street. Her conversation partners used a normal volume - she was the only one yelling words at the top of her lungs. I wanted to snap her clueless little head off. Or at the very least, tell her to shut the f$*( up. Grumpy?",Stress +30137,"She never messaged him back, but I asked her why she still had him on Snapchat. I only asked it because she had claimed to have deleted her ex's on social media. Whatever, that's a nice feeling and I'm glad, but at the same time it wouldn't really be an issue for me if she did still have them. Fast forward to last night... My fiance was acting all weird and put out so I tried figure out what was going on and what she was upset about.",Normal +30138,I have been trying to make plans recently and she keeps having things come up but i understand because i am doing it on kind of short notice. This last little bit after the break happened in about a 8 day span. TLDR: I am awkward and need some help with relationships. I feel like i ruined my chances with this girl and i am hoping i can fix it. I also may just be overreacting to things.,Normal +30139,"My friends and family don't understand why he is so jealous and controlling because they know when I'm in a relationship I'm faithful. Im ready to take him out of my life, but what should I do? When hes angry I don't know what extent he would go to. How should I handle it? Ignore him or communicate calmly so he doesn't get mad?",Stress +30140,"She's a real healer. She's beautiful in so many ways 🐰🥕 but it's just insane. I won't lie, she is the most expensive medication that I've ever had as she's already cost £2,000 ($2,654.510) (when I say medication, I mean that she's a therapy rabbit) but I do love her to bits. I'm actually thinking of getting another pet soon. My mum has said ""yes"" but she won't allow me to have another big animal as she has to sometimes help me with Alaska because believe it or not bunnies can sometimes be a handful.",Normal +30141,"Maybe kind of nauseous? Not in a normal nauseated feeling. Its more like that pit of my stomach, I'm about to get in big trouble, or I'm waiting for the cops to come pick me up or something haha. Like, it has that prickle in my spine to it. And that restlessness in my head.",Stress +30142,I don't live in the country anymore. She thinks no one will help her and has a hard time trusting people. She doesn't want to go to a shelter. I at least gave her the number for a bilingual support person from the ywca. My mom also wants my dad to pay for my graduate school degree.,Normal +30143,"Hi everyone, I'm giving writing a go to try and cope with my PTSD. I was recommended to start a blog on an app called Vocal, you get paid per 1000 views, but that doesn't really matter to me, it'd be a cool bonus though. This blog is for people who need someone to relate to, so maybe they don't feel alone anymore or that they feel as if someone can understand them. I've only started today but any support would be so appreciated, a blog is the only way of helping myself and helping others at the same time, I have one post up at the moment but I'm going to write as many as I can.",Normal +30144,"It was my 21st birthday and a couple of friends came into town. We went out for dinner and I had 2-3 drinks. Afterwards, we smoked a bunch of pot. I am a regular smoker, but I smoked a decent amount that night so I was quite high. We decided to take the tram back, and that's when things started to feel weird.",Normal +30145,"I am just sick of this being my daily life. Between the derealization and the hypervigilance and paranoia even on good days I still don't feel like a person - and that's not even touching the flashbacks and nightmares. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't find a shrink who I trust or who seems equipped to help with the particular symptoms I have, and that seems like my only option. What do I do?",Stress +30146,"I'm 18 and I'll be leaving home for the first time. At this point, you can see that my dad like to ""collect"" things but it not like our house looks like and episode of Hoarders (yet). Fast forward 18 months, I'm transferring to a college closer to home. Between traveling and not being able to find a job in the barely populated, conservative, town I was in, it was in the best interest. Also a key point, I changed my major from Veterinarian Bio to general Psychology since my hometown college didn't have vet bio.",Normal +30147,"I was in a rabbit hole of youtube videos over the weekend, starting off from music videos, then vine compilations, and then somehow fight videos. On one of the side videos, I noticed a video involving ""XYZ high school"" where my boyfriend attended. The video was actually pretty clear and my blood kind of ran cold when I realized one of the 2 kids in the video was my boyfriend. It was absolutely brutal. And there's no doubt that this was him.",Stress +30148,"There was this one guy I would see around a lot and he was good looking. But he was 18. I talked to him sometimes and he seemed to like talking to me, said I was cute. This made me happy at the time. One day we were at the park and he asked if I had a boyfriend I said no.",Normal +30149,"Husband, I wanted to do this amicably. We could have made it through this heartbreak to our mutual benefit. I was willing to give you everything in exchange for your helping me furnish a tiny studio apartment. The value of such furnishings pale in comparison to the value of the property I was going to let you keep in exchange for allowing me to break free smoothly. I was going to let you keep my puppy.",Normal +30150,We went home the next day. And now i fcking dont know what to do. My heart rate feels like it’s shaking the whole bed. Im dying. TLDR i got friendzoned at the beach and I cant take it like a man,Stress +30151,He said you better get a job by Friday or the homeless shelter. I'm thinking of going to stay at my cousins place who is supportive but it's a tad dirty but I'm considering just packing up my bag left clothes and going to stay with him. He also has my car and I'm not gonna try to take it back because he paid for my head so he gets my car. It's not worth much but still. Thank you for reading and I'm open to suggestions thank you Agian and I'm glad I got to share this,Normal +30152,"Any help is greatly appreciated, I'll be sure to pay it forward when i'm back on my feet. Thank you. Edit: removed bitcoin address, missed that in the rules. Sorry! Edit2: thank you so much",Normal +30153,"For those that have sought help before, is it as bad as I am imagining? Will I be taken seriously? I feel that because I put myself in that situation, I sort of don't deserve help if that makes sense. I'm not even sure this is the right place to post as I'm not sure it's even a possibility to get some sort of ptsd from something like this. Sorry for the rambling, and thank you for reading.",Stress +30154,"He apologizes if I point it out later, but the first instinct is always to blame me. And often the thing he's blaming me for is exaggerated, and made to look like a routine flaw in me, even if it's a once off thing. He doesn't hesitate to show his bad mood/displeasure (which applies to how he is around most people not just me, but I think it's worse when it's about me). He doesn't hide it at all even if we're around other people, so I have to be particularly cautious not to piss him off or bring up anything that could upset him in public. When he's upset/displeased in private, he withdraws and it's up to me to grovel and convince him to talk to me again.",Stress +30155,"After talking with my psych she made me realize that anxiety has been the route of my negative feelings and it was likely anxiety causing depression. Despite this, however, she never seemed to understand just how severe my symptoms were. I would try to stay calm and describe how i felt to the best of my ability, however it wasn't until she saw me have an anxiety attack over asking her a \_very\_ simple question that she finally understood the severity. She said I seemed to downplay how I felt, so I took this into account for future reference. Eventually I move on to starting antidepressants, citalopram to start off.",Stress +30156,"Hello. I have been on these support subs the last four months or so, and they have been so very helpful, thank you to everyone on her, and reading this. I have a situation where I am not sure what advice to give. My younger sister is twenty one years old. She has BPD or something much like it, and can become very emotional, begin panicking about the potential of abandonment, and threatening suicide, to cut of all her hair etc.",Normal +30157,"I've been suffering from anxiety and ptsd since I was 13, actively working towards recovery for the past three years. It's been up and down, of course, but overall I've made really encouraging progress. For the past six months I've been dating a really sweet guy, someone I think is worthy of my trust and good for me. We're both interested in being together long-term. This is the first healthy relationship I've ever been in, and I've been working really hard not to let past experiences and my own issues negatively affect our partnership.",Normal +30158,"I feel like I’m sabotaging our relationship. Making up scenarios to pick a fight and give us a reason to break up. I really don’t want to lose him. In the beginning, I was hesitant to go out with him but the more we hung out, the more I started to like him. Now that I know more about him and met his family, the more determined I felt to make this relationship work.",Normal +30159,"About Sean One thing that describes Sean best is his huge thirst for new experiences and knowledge. He would never sit still and was constantly trying to grow - waking up at 6am to go for a run, taking every opportunity to improve his Spanish and learning new skills while volunteering. A real nature lover; his biggest hero is David Attenborough and he would always serve us with the weirdest fun-facts about nature. He came across as the most positive guy, embracing life with all its aspects and trying to take the most of it.",Normal +30160,"I couldn't speak but finally managed to say, ""Bag, get my bag."" He was able to help me with my pills and touch me and talk to me enough that I came back. Now boyfriend is back to bed, and I'm assuming I'll be up for the rest of the night. I don't know what to do with this. This is scary stuff.",Stress +30161,"Hi Everyone! My aunt is currently helping out the bus service in San Andres Ixtlahuaca, Oaxaca. The bus that is used currently is over 10 years old, which is over the limit required by the Mexican Government. The pueblo do not have the funds to afford a new bus and are at risk of losing the most affordable option of transportation. The people are concerned with raising funds, and it would be amazing if they got help.",Normal +30162,"I am quite introverted and the broken friendship I had with my previous roommate made me feel very anxious, so I moved into an apartment on my own. I love living alone, but when I have severe anxiety attacks it becomes lonely and almost unbearable. I sometimes think so much that it feels like I am going crazy. I have terrifying thoughts and I make up scenarios in which I have some terrible condition, or I am dying. My parents know that I have anxiety, but never took it too seriously.",Stress +30163,He tells me he loves me with his smile and outstretched arms every day. I need to be a good mom for him. ​ Thank you for reading. I have been holding this in for so long and I guess I just wanted to be heard.,Normal +30164,"She has not once shown disappointment. When she sees me get frustrated, she lays next to me and holds me. Asks me what I need to relax. But it's becoming a self perpetuating cycle and I'm getting panicky that this is going to drive a wedge between us because she will start to feel that she doesn't excite me or satisfy me or whatever. Before anyone asks, the pipes all work.",Stress +30165,"This SUCKS, we're booking plane tickets next Wednesday and half of me is ecstatic but the anxious half of me is dreading it. I need to figure out how to calm all this anticipatory anxiety so I can just let myself enjoy my relationship, the excitement leading up to our trip, and even the trip itself (although I feel like once I'm there I'll be fine)! This is the same anxiety that has stopped me before, and I am NOT letting it stop me again. To anybody who's experienced this before, what tips or strategies can you give me to help overcome it? TL;DR- Very anxious about upcoming trip because I'm afraid of being trapped/away from the comfort of my home, to the point where it's affecting other parts of my life, how do I get over the anticipatory anxiety so I can enjoy myself?",Stress +30166,"I might be homeless soon, I have about 500 dollars in my bank account and I NEED to get out of Massachusetts. I am going to be a college drop-out in my 3rd year due to family reason instead of academics. After a lot of research, I am contemplating between Wichita, Kansas and Columbus, Ohio. I really just want a minimum wage job so I can have a bed and private bathroom. Afterward I can get my life together and start taking programming jobs again.",Stress +30167,"**I don't want to be anxious in drawing class. ** It's supposed to be my escape, my one place where I can do what I want and be who I choose. Instead it's turning out to be a trigger for anxiety. I refuse to drop my drawing class- I've already committed to trying to be an artist. What kind of artist doesn't take drawing in high school?!",Stress +30168,"All of this has made me feel really horrible. It has destroyed my self esteem and made me feel depressed, unlovable, worthless, responsible, etc. It has also had severe and debilitating impacts on my mental and physical health.",Stress +30169,"I know the rules say no self-fundraising posts but I thought this might be an exception. This is all going to MAPS Canada, a non-profit who's current goal is legalizing MDMA-assisted therapy. I thought this sub would be interested in supporting! This is the same ORG that is legalizing MDMA-assisted psychotherapy in the States with promising results. Link to page: ",Normal +30170,"Even when she hated me, I didn't hate her. There weren't enough good friends in my life for me to afford hating her, and there still aren't. I can't describe it. She and my mom were chatting at dinner (they're the talkers of the family), and the whole time, I was just glaring at her. She tried talking to me, and I felt my entire body physically tense, and I was just viscerally angry.",Stress +30171,"BACKGROUND: paul and i met 1.5 years ago on okcupid and hit it off right away. at the time, we were both in long-term open relationships with other people, so we fell into a pretty quick routine that involved seeing each other once a week for a meal or drinks and sex [the best of his life, allegedly]. About 6 months into it/the December before last, he and his partner of 8 years broke up, which sent him into a bit of a depression/naturally intense period of introspection. Independently/for unrelated reasons, my own longterm relationship also came to an end. Paul and I saw each other less but kept in touch.",Normal +30172,"He speeds up and tries to catch up to her, and continues to yell at her face. The girl turns around in pushes him out of frustration and can tell it wasn't meant to hurt him or anything. The guy reciprocates by immediately pushing her multiple times, and they were NOT soft pushes, and seems like he was trying to push her to the ground. Couple pushes in, I was in shock, by the fact that you could really be in a relationship with someone that is abusive or that physically hurts you, or maybe it was that moment, she found out who he really was. She got up immediately and walked the opposite direction, walking back towards me, and I try not to look at her but she was just devastated I can tell.",Normal +30173,"I have very little understanding of developing workout regiments to challenge my body with and could great use insight. I've tried reading the r/fitness wiki, for example, but I didn't couldn't make heads or tails of the information that was presented. If there's anyone here that can help, please do! Thank you for reading,",Normal +30174,"Accounts incredibly overdue. A life entirely unattended to, without organization or care. Chaos. I knew none of this. The man he presented to me was one of principle (honesty, loyalty, your word is your bond, etc), always ready to protect and serve in whatever way necessary.",Stress +30175,The father has one of the most notable family lawyers in Illinois working his case. Justine cannot afford a lawyer. She has followed through with her treatment for PPD and has had psychiatric evaluations and physical home visits to prove she can provide a safe and loving home for her child. For over a year Justine has been fighting merely for the right to even see her child. She's been issued Skype visits.,Normal +30176,"to me I feel like that is someone older than my current age dating an age that seems like a child to me.... I creeped her facebook and she appears to be a "" normal"" 23 year old...going out partying...saying things I would have found funny at that age but cringe at now.....and he did share with me that he supported her for the most part and so on...I asked if she had any "" life skills"" and his answer was "" not really"". What are people's thoughts on this? --- tl/dr...i'm creeped out by a man dating a woman 20 years younger even my last relationship was with a man 22 years older.",Normal +30177,"Hey, So I come from a middle class family and study far away from my parents for university (already scary for me as you can imagine). After going home this winter my parents dropped the bombshell on me that they are struggling to pay my tuition. The thing is, although we are not super rich or anything, my fathers work covers 80% of my tuition and housing, the reason that my parents are unable to pay is that my dad is fairly disorganized and let his expenses build up. My tuition is due this friday and I just called my parents and woke them up to inform them that its getting really serious now (my dad promised to make an arrangement with his friend to pay my tuition).",Stress +30178,"But then I'll get there and he'll drop the bomb that his GF is coming over and to be honest, it totally makes me want to bail early. It's just annoying to be invited to come over and thinking you're gonna have some bro time gaming and what not, only to get there have him drop the bomb that his GF is coming over and being stuck between either listening to 5th grade cheesy/cringeworthy convos or figuring a way to bail early without coming across as an asshole. How can I talk with my buddy in a polite way about the matter, that when he invites me over I'd prefer it to be bro time without coming across as an asshole or that I'm against his GF as a person which I'm totally not! Again, she's really sweet and he has every right to want his GF to come over to, I'm just tired of the surprise third wheel through the most goose bump inducing conversations and want some strategies how I can communicate with my friend that I don't like sitting through that. Thanks in advance!",Stress +30179,"* Her, a week ago: Precious, how are you? (I ignored her.) * Her, Jan 1: Happy year precious, happy year love for more years at your side we haven't lived much together but we will stay all our lives to live and it that stays to live. **You are one of the best people I have met in my life. ** You are one of the best people I have met in my life (she says this twice) that you have always been here for everything and you always will be.",Normal +30180,"I don't have the ability to cope with it anymore. I'm trying, but a lot of things are triggering me, and I'm shutting down at work, just finding the place I feel safest, and staying there for an hour or two until I feel like I can do something again. I'm tired of watching my back, tired of traveling to places I don't feel safe, tired of reliving that moment, tired of being triggered, tired of the stress, tired of anxiety and knots in my stomach, tired of irrational thought when triggered, tired of irrational paranoia. I'm exhausted and need a break, but know it won't be enough until I journey the long road through therapy. I'm not suicidal at all, just wishing this pain and misery would end, to have my life back again.",Stress +30181,"In case this is the first time you're reading this post... We are looking for people who are willing to complete some online questionnaires about employment and well-being which we hope will help us to improve services for assisting people with mental health difficulties to obtain and retain employment. We are developing an employment questionnaire for people with personality disorders; however we are looking for people from all backgrounds to complete it. That means you do not need to have a diagnosis of personality disorder – you just need to have an interest in completing the online questionnaires. The questionnaires will only take about 10 minutes to complete online. For your participation, we’ll donate £1 on your behalf to a mental health charity (Young Minds: Child & Adolescent Mental Health, Mental Health Foundation, or Rethink).",Normal +30182,Do you find this normal? They have a good relationship. Main problem I have is She will see her mom in a jail jumpsuit She will see other inmates and women behind bars The guards could be intimidating Is that ok for a 15 year old to see? Actually my daughter does not seem scared but instead seems excited and enthusiastic to visit. This is strange to me.,Normal +30183,"I was talking to my mom this morning and she said that about my sister. Her trauma was worse than mine but she didn't develop PTSD. (My mom has no idea I even had a traumatic event) I told her it's not that easy, and she said it just needs to be done. Now I am scared.",Stress +30184,"hi, how are you doing?",Normal +30185,i'm fine. how about yourself?,Normal +30186,i'm pretty good. thanks for asking.,Normal +30187,no problem. so how have you been?,Normal +30188,i've been great. what about you?,Normal +30189,i've been good. i'm in school right now.,Normal +30190,what school do you go to?,Normal +30191,i go to pcc.,Normal +30192,do you like it there?,Normal +30193,it's okay. it's a really big campus.,Normal +30194,good luck with school.,Normal +30195,how's it going?,Normal +30196,i'm doing well. how about you?,Normal +30197,"never better, thanks.",Normal +30198,so how have you been lately?,Normal +30199,i've actually been pretty good. you?,Normal +30200,i'm actually in school right now.,Normal +30201,which school do you attend?,Normal +30202,i'm attending pcc right now.,Normal +30203,are you enjoying it there?,Normal +30204,it's not bad. there are a lot of people there.,Normal +30205,good luck with that.,Normal +30206,how are you doing today?,Normal +30207,i'm doing great. what about you?,Normal +30208,"i'm absolutely lovely, thank you.",Normal +30209,everything's been good with you?,Normal +30210,i haven't been better. how about yourself?,Normal +30211,i started school recently.,Normal +30212,where are you going to school?,Normal +30213,i'm going to pcc.,Normal +30214,how do you like it so far?,Normal +30215,i like it so far. my classes are pretty good right now.,Normal +30216,it's an ugly day today.,Normal +30217,i know. i think it may rain.,Normal +30218,"it's the middle of summer, it shouldn't rain today.",Normal +30219,that would be weird.,Normal +30220,"yeah, especially since it's ninety degrees outside.",Normal +30221,"i know, it would be horrible if it rained and it was hot outside.",Normal +30222,"yes, it would be. ",Normal +30223,i really wish it wasn't so hot every day. ,Normal +30224,me too. i can't wait until winter.,Normal +30225,"i like winter too, but sometimes it gets too cold.",Normal +30226,i'd rather be cold than hot.,Normal +30227,it doesn't look very nice outside today.,Normal +30228,you're right. i think it's going to rain later.,Normal +30229,"in the middle of the summer, it shouldn't be raining.",Normal +30230,that wouldn't seem right.,Normal +30231,"considering that it's over ninety degrees outside, that would be weird.",Normal +30232,"exactly, it wouldn't be nice if it started raining. it's too hot.",Normal +30233,"i know, you're absolutely right.",Normal +30234,i wish it would cool off one day.,Normal +30235,"that's how i feel, i want winter to come soon.",Normal +30236,"i enjoy the winter, but it gets really cold sometimes.",Normal +30237,"i know what you mean, but i'd rather be cold than hot.",Normal +30238,i wish it was a nicer day today.,Normal +30239,that is true. i hope it doesn't rain.,Normal +30240,it wouldn't rain in the middle of the summer.,Normal +30241,it wouldn't seem right if it started raining right now.,Normal +30242,it would be weird if it started raining in ninety degree weather.,Normal +30243,any rain right now would be pointless.,Normal +30244,"that's right, it really would be.",Normal +30245,i want it to cool down some.,Normal +30246,"i know what you mean, i can't wait until it's winter.",Normal +30247,winter is great. i wish it didn't get so cold sometimes though.,Normal +30248,it's such a nice day.,Normal +30249,"yes, it is.",Normal +30250,it looks like it may rain soon.,Normal +30251,"yes, and i hope that it does.",Normal +30252,why is that?,Normal +30253,i really love how rain clears the air.,Normal +30254,me too. it always smells so fresh after it rains.,Normal +30255,"yes, but i love the night air after it rains.",Normal +30256,really? why is it?,Normal +30257,because you can see the stars perfectly.,Normal +30258,i really hope it rains today.,Normal +30259,isn't it a nice day?,Normal +30260,it really is.,Normal +30261,it seems that it may rain today.,Normal +30262,hopefully it will.,Normal +30263,how come?,Normal +30264,i like how clear the sky gets after it rains.,Normal +30265,i feel the same way. it smells so good after it rains.,Normal +30266,i especially love the night air when it rains.,Normal +30267,really? why?,Normal +30268,the stars look so much closer after it rains.,Normal +30269,i really want it to rain today.,Normal +30270,don't you think it's nice out?,Normal +30271,"yes, i think so too.",Normal +30272,i think that it's going to rain.,Normal +30273,i hope that it does rain.,Normal +30274,you like the rain?,Normal +30275,the sky looks so clean after it rains. i love it.,Normal +30276,i understand. rain does make it smell cleaner.,Normal +30277,i love most how it is at night after it rains.,Normal +30278,how come?,Normal +30279,you can see the stars so much more clearly after it rains.,Normal +30280,i really want to go to the beach this weekend.,Normal +30281,that sounds like fun. what's the weather going to be like?,Normal +30282,i heard that it's going to be warm this weekend.,Normal +30283,is it going to be perfect beach weather?,Normal +30284,i believe so.,Normal +30285,good. i hope it doesn't cool off this weekend.,Normal +30286,i know. i really want to go to the beach.,Normal +30287,but you know that california weather is really unpredictable.,Normal +30288,"you're right. one minute it's hot, and then the next minute it's cold.",Normal +30289,i really wish the weather would just stay the same.,Normal +30290,i do too. that way we can have our activities planned ahead of time.,Normal +30291,i would like to take a trip to the beach this weekend.,Normal +30292,a trip to the beach would be fun. how is the weather going to be?,Normal +30293,the forecast says that it will be warm on the weekend.,Normal +30294,so do you think it'll be perfect weather for the beach?,Normal +30295,it sounds like it will be.,Normal +30296,i really hope it doesn't get cold.,Normal +30297,"that would ruin things, i want to go so badly.",Normal +30298,"the weather in california is unpredictable, so you never know.",Normal +30299,that is true. the weather is constantly changing.,Normal +30300,it would be nice if the weather would never change.,Normal +30301,"that would be great, then we could plan things sooner.",Normal +30302,it would be nice to go to the beach sometime this weekend.,Normal +30303,what's the weather going to be like? i may want to go too.,Normal +30304,the weather this weekend is supposed to be warm.,Normal +30305,will it be good beach weather?,Normal +30306,i think it will be.,Normal +30307,it wouldn't be good if it got cold this weekend.,Normal +30308,"i want this trip to be perfect, i hope it stays warm.",Normal +30309,"this california weather is so uncertain, it's impossible to know what'll happen.",Normal +30310,i know. every day the weather seems different.,Normal +30311,i would love it if it wasn't always so unpredictable.,Normal +30312,"hello, may i speak to alice please?",Normal +30313,this is she. how's it going?,Normal +30314,i've been trying to call you all day.,Normal +30315,sorry about that. i was cleaning up.,Normal +30316,it's okay.,Normal +30317,so what were you calling me about?,Normal +30318,"oh, i just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tomorrow.",Normal +30319,"sure, what did you want to do?",Normal +30320,maybe we can go see a movie or something.,Normal +30321,that sounds like fun. let's do it.,Normal +30322,i'll see you tomorrow then.,Normal +30323,"hi, how are you. is alice there?",Normal +30324,speaking. what's up?,Normal +30325,why haven't you answered the phone?,Normal +30326,"my bad, i had chores to do.",Normal +30327,that's all right.,Normal +30328,what was the reason for your call?,Normal +30329,i want to do something tomorrow with you.,Normal +30330,sounds good. what did you have in mind?,Normal +30331,i was thinking about seeing a movie.,Normal +30332,"okay, let's go see a movie.",Normal +30333,until then.,Normal +30334,is alice available?,Normal +30335,you're talking to her.,Normal +30336,i've called you a hundred times today.,Normal +30337,i was busy doing something. i apologize.,Normal +30338,no problem.,Normal +30339,did you need something?,Normal +30340,do you want to do something tomorrow?,Normal +30341,is there somewhere special you wanted to go?,Normal +30342,how about a movie?,Normal +30343,a movie sounds good.,Normal +30344,have you seen the new girl in school?,Normal +30345,"no, i haven't.",Normal +30346,she's really pretty.,Normal +30347,describe her to me.,Normal +30348,she's not too tall.,Normal +30349,"well, how tall is she?",Normal +30350,she's about five feet even.,Normal +30351,"what does she look like, though?",Normal +30352,she has pretty light brown eyes.,Normal +30353,i may know which girl you're talking about.,Normal +30354,so you have seen her around?,Normal +30355,"there's a new girl in school, have you seen her yet?",Normal +30356,i haven't seen her yet.,Normal +30357,i think that she is very pretty.,Normal +30358,tell me how she looks.,Normal +30359,she's kind of short.,Normal +30360,what height is she?,Normal +30361,she's probably about five feet.,Normal +30362,"that's nice, but tell me what she looks like.",Normal +30363,the first thing i noticed was her beautiful brown eyes.,Normal +30364,i think i might've bumped into her before.,Normal +30365,are you telling me that you've seen her before?,Normal +30366,have you met the new girl?,Normal +30367,no. have you?,Normal +30368,she's one of the prettiest girls at the school.,Normal +30369,what does she look like?,Normal +30370,"well, she's quite short.",Normal +30371,how tall would you say that she is?,Normal +30372,i would say she's only five feet.,Normal +30373,what about her facial features?,Normal +30374,"she has light brown eyes, absolutely beautiful.",Normal +30375,i think i know who you're talking about.,Normal +30376,why weren't you at school yesterday?,Normal +30377,i wasn't really feeling well.,Normal +30378,what was wrong with you?,Normal +30379,my stomach was upset.,Normal +30380,do you feel better now?,Normal +30381,i don't really feel too well yet.,Normal +30382,do you want anything to make you feel better?,Normal +30383,"no, thanks. i already took some medicine.",Normal +30384,i hope you feel better.,Normal +30385,what reason do you have for missing school?,Normal +30386,i was sick.,Normal +30387,how were you sick?,Normal +30388,i had a stomachache.,Normal +30389,did it get any better?,Normal +30390,i'm still feeling under the weather.,Normal +30391,would you like anything for your stomach?,Normal +30392,i took something earlier.,Normal +30393,get better.,Normal +30394,why didn't you go to school yesterday?,Normal +30395,i stayed home because i wasn't feeling well.,Normal +30396,what was your problem?,Normal +30397,my stomach was bothering me.,Normal +30398,are you feeling any better?,Normal +30399,i'm still feeling a little sick.,Normal +30400,"i'm going to the store, would you like any pepto bismol?",Normal +30401,that's okay.,Normal +30402,did you hear the good news?,Normal +30403,"no, i haven't.",Normal +30404,i got a promotion at my job.,Normal +30405,did you really?,Normal +30406,"seriously, i am so excited.",Normal +30407,"well, congratulations.",Normal +30408,thank you.,Normal +30409,i'm so happy for you.,Normal +30410,really?,Normal +30411,yes. you really deserved this.,Normal +30412,you think so?,Normal +30413,have you heard my good news?,Normal +30414,you haven't told me anything yet.,Normal +30415,i got a promotion at work earlier this week.,Normal +30416,is that right?,Normal +30417,it's the truth. i am really happy.,Normal +30418,congratulations on your promotion.,Normal +30419,thank you very much.,Normal +30420,i am really excited for you.,Normal +30421,are you really?,Normal +30422,i'm serious. you deserved this promotion.,Normal +30423,is that what you really think?,Normal +30424,"i haven't told you what happened yet, have i?",Normal +30425,i haven't heard anything.,Normal +30426,"my boss offered me a promotion, and i took it.",Normal +30427,are you serious?,Normal +30428,"yes, i am really excited.",Normal +30429,that's great. congratulations.,Normal +30430,i appreciate that.,Normal +30431,you have no idea how happy i am for you.,Normal +30432,you look really nice today. ,Normal +30433,thank you. i just got this outfit the other day.,Normal +30434,"really, where did you get it?",Normal +30435,i got it from macy's.,Normal +30436,it's really nice.,Normal +30437,"thanks again. you look nice today, too.",Normal +30438,thank you. i just got these shoes today.,Normal +30439,really? what kind of shoes are they?,Normal +30440,these are called all star chuck taylors.,Normal +30441,i really like those. how much did they cost?,Normal +30442,they were about forty dollars.,Normal +30443,i absolutely love what you're wearing today.,Normal +30444,you do? i just bought this outfit a couple days ago.,Normal +30445,"seriously, it looks really nice on you. where did you buy it from?",Normal +30446,i bought it from the macy's at the santa anita mall.,Normal +30447,i really like that outfit.,Normal +30448,"thanks. i think you look nice today, too.",Normal +30449,thank you. i just bought these new shoes earlier today.,Normal +30450,those are nice. what are they?,Normal +30451,these are some chucks.,Normal +30452,those are great. how much were they?,Normal +30453,i got them for forty.,Normal +30454,i think that you look very cute today.,Normal +30455,is that right? this is a brand new outfit.,Normal +30456,what store did you get it from?,Normal +30457,i went to macy's and picked it out.,Normal +30458,i love your outfit right now.,Normal +30459,"well, i think you look nice today too.",Normal +30460,thanks. i found these new shoes earlier at the store.,Normal +30461,i think that those are some really nice shoes. what kind are they?,Normal +30462,these are chucks.,Normal +30463,your shoes look really nice. how much did you get them for?,Normal +30464,"tell me, what do you enjoy doing in your spare time?",Normal +30465,i enjoy drawing and painting.,Normal +30466,you know how to draw and paint?,Normal +30467,"yes, i do.",Normal +30468,when did you learn how to do that?,Normal +30469,i learned back in high school.,Normal +30470,"oh, so you took an art class?",Normal +30471,"yeah, i loved that class.",Normal +30472,i see that you're pretty talented.,Normal +30473,thank you very much.,Normal +30474,i wish i had a talent like that.,Normal +30475,what kinds of things do you like to do?,Normal +30476,i've always liked to draw and paint.,Normal +30477,i didn't know you knew how to draw and paint.,Normal +30478,i do it every once in a while.,Normal +30479,how long have you known how to do that?,Normal +30480,i first learned how to do it in high school.,Normal +30481,did you take some sort of art class or something?,Normal +30482,that was my favorite class.,Normal +30483,you have got to be talented.,Normal +30484,thanks.,Normal +30485,if only i was talented.,Normal +30486,are there any hobbies you do?,Normal +30487,"when i have time, i sometimes draw and paint.",Normal +30488,"oh, you actually do that?",Normal +30489,"every so often, i do.",Normal +30490,did you always know how to draw and paint?,Normal +30491,i was taught in high school how to draw and paint.,Normal +30492,you had an art class?,Normal +30493,"exactly, it was my favorite class.",Normal +30494,"well, it's good that you're so talented.",Normal +30495,i appreciate that.,Normal +30496,what's your favorite movie?,Normal +30497,my favorite movie is superbad.,Normal +30498,"oh, why is that?",Normal +30499,it's the funniest movie that i've ever seen.,Normal +30500,that's true. it is a very funny movie.,Normal +30501,you've seen it before? ,Normal +30502,"yes, i saw that movie the first day it came out in theaters.",Normal +30503,didn't you laugh through the whole movie? i did.,Normal +30504,me too. that movie brought tears to my eyes.,Normal +30505,mine too.,Normal +30506,i have it on dvd at my house if you want to come over and watch it.,Normal +30507,which movie is your favorite to watch?,Normal +30508,"i have to say, my favorite movie is superbad.",Normal +30509,is that right? why?,Normal +30510,"honestly, it is one of the funniest movies i've seen in a long time.",Normal +30511,you're right. that movie is hilarious.,Normal +30512,i didn't think you saw that movie.,Normal +30513,i went to see it the day it came out.,Normal +30514,i was laughing through the whole movie.,Normal +30515,"i couldn't help laughing, either. ",Normal +30516,same here.,Normal +30517,i bought the movie. would you like to come to my house and watch it?,Normal +30518,"out of every movie that you've seen, which one is your favorite?",Normal +30519,i'm going to have to say that superbad is the best movie ever.,Normal +30520,"you think so, how come?",Normal +30521,"well, superbad is super funny.",Normal +30522,"you're not lying, i found that movie absolutely hilarious.",Normal +30523,i didn't know that you saw superbad before.,Normal +30524,i made sure to be in line to see it the first day it came out.,Normal +30525,i couldn't keep from laughing throughout the whole movie.,Normal +30526,i was laughing hysterically the whole time; my stomach muscles hurt afterwards.,Normal +30527,that's exactly how i felt.,Normal +30528,what type of music do you like to listen to?,Normal +30529,i like listening to different kinds of music.,Normal +30530,"like what, for instance?",Normal +30531,i enjoy rock and r&b.,Normal +30532,why is that?,Normal +30533,i like the different instruments that they use.,Normal +30534,that's a good reason to like something.,Normal +30535,what kind of music do you enjoy listening to?,Normal +30536,i enjoy listening to all kinds of music.,Normal +30537,what kind?,Normal +30538,i like to listen to rock and r&b.,Normal +30539,why do you like that type of music?,Normal +30540,i like the kinds of instruments that they use.,Normal +30541,i think that's an excellent reason to like something.,Normal +30542,what is your favorite kind of music?,Normal +30543,i listen to various types of music.,Normal +30544,what genres?,Normal +30545,i enjoy listening to both rock and r&b.,Normal +30546,what interests you in that type of music?,Normal +30547,i enjoy the different types of instruments that they use.,Normal +30548,did you go to the basketball game on friday?,Normal +30549,"no, i couldn't make it.",Normal +30550,you missed a really good game.,Normal +30551,"oh, really? who won?",Normal +30552,our school did. they played really well.,Normal +30553,too bad i was busy. i really wanted to go.,Normal +30554,"yeah, you should have. it was really exciting.",Normal +30555,so what was the score?,Normal +30556,the score was 101-98.,Normal +30557,"man, that was a really close game.",Normal +30558,that's what made it so great.,Normal +30559,were you able to attend friday night's basketball game?,Normal +30560,i was unable to make it.,Normal +30561,you should have been there. it was intense.,Normal +30562,is that right. who ended up winning?,Normal +30563,our team was victorious.,Normal +30564,i wish i was free that night. i'm kind of mad that i didn't go.,Normal +30565,it was a great game.,Normal +30566,what was the score at the end of the game?,Normal +30567,our team won 101-98.,Normal +30568,sounds like it was a close game.,Normal +30569,that's the reason it was such a great game.,Normal +30570,i was meaning to ask you if you saw the basketball game on friday.,Normal +30571,"i wanted to go, but i couldn't.",Normal +30572,it was a great game.,Normal +30573,it's too bad that i couldn't make it. who won?,Normal +30574,our team played hard and won.,Normal +30575,i really wish i went to the game.,Normal +30576,it was the best game ever.,Normal +30577,so tell me the final score.,Normal +30578,"the other team lost by three points, 101-98. ",Normal +30579,it must've been a close game.,Normal +30580,what are you doing this weekend?,Normal +30581,i'm going to the movies with a friend. how about you?,Normal +30582,i'm not sure yet.,Normal +30583,"well, did you want to go see a movie with me?",Normal +30584,what movie are you going to see?,Normal +30585,i'm not sure yet. is there something you want to see?,Normal +30586,there's nothing i can think of.,Normal +30587,"so, did you want to go?",Normal +30588,"no, thanks, maybe another time.",Normal +30589,do you know what you're going to do this weekend?,Normal +30590,i am going to see a movie with a friend of mine. what about you?,Normal +30591,i don't know.,Normal +30592,would you like to see a movie with me and my friend?,Normal +30593,do you know what movie you're going to watch?,Normal +30594,"i don't know, but was there a certain movie you wanted to see?",Normal +30595,none that i can think of.,Normal +30596,"well, would you like to go?",Normal +30597,"thank you for inviting me, but i think i'll pass.",Normal +30598,you have any ideas as to what you want to do this weekend?,Normal +30599,i'm going to the movie theater with my friend. what are you going to do?,Normal +30600,i'm not quite sure yet.,Normal +30601,how about you see a movie with me and my friend?,Normal +30602,what movie are you and your friend planning on watching?,Normal +30603,not sure. is there a movie out that catches your eye?,Normal +30604,no good movies come to mind.,Normal +30605,have you decided whether or not you would like to go?,Normal +30606,did you go to school today?,Normal +30607,"yeah, i went to school today. were you there?",Normal +30608,"no, i didn't go, i've been sick.",Normal +30609,that sucks. did you want the assignments from english class?,Normal +30610,"that would be nice, thank you.",Normal +30611,"no problem, you're welcome.",Normal +30612,i will be glad to do the same for you when you're sick.,Normal +30613,have you attended school today?,Normal +30614,i attended school today. did you?,Normal +30615,i wasn't able to attend school because i was feeling ill.,Normal +30616,i'm sorry to hear that. would you like the assignments from english class?,Normal +30617,"i would really appreciate that, thanks.",Normal +30618,it's no trouble at all.,Normal +30619,"if you get sick, i'll return the favor.",Normal +30620,have you gone to school today?,Normal +30621,i went to school today. did you go to school?,Normal +30622,"i couldn't go to school today, i was sick.",Normal +30623,that's horrible. i'd be happy to give you the assignments from english class.,Normal +30624,"thank you very much, that's kind of you.",Normal +30625,don't mention it.,Normal +30626,did you hear the news?,Normal +30627,what happened?,Normal +30628,our cousin went into labor and had her baby last week.,Normal +30629,she did? why didn't anyone tell me?,Normal +30630,i would've thought that somebody would have told you.,Normal +30631,"no, i had no idea.",Normal +30632,"well, she did, her baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.",Normal +30633,"oh my god, that's great!",Normal +30634,are you going to go and visit her and the baby?,Normal +30635,i think that i might.,Normal +30636,good! i just thought i'd let you know.,Normal +30637,have you heard what happened?,Normal +30638,heard what?,Normal +30639,debrah already had her baby.,Normal +30640,i didn't know that.,Normal +30641,i thought you knew.,Normal +30642,i honestly didn't know.,Normal +30643,the baby was 8 pounds 6 ounces.,Normal +30644,that's good to hear.,Normal +30645,will you go and visit them?,Normal +30646,of course i will.,Normal +30647,i just wanted to give you the good news.,Normal +30648,have you heard the news?,Normal +30649,i haven't heard anything.,Normal +30650,debrah had her baby last week.,Normal +30651,nobody told me.,Normal +30652,i thought you heard.,Normal +30653,i really wasn't told anything.,Normal +30654,she was a cute 8 pounds 6 ounces.,Normal +30655,"wow, how exciting.",Normal +30656,"i know, you should really go and see her and the baby.",Normal +30657,of course i will.,Normal +30658,did you go to school today?,Normal +30659,of course. did you?,Normal +30660,"i didn't want to, so i didn't.",Normal +30661,"that's sad, but have you gone to the movies recently?",Normal +30662,that's a switch.,Normal +30663,"i'm serious, have you?",Normal +30664,"no, i haven't. why?",Normal +30665,i really want to go to the movies this weekend.,Normal +30666,so go then.,Normal +30667,i really don't want to go by myself.,Normal +30668,"well anyway, do you plan on going to school tomorrow?",Normal +30669,did you make it to school today?,Normal +30670,i always do. did you go to school today?,Normal +30671,"no, i didn't.",Normal +30672,"you should have, but have you seen any movies lately?",Normal +30673,that was an odd change of subject.,Normal +30674,"maybe it was, but answer the question.",Normal +30675,"no, not recently.",Normal +30676,i want to go to see a movie this weekend.,Normal +30677,what's stopping you then?,Normal +30678,i don't want to go alone.,Normal +30679,"so, will you be at school tomorrow?",Normal +30680,did you even bother to go to school today?,Normal +30681,"yeah, i went. did you go?",Normal +30682,"no, i didn't feel like it.",Normal +30683,"that's nice, have you been to the movies lately?",Normal +30684,"no, but that was a random change of subject.",Normal +30685,"it may have been random, but have you?",Normal +30686,i haven't lately.,Normal +30687,i would love to catch a movie this weekend.,Normal +30688,"so then, why don't you just go?",Normal +30689,i don't want to see a movie by myself.,Normal +30690,thanks for coming to see me today.,Normal +30691,it's no problem. i was really missing you anyway.,Normal +30692,i missed you too.,Normal +30693,why haven't you tried to come see me then?,Normal +30694,i've been really busy.,Normal +30695,doing what?,Normal +30696,working.,Normal +30697,"i would've come to see you sooner, but i've been busy too.",Normal +30698,what have you been doing?,Normal +30699,i've been working too.,Normal +30700,"well regardless, i'm very happy that you came to see me.",Normal +30701,i'm really glad that you came to see me.,Normal +30702,i had to. i was missing you a lot.,Normal +30703,i was missing you too.,Normal +30704,"so, why haven't you visited me?",Normal +30705,i've actually been busy lately.,Normal +30706,what have you been doing?,Normal +30707,i've just been working really hard.,Normal +30708,i've also been busy.,Normal +30709,tell me what you've been doing.,Normal +30710,"basically, i've been working too.",Normal +30711,"well whatever, i'm glad you came.",Normal +30712,i'm really happy that you came to visit me.,Normal +30713,i really missed you a lot.,Normal +30714,i've been missing you like crazy.,Normal +30715,i don't understand why you haven't come to visit me.,Normal +30716,"lately, i've been quite busy.",Normal +30717,tell me what you've been up to.,Normal +30718,i've really been working a lot lately.,Normal +30719,i've been pretty busy myself.,Normal +30720,so what have you been up to?,Normal +30721,i've just been working a lot.,Normal +30722,"hey, did you hear about jessica's party this weekend?",Normal +30723,"yeah, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.",Normal +30724,oh really? she gave me mine earlier today.,Normal +30725,"well, she'll probably just give me my invitation later on today.",Normal +30726,"yeah, so are you planning on going?",Normal +30727,i think so. it sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun.,Normal +30728,"it really does, i can't wait.",Normal +30729,what time does the party start?,Normal +30730,it starts at 8 o'clock.,Normal +30731,"oh, well, how many people has she given invites to so far?",Normal +30732,"i'm not sure, but i don't think she's given out that many.",Normal +30733,have you heard about jessica's party on saturday?,Normal +30734,"i've heard about it, but i'm still waiting for my invitation.",Normal +30735,really? i got mine from her this morning.,Normal +30736,i'm guessing that she's going to give me my invite today or tomorrow.,Normal +30737,"you're probably right, do you intend on going to the party?",Normal +30738,i want to. i heard it's going to be really fun.,Normal +30739,"i know, it does sound pretty awesome.",Normal +30740,"well, when does the party start?",Normal +30741,it's supposed to start at about eight.,Normal +30742,how many invitations has she given out?,Normal +30743,"i really don't know, but i don't think she gave out that many yet.",Normal +30744,has anyone told you about jessica's party coming up?,Normal +30745,i was told about it already. i'm just waiting for my invitation.,Normal +30746,is that right? i already got my invitation from her earlier.,Normal +30747,i believe that she will give me the invitation today.,Normal +30748,are you even going to go?,Normal +30749,"yeah, it sounds like it's going to be the best party of the year.",Normal +30750,"exactly, it seems like it's going to be loads of fun.",Normal +30751,when exactly does the party start?,Normal +30752,the invitation says it starts at 8:00 p.m.,Normal +30753,has she given out a lot of invitations yet?,Normal +30754,"hey, what's up?",Normal +30755,nothing really.,Normal +30756,i'm throwing a party on friday.,Normal +30757,i didn't realize that.,Normal +30758,you didn't?,Normal +30759,nobody has told me anything about your party.,Normal +30760,did you want to go?,Normal +30761,when does it start?,Normal +30762,at 8:00 p.m.,Normal +30763,i'll be there.,Normal +30764,i'd better see you there.,Normal +30765,what's going on with you?,Normal +30766,fine. what's going on with you?,Normal +30767,i'm having a party this friday.,Normal +30768,i had no idea.,Normal +30769,is that right?,Normal +30770,i didn't hear anything about it.,Normal +30771,can you go?,Normal +30772,what time?,Normal +30773,it starts at 8 o'clock.,Normal +30774,i'll go.,Normal +30775,i hope that i'll see you there.,Normal +30776,what's going on?,Normal +30777,not much.,Normal +30778,"this friday, i'm throwing a party.",Normal +30779,oh really? i didn't know that.,Normal +30780,are you serious?,Normal +30781,i haven't heard anything about it.,Normal +30782,can you make it?,Normal +30783,what time does it start?,Normal +30784,the party starts at 8.,Normal +30785,"yeah, i think i'll go.",Normal +30786,what's going on?,Normal +30787,"nothing really, you?",Normal +30788,i'm throwing a party next saturday.,Normal +30789,is that right?,Normal +30790,"yeah, are you going to come?",Normal +30791,"i'm sorry, i can't.",Normal +30792,why not?,Normal +30793,i don't really want to.,Normal +30794,"well, why don't you?",Normal +30795,i hate going to parties.,Normal +30796,"well, that's okay.",Normal +30797,what's up?,Normal +30798,"nothing, how about you?",Normal +30799,"next saturday, i'm going to have a party.",Normal +30800,"oh, really?",Normal +30801,you are coming?,Normal +30802,probably not.,Normal +30803,why is that?,Normal +30804,i don't feel like going.,Normal +30805,why not?,Normal +30806,i really can't stand going to parties.,Normal +30807,"i understand, i guess.",Normal +30808,what's happening?,Normal +30809,"not a lot, what about you?",Normal +30810,i'm having a party next saturday.,Normal +30811,that's nice.,Normal +30812,are you going to be there?,Normal +30813,i don't think so.,Normal +30814,is there a reason why?,Normal +30815,i just really don't want to go.,Normal +30816,how come?,Normal +30817,i don't really like parties.,Normal +30818,what's up?,Normal +30819,"nothing much, what's going on?",Normal +30820,i'm having a party this friday.,Normal +30821,"oh, really? that's nice.",Normal +30822,i wanted to see if you wanted to come.,Normal +30823,"this friday? sorry, i already have plans.",Normal +30824,doing what?,Normal +30825,i'm going to dinner with my family.,Normal +30826,"i really wanted you to come, but i understand.",Normal +30827,"yeah, maybe next time.",Normal +30828,i'll hold you to that.,Normal +30829,"hey, what's good with you?",Normal +30830,not a lot. what about you?,Normal +30831,i'm throwing a party on friday.,Normal +30832,that sounds like fun.,Normal +30833,do you think you can come?,Normal +30834,i'm sorry. i'm already doing something this friday.,Normal +30835,what are you going to be doing?,Normal +30836,my family and i are going to dinner.,Normal +30837,i was hoping you would come.,Normal +30838,i'll definitely try to make it the next time.,Normal +30839,i'd better see you there.,Normal +30840,what's going on?,Normal +30841,nothing really. how about you?,Normal +30842,"a lot, like the party i'm having on friday.",Normal +30843,"well, that's cool.",Normal +30844,will you be able to make it?,Normal +30845,i'm busy this friday. i'm sorry.,Normal +30846,what do you have to do?,Normal +30847,i'm having dinner with my family,Normal +30848,maybe you can come next time.,Normal +30849,i'll make sure and come to your next party.,Normal +30850,it was nice talking to you.,Normal +30851,why are you trying to rush me off the phone?,Normal +30852,i really have to go.,Normal +30853,why? i still wanted to talk to you.,Normal +30854,i have things to do.,Normal +30855,like what?,Normal +30856,don't be nosey.,Normal +30857,i'm not. i just want to know.,Normal +30858,"well, it's really none of your business.",Normal +30859,that's harsh.,Normal +30860,"i'm sorry, but i have to go.",Normal +30861,i've enjoyed conversing with you.,Normal +30862,is there a reason why you're trying to get off the phone so fast?,Normal +30863,i've got to go.,Normal +30864,i wasn't done talking to you.,Normal +30865,"i have to do some things, and besides, it's not polite to be nosey.",Normal +30866,i'm not being nosey. i'm just asking.,Normal +30867,i really don't think it's any of your business.,Normal +30868,that's not nice.,Normal +30869,"i apologize, but i'm getting off the phone now.",Normal +30870,i'll talk to you later.,Normal +30871,what's the rush?,Normal +30872,i have to get off the phone now.,Normal +30873,i'm not ready to get off the phone with you.,Normal +30874,there are other things i need to take care of.,Normal +30875,what is it that you need to do? ,Normal +30876,please don't be nosey.,Normal +30877,"i'm not being nosey, it's just a question.",Normal +30878,you don't need to worry about that.,Normal +30879,that was mean to say.,Normal +30880,"well, it was nice talking to you.",Normal +30881,it was nice talking to you too.,Normal +30882,we should really hang out again.,Normal +30883,that would be fun.,Normal +30884,where do you want to go?,Normal +30885,i think we should go out to eat.,Normal +30886,that sounds good.,Normal +30887,"all right, so i'll see you then.",Normal +30888,i'll call you later.,Normal +30889,"okay, i'll talk to you later then.",Normal +30890,see you later.,Normal +30891,i enjoyed talking to you.,Normal +30892,i enjoyed talking to you too.,Normal +30893,we should hang out some time.,Normal +30894,i think that would be nice.,Normal +30895,is there anything you would like to do next time?,Normal +30896,do you want to go out to eat?,Normal +30897,i'd like that.,Normal +30898,so i'll see you next time.,Normal +30899,i'm going to call you soon. ,Normal +30900,i'll talk to you later.,Normal +30901,see you soon.,Normal +30902,i had fun talking to you.,Normal +30903,it was really nice talking to you also.,Normal +30904,i think we should really do something sometime.,Normal +30905,that should be loads of fun.,Normal +30906,what do you want to do next time?,Normal +30907,would you like to go to dinner or something?,Normal +30908,"yeah, let's do that.",Normal +30909,"okay, until next time then.",Normal +30910,i'll call you so we can set that up.,Normal +30911,talk to you then.,Normal +30912,where do you live?,Normal +30913,i live in pasadena.,Normal +30914,where is pasadena?,Normal +30915,it's in california.,Normal +30916,is it in northern california?,Normal +30917,no. it's in southern california.,Normal +30918,is pasadena a big city?,Normal +30919,it's pretty big.,Normal +30920,"how big is ""pretty big""?",Normal +30921,"it has about 140,000 people.",Normal +30922,how big is los angeles?,Normal +30923,do you have a car?,Normal +30924,"yes, i do.",Normal +30925,what kind of car do you have?,Normal +30926,i have a honda.,Normal +30927,is it new?,Normal +30928,it was new in 2003.,Normal +30929,"so, it's pretty old now.",Normal +30930,"yes, it is. but it still looks good.",Normal +30931,do you take good care of it?,Normal +30932,"oh, yes. i wash it once a week.",Normal +30933,do you change the oil?,Normal +30934,do you have a girlfriend?,Normal +30935,"no, i don't. do you?",Normal +30936,"i don't have a girlfriend, either.",Normal +30937,why not?,Normal +30938,i don't know. maybe i'm not rich enough.,Normal +30939,girls like guys with money.,Normal +30940,they sure do.,Normal +30941,they like guys with new cars.,Normal +30942,i don't have money or a new car.,Normal +30943,"me, neither.",Normal +30944,but girls like guys who are funny.,Normal +30945,where are you going?,Normal +30946,i have to walk the dog.,Normal +30947,what kind of dog do you have?,Normal +30948,i have a little poodle.,Normal +30949,poodles bark a lot.,Normal +30950,they sure do.,Normal +30951,they bark at everything.,Normal +30952,they never shut up.,Normal +30953,why did you get a poodle?,Normal +30954,it's my mom's dog.,Normal +30955,so she likes poodles.,Normal +30956,can i borrow $5?,Normal +30957,sure. why do you need it?,Normal +30958,i want to buy lunch.,Normal +30959,where's your money?,Normal +30960,it's not in my wallet.,Normal +30961,your wallet is empty?,Normal +30962,i don't have even one dollar in it.,Normal +30963,being broke is no fun.,Normal +30964,even if it's only for a short while.,Normal +30965,it's always good to have friends.,Normal +30966,friends will lend you money when you're broke.,Normal +30967,let's go to the beach.,Normal +30968,that's a great idea.,Normal +30969,we haven't been in a while.,Normal +30970,we haven't been in a month.,Normal +30971,"the last time we went, you almost drowned.",Normal +30972,"no, i didn't.",Normal +30973,then why did the lifeguard dive into the water?,Normal +30974,i think he wanted to cool off.,Normal +30975,he swam right up to you.,Normal +30976,and then he turned right around.,Normal +30977,maybe you're right.,Normal +30978,are you married?,Normal +30979,no. i'm divorced.,Normal +30980,when did you get divorced?,Normal +30981,i got divorced two years ago.,Normal +30982,why did you get divorced?,Normal +30983,my wife left me.,Normal +30984,why did she leave you?,Normal +30985,she said she didn't love me anymore.,Normal +30986,wow! that's terrible.,Normal +30987,"yes, it was.",Normal +30988,why didn't she love you anymore?,Normal +30989,i'm bored.,Normal +30990,what's on tv?,Normal +30991,nothing.,Normal +30992,there must be something on tv!,Normal +30993,nothing that's interesting.,Normal +30994,what about that new game show?,Normal +30995,which one?,Normal +30996,"""deal or no deal""",Normal +30997,tell me you're joking.,Normal +30998,i love that show.,Normal +30999,i watched it once. that was enough.,Normal +31000,i like living here.,Normal +31001,i agree. pasadena is a nice city.,Normal +31002,it's not too big.,Normal +31003,and it's not too small.,Normal +31004,it has great weather all year long.,Normal +31005,it has the rose parade.,Normal +31006,it has beautiful houses.,Normal +31007,it has wonderful restaurants.,Normal +31008,it has great schools.,Normal +31009,it's close to the mountains.,Normal +31010,the people are friendly.,Normal +31011,we need a new mattress.,Normal +31012,what's the matter with this one?,Normal +31013,it's not comfortable.,Normal +31014,it seems fine to me.,Normal +31015,i toss and turn all night.,Normal +31016,you should stop drinking coffee.,Normal +31017,look at these marks on my arms.,Normal +31018,what are they?,Normal +31019,they are bites.,Normal +31020,did the cat bite you?,Normal +31021,no. the bedbugs in that mattress bit me.,Normal +31022,my laptop is so slow.,Normal +31023,buy a new one.,Normal +31024,i would if i had the money.,Normal +31025,why is it so slow?,Normal +31026,that's a good question.,Normal +31027,did you take it to a computer shop?,Normal +31028,i would if i had the money.,Normal +31029,"well, i guess you have to live with it.",Normal +31030,sometimes i want to throw it out the window.,Normal +31031,you don't want to do that.,Normal +31032,why not?,Normal +31033,what's for dinner?,Normal +31034,i'm not sure.,Normal +31035,how about a pizza?,Normal +31036,you had pizza for lunch.,Normal +31037,but i love pizza.,Normal +31038,everybody loves pizza.,Normal +31039,so why can't i have pizza for dinner?,Normal +31040,because you need variety.,Normal +31041,"what's ""variety?",Normal +31042,different things—not the same thing all the time.,Normal +31043,"you mean, like a pepperoni pizza instead of a cheese pizza?",Normal +31044,we need to save money.,Normal +31045,why do we need to save money?,Normal +31046,because we need to buy a house.,Normal +31047,but a house is so expensive.,Normal +31048,that's why we need to save money.,Normal +31049,how much do we need to save?,Normal +31050,we need to save enough for a down payment.,Normal +31051,how much is that?,Normal +31052,"that's about $30,000.",Normal +31053,thirty thousand dollars! that will take forever.,Normal +31054,not if we save every penny.,Normal +31055,the ocean is so big.,Normal +31056,you can't see the end of it.,Normal +31057,it goes on and on forever.,Normal +31058,"and it's deep, too.",Normal +31059,i think it's five miles deep.,Normal +31060,are there fish at the bottom?,Normal +31061,there are fish at the top and the bottom.,Normal +31062,are there more fish or more people?,Normal +31063,i think there are more fish.,Normal +31064,i'm upset with my mom.,Normal +31065,why is that?,Normal +31066,i warned her about her new boyfriend. she didn't listen to me.,Normal +31067,what happened?,Normal +31068,"i gave her $1,000 for her birthday. i told her to spend it on herself.",Normal +31069,that was very nice of you.,Normal +31070,i found out that she gave it to her new boyfriend.,Normal +31071,why did she do that?,Normal +31072,he said he would buy her a nice ring.,Normal +31073,what's wrong with that?,Normal +31074,he went to las vegas. he lost it all gambling.,Normal +31075,do animals talk to each other?,Normal +31076,of course they talk to each other.,Normal +31077,what do they talk about?,Normal +31078,they talk about other animals.,Normal +31079,what else do they talk about?,Normal +31080,they talk about food and the weather.,Normal +31081,do they talk about us?,Normal +31082,of course they talk about us.,Normal +31083,what do they say about us?,Normal +31084,they say that we are funny-looking.,Normal +31085,ha! we're not funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.,Normal +31086,i have to clean the house.,Normal +31087,"yes, it's very dirty.",Normal +31088,you can help me.,Normal +31089,why me?,Normal +31090,because you helped make it dirty.,Normal +31091,what do you want me to do?,Normal +31092,i want you to clean the bathroom.,Normal +31093,"oh, that's easy.",Normal +31094,"clean the sink, the tub, the counter, and the toilet.",Normal +31095,that's a lot of work.,Normal +31096,tell me when you finish.,Normal +31097,you're watching too much tv.,Normal +31098,what do you mean?,Normal +31099,i mean you're wasting your life.,Normal +31100,i'm having fun.,Normal +31101,you're sitting there with your mouth open.,Normal +31102,who cares?,Normal +31103,i care. do something.,Normal +31104,okay. i did something.,Normal +31105,what did you do?,Normal +31106,i turned up the volume.,Normal +31107,"that's not what i meant by ""do something.""",Normal +31108,did you write a letter to grandma?,Normal +31109,"yes, i did.",Normal +31110,did you tell her about school?,Normal +31111,i told her that school is fun.,Normal +31112,did you put the letter in an envelope?,Normal +31113,"yes, and i sealed the envelope.",Normal +31114,did you put a stamp on the envelope?,Normal +31115,i couldn't find any stamps.,Normal +31116,they're in the kitchen drawer.,Normal +31117,okay. i just put a stamp on the envelope.,Normal +31118,"give me the envelope, and i'll mail it for you.",Normal +31119,why are you yawning?,Normal +31120,i'm sleepy.,Normal +31121,why don't you go to bed?,Normal +31122,i want to watch this tv show.,Normal +31123,maybe you should record it.,Normal +31124,the tape recorder is broken.,Normal +31125,then you should watch the rerun.,Normal +31126,why? i'm watching the original.,Normal +31127,but you'll be asleep in about one minute.,Normal +31128,i'm just yawning because the commercials are on.,Normal +31129,okay. i'll tell you how the show ends.,Normal +31130,it's sunday.,Normal +31131,so?,Normal +31132,you know what that means.,Normal +31133,i forgot.,Normal +31134,sunday means we go to church.,Normal +31135,"oh, yeah.",Normal +31136,put on a coat and tie.,Normal +31137,why?,Normal +31138,to show respect to god and others.,Normal +31139,i'm glad sunday is only once a week.,Normal +31140,i hope god didn't hear that.,Normal +31141,did you feed the cat?,Normal +31142,i'll do that in a minute.,Normal +31143,the cat is meowing. he's hungry.,Normal +31144,okay. i'll feed him right now.,Normal +31145,you shouldn't make him wait.,Normal +31146,i was doing my homework.,Normal +31147,the cat doesn't care about your homework.,Normal +31148,the cat doesn't care about anything.,Normal +31149,that's the way cats are.,Normal +31150,all they think about is themselves.,Normal +31151,maybe we should get rid of him.,Normal +31152,i hate shaving.,Normal +31153,me too.,Normal +31154,i just cut myself again.,Normal +31155,did you use a new blade?,Normal +31156,"it doesn't matter. old blades cut, new blades cut.",Normal +31157,maybe you should use an electric shaver.,Normal +31158,"they make a lot of noise, but they don't give a close shave.",Normal +31159,maybe you should stop shaving.,Normal +31160,and grow a beard?,Normal +31161,sure. why not?,Normal +31162,because food and other stuff sticks in my beard.,Normal +31163,excuse me.,Normal +31164,yes?,Normal +31165,are you reading this paper?,Normal +31166,"oh, no. help yourself.",Normal +31167,i asked because the paper is sitting next to you.,Normal +31168,thank you. that's polite of you to ask.,Normal +31169,some people would just pick it up.,Normal +31170,"yes, i know. some people are rude.",Normal +31171,i always try to be polite.,Normal +31172,so do i.,Normal +31173,the world needs more polite people like us.,Normal +31174,"mom, i want a puppy.",Normal +31175,let me think about it.,Normal +31176,why do you have to think about it?,Normal +31177,because a puppy costs money.,Normal +31178,"no, it doesn't. puppies are free.",Normal +31179,"yes, but a puppy needs shots.",Normal +31180,shots for what?,Normal +31181,so it won't get sick. just like you get shots.,Normal +31182,i hate shots.,Normal +31183,and a puppy eats food. food costs money.,Normal +31184,no problem. i'll give him food off my plate.,Normal +31185,look at all these kittens!,Normal +31186,how many are there?,Normal +31187,eight.,Normal +31188,they're all so cute.,Normal +31189,"yes, but i can't keep them.",Normal +31190,what are you going to do with them?,Normal +31191,i'm going to give them away. do you want one?,Normal +31192,"yes, i would love one.",Normal +31193,which one do you want?,Normal +31194,that one. the one that's all black.,Normal +31195,"yes, i like that one, too.",Normal +31196,my parents go to church every sunday.,Normal +31197,they trust in god.,Normal +31198,they hope they will go to heaven.,Normal +31199,they probably will.,Normal +31200,but no one knows for sure.,Normal +31201,that's for sure.,Normal +31202,no one knows what happens after we die.,Normal +31203,"if we are good, we will be happy in heaven with god.",Normal +31204,that's what many people believe.,Normal +31205,"if we are bad, we will be unhappy forever in hell.",Normal +31206,i don't want to go to hell.,Normal +31207,my husband died.,Normal +31208,i'm sorry for you.,Normal +31209,thank you.,Normal +31210,when did he die?,Normal +31211,a couple of months ago.,Normal +31212,you still miss him.,Normal +31213,"yes, but i talk to him almost every day.",Normal +31214,when you go to church?,Normal +31215,"no, when i call him on his cell phone.",Normal +31216,what do you mean?,Normal +31217,i buried him with his cell phone.,Normal +31218,today is friday the thirteenth.,Normal +31219,that's a bad day.,Normal +31220,it's supposed to be unlucky.,Normal +31221,you're supposed to stay home all day.,Normal +31222,that's what i do.,Normal +31223,my friend stayed in a hotel on friday the thirteenth.,Normal +31224,that was a mistake.,Normal +31225,he stayed on the thirteenth floor.,Normal +31226,what happened?,Normal +31227,someone stole his laptop.,Normal +31228,he was asking for it.,Normal +31229,do you really love me?,Normal +31230,of course.,Normal +31231,prove it.,Normal +31232,how can i prove it?,Normal +31233,take me to dinner.,Normal +31234,that's it? that's all i have to do?,Normal +31235,"take me to a nice restaurant, not to mcdonald's.",Normal +31236,but a nice restaurant costs money.,Normal +31237,"yes, and you have to make a reservation.",Normal +31238,that's such a hassle.,Normal +31239,i knew you didn't love me.,Normal +31240,my parents are divorced.,Normal +31241,so are mine.,Normal +31242,why did your parents get divorced?,Normal +31243,my father found a new girlfriend.,Normal +31244,that's too bad.,Normal +31245,my mother was hurt and angry.,Normal +31246,she had good reason. what did she do?,Normal +31247,she told him to drop his girlfriend.,Normal +31248,what did your father do?,Normal +31249,he moved out of our house.,Normal +31250,i guess he really liked his new girlfriend.,Normal +31251,my grandma's apartment smells funny.,Normal +31252,so does mine.,Normal +31253,i think it's an old people's smell.,Normal +31254,really?,Normal +31255,"yes. i think when you get old, you begin to smell.",Normal +31256,like fruit that is too ripe?,Normal +31257,"yes, just like fruit that is too ripe.",Normal +31258,but the smell is different.,Normal +31259,"yes, old people don't smell like fruit.",Normal +31260,"no, they smell like a thrift shop.",Normal +31261,"yes, a thrift shop has that same smell.",Normal +31262,the price of stamps goes up and up.,Normal +31263,i think stamps used to cost a penny.,Normal +31264,that was a long time ago.,Normal +31265,it was before i was born.,Normal +31266,now a stamp is 42 cents.,Normal +31267,but in may it will be 44 cents.,Normal +31268,have you ever lost a letter in the mail?,Normal +31269,"no, i haven't.",Normal +31270,neither have i.,Normal +31271,"so, they do a good job for the money.",Normal +31272,"yes, they do.",Normal +31273,a button came off my shirt.,Normal +31274,what are you going to do?,Normal +31275,"first, i have to find the button.",Normal +31276,where did you lose it?,Normal +31277,i have no idea.,Normal +31278,a button is hard to find. did you look in your pant cuffs?,Normal +31279,that's a good idea.,Normal +31280,i found a button in my pant cuffs one time.,Normal +31281,"let me look. no, it's not there.",Normal +31282,many shirts come with an extra button.,Normal +31283,you're right. this one does have an extra button.,Normal +31284,i have to go to the bathroom.,Normal +31285,you drink too much coffee.,Normal +31286,but i love coffee.,Normal +31287,"well, it's your life.",Normal +31288,you eat too much chocolate.,Normal +31289,i don't think so.,Normal +31290,have you looked in the mirror?,Normal +31291,do you think i'm getting fat?,Normal +31292,i didn't say that.,Normal +31293,what did you say?,Normal +31294,i said i have to go to the bathroom.,Normal +31295,did you do the laundry?,Normal +31296,"yes, i did.",Normal +31297,what did you wash?,Normal +31298,i washed the sheets and towels.,Normal +31299,what about the pillowcases?,Normal +31300,"yes, i took them off the pillows and washed them.",Normal +31301,did you dry everything in the dryer?,Normal +31302,"yes, i dried everything in the dryer.",Normal +31303,then what did you do?,Normal +31304,i folded all the towels.,Normal +31305,did you put the sheets on the beds?,Normal +31306,do you listen to the radio?,Normal +31307,i listen day and night.,Normal +31308,what do you listen to?,Normal +31309,mostly talk radio.,Normal +31310,what's that?,Normal +31311,people talk about current events.,Normal +31312,what do they say?,Normal +31313,they say they want change.,Normal +31314,what kind of change?,Normal +31315,they want tax cuts.,Normal +31316,why do they want tax cuts?,Normal +31317,"mom, i'm hungry.",Normal +31318,look in the fridge.,Normal +31319,i'm looking. there's nothing to eat.,Normal +31320,are you sure?,Normal +31321,it's almost empty.,Normal +31322,i went to the market yesterday.,Normal +31323,i don't see anything.,Normal +31324,i bought lots of oranges and apples.,Normal +31325,i don't want fruit. i want something tasty.,Normal +31326,eat the fruit. it's good for you.,Normal +31327,"next time you go to the market, let me go with you.",Normal +31328,what is there to eat?,Normal +31329,i don't know. look in the fridge.,Normal +31330,i think i'll make a sandwich.,Normal +31331,what kind?,Normal +31332,a ham sandwich.,Normal +31333,the bread is in the cabinet.,Normal +31334,where's the mustard?,Normal +31335,"it's in the fridge, i think.",Normal +31336,"oh, yes, here it is. do you want a sandwich?",Normal +31337,"yes, that sounds nice.",Normal +31338,how about some potato chips?,Normal +31339,"it's time for your bath, young lady.",Normal +31340,"but, mom, i'm not dirty.",Normal +31341,you need a bath every day.,Normal +31342,why?,Normal +31343,because you don't want to smell bad.,Normal +31344,i don't smell bad.,Normal +31345,that's what you think.,Normal +31346,"if i smelled bad, i could smell me.",Normal +31347,i can smell you.,Normal +31348,"i can smell you, too.",Normal +31349,that's my perfume.,Normal +31350,something's wrong with my computer.,Normal +31351,exactly what?,Normal +31352,all i get is a black screen.,Normal +31353,what's the matter?,Normal +31354,"i think i know, because this happened before.",Normal +31355,what happened before?,Normal +31356,my hard drive crashed.,Normal +31357,"oh, no. that's bad news.",Normal +31358,"it sure is, but i'm going to call hp first, just to make sure.",Normal +31359,will you lose all your files?,Normal +31360,"no, i always back up my files.",Normal +31361,i called hp about my computer.,Normal +31362,what did they say?,Normal +31363,they said i need a new hard drive.,Normal +31364,that's too bad. how much is a new one?,Normal +31365,"it's not too much, only about $85.",Normal +31366,plus installation?,Normal +31367,"no, my hard drive is easy to remove and replace.",Normal +31368,really?,Normal +31369,"yes, it's just a couple of screws.",Normal +31370,that's nice.,Normal +31371,it's a lot better than paying someone $60.,Normal +31372,what's your email address?,Normal +31373,it's bluedog123.,Normal +31374,bluedog123. are you sure that's all?,Normal +31375,yes.,Normal +31376,no. that's incomplete.,Normal +31377,what do you mean?,Normal +31378,what's your mailing address?,Normal +31379,"456 cherry drive, pasadena, ca 91170.",Normal +31380,that's correct.,Normal +31381,so what's the problem?,Normal +31382,"bluedog123 is just the street. you have to give me the city, state, and zip code.",Normal +31383,i'm going to take a nap.,Normal +31384,you should unplug the phone.,Normal +31385,that's a good idea.,Normal +31386,do you want me to wake you in an hour?,Normal +31387,"no, thanks. just let me sleep until i wake up.",Normal +31388,i'll start dinner at 6:00.,Normal +31389,okay. i think i'll be awake by then.,Normal +31390,"if not, your nose will wake you up.",Normal +31391,you mean i will smell the food cooking?,Normal +31392,you might even dream about dinner.,Normal +31393,i don't think i'm going to dream about anything. i'm really tired.,Normal +31394,that was a nice funeral.,Normal +31395,"yes, dad, it was.",Normal +31396,the son gave a nice speech about his father.,Normal +31397,"it was long, too.",Normal +31398,i think it was about 45 minutes long.,Normal +31399,but it went by fast. it was interesting.,Normal +31400,i liked it.,Normal +31401,"i'll give you a speech like that, too.",Normal +31402,do you think anyone will come to my funeral?,Normal +31403,of course.,Normal +31404,i think only the family will be there.,Normal +31405,yikes! what was that noise?,Normal +31406,i had to blow my nose.,Normal +31407,did you have to blow right next to the phone?,Normal +31408,did you hear that?,Normal +31409,of course i heard that. i thought a plane had crashed into your house.,Normal +31410,it wasn't that loud.,Normal +31411,"i will blow my nose sometime for you, and you'll see.",Normal +31412,okay. i'll take your word for it.,Normal +31413,i thought you had an elephant in your house.,Normal +31414,you're funny.,Normal +31415,what did you say? i think i've gone deaf.,Normal +31416,i have lots of friends.,Normal +31417,really? how many do you have?,Normal +31418,"i don't know, maybe one hundred.",Normal +31419,that is a lot of friends. do you have a best friend?,Normal +31420,of course. i have lots of best friends.,Normal +31421,how many best friends do you have?,Normal +31422,i think about twenty-five.,Normal +31423,hmm. i have only one best friend.,Normal +31424,i feel sorry for you.,Normal +31425,i have only a few friends.,Normal +31426,you must be lonely. i will share my friends with you.,Normal +31427,don't you ever cheat on me.,Normal +31428,why would i do that?,Normal +31429,because men like to cheat.,Normal +31430,"some men do, but not me.",Normal +31431,i'm watching you.,Normal +31432,i'm an open book. watch me all you want.,Normal +31433,"if i catch you, you'll be sorry.",Normal +31434,"you won't catch me, because i love you. i'm not a cheater.",Normal +31435,i will poke your eyes out. ,Normal +31436,i don't want any other woman.,Normal +31437,"i will chop your toes off, one by one.",Normal +31438,i hate to go outside.,Normal +31439,me too.,Normal +31440,why do you hate to go outside?,Normal +31441,i meet too many jerks.,Normal +31442,i agree.,Normal +31443,this city is full of jerks.,Normal +31444,rude people are everywhere.,Normal +31445,but what can you do?,Normal +31446,you can yell at them.,Normal +31447,and they will yell back at you.,Normal +31448,yelling doesn't do any good.,Normal +31449,will you look at this form?,Normal +31450,are you having problems with it?,Normal +31451,i don't understand some things.,Normal +31452,let me help you.,Normal +31453,"what does ""mi"" mean?",Normal +31454,"""mi"" stands for middle initial.",Normal +31455,"what does ""mm/dd/yy"" mean?",Normal +31456,that means month/day/year. use numbers.,Normal +31457,i don't understand.,Normal +31458,"for example, if your birth date is january 12, 1987, write 01/12/87.",Normal +31459,oh. that's simple enough.,Normal +31460,let's go to the animal shelter.,Normal +31461,what do you want to do?,Normal +31462,i want to get a puppy for my son.,Normal +31463,that will make him so happy.,Normal +31464,i'll get him one of those little dogs.,Normal +31465,one that won't grow up too big.,Normal +31466,and eat too much.,Normal +31467,do you know which one he would like?,Normal +31468,"oh, yes, i took him there yesterday. he showed me one that he really liked.",Normal +31469,i bet you had to drag him away.,Normal +31470,he wanted to take it home yesterday.,Normal +31471,what's the weather like?,Normal +31472,i don't know. i just woke up.,Normal +31473,why don't you look outside?,Normal +31474,okay. it looks like rain.,Normal +31475,why do you say that?,Normal +31476,the sky is gray.,Normal +31477,is it raining right now?,Normal +31478,no.,Normal +31479,how do you know?,Normal +31480,the street isn't wet.,Normal +31481,i have to go shopping today.,Normal +31482,i can't believe how hot it is.,Normal +31483,it's not even noon yet.,Normal +31484,that means it will get hotter.,Normal +31485,i am dying from the heat.,Normal +31486,turn on the air conditioner.,Normal +31487,it doesn't work.,Normal +31488,what happened?,Normal +31489,i don't know.,Normal +31490,did you call the repairman?,Normal +31491,of course.,Normal +31492,when is he coming?,Normal +31493,i'll be glad when winter comes.,Normal +31494,why is that?,Normal +31495,because i love the snow.,Normal +31496,"yes, the snow is fun.",Normal +31497,last year we made a big snowman.,Normal +31498,how big was it?,Normal +31499,it was seven feet tall.,Normal +31500,how long did it take?,Normal +31501,it took us all day.,Normal +31502,did you give him a nose?,Normal +31503,of course. we gave him a big carrot for a nose.,Normal +31504,i'm going to the bank.,Normal +31505,what do you need to do?,Normal +31506,i need to withdraw some money.,Normal +31507,how are you going to do that?,Normal +31508,i'll just use the atm.,Normal +31509,what's that?,Normal +31510,it's the automatic teller machine.,Normal +31511,it gives you money?,Normal +31512,i just insert my debit card into the machine.,Normal +31513,and it gives you money?,Normal +31514,"well, it gives me money, but it's my own money.",Normal +31515,did you put the blue bin out on the street?,Normal +31516,"oh, no. i forgot.",Normal +31517,"well, you'd better take it out front.",Normal +31518,what time does the recycle truck come by?,Normal +31519,"it usually gets here at noon on tuesday, which is tomorrow.",Normal +31520,i'll just take it out to the street tomorrow morning.,Normal +31521,"oh, no, you don't.",Normal +31522,what do you mean?,Normal +31523,every morning you get up late and rush off to work late.,Normal +31524,do you think i'll forget to do it?,Normal +31525,"you'll remember to do it, but you won't have time to do it.",Normal +31526,are you ready?,Normal +31527,ready for what?,Normal +31528,ready for the big switch.,Normal +31529,what are you talking about?,Normal +31530,the nation is switching to digital tv.,Normal +31531,oh. of course i'm ready.,Normal +31532,did you buy the converter?,Normal +31533,"no, i don't need a converter because i bought a digital tv.",Normal +31534,how much was that?,Normal +31535,it was only about $120 for a 13-inch screen.,Normal +31536,does it pick up any digital channels?,Normal +31537,people are funny.,Normal +31538,they sure are.,Normal +31539,did you hear about the pilot?,Normal +31540,the one that stole a small plane?,Normal +31541,"yes, he stole a plane in canada and flew into the u.s.",Normal +31542,did they catch him?,Normal +31543,"yes. after two u.s. fighter jets followed him for an hour, he landed on a highway.",Normal +31544,did he crash?,Normal +31545,"no, he just landed the plane and walked to a restaurant.",Normal +31546,did the cops find out why he flew into the u.s.?,Normal +31547,his life sucked. he was hoping a fighter jet would shoot him down.,Normal +31548,the police need our help finding a robber.,Normal +31549,how do you know?,Normal +31550,the tv news is reporting a bank robbery.,Normal +31551,do they know what the robber looks like?,Normal +31552,"yes, he's 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, black hair, and about 30 years old.",Normal +31553,what race is he?,Normal +31554,they didn't say.,Normal +31555,the tv news doesn't tell us the race anymore.,Normal +31556,of course not. that would be racist.,Normal +31557,but how can we identify someone if we don't know their race?,Normal +31558,don't ask me.,Normal +31559,don't wipe your nose on your sleeve.,Normal +31560,but i don't have a tissue.,Normal +31561,then go find a tissue in the bathroom.,Normal +31562,i didn't have time to get one from there.,Normal +31563,your sleeves are not tissues.,Normal +31564,"but mom, all my friends use their sleeves.",Normal +31565,that doesn't make it right.,Normal +31566,i saw dad wipe his nose on his sleeve yesterday.,Normal +31567,i will talk to your father about that.,Normal +31568,i bet dad did it all the time when he was my age.,Normal +31569,your daddy was a good little boy.,Normal +31570,i'm worried.,Normal +31571,worried about what?,Normal +31572,i'm getting married.,Normal +31573,"you should be happy, not worried.",Normal +31574,"i am happy, but marriage is a lot of responsibility.",Normal +31575,"yes, you have to take care of your wife.",Normal +31576,and i have to take care of our children.,Normal +31577,are you going to start a family?,Normal +31578,yes. we want to have a little boy and a little girl.,Normal +31579,that sounds wonderful.,Normal +31580,except we can't afford it!,Normal +31581,i don't get art.,Normal +31582,or artists.,Normal +31583,they're in a different world.,Normal +31584,i saw a painting of a jar that was full of pencils.,Normal +31585,the artist said the jar was both full and empty.,Normal +31586,but it was full of pencils! how could he say it was empty?,Normal +31587,artists see things differently.,Normal +31588,did you ever see anything that picasso painted?,Normal +31589,of course! he's world famous.,Normal +31590,did he ever take art lessons?,Normal +31591,i can't believe it. i drew paintings like that in third grade.,Normal +31592,what's the point?,Normal +31593,the point of what?,Normal +31594,of living.,Normal +31595,"who knows? you live, and then you die.",Normal +31596,we must be here for some reason.,Normal +31597,maybe we're here to have fun.,Normal +31598,then why aren't i having fun?,Normal +31599,because you're thinking too much.,Normal +31600,so i should stop thinking?,Normal +31601,stop thinking about what the point is.,Normal +31602,okay. i'll start thinking about having some fun.,Normal +31603,beer is a powerful drug.,Normal +31604,so are cigarettes.,Normal +31605,which would you prefer?,Normal +31606,what do you mean?,Normal +31607,"when you die and go to heaven, they will offer you beer or cigarettes.",Normal +31608,i could pick only one or the other?,Normal +31609,"yes. nothing's perfect, not even in heaven.",Normal +31610,"boy, that's a tough one.",Normal +31611,"what's so tough about it? of course, i would pick cigarettes.",Normal +31612,but cigarettes taste much better when you have a cold beer.,Normal +31613,"well, you can't have everything.",Normal +31614,my pants have a hole in the front pocket.,Normal +31615,you shouldn't carry pens in your pocket.,Normal +31616,yesterday a pen fell through my pants onto my shoe.,Normal +31617,lucky for you it wasn't a sharp knife.,Normal +31618,who carries a sharp knife in their pocket?,Normal +31619,"criminals, of course.",Normal +31620,"anyway, i have to fix the hole.",Normal +31621,you can sew it up or use an iron-on patch.,Normal +31622,tell me about this patch.,Normal +31623,the patch has glue. the hot iron melts the glue so the patch sticks on.,Normal +31624,that sounds a lot easier than sewing.,Normal +31625,do you know any good jokes?,Normal +31626,i can't remember jokes.,Normal +31627,neither can i.,Normal +31628,they go in one ear and out the other.,Normal +31629,who makes up all these jokes?,Normal +31630,who knows? but there must be a hundred new ones every day.,Normal +31631,"yes, just in english alone.",Normal +31632,i wonder if every language has jokes.,Normal +31633,of course! people everywhere like good jokes.,Normal +31634,what do you think people joke about the most?,Normal +31635,i think most jokes are about women.,Normal +31636,you're very lucky.,Normal +31637,why do you say that?,Normal +31638,you speak two languages.,Normal +31639,"well, my english isn't perfect.",Normal +31640,no one speaks perfect english.,Normal +31641,maybe i will be the first!,Normal +31642,i've been thinking about learning spanish.,Normal +31643,spanish is easy. i'll be happy to teach you.,Normal +31644,how long will it take me to learn?,Normal +31645,i think it will only take you a year or two.,Normal +31646,how soon can we begin?,Normal +31647,do you know what today is?,Normal +31648,"yes, it's april 22.",Normal +31649,it's more than just a date.,Normal +31650,is it your birthday or anniversary?,Normal +31651,"no, it's earth day.",Normal +31652,what's that?,Normal +31653,it's a yearly reminder to take care of our planet.,Normal +31654,"oh, you mean like reuse things and recycle stuff?",Normal +31655,"yes. we need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.",Normal +31656,how about if i take shorter showers?,Normal +31657,"that's a good idea, because showers waste a lot of water.",Normal +31658,poetry sucks.,Normal +31659,i don't know anyone who likes it.,Normal +31660,"some of it is okay, i guess.",Normal +31661,"yes, the poems that rhyme and are easy to remember.",Normal +31662,"like ""one, two, buckle my shoe.""",Normal +31663,but people still write poems.,Normal +31664,no one makes any money at it.,Normal +31665,shakespeare was a poet.,Normal +31666,did he get rich from his poetry?,Normal +31667,probably not.,Normal +31668,poems are a little bit like songs.,Normal +31669,how smart are you?,Normal +31670,i don't know. i think i'm average.,Normal +31671,did you ever take an iq test?,Normal +31672,"no, i never did. all i know is that i got a's and b's in school.",Normal +31673,i wish i was really smart.,Normal +31674,don't be ridiculous.,Normal +31675,what do you mean?,Normal +31676,"if you're going to make a wish, wish that you were really rich or famous.",Normal +31677,don't you ever wonder what it's like to be super-smart?,Normal +31678,it must be very lonely.,Normal +31679,why's that?,Normal +31680,i missed the tv news last night. what was on?,Normal +31681,nothing that would pass as news.,Normal +31682,what's the weather going to be like this weekend?,Normal +31683,"i don't know. whenever the weather comes on, i switch channels.",Normal +31684,what was the lead story on the news?,Normal +31685,some actress was in court for driving without a license.,Normal +31686,what was the second story?,Normal +31687,some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.,Normal +31688,what was the third story?,Normal +31689,a bull chased a man in a supermarket.,Normal +31690,wasn't there anything about octo-mom?,Normal +31691,what are you going to do about your death?,Normal +31692,"well, mostly i'll try to avoid it.",Normal +31693,"i mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?",Normal +31694,my wife and i will be cremated.,Normal +31695,are you going to be buried next to each other?,Normal +31696,"oh, no. our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.",Normal +31697,you're not going to be buried?,Normal +31698,a coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.,Normal +31699,"yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.",Normal +31700,children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.,Normal +31701,"that's true. a cemetery is for dead people, not living people.",Normal +31702,did you wipe your feet? ,Normal +31703,"yes, of course i wiped my feet.",Normal +31704,then why is there mud on the carpet?,Normal +31705,i don't know. it's not my mud.,Normal +31706,"well, someone brought it into the house.",Normal +31707,look at the bottom of my shoes—they're clean.,Normal +31708,of course they're clean. you left all the mud on the carpet.,Normal +31709,"okay, i'll get the vacuum cleaner.",Normal +31710,don't vacuum it now.,Normal +31711,don't you want me to clean up the mud?,Normal +31712,wait till it dries. it will be easier to vacuum.,Normal +31713,what are you getting for your mom?,Normal +31714,what are you talking about?,Normal +31715,sunday is mother's day.,Normal +31716,this sunday?,Normal +31717,of course. it's all over the news.,Normal +31718,i thought it was next sunday.,Normal +31719,"well, you'd better get her something.",Normal +31720,i'll get her a nice card.,Normal +31721,is that it?,Normal +31722,yes. that's all i ever give her.,Normal +31723,"she raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?",Normal +31724,i don't like our flag.,Normal +31725,what's the matter with it?,Normal +31726,it's too much like other flags.,Normal +31727,"yes, a lot of flags have stripes.",Normal +31728,a flag should be pretty.,Normal +31729,what should our flag look like?,Normal +31730,it should have a pretty woman on it.,Normal +31731,that's ridiculous!,Normal +31732,you don't like pretty women?,Normal +31733,of course i do. but not on our flag!,Normal +31734,every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.,Normal +31735,i had a busy morning.,Normal +31736,what did you do?,Normal +31737,i watered all the plants.,Normal +31738,you have a lot of plants.,Normal +31739,then i did my laundry.,Normal +31740,that takes some time.,Normal +31741,i took the dog for a walk.,Normal +31742,i'll bet he enjoyed his walk.,Normal +31743,i vacuumed the entire house.,Normal +31744,that's a lot of work.,Normal +31745,and then i made lunch.,Normal +31746,i don't have long distance service with my home phone.,Normal +31747,so how do you make long distance calls?,Normal +31748,i use a calling card.,Normal +31749,where do you get that?,Normal +31750,i buy it at the dollar store.,Normal +31751,how much is it?,Normal +31752,it's one dollar for 100 minutes.,Normal +31753,that's only a penny a minute!,Normal +31754,it's a great price. but you have to dial a lot of numbers.,Normal +31755,how many?,Normal +31756,"first you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.",Normal +31757,do you go to college?,Normal +31758,"yes, i do.",Normal +31759,what college do you go to?,Normal +31760,i go to pasadena city college.,Normal +31761,do you like it?,Normal +31762,"oh, yes, i really like it.",Normal +31763,why do you like it?,Normal +31764,because it has great teachers.,Normal +31765,what else?,Normal +31766,"i like all my classmates, too.",Normal +31767,anything else?,Normal +31768,i lost my new pen.,Normal +31769,where did you lose it?,Normal +31770,i don't know.,Normal +31771,when did you lose it?,Normal +31772,i think i lost it today. i used it yesterday.,Normal +31773,did you check all your pockets?,Normal +31774,i checked all my pockets.,Normal +31775,did you look in your desk?,Normal +31776,"yes. it isn't there, either.",Normal +31777,it's probably around somewhere.,Normal +31778,"oh, well, it only cost me a dollar.",Normal +31779,gravity is very important.,Normal +31780,what is gravity?,Normal +31781,it's the force that pulls everything down.,Normal +31782,i don't understand.,Normal +31783,"if you pour water into a glass, the water goes down into the glass.",Normal +31784,of course it does.,Normal +31785,"without gravity, the water would go up.",Normal +31786,you're joking.,Normal +31787,"without gravity, you would go up.",Normal +31788,what do you mean?,Normal +31789,you would float into the sky like a balloon.,Normal +31790,i can't read my book.,Normal +31791,turn on the light.,Normal +31792,the light is on.,Normal +31793,open the book.,Normal +31794,the book is open.,Normal +31795,see an eye doctor.,Normal +31796,that's what i need to do.,Normal +31797,he'll give you a prescription for glasses.,Normal +31798,i'll make an appointment tomorrow.,Normal +31799,i'll get the yellow pages for an eye doctor.,Normal +31800,read the phone number to me.,Normal +31801,what do you need for school?,Normal +31802,i need pencils.,Normal +31803,anything else?,Normal +31804,i need a notebook.,Normal +31805,do you need a pen?,Normal +31806,no. i already have a pen.,Normal +31807,do you need a calculator?,Normal +31808,no. the teacher doesn't permit calculators.,Normal +31809,how about a dictionary?,Normal +31810,"no, we have a big dictionary in the classroom.",Normal +31811,"well, i guess that's it.",Normal +31812,i like this magazine.,Normal +31813,so do i.,Normal +31814,"i read it once, and i subscribed.",Normal +31815,it gives you all the news.,Normal +31816,all the news in only 50 pages.,Normal +31817,i like the political cartoons.,Normal +31818,i like the beautiful photos of the houses for sale.,Normal +31819,i always read the film reviews.,Normal +31820,i never miss the food and drink section.,Normal +31821,i gave a subscription to my parents.,Normal +31822,me too. they canceled their other news magazines.,Normal +31823,my pen is out of ink.,Normal +31824,shake it a couple of times.,Normal +31825,i shook it. there is no more ink.,Normal +31826,you can borrow mine.,Normal +31827,thank you. i'll buy a new one tomorrow.,Normal +31828,what were you doing?,Normal +31829,i was writing a letter.,Normal +31830,who were you writing to?,Normal +31831,it's to my mom.,Normal +31832,tell her i said hello.,Normal +31833,okay. i'll return your pen when i'm done.,Normal +31834,have you done your homework?,Normal +31835,not yet.,Normal +31836,then why are you watching tv?,Normal +31837,this is my favorite show.,Normal +31838,go do your homework.,Normal +31839,"but, mom!",Normal +31840,you can watch tv after you do your homework.,Normal +31841,but the show will be over.,Normal +31842,there will be another show next week.,Normal +31843,please?,Normal +31844,you know the rules.,Normal +31845,i can't wait until i graduate.,Normal +31846,me too.,Normal +31847,no more homework.,Normal +31848,i hate homework.,Normal +31849,are you going to college?,Normal +31850,i can't afford it.,Normal +31851,me neither.,Normal +31852,so what are you going to do?,Normal +31853,i'm joining the army.,Normal +31854,you're kidding. you might get killed.,Normal +31855,"i don't think so. after i finish, i'll have enough money to go to college.",Normal +31856,what is your major?,Normal +31857,english.,Normal +31858,what are you going to do with an english major?,Normal +31859,i'm going to be a teacher.,Normal +31860,high school or middle school?,Normal +31861,high school.,Normal +31862,i teach high school english.,Normal +31863,i didn't know that.,Normal +31864,i started teaching five years ago.,Normal +31865,how do you like it?,Normal +31866,do you see all this gray hair? it was totally black five years ago.,Normal +31867,parking at school is impossible.,Normal +31868,i'll say.,Normal +31869,i drove around for half an hour.,Normal +31870,did you find a spot?,Normal +31871,"i found a spot, but someone cut in and took it from me.",Normal +31872,did you yell at them?,Normal +31873,"yes, i did.",Normal +31874,and?,Normal +31875,and he yelled back at me.,Normal +31876,how rude.,Normal +31877,but i got lucky a few minutes later.,Normal +31878,this is a huge library.,Normal +31879,"yes, it has lots of rooms and lots of space.",Normal +31880,and lots of books.,Normal +31881,and lots of thieves.,Normal +31882,what do you mean?,Normal +31883,"i mean, keep your belongings close to you.",Normal +31884,the only thing in my backpack is used books.,Normal +31885,but thieves don't know that.,Normal +31886,they might think that i've got an ipod or laptop in there.,Normal +31887,now you're thinking.,Normal +31888,you'd think a library would be safe from thieves.,Normal +31889,how good is your math?,Normal +31890,i can add two and two.,Normal +31891,so you're not very good at math?,Normal +31892,i'm terrible at math.,Normal +31893,"well, i need some help.",Normal +31894,with what?,Normal +31895,i'm taking a math course in school.,Normal +31896,"well, you should ask your teacher or your classmates for help.",Normal +31897,i can't do that.,Normal +31898,why not?,Normal +31899,they might think i'm stupid.,Normal +31900,do you believe in god?,Normal +31901,of course.,Normal +31902,do you pray to god?,Normal +31903,occasionally.,Normal +31904,when's that?,Normal +31905,when i need something.,Normal +31906,like what?,Normal +31907,"well, if i have a big test at school.",Normal +31908,does god answer your prayers?,Normal +31909,"yes, i've passed all my tests.",Normal +31910,do you ever pray for money?,Normal +31911,the cops finally found the husband.,Normal +31912,what husband?,Normal +31913,the husband of the driver who ran over two college students at 3 a.m.,Normal +31914,"oh, yeah. the girl died instantly, and the boy is still in the hospital.",Normal +31915,the husband said he tried to help the boy.,Normal +31916,"yes, he pushed him off the hood of the car.",Normal +31917,"no, he said he gently placed the boy on the street.",Normal +31918,so what? they still drove off.,Normal +31919,the husband said a fire department was nearby.,Normal +31920,so what? did he dial 911?,Normal +31921,"he said he was thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.",Normal +31922,i don't like riding the bus.,Normal +31923,why not?,Normal +31924,the seats and windows are dirty.,Normal +31925,don't they clean the bus every night?,Normal +31926,i think they do.,Normal +31927,you should bring some wipes with you.,Normal +31928,that's a good idea.,Normal +31929,then you can wipe your seat and window.,Normal +31930,people will think i'm strange.,Normal +31931,who cares? everyone is strange.,Normal +31932,that's for sure.,Normal +31933,i don't like riding the bus.,Normal +31934,why not?,Normal +31935,"number one, it's too slow.",Normal +31936,you're right. a car is faster.,Normal +31937,"number two, it's usually late.",Normal +31938,you're right. the buses are never on time.,Normal +31939,"number three, it doesn't run 24 hours.",Normal +31940,you're right. buses don't run late at night.,Normal +31941,"number four, it's too crowded.",Normal +31942,you're right. you have to stand in the aisle.,Normal +31943,"number five, it's unsafe.",Normal +31944,we had a problem at school.,Normal +31945,what was the problem?,Normal +31946,someone cut the tires.,Normal +31947,what tires?,Normal +31948,the tires on the cars.,Normal +31949,where were the cars?,Normal +31950,they were in the student parking lot.,Normal +31951,how many tires were cut?,Normal +31952,one or two tires were cut on each car.,Normal +31953,how many cars?,Normal +31954,eleven cars.,Normal +31955,life isn't fair.,Normal +31956,it sure isn't.,Normal +31957,i got a ticket yesterday.,Normal +31958,what for?,Normal +31959,i was crossing the street.,Normal +31960,were you in a crosswalk?,Normal +31961,"yes, but the red hand was blinking.",Normal +31962,so? that's a ticket?,Normal +31963,"yes, it's a $140 ticket.",Normal +31964,that's not right!,Normal +31965,"when i started to cross the street, the white walk sign was blinking.",Normal +31966,you're driving too fast.,Normal +31967,why do you say that?,Normal +31968,the speed limit is 65.,Normal +31969,i know that.,Normal +31970,but you're doing 75.,Normal +31971,so is everyone else.,Normal +31972,but a cop might stop you.,Normal +31973,"no, he won't. some cars are doing 85.",Normal +31974,so the cop will stop those cars?,Normal +31975,of course. he stops the fastest cars.,Normal +31976,my friend got a ticket for doing 75.,Normal +31977,remember to put air in your tires.,Normal +31978,how often do i have to do that?,Normal +31979,once every two months.,Normal +31980,that's a lot.,Normal +31981,what do you mean?,Normal +31982,that's six times a year!,Normal +31983,"yes, and it takes about five minutes each time.",Normal +31984,i'll try.,Normal +31985,check your tires or you'll get a flat.,Normal +31986,oh. that's not good.,Normal +31987,"no, it isn't. a flat costs you time and money.",Normal +31988,you're driving too fast.,Normal +31989,i'm in a hurry.,Normal +31990,don't ever be in a hurry.,Normal +31991,it's not my fault. you didn't wake me up.,Normal +31992,that's not my fault. you didn't tell me to wake you up.,Normal +31993,"well, i meant to.",Normal +31994,don't ever be in a hurry when you're driving.,Normal +31995,why not?,Normal +31996,because you'll have an accident. most accidents are because people are in a hurry.,Normal +31997,how do you know that?,Normal +31998,i read a lot.,Normal +31999,let's go for a ride.,Normal +32000,where are we going?,Normal +32001,into the mountains.,Normal +32002,that sounds nice.,Normal +32003,i want to show you my new car.,Normal +32004,you bought a new car?,Normal +32005,yes. i bought a cadillac.,Normal +32006,a luxury car.,Normal +32007,luxury plus speed.,Normal +32008,what are we waiting for?,Normal +32009,let me get the keys.,Normal +32010,i have to go to the bathroom.,Normal +32011,why didn't you go before we left?,Normal +32012,"i did, but i have to go again.",Normal +32013,"well, hold on a little longer.",Normal +32014,i think i'm going to explode.,Normal +32015,just hold on.,Normal +32016,oh! don't hit any more bumps!,Normal +32017,we'll be at mcdonald's in just a few minutes.,Normal +32018,i hope they are fast minutes.,Normal +32019,think about something else. think about a hamburger.,Normal +32020,"i'm thinking, but i still have to go.",Normal +32021,where's the car?,Normal +32022,what do you mean?,Normal +32023,the car isn't here.,Normal +32024,where did you park it?,Normal +32025,i parked it right here.,Normal +32026,are you sure?,Normal +32027,yes. i remember this big tree.,Normal +32028,maybe it's the wrong tree.,Normal +32029,"no, this is the tree.",Normal +32030,did someone steal it?,Normal +32031,i sure hope not.,Normal +32032,look at this traffic.,Normal +32033,i'd rather not.,Normal +32034,it gets worse every year.,Normal +32035,why are you complaining? we're going almost 20 miles an hour.,Normal +32036,the speed limit is 65!,Normal +32037,"well, that's between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.",Normal +32038,where are all these people going?,Normal +32039,they're all asking the same question.,Normal +32040,when are they going to fix this problem?,Normal +32041,they said they need more money.,Normal +32042,they always need more money.,Normal +32043,did you see that car?,Normal +32044,"yes, he went through the red light.",Normal +32045,can we call the police?,Normal +32046,"no, the police don't care.",Normal +32047,why not?,Normal +32048,they have to see it happen.,Normal +32049,they don't believe us?,Normal +32050,no. they can only give a ticket if they see it happen.,Normal +32051,"so, what do we do?",Normal +32052,we don't do anything.,Normal +32053,maybe we should honk the horn next time.,Normal +32054,my car is dirty.,Normal +32055,why don't you wash it?,Normal +32056,that's what i'm going to do.,Normal +32057,are you going to wash it yourself?,Normal +32058,of course. it's not a hard job.,Normal +32059,i'll help you.,Normal +32060,"okay, i'll get a bucket.",Normal +32061,i'll rinse the car first.,Normal +32062,then we can scrub it with a wet sponge and soap.,Normal +32063,"after that, we can dry it with a towel.",Normal +32064,then it will look like new,Normal +32065,it sure is windy today.,Normal +32066,paper is flying everywhere.,Normal +32067,this wind is dangerous for drivers.,Normal +32068,especially for drivers of big trucks.,Normal +32069,the wind blows those trucks over.,Normal +32070,"it blows trees over, too.",Normal +32071,a tree fell onto my dad's car.,Normal +32072,was there much damage?,Normal +32073,my dad had to buy a new car.,Normal +32074,wow! that's terrible.,Normal +32075,never park your car under a tree.,Normal +32076,when are we going to stop?,Normal +32077,we'll stop at the next mcdonald's.,Normal +32078,how far away is that?,Normal +32079,i think we'll be there in half an hour.,Normal +32080,i hope so. i have to go to the bathroom.,Normal +32081,"well, i can always pull over.",Normal +32082,"no, thank you, i'll just wait.",Normal +32083,we can kill two birds with one stone.,Normal +32084,what do you mean?,Normal +32085,"while you're using the bathroom, i'll order some food.",Normal +32086,don't order for me. i'm not hungry.,Normal +32087,this is such a long light.,Normal +32088,look how many cars are waiting in line.,Normal +32089,they need a left-turn arrow.,Normal +32090,only two cars can make a left turn every three or four minutes.,Normal +32091,we'll be here forever.,Normal +32092,get out of this lane.,Normal +32093,but we need to turn left.,Normal +32094,forget it. go straight.,Normal +32095,then what?,Normal +32096,then we'll just make a u-turn.,Normal +32097,and then we can turn right at the light.,Normal +32098,i need a cheap car.,Normal +32099,how much money do you have?,Normal +32100,"$1,000.",Normal +32101,"well, that should get you something.",Normal +32102,but i need something that's reliable.,Normal +32103,you need a car with low mileage.,Normal +32104,a car that was owned by a little old lady.,Normal +32105,where have you looked?,Normal +32106,i haven't looked anywhere yet.,Normal +32107,why not?,Normal +32108,because i'll never find one for such a low price.,Normal +32109,"good afternoon, officer.",Normal +32110,"your driver's license and registration, please.",Normal +32111,here you go.,Normal +32112,do you know why i pulled you over?,Normal +32113,i have no idea. all of a sudden i heard your siren.,Normal +32114,you rolled through that stop sign back there.,Normal +32115,but i stopped!,Normal +32116,"no, you didn't. you slowed down, but you didn't come to a full stop.",Normal +32117,"well, nobody else does, so why should i?",Normal +32118,that's not the attitude of a good driver.,Normal +32119,but i am a good driver. i've never had a ticket in my life.,Normal +32120,$140. i can't believe it.,Normal +32121,what are you talking about?,Normal +32122,i got a ticket downtown for $140.,Normal +32123,were you speeding?,Normal +32124,"no, i was crossing the street.",Normal +32125,were you jaywalking?,Normal +32126,"no, i was in the crosswalk.",Normal +32127,so why did you get a ticket?,Normal +32128,the officer said the red hand was blinking.,Normal +32129,was it blinking when you entered the crosswalk?,Normal +32130,"no, the white walk sign was blinking.",Normal +32131,they were in a crosswalk near school at 3 a.m.,Normal +32132,who?,Normal +32133,two students from usc.,Normal +32134,what happened?,Normal +32135,"a speeding car ran a red light, killing the girl.",Normal +32136,what happened to the other student?,Normal +32137,he landed on the hood of the car.,Normal +32138,did he get off the hood?,Normal +32139,"no, the car stopped and the passenger pushed the injured student off the hood.",Normal +32140,i'll bet the car continued on its way.,Normal +32141,of course it did. why stop after you've run over two people?,Normal +32142,what happened to your car?,Normal +32143,i got a dent in the parking lot.,Normal +32144,how did you get it?,Normal +32145,i don't know. maybe it was from a shopping cart.,Normal +32146,those shopping carts are dangerous.,Normal +32147,especially the metal ones.,Normal +32148,i don't park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.,Normal +32149,"that's a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.",Normal +32150,did you save any money on the sale?,Normal +32151,"yes, i did. i saved about $50.",Normal +32152,that's great.,Normal +32153,"did you see ""titanic""?",Normal +32154,yes. it is a great movie.,Normal +32155,i saw it twelve times.,Normal +32156,i saw it eight times.,Normal +32157,i have the dvd.,Normal +32158,so do i.,Normal +32159,let's go to your home.,Normal +32160,we can watch my dvd.,Normal +32161,and then we can go to my home.,Normal +32162,and watch your dvd.,Normal +32163,i always cry at the end.,Normal +32164,let's play cards.,Normal +32165,i don't know any card games.,Normal +32166,i'll teach you one.,Normal +32167,okay. what will you teach me?,Normal +32168,it's called poker.,Normal +32169,is it easy to learn?,Normal +32170,"yes, it will only take about 30 minutes.",Normal +32171,okay. teach me how to play.,Normal +32172,we each get five cards.,Normal +32173,"oh, look. i have four tens.",Normal +32174,"that's great, but you're not supposed to tell me.",Normal +32175,i'm a good card player.,Normal +32176,why is that?,Normal +32177,because i watch the other players.,Normal +32178,what do you mean?,Normal +32179,people will tell you if they have a good hand.,Normal +32180,how do they do that?,Normal +32181,"for example, a friend of mine licks his lips.",Normal +32182,"when he licks his lips, you know he has a good hand?",Normal +32183,"i know he has a good hand, so i don't bet.",Normal +32184,he never wins your money?,Normal +32185,"nope, and it drives him crazy.",Normal +32186,"turn the radio down, please.",Normal +32187,but i'm listening to it.,Normal +32188,"well, listen to it more quietly.",Normal +32189,i can't wait till i grow up.,Normal +32190,what will you do?,Normal +32191,i will play the radio as loud as i want.,Normal +32192,that's okay with me.,Normal +32193,i will have a radio in every room of my house.,Normal +32194,remind me to never visit you.,Normal +32195,all the radios will be on extra loud.,Normal +32196,your neighbors will hate you.,Normal +32197,i hope i win the lotto.,Normal +32198,your chances are very small.,Normal +32199,but you can't win if you don't play.,Normal +32200,ha! you can't win if you do play.,Normal +32201,someone has to win.,Normal +32202,that's what everyone says.,Normal +32203,it might as well be me.,Normal +32204,that's what everyone says.,Normal +32205,you're trying to tell me something.,Normal +32206,that didn't take long.,Normal +32207,you think i should quit playing.,Normal +32208,what's on tv?,Normal +32209,nothing much.,Normal +32210,what about the baseball game?,Normal +32211,it got rained out.,Normal +32212,rained out?,Normal +32213,"yes, rained out.",Normal +32214,how could that be?,Normal +32215,"well, you can't play baseball in a rainstorm.",Normal +32216,i thought they were playing under a dome.,Normal +32217,the dome doesn't close.,Normal +32218,why doesn't it close?,Normal +32219,can i try your coffee?,Normal +32220,sure. here you go.,Normal +32221,"hmm, that's not bad.",Normal +32222,there's nothing in it.,Normal +32223,what do you mean?,Normal +32224,"i mean, it's just coffee.",Normal +32225,i figured that.,Normal +32226,it's not too bitter for you?,Normal +32227,"it's a little bitter, but it's okay.",Normal +32228,there's no sugar or cream in it.,Normal +32229,"no, it's a taste you have to get used to.",Normal +32230,let's take a walk.,Normal +32231,what's the weather like?,Normal +32232,let me step outside and see.,Normal +32233,"it's a little chilly, right?",Normal +32234,"yes, it is.",Normal +32235,i'll put on my cap.,Normal +32236,"wear a jacket, too.",Normal +32237,i wonder if i should bring my gloves.,Normal +32238,"maybe you should, just in case it gets colder.",Normal +32239,i'll put a glove in each pocket.,Normal +32240,we'll get warmer as we walk.,Normal +32241,look at the car chase on tv!,Normal +32242,that driver is crazy.,Normal +32243,i can't believe he hasn't crashed.,Normal +32244,how fast is he going?,Normal +32245,they say he's going 80 miles per hour.,Normal +32246,he's going to kill someone.,Normal +32247,look! he just hit that car.,Normal +32248,"oh, my goodness. no one is safe on the streets.",Normal +32249,now he's slowing down.,Normal +32250,maybe he ran out of gas.,Normal +32251,look! he just got out of the car and started running.,Normal +32252,tv news is so stupid.,Normal +32253,they shouldn't even call it news.,Normal +32254,last night they told us about a cat in a sofa.,Normal +32255,yesterday they told us about a dog in a pipe.,Normal +32256,last week they told us about a bear in a back yard.,Normal +32257,last month they told us about a mouse in a restaurant.,Normal +32258,the weatherman tells us the temperature in every town.,Normal +32259,the sports guy shows us players fighting.,Normal +32260,"they always tell us ""what's next.""",Normal +32261,"they always make ""what's next"" sound exciting, but it never is.",Normal +32262,it's more like news for kids.,Normal +32263,i love my computer.,Normal +32264,computers are so cool.,Normal +32265,i love to go online.,Normal +32266,the internet is amazing.,Normal +32267,you can travel all over the world.,Normal +32268,i know. i went to china yesterday.,Normal +32269,what did you do?,Normal +32270,i stood on the great wall and looked all around.,Normal +32271,what was it like?,Normal +32272,it was like the real thing.,Normal +32273,it was like being there?,Normal +32274,the beatles are the best.,Normal +32275,they are the best musical group ever.,Normal +32276,i love all their songs.,Normal +32277,i don't know which one i like the best.,Normal +32278,i like the ones i can sing along with.,Normal +32279,"so do i, like ""she loves you.""",Normal +32280,"""she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!...""",Normal +32281,"""Â…and you know you should be glad!""",Normal +32282,what a great song.,Normal +32283,"how about ""let it be?""",Normal +32284,"oh, yes! ""let it be, let it beÂ…""",Normal +32285,let's go to a movie.,Normal +32286,i'd rather not.,Normal +32287,why not?,Normal +32288,you know i don't like crowds.,Normal +32289,let's go to an early movie.,Normal +32290,"okay, that won't be very crowded.",Normal +32291,what would you like to see?,Normal +32292,"oh, i don't care. you're the one who wants to go out.",Normal +32293,"well, i want to see ""the pursuit of happyness.""",Normal +32294,what have you heard about it?,Normal +32295,it's based on a true story about a divorced man and his young son.,Normal +32296,what's your favorite thing to do?,Normal +32297,i like to watch people.,Normal +32298,that's your favorite thing to do?,Normal +32299,"well, it's one of them.",Normal +32300,where do you go to watch people?,Normal +32301,my girlfriend and i sit outside starbucks.,Normal +32302,that sounds like a good spot.,Normal +32303,we watch people walk by with their dogs.,Normal +32304,i guess you see lots of different dogs.,Normal +32305,we don't even know what kind most of them are.,Normal +32306,"there are lots of different kinds, but they all have one thing in common.",Normal +32307,they call him father dollar bill.,Normal +32308,"yes, he was on the tv news today.",Normal +32309,every easter sunday he gives away money.,Normal +32310,is it his money?,Normal +32311,no. movie stars give him money to give to homeless people.,Normal +32312,how much money does he give away?,Normal +32313,"this year he gave away $15,000.",Normal +32314,that's a lot of money.,Normal +32315,he gave $100 to people in wheelchairs.,Normal +32316,what about the other homeless people?,Normal +32317,they got $1 each.,Normal +32318,old movies are the best.,Normal +32319,even though they're in black and white.,Normal +32320,a good story is more important than color.,Normal +32321,actors didn't curse back then.,Normal +32322,and there was no violence.,Normal +32323,people today don't like that.,Normal +32324,"no, today people like lots of action.",Normal +32325,i like a good story.,Normal +32326,i like to see actors who are like real people.,Normal +32327,like real people with real problems.,Normal +32328,they still make movies like that.,Normal +32329,do you get pbs on tv?,Normal +32330,"yes, everybody gets the public broadcasting system.",Normal +32331,it puts me to sleep.,Normal +32332,tell me about it.,Normal +32333,a gardening show follows a knitting show.,Normal +32334,a cooking show follows a sewing show.,Normal +32335,a travel show follows another travel show.,Normal +32336,i'll say! i've gone around the world a dozen times already!,Normal +32337,now they're adding old tv shows to the old movies.,Normal +32338,i sure would like to see something interesting for a change.,Normal +32339,"if more people donate money, pbs could offer new shows.",Normal +32340,"i love to watch ""judge judy.""",Normal +32341,is that a tv show?,Normal +32342,yes. it's on every afternoon.,Normal +32343,what's so good about it?,Normal +32344,they have interesting lawsuits.,Normal +32345,such as?,Normal +32346,"yesterday, a woman complained about a cell phone she bought on ebay.",Normal +32347,was something wrong with the phone?,Normal +32348,it works only in canada.,Normal +32349,did the seller know that?,Normal +32350,"yes, and he didn't tell the buyer.",Normal +32351,that woman is a very good singer.,Normal +32352,"yes, but she looks like a man.",Normal +32353,what difference does it make?,Normal +32354,female singers are supposed to be pretty.,Normal +32355,singers are supposed to sound good.,Normal +32356,"they should look good, too.",Normal +32357,there are lots of ugly men singers.,Normal +32358,men singers don't have to look good.,Normal +32359,then neither do women singers.,Normal +32360,"well, i would never buy her cd.",Normal +32361,but you would buy her cd if she was pretty?,Normal +32362,all the tv stations are going to go digital.,Normal +32363,"yes, that will occur next month.",Normal +32364,most of them are already broadcasting in digital.,Normal +32365,the digital signal is very clear.,Normal +32366,"oh, no, it isn't!",Normal +32367,what do you mean?,Normal +32368,i can't get a single channel.,Normal +32369,do you have a digital tv?,Normal +32370,of course. but i don't have cable.,Normal +32371,"you don't need to have cable, but you do need a good antenna.",Normal +32372,but i have rabbit ears.,Normal +32373,i've got a date for you.,Normal +32374,"oh, really?",Normal +32375,are you interested?,Normal +32376,maybe. what is she like?,Normal +32377,she's got a great personality.,Normal +32378,uh-oh. that means that she's fat and ugly.,Normal +32379,she's cute.,Normal +32380,"okay, so she's not ugly; she's just fat.",Normal +32381,she weighs 98 pounds.,Normal +32382,"okay, she's not fat. so what's the problem with her?",Normal +32383,who said there is a problem with her?,Normal +32384,i think you're very pretty.,Normal +32385,thank you.,Normal +32386,would you have dinner with me?,Normal +32387,i would like to.,Normal +32388,can i pick you up friday night?,Normal +32389,what time?,Normal +32390,eight o'clock.,Normal +32391,that sounds great.,Normal +32392,we'll go to a french restaurant.,Normal +32393,i've never been to a french restaurant.,Normal +32394,i think you'll love the food.,Normal +32395,you have pretty eyes.,Normal +32396,thank you. so do you.,Normal +32397,i wish my eyes were blue.,Normal +32398,what's the matter with green eyes?,Normal +32399,"nothing, except my favorite color is blue.",Normal +32400,maybe in your next life you'll have blue eyes.,Normal +32401,but what if i'm a fish in my next life?,Normal +32402,i think some fish have blue eyes.,Normal +32403,i hope i don't come back as a fish.,Normal +32404,i hope i come back as a cat.,Normal +32405,cats have beautiful eyes.,Normal +32406,i love you.,Normal +32407,"i love you, too.",Normal +32408,i loved you the first day i saw you.,Normal +32409,it was love at first sight?,Normal +32410,"yes, it was love at first sight.",Normal +32411,i didn't love you at first.,Normal +32412,i know. i had to chase you for a while.,Normal +32413,"yes, you chased me and then you caught me.",Normal +32414,now you're mine forever.,Normal +32415,and you're mine forever.,Normal +32416,we'll grow old together.,Normal +32417,i'm in love with that girl.,Normal +32418,have you told her?,Normal +32419,of course not.,Normal +32420,why not?,Normal +32421,she would laugh at me.,Normal +32422,how do you know?,Normal +32423,because they always do.,Normal +32424,maybe she's different.,Normal +32425,they're all the same.,Normal +32426,just ask her out to dinner.,Normal +32427,and then what?,Normal +32428,give me a hug.,Normal +32429,i'm not in the mood.,Normal +32430,what's the matter?,Normal +32431,i saw you looking at that woman.,Normal +32432,what woman?,Normal +32433,"you know, that woman with the big boobs.",Normal +32434,i was not looking at her.,Normal +32435,"you were, too.",Normal +32436,i'm not interested in her.,Normal +32437,then why were you looking at her?,Normal +32438,i was looking at something else.,Normal +32439,would you like to go on a blind date?,Normal +32440,you must be joking.,Normal +32441,"no, i'm serious.",Normal +32442,i don't want to date a blind woman.,Normal +32443,a blind date doesn't mean that she is blind!,Normal +32444,what does it mean?,Normal +32445,a blind date is a date with someone you don't know.,Normal +32446,why would i date someone i don't even know?,Normal +32447,to try something new and exciting.,Normal +32448,what if i don't like her?,Normal +32449,i have a date tomorrow night.,Normal +32450,really? who with?,Normal +32451,a girl i met at the market.,Normal +32452,you met a girl at the supermarket?,Normal +32453,she was standing behind me in a really slow line at the checkout counter.,Normal +32454,what did you say to her?,Normal +32455,"i had two pineapples in my cart, and she asked where i had found them.",Normal +32456,she asked you about your pineapples?,Normal +32457,"i told her i had gotten the last two on the shelf, but i offered her one of mine.",Normal +32458,that was nice of you.,Normal +32459,"she asked me how she could return the favor, so i asked her out.",Normal +32460,did you have a date friday night?,Normal +32461,"yes, in fact, i did.",Normal +32462,who did you go out with?,Normal +32463,a man i met in a coffee shop.,Normal +32464,where did you go?,Normal +32465,we went to a nice restaurant.,Normal +32466,anywhere else?,Normal +32467,then we went to a jazz club.,Normal +32468,that sounds like a nice date.,Normal +32469,"yes, it was pleasant.",Normal +32470,but you won't date him again?,Normal +32471,i had the worst date the other night.,Normal +32472,what happened?,Normal +32473,"first of all, he was half an hour late.",Normal +32474,that's not a good start.,Normal +32475,then he didn't bother to apologize.,Normal +32476,that's rude.,Normal +32477,then he drove too fast to the restaurant.,Normal +32478,that's dangerous.,Normal +32479,i thought about getting out and taking a taxi home.,Normal +32480,what happened at the restaurant?,Normal +32481,"we had a $40 meal, and he left a $1 tip!",Normal +32482,i don't like that man.,Normal +32483,why not?,Normal +32484,he's a dirty old man.,Normal +32485,what do you mean?,Normal +32486,"he's old enough to be my father, yet he asked me out.",Normal +32487,"well, you can't blame a man for asking.",Normal +32488,he should act his age.,Normal +32489,but a lot of old people are still interested in dating.,Normal +32490,they should find a nice hobby.,Normal +32491,just wait until you're 50 years old.,Normal +32492,dating will be the furthest thing from my mind.,Normal +32493,does your girlfriend ever make you angry?,Normal +32494,sometimes.,Normal +32495,what does she do?,Normal +32496,"just yesterday, i told her i wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.",Normal +32497,that was a nice thing to say.,Normal +32498,that's what i thought.,Normal +32499,what did she say?,Normal +32500,she laughed! she didn't believe me.,Normal +32501,that wasn't very nice of her.,Normal +32502,she said that nothing is more important to me than money.,Normal +32503,what did you say?,Normal +32504,some people have good noses.,Normal +32505,i wish i had a good nose. mine is way too big.,Normal +32506,i don't mean good-looking. i mean good-smelling.,Normal +32507,oh. but that can be a curse.,Normal +32508,"yes, because you can be too sensitive to odors.",Normal +32509,i'll say. my girlfriend has a nose like a drug dog.,Normal +32510,did she catch you using drugs?,Normal +32511,sort of. she knows whenever i sneak a cigarette.,Normal +32512,you don't need a good nose for that—cigarettes stink.,Normal +32513,"but when i sneak just one cigarette in the morning, she can smell it that evening!",Normal +32514,"boy, that is a good nose.",Normal +32515,let's go out to eat.,Normal +32516,that sounds like fun.,Normal +32517,where do you want to go?,Normal +32518,let me think a minute.,Normal +32519,i feel like chinese.,Normal +32520,that sounds delicious.,Normal +32521,i know a good chinese restaurant.,Normal +32522,how far away is it?,Normal +32523,it's only 10 minutes from here.,Normal +32524,do we need reservations?,Normal +32525,"oh, no. we can walk right in.",Normal +32526,i can't believe how long this line is.,Normal +32527,"this is a popular restaurant, isn't it?",Normal +32528,"yes, but it isn't a fast-food restaurant, is it?",Normal +32529,it's the slowest hamburger in town.,Normal +32530,that's because they cook it while you wait.,Normal +32531,yes. that's why it's also the best hamburger in town.,Normal +32532,a great burger and great service.,Normal +32533,"yes, the workers are very polite.",Normal +32534,and they're clean.,Normal +32535,i've been coming here for years.,Normal +32536,me too.,Normal +32537,lunch was delicious.,Normal +32538,thank you.,Normal +32539,what kind of soup was that?,Normal +32540,it was tomato soup.,Normal +32541,that tasted so good.,Normal +32542,i put lemon and butter in it.,Normal +32543,"the sandwich was good, too.",Normal +32544,everyone likes bacon and tomato sandwiches.,Normal +32545,especially on toast.,Normal +32546,"and the pickles were great, too.",Normal +32547,tomorrow we'll have rice and fish for lunch.,Normal +32548,i'm calling the waiter.,Normal +32549,what's the matter?,Normal +32550,this steak has too much fat.,Normal +32551,what do you want the waiter to do?,Normal +32552,bring me a better steak.,Normal +32553,i wouldn't do that.,Normal +32554,why not?,Normal +32555,"they will drop the new steak on the floor, step on it, and then spit on it.",Normal +32556,you're crazy.,Normal +32557,then the waiter will give you a big smile as he brings you the new steak.,Normal +32558,where do you get these crazy ideas?,Normal +32559,let's leave.,Normal +32560,but we just got here.,Normal +32561,did you see the waiter's hands?,Normal +32562,no.,Normal +32563,he had dirty fingernails.,Normal +32564,really?,Normal +32565,his nails were black!,Normal +32566,that's disgusting.,Normal +32567,and he poured water into our glasses.,Normal +32568,yuck! no water for me.,Normal +32569,"i wonder if the cooks' nails are dirty, too.",Normal +32570,this hot bread is delicious.,Normal +32571,i like this restaurant because they give you free bread.,Normal +32572,"well, i think we are paying for it.",Normal +32573,no. look at the bill when we get it. there's no charge for the bread.,Normal +32574,"it is delicious, especially with butter.",Normal +32575,i think we should just leave after we fill up on the bread.,Normal +32576,they probably wouldn't like that.,Normal +32577,i'm eating so much bread that i'm getting full.,Normal +32578,then stop eating the bread!,Normal +32579,"okay, just one more piece. pass the butter, please.",Normal +32580,"if i owned a restaurant, i would never serve hot bread before the main course.",Normal +32581,is this a clean restaurant?,Normal +32582,"well, the tables and chairs look okay.",Normal +32583,"okay, let's sit down.",Normal +32584,check out the silverware.,Normal +32585,it passes inspection.,Normal +32586,here comes the waiter. see if his hands and nails are clean.,Normal +32587,"well, the waiter looked clean, so i guess it's okay to eat here.",Normal +32588,you're forgetting about the bathroom.,Normal +32589,i'm going to just hope that the bathroom is clean.,Normal +32590,you're not going to examine it before we order dinner?,Normal +32591,"no, i'd rather not find out that it's dirty, because i'm pretty hungry right now.",Normal +32592,have you seen our waiter?,Normal +32593,here he comes now.,Normal +32594,we've been sitting here for almost 10 minutes.,Normal +32595,"oops, i guess i was wrong. that isn't our waiter.",Normal +32596,"we can give him five more minutes, and then leave.",Normal +32597,i'll go up front and talk to the manager.,Normal +32598,that's a good idea.,Normal +32599,maybe they'll give us free drinks for waiting so long.,Normal +32600,maybe he'll send us our waiter immediately.,Normal +32601,"every time we eat out, it's an adventure.",Normal +32602,"last time, we got seats next to the kitchen.",Normal +32603,is this table okay?,Normal +32604,"no, it's too close to the kitchen door.",Normal +32605,how about this table?,Normal +32606,"no, it's too close to the front door.",Normal +32607,this looks like a nice table.,Normal +32608,"no, it's too close to the salad bar.",Normal +32609,"okay, i give up.",Normal +32610,"well, there is one good table.",Normal +32611,great. which one?,Normal +32612,i don't believe the art world.,Normal +32613,what is it this time?,Normal +32614,an andy warhol drawing.,Normal +32615,he's a famous artist.,Normal +32616,he drew two butterflies and a flower on a napkin in a restaurant.,Normal +32617,did he sign it?,Normal +32618,yes.,Normal +32619,is it beautiful?,Normal +32620,it's just black ink on a white napkin. and the napkin has food stains!,Normal +32621,so it's not worth much?,Normal +32622,"only about $30,000.",Normal +32623,can we go to the baseball game?,Normal +32624,of course.,Normal +32625,i love baseball.,Normal +32626,so do i.,Normal +32627,i love to eat the peanuts.,Normal +32628,i love to eat the hot dogs.,Normal +32629,i hope we'll see a home run.,Normal +32630,i hope we'll catch a foul ball.,Normal +32631,bring a jacket.,Normal +32632,yes. it gets a little cool at night.,Normal +32633,bring a glove to catch a foul ball.,Normal +32634,golf is a silly game.,Normal +32635,it certainly is.,Normal +32636,you hit a white ball.,Normal +32637,and then you chase it.,Normal +32638,and then you hit it again.,Normal +32639,"finally, you put the ball into a hole in the ground.",Normal +32640,"you do this 18 times, because there are 18 holes.",Normal +32641,what's the point?,Normal +32642,how can it be fun?,Normal +32643,they pay money to play this silly game!,Normal +32644,i think golfers have a mental problem.,Normal +32645,do you want to go fishing?,Normal +32646,yes. that's a good idea.,Normal +32647,where do you want to go?,Normal +32648,we can go to the river.,Normal +32649,or we can go to the lake.,Normal +32650,or we can go to the ocean.,Normal +32651,let's go to the lake.,Normal +32652,yes. the lake is only 10 miles away.,Normal +32653,we can be there in 20 minutes.,Normal +32654,i'll get our fishing rods.,Normal +32655,i'll get the bait.,Normal +32656,baseball is fun.,Normal +32657,i like to hit the ball.,Normal +32658,i like to run around the bases.,Normal +32659,i like to slide into the bases.,Normal +32660,yeah. it's a lot of fun to slide.,Normal +32661,i want to be a baseball player when i grow up.,Normal +32662,me too. i want to play for the yankees.,Normal +32663,not me. i want to play for the dodgers.,Normal +32664,we have to practice every day.,Normal +32665,i don't like practice.,Normal +32666,me neither. it's boring.,Normal +32667,let's go jogging.,Normal +32668,that's a good idea.,Normal +32669,i bought some new shoes.,Normal +32670,are they comfortable?,Normal +32671,they're very comfortable.,Normal +32672,how much were they?,Normal +32673,they were on sale for $80.,Normal +32674,do they help you run faster?,Normal +32675,"no, but my feet don't hurt anymore.",Normal +32676,then they're worth every penny.,Normal +32677,you might want to buy a pair.,Normal +32678,tiger is the greatest golfer in the world.,Normal +32679,you can say that again.,Normal +32680,but i'm worried about tiger.,Normal +32681,why is that?,Normal +32682,because he likes to scuba dive.,Normal +32683,what's wrong with that?,Normal +32684,it can be dangerous.,Normal +32685,you mean he could drown.,Normal +32686,he shouldn't scuba dive until he retires.,Normal +32687,but he dives to relax.,Normal +32688,"he might relax, but it makes me nervous.",Normal +32689,did you watch that golf tournament?,Normal +32690,the one that tiger won?,Normal +32691,how did he do it?,Normal +32692,it was nothing for him.,Normal +32693,he sank a 20-foot putt on the last hole to win by one stroke!,Normal +32694,he sank a 25-footer last year at the same tournament to win by one stroke.,Normal +32695,i think he is from outer space.,Normal +32696,no human could possibly play golf that well.,Normal +32697,"whenever he needs a shot to win a tournament, he makes that shot.",Normal +32698,no human can do that.,Normal +32699,somebody should check his birth record.,Normal +32700,who's the greatest baseball player?,Normal +32701,there are so many great players.,Normal +32702,"yes, but who is the greatest?",Normal +32703,i'd have to say babe ruth.,Normal +32704,most people would say that.,Normal +32705,he changed the game.,Normal +32706,"yes, he made the home run popular.",Normal +32707,"everybody loved him, all over the nation.",Normal +32708,he helped make the yankees the best team ever.,Normal +32709,"and ruth was a good person, too.",Normal +32710,he always visited hospitals to cheer up sick kids.,Normal +32711,did you hear what happened at the baseball game?,Normal +32712,"no, please tell me.",Normal +32713,someone punched out someone.,Normal +32714,that's not nice.,Normal +32715,it's worse than that.,Normal +32716,how so?,Normal +32717,two guys got into an argument.,Normal +32718,i'll bet they were drinking.,Normal +32719,a third guy punched one of the two guys.,Normal +32720,"i'll bet he was drinking, too.",Normal +32721,the victim hit his head on the concrete steps and died.,Normal +32722,i want to go to the ball game.,Normal +32723,is there a game tonight?,Normal +32724,"yes, it starts at 7 p.m.",Normal +32725,can we get tickets?,Normal +32726,"yes, but only the cheap tickets.",Normal +32727,how much are they?,Normal +32728,they're only $5 each.,Normal +32729,that's a good price.,Normal +32730,"yes, it's cheaper than a hot dog or a beer.",Normal +32731,where are the seats?,Normal +32732,they're behind the outfield.,Normal +32733,golf is so hard.,Normal +32734,what's so hard about hitting a little white ball?,Normal +32735,it's hard if you want to do it right.,Normal +32736,you mean like tiger?,Normal +32737,"no, like a good amateur golfer.",Normal +32738,what's so hard about golf?,Normal +32739,there are so many things you have to do right.,Normal +32740,like what?,Normal +32741,"like keep your left arm straight, keep your head down, and follow through.",Normal +32742,yikes! who can remember all that?,Normal +32743,you need to get a lot of lessons when you're really young.,Normal +32744,did you hear about the ball player?,Normal +32745,the home run hitter on drugs?,Normal +32746,he said a doctor helped him with a personal problem.,Normal +32747,he said he wasn't using drugs.,Normal +32748,he apologized to the fans.,Normal +32749,the league suspended him for 50 games.,Normal +32750,that will cost him some money.,Normal +32751,"yes, about $7 million.",Normal +32752,that will teach him a good lesson.,Normal +32753,he probably won't use drugs anymore.,Normal +32754,but it won't stop other players from using drugs.,Normal +32755,why is there so much crime?,Normal +32756,because parents don't teach their kids right from wrong.,Normal +32757,is that it?,Normal +32758,"also, there aren't enough police.",Normal +32759,but there are a lot of police.,Normal +32760,there's only one police officer per 100 criminals.,Normal +32761,can't we hire more police?,Normal +32762,no. it costs too much money.,Normal +32763,doesn't crime cost more than police?,Normal +32764,"yes, it does.",Normal +32765,so it would be cheaper to hire more police?,Normal +32766,this is a great neighborhood.,Normal +32767,"yes, it is.",Normal +32768,people are friendly.,Normal +32769,"yes, they are.",Normal +32770,the streets and sidewalks are clean.,Normal +32771,"yes, they are.",Normal +32772,there's a real nice park nearby.,Normal +32773,"yes, there is.",Normal +32774,i feel safe here.,Normal +32775,there is no crime here.,Normal +32776,i wish i could move here.,Normal +32777,the house burned down.,Normal +32778,what happened?,Normal +32779,the man fell asleep.,Normal +32780,was he smoking?,Normal +32781,"yes, he was smoking a cigarette.",Normal +32782,did he die?,Normal +32783,"yes, he did. his cat died, too.",Normal +32784,that's too bad. what about his smoke alarm?,Normal +32785,the battery was dead.,Normal +32786,a good battery would have saved his life.,Normal +32787,"he had cigarettes, but no battery.",Normal +32788,they say he has started fifteen big fires.,Normal +32789,he's been in jail three times already.,Normal +32790,why did they ever let him out?,Normal +32791,it's the law. they can't keep him in jail forever.,Normal +32792,why not? everyone knows he's a firebug. he loves to start fires.,Normal +32793,i don't know. sometimes the law doesn't make sense.,Normal +32794,but his latest fire killed someone.,Normal +32795,this time they have charged him with murder.,Normal +32796,so maybe he'll go to jail forever?,Normal +32797,i sure hope so.,Normal +32798,someone should set him on fire.,Normal +32799,put your seatbelt on.,Normal +32800,why?,Normal +32801,because it will protect you in case of an accident.,Normal +32802,but it's uncomfortable.,Normal +32803,it's the law.,Normal +32804,it's so much trouble.,Normal +32805,it's common sense.,Normal +32806,it's so tight that it's hard for me to breathe.,Normal +32807,hold your breath till we get there.,Normal +32808,"okay, my seatbelt is on.",Normal +32809,i'm glad you don't complain very much.,Normal +32810,what are you doing?,Normal +32811,i'm going to change the light bulb. it burnt out.,Normal +32812,what are you standing on?,Normal +32813,a couple of dictionaries and some textbooks.,Normal +32814,are you crazy?,Normal +32815,what's the matter?,Normal +32816,those books will slip and you'll fall.,Normal +32817,it's only a couple of feet.,Normal +32818,"what if you fall while you're holding the light bulb, and it breaks and pieces go into your eyes?",Normal +32819,i never thought about that.,Normal +32820,you'd be blind for the rest of your life!,Normal +32821,did you see that puddle of water on the floor?,Normal +32822,yes. i called for a clean-up.,Normal +32823,a puddle of water is very dangerous.,Normal +32824,it isn't easy to see.,Normal +32825,but it's real easy to slip on.,Normal +32826,especially on these slick floors.,Normal +32827,someone who slips could hurt their back.,Normal +32828,they could even crack their head open.,Normal +32829,we should stand here till the clean-up person gets here.,Normal +32830,we can leave if we put an orange cone here.,Normal +32831,"yes, but i don't know where the orange cones are.",Normal +32832,what happens when the fire alarm rings?,Normal +32833,we tell our students to leave the classroom.,Normal +32834,can they take their belongings?,Normal +32835,"yes, if they do it quickly.",Normal +32836,where do the students go?,Normal +32837,they go out to the north parking lot.,Normal +32838,what do the teachers do?,Normal +32839,we take our rosters to the parking lot and take roll.,Normal +32840,why do you do that?,Normal +32841,we want to make sure all the students are out of the building.,Normal +32842,"if they are all outside, then what?",Normal +32843,i have to go back upstairs.,Normal +32844,why? we're already late.,Normal +32845,i have to check the stove.,Normal +32846,what's the matter?,Normal +32847,maybe i left the burner on.,Normal +32848,"no, you didn't. i checked the stove before we left.",Normal +32849,are you sure?,Normal +32850,of course i'm sure.,Normal +32851,"well, i have to go back upstairs anyway.",Normal +32852,it's getting later every minute.,Normal +32853,i think i left the water running.,Normal +32854,the city is buying guns.,Normal +32855,what are they paying?,Normal +32856,"up to $200 for each gun, no questions asked.",Normal +32857,why are they doing this?,Normal +32858,they want to get guns off the street.,Normal +32859,who would turn in a gun for $200?,Normal +32860,that isn't a good deal?,Normal +32861,a good gun costs $400 or more.,Normal +32862,"well, if you bring your receipt, maybe they'll give you $400.",Normal +32863,i'll keep my receipt and my gun.,Normal +32864,i didn't know you had a gun.,Normal +32865,you're yawning.,Normal +32866,i sure am.,Normal +32867,you should go to bed.,Normal +32868,i will as soon as i finish this article.,Normal +32869,what are you reading?,Normal +32870,it's about crime in los angeles.,Normal +32871,what does it say?,Normal +32872,the mayor says the crime rate is going down.,Normal +32873,then why does everyone lock their doors?,Normal +32874,i guess they haven't read this article.,Normal +32875,no one believes that the crime rate is going down.,Normal +32876,people who live in california are crazy.,Normal +32877,why is that?,Normal +32878,because of all the earthquakes and fires.,Normal +32879,but big earthquakes happen only once in a while.,Normal +32880,once in a while is once too many.,Normal +32881,but you're right. there are a lot of fires.,Normal +32882,a recent fire destroyed 85 homes.,Normal +32883,"still, it's safer than florida.",Normal +32884,florida doesn't have earthquakes or fires.,Normal +32885,"no, florida just has hurricanes every year from june to october.",Normal +32886,but most of those hurricanes are harmless.,Normal +32887,i went to hawaii on vacation.,Normal +32888,did you like it?,Normal +32889,i loved it. i want to live there.,Normal +32890,what did you like?,Normal +32891,"the island is so green, and the water is so blue.",Normal +32892,did you go swimming?,Normal +32893,i went to the beach every day.,Normal +32894,how was the weather?,Normal +32895,it was hot and sunny every day.,Normal +32896,what did you do at night?,Normal +32897,at night i went out to eat. the food was delicious.,Normal +32898,i like this hotel.,Normal +32899,what do you like about it?,Normal +32900,we get a free breakfast.,Normal +32901,coffee and a roll?,Normal +32902,"no, a real breakfast.",Normal +32903,bacon and eggs?,Normal +32904,"with toast, ham, sausage, fresh fruit, and juice.",Normal +32905,wow! that is nice. let's stay for two nights.,Normal +32906,"and the rooms are clean, too.",Normal +32907,do they allow pets?,Normal +32908,"no pets, no smoking.",Normal +32909,i'm not sleeping here tonight.,Normal +32910,what's the matter? this is a nice room.,Normal +32911,"maybe the room is nice, but not the bed.",Normal +32912,what's wrong with the bed?,Normal +32913,look at this sheet.,Normal +32914,yes?,Normal +32915,see those stains?,Normal +32916,i sure do.,Normal +32917,i'm not sleeping on that sheet.,Normal +32918,"well, just call the front desk. they'll give us new sheets.",Normal +32919,i want sheets without stains on them.,Normal +32920,what time does your plane leave?,Normal +32921,it leaves at 12:15.,Normal +32922,when do you have to be at the airport?,Normal +32923,i have to be there two hours early.,Normal +32924,so we have to be at the airport at 10:15.,Normal +32925,that means we have to leave the house at 9:15.,Normal +32926,"well, it's an hour to get there, if there are no traffic problems.",Normal +32927,so maybe we better leave at 8:15?,Normal +32928,"yes, it's better to get there too early than too late.",Normal +32929,i agree.,Normal +32930,you never know what might happen on these freeways.,Normal +32931,i need to fly to new york.,Normal +32932,when are you going?,Normal +32933,during the christmas holidays.,Normal +32934,you'd better buy your ticket now.,Normal +32935,you must be kidding.,Normal +32936,"no, i'm not. it's march. time is running out. seats are selling out right now.",Normal +32937,i thought i would wait until october.,Normal +32938,i'll bet this is the first time you've ever flown during christmas.,Normal +32939,you're right.,Normal +32940,"well, listen to me. you need to buy a ticket now.",Normal +32941,but maybe prices will be cheaper in october.,Normal +32942,i hate flying.,Normal +32943,so do i.,Normal +32944,"a long time ago, flying used to be okay.",Normal +32945,now it's like riding a bus.,Normal +32946,you're jammed in with people all around you.,Normal +32947,"half of them are coughing, and the other half are sneezing.",Normal +32948,you don't have any elbow room or knee room.,Normal +32949,people are always getting up to use the bathroom.,Normal +32950,kids are crying or climbing over you.,Normal +32951,it's a flying zoo!,Normal +32952,i wish i could afford first class seats.,Normal +32953,some guy rowed across the atlantic ocean.,Normal +32954,good for him.,Normal +32955,why would he do that?,Normal +32956,did he set a new record?,Normal +32957,"yes, i think he did.",Normal +32958,"well, i guess that's why he did it.",Normal +32959,what's the point?,Normal +32960,now he has the world record!,Normal +32961,"but someone's going to break it, so what good is it?",Normal +32962,"well, he can enjoy it while it lasts.",Normal +32963,i don't think he even got paid for it.,Normal +32964,i want to go on a cruise ship.,Normal +32965,that sounds like fun. where do you want to go?,Normal +32966,i want to cruise to hawaii.,Normal +32967,"that should be a nice trip. lots of fun, and lots of food.",Normal +32968,i have no idea how much it will cost.,Normal +32969,i think it depends on the season and on your cabin.,Normal +32970,"well, of course i want to go when the weather is nice.",Normal +32971,"yes, you don't want to travel in winter storms.",Normal +32972,and i want to get a big cabin with a view.,Normal +32973,are you going to travel alone?,Normal +32974,"no, my sister and i will travel together.",Normal +32975,i hate to fly.,Normal +32976,because of all the security?,Normal +32977,"no, because it hurts my ears.",Normal +32978,what do you mean?,Normal +32979,"every time we land or take off, my ears hurt so much.",Normal +32980,"that's just the altitude change, i think.",Normal +32981,"whatever it is, it hurts.",Normal +32982,can't you take medicine or something for it?,Normal +32983,"i've tried everything, but nothing works.",Normal +32984,have you tried earplugs?,Normal +32985,"they don't work, either.",Normal +32986,spring break starts tomorrow.,Normal +32987,are you going to go anywhere?,Normal +32988,i was thinking of driving to arizona.,Normal +32989,to the grand canyon?,Normal +32990,yes. i've never been there.,Normal +32991,i was there when i was a kid.,Normal +32992,how did you like it?,Normal +32993,i loved it. i still remember how amazing it was.,Normal +32994,"i'm sure i'll like it, too.",Normal +32995,you should try riding a mule on a trail to the bottom.,Normal +32996,no way! i don't want to fall to my death.,Normal +32997,that hotel was terrible.,Normal +32998,the worst in the whole world.,Normal +32999,the walls were so thin.,Normal +33000,all day long we heard tvs or telephones.,Normal +33001,all night long we heard people snoring.,Normal +33002,housekeeping didn't give us fresh towels.,Normal +33003,room service brought us a cold dinner.,Normal +33004,our nonsmoking room stunk of cigarette smoke.,Normal +33005,our room was right next to the elevator and the ice machine.,Normal +33006,they added phony charges to our bill.,Normal +33007,how did we end up in that terrible hotel?,Normal +33008,i have to hang up. i'm so sleepy.,Normal +33009,it's not even 10 o'clock.,Normal +33010,i'm falling asleep on the phone.,Normal +33011,you got up real early.,Normal +33012,i had to take my friend to the airport.,Normal +33013,why didn't you take a nap when you got home?,Normal +33014,i didn't get home until 30 minutes ago.,Normal +33015,why is that?,Normal +33016,there was a bomb threat at the airport.,Normal +33017,only a threat?,Normal +33018,"yes, but i was stuck there all day while they looked for the bomb.",Normal +33019,"my dad went to washington, d.c.",Normal +33020,why did he do that?,Normal +33021,"he was invited, along with about 90 other veterans.",Normal +33022,who invited them?,Normal +33023,some private organization.,Normal +33024,why did they invite him?,Normal +33025,to thank him and all the other soldiers who served in world war ii.,Normal +33026,that's very nice.,Normal +33027,my dad got to see the beautiful new world war ii monument.,Normal +33028,that trip must have cost a lot of money. ,Normal +33029,"that was a great trip to washington, d.c.",Normal +33030,"tell me about it, dad.",Normal +33031,about 90 of us world war ii veterans got on the plane at 8 a.m.,Normal +33032,how long was the flight?,Normal +33033,it only took about two hours.,Normal +33034,did you take pictures at the world war ii monument?,Normal +33035,"oh, yes. we all took lots of pictures.",Normal +33036,then you flew back home that evening?,Normal +33037,"yes. when we landed, tv reporters and the army band were there.",Normal +33038,that must have made you feel really special.,Normal +33039,"oh, it did. there were about 300 people there to honor us.",Normal +33040,i need a job.,Normal +33041,i thought you had a job.,Normal +33042,i did.,Normal +33043,what happened?,Normal +33044,i got laid off.,Normal +33045,that's terrible! when did it happen?,Normal +33046,i got laid off last week.,Normal +33047,just you?,Normal +33048,"no, ten of my coworkers got laid off, too.",Normal +33049,what are you going to do?,Normal +33050,i'm looking in the newspaper for a job.,Normal +33051,"before you go to that interview, check yourself.",Normal +33052,what's to check?,Normal +33053,are your nails clean?,Normal +33054,"yes, they are.",Normal +33055,did you double-check your nose and teeth?,Normal +33056,"they are clean, too.",Normal +33057,did you shine your shoes?,Normal +33058,my shoes are shined.,Normal +33059,do your socks match?,Normal +33060,of course they match.,Normal +33061,"no, they don't. one is black and one is dark blue.",Normal +33062,life is hard.,Normal +33063,it sure is.,Normal +33064,i thought school was hard.,Normal +33065,"me, too. i couldn't wait to graduate.",Normal +33066,"but now work is hard, too.",Normal +33067,i agree. work is just as hard as school.,Normal +33068,sometimes i wish i was back in school.,Normal +33069,"me, too. school was fun.",Normal +33070,and it was only 12 years.,Normal +33071,it went by pretty fast.,Normal +33072,but work goes on forever!,Normal +33073,i'm sleepy.,Normal +33074,so am i.,Normal +33075,i had a long day.,Normal +33076,so did i.,Normal +33077,i didn't even have lunch.,Normal +33078,neither did i.,Normal +33079,i was busy the whole day.,Normal +33080,so was i.,Normal +33081,i had to bring work home with me.,Normal +33082,i did too.,Normal +33083,your day was just like mine.,Normal +33084,i don't like my job.,Normal +33085,what do you do?,Normal +33086,i'm a babysitter.,Normal +33087,is that a lot of work?,Normal +33088,babies cry all the time.,Normal +33089,you have to change their diapers.,Normal +33090,i have to feed them.,Normal +33091,are you looking for another job?,Normal +33092,"no, i'm looking for another family.",Normal +33093,another family?,Normal +33094,a family with only one baby.,Normal +33095,i need a job.,Normal +33096,what was your last job?,Normal +33097,i was a painter.,Normal +33098,what happened?,Normal +33099,i got laid off because there was no work.,Normal +33100,what else can you do?,Normal +33101,i'm a handyman.,Normal +33102,can you fix a dripping faucet in a kitchen sink?,Normal +33103,of course.,Normal +33104,then i have a job for you in my kitchen.,Normal +33105,it will cost you only $20 plus parts.,Normal +33106,what would you do if you lost your job?,Normal +33107,i have no idea. i've been here for 20 years.,Normal +33108,do you have any other skills?,Normal +33109,"well, i know how to flip hamburgers.",Normal +33110,no one would hire you to flip hamburgers.,Normal +33111,have you heard something that you're not telling me?,Normal +33112,what do you mean?,Normal +33113,are there going to be layoffs at this place?,Normal +33114,i certainly hope not!,Normal +33115,"if you got laid off, you'd be flipping hamburgers, too.",Normal +33116,"oh great, we could both work at burger king.",Normal +33117,do your students ever talk about their jobs?,Normal +33118,"yes, and they ask me what jobs are the best.",Normal +33119,i tell my students to become a teacher.,Normal +33120,teaching is a great job.,Normal +33121,it's the best job i've ever had.,Normal +33122,what makes it so good?,Normal +33123,"for me, it's the students.",Normal +33124,what do you mean?,Normal +33125,i mean i have wonderful students.,Normal +33126,that must be nice.,Normal +33127,teaching is the best part of my whole day.,Normal +33128,"boy, i'm glad that job is finished.",Normal +33129,how long did it take?,Normal +33130,"four hours, without a break.",Normal +33131,it's always nice to finish a job.,Normal +33132,"well, it's good and bad.",Normal +33133,what's bad about it?,Normal +33134,"when you finish, all you do is start another job!",Normal +33135,"yes, that's right. it does get boring.",Normal +33136,"especially if it's the same work, over and over.",Normal +33137,but that's what most people do.,Normal +33138,"yes, i guess most of us are stuck in a routine.",Normal +33139,i think i have the worst boss in the world.,Normal +33140,what makes him so bad?,Normal +33141,he's rude and he yells a lot.,Normal +33142,that's hard to take.,Normal +33143,i've never heard him say please or thank you.,Normal +33144,he sounds like a real jerk.,Normal +33145,no one at work likes him.,Normal +33146,can't you report him to his supervisor?,Normal +33147,"of course not. if i do that, i'll lose my job.",Normal +33148,"yes, they don't like troublemakers or complainers.",Normal +33149,"i can't quit, because i'm making a good salary.",Normal +33150,what are we going to do?,Normal +33151,about what?,Normal +33152,about finding a job for me.,Normal +33153,you don't need a job. i make enough money for both of us.,Normal +33154,that doesn't matter. i don't want to sit around.,Normal +33155,"okay, what kind of job do you want?",Normal +33156,i'm not sure.,Normal +33157,"well, you should do something that you enjoy.",Normal +33158,i enjoy selling. i was born to sell.,Normal +33159,"okay, what do you want to sell?",Normal +33160,cigarette lighters. i'll make a fortune.,Normal +33161,a new hotel is looking for workers.,Normal +33162,"yes, i saw it on the tv news.",Normal +33163,they need 300 new workers.,Normal +33164,"and 4,000 people showed up.",Normal +33165,so many people are out of work.,Normal +33166,"i still have my job, thank goodness.",Normal +33167,"so do i, but i'm worried.",Normal +33168,me too. there are no guarantees.,Normal +33169,"if you lose your job, you can move in with me.",Normal +33170,"oh, thank you. that's very nice of you.",Normal +33171,you would do the same for me.,Normal +33172,i think i did something real stupid.,Normal +33173,what did you do?,Normal +33174,i bought some stock.,Normal +33175,everybody buys stock.,Normal +33176,i bought it on a hunch.,Normal +33177,you didn't read about the company first?,Normal +33178,i didn't have to. it's been in business for 60 years.,Normal +33179,so what's the problem?,Normal +33180,i used all my savings on this one company.,Normal +33181,you put all your eggs into one basket.,Normal +33182,"if the company goes out of business, i'll have nothing.",Normal +33183,i was going to be a doctor.,Normal +33184,what happened to your plans?,Normal +33185,i got a d in college chemistry.,Normal +33186,"well, a d is better than an f.",Normal +33187,a tutor helped me get the d!,Normal +33188,"so, you didn't become a doctor.",Normal +33189,and now i'm glad that i didn't.,Normal +33190,why's that?,Normal +33191,a hospital is the most dangerous place in the world.,Normal +33192,"oh, yes, because of all the killer germs.",Normal +33193,"if you're a smart doctor, you stay away from hospitals.",Normal +33194,i want to be a mail carrier when i grow up.,Normal +33195,why?,Normal +33196,because you get to meet a lot of people.,Normal +33197,you sure do.,Normal +33198,and you get a lot of exercise every day.,Normal +33199,that's the truth.,Normal +33200,and you get to play with a lot of dogs.,Normal +33201,"well, you're supposed to be working.",Normal +33202,"yes, but i will always pet the friendly dogs.",Normal +33203,what about the unfriendly dogs?,Normal +33204,"i think if you are friendly to dogs, they are friendly to you.",Normal +33205,i want to move to new york.,Normal +33206,to the state or the city?,Normal +33207,"to the city, of course.",Normal +33208,why do you want to move there?,Normal +33209,because i want to make a lot of money.,Normal +33210,there are a lot of poor people in new york.,Normal +33211,there sure are—at least a million.,Normal +33212,so how do you plan to become rich?,Normal +33213,i will knock on the doors of all the corporations.,Normal +33214,that won't make you rich. nobody will talk to you.,Normal +33215,i will keep knocking on doors.,Normal +33216,i love salads.,Normal +33217,me too.,Normal +33218,i usually eat a simple salad.,Normal +33219,what do you put in it?,Normal +33220,"just lettuce, tomato, and celery.",Normal +33221,that's it?,Normal +33222,i add some pepper and salt.,Normal +33223,i always put cheese in my salads.,Normal +33224,"yes, cheese is nice.",Normal +33225,what kind of dressing do you use?,Normal +33226,i pour lots of french dressing on top.,Normal +33227,i love cheese.,Normal +33228,me too.,Normal +33229,where does cheese come from?,Normal +33230,it comes from cows.,Normal +33231,"so we get cheese from cows, and we get milk, too?",Normal +33232,"yes, we do.",Normal +33233,what else do we get from cows?,Normal +33234,we get hamburgers and steak.,Normal +33235,"oh, that's so delicious.",Normal +33236,we also get leather.,Normal +33237,"we get a lot of things from cows, don't we?",Normal +33238,i used to work in a deli.,Normal +33239,how did you like it?,Normal +33240,i loved it!,Normal +33241,did you get free food?,Normal +33242,i ate free cheese and meat every day.,Normal +33243,that sounds like a great job.,Normal +33244,"whatever a customer ordered, i sliced off a little more for me.",Normal +33245,did you get fat?,Normal +33246,"no, but i did put on a few pounds.",Normal +33247,that sounds like a dream job.,Normal +33248,"it was, until one day my manager caught me.",Normal +33249,i'm on a new diet.,Normal +33250,what are you eating now?,Normal +33251,i switched from pasta to potatoes.,Normal +33252,why did you do that?,Normal +33253,pasta is processed food. potatoes are natural food.,Normal +33254,natural food has more vitamins.,Normal +33255,and it's just as easy to prepare.,Normal +33256,how do you prepare the potatoes?,Normal +33257,"i wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.",Normal +33258,that's pretty simple.,Normal +33259,"then i add butter, salt, and pepper.",Normal +33260,my girlfriend's mom got mad at me at the dinner table.,Normal +33261,why was that?,Normal +33262,i sprinkled salt and pepper on the food before i tasted it.,Normal +33263,what's the matter with that?,Normal +33264,her mom is a great cook.,Normal +33265,"so, a little salt and pepper never hurt anything.",Normal +33266,it hurt her feelings.,Normal +33267,oh.,Normal +33268,"i apologized to her, but i could tell she was still upset.",Normal +33269,maybe you shouldn't eat there again.,Normal +33270,i'm sure everything will be okay in a day or two.,Normal +33271,i eat the same thing every day.,Normal +33272,you're kidding.,Normal +33273,"no, i'm serious.",Normal +33274,doesn't that get old?,Normal +33275,"no, because i'm eating food that i like.",Normal +33276,but the same thing day after day gets old.,Normal +33277,"well, i guess if it ever does get old, i'll change to something different.",Normal +33278,do you eat fruits and vegetables every day?,Normal +33279,"no, i hate vegetables.",Normal +33280,but you eat fruits.,Normal +33281,"i eat two apples, one banana, and one orange every day.",Normal +33282,there's something wrong with my orange.,Normal +33283,what's wrong?,Normal +33284,it's not orange!,Normal +33285,your orange isn't orange?,Normal +33286,"no, it's dark pink!",Normal +33287,are you sure? i never heard of such a thing.,Normal +33288,"i just peeled it, and i'm looking at it right now.",Normal +33289,"let me see. yes, you're right. your orange is pink.",Normal +33290,who ever heard of such a thing?,Normal +33291,"oh, look. here's the little sticker that was on it. it's called a pink navel.",Normal +33292,what is this world coming to?,Normal +33293,i love peanuts.,Normal +33294,"me, too. i love them roasted and salted.",Normal +33295,i love boiled peanuts.,Normal +33296,boiled? i never heard of that.,Normal +33297,just boil raw peanuts in salt water until the shells are soft.,Normal +33298,i'll have to try them sometime.,Normal +33299,they're best when they're hot.,Normal +33300,my brother is allergic to peanuts.,Normal +33301,that's not good.,Normal +33302,"no, it isn't. he almost died when he was little.",Normal +33303,i guess he has to be very careful about what he eats.,Normal +33304,i'm gaining weight.,Normal +33305,how much have you gained?,Normal +33306,three pounds just this month.,Normal +33307,do you know why?,Normal +33308,i think it's the ice cream.,Normal +33309,you started eating ice cream?,Normal +33310,it was on sale.,Normal +33311,how much did you buy?,Normal +33312,i filled up my freezer with ice cream.,Normal +33313,"well, it won't last forever.",Normal +33314,"no, i figure i'll finish it all by next week.",Normal +33315,i'm stuffed.,Normal +33316,of course you are. you ate everything on the table.,Normal +33317,i don't like to eat leftovers.,Normal +33318,i'm glad to hear there's something you don't like to eat.,Normal +33319,i like my food hot and fresh.,Normal +33320,you like to see it disappear.,Normal +33321,i don't like it reheated.,Normal +33322,"well, you'll have hot fresh food tomorrow night.",Normal +33323,i'm so full i'm going to burst.,Normal +33324,you should loosen your belt.,Normal +33325,i already loosened my belt and unbuttoned my pants.,Normal +33326,i saw what you did.,Normal +33327,i didn't do anything.,Normal +33328,"oh yes, you did.",Normal +33329,what are you talking about?,Normal +33330,you know what i'm talking about.,Normal +33331,i don't have any idea.,Normal +33332,you know what you did.,Normal +33333,"maybe i know, but how could you know?",Normal +33334,because i was watching you.,Normal +33335,"okay, i'm sorry i did it.",Normal +33336,don't drink milk out of the carton. use a glass!,Normal +33337,i like that shirt.,Normal +33338,so do i.,Normal +33339,how much is it?,Normal +33340,i don't know. the tag is missing.,Normal +33341,ask the clerk.,Normal +33342,i will.,Normal +33343,"oh, look. here's another shirt just like it.",Normal +33344,does it have a price tag?,Normal +33345,"yes, it does. it's only $20.",Normal +33346,that's a great price.,Normal +33347,i think i'll buy both of them.,Normal +33348,i bought you a pair of pants.,Normal +33349,thank you.,Normal +33350,i hope they fit.,Normal +33351,i hope you kept the receipt.,Normal +33352,you think they won't fit?,Normal +33353,i think i've put on some weight.,Normal +33354,you think?,Normal +33355,maybe a pound or two.,Normal +33356,maybe four or five pounds?,Normal +33357,my waist is bigger than it was.,Normal +33358,no problem. these pants have an elastic waistband.,Normal +33359,what do we need to buy?,Normal +33360,let me look at our list.,Normal +33361,i know that we need milk.,Normal +33362,nonfat.,Normal +33363,of course. what else?,Normal +33364,"we need cheese, bread, and ham.",Normal +33365,what kind of cheese?,Normal +33366,swiss.,Normal +33367,"of course, the cheese with holes in it.",Normal +33368,i never used to buy swiss cheese.,Normal +33369,why not?,Normal +33370,i need some pants.,Normal +33371,i thought you just bought a pair.,Normal +33372,i did.,Normal +33373,what's wrong with them so soon?,Normal +33374,"the pants are fine, but the pocket has a huge hole in it.",Normal +33375,you shouldn't carry your keys and pens in your pocket.,Normal +33376,but that's what pockets are for.,Normal +33377,you should carry them in a purse.,Normal +33378,"i'm a man, and men don't carry purses!",Normal +33379,"well, you should buy pants with stronger pockets.",Normal +33380,i would if i could find someone who makes strong pockets.,Normal +33381,what are those wipes for?,Normal +33382,you use them to wipe the handle of the shopping cart.,Normal +33383,that's a great idea.,Normal +33384,"yes, all the markets just started offering wipes to shoppers.",Normal +33385,i'm going to take five wipes.,Normal +33386,what do you need five of them for?,Normal +33387,"one to wipe the handle, and the others to wipe the produce.",Normal +33388,what's the matter with the produce?,Normal +33389,do you think the bananas fell from the sky?,Normal +33390,what do you mean?,Normal +33391,"i mean, someone used their dirty hands to pick the bananas, the apples, and the oranges.",Normal +33392,did you go to the 99 cents store?,Normal +33393,"yes, i did.",Normal +33394,what did you buy?,Normal +33395,"well, i got a lot of good deals, as usual.",Normal +33396,like what?,Normal +33397,"well, a dozen large eggs were only 99 cents.",Normal +33398,that's a good deal.,Normal +33399,and a one-pound tub of soft butter was the same price.,Normal +33400,another good deal.,Normal +33401,but the best deal was five pounds of potatoes for 99 cents.,Normal +33402,i don't know how that store makes money.,Normal +33403,i need a new computer.,Normal +33404,what's the matter with yours?,Normal +33405,it's six years old.,Normal +33406,that's pretty old.,Normal +33407,"it still works, but i'm going to give it to a charity.",Normal +33408,are you going to buy a desktop or laptop?,Normal +33409,"oh, a laptop, of course.",Normal +33410,a pc or a mac?,Normal +33411,i haven't decided yet.,Normal +33412,more and more people are using macs.,Normal +33413,but 90 percent of the world uses pcs.,Normal +33414,i got ripped off.,Normal +33415,what happened?,Normal +33416,"i had a car problem, so i went online.",Normal +33417,did you find a solution?,Normal +33418,"yes, i did. a site i went to said they would send me the solution.",Normal +33419,"so, what's the problem?",Normal +33420,"i sent them $20 using my credit card, but they never sent me the solution.",Normal +33421,what are you going to do?,Normal +33422,i sent them an email asking for my money back.,Normal +33423,have you heard from them?,Normal +33424,not yet. it's been a week.,Normal +33425,where's the pencil sharpener?,Normal +33426,which one?,Normal +33427,any one. i need to sharpen this pencil.,Normal +33428,i think there's one on the dining room table.,Normal +33429,i already looked there.,Normal +33430,did you look in the desk drawer?,Normal +33431,"yes, i looked there, too.",Normal +33432,don't we have about five sharpeners?,Normal +33433,"yes, but they seem to have legs.",Normal +33434,tomorrow i'm going to buy an electric sharpener.,Normal +33435,get one with the rubber suction cups on the bottom.,Normal +33436,i'm trying to stretch my dollars.,Normal +33437,how are you doing that?,Normal +33438,i started shopping at the dollar store.,Normal +33439,that saves a lot of money.,Normal +33440,i bought three pounds of potatoes for a dollar.,Normal +33441,that's a good deal.,Normal +33442,"yes, even though some of the potatoes had eyes.",Normal +33443,just put them in the fridge.,Normal +33444,"also, i bought a can of cheap coffee and a bag of good coffee.",Normal +33445,why did you do that?,Normal +33446,i mixed them together.,Normal +33447,i really like this house.,Normal +33448,can we afford it?,Normal +33449,they want 20 percent down.,Normal +33450,that's a lot of money.,Normal +33451,but the house is so nice.,Normal +33452,it's in a great neighborhood.,Normal +33453,it's close to the beach.,Normal +33454,it's close to the freeways.,Normal +33455,it's got a big yard.,Normal +33456,"the kids love the house, too.",Normal +33457,"if we don't buy it, someone else will.",Normal +33458,we can't afford this house.,Normal +33459,are you sure?,Normal +33460,"we will be house rich, but cash poor.",Normal +33461,what do you mean?,Normal +33462,our monthly payments will be too high.,Normal +33463,we won't have any money for other things?,Normal +33464,"no, we won't have money for gas or food.",Normal +33465,we'll be eating peanut butter sandwiches?,Normal +33466,without the peanut butter!,Normal +33467,that's no good!,Normal +33468,we have to find a cheaper house.,Normal +33469,that is a beautiful house.,Normal +33470,i don't like it.,Normal +33471,what's the matter with it?,Normal +33472,it's on the corner.,Normal +33473,so?,Normal +33474,that means it gets twice as much traffic.,Normal +33475,you're right.,Normal +33476,"when you're inside, you will always hear cars stopping and stopping at the intersection.",Normal +33477,or you'll hear the collision if someone doesn't stop.,Normal +33478,or you'll see the collision if they crash into the house.,Normal +33479,let's find a house that's at the end of a dead end.,Normal +33480,i hate looking for an apartment.,Normal +33481,"me, too.",Normal +33482,we have a 2 o'clock appointment to see the one on main street.,Normal +33483,we'd better get ready to go.,Normal +33484,it's an upstairs unit.,Normal +33485,"that's good, because i don't want to live under people with loud feet.",Normal +33486,and it's a corner unit.,Normal +33487,that's great. we won't have neighbors on both sides of us.,Normal +33488,no pets are allowed.,Normal +33489,perfect. we don't have to listen to barking dogs.,Normal +33490,and there are only six units in the whole building.,Normal +33491,did you call the manager?,Normal +33492,yes. he said he'd come over tomorrow.,Normal +33493,did he say what time?,Normal +33494,yes. he said he'd be here at 9 o'clock.,Normal +33495,did he understand what the problem is?,Normal +33496,yes. i told him our doorbell doesn't work.,Normal +33497,it shouldn't take him long to fix it.,Normal +33498,i don't even know why we need to fix it.,Normal +33499,in case we have visitors.,Normal +33500,but they can just knock on the door.,Normal +33501,"actually, i want him to look at our carpet, too.",Normal +33502,do you like this house?,Normal +33503,"yes, it's beautiful.",Normal +33504,it's perfect for us and the kids.,Normal +33505,"three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a big back yard.",Normal +33506,and we can afford it!,Normal +33507,so are we going to buy it?,Normal +33508,i'm afraid not.,Normal +33509,"it's too far from your job, isn't it?",Normal +33510,i can't spend four hours on the road every day.,Normal +33511,"by the time you get home, you'll be too tired to even eat.",Normal +33512,i won't be able to play with the kids.,Normal +33513,"boy, it's chilly outside, isn't it?",Normal +33514,it sure is.,Normal +33515,"in fact, it's chilly in the apartment, too.",Normal +33516,let's turn on the heat.,Normal +33517,i'll check to make sure that all the windows are shut.,Normal +33518,it should be warmer in a few minutes.,Normal +33519,it's so nice to have a heated apartment.,Normal +33520,how did they survive in the old days?,Normal +33521,they had fireplaces.,Normal +33522,someone had to chop the wood.,Normal +33523,and carry it into the house.,Normal +33524,this is a nice neighborhood.,Normal +33525,the streets are clean and quiet.,Normal +33526,the neighbors don't party on the weekends.,Normal +33527,people take care of their lawns.,Normal +33528,no rusty old cars are sitting in the front yards.,Normal +33529,we never have to call the police about anything.,Normal +33530,our kids are completely safe.,Normal +33531,so why are we selling our house?,Normal +33532,they're building a 3-story apartment building on the corner.,Normal +33533,so we've got to sell before property values go down?,Normal +33534,yes. i still can't believe our city council allowed this building.,Normal +33535,that was a huge fire in santa barbara.,Normal +33536,"yes, it was.",Normal +33537,they said about 30 houses burned to the ground.,Normal +33538,and they were expensive houses.,Normal +33539,i feel so sorry for those people.,Normal +33540,why feel sorry for rich people?,Normal +33541,i feel sorry for anyone who loses their home.,Normal +33542,"so do i, but not if they're rich.",Normal +33543,what does that have to do with it?,Normal +33544,rich people think they're better than us.,Normal +33545,how many rich people do you know?,Normal +33546,bears are invading our neighborhoods.,Normal +33547,of course they are. they're starving to death.,Normal +33548,they should stay in the woods where they belong.,Normal +33549,there's no food in the woods.,Normal +33550,can't they eat grass?,Normal +33551,do you think a bear is a cow?,Normal +33552,"well, i've seen them eating berries.",Normal +33553,berries aren't in season all year round.,Normal +33554,it's too dangerous for kids and pets.,Normal +33555,people need to cover their trash cans.,Normal +33556,the police need to shoot all the bears.,Normal +33557,who did you vote for?,Normal +33558,i voted for obama.,Normal +33559,me too.,Normal +33560,he will be a great president.,Normal +33561,everyone likes him.,Normal +33562,he's a good speaker.,Normal +33563,and he's really smart.,Normal +33564,he will solve our problems.,Normal +33565,he will end the war.,Normal +33566,the next four years will be good years.,Normal +33567,"i'll vote for him next time, too.",Normal +33568,the election is next week.,Normal +33569,who are you voting for?,Normal +33570,i'm not voting for the mayor.,Normal +33571,why not?,Normal +33572,he made promises that he didn't keep.,Normal +33573,like what?,Normal +33574,"he promised to hire 1,000 more police officers.",Normal +33575,how many did he hire?,Normal +33576,one hundred!,Normal +33577,maybe he had a good reason.,Normal +33578,maybe he's just a liar.,Normal +33579,i can't believe he won the election.,Normal +33580,only 15 percent of the voters turned out.,Normal +33581,that is a joke.,Normal +33582,"voting is so important, but people don't bother.",Normal +33583,many people think their vote doesn't matter.,Normal +33584,"the mayor won by only 2,000 votes.",Normal +33585,we're stuck with him for four more years.,Normal +33586,voting is so easy. you can even mail your ballot in.,Normal +33587,all you have to do is vote and put a stamp on it.,Normal +33588,how easy is that?,Normal +33589,i guess people just don't care.,Normal +33590,"well, we have a new president.",Normal +33591,but we have the same old problems.,Normal +33592,"well, he's made a few changes.",Normal +33593,like what?,Normal +33594,i think he closed the bowling alley in the white house.,Normal +33595,"oh, yeah. he's changing it to a basketball court.",Normal +33596,who's paying for that?,Normal +33597,i think we are!,Normal +33598,"well, that's okay, as long as it helps him relax and think more clearly.",Normal +33599,"yes, we need a relaxed president who thinks clearly.",Normal +33600,do any other world leaders have a basketball court?,Normal +33601,people say that everybody loves obama.,Normal +33602,"well, more than 50 million people voted for mccain.",Normal +33603,that's 50 million people who don't love obama.,Normal +33604,obama's got four years to make everyone happy.,Normal +33605,he's never going to make everyone happy.,Normal +33606,can you imagine being president?,Normal +33607,everyone wants you to solve their problems.,Normal +33608,i have enough stress from trying to solve my own problems.,Normal +33609,you and everybody else.,Normal +33610,i would never want to be president.,Normal +33611,but think about all the power you'd have.,Normal +33612,did you read this article?,Normal +33613,what article?,Normal +33614,it says the mayor spends only 11 percent of his time on city duties.,Normal +33615,only 11 percent?,Normal +33616,about 50 percent of the time he's traveling.,Normal +33617,where does he travel to?,Normal +33618,"oh, all over the world.",Normal +33619,but he's supposed to be making our city a better place.,Normal +33620,he's visiting other cities to get ideas.,Normal +33621,can't he just go online?,Normal +33622,the rest of the time he's raising money for his reelection.,Normal +33623,who did you vote for for president?,Normal +33624,i voted for ralph nader.,Normal +33625,who in the world is ralph nader?,Normal +33626,he's the best man for president.,Normal +33627,why's that?,Normal +33628,he hates corporations.,Normal +33629,"well, most corporations do think only about money.",Normal +33630,he hates democrats and republicans.,Normal +33631,"well, they do put their party before their country.",Normal +33632,he's the only candidate that i trust.,Normal +33633,but he didn't have a chance. nobody voted for him!,Normal +33634,i don't know why i bother to vote.,Normal +33635,why's that?,Normal +33636,what good does it do?,Normal +33637,you get to put someone in power that you like.,Normal +33638,only if my candidate wins.,Normal +33639,"well, he can't win unless you and others vote for him.",Normal +33640,"but even if my candidate wins, he'll break his promises.",Normal +33641,that's true. they promise anything just so they get elected.,Normal +33642,"and when elected, they go their own way.",Normal +33643,they forget who put them in power.,Normal +33644,they forget where they came from.,Normal +33645,that election for u.s. senator stunk.,Normal +33646,what do you mean?,Normal +33647,there were more votes than voters!,Normal +33648,but that's impossible.,Normal +33649,officials said that it's possible.,Normal +33650,did they explain how it's possible?,Normal +33651,no. they said there are some things you can't explain.,Normal +33652,so are they going to hold another election?,Normal +33653,no. that will cost too much money.,Normal +33654,so it's better to save money than to have an honest election?,Normal +33655,"well, the democratic party says it was an honest election.",Normal +33656,i see that former president bush is at a conference.,Normal +33657,yes. he's telling jokes about his eight years as president.,Normal +33658,"yes, those eight years were a lot of fun for everyone.",Normal +33659,"only 4,000 american soldiers were killed overseas.",Normal +33660,"not to mention 40,000 wounded soldiers.",Normal +33661,but bush visited some of them in the hospital once.,Normal +33662,that's nice that he found the time to make a visit.,Normal +33663,he spoke to them and made them feel better.,Normal +33664,did he speak to every family that lost a soldier?,Normal +33665,"no, he didn't have time to do that.",Normal +33666,"well, he's got plenty of time now!",Normal +33667,did you get your official sample ballot?,Normal +33668,"yes, with the voter instructions.",Normal +33669,how are you going to vote?,Normal +33670,"same as ever, by mail. all it costs me is a 42-cent stamp.",Normal +33671,"i meant, are you going to vote for or against the new taxes?",Normal +33672,"against all of them, of course.",Normal +33673,"but we need new taxes to pay for highways, schools, and prisons.",Normal +33674,we've already voted for new taxes to pay for all that stuff!,Normal +33675,that's true. where did that money go?,Normal +33676,our legislators spent it on first-class travel all over the world.,Normal +33677,they are having a good time with our money.,Normal +33678,have you decided how you are going to vote?,Normal +33679,"do you mean on measures 1, 2, and 3?",Normal +33680,"yes. the ones that will improve our schools, roads, and hospitals.",Normal +33681,you mean the measures that will raise our taxes.,Normal +33682,but the tv ads say that our taxes will not increase.,Normal +33683,do you believe the tv ads?,Normal +33684,i like the one where the fireman tells us why we should vote yes.,Normal +33685,"don't believe him! whatever the tv ads tell you, the opposite is true.",Normal +33686,"but the title of measure 1 is ""better schools at no cost.""",Normal +33687,"the title should be ""better schools at huge cost.""",Normal +33688,i can't believe that they would lie to us.,Normal +33689,i have a stomachache.,Normal +33690,is it something you ate?,Normal +33691,maybe. i'm not sure.,Normal +33692,what did you have for breakfast?,Normal +33693,"the usual, cereal with milk and a banana.",Normal +33694,maybe the milk was bad.,Normal +33695,it didn't smell bad.,Normal +33696,maybe the banana was bad.,Normal +33697,"no, the banana was delicious.",Normal +33698,maybe you just need to go to the bathroom.,Normal +33699,"no, that's not the problem.",Normal +33700,what's this stain?,Normal +33701,i don't know.,Normal +33702,it looks like blood.,Normal +33703,i think my nose was bleeding.,Normal +33704,you should wet your shirt immediately.,Normal +33705,why?,Normal +33706,because that gets the blood out of the shirt.,Normal +33707,what's a little blood?,Normal +33708,your white shirt is ruined.,Normal +33709,"so, i'll just buy another one.",Normal +33710,you can wear this one around the house.,Normal +33711,my fingers hurt.,Normal +33712,why do they hurt?,Normal +33713,i type too much.,Normal +33714,you should take a break.,Normal +33715,i need to type to make money.,Normal +33716,but typing is causing you pain.,Normal +33717,maybe i should see a doctor.,Normal +33718,doctors are too expensive.,Normal +33719,he might tell me to rest for a while.,Normal +33720,he might want to cut you open.,Normal +33721,he might say i'm okay.,Normal +33722,what did the doctor say?,Normal +33723,he thinks i have too much stress.,Normal +33724,stress causes your stomachaches?,Normal +33725,stress causes different problems with different people.,Normal +33726,so what did he tell you to do?,Normal +33727,he said i need to think positive.,Normal +33728,he didn't give you any medication?,Normal +33729,i hate medication. it makes me feel different.,Normal +33730,so how do you think positive?,Normal +33731,i think about nice things.,Normal +33732,like what?,Normal +33733,i cut my finger.,Normal +33734,how did you do that?,Normal +33735,it's a paper cut.,Normal +33736,paper can be dangerous.,Normal +33737,"it hurts, too.",Normal +33738,paper cuts can hurt a lot.,Normal +33739,where are the band-aids?,Normal +33740,i think they're in the medicine cabinet.,Normal +33741,it's on the tip of my finger.,Normal +33742,a band-aid might not work.,Normal +33743,i must not use this finger until the cut heals.,Normal +33744,do you smell that?,Normal +33745,"oh, yes.",Normal +33746,i can't stand cigarette smoke.,Normal +33747,it smells so bad.,Normal +33748,one cigarette stinks up the whole sidewalk.,Normal +33749,smokers think they are so cool.,Normal +33750,they are so weak.,Normal +33751,a little cigarette controls them.,Normal +33752,they look so stupid taking a puff.,Normal +33753,and then they blow smoke out of their mouth.,Normal +33754,they think it's cool.,Normal +33755,do you have a cold?,Normal +33756,"yes, i do.",Normal +33757,how did you get it?,Normal +33758,my sister had a cold. she gave it to me.,Normal +33759,have you taken anything for your cold?,Normal +33760,"no, i just blow my nose a lot.",Normal +33761,your nose is stopped up?,Normal +33762,yes. i have to breathe through my mouth.,Normal +33763,have you tried nose drops?,Normal +33764,"no, i don't like nose drops.",Normal +33765,they work great.,Normal +33766,"would you put suntan lotion on my back, please?",Normal +33767,sure.,Normal +33768,thank you.,Normal +33769,you shouldn't lie in the sun for too long.,Normal +33770,i want to get a tan. i don't want to look so pale.,Normal +33771,what's wrong with looking pale?,Normal +33772,people think you might be sick.,Normal +33773,who thinks that?,Normal +33774,i don't know.,Normal +33775,it's better to be pale than to have skin cancer.,Normal +33776,i know that.,Normal +33777,i can't quit smoking.,Normal +33778,of course you can.,Normal +33779,i don't have enough will power.,Normal +33780,of course you do.,Normal +33781,i wish i had never started.,Normal +33782,so does every smoker.,Normal +33783,i've tried to quit so many times.,Normal +33784,so has everyone else.,Normal +33785,nothing seems to work.,Normal +33786,"all it takes is will power, and you have it.",Normal +33787,then why can't i quit?,Normal +33788,my back is killing me.,Normal +33789,what did you do?,Normal +33790,i got out of my car.,Normal +33791,that's it?,Normal +33792,i injured my back one time just by sneezing.,Normal +33793,you should see a doctor.,Normal +33794,my doctor said i need surgery.,Normal +33795,so?,Normal +33796,"so, forget it.",Normal +33797,you don't have the money?,Normal +33798,i have no insurance.,Normal +33799,my brother smokes three packs a day.,Normal +33800,three packs of what?,Normal +33801,"cigarettes, of course.",Normal +33802,how can he do that?,Normal +33803,"when he is almost finished with one cigarette, he uses it to light another.",Normal +33804,he's a chain smoker.,Normal +33805,he's been a chain smoker for 30 years.,Normal +33806,that's unbelievable. can he still breathe?,Normal +33807,"he can, but the people around him can't.",Normal +33808,how can he still be alive?,Normal +33809,his doctor says his heart and lungs are strong and healthy.,Normal +33810,i hate brushing my teeth.,Normal +33811,it's such a chore.,Normal +33812,"brush, brush. spit, spit.",Normal +33813,what did they do in the old days?,Normal +33814,they brushed with their fingers.,Normal +33815,they also ate with their fingers!,Normal +33816,why do they call it the good old days?,Normal +33817,maybe because they didn't have to brush and floss.,Normal +33818,who invented flossing?,Normal +33819,"a dentist, i'm sure.",Normal +33820,i hate flossing more than brushing!,Normal +33821,let's stop for a while. i need a break and some water.,Normal +33822,this trail is hard to climb.,Normal +33823,especially on a hot day like this.,Normal +33824,i can't believe we haven't seen any animals.,Normal +33825,thank goodness! i don't want to see any wild animals.,Normal +33826,all we've seen so far is a couple of lizards.,Normal +33827,"we're hiking to lose weight, not to see goats and bears.",Normal +33828,i bet i've lost a couple of pounds already.,Normal +33829,all you've lost is some sweat.,Normal +33830,i haven't even lost one pound of fat?,Normal +33831,"if you want to lose fat, you've got to do this hike every day.",Normal +33832,"oh no, another pimple on my face.",Normal +33833,pimples suck.,Normal +33834,it seems like i get a new pimple almost every day.,Normal +33835,maybe it's something in your diet.,Normal +33836,"no, i eat the same things day after day.",Normal +33837,then maybe it's in your genes.,Normal +33838,you might be right.,Normal +33839,do pimples run in your family?,Normal +33840,not that i've noticed.,Normal +33841,"well, maybe it's from the pollution in the air.",Normal +33842,"whatever the cause, i hate seeing them on my face.",Normal +33843,do you believe everything you hear?,Normal +33844,i don't believe anything i don't see with my own eyes.,Normal +33845,you can't believe what you hear on tv or radio.,Normal +33846,you can't believe what you read in the newspapers.,Normal +33847,everyone tells you a different story about the same thing.,Normal +33848,three different people will give you three different stories.,Normal +33849,and the government will give you a fourth story.,Normal +33850,"yes, like the government says not to worry about the swine flu.",Normal +33851,but the swine flu just killed 20 people in mexico.,Normal +33852,the government says we have nothing to worry about.,Normal +33853,then why are some schools telling the kids to stay home?,Normal +33854,don't pick your nose.,Normal +33855,i wasn't picking my nose.,Normal +33856,what were you doing?,Normal +33857,i was scratching my nose.,Normal +33858,i think i know the difference between picking and scratching.,Normal +33859,"okay, mom, maybe i was picking it a little bit.",Normal +33860,use a tissue next time.,Normal +33861,i didn't have a tissue.,Normal +33862,then wait till you find a tissue.,Normal +33863,i couldn't wait. it was an emergency.,Normal +33864,"oh, really? maybe you should have called 911.",Normal +33865,our tv remote is filthy.,Normal +33866,"yes, it's covered with crud.",Normal +33867,i'm going to clean it.,Normal +33868,don't use water on it!,Normal +33869,i'll use a damp cloth.,Normal +33870,don't let water get into any of the cracks.,Normal +33871,i'll squeeze the cloth so it's almost dry.,Normal +33872,don't rub the numbers off the remote.,Normal +33873,i will rub gently but firmly.,Normal +33874,"do it quickly, please, so i can change channels during commercials.",Normal +33875,i'll give it back to you in a couple of minutes.,Normal +33876,my ear is killing me.,Normal +33877,what's the matter?,Normal +33878,i was on a plane.,Normal +33879,so?,Normal +33880,"so, every time the plane goes up, my ear starts to hurt.",Normal +33881,that's no good.,Normal +33882,"sometimes the pain goes away, and sometimes it doesn't.",Normal +33883,have you seen a doctor?,Normal +33884,i've been to two doctors.,Normal +33885,and they couldn't fix your problem?,Normal +33886,they both said i have to live with it.,Normal +33887,did you see the woman with the new face?,Normal +33888,did she get a nice job?,Normal +33889,"she got an ""everything"" job!",Normal +33890,what do you mean?,Normal +33891,a team of doctors gave her a whole new face.,Normal +33892,why did they do that?,Normal +33893,a mad dog bit most of her face off.,Normal +33894,"oh, that's terrible. what does she look like now?",Normal +33895,"her face is really fat, but they say the swelling will go down.",Normal +33896,and then will she look normal again?,Normal +33897,i guess so.,Normal +33898,there's something wrong with my right hand.,Normal +33899,what's wrong with it?,Normal +33900,it aches most of the time.,Normal +33901,what do you think it is?,Normal +33902,i don't know. i think it's old age.,Normal +33903,"if it's old age, why don't both of your hands hurt?",Normal +33904,that's a good question. maybe it's not old age.,Normal +33905,are you right-handed?,Normal +33906,yes. all my life.,Normal +33907,you're wearing out your right hand. stop using it so much.,Normal +33908,but i do all my writing with my right hand.,Normal +33909,"Final doctor appointment tomorrow, tired of constantly seeking reassurance! Ive decided that Im having my final doctor appointment tomorrow, this is something that has been a huge battle for me, but over the last weeks I have decided that this is the only way I can and will make it out of this anxiety. + + +Here is the deal: I have been experiencing multiple symptoms as mentioned before in other posts, the symptoms have varied from Brain fog, dizzyness, blurred vision, sore throat, swollen tonsils, coating on my tongue (yellow and white) very reduced energy, fatigue and headaches. The thing is that my sore throat and coating on my tongue wont go away, and my doctor said to come back if it didnt fade over time, the other symptoms tend to come and go so Ive kinda figured out that these are my main anxiety symptoms, which is good because then I know when im getting anxious and stressed out! + +Ive been a very heavy caffeine user over the past 2-3 years and ive tried to minimalize the usage of it, as I figured out that i basicly needed caffeine to function at times. Today i used a bigger dosage of caffeine and it really got me feeling off, so I guess i will be dropping it off completely, atleast for now when im feeling anxious and stressed out about my health situation. + +Even though I feel somewhat weak and off, Ive learned a lot from this fear of health problems, and I personally think that it had made me a more strong and better person. Tomorrow I will have my final chat with my doctor and I am ready to accept his word for the truth, hopefully this will take my mind to other places. Its wierd how something as minor as a sore throat lasting for a long time, can make you feel so sure its something serious!",Anxiety +33910,Anyone have bone or muscle pain that was stress/anxiety induced? Ive been having joint and muscle pain that worries me that I have leukemia. Anyone else deal with this?,Anxiety +33911,"Listening to your body? I'm curious how those of us with health anxiety can listen to our bodies. It seems the general advice when trying to figure out what's wrong is listen to your body, you know it best, you tell your doctor when something is off. But it doesn't really work that way when I'm convinced every itch means I have lymphoma or a pimple is a tumour...so how can people with health anxiety know when something is wrong?! I am starting to hate that, I just want to trust my doctor is right when she says I'm fine!",Anxiety +33912,"Weekly /r/HealthAnxiety Challenge - Exercise A Little ! Hello, sorry for all the weird Weekly posts lately, finally got it fixed and updated. Here's your next challenge! Let the thread know how it goes for you or share any tips! + +This challenge are for those who struggle to exercise due to health anxiety, a very common fear to have. But get up and try just a little to start if you have to, exercise has proven to be very beneficial for people with anxiety disorders. Take it slow!",Anxiety +33913,"This is killing me So i had a bacterial stomach infection(pain in the right side), thought it was appendix. Doctor gave some antibiotics and the pain went away. But that infection gave me health anxiety for life. +I’ve been having excessive gas since a month which is mostly due to stress. I was convinced i had stomach cancer, but no black stools or blood and I’m 20 so doctor ruled that out. +Then i was convinced that my kidney failed, but no. I googled a lot that night and was sure of it, woke up breathless that night.. insomnia took over. +Then i was convinced that i have brain tumor(google is evil), but haven’t really had even a single symptom. + +The only concern now is insomnia, has been a month now, I generally get 6-8 hours a day but wake up once or twice a night, I’m generally a deep sleeper. +Any solutions? +",Anxiety +33914,"Constant feeling of being just off For a week and a half now i have been feel off. It is hard to explain, but it is almost like a dizzy feeling without being dizzy. It is really driving me nuts. Health anxiety is the core of my anxiety and has been for years. The first thing that comes to mind is either a brain tumor or aneurysm. I just want to be ok and feel ok. Sorry for the rant. ",Anxiety +33915,"Health anxiety following stomach flu, anyone else? I have moderate to severe health anxiety especially when I’m sick, then it’s pretty severe. + +About 6 days ago I came down with a stomach virus and was violently puking and had water like diarrhea (sorry if TMI). By day 3 I was no longer feeling the nausea or diarrhea, but have a general sense of being unwell/dehydrated/drained. + +I feel as though my anxiety is playing a big factor because I can’t stop thinking about it and feel like I’m drained and depleted, which isn’t normal cause my energy is usually very high. + +Is it normal for constant worrying to drain you and wear you out physically??? ",Anxiety +33916,"The worst things about hypochondria Hypochondria is the worst thing to ever happen to me, everyday I’m crippled by it. I guess I just wanted to make a list of all the worst things I go through as a hypochondriac. + +1. Seeing healthy people and wishing you were like them (even though you probably are healthy but your brain is telling you you’re not) +2. Changing daily routines based off the health issue you think you have at the time +3. Changing your entire diet to become healthier (for me it has been limiting carbs and sugars because I’m afraid of developing diabetes) +4. Checking your pulse all the time to make sure your heart is beating properly (unfortunately for me my heart is never beating normally, I have constant heart palpitations and my heart races a lot, not even sure if it’s due to anxiety. I’m scared it’s something serious) +5. Having very bad mental health days where you can’t leave your house (this happens to me a lot) +6. Not knowing if your symptoms are caused by anxiety or something serious (this drives me absolutely insane) +7. Not being able to lead a normal productive (for me I can’t hold a job, because I always fear something bad will happen to me at work and I’ll panic) +8. Being triggered by seeing things on shows or in movies. For instance, a man has a heart attack in the show your watching and then you freak out about having a heart attack +9. Obsessively looking up symptoms and not being able to stop once you start +10. Wasting a ton of money on doctors appointments only for them to say you’re okay +11. Being in tons of debt from going to the ER because you think you’re dying +12. Always looking for reassurance from others, obsessively asking others if they ever have the same symptoms as you so you don’t feel alone + +These are the only ones I can think of right now, but feel free to list the things you deal with as a hypochondriac I’m curious about what others go through.",Anxiety +33917,"Swollen tonsil on the left side of my throat and white spots on it, they say its not strep. What could it be? They said the strep test came back negative. Can allergies cause swelling? They keep saying i need to get allergy medicine :/ I'm afraid they're not seeing the big picture and its gradually gonna get worse if not taken care of. Someone help please. Now im just scared the swollen tonsil will develop into something far worse + +Edit: Is it possible that its tonsil stones? ",Anxiety +33918,"I might be losing my mind... I’ve been suffering from health anxiety for around 6 months now. In the last 6 months I’ve convinced myself I’ve had pelvic inflammatory disease, cervical cancer, arthritis, periodontitis, and most recently lymphoma. + +I have a swollen lymph node on my neck that feels like two small lymph nodes stuck together, I’m worried they are matted, which typically points to cancer. I noticed the lump about two weeks ago, it’s maybe 1.5cm in size and moves when I press on it. + +Every day I bounce back and forth between anxiety and calmness. Although I say this each time I think I have a new disease, it seems so real this time and I have no idea what to do...",Anxiety +33919,"I've been crying all day - sure my time is up About 3 years ago, a good friend of mine passed away from acute leukemia at the age of 19. I was devastated, and with a lifelong battle with health anxiety it always lingered in my mind anytime I would get ill. Would this be the time I faced the same fate? + +Well now this time I'm more or less certain that the time has come. I came down with some infection from a coworker back on November 18th. At first is was merely a slight sore throat, some coughing, malaise. I began to feel better around the end of November. Then the first week of December the sore throat came back. And fever, severe congestion, cough, fatigue, achy muscles amongst other things. I began to feel better from that, but have not been the same since. As of right now, I have a terrible cough, irritated throat , congestion. I have been having night sweats where my neck and head get very damp, but I am not drenched and it only affects the head and neck. I am simply not myself. + +The positives that have kept me hopeful I do not have acute leukemia : +-I have been able to make it to the gym to lift about 3-4 times a week. I don't have much motivation to do so, but I make it and my strength is still there. +-I have not lost any weight, gained a few pounds actually, currently at 6'0"" and 220 pounds +-when I do feel bad, I'm never running a fever, my temp is usually somewhere between 96.9 and 98.5 +-I'm not bruising at all, even after bumping into things, and I don't have any petechia anywhere to suggest low platelets +- my infections haven't been severe, per se. I haven't had sore throats like that of strep and no mouth sores or bleeding gums , they've just been persistent +- I've been going out on the weekends with friends for a few drinks, which ironically when I am not sober I do not experience night sweats at all +- the guy who originally got me sick is still sick himself, and my entire family is sick back and forth + +But nonetheless, I can't help but think this is it for me. I just keep looking at pictures of my mom or baby sister or handmade birthday cards from my sister - just little sentimental things - and I start crying like a baby. I don't want to leave them, I don't want my family and friends to go through what my friend's loved ones went through three years ago when they lost her, I love life so much and I don't want it to end. It's all I can think about though. I don't really know where to go from here. Nobody in my family thinks it's odd I've been sick for the better part of 6 weeks, and I put on a front to everyone that I'm fine to not alarm them, but on the inside I'm falling apart.",Anxiety +33920,"Extreme tiredness all day every day Lately, I've been sleeping 12 hours a night and I wake up extremely tired, I can't move for hours because of the overwhelming tiredness. I keep falling back asleep after I hit snooze, and I have intense dreams right away, then my alarm goes off again and the same repeats until I drag myself out of bed because I'm too hungry. + +I am extremely tired all day as if I had multiple sleepless nights in a row, while I actually sleep 11 hours per night. I'm Feverish (but no fever most of the time), I feel like my forehead and eyes are hot and heavy, cold chills with sweating, extreme fatigue, muscular pain all over. I feel like I can't function properly, I'm sluggish and think slowly, my mind is clouded. My eyes keep going out of focus randomly. When someone talks to me, their voice echoes in my head, as if it was waking me up (while I'm already up and awake). I randomly start falling asleep/zone out even when standing up, and get a falling sensation when trying to resist. + +It's true I had insomnia for awhile, and whatnot, but I don't know why I keep being so tired now that I am sleeping. I do wake up multiple times per night, because my mouth is dry, or because I have to pee or other things, but it's not really new. I think my sleep is just not normal, or something is very wrong with me. + +I'm tired of being tired. I've convinced myself I probably have leukemia, anemia, sleep apnea, narcolepsy or something else. :( I don't even have the energy to go to the doctor. + +Am i dying? + +Edit: I've been taking Nexium for 5 months, and the leaflet says it can mess with your white blood cells, causing intense fatigue, pain all over and a fever. It can also cause hyponatremia, hypomagnesemia, hallucinations, insomnia +Etc. maybe that's the culprit? The side effect list also reads ""Sleep disorder"", what could it mean? I've tired stopping this drug but it's making me sick.",Anxiety +33921,"2018, already panicking... So, last year, I had multiple blood tests an X-ray and an ultrasound due to abdominal pain. I was also getting pains in my legs, and weird hot sensations too. + +Doc said bloods were fine, no lymphoma or leukaemia, or diabetes, and nothing else to worry about. + +Here I am 2 months later and I’m getting pain in my left arm too. In the muscles specifically. No idea of the cause. Worried as fuck. Also keep waking up itching (since I had oral thrush and took some meds, left me itching on and off) and had a rash this morning on my arms. + +Anyone have any ideas. All I can think is strain of some kind or low vitamin d but I’d expect that to show up in a blood test. Totally stressed about it all. ",Anxiety +33922,"Visiting my sick girlfriend across the country. What should I do? I’ve had a trip planned for months to visit my girlfriend across the US for 5 days. She is just now recovering from having a serious cold where she had 104 degree fever and intense symptoms. I would like to sleep in the same bed as her, but I know for a fact that I’m gonna get sick being so close to her for 5 days. The trip is still gonna happen and I’m leaving tomorrow. How should I go through with this without getting sick? Thanks guys! ",Anxiety +33923,"Bladder cancer and heart disease I'm 26 I kno that my age doesn't mean I'm invincible to all cancers or disease + +But can I have reassurance + +I pee a lot sometimes like 5+ an hour + +Idk. And I think have heart disease cuz I get skipped beats when I exercise so does that mean my heart cant handle stress",Anxiety +33924,"Skin cancer scare, any advice? I got this red mark on my face in december randomly, just saw it in the mirror one day. It hasn't gone away even though I tried cortison salves and stuff. + +It's light pink/red colored, like if you put pressure on the skin for a while. It's relatively even but have these really tiny ""bumps"" in it and it's under one of my eyes. I'm 28. Live in Scandinavia so no excessive sun... + +Please help, is it cancer?",Anxiety +33925,"Is this health anxiety? 1) checking temperature 10 times a day +2) checking blood pressure everyday +3) checking weight 10 times a day + +Thinking I might have a serious disease",Anxiety +33926,"Convinced I have lymphoma So I just turned 20 and I have myself totally convinced I have lymphoma. About two months ago I noticed a lymph node on the left side of my neck that was enlarged. Well, it's still there. It doesn't hurt (which I've read is more worrisome than painful ones), it fluctuates in size throughout the day, its not rock hard but it's not really soft, and I can't really move it that much. I'm really worried that it's lymphoma, I don't have any swollen lymph nodes under my arms, groin or collarbone that I can tell. Nor do I have any other symptoms that are commonly associated with lymphoma, but I know that a lot of people don't show any symptoms so it's not really reassuring. I don't have health insurance so I can't go to the doctor as I please. However I am trying to get into this affordable doctor near me within the next couple of weeks to ease my mind. I've been having panic attacks over it, last night I had one and I was seriously about to go to the ER but my boyfriend talked me down. It's so exhausting. + +Edit: Also, I haven't had any infections or been sick to cause the swelling ",Anxiety +33927,"Heart health anxiety Hi all, stumbled across this sub doing, what else, some late night symptom googling, and I couldn't be more glad to see it. I've had generalized anxiety for years, but recently it's started to manifest more as health anxiety, triggered when my cat died of sudden onset congestive heart failure a few months ago. + +I've had chest pain in the upper left side for almost a week now, and I can't seem to convince myself that I'm not dying. I've had two normal EKGs, normal bloodwork except for an elevated d dimer level, and a normal x-ray and CT. After all that, I'm still not able to stop my anxiety that the twinge in my arm is a heart attack, or the burning sensation in my back is an aortic dissection. Any suggestions for calming the anxiety beast? ",Anxiety +33928,"Carpal tunnel or als? This post is from my other post on askadoc and wanted to see what info I can get on here. Thanks in advance + +I am a 25 year old female. I went to the doctor a couple days ago, they did the phalan test and they said it’s carpal tunnel. But I occasionally feel weird nerve pain in my thighs and feet. I have no other symptoms other that minor twitching (that could be from researching so much on google). My grandmother died of ALS so it worries me whenever I have nerve issues. +",Anxiety +33929,"Finally getting better. My anxiety was to a point where every few days I was posting in the sub and r/Anxiety. I suspect my anxiety was worsened by being on antibiotics, at pretty heavy doses destroying my gut bacteria, and a hormone imbalance from going on and off of birth control after 5 years of being on it (been off it for 3 months now). Noticed it was WAY worse in the week leading up to my period, the week of, and a week after. This cycle, I actually only had anxiety *during*, and before it was because I was flying (huge fear of mine). Whatever imbalances I had, I think they've finally begun to balance out. + +Now, my only health fear at this moment is a DVT from the flight from LAX to Hawaii, even though I know it's mostly from long haul flights, and I obsessively made sure to move in my seat as much as possible... not to mention I was rather active during my stay in Hawaii. My left leg has some weird muscle twitches every so often, but none of the other symptoms- + in fact the twitches aren't even a symptom. But damn, I'm so much better than I was at my peak anxiety weeks. + +This year, going to go to therapy, and I've started exercising (though I'm afraid my heart will give out despite being only 21, pretty healthy with a perfect EKG and no health issues, and a former athlete, my heart races bc I'm simply just out of shape... baby steps). + +What helped me a lot was writing down my instances of anxiety, and working through them. It's called ABC therapy model used in CBT. http://images.slideplayer.com/20/6041594/slides/slide_10.jpg + +When I wrote down my current fixation, such as a brain tumor, I wrote down why I felt that way (even symptoms!), reasons why it's probably not likely (had two physical brain checks, docs said I was fine just head and neck tension, and I didn't have any severe symptoms). Then I wrote how I felt after working through it. + +Pinpointing my anxiety to particular times, such as my period, helped me realize that it's really likelu just a hormonal thing, and ya know, every time I was about to be or on my period I probably didn't have cancer or a tumor or some horrible disease or ailment because I knew it was most likely just anxiety. I encourage you all to journal your anxiety! It helps you see trends, it helps a ton to rationalize. + +",Anxiety +33930,"Soapy taste in mouth. Sodium Fluoride poisoning? I started noticing a soapy aftertaste when I was drinking coffee a little while ago. I first thought it was something in the coffee maker, but I then drank some water and it had the same soapy after taste. I had a friend taste the water and they said they didn't taste any soapiness. It became obvious it was just me. It's possible I got some shampoo in my mouth when I shower shortly before drinking the coffee, but I don't remember that happening. + +I decided to Google soapy taste in mouth, and it said it's a possible symptom of sodium fluoride poisoning. My hypochondriac side started getting worried. I drink a lot of unfiltered tap water but I don't know if that's enough to get sodium fluoride poisoning. + +I just got over a cold, so I don't know if that has anything to do it. This seems like a silly thing to be worried about, but Google gets me paranoid as usual. + +Am I good?",Anxiety +33931,"Naegleriasis I just used a neti pot to flush my sinuses. I did boil the water in an electric kettle, but I'm super nervous that I might still get infected and die. + +What is the possibility that I contract naegleriasis?",Anxiety +33932,"Panic attacks and asthma So recently I’ve been having regular panic attacks again after them being gone for about 5 and a half months. I am managing them ok (to my standards) but I have one problem. At a young age I was diagnosed with asthma and I still use my inhaler from time to time. Because of this whenever I have a panic attack I’m ok until I think about the usual “breathing exercises.” Then I get super conscious about my breathing and hyperventilate, thinking I’m suffering from an asthma attack even though I know it isn’t one. How do I stop this?",Anxiety +33933,"Flat Stool and Dull Stomach Pain. Could it be IBS? Colon Cancer? Just flat out Anxiety? Lately I've noticed that my stool has been softer, floating, and generally flatter than before. They are not absurdly flat, you'd only notice it if you examined them closely because they float around. I've really noticed this over the past couple of weeks. I haven't really had a solid and long stool in a while. In addition to this, I've been having some dull abdominal pain that kind of radiates on my sides and in the middle of my abdomen. Nothing that keeps me from walking around and exercising though. The pain radiates for a couple of minutes and subsides when I stop thinking about it. + +I went to the doctor two weeks ago complaining about the abdominal pain (this was before I noticed anything about the poop). I had a blood test and a urine test taken and basically they came back all clear. + +For the record, I'm 19, male, and overweight. My college diet combined with inaccessibility to the gym has caused me to gain weight over the past two years. + +My biggest questions for are these: When is the right time to contact my doctor again? Since the blood and urine tests came back completely normal, is it right to assume that my stool is just a byproduct of me being anxious and general change of diet? I'm on my school's winter break. Meaning this is a big diet change and physical activity change. I'm no longer eating food in bad dining halls, I'm making my own. + +IBS? Colon Cancer?? Please help me out. From Googling, I'm convinced I want a colonoscopy.",Anxiety +33934,Feels like there's Urine stuck in my penis all the time? Did and urine test and x-rays. Didn't hear back from either of them. Have a follow up on Monday and then likely I'll need an appointment with a urologist. I'm terrified this is something serious since infection has basically been ruled out unless it somehow didn't appear on tests.,Anxiety +33935,"Does anyone else worry about early-onset dementia? Firstly - I lurk here from time to time and I don't see this come up very often, so I'm sorry if this gives anyone yet more to worry about. Feel free to stop reading now! + +I don't know how this has got into my head, but you know how these things can suddenly take hold, right? You read something by mistake, or someone tells you something you didn't want to hear about how this guy got diagnosed with Alzheimer's in his 30s or whatever, and suddenly it's occupying your every waking moment. These ideas have taken root in my mind and I can't make them go away. + +I've been under a lot of stress at work for a long time. I'm responsible for the finances in a company which has been teetering on the edge of bankruptcy for several years, and in September I had my first ever panic attack over worries that we wouldn't be able to make payroll. I know intellectually that the symptoms I'm experiencing can rationally be explained by this, but still. I can't stop thinking about it. I've felt over the past few months that I can't think or write as fluently as I could. I make more mistakes. I feel scatterbrained and foggy, and I struggle to concentrate. I feel like it takes me longer to do things that should be much easier than I'm finding them. + +It's led me to start compulsively and repeatedly testing myself on things I ""should"" know, which of course makes the anxiety and racing thoughts worse. Can't instantly recall all my PINs and passwords? Dementia. Can't find the right word while I'm talking? Dementia. Repeat myself while I'm typing a sentence? Dementia. Can't remember who starred in that film I saw last week? Dementia. Can't remember every detail of my journey to work? Dementia. It's taken me ages to write this. Dementia. + +Flash forward a few years, and I see myself sat in a chair unable to recognise my family :-(. It's horrible. + +I just wanted to get this out. I know there are a lot of people in this sub who will have fellow feeling. Hope you're all doing OK.",Anxiety +33936,"fear of death and do i have mental illness?? every-night i keep thinking of death thinking how i would die and get panic attack , the reason why i wont sleep is because of this panic attack causing me to get insufficient sleep. + +i also used to have have thoughts of bolder and counting coins in my head and getting scared to move i know what im doing is silly but its just so scary it only happens rarely like once a year or a few years it used to happen when i was a child. is there something wrong with me ?",Anxiety +33937,"Eye stuff Hey, + +So sometimes when I look at a wall especially the sides that meet I see them getting distorted or even rippled. + + +Then when I start staring at them it becomes more rippled and then everything starts blending together making it look all white. +(walla are white) + +I just wanna know if anyone's had any similar experiences like this. Also just to be clear this only happens with the sides of the walls that meet its more noticeable in the dark but it also happens in the light as well. + +I am getting major anxiety over this so please fast replies would be appreciated ",Anxiety +33938,"Pins and Needles Sensation All Over I’m a 18 year old soon to to be 19 yo black male. I probably font have the healthiest lifestyle but I’m no doctor. For the past few days I’ve had this pins and needles sensation all over kind of like a numbness like I can see myself doing thing but I don’t feel it the same way. I’ve smoked weed pretty frequently over the past few weeks but I’m by no means a heavy smoker. I was wondering if this could be a symptom of early onset diabetes (not sure if it’s that severe though) or perhaps carpal tunnel because as my thumb has been giving me problem for several years as in got jammed by a football nd perhaps hasn’t healed properly. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated + + +",Anxiety +33939,"Dr.’s office blew up my phone about results of blood test I’ve been suffering from health anxiety for a few months now after a lymes disease scare in November. I found myself fine tuned to any aches/pains in my body at this time out of paranoia of getting lymes disease. After my blood test came back negative, I still felt these aches and pains and now started to attribute them to severe diseases, like cancer, and driving myself crazy. These pains seem to be deep in my bone and very painful, but I simply don’t know if they’re psychosomatic or real. I find it hard to believe I could imagine these pains, but at the same time I didn’t feel these pains before my scare back in November. I finally went to get a physical for the first time in 4 years last week and also requested a blood test. + +Fast forward to today, an unknown number called me 4 times and left a message the last time. It was the Dr.’s office notifying me my blood results came in. I feel very uneasy about this... why not call once and leave a message? The multiple calls are freaking me out and makes me feel the results are really bad. Also, does anyone know if my Lyme blood tests would’ve tested for cancer as well? I’m 22 years old if this helps btw. Thank you!",Anxiety +33940,"Wheezing and trouble getting air Damn, hypochondria is driving me crazy. Every little thing that I find wrong with me makes me immediately conclude that I have cancer. + +This time, I have realized that my breath is whistling when I exhale (wheezing). I also feel like I cannot get enough air, and must take deep breaths every 45 seconds or so. This has been going on for roughly three weeks and has not improved. + +Are there minor conditions that could be causing this? I hate hate hate that I automatically assume that I am going to die whenever I discover something like this. Any help would be *greatly* appreciated. ",Anxiety +33941,"Non-stop Coughing It all started last Saturday, when I started coughing up a little mucus. I passed it off as my asthma, but the coughing since then has gotten worse, and today I am running a low-grade fever. I'm really concerned that this is walking pneumonia, and I just can't deal with that right now. I have to attend a funeral out of state this weekend, and the thought of being sick and having to stay in a hotel room is just dreadful. The coughing is so persistent now that my throat is raw from it, and I'm scared I'll start coughing up blood. Oddly enough, my anxiety is not as bad over this, but I'm still pretty stressed out nonetheless.",Anxiety +33942,"Fear of getting pneumonia Sorry if it sounds stupid and selfish, but... + +My dad had to visit his mother in the hospital, we still don't know what she has but there are high chances that it might either be pneumonia or something worse. Anyway, of course I'm concerned about my grandmother and all the stress my father is going through, but I'm still recovering from a persistant cold, which increases the chances of getting pneumonia. + +What do I do?! Like, my biggest fear is not dying, but I can't waste more time in bed!",Anxiety +33943,"What is the one symptom that you simply can't ignore and make you 99% sure you gonna die? I can't handle feeling like I'm fainting. Everything else I can rationalize and calm myself after some time. + +But feeling like fainting... Oh man...",Anxiety +33944,"Could I have chronic appendicitis? Hello, I found this subreddit yesterday and it kinda makes me feel good that I know I'm not alone. About 3 days ago, I started to feel pain in my lower right abdomen. I only felt it when I was moving and coughing. Yesterday (2nd day of pain) it started to hurt more (about 6/10). Today it's better, but i still feel it. I didn't feel any pain when I touched it, but today I feel it a little, even when it's better when moving/coughing. I am scared of what it could be. Do you think it's normal to feel this kind of constant pain for 3 days straight? Btw I was on 4 sets of antibiotics last 2-3 months, I was even hospitalized because of 10kg weight loss, but it was probably due to mononucleosis I had. All tests in hospital went fine. Thanks for answers! I'm really scared that I have some serious condition, like all of us, of course.",Anxiety +33945,"Afraid I Contacted E. Coli I made burger Tuesday night and most of the way through eating it I found out the middle was very rare. I freaked out a little bit but tried not to stress about it, today I started getting diarrhea so now I'm afraid I actually have contacted E. Coli. The diarrhea doesn't have blood or anything in it and it may just be a coincidence but I'm somewhat freaking out. Overall I feel fine no nausea, and only had some cramping earlier in the morning but nothing in awhile. ",Anxiety +33946,"Dealing with Health Anxiety when you are looking forward to something that won't happen for several more months Does anyone's health anxiety increase when you start getting excited and start anticipating something that is a long time away, like several months or a year? For example, my wife and I booked a cruise in April. Everything is already paid for, all we have to do is show up. Unfortunately, when I start getting excited for it, my health anxiety kicks in and I can't help but think that I might not make it because the symptoms that my anxiety produces, and that my mind thinks are real, will end me before I can experience it. I feel like that heart attack that I've been worried about having for the past 10+ years will finally occur and prove every doctor I have seen wrong and that it will be the reason I won't be alive to experience this time that I am so looking forward too. Anyways, just venting. This happens to me on most everything that I am looking forward too if it's a long ways out.",Anxiety +33947,"Scared this isn't healthy anxiety anymore. -lightheaded/dizziness + +-Drooping/heavy eyes (one eye will feel lower than the other) + +-Trouble speaking at times. My chest vibrates and I can't speak for a second. + +-Right arm gets hot. + +I don't know what this is, but I'm scared it isn't anxiety anymore. I'm convinced I have strokes/seizures. + +",Anxiety +33948,"Eated just before deadlifting; thinking food trapped in lungs and am now going to die Happy new years everybody! + +I'm thinking I'm going to die right now. Fucking cool.",Anxiety +33949,"Trying a new way of thinking. My day normally looks something like this... +Oh man I'm dizzy. I wonder what that means. Any my left arm is weak. Is that a heart attack? Maybe a symptom of a small heart attack? Where did I get that bruse on my knee? Is that a sign of a blood clot? Should I go to the doctor again? Last time he told me to stop worrying about stuff like this. Is that a lump I'm the back of my head? Maybe that's what's causing my head ache... But what is the lump is another sign of a problem? Should I start documenting this? The doctor thinks I'm crazy but if I have all the symptoms with the times I had them he could surly run more tests. A friend I knew died for a blood clot that the doctors missed maybe my doctor missed something... etc + +Recently, I started asking my friends that don't have anxiety how they deal with strange feelings in their body. Every single one of them says that they almost immediately dismiss the thought. I can't even imagine what that feels like. I focus on a part of my body so much sometimes that I actually create pain that doesn't exist. So I dug a little bit deeper and asked what happens if they were walking around one day and all of a sudden they noticed that their left arm was weak and tingly. Most of my friends with without anxiety said the same thing. I guess my arm is weak today. And then that's it. If they have a headache or if they have a chest pain or if they have an upset stomach or if their leg hurts out of nowhere they just shrug it off and think oh I guess today I'm going to have a stomach ache or I guess I'm coming down with something or something to that nature. And then if it still hurts the next day they shrug it off again and only when it's continuing to do it for like a week do they actually think I'll maybe I should go to the doctor and have it looked at. But it's not in a panicky kind of way it's just kind of like almost annoyance. + +So I'm going to try that method. ""Oh I guess I have a headache today"". And try to leave it at that. If it lasts a week, all the talk to my doctor. + +Has anyone had success doing something like this? Like just changing the way you thought?",Anxiety +33950,"skipping beats and not feeling well overall Hi all, so recently i tried mountain climbing, During this mountains climbing i've had a few irregular beats that scared the hell out of me, it never happened to me before when i was exercising until this time. It feels like my heart skips a beat and then i feel i big thud in my chest. since then i've been too scared to excercice. i went to the emergency room because i couldn't wait till morning, i've had an ecg done and then they told me that everything looks just fine, and it is not necessary to do any further tests. but i feel like something is missing, since i feel constant dizziness and my body overall feels very weak. Is this normal? +I also got anxiety and health anxiety for some time now. ",Anxiety +33951,"For those of you who once thought you had brain cancer, or ALS, or Alzheimer's, etc What changed your mind? My memory has gotten so bad ever since I got into this panicked depressive state that I can barely remember my friends names or anything from before 24 hours ago. Brain is so foggy I can barely count. Did you guys also have this, and what convinced you that it was just anxiety? Did it go away once you took control of your anxiety? ",Anxiety +33952,"Heart feels like it's beating too hard Hello. I've been sick for the past week or so (I think it's the flu), and I'm on the tail end of it. Just earlier today I started having some discomfort in my chest and so I've been trying to avoid using those muscles too much. I just woke up ~10 minutes ago, and my heart was beating 80 times per minute, and way harder than normal. it's now 20 minutes since I woke up, and it's going back down closer to normal. This has happened to me only a few times in the past year, and I'm worried it might be something serious.",Anxiety +33953,"One hell of a year Hi, just discovered this subreddit and wanted to sort of share my experience with this. For the last 7 months or so I was totally convinced I had some sort of cancer. It all started when noticed a swollen lymph node on the side of my neck. The lymph node had been swollen for about 2 years and i never thought anything of it until i went to ol' Dr Google. Fast forward countless doctors appointments, a spur of the moment ER visit, CT Scans, and an eventual biopsy and it turns out I don't have any life threatening conditions. +I got so obsessed with cancer that I started going to dermatology clinics because I was convinced that some of my moles looked suspicious (of course they were fine). +I mean, I worked outside a lot without sunscreen and a permanently swollen lymph node is unusual, so I guess I was right to be somewhat concerned. However, I really blew it all out of proportion for a long time and despite all evidence pointing to being healthy, I cannot shake this sense of impending doom that I've had for the last 7 months. It's honestly making it hard to move on with my life and enjoy things. Anyone else have issues like this? How do you deal with it?",Anxiety +33954,"I can’t wait for this health anxiety phase to be over with. Als or carpal tunnel? Female age 26 +Duration of complaint - 3 weeks. +Area on body- hands, arms, sometimes feet and thighs. + +I went to the doctor a week ago who diagnosed me with carpal tunnel. And gave me a brace that helped a little. Hand pain coincided with symptoms of carpal tunnel but it still made me nervous because my grandmother died of als and nerve pain always puts me on edge. + +I don’t show any other signs of als besides very little muscle twitching. + +I am doing some weird things to test myself through out the day. For example. Testing my WPM ( words per minute) that I can type. Which is 75 words per minute . (I do this to see if I have any weakness in my hands) I am standing on one foot to see if I can balance myself and shit like that. Also, tonight I just came home from dinner and I was holding a fork and I noticed it felt very odd in my hands. (It was a heavier than normal fork because it was at a steak house.) I also have health anxiety but I wish I knew I was okay. So I can stop worrying. + +I feel some pins and needles in my hands and light shooting pain in my arms and feet and thighs. Any help would be appreciated . Thank you. ",Anxiety +33955,"I think I have bone cancer Im 20 years old (male) and im 6' 3"" 170 lbs + +Let me start of by saying that for most of my life i think i have symptoms and i think im gonna die everytime untill i finally go to the doctor aand find out its some minor problem. + +Ok so in spring of 2015 i noticed the muscle above my knee was twitching a lot so i got into the habit of feeling that area every day until i noticed a hard lump developing on my bone. I was CERTIAN i had bone cancer until i found out i had osteochondroma wich is a benign tumor and not life threatining. I decided not to have it removed. + +Two years later (this last summer) i started have muscle twitches all over my body. Those lasted like 5 months and they still happen occasionally but mostly they've been replaced by painful/tender spots on various bones in my body including my spine. + +Anyways the bones in my feet hurt a lot and in my hands. Butttt basically every bone in my body has a spot where it hurts. + +My pee also started burning last summer and i was tested for various STDs and the doctor just kinda brushed it off just like he did with all of the other symptoms im describing. And idk if this is related but ive been constipated for 11 days but i can go with laxatives. + +I usually go to the gym but havent in a week in a half due to travel and ive actually gained 20 pounds (in muscle) over the last 6 months. + +What i really want to know is there ANY possibility that this isnt serious? + +And for those wondering i'm going to the doctor to get this checked out as soon as im back in town. + +Also i stopped taking my adhd meds about a month ago that id been taking for 5 years",Anxiety +33956,"Hey guys. Please check this out. My heart goes out to all of you experiencing this. It is crippling and mental torture when it gets out of hand and it feels like it has so much control over you. The world definitely puts enough things out there to scare us, but not enough to comfort us and assuage our fears. There is definitely a lack of balance and it's so frustrating because mental health is SO important. Anxiety can make you feel like you are going crazy and to me, that is the scariest and most deeply troubling symptom. The feeling that I can't trust my mind/myself and that I've lost who I am completely and I'll never be the same. That's what fear and anxiety can do to you when not properly addressed! That being said, after WEEKS of constantly- and I mean CONSTANTLY- searching on google for self-help, I have FINALLY found a resource that is starting to help me. Most of the resources I've found only scratch the surface and are really tailored to mild anxiety- they don't really help. I am only on the second module, but this is the most helpful source I have found for this illness and I am hopeful that I will get better. Please please pleaseeeee at least look at this. Give it a chance and open your mind to the possibility that you can be okay again. Much love 💕 [Helping Health Anxiety ](http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53) ",Anxiety +33957,"ecoli fear!! i just saw on the news about romaine lettuce and outbreaks of dangerous ecoli. I am now hysterical and having massive panic attacks that I will get it since I ate that lettuce yesterday. I cant stop googling symptoms and dangers and am making everyone mad. I am so afraid and cant calm down. Also, I feel sick but cant tell if its my anxiety or the lettuce now. Helo!",Anxiety +33958,"Anyone ever have dreams that it's real? I had a dream I was having major heart arrhythmia.. + +Shit plagues me even in my sleep.",Anxiety +33959,"Nervous about Hantavirus I cleaned out a large shed with two other guys. There was mouse poop in a ton of places and we had little to no ventilation in there because of the cold temperatures (trying to keep the heat inside.) + +We were sweeping and moving things so the turds were definitely aerosoled. It's been 3 days and I'm nervous about hanta. I've already read about it before and had anxiety about it when cleaning mouse poop out of my truck. My only reassurance is that there has never been a case of hanta in my state. I live in the northeast....do you think I'll be okay?",Anxiety +33960,"Slipped and fell two weeks ago and afraid of getting a scan I slipped and fell on my right side. I only had a small visible bruise on my upper thigh by my waist. + +However, it seems it affected my whole leg. My upper thigh is tight and it feels like if you exercised and overstretched it. My knee is tight also, doesn't seem smooth when I move it, and has been popping/cracking alot more. + +I have full range of motion, but everything still feels sore. I really wanted to avoid going to the doctor but I might have no choice. + +A couple days ago I was in a dentist's office and I read an article about CT scans in Men's Health. It was basically talking about how risky it is, especially for young people, because of how much radiation it gives off. I'm not sure what the doctor would order for me, but I'm afraid of getting into a situation where I either have to refuse doctor's orders or get a scan and then have anxiety for the rest of my life about getting cancer from the radiation.",Anxiety +33961,"List of Health Anxiety symptoms So let's face it, health anxiety seems to create a whole host of strange symptoms. I've had loads, from heart palpitations, bounding pulse to just feeling like I was about to ""switch off"". So many more but I thought I'd start the list with those, please feel free to add to it. + +I think if we all put symptoms we've experienced down, it's useful to check the list and be like ""oh it's just anxiety"". ",Anxiety +33962,Struggling I struggle with rabies anxiety daily and now someone my family knows of has it.like wtf man I always felt better thinking it was rare but this hits to close for comfort idk what to do.,Anxiety +33963,"Head injury worries? I constantly worry about head injuries, because I constantly worry if a hit to my head was significant to cause a concussion. + + +For example, I was laying in bed on my (not very heavy) laptop, and I accidentally pushed it into my chin. It wasn't a super hard hit, it didn't hurt, but I immediately started worrying that I could have a concussion. My head was against a pillow too, but the reading I did claimed that it's worse if your head doesn't move. + + +I mean, I don't notice myself feeling especially nauseaous or dizzy, but I can't stop worrying. It seems like most concussion stories involve something more significant than that. Are small hits like that something to worry about? Does anyone have any expertise as when to start worrying about a concussion?",Anxiety +33964,"heart health anxiety hi, guys. this is my first time posting. I’ve been dealing with health anxiety for the past 6 years, and my new focus is my heart. I have a mitral valve prolapse, and I’m currently taking a beta blocker to help with palpitations. I’ve been to the ER and a cardiologist, all who have sent me home saying that I am fine. + +I just can’t stop worrying that I’m having heart failure or a heart attack. I’ve had 2 CT scans done on my chest. I also had 2 EKGs done that said I have an incomplete right bundle block which scared me senseless. Has anyone else had a similar experience?",Anxiety +33965,"How to know if your symptom is real or if your mind is playing tricks on you? Ever since I found out I have a blood clotting gene I feel like my calves hurt/cramp more than ever. I actually don’t think I ever noticed them cramping or hurting before this discovery. + + +This morning I woke up to one hurting, and now tonight the other one is hurting. It’s not intense, but because I’m so scared of it being a clot, I can’t let it go . + +I did just work a long shift where I was on my feet the whole time. But because of this mornings pain couple with this pain, I’m nervous. It comes and goes and feels like an ache of some sort. I’m just not sure if I should go to the doctor since I do have a blood clotting gene (factor V). I’ve never had a blood clot so I don’t know for sure what one feels like ",Anxiety +33966,"Distraction techniques? I suffer from extreme health anxiety, my main fears being that I will spontaneously drop dead from a heart attack or stroke. If I feel my heart acting up from palpitations, or if I feel like my face feels strange, it will send me off the deep end. It's so frustrating that I fixate on this every single day. + +I would love to hear how everyone distracts themselves when they are at the peak of their anxiety. Sometimes watching a light hearted show like Family Guy helps me. A lot of times if I'm talking to a friend on the phone, I won't even notice any of my symptoms (which I take as a sign it's all in my head!). I feel like my health anxiety is the worst at night when I'm laying in bed, and all I can do is hyper focus on my body sensations. So everyone: Let's hear how you deal with it in the moment!",Anxiety +33967,Every time I stand up after laying down I get real dizzy and my heart races Just happened and I thought I was going to puke. I’ve had health anxiety for years. Had my heart checked out several times like 5 years ago. Always came back OK. Now I’m freaking out I have low blood pressure from a heart issue. I also get flip flop feelings in my heart. Almost like a skipped beat and it makes me cough.,Anxiety +33968,"Should a low blood pressure and pulse rate be concerning at an odd time? I was at this enormous concert recently (over 10,000 people in one room, 5 big screens, lord knows how many speakers, etc). It was the first concert I've ever been to because I don't really like loud noise, but there were a couple speakers there I wanted to see (it was more of a conference with several hours of music). Previously unbeknownst to me, the music was incredibly loud and there were continuous lights flashing all different colors and directions. I'm a pretty introverted, quiet guy so this wasn't my idea of a good time, but that's not confusing. + +What confuses me is that my pulse dropped. It was a day long event, but I'm in good shape so I doubt that was an issue. I noticed because I started getting dizzy, got a headache, and was tired enough to sit and close my eyes amidst all the *hype*. To my chagrin and embarrassment several people asked me if I was okay (which I appreciated but felt deeply uncomfortable with). My resting heart rate is about 64, and I'd thought it'd be elevated with the very overwhelming (to me at least) stimulus for an extended period of time. Instead, I measured it, and it was right at 42. Wtf was going on? I didn't leave because I didn't want to ruin everyone's time, but seriously, is something wrong with me? No one else had this. It made me feel alienated and uncomfortable when I should have been having a great time. I've never had a panic attack or any prolonged health issues so idk what happened. Was this just an anxiety thing or is that an actual health issue. I'm not going to ask anyone because frankly it was embarrassing. To clarify I'm not ""asking [you] to diagnose"" anything, I just want to if anyone has felt something similar. Thanks in advance for any help. + +Edit: Grammar and spelling",Anxiety +33969,"Hit my head on my faucet yesterday, woke up with a weird headache this morning The headache subsided throughout the day so I didn't think much of it until I took a nap a few hours ago and woke up with the same feeling. Could this be internal bleeding? I don't feel sick or dizzy but now my anxiety is taking over and it's hard to distinguish.",Anxiety +33970,"Dull pain in left leg My lower left leg below the knee has had a dull, throbbing pain in it for the past few days and sometimes it feels like my leg is hollow. Is this normal?",Anxiety +33971,Advice Hey everybody you may have seen me post on here a lot recently and I do apologise for that I don't want to waste anyone's time. However since November when I'm stupidly ingested cannabis one night and ended up in hospital because my heart went to fast my anxiety has got so much worse. That night in hospital I was convinced I was gonna have a heart attack and die I was in so much pain and agony and in the ambulance the paramedics said my heart was going to fast but this was down to anxiety and nothing wrong with my heart. Same in the hospital they tried to treat my heart with medication but they couldn't slow it down they said this was because it was not an irregular heart it was normal just a bit fast once again due to anxiety so I was left over night and discharged the next day. December 4th I dislocated my knee for the 2nd time and while waiting to be seen in hospital my heart went to fast so they put me in a ward over night and did all the tests bloody tests for my heart and ecgs nothing once again and anxiety once again. Then after that is when my intrusive thoughts started and that went on for a few weeks I still get it on and off now however. But the last 2-3 days my heart has been going fast I'm losing my breath easily and I can feel my heart palpitating I've had countless doctors and tests look at me and nothing to do with my heart? I've even rang a hotline about this and they said anxiety does all this it seems to go in a cycle my thoughts then everything is okay for a while then my heart and thoughts again can anyone help?,Anxiety +33972,"Cold Extremities, anyone? Or is it just me and 0.0001% of the population? Okay I’m exagerating. [26/f] But seriously, I have cold legs, feet & hands everytime. Why oh why?!",Anxiety +33973,"Signed up for Physical Exam due to health anxiety, symptoms getting more noticeable as the day approaches Due to me receiving medical insurance through the government , the health care I have access to is very saturated, so I’ve been waiting for a Physical exam for 2 months now. + +I’m getting down to single digits on days and I feel terrible at nights. I’ll experience acid reflux, or muscular/skeletal pains , etc. Right now I have a pain under my right rib cage and I feel like it’s my pancreas or something . I’m going absolutely mad just thinking that this dull pain could be cancer or something I need to go to the ER for before it bursts and I die . + +I just can’t wait for 5 more days until I can get checked out and be able to sleep at night knowing either nothing is wrong with me or taking steps to manage it. And now I’m in a worse mood because I won’t get the results then , I’ll still need to wait a week or two on top of that . ",Anxiety +33974,"Weird Heart Symptoms I noticed that whenever I stretch or move around in my seat my heart rate jumps from around 70 to over 100 for about 5 seconds, then drops back down. I’ve also been having this weird feeling in my chest sometimes when i breathe, and lots of mucus in my nose that has blood in it, even if I didn’t have a bloody nose. I also have been hearing blood rushing and ringing in my right ear, especially when it’s quiet and i’m leaning or bending over. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I really am scared about my heart, even though i’m only 19 i’m scared it could be a blood clot in my neck or something. I also wheeze sometimes when I exhale and feel mucus in my chest when i laugh ",Anxiety +33975,"I've had an anxiety-free week and a half and then... I started catastrophising about having a brain tumor. + +All during the holidays I've had a constant fear of having a blood clot, and then that fear went away for a few days and I've felt great. And now I'm having daily headaches on the same spot and I'm so scared I have a brain tumor. I just got blood work done (just normal stuff) so I'm hoping that if I had something it would show up in that..... + +Anyone else have any advice in dealing with thinking i have a brain tumor and how to talk myself out of it ",Anxiety +33976,"Worried something is wrong with my heart I have been having occasional chest pains on and off for a week and a half now, and I've been struggling to sleep. Well, I was taking a bath after exercising and I didn't really do anything but turn to the side to reach for some bath gel and I felt something similar to a pop in my chest. It was right in the area that my heart would be. I thought it was odd, and when I stood (slowly) I felt a little light headed to get out of the bath. I had two short, quick pains in that same spot and now I haven't had any pain since that. There is no heaviness in my chest. My stomach is fine. But my heart has been feeling like it's been pounding not long after that. I've been feeling like I should just give in and head to the ER.. It's taking everything I have to not ask to go because I don't want to go and end up getting a big bill over nothing because I don't think my insurance will cover it. I'm inwardly freaking out now.",Anxiety +33977,"fear of appendicitis Hello, I just found this subreddit, so I'm new here. I felt a weird pressure to the left of my right hip bone yesterday, and this is a symptom of appendicitis. I asked my mom about it, and she told me to lift up my legs; when I lifted up my leg I felt no pain, so she said I was fine. It doesn't hurt, but it's just a weird pressure feeling. Yesterday it was a constant pressure feeling, but today it's more random. I didn't feel anything until a couple minutes ago. I know appendicitis is very painful, so I don't know if I actually have it, or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I had an anxiety attack over this yesterday, and I'm really scared of having it. also sorry this is kind of a messy post. + +This is really annoying Lol. I want to calm myself down, but idk how. Any help is appreciated on how to calm down and focus on anything else. ",Anxiety +33978,"Fear of brain aneurysm Hi, everything started in April/2016 when I read on the news that a boy of my age had an heart attack and died, that made me scared so I started thinking about my own health and got really nervous, one night before going to sleep I was feeling terrible, with a lot of headache and my heart was pumping really fast, but I managed to relax, the thing is after that day I started feeling a burning sensation in a specific spot on the right side of my head, from there on I started to panic a lot thinking I had an aneurysm and everything, with the upcoming months that burning sensation became a light headache, I went to the doctor and did a tomography and everything was fine, he gave me a medication to take and advised me to start exercising. I did it and after about two weeks now I feel less frequent headaches but when I feel it, it feels more intense, I don't know if it was because of the exercises but I'm scared thinking this supposed aneurysm is getting larger and it's going to rupture :( Thanks. + +Everytime I go to the doctor my blood pressure is high because of tenseness, I always think that these high blood pressure moments created an aneurysm :(",Anxiety +33979,"Aussie Flu So according to the news, Aussie flu is going round. Obviously my body decided to give me a cold, But my brain is convinced it's the Aussie flu thing, I know logically it's just a cold but my brain is constantly trying to convince me otherwise. My symptoms aren't nearly as bad as people describe. Just doing the classic seeking for reassurance, Thanks guys",Anxiety +33980,"Need advice real bad ( family related ) I am 26 y old and i am living with my mom since i was 13 y old or so. My parents got divorced , my dad was alco , my mom developed bi polar disorder right after the divorce. Iv been living in almost almost movie like circumstances , my mom wasnt aggressive toward me for first 5 years but in last year of her hospitalization and stuff it was really a nightmare. + +My mom is doing real good now for past 5-6 years , shes taking her meds regular she got back on her job so she is totally functional. But the thing is she is hypochondriac , and one of things she got used to is that i always confront her or even more i make appointments drive her to doctor and so on. She got used to that cause i was cooking , cleaning and doing regular home stuff in all those years before her recovery. + +But i cant handle it anymore , i am diagnosed with mild - severe anxiety with ocd and depression. I find it hard to find motivation for my own life , i do alot of things i try to keep myself in focus on goals i have , i am not happy how i am progressing but i am trying atleast. I just cant handle the doctors check ups anymore , according to her she had cancer atleast 2 times in past 6 months. + +I am very reasonable person i understand why is she scared she had uterus cancer 20 yrs ago and she had it removed it was one of reasons she got depression. I really understand that i would do anything to change it , but i cant . I was just having day full of work i had to study for my exam to finish this fucking law uni. She got into my room in 11 pm crying , she smokes quiet alot and she said her throat is hurting her as the day progress shes affraid that its cancer again. I know it sounds even funny when u read this but its so frustrating i deal one kind of disease per 15 days . I dont have strenght to help her anymore , could someone give me any kind of advice what the hell can i do in this situation to ease my fucking mind for one fucking day.",Anxiety +33981,"I always quietly freak out when I hear about kids getting sick. I know kids get sick and when my kid was sick, I could handle it fine. I can't handle other kid's getting sick (cold, stomach bug, etc) +I feel like a jerk.",Anxiety +33982,Always feeling like I'm going to die. Due to my anxiety and insomnia I always feel like crap. I find myself a smart woman and yet I feel like I'm really sick and will die from this. The weird and constant thought of having cancer through my body. Nothing proofs that this is true and I'm strong enough to not call my doctor every day. But I feel horribly tired and scared all the time. I don't understand why I can tell myself that I'm fine but my body somehow just doesn't believe it. I want my life back. ,Anxiety +33983,"My elbows keep popping out of place. More notable in my left elbow. Im a skinny dude and its not painful. if i bend it then a part of my elbow kindve pops out and its possible to pop it back in, but it will pop right out again. What is happening and how can i treat it?",Anxiety +33984,"Going to Battle HA? Hi All, + +First time posting here. So grateful to have found this community. I have struggled with HA for the last 10 years, with each year worse than the one before. + +For the last 6 months, my HA has been with leukemia. Usually my anxiety with any illness is from a few days to a few weeks, but never on the order of months. Enough is enough! I no longer want to live in fear of any random bruise (I am thin and bruise like a peach), or to have my husband constantly reassure me that I don’t have cancer and engage in my safety behaviors. + +A relative of mine is actually a clinical psychologist who deals with anxiety disorders. She referred me to a well-respected clinic that is able to work with my insurance and they want to schedule me for the intake. + +The problem? I’m scared to actually take the next step and start therapy. I’ve avoided dealing with my triggers and upbringing that promoted me becoming this way. The clinic specializes in exposure therapy for anxiety disorders and I am so scared thinking about putting myself in even controlled situations that will manufacture my anxiety. + +Has anyone successfully done therapy and conquered the HA monster? I just need to pick-up the phone and make the call. Would love to make progress on this in 2018. Help?",Anxiety +33985,"Laying here babysitting I feel like my body is kinda melting into the couch, it’s freaking me out. I’m really not that tired. I also feel like my hearts gonna fail. Okay that’s it!",Anxiety +33986,"Headache, facial tension and semi paralysis, anti social, loud music Not sure if the correct flair but I need help. Lately I've been feeling terrible. I get this weird headache and weird dizziness feeling like I'm surpresses, my face tenses and hurts and some facial expressions feel paralysed sometimes. Because of it I am acting very anti social and can't function in any way. I Don't know what to do but it's a living hell. I feel like I have sunk to a lower dimension of hell and can't get out. My brain is so tense and head and face, I can't look people in the eye, I can't laugh communicate. I feel so down and terrible it's awful. I have a theory it has something to do with ear damage as I produce music and been listening to extremely loud music for very long periods, for a long time now. When I started working, the loudest I can listen was half strong as what it is now, which I gradually increased over time. I fear I have really damaged something in the ear which is causing all this nausea, awful headache, tension and disability to live. Please help me I can't do nothing, even sleep feels terrible!!! I rarely feel normal.. Please help! ",Anxiety +33987,"Coping Strategies Hello: +What are some of your coping strategies for dealing with health anxiety. what do you tell yourself to quell those fears occupying your mind? I had a relapse recently/went to the hospital for cardiac distress induced by a panic attack - and I forgot how I dealt with mine so effectively before. All is appreciated! <3",Anxiety +33988,Melanoma fear ruining my life Hi guys! So I’m a super moley person and it leads me to believe there is absolutely no way that I don’t have melanoma. I’m part Irish and used to lay in the sun when I was a teen a lot. I’ve been checked in the past year and a half and my dermatologist always acts like I’m crazy for coming in. She said it’s normal to keep getting new moles and even told me this really ugly one in my belly button is fine. I’m currently living in France and I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday but I keep convincing myself I have it and I’m going to die. I can’t sleep or focus on anything and I’m constantly taking pictures of the my body to exam the moles and always convince myself they’re all cancer. I try to get my family members to convince me I’m fine but I never feel better. Any advice or anyone struggling with the same? ,Anxiety +33989,"question regarding fingers slightly moving. Is it normal? + +Not sure if I can classify it as 'tremors' + +Basically, from what I've seen with different kinds of videos regarding tremors, it doesn't look like it. + +Let's say I put my hands in the air facing my palm, or just in the bed resting, it doesn't shake or what. + +But sometimes, if I look at them long enough, I notice it they slightly move. + +Not sure if I'm doing it voluntarily, I'm being anxious, thus, making it move, or maybe because I'm not used to holding that kind of position, it kinda moves because of it? + +If anything, I type a lot in a computer. Upon searching, I've seen that they might just been twitching due to fatigue, so maybe that's what it is? + +As much as possible, I don't want to go to a doctor just because of this. + +Thanks",Anxiety +33990,"I finally saw the cardiologist today I had multiple ECGs, bloodwork done, I wore a two-week loop and I had an echocardiogram over a month ago, and today I did a stress test. I've been having HORRIBLE anxiety about my heart for over a month and a half. + +**My heart is completely healthy. No blockages and no damage to it whatsoever.** + +This is one of my happier days!!! + +They told me the chest pain -- which I can reproduce by touching it -- is likely caused by either anxiety or costochondritis and the heavy tightness is likely anemia (which I can deal with much better than heart disease). The left arm pain is probably from inflammation because I lay on it so awkwardly and for too long at night. + +I'm OK :') + +Anxiety is a bitch, guys. It can make you truly believe and FEEL the most frustrating and uncomfortable symptoms. I'm not saying to dismiss everything as anxiety -- it will always be better to see a doctor -- but what I am saying is none of you are alone. + +Thanks to everyone here who supported me through this. I can move on and focus on fixing my inflammation and anemia!! 💖",Anxiety +33991,"Drawing light pain in right testicle Hi, + +I sometimes get a (light) drawing pain in the right testicle. It doesn't hurt a lot but it makes me really nervous sometimes. +It would help me to understand where this may come from. + +The right one also sometimes slides into my groin during intercourse or ejaculation. It comes back out rather easily, but is really uncomfortable. Is this normal? Can it be related to the light pain?",Anxiety +33992,"Is it helpful to reassure those suffering from HA? I’m seeing so many threads on here discussing symptoms and asking whether the symptoms are possibly cancer, heart disease, *insert other terrifying illness.* I suppose I’m wondering if it is actually helpful to answer these threads and reassure these people? It just feels like the poster might get some reassurance, feel better for awhile and then just turn their attention to another illness, never actually dealing with their anxiety. I think reassuring these posters and even encouraging them to see the doctor is not helping address what really is the root problem here.",Anxiety +33993,"Are larger jumps in white blood cell counts something to worry about? Quick background info, I (23,m) have been battling a staph infection for a couple years as it’s turning out. However in one month, from December to January, my count when from 6.4 to 10.7. Is this something I should be worrying about?",Anxiety +33994,"Health Anxiety after panic attack Almost a year ago, I had a panic attack that I thought was a heart attack. I've never had either, and at the time I didn't know that panic attack symptoms can mimic heart attacks. I had a friend take me to the ER, and I was freaking out in the ER while waiting to be seen. I remember thinking ""man, this is it, this is how I'm going to die and I'm away from family, wife and kids and everyone I love and I'm stuck in a place I hate"" and it scared me so badly. Anyway, since then I've almost had myself convinced that I was going to die and it was going to be from a heart attack. I've been prescribed Buspirone and it keeps me from having panic attacks, and I've come a long way from the panic attacks every day to almost having none. There's been a few times in the past few months where if I wasn't taking medication, I could've had a pretty bad attack. One of them was last week, where my mind just kind of ran away while I was driving home from work and for some reason my mind was looping ""you're gonna die, and probably run into oncoming traffic, look now you're barely breathing"" and I had to calm myself down. It sometimes takes me a really long to get calm, and sometimes I can calm myself almost immediately. The thing about this though that I really hate is that the anxiety is always there, always either in the back of my mind or I'm actively thinking about it. I've set an appointment with a psychologist for a few weeks from now, and I really want to get off the meds. They have some side effects that I really don't like, and they are considered mild. Are there any of you who suffer from the same kind of health anxiety that I do? I don't know anyone personally who does, at least not in the way it is with me. Some co-workers had anxiety issues in the recent past, but it looks like I'm the only one who suffers 24/7 and it looks like it's a permanent thing in my life. ",Anxiety +33995,"Blood clot fear Pushing on my thigh when I stand straight up all the way at the top about 2 inches from my hip bone causes some discomfort. I don't really know how to describe the pain other than almost tingly and a little sore. Been paying attention to it for about 6 months but may have been there longer. + +It's on my left leg if that matters but really making me worry I may have a blood clot. That leads me to worry it might break off at any moment and pretty much end me. Is there any other reason the constant discomfort would be here or do I likely have a clot?",Anxiety +33996,"Body hurts.. Does anyone get all-over body pain when experience an anxiety attack? My back is the worst but I also get the usual tight chest. But also a burning sensation just on the side of my chest where my heart is (above my breast), tingling/heavy legs, and fingers go numb. This shit is for the birds!",Anxiety +33997,"Dog died on New Years, scared of rabies Okay so I posted this on the anxiety subreddit and that should of been enough but my anxiety still is being awful so uh-- posting this here too since health anxiety is a big one for be in general anyway...? Sorry ;;; + +Basically, I had an old dog, like 14 years old. He started sleeping a lot more around Christmas, and all, and when I cold front blew in that week, he started having a harder time walking around (he'd been wobbly already), and then Thursday he collapsed on his front legs and couldn't eat back up. His front legs couldn't move, but back legs were fine, and he ate and drank what we gave him fine. + +During that Thursday I absent minded lot scratched the inside of my nose after doing something and he licked, which is what started the paranoia. + +My poor dog couldn't move, but his back legs still could--- and his jaw never got paralyzed and he never got the excess salivating deal. + +We have him pain meds at a vets advice, which seemed to of gotten his front legs working again, still back legs working too, he just couldn't get up yet. But he was moving more, his head too. He even ate that day. Unfortunately, he started bloating, fell into a coma, and died that day, which was New Years. + +I've brought my paranoia up with the vet, and he did say with everything I told him and showed him that rabies shouldn't even be a concern. Another commenter seemed to agree too. + +And--- yeah, I know better--- he wasn't even paralyzed in that way, it was the pain in his bones--- the pain meds helped him, in those final moments. And he never had a hanging mouth, he could move it and eat fine, and didn't foam or excessively salivate or anything. But even still, I've been absolutely paranoid every since despite knowing better. Despite knowing that wouldn't of been rabies, since if it was his limbs wouldn't of gotten better--- but my mind keeps telling me what if it is, what if it is--- what if it's too late and you'll have it and your mom will have it and you'll die-- + +Ugh. I know I'm going to get a full doctor checkup tomorrow, and take steps to get help with my anxiety, but as it is right now it still feels so awful and constraining. I can't even focus on my usually drawing or other creative ideas because this anxiety has gotten in the way so much. I can't even properly grieve my dogs death because of this. I'm /scared/ despite being told that it shouldn't even be a consideration. I hate it.",Anxiety +33998,Night sweats Sometimes when I go to bed I wake up with cold sweat on me. Usually only in my cleavage and the back of my neck. I sleep with the room pretty cold and only in my underwear and bra. I always wake up freezing and is it possible to sweat cold cause I fold up in a ball to keep warm. I just don’t like wearing clothes to bed. Isn’t sweating during the night a sign of cancer also why would I be sweating if I’m cold? Sorry major anxiety disorder and agoraphobia sufferer here. Stupid questions I know. ,Anxiety +33999,"Is it worth giving up drinking Coke/Pepsi? I’m 17 and I have been drinking coke daily for as long as I can remember... I want to feel healthier, less stressed, more energetic, less anxious and was wondering whether giving up coke would materialise this. + +Thanks ",Anxiety +34000,"Toxic shock syndrome fear Okay this is kind of uh detailed, beware. Im afraid of getting TSS because i read this horrifying ass thing about people getting it even without leaving in tampons too long or anything. And all this stuff about how horrible tampons are for you. And people were commenting under it about how someone they know even got it from pads and every other period product and it basically just strikes randomly. And people having to get their legs amputated of they didnt die already. And like if you have any ""open wounds"" or anything you can get it from that too. And basically just making it seem like youre gonna get it just by existing and having periods. Like what if i have some kind of injury from shaving or something i dont even know about?? Am i gonna get this illness just from having a period? Im an athlete and all too, its really hard to use just pads (apparently you can get it still anyways). I dont want to not shave or anything anytime around my period. I got it today and I dont know what to do i feel like im randomly just gonna get this disease. ",Anxiety +34001,"A positive mind and the danger of paper cuts [comedy] http://www.sssscomic.com/comicpages/831.jpg + +Last panel just cracked me up. + +Full comic if you enjoy post apocalyptic zombies and norse magic: http://www.sssscomic.com/index.php",Anxiety +34002,"Worried about smoking damage So I’m 18, I’ve been smoking from when I was 13 (one a day) going up to 3/4 a day for a while when I was 14 and earlier this year. + +I have now developed serious health and death anxiety. This has obviously focused on this stupid decision I made to hurt my health. I am so full of regret now. What are my chances that this will make me die early?",Anxiety +34003,"Uneven pupils on Friday I was looking in the mirror and noticed that my left pupil is much larger than my right. The vision in that eye is also blurry. +I visited an optometrist today who dilated my eyes and confirmed that the left is more dilated than my right, but he didn't know why. He assumed that its something I've always had but only noticed now, but that's impossible because for the past year I have been obsessively checking my pupils in the mirror to make sure i haven't had a stroke (hello health anxiety). +a few days before the uneven pupils, I woke up with a painful pulled muscle on the left side of my neck, could that be related? I also have occasional tinnitus in the left ear, usually pulsatile (rushing noise). + I'm afraid its either a carotid dissection/stroke, or some sort of tumor. Maybe I had a seizure in my sleep that cause the pulled neck muscle and the eye issue? +Anyway I just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has had weird eye issues or fears. Its tough to have all these thoughts in my head without anyone listening or taking them seriously. ",Anxiety +34004,"Struggle Bus ... I'm riding it today, maybe even driving it. No need to get into details, I'm just anxious for my health and a family member's health (I hate that I project my HA to other people, as if I didn't do enough worrying as is). + +I went to the gym despite getting shitty sleep last night and feeling AWFUL all day because I knew it was better than coming home from work and ruminating. And I'm about to listen to an anxiety podcast and a guided meditation for sleep. So there are a couple wins despite the day being a dud. + +But I just wanted to write it out that today sucked and my worrying sucks and I hate it. I know I'm not alone when I come here, and for that I am grateful. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for me and anyone else riding the bus. ",Anxiety +34005,"I feel really silly posting this but... I think I’ll feel better if I get this off my chest. I definitely have some health anxiety, although it’s not as bad as it could be. I recognize that many of the symptoms I feel from time to time are a result of internalizing stress and are made worse by worrying about them, and I think I’ve gotten a better handle on it as the years have gone by. + +But I don’t think anxiety can cause lumps or make them grow, and I’m trying to stay away from Google and redirect my focus but I’m still feeling that worry and wanting to check on the lump every five minutes. I think I’ve done a fairly good job keeping myself in check and only examining the lump once a day. But I’m going to write this out and see if it helps. Maybe someone else has had a similar story and everything turned out fine? I want to hear it if so. + +Close to a year ago now, I noticed this lump under my arm. I thought it was an ingrown hair. Mentioned it at a checkup, the doctor felt it and thought it was a lymph node. She offered to do an ultrasound but I was getting ready to move out of state and didn’t have time. The lump grew and became really painful and red. For reasons, I didn’t see a doctor until about eight months later, when they diagnosed the lump as an abscess next to a (swollen) lymph node. Abscess was drained, tested positive for Staph, I got a gross course of antibiotics and that was that. The lymph node shrank a little after that and I could still feel a lump where the abscess was. Primary care doctor said it was a cyst that had formed form the abscess being left alone for so long, and sent me to a surgeon to have it removed. The surgeon was not very nice, told me he couldn’t feel anything and sent me home. Eventually the cyst shrank and I couldn’t feel it anymore. + +Fast forward to two months later and now...the original lymph node has shrunk but it’s still around. And now above it there’s a new...mass. It’s next to where the abscess was before but off to the outside top corner of my armpit (sorry for the bad explanation). It’s a hard lump and fixed in place, which freaks me out a bit because google says that’s a sign of cancer. Buuuuuut maybe it’s just my muscle I’m feeling. The other armpit has a bit of that “bump” thing going on at the top, but it’s way less pronounced and feels less like a defined lump, if that makes sense. And it feels like it’s growing. Thanks to the abscess I have a scar and it feels like the lump is noticeably getting closer to the scar. + +I feel like such a drama queen. I’m so embarrassed bringing stuff like this up at the doctor because I’m so used to being dismissed and them thinking I’m a huge baby. I just feel ashamed of being like this. Being stuck between worry or embarrassment isn’t much of a choice. But this nagging voice in my head keeps saying anxiety can’t cause a lump like it could cause a headache or nausea or heartburn or whatever. I just can’t cope with the humiliation if it turns out being nothing and they think I’m an idiot. I have an appointment with my doctor (for something unrelated and not to do with something being wrong with me) and I’m debating on if I should bring it up. My doctor now seems really good and non-judgy, these feelings are internalized. If someone else has had a mysterious bump that vanished one day and ended up being nothing please let me know. Thanks ",Anxiety +34006,"Pain in the neck. Scary Long time lurker, first time poster. + +I've been having aching feelings in my neck in what seems to be my lymph nodes for a few weeks. The aching seems to pop up in different spots(left, right, under the jaw, mid neck, collarbone area) at random times. Today I was feeling around my neck and noticed my right lymph node was very swollen and the left side I couldn't even feel. + +I'm getting over a cold, and I know the obvious answer is that these aches and pains correlate with me getting over this sickness. Google is still managing to scare me to no end. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, was just looking for some peace of mind to get me through the night. ",Anxiety +34007,"Im 19 y/o and my hair is thinning and more worrying symptoms I first noticed my hair thinning two months ago. I've always had thick hair that would grow pretty quickly. Now my hair's gotten thin and quite dry. The thinning is more extreme on the sides of my head with visible patches; at the top there arent any such patches (but still thinning and dryness). I impulse-bought biotin tablets to help with the thinning, but im hesistant to take them at the moment since nothing's been diagosed yet. + + +But it's not just the hair. I have also been getting, although not frequent, a tingling sensation in my right fingers, and sometimes on a whole hand at times. + +More recently, say the last week or so, my vision's gotten blurry. I don't know if the blurred vision is permanent and i've just gotten use to it, or not, but ive definitely had these phases. + +Ive looked up my 'symptoms' and what's come up are thyroid conditions, B12 deficiencies and a whole load more. With B12 deficiency in particular, its symptoms seem to align with mine pretty closely. Other than my symptoms ive mentioned already, B12 deficiency symptoms include 'tiredness' and 'memory loss'- i feel like i have these, or atleast they're more pronounced recently (ive always been fairly forgetful). + +Im genuinely worried if i have some serious conditon. Ive booked an appointment with my doctor and hopefully i can get however many of these symptoms i actually have sorted. Sorry for this being so long winded. Stay healthy friends. + +",Anxiety +34008,Heart fears So starting this week I’ve had these odd chest and back sensations not really that painful but weird. I went to my PCP and she listened to my heart and said it was normal and I had an EKG about 3 years ago that came back normal. However today when I yawn or take a deep breath I feel a sharp pain at the base of my neck. On top of that I haven’t been able to sleep out of fear I won’t wake up. Sorry for the rant I just need someone to talk to.,Anxiety +34009,"WARNING: graphic. Stomach Flu, Food Poisoning, or neither? Hello, + +last night after going out with my boyfriend to get Mongolian Grill, I got back to his house and my head began hurting like a migraine. What was even worse is a few minutes later, my stomach started feeling weird. I brushed it off and was able to ignore it, however, normally if it is nothing or I am having motion sickness, it dies down after a while. It did not. I began feeling REALLY nauseous, and just plain weird. I was also having a lot of small burps and...gas down there. So then I thought, must be gas as this has happened before. 3 hours go by, and I literally cannot move or I feel like I am going to throw up. We go to his mom’s house, and I try to lay down and sleep. And then I got that feeling maybe 30 minutes later, went to the bathroom, and puked up all of my food. I have never puked so much in my life. It hurt really bad, and to make it worse every 30mins-1hr after that I threw up 8 more times, as you can imagine I got ZERO sleep. It has now been about 5 hours since I threw up, and I feel absolutely fine. My stomach does feel a little raw, as expected. But I am able to sip gatorade and suck on ice chips right now with zero desire to eat. +This is where things get nastier: about 20 minutes ago I was laying here kind of sitting up, and I felt gas down there so I obviously decided to let it out. Worst mistake because, I SUDDENLY FELT IT WAS WET DOWN THERE. And boy, was it. +I ran full speed to the restroom, and it turns out to be what appeared as a mixture of super watery diarrhea, and vomit. Absolutely disgusting, I showered and here I am now. hours ago before the last few times I puked I did have to poop, it was weird it came out of nowhere and I went and it was big and soft. And then this! +What makes my boyfriend’s mom suspect it is the stomach flu is because my boyfriend’s sister’s boyfriend threw up the other night too, however, she didn’t get sick, I was nowhere near him, and he had a concussion. I don’t have a fever either (atleast I don’t think I do)? +I feel like food poisoning is the culprit because I have had it before and this same thing happened, besides the bathroom situation from what I remember. Just constant throwing up over and over again. I did eat a lot of lettuce and spinach, so I hope it isn’t e-coli. + +Any advice would be appreciated. ",Anxiety +34010,"Meningitis Hi Reddit, +For a week now I've had a stiff neck, this has been accompanied by cold hands and feet and random pains in my limbs, I also got off an antibiotic a week ago for a tooth infection. Headache has not been present, maybe just a mild one occasionally, have mostly just been a little drowsier than normal. Could this be meningitis? Getting pretty anxious. +",Anxiety +34011,"the HA just won't quit... So, long time lurker and first time poster. Just have to say how helpful this subreddit is for calming me down during a heath anxiety meltdown! + +Background: My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about 7 years ago, went into remission, was re-diagnosed with stage four bc a year and a half ago, and passed away about six months ago (it had spread to her brain). I'm 23 female and she did not carry any of the BRCA genes. + +Around 5 years ago, I felt a small bump in my armpit while doing a self-exam and went into a full blown panic. After about a month of constantly poking and prodding and googling symptoms, I forgot about it and the next time I checked it had disappeared. I noticed it again a year later and had a physical around that time and asked my doctor. She said that it was fine and nothing to worry about (can't remember if she said lymph node or cyst...I was just so excited I was not dying) + +Fast forward to six months ago when my mother passed away and I became hyper-aware of anything breast-related. The small lump is currently present. It's come and gone a number of times since I first noticed it years ago, it's always in the exact same spot, lasts for various amounts of time, it's 'biggest' size has never changed, and when it's 'gone' I can kind of feel a little remnant. It's under the skin, not hard (but not exactly soft either), can move around but tends to move with the skin it's directly under. Sometimes when I get poking at it for days on end it hurts a little bit and the skin gets irritated. My aunt has suffered from cysts most of her life and has gotten a lot in her armpits and my step-mother, who is a nurse, has told me that I'm fine. + +Basically, I know it's not cancer (most of the signs point to the fact it's not) but Google, of course, tells me that I'm dying of a million different cancers (mostly lymphoma or metastatic breast cancer). I have an annual exam in around a month and I'm going to ask about it for the peace of mind, but I just can't stop worrying about it. Any tips? It's just so frustrating to know I'm being completely ridiculous but it's like I have no control over it.",Anxiety +34012,"Finally letting go of my HIV anxiety Today I took an hiv test a year from exposure. After a year of stress, anxiety, worries, etc, I am finally letting go. My result was negative. After a year of testing, I can truly say I am negative. I just want to thank everyone for your help and reassuaring words. Jbee, a special thank you to you as well. During this year, I lost who I was. I am usually a vivacious person, but turned into an anxious scrooge. Some of my interests and hobbies seemed no longer interesting. Now I am going to live full out! 2018, I'm ready for you!!! ",Anxiety +34013,"Convinced myself I have Celiac disease? I've been lactose intolerant since I was 20, and got diagosed with GERD as a child. However I just recently did a dumb thing and looked up symptoms of celiac disease and am rationalizing going to the doctor and getting tested. + +No one else in my family, even extended, has had lactose or acid problems. Eating gluten with celiacs long term can cause those problems. I've always been underweight (5'11, 130 lbs). Im also always tired, though I think my iron levels are fine and I cleared a thyroid test a few years ago. When I have more than 3 drinks in a night, I have severe vomiting the next day to the point I've gone to the ER because it had been every hour, for 8ish hours. + +For someone this anxious about it, you'd think I'd track these things better. But now I'm locked into a very shitty vegetarian diet at work chock-full of products with gluten for the next 5 months. Would I be justified in going to the doctor just to lay all this out there and see if its related, maybe to celiac? Or am I just being paranoid?",Anxiety +34014,"Afraid i've been exposed to hantavirus, really panicking So I'm on Vacation in a friends cabin a couple miles north of Lake Tahoe CA. It was freezing last night so I went to the closet to grab an old comforter to add to my bed. What I had forgotten is that there is a mouse problem in this house. +I woke up this morning and found a couple mouse droppings in my bed. I googled if that could be dangerous, and panic ensued. + +I've googled the cases hantavirus reported in California, and many of them focus around the area I'm in. There was also a case near Reno (really close to here) just last fall. There's mouse droppings littered in the carpet of this house, one here one there, and now I've slept with a blanket that had them in it. We're only here for 2 nights total, so we didn't clean the place. I'm so scared for myself and my family. I hate being anxious like this because it feels like I KNOW i have it, like I'm already in the hospital dying. What do you think the likelihood I've been exposed is?",Anxiety +34015,Cold feeling inside lower abdominal I have this could feeling inside my stomach towards the buttom or middle right of it. is this anxiety related? anyone else experience this?,Anxiety +34016,"Do I have Anxiety or Schizophrenia? 18 - Male - 5'8 - Caucasian - no previous diagnosed medical conditions or medications - but I think I have Social Anxiety and mild GAD. No relatives that I know of with schizophrenia (however my dad is adopted so I can't know for sure) + +I KNOW only a psychiatrist/gp can diagnose me properly. I am asking here to see if it's worth to do so. + +For maybe half a year now I've had constant anxiety of having schizophrenia. It started with me being in school, walking through the corridor and hearing my name being called, even though I know I probably just misheard someone else talking. I went home and googled schiz symptoms, and since then have been constantly worrying about it.. + +Other symptoms - + +Music playing in my head. Can be hard to make it stop. Sometimes when I’ve smoked weed it feels literally impossible to make it stop. + +Constantly repeating conversations in my head, or preparing for future ones. Also, it feels like most of my thoughts are thought of as if im in a conversation, if you understand what I mean by that. + +Auditory hallucinations (?) - Heard my name being called a couple of separate times when walking around town & in school. However, one time at a night club it happened like 5-8 times in one night, (was quite drunk & anxious the day/evening before). It's NOT in a distinct voice, its just someone else next to me who's talking about something completely different, and my brain just misfires and I hear my name instead.. Also, Idk if it counts as hypnagogic hallucinations but when I meditate I, a random word or sentance can pop up in my head, but it can be in a different voice than my own inner monologue - often someone i know. However it really doesn NOT feel like a voice talking to me, more like intrusive thoughts that are in the voice of someone else (but i’m the one thinking?, its not loud or anything) + +Quite often, several times a day, when seeing some random person on the street I recognize someone I know for a split second - then I realize it wasn't them. Saw some interview with a dude with schiz who said this was one of his first symptoms but with cars + +Poor control of my inner monologue. I tend to overanalyze every single thought that I have. Because of this I have somehow caught the habit of thinking- Would someone with schizophrenia do this, or does this mean I have schizophrenia? + +Seeing things out of the corner of my eye. + +Slight sensation that people in school might be talking shit about me (however like 2 seconds after that happens I realize how ridiculous it is) + +I have smoked quite a lot of weed the last 2.5 years but lately have not been smoking much at all. It tends to make my anxiety worse and hyperactive - the last time I smoked when i was walking home i was paranoid about anyone looking at me through windows and when I walked past 2 guys I was convinced they were talking about me. + +No delusions, paranoia (when sober), depersonalization, social life is good etc. I feel ''sane'' but can not stop having thoughts of schizophrenia. + +What do you guys think? I posted a similar post in r/askdocs and r/schizophrenia and most of them said I'm fine, but I'm still extremely scared.",Anxiety +34017,"Whats the craziest and/or funniest thing you've done because of your health anxiety? Maybe some you can look back and laugh at now, maybe some you still feel ashamed of and would like some kind words, or maybe some you think are crazy and would like some reassurance that you're okay :) + +Mine is from today: I cut open an avocado, and where the stem was it was all brown, but everything else looked fine. Tried to convince myself it was fine, made the whole avocado toast and when it came time to eat it...I was too scared of being poisoned/getting sick or something (I mean, can that even happen??) that I scrapped off all the avocado and now I'm sitting here with my plate full of damn avocado that I know was most likely perfectly fine to eat lol + +Thought we could all use a laugh or something :)",Anxiety +34018,"Bruise anxiety I have a bruise appear on my outer thigh. About an inch wide. + +3 days ago when I noticed it, it was actual 2 bruises, a smaller and larger bruise. + +The next day, the smaller bruise was nearly gone. The larger looked like it was fading. + +Last night, the large bruise was a red circle, which was not what it looked like the night before, which got my anxiety up. + +Today it's spread a bit and now a dark red, turning purple ish and I noticed I have a lot of spider viens in that area. + +I'm so scared it's a blood clot or something worse. Should I wait and monitor it or go to doctor? I've been working with my therapist, that one symptom doesn't make it true, but I'm really freaking out. Is this normal for a Bruise? I've never paid a bruise attention before, so I don't know what's typical. ",Anxiety +34019,"HA for two weeks - just discovered what its like Hi all; + +So the last two weeks have been a ride for me. I've always had a buildup of wax in my left ear (runs in the family). A few weeks ago I noticed a ringing noise in my left ear. I went to the doctor and they said it was an ear infection. So I started taking antibios ... didnt go away. So today I went to an ENT, who suctioned out my ears and gave me stronger antibiotics and reaffirmed me that this is most definitely a temporary phenomenon and will go away in time (1 week, 1 hour, 1 month ... he said ears take awhile to heal). I had this confirmed by many of my friends that experienced ear infections as well. The ringing will go away, just in time. + +The problem is... throughout the past several days, I spent the majority of my time convincing myself that I had some sort of major illness. The first concern was cancer, then that turned into a meningiti, then that turned into inner ear concerns, then that turned into HIV concerns ... + +I don't know how I arrived at any of these conclusions. I had no symptoms of any of these illnesses, yet I immediately assumed that I had them. No way do I have meningitis, I would know by now ... no way do I have cancer, it doesnt really run in my family nor do I display any other symptoms. No way do I have aids ... I have not exposed myself in any way that would put me into a situation where it was possible. + +My friends and peers are all convinced I have anxiety issues and need to see a counselor. I went to one last week and she pretty much confirmed that I have anxiety issues that are beginning to manifest themselves in a moderate form of hypochondria. I literally started checking myself every day for things .... lumps, rashes, bruises .... + +I write because I'm curious to know other people's stories. How do you cope with this? This constant anxiety-driven fear of having a major disease. I've spent so much time over my break from school researching illnesses, conditions, symptoms ... trying to connect the dots from anything I could have possibly been exposed to in the past. The slightest itch would terrify me. An ingrown hair on my belt-line convinced me I had an STD. + +In effect, I didn't actually live the past week. My worrying sapped away from my actual living. + +Sorry for the long drawn out rant. ",Anxiety +34020,"Having a horrible HA week. This week my HA has just went flying back off the rails. It started with the usual heart palpitations, thinking im on the verge of cardiac arrest. Then i had a day of thinking i was gonna die of sepsis, for literally no reason at all. Like i didnt even have an injury. I keep washing my hands too much. Cleaning the absolute shit out of my house. And as of yesterday my head has settled back on the good ole fear of getting Rhabdomyolysis from powerlifting. Because i think i overdid training yesterday. I had a back injury that kept me from doing specifically squats for like almost a year. So i have been afraid to do them. Deadlift and bench are fine and i go heavy. But i have really only been doing squats on the high volume speed work day. I was doing pause squats with only 1 plate (per side) on the bar. Its way too light and i have been afraid to go heavier. So yesterday i decided to do box squats 10 sets of 2 with 30 sec rest. With 1 plate and one chain (per side). For resistance. It felt easy and i completed it and went on to do the rest of the exercises per usual. But then it sudden hit me that i did more weight with high volume than im used to on that particular exercise. I do more than double that weight on deadlift, but still, thats not the same. And ill probably get rhabdo. Later on in the evening i felt nauseous and i think i have some pain in my quads. No other symptoms. But i read you could have it and have NO SYMPTOMS WTF. Idk if the nausea and migraine i got was from the major anxiety from the rest of the week leading up to this or from rhabdo. Im really trying to not do the whole panic and go to the ER thing that i always do when i get like this. Im ruining my sleep schedule that i worked really hard to fix (i have insomnia from ptsd), and i didnt want to sleep until i knew i didnt have it. Im still panicking over it today. And as soon as i get anxiety the nausea comes back and i think about the minor soreness in my quads and how its going to kill me or make me very sick for a long time and ruin everything. Its fucking awful. ",Anxiety +34021,"Fucking amoeba again I'm in Egypt and, while taking a shower, I managed to inhale a small droplet of water up my nose. I didn't feel it, but I'm sure it went up there because I sniffed very hard and the ends of my hair, beaded with water droplets, were dangling right in front of my nostrils. I looked it up (why did I do that) and apparently the tap water here is full of that fucking amoeba that eats your brains. Now I've got the 15 day incubation period to endure, knowing that every twinge in my head could signal my doom. Fuck my life. + +Worst of it is, one of the first symptoms of the amoeba is ""alterations to taste or smell""... I have a cold... which also causes that. And can cause headaches too. And sometimes even fever. Fuuuuuuck.",Anxiety +34022,"“Hollow” feeling in chest For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had this pain/discomfort in my chest. Sometimes it’s a dull pain in the center, sometimes sharp. I also get this weird weak feeling in my chest. It feels sort of hollow. I’ll get a flutter once in a while. Weird. +I’ve had all the tests a few months ago. EKG, blood test, chest X-ray, echo. All normal. +Any ideas? I am known for being anxious about my heart and overall health. I just really want this to stop +Thanks +",Anxiety +34023,"Wierd cracking in true ribs From the last one year or so, I feel some pressure in my rib cage similar to when you need to crack a joint. When I stretch my chest it pops like when cracking fingers but not so audible. +Should I be concerned or just keep doing it.",Anxiety +34024,"Crippling fear Hey guys, I’m posting this because I want to see if I’m the only one. My grandma passed on her hypochondria to me, and ever since I suffered a spinal injury my sophomore year of highschool I’ve been terrified of doctors visits and every little pain, ache, tingle, and spasm I get in my body. I went to a sports specialist for my back and he diagnosed me with a C5 fracture, and scoliosis. I can live with that. But after I became aware that my body is injured and no longer the same, I’ve been obsessed with the idea that I have cancer, a brain tumor, or MS. Usually it’s cancer that takes over my thoughts. + +My thing is, I avoid the doctors office in every way possible. I HATE the idea of going to the doctor, being diagnosed, because to me my life is over at that point. I can usually talk myself through my panic episodes, but I usually seek the reassurance of others. I have a mole on my back and I’m convinced it’s changing, so every other week I ask my girlfriend if it’s changed and she says of course not. I can’t remember what it looked like as a kid, but I could’ve sworn it didn’t look like it does now. My anxiety is so bad I went to the doctor when I had a flu that wouldn’t go away, got chest x-rays to rule out pneumonia, and before my doctor told me the results I told him, “look, if I have cancer I don’t want to know, just don’t tell me” and he looked at me like I was crazy because the X-ray came back perfectly fine, just a common flu. + +I’ve avoided the doctors office for so long now that I feel like there HAS to be something wrong. Terminal. I know I should go, but even thinking about the idea makes me shutter with fear. A lot of the posts I read on here are about people that go to the doctor too much, but I wanted to see if there were people out there that are like me.",Anxiety +34025,Health anxiety and ocd Where is the line drawn between health anxiety and ocd focused on health? The boundary seems kind of arbitrary to me. Could someone explain it to me?,Anxiety +34026,"IBS/psoriasis My story and never would have thought what was causing it!! I want to share my story because I believe there’s a lot people out there in my situation. + +When I was younger in high school, I would get diarrhea going to class, mostly happened in the morning. This was around the year 1999. I had psoriasis on my head for most of my life. It would get bad from time to time, but never went away. The doctor would prescribe an ointment that stunk like gasoline. I would put this on head and it felt like it was burning the skin off my skull. So I never really used it, just suffered as is. + +Now back to the diarrhea issue. I went to the doctors and they did everything you could imagine. Blood tests, stool tests, upper and lower GI’s, and the good old colonoscopy! In the end the doctor said that I was a healthy young man. So he diagnosed me with IBS. + +Once I graduated from high school it seem to simmer down to where I never really had any more symptoms. So I figured that is was over. + +Years passed by and once in a blue moon the IBS would come back. But the psoriasis never went away. I moved forward in my career, and in my personal life. I thought that the nightmare I had when I was younger would never comeback. Boy I was wrong! One day at work after having something for lunch my captain and I had just taken off we were in the air for all of ten minutes. I looked at him and said we have to go back and land! He asked what was wrong, I replied that I’m going to crap my pants. So we turned the plane around and landed without incident. + +The next day my manager called and asked what had happened and I replied that I must have ate something I shouldn’t have. + +Months rolled by with no farther problems other then the psoriasis. + +I upgraded to captain and loved what I was doing. Then one day, it came back only this time it didn’t go away!! Much worse, I started taking Imodium gel caps one before the flight and as prescribed as many as I need during the flight.(this was a bad idea for me, but we will come back to this) +So off to the doctor I went and of course started to do familiar tests. Only this time after all the testing the doctor didn’t just say it was IBS but it also must be in my head. Now it’s time to send me to a shrink. + +There I am, off work by this point sitting on a couch playing head games at the same time trying not to mess myself. After the third session I said “it’s not in my head, no way!!! + +My wife is going crazy by this point with me not working, so off I went with the same problems back to work. The first day I tried to do one flight. Had diarrhea threes times and kept taking Imodium trying to fight it. I didn’t even get the engine started. I went back off work. + +Then my wife said “your going to do whatever I tell you to do now”! I was game because I just wanted this to be over. She sent me to a natural-path doctor, I thought that this was going to be a joke, but played along as I’m willing to do whatever by this point. This ended up being a game changer for me. I told her what was happening, and she said “tell me what you eat I the run of a day”. I told her and she replied that it sounds like a FOOD INTOLERANCE, and that it’s a simple blood test. I said that I already been tested, she replied “that’s for allergies”. + +I agreed to the test. About three weeks later she calls me, say the results are in. I went to see her she said I had three different intolerances one was potatoes another was cane sugar with fruit, and the last most important....soy. + +That day I eliminated all three and within a week all my symptoms were gone including my psoriasis, even the little bumps on the back of my arms went away!! + +I was so happy, the only problem now is that I have to prepare all my meals and read every label of anything I want to eat. So living on the road as an airline pilot makes it tough, but I’ve got it down now. + +Soy is what was causing all my problems, and if I have it today it comes back at full fold. Now remember how I said I was taking Imodium GEL caps, well one of the ingredients is SOY. Just like a car, jamming on the brakes while hitting the gas!! + +So I had medical problems that regular doctors couldn’t find, went to a naturalpathic doctor and found out that I have a food intolerance to Soy.",Anxiety +34027,"HIV Anxiety About 3 weeks ago, I was the insertive partner in unprotected anal sex with another guy. He claimed to be HIV- and sent me test results from November proving so. However, I'm still nervous. About 3 days after the encounter, I developed something akin to strep throat; this went away after ~10 days, possibly thanks to amoxicillin. Today, I took an in-home HIV test that came back negative, but apparently these are not guaranteed to be accurate until 3 months after the event. I'm incredibly worried that I have HIV after one mistake. Please help :(",Anxiety +34028,"Bump on the (fore)head I have noticed that there is a “bump” - it’s bone though, not actual bump as when you bump your head against something - on one side of my forehead. I can definitely see it looking from the profile. I haven’t ever really spent ages investigating my forehead shape, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t there always - however, I couldn’t tell how long it’s been present either. Years ago I had a pretty bad head injury in an accident, but I was overall ok and haven’t really had any problems since - so I’m guessing it’s probably not directly related, if there is anything... As of recent I have developed strange little symptoms, eg. I feel like I’m clumsier/less well co-ordinated than before and my muscles on one side feel a bit strange/achy sometimes, but these things aren’t very consistent and aren’t really getting worse, they’re probably in my head and they do get better with vitamin B. + +I know I tend to be a bit hypochondriac and after that accident years ago I was, understandably, pretty paranoid about anything head-related - that’s why I’m hesitant to actually speak to a doctor in case they think I’m crazy and I waste their time on nonsense. If there’s anyone on here who knows a bit about the subject - any doctors or med students maybe - do you reckon it is worth checking out? ",Anxiety +34029,"I'm having DVT anxiety again. Right now, I'm scared of my mood leg that I'm experiencing. I know it's just a mild cramp, probably stemming my back, I'm on my feet all day with bad arch support (flat feet). With HA you always think the worst; ""it's DVT, I'm going to get an aneurysm, 😱😱""",Anxiety +34030,"Anyone take medication for health anxiety? My health anxiety has become all consuming and I'm considering giving in and taking meds for it but I'm really worried about the side effects and not being able to drink, smoke weed or have good sex. Also afraid of weight gain...anyone have any advice or know of a good med to treat the ocd compulsions and over thinking about my health?",Anxiety +34031,"Should I be worried about a stomachache that's lasted for 3 days? I've felt absolutely awful since Tuesday. Been bedridden and haven't showered since Monday because every time I try to move, my stomach hurts. Is it normal for stomachaches to last this long? I'm so dehydrated but I can't drink because every time I do, I vomit...",Anxiety +34032,Is jaundice obvious? In scared my skin is jaundiced but I can't tell. Would it be blatantly obvious if I did have a liver problem. ,Anxiety +34033,"Paranoid about a healing bump on the forehead So almost two weeks ago (last Monday), I decided to go to Urgent Care because of chest pains. On my way to the car, I opened the door and it whacked me in the forehead. + +I had a huge egg on my forehead above my right eye and it has almost gone down completely. The only bump is a small vertical line raised that isn't much longer than 3/4"". + +But because it is a line and it hurts to touch it (as well as after touching it), my brain is telling me I'm going to die of a blood clot or a stroke. + +Can someone please help convince me this isn't the case? Dumb brain trying to scare me.",Anxiety +34034,"Did the elliptical really mess me up like this? Hey everyone, would love some input- I've been getting odd chest sensations for a while now along with shoulder, back and neck pains. I spoke to my doctor and he believes it's posture related. But lately, this week, the chest discomfort has become more pronounced. I went to the gym two days ago and while I was on the elliptical, I started feeling this almost burning sensation in my chest. It subsided somewhat once I stopped. That same sensation has come and gone since and now I have a spot that's sore to the touch right over my sternum. I'm thinking it's reflux related, especially since I'm on meds for that and I've been burping a lot, but does anyone else have any insight? I'm really trying to avoid going to the doctor for every little thing.",Anxiety +34035,"Second opinion for cancer? Hey there. + +I'm a 24 y/o female and in early October 2017 I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck about the size of a pea. Assuming it was from a cold as I had been coughing quite a bit. I let it go until I noticed again in early November it had grown in size. I noticed another under my right jaw and my doctor ordered an ultrasound and the left one measured 1.88 cm x 0.92 cm x 0.98 cm and the right one measured 1.27cm x .76cm x 1.06cm. I had other swollen lymph nodes as well, but this was the one I could feel from the outside. + +The ultrasound tech ordered another test through my GP (although my GP was hesitant to sign the form for my follow up) for early January, so I went on the 2nd. The left lymph node is now 1.74cm x 1.03cm X1.0cm and the right lymph node is now 1.79cm x 0.91cm x 1.22cm. + +I've also found that my cough has gotten worse despite not having any other ""cold"" symptoms (runny nose, sneezing, etc) as well as I am finding myself very short of breath with a chronic pinching/squeezing sensation below where my bra band sits. My doctor ordered a pulmonary function test and we are waiting for results. I find myself waking up in the middle of night really hot and sweaty and I have been getting an itchy rash on my stomach that comes and goes. When I mentioned this to my doctor she didn't think anything of it (I thought I might be getting fevers at night from a bad flu or something). + +I'm a little worried because the lymph nodes mentioned (as well as the other 8 or 9 notes in my ultrasound) have seem to have grown in some way or another and I'm hoping my doctor doesn't dismiss it like she did the last time. Would you reccomend a second opinion? Seeing if the lymph nodes grow more? I would love some peace of mind on this.",Anxiety +34036,"Just a little bit of encouragement Had an itch on my back, a really deep painful itch like nothing I'd felt before, and it's been about a month. No marks or rash. + +It's slowly going away!!! + +I'm excited to have one of those random unexplainable things which normal people get and don't worry about! + +HA sufferers - think about how many of your symptoms just magically went away. The human body is weird. + +Xxx",Anxiety +34037,"Irrationally terrified of seizures I have spent today being irrationally terrified of having a seizure. I've never had a seizure before. I've seen my sister having a diabetic seizure, but that's as close as I've gotten to ""experiencing"" one. + +My anxiety stems from the fact that people with retinal migraine are at a higher risk of experiencing seizures and strokes. + +Then there is this: I was prescribed Wellbutrin last week to help with getting out of bed in the mornings (coupled with venlaflaxine). My psych informed me that drinking alcohol can result in a seizure while on Wellbutrin. In addition, so can combining Wellbutrin and aspirin/Advil. He said Tylenol is OK, and I checked online for any drug interactions, too, which confirmed that it should be OK. I have a cold today and an upset stomach, so I took some Tylenol Cold & Flu pills to relieve it. + +And then I spent the rest of my evening preoccupied by the idea of having a seizure because I took Tylenol. I even contemplated seriously telling my boss that I could have a seizure, along with wanting to tell my coworker that if I am on the ground shaking uncontrollably that it is a seizure and to call an ambulance. + +Completely irrational, I know. Some days are just worse than others I suppose.",Anxiety +34038,"Brain zaps a brain zap is when it feels like your brain gets struck by a jolt of electricity, like a vibration feeling going through your head. they are usually brief/quick, and are associated with anxiety or medication withdrawal + +i only get them when im angry, never any other time.. hmmmm... i have never been on any medication for my mental health but i do have OCD. but it isn't anxiety that causes them, it's anger + +not just a bit of anger, it has to be a decent amount... + +(i have had this for 2 years. only just found out it is a thing that others get...) + +scared nobody else gets them from anger...",Anxiety +34039,"Insomnia Last month, I suddenly developed the worst case of insomnia I've ever had. I'll literally lie in bed for hours and I can't fall asleep. I can't even fall asleep to nap after a night of little sleep. I'm wondering if anyone else here has ever experienced that. My psychiatrist isn't worried about it, but I'm not really sure I trust her since it just keeps going on. She prescribed me sleeping pills, but they don't always work. ",Anxiety +34040,"Afraid to get worked up I posted here befpre about my healyh fears related to the head/brain mostly focusing on tumors,meningitis and the thing I hate to type out that involves bleeding in the head from a weakened or expanding blood vessel. + +I got a CT scan last month due to head pains ,nausea and dizziness. It was without dye/contrast and the scan came back nornal accorsing to the doctor. I still fear what I fear since I noticed whenever i get slightly annoyed or mad I feel a pressure or slight ache or pain at the top of my head. It even happens when im not getting angry but someone is getting mad at me. Now I cant help but think the worst. Im scared to sneeze or strain during a BM too. I also notice a squeezing senation like muscles squeezing on the top or back of my head whenever i gwt anxious or come inside from cold weather. + +Theres no history of what I fear in my family and I dont have high BP or smoke/drink. Im 80 lbs currently and I have been seeing therapist recently. + +Edit: changed weight after checking it. + +Update: tmi but had to go pass a bowel movement and qas a little difficult and i felt tension or pressure in my head qhile going but no headache afterwards",Anxiety +34041,"Very worried about my first blood test [22 year old male from London, England] + +I have never had a blood test before and I have decided to bite the bullet and get one next week. I am going to be requesting a blood test on Monday due to some GI problems I have had since November (which started when I started taking a daily multivitamin), although have not been serious enough to warrant consulting a medical professional but not mild enough to be ignored completely. I am absolutely terrified they are going to turn around and say that I have a serious form of cancer or IBD (there has not been any bleeding, fatigue or fever though). I know it's an irrational fear because I frequently exercise, 75% of my diet is healthy and I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. However, I still feel as though they are going to call me up and ask me to be at the hospital immediately. Reassurance would be appreciated! ",Anxiety +34042,"I’m a gay male hypochondriac so anxious about getting HIV. It’s affecting my life and relationships. Why do I feel like this? I have always had some form of hypochondria and more recently it has overrun my life and relationships. +I am deeply anxious all the time. I’m not intimate because of fear even though I’m in a monogamous relationship and I’m very conscious of my surroundings. For example , if I’m walking and someone coughs near me I have to look the other way or turn around directions. If someone sneezes same thing. I have to get as far away from them. Also if I go out to eat , i have to see food being prepared like sushi or salads in front of me , if I notice something off like worker using no gloves or touched something differently I buy the salad and struggle to eat it after inspecting it for blood or bodily fluid many times. + +I feel like my body is contaminated or some disease is brewing inside me all the time even though my latest blood work last August was all negative. I’m a habitual hand washer and sanitizer and I use alcohol to sanitize my razors toothbrushes before every use. + +I know HIV is very hard to get but over the past couple years i have been tested over 100 times including majority over the counter HIV test for $40 each. This is crippling me and I want to resolve this fear. ",Anxiety +34043,"I fear I was bitten by a bat or something Hello, + +I just need to get this off my chest. It am always worried about something with my health.About a week I was walking in my backyard. It was really cold in PA like below freezing. I had a coat and jeans on. When I was walking back I felt something near my knee. I didn't think anything of it. but I get random feelings all the time but nothing is ever there. But then a day later I found this and I am concerned. It doesn't itch or painful and its gone now. But for some reason I think it is a bite from something. My parents think I am crazy. +It has since healed. https://imgur.com/a/EMPVa +",Anxiety +34044,"Blood(???) in Stool Alright so this is an issue I’ve had on and off for years and I don’t know what to do. So basically, sometimes I have red spots in my stool. I say spots because it doesn’t fill the whole bowl, the whole stool isn’t red, just red spots. It also appears on my toilet paper time to time. I’m 21 now, and the first time anything happened was probably 5 years ago. Doctor did an occult test, found nothing but a hemroid, sent me on my way with a cream and I was fine for a while. It’s happened on and off since then and usually I either know it’s hemroids or I can trace it back to something red I ate. Recently however, it’s gotten worse. About a month ago, as my semester was ending there was about a week where I had stomach pains and twice in that week my stool had these red spots. I went to a local walk in clinic and had another occult test done and it also came back nevative. The doctor said it was probably something I ate. I’ve been fine this past month, but I just flew back from Europe and twice in the past 3 days I’ve noticed the same red spots. Now each time it happened I had a red fruity drink the day before so I still don’t really think it’s blood, but if that’s the case wouldn’t it appear as a liquid in the bowl and not a “spot” as I’ve described. + +Part of me wants to go to the doctor but I was just verified a month ago that it wasn’t blood, and I feel going again will just lead to the same result. I’m just wondering is it normal to have any redness in your stool once in a while from food and I’m just overly vigilante, as health anxiety definitely has made me, or is there more to it. Thanks for reading.",Anxiety +34045,Scary throat problems I had 2 respiratory infections in about a span of a month and when it finally began to clear up I had an persistent globule feeling in the opening of my throat. After about a week later that two passed and I began to have pain in the right side of my chest usually after eating. Most recently I've been having this electric shock feeling in the opening of my throat when I yawn or sometimes just stretch my neck. I feel like it maybe happened occasionally over the last couple weeks but I feel like the frequency and intensity is increasing with time. Someone please help.,Anxiety +34046,"Constant lung issues Hey all, + +Been having lung issues for months. Constantly feeling sick the last 4 weeks. Moved out of a house filled with mold. + +Been prescribed two diff antibiotics before tests showed nothing. + +Started feeling slightly better but was around a ton of cigarette smoke. + +It's like every other night I feel awful. Can't see the doctor again for a week. Just constantly losing my mind. Difficulty breathing doesn't help at all. + +Just needed to complain. Thanks. +",Anxiety +34047,"Can’t tell if panic attack or allergic reaction. Please help. So I have what I think is the common cold and decided to take Mucinex DM. After I took it I noticed there weren’t any effects listed on the package at all so I looked it up online. Well it says the most severe side effect is chest tightness/difficulty breathing. I was kinda already having chest tightness before I looked that up. Reading that made it even worse. + +The reason I can’t tell if it’s panic or not is because I started getting bad anxiety after reading about the flu epidemic and how it caused death and stuff. This was all after taking it. This is also my first time ever taking Mucinex DM. Everything is just making my feelings worse and I don’t know what to do. My main anxiety/panic symptoms are chest tightness, short breaths, and nausea. + +It said on the website to go to the ER but I’m too scared to and can’t afford it at all. I’m also worried it’s just my anxiety and that I’ll end up going for no reason. ",Anxiety +34048,"Student looking for information from mood tracking app users. Hello I’m an interaction design student looking to gather some information about mood tracking apps for a project. I’m looking to get a sense of the people that use them and their experiences. I hope you can spare a few minutes of your time to help me out. + +https://goo.gl/forms/LX5iR01zBYw6IO4H3",Anxiety +34049,"I feel like I’m going crazy. This all started after the death of a loved one. It was sudden, but not health related. Ever since then I analyze every single thing I do and how it could impact me. I’m always worried about my liver failing or something like that because I drink. I’m not an alcoholic by any means, at most I’ll have 4 drinks maybe twice a week. I’m 21 so that’s kind of the norm in college, but I still worry. A lot of my health anxiety is about other people as well. I constantly worry that my boyfriend is going to die for example. I know it’s so stupid and that I’m fine, but the worrying overtakes me. I know this started after the sudden death of a loved one. But at this point, I can’t control it and worrying is taking over my life. Thanks for reading this ",Anxiety +34050,"Health Anxiety is ruining my life. So it all started getting worse when about three weeks ago I accidentally got hit in the forehead with a soft car seat... I wasn't knocked out or anything, A & E said I had no serious injuries, no bruise etc. + +My Health Anxiety's like, ""Well how do you know you're fine, you should see a doctor again so that nothing new has come up."" + +I go to the doctor, I phone two different doctors and they tell me I don't have any signs of a serious head injury... I end up freaking out a few days later because of persistent headaches and feeling spaced out, so I go to the A & E again, a different doctor gives me a neurological examination and tells me I don't have any serious injuries and should be more concerned about my anxiety. + +Then out of nowhere one of my relatives has a heart attack and is in hospital (he's fine and well now) and I start to worry. A few days after visiting him, I'm at my boyfriend's house and lying in bed... I'm getting these headaches that have lasted about a week now as well as a sudden pain in my arm and chest, and become totally convinced that I'm having a heart attack or a stroke. It doesn't help that I was starving myself because I was so stressed out; I had lost half a stone in the space of a week. I thought that I was dying because I hadn't eaten and was having heart problems because of this. + +So now my HA brain thinks I've had a stroke twice without noticing or being diagnosed and that I have a damaged brain and that I also might have a brain tumour. + +I've not been able to smell or taste things as well since I got a minor bump on the forehead, but it's quite possibly the case that my anxiety is convincing me I have these symptoms... so I've remained in this constant heightened state of numbness because of my anxiety; believing that I have some sort of serious condition... I was even at an audiologist because I believed that a visit to the cinema had permanently damaged my hearing, everything was fine and he said I had no hearing damage... + +I go to the doctor again because of my severe anxiety; she tells me that all of my symptoms (headaches, ringing in ears, loss of sense of smell) are being caused by my anxiety. She prescribes me with propranolol... naturally I look up the side effects and become terrified to take the medication. + +Just today, I started getting a headache and was convinced I was taking a stroke again. I've became kind of emotionally numb now because I'm constantly ruminating about what could be wrong with me health-wise. I can't even enjoy things anymore because my HA goes, ""Well maybe you can't enjoy that or feel much emotions or think about that the same way as you did before because you have brain damage caused by an undiagnosed TBI or a stroke."" I can't pay attention to things. + +It doesn't matter what the doctors say, after a few hours I'm always convinced that they're wrong and that there's a serious problem with my brain and they haven't been able to find it yet. + +I'm so sick of this. Can anyone else relate? + +How do you convince yourself that there's nothing seriously wrong with you? ",Anxiety +34051,"2+ years of relentless HIV anxiety - please read and KEEP CALM For the last couple of years, I have been utterly petrified of HIV. I'd say it has crossed my mind at least once an hour for the last 2 years and 4 months. Statistically, the chances of me having it were alwaysridiculously small, and none of the science would support the hypothesis that I had contracted HIV. + +But some brains work in funny ways. And mine is an example of a brain that immediately believes the worst possible outcome. And I'm sure there are many many many more out there who have wrapped themselves in a similar web of self-loathing and utter panic. The advent of Dr Google is good, but it can also do some terrible things for our mental health. + +The solution the whole time was simple: test. Test and set yourself free. It's hugely important on so many levels to know your HIV status. For your own health, for your sexual partner's health. For the sake of the NHS. I am so glad I got tested. I can literally feel a part of my brain resuming activity. It feels strange not carrying around the fear I had been carrying before; it has literally given me a headache as my brain tries to decide how to reallocate this space. + +I had ALL the symptoms. Absolutely text book seroconversion illness. Fever, sore throat, swollen glands, night sweats, stomach discomfort, everything. Doctor's presumed it was glandular fever, but tests never confirmed the presence of the EBV (which it should for glandular fever). Classic ARS. Of course, after a couple of weeks I was back on my feet again, and the doctor was quite content.Then about a year after this, I came out in a weird rash that wouldn't go away for like 2 weeks. Seemed like some sort of bacterial infection (to me). And it always got worse in the sun. OBVIOUSLY my immune system was compromised. + +From the moment of my ""glandular fever"" my brain had convinced myself I was carrying HIV. But I wasn't brave enough to test. I was being cowardly. However, over the last few months I've been having some stomach issues, which are pretty non-specific, and the internet didn't really help me link it to HIV. The doctor did suggest a CBC test for me though, I think just to get an idea if anything was going on, blood-wise (obviously lol). I was told by the nurse who carried out the blood test that it was very much a case of ""no news is good news"". + +Of course, having had the blood test on Monday, first thing on Tuesday I got a call from the doctor. My white blood cell count was low, and she wanted me to come in so she could feel my lymph nodes. AHHHHH! My brain went in to overdrive. I couldn't cope. This was it. My worst fears realised. Why me? Why me?!! That's exactly what HIV does - it attacks white blood cells. Nooooo! + +I went in for the doctor's appointment, and she said all my lymph nodes were normally and no cause for concern. + +She did then say, ""I would like to test you for HIV"". My world was crumbling inwards. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, a very conservative, early twentys, heterosexual male. I looked at the statistics to such a deep level, that I knew that in my country of residence, there was only 32 males aged 15-24 who were HIV positive. That's essentially like 0% of the population. I was about to become a medical phenomenon. + +The doctor eventually decided just to take the CBC again in 6 weeks time, and that we wouldn't test for HIV just yet (as I kind of freaked out when she suggested the HIV test). But the time was now - I needed to know. I would have no quality of life with this intense level of anxiety coursing through every fibre of my being, every second of the day. I had a second job interview for a pretty plush job that day, and I totally flunked it due to the unbearable mental tension I felt. + +I did manage to summon the courage to order a HIV home test kit, which I had delivered to my family home, where I would have the test in the presence of my family so that I could receive immediate support from those closest to me when the test returned a positive result (and in my head, it was very much of WHEN not IF). I spoke to them on the day the doctor said about my low WBC, and they were all wonderfully supportive (did have to speak to my Mum about my sex-life though - not ideal). + +So I went home yesterday, and I had the test. And, of course, it was a big fat NEGATIVE. Which it always has been. It was a crucifying 15 minutes waiting for the test to work, but during those 15 minutes, on a deep level I felt a sense of peace. The band aid had been ripped off, and life was going to move on. + +HIV is the worst for health anxiety, as almost everything can be linked back to it. The anxiety can make your brain question everything - I was even questioning my ability to swallow at one point. But the chances are, going off the plethora of statistics out there, you don't have it, whoever you are who is out there searching for every piece of HIV research ever (which has been me for the last two years). But still, if the anxiety is as stressful and overbearing as what I was experiencing, you need to get tested. Now. Somehow. Make it happen. + +I took the time to write this in the hope that someone who is currently going through a similar thing to what I went through, can find solace in it. You will be alright regardless. You are a good person. But you need to put your mind to rest. You need to have the test. + +'Thinking Fast and Slow' by Daniel Kahneman teaches a brilliant lesson in terms of this. Our brains are desperate to come up with a story that will justify our irrational way of thinking/catastrophising. But numbers matter. Statistics speak volumes. You are not special. You are overwhelmingly likely to be normal. You aren't the 1 in 100,000 shot. You are the 99,999 out of 100,000 shot. Our brains struggle to compute the true values of these numbers, but we must try. + +Peace! + +",Anxiety +34052,"Convinced I'm dying. First post in here - very nervous so it'll be long winded. + +On Monday, I had pain under my armpit and across my chest on the left side. I convinced myself I had everything from breast cancer to heart failure. Went to the doctor on Thursday and she diagnosed me with shingles. My rash is more like a cluster of spots, and it's not itchy or have any of the other symptoms. + +Since then, I've convinced myself my organs are failing and that I have a blood clot. + +The latest is breast cancer. Was in the shower and noticed a small, about an inch long, patch of skin that's red. No itch, no rash, spot or lumps. It's not hot to touch. It's just red skin. The thing that's throwing me is that it's on my right side, whereas the shingles is on the left. + +I've alway suffered with anxiety, but never health anxiety. I've just bought a house and I'm moving in on Friday - I'm starting to think that because I'm not stressed about that, I'm stressing about every single twinge in my body. For example, I'm now extremely dizzy. It's a side effect of the anti vitals, but I'm here writing a will. + +Somebody please tell me I'm not going crazy. ",Anxiety +34053,"I'm scared It started with me checking randomly my neck and noticing a lymph node which if I recall correctly I have had for at least a year and another behind my ear which was there for years (I went to two doctors and at different times and got told there was nothing to worry), but I keep checking my neck basically everyday and keep finding others which I don't know if they were there before or not and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. + +My throat doesn't feel ok even though I got checked by three doctors. I feel like I have a bit of nausea and the other day I had a bit of fever which only lasted one night. Also my left ear from times to times feel obstructed which I've been told is due to my nasal septum deviation. + +And I could list a lot of other stuff that's wrong with me but that would get too long. + +**A little over a month ago I had blood tests which didn't show anything wrong beside some vitamin but everyday I find a new symptom and I'm getting really scared right now. I keep thinking what if I took the tests too early, what if...** + + +**I don't know what to do anymore, everyday something new pops up. I try to think about other stuff but eventually... I get back there.** +",Anxiety +34054,"Eating less for 1-2 weeks and metabolism. I'm 18yo male. I lost my appetite couple weeks ago (due to stress and mental problems I think), I was forcing myself to eat enough calories per day which is around 2500, but now I can't do this anymore, an apple can fill me up for many hours and sometimes I can't even think about eating more. +I'm visiting my doctor in 1-2 days, but before I will feel better I probably won't eat enough food and I'm afraid of my metabolism. Will this situation destroy it?",Anxiety +34055,"I think School gave me social anxiety story is, since I was born until I was 12 I was bullied, no big deal because I am not traumatized and I am actually in good terms with my old classmates now, but, being bullied made me what people call ""a NEET"" I don't mind talking to people or going outside.... well, I guess I do set some limits to myself when it comes to socializing (to the point I am almost always quiet) + +I blame the school system, at least on my country, because it's made in a way that even when I moved to the US, it just isn't easy to socialize with others because you have to be quiet or talk low, this also gave me troubles with talking low usually, it's hard for me not to, well, I scream a lot when I watch videos (I am kind of crazy xd) but in my comfort zone only and well, I spent most of my days on a pc watching videos and having fun + +My parents also just don't know how to take care of a child, you see, I got depression and maybe something else thanks to my dad, he isn't abusive, he does things for a good purpose but the way he does it made me hard to tolerate him (the slightest thing, even just saying a bad joke, if it comes from him it would make me mad over the line, and I don't want to feel like that but I can't avoid it, I dunno why, it's just how he made me). I also don't find anything to do outside my house and that's why I don't even ask to get out of there adding how overprotective my parents are and when I actually do want to they just don't let me (I almost never go to my friends houses, I had a friend who didn't care when I went but hey, after 2 visits I couldn't anymore because of their paranoia and being overprotective, I don't hate them for that, not even mad, I just dislike how few chances I have of doing stuff like that) + +I think I am forgetting something.... I don't know.... I am not diagnosed with social anxiety nor seen anyone to tell me I have that, but I dunno my man, I am trying to explain my story but it's so badly structured that I just want to get to the point, I am a NEET and I am used to live on the internet just chatting with people through text messages +but today, I tried VRChat and I just.... couldn't talk, I wanted to, but I couldn't, most of the times I just think my voice isn't right for my words and a lot of times, I just don't know, I can't, maybe I feel insecure? I just wonder if there's a way to fix this.... I don't think it's deep +I don't feel pretty good now, I was getting too bored in the game and I got tired of not doing a thing in VRChat, my plan was to be a silent person and interact with people but it's hard without VR, and it still gave me the chills to interact with them. I am frustrated because my voice... it isn't bad, but I can't think of a avatar who would fit it, my own appearance doesn't fit with my voice, and even though I know many people have appearances that don't fit their voices my words, my words are just what can't get out, by just thinking how it will sound or saying it to listen to it +This is annoying, I don't really hate my life, I had fun when I was 10 and didn't have any friends, just spent the whole time watching videos and playing game, and I still had fun when I got friends on the internet or people to talk to (ironically, people ruined that fun ""a little bit"" xd at the price of making it more fun) I am having fun now but now, well, I just handled depression I guess, but talking to people is still something hard to do for me, at least I got friends in my school, but I am still just too quiet and I am annoyed by that, I also find it almost impossible to start conversations, or just impossible (but, without speaking.... meh, it feels like there's no risk, I dunno, when I type I don't think I could mess up, not because of my voice, but it's still pretty hard, but I think that's how it is usually, hard) + +I wanna add that my family aren't something I can call friends or people to talk to, they have a lot of issues that are responsible for who I am now, I also almost never talk to them, specially when I just think there's nothing to talk about (with most people actually, but there's a fewer amount of topics with them) +And well, that's my thing, I just want to know if there's something I can do, sorry for wasting your time, this is a mess, I don't normally make such a mess when I type stuff but this is one of the things I found the hardest to talk about (not emotionally), I usually make a mess when I find things hard to explain or to type, but this one is just the worst xd oh well +at least I am not always like this, there are times where I just have energy",Anxiety +34056,"Website blockers help a lot I block all search engines and all health websites so I cannot ""research"" my symptoms and start freaking out about my health. My health anxiety diminished significantly since implementing the blockers. I highly recommend using them.",Anxiety +34057,"Fear of medicaments Hey everyone, + +I have a little urinary infection and the doctor prescribed me 2 different medicaments : urispas 200 mg 3x a day every 8 hours, and ciproxina 500 mg 2x a day every 12 hours. +But now I'm wondering if that's not a little too much for a urinary infection and I fear that it can have negative effects. It's maybe stupid but I'm now thinking that maybe I missed something and didn't understand that it wasn't to take at the same time the same week, but one one week and the other the other week. Which wouldn't make any sense imo but I'm still wondering nonetheless. + +What do you guys think ? (and btw, english isn't my first language but I hope you understood everything)",Anxiety +34058,Constant colds Since the last six months I would have been sick due to the sniffles (nothing major - would be cured in a matter of 4 to 5 days) at least once a month. Sometimes twice within the same month. I am scared this is due to some weakened immunity. Please advise! I eat healthy and exercise. I do travel a lot for work. Is this due to that?,Anxiety +34059,"Stain on neck I noticed something on my neck about a month ago. It looks like a pimple what seemed to be a yellow bruise down below it. I then forgot about it because I then started worrying if I had colon cancer because my stomach would make noises non stop. After my stomach issues cleared up by themselves I noticed my neck and the stain got darker and a bit bigger. For the past week or so I’ve been constantly looking up melanoma and now I feel like I have it. I’ve been obsessing, taking 50 pictures a day of my neck, crying, it able to eat properly, feeling like I’m going to faint, shaking, and not being able to be happy with my wife and daughter. I spoke to a virtual doctor and said I should get tested to see if it is melanoma and I’ve been crying and worrying all day. I feel like I’m going insane and the thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind at least once because the thought of leaving my wife and daughter behind and the fact that I’m only 26 scares me so much. I want to grow old with my wife and thinking that I might die so scares me so much. I’m going to an actual doctor tomorrow and I can’t handle it. I don’t know how I’m going to be like at work. I constantly keep googling and once I start I can’t stop. I feel like I have melanoma and it’s already to late because it might be advanced. I’m scared and all I want to do is cry and not move. I just want to be in bed and hold my wife and have her tell me that I’m going to be okay over and over again. I just needed to vent. ",Anxiety +34060,"sensations seemingly in heart Hi all! Do any of you ever have fleeting sensations coming from your heart? I can't find anything about it online so I figured I would ask folks here. The sensations I get aren't necessarily painful, but they give me anxiety as I feel like something is wrong with my heart. I have a history of stimulant use but I have long since said fuck off to those. This normally happens right when I wake up and get out of bed if at all. I'm 24 and am in pretty good shape. Any thoughts?",Anxiety +34061,"Pupil size I’m a 30 year old female, and just noticed a difference in pupil size. It’s only in dim light and I’ve been to the optometrist 2 times everything looks fine and I have 20/20 vision she said it was so small she didn’t notice it until I mentioned it. But obviously still have been anxious and checking in the mirror nonstop. I got a horrible stiff neck back in June and have had a kink in my neck since- I’m also a long distance walker 10miles 4X a week and have been told this can be because of hip stuff. I have had blood work and everything is fine. But I’m convinced I have a spinal or brain tumor, it’s been hard for me to concentrate on information ( probably because I’m preoccupied with anxiety) and I’m dizzy but I can’t tell if I’m making that up too. Feeling crummy and pretty shameful. ",Anxiety +34062,"Weird symptoms I've suffered from health anxiety for a couple of years now on and off and my greatest struggle is my breathing. I always try to control my breathing so much where it's all I will focus on and because of that a different part of my body will start to feel pain. For instance, sometime when I focus on my breathing so much my arm begins to really hurt. It's not just my limbs but also I try to breathe so hard and gasp for air that my lungs hurt very badly, I just really have no idea what's going, can someone please tell me what's wrong with me.",Anxiety +34063,"Do lung cancer coughs ever clear up? So I was convinced that I had lung cancer and my chest infection was a symptom of it. But now my cough is slowly starting to clear up. Can a lung cancer cough go away, if the cancer is still there? Health anxiety fucking sucks ",Anxiety +34064,"Is this normal? Please read/reply Hi, I'm 20 years old I suffer from bad anxiety regarding eyes, I'd love to know if this is normal... it works better in the dark, but say you stare at your bright computer screen right now, with one hand cover either one of your eyes so your pinky is running down the side of your nose (leave the covered eye still open) and with the open un-covered one, stare blankly at the screen (like when you defocus your eyes so everything goes blurry), now after 8+ seconds you'll notice coming out from the eye that's covered, it's like a dark area begins to engulf your vision, not fully but dissapears as soon as you move/blink/refocus. it's strange but i'd like to know... thankyou.",Anxiety +34065,"Ive been really struggling mentally Since a trip in October where I went to sit down and felt a sharp pain in my hip, I haven't been the same mentally since. I recently had been dealing with acid reflux, doc believes to be due to IBS which had me on a tear and now I'm dealing with this.Now I'm having a non stop tingling cramp ish pain in my inner thigh and knee and sometimes pain in my hip and it doesnt seem to be relieved by anything,I'm doing -anti-inflammatory pills, stretching, ice, compression.. Nothing seems to work, no lumps or redness or swelling idk. I'm going mad.",Anxiety +34066,"Yay. A new thing to worry about. Tonight while taking a drink I swallowed wrong & am convinced I aspirated some into my lungs. Spent the last 15 minutes Googling & am now worried I will end up with aspiration pneumonia. +It is always something. Always. ",Anxiety +34067,"I'm really struggling I've suffered with Anxiety for about 5/6 years now, however in the last year my health anxiety has gotten extremely bad. +Everywhere hurts at different times or different days and I constantly think I'm going to die. Whether it be a pain in my chest, or a rash on my arm or even if I find a bump one somewhere. + +About a year and a half ago I started saying 'touch wood' if I or anyone else said something worrying that might happen. Eg if I said 'I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack' followed by me saying 'touch wood' and then touching something wooden. It made me feel secure, like it made it not true and it wouldn't happen once I said and touched it. + +However it then got extremely out of control to the point where any time I even thought about something happening to me I'd tap the side of my head twice (for some reason this was my new 'touch wood instead of trying to find something actually wooden) +I still say it sometimes, but if I only think of something terrible happening I won't say anything out loud but rather say it in my head and touch my temple twice. I know this sounds crazy weird but I literally can't go a day without doing it now. + +My health anxiety is so bad. I've been reading other posts and I relate to most of them which really stresses me out. I will always go to the worse case scenario and I can't stop. I'm constantly getting pains in my arm or numbness, shortness of breath, chest pains, headaches, shaking etc. I know/hope deep down its my anxiety but I can never calm myself down. + +To make it worse my boyfriend gets annoyed at me for 'constantly being sick' ie when I have headaches or even when I get a numb pain or something he usually tells me I'm over reacting which makes me more stressed and upset. + +Idk if this is even the right place to post and even posting it is making me super anxious. I just can't get a moment to relax. My whole life is revolving around my anxiety. Every single day I think of death and how this might be my last day etc. + +How do I stop this? I'm really losing my mind. + + + ",Anxiety +34068,"Where I'm now with depersonlization/derealization So its been 7 hard crushing months but im glad to say it's mainly over. However, it wasent easy. If u haven't read about my subreddit about how to deal with depersonlization I highly recommend u check it out. If u r still dealing with derealization plz message me YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Trust me I'm the most paranoid kid I've been through hell and back with this. + +So near about October/November I thought about DP (depersonlization) less and less, honeslty it's gotten so much better for me and i thank God for that. However I've not felt the same. Sometimes I feel like time is moving fast or that I'm in a simulation but that's just me being me;even my friend who has never taken weed or had DP is also thinking about these things. + +The good news is it does get better bad news is it takes time and motivation. I personally had to go to a psychiatrist about my problem however yall be fine without one. My thoughts took over me and i felt more depressed than depersonalised; Don't get me wrong some days I thought I was dead like literally. For a solid 5-6 months or so I woke up everyday and it was the first thought on my mind it was shit I couldn't talk to my bro without thinking he and myself weren't real, i honeslty felt suicidal. + +Then some day I just woke up and i didn't think about it don't know why just didnt. I learned to control my thoughts but not to block them out. It's like me saying QUICK DONT THINK ABOUT A DOG ON ICE, boom bet u thought that, fuckin magician I am. Anyway it's all about acknowledging your thoughts don't block them out or try to get rid of them however don't let them take over you. Say to yourself 'I know you're there I'm just not in the mood to talk right now' it's like a fly in the room the more you try get rid of it the worse you will exhaust yourself however if u see it u wait don't put your full attention on it and let it see it'self out. + +Overall time is a healer and depersonlization taught me a lot about life and i hope whatever stage you are at now it gets better. Stay cool and collective, peace my dudes :) ",Anxiety +34069,"Visual migraines? A few months ago, I (starving, dehydrated, anxious, overworked uni student) was sitting in my school before a class when suddenly this weird curvy shape appeared in my vision, specifically in my left eye. Kinda like if you stare at a light too long and you’re left with a retinal image for a bit, except this was kinda flashing and obscured my vision. This weird episode lasted for about 30 mins, and occurred again three weeks after that, and again a week after that. Thanks to the internet (and my mom, who says she has a history of these in her past), I self diagnosed myself with visual migraines (which can present themselves with no pain, as my episodes did). At the time I took this as a call from higher powers (aka my brain?) that I needed to get more sleep, drink more water, eat better, etc. and I hadn’t had an episode for two months. +Well I just had another one of these episodes, and although today happened to be a very bad eating day and I was super dehydrated, I’m starting to worry about these. What if I have a brain tumor? What if I’m going blind? What if I’m about to die? These are the questions pounding through my head right now. Any advice? Anyone have similar symptoms ever?",Anxiety +34070,"Chest Hey guys i hope everyone is well! This weekend i had slight chest pain and difficulty breathing aswell as a stuffy blocked nose. It was after hours so my local GP (doctors surgery) was closed, meaning the next best thing was the ER..i heard about this deadly flu going around and got my ass straight to the ER as soon as i started feeling this. They did heart monitoring and blood sample as well as a chest x ray and said everything was clear and that it must just be an infection. I was prescribed amoxicillin (500mg) 4 a day, spread out evenly. I feel better in the sense that my chest isnt as breathless and my nose isnt as stuffy and im generally perkier but the chest pain is still there and im worried about it. What if its fluid in my lung or pneumonia? Its just bizarre that my flu-like symptoms have essentially gone in the past 40 hours after 2 days on antibiotics yet i still feel this uncomfortable, worrying chest! Any advice? ",Anxiety +34071,"Does anyone by any chance know what a Pedriatric does for constipation? Im 15 years old and have had constipation for months,GP referred me to Pediatric in hospital to see what they think i should do... have no idea what to expect or if they will check me out? Im just worried they will check me like how they do for hemorrhoids..:/",Anxiety +34072,"Arm aches/ symptoms on one side of body Hey guys. I posted here before in mid December about having numbness and weakness on the right side of my body. I went home after finals week and my stress level dramatically decreased as I realized how well I did in my classes and I was able to decompress while at home. I went on a ski trip with my family in the middle of the break, right after Christmas, and I felt no symptoms at any time during that trip. I felt fantastic. As I came home and started to prepare to go back to school, I started feeling anxious that I would fall down into the same anxiety rabbit hole again in the second semester, and gradually the weakness and numbness started to come back. Now that I’ve been back at school for 8 days and the anxiety has persisted (albeit less severe) I’m still feeling tightness in the right side of my neck and in my right leg, as well as weakness and numbness in my right limbs. The symptom that is scaring me though is that my right arm feels dead, and I have aches in my shoulder and upper arm that really change in severity depending on the time and on what my arm is doing or where it is. + +I just feel so stupid about this. It’s following the same trends as it did last semester and that all went away when I stopped stressing. Now I’m stressing again, but for some reason my mind doesn’t want to attribute this to the stress and I keep worrying that it’s a horrible disease coming to claim my life. Anyone have any input on a situation like this?",Anxiety +34073,"I’m a visitor at the emergency room, scared of getting sick. Hello! Right now I’m with my mom in the emergency room because she has the flu. Everyone here is sick with the flu, and everyone here is wearing masks including me. I have no choice but to wait here with my mom, but I’m terrified with the thought of myself coming down with the flu. Not to mention that my health anxiety is acting up because of the hospital itself :(. I just need to vent. Thank you.",Anxiety +34074,"Abdominal discomfort and headaches. Crazy Anxious Im 30 male and overweight. I don't know how much of this is anxiety but I've had all sorts of weirdness in my abdomen for like a month. Cramping all over but mostly a spot of pressure below my left rib. Its like always there though its really minor pain/pressure. But just today I got some pain in my lower right abdomen. I've had GERD a while but its never been like this. Also what feels like a lump in my throat but I went for the CT and laryngoscopy and nothing there. on that For like 2 weeks I've had intermittent tension headaches and lightheadedness. Im scheduled to see the gastroenterologist in a week but I know how anxious I've been and have been considering going to the ER. Just would love some reassurance. + +Thanks",Anxiety +34075,"Horrid smelling dollar bill (smells like a dead animal[rabies anxiety]) A little background of myself. I have a severe phobia of rabies ever since I was bitten by a dog two years ago. Now every little thing triggers my fear. Anyways, today in the grocery store I received some money that smelled absolutely disgusting. The type of smell you smell from a rancid, dead animal. Now I've convinced myself that someone came into contact with a dead, rabid animal, didn't wash their hands, and smeared whatever gunk they picked up from the hypothetical animal onto the dollar bill that I touched. This is my most far-fetched scenario yet but I've persuaded myself that this is what happened. I'm sick of living this way. This shit is debilitating and ruins every waking moment of my life. How the fuck do I stop thinking like this?",Anxiety +34076,"Lymph node anxiety Hi guys, long time lurker here. For about the past 6 months I’ve had my health anxiety under control, or at least I accepted the anxiety as it was. I just got back from a vacation and for some reason my lymph nodes under my jaw are swollen. I’m rather thin and they’re not terribly noticeable but if I feel around it’s maybe a little smaller than the size of my thumb. I’ve just been freaking out a bit even though I know that I got tons of mosquito bites (which can make lymph nodes noticeable) on my trip and I was on a plane with a bunch of sick people. I just wanted to post so that I didn’t keep this in my head. I guess I’ll just roll with it and if they don’t go down in a few weeks I’ll get them checked out. Thanks for letting me vent.",Anxiety +34077,"My Health Anxiety Story and How I am Recovering Hello /r/HealthAnxiety! + +Allow me to tell you my health anxiety story and how I am beginning to recover from this psychological illness! + +The first precursor to my health anxiety was probably almost a year ago to the date when I felt a bump on my shoulder, which I thought was a tumor. Of course, it ended up being a deeply embedded pimple or cyst and resolved on its own after I went to the doctor who said the same thing. When I went into full-blown panic mode was back in April when I woke up with two puncture marks on my ankle after staying the night at a sister's house. Knowing that they once had an issue with a bat in the attic, I assumed that a magical bat had made its way all the way downstairs, embedded itself in the bowels of my sister's house, and bit me on the ankle. Of course, this magical bat must have had rabies too. Spoiler warning, but I did not die of rabies and am not writing this as a ghost. + +My health anxiety probably climbed into a hysteria that consumed me last June. I was going to a university field station when I fell ill. Really ill. Not being able to keep down food or water for three days ill. Thus, I flew home as I had missed much of the class and assumed that I was going to die and wanted to so around family. Yet, again, I did not die, but the ordeal had traumatized me enough to sink into full-time paranoia that I would not escape until October. + +Except for the occasional stomach ache things were fine for a month from a physical perspective, but from a mental perspective (if thinking I had terminal skin cancer from a 2mm mole was any indication) I was in rough shape. + +In mid-July, I developed the first sign of a rare birth defect that I did indeed end up having. Now, before you go into a google symptom, allow me to explain what happened: my belly button burst open. It was not painful as I didn't know this had occurred for an hour. It wasn't until I looked down and saw that my outie had turned into a popped inside outie. I walked to the hospital and was diagnosed with cellulitis and told to go to a follow-up with the university doctors. Ultrasound showed nothing. It was only after a CT scan two months later that they saw a 1""x2""x3"" sinus and cyst located behind and below my belly button. The operation was a success and it was removed two months ago. I even got an innie out of the ordeal. In between July and October I had been tested for just about anything and the only thing that came up were elevated liver enzymes and a weird-ass belly button. + +In the meantime, I had begun CBT and doubled my dosage of Celexa (which is now down), which helped a lot. Besides teaching me mindful thinking, my therapist became a good outlet to just talk about life and my general grievances that I had been experiencing as a graduating senior from a top state university. + +To err on the side of caution, my PCP sent me to a liver specialist to get my liver checked out. They tested me for any liver ailment you can think of, and the only weird thing was my beta globulins- ever so slightly out of range (think 0.1 out of range when usually 1 or 2 out of range indicates an actual problem). Wanting to be as thorough as possible, the pathologist recommended a Bence-Jones Test for leukemias myelomas, and pre-leukemia. The test came back negative. Specialist ruled that it was just an off result due to my immune system still recovering from surgery about two and a half weeks before and I had had no other symptoms consistently. This final test was taken after Christmas break and ordered before it so despite being told I did not have a deadly illness, I stewed over it. + +And then, something happened. Something clicked in my head. I was sick of being prodded at and tested. I looked at my medical information logs for every time I visited the doctor and whenever I was with anyone but my PCP, my blood pressure jumped thirty points and pulse went up to 90bpm over 70. Living in America, I realized that doctors will NEVER stop running medical tests unless they are sure they have ruled out a condition. They don't want to get sued and if you have the insurance or money WILL run a test if you are insistent enough. This all hit me in about 24 hours. I decided that should that final test come back negative that I would only go to the doctor if anything were seriously and obviously wrong or for my psychiatric check-ups. I only google things five minutes a day and I do not talk to my doctors over the patient portal- only at appointments. + +My status has improved tremendously these past two and a half weeks. I wanted to tell you guys that there is hope, and what you likely suffer from is a psychological issue. It really is. In seven months the only weird things they could find was: +-Elevated liver enzymes, likely prescription or slight fatty liver after a huge barrage of tests +-Maybe some gallbladder sludge/stone +-Weird-ass belly button thing where if you had it would be very obvious or already addressed in your childhood (having it through adulthood so unlikely that they like to write case studies on it) + +And guess what? These were and are all very treatable. I came back here to post to tell you guys that it can get better. I felt a twinge in my upper right abdomen and got a little panicked tonight but this was the first time I felt even remotely worried about something in the last two weeks. I don't know if it'll take therapy, different meds, getting sick of tests, or all three, but you can get there. Don't give up.",Anxiety +34078,"Possible Ear Infection? So my left ear is a bit red and itchy, it also feels like it’s burning and it’s tender to touch in certain places, especially just before the inside of the ear and behind the ear like the rounded bit on the outside. + +I think it might be my earphones that have caused the problem so I’ve stopped using them for a couple days. + +I’m not sure if this is something I should go to the doctor about or not. I know ear infections and stuff don’t really need treated but I wasn’t sure if I should just wait it out or go see a doctor about it. ",Anxiety +34079,"Melanoma on Upper Back? I've been anxious my whole life about my health. However, it seems that I kill myself over nothing because, in the end, I had nothing. But now, something concerning appeared, a weird patch that is slightly darker than the rest and it isn't symmetrical. I just noticed this and I'm REALLY freaking out. I'm a minor and I don't know when I can schedule another doctors appointment. I've read that it can be extremely dangerous. I don't know what to do or how to handle my emotions right now.",Anxiety +34080,"Random itchiness? Just looking for possibilities I guess, here's what happened: + +I'm preparing to move by putting stuff into boxes, today I focused on decorations such as figurines around the house, military memorabilia, books, and small miscellaneous items. The only thing out of the ordinary was an old roommate's uniform that moved out like 6 months ago that was sitting under where I put my motorcycle helmet, I picked it up and unfurled it, saw it was his put it in my roommates pile of stuff. About 45 minutes later (give or take) my arms became itchy, incredibly itchy. + +When I looked at it it looked like a rash all on one side of my forearm (basically exactly where the uniform touched) and then a couple of welt like spots a bit away. I washed my arms but a little bit after I was itchy on the middle of my back, shoulder, upper thighs, calves, ankles, chest, and stomach. I hopped immediately in the shower and changed clothes. + +There is a chance it was old fuel on the uniform, I have a stuffed nose and can't smell a thing. My friend hasn't had a rash of any sort. Any thoughts? + +FYI: I'm going to medical in the morning I just want thoughts now is all",Anxiety +34081,"Lump in right side of my throat So I’ve been sick for about 2 weeks now, and I believe I have a chest cold. I am now more concerned about everything. My throat feels like it has something stuck in it on the right side. It doesn’t hurt to talk or anything but there is a very small pain when I swallow. I still have my tonsils, and I’ve never had issues with them beforehand. I got convinced that I have throat cancer as I smoke. I don’t smoke that much in a day, and I’ve been smoking for about 4 years. I am getting very anxious and I don’t know what I should do. I’m starting to believe that its my cold and I need to drink more water. What do you guys think?",Anxiety +34082,"How do you guys manage fever? Please let me know urgent. Thanks! + +",Anxiety +34083,"Fear of HIV and HIV test I’m a homosexual guy and I performing oral sex to the stranger in Oct 2017 which is 3 months ago. He ejaculated in my mouth but I spit away. Recently I encountered with muscle aches and fatigue. I googled the symptoms and all bring me to hiv related. Some sources stated it’s extremely low to get infected but I’m still anxious about it. + +I want to get tested but the process of waiting the result is torturous. Plus I scared of needle and blood very much. And too many what ifs on my mind right now. This is crazy and drive me insane. Sigh I hate myself... Help!",Anxiety +34084,"Struggling with hantavirus fear... I can't rationalize out of it Hi all.. Never posted here, but I've been struggling with health anxiety for about a year. + +I'm just really scared and anxious right now. I woke up yesterday with a cough which progressed to lung pain. I've never had lung pain, so I think that is where a lot of this fear is coming from. Last night I got a fever, and today I'm pretty sick. Fever, mild sore throat, productive cough, and pretty bad body aches. + +See, I'm freaking out about hantavirus because two weeks ago, I dismantled a crappy structure in my sunroom where my dogs hang out. It was really, really dusty. So much dust. I didn't wear a mask or anything. I didn't see any mice or droppings or anything, but there was so much dust. To make matters worse, I live in New Mexico, where hantavirus is most common. I also live in a county where there was a case in 2016. + +This just doesn't feel like my normal kind of sick. It started in my lungs, where usually when I get sick my first symptoms is a sore throat and stuffy nose. Now my nose is barely stuffy, but I have a really bad cough. It's been a long time since I've had a fever, and I can't recall getting muscle aches before this. + +All the factors combined are freaking me out really bad. I live in the state it is most common, I cleaned out an enclosed space where there was lots of dust, and now two weeks later (within the incubation period) I came down with a sickness that I feel is unusual for me. + +Someone please talk to me. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of this crazy fear I feel. I can't stop googling about hantavirus. I've been at it for hours, since I woke up today.",Anxiety +34085,Hair fall So I've posted here before regarding my hair loss issue. I mentioned in my previous post that I have a very oily scalp and a lot of dandruff on my hair and as a result I have bald patches. Some people recommend me to see the doctor for second opinion so I visited another dermatologist today. She was able to diagnose my problem. She said I have a very severe hair loss at a very early age (I'm only 17). The problem she mentioned was androgenic alopecia. She said normally this problem is caused because of genetics but since none of my family members are bald it's probably due to an harmonal imbalance. So I'm wondering is there anyone who suffered from a similar problem and how did they manage to recover their hair?,Anxiety +34086,"Always think I have cancer So I remember it started in high school where I started having a bump grow on a specific spot on my head and I never had any real fear before this time. I remember sitting in my class googling bump in that location and it said swollen lymph node which could be a sign of cancer. At first I was like ok no it’s probably just a pimple but then two weeks after that I got another one on my head where another lymph node was supposed to be located. I was terrified and I thought this was it. I went to the doctors made them send me to specialists the whole 9 yards and they kept telling me that’s not a lymph node but I was convinced they had no idea what they were talking about because I read so many articles on google. Turns out they were just cysts. + +Since then that has sparked my fear of always thinking I had cancer. That was 3 years ago and since then I have been convinced I had bone cancer, brain cancer and now stomach cancer. + +I have been a heavy weed smoker for a while and I started to get a tightness and cramping pains in my stomach I associated with the weed. So I quit and 2 days after quitting I got really bad runs, I was nauseas, and I threw up a couple times. I lost 15 pounds during this period which was a feeder into yep it’s cancer. The strange thing is when I stared getting better my symptoms only appeared in the morning. + +After this period I thought maybe it was just a sickness and not the weed so I smoked all day everyday again for another week but then started waking up nauseas so I quit again and again a couple days after quitting I got the runs. It’s been brutal and I have since gotten a lot better. Although my stomach still hasn’t gone back to normal I’m now terrified every morning because that’s usually when I go the bathroom and I freak out I have stomach cancer. I wouldn’t leave my doctor alone at the time and made her run so many tests and everything always came back fine. + +I just want to know how some people got over this irrational fear. I’m only 19 and on the cancer statistics website shows less than 1% of people who get this cancer are under 20 and most of them have a family history of it so my chances are very unlikely which I can understand but a part of me is still terrified. Thanks in advance! ",Anxiety +34087,"How do you know when it's real or just anxiety? I have a problem where I want to get checked by doctors a lot, even when they say I'm fine, I try to insist they run more tests. I've heard of people who will often have stories like ""My cancer wasn't discovered at first by the doctors, but I had a gut feeling and insisted more tests, and then my cancer was found!"" So, I'm not sure when to give up and accept it's my healthy anxiety or if I should trust my gut and ask for more tests and exams. My doctors said I am too young for breast cancer (22) but it's still possible, right? I don't know when to give up or if I should look into it more. What do you guys do? How can you tell if it's real or not?",Anxiety +34088,"Need Support ASAP for rabies fear!! So on January 4th (almost 2 weeks ago) I pet, and gently moved, a friendly cat out of the road by a local restaurant. He let me pick him up under one arm in my fluffy winter coat without too much resistance or fighting back, but darted off a little peturbed once I moved him. He may have lightly dug his claws in for balance and surprise at being moved- but as a germaphobe who is very afraid of cat scratch fever, I feel I would've noticed excessive claws making it through my winter layers. + +I went about my night (my birthday night) without much else of a thought for the cat. The next morning I did discover a fair amount of dried bleeding and cut/scraped area on my elbow that I'm still not sure how it came to be. But again, I patched it up and went about my days. Its since healed fine. I wasn't intoxicated, but I had been out dancing late and thought maybe I bumped it at some point. + +Fast forward to today, January 17th, and the talk of rabies comes up. Suddenly I remember the cat and mysterious scratch. Surely I would've known if the cat did It? He was friendly, docile, and clean. I figured he belonged to some one living in the city located nearby to the place we were eating at since he was chubby and had a soft clean coat. But now I'm freaked out! Should I talk to my Dr about getting a rabies shot now?! Its been 2 weeks on Saturday. + +**I fully intend to call my Dr in the morning and have spoken to the nurse hotline. I just know they also kind of have to give me the ""just in case"" response and would like some more candid input** +. + +",Anxiety +34089,"I'd been told it was just anxiety for two years, and now I've been diagnosed with a tumor I developed Panic Disorder when I was in college, shortly after the Virginia Tech Massacre. I was a freshman at Virginia Tech when it happened, and my sophomore year, I started to have deep-seeded health anxiety (fear of death, mostly.) I'd suffered through many family deaths before, and psychologists had told me I had PTSD with fear of dying. I DO have health anxiety, and I border on hypochondria. + +HOWEVER! + +When you already have a PD diagnosis, or a hypochondria diagnosis, I find that doctors don't take you seriously. I completely understand why they wouldn't: it's tiresome for them when you come in and tell them you're having a heart attack when you're really suffering from GERD. When I first saw a doctor and told her that it felt like I'd broken my rib three times in one year, she sent me to a psychiatrist. The next doctor told me I needed to up my Prozac. Finally, a CT scan showed I have a severe Fibrous Dysplasia tumor in my 10th rib which is growing into my liver, kidney, and diaphragm. I'm scheduled for surgery on March 5th. + +It's hard to know when it's your health anxiety and when it's your health, and GOOD LORD it's tiring for us anxious people to convince doctors that we're having a real problem. I honestly still don't know how to tell the difference, but I'm here to say, SOMETIMES, your gut is right. + +Anyone else have trouble with doctors writing them off because of their Anxiety or Hypochondria?",Anxiety +34090,"Flu Fear! Oh boy. It's DEFINITELY that time of the year. The time of year to search all over the internet for articles on flu statistics and reading through the sad cases of people who were killed by it, and subsequently, sending yourself into a spiral of anxiety when you remember the fact that you did not get your flu shot this year. + +I've never gotten the flu. I haven't gotten the shot in a few years too, I believe. My doctor asked me if I wanted it a few months ago, but I foolishly said no at the time because I was in a rush to leave. Boy, do I regret it now. +I go back to college in about 2 weeks, and I am stressed. I suppose it's not too late to go get it, but that doesn't quell my anxiety over the fact it's only 10% effective anyway. Jeez. + +TLDR; I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those rare cases of someone dying of the flu. I need to stop reading. +I'm hoping for some solidarity here. Does anyone else have this fear, especially considering this season is supposedly very bad? + +",Anxiety +34091,"Hip still swollen 4 months after fall, anxiety about it hangs over me. About months ago I fell and landed on my hip. I stayed down for a minute or two only because I didn't think it would be a good idea to get up immediately, but then I got up and was fine. It was sore that night, but that was about it. The swelling started that night, too. Maybe a week and a half later, I went to the doctor about it. He didn't do any x-rays, but he felt around and tested my range of motion. My range of motion was fine and I didn't have any pain, and he said everything felt like normal swelling. He said it looked like the normal response to a fall, and that swelling can take 5 weeks to heal I think. So here I am, 17 weeks later, and my hip is still swollen. There was a moment where it hurt for a bit about 2 months ago, but that was only for a week or two. + +The anxiety about it hangs over me. It's always there as something that actually shouldn't be happening, something that to me is not easily explainable.",Anxiety +34092,"Health anxiety due to unexplainable scars on face skin In late 2016 I went throught a very bad episode of depression and health anxiety which lasted a couple of months. Managed to tell myself that everything is alright and ignored all kind of twitches/pains that were temporary that use to bring anxious people like me a lot of bad thoughts. + + + +Since around summer 2017 I started noticing small scars and little holes appearing on my face skin for no apparent reason. I have no acnee or other skin condition, I always had clear and clean skin. + + + +I went to a specialist and he couldnt put a diagnose, tested me for some anti-immune stuff which came out fine. + + + +I'm trying to ignore it but every few days a new hole appears and its destroying my face a bit at a time. I think I will soon succumb to the thoughts and lose it again in front of health anxiety. + + + +How do you people put up with apparently minor issues that bug you for long periods without knowing why it happens? Do you just go on about your life?",Anxiety +34093,"Marfan Syndrome and Ibuprofen Why is it not recommended for people with that diagnosis to take ibuprofen? + +I did a google search but it only directed me to blogs... +",Anxiety +34094,"Chest Pain Hello, I have been experiencing this random chest pain on the left and it has been very concerning for me. It started back in June 2017~ random pain that comes and goes and only last for like a few seconds or so. It happens sometimes near center of my chest to the left or upper left near shoulder. It also disappeared and stopped after a few months then came back again in October and disappeared again and came back again. I've been to the doctor and he said my heart beat was fine, blood pressure was fine, blood test turned out normal mostly just need a bit of exercise to lower fat. Doctor said it probably is muscle spasms but does it happen this often? It's getting really annoying and causes me to freak out sometimes.",Anxiety +34095,"Just looking for some advice. First, a little backstory (sorry if a bit long). + +Up until last year I was an extremely sedentary 28yo weighing around 265 lbs. I started a new job that is fairly physical and since then I have dropped down to 230ish. Well last week I was laying down and felt something I never felt before in my chest. I went to the doctor and he said it was almost certainly my xiphoid process. I also mentioned I had a general cough (I us an e-cigarette), as well as a periodical tingle under my right shoulder-blade. Other than those three things I felt completely normal. + +My doctor said everything felt normal, my blood pressure was normal, as was my pulse and he checked me out with a stethoscope. In the end he ordered an x-ray to be certain. From that appointment up until I got my results I started stressing out (tight chest, sweating, vomiting, trouble sleeping, just overall freaking out about what that x-ray might show). Low and behold I got my result and everything came back looking completely normal. Although that is great news I haven't been able to ditch the tight chest, trouble sleeping with bad thoughts, and general feeling of just being uncomfortable. I also wear a fitbit to work and constantly find myself checking my heart rate (between 59 when I sleep and 120ish when i'm up working). + +Sorry for the wall of text, I am just hoping someone here could give me some tips on managing this stress. I have a yearly physical next month that can't get here soon enough. + +Thank you.",Anxiety +34096,"terrified of the flu! 2018 flu deaths have me panicking All of the news lately shows someone new dying from the flu this year... I didn't get a flu shot. I'm in the Midwest, and the only deaths reported thus far have been the elderly around here but in California and other places people my age (mid-twenties) are dying left and right! + +how concerning is this? are these fluke accidents or do I need to be worried? what can I do to prevent the flu??? :(",Anxiety +34097,"just wanted to vent been having a stuffy nose and slight cough these past couple of days, and just a couple hours ago I've been feeling weird with a headache and fatigue. I'm scared I'm going to get sick and throw up later, and I was searching my symptoms up and diabetes is a possible condition, which is something I've thought I had before. To make matters worse, I ate some ice cream and nutella today (when i say some i mean a lot lol rip). I'm also afraid I have heart disease or something because I have a sedentary lifestyle. I've been walking everyday for 30 minutes for the past couple of weeks, but today I skipped because I wasn't feelin it. Just wanted to vent.",Anxiety +34098,"Brown line under fingernail Okay so I have been freaking myself out here lately. I have this light brown line on my fingernail that showed up in August. Along with that, I got these horizontal bumps that keep growing with my nail. I buff them out but they come back. I didn’t think anything of it until recently when I noticed it wasn’t going away. +I’m scared I have subungual melanoma. +Btw, I’m a 20 year old female. Also, I don’t remember injuring my nail at all.. +I don’t have health insurance and I’m a broke college student working a part time job so I don’t exactly have the funds to see a doctor. +I just need some reassurance or would like to hear from others who have had similar issues. ",Anxiety +34099,"How easy is it to catch the flu? My dad has it and i've been trying to avoid him (ended up using the same toothpaste he did so i'm already freaking out). I have a relatively strong immune system but i'm still very paranoid because I know it's contagious. Any other tips besides drinking a lot of water, which i've been doing all day. ",Anxiety +34100,"Little black lump on my leg So a few hours ago I noticed a little stone like lump on my leg, it is located on right side of my knee, and i don't know what it is. I can't push it out and It my whole leg was in some pain after I tried. If anyone know what it could be please tell me",Anxiety +34101,Anxiety about flu epidemic killing many people I have got bad health anxiety now I'm afraid I might catch this flu and die! What can I do to prevent this?? I know many people that have got the flu.,Anxiety +34102,Lump in my throat So ive been having this lump in my throat feeling lately. Its very intense and never goes away. I also got dry mouth. Im teriffied im gonna choke and die. Please what should i do. I was getting much better and now i feel like this is all comming back. Help,Anxiety +34103,"I am avoidant I have been having muscle spasms and back pain for a little under a year. I have massive anxiety about doctors and phone calls and the health care in my region is not very good. I have been putting off going to the doc for a while and I have developed a rib hump on one side and rib torsion on the other. I have scoliosis; I know I do. But going to the doctor and having them tell me I need surgery, or won't get better scares me too much to handle. + +I don't really know why I am posting this. I guess it is nice to get off my chest. Some days it makes me very sad. The fact that I am a hypochondriac makes it scarier that something really is wrong with me. I'm always in pain by the end of the day. I wish I was healthy more than anything. I wish I could carry things and wear push up bras and sleep in car seats comfortably. But I can't. ",Anxiety +34104,"Health anxiety vent :( My massive fear is getting pregnant. Every twinge I have, no matter what, is pregnancy. This all started from an increase in anxiety levels after (ironically) staring the birth control pill. + +It’s been going on for months. No amount of doctors visits, home tests, visits to a sexual health nurse, not even having penetrative sex, or even a blood test has managed to completely calm me down. If it does it only lasts for a few hours. All I think is of women I read about on the internet who have been 8 months pregnant without any tests and still getting periods, or if I’m ectopic (my Mum nearly died from one of those). + +I’ve had nexplanon put in my arm, but the stories online of women getting pregnant somehow overrule the data that says it’s 99.9% effective/my nurse saying she wouldn’t even do a test on me if I came in with nexplanon claiming to be pregnant. + +I’ve just started CBT and I’m on anti-depressants (citalopram, which I don’t think is working after 5 weeks on 10mg). I’m just terrified that I’ll never get better, and I’ll have to leave my university and my boyfriend and friends in London and move home to my parents again (who I adore, but I never wanted to stay at home for uni. That would be a massive defeat for me). + +Just needed to vent because I’m fkin terrified right now and all I can thing about is the pain I’m getting in my stomach, and if it’s a baby kicking me. +",Anxiety +34105,"Stomach just WON'T stop acting up, on fire, etc. Would an MRI detect anything serious? I was sent to the hospital because my stomach was giving me immense trouble. They performed a colored MRI on me, but I'm still worried because I don't fully understand what it's supposed to detect. If they were looking for like some sort of bowel thing, would they have missed something like colon cancer or something serious? Does an MRI even detect stuff like that? They sent it to an outsourced radiology firm because they didn't have a radiologist on-site at night. + +The problem is my stomach still will NOT stop. It's acting up immensely. I've gotten over a lot of my health anxiety, to the point where I've been off meds but I had to take a pill today to relax. My family does think something's wrong as I'm always fatigued, pale, nauseous etc. I'm getting a full blood work panel done soon because my iron was extremely low some time ago so they wanna check again, also because diabetes runs in my family like crazy. + +Couple with an MRI and a full blood work panel this Wednesday, what are the chances of them missing something? + +Thanks!<3",Anxiety +34106,"Paranoia and Anxiety about that Brain Eating Amoeba Hi everyone. I'm pretty new to this sub, but I really need to vent. + + I was diagnosed with Illness Anxiety Disorder two years ago and I generally have a pretty good hold of it. Yesterday, I was showering and a drop or two or water got into one nostril in my nose. I could feel it chilling in my nose hair and I immediately used my towel to wipe it out and then I blew my nose when I got out of the shower. However, I live in Florida, and I'm really paranoid that the brain eating amoeba is lurking in the water. This was water from the shower head in my dorm and it has been colder lately, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I'm terrified; I'm even tearing up with fear writing this. My birthday is next week and I want to be okay for that and for everything. My mom said I'm worrying needlessly and she's probably right but I can't shake the anxiety. + +Edit to add: It doesn't help that symptoms apparently don't develop for 1-9 days after infection, so I'm going to be sitting in my anxiety for days.",Anxiety +34107,"Deep scratch from unvaccinated cat Hey, so last night I got a deep scratch from a cat on my thumb. It was bleeding quite a bit until I cleaned it up and bandaged it. + +The cat was born to a stray mother at my friend's parents store and was adopted by my friend as a kitten. It hasn't been vaccinated and is about 6 months-1 year old. My friend and his family have been scratched quite a bit by the cat as well (but not as of late). It's a house cat and rarely ever leaves the house. + +I keep looking up various diseases I could be exposed too (cat scratch disease, rabies, etc). The wound itself looks fine thankfully (been over 12hrs). Should I be worried about anything? Any symptoms I should look out for? I want to ease my mind and stop worrying but I can't seem to.. + + +",Anxiety +34108,"Can anyone describe what the symptom of back pain from cancer feels like? I read a lot that back pain is a symptom of cancer, However, I can't find a description of what that back pain feels like. I can't even find a description that says ""there is no commonality to back pain from cancer."" So it leaves me in the dark. + +Is there anything that describes what the pain feels like? Does it not stop, even if you lie still? Does it stay in one location or does it move around? Can it be light pain, or is it always a severe pain? I would love to know if there's anything common to this pain or if any back pain, ie. small, large, constant, only when moving, reproducible, non-reproducible, etc are all symptoms of cancer?",Anxiety +34109,"Panic over Collapsed lung (Pneumothrax) So I had some chest and back pain on the left side when breathing in deeply for a couple of minutes. Of course cue the googling - must be a collapsed lung. + +Apparently it can happen for no real reason and its most common in tall/skinny people in early 20's. And that is literally me. + +I dont have any pain now anymore but im scared it will happen again. Anyone got any experience on this? Should i go see a doc?",Anxiety +34110,"How to convince yourself that you are healthy? Over the course of 5 years, I have had 3 EKG done, 3 blood checks, 1 xray of my chest and lungs, 1 echo of my heart, a stress test and a 24h monitor of my heart. +Everything is fine. I'm fit. + +Why can't I convince myself of these things when I feel sensations? Why do I keep suspecting my chest pains and palpitations to be a more serious heart problem? I read books about anxiety, follow therapy but all that rational help just disappears instantly in the face of a panic attack. + +How do you guys deal with it? Please comment your ways or experiences, I am truely lost and slipping further down here.",Anxiety +34111,"Can a expired weight gain powder cause insomnia? I started working out in gym 1,5 month ago and recently one of my relatives gave me an EXPIRED weight gain power because I’m very slim and it would obviously help me a lot normally. + +But recently, I can’t really sleep, I’m always extremely tired but I just stay awake and can’t sleep. + +My powder: https://m.scitecnutrition.com/en/products/scitec_nutrition/muscle_and_weight_gainer_shakes/jumbo",Anxiety +34112,"Help I was doing so well with my fears of colon cancer over the Christmas period. My symptoms were minimal, and I finally truly believed I didn’t have it. But now, im scared I won’t see another Christmas again. I’ve been having slight feelings of being sick, thin stools, stomach ache, and a sore anus on and off. I don’t think I’ve had blood but sometimes stools are darker than others. And I feel a pain slightly in my left side when I put pressure on it and I’m convinced I have a lump there when no one else can feel anything. I’m only 15 so I’m told chances aren’t very likely. But my grandma had it at around 60, so that’s what worries me. Around 2/3 weeks before I started worrying I had blood and urine tests due to another worry, and I was completely clear of anything. But maybe that was too early to detect anything. I’ve been in this state for like 6 months now. And it’s tearing my life apart, not knowing whether or not I’m gonna be here in a few months",Anxiety +34113,Afraid of dying due to flu (pregnant) Hello!! First time poster here. I'm 25 and pregnant with my first child. I started having flu symptoms on Thursday and they cleared up yesterday for the most part. All I have left is a cough and some dizziness. I'm so afraid something will happen to me where I'll die or something because of how deadly this flu is supposed to be. :( am I being silly and am I going to be ok since my fever is gone and I feel mostly better or is there still a chance something weird could happen?? Thank you :0),Anxiety +34114,"Help I’m 17 and since last year i’ve been so worried about my health that I can’t stop googling symptoms, It started last year when I had something wrong with my eyes that turned out to be blepharitis, that sort of triggered it now At least 5 times a week I google my symptoms which makes me worry even more, I also have a bad posture which causes neck pain and light tension headaches like everyday that isn’t so bad, but its like google just finds the worst thing possible and tells you that you have it, does anyone else have this and is there anything that can help? I literally can’t even live like this thinking I have something wrong, its always on my mind.",Anxiety +34115,"I definitely need this group! It's almost debilitating... I find bulging veins and I think they are blood clots, I feel a lump and automatically think it's cancer, I have chest pain and think it's a heart attack, I have diarrhea and think it's bowl cancer, headache and it's a tumor... The list goes on! And on top of that, it creates insane panic attacks that make it all so much worse. My legs shake, my stomach hurts, I always feel pain wherever I assume there's something wrong, my vision gets blurry, I hyperventilate and feel faint... I don't know what to do! + +Even when I hear of something like water intoxication, I immediately start getting nervous that I drank too much water. When I hear sitting can cause blood clots, I immediately get extremely worried that I have been sitting too much... Even hearing about broken bones or something like that, I get anxious about doing anything! + +I'm glad I came across this. I was about to post in the Health forum about what to do about some of my issues. Haha. ",Anxiety +34116,"Constantly “checking” for signs of brain problem Hey, guys. So this is a little difficult to explain, so hopefully I can describe it as cohesively as possible. So, a couple months ago I developed a little obsession with misreading things. I misread a couple of words and immediately began to think “there is something wrong with my brain”. Well now, it’s manifested itself in just about everything. In a bizarre way to prove I do/don’t have a problem, I’ve begun subconsciously “checking” every thing I read and hear to see if I made a mistake. For instance, I’ll skim a headline really fast online, then get frustrated when I misread it (even though I didn’t carefully read it). Because I’m now “checking” every single word I read and hear, I’m constantly misreading, mishearing and misunderstanding things, because I’m focusing on each individual word and not the sentence as a whole. It’s mentally exhausting and is effecting my reasoning skills and memory, which of course, is fueling my health anxiety as it further “proves” I have something wrong with me. + +Of course, occupying my mind with this causes me to make many, many mistakes which- you guessed it- fuels it more. + +Has anyone else struggled with health anxiety pertaining to a brain problem? This really sucks. ",Anxiety +34117,"Oral cancer fears It's been at least weeks since I've noticed it, but who knows how long it's actually been there. I'm not even sure how to describe the location. It's not on the hard palate but kind of in between that and the hard part of the gums on the inner side of teeth. + +If you take your tongue and reach it as far back as you can even past the final molar on top, that's where it is.  + +Anyways, I felt with my tongue recently that there was a small lump. If I look in my mouth, there is no sore or anything. But I can feel it with my tongue and finger. I just touched it with my hand again and I believe it is movable as well but I'm not 100 percent on that. It doesn't currently hurt to the touch but weeks ago, it was tender when I would use my finger.  + +I can't get it looked at until February 5th, and my health anxiety was doing so well for about a year now, but now I'm freaking out and it's affecting my sleep amongst other things.",Anxiety +34118,"Kind of freaking out now ('heavy' arm, sweating. nausea) I'm 26 years old, male, overweight (5' 10"" 250lb), non-smoker, infrequent drinker, non drug user, sedentary lifestyler, and my doctor has been monitoring my triglycerides for several years (I'm a carb addict). + +For the last several days I've been feeling kind of off. I've had what I think feel like low blood sugar episodes; light-headedness, feeling faint, slight nausea/abdominal discomfort that got better after I had some candy. + +I've also had feelings of 'fuzziness' in my hands and feet that come and go throughout the last several days. Not pins and needles or even a 'static' feeling, just 'fuzzy'. + +Today, my left arm feels 'heavy'. That's the best way I can describe it. I seem to have normal strength in it and it's not numb anywhere, just 'heavy'. It's worth noting that I sleep on my sides (I switch sides several times throughout the night) and due to the way I position my arms, it's not uncommon for me to wake up with an arm asleep. Is it possible for a slept-on arm to retain an odd feeling for several hours after waking up? + +Today, I had my favorite meal, mom's spaghetti. Once I got myself a serving, though, I found that I was lacking appetite. I began to feel kind of nauseous and began sweating. Nausea and sweating combined with the heavy arm freaked me out badly for a while. I took some pepto-bismol and don't really feel nauseous anymore, I'm not sweating anymore, but my arm still feels weird. I was pretty close to deciding to go to the ER for a little bit there, but I don't know. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor for Monday. + +This sucks. I'm on Citalopram for anxiety that was discovered after I went to the ER with heart palptations, chest discomfort, and trouble breathing when I was 19. I'm kind of a hypochondriac. Why does it have to be my left arm that feels weird? I could probably ignore the right arm, but since all the heart attack literature focuses on the left arm, I'm freaking out. ",Anxiety +34119,"Heart fluttering So my doctor knows I have hypochondria, and he's a bit old fashioned, so he rarely goes out of his way to look for something that might be wrong with me. However, I've been having (among other things) severe heart palpitations a couple times a minute most of the time, and he simply dismissed it as ""probably nothing"". Should I be worried? This happens even when I'm not anxious in the slightest, and very regularly, and I figure heart conditions should be looked into",Anxiety +34120,"Tetanus Around 24 hours ago at midnight my friend's dog scratched my face (more like bumped his nail into the side of my nose), i think it did not bleed, couldnt exactly tell as it was a bit dark but when i used the front camera i couldnt see blood, my friends didnt notice any bleeding as well. I wasnt vaccinated for Tetanus and cant get a shot now because 8 hours passed. Do you reckon ill be fine?",Anxiety +34121,"Lung Cancer teenage What are the chances for a teenager to have lung cancer from smoking 4 years? + +I am worried a ton since I had this blood in phlegm twice (once in a snot), 4 days ago, small amount, which led me to think that I have lung cancer. +During that period I had a cough, fever, throat ache and irritation and runny nose. I do have sinus problems. + +Now, 4 days later, not smoking, I dont have a cough, fever, or anything listed above neither I noticed any blood anywhere anymore. I function normally, go outside, have more stamina, etc. + +",Anxiety +34122,"Seeing floaters when I walk into a dark room. Am I going blind? This is a new onset for me. As for everyone, it takes a few minutes to get used to being in a dark room, but lately I see floaters while my eyes adjust. Is this normal? I'm nearing my 30's so I don't know if this is just a normal part of me getting older or if I'm going blind. + +My dad lost his eyesight due to diabetes (I am not diabetic), so it makes me worry a little. My husband assures me this is normal. ",Anxiety +34123,Appendicitis? Since I woke up this morning I've had this strange pain on the right side of my stomach slightly below my belly button. I feel it more when I walk. I'm freaking out that it's my appendix but I also worked yesterday so maybe it's just me being sore from that. I'm mainly venting here so I don't work myself up into a panic. I guess I'll try to forget it for now and see how I feel in a few hours ,Anxiety +34124,"Lyme Disease / MS? Like many of us I am scared to have Lyme disease or MS. I've had a facial paralysis for about a month. For a period I convinced myself that I'm healthy and that it was only a bell's palsy, but lately I've been thinking it's Lyme because I'm always superexhausted when waking up and I'm tired after walking stairs, and have neurological symptoms like weakness on one side on left side of the body, also lyme can cause facial paralysis so I keep thinking about it. I've had a blood test and EMG that were fine (except something to do with allergies in my blood). Should I be worried? ",Anxiety +34125,"Nervous about pain in throat after eating garlic & venting Hi everybody, + +So I’ve been suffering from health anxiety for about 4 years now. It all started with a donkey biting my arm while on vacation. Since then, I’ve had the rabies shots twice. I go to my doctor many times a year. I’ve developed a chronic pain on my shoulder. And I pretty much freak out over every little symptom. + +Last night my mom called me to tell me she was coming down with a cold. I remembered that yesterday I borrowed her scarf and used it all day. Wanting to prevent a cold, I crushed a raw garlic clove and ate it. I’ve done this before many times and normally it just gives me a little acid reflux. I’ve noticed that raw garlic keeps me pretty healthy overall. However, this time, I developed a burning sensation in my throat about fives minutes after I ate it. It has now been burning me for about 6 hours. I woke up in the middle of the night and have not been able to go back to sleep. I had some milk and a banana and took ibuprofen to see if it would help the pain/burning sensation. Even my chest started hurting, which never usually happens to me. + +I’m embarrassed to go to the hospital for just a stupid raw garlic but my mind is going there and I’m already catastrophizing everything (ie I’ve burned a hole through my throat, this will somehow lead to death, etc). I’m hoping the symptoms go down within the next couple of hours, otherwise, the pain will get the better of me and I might actually go to the emergency room. + +In times like these I hate myself and how miserable I make life for myself. Why can’t I just get over these dumb fears? If I wasn’t so afraid all the time, I wouldn’t have eaten the garlic. My anxiety and negative thinking is probably making my pain and symptoms worse (I’m an expert at that). + +I’m just really tired of constantly being in pain for some reason or another. This sucks. :(",Anxiety +34126,"I'm convinced I have HIV. I've had a bit of HIV-phobia for a while now, and I realize now it was (mostly) unfounded. But this summer it got worse. I have no job right now and I wasn't going to school, so I spent most of the summer inside, to an unhealthy extent. When I did go out for long enough, I developed a rash that I think is PMLE, which is a mild allergy to sunlight, not fun but harmless. Then I saw that it can be a symptom of HIV infection. Granted, I've never had this reaction before. The page said it can develop around my age, and near-nonexistent sun exposure mixed with periods of high exposure can probably cause reactions like that, especially since it was a pretty brutal summer, but I'm still terrified. + +Around this time I also started to develop these purplish vein-like patterns on my legs, and that just made me panic even more because I couldn't just explain that away. I am overweight, and I think I gained some weight during the summer, so I thought of stretch marks, but aren't those usually white? They seem to be going away now but that's only a little comforting. + +I've never done drugs or even had sex. But I remember finding an unexplained cut on my finger a few years ago that I'm afraid might have been from a needle in the trash where I worked at the time. I don't remember exactly when that happened. I haven't been getting sick often or having issues with infections, but would I really notice those things if my immune system wasn't working properly? Isn't the immune system where most of the symptoms come from? + +I still haven't been going out as much as I probably should, and I realize that I probably have a severe vitamin D deficiency, so that might be causing some of this, but I don't know if it can explain everything. I keep checking my skin for any changes, fearing the worst. I'm really scared.",Anxiety +34127,"Really bad health anxiety at night Some background... I was diagnosed with OCD in the third grade, but was suspected of having it long before that. I have bad intrusive thoughts. I've been in and out of therapy for many years. + +Within the past few years my health anxiety has gotten bad again, like it was when I was a child. In late 2016, when I was 19, I went through a phase where I thought I was dying Every. Single. Night. I ended up having so many panic attacks and losing a lot of friends. I lost over 60 pounds in like 2-3 months. I got into a relationship on the tail end of this breakdown and am still with my partner. It helped a lot and continues to help. + +Now, like a year and a half later, it's not as bad as it was in that period, but the symptoms linger still. I haven't had a checkup since a little before the breakdown in 2016. I'll go to the doctor if I catch a cold or whatever but not for a checkup. + +Now....this is because I'm like, terrified that I'll find out that I have a terminal illness. Cancer, of any type, kidney failure, some kind of disease... whatever, it doesn't matter. Whenever I think about it I freak out and get nauseous and scared. When I'm laying in bed at night I will feel my boobs for lumps, and always convince myself something is there when it isn't, in different parts of my boobs. I've gotten to a point where I dont even like touching them. + +I know it would be better to just find out and get to fix it asap, but it scares me so bad I'm afraid it would just ruin my will to live. :( I'm not currently in therapy but I know i need to be. + +It's the worst at night when my boyfriend is asleep, but it's seeping over into my daily life. If my biology prof starts talking about cancer my thoughts just spiral out of control making me think I have it. It's gotten so bad that I actually have anxiety about the anxiety itself. :( + +I just need to know that I'm not alone. I would also appreciate any advices or exercises that help...",Anxiety +34128,"I’ve been doing a lot better of not googling symptoms when getting random pains However the past couple of minutes i had two random sharp pains that last a second at the most on the right side of my head near my eye and temple area. I REALLY want to google my symptoms to make sure I’m not having a stroke or aneurysm, as that’s exactly what i fear whenever i get these random spasms/pains. + +I’m trying to not think of the worst thing as nothing else is wrong with me. I got these in the past it’s just been a while. I REALLY want to google but i shouldnt right? If it was deadly well I’d probably already be dropped dead, not typing this coherently, etc etc. Trying to calm myself as to not go into a wave of anxiety.",Anxiety +34129,"thankful to have found this sub I just stumbled upon this sub and I came here to say I am so thankful that it exists. I have been suffering from health anxiety and death centered panic disorder since I was 7 years old. I was so young that I had absolutely no idea what panic attacks were and concluded that there was something medically wrong with me causing my symptoms. This is where my health anxiety began. I wasn't able to fully be a child as i spent 8+ years fearing for my life in silence thinking i was dying of this ailment or that ailment, i was too afraid to tell my parents. Since then, I am a 23 year old, going to therapy and taking medications and working out my issues. It is so relieving to see that there are other people out there like me dealing with the same issues and who understand. I wish you all peace and strength in your fight!",Anxiety +34130,"Should i just chill or go to the hospital? Hey, a 18 year old ""man"" who has had health anxiety for a year now. + +So during last week i started getting hot flashes, feeling very hot during certain parts of the day, hot red cheeks also. + +Yesterday i took my body temp and i have a bit fever, but today morning i didnt have at all, and again today when i checked my temp during the evening i had 37.2 C + +II dont have flu though, usually always when ive had fever i have had the flu! + +I feel i like should mention this also: i have anxiety like 3/4 of the days, really hard anxiety and health anxiety also, i always start worrying if i get some type of new feeling. + +What do you guys suggest me to do?",Anxiety +34131,"At what point am I washing my hands too much? So this just happened. I'm at work. I went to bathroom and washed my hands. I used a paper towel to open the door to my office. I started eating. My wife needed some credit card info, so I opened my wallet. Then I washed my hands again since I touched my wallet. Then I touched my phone. Then I touched my keyboard after touching my phone. Now everything is infected and I'm going to die.",Anxiety +34132,"Starting to hate coworkers It seems like everyone at my job comes to work sick. My one employee is out today with a stomach virus but I'm terrified she's going to come in tomorrow too. I have a concert to go to on Thursday that I bought tickets for MONTHS ago and I don't want to miss it. She rarely skips work because she literally can't afford to miss work, so I understand her need to come in, I just don't know how to avoid her enough to not get sick. The day after you're done throwing up is not enough to not be contagious and we work in the same room. I don't think I could justify calling off work for two days just to avoid her so I'm not sure what to do. Please help!",Anxiety +34133,"Am i going to die? So i drink two or three meal replacement shakes a day, four packages of top ramen and sometimes something else if my roommate makes it. I sleep from 8am to 1130am almost everyday. I work from 12 pm till 8:30 at my first job and 10pm to 7am my second job. I have Sundays off though... ",Anxiety +34134,"paranoid about testicles and now I'm freaking out So I'm totally serious here and I know it sounds like I'm trying to be funny but I'm not! A week ago I was lazy and didn't do laundry so I went commando for pretty much a week. Because of how ""loose"" it was down there I became more aware of my testicles and would reach down there more often. Anyways, because I was constantly reaching down there I became paranoid about my testicles. + +I should also note that I was a frequent fapper (like 3-4 times a day) and decided to stop that. So I would go nofap for 2 days and then have a go at it once the next day. Then again 2 days not and then on the 3rd day have a go at it. I started this 2 weeks ago and last week I felt a little ""pinch"" on my left testicle. It didn't hurt or anything it was just... uncomfortable but went away fairly quickly but that feeling only heightened my paranoia!! + +I haven't felt that feeling since but I keep thinking about it and now I keep imagining I do have that feeling again. I always constantly reach down there feeling them, and thinking omg one is bigger than the other! omg one feels softer than the other! I'm dying! + +I want to go to the doctor but I also have a fear of doctors! I can't sleep. I'm undereating. I sometimes cry at night. I was never like this and I hate it. + +Last year I was paranoid about my neck which took me a while to get over and now it's below the belt. I just want to live my life normally again. ",Anxiety +34135,"Just venting a bit... Hello guys. + +For the past month or so I’ve been dealing with daily stress from thinking I have something. It started out with weakness and fatigue and stomach and stool issues which I attributed to colorectal cancer. After multiple blood tests and ct scans that found nothing, I made the mistake of looking up my symptoms on doctor google and found als. Ever since (this was early Jan) I’ve been over analyzing every “symptom” I have and haven’t had real peace of mind. It’s taken a huge toll on me mentally and I plan to get help. I’m the last 3 weeks I’ve gone from having twitches all over to burning in my arms to twitching in my hand and now what looks like atrophy in my thenar muscles. I am scared and I just wanted to get it off my chest since my neuro referral won’t come for like another month. + +Things I have going for me: + +1: I am a 23 year old Hispanic male and statistically less probable to get the disease +2: my twitches are widespread, which is uncommon in als. Only recently have they been in my right hand more focused. +3: the “lack of strength” I originally felt isn’t there anymore, nor am I dropping things or have any strength loss that I can see +4: I have gotten back into the gym and can lift things comfortably and well. +5: no family history of neuro diseases +6: this has been going on for a month without affecting my life (other than mentally) + +Things I worry about: + +1: My right hand palm has some visible dents and lines that I feel have gotten more pronounced. This has not resulted in weakness but they seem to have gotten worse. I’ve googled a lot of pictures and compared to friends and family and I havent found any that look like mine. All I’ve found are clearly atrophied which at that point is completely obvious and don’t look like mine. Mine look as though I’m missing muscle strips and crevices. + +2: on the same right hand, the thenar muscles have begun twitching as of 5 days ago. My index finger especially will twitch and jump on its own. Also my right thumb/hand is less flexible than my left. + +Thanks for reading + + +",Anxiety +34136,"Anyone else suicidal but still have health anxiety? I frequently have random bouts of shortness of breath, dizziness, and abdominal/chest pains that freak me out quite a bit. I often google various symptoms for hours at a time (big mistake) and get even more worried. + +I’m confused though... Why do I get so freaked out if I don’t really care whether I live or die? I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD and have attempted suicide more than once. Despite this I still suffer from health anxiety. It’s very confusing and frustrating. + +I know it’s weirdly contradictory, but can anyone relate?",Anxiety +34137,"How does tourette syndrome work and what types of ticks are there? Hi reddit, someone approched me today, confiding that they have tourette syndrome. They're tick was that they wanted to hug my foot. Is this normal for tourette syndrome and how do ticks work?",Anxiety +34138,"Red eye inflamed and warm My mother refuses to bring me to the doctor because of our bad insurance it could be something small or big and I’m really anxious, I also have the flu right now if that is related in any way. + +EDIT: my eye is not sensitive to light, vision is the same, no puss feels weird when I close my eye, probably cause of the hotness on my eyelid?",Anxiety +34139,"Suspect hypocalcemia help Hey, stab in the dark of where to post this but really hoping for some help. I've been getting a few symptoms which line up with that of hypocalcemia, most prominently tingling numbness around my mouth, and it's understandable as I've avoided dairy for quite some time as it wreaks havoc on my skin. + +It's come on more over the past few months since I've been exercising (running and lifting)a lot more and I'm not able to relax it feels horrible. I'm just wondering if it is hypocalcemia then a calcium supplement should help? + +I'm not able to go to the doctors for blood work for just under a month because I'm at uni and I literally avoid dairy like it's the plague. Any help is appreciated.",Anxiety +34140,"I’m really tired So I literally just came back from the doctor because I was convinced something was stuck in my ear (I know.. don’t even get me started). Literally seconds after she confirmed that nothing was wrong, my thoughts went to a small mole I have under my toe, that my doctor checked about 6 months ago. She wasn’t concerned at all. But somehow I’ve managed to convince myself that somethings wrong with it. The only thing that’s convincing me, is that it’s not perfectly round and that it’s dark brown - which doesn’t mean much really. It hasn’t even changed. Does anybody else find themselves desperately clinging on to ‘symptoms’?. Right now it’s as if it feels wrong when I’m not worried. It just really sucks.",Anxiety +34141,Waking and feeling anxious because you think you might be anxious today? Anyone else over think and instead of thinking hey I might be anxiety free today you get anxious about the day and start feeling all the usual symptoms? This is triggering my cycle everyday at the moment and I'm getting stress migraines and fight or flight symptoms just because I'm anxious I might get those symptoms that day! Any tips?,Anxiety +34142,"Real and fake feelings. I been dealing with anxiety for a lot of years now and i'm better than before, but the thing that always freaks me out is the doubt if the pain i'm having fake and created by the anxiety or real. I always think in mind my that it's the first option because of experience but in my mind there's always the doubt. How do you resolve this problem ? because my current mindset isn't helping me. ",Anxiety +34143,"Finally figured out why my collarbones hurt when I walk! A few months ago, I started getting pain under my collarbones whenever I walked. Combined with my GERD symptoms, I thought I was beginning to have heart issues lol + +I started getting pinched nerves in the upper back/neck/shoulder/clavicle areas. So I've been seeing chiropractors and getting massages. Turns out my spine is fucked up, and I'm constantly getting muscle spasms because.... My boobs are too big :( Way better than a faulty heart, but not exactly the cheapest problem to fix. Hoping to get reduction surgery within the next 2 years ❤",Anxiety +34144,Sort of blurriness and hard to focus on screen after finals? Is this a symptom of stress? I feel very dizzy but only when I sit and think about it on the computer or something. ,Anxiety +34145,"Sore inside mouth that won't go away I have had a strong sore on the lower right part of my mouth/gums for 6 days now. I experience intense pain when I brush my teeth. I have been pretty good about health anxiety the past year, but now I'm starting to get nervous because the pain will not go away. I can't see anything different physically, but it really hurts a lot. I made the mistake of googling aaand now I'm paranoid I have mouth cancer or something. It doesnt help that I have a bad habit of chewing the skin inside my mouth. ",Anxiety +34146,"Ex-Smoker, Fear, and Excessive Research Hi everyone. + +As a health anxiety sufferer, I have an interesting story to share. + +A few years ago, I picked up a habit of smoking hookah. I smoked cigars for a bit as well, throughout the same period. + +I smoked hookah probably between 100 and 200 times in all. + +Once I left my masters program, a few years later I felt a pain in my back. This was my first bout with health anxiety. I couldn't figure out what was causing it, so Googling symptoms led me to lung cancer. + +I thought, ""I smoked, so it could be true."" Then I saw this awful number online: Hookah = 100 Cigarettes, according to various news organizations, citing the WHO. + +This terrified me. I smoked the equivalent of FIVE PACKS every time I smoked?! + +Of course, eventually I found out that lung cancer was not the case. It was a messed up nerve. Physical therapy and some posture fixes, and that particular back pain is more under control. (I also have chronic back pain, I believe as a result of anxiety and a lack of movement.) + +Fast forward a few years. + +At the beginning of this year, I started having a high level of health anxiety after visiting the dermatologist and having some moles removed. (They were dysplastic nevuses - he removed them, but honestly probably didn't even need to.) + +I started freaking out about melanoma, but when I realized I could relatively well see and manage that if it were to happen, as long as I stay vigilant about skin checks and doc checkups, melanoma is not a big threat. + +But then the lung cancer scare came back. + +I frantically tried to understand how much damage had I done. Pack years - how many do I have? 1? 5? 10? + +I've read probably 100 different studies, done a thousand google searches, to understand the connection between hookah smoking and lung cancer. + +Long story short, this led me down a path of compulsively studying. I also went back and reconstructed my year of smoking - down to the day-by-day level. I've requested transaction logs from my bank to see when I was in a particular place - when COULD I have smoked? + +Some of this was actually helpful. I narrowed down my smoking to a possible 215 days, many of which I likely didn't smoke anyway. So I shrunk that fear a bit by looking at the reality. + +Some of the other research I did was helpful, too - looking into the claim of 100-cigarette equivalence revealed that the number stated is referring to the volume of smoke, not necessarily the equivalence of hazard. I can't take a solid guess as to a better number, but the research I've read looks like much less than 100 for an average session. + +Lastly, a lot of this research was NOT helpful, as my interpretation of the research caused me to catastrophize it. + +My setup is a perfect example of what would drive a health anxiety sufferer insane: Reason to believe that something bad could happen (my short-lived smoking habit), ambiguity on the risk (very little research on hookah and its impact on your health), lots of scary media surrounding smoking, and finally my dodgy memory of how often and how much I smoked during that year. + +This is a perfect recipe for fear for a health anxiety sufferer. + +My wife and I had our first son last year. All of this fear has grown into a tragic story where my son loses his father at a young age because his father smoked hookah for a year. This all sounds silly from the outside, but completely plausible from the inside. + +I want to encourage health anxiety sufferers who have analytical brains like me: focus on what is in front of you today. There is nothing you can do to change what happened yesterday. Be aware, but don't ruminate. Look for actions you can take today to be healthy, not reasons why you aren't healthy. + +I'm learning that no matter what risk levels I have, there is nothing I can do to nail that down perfectly, and trying to nail it down keeps rumination and negative thoughts constantly in my head. The what-if questions stay present. The hyperfocusing on what my shortened life would look like - that pervades my mental state. + +Now, today, is the day where I look at what I have and say ""thank you"" for it. Look at my past, and accept it. Look at my risk, and accept it. Look at the future with belief and hope for the best, rather than constantly fearing the worst.",Anxiety +34147,snoring Which snoring rings are available in the market? How effective are they?,Anxiety +34148,When your a mess but someone still loves you Today I was texting my mom about my latest pains. My bf kept asking If i was okay and I kept saying fine. Eventually he was like your not fine I know your either looking up symptoms or texting your mom about symptoms. Lol and then and he made me watch a tv show so I would keep my mind off it.,Anxiety +34149,"Possible rabies exposure? We have a problem with animals getting into our trash, one of the wonderful perks of living so close to the woods. To make a long story short I fear that I somehow brought some wild animal saliva back onto a trashcan in my house, a trash can that I touched with an open cut on one of my fingers. + +This seems like i'm over reacting but i'm just so worried about the possibility of somehow having exposed myself to rabies. Manly because of how scary the despise is. Because by the time you know for sure that you have it, your dead. + +Do you think i'm overreacting?",Anxiety +34150,"scared I have P.O.T.S., are my heart rates abnormal? So at the moment I'm scared I have POTS, where your heart rate goes way high upon standing. I was laying on my bed, noted my heart rate is 66 - 72, then I tried standing up real fast. It went from that to 120!, then I waited a five minutes standing and it only went down to 108. + + +So I tried again, this time I sat down for 5 minutes, my heart rate was 78. Stood up and it went to 102, waited 10 minutes this time and it was about the same, maybe a little higher to 108. + + +And none of this is walking around or anything, didn't check that but no doubt it would be higher. + + +Is this a cause for concern? I'm seeing the doctor luckily tomorrow for a routine checkup",Anxiety +34151,"Question about bone cracks So I've been going to the gym weekly now and I've noticed this for the first time but my right shoulder seems to crack alot and I mean if I do those shoulder rolls it cracks, when I bench press my shoulders would crack really loud and sometimes there's pain inside my shoulder? I'm guessing where my shoulder bones connect to my arm, it doesn't really hurt on a regular basis in my life only when I do heavy lifting using my shoulder. The cracks are loud and my friends usually get surprised about how loud my shoulder can crack, I've been debating to try to reach out to a chiropractor friend of mine but just curious to see if anyone else has experienced this! Im also pretty skinny , below average weight if that could be a factor. Thanksny help",Anxiety +34152,"Ingested small amount of epoxy/resin from silverware I noticed after I had eaten that the knife I was using was split at the seam, and there were flakes of what looks like white dried epoxy or resin mixed with brown what I'm assuming to be rust stuff. I had already eaten a fair bit before I saw this, and unfortunately I am freaking out at the possibility that it's going to expand once it reacts with my stomach acids and need to be surgically removed. Not sure if I should call poison control, or if they'll make fun of me for worrying about it.",Anxiety +34153,"The worry of a pulomnary embolism is ruining my life!! Edit: Darn...I should have spellchecked my title. + +I'm a 21 year old college student with GAD. In october, I stood up after class and had a weird pain in my right calf. It went on everyday for over a month in total and I became convinced I had a blood clot. I went to the ER twice and got negative results on the blood clot tests. Still, I couldn't reconcicle this. I kept having random chest pains, shoulder pains, palpitations, etc. It might have just been anxiety idk. But the daily pain went away around late october. + +Just this past week, the exact pain started up again in the exact same spot. I am getting anxious and having the same chest symptoms. I really hope this is all just my anxiety but I don't know. It feels so real. My october doctors appts and ER visits cost SO much money. I want to go to the ER again but they thought I was crazy last time and I can't put my family in more debt. So I don't know what to do. But I truly feel like I am having a pulmonary embolism and dying. Anyone else have similar issues? I can't focus and I am terrified. ",Anxiety +34154,"What symptom did you have that you thought was a sign of something terrible, but just ended up going away? I have more than I can count. + +1) A headache (albeit mild) that lasted for a month. A MONTH. I mean, what else could that have been other than a brain tumor? Well, that was ten years ago. Headache went away and there's no brain tumor! + +2) A persistent twitching in my eyelid and facial cheek that I thought was a sign of some terrible neurological disease. It went away. Occasionally it comes back and then goes away again. + +3) Tingling in my hands and thighs for several months that I thought for sure was a sign of MS. It just kind of went away over time. (About 8 years ago). + +4) Noticing countless little red ""dots"" all over my body after reading that they were a sign of a type of Leukemia. Was convinced for 6 months that I had leukemia. I even started ""cataloging"" all instances of my red dots in a spreadsheet so I could keep track of which ones were new. + +There's a ton more, but what were your symptoms of imminent death that just kind of fizzled out?",Anxiety +34155,Is this common and can you relate ? Hi I recently read about something called Tinnitus on a subreddit and not too long ago I googled it and woke up the next morning listening to music and kinda amped up the volume and now I feel like I have tinnitus whenever I sit in silence I feel like I can hear a very low static sound. Is this because of my health anxiety ?,Anxiety +34156,"Kind of freaking out because of mild night sweats I’m a healthy 18 y/o male that probably has anxiety issues including health anxiety. I’ve never seen a doctor specifically for it because it has never really gotten in the way of my life, just occasionally my head. Anyway, I’ve been experiencing some mild night sweats the past couple days. I wake up an hour or two after going to sleep and my shirt is generally damp. It’s not enough sweating to change sheets or anything, but sometimes I have to remove my shirt. I’ve had on and off night sweats in the past that freaked me out, such as last winter when I almost convinced myself I had some type of cancer because, well, a quick search on google led me to Mayo Clinic and... I think you can get the rest (this might have been a good time to see a doctor about anxiety...). Also, I had some mild night sweats for a while last month, but after I returned home from college they miraculously stopped. Last night was particularly bad in that my shirt was definitely soaked when I woke up in the middle of the night, but I just took it off and after stressing over it for a couple minutes, got myself to go back to sleep, and woke up with no more sweat. I should emphasize that when I really wake up, like in the morning, I do not wake up sweating. Should I be concerned about this, given that I’ve had them occasionally before, probably when I was really stressed out with school, and that they’re pretty mild? I don’t want to ignore it if it could be a sign of something bad, but I want to stop freaking out about it, too. Again, these are not bed-drenching like google says is a problem. Oh and to make things even more annoying, I feel like I’m coming down with a cold or something... everyone in my school it seems is getting sick. So throw those symptoms together and you have an overly anxious kid. Thanks for any advice.",Anxiety +34157,Tattoo Hey everyone so. I have 3 small tattoos and im planning on getting my 4th here soon. Its a larger piece then the other ones and for some reason i have this fear of passing out. From being in the chair longer. My longest ive been tatted is about an hour. I dont pass out from needles or seeing blood. I sat through getting stitches in my thumb. I just need some tips that i can do to prevent from passing out and to not be worried,Anxiety +34158,"Appendix or IBS Lately my anxiety has been super high for multiple reasons. But I’ve also been experiencing some unpleasant physical symptoms that I’m not sure are related to anxiety or not. + +Every time after I eat, a little snack or big meal, I get horrible stomach pain (cramping) and I have to go to the bathroom. Then the rest of the day I have dull pain in my abdomen area. + +My previous doctor suggested I may have IBS but didn’t officially diagnose me. + +Could that explain all the pain/discomfort? + +I’m always worried it’s my appendix and that I’ll die, every little pain in that area worries me. +",Anxiety +34159,"Anxiety and dry mouth My boyfriend suffers from anxiety and depression. A year ago he completely lost his sense of taste and developed severe dry mouth. It has affected his appetite and mood. We have tried different medicines and also gone off of medicine to try and deal with this. Been to neurologist , ent doctor, GI doctor (he does have GERD) None of the professionals can say what caused this or when it will end. Has anyone else experienced this? ",Anxiety +34160,"I feel like my psychologist might be ready to refer me elsewhere I have OCD with a health anxiety emphasis. My worries have run the gamut but I mostly focus on the idea of skin cancer. I have been seeing a psychologist for CBT and while in the sessions everything he says sounds logical and makes perfect sense. However, the second I encounter a mole I feel looks suspicious I don't apply what I've learned in therapy and I do everything wrong. I start by googling my symptoms and then when that doesn't work, I go to my doctor to seek reassurance. This assuages my fears temporarily but sometimes its not enough until the doctor will agree to a biopsy. Then inevitably the cycle continues. + +My psychologist has been doing this therapy with me for months and I was doing so well until I tried testing myself and found a new mole. I was definitely not ready for it and this started a downward spiral where I feel like all the progress I made went by the wayside and I was back to how I was in the beginning. + +Today I had a session after my most recent urgent care & doctor visit. The tone was a lot different this time and I can tell he's frustrated with me because I am not using his advice. He kept saying, ""I am sorry that I haven't been able to get through to you to help you."" and has pointed out that I am not doing the work of not giving into my compulsions. He said that he didn't want to make me go through therapy if I wasn't motivated to do the work to get better. He's totally right. + + +The positive that came out of this is that I am reflecting on my lack of motivation to do what I know I need to do to get better. I feel like I can prove myself to him from this point forward but I don't know that he's willing to continue treating me. Hopefully this next appointment isn't him telling me its the last one. Anyway, thank you for reading!",Anxiety +34161,"My HIV hypochondria is acting up again 😐 Hey guys, +So I had been sleeping with this guy (Rob) on and off since 2016 and around August last year I started to get anxious about his status after stalking his exes facebook. I noticed she had cold sores on her lips and the last time I saw her in 2015 I saw her with cold sores. At first I thought it was normal because lots of people have and get cold sores but when I saw a recent picture of her on Facebook with the same if not worse cold sores. This concerned me because to my knowledge only people who are immuno compromised get recurring cold sores that often. +I had spoken to Rob about his status earlier and he assured me he was healthy and I chose to believe him but after speaking to one of my girl friends she was surprised at how quick I was to believe him. She said verbatim ""guys can lie and I don't trust these uni boys"" - keep in mind I live in Kenya where HIV is prevalent. This comment really freaked me out and I was sure he lied to me. +I started freaking out and going crazy because of the picture of his ex coupled with my friend's comments, I was sure I had contracted the virus. At this time I started sending him cryptic messages alluding to him infecting me but he didn't get which then forced me to plainly ask ""Are you HIV positive?"" He quickly replied ""No I'm not. I checked, you also checked"" and I went and got tested and my results returned negative (this wasn't a rapid test it was the one you wait two days for). +I felt so bad about accusing him and we stopped speaking. +Skip forward 3 months and we start fucking again. We met up and fucked 2 more times before I officially ended it for good. Now my mind is going back to thoughts that I'm HIV positive again. I keep thinking that maybe the first 6 times we met up and fucked the virus missed me and on the last 7th and 8th time the virus may have stuck. Is that possible? + +**TLDR** Had been hooking up with a guy since Dec 2016 and started getting anxious about his HIV status. Got tested in August 2017 and results came back negative. Started fucking him again in October 2017 and stopped in November. Is it possible that he is positive and the virus missed me the first 6 times we fucked and got me the last two times we did it? ",Anxiety +34162,"Finger pain/throbbing My forefinger keeps throbbing for about 3-4 seconds then stopping for 3-4 seconds then throbbing again for 3-4 seconds, this happens like 6 times for about 5 minutes then stops and starts again after a random amount of time, I can't really liken any of my activities to triggering it. It is moderately painful, doesn't feel like external pain (like a scratch or impact of some sort) and feels more like a ""shooting"" pain in the sense that it feels as though it is rushing up the first segment of my forefinger as it pains me. + +I am a little worried I have some sort of repetitive strain since I do spend a lot of time on the computer and playing on a Nintendo DS. Really my question is should I go to the doctor about this?",Anxiety +34163,"brain-eating amoeba??? long story, but i got a septum piercing, and it requires that i clean out my nose with soap and water. i've been using the tap for a couple of days to rinse my nose out, but i realized that i could pose a risk to amoebas in the water. i live in new york, and since it's january i know it's not very likely, but i'm still in a LOT of fear that i've sealed my doom. i'm positive that it hasn't gotten up my sinuses, but can it travel up my nose? ",Anxiety +34164,"Light-headedness A few days ago I did a pass out challenge. I know, it's incredibly stupid but after seeing almost all my friends perform it and describe it as pleasant I decided to try it. I experienced what I believe to be a euphoric high and then I regained consciousness. However, the lightheadedness from performing it never faded. Anyone got any ideas? +To help: +To perform it you need to hyperventilate for 30 seconds then hold your breath whilst someone pushes hard against your chest.",Anxiety +34165,"Is it normal to get screened for psychosis even though I dont have any symptoms of it??? Ok, let me explain what is going on. Hope some of you can relate to this. My anxiety is through the roof. + +Couple of years back I had stress-induced panic anxiety, with all the classic symptoms (rapid heartbeat, crazy tensions, panic attacks, fatique etc.). My doctor had a hard time telling me what was going on, and I kept coming to the worst conclusions -> this gave me some crazy health anxiety and the fear of dying. I came over this in a year, and haven't had any of this for 2 years straight. + +Now, 4 months ago I start to feel a little depressed, nothing major, I assumed it was due to the winter coming, messed up sleeping pattern and life just being a bit boring. This threw me right back into the health anxiety. Thoughts racing constantly about why I got depressed, what is happening to me, am I going crazy etc. I went to the doctor, saying that I felt off, a bit emotionally numb, and racing thoughts 24/7. I took a depression test there, but kinda showed nothing, so the doctor kept asking me questions about hallucinations and delusions, which I have had nothing of, never. I went back a couple of more times assuming something physical was wrong with me or atleast something crazy that messed with my cognitive abilities. Got the same questions again and again. + +So I slowly started thinking about the questions, what if I am gonna hallucinate, see stuff that isnt there etc. Now I am stuck here with some 24/7 dp/dr, constant hyperawareness and crazy anxiety about hallucinating or going psychotic or something. It's like my brain is in super defence mode, recognizing everything that changes in my surroundings, telling me to reality check everything so I am sure that I am not going crazy. I feel so off. + +I went to my doctor again and told her about the fear of going crazy or developing schizophrenia. And she sent me to a psyciatrist, with the reference of me being psychotic. When I read the reference I had a fullblown panic attack, I just froze. This made my anxiety 100x worse than before, thinking that I must be super crazy. + +Recently I went to the psyciatrist who asked me the same questions about delusions and halluciations, and I described again the same things. That I've never had them, never had any delusions. But I am starting to think whenever I see something, delusional thoughts pop up in my head, because of my obsession about the fear: ""what if I thought someone were actually following me"" etc.. all kinds of intruisive thoughts that I know for a fact that is no were near real, but just scary that that they pop up in my head all the damn time. I used some metaphors there at the interview and I think she might have gotten the totally wrong idea of what I told her. Because now I am being sent off to an interview about schizophrenia and psychosis, because she thinks I am that apparently, even though I don't have any symptoms at all. She even gave me a temporary diagnosis as a schizophrenic wtf. + +This is throwing me off, what the f is happening. Am I losing control, I can't believe this is happening. Is this normal to get screened for??? I feel so detatched right now, stuck in full blown overanalyzing mode of my surroundings, I can't relax. What if I am going schizophrenic or psycotic???? + +Sorry for my grammar my anxiety has never been worse.",Anxiety +34166,"Can 24/7 anxiety cause brain-Tumor like symptoms? 19Yo male here, I eat really healthy and exercise regularly everyday just to preface. + +I've always suffered from severe anxiety, particularly health anxiety, and depression(to less of an extent), I remember at 12 the fear of testicular cancer just plaguing my every thought for months because of a dull ache in my testes. + +Anyway, just before i started university for the first time a friend died of brain cancer, and all of my close friends' moms died of breast cancer when I was young, so I have a warped perception of how common it is, I guess. Aside from this my life has been filled with death, my father is terminally Ill, my mum was suicidal and almost died of blood poisoning, my grandma had vascular dementia and we cared for her at home until her death, more beyond this, grandparents, friends' parents, uncles and aunts. + +My anxiety since starting uni has worsened, I suffer an elevated heart rate and sweats 24/7, extreme worrying thoughts all the time, trembling hands, especially bad at night. + +I've not had any memory issues or coordination issues, it's literally just headaches, for the past few weeks I've been getting pain in very singular spots, never a full over generalised headache, it lasts for a few seconds to a minute and then disappears, and this happens a few times through the day. +The kicker is if I CAN remove myself from my anxiety it doesn't really happen, I was shopping all of yesterday with my girlfriend and didnt have any issues at all until we got into a quiet taxi, at which point my thoughts went rampant. + +I just feel like my anxiety is killing me, and it's really spearheaded into this fear of a tumor. I sleep awfully too because of my anxiety and grind my teeth severely, as well as holding my shoulders up and tight all the time. + +EVERY rational part of me says it's all a mental thing, but I cannot get that rational part of my brain to win over, I'm in constant states of terror and get these huge adrenaline rushes physically crashing over me daily. + +Should I see a doctor? Should I be hugely worried from the point of view of a Tumour? I've finally after years managed to bring myself to see a therapist, I start next week, I've just always felt myself as being a drama queen, but my life isn't even enjoyable anymore, I'm so sickly worried all the time. Thanks + +Edit; my mum also suffers from severe anxiety and depression, not sure if this has an impact, my dad is due for huge open heart surgery this year, could it be affecting my subconscious? Table death rate is quite high.",Anxiety +34167,"Never ending cold/flu I'm sooo tired of being sick! +Since december, my health dropped. I had a really stressful semester, and when it was done, I got sick. Like a cold. Then it was fine for like a week, and then another cold that felt more like a flu, but not quite it. A big big cold. And a week later, today, I have the flu, I think. I'm coughing like crazy, my lungs hurt and now fever. Crazy headache. +It's just like my body hates me! I don't know what to do except venting. It's really not nice, I feel like a pile of poo right now. It's never ending!",Anxiety +34168,"Numb upper lip Feels as if it had been injected with some kind of sedative and slowly waking up, except is hasn't! It also twitches slightly at times. Since I know the first symptom of a stroke is numbness around the face/lips area I am freaking out! And now the right hand side of my face feels numb too. + +Please somebody tell me they've had these symptoms and it was nothing?",Anxiety +34169,"Sharp headache everytime I move or cough Figured I could come here for enlightenment since I'm currently kind of on holiday. I'm 23, female, and about a month ago I contracted one of the worst flus I'd ever experienced in my life - in fact I'm pretty sure I've never gotten any kind of flu before this one, I'm almost never sick. + +I only fully recovered about a week or two ago, and I've noticed for the past few days a sharp pain on the top of my head everytime I cough or move/change elevation. I figured it may be because I've been sleeping a lot and not drinking enough water perhaps, but I don't know. I took a pain killer a few days ago for the same kind of headache but it didn't help. Naps make it go away but not fully, I can still feel some kind of pressure/light pain when coughing and moving. I'm also currently on my period, which started a few days ago. Not sure if there's any correlation. Is this normal after a flu and a somewhat consistent cough? I haven't really gotten out of the house much the last couple of days either. Maybe I should? + +One notable thing in my medical history (that I still have I believe) is iron deficiency. Not sure if that could also be a testament to whatever this is.",Anxiety +34170,"Wheezing / constricted airways after exercising in the cold I've been doing the Couch-to-5K running program for about a month. It's been in the 40s and 50s a lot lately when I go running. I'm able to complete my runs fine, but I notice after getting home that the deepest parts of my lungs feel tight or constricted. I can force a deep breath, but when I do I hear this wheezing like the airways are stretching back open. Usually after about 30 - 60 min or so it's back to normal. + +I tried wearing a neck gaiter after the first time and it got a lot better, but was still there. I went to the doctor and described all this and he listened to my lungs. He said my lungs sounded perfect. And that it's normal to have that wheezing after exercising in the cold, since your airways constrict and forcing them open creates a spasm that makes that wheezing sound. He also said as long as it's only that and not actual shortness of breath, then it's nothing to worry about and to continue running (preferably when it stops being cold). + +Anyway - just wondering if anyone else can relate to this or can offer any other support. It is an irrational thing at this point, since I've been to the doctor and described exactly what was going on to him. Knowing the way my anxiety works, I suspect the reasons I haven't dropped it are that he didn't hear it actually doing it (and to me it sounds strange) and that I secretly worry it's a small start to a bigger lung issue (I've had a couple relatives pass away after getting pulmonary fibrosis - which definitely is in my head when anything lung-related is going on). Any tips or other support would be fantastic! + +PS - I refuse to google it (or anything else for that matter) but if anyone has support for pulmonary fibrosis worries that would help too. I believe for my relatives that started with gradually dropping oxygen levels and some strange sounds the doctors could hear in their breathing. So nothing like what I'm describing here .. if only health anxiety used the rational side of the brain!",Anxiety +34171,"Things that trigger my health and anxietyf - Weird smells in my nose +- Small pieces of food that are in my mouth a while after I ate (I convince myself that they are pieces of organs that somehow broke off and ended up in my mouth) +- Bumps on my skin +- Burping that feels different +- floaters in my eyes +- Muscle Aches +- Clicking and other sounds that my body makes + +Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +34172,"Burning feeling in throat/cold sore For the past few days i’ve noticed I had a cold sore (white) in the back/top of my throat. Now just in the past few minutes i’ve started to feel a very strong burning sensation in my throat. Not sure if its related or not, but its really freaking me out. Could it be due to acid? ",Anxiety +34173,"Appreciate the trigger So we have this patch of yard that’s just covered in leafs and overgrowth. Me and the neighbor agree to clear the patch on his land and mine. He’s cutting and burning for 2 days before I get a chance to go help. I start clearing my land. Removing leafs, burning them, cutting down growth and burning mine. Day 2 a family friend comes to help and says oh my gosh have you been burning this poison ivy/sumacs?! I look confused because there’s nothing with leaf of 3 and so on. The friend goes on and on about how burning it can infect your lungs and it’s highly dangerous. Well me and the neighbor have been burning it for days now. + +So of course I’m googling symptoms of poisoning in the lungs from ivy/sumac. And I don’t know if I’m making up symptoms or my throat just hurts from the smoke in general. + +**Edit/Update** +Called dr on demand for video chat about what to watch for and so on. Breathing problems. Told me to take antihistamines and keep some handy. I did but anxiety is still peaking pretty hard ",Anxiety +34174,"Sick, need help! I am 16 years old, a little bit overweight, I dont know if I have type 2 diabetes or not since as soon as I got sick I felt symptoms. I cannot eat much as all I am going for is Jello. Is there any alternatives to eating, tips for getting better, etc. +",Anxiety +34175,"Hantavirus anxiety Hello folks. + +I am trying to ease some of my fear of hantavirus. I work in a place that does have a deer mice presence. Recently I went into a utility closet to grab a dolly. I noticed rodent droppings on the floor. I didn't mess with them at all but I did definitely breathe while I was in there. Does anyone have any understand of hantavirus on a deeper level? I know it is extremely rare and caused by kicking up dust that has been contaminated. But what are the odds that I get hantavirus assuming the mouse excrement in that closet was even infectious? + +I seem to be the only person at my work who has any real concern over it and it's driving me nuts. + +Thanks so much for any insight.",Anxiety +34176,"Anybody else feel this way? It scares me how there is just a ridiculously large amount of small things that you could do without knowing that you shouldnt, and a large amount of things that could happen to you and its like fuck the human body is just so fragile and I worry that my immense future potential is going to be FUCKED by something stupid like this. About every month something feels wrong with me and I freak out. Sometimes it is just something normal that I wasnt previously aware of, but now that I am aware of it I feel like something wrong + +My psychological speculation is that perhaps I was coddled to much when I was younger so now I just have a poor sense of safety. + +Anybody in the same boat?",Anxiety +34177,"Scared about temporal arteritis Adding to all the cancers and heart conditions I've been worried about, I just read about temporal arteritis and I'm worried about it too. I'm a 23 year old white male. For the past couple days I've had tenderness near my right temple only. There's no constant pain, but it hurts when I put mild to moderate pressure on a certain part of the bone behind/under the temple. I can feel a slight bump there but there's an essentially symmetrical one on the other side (with no tenderness with the same amount of pressure). I do have many other symptoms of temporal arteritis, including frequent headaches (although generally mild), tiredness in limbs, and general tiredness, but I've had all that for a long time and often can be traced to specific causes like poor sleeping habits and dehydration. I don't have any of the jaw pain or tiredness (any more so than I would normally get after chewing for a long time anyway), although sometimes my mouth does feel slightly stiff if I haven't opened it for a while. I do have a bad habit of clenching/grinding my teeth that I've had for most of my life, and I've had TMJ-associated pain before. I don't *think* I've had any vision loss, but sometimes I do find it harder to focus or I feel like I'm not seeing quite as well when I' tired so I can't say for sure. I don't have any other tender points on my scalp, just the right temple.",Anxiety +34178,Heartbeat in ears after mild exercise? Just noticed after running up the stairs that I could feel my pulse without touching my ears. It went away after I stopped for a bit but worried regardless. Is the sign of something serious?,Anxiety +34179,"I don't know where to post this, so 16 y/o male, sufferer of health anxiety and such + +For a very, very long time, I've had the habit of pacing around, whether it be riding in circles on a bike or just walking up and down. However, I strain my jaw when doing this, like opening it as wide as possible. I'm not sure why but it helps me visualise things better, and I'm worried that there's something wrong with me for doing so + +It's very hard to explain but I just get the urge to stand up and pace like that, so I'm just confused + + +Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this ",Anxiety +34180,"Want to go to hospital but have no insurance. Lately I’ve been feeling ill for the past 4 weeks constant headaches , poor balance , fatigue , weak , poor concentration, trouble breathing ..etc I feel like I’m very ill but I can’t go to doctor or hospital because it’s really expensive and at 21 I don’t have that $ to go , I feel like something really bad gonna happen to me since I feel faint . What should I do . I live in California also.",Anxiety +34181,Scared of getting flu It’s so prevalent right now and every day I read about someone dying from it. Especially young and otherwise healthy individuals. I also commute to work by subway and work in a 40+ floor office bldg. I keep thinking when I’m on the train that someone around me has it or that someone in the elevator has it. ,Anxiety +34182,"Rattle/wheezing in lungs, dry cough, and no other symptoms What could this be? For the past week I’ve had an almost constant rattle/wheeze when I breath. I have a non productive cough, and no other symptoms. I was expecting it to turn into a could, but it hasn’t. I don’t have a fever and I feel fine other than this annoying, persistent rattle and cough. I feel like the rattling gets worse in the evenings when I’m relaxing and when I try to sleep, but it could just be that I’m paying more attention to it then, as I’m not distracted by work. ",Anxiety +34183,"Is this health anxiety? Hi. + +To start off for the past few months, i've been fucking worrying about my mouth. *All started with a load of canker sores in my mouth.* + +I recently quit using chewing tobacco, and i have a feeling it stems from that. + +I always worry about my mouth, for example.. + +I check my mouth to make sure everything is okay. + +... + +Everything going go- + +OHGODWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?? + +*Insert hours of worrying and pacing* + +Another example, i was out in the garage and had an urge to check a mirror quick, noticed something on the roof of my mouth. + +*insert the hugest adrenaline rush ever once i noticed it.* + +I thought that was the end for me, i instantly messaged my mother at like 2 in the morning fucking shaking. + +Why is this happening? Even the littlest thing in my mouth worries me to no end, and i'm sick of it. I have this feeling there is something wrong with my mouth, but whenever i post pictures of the ""problem"" on dentistry i realized how stupid it was. + +Help?",Anxiety +34184,"Anxiety or genuine heart condition? For the past year or so I have had crippling health anxiety, with it all being related to my heart. The anxiety comes in waves and is usually when I am on my own and not keeping myself busy. The symptoms are so raw and debilitating that I sometimes genuinely think I have a undiagnosed heart condition. Common symptoms include the following: + +- Floating/sinking chest feeling + +- Sudden twinges and sharp pierces that go after 1/2 seconds + +- Increase in heart rate + +- Cold shivers + +- Restlessness (have to get up and walk around) + +- Panic attacks + +- Strange tingling an aching that is always on the left side of chest and resonates to left arm and shoulder blade + +- Dizziness/lightheadednesss + + +I have recently taken up running as a form of exercise three times a week to aid in the alleviation of these symptoms. More often than not, this gives miraculous results and I feel fantastic after every run. Occasionally however, the anxiety kicks in half way through the run and it is a real struggle to continue. Afterwards I have to sit down and try not to panic and think that my heart is going to give out on me. + +Is there anything I can do to combat this anxiety? I am planning to get a blood test and ECG done just to rule out any conditions. I am a 22 y/o male with no family history of heart conditions. I have lightly smoked on and off between the ages of 18-21 but quit around 4 months ago. Any help would be appreciated :)",Anxiety +34185,"Does anyone ever feel physically tired because of their HA? I mean like physically tired, drained, etc... + +I feel like a lot of times im looking for a reason I feel tired, despite nothing being wrong with me. I have Essential Tremor (or BFS, but I was technically diagnosed with ET). I worried about Parkinsons for awhile but it's pretty clear I don't have that or MS (Just slightly twitches every now and agan). + +However my main problem is my legs will feel slightly sore or ill feel tired and just run down, and I keep looking for reasons that may be....but maybe it's the OCD/Anxiety itself making me tired? + +Is that possible? I feel like my energy adjusts with my mood a LOT.",Anxiety +34186,"I lost my Dad two years ago and now my Health Anxiety is at its worst... I’ve always been a ""worrier"" my mum says, but in the 2 years since my Dad died suddenly from a heart attack i have had debilitating Health Anxiety. I’ve been on 2 different anti depressants/anti anxiety tablets and will feel perfect and then come off them after 6 months, feel really good for a while and stable for a few months and then in a matter of 5 mins of feeling something weird happening in my body I spiral into a deep anxious state and the panic attacks start again. This past week I’ve convinced myself I have a brain tumor, meningitis, deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, you name it. It is exhausting and I am just so over it. I miss my carefree, worry free life :( and my dad :( ",Anxiety +34187,"Should I be worried about my nose? Hey guys, so on Saturday evening my boyfriend accidentally head butted me right in the nose pretty hard. Leaving aside the dumbness of the situation, it hurt like a motherfucker and it even made a crickly noise when the impact ensued. My head hurt all night and the next day. + +Fortunately there was no bleeding, but it's tuesday and my nose still feels pretty uncomfortable. I'm way too aware of it too, so I constantly notice the pressure my glasses put on my nose and every time i rub my nose a little harder, it hurts :( + +Should I go to a doctor? Could something be broken in there even tho there was no bleeding? I'd like to know I can stop worrying about it if it's no big deal ",Anxiety +34188,"I looked into my DLP projector for a second. Will I go blind? I got this new fancy DLP projector and was as stupid as I possibly could be. I tried to see what was blocking the light and leaving a shadow on my wall. Of course I looked directly into the lens for a second and it left a first white dot that then became green and black. + +I could see it for ten minutes or so. And it’s pretty much gone but it feels like I’ve lost some center focus. + +Can this repair itself or have I permanent vision damage now ? + +I’ll go see a doctor tomorrow. Just wonder if anyone has tried something like that. A google search didn’t really yield any results which makes me think i might just be worrying too much. + +I’m writing this in the dark on my phone and there aren’t any noticeable visual artifacts but I have an issue with looking at faces on tv. It looks like there’s something blocking some of the information. + +What do you guys think?",Anxiety +34189,"I hate my OCD This is the third time this month I've accidentally got myself in a situation where I could get tetanus. My mom is an anti vaccine person so i don't have vaccines and i'm only 16 so I don't have one. This time around I got a splinter from the wood handle of an incense stick. It stabbed me pretty bad and got my finger. Fuck.... My neck and back have been stiff for the last days and it has me worried. Hopefully i don't die soon. I didn't sleep last night and been wanting to cry all day today. Hypocondria is torture, Thanks for reading had to vent.",Anxiety +34190,"I am a 30 year old female and just did a sperometer today They said i have the lung of a 76 year old. I have never smoked a day in my life and second hand smoke i tried to not be around. I am 5'4 and 200lbs but trying to drop more weight. They think i might also have hyperthyroidism. I am more worried that i might have something severe with breathing. Never had asthma. I try to exercise but i end up feeling like i am gonna pass out. +They were suppose to call me today but no word yet. I am just worried i am gonna die too young like my mom did....who had a myriad of health problems. + +Sorry for any errors I'm on mobile. ",Anxiety +34191,"Does anyone ever read something about cancer and get scared? So I’ve had like a larger swollen node on my neck like right by my jaw on the side for like 3 years this April, showed my doc longggg time ago. It hurts when I think about it or feel it. I have another smaller one on my head and the same spot in my neck on the left. I get really obsessive when it even gets a little bigger, like it is now because I’ve been having some throat normal winter stuff going on. I told my therapist a long time ago and they never got bigger I never had symptoms but they showed up years ago when I had a bad cold. Also, I think they’d show up from physicals that I’ve had over the years? Since I had blood work done etc. I just read some post where a girl had lymphoma that they didn’t even catch from a biopsy and my heart literally dropped it scared me that much. But she also had more nodes showing up. This stuff scares me so much and I can’t talk to friends about it because they just don’t understand. It’s been 3 years I think I’m fine, I mean swollen nodes seem really common actually. I just need someone to tell me I’m okay and reassure me cause hypochondria is a bitch ",Anxiety +34192,"DAE get anxiety from medication side effects like drowsiness? So latest health crisis was a fear that i had a kidney infection. my only symptom started last Wednesday with severe lower back pain and my whole back started to feel tense because well i don't know why. Its like i was being very careful not to strain the parts that hurt and as a result tensed up everything else. lower back was even spasming, and i thought for sure kidney. after that thought won, i started getting chills and teeth chattered (this happens when i am terrified during panic attacks too). so last thursday headed straight to my dr. they did not find an infection but saw a little bit of WBC in my urine so they loaded me with antibiotics, muscle relaxers, and a shot of toradol. and prednisone for inflammation. NO fever, nothing, just intense anxiety and lower back pain. I lift weights and mostly do glute work and increased weights last week plus i wear super high heels. anyway, the pain has lessened, but 1) i didn't take the prednisone but today i felt my back tight and painful again so I took HALF a muscle relaxer bc i don't like the out of control drowsiness that it causes. This is the first time ive ever taken one. but i looked up side effects. anyway i took the half at 2 and i feel so sleepy but like scared to sleep. my anxiety has been at a 7 every since i took it. I don't know why? maybe the lack of control, or the fear that ill have a bad reaction??",Anxiety +34193,Health Anxiety and Xanax My health anxiety involves fear of having a heart attack or stroke. Ive been to the Emergency Rooms more times that I can count thinking im dying. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Zoloft daily and Xanax (.5 mg) to take only in emergencies. Ive been taking the Zoloft for the past week and a half noticing no improvement but ive heard it takes a while for it to actually kick in. I still haven't taken any of the Xanax and it makes me anxious to think about the side effects and hearing stories of people getting addicted to it/dying from it. Anyone have any good experiences with it? I would hate for it to make my panic attacks worse. Ive been thinking about taking 1 pill just to know what its going to feel like when im actually having an emergency.,Anxiety +34194,Taking 4 year expired Fish Oil Hi. By mistake I took one capsule of expired fish oil that expired in sept 2014. I’ve done some research online and am now extremely terrified. What will I come to expect and when should I seek medical help?,Anxiety +34195,"Anyone here tried sulforaphane or broccoli sprouts for anxiety and/or general health? There's been some interesting studies about sulforaphane (naturally occurring chemical in broccoli family of plants) for it's ability to help those with anxiety and depression. Apparently it works by activating the body's NRF2 system. + +Anyone tried it? Did it help? What about as a general health food? + +This study was especially interesting: “Sulforaphane alleviated depressive symptoms & anxiety as well as prozac in animals” - https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0166432815303399 + +Some other studies listed here about mood/depression. Tons of other apparent benefits too. All medical/clinical sources linked: https://www.clearsprout.com/broccoli-sprouts-sulforaphane/",Anxiety +34196,"Getting a lot of trapped wind over the last few weeks My diet hasn't changed at all so I doubt it's intolerance. There isn't any blood in my stool and I have no issues in going to the toilet. + +Any ideas on what's going on? ",Anxiety +34197,Can I get the flu from this? I had the flu a month ago and never want to get it again. But I went to the RMV and took a vision test and had to put my whole face in the little box. All I can think is how many gross flu infested faces have touched it and I'm gonna get it again. I washed my face when I got home but I think it's too late.,Anxiety +34198,"Skin on back and arms feels like it's burning? Hello all. I'm new to the subreddit but I wanted to see if anyone could help put my mind at ease. For the last couple of months my mom's health has not been the best.To make things worse, I've been smoking weed and it's pretty much been giving me panic attacks everyday. I stopped smoking weed a couple days ago to see if it would help. Anyways, In the beginning of last week she was admitted to the hospital and, among other things, it really stressed me out. That Monday I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, hungry and cold. I was pacing back and forth and I started googling my symptoms (I know, bad idea) and I came across peripheral neuropathy. I googled the causes of that MS was one of the results and I started to freak out. I googled relentlessly for the next week because the burning on my back and arms has not stopped since and it's put all my senses on high alert. I also feel like cold electricity going up the back of my head I I'ven really anxious ever since and it's started to affect me. I went to the hospital and got a CT scan on my neck and they found nothing. I read online that one of the ways to diagnose MS was to do an MRI of the brain and spine to look for lesions so I'm not surprised that the CT scan came back clear. I haven't been back to the hospital but the symptoms just haven't stopped. Now I'm also getting twitches all over and my muscles feel weak but I think that's just the anxiety playing tricks on me. I went to the doctor this morning and explained to her all my symptoms. She did some basic strength tests and she told me that the burning skin can be a symptom of anxiety. I've also googled burning skin and anxiety can cause that but it still hasn't really made me feel better. I had some blood work done and she prescribed me muscle relaxers and an antidepressant and told me to come back in 3 weeks. Could all my symptoms really just be from anxiety? The burning also at times can feel like my skin is cold but when I touch it, it's not. I have noticed that my symptoms do go down a bit if I calm down a bit. Anyone else experience something similar? ",Anxiety +34199,Sperm in urine after bowel movements. For the past few times I've had a bowel movement. I've had sperm leak out. It doesn't hurt but its worrying. Is this normal or should see a doctor,Anxiety +34200,"One nostril starting to swell up This started yesterday morning. I had dreams of having a sinus infection and one nostril has been clogged ever since. It doesnt change from one side to the other like typical congestion. + +Ive used some oxymethoziline and zicam but the top part of my nostril is still clogged. It feels like somethings stuck in there. Ive used my neti pot 3-4 times since then but nothing comes out. No mucus, no pressure just a nagging swelling. + +Is this just a common cold coming on? Nasal Polyps? I really dont wanna go see an ENT because I just saw one 3-4 months ago for allergies and they said my sinuses were healthy. + +If I lift up my nose and look inside it seems like the top of my nostril is more swollen on one side then the other.",Anxiety +34201,"Struggling with fear of breast cancer after seeing multiple doctors. Feeling lost. Hello everyone! This sub has been a great source of comfort for me for quite some time now. I have never felt the need to post until today as the last month has been very hard on me and I'm hoping someone will have some ideas on how I can combat my extreme health anxiety. + +As a preface, I’m a 24 year old woman. + +About a month ago, I felt a giant white welt under my left breast. The next day, it was no longer raised completely, but there was a slight bump like a pimple or a bug bite, but there was no 'peak'. It was red in the area, about the size of a quarter. No pain, no itching. I don't think I would have noticed it if I hadn't felt it. I have always struggled with health anxiety but for the past 6 months it has been pretty dormant. Then I googled 'bug bite on breast' and everything spiraled from there. + +I stumbled upon Inflammatory Breast Cancer and am now convinced that I have it. I read multiple stories about how it is commonly misdiagnosed as a bug-bite (my doctor said it was a bug bite when I went in). This made my anxiety worse. So I saw another doctor at the family practice I go to. She wasn't sure what it was, it could be a pimple/skin irritation, and told me if it was still there in 2 weeks she would send me to a breast specialist. + +I made an appointment with a breast specialist on my own because I could not bear the wait. He looked at it and told me it is most likely just a skin irritation from my bra or a clogged pore that is taking a while to heal. Said if it didn't go away in another 2-3 weeks that he would send me for an ultrasound but he really didn’t think it was anything to worry about. + +Again, this was not enough for me. I made an appointment with my OBGYN and he looked at it and echoed the same sentiment the other doctors did. It is nothing, whatever it was is on its way to healing. But he would send me for an ultrasound to set my mind at ease. + +I got the ultrasound yesterday and they didn’t find anything. They said there is a chance it was a tiny cyst that is now almost gone that it is undetectable on the machine. This should have made me feel better but I read online that IBC is very hard to detect on ultrasounds. If it didn’t go away in two weeks, the radiologist told me I should see a dermatologist because it seems to be more of a skin issue. + +That day, I called to make an appointment with a derm because I know it takes time to get in to see them. Funnily enough, they had a cancellation that day and asked if I wanted to come in that afternoon. Of course, I said yes. + +When I was there, I explained my issues. The derm looked at it and again, said the same thing everyone else did. It’s most likely just a skin irritation and she gave me the option of waiting to see if it goes away on its own within 2-3 months or she could do a shave biopsy. I, of course, opted for the biopsy. + +Then I got home and did more research and found out IBC is usually only diagnosed through a punch biopsy. The biopsy I got at the derm will not be deep enough to diagnose that even if it is there. + +I cannot catch my breath and am struggling to function like a normal human being. It’s much more likely that the spot under my breast is just what everyone says it is; an irritation!!! IBC is SO rare, especially for someone my age, but it’s the deadliness of the disease that is haunting my every move. I am so terrified of death and of dying young and leaving behind everyone I love. + +I am on 10mg Buspar and have been for only a month now. The side effects are crippling me. I am only sleeping 3-4 hours a night, I’m having horrible nightmares, dizziness, headaches. I am not eating and have lost 15 pounds this month because of it. I cry hysterically almost every night. I obsessively check my boobs, whether that is starting at them in the mirror or prodding them or comparing them (the left one is bigger than the right, always has been – but my health anxiety makes me wonder if it really has always been this way). + +Every new spot I discover or mark or freckle sends me into extreme panic. I’m struggling to meet deadlines at work. I’m letting my house go to shit. + + + I just started therapy last week so I am hoping that eventually starts to kick in and help as well. + +I guess what I’m looking for is advice on how to calm my nerves. How to function like a normal human being. I’m so depressed. I’m missing out on so much. + +Any words of advice would be so appreciated. +",Anxiety +34202,"Fear of TIA To preface this I have a long history with hypochondria, I have for years and it was getting better but recently it's been worse. I haven't had the outbursts I used to have but I guess that's because I keep it to myself + +Basically after walking home today I sat down and watched my laptop on my bed as I usually do, and my mum called, but when speaking to her it felt like I couldn't get the right word out, constantly mixing up my words and such, and she was asking basic questions about the day + +Of course this lead to google and then the whole ""mini-stroke"" and it's just scary honestly. I didn't have any muscle weakness but I have a mild tension headache now (pretty sure it was brought on by the stress) + +I'm 16 if that helps. I know I'm making something out of probably nothing but that's just me ",Anxiety +34203,Convinced myself I have a peritonsillar abscess and will need surgery to remove tonsils because I won’t be able to get it drained. I have a sore throat. It’s only on one side. There a white line in my throat on that side and it feels swollen. I know I’m like 90% probably not this but it’s scaring the hell out of me. I hate being such a hypochondriac. ,Anxiety +34204,Parasites from Africa (Bilharzia) I've always had health anxiety and now I'm a little freaked out after it turns out I have tested positive for Bilharzia after swimming in Africa a few years ago. It says it can potentially damage bladder and genitals...my doctors don't seem to know much about it and aren't too worried. Are there tests that can see if there is any damage such as scarring to male genital tract? I know there are tests for the bladder but not sure if it is worth getting all this checked out now that the parasite is gone,Anxiety +34205,"Something getting an infection obsession?? I have multiple piercings, and every time I get a new one they become infected, I think, I have a very bad problem with picking at EVERYTHING including skin, hair, face, nails and especially piercings, I’m constantly obsessing over them and stress they’re coming with infection 24/7 +Then after I got my belly done. +I got an actual infection, the top hole is red and yellow/white oozes out if I press it, I’m so stressed and have been caring for it like it’s new, salt water and soaks ect. + +Tw self harm: + +I have been self harming for years but it has now gotten worse to the point I’m scarring and they can see fat in most cuts, because of my picking problem this has become so high stress as I don’t want to get an infection and I constantly have to check them to make sure they’re not going sour, I think my left leg has multiple that are going bad but I can’t trust my own judgement and I’m going crazy trying to inspect everything every second ",Anxiety +34206,"Had a gas leak at work Hey all, first time asker here. But we had a gas leak at my work today and they did nothing no opening of doors, windows, nothing. We just stayed on the floor and worked. I know I tend to be anxiety focused with my health but my head has felt light and borderline headache after about 2 hours of breathing it in, and my chest/lungs have felt funny. Its been 7 hours since my shift ended but its not really gone away. Is this something to be concerned about? + +I do not know what kind of gas it was, I'm currently at a factory to help a friend out.",Anxiety +34207,"Twitching in left temple? Just about an hour ago I got a persistent twitching in my left temple. It's sometimes so bad I can hear it! It's almost as if a nerve is bouncing under my skin. It feels like if I stretch my jaw a certain way it will stop, but no matter how hard I try my mouth can't open that far. Any ideas on what it may be? There's also some quivering in my lips and jaw occasionally.",Anxiety +34208,"Do I have cancer? Fluid in my lungs? I’ve had the flu for about a week and my breathing is bubbly and feels more like wheezing, is there fluid in my lungs? And does that mean I have lung cancer?",Anxiety +34209,Pain in front of neck? Thyroid? Cancer? I’m legitimately freaking out. I have no health insurance and won’t for a couple months and I woke up this morning and noticed it hurt to bend my neck upwards. And I pressed where your thyroid is. Where I would have an Adam’s apple if I were a guy and it hurt so bad. It’s extremely tender and sore and every position I can feel it. Almost like it’s tight. I can’t tell if there’s a lump or anything but the pain scares me. It really is sore and like a 6 on pain scale. Everything I’ve read is saying get it checked it out and could be cancerous. I don’t know what to do or what to think. Haven’t had a health scare in over a year and now I can’t even function. ,Anxiety +34210,"I have frequent UTIs and don't know if i have a fever, which could be indicative of a kidney infection Hey. I've taken my temperature in my armpit and it says I have a 100.1 after adding 1 degree like you do when taking armpit temperature. I have a temp of 98.7 with oral testing. Which one do I trust?",Anxiety +34211,"Worried about the Flu. Hey guys, I've always been extremely worried about my health and I always think that something is wrong with me. The flu going around is quite severe, and for two days now i've been feeling a bit run down. My cough has not worsened in two days, and I have not run a fever. My glands in my neck are swollen, though. I am so worried that I have the flu. +I never really worried about catching the flu, but since the strain this season seems to be killing many people, I am extremely worried. +Do my symptoms sound like flu symptoms? + +Thanks for your responses.",Anxiety +34212,"Terrified of PCOS For the past 7 months, the fear of developing PCOS has taken over me, despite have no symptoms. I’ve always had normal periods. They always come every 28 days and last for 5. Not only that but I’ve always been skinny, I haven’t had a bad acne breakout since I was 14, I don’t get any facial hair aside from a little on my upper lip and I don’t think it’s possible for me to have diabetes. + +But I gained 3 pounds this month. And my period started yesterday and then completely stopped. So now I’m convinced I have it and I can’t think about anything else. + +The last time PCOS fears struck me I had two panic attacks in a row and was a state of high stress for a while. My period ended up coming a week and a half early which just made the anxiety worse. Eventually everything went back to normal but for some reason I’m convinced that won’t happen this time. + +I know PCOS is not a death sentence but I have never worried so much about an illness :/",Anxiety +34213,"Could my house smelling weird give me brain damage? Me and my family have been on holidays for about five days and upon returning we found our house to just sort of... stink. Whilst we where gone my step father was living here and we don't know what he did but he's not the cleanest or healthiest of people. Could the smell in my house be putting me or my family in any sort of danger, particularly brain damage?",Anxiety +34214,"Might actually have a tumor! Hurray! Hard benign lump that came on with tinnitus/hearing loss, vision problems, tremors, restless legs. Didn’t think of the weird hard bump that had been growing on my mastoid. Only thing that has hard noticeable lump on that part of my head is osteoma. Mine looks exactly like all the pics I’ve seen and same symptoms. Seeing specialist tomorrow. :(",Anxiety +34215,"I need a little help. My first post and for some reason the first time opening up about my own internal struggle. Hey guys, I’ve been struggling with anxiety for the better part of 7 years. I’ve always been able to keep it under control but after having a near death experience in my teens, my anxious nature has been directed towards my health. For the past 9 months I’ve been experience various symptoms, consisting of brain fog, muscle twitches all over my body. sharp nerve pain that seems to come and go affecting everything from my legs, to my wrist and fingers. muscle buzzing (primarily in the feet, feels like a cell phone going off under my foot). This worry of ether a neurological disease or a serious infection such as Lyme seems to dominate most of my days. I constantly make the mistake of self diagnosing using discussion posts of users (on various sites) with similar issues and I realize it’s a recipe for unhappiness. This type of worry feels at times like an addiction that I simply cannot stop coming back to. + +I live an incredibly charmed life with an amazing family and incredible fiancé. And I realize I’m not hard done by in the traditional sense. + +But this anxiety surrounding my health is something I’m desperate to manage but more importantly be done with. + +Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, and THANK YOU so much for taking the time out of your day to read this. + +",Anxiety +34216,"Think Before You Post: why reassurance seeking might be feeding your health anxiety. Hey /r/healthanxiety, + +Just thought I'd make a post detailing my personal experience and knowledge about reassurance seeking and why it is self destructive. + +So, you're experiencing your symptom that you're increasingly more worried about. Whether that be chest pains, heart palpitations, stomach problems, poop problems, any of the hundreds of symptoms any of us could possibly be worried about. + +You're worried about if this is the time where your worrying is justified, or if it is actually a sign of the illness you're fearing. + +Maybe you've already been to the doctor to get checked out, but doubt their opinion. + +All of these have happened to me, and happen to many many other HA sufferers, which is completely okay. + +**However**, the way you deal with it is paramount to your recovery. + +Usually, what I would do, is post here, explaining my symptoms and what I was worried it was. Then I'd get some replies reassuring me and maybe feel better for a bit. Or I'd ask a close friend or family member and get the same results. + +All of this felt like what I had to do, a huge compulsion to do this just to know that I was fine. + +In the short term, yes, it made me feel better but this was only short lived. + +This might also account for medical tests, I've spoken to many people who have previously thought that getting that MRI or CT, colonoscopy or endoscopy, or whatever it might be, would make all their worries go away. Which, after the short term relief, the anxiety came back. This is so important to understand and grasp to begin recovering from health anxiety; I speak from experience. + +One of the biggest things in recovery is how you deal with these thoughts and need for reassurance. Possibly even the key to fixing your health anxiety. + +So, if you don't seek that reassurance, what's going to happen? For me, at first, it was unbareable anxiety, and just an extreme desire to check I was okay, whether that was through posting to the subreddit, the discord, asking family, checking my body for lumps, checking my lymph nodes etc. + +You'll most likely experience increased anxiety whilst not seeking the reassurance you want, which is completely okay. Rather than seeking reassurance, do something mindful, something genuinely healthy for the mind. As, when in a very high anxiety situation, sometimes it's the things that you do during that time that really define how your mental wellbeing will go in the future. + +You can do many things, for me, it was taking myself away from what I was doing and spending 10 minutes trying to immerse or distract myself within something else, not an easy task by any means, but something to try. After the 10 minutes was up I would come back to what I was doing and try to revert my thoughts away from my worry, which most times the anxiety had passed and I didn't need to seek further reassurance. + +You could possibly try meditation, though, if you don't regularly practice it, it'll be very difficult to do under high anxiety levels. + +You could try relaxing music, your favourite food, anything else that enhances your mood, whatever works for you. + +During this time, you will experience anxiety, potentially more during that time of not seeking the reassurance, but I promise you, in the long run it is going to do wonderful things compared to getting the reassurance and feeding the problem. + +When you seek reassurance, you're reinforcing the behaviours which keep your health anxiety alive unfortunately, because usually it feels like the right thing, and the only thing to do in that situation. But trust me, try not seeking it. + +It'll be very similar to [this graph](https://thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/anxiety-repeated-exposure-graph.png), the more you do it the easier it'll be. And it might get to the point where the anxiety almost completely goes after a while of practicing this. + +Seriously, it is worth definitely giving a go and thinking about this if you're currently having a lot of anxiety, I've been there hundreds of times, and applying this mentality was one of the key turning points into recovering from health anxiety. + + + + + + +",Anxiety +34217,"Health anxiety is a vicious circle. Not sure if anyone has this, but my health anxiety can fixate around my vision. Thus becoming a vicious circle of worrying about my vision, which makes it worse, which in turn I then worry about...so on and so forth. + +Been to the opticians on numerous occasions, yet it always seems to come back on random occasions... + +Fucking sucks.",Anxiety +34218,"180 on Health Concerns For a few months I had headaches several times a day and thought nothing of it. I mentioned it in passing to my husband who insisted I go to a doctor. Long story short, I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor. Very easy treatment and no major concerns with it. + +The twist is the medicine I take for it has a side effect of increasing anxiety. For me this has manifested into Health Anxieties and 99.9% of the time at night when I’m trying to sleep. I’ll feel a pain in my leg or think I have an elevated heart rate or, or, or, etc. + +I hate that I’ve gone 180 from being so passive to now fearful or obsessive. Has anyone else had a diagnosis trigger their anxiety? ",Anxiety +34219,"Loss of appetite for over a month I believe I got the flu right on Christmas Day, most likely caused by eating extremely spicy popcorn which I have been eating somewhat frequently prior. Went to the ER about 4 days after and got nothing but laughs from the doctor saying there's nothing wrong. Been eating nothing but rice porridge and shredded pork for over a week. I could hold food down but have completely lost the urge to eat since, would occasionally eat out to try and care for my hunger pangs that I think I was having. At first it was difficult to eat or even will myself to eat, got better, then got worse again. At this point, I could hardly eat and have to seriously think about whether or not I am hungry since it's seemingly impossible to tell when it was as easy as a stomach growl before then. 5-6 days ago, I think I got food poisoning, now I absolutely can't eat anything. Got the flu shot maybe 2 days prior and things only seemed to get worse then. Would often puke but wouldn't see food come back out, mostly what looked like saliva (had nothing but rice porridge after all). Went to the doctor's office and was prescribed Ranitidine, the medication may have cause this sense of looming nervousness but it's most likely just me since I've been fine with it every other time after about the second day of taking it or so. Decided that it was now necessary to force feed myself to jumpstart my appetite along with light walking (1-2 miles after each meal or so, I wasn't physically active at all prior, worse since I was bedridden during the flu). I fear that I'm overeating when I've been told to eat 5-6 small meals each day, I've also grown terribly impatient with my recovery seeing as how this has been going on for over a month. I would often feel incredibly miserable and every day I was plagued with anxiety until I decided to force feed myself, I don't care about getting fat anymore, I just want my appetite back, but now I'm starting to fear that I'm going about this the wrong way. The feelings of hopelessness and anxiety have hardly gotten better and while I don't suspect my loss of appetite is due to my anxiety, I can never be too sure. The whole reason why I even had anxiety in the first place was because of how sudden my loss of appetite was, and how I was unable to self diagnose myself since I felt no abdominal pain whatsoever, I'm at a loss as to what's going on with my body. ",Anxiety +34220,"Terrified of heart disease Ever since I learned that heart attacks are preceded by jaw and arm pain, I've been walking around in a state of constant paranoia. Because I have asthma, chest pain / tightness is something I like with daily, so throw these things together and you have a recipe for an anxious mess. + +Eating is a nightmare. Every time I eat something even mildly unhealthy (handful of salted peanuts, for example) I can *feel* the sodium and cholesterol in my chest, coursing through my veins around my heart. I know that I'm just being anxious, but damn if it doesn't wig me the hell out. + +I got an EKG last summer and multiple CT scans (*including one in December), none of which have indicated heart problems. My blood pressure's a little high, but other than that, I'm technically fine. + +I know that everyone else on this sub deals with this, but damn does it suck.",Anxiety +34221,"Psychiatrist wants me to get a blood test She says it could show the levels of medication in my blood and if it's effective, etc. And if I have a thyroid disorder or diabetes or vitamin deficiency or some other physical reason for my depression and anxiety. Yeah, it makes perfect sense to get the blood test. + +But I swear to God I just don't think I can do it. I am so sure something serious will be wrong with me and I just don't think I can handle it. Last time I had a blood test I fainted when I heard the results, which weren't actually bad in any way. Just thinking about it has had me depressed and anxious and crying for days now. I'm not afraid of needles, but I can't imagine going to the doctor for the blood test, let alone waiting for days for the results. I just don't think I can do it. I don't *want* to do it, even though I know it's objectively a good idea. + +I'm seriously considering just... not seeing this psychiatrist anymore. I guess I could eventually find one who doesn't demand blood tests. + +I don't know what I'm asking for here. Advice if you have it, but if not, can anyone relate?",Anxiety +34222,"Woken by leg cramp - DVT? I'm a really anxious person and once something goes wrong I instantly think of all the worst things it could be and start to freak out. + +Not too long ago, I was suddenly awoken by a severe cramp in my right calf. I've got it stuck in my head that it could be DVT. My legs arent swollen, red, or discolored. The pain was pretty intense but only lasted a few moments or so (less than a minute) + +Does the pain usually last longer and not go away? It's still sore and hard to walk on, but not nearly as bad as when I woke. + + +Also I have severe panic attacks at doctors, lol. Which is a good combo with the worries of always dying. ",Anxiety +34223,I have very annoying intrusive/obsessive thoughts I didn’t know where to turn so here I am. For starters I’m not diagnosed with any anxiety disorder or other mental health illness. It’s not always as bad as it has been for the past few days but it’s already annoying me so much. It’s like I can’t relax my mind and the biggest issue for me is watching my current TV show. I know it sounds dumb but it’s what i love doing the most and what makes it easier to get through the day. It’s like these annoying thoughts keep getting in the way and I can’t enjoy watching my stuff. For instance I’m up next to solve an exercise in math class on tuesday in front of the class and it’s not for a grade or anything but my brain keeps telling me that I won’t be able to relax until i complete that and I wish my turn was on friday so i could enjoy the weekend. I don’t know how to clear my mind so i can get into what’s happening in my TV show and truly enjoy it like I normally do. I would appreciate any suggestions if you understand/can relate to what I’m going through atm.,Anxiety +34224,"So my fears have been confirmed. Wednesday I went camping and ended up sleeping in 30 degree weather, was ill prepared to say the least. Ended up getting 2 hours of sleep while shivering the entire time. So Thursday night I suddenly came down with the chills and a brutal headache. Yesterday I went to urgent care and there they confirmed I have the flu type A virus and a 102 fever—as a hypochondriac this immediately kicked in my catastrophic thinking and always fearing the worst. They gave me Tamiflu which cost a pretty penny. Today I feel like dogshit—aches, pains, coughing but my fever has seemed to drop. But I’ve been sleeping like shit no more than 5 a night (don’t ya need to sleep to get rid of this?) + +I’m an extremely healthy person so being out of commission like this is literal hell lol. + +Is anyone else dealing with the flu? Any tips? Also I’m going to be couch ridden while the misses is working, so casual convo is welcomed. ",Anxiety +34225,"What's causing my confusion/delerium 22/M + +I've been feeling very confused/delirious since Sunday night. Let me give a little backstory about the events that lead up to this + +I've been in terrible pain from a root canal for about a week before this happened, every day I took about 4000mg of extra strength Tylenol and 2000-2400 mg of Advil liquigels until Sunday night, I don't smoke weed often. Maybe once a week or so since last September but I did on Sunday night. Not anything more than I usually do or even a different strain but the night I smoked is the night I stopped taking my pain meds, but it's Friday night now and I feel confused and just overall ""off"" like I'm watching myself through a glass pane. Does anyone have any advice that could help me. This feeling is causing me to have daily panic attacks",Anxiety +34226,"Someone please help First of all I urge anyone who reads this to please give an opinion on what they think it may be, I'm worried sick. Thanks in advance. + + +Ok i've made posts about things I've felt before but somehow everything I had 2 weeks ago is now gone and has been replaced by new fears. + +I'll get straight to it, here are symptoms with context: + +- Odd feeling on left side of body, mainly legs, only when laying or sitting. Feels like weakness but I can still walk just fine and feel no difference in balance. Sort of like fatigue without any actual excercise to cause it, really odd and it scares me. + +- Tinnitus, already diagnosed 2 years ago with bilateral tinnitus and it's got easier to deal with. But in times like these it makes me feel awful. I'm aware of the recent progresses in Tinnitus treatment so it doesn't worry me too much as it's benign and only sounds when i'm in silence. + +- Constipation, probably caused by the stress or anxiety. Either way it might be causing me problems. + +- Intermittent sharp stomach pains on the left side of my abdomen under ribs, I called the doctor about it and he said it was nothing lethal or worrying but to get it checked out anyway. That my current worst fear, that I had a digestive infection caused by the constipation. + +- A feeling that for some reason, I'm going to die tomorrow from some lethal random attack of sorts, like my intestines will rupture from a tiny stomach pain, or that I'll have a heart attack because I can sometimes hear pounding in my head. That's the worst of all of this, the never being able to relax, I feel on edge 24/7. Researching everything that I can in order to reassure myself, only to find an even worse disease that vaguely correlates to my symptoms. + +I always feel the urge to check my speech to see if it's slurred, or check my heartrate to check for palpitations, or check my typing to check for stroke/ALS. I seriously can't keep living like this, why do I keep getting these physical symptoms?! + +Many thanks, Max +",Anxiety +34227,"HIV worry Hi there, + +About a month ago I had unprotected sex with my ex girlfriend (we have still maintained a close friendship). She told me she had been tested for STDs since the last time she had sex, I had had blood work and urine work done since the last time I had had sex also. About a week later she told me she had missed her period and we were worried about pregnancy. She was sick for a few days, nauseous and fatigued. After a while she got better but during that time I asked if she had blood work done, to which she replied no, just urine. She thought the same negative thoughts as me (she also has health anxiety). + +When she got better she assured me that she had just been stressed, not eating right and I had nothing to worry about. She even called me to reassure me. + +Now I am studying abroad in the Middle East, and I started feeling sick last week. I had a stomach ache (normal for new bacteria in food) and then a sore throat and congestion. Instantly I thought this was the worst and that I had HIV. Again I told her I was freaking out but she reassured me that I was fine and so was she. I found out that my friend in the program has had the same symptoms as me and we guessed it was allergies. + +Now I’ve been taking antihistamines and feel better but the thought won’t leave my mind. I understand that it’s very hard to get anything through vaginal intercourse, plus I am circumcised (0.08% that she has it, 0.04% chance that I could get it from her if she was +). It’s hard to get tested in the country I’m in because that’s simply how it is. I’ve asked her to get tested but she said she’s been very busy and she told me I need to get help for my anxiety. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist because I have a history of panicking and anxiety. + +Should I be worried about this? +Thanks and sorry for long read.",Anxiety +34228,"Superbowl parties and the flu I was going to go to a superbowl party today but then I remembered the flu season is at its peak. I'm also having surgery the day after on Monday, and while I know that symptoms don't usually appear until a couple days after being infected it would really suck if I got the flu while I was recovering from surgery. + +I don't care about football tbh but I love going to superbowl parties to stuff my face with food. I got the vaccince but apparently it's really ineffective this year, so I'm still worried about catching it even if I'm super careful. Is it reasonable for me to not go just because I'm paranoid about the flu?",Anxiety +34229,"Im pretty sure im dying So im a really bad hypochondriac and suffer from health anxiety 24/7 and lately ive had a migraine lasting 2 days now very bad stomach ach and body weakne +ss and constipation and when i can go my stool is in rounded ball shapes and have a little birmt of blood in it ive also been thinking i might have colon cancer appendicitis gti i dont know and im constantly freaking out please help im scared! :( what do i have?",Anxiety +34230,"Anyone else’s chest “hurt” while making unhealthy food? I was making some Mac and cheese for dinner tonight (absolutely delicious, but a very once in a while kind of meal). It’s just pasta covered with what is essentially 100% butter, milk, and cheese. That’s it. I was pouring it into the baking dish and I felt discomfort in my chest. I notice this a lot when surrounded by unhealthy food. It’s not so much after I eat it, more before and during. + +Anyone else get this? + +(Background: 19, M, 185-190lbs, 6’3”, currently bulking, have has chest discomfort and have gotten two echocardiograms, and multiple EKGs with nothing apparently wrong)",Anxiety +34231,"Up and down So, my health anxiety focuses on getting pregnant: I’m terrified of it, don’t ever want to be (I’m 20) and no doctor will tie my tubes. I thought either my contraceptive implant was broken, i would do pregnancy tests and not trust the result or go digging through the bin for them, I didn’t trust a blood test, I thought every twinge in my body was a symptom. I thought I saw signs everywhere telling me I was pregnant. + +Then, last week, after 3 CBT sessions, upping my anti depressants and travelling home to see my parents for the first time in 4 weeks, I had the first ‘good’ week since September. No tests, no doctor visits, plenty of exercise, could snap myself out of any dangerous thought patterns. No googling! I was so happy and proud. I even had sex for the first time in 4 months with my boyfriend. + +Then, on Saturday morning, my boyfriend accidentally grabbed my arm implant. Since then, I feel like I’ve spiralled back of control after just one week of happiness. I’ve resisted doing a test so far, but I swear my implant is broken even after seeing a nurse, I’m symptom spotting, googling, crying etc. My techniques to cope aren’t working. I go from feeling scared and upset to angry with myself and the world. + +I was just wondering, how do people cope with these type of set backs? How do you pull yourself up again? At the minute I just feel sad and depressed and angry. Fuck you, health anxiety.",Anxiety +34232,"Fear it’s not bronchitis. 28 white male + +6’1” 275lbs + +Pack a day smoker for ~10 years + +No chronic health conditions or regular meds + +Current meds: 20mg prednisone 3x a day for 5 days, albuterol inhaler as needed (up until last night I’d been using it every 4 hours regardless) + +On Wednesday (5 days ago) I went to urgent care because I’d been feeling some chest discomfort. My son has recently gotten over walking pneumonia so I wanted to get it checked out and start treatment early if that’s what I had. They did a chest x-ray, took blood, did a peak flow test where I scored a 300. Doc gave me a breathing treatment and bumped the peak flow score to 450. Doc said, “I’m gonna call it bronchitis” and prescribed me the meds listed above. + +In the beginning, I didn’t feel sick; I wasn’t rundown or tired, no fever, no loss of appetite or anything. Ever since I went to the doctor I’ve felt weird. I wake up feeling shaky, I get dizzy throughout the day, for the first few days my lower legs were killing me, I get these random waves of feeling hot/flushed, and I wake up several times throughout the night either cold or burning up (still no fever, no chills). I feel like the prednisone should be giving me some improvement but the cough is becoming more frequent and more productive (white sputum). Last night it took me forever to fall asleep because the center of my chest hurt. + +I’ve slowed down on my smoking since going to the doctor but haven’t totally stopped. I’m just so afraid that this is something more serious. Would something like cancer have shown up on my chest X-ray or blood work? I’ve been up for the past 2 hours with my mind racing. Right now I’m sitting on the couch and every time I inhale I get a dull pain in my chest. I just want to be okay.",Anxiety +34233,"Something that’s helped me. I’ve realized that the human body is just fucking weird. It twitches and gives you weird feelings. It might randomly hurt in one spot. So if you experience something weird, it’s probably your body just being its weird self.",Anxiety +34234,"Fear of getting schizophrenia or any mental illness So my psychologist told me I have gad with obsessive thoughts that are health related. I’m very scared of getting schizophrenia , yesterday I had a very vivid dream of two people at my school dying. And it felt so real, in the dream I passed by a house in a car and two bodies were there and I was crying hard in the dream. I woke up all scared . And I heard a symptom of getting schizophrenia is believing your dreams or something . I haven’t looked up my symptoms in 2 months and I never will . I know all of this is irrational but I’m scared . My psychologist told me that it’s just anxiety and that I don’t have schizophrenia and that I’m not developing it. He said he’s seen many patients with that illness and I’m not like them. Sometimes I have paranoid thoughts when I’m in my mind but I know they’re irrational.",Anxiety +34235,"Tingling Feeling in my hand. Hi, I had a small cut on my hand a while ago whist helping my drumline move props. I had moved some props and a rust-like liquid had came out of some of the props and into my hand. I had cleaned my hand as best as possible and i’ve had tingling feelings in my hand for sometime now. Anyone know any possibility why this would happen?",Anxiety +34236,"I'm afraid I have breast cancer in my 20s But I don't know if it's just paranoia, anxiety or my period. My period's never caused this before. A few days before my period started one of my nips was hurting really bad and it kinda kept me awake for a bit, then my breast in general was hurting. It went away after a day, but now a week later it's happening again. Could it be breast cancer even though I'm 22? How do they even test for breast cancer? I don't know if I'd even qualify for getting a mammogram. I'm not sure if I still even have insurance. Also relevant, I've always had a lump in one of my breasts, ever since I was like 18. But it never worried me because I was so young and google said it was probably nothing. And it's been four years since I discovered it and it never killed me. What if though??? I'm definitely not pregnant so it isn't that.",Anxiety +34237,"How do you stop fuzzing? My friend is as healthy as can be, but eversince I started really knowing him there's been something wrong. He'd go to the doctor, clear up whatever condition he thought he had and then he'll go home and start googling every single aspect of his bodily functions. (For example: ""Smelling burning wood"" - then he thinks obviously something is wrong with his nose now??) Until eventually he discovers some other condition he may have. Then he stresses it until a doctor clears it up again and then repeat. He would sit for hours up at night reading symptoms, and unfortunately that is not exaggeration. + +He's never fine, never normal, never healthy in his mind. And as much as it annoys me, its worrisome. Because there's no helping a person that always thinks that he knows better. + +I'm looking for someone who can advise him on how you coped or even escaped this state of mind. But any advice would be appreciated. + +Thanks.",Anxiety +34238,So this mole I found on my arm stings when I breathe in? Specifically when I'm standing straight? What the hell is that? I'm freaking out here.,Anxiety +34239,"Heart anxiety pvc, vt and cpvt Hi there. I want to begin to tell you that I have suffer from health anxiety for few years. I was actually good for 3 years until 10 weeks ago. + +Last two years I've had skipped beats. Doctor told me it was probably pvc and did no test. I believed him and continued with my life. These skipped beats would happened when in rest so I wasn't worried. Last year I had a hernia surgery and I couldn't run for 4 month's. Then last summer I noticed when I started running that my heart would skip beats or flutter more frequently during excersice. Sometimes just 1-2 times but sometimes 10 times. + +I saw a cardiologist and he did ECG, echo, stress test. My heart is structurally normal and everything looks fine except 1 pvc during stress test. + +I didn't have any anxiety and continue working out. Than 10 weeks ago I was running. I'm not in good shape because I'm scared of exercising. Everything went fine until I had pvc. I continued running and got few in a row! my heart started pumping and I felt numbness and my heart was getting pvc A LOT. I thought I was going to faint but I didn't. My friend called the ambulance. I freaked out When they came my pvc had stop and I just had 150 bpm. ECG showed nothing. Had a blood test as we'll and 2 more ECG which showed nothing. Docs told me nothing to worry about. + +I was fine until week ago when I was watching tv and relaxing. I noticed chest tingling. I took my pulse and it was fast. I had a panic attack and skipped beats, few in a row. I called a ambulance and they did ECG 2x and there we're no sign of anything. My skipped beats were not happening when they came. + +I had a holter and I'm waiting for the results but it only captured skip bear while at rest. I'm trying to get on with my life but I can't take this anymore. I'm so anxious. Deep down in my heart I worry so much that I have Venticular tachardia because of those skipped beats while excsersising or panic attacks. They came more than 3 in a row and that is suppose to be a bad sign. I want to believe my doctors but I can't get it out of my head that they have never capatured my heart fast and inregular at the same time. Only pvc or fast sinus rate. + +I'm can't sleep I can't enjoy anything and I'm have been a mess last week's because of this Venticular tachardia anxiety. + +summary. I've experience at least two times fast rate and skipped beats. It also happened one time when I had adrenaline rush because of a bad family fight. My heart started skipping beats alot and sometimes even during dramatic sport events my heart races with skipped beats. It happens if I have adrenaline, if I'm excsersising and panic attacks and stress.Also sometimes when drinking alcohol + +I'm 24 year old 90 kg 185 cm never smoked have panic attacks and health anxiety. + +Should I worry that they have never capture my heart going fast and skipping beats? Any advice? be honest. +I had few good weeks with my anxiety but then googled some shit and found CPVT and it's giving me one helluva anxiety. + +Im just playing everything in my head. I get more skipped beats when my heart is racing curing excersice or panic. +I have had ECG when it happened but my pvc had stopped already and it only showed sinus tachardia. + +I just want to stop think about this. Deep down I know I'm 99% all right but my brain keeps getting what if especially with cpvt fear. +",Anxiety +34240,"Should I see a neurologist? I am 19,F and have GAD btw + +1) Went to a specialist, diagnosed me with occipital neuralgia. i ate the medicine and i no longer get these constant headaches. He did a physical check on me to check my vision, balance and muscle strength and it was fine. He told me to just fix my posture. + +2) However, my muscle twitching and numbness (ive always had this my entire life) and my short term memory loss problems got worse. Besides, i now have speech and focusing problems. + +Is it just anxiety and it's all just psycho symptomatic pain? Is my (recently diagnosed) anxiety a symptom of something bigger?",Anxiety +34241,"Pretty bad anxiety towards taking meds with a possibility to prolong QT. Help. [Warning: this post got much, MUCH longe r than I anticipated. Sorry to however actually reads this entire essay.] + +So, I have a psychiatrist who recently prescribed me sertraline (for chronic depression/ptsd) and trazodone (for sleep) but I actually haven't taken either. This specific phobia started like 1-1 1/2 yrs ago I think. I had walking pneumonia a few weeks ago and absolutely had to take antibiotics and Holy shit, my anxiety was thru the roof every time I was time to take it. I was absolutely convinced my QT interval was significantly prolonged and I was going to die in my sleep! I feel like I narrowly escaped death after I finished the course. Which is ridiculous. + +I have had ekgs countless times, probably like over 10 times (ftr I'm only 18 and only started getting them in the last two years) and for the most part, were completely 100% normal (shocker).... excluding this one time during my purging like 3x a day and keeping literally nothing down phase where my hearts repolarization phase fucked beyond belief. + +Actually I'm just going to talk about that a little because the anxiety still plagues me. my heart was physically rattling / shaking in my chest with every beat, like it was unsure of how to beat normally. it was incredibly scary, I think I experienced what I believe was possibly a very brief arrhythmia. at first I thought it may have been a minor seizure (which wouldn't be that unrealistic, as purging (electrolyte disturbances such as hypokalemia, hypomagnesemia, and hypocalcemia.), sleep deprivation (I had stayed up all night), physical activity while literally running on empty (we were inside playing basketball when it all started) and of course hypoglycemia (essentially not-eating will do that to ya) all lower the seizure threshold, and also how i might have had a seizure once back when I was abusing dxm constantly which of course predisposes you to future seizures) because of how disoriented I got and how everything became slow motion, almost similar to the time distortion one would get on a psychedelic. + +......but that didn't explain how my heart rate was reaching 140 (for the record, throughout the last 2ish years that I have been measuring it, it has always, always sat at a comfy 55-60 while not using HR-raising drugs such as dxm or speed) when I got it taken in the nurses office in the psychiatric facility, and how I felt like I was about to die. When I went and got that ekg I believe actually traumatized me in a way. + +Coming fairly close to death (which has actually happened to me a numerous times, with my purging phase, over exercising phase (I actually kept a fucking exercise bike in my tiny ass room and legit would use it non stop for 3-5 hours to burn off literally everything I ate and then some, feeling proud when my net calories for the day ended up in the negative. it was bad, real bad) restriction phase (I have eaten less than 500 calories / day for months at a time, several times, in fact I can feel a restriction phase coming on, as I am pushing myself to not eat, God I hate being eating disordered, but st this point it's a safety blanket after I've been dealing with this shit day n day out since 13 yrs old me first decided to eat like 100 calories a day for 2 or 3 months (can't rmmbr) cos I was obese. Cant really remember if I started out with disordered thinking and intentions, or if it just was a crash diet-turned weird obsession and addiction to weight loss. and also, this one non eating disorder related time I was riding in a car with my mom maybe 1 1/2 years ago , legit almost got tboned (we would have been hit on my/her side of the car, had we been just 2 seconds slower getting through the intersection, that person would have hit us. oddly enough, she was panicking, yet I f elt absolutely nothing, no adrenaline, no fear, nothing. I attribute that to how I learned to dissociate from everything at. A young age due to my father's husband abusing us constantly (lol dissociation as a coping mechanism is cool (not)) + +I wholeheartedly believe I could have died if I continued with the purging (I still get extreme anxiety when I analyze that specific ekg I know I should throw it out but I just can't, I am a person who is very much into record keeping). I feel like I am not actually alive, that I died months / years ago, and this is maybe purgatory. I alternate between genuinely feeling like I should truly not be / am not actually alive, because of all of this shit. Not sure if that's connected to the ptsd or what. I mean, I was dxd with major depressive disorder with psychotic features, at one point. God my life is a nightmare. I so desperately wish to take the place of a normal person Ie didn't have an abusive biological father, isn't a piece of shit drug addict, doesn't harm themselves via eating habits and excessive exercise, doesn't have all these stupid ridiculous mental things. (how did my life end up like this.......) I fantasize about it alot. Normal people with normal lives take that shit for granted. It angers me. They just don't understand how goddamn lucky they fucking are, Holy fucking shit. + +(Oops, sorry for the going off on a total tangent. That happens to me sometimes.) + +Anyway...How do I get over this.... I honestly would not take any med like that on a daily basis unless I had an at home ekg that I could use like 12 times a day. Actually, every time I discontinued an Ssri or antipsychotic it as because I could ""sense"" that my QT interval was prolonged. Even if the drug was helping me. It's horrible. I have a cardiologist appointment soon because I got minor chest pains during exercise a few weeks ago. Which doesn't sound particularly bad, but that, coupled with the knowledge of the fact that many people can have silent heart attacks and asymptomatic arrhythmias, it's downright terrifying. I am scared about what I might find out, if I mayhaps did permanent, structural, unfixable damage to my heart muscle from a only a several month long bulimic episode, and am now much, much more vulnerable to cardiac events.... I almost don't want to go. + +Now what's weird about this phobia, is that I currently am using Xanax at night and meth during the day and I'm also a smoker. Its weird how those three things are pretty not-good for you, yet I have less anxiety about smoking a cig or a bowl of meth than taking an anti depressant???!??? + +It's so irrational and honestly I believe it's an ocd thing as I also tend to take my blood pressure 4-20 times a day (no fucking joke) and weigh my self constantly and also check my pulse to see if my heart rhythm is ""normal"" about 10x a day. My blood pressure is so good that even as I am fucking high out of my mind on meth and just smoked a cig, the highest it goes is like 130/85 (which, insanely and funnily enough, is still probably lower than like 70% of Americas blood pressure, lmao), which is just slightly hypertensive. It's normally, with only the Cigs and no meth, like 90/60, sometimes even like 85/57, no lie. I attribute it to my whole food/plant based diet. I'm not really sure why I still compulsively take my BP. But anyway This anxiety is destroying me. I really do think I need to be on an SSRI or something, but I guarantee I could not even take a single benadryl without panicking hardcore. + +So. Does anyone deal with this fear of an abnormal heart rhythm specifically? I just wonder how common it is. And how people deal with it. (/end Xanax fueled rant about my mental issues. I would be shocked if anyone actually reads this entire essay)",Anxiety +34242,"Swallowing air, mostly when laying on my back Since the start of this year I‘ve had really weird symptoms. It started when i suddenly noticed some faint clicking noises at the back of my throat. I got very scared because i was high (on weed) at that time and since weed does trigger paranoia I was sent into a full-blown panic attack. While being in a panic attack I first started swallowing a lot of air due to an anxiety reflex. After sobering up, I was back to normal. But stupid me thought it was okay to smoke weed again so I had my next panic attack, shaking and just feeling and hearing all the air move in my stomach and abdomen. At this point i quit smoking. Yet after that incident i noticed, that whenever I laid down on my back and swallowed(mostly the normal spit-swallow reflex) i could hear and feel tiny air bubbles travel down my esophagus. this happens absolutely subconsciously, I cannot control it. I’ve also noticed how sometimes my ears and my throat hurts. Now I‘ve become extremely aware of how i breathe, how I swallow and when I feel or hear something weird in my body and this led to searching the internet for various reasons as to why this may be happening to me. I‘ve thought about hiatus hernia(the conditions where the diaphragm pushes into the stomach or the esophagus), GERD(but I‘ve never noticed any acidic reflux), and so on... It‘s gotten so bad that some nights I can‘t even sleep because I‘m having such bad anxiety about my symptoms... I‘ve gone to three different doctors, the first one completely ignored my symptoms and just said the bloating comes from an intestinal infection(or something like that idk), the second one sent me to a therapist to whom I‘ll go to in march and the third one didn‘t find anything wtong with me, just like the first one. It‘s extremely hard for me to live with this condition, because wherever I searched, I‘ve found absolutely nothing that actually led me to an illness or such. I‘m using simeticon to relieve the bloating, because I‘m not able to burp all of the air out. But I may add that I do burp a lot because of the subconcious air swallowing which sometimes happens eventhough I‘m not laying down. When I lay down on my back though, it happens almost constant. I was wondering if anyone here has or had something similar to this? :(",Anxiety +34243,"Left Ear Tingling / Side of face numb?? My left ear sometimes (mainly when I'm going to bed) gets this weird tingling sensation, followed by the sensation spreading to the whole left side of my face?? It's weird and doesn't hurt but definitely stands out. I don't have many other health issues aside from mental health such as anxiety / OCD / depression. Is this just another weird side effect that can happen that nobody told me about before??? + +It's kinda freaking me out lol ",Anxiety +34244,"Im so done Im young and pretty healthy, but I always manage to convince myself that I have something wrong with me. It started with heart problems, then the Ebola outbreak had me checking myself in the mirror everynight to see if my eyes were bleeding and now its cancer. Ive had all sorts of cancers such as testicular cancer, leukemia, skin cancer, bone cancer and now its brain cancer. Im seeing my doctor on tuesday and I know he'll just check me and say theres nothing wrong but I still need to know... Not knowing is probably the worst part for me. Im seeing a therapist but it doesnt seem to be very helpful... also I dont wanna take antidepressants. I cant keep living like this... something has to change. Please help me",Anxiety +34245,"Terrified of a brain CT scan I had Sorry guys, long post but I just need to get this off my chest and I feel like I'm going crazy... +Firstly, I'm a 23 y.o. male in relatively good health training and playing sports 4ish times a week. + +So recently I was having a weird pain on the right side of my brain and ongoing pressure that didn't go away for about 4 days. Eventually I went to the doctor who said we should do a 'scan' for reassurance to check if it was serious. + +I stupidly just went along with radiology and did a brain CT scan when I could have asked for an MRI. Now days later I'm absolutely terrified of the affects of that CT radiation on my brain/body and so much regret I didn't speak up and demand an MRI instead. I've been emailing the clinic and they said that on average a brain CT with the machine (Siemens 64 slice Perspective) they use gives 1 mSv for a brain CT (I'm worried that this is just for a brain scan and that the person doing it would have hit my head among other body parts so the dosage might have been higher). + +I've now been reading about ionizing radiation for the past few days non-stop with occasional glimpses of hope about how overall the radiation impacted me is nominal compared to the background we receive. But then there are so many questions that stress me out, is receiving a large dose in one go the same as a 2/3 a year of exposure to the body? How much radiation can our bodies deal with? Is there now mutated DNA in my body that could cause problems in the future? Am I more sensitive to radiation than a normal person? + +I can't sleep properly and I spend my days distracted reading about the odds of contracting a fatal cancer because of a stupid CT scan I could have said no to. I just want some proof to say ""look, the radiation you received is minor and there is almost no risk with the CT"". I've read every resource there is (I think) and done every calculator I could and it still stresses me out. **This fear of cancer is partially because I lost my mother when I was quite young to lung cancer and I'm just terrified hereditary impact this has on me** + +tl;dr: Had a brain CT worried about brain tumours/cancer and now worried the scan could have done more harm then good.",Anxiety +34246,"What is wrong with me? I’ve always been extremely articulate and smart. I operated on a higher consciousness than most people just in the sense that I was more aware of my surroundings and I thought deeply about things. I was also quick witted and being funny was probably my defining personality trait. Until about a week ago, I felt like my normal self (still a very anxious person regarding my health, particularly a brain tumor). Now I just feel like there’s been a substantial cognitive decline. I can’t think as deeply and I’m constantly second guessing myself on if I’m using words correctly. I feel Ike my vocabulary is getting worse and I google synonyms for words about 30 times a day. At the same time, I also feel more relaxed. It sounds weird but I’d rather feel smart and anxious than dumb and relaxed. I’m not even particularly happy. I feel like I have no emotions (something that has been persisting for a while) but now I feel like I have no intelligence (something new to me). I am slower to respond in arguments and don’t feel as witty as I was two weeks ago. Maybe I’m thinking too much about my speech but I just wish I could revert back to normal. Everything just feels so superficial to me. It’s weird. I know a symptom of brain tumors is a shift in consciousness. I’m messing up when I talk a lot more. I feel like I’m forgetting words and not winning in arguments (very rare for me). I’m only 15 (almost 16) and feel like I have Alzheimer’s or something. On a side site, the only other truly concerning symptom I have that could be indicative of something more serious is the smell of smoke occasionally. This isn’t a daily occurrence or even a weekly but maybe once or twice a month, I’ll get a whiff of the faint smell of smoke that is certainly not coming from real life. As of lately, I just feel so dumb. I just can’t stress the fact that I’ve never felt this way before. I hate this feeling. I haven’t really had emotions for a while (this is due to some trauma I’ve been through) but lack of intelligence is brand new. I may not be completely devoid of my intellect (as I’m able to express my thoughts coherently in this format) but I feel slower than usual. I use to partake in writing creative stories and stuff and I tried to do that yesterday and I struggled and was uncharacteristically out of ideas. Sorry if this sounds repetitive but this has been going on for about a week now and I’m not sure what’s up. My parents won’t let me get an CAT Scan (I got an MRI in March 2016 and everything was fine). Is there a possibly a tumor could’ve developed in this short of amount of time? Thoughts and opinions please. I just feel like a completely different person + + + +Also sometimes when I’d feel really weird or things would get too heavy, I’d cry and the feelings would subside. Now I can’t even cry cause I feel like I don’t even have feelings in the first place. I use to be able to explain this perfectly all the time (or so it felt like) and I took great pride in my ability to articulate things. Now I feel like whenever I do so, there’s a little voice in my head questioning what I say and if it makes complete sense. I now I sound articulate in my post but I don’t feel like I sound like this in real life. Or it at least takes too long for me to express myself. ",Anxiety +34247,"Tested a VR headset (for phone, Bobo Z4) & before I could adjust settings to get rid of incorrect settings (the screen was double), I felt my left eye sting and after that, weird sensations in my eye areas and in my head/brain... kinda electrical and spasm-like, worried Health anxiety sucks - it sucks more when its symptoms overlap with the symptoms of physical conditions. + +But the symptoms described in the title above were a little... odd. Epilepsy-concerns emerge, perhaps mild, but still leaving me concerned. Could it just be something that had to do with my eyes needing to adjust, or the settings not being correct and thus messing me up for a bit, or should I be worried about epilepsy/photosensitivity? I figured I'd ask around to see if it is a sound concern... no access to a doctor right now unfortunately, gotta wait til tomorrow. +",Anxiety +34248,"Worried about having diabetes? The past couple of months I’ve been worrying about diabetes, I’ve lost 10 pounds without any change to diet or exercise and I also have frequent urination to the point where I go at least 5 times a night and several more times during the day even when there’s not much liquid in my bladder. I also have been having some lack of energy. Can this all be chalked up to my extreme anxiety ? I’m thinking about getting a blood glucose meter to test for myself but I’m terrified. Any advice/opinions ?",Anxiety +34249,Losing it at work All this week I’ve had pressure in my head and behind my eye and tinnitus and a sore neck. I’m so scared it’s a brain tumor and I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so irritable and stressed out! I made a dr appt for later today but I’m worried they will be dismissive and not take me seriously. I hate this so much.,Anxiety +34250,"Muscle twitching/Spasms since Christmas I got sick for a week pretty bad in November and then around Christmas time (pretty sure it was the flu). Ever since then I get random twitching and spasms in my muscle all over my body (not at the same time). Some days I have it, some days I don’t. I went to a neurologist 2 weeks ago and said it wasn’t MS or ALS. I plan on going to my primary soon but wtf could this be? Anyone ever experience something like this? I’m a 30 year old male. ",Anxiety +34251,"Fear of exercise and moving/exerting myself Hi. I have had many issues with fatigue in the past, and they were really terrifying. I've come to develop some kind of PTSD with exercise and exertions.. A few weeks ago I just went to grab some groceries and the exertion from carrying the weight had me suffering in the evening with widespread body pains and an intense fatigue that signalled there was something wrong with my body. In any case, I came down with a cough after that so my doctor said I could be coming down with a cold or something, and if exertions make me tired I shouldn't exercise and I should rest. + +It's been 2 weeks, I still don't know when it's safe to start moving because I'm still coughing slightly and seem to be coming down with sore throat. I'm terrified of exercising because of my past. Yet, I'm so sedentary these days that I'm not comfortable with it either. It's mad unhealthy to not move much. I'm anguished. ",Anxiety +34252,"Spinning Downhill All Over Again, PLEASE HELP! I haven't been to this sub in over a year. I started stressing about the things I was reading, and freaking out more, even though I just wanted to support others like they were giving me. I decided to stop googling, stop this sub and try to re focus, to feel some relief from the anxiety. + + 2018 has started out pretty rough, issues with relationship, stress and more stress have been a real struggle. Therapy hasn't been feeling the same neither does school which last year I was so happy to actually be doing. It's a sad time. + +Between all this I've tried different things to help me, yoga, some gym, journaling, hobbies etc. I realize that my life will forever be good and bad days....TODAY IS A BAD DAY! I'm overwhelmed and I'm not even out of bed yet. + +I feel asleep fine last night (thankfully) and sleep through most of the night (again, thankfully) however I woke up at 530 to my right thigh twitching so quickly and non stop. Maybe I needed a stretch? No...Still going. + +It doesn't hurt but I've regrettable done something bad. I've let myself have bad thoughts, then fueled them with the dreaded Google...PLEASE HELP. + +1. I saw where it could be just benign twitching...COULD BE. Last year I went to the gym and may have lifted wrong so the next day I had arm twitching almost all day. But for this case I haven't been to the gym since Monday! (Now Wednesday). Can't be that...right? + +2. Stress can cause an overload of muscle stuff...even if I sleep? I'm dissecting everything right now. Yes it's been a hard month with you health fears and questions and stress but I'm now like thinking to myself I'm not really that stressed can that truly be the cause? + +3. Google sucks, it's the worst type of fear enabler, yet so accessible. I'm finding so much, Lou Gherigs disease??? Ahh!!! I can see the twitch so that's promising but I'm finding it hard to no look up other symptoms...is it possible??? + +4. Heart issues! I've always been focused on cancer and stuff along those lines but now I'm freak g about heart stuff. My fit bit typically sometimes shows a range of 58-119+bpm depending on exercise, and relaxation etc. +I didn't sleep with it last night, but as soon as I saw the heart stuff on Google that heart arythmia and skipping beats I ran to put it on. It ran 54 bpm... then at 66 down to 61 bpm (granted back In bed in my safe zone) but what if my heart is beating too low??? It's slowly shutting off and gave me the leg twitch as a signal?!?! + +I'm terrified again, upset I'm stressing out about this and worried I might not get out of bed today. + +Please help, I could use any words or advice. So scared...",Anxiety +34253,Scared to death of some wierd symptoms. Greetings. I have extreme health anxeity. For some time i have had troubles with floaters that looked like spiderweb. Recently these past weeks i have also noticed stars in my eyes. They seem to appear randomly and they also move with my eyes similar to floaters. They appear for some seconds then they disapear. I wen't to the eye doctor and he told me that i had PVD or occular migraine. He also told me that my right pupil was smaller then the left one so he called some neurologist and he did some tests but there was nothing wrong with them. But right now im starting to belive that he was wrong and that i have some super rare eye disease or maybe a brain tumor. Should i go back to the doctor or should i take his word that it is nothing serious?,Anxiety +34254,"Keflex side effects, worried about allergic reaction So yesterday I was prescribed Keflex (Cipro) for a UTI. Felt ok the first couple doses but I noticed on the 3rd dose I felt kind of light headed and fuzzy. Took my 4th dose around 10 and about an hour ago got up from the couch and was really dizzy. It seems like it’s a bit better now, I’m not dizzy while sitting anymore. But I googled and started freaking out, some sites say dizziness is a common side effect and some say severe dizziness can be a sign of an allergic reaction. So I started freaking out even more and now I feel like my throat is closing up. I can drink water though, and breathe, so I’m hoping that part is just my anxiety making everything worse. I’m going to call the doctors office in the morning to see if I can have a different antibiotic, but of course it’s the middle of the night. Any advice or reassurance would be appreciated....",Anxiety +34255,"Headache after workout I had a great day and spent an hour of walking on the treadmill. Had a light meal afterwards and then I started to feel numbness on my right side (a reoccurring feeling from when i was in a minor accident) and now a headache. Out of impulse I googled my symptoms and of course they're were some horrible causes for something so small. + +Abosolutly freaked out and also very regretful that I googled that. Ugh I wish I could turn the panic button off in my brain when this happens",Anxiety +34256,"Back pain on and off? Hi, people! I'm worried about a pain in my middle back that comes and goes almost every week. It's a weird pain, specifically located in the left side of my back. It isn't an horrible pain, but it's really annoying sometimes. Sometimes when I lay down the pain gets better, but it's noticeable when i'm sitting or standing +I don't know if it's something related to my posture, spine, nerves... But I'm really worried that could be something related to my stomach (like an ulcer) or my pancreas... I don't have any other symptoms, but my anxious mind thinks the worst. Like I said, the pain comes and goes and it usually starts at night (in the morning the pain doesn't exists at all). Anyone has something to say? I'm not asking for medical advice, just some kind words.",Anxiety +34257,"Forgetfulness, should i be concerned? I’m a rather healthy 19yo minus needing some weight loss, and i woke up this morning not remembering how I fell asleep at all. I’ve been struggling with sleep issues this past week due to a different work schedule catching me off guard. Today I can recall certain things from the past three days, but nothing too specific. As in conversations mainly. it’s kind of concerning as I’ve never had memory issues really bad, nothing like forgetting a lot of the day before. + +I did find out how I fell asleep after finding my controller beside me where i was watching YouTube before I fell asleep. ",Anxiety +34258,"Anyone else walk into their Doctor’s office and everyone knows your name? The receptionists, other Doctors, all the nurses, the people in the OTHER offices... haha yeah.... just had a warm welcome at mine ;)",Anxiety +34259,"Blood Tests Hey y’all, +First time poster, so be kind :) + +I have had health anxiety for a long time. I’m currently a 24 year old female with lots of manageable chronic issues. This requires a lot of blood tests. + +Every time I have to get one, I get really freaked out to the point of causing fights with loved ones and raising my blood pressure with constant anxiety attacks. I’m afraid I may pass or during blood tests, and passing out is one of my biggest fears. Hearing about how it’s really not harmful and I’ll be fine once I wake up is unhelpful. It’s a trigger for me. + +And here’s the thing: I have never passed out, only gotten slightly woozy. Every time it’s better than I imagine it being. + +Can someone give me some advice on how to prevent the slow spiral? ",Anxiety +34260,Should I be worried about hickeys? Hi I’m already anxious about some things but now I’m really anxious because I got a few hickeys last night and one of them is really long and runs for about 2-3 inches down my neck. I read an article about two people who died from a blood clot that came from a hickey and I’m worried that because this one is so long that will happen to me too. They seem so innocent like just bruises but I’m freaking out. Does anyone know anything or should I be worried ,Anxiety +34261,"Aneurysm Fear? I was minding my own buisness last night and heading to bed when a sudden pain took over the left side of my forehead. Lasted all of about 10 seconds and was abrupt, but it did make me go ""Ow!"" internally. The throbbing continued for around 20 or so seconds afterward. The event, however, left me feeling mentally discombobulated. I felt so spacy and out of it when moments earlier I had clarity. Derealization galore, feeling like I wasn't myself or in my own body. I was also very sleepy, so I fell asleep moments later. Today, I have pain, but only behind my left eye. + +Sure enough, Doc Google says that this is an aneurysm and impending death is imminent. I can't tell if I have a dilated eye just by looking at it, but one pupil is larger than the other (although this isn't much of the case when I take a pic with flash on it). The pain behind my left eye is more of a nusance than anything extreme. + +I'd think that one'd know when something this serious was about to erupt, no? That's the scary thing about things like this. Anyway, health anxiety in general has been ruining my life lately.",Anxiety +34262,"Swam at public pool with contacts I was fine swimming around but when I went home, it occurred to me that swimming with contacts in for 2.5 hours in a crowded public pool is maybe a bad idea. Internet confirms this... + + I've been back for a couple of hours and scared I'll go blind or something now... I took my lenses out and rinsed my eyes out with tap water... + +How long until I know if I've got an infection?... Eh...",Anxiety +34263,"Pain between eyebrows For a while now, I have been experiencing pain right where my eyebrows meet. +It gets worse when I look down, but I can feel it when I am not looking down, too. +It is not very sever, but it is annoying, has anyone experienced something similar, or knows what it is? +I am unfamiliar with this subreddit, so if this is not the right place for such a thing, please inform me.",Anxiety +34264,"The news is giving me anxiety, can anyone relate? (popular journalist dies of a heart attack after some random stomach pain) TRIGGER WARNING. Stop reading if you get easily triggered. +So this poor journalist lady who's very popular in my country died of a heart attack few days ago and the news went crazy. Of course it triggered me anxiety, as always when I hear of someone else dying. She was 50 and from what I heard she was a healthy and active woman ( this makes me even more anxious knowing that no matter how healthy you try to be you still can get a heart attack) . Apparently, she was having a heavy stomach ache and went to doc. She stayed hospitalised and suffered a heart attack during endoscopy procedure. They say that maybe there was smth wrong with the anaesthesia, Weird bc it's one of the best private clinics there. So is stomach ache a symptom of heart attack or she died because of anesthesia negligence?. It's worth mentioning that her father's a doctor and she knew a lot about medicine and she didn't seem concerned during her stay",Anxiety +34265,"Is it just me, or does merely learning about the body trigger some anxiety? I've just started taking a general biology class at uni. My professor is a microbiologist, so he knows a lot about infectious diseases and virus. He's somewhat informal, so he often goes on tangents about various diseases he's familiar with. It always scares the crap out of me! + + +Even learning about the physiology of the human body triggers my anxiety. My thoughts do, ""that sounds extremely important, and also delicate. If something goes wrong with this process, I'm screwed."" Does anyone else experience this?",Anxiety +34266,"Terrified about continuing to go to a chiropractor I've had neck pain and stiffness for months and after an MRI and EMG found nothing like herniated discs or tumors, I tried PT and only got worse with periodic lightheadness and nausea. + +I'm so desperate for relief that I started going to a chiropractor, which I've always been skeptical of as a profession. The chiropractor said x-rays show my spine is very rigid and doesn't bend like it should when I look straight up, so he thinks my cervical joints are the problem. + +My neck feels worse two days later after he used a ""chiropractic activator"" on my cervical spine (no twisting or cracking, it's a kinetic energy thing that looks like a glue gun). I'm terrified of getting a dissection of the arteries in my neck and having a stroke. But the medical literature shows that cervical dissections are rare, and my family and friends who have had benefits from chiros are encouraging me to see through a few more sessions.",Anxiety +34267,"I feel like my health anxiety is turning into depression Can anyone relate? I feel like my HA is much better than it used to be, but now I just feel emotionally depressed. Perhaps this just means I’m being more honest and acknowledging my emotions rather than channeling everything into health symptoms and fears? ",Anxiety +34268,"People who had the flu this season and are better now Ok so I’m usually pretty level headed about the flu. I have had it in the past and I usually don’t freak out. And I didn’t this season either until my best friend brought up how surprised he was that I wasn’t freaking out about the flu which lead me to googling everything and seeing news articles I wish I could unsee. Anyways, I am pretty sure I have the flu because my symptoms started yesterday (typical sore throat etc) and 36 hours later my temperature started rising. + +DONT READ THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED +All I can think about is that I’m dying from the flu and that my immune system will attack my organs and that I will die within a couple days all of a sudden like all these people from the news articles. + +SAFE TO READ AGAIN + +So people of Reddit who had the flu this season and have recovered, can you just please tell me that you feel better and that you survived? I need a little hope",Anxiety +34269,"I (28F) Health anxiety - Help. How did you get over it? Health anxiety SUCKS. Like, really sucks. I literally have no reason in my current life to be so down sometimes but I am and I hate it. I'm literally crying. My grandmother, two of her sons, and one of my female cousins have diabetes. My mom does not and neither does my 14 year old sister. I'm 28, eat relatively healthy but was pretty sedentary up until 3 weeks ago. + +I weigh 151.7 and I've started exercising 6 days per week (1 hour Zumba) super high intensity with plyometrics incorporated and have felt pretty great. I have remained at around the same weight despite all of this. I went out last Thursday (about a week ago) and got drunk which I never really do. I rarely drink but I felt so terrible and I'm not doing that again. I was super dehydrated and felt like crap all weekend but I still went to Zumba that Saturday. Out of nowhere, I start thinking about diabetes and now I'm freaked the heck out. + + I went through all of my medical records from the past couple of years to try to calm me down, fasting glucose at 96, at 78, at 87, most recent in December 2017 was 96. On 5/5/2016 my a1c with eAG estimation was 5.0 and my a1c today was 4.9. I did eat a small tub of mangoes from HEB and a green juice prior to my glucose test and that came back at 148. This was literally 10-15 mins after eating. I've had some random shooting pain all over my body for a while now, and for the past couple of days (Sunday) I have cold feet I cannot warm up at all. + +Granted, my whole legs hurt and they feel cold from my butt down. My muscles are pretty sore as I've been doing squats and jumping all over the place for an hour daily. I took a rest day today. I seem to find charts and charts about ""normal"" diabetic ranges but not normal non diabetic ranges for immediately post meal and that 148 is freaking me out despite of the a1c level. + +Should I be worried? Also, I started new birth control (Vienva - generic for Aviane) and I think this may be causing the cold feet? and maybe the anxiety to go to extremes? I asked the Dr. on Nurx about the birth control and she said it's not a normal side effect of the medication although it is my experience that sometimes they aren't aware of all. + +My health anxiety started about two years ago with a diagnosis of H. Pylori (which has been resolved naturally) as the Flagyl and antibiotics caused the first ever anxiety bout I've ever had and continues today. I also had my gallbladder removed and then went to a gastro who said I didn't even need it taken out despite pain attacks. + +I've had EKG's, Echo, CT of the pelvis and abdomen with contrast ad I was also getting palpitations. Determined those are PVC's but I did not want to take beta blockers if nothing is structurally wrong with my heart. + +I just want to be the old me. Three year ago me who gave no fucks about anything until that shit. + +TL;DR: Is it diabetes or just health anxiety? Help! I want to be the old me :(",Anxiety +34270,"Skin condition Hi guys + +Lately i have been having a severe skin issue whereby the skin above my ankle sort of dried off and created this ulcer looking condition. + +I have went to the doctor to get it tested and was advised that it might be due to my severe ezcema and also diabetic condition. However the weird thing is that the left leg now has the same thing too and its spreading towards my knee area.",Anxiety +34271,Hypersensitivity I don’t have full blown health anxiety and assume I have terminal illnesses BUT I have a specific fear of being sick and especially the stomach virus. Because of this I’m HYPEr sensitive to EVERY feeling I feel in my stomach or throat and then it causes anxiety. It’s lkke a never ending cycle!! Does anyone else get this ,Anxiety +34272,"Anxiety after using a neti pot (brain eating amoeba) So I used a neti pot on Monday. I used water from my Brita filter and boiled it for 3 minutes. I used it and got very good relief. + +However, now I’m worried that I will get that brain eating amoeba even though my state is extremely cold right now and that amoeba thrives in hot temperatures. + +Has anyone had this fear before after using a neti pot?",Anxiety +34273,"Frequent cold sores (ulcers) on lips and intense fear of Bell’s Palsy returning Hi all, frequently ill and frequently anxious person here. I’m going to be seeing my doctor (again) to ask about this issue but lately (past few months) after a really bad flu that resulted in a mouth full of ulcers and palsy afterward (which I luckily recovered from), I’ve been terrified of this happening again. I feel I have been getting more frequent tiny ulcers on my mouth almost every month or so. It scares me every time I feel a warm bump. I have no idea why they are so much more common now and it’s disheartening (and discouraging - they’re ugly!). And, it scares me that the palsy could return or flare up again as I’ve read that it’s very possible :( + +All of this stresses me out so much and I know that can’t be doing my body any favors. Just wanted some comfort as I try and deal with the fear and the actual physical symptoms.",Anxiety +34274,"Another Small Tip If you start to panic. And you need to tell someone. Try, instead of telling them your symptoms, just standing next to them and don't say anything about your symptoms. Worse case scenario something happens you are right next to someone who will help you now you can relax. But try not to say what you are feeling try to distract yourself with their presence.",Anxiety +34275,"Does this sound like you? I have health anxiety. It sucks, but I find a lot of comfort reading posts here from people who suffer the same thing. I haven’t beaten it, but I’m so much better than I was 7 years ago. Here’s some of the things that go through my head: + +Is that gas pain or is this the heart attack? I should check my pulse to make sure (20 times a day) + + +I used to never get headaches, must be cancer! + + +My mouth is sore... gotta be cancer. + + +I slept too much and am still tired. Definitely on my death bed. + + +My eyes are red today. Not dry eyes, definitely cancer. + + +Lemme check my strength to make sure I am not getting ALS + + +Feel kinda weak today. Definitely cancer and not exhaustion from 9 hours of work. + + + +That’s the second time I’ve had diarrhea this week- probably cancer and not my IBS. + + +Feeling a bit chilled; I’ll be dead by tomorrow. Likely cancer. + + +Haven’t I already had a cold this year? Two in one year must be cancer. + + +Shit lemme check my pulse again... + + +Sore shoulders? Cancer from that sunburn I got 15 years ago probably. + + +Slight cough? Definitely cancer from second hand smoke. + + +These may sound silly but are things that have gone through my head, obsessively, for years. I get blood work done every year and it always comes back outstanding. Sometimes it helps to see how silly it looks. + + +EDIT: Forgot to add my personal favorite- “is that spot on my body sore? Lemme poke it and prod it 100 times over the course of the day. Shit, it’s sore now. Gotta be cancer”",Anxiety +34276,"Rabies Anxiety - Long Term Incubation I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with rabies as the subject of your health anxiety, but one of the worrisome things about it is that there have been documented cases where the incubation period after exposure to the virus has been years and years, as high as 25 years in one case (although the evidence for it is not definite). A few other examples of long incubation periods include 4 - 6 years, and around 15. + +My fear here is that despite not having rabies yet, I am incubating this terrifying virus and will ultimately die from encephalitis and insanity, which is the outcome of all rabies diagnoses. + +11 years and 8 months ago I handled two baby raccoons over a period of days my aunt found in her yard after her dog killed the mother. We kept them for probably 3 days, and I would imagine my aunt had them for 2 or 3 days as well, before we gave them to a local animal hospital which gave them to a local wildlife rehabilitation center before release. After dropping them off with the clinic we never heard anything else from them. My father confirmed with me yesterday that he left his contact information. I called them yesterday and they don't have documentation about it that far back, but the woman on the phone was not exactly reassuring because apparently a local, unlicensed person was doing the rehabilitation back then. Still, it's someone who would have had the animals in their care for a period of time that would have seen anything to indicate rabies. + +I don't recall the animals behaving strangely, but that doesn't say much. I also don't recall being scratched to show blood (maybe some white-marking from their little claws, but no deep contact) and if they did get saliva on me, I don't imagine it was on an open wound. My aunt, father, two neighborhood friends have not gotten rabies. We never heard anything back from the animal hospital. The only report of raccoon rabies is from 2003, before this happened in 2006. In that county in 2006 there was only one documented case of raccoon rabies in the wild (not humans). For the length of time we had the animals, we would have seen some sort of odd behavior. + +And it's been almost 12 years. What are the chances I'm a case study for long term rabies incubation? + +",Anxiety +34277,"I'm worried I'm pregnant, I had a yearly check up yesterday and had to do a urine test, the doctor would of said Im pregnant right? +I have nothing to worry about, right?",Anxiety +34278,"I feel like im becoming stupid Hi, I've suffered from health anxiety for a few years now, but it's starting to drive me crazy. I started getting terrible headaches a few months ago, it eventually got so bad that I had to go to the hospital and get a CT scan. They said there was nothing wrong with me. I continued to get headaches and I constantly felt like I was going crazy. I went to a chiropractor and was told that all of my pain is coming from my neck and my back, and for some reason I still feel like there is something wrong with my brain. I just recently started having trouble reading, the best way to describe it is that it's like I'm stuttering when I'm reading, I'm constantly reading stuff and not being able to understand what I just read, and then reading it again and realizing that I missed a few words or completely replaced a word with another word. I'm trying to avoid reading because its causing be to become extremely paranoid. I feel like I'm becoming less intelligent or becoming brain dead or something. I'm slowly starting to go crazy and I don't know what to do. I'm probably going to get an MRI just to prove to myself that there is nothing going on with my brain. I really scared and I don't know what to do.",Anxiety +34279,"If I had water poisoning would I be able to type this? Drank more water than I usually do in a small time frame, and now I've been having anxiety all night. I don't seem to have any cramps, headaches, nor do I feel intoxicated. But for some reason my hypochondria has me feeling destined and doomed that this is it :'(",Anxiety +34280,"freaking out about dvt!!! Hi all. i literally just found this reddit 20 minutes and, im already. extremely thankful for it, I've suffered with bouts of health anxiety on and off for years and its been one of the most soul crushing things to experience in my life. Lately since I got a big job my anxiety has latched back to my health again because it constantly needs to focus on something with me. I'm a massive worrier in general, its terrible but Im trying my best all the time. a few months ago it hyper fixated on blood clots on my legs and DVT thus causing like intense leg pains and what not i think after months of just fixating on it (and also developing a real actual flu that was debilitating and not from my hell brain I just wore it out of my brain which is cool i guess. except not really because I've recently developed a lump in my neck (most likely frm flu). its painless goes from feeling tender to firm but it swims around a little on my neck and goes from unnoticeable to like really noticeable. what has me freaking out though is that its on top of an artery, we went to the er after i had one really bad freak out and managed to at least get a nurse to check it (we would have stuck around for the doctor but it was like 1am and we would have had to wait til like 5 am. also my mom kind of started giving me flack on all of this bc she's extremely impatient on my hypochondria and really horrible about it) who took my blood pressure and kinda felt it , she assumes its a lymph node and i know a nurse isnt a doctor but im trying my best to be rational in that ok maybe she is right because nurses do experience a lot of shit with patients and should be pretty well versed on things. but idk its been like 2 weeks and its still there and my brain is just. in literal hell . im just freaking out that every day is my last and i just have clot hanging out there even though its like painless and not red or like super hot to touch and in like like the next 20 minutes i mgonna just endure a stroke or something and my brain is fried enough as is so im not even processing thoughts properly or anything. also w hypochondria since im like still googling shit on what it may be!!! im starting to endure what im assuming is sensations im making up like pains in my neck whatever. but im also like paranoid that im actually right on all of this because this is the most real physical thing ive experienced i guess with my hypochondria. also ive seen some stuff with swollen things in necks with cancer and at this point im just trying to not even look into that because i think i'll literally have another break down, im sorry i guess, i just needed to vent somewhere where others would get what im experiencing because at home its been very much condescending and dismissive and i feel extremely trapped and upset. I'd love to go back to the doctors again myself but I have really bad agoraphobia as well and due to how condescending my folks have been with me i feel extremely embarrassed/ashamed/upset on any of my emotions on all of this and how much im fixating. its just really scary and im just really sad at this point. anyway thank you for reading this if you do and being patient with me if you respond",Anxiety +34281,"HELP! Testicles question... Recently, I noticed one of my testicles is hanging higher than my other. They used to hang at the same height. It doesn’t hurt, but I’m soooooo paranoid about what’s going on. I think I might have testicular torsion (I don’t know how, maybe my skinny jeans?), but I read online that it would hurt like a motherfucker if I did. I’m paranoid and I need help! Im going to try and schedule an appointment for next week with a urologist but I’m literally bedridden with anxiety right now. Trying to move as little as possible. + +Any ideas? Should I be worried?",Anxiety +34282,Return of anxiety after periods of well being/healthy lifestyle. I'm starting to see a pattern in which different HA develops for me and how it always seems to happen after a short period of little to no anxiety(typically after resolution of previous anxiety) OR after you start making healthy choices. When I start running or working out I feel at my best but that also comes with me being hyper-aware of my surroundings. I'm beginning to think that it is this self consciousness and overly attachment that I have developed and reinforced over the years which has led to this becoming a persistent problem. I have a consistent HA of rabies and hence I'm super aware of all the potential causes that could transmit the virus to me. As you all know by now that this attitude is more destructive than defensive. It has gone to the point that I've started reading scientific literature in hopes of finding the best treatment for my anxiety rather than the health issues. Has anybody noticed similar spikes in their anxiety? ,Anxiety +34283,"Aches and Pains after a flu Hey all. So I was suffering from a gastro flu for the last 5 weeks. Reduced appetite, nausea, chills, aches and pains, diarrhea etc. all the good stuff. Felt like it took forever to get over. I even had a bad relapse last weekend.... Anyway, i seem to be coming out the other end and am starting to feel better. However, I am still getting aches and pains in my muscles. Seems to be pretty inconsistent, sometimes it's my back muscles (around my shoulder blades), sometimes it's my shoulders, arms, and forearms. I've had it in my legs too but that seems to have died down. + +Anyone else have aches and pains last for a long time after the flu? If so how long we talking? a couple of weeks after? or a month? + +Thanks for reading!",Anxiety +34284,"Has anyone here ever actually been diagnosed with what they were worried they might have had? I've been convinced I have MS for years. I go back and forth between being 100% convinced that I have it, and then not feeling anything for a while and my worries going away again until bang -- I get dizzy or my arm feels weird. Then it's back again for a couple months. + +I suppose it doesn't help that MS effects a large portion of my family and I've had some very convincing symptoms. + +Has anyone here been worried that they had something, just to find out that they did indeed have it?",Anxiety +34285,"Obsesssion with Hepatitis C from manicures I'm a woman in her late 20s. Now that I am talking with my husband about having a baby, I'm starting to worry that I could have hep c, and could pass it to my baby. You might think ""Easy, just get tested"" but that would stress me out more than anything. There are so many false positives, not to mention the fact that if the healthcare law changes, I could have a ""preexisting condition"" on my record. + +My therapist doesn't think I should worry. I am not a baby boomer, IV drug user, never had any blood transfusions, my only unprotected sex partner is my husband, etc...none of the major risk factors. But I can't stop thinking about the few manicures I've gotten in my life. I've only ever gotten about ten manicures at a salon, but I've read that this is a possible mode of transmission. Of course the logic side of my brain tells me that most women get FAR more than 10 manis in their life, and most women do not have hep c...but I can't stop thinking about it, especially because I've bled on a few occasions during manis (I've had probably about 20 pedicures in my life, but they were at a high end salon that showed off how well they sterilized everything) + +Also, I got a tooth pulled in 1997...I assume that's late enough in history for them to be sanitizing everything, but who knows? + +About 4 years ago, I had a CMP blood test done and my liver enzymes showed up normal. I assume that if I had had hep C for *that* long, something would have been amiss. But I still can't stop worrying. + +my therapist thinks I'm clinging to this because I'm secretly more worried about being a mother, or the changes a baby will bring, but I've hyperfocused on this to distract me from the ""real"" concerns.... + +Anyway, is he right? am I unnecessarily obsessing over this? How often do you hear about young women with no risk factors coming down with hep C?",Anxiety +34286,"Flu Shot Hello everyone, + +I don't know why, but I never got a vaccine this flu season. I usually get one every year. Is it too late to get one? + +Note: I'm OCD and I constantly wash my hands and cover my nose when people cough (germaphobic). Will these habits already decrease my chances of getting sick? + +Thank you!",Anxiety +34287,"Today I’m launching The Dark Wing Project to help people who are struggling with anxiety I've been working on a website where people can describe their experience with anxiety through storytelling, poetry, and art. I hope a vast range of collected experiences will provide insight, inspiration, and understanding. If your interested in telling your story, or hearing from others who struggle with anxiety visit https://adarkmothlands.com. +“A dark moth lands and on its wings a mask of death embitters dreams” +",Anxiety +34288,"Obsessive googling of symptoms hi, +I'm pretty new to posting but I've struggled with health anxiety for about 18 months now. Thought I got on top of it, but I think I was spending my time worrying about other stuff...anyway. +My first obsession was a brain tumour but now it's liver cancer, because on saturday I went out and got drunk and now I'm obsessed I've lost all alcohol tolerance which could be a symptom. As soon as I read that (on some shitty health forum) my left side started hurting and I'm convinced I'm yellow now. +How do I stop the constant cycle of needing reassurance/worrying about symptoms appearing before they have? +Desperately trying to rationalise (I drank about 8 measures of gin, usually that wouldn't affect me as much as it did and I'd eaten...so clearly I'm stressing tf out).",Anxiety +34289,"My health anxiety caused me to get a CT scan and now my anxiety is in overdrive over radiation risks I am a hypochondriac but this time I have been having some severe abdominal pain for 2 weeks. It's constant, not one second of peace, sleeping is very difficult. I've visited doctors, blood tests are normal. I even managed to do an endoscopy, which has always been one of my worst nightmares. It showed just a mild gastritis, nothing to explain my severe constant pain. I've been taking treatment but there is absolutely no difference. Doctor ordered a CT scan and I was hesitant but after some sleepless nights I decided to go for it. Well the result came right now and there isn't much wrong, just a fatty liver and some benign stuff with my prostate. Now I am sad I've irradiated myself for nothing (although, I don't really regret it, never had such pain in my life). The risk is like a 0,2% increase in cancer but some believe the risk might be a little overestimated for CT scans. I will never accept another CT scan in my life, unless it's an emergency. All doctors said abdominal CT scans are better than MRIs so that's why I didn't get an MRI. + +How do I get past this? I still have the pain and no diagnosis and I increased my risk of cancer. One way of dealing with the risk is to think of it like a screening, at least I know there isn't anything sinister going around in my belly.",Anxiety +34290,"Im scared of car rides Kinda sound weird but ive gotten into too many car crashes in the past 3 months (not because of me, i was the passenger). I cant just get into a car for a ride without worrying that someone is gonna hit me. When im on freeways i get too scared because cars arent braking at the right time i want them to, cars are too close, were going too fast. +I hate how scared i get, is there anything i can do about it? Is anyone else like this? How do they deal with it ? Probably sounds a bit crazy idk but i hate it, i worry too much when im in a car",Anxiety +34291,"I'm 16 and going through hell. My anxiety exists due to my high heart rate and I have some questions. I've been dealing with this crap for almost 3 years. It all started with a bad infection that almost costed me a finger. Since then I've thought I had cancer, autoimmune diseases, genetic disorders, neurological disorders, diabetes, severe mental issues beyond anxiety, and a whole bunch of crap. Luckily, I saw how ridiculous this was before it got too severe (hehe it probably is but not as much as it could possibly get). + +Now my problem is my heart. I know it is supposed to speed up when having stress, anxiety or panic, I know why my fingers tingle, I know why I hyperventilate and how it makes things worse, I know why I get headaches, I know! My issue is that it speeds up in a way that I think is too fast. For example, during anxious moments my heart rate is around 100-120: normal and I understand. During panic attacks my heart rate is about 180-205: not normal. +My question is if anyone relates to this? + +The funny (not really funny) thing about anxiety is that the symptoms cycle. Anxiety is a smart cookie who knows how to fool you pretty bad. I've been writing down EVERYTHING since this started and I've learned a lot about how it works. I've solved my past ""diseases"" by finding the flaw in my thinking process but this time I can't. I can count my heart rate when it is that fast. I believe heart anxiety is one of the most difficult ones to beat because the heart does some weird things that we're not supposed to feel but anxiety allows you to. I get ectopic beats ( My heart stops for a few seconds and then beats strongly again) which I know are normal but I feel them and people are not supposed to feel them. It's all due to my anxiety. + +Anyway, I'll repeat my question again: Does anyone else gets heart rate of 180 to 205 BPM during panic attacks? ",Anxiety +34292,"15 year old, Sophomore suffering from Health Anxiety ever since I was in elementary school. It's been inherently worse ever since I tried marijuana last summer. Haven't tried no other drugs since but still. It was a bad trip, i had wayy too much. + +Current fears that have come and gone: + +-Heart Attack +-Heart arrhythmia +-Cancer (Brain) +-ALS or some motor-neuron disease + +My current goals are to gain more muscle and be overall more athletic. I want to get rid of my fat and gain muscle. And consequently after sitting in front of a screen for pretty much all of my life i have gained little to no muscle and am extremely weak. So for the past year i started with going for runs around my block and lifting small weights. Then when I got better I jogged for longer periods of time and got a bench press and heavier weights. So I have been lifting weights 6x a week and doing some cardio here and there. I hope i'm not overtraining. but now that my resting heart rate has dramatically decreased (went from 70-80bpm to now about 40-50bpm while resting) + +Scary shit. i don't want it to lower anymore... I'm scared it will just stop while i'm asleep cause it will go too slow and i will die. Irrational? Probably. Impossible? No. That's why all of us worry about this! All the diseases we can get, and death... don't get me started on that. Doesn't help I'm an athiest and have severe DPDR. + + +God, The story of a boy who lived a sedentary lifestyle up until he was in Grade 9 and then overexercised and killed himself in the process. WTF. I don't want that to be my life story FFS. Just scared. The hospital nearest to me has a bad reputation and houses many drug addicts and is overall filled with sketchy patients so i wouldn't exactly feel safe there. But I'm hanging in there. It's late where i am, school tomorrow. Took 0.5mg Lorazepam about an hour ago. I hope i'll live to see tomorrow ;(",Anxiety +34293,"HELP: Do I have Toe Nail Fungus? https://www.dropbox.com/s/o2vmiq0r8copo39/Toenail%20fungus%3F.jpg?dl=0 in the picture in the link below, you'll see that I have a white streak on my toenail, and I've felt a tingling feeling in that toe. However, the feeling did go away. I also sprayed a bunch of bleach when I was cleaning my bathtub last night. Any chance this feeling is just the symptom of bleach possibly getting into my toenails, or is this actually a symptom of toenail fungus? + +https://www.dropbox.com/s/o2vmiq0r8copo39/Toenail%20fungus%3F.jpg?dl=0",Anxiety +34294,"Do I have an aneurysm? Why do I keep thingking my jugular vein is hemorrhaging? I am a 21 year old male. While I often get random stinging senations all over my body, and have gotten panic attacks for several diffirent reasons, my first panic attack, and main source of worry it would seem is my neck. My first panic attack was in the gym a few years ago when I was pushing myself which raised my heart rate, I felt a throbbing in my right jugular and convinced myself that I had burst it, aninhad somebody call the ambulance while hoping the blood transfusions would arrive in time. I hyperventilated on purpose to make up for the ""blood loss"", which made the experience worse and left me scrutinizing my beating and and feeling a drowning sensation for half a year. + +Sometime later I got some sort of cramp near my left jugular, which freaked my out so I went to the doctor, and they said my jugular was fine. Then less then a week ago I sneezed strongly which made my left jugular pulsate strongly, which freaked me out because... Well why only one side? + +Today I was at the supermarket, coughed strongly and felt pain in the left jugular when I did that. Within a few minutes I was about to pass out, my hands were cold, and my whole body was buzzing, which of course ""confirmed"" to me that I was in fact losing blood. I did mange to snap out of it but why won't this just go away?",Anxiety +34295,"I’m worried sick about melanoma Three years ago when I was twelve I had a blue speck on my heel. I remember thinking if I stepped on a marker or not. So one day (I don’t know how much later it was) I saw my foot and it was now bigger and now brown. I touched it and it peeled off. It left a little hole with normal skin underneath and healed up fine. This petrified me. It hasn’t happen again. I told some adults and they reassured me all was okay. Well I’m still horrified about it and I have been subtly for those three years. I really have never had anxiety this bad. I’m so so scared I don’t know what to do. I’m 16 now and practically hopeless to my situation, i can’t drive or pay for medical fees so i have to beg my parents to take me to the doctors. I feel hopeless and scared for my future. Please, please help me. ",Anxiety +34296,"Can't stop worrying of the flu/pneumonia? Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, it feels like I'm in a nightmare where a world exists that little kids and children are randomly dying of the flu. It breaks me heart and of course since i have this bad sore throat and coughs I'm convinced I have pneumonia now. Does anyone else have this problem of taking what other people have and making it yours? It'd just scare to think since everyone gets the flu so it'd not like it's rare or anything, that's the scariest part. Anyway I'm going to try to close my eyes and pretend I'm in a different place ",Anxiety +34297,"Throat Issues/Fears This is my first time posting on this subreddit... I've had some nasty health anxiety that's been going on since I had brief exposure to asbestos tile about a month ago during some home renovation. Ever since then, I've been convinced that I've acquired cancer of the mouth/throat. I recently went to the dentist to check out some mouth sores and bumps, and they were found to be nothing. + +For the last week and a half, I've had some issues with what feels like swallowing on my right side of my throat. No real pain, but also no lumps or bumps in my throat or neck to speak of. Recently though, I chose to feel in the back of my throats and felt what feels like cartilage/bone on the right side of my throat. It is a hard ridge, and doesn't appear on my left side. I don't have any pain, and haven't had any other symptoms to speak of. I'm wondering If anyone would have any idea what this is, or maybe it's just normal and I'm overly paranoid due to my recent health anxiety. + +My fiancé is a PA student and hasn't been overly concerned at all, and at my physical a month ago a blood test showed normal white blood cell count. I still can't stop thinking it's cancer though, and really looking for advice/help on this. I've been through a lot of stress lately, and just looking for some support. Any thoughts, help or support would be much appreciated. ",Anxiety +34298,"Random Small Scratch On My Hand ... Rabies? Hi, + +I was out walking today, around 12:00 noon, and when I passed a tree I heard a flapping of wings, but I didn't see if it was a bird. + +For some reason, I felt the need to check my hand, due to the slightest feeling I may or may not have made up in my head, and I regret ever deciding to so. I found a small scratch, with two little hole-like cuts about a centimeter apart with little scab linings connecting the holes. I'm deathly afraid that I got bitten by a bat and didn't really feel it. I'll include a picture of the cut as well. Does anyone have any information on bats and bat bites? I know that some are so tiny that they're hard to notice. + +https://ibb.co/czJvGS",Anxiety +34299,"Distrust of doctors and diagnoses - how to overcome? I've had quite severe health anxiety for a few years. It's hopped from one malady to another, and medical counsel/tests do not assuage it as I'm always convinced they've missed something. + +Most recently it's cancer - at first lymphoma, now cancer in general. I've visited specialists, GPs, had chest xrays and bloodwork, and finally a full CT scan with contrast. Despite the all clear in each instance, I spend a debilitating amount of energy on the anxiety they've missed something. Each diagnostic procedure seems to buy me a few weeks of calm before the terror and doubt returns. + +I do not have systemic symptoms of cancer and am in apparent good health save mild diagnosed GERD -- but compulsive google'ing assures me many healthy people in their early 30s are diagnosed with terminal cancer out of the blue, after numerous misdiagnoses etc. That GERD must be stomach cancer, the lymph node that swelled after a dental infection must be lymphoma, the doctors are brushing me off, the medical system in Korea is inadequate, the medical system in Australia is inadequate (I've carried this pattern through the doctor's offices of three nations!) + +I recognize the compulsive and anxious biases I'm operating on here, but I don't know how to change them. For those who have endured something similar - how do you learn to trust the doctors' ""all clear""? How do you trust that you would probably show some obvious symptoms in case of serious illness, and those symptoms would be correctly interpreted? + +I'm feeling exhausted and hopeless from the unending cycle of costly medical tests which produce little effect on my anxiety. Your advice is appreciated.",Anxiety +34300,Swollen glands for months I've had swollen glands under my jaw for months on end coming close to a year and it's worrying me. I've been ill a few times this year Chet infections and colds so this could be why but I don't know why they won't go down ,Anxiety +34301,"Absolutely terrified of having autism. Does anyone have fears of mental illness/ developmental delay? This would honestly be funny if it didn’t scare me so badly. I don’t really even know why it scares me this much, and I feel bad because autism isn’t strictly a negative. It’s just a different wiring of the brain that emphasizes different skills. It’s dumb, but I can’t help it. + +Last night I had a nightmare that I was actually autistic and that no one had ever told me so that I could live a more normal life. The whole thing shattered my perspective of myself in a way that was profoundly uncomfortable and was kind of from a third person view although I felt everything very intensely. I looked quite different, but the thing that freaks me out is that what if I actually do look like that and just have a very limited outside perspective of myself. I also saw a bunch of ways that maybe certain interactions I thought were normal may only have felt alright because I’m actually autistic. + +This all would just be a weird one off dream if I hadn’t been terrified of being autistic for a long period last summer. I would spend every break possible at my summer internship taking diagnostic tests to prove to myself that I don’t have it. I was an anxious mess. + +Since then, I’ve had a number of fears about having different mental illnesses (everything from schizophrenia to NPD to bipolar) and don’t know quite what to do about it. I think I have ocd, but I haven’t been able to go to therapy. + +Has anyone else had hypochondria about these specific themes? What strategies help you? + +Edit: I also know that I don’t have any of the symptoms, but I can’t help be afraid any way. ",Anxiety +34302,"Having flu. Body aches. I have the flu (i think), coughing, sore throat, headache - i don't care about that stuff, as long its just flu, but one symptoms of flu is body aches. I have body aches just normally which I can get stressed over, but now they are stronger. And the worst part is that the other symptoms of flu has mostly passed 1 day ago but I still have the body aches... damn. Which makes my brain think that the body aches might not be flu etc, you get the drift.. I don't know what i want, maybe see if someone can relate.. but yeah just wanted to write it down + + +edit: the pains are mostly in the abdomen area and sides. that's always the places i get aches. ",Anxiety +34303,"Did I tear my knee ligament again or am I making it up? Right ,so a year and a half ago,maybe two years ago,I tore my right knee ligament while playing an sport,and after half a year I recovered fully and eventually starting being active again. Then I tore it again last summer,and once again got out of rehab a few months after , however one evening when I was standing up I felt the same sudden pop and pain I felt last time....I tore it again. I'm now done with my third round of therapy,and I thought everything was fine ,but just now , I had to move quickly and then I felt a sudden pinching pain. It's not quite the pain I've felt before but I can't see it as a dumb coincidence. Of course this could also be the case that I just strained it and things will get better as the day progresses and I move more but idk :/ + +It should also be noted that I'm overweight by 40 pounds,18 years old",Anxiety +34304,"Overcoming exhaustion? First time poster here. I think it’s appropriate because I think a big part of this may be health anxiety related. + +I travel a lot for my job. It’s mid-feb and I’ve been in 5 cities in 2 countries already. I train and speak, so it’s energy intensive work. Not to mention flying all the time. I have two cross country trips - 5 flights - this week alone. + +I keep getting super sick. Last year I was not well - bronchitis, pneumonia - from early October through thanksgiving, then caught the flu in early December. Yesterday I started coming down with aches and sore throat, had to take a day off work to rest and am fully exhausted still. + +I don’t know if this is a real thing or if this is normal given the circumstances? I now have so much anxiety about staying healthy that I take all kinds of supplements and wear a mask in airports/planes. I was my hands every hour. I feel like such a freak but I’m so tired of being sick, I’ll do anything! + +I want to get stronger, but the exhaustion gets worse after I exercise. I’ll swim in a hotel pool or walk a few miles and just be crawling at the end of a really light workout. + +Any advice from folks who have overcome or learned to manage exhaustion gratefully received. + +I’m off to bed now but will check back in the morning.",Anxiety +34305,"Ear infection or something more? Hi all, this is sort of a follow up post from this: https://www.reddit.com/r/HealthAnxiety/comments/7xnd17/when_to_go_to_the_doctor_for_recurring_flu/ + +I woke up with ear pain this morning in addition to the other symptoms and I’ve had recurring ear infections for the past few years so I didn’t think it was related to everything else going on. The doctor said that it’s a middle ear infection and my lungs sounded clear, my throat looked fine, etc. so the fever and aches are all from the ear. While I was in the waiting room I went and replied to my post above. A few minutes after the receptionist called me up to the desk to get my doctors note for Work and when I got there I fainted—like full on blacked out, unconscious, woke up confused and surrounded by nurses, etc. I’ve fainted before but only when needles were involved. The doctor said I had low blood pressure and low blood sugar (probably true, I’ve had no appetite and have barely eaten) and the fainting was not because of the ear infection itself. I’m home now and my fever is still 100. I’m just worried because the ear pain didn’t even start until today but I’ve had the fever since yesterday. Do you guys think I need a second opinion or am I overanalyzing this?",Anxiety +34306,"Does anyone else have a rotating 'portfolio' of health worries? I've had a number of scares in the past year since I've identified my health anxiety. I wouldn't call any of them explicitly painful, but there's a distracting discomfort that's hard to shake and when a panic attack happens, the discomfort is magnified a hundredfold. + +My mind tends to focus on one of them at a time : my chest, my abdominal area, my tooth filling, and my testicle. Doctors have already told me that each of these areas are fine, and I'm mostly mentally stable with that, but when my anxiety flares up it tells me that the doctors didn't do enough tests, they just brushed it off as imagined anxiety pains or IBS because I'm young and the probability of something serious is low. It's like my anxiety constantly picks at my defenses to see if it can get a footing and crawl into my brain. + +I used to be a WebMD nut that would look up every odd symptom and have panic attacks. I still get freaked out by the odd thing; that I have a brain tumor every time I misspell a word or I flub some speech, for example. But I'm mostly sticking to the ones I know nowadays. + +Does anyone else have a 'portfolio' of half-resolved worries like this? Or does your anxiety mostly conjure up new symptoms? ",Anxiety +34307,"Been sick since Sunday, worried I have pneumonia Well, here we go. On Sunday I started feeling something in my throat, and the next morning I woke up feeling like total shit. Muscle aches, sore throat, all the fun stuff. My entire family has it now. No fever though. Now, I feel almost fine, but my throat fucking HURTS. Whenever I breath in deep or swallow I can feel it all along my throat into my chest, like right under my sternum. I'm not wheezing or anything, and I occasionally have a cough that brings up phlegm, but there's no blood in it or anything, it's kind of a greenish brown color. The cough hurts my throat as well. + +I'm just worried I'm dying of pneumonia or something. I've heard people say you definitely know when you have it because you get ridiculously sick, but I'm still worried :/ I called my doctor and they only have an opening today at 3, which I can't find a ride to get to. The next opening was Tuesday. Could I go to urgent care? + +If anyone has any advice, that be awesome. I just need some piece of mind.",Anxiety +34308,"Cross post with AskDocs -- random swelling?? Hello, + +I'm a 23-year-old female, non-smoker, otherwise healthy despite an insane amount of anxiety. I've had slightly swollen lymph nodes on my neck for a while, but doctors I've seen haven't been concerned because I weigh 116 pounds and have a really thin neck -- an ENT basically told me to dismiss it unless they actually get bigger. It's only one one side. During my appointment with the ENT though, I insisted she check my parotid glands because the left side of my face feels a bit swollen. She agreed, but said it could be caused by a ton of things. My cheek is a bit swollen on the inside, too. It's most notable right under my ear lobe, resting on my jaw. It feels like a lump that's noticeably bigger than the right side of my face. + +She referred me for an MRI with contrast, and suggested I cancel a sonogram I had scheduled because an MRI would be better, anyway (I did.) I haven't had that yet, but I'm really freaked out and wondering if there's anything else I should be concerned with or if I should take her advice to just chill. I've had ulcers on that side of the mouth before (12 at a time, two years ago, apparently caused by stress), I wore clear retainers for two years that could have caused swelling and I had impacted wisdom teeth removed 8 months ago. They were more impacted on that side of my mouth. I'm not sure what to do, just wondering if I'm going crazy or if I'm right to be concerned. Also, I'm more short of breath lately (not like, short of breath in a way where I'm sweaty and my heart's beating fast. Short of breath like my throat feels tight.) But that could be caused by anxiety, too. Thanks for you help.",Anxiety +34309,"Head nodding tic - will it cause long term damage? Hey all + +I've had several nervous tics for years, the one that I've had recently has been shaking and nodding of my head, like not just a nod of the head, it's like nodding my head forward with force + +Will this seriously damage my brain? To be honest, with my health anxiety, do I really want to be asking this? xD do I want to know the answer haha + +Charlie",Anxiety +34310,"How were you diagnosed with HA? Does Medication help? Just wondering how you guys were diagnosed with HA, and if you were prescribed any medication that helped with your symptoms, I’ve been told I’m suffering from anxiety but haven’t been diagnosed yet ",Anxiety +34311,"Testicular cancer About a year ago I noticed a lump on top of my testicle. Two urologist vists later. I was told he's 99% sure it's appendicitis of the teste because there's no blood flow it the lump. My concern is that it's cancer because that testicle is larger and thicker then my other and it occasionally becomes very sore after masterbation, thoughts? + +Edit: it should also be noted I'm 18 years old ",Anxiety +34312,"Getting over being sick, weird things are happening So I'm getting over being sick. Went to the doctors yesterday and he said my temp was 99.1, and that I probably have a virus of some kind, and that he thinks I'm recovering and that I should be feeling better in a few days. Well, this morning I woke up DRENCHED in sweat. So much so that my hands were pruned. I thought that was strange, but I got up and took a shower and started relaxing in my room. Well, like 6 hours later, my hands are still slightly pruned. I've been drinking plenty of water but it's still happening, and it's freaking me the fuck out. Other than that, I feel almost totally fine. I've also been having loose stools. + +Another thing is that I have absolutely zero appetite. I started getting sick Monday and my appetite has been gone since. I just feel weird, like.....slow and foggy. I've been forcing myself to eat food as much as I can, but absolutely nothing sounds appealing. + +I'm having a fucking meltdown right now. I'm freaking out about why my hands are pruned, why I woke up so sweaty, why I still don't have an appetite, and why I feel so weird. Has anyone had anything like this happen? I'm convinced I'm dying of something or have pneumonia, even though my doctor said my lungs sounded fine.",Anxiety +34313,"What are ypur favorite natural ways ways of taking care of a cold? I've been been dealing with allergies/congestion on and off since fall. But a few days ago I've been dealing with a shitty cold. I'm dealing with a sore throat, sinus and chest congestion, sternum pain, head pressure, sneezing ect. I'm scared of taking cold medication because I once had a bad reaction from Sudafed. I'm looking for some effective natural remedies that can lessen my symptoms. +*sorry for typo in title",Anxiety +34314,"Found a 2cm long ""stick"" in my stool and I'm genuinely concerned Hey everyone, + +So as I mentioned in the title I just had a BM and found this stuff in it. + +I took pictures and I'm freaking out since I'm thinking it's a worm but its straight and not moving. It's about 5mm in diameter. + +Please help + +X-post from r/medical",Anxiety +34315,"Is this “Anxiety”? I’ve never considered myself an anxious person. +Starting probably last week, I’ve had a strange urge/feeling to breath deep, as if to catch my breath. It’s like the feeling of turning the water on cold in the shower. Once I take that deep breath, it goes away for a bit, then usually comes back until I do it again. Yawning makes it go away as well. + +It’s weird, it feels like I am now consciously thinking about breathing (which I have never really done before). Sometimes feels like my throat is tight, and sometimes this whole thing even makes me lightheaded. + +I’ve been the the doc, had an EKG, Chest X-ray, all checks out ok. Curious if I am experiencing anxiety? Is this a symptom? Any help would be appreciated!! ",Anxiety +34316,"In anger,I pressed hard against my temples with most might. Is it gonna be fatal? My left temple is fine,I feel no pain but in right one I feel it’s swollen or has a dent,right side of my skull is feeling dizzy. Am I alright?",Anxiety +34317,"Health anxiety makes everyday tasks so difficult Some background about my health anxiety history - I’ve had severe health anxiety intermittently since my teens. Most often I am preoccupied with my heart. My heart rate has always jumped up quickly (~180ish bpm) with minimal exercise or even at times of rest, but my resting heart rate is usually 45-55 bpm. I mention numbers just because my heart rate is a little atypical-but I have been checked out by cardiologists so many times over the past 15 years, always with the reassurance that I am fine. Most recently, this past summer I wore a 30 day holter monitor where they would measure my episodes of high heart rate. They also did a stress test, numerous ekgs, etc. They confirmed I had periods of sinus tachycardia, but it was normal rhythm and said I was healthy. They said the heart was appropriately responding and was likely beating fast because of anxiety (which I don’t think is the whole story, I think I have a food allergy which can trigger it, but that’s beside the point.). They gave me a low dose of beta blockers to take as needed for comfort/anxiety, but promised I wouldn’t have a heart attack, with or without the pills. + +Anyways, to bring my story to today, I’ve been putting off doing laundry for far too long. Im embarrassed to admit I have been buying new clothes to prolong my laundry chore. The issue is in my apartment I have to carry my laundry down a few flights of stairs, outside and into another building. After it’s clean I have to carry it again outside and then up a few flights of stairs. The laundry basket is heavy and my heart races so fast when I do this, and I panic. + +I just did a load and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I sat down with a glass of water and within 60 seconds my heart rate was back in the 70s. I remind myself that my stress test was normal, even when they brought my heart rate to 190 for several minutes. But I am still so freaked out. I have several more loads to do and I’m so afraid. + +I know part of the answer is that I am incredibly out of shape and weak. This is not coincidence -I am extremely avoidant of anything that raises my heart rate , and am terrified of exercising. I stopped wearing my Fitbit a few months ago (at the urging of my therapist) because I obsessively measured my heart rate and was even afraid of standing up/walking - I believed if my heart rate went above 80 it would trigger a heart attack. Taking off my Fitbit was one of the scariest things I’ve done but now that it’s been a few months I feel SO much better. I do my best not to measure heart rate now and have been going on more walks, but lifting anything makes me feel my heart rate and I can’t ignore it. I just feel so stuck and like I can’t keep up with basic chores. I feel like a failure of an adult. + +I don’t know what I’m asking for, this is mostly a rant. I’ve been lurking this subreddit for months and it’s brought me a lot of comfort. Health anxiety is such a difficult illness but this community helps me feel less alone. + +TLDR: my health anxiety is about my heart rate/heart attacks. Basic chores like laundry elevate my heart rate and cause panic and avoidance. Feel like I can’t keep up with life. ",Anxiety +34318,"My silly panic attack last night I'm sharing this panic attack story because I feel it represents health anxiety and might help you all to cope with physical symptoms. This might be a little long. + +I had had a stressful day at work and had also done an anxiety no-no and googled my irregular period symptoms I have been having recently. Needless to say this all made me panicky by the evening. + +When I got home I vented to my husband, smoked some high cbd low thc cannabis and worked out for an hour hoping that would calm me. It worked for the most part until bedtime. + +I was laying in bed surfing the interwebs before I fell asleep when it happened. A weird physical sensation. Felt like my throat went numb. Now I had experienced this symptom before about a year ago and at that moment I had forgotten about that. A year ago I had a full neurological check up including an MRI. Of course all results were negative and I was fine. In the moment though I couldn't remember that. + +So I started to get nervous. Is it a stroke or seizure? Is my throat closing in anaphylactic shock? I had to check to be sure. So I shove my my finger into the back of my throat feeling around. I'm pushing in really far and playing with my uvula. I can feel everything. Good okay. Throat's not numb. But wait, why am I not gagging? Thats weird. My finger's digging in but I'm not gagging at all. I think you all can guess what I did next, right? Yup, I googled it. + +What came up was horrifying. The worst results I have ever seen from Googling symptoms. Then BAM! Heart starts racing, my face goes numb and I start to shake uncontrollably. I start calling my husband's name telling him I think he should call 911. Luckily I recognize the shaking and racing heart as a panic attack and not a part of the symptoms mentioned on Google. + +My husband was a champ! He got me started on deep breathing and began to comfort me. I started to calm the panic attack pretty quickly but what I saw on Google still screamed in my head. I wondered if I could wait to go to urgent care in the morning or if I really should go to the er now. + +I always worry about the boy who cried wolf kinda symptoms. Like I keep getting weird symptoms and it's always nothing but the one time I should have gone to the er I ignored it instead. I'm sure we've all been there. + +I explain to my husband what triggered the panic attack and he insists I'm fine. Its at this point I remember I've had the numb throat feeling before and had negative MRI results. But I had never stuck my finger down my throat. Maybe if they had known I couldn't gag they would have done another test or know other symptoms to diagnose me. + +As my panic attack subsided I got up to use the bathroom. Away from my husband I tried to make myself gag with my finger again. Nothing. Next, however, I jammed my toothbrush down my throat and GAG! Oh sweet relief! I can gag! Turns out, after testing it out, I can't gag myself with my own finger. Or at least it's really hard to. +I had jumped to conclusions because, well, how often does a person try to gag themself with their finger? + +I think a lot of our symptoms are like this. We become so sensitized and aware of our bodies we notice things we never paid attention to before and then freak out fearing the worst, or Googling it. These are really just normal body sensations that most people are able to ignore or not even feel. + +I should have kept the fact I had a rough day in the back of my mind and taken a minute or two after I had noticed the first symptom to see if it went away by distracting myself. And never ever ever Google a symptom! NEVER! I know we know this, and I know how hard it is not to, but don't, and don't body check your symptoms either. Distract or truly objectively analyze your symptoms. More often than not they will go away or not be nearly as strong as they first felt. + +This was my first panic attack in over a year and I'm not letting it get me down. It has reassured me that while uncomfortable, panic attacks aren't dangerous. It also allows me to recognize my symptoms of stress leading up to an attack so next time I can perform more stringent self-care before it snowballs into an attack. These moments are only making it easier for me to recover from anxiety, not making it worse. Stay strong everyone! ",Anxiety +34319,"Just have to get this out Female, 33 years old, BMI 23 + +April 2017 I got a cough/cold. I continued coughing on and off for months, mostly in the morning, no other symptoms (ie no weight loss, no fatigue). In October, after several months personal upheaval I managed to go to the Doctor who sent me for a chest x-ray just to rule out an infection. Chest x-ray comes back with what the radiologist says could be a chest infection so it's recommended that I take antibiotics. + +I take a week of amoxicillin, on the 4th day I start getting a rash on my hands and feet which starts creeping up my limbs on the following days. I call my Dr who recommends that we switch to a different antibiotic (sorry, don't remember which one it was). I take that for a week. After the course is over I'm still coughing, mostly in the morning. + +I go back to my Dr who sends me for another chest x-ray which comes back with no indication of infection and then my Dr sends me on to a respiratory medicine specialist. + +Respiratory medicine Dr orders blood tests, chest CT scan and a breathing test. Blood tests have come back with borderline high levels of IgM and I am FREAKING out about what this means. No results from anything else yet. + +Respiratory medicine Dr thinks I have reflux and has put me on 40mg of an acid reducer. At no point did she say she thinks I have any signs of anything life threatening. + +I'm just so scared. I've always been a hypochondriac, and I am finding it really hard waiting for the results from all these tests. +",Anxiety +34320,"this sounds stupid RAS?? (FIRST TIME EVER POSTING ON REDDIT.) + +I've been lurking on here knowing I shouldn't. I know reading your guys posts will not help my recovery. I also know posting won't either, but tonight I don't care. I really need someone to tell me they know what I'm talking about. Okay so at night I have this weird thing happen to me. I can only describe it as RLS - but it's NOT in my legs. It's in my arms and the back of my head?? It's like my arms are tickley. It feels like there's millions of bugs under my skin but they also feel light. Like feathers or jello. So hard to describe. I will wake up with it in the middle of the night/early morning and just lay there thinking im going to die until I have to go to work..nothing i do stops it and it's been months. I'll have it for a couple weeks then it will go away but a few weeks later its back. I've been thinking I have MS or a brain tumor forever now (and more symptoms keep popping up) but nobody listens...I've been to the doctor 27 times (for many of things) in the past 6 months and I keep getting the ""you're perfectly healthy"" although I've never got a CT scan or MRI. they've done neurological ""tests"" (eyes and strength/balance things) and then said theres no need to do scans and put radiation in my body for no reason. I've tried looking this up many of times with no answers. I'm scared of a wrong diagnosis. If they are right then HOW can anxiety cause this? How. it doesn't make sense. I'm terrified and exhausted. Normally I'd be more frantic but I've been laying here for hours already and I'm just getting tired and pissed at this point. How come all my anxiety stems from being scared to die, but I don't want to exist anymore?..",Anxiety +34321,"A method I use to reduce my health anxiety Hiv + +Gonorrhea + +Chlymedia + +Mouth cancer + +Bacterial infection + +Stomach cancer + +Throat cancer + +Herpes + +Going blind + +Going deaf + +Intestinal parasites + +IBS + +Heart defect + +Lung cancer + +In no particular order all of these have been individual cases of my health anxiety since April last year where I have genuinely believed without a shadow of a doubt I have got and began to process the self diagnosis as the truth and you know what... +NOT A SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN CORRECT!!!!!!! + +Now I look at this list everytime I begin to self diagnose again. Not googling symptoms has also had a massive improvement. +I've also noticed that it is when I have a lot of downtime that I get my health anxiety back and it is virtually non existent when I'm super busy as my brain has something to focus on. + +Hope this helps someone! :)",Anxiety +34322,"Placebo effect I take vitafusion womens multivitamins and I notice increased energy. However it has things like 300% DV of B-12 which sounds like overkill. I eat very healthy and try to eat a balanced diet, but I notice that when I stop taking the vitamins for more than two days I start to feel tired. Maybe its other factors that are causing that tired feeling. I know that you pee out excess vitamins, but ive read that vitamins arent really necessary if you eat well. I was thinking of only taking it on days that I felt like I wasnt eating a balanced diet and was lacking in certain areas. Any advice?",Anxiety +34323,"Advice? Life's become quite hard worrying about heart attacks I'm 19, 6'1 and about 75kg. I've drank loads of energy drinks in my life and I'm a bit lethargic, I don't do anything deliberately to exercise. But I'm not fat and I don't eat too badly and whatever. No family history of heart attacks at all that I know of, just a lot of cancer. But the past 5 months, literally every day I worry I'm having a heart attack. Whenever I get a bit of chest pain I sieze up and think ""Right, this is it"". And I was never a worrier before this, I'm a really confident person, don't mind getting up on a stage at all. Yet I spend a lot of my days worried shitless about heart attacks now. I went to hospital a few months ago and had a lot of tests done and they said they'd found nothing wrong with me. I had an ECG (I think it's called EKG in America?), blood test, chest x-ray, ultrasound in my belly, obviously the doc checked me out with a stethoscope, and they couldn't find anything wrong. Yet the worry didn't go away. Over Christmas it got really bad, I got scared just walking down the stairs thinking it'd kill me. I do get chest pain and I do think it's real and probably happens worse/more frequently to me than most people, but it's probably just indigestion or something, right? I do eat quite a lot of spicy food and I like fizzy drinks. I don't worry much about other things like cancer, I don't worry about them as much as I should. I just worry about heart attacks and suddenly dying. I always feel uncomfortable in my torso and I'm not sure if there's something wrong the doctors haven't found or if if's purely anxiety. I'm not prone to heart conditions or to anxiety, which came first? Which one is real? I feel a pain in my chest and I get a shooting pain down my left arm fairly often, isn't it natural for me to worry about that? I might have a heart condition that's only detectable when I move around and walk and get the heart going a bit more. + +Dunno why I worry about silly shit I can't control. All I know is I have to walk 20 minutes to class this morning and I know the whole time I'm gunna be having mini panic attacks thinking any second I'm going to die. I'm not going to die, right? + +Tl;dr I'm not at risk of heart attack but I worry about it a lot because I get a lot of chest pain. Doctors can't find anything wrong with me. I'm not usually an anxious person but I worry about this more than I probably should. How do I cope? What's wrong with me?",Anxiety +34324,"My vision is blurry and I think I have MS This is a lot so bear with me. And it's mostly a vent because I'm absolutely fucking terrified. + +Last Saturday I woke up with weirdly blurred vision in my right eye. I have pretty bad eyesight to begin with, but this was different. I thought it was because I was hungover or something, but it didn't go away. I made the mistake of googling and holy shit I'm losing my mind. Everything I'm experiencing, the blurry vision, the color distortion, the eye pain, is consistent with optic neuritis- which is usually the first symptom of MS. I'm so fucking terrified and I can't shake the feeling that I just found my death sentence. + +I went to the eye doctor and he said he didn't see any damage in my eye, but he wants me to go back in tomorrow and see if anything has changed. Which it hasn't. I still can't see worth a damn out of that eye. He said I might have to get an MRI which I'm convinced is going to show that my brain is full of lesions and tumors and all sorts of awful things. + +Anyway there's not a lot of point to this but I'm a major hypochondriac and I'm not in any way ready to deal with the fact that there could actually be something wrong with me. I can't focus on anything and I've spent all day crying. I'm usually at least able to say ""well, I'm probably jumping to conclusions and it could be this instead"" but literally everything I read said that I have MS. And even on the MS sub there's tons of posts where people had the same symptom as me as their first sign of the disease. It's a lot to handle and I'm not doing well. + +Thanks for reading if you made it this far.",Anxiety +34325,"Weird body sensation I've been going through a bad batch of anxiety the past month or so. + +At one point I was so anxious my fight or flight response kicked in for about a week and I've struggled to get rid of all of those symptoms. Which in turn has led me to believe I'm hypomanic which adds to the anxiety. + +Anyways, every once in awhile I'll get this very weird bodily sensation that is very hard to describe. It almost feels like my whole body and head feels numb/tingly but also heavy. It always makes me think of clay stress balls - this association always pops into my head which makes me even more anxious that I'm 'losing my mind'. Or like silly putty when you 'snap' it vs stretch it. The longest it's lasted is a few minutes. But now it happens for maybe a minute at most because instantly I start fretting about what it is and seem to scare myself out of it. + +Could this be related to anxiety, or something deeper? Anyone experience anything similar? Or does it sound like dpdr or a hallucination or the beginnings of mania/psychosis?",Anxiety +34326,"Left thigh pain/tingle/numbness Since I was 19 (29 now) I have had tingling and numbness in my upper left thigh/leg. When I was 19 I went to the Dr, he picked up my leg patted it and said looks like a healthy 19 year old leg to me. I am starting to get concerned because the pain has been getting more severe and I am worried it is something major. Anyone else experience this?",Anxiety +34327,"Worried sick. So. I have had health anxiety very bad since I was a kid. Around 22 years of dealing with this since my dad died out of the blue from a heart attack when I was almost 8. + +It ranges from cancer to HIV to ALS and everything in between it seems like. + +So. On Friday last week. I noticed that I had a lymph node under my jaw on my right side that is swollen. So swollen to the point it's visible to me and other people. + +Last night I went to the ER because I was freaking out so bad. They told me I had strep throat and the flu and that's what was causing it. But, I really have symptoms of neither. Other than a few red streaks on my throat I can see with a flashlight. No sore throat, no fever, no cough. + +Should I just trust the doctor? I really just need some calming down here. I trusted him for like 30 mins and then went back to the whole ""well, what if they got it wrong or got my tests mixed up with someone else's thing that I do a lot. I am at my wits end right now. ",Anxiety +34328,"Worried Hey so I’ve been a hypochondriac for quite some time now. A few days ago I slept with this guy and even though I used a condom and I’m on birth control I’m worried I may be pregnant. My period still hasn’t come yet but it can also be irregular sometimes due to my birth control, ( I’m on Nexplanon). I read online that taking high amounts of Vitamin C and taking Dong Qaui and Black Cohosh supplements can help with miscarriage. I started taking 2 capsules of 568 mg of Dong Qaui and 2 capsules of 540 mg of Black Cohosh every 2 hours and 5,000 mg of Vitamin C since Monday. I was also pressing down hard on my uterus a few days ago and now my uterus is tender to the touch, I’m experiencing nausea, lightheadedness and racing heart rate. The nausea, lightheadedness and racing heart rate could be due to my anxiety but I don’t know. + +I realize that what I did was stupid and I stopped taking the supplements but now I’m worried what if I injured myself my pressing down too hard on my stomach? I’m thinking of maybe going into urgent care tomorrow and I’m also scared to tell my doctor, I feel like at times she really judges me for having anxiety. I also feel so ashamed and stupid right now and I’m so scared I hurt myself",Anxiety +34329,"Health anxiety for other people After a lifetime of obsessing over my own symptoms (currently “have” colon cancer and/or ovarian cancer, btw), I’m now completely convinced my husband has head and neck cancer. He has been clearing his throat more than usual and is in a risk group for that particular cancer. He’s 37 and otherwise healthy so he’s not dashing off to the doctor, but I now have a strong anxiety response *every time he clears his throat* and I’m making myself and him a nervous wreck. Like, I KNOW he has it, and am envisioning how the entire narrative will play out. What horrible thoughts! + +This is the first I’ve dealt with the hell of health anxiety for other people. I didn’t think it was possible to have any LESS control :( ",Anxiety +34330,"Premature Heart Beats This is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I have had premature atrial contractions, premature junctional contraction, and premature ventricular contractions for like 4 years now. At one point I was in bigeminy for 1.5 months. Scariest and most depressing time of my life. I could not leave the house and was in constant discomfort. I went to every doctor and they all claimed they were benign. Cut out this, add this, don't exercise too much, exercise more. + +This is what gives me Health anxiety. There's nothing I can do about it. All my doctors including my Mayo cardiologist and electrophysiologist says an ablation would more than likely make things worse. So I live with these day in and day out. I've tried everything. The best thing I have is magnesium glycinate + +What do you do when the something you can't fix.? But you still have to go on. I'm not even worried about them killing me but they caused me so much discomfort that it affects my quality of life. I don't see an answer to this. + +Health anxiety to something that is actually physically happening to you but is considered benign truly sucks. Sorry for the rant",Anxiety +34331,"Blood test anxiety I just had my blood taken for my upcoming physical. I am worried sick about going in to have the physical and finding out if my blood work found something. I feel like I would just crumble into a heap. Just thinking I might have something wrong is so frightening to me!! I’ve had health anxiety for many years and it seems to get worse as time goes on. If it was maybe one appointment a year I might be able to deal with it but it’s seeing the gp every six months, gynecologist, dentist, mammogram, etc. I’m at my wits end with worry and just want to cancel.",Anxiety +34332,"New to this Hey all, +I’m new to Reddit but some recent health concerns have made me feel like I should reach out to some objective people for my situation. I’m 24 years old and before a little over a week ago, I thought I was in great health. A little over a week ago I started noticing heart palpitations (didn’t know what it was called for a while) and chest pain. I thought this would just go away but it didn’t after a couple of days. Then I had my first and second ever anxiety attacks. These were scary but I felt like I was anxious about my palpitations because they lasted all day and night. My pulse was constantly 20 bpm faster than it used to be, and the chest ache and pain lasted almost 24 hours. I’ve seen doctors and nurses and I’ve had a chest X-ray, blood work, and CT done and they didn’t find anything abnormal. I’ve been tracking my blood pressure as well and it’s constantly in the 150/90 range and today (during a snow day) Ive been laying in bed and the pain and palpitations are feeling worse than ever and my BP was 160/110 and my pulse 105. I had a Holter monitor and I’m waiting to hear the results. I also started seeing a counselor. I don’t consciously feel anxious, and my symptoms last all day and all night. I’m waiting for my next doctors appointment but I’m just reaching out because I feel worse day after day and just wanted to see if anyone else has been through something similar to this. + +Thanks",Anxiety +34333,"Anyone else scared of the flu and frustrated with the advice to ""protect yourself"" by washing your hands? So scared of flu. I'm so tired of these articles on protecting yourself from the flu. What scared me is that sometimes you have to be aorund other people and you can't help it. I got the flu because I was on the subway and a lady coughed in my face, it was a crowded car. I couldn't get away. Washing my hands won't do shit. I am so scared to leave the house because the flu is deadly. And people will infect me. ",Anxiety +34334,"This phrasing of Sutton's Law helps me in tough times ""An uncommon presentation of a common disease is more common than a common presentation of an uncommon disease.""",Anxiety +34335,"Heart palpitated once and it has been hurting since Yesterday, my heart did this weird beat as if it skipped like four beats. It felt bubbly to me, it was a weird feeling. It wasn't a normal palpitation to me. My heart has literally been hurting since yesterday afternoon. I have a hard time breathing in deep.",Anxiety +34336,"Massive abdominal pains for the last 2 days... Hi guys, + +I'm in a pretty bad state right now. For the last 2 days I've been having really big and sometimes debilitating pain in my abdomen area. It first started around the side of my abdomen kind of like a stitch, then throughout the day it slowly travelled to the middle just above my belly button. Last night the pain travelled down to my lower right which instantly got me worked up thinking of appendicitis. + +Phoned 111 and they recommended I go to the local A&E. The blood test was fine and the doctor said he doesn't think it's appendicitis. The problem is this pain has been so intense for the last 2 days and it doesn't seem to stop, just travel around my abdomen a bit, but is very intense in the lower right at the moment. + +Any idea what this could be?",Anxiety +34337,"I've had health anxiety since 2012, i've been learning to manage it pretty well over the last couple years. Today I had a bit of a relapse so I wrote something to get my confidence back. Over the last 5 years I have had: + +-Schizophrenia +-Pancreatic cancer +-Multiple Hernias +-Testicular cancer +-Urinary tract infections +-Blood clots / DVT +-Pulmonary embolism +-Heart attacks +-Angina +-Stomach Ulcers +-Misaligned vertebrae and ribs +-Meningitis +-Bradycardia and Tachycardia +-Brain Tumors +-TMJ +-Aching shoulders, neck, back +-GERD and food intolerances + +Somehow I have survived all of these... + +My symptoms were: + +-Headaches +-Insomnia +-Shortness of breath +-Palpitations +-Racing thoughts +-Indigestion +-Tight aching muscles +-Dizziness + +My treatment for these was: + +-Constantly checking pulse and breathing +-Checking for symmetry +-pushing and prodding where I felt it hurt until it did hurt +-Twisting and turning until I felt that symptom again +-Avoiding anything that I believed would make my symptoms worse (flying, eating certain foods, exercising too much or too little) +-and most importantly googling for the exact scenario I believed to be true e.g. 'headache above left ear associated with brain cancer' or 'sore achilles hill sign of DVT' + +I have (literally) spent $1000's on: + +-GP's (who always tell me the same thing) +-Physios +-Chiros +-Missed work +-Miracle cures (e.g. magnesium, vitamin B, etc...) +-Dietitians +-Ambulances + +All to conquer my 'Sicknesses' + +The reality is though... + +I was sick in 2012, I was truly diagnosed with Graves disease, + +and although very treatable (and it has been treated). + +it scared me to my core. + +I became overaware of every sensation in my body and thought in my mind. + +I believed that I needed to be aware to ensure I would survive. + +This habit manifested itself into my true and worst alement health anxiety. + +Health anxiety has stole time and experiences from me for 5 years. + +It made me doubt myself. + +It made me loathe myself. + +It crippled me. + +However, I have been getting my life back over the last 2 years. + +But it has taken effort, commitment and the realisation that this is here with me still (at least for the time being) and without consistent maintenance i'll end up back where I was. + +Some days it still wins, but with each month those days get less and less. + +My health anxiety no longer and will never again define who I am. + ",Anxiety +34338,"Scared I have mouth cancer, at 19. Background, so I've been out at college since August, been to a couple of parties, and took up smoking, why, because it looks cool. There I admit it. I would say I've been smoking since around Octber or November. I smoke maybe half a pack every other weekend, if that. Maybe have one or two on the side, here and there, but I wouldn't consider myself a smoker. I've noticed a sore in my mouth, it's all white, doesn't look harmful. I think it's a canker sore, as I've been drinking coffee like hell these past couple of weeks, sometimes without regard for how hot it is. Is it possible to get mouth cancer after smoking maybe two or three packs of smokes in total in my life, or am I just freaking out over a little blister? Thanks for the help. ",Anxiety +34339,"Fear of Brain Damage My health anxiety has completely debilitated me for the past four months due to worry that I damaged my brain from drinking for years. I constantly test my memory and feel it is declining rapidly. I have trouble picturing things from seconds ago in my mind, all my memories no matter how distant or recent feel insanely foggy, time is flying by as I feel I’m not forming new memories, and I often can’t remember if I did something today or the day before even if it was just a few hours ago. Scarier symptoms involve me feeling confused and unfamiliar with my own family, house, dog, etc. and feeling like I have to remind myself where I am or where I’m going. I have brief moments of confusion where I have to piece everything together and constant memories that have nothing to do with what I’m doing (which lead me to a fear of seizures that I ended up being tested for) that have happened for he past few years when I was super anxious. + +I have had an MRI, CT, PET, 3 day eeg, and neuropsych testing and everything came back good but I can’t believe my symptoms are just anxiety and derealization since it feels it’s progressively getting worse over the past few months (which I barely have any memories of). I honestly feel I have severe short term memory loss and have posited thy maybe I was having seizures and brain damage from alcohol but the neurologist, psychiatrist, GP, neuropsych and therapists all don’t think so. + +I have in the past believed I had HIV, liver failure, mouth cancer, throat cancer, and other ailments and of course they all ended up being false but this one feels so much more real. Has anyone else ever had extreme memory issues just because of anxiety?",Anxiety +34340,"Flu vs. Cold For the past few days, I've had a moderate fever that comes and goes, up to 101.2 F (Starting on Wednesday), coughing (first dry, now with phlegm), a sore throat (started Saturday, went away Thursday), night sweats, chills, stuffy/runny nose and sneezing. I am not exhausted and am able to leave the house easily, and can stay active. What do you suspect this is? I'm scared I'll go into Septic Shock and die.",Anxiety +34341,"Rabies anxiety So, I have pretty severe rabies anxiety, which usually only acts up in the summer. I'm lucky in that I don't really worry about cats or dogs, since I next to never interact with them, but I'm absolutely *terrified* of a rabid bat getting into my room and biting me without my knowing it. We've had bats in our house twice now, and maybe two or three years ago, finally did an exclusion in our attic and had a professional go around and seal everything up. + +I haven't slept with my window open at night for several years now, but last night, I left it open by mistake until around 4 in the morning; which, naturally, set off my anxiety. I have a screen on my window, which sort of sets against a little interior strip of wood, but it isn't tightly sealed, and there's one side that's actually quite loose (big enough that a bat *probably* could get through). + +I'm trying to be very logical about this, but I'm struggling. I was in my room basically all night until I went to bed (at around 4 AM), and never saw a bat, or heard anything against the screen, but just *knowing* that my window was open, and what if a bat got in while I wasn't looking or when I left the room or something? Reasonably, I know a sick bat wouldn't be able to get back out if one had gotten in, and I don't think there's any way I *wouldn't* notice a bat flying around -- healthy or otherwise! -- but it's very hard to convince myself of that.",Anxiety +34342,"Freaking out about chipping a tooth I was eating a hamburger today and I felt a crack in the back of my mouth. I made the burger (from a premade frozen patty), and I didn't season it with anything that could make a cracking noise. Now I'm freaking out, worried that I cracked a tooth. I can't feel anything obvious, but I am noticing an asymmetry in the shape of one of my rearmost teeth when feeling it with my tongue.",Anxiety +34343,"Can't stop worrying For the past few weeks I've been having flashing in my vision. It's usually a very small white light that appears for a split second then goes away once I try to look at it. Well ever since that started happening I've like been sent over the edge and am almost constantly worrying that I have a myriad of neurological diseases, from a stroke to retinal detachment to a brain tumor. I've also been having stomach pains like nausea for the past few days but I'm not sure if im making up phantom nausea because I'm worried I have a brain tumor. I also have had some on and off mild headaches but like I said above I could just be imagining it into existence. I went in yesterday for a full eye exam and the optomologist said my eyes, retina and all are in perfect condition. Because of this I am now more than ever convinced I have a brain tumor and am about to die. Sorry for the rant I just needed somewhere to vent. + + +tl;dr I have been having eye problems and am worried I have all of the eye issues.",Anxiety +34344,"A whole slew of problems... Normal? I've been dealing with anxiety since September, specifically generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Since then I've had a few recurring symptoms that my first doctor had waved off to anxiety, but since then have gotten more common. I will be talking to a new doctor soon since I need to get back on meds after my last attempt ended, so I will be talking to them about this, but wanted others' opinions/experiences too, for comfort especially. + +I had a huge fear of contracting rabies since I work with animals. I know this is not logical, since any animal that has ever scratched me (I've never been bit) has not had rabies, and since even though I exhibited some general symptoms that happened to line up with rabies, I've been this way since September. So, I'd be dead by now. + +Some of those symptoms are, like I said, pretty general and line up with anxiety-related symptoms. Minor muscle twitching, ""foggy"" thinking, being irritable, trouble swallowing/dry mouth (has never impaired eating/drinking), etc. I also have had a totally random symptom from those, which is sharp, short-lived pains in my chest, and now they're along my lower abdomen and uterus. + +My new doctor has seen me once for chest pains when they wouldn't stop one day. She said everything sounded fine as far as my heart and lungs, I wasn't experiencing limited breathing, and the pain wasn't long-lived and was sharp, not like a pressure or anything. She was hoping it was from acid reflux, which I was having issues with, but after a month of medicine for that, I'm still having that. + +Has anyone else had sharp chest pains from anxiety? I've had stomach pains from stress/anxiety, but have any ladies also had pains in their uterine/ovarian area from it? ",Anxiety +34345,"New Here Hey there! So, I've been lurking around for a few days and thought I should I produce myself. +I'm a 33 year old stay at home mom to 2 boys. I was diagnosed with GAD at 16. I was on medicine for less than a year, but quit taking it due to not liking the way it made me feel (and not liking my dr, so I didn't want to go back). The anxiety seemed to calm down until my second son was born. I had my first panic attack 5 years ago, but thankfully don't have them often. The health anxiety started around that time too. In August 2016, I finally realized that things were getting bad and asked my gp for help for help and was put on medication and started seeing a counselor. Then my husband went through some job changes, in 2017, and of course lost insurance for 3 months each time. Then in October he accepted a job offer that moved us from Texas to the Midwest. My anxiety was behaving itself during the move and I thought that just maybe it would leave me alone. No such luck. By December, my anxiety was a houseguest of my brain that wouldn't leave. I made an appointment to talk to a dr next week, but now I've found out that she is a clinical social worker? I currently don't have insurance, but I feel that my current way of living is just not working and want to go back on the medicine. Every time I feel an ache, pain, tickle, or sniffle, I freak out. Worse, I'm doing the same thing to my kids and husband. I'm hoping to find a bit of community here and maybe one day, we will all be anxiety free! + +(I'm sorry this is so long!)",Anxiety +34346,"Its like I am at war with my heart Hey people. 27m here. I have had panic attacks 7 years ago. I had severe anxiety for a year, then I used antidepressants, got a girlfriend and stabilized my anxiety for many years. I still had episodes of severe anxiety/stress and depression but it never turned into full blown health anxiety that triggered panic attacks and major anxiety symptoms until recently. + +I have been very stressed thees past months and I finally had multiple panic attacks within the span of a month. Ended up in the ER 2 times. So as a person experienced with it, I thought I can overcome it more easily and systematically this time. Took some anxiety episodes like a boss, started SSRI(which elevated anxiety so far) and tried to fix things again. + +So my last barrier was to exercise as it had been a major weapon for me to overcome my health anxiety. Today I tried to go for a run but was breathless and my chest was hurting(due cold I guess? I don't know) pretty bad. I became anxious and dizzy. My dizziness went on for hours and I think I still have it. + +I am 27 and I had ECGs done during 2 of my attacks where the doctor told me it is not a heart attack this past month. + +But this dizziness thing and basically whenever I measure my blood pressure it turning out quiet high at around 15 - 9/10 whenever I go to a doctor to have it measured is freaking me out. + +I feel like my body is getting severely damaged due to my constant high blood pressure and the dizziness obviously screws my functionality. I'll go to a cardiologist regardless. I went to one 6 months ago and he told me all was fine before I was having these attacks. + +But is it possible to have dizziness and hbp that often with anxiety? I can often see my blood pumping in the body when this state becomes very strong. I want to get back to exercising/working out to have a normal life but I am scared that its going to be what kills me...",Anxiety +34347,"Diagnosed with 2 illness' My whole life I have had severe generalized anxiety and health phobias. I have always worried there is something wrong. This started in 6th grade. I am 33 now. Everything I have worried about has never happened but I was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome in '16 (autoimmune disease that attacks moisture producing glands) and more recently Hypogammaglobulinanemia (an immune deficiency where my blood lacks the proteins needed to protect me against virus and infection). + +Has anyone else with health phobias actually been diagnosed with an illness? It's been an incredibly difficult time for me but I'm working with a psychiatrist and just started seeing a therapist who specializes in chronic illness and anxiety. I'm looking for some words of encouragement or experiences. Thanks all.",Anxiety +34348,"Scared of brain amoeba Exactly one year ago I was in New Zealand where they have these geothermal pools which have a brain eating amoeba in them, which is why you shouldn't inhale that water. I didn't go into one of those but I did go into a normal hot tub and scraped my knee doing so. And I sat there for a minute before realising that it was actually bleeding so I went up and cleaned the wound and put a band aid on. Then I sat back in but didn't put my knee back in. Lately I have been freaking out over this because I have been thinking a lot about health related things. I have heard that if you do get infected you will notice the symptoms really quickly but since it's been a year I should be in the clear, right?",Anxiety +34349,"Lump in breast...? Help? A few days ago I discovered that there's a firm, oval-shaped lump (?) on the side of my right breast. It's smooth and I kind of have to press firmly to feel it. There's no pain, only if I press it, it kind of feels like when you have a bruise and you press on the bruised area lightly. So, not quite pain, just kind of like a dull feeling. + +There are no other symptoms. + +Should I go to the doctor just to be safe? +And in the event that it is serious, how long can I afford to wait before seeing a doctor? + +I'm only 19, and I know breast cancer in young people is pretty rare, but I can't stop worrying that I might be in that unlucky tiny minority. + +I'm posting this because I know little on the subject. I know that breast lumps are treated like a big deal, yet logically I know it doesn't seem likely... ",Anxiety +34350,"Frustrating set back with HA Looking for some support right now! My health anxiety started in the midst of some real health concerns. I was eventually diagnosed with a tumor in my pituitary and am currently taking medication to deal with that. Even so I developed severe HA, concentrated around having a heart condition. + +I ended up in the hospital once and in urgent care half a dozen times over the course of 6 months. I also went to see my GP several times during this period. Every time an EKG was done and it came out normal. At the urging of GP I went to see a psychiatrist and therapist. + +I’ve been on Zoloft for about 8 weeks now. The beginning was rough but lately I’ve felt great. One of my biggest triggers has been my blood pressure, and it’s been weeks since I checked it. I was checking my BP just about every 10 minutes before. I was also afraid to exert myself, but have been able to start exercising again, which feels great. + +Last night things went off the rails. My usual symptoms- pain in my upper left chest, arm pain/numbness, and crushing fear all returned. I checked my BP several times and was only able to fall asleep when I collapsed from exhaustion. I took a klonopin, which I have so I can deal with panic attacks like last night. + +Today I’ve been feeling anxious the entire day, I’ve resisted taking klonopin again because I don’t want to become dependent on it. I feel incredibly frustrated. I have come such a long way in the last few weeks and I’m afraid I’m falling back into my old ways. + +I’m going back to my psych on Friday but I’m scared of spending the week in a near constant panic. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you deal with it and do you have any advice that can help? Having HA is like living in your own personal hell and I really don’t feel like I can go back to what my life was like before. ",Anxiety +34351,"I’m trying to open up and am requesting some general advice. I’m nearly 16 years old, healthy and a girl. I’ve never suffered from anything like depression etc. + +But recently my thoughts have been turning to horrible things. I get anxious about everything and everyday I’m battling with my mind to stay happy for the universe. I suffer bad when I’m ill from health anxiety because of my major fear of death. It’s just getting worse, I sit at night thinking ‘I don’t want to die’ and get really scared and nervous. And then I stress over school and negative thoughts overtake me. + +I struggle major when I’m ill, I can’t help myself but google my symptoms - it’s awful. + +My parents don’t seem to get it, I tried opening up about my health anxiety and they just told me to get over it. It’s not as simple as that. And I’m scared to open up about everything else. Any advice? ",Anxiety +34352,"All of my problems I have had a lot of traumatic events these past few years. Add to that I have always been a bit of a worrier. + +On top of that, my doctor told me I could have fibromyalgia (too soon to tell). I also had a superficial blood clot in my leg recently and read online that these can be associated with deadly DVTs. + +I am so worried about EVERYTHING. Ever single day I am stressed and nervous. I Google health and read about these things constantly. + +I am not sure what I need. I guess I just want suggestions (if you have any) and support. I really lost it after the latest stressful event (death of a family member). +",Anxiety +34353,"Facial weakness scare I'm usually a lurker on this subreddit and I come visit only when I have a minor disease fear. This time, one thing really got me. I just realised that I can't move the lower-right half of my face as good as the lower-left one. I don't want to exaggerate it, all the muscles are responding, but it looks like the left ones are just doing their job better. A part of me doesn't really care about this and would probably laugh about this situation as I'm under 25, but the other part thinks this is a sign of cancer or MS and this is the beginning of the end. I hate HA.",Anxiety +34354,"The fear just keeps getting worse and I need some advice Hi all, + +I've had health anxiety ever since I was a little kid,but this past month I have been unable to manage it anymore.I know that what I feel and fear is irrational and improbable, but I can't seem to make myself truly believe this. +Instead, I just keep googling and freak myself out constantly. + + +The past month I've been very paranoid about pregnancy(which is irrational in itself my last sexual contact was in october, and the circumstances made + pregnancy very unlikely),after PCOS treatment completely fucked up my cycles.Two weeks ago, I had an ultrasound to ease my mind and everything came back negative, which relaxed me for a while.But now I can't stop worrying about an ectopic pregnancy that could rupture at any moment and kill me.The doctor only checked my uterus and ovaries,and because of this I worry that she could have missed it if it was ectopic.I've been having a lot of cramps and spasms, pain that goes from my neck to my shoulder and a couple weeks ago I had an episode of really bad sharp abdominal pain that I attributed to bad nutrition and stress. + +I know this probably sounds crazy, but I can't shake the thought that there's a ticking time bomb inside of me.I'm really panicked and I just want to move on.How do I deal with this?",Anxiety +34355,"Meningitis Terrified! Hello all, + +I’m a 22 year old male that too has significant health anxiety. + +I get occasional sinus infections and every time I google them it says “chance of sinus infection turning into deadly meningitis”. + +I know legally these websites have to inform the public but it terrifies me. So much so that I literally turn off my phone call out of work and curl up in bed in fear. + +Any reassurance, help would be lovely ✌🏻",Anxiety +34356,"Googling made me think I have parasites After suffering from a really bad ear infection, a cherry angioma on my lip rupturing, and finding a lump in my breast I can't stop worrying about my health. + +I just got an ultrasound and my bloodwork done with normal results so that eased my anxiety for a bit. However, my bowel movements have changed and I've been finding undigested food in my stool, along with other things. I made the mistake of watching videos on intestinal parasites/worms and now I'm terrified I might have some. It's eating up so much of my time and instead of doing assignments for school I'm constantly checking my symptoms. I just wish I could stop being so stressed about it and relax but I can't.",Anxiety +34357,"Constant state of fear that I’m going to die. My anxiety is entirely out of control right now. I cried not too long ago knowing that my panic and my anxiety stem from irrationality; nonetheless I am consistently sure, 100% that I am going to die suddenly. I am very convinced that I am going to go into full cardiac arrest and I’m only 31 years old. I’ll feel a small pain somewhere or smell something—they’re all symptoms of sudden and acute heart failure. Because I think this way, it makes my panic attacks just that much worse. + +I wish I could shut my mind down. I feel like a loser because I’m this way.",Anxiety +34358,"100% sure i have hiv To start it off im a 17 year old male who had unprotected sex with a women i met from the internet (yeah i know im a dumbass) in her 20's 48 days ago. She said she was clean and even sent me a test she took febuary 5th saying she was negative. But then she blocked me. Now she could of done that because i pissed her off constantly asking if she had hiv or she did it because she found out she did and did not want to be sued. +two weeks after the sex my anxiety kicked in and i thought i had every symptom but a week later i found out that i had a 0.04% chance of contracting it, so it went away. fast forward to today, i am having daily headaches sometimes accompianed my nausa(huge hiv sympom). i had a 98% fever for one day last week and also had a leg cramp one day and sometimes would get some aches in my arm (maybe hiv or anxiety). + +Im scared out of my mind right now. The only reason i had sex was because i was feeling kind of depressed and thought sex would help. Little did i know that i was going to contract hiv from it :(. I will be a medical phenomenom, i can already see the headlines ""17 year old depressed boy has sex to make himself feel better, ends up contracting HIV instead"". I can't go to the doctor or get a test because im not 18 either. So i have to wait 4 more months until i find out i have HIv",Anxiety +34359,"Found a swollen lymph-node Now I’ve had health anxiety since I was 4. I’ve had every cancer known to man, and many other various diseases, but I’ve never actually had any concrete symptoms. Until 2 weeks ago. + +I was at work and felt a lump in my neck (was extremely scared, had a panic attack) but I told myself it was just a lymph-node and to get over it. I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to brush my symptoms off, so for about two weeks I kinda forgot it was there. Until like 3 days ago when I felt my neck and it was still there! Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve started googling again and I’m convinced I have lymphoma. I’ve also now got this pain on that side of my neck (that I’m pretty sure is just in my head) but I don’t know! I’m going to the doctor on Friday. Just wanted to rant I guess 🙃",Anxiety +34360,"My fat mass is 18 (overweight) even though I'm a thin person So I'm 6 ft 2 (1,88m) and 178,5 pounds (81 kg) therefore my bmi is a healthy 23. + +A Doctor performed an biometrical impedancy analysis and said my muscle mass is 43.4 and fat mass is 17.9. He just said that's a good muscle mass. + +Does this make any sense?",Anxiety +34361,"Testicular Cancer I'm like 90% sure I have testicular cancer.. basically around 3 months ago, i got a sharp pain in my testicle, immediately I got worried as I never have pain there.. so I looked it up and saw testicular cancer, I was shaking, etc. The next day or so I was experiencing symptoms of testicular cancer.. like abdominal pain, chest pain, etc almost every day for like 1 and a half months, so fast forward January I went to the ER because the chest pains were pretty bad, same with abdominal pain, etc. They did an EKG, chest x-ray and a nurse did a physical exam on me.. so for the EKG my heart rate was kinda high, also my blood pressure was high (but it always has been so not really worried), then I had a Chest X-Ray after I did that and got the results back saying ""all clear"".. my chest pain stopped like 10 minutes later still had abdominal pain tho, they did a blood test which also came back good but TC can't be detected in a common blood test. + +After that I got a physical exam and testicular exam, the testicular exam the nurse only examined the sides and front.. by the way I have a lump on the top of my testicle, didn't really tell her about it though but she said everything seemed fine. + +So still almost everyday I worry that I have TC.. i'm scared they could of missed something on the Chest X-Ray. I'm thinking about going back to the ER soon and getting a testicular ultrasound. Also right now i'm having headaches, fever and my necks been hurting when I move it for about a week.. + +Could all of this be Health Anxiety? As some of the symptoms still persist when i'm not anxious or not thinking about it. I've also felt tired and fatigued lately. + +I'm 15 years old by the way.",Anxiety +34362,"Anxious about appendicitis I have IBS which I know causes my stomach and lower GI pain. Which also is flared up with anxiety. So I get anxious about something I know isn't affecting me because it's just my IBS acting up, which causes me to get more anxious and causes it to get worse etc. etc. It's such a vicious cycle and I don't know how to deal with it. I took Zoloft for anxiety a few months ago but I didn't like how it made me feel and I've since stopped. I don't know how to keep myself from worrying about something I clearly do not have.",Anxiety +34363,"Sleeps aids for someone afraid of medication? Hey guys, I've been struggling to sleep and was hoping someone could recommend a good sleep aid. Things like Zzzquil make my entire body tingly (anxiety, surely), and sleeping pills are a big no because I feel hypersensitive to medications. When I say hypersensitive I mean I could poke a xanax with my finger and eat the tiny bit of powder that comes off and it's still sometimes a bit too strong. The placebo is just too powerful with hypochondria. + +So, enough rambling. Any good teas or extra weak medications that could help? + +Thanks!",Anxiety +34364,"Brain Tumor Worry Hey everyone! I'm so glad I just found this sub because I've been struggling with health anxiety for almost my entire life, although it has gotten worse over the past two years. Usually I worry about stomach viruses and things related to throwing up, as that is my worst fear, but I've also worried about appendicitis, a stroke, epilepsy, leg cancer, and right now, a brain tumor. My health anxiety has had a profound effect on my life, especially in my transition to college, and it often limits me from eating, going out with friends, and even leaving my room. + +I get migraines often, but my most recent headache is a little different. Yesterday, I had this weird pressure feeling on the top of my head, and eventually got one of my normal migraines. It went away this afternoon when I took two Advil, but the pressure feeling is still there. I don't know how to describe it, it's not really a pain but it just feels weird and a brain tumor was my first thought. I haven't had any other typical brain tumor symptoms, but I have been getting nosebleeds recently, which I've heard can be related to seizures. + +People have told me not to be ridiculous because brain tumors are so rare. I know brain tumors are uncommon, but I've known three people that have had brain cancer, one of whom passed away about a year and a half ago (I didn't know her very well but it was still incredibly sad.) I just really hope I don't have one. Do my symptoms sound like typical brain tumor symptoms? ",Anxiety +34365,"Throat cancer worry Hello, I felt a bit weird today and looked at the back of my throat where there are a lot of swollen bumps that are mostly red, and some look like they might have cancer sores.. I ususally have one or two of those, my throat looks like a mess most of the time, but ENT said it looks normal. But with all these new bumps I am pretty worried... + +I try to be rational, there is a flu going around, but the sudden onset of those swollen bumps makes me worry that I have cancer...",Anxiety +34366,"Kidney stone PAIN I went to the emergency room about a couple of months ago and they found two stones in my right kidney. One stone is small while one is 9 millimeters. They sent me home, believing I can pass this stone thats 9 millimeters. Well I woke up early this morning in severe pain in my lower back. Caused my anxiety to skyrocket. I forgot that kidney stones move around, and that the pain fluctuates. Its been a couple months. I just wanna have this stone go away. I just forgot how much pain one little stone can cause. I’m just now worried about my kidney itself.",Anxiety +34367,"It looks like I've found a home. My anxiety is ruining my life Hello everyone! So I have been suffering from severe health anxiety for years now, it's about my heart. When I was 18 I fell down the stairs in my house and when I got up my heart was beating totally out of rhythm seeming at random, turned out I had A-Fib and I had to get shocked (twice) back into normal rhythm. I am 22 now and have never gone back into A-fib but from what doctors have told me it's only a matter of time and usually it gets more and more common until it's always there. This scares the shit out of me. On top of that for whatever reason I get SVT's when I have panic attacks so my heart just beats out of my chest and it feels awful like what I would imagine a heart attack would feel like. So now I'm scared of getting these SVT's and since I'm scared of getting them I'll panic and actually get them. Just a giant negative feedback loop. I'm on cipralex for anxiety and have been for two years but just learned from a pharmacists that it can cause even more heart rhythm issues which is the source of my current anxiety attack, since the cipralex doesn't help at all anyways. How do you guys deal with this stuff? Other than with copious amounts of Ativan like I am now. Which still isn't helping. ",Anxiety +34368,"Can Health Anxiety pop up seemingly out of nowhere? Is it normal to have a massive/crippling health-related panic attack with no history of anxiety, and have Health Anxiety related symptoms occur daily after that? It's been four months and I just want some of your guy's stories to help reassure :) ",Anxiety +34369,"Heart anxiety for no reason Hello all, + +First post on here, there's some really good advice from people in here so hopefully someone will have been through something similar to me. + +I just wondered if anyone else has the same thing as me. I am anxious about having a heart issue, every day, and this doesn't seem to be based on anything at all. There's no family history, I'm relatively young (32), have had all the heart checks available with nothing being found, my cholesterol is fine, and I can do mild exercise with no pain (I'm pretty unfit and just started doing exercise so I'm at a mild level). I threw away my blood pressure monitor because I think it was feeding my anxiety but when I used to take it, it was always in the normal range. + +But every day, I'll feel my heart beating in my chest at random times. Sometimes when I'm lying on my side, and in certain positions on the sofa. Sometimes I'll feel a strange vibration feeling in my chest. Or I'll feel my heart beat normally, then seem to stop, then thump back into rhythm. My partner will put her ear to my chest and tells me it's beating normally but to me, it feels like it's thumping and missing beats. + +When I get any of those sensations, I'll worry about what it means and I'll feel panicky, especially if I'm on my own, or in a situation that I can't escape from, such as a plane or recently, on the London Eye ferris wheel. Maybe it's the thought of help not being easily available to get to me. The current snow in England is making me a little panicky that help won't get to me. + +Along with those weird heart sensations, I'll get chest discomfort, like a heavy indigestion feeling, sometimes odd feelings in my arm, sometimes light headed feelings. None of it is painful, it's just like weird sensations. + +I've attempted to put my chest sensations down to digestive issues such as acid reflux and I've tried eating better and exercising to improve my health but so far, it hasn't made much difference. + +I don't know if there is something going on that no one can find or whether I'm literally doing it all to myself. + +I'm not an anxious person normally. I can talk in public, I'm not socially anxious at all, it seems to be this one and only issue and I've no idea where it came from. + +Does anyone else get these feelings, and if so, how do you ignore them and how have you managed to reduce them? ",Anxiety +34370,"The flu is going around really badly at my university and I'm terrified of catching it I'm really freaking myself out a lot. I have a good immune system, I normally only get one cold or so a year, haven't had the stomach bug in almost 7 years (knock on wood), and I don't think I've ever had the flu (but maybe a flu like illness or two). + +Anyway, I'm always health anxious about things like this, but it got a lot worse last week upon receiving an email that the flu is widespread and that they've been getting a large amount of cases. People in my classes claim to have it, people in my clubs claim to have it, etc. Luckily none of my five roommates (we live and share a bathroom together) have gotten it so far, but I'm still so freaked out. I obviously go above and beyond with precautions- hand washing before any kind of eating or touching my face, probiotics, Vitamin C immune supplements 1x a day, lots of fruit, water, sleep, not a lot of junk food, exercise. I clean the doorknobs every day and sanitize my phone and laptop daily. I still can't help but worry. + +I've been taking my temperature a lot and feeling feverish but it never comes back with a fever. I've also had some trouble sleeping and I've been nauseous, had a funky appetite, and some questionable poops. You can catch the flu through air droplets so that's the only way I think I could ever get it but I'm still really freaked out. + +Any advice on how to try and relax a bit?",Anxiety +34371,"I feel like I am okay I feel like I am okay in the sense that I feel stable when I think about my mental health as well as my emotional health. Physical health I am satisfied with even though I have slightly more fat than what I desire on my body. Regardless of these things I seem to be feeling well yet throughout some of my days in the week I feel anxious about something and I always get the feeling that it's regarding one of the three things I mentioned earlier (mental, emotional, and physical). + +More often than ever I feel like the problem might be anxiety. I'm not sure how to deal with it or what preventative measures I can take. I'd much rather read or listen to people who have been going through the same scenario as me than to approach a health councilor. + +Any sort of feedback on the things that I can do or maybe even some controversial practices I can try would be of great help.. hopefully + + +Thanks guys and gals! + + +P.S. I feel like my anxiety is not on the level where I would need to start taking medicines for it. I would say that it is on a small level. + + + +",Anxiety +34372,"2 Swollen Lymph Nodes...still freaking out About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a pea-sized growth under my skin in the inguinal groin region, then another. Was mis-diagnosed at first as a hernia, went to doc and they said if i threw up, go right to er. + +Next morning, threw up 3 times (from anxiety probably), went to ER. They poked me, said ""these are swollen lymph nodes, better order some tests."" So, I got bloodwork, a CT Scan and an ultrasound. Lymphoma, or another cancer is my ultimate fear. + +Everything came back normal. Just two enflamed lymph nodes on the CT Scan. They diagnosed it a probable bacterial infection, maybe given to me by the cat I got a week before all of this started. Gave me antibiotics. + +So I am about two weeks out from that, finished my antibiotics and the nodes are still the same size. Have been to GP twice since the ER, thinking I felt more nodes, he said all seems normal, and it could take a month for the nodes to go down, and they may never go down. He says he doesn't think I have lymphoma and is almost convinced fully of it. + +Made the mistake of reading that only a biopsy can detect cancer, so have now convinced myself I have cancer somehow, despite 3 ER docs and a nurse telling me it probably wasn't. The nodes are still about the same size, maybe bigger, but not by much. This is kilin me. + +edit: the doc and er doc say they are too small and superficial to even biopsy right now, which makes me feel even dumber. ",Anxiety +34373,"Woke up with really bad cramps this morning. It’s been an hour and they’re still here and I’m getting a little nervous. I need reassurance. I know this is little info, but it hurts so bad. I’m scared. Maybe I just need to go to the bathroom.",Anxiety +34374,"Last Saturday, I jumped over a fence, when I landed on my feet, my knee popped out of place. I’m scared I hurt it pretty bad. But I can’t go to the dr. Every day now, it’s been getting better. Every day I can bend it a little more. My parents said that it’s happened to them and that it takes a while to get better but it will. I’m wearing a brace and taking pain medicine and using ice/heat. Elevating it when I can. Even while sleeping. + + +When it popped out of place, it started swelling up, and the swelling went away about 48 hours later. Now it’s still a sharp pain and often feels if it’s going to buckle when I walk too fast or the wrong way. I can’t fully bend it because it feels tight and like the muscles or tendons are twisting up. And the pretty bad sharp pain when I apply full pressure is on the middle of my knee. + +I’m just scared and I can’t afford the dr. We don’t have insurance.. I can’t be hurt now.. I have so much going on I can’t.. :( ",Anxiety +34375,"Scared of dying from the flu I just started working at Walgreens 3 days ago. I’ve successfully avoided the public since the flu epidemic for the last few months so jumping into a job where sick people come in all day nonstop has sent me to a whirlwind of anxiety. + +Last night my throat started itching and hurting but I just said it was from talking so much at my new job. + +24 hours later here I am with a cough, sore throat, and a fever of 100.2 + +I know it’s not strep because my tonsils are fine. I’m sure it’s the flu + +I’m delirious and having panic attacks because of feeling bad and being scared that I’m going to die. + +I don’t like taking medicine whatsoever and especially not cold and flu medicine because of how loopy it makes me feel. + +I’m so scared :( ",Anxiety +34376,"Heart/Diabetes anxiety for 4 years Last night when I couldn't sleep I started reading this subreddit and immediately felt some what comforted that I recognised myself in some of your stories. I thought I would share mine and get some of your imput. I think it would really help. + +When I was 23 and finishing up a very stressful period of writing my thesis I woke up one night completely convinced I was having a heart attack. I managed to calm myself down but every since then not a day has gone by where I don't think I could die at any second. For the most time I worry about my heart. I got pains at the top of my stomach, like someone pressing two fingers right under my ribcage, which the doctor said was acid reflux but in my mind it is always the worst. One time, years ago, I heard a commercial on the radio where a woman said ""I thought I was just gassy, turns out I was having a heart attack!"". I turned it off right away but I couldn't get it out of my head. Especially when I learned that heart attacks in women can present as stomach pains/acid reflux. Everything I feel is related to my heart. Checking my pulse constantly is the new normal. It's completely exhausting. My father has since died from a heart attack and my uncle has had many stents so that its in my family history also doesn't help. + +My other main worry is about diabetes. Because my dad was very overweight, I grew up with the family doctor telling me that if you are too heavy you Will get diabetes. Now, even more so after his death, I am completely terrified. I monitor how often I pee every day and if its more than usual I freak out. I get tested every couple of years but months after the last test my mind will go to 'but what if you do have it now. It will all be your fault. You did this. You're sick and it's your fault.' + +I have a lot to live for. I'm getting married later this year and I refuse to let few chemicals in my brain screw up my life but that voice in the back (or more often than not, front) of my head is very hard to get rid of. ",Anxiety +34377,"Recent doctor's visit has me in a spiral I don't know where else to turn. I feel like my entire world is caving in. A few days ago, I went for a routine eye examination and at the end of it my doctor told me that I had an inflamed optic nerve and one pupil smaller than the other. She suspects that I might have idiopathic intracranial hypertension. She's seen this a few times. Sets me up with a specialist. Specialist calls and sets appointment some time in April. Today, I get a call saying that appointment was a mistake and they need to see me next week. They used the word ""serious."" My mind is racing now. I'm trying to calm myself down and think clearly, but I can't. They're not going to diagnosis me with IIH (which is a benign disease), it'll be terminal brain cancer or MS. I just know it. Basically, IIH makes your brain swell due to excessive spinal fluid. It gives you nasty headaches. Weight loss and meds are the treatment. I'm going to die of brain cancer at 28. This is how my life ends. This is the most convinced I've ever been in my entire life and all the history of health anxiety that I've had. This will be the end. I can't fucking believe this is happening to me. I had my appendix and gallbladder removed, and had to fight the fears of intestinal cancer. Now my brain is telling me: ""See? It took three/fours to metastasize to your brain, and now you're gonna die."" I can't stop panicking. ",Anxiety +34378,"Issue with Anxiety and Throat Hey guys, + +First time posting but been dealing with anxiety for a while... A lot of my anxiety goes to my health... 3 years ago I began to have these extremely painful sores in the back of my throat. Went to a bunch of doctors and they couldn't tell me what was happening (they said it was stress). I also got oral thrush in my throat and mouth along with headaches, stomach aches, flu and cold symptoms. I began to get extremely anxious with everything that I spiraled out of control. I landed myself in a psychiatric hospital by the end. I almost lost my job, my wife, and my life because of it. Turned out I wasn't crazy but was having an adverse reaction pyhsical and mental to mold in our apartment we had recently moved into before my symptoms popped up. Every thing gradually got better, my anxiety went way down... my health returned....But the one side effect was my throat became extremely sensitive. It easly scratches and a white scab will form while it heals. But my anxiety self that pops up during this time will freak out and go into PTSD mode remembering all the bad memories. I impulsively have to check my throat and look at any injuries a lot during the day and even sometimes take a Q-tip and touch the area and see if the scab come off just to make sure it isn't one of those sores like before. + +Anyway I just wanted to know if anyone has gone through something similar and of anyone has some coping techniques that might help (yes I see a therapist and whatnot as well). Getting sick or feeling like I'm getting sick extremely stresses me out as well because of these issues. + +Thanks everyone!",Anxiety +34379,"Can't stop obsessing.. Any tips? Sorry if this is a little long, but I'm new here and desperately looking for some advice. Plus it kinda helps to get it all off my chest.. + +I've been struggling with health anxiety for a little while now, and although I keep kidding myself that I'm in control, I don't feel very in control. I can't stop the constant worrying and obsessing. + +It all started just over a year ago, when I spent a week in hospital. I'm not going to go into detail as to why, as I don't want to trigger anyone else's anxiety... But it wasn't a great week. + +Since then, I've been fine. I have ibs, which is unfortunate as the symptoms I get seem to really trigger my anxiety. But that's the most serious problem I have. A few other minor things, asthma, skin problems, but nothing unmanageable. + +I noticed my anxiety levels shifting around a year on from my hospital stay. Think it must have just been on my mind, then I had a really bad ibs flare up that threw me. Was off my food, had no energy and lots of other unpleasant things. + +Ibs is more under control now, but my anxiety is not. I feel anxious in general, have quite a foggy head alot of the time, don't really feel like myself, don't want to do much, getting tired out easy, feel like crying alot. But mostly I'm struggling because I can't stop obsessing about every little thing wrong with me. + +The slightest cramp or ache sends me spiraling into a panic. I can't stop googling things to find out if there is something wrong with me. Even though I don't really have any ongoing symptoms and they are more one offs. Can't stop poking and prodding looking for lumps or enlarged lymph nodes. + +Any time I find the tiniest little lump (found one or two in the fat layer on my stomach) I obsess. Can't seem to stop looking for it to see if I can find it again. Most of the time I can't, any if I find anything it's tiny so logically I know it's nothing to worry about. But I just can't stop. + +It really feels like it's taking over. I just feel like I'm stuck in an endless obsessive cycle of prodding, being hyper aware of every tiny sensation, looking for things wrong with me a constantly googling. + +It's got to the point that when I have a nice symptom free day, I find myself looking for something that's wrong with me as I feel like i can't trust that I'm actually ok. + +Anyone got any advice, or been in a similar situation? This isn't something I find easy to open up about, but I'm scared it's going to completely consume me if I don't do something. ",Anxiety +34380,"My period is almost a month late due my anxiety. I'm sure I'm not pregnant, did a test and came negative. +I'm having an overseas travel soon and I just can't, I thought I could but I was wrong...again. +I skipped a family trip 2 years ago just 'cause I couldn't think about leaving my bf here.",Anxiety +34381,"Different size pupils after an eye exam So I had this monday an eye exam and the doctor put 3 drops of atropine in my eyes. I have noticed in the first day that the pupils were coming back at normal at different sizes. Now it's saturday and my right pupil it's still a little bit bigger than the other one. I have read on the internet that the effect of atropine may last for two weeks. It is true? Did anyone encounter this? + +I am really, really panicking right now. The doctor did not find something wrong with my eyes and the different size pupils did not happen before this exam.",Anxiety +34382,"what happens if i (at 58) gain more weight, like 65 kilos. What happens with my health if i start just eating really badly? Like i cant get heart disease in 2 weeks? I dont whats the big deal of being 65kg and 162cm. I dont see a reason why i need to stay healthy. i dont need to explain to anyone. i just wanna know what happens if a 162cm girl becomes 67kilos. will i just die. like i dont see whats the problem.",Anxiety +34383,"How do I get over wanting everyone to like me? I am a 20-year-old male. I have social anxiety disorder, and one of my biggest problems with social anxiety is that I am a people pleaser. I rely on external approval from other people to make me feel good. For example, when someone gives me a dirty or unfriendly look I get upset. When someone doesn't smile at me, I think it's because they think something is wrong with me. When people smile at me or are friendly to me, I get happy. I have this attitude that I want everyone to like me. I'm trying to change this attitude. I want to get to a point where I don't care if someone dislikes me or not. How can I get to that point?",Anxiety +34384,"Convinced I'm dying from visiting auto body shop Hi everyone, + +So basically I’m freaking out because I’m thinking about how I used to visit my estranged dad’s body shop from time to time growing up during the summer. I can’t imagine that I would have gone more than 10-15 times or so in a given summer, and some years I probably only went a couple of times, others none at all. + +I would go to work with him to wash/vacuum cars, answer the phone, and sometimes wetsand cars. However, there would be times where I would follow him around to his back shop to check on his employees. Or, I would go back there to let him know that a customer was waiting for him. I’m currently freaking out bc I can’t imagine that being in that environment while guys were doing work could have been good for me, even though I wasn’t doing any sanding or painting myself. His back shop is rather large, and he would keep his garage doors open for ventilation https://imgur.com/FviJwNq see building on the left). I think I remember a couple of times in the winter I was there and he had the doors shut though. I probably opened the door to the paint booth a handful of times to scream in there that someone was waiting for him. + +My biggest fear is that I’ll wind up getting cancer or something years down the line from now. I probably first went to his shop when I was 5, and stopping visiting after I was 18 or 19. I have no idea how secondhand exposure to this stuff works. Does this limited secondhand exposure to dust/paint as a kid pretty much guarantee problems down the road? Or does that typically require years of direct exposure? + +Was my dad 100% in the wrong for letting me come to work with him in the first place? Part of me thinks that its quite common for kids to go their family-owned businesses, but still. + +It’s gotten to the point where these thoughts dominate my mind, and its very difficult to care about anything, since I feel like I’m dead anyway. + +I think its entirely possible that I’m overreacting, and this anxiety is brought on by the fact that I just graduated college and started my first job. + +Can someone please let me know what they think? + +Edit: I found some pictures of his shop so that you can see what the environment was like, for what its worth https://www.facebook.com/pg/Sudden-Impact-Autobody-INC-161287353937984/photos/?ref=page_internal",Anxiety +34385,"Precum? So I had unprotected sex, she's on birth control but she only started 2 weeks ago, I pulled out but precum is a thing so am I fine, yes or no? I just freak out over this kindve stuff ",Anxiety +34386,"legit anxiety and health anxiety so im roughly 50 lbs over weight + +id really like to get in shape, here is where the problem comes in + +i have legit anxiety as well as health anxiety. + +so excersizing is really hard for me. because every time i excersize my body temp goes up and my heart rate goes up (which its suposed to) +but my paranoia kicks in and i start thinking about heart attacks and i start to freak out and panic. + +its making losing weight really hard, + +but i know if i dont lose the weight thats also a problem.. so its a really conflicting position to be in. + +my diet is a lot better than its ever been, im making much better choices but its not perfect by any means. and im always improving on it. + +so what should i do? any tricks to staying calm during excersize? + +how can i get over the feeling of dread when my body temp and heart rare go up?",Anxiety +34387,"A happy story! So I’m almost 19 and suffer moderate HA, usually a few times a year. So far I haven’t seeked professional help for it so I’ve been trudging along on my own. + +Well, for the past week or two I’ve had this random pain in my back, primarily my left rib. Naturally the worries happened: cancer of any sort, kidney problems, etc. Well today I went to the ER (my family doctor lives six hours away) and while they didn’t look inside me, he poked and prodded and said that he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong since I didn’t have any other symptoms. Also, bercitis (not spelled right) runs in my family, which is inflammation, in my family’s case, the RIBS. So I’m feeling pretty good. I hope this lifts your spirits, and helps with your doctor-fears, of which I also suffer.~",Anxiety +34388,"Worried about ovarian cancer Hello, + +I’m new to this subreddit but deff not new to health anxiety. I’m 26, and 5 years ago my gyno basically diagnosed me with PCOS. My periods have been irregular for the better part of 5-6 years but lately have been regular...maybe a few days off. + +Well last month, my anxiety started to get really bad. I was having panic attacks daily and didn’t sleep well. A few days ago I started worrying that I have ovarian cancer bc I was bloated. It ended up subsiding but now my period is “due” (meaning this date range is when I usually get it) and I have lower back cramping, pelvic cramps, bloating but no bleeding. So basically I’m worried that it’s OC. I’m also thinking it could possibly be because of stress but I’m not sure + +Any insight would be much appreciated. ",Anxiety +34389,"I’m experiencing calf pain after a loonnnggg bus ride. DVT? Hi everyone, + +First of all, I’m a 27yo female who is pretty active and in general good health. I am taking oral contraceptives so I am at a higher risk of clots. I’ve been taking the same birth control pill for 10 years without any trouble. + +I recently went on a trip and was on a bus for 15 hours straight. I did walk around or stand up every few hours or so. I also had the seat next to me for myself so i was able to extend/raise my legs and stretch out. I was very hydrated during that trip. + +Once I got to my destination, everything was okay. I had to get back on the bus to go home, which was only going to be 5 hours (the first one took so long due to weather/traffic). I walked around about half way through my return trip, but i did notice my lower legs started to hurt towards the end of my trip. Also, i admit, i definitely wasn’t drinking as much water as i probably should’ve. + +It’s been 24 hours now and I’m experiencing mild pain in my lower left leg. My calf just seems crampy. It hurts a little when i flex my toes up to the sky (that also hurts on the other leg as well). I do feel slight muscle spasms in my other leg but no pain. I have no noticeable swelling or warmth on my legs. The crampy feeling sort of extends to my thigh as well, but i do have sciatica so I’m not sure if that’s what I’m feeling. I can walk totally fine and have no pain when doing so. I mostly feel this pain when i am sitting or laying down. + +I’d love some advice on whether or not i should go to the ER to be safe or if it’s just likely my muscles are dehydrated and sore from being stuck in a relatively small area for a while. ",Anxiety +34390,"A hypochondriac's guide to health anxiety... Hello all! + +Long time reader / first time poster in this here subreddit...I've been comforted by many of your stories and they've really helped me through the years with my own struggle. Because of this, I decided to write about (and share) my own story about how I overcame health anxiety. + +This can be found at the following link (my personal blog): +http://www.kingofnowhere.co/blog/healthanxiety + +Any comments / questions welcomed! + +Stay strong. If I can do this. You can too. + +Rhys +",Anxiety +34391,"Itchy vagina - anxious nighttime scratching NOT STI related. Advice wanted. I scratch my vagina - a lot. I do it most before bed and often wake up in the middle of the night scratching. I scratch when I'm watching Netflix and anytime I'm 'idle.' I get the urge to scratch sometimes at work, but very rarely when I'm busy or out having fun. + +I've been tested for STIs and yeast and bacterial infections many times, it's none of these things. + +The scratching problem also affects my anus but to a lesser extent. + +When I get the urge to scratch, it's like a twitch that I can't ignore. Once I start scratching I find it very hard to stop. I feel relief when I scratch until I scratch so much that I tear the skin and it begins to hurt and bleed. When I'm scratching I notice that I'm usually holding my breath and my body is tense. + +My suspicion is that it's an anxious behaviour and now that I've suffered for over 4 years, it's become an unconscious 'tick' that I can't kick. + +I tried acupuncture and only experienced a mild improvement from 1 of my total 5 sessions. The improvement didn't last. + +Has anyone else suffered from this condition? Any and all advice/personal stories would be so very appreciated. ",Anxiety +34392,"Need some support this week! Hi friends! Long time reader, first time poster. I've suffered from health anxiety for a few years now, and I'm currently going through one of my worst bouts yet. + +I'm getting a colonoscopy later this week because of some gastrointestinal issues (I'm in my 20s), and my doctor has assured me multiple times he is not expecting colorectal cancer based on my symptoms. However, it's all I can think about. I can't stop Googling my symptoms, finding people younger than me who were diagnosed with cancer, finding people with less symptoms than me finding out they had cancer, etc. + +Just looking for any advice to get through the next few days. Sending so much love to everyone who has to live like this. ",Anxiety +34393,"ALS fears about tongue When I stick my tongue out as far as I can, one side is higher than the other in the very back. And also even when I try to completely rest my tongue, there are sporadic quivers of movement in certain spots. I made the mistake of googling this and am convinced that these must be tongue fasciculations from ALS, even though statistically I know that it is very rare in my age group. + +My speech isn’t slurred and no problems eating or drinking or any other signs of weakness. Has anyone else freaked out about this before?",Anxiety +34394,"Chewed tobacco over the weekend. Anxiety going crazy Kinda like the title says, but I chewed tobacco this weekend. I was with a friend on vacation and while drunk, I packed a few dips. I don't normally chew, and the total times I have done it in my life are in the single digits. + +But I got a small canker sore from it, and it is driving my anxiety crazy thinking I have cancer. Lesson learned: Not worth doing it cause it will drive my anxiety crazy. ",Anxiety +34395,"Colon cancer anxiety Hey all. I've been losing my sleep worrying about this. Last week i've had bouts of diarrhea, they ocurred around the same time for 3 days or so. After that, i've had constipation, and i'm still suffering from it. I can pass stools with a lot of straining, but they're really small, rabbit like (no blood). +Also, last friday night i woke up very suddenly and threw up. That was the only time this happened though, and i had eaten out all day (a thing i don't usually do) but it still makes me worry. + +I should also add i've started taking Paxil again last tuesday after tapering off of it in January due to my anxiety. I've read that it might cause some of the stuff i'm feeling, but i never had those the first time i took it, so i can't help but think i have cancer or something.",Anxiety +34396,"Tiny grain like feeling under foreskin 18 white male + +No meds + +Probably anxiety issues + + +So I've noticed that when I'm erect I can feel this tiny little bump thing on the tip of my penis head. I'm not circumcised and I feel like it's under the skin, like on my head. + +It doesn't really feel like a bump though, it almost like a grain, or like a gash or cut kinda feeling. It feels like it's almost inside the tip, I don't know. + + +I've felt it for about 2 weeks + + +I've looks up penile cancer and it's apparently super rare, so I don't know... + +",Anxiety +34397,"Inhalated AC/refrigerant chemicals Today, I was in sitting in a lounge area of a building at my university for about 10 minutes. All of a sudden, someone (who happens to be the professor of a class I'm in) walks by and asks ""Does it smell like burning plastic in here to anyone else?"". I took a whiff, and lo and behold, there was a *very* strong odor. A repair man eventually determined the problem to be that the HVAC system was leaking fluids into the ventilation. I left the building soon after the professor made his remarks, but I did return briefly a couple times to see if it had gotten better and to retrieve the laptop I left there. + +Since then (this was about an hour ago), I've kinda been feeling a weird sensation in my lungs or possibly my esophagus (not sure). How worried should I be about chemical inhalation, etc.?",Anxiety +34398,"I don't wanna jump to conclusions, but I'm a little worried about diabetes Just recently I have started to have trouble sleeping. My schedule, and everything has been a little messed up. I sleep for like 3 hours wake up, and can't go back to bed for a couple of hours while I feel decently thirsty, and hungry. Eventually I fall back asleep for another couple or hours, and wake up, not able to sleep until the next time. So after I have finnaly accumulated a normal amount of sleep I will eventually get up, but I don't really feel that great, but I don't necessarily feel that bad. + +For the past two-three days it seems to have been weird. The first day it was the same cycle except I woke feeling pretty aweful. Headache, not well rested, and tired. The second day I didn't really get a full 7-8 of rest, so for most of the day I felt like I was on the verge of falling asleep if I had any downtime of not doing really anything. That night I decided I would get a full night's rest in one full go as usual. I fell asleep pretty easy, but I woke up like 4 hours later having to pee pretty bad, and feeling thirsty. I was able to immediately go back to bed though. I awoke 3 more hours later, feeling as if I have to pee again, not as bad this time, BUT my thirst was pretty intense. I chugged some water, went to the bathroom, and gone back to bed. + +So I'm kind of afraid that this could be diabetes or something. I'm not overweight, but I'm definitely not active. My eating habits aren't too great either. I eat good foods, but most definitely eat a lot of bad foods. + +TL;DR: I'm not sleep well. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling thirsty, and having to pee. Thirst exclusive to night. ",Anxiety +34399,"HEALTH ANXIETY SYMPTOMS Hi guys, they said I have health anxiety, but I can't believe them because the symptoms are very real. Sometimes, I don't know if this is really anxiety. I went to hospital a lot of times and they said they don't find anything aside from my tubercolosis. But my doctor said that my TB is just mild and I don't have cough so it's not a reason yet to give me shortness of breath. I also had three ECG's and it all came up normal. + +It is really possible that you wIll just experience anxiety symptoms without any reason? Like I'm just playing computer and suddenly I can't breath. I worry most when I can't breath. YES! I can't breath. It's just suddenly. I;m not anxious about anything then suddenly I can't just breath. THANKS GUYS!",Anxiety +34400,"I could use some reassurance. Swollen lymph node, getting a biopsy Friday I have been having reoccurring sinus infections due to a tooth that needed a root canal. During that time, I went to an ENT who told me that my nose was a bit crooked and that was another reason. + +While I was there I thought I'd ask him about a lymph node in the back of my neck. When I first discovered it I thought it was a knot in a muscle so I tried to massage it out but it never went away. Eventually, I asked my GP about it and he said not to worry unless it grows. I don't think it has. + +I told him that it had been there for at least 2 years but more likely 3-4 years. He asked if it was stable and I said yes but he wanted to get an ultra sound. + +The ultra sound tech said she thought it was just a lymph node. I asked if she thought there was cancer in it, and she didn't think so but would let my ENT make that call. + +I went to the follow up and he mentioned the ultra sound doctor thinking it was a lymph node but wanted to get a needle point biopsy on it. He said that 9/10 times it was nothing but he would be a bad doctor if he didn't check. + +This triggered my health anxiety. What if I'm that 1/10? My brother had lymphoma when he was 27, and I'm 31. So I'm terrified. + +I poked it, and it got harder, and my neck got sore, and now I can't stop checking it even though I know I need to. I'm trying not to push on it and just brush my hand across it, but it's still there and it's still freaking me out. + +A few weeks ago I had a routine physical and my blood work was normal. My white blood cells were high but they were at 8 and the range was 1-10 was normal. My GP didn't think anything was wrong aside from minor cholesterol stuff that he put me on vitamins for. + +So I'm getting the biopsy on Friday, and following up on Wednesday to get the results. But in the meantime I'm spiraling here and looking for reassurance or help. + +I don't feel sluggish (aside from being tired, I have a very active 11 month old baby.) My color is good, no fever, no night sweats. I have chest pain but that's just anxiety that comes and goes with my panic attacks. My appetite is fine. My blood work came back fine. + +I'm over reacting, right? ",Anxiety +34401,"Pain in my right side, started two days ago, has been getting a bit worse. I'm not really sure why it hurts, but I have been consuming nicotine and caffeine and has felt a bit bloated. Any ideas what it could be? The pain is on my lower right side and is kind of dull but is getting worse. ",Anxiety +34402,"Fear about having a neurological disease Hey everyone, the last 3-4 days my anxiety have been high and i started noticing some things on my body, spasms being what is trully worrying me + I noticed i have a very small spasm on my arm muscle and on my leg muscle... sometimes the spasm is so soft that i cant really say if it is really spasms or just my pulsation but this have been driving me nuts today... Im just about to go to sleep and i noticed these spasms on my arm and on my leg happening all the time....they aren't violent they are soft and sometimes it feels like it is my blood pulsation....to make things worse i researched about neurological diseases and seen spasms related to ALS and multiple sclerosis and it has been driving crazy...i need to go to a neurologist but these things takes time and the results might be months from now and until there i will suffer this painful doubt about what my problem is...im really scared to be honest, i have developed a couple diseases recently due to the lifestyle of being severely depressed and i got a bunch of health problems...feels these things keep stacking up, health problem after health problem...i had a typical hypochondria episode many years ago that was typically delusional but i thought i overcame it....nowdays whenever my anxiety is high i start worrying about health problems that i already have...and symptoms that i wasn't able to find an answer yet...it is still there and it turns my peace of mind into hell..i dont know what to do about this...i am the kind of person that dont ease up until i get answers...i wont be able to rest until i know what i have and it is psychologically painful",Anxiety +34403,"Cervical cancer? Hi guys, I’m 18 years old and I have been noticing irregular periods and weird bloody discharge. I have no pain whatsoever, not during sexual intercourse or while urinating. I have an appointment to see a gyno but I’m really worried. Could this be cervical cancer or something else? (Also I’ve had a ultrasound done and everything was fine?? Can cervical cancer be detected through that?) ",Anxiety +34404,"Heart Attack No. 382837737 It sure is hard to convince yourself you don’t have heart problems when you feel all the symptoms of a heart attack (per Google). Chest pain, shoulder pains, arm pains, jaw pains. I know they’re due to my sleeping positions and constant jaw clenching but why, oh why, does anxiety mimic it so well?? ",Anxiety +34405,"I can't trust myself I have self DX-ed hypochondria, I've known I've had it for 4 years now.. The thing I struggle with the most is never being able to trust how I'm feeling. Every single symptom I feel, I panic.. ""is this a real symptom?"" ""is this just my anxiety?"" ""do I have anxiety because of my symptom or do I have the symptom because of my anxiety"" + +I feel like I'm going crazy, my family isnt supportive at all, a lot of the time I just need reassurence that I'll be okay, and yet all I get is sarcasm and jokes at my expense. + +I want to get better. I want to take medication but I cant force myself to take these pills. I'm too scared of the side effects. Scared I'll choke when taking the pill. I just want peace for once in my life. ",Anxiety +34406,"Lymphoma? About a year ago I been to the doctors and asked about these lumps I had it turned out that the doctor said It was cause due to sickness and lymph nodes. I been feeling it through the year and haven’t disappeared yet. Now I looked on the internet and YouTube and it told me that the three places that lymphoma usually occurs is neck, armpit, and near the groin that got me worried that I might have it and I don’t know what to do...... ",Anxiety +34407,"Just when I think I've made it, I get pulled back in. I've had so many tests, painful and otherwise, over the past several weeks. After finally getting a nearly clean bill of health, I brought up with my doctor the one thing I didn't think about until recently. I could feel a swollen lymph node just under my jaw over my carotid artery. what started to scare me, is that i realized I could feel that lymph node for something like 3 *months*. My doctor immediately ordered an ultrasound, and this morning I got a really somber call from a nurse at the Dr.'s office saying I needed to see an ENT right away: I not only have the one, but *multiple* enlarged lymph nodes in that area. My understanding is that the concern from my doctor is not just that there are multilple and they're enlarged (at least one is on the order of 2cm), but that at least one has persisted for so long, and even more alarming, I have no signs of an infection and my bloodwork is clean; apparently persistent enlarged, multiple lymph nodes with clean bloodwork is not a good sign. + +I've been freaking out all day and I've been trying to avoid the internet, but the soonest I can get in to see an ENT is next Tuesday, so I get to spend the next 4+ days agonizing about this. I'm 38 years old, and I've been through so many health symptom scares over the past couple of months (mostly heart related) that the anxiety is just making me lose my mind...",Anxiety +34408,Really scared of diabetes I am a major hypochondriac. This morning I woke up with terrible sharp pain in my left foot and odd bruising. My family doesn't seem to think it's anything too strange but I'm really worried that it's diabetes. I made the mistake of Googling my symptoms. I will go to a doctor but in the meantime I'm really scared. I can't find much online about random foot injuries in sleep that aren't due to diabetes.,Anxiety +34409,"I'm worried about my gum I can't sleep. I need help. My lower gum on the right has this little bulge (not really big). I researched and it said tooth abscess. And it said it could cause death. Am I gonna die? I also included my wisdom tooth in the mix, but I can't really differentiate the two. My neck also hurts by the way. Help me.",Anxiety +34410,"(vent) I probably got cavities from grinding my teeth for years and i'm fed up with being so anxious all the time This is my first post here, i just recently found this subreddit and it already helped me a lot just reading everyones posts. I always felt like i was completely alone in this, as my close family and friends are usually brushing me off. Also i apologize in advance, i'm not a native speaker so my english might be a bit off at times. + +Anyway, the main point of this is to just... put my feelings out there. I'd guess a few of you can relate. I hope this won't be too much, since i do tend to overshare when i'm depressed and i am depressed at the moment. + +I've been anxious and obsessive ever since i can remember. Couple of years ago i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and major depression, as well as BPD. Two years ago i was also diagnosed with AvPD and OCPD. I went through DBT two times, a third time is already scheduled. I was in therapy for over 5 years, but i have to quit. I've also been on Pregabalin for two years. + +Health Anxiety started last year for me, after I had finally cut ties with an emotionally abusive friend who basically made the past four years a living hell. I don't know if that was the cause but it happened around the same time. + +I've always grinded my teeth at night and i was wearing a mouth guard ever since that was discovered. However recently i lost mine, as i lost my bag during traveling (which has caused a lot of stress for me over the past week, as losing things is something i've always been anxious about), so the grinding has been worse. + +Thanks to my medication i have a very dry mouth and to top that off i also currently have a very bad cold, that's already got me on edge wether i'm developing pneumonia. + +Yesterday night was a very bad time for me. While brushing teeth my gums were bleeding a lot - i have very good oral hygiene, my doctor has never had any complaints and my gums never bleed - so brushed my teeth, used mouth wash and then went to sleep, trying to not go into the anxiety cycle again. After that however instead of falling asleep I spend hours googling things and being caught up in memories of said former abusive friend. I don't know where that came from, but it just overwhelmed me. + +Today i found a tiny black spot on my teeth, that won't go away. It looks like a tiny hole. And instead of listening to what i learned in therapy - i should've known better - i googled again. Turns out you can get cavities from grinding your teeth and wearing them down. I am fairly certain this is what's going on and i've scheduled an appointment for Monday. And now i'm trying to find ways to get through the weekend without too much stress, because i'm worried that might make my cold even worse and... you all probably can guess how the cycle spirals downwards from here. + +The thing i wanted to say about all this is the following: This sucks. Majorly. I am so tired of this anxiety, this obsessive overthinking of everything my body does; i'm tired of all these bad things that happened in the past still haunting me to this day. I'm tired of all the diagnosis i got - it feels like there's no chance of recovery because of all the things i have to work through. And i'm also tired of being aware that stress will wear my body down but that thought alone is causing me so much stress that it's a long spiral i can't seem to escape from. This right now feels like another punishment for not getting this right. I'm trying not to be too negative, but the thoughts keep forming in my head. Sometimes i just wish i could start anew because after i learned in therapy just exactly how all my problems started and how they escalated, i just wish i could redo my life and stop the anxiety before it even got this bad. + +I will continue to work through this. As we all do. I know that me wishing for a new start will never come to be and maybe that wouldn't even be for the best. I know i'm not and neither is anyone else here responsible for this condition. Right now it just felt like the thoughts were overwhelming me and i needed to tell someone. I know this can be beat, i just feel at a low point right now. + +If you read this, thank you for listening to me.",Anxiety +34411,Something wrong with my ears My ears pop very easily for some reason. It started when I was 6. I always re-equalize when my ears pop by holding my nose closed and sucking in. I sometimes also hear a really loud noise in my left ear when I do this. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. ,Anxiety +34412,"Difference between real symptoms and psychosomatic made symptoms? I ask this because I have been going through something extremely odd in the last year. All my medical tests suggest I am perfectly healthy but the symptoms I have been facing with are unlike anything I have experienced before. I am not just talking about your typical anxiety attack and heart palpitations but a constant state of bizarre sensations. My symptoms are: + +* severe insomnia +* Constant irritability +* Confusion and brain fog (what I perceive as working memory issues) +* muscle spasms/jerks +* vision, hearing, and skin hypersensitivity + +I am not looking for a diagnosis just understanding the line between a medical condition and something that is just anxiety. + +",Anxiety +34413,"Was doing so well until right now I started a new medication a month or so ago, and it seems to have quashed the intensity of my health anxiety. I was overjoyed about this! Finally, I had hope of living a life that wasn’t steered by hypochondria! But I’m currently having a setback. +Long story short, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. My girlfriend who I was really in love with broke up with me last week. That seems to be the major issue right now. But I’m getting some troubling symptoms. +All day, I’ve had this weird pain in my chest. I attributed this to emotional pain and didn’t think too much of it. Now, I’m also feeling it in my back and the pain is more to the left side of my chest. I am having some left arm pain as well, and it almost feels like some weakness too, but I can’t tell if this is my mind playing tricks on me. My heart is pounding, and I’m feeling a little lightheaded. I just feel off. +So, the 2 things I’m worried about are a heart attack, or something called Broken Heart Syndrome, which is a very real condition and has been proven to exist. +I’m not asking for a diagnosis of course, but has anyone else experienced something like this?",Anxiety +34414,"Stress and Increased Health Concerns? Hey all. + +I have recently been experiencing a lot of stress with my job. I mean, a lot. I am trying my hardest to cool down, but I can definitely tell that my body is reacting to the stress. Stress hives, hyperventilating, and all the while an increased worry that these are symptoms of something like lyphoma. + +Just looking for some support. Does anybody else find that their worry about having cancer or some other disease increase with stress about other things? Is this just what happens wit health anxiety?",Anxiety +34415,"Cat scratched behind my ear Hi all, life long health anxiety sufferer, history of as many as 45 ER visits in one year. Had it somewhat under control but the last 6 months I went thru a very hard time w my mental illness (CPTSD) and is flatingup again. + +Saturday my indoor cat scratched me pretty badly behind my ear (my fault, he hates being picked up). I made her mistake of reading online and found articles of people whose hearts have stopped and died from infected cat scratched. It’s now Friday and I spent the week completely distracted from my life . Today I was supposed to work a double shift but I was so distracted and anxious at work I just left and am now at emergency. I have no idea how long I’ll be here prob a long time. I feel like I’ve created most of mhm symptoms (fatigue - anxiety is exhausting, sore throat, I smoked a lot on the weekend. Chest pains- anxiety. ) I have no fever- just saw 36.9 . Feeling like maybe I should just leave and go back to work as I feel dumb being here but I’m too scared. Ughhh ",Anxiety +34416,"Scared of Klinefelters I seem to have alot of the symptoms for it, low confidence, Insecure and anxious and emotional, I didn't fit in and I admittedly have some feminine behaviors and I can't grow that much hair. (im 17 though, I have hair on my lower feet and the hair on my arms are coming in I guess), I got wide hips but I got big shoulders and I'm tall. I can only grow facial hair on mustache and chin though (it takes a month or two to become somewhat fullish looking) but my dad didn't grow facial hair until he was 22. + +As a kid I was described as somewhat masculine, never picked up girl toys and etc but I guess that doesn't really matter. + +The doctors diagnosed me as autistic when I was 7 and people sometimes confuse Klinefelter behavior for autism but I have a high verbal IQ and I can type fast. My IQ is 100 but Idk. + +I'm going to get my testosterone tested soon this Monday (i'm hoping, i'm going to ask the doctor about it.) But I'm really terrified and anxious, because this would mean everything I thought in my life up until now would be a lie and I also wont be able to have any kids which is the number one thing I want in life is to have kids. + +The symptoms of Klinefelters seems to vary so I'm just worried on having it, the only thing I really care is about the most is if I'm able to have kids with my girlfriend. + +I'm just making this post here to vent, sorry if its a bit of a nuisance, I'll delete it soon. + + +EDIT: Yeah I also have a history of hypochondria, I'm just really worried. ",Anxiety +34417,"Prostalgene Opiniones: Revolution Treatment of Prostatitis | Spain Prostalgene Opiniones penis is truly created from 2 paired cylinders which are typically called the Corpora Cavernosa. When these sorts of cylinders get disturbed, they expand and are filled up with blood that is responsible for creating the penis laborious during erections. Prostalgene work decreases with the age cluster. Therefore, the thickness and the potential of your erections depend upon the quantity of blood in your cylinders. Read more: http://www.supplementstest.com/prostalgene-opiniones/",Anxiety +34418,"Really worried about my kidneys. Any advice? I'm a 20 year old male, 5'7"", 130lbs. I got blood work done and it found my Ferritin to be high at 328 ug/L and B12 high at 658 pmol/L and high LDL cholesterol at 3.39 mmol/L. My eGFR is 88 with Creatinine at 105 umol/L and magnesium at 0.99 mmol/L. My urine came back negative for protein, blood and nitrite. A week later I had Ferritin tested again and it was 427ug/L. I also had an abdominal ultrasound which showed regular kidneys but a 3mm ployp was found on my gallbladder. It sound be noted that all the test I've done thus far has not been for my kidneys but a pain in my abdomen which I'm seeing a GI specialist for. Should I though look into my kidneys? As these findings from what I've read may seem normal for an older person but not a 20 year old. Also would working out hard just over 24hr before the test affect the results? Or a meat heavy diet dispite a 12hr fast? Thanks + +Also my grandma had polycystic kidney disease but from my understanding it was not the heredarity type.",Anxiety +34419,"This morning I found what may be a bald spot, which naturally confirmed all of my fears that I have lupus and I’m dying. Just an average Saturday! I am so happy I found this sub, if for anything else to know that I’m not the only one out here. + +I always do this...I work to ignore little things day after day that *could* be symptoms of something bigger, until suddenly I find that one thing that affirms that I’ve been negligent and now I’ll pay the price. + +I’ve been in the obsession spiral since 11am today. I recently gave myself an undercut and I checked the back of my head in the mirror before leaving the house to get lunch and noticed a huge spot of hair missing at my neckline. + +By the time I got to the restaurant I was on a website confirming that I do in fact have lupus and sobbing while playing the conversation in my head of having to tell my mother. + +For a moment I break through the cloud and say look at yourself! You noticed what MIGHT be a bald spot and now you definitely have lupus?? Get out of the spiral. You’re fine. + +Then I fall right back in. How dare I enjoy this hot dog right now like nothing is wrong!? I have lupus for god’s sake. + +It’s so bewildering how it takes this hold. + +So now I’ll work to distract myself until I can see a doctor, or the 800th time I check my hairline I can somehow convince myself that the spot has always been there and my hairline is just uneven. + +Thanks for existing and listening <3 +",Anxiety +34420,"I feel like an idiot for posting here but here goes: Brain tumor/cancer worries I feel like a dummy, but I've definitely suffered from health anxiety in the past(pregnancy scares with my ex, lymphoma scares, diabetes scares, etc) so I'm hoping this is just another case of me being a hypochondriac. + +For the past 2 weeks or so I've had this strange feeling in my head. I can't really call it a headache, its more of a ""pressure"" that can be felt throughout my head and sometimes more on the top. I wouldn't say its painful, just a really annoying feeling. I also feel somewhat of a ""pressure"" type feeling in my ears from time to time, with associated tinnitus. I've had minor hearing loss/tinnitus before this headache started, but obviously Dr. Google has indicated to me that this could be a tumor. I saw my doctor about it last week and he said that its more likely a tension headache, but that if the symptoms continued and I was still worried he'd order a head CT for me ( have a physical exam scheduled in a few days). I have no other symptoms or problems, and I'm a pretty damn healthy/active 23 year old. + +I guess i dont know what I'm asking for here, maybe just words of support from other people who have experienced something similar? The anxiety over this is killing me, and there is no real reason for me to be so stressed. Am I being stupid or are my concerns legitimate? Unfortunately I'm having trouble trusting my PCP...the lymphoma scare I mentioned earlier was the result of me feeling a lump in my neck which he diagnosed as a cyst (turns out it was actually an enlarged lymph node after an ultrasound was done)",Anxiety +34421,"Do any of you ever feel like you break through the anxiety for a minute And then it comes right back? Sometimes I’ll just be talking with my bf and realize how illogical I sound, which is incredibly liberating to be wrong about my health concerns (since we all assume the worst). I will just cry a lot because it’s like the person I was before my health anxiety was able to break through for a second and hold a mirror to my thoughts. I try so hard to hold onto that feeling. But anxiety is too powerful sometimes and I can’t help googling, asking my bf to look at something on my body, or simply thinking about death. + +I’m so much better than last year and the year before but my anxiety is still there. I just want to be normal. I want to be like my bf or anyone else without health anxiety",Anxiety +34422,"So tired of always fearing the worst I’ve been experiencing some digestion issues this week, and I know deep down that it’s probably because I’ve been home from college and eating much more/much greasier food than usual, but I can’t escape the thoughts that it’s something much worse. Even though I’ve looked up symptoms and have nothing in common with any of them, except for the ones I know I’m probably just imagining, it still makes me so scared. Nothing to do but wait it out and see what happens when I’m back in school I guess, hopefully it just all goes away. + +I hate feeling this way, and I know my family/SO hate it too, is there anything that you all do to help with these feelings? ",Anxiety +34423,Anyone else have health anxiety only about their genitals? I recently realised that about 95% of my health anxiety is about my genitals. This really blows because your genitals are something which are dear in a way to you and are obviously very private parts of your body. Wondering if anyone else is like me?,Anxiety +34424,"Can't gain weight? Okay so I'm gonna preface this by saying that I used to weigh almost 200 pounds. In the past year I've lost 50ish pounds, and I'm at a healthy weight for my height. I did restrictive diets to lose weight, but at this point I'm working out so if I gain weight I don't really care because I know I won't gain weight in my stomach. + +There's just one problem. In September, I had my gallbladder removed. I'm not supposed to be eating oily food, but I'm a teen so of course I'm going to. The first month after my surgery, I ate like a pig and I didn't exercise. I lost 10 pounds. I have bulimia, but I'm in recovery and I don't purge often at all (like only 1-2 times a month when I relapse). At this point, I literally can't stop eating. I'll be full as hell but I still can't stop. I've recorded it, and I've been eating about 3500-4000 calories a day for the past few weeks (according to my Fitbit, I only burn about 2200). I haven't gained a pound. All I've done is lost (1-2 pounds a week). I should also mention that I have super low blood pressure (the doctors don't know why; I eat salty stuff all the time). Every time I stand up, I get lightheaded and spotty vision and I have to lean against something. I don't know what to do. Any medical professional that I talk to about this says that I'm ""just a teen with a high metabolism."" But I've had to lose weight in the past so I don't understand.",Anxiety +34425,"Anyone tried exposure therapy? My therapist says that exposure therapy is one of the best ways to treat health anxiety disorder, which we're starting on Thursday. Just wondered how many of you are currently receiving treatment of any kind, and how many have tried this particular modality. + +She said once we get into the exposure therapy, I will need to try to limit ""safety behaviors,"" e.g. googling, seeking comfort from my boyfriend, taking supplements, etc. (Things I do to comfort myself when the anxiety gets bad.) I'm nervous! What have you guys experienced?",Anxiety +34426,"More visible veins in my hands/feet than usual, paranoid about it Noticed yesterday that there seemed to be more visibile veins in my hands and feet, especially while they were facing the ground. I know veins would fill with blood because of gravity, but like I said, a lot more visible than normal and more bulged out. + +Don't have any pain, no tingling or weakness or anything, skin hasn't changed color, they're certainly not misshapen like varicose veins... But just seeing them has me freaked out, especially a couple thick ones near my ankle bone. It's been extremely distracting, staving off panic every time I notice them.... ",Anxiety +34427,"Healthy Anxiety worst nightmare! -> HPV Hi All, + +A year ago I found out that I had a wart in my throat ""possibly linked to HPV"". It was removed and biopsy confirmed as benign. HPV, specifically HPV-16 found to be a major risk factor for oral/throat cancers possibly contracted by kissing, oral sex, towels and other methods. + +It triggered major health anxiety within me and my life practically ended. I quit my job, I stopped any type of intimate relationships and basically waiting for life to have a miserable cancer ending. + +I did about 10 times oral sex in my life in total (about 5 different women) and now I'm certain I contracted HPV in my throat according to the statistics that everyone got that virus. + +I don't even know if I should vaccinate (I'm 36) because the manufacturer itself says it could increase the risk of cancer if you already got infected with HPV-16/HPV-18. + +Yes I know in 90% the immune system clears it, in the rest of the cases, you are as good as dead. + +There is no cure, there is no test and I'm positive I'm headed for cancer. + +I tried doctors, GPs, ENTs, CBT therapists, alternative therapists, nothing works for me. + +My life is practically over. + +I considered to start taking AHCC pills which women (and some preliminary trial) claim can help clear HPV faster just in case I did contract it (I can never know). + +",Anxiety +34428,"Healthy Foods Items It is a website link, +I want to ask you it should be right or not??? +http://beautysign.cf/healthy-foods-items/",Anxiety +34429,"Does weed trigger intense panic attacks for anyone else? There was a time where I'd smoke weed and it would make me socially inept but also incredibly relaxed and I could just sit and play a game for hours. I haven't smoked since 2015 (though I've gotten a slight second hand high from sitting in a car with my friends) + +I recently figured I might as well try some as I've had trouble falling asleep and I don't want to use heavier drugs to get to bed. Well I smoked a small amount but immediately it made my heart beat so hard it almost felt painful. I had a minor panic attack but after a few minutes I went to bed. + +This morning a friend used a knife of mine to cut dabs and some dab residue was left on the knife, I figured I might as well gum it and see if it does anything and then go to bed. I awoke an hour after passing out to find my heart rate was incredibly high and it was also beating weakly. I felt tired, dizzy and panicked out of my mind. I sent an embarrassing string of texts to my two closest friends and heavily debated going to the ER. I had drank a fair bit the night before and I take 5-HTP for anxiety and I was worried I'd given myself serotonin syndrome or that my heart was somehow damaged. + +After a while I went to bed and woke up 6 hours later, I've phoned in to work and am spending the night recouping but I still feel off. Over the past 3 weeks I've been feeling like I'm going to die somehow. Whether it's by alcohol, serotonin syndrome, a really bad anxiety attack or something else. + +It's all coming back to me as my 1 year anniversary of getting HA rolls around (I started having panic attacks at this point last year). This was my worst episode yet and I felt absolutely insane. I can't stand not knowing whether I'm okay or not. For the whole day I once again have been + super conscious of my heart. + +Hopefully I can fight this off once again, I guess it's going to be an ongoing battle.",Anxiety +34430,"Swollen lymph nodes (for years) driving me up the wall. Ugh Hello! I just found this sub and it's so nice to know it isn't just me. + +This month has been full of health issues and to try to make it a long story short, an eating disorder gave me a ton of symptoms that I didn't even consider were from not eating such as really bad nerve pain, dizziness, lethargy, LOTS of weight loss, etc. I was POSITIVE the nerve pain, positioned right over my left chest, was a heart attack and went to the ER at 4am. They did an EKG, a blood test, urine test, a full physical and xray. Everything was a-okay aside from malnutrition and general ED signs. + +I started eating regularly and every symptom went away completely. I feel healthier than I have in a long time (go figure. eating helps) and I felt reassured and content for about 3 weeks. This all started on the 23rd of last month.But now, I have a swollen rock hard lymph node under my chin I've never had before that is sore and a few big but squishy ones on the sides of my neck along with the muscles on the sides of my jaw being sore (I grind my teeth, possible cause?) + +Something else that is important to note is I had shingles at around age 15 with very swollen and painful lymph nodes and a lot of them never went down. I'm 22 now and can't remember a time when they weren't swollen and occasionally painful, but for some reason NOW I'm convinced I have lymph node cancer and can't stop freaking out about it because a new one popped up. I also have yet to gain any weight back but maybe it just hasn't been long enough yet. Panic attacks are becoming a regular occurrence. Has anyone experienced lymph nodes swollen for 7 years? I would have way more symptoms than just pain and swelling if it was cancer, right? I just need some reassurance or tips, I think. Thank you so much and I hope you all have a good anxiety free night.",Anxiety +34431,"Rabies Anxiety I’ve had a series of hypochondriac scares over the past few years, but most recently I’ve been concerned about rabies. About ten days ago I let my indoor cat out in the backyard to sun herself and I caught her hissing at (what I think is) a neighbor’s cat that had jumped over the fence. I didn’t want them to get in a fight so I shoo’d the other cat away and waited outside for my cat to calm down. After about ten minutes I picked up my cat to bring her inside and she freaked out and bit me. Since then, the though that she might have given me rabies has been constantly on my mind, causing a great deal of anxiety. I know that my cat is vaccinated (she was given a 3 year booster 2 and 1/2 years ago) and the neighbor cat was not rabid. I know that rabies, especially from cat to humans, is very rare in the US. I know that I’m being absolutely ridiculous, but knowing that doesn’t help. I keep thinking maybe the booster wore off prematurely, or the neighbor cat did have rabies and my cat bit her before biting me. It doesn’t help that I woke up today with a headache and a sore throat, two early symptoms of rabies, and that I’ve been having nightmares where I loose my mind and become aggressive. +I’m not sure exactly what to do about this or what this post is supposed to do. I’m on lexapro for general anxiety and OCD tendencies. I guess I just want to be told I’m a healthy idiot. ",Anxiety +34432,"Lit a candle, I think heat fumes hit my eye. I was lighting a candle, then heat fumes bursted up and hit my eye. I'm very paranoid, any suggestions?",Anxiety +34433,Headache = brain swelling aneurism type thing? Currently having such anxiety and can’t sleep because I have a slight headache after smoking weed (which often gives me headaches) and I think it’s me dying of a brain swelling or aneurysm. Someone tell me I’m okay ,Anxiety +34434,"PSA: Stephen Hawking has died, think twice about reading articles about him Hey guys, just a quick PSA here. Stephen Hawking has sadly passed away this evening and news stories about his life will unavoidably detail his terrible disease. If you really want to read the articles, I suggest getting somebody to read it first and to make sure it is HA friendly. + +Be well!",Anxiety +34435,"Didn't realize I wasn't alone +it's honestly so refreshing that I am 1. Not crazy and 2. not alone. + +I feel alone. People always judge when I try to tell them how terrified of diseases (especially STD's) and almost make fun of me. My boyfriend is really supportive but it's rough because he has no idea how to tell it and tbh neither do I. I really wanna go on medication because it's to the point where it takes a daily toll on my life. I don't know anyone who has health anxiety like I do and it's just really scary. ",Anxiety +34436,"Flomax Capsule I have an issue swallowing pills but I spent half an hour today trying to get a flomax pill to go down by chasing it with water. Eventually the pill cracked open from sitting in water for too long and I went ahead and swallowed about less than 1/3 of the little beads inside the capsule. +I hear it’s dangerous to consume a pill that is crushed or broken down because it gives you large dosage at once. The good part is that I didn’t swallow even half of what was inside the flomax pill. However, I’m second guessing myself and wondering if I should get checked at the ER or just wait it out. +Any ideas? Is pill crushing as serious as it’s made out to be? ",Anxiety +34437,"Weird muscle sensation anxiety Hello. I'm 17 years old, not active at all, and last week I went to the doctor for a tingling feeling in my arms and leg. My doctor said that the tingling is likely due to a lack of exercise, since once I come home from school, I either sit at my desk or lay down using my phone for hours. + +Of course, I'm going to take my doctor's advice and exercise/improve my diet, but that'll take time to see results. Could this really be it? I've never heard of your muscles falling asleep/tingling from a lack of exercise before. ",Anxiety +34438,"Do you think my doctor would object to me asking for an EKG for the sole purpose of soothing my anxiety? I've been having chest pain these past few days after a really bad heart palpitation that freaked me out. I recently saw my doctor three times in a row and worry about looking like I'm crazy for going in for something that is almost definitely anxiety. + +I just feel that an EKG would be quick and simple, and I don't want to beat around the bush - I'd rather just tell her it's because I'm anxious. + +I guess the reason WHY I'm anxious is reason enough for a test?",Anxiety +34439,"I'm convinced I may have blood clots in my leg. At the start of the week, the box spring of my bed caved in while I was sleeping. I didn't notice this as I'm a deep sleeper. When I woke up, I realized this and noticed my lower back was in great pain and my right leg felt like it was on the verge of cramping. It wasn't impossible to walk, just difficult, and I assumed it was mostly because of my back. + +A day later, my leg is in great pain and I'm only able to be comfortable in very specific situations. This time, I can only walk a little due to the pain increasing. I still figured it was just some sort of leg cramp waiting to happen, but I kept noticing a pulsating sensation in my thigh and shin. I replaced my box spring and was able to rest, somewhat, even though the pain is very noticeable. + +The morning of the third day, I was woken up by the pain in my leg. I can walk but at this point, it's unbearable. It's as if I'm experiencing a perpetual leg cramp. I look into my symptoms a bit and can no longer shake the fear that I may have developed blood clots after my box spring caved in so I arrange for someone to take me to the hospital (I couldn't drive). This was sheer agony as it has become impossible for me to sit upright. Despite the fact that they recognized I was in great pain, the doctor didn't perform an ultrasound. She told me I had no symptoms of a blood clot and that I just had a muscle spasm. I was prescribed baclofen, meloxicam, and lisinopril *(slightly unrelated, it seems I had high blood pressure on three consecutive visits and apparently this was a cause for concern)*. + +I went home, took the pills, and tried to sleep, thinking all I could do was rest. I wake up a few hours later to find the pain is even worse and my right foot is tingly. I had to get a second opinion. I arrange for a second trip to a different hospital and again, they recognized how much pain I was in and rushed me through. The only problem was...this doctor seemed almost apathetic. I explained the situation and he wanted to know exactly why I thought I have blood clots, and I told him about the numerous articles I read. This prompted a quiet dismissive response (very frustrating because I'm not the type to frantically rush to the hospital out of paranoia alone), and just like the other doctor, he told me I had no symptoms of a blood clot. + +Well...it's the fourth day, I've done nothing but try to rest and now I'm forced to take pain pills, yet I can still feel the pain regardless. What am I supposed to do if I have blood clots? Am I supposed to wait until my leg is the size of a log before it becomes an issue? I mean, shouldn't they have at least checked to be safe?",Anxiety +34440,"Retinal detachment flashes How exactly do they look like? + +A month ago I discovered I have floaters and I am only 20 years old. Read around for a while and discovered that the appearance of floaters is a usual sign of retinal detachment. However, it will also be accompanied with partial vision loss and light flashes. + +What do those flashes look like? +Are they like shooting stars? +Like a camera flash? +Or like half or all vision suddenly gets brighter like its 12pm in the middle of a desert? + +The thing is I sometimes feel like there's something flying by so fast like a fly or something. It happens once or twice a day when it's night and usually on the sides. + +Should I be worried?",Anxiety +34441,"Morning discussion on what stress is and how to take control of it. (NYC) Hey everyone! A friend of mine, Sean Light, is leading a discussion on stress and how to manage it. He is a former health and wellness coach for many pro teams. It is going to be at a wework location on March 24th at 10am. Let me know if you would like to join us. ",Anxiety +34442,"Eye Check Up So yesterday my optician spotted black dots in my eye and said it could be cancer related or blindness incoming. + +She recommended me to check it with a specialist, I'm just too afraid to face it you know? Like I'm thinking if I should just overdose or kill myself right now even before facing the results or the truth about my condition. + +Anyone knows how to cope with this? Anxiety is killing me. ",Anxiety +34443,Coping Advice I was wondering if anyone had any advice for coping with HA for someone who can't afford the tests for peace of mind,Anxiety +34444,"Questions about lymph nodes I see that this topic is posted pretty often, so I’m sorry. But I have a few questions I can’t seem to find answers for. + +1. Are they supposed to hurt? Mine doesn’t. The area around it hurts occasionally, but not often. Mostly at night time when I’m going tonight bed. I’ve also been experiencing stomach pains. Don’t know if they’re related though. + +2. It’s only one on the left side of my groin. I had a spider bite (I’m assuming, could have been some other kind of bug. Was definitely a bite) on my business. That healed up a few days ago, the node hasn’t even slightly changed. + +",Anxiety +34445,Recurring chest pain for around a month So I started having pain on the left side of my chest on the inner part of my pec towards the top. It happens mainly when I exhale. Kind of a sharp pain. It sometimes happens on the tail end of taking a deep breath. Movement doesn't increase it. The pain hasn't increased. It's possible that the frequency at which it happens has. I had an appoint two weeks ago and had an ekg and blood tests which neither of which showed abnormalities. Im a 29 y/o male who has exercised on and off for most of my life. Only problem I have is decently high cholesterol. I called the doctor today and they made a referral to a cardiologist on Apr 21. I want to think that's to much I hope. My first worry goes to endocarditis.☹️. Other than that I don't know what to think of it. It's hard not to worry about it. I want to assume its inflammation but I've never experienced something this consistent for so long.,Anxiety +34446,"Glad to see I’m not alone. I am so tired of feeling like this.... Reassurance never lasts very long, huh? My anxiety/hypochondria has flares up after like 3 years of being “okay”. +I had a whole physical a couple weeks ago. I know I got to work on weight and diet. However, bp was great, urine no sugar or blood. Bloodwork will take a couple days to get back. I addressed all my heart anxiety fears. Got an EKG too and the doctor said I had “pretty” pqrts (or whatever it’s called). +I do have Hashimotos, but not on medicine as of right now. + +I have suffered from anxiety/depression past 18 years (I’m 35 now). It was SOOOO bad. Frequent trips to doctors, ER, urgent cares. Every single possible test done. I have always been “okay”. Then I was okay for a long while. Or at least all my symptoms became manageable. + +I was wondering if there was anyone to talk to about this. Why do I IMMEDIATELY think I’m dying? Why do I feel like I’ve failed when I’ve been alright for many years. Why do I physically feel something and think I’m for sure dying? + +Last night I had a headache and convinced myself it was a stroke. I spent an hour staring in the mirror and doing self administered stroke tests. Today I feel like little pings of pain (but not really even pain, but not a shock feeling either, just feel something), mostly in my right arm/hand. I am trying to tell myself it’s not a heart attack. + +I just want to know I’ll be okay. I wish every day I could brush things off or rationalize it better. I sometimes can and then there are times like this where I’m freaking out on the inside. The funny thing is, in my day to day life I function. I’m a mom, I have a job. I also happen to have a husband who has been battling cancer for the last 2 years. I do what I have to do. But inside my head, I feel like a prisoner because it is so consuming. + +Lastly, I have started therapy again and I am hopeful that will help again. + +Thank you for reading this and listening to me 🙂(and I am fully aware how crazy some of what I’ve said sounds. The rational/sane part of me is over feeling and thinking this way)",Anxiety +34447,"How good/bad is your long term memory? I am 22 now, but the past (my teenage years and younger) seem so foggy. How clearly should do you remember the past? ",Anxiety +34448,"Long time HA resurfacing (lymph nodes) help appreciated Hi. I am a 19 yo male and I have suffered from health anxiety for almost 7 years now. It has been better recently since i went to therapy and started to excercise more. +About two months ago my parents got divorced, and recenty things haven't been too good within the family. I noticed slight pain in my stomach about three weeks ago and haven't got rid of this creeping feeling of anxiety since. +So, today at work I go normally to the restroom and strech my groin since ot was feeling a bit stiff. While feeling the groin with my hand I notice a bump and freak out completely. It's about 2cm long and quite narrow. +My first thought is obviously lymphoma. I mean how could it not be... I haven't been sick since the first week of January so it can't have swollen on it's own right?? Then I connect the weird feelings in my stomach during the last three weeks to the bump and the anxiety is back all guns blazing. +How do I move on from here? + +Tl;dr/summary +185cm tall and 65kg, skinny. Noticed a new bump in my left groin, it does not hurt but is quite hard and about 2cm long and narrow. I have previously noticed two other lymph nodes one in each groin and they feel similar but slightly larger. The only reason why I think its a swollen lymph node is because I haven't noticed it earlier (I dont check my groins very often). + +Edit. I think its important to note that I started a new job in a warehouse two weeks ago. I lift boxes, stand and walk the whole day so my muscles are very tense all the time. Could this have something to do with the bump",Anxiety +34449,"Hard lymph nodes on mastoid bone and back of neck. Hello Reddit. + +Im a 28/male/6'7/200lbs. + +For months now I've had two rock hard lymph nodes behind my ear on the mastoid bone. On top of that I've had one right next to my spine on the back of my neck, right around my hairline. I've been having some neck pain and headaches non stop for three months. I've also noticed I have some brownish skin spots in my hairline. I've also noticed if I dig my fingers down in my skin near the node in my neck, it feels like I can grab this round lump. + +I've been to the doctors and they brushed it off. they assured me its not cancer,is or anything like that. They me on some antibiotics a few months ago and it did nothing. They're not red, or painful. They're hard and kind of fixed in place. They aren't growing either. They've been the same size the whole time. + +I get this is a long shot, but I'm not sure what to do. Could the ones behind my ear be rock hard because it's right on the mastoid bone?",Anxiety +34450,"Chest pain insomnia ugh All day I was experiencing intermittent chest pain near my heart. Knowing I have anxiety, I always try my best to give random aches and pains a chance to subside but it gets really hard at night. Now I keep waking up and feeling it, and worse, now I feel this weakness like my blood sugar or blood pressure is off. I just had a regular wellness exam about a month or so ago and my blood pressure is always low so I know it's ridiculous to think I suddenly have some kind of heart disease but oh my god I can't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time and its killing me! Unfortunately I just moved recently and I absolutely hated the doctor I saw at my union's preferred primary care provider, and they are closed on weekends anyways. So I'm pretty much just stuck stressing and worrying. Please let this go away tomorrow! + +How's everyone else doing tonight? ",Anxiety +34451,"Health anxiety in PEAKS So.. I’m 21 now and I have crazy health anxiety from the past two years. When I was 13 my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia..she’s fine now but I never came out of that trauma. I’m really happy to have her by my side and I feel like I am the luckiest today.. but it has left a very bad effect on me. Everyday I feel like I have a disease developing inside of me.. + +I’m really really scared of cancer and any life threatening disease.. every week I have a new symptoms to worry about. I have constant heart palpitations. I’ve tried a lot.. exercised, distracted myself but that fear never left me. +And now I am at my worst. I feel lightheaded in the middle of nowhere, I have palpitations, disorientation, depression and I keep crying. I have loss of appetite, gastric trouble, chest pains and what not! And recently I just checked my blood pressure it came out to be 140/80 with a racing heart. This has been killing me since the past week. I’m so scared now that I have hypertension and it’s going to affect my health. ( because when I googled hypertension it showed lightheadedness as a symptom) +I also have another fear.. I can’t get any tests done. I’m really scared of getting them done bc I feel like they’ll be something wrong and life can never get better. +I haven’t been to a psychiatrist yet.. because many people have told me that the drugs don’t help and that they cause other side effects which aren’t good for your body. +I need help... should I get tests done or go to a psychiatrist??",Anxiety +34452,"Sudden severe head and neck pain...should I worry? I was laying in bed when I felt a really weird painful feeling in my neck. It was almost like a stretching feeling. Then the pain moved up to the back right of my head. Now it feels like there’s some pressure back there, as well as in my neck. I’m also feeling a bit dizzy and shaky. I’m really worried that I tore an artery or something. ",Anxiety +34453,"So I'm in diagnostic phase to see if I have breast cancer and my doctors won't tell me anything. Okay so backstory. Four (4) weeks ago I found a lump under my armpit. It was hard, fixed in place and didn't hurt. I watched to see if it would go away and it didn't. So I made an appointment with my GP. + +When he examined it he found that it was coming off of breast tissue of my right breast and ordered a mammogram and ultrasound which I had Wednesday. + +They found three lumps in my breast (not including what is under my arm) as well as my lymph nodes being enlarged. The only reason I know this is because I saw this on the ultrasound and asked the sonographer (sp?). + +She showed the doctor my results and they recommended a CT Scan with Contrast and are sending me to a specialist. + +I've called to try and get my results from the mammogram/ultra sound but they won't give them to me over the phone (which I understand). + +I had the CT Scan today and see the specialist Tuesday. + +I'm wondering if this was the process those of you with breast cancer (or any cancer really) went through test wise or do I have nothing to worry about?",Anxiety +34454,"Lifelong Hypochondriac/Health Anxiety. I didn't even know this Reddit existed until someone told me today after I posted in r/xxketo about my platelet count. I am 33 years old and started with the HA when I was 16. I went to the doctor yesterday after troubling symptoms for a few weeks. I had a baby 3 months ago and gained 50 pounds, so I have attributed my symptoms to weird hormones and my dieting, but my health anxiety has come back full swing and now I'm obsessing about cancer of the lungs, ovaries, lymphoma/leukemia and stomach etc..I also obsess about my heart rate, lymph nodes, I constantly check my fingers for capillary refill, check pulse, temp, blood pressure and pupils. I have also obsessed about blood clots in the legs/lungs since this all started in 2001. I get blurry vision and dizziness/vertigo often, along with a burning stomach, throat and esophagus, constant post nasal drip, and tingling in my hands/arms and legs/feet. Hot/cold flashes, weirdish night sweat ( hardly any sweating, really) and I have had severe joint pain and swollen, red joints since 2015. It's intermittent and comes and goes. They have done RA bloodwork and gotten nothing, even though my grandmother had RA and my aunt has lupus. + + Today I got my lab work and literally everything was amazingly perfect except my platelets, which were 384( it said the range is 150-379) and my T3 uptake for my thyroid was low..by 2 points. My doctor hasn't said anything yet, I have an appointment again next week to discuss the results. Every part of me is so stiff and hurts so bad. My joints sear with pain and aching and my muscles are in total knots. I always feel nervous and anxious, I feel nauseated and not even prilosec helps. It hurts to move sometimes. My bloodwork is always pretty much normalish, this is the first time I've gotten something even remotely off. I'm always scared I'm going to die. I feel so vulnerable like I'll break if I push myself or do anything. I have tried CBD oil, kratom, cannabis and then also prescription drugs like Zoloft, Celexa/Lexapro, Ativan ( only thing that ever helped me.) This is the worst condition to suffer from and I wouldn't wish this kind of torment on my worst enemy. I hate this shit. I know ya'll do, too. ",Anxiety +34455,"First time poster, never used to be like this! Hi all, + +About two years ago I passed out in my bedroom after riding home from work by bike on a cold day. Immediately jumped into a hot shower. Felt dizzy, confused, and then boom, hit the ground. Was kind of half aware half unaware, but then had a killer headache after a bit and slept it off. + +Went to the ER the next day for a CT Scan. Everything was peachy. Went about my regular day for a good 4 months until I was playing league and all of a sudden the cursor disappeared whenever it went past my right eye. I could still see out of it, but I couldn't follow the cursor. Then the text became hard to read. Then I tried texting my mom that I was having a stroke but it came out like gibbrish. Then slow creeping numbness up my left arm all the way to my face. Somehow managed to call 911 and they brought me in by ambulance. Diagnosed migraines. MRI was clean. + +All that happened two years ago. I regularly get these stroke-level migraines with aphasia and confusion about once a month. Every sinus infection is a brain infection, every unsymmetrical feature on my skull is a swollen lymph node and lymphoma. I'm itchy all the time in my apartment, so I've got liver failure. Every minor ache or pain is the worst possible disease. I can't help myself making doctor appointments because I don't believe I have migraines. + +My life has been ruined, my personality completely changed. I don't even feel real, I walk around with de-realization daily. Who am I? + +WTF is going on and how do I begin to deal? I'm only 29 and by most accounts pretty healthy.",Anxiety +34456,emetophobia I'm so tired of thinking about the stomach bug constantly. I can't even have a normal life. Im so worried about every meal becoming the one I have to throw up later. I worry my kids are gonna wake up and be sick with the stomach bug. It's a constant thought on my brain from the minute I wake up to the next time I wake up in the middle of the night. The only relief I get is when I have a wake up in the middle of the night and feel somewhat normal and then the sense of dread comes to my brain like...maybe this is my last hour feeling normal and I'm gonna start vomiting soon. ,Anxiety +34457,"Awful feeling of dizziness and brain fog when standing? Just recently, I’ve been experiencing a lot of dizziness, slight heartburn + stomach aches, and heat flashes. Heat flashes aren’t exceptionally uncommon for me. I also get a lot of stomachaches. Im not too worried about those. I have bad anxiety in general to begin with, so when I started noticing (around Tuesday or so) I was getting this dizzying brain fog sort of thing I really began to freak out. + + I’ve never experienced it before and I’m worried it’s something serious. I’m chalking it up to stress right now (just had a family death, general school stress, being broke, lack of sleep, etc) but I’m really worried. It hasn’t stopped. I feel like I’m about to faint frequently. It’s weird to describe, but it’s almost like my brain is going a few steps too far ahead of my body. Sometimes vice verse. I stumble a lot when it happens and often need to hang on to something to steady myself. + +I’ve noticed this is mostly happening when I stand. It’s not as frequent or severe as when I’m laying down, which makes it really hard to get stuff done. I don’t think it’s dehydration or a lack of sleep, either. I’ve been getting 10+ hours of sleep in since it began and I’ve been drinking as much water and Gatorade as possible. + +Has anyone else experienced this? Should I be calling a doctor?",Anxiety +34458,"Has anyone else have had this type of anxiety attack? I have generalized anxiety but for the past couple of months, due to the death of a loved one, my health anxiety, which was already present, has skyrocketed. + +Anyway, yesterday I started feeling anxious about something else than my health and then I had some coffee and started to feel sick, like I was dizzy, confused and nauseous. Health anxiety showed up again. While I was walking home I was constantly thinking I was going to die right there in the street and I started crying. I kept thinking ""I don't want to die in the street like this. At least let me get home before I die."". I got home and my relatives tried to comfort me, but I couldn't calm down. I kept crying and feeling ill. I even vomited a little. Anyway, they helped me test my temperature and blood pressure and blood sugar and they all looked fine, but I was not feeling fine at all. Eventually I did calm down, but it felt like forever. And I still feel physically bad, so to say. I have aches and pains all over all the time. I feel like I'm 80 and I'm only 25. + +I don't get the normal ""raising heart beat thinking I'm having a heart attack"" kind of anxiety attacks so I'm not even sure if this is anxiety attack. Did any of you experience something similar?",Anxiety +34459,"Dull Toothache. Should I go to ER or just wait it out. So on Wednesday I made a steak at home and got a string of fat stuck in between my back right two teeth. After eating when to floss and pick it out, and digged around for a while. I think I got the piece out but my gums were bleeding a good amount. Note I do have healthy teeth and go to the dentist every year. On Saturday afternoon that tooth and jaw area had a dull pain, made me stay in the night as it was just annoying. Today woke up and for the first hour seemed alright but that dull pain is now back. The thing is I am in the army and we are going to the field (woods for training) these next two weeks. So I won't be able to go see a dentist. Today is my last free day. Should I go the hospital since the dentist is closed today. Of course my hypochondria is freaking out because all these things of people dying from un-treates tooth infections.",Anxiety +34460,"I feel I'm becoming obsessed with the fear of being diabetic. Don't really know how to stop thinking about it. If this belongs more on r/diabetes I apologize and I'll remove if needed. + +TL;DR: Been scared of being diabetic since 2016 and got myself tested twice since last year. They found nothing, but because of my anxiety, I can't stop obsessing over it, wondering if i really do have it and they just misdiagnosed me and I don't know what I can do to trust the word of the Doctor or stop obsessing over it all. + +Over the past year or so, since 2016, I feel I've been fearful over being a diabetic. It's scary to me. Back in 2016, when I was having some frequent urination problems, I went and looked it up(Big mistake, I know...) and saw that they were possibly linked to things like diabetes, anxiety, prostate cancer I think I saw also..and diabetes was the one I started to worry the most about. So I looked into the other symptoms and started to piece together in my mind that I might have it. + +After some fighting with myself, I went and got myself tested. Blood test showed nothing and I was able to relax and calm myself, and it felt like the frequent urination problem I had stopped after hearing that. + +The problem came back though in last November. In December 2017, I got myself tested once again for it, this time they gave me a urine test. Saying that they would do a blood test if the sugar in it was high enough. Which did worry me a little because it wasn't what I was used to seeing with diabetic tests, but I did my best to trust it. They didn't need to do the blood test and said that things were okay. + +Then this year, I felt i started to doubt it, thinking I was being misdiagnosed, that the test wasn't accurate enough and that I do have it, they just haven't figured it out yet. + +I feel I'm gonna go back to my doctor's for a 3rd time to get tested because I'm waking up at night to urinate. But I don't know how to stop obsessing and panicking over this. It feels like every time something minimal goes wrong with my body. My mind is sent into overdrive, thinking it's something truly awful going on with me. + +I was diagnosed with anxiety, I know that much. So much that it feels like it does effect my day to day life a bit. I'm gonna try and get some therapy for it hopefully soon. ",Anxiety +34461,"Vape! I got a juul the other day and I’ve been through about 9 pods and I got this weird chest pain so I stopped and went to the doctor and the pain went away + +Doc said I’m good even did a chest x Ray + +But I took a couple hits every now and then and it makes my chest hurt + +It’s like a dull pain near my heart +What is wrong",Anxiety +34462,"new here and need support Hello, +I am a sufferer of health anxiety and have been learning a lot about this disorder recently. I've always battled anxiety and depression but it hit an entirely new level when I was pregnant with my son (who is now 4) and since his birth. Throughout his pregnancy, I was convinced something was wrong with him. I was never relaxed or trusting, despite having a textbook pregnancy with no issues. +Since his birth, I have been obsessed-- and I do mean OBSESSED-- with having breast cancer. I have had an absolute terror of cancer my whole life but it has reached a new level of hell in the past few years. I have to say-- and this is me venting here-- I am incredibly resentful of the overabundance of information on the internet about breast cancer because every time I google anything to do with my boobs it comes up as cancer. And it's because of this I have ended up in my lady doctor's office 4 times now, showing her my breasts and the new dimple or vein or whatever that I have recently discovered. + +In my research on health anxiety, I have learned that it falls more on the OCD spectrum than anything else, which makes a lot of sense to me. My fear of breast cancer has become an obsession, taking over my life at times and preventing me from enjoying anything. And the way I ""deal"" with it is compulsive-- by chronically checking myself, over and over and over again, in the mirror with my hands, etc. I feel like I am discovering some new symptom every other day. + +Before anyone asks, no, I have not had a mammogram. I stopped breastfeeding my son 4 months ago and was advised to wait until at least 6 months. I have had my breasts looked at and examined and, each time, the doctor has said that things look and feel totally normal. They've also reminded me that by breastfeeding my son past 2 years, I have reduced my lifetime risk for BC by 30-40%. +I (mostly) know this is irrational, and that my behavior mimics OCD. I am reading books on the subject, and have schedule an appointment with a specialist who uses EMDR for trauma and anxiety. So, hopefully those things will help. I have tried 4 different types of medications and none have worked because, apparently, I am one of the people for whom SSRIs don't work. Lucky me! + +Anyway, I am rambling. I guess I am looking for support and stories. Can you relate? Have you found help? I am scared and sad and desperate.",Anxiety +34463,"So I found a bump on the right side of my head, in front of ear On my left side I don’t seem to have a lymph node there. I saw a doctor and they said what it was, was just a lymph node. Can I have a lymph node on one side only? Kinda freaked out",Anxiety +34464,"Im suffering a lot. Hey guys last year i dated a boy for about 2 months, we've never had sex, and im pretty sure he's still a virgin (he might be lying). +Well, what troubles me a lot is that one day, while making out, he hit me with his teeth and i started bleeding, i dont remember if we kept on kissing after that but i just cant get that scene out of my mind, is he HIV+? did i contract something but i cant sense it? These are questions i ask myself everyday and it makes me suffer. I cant run a test for personal reasons. Im thinking about giving blood since they run a HIV analysis. Can you guys tell me if there's any risk?",Anxiety +34465,"How to check for heart defects? New to this sub so I apologize if this is the wrong place for this question. I had a friend who passed away a few years ago while running due to an undiagnosed heart defect that he was born with. I have always wondered how to check for that sort of thing, can you just ask your primary care physician to do tests? Does anyone have any kind of experience with this?",Anxiety +34466,"Been having bad stomach cramps for a week now...? I've been having really bad cramps, they feel like period cramps but they're slightly above my uterus area. When I get there cramps I go to the bathroom and either take a dump (which hurts my stomach) or nothing comes out (so then I wait for the cramp to go away). I don't know what's going on. Also I felt a weird stab of pain in my butt for a few seconds but then it went away. I've been eating pretty healthy, but haven't had much meat...maybe that's it? I don't know. What do you think? + + + +Happy Monday ",Anxiety +34467,"Breast Cancer Worries Hi everyone, I'm sure this is nothing new but I really needed to get it out. + + +My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago and is currently going through chemo. I've had bad health anxiety all my life and my mom's diagnosis has pretty much put me over the edge. + + +My left breast (same as the one she found her cancer in) felt sore, so of course I squeezed and kneaded the hell out of it trying to feel something. I didn't feel anything other than the fact that it is slightly bigger than the other, which is something I've known for a while but now I'm second guessing myself. The soreness went away with my last period, and then returned this month. Again, I squeezed and checked it compulsively. I cannot keep my hands off it. Always checking to see if it feels better or worse. My SO gently suggested that this isn't helping but I can't seem to stop. Now that my period has arrived, it feels much better but there's still one spot that hurts to poke. I've also lost 70lbs in the past couple years so my breasts don't look great for a 26 year old and I think that contributes to my worry. I'm always looking for symmetry to assuage my fears. + + +And now I've developed a rash that I'm pretty sure is from stress. It started on my stomach and is spreading. This prompted me to look up inflammatory breast cancer and I've basically given myself a death sentence. I'm going to the clinic tomorrow to have it checked out but every fibre of my being wants to cancel and just hope it goes away. I'm also going to request a referral for an ultrasound. + + +I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I usually talk to my parents about my fears but obviously I don't want to bring this up. Besides the anxiety it's causing, I also feel so horrible and selfish. Has anyone else imagined (or basically given themselves) symptoms after a family member or friend has been diagnosed with an illness? Any suggestions on how to function normally? I'm exhausted from the constant adrenaline rushes :( + +Thank you",Anxiety +34468,"Uncontrollable HIV anxiety New to Reddit so I apologise if this post is a little all over the place! + +So I've struggled FOREVER with anxiety. I'm a 22 year old girl, whole jadda-jadda about troubled childhood, absent parents etc which I think has contributed to it. Over the past 3 weeks I have been utterly destroyed with anxiety that I have HIV. I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression in the past, as well as always having intrusive thoughts and being convinced that I'm on deaths door after panickingly Googling symptoms. + +So basically I met a lovely guy, we really hit it off, going on lovely dates every day for about a week. Then, VERY out of character for me, we got drunk and slept together (every kind of sex, for those interested). I barely remember it and the next day I knew we hadn't used anything because we couldn't even remember how we got home, let alone anything else. Cue a panic just as we went out for breakfast the following day, and I asked if he 'had anything'. He said no, and seemed pretty offended. Well, if he was offended by that, he was even more offended when I said I thought he had HIV and proceeded to pester him all morning about when was your last test? Where do you have them done? How many people have you slept with? + +I physically couldn't eat for days, and I spent the next 2 days having to make myself sick because the anxiety was making me so nauseous. I was shaking constantly, waking up in the night in a hot sweat. In the end I spent 5 hours waiting in A&E until 1am to get PEP. I had to exaggerate to get it (the guys parent's are Ghanaian and Nigerian, he was born in Cuba, but I said he was Ghanaian because I know there's a high rate there). I remember the doctor saying to me ""okay so there is some risk"" and I just started crying. I was exhausted and malnourished and felt utterly convinced at that point. + +The guy in question has been so lovely. He knew how anxious I was and he picked me up the following day at 7am to go to the local clinic to prove he didn't have anything. I'm currently taking PEP. All my friends think it's hilarious how anxious I am, but honestly this anxiety is killing me. I can zone out for a good 10 minutes straight thinking about it. I'll think things like, what if I've actually got it from a previous partner? This guy has tattoos, would they test for HIV before that? What if he's taking me on all these lovely dates because he does have it and wants me to fall for him before I find out the truth? + +I had a blood test done at the end of January which was clear, and my blood test from A&E was fine, and I tested negative for everything except a water infection. Even then I was thinking what if the water infection is the start? I sneeze and convince myself these are the flu-like symptoms. I see a spot on my body and I'm convinced that is the rash starting. + +Does anyone else suffer with this? I'm scared that even if I get a negative result that my anxiety will continue. ",Anxiety +34469,"Hantavirus Hi all. I have OCD, hypochondria, panic disorder, Cyclothymia, blah blah blah, the whole nine yards. Health anxiety fucks me up like daily, but this week it's been super bad. + +So my fiance and I found a mouse in our room and kept it in a box for a bit because we had just had a bad snowstorm and don't want to put it out there and have it freeze. We've been packing because we're about to move and so we've been kicking stuff up, but haven't found any droppings. Of course after we caught the mouse there were droppings in the box. +Anyway, now about a week and a half later, I have heavy chest pressure, a dry cough, and back pain in the area of pleurisy. I went to medemerge last night and my blood pressure was 98/65, pretty low, but the doctor kept saying how great it was. I was diagnosed with a upper respiratory infection, but she also gave me an antibiotic because my tonsils were pretty big. + +Well this morning I wake up and as I'm brushing my teeth I hack up something black. What the hell?!? I'm freaking out! + +I live in NJ but don't know the Hantavirus facts about NJ.",Anxiety +34470,"Back pain and worst anxiety day in years!! Crying and scared 33 female. I have been doing really well with health anxiety, not googling, going to therapy etc. NOT TODAY! i am terrified I have some sort of kidney disease or something. Last night when I went to bed at 1 am i was irritated with back pain, sort of mid back no matter how i moved, so I changed my pillow (my old one was giving me neck pain and headaches) and still no relief. I didn't sleep well. I have been unable to function all morning so far bc I can't stop googling kidney failure, infections, back pain etc. I have sort of all over back pain, mid back, lower back, not sharp but achey and like i pulled something. I can really feel it when i take a deep breath or move. Sitting on my couch right now even hurts. I finally broke down and took ibuprofen. I also keep excessively checking my urine to see if its cloudy and keep moving and touching my back and checking for other kidney symptoms. On sunday i spend several hours sitting on the floor going through several closets of clothing reaching and moving differently than normal. Yesterday I carried a heavy gaming system by myself from the floor to my car to the post office, I also used my lap top while sitting on my couch to work most of the day and evening....Is it possible this is from weird posture and will go away or should I be going to the ER???? I know my anxiety is probably making it worse and my husband and parents are giving me the silent treatment now because I've had a slip in my anxiety. I am just really really really scared.",Anxiety +34471,"Those of you that Beat Cardiophobia, I Could use your Help... Hello, + +Little bit of background. My younger brother has a weird heart issue. He needed a pacemaker/ICD at 21. Nobody else in my family has it, I've looked into it. I spent a whole summer getting second and third opinions from specialists in the field. I had 24 hr holter over the summer, excercise test and several EKGs. This kicked off my intense fear. + +During the late fall, I started developing weird dizziness. I went to the ER twice, back to the cardiologist, everyone deemed it panic. I want to believe them. I'm trying. + +The worst thing I've been doing is regularly checking my pulse, and it's always changing. The doctors don't seem to worried though. When I'm relaxed, or even just sitting and anxious, it can be 60. Sometimes it's 107. The more I focus on it, the more it fluctuates. I tried deleting the Samsung health app with the pulse ox but the curiosity always gets the better of me. I felt tired and panicky at work, I had a little coffee, and was surprised that my pulse was 66. Usually it's high when I'm stressed and have caffeine. I made a doctor's appointment and by the time I got there my pulse was 100. I showed him on the app that in the 5 minutes waiting for him to come in after the nurse took my vitals, my pulse was all over the place. 65, 84, 100, 76... He said that was normal. + +I just want to be free of this. I want to stop checking and freaking out. If it's high I get scared, if it's low I get scared. The holter monitor averaged my hr at 66. When I'm take it, it seems more like the 70s. I'm seeing a therapist, but the hardest part for me it's believing I'm ok and stopping the hypervigilance and checking my pulse all the time. + +",Anxiety +34472,"I’m so scared I’m having anxiety right now, I feel really nauseous and my phobia is to vomit. I’m so so so scared",Anxiety +34473,"Tired of wasting my money and time I know nothing is wrong with me but I'm in so much pain all the time that I go to the doctor and my blood results are always normal. I'm so tired of it. I've wasted so much money going to the ER because the triage nurse suggested it based on my symptoms or because I was hunched over in pain for hours. I don't know if I'm a hypochondriac or what but I'm always at the doctors office and my job is very much at risk. At this point I'm saying fuck it, if my appendix bursts then let it. If my iud punctures my uterus or becomes embedded in the uterine lining and causes digestive infection then let it. It would be better than living in pain just to be told nothing is wrong with me. Better than to be known as the unreliable employee. ",Anxiety +34474,"Today I declined doctor's appointment. I had a dizziness episode and went to an ER. They did ECG, brain scan, blood-work and did not find anything. My doctor's office called after couple of days (I guess ER sends them medical records) and asked if I wanted to schedule a followup. I'm not the one who would say no to seeing a doctor, but I declined. Next time I hope I don't even need to to go to ER",Anxiety +34475,"Ridiculously anxious about my teeth it’s making me miserable. Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I’ve had health anxiety for around 3 years now but have only just joined reddit and thought I’d search to see if such a subreddit exists and it does. + +So yeah, I’ve had HA for 3 years. It was severely bad 3 years ago, I had a lot of stress going on but I managed to get it under control. I used to be so bad, any pain or symptom I panicked and I can’t even count the amount of times I called 999 or 111 (I’m in the UK) and had ambulances come out for me. I was at the doctors almost 3 times a week. + +Everything has been fine until recently, under a lot of stress again. A lot of uncertainty in my life and may have to uproot and leave my home (for like the 15th time in the past 3 years). Ever since the stress, the HA has crept back in. Right now, I’m petrified and convinced that I’m going to lose my two front teeth. + +I haven’t been to see a dentist in the last 5 years since they gave me 2 fillings and I had such excruciating pain afterwards for a few months whenever I drank or ate something too hot or cold I had awful pain up the side of my face. Something as simple as changing my tooth paste fixed it and I haven’t had it since. But I haven’t been in 5 years and I think that itself is what scares me. I’m not even registered at a dentist, I’m going to call round tomorrow morning to register. + +My problem is, I am convinced that my 2 front teeth wobble. Well not wobble, but they definitely move if I hold onto the tooth with my thumb and index finger and try to move each tooth. I can ever see it in the mirror (I think). It’s only slight and it’s not wobbling or twisting or anything like that. But that’s enough to have convinced me that I’m doomed and my teeth will fall out. I smoke so I think that’s contributing to the fear. Plus I suffer from depression so I haven’t brushed as often as I should because I neglect myself. + +Has anyone else had any similar issues in relation to anxiety about their teeth? Are teeth supposed to move if you try to move them with your fingers? I did a google search (awful I know, I promised myself I would stop doing this) and all the results were about gum disease or forums where people put as the header ‘I lost my front teeth!’ So that’s terrified me even more. + +My gums seem fine, they don’t hurt, they aren’t red. They bleed when I brush sometimes but that’s when im really rough at brushing. If I’m gentle and brush properly, no blood. I’m so terrified I’m already acting like they’ve fallen out. Ive even been thinking that I wish they would just fall out at least then I could be like okay, so now I need to get this sorted. But the whole worrying that it might happen is a nightmare. I’ve been spending the past week either crying uncontrollably or sleeping so I don’t have to think about it. That is of course unless I have a dream where my teeth fall out which I dream about quite frequently. + +Sorry that this is so long. I’ve never really spoken about my HA before. Nobody ever seemed to get it and my doctor is in no way supportive or understanding, just acts like I’m annoying them. My family don’t get it either. My mum actually told me I was deranged when I was in the middle of an intense panic attack a few years back. + +Thank you all for reading. I hope that everyone is well. Any responses will be greatly appreciated. ",Anxiety +34476,"Recurring throat issues Every once in a while I get a sore throat or a throat infection/ tonsillitis . A few months ago I had an ulcer in my throat / left tonsil which freaked me out enough at that time but eventually it went away . Now ever since then, my left tonsil seems to be swollen and has stayed this way but with no sensation. Few days ago , got another tonsillitis infection, what to do about this ! I went to the doctor and he brushes it off as nothing and prescribed me an antibiotic. If it helps to know I’m also a smoker ( huge idiot I know I’m really trying to quit ). ",Anxiety +34477,"How to stay up late during the night? I am so curious that why some people can stay up late at night and still look good the next morning. Some famous people only sleep four hours, but how can they be energetic and efficient? + +",Anxiety +34478,"Slightly red, raised spot on the head of my penis For about a month now I’ve had a small red slightly raised spot on the head of my penis. It hasn’t changed in size or color. It doesn’t hurt, burn, itch or anything. It’s more of a aesthetic displeasure than anything else. I have had unprotected sex but only with my girlfriend of four years. I haven’t been tested for anything yet. I also had shown my dermatologist and they didn’t say much, just prescribed me a steroid cream. Any thoughts or any one else? ",Anxiety +34479,"Have I been having heart attacks?! As of late I’ve been experiencing pains on the inside of my left arm and frequent sharp pain in my chest to the left of my breast plate. Sometimes the pain radiates across my chest and shoulder and other times it can be one or the other. I’ve also been experiencing rapid heart rates from little physical activity and high blood pressure. I do have pretty severe health anxiety and also suffer from digestive problems as well so I can be sure if it is just my anxiety manifesting physical symptoms. I went to the ER last week and they said the blood tests showed no signs of it being heart related but my PCP decided to have me wear a heart monitor patch for a week and that made me more conscious of my palpitations and pains. Today is first day since I’ve taken it off and sent it in. While I was eating lunch (normal meal that shouldn’t have triggered anything) I experienced hot flashes across my body and then the pains started again. Has anyone experienced similar symptoms? I’m a 24 male who is 6’,underweight and pretty malnourished right now from my stomach issues. +",Anxiety +34480,"New Moles - Anxiety First time poster, but a long time hypochondriac. + +It’s genetics - my family has tons of moles, but today I noticed 2 more on my stomach, or maybe 1 new mole and a weird red dot? It’s making me extremely anxious. + +2 weeks ago I was in and out of the hospital for some strep throat complications which has completely peaked my anxiety. I’m only 19 and I’m indoors most of the time and have no family history of Melanoma, but I can’t help but freak out. + +They’re very tiny, one is small and brown but the other may not even be a mole? It’s the same size, but red and not raised. No pain or itching. It’s just making me paranoid. + +I have a doctor’s appointment coming up soon so I’m trying to hang on until then but it’s driving me insane. ",Anxiety +34481,Do I have mouth cancer? I've got some white spots in my mouth ( under the lip and inside of a cheek). To be honest I don't have the best hygiene since it happens for me forget to wash my teeth in the morning and I don't do it untill like 3pm. I've also got a strange lump on the left side of my neck(like a swollen lymph) it's not really visible but I can feel it under my skin.,Anxiety +34482,"Was I poisoned This weird dude lives in this house now............. I'm scared of him + +I think I pissed him off somehow + +And I think he poisoned me with putting stuff in my food + +",Anxiety +34483,"Telling the difference between anxiety and something else? (Upper stomach / throat) So I've had these symptoms for more than a month now...getting close to 2 and I KNOW I'm freaking out about them. Earlier I felt like I couldn't breathe and something might be wrong with my heart and that got all checked out, got normal blood tests, everything was fine and I finally saw my primary care who said my anxiety seemed really bad. So I felt silly for getting over anxious and I have a therapy appointment and a meds appointment and everything to deal with my anxiety. So that's all set to be dealt with. + +That said, everything started in my throat/upper stomach and that hasn't really been checked besides me going ""ahhh"" and doctor's looking down my throat (apparently it looked bad at first, but now looks fine). I'm having discomfort (and some mild pain) in a very specific area right under my breast in the center...front and back...the pain mostly in the back, and discomfort in the front. I burp every time I eat, I never burped before at all and the discomfort is worse when I eat and sometimes relieved when I burp. I have mild nausea. I have mucus in my throat, a white coating on my tongue. And this has been going on for the full 1 month +. + +I'm just not sure...is this just anxiety should I try to ignore it until my therapy appt? Is it indigestion or gas or acid reflux or something mild like that (the primary care guy suggested acid reflux, but I'm been trying various remedies for all this type of stuff and nothing seems to help)? Or should I ask to be checked? My doctor does have an electronic place where I can ask a question but I just feel silly since I KNOW my anxiety is bad and it might just be anxiety. + +I see discomfort in this area can be related to like an ulcer or a hernia so I guess that would be my anxiety but mainly I just hate feeling so uncomfortable and having trouble eating so if there's any possibility it's physical I'd like to get it fixed! + +Does anyone have any advice or similar experience? + +EDIT: So here's what ended up helping my acute anxiety. 1) I stopped Googling. 2) I remembered that while I felt sure I had an ulcer I felt sure a few days ago that I had - anemia - thyroid problems -heart problems and I DID get tested for those...and they were all fine, so it's likely this would turn out fine too even though I FEEL so sure. 3) I distracted myself and tried to do something else. ",Anxiety +34484,Has anyone tried EMDR for health anxiety? I’ve got the worse health anxiety/anxiety to where I have many panic attacks and pain everyday. I’ve tried CBT it did not work. Having a therapist tell me to go to my happy place sounded like a croc of shit lol. I’ve convinced myself I have MS and that I have heart disease. Those two are the big ones. Any small ache or pain I think I’m dying. I don’t take meds because I’ve heard really bad things. I’ve taken one Xanax which actually didn’t even help. So I’m gonna try and new technique and wonder if anyone has ever tried it? I also get numbness mainly on left side of my body. Thanks guys! ,Anxiety +34485,"Persistent pain in Fibrocystic breast - Anyone have similar experiences? A couple months ago I got a checkup because my breasts have always felt lumpy. Doctor felt with her hands and said they felt like normal lumpy breasts. I got an ultrasound and was told I have fibrocystic breasts. Cool! I could finally relax. + + +A month later, I literally woke up one day and felt a ""pain"" in my right breast I hadn't felt before. I don't know if ""pain"" is what I should use since it doesn't hurt too bad, but I can definately and specifically feel it, and it's a sensation I don't feel anywhere else in my breast. + + +Ever since it randomly started that day, months later, it is persistent and I still feel it in the same spot. I'll feel it ""twinge"" throughout the day. It hasn't been getting more painful, but it is a specific sensation in the same spot (although sometimes when I sleep it'll feel slightly painful/more pronounced in the morning, but then goes back to its ""normal"" sensation after I move around. It also hurts when I feel/knead it with my hands, but so do many other parts of my boobs). + + +During my cycle, my nipples will get sore a few days before my period, and then feel normal again once it starts - that is the way my breasts have acted during my cycle for years. This new specific sensation in my breast is persistant throughout the month, and I believe it's unrelated to my cycle. + + +Has anyone had similar experiences like this? Any advice, similar experiences, or concerns if something's going on with me that I should get checked out would be appreciated. I'm so mad this pain decided to start RIGHT after I finally got an ultrasound, so I feel obtuse about going to get it checked out again, especially considering I don't know what else could be done to examine it besides getting another ultrasound. ",Anxiety +34486,"Worried I have worms in my brains, among other bizarre health anxieties. For the past several months I've been on a huge parasite scare that came out of seemingly nowhere. I even had stool samples taken (again, several months ago) and everything came back negative. But now I'm thinking maybe the samples weren't great. Apparently they do their testing kind of hastily sometimes, so I'm thinking of doing a second batch of samples. + +Anyway... I always thought that tapeworms were just an intestinal parasite. But then I read that they can spread to other organs too, including your EYES and BRAINS. Christ. So, naturally, I look in the mirror every day to make sure there aren't any worms in my eyes. I also check my stool with every bowel movement. And now I'm worried that the larvae of this hypothetical worm has spread to my lungs (I've been coughing a lot lately) and brains as well (would explain my headaches, and why I feel so spaced out.) + +I've also had to take my cat to the vet a couple times because she was diagnosed with diabetes, so naturally I'm worried about fleas as well now. I just saw some kind of small, brown bug on my floor (one of my cats spotted it) that bounced around a couple times before I killed it. Now, it could've just been a moth that was struggling to fly, but it could've also been a flea. Right? And infected fleas carry feline tapeworms that are even worse than regular tapeworms if they spread to humans. + +So yeah, it's 3 AM and I'm going over all of this shit in my head, unable to sleep. + +I guess I should mention I'm also worried about going blind, as my astigmatism has been getting worse (and I found out about something called keratoconus, which I may have) and I also have all kinds of pains in my body (around pancreas and liver, especially) so I could also have cancer. Or maybe those are just the cysts formed by the larvae of the tapeworm. + +And I do also worry about early-onset dementia and stuff like that, but that's kind of taken a backseat while 90% of my mental energy goes into worrying about worms.",Anxiety +34487,"Drove downwind of a confirmed asbestos fire today. freaking the hell out so yeah, there was a major fire in the city today. we had no idea till we were driving up on it. The route I wanted to take was blocked due to the fire. At that time, we had no idea the smoke was highly toxic. So cause our route was blocked, I took a street pretty much parellel to the one we were supposed to take. We drive, and we come across smoke, and drive right through it. I also played the funny guy, and breathed in really hard and said ""mmmm smell that"" to be funny. + +Read on the news when we got home the building contained asbestos, and theres an asbestos warning for the whole city center. So yeah, now here we are. I'm in a really, really bad place now. + +That said, there are a few things which I guess are kinda making me feel a bit better. We were about 800 feet maybe from the burning building in question, and we drove through about 8 hours after the fire started, and apparently it had been contained by that point. + +Still we walked around the city center all day, and drove through it, and waited at a stop light in the smoke. My lungs feel full, and I think my nose burns a little, though that could be becuase later on, at the bar, I stood with my frie ds a few times while they all smoked cigarettes. + +And this is kinda gross, but I could have sworn my farts had a kind of asphalt like smell, which I got when I quit smoking, which indicates smoke inhalation of some kind. I guess I could be misidentiying it though. + +I dunno... I'm just really scared now.",Anxiety +34488,"Health Anxiety gets worse during the winter months? Nice to meet you, I'm new here. + +I've been struggling with HA for quite some years now. This last year, I've graduated university and started a new career. Everything's been very stressful, and somehow it's impacted my HA too. + +The thing I noticed is that it always gets worse and more intense during the winter months and beginning of spring. I get back pains, my joints start to ache, I feel tired,... which triggers unhealthy and irrational thoughts and anxiety about my health (for the last month I was absolutely sure I had heart problems, lung cancer, an aneurysm, and some other illnesses). It's absolutely crazy. + +I don't know, but it's often this way. It always gets worse during the period of january - april. During summer and fall I sometimes get little health scares, but they're nowhere as intense as during the cold and darker months. + +Do any of you have the same feeling? + +(English is not my mother tongue, so I apologize for possible mistakes / weird phrases) +",Anxiety +34489,"Worried about tetanus??? I was sorting through a ton of change (some really rusty and old) I had and my arm felt itchy, so I scratched it pretty hard and it broke 5-8 little pieces of my skin. I realized my stupid mistake after and washed my hands as well as that area of my arm with soap and water. Now the left side of my head and neck feel a little warm and hurt. Could I possibly have tetanus?",Anxiety +34490,"Does anyone else only worry about sudden health issues? I don’t know how to explain it, really, but the only health anxiety I have is usually kind of “sudden” things that could kill me, like aneurysms, embolisms, all that. I’ve never worried about cancers, really, or long-term sort of degenerative things. I almost think it’s because it’s the fear of not knowing something is coming. I’m afraid the X-Ray missed something and that my aorta is going burst or something. + +Like, if I knew something was coming, I would be able to tie up loose ends, spend time with friends and family, take a vacation, and live until I die. I wouldn’t be happy about it, obviously, but I never get very anxious about things like that. The things that scare me are things that could just randomly kill me while I’m studying or playing video games or something. The kinds of things that just make you drop dead and end up in an article like “Healthy 20 year-old dies in sleep.” It’s more of a fear of sudden death for me, like it’s waiting around the corner and I just don’t see it yet. ",Anxiety +34491,"Having a difficult time managing my anxiety Hi everyone. This will probably be quite lengthy, so I’ll apologize in advance. I’ve been struggling for years with health related anxiety which I “managed” for a long time on my own. By manage, what I really mean is just deal and push through it. I’m at a point where it’s more than I can handle now and it’s crippling. + +My mother has had Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis for 21 years and I grew up watching her deteriorate from an independent, strong woman into someone who is now dependent on someone else for even the most basic tasks. I think this is the root of my health anxiety. + +I am terrified of getting MS. Over the last 4-5 years I’ve had varying degrees of symptoms ranging from tingling in hands and feet to constant headaches. I’ve had a number of tests done which all come back either normal, or with some other explanation. The most recent being a constant left sided headache and pain in my left eye. My primary care physician ordered an MRI based on my family history of MS which came back abnormal with some extremely small white spots which they were unable to make a diagnosis of. Their recommendation was to see a neurologist and get a lumbar puncture. This was in November... + +I live in Massachusetts which makes me extremely fortunate to have access to some of the best hospitals in the country. I was able to schedule an appointment with a neuro at Mass General, currently #3 in the country for neurology. The doctor was extremely nice and listened to everything I had to say. He flat out said “I do not think you have MS”. He explained to me that MS has certain patterns that show in an MRI which mine did not show. He said he believes my headaches are being caused by a combination of tension from clenching my jaw at night, which I absolutely do, and migraines with aura, which has happened twice. I asked about the lumbar puncture and he told me if I really wanted one and if it would put my mind at ease, he would gladly order one, but he felt it would come back negative. + +I certainly do not want to put myself through that unnecessarily and I’m afraid it still wouldn’t placate me. He also completed a full neurological exam, which I passed. I left there feeling pretty relieved. That lasted for about an hour. I started thinking about what if he’s wrong?? He’s basically just assuming this is due to headaches, but he really doesn’t know for sure. + +I really don’t know what to do at this point. My anxiety is out of control and I can’t stop thinking about this. It consumes every thought of my day and it is exhausting. I hate feeling like this. I do have a NP Psych who I see every six months who is very nice and tries to prescribe medication for me, but I can never bring myself to take it. I read the side effects and they scare the crap out of me so much that I’m too scared to take them. The only thing I will take is Xanax, which usually isn’t often, but lately it’s been almost every day. + +I also see a therapist who also is very nice, but if I’m being honest, isn’t very helpful. Whether that is my own fault, I don’t know. I originally went to her because I have issues with control and wanted to try to work on that. I just don’t find it to be doing anything for me though... + +I just wish I knew how to RELAX my thoughts and stop being such a worry wart. I’m wound so tight I’m ready to snap at any given minute. I get up every day, shower, go to work and then come home and lay in bed until I fall asleep because I’m so exhausted. I don’t know if I’m exhausted because of my mental health, work hours, or if something is really physically wrong with me. + +I’m honestly not even sure what I’m looking for in writing this, maybe I just needed to vent. But if anyone can relate or offer any advice I would be open to hearing anything you have to say. + +Life is so hard... +",Anxiety +34492,"Oral cancer biopsy My dentist found a lump waaay back at the base of my tongue and I will have to have it biopsied next week. + +I’m stressed - help! :( this is torture waiting for the appointment. ",Anxiety +34493,"Severe HA and a nodule found in my lung yesterday Hey all! I've been on Reddit for a while, but haven't posted here. Basic backstory... I'm 34 female, son died in 2009, was diagnosed with PTSD and general anxiety. Health (in real life) began to fail after his death. I have since been diagnosed with POTS, fibromyalgia, PAC's, diabetes, had two colonoscopies with polyp removal, gall bladder removed, three ruptured discs in my neck and recently had pneumonia at the beginning of February. The pneumonia brought back severe symptoms of HA. They hadn't gone away completely, but I had made real progress. Yesterday I finally went to the doctor after three days of chest pain thinking maybe the pneumonia was recurring. After the x-ray, I was told I was negative for pneumonia but I have a 1cm nodule in my right lung. She said they are usually benign, but of course, I'm flipping my shit. I have smoked for 22 of my 34 years on this planet, so lung cancer is a real, legitimate fear. I have to wait for two months for reexamination to check for growth. How the hell do I get through the next two months? I have found myself already writing an end of life journal for my other two kids. I feel completely defeated and hopeless. I'm not functioning. My house is a wreck and I just can't find any motivation to do anything at all. Please give me some advice to help get through the waiting game. Sorry so long, but I'm feeling desperate. ",Anxiety +34494,"Brain amoeba First of all, thanks to everyone who participates here. Finding this sub has been a huge encouragement to me as I've realized I deal with increasingly frequent health anxiety. + +My current concern is with the brain eating amoeba. I spent time in a hot tub that wasn't properly chlorinated this weekend. Shortly after the hot tub, I got in the shower and ummm.. picked my nose rather vigorously. After doing so, I thought about the warm hot tub water, so I blew my nose then used saline spray to clean out my nostrils. 2 times in the last 3 days, I've gotten really dizzy and lightheaded, feeling like I was going to fall or pass out. Today, I've had a bad headache and have felt extra sensitive to light. No fever at this point. + +Allow me to think out loud: +- can the amoeba even enter the brain from picking your nose? +- is it possible that the amoeba would have just been in my nostril, then I helped it further up towards the brain with the stream of saline solution? +- would a headache associated with the amoeba come and go or be constant/progressively worse? + +I know a much more effecting outlet would have been distracting myself or using other anxiety relieving techniques.. but I couldn't resist venting on here. I'm struggling! I know the questions I posed are mostly unanswerable. Just needed to ask them ""out loud"" rather than let them cycle internally. ",Anxiety +34495,"Years of Random, Sudden, & Violent Vomiting. Anyone Else Have Similar Experiences? I am wondering if anyone else has had similar symptoms and had any luck correcting it? + +I am 39, and have been suffering from random vomiting spells in the mornings for approximately 15 years. I have seen many doctors and specialists without any luck finding a cause. They have performed many tests and everything showed up negative or inconclusive. + +It can come in waves but is fairly consistent. For the last two weeks I have thrown up 6 out of the 14 days (43% of the time). Sometimes it’ll be for a few days in a row, sometimes I can go a month without a spell and have experienced it multiple times daily for over a month at a time. The worst was about three times daily for a month and caused me to lose 45 lbs that month due to no appetite. + +The majority of the time it happens in the mornings right after I wake up and before I get into the shower. It can happen throughout the day as well at random. It’s fast, uncontrollable, violent, and usually produced a white foamy substance. However, I had my gallbladder removed in November due to gallstones. That didn’t fix the problem and the docs thought it would. + +Ever sense the gallbladder removal all I throw up is yellow stomach bile. Today it went from yellow to a green color. After getting sick I usually have a pain of about a 4 out of 10 right in the middle of my torso. I find myself applying pressure with my hand to relieve the pain. Usually have to lay in the fetal position after a bad spell without an appetite until the end of the day or night. + +Some of the exams that have been done without luck is Celiac Disease, the breath test for H. Pylori, Barium Swallow test, upper Endoscopy, Colonoscopy, ultrasounds of my gallbladder & liver, gallbladder removal, MRI brain scan for tumors. + +Again it happens usually in the mornings, with gagging and dry heaving until something comes up. Usually there is no food or liquids other than the white foam and stomach bile. + +If anyone else has experienced similar symptoms and found relief please let me know. + +Thanks!",Anxiety +34496,"Same illness for two years in a row! Need advice Could be TMI but here it goes: + +So, this started in March 2016. I started noticing that just before I peed, I felt a sting every time before I passed urine. This when on for 2-3 weeks, then I got really scared and when to the doctor. They prescribed a urine test and also prescribed some medicines for UTI. The results came back negative for a UTI. A couple of days later, I had a really upset stomach with nausea and my roommate had to take me to the hospital. And I mentioned to the doctor about my prior visit. He prescribed another urine test, checked my penis for any issues (I also felt some tightness in my foreskin). He couldn't find any issues. And this urine test came back negative too. I was starting to panic as I the situation was not getting better. So, I had to fly back home to see another doctor( i was in college btw). Another doctor, another urine test and the result: nothing, nada, zilch! +It was same for some more time and then I started feeling gassy along with the initial symptoms. I got prescribed some gas relief medicines and that was it. All in all, this went for couple more months, then the sting before peeing, gradually went away. + +So now a little over a year later, in June 2017. The same symptoms returned. And the same progression of symptoms occurred: the stinging sensation, and few weeks later the gassiness etc. But it was worse this time around, I had a very bad heart attack scare with symptoms like pain in the chest, my left arm going completely numb and gassiness. So, I was rushed to the hospital where they performed an ECG. I had a fever too. They concluded that nothing was wrong with me. Oh yeah, I had another urine test a couple of days earlier and it was negative. Amidst all this chaos, I had to travel and it had a 32 hour travel time. So obviously I wasn't looking forward to it. And my nightmare came true. I finished that journey with constant gassiness, nausea and uneasiness. So, I guess I'm not in a hurry to ever take on that long a journey ever again in my life. So, these symptoms finally improved but painstakingly slowly: 4 months. + +So, my concern now is that it gonna be April soon, that means I might get this stupid mysterious illness again. What do I do? I feel about 70% just might be my head which is causing all of this anxiety. + +Also i feel I was misdiagnosed everytime. The doctors always brushed it off with, ""Your results are fine, don't worry about it."" + + + + +",Anxiety +34497,"Health anxiety taking over my life Since I got the flu this year, I’ve been constantly worrying about my health. I wake up in a panic every day. I am constantly worrying that I’m losing my vision or that I have MS, brain tumor, etc. I’ve gotten blood work that all came back perfect. I’m only a teenager but these worries are controlling me all the time. I’ve been on medication for a month and a half and started seeing a therapist a couple of weeks ago but it still isn’t doing the trick. Are there any tips that you guys can give? I’m beginning to feel hopeless. ",Anxiety +34498,"Waking up with a dead limb and worrying I had a ministroke I woke up to pee in the middle of the night and when I stood up my lower body was involuntarily leaning to the left. It seemed like my left leg or knee had just given out, but I was still able to stand. After a couple minutes it went away and I was walking normally. I ended up going to the ER after speaking with a nurse. All blood tests came back normal and so did the physical tests. The doctor checked my eyes, walking, reflexes, etc. It's the next day and I can't help but feel like they missed something and that I could have possibly had a TIA (ministroke), which can be a warning sign for a stroke. I even told them I was feeling lightheaded the day before but I don't know what is just anxiety now. Still feeling out of it and being hyperaware of my body right now. Has anybody had a similar issue- either with this temporary paralysis situation or not feeling assured even after the doctor? + +TL;DR: Not trusting docs and worrying that a limp leg was ministroke",Anxiety +34499,"Just noticed a strange rash/bites...just moved I just moved into a new apartment, and last night was my first night in it. Today, I was driving around town and noticed some small red bumps on my knuckle. I pulled my sleeve on my right arm down and realized most of my hand and wrist area had bites/marks. It’s weird because it seems my right hand is the only spot that has this, save for one small bump on my left wrist. I’m worried my apartment has something... I’ve had the same mattress for years and have never had bed bugs... here are [photos](https://imgur.com/a/FAL5N) , about to start picking through my carpet and checking my mattress corners ",Anxiety +34500,"DVT? So Ive had a cramp in my calf for the past two days. At first I was worried it could be a blood clot, but after checking over the symptoms, it seemed unlikely. However, a few minutes ago, my foot fell asleep. All fine and good, happens all the time. But after it happened, my muscle cramp was gone. Now I'm worried that there was a blood clot and it broke loose. Is there an alternative explanation?",Anxiety +34501,"Headache/Pressure right when standing up Last night when I got up from my seat, I immediately felt a mild headache that quickly dissapeared after maybe 15 seconds. That continued all night when ever i got up from a sitting position, and i felt the same pressure after getting out of bed the next morning. Now that I'm at work I have stopped having that problem. Has anyone else had that happen or heard of that happen?",Anxiety +34502,"Trying to be a supportive girlfriend of hypochondriac boyfriend Hi all! My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now and I always sorta joked about how he was a hypochondriac, but he’s shared some recent concerns with me and I’ve realized how severe his anxiety is behind it. A few weeks ago he was convinced he had ALS because of muscle twinges. Last night he shared with me that he’s terrified he has liver disease as a result of how much he used to drink in college. He gets down this long rabbit hole of searching through the internet and it drives me crazy because it’s not helping anything. And he refuses to get tested for anything because he doesn’t want it to be confirmed true. + +He has generalized anxiety on occasion and has started to go to a therapist but still hasn’t talked about these types of things with the therapist, which drives me crazy. We’re in our mid-twenties, live in a metropolitan area, and live a pretty healthy lifestyle, going to the gym frequently and eating semi-healthy. + +Im thinking about blocking sites like Mayo Clinic and webMD so he can’t search at home but I don’t know if that’s a mean thing to do. + +Anyways, can you please share advice on how I can be the most supportive I can be? Or any advice I can share with him?? Thank you!! + +PS this has been my very first post to reddit :D ",Anxiety +34503,"It happened - my first ER visit for a panic attack I just came back from the ER. It started with some shoulder pain this afternoon and spiraled into a waves of panic attacks. I was fairly sure I wasn't having a heart attack, but I couldn't be positive so off to the ER I went. EKG, blood work, monitoring all normal. Only thing wrong with me was borderline low electrolytes. + +I'm on meds but this has been a stressful year in my life. Consoling appointments are set up, along with a checkup with my doc. + +Even though I know whats happening once my mind goes there its so hard to stop. I just wanted to share my story. Fuck this mental illness",Anxiety +34504,"Struggling tonight I've always had issues with health anxiety and I can get really scared when I think even the slightest thing is wrong with me. I finally got to the doctor for my annual physical and that was a nice victory in itself. Unfortunately my blood work came back with low platelets and elevated liver enzymes. My doctor had me get retested and those numbers came back today -- and they're worse, so now I'm going in for an ultrasound and more testing to rule out hepatitis. I can't stop shaking and crying. I'm so scared! It's probably going to be nothing but I can't stop thinking about all the serious things it could be. I'm taking care of it with my doctor, but I really could just use 100000 hugs right now. And some chocolate. I just wish everything came back fine instead of having these things to worry about until I get it all confirmed that it's okay. Every time I even look at my dog, I think he's looking at me like he knows I'm sick. My anxiety is just spiraling out of control.",Anxiety +34505,"Hypochondriac seeking advice on visiting fiance in the hospital Hello there! I'm looking for advice on how to cope with a special situation. My fiance is admitted into the hospital ICU with the flu and pneumonia. I am flying out there to be with him, but I am so scared of the hospital and getting sick. His entire family has the flu as well. I want to be with him and by his side, but my anxiety is through the roof about it. I'm going to go because he needs my support but does anyone have any advice or coping skills to help me get through this? He might be there for multiple days and that thought is ruining me. I've always had bad experiences in hospitals like passing out, so my anxiety correlates the hospital with passing out, which is a big fear for me. I'm scared that something is going to happen to me while I'm there. I'm also scared of catching the flu myself. By the way, I have panic disorder, if you couldn't tell. I know I have to do this for him but I could really use some advice to help me survive. Thank you.",Anxiety +34506,"Post TC anxiety Hi all, + +Just venting some steam off here. + +So, last August I “found a lump,” I had a CT, an op to remove my left testicle and then on 02 October was officially diagnosed with Stage 2a Testicular Cancer. Since then I’ve had Chemo, Radiotherapy and as of a few weeks ago my first “Scans are normal” meeting with the Onco. Hooray! + +That said, the health anxiety I’m experiencing is taking the piss. Every little ache, twitch, twinge, anything makes me worry unnecessarily. + +As a result of the Radiotherapy my guts have been a bit iffy since, but a recent toothache caused me to take a lot of Ibuprofen, which together with the Radiotherapy caused me some really dire constipation. This lead to a hemorrhoid. It’s internal and normally I can’t feel it unless I’ve sat on something cold in which case it throbs for a few minutes and then stops. Occasionally there’s a spot or two of blood on my crap, and one occasion I had such a large bowel movement that it turned the toilet water bright, bright red, but otherwise my bms are consistent size, shape, colour and bloodless - they just scratch a little as they pass. I’m improving my diet to include more fibre so hopefully it’ll sort itself out. + +Right now I want to concentrate on the future. I’ve been given a new lease of life, but I feel that all the residual after effects are holding me back and the worry over everything my body does is becoming quite a burden.",Anxiety +34507,"Let’s talk coping strategies I love this sub. Everyone has been super open and supportive. In my short time following, i have felt a sense of belonging here because all of you seem to really understand how it feels to deal with HA. For me it’s an stressful, frustrating, terrifying condition that leaves me paralyzed with fear and exhausted from sleepless nights of searching the internet for reassurance. I definitely get the temptation to post here looking for reassurance from each other that our symptoms are benign but let’s take some time to talk coping. I would love to know what you do to cope when the anxiety takes over. Perhaps we can help each other cope a bit instead of reassuring each other that we are healthy. + +I’ve shared my two tips before, the first is to allow myself a few moments a day to think about my worry. I give it space to exist without doing anything to correct it. I recognize that it’s there and then put it back on an imaginary shelf to visit again tomorrow. The rest of the day I do what I can to keep it there. Sometimes I even say “no, I’ll talk to you later!” (It’s worth noting that this strategy doesn’t always work but sometimes days go by and my anxiety has been kept at a manageable level.) + +The other one is for full on panic attacks: I pick out 3 things I can hear, smell, see, and if possible, taste. Sometimes doing this mindful activity can give my brain/body the space to rest for a moment.... long enough to calm down a bit. + +Anything work for you? + + + + +",Anxiety +34508,"Can muscle weakness be caused by anxiety? My arms and legs have been feeling really weak the past 2 days, and I'm getting worried sick that I have MS/ALS. Can't even carry out daily activities properly as I keep thinking that I'm gonna die. Help is much appreciated...",Anxiety +34509,What's going on? Hey guys so earlier I had shortness of breath. And now my heart is beating hard. My body and hands are trembling. And I have a strong urge to pee as my groin feels really strange. I have pain in my left arm as well and I feel like my hearts about stop any moment. I have no history do any heart problems. I have had anxiety attacks in the past but they always scare me into thinking I'm having a heart attack or cardiac arrest. Is this just another anxiety attack? I don't know if it's because I'm anemic or because I slept late at 1 am last night. I feel like I'm about to die any moment now and I'm scared :(. I'm 20 years old btw. ,Anxiety +34510,"chest pain I'm only 16 and I have occasional tight chest pains on the left side. I've been to a cardiologist for other unrelated things because of an abnormal EKG but it was an abnormality that was no cause for concern. I am a pretty anxious person but sometimes these will come on randomly when i don't feel that worked up. I have gotten a chest X-ray, several 24 hour moniters, stress test, and blood tests. I don't know if its hormonal or what is going on but its pretty scary. The pain is sometimes a dull achey on the left side and sometimes pokey feelings on the opposite side. The pains come and go.. But sometimes i do notice my heart rate going super super fast when I'm stressed or when I get overwhelmed. But I just don't know the cause of these pains. Any advice on how to deal with these.",Anxiety +34511,"Reassurance Hello, + +I stumbled upon this subreddit about two weeks ago and since then have been reading it often to help cope with my health anxiety. I often end up laughing at myself over my anxiety. This is my first post and rather lengthy. I apologize. + +My most recent concern is that I have some sort of colon cancer. I have been having unusual bowel movements for several months. Changes in appearance, size, etc. Sorry, too much information. I mentioned it to my doctor earlier this month and he shrugged it off and said to try Miralax. I did, but didn’t notice much difference aside from change in color and more loose. + +I’ve recently thought I’ve noticed some red streaking in the stool which has elevated my anxiety about the situation. My employment offers a telemedicine service so I called and spoke to a doctor about my concerns and he said it’s likely IBS and promised I was fine. I follow up with my doctor again this past week and he said the risk is slim for anything major but referred me to a gastro doctor. The appointment isn’t until next month. + +This weekend, I decided it would be a good idea to get an EZ Detect test which tests for blood in the stool. These are little pieces of paper you put in the toilet after a bowel movement that changes to blue or green if blood is detected. You are first supposed to put a paper in to test the water color. I decided to skip that step and test my first bowel movement yesterday late afternoon/early evening. There was no color change on the paper. I was satisfied. + +This morning I decide to do the water test to eliminate any what ifs from my mind. Once again, there was no color change. I follow the water test with another bowel movement. There was no color change. + +There is a control test you are supposed to do at the end to verify that the paper worked properly. It comes with a powder that changes the color of the paper. I flush everything and pour the powder in and then place the paper in for the control test and it instantly turns blue. + +About an hour or two later I feel another bowel movement coming on and I decide to use my final test. The paper instantly turns a very faint blue and I immediately freak out. About 5-10 minutes later I realized that I had put the powder in the toilet and that it’s possible there was some left over in the water even after flushing. I have noticed some little white specks in that toilet throughout the day today. + +I just am looking for some reassurance that there was likely a little bit of left over powder and that my health anxiety is getting the best of me, as usual.",Anxiety +34512,"I fainted in a bar. Should I be worried?? I had a cold this past week and was getting better but feeling dehydrated +Decided to go out drinking and ended up smoking some weed and having 5 beers +Was standing at the bar for about an hour and we ordered some bar snacks, about 5 minutes into eating I felt very lightheaded and nauseous, started seeing black circles, tried to make my way outside to get some air, and dropped to the floor at that moment +I came to a few minutes later, sat at a table sipping water, and felt pretty much fine other than being kinda tired and still lightheaded + +Could this have been just a routine fainting spell? I’m attributing it to dehydration, since I️ was sick, drank a lot of coffee during the day, and then drank alcohol, without really drinking any water. I also read that prolonged standing can reduce blood flow to the brain. I plan on getting checked out by a doctor this week. Should I be worried? + +TLDR: Was dehydrated, fainted in a bar while standing for awhile, felt fine after",Anxiety +34513,"Sharp, stabbing pain in head (on top of head) in the same spot every time, can't stop thinking it's a tumor For the past 4 months or so, I've been getting this off-and-on stabbing pain in the top of my head. It stabs for a second and then goes away, and it keeps happening, and it only seems to happen when I open my mouth or talk, or smile. I had a big episode where I thought I was dying of an aneurysm, and went to the doctor and all that and figured out that it was not the case, so I've been through all that, but I still can't help this nagging feeling of ""WTF IS IT THEN??"" + +Initially I theorized that it must be my headphones causing it (headband is too tight), because the pain seems to be coming from muscles on the outside of skull, as shown by how when I massage it the pain temporarily suppresses. So I switched to in-ear buds exclusively, and the pain went away for awhile. I thought I had won... but now it's back! AGH. Why? And now that I've ruled out headphones as the cause, I am freaking out again. Constantly thinking it must be something fatal. Even though I have already shown myself that it is muscle-tension related (massaging it, the fact that it only happens when I open my mouth etc.) and multiple doctors have assured me that what I am experiencing is not life-threatening. I just can't stop, I want the pain to leave me alone. :( ",Anxiety +34514,"fear of rabies hi, i'm new to this subreddit but i've been lurking it for a while so i figured i'd give this a shot instead of other forums. i've been a hypochondriac since i was little but it's been kind of getting worse with age. now something new and exciting has hit me super hard and super fast; rabies! + +it comes and goes and my ocd (a whole other animal) makes it worse, but right now it's at one of its peaks. long story short, my (HEALTHY, VACCINATED) dog scratched me and since then the spot on my wrist where it's at has had an internal tickling sensation and, to make matters worse, when i get nervous my throat gets tight and i feel like i can't swallow. i feel like i'm fully going crazy. + +i love all my dogs but due to all of this i can't even bear to be around them anymore. i just sit around and cry all day on the lookout for symptoms and trying to come down from all this anxiety and it's almost like i can't trust myself to ""know"" that i didn't contract anything. like 'i KNOW it's all in my head but HOW DO I /REALLY/ KNOW?' or 'WHAT IF ITS REAL THIS TIME' or something. + +i'm starting to feel hopeless and like i'll never calm down again. i feel really dumb and embarrassed because i definitely know better but i just... like won't listen to my better judgement. my family and friends are sick of me being such a mess and that makes me feel bad too. + +sorry if this is long or rant-y or hard to follow; this has really gotten under my skin (pun kind of intended). can anyone relate or offer some advice? if you've had the same problem, what did you do? i'm kind of super at the end of the rope with this lmao",Anxiety +34515,"Worried about a brain tumour Hello ! + +Since a week and a half, i've had burning at the back of my head. I know rationally that it's probably not a tumour but I can't help but freak out about it. It comes and goes. I went to the doctor last friday, he did a neurological exam and nothing came out of it that is unusual. He gave me some anti inflammatory medicine. Before I took the medicine, my right ear hurted a lot too. It stopped today. + +Could this be a sign of a tumour or something else? +",Anxiety +34516,"Nervous wreck (ulcer/appendicitis) Google brought me heregarding ironically, as it is causing me to be a nervous wreck. + +Last month, I got hit with bronchitis hard. Couldn't breathe, chest was heavy, fever, hacking, the whole works. Around that time my stomach would be hurting after exercise or drinking a lot of wine or taking ibuprofen but I didn't think much of it, it always went away after awhile, and was t that bad. +After the antibiotics, my chest was better, but my throat was still swollen. I ended up getting a raw piece potato stuck in my throat (didn't chew it well enough) and had to get an endoscopy to push it down. Since then, I've had some of the worst acid reflux from my esaughagus being swollen, but nexium and tums seemed to help...until this morning. + +I drank a couple cups of coffee, to my multivitamin, and about and hour afterwards my stomach began hurting again. It felt like a knife stabbing me 1000 time in my upper abdomen. I planned on walking to the e.r., but I had to stop and rest at the police station, where they seen me sweating pofusely, breathing hard, and pale and called an ambulance. I'm there for three hours. My white cell count came back fine, as did my hemoglobin and everything else. She said before I left ""you may have an ulcer brewing down there but only your GI can go and look for sure"". I was released with a antacid and zophran. + +Well like a dumbass, I sat down and Google my symptoms of an ulcer. Started reading about puforated abdomen and began freaking out . I tried to smoke some green to calm down, as it worked before, and had some vague pain in my lower right side. Since I am my own biggest asshole, I absent/stoner mindly put ""lower right abdomen pain"" thinking it was gonna say ulcer and reinforce what I believe without solid proof....aaaand guess what it says first? Appendicitis. I still have my appendix (not my galbladder), and boy, THAT was a dumb idea to google. I shut down my home screen and put in some gtaV and tried to veg out on that. It worked temporarly. + + I have to call my GI in the morning, and I keep telling myself I'm probably just tripping out and blood tests dont lie, but there's that though in the back of your head that keeps your heart racing. Mostly because I have never had appendicitis or an ulcer, no does anyone I know have had besides my dad, which I was 7 and remember my brother going when I was being a whiny as ""sexstarvedpeepingtom, dad has an ulcer. If it start's bleeding because your stressing him out he can die"". He did die, cancer 6 years later. + +Google is an amazing tool, but I think I should stay off it. Anyone that has had an ulcer or appendicitis, how wold you discribe the pain?",Anxiety +34517,"People who actually are sick, still have health anxiety? I have really bad health anxiety, but I am wondering if it kind of goes away once you are actually Ill. I’m anticipating it being like jumping into a cold pool or something and once you’re in you’re in. +",Anxiety +34518,"Anxiety -> ... -> tender neck muscle To start, I've been going through a lot of health anxiety the last few months. I've never actually felt sick or anything, but this basically stems from getting fixated on swallowing/hyperawareness for months on end. + +It started out as if it might be tmj pain, but recently it was tongue pain, mostly when swallowing, for a few weeks. After I finally went to a dentist, assuming I must be scraping it on sharp teeth or something, they weren't able to find anything wrong. That has since eased off, I assume because my anxiety about it relaxed, but now it's more focused on a tender spot that seems to be on my scm muscle...which I saw can be a cause of swallowing pain. + +The upper front end, just below the corner of my jaw, spanning about a half-inch. It feels as if it's bruised or something, and it seems to be super tender to the touch. I don't feel any strange lumps/lymph nodes, and my salivary gland above it feels fine, it seems to be part of the muscle or a tendon in there. Pretty close to the surface. I've read that trigger points in the digastric might be involved, causing ""pseudo-scm pain"" but it's been driving me crazy. I've also been feeling a lot of tension around the upper shoulders. + +So I wanted to just see if this all sounds like a reasonable idea of what's happening, and if anyone's got some advice. It's super irritating and it's really hard to take my mind off the tenderness. I'm going to try and get a massage next week I think. Any help would be much appreciated",Anxiety +34519,"Are swollen lymph nodes always something to worry about? I sort of feel one on my right side, in my neck. But no symptoms of anything ",Anxiety +34520,"Anxiety over oral cancer A little over a week ago I noticed that I was having some pain in my mouth when eating so I looked to see that I have what looks like a bit of red bump/lump in the upper back corner. I've been brushing and rinsing it out with mouth wash for almost a week and while it feels like it's gotten somewhat better it still hasn't gone away and still have this kinda heavy like feeling on the side of my mouth. + +I'm starting to now have anxiety it could be something more serious like oral cancer. I do brush and rinse regularly and smoked smoked socially, but quit earlier this year. I'm only in my early twenties so the chance of it being something serious isn't likely, but it's still freaking me out. I would go to a dentist, but I am at college in a really small town and there isn't one here as far as I know and I don't know if a regular doctor would be able to do much. Has anyone else ever had anything like this?",Anxiety +34521,"Blotchy skin below knee Hey y’all-new to the group and I’m glad I found you! I have a question. I am freaking out over this rash under my knee. I don’t even know if it’s a rash, but it’s not bumpy, just flat, and blotchy looking. It doesn’t itch. I’ve noticed some pink dots too, these don’t hurt either. I recently shaved, I do sit by a small heater a lot (which is by my legs constantly) and I do wear tight pants at times. I googled my symptoms and of course the worse is coming up, I was just seeing if anyone has experienced what I have. I’m also wondering too if it is a heat rash, but I thought heat rashes hurt and this has been on my skin for 2 days now. Thank you!",Anxiety +34522,"worried i have something seriously wrong to start off i’m pretty sure i’m suffering from depersonalization/derealization. after i smoked weed (even though i had smoked many times before) about a month ago i just had that unreal feeling. apparently this is very common. smoking weed, having a panic attack, and then BAM depersonalized. +i have anxiety and depression, so even though what this is is most likely just depersonalization i cant help but think it’s something worse. like a brain tumor or something. +i am nearsighted so i do have blurred vision (bit with things close up like looking at my hands or something close to me) but recently i’ve noticed sort of vertical doubled vision? if i look at something i can see a little bit of a ghost image above it it’s sort of hard to explain. it’s only for far away objects and it’s worse when looking at letters like on a tv or poster. i read somewhere that this could be just from being nearsighted and it isn’t double vision. i also read on a forum where somebody thought they had a brain tumor to do the “pinhole test” where you make a small circle with your fingers and put it close to your eye and if the double vision goes away it’s an ocular problem and not neurological, which made me feel better. +i’ve had no headaches but bad memory and trouble focusing as well as the not feeling real feeling. +i kinda just need reassurance because health anxiety is a hard ass thing to deal with i’ve been terrified for a month of a serious medical issue!",Anxiety +34523,"Hello everybody, new member here! I'm so glad I found out this sub exists. So, I haven't always had health anxiety, more generalised anxiety, but for the last 6 months I've had obsessive worrying thoughts about getting just one particular neurological disease, I'm almost afraid to say what it's called as that can be a bit of a trigger for me, let's just say it follows me everywhere, everyday and nothing I do can reassure me I'm not in danger f developing this disease. I'm also on the autistic spectrum with OCD traits so this is definitely a big factor in my anxiety. + +I'm just posting this to introduce myself and say it's good not to feel alone for once :)",Anxiety +34524,"Sick, afraid of pneumonia For the past few days I've been sick, a cold probably, and until this morning it didn't really affect my chest. However this morning I woke up and it seemed to have moved mostly out of my head and into my chest. I just have a pretty minor cough going on. However I've also been experiencing some mild chest pains and also this feeling of an obstruction when I breath in, but I can still get a deep breath. Occasionally it might feel like I can't. Also it feels like there might be some chest tightness or pressure. Throughout the course of this cold I've been afraid of it turning into pneumonia, so obviously this is making me pretty anxious. Could this be pneumonia? Is pneumonia more obvious than that? At what point should I go to the doctor? How do I not panic when I feel this way?",Anxiety +34525,"Hemorrhoids or Colon Cancer? Help? Help, freaking out a bit here. + +Never considered the possibility of cancer. + +Here's the symptoms: +- I'm young, 23, so I know I have the odds in my favor here as far as likelihood goes +- Itchy butt (it seems to start near my colon, but itches all the way up my crack and on my cheeks; this is why I initially thought it was a yeast infection); comes and goes depending on carb intake & stress +- Just recently, I had some bad diarrhea and have been obnoxiously gassy since (for about the last week); farting is basically incessant +- Stools have normalized for the most part since, I'll have some hearty ones (the type you're proud of), sometimes some thinner ones, no additional diarrhea +- During the aforementioned diarrhea episode, there was some blood when I wiped (bright red, I seemed to come directly in contact with the ""source"" while wiping so not sure if that's a hemorrhoid or a polyp?); no blood in stool though +- Also, the itchy butt started after having sex w a girl I dated a few months ago (did an STD screening, negative) + +What worries me is just the combo of the incessant gas + itchy burning butt + blood + +Is a colonoscopy in order? Or does this sound like something less serious. +",Anxiety +34526,"It’s either side effects from my meds or leukemia... I am a cancer survivor, it will be four years since my initial diagnosis in a few weeks. I know the chemo I received is known to cause leukemia, and around New Years I started to have non-specific symptoms, abdominal pain that feels like when the cancer first spread to my lymph nodes, difficultly breathing, my joints ache significantly more than normal, my pulse races (120 at the moment, I’m laying in bed), and now I feel like I have a fever, get chilled easily (normally I can’t stop sweating), and it has felt like I do the night before I wake up sick for three months, and the strangest one, I randomly start bleeding, it’s happened 3 times, and when it stops there is no wound or scab, it’s as if it just comes through my skin. I saw my general practitioner a month ago, he basically said it’s all caused by my weight, I am heavy but not so much so that it could cause all of these problems. There is a possibility it is caused by my med though, I started a new antidepressant in October and it was upped in late November, all of these except the bleeding are on the list of side effects, albeit in the 0.1-1% incidence range. I see my psychiatrist Friday, and my oncologist next week, I hope I just have to change antidepressants again, it’s tearing me up waiting. + +TL:DR I might have leukemia or my problems could be caused by a med, the wait is killing me",Anxiety +34527,Just the mention of a terminal illness has become a huge trigger for me Basically anytime something that has anything remotely to do with like cancer or ALS or something like that sends me into a spiral of panicking. Today like 3/10 top posts on my Reddit feed had to do with cancer and it just made me feel so anxious. I couldn't help but feel that these illnesses were just waiting to happen for me and anytime I start to feel better cancer or some shit gets brought up. Does anyone else have something similar where just a word can trigger them and have any advice?,Anxiety +34528,"Extremely scared I have hantavirus I recently unknowingly moved into a mice infestation. So gross. Mice were in my room. Recently, about a week ago, I cleaned up the room. I swept it up. Idk if I swept up any mouse droppings but I'm so goddamn freaked out. Right now, I'm having bad hip pain. Its sharp and generally pinching. Having the same pain in my thighs, back and shoulders, but less frequently. I'm so fucking scared. It's said those are the early signs. Fuuuuck.... in a week or so I will possibly develop extremely bad symptoms. I hope I don't die... fucking hell.. this hip pain is like a 7... too scared Right now. I've been to the ER a few times... nothing yet.. I'm about to cry I'm so fucking scared the mortality rate is damn near 50% (38%) + +Help me cope with my possible impending death",Anxiety +34529,"Worried about sepsis. I'm new to this forum, it's quite comforting to find people who experi3nce health anxiety and how awful it can be. + +I'm having a terrible day. I'm 23 and for my whole life I have suffered with urine, kidney and ear infections. Plus a range of other infections thanks to cat scratches. + +I'm now deathly terrified of contracting sepsis, I currently have an ear infection and I'm just scared constantly. I don't know what to do. I feel cold and i have abdominal aches and I'm terrified of every symptom, debating whether I should have in and go to the emergency dept. I can't sleep and it's just affecting me greatly, I'm terrified I might misjudged a symptom and end up dying. + +Not sure what to do :( ",Anxiety +34530,"Physical with Family Friend :/ Hey guys! So, this is pretty awkward, but I don't know where else to turn. + +I'm a 23 year old man with severe insecurity about my body. Long story short, I was recently accepted into a Nursing Program at a local college. Part of the admissions process involves a physical exam. + +I enlisted in the Army at 18 and had a physical at MEPS, but the doctor was an old man, so it didn't matter much. This time, however, the physical will be at a local clinic due to my lack of insurance. + +The doctor and the practitioners that work in his practice are all old family friends. (Like, since I was about 6) I'm extremely nervous because I'm afraid the physical will make things weird around these people. + +I know logically that they're all skilled medical care providers and can surely separate personal and professional lives well, but I'm still a little embarrassed. Does anyone have some advice? 😅",Anxiety +34531,"Doctor appointment tomorrow and terrified I have an appointment for a physical tomorrow morning. I haven't been in 2 or 3 years and this is with a new doctor. I have never been so anxious about a basic checkup before. I'm not sure if it's because of my current cancer fear (lymphoma and/or vaginal cancer) but I'm a wreck. I'm so scared of my bloodwork coming back all messed up. I mean, even something like high cholesterol is going to freak me out. My new doctor has a patient care portal so I can log in to look at my results when they come in and even though it's probably a bad idea I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from checking. + +I'm just ready to get all of this over with :(. ",Anxiety +34532,"HELP! With ocd Hi, I’m a 22 year of female and have been struggling with OCD for as long as I can remember. It was really bad when I was about 10 and went away for a few years. However, it came back with vengeance about two years ago in the form of relationship OCD. That faded and morphed into Contamination OCD. It’s been ruling my life for two years and I’m honestly sick and tired of it. I do everything in my power to keep myself and the things around me germ free. I know it’s an irrational fear because 99% of people don’t live like me and are doing just fine. I don’t even know what I’m truly Afraid of. Getting sick doesn’t really scare me (this part confuses me too, you’re not alone). I just can’t shake the anxiety I get when I know I have come in contact with germs... I am currently on Zoloft even though it doesn’t seem to help. Any advise on how to kick this thing in the Ass would be greatly appreciated.. thank you ",Anxiety +34533,"Colon Cancer Fears Creeping In again Hi. + +So.. it’s been a long time since I posted In here but today I had a bowel movement that was very dodgy. So my colon cancer fears have come back. Last year it sent me to the Dr. Multiple times. I don’t have any other symptoms. No blood, no weight loss (if anything I’ve put a little on) no fatigue etc. - Just dodgy bowel movements. 1-2 times per day. + +I’m unsure as sometimes I’ll have these weird flat bowel movements then I’ll have normal ones. + +Just don’t wanna be consumed by this fear again? ",Anxiety +34534,"Fluttering Having an episode now and just need to vent. Open to advice or anything you have. A few months ago I started feeling a funny feeling in my chest. Specifically, it seems to occur when I lay down after light exertion. Like walking up the stairs and plopping on the couch. My heart flutters like crazy. It will beat hard one time, not beat for like two seconds, and then beat really fast. I get this funny feeling in the back of my throat, too. So, I went to my PCP and she listened and said she heard a murmur AND a flutter. Great. So, I’m dying. Well, she sends me to a cardiologist. I get an EKG and a halter monitor for 24 hours. Nothing shows. Cardio says it’s fine. Not a single thing to worry about. But, I still get these things. It fucks with my head cuz I just keep thinking “a healthy heart doesn’t do this” and “I will probably die young because of this.” I know these things are common, but that serves little comfort when they are happening. I just worry that my heart is wearing out or something. Can anyone provide me with literature that goes into detail about how chronic palpitations are not associated with lower life expectancy? Or, if they are hit me with that shit too. I’m not afraid of the truth haha. I just get into this habit of checking my carotid pulse when it happens and being like “ooohhh fuck you’re surely gonna die this time... this is a bad one...” ",Anxiety +34535,"Worried about tetanus. Today I was tearing apart an old wooden desk. There was one screw I was loosening and I reached out to pull the screw out when something pricked my pointing finger. + +I immediately pulled my pointing finger away and went straight to the bathroom to disinfect it with hydrogen peroxide. There was a small metal piece which had loosened from the screw and pricked me. The wound is no larger than a pinprick and it had no notable bleeding. + +Yet, here I am worried about tetanus. +Please educate me or assure me that I am going to be just fine - if you could. I am driving myself crazy.",Anxiety +34536,"""If I survive this, I'm changing my life for the better. I'll become the healthiest, most organized person in the world. I will avoid anything that may compromise my health and will fight to the end. I'll change my ways, this time for good."" - my reaction to having a bad cold. + +Figured many of you can relate to those weird surges of motivation when you survive something seemingly harmless when before you thought it was catastrophic.",Anxiety +34537,"I've convinced myself I have oral cancer Maybe not the right place but I'm just anxious. I smoke once in a blue moon And I drink kinda regularly. I don't have any consistent symptoms, but I do get random sores or pains in my mouth that only last over night. I can't go to a doctor or the hospital. I'm just a mess, I guess.",Anxiety +34538,I convinced myself I have muscular dystrophy I read a book about this now I think I have it my arm keeps shaking and feeling weak which is freaking me out too,Anxiety +34539,"Lymphoma fear Hey guys. I've been having a swollen lymph node ever since June and it's freaking me out. I had a full CBC in April and everything seemed perfect aside from a little high cholesterol. + +After the tests everything started going haywire. In June I noticed the painless (sometimes it hurts) lymph node, started feeling tired (I've been building more muscle mass but my strength is getting lower), I started getting shortness of breath randomly (mostly when lying down), random itchiness non-localized and some pressure in my neck. My veins suddenly became very visible in my hands and feet (I think I'm pale but other people don't agree) and my tongue sometimes burns after eating and gets a bit swollen. + +I'm really freaking out right now.",Anxiety +34540,"Terrified of brain amoeba / fowleri Hi everyone. I'm down in South Australia, and I've found myself going a little insane over something very silly for the last day.... + +I will start by saying that our water has a decent amount of chlorine as far as I can tell, it's the only thing you can taste in the water, and if you fill a bathtub it's even ever so slightly green. There's never been an order to boil water or anything of the sort either here. + +So moving onto story time. I often get itchy eyes before bed, so I keep a glass of water in the bathroom, that way I can rinse my eyes out quickly to calm things down, the glass of water had probably been out for a few hours, anywhere from 6- 12. Last night I did it, and as the water ran down my face a little bit got in my nose, maybe a drop or 2 tops. I started freaking a minute later as I remembered all I'd read about fowleri.... I blew my nose a bunch, and I rolled up some toilet paper, and stuck it up my nostril as well in an attempt to deal with any water that had made its way up there. I spent a terrified hour in bed reading things on my phone, and eventually calmed down enough to sleep. + +Now all day today I haven't had a fever or anything of the sort, but I have been getting sinus headaches. (Quite possibly from blowing my nose so much) And I got rather paranoid in the shower too, anytime water got near my nose, or even the tiniest bit might have entered I freaked out a bit. My right nostril which is the one the water entered is also worse than the left, but the discomfort might just be from me freaking out and blowing it a ton... I have bad sinuses at the best of times, so it could just be dust or allergies too. + +I know I'm probably being silly, but some confirmation would be lovely, especially since the glass of water, while cold was sitting out a long time... A day of sinus headaches just doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, even if it probably was cause I wouldn't leave things alone. One last thing to note is that 2 family members of mine recently had colds, so that might be why I'm feeling crappy sinus wise too, the right side being worse than the left still has me all freaked out though.",Anxiety +34541,"A great, simple technique for coping with health anxiety (I posted this as a comment to another thread about panic attacks, but thought it warranted its own post. It's adapted for anxiety from a similar method in *Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy*, a book on depression by David D. Burns, M.D.) + +*************** + +If you struggle with health anxiety (or any kind of anxiety really), give this a try the next time your worries start to get the better of you. I do it in an Excel spreadsheet, but a notebook works fine too. + + +**The Three-Column Technique** + + + +**Column 1: Fear** + +In this column, write down whatever's freaking you out at the moment: ""I'm worried I'll have a heart attack out of nowhere"" or ""What if someone took what I said at yesterday's meeting the wrong way?"" + +**Column 2: What triggered it** + +Write down what you were thinking, feeling or doing when you started down your current worry spiral. For example, ""I felt a skipped heartbeat"" or ""I felt my lymph nodes and they seemed a little swollen."" Over time, some triggers will appear more often in your notes than others, helping you spot habits that get you into trouble. + +**Column 3: Real talk** + +Normally, you only think of the worst-case scenario. This is your chance to do the opposite: write down every reason you can think of that you'll be absolutely fine - which, by the way, are *exponentially more realistic scenarios*. Go nuts; the more you write, the better you'll feel. + +For example, my scariest symptoms are skipped heartbeats, so when I feel one, I list points like these: + + + * Skipped heartbeats are perfectly normal; most people have them and don't even notice + + + * Some people experience thousands of skipped beats a day and are perfectly healthy + + + * You already met with a cardiologist, and she gave you a clean bill of health + + + * Skipped beats are a very common side effect of anxiety - it's much more likely anxiety is the cause than some rare heart defect + + + * This aside, I have zero symptoms of an underlying heart issue + + + ...and on and on. + + +The more you use this technique, the more you'll notice the same fears and triggers popping up over and over again. And when you see that, you'll see how often you worry about the same thing - and how your worst fears are never, ever realized. + + +Hope this helps, stay strong!",Anxiety +34542,"Thought I was finally getting over my brain tumour worry... It's been over two years, many ""illnesses"" (MS, Colon Cancer, Diabetes, you know the story) but the one constant is this damn brain tumour. Anti-depressants and CBT yet it's still there, I even successfully stopped googling anything medical for nearly 2 months but relapsed very bad this week. It always comes back to brain tumour, now I'm feeling like I haven't made any progress, I can't get past it. Don't know how much longer I can do this.",Anxiety +34543,"As someone who has recovered from health anxiety, I want to reiterate how true the pinned post about reassurance is u/nathan98900 has posted some excellent advice about how reassurance feeds health anxiety. If you are not hypochondriac and you get stressed due to a chest pain, then yes, reassurance will work for you and you will get on with your life. But if you are hypochondriac, since your mind is in ""worry-mode,"" when you are reassured about one of your symptoms, yes you will feel temporary relief, but it is very likely you will probably find something new to worry about. I was sick and tired of worrying about every single symptom and spending a fortune on dozens of doctors. So one day I decided that I will stop caring about my symptoms and stopped googling and got on with my life no matter what. Then for a few weeks my symptoms and anxiety become worse, almost unbearable. Of course they would be. My anxious mind had got used to the instant gratification from reassuarance seeking and was begging for that. But I had said to myself that I would keep myself busy and distracted no matter how anxious I was and ignore my symptoms no matter how much panic I had. Then, something very logical happened. My mind decided that since I am not reacting to all these symptoms, then they must not be that serious. So it could take some time off and relax and not worry anymore. Then anxiety slowly dissipated and along with that all these symptoms that I thought could give me a diagnosis of 20 extra rare fatal diseases went away as well. + +Also remember that almost all people recover. You do not see that in this sub, because people that recover do not come back to post. You may feel hopeless now, but it is certain that you will be fine eventually once you find what works for you. This is what worked for me btw: +https://www.reddit.com/r/HealthAnxiety/comments/7z73gn/i_got_rid_of_health_anxiety_3_years_ago_after/ + +Stay strong and take care! + +Edit: Sorry for the unstructured post, I wrote this on my mobile phone",Anxiety +34544,"Worried ive had cancer and its progressed too far now undiagnosed I apologize in advance for my sloppy writing. Im a 19 year old male, and 18 last year when i started experiencing my symptoms. It was June or july 2017 and i had been starting to feel tired more often as my senior year ended. Nothing shocking since ive always been tired and i was losing sleep over stress of not knowing where i was gonna go for college or how i was gonna spend the summer. One day in the summer when i was hanging out with my cousin i became unbareably tired and felt like i was gonna pass out. Id describe it just as the feeling of having really low blood sugar. I layed in my bed and freaked out because i thought i had something terribly wrong with me, my parents didnt take it seriously but instead talked very gently through it with me about how it was probably my anxiety and that did bring me back to feeling somewhat less fatigued after a rational conversation. I thought this feeling would go away during that week for sure, but i felt fatigued the whole week through. Being alone bored fatigued and scared to death that whole week took such a toll on my anxiety and stress levels. After that week i started to attempt to move past it, getting out and doing more physical things to try to shake it off and to also test that my physicallity wasnt degrading. Im not very fit and was never good at running but i wasnt physically diminished at all, i could run for just as long and do just as many pushups despite feeling a vague fatigue. After that it was on and off but it always came back, a sensation if vague fatigue and low blood pressure that would just strike me randomly. I went to the doctor a month later and all of my vitals were normal and he brushed it off as anxiety and stress related. I also wanted a blood test, which returned as completely normal. So i was just living like this, being constantly fatigued on and off. I eventually went back to him in august to try and get more answers but with good vitals yet again he wouldnt listen to my concerns and kept telling me it was psychological. I had another blood test which came back completely normal. Probably around september i started focusing on my bowel habits and noticed sometimes my food was indigested. So i thought hey, either colorectal cancer or ibs is behind this. I got a stool test done which came back completely normal. Now comes the beginning of this year and im still feeling frustrated by my off and on fatigue without any answers, so i try talking to a new gastro doctor because im still focused on having colorectal cancer. This doctor actually listens to everything i say and he suggests adding fiber to my diet. He asks me if i wanted a colonoscopy but i say no because im afraid to have one and we have poor insurance (which is possibly the most annoying aspect of this whole thing because whenever i visit the doctor which yields nothing my moms stuck with a bill that almost always goes into collections) anyway, i voice the concern that i might have celiacs disease because i have many food allergies as it is. I get a blood test done in late january checking for sprue and some cancer markers because i voiced my concern. Still completely normal and its not celiacs. Here we are in march and my worries at an all time high. Its literally all i can think about. Made so much more troubling by the fact that over the past week ive been off balance on and off. (This started last week after smoking marijuana right after waking up and having an anxiety attack) im scheduled to go to a different doctor for a physical and guidance but the next available spot is fucking april 29th. Im so afraid i have some kind of abdominal cancer and its already too far. ",Anxiety +34545,"I feel drained mentally because of myself Every single day for the past few years I have woken up and felt something wrong with me, and I convinced myself it was everything you could possibly imagine; cancer, AIDS, heart disease, and whatever else. I used to smoke cigarettes regularly (I switched to Juul which is still unhealthy but at least it's better), but I just recently quit due to my fear of developing cancer. Every tiny problem with my allergies/ constant dry cough/ dry throat/mouth has a reasonable cause, but I ignore it and continue to worry myself to death. My health anxiety is bringing me down, and I'm constantly depressing myself to the point of not caring about anything. +edit: grammar",Anxiety +34546,"UTI won’t go away I was diagnosed with kidney infection last Tuesday, but had to stop Bactrim early because of allergic reaction. I had my UTI right culture done and there’s still bacteria in it. 😔 My Doctor said it could be because I had to stop early or it wasn’t right med for that bacteria. + +So, my doc is calling in another round of antibiotics. I’m sad and anxious, I’ve heard stories about ppl who battle these and forever and some that escalate into something worse. Has anyone gone through similar with a positive outcome? Thanks!! ",Anxiety +34547,"Some advice for those of you suffering from hypochondria.... Get professional help before it turns into a more generalized anxiety. Over the course of six years I basically burned myself out on the health anxiety. One disease after another until the point that I stopped caring about any symptoms, imaginary or real, altogether. Unfortunately it's turned into a living hell of generalized daily anxiety with no breaks in between. I thought I had beaten my health anxiety into submission, but in reality it just morphed into a new beast. Now instead of having some relief between imaginary diseases I face an unrelentless onslaught of unreasonable fears. ",Anxiety +34548,"Worried About Arsenic Poisoning I'm a college student volunteering at the local Natural History museum in the ornithology collection. Early on my supervisor warned me that some of the older specimens had been treated with Arsenic. I continued sorting specimens, never running into the aforementioned older ones until last Tuesday. When I encountered them I made sure to handle them carefully and thoroughly washed my hands when I had finished with each bird. When I mentioned the specimens to my supervisor she jokingly said ""technically we should be using gloves"". I immediately began to panic. For the last few days I've been concerned that my health has unecessarily been put in jeopardy. I read online that there can potentially be cross contamination between specimens, so now I'm worried other birds could have had trace amounts. I haven't always been super diligent about washing my hands post-volunteering. Now, I think I may have permanent brain damage. I forgot my headphones to an editing job today, which only bolstered my concern. Does anyone know anything about Arsenic? I'm freaking out.",Anxiety +34549,"Soreness in Hand and Leg Starting on monday night, my left hand has been numb, sore, and weak. And then on wednesday my left leg had started to get sore. I'm worried that this could be ms or guille barre or something similar. Anyone else had an experience like this?",Anxiety +34550,"Phobia of appendicitis, anxiety whenever I get any tingling sensation in my stomach, i'm in a vicious circle Hello, i've been feeling pretty weird for about 15 days now, and I want to share a bit of backstory to help you understand better +6 or 7 years ago, I felt a huge discomfort around my abdominal belt, so much that almost had to sleep standing up because it was the most confortable position for me, I went to a doctor and he shoved his hand in my lower stomach so hard I screamed in pain, he said it was appendicitis even though the pain was coming from him and him only, and he rushed me to the hospital. After a day of stress they announce me that i'm fine and that I just have to take some medication because there was a problem with my nose for some reason. + +Because of that experience, any small tingling sensation in my stomach puts me in a state of anxiety, my heart rushed, i feel heat around my head, I want to throw up and I have diarrhea, which are common symptoms for appendicitis, so i end up in a vicious circle. + +I've been suffering from anxiety and depression for a while now, and i'm pretty inactive at the moment, I'm a lot on my computer but ever since too weeks i've been feeling stomach discomfort for sitting too long, which triggered my anxiety through the roof and messed up my digestive system, going from constipation to diarrhea every few days, I also suffer from lower back pain. +After a night of drinking yesterday, I'm now left with anxiety and hangover, and an annoying discomfort in my right flank area, parallel to my arm under my ribs, which doesn't help my anxiety. +I have an appointement Tuesday but i'm terrified because i have to wait two days and I can't really take it anymore, I'm afraid i might have something serious and I don't know what to do. Thanks for your help !",Anxiety +34551,"Stressful, anxiety-ridden past few months So, I just wanted to start off by saying that this community has really helped me to calm down by knowing so many others are going through similar things as myself. Everyone is also so kind and helpful to one another, which is even more reassuring. + +I've always had a little bit of health anxiety since I was a child (e.g. thinking I have appendicitis when I have a pain in my right lower stomach), but for the past several months, I have been in constant panic mode. It all started when I went to the ENT in December, she removed the wax from my ears (which I've had done before), and then a few days later I had intense ringing in my ears, a clogged feeling in my right ear, headaches, and dizziness. I was googling like crazy, which made things even worse. That ringing and googling led to, what I now know were panic attacks in which I was feeling disconnected from the world and having episodes of shaking, like the chills, amongst other symptoms. Long story short and countless ENT visits later where they didn't find anything wrong with me, I then went to the dentist who said I most likely had a TMJ disorder as a result of grinding my teeth, which I thought would make me feel better. But obviously, it didn't, and I just started to get different symptoms instead. + +I have been having a random ""tic"" in my neck in which it will randomly slightly jerk my head. Sometimes I get a little spazz in my leg or my arm as well, and a twitch that will last for a second or two in random body areas. I also have like a ""shaky"" feeling on the inside, which will sometimes lead to my fingers or toes being a little trembly. I recently have been getting floaters in my eyes, which I'm not sure if I've always had them and just never noticed, or if it's something new (my vision has been bad for years). Also, I randomly have ""visual snow,"" which I think I've also had for a while, but was never really concerned about until now. I feel like I am so hyper focused on my body and I just don't know how to get out of this phase. + +I am only 23 and I feel like I am going crazy. I'm in my last year of grad school right now, and currently doing an internship in a hospital for speech pathology. So, not only am I at a super stressful time in my life, but I am around these disorders such as ALS, Parkinson's, MS, etc, and the fact that I see these disorders frequently, makes me even more nervous because they can really happen to anyone! I am caught between that ""1st year medical school"" syndrome thing and going to the doctor to see if there is something to actually be worried about. I stopped googling my symptoms, which has helped a great amount, but this anxiety has not fully gone away. + +For anyone taking the time to read this, thank you. It is a little bit of relief being able to express my feelings instead of keeping them inside.",Anxiety +34552,"CT Scan coming up. I went to my primary a few weeks ago for what I suspected was a UTI. Turns out it wasn't and I was referred to a urologist. The doctor made me extremely nervous, said there was some trace blood in my urine and wants me to go in for a contrasting CT scan and then have a cystoscopy. I'm beyond to pieces right now. I haven't been able to focus at work or at home. I just keep thinking it's cancer even though there's no history in my family of bladder or kidney cancers and I'm only 29. It's all I can do not to google myself into a panic attack. The tests are still a week away does anyone have any advice or any stories of similar events that might help me get through the next week.",Anxiety +34553,"So worried, any ideas what could be wrong? Hi everyone, so basically for the paat month i've woke up everyday with headaches, mostly tension headaches, and the feeling of pressure. I also get flashes of light in my vision, chills, and a tingly feeling going through my whole body, also pain in my arms and slight numbness in my fingers. 2 weeks ago i vomited aswell which really didn't help matters as i have a fear of vomiting. + +Im convinced i have a brain tumor but i went to the doctor and he shone a light into my eyes and said everything looked ok but i still dont believe him. I've have headaches from anxiety on and off in the past but they never lasted this long before. + +The last 2 months have been really stressful for me as my mum was in hospital with liver failure and i had to look after my dad during that time who is a schizophrenic. My anxiety was improving but this has brought me back down and i feel worse than ever. + +Does anybody know what it could be? Is it a stress reaction or could i really have a brain tumor? ",Anxiety +34554,"Thanks for being there I just want to thank this community for existing and being so huge and active. We’re having a bad time but at least we’re not alone when everybody else doesn’t believe us or take us seriously, and that relieves a lot of stress. ",Anxiety +34555,"Possibly letting anxiety get to me? I am the type of poster that you will hate. I'm fully aware that I am 90% of the time just blowing everything out of the water with anxiety, it's been my MO for awhile. + +I was at a bar talking to some women when we had to run my cousin back across the street to the hotel due to him getting into arguments. When we came back there were shots on the table for us and I really remember almost nothing after that. The only thing I remember is being in a car with one of the ladies and that guy being really grabby from the backseat. + +Woke up at the lady's house the next morning and she dropped me off at my car. I've talked to her since and she's the guy did kiss me when we dropped him off. She said “you did get out to piss at one point and he followed you out. Don't know what happened but you were only gone about 45 seconds and didn't say anything when you got back in”. + +That was last Friday night/Saturday morning. It's not Sunday and I have been sick as fuck. Sore throat, head stuffed up, probably one of the worst coughs I've ever had. Obviously the first thing that comes to mind to me is HIV. As far as I've been told from her nothing happened that night aside from the kiss part. I have since noticed that the condom from my wallet is gone but that honestly could have been gone for awhile before hand. I may have just forgotten to replace it. I would think if anything else happened I would be a bit sore the next day. I obviously know nothing about this person so their status would be unknown to me. + +I know the general consensus will likely be that I am being overly anxious. But I know that I will not be able to calm down until I can be tested. Apparently HIV RNA tests are able to detect after 11 days? The only thing I can find about those is through this site: https://www.stdcheck.com/hiv-rna-test.php + +And I'm not sure how trustworthy that is. Thanks in advance!",Anxiety +34556,Overreacting to symptoms Does anyone feels the same? If there is the slightest abnormality or pain on my body or state I get extremely anxious and am convined this is a sign of a serious illness. At night it's the worst and keeps me awake (like if there's a red spot on my skin it's probably skin cancer). I'm also too afraid to go to the doctor because he might find something terrible.,Anxiety +34557,"Obsessing over stools. Worried about parasites. I've been looking at almost every stool I pass for the past couple of months because I'm crazy and I have a fear of parasites. + +It seems to be only getting worse as now I'm afraid to eat some foods because of some stupid stories I read online. Yesterday I cut open a quinoa patty and almost had a panic attack because I didn't know quinoa looked like worms. + +Anyway, back on the parasite topic. I've been passing weird white stuff for several months now and I think it's gotten more frequent somehow. Although I think it happens with every bowel movement. + +I posted on /r/AskDocs with a pic if you're brave enough to go look at it (warning: it's pretty gross as you might have guessed). + +I've also started washing my hands every time I touch something and I also check my bedsheets obsessively for anything suspect before I go to bed. I look at most foods with my phone's zoom, too. + +I can't even pet my cats anymore because dandruff and flea eggs are like indistinguishable. + +Going crazy.",Anxiety +34558,"Brain tumor anxiety Hey reddit. I'll start by saying that I'm a huge 22 year old hypochondriac. It started in last December, when I pooped a lot of blood and I was convinced that I've got colon cancer, I couldn't function properly for a whole month before I got my colonoscopy which revealed a small benign polyp which was removed. + +Anyways, since yesterday all I've been reading about is brain tumors. The reason of that is, when I was in work yesterday (slept only 6 hours and didn't have breakfast, then worked from 8 am to 2 pm) I kind of tripped twice when I was standing and wanted to turn around. Like, I'm clumsy overall and I sometimes trip or bump onto things, but never so often. Also, when handing the change to the customer (I'm a student but I work part time as a cashier) I dropped a coin twice. Or when he asked me for certain cigarretes, I grabbed the blue instead of red ones etc. After the day of overall lack of concentration I started googling and I found that brain tumor may cause clumsiness, loss of concentration, balance etc. I had a CT scan done 4 years ago due to head trauma but it was clear. However, I've read that tumors can grow fast. Should I go to doctor or observe myself for couple days? I've never head headaches as well. ",Anxiety +34559,"My Health Anxiety Symptoms Hi Everyone! + +As someone who has been struggling with health anxiety for the last 4 years, I have found the acknowledgment of potential anxiety symptoms to be the most reassuring form of support. This is not only reassuring to me as it reminds me of all of the different ways anxiety might affect your body, it also reminds me (and hopefully others) that many of these symptoms quickly pass, as they are only manifested *only* as a result of mental illness. + +Here's all of the symptoms that have come and gone as a result of my health anxiety. I hope that people may relate, and be reassured. I've bolded those symptoms which have remained more constant throughout the last 4 years. + +1. tingling extremities + +2. **cold hands and feet** + +3. muscle spasms (mostly in leg, thought it was a blood clot, it was not) + +4. **tightness of muscles** particularly around neck and shoulders + +5. dry mouth + +6. **bruxism** + +7. chest pain, stabbing + +8. **chest pain, dull/achey** + +9. constipation/diarrhea (thought this was hypothyroidism, it wasn't) + +10. hair loss (thought this was PCOS, it wasn't) + +11. Paralysis like symptoms (this came in two ways. One: overthinking things that should be unconscious-- me, thinking about swallowing, resulted in my temporary inability to swallow liquid. Two: mid panic attack, thought I could not move legs. + +12. **pelvic, vaginal/vulva pain** (thought this was vulvar cancer, literally got a chunk cut out of my vulva to test. As soon as results came back negative, the pain stopped) + +13. **headaches** + +14. **HEADACHES** + +15. **pressure in head, tightness** + +16. insomnia + +17. **lethargy** + +18. difficulty concentrating + +19. hearing phantom ringing (always hearing my alarm clock, even when it's not going off) + +20. jitters + +That is all! (I think). I hope this helped someone, please feel free to ask any questions. ",Anxiety +34560,"Not sure what is real and what’s not anymore Hey guys, + +I am a 29 year old female with two kids ages 6 and 11, I have had this illness since I was around 6. It would be to the point I would make myself hyperventilate and my heart would go nuts and go to the emergency room, I would vomit all the time and be in serious pain. I had all sorts of tests and they were all negative. It died down a lot from ages 13-24 but since then it’s been getting worse. It didn’t help that for 3 weeks in 2016 I thought my symptoms of a bad headache, neck pain and double vision was just my anxiety but it turned out to actually be meningitis!!! I was in the hospital for 7 days. + +Now, every headache I freak out. Every rash I freak out. Stomach ache, palpitation, everything. I’ll be at the store sitting in front of the bp machine for 10 minutes. I carry around a thermometer if I feel hot I check my temperature. I google non stop. I look in the mirror and smile to make sure I’m not having a stroke. It’s embarrassing and terrible! + +Lately I have been losing my memory and getting panic attacks when the light changes from high to low. I have a red rash on my face I can’t get rid of. And I KNOW these aren’t made up. A least not my memory or rash. I go to an mri Wednesday to see if something actually is wrong. Please wish me luck as I’m already nervous enough!",Anxiety +34561,"Stomach ulcer concerns Been anxious for a while about this. I fear I have a stomach ulcer. + +To keep things, I will have random spasms across the abdomen with a sense of feeling hungry at night. Sometimes dull pain will be there and I belch often enough. I can get gassy but it is not prominent. + +It isnt a burning pain and it doesnt interrupt my sleep. I will feel nauseous after eating at times but not always. + +Stools are fairly normal. Light brown that sinks. + +No vomitting as of yet. Fatigue nothing out of the ordinary. I will feel some sort of ache on the breastbones, arms and knees but the latter two not every day. + +I will have lower back pain - but only at my job that requires a lot of standing and easily relieved with exercise. I do not have back pain at home or when moving. Only by standing at work + +Am I being a nervous Nick or os there genuine concern to be had? + + + + +",Anxiety +34562,"My neck hurts. Is it serious? I have two swollen lymph nodes, pea sized, on ONE side of my neck only. I’ve been fighting a cold, so my sister says it’s nothing to worry about. +However, our other sister died of lymphoma at age 33. +I’m supposed to leave for vacation Monday, so it’s unlikely I’ll go to the doctor before then, also, no health insurance yay USA. +What do you all think? Hypochondria or maybe death? ",Anxiety +34563,"Feeling stupid lately... Alright so I’m 16m, have health related anxiety, and have had this sort of thing before. Maybe someone has something wise to say. + +So I constantly worry about losing intelligence; I’m a pretty bright guy but I often worry that this attribute is slipping away from me. I’m rather insecure about this. + +I work at a swimming pool that’s under construction. There were diesel fumes in the pool the whole 3 hour shift. They were bad enough at one point to give a coworker a headache, and at least one patron turned right around when she came in and smelled how and it was. Mgmt didn’t close till the last 30 mins! I was one of the last on the deck. Didn’t really get a headache, though. Anyway I own a juul, I was using that before and after. So nicotine exposure. Haven’t used it for a few days. Also I drank a bit with friends the night of that work shift. Continued using the juul and drank more the night of the next day. Also I was at higher altitude for two days after this, but only 2000 ft higher than the 5000 of my hometown. Back home and still feel what I’m about to describe. + +I feel like my memory has been shitty since this, and my mental/cognitive/linguistic abilities down. I feel dull. I’ve had scares like this before, but this feels different. Is this just anxiety? Anxiety seems to cause very real physical symptoms for me, but I feel less stressed than I normally would during this type of episode. Anyone have any words of advice? + +EDIT: Forgot a MAJOR component: I got a meningitis vaccine the day before the second drinking incident. Not an antivaxer at all, I just was worried about the interactions between all these in relation to my memory/mental issues recently. Kinda reinforces my point that I forgot this big part which was a primary part of my thoughts about this :(",Anxiety +34564,"Real problem , but i'll post here for looking some help. Hello, so i'm a 27 year guy - one kidney. + +I decide to post my problem on internet because i need a solution or a real explanation of my problem. + + +2 years ago i made a CT contrast Scan for a neck problem, and after this episode i had start to urinate a lot of foam and smelly urine everytime (yes , the next day after CT scan) 2 doctor told me that ""there was no protein so just don't look at your pee anymore"" . So This is not a solution ! i'm already shocked about my single kidney (discovered 3 years ago) and no one want give me a real explanation for this. So if anyone know something about this and can help me i really appreciate it. (i'll pay too if anyone help to find the problem). + +Thank you and be kind please. ",Anxiety +34565,"Paranoid I'm having a stroke, heart attack, blood clot or Diabetes... Help please v.v So for the past week I've been having issues with my neck, on the left side. Feelings of fullness, I would constantly feel it seeing if there were any bulging veins or something, and it would go down to my should or back. I think I pulled a muscle. So I went to an urgent care the other day and the doctor told me there's nothing wrong, says I just pulled a muscle. + +On top of that, suddenly today I've been getting tingling and numbness on my left arm and hand/fingers. + +I was streaming a game and I noticed my left hand started shaking and twitching, and my right is perfectly fine. So after ending my stream, I went into the bathroom to check it more and it's been really scaring because my brain thinks I'm having a stroke... + +ON top of that with that shaking and tingling in my left hand, my left side of my jaw and cheek are also tingly, and it's still happening as I write this post... + +So recap.. my symptoms are... + +- Tingling and Slight Numbness in Left Hand/Fingers +- Shaking in Left Hand +- Twitching thumb +- Tingling / Slight numbness in my left cheek and jaw + + +I'm a 24 year old Male and I weigh around 202 pounds, and I have severe health anxiety v.v",Anxiety +34566,"Hantavirus - freaking out - vacuumed large amount of what looked like mouse droppings from engine bay of car. I’m seriously worried right now. Here’s my info. + +Male +21 yrs old +165 lbs +5’11” +No previous health issues and no medications + +I purchased an older vehicle from Alabama (I live in northern Illinois) on March 3rd, 2018. It was shipped that day and arrived March 6th, 2018. On March 25th, 2018 I opened up the engine cover (It is a van) and discovered a large amount of broken nuts or acorns and what looked like mouse droppings (small, round pellets about the size of rice) on top of the engine, along with a few chewed wires. I’m assuming that at some point this van sat for a period of time (not sure if recently before purchase, but I assume not, as there are was no sign of a current infestation to the previous owner prior to purchase). Anyway, fast forward to me cleaning it out a few days ago with a regular household vacuum. I don’t believe I used a respirator (mask) for all of the time, but if I did it was a 3$ one that is made for basic things like sanding, not for chemicals or pathogens. I vacuumed it up for quite awhile, probably about an hr. My question is, am I at risk for hantavirus? It seems that the virus wouldn’t survive after excretion for very long, and assuming that the mice were active until the very day that the van was picked up in Alabama (unlikely), there still would’ve been about 2.5 weeks between then and when I first opened up the engine compartment, and another week or so until I vacuumed it up. Any knowledge or experience with this? Lifespan of hantavirus after excretion? I’m killing my self over this and my anxiety is giving me a bunch of “symptoms”. Thank you in advance! ",Anxiety +34567,"Throat nastiness for months! Honestly just need a little reassurance that nothing is wrong. I'm a 22 year old male, and I've had hard swollen lymph nodes in my neck (especially my right side), drainage and nasty looking tonsils for 2 months. I've also had a feeling of tightness in my throat. I've been on allergy medication but it hasn't really helped. + +2 blood tests have shown that I have low white blood cell count, and I have had a round of antibiotics but it didn't help. I've seen 2 nurse practitioners and the only thing they could offer is that I do an STI test, which came back all clear. I'm going to see my PCP soon, but as a college student 5 hours away from home, it makes me a bit anxious that something could be seriously wrong and I'm so far away from decent help, or at least help that my insurance covers. Plus, I've already missed at least 3 days of school for visits and whatnot. + +Just a sinus infection that is lasting for months? Some other virus? Some STI the test didn't check for? Something worse? I have no idea. If anybody is interested in seeing a picture of my throat, it's in another post in my post history. ",Anxiety +34568,"I'm so tired. I am 27 y.o, male, and I am so fucking tired. Every goddamn day that I wake up I have a brief moment of calm before everything gets going. +When I wake up, I am fine. 2 hours later I know that I am going to die in a couple of weeks. It never ever fucking goes away. +Being a hypochondriac, is going to either kill me from some fucking disease or it's going to make me kill myself. I have +tried getting help from the psychiatric ward, and I was actually seeing a therapist for a couple of weeks before they said +that before we can go on I have to start taking my ADHD medication again. I said ""Ok fine"" thinking that it would only be a couple +of weeks before I could continue with the therapy sessions. It has now been over 3 months since I was in a session. It always keeps on getting +postponed because a doctor quit or that ""there are many people waiting for a psychiatrist"". I am so fucking tired of waiting, so fucking tired of +worrying about disease X and disease Y. +The first time I started experiencing problems was this autumn. I went abroad and as soon as I landed I got a lot of problems with my stomach. +Constipation, dihareea. When I got back home I went to see a doctor who did a shit load of tests on me. Couldn't find a single problem with me +other than possible lactose intolerance. So I went to another doctor who said it was most likely IBS. After a couple of weeks the problems went +away, until I was more or less completely normal. Then I noticed I started loosing weight. My thoughts automatically went to a number of horrible +diseases. I started eating more, and stopped taking my daily walks. (Which I started because I was told it was good for anxiety). +When my dad came to visit the latest batch of problems started showing up. A lump in the throat. It feels like I have something +stuck in my throat that I am trying to swallow all of the time. It's not present the first couple of hours after I wake up, but after a while +it sets in. So I went to the doctor today and described my issue, and after an examination including blood tests and some stick in the throat +tests, he said that he could not see anything. He mentioned ""Globus"", and I have read that that is connected with anxiety. I just can't seem +to get it into my head that it is that and not something else. This is where I am at the moment. +I am so tired of this constant worry all of the time, and I am so tired of going to the doctor every other week trying to figure out +if I am going to die next month or not. It is so fucking exhausting... +The only medicine I have at the moment is Promethazine for my anxiety, and I don't really know if it is helping or not. I guess it helps a little, +but only for a couple of hours. +I am tired of this, and thoughts of just ending it and getting it over with are constantly lurking around. What the fuck am I going to do?",Anxiety +34569,"Change in stool? First post here! + +I know it's gross, but I've noticed what I would call a significant change in my stool within maybe the last year. I don't go nearly as often, and sometimes when I do, it feels like it's very little or there's more in my body that I can't get out. I think that's kind of normal, since I'm a 24-year-old female and I know my metabolism has to slow down at some point, but I feel uncertain about it. + +On top of that, I have noticed a little bit of blood in my stool. I've have had trouble with hemorrhoids in the past, so I'm pretty positive that's got to be what the blood is coming from. + +On top of THAT, I've also noticed an increasing amount of mucus in my stool, which I feel like my body may be producing to make up for my possible constipation. + +Anyway, it worries me because I know colon cancer is becoming more prevalent in adults my age. In addition, I'm not overweight, but I have a history of eating poorly, which I know can lead to colon cancer. + +I'm definitely going to pass this information along to my physician the next time I see her, I guess I just wanted to see what someone might say here first. ",Anxiety +34570,"Overcoming physical sensations Hey guys, how do some of you work through physical sensations such as light headiness, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, racing heartbeat etc... please list the sensations you feel and how you overcome them. Thanks!",Anxiety +34571,"Smaller stomach after hernia repair surgery [Help] Hello,i am a 19 yo rather healthy female and i have underwent a hernia repair surgery a month ago.Im roughly around 66kg and 176cm tall. Now im not the most fit person and i had some stomach fat before the surgery and after. The past week has been different and i had started eating once or max twice per day since my loss of apetite and i noticed that my stomach is way way smaller than it used to be. Is this the cause of the said surgery,eating less food (i was pretty inactive though) or could there be another more worrying reason? +I need advice.",Anxiety +34572,"Has therapy helped you? Hi guys, I just found this sub. I've had health anxiety my whole life, but as of the past year it's gotten so much worse and it's really ruining my life. I feel like I have symptoms of OCD mixed in as well. There is always something I'm worried about, and I suffer from intrusive thoughts regarding exposure to disease/carcinogens/etc extremely often. + +It has given me some kind of solace scrolling through this sub and seeing I'm not alone. I really would like to see a therapist regarding this issue, and I'm wondering if any of you have done the same with positive results. Are any of you prescribed medication as well? I'm not keen on medication but I would take it if deemed necessary. + +TLDR; I'm looking to get professional help. Has professional help helped to effectively treat your issues with health anxiety?",Anxiety +34573,"Be careful of Google results. Don't click on calmclinic. Also my head hurts. I'd never seen the website before in my life, but it was suddenly not only the promoted result *and* the top non-promoted result when I googled a generic symptoms (I know, googling bad). I clicked out of curiosity, seemed like an innocuous anxiety website, it directed me to a test, which then offered to send me in-depth results via email (no), or I could get basic results, which I clicked. Then a long-ass video with a woman promising she could cure me in just a few weeks, no meds, no therapy! It was really deceptive because the video suggested she would tell you the solution at any moment, but eventually she asked for $78. It was an obvious scam (to me) and I knew that from the start, but it was really well crafted. I doubt anyone here would fall for that sort of thing, but if you see calm clinic in Google results, click on the feedback button to report it as a scam. :) I think at one point the woman insinuated that if you thought the whole deal was too good to be true, that also was your anxiety lol. Who tf can sleep at night after weedling mentally ill people for money? + +Anyway, comes and goes, but I've been getting this weird pressure headache, generally around the crown and eyes. Often accompanied by a rushing in my ears that times with my heartbeat. My anxiety was better, but I had my period and it left me feeling really tired, and I dunno if it's tiredness causing anxiety, or if I have blood pressure problems. I googled blood pressure stuff, saw the word ""stroke"" and exited out before I made myself worse. :(",Anxiety +34574,"Got a minor sunburn today So I've spent the past 5 hours freaking out over skin cancer, remeasuring every mole, and generally feeling sick to my stomach. My favorite part is how my brain went from ""Well, you got a small pink burn with no blisters on the back of your neck, must be INSTANT MELANOMA."" For all my various cancer fears - in the past 2 weeks I've convinced myself of oral cancer, colon cancer, small bowel cancer, eye cancer, and nose cancer - I think skin cancer is the most visceral. Always spirals into nausea and some pretty uncomfortable twists while I smack a ruler against the few moles on my back.",Anxiety +34575,"DAE get anxious when it’s super cold? I’ve been visiting the Midwest for about 2 weeks, and my anxiety has been getting worse. + +I never get cold, and when I do, I assume something is wrong. I’ve been cold a lot, so I’ve been on edge, and every sensation is becoming aware to me.",Anxiety +34576,"Red spots on forehead under the skin For the past few days I’ve been coming up with these strange small red spots on my forehead! They’re under the skin and are quite bumpy looking and also when i touch it. +I’ve tried absolutely everything - all the spot creams I have, antiseptic creams, changed my face wash, used a face mask... I’ve even put fresh lemon all over! +I haven’t changed anything in my diet recently either :( I’m not sure what has made this happen... it’s making me sooo self conscious and I just can’t stand looking at my face in the mirror :( does anyone have any tips on what I could do to make it go away? ",Anxiety +34577,"Can’t get over this fear... Health anxiety is the worst. I don’t know how to get over it. Every time I’m over one health fear, a new one shows up. Currently I’m terrified I have a pulmonary embolism that my drs are missing. I’ve been short of breath for a month now. I went to the ER and they did a CT with contrast and an X-Ray and said there was no PE, especially since my blood ox was 100 and my BP was perfect. I accepted this for a little bit but now I fear they just missed it. My GP said it’s my asthma and allergies but since my inhalers aren’t working I’m back to thinking a PE. I got dizzy recently so I called 911. They said blood ox was good and EKG was good and agreed it was my asthma/anxiety. The EMT said they can miss PE’s on CT’s though so I’ve been spiraling since last Thursday. I’m so scared this thing is missed and I’m just going to drop dead. I can’t talk to my husband about it because the subject just enrages him at this point. I’m sitting here debating on going to the ER again for another CT but I also know that’s crazy. Anyone else struggle with this fear?",Anxiety +34578,Thromboses How can we know the gravity of them ? What is the best way to get rid of them ?,Anxiety +34579,"Question about recovering from HA First off all I want to thank this sub for helping me get by from a bout of HA recently. I've recently been through straight non stop HA for a month and I've been feeling some physical symptoms that come along with it but today I finally got an all clear from my doctor that I'm perfectly fine. It honestly made me feel instantly better. I got my energy back, appetite etc. but I unfortunately am still experiencing a few of them, more specifically, different body aches, suddenly feeling cold and this burning back pain albeit they weren't as bad as before. I just wanted to ask if psychosomatic symptoms last for a while or are they supposed to disappear right away? + + +Thanks for any answers!",Anxiety +34580,"worried sick about vCJD 19/F. USA, California + +I feel like I fucked up so bad. Like yeah, hamburgers are arguably gross, but I always thought they were just bad for you nutritionally and that was a lot easier to dismiss than ""hey your burger might be harboring a death sentence"". I didn't learn about BSE/vCJD until a few months ago. I feel disgusting. The only beef I really ever ate was ground beef, whether it's from the store or from taco bell or some other burger joint. I ate ground beef frequently and carelessly. + +I have tiny muscle twitches frequently at night and it perpetuates my fear. What do you think the odds are that the beef I ate contained BSE? I'm reading that fast food ground beef uses the mechanically repurposed beef which is basically all the risk tissue smashed into a patty. I'm horrified and terrified. I have panic attacks nightly. I need help. Someone please talk about this with me",Anxiety +34581,"Relapse Advice Hello, Fellow Hypochondriacs! + +I've had severe health anxiety for a couple of months beginning around August last year. Panic attacks, pulse checking, spending way too much at the doctor's office, the whole shebang. + +Around February, I got on top of my shit and turned a leaf. My therapy, healthy eating, and exercise finally kicked in and I was literally like a new person. The health anxiety dissipated and I was able to function. + +But, after a dizzy spell over easter and a whole bunch of stomach problems from eating too many things I'm intolerant to, I've had a major relapse. I'm back to not sleeping, I can feel my heartbeat constantly, I'm Googling non-existent symptoms and struggling to function again. I'm hoping this is just a temporary relapse, a speed hump in what has otherwise been a pretty linear recovery. + +What do you do in periods of anxiety to make yourself well again? What has helped you in the past? What should I do to help me get out of bed in the morning and function through a full day? Help! ",Anxiety +34582,"help me!!! any suggestion how to cure insomnia?? +for how many days i cant sleep well, +help me pls",Anxiety +34583,"24 yer old male w/high cholesterol? Hey, I'm a healthy 24 year old male who has recently lost about 20kg. I'm 180cm tall and weight 75kg. Recently I had a fasting lipid study done, and the results were (mmol/L): + +Total cholesterol: 4.4 +HDL: 1.1 +LDL: 3.0 +Non-HDL: 3.3 +Triglyceride: 0.7 +LDL/HDL Ratio: 2.7 +Cholesterol/HDL Ratio: 4.0 + +The doctor seemed quite surprised at these results for someone of my age but for the last year I've followed a very healthy plant based high fibre diet. Are these figures worrying? Does anyone have any thoughts? + +Cheers :)",Anxiety +34584,"Bee Sting I got stung by a bee earlier today. It's been several hours. + +Could I have a serious allergic reaction after so long? Is there something I should worry about, or am I being irrational?",Anxiety +34585,"I am always cold? I have had anxiety my whole life and I don’t know if this has to do with it. But it started off with just being cold every night, but it’s gotten worse. Even sometimes when I’m out in hot 75 degree weather I still get shivers. I should also mention I’m very thin do that might be part of it. Advice? What could it be?",Anxiety +34586,"MS Awareness commercial terrible for my MS anxiety I've been dealing with HA for about 4 months now. Mostly centered around physical symptoms. Recently, past week or so, I've been having this pins and needles feeling in a small spot on my lip thats been coming and going, and some spots in my left leg with the same, but the leg stuff is pretty much gone. I also been having some blurry vision but I've chalked that up to having just started Lexapro a week and a half ago (I hear it can cause that?). Unfortunately I'm still only on 10 mg, likely getting moved up to 20 after a month. And while the side effects have sure been there, no real benefits so far. Anyone been where I am? + +Anyway so I've been doing pretty well with the HA the past couple of days until tonight a MS awareness commercial comes on and all the anxiety flairs back up since that what my HA has been centered around recently. Am I not supposed to watch tv ever? How do you deal with triggers?",Anxiety +34587,"I need new ways to cope I’m 26 year old female and I’ve been struggling with health anxiety since I was 17. + +Whenever I’m sick or hungover my heart starts racing and I have a hard time calming down or sleeping. I’ve been to the doctor about my heart, and everything always checks out as normal, but I can’t keep the anxiety and worried thoughts away. The best form of coping that I’ve used is showering. On a bad day, I’ll shower around 5-6 times a day. It seems to be the only place I can meditate and really relax and get my HR down. Im lucky to have at least that, but it’s not very practical, especially when I’m trying to function with my day to day responsibilities (school, work, socializing). I need something else to get my heart to calm down. + +Breathing exercises or meditating outside of the shower never works for me because I can’t calm down enough to focus. + +I’ve never posted on here before, but this sub is regularly helpful to me and any responses are appreciated. Thank you :) ",Anxiety +34588,i haven't struggle in almost a year but here i am here's the deal: i have a very real cyst. it is possibly to likely infected. it's just one of those benign ones you get on your skin. well i've had mine for four to five years. no big deal. this last week it has started to hurt and become infected. lame. it's rather large. like an inch diameter. and i cannot stop worrying i'm about to contract sepsis and die. like it is rather painful. i went to a UC and they said i was fine. i have a dermatology appointment in a week. but i'm still freaking out. i will be fine. i know i will. i just cannot chill out. i am trying so hard to take my mind off of it but it's on my lower butt cheek and basically any kind of sitting really aggravates it. idk what to do!! give me techniques to chill!! i've been really good about this until today,Anxiety +34589,"My AskReddit Terminal Ilness thread I’m sorry for the thread (it was mine). I have severe health anxiety myself and just wanted to know a few red flags for knowing when something is truly wrong with you. I’m sorry if I worsened your anxiety at that moment, but I had to do it because of my own anxiety. I really didn’t expect it to show up on the front page. ",Anxiety +34590,"Anyone else have a fear of cancer? Not looking for reassurance because I know that's not going to help. I guess I need to vent + +A few years ago my friend died of ovarian cancer. Ever since, I've had multiple phases where I've had an extreme fear of having some form of cancer. + +Lung. Colon. Throat. Liver. Stomach. Ovarian. Cervix. Uterine. Bladder. Breast + +Its like I jump from one to another. Right now I'm having a bad fear of uterine or cervical based on symptoms I had. + +This fear has caused me to have so many procedures done. Colonoscopy, X-rays, pap smear and breast exam (granted those should be done on the regular), breast ultrasound, transvaginal ultrasound, etc. + +It's so freaking draining. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I just needed to vent. Thanks for those who read this. Can anyone else relate?",Anxiety +34591,Help I've been having terrible sleep problems this week. Most nights I get 3 to 5 hours and have a hard time falling asleep. I started retaking my anxiety meds and tylenol PM and they dont seem to help. I'm scared to death and start my job next week. Please help me out. ,Anxiety +34592,"YOU ARE NOT ALONE... Don’t Google! We can conquer this! Hi, have been struggling with health anxiety since early 2017 and just wanted to share my experience and offer encouragement. Some days are easy and some days are hard but I’ve dealt with it all...Headache=brain cancer. Chest pain=bad heart. Feeling weak=ALS, to name a few. + +Anxiety can and does create real pains that you physically feel. But most of the time that’s the only thing wrong, the anxiety. The worst thing I did was Google, Googling my symptoms only sent me down a more anxious and depressing path and feeling of impending doom. Know that you are not alone in this temporary struggle but we can conquer it!",Anxiety +34593,"Anxiety about neck/chest cancer. I’m a 30 year old detailed and I am convinced that I have some sort of throat/ upper chest cancer. And I can’t let it go. I have a pain/pressure in my upper rib cage and my gag reflex is triggered often (i.e. I have a feeling if a lump it my throat). I also have a dull pain on the front left side of my neck that comes and goes. + +I went to my GP and he said the pain in my chest is likely costochondritis without a sinister cause and that the rest could be triggered by a bug/virus, etc. and that I shouldn’t worry - just take ibuprofen for the pain and to decrease any inflammation. + +But he didn’t do any tests other than feel around my chest. And now I’m freaking out and worried that he wasn’t thorough enough and that I have some sort of cancer or other serious condition I’m not dealing with. ",Anxiety +34594,"Can a girl get pregnant if she was on the pill, the condom was used and didn’t break, and the man didn’t ejaculate at all? It will be exactly 5 months ago in a couple day that I had a sexual encounter, and I used a condom, she was on the pill, and I didn’t ejaculate at all during sex. I get anxiety in my head that bad stuff could happen to me when my life is going good and this was was something that came to mind. She also told me a few days after we did it she got her period but I don’t know for sure. What should I think? ",Anxiety +34595,"Daily bloody noses, bloody sputum, dry blood in nose, just want someone to clear things up for me. I have bad winter allergies, and recently for the past week my nose has been very dry, i decided to turn on my phone flashlight and shine it in my nose just to see what it looked like. It appears my nasal passages are red and I have dry blood in my nose as well. To be fair i was picking off super-dry boogers which felt as if they were attached to the inside of my nose off, which caused temporary bleeding, but I just want some confirmation. I am a 17 year old kid who just wants to know if i should be concerned or not, I've had 2 nosebleeds today which occurred after blowing my nose (I have been doing that frequently but after looking it up, I've been blowing my nose too hard). If anyone can give me a simple answer on whether or not i should be concerned I would greatly appreciate it, thank you and have a nice day :).",Anxiety +34596,"Fear of vocal cord spasm So one of my biggest health anxiety fears is not being able to breathe. I am currently sick with bronchitis and am being treated and have been managing well enough. Tonight my wife was watching a medical sitcom and someone had a vocal cord spasm and couldn't breathe and almost died. This has been a fear in the back of my mind for years since someone that used to work for me actually suffered from that, so seeing it on TV again triggered me. Couple that with my current sickness with bronchitis and now I'm a mess. I am trying hard not to Google and I guess I am just here looking for reassurance and to vent. LOGICALLY I know I am fine and will be fine, but my brain wants to convince me otherwise. ",Anxiety +34597,STD Anxiety I got tested everything came back negative and I felt calm. I still worry that I have some disease that is dormant or that they missed it. I have no reason to believe the girl I had sex with has anything and I guess the thing I’m scared about is HIV and that he chance of it actually being HIV or anything else are super super low. I’m definitely a Hypochondriac and have had Health Anxiety for a long time and I managed it until for some stupid reason I went on google like 30 minutes after the fact and now I’m worried I’m spiraling. Does anyone have any input and or tips for helping me control this anxiety. Also I have had no symptoms for any STDs at all prior to or after the testing. So I’m like 95% sure this is all anxiety. ,Anxiety +34598,Sometimes I think about how there are people *actually dying* who are less fussed about it than I am. The shame is real.,Anxiety +34599,"Should I wait for my appointment on Monday or go now? I keep freaking myself out... Im not seeking any medical advice I just want to know if this type of thing can wait a couple days or if it’s an emergency. + +So I have pretty bad depression and it makes me lose motivation to take care of my health. Despite that i have health anxiety and always thing I’m gonna die lol. + +Well I went to the dentist recently and we scheduled a day to do some fillings and I have one tooth that needs to be extracted but was waiting for a later date. My fillings appointment is on Monday. Just my luck, either the tooth that needs to be extracted or the tooth that needed a filling next to it got infected just yesterday. I had bad jaw pain and tooth pain and my face is swelling. I’m taking some over the counter meds and trying to tell myself I can wait this out until my appointment on Monday. I’m not in any pain anymore but my face is swollen still. + +Anyway I know a tooth infection left untreated can get worse and start breaking down your jaw and infect your heart and whatnot and the thought of that is really freaking me out. I’m afraid if I wait half a week to go to my dentist it will land me in the hospital. I just need someone to tell me I’ll be okay and waiting till Monday isn’t long of a wait. Ugh...",Anxiety +34600,"Working out worsening my anxiety Hey all, + +I'll try to make my story as quick as possible. I've been working out for about 9 year now. I've battled forms of anxiety and depression my whole life. My health anxiety has been at an all time worst this past month. About a month and a half ago I took performance enhancing drugs (PEDS). I stopped cold turkey after taking them for 12 days cause I saw some symptoms I didn't like. Ever since I've stopped, my panics and anxiety have been killing me. My biggest fear is that I screwed up my heart just from those 12 days. + +I don't really fear anything else except for heart issues. I haven't been able to sleep since I've been in fear. I went to my doctor and she gave me all the physical tests (took my blood pressure, listened to my heart/breathing and checked my limbs for swelling) and she said everything seemed fine. + +Yesterday I returned to the gym and working out makes me so nervous. I keep thinking any type of physical exertion is gonna cause my heart to stop. One symptom I've noticed is that I feel a weird bubbly feeling stemming from my upper left abdomen, sort of where my chest meets my stomach and it feels like a weird pressure/bubble rising through my stomach/chest and throat on the left side. It's almost like I have to burp but can't. I noticed its been happening and its mostly when I workout. I'm super scared that I have AFib. Hoping this is just anxiety related or stomach related. + +I've been doing so much googling lately that I've come up with about 50 different possibilities of what it could be lol.",Anxiety +34601,"do you ever just went on r/lastimages late at night. saw “pulmonary edema” and googled it. connected some of my own “symptoms” to symptoms of that illness. + +spiral. + + +repeat. + + +anyone else? lmao + + +also, “does anyone know how painful it is and how easy it is to tell if you have pulmonary edema? How fast do the symptoms worsen, when does it become fatal?” just a ton of questions you want to know the answer for that aren’t on the websites so you can reassure yourself. ugh",Anxiety +34602,"Heart pauses when drifting off to sleep Has anyone experienced this and had it diagnosed? Sinus node or eptopic beats? + +I do get skipped beats mainly when stressed but lately after a major panic attack when i drift off to sleep i feel this pausing of the heart and it makes me scared to go to sleep. + +I stay awake until i eventually fall asleep. +",Anxiety +34603,"17, Need professional help but not sure if parents understand that I'm 17 and male. Since last year I've constantly thought im going to have a heart attack, cardiophobia. It's really starting to get in the way. + +It started with bad heart palpitations and arm pain and I took multiple trips to the urgent care center and a few ekgs, and they all said I was fine. It takes me so long to fall asleep at night because of this, I get anxiety attacks often, and I've formed a habit where I need to knock on wood almost all the time to calm me down a bit (weird habit) + +I'm not overweight and I go for bike rides a lot but my dad is always telling me to workout because he loves working out. I tried it months ago but the fear I was going to have one multiplied and I couldn't stand feeling my heart beat. He's trying to have me do guided meditation but for some reason that makes me way more anxious than when I started. He hasn't wanted me to go to therapy because I haven't ""committed to his solutions yet"". +I get and appreciate he's trying to help but I really wanted professional help. I went to them in tears a couple weeks ago saying please just let me get some professional help, and my mom said she'd find someone. Fast forward to today and I found out she got my a family psychologist, one that already sees my 10 year old brother (he gets very angry). +I wanted an actual therapist, I'm not sure if it's the same thing and my mom is saying that ""he's just going to say the same things we've been saying and it's going to cost a lot"" +I'm not trying to make my parents look bad because I get they're trying to help, and my mom used to have a lot of problems with depression and anxiety when she was a teen so I'm sure she gets it, but I just dont know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Looking for any advice. I usually take my mind off it by hanging out with my friends by the campfire at night and that sort of stuff but I moved from New England to TX 3 months ago and I haven't made any close friends yet. +I just need some advice, this stresses me out so bad every day thinking I'm going to die, please and thank you so much.",Anxiety +34604,"Swelling under ""Xiphoid process"", results in mental issues and gastrointestinal tract issues Hello, + +I am 27 years old male. I am a lonely guy that drinks a lot of beer. I drink only beer intentionally, so that the harm of alcohol is less. + + +Recently, however this is still becoming an issue. I let my alcohol addiction to beer to overrule my healthy life. I smoke a lot of cigarrettes and I drink beer every day. I also drink so much coffee. My life is good, but recently I feel this anxiety. My overall performance is getting lower too. + + +A few months ago I noticed that I have swelling exactly bellow my ""Xiphoid process"". It is something internal. I have Gastrointestinal tract issues. I feel stomache discomfort, as well as drifting issues regularly. I researched about symptoms and could not get any information about it... + +Recently I feel a lot of anxiety and it is messing my decisions and mental health already. I think this could turn into dementia or something serious. It could be a cancer, as well, I don't know. + + +I could have possibly gone to a doctor, but the problem is that I come from a poor family and owe around 500 euro for health care, which I cannot spend at this point. + +I hope you guys could help me identify the possible reasons for all this, so I can make some adequate response to it.. And I will see a doctor soon probably. I am just a bit scared and unaware of what I did to myself. + + +Hope you guys support me and give me advice, Thanks! + +**EDIT;** Also, I have been very anxcious around people ever since child. Every time I talk to someone, I feel something like pain in my stomache and have to make effort for all my conversation. I ended up a quiet and lonely guy because of it. This is the whole reason I abuse alcohol, cigarrettes and coffee. I wanted to overcome something psychological to be more connected. This abuse was obviously affecting my digestive system or something.. i don't know. I know that this will become a nightmare and could possibly be the reason for my death some day. + +**Edit:** sorry, I am actually 30 years old male. I am so embarrased right now. + +**TLDR:** Swelling under ""Xiphoid process"", anxiety, mental disorder due to beer abuse and smoking +",Anxiety +34605,"Please help, i'm mentally breaking down slowly. Am I going insane? I dont know why but I keep worrying about having a hormone issues, I have some symptoms of low testosterone, low ring finger (I dont see any men I ever met ever having a short ring finger), puffy nipples that developed over time. I'm docile and weak and I'm isolated 24/7. I keep telling my mom of the symptoms I have and we went to a doctor before and I just told them to test my testosterone around 2 pm and they said it was normal! + +I later realized I had gyno but not enough to be noticeable at all (I juts have puffy nipples) but she wont take me to the doctor again to ask him about it. + +Am I just going insane or something? I don't like the idea of having hormone issues but I may have it. I have abnormally big shoulders, skinny wrists and I have some normal body hair but it just come in and I'm turning 18 soon. ",Anxiety +34606,"Sick of taking anxiety medication ast year I was paralyzed on my left side due to a lesion on my brainstem. I recovered thankfully and learned to walk, talk and eat again. I have documented the last 15 months since being discharged. I have tried different medications (a lot) for my residual symptoms. Equilibrium and gait issues, depression and anxiety, cognitive issues and most importantly my severe neuropathy. If I didn’t take my medicine I was so itchy and uncomfortable I would be clawing at my feet and legs and actually leaving pretty big cuts. I was losing my train of thought and having trouble finding certain words. I have been in the medical neurology field since I was 19, I’m 34 now. I know about medical issues and treatments and all of them have such a negative impact on daily life. I had to make a change. I started taking CBD oil and weaned myself off all my meds. I feel great. My thinking has improved. My speaking skills are on point now. I am no longer losing bits and pieces of a conversation. I wish I did this sooner. Like I said I recovered, but I was left with a lot of symptoms, things that my grandparents are complaining of and even though I’m only 34 this is my life now. I can’t go on the rest of my life taking pills everyday. So now I take CBD oil in the morning and at night. I started out slowly and gradually increased it. I decided to start selling it to get a discount on my monthly oils. Im not a sales person but if I can benefit from this, I am sure other people in the same boat as me could too. I was desperate and willing to try anything and now knowing I can take something that is all natural and not made by a pharmaceutical company and it’s legal makes me feel so good. I don’t mind talking to you personally or just go to the website. http://www.hempworx.com/DfrizadoI I wish you luck on finding your cure to be pain free, now that I’ve tried this I am not going back to pharmaceuticals. ",Anxiety +34607,Biohazard Scare While I was waiting for my clothes to dry this guy came out of his car with a red biohazard trash liner or waste bag and put his clothes in the dryer. I am thoroughly scared right now help lol,Anxiety +34608,"Diarrhea...every single night! So in the past couple of years, I’ve shit the bed while sleeping, three times...after the second time, I figured out I’d had a stomach ache prior to going to bed. So then I started taking Imodium anytime I had the slightest stomach ache before bed. It’s gotten to be less and less effective at stopping it, and even had a breakthrough accident recently, even after taking ten or 12 pills before bed! I take a LOT of sleep meds due to severe insomnia, so when I wake up from it, I can barely shower and change sheets without a dangerous fall. + +The anxiety: what’s going to happen when Imodium ceases to work at all?? + +Oh. Not to mention I can never even LOOK for another SO again...😢 + +Also WHY is it happening just at night?? + +I don’t get diarrhea during the day! I’m actually somewhat constipated during the day! + +What is happening to me?! + +What could this be?!",Anxiety +34609,"I am going to be on an airplane for 16 hours. My panic attacks and obsessive thoughts on my health are brought on by not having control. Am I completely screwed? Just like the title says. I am going to be on a long plane ride and I am not looking forward to the potential anxiety I will have while in the air. +Last time I was on a plane it was a three hour flight and thought the whole time I was going to have a heart attack in the air and not have any help in a dire health related situation. + +So my question is for all of you hypochondriacs who are often on planes.. how do you push through it without feeling imminent doom?",Anxiety +34610,"Struggling to discern between anxiety and ""real"" symptoms How does anyone manage to deal with health anxiety, when you clearly have symptoms of something and it isn't just a general worry about dropping dead from cancer or a stroke? + +A couple of weeks ago I noticed I had ""air hunger"", that sensation that you aren't getting enough oxygen and I have begun to get vertigo / dizzy or lightheadedness quite frequently. Here in the UK it is quite hard to get a Dr's appointment that isn't an emergency one and I have got one booked in for close to the end of the month. The last week has been horrible for me, because while realistically as a 29 year old I am not at a huge risk of lung cancer or heart failure and I cannot stop obsessing about how serious this illness could potentially be. Especially because it is clearly not a common cold, but if it is real maybe a viral infection like labyrinthitis. The problem is that the more I worry, the more things happen like palpitations, stomach ache and such like. All classic anxiety symptoms that I am sure are due to my HA, but my mind just cannot reconcile that the simplest explanation must be true. Its the opposite of how i operate as I am a scientist and normally think very logically. + +In the past I have spoken to the GP about my HA, but they don't really seem to do much about it. I asked if I could be refereed to someone, but instead was told to look up self-help related stuff online. Weirdly, I worry that being labelled as a hypochondriac on my medical records will bias a doctor towards me if I am require treatment. + +Just have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks until I can see a GP for a 10 minute ""lets do nothing and see what happens"" waste of time. ",Anxiety +34611,"Have no idea what to say about this any ideas? I'm only 12... This is my results from the color quiz not edited and reading it feels like me and I can confirm it is. Btw really like fucking scary accurate test xD check out color quiz + +Color Test - Results + +Your Existing Situation +""Is sensitive and easily influenced by other's thoughts and emotions. Looking for friendly, easy-going relationships and jobs that help develop them."" + +Your Stress Sources +""His normal flexible and stubborn attitude has become weakened because he feels overworked, tired and as if he is stuck in a rut. The situation seems helpless and is causing him to physically feel the strain, he is searching for a solution but he is unable to make a decision on how to go about making the changes."" + +Your Restrained Characteristics +""Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents him from becoming too involved."" + +His confidence is low but he is unable to admit that is the reason for his avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of his control and he is making the best of it. + +His arrogance causes him to take offense quickly. Only those closest to him know deep down he is sensitive and sentimental. + +""He is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity, but can be restless and emotionally distant so he never really gets too involved with others."" + +Your Desired Objective +""Feels as if he has been held back from many things, and that other things have always tried to dominate him. He now feels he has to make up for lost time by living an overly intense lifestyle."" + +Your Actual Problem +""Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of his control, leaves him feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. He escapes the situation by throwing himself into new activities and insisting he get his own way. Appears to be in control of himself, which he isn't, leading to outbursts of anger."" + +Your Actual Problem #2 +Is afraid he will be held back from obtaining the things he wants leading him to act out with a hectic intensity.",Anxiety +34612,"Stinging pain in far left side of chest that’s worse when I move my left arm. Hey guys. + +I’m trying to get some help identifying what this may be. + +For about a week I’ve had a constant pain in the far left side of my chest. + +I went to the doctor about it, who said my blood pressure and heart sounded fine, so I should just carry on as normal. + +However, having HA I’m freaking out that it’s not “fine”. + +I have noticed that if I raise and lower my left arm, the pain comes on sharper as a burning, stinging like sensation in the same far left spot on my chest. + +Any idea what this may be, and if I need a second opinion? ",Anxiety +34613,"Need help ASAP pls It all started 2 weeks ago when I went to exercise with my friend, I haven't exercised in about a year , I was feeling good and ready to do anything , so I asked my friend if he could race me and he was down, I wasn't expecting anything to happened, so I went full speed and after running for about 80 meters , I kind of lost control of my body so I stopped immediately I had a hard time breathing and then fainted for like 5 seconds after that I started vomiting... After that, I went straight home to rest . I did not think of any disease or symptoms , I thought that happened because I was away from sport for a long time ,A week later I started paying attention to every detail, and these are the symptoms that I have: +Diarrhea. Blood in stool. heart palpitations . I think I lost weight too. Exhaustion. Vomiting. After Googling these symptoms it turns out to be Colon cancer . I'm so scared right now . I've never been this worried before and I can't visit the doctor until next week , anything would help .",Anxiety +34614,"Logically, I know my nails are a healthy colour... But I can’t stop checking them. Every 45 seconds, I swear. Obviously my heart is malfunctioning and I’m about to die. Perhaps I’ll paint them, at least they’ll look nice at my funeral 😂😂😂 +Health anxiety is the worst. ",Anxiety +34615,"Today I had THE worst panic attack of my life Ok, so just got home from hospital, after having a major panic attack. +My HA started 6 years ago, when I fell ill, had a number of tests on my head and heart over the course of a few weeks. During this time, I convinced myself I was dying - too many different ailments to list. +I started having panic attacks, usually when in a crowded area, that were debilitating. +Cue lots of therapy, medication and 6 years later, I felt I had it under control (I still have bad days and symptoms, but not as bad as previous). I haven't had a proper panic attack for a couple of years. +Then today. I've had a cold for a few days, and had taken my daughters to their dancing competition, when suddenly I started to feel dizzy. This quickly became a cold rush through my body and tunnel vision. Heart rate doubled, blood pressure rose, and I was expecting to pass out. +I have friends at this competition, and I asked them to call an ambulance. Trip to a&e, 2 ecg's later and given the all clear, I'm now resting at home, heart rate slowly coming down, and the cold rushes are getting further apart, and I'm mentally drained. +Does anyone else get lasting effects from an attack? Particularly the 'cold rush' feeling.",Anxiety +34616,"Pressure on head likely due to stress and anxiety, but knowing this doesn't make it go away. Hey everybody, + +20 yo Male here. + +To give a little rundown for the past year or so whenever I have any sort of problem with my body I tend to assume the worst and can't stop thinking about the issue until I get 100% confirmed of the problem and that it is solvable. A good representation of this was in December I thought I was having heart palpitations, and it really stressed me out. Long story short and a few doctors visits later, I had an ultrasound of my heart, and I passed with flying colors, where there were no signs of any problem with my heart. After that day, my heart did not flutter once and hasn't really since because if I ever start to get to that point, I remember the ultrasound and how good it was, and the problem will cease. + +More recently however, my lower right abdominal was hurting and after some googling (which I know is bad for me but I still do anyway) I believed it could be appendicitis. So I did my classic worrying and got some bloodwork done and a CT scan, and there was classically no issue to worry about. A few days later with some medication, the gut problems went away, but then I had my first nosebleed in a few years. I live in upstate New York, so this should not be an uncommon thing, but it spiraled into something very aggravating. + +This is where we address my current issue, which is a pressure on my head that is likely some sort of tension headache. The pain level in my head is extremely low, probably around a 1, but I can tell all the muscles in my neck/shoulders are now tense. I have been doing my classic Googling, and I'm certain that all these symptoms I have been getting are solely due to anxiety and stress, but knowing that isn't taking away any of the tension in my head. This problem has caused me to have trouble falling asleep, making me wake up in the middle of the night, and waking up much earlier than I would want to. Last night it felt as though I just laid there and didn't sleep at all, but I'm sure I likely did. I am now on a more or less sleep schedule of trying to go to bed around 1 am, not being able to until 2:30 am, then rising for morning at about 7:30 am. This whole process is likely what is causing my stress, but is also something that is tough to conquer due to my stress. I have started to work out recently, and usually after hitting the gym I am feeling ""normal"" for a little while, but right when I wake up my symptoms manifest and it's back to this anxious version of myself. + +I am not sure what I am hoping to come of writing this, maybe I just want someone to tell me that what is happening is solely due to my stress/anxiety so I can affirm that even further. Or, maybe I want somebody to reciprocate with me and tell me they went through the same thing, and let me know how they got through it. Right now it just seems like a constant cycle that is very tough to break, but I'm hopeful for the future. + +Hope everyone has a great day, and thanks for any help.",Anxiety +34617,"Hydroxyzine for Anxiety After having anxiety for most of my life, I had my first panic attack last night. I went to the ER today to make sure everything was working okay (I was experiencing chest pains) and I told my doctor about my anxiety. I've never gotten treated for it because it hasn't been totally unmanageable until lately. I am a 22 year old college student so most of my current anxiety/worriment comes from the stress of school. The doctor prescribed me Hydroxyzine 25 mg. + +Since this is my first time taking anything for anxiety, I was wondering if anybody has taken this for anxiety? If you have, has it helped? Any experiences with hydroxyzine will be helpful. + +Thank you so much in advance.",Anxiety +34618,"Is it possible to contract a prion disease from eating fish caught from a river? Could I have accidentally ingested some of the brain matter? This was in late March, and the river was the Garonne in southwest France",Anxiety +34619,"don't know if my uti came back so i do not know what to do nor where this should appropriately be asked but i have lurked on this sub for awhile and i too have health anxiety and i am currently freaking out! + +so last wednesday i went to my towns urgent care because i suddenly felt as if i had to pee and nothing was coming out (typical uti symptom) i also had a lot of uncomfortable back pain. i went to urgent care and they tested my urine and it came back positive for a uti but negative for a kidney infection! + +the doctor gave me two prescriptions to help with the pain and discomfort and the overall uti itself. i finished the last dose of my antibiotics this morning and now it feels as though my uti came back! i have the sudden urge to urinate and can't tell if my back hurts or not, i'm stressing out bc idk if this is normal or not and keep assuming the worst. + +if anyone has ever dealt with anything similar i would appreciate some advice/comments on what to do :( ",Anxiety +34620,"Consistent head pressure around sinuses and vision has felt off for about a month. Is this anxiety? So for the past month I've had this strange consistent head pressure on the right side of my head around my sinuses and something about my vision has been off. It's the best way I can describe it. I've had my eyes and vision checked and they said everything looks fine. It's almost like the link between my eyes and my brain isn't quite working right. This also came on pretty suddenly out of nowhere. Other than that I don't have any other symptoms of anxiety to speak off. No panic attacks. I sleep just fine. I've always been a bad hypochondriac but I've never experienced physical symptoms like this so I'm not sure if I can attribute it to anxiety or something else. I've also been to the doctor and had blood work done and everything was fine there as well. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? If so, how did you deal with it?",Anxiety +34621,"My mouth is falling apart again. Not your usual post, but I think I'm in the right sub. + +My teeth had always been bad, but I got a lot of stuff repaired when I had insurance. I have a few teeth missing, some that are root canals with very little tooth above the gumline. + +Depression and rum-coke means that I got a few spots that will need care, and I'm having trouble trying to brush because the toothpaste hurts the cavities. + +Today was a new low. I've broken teeth on potato chips, a stray bit of gravel that got into my spinach... I had a temporary crown that would fall off at the slightest provocation. + +Today I was eating CHEESE and I found something hard in it. Luckily I didn't crunch down, but one of my metal fillings fell out. + +I have been FML over damage in the past, but now I am unusually cross.",Anxiety +34622,"Side effects from taking my adderall in the morning and drinking alcohol in the afternoon around 3pm? ive been on vacation in the bahamas since march 31st til yesterday april 8th. Everyday we were super active always going out on the boat in the sun all day. On April 7th i took 20mg of adderall 3 times that day spread out between 2hrs each dose. So all together that day i had 60mg.and about an hour and a half later of my last dose i drank two rum punches throughout 3 hours time. After that about 2 and a half hours later i had 2 other rum punches again in a spand of 1 and a half hours. I never got drunk just felt pretty tipsy and good. I went to bed around 10:30pm feeling fine, not drunk at all. I woke up around 1230am with heavy vertigo and my stomach started hurting i went back to sleep hoping i would feel better in the morning. Well i woke up around 7am to get ready to leave for our flight and the vertigo was back and the stomach pain. I only puked twice i felt better after i got home in florida around 4pm i was 80% back to normal. I went to bed around 10pm last night and woke up today around 8am i feel like im in a daze like sleepy but i feel very out of it i feel depressed and have loads of anxiety (which i already have normally) i dont know whats wrong with me im freaking out, im scared this has permanently damaged my brain and in going to feel like this forever. Is it because im off vacation? Or because a counteractment with my adderall and alcohol? Someone please ease my mind i hate feeling this way. And any pointers on how to get myself back to normal :( + + +",Anxiety +34623,"Just listens to an old interview with Aubrey Plaza. She talked about how she had a stroke at age 20 Like most of you, my constant fear has been health related more so the fear of having a stroke. She described what happened during the stroke and it is absolutely terrifying. She said hat she was feeling fine and then all of a sudden the right side of her body was paralyzed. She couldn’t even speak or make out any words. + +After listening to that, I started freaking out immediately. I’ve always been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks and now this story reignited those fears. Purely because it could happen to someone so young with no health problems. ",Anxiety +34624,"Fear of Cancer Hello, +My friend 5 years ago was diagnosed with a big tumor in his head, which turned out not be a cancer. He figured out by accident, had no headaches and no symptoms like that. +They removed it, but he went through a lot of stress and is still taking injections everyday. + After this, me as a person suffering from anxiety, got to live with this fear, that there might be something in me, that i might not be aware of. And even when i have a headache or something like that, fear kicks in. +No one in my relatives had cancer and i know that this already decreases the chances, but still, i do a overal blood test, once in three months. +I dont know how to deal with it. +I even think to do a whole body MRI. ",Anxiety +34625,"Heart Disease, depression, anxiety, and stress This semester I am taking Abnormal Psychology. One of the chapters I had the misfortune of reading was on the physical health effects of negative emotions, something I am chocked full of. Whether its stress, anxiety, depression, anger/frustration, I show it. My mood bounces around a lot. + +Even at my young age of 23 I am starting to worry about developing heart disease, something my neurotic nature seems to be a predictor of. Most of my life I've eaten a poor diet (although my cholesterol was only 150, with my LDL at 88 and my HDL at 30. No idea about cortisol, CRP, or interlukins though). + +I have also been pretty sedentary (though that is very slowly starting to change) since I turned 18 and have had a slew of medical problems since then. My gums have receded more (I fought off gingivitis but am on the cusp of developing gum disease from gum recession). I used to get very angry at video games, I developed tinnitus a year ago which drives me crazy, and I'm depressed and socially isolated. + +I have no know history of heart disease, but of depression and low serotonin. Thus I am stuck in a dilemma. I also started taking amphetamine mediation for ADHD in January, so my heart rate tends to be higher on average but I eat less and have lost weight. In some cases, my blood pressure is normal on stimulants even when it feels elevated. I'm paranoid about my health, a bit of hypochondriac. I vape, don't drink anymore, and and am an on and off smoker. + +All of these things and more point to heart disease. I cannot just relax however, and I refuse to take antidepressants. I detest those medications and will take any medicine for depression that is not an antidepressant or antipsychotic. Even at the cost of my life from getting heart disease, I will risk low mood, higher inflammation, and more clotting and an early death than take those. + +I have often been pointed to exercise as the key, which I will do in the form of jogging. I will not do yoga, even if its ""relaxing"" because I think its a stupid form of a exercise. I want a form of exercise where I can feel angry and aggressive. Maybe that defeats the point but at least its something. + +I need some answers within my confines. Diet changes are hard because I'm a picky eater and will throw up if something doesn't taste good. Regular, good sleep is also out of the question because, for some reason, I rarely sleep more than 4-5 hours consecutively. Exercise is pretty easy, I'm just a bit lazy. + +I'm open to ideas but antidepressants are absolutely out of the questions. ",Anxiety +34626,"Terrified of a brain bleed... This sounds so ridiculous but I dropped my phone on my head yesterday from about an arms length. The corner of it just happened to hit me on the perfect spot right above my temple. It hurt pretty bad for a few seconds, but then I didn't have much pain. I've stupidly been googling like crazy and keep reading about hits where people seem fine and then just die from a subdural hematoma and that they can take days to weeks to cause problems. + +Ughhhh I also take a daily baby aspirin for a blood clotting disorder and people on blood thinners have a higher chance of a bleed. + +I feel ridiculous, I haven't have a trigger like this in a really long time!! Today I am having a mild headache and pressure in the base of my head. I'm terrified but I feel like going to the er would be overreacting to a bump from my stupid phone. + +I've been trying to keep myself from reaching out for reassurance but I can't help it today! I know you guys understand. ",Anxiety +34627,"Started with Ectopic beats; now I feel like I’m having heart attacks! In January, I had started having “funny” heart beats. The. One day I was sitting in class and a felt warm all over and then my heart started to race and then I broke out in a cold sweat. I went to the ER and got a ekg(normal), heart attack blood marker test(normal), and a chest xray(normal). While I was there I found out the “funny” heartbeats were ectopic beats. + +My primary care sent me for hotter monitor(confirmed benign ectopic beats), stress test(normal), and echocardiogram(normal). This still wasn’t good enough for me so I asked to have a CT angiogram to make sure I had no blockages. This came back clear. + +I had a couple good weeks and was getting good at ignoring my “funny” heart beats and then just days ago I started to focus on odd feelings in my left chest almost under my armpit. No sweat, shortness of breath or any other symptoms. So I went to the Emergency room and of course everything normal. + +No matter how many times I tell my self to calm down everything is alright. It just does not work and I just focus more and more. It’s really getting to me 😩",Anxiety +34628,"Anxiety, panic and my heart I don’t really get it, I mean I do but, I don’t at the same time. Like today, I just had a really bad panic attack all because I went for a walk. I’m 26 and quit smoking about a month ago now. I know nothing is wrong with me, except that I used to smoke and am struggling with things like shortness of breath etc. but, every time I get my heart rate up even a little or feel short of breath my anxiety kicks in then quickly turns into a panic attack. I get ALL the usual symptoms, tight chest/chest pain, light headed, fast heart rate, and those agitating urges to hit the toilet among other things. + +I’m afraid of having a heart attack and constantly monitor my heart. It’s debilitating because I don’t want to go for once enjoyed walks, a run or even work...nothing that would increase my heart rate even a little. I really do hate it and I just want to get over it but, the slightest internal change just sets off my panic. + +I’ve been to several doctors, though not since I stopped smoking, and everything has always come out fine. No heart problems on ekgs, ultra sounds or X-rays etc. No major problems in the slightest. + +My mom thinks I’m insane. She used to have panic from excessive worrying but, never health related anxiety. She’ll confront me about it sometimes and I think it’s just so she can tell me how crazy I am anymore. As soon as I try to explain my fear she rolls her eyes, waves her hand and walks off with some ridiculous verbal response. I wonder how she’d feel if people did that to her years ago with her excessive worrying. I’ve told her to stop talking to me about it if she’s going to be that way but, it hasn’t deterred her. + +She tells me she’s been right where I am but, got over it and treats me like an inferior because the magic trick she used doesn’t just work for me like it did her. I call it magic because it was like she was all better over night. ",Anxiety +34629,"Anxiety/Antsy 2 weeks Post-Op Septoplasty/Turbinate Reduction - Need Support Hi all! + +First time poser here. I am a healthy 28 y/o Male who recently just had a Septoplasty/Turbinate reduction 15 days ago. I am a very active guy and usually very ""chill"" and outgoing. + +For those of you who don't know what that is, it's for a deviated septum and you have splints up your nose for a week with a ton of congestion and basically can't do anything while recovering but sit at home (I live by myself with family close by). + +Due to the surgery, I was instructed to not be super active for 2-3 weeks (I am a runner and take boxing classes). So far my nose and breathing feels fine and is healing normally, but the past few days I have been experiencing super anxiety/restlessness/antsy behavior that I have never experienced before in my life. Let me explain a bit. + +8 days ago I got the ""splints"" removed from my nose and had a minor complication the day after where my nose bled for 5-6 hours and I went to the ER and they packed it with the most painful ""rhino rocket"" thing up my nose that was the most pain I have experienced in my life. I immediately saw my ENT 6 hours later and she took it out and was pissed they didn't contact her (it was 3am). She said everything looks fine and is healing correctly and gave me the number to call if anything like that happens so she can be contacted. + +I got relief that day and was able to take a nap/sleep but the next day I got a migraine I tried to wait out that kept me up all night but ended up taking my imitrex to relieve it. A few days later I got oral thrush (didn't know until the end of the day on Sunday when my Uncle told me what it was an not super serious) with a swollen uvula where I felt as if there was ""something stuck in my throat"" and driving me crazy. + +On Sunday I think everything just hit me at once: not being able to workout, being cooped up in my house, the whole trauma of the bloody nose incident, the swollen uvula driving me nuts and not healing as fast as I wanted to, living alone with my dog, etc. I started pacing and my mind was racing to the point where I was like do I need to go to the ER for anxiety or do I need to call my doctor? I have no history of anxiety/depression and have never felt this way before. I am not even close to suicidal thoughts or any self-harm. + +I was able to sit with my Dad and talk for a few hours while watching the Red Sox then have Sunday dinner at my grandma's with my whole family and that helped a lot and by the end of Sunday/Monday I was feeling better (though the oral thrush is still annoying). + +Today I had some restlessness/anxiety at work that started resurfacing again like on Sunday but talked to a co-worker who used to struggle big time with it for a bit. + +Is this normal after surgery? Any thoughts/recommendations/words of encouragement?",Anxiety +34630,"Brain / Neuro issues? Hi all, + +Like a lot of people with h.a., my biggest fear is having a brain tumor. + +So, I've had some weird vision things for the past year and I've been to an opthalmologist twice (because the first time wasn't enough apparently). I sometimes see glittery floaters or what appears to be a quick line through my vision. Also, I sometimes have funky peripheral sparkles. My opthalmologist performed intensive tests and said my eyes look extremely healthy. + +I think I'm ""seeing"" these things because of my anxiety and stress of my life as a college student. It's just very concerning it doesn't seem to go away... But the doc probably knows best. + +Also commonly, headaches are pretty common... + +Finally, maybe once a year I'll have an ocular migraine where I get some weird vision tricks and my lips and fingers seem numb. Although these are probably nothing major I've been wanting to get an MRI just to be sure. + +Mother thinks most of this is caused by me over committing to activities and my academic stress in college but some of these symptoms seem so real it's hard to not think it's a neuroloical issue. Ive been told to try deep breathing and exercise. Have of you experienced these things? + +Thank you everybody... :/ ",Anxiety +34631,"Afraid of Rat Biter Fever I have really terrible anxiety, panic disorder, and crippling health anxiety. + + + + +I got 2 pet rats from a breeder and they are babies so they are scared. They pooped on me and I used a tissue to remove one of the poos from the towel they were on in my lap. But later I was scratching my nose with the same tissue because I didn't realize that was the one I had used and now I'm worried that some germs passed through the mucus membranes or something. + + + +My pets usually help me with my anxiety, not make it :( I can't focus and I am convincing myself I have all these symptoms that aren't really there",Anxiety +34632,Stomach churning and body twitching This normally doesn't happen to me but if I'm in a class like trig about halfway through my legs start to shake and my stomach starts to churn and it makes me feel like if I don't stand up and do something I'll throw up I know I won't actually vomit so I never do get up but I have to go about 20 minutes of just shaking and feeling like puking. I would try looking it up but I feel like the symptoms are rather specific so if anyone has felt this or knows what's happening then it would help alot.,Anxiety +34633,"Having a hard time differentiating anxiety and real symptoms. First time poster here. I’m having a really hard time I have a sinus infection and unfortunately saw an article that just made me very anxious and here I am freaking out. I’m having a hard time breathing, have a huge headache on the back of my head and my throat feels full and funny how can I tell the difference between a real symptom or anxiety. This is so hard to deal with.",Anxiety +34634,"Toenail is partly black, don’t know what caused it https://imgur.com/a/RgrkQ + +I don’t really know what caused it, am I going to be ok? Is this severe?",Anxiety +34635,"I think I'm losing my mind Hello guys, long time lurker here. I've seen earlier a post about colon cancer anxiety so I decided to blow off some steam by telling my story. + +It all started last summer, when I had a weird pain in my left abdominal area. Went to my GP, said it was nothing but that I should have a blood test (I was 20 at the time). I found out I had an important Calcium deficiency and after I took some supplements the pain disappeared. + +Fast forward to last week: that pain came back, exactly in the same spot. Now I'm going once or sometimes even twice a day, compared to my usual routine of once in two days. The pain fades away after bowel movements and that put me at ease for a couple of days, but today I saw in a stool some dark-brownish spots which I believed to be blood. + +This has gone too far. I have no idea what I should do, but I want to get out from this dumb situation. I don't enjoy life the way I used to because of some stupid thoughts.",Anxiety +34636,"Im pale and white but I eat healthy Im 15 and recently started eating healthy. Im a little underweight and im 5 '9. (Underweight is in my family's genes) I look sick all the time I usually get 8-12 hours of sleep and eat healthy fruits and vegetables and granola. Im not sure what the issue is. I would appreciate some advice. + +EDIT: In the summer im usually outside, I dont tan I get blistering sun burns.",Anxiety +34637,"Persistent back pain out of the blue... For the past week or so I’ve been having pain in the middle of my back, like a dull ache nothing sharp. I’m 20 years old and I don’t exercise or do any strenous activity so I’m not sure how I could have pulled anything, I’ve been up all night falling into a rabbit hole of googling and of course spinal tumors and cancer just had to come up as possibilities...I guess my question is should I see a doctor?? My right arm has also been feeling slightly weak lately as well, not painful but kind of achey I guess, so yet another google search brought me to a herniated disc...I’m having anxiety only bc it just came on randomly and I’ve been resting and waiting for it to go away and it isn’t 😖 I know I should probably see a doctor but is this urgent in any way??",Anxiety +34638,"Somatic Symptom Disorder Was just diagnosed with this regarding my established Crohn’s Disease. Any else have a similar diagnosis? What are your experiences? + +My anxiety surrounding this rules every last thing I do. I’m exhausted. ",Anxiety +34639,"Terrified of colon cancer Hi everyone, + +I'm in full blown panic attack right now and I can't function properly because of it. I've practically convinced myself I have colon cancer. My symptoms are: + +- blood while defacating (especially while constipated, but when I'm not I sometimes feel my anus hurt and see the blood on the paper then) +- diarrhea, constipation +- pain on the right side of abdomen for over a year now, it comes and goes, now it's mostly in my upper back +- extreme fatigue +- I've had black stool once, but it was after drinking red wine so I thought then that's the cause + +I'm also scared the cancer is already in my bones/spine, as my back often hurts and I can feel some kind of ""dent"" in my spine. + +I'm also diagnosed with severe anxiety (duh), so sometimes it's hard to tell which symptoms are real :( For example my fiancee tells this ""dent"" in my spine it's just my muscles contracting because of my anxiety. The same can be said about diarrhea, fatigue... But then again, how do I know when it's anxiety and when it's real? + +I know I should just wait for the colonoscopy in 4 weeks, but I can't function properly right now. I've made mistake and visited a forum for colon cancer survivors and not only they all have symptoms similar to mine, but lot of them were very young, like me. + +My doctor told me it's probably IBS and hemorrhoids, but my mom had colon cancer at 50 and I've read it's getting more and more common in young people and here I am, crying myself to sleep every night, because I'm convinced I'm dying. What should I do?",Anxiety +34640,"How to escape an HA hole when the symptoms persist? I’ve been sick for awhile with a diagnosed but generally not serious sinus infection, but lately I’ve been noticing some other things (which I won’t mention so you don’t fall down the same hole Im in) and those things of course led me to the worst possible idea: Googling my symptoms. I came across something rare, sporadic, and deadly (of course) and I’m now constantly worried that it’s something that could be far more serious. Even though I went to my general practitioner for the sinus infection today and mentioned the other strange symptom, I didn’t mention the name of the specific thing I think I could have because it felt ridiculous and the symptoms were subsiding. He felt the area and chalked it up to side effects of the sinus infection, but of course since he didn’t SPECIFICALLY say “it’s not ____” and the symptoms have come back, i’m now back to spiraling between “you’re just making it worse” and “maybe I should make sure just to be safe.” Any advice to get my mind off of the possibility when I still feel like I’m feeling the symptoms? + +I have this huge urge to go back to a doctor and get specific reassurance, but I know that’s problematic in the long run and could end up getting expensive for no real reason. Not to mention I’d feel a bit ridiculous. Really starting to think I should see a psych, as I haven’t since my anxiety began as a more generalized disorder a little over a year ago :/",Anxiety +34641,"Excessive neem oil Today my skin was in flaming. I was getting frustrated and angry so I used heaps of moisturizer then neem oil. + +While applying my skin was feeling iffy and I noticed my heart racing. I wasn't sure if this was because I was getting anxious or not so I stopped and went online and looks up the dangers of neem oil. + +I only used it externally but I used quite a lot. + +Was I getting poisoned? + +Should I be taking precautions, I'm unsure. I took a quick shower to try to rinse off the excess. + +Sorry if I'm just wasting time. ",Anxiety +34642,"RED VEIN ABOVE TONSIL hi everyone, is it “normal” to have a red vein above one of your tonsils but not the other? + +23, non smoker or drinker + + +https://imgur.com/gallery/IyDGJ + +All input helps ",Anxiety +34643,"Worried about getting sick from tattoo ink A couple of years ago I got a big tattoo on my back that's mostly black ink with some red parts. I've since developed severe health anxiety and I'm currently worrying about the toxicity of the ink, specifically the red ink which my tattoo artist said contains cadmium, a known carcinogen. I've read some sensationalist articles that made me really worried, but I've also read more legitimate sources say that there are no reputable studies that link tattoos with long term health issues. I guess I'm just freaking out about the cadmium. + +I mostly just need advice on learning to cope with this anxiety. Thank you.",Anxiety +34644,"Balamuthia I have severe health anxiety. I go to therapy for it and had it well under control. However, in January, my ex husband passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. We have a daughter together. Since then, this shit has been out of control. I can't leave her parentless. I can't. + +In my depression and mourning since her dad died, we have been pretty inactive. I'm not a gardener. I don't plant things. I take care of my house plants and that's it. On a whim, I bought some flowers at Wal-Mart. I thought it would be nice for us to plant them together. I wanted get back into being a normal mom, a good mom. + +So, we're outside planting these beautiful flowers. I'm a hypo already and I couldn't stop thinking about damn N. Fowleri, of all things. I know I can't get it from dirt, but we were breathing in so much of it! I didn't know to wet the ground before digging. We just went after it. I thought breathing through my mouth would keep me safe. Wrong and stupid. By the time we get back inside, my nose is all stuffy and my throat hurts. I assume this is from dirt and allergens. I ignored my compulsion to Google for a little while. Then I got a weird metallic taste in my mouth and that was it. + +I found Balamuthia Mandrillaris. FML. Fast forward two days. My eyes hurt, like they're tired. I had some brief photo sensitivity, but I attributed that to playing Skyrim all day yesterday in an attempt to maintain control over my thoughts. My sinuses are still full, but I'm not congested. I can feel popping and pressure in there, but no snot and I can breathe fine. My irrational brain tells me that this is a direct result of amoeba eating away my soft tissue. It is not possible for this to be run of the mill allergies or a sinus infection. My head doesn't throb or anything. It's a like a sinus headache, but very vague. I can move my neck and all just fine. I don't know if I have a fever. The kid hid the thermometer some where. It's messed up, I felt fine when I woke up this morning. No nasal problems. It wasn't until later on it started up again. Now my face is twitching in weird places. Which I read is also a symptom of the amoeba infection. + +I already know this is rare. I've researched it thoroughly. I'm scheduled to see my doctor tomorrow, but I want to go to the ER. I can't just up and take my kid with me though. I can't let this shit disrupt her life. She's spent many hours with me in the ER already. What am I supposed to do though? I know something isn't right. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my baby alone. The inside of my nose is twitching as I type this. And I don't want to be the one person on this forum that guessed right about some horrible disease. Help me y'all. Please.",Anxiety +34645,finger nails... beaus lines So recently within the past few months i have started to develop horizontal ridges on my finger and toe nails. I googled and discovered they are called beaus lines and they often indicate different diseases. I'm in pretty good health and eat well and exercise often but I'm still concerned as to why i have these horizontal ridges on my nails?? please help if you have any insight,Anxiety +34646,"How To Destroy Fear Before It Destroys You > Fear is the number one inhibitor of taking successful actions; and it is the number one instigator for taking destructive actions. + +I was just listening to [a podcast](http://www.borntoprosper.com/how-to-destroy-fear/?ap_id=amandahayward) by Shane Krider and wanted to share here because I think it's relevant to the sub and listening to the podcasts has helped me start taking control of my thoughts and given me more confidence overall. I'm doing all the basics for my anxiety - eating well, exercising, meditation, medication - but this seems to be the icing on the cake for me! Really enjoying it. + +Also, I just learned about the help button when posting on reddit and I'm loving all the different text formatting I can do! :P",Anxiety +34647,"Constant stitch-like pain For the past week, I'll have this stitch under the right side of my ribcage, but its been going on for a week now so I don't think it's a regular stitch anymore? It doesn't hurt when I'm not moving,like sitting or lying down, but the pain comes back when I start walking like about 10 meters or so. Should I be concerned about this?",Anxiety +34648,"How to find the best Massage therapist? Are you looking for a massage therapist? You can visit [L&G Massage](https://www.lgmassage.ca/) centre to find the best massage therapist. There are different options to find the best massage therapist. You can search the internet to find a suitable massage centre in your area. A few tips are given here that can help you in finding the best massage therapist: + +• You can read online reviews of the people about the different massage centres located in your area. It is better to read the true reviews because some websites post false reviews on the internet just to attract more customers. Therefore, be careful while reading the online reviews. + +• It is important to know the qualification of the massage therapist. A qualified massage therapist can understand your health problems well and can provide you the best massage therapy as per your body needs. + +• A massage therapist should have a valid license to practice massage therapy. Therefore, try to choose a massage therapist who has a valid license. + +• You can ask your friends and family members if they are the regular visitors to a massage centre. They can suggest you the right massage therapist as they can guide you on the basis of their personal experience. + +",Anxiety +34649,"How do I know if it's pneumonia,asthma,or spring allergy? Context:about 5 weeks ago I was spraying an air freshner in my room and ever since, It started feeling harder to breath and have some chest tightness,but no coughing or anything,I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago(3 weeks after the air refresher thing happened) he checked if there's wheezing in my chest but he said it was normal and he also did a pulse oximeter test and it mine is normal as well, he didn't do a chest x-ray. But now 2 weeks later I still have difficulty breathing and I sneeze pretty much every day(no runny or itchy nose) and I still don't cough,so I'm leaning more towards spring allergy or asthma(even though I never had asthma).so not sure what to do and I'm having anxiety attacks because of it.",Anxiety +34650,"How to manage health anxiety when awaiting results. I have had health anxiety most of my adult life, it comes and goes, changes depending on my life stresses and what is happening. + +I went for my annual skin check, and the dermatologist pointed out a mark on my face she wanted biopsied. Apparently the doctor the year before told me to get it biopsied, but I didn't book a follow up appointment. (I call BS, if the previous doctor had told me I needed it checked, I would have been pushing for the next available appointment). +So I had it biopsied yesterday, and the Dr wrote path report BCC? (Basel cell carsinoma). So I have now googled the life out if it and convinced myself it is the worst possible outcome, overanalysed every comment the Drs said during the procedure (it's not coming out easily! Has it infused with my brain?? I left it too long!?? ) + +My skin and moles have never been a trigger for me in the past despite it being a likely genuine health problem for me (fair skin, family history etc). How am I going to get through the next week until I get the results?? Usually I can have small comfort that my fears are somewhat irrational.... ",Anxiety +34651,"Worried after burning non-stick pan? I was heating up a non-stick frying pan earlier and left it on high for about 10 minutes after forgetting about it. It started smoking, I realized what was going on, and I grabbed the pan and ran it under water. I turned on a fan and went about my business for another 10 minutes in the slightly smokey room. + +Suddenly I became anxious and looked up if this could be harmful and found several articles about something called polymer fever? I definitely have a bit of a scratchy throat and feel kind of weird but I don't know if I'm just imagining it.",Anxiety +34652,Little rant Have had a lump in my forearm for years which I’m almost sure is a lipoma and I haven’t even started worrying about it until I googled stuff... of course. I’ve had it for at least half a decade so I don’t know why I can’t shake the idea of sarcoma out of my head. Blah. Just a little rant to get it out somewhere. ,Anxiety +34653,Worrying about lymph nodes I’m 16. I’m roughly 115 pounds and like 5”3. My lymph nodes can be felt easily but they haven’t hurt to where I had to stop and notice. And I haven’t had any other obvious symptoms. Should I just relax?,Anxiety +34654,Worked in an attic with Vermiculite insulation (asbestos). How fucked am I? And now I'm freaking out.,Anxiety +34655,Headache right after urinating Has anybody felt this instant high intensity headache which lasts for a second after urinating with pressure? ,Anxiety +34656,"Good foods to ease back into eating after a few days of diarrhoea and some vomiting. I haven’t eaten in over two days after having bad diarrhoea and some vomiting, everything I eat comes back out. + +I was wondering what good foods are to reconstruct good, healthy eating habits. ",Anxiety +34657,"Crawling skin Feels like somethings is crawling under my skin, does anyone know what I can take to combat this? Thank you ",Anxiety +34658,"16 year old with chest and back pain. I’m 16 years old, for the past 2 days I’ve had mild back pain on the top of my back in the middle and also some chest pain, some shoulder pain here and there also. Should I be worried? Currently having some chest pain. I do vape if that makes a difference. Goes away if I lay on my side or stand on compared to laying on my back. I also do have higher cholesterol than normal. So I don’t really know if this could be health and cholesterol related or just posture related.",Anxiety +34659,"HA strikes again... So... I’m not looking for reassurance or diagnosis or anything really I guess. But I just had to share with some people who might understand. + +I have a long history of health anxiety. Can’t get a cold without convincing myself I might be dieing. Frequent rabies scares. I’ve convinced myself something was seriously wrong a couple times a month for years. I’ve mostly talked myself out of seeing a doctor because I know it’s just anxiety and I don’t want doctors to think I’m crazy or wasting their time. + +A few days ago though... I found a lump under the skin above my right rib cage. So I did the logical thing and poked around for a lump on my left side... I thought maybe I felt a smaller similar lump and talked myself off the ledge. + +But now I can actually see a lump on my right side in the mirror. And when I prod around, it feels like there might be a cluster of small lumps (only one is visible though). + +So... of course I’m worried it might be cancer although Dr. Google tells me there’s all sorts of benign explanations. + +I’m currently talking myself into seeing a doctor for peace of mind. But I hate the doubt telling me this is anxiety and I’ll be wasting the doctor’s time. I’m terrified the doctor will label me with hypochondria. + +I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m just frustrated that I can be terrified of illness and doctors at the same time. + +Anxiety is torture that worms into everything and just makes me feel so confused.",Anxiety +34660,"‘Palpable lymph node’ - I’m terrified... So two and a half weeks ago, I went to the dentist with a tooth that was shaky after a previous filling had fallen out. I’d been feeling a bit weird in my throat, on the same side too. + +She looked it and firstly said, it appears I have gingivitis. + +She had to extract my tooth (surgically, by altering the gums) and said it was infected, so put some medicine in it and temporarily closed it. The next day, I went back and she opened it all up and then sutured my gums back together. + +When she checked my lymph nodes (mainly under my neck), I directed her to the mandibular node, which had been noticeably hard for maybe a week before. She called it a palpable node and said it could be due to the infection and the antibiotics (amoxicillin) she prescribed should take care of the infection. + +Well, almost three weeks later and I’m freaking the f*ck out. My infection appears gone and I’ve had no pain on that side since the extraction. + +My lymph node is still as palpable as before, but what’s worrying me is that it’s painless, whereas when it’s an infection it’s usually quite tender? It’s hard but a bit rubbery and moves around. It could’ve been around a lot longer than just the three weeks it’s been since I need to push it out a little from against my jaw to feel it - but I can REALLY feel it. + +I had a couple of random lumps in my armpit, groin and side as well, and whilst it felt hard, they had sort of pus coming out of the end so I assumed they were harmless as they went down after a couple of days. This was before the dentist. + +I’m scared it’s lymphoma. The reason for this is: + +-Night sweats - I’ve had this on/off for the past few years however. But I’ve noticed it again despite keeping cool. +-Temperature regulation - out of nowhere I’ll get quite warm and then get a bit chilly again. +-The node is pretty much painless but despite the infection going, it’s still the same size and hardness. +-General fatigue (but I have that anyways), recently it’s been muscle aches +-I’m a smoker... and at times in the past year I’ve been very heavy. + +I’m just freaking the fck out. Can anyone let me know if they had anything similar? Or just put my mind at ease? + +I know I should go to the doctors but I’ve just built up such a resistance to it with how much anxiety I’ve had over it. I fear having to face the issue and find out I have something serious. + +I’m booking a GP appointment for a couple of days time. But until then, anyone have a clue what this could be? :/ it’s slowly consuming every second of my life. ",Anxiety +34661,"I convinced myself that I have esophageal cancer. So I am 22 years old without any known digestive issues like GERD or anything. However for a couple of weeks now my stomach hurts like hell everytime I swallow something, like a cramp when the food is passing into it. + +The last few month have probably been the most stressfull of my life so I had a lot of acid reflux issues which in turn can lead to only one logical conclusion that it hurts because my esophageal cancer is blocking most of the pipes and that I am going to die (/s). + +The symptoms have gotten better over the last week now while I had vacation and only swallowing large portions causes the pain or when there is a lot of sauce on it. But that is a state I reached a few weeks back and it eventually retuned. + +Anyone have some input here, because I know how much of a hassle it would be to get my doc to order a gastroscopy. So far he only gave me these acid absorbing pills or something like that but I am not sure that they helped all that much. + +EDIT: Sorry for spelling errors in advance english is sadly not my first language + +",Anxiety +34662,"Scared of HIV, extreme anxiety, dont know what to do Hello folks + +Soo, for a long time I had enlarged lymph node behind my ear. Then I went to the doc. She looked very worried. Sent me to bloodwork for a few tests. Then I became very anxious, like my life will soon end, then I somewhat learned to deal with it, I became less anxious, then more anxious again, as I got sick frequently. Recently not only the lymp node got bigger, I got a few test results from blood work. + +I have not good levels of some stuff but I cant understand it and I dont wanna research, HIV results not here yet. Bad thing is, I am always anxious, feel like my life will really change. I have thoughts of how the area behind my ear will hurt very much and I would need operation. Recently it feels like the area is stiff, like a muscle I can't relax. + +What to do? Tell friends? Try to get engaged and not pay attention to it? Try relaxation? I feel very lonely in this situation.",Anxiety +34663,"are lots of different supplements safe so my flatmate who take like 5 different supplements and I understand cause we live in a flat and have to cook ourselves as students so we don't have time to always have food with loads of nutrients but is this safe. I mean, dont you kinda have to check for eligibility like take a blood test and see what you lack and that sort of stuff or can you just be like ""ooh, i need some of iron, maybe some zinc"" etc. If it really doesnt matter than I have been thinking I should do the same. Right now I just take omega 3 fish oil pills but i definitely am missing other nutrients like vitamin C and iron.",Anxiety +34664,"Would you go to the doctor again? Alright. This is a pretty long story... I haven't had a UTI for about 5 years (I'm a 27 yo F) but about a month ago, I was in China and got one. Went to the doctor to get antibiotics, took them for 5 days. 2 days later, I developed super intense middle super low abdominal pain that almost made me faint - Broke out into a sweat, couldn't stand, ears began ringing. + +Went to hospital where they ran some tests and said the infection was still there, so they gave me another batch of antibiotics. These made me feel super ill every night (btw, at this point, the UTI stinging symptom is long gone) and by the 5th night I felt sick af and was vomiting. + +Went to hospital the day after and I still had the infection. So, 3rd batch of antibiotics. Went to hospital the 3rd night because I was nervous I had a UTI that lasted so long. They told me I still had an infection and that it was severe, So I should stay at hospital. Didn't feel comfortable doing that in a foreign country, so I got on a plane to Melbourne (where I'm from) the next day. + +Dad picked me up and took me to hospital. I did indeed still have an infection so they gave me a new batch and sent me on my way - I was asymptomatic at that point. 3 days later, I have muscle aches in my leg, I start feeling super weak, and my heart rate was really high (180 when I arrived at emergency) shortly after being admitted, I developed diarrhea. Doctor on duty thought I might have an undertreated UTI, so they administered new antibiotic via IV. I was discharged the next morning. + +Considering how long this UTI lasted, I followed up and had a new urine test 8 days later (last Monday) Called my GP's office last Wednesday and the results were normal (yay!) But was feeling worried because since Tuesday, I felt ultra uncomfortable in that region down there. Had an ultrasound on Thursday and went back to the doctor on Friday explaining my concerns. He told me my test results from earlier in the week were completely normal so it was highly unlikely anything was wrong. Gave me some tablets they apparently usually give to ""old ladies"" with bladder issues. + +Started feeling okay Friday night and Saturday. This morning (Sunday) I woke up and started feeling the same horrible, sharp pain that almost caused me to faint in China. It's right below my belly button, but at the pubic bone and it's SUPER fucking sharp and intense ☹ I've taken 6 paracetamol tablets today (spread out) But the pain hasn't completely disappeared. All this shit is making my hypochondriac tendencies go mental. It's almost 2:30am and I'm struggling to sleep because I feel so uncomfortable. I saw the doctor on Friday, I know, but this pain is fucking intense. Am I being paranoid or should I go back to the doctor tomorrow? I feel kinda stupid because he kinda laughed me off on Friday too... but... I'd also rather be safe than sorry. What would you do? 😦",Anxiety +34665,"I might be dying, and my anxiety is going nuts I might have messed up yesterday. I'm an avid codeine user. I don't do hard drugs because I'm too scared of damaging my brain or other organs, but over the years, it has become increasingly difficult to lead a normal life without the help of a substance, considering that I have severe anxiety, depression, depersonalization, derealization and Pure O. So I started to consume codeine once in a few weeks in order to be able to function correctly, since I've tried around 20 antidepressants and SSRIs and nothing worked for me. + +Yesterday, I took another dose. I buy OTC pain relief pills which contain codeine phosphate but they also contain paracetamol (acetaminophen) and aspirin and, in order to stay safe, you need to do a cold water extraction in order to remove the acetaminophen and aspirin from the pills. Opioids are highly soluble in water, so the codeine dissolves and the other ingredients get filtered through a fabric and removed from the water, leaving a crystal-clear substance containing just codeine. However, I was in a hurry yesterday (stupid excuse to overlook my safety, I know) and I didn't wait long enough for the water to reach the right temperature (it needs to be around freezing temperature, but not frozen) and I did the extraction anyway. The water came out very milky and that is a sign that the extraction was not successful. I didn't know the water needs to be COMPLETELY clear and I didn't look it up...I took the substance anyway. + +A few hours later I did some reserch and found out that I might have potentially intested 4 grams of paracetamol and 5 grams or aspirin. 4 grams of paracetamol is a risky amount, because it can cause liver damage. The liver, then, continues to self-destruct over a period of 2 weeks (!!!) without showing any serious physical symptoms so there's no way to know whether I overdosed or not...it ultimately leads to necrosis and then painful, slow death. + +&nbsp; + +I am at a loss and don't know what to do. My health anxiety is sky rocketing right now. I wish I would've been more careful but the deed is done now. Does anyone here have experience with paracetamol poisoning/overdose? I'm going nuts right now...",Anxiety +34666,"Worried about swollen lymph node http://imgur.com/9dUdly7 + +I noticed this lump under my ear a few days ago. It's tender and somewhat hard to touch, and I have a dull ache where it's located. I don't have any symptoms of illness. + +Does it look like a normal swollen lymph node? I've never had one before, so I don't know if I should take off work to see my doctor or not.",Anxiety +34667,"Self-diagnoses, panic attacks, and hope Here's my story. Last summer I convinced myself that I had intestinal parasites and kind of lost it. I finally went to the doctor and it turned out to just be a yeast infection (health anxiety, right?). Well it was a really intense yeast infection. Got it under control after finishing medicine from doctor and then purchasing OTC medicine. + +Then I started noticing that my digestive system was totally out of whack, and was experiencing a constant fatigue and strange stomach aches that would appear out of nowhere in my lower abdomen. The aches would be sharp and burning, I felt like I got a ""hot flash"", and then they would go away after only 1 or 2 minutes and I'd feel fine. + +So I convinced myself I had a stomach ulcer (thanks, WebMD). I conquered my health anxiety once again and returned to the doctor. Up to this point, I've never had any real health issues in my life and pretty much never went to the doctor unless I got sick. (Except that I was diagnosed with high risk HPV, which had recently been clearing up. That's another story). So they do a breath test for H.pylori and take my blood. The blood test shows I have elevated bilirubin and they do an abdominal x-ray and ultrasound. No stomach ulcer. And nothing in the x-ray or ultrasound that indicates something wrong with my organs. + +Around this time I begin having panic attacks because I feel like something is very wrong with me. And then, my skin on my face goes insane. Small red bumps everywhere and flaking off all over and so much redness. I get a prescription cream, and it gets worse. I also get a prescription for a mild anxiety medication. The anxiety medicine makes me feel SO light headed, which triggers more anxiety because I feel light headed when I have a panic attack. + +I started a gluten-free diet because I felt like it matched some of my symptoms. Started taking probiotics every day and my digestive issues have gotten so so much better. I went in for a follow-up blood test that showed my bilirubin levels are now normal. I realized the lightheadedness of my medication was caused by consuming grapefruit. I've finally gotten my skin under control with daily chemical peels and tea tree oil and it's improved a lot, though still nothing like it used to be. + +So I've made a lot of progress. However I still feel very fatigued most days. While gluten-free has definitely helped, and I think I'm getting a better hold on my anxiety, in the back of mind I'm still afraid something is wrong. Can anyone relate? I'm reminding myself that I've made a lot of progress, and I think my initial health scare just triggered this health anxiety that I had never had before. ",Anxiety +34668,"Why can family members/friends never feel the lump, bump etc but you can? I never get this. I’ve had loads of fears of lumps, but no one can ever feel them but me. +But I’m not imagining them. + +I don’t get it. +That ends up stressing me even more because no one can feel it despite it being there, +Does anyone get this?",Anxiety +34669,"Mammogram/ultrasound this week has me freaking out I have these every year and whenever the time comes I always get super scared and imagine getting the worst results. I have fibrocystic breasts so a normal mammogram just doesn't cut it, and I have to get an ultrasound each year. It sends me into such a state of panic and worry, I can't focus on anything else. ",Anxiety +34670,"Tips to cure from erectile dysfunction ""Erectile dysfunction, also known as impotence, is a medical term that describes the inability to achieve and/or maintain a penis adequately erect for sexual intercourse.To cure erectile dysfunction or to cure impotence there are several actions you can take to improve your ability to get and keep erections, +perform in bed, and make your erectile dysfunction either go away or become significantly less severe."" +",Anxiety +34671,"Where can i buy pain pills online Legit and genuine site for prescription medications . +http://247onlinepharmastore.com",Anxiety +34672,"Stomach related cancer Hey guys....I've been having problems with my stomach lately, it started on September. Basically, I had tons of things to do on my uni, got really stressed out and started feeling like my stomach, or better yet the area above it felt heavy. I started running by that time and I ran almost every day until the real winter kicked in (around two month period). I also started eating more healthy and I stopped eating after 7PM for quite some time. While I ran I almost felt as if a weight was in my chest and as if it was jumping while I was running, so I visited my doc. + +In the meantime, I lost quite some weight. I was usually around 100kg (+-5), and last time I tracked my weight I was at 83. + +The doc basically said it's all stress related and she took my blood, urine and stool sample. + +Stool -> negative for H. Pylori +Urine -> everything good, except high amount of proteins in urine (I had wisdom teeth extracted and took antibiotics a week before, so I'm not sure if it's related to that, if anyone has something smart to say regarding this...please do) +Blood -> All good + +She gave me a prescription for Controloc pills (proton pump inhibitor) and told me to take them for two weeks at least. + +Well, newsflah. I'm stupid. First of all, I started taking them and the situation improved. So I stopped taking them after around 5 days, forgot one day and figured oh well, if it doesn't hurt it's fixed. Then, another period of high intensity workload on uni arrived and so did the pain. I started taking them again, but for a week and it improved a little. Later I figured I won't be my own doctor and I stopped taking them, so for a while I felt just a minor annoyance above stomach, but nothing alarming or hurting so I ignored it. + +Now, back to another high intensity period, my stomach is going crazy again, I google, telling myself not to do it, but hey, I said I'm stupid didn't I? + +The moment I read about bla bla cancers of this and that caused by gastritis I totally lost it. + +If I had these symptoms on and off, considering I didn't take my meds as I was supposed to, how bad did I fk up my stomach? Could this half a year have made any permanent damage? I'm terribly afraid of well...pain, doctors, disease and death, nice combo, in fact so nice that it keeps me scared, but not scared enough to face my fear of doctors and operations. + +Yesterday it was hell, I took 2x20mg Acipan (same thing as Controloc basically) and I feel a lot better, but my mind is still in a terrible place. I guess this turned out into a rant, rather than a question, but still... any comments are welcome. + +sidenote: I read that the usual period of taking controloc or similar pills for such symptoms is at least 4 weeks, considering I didn't take even 1/4 of the given time, is it possible it's simply the gastritis coming back every time?",Anxiety +34673,Hantavirus Spooked Me I'm 18 and my dad's place is hopefully on the tail end of a mouse problem. The problem is that his clean up procedure involves just vinyl gloves and bleachwipes. Now the mice live where I sleep and hang out so I can't avoid their leftovers. I Now fear that every ache on my body or any feeling in my chest is an sign that the mice are having their last laugh. On the Brightside my state has had only 3 cases ever and I live in the city so I'd expect mice to be altleast a tad more clean than than the ones in the country.,Anxiety +34674,Foot feels weird??? I got a leg cramp in my calf yesterday morning and it was super weird but my calf is sore now. Yesterday it fine and my foot felt fine but now my left foot feels like it could be getting the smallest of pins and needles. Like idk if they're really there but I feel like they come and go. I'm a healthy 20 year old and I exercise everyday. I google stuff but there is nothing about a foot feeling weird after a leg cramp. (My calf is still a little sore). I'm afraid I have a blood clot? How could I even though I'm normal weight and height and eat all the right things and exercise a lot?,Anxiety +34675,"Helpful starter links for dealing with Health Anxiety **EDIT: I have found all the modules, a long with the parent link. I have now included all of them for you :)** + +I, like many of you, have been dealing with debilitating health anxiety - specifically, concerning me focusing on my stomach, kidneys and waste (literally examining every urine and bowel movement). I have been to the doctor 3 times already, have done 2x blood tests and a stool test, and everything came back okay, yet I am still unconvinced, a feeling I'm sure many of you can relate to. + +&nbsp; + +So tonight (since it's a Sunday and I can't call my doctor yet again :p), I decided to look for some self help. Through a google search I came across these .pdfs that have already brought some comfort to me, in the short few minutes I've been working with them. Apparently, there are 9 modules, but I have only been able to locate modules 1-3, 6, and 8-9 (missing 4, 5, and 7). I am going to keep searching for the rest of them, in an attempt to maximize the effectiveness, but for now, I'd figure I'd share these with you, friends. Hopefully they help to bring some comfort to you. + +&nbsp; + +**Module 1:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Health%20Anxiety%20Module%201.pdf + +**Module 2:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Health%20Anxiety%20Module%202.pdf + +**Module 3:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Health%20Anxiety%20Module%203.pdf + +**Module 4:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/ACF6425.pdf + +**Module 5:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/ACF88A2.pdf + +**Module 6:** http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Health%20Anxiety%20Module%206.pdf + +**Module 7:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/ACF6428.pdf + +**Module 8:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Health%20Anxiety%20Module%208.pdf + +**Module 9:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Health%20Anxiety%20Module%209.pdf + +&nbsp; + +**PARENT LINK:** +http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53 + + +&nbsp; + +Good luck, friends. Hopefully these help. If you happen to come across the missing modules, post them and I will add them to OP. + +We will get through this +",Anxiety +34676,"Have been getting sick fairly often This year I've been getting sick a lot. Back in October, I believe I had a flu. 102 fever for 5 days straight, respiratory symptoms, etc. but I never got swabbed. Then, in December I had a cold. I caught another cold again in January, and then Influenza A in February. Now just a week ago I caught another respiratory virus. It wasn't another flu because I got tested and the swab was negative, but it also seemed much worse than a cold (I had fevers up to 102). A week fever free but I'm still very congested. In between all of this I've had random sore throats as well. I'm worried something more is happening, whether it's some sort of auto immune problem or something else possibly worse. I'm getting a metabolic panel tomorrow, so hopefully that'll answer some of my concerns. I'm hoping it's just a vitamin deficiency, but of course my mind goes straight to something serious like cancer or something like that. This is also fairly recent of a problem. I've always had a lower immune system but I've never been this constantly sick. ",Anxiety +34677,"TNF-Alpha levels increased - PANIC! Hey people, + +Uh I'm sweating from panic. + +I've been experiencing worrisome symptoms in the past 2 months, but I was trying to attribute them to weed withdrawal. + +I just got an email with my TNF-Alpha levels being elevated - and I'm extremely concerned. + +[**8,6** | ↑ 0,0-8,1 ng/l] +Am I correct by assuming that this can't be due to weed withdrawal, and is associated with cancer only? + +Will go to the doctors tomorrow obviosuly, but I really want to know. + +Anyway thanks in advance.",Anxiety +34678,"Heart rate 90+ while sleeping after flu shot I got the flu shot for the first time this morning, and when I went to bed at 9:30pm my heart rate suddenly hit about 90 (I have a Fitbit) and I could feel it pounding in my chest. It’s now 2am and my heart rate hasn’t dipped below 85 all night when it usually gets as low as 57 when I sleep. + +Anyone else had this happen with the flu shot before? Think I will go to the doc in the morning... + +ETA: realised I might have a fever, and took some aspirin. ",Anxiety +34679,"Mucus in Stool (Incredibly Embarrassing) How much is excess mucus? When I wipe, sometimes there's a little blood mixed in with it. +Searched up, and apparently it's normal for mucus, but if there's more than normal, I should monitor it. How much is extra, though?",Anxiety +34680,"Losing appetite Hi guys, not sure if this is the right category to post in but hoping I can get some tips here in regards to increasing my appetite. These past few months I've been experiencing a lot of stress from work and study and I have lost my appetite to eat. Everytime I eat I feel like throwing up. Any suggestion on how to combat this? Thanks ",Anxiety +34681,"Can anyone find out what precisely is low blood pressure? Websites only say below 90, but not in what situation. Websites I've found usually say below 90. But they never say in what situation. Is this resting blood pressure ( laying supine for 20 minutes), or standing or moving upright? Because if it's resting my blood pressure doesn't seem to be below 90, but if it's moving about it does go below 90 (systolic). To be clear I'm a very unfit person, though I'm relatively slim. I do have ""symptoms of low blood pressure "", which is why I ask. I know low blood pressure isn't considered a problem if you have no symptoms. +If it matters, I'm female, 38, and 125 pounds. Thanks!",Anxiety +34682,"Is face burning sensations something that can be attributed to anxiety? My life has been a big mess since August. A dizziness episode triggered my health anxiety. I suspected MS - did an MRI, an SSEP - they found nothing. Then, I moved onto ALS. Nothing again. Several neurologists said I had nothing but anxiety, and still I kept thinking the opposite. + +In January I woke up with my right side tingling/pins and needles, followed by a toothache. Of course, I googled these symptoms and found Trigeminal Neuralgia - a condition that checks all the boxes of a hypochondriac nightmare. + +I had a cavity, did a root canal, the toothache disappeared. But the tingling is still here and around my eye I have been dealing with burning sensations - eyelid, eyelashes, inside the eye. It's not unbearable and maddening like those who have trigeminal neuralgia say it is, but it's really uncomfortable. + +I've seen two major neurosurgeons about this, they said I didn't have trigeminal neuralgia. I don't know, I can't find peace, I'm always startled, nervous and expecting to be hit by a major wave of unbearable pain. + +I really don't know anything anymore. Don't know if is my HA causing this, or if in fact I have this condition but doctors are simply being dismissive. One thing that makes me believe that my anxiety is the root is that the burning gets tuned down/disappears when I'm distracted. But it hits me again when I'm alone at home working, for instance. + +Oh well, long post already. Anyone with similar experiences? Thank you",Anxiety +34683,"Gave wife oral So i have always been hesitant to do any unprotected sex because i am terrified of stds. But yesterday night i licked my wifes vagina for maybe 5 minutes without a barrier. We have never gotten tested for stds although my wife has had gyno examinations and pap smears and nothing has come up. Also i havent noticed any warts or anythimg on her. +I knowbit sounds silly, but what is the chance that i could get chlamydia / gonorrhea? Is it possible that she carried those diseases for 3 years since we met and i havent noticed?? Is it even reasonable to think that tou could catch those from the activity described?? Note that i do suffer heavily from health anxiety. +Thanks to whoever replies seriouslyand sry for typos im om my phone",Anxiety +34684,"uncertainty and evaluating risk interesting editorial on health, risks, diagnoses, etc. + +https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/17/upshot/were-bad-at-evaluating-risk-how-doctors-can-help.html + +",Anxiety +34685,"Very scared about having an appointment scheduled at a cancer center. So April 18th I went to a free clinic because I can’t afford healthcare, I had acid reflux. But the doctor ordered my feces to be examined for ulcers, that checked out fine, they also drew blood to see if I was ok. They scheduled a return appointment to see how my acid reflux was doing. The next day in a voicemail they left a message saying it was very important of me to keep my appointment bc my thyroid levels were low. I kept it. Returned for the appointment which was about 2-3 weekend later. We talked about my acid reflux for like a minute and then everything shifted to my thyroid. She said I have Hyperthyroidism and she wanted my neck to be scanned to see what kinda of treatment I needed which could be a pill taken for 1-3 years, surgery or radiation. The radiation part alarmed me so I asked immediately if it was cancer, smiling she said no. I went home looked up the symptoms of hyperthyroidism but only 1 or 2 seem to match. A week later I called back bc I never got a call to schedule my appointment they said I would be called Monday, again no call, Wednesday I get a call and I was scheduled for the appointment which is a 2 day process for some reason. Monday at 9:00, later at 2:00 then Tuesday at 9:00 again. It’s also in a cancer center which worries me so much and I can’t stop thinking about it. Should i relax? Does anyone see anything positive in this? ",Anxiety +34686,"Please give me some advice This all started about two months ago, I went about 4 days without eating to help me lose weight. That Thursday I decided to start eating again, so me and the family went to eat Mexican. I ate a small plate of fajitas (not spicy). On the way home I felt my heart rate go WAY up and started pounding really hard. Then I started to feel like my chest was tight and I couldn’t breathe properly and my hands and face began to get pins and needles. The pins and needles spread all over my body and I got this enormous pressure in my lower diaphragm. All of my joints locked up and I couldn’t move. I could speak but it was slurred. They took me to the ER and after taking several tests including a EKG a CT scan of my brain and a battery of blood tests, they concluded it was a low potassium level in my body, which triggered a panic attack. Ok. So the next Tuesday I went to my primary care doctor for a follow up to check my potassium level, and on the way I began to get that tingling and pressure in my chest again, I pulled over, got something to drink, and made it to the doctors office. Potassium came back fine. The feeling didn’t go away. All the rest of that day I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The next day I went to a minor emergency center and after even more tests on my heart lungs and veins, they concluded that I was fine and it was probably just anxiety. 3 days later. Went to the ER because the feeling still hasn’t gone away and it is getting hard to live my life. Same thing, a bunch of tests and concluded nothing. Doctor said it might be a ulcer in my stomach and put me on medication. One week later and it only got worse. I went back to the ER and they took even more extensive tests and still found nothing. I was desperate to feel better, it had been two weeks of constant suffering. I went back to my primary doctor and he ordered more tests and a copy of the results from the ER. He found what appeared to be a “hiatus hernia” in my stomach and gave me a acid reducer. It has gotten better but still hasn’t gone away. It has been almost two months since that Tuesday and I haven’t gotten even one minute of relief. My heart pounds constantly, my stomach bloats, I’m always cold, I have pain in my chest, I can’t take a deep breath, and I’m always tired. I feel like if someone can’t help me I’m going to die. I don’t know if this was the right sub to post this on but nobody else will really listen to me. I have had worry’s like I’m having a heart attack. A few days ago I was helping my dad move a water tank. I got a scratch on my arm somehow. Afterwards something flew by my arm. Probably a large insect like a dragonfly, but my mind immediately thought it was a rabid bat and it had just flew by and scratched me. A few days later I lay down to go to bed and I start feeling cold, my heart starts pounding, and I get scared and start googling. I had read a story about rabies on Reddit a while back that scared the shit out of me. I began reading the symptoms and convinced myself that I have only days to live. I don’t believe rationally that I have rabies. My state has not had a human case in the last 30 years. But I’m so damn scared and there is nothing I can do about it. Any advice to make me feel better? I feel like I have fever but I have no temperature, and I feel a pressure in my face. I haven’t slept in 2 days",Anxiety +34687,"Pain in left thigh/leg and muscle spasms, freaked out about DVT again I've been afraid of DVT since early March because I have had various weird spasms and pain in my left leg. It happened twice that I woke up with immense pain and cramping in that leg. This happened to me when I was a kid sometimes, but I don't remember if it was just in one leg then. + + + +I've had two doctors tell me that my pain and symptoms don't match those of DVT and that I need to stop Googling, so I'm laying off the Google now... + + +The pain was mostly gone the last two weeks but right now I have a lot of cramp and a burning sensation in that same leg again and it seriously makes me anxious. + + + +I also have another issue. I got meds for my anxiety: gabapentin and lexapro, but I am afraid to take them because of the possible side effects. I have been taking gabapentin but it only helps for a few hours. Lexapro seems more dangerous and I don't know if I'll just worry myself by thinking about the symptoms. + + +Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. ",Anxiety +34688,"Top Health and Wellness Blog Welcome to PsySpeaks, the sphere of influence that explores the aesthetic chapters of our lives. PsySpeaks is a place where you get more insights on some of the most common aspects in your life. Come, rediscover yourself by understanding the true purpose of life – living it to the fullest. +http://www.psyspeaks.com/",Anxiety +34689,"Your honest opinions, please! Ok, so I have struggled with hypochondria for going on three years now. + +Last night, my girlfriend was puppy sitting for a coworker, and I stopped by to bring dinner and hang out with the cute puppy, for a while. + +As puppies do, he was a little bit of a biter, and at one point he got in a little deep just above my elbow on my bicep. I pulled my arm away but it dragged a little bit and drew a little blood, so i assumed it punctured the skin. + +He's only a few months old, and apparently he went to the veterinarian four days ago. I haven't confirmed that he got a rabies vaccination there. I think he would have, but I don't remember what all my dog got when i took him home two years ago. This puppy who bit me came from a shelter. + +So, please tell me honestly: should I be worried about rabies? Should I go to the doctor just in case? I could use a level head's perspective on this.",Anxiety +34690,"Terrified I have myocarditis and will suddenly die soon I've been suffering cold-like viral symptoms for the last 10 days, and I'm terrified the virus will attack my heart in a condition known as myocarditis. It began as a sore throat and a constant need to clear my throat, but has now progressed to a hacking, productive cough. I have also had some chest pain today, although admittedly it feels muscular. + +Roughly 4 days into my symptoms (6 days ago now) I went to ER and they performed ECG and took blood. Cardiac troponins were not elevated and ECG was normal. However, I can't get my mind off the idea that because my viral symptoms have worsened, the virus is attacking my heart and I now have myocarditis. + +Is it worth going to ER again for an ECG and cardiac troponins to put my mind at ease? I've been reading reports over at the myocarditis foundation website and what strikes me as particularly terrifying about this disease is its tendency to randomly cause sudden death without prior warning. + +I mean, as a health anxiety sufferer whose condition arises from a fear of death, this is the worst illness I ever could've learned about. ",Anxiety +34691,"My mind is tricking me into feeling like I need to urinate A couple of years ago, I went on a vacation with my family. I had bladder issues at the time, so I spent 1/2 the trip worrying that I would constantly feel like I need to go to the toilet and that it would ruin the trip for me. Ever since then, every time I go to see a movie I'm anticipating (I love and am very passionate about movies) I will fear that my mind will trick me into feeling like I need to go to the toilet, and this fear will cause my mind to trick me into feeling like I need to go, and it will ruin the experience for me. + +I'm currently scared this will happen to me with the new Avengers, and I'm already constantly thinking about and feeling like I need to go to the toilet. I've seen several doctors, and we've all concluded that it is a mental thing, but I don't know how to solve it. I'm constantly thinkin about the toilet and feeling like I need to go. Does anyone have any advice on how I can fix this? Thanks.",Anxiety +34692,"Just took 500 mg ciprofloxacin. Is one enough to to destory me I have anxiety feeling like I'm high, shaking. Had weird sensation behind ears. Random tiny cracks but not sure if that's normal for me or not. + +I regret it. After being someone who always looks up things heavily before doing I took this one thing cause I was desperate/scared and said F it.",Anxiety +34693,"pregnancy scare [help] Okay so I was having sex with my girlfriend, I came and pulled out about 5 seconds later and my condom was half way up my penis. I came in it but I am still worried about getting my gf preggers because of all juices on the unprotected part that came out the side. (She’s on the pill also) am I good?! + +(I now realize the condom was a tad small for me.)",Anxiety +34694,"Fear over HPV. Just found out my girlfriend of four years had pre\-cancer cells scraped from her cervix back in 2006. This is almost always caused by HPV. I've also learned that HPV doesn't necessarily completely go away, so now there's a good chance she's passed it on to me. This means I'm not at a higher risk for penile and head/neck cancer. + +I really hate life sometimes.",Anxiety +34695,"What’s our fear about? Have you ever thought what is really behind our health anxiety? What would be the worst case scenario every time a new symptom starts? +Have you ever asked yourself... what if I die? + +I believe that my HA is just my way of escaping, in some way, I might be enjoying this exercise of being told “all is ok, be free” +",Anxiety +34696,"magic mushrooms Does anyone have any experience with long term use of psylocibin? Someone I know takes magic mushrooms several times a week because it is the only thing that helps his severe ocd enough so he can function almost like a normal person. Is there any reason not to continue if it's helping? He has tried CBT, ERP & medication which helps a little. Are there any long term use side effects to worry about? Has anyone else taken psylocibin regularly for a long time?",Anxiety +34697,"About avicii... If someones has any anxiety with it, dont because he had a pancreatitis due to a heavy alcoholism. + + +www.billboard.com/amp/articles/news/dance/8358621/avicii-health-timeline + +I know that a famous person dying so young can affects someone with HA but remember in this case the death is related to alcoholism, not to a weird disease, not to cancer, no to a heart problem, not to anxiety. + +RIP avicii",Anxiety +34698,Could an Acute HIV rash start as one bump and spread up the lower arms? I had a rash on my lower arms 3 weeks after possible exposure with no other symptoms. It started with one itchy bump and then it sort of spread around my arms but it wasn't too bad. I went to the doctor and he told me it's allergic reaction from switching body washes frequently. It was there for about a month or so. This was about 6 months ago and I did not feel the need to get tested. It crosses my mind every now and then so I wanted feedback.,Anxiety +34699,Going to see a doctor for Blood test. Any tips to over come the fear of blood test? ,Anxiety +34700,Lexapro? Anyone else take lexapro? I was just prescribed it this afternoon and made the mistake of reading the possible side effects. ,Anxiety +34701,Nodule in neck So I've had this bump under my skin near my jaw for about 6 months now. I went to the doc a few months ago and was told to come back if it doesn't go away. It didn't disappear so I returned and was scheduled for an ultrasound on my neck. The doc then sent me to get a CT scan of it. I'm worried that I've got cancer or something. I realize the odds are slim but it's still getting to me. I hope I'm over reacting. ,Anxiety +34702,"It's officially affecting my every day life The anxiety meds aren't responding. I got finished with an eye doctor appointment who told me my eyes were fine (the initial cause of this), got one night of rest (after 3 weeks of anxious manic hell) and it started up the next day. It moved from my eyes to other health concerns. It just never stops. I've talked to my therapist but I don't know when I'll see my psychiatrist next. I'm losing sleep. I'm barely hanging in there. I'm being a good girl and staying away from google but still continuously performing body checks every few hours and obsessing over random sensations and tingles on my body. + +Sleeping is the worst. I can't at all. I toss and turn. Wake up from panic attacks. Have vivid nightmares. It's just all gone to hell after years of building up and I don't know what to do. I've attempted grounding, meditation, nature sounds, reassuring myself, etc etc. It builds back up. + +I'm not sure where to go next or what to do. Maybe more doctor appointments, if it even helps anymore. Sometimes I think they're lying to me. Sometimes my brain tells me they either missed something or just aren't trained enough. I'm just crying right now because I feel so defeated. My brain has collapsed into itself and I can't escape it anymore.",Anxiety +34703,"Constant abdominal pain. Hey all, + +Spent all day in the ER for abdominal pain that I've been having for weeks now. They ended up telling me that it's nothing requiring immediate surgery so I'm good to go. + +Get home and have a yellowish bm mixed with blood and I get abdomen/back pain when eating. Feels like I have to vomit. + +So, I guess I'm dying. + +The best part is that I changed my diet and started exercising. I was trying to get away from feeling physically and mentally miserable 24/7. I lost 15 lbs and was feeling good. Ugh.",Anxiety +34704,"21M,FIRST TIME HERE, THANK YOU FOR ANY HELP GIVEN TO ME. Hi guys never posted here before however I am in a very dark place right now with my life and don't really know how to start this but for a while now I have felt very low and have felt as if I am becoming a different person as I no longer find happiness in myself as I did before, I am a university student also working in retail as well as recently being signed to a modelling agency and I often feel as if I have to put a happy face on everyday and I am honestly tired of having to do this it is physically as well as mentally draining. This feeling came around I would say at least a year ago and I kind of thought that it would pass as everyone does go through periods in their life were they feel low however it seems to have stayed and feels like a black cloud hanging over me which feels worse some days more then others , I come from a very loving family and live with my Mother and Stepfather as well as my younger 3 half siblings, I am very grateful for the luxuries I have in my life however there is so much going on within me some days I often wake up feeling very down for no reason at all feeling very worthless and lonely even though my family are very supportive and caring I couldn't ask for a better family. + +&#x200B; + +I believe my mental health has worsened due to finding out through family members that my biological father has been diagnosed with cancer and I guess this has made me realise that life really is so short and for some reason it has caused me to question myself asking "" I wonder if this is cancer causing?"" or "" what if I also get cancer one day?"" almost as if I have some sort of health anxiety and this is becoming an everyday moment, as a youngster my biological father was unable to be there for me and my mother due to his lack of love or care and the biggest blessing was my mother marrying again to a man who I can happily refer to as a real father, also a very close family member to me who I once spent a lot of time with has recently tried numerous times to take their own life and being so distant from them for so long has not been a good feeling and has made me feel quite lonely as I am already an individual who does not really have true friends as I struggle to trust people, there have been many times were I have been invited out by others and have had to make up excuses for reasons not to go. There have been times were I have contemplated taking my own life as the feeling of worthlessness and sadness was at its most high, this feeling is very hard to explain and I am just looking for a bit of clarity on maybe why I am feeling this way or if others have experienced something similar I really would appreciate any help at all. + +To individuals at work and university and others I meet I am often commented on being a very outgoing individual with a lot of confidence however deep down I often feel as if inside I am a totally different person which really does make me wonder how I became to be like this. I feel as if I lack the routine I once had in my life before and some days waking up feels as if I am just going through the motions, not long ago I would read everyday and would love to keep a journal to put my thoughts to paper, I remember heading to the gym 5 times a week running twice a week being full of energy living life to the fullest appreciating each day with those around me, where has the old me gone?. Often I have been told by others I am a very good-looking individual and in playful ways people have said"" You love yourself don't you"" or "" you are so cocky"" as I very much take pride in my physical appearance and enjoy doing my best to look as good as I can, the truth is recently I have been struggling everyday to keep a positive mindset and do the things I enjoy, having to put a mask on everyday is a task which I have become very familiar with I just want to know if others have felt the same and I would really appreciate any help which can be given I don't want to give up I don't want to carry on feeling this way I want the suffering to end or at least made easier. + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for taking the time to read this I apologise for any grammatical mistakes it is quite late in the night right now. ",Anxiety +34705,"Panic attack head pain throat closing. Help +Hi there + +I have a reoccurring panic attack. I get throat tightness like I can't breathe or swallow , my arms and legs will tingle, I get dizzy, my heart races, I think the end is here. Then after this part passes(5--25mins) I feel very tired and get sharp head pains. I'm terrified of having an anaphylactic reaction so I take Benadryl when I feel the throat tightness but I've been tested and have no allergies. + +Anyone else??? + +Panic disorder and HA SUCK. +",Anxiety +34706,"Just had the worst panic attack Was at my moms for dinner. Had a plate in the kitchen when I all of a sudden didn’t feel too great, kinda faint. Tried to walk it off and got dizzy, tunnel vision, sweaty and heart rate was through the roof. Seriously felt like I was about to die so I told my mother and wife. + +They sat me down and calmed me but it felt like it took forever. I just about told them to call an ambulance because I was sure it was the end. Easily the worst and scariest panic attack I’ve ever had. + +Fuck, I thought I was doing better. ",Anxiety +34707,"I’m so tired of it all, but I can’t stop thinking something is wrong with me. I’ve never had health anxiety, but I’ve been blessed with plenty of other types. Lately HA seems to be my primary form. + +Back in August I visited the ER for 104 degree fever that affected my vision, in October urgent care sent me to the ER for an uncharacteristic migraine. In November I started getting chest pain, which sent me to the ER several times out of fear. After numerous EKGs, blood tests, a stress test, and event monitor setup I’m told I’m fine, but have some PVCs. + +I’m still getting the chest pains, palpitations, and headaches, and multiple doctors ranging from primary care, to ER, to neurologists, to cardiologists all attribute it to stress. + +Last year my blood pressure used to be 121/73 when visiting the doctor, but lately it’s skyrocketed to 150/88 in the office. Taking it at home I average about 128/76, but I can see my pulse go up when I take it. + +I’m so scared about a multitude of things happening to me and I can’t stop thinking about the unknown. I don’t know if I’m really okay or if there’s something wrong with me with the constant headaches and other symptoms. + +How do people deal with this?",Anxiety +34708,"Anyone find going to the gym tough? So I try to get to the gym as often as possible as I know how good it can be for mental health and to get back to my previous standard of fitness. However, since getting HA I find it difficult as I keep focusing on my heart rate after sets or after a bit of cardio; I keep thinking ‘is that too high?’ ‘How long will it take to return to normal!’ ‘I only did 5 reps why is it beating so hard!?’ + +Really annoying that I can’t enjoy the gym as I keep thinking about how my heart is doing! + +Wonder if anyone else is the same, and if so what they do to help! + +Happy new year ",Anxiety +34709,Something stuck in throat Not sure what this is but I think it is mucus/cold stuck in throat and it comes up close in my throat but it never comes out my mouth any idea what this might be?,Anxiety +34710,"Can’t function properly due to fear of MS A few years ago I was involved in a serious car accident and developed quite severe anxiety. Shortly after this I started experiencing numbness and tingling down my left side, went to the GP thinking it was MS and was basically laughed out of the surgery. Went to a walk in centre and was told it was anxiety. + +Over the years I’ve occasionally gotten numbness / tingling in my left side. Sometimes the left side seems weaker but it’s subjective not objective. + +Recently someone I knew from high school was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Since then I’ve experienced loads of tingles and numbness in my left arm, hand and foot. I’m terrified it’s MS and have spent a lot of time in bed over the past few days researching MS, crying, and doing neurological tests on myself over and over. I’m convinced I have it and my life is over. I just moved somewhere near and haven’t registered with a GP yet so it’s going to take a few weeks to get an appointment. ",Anxiety +34711,"I’m determined to win against my HA It is January 1st 2019 and I am currently in bed in tears because my Health Anxiety has been in overdrive for days. I currently think I have numerous illnesses and I’m in constant fear I’m going to die soon. + +But this shouldn’t be how I bring in the New Year. I should be looking forward, I should be looking to tackle the year head on and look to fulfil my potential. This time next year, as we approach 2020, I want to be living my life to the full and not feel crippled by how my mental health perceives my physical health. + +I am so scared of dying, that I don’t spend anytime living. And that is a travesty that I must fight against. ",Anxiety +34712,"mole anxiety Hi. i'm glad to have come across this group because nobody understands my anxiety. Since having children, my anxiety has become really bad. I fear I'm not going to be around for my children. I've had a fear scares too and I have some chronic health problems. I'm on holiday now and noticed a mole was raised and a pink. I don't know how long it's been that way. I can't see a doctor for a few more days either. I scratched it a few weeks ago and the top of it came off and now the scab is sort of a shiny pink underneath. The mole seems to have been there for a year or so, but not before that (I did look at previous photos of myself). It's grown in size and changed to pinkish tinged. I am so nervous. I keep imagining that i'll die from this because I read that some pink melanomas can be life threatening in 6 weeks or so. It's awful. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old so it's even more devastating. My husband doesn't understand. ",Anxiety +34713,"Now that the holidays are over... I can feel my emotional repression release and it’s not a good thing. I knew this would happen. The fucking mole on my thigh is scaring the living shit out of me. + +Okay so like around October this mole I had my entire life suddenly raised a little and was red. Panic panic panic. About two weeks ago it seemed to have a little white head and I “popped” it. Just like a tiny little zit. It does seems smaller and less red but there’s still this tiny darker dot right next to it. WHY IS IT STILL THERE???? Ugh and I have to convince my parents somehow. I wish I was an adult where this would have been solved in a week in October. I’m 16, just to throw that out there. ",Anxiety +34714,"How bad for you is Scottish farmed salmon? I was craving some salmon and bought some to eat tonight, and had quite a lot. I didn’t realize till after I was done eating that the salmon was actually farmed and not wild caught in Scotland. + +Now I’ve been reading articles that say you shouldn’t even if farmed Scottish salmon more then once year or that it’s filled with dioxins and PCB that will give me tons of health problems. Now I’m feeling kind of sick and can’t sleep. Am in danger if I ate pretty much the whole package? 12 slices... thanks ",Anxiety +34715,"Trying to find a therapist! So, researching online has gotten me so confused. I have health anxiety from my grandmothers passing, and now every little ache or weird feeling is obviously me dying. So i need to find a therapist to help me through so I am not racking up ER bills. I see ""Marriage and Family Therapist"" and ""Counselors"" and ""Therapy Interns"" but I dont know which is right for my issues. Honestly its just the health anxiety Im looking to resolve, other than that i have a pretty good support system. Any help or tips on my search?",Anxiety +34716,"I rlly need the toilet but can’t make it into the bathroom There are two mirrors in the bathroom and I know if I go in there I will end up getting stuck checking my mouth for 30 minutes, will probably find something new wrong and be in a panicky mess until I finally pass out with exhaustion at 7am, fuck my lifeeeee",Anxiety +34717,"Health anxiety when sick Hi everyone, + + +I've had issues with GAD for the past 10 years, it's something I've learned a lot from, and managing it usually is not terrible difficult. In late November I came down with a cold, which in turn became a sinus infection. I've had semi-noticeable issues with my sinuses for the past two years but nothing crazy, mainly decreased sense of smell, and having a stuffy nose. During this time, I became paranoid of various fatal diseases, I had a ton of different symptoms, some that can be related to sinus stuff, some anxiety things. I've had a few ups and downs throughout the last month and a bit, at one point having almost a full week anxiety free. + + +Anyways, do you guys have any recommendations for dealing with HA when you have an actual medical thing going on with it's own symptoms? I am currently paranoid about some kind of Bacterial Meningitis, which, while being rational is kind of a ridiculous fear. Going to the doctor is also a bit of a challenge, I can't get a GP in my city (In Canada) and have to use health clinics. I haven't had any of the super thorough scans, tests, etc. Which also makes me a little paranoid, even though I know it's recommended not to go down that rabbit hole. I feel like my mind gets incredibly caught up in that minuscule chance that it's something serious and my ignoring it is going to be the nail in the coffin. + + + +I also just wanted to mention that I know this is a positive experience for me, even though it's kind of miserable. I don't want to be overly negative, as I have had my good days during all of this, and I try to keep positive even when things seem incredibly bleak and dreary. ",Anxiety +34718,"Brutal bowel movements after eating and random, constant burning sensation in chest all day no matter what Hi all, just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this, my health anxiety is improving, no more panic attacks, googling has gone way down, but my stomach just wont seem to improve and this burning in my chest right between the collar bones seems to be completely random. I don't feel particularly anxious, I cant even recognize it right now, just kinda deflated to be honest but I know my thoughts remain on my health just way less intense than they were. I Don't really enjoy eating because I know whats in store for me and have gone from 187lbs to 164lbs. I had an endoscopy that they said was clear, I'll most likely need to have a colonoscopy (doctor said) and going to see a lung specialist soon. If that stuff comes up clear which it probably will any advice how you help ease your stomach? Worst part is my diet is way better than it was so like \*should shrug\* I'm thinking of taking CBD oil but iono at this point, just lost. I try not to think about the burning and the bowel pain but its so in my face its hard not to. ",Anxiety +34719,"Penis skin So I was receiving oral from a woman a few days ago and she was a little rough. I was left with raw, grazed irritated skin on the head of my penis. + +At first I was really worried about it getting infected but it seems to be healing normally. Im just wondering if i should just leave it alone and let it heal, or should I put some cream on it to help it heal? ",Anxiety +34720,Fear of asbestos exposure My boyfriend works in a factory and has worked there for the past year and a half. There is asbestos in the ceiling over a small area that is uncovered and I’m constantly worried that somehow I’ve been exposed to it. Is that even possible? We live together. I’m TERRIFIED of asbestos and I’m always so scared to take deep breaths because of it. Am I being ridiculous? ,Anxiety +34721,"Why shouldn't I in fact worry about brain aneursym? Hello, I worked with therapist today and I have a task to challenge my fears. And I want to do that. Why shouldn't I worry about aneursym? Why doesn't it scary casual people? In fact it is scary that I can't be sure if I have it or no and it can be really dangerous. What is not normal with my fear of aneurysm? I don't get it is rare, but is it so rare that only few people with genetical issuses should worry about that?",Anxiety +34722,"its back.... i was doing so well for so long with my hypochondria but all of a sudden its back. my mind is going crazy. been a while since i visited this thread. + +what has me all paranoid is last night, i was at a party with about 15 people. I went to the bathroom and when i wiped and put the toilet paper in the toilet, i noticed a little bit of red on it like blood. i thought i was getting my period but i wasnt. i didnt see any blood after that. + +so now, I am worried that it was someone ELSES blood on the toilet paper and am concerned about being infected with HIV now. Ugh. my biggest fear. + +The reason I worry is because one person who was at the party is a gay male, and I am unsure of his status.. what if he was sabatoging the toilet paper with his blood?! + +I HATE THIS ANXIETY! Literally no rational thoughts here. ",Anxiety +34723,"I am just glad I have found you I have been struggling with severe health anxiety for the last six months. In the past year my life has been turned upside-down: I was bullied on my workplace, I moved to the UK from Italy and my parents divorced. And although I am living with the most wonderful man I have ever met, and I am finally doing what I love in a city I adore I feel completely BROKEN. Every night I go to bed thinking about the fact that a tragedy is meant to happen sooner than I could imagine, and that a terrible unnamed illness will take me away from the love of my life and from my dream of becoming a museum curator. Every day I make an effort to get up and I immediately start checking my breasts and my neck for lumps. I feel exhausted. I only wish I could be able to enjoy a pleasant evening at the restaurant without a cruel voice inside my brain whispering that my happiness is not meant to last. I do not want to live like this anymore. I am 27, I have the holy right to be happy and healthy and to enjoy my life. This is so unfair. +I wanted to thank you guys for putting into words all the things I constantly feel deep inside my chest. You made me understand that I am not alone in this. And I know that someday we'll get all the happyness and the peace that we deserve. ",Anxiety +34724,"I told myself that 2019 was going to be the year I beat this; two days in I’ve failed I discovered a small spot on my abdomen to the right of my belly button that is a little bit sore when I bend over or move a certain way. I’ve poked and prodded at it so much trying to feel around for any abnormalities such as a lump, that now it hurts more from all the poking. I’m not exactly sure what it is that I’m afraid I have this time since I’m trying so hard not to google anything and besides appendicitis, I am not sure what other malicious causes could explain this sort of abdominal pain. My mom says it’s probably a muscle strain. +I do not feel anything abnormal when I press, however I carry some extra weight in my belly so I fear that I just cannot feel anything through the layer of fat. +Not a great start to 2019 at all. ",Anxiety +34725,"Convincing yourself you’re ok? How do some of y’all convince yourself that you’re not dying? Sometimes I will be doing anything normal like washing my hands or driving, and I just think to myself “I don’t feel right.” I constantly freak myself out to the point I just shut down and can’t continue on with my day. This all just started abruptly two months ago so I’m really new to all this and I feel like I’m spiraling. I try my best to believe my doctor, especially the one I have now because I’ve convinced myself that my first 3 doctors were lying and it’s not just my anxiety. I’m just so tired of feeling like this and I need some better coping mechanisms. Thanks for any replies and help. ",Anxiety +34726,I have health anxiety I have health anxiety and think too much and my chest races and stuff,Anxiety +34727,"I’m deathly afraid of getting a brain aneurysm My mother died from one when I was a baby, and I never really realized what it was until recently. Since then I’ve researched it, learned that if you have a history of them in your family you’re more likely to get one. Now I’m just dreading randomly getting a head ache, or just “pop!” Then I’m dead. Sometimes I can’t even sleep at night because I’m scared that it could happen while I’m asleep or it could happen the next day and that this night would be my last and I wouldn’t even know it! I’m thinking about going to the doctor to get a scan, but my step-mom says that I should only get one if I experience any/all of these symptoms: +Loss of balance, double vision, and loss of consciousness. Thing is I’m worried that I may not even get to that point and just outright die on the spot randomly one day.",Anxiety +34728,"Tons of vegetable oil smoke in my kitchen, read online about how the fumes are toxic? I walked away from some boiling oil for a phone call and came back to find my kitchen filled with smoke, I tried to fix it but was coughing heavily and having trouble seeing. I read online that it is super toxic and now I’m all anxious",Anxiety +34729,"Not sure if I'm having health anxiety or if there's something seriously wrong with me and doctors won't listen I've been growing more and more anxious and I stumbled across this subreddit through related searches. Basically, I keep getting the sense that I'm not well, ""off"" if you will, or that there's something worse wrong with me than all of the doctors I've seen are making it out to be. And just to be clear, I haven't gone to the doctor about random things that turn out to be nothing--it's always for strep-like symptoms, colds, or throat infections. I've had three in the past two or three months (doctors just say maybe you need your tonsils out or might be a carrier for strep), but at the same time I've lost around 10 pounds... I thought this was over the course of the summer but looking at my last medical visits I've gone from 135 (Feb 2018), to 130 (Oct 2018), which is normal weight fluctuation for me, but then from 130 to 125 (Nov 2018) and then my most recent visit (Jan 2019) for my third throat infection my weight was 121 pounds. I'm a 5'4 woman and I keep telling the doctors about my concerns (different doctors too) but none of them seem really concerned. Is this normal?? They suggested maybe I was eating better, which might be true, but I really haven't consciously changed my eating habits and idk if I'm eating more or less than usual because I've never thought about it that hard... Can anyone help me?? Should I chill out?? Should I see another doctor, and what would I say to get them to take me seriously? This is causing me a lot of stress and I feel okayish but I'm uncomfortable with the amount of weight loss I'm experiencing and it only seems to be getting worse.",Anxiety +34730,"Can’t do this anymore. As the title says I really can’t do this anymore, living with anxiety and health anxiety isn’t even living it’s basically existing. It’s got to the point that it’s changing who I am as a person, I’ve become jealous of people for being able to just live their lives, I feel like I’m becoming a bad mum and partner through it and I’ve decided it’s time for a change. Instead of going to the doctor for yet more tablets I’ve decided to overcome it myself, eating better, sleeping better, avoiding alcohol (I’ve realised this does not help at all- it helps while I’m drinking and then the next day is hell) avoiding caffeine and exercising and reading more. I’ve started playing “the sims” on my phone just to keep my mind active and on something other than my health or whatever strange worry my mind decides to have that day. I’ve decided enough is enough and I’m going to push myself to do things I would never usually do and get better. Sorry for the moaning boring post but sometimes it feels good to get it out to people who actually know how you feel and won’t just say “you’ll be alright” Also a great app I’ve found is called “Dare” it’s absolutely brilliant for panic attacks and has really helped me the last few days. Thanks for reading. ",Anxiety +34731,"Dr. Ravishankar Polisetty | Top Ayurvedic Doctor in India ## [Dr. Ravishankar Polisetty | Top Ayurvedic Doctor in India](http://drravishankarpolisetty.com/) + +**Dr. Ravishankar Polisetty** is one of the **Top Ayurvedic Doctor in India****.** A Cardiovascular Surgeon cum NaturopathDr. Ravishankar Polisetty developed many advanced methodologies through an integrative approach to manage diseases like IHD, arthritis, allergies, asthma, calculi in various organs and some forms of cancer. + +For appointment +Visit our website:- [http://drravishankarpolisetty.com/](http://drravishankarpolisetty.com/)",Anxiety +34732,"I'm so scared it's me again back with my head pains that I've been getting since October I went to the doctor on December 14th she gave me a diary to write my headaches in. I felt fine for a week after seeing her im not really feeling any sharp pains like i was but now I'm feeling dull aches at the base of my skull and behind my eyes its seriously scaring me so much, I literally cried last night because I'm scared it's a brain tumor or aneurysm I want to go back to the doctors and get an MRI so bad I hate this so much, im constantly scared I'm gonna die at 21.",Anxiety +34733,"Keep getting twitches all around my body For a few days now I keep getting these twitches around my body, usually in my legs. I can't feel any weakness but I'm fairly sure it won't be long before my mind starts tricking me into believing I can. I'm pretty worried it might be something serious like MD or ALS, what are the odds of that?",Anxiety +34734,"Lumps appearing overnight. So I don’t post much on reddit but recently I’ve starting to see more and more lumps appearing on my body. First was back in November on the lower left section of my abdomen. Two weeks ago two appeared near the last rip of my rips cage, one on each side. I went to the doctor yesterday and she said they’re most likely cyst and to not worry about them. Although t’s might just be me being paranoid but I swear more grew over night. It is common for cyst to appear quickly on the body or is it something else?",Anxiety +34735,Anxiety is getting worse I've been sick with a nasty virus since Dec 24th. Just now getting over it. Lymphnodes are still swollen. Health anxiety is causing me to think its lymphoma ,Anxiety +34736,"Blood test results Hi all. + +Little backstory. I recently went to my doctor for some chest pains I have been having. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder since I was roughly 19. + +These chest pains have always been an on and off thing with me, I've had scans out the wazoodle and also blood work over the years that has shown nothing. + +Today my doctors receptionist called me to inform me my most recent blood work results were in (I had the blood work done roughly 3 weeks ago). This is terrifying to me as they have never called me before in results to blood work results. + +My mind is pacing thinking they found something horrible as it was not discussed over the phone, I have an appointment tomorrow morning to go over the results with the doctor. My mind is going nuts thinking I have cancer or diabetes or something very life threatening has been found. + +I dunno I just needed to write this down, makes me feel a little better in a way.",Anxiety +34737,"Coping methods you use? (venting) I was finally approved and am able to afford health care and I scheduled an appointment for the GP and the Dentist because of a small bump I have sort of under/in front of my ear by my lower jaw on the right side. + +But I am sort of terrified, and am obviously fearing the worst, I just wanted to know what coping methods you have. + +Bleh. I'm sorry I need to vent a little too. I've always had one tonsil larger than the other on the right side too, and I like freaked out about it when I was 15 or 16, but it never grew or anything. I've had jaw pain on and off for a few years I think mostly when my wisdom teeth started growing in. I also get earaches, tinnitus, and jaw popping (again mostly on my right side). I know this sounds like tmj, but now I found this bump and I am just terrified the bump has been something more sinister, and I could never afford to do anything about it, and I am just ashamed of myself. + +Also like I need to get work done on my teeth, and I am just a mess. I am happy I got insurance finally so I can see a doctor and maybe a therapist tbh. Bleh. I'm sorry if this is triggering for you guys, I am in such a bad place mentally at the moment, and I feel incredibly alone. It's gotten to the point where I kind of wonder why I am here sometimes. + +Like trying to be positive is so difficult. I try but it never sticks, and I don't know how I got here. + +I am so sorry if this is triggering at all to anyone. If anyone has any coping skills, or ways to distract yourself that would be incredibly helpful. I'm already doing the ""don't google your symptoms"" while I wait for my dr. appointment (which is on the Feb. 1). So anything you got, let me know. + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +34738,"I had an ECG about a month and a half ago. Am I still good or should I take another one? Hey guys, I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety the past couple of days which none of it seems to get better. I’m dizzy and have chest muscle pain same with my right arm. Shortness of breath. I had an ECG done about a month and a half ago (I’ve had heart failure symptoms for about 2/3 months now), is it possible that I need another one done or would the ECG have picked it up? ",Anxiety +34739,weight loss I feel I should mention I've always been underweight with a high metabolism. I was recently sick last week with bronchitis which made me lose my appetite and since I've healed I also have stppped smoking weed. My eating habits are coming back but one thing that is concerning me is over the course of that week and a half I have lost 6-7 pounds. Rationally I know this is because my eating habits have changed when I was sick and because I no longer smoke. I know you guys aren't dieticians but if you'd include tips to regain those lost pounds that'd be much appreciated.,Anxiety +34740,"I coughed too hard and strained my forehead and face, anxious about getting an aneurysm? I’m sick with a cold for the past 2 days, with a sore throat, clogged up nose, and a continuous cough. A few minutes ago, I had phlegm stuck in my throat (gross I know), so I tried to get it out by coughing it up, I kept coughing until I coughed too hard, and I could feel my whole face and head strain from it. I stopped and I still feel pressure all around. Should I be concerned? Is it going to damage my nerves or even give me something like a stroke or aneurysm?",Anxiety +34741,"My story of chronic chest pain and health anxiety Six weeks ago I (M26) was keeled over in bed clutching my chest. I felt a pain on my left side that felt deep and biting. It subsided shortly but since then I had what felt like a mass in my chest. I’m not new-comer to chest pain either. Last year I was diagnosed with having PVCs (preventricular contractions) which are benign but ended up requiring me to get a Halter monitor and Echo. Those results indicated my heart was fine. Now, however, I was panicked thinking I might have a respiratory problem. I started googling lung cancer symptoms, bone cancer symptoms, the whole nine yards. One night, I had a full blown panic attack thinking I was going to die from what felt like a huge tumor growing in my chest. And that damn pain never went away, I paid attention to the tightness I felt in my chest all the time, it was inescapable. While at times I would be distracted and not notice it, a large portion of my day is spent studying and during those times of quite my mind would be drawn to the tightness I was feeling. I should also mention I’m in medical school, so learning all of the pathologies that could happen to a person made anything I felt be drawn to the worst diseases I’ve since come to learn. + +It was only last week that I actually discovered this subreddit, and I became sure my chest pain was related to anxiety. The anxiety of school, the anxiety of my chest pain, and the anxiety I had regarding my own mortality after a recent friend passed away. And what made it worse was that all of these things were acting as a positive feedback loop. For example, I’d stress about an exam, which would provoke my chest pain, which would make me more anxious which lead to worse chest pain and on and on. Maddening. Even though I knew how incredible rare it would be for a young non-smoker to be diagnosed with a disease like lung cancer, it was always where my mind went. + +In order to rule out actually having a physiological problem, I got an X-ray done today and it came back negative for anything. Though, I question if that was the right thing to do. I don’t want to be a hypochondriac, and get needless and expensive tests done. And in some ways I felt like I “gave” in to my emotions. However, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t much more relaxed knowing that my problem stems from anxiety, and not pathology. + +I write this only to say that chest pain is scary, but more often not a life-threatening ordeal. I hope to calm those who come here freaking out about a symptom similar to mine. And while I still have the pain, I now understand it and accept it. + +Our bodies are weird, and no one has the same body as you or will experience the same symptoms as you. My body likes to give me chest pains which are sometimes chronic, sometimes short, sometimes after a tough exercise. But after having run the gamut of tests, I’m actually just - fine. + +TL;DR: Chest pain turned out to be nothing but anxiety after extensive testing. You’re fine. ",Anxiety +34742,"Heart Palpitations Stopped--Empty Feeling hello everybody! i've been dealing with cardiophobia for 2 months now, ever since i went to the ER for a fast heartrate that wouldn't stop. everything is fine with my heart, i've had loads of EKGs, chest x-rays, and bloodwork done. the month following, however, i could always feel my heartbeat in my chest. i would often put my hand on my chest to feel it beat to calm me down. i got put on anxiety meds and now my heartbeat isn't palpitating like it was, in fact, i only feel my heartbeat in my wrist pulse now. it's fine, i guess that's normal, but ever since it's stopped i've had this empty feeling in my chest. it's probably psychological, but it makes me nervous sometimes that i can't feel anything there. thanks for listening to me, if anybody else has any wisdom or similar experiences, I'd love to hear it!",Anxiety +34743,"Is it possible to create symptoms of a sickness I’m fearing? For the last few weeks I’ve been obsessing over a possible brain tumor. I’m 17 and I feel that my vision has gotten worse lately, especially in the dark. (My eyesight was already bad without glasses) I also have a lot of ‘floaters’ in my sight and sometimes a green tint as if I looked and the sun and looked away quickly. I’ve been tired the last couple of days even though I got plenty of sleep and sometimes when I’m holding my phone it feels light for some reason, I guess I title that with light headedness. Although I have experienced migraines I know this is something entirely different. Symptoms I haven’t felt are Severe headaches, vomiting or seizures. I’ve been a hypochondriac since I was a kid and I hate it and I can’t help but fear these symptoms. I plan on seeing some sort of doctor in the future, but I wanted to get it off my chest now.",Anxiety +34744,"Pinky keeps shaking Shot in the dark... +Anxiety seems to be at all time high, to the point where I have accepted something is neurologically wrong with me. +I’ve had a lot of symptoms to which my neurologist did the emg study and and mri. +He gave me the all clear. +I have a lot of other symptoms, but the main one at the moment is that I can’t seem to beat is my left hand pinky. +Can extended periods of anxiety cause muscle weakening. My dang pinky won’t stop shaking when I try to use it or extend it from my ring finger. Can’t tell if this is stress/anxiety related. It seem to shake like it is weak or something. It shake worse and less at different parts of the day. +",Anxiety +34745,Middle of panic attack! Need help! I’m at home alone having a panic attack and feel dizzy and terrified. I never had one at home before and that’s making it even scarier bc I’m adraid it’s nof a panic attack and I’ll paas out and die alone here!!,Anxiety +34746,"HIV or anxiety creating my symptoms? I had shaved the day before and had a small cut on my scrotum, anyways. She had bled a bit. + +She says she was negative but you know health anxiety wouldnt allow that to be enough. + +I am at day 45 and probably for the last 30-35 days I have had symptoms such as Fatigue, muscle aches(doctor thinks this is levaquin), have not had a fever, but the last two weeks I have had mild headaches regularly, also a sore throat(nothing new for me). + +Any thoughts or help would be great, I know its not a death sentence if I am positive, and this community is great for all the help they provide others.",Anxiety +34747,"One calf bigger than other, just noticed So I just noticed my left calf is bigger than my right. I'm not sure how long it's been this way, I never really look and examine my legs. There's no pain or discoloration. I've obviously had the whole DVT thing pop into my head and have been debating going to ER. I'm 21 years old and in pretty good shape. + +I play basketball a lot, and if any of you guys play ball, you know that right handed players will often jump off their left leg. I've done this for most years I've played basketball(nearly 10 years), as I never really go left, and thus never jump off my right foot. Could this be a possible explanation?",Anxiety +34748,Worried about my stomach Started last night. I was drying clothes and I felt my stomach balloon up with gas so bad that I couldn’t stand. It wasn’t painful just uncomfortable. I started to panic. I went upstairs to my bedroom and took antacids because it’s all I had. Then I had to use the bathroom. I was still in panic mode as I could barely take a deep breath. It eventually went away but here I am sitting at work and my stomach is swelling up again and I’m scared it’s going to kill me. I just took a gas pill about 10 mins ago but it’s not working and I’m drinking water. It’s so uncomfortable it feels like I’m pregnant probably looks like it too. Can you die from having gas in your stomach like this? My anxiety is making it worse ,Anxiety +34749,"Temporarily Wrinkled Skin?? Hey guys, + +I woke up this morning and noticed something had changed on my body. The more I looked at it, the more I was disturbed. The skin on the back of my hand had a different texture. It almost looked like a burn scar. Instead of smooth and straight, it was more wrinkly and bumpy. My thought was wow, can aging of the skin happen overnight? + +The weird thing is the texture has gone back to normal now and my other hand didn't do the same thing.",Anxiety +34750,"Constant twitching in my hand causing bad anxiety I was having a good week then this morning I woke up with twitching in my one hand that hasn’t stopped for two hours. Usually body twitches don’t set me off but I’ve never had them for this long in one spot. Anyone else experience this? I’m worried about it lasting all day, idk how I’ll get through it",Anxiety +34751,"Embarrassed ashamed and defeated My health anxiety had been terrible lately. Honestly if I described my symptoms to certain people they would have probably suggested I got to the hospital. Anyway my latest worries are that I seem to feel like I'm struggling for breath at times and having random heart palpitations. + +This is one of those situations where as a sufferer of health anxiety your brain puts you on the spot and you have to make a decision. Do you + +A: write it off as anxiety and try your best to get on with life. + +B: jump to a conclusion that you are probably dying and seek medical advise. + +Guess what I did. After the doctor listened to my heart and lungs and said it sounds fine but we'll Do some blood work as I hadn't had any in a while and an ECG just to be sure. So I spent all Christmas worrying that I'm dying of a serious lung or heart problem and today the day finally came for the blood test and ECG. Now even the thought of blood work makes me feel sick. + + I layed on the bed and had the ECG done and when it came to the blood test she stuck the needle in and I had a panic attack and she couldn't get the blood from me. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself I can't remember feeling any lower. I tried to hard and iv been worrying about this whole thing for quite a while. + +Now I'm convinced I'm gonna get a phone call saying to immediately come in because I have a serious condition. I just really need a shoulder to cry on I think. ",Anxiety +34752,"Constant Post Nasal Drip Hey do any of you guys suffer from this? I seem to have a constant irritated throat from this and it's driving me mad... Because it doesn't seem to be going away I'm thinking it might be something more serious. + +Also seem to have a bit of acid reflux with this too, not sure if it's connected...",Anxiety +34753,"Worried about my gallbladder - how to stay calm until my next ultrasound. (Quick background: I've had health anxiety since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's gone through the roof in the year & a half since she died.) + +A year ago my doctor discovered a small polyp on my gallbladder. It was only 3mm, but he decided to monitor it anyway just in case, which means an ultrasound every 6 months for 2 years. During my second ultrasound, the polyp was a little bigger -- this time, 4mm -- and my doctor seemed worried. But he seems like he gets worried easily, so I don't really know how I should feel... + +My mom's gallbladder was removed for a variety of reasons at 45, and it turned out hers had precancerous cells (cells that look a bit off and may develop into cancer). So my family history has me worried. I'm also concerned because (a) it's a single polyp, and single polyps are more likely to be cancerous, and (b) it's growing, albeit slowly. + +I keep trying to tell myself that I'm young (mid-twenties) and that gallbladder cancer is EXTREMELY unlikely in anyone under 40, but I can't shrug this awful feeling. Gallbladder cancer kills 85% of people within 5 years (though most people are diagnosed late-stage, so who knows what my odds would be if I actually had it). + +My next ultrasound is in a few weeks, and my anxiety levels are ridiculous. How do you guys find some peace when you have a test coming up? ",Anxiety +34754,"Chest Pain Hi, I'm hoping you lovely people can help me with this. +I'm 21F, not super healthy but not overweight, just eat not-so-well. +A few weeks ago I got really sick for about 2.5 weeks. I had awful diarrhea, couldn't swallow, drink, eat, no appetite, was naseuas, had chest pains and had very high heart rates. Over this period I got 3 blood tests, a stool sample, 2 (abdominal) CTs (where you could see a bit of my chest), and a chest x-ray. Nothing came back positive. Eventually I started feeling better and started going on with my life. What may be somewhat important information is that my dad is a surgeon and I work reception for him, he had similar problems a few weeks before me. + +For the last few days, I've had some loose-ish stools, a bit of weakness/fatigue, but mainly I'm concerned about a dull pain that moves around my chest. Today it's mostly been on my left side and about 30 min ago went into my left shoulder. Its not constant and it can be lower right, upper left, whatever. I'm terrified I have a pulmonary embolism or some sort of clot. I know I'm probably panicking for no reason and I hate annoying my dad with this stuff and he makes me feel crazy which doesn't help. So... Any wisdom? Thank you in advance!",Anxiety +34755,"terrified of being pregnant hiii + +i'm 19 and on birth control but sometimes i'm bad at taking it on time because of the hours that i work. in september i had sex without a condom but he didn't finish in me and we didn't even have sex for very long so i know there's a low chance of pregnancy already. i've had light periods every month since then (which isn't unusual for me) but i've also had pregnancy symptoms like backpain, moodiness and headaches that my doctor said is just stress from school and work. i've taken 3 pregnancy tests and they've all been negative but i can't shake the feeling that i'm pregnant because i read so much about women who didn't know they were pregnant until later on/labor, or women that had light monthly bleeding throughout their pregnancy. + +i know that i'm overreacting but i just keep analyzing my body way too much and thinking about every random pain or symptom i get. does anyone have advice for making this anxiety go away? i've stopped googling my symptoms because every search brings me to babycenter forums but i can't stop thinking about it :/ + +thank you sm :)",Anxiety +34756,"Crazy bloating Hi everyone, + +I’ve pretty much had my health anxiety under control until recently again. +I started a super low sugar, low carb diet and gave up alcohol, well the past few days my extreme bloating had not gone down. I started taking probiotics as well. I was diagnosed with a UTI today bc of the frequent urge to pee. My lower back hurts and I have a pinching pain in my lower left abdomen as well. My test came back negative but the doc said I had all symptoms of UTI and was prescribed macro bid. Anyway I also have a history of cysts and fibroids, I started googling and of course ovarian cancer came up. Now I’m freaking out and upset, anyone out there have crazy bloating with a benign reason? ",Anxiety +34757,"Shin indent / wearing socks? Hi all. First off I've seen about 3 doctors through my University and they have all said what I have is 'normal asymmetry'. On my inner, left shin there's this relatively thin 2.5 inch long indent feeling where the muscle/tissue just doesn't seem to be there...or maybe it was damaged. The docs told me that so long as it doesn't impede any daily functioning, hurt extremely bad, grow, or (and this is the biggest one) eventually protrude that I am healthy and in my head. + +I just feel like SOMETHING is there...I've gone to the point where I thought my muscle is deteriorating. + +However, around the area it sometimes feels like I'm wearing long socks even when I don't have any on. + +Any advice for an excessive worrier like me? :(",Anxiety +34758,"Terrified of catching the flu after ENT visit. I've been a huge germaphobe for as long as I can remember. In the spring and summer it usually doesn't cause me to much distress, but once cold and flu season pick up, it starts to have a greater impact on my mental health and my ability to function. + +Earlier today, I had my bi-yearly appointment with my ENT to get my ears cleaned out (I produce a ton of wax). I was super anxious going into the appointment as there is a very bad cold going around my area right now, and the flu is widespread. I took hand sanitizer with me and was prepared to grab a mask if the waiting room was busy. + +Thankfully, there wasnt a single patient in the waiting room. I was called back quickly, the nurse took some info, I sanitized my hands, and then my ENT entered the room. He shook my hand, and then sanitized his, and got to work cleaning me out. + +Once he finished I asked a quick question about how to avoid facial and ear pain on a long flight, and he suggested the vasalva maneuver. He demonstrated it for me, and then asked me to try it. Ordinarily, I dont touch my face under any circumstances, but since I had just sanitized my hands and since I was just pinching the outside of my nose (I was careful not to get too close to my nostrils), I figured it would be okay. So I pinched my nose very briefly and went on my way. + +On the drive home I started to think about it a bit more, and realized that after I sanitized my hands, I shook his hand, so my hands probably were not very clean when I pinched my nose shut. And I started to get really worried that in doing so, I probably exposed myself to tons of cold/flu germs that will infect me in the coming days. + +Now I'm anxious as can be, trying to find some rational reason why I shouldn't be worried here, so I can calm down a bit. I havent had any luck yet. Can anybody help me out here? + +Also, just for the record, I'm seeing a therapist twice a week to help with these things. We just started back in October, but unfortunately he's been out of town all of December for the holidays. I've backtracked a good bit in his absence. I'm also more anxious than usual about getting sick because I have a vacation coming up next week and I really dont want to have a cold/flu while traveling. + +",Anxiety +34759,"advice needed please hi, just getting right to it, im coughing so hard my lungs, back, and throat hurts like hell. i have headaches, all of my muscles ache, im hot and cold and my skin hurts to the touch. like even the clothes im wearing hurt. i woke covered in sweat this morning snd im very weak, like i can hardly walk. i also have little to no appetite (ive eaten oranges and toast all day and its curently 5pm where i am). im not withdrawing from anything, have never taken a drug besides things doctors prescribe me in my life. everything hurts so badly and this cough is straining all of my muscles. id say on a scale of 10, the pain is around a 7 or 8. which i have an extremely high pain tolerance (when i broke my foot i said my pain was 6, when i had pneumonia i said was around 7 or 6). i always panic i might get pneumonia again, i thought i did a month or so ago bc of a bad cough but it was an upper respiratory infection. this hurts 100 times more than that and its not getting better (day 2 of these symptoms). the cough is very mucus-y (ew sorry) and i can hear a wheeze in my chest. i took my inhaler but it did nothing. the only thing ive taken is advil to calm to aches and pains. Any advice on what to do or what this might be is appreciated thank u",Anxiety +34760,"how to control heart rate while at the doctors? hi! + +so not only do i have health anxiety, but i have a HORRIBLE fear of the doctor. it's something new that started right around the same time as my health anxiety (yay) + +while i have a resting heart rate in the upper 70s, my heart rate shoots at the doctor because i'm so anxious - even into the 140s. that's the biggest issue i have with my anxiety, is my heart just starts to RACE, and once it starts to race i panic even more. it takes a while to convince the doctor that it's not normally like that( i show them my apple watch averages lol) - and usually they'll take it at the end too (i've basically trained myself to be so scared when they DO take it, so right after they take it, i'm absolutely fine and the anxiety is gone). + +&#x200B; + +however - i have a cardiology appointment for this monday. i have it because although my heart rate is in the upper 70s (sometimes lower 80s) while resting, it shoots up terribly with doing just basic things (think 120-130 while cleaning house, etc). this is newer for me, my heart rate used to shoot up into the 110s, but not as high as it has been getting. i'm FREAKING out because this entire appointment is basically everything i'm already afraid of at the doctor! + +&#x200B; + +does this happen to anyone else? it happens to my mom, too, but she has never been able to cope/fix it. i'm looking for something to hopefully calm me down in the actual office before the appointment.",Anxiety +34761,"How can I tell if I’m actually having an allergy to a food or if I’m just panicking? I ate some pecans and they made my tongue and roof of my mouth hurt. This has happened before but I never though much of it. So I googled it and saw “allergy” everywhere and got panicky. Now my eardrum has been twitching and my through feels kind of tight and mucousy so I’m terrified of it closing. + +How can I tell if I’m just being anxious? It’s been about 35-40 minutes since I ate them. ",Anxiety +34762,"Terrified I have diabetes 220 lb F, 5’2”. Experiencing recent tingling in heels, shakiness, increase urination, blurred vision in one eye. I’m absolutely terrified I have type 2 diabetes and could go into diabetic shock at any moment. I’m losing weight, have lost 4 lbs so far, but I’m worried about my health in the mean-time. I can’t go to the doctor, I have a blood and needle phobia. Should I buy a glucose monitor and test myself? Any tips for dealing with possible diabetes ?",Anxiety +34763,"A stranger touched my face last night. Very upset and scared. Went to a gay bar yesterday with friends at about 4am last night, around closing time. My friends kind of separated from me, trying to pursue a bartender. I sat at the bar looking at my phone, when another person who was there started talking to me. I didn’t mind at first but then I noticed he was drunk. I, being horrible at small talk, decided to compliment his teeth. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS because he then complimented mine, and grabbed my face in an effort to open my mouth to see my teeth. Luckily he didn’t get his fingers on or in my mouth, but his hands were all over my lower jaw. I struggled to remove his hands off of me, and then that asshole pushed me away. This person was a male probably in his mid 50s. + +On top of feeling like my personal space was totally violated, I have been worried sick about any germs or viruses that could have been on his hands. I have not been at peace since it happened last night. I tried to talk to my friends about it but they were too drunk to care.",Anxiety +34764,"Pilonidal cyst not responding to anti biotics ugh. I've had this thing for a while but when it flares up its never THAT bad. This time it was pretty painful and didn't go away after 2 days like it usually does. I went to the dermatologist, he gave me anti biotics. Its been 2 days with the anti biotics (ciprofloxacin) and its still inflamed, arguably worse than ever. Ibuprofen helps but not enough. Sleeping is so god damn difficult. + +The dermatologist said that these things can go 'deep' which scared the shit out of me. I've let this thing just sort of stay there for years now and I am terrified that a surgery would basically take a huge chunk of the entire area out just to get rid of this thing. I actually had a surgery for it years ago but that was when it FIRST appeared, and that was bad enough. + +I hate this so fucking much. I can barely sit down, but standing hurts too for some reason, and so does laying down. ",Anxiety +34765,"On the verge of falling back into this Hey guys. So let me just start off with a bit of background. I’ve had health anxiety my entire life. I’m a 21 year old male and about a year ago, it for really really bad. Every. Single. Day for about 3 months I fears ALS, Brain Tumors, Stomach Cancer and Esophageal Cancer. It was awful. Well I managed to get past that and I joined the army, finished my basic and job training schools and went home for the holidays. + +Well, the past few days I’ve been having some stomach discomfort and I was even in the hospital a week ago because of the pain (they told me it was just acid and the antacid they gave me seemed to fix the problem.) Now I’m extremely nervous, I’m so close to googling “stomach cancer symptoms” and I haven’t yet. I know if I do everything will come unraveled but I’m having trouble fighting this. What do I do?",Anxiety +34766,"Should I be concerned about stomach cancer? I’m a 24 year old male. 2 years ago I started having symptoms described below and it would come and go every couple months. So about 2 months ago I started having stomach issues with gas, being constantly full, zero appetite and little pains in my stomach. The pains faded after 2 weeks and the last 2 months it feels as if my stomach isn’t producing enough acid. I don’t know what is going on. I have zero pain during or after eating. The only symptom I have is the feeling of my food not being digested after eating and being full for hours and hours after eating. I have ZERO appetite. And also after eating my gut gets very gurgle and makes lots of noises. + +I’ll even workout twice a day and fast till dinner and still have zero appetite. I usually consume 400-600 mg of caffeine wether it’s multiple cups of coffee, tea or pre workout so I don’t know if that is bad. My anxiety has been very high worrying about stomach cancer. + +Anyone have any idea what this could be? Is it the caffeine? Does caffeine ruin your stomach? Is this cancer or chronic gastritis? Should be be concerned? ",Anxiety +34767,"Acid Reflux Attack Interested in other people's experiences of Panic/Anxiety attack. + +Does anyone else get an attack of acid reflux when they are in a panic? My wife tends to get a lot of foamy sputum coming up when she's getting a full bore attack which appears to be due to saliva mixed with stomach acid. This, she feels, hinders her breathing and it's only once she's cleared it does things start to settle but as with all health anxiety she's still concerned this is due to something else. + +This is all very new to her (at this level at least, had it low level for years). Still trying to get to grips with what symptoms are actually her anxiety attack.",Anxiety +34768,"Blood Pressure This is for anyone with high blood pressure or blood pressure anxiety. In the past year, I've gained some weight and become a lot more sedentary. My bp about 2 months ago was around 130/82. The past few weeks I've been experiencing some pressure in my ears and throbbing eardrum. I visited my doctor and my BP reading was first 150/95 and before I left 145/89. She wants me to log my blood pressure and return it to her after about two weeks. What I'm curious about is, to be diagnosed with high blood pressure, does it have to stay elevated above 120/80 all the time or if it gets up to higher than 120/80 often it's considered high blood pressure? How exactly is high bp diagnosed? Is this something can kill me soon or is it a risk for the future? I'm a (27m) a little overweight. ",Anxiety +34769,"Four days of pure hell Today I decided I was tired of feeling like I was in mental prison. I have been not doing a lot because I feared I was dying after going to the dentist and feeling on and off fatigue for the last 4 days. I think I made it worse by thinking non stop negative thoughts. I literally poisoned myself with my thoughts. My lovely boyfriend came over the other day happy to see me and I was trying my hardest to hide my state of panic and fear from him. I couldn’t even enjoy my time with him... + +I think I’m okay today. This morning I was like fuck this and just got ready. I’m hoping today I feel better. I might have had slight fatigue but my mind turned it into 100* worse then it was .... ",Anxiety +34770,"Unclean tap water fear I was in the Philippines last January and I remember drinking tap water connected to a filter. Since Philippines is a third world country, of course it's not going to be 100% clean. Surprisingly I have not gotten sick from drinking the filtered tap water. I'm scared there might be an amoeba hiding inside of my body right now ready to attack me. ",Anxiety +34771,"Wtf is going on in my head? Normally I'm good at handling this, but I really need reassurance tonight. I rolled over in bed and accidentally strained the right side of my neck a bit too much. I immediately felt discomfort and started to get a dull pain shooting up my neck and into my head, all on the right half. My face felt numb-ish and now feels... not swollen, but I guess 'puffy' is the best way to describe it? I have a dull headache on the right side of my head. Totally freaking out. Should I be worried, or am I losing it over a simple muscle strain? ",Anxiety +34772,growing pains but i’m done growing??? i’m a 17 year old female. my doctor said i’m done growing and i’ve been the same height since around 7th grade. sometimes in the night when trying to go to sleep i have really bad “growing pains” in my thighs and behind my knees. it wikl also wake me up in the middle of the night. i’m really scared that it’s actually a blood clot in my leg. i’m not sure how often this happens but i know it’s fairly often and i always just chalk it up to growing pains even though that can’t be it..,Anxiety +34773,"Does anyone else have pelvic floor pain after multiple ejaculations in a short period of time. Lately I masturbated two times in a short period of time (within about 1 hour I guess) after the first ejaculation I had no pain in my lower area. But after the second time I had a little bit of pain in my pelvic floor area for about 30-45 minutes. + +As far as I remember this happend to me when I usually was ""younger"" (I’m 21 now) as well when I masturbated a lot in a short period of time but since I had no HA back then I didn’t stress about it. + +I just wanted to know if this happens to any of you guys as well and if it is normal.",Anxiety +34774,"I hate this I was walking my dog and looked up at the stars and I felt a twinge in my neck. + +I'm convinced I'm going to have a stroke now because I might have disturbed an artery or whatever. Like salon stroke. + +This is insane. I hate this all consuming fear.",Anxiety +34775,"Helping Twin Brother Deal With Health Anxiety My twin brother (23, m) has been suffering an extended episode of anxiety for about a month regarding terminal illness and neurodegenerative diseases. Two years ago he needed to have surgery for Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, which was a major anxiety-causer. Long story short, his arm swelled up and he needed to be taken to the hospital, learned he had blood clots in his lungs, and spent the rest of the year on blood thinners to prepare for his first major surgery. Since then, he's been extremely wary of any aches and pains he feels. This December, his arm started hurting, and he got an infected salivary gland. That, combined with it being around the two year anniversary of his surgery, triggered major anxiety symptoms. Since then he's had aches and pains, tingling, fatigue, headaches, all proportional to the level of anxiety he feels at the moment. + +He recognizes this, too. He knows that anxiety, something we have been officially diagnosed with, combined with the hyper-sensitivity that comes from being on the Autism spectrum, is the most logical explanation for his symptoms. But there's always that doubt, and that causes more anxiety. According to the anxious part of his brain, he's had MS, some kind of cancer, or some obscure disease that he read about on Wikipedia at some point. We have no family history of cancer, MS, or any weird diseases, and we live extremely healthy lifestyles. He even went to his doctor to see what they thought. His blood pressure is perfect, and a blood test came back with the only problem being a Vitamin D deficiency. His therapist has assured him that everything he's feeling is textbook anxiety. Despite this, he still gets panicky about every little twinge he feels. It's making him to lose sleep, causing him to feel tired and fatigued during the day and giving him more anxiety. It's a self-sustaining cycle. + +Him, describing what it's like to be in the middle of an attack: ""I feel like I'm dying and no one believes me."" + +Now, I suffer from health anxiety myself, but for different reasons. I hate catching colds, because they're basically a constant sensory overload for me. Besides that, I've had existential crises, and a bout of Alice In Wonderland Syndrome (yes, really), but all of these things are or were made far worse by my anxiety about them. I've been able to get through to my brother by talking about my own experience, but that only seems to work temporarily. + +I'm looking for advice: Does anyone here have family members with health anxiety? If so, how do you help them? Has anything worked for you? I hate seeing my brother deal with this, and I just want to do what I can to help. + +&#x200B; + +Oh, and don't hesitate to ask for more details or clarification on anything!",Anxiety +34776,Good stretches for upper/middle back and chest pain? I tend to get a lot if pain in my lower left ribs and a kind of sharp pain in the centre of my back I know when your young stretching (I'm not very physically active generally which I working on.) I know it's nothing to do with my heart but I know almost nothing about good stretching and exercise techniques. Trying to keep my anxiety down about pains. But I don't want to overdo it and make it worse if it's postural pain/muscle strain or something.,Anxiety +34777,"Weird symptom I've been having that scares me. So for the past year I've been having this weird symptom on and off, and it freaks me out every time. It only happens when I get out of the shower. My toes will turn noticeably bright red while the rest of my foot remains regular skin color. When this happens they are also very hot when you touch them. There's no pain, numbness or tingling, Just extremely red. Normally it only happens when I get out of the shower, but I got off the couch tonight and it happened. I've done a lot of research on the possibilities and the most common answer is peripheral artery disease and that terrifies me. I suppose I'm just looking for some insight at the moment. I'm a 28 year old male, quite lean. My family has a very good medical history, but my father has hypertension. He's not overweight at all, it's more of a genetic condition than acquired. I've never been diagnosed with hypertension but I wouldn't doubt if I have it or develop it at some point. ",Anxiety +34778,"The Outcasts, for everyone, and the outcasted. Where you'll always be accepted. Welcome to The Outcasts! A new Mental Health, Support Discord Server! Our motto is The Outcasts, for everyone, and the outcasted. Where you'll always be accepted. + +&#x200B; + +We are currently a small community, but we are always looking to expand! Currently we do movie nights, game night, and host public talk shows, and we take all suggestions into consideration! We offer Peer-to-Peer Support and advice and are always looking for new people to offer that support! We are also Dedicated to helping out others and supporting people through their times of need. We believe that everyone deserves a home and everyone deserves support and help. We believe that no moment is wasted, and every life matters. + +&#x200B; + +This place was founded with people who are considered Outcasts in mind, because this place is where you can be yourself without all the judgement and ridicule. A place where you can love what you want and be who you are and embrace it without other people out casting you. A place where people are kind and supportive of each other, no matter who that person is or what their background is, kind of like a family. + +&#x200B; + +Threats are not tolerated and privacy will not be leaked by others without serious punishment, the only time this is okay is if you consent to it. This means that you can post your private life if you would like to. As long as it follows the rules! + +&#x200B; + +We are a privately owned Mental Health discord server, and we are here to help as many people we can and support all. + +&#x200B; + +We are always open to partnerships from other people! We have many self assignable roles and things you can choose from to define yourself! + +&#x200B; + +So why not give the server a shot today? We're here to help you in all your rough times. Here is the Discord Link: [https://discord.gg/rkmFuUN](https://discord.gg/rkmFuUN)",Anxiety +34779,"A person with health anxiety did the 23 and me health test and doesn’t know how to deal with the results. Hi everyone. I am a 20 year old female. Long story short I watched my grandpa, who has been my father figure all of my life, die of a heart attack suddenly after years of going to the cardiologist for monthly checkups being told he was fine. Since then, I’ve had debilitating anxiety which has mostly caused me to be a serious hypochondriac. You name it, I thought I had it. I’ve been through all the typical anxiety symptoms that have caused me to go to countless doctors getting brain scans, blood tests, etc. I’ve never checked out therapy due to always going to medical doctors. When they can’t find anything I don’t trust them I fear them from what they did to my grandpa. I stay up at night thinking about how they didn’t find something that is seriously wrong with me like the cardiologist couldn’t find my grandpas heart attack before he died from it. I have such a fear of death it’s probably insane. + +My main question here is this: I got a 23 and me kit with the ancestry + health for Christmas (like most people!) I was never worried about Parkinson’s since it was never talked about on my moms side of the family. I don’t know my dad personally, I only know of him. I knew he was Italian (which matched to what my reading was saying) but I never knew anything else. I had 2 variants detected in my health report. One major variant detected for Parkinson’s the GBA gene and one variant for Gaucher’s disease (meaning I’m a carrier.) When I say I was shocked I mean I was shocked. My mother never mentioned anything about Parkinson’s on either of my sides. I linked my results up with my moms results (she also had the test) and she also has a variant detected for Gaucher’s disease (she gave it to me I’m guessing) but she doesn’t have one for Parkinson’s only I do. +The more research I do the more I want to cry. From what I’ve been reading I understand that I am at a high risk for Parkinson’s from my gene being a GBA and having Gaucher’s. I see that I am at risk for early Parkinson’s the one that causes the most cognitive decline very early in life. I have health anxiety to begin with (yes I know I probably shouldn’t have done the test) but I really was never expecting THIS. I don’t know where to go from here or what to think. I don’t know what I should do. All my research through various websites, scientific journals, and forums are telling me about what high of a risk I have for early Parkinson’s. I can’t sleep at night after finding this information. My heath anxiety has been through the roof. How serious is this? +Please no judgement. +",Anxiety +34780,"Rabies fear Hello everyone, back again, this time with a rabies scare. + +I got a new cat about 3 months ago, and she's a community stray from kind of the outskirts of Philadelphia. She's about 9 months old now and very rambunctious, and quite a cutie. + +However, as she is rambunctious I somehow started looking into whether or not she could have rabies. She runs around like crazy, rolls around a lot, and loves biting me. Like, LOVES biting me. Definitely drawn blood a few times, no infections due to careful cleaning after. + +I read that rabies usually shows 2-3 months after infection, and upwards of a year, so theoretically if she was bitten before I got her (she's 100% an indoor cat now) she could start showing symptoms. + +Is it at all possible, or am I being a doof? + +Also, should mention, got her all of her shots after taking her in. Not sure if that matters for rabies. + +Thank you all!",Anxiety +34781,"Why does my vision go black for a split second?? For a while now my vision has been doing this thing where I go blind for a millisecond a few times in a row, almost like I’m blinking without actually blinking. My blood pressure is fine, I don’t get dizzy, I don’t have anxiety when it happens, it just randomly happens. I can be doing anything and all of the sudden it’s like someone turned the lights in a room off and back on real quick. It’s strange. Is this something to worry about? Any help would be great. 👍🏼 ",Anxiety +34782,"Pulse/ Palpitations in Neck Hey guys, + +I just wanted to ask around if any of you have this going on as well. + +For the first time in my life, and only two days ago, I realized that I can see the veins/artery in my neck visibly pulsate. + +I have had problems in the past with palpitations, but now that I have noticed this I can’t go in front of a mirror without freaking out about it. Is this something new, or has this always been there, and I just never noticed? + +There isn’t much information about this online; not that I want to search and freak out some more. + +What do you guys think, is this normal male anatomy? + +",Anxiety +34783,"Anxie-tips. Or not really. Just a story of my anxiety and how im not taking shit from it anymore Eight years ago, i was diagnosed with chronic anxiety. That time, i shrugged it off thinking, ""hey, this is normal, right? Everyone gets anxious sometimes. This will go away, right?"" Wrong. Here i am, eight years later, cringing at past me for even thinking that anxiety goes away like a seasonal flu. + +I spent some time going through therapy sessions, and while those helped, they didnt really cure me of my anxiety*, because for people like me, anxiety is ever-present -- an annoying, unwanted companion i am eternally cuffed with. + +I struggled battling anxiety for a long time. It was hard to be a fully-functional human when every speedbump looked like a giant boulder in the middle of the road. Instead of looking for ways around it, my focus was on the speedbump-boulder and how impossible it was to conquer it. Anxiety paralyzed me and made me feel like i was always bound to fail. + +The smallest tasks would sometimes trigger anxiety and panic. I would cross the road planning my funeral because what if the bus hits me? I would get invited to parties, and yes i craved to socialize, but i would bail because what if i spill the drink and make a mess of myself? Public speaking was the worst subject ever, because that triggered so much what-ifs. I was sweating with just the thought of mispronouncing words and forgetting my lines. There were days when i thought i was perfectly fine, then i would be attacked by constant panic and pressure that took away my ability to function, and i would shut myself in, because anxiety was crippling that way. + +I quit a lot of things in my life -- school, jobs, relationships -- some, i didnt even get to start, all because i worried i wasnt good enough. I was scared of taking a course i wanted because what if i couldnt find a job after i graduated? I couldnt take these programs because what if i fail them and i had to retake them? I resigned from my teaching job because i feared no one would take my subjects the following year, that i might not be a good enough instructor. I was scared to build relationships and would stop talking to people i really liked or wanted to be friends with, because what if they dont understand me? + +Because that was what i felt, that no one understood me. I craved validation and support, but instead, some of the people i cared about left me for being ""over-dramatic"" and a ""cry-baby,"" only because they didnt understand what i was going through. Well, same. How could i blame them when i myself couldnt understand it? + +After years of battling anxiety, i got fed up with it and i internally told it to fuck off. It didnt. But i knew i had to do something about it, or else, i wouldnt be able to really live. I knew that there was only so much i could do to help myself. So i did. I read self-help books, which, if i would be honest, really didnt help that much because they all say the same things i already knew (still good reminders, though). I started reaching out to my fellow anxious people and asked for advice, because, you know, it takes one to know one, and they were the best people to talk to if i wanted to really get myself. Little by little, i gained confidence about who i was and what i was capable of. It took years and a lot of hard work, but i learned so much, and i couldnt be any more thankful to the people who helped me and made me feel a little better about myself. + +Fast forward to a few years later. I cant say that i dont get anxious anymore. After all, anxiety is already a big chunk of who i am. Maybe i just learned a few tricks to manage it somehow. Or maybe it just doesnt scare me as much as it did before. + +The fact is, there is no one-size-fits-all approach in managing anxiety. Some people fight their anxiety. Some people try to ignore it. If it works for you, then it must be for you. But if there's one thing i realized for myself, it's that fighting my anxiety is a losing battle, so i embrace it instead. I take a break. I breathe. I ground myself to my surroundings. This way, i know that i have control of the environment im in. I recognize the situation and try as much as possible to think logically. I acknowledge the facts, and while i cant really do anything about my emotions, i talk about the situation to the people who care to listen. If im alone, i express what upsets me through writing. I walk. I go for a run. Not to try to escape the situation, but to shake off the excess nerves. I look back to what makes me anxious and assess what i can do about it. If i need to take a break and feel the emotions as they happen, i allow myself a few hours, or maybe a few days to let it run its course. I think to myself, ""it will pass."" It always does. + +To my fellow anxious people, you got this. It is a hard road, and you may sometimes feel alone, but youre not. Be kind to yourselves. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to rest, take as much break as you need. If it's too much to bear alone, seek help. + +To everyone else, anxiety thrives in a person's inability to take control of a situation. When someone feels lost, it is important that they feel secured, heard, and validated. This is why it is important to show kindness and compassion to everyone. + + +(*Disclaimer: Im not saying that people should ditch therapy like i did. It just didnt work for me, but im sure it helps others. Please, please go/continue going to therapy if you feel that it helps.)",Anxiety +34784,"A dip in my neck, not sure what it came from I have had this weird crater/ sunken circle about the size of a quarter right where my jaw meets my neck for about a month. I'm 28, not super active, but not overweight. 5'3"", 126lbs... i guess i'm wondering what it is because it didnt just gradually get there and i've never been hugely overweight so I don't know how likely it is to have loose skin there at my age/ weight? I'm trying to be rational about it without insurance, but I don't know what I can do to see if it improves.",Anxiety +34785,"Thinking about ""lung cancer"" Long story short, since like 5-7 hours, I've been thinking about having lung cancer. The reasons why my brain suggest me this are: chest (or left breast) pain (but, actually, it's not very intensive. It appears just for a couple of seconds) and focusing on my breathing way too often (which makes me think that I have breathing issues). I don't smoke anything and I don't have any contact with dangerous chemical stuff.",Anxiety +34786,"Advice on how to cope traveling soon I was doing fine and now this week has been the worst. I feel like I am not me I'm in a fog and on autopilot. Dizziness ears ringing head tension. Convinced myself I won't be here longer. + +I couldn't even get to the grocery store done the street without panicking. I leave in a week for a trip from work and don't know how I'm gonna do it alone. I spend my time mapping out the closest hospital I just cant live like this anymore. I feel like I'm letting my family down ",Anxiety +34787,"What a week it's been So this week I've had a heart attack, pancreatitis, pancreatic cancer, kidney failure, prostate cancer and lymphoma. It's madness.",Anxiety +34788,"I've been making a fool of myself for the past month This is going to be long, sorry. I just really wanted to let this all out and I figured this is the best place to do it. + +I've always had a little bit of health anxiety, but it typically subsided very quickly. It was never something that had an effect on my life until recently. + +One night in early December I was playing a video game for several hours and barely moved. Eventually I had a pain shooting up my left leg and it appeared to be swollen. My mom suggested I pinched a nerve, but I just knew it was a blood clot. My symptoms were a mild pain in my leg and ""swelling"", Google told me I was about to die, and I was thoroughly convinced. + +A few days pass of me obsessing over this. I read about DVT for hours every single day. I'm basically an expert on it at this point. I know all about taking blood thinners and the effect it could have on your period. I was preparing myself for this life. + +I measured my legs to compare them many times a day. This had me believing the ""swelling"" wasn't going down. Turns out the left side of me is just fatter than the other half and I never noticed it because the difference is literally less than a cm. Was I *ever* swelling? No idea. My mom measured her own legs to show me a difference in the size of your legs was normal, which only kind of comforted me. Briefly wondered if she too was dying and didn't know it. + +Somewhere around this time I thought I had sleep apnea because one night my anxiety was so bad that I was jolting awake every time I started dozing off. This fear faded pretty quickly since my obvious blood clot was my biggest priority. + +After those few days passed, my anxiety finally won the battle, and I went to the ER. Shocking news: I did not have a blood clot in my leg. I thought this confirmation would make me feel better, and it did for a few days. But my (mild, barely noticeable) leg pain persisted and after all my DVT research I decided I was among the extremely rare few who had an inaccurate ultrasound reading. + +6 days after the first ER visit, I had an excruciating muscle spasm in my leg. Surely the blood clot has moved up into my thigh, I thought. This was accompanied by my lower back feeling like it was on fire and the fiery pain radiating down into my leg. My mom once again suggested a pinched nerve. I was in hysterics at this point so I ignored her and went back to the ER. + +They did another ultrasound. It was negative. I had sciatica. Started googling that to make sure it could cause the symptoms I had (it can). The pain was goddamn miserable, but I wasn't going to die. + +You'd think at this point I'd be good, but my mind had other plans. I developed a cough. Welp, the blood clot was real and must have traveled to my lungs. I'm dealing with a pulmonary embolism now and death is imminent. I believed this for a few days before finally accepting that it was fucking ridiculous. + +So after about 3 weeks of this hell I finally moved on from my blood clot obsession and just focused on healing the sciatica. Had a nice 2 weeks or so of feeling like I was back to normal mentally, until this week. + +I had a pain in my lower abdomen. Convinced myself it was a kidney infection. Didn't start off assuming a mostly harmless UTI (or literally any of the many other things that could cause abdominal pain), nah, I went right for the hard hitter. This one could kill me, it's gotta be that one. I considered appendicitis too. + +It was constipation. + +I was hopeful that my life would go back to normal after the whole blood clot disaster, but now I'm worried that it was just the beginning. I *knew* I was being ridiculous when I diagnosed myself with a kidney infection, but there was still that voice in the back of my head saying ""but what if..."". I was still researching, still getting worked up about it. I don't want to be like this. It's humiliating and exhausting.",Anxiety +34789,"Head pulsing from medicine side effects. My suffering started when Doctor prescribed me clonazepam and Gabapentin. I took for just 2 weeks.Ever since I am suffering from lots of side effects. Well many have subsided or disappeared. + +As of now I am suffering from head pulsing, tinnitus and lower back pain. + +I feel my head pulse over pillow. If I try to solve tough questions, my brain starts crashing.it goes black. I cannot explain what is going inside my head . I went to 13 different doctors in past 2 month( I thought I had some rare illness). stopped going after I realised I suffer from medicine side effects. Everyone think it's all happening due to anxiety. +This medication ruined my life. +",Anxiety +34790,"Rabies HA is wrecking me Hey all. So I've been struggling with HA for years now but was really doing a lot better, almost 3 months with no major scares or full on panic attacks or anything. Then a couple days ago I got hit like a ton of bricks. I haven't been able to focus on or accomplish anything for days now and could really use some perspective. + +About three months ago I was bitten on the leg by a small dog while out on a run. It was a small bite, barely broke the skin, and it turned out to be my neighbor's dog. She was very understanding and even emailed me the dog's vaccination records. I also checked in last week and the dog is still alive and well. + +Despite this, I started getting symptoms the other day and I cannot. Stop. Freaking. Out. I keep convincing myself I'm getting pain or tingling near the bite site, plus I have all my usual anxiety symptoms again (nausea, insomnia, loss of appetite, brain fog) which are all signs of rabies onset. I've done all the research, I know there's basically no chance of getting rabies from an animal that's still alive weeks later but nothing will put my mind at ease. I can't shake the feeling that I should have gone to the doctor and gotten shots and now I'm going to die in agony for it. Has anyone else dealt with this? Is there anything I can do to navigate the anxiety surrounding this particularly horrifying disease?",Anxiety +34791,Exhaustion Can health anxiety cause fatigue? My anxiety has been so bad lately and for the past weeks I’ve been exhausted. I’m just tired throughout majority of the day. I went to the doctor for continued back pain today (one reason for anxiety) and my x rays came back all clear but now with this fatigue I’m concerned that it’s a sign for some other illness. I’m only 19 and I’m so tired of all of this. ,Anxiety +34792,"Who else worries about other people too? Does anyone else worry about other people near them getting sick? I was visiting my parents over the holidays and I was worried about my mom. I don't think she goes to the doctor unless something is super wrong but I'm worried she has a brain tumor because she forgot some things I told her. She is also a bit over weight and i was reading that women who are overweight have a higher risk of cancer. I usually see her once a year since I live so far away and it feels like when I see her she is so much older... + +And this week I was worried I have colon cancer. I think it's because I ate a bunch of chick peas and so my stomach hurt. + +I can't stop my mind racing and thinking the worst. ",Anxiety +34793,"Im so tired It's the lymph node again. It's in the armpit again. it's connected to the skin and I know what that means. Maybe I don't but I suspect + +It's been such a relief when it dissapeared after the first time but now it's back again and so everything. I didn't sleep in two days and this is the third. Just why me + +Maybe I should start Xanax or something? Anyone? It's just getting worse and I ran out of ideas",Anxiety +34794,"Trying to keep cool about my gastrointestinal symptoms Yesterday, I woke up with a dry mouth and dry throat. Nothing much. But today, I woke up with the same dry mouth, as well as the need to fart. When I got home, I had some stomach disturbances. It was cramping lightly and it made a lot of noise. I went to the bathroom and found out that I had diarrhea, since my poop is very... loose. Went somewhere after a while and then had to go to the bathroom because of my stomach discomfort. Another loose watery poop. As of this post, my throat is still dry (mouth is okay) regardless of the water I drank today. I took Pepto-Bismol, if that helps. I’m starting to worry a little bit, but a side of me thinks that it’ll be fine.",Anxiety +34795,"My generic eye pain is totally an eye-eating parasite, right? Woke up this morning around 4am to my eye burning like hell, my eye was pouring tears and super sensitive to light, my vision was blurred, and my eyelids felt like they were coated in glass. + +I got pissed, thinking I maybe had pink eye. Waited until 8am to go in to the doctor. By the time I did this, all that was left was a vague shred of soreness and light sensitivity- no more redness or crying. Doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong. + +Cue my anxiety. + +She put me on antibiotic eye drops, and told me to go to an ophthalmologist if it gets worse. + +Fast forward to this evening. The burning is back. Not as bad as before, but it's dull and present. + +And now, I'm freaking out. Hyperventilating, sobbing, posting to reddit. Sounds dumb, I know. But I'm fucking terrified. My vision is everything to me and eye problems freak me out more than anything in the entire world. I keep thinking back to some stupid show I saw where someone contracted acanthamoeba and I'm running through the symptoms non-stop. This guy got it by wearing contacts in the shower? SHIT! I did that three times last week! His eye felt like a foreign object was in it! OH FUCK! ME TOO! + +I know that the symptoms for just about every eye problem include ""red, itchy, burning"" but I'm so fixated on this worst case scenario I'm making myself sick. + +I'll take a thousand nightmares of pregnancy scares and infections that'll kill me over this one. It honestly feels like my life is ending, ha. + +Anyway, I'm not claiming that I have this-- but I've mentally convinced myself that I do. Anyone able to talk some sense into me? + +",Anxiety +34796,"My worry of the week... I’ve been experiencing pain in my left shoulder for about a week. I do have an old injury on it and I sleep on that side mainly. On Friday the pain was so bad it had me in the ER twice. The last time with a shot of Demerol and a heavy duty muscle relaxer. + +I’ve been drugged up most of the weekend, and for the most part the intense pain is gone but what’s left is a weak arm and numbness in my elbow and most of the fingers on my left hand. I see my doc tomorrow. + +It’s likely a pinched nerve or tendinitis. The ER doc said my muscles were tight and the pain was intense spasms (I’m talking worse than childbirth-I’ve had two kids). + +Of course MY brain goes to worst case scenario like cancer and my body is riddled with tumours. The last couple days I’ve had what I think is heartburn and intermittent chest pain, which just fuels my cancer worry. + +Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I’m trying to practice the CBT I’ve learned and steer my thoughts in another direction but it’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. ",Anxiety +34797,"Anyone else have a 'weird feeling' on the left side of their body? Like a sort of 'fullness' or that something is wrong. I've pretty much experienced this since I was an adolescent (I'm 21 now.) So basically, on the left side of my body, specifically the left breast, there is sometimes a benign feeling of 'fullness' and less commonly a dull sort of pain. It doesn't really radiate. Sometimes when it happens and flares up, I feel it the most when I breathe deeply in and out. I do have precordial catch syndrome (which is harmless), but I don't think that's what this is. I'm always convincing myself that it's angina and that I might have a heart attack, but then I remember I've had this feeling for *so long* in my life that I probably should have gotten one by now. Even when I was young, I had an EKG done and everything came back just fine, and a cardiologist I saw was totally convinced that nothing is wrong with me and just sent me on my way. I'm so sick of having this feeling and I don't know what to think of it. And just recently, I've started to have weird sensations on the left side of my left hand, and sometimes below my left breast. There is also a point in my left breast that when I touch and rub, it actually hurts. I'm thinking this may be a muscle strain or tear, but those things don't really last for several years, no? + +To note: this feeling isn't constant, it comes and goes. Even when I forget about it, bam, it just comes out of nowhere. + +I have no other symptoms. Zero breathing problems, no heartburn etc.",Anxiety +34798,"Why do I keep creating problems in my head to get freaked out about? I've had this IRRATIONAL, above and beyond fear of skin cancer for like a year and a half now. I've had several moles, from the littlest freckle to big moles I've always had, that I obsess and get super paranoid about. I'm on mole #8 to freak out about. Part of this is because I still get a small mole/freckle (I'm 23) and I get super paranoid about getting a new one even though my derm tells me that this is normal. I just went to my derm about 3 weeks ago for my annual, there was a spot on my shoulder I was freaked about, ended being a black head, she checked all my other moles and said all was good. NOW, I'm onto two other spots that I am irrationally losing my mind about. I'm going to see my therapist a week from today so hopefully it will help. I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm terrified of everything. ",Anxiety +34799,"Heart problems please help 😔 So iv been having on and off trouble breathing and a racing heart/palpitations for about a month now. I was supposed to have a blood test but I had a panic attack but I had an ECG done and have heard nothing back so I'm guessing it came back OK? + +I'm still getting random palpitations and a racing heart that seems to come and go and I'm so terrified I have something seriously wrong with me. They can come and go at any time of the day at random I'm so scared but apparently ECGs can pick up all sorts of problems? + +Anyone experience symptoms like these for this long? I'm always tempted to rush the the hospital 😢 ",Anxiety +34800,"THIS is why I hate doctors... I’ve found there are two different types of health anxiety. 1. You seek out medical advice for any and all issues or 2. You avoid doctors and tests like the plague because you’re scared of bad results. + +I am #2. 7 years ago, when I was 22, I had an OBGYN who badly needed clients bring me in 4x in a month unnecessarily to test me for slightly “abnormal” results on various things. She told me I could have everything from kidney failure to cervical cancer and kept running test after test. + +Every visit she thought I was something else. I had no symptoms - this all started with amy first annual exam with her. I freaked out so bad that my parents were concerned about my mental well-being. + +I went to my family GP back home, who talked me off a cliff and re-tested me for everything. I was fine. + +Fast forward 7 years. I’m now pregnant. I haven’t been to an OBGYN since that first doctor and am terrified. I was recommended a new OBGYN who was supposed to be really great. I go. I submit routine bloodwork, which was super scary for me due to previous experience. + +I get a call from new OBGYN telling me I tested positive for Hepatitis C, that it is chronic and incurable, and questioned about IV drug use. I run back in for follow up tests to tell me “how bad I have it.” + +Follow up tests show that I do not in fact have Hepatitis C at all. Doctor had failed to tell me the false positive rate is up to 50%. (Oh, and per other doctors, it is curable if I even did have it. There are commercials on TV about said cure for crying out loud!) + +Y’all, I can’t take this s*** anymore. I face my worst fear that I have a serious medical condition I’m unaware of, then I’m told they’ve found an underlying condition that could kill me, and then they TAKE IT ALL BACK. + +I trust one doctor, and one doctor only. That’s my GP and God help me when he retires. :*(",Anxiety +34801,"Weird rash Ugh. I've been really good about my health anxiety lately, but now I get random rashes. I showed my doctor pictures of them last month, and he said they were vascular rashes, and to just call and make an appointment if they happen again. I made an appointment for today, but I'm nervous. They're such weird rashes. I thought they were something with my cycle because the last two times I got them, it was while I was on my period. But I got it again today, and I'm not on my period, so idk what's going on. I went to the allergist a few months ago and don't have food or environmental allergies, so idk what else there is. ",Anxiety +34802,Panic over chest cold and phlegm being stuck Omg having massive anxiety over chest infection and phlegm. I'm so scared I'm going to choke on phlegm it gets stuck in my throat. I'm fighting coughing because I cant catch my breath. I can hear my chest rattling and I feel like I am hyperventilating I'm so scared. ,Anxiety +34803,"Piece of advice, take it how you will. Been suffering bad HA for almost 2 years now, (couldn’t go get my haircut, go out to eat with friends) but recently it seems to be getting better, I’m not even sure if it’s actually getting better, but I’m living with it better. + + +And that’s the 1 piece of advice i wanted to try and give you guys, instead of trying to end the anxiety/panic just let it happen (way easier said than done, takes awhile to learn how) but once i stopped getting angry at the anxiety and just allowed it to happen i swear it got better. I can go out with friends now and i know the anxiety and panic won’t kill me, it’s such a freeing feeling. Trust me i know what you’re going through and it DOES get better. Love y’all ",Anxiety +34804,"Can blood pressure dramatically spike do to anxiety? My blood pressure is always really high at my house, mildly high at the doctors. But I have been admitted to the hospital twice the last month for anxiety related things and my blood pressure is always fine after I’m there for about an hour on there monitors. ",Anxiety +34805,"Worried about Fitbit resting rate So I have been doing really well and going to the gym most days of the week and doing cardio since the week before the New Year. That’s all great, except Fitbit is giving me resting heart rates that are really low compared to what I’m used to. Like, I had been 64-65 and now it’s telling me 59! It’s been steadily dropping since I started exercising, can exercise change your resting heart rate that much that fast? Any insight appreciated! ",Anxiety +34806,"High heart rate I had trouble sleeping last week, I was very sleep deprived but I managed to get back to my normal sleep schedule again since Friday. The problem is I now have a fast heart rate of 90+ all day, even when resting. I was lying on my bed trying to sleep and then sat down to measure it and it gave me readings as high as 107 bpm and as low as 91. I’m worried this will deteriorate my health and give me heart issues. My normal heart rate is in the 75s and below. I wanna see my doctor but I feel he is already tired of me and I feel like I might be wasting his time.",Anxiety +34807,"Pain and consciousness/attention I haven't talked to a doctor about this because I hardly know how to describe it. Just wondering if anyone knows what I'm talking about. + +Sometimes when I get a sudden, brief twinge of pain, it feels like my consciousness shifts. Not like I'm dizzy or faint or anything, but sort of like my train of thought just stops and my attention is immediately focused. It's almost a ""woosh"" feeling. It doesn't happen every time I feel pain, just sometimes. + +Is this normal? Weird? Maybe related to blood pressure? I have no idea.",Anxiety +34808,"FYI... stay away from the Ask Reddit “What was your ‘i can’t believe this is happening right now’ moment?” Thread I read it, and some of the responses. + + + + +Some of the top comments are about people finding out they have cancer. + +now I’m terrified AGAIN that I have cancer. + +Stay away if you haven’t read it yet!",Anxiety +34809,"Dealing with it I have been dealing with HA for the past 2-years. It is nice to realize I am not alone in my struggles. + +Currently have a rough bout with getting over the thought that I may have lung cancer. I am a non-smoker but I constantly am checking my phlegm to see if there is a little bit of blood. I do find very little bits some time but I am sure this is because of my obsessive checking. Been to doctor and had an x-ray but these always seem like bandaids as the feeling comes back after weeks. + +I have been to a therapist and tried doing CBT but I find that my HA can quickly snowball if I do not nip it in the bud early on. Kind of where I feel I am at right now. + +It’s hard on my family and wife. She can tell when I am obsessing and if I talk to her she gets frustrated. Can’t say I blame her I am pretty frustrated with myself. + +Don’t know what I am expecting from this post but it’s nice to be able to just put down some thoughts some where and get them off my chest. I do wonder if my experience echos those of others here, feel free to message me if you would like to chat. ",Anxiety +34810,"I had no idea so many people were like me. Ever since I was 15-16 I had panic attacks from thinking I was having a stroke or heart attacks or cancer etc. First was walking home from school started feeling very thirsty and hot then dizzy called 911 thinking I was dying/ having a heat stroke. Doc told me I had a panic attack. Now I'm 25 and been in and out of work due to my panic attacks or just the anxiety of having panic attacks. Im super depressed and have no drive to be the best me anymore. I feel stuck and like I'll never get better. Pot works wonders but unfortunately I don't live in a legal state. And since I'm looking for a job I can't use it I have to rely on my clonopin which only helps if I catch the panic attack in time. I get pains or find something wrong on my body and assume the worst instantly and go full panic mode. Fucking sucks. It's ruined my life, all I do now is put in job applications and play BFV to keep my mind off my body. Last income I've had was from a guy I used to work concrete construction with who hires me as a ranch hand ever so often but only for about a week a year. My father supports me but I hate relying on him because he barely makes any money doing what he does and we are always short on food because rent and utilities come first. I hate doing this to him. I'm fucking 25 I should be out doing my own think not seizuring out thinking I'm dying 2-4 times a week. ",Anxiety +34811,anybody elses muscles go numb for a split second? sometimes when i laugh or let out gas my muscles go numb for a split second then go back to normal. I just wanted to know if anybody else has this experience because with health anxiety this terrifies me. The numbness is usually near my armpits and shoulders but it still terrifies me. ,Anxiety +34812,"I think my HA is back I was doing well with my HA for the past year. + +From my post history, you can see I had a small episode in December, I had a loss of feeling in my foot that lasted almost all month but I managed to stay chill (my friends freaked out more than I did, and that made me question if I am too chill, but overall I had no panic attacks or sleepless nights or anything). I went to a doctor after it lasted over 10 days and was sure it's just my back. I was prescribed some medicine for two weeks and got better, can feel my leg again. My doctor did schedule MRI for my back just to check why it happened, and since I have a sedentary job and have had minor back pain here and there, I was happy with that. MRI is next week. + +Now, this will get graphic. What is freaking me out right now is my bowel movements. I noticed that my BMs are a bit weird in August, I would get more constipated from time to time, feeling an incomplete evacuation from time to time, and I started to need to go more frequent (sometimes up to 4-5 times per day, usually I'd go 1-2 times per day). Since I was on my ""let's beat HA"" kick, I wrote it off to ""probably not eating as well as I should"" or ""maybe it's stress"". I had no pain or other issues and I had good BMs as well. + +Those symptoms did not go away, I got used to needing to go more often, got used to mild constipation mixed with occasional diarrhea but a month ago I noticed that I often would feel like I need to go but all that would come out would be a few thin pieces. And 10-15 minutes later I would feel like I need to go again. Then every 3-4 days I will get one somewhat bigger, normal-ish BM and would feel better (empty) for one day, then the cycle starts again. So for the last few months, and especially last month, I've had the following symptoms: + +\- Change in the character or frequency of bowel movements + +\- Thin, ribbon-like stools + +\- A sensation of incomplete evacuation after a bowel movement (almost all the time now), persistent urge to have a bowel movement (also almost all the time) + +\- Feeling back pain (could be unrelated, but it is low back pain) + +\- Lately, lots of mucus + +\- Lots of gas + +\- Occasional rectal pain + +\- Very occasional blood (maybe once per two weeks or less) + +My diet hasn't changed, I eat plenty of fiber, I don't eat meat or dairy. I know that as a 29-year-old, I should not be worried about colon cancer. I know my HA probably has made it something it's not. But I think what is freaking me out is not having a ""positive story"" for this. Like for my leg, I could tell myself ""it might be sciatic nerve, chill"", when my chest hurts, I know ""it's probably GERD"" etc. But I don't have a non-threatening explanation for these symptoms so I can feel my HA levels rising. Part of me is still clinging to ""this might be something else, you're fine"" but part of is ""you know what these symptoms mean, don't you"". + +I know that these symptoms are enough to go to a doctor, especially based on how long they have been there. Actually, I might have been stupid by not going to a doctor sooner. But I already have back MRI scheduled and I've been through so many bouts of HA, I know that as soon as my doctor will say something like ""let's get a colonoscopy"", I won't be able to sleep or eat at all. + +I don't really know what's the point of this post, since nobody can tell me what's wrong or what this could be, we're not doctors here and I should talk to mine. I guess I just needed to let it all out and know I am not alone and it fucking sucks to get HA back after a year of normal living. :( + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +34813,"I used to always get migraines on my left side. Lately, it’s switched to my right side? I’m worried because I don’t think it’s normal to switch sides with a migraine. For years it was my left side, but lately the pain has been intense on my right side. Today, it’s been getting really bad for 10 seconds, and then it fades away. Could it be an aneurysm? ",Anxiety +34814,"Hanta Virus Hello, + +About two weeks ago in central Alberta we were cleaning out a rental. I was sick already so just simply crashed on the mattress in the basement with the lights on. + +Last week I seem to have gotten over the initial flue but have started to have headaches, vomiting etc. Sore muscles in my legs and lower back and one hell of a cough. Nothing coming up with the cough and no runny nose or anything. I feel very tired all the time, and it seems to be getting worse. + +Its likely that its just a flu coming back, but am starting to get someone nervous it could be hantaviruous.",Anxiety +34815,"Hi I’m new - hypochondriac for 3 years. Hi everyone I’m 22 years old and have had bad health anxiety for years followed by depression. + +It’s always something new each week, though the symptoms feels very much real and I am convinced there is something going on but I’m not sure what exactly. +I’ve had blood tests which show severe anaemia and low vit D. +These are my main health anxiety I experience a lot - + +• Lymph nodes felt easily everywhere! For 2 years. Main one I worry about is below my right collarbone which is easily felt but moves very freely to the top of my collarbone. (Could probably feel 20 of them) +• Numb body parts that wake me up all the time - Neuropathy issues. +• Obsessed with not having thin stool/blood in stools. +• Pelvic Floor Tension. +• Spider veins +• Recurrent UTIs +• Random muscle aches. +• Specks in vision. (Vision getting worse fast) +• When I get the flu, it’s not a normal “flu” I’m in and out of hospital last time and my immune system catch’s other viruses leaving my feeling like death for over a month (last time my whole right side of body was numb/weak) + +Yeah my life has sucked the last 3-4 years. I’m also scared that there’s something really wrong with me. +I’m obsessed with googling every symptom - linking them all up together. I would try to find reassurance.. I would find an article to reassure me, then leave several pages open to just go back to them when I’m anxious again. I’d search and search til I’m on multiple pages of google. +I have so much medication that doctors throw at me it’s not even funny. + +Thank you all for reading I’m happy I found this group. + +",Anxiety +34816,"I dont know how to live with this It's funny. All of my anxiety centers around my health and possible death and the constant, aching want, to just live. But because I am do anxious all the time, I'm not living. Not really. + +It's been a bad few weeks. I move from the bed to the couch, doing nothing but laying down. I feel hopeless and scared and so sure something is wrong with me that I'm making myself sick. I am so petrified of being sick and dying that its robbing me of my life. + +I'm so scared of not being there for my kids, but I've been so exhausted and scared that I haven't even been angle to properly make them dinners. + +I dont know how to live with this. I dont know how to live with the constant fear that something is wrong. That something is going to rob me of my life...but that's exactly what anxiety abd depression are doing for me now. + +I feel so hopeless. And helpless. And so so tired. ",Anxiety +34817,"Beginning a week of no “Googling” today! Anyone want to join? Title pretty much sums it up. + +After reading some inspirational posts on here from people who conquered their battles with HA, I noticed one of the biggest things they said helped was to stop googling symptoms. So, I’m starting small. One week of no googling. + +I’ve already had the urge about 5 times since I woke up 3 hours ago, lol, but I’m fighting through it. I will be updating this post everyday to say whether I succeeded or not for that given day to keep myself honest. + +I would absolutely LOVE if people on this sub would join me in this “challenge”. If you feel comfortable joining and commenting below that you are doing so, that would be amazing! I think having a sense of community and camaraderie is extremely important. + +I hope this post isn’t breaking any rules! If so, I apologize and will edit accordingly.",Anxiety +34818,"HA Person's Worst Nightmare, But I'm Coping A little about me: I'm vegan, fit, try to avoid processed foods, chemicals, only have monogamous relationships, never had a 1 night stand, etc. I have had health anxiety since I was 19 when I worked in an ER and saw all the terrible things that happen to people. + +So this past weekend I went to a college reunion with people I hadn't seen in 7 years. We went out one night and a friend asked if I smoked, I said no. He handed me his vape and said try this. I did, and hit it a few more times through out the night. + +Well at the end of the reunion weekend he revealed to a friend that he had been HIV+ for several years and currently has his virus controlled and undetectable. + +But needless to say it was a very stressful drive home. I had one of the worst HA freak outs I have had in years and didn't eat for 48 hours I was so nervous. I could hardly get out of bed! + +Thankfully, I have been reassured that HIV is not passed via saliva -- even though I've what if'ed the hell out of the situation. Of course I will still test to confirm, but I learned so much about HIV in particular through this experience, which has helped mitigate my anxiety. ",Anxiety +34819,"Shivering and woke up with numb arm. First before I went to bed my body made some sort of random farting noise while I was moving which worried me because I couldn't figure out what it was. then I wakeup to find my right arm numb and my heart rate briefly sped up. Now I'm twitching instead of shivering, usually the cold does not cause me to react that way. I want to think they are not connected but... ",Anxiety +34820,Do any of you think that your health anxiety is a form of PTSD that occurred after witnessing something happen in your life? I know mine has a lot to do with my dog having a stroke in the middle of the night when I was younger. Had to put her down that morning and the image of her near the bed and how her body was sure as hell scared me. I think I suppressed the fear for so long that my health anxiety just sort of crept up on me,Anxiety +34821,"Im scared im dying, help So, 5-4 days ago i found a lump on my head, as a lot of people in this subreddit do, i searched up about it on Google, i checked every brain cancer that appeared and none were similar to mine. + +then i found symptoms for just overall brain cancer, and right in that evening i started feeling off balance(more like dizzy, light headed, i still walk very well, just don't feel good), i wake up shaking as if im cold, and when i eat, my stomach dies. + +honestly, most things i found about people with the same problem(lump), they are fine. + +but, I don't know, i had a similar problem with a pain in my chest, I thought that i was having an heart attack, because, again, google and it was just an infection in my lung(the doctor also gave me antibiotics) + +i don't know, i think it's just the ""what if"", i still think im going to die. +like, i wouldn't care as much if i was 50, 60, 70 years old, but im fucking 13, and my life was getting better, now i don't even want to go to school. +",Anxiety +34822,"Hantavirus •Female +•29 +•156 lbs +•caucasian +•location is Indiana +•problem has been present for a few minutes +•currently taking Paxil +•no real health issues + +My wife was getting video games out of our closet and sniffed them because she thought they smelled of urine (wanted to make sure the cats didn’t pee on them) she then realized there were mouse turds in the box that the games were in. We are afraid that she has possibly inhaled the hantavirus when she did this. What is the likelihood? Should we be concerned and seek medical help as soon as possible? ",Anxiety +34823,"I got an aneurysm and i'm still alive I feel the need to add a trigger warning to this post. As someone who suffers from HA, I know this post can be scary but if I can be positive about it, you all can! I was diagnosed with brain aneurysm and artery dissections when I was 22, which put me at stroke risk until I was fully healed (which I am now). I will post the full story in the comments. + +It seems that for some of you on here, that is literally your worst fear, I'm here to tell you that even if it does happen, an aneurysm or even a stroke is not a death sentence. In fact, I was healed (with no surgery) within 3 months. The aneurysm had been there for at least 2 months before that and I had no idea, AND I STILL LIVED! The most debilitating part of this? The HA I got from it. It was the darkest 6 months of my life. I was in constant fear of having a stroke despite the blood thinners I was on. I never wanted to be alone anywhere and only felt truly safe with my parents. I had panic attacks all the time. But slowly, I gained more confidence in the functioning abilities of my body. I can honestly say that the HA affected me way more than the neurological symptoms did. So give your bodies more credit and your anxious brains less credit! + +If I can survive an aneurysm and torn artery and only have bits of HA after 2 years, so can you!! + +",Anxiety +34824,"Being persistent with doctors or accepting the 'health anxiety' label and just accepting it? Whats your opinion. So to start off i'm a binge drug user so i occasionally binge on most things meth cocaine heroin etc, so i recently developed health anxiety(apparently) along with lots of pricks and pains in my hands feet eyes pretty much anywhere really nothing chronic but enough to make me panic, so i'm wondering should i persist with doctors to fix this, or just deal with it. I'm so fed up with being afraid once i sat in the hospital emergency room parking lot snorting cocaine waiting for my heart to mess up so they could figure out the problem and fix it(I know that is dumb lol). Just getting desperate and annoyed. Also along with health anxiety my drug use now is almost 0 due to the fear, maybe a good thing? Sure doesn't feel so.",Anxiety +34825,What is the recommended heart exam that can bring me peace? Im tired of worrying and willing to put in some money to make sure everything is fine but I would hate to spend thousands. Is 500$ reasonable for a quality test in the United States (Texas)?,Anxiety +34826,"3 month old corn dog I posted this in r/foodpoisoning but I doubt I'd get any help there. I'm about to have a panic attack over this crap. +I sat down to eat a corn dog. The first bite tasted a little unusual. I brushed it off and ate half the corn dog, when I checked the expiration date. November 2018. The corn dog looked fine other than thick grease coming out of it. Anyway, I have a fear of getting food poisoning, but I'm afraid I'm going to start throwing up later. Anyone know if I should worry about this or you think I'll be fine?",Anxiety +34827,"I’m not super paranoid, but could I be pregnant? So - let me preface this with saying I AM on the pill. I’m too paranoid not to use it, and take it faithfully. Haven’t taken it late since week 1 and it’s currently week 3. It’s the combo pill. +Secondly, why this gives me anxiety - I’m NOT ready to be pregnant. It’s not the right time for me. + +So basically my boyfriend and I did the deed (today) with a condom, but it broke. I’ve been having PMS cramps since around Monday, and my period is due in exactly a week. Is it worth investing in the Plan B pill?",Anxiety +34828,Sharp pain behind breast/under Has anyone ever gotten a sharp/burning sensation under their breast before. It’s not super painful but it just feels really weird. I’m also on my period so idk if that has anything to do with it. Ik reassurance is frowned upon here but I’m just kind of panicking. I’m also a 22 year old female 170 pounds,Anxiety +34829,"Tinnitus thinking, panic attacks. Please help me. I recently came across a video about people ""curing"" their tinnitus temporarily. I had no idea what tinnitus was so I decided to google it. Turns out that I might actually have it myself. I hear a faint high frequency sound everytime I cover my ears with my hands and during complete silence. I always thought it was normal to hear this at times when nothing can be heard. I've had a panic attack since noticing it and noticing that it can't be cured. + +I'm still wondering if I have this and if my head is just making this up.. since I've never ever noticed this before. But I can't stop thinking about it and covering my ears to hear if its still there. I'm terrified and shaking. + +I'm so afraid that I will never be able to not hear this sound now when completely silent. I'm sure that I've had this all my life if I do have this.. but I still wish that I never discovered this disease. Help me, what should I do?? +",Anxiety +34830,"Mental Health +It is time to take a self-compassionate look at how we approach self development and our mental health in 2019. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEfpov1PX_o&t=15s",Anxiety +34831,"Can anxiety give the sensation of food particles sticking in the throat? Over the past week and a half I've been tortured with anxiety of having a tumor in my esophagus. I've had a feeling of a lump in the left side of my throat and it feels like little bits of food (chips, breadcrumbs) are sticking in my throat. Initially this fear came from me overthinking symptoms of something else, and now it feels like there's really something in there. I've seen an ENT and he wants to give me antacids for GERD for a week and see if it makes a difference, couldn't be convinced to give me an endoscopy since I'm young (20) and have obvious symptoms of anxiety, I believe. Could my anxiety just be making me hypersensitive to the swallowing process?",Anxiety +34832,Do you feel like you have a cold? maybe you have something else.... [A girls cold turns out to be a little more](https://people.com/human-interest/laura-nuttall-cold-brain-cancer-tumor/),Anxiety +34833,"Got some kind of norovirus/food poisoning. Still unclear. Currently at the hospital. Scared that is actually rabies. My symptoms are: +Abdominal pain +Nausea +Diarrhea +Fever + + +I am the op of the “stranger’s dog licked my hand”. It was over a month ago. The dog had an owner. But stil.........",Anxiety +34834,"IBS and Other GI Issues...Anyone Else? It's so crazy to me, kind of comforting, that there are 10.8 thousand subscribers. I feel slightly better knowing I'm not alone. + +So onto the issue at hand. I was diagnosed with IBS four years ago. Ever since I have had different episodes of constipation and diarrhea and like such intense gas discomfort that I could feel the spasms in my intestines. I've had an ultrasound to give me peace of mind that my abdomen is clear of anything sketchy. + +About a week ago I had an outpatient procedure done and needed to take a high dose of antibiotics. 1000mg of aziththromycin. Well, I have been so constipated and I mean my water intake hasn't been the best, I have been super stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, my diet hasn't been great...it's been mostly in n out, pizza, etc...and yesterday I started feeling this weird pressure/uncomfortable pain in my actual butt. Like the same muscles I use to pee operates that back there too I think and it feels just not great when I pee or sit down too hard, etc. Has anyone ever felt this way? I've been able to pass a little bit of poo but not much. Really trying to talk myself off the anxiety ledge thinking of bowel cancer, or if the fibroid I just found out about 5 days ago might have super grown and impacted my colon...I am a straight mess guys. Any input would be great. ",Anxiety +34835,"Does this just sound like anxiety/depression? Hey! I know you guys arent doctors, and I am waiting for a call back from psychiatrists, but I was wondering if any of you guys have had similar symptoms and could give me some insight. + +I feel like the way most people describe there anxiety is a lot different than how mine feels. + +&#x200B; + +Sometimes I just get these episode where everything gets ""scary."" I just feel confused and very on edge and everything makes me jumpy. My life feels almost like a horror movie during these times. Usually a small sound (such as my fridge, PC, anything really) will seem to grow louder and seem eerie/spooky. My thoughts go down this loop of ""Do I have some sort of serious chronic mental illness, will I feel this way forever, will it get worse?"" And of course I try to shut these thoughts down and sometimes can, but the feelings are still there and very real. Sometimes I get very weird (and super brief) thoughts of doing rash things (flipping the fuck out on my grandma for example). It feels like there's an anchor in my stomach and sometimes, but not usually, Ill get shaky and have heart palpitations. These episodes last for well over 15 minutes and I never feel normal afterwards so I get annoyed when people label them as simple panic attacks, because they way other people describe there's, I feel as though mine are a lot different. + +&#x200B; + +Another thing to add, is over the summer I did acid for the first time, and I always read that acid will onset any mental illness you are going to get in the future. So I often fear that I did acid and fucked myself over because of it, but nobody on either side of the family has a history of schizophrenia or anything of the sort. + +&#x200B; + +If anyone could give me some insight, or share what their crippling anxiety feels like I would love to hear it. Thanks guys -nn",Anxiety +34836,"2019 resolutions With my extreme hypercodria / ha my goals are simple but hard . Note I'm in constant fesr of having s heartattack / stroke + +- exercise again +- get out of breath while running and not panic +- less Er visits +- be able to travel without wondering where the closest hospital is or medical help +- be alone and not fear that no one is here to call me an ambulance +- go to more parties and get out more +- beat the shit outa anxiety",Anxiety +34837,"Anyone else always seem to see news articles on what your scared of? I have only been up an hour and so far on Facebook I have seen two news articles on brain cancer. One titled “girl diagnosed with terminal brain cancel after routine eye exam” which is absolutely my worst fear so now I’m convinced it will happen to me. A lot of my anxiety is centred around brain tumours especially around symptoms with my eyes. + +And then a few weeks ago I also kept get recommended on my YouTube “girl plays guitar during brain surgery” then a week later the same thing but with a guy. How do you not see this as “signs” that you have that too? One article has literally ruined my whole day now.",Anxiety +34838,"Avoid r/explainlikeimfive Friends, don't read the post about ""how can a seemingly healthy person die of heart disease"" in r/explainlikeimfive. Luckily I stopped myself before I read it and came up with 500 new ways to suddenly drop dead. Advise you friends do the same thing.",Anxiety +34839,I started the mini pill and I’m worried about seizures... This sounds so weird but that’s HA. I started the mini pill and I read on the pamphlet that it’s contraindicated for anyone who has a seizure disorder. I don’t have one but I’m worried it will provoke one. I need assistance rationalizing this. It sounds stupid but part of me says what if. I don’t even know if that can happen. ,Anxiety +34840,"Off balanced I’ve had the offbalanced feeling for a few months now. My family doc says it’s an inner ear thing, and just instructed me to put drops of oil in my ear every night.... anyone else have this?? + +Sometimes my eyes go blurry for a bit... + +I can’t tell if it’s my anxiety or not, because I know those are symptoms :( ",Anxiety +34841,"I am so worried... 23yo male I lay in bed every night feeling these little pains. I think it’s my wisdom teeth being impacted but my neck is so stiff, it’s always been hard as a rock for some reason on my left side. But I feel in my jaw and in my temple these pains and ALL I CAN THINK is blood clot blood clot blood clot. That and I’m just tired all the time and I’ve quite a lot of brain fog lately, though I blame depression and incessant alcohol consumption.",Anxiety +34842,"flu season destroys me Hey everyone, + +I have been a lurker for a while on this subreddit but I struggle so badly with HA, + +flu season is what does me in, I have emetephobia as well but flu season makes me agoraphobic at times. + +Every single winter for the last three years I am burning my hands with sanitizer and if I hear I was near someone with the flu I will nearly throw up from a panic attack and sometimes panic so hard I am sweating and coming down with flu symptoms just from anxiety alone. + +&#x200B; + +I do not understand why my fear of the flu is so intense, I have no idea how to make it less intense, and last years flu season was so scary I feel like I will never recover from the fear. + +I was at the doctor today for a cough that won't quit and a sinus infection and somebody with the flu who tested positive was there....I am now nauseous with the thought i may get it. + +&#x200B; + +I know we all struggle so badly, but does anybody have any tips for dealing with severe anxiety the flu? + +I am terrified I will get it and die, and if I get it I will panic about dying the entire time and make it worse. + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for reading this.",Anxiety +34843,"Travelling soon and I have a cold and I feel like things are gonna go wrong there. Have you guys ever felt like this and can you comfort me please, I cant handle this.",Anxiety +34844,"I'm spiraling right now. What do you guys do. How do you cope with it. Just need a shoulder to lean on, and a friend to talk to. Recently just moved to a new city for a new job, and I am all by myself in my apartment. I don't have furniture yet and I am still sleeping in an air mattress right before I moved I had a muscle strain and the doctor prescribed me a short dose of prednisone. I started to get real bad side effects at the end of the course and my blood pressure is shot up. Went to the ER and was told not stress out and that it was just anxiety and the drug clearing my system. My intial BP when they took it was 180/97 and thenback secs later dropped to 163/93I was thirsty and urinating all the time. I was convinced I had diabetes and high blood pressure. All while moving to a new city & new job. Then began experiencing really bad heart issues coupled high blood pressure. Tried to just relax but still stressing. Then yesterday had a blood in my nose all day which freaked me out so much. I stupidly kept picking at it with my finger to check throughout the day. It never ended, had blood in my nose from 8am to 5pm was freaked out went to the ER doctor prescribes me a bunch of antibiotics and steroids. Looking back I am in shock on how I just kept sticking my finger in my nose because I was so anxious. Now I am hardcore stressing over catching MRSA or staph because didn't wash my hands before and was in the hospital. Then today, spit up blood that lasted for about 30 mins. Thought I was dying. Called 911 Em's came and they were not to concerned looking at the amount of blood the fact that I was being treated for blood in nose. I'm currently convinced right now that I have a deadly bacterial infection and will die this weekend all while having high blood pressure. Reading consistently is 145-155ish/over 95-80ish range. I have always been 120/70. Can stress keep this Bo so high for weeks on end. I have no friends here yet and family is across the country. Help I'm destroying my life with this.",Anxiety +34845,"Tuna? I’ve been trying to eat healthy so I purchased a four pack of tuna. I have already finished the container in the week, and now lil old me is freaking out about Mercury poisoning! Ugh. + +Is four servings of tuna in a week gonna make me sick?? Ugh this sucks ",Anxiety +34846,"I need help getting over my fear of diseases like ALS I am 27 years old and have had a morbid fear of certain diseases like ALS that will dominate my thoughts sometimes. I first started to really fear ALS after watching a movie on Lou Gehrig 10+ years ago. I’ve never known anyone personally who has ever had ALS. Every once in a while, I will go through a period where I just think almost constantly about it. The reason why I’m afraid of ALS is because it’s so terrible and as a white male who is decently athletic, I am technically considered more at risk than other demographics. I know 40-60 is when most people are diagnosed and I don’t want to be thinking about ALS for the rest of my life.",Anxiety +34847,"Something that is really, really helping me get over my HA Hi guys, I'm a longtime sufferer of panic attacks and my health anxiety had gotten out of control. A long time ago, a psychiatrist told me to read a book called Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes. I did not read it back then, but just recently picked it up. It's an old Australian book (first published in 1969) but it has been EXTREMELY helpful for me. I'm also on medication, and I can't recommend antidepressants for HA enough, but give this book a try. It's only 8 bucks on Amazon, so it's not a huge investment. I hope this post helps someone out there! ",Anxiety +34848,"Humming feeling in right side of the chest Hey guys, I'm in full on panic mode right now and I feel like shit because of it. + + +As of yesterday I noticed some weird humming that happens a couple of times a day, sort of like when you have the flu and hear that ""motorized"" breathing, except there's no snot and I don't feel sick. + + +At first I thought it was really a snot deep down but then I noticed it happened when I wasn't breathing meaning it's not even connected to that. + + +Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? Lately my eye is twitching like crazy, could it be connected to magnesium deficiency? Thanks",Anxiety +34849,"I've never had an ulcer and can't remember the last time I had acid reflux. Upper stomach pain... brain says cancer, logic says acid reflux or ulcer. Help? Mostly asking what an ulcer really feels like. + + I've never had one before as far as I know (I'm 29) and have never been diagnosed with one. But then again, because of insurance issues, I've not really been able to see a doctor in like. Years. It's ridiculous. Long story. Anyway, I'm hoping to get insurance and be able to at least be seen within the next few months. Until then, though, reassurance is kind of all I can get. + +I know what that sharp burning acid reflux feels like, I used to get it sometimes in high school, but generally, I don't ever experience that. I honestly can't remember the last time I got that sickly, burning acid reflux feeling. My diet's really bland out of preference (mostly vegetarian / some, but not a lot of meat) which I think contributes to a lot of my inexperience with acid reflux. + +I have pain in my upper abdomen, right in the middle. I can't tell if I'm feeling it in my esophagus, liver or upper stomach. It feels very close to the surface and hurts when I push on it. It doesn't really feel like the way acid does when it trickles up into the esophagus. The pain worsens when I have gas and eases up when that passes. It's dull and honestly easy enough to just work through, but the fact that I've been having it almost every day for a couple of weeks now concerns me. + +Doesn't hurt to breathe. Just this dull ache ranging from annoying to actually kind of ouch, but still not enough to vocalise about. Just concerning because it keeps happening. + +I used to drink a couple beers every night but now have since eliminated that to see if it makes a difference (I can't tell if it helps. Feels the same as when I drank every night.) + +Is it possible that this is just acid reflux and that it can feel different from the hot burning feeling in the heart area? + +Does this sound more like an ulcer? + +For what it's worth, I think I'm in fairly good health—just underweight (95lbs, 5'4"", Female) with no family history of cancer (but I recently learned I have a family history of gall bladder problems.) Mildly sedentary activity levels (work a desk job and tend to spend a lot of time writing at my computer while at home.) + +Any advice to tide me over until insurance comes through would rock. Thank you so much for reading.",Anxiety +34850,Need medication to help get myself over health anxiety. Do any of you have any suggestions? Title says it all,Anxiety +34851,"Glass baby food jar thrown at me hit back of my head should I be concerned? I was standing about 9 feet from my gf we were arguing and she threw a baby food jar at me hitting the top left back of my head. + +How do I know if its serious? No blood but a golf ball size lump and I feel fine but it hurts still. ",Anxiety +34852,Literally freaking out about basically nothing I’ve been going pretty good not worrying about any health related things and feeling great until today at work and I had a bit of indigestion when I got to work because I’ve changed my diet and drink the man shake every morning and this morning I drank it way to fast thus resulting in quite a bit of burning in my throat. About an hour later I got a shooting chest pain which I know would of been caused by the indigestion but whenever it happens I can’t shake the feeling it’s something else. Then throughout the day I get these nose twitches and got a fuzzy feeling between my eyes which I’m assuming is caused by the anxiety but thinking about it just gives me more anxiety. Big fun ,Anxiety +34853,"This has become devastating. m(24)So. I’ve always been a worrier. Worried about everything since I was little. I’ve struggled with OCD, and anxious thoughts for a long time. However, it seems that since a ER visit in the summer, I’ve been super aware of aches and pains more than I have in the past. It had led me down a road of constant deliberations on my own health. I have dealt with chest pain, lower-extremity pain, and seemingly much more. + +December was a rough month for me. A lot of stress about jobs and life changes. However, it seemed my health anxiety became insane. Heartburn ruined my Christmas. I have become so anxious. + +However, I am seemingly now facing my biggest challenge yet. For about a week now, possibly two. I have felt a small fluttering in my right abdomen. I have also been bloated and am constipated. I think it’s important to mention, I am not the best eater. Missing meals, not eating enough, eating one large meal a day, reliance on cereal. However, I went to see the doctor and she had said it was constipation. She prescribed some glyencol and said to up my fiber, and improve my diet. However, my intestines in the last three days have begun to contract or spasm. Almost like waves reverberating inside me. It’s not entirely stopping me from living, but it’s simply awful to feel. So now I fear the worst. I just want to live my life. The saddest part about HA is the fear that something could be wrong. I just needed to vent. This subreddit has been helpful. Thank you. ",Anxiety +34854,"How do you get past the physical symptoms? Currently sitting in the bathroom hiding from my kids and crying. Whenever I get panicky or anxious, I always feel like I’m going to pass out/die. It will feel like I’m suffocating. It’s like it will start from my feet and go to my head. Then I get that lovely impending doom feeling, some serious derealization, then it’s game over. I will freak out, try to escape from wherever I am. They are so fun when you’re driving 🙃 I feel physically ill 24/7. I’m talking weak legs, arms, nauseous, brain fog (really bad). I visited the doctor 6 times last year, and also had 3 ER visits. Everything is always “anxiety”. Well, today I’m trying to catch up on housework (my family got hit by a really bad bug, sinus infections, strep throat) and I feel too weak to do anything! I’m shaking right now. I don’t know if I need to eat or something, or I’m about to keel over! My dr says I need medication at this point, because I am completely agoraphobic. I notice every twinge within my body. I’m feeling so helpless at this point, I can’t live like this anymore. Can you guys help me please? I know I need to help myself. It’s just hard. 😭",Anxiety +34855,"I am literally at my breaking point. I seriously don’t know what to do or even where to begin with all of this. Please bear with me, I know I’m likely going to be all over the place. + +Ok, for starters I am a 38 year old female with a pretty lengthy history of health anxiety, regular anxiety - if it’s anxiety related, I probably suffer from it. I worry about EVERYTHING. It’s as if I just get a simple thought in my head I have to run with it to the extreme. I have had every disease imaginable. MS, multiple types of cancer, the list could go on forever.... + +I see a psychiatric NP who has tried to put me on some different medication, which I cannot take. Once I read the side effects forget it. All bets are off and I just suffer. I do take a low dose of Xanax, which helps me in the midst of a really bad time, but I haven’t taken anything long term. I’ve seen therapists in the past and to be honest they were not that helpful. I assume just not the right fit or whatnot. + +Usually when my HA hits it will last for a couple of weeks or so and then I get over whatever my problem is at that time. I’ll do ok for a while and then it’ll dawn on me that, wow, I’ve been feeling pretty good lately! That’s when my brain is like “here, hold my beer”. Then all fucking hell breaks loose... which leads me to today. + +I’ve been having stomach issues for a while now. A variety of symptoms that are all over the place. I went to my GP who did bloodwork. According to them, it was normal. I saw a gastroenterologist yesterday who isn’t overly concerned, but we’re doing an ultrasound and an endoscopy to just rule stuff out. Great. + +When I was at my GP appointment she asked me a bunch of questions. Blood in stool? No. Night sweats? No..... Wait, after I thought about this I realized I DO get night sweats sometimes. It’s not all the time, but it’s definitely happened a handful of times that I can remember. Like pretty bad too. Of course I didn’t tell her this because by the time I remembered I was long gone. What could night sweats possibly mean? Don’t worry - Dr. Google to the rescue. Lymphoma, leukemia?! Wtf. Now I’m losing my mind with worry. + +Next up. I have this weird hard area in my mouth. Looks like a mandibular tori. Of course I’m freaking out about this too. I go to the dentist religiously and I’m going to call them Monday morning just to make sure but in the meantime I’m seriously losing it. + +I’m so concerned about my mental health. I need help. The only good thing about any of this is... I took half a pill of the lexapro I was prescribed that has been sitting on my nightstand for the last 6 months. I know it’s not doing anything right now, but I at least took it which is a huge step for me. + +All I can do is hope for peace and try to find a way to enjoy my life. I want to live! I am just debilitated and heated down by my anxiety. If it even is anxiety and not some terrible disease after all. + +Honestly, I just want to know I’m not alone in the way I feel. And I feel completely and utterly alone. Nobody understands. If you suffer from HA, or my ridiculous story is at all relatable to you, please by all means I would love to hear what you have to say. I just want to feel better. Thanks ",Anxiety +34856,"How do get over mild hearing loss in right ear? I've been crying and depressed. I've had health anxiety for a long time, but none of my fears have come true until now. It all started when I saw a video of tinnitus sufferers getting a temporary relief. I had no idea what tinnitus was so I googled it. Turns out I have a mild form of that and hearing things when it's quiet is not normal, it's tinnitus. I was shocked since I've had that ALL my life. I remember hearing the ""sound of silence"" AKA the ringing in my ears since I was very young. I was really shocked and scared at that time, since I never noticed this before. But that's not the peak of my misery. I read that tinnitus is often accompanied with hearing loss in any way. I then did countless online tests and always came back with the top score. + +However, I found an app that makes an audiogram of separate ears and how much hearing loss you have in them. I got my results and they said I had mild hearing loss in my right ear in the mid-range frequencies (but not the higher ones). I didn't think much of it at first until I tried blocking each ear individually to see if there was any difference in hearing and now I can hear a magnificent difference. My right hear is more muffled when I block out my left ear and my left ear sounds perfect. + +How do I get over this? I got out of my depressive state around 6 months ago and have been doing so good since.. until I noticed all of this. I don't feel normal. I feel like I'm handicapped now and PERMANENTLY. This word is what makes all this so scary.. permanent. Means that I will NEVER hear normally in the right ear and this devastates me. Might devastate me more than the average person since I make music and music used to be a big part of my coping mechanism with depression. Please help how I can get over this, I can't accept that I have hearing loss even though it's mild. I don't know what to do. I can't afford a counselor and I don't want to tell my parents about this. I feel suicidal.",Anxiety +34857,"Hair loss I am 17 years old and luckily I do not experience hair loss. However, I sporadically drink alcohol and smoke. I find myself at a party about every two months where I drink not more than seven 30ml vodka glasses and smoke six cigarettes. Not more than that though. My question is, given my age and the quantity, can it affect my hair more than it would affect a completely grown man's? +",Anxiety +34858,"Trouble Swallowing Sup y’all I’m 30 y/o and not sure what’s going on with me. I’ve had severe anxiety for the past 2 years, my body is constantly sending weird symptoms which throw me into complete panic. + +My latest worry is chest pain. Feels like food is getting stuck in my chest, like it’s not going all the way into my stomach and it’ll cause my chest to hurt for hours until I have to eat again. I don’t have any choking but I can literally feel the food traveling down my chest. Anyone else ever experience this? ",Anxiety +34859,"Cystic pimple between eyebrows For about a few weeks now, I've had an enormous pimple between my brows. It's roughly the size of a dime and it's really inflammed. No matter what acne treatment I apply on it it just keeps getting bigger. I have this huge anxiety it will just spread to my brain or something and kill me. I'm really in need of some help right now I haven't slept in days due to feeling like I'll die in my sleep over all this.",Anxiety +34860,"Lump in back? On one side of my back (lower, left side) I’ve noticed if I take my fingers and dig them in and slide them upward I can feel this little like... hump, I guess? Like it’s no a solid knot and it doesn’t stick out from my skin at all, I would have never found it. It freaks me out because I don’t have one on the other side. + +I’ve had two other people feel for me and they swear they don’t feel anything. I have a stretch mark literally right above it, but this feels like it’s under the skin. I have to really search for it to find it. + +I’m 18 and make if that helps, I really just posted because if look up anything about a back hump it gives you things like a sarcoma or bone cancer or something 😩I been feeling my back so constantly that it’s making it sore which just freaks me out more. I would go to the doctor but I literally just went for something else not even a week ago and she already thinks I’m a bit overboard on the HA stuff 😂 plus apparently nobody else can feel anything 🤷‍♂️ + +I just wondered if anybody else has this? +",Anxiety +34861,"Endocrine pancreas insufficiency concern!!!!! \- So I got diagnosed with IBS, and it was really bad at some point but it has gotten better but still there ( 3 months). What is weird is It gets better whenever i have diarrhea and my body empties out, is that normal first off? Main Problem is that I have a lot of fat in my stool when I have this diarrhea. When the stool is solid I don't see fat in there but who knows maybe. Should this finding be concerning for EPI",Anxiety +34862,Blood panel completely normal except bilirubin Just got out of the ER. My bilirubin came out slightly elevated. Its 2.1. It was 1.7 in August. Today the doctor said all the liver enzymes are within normal range except bilirubin and hence she can’t really tell what’s really going on. She asked me to consult with my GI doctor. Anyone had this kind of experience with bilirubin?,Anxiety +34863,"I’m not sure if I’m anxious or allergic to alcohol Pretty much title says it all. I recently started drinking [17M] and I was fine in the beginning. I could drinking beer and liquor and not get sick. Within the past 4 months, every single time I’ve drank I’ve gotten sick. I’m 100% sure I’m not drinking too much because I had maybe one shot and still threw up. When I throw up I start shaking uncontrollably and my face and hands go numb/pins and needles. I’m able to go to parties and I’m fine as long as I don’t drink. But if I have even one drink I will throw everything up. If anyone has any idea please let me know bc it’s really frustrating. + +Tl;dr: every time I drink I throw up and it’s not because I’m drinking too much ",Anxiety +34864,"Anyone notice that health problems naturally ebb and flow? Just with the passage of time I've had things I thought to be major problems like dry/itchy eyes, leg edema, blurry vision, armpit sweating/hyperhydrosis, allergies/allergic shiners, constant anxiety, etc. completely disappear and/or return with the passage of time. + +Kind of makes me think worrying about things as long as the Dr. says everything is OK and nothing major is going on is pointless as things just ebb and flow naturally. + +Anyone else notice anything similar?",Anxiety +34865,"Terrified of 'Venous Leak' Hello, + +I'm turning 21 in April and I've struggled with health anxiety for past 3 and a half years. Recently I've been getting better and even managed to get myself into a relationahip which was great. + +The thing is, two weeks ago I noticed that I seem to struggle with getting/keeping erections. So I obviously started Googling, which was not helpful(as always) as it said its mostly thing old guys get and so on. What it did notice was a terrifying thing called Venous Leak, which means your veins can't trap blood for erection, there is no fix for that and you're doomed. So I started stressing over this so badly, I wanted to know everything about it, thing is, out of all my health scares, I never seen a condition so poorly reported, there is very little information about it and no statistics and contradicting facts, which is fueling my anxiety even more. + +So I'm sitting here worrying that surely I must have it and seeing it seems to be very unknown I definitely have it. Has anyone heard or knows more about this? +",Anxiety +34866,"I have a doctors appointment tomorrow that I’ve rescheduled once already out of fear. I am petrified of getting bad news. Haven’t been myself all weekend out of fear. I have a (ladies stuff) doctors appointment tomorrow morning & am terrified. I’ve rescheduled it once already out of fear but decided to bite the bullet & actually go. It’s been two years & I just need an annual exam/check up. + +So what am I so afraid of? Because you hear these stories of women (or anyone) going for a checkup & bam! cancer. Or having to have more tests taken & play the two week before results waiting game. I don’t think my anxious mind could handle that. + +I feel deep down that it might turn out fine but my “what if” thoughts keep finding ways to justify my fear and extreme anxiety over this. Which in turn, makes me fear the absolute worst case scenario. + +I just needed to vent. ",Anxiety +34867,"Blind Spots Ever since being diagnosed with drusen on my retina, I've noticed my blindspots filling in when moving my eyes. + +Anyone else get this? + +Seems to be worse when stressed out or anxious about my longterm eye health.",Anxiety +34868,"Advice for heart attack anxiety with hangovers? I slept pretty badly last night. First time I've had a hangover (and honestly it's very mild). I woke up with heart burn, chest pain, and a pain in my neck/ back. It won't away after a moment but it convinced me I might be having a heart attack. Now, I'm mildly nauseous when I stand up, which gives me some chest pressure, which freaks me out. That makes it hard to breathe, and causes typical anxiety symptoms (which also feel like heart attack symptoms!) + +I'm doing a little better since I woke up my SO to keep me company, and humming sort of makes the anxiety go away because I can feel the hum in my chest. Does anyone have any advice that's helped them in the past with this?",Anxiety +34869,"Booked a health test - total regression Hi, +I've experienced health anxiety on and off for most of my life. It has become a lot better over the years and I have found ways to cope and calm myself down. I'm not the HA-type that goes to doctors a lot - actually almost never - partly because my ""rational"" part knows that it's just HA and partly because it's so crazy expensive. My main tools for managing HA has been ""act normal"" (even if I feel worried and obsess, do not take action - don't look for reassurance, don't see a doctor, don't google - don't feed the monster), setting a specific time when it's ok to worry (""between 6-7 at night, worry time. At other times, just postpone it."") and writing down what I worry about. It's been going well for the last few years and I almost considered myself ""cured"". +Until I decided to go for an extensive health check with a battery of tests. There's no particular symptom that brought on this, just that it's something I should start doing regularly at my age. What normal people do. However, as soon as I booked the test and got the list of tests, HA totally exploded. In a way worse than the usual HA where I used to focus on just a few illnesses - now I basically convinced that with that many tests and possible cancers, I must check positive for at least one! Has anyone else experience this kind of setback and how did you cope? I still have two-three more weeks before the results.",Anxiety +34870,"Having a bit of a health scare right now, could use some help making sure this doesn't spiral out of control. Hi everyone, new here, but could use some help. + +I am a 27 year old male. I have a history of health anxiety/hypochondria and I also have an undiagnosed chronic inflammatory pain condition. I also have GERD and barrett's esophagus. + +I stopped taking the prilosec I was taking for my GERD and also haven't been to a doctor in about 4 or 5 years to get an endoscopy. For those of you who don't know Barrett's Esophagus is a precancerous condition. This is also where the concern comes in. + +I drink pretty heavily, not everyday, but definitely on weekends, and I also smoke socially. + +Leading up to New Year's I started noticing that I could feel liquids going down into my stomach a little more than usual. This was a little alarming, then my GERD started getting worse. Then I started having problems swallowing and then I completely lost my appetite. I've been struggling with appetite loss and swallowing problems for a couple weeks now. + +Now when you google the symptoms these are all common symptoms of Esophageal cancer. This is where the fun has begun. I don't know where the cycle started, but I am thoroughly convinced I have cancer at this point. + +I've made a doctor's appointment to my primary, and asked for a referral to a Gastroenterologist. Gastroenterologist office says they are ""reviewing my file"" so I can't make an appointment yet. This concerns me, dont want to jump through hoops because part of my file is missing. + +In the meantime, I'm just trying to get through the days. Super hungry, but zero appetite so I've been forcing myself to eat which is awful. But I also feel like I've been worrying myself to death thinking it's cancer and spending time on my phone ""researching"". + +What can I do? Tonight I was going to take a xanax, turn my phone off and watch a movie to try and calm myself down, but I didn't end up doing that. I just ended up looking at more esophageal cancer stuff. + +How do I stop worrying about this until I get my doctor appointments. It might be a month or two at this rate before I get an endoscopy! ",Anxiety +34871,Does anyone want to be reassurance buddies? Sometimes I just need someone to call/message/be present with me when I'm worried I'll have an allergic reaction or start experiencing strange symptoms. We can message through here.,Anxiety +34872,"Lymph node just...gone? 21M, I’ve been worried about lymphoma for over a year now. I had a lump in my armpit that I didn’t know if it was a lymph node/cyst/muscle/nothing at all for over a year. It never grew, changed, anything. I check it from time to time and get anxious once in a while, but have gotten it relatively under control (the anxiety). + +Anyways, I go to the gym today like any other normal day, come home to shower and it’s....not there? I cracked my shoulder at the gym but nothing else out of the ordinary (I did work shoulders) and it’s just not sticking out like it did, and I’m thoroughly confused and quite honestly anxious for no reason at all. I have been dealing with a shoulder injury for as long as I can remember as well. + +Where did it go? Was it not a lymph node then? It’s still the slightest bit asymmetrical from my right armpit, but not like usual. Was it likely not even a lymph node then? + +I’ve been told that if it remained unchanged for so long (14 months from noticing it) that it’s either unlikely a lymph node or just a shotty one. It’s rare that lymphoma would leave the same node unchanged for such a long time I was told. ",Anxiety +34873,"Young adult cancers?? How are people with HA suppose to cope with their disorders when there are constant stories about young adults getting “rare” cancers and reading articles that say certain cancers such as bowel/colon and brain cancers are increasing. Telling yourself “I’m too young” is apparently not good enough anymore as being young doesn’t matter to these cancers. + +I swear, I’ve been handling my HA lately but reading about this stuff or it popping up on YouTube/Facebook, it’s hard to cope.",Anxiety +34874,"hantavirus?!? hello fellow reddit people. i go over to my boyfriends every weekend and i think it was the 29th of december when i went to start packing, i opened the dresser and seen that the mice chewed through some wood and shit everywhere. one shirt had a massive pile of crap and wood shavings on it and got all through my clothes. so i just started taking them all out except for the one shirt that had the most droppings. i haven’t open the closet till i needed a shirt tuesday, put it on and forgot about the mice poop but i didn’t think much of it. i got really bummed thinking about how pretty much all my clothes were destroyed with mice feces and urine (i’ll admit i let them go for about a week). so last night i put gloves on and put all my clothes in trash bags. i threw away the shirt that had the main crap on it. then i started vacuuming out my drawers with a shirt tied around my neck cause i was scared to breathe it in. then of course i got online and started reading about the virus and began to go into panic mode. i read that if you vacuumed the poop up it can become airborne but i didn’t worry about that until after i started overthinking. i slept two hours because i was so terrified that i was gonna die in my sleep. this morning i got so frightened with getting the ‘hantavirus’ that i immediately went to the ER and they took my blood, urine and an EKG. the tests came back fine turns out i’m just dehydrated. yet my anxiety still is causing me to freak out and constantly thing i have the virus. i’m scared to death (literally). my anxiety is making me think also that they misdiagnosed me which happens a lot with this disease. my boyfriend and many people have reassured me that i’m okay and that i didn’t get the virus yet idk if it’s my anxiety mimicking the symptoms of the virus or what but i’m very positive that i will be dead soon. i just need some opinions from strangers i guess?",Anxiety +34875,Weird heart pounding Anyone else experience this? I’m laying down and I can feel my heart beat and every so often one of the beats kinda feels like a pop? Idk how else to explain it. It could also be my acid reflux but it feels like it’s my heart beat. I’ve had anxiety all day so idk if this is normal or not,Anxiety +34876,"Post Partum Health Anxiety? Did anyone's health anxiety stem from having a baby? I was about one year PP when this all began, but never attributed it to childbirth. I recently found an article that says it can be caused by that. I've found lots of other posts on baby forums talking about it, but no medical research. I'm going to see a counselor for the first time next week so I'm trying to do my homework if I feel as though postpartum depression and anxiety might be a factor here. + +Also, hi! This is my first post. I'm a recent victim of HA, as it began for me around 3 months ago. I've been completely debilitated since then. Very hard to take care of 2 kids when I'm at my worst. Really looking for support and faith that there's a cure for feeling this way.",Anxiety +34877,"Trouble getting deep breath? I’ve had trouble getting a deep breath throughout my whole life but for the last few years I feel like it never goes away. I honestly can’t live like this anymore. + +I just went to see a pulmonologist and a cardiologist and everything came back fine. I know I have gastric issue (hiatal hernia) and that can be the cause but I barely even feel like I have reflux so why would the main symptom be this breathing issue? + +Right now my mind is fixated on this MS “hug” and I have now convinced myself I have MS. I need to schedule an MRI or I won’t be able to get past this. + +Has anyone else had this “air hunger” trouble getting a deep breath issue and actually solved it?",Anxiety +34878,"""Becoming an expert in drowning won't make you an expert in swimming."" From this day on I vow to myself to: +1. Stop googling symptoms +2. Stop checking symptoms +3. Stop going to the doctor for every abnormality I think I find - wait 2 weeks +4. Stop going to the ER - if it's not really urgent +5. Stop searching for affirmations +______________________________________________ +I am posting this so I can get back to this every time I feel like slipping, so I remind myself of the promises I made and I intend to keep! +Let's take back control of our lives! Who's with me?! ",Anxiety +34879,"Rabies HA is driving me batty Hi fellow anxiety sufferers + +&#x200B; + +I've been good for months but my HA has decided to welcome the new year with a flare up. A few nights ago I was reading in my bedroom with the window open, when I heard some rustling/flapping at the curtain. I went to take a look and couldn't see anything except for two large geckos. I guess they could have been chasing each other on the curtain, causing the rustling, but who knows. + +&#x200B; + +Anyway, I went back to the bed and was facing away from the window with my hand resting behind my head, when I felt a sharp sensation in one of my fingers. I looked around and couldn't see anything, and there were no puncture wounds or marks on my hand. + +&#x200B; + +Long story kinda short, I've convinced myself that a rabid bat flew into my room, snuck up on me, nipped my finger and then ninja'ed itself away – this despite there being no actual sighting of a bat or any wound. + +&#x200B; + +I realise how irrational and ridiculous this all sounds, but nonetheless, the fear of dying from rabies is real and it's driving me a little nutty. + +&#x200B; + +Just to mention that I don't live in a rabies hot spot, the incidence of rabies in humans from bat bites in my country is very low, and apparently fewer than 0.5% of the bat population is rabid. So... + +&#x200B; + +I really just want to go get some rabies shots but I reckon my doctor will think I'm nuts. Any advice on how to deal with this anxiety or any words to help put my mind at ease would be much appreciated!",Anxiety +34880,"I hate myself for drinking. I don't know why I always do this to myself, I lie to myself and say a couple beers won't hurt me later on, well here I am later on anxious as fuck and ready to jump out of my own skin. Chest tightness, palpitations, feelings of disconnection, shortness of breath, this inescapable fear that my heart is gonna stop and I'll drop dead, oh and currently my hands are going numb/cold so that's just fucking lovely, it's like my anxiety is searching for new symptoms to manifest right now. I hate myself. I feel stupid for doing this again.",Anxiety +34881,"Anxiety or actually ill? So I don't know where to start this so I'm just gonna get to the point. I'm an otherwise healthy 20 y/o female and last week my legs started feeling very itchy. Then, the itching moved upwards to my torso and arms. On wednesday I noticed two strange rashes on my arms and decided to see a doctor because the itching was just horrible. He said it's probably an allergy and that he can't do much until i figure out at least if it's food or something enviromental causing the problem, and he gave me allergy pills to ease my itching and rashes. He said to take two if the rashes reappear. So the next day, when I got another one on my arm, I took just one pill, and they stopped appearing. The next day, I took one more just to be sure and the itching and rashes were totally gone by friday. Now, the problem is, on friday I thought my breathing was a bit more labored than usual. It's probably all in my brain but the feeling hasn't gone away. If I put my mind to something else, I'm fine, but as soon as I start thinking about it, I get panicky. It's been the same for 4 days now, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Also, on friday, when I had lunch I ate very little until I started feeling very sick. The same on saturday and sunday. Is it all due to my anxiety? I'm nervous to see a doctor because I don't want him to think I'm making stuff up, because I was just at his office a few days ago, and now I'd show up with another problem. Helppp",Anxiety +34882,"Squeezing feeling in my ribs Hey guys. Really glad I found this sub - seems really helpful! Was just wondering if anybody experiences a similar symptom to what I have a lot of the time. + +Most of the time my body feels okay? Okay enough, I guess. But once every 2/3 days I seem to get symptoms in and around my ribcage area. That entire section of my body suddenly feels very tense, and it gives me added symptoms too. When I stand up I get more lightheaded, my breathing because shallower by default, my heart races, and I sweat a ton. I also feel like there's a general squeezing action occuring around my ribcage. For example, when I take certain breaths I can physically feel the tension in my rib area. Because this area is so close to my heart, I worry that it is actually my heart malfunctioning. I hope that isn't the case and it's more to do with my ribcage area being tense or something. + +The weird thing is that most of the time when this symptom comes along I'm not even nervous. It just always seems to happen in the evening when I'm watching the TV, or having just been for a walk. + +What makes it worse is that it doesn't leave either. The only way I can make it stop is by going to sleep and then my body 'resetting' to normal the next morning. Sex can help the issue, but other times it makes it worse too. My body just feels full of adrenaline when the symptom start. + +So I was just wondering if anybody had anything similar? I just don't understand the source of it all. I'm rarely anxious mentally beforehand, but it seems as if my body is anxious. It just comes on so randomly. The problem is that from there on the symptoms it gives me are so uncomfortable that I worry about it. It makes me wonder if I have a heart problem or something along those lines. Is it just all an internal anxiety attack built up from all of the tension my anxiety disorder in general gives me? Is it some sort of adrenaline problem? I don't know but I desperately want to solve it because it hinders my functionality so much. I just turn into a breathless, tense mess when it hits me, and it causes me so much distress. ",Anxiety +34883,"Heads up: Avoid r/twoXchromosomes today If you're prone to pregnancy-related health anxiety like I am, you're gonna wanna do yourself a favor and steer clear of twoXChromosomes today. There's an abortion story that's overall positive but not good feels if you're the paranoid type. Don't make the mistake I did!",Anxiety +34884,"To medicate or not to medicate? Hello friends. This is my first post here. I’ve been admiring the confidence that you all have in sharing your concerns and stories. Thank you for your honesty. I have enjoyed learning from each interesting thing that you all have to say. + +I have been dealing with severe health anxiety for a little over 1 year now. The destruction it has done is devastating. + +I am entering into a new chapter in my life with many new important roles. Going back to school for my bachelors is one of them. I will need to be face-to-face with many of my specific fears and phobias. + +I’ve been considering starting medication for anxiety, such as Buspar. This scares me. My health anxiety is thinking of all of the possible side effects. + +I am tempted to do this because I want relief. Counseling has only helped mildly. +CBT has only helped mildly. +I want to be normal again. + +Thoughts? +",Anxiety +34885,"Cut myself on a rusty key clip and now I think I have tetanus The cut is very minor, it broke the skin enough to expose blood. And now my neck feels stiff and painful. + +But I know it probably isn’t tetanus, but it still sucks because I cannot stop thinking about it. I mostly feel stupid because I only cut myself on the key clip by playing around with it idly while not paying attention. ",Anxiety +34886,breathing in melted plastic = lung problems? I have a 3D pen and was soldering a sculpture. the filaments are PLA and burning it smelled awful. I worked on it for maybe 15 minutes. I'm worried that toxins could be released and I'm so anxious from it that it's making me nauseous. Is it possible that it could have affected me? ,Anxiety +34887,"Rabies is my worst fear... I got bitten by my puppy like 10 months ago. It was not very deep and didn’t bleed but it seemed 2 go through the skin. Now lately I’ve been having headaches and trouble swallowing. Logically I know that the dog has never ever shown signs of rabies and that it probably couldn’t even infect me if it did have rabies but I am scared 2 death! + +Worst thing is, my HA has been pretty much gone for a couple months and now this happens...",Anxiety +34888,"Whooshing / flowing in ears / head anyone? Sometimes when I wake up in the morning (especially if I wake up suddenly, scared, due to a loud noise, or from a bad dream) I’ll jump up quick and I can kind of hear flowing in my left ear which I expect to be my blood flow or something. I’m not sure if this is due to the sudden rush of blood or what, after laying down all night. It totally scares me to death. It lasts maybe 20 seconds and goes away. This is the only time it happens. +I’ve brought it up to doctors and they don’t really seem to say too much. + +Anyone else ever experienced this?",Anxiety +34889,"Diabetes Anxiety Helloo everyone, I’m new here I could really use someones advice im kind of freaking out, I haven’t been diagnosed with diabetes, but I’m really scared that I have it and I know the smartest thing to do is to make an appt with your doctor so I did but my doctor is out for a couple weeks, so my appt isn’t until feb. So a little about me I have been diagnosed with Anxiety, and I’m known to overreact, but I can’t get myself to calm down. I’m always scared that I have diabetes because I am over weight I’m like 50-60 pounds overweight I’m only 19 years old, and I know I need to lose weight and get healthy it’s really hard for me and my weight is something that I really struggle with. So with that being said diabetes has always been in the back of my mind and some days it creeps up and takes over me and I’m freaking out about it the whole day. Today is worse because I learned about something called DKA I don’t know much about it but what I did read about it is making me scared, usually when I have anxiety I’ll take a nap or something now I don’t even want to do that after reading something about it. I’m not really always thirsty all the time, I usually have to force myself to drink water. I sometimes feel like I pee a lot but I wake up when I’m sleeping to pee except for when I wake up in the morning I always have to pee, and before I go to bed I get up 2-3x to pee. Sometimes I feel like my feet and toes are tingly like if there falling asleep and then it will go away, as for blurry vision my vision is bad to begin with, I’m also always on my phone which probably dosen’t help. I haven’t had any significant amount of weight loss, if anything I’ve gained more weight. I also keep watch when I get a scratch or a cut and I just had one on my leg about 2 weeks ago and it healed fine. I’m also TIRED all the time, I get super super tired sometimes I take a nap and sometimes I try to fight it out until the it’s time to sleep at night this could be because my sleep pattern is all over the place and I’m currently trying to get it back on track but I don’t know. I know I probably sound dumb, and I know you guys can’t diagnose me but maybe if someone could just help me out, ease my mind, or let let me know what they think, I should probably get off the internet and relax but I can’t, always this was just what I am thinking right now so if something I said about anything in here is false regarding the symptoms or the whole DKA thing I do apologize, also sorry for making this so long. ",Anxiety +34890,"Worried to death about Lymphoma So a couple of weeks ago I started to get small short pains in my groin (lympth node area). It will last for a few seconds and then go away. On and off for a week and now I am getting them under arm pits as well. Every few minutes I get a couple seconds of strange feelings in the areas. + +I am scared I have lymphoma. I got a standard blood work done 6 months ago and it was clear although I am sure they dont test lymphatic system. I have no other symptoms but this is FREAKING ME OUT.",Anxiety +34891,"Muscle Weakness from Anxiety? Hello all! This is a wordy post but I really need some input on this. + +&#x200B; + +I have a heaping helping of OCD and GAD. Since last summer I have been going through a huge amount of stress from changing medications and not yet having found the right combination, all while working full time with ADHD. I also started taking blood pressure medication because that's just how my body responds to antidepressants/I have bad genes, clearly. + +&#x200B; + +Two months ago, I started having full body muscle weakness. I don't necessarily feel it all the time, although I am a lot more prone to soreness now. But any time I try to do anything physical (climbing stairs, washing dishes, actual exercise) my muscles start getting fatigued and that ""burning"" sensation that comes with a lot of activity. I feel like I have about a third of the stamina I usually do (and my baseline stamina isn't great), and I'll feel like I've done a long workout after basically nothing. I have always had a tendency to muscle stiffness but never experienced anything like this. + +&#x200B; + +My doctor has run a bunch of tests and there's absolutely no medical reason she can find for this. This started a few weeks after I started a blood pressure medication that worked, but my blood pressure is not low and she cannot find any electrolyte imbalance/anything else that might be caused by it. Neither my PCP nor psychiatrist have ever heard of a side effect like this for any of the medications I'm on. + +&#x200B; + +So my question is, have any of you ever heard of or experienced muscle weakness like I'm describing as a side effect of stress/anxiety? I definitely have had physical illnesses from anxiety before (pain, dizziness, nausea) but this is new. I wouldn't be surprised if this was from the stress of the past few months, but I really can't say. Any input would be very appreciated!",Anxiety +34892,"Lump near groin, between pubic area and inner thigh I'm kinda scared. I have a pea sized lump in that place you see when you open your legs, where your legs move, very close to the pubic region and the inner thigh. It's a hardish lump, like cartilage. If i move the skin it moves with it, do it's not stuck on the bone or tendon. I have a small red bump right next to it too which is kinda irritated, but the ""big"" one is the one that freaks me out the most. When I fully open my legs you can see a bit of protrusion. I found it yesterday night, it feels like it came out of nowhere. ",Anxiety +34893,Daily torture with This.. Ok so I have a lot of sinus. And post Basel drip. But every time I swallow. I have this lump on the right side of my throat. Which feels like my tonsil. I'm hyper aware of this and can feel this lump at all time. I keep adjusting my throat with my hand as a nervous tick. Now my Adams apple is sore from this. It's driving me crazy. Is anyone else aware of a lump in the throat or tonsils.,Anxiety +34894,"Proud of Myself Hi everyone! It's been a while since I posted on this sub and I really wanted to share a small success story to hopefully help you if you need it. + +So this past summer I was active on here all the time. I was convinced I had a brain tumour, bone cancer, blood clots, and a bunch of other issues. + +I ended up starting therapy in September and it's been going great! I've been able to stop immediately seeking reassurance (i.e. going to the ER) and dealing with my fear of death. I still struggle with googling and the initial worry of symptoms, but I can honestly say I'm starting to get better. + +Anyways, I feel like I had a major milestone today - even if it doesn't really seem like that big of a deal. + +My health anxiety is mostly focused on myself, but also extends to other people I care about, like my family. So naturally, when my mom told me she found a large lump on her breast while showering, I panicked. Like full blown panic. I immediately thought the worst (shocker), especially because just two months ago she'd gotten called back for an abnormal mammogram and had to do a bunch of imaging tests to make sure it was nothing terrible. That week waiting for results was excruciating (thankfully it was just benign cysts). Naturally, this brought me back to that terrible week of worry, and I was immediately thinking that, despite 2 mammograms + an ultrasound not even two full months ago, that the doctors must have missed something and that she had a terrible disease. + +My initial instinct was to google - I tend to seek out information in times of stress because it helps me feel like I have some control over the situation. I was so tempted to google incidence rates of breast cancer, likelihood of breasts cyst vs. cancer, and the like. I had intentions of reassuring myself, but I also knew that doing that would only feed into my anxiety and make it worse. Despite how badly I wanted to do research, I forced myself to ignore the compulsion. I was also able to rationalize and talk through my fears to come up with a logical conclusion (i.e. family history of cystic breasts = likelihood of cyst vs. cancer) + +Thankfully, our family doctor believes that it's just a cyst that was seen on the mammogram, but filled with fluid due to her upcoming period. He's sending her for an ultrasound to be safe, but overall isn't worried. + +However, despite all this, I feel really proud of myself! I managed to avoid Googling because I knew it would harm me, even if I was convinced it would help me. I really feel like I accomplished something, and I hope that sharing this encourages any of you who need help to get it. Therapy has been a godsend for me, even if it's just in small steps like this.",Anxiety +34895,"Have you experienced death? I’m just curious. I am a 30yo female and I have had anxiety, and health-specific anxiety, since I was about 14. I attribute it to the fact that I have lost so many people in the last 30 years. I won’t go into details as to not trigger any anxiety or panic. In a nut shell, most of the death has been untimely and traumatic. I think it just manifested into anxiety for me. Anyone else have similar experiences? + +Oh and side note, some of the deaths have been due to overdoses which has made taking medicine very anxiety provoking as well. Fun stuff. ",Anxiety +34896,I will not google I have to stop GOOGLING! Some days are much easier and some harder (today). I just come here when I feel the need to look something up on google (you know that once symptom just to see) but I can't it makes everything worse. NO MORE GOOGLING ,Anxiety +34897,"Tiny spec of glass stuck under the skin of my finger. Will it come out on its own? I cut my self a few days squeezing a glass too hard, cleaned the wound and put a bandaid on. Now it's almost healed, but I still feel a tinge of pain when I apply pressure to a certain spot on my finger. + +Should I seek out medical attention, or will it eventually make its way out on its own?",Anxiety +34898,"When should I go to the doctor? Hopefully this isn’t against the rules. I keep feeling... pressure, I guess in my lower left pelvis and I keep thinking my back hurts. I’m convinced I have a bladder/kidney infection or something wrong in my ovaries... a cyst, ectopic pregnancy, something wrong anyway that will result in a lot of pain and obviously death. + +Anyways, i’m not experiencing pain as much as I am pressure and sensations if you know what I mean, but it feels so impossible to tell if it’s just manifestations of my anxiety. I’m on a tight budget and have a history with HA, so my question for you guys is do you have any ideas for “breaking point” symptopms or signs that I should wait for to see urgent care? + +Thank you!!!",Anxiety +34899,"Fear of Aneurysm had been gone for so long but now it's back Ugh - I've actually had been doing fine for the longest time, without any kind of hypochondriac fear. Recently tho I've kind of developed this weird ass hell headache, it won't happen every single time - but more often then not when I sneeze I'll get a brief shooting pain in the back of my head or feel this pressure in my head, I could cough and bend down till the cows come home without triggering it but when I sneeze it will happen. + +I've nervous about it - though I've been trying to convince myself that since I've been having a lot of tight shoulder and neck muscles its more than likely related to than than anything else, but I still can't help but get worried.",Anxiety +34900,"My story of HIV anxiety Hi there, + +For the last month and a half I've been dealing with the worst health anxiety of my life. Prior to this my health anxiety has been me thinking i'm going to have a heart attack causing me to constantly check my pulse. Things along those lines. But my current situation is far more severe. Here it is, I've posted something on here before about it. + +I met a girl and we talked for months. She is a sexual person and I am not, it took me months before I finally decided I could move past just talking. After sex with a condom the first few times, we had unprotected sex the next a few times. I know how stupid this is but its even more idiotic for someone with health anxiety as i've learned. We agreed it was okay to do because i had no sexual history and she had been tested negative for stds. After the last time, 2 weeks later i got very sick. My doctor called it the worst sore throat she had seen in a long time. Along with that came chills, body aches, fatigue. I had blood work done my doctor called to say I had mono. I had only kissed this one person, and I asked her she said she had mono 4 years before. + +However, I idiotically googled symptoms. As it turns out, HIV in its early stages has all the symptoms of mono. Combine that with having unprotected sex 2 weeks before feeling sick and immediately I become overwhelmed with fear. I began to notice other things wrong with my body that resembled acute HIV - my tongue has a coating on it that i think is oral thrush, a rush formed on my chest after i started to feel better. Other things started to appear like my stomach began to growl regularly and my legs turn red in the shower. This fear hasn't gone away for a month now to the point of it keeping me up at night and sporadic panic attacks when I think about it throughout the day. + +I have to take a test to put this to rest and resolve it. I know how extremely unlikely it would be for me to have this. I asked if she had been tested for stds since and she said she had been very recently. On top of this, im not sure i can ever be intimate or sexual again if this is how im going to act. ",Anxiety +34901,"Kinda worried So about 2 weeks ago I had norovirus, and a lot of diarrhea. Since then I have not had a solid poop at all. I have ibs and I think it may just be that along with my anxiety about it. What do I do? ",Anxiety +34902,"Some very helpful words to put things in perspective This is an article I found that makes me feel profoundly better every time I read it. I posted it as a comment a few weeks ago, but I thought it might reach/help more people as its own post. It seems relevant to some recent posts on this sub. I'll post the url in the comments, but here it is: + + + +""We all worry about our health from time to time, at least to some degree, but some people worry excessively about catastrophic consequences of seemingly benign symptoms. They’re known as hypochondriacs. + +This is the sort of process hypochondriacs go through: what’s that? A benign lump or malignant bump on your face, breast or rump? Adrenaline rush, heart pumping, sweating, and light-headedness follow, confirming the gravity of the terminal self-diagnosis. + +Thoughts racing and images of a foreshortened future, orphaned children, and opportunities missed. Overwhelming distress. Must plan the epitaph – see, I told you I was sick! + +Our future and physical health are inherently uncertain. But people with hypochondriasis immediately resolve any uncertainty about novel physical sensations and symptoms on the side of catastrophe. + +The body is constantly in a state of flux. The heart pumps, blood flows, muscles twitch, lungs inflate, and bowels contract. Strange symptoms come and go. And most pass without conscious awareness as we focus on daily tasks. + +But try this. Hold your hand upwards, so that your palm and fingertips face the sky. Focus all your attention on the tips of your fingers and wait …and wait …until you notice some sensations. Tingling, temperature changes, or just an awareness of the sensations on your skin. + +Here’s an even simpler task. As you read this, shift your attention on to the sensations of the ground or chair pushing up against your body. Chances are you were unaware of all these sensations just moments ago. + +Attention, you see, is the microscope of the mind. It can filter in or out any of your internal or external experiences. + +Now imagine becoming hypervigilant to all the physical changes naturally occurring in your body. Try it. Just focus on all the sensations in your body for a minute. Amazing, isn’t it? Itchy toes, tense jaw, mild headache, numbness, and so on. All the normal workings of a healthy body. + +People with somatic symptom disorder are experts at searching for and noticing normal bodily changes. They’re also experts at interpreting these in potentially catastrophic ways – fatigue is leukemia; a lump on the arm is cancer. + +The number one enemy of someone with the disorder is Dr Google (“cyberchondria”). Indeed, the only thing more catastrophically creative than a hypochondriac’s mind is Google’s 2.42 million webpages on the causes of cancer. Every possible symptom can be linked to every possible diagnosis, by at least one disreputable source or another. + +The hypochondriac is searching not for information, but for confirmation of their imminent demise. If they’re unlucky, they might come across contradictory information or additional ailments they hadn’t yet considered. +Their intense worry and anxiety feel intolerable and must be neutralised. Seeking out a sympathetic doctor or other source of reassurance, or avoiding the health section of the newspaper all provide temporary relief until the next physical symptom is perceived. + +So what are some things that keep hypochondriacs worrying? + +Belief: worrying will help me catch something early. + +No, it won’t. Worrying will just keep you miserable until you’re old enough to find out how you will shuffle off this mortal coil (unless, of course, your demise is a blissfully brief surprise). Worry itself will not get you any closer to predicting, preventing, or planning for your death. + +Belief: I can get certainty about my health. + +Nope, can’t get that either. No amount of checking, doctor visits, Googling, reassurance-seeking will guarantee with 100% certainty that you’re well. I can, however, guarantee that the unrelenting pursuit of certainty will make you miserable. + +So, how can you manage health anxiety? +First, develop some healthy guidelines for monitoring your health and stick to them. +Based on your past experience, how long do benign symptoms typically last? One day, two days, one week? Decide how long you will wait before seeking any form of certainty or reassurance (from the internet, friends, family, or medical practitioners) the next time you notice a symptom, especially ones you’ve worried about in the past. Once this time expires (no pun intended), make a decision about whether you need to get the symptom checked or whether you can wait another little while before doing so. Follow guidelines from reputable sources about the recommended frequency of body checking. + +And, be willing to sit with uncertainty about your health. None of us ever have certainty about our health. I could have a brain tumour as I write these words. I am willing to accept this possibility and shift my attention onto the next paragraph. + +Think about it this way: if I offered you a $2 million insurance policy for your house, even if I promised to build you a gold-plated replacement if it were destroyed, you would likely consider it far too expensive. + +So, how much are you willing to pay to prevent any possibility of illness? Are you willing to give up your capacity to work, time you would otherwise spend with friends and family, and ultimately your happiness? This is a very high price to pay. + +Spend energy on things you truly value, rather than wasting it on a false insurance policy. Learn to accept uncertainty about your health. Revel in not knowing when or how the end will come. Focus instead on the time between now and then. + +Ultimately, what you have to decide is which epitaph you would prefer when your inevitable end arrives: “lived decades in misery and fear of death”, or “didn’t see that coming but my life was far richer for it.”",Anxiety +34903,"Worried about salivary gland cancer So i’m 24 year old male. I’ve had a swollen salivary gland (2,5cmx2cm?) right below my left ear ) for a couple of years. I’ve visited couple doctors in these past years, i have had an ultrasound done ,a couple times and a MRI. Doctors keep saying everything is normal. + + I’m not sure if it has grown, but the size has stayed the same for at least 6 months i think? + +So my question is, what else could this be then this cancer? Should i be worried? ",Anxiety +34904,"Dizzy after cruise Hey everyone, + +I’ve been on this site for a while now, and I wanted post a question. + +I got back 9 days ago from a 7 day cruise. It was wonderful! No anxiety, I felt like me again :) + +However, since returning, I’ve been swaying and feeling dizzy when walking. I keep telling myself that it’s from the cruise, but it’s been 9 days! + +I don’t seem to feel it when driving or anything else, but mostly when standing or walking. + +I just feel like I’m going crazy and want to cry. It’s been hard focusing on anything else, and whenever I walk, that’s all I think about.",Anxiety +34905,"Can I severely damage my eye while putting on contacts? I really want to get fitted for contacts soon. I have an eye appointment next week and my mom is letting me use her disposable ones for practice. I’m terrified of what it could do to my eye, though. + +Could it fold up in my eyelid trying to put it in? Could it get lost in my eye? Could it scratch it? I’m scared but it’s mostly because I’ve never put them in before. ",Anxiety +34906,"Patchy, darkened area on side of the foot Getting paranoid about illnesses such as diabetes with this one. Essentially I have a dry patch of peeling skin on the side of my right foot. It doesn't hurt unless I scratch it. No bleeding and no itching. + +Other foot has no such things. It is winter here. I was thinking of getting skin lotion to treat it. Still...is it potentially serious?",Anxiety +34907,"Meningites fear Hi everyone, + +I have a tooth abscess for years and I recently went to a dentist, have started on antibiotic called spiramycin. I am worried the infection spread in to my brain. My neck feels kinda stiff when I bend it to my chest. I don't have a severe headache. I feel like I have fever which I checked it seems fine. Should I go to a doc or er? ",Anxiety +34908,"When can we celebrate victory and rejoice? 26M. Met my first panic attack mid-August 2018. The next five month that followed were hard and you all know how it feels. + +I do remember there was a period in October and November when anxiety went away. I was happy, but happy too early, it came back knocking on my brain’s door last month. I do remember the frustration I felt because of that. + +The most recent anxiety episode was on the 4th of January. I’ve been feeling well for almost 2 weeks now. I do get anxiety-typical bodily symptoms, but I have been better at ignoring or noticing very little of that. The ‘what if?...’ thing is still in my head, but I try to reassure myself it’s not logical. + +My question is, when can one be sure his anxieties disappeared and are not likely to reoccur? It’s been a ‘too-good-to-be-true-twelve-anxiety-free-days’, but is this the case to celebrate a victory yet?",Anxiety +34909,I have to go to the breast specialist :( I'm scted. I did my imaging in August and it was all fine but I have a burning sensation. I called my obgyn this week and she reffered me. I'm just scared now..I have 2 young kids :(,Anxiety +34910,"Swollen lymph node, goes away as fast as it inflames \*\*Repost from AskDocs + +As far as i remember, this began this past summer. One of my armpits would get a painful feeling, almost as if I pulled a muscle or so, but no lump or anything. Then a couple of days later, it would be painful and a lump and what I figure to be a lymph node. It's never more than 1 inflamed at a time under 1 armpit. It used to be just the left, but this morning I woke up with one under my right. I would say the frequency is about 1 flare up every 2 to 4 weeks, moreso on the side of a month. And no bigger than a pea, or maybe M&M. I can't really tell since I touch it, but sometimes the skin appears reddish underneath, sometimes it doesn't. They eventually go down again and no pain and it feels fine. I don't ever have any symptoms of being sick, as in cough, fever, chills, etc. Everything is pretty normal beside the lymph node (if it is that) flaring up. So, something more serious to worry about and go see my PC or just let it be? Could they be cysts that flare up and then go back down? It's not the same lump either, the location changes too. I do have history of healthy anxiety (my fear is lymphoma) and i've been to the doc plenty of times this past year already and would rather not for something like this, especially when it goes away. + +I should mention, not sure if this matters, but I had changed deodorants around the same time frame, from deo/antiperspirant to just a deodorant. Anyone got an idea?",Anxiety +34911,"Insulin Price Gouging I'll never understand how and why God blesses me to have money to buy this insulin, and I'll never understand why and how these manufacturers think it's ok to charge so much for life saving medications. Imagine being told you must pay this amount or possibly die. How is this legal and moral, and why isnt there more outrage? Why isnt anyone trying to help fix this? +#insulin #Diabetes #pricegouging #insulin4all",Anxiety +34912,Not feeling myself Lately I haven’t been feeling myself. I just feel weird or off. Idk if this could be DR/DP. Whatever it is it really scares me and makes me think I’m going crazy or that I’m going to die or my brain isn’t working right. Has anyone experienced this? ,Anxiety +34913,"That one time i thought i was dying This one is a funny story, one time in the morning I went to the toilet while I was half asleep. So I did my business and I always checked my pee so when I looked into the toilet the liquid was blue and I was like ""okay, h*ly shit, I've never seen anything like this before, I am dying"" so I called my mom and I was like ""mother, my pee is blue, we need to go to the hospital."" Anyways, turns out it was just one of those toilet blue water thingies that they installed while I was asleep. At least now I can laugh about it. +(My apologies if my English isn't that good) ",Anxiety +34914,"Issues swallowing; is it anxiety related? I’m struggling so much, I can’t stop stressing about certain throat infections/cancers etc does anyone have advice for this? I’m feel like it’s hard to swallow, like there’s a lump, or as if things are getting stuck etc. I’m still eating and whatnot but the thought of eating makes me anxious now. I used to enjoy food so much. I also can’t gain weight right now which is messing with my head. Does anyone have any support advice on this particular health anxiety",Anxiety +34915,"Feeling of trapped burp/excessive burping/Nausea Hello all, lately I’ve been going through a scare as someone with IBS. Lately I’ve been excessively burping. Even if I haven’t eaten anything yet, and especially once I eat something. However, the thing is sometimes I need to force the burp out because it feels like it’s trapped in my stomach or chest or throat. And when I’m unable to get the burp out, it makes me feel nauseous. For the past couple of days except yesterday, I’ve been either dry heaving or actually vomiting. When I vomit, it’s either this clear liquid that tastes like acid, which I assume is acid, and sometimes it’s food I eat. Burping helps relieve the feeling for a few minutes but then it’s back. This has been happening for a couple of weeks already. But before, I wasn’t diagnosed with IBS. I had HA about colon cancer. Once I was told that it was IBS by my GI, the burping never stopped but the nausea sort of did. + +Fast forward a little bit, and I was fine. I was eating healthier and my bowel movements were even improving. I even went on a trip to Hawaii and I was fine there. I had one bout of nausea but that’s it. And then shit hit the fan right when I got back from Hawaii. Basically whatever I said in the beginning lol. But here’s a list of all my symptoms/medical issues: + +-Excessive burping +-feeling like a burp is trapped in stomach/chest/throat +-Nausea (due to reason above) +-Occasional acid when I burp and in the morning when I wake up (making me think it’s possibly GERD but I don’t have heartburn and this feeling is only occasional) +-dry heaving/vomiting clear liquid/food. No red blood or coffee grounds or green or yellow liquid. +-mild IBS, no abdominal pain, predominantly constipation (although it has been getting better. I’ve been having nice BM every day. But yesterday it was diarrhea which is weird) +-sometimes blood on the toilet paper, but this always happens when I have to strain and it hurts and itches. GI says I have internal hemorrhoids. +-BM are usually 4-5 on the Bristol stool chart +-Swollen turbinate and a deviated septum (ah my first bout of my HA. If I could go back in time I would prevent this lol). +-Fatigue +-some skin patches that idk if it’s eczema or psoriasis. Leaning towards eczema since I have an intense family history of it. + +I’ve had no weight loss, thankfully. I actually gained weight in Hawaii haha. So it’s basically the burping, nausea that is making my HA spike. And it sucks because it makes me anxious that I have some deadly colon/stomach disease again, and I’ve considered making an appointment with my GI to see if I can get an endoscopy/colonoscopy, which he was very reluctant to do since I’m 22 years old. This burping and nausea is just so annoying and depressing. I had to go home from work because of it. I’ve been combating the vomiting well so far. Breathing sort of helps with nausea, as well as chewing gum and ginger ale. However, they haven’t been as effective as before. My mind is going through so many possibilities of what this could be: hiatal hernia, GERD, postnasal drip from my nose problems, a general IBS flare up, a stomach ulcer, my stupid anxiety, or something worse. It’s just so fucking scary. The only thing that makes me feel better is sleep. Please, the best advice and/or reassurance. +",Anxiety +34916,"Got a cold and fever, worried that I got sepsis I've been having a cold for three days, and had a fever coming and going for the last 2 days. + +I cough alot, had headache before, running nose and is freezing/sweating alot. + +I'm alright at the moment, but I'm worried that I got sepsis. ",Anxiety +34917,"Muscle Twitch Around Knee Hey guys, only just discovered this subreddit today amidst another day of google searches - loved the ""Health Anxiety Starter Pack"" post! + +&#x200B; + +I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, more just a bit of advise/guidance I guess. I've always had some mild HA since my late teens and get abnormally anxious at the sign of any lump, bump or anomaly on my body. Like a lot of others, the illness that puts the fear of death in to me is ALS/MND (from the UK). I go through phases but over the past 6 or 7 years i've always tried to convince myself that i'm showing symptoms for it. However, I'm 30 now and around 5 weeks ago I started to get a distinct muscle twitch just above my left knee (like lower right of the thigh). It was fairly consistent, clearly visible but painless. For context, I work in fairly stressful sales job, get a bit blue during Christmas/New Year in any case and had a lot to drink over the Christmas period with numerous nights out etc. This seemed to compound the issue and really flare up my HA. + +&#x200B; + +Since the turn of the year it's continued in the exact same location & really seems to kick in when I pay attention to it. However, when I play sports, workout and find myself away from my own thoughts it doesn't seem to impact me as much. Recently it's started to impact my sleep and my work which is quite rare for me and very concerning. I've read in and around 200 google articles and I can't help but feel everyone of them can't discount the likes of MS & ALS etc. I feel like the twitches have became a bit more regular but they're just as isolated. I've been to a physio, they claimed it may be a circulation issue and basically battered my left thigh to help....it didn't. I've been to the docs and given blood - they came back fine. I've got a follow up with her on the 25th and my plan is get a referral to a neurologist....although that scares the shit out of me. The doc did mention it was unlikely but to me that just translates to ""there's still a chance"". + +&#x200B; + +I've tried to convince myself that this is stress induced and i'm in a viscous struggle - I'm trying to run more and improve times to prove to myself that my muscles aren't degrading & are actually improving....although all this does is make runs far more stressful than they used to be! I've became a right pain in the arse at home and my negative outlook is having a bit of impact at home with my fiance (also getting married this year). + +&#x200B; + +Any guidance on how I should proceed with docs/consultants or any hints or tips to stem my worrying would be massively appreciated. + +&#x200B; + +Cheers",Anxiety +34918,"CLEAR STUFF ON EYE This has happened to me a few times in the last couple of months but it went away. So I notice when I wake up my right eye feels like something is in it. It’s very annoying, it feels like a eyelash is stuck in it. I look and there’s a clear string like gunk on the white part of my eye. I looked it up and I seems very similar to a cyst? + +Has anyone ever experience this? +I have no health insurance so I’m hoping it resolves on it’s own. ",Anxiety +34919,Scared about stool and stomach So for the past few weeks I've noticed that my stool is soft and sticky most of the time and when I wipe I notice tiny black dots in it but I can't see it when it's in the toilet. my stool also floats sometimes I'm scared I might have GI bleeding or pancreatitis or something. Like I said it's been like this for a few weeks but it does not seem to have gotten worse and I'm tired of going to the doctor for every little thing I think I have.,Anxiety +34920,"At what age did your HA start? I have always been a bit uneasy about medical problems, but didn’t start feeling physical symptoms until about a week and a half ago. With no triggers or life circumstances to speak of, my brain started telling me I need to take deeper breaths than I am capable of taking. The next day I hyperventilated so hard that my hands went numb and curled up tight. I am 24 and until recently I figured I had managed to evade young adult mental illness. Most people I know had it start at a much younger age. Any other late bloomers here?",Anxiety +34921,"The grand old duke of hypochondria, he had 10,000 symptoms, and when he was only half way dead he was suddenly fine again! Ever feel like every day is an uphill struggle? You’re master and commander of a rebellious army of terrible thoughts that you spend all day corralling into a manageable format only for them to break ranks out of the blue and leave you exhausted and all out of battle plans? + +You would concede, surrender, wave your white flag, if you could. But when you’re fighting yourself, there’s no one to give in to, only a brief respite of broken sleep, spinning the roulette wheel of anxiety, will you wake up tomorrow with a new symptom or be granted a brief moment of peace? You pray for the latter and prepare for the former. + +Monday you wake up with nausea, the stomach cancer is back again. But, you also had abnormally painful cramps on your last period, so the logical explanation is that these symptoms are linked. The ovarian cancer from November is back and spreading, you were bloated last Friday too, if all makes sense when you put the pieces together. + +Pace the floor a little as you wait for the toaster to pop. Will I make a coffee? Hmm, the caffeine won’t help the nausea. Just stick to water and down your multivitamins, your antidepressants, the liquid iron for the self diagnosed anaemia. + +Palms are sweating, hands are jittery, a headache is setting in. Oh god, is this the blood pressure dropping or hypoglycaemia setting in? Only I could contract diabetes 15 minutes after learning of my terminal cancer diagnoses. + +The toaster pops, makes me jump a mile, heart racing. Better check my pulse... great, a heart attack induced from the stress of my diabetes and cancer double blow. + +Dr google is ready to see you now. + +“Nausea abdominal pain” *search* + +What is this, amateur hour? I’ve been coming to this doctor for 15 years, I know better than to be so vague with my symptoms. Better be more specific. + +“Nausea, shakiness, headache, sweating, dry mouth....” + +No, no no. I’ll just be told it’s anxiety again. Far better to type in what I know it is and confirm my hunch with the list of symptoms that comes up. + +For the 300th time in a decade you search for heart failure, kidney infection, four different types of cancer, Parkinson’s, M.S, stomach ulcers, all the time internally scanning your body meticulously for developing symptoms... you’re so good at this now that you can feel the tiniest disturbance in your body, a twinge in your arm, the blurry vision when you look at a particular angle in a certain direction, is that a post nasal drip coming on? + +And the day speeds on, leaving you in the dust, an exhausted heap of worry and fear. The hours pass, commitments left to the wayside as you forge on in the pursuit of truth about your terminal condition. You’re grumpy, snappy, why are people trying to talk to you when you are clearly on the cusp of finding out without doubt you have 6 days left to live? + +Typing away on your phone or laptop, a partner or a parent curiously asking what you are up to “are you on Facebook, honey?” You are short with them, you’re busy. Weighing up whether to tell them the truth, you’re dying again, knowing you will be met with rolling eyes or a speech about how you’re fine, to stop worrying. So instead you keep quiet, they think you’re in another mood, you’re always so moody. + +The night draws in and you’re done. You’ve scoured the forums, the articles, the YouTube videos. You still feel like crap, noticing you’ve a sore throat and swollen glands. Great, HIV too. + +Until, just before bed you do what you always do. Find the others like you, wrap yourself in the thin fraying blanket of comfort that comes when you accept there are others all over the world who are dying today, who receive new terminal diagnoses every other week, those poor souls who receive crushing news of an incurable illness like most people receive spam email. + +Health anxiety. A seemingly uninstallable app rooted in your brain with new and exciting updates every day. + +Your foe, your enemy, your captor. + +Tuesday and Wednesday go off without a hitch, you have no symptoms, you’re healthy for a couple days. Wednesday you caught norovirus from that person on the bus. Thursday it was gone but you woke up with Leukemia, how you managed to trudge into work after that blow was a miracle. Friday you were cured, Saturday the pinnacle of health, Sunday the cancer was back. + +And so the cycle continues. Held captor to a cruel brain (one with a tumour in it) that is so over sensitive to every bodily function, every twinge, that in its effort to inform your of your terrible illness, it’s slowly killing your soul day after day. + + There’s hope for us yet. Once I went a whole month without silently battling a terrible incurable disease. One day that will be a couple months, then a year, and I’ll live like all the normal healthy people all around me. One day. + + +",Anxiety +34922,"Stressing a little of medication side effect Hi! I've been having issues with constantly feeling like I need to pee and not emptying my bladder for a few months now (although all medical tests have indicated there's nothing (at least structurally) wrong). I am a male. I was prescribed 0.4 mg Tamsulosin HCl (aka Flomax), which relaxes the muscles in the pelvic area, and muscle tension and anxiety are suspected to be the cause. I read through the booklet I got with the medicine and I just have concerns about the fact that one of the side effects is retrograde ejaculation (where semen enters the bladder instead of leaving the body...sorry for putting that image in everyone's heads). It itself is not a serious symptom, and I know even if it does happen, it will go away when I stop taking the medicine. I'm only taking it short term, too. I guess basically does anyone else also get stressed out about side effects? Any mental tips on how to stop being so crazy about it? Of course I know rationally that my doctor decided the benefit much outweighs potential risks, and that they always put every possible side effect because that's just legalese and what not. It's ridiculous because I know this medicine was given to me to HELP me! But this crazy irrational side of me can't just relax and take it.. ",Anxiety +34923,"For anyone who’s seriously panicking and feel like they need someone to talk to I’m new to this sub, but really wish i’d known about it 3 days ago when i was having an absolute meltdown over nothing & panic messaged 3 of my friends, even threw up because i was freakin out that much lol. So if anyone ever feels in a state of absolute panic and just needs to talk to someone about it, just sayin feel free to dm, cuz i think we can all agree that HA fckin sucks and sometimes we do just need a rational, outside perspective voice to bring our heads out of the clouds and back down to earth again, and remind us that everything’s fine & there’s so many things to be happy for🙂⛅️",Anxiety +34924,"Can a lot of strenuous intense exercise after each other in a day cause heart damage? It was more than a week ago where my heartrate was high all day. For some reason I believe I damaged my heart without feeling any significant pain. This kind of thinking is fucking scary. It sends you right down the rabbit hole of anxiety. My heart was tested extensively almost a complete year ago and it turned out well. + +But then I rationalize that something bad happened and my perception of my beating heart becomes clearer and clearer and I feel it more and more. + +I don't know what to fucking do now. I am too lazy to go to a doctor again, to test myself for the so manyth (<-- not a word) time. But I have to.. Or not? Or do I.. I might die if I won't.. I'm fucking scared. Normal people won't go to the doctor when they feel nothing.. Or do they? What if my body is suffering in silence? Oh my fucking God. I cannot die.",Anxiety +34925,"Have diverticulitis, now anxiety? I was diagnosed with diverticulitis in September. Unfortunately, the infection spread through a hernia in my groin area and I developed an abscess in my groin. I was hospitalized for ten days for treatment. Last time I had been to the hospital was at birth 38 years before, so this was a shock. I wasn't treated poorly or anything, just being away from my family, from work, from life, seemed to get me down. I have a five year old and I face time'd with her while in the ER the first night and you could see the fear in her eyes. She had only been in the hospital prior to visit great aunts, who would go on to pass away. The look on her face is seared in my head and basically impossible to shake. A fearful look because I'm sure she thought, when I see people in the hospital, I some times don't see them much longer after that. + +It was a bit of a tough recovery, every ache, spasm, etc sent me into a panic. Feeling my groin to see if I could feel a bulge from a returning abscess. Pressing my lower abdomen to see if I was in pain from a recurrence of diverticulitis. Sleepless night staring at my phone on healthline or Mayo Clinic. Recently, I started having this bubble sensation in the sternum area near my chest, it would come out of nowhere and almost ""pop"" and be gone. No rapid heartbeat, blood pressure normal, but the more I worried, the more they'd come along, mostly all at night, when my mind has more opportunity to wander. One night was so bad I did go to the ER, they hooked me to an EKG, did a chest xray, blood tests. Nothing really, no heart attack. Was home in bed within a few hours. + +My PCP suggested a holter monitor EKG which I wore for a day this week. No results yet as the doctor has been out, but I'm guessing if it was anything truly pressing I'd have known by now. I think folks here understand my predicament and I just needed to say it out loud to someone other than my wife. She herself has had anxiety issues in the past and says it's probably a post traumatic anxiety. + +Are these types of sensations normal for those of you who might struggle with health related anxiety? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +34926,"Coffee and alcohol...heart attack? Had a few coffees today, (one black coffee and one large flat white with an extra shot) - but I’m supposed to be going out for drinks (alcoholic) tonight. + +I feel a bit wired from the coffee, like my heart is going too fast...not sure if this is because I’m panicking slightly - if I have a few drinks tonight, will the mix of alcohol (which slows down the heart) and coffee (which speeds it up) be likely to induce a heart attack? ",Anxiety +34927,"How I overcame health anxiety (read this is your currently struggling) So, i have been wanting to post this here but have been putting it off because this is going to be long so bare with me. If you want to know how I over came this bad disease keep reading, If your ready to recover keep reading. + +It all started when I was 16. Nothing necessarily trigger this other then I got sick one time (fever, body aches), and it had been a few years since I had a check up when my mom said “you need to let me take you to the doctor for a check up because you won’t know if somethings wrong of you don’t”. So when I got sick I decided to google it to see what was wrong, and leukemia was the first thing that popped up. My heart dropped. From that moment I was a google fanatic and thought I had every disease in the book. I suddenly started experiencing symptoms of leukemia like fatigue, and flu like symptoms. + +The after that I was worried I had a brain tumor. I had symptoms of that also, this was the worst one for me I think. I had a buzzing noise in my ear from time to time, blurred vision, fuzzy peripheral vision, headaches, pressure on the top of my head, slurred speech sometimes, nausea at time, etc. it was HORRIBLE. The symptoms were real. I was checked multiple times and I got a clean bill of health. + +Then I worried about skin cancer. I seen a dermatologist who confirmed I do NOT have skin cancer. + +I then found what I thought to be a lump in my abdomen and seen a doctor who said it’s nothing but she ordered a CT with contrast to shut me up. That was clear as well BUT did say I had a very slightly enlarged spleen which could have been caused by mono when I was younger. + +I had many blood panels, EKGS, echocardiograms, CT scans, X-rays, urine tests, I saw a chiropractor, a dermatologist, and many MDs before I finally decided to accept that this was a mental issue and I’m NOT ill. It took me 5 long frustrating, scary, years before I agreed I had an issue with worrying over my health for no good reason. I seen two counselors and they helped, but I knew the change had to be within me! + +I finally accepted the facts. Google is not the most reliable source. In fact, only 42% of the health info found on google IS accurate. So your pretty much seeking reassurance from a uneducated stranger rather then just seeing your dr and trusting their diagnosis. It’s hard to agree these symptoms are in your head, but they ARE! You can make yourself feel all sorts of crazy symptoms, so if you’ve seen a doctor and you have a good report, the only thing you should be googling is Health Anxiety symptoms and making sure your on a reliable website, such as webMD or Mayoclinic. Steer clear of yahoo answers, or any of the other forums that uneducated people post on trying to give advice. In facts, steer clear of google and the web PERIOD! + +Here’s how I done it: + +I scheduled a check up and wrote down ALL of my concerns. I talked to my doctor about my issues with anxiety and how bad I was making myself worry. He told me I need to stay FAR AWAY from google all together and I followed his orders. I had him do a full check up, ekg, blood work, STD testing, you name it just to at last, put my mind at ease. Once that was over and I was confirmed healthy, I started finding stuff to do like working out, surrounding myself with friends, and I got a job! I would leave my phone in the car locked up when I went into work. For a period of time I only used my phone for calls and texts. When i did have the urge to google I’d find something else to do. Like go for a walk and talk to myself about all the tests I’ve had. After ALL of these test, it would be very unlikely something so sinister would be missed! I knew it was mental so I would be easy on myself. Cry if need be. But don’t check for lumps, don’t start Letting your mind wonder, keep yourself occupied at least for the first few weeks. I would set new goals for myself (like school, work, gym). Find someone you trust and talk to them about your problems. Like for me, it was my mother. Work on IMPROVING your health. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, get a good amount of exercise each week, and take a supplement. And most of all remind yourself this is a mental thing when you start to worry and IMMEDIATELY distract yourself. Please keep in mind this is a process, it didn’t get this bad over night so it will not be fixed over night, it will take time. Be patient with yourself. Talk to a counselor if you need to. +🛑STOP POSTING QUESTIONS LOOKING FOR ANSWERS! 🛑 because you won’t find them here, unless your looking for ways to over come anxiety. + +If you believe in God, pray often. If you need medication, take it. + +Personally I never wanted meds because I don’t want to be dependent on them. But if it helps you, take it. If you need a break from work. Take it. Put you first. + +If your scared to see a doctor make the appointment and MAKE yourself go for reassurance. Remember, if (god forbid) something is wrong, It’s better to find out and take care of it then ignore it and it get worse (like, high blood pressure for instance, if you don’t take meds it can potentially eventually damage arteries) but it’s better to fix the problem and move on then to not do anything at all. But no matter what Google is not the answer. + +If anyone needs to talk or has questions feel free to ask me! I am pretty educated in the health field as I’ve done many heard of research as well as school +For registered nursing. I have family in the medical field, so if you feel you need to confide in someone done hesitate to DM me and we can work though this together, I don’t want to see anyone waste years of their life like I did if I can help it! + +Xoxo❤️",Anxiety +34928,"Anyone ever had lung/chest sounds? Would really appreciate your insight. I read a lot of the posts here and I nod along and think, ‘Yeah, that’s me.’ But this is my first time posting, as I’m looking for some input and would be grateful for your thoughts. + +2018 was a busy year for me. I got married (and I’m very happy aside from the crippling HA) I run my own business and I’m fully self-employed. I lost 20 pounds doing a 10 week intense gym course and I got, wait for it, 8 colds. HA nightmare. + +I’m a 31 year old male and healthy (except for that undiagnosed illness that changes every month but is surely secretly killing me) but getting the cold 8 times last year really set my HA on a spiral. + +That’s not the only “illness” I had last year. I had mouth ulcers and sore throats that I thought were somehow HIV. I had a sore on my tongue that at the time had to have been tongue cancer. I had a pain in my lower back which radiated into my testicles and down my left leg, which of course had to have been testicular cancer (saw the doc twice about this - no meds given) You all know the story, all of these things cleared up and I moved onto the next killer. + +Anyway, I went and got my bloods tested yesterday and I’m awaiting results next week. I did this because I got so many colds last year and also I want to see what’s slowly “killing me”. + +But my new symptom scares me. It a sound when I breathe deep. Like a bubbling or a mild rattling. Only sometimes, maybe around ten breathes a day, some days less, some days none. I am getting over a series of colds, as I mentioned. And I also have a tickley cough. It’s not chesty. And sometimes I cough of clear snot with it (sorry) + +I had this exact same episode Summer 2018 with the sounds etc and it all cleared up but has returned after a winter cold and it just won’t go away. Obviously I’m thinking lung cancer or that I’ll need a lung transplant etc + +I went to the doc, but because the sound/sensation is only there sometimes, he listened and said my lungs sound Chrystal clear. I wanted a chest x ray but he said he didnt see grounds for one at that point (a month ago) + +Has anyone had any breathing sounds with anxiety? Like deep in your chest? + +Has anyone had stress/anxiety cause extra mucus that could maybe cause such a thing? + +Would really love some input on this. + +Thanks in advance! + +TL:DR: Having sounds in my lungs every so often when taking a deep breath. Anyone have this and live to tell the tale? ",Anxiety +34929,"I don’t wanna be like this anymore I’ve been dealing with health anxiety ever since my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Every time I have some symptom, I google for hours until i’ve convinced myself I have days left to live and have to go to the doctor right away. I saw my doctor yesterday and I could tell he thought I was insane and told me to stop googling stuff. It’s honestly so embarrassing and I feel like I have no control over myself anymore. He referred me to a psychologist within the first like 5 minutes of us talking. I’m just embarrassed and everyone around me is so annoyed with me constantly thinking I have some issue. I wish I could just get over this. + +/rant ",Anxiety +34930,"Bad lately I keep waking up at odd hours gasping for breath fearing that I’m having a stroke or heart attack. I think that I’m about to collapse at any moment. I embarrassed myself at work the other day during a panic attack. My manager said I needed to take a Xanax. +I really need to get it together in 2019. I know I need to see a professional but I’m nervous about taking medication (ironic). I don’t know what to do. ",Anxiety +34931,"Healthy Anxiety + Anxiety about doctors/dentists/medical stuff in general I'm constantly worried about random ""symptoms"" I'm feeling or seeing in myself. I'm constantly thinking ""I should go see a doctor and hopefully catch something before it gets too bad..."" + +...but then I also have lots of anxiety about hospitals, clinics, doctors, medicine, medical procedures, etc. + +So then it becomes a battle between the anxieties, and I only make it to the doctor when my fear that I'm dying of something I haven't been diagnosed with yet surpasses my fear of doctors, medicines, and medical procedures. + +Does anyone have tips for navigating this messy tangle of anxiety? ",Anxiety +34932,Discord down? The discord server dissappeared for me and the link to join it is invalid. Was it removed? Was I banned? I don't see how or why,Anxiety +34933,"Charcoal like substance in poop Today, I went to the bathroom and noticed that a charcoal like fragment was in my poop. It was otherwise brown like normal, but this charcoal like piece was hard and black. I had burnt food the night before, but I fear what it could be. I don't have this regularly. I've also had slight abdominal cramps today, though my appetite has been normal.",Anxiety +34934,"Is this health anxiety?! Or something else Hello all, if you take time to read and respond to my post I thank you. + +To begin ive been dealing with health issues since early September (about 4 months now). Could possibly be lyme or something else but the results were not very cut and dry. Ever since these health issss started ive been weighed down by “brain fog” or at least thats how I describe it to doctors. Ive read a bit about brain fog on here but my symptoms seem a bit different, could this still be alk anxiety (most of my doctors have labled this as my issue) + +My symptoms of what i call “brain fog” is mainly visual, things look and seem a bit “off/weird” not exactly blurry but just off. This feeling has been with me before (when i had mono 2 years ago) but it only lasted about 3 weeks, this time has been about 3 months constantly. My other symptoms are daily headaches, dizzy/unstable feeling, a feeling or fuzzy/congestion in my head (not really in sinuses but in head) and just feeling out of it. + +I read a lot on this reddit about not being able to remember things or think clearly/concentrate. I dont have these issues, mine seem to be mainly visual paired with headaches. Is this being caused by my health anxiety? If not do you have any ideas? + +Ive had an MRI, two CT scans and tons of bloodwork done in the last three months. All normal except my lyme came back positive. However after antibiotic treatment and still seeing strange results from bloodwork we are thinking it could be a false positive. I definitely have anxiety about my health (been a rough few months) but I feel like of it was anxiety it wouldn’t be causing these constant all day symptoms! Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks all! Any feedback is amazing.",Anxiety +34935,"Fast Heartbeat for 2 hours I hope somebody can help. I had a jog earlier today, then took a hot shower. Ever since the shower, my heartrate has been around 80-90 bpm (even 100? not sure) for 2 hours. I have no other symptoms. + +I know 80-90 is still considered a normal heart rate, but it isn't for me. Mine is usually around 50-60. Of course, I'm really worried about some kind of heart trouble. ",Anxiety +34936,"heart skipping beats so for the past seven months (since a wisdom tooth surgery that did not go well) my anxiety has been more health-related, as well as manifesting physically. i have intense dizzy spells, stomach discomfort, etc. when i am especially anxious. today, i sat down after doing some cleaning and noticed my heart seemed to be skipping beats. i am not the most fit individual, but this was pretty low-effort activity, and my heart was POUNDING. and every 10-15 beats, it seemed to skip one. i started freaking out, worrying that my heart was going to stop. i just went to the doctor the other day for a UTI and they didn't notice anything off about my pulse so i hope i am just crazy. fuck fuck fuuuuck.",Anxiety +34937,"Woke up gasping for air in the middle of the night? This is the first time it ever happened, does this mean i have sleep apnea or did this ever happen to one of you as a one time only thing?",Anxiety +34938,"Body extremely heavy, and so much more :( My body has been SO heavy for over a week. My dr said it’s anxiety most likely but I’m afraid something is wrong because I kept having rib pains, stomach issues, random pains in my head, joint pains, just really weird and random shit. I also have been dealing with tmj like symptoms (head pressure,stiff neck issues, minor back issues, ear ringing) I’m just afraid something is wrong no matter how many times people say it’s anxiety. I also have allergies and sometimes they make my stomach upset, throat itchy, hives ect and now I’m afraid anytime I get a small hive or itchy spot my throat is going to close up (I get hives a lot and have for years... and my throat has never closed up,..) I got anxiety medication but I’m like hesitant to take it as needed. I also keep gagging randomly especially after food. My chest aches some but it doesn’t feel like an anxiety ache it is almost like a muscle ache? Idk just weird shit. +I’m just freaking myself out so much and everyone is sick of me!!! +I’m afraid of having MS or spinal issues, nerve issues, cancer, brain aneurisms. Ugh help. +I’m starting Zoloft tonight btw. +",Anxiety +34939,"EKG changes and CT? Greeting, my anxious friends. + + +I'll cut right to the chase! + +&#x200B; + +From April 2018 - November 18th, I went to the hospital 14 times or so, each time with the same symptoms; feeling of rapid heartbeat, chest pain, profuse sweating and feeling of impending doom. Each time I had an EKG and bloodwork done and the results have always been perfectly normal. I've also had a Holter done in addition to several other monitors during admission. + + +When I went to the hospital on November 13th my EKG was perfectly normal. When I went to the hospital again on November 18th, I suddenly had inverted Ts in my ST-segment, which they said could be indicative of insufficient oxygen to the heart muscle. From November 18th - present, I've had additional EKGs done which show the same change, but the doctors say that the EKGs, even with the change, is still perfectly normal. Some say there is no ischemia and that my heart is perfectly healthy, others say that they aren't concerned at all and that they don't suspect anything. +I also had an extensive ultrasound done in November, which shows nothing abnormal. Valves are fine, no endocarditis, no extra sounds. Heart monitor during admission shows nothing abnormal either. + + +Still, I am scheduled for a CT on January 22nd to rule out any atherosclerosis/blockages and I am scared to death of the pre-op medication they want to give me to lower my heart rate to between 40-50BPM. + + +My question to the community is: Have you heard of depression/anxiety causing changes in your EKG? If you Google it, there is one article out of Columbia University that specifically mentions ST-inversions in patients with depression/anxiety. + + +I am 27 years old, 190lbs, 6'4"" - I eat healthily and I've never smoked. I don't drink or do drugs either. The odds of me suddenly having ischemia, especially from one week to the next, is atomically small. + + +Have you guys ever heard anything like this? Blood pressure is fine as well.",Anxiety +34940,"Is anyone else in constant fear of getting hurt/injured? It feels like most of the time I constantly think about getting hurt or how doing a simple task could lead to me getting injured (like crossing a street, walking to the store, etc) or I'm afraid of getting some kind of ailment that would require a painful procedure. It makes me feel so alone like I can't live a truly normal life being in constant fear! Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +34941,"lemon water in the morning is good for you? Truth or Myth? Personally I feel the liver detox and somewhat keeps me functional, might be biased or somewhat of a placebo...what do you guys think?",Anxiety +34942,"Blood taste in mouth, have spit to see blood a few times. Hi guys, I've had a problem recently that's happened about 4 times the past year, where I'll taste blood in my mouth and ill spit and there'll be a small amount of blood in my spit. I know rationally it could probably be my gums bleeding but I'm concerned that I have throat cancer, as I've been constantly clearing my throat due to bad post-nasal drip for years now and on top of that I have pretty bad reflux issues. Just need someone to talk to me down cause I'm having some serious anxiety right now.",Anxiety +34943,"Do you obsess about/only seem to have symptoms for ONE particular problem? I see a lot of users posting about how they experience symptoms for different diseases/problems. I, on the other hand, am focused on one specific issue and the symptoms surrounding that. I rarely consider myself to have something new weekly or monthly. So, when I see posts telling me to write down my symptoms that inevitably come and go, I can’t relate because I’ve had the same problems and concerns for a loooong time. It makes me think maybe this isn’t just anxiety. Anyone else?",Anxiety +34944,"65mg of elemental iron a day for the last week in preparation for donating blood. Now I’m worried that I’m gonna die from iron toxicity. I’m a 20 year old female who typically has lower than normal iron. Not concerningly low, just on the low end of average. Our college is hosting a blood drive in a few days so I bought some iron supplements about a week ago because I once told the nurse that I’m often rejected due to low iron and the nurse said that a lot of people take iron supplements about a week before they donate. Well the supplements I bought are 65mg of elemental iron per pill. I started taking them before researching a safe dose because I didn’t think you could OD on iron (yes very dumb). After taking one pill a day for about a week I found out that the maximum safe dosage before toxicity occurs is 45mg a day. So now I’m worried that I’m going to die of iron toxicity",Anxiety +34945,Perineum feels hard after a bowel movement. Should I be worried? I’m a 24 y/o female with digestive issues. My doctor think it’s just diet/IBS causing my constipation and upset stomach. I recently had a BM that made a inner hemorrhoid (I assume) pop out. My doctor told me not to worry and gave the same advice. It’s gone back since then but I noticed after some BMs my perineum (gooch area) feels harder. I can still squish it and it doesn’t feel like there’s something underneath but it’s harder. ,Anxiety +34946,"Sudden painful lump in buccal mucosa area sort of behind wisdom tooth, should I be freaking out? On Friday after finishing a week long dose of antibiotics I began to feel discomfort when moving my jaw. I felt around yesterday and noticed a raised area or lump at the very back of my upper mouth, deep on the side of my wisdom tooth, in the buccal mucosa area as they call it. It's on the lining of the cheek in a weird sort of muscular pocket that moves when you move your jaw, hence the pain. + +Would cancer grow this quickly? I'm quite sure this lump wasn't there before. Salt water rinses do burn a little as though it's an ulcer or something, but I don't typically get mouth ulcers so I'm unsure. ",Anxiety +34947,"Love yourself—Take care of yourself. Historically, for me.. January-March is the hardest time for year for me. + +My Anxiety journey began two years ago, in February. One of my best friends passed from a Brain Tumor, the month before. I went to his funeral and they talked about all the symptoms he had.... next thing I know, I’m consumed by constantly looking for the same symptoms. Then they start to appear.... One day, I’m fine. The next day I have a pain in my neck and googled it and was convinced it was cancer and I was going to die and leave my young wife and daughter. Then I had a full blown panic attack on Valentine’s Day and ended up in the ER, convinced I was having a heart attack. + +Since then, it has been on and off struggles with a brain tumor fear—my longest battle. But every January, the anxiety comes back with a vengeance. I know this is the case for a lot of people... the bad weather, the dark days with not a lot to do, it takes a toll. + +Remember. Take care of yourself. Excercise, hell even just go on a walk. Distract yourself. Don’t seclude yourself. Don’t google. Eat your greens. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. + +We’re all fighting the same battle. We’re all constantly battling with the very real symptoms that our bodies have. The very real fear of passing before your time, or having a terminal disease. I care about each and every one of you. Hang in there. And let’s fight the good fight every day. ",Anxiety +34948,"Anyone else having a tough weekend? Just having a rough weekend. Anxiety is at an all time high, but a nice chat with a fellow Redditor calmed me a bit last night, so would anyone else like to share how they’re getting on this weekend? ",Anxiety +34949,"Serious question about oral sex and HIV Yesterday I gave a blowjob to someone . First ten seconds was without condom . (I am 22 male) + +The I put the condom on and it was on until he came in it . + +I was afraid he might have HIV and I might be infected too. + +so today I asked to get tested .We went together and the tests came negative . + +But the doctor said he needs to get tested 3 months later to make sure . + +Now I'm worried . Please help me . thank you .",Anxiety +34950,"Eyelids twitching for many months? Just wondering how many people here have had their eyelids twitching for many months (or longer)? If you finally got it to go away, what did you do? + +I see a lot of posts where people are stressing about eyelids twitches they’ve had for days or weeks (or sometimes hours). But mine have twitched to varying degrees since last May or so. I have tried several bouts of destressing, improving my sleep, meditating, exercising, eating bananas, drinking tonic water, taking multivitamins, ... but can’t seem to get them to stop twitching. + +I also notice if I blink hard, sneeze, look certain directions, etc that they’ll start twitching. If I partially close my eyes then the muscles around my eyes quiver like they’re straining to hold the position. Which leads me down the path of thinking it’s more than stress / anxiety and something more in my muscles or nervous system. Especially since it has lasted this long, through many periods of low stress. + +Any advice from people who have beaten this? I can’t even remember what it was like to go a whole day without twitching! ",Anxiety +34951,PSA: dont look at askreddit right now. Y'all know the drill. Huge thread of symptoms that will no doubt trigger your HA. Take care of yourself and try not to go over there. ,Anxiety +34952,"Tunnel vision when going cross-eyed? My friend found this 'thing' you can do with your eyes, so I tried it and now I'm abit freaked (more than abit), wondering if anyone can explain it. So this doesn't seem to work inside, only in bright sunlight as far as I've noticed. If you stand outside, in the sunlight(bright) and get in a spot where your side vision is showing the blue sky or something you can clearly see and isn't crowded/moving - then begin by putting your finger infront of your face in-line with your nose, slowly move it in until it's touching the tip of your nose (so you're now crossed-eyed), you'll notice the 'sides' of your vision in each eye have a tunnel-vision kind of effect and go black, once you stop being cross-eyed, it dissapears. why? Going crossed-eyed straight away also does this. can someone please explain this or atleast go out of your way to try and do it just so I'm not so alarmed. you know how HA can be :(",Anxiety +34953,"This is ruining my life. I need to make a change. Title says it all. This is ruining my life and making me feel like life isn't even worth living. All I do is obsess and worry and browse the internet. I'm 27 F, and in the past week I have gone from worrying about brain tumours to MS to early onset Parkinsons to liver cancer, blood cancer, Meneire's disease, diabetes, and other illnesses. + +I've been like this my whole life. I don't even know why, but ever since I've been a kid I've been worried about my health. I was a semi sick child, but nothing life threatening or horrible. I have been seeing a therapist off and on since I've been 14 and it does help, though I haven't gone in a few weeks. + +2 months ago I began getting vertigo. Doctor told me it was an inner ear problem, and the whole thing made my anxiety completely spiral out of control. I haven't stopped thinking about whats wrong with me or worried about not being dizzy for longer than 15 minutes in the last 10 weeks. The room spinning vertigo is gone, I'm just left with some random dizzy spells and disequilibrium/unsteadiness. I was convinced the doctor missed something, so they agreed to do some blood work and booked an MRI. They don't seem overly concerned but said they will do it. I'm waiting for the MRI, but just got news back from my bloodwork. Apparently it's all normal expect for my B12, which is elevated (cut off is 950 and I'm 1048).. This is pretty unusual, since B12 is normally low if anything. I have been taking B12 supplements, so I'm going to try to assume that's what caused it (the nurse told me about the blood results and the doctor has yet to follow up, so I don't know what to do about it besides stop taking the supplement) but of course my crazy self went on Google and found out high B12 can be indicative of blood or liver cancers and is really serious. Cue freak out. + +I'm just done. I'm so done living like this. I don't know what the follow up will be for the B12, if anything, but I'm just going to be sitting here wanting to browse the internet in hopes of making myself feel better when in reality I never will. I will sit here and think about every bodily sensation and worry about feeling off balance, and worry about something sinister going on and picturing all the horrible scenarios that are going to happen and how I'm going to die young and suffer and leave my children motherless. + +&#x200B; + +I just have to make a change. Even if I do have blood cancer or liver cancer (my current fear), there isn't anything I can do about it. It's not like worrying is going to make it go away, so why do I do this to myself? I can't do another day like this, searching for answers and being constantly scared. I've booked an appointment with my psychologist for this Wednesday and I am vowing to myself to get off Google and never go back on for answers. I don't know what else to do yet, but I feel this is a good start. + +&#x200B; + +Anyone people who have cured their health anxiety who have tips? Or just any commiseration out there is helpful too. ",Anxiety +34954,"Healthy anxiety is literally going to kill me (Sorry for the essay) Okay so you're all going to probably think I'm a nut job and you're probably right.. I've been a bit of a hypochondriac since a child but it's gotten way worse in recent years (I'm now 27). I actually don't even know what to do anymore? I went to counselling about this last year and it did zilch! The past year has been my absolute worst!!! + +I'm a Googler and it's really starting to piss me off! Every single pain I get I end up googling it and lose my shit thinking it's cancer or something deadly. Heck, sometimes I don't even Google it and I just assume it's something bad! The anxiety got that bad in the summer time that I was crying every night and having no sleep thinking I was going to die and couldn't get out of bed for work. I'd literally made my self depressed. I then did actually get really ill from all the worry and stress. I just don't want to have death thoughts everytime I feel a pain or a niggle! I'm even getting scared of feeling my own breasts incase I feel a lump!!! I also hate it when I see articles on Facebook telling you the symptoms to look out for for certain cancers and then those symptoms are stuck in my brain for life and I end up tying those symptoms to my pains and thus the anxiety begins! I'm literally stressed and on edge every single day now, it's exhausting! + +So my question is, is there anybody else out there suffering with this too? And how are you coping with it? I literally can't go on like this, feeling like i'm going to die all the time. It's an absolute waste of life. + + + +",Anxiety +34955,"Keep puking and its making me anxious that I might have something dangerous So yesterday I caught a bad cough and stuffy nose and ever since then I been puking the food I eaten in like 30 minutes time( large meals) I can only eat fruit and even that makes me feel nauseous :l I have acid reflux but it doesn't feel like that is the cause. I been convincing myself that maybe I caught Barretts esophagus(think thats the name), and that ill never be able to eat normal :L",Anxiety +34956,"I need help. In a bad state. I’ve never posted on Reddit before, but here it goes: I’m 31, female, and I have been suffering (and I mean suffering) from what I am reluctant to label health anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety, panic, and depression since I was 19. I have also had severe stomach problems since I was probably about 10 years old. For the last, I would say, 4 months of 2018, I had intensifying acid reflux. I avidly practice yoga, and it got to the point that I couldn’t do down dog without bile coming back up my throat. Christmas night, I suffered a panic attack out of the blue...and somewhere around that time (I can’t recall exactly when) I must have googled that symptom (severe acid reflux) and ended up at the conclusion that I have stomach cancer or pancreatic cancer. I have rather honed in on pancreatic. In the weeks following this, I have completely lost my appetite. I’ve dropped about 10-15 pounds. I have horrible dry mouth, pains in my abdomen and back, sporadic diarrhea (when I actually can eat anything) I cannot work, be a mother, or give my attention to anything that isn’t focused on my impending demise. I have obsessively written down my theories about what I think I have, my symptoms and what’s causing them. I feel as if I can feel the cancer in my body. I’ve even researched how to tell my child that I have cancer bc I want to be prepared. I endlessly google and search YouTube videos. I have an emergency appt with my primary care doctor of 5 years tomorrow, and I am terrified. My mother is having to drive me bc I am so incapacitated mentally. I have considered checking myself into a psychiatric hospital, but I ultimately see no point in that bc I know it’s not mental. I don’t know what I want from posting this. I’m just at the end of my rope and wanted to share my story. ",Anxiety +34957,"Scared of pain but not death? I have significant heart anxiety, I've been dealing with it for about 8 years, panic attacks the lot. + +Something I realised today is I'm not afraid of death so much as having pain from a heart attack, anyone else?",Anxiety +34958,"How do I get over exercise anxiety? I haven’t worked out in years and try not to over exert myself too much because I have this fear that I’m somehow going to have a heart attack and die by doing so. Idk if this is normal, but when I do exert myself, I get lightheaded, nauseous, shaky, weak, pins and needles sensations, etc. and it just ignites my HA to the point where I try avoid it at all costs. + +I know exercise anxiety is a common thing among those with HA, but I can’t seem to break through it. It’s even gotten to the point where I will unconsciously make myself breathe lighter, even when not doing any physical activity, just so I can’t hear myself breathing (I guess my brain associates audible breathing with physical exertion??). And then that leads to even more anxiety/symptoms because my respiration gets all screwy from not taking full, deep breaths. + +I really don’t want to go my whole life having these anxieties when most other people don’t even give it a second thought. Is there any way I can get over this? Does anyone have any advice?",Anxiety +34959,"Heart rate app Was having a bad HA day so I decided to download an app called ""cardiac diagnosis"" it is saying I have an abnormal arrythmia and tachycardia and that I am in danger. Now I'm on the verge of panic and don't know what to do. I had a holter monitor about a year ago and I was cleared but something could have changed since then. I am so scared what should I do? :(",Anxiety +34960,"HA over some yogurt I just ate I opened up a new container of yogurt today (one of those big 2 lb ones) and when I did, I noticed there was some liquid, as well as tiny holes covering the entire surface - almost as if there were bubbles that gathered on top and then popped leaving behind tiny indentations. + +I’m not so worried about the liquid since that’s common, but I’m wondering what those holes were. I scraped off the top layer and the yogurt underneath seemed fine so I ate it, but now I can’t stop thinking about the possibility it might have been bad. I know I can’t do anything about it now, but my mind keeps fixating on the thought that it wasn’t safe to eat and I’m somehow going to get sick. + +Does anyone have any words of advice that might help to calm my anxiety about this?",Anxiety +34961,"How can you overcome health anxiety? Hi, I (21F) grew up with a few chronic illnesses (Type 1 Diabetes, hypothyroidism, and Scoliosis). I've been a ""hypochondriac"" my entire life. From potential Diabetes complications (floaters that emerged last year have caused me to think I'm going blind every day, despite appointments with 3 different eye doctors who all said that I was fine) to thinking I have HIV (I don't) to Lymes Disease, I always freak myself out. Especially about my eyes. It's hard to go on in my day to day life and my therapist doesn't help much. + +&#x200B; + +So how can one overcome health anxiety?",Anxiety +34962,"Dealing with ALS Anxiety Hi All, + +This is my first post here, but I've found the content extremely helpful as I've tried to manage my anxiety about ALS for the last week or so. + +I'm a 30 year old male, in what I would consider very good health, but since an incident 2 weeks ago I've had extreme and debilitating health anxiety about having terminal cancer or ALS. + +It started with numbness and tingling in my feet, legs, and eventually groin after watching a live basketball game in an uncomfortable chair. I was already worried due to a urinary issue that started a week before this incident (and has since resolved) so I think I was a bit more on edge than normal. + +Anyway, since this event I've had the perception of weakness in my body and the feeling comes and goes. I don't have any evidence of actual weakness, but when I think about lifting weights I dont think I can lift the same amount that I'm used to. As a result, I'm compelled to do strength tests with objects around me. It's a nightmare. + +To make matters worse my thumb on my left hand had been twitching slightly for 2 days now. I can see a visible pulsation in my hand near the base of my thumb and hand. I'm thinking my thumb may be twitching as a result of whatever artery/vein is there, but I'm really scared. + +I've gone to a few doctors over the last few weeks (urologist and nurse practitoner) and they haven't flagged anything as a cause for concern. I'm set to see my PCP on Friday. ALS fear is consuming my life... can anyone help?",Anxiety +34963,"Home Remedies for Dehydration Dehydration occurs when your body has lost more fluid than you have taken in. Remaining hydrated is critical to your overall health. Every cell in your body needs water, along with oxygen, to function properly. + +Anyone can become dehydrated, but those at a higher risk include infants, young children, older adults, people with chronic illnesses, endurance athletes and people living at high altitudes. + +Some common causes of dehydration are vigorous exercise in hot weather, diarrhea, vomiting, excessive sweating and increased urination. + +Read the secret tips for : https://www.srisaihospital.com/blog/home-remedies-for-dehydration + +[Sri Sai Super Speciality Hospital](https://www.srisaihospital.com/) + +\#𝟭 𝗛𝗼𝘀𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗶𝗻 𝗠𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗮𝗯𝗮𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗼𝗻 + +20 years of 𝗘𝘅𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 & 𝗧𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 + +\#SriSaiHospital #Hospital #blog #Tips #dehydration",Anxiety +34964,"Anxiety about heart Last week I went to the emergency room for heart palpitations. They did a chest x-ray, EKG, and blood work. In the end, I was told that I had a spot on my lung and a slight irregularity in the EKG. Blood work was all fine. It was suggested I follow up with a cardiologist for an echocardiogram and 24-hour holter monitor and a radiologist for the CT. I had the CT scan done last Friday and it was a calcification in the lung (probably from a childhood of asthma, bronchitis, and pleurisy). No big deal. However, the palpitations had worsened to the point I couldn't sleep on Thursday (they're at their worst when I try to sleep). I spoke to the cardiologist and he suggested magnesium which has helped calm it down I think. However, I've now developed a cough which has been worsening over the last few days. I went in to the cardiologist this morning to get the 24 hour EKG put on and drop off the CT scan results and, just an hour after, the nurse called and asked if I would be okay to move my appointment from next Monday to this Friday at 9 am. I am completely freaked out that there is something really wrong--especially since the appointment was moved up. If the doctor had noticed anything really wrong, would he have gotten me in more immediately? I think all the anxiety about the condition is making all the symptoms worse and I'm not really sure how to stop it completely. Any advice is appreciated. ",Anxiety +34965,"Worried about colon cancer... again. Hey all long story short I’ve been worried I have colon cancer for like 5 years now with months of not worrying alternating with weeks of major anxiety. I’m 24/ M / 190 Pounds and have struggled with blood on the toilet paper every few months. About a year ago I went to urgent care to try and remedy my worry, had a digital rectal exam that the doctor said was “totally normal” which relieved me for all of about a month. For the last few months I’ve felt like I finally beat my worry and today I went and had like 2 little drops of blood on the wipe I used even after a relatively soft and easy to pass stool. So now I’m here, trying to decided if I should pay up and have a colonoscopy or if I’m just letting my anxiety get to me again. Anybody else have this fear or any advice for someone who does? ",Anxiety +34966,"Scaring myself I have cancer? Basically what it says. My left armpit I noticed, when I was in the shower at times it feels a little sensitive! I googled this and it says breast cancer or lymphoma. So now I’m worried about that. I don’t feel bumps though. + +I was also reading about experiencing pain after alcohol! Sometimes when I take a shot, my upper back and head hurt, I feel like I have a heavy weight on me. Read this can be lymphoma symptoms, now very worried! + +Anyone have these issues?",Anxiety +34967,"At the end of my rope, no idea what to do and constantly want to kill myself for feeling this way. IMPORTANT: I am not currently in danger of hurting myself and i have the suicide prevention number in my phone. I AM however always contemplating killing myself to free myself from this constant health related anxiety. + +I am a 26 year old american guy, no health insurance. + +For the past 8 years now Ive been battling some absolutely crippling health anxiety. After almost dying doing some drugs in college I really shouldnt have (K2/spice), I have been in constant fear that I am dying for one reason or another ever since. + + Ive convinced myself I had heart failure and had multiple echos, EKGs, ultrasounds, etc of my heart done, all clear. The stress from all of that caused me to develop migraines really badly within the first year. Those migraines caused me to convince myself I had an aneurysm or meningitis, so I had CT Scans, MRIs, angeograms, a spinal tap, all came back clear and I was told it is just migraines. This has been going on for years and this past summer I spent a month in an inpatient facility for actually trying to kill myself over it. + +Now, after recently reading about a brain eating amoeba killing a woman in seattle for using a neti pot, ive been sleepless and at a 12/10 on the anxiety scale convinced Ive got only a week left to live. + +I'm at the end of my rope, I dont know how to stop feeling this way all the time. I have constant panic attacks, I spend a lot of my days crying and I am just so paralyzing AFRAID that I'm dying I can hardly function. + +Please, what should I do? ",Anxiety +34968,"Hit my head about 2 months ago, have vertigo and memory issues Hi guys. I hit the side of my head very hard on the corner of a table in late November. I didn’t lose consciousness and there was no blood. I also didn’t have vomiting or nausea. That said, lately I’ve been having vertigo (feeling like the floor is moving out from under me) and i feel extremely out of it, like I’m living in a movie, along with shortness of breath. Everything is made WAY WORSE by caffeine. Also sometimes i will have a headache or dull pain in the area that i hit my head but it’s about once a week so not often. I have been to two doctors who have examined me and said I’m fine but I’ve had no CT scan or MRI. I am so scared i have a hematoma or something!! But it’s also been two months and in that time i have had a LOT of alcohol, been on a vacation, and been on rollercoasters and I’ve been ok minus the vertigo and brain fog. How worried should i be?? Please help me! ",Anxiety +34969,"Can someone talk me through this?! Coping mechanisms Hi everyone. + +I would like to start by saying I am already on medicine and I have 3 big changes in my life; every time a change comes up, I fall back down this rabbit hole of “having a brain tumor.” + +I can’t stop obsessing over it and being a military wife, I can’t let this happen each PCS/ move. I make myself feel the symptoms: tingly feet, headaches, dizziness, foggy vision, etc. and I can’t stop focusing on every little pain, or ailment. I don’t know what to do. My medicine works great except for these times of change. I run, I watch what I eat. How else can I deal with this? + +Please, any and all suggestions welcome!!!! ",Anxiety +34970,"death anxiety plus health anxiety after my fathers death hi folks, my dad passed away on december 2018 after a horrible accident who drove him in a coma state, after a month in the intensive care unit he lost a lot of weight, he looked soo skiny and fragile, i was witness of his extreme agony, then he woked up from the coma state just to realize that he had irreversible neurological damage, everytime when i went to visit him to his room, he started to cry, feeling unable to speak due the damage. + +when everything looks stable to my dad (aparently) the doctors tooks the desicion to send him to our house, and then start to the recovery terapy regime, in the second day, he died, the cause of his dead maybe was due cardiac issues, since then i cant sleep properly, my mind are broken, i can see my dad in my nigthmares, suffering as the days when he was at the hospital, now i have an existencial crisis, i realize that life is so short, also im suffering from health anxiety, i fear to heart diseases, always checking my heart rate, my blood pressure, and when i sleep, in my dreams, i can see my body in a coffin, feeling that im dying or already dead + +what can i do guys? i know this is part of the grief, but what can i do for the health anxiety?, i used to smoked weed, since that incident and due the health anxiety everytime when i smoked i experienced full blown panic attacks, i die in my nigthmares, i see my dad suffering in those dreams.... + +note: my dad was young, and his dead was unexpected. + +im depressed now, yess, but anxiety is worse than my depression",Anxiety +34971,"No relief... It's pretty frustrating but knowing my anxiety is causing me a lot of these worrying physical sensations, it doesn't make them go away. I'm well aware that I'm struggling with health anxiety and when things flare up I tell myself over and over that it's a mental problem but I still don't get much relief. + +I take painkillers almost every day for various aches and pains, I try sipping water when my throat feels tight. I know I don't get enough exercise (it can exacerbate feeling shaky and lightheaded) and I probably don't eat right either. I get low moods and feel unmotivated a lot of the time. + +Any tips on how to self help? What small things work for other people? ",Anxiety +34972,"I'm so done with these thoughts I can't deal with this anymore. Every ache, pain, itch or sensation is something that I'm hyperaware of. I can't go a day without thinking there's something wrong with me. Every night I lie in bed wondering if I'll wake up in the morning, and every morning I dread getting up out of bed. + +I'm not too bad when I'm with people, it's when I'm alone with my thoughts is when they really start to manifest. I'm 19 and currently in university and this is having an impact on my work and social life. This all began after I lost my grandmother to cancer last November. Seeing the struggle messed me up, and it didn't help that she died in my house and I spoke to her the night before she passed. + +I'm just so damn sick of this. What the hell do I do? I feel so suffocated by myself. I'm at breaking point. + +Tldr: grandmother died of cancer and now I am scared for my health.",Anxiety +34973,"I have a dull aching pain in my lower left abdomen and sometimes in my lower left back, i dont really know what to think anymore and i have kinda prepared myself for death. It has been going on for months, it has not really gotten much worse, but it still worries me. I feel no lumps or anything like that, i have no other symptoms besides the aching, wouldn't i be dead already if it was cancer?",Anxiety +34974,"Sharp/Intense Pain in lower left abdomen? Hello! + +&#x200B; + +First of all, i want to say, a couple of days ago i saw a picture of warning for testicular cancer so i insta checked my testicles and i felt a bump on top of it. I started reading other symptoms of this and i think i saw lower abdomen pain but i dont think its related to this! + +&#x200B; + +For about 3 days ive had this random sharp pain in my lower left abdomen. It can stay for hours and then its gone but then it comes back. It's been going on for about 3 days and im getting worried. I'm a known sufferer and i have very intense health anxiety. I've stopped taking my pills and im on my 3rd week i believe without them. Can this be something thats causing this? I'm super paranoid about it and its all i think about and it feels like im the only one with this symptom in the so called health anxiety people. Has anyone else had a similar pain in there left lower abdomen or am i really alone?",Anxiety +34975,"Shortness of Breath Hi, + +I'm a 28 year old relatively healthy male who experienced my first ever panic attack on January 3rd (after waking up sometime in the beginning of December having a mini-attack and shortness of breath followed for weeks). I was sitting at home watching Friends and my left arm started tingling and immediately my heart started pounding and I started sweating - I eventually calmed down and went to the emergency room (i've never done that before) to get checked out - the doctor checked my blood pressure, oxygen, etc and said everything looked fine. + +I felt really weird after that. I had an appointment with my family doctor to get blood work, an ECG, and a lung/chest x-ray done and yesterday I was told that everything looked fine on the scans. + +Today I got shortness of breath again. Has anybody experienced something like this before? Is it normal for shortness of breath to linger for a few months when you're feeling stressed? + +I don't want to become a hypochondriac and I trust my doctor but it just feels off to me. +",Anxiety +34976,"DVT Anxiety Hello.I'm male,177cm 76kgs,first it was aneurysm that I was afraid of,now it's DVT.I don't know why but I've heard a story about young guy getting killed by it all of a sudden. I have not been inactive,I always try to walk a lot,with my headphones I can walk the whole city without getting tired,but one day pain started in my lower left leg,mostly muscle,it also got little tingly,but I mostly worry about it at night,when I have time to OVERTHINK. I went running and just got home,I have this tightness in my muscle again,I've had this feeling for like 2 weeks and kind of pain sensation over and under my knee.I know it's just my mind,but pain of calf is really discomfort for me and I immediately think about it exploding and killing me.I just wanted to tell you about my fear,thanks for listening! ",Anxiety +34977,"Son has weird bump on shoulder I'm waiting for new insurance to come through before I can take him to the doctor, I was hoping to be able to post a picture of it but I guess this sub won't let me. My 8yr old has what looks like a blood blister on his shoulder. It's a red bubble, not purple like a blood blister you get when smashing your finger or anything. It looks nothing like any picture I've looked up. Just a bright red bubble and it's been growing the past 3 weeks or so, it was very tiny before and he had picked at it thinking it was a scab, it bled and bled, but that was when it was the size of a large freckle maybe, now it's the size if a mole. Has anyone seen or experienced anything like this before?",Anxiety +34978,"Tightness in my chest for like a week now? Been feeling like I can't get a good enough breath lately, and tight through my chest. It's really starting to scare me! I have acid reflux often and I'm hoping that maybe that's just it, even when I'm not feeling other symptoms? ",Anxiety +34979,"Problems with stomach and I feel like I'm about to fall apart... Recently, I began having problems with my stomach and I'm paranoid/panicking that they are something worse. + + +I'm 20, Asian, overweight (195 at 5'11), and I'm worried that the symptoms I have are something really bad- abdominal pain, gas issues, constipation, diarrhea, and yellow, runny stool that I don't know where it came from. + + +Has anyone have symptoms like this? Do they know where they came from and why? Is it a sign of something bad? Because I'm on the verge of panicking right now and need to know.",Anxiety +34980,"Anyone else here with HA who works in a biomedical/disease-related field? Hi everyone! This community is a great support on days I'm feeling bad, and I've had this question on my mind for awhile. + +I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, officially diagnosed w/ GAD when I turned 13, and have been on meds/in therapy since. One component of my anxiety is bouts of severe hypochondria that wax and wane as far as I can remember (my earliest memory of this is crying to my mom because I was terrified of having cancer and dying - I was 7). + +While I was terrified of diseases, I was also fascinated by them. I remember watching Mystery Diagnosis episodes when I was in middle school (which, while super cool to me when watching, would result in me later being terrified by whatever disease the episode featured). When I began seeing a therapist and psychiatrist, I got very interested in mental illness, and later that led me to an interest in neurological disease in high school, which, eventually, as it turned out, morphed into my career. + +(Very) long-story-short, I ended up getting my undergraduate degree in neuroscience, and am now a 1st-year PhD student in molecular biology, where I study protein misfolding in neurodegenerative diseases. For someone who spent much of their life with bad HA, it's very ironic that so much of my time is now spent attending lectures on disease and taking courses in pathology. I still struggle with my anxiety, but regularly see a therapist & psychiatrist to keep things in check. + +My experience has led me to wonder if anyone else in this community has a biomedical/research/disease-related job? If so, I'd love to hear your stories. ",Anxiety +34981,"Urinary retention when I wake up in the morning? When I wake up in the morning to pee, pee doesnt seem to pass right away even though I have the urge. Sometimes i had to sip a bit of water to pass it. However, i pass urine normally during the day. +Has anyone experienced this? I can’t seem to find articles online.",Anxiety +34982,"I just stopped an upcoming panic attack and i feel great about it Just now, i Stopped a panic attack. I have never stopped a panic attack before and this is my first one in a while. Worrying to much about my abdomen caused me to have a panic attack but i felt it coming. My breathing started to feel heavy, i started sweating and having chills, you know what its like. What did i do to stop it? I thought of something i saw on a youtube video that i never belived would work. Firstly, I opened my window (cold does help with panic attacks atleast for me). Then I started tapping in my face and started to rate my panic attack from 1-10 and see how bad it was after every 30 seconds. It's still about 4/10 but it went down quick and it did not explode to a fully attack. I got the abdomen pain still but now i know that it is most likley my anxiety thats causing it.",Anxiety +34983,"CT Scan Worries 20 Y/O trans guy getting a abdominal and pelvoc CT scan for chronic pelvic pain, blood in urine, and possible stones that never passed. I have been suffering for months and I have been delaying this procedure for weeks. My doctor fianlly listened and referred me to a urologist. I have already done an X-RAY and gotten referrals to urogynecology with no conclusive answers except using Tylenol for pain. + +Before this happened to me MDs have offered SSRIs and asked me if this was an exacerbation of my anxiety. + +Wish me luck y'all! I've been googlong ways to reduce radiation and calling all the CT scan centers near me... + +Apparently I can use lead shields for my legs, chest, arms, and thyroid which means a lot to me. + +I am trying not to worry about the long term issues about radiation but it can be exhausting. + +Y'all are strong and thoughful people and I wish the best in your health journeys. ",Anxiety +34984,"16 and worried about my weight I'm a 16 year old male and I've always been really underweight and I have a terrible diet, rarely eat fruit or veg. When I was 12 I was 4.5 stone, and now that I'm 16 I average at around 7 stone. Since I've always been underweight, I've never really worried about it but recently I've started to worry, it makes sense because of my terrible diet, and that I never exercise, but with all this anxiety about my health I've started to worry, is this something I should be worried about? Or is it as simple as eating healthier and getting more exercise, thanks. ",Anxiety +34985,"Random Pleurisy? I get random pleuritic chest pains every so often. This has happened for the past 6-ish years. Two years ago, I got very scared by it and went to the ER. They ran a D-Dimer test to check for pulmonary embolism and the results came back normal. I'm getting a little nervous about the possibility of PE again, even though I have no risk factors. I'm 22 yo, active, I don't smoke, I'm not overweight, and I'm not on hormonal birth control. Why am I having random pleurisy again?",Anxiety +34986,"Has anyone’s anxiety gave them upper back pains? 23F. I am currently dealing with upper back pains (specifically in between and around my shoulder blades) and I have no idea the cause. I don’t work out, nor I barely lift anything more than 5lbs. I work in retail, the most my body ever hurts is when I finally sit down and my feet. I sleep in the same left side position I have been for the last 2 years or so and this also helped out with my gastric issues. I’m not sure if it’s my posture, but I can’t disagree that it could be. But, I get no relief when I straighten my back. This pain/ache does have the tendency to migrate between left and right, spreads out in a line, and seems to never go past 1/2 inch of my shoulder blades. + +The most that has changed in the last two months was my health anxiety, brought on because I thought I had esophageal cancer (spoiler: I don’t) and was actually suffering from an abnormal narrowing of my esophagus and was later discovered that I also had a mild case of gastritis and duodenitis that was **definitely** caused by my anxiety. Back to normal, lab work said that I had no infection or pre-cancerous tissue with a follow up of a barium swallow tomorrow. I got over and past my anxiety towards esophageal (and stomach) cancer. + +But, my upper back pain is starting to trigger me badly because I can’t stop switching between “you have lung cancer”... “nope, it’s pancreatic cancer”....“lung cancer”....”pancreatic cancer” and so on and so forth. I started checking for jaundice, my breathing, my lymph nodes, WebMD’ing/Mayo Clinic’ing, the whole sha-bang. The upper back pain came on roughly last week during a horrible nausea and vomiting episode for not taking my PPI. Most of my body went to normal, but my back didn’t. It doesn’t really help that during my episode... my entire back spazzed and stiffened up when I was laying down on my back. Didn’t stop until I managed to turn to my side. Yesterday, I panicked so badly that I made an appointment with a counselor, a psychiatrist, and a physician. + +**TL;DR:** I have migrating upper back pains for ~2 weeks, no known cause from what I know. Bad HA in the last 2 months. I’m becoming fearful that it’s between pancreatic and/or lung cancer. + +_I’m just trying to live my best life..._ + +",Anxiety +34987,"DVT Anxiety Hi all, + +&#x200B; + +So starting Monday morning my right leg (thigh just above the ankle) started to hurt in a weird mix of a cramp and DOMS like way. The pain didn't go away for three days now and yesterday when examining it with my gf my leg has also swollen and became tender at the area where the pain comes from. + +&#x200B; + +This morning I went to my GP who measured my legs, and examined them with her hands. She said she doesn't think it is a vein issue just a pulled or twisted muscle, so I should just rest and take over the counter muscle relaxing meds. I told her that I did not do anything particularly active over the weekend (just sleeping and playing video games pretty much), she still said that I could have just strained a muscle while sleeping and it might keep on hurting for 1-2 weeks even. + +&#x200B; + +I am still very worried and anxious as DVT is often misdiagnosed and people even die after being sent home thinking that it is just a muscle strain. My leg still hurts with no improvement whatsoever (maybe even getting a bit worse, although that might just be my brain), it is swollen in one area, but I am not feeling extra warmth and there is no discoloration. ",Anxiety +34988,"Canker Sore: Is this cancer concerns. So every now and then when I drink, I chew tobacco. Over 2 years, I have done it 6 times and probably a total of one can of dip across all of that. + +Anyway, I chewed 10 days ago or so. And a few days after, I had was eating chicken and cut my lip on a bone. It's been 8 days, and the cut turned into a canker sore. It seems to be healing, and the pain from it is less every day. But my mind is convinced it is cancer from my very light tobacco use. Rationally, I know it isn't but still anxiety is there. + +Ugh.... + + ",Anxiety +34989,"Uncomfortable stomach and tiny rash on neck So for the past two days I’ve woken up with my stomach feeling somewhat uncomfortable with a little bit of nausea, no pain or cramps. I also noticed a tiny rash on my neck that’s extremely itchy, there is a chance I have gerd so it could just be that but the rash is scaring me.",Anxiety +34990,"Has anyone overcome this completely? I’m really looking for hope that I won’t have to battle this forever, I’ve been dealing with it for a year now. I’m 18 and I got my health anxiety from a panic attack on weed which I guess my me to aware of my heart and I started to panic. + +Ever since I thought there was something physically wrong which doctors could not find anything, even nothing stood out to the neurologist. I even had MRI of my head, neck and back. Nothing. Blood test nothing. + +Tldr: Is it possible to become completely normal again? Can health anxiety be completely overcome?! I really need hope so any success stories of you or people you know would be appreciated. I feel stuck.",Anxiety +34991,"GERD Fears - Please Help Hello, been a while since I posted here. Anyways, I've had on and off acid reflux since I was 19 or 20 (23 now). It started when I went to an ENT because my singing voice wasn't quite right (I sang a cappella in college) and he said ""oh you probably have GERD"". Never did a diagnostic test or anything. + +Then came Summer 2017. I heard that acid reflux can lead to Barrett's and then esophageal c. Coincidentally, I also started to feel a lump in my throat, which I knew HAD to be esophageal c. So, I got an endoscopy. It came back clean with a little irritation. BUT, it was clean! Great. Needless to say, the lump disappeared. + +I've been on and off meds for GERD ever since. For the past 6-9 months, I've been off them because, truthfully, my reflux hasn't been bad. Tums or Zantac usually suffices if I need it. PPIs aren't good long term anyways. + +About five days ago, the lump in my throat returned. Coincidentally, I've been drinking more coffee lately and being very liberal with my diet. I'm hoping the lump is one of two things. 1. Irritation from increased reflux due to liberal diet. 2. Cricopharyngeal spasm (essentially the upper sphincter in throat being too tight due to anxiety, stress, etc.). I am literally praying to God every night that it isn't anything worse, but I'm still terrified. Could my clean scope have progressed to Barrett's or worse in a year and a half? + +Background - I suffer from chronic OCD, anxiety, and depression. I just started my first real job since graduating college and recently moved into a new apartment. I've suffered from a sphincter spasm before... it was down south... not fun. When I take my klonopin (IT IS PRESCRIBED) it seems to get better. Additionally, my throat feels better when eating, drinking, or in the morning. PLEASE HELP ME. +",Anxiety +34992,"Back here again Damn colon cancer. + +I'm afraid again and it seems more palpable than ever. This started two years ago after getting some blood work done. I got in my head that I could have colon cancer. + +All my symptoms began after all results were good. I started having some light blood on my stool (a line here and there). Then my right lymph node grew, then shrunk, then grew and so on (it's still swollen but smaller). Then I started having diarrhea and watery dolls with a feeling of incomplete evacuation. Then I started noticing my skin is getting pale, more visible veins.(I sometimes see myself going from normal to pale to normal a couple of times in a day). I do the palmar crease pallor test almost constantly now. + +I noticed that my fingernails were either pale or blue - ish sometimes (started thinking of iron deficiency and that scares the cap out of me). + +Then I started feeling weaker, tired, after very little effort (should note that I put on 10 kg in this time). Arms started feeling weaker, got some armpit pain, chest pain, etc. + +Then my back started hurting. My lower left back. Sometimes my lower right too. Then it started hurting more and more often. Now it hurts along my left leg as well as left hip. I read a post a while ago that said the op was diagnosed after very similar symptoms, so naturally I started freaking out again. + +Now I'm seeing some similar stuff with my dad and it really drives me back to freaking out. + +I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the end of my rope. ",Anxiety +34993,Light brown line on nails I’m 17 years old I had these lines on my left index and middle finger for about two years. I’m feel healthy enough. But I’m freaking out reading about melanoma. ,Anxiety +34994,"I'm Going Crazy (Brain Tumor fear) Hey guys. +(Sorry if my grammar may seem a bit choppy. English is not my first language). +I'm running into alot of anxiety. I feel like I'm losing my mind at this point. + +I have been experiencing neurological symptoms that seem to come and go by months. It all started on Thanksgiving. The very first symptom was a strange headach. It was dull yet slightly painfull. What followed afterward was strange weakness feeling in my sholdure and jaw. These symptoms suddenly went away the after. A week I had expreinces no symptoms. In the beginning of December, I began to experience these same symptoms again. + +All day I could not keep my mind off of these symptoms. I eventually succumbed into a full blown panic attack. Those specific moment felt like I was about to die. +The symptoms continued throughout the month of December. During this time I was able to go to my family doctor. He seemed to shrug it off. +They took my blood, which turned out to be normal. +My anxiety not stopping either. These symptoms would occasionally relive than come back. There are period where these symptoms would become stronger and new ones will form. I began to expreince strange dizziness. My balance also felt slightly off. I could not keep my mind off of it. + +After Christmas, my symptoms seemed to have completely vanished. The symptoms seem to have been gone for a good month or so. Somehow everything felt better and I thought that was the end of that. + +Boy was I wrong. + +The symptoms all returned. And back came my anxieties of impending doom. +I did notice that these symptoms returned when my period was beginning to start. It did get worse when I was on my period.... I don't know if that matters. + +I'm still very worried that I have a brain tumor. I feel like that my family and friends think im going crazy, but they just dont understand. I'm scared and have no where to go... ",Anxiety +34995,"Health Anxiety causing physically visible symptoms? I recently had my first anxiety attack back in October after a google search on some symptoms that lead me to some pretty bad stuff. It was by far the worst anxiety i have ever felt over the past 3 months. I have been constantly lightheaded since the first panic attack and have had a lot of common symptoms that people on talk about. Shortness of break, tight legs, back pain, bowl issues, and vision issues. My main issues have been tingling in my middle finger, tightness in my forearm, and a sharp pain in my elbow and shoulder all in my right arm. I have been to many doctors including neurologist, orthopedic, thoracic, pain management, ent, PT, ER 3 times and have had almost every part of my body scanned by CT and MRI. I counted over 20 blood test and so far every single thing has come back normal. + +One doctor thinks I have thoracic outlet, but another doctor says I don't and that they are just trying to slap a generic label on my problem. This doctor also believes it is my body stuck in ""fight or flight mode."" The one issue that seems odd is that after using my right hand, such as in typing, my fingers will visibly slightly swell and my hand feel tight. I know stress can cause muscle tightness and my PT keeps commenting out tight the muscles are on the right side of my body from jaw to shoulder. Has anyone had anxiety/stress cause physically visible symptoms such as swelling? ",Anxiety +34996,"I found a bump on my arm and I’m panicking. I have a doctors appt in a couple weeks. But last week I found a small hard bump on the side of my arm, close to my elbow you can’t see it just feel it. I googled it like a dumbass so now I think I have cancer. I’m so upset I have been doing so well lately with my health anxiety. ",Anxiety +34997,"I need advice on what to do with my Enlarged Spleen &#x200B; + +In early december I found out that I have an enlarged spleen after MANY trips to the ER and being sent home because I was having ""a panic attack"" (which I have never had before) Finally, after probably over 10 visits I got a Doctor who believed me and got me appointments within days... At the time I thought it was my heart, I had a stress test done, and a echocardiogram, they said my heart was in really good condition. + +We also discovered I had a high D-dimer and was sent for a CT scan for a pulmonary embolism, which was clear too. My D-dimer has come down since to around 511, much better but not super. + +I then got a ultrasound of my gut because they thought maybe it was my galbladder, which was fine, they did however find out that my spleen was enlarged, it was something like 13.5 cm, so not super enlarged, it is still enlarged and it effects my day-to-day life. For example I cannot lie down on that side or cannot eat too much or it gets aggravated. + +I have been tested for Mono, it was clear, I have just recently (2 days ago) gotten my mirena removed (I need to illiminate all possibilities no matter how small) and he has put me on a high dose of 2 different antibiotics. There is nothing left that I can think of that could enlarge my spleen besides cancer or some sort of virus that has not been found. + +Other symtoms I am having, currently I have a cough, but I am getting a cold now. However I have had a dry couch since november. I can feel my nodes in my neck and they are really uncomfortable if touched or I turn my head in a funny way. Inside my left ear hurts occassionally, as well as my left side of my jaw, sort of where the ear pain meets my jaw. The nodes in my armpits occassionally hurt too. And sometimes my hands have a sort of aching pain as if I used them for something hard and the muscles were healing. + +The doctor keeps telling me to relax and enjoy my upcoming trip and enjoy life but WTH! Everything I have read online says ""AN ENLARGED SPLEEN IS NOT NORMAL"" I don't know where to go from here, I need help, advice... Something. I am Canadian, if that makes a difference. Thank you if you have gotten this far....",Anxiety +34998,"New Here Unfortunately Hi all. I am new to this forum and thought I might gain some reassurance from others who are having the same issues as myself. + +The last year or so has been filled with a few periods of time in which my health anxiety peaked. This often left me confused and helpless. Everything I feel or see makes me question if I am becoming seriously ill in some way. + +About 3 years ago I had my first issue with HA. I was having chest pains while playing baseball at school. I actually ended up going to the hospital for this and had an ECG. I was told that my heart was fine and it may just be growing pains as I was about 14 at the time. + +The next problem was where it really started to get much worse. About a year ago while showering I noticed a light brown spot (which was probably just a stain or dirt of some sort) on my foot sole. I could not stop thinking about this and was constantly measuring and photographing the spot to make sure it didn’t grow. I couldn’t help but to think this was melanoma. The dot eventually disappeared on its own after about 2-3 weeks. + +Next came issues of tingling in feet and hands. Being like I am, I did the worst thing you could probably do which was google it. Of course it is a symptom of diabetes. I now constantly feel what I believe to be different symptoms happening each day. Each symptom I hear of miraculously occurs the next day. In fact, I feel as if my vision is becoming blurred (another symptom of diabetes) as I type this. + +I know these symptoms appearing just after I learn of them is just my mind messing with me. Does anyone have any advice on how they were able to cope with these underlying thoughts? ",Anxiety +34999,"Stomach problems for 1 month Hi guys, me again :) + +So I’ve been having stomach issues for the past month which I am pretty sure are due to anxiety / stress, but still have got me worried! + +It began a month ago, when I took some magnesium on an empty stomach ( I’ve been taking it to help with palpitations) and I got crazy stomach cramps. Since then, I’ve had gas and bloating and uncomfortable bowel movements. I went to a doctor overseas (I’ve been traveling) who didn’t do any tests but just told me to take probiotics which I have been doing. + +Now that is been a couple weeks and things haven’t gone away I’m beginning to get worried. However, I can’t go to the doctor yet because my medical insurance doesn’t kick in until February 1st. + +A couple more details on my current symptoms: I have gas and bloating in the morning and before I go to bed. No problems really during the day. The pain does seem to be more localized on my right hand side. I do also get heartburn. + +Why I think it might be anxiety is because 1) I’ve travelled to 4 different time zones in the period of a 6 weeks which usually messes with my digestion. 2) I’ve been pretty anxious and stressed out because of traveling, flying, and looking for work. 3) my diet has been really out of whack as I’ve been in so many countries recently so I eat whatever is there. + +I’m finally back home for good now, so stress is going down but the symptoms have not unfortunately:( what do you guys think? I don’t want to go to the doctor until I get insurance because it will be very expensive but waiting a week or more to see what is going on is killing me! ",Anxiety +35000,"Worried sick about pancreatic cancer. HELP! First things first, I’m only 18 years old, white male 6’ 145lbs. I am a terrible hypochondriac with Anxiety and Health Anxiety. I need your help. Most nights, I get this pain on my left rib cage, near my upper abdomen and the pain is ONLY when I am lying down or sitting in an awkward position. I’ve had this pain for about a month now, it seems to come and go and it’s not so terrible that I can’t sleep. But, I am awfully scared I have pancreatic cancer due to the location of the pain, but I’m only 18. The pain seems to be at the very front of my rib cage and I don’t have any back pain, where the pancreas is located in the back. It might be just a simple muscle strain but I NEED reassurance. I’m so scared. PLEASE help! Thank you",Anxiety +35001,"Fear of MS, or is it just my anxiety? I know the likelihood of MS is so low but I don’t know. I have very stiff and tense muscles in my arms, upper back and shoulders and legs where I get frequent muscle spasms if they got overused Andy right leg has a dull burning/stinging sensation in one area of I don’t move it. I can feel the sensation of little shocks and tingles around those areas including the top of my head at certain points. Anxiety and stress seem to worsen the symptoms greatly as I don’t really get the tingles when I’m completely relaxed. I don’t see a neurologist until a week and a half and I really just want it to be a combination of stress/anxiety and the right muscles but that slim possiblity that it is frightens me. I don’t want to live with this pain and sensations forever ",Anxiety +35002,Why am i dizzy After watching a movie that had a brain tumor patient I've been feeling so lightheaded and off and honestly this is the first time my health anxiety has been back after years of not being active. I've been lightheaded for days and it's not getting worse but it sure aint getting better. I'm also just very stressed with school. I dont know whats going on. I cant check the hospital..this has happened last year and took a week to get rid of..whats wrong with me :( i just wanna live!!!!!!!!,Anxiety +35003,"Psyching myself out over hereditary cancer So this last Summer my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that has since gotten way worse. When she was diagnosed and they were testing her they found out that she a gene that can cause it and that gene can be passed down to my brother and I. I don’t even know the exact details of it, but I’ve read stuff about how with hereditary colon cancer you have anywhere from a 50-80% chance of developing it anytime before you’re 50. That obviously scares the absolute shit out of me. + +They said even with a healthy diet and exercise you still have a chance of getting it before 50. You can only do so much to control it basically. I went to see one doctor for something unrelated and she told me I needed to get screened at age 32 (I’m 22) but I’m scared I’ll get it before then and it’ll be too late. + +My mother didn’t realize she had it for over a year and when she finally had symptoms she was already stage 4. + +Idk I’m freaking myself the hell out because I’ve battled intense health anxiety all my life and what’s happening to my mother and what I’ve learned from it is triggering the fuck out of me. It doesn’t help that I’m extremely picky and find it harder than most to eat healthy and the only exercise I get is walking and light lifting at work. ",Anxiety +35004,"Tingling left chin and other parts - should I be concerned? Hi guys, + +So straight into it - I was stressing (panic attack probably) about my brother’s health (He got Leukaemia a few years ago) because I had thought it had came back. Also been pretty depressed thinking about in the past 2 months (never knew how bad it was). + +Now when I was worried about this, I felt a tingling sensation on my left chin. This was around two weeks. Maybe 4 times or so this has happened, however recently it feels like it has been more recurring (not sure if focusing on it has to do with it). I was super stressed thinking I’ve got cancer so I got my CBC, which there was no issue with. + +Now I went to the dentist today and told him about the tingling. He said to me to get an x-ray and he really wasn’t sure why it was like that. My wisdom teeth had came through and he was pretty stern on me getting it checked. That scared me a decent amount, he said that x-ray will show what the problem is. + + +Since this ordeal and getting the all clear after the CBC, I will get random tingling throughout my body for a few seconds in small sports it goes away. (As soon as I move my limb or finger, they go away) I’ve also been a bitch more itchy of late and get the occasional sharp pains. + + +However apart from this I’ve been fine (no other symptoms) Eating a lot, lots of energy, no headaches, not feeling tired, no blood in stool and no night sweats. I’m just concerned what this could be. Should I be concerned? + +Thanks guys love you all!",Anxiety +35005,"Used tap water to rinse sinuses, EXTREMELY anxious about ""brain-eating amoeba"" As the title states, yesterday (\~24 hours ago) I rinsed my nose with tap water. I later read on Google about the rare but possible infection and that it kills within 1 week 97% of the time. EXTREMELY anxious, can't get my mind off it. What do I do?",Anxiety +35006,"Contacting an Ex about STD Testing I've been dealing with healthy anxiety, particularly with being exposed to STDs (specifically HIV). I've only had sex (stupidly, unprotected) with one guy, an ex from two years ago. I realize what a huge mistake that was and I have since gotten tested for all STDs and tested negative for HIV using the 4th generation test. Last time I was tested was Aug. 2018. However, I've had a long list of symptoms since the exposure, thus the anxiety. I haven't been able to put the fear and anxiety behind me. There hasn't been a day within the last two years that I haven't thought about having hiv. I understand that the tests are negative and I should believe the results, and I want to. I'm about to start a new stage in my life and need to desperately put this behind me (it's been legitimately driving me crazy). I can't eat, think/focus, sleep nowadays. + +I've come to the conclusion that perhaps the only thing I think would put my mind to rest is reaching out to my ex ( who I had the unprotected sex with) himself. The thing is I haven't talked to him in over a year and have no idea how I would go about talking about this to him. But if an awkward conversation is the price I have to pay for my sanity and control of my life back then I have to do it. How do you suggest I go about this? Do I go straight to the point? I'd suggest him to get tested for confirmation. + +Please, any advice would mean the world.",Anxiety +35007,"Can't stop worrying about oral cancer I am a 20 year old and I have pretty bad HA I've had it under control for a little while now until recently when I felt a few little lumps on my gums at first I thought maybe it's a canker sore or something but my anxiety got the best of me when I saw an ad about oral cancer and it kicked my into the deep end. Now I don't know how long they were there so it was just recently I discovered it but I thought for sure that I had oral cancer. I called my dentist asked for him to check it out just to be safe he said ok. I went in today got a couple of x ray's than he looked in my mouth with the mirror thing he said ""Your x ray's came back good and I don't see anything wrong it looks like it might be just bit of extra bone but you have nothing to worry about."" for some reason my anxiety won't let me accept that. I have been trying everything to accept hat my dentist said but for my anxiety tells me ""Maybe he missed it?"" Now have been trying everything I can to get my HA back under control but I know it's going to be incredibly difficult. So I would like to know if you have any advice that can help me I would like to hear it. ",Anxiety +35008,"Toenail Melanoma? This sounds so stupid, but I’m worried about toenail melanoma. I recently removed my nail polish and noticed that on one of my toenails, a little less than half of it is a light brown color. The pigment starts from the edge of the nail so it’s not a sole brown line. It just looks like half of my nail lengthwise is a darker shade. For reference I am under 30 and darker-skinned, and I’m fairly sure I’ve had this pigmentation for awhile and it’s been noticed by my derm, but since I’ve had my nails painted I’m worried that somehow it changed or it looks different than I remember. + +I know it’s more common on the thumbs, index fingers, big toes - and it’s not on either of those. My two pinky toenails also currently have some brown pigmentation basically covering the whole nail. In all three toenails have some funky darker pigmentation going on right now. Admittedly this has been the first time I’ve cut my toenails in a little over a month so they were long. I also tend to wear heels frequently so I’m not sure if this pigmentation is more trauma based? + +I’ve been to the derm a few times in the past year for cancer/mole related concerns so I’d hate to keep going back. Any thoughts?",Anxiety +35009,"Whilst falling asleep - jolted awake with panic. Any tips to overcome? Hi all, + +I’m currently battling with myself, I’ve convinced myself I have something wrong with my heart due to some pains in my chest, despite seeing the doctor twice and them confirming it’s nothing to worry about. + +Whilst I’m up and about in the day I can deal with it and distract myself. However, I’ve found that almost every night as I’m falling asleep, just as I drift off; I have a feeling my heart has stopped/I’m having a heart attack and it holds me wide awake. + +I’m at wits end, and so done with being exhausted every day due to it taking hours each night to actually get to sleep. + +My doctors haven’t been very useful with advice, so has anyone else had a similar experience and have any tips on how to get over this? + +",Anxiety +35010,Carts Supplier hit me up if you need some real carts wickr ..packsonpacks710,Anxiety +35011,"Waiting on results, the last few anxious hours are the worst. I’ve been struggling with medical issues for a while now that are definitely exaggerated by health anxiety which has been hard in many ways. Mainly because I never know when I’m experiencing a real symptom or my anxiety is just getting the best of me. My doc wanted me to see a neurologist who ordered an MRI. I missed the call last night with what I thought would be results which left me waiting all night. I was so ready to call this morning and have my anxiety put to ease but all they said was the results were not specific enough and the neurologist wants to see them himself. So that brings me to now, about 10 am. At 11 I am planning to go grab the disk from the imaging center in my town and then bring it to drop off at my neurologist a little over an hour away. Then I have to drive home and wait for a call again. Ugh I’m so sick of the waiting and I’m scared it’s not a good sign that he needed to see it himself before giving me results.",Anxiety +35012,"Chest pains and limb numbness - Cardiac ischemia possible for F24? I'm female, 24 years old and I've been chronically experiencing most of the symptoms describing cardiac ischemia. For a few years, but more often lately. I have no issue of being overweight (rather almost underweight), and generally I don't seem like the type who'd have heart problems. I rarely smoke, don't drink. But I do go through a lot of emotional stress, am very depressed, and I don't move enough, spending a lot of time at home in bed. When I'm depressed, I often wake up full of anxiety, feeling like I'm almost having a heart attack. + +I know that I should probably do an ECG asap to know for sure, but I will only be able to do it in a couple of months. But I was wondering if it's my heart or something else, because I feel like its unlikely for a woman of my age and complexion to have heart problems? ",Anxiety +35013,"HPV Vaccination side effects? So yesterday I had myself vaccinated for HPV. My arm started aching immediately after the shot, which had never happened to me, usually my arm started to ache maybe 30 mins after the shot but I didn’t think anything of it. On the bus home from the hospital I was really drowsy and dizzy and stayed that way for a few hours. Today my arm still aches, usually for me my arm would’ve stopped aching by now, and my chest feels tight, maybe I’m over exaggerating but has anyone else had symptoms like these?",Anxiety +35014,"17 and scared I'm dying Hey everyone, this might be a very disgusting post so consider yourself warned. +About a month ago I saw blood in my stool, went to the doctor and got told it was hemorroids, everything was fine up until this month, I feel bloated all the time, yesterday I saw blood actually mixed in with my poop and today my poop was super dark brown almost black. +I don't know what to do, I already went to the doctor last week because of heart palpitations, I was scared I had a heart problem but it was just my anxiety...I don't want to have to go to the doctor yet again over something that is going to end up being nothing, but this seems more real than the other things I've gone to the doctor for (headaches, heart palpitations, problems with period, etc) +Anybody have any advice on what to do?",Anxiety +35015,"Pulsatile tinnitus So over the last week or so I've noticed that for about 10-15 seconds each day, I've heard a pulsing sound in my ear that sounds like a fan whirring. At first I thought it was an external sound, but then I pinned it down to coming from inside my head when I was in the bathroom one time. I googled it and it came up with pulsatile tinnitus, and it said the cause could be tumours, aneurysms, high blood pressure, hearing loss etc. + +I hear it in my right ear, and as I said it's normally for around 10 seconds a day at random times. I've been unable to trigger it or find a way to induce it; there seems to be no pattern to it. Which is odd because people who mention this talk of it being constant. + +I exercise regularly and do cardio, and I'm cutting down on my caffeine consumption to see if that helps. I've heard this can be a symptom of anxiety or can just be heightened awareness of my own body, which makes sense but don't exactly know what that means. You'd think I'd have noticed this before. + +Anyone experienced this before? ",Anxiety +35016,Just need ro be reminded im NOT having a heart attack. Dull aching pain in wrist hand and forearm. Other then that I'm fine. Maybe a little drowsy from it being late. Would love any and all support 💕,Anxiety +35017,"Can abandoned/old syringe needles give you HIVs? * Age: 16 +* Sex: Male +* Height: 5'4 +* Weight: 100 lbs +* Race: American +* Duration of complaint: 1 day + +Recently, was doing a small club cleanup and we've found like 6-7 syringe needles (some covered w/ blood) during our beach cleanup. However, I didn't touch them with my paper gloves at all but I've used sticks to find them. I'm starting to feel a little paranoid/insecure that even though I didn't touch them at all, the club decided to keep going at it and we were still picking up sticks and cleaning the rocky side of the island. And I was wearing slippers during that cleanup and didn't get to wash my hands right away. + +Can abandoned/old syringe needles give you HIVs? And is it only possible when injected? (I also probably should get blood tested if only I can convince my parents (they don't usually believe my suspicious concerns) to schedule an appointment)",Anxiety +35018,"I’m going to get cancer. I just know it. I’ll keep this short... + +Found out my grandma has cancer through my mother. She told grandma not to freak out because she had the same thing last year and had it removed. Wait, what?! She didn’t tell me she had cancer. She just mentioned surgery. Now two women have had the exact same cancer...which means I’m probably going to get it too. Actually I’m like 100% sure I will because one of my greatest fears (aside from pregnancy) is to die by cancers hand. Oh and plot twist...not having children actually increases my risk. Awesome. ",Anxiety +35019,"I don’t wanna dieeeeeee I’m not dying but I’m scared I’m gonna get lung cancer lol kill me. + +My mom smokes and I’m fucking 16 and idk why I’m paranoid ab this now it’s just stupid. + +Been like this ever since fucking last year when I had a lump in my jawline. It turned out to be a swollen salvitory gland or something and basically nothing. + +My doctor told me it could be cause for concern when he felt it (fuck him) so we looked shit up and it caused me to be concerned lmao. + +It came back tho but I think this is just a swollen lymph node because I think I have bronchitis or the cold or something who knows but still I get overly paranoid especially after drinking coffee I prolly gonna have to quit it.",Anxiety +35020,"How do I handle moving forward when it was actually something this time? I know no one can answer this and I’m rambling. I’ve had health/injury anxiety most of my life. It’s progressed from simple illness anxiety as a kid (I was genuinely terrified of throwing up in school. Still am but as an adult I feel that control to get myself out of a situation when I feel sick) to now as a 45 year old person worrying about more serious things. A few years ago I was convinced I was having a heart attack. You know the drill, typical symptoms but all the while I kinda knew I wasn’t. But something was wrong. Turns out I have Graves’ disease/hyperthyroid. It’s auto immune so now the statistic that one autoimmune usually means multiple has freaked me out. I have symptoms but they are not typical hyperthyroid sometimes and now I have this history of that one time it actually WAS something. Graves’ disease isn’t that serious considering the big picture, though. And I did something incredibly stupid. I did a 23 and me health analysis thing. Major dumb. I don’t even have the results yet but here I go. I guarantee I will suddenly have 100 more diseases by the end of next month. And I know that one time, I was right. Something was wrong. Any kind of therapy or acknowledgement of my fears is strictly forbidden in my family. We just don’t do that. We suck it up and move on. If my husband only could hear my inner thoughts I think he’d leave me. Or have me committed at least. ",Anxiety +35021,"Heath Anxiety has a higher IQ than Einstein. FACT Think about this! Health anxiety has the power to create symptoms out of thing air....if you are thinking about them. That’s crazy. + +Me: omg I think I might have a stroke +Health anxiety: hold my beer....lets make his face numb and arm numb. That should make him panic. +Me: omg I’m right it’s happening ",Anxiety +35022,Hate when I'm not feeling good Even just feeling dizzy and exhausted with identifiable causes (took like 3 different laxatives within the same 48 hours and didn't drink a lot of water) is making me panic. I wish I could feel better.,Anxiety +35023,"Coping Idk if this will be helpful to anyone else but I've been a hypochondriac my whole life, since very young. Over the last year I decided to improve my anxiety problems. I had an experience recently that kind of personified how I went about learning to cope better. Basically, when I was in high school, smoking weed usually gave me panic attacks until after it actually set in. After i took a hit, I had a hard time accepting the reality of the situation, which is the key point I am making here. As I have improved with my anxiety issues over the past year, I took up smoking weed again for a while, with very little anxiety. A couple weeks ago, I smoked more than I usually did, so the set in was much more intense. Although it felt good, I noticed there was some anxiety building up in the back of my mind. I began to panic. But I decided to try just letting go, and accepting the reality of what was happening. No more anxiety, I was able to enjoy the drug. So basically, what worked for me was accepting that something bad may happen to me and I just have to accept that and deal with it.",Anxiety +35024,"My life in a nutshell Here is my cycle... + +Get anxious +Clench teeth +Get pains in face +Moves to head +Dying of brain tumour +Freak out +Rinse and repeat + +Honestly!!!! ",Anxiety +35025,Tonsils bleeding I have tonsil stones and I was trying to get one out when my tonsils started bleeding out of no where from a completely different spot. Do you think it could be from me irritating them or what? ,Anxiety +35026,"Venting A little info- new to the community. I’m 18f, weight is 165 at 5’4. Back in September I got diagnosed with a stomach infection called cdiff. It’s been a whirlwind since then. If you read up on it it’s super hard to get rid of mainly because elderly people primarily get it and it’s a spore firming bacteria. It can kill you. It caused me tremendous anxiety. But of course with my luck, I contracted it. I was on antibiotics for two months, now I’m waiting to retest my stool again. I have to wait a month at least in case I get a false positive stool test. Everything has been normal bathroom-wise for a month. So I thought I had gotten rid of it, and was excited to go back to the doctor. Until yesterday, my lose stools came back. Again. And now I’m through the roof just upset. If I test positive for it again, (I’ve tested positive twice now.) then I go in for a fecal matter transplant. Also for the past few months I’ve been experiencing this sternum pain, literally in my chest bone. Only with certain arm movements. Anywho, moral of this is that I just want to be okay. It’s affecting me, my relationship, and everything around me. ",Anxiety +35027,Having a hard time today I have tenderness below my sternum that has been freaking me out. I also have a sore throat and feel like I’m coming down with something. My husband is throwing up and I think my almost-two year old is getting sick as well. I’m obsessing over the sternum thing (what kind of cancer is it?) and now I have flu and pneumonia fears. I wish I could go back to how I once was.,Anxiety +35028,"Been farting I have been farting way more than usual. Recently I have changed my diet a little bit (in a good way) and going to the gym more strictly, but my farts are getting really disgusting and it has been affecting my social life. Please help me, I don’t understand. ",Anxiety +35029,"Throat/Chest Palpatations, Left Eye twitch and weakness almost everywhere So I had been doing great with my health anxiety for nearly a year. I actually haven’t visited this sub reddit in a few months as things were smooth sailing. It all started last Sunday and it’s only gotten worse. I’ve been having this palpitation that happens probably 3-4 times ever single hour along with my eye twitching constantly/pain in back of my head. It feels like I constantly have to burp/throw up. Anytime I eat I feel sick and either want to puke or use the bathroom. Accompanied with these symptoms is general weakness/fatigue everywhere. The pressure/pain in my chest/stomach refuses to go away. No amount of pepto or antacids works. + +I’ve posted on this subreddit before that I am terrified of having a heart condition. I’ve had a lot of testing done after one incident back in 2015 and doctors have said I’m fine. I don’t know what any of this could be. Maybe it’s something they didn’t find with my heart? Maybe it’s something else? But it’s been a weak and it’s just been so damn frustrating. Any thoughts, opinions and responses are more than welcome.",Anxiety +35030,"Lower left back pains, muscular or organs? Hello! + +&#x200B; + +For the past week ive been dealing with pain in my lower left back and lower left side. I dont know what do think of it, my health anxiety says organs and i say muscles. + +&#x200B; + +I tried to do some stretches on my left side and i felt that it did hurt and something stretched. Then i tried the same stretches on my right side and i didnt feel anything (so i guess tha side is fine). The stretches just gives SOME relief for a few minutes (3-4) but i cant convince myself that its my muscles doing it. I think its my kidney, so stomach, some else organ in my body thats making the pain. Do u guys know anything about this cuz its really freaking me out?",Anxiety +35031,Something going wrong actually made me better After I had my son via emergency c section everything that could have went wrong did. I lost a lot of blood I got numerous infections and the scariest of all I developed a pulmonary embolism. If you had told me that a few years ago I would have probably died on the spot. I've always been obsessive over my health full blown panic attacks complete mental breakdowns thinking I had cancer or hiv or a brain aneurysm just waiting to take me out. I'm not saying I'm totally over my health anxiety because I'm not I still panic now and again but no where near as bad as before. The worst happened and I'm still here! Just thought it was funny how the brain works.,Anxiety +35032,"Very worried about my sister My sister (26) has been suffering from pretty chronic neck pain for over 3 years now. She had an MRI 3 years ago, which was normal. We tried alternate therapies including massages. They gave her a bit of relief but the pain would return every now and then. She then moved to a cold country away from us. The past summer there was quite pain free for her, but in the last 3-4 months her neck has been severely aching again, and after a recent long flight it has spread to her upper back as well. She has an appointment with a doctor about 10 days from now. I’m extremely close to her and she lives more than 8000 miles away from me. I feel helpless and anxious, and i’m imagining all sorts of worst case scenarios :( + +If her MRI was clean 3 years ago, it can’t be cancer or something now, even though the pain is worse, right? ",Anxiety +35033,iPhone flash shining right in your eyes at night? When your pupils are diluted. Could you get permanent or serious temporary blindness due to the pupil letting in more light? or will it just give those flash blindness spots just a bit longer?,Anxiety +35034,"I couldn’t post in r/health I didn’t know where else, I could breathe a full breath and a laugh when I woke up for the first time in three months today!!! I couldn’t produce a full inhale in three months and today I can. I want to celebrate. I’m so happy.",Anxiety +35035,"I don't know what to do Ever since I got a ""stomach bug"" in september, I've had SIGNIFICANT problems with not just my stomach but everywhere. It started where I felt no appetite and gagged at the thought of food, along with a really bad taste in my mouth/rough feeling all throughout my mouth. That's where the problems began. After the days that followed I had HORRIBLE stomach problems, nausea and diarrhea. That lasted a few days before kind of subsiding. After it let I had a sitting feeling in my body that something is very wrong. I had weird cold symptoms and a ""sick"" feeling that I was an still am unable to describe. That lasted another week so I thought okay, it all must be over now surely right? +This is where the real problems began. The stomach problems came back in full force after a long period of having a gurgling feeling in my stomach and intestines. This is about a couple weeks after the first stomach bug so I imagine fairs fair people can have stomach bugs that come back for another round. That left and I was left with a near constant rumbling feeling in my intestines so I start to imagine it's IBS. Real problems began when I started feeling feverish every few nights and my sex drive greatly increased for some reason I can't explain, before giving way to more horrible stomach problems and diarrhea again. Now finally for the past month I've felt my mental state worsening and I'm starting to worry that I have bipolar due to me feeling tired and unable to do anything every few days then a cycle of feeling overly happy and my sex drive increasing. But something that I'm unable to reconcile with the bipolar theory is that at the end of it it's often accompanied by very real physical symptoms. This is turning into me rambling but my problems have become so bizarre yet serious that I'm unable to relate to other people's ""simple"" health anxiety where they worry about cancer or something easy to ""identify"" as a problem by themselves. I don't even know what I'm meant to worry about here. All I know is I feel awful reccuring stomach problems that are somehow accompanied by me feeling like I'm losing my mind when they begin. I'm so frustrated that it's become so hard to articulate my specific yet horrible problems.",Anxiety +35036,"First time questions and help Sorry if I mess this up it’s my first time posting on reddit and I need help. + +A little bit of background : + +When I was 16 I had a seizure caused by a perforated eardrum I was on a life support for two days. + +Following my seizure I sort of got depressed and ended up putting on a lot of weight and never socialised with friends (only on games) I honestly left my house about 40 times in 6 years. + +Five years ago my dad had a heart attack which left him on all sorts of medications and has a lasting effect on his heart. + +In January 2017 my mum got diagnosed with oesophageal cancer they said they caught it early and she would survive but by the time march came she had gone from 55kg to 15kg all of the time me and my father was caring for her and watching her deteriorate. She died in the living room looking like which I can only describe as the worst thing I’ve ever seen other members of the family who was there said they’ve seen multiple people die of that horrible disease and my mums was the worst. + +After my mum died I took over full time carer of my brother who had quadriplegic cerebral palsy, epilepsy , severe scoliosis a collapsed lung and can not communicate. + +In 2018 around November I noticed a small lump on one of my testicles which caused me to be concerned and worry about it a lot, this was later cleared up by an ultrasound to be nothing thankfully. + +I’ve been doing fine but recently over christmas an incident happened which I think may have broken? Me mentally. I know this seems trivial but I wanted a peaceful Christmas but my father invited my sister and her family for Christmas dinner and said he would cook, on Christmas Eve he says he’s not cooking so I begin to panic I stayed up all night cooking meats and making sure everything was perfect for when they arrived. When dinner was just about ready to be served I got the potatoes off the stove and went to empty the water now this thing was pretty heavy and I needed a hand to drain it correctly, I asked my sister to hold the lid so I could tilt the pan to drain. She said ok and I began to tilt the pan the lid cane flying off and all the potatoes went down the drain and was ruined. I can honestly say I’ve never felt anything like that moment in my life it felt like I stood still for an hour but in reality it was five seconds while my brain tried to process what the fuck just happened. Then it settled and I just lost it, I began crying and punching doors then went in to the room with my brother and just kept crying. For me as silly as it sounded Christmas was ruined I was down for like three or four days until I recovered mentally. + + +Then on New Year’s Eve my father had too much to drink and basically collapsed and smashed his head on to the floor ( I thought he was dead as he wasn’t breathing for a solid 40 seconds) and didn’t wake up for ten minutes. + + +Then January came and I had some sort of panic attack in which I couldn’t breathe and it felt like my brain was frozen. Ambulance came did tests and said everything was fine I just thought I had a flu or something. Since then I’ve been in to hospital four times all of the time all the tests came back clear apart from an ecg which indicated there may be a slight problem. Doctor said he was 90% happy for me to go home and asked me do I have stress at home which I then told him about my mum etc and then he put it down to stress/ anxiety. + + +My height is 6 ft 1 and 145kg (really fat) + + +Since going to the hospital I can’t stop thinking I have something wrong with me every little thing I google comes up with cancer or some sort of brain disease, I had heartburn recently so the doctor prescribed me omezaprole/prose to combat it as well as setraline/Zoloft or my anxiety. I’ve had what can only be described as “the rattles” and haven’t felt like eating at all which is making me feel worse than ever. Does anyone have these symptoms? + + +Whole body shakes and feels cold +A cough that bring up phlegm sometimes +Back pain and rib pain +Cold hands and feet +Trouble sleeping +Constipation +When I breathe it feels like I’m wheezing or my stomach is gurgling + + +Honestly I’m at wits end and my doctor keeps saying nothing is wrong just wanted a bit of insight to some of you anxiety veterans. + +I’m also really scared to take setraline as the side effects look horrendous. Thanks guys ! + + + + + + +",Anxiety +35037,"So...anybody with intrusive fears about specific body parts being injured? Feeling a little down right now, so I figured I might as well lurk out of the shadows and find if there’s anybody dealing with similar stuff. + +For something like 2.5 years I’ve been dealing with recurring and everyday fear of having my ears and eyes (yes it’s that specific) damaged. Incomplete list of stuff I fear: + +\- lasers (big one), yes in every shop as well + +\- hands - mine and other people + +\- cigarettes + +\- gestures (hugging, patting, even walking to fast) + +\- knives + +\- forks (even when eating by myself) + +\- every sharp corner + +\- barbed wire + +\- loud sounds + +\- other bright lights + +\- list goes on and on + +&#x200B; + +I cannot help myself but look for dangers around me, spot them, and if I feel that something might have happened, I seek reassurance - either by somehow “repeating” the thing or googling stuff or asking others if they hit me. I somehow think I know that nothing happened or couldn’t have happened but I still cannot let it go for some time after the trigger and in the worst cases cannot let it go for a day or something. There are multiple episodes every day resulting in my every day being disturbed, being avoiding and distant (pubs are so distressing...). The weird part is that I do get physical sensations - for example right now I feel slight pain in my ear and a pressure because somebody patted me quite abruptly on the shoulder. I know they’re not real but they feed my anxiety and worrying. + +I’m on 20mg of paroxetine it’s helped somehow but not significantly. Looking into psychotherapy options right now. + +Is there anybody else with similar issues? How you’re doing? What’s your story? + +And it goes without saying crossed fingers for everybody struggling here on this sub - and even though i don’t post often thanks for this community! + +(Just as I was writing this I remembered there’s a grocery store at this street and now I worry if I didn’t see a laser from it by peripheral vision. Yay me.)",Anxiety +35038,"Worried about lymph node but it also may just be a ingrown hair cyst I think its been there for awhile but I could be wrong, I just know I've fixated on it this past week. Its located right above my right testicle, and it feels hard and doesn't move. its probably between 1-2cm and I can't tell if its a cyst as the hair there does look a little red by the root. Ive now convinced myself I have cancer or HIV and feel awful. I did set up my physical for next week, but some aide to my anxiety in the the mean time would help. I've had fatigue lately but im always kinda fatigued due to my autoimmune disease.",Anxiety +35039,"Need some Help, Was doing so good too. Hey guys! I was doing so good, it had been weeks that I had finally got over my HA for the most part. However, today, I went down the anxiety spiral again. I was itching my back and decided to look at my moles since they seemed to be itchy. Nothing too crazy just a few itches. I've read about melanoma before and kind of disregarded it because although I have a good 60+ moles none of them showed signs of melanoma. Recently I have been getting some new moles, which isn't that crazy in itself but there seemed to be a lot more popping up. So anyway I unfortunately got on the Google and did some research on different types of melanoma and what to look for than preceded to check myself. I noticed two somewhat suspect moles. One is slight red/brown and the other one appears to be a kinda line. I read that linear melanoma are of the types and it looks a little similar. I'm freaking out because I don't have health insurance, and don't think I can pay for a dermatologist out of pocket since I'm somewhat young and on a fixed income. Any advice on how I can handle this or anything I can do to ease my anxieties?",Anxiety +35040,"Just found this sub and so thankful I’m not alone with my delusions. I’ve had health anxiety my entire life. I’ve had every type of cancer you can imagine, diabetes, all the syndromes, etc. +I have PCOS (legitimate) and recently went to a specialist for it, they took my testosterone levels via blood test and they were supppeerr high, he said the only time it’s this high is when there’s a potential tumor on the ovary or adrenal gland. +So naturally I’ve been an anxious mess the last 4 days, living on Xanax. I’m getting scans and tests done within the next two weeks, to not only rule that out but to see how my fertility is. +He said that most cases the tumors are benign but us hypochondriacs don’t hear the positive statistics, we hear the negative and nothing else. Just had to share. I’m trying to think positive thoughts via my therapist but we all know how that goes! ",Anxiety +35041,"Fitbit heart monitor is terrible for my health anxiety. I had a panic attack in Oct. It lasted for 12 hours. I ended up in the emergency room. Had blood work, ECG, and chest xray. Everything came back good. In fact I wasn't even worried I could have a heart condition until I was checked for it. + +After that I was convinced something was wrong with my brain. I thought I had a brain tumor, stroke, etc. After a while I calmed down on that, still going to see a neurologist though, because I suffer from a swaying dizziness when I'm anxious. + +Now I'm obsessed about my heart. I got a fitbit for my birthday and I religiously check my heart rate all day long. Checking it makes it spike. If I'm resting I can usually get it down to the 60s, but if I keep checking it it spikes up in the 90s. When walking around it ranges from (had palpitations typing this) 110-140 depending on how anxious I am. If I don't look at it it goes down, if I do man oh man does it rise. During a panic attack it was 150. I sat down and calmed myself down and it dropped to 100. Blahhhhh.",Anxiety +35042,"What helped me after 27 years? I have nevr been to this group because it would have made things worse but I am here now. +I had the worst panic attack of my life at 54. Ambulance - hospital - I knew I was having a heart attack. I couldnt feel my arms - heart racing - gave me nitro - +I run marathons - eat well, take care of myself. I have not run in 2 months because my heart rate going up was freaking me out. +I have been to been to psychiatrist - emd helped but came back. I have always resisted drugs because the thought of taking medicine made me more anxious. +Cut back to hospital - gave me xanax - I calmed down. EKG - Blood Work - Chest x-ray - nothing wrong go home. +Doctor gave me 10 Xanax just in case - woke up the next day anxious - took a pill (I hate drugs and for years wouldn't even consider it) +I felt amazing all day - never had any anxious thoughts. Took another yesterday morning - same thing - all day no thoughts at all. That is my best 2 days in 27 years - I felt normal. It does make me sleepy and I see my psychiatrist for the first time in 2 years tonight and I am going to ask what my best med treatment is. I dont like the habit forming nature of Xanax but I will discuss it +Try the drugs - they work! +",Anxiety +35043,"Head pain!!!!!! Someone please help..... For the past three weeks I have been experiencing the strangest head pains ever. Shooting pains around my head that move around and are different each time (sometimes its the same spot-not always) A lot of it occurs behind my ears as well. The head pain is debilitating when it comes on, feels like i’m being stabbed in the head (but at the same time is kind of dull) Its a pulsating feeling and doesn’t normally last that long. This is happening every single day- No exaggeration and has sometimes been accompanied by a dull “normal” headache. I went to the ER, they took a regular CT and said it was normal. +The head pain will come suddenly, last a few minutes and then (most of the time go) however one night i had a pulsating dull stabbing pain for about an hour.... +I took a Tylenol and It eventually went away until about 9 hours later when the aching pain returned. I haven’t ever experienced headaches or pain like this.. and its every day for weeks now...I am also getting weird sensations all around my head like burning pains and hot/cold pains aswell. + +I do have health anxiety and have experienced shooting like pains in my head from panic attacks, however this is not the same thing. These are real headaches unfortunately... + +because of these symptoms though, I have convinced and self diagnosed myself with a brain aneurysm thats about to rupture at any given moment. this is the worst part. I have no history of brain aneurysms in my bloodline, but somehow have convinced myself I have one. I know I had a normal CT , and that reassured me a bit but then i read somewhere they aren’t always caught and you need to have a CT with dye to catch them. (cue the anxiety again) + +I just want to know what these types of pains can come from? I don’t understand.....any ideas? and any ideas on how to cop with this/has anyone else ever been afraid of this? +ugh. It sends me into a full blown panic attack when i get this headache now which basically means im anxious all day everyday. + +Im tired of being so scared and bracing to drop dead every time i get a head pain... help!!! + + +",Anxiety +35044,"Doctor doesn't know what's wrong/MRI canceled:( Over the past month I've experienced pulsatile tinnitus in one ear along with ear and headaches. Some days I feel no symtoms, others it's horrible but the pulsing sound remains. I also feel this weird tingling on the side of my head (same as the effected ear). I also have this ""weird"" feeling, like I'm on a strong pain pill. Though, when I go outside I don't feel nearly as bad honestly, being inside starts alot of my symtoms. The doctor believes it's idiopathic intracranial Hypertension or a venal issue. May I add that when I press on the area around my jugular, the sound fades or if I lay on the side that pulses it all goes away as well. I have yet to have a MRI, as it was canceled😔 I'm scared it's a tumor, please help. My mind has been racing for a week on what this may be. +I'm 18/Female",Anxiety +35045,"Tender spot on top back of head after strain...scared I haven’t had to post in any anxiety subreddit as often as I used to but I guess one never really is cured of it are they. + +So to put it politely I had to strain to use the restroom tonight. +About 30 minutes later I start getting this headache on the top right of my head. It’s a numb pain until I touch or put pressure on it and it becomes more sharp. + +My aneurysm fear is STRONG tonight. I wouldn’t be as scared if it weren’t for my ~going to the bathroom~ but now all I can imagine is a blood vessel stretched to its limit somewhere in the top right of my head. +I even feel a bit of throbbing when I lay down. + +Ugh. I’m sick of having these fears.",Anxiety +35046,"If you need someone to vent to. Hello all, + +I hope the rules of this subreddit allow this. + +I'm a 31 year old male with ADHD, anxiety and health anxiety. + +My work place is closed for the winter months so I have a ton of free time. + +I will state that I am not a doctor, I can't give you medical advice but I do have time. I can promise you I will read whatever you send me, it will stay between us and I will just try and respond the best as I can. I will be an ear, I will only be able to give my personal experiences and not a diagnosis. I don't have any answers to how you are feeling, but if you need to talk to someone I'm here. + +Send me a wall of text, no need for TL;DR. + +",Anxiety +35047,"Convinced myself I have Huntington's disease The rational side of me knows that these symptoms have either been there for a while or they can easily be explained by any number of other less serious causes. Not to mention that as far as I know, *no one in my family has this disease.* + +I was reading about Lewy body dementia and someone had described it as being a mix of Parkinson's, dementia, and Huntington's, the last of which I'd never heard of. So I went to learn about it and since I'm me, I started drawing parallels between the symptoms and things I've either been experiencing or that I wasn't experiencing until they were suggested. + +Firstly, I'm in the typical age range when symptoms manifest. My confusion, occasional inability to understand things, indecisiveness, occasional problems with concentration, forgetfulness and fatigue must be due to this disease, not because I never get enough sleep. My bouts of dizziness/vertigo are the coordination problems, even though they're most likely a mix of exhaustion and severe tension headaches. I've noticed lately my index finger on my right hand sometimes twitches when I hold it just right on my mouse, never mind the fact that I've had that happen before with other parts of me if I position myself a certain way. Fidgeting must be a symptom too, even though I've fidgeted my WHOLE LIFE. Me being freezing cold must be the telltale tremors! And the anxiety and depression I've had for what feels like forever MUST be Huntington's too, right? Muscle stiffness can't possibly be due to me being out of shape! My inability to remember a word now and again or have words come out coherently must be from illness and not the fact that my brain to mouth filter has always been haywire. I have issues swallowing and breathing that *could* be due to Huntington's... or, you know, the esophagus problems I've been having. + +Also read that one possible symptom is ""visual disturbances"" and lately I've been experiencing what looks like rippling water in my left eye. I realize that could be any number of things and generally as long as my vision itself is okay, it's nothing major. But if I was thinking rationally, I wouldn't be posting here. + +And while the disease seems to be hereditary, all I had to do was read something about how only a majority of cases are inherited, implying that some people (1%-3% of cases) can still develop it even with no family history. + +Not to mention that practically all these symptoms can be caused by *ANXIETY* too. Never mind I had a CT about a year ago (when many of these same things were happening) that was normal. Never mind it's rare (something like 15,000 people in the entire US have it). NOPE, must be Huntington's!",Anxiety +35048,"Shortness of breath for only seconds at a time.. For as long as I can remember I’ve been getting these weird feelings in my chest that feel like I completely lose my breath. It only lasts for about 10 seconds then stops, but it’s a STRONG sensation. It feels like when you jump into extremely cold water and it takes your breath away- except I’m always just sitting there doing nothing when it hits. I always related it to sinus problems or allergies, but I’m not having issues with any of that right now and the issue is worsening. It happens like 2 to 3 times a day now. I seriously don’t know if this just random panic attacks hitting, or a heart or lung issue?? I’m convinced I’m dying but I can’t afford to go to the dr right now, let alone an emergency dr. I feel like it can’t be panic attacks if it happens when I’m in a perfectly good mood. Sometimes I’ll be sitting at my computer at work... sometimes I’ll be putting my son to bed... it’s just random. But the feeling is making my anxiety 100 times worse and for the whole month of January I’ve basically had crippling anxiety from it. Not even in the food to function anymore. I’m over it. Thoughts?",Anxiety +35049,"Rewilding Helped Me Beat Health Anxiety Hey guys, my personal experience with health anxiety came from seemingly nowhere. One day I had chest pain, and then every day for months after that I dug myself deep into this dark chasm that is health anxiety. At my lowest, I was up till 4 am on WedMD every night, almost got fired from my job, and most importantly - living in chronic PHYSICAL pain. + + +The TLDR of my story is that rather than seeking ""comfort"" (hot baths, heating pads, painkillers), I began to seek ""discomfort"" and that led me to what I now understand as ""rewilding"". + + +Basically, you are reaffirming your body how strong and capable you really are, by exposing yourself to elements that we humans previously had to deal with constantly....long before the days of anxiety lol. + + +Take some cold showers. Go out into the elements for at least 20 minutes a day. Develop a deeper relationship with your breath. + + +If anyone is interested in more information on this, I'll happily write an article, but I'm not an expert, just a practitioner. The man responsible for the term is [Daniel Vitalis](http://www.danielvitalis.com/rewild-yourself-podcast/). + + +But there are others doing similar stuff, such as Wim Hof. + + +Reaffirming to myself that I am strong was the only thing that pulled me out, and it started with seeking discomfort, learning some stoicism, and severing the emotional attachment I had to my physical symptoms. You can do it too. + + +Love +Max ",Anxiety +35050,"Dry Skin This might be better suited for r/anxiety in general, but since my anxiety seems to be health anxiety I figured I'd start here. As a background, I've never had an anxiety/stress issue prior to September, but Labor Day weekend I had what I now know was a panic attack that sent me to the ER. Since then I've been convinced of heart disease, brain tumor, diabetes and have been under constant stress the entire time with every single thought it seems being dedicated to why I feel the way I do. MRI, ultrasounds, EKG, stress test, blood work all comes back clean and my doctor just tells me it's stress/anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +The last few weeks I have had ridiculously dry skin which I have never had before. I saw my doctor last week and again he said it's just stress and none of my tests have been out of the ordinary to suggest otherwise. He started me on Celexa (this week has been a roller coaster of suck, but I'm hopeful) for anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +Has anyone dealt with chronic dry skin as a result of anxiety? If so, what was your best way to help? I know clearing stress/anxiety, meditating, etc., but I'm thinking more of the immediate while I work on ""me"". It's hard to break the anxiety cycle when every time I touch something or move my skin hurts.",Anxiety +35051,"scared of the flu my 2 younger sisters just came down with the flu and now im scared im gonna get it too 🤦🏻‍♀️ at first i honestly wasnt so afraid of getting it as ive been washing my hands and trying to not touch things theyve been touching, but then i messed up by reading about how seemingly healthy people die from complications that came from the flu and ofc, i start to think thats gonna happen to me if i end up catching it, sighhh",Anxiety +35052,"Those of you who have had an mri what did you have it for and did they find anything wrong? I had one today because my foot was tingling for the past three weeks (non diabetic related did blood test previously and all came back normal) and my dr saw nothing severely wrong that needed er attention with my foot and then my mom thought oh it’s probably my Valium that I’m on for anxiety causing the tingling cutting down. I still felt like I needed to get checked for this so I went dr had ordered a lumbar spine mri and come to find out they did the quick results where they tell em what was wrong until my dr calls or I go in to go over the results more in detail and of course I have a bulging disc in my back as well as arthritis 🙄😕😠 + +If you’ve had one done what reason did you have the test for and did they actually diagnose you with what you thought you had or was it something different you weren’t expecting or did they just say it was probably just anxiety and nothing was actually wrong?",Anxiety +35053,"Either I'm a hypochondriac or I'm on my way to being a statistic- unbiased advice needed Content warning for some gross-er medical stuff i guess + +&#x200B; + +So, i'm here because i can't honestly tell if the situation im in is entirely in my head. Short background, in august 2018 .i had some fatigue, joint pain, intestinal issues and i had missed my period 2 months straight so i went to the dr and after bloodwork they determined i had hyperthyroidism and a positive ANA. They also found my sed rate to be elevated slightly and my CRP was around 7. 5 months of doctors visits, a loose diagnosis of thyroiditis (after my levels went from hyper to hypo), and then normalized blood work (back in normal range for thyroid and ANA). I basically get a clean bill of health, all my bloodwork looks good. Except my symptoms worsened. My anxiety and depression also got worse which is why im wondering if im just manifesting symptoms because of my mental health + +&#x200B; + +The symptoms i had that were strongly associated with thyroid have mostly gone away except for the fatigue, but now new stuff is popping up. For the past month i've been having period problems, abdominal pain and gastro problems. + +I had a normal period in the last week of december, but then 2 weeks later i had 6 days straight of weird heavy spotting. throughout this time (technically since august actually) i was having diarrhea every morning without fail, and intermittent constipation. it came with abdominal cramping and severe nausea that goes away after i use the bathroom. I also completely lost my appetite and was having really strong nausea almost daily. I had stretches of days where i just couldn't bring myself to eat despite being super hungry, it just made my stomach turn. Despite eating less than i usually do, /and/ the fact that i usually lose weight really fast when restricting calories, I've been gaining weight and my stomach has grown so big i can barely fit into my pants. Shortness of breath has become a weird problem too. idk if its related. ive always been bad at breathing but i get winded getting off the bed to use the bathroom. laying down on my back makes me feel like i cant breath too. + +Yesterday i went to the ER because since about 1/12 i've been getting really intense sharp/twisting pain in my lower left and lower right abdomen as well as a general dull ache right above my groin. The stabbing comes and goes, sometimes there will be 1-2 min stretches where it is extremely painful/waves of stabbing pain but then i wont feel it for another few hours. I recently looked down and realized the left side of my stomach is bulging out a little farther than the right side. Its hard to tell, as i have a softer stomach anyway. I was supposed to get my period on 1/25 i believe, but instead i had spotting the whole week and then on 1/28 during one of my classes i got horrific lower back pain and strong cramps. I had severe nausea and the pain was so bad i nearly cried. And yet, still only occasional light spotting. This is highly unusual for me as i usually have very light and painless periods with only moderate cramping *exactly* when i start bleeding. I took tons of painkillers and fell asleep but woke up in just as much pain and still hadnt started bleeding. So i went to the ER the next morning + +They did an internal ultrasound, bloodwork and a urine test. The blood and urine came back mostly fine. They confirmed that my thyroid levels were normal, and my liver and kidneys are in good order. Lymphocytes are a bit low, globulin a bit high, and in the urine test they picked up some protein and blood but they assumed that was from traces of the spotting i was experiencing. The ultrasound found that my ovaries and uterus look ""unremarkable"". There were ""small follicles"" present, as well as evidence that a cyst may have ruptured on the right ovary and there was a small amount of free floating fluid. Shortly before i left, i started bleeding normally as well. I was surprised honestly. Looking down and seeing how bloated i am and feeling the immense pain on my left all the time, i really expected them to find something. + +&#x200B; + +I'm still in immense pain and i'm confused. This all set off alarm bells in my head. i tried to brush it off for a long time but the pain just got worse and worse. I'm gonna obviously wait out my period and see if the pain persists after. I have a CT scan scheduled (ordered by the dr on my campus, i had gone to her about the pain a few weeks before the er thing happened) for feb 9th but it costs $3k for me.. I don't want to waste the money if i wont find anything. I can't keep wasting money on medical bills that aren't helping me + +Literally any and all advice is welcomed, as well as similar experiences. thanks guys",Anxiety +35054,"Obsessive about heart rate + chewing tobacco At night my heart rate has been in the 60s, slowly trying to quit chewing tobacco but recently started worrying that my heart rate is too slow especially since I just put a dip in and that is supposed to elevate heartrate and blood pressure but my heart rate is still in the 60s to 70s range scared I'm always in heart failure... literally laying here thinking my heart is failing and scared to call 911 because of many false alarms in the past that lead me to call 911 about 4 times in 2 weeks only once taken to a hospital where they wanted me to stay inpatient but with agoraphobia and panic attacks I was too uncomfortable with the idea of being locked up away from home and no way of getting out before a 3 day stay... feeling depressed and hopeless and that I'm gonna mistake a real heart attack for a panic attack or just write it off as my body being calm from meds I take... idk just don't have anyone to talk to about this especially at night 9pm where I'm at...",Anxiety +35055,"Can glandular fever cause problems years later? I contracted a bad case of glandular fever when I was 14, and was in hospital for a couple of months, on an IV, and even had to use a wheelchair as I lost so much weight. It took me four months to go back to school full time due to being so exhausted all of the time. Before all of that, I was mostly healthy, maybe a bit underweight and had an underactive thyroid, but I was healthy. It was also around this time that I began struggling with manic depression and anxiety, which I am now medicated for. + +I’m now 19, and my thyroid has began working normally again but I am constantly ill. I have colds at least once a month, if theres a flu going round I catch it, despite my best efforts to keep up with the preventative measures. I had 7 chest infections last year. 7. I recently was hospitalised for a kidney infection, then haemorrhaging ovarian cysts, and i’ve just been diagnosed with ANOTHER kidney infection just three months after the last one. Everything else (I’m told) by doctors is healthy, I’ve had blood and urinary tests, ultrasounds and countless antibiotics and multivitamins. In addition to these other symptoms I’ve developed psoriasis and my hair is falling out, and I’ve also lost most of my toenails. I’m beginning to get embarrassed about being ill so often, and that people might think I’m making it up. + +I can’t help thinking this is all somehow linked to developing glandular fever. I know its possible to have long term ME afterwards, but I was wondering if anyone has a similar story regarding this?? Ive been to countless doctors about the various symptoms but none have gotten any better. Ive gotten so frustrated I have started to keep track of when I’m ill/ what symptoms I have and they’ve began to link together... In my mind my immune system has been seriously compromised since that time and I can’t think of any other reason why. ",Anxiety +35056,"Heavy deja vu followed by negative feeling So I have a health anxiety over my brain,fear of going crazy is my anxiety theme after I had weed induced dpdr and after reading something about schizophrenia my anxiety has been the worst.So 5 months has passed since that and I'm still feeling dpdr symptoms.And this one symptom is so bad and its deja vu and when it hits me I get this bad feeling that I am slipping into something terrible,like all of this happened and that bad thing will happen as well and I don't know what to think about that.I am so worried about my brain because this doesn't seem to be normal to me.I would appreciate if you could inform me a little about this.",Anxiety +35057,"Fear of allergic reactions Over the past few months I have developed a fear of allergic reactions. It has become so bad that I will start to feel allergy symptoms after taking almost anything. Right now I am panicking after taking gaviscon of all things! As soon as i took it, i started feeling itchy and panicky. I hate this. ",Anxiety +35058,"I have yet another disease.. This time I have weakness in my left arm and hand. Not severe I can still move it and grab things, but it's noticeable. My left arm has just been feeling ""weird"" for the past week. I feel a tiny bit of weakness in my right forearm too. My mind keeps racing towards ALS and I don't know how to calm down.",Anxiety +35059,"The third appointment in a row where I have not been examined So I am well known to my gp practice recently due to a lot of issues with depression and anxiety. Long story short I wasn't fit to work and was very much suffering on the antidepressant that I had been put on. I was suicidal and close to the edge, having panic attacks on the daily etc. I have since come off the antidepressant and it has been thw best decision I have ever made for myself. The anxiety is still there (and always has been and I suspect always will be) but I am functional again - I couldn't even open my work email or answer an unexpected knock on the door without risking a panic attack and now I'm back at work. + +In the last month I have been experiencing intermittent, stabbing, shooting pains. I have a history of chronic muscle tightness and pain. I am currently in physio for trapezius and neck pain, I also have mid-back tightness. I have previously had my legs in casts and afterwards splints to manipulate my calves into the correct position. I know what a muscle cramp feels like. I know what a pulled muscle feels like. I know what a muscle spasm feels like. I know what DOMs feels like. This new pain is on another level and it is vastly different in nature. I can't sleep, I can't lie comfortably, I can't concentrate properly, I will involuntarily have to change position and grab the effected limb when the pain comes on. +The pains that I am experiencing are not in the usual suspects of my calves or back/neck but in my groin/armpit/side/back of my thigh and glute area/ankle/elbow. My Google history is looking pretty crazy as a result. + +I have seen three different doctors at my gp practice about this because I am extremely distressed. Not one of them has examined me. All that has happened is that I have been counselled about psychosomatic symptoms being a thing and encouraged to get back on antidepressants. I feel like nobody is taking me seriously and this being the UK GPs are very much the gatekeepers to other services. While I would be willing to pay for answers if it comes to it I wouldn't even know where to start because I have no idea what could be causing all this. I'm crying as I'm typing right now from a stabbing pain in my groin. I just cannot believe that it's all in my head when my mental health is so much better now than it was. ",Anxiety +35060,"Fear of going to the doctors... I'm finally going to the doctor. Not really confronting fears but having swelling and pain of my tonsils and a bit of my throat, which has me mildly freaking out. +I'm wondering what the doctor will say or do. Maybe just prescribe me something. + +My fear isn't that ""hospitals are crazy"" but if my doctor says I'm basically ok I won't believe them. I'm hoping this basically cures my health anxiety, but I know that a lot of people with HA don't believe the doctor... +I just hope I trust them enough.",Anxiety +35061,"I cut shallots yesterday afternoon, and one of my eyes STILL burns. Now what? This is going to sound dumb, but I'm really not sure what to do. + +I have flushed my eye with water multiple times, and blotted it with a cool, damp paper towel. +The area under my top eyelid still burns, and it's been 18 hours since I cut the shallot. I did not touch my eye directly at any point. + +Am I in danger over this? Do I need to get to an eye doctor today? Or is there something else I can try? I have allergy relief eye drops, but I'm afraid it will make my eye burn more. ",Anxiety +35062,"Diabetes I'm scared I have diabetes I have a skin tag on my eye lid and I have been quite lazy past few months just playing playstation I'm 23 I'm about overweight not much tho I'm about 14 stone 5 +No one in my family has had diabetes that I know of so am I just paranoid?",Anxiety +35063,"12hr plane journey tomorrow, any advice? Hi guys, + +First post here, I'll be stuck on a plane for at least 12hrs tomorrow and i'm nervous just thinking about it. + +Occasionally when my anxiety peaks my whole body will experience numbness and pins and needles spreading across my entire body which freaks me the fk out as i feel like i have no control over my body -head to toe, and am going to spasm. + +The worse thing is sometimes it happens ""randomly"" when i don't necessarily think i'm anxious. One moment i'm completely fine, the next i'm trying to fight myself. + +it's been a couple of years since i've been on such a long flight and i'm not particularly looking forward to it. Any advice to would be appreciated + +",Anxiety +35064,"Sinuses? I’m 14. I don’t have the usual sinus symptoms. I have puffy eyes, tingling electric headache, stuffy nose, pressure in pack of head, irritated eyes, swollen lyphnodes, a feeling of air bubbles under top eyelid, ears feeling blocked causing nausea. *very* bad dizziness. Feeling like I’m moving when I’m not. Feeling faint and tired all the time, gums and teeth hurting. + + Nothing helps! Its been almost 2 years and it’s like this all the time! I’ve tried antibiotics and all kinds of medicine but nothing helps. I’m scared the my symptoms aren’t normal especially my dizzy feeling. The thing that’s causing the most worry is the itchy pinching brain feeling. Is this anxiety / normal sinus stuff? I’ll be going to the doctors tomorrow and I’m terrified. I’ll update afterwards.",Anxiety +35065,"Health anxiety is the worst Health anxiety can be so incredibly difficult. I've struggled with health-related anxiety, alongside other anxiety struggles, my entire life. It seems as though when one 'health worry' disappears (could take days, weeks, months) a new one appears. It's absolutely exhausting and takes over my mind for the entire day. Has anyone found improvement from therapy, and if so did you seek a certain type of therapy? I'm going back on my medication (antidepressants) after coming off of them a few years ago. This past month has been almost unbearable, and things have been bad since the summer after suffering a skin cancer scare. Any tips for coping? Today has been really rough. ",Anxiety +35066,"Because of my hypersalivation i think that i have water in my lungs please help I had experienced hypersalivation for two years now (thats why i think that i have cancer) but i noticed that i have a hard time breathing and i can breathe on the fullest... also my belly (stomach i guess) became bigger on the upper part... i also feel like i have something on my stomach, its scarying me so much please help",Anxiety +35067,"I somatized fever. One thing I never thought I could have is a ""fake fever"". Fever is your body fighting with different harmful organisms, so it's doing good by doing bad. All fevers must be real, right? Maybe. + +I was so afraid of Dengue Fever after a mosquito bite I had that it was driving me insane. I was literally counting days and hours until the certain first symptoms. I had it once, and fever it spikes out of nowhere up to 40º degrees, for days, basically destroying you. + +So, in the past week I was just waiting for fever come. It was an evening, and I started to feel my legs, arms and face really hot and weak. Panic attacks followed and I was constantly taking my temperature. It went from 36,4º, 37,3º, 37,5º but never above. I kept having this for 5 days in a row, until it finally stopped after going to the ER. If I payed attention to something else, it'd cease for a while. The conclusion is: you can somatize everything, including fever.",Anxiety +35068,"Brief warning about the askreddit post ""What has still not been explained by science?"" The top post rn mentions medical stuff so avert ye eyes if you decide to investigate.",Anxiety +35069,"I get my MRI result in 1 hour. I can't take this physical stress. My heart is racing so fast, and I keep needing to pee. I just feel so shit and I don't know how to calm down. I'm not really sure what the point of this is, but I don't know what else to do.",Anxiety +35070,"Numbness sensation on chest around heart after waking up once in a while - please... does anyone else experience this? So this is seriously at risk of ruining my day after doing so well for so long, so I'll try keep it brief. + +I read an article about snoring and sleep apnoea last night - according to everyone who's ever slept in a room with me, I do snore heavily, but don't have sleep apnoea. + +But this article I read said that even snoring is bad for you, and I got freaked out. I wake up sometimes with dead or asleep arms, making me think there's something seriously wrong with my heart and circulation, though my fiance convinced me this is just cause I move my arms to weird positions and the circulation gets cut off temporarily. + +But something my fiance can't talk me down from is the fact that sometimes I wake up with red indents/marks all over my body, along with like a numbness or asleep feeling around my lower chest on the left side, stretching around to my side. + +The thing is I can only ever remember this happening on the left side - I.e. where the heart is, but I'm always very groggy when this happens so maybe it does happen on the right and I don't take notice? I only bring it up because it happened recently. The sensation goes away within 10 minutes or so. + +Has anyone else ever experienced this? It only ever happens when I am in very deep sleep, having very vivid dreams and then wake up suddenly. + +",Anxiety +35071,"Fear of Brain Aneurysm presenting as Headaches and Pulsatile Tinnitus So for the last five years or so i (26m) have had some various symptoms that i am not sure are simply me being aware of them or something much greater. In particular I experience Pulsatile Tinnitus, where i can clearly hear my heartbeat thumping in my left ear much greater than my right. Exertion makes it much more noticeable. Occasionally I also experience mild to moderate headaches that seem to follow a distinct line from the back of my skull to right behind my left eye. Some mornings, if i sleep on my left side, I will wake up with a headache on the left side of my head that throbs in time with my heart, and laughing/sneezing/straining can create a very -weird- sensation in that same area behind my left eye. I don't know if i could describe it but to my HA-addled brain it seems like what you'd feel if you had a ballooned vein suddenly swell slightly. + +I also have been experiencing a slight visual disturbance in the left eye where lights and bright objects have a small, shimmery 'smear' above or below them, hardly noticeable unless I'm looking for it but still strange. I know symptomatic unruptured aneurysms can cause double vision but this seems to minor that I couldn't trust whether or not this is what 'double vision' entails. I have 20/20 vision, don't smoke, drink, or do drugs, no family history of aneurysms to my knowledge (my grandmother did die of a stroke; she was 86 though). I did have a MRI done when i first encountered these symptoms about 5 years ago and they found nothing; the visual disturbance was there during that time but I'm unaware if the pulsatile tinnitus was. + +I've had a long, bloody history with Health Anxiety and I'm reaching out to you guys to finally admit that i've got a worrying problem. Can anyone shed light on if my fears are justified?",Anxiety +35072,"Really worried about a headache.. So I have a headache for the past 3 days.. it hurts when I bend over, cough, poop, etc. I looked it up and it says ""cough headache"" i'm just really worried. The pain is in like the middle of my head and really hurts. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35073,"Does this appear to be anxiety, or something else? have no idea what is going (Chest Pain, Weakness, Tachycardia, High Blood B12). Countless doctors have not solved it. And it is getting really bad lately. + +* Age: 22 +* Sex: Male +* Height: 5""10 +* Weight: 148ish +* Race: South Asian +* Duration of complaint: 8 Months (after viral infection) +* Location (Geographic and on body): Toronto, Canada +* Current medications: No. + +RECENT BLOOD TEST (I have had blood test for the past 9 months, the last one 4 months ago. And all blood tests have had similar numbers, ALL had very high b12, and realtively high neutrophils and monocytes. All Had normal CBC other-wise, my Lymphocytes, RBC count, platelet count, Creatine Kinase, Potassium, TSH, Albumin, etc.. have ALL stayed very consistence, and normal, through-out the last 9 months) : + +**Hematology** + +WBC =10.2. Range 4.0 - 11.0 x E9/L + +RBC = 5.32. Range 4.50 - 6.00 x E12/L + +Hemoglobin = 152. Range 135 - 175 g/L + +Hematocrit = 0.457. Range 0.400 - 0.500 L/L + +MCV = 86. Range 80 - 100 fL + +MCH = 28.6. Range 27.5 - 33.0 pg + +MCHC = 333. Range 305 - 360 g/L + +RDW = 13.2. Range 11.5 - 14.5 % + +Platelet Count = 321. Range 150 - 400 x E9/L + +**Differential** + +Neutrophils = 7.1. Range 2.0 - 7.5 x E9/L + +Lymphocytes = 2.0. Range 1.0 - 3.5 x E9/L + +Monocytes = 1.0. Range 0.2 - 1.0 x E9/L + +Eosinophils = 0.1. Range 0.0 - 0.5 x E9/L + +Basophils = 0.0. Range 0.0 - 0.2 x E9/L + +Immature Granulocytes = 0.0. Range 0.0 - 0.1 x E9/L + +Nucleated RBC = 0. Range /100 WBC + +**Other Vitamins/ Chemicals** + +Vitamin B12 = **HI >1476.** Range 138-650 pmol/L + +Homocysteine = 9.0. Range. 5.1 - 15.4 umol/L + +Ferritin = 70. Range 22-227 ug/L + +Urinalysis Chemical: Normal + +Potassium= 4.5. Range 3.5-5.2 mmol/L + +Chloride = 101. Range 98-108 mmol/L + +Creatinine = 79. Range. 67-117 umol/L + +Glucose Random = 5.2. Range 3.6 - 7.7 mmol/L + +Albumin= 51. Range 35-52 g/L + +Bilirubin Total = 6. Range <20 umol/L + +Alkaline Phosphatase = 112. Range. 40-129 [u/L](https://www.reddit.com/u/L) + +Alanine Aminotransferase = 16. Range <50 [u/L](https://www.reddit.com/u/L) + +Magnesium = 0.87. Range. 0.70-1.00 mmol/L + +Creatine Kinase = 61. Range. 44-275 [u/L](https://www.reddit.com/u/L) + +Non HDL Cholesterol = 3.13 mmol/L. + +Thyroid Stimulating Hormone \[TSH\] = 1.05. Range 0.32-4.00 mIU/L + +\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ + +8 months ago I had a viral infection which has since caused whatever chronic condition or disease I have. + +\-Just want to add, my viral infection started with a bad stomach/lower abdomen ache 1-2 days before the actual infection (8 months ago), and I had a rapid heart-rate from right at the start of the viral infection. + +My symptoms are: + +\-Just want to start off by saying my heart-rate was high right from the very start of whatever infection i got, like from day 1. + +\-Tachycardia through-out the day. Little things make my heart race (whereas before I was very fit), I wear a fit-bit and my heart-rate is very normal in the 60s when I am sleeping. But in the day time, when I am out, even if I am just seating my heart-rate is constantly around 110 BPM. And if I have anxiety it can easily go up to 140. And if I, for example, climb the stairs or jump around a bit, my heart-rate shoots up to 150, and if I go for a short jog (I can't because of my heart), but in 1 minute it is nearly 180 BPM. Due to how fast it beats I do not take part in any exercise. I had normal Echocardiogram, and EKG.. but I did that 5 months ago. I want to point out, for some reason when I am with my family at home my heart-rate is also normal if I am just seating. And it was also normal when I visited my cousins and when I was in their house, again just sitting. + +Recently I had to attend a science lab for my university, and even though I was sitting my heart-rate was consistently around 110-125. + +\-My systolic blood pressure has been evaluated since this chronic condition.. at 130-140, but my diastolic pressure has remained 80. + +\-Lately, my chest feels more pressure and stress, and I think its because I put alot of strain on my heart throughout the duration of this whole thing. I visited a cardiologist 5 months ago and he said my heart everything was good. + +\-For the past few days, it feels if I breath in very deeply my heart hurts, but not really sure where the pain is coming from + +\-My only blood abnormality is a very high B12 at more than double the upper limit, 1476 pmol/L. I have measured homocysteine just now, and it was in the normal range at 9 umol/L. Not really sure why my B12 is very high, as I am not taking supplements and am a vegetarian. + +My hands (for nearly 8 months) have blue veins appearing on the finger. very similar to the hand in this photo (but on the finger as-well): [https://imgur.com/a/n5V1XjC](https://imgur.com/a/n5V1XjC) . + +\- I had muscle twitching and tingling which happened alot through-out the day, it has since gone down, but the tingling and twitching still happen at times. I had a normal EMG. + +\- Leg muscles have gotten much weaker according to my wall-sit time and squatting. Prior to 8 months I could easily do a wall sit for 3 minutes, now after 20 seconds my legs feel unbearably sore, and they are shaking like crazy right away when I start a wall sit. + +NORMAL TESTS AND RESULTS (all this are from several months ago, except the blood results posted above, those are from today. ): Normal: TSH, Blood CBC, LDH, ESR, CRP, PROTEIN ELECTROPHORESIS, abdomen ultrasound , Echocardiogram, EMG test, urine analysis, EBV, bicarbonate, chloride, creatinine , AST/ ALT, Potassium. + +ABNORMAL RESULTS: Very high Blood B12: 1475 pmol/L (range is 200-600 pmol/L). Slightly low Iron and Vitamin D. I do NOT take any B12 supps when it was measured high, and I am also a vegetarian. + +To summarize: I feel I have some type of post-viral autoimmune disease which causes High B12, Tachycardia, anxiety, and high-normal Neutrophils and monocytes. But I really have no idea what it is, or if it is even an autoimmune disease, etc. + +Thank you for taking the time to read and help me out. It is very much appreciated.",Anxiety +35074,"Today's health anxiety level: shakily taking temperature with a meat thermometer because I couldn't find a human one Today I'd felt pretty okay honestly. Minus my usual stressed out-ness, a mini depressive episode, and being upset I slept in late, it'd be a pretty solid day! + +&#x200B; + +That is, until the little voice in my head going ""hey you should google some symptoms, you know, its probably just a cold but just to be sure."" So I looked up the fact I've been experiencing flushing in my face, and decided that ""oh god it might be rosacea, oh god what if its cushings"" before calming down and saying its probably normal. I noticed it wasn't just face flushing, my whole body felt warm, so I must have a fever, right? It makes sense, as I've been fighting off a cold for a while now. but then just to completely fuck up my day, my brain thought of that little key word that can send me spiraling: sepsis. I looked up the symptoms for sepsis for the millionth time in my life. I took my pulse by hand and it was 100, I took it using two different apps and it was always above 90. That was one check off the list. I couldn't check my blood pressure because I couldn't go get the machine without alerting my family to my weird behavior, but I didn't think I felt like I had low blood pressure at the moment, but do I even know what that feels like? What if this is what it feels like? I switched immediately to the next test I could try, my temperature. I know I've felt my skin warm to the touch, but I'm naturally someone who gives off a lot of heat, but the heat on my face and neck felt abnormal but I needed to know *how* abnormal, so I tore up the areas where we keep health stuff that I *could* tear up discretely and found no human thermometers. It then hit me that we have meat thermometers! A quick google search didn't really say if they'd be effective for taking usual under-the-tongue temperatures but I'm sure it would work anyway. I cleaned off a thermometer and stood in the mirror with it under my tongue so I could see the display. The numbers slowly kept creeping upwards and the suspense was throwing me into a panic, that I *must* have sepsis, but how did I get it? Oh gosh it must be the canker sore I noticed on that one part of my gums that have been swollen for a bit, that's it its because I don't brush my teeth after every meal bacteria from my teeth got into my blood and now I have *sepsis* and I'm going to ***die****.* And then the thermometer eventually plateau'd somewhere around 95.4 or so. And now I'm somewhat calmer but I just can't help still feeling *weary*. Writing this all out here though has sorta helped me illustrate to myself how ridiculous it has been, which is much better than I've handled the fear of having sepsis in the past! So wooo to me :) +",Anxiety +35075,"Am i a hypochondriac? I am a 24 year old female, and would like to preface this by saying that I do actually have a few chronic illnesses that have been diagnosed, one of which is an autoimmune deficiency. As well as severe anxiety with frequent panic attacks. + + That being said, for years now I have been hyper focused on various symptoms my body has displayed that usually end with them disappearing and me forgetting they ever happened. But with every pain or nausea episode I have, I end up spending hours googling symptoms and what they mean. For years now I have put in anywhere from 2-8 hours a day on various medical websites. + +This week alone I have convinced myself that I have: +-ibs +-Crohn's +-breast cancer +-kidney failure +-pregnacy +-kidney stones +-patellafemoral syndrome +-worms +-diabetic ketoacidosis +-an impending heart attack + +I am tired of being scared all the time. I am aware this isn't normal and I haven't even considered that I was a hypochondriac until today. Could that be the cause of these irrational worries? ",Anxiety +35076,"Does anyone have anxiety from STDs? Hi all, I get severe health anxiety when it comes to std’s specifically herpes/hiv. Does anyone else feel this way? If so, please share your story below I’d really like to hear what everyone else has to say. ",Anxiety +35077,"I have to vent! I am so rattled right now. I hate going to the doctor and going makes me freak out. My heart races, my blood pressure rises and my temp always rises to about a 99.0 which freaks my nervous Ass out. I haven’t had blood work done in nearly two years (when I had leukemia anxiety). I am seriously petrified of what could come up in any blood work that is done. I am worried that I’ll find out I’m anemic because I’m losing blood somewhere (I fall asleep on the couch on occasion and it scares me). A new fear I also have is that I will faint when having blood drawn which has never happened before. Earlier this week I built up the courage to go to my allergist so that I could get an update on my meds, I start to tell him about my recent weight gain (from eating out all of the time and being careless with my diet). And he convinces me that there is something wrong with my thyroid from my Zoloft. I am just so frustrated because I want to rule everything out and make sure I know I am fine to get started on getting this dumb anxiety to go away. But I am scared. He didn’t take my blood today but when I go see my Gyno in two weeks he wants me to. I am so nervous. Ugh help!! Has anyone else dealt with this. + +TL;DR + +I am freaked out by the doctor. My allergist wants me to get bloodwork done and just the idea is making me crazy ",Anxiety +35078,"A possible blood clot? I know that I suffer from Health anxiety and it’s been such a relief knowing this group is here and there are others out there just like me. I have a long story which I don’t feel I have the patience to share, but right now I’ve had this pain in my upper leg and in my inner thigh, it’s not crazy bad but it’s enough to feel almost like a bruise or someone kicked me there except that’s never happened. It sort of comes and goes and lasts for a few days and it hurts a significant amount when I walk, my biggest fear is that it’s a DVT or a blood clot, can anyone advise? +",Anxiety +35079,"Is this a normal anxiety response? I’ve been battling with health anxiety for about a year now, and it’s been a rough journey. I’ve been stressed a little and I have a new symptom that I’m not sure is serious or anxiety??? + +For the past 2 days I’ve been having this vibrating/ buzzing feeling in my left chest. Recently I felt it in my left shoulder too. It happens about every 20 seconds and has been constant. I’m freaking out about it, and don’t know if I should see a doctor??? Has anyone experienced this? ",Anxiety +35080,"Any of you w/ anxiety/panic ever notice bulging veins in arms, hands, legs It's always at night when I notice it, but I will look down and it looks like I just gotdone working out or I am on roids. Scares me that it is BP or my heart. Usually all of my tests come out fine but I haven't been to the doctor in a couple months. +I have anxiety symptoms daily so it may be from all of that stress, Idk.",Anxiety +35081,"I'm genuinely unhinged I currently, and have done for the past week, have pinching, cold tingling sensations all over my body. It starts off as a tingle and distils into a pinchy, itchy feeling. I have no rash, it's all over my body - fingertips, neck, hairline, ankles, elbows. I'm going mad. I want out of my skin and mainly out of my head. I cannot believe that my mind would cause such symptoms - if it is that and not something massively creepy and neurological. I'm obsessed with my health, keep imagining a great big tumour pulsating away in my head. The symptoms become worse the more I concentrate on them and I can create pretty much any feeling, depending on what I decide to latch on to and worry about. The last fear was unequal pupils and that's triggered a worry something neurologically wrong. I went to the eye hospital and they scanned my eyes, looking for abnormal discs, pressure etc - nothing was wrong. I also had another perfect blood test. I cancelled a CT scan of my head, because I panicked about the radiation. I feel mad",Anxiety +35082,"Ex-partier, now healthy but with major HA Wondering if anyone else has dealt with this! + +I am now 27. When I was 18 I started a 6-year long party bender. Daily marijuana, pack of cigarettes a day, drinking 5-6 nights a week, MDMA every weekend. It was intense. I was on Zoloft at the time for my anxiety and depression due to a crappy upbringing and social anxiety. + +Flash forward to now. Quit pills 4 years ago, quit weed 1.5 years ago, quit cigarettes a month ago and now only drink once or twice a week. HOWEVER. Since getting healthier and stopping substances, my body has freaked out and feels like complete garbage every day. I have constant heart palpitations, tingling and headaches. I've had ECGs, a brain CAT scan, MRI on my chest, lung x-ray, blood pressure monitor and numerous blood tests and literally they can't find anything wrong with me. I am sad because I feel worse now than I ever did during my party days, and according to doctors I am in great shape considering. Also go to the gym 3-4 days a week. But every day I wake up exhausted, with random pains, not able to focus, random sweating fits, weakness. Panic attacks at least once a week (in the ER 2+ times a month). Anyone else who used to be a crazy party animal have these issues after getting sober?? ",Anxiety +35083,"would my may2018 ECG of picked this up? worried! so; yesterday I was drilling some wood and I out of nowhere felt a dul pain in my left arm and chest, I think it was brought on by putting arm in or moving it in specific positions, and when I took a breath, my left side of chest hurt! it went on like for a few seconds and the simptoms subsided but sometimes if I take a deep breath or lay in some positions it hurts the arm or chest but if I am just sitting still on my computer it doesn't hurt I read about silent hart attacks and this caused me to have my anxiety spiral out of controle again! If there was anything wrong in my heart, would it of showed up on my ECG or is it possible that this could be something new? I keep worrying but I haven't let this whole thing keep me from enjoying my day. I had my ECG in may of 2018 when my anxiety had spiraled out of controle over some palpitations that were 99.9% attributed to eating too many of those chocolate easter eggs. What I notice from the new simptoms though, is that the pains are very intermittent and come and go, like sometimes I will feel some chest pain if I take a deep breath, sometimes if I raze my arm, or hold it a certen way, etc I was able to get a good night's sleep but still worrying about the whole possibility of some undetected heart thing or a potentially dangerous problem. I am 25yo male, 145lbs ",Anxiety +35084,"Palms of hand acting strange! Photos: https://imgur.com/a/m9nXmwG + +While I was in my mirror pinning clothing to be sewn my palm on my left hand started acting funny and I looked at it and it seems to look like it’s swollen a bit. My right hand was doing that for a while + had a very random hyperextending thumb (which I’ve never had but now it bends back far whenever I hold it up). I also noticed the veins in my hands / body in general are extremely noticeable but I wasn’t worried too much about that part as I am a pale person and none of them are varicose veins. I do have (shown in last photo) this pinched/swollen looking vein or tendon (no idea WHAT that is) a little below my index fingers that had shown up over the summer and that was what started health anxiety in my life to begin with. If anyone knows if it looks like something is actually off, I would appreciate any advice. Ofc going to a doctor is always the best bet but I am about to travel for a weekend out of country~I believed for a while that I may have carpal tunnel by the way my palms and some fingers have been acting. Thanks all! ",Anxiety +35085,"Worried about my gallbladder.... I'm 25, 21 BMI, not super active but I've been good about eating whole foods and fiber though I've had a bad sugar habit. I'm also on an oral contraceptive (tri-lo sprintec) and I cut my calories to 1,000 for a few weeks to lose weight. That, plus my irregular eating habits and tendencies to skip meals, puts me at risk for gallstones--I think. + +Last Sunday I noticed I had some really sharp pains on my right side under my ribcage. This isn't totally abnormal, I have had this before, but this time it was much sharper and deeper than normal. It lasted like a minute or so and happened a few more times but it wasn't anything serious--just left me feeling a little chilly. But for whatever reason, my brain was immediately thinking ""that's gallbladder pains"" and I got worked up. For the rest of the week, I've been panicking every time i've had a pain or sensation in the area--which has been fairly often, making me wonder if it's psychosomatic or if something is actually wrong. I've had some pangs radiate into my shoulder and my arm as well, convincing me even more it's my gallbladder and not me panicking. TMI but I also had some considerable gas and bloating throughout the week, and I woke up more nauseous than normal most morning and I've had indigestion and stomach pains a bit after eating as well. I stopped eating stuff with a lot of fat and sugar in hopes that I wouldn't have an attack worse than what I experienced Sunday--in fact I cut out fat almost completely, I've been too afraid to eat it. + +I went for a checkup on Thursday and my doctor ordered bloodtests and an ultrasound on my upper right quadrant. I haven't gotten the results yet, but I got a call from someone at the clinic a day after about information that ""my doctor wanted to share with me,"" but it went to voicemail and when I called back immediately after they never answered--just to add to my worry! + +And now to add even more to my worry, my urine is darker than normal, which is another sign of gallbladder dysfunction I've read about...(though I did have beets for lunch)... + +I've been panicking about this for an entire week, and I know it's nothing to really be stressed over...I've changed my diet as much as I could and I'm getting everything taken care of, but I'm terrified of having another attack or something awry happening in between now and my blood results/ultrasound. And I'm scared for many reasons of having my gallbladder out...I've never had major surgery and I've heard about chronic digestive issues people have after they get it removed...thought that definitely sounds better than having an infected gallbladder explode inside of you. + +Just wanted to vent...I've had to keep myself off of the internet because I kept psyching myself out more and more (and I think it may have ended up giving me more symptoms). I've been so doom and gloom over this and I normally can convince myself to relax even when I'm worried about something being wrong with me, but this time I haven't been. Don't know if it's intuition or what.",Anxiety +35086,"Really scared this is the start of something I've been having sinus issues for the last few weeks and its been driving me crazy with repeated hospital visits and I don't know what to do. + +This January I got a middle ear infection from a flu or cold and after antibiotic treatment it went away and now I'm having pressure on my other ear that feels just the same and I'm worried its another ear infection. I've been googling non stop and I don't know what to do. I've been googling people who lost their hearing and are completely depressed and HIV related to sinus issues because I still have a runny nose all the time and maybe I'm undiagnosed for it. I'm worried that what if my immune system is failing because i have HIV, or cancer. Is this called stress... I don't know what is normal because I've been on edge for years now and I'm scared. + +I don't know what to do. I go normal for a few days then in a state of panic for another month. Is this HIV should I be worried? What if its another ear infection I don't want to go deaf and be depressed for it ! + +Sorry for grammar or spelling. English isn't my main language.",Anxiety +35087,"After Grandma Died i don’t know what’s happening but my grandma died a couple days ago & physical things have been hurting me. such as: + +knee pain that lasted two days then went away +lower right back pain +back pain +sore abdomen +jaw pain +tightness in chest that makes it hard to breathe + + +also i’m constipated so maybe it has to do something with that but i don’t think so. she died of cancer as well as other things that tied into it & im so fucking scared that i have all of what she had & that i’m going to die this year & trust me, i’ve been very anxious about my health but not as much as this. im scared all the time & i see the doctor in a week but still. plus i’m 15 & i’m so stressed & anxious & everything hurts even more ",Anxiety +35088,"I think my ex might have given me something... I (22F) have been feeling really off lately. When I wake up I have a headache and I feel dizzy when I bend over. It also hurts to swallow, which just went away today. I noticed today when I woke up I didn't have a headache nor was I dizzy, but right after I ate breakfast the dizziness and headache came back. Along with all of this, I also have very mild aches in my arms and hands from time to time. This has been happening since the 27th, so seven days overall. It has not been getting worse, but I notice my headaches get worse when I eat the breakfast food at my dining hall. (I'm a college student that lives on campus) I don't think its a cold because I'm not coughing or sneezing and I don't have a fever. I took a STI test yesterday just to rule out any possibility of me having anything and the results are coming back Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I had a boyfriend of 4 months who said he was clean but we still mostly used condoms. The first month we were dating the condom broke during sex and his semen got inside of me. This is what is making me freak out I have something and why I got tested. + +tldr: The past seven days i've had mild body aches, headaches with dizziness after I eat and sometimes right in the morning when I wake up. I'm freaking out that I might have HIV because the condom broke while I was having sex with my ex 6 months ago. (He told me he was clean but we still made it a habit to use condoms)",Anxiety +35089,"Hypochondria buddies? -This is a repost.- + +I’ve either become more aware of my hypochondria or I’ve just gotten more anxious about my health, which isn’t great either way. +However, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this sort of thing, so it’d really be nice to have someone to share my worries with and vice versa. Mind you, my last post was a fail because I got ghosted, so if you’re prone to ghosting please don’t message me. +On that note, message me or comment if you’re actually interested!",Anxiety +35090,"Has anyone had this symptom before.... Last week, I did a presentation, that I was nervous about and almost couldn't speak because of how dry my mouth became. I drank water but it didn't go away. It's been a week and I still have a dry mouth and my anxiety has been all over the place about it. + +I go to the doctor in two weeks for my annual, so I know that will give me some answers. I'm wondering if its diabetes but my fasting glucose from last year was 82, but I'm not sure. I guess I'm wondering if dry mouth is a common symptom of anxiety, I'm not extra thirsty just feeling dry.",Anxiety +35091,"Middle back pain when breathing deeply. I've convinced myself I have a pulmonary embolism. Screw you, health anxiety. I'm trying not to spiral out but it's really hard. ",Anxiety +35092,"I'm so scared because of chest pain :( I'm a 20 y/o female who's always had a high resting heart rate (80-115). I am currently on my period so it is possible it could be related to it but I'm not sure. I had a baby over a year ago and still have some milk, so I thought this might have something to do with the chest pain. I have a history of acid reflux, but I haven't noticed it in about 9 months. The only heart-related risk factors I know of is just that I'm anemic, vape, and that I'm about 35ish pounds overweight. The last 24-36 hours I've noticed some slight pain on the left side of my chest. It isn't that bad, it just feels like its slightly clenching and it makes me nearly have a panic attack everytime I notice it. I first noticed this happening the other night when I got extremely upset and my heart rate went pretty high. Do you think this is anxiety symptoms, breast pain, or actually heart pain? I'm really scared so any replies are greatly appreciated!",Anxiety +35093,Brain zaps/chills I started taking vitamin B12 a few weeks ago and I started getting brain zaps. I know they can be caused when coming off antidepressants but I’ve never been on them in my life. It feels like chills or like fuzziness in my head like static and I hate it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt them before and I can’t say B12 was the reason why but it all started a few days after taking B12 daily. It’s the worst feeling though and I wish it would go away. Even after stopping B12 they still happen now :( ,Anxiety +35094,"How much to say when speaking with your doctor So I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, which I have probably been putting off for too long (I feel like the more I see her, the less seriously she will take me). I have symptoms that have lasted months (or in some cases years, only they've gotten worse), ones that have lasted weeks, and one that just started a few days ago. When I scheduled the appointment, I listed the three most worrisome or annoying symptoms as the reason for going in. My question is just... when I actually go to my appointment, should I read the dr my laundry list of symptoms, or should I just address what I scheduled the appointment for? What do you do when you have many different symptoms? I know that people can have multiple illnesses at once, but the fact that my symptoms are in a few different, probably unrelated areas makes me worry that my dr will just assume that *everything* is in my head (and yes, I'm aware that much of it could be all in my head). I'm also worried that if I mention that all this feeling ill exacerbates my anxiety and that my anxiety exacerbates my feeling ill that she'll write me off as a nut case. + +Tl;dr- I'm experiencing a lot of probably unrelated symptoms. When I see my doctor, should I tell her ALL the symptoms I'm experiencing (and risk being taken less seriously), or just the most concerning ones? What do you do? + +I apologize if this was hard to read.",Anxiety +35095,"Scared of health problems while flying I'm a 30 yo fm, always have had health anxiety since I was a child. Specific fears of flying and having a heart attack or not being able to breath because of Increased pressure and less oxygen 😫I cause myself anxiety and I start to yawn and panic to get a satisfying breath. Scared I'll suffocate or have a heart attack. Flight is tomorrow and scared ",Anxiety +35096,"Had a Panic Attack Last Night. Strange Sensation in Head. Anyone Ever Experienced Something Like it Before? Sorry for making another post so quickly after my last one. But I'm in a bad spot right now and I just need to talk about what I'm going through. + + +:Last night, I had a weird sensation in the left side of my head, above the ear. It felt like something was throbbing or pulsating inside my head. It was never painful and it would go away for a few minutes before coming back. I felt it until I went to sleep (where I thought something was going to happen to me in the middle of the night or I would die in my sleep.) + + +It doesn't help that right now, my current paranoia is a brain tumor or a unruptured aneurysm. Earlier this week I had a headache above my left eye around my eyebrow but that went away after a few hours. I've been incredibly anxious about that side of my head. + + +I woke up this morning and haven't felt it again, though I've been a nervous wreck all day fearing it would return. It hasn't so far, but I think I'm having hypersensitivity in that region cause it feels a bit fuzzy right now. + + +Has anyone else felt something similar to this? + + +Thanks in advance for reading and/or commenting.",Anxiety +35097,"Losing sleep over losing sleep I might have a stomach ulcer. Maybe, probably? I went to a doctor who said I might have an ulcer, but didn't do any tests. Two weeks later I went to an urgent care doctor because I had been up 30+ hours with discomfort and nausea. They did a blood test and said I was h. pylori negative, but I'd been on Prilosec for nearly two weeks and apparently that can affect the test outcome. Was told to keep taking the Prilosec. About a week later I went back to urgent care because I was still losing sleep over nausea. On three or four occasions I have woken up in the middle of the night overheated and needing to vomit, almost fainting in the process. I also have pretty consistent abdominal pain across the entirety of my abdomen, which worries me because Google says that I'd feel pain only in the middle. + +I have really bad anxiety and this health crisis has spiraled me into depression as well. I've changed my entire lifestyle in the last month over this--all I eat are carrots, potatoes, apples, peanut butter, and yogurt. All I drink is water. Everything I do I scrutinize and I'm horribly afraid something will happen to my supposed ulcer and I'll bleed out (especially since I'm away at college and hours from my family). Has anyone dealt with and been officially diagnosed with an ulcer? I'm seeing a specialist in two weeks to hopefully be diagnosed, but I'm having a hard time waiting and would like to know if anyone has experienced anything similar.",Anxiety +35098,"Is anyone else afraid to ride in cars? I’m afraid of the sun coming in the side and harming my eyes (I’m legally blind), so I ride with my head down and eyes shut lol. How do you avoid eye damage in a car?",Anxiety +35099,"Weird heart palpitations Hey guys 22 YO male her in pretty good shape. Wanted to post here because lately I’ve been having strange heart palpitations and it’s been giving me anxiety along with shortness of breath. Not sure if the shortness of breath coincides with the anxiety or the heart palpitations) but regardless, it has been making me really nervous. Any suggestions on what it may be or if there’s something wrong with me? Thanks guys.... ",Anxiety +35100,"PLEASE reassure me. Do i just have anxiety or heart complications/angina? I truly HATE Google. Anything I look up comes back with ""go to the doctor or you will DIE"". + +SYMPTOMS + +Left(just as much chance as the right) side of my chest has pain. It feels kind of internal and dull. It doesn't feel sharp. It comes and goes. + +I've been having these night shivers for two to three months now, where I shake uncontrollably in my legs and my feet start to sweat (sometimes hands not always). I feel better by deep breathing, but not shortness of breath, while going under the blanket to warm up. I also stick my stomach out and hold an object against my stomach pushing into it. This happens I've noticed, when I smoke medical grade marijuana or have excessive sugar, like a unhealthy big cake slice and ice cream. It's to the point where I know when it will happen because I get a little light headed and don't feel myself and it will happen 3-5 minutes later. + +Recently, these chest pains have been occuring. I feel like I'm going to die. After it's over I just WANT to cry or die even if it's gone. + +I don't really get this from exercise. I can try again but I just ran up four flights of stairs and I feel it, but I don't have to sit down or breathe like I can't breathe. It hurts because I think about it! + +Neck pain sometimes but usually depends how I sleep. Back pain sometimes. Not really arm pain. + +My gf says no worth going to the doctor cause the bills. My dad says it's in my mind. Neither of them can physically feel what I'm feeling. As I'm typing this I'm fine but if I think about it it will come the way I explained (dull just a mild annoyance type of pain) + +I'm fucking 23 and healthy. I dance, am vegetarian, sometimes work out and I really don't deserve this. It gets me SO MAD that this has randomly been happening where I'll punch my chest when it hurts just for the fact that I am so pissed off at myself for having this. It's ruining me mentally and I've always had very bad anxiety. I have panic attacks often now as well, around one a day and none if I'm lucky. I used to smoke marijuana a lot and nothing would happen, not even these panic attacks. I have recently started a career job but it's a very stressful one where I deal with public transportation and the crazyb commuters. + +Somebody please I beg to make me feel a little reassured!!!! My dad and his family have diabetes. Last time I went to the clinic three months ago, they said I was fine! No blood tests just the blood pressure arm band was used. Is this angina, anxiety, heart problems?? ",Anxiety +35101,"My HIV Health Anxiety Nightmare I participated in a ‘low risk’ activity. It is estimated the chances of acquiring HIV are about 1 in 2,500. Nevertheless, it has happened. + +4.5 weeks later I got the flu. Cue health anxiety meltdown. + +I tested at 5.5 weeks. Negative. 3 other tests later. Negative. I have just ordered my final test at 12 weeks. I know it’s probably unnecessary but I just need to do it to be able to move on. + +Funnily enough, this is happened before. 3 weeks after a risk where my doctor said that HIV transmission “just doesn’t happen this way”, I absolutely freaked. Cue two negative tests and 1.5 years of worry and not fully believing I was HIV negative. + +I know better than anyone the toll this condition can have on you. From the physical symptoms to the stress, the incessant symptom googling, the constant feeling of your lymph nodes or checking your tongue in the mirror or freaking at a bump on your head that’s probably been there since you were born. It fucking sucks. + +£200 of testing later... let’s hope this chapter of my life has ended. And I can start living again. Because I’ve been living in my head for a while now. ",Anxiety +35102,"[Light] What illnesses have you thought you had throughout your life? I'll start! Leukemia when I was 6 because I heard a family member died from it, bone cancer at 15 cause I had random sharp pains everywhere, appendix burst at 13 when it was actually my ovary hurting extremely due to my first period that was about to come, brain tumor at 18 due to migraines, psoriasis when it was just a skin fungus, ALS at 16 because my muscles were twitching, MS at 19 because of migraines again, mouth tumor at 11 because I had a sore in my mouth and I saw a documentary, lymphoma and sarcoma at 19 because I had a tiny bump in my neck, sarcoma at 20 because of a lump on my crotch that disappeared 4 days later, brain tumor when I was 16 because I almost fainted due to low iron in blood, melanoma at 17 because a tiny dot appeared on my finger (disappeared 1 month later), unknown skin disease at 18 (spoilers! It was stretch marks), at 15 I thought I was going to have a heart attack soon so I went to the cardiologist (it was anxiety because I liked someone omfg. I flashed my boobs at this doctor for nothing), delayed puberty in mid teens because i'm petite, gangrene at 16 because my toe got infected. Wew! I hope i'm not missing any. Thanks to all of that my father rages whenever I tell him I'm going to the doctor. But this time i'm going to one I actually need: a psychologist. Lol",Anxiety +35103,"Thinking I might have diverticulitis I don't really like trying to diagnose myself, but after living with this unique kind of pain for a few months now I'm trying to stay ""positive"" by considering other causes other than defaulting to my mindset that it's cancer. + +I've been experiencing pain on and off in my lower-left abdomen. It ranges anywhere from an ache -- to a burning sensation depending on the day. When it first started happening it got so bad I couldn't sleep on that side. It seems to get worse when the waist-band on any of my pants puts pressure in that area. + +I have already been to the doctor for this before and they took an ultrasound to make sure that it wasn't an ovarian cyst, but they found nothing. I also had a CT-Scan done in that region in July of last year when a kidney stone got lodged in my ureter tube, so they didn't find any anomalies in that area either (note, the pain in my left side only started happening around late November). + +Eating out too much (greasy foods) or over-eating tends to exacerbate it more. + +I'm planning on making an appointment just as soon as my husband and I are approved for our on-site assistance program, but it might be another couple of weeks until we hear back from them. + +I'm currently trying to see if limiting my intake to a healthy amount, drinking lots of water, and exercise helps any. +",Anxiety +35104,Random coughing fit? Not sick Last night I I felt like I was coughing up a lung for 5 minutes like how I do when I’m sick. But i’m not sick and haven’t coughed at all today. Trying not to google lung cancer. What are some normal things thay could cause such a bad coughing fit without having a cold?,Anxiety +35105,"Breast pain / nipple pain Okay, so I am freaking out. I’ve been having come and go nipple discomfort for a few months now... I first noticed it back in October and got an ultrasound that came back all clear. Basically, my right nipple has been feeling weird. The best way I can describe it, is either burning or if I had applied some vapor rub. It comes and goes I haven’t felt it in 2 months but it came back... has anyone felt this before? Im worried about ibc or paget’s . ",Anxiety +35106,"Can I worry so much I have a heart attack? 20 / Female / 128lbs / 5'5 +I don't routinely drink and never do drugs + +I've been having severe panic attacks for about a week now that are unrelated to my health and I was wondering if this could give me a heart attack, or if it's just my panic attacks making my heart feel week. As far as I know, I have no heart conditions.",Anxiety +35107,"Weird sensations in head / headaches 28/M/White/320lbs Blood pressure good (118/81) (currently dieting and losing weight steadily, uncontrolled anxiety/depression caused lots of weight gain) Currently taking Zoloft 75mg and Metaprolol 12mg (half a tablet twice a day) as well as magnesium supplements and vitamin b12 supplements. + +Been suffering with weird sensations in my head since December 11th. Started off getting very mild headaches with pressure in my right temple. Went to Urgent care, they ordered a CT scan without contrast which all came back normal. I do suffer from high Anxiety and depression which is why I take Zoloft. The headaches have always been mild and the pressure has never really been ""severe"" it just kinda scares me. Doctor put me on metaprolol because he thinks it may be migraines as I also get some auras (black dots and what not). The pain also seems to get worse when I lay on my right side, that's when the pressure is at its highest. My doctor honestly doesn't seem too worried about it and thinks it's migraines but I don't see why migraines would give me the head pressure. I think it's getting better but it is definitely still there. A couple things, I have very outdated glasses and really need a new prescription, I also notice lately that I think I'm a pretty bad jaw clincher without realizing it. I might be forgetting some details, but one other strange thing is I feel like it was less painful and obvious if I wore a hat, but then I wasn't sure if it was caused from hearing a hat (beanie) so I stopped wearing that. Sorry if this is confusing, hopefully someone else has experienced this and may be able to help.",Anxiety +35108,"Suspected lead contamination of sink and dishwasher. Should I be concerned? I needed to clean my car battery terminals, so I used some of my measuring cups to make a baking soda solution and scrubbed the battery with an old toothbrush. During the process, some of the copper sulfate and probably lead from the terminals made its way into the cups, so I rinsed them out and put them in the dishwasher for a couple cycles. I used a dish that was also in the dishwasher at the time later. + +In hindsight it was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but now I'm wondering if I've contaminated my dishes, sink, and dishwasher with lead particles. I've ordered a lead self test kit, but I've been thinking about replacing my dishwasher and sink because of this. Am I just being paranoid, or should I be concerned?",Anxiety +35109,Breathing issues So on Thursday I got my first pack of ciggarettes and I smoked about 10-12cigs and my chest hurts and I’m having shortness of breathe could I have developed a terminal illness it’s scaring the crap out of me I’m never lighting another ciggarette again,Anxiety +35110,"Anyone else feel like bugs are crawling on them when they’re stressed out? My last week has been very stressful, I remember many months ago i was experiencing a similar level of stress and back then I used to feel like little bugs were crawling on my skin, it gets worse when I think about it or if I’m going to sleep. It came back because of the stress I’m going through now, at least I think. Is this a normal repose to stress and does this happen to anyone else? ",Anxiety +35111,"Health Anxiety I have fears that I'm going to suddenly go crazy. I have been experiencing smells that I can't explain. I'm just wondering if any of you guys have had this, e.g cigarette smoke and toast. + +Any feedback would be super appreciated.",Anxiety +35112,"anyone else experiencing a sudden surge of anxiety the past few weeks? maybe its the winter, maybe its the stress of exams at this time of year but all of a sudden ive been hit with a ton of new diseases ive started worrying about (als, alzheimers, brain cancer, heart attack, all the classics) and ive been having a tough time coping. + +anyone else experiencing something like this? cause it really sucks",Anxiety +35113,"Sudden Death at any Moment This is my first post on Reddit, so I am unfamiliar with things work, however I am here out of desperation. + +Over a week ago, I smoked a THC vape pen, (a concentrated form of THC). I hadn't smoked weed in around a year and I generally do not like it. I felt nothing for around 10 minutes, then it all hit at once, and I became very nauseous, dizzy, began to sweat profuseley and breathe heavily, had a panic attack, and had to sit down to avoid passing out. + +I worried I was going to die. I now know that it was a normal reaction to way too much THC, called a greenout, and I recovered from most of the symptoms after a few days. However, while ""greening out"", I felt a strange pressure under the skin of my forehead, and apparently a red spot formed there temporarily. + +Most of the symptoms went away. However, multiple times a day, I feel a light pressure in my forehead still, and a few days after that, it spread to feel like it was behind my right eye too. No pain, just a light pressure that gets worse with exercise. I also feel foggy and dizzy, and have ear ringing commonly. + +I am here because I have an anxiety disorder, and have had major issues with health anxiety in the past, especially a fear of aneurysms. I forced myself to believe that my symptoms were a result of anxiety, but when they didn't go away, I went to the family doctor yesterday. + +I explained things to the doctor, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. He said it was likely a tension headache, but, in his words, ""wanted me to get a CT scan to make sure it's nothing like an aneurysm"", though he highly doubted it. + +That made my fears worse. An aneurysm is one of my greatest fears. Worse, I have to live with this fear for another week because they can't get me a CT scan until the 12th. The only thing preventing me from freaking out totally is the unlikelihood that I would develop one. I'm a generally healthy non smoking 21 year old male with no known family history of this on either side. The symptoms, while they are strange, can seem like those of an aneurysm, but they're too unclear for me to be sure, and could be a number of things. + + I am keeping in mind my past experiences worrying about health anxiety that came to nothing, but it's hard to overcome my fears and symptoms. This past week I have spent in constant anxiety, and now I'm too afraid to even walk up the stairs or drink tea or anything that might raise my blood pressure, because it might rupture an aneurysm. I think constantly about my own death and have trouble sleeping and eating. I know this makes it worse, but I don't know what to do. Ive googled all this heavily (I know, another bad habit) and I can't find any explanations as to what's wrong with me. ",Anxiety +35114,"Trying to knock this current bout of anxiety before it gets hold So I picked a spot on my back earlier, gross I know. But then I went and told my wife she could finish it off (she gets a weird kick from it haha) and she said ""that's not a spot babe"". Wow, such simple and meaningless words have sent me into a spiral in the last 30 minutes where I've already diagnosed myself with aggressive skin cancer. + +&#x200B; + +I guess all I can do is keep an eye on it, chances are it'll heal up and it was just an ingrown hair or something (don't have a hairy back but there are a few patches). + +&#x200B; + +I suppose I'm just venting here... but I know I'm going to be constantly checking my lymph nodes etc out of fear for the next few weeks. I can't be assed with this right now ARGH,",Anxiety +35115,"Worrying about CBC Results I just took a CBC today and was wondering with the results since the figures are a bit off from the reference values. To be honest, I did so thanks to my paranoia and it did make me more paranoid. Haha. -_- + +Hemoglobin - 118 (range: 133-180) + +Hematocrit - 0.36 (range: 40-0.54) + +WBC - 13.4 x 10.9 g/L (range: 5-10) + +Neutrophil - 0.84 (range: 0.4-.6) + +Lymphocytes - 0.14 (range: 0.2-0.4) + +Platelets - It only says HIGH Count + + +Thank you in advance.",Anxiety +35116,"Constant heart anxiety. I’ve been lurking on this sub for about two weeks. It all started one morning after shoveling heaps of snow and ice off of my car for about 40 minutes. I got to work and felt a distinct fluttery feeling in my chest several times over the course of an hour or two. That has subsided, but for the past two weeks I’ve had what I can only describe as a discomfort in my upper left chest that comes and goes. + +I’ve always been the person who googles every single symptom and constantly catastrophizes every situation. So after this incident I’ve monitored every ache and pain, every strange feeling, every random heartbeat that seems too strong or out of place. I am 31f, and I have many symptoms of acid reflux and also a great deal of general anxiety. It also doesn’t help that I work on my feet moving and lifting things all day long so while I get in a healthy step count daily, my arms, shoulders, back, and legs are usually hurting one way or the other. + +I am scheduling an appointment with my GP, but I’m hoping to find some reprieve from the constant googling, as well as the fueling of my anxiety caused by any minor, unfamiliar twinge in my body. Any advice is greatly appreciated! + +",Anxiety +35117,"My IUD & HA Hi all, I just wanted to put this story out there if any women are experiencing something similar. + +&#x200B; + +5 1/2 years ago, I got a non-hormonal IUD put in (Paragard). Shortly after, my anxiety skyrocketed, and my spiral of hospital and doctor visits revolving around my HA started. I wondered if my IUD was triggering it, and I even went to my OB to get it taken out to which she scoffed at me and told me there was NO way my IUD was exacerbating my anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +FF to May of last year, and I get my IUD out. I go on a trip immediately afterwards, and my anxiety is high still because of travel. I get back and BOOM. My anxiety is down to a 2-4/10 verses the 6-9/10 that it had been for almost 6 years. + +&#x200B; + +I'm not saying go get your IUD ripped out, but just a reminder to be your own advocate and trust the way you feel. Just because ""no one"" has had those side effects to a medication/implant doesn't mean it's not happening.",Anxiety +35118,"ALS Fear Sending My Life In A Downward Spiral. I don't know where to to turn other then to people who may be able to relate to me. Every second of the day lately I have it in my head that I am going to pass away from ALS shortly. + +It all started about 1 - 2 weeks ago. I started having muscle twitches in my right arm and right thigh, and when I bend over to pick something up or when I squat, my right thigh muscles twitch and tremor uncontrollably. A few google searches later, ""ALS"" is popping up all over the place. It's been a constant worry now with every 5 - 10 minutes me getting up out of my chair to ""test my strength"" in my right leg. But every time I squat or try to balance on my right leg and bend at the knee, the tremors and twitches trigger in my right thigh like crazy. I have really horrible HMO insurance and it takes anywhere from 3-5 weeks for me to see a Primary Care Physician. I have an appointment for 4 weeks from now with my PCP. But until then all I can do is sit back and hope for the best but expect the worst. + +I am in in a massive downward spiral now. I can't do anything but sit on my computer and research ALS. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because in my head I want life to move as slowly as possible just incase I have not a lot of time left on this earth. I don't know where else to turn. I am so so so scared. (28 year old Male). + +Thank you anyone and everyone who took the time to read this. Idk what writing my thoughts down will do, but I hope I can soak in some positive vibes.",Anxiety +35119,I WANT THIS FEELING TO END!!! I just want this feeling to end I feel the older I got the more worried I got about dying I've been anxious since I was 13 I'm now 32 over the years it was roller coaster some days I wasn't anxious at all mom kept me busy with sports cheer in 2009 3 family members died my cousin being 16 scared me so much I didn't even want go out in 2011 two more family members died my cousin being a young mom leaving her babies behind made me think if got took her being a mom why wouldn't he take me being young so my anxiety went from a 2 to a 10 and I haven't been able to control it seeing cardiologist different drs because I want to be reassured Im not dying =( I don't want be this way anymore I just want be okay I want live ,Anxiety +35120,"I keep losing my ability to sneeze OK, this is a very bizarre one, but I've been suffering from this issue on and off for over two years, and it's having a big impact on my life. It'd be great if someone is able to shed some light on this. I keep losing the ability to sneeze. Basically, I'll get to the ""ahh"", but the ""choo"" won't happen. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it all started when I had some kind of allergic reaction to something in 2016, and I found myself unable to sneeze for at least three weeks. During that time, I had quite bad headaches and head pressure. When I finally sneezed, the pain instantly disappeared. + +&#x200B; + +Since then, the problem keeps coming back, along with the head pain/pressure I mentioned earlier. I think the longest I've gone without sneezing naturally is three months. Strangely, I can force myself to sneeze by tickling the inside of my nostrils with a pointy tissue, but that doesn't seem to relieve the head pain. However, I can occasionally sneeze if I think about something erotic and fortunately that does relieve the head pain! + +&#x200B; + +I've researched this problem countless times and I read somewhere that inability to sneeze could be the sign of a brain tumour, which seems very unlikely because I would also have more serious symptoms, such as an inability to yawn or swallow, which I can do perfectly fine. Also, the fact that I'm able to FORCE myself to sneeze surely means there's nothing seriously wrong? + +&#x200B; + +I also read that it could instead be a psychological problem, and I honestly think that could be right - sometimes, when I feel a sneeze coming on, it'll come out fine when I'm having a conversation with somebody, so it could be that it helps to be distracted from the sneeze instead of worrying about it. I would also like to mention that looking at the light in my bedroom SOMETIMES makes the sneeze come out at the last second, despite the fact that I don't think I have the photic sneeze reflex (i.e. ability to sneeze without fail by looking at a bright light). + +&#x200B; + +Plucking my nose hairs can also make me sneeze, but I tried that a few days ago and it didn't work. Now I'm ""sneeze-stuck"" again. Hoping someone can help! Thanks.",Anxiety +35121,"Heart ""jumping"" in chest and suspected PVC. Any advice? Hey guys, + +For the last few days I've been having a hard time with a weird sensation in my chest. + +Four or five times a day, I'll have a feeling like my heart ""jumped"", or skipped and beat and compensated with one bigger beat to pump out more blood through my arteries. It feels horrible. For a few seconds, I feel like I have no pulse and even though I know it's normal and it's usually harmless it's just a horrible, scary, devastating feeling. +Does anybody have any advice on how to deal with those things?",Anxiety +35122,"Abdominal aorta anxiety I can strongly feel my abdominal aorta pulsating. Laying down and standing up. I did a mistake and googled it a few weeks ago and anxiety hit me hard. Even tho it said that aneurysm happens mostly to men over 65, I can't get this out of my mind. + +I am skinny female in my 20's so I think this should be normal but my brain won't believe it.. I went to the doctor who didn't even examine me but just said ""I guess it's normal"". That didn't really help. + +I think I only need to hear that others do feel their pulse in their stomach too and it's normal.. ",Anxiety +35123,"Intestinal anxiety I'm a 27 year old male, I don't smoke in any capacity nor do I do any drugs or drink alcoholic drinks in any capacity. I'm not on any medications and have no pre existing illnesses. + +Last year I had a pretty large bowel movement, large enough that I couldn't pass it without manipulating my anus with my hand to ease the log out, since then I've been having blood in my stools (on toilet paper and in/on feces), the blood is red, not sure if it's dark red but it's definitely not black. I have no pain associated with passing a stool at all which is slightly comforting I guess... + +Shortly after the blood started showing up last year I took myself to the ER and explained what was happening, after getting a finger up my ass I was told it was most likely hemorrhoids. Not to long after visiting the ER the blood in my stool disappeared and I was relieved, now after roughly a year ish later it's shown up again and been off and on for about a month, still no pain associated with having bowel movements, just anxiety. + +For the record I have no loss of appetite, no weight loss, and no fatigue out of the ordinary. I have no direct family with a history of colorectal cancer.",Anxiety +35124,"Bone tumor I had been doing so well for a couple years up until recently. I've got a bony lump growing on my sternum over the last two months, with pain being present for the past 1.5 months. I had an x-ray, blood test, and CT scan. The lump is undoubtably growing and the pain is still there. All the scans and the blood test came back fine, the radiologist just noted a ""sternal notch"" and everything else was fine, there were no suggestions as to what it is or anything. + +My university doctor doesn't seem to know what it is and just said ""you may be producing extra cartilage right now. It might be one of these things where you'll have to wait up to 6-8 months for the pain to go away."" How is the pain supposed to go away if this bony lump is still growing and likely won't disappear without surgery? + +I feel better with the radiologist not being suspicious of the lump, but I still feel uncomfortable because no one knows what it is yet and I feel like bone cancer is still kind of in the picture. My sternum/sternal joint pain is still here and it has been 1.5 months. I'm making an appointment with my real doctor back home to try and nail this shit down. I'm 22, about to graduate, and I really don't need bone cancer to kill me right now.",Anxiety +35125,"Does anyone else experience this? Chest pain/aches General info: male, 21 yr old, 150 pounds in weight + +So about the last 3 months I've been dealing with extreme anxiety and hypochondria involving fear of something being wrong with the heart and something bad happening in general. Last month I went to the er, did an echocardiogram, ekgs, holter monitor, and had some blood tests done. The doctors said all the results came back within normal ranges. However I've been having chest pains/aches over the duration on the left, middle, and right side and specifically the last few days it's been like an ache on the left side of the chest. I told my cardiologist and he advised treatment for my anxiety first then if symptoms persist I can make another appointment with cardiology. The last few days I haven't had much anxiety but still have had chest aches. Does anyone else experience similar feelings? Any thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.",Anxiety +35126,"Thes past weeks i have been really worried These past weeks i have thought that i have Multiple sclerosis or Fibromyalgia because i have been feeling similar symptoms to those diseases. I searched up about health anxiety and read that a very common symptom is pins and needles which i am feeling a lot. Every time i hear those two diseases or even read them, i always get butterflies in my stomach. By the way in the past i have also had worries about my health. I have had worries about my shoulder since it was starting to become numb and the joint clicking exactly in the spot that i had fell on a few years back playing soccer. I also had big worries that i had cubital tunnel syndrome since i was feeling numb in my pinky for two weeks. Another thing to note is that my grandma has always had the same problem about how shes always anxious about her health, so i don’t know if it could be inherited behavior or something like that. If anyone was wondering i am thirteen and male. Please give me advice.",Anxiety +35127,"Is my tailbone supposed to feel like this? I'm kind of freaking out. + +Recently in the shower, while checking my body for signs of anything off as usual, I felt my tailbone/lower spine and realized it felt totally different than it used to. + +I have no pain in my lower back or tailbone, but the actual bone itself feels strikingly different when I press down and feel it. I've felt my tailbone before, and it didn't feel like this. + +The best way I can describe it is like, there are several bony lumps on it when I swear it used to just feel like one single bone bump. + +Is there a way to accurately tell how tailbones are, well, supposed to feel?",Anxiety +35128,"Health Anxiety? Random abdominal pain, scared of going to the doctor and potentially hearing worst case scenario I’ve had a LOT going on since Christmas. I lost my grandmother to cancer, I’ve been sick, had a panic attack, felt grief out of nowhere for the first time which included pains, random anxiety, and somewhat a fear of my own health. + +I had diverticulitis at the end of October last year and it was the first time I realized “oh wow. I’m not invincible and there are more things than stomach aches” + +With all of this going on, I’ve also now started to feel a small pain around my gallbladder. It mainly happens when I’m readjusting my position, sitting uncomfortably, etc. it feels almost swollen and like I’m squishing it (I’m a bigger guy). I’ve read things online for relief hoping it was just gas or it’d go away on its own. It’s definitely gotten better! When it’s not hurting I’d feel a pain in my lower right, or on my left side. All of these pains are a 0-3 max on the pain scale. + +I can’t decide if I’m just looking for something wrong, or if I’m having health anxiety. I’m just so scared to go to the doctor because I don’t think I’ve ever gone and heard good news. It feels like it’s getting better over time, but I wonder if I’m over analyzing every pain or feeling I feel now. + +I know I should go to the doctor, but I’m scared of going and hearing I have to have surgery, or if I’d hear (hopefully) “it’s just irritated from a bad diet and lack of exercise. Lay off fatty foods and take 2 of these a day and you’ll be all good”",Anxiety +35129,"Overracting, help me calm down Some relaxtion techniques would be useful. ",Anxiety +35130,"I just fainted and im freaked I got up quickly from my desk. + +Vision zoomed in, ears muffled, dizzy and fell down. + +I told my doctor. She said ""You're on Trazodone, this is a common and normal side effect somtimes. Stop taking it and dont think about it"" + +Also been getting night sweats so im worried about hokinds lymphoma.",Anxiety +35131,"Health Anxiety, what has worked for me - Hopefully it helps you I have health anxiety and it's taken me about 3 years to. It feels good to know that I am not crazy or feel like I am dying from cancer or having a stroke or whatever else it can be. The symptoms are all over the place one month it will be numb limbs, the next month my face feels tingly, the next month I have shortness of breath, then the next month is muscle cramps, the next is heart palpitations. Each time I I've been to the doctor so many times its kind of silly. Here are some ways I cope with it. I have days where it's gone, mild days, and days where it's an episode. I am glad I found this group because it makes me feel like I am not alone. It's hard to talk with people about your health anxiety because most people don't understand. I think it's fine for people to not understand we all + +1. I see a CBT therapist +2. I channel my thoughts into something creative (painting, woodworking, reading, writing, drawing etc.) +3. I keep a journal about the symptoms/day to day occurrences +4. I listen to classical/calming music before bed +5. I allow myself to worry for an hour a day +6. In the morning for about 10 minutes, I tell myself I am healthy, people love me, and today will be great, you will be ok. +7. I laugh/talk about it with my friends (not for everyone but it helps me to know that some people have health anxiety at a mild level) +8. I note all of the things that happened that have made me feel better and then I repeat them, in addition I also write down all of the things that made me feel bad and try to articulate why that make me feel bad. +9. Little to no Caffeine, I love coffee but limit myself to drinking coffee on good days. As coffee can sometimes really amplify my symptoms. +10. Little to no alcohol, I limit my alcohol intake to social events and never drink on weekdays. I noticed that alcohol while it suppresses my symptoms it makes me into a monster emotionally, so I only drink when I am having a good day and not worried about anything. +11. Find a hobby. I like to sail, a hobby that requires concentration around the boat and everyone on the boat it helps me be mindful of my surroundings. It's something that has me forget about the symptoms because there is no time. This one took me about a year but I am glad I invested my time into it. + +This list is a work in progress, my recovery has been slow and each month I set a small goal for myself. In the midst of the anxiety it's important to realize that recovery and healing take time it will never happen overnight and I think understanding this and setting very small goals has really helped me. My list above is months of testing out different methods to see what worked for me. Just remind yourself it takes time, you are not alone. ",Anxiety +35132,"I've developed a stutter Last few days can't think very clearly, been having night sweats and developed a stutter. + +Obviously it's Hopkins Lymphoma and metastatic Brain cancer ..... Again. + +:( + +Man I hate this. I rationally know how retarded that sounds but.... Still... Can't shake it",Anxiety +35133,"Symptoms without any cause Hi everyone, + +Do you think it would be possible for people to have symptoms for longer times (headaches, fatigue, muscle aches) without ANY cause?",Anxiety +35134,"Elevated liver enzymes and elevated protein in blood. I’m trippin I had a comprehensive metabolic panel done to see how my potassium level was doing because of two medications I am on (yaz and spironolactone). My potassium level was fine my they found elevated liver enzymes and elevated proteins in my blood. + + +I’m freaking out - I know I shouldn’t web md it but I can’t help myself and I’ve been googling it for hours now. + + +I’m a 28F, exercise daily, eat well, 135lbs, I vape, rarely drink alcohol. I have a history of drug abuse though, iv user for 2 years but I’ve been clean for the last 7 and have been tested for hiv/hep c when I first got sober and it was negative. + + +I spoke w a pharmacist who said it is rare that my medications could cause this. I’m wondering if it is my past drug use that is causing this? Or an autoimmune disease, which runs in the family? Or what? And slightly more benign causes?",Anxiety +35135,"My mind surprised me even... So here’s the story, I was hungry and had come home from school. Thought I’d workout and order some ol Red Robin from doordash. + +Fast forward I feel like my driver is taking too long, I gave her a call and she sounded nervous and said she’d be picking it up in a minute or so (even though the app said the food had been picked up). + +Eventually, brought my food about 20 min or so after the call. And, now that I’ve eaten it for some reason my mind only thought of anthrax... and how my nervous driver could have poisoned my food... + +So here I am, full and satisfied... awaiting the appearance of any anthrax related symptoms and I guess the ol lights out after that... + +Man I don’t think I’m ever delivering food again... please someone this sounds crazy!",Anxiety +35136,"Mitral valve prolapse, anxiety or something else causing these symptoms? Ok so I've been having some issues with my heart for about 6 years (I'm turning 19 this year) and I've been to the cardiologist 3 times. The first time i went i was told i had mitral valve prolapse and that it was nothing to worry about. The second time i actually went to the er because i was experiencing shortness of breath along with a weird pulse and chest/arm pain. The doctor there said it's just anxiety and nothing else and only told me to get some food supplements. After that my symptoms would come and go and about a year and a half i went to the cardiologist i went the first time again. + + This time she told me i have mitral valve prolapse with leakage to the pulmonary valve and a distention of the aorta in the Valsalva sinus (keep in mind I'm trying to translate my doctor's note in English so I might have made some mistakes). + +Anyway after she finished the echo and the heart ultrasound she told that most of the things i experience are due to MVP and anxiety and that I'm okay but that I should also avoid things like coffee and energy drinks. I'm sure she explained things with more detail but my mind was pretty blank due to the constant anxiety I had these days lol. I still have shortness of breath and some pains in the chest and left arm that come and go along with back pains. I also get heart palpitations and a weird heart rate that is sometimes too fast and other times too slow (I went to have a blood test and an ultrasound for my thyroid a month before since my TSH was higher than normal and they came out ok and was told that I should do the tests again after 6 months). + + I just want to know if i should worry about the other notes my doctor wrote despite my mitral valve prolapse and if these symptoms i experience have anything to do with my aorta or the pulmonic valve leakage or even my high thyroid hormone. Maybe my anxiety makes my symptoms seem so serious and I'm reading into this too much..",Anxiety +35137,"Spinning out with health anxiety Hi all, + +New post, struggling big time with health anxiety, to the point that it is becoming hard to cope. + +I'm 36 years, old, I have two kids, currently nursing a 1 year old. About 4-6 months ago, I started losing weight. Initially I thought nothing of it, I figured it was just being a busy mom! + +But fast forward and within that time, I caught just the most random viruses, and badly. I caught a flu that immediately turned to pneumonia. I caught a viral rash from my 4 year old niece. My weight kept dropping. + +At this point, I started to become understandably anxious and curious as to what was happening. I had bloodwork during my pneumonia that came back ""normal"" in her eyes. But I noticed today there was elevated platelet count and low lymphocytes. Which are commonly linked to cancer of some sort. Why did I google it? + +I'm just spinning out, because I lost my dad recently to a very rare aggressive cancer. Something just doesn't add up. I'm just scared that it is something seriously wrong. I'm getting more bloodwork done to hopefully alleviate my worries now that I am healthy... it could just have been related to the pneumonia, and the weight loss to nursing, anxiety and being a busy mom. But I can't see her until next week, and it is just torturous waiting. + +Any tips on how to cope? Similar experiences?",Anxiety +35138,"Strep Throat, I don't know. Good evening, + +So, I just got back from the doctor, as I went because I have a bad sore throat. They looked at my throat for what seemed like 5 seconds with just a tongue depressor and told me that nope, everything is fine. I didn't even get a swab. + +I feel really uneasy after this experience, and while I think it is just a sore throat myself, I almost want to go back, and just ask if I can get a swab or something done. I feel like I was brushed off. + +I'm scared because Strep if left untreated becomes Sepsis, and where I am located I have 2 options, this one clinic (one I visited) or waiting in the hospital. + +I just don't know what to do and I'm getting really worried.",Anxiety +35139,"How do I know if its health anxiety or OCD? I obsess over my health A LOT right now. I got over my health anxiety once but now its back since a slight worry of my right hearing actually became true, I had a hearing problem in my right ear. + +While I still worry about these things I also worry about things that are wrong with me in general, psychological or not. I'm kind of worried now that my health anxiety might be OCD? I've heard that OCD is harder to treat. + +OCD is obsessive thoughts as well and I have those with my health. How do I know if it's just health anxiety or if its OCD? Thank you",Anxiety +35140,"Why do I feel weak and sick all the time? Freaking out for a month now. Bloodwork/uralysis results: https://imgur.com/a/divyBwV + +**Please click on the images and expand them before claiming they are too blurry to read. Thank you.** + +Bilirubin was elevated, but he said it was just Gilbert's syndrome? He is my new family doctor (Canada). Old family doctor would have done all sorts of clinical examination (feeling abdomen for things, listening to abdomen with stethoscope, neurological testing etc.), but new doctor barely looks at me. + +Daily fatigue began last March, improved somewhat in September, then worsened again in January. I've been experiencing the following symptoms for the past month+: + +* Muscle weakness - hands and legs feel shaky and uncoordinated, worried I'm going to drop glasses when I pick them up to drink, legs shake while I'm walking up and down stairs, etc. Worsens with exertion. +* Left hand feels weaker than right, and sometimes has pins and needles sensation. +* Extreme drowsiness +* Brain fog +* Flushing in legs, chest, head, and what feels like rapid temperature fluctuations from cold to warm. +* Lower left abdominal pain and discomfort. +* Nausea and dizziness +* Feel very hungry much of the time, often shortly after eating. Gnawing feeling of hunger. +* Seem to never gain weight despite eating 4 meals a day. +* Mild urine retention due to tight bladder neck (began 2+ years ago, diagnosed via cystoscopy in November) +* Infrequent sharp pain near anus/rectum +* Very twitchy eyelids - Initially it was only my right eyelid, but now my left eyelid twitches as well as eyebrow and upper cheek on right side. + +Stool is mostly normal, but: + +* Undigested bits of food in stool +* Feel like bowels aren't completely voided, but can't push the rest out. Feeling goes away after wiping. +* Stool sometimes broken up into large chunks instead of one long stool +* Stool sometimes thin and stringy + +Symptoms can be up and down, but mostly down, and seem to correlate with food on some level, although I can't figure out any meaningful pattern. I am unsure which symptoms are connected and which are not. The fatigue and weakness worsens with exertion, even just going for walks, making exercise difficult. + +I am a 30 year old male. I weigh 120-125lbs, and height is 5""6. I haven't had alcohol in over 4 years, and I've never been a heavy drinker. I eat reasonably healthy meals, and still maintain a reasonably high appetite in spite of these symptoms. + +Most distressing symptom by far is the fatigue and weakness. Can barely keep eyes open sometimes, and it can feel like I'm tied to a ball and chain. + +I had an ultrasound and liver workup, in addition to the bloodwork above, which were apparently normal. + +Doctor believes I have somatic issues related to anxiety and refuses to do additional testing or refer me to any specialist. I cannot find a new doctor, because there is an extremely long waiting list for family doctors. While I begged him for more investigation he practically sat there laughing at me and told me to go find another doctor if I wasn't happy. + +I am worried, and my quality of life is suffering. Should I just keep going to the hospital until they agree to investigate? What should I do?",Anxiety +35141,Eye floaters... Anyone else deal with these? Can this be a symptom of anxiety? ,Anxiety +35142,"Elevated Liver Enzymes!!! Help Hello all. I went in for a random blood screening as its been awhile. My cholesterol was high 223. While my AST level was 45 and my ALT level was 73. I am freaking out. I'm 38, workout at least three days a week. I do know my diet over the past two months is crap. Dont take tylenol....i am over here freaking out though. Anyone else go through this?",Anxiety +35143,Bowel or colon cancer? I am scared to death I have bowel or colon cancer I am 23 with a form of lynch syndrome I've been constipated for 3 weeks sometimes it will come out as hard pellets and sometimes it will be completely mushy I have noticed little black specks in the stool as well no real bright red blood no abdominal pain unless I eat then i get a bloated feeling sometimes I have to strain everytime I poop whether its soft or hard poop and I'm scared to death I have a colonoscopy scheduled in a couple weeks even though the gi didnt think I needed it but they say that alot because of my age ,Anxiety +35144,"Anyone have constant vivid dreams with health anxiety? Hello all, + +&#x200B; + +I don't even know where to begin. These last few months have been absolutely unforgiving to me. I had three family members pass way in three months. I wish I was making this up. One died in October, November and early January. Also in November, I was diagnosed with early stage melanoma. + +Now I already suffer with severe health anxiety, however these events have really set me off. I focus on every aspect of my body, from my breathing, coughs, to my abdominal paints, to my moles. I have some symptoms that I hope are associated with health anxiety. + +I have been focusing more on my breathing. Not that I have been having trouble breathing (I sleep well) but I focus on it more now, which makes me think I'm putting in more effort. + +Also, since October, I've been having very vivid dreams almost every night- never ending ones. And I never wake up feeling like they're good dreams. I feel like all of my fears manifest in these dreams. I have had a vivid dream almost every night for months and I don't know how to get rid of them. I try praying right before I sleep, but that doesn't help all the time. + +I need help :(",Anxiety +35145,"Boyfriend got water up nose when kayaking in river. I’m worried about brain eating amoeba, of course. So this is what happened: +(It’s summer here at the moment, we’re from Aus) +BF was kayaking, came across a fast-flowing current and flipped his kayak. He was pulled quickly to the surface by his life jacket. +Got some water up his nose. +He told me about it. +I’m silently panicking and dreaming out thinking that he’s going to die. +Here is a bit more extra information about the situation: +- water was fast flowing +- water was unpleasantly cold +- we have looked at the water from said river under the microscope before for unrelated reasons and could barely find any bacteria let alone amoeba +- he has had water go up his nose as a child in a still, warmer dam (so badly that it went all the way into his throat) and it didn’t affect him. +And I know that it’s extremely rare for an infection to occur, but that’s not going to stop me from worrying for the next 15 days. +I need help. What should I do? +",Anxiety +35146,"Blood Pressure is High I am a physically fit, young male who’s blood pressure has suddenly become high. A month a go I had blood pressure taken no problem but today and 2 weeks ago it was high. Now I’m going through various tests to figure out what’s wrong. I don’t have white coat hypertension or at least never have before, at this point idk what’s going on and I’m doing whatever i can to not drive myself crazy",Anxiety +35147,"Stabbing random pain in the left side of chest? Hi, I get these random stabbing pain in the left side of my chest and I'm not sure what it is... I've been to the doctor and they've ruled out any possibility of heart disease or anything else. +Could anxiety cause pains such as these?",Anxiety +35148,"Rabies Scare So I came upon a branch that had some porcupine quills embedded in it, and was stupid enough to pull a few out to get a better look. A managed to poke myself in the finger with one - it didn't go very deep (no blood) and I pulled it out right away. + +Anxiety reared its head and I was suddenly worried about exposure to rabies. I did call urgent care to see what they said. They didn't know the answer right away and had to do a bit of research. The verdict that came back was ""porcupines don't carry rabies, so you should be fine."" + +I wasn't particularly confident in this assessment since porcupines can like most mammals carry and transmit rabies. I'm wondering if she was just referring to the quills. + +Any way I'm still kind of freaking out - Rabies does not seem like a fun way to go. + +Any reassurances? I'm sure people have been stuck with quills before without getting rabies, right?",Anxiety +35149,"Lower left abdomen pain Well I have an appointment for an ultrasound tomorrow due to random but dull pain in my lower abdomen and in my left testicle. Could be multiple small things but now I'm convinced I have testicular cancer and am fully fearing getting it done lol, fun times. Any one have an experience with symptoms like these and was it serious ? Put my mind to rest or not lol 😂 I'm 20 btw",Anxiety +35150,"Feeling of something stuck in throat Hi all. i’m very new to reddit and i’ve been having the worst day. I’ve been having BPD flair ups all day and around night time i was eating dinner, stir fry with vegetables (soft ones). i had a feeling that a soft veggie peel got stuck in my throat. no matter what i did it wouldn’t come out. + +Long story short (trigger warning for some.. + + + +i made myself throw up to get it out. I saw some come out but then my throat still felt like there was a lump in it. I called a nurse and she said as long as i am breathing and can swallow (which i always could) i’m fine but its just feeling like there something stuck and that i’ll choke in my and die. Anyone else had this feeling? could this be all in my head? I hate healthy anxiety. i’ve been having panic attacks all night. just feels like there’s a lump in my throat now. + +",Anxiety +35151,Gotta love anxiety. My hypochondria has actually been in check for the last few months because I’ve been so busy and had no time to even think about anything besides school/work. As of lately life has been incredibly stressful and I ended up getting the flu. Due to the stress it caused my period to be late which stressed me even more. Then all the sudden I got a minor ache in my groin area where *i think* the lymph nodes are located. I thought I felt it swollen but couldn’t really tell as I was pushing pretty hard to feel something that I’m sure my anxiety was/is causing. Anyone have experience with swollen lymph nodes in the groin area? When they’re swollen is it clear and unquestionable that they are? It’s only the left side I’m experiencing it. I noticed if I’m occupied I don’t have any kind of ache. Stupid anxiety. If I could go to the doctor I would. It would ease my fear. But unfortunately money is tight and insurance doesn’t come cheap.,Anxiety +35152,"Does chlorine definitely kill brain eating amoebas? Sorry to spam this sub with two posts about this. but as I said earlier, I purposely snorted water up my nose after I vomited earlier, because my nose was burning really bad from puking. I'm in Florida right now where according to the CDC the brain eating amoeba naegleria fowleri is common. In a panic I researched the water quality and according to the internet this town's tap water is chlorinated. Does that definitely mean I'm safe from amoebas, or should I still be worried??",Anxiety +35153,Muscle twitches Please help I’m going crazy. Ever since the beginning of December I’ve been having muscle spasms and they’ve gotten worse... I try to tell myself that it’s just anxiety but I’m really afraid that it’s not :( I only notice them when I’m at rest (sitting or laying down) and I don’t think I have muscle weakness ... just really tired and haven’t really been working out. But the muscle twitches ARE ALL OVER MY BODY literally in places I didn’t think I could have them... I’m just really scared it’s als. I have a lot going on so I haven’t gone to the doctor I’m going tomorrow though.. hopefully I will get some answers ,Anxiety +35154,anxiety over leg numbness so i've had crippling anxiety/health anxiety for 2 years now. it's been such a torture in my life and i still havent gone to see a therapist (mostly financial reasons). but anyway two nights ago my left leg started feeling restless while i was lying in bed and i didn't think much of it and went to bed with no problem. i woke up forgetting about it until i remembered and the feeling came back even worse. it feels like how your limbs feel after they fall asleep and you wake them up - slightly numb and tingly and sometimes it feels kinda like how your legs burn after you exercise. this has been going on for two days and it's caused me so much panic because i automatically think its DVT. it was so bad that last night i had the worst panic attack i've ever had and i legitimately could not breathe. i took a xanax and i could breathe again and went to sleep but i've been dealing with it all day and my breathing has been hay wire today which is especially great since DVT can lead to pulmonary embolism which is shortness of breath so lol.... i'm going to the doctor tomorrow but i'm scared as hell. i'm trying to convince myself it's just a pinched nerve but it's so hard. i really hate living like this because i'm not even living at all.,Anxiety +35155,"Excited to find this community, I have a phobia of having a heart attack and dying. I am a 31 year old woman, and I have a fear of dying from a heart attack/stroke. Every time I have a back pain, arm pain, jaw pain, nausea or uncomfortable chest feelings I get worried it’s signs of a heart attack. I’ve talked to my GP about and she just told me I’m too young to worry about that, my bloodwork came back normal in October 2018. I haven’t had any deaths in my immediate family who have heart attacks but one of my grandfathers had a stroke and an uncle had some heart issue when he ended up getting a pace maker. I’ve eaten horrible since I was a kid and am trying to change my habits now (cutting out red meat, working out) but I feel like what if I’m too late? I mean I was that kid whose parents got them McDonald’s all the time. I’m not overweight, but I am at the high end of my normal BMI for my height. I just wish I could take a straight forward test to tell me if my arteries are getting close to getting clogged. I smoke marijuana too, and yes there are some times where it makes me more paranoid so I’m going to try to switch to an herbal vape. It feels good just to get this all out. ",Anxiety +35156,"Diabetics Ketoacidosis and Brain Cancer Hi I'm new here. I started having very mild health anxiety when I was younger but it recently increased the last few months. In December, I went to the ER due to chest pains because I was sure I was having a heart attack even though I was terrified. I went to the doctor and they said it was just acid reflux and they sent me home with a prescription. After that, I had to follow-up with my PCP and she told me there was an abnormality in my EKG (my second one) and referred me to a cardiologist to do an echocardiogram. That same week, I was worrying about every little ache and symptom that I've read about heart attacks and kept manifesting each one. It sucked because I didn't feel like it was all in my head and I kept freaking out. Mind you, I'm a college student away from home which made everything worse. Winter break came and I went home. I didn't feel any symptoms and I wasn't worried about my health anymore. Then I came back to school last month and my friend had a stroke. She's 19 so I was surprised at how young she was to be having a stroke. This event stirred up my past anxieties about my heart and I found myself checking my heart rate often throughout my day again. I would also google every possible heart condition that I could have that I wouldn't know of. The next week, I finally got my echocardiogram done and the doctor said it was completely normal which eased my mind at little bit. That same week, I had on and off nausea which I was sure was because of how anxious I was about my health. The next few days go by and I start having tension headaches (or so I think). They were on and off as well but it just hurt to the point where I was convinced I had brain cancer. With the nausea and the headaches, I just assumed. I tried to refrain from googling the symptoms because I knew it would elevate my worries but I couldn't resist. The last few days, I've been so worried about having brain cancer because I wouldn't be able to focus and some things were hard to remember, but there is no family history of any type of cancer so I kept trying to focus on that. Now, I am currently worrying that I have Diabetic Ketoacidosis. I have no family history of diabetes and I've never been told that I should watch out for it because I am 18, normal weight, and have been healthy. But lately, I've been stress eating because of how anxious I've been and food makes me feel a little better. However, I always feel guilty right after eating and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just don't know how to cope with this anymore and I have a doctor's appointment next week so hopefully she can ease my mind a bit more. ",Anxiety +35157,"what are the early symptoms of Colon cancer? (23 yrs old) (worried so much) My stomach has been having some problem for a month now, it started from a sharp sting pain in my upper middle abdomen I was checked for a possible of ulcer but turned out negative and took some ultrasound but everything is normal, I was given a Omeprazole and some antacid syrup (Aluminium hydroxide dried gel, Magnesium hydroxide) and it worked. I changed my diet, but after some time my upper left side of my abdomen begins to hurt every time I finished my food and it will go away if I release a gas or burp but moving to this week I feel suddenly feel a discomfort in my stomach ( I feel that it is filled with air) and every time I release a gas its turns ok then after a half an hour it will the discomfort will begin again. I started to search for some symptoms relating to what I'm experiencing and it kind of leads me to colon cancer though I'm not sure how to examine myself on bloody stool, and I haven't experience vomit nor nausea. + + +All the test was done on a clinic, I really want to do an endoscopy to make sure so I suggested to my parents to have it checked in a hospital since we have insurance even if we live in a different country but they told me to wait and have it checked in a hospital during my vacation to our home country which is 1st week of March but I can't wait that much because of the symptoms and its giving me some worries ",Anxiety +35158,"Should I take Prozac? Constant anxiety always. Like feel like I’m dying on a daily. Just don’t know if taking anxiety meds is worth it! Any success stories? +",Anxiety +35159,"The cycle starts again I'm diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but only this year have i experienced the terror of health anxiety. I went through a throat infection, which I of course thought was cancer at first, I spent hours rechecking and researching my symptoms, which started to completely take over my life. I couldn't go a second without a distraction. After the infection cleared up I was basically rid of my fears. + +Except a few days ago, I had an incredibly terrifying panic attack. I was just lying in bed and I had this faint pain in my left arm and for some reason my brain just short circuited, I jumped up, my heart started racing which led me to think I was having a heart attack. I genuinely thought I was going to die, I felt dizzy and for the first time I couldn't calm myself down. I was terrified so I went to see my mother and I just crawled into her arms like a 20 year old baby and after a few minutes everything went back to normal. And now I'm back in the cycle again. Asking myself ""what if that WASN'T a panic attack?"" and other completely illogical questions. I keep checking my heart beat, sometimes I get a spike of anxiety when I think it's too slow and same for when i believe it's too fast. + +I can't break out of this and it's taking over everything I'm so scared and so sick of living like this, does anyone have any advice on how to just make my brain chill for like just a second?",Anxiety +35160,"I’m probably crazy I used to have horrible HA, and for whatever reason it stopped, I think I was so busy that I didn’t have time to think about it. + +However I just went to get a routine std checkup and I kinda mentioned in passing that I’ve been itchy (everywhere not just crotch reason.) Keep in mind I’ve had dry skin my whole life and my parents said I used to always itch when I was a kid. So in passing the nurse decided to mention the potential for SCABIES, and like a switch my mind started racing. I knew very little about scabies and now I swear I have them. The areas of my body that tend to itch are my sides and crotch region, also my arms and shoulders. + +However through my frantic googling and recent discovery of this subreddit I now think it’s diabetes. I’m going to a derm on Tuesday to check for scabies even tho I now changed my mind on what it is. + +Keep In mind I didn’t think anything of it until this nurse said something! (She didn’t even check me out either to see.) + +",Anxiety +35161,"Intense bought of health anxiety for the first time in quite a while. I recently started on an SSRI and have been doing fairly well for the past few weeks; thoughts related to my health anxiety are present but I have been able to drive the worries away quickly. This morning was different. + +I had just woken up and was laying in bed when I had a random thought; my chest feels fairly still. Normally I'm very aware of my heartbeat--due to anxiety, I think. I place my hand over my chest and realize I can't feel my heartbeat. I check my wrist and I can't feel it, either. I immediately get sent into a panic attack and jump up and start pacing furiously, hand over my chest. Now, logically, I know that if my pulse has stopped, I wouldn't be able to jump up, pace around, etc.--however, I just can't shake that sense of impending doom. When pacing, I can feel my fluttering heartbeat, but now when I'm sitting down again I can't feel it. I made the mistake of looking up why I might not be able to feel my pulse and read that a weak pulse is considered a medical emergency, so now I'm absolutely paralyzed with fear. + +Has anyone had any experience with this? Am I in real danger, or is this my over-active brain sending me into a panic over nothing at all? + + ",Anxiety +35162,"Wearing a monitor for two weeks... any tips to take your mind off of it? My cardiologist has me wearing a small monitor for two weeks as my palpitations tend to be sporadic. Even though it’s small and just sticks to my chest, it’s been one day and it’s driving me nuts. I’m always aware that it’s there and that’s making my anxiety and, ironically, my palpitations worse just knowing it’s recording everything. Trying to sleep last night was awful so now I know my anxiety will be worse today. + +Has anyone worn one for awhile and do you have any tips for trying to take your mind off of it?",Anxiety +35163,"I think I am a textbook case of health anxiety. So, this all starts about 5 weeks ago. I had strange discomfort in my side's and went to the gp when they didn't seem to get better. She ordered a full blood work and also gave me a physical examination. Bloods came back completely fine with only a slightly elevated pancreas enzyme ( base is 100 mine was 107 ) and for some unknown reason to myself and to the doctor I convinced myself I had pancreatic cancer. Ever since the discomfort has shifted from my side's to the top of my abdomen and I obsess over every little niggle I feel. I'm constantly poking at my glands in my neck ( 5 years ago i also convinced myself I had lymphoma ) and now I'm checking every little thing my body does. They gave me CA19.9 blood test ( used to detect tumour growth in pancreatic cancer cases ) and mine was 6.1 ( normal health person is between 1-35 ) so that should have made me feel better, it didn't. They then sent for an ultrasound which showed everything looks exactly like it should. I've literally heard from 6 doctors now mostly at the accident and emergency department, they are 99.9% I don't have pancreatic cancer and that I probably have gastritis. So I'm getting a camera down my throat next month to test for that. + +No matter how many times they said I was ok I just keep thinking they're wrong. Something is wrong. I know my body and this doesn't feel right. I did loose some weight and my appetite went away but has since come back. So how they're throwing all these anti anxiety drugs my way: + +Diazapam - 10mg +Propanalol - 10mg +Olanzapine - 20mg, 10mg and 5mg ( depending how bad I feel at the time ) + +I'm not having restful sleeps constantly struggling to distract myself. + +I just want some advice. The kind of advice from someone who's been through this rabbit hole.... I just don't know what to do... + +I'm sorry if the post makes little sense I'm writing it on my phone and I'm not the most educated person in the world. + +I should also note I've been suffering from social anxiety since I was 10. + +Thank you for your time.",Anxiety +35164,"Scared of Pulmonary Embolism Hey guys, so the past few days or so I've been very worried about a PE. Today was especially bad, with a pain on the right side of my back below my shoulder that was like a pulsating pain with my heart beat. It went on throughout the day and aspirin didn't help, every time I made a small adjustment I'd get the pains. Then suddenly when I came home they went away, but about half an hour ago I felt a sharp pain on the left side of my back that felt like it also hurt in my chest. I've kind of been on edge since then and have been experiencing various sharp pains in my chest. I went to the doctor today and they took my blood pressure and pulse which were normal, and the doc listened to my heart yesterday and it was fine. Would these seem off if I did have a PE? Can anxiety cause these sharp pains, they don't feel like surface level pains",Anxiety +35165,"Heart Failure? Male 17 + +&#x200B; + +About 6 months ago i had my first panic attack. This was accompanied with palpitations and i was shaking very bad. I thought i was having a heart attack. I conitnued having these panic attacks but I understood that I wasn't having one heart attack every day so I tried convincing myself it was anxiety. I went to see a doctor after a while just to make sure nothing was wrong with me and I got a referal to the hospital to have a 24h EKG taken. I did and they noticed some ""extra-beats"". My heart rate was also pretty high for short periods during these 24 hours for unexplained reasons. I assume anxiety. I recently got another referal to a cardiologist and I am going to do a lot of different tests to make sure that nothing is wrong. I got the referal to the cardiologist 2 weeks ago but I haven't recieved a letter, phone call or anything. So who knows how long it will take? I recently started having a cough. It feels like theres some wet thing stuck in my throat and I clear my throat all the time. I can sometimes feel it in my lungs as well. This accompanied with shortness of breath. Now I have managed, thanks to the help of Dr. Google, to diagnose myself with Congestive Heart Failure. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I am starting to lose patience.",Anxiety +35166,"Underside of my jaw is more swollen on one side than the other? I'm so scared Hey guys, not sure what I'm looking for here. I'm home alone, don't have anyone to talk to and am freaking out. + +I don't know how to explain it but I'll do my best, so. Behind my chin underneath my jawline, one side is more swollen than the other when I tense my neck muscles. I first discovered it when I was prodding my neck, it's very pronounced when I tilt my head to the side. I tilted my head to the left, tensed my muscles and it felt like a huge mass under my jaw. I can feel a similar shape on the left side of my neck but it's nowhere near as big. It looks big in the mirror too. + +When I'm relaxed I can't feel anything. There is no pain and I haven't found any lumps, but I'm really starting to panic now. My mam comes back from holiday on Monday so I'll have her feel it. I don't want to go to the doctor because I just had a totally harmless cyst needlessly removed because I was convinced it was dangerous and I don't want him to think I'm hysterical (which I am, to be fair) + +I'm pretty sure it's always been like this, but I seem to be having a bad anxiety flare up. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm really going insane here!",Anxiety +35167,"Worried about diagnosis I've been having some issues with my heart for the last 4 years (I'm turning 19 this year). By that I mean I'm having symptoms like heart palpitations, shortness of breath, pain in my chest / left arm / back and dizziness. + +Every time I went to my cardiologist I was told I had mitral valve prolapse and that my symptoms were caused by anxiety. I wasn't given anything about my prolapse. However, the last time I went to my cardiologist she said that along with my MVP I also have a leakage on my pulmonary valve and a distention of the aorta in the Valsalva sinus (I'm actually trying to translate my doctor's note in English so there might be some mistakes). + +She said that I should avoid things like coffee and energy drinks and that I'm okay. She also said I must go for an exam every 2 years. She didn't really explain if my symptoms are solely from anxiety however. + +That's actually why I'm writing this post to see if those other conditions beside MVP mentioned in my doctor's note are serious because I can't get it out of my mind these days. I've lately been experiencing dizziness, shortness of breath, chest pain and heart palpitations and I can't figure out if these are caused by anxiety or something more serious.. I'm also worried about my aorta and the possibility of me having an aneurysm after reading the note.",Anxiety +35168,"Relatively new anxiety causing constant fear of testicular torsion Hey, so I know this sounds just ridiculous but ever since I learned about this happening I keep on thinking that it will happen to me. It's lost me sleep, I have lost appetite and I end up thinking about it way more often than I'd like to and I don't know how to stop. My anxiety has started relatively recently but it's been very strong and it's honestly been the most frustrating thing I've ever had to deal with. Any advice on either assuring myself that nothing is wrong or anything else?",Anxiety +35169,"Anxiety symptom ? Whenever I breathe in, I have this urge to cough. ",Anxiety +35170,"Certain foods spiking my symptoms? My body is usually filled with adrenaline most of the day, but my body seems to feel even more adrenaline spiked after eating certain foods. If I have a more bigger/greasy roast dinner then my heart rate seems to spike, and if I eat chocolate or sugary foods in general I get minor headaches and muscle tension. It's weird and very unsettling. Does anybody else have this type of thing?",Anxiety +35171,"Increasing exercise triggers HA? I’ve had anxiety for many years. I haven’t been on meds in a few years because I felt like I could manage it better. Up until now! + +Whenever I’m working out more regularly, my health anxiety flares up a thousand times. + +Please tell me I’m not alone! I thought exercise was supposed to help alleviate anxiety symptoms! + +",Anxiety +35172,"My leg gave out when I was a 1st grader. I'm not sure if I post in the right subreddit + +&#x200B; + +I suddenly recall being paralyzed when I was a 1st grader. + +Well, i remember that one morning I woke up, climbed down the bed, and flop, I was on the floor. I was thinking that ""well maybe i'm just sleepy"". And I couldn't stand up no matter how hard I tried. So I cried out really loud. I forget the detail but i was just a kid and not very heavy to begin with so my parents have to carry me to school. And yep I sat at my own seat all day and couldn't attend the school weekly meeting in the school yard. +My parents had to make me take the blood test. I remember crying and trying to crawl out of the hospital desperately like some injured soldier. +But no sequelae. It all ended after a week. I just wonder what the hell could happened to me that time.",Anxiety +35173,"Will my GP take my symptoms less seriously if they find out about my health anxiety? I’ve been really nervous to tell my doctor how I’ve been feeling because I think they will forever write off my symptoms to just being anxiety, which would make my anxiety worse... ",Anxiety +35174,"is anyone else chronically ill and has health anxiety? I have ehlers danlos syndrome, POTS and many other issues but also have health anxiety and sometimes the two get mixed up +Like I’m like is this this disorder or am I dying ",Anxiety +35175,Has anyone tried L Theanine? Just wondering if anyone here with health anxiety has tried L Theanine and if so did it seem to help at all? Looking to try and get off my anti depressants and try something more natural. If you have any other recommendations that’d be great too! ,Anxiety +35176,Worried about my chest & breathing Does anyone ever experience what feels like someone is pushing a clenched fist on the center of their chest? And when you breathe in it kinda wheezes? My doctor said it’s normal and it’s the vocal chords but idk that seems odd to me. I have such a pressure in my chest sometimes along with some dull or sharp pains. I try my hardest not to freak out when this happens but it’s so hard ,Anxiety +35177,"Throat ear stuff going on I’m having the worst day.. I’ve been having random symptoms that have triggered me in a huge way. + +I had a bad bout of colds for almost two months and when I finally recovered I felt like I had a grain of rice in the back of my throat. Now I’m prone to tonsil stones and noticed a bit come out but the feeling was still there. It almost feels as though one is lodged deep and I can’t get to it or see it. Additionally I’ve had some dull ear pain off and on. I went to urgent care and the doctor got out a tiny bit of something in the back of my throat but it didn’t resolve it completely. She said my throat looked healthy but I still worry she missed something. Today I made the stupid mistake of checking my throat for the billionth time and noticed a white patch In the back of my throat and went down a google spiral. I feel so anxious it’s hard to function. I have a little baby and he deserves better than what I’m giving him right now. I feel like a failure and yet I can’t break out of this vicious cycle. Has anyone else experienced these symptoms? I did make an ent appt and I’m scared shitless. ",Anxiety +35178,"Health anxiety is fucking expensive. HA is fucking expensive. Countless doctor visits, imaging tests, lab work, co-pays for urgent care and ER visits, paying for therapy and medications. Just this month I’ve spent over $1000 on imaging studies and co-pays, chasing a diagnosis and investigating symptoms even though there’s a 99.9% chance that I’m healthy. + +HA is fucking expensive, and that’s almost as stressful as the symptoms.",Anxiety +35179,"A story about my anxiety in the recent past, and issues i'm facing today (a little long) As my title says, I've been having an intense battle with anxiety lately. I have anxiety and depression that I was treating with Zoloft until the end of last February. I am a 21 year old male that lives in the Midwest. + +**1. Last Year** + +Around mid-june of last year, I had started to get some insomnia (the kind that wakes you up early), which I then blamed on the fact that my basement room is incomplete and family upstairs made a lot of noise. I also had brain fog, with all the complications that accompany it, which I had blamed on my lack of sleep. It sucked, but I decided I should wait for my mind to improve on their own. During this time, I had a slight, but long lasting, bit of anxiety about something unrelated. + +During this time, I decided to drink 30ml of Zzzquil before bed in order to help me go to sleep quicker, and I would sometimes take a sip of it if I had woken up too early. + +**2. A few months ago** + +I lived with everything until mid-December, in which I started to have pain in my testicles and prostate, as well as my upper back and in random parts of my body. Long story short, I started to get intense anxiety about possible cancer. In order to slightly control it, I stopped drinking coffee every day and quit smoking weed once a week. Eventually, I had an ultrasound and a CT scan done, which found nothing. The symptoms associated with my lower region faded a couple of days after. + +At some point along the way, I started having more symptoms, such as forgetfulness, possible confusion, numbness and tingling in my hands and feet, a feeling of dizziness or vertigo, a slight shaky feeling in my upper left arm, and what I can only describe as brain zaps. I also felt like my memory was getting a lot worse. These symptoms seemed to persist even on days when the anxiety seemed less bad. I made the mistake of googling my symptoms and good old brain cancer showed up. I pushed my doctor to give me an MRI, which later turned up nothing. + +**3. A few days ago** + +Over the time after I got the MRI results back, the anxiety seemed to come down from a constant 5-8 to a 2-3 (on a scale from 0-10), and while a couple of symptoms seemed to disappear over the next week and a half, I started to get new ones, such as random twitches and fasciculations in random, varying parts of my body (which I blamed on drinking coffee again) and trouble going to sleep/getting woken up in the middle of the night (which I blamed on weaning myself off of the Zzzquil I had mentioned before). When I started to go to sleep or wake up, I would also have thoughts that would make no sense. I still have these symptoms today, which is my motivation for writing this post. + +I confess I still worried about things like spinal cancer and whether or not anything was actually wrong with me (aside from the anxiety), so I made the same mistake of googling again last wednesday. This time, I came across brain prion diseases, specifically vCJD, which threw me in to another state of panic and anxiety, possibly even greater than the last couple. + +**4. Today and the future** + +This time, I'm worried that it might be the real deal, despite the hilariously low odds I have of actually having it. The worst part is, rationally I know I probably don't have what I'm so scared of. Luckily I had a doctor's appointment the next day after my latest googling mistake, and they set me up with a sort of behavioral counselor, as well as having me start on a different antidepressant. + +I guess what I'm seeking by writing this post is reassurance that I won't be a clinically insane mess of a human due to some brain issue in 6 months. I'm constantly auditing my environment, past experiences, and my own thoughts in order to make sure I'm not hallucinating or something (like when I woke up around a week ago in the middle of the night to the smell of something burning, which could have just been my heater) + +I just feel skeptical sometimes that ALL of the symptoms I'm feeling or have felt can be due to solely anxiety, when it's never been this bad before. + +The past few months have made me mentally tired, due to having to put up with the stress of daily life in addition to everything above. The insomnia and the anxiety have definitely taken a toll on me. I just hope it actually is just anxiety and nothing serious. + +",Anxiety +35180,"Posting to maybe calm my worries... So obviously I like most likely all of us here, suffer with abit of health anxiety. I'm just wondering if i'm being a hypochondriac when I think I'm dying because I have small bumps underneath my skin on my forearm that seem to run along my vein, are they normal? does everyone else have them? maybe you yourselves could check, and if you do, I guess I'm fine... or we're all doomed... (jk but seriously) ",Anxiety +35181,"Fell on ice and hit my head Basically like the title says, I was walking to the bus stop and I fell and hit my head pretty hard. Felt like I was gonna stay on the ground for a good bit. Didn't lose consciousness, I think, as I made it to the bus on time. I'll be home in around three hours but I'm terrified. Back then my vision was blurry and walking was a bit difficult. My balance is a bit better now but the blurry vision part still scares me. My head hurts. I took a few pain killers and wrote my mom, who told me to sleep and rest a bit but I'm terrified that maybe I need help asap and sleeping will just end with me passing out. Google, as always, never helps and I also think I might have like a small amount of internal bleeding or something. I'm struggling to stay calm. How should I go about this? Scared that this dumb concussion might be the end of me.",Anxiety +35182,"Shortness of breath whole day Have this feeling I cant breathe and struggles in inhaling air . Also searched the internet about it and they gave me lots of nasty disease like TB,anemia and Gi bleeding so i took some iron supplements to maybe replenish my iron. +; ( +Everytime I go to school and have this feeling it makes me think im about to die any minute.",Anxiety +35183,Health anxiety is a kind of OCD. The gold standard of treatment is ERP: expose to the anxiety without doing compulsions. Take it slowly and try to last longer and longer without giving in. Invite the discomfort and explore it.,Anxiety +35184,"Unorotected sex with gf I never did it without a condom before but last night me and my gf of 2 months did it without a condom, she doesnt show any symptoms of an std and she says shes been with 2 other partners and used condoms with one but the other was a long term relationshi so she didnt, what is the chance that i have HIV? And what about other stds?",Anxiety +35185,"Very small red lump underneath armpit Just a bit of a background I have always been very self conscious of my health from worrying about the smallest symptoms, to convincing myself I had ALS disease. Anyways, today after a good hour and a half workout I noticed right after a slight discomfort underneath my left armpit. I looked to check it out and there was a very small red bump that is somewhat tender to the touch. I don't know if this is just something minor like a pimple, cyst, etc. Keep in mind I stared to mysteriously break out on my face with two pimples just this morning which is quite rare. + +Or could it be a lymph node that has gone rouge. Everywhere else on my body seems normal just this one spot on my armpit. Ive been down this road before in the past, so im not freaking out about anything yet. Just wondering if anyone else in here has had something similar to this?",Anxiety +35186,"How can I function? Bit of background. I suffered with anxiety about 4 years ago. General stress induced anxiety and then it spiraled out of control. I convinced myself I had skin cancer and made my doctor check me all over. I am fine but was told to keep an eye on my moles. Ok. No changes in 4 years. Anxiety continued and I took medication for it. Since then I have returned to normality and no longer take meds. + +I have a smear test coming up soon and I don't know how I am going to cope between the test and the results. I know it is going to trigger my health anxiety and I do not know how I will function such as getting up and going to work. 4 years ago I was in such a bad place with my health anxiety I stayed in bed for weeks and was physically sick with worry. + +How can I cope while I wait for the results?",Anxiety +35187,"DAE get bruises that just pop up and you don't know where they came from? I noticed a big one today on the side of my elbow on my right arm, then a couple smaller ones on the front of my other arm, then a couple more on my right arm again.",Anxiety +35188,Trying to breathe I don’t know if anyone has seen my spazzy self posting about my anxious thoughts but I went to the lady doctor today to check out the itchiness. And she said everything looked normal. But why am I still worried. I need help. ,Anxiety +35189,"Anyone know much about alcohol? Ok so similar to a lot of people with anxiety I use alcohol at times to cope with anxiety. Bad I know, but medication didn't work for me. So I've been drinking a fair amount most nights but decided it's definitely time to cut down. + +I have been worried about cutting down in case of fatal withdrawal symptoms, however I haven't had a drink since Friday night and I think I feel fine? Is it possible that I could just have been enjoying alcohol rather than be addicted? I would still like to drink once a week if I could. ",Anxiety +35190,"Just feel so overwhelmed over ultrasound. Pleas talk to me. Long story short is that i went to the DRs to get routine bloodwork done after stressing for a month, i also had her check my thyroid and hormones because after having irregular periods and feeling anxious i figured that hormones had to be it. My blood work came back fine except my testosterone was high. I started having a work up done on my ovaries and kidneys to check for tumors. My friend is a nurse at the office i was at and had the ultrasound tech check my kidneys extra well even tho it wasn’t a dedicated test for them because she knew i was afraid of a adrenal tumor. The tech couldn’t find anything and said if there was something there she would of seen it...but that wasn’t good enough of a answer for me. + +I have to go back for a kidney bladder ultrasound and I’m spiraling out of control because i feel like THATS when they’re going to find something. I can’t take it. I feel like my life is unbelievably overwhelming now and I’m too scared to go back to have the ultrasound. Please...anybody. An ultrasound tech or nurse or anyone with a similar experience. Please help me. I don’t want to live like this. ",Anxiety +35191,"Scared of heart pumping problem My mom developed cardiomyopathy - inadequate pumping due to weakening of the heart muscle, when I was 8 or 9, I'm 21 now. +Since then she's been on medicines and her condition has improved significantly in last 12 years. +A few years ago I started having heart palpitations which were more noticeable after I did some exercise. I was af and my parents took me to the ER but they said it's just anxiety, but as my mom has this condition, I should get it checked out. +We went to the cardiologist the next day who ran some tests like ECG, Echo and bloodwork and everything came out normal. +After a few months I stopped noticing the symptoms, even while exercising. +I still get palpitations when I'm going through a phase of anxiety but rarely otherwise. + +Out of curiosity, I surfed the internet about cardiomyopathy and came to know that a person has 50% chance of inheriting the faulty gene from their affected parent and I'm really scared now. +The articles even mentioned that in some cases the first diagnosis comes to light when a family member dies suddenly, due to cardiac arrest. +I'm really scared now, of developing this disease now or in the near future and I don't really know what I can do about it. + +I want to mention one more thing that my mom's heart pumping has come back to normal but she still takes the medicine because a condition is a condition, so the prognosis is good in her case. ",Anxiety +35192,"Hearing loss At what point do I talk to my doctor about not being able to hear well. I've noticed more and more struggling to hear. Last time I asked she said I just had fluid in my ear and said it would be fine. It's been 6 months since then and I've switched doctors because of her being dismissive on other things. (Rolling eyes, laughing at me etc.) +I had the flu between then and now. And after the flu it seems like it had gotten a lot worse. And being in public with hearing issues is making my anxiety skyrocket. + +What really scares me even more is my mom had a tumor removed from her ear area that was causing hearing loss. + +What do I do? Can anyone comfort me? Is this a reason to go to the walk in or do i need to make a regular appointment? + +I would of talked to the doctor the 8th but I've had such horrible times with doctors I ended up cancelling because I was having such bad anxiety attacks. (I ordered pizza instead to calm myself, it didn't help) + +I'm not on any anxiety medication. Or anything but birth control. ",Anxiety +35193,"High blood pressure spike Does anyone else have high blood pressure? I can never tell if my high blood pressure causes my anxiety attacks or the other way around. I guess it’s not possible to know. + +I just ate fast food for the first time in a while, which seemingly cause my blood pressure to spike. My heart rate was up as if I was on a brisk walk for an hour, despite just sitting and doing deep breathing exercises. It was probably just all of the excess sodium but I just couldn’t calm myself back down for anything. + +I know that digestion in general will cause a higher heart rate but when my head starts to feel hot and tight like a balloon I just have a hard time shaking the idea that something bad is about to happen. + +Doing fine now, just thought I’d share in case anyone has a similar thing. “This too shall pass” + + +",Anxiety +35194,"Canker sore in back of my throat = Crohn's disease 19 y/o male, I had my first canker sore last summer near my tonsils and now I have another one. I have always had problems with my stomach, docs gastroscopied me in 2016 because I had nausea and heartburn almost 24/7. Biopsies and everything came back normal, never gotten colonoscopied though. In my mind these canker sores are a symptom of crohns disease and it must mean I have it. I just can't figure out any other explanation than that thanks to hypochondria. My stomach problems were pretty bad years ago and I thought I had colon cancer or something like that. Nowadays I feel a lot better but the thing is that if something comes up that might be a symptom of IBD/Crohns/Colon cancer I almost instantly think I have it.",Anxiety +35195,"Daily headaches... Anyone else deal with these. Can't stand it, I feel like my fucking head it going to pop. A lot of pressure behind my left eye and top of head. Multiple tests and blood work and everything comes back normal... ",Anxiety +35196,"Sore gland in neck for six days, feeling so down with this anxiety. Just need to vent. I've had this problem on and off for a while where it'll flare up for a few days and then go away for a while. I have no idea what triggers it. It's always the left side of my neck under my jaw. I'm assuming it's a lymph node, but I can't feel anything when I feel around in that area. But the pain is very localized to that one spot, when I press on it or turn my head it'll hurt right there. It also hurts when I swallow but not in a sore throat way, more like something is bumping against that inflammation and irritates it. + +I might go to the walk-in clinic today because I'm sick of worrying about it. I have no other symptoms besides a small headache between my eyebrows which started up about two days ago and has stayed pretty constant. It feels like a sinus headache but I don't have the other symptoms besides my typically slightly stuffy nose. + +Trying to stop obsessing over lymphoma since I know that causes painless nodes and swelling. I just hate that I'm having this for seemingly no reason. I'd feel BETTER if I had a cold because at least then I'd understand the pain came from that. + +God. I feel like I've had one thing after another for the past six months. ",Anxiety +35197,"Mid back pain anxiety About 3 months ago I woke up with a slight pain half way up my back in my spine and just off to the right of my spine. Felt like low grade stabbing pain. +Of course I immediately thought of the c word. Since then I have noticed the pain move around and change slightly. Now it is like an ache in my thoracic spine. I also get painful tight neck pain. And I still have ongoing low back pain with sciatica since about 18 months. +My physiotherapist says he doesn't think it is anything serious and to just train harder in the gym. +I have basically resigned myself to the fact that I am dying. +But on good days I think it is a vicious circle of stress and anxiety manifestation in my back. +Anyone else get these symptoms? +",Anxiety +35198,"Had a heart attack scare and now my anxiety is through the roof Hi! I posted this in r/anxiety as well but i thought id post here too, hope thats ok! + + +So on Friday night I was rushed to the emergency department because I was having severe chest pain to the point where I couldn't even talk, I was just crying. I didn't know what it could be and it didnt even cross my mind that it could be anything to do with my heart. The pain eased up after and hour and after around 6 hours when I finally got seen by a doctor the pain was non existent. + +I explained the issue to the doctor and he told me he wasn't really worried about me seeing as I'm an otherwise healthy 20 year old but he decided to run an ECG anyway. The ECG came back showing changes in my heart rhythm that mimicked that of a heart attack and so he decided to take some blood to check. After about 2 hours he came back to me telling me that the blood test came back negative and that I hadn't had a heart attack it was probably just a panic attack and that I could go home. + +Now it's a few days later and my brain wont stop going over the experience. I keep thinking something is wrong or that the doctor missed something. I keep getting chest pain and shortness of breath but my family are insisting it's anxiety after the whole experience. I dont know what to do I don't feel like myself at all and I dont want to go anywhere or do anything which is the complete opposite of how i usually am, and I've completely lost my appitite. I don't know how to shake the fact that this wasn't an actual heart attack and that I'm actually okay. I just feel completely broken and terrified. + +I'm sorry if this is a lot, or this is the wrong place I just felt like I had to write it down and maybe get some advice about what to do to make everything seem better. + +TL:DR - I had a heart attack scare and although results eventually came back saying I hadn't had a heart attack I can't stop thinking somethings terribly wrong. ",Anxiety +35199,"Weird vision Hey guys. I’ve had health anxiety for a while, but yesterday I’ve had a new experience which freaked me out. As I was getting ready for sleep, my vision suddenly changed. I was seeing colors and felt as though i opened my eyes underwater. There were areas in my vision that were blurry, and had lines on them. I tried to close my eyes but nothing changed. I fell asleep eventually and woke up an hour later with a headache. Went back to sleep and in the morning everything was fine. However, I’m on the edge because i’m scared it will happen again. Did it ever happen to you? Is it cause of concern? Thank you. I’m really freaked out right now",Anxiety +35200,Afraid of Tetanus On my way to the bathroom I stepped on an earring standing straight up. It went about 2/3 of the way into my foot. Now i'm freaking out about tetanus. I'm nervous that I won't be able to get any sleep. ,Anxiety +35201,"can someone tell me its really difficult to get diabetes? Hey, + +I have been very anxious about possibly having diabetes for a while now. I am a bit overweight and dont exercise often. My eyesight has been declining over the past years and my family has no history of diabetes. so there is nothing to be alarmed about. However i keep thinking i have it, every little sign makes me freak out. A few days ago I found some mold in my toilet and immediately assumed it was because of the glucose in my urine or something. + +Can someone please give me some positive assuration or facts about the odds of getting diabetes due to being overweight? I think if I get told that you dont just develop diabetes for no reason, my anxiety would decline a lot. ",Anxiety +35202,"Mucus in Stool and Anxiety Do you guys have white mucus in your stool? I'm very anxious and very often worry about my health. As the rest of you here, I ""survived"" numerous illnesses, diseases and I always worried about them without real reason. +In the last 2+ years I have some white mucus with every stool. Sometimes barely noticeable, sometimes more. Of course I'm freaking out and think about IBD, cancer and the worst possible outcome. However I don't have any other symptoms. No abdominal pain, no blood. I even don't fit into IBS, those guys have much more troubles than me. If this is IBD or cancer I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel well and would have more symptoms. I'm also one of those guys who afraid to be diagnosed thus I didn't visited a doctor yet. +I had periods when I managed to convict myself that I'm fine and during that periods I have very small amounts of mucus. But a few days ago it become more noticeable, then I started to examine my poops and freaked out. Of course now I have more and more of it. +I'm curious if this could be my anxiety only? Do you guys ever noticed mucus in your stool?",Anxiety +35203,"SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU ALL So i have been agorohobic and having panic attacks for 6 months now. I have SEVERE health anxiety and would LOVE TIPS. + +So basically I have chest pains (not in the heart area. It's like far left under breast. Sharp pain sometimes) I've had ekgs and blood tests and physicals. I cannot get over the fact something is wrong. Everyday. I'm afraid if I throw up I'm going to die. So being nauseous is my biggest fear + +I go to doctors every other week to get evaluated and I always get sent away. Sometimes I break down and just start to cry and say ""I can't die now. I'm so young. Please. I can't die. Help me. I don't want to die."" over and over again becuase my toe hurts. + +I'm in therapy and working on it. It's ptsd from a year ago when a client (I am a CNA) I worked with closely felt a little sick and got out of the car and threw up and died as I did cpr and he bled all over me. Then 2 weeks later my grandma died. Then 2 weeks later two friends died of random heart attacks. Healthy 20 year Old college students with no history of drugs or alcohol. One was found on her bathroom floor and they found out she had an unknown genetic heart condition. The other was eating with his girlfriend and on the way home said he felt a little sick to pull over. He threw up and died of a heart attack there. + +Basically I'm terrified I have a brain tumor and my physical symptoms of my panic attacks are severe. I can't speak. My throat closes and I gag. I get cold sweats and I can't even get up to pee or drink water. Every single tiny little ache or pain in my body I fixate on for the whole day and Google 50 symptoms a day. + +I take my spo2 10 times a day. Blood pressure 8 times a day and heart rate 15-30 times a day. I've never been diagnosed with any condition ever. I've never had high BP. My hr is 62. + +I'm 22 and terrified daily I will die any second and I'm working SOOOO hard to not live like this. But it feels like a million things to work on at once and my health anxiety doesn't get addressed as much. ",Anxiety +35204,"I was doing so well... But now, I’m writing this from the ER. I woke up this evening around 3am with some sharp stabbing pains in the back of my left knee. It lasted about 5-10 min, which was just long enough for me to convince myself it was something fatal. + +I used to be in the hospital every other week, but I’d been doing well over the last 3-4 months and hadn’t been once, until tonight. + +Every little thing doesn’t get me anymore, but I guess the “medium” sized ones still do :(",Anxiety +35205,"Anxiety or something serious? (MS worries) Hi, I’m here, again.. + +About one year ago I posted here about my MS worries. + +So here is my short story (longer in previous post): + +October 2017 +- nausea, dizziness, 14 days headache around right temple and behind eye, fatique, weak legs, twitching all around my body (eyelids, around mouth the most, tinnitus, burning sensations (especially in right foot) etc.. +Then I started googling which was the dumbest idea in my whole life.. +November 2017 +- sensation lost around left knee +- MRI of brain/spine (1,5T machine) (few very small and absolutely non specified white spots) +- SSEP, EEM, EEG, EYE exam, bloodworks for EVERYTHING (lyme, hiv, syphilis, ...) and EVERYTHING is okay.. + +Then the problems slowly went away, but sometimes I still have dizziness, nausea, eyepain, headaches, tinnitus for few seconds, burning and tingling sensations, weak legs..everything is on/off + +January 2019 +- follow up MRI of brain/spine (3T machine) and everything is same as previous MRI + +More than 10 doctors told me its nothing serious (no MS!!) and it can be psychosomatic.. +BUT +Im still conviced it could be something serious. + +What do u think? +Somebody with same problems? + +Thanks! M.",Anxiety +35206,Worried about glaucoma I have been worried about this on and off for about 8 months now. I have always had bad vision and it keeps getting worse. I’ve had eye exams every year and nothing about glaucoma was ever mentioned except for once when I was maybe 14 and they said they wanted to keep an eye on it but by the next appointment my eye was normal. The vision I my right eye has been getting worse and has just recently turned a bit red. I am 19 years old and studying to be a nurse but I cannot do that if I’m blind. Any thoughts about this? ,Anxiety +35207,"Have sore lymphnodes form infection in arm. Worried about sepsis I had a small pimple on the inside of my right arm come up last Thursday. The area started hurting and the lymphnodes on my armpit became tender. I went to a walk in clinic Monday and they drained the pimple and sent me out. I went back in today and they looked over the area and gave me antibiotics due to the lymphnodes still being tender and the pain radiating into my chest. + +I picked up the prescription and got home and realized I have the wrong prescription. So now my worry is that it will get a lot worse through the night and I’ll develop sepsis.",Anxiety +35208,"Insomnia driving me crazy I always had sleep issues but it has been getting worse since December. I was on trazodone 100mg for a year, all of the sudden it stopped working. Tried increasing my dose, didn't help. I was put on ambien, made me do weird stuff. Next, I tried Lunesta but it didn't work. Melatonin doesn't work, zzzquil/benadryl doesn't work. + +It takes me forever to fall asleep and I wake up 2 hours later, around the same time. Takes me a bit to fall back to sleep, just to wake up again. Last night I woke up around the same time but couldn't fall back to sleep. I'm worried something serious is causing my worsening insomnia, I read cancer causes insomnia and so can other diseases. + +Now I'm scared I have some type of cancer or other serious disease. Makes me think this is why nothing seems to help me and why my trazodone stopped working. This is only going to make my insomnia worse..",Anxiety +35209,"On/off throbbing pain same place on head for almost 3 weeks Let me preface by saying, this has been the most stressful time of my life (check my post history for an idea.) + +2 1/2 weeks ago, I got a dull throbbing pain on the back right of my head, directly behind my right eye. It comes and goes throughout the day, always in the same general area. I don’t believe the pain has increased, but because I am hyper aware of it, I’m stressing *badly*. + +My eyes seem to be sore as well, maybe a bit of light sensitivity. Don’t have insurance to go to a gp.... + + +Has anyone had this happen before? I’m worried of the obvious, tumor or something more sinister... + +My shoulders and back do feel very tense.",Anxiety +35210,"Going out on a limb here - anyone else have benign brain calcification? I used to work at a cancer hospital and had severe health anxiety about brain tumors. I went to several doctors, all of which said I was healthy. I finally worked up the courage to go to a neurologist and upon seeing how anxious I was, she gave me a brain MRI. + +It turns out that I had an incidental finding which was “benign brain calcification”. She said it is unremarkable and the rest was deemed “normal”. + +I had another CT a year later, and the size was unchanged. So that could indicate I’ve just had it my whole life and means nothing, and they pushed the next CT to 5 years away (which would be next year or the year after). They did say that if I’m having symptoms such as a headache (they gave no other symptoms), that we can schedule it sooner. + +I’m just terrified that it’s multiplying in my brain right now or something. I have terrible health anxiety and get horrible symptoms, especially with vision. I’m just nervous that it’s the calcification causing this and not my anxiety. + +Has anyone else had experience with this? Or any doctors that can give me some reassurance? I know I should just make an appointment with the neurologist, but she already thinks I’m crazy and told me to see a psychologist about my anxiety (which I do) lol. + +Thanks on advance! ",Anxiety +35211,"Stomach worries I've always suspected I had IBS but my symptoms wouldn't flare up enough for me to really consider it. Last week I was getting pregnancy scares because my stomach felt like it was moving. I quickly took a test and it was negative. +Then a couple days after I got a sore throat and stomach ache and sinus congestion. This has set me off big time, worst I have had it since 2015. My stomach aches after eating anything and I'm not popping that much. My tummy feels like I've done a hundred sit ups and I don't know whether it's my anxiety manifesting into physical feelings or my stomach is telling me something serious is up. +This is really starting to get to me and I'm so petrified of the the doctors, the thought that I should just go and get some reassurance is scaring me too. I comfort ate last night and that set my stomach off obviously. Erghh",Anxiety +35212,"Worried I could have contracted HIV at work I am a nurse who works in a doctor's office where we perform minor outpatient procedures for skin conditions. I was injecting a patient with local anesthetic (lidocaine) on the back. While injecting the lidocaine, all of the sudden a stream of liquid started squirting out of the cyst I was injecting, but only while I was injecting the anesthetic. It was clear liquid. It happened to squirt right on my mouth and lips. I was not wearing a mask at this point. I immediately wiped the area, and then went and told the physician who I work with, as I didn't know if it was just anesthetic that has come out, or was whatever the cyst was consisting of. He stated that he would be able to tell as soon as he got in there to remove it. He injected more anesthetic and he same stream of liquid came out of the same location. He assumed it was likely lidocaine (the medicine) coming out of a pore. + +I was surprisingly fine right after it happened, but now I am so concerned about any exposure to blood borne pathogens (hep c and hiv, as I am vaccinated against hep b). I am not sure if I was exposed to blood, as it was only whatever liquid it was that splashed onto my mouth. I am concerned because my lips were dry and slightly cracked, and I had a small (very small) cut as well. Being a medical professional myself, I understand how those diseases are spread, and I don't want to be unreasonable in my worry. There is just a part of me that wonders if there was blood mixed in with the fluid, as I was injecting anesthetic with a needle and there was some small amount of blood on his skin from previous pokes with the needle, and that the cracks/cut on my lips could have been exposed to any virus. The physician stated he would be glad to have the patient and myself tested if I am concerned, but he does not seem too concerned himself. I know there is also no difference in testing the patient at this point or waiting to get tested myself in a few weeks, as the outcome would be the same. I am simply wanting to hear if anyone has any thoughts and wanted to vent. + +As far as I know, the patient was healthy and not HIV or hep c +, though there is no way to be sure without a test. This is my first real exposure to any ""body fluids"" in my career, so I am very curious what others think or to get any advice on how to calm my mind. + +I am already planning to get myself tested in a few weeks once the typical ""window period"" of infection has passed. I know having the patient tested would be the easiest way for me to get quick results (and relief from anxiety) but I do not want to offend the patient, either. I am getting sick with worry! + +Thank you in advance to anyone who responds. I appreciate you listening. +",Anxiety +35213,"3 weeks of crazy medical symptoms and scared out of my mind Not sure where to even start. + +Around Christmas time I was drinking pretty heavily and abusing phenibut pretty bad. Once I returned back to work I slowly tapered everything down, but still had lingering vertigo and dizziness. I went to the occupational nurse and explained this to her so she sent me to the ER after seeing my blood pressure through the roof. + +EKG, chest x-ray and blood work all came back okay. Blood pressure a little on the high side but no big deal. + +A few days goes by and I'm noticing my eye is driving me nuts, like it's super dry and irritated. I keep checking it and it looks fine. Check it again and I notice my eyebrow is hanging lower than normal so I panic because I'm thinking stroke and go to the ER. Get halfway there and get this rush of a weird taste in my mouth and I suddenly feel super weak and out of it. My head feels like it's expanding and I can't string a sentence together and my neck and shoulder muscles feel like they're all as tense as they possibly can be. Ambulance takes me to the ER, get EKG, chest x-ray and blood work and they give me a xanax and send me home saying it was a panic attack. + +Next time I'm in the ER it's the same thing. I start noticing my neck muscles are super tense and my heart is pounding and I try to keep calm for as long as possible, but it doesn't go away so I go to the ER again. CT scan, blood work and a small dose of ativan and I'm fine. + +Third time I convince myself sudden proptosis. PANIC. Go to the ER again, same symptoms. My head feels like it's rushing with fluid, neck muscles are insanely tense and I'm freaking out. Checks my eye pressure and gives a quick exam and I'm fine. + +Go see my regular doc and I keep explaining to him it's not anxiety. Never had attacks like these in my life. Did the usual neurological tests when I explained fear of a stroke and it was all fine. He asked me to smile. Asked me to really smile. Explained to him my left arm had been feeling a little weaker than normal and my armpit felt almost numb or inflamed. So he ordered an MRI because he said it felt colder than the other. + +Came home and checked my smile in the mirror and noticed the right side of my face is pretty much paralyzed. I can barely smile, but I can close my eye. My eyebrow hangs lower than the left and my cheek sags a little. I called the ER doc and she said it's probably Bell's Palsy. Probably a ~3 week timeframe. + +So I'm terrified I have a tumor or MS or something. I did have a CT scan that came back clean. The only symptom I still have is the drooping on my face. I keep thinking my left arm feels weak, but I'm not even really sure. It's like the more I focus on it the worst it gets, but otherwise I don't really notice it. Maybe it feels mildly colder. + +Right now my balance is fine. I find my self falling asleep for a few seconds at a time randomly when I'm at my desk, but I sleep like shit because of anxiety. When I'm sitting down I get these weird feelings like someone's walking up the stairs, like you can feel it in your butt from the vibrations, but nothing's actually happening. My vision has been blurry for the past two years, but my eye doctor said it's nothing to be concerned about. + +I don't even know. My doctor is out until the beginning of March and all I want are my MRI results so I know what's going on. Are these panic attacks, is this just bell's palsy brought on my all of the stress of the past three weeks? + +I'm fucking terrified. Sorry for the rant. ",Anxiety +35214,"Should I see a neurologist? Worried about Brain Tumor? Hey everyone, + +I've been a bit worried about having a brain tumor in the past few days. Had some small headaches two weeks ago, usually when I had shitty sleep. Had some more bad headaches this past weekend, though I had shitty sleep. They came in the morning and then in the evening. Took some Ibuprofen and it went away, but kinda came in a dull ache when I was starting at the computer screen about two hours later. + +Ever since Monday, I have not had the headaches except sometimes in the morning when it is a dull kind of feeling, not really a pain. I dont wake up with them but then I start thinking about the headache and felt stressed and then it came on. Goes away after two hours and it hasnt come up again the past few days. I had one today and I took a tynelol and the pain went away after an hour. Also haven't had nausea, unless I had pizza pops or greasy food. No Seizures, though yesterday as I was sleeping, my right leg moved a bit but that was it. I dont know if thats a seizure. + +Not any cognitive problems. My speech and personality are fine but I have been on edge as I have been thinking and reading about Brain Tumors. Recently, with my memory, I am able to recall stuff fine but when I remind myself to do something after, I kept repeating to myself what I have to do because I read about someone who was worried he had a brain tumor and he kept forgetting stuff after 20 seconds. After this, I am worried I might be forgetting things. I did a memory recall test where I got over 84% in recalling images. Im not forgetting questions or anything of the sort, but I have been on edge recently. I am 21. + +I do have a cold, and had some pressure in my ears and nose that have gone away, but I am going to see the doctor. Do you think I should see a neurologist? What I am worried about is the headaches in the morning? They were bad this weekend, but got better and have not been painful. + +Generally, I found the headaches occured when I had bad sleep. I've been sleeping quite late, like at 2:30-2:50 and waking up at 9 or 10. I do move a lot when I sleep so I probably sleep past that. + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35215,"I choked on a grape and now I'm worried that it got into my lungs, does this sound possible? As stupid as this sounds, my anxiety is telling me that since I was eating a grape and laughed and coughed a bit, I inhaled the juice and my lungs are going to react. Should I worry? + +The long version is: I laughed while eating a grape and it caused me to cough, it was more coughing than I'm used to and it burned a bit, so I was worried that I didn't cough it out well enough. I'm feeling a little tired now (6hrs later) and short of breath and my mucus is that sickly yellow. I felt immediate pain an hour after it happened but I don't feel it anymore, but most of these might be health anxiety. I haven't coughed since it happened, which should tell me that nothing is wrong but I'm worried nonetheless. I spend most of my time worrying about this sort of thing and I realise it's bordering impossible to have it happen but I can't stop worrying. ",Anxiety +35216,"Sternum Popping and Pain I'm a 31/M. For the past 2-3 weeks my sternum has been audibly popping. Like my wife heard it the other night when we were eating dinner. At first there was no discomfort, but over the past few days pressure builds in the center of my chest causing discomfort. Then my sternum pops and the pain goes away, only to return minutes later. + +I went to the Dr yesterday and got an x-ray and and ECG which she said looked slightly abnormal compared to an ECG I had in 2014. She is sending me to a cardiologist. I don't know my x-ray results yet. My appointment with the cardiologist is Feb 25th. Seems so far away, and I keep thinking, what if I have a heart attack between now and then? I know it's not going to happen, but the fear keeps trying to creep in. The pain isn't terrible or dibilitating, but its enough to cause me anxiety. Im trying not to let it get the best of me but it's hard. Thanks for reading!",Anxiety +35217,"Hypochondria getting pretty bad So lately I’ll be watching something and then feel like I don’t understand it fully, or I’ll read something and it just won’t make sense to me. Is this because I’ve become too aware and I’m thinking too much when reading or watching a video? Can this really all be in my head. I’ve always been convinced I have some neurological issue and now I’m starting to think someone poisoned me to dumb me down on purpose. ",Anxiety +35218,"Worried about rabies [wound](https://i.imgur.com/J2rVQrn.jpg) + +https://i.imgur.com/J2rVQrn.jpg + +41/F + +5’9 + +192 lbs + +Caucasian + +Lower leg + +There was a skinny feral cat in my yard this evening. I have not seen him before. It was clear he was neutered a while ago. I happened to have just bought canned cat food and was bringing it inside when I saw him licking/biting a paper plate I had left out earlier that day to feed another feral cat. I opened a can of cat food and dumped it out. The offending cat was ravenous and ate a whole can in less than one minute. I fed him another can and he scarfed about half of it. Then he was happy and let me pet him. Afterward, he started cleaning himself. I began walking through my yard and he started to follow me. Then out of no where, he scratched and bit my leg through my work pants. It wasn’t super hard but when I came inside, I see it slightly broke my skin. I washed it with soap and water but now I’m worried about rabies exposure. I’ve attached a picture of the scratch/bite. Any input would be greatly appreciated as I don’t know I’m being anxious over nothing or if there is a real health threat here. ",Anxiety +35219,"I got innocently bit by a feral kitten trapped in my house, now I'm dying of course. Two feral kittens were eating food my family put out for them and our cat scared them, so they ran inside the house. In the process of trying to literally herd cats, one of them bit my knuckle while I tried fishing him out of the corner. I washed it with alcohol and soap for 10 minutes. + +After doing some Googling (!!!) I went to the ER two days later. I must have rabies! + +After explaining the situation, the nurses and doctor were very reassuring that I probably didn't need a rabies vaccine. They said it was ultimately up to me, but she said ""in my professional opinion, I wouldn't get it."" As it was expensive and insurance might not cover it. + +So I got a tetanus shot and antibiotics instead. + +Tetanus shot made me feel like trash and now I've had a the subtlest, mildest of headaches for three days. It's so light I'm not even certain I have one half the time. I'm hyper aware of every muscle twitch I have. When my hands get cold I panic thinking they're going numb. I check to make sure I can still swallow. + +Any day now the headache will get intense and I'll wake up to my hand being completely numb. Then I'll go back to the ER and they'll tell me there's nothing they can do because I'm dead meat. + +It happened on the 9th and all of the feral cats appear fine still. Mom and dad cat and three kittens. None rabid or dying. + +But I'm still dying. And constantly on alert about my body. Does my head hurt or am I making it hurt by thinking about it so damn much? + +To make it worse, I got taken off my Ativan ages ago because I switched doctors and the new one refuses to prescribe anything remotely addictive. + +Fml",Anxiety +35220,"Freaking out after blood test I had a blood test today, just a normal panel for checkup, and it seems the nurse blew my vein. The vein has been painful and swollen since and from googling it seems she blew it. Now I’m freaking out that it caused a blood clot or an air embolism or something else terrible ):",Anxiety +35221,"Heart attack scare - here’s what it actually was... I have GAD and I’m especially plagued by health anxiety. + +2 weeks ago I was spinning out, chest pains, shortness of breath, pains in arms you get the gist. I’m sure you all understand the downward spiral of HA. + +The weekend prior to that I went to an event and had purchased a new bra, turns out it was a wee bit ill fitting and I was uncomfortable in it but didn’t think much of it. + +Turns out ill fitting bras can mimic heart attack pains and my shoulders and arms hurt because the straps were too tight. + +I felt like a moron. Anyway, an entire week of worrying crying you name it. My bra ended up being too tight. Wow. ",Anxiety +35222,"Left arm & leg pain Hi all, last night my left arm & leg started aching and felt tingly. I fell asleep okay, but it started back up this morning. I’m trying not to be anxious about it, but I definitely am. 😔 + +I’ve had a tight neck the last few days, so I’m wondering if that has anything to do with this. Or maybe a vitamin deficiency? IDK but it’s stressing me out and if it keeps up I’ll probably head to doctor next week. Just hoping I’m able to keep a straight head and avoid the ER this weekend. Ughhhhh. Anyone dealt with something similar?",Anxiety +35223,"One time I thought I had lupus But instead I was diagnosed with tender breasts due to being a woman. + +At the urgent clinic no less, accompanied by my aunt who drove me there, at late af o'clock. + +At the time I had a sobbing meltdown in the parking lot. Not only did I still not know how I was dying, but I felt humiliated by having a sweet old nurse tell me, at 22 years old, that the achy lumps were tits not lymph nodes. + +Now though, it's kind of hilarious. And laughing at the ridiculous shit my brain comes up with is so cathartic. ",Anxiety +35224,"actual problems mixed with anxiety I have one legitimate issue that i will get an appointment for on monday (sadly, the weekend is inbetween). +My BPM, which usually is around 55-65, got higher and flip flops around a lot (it is between 80 and 100 now when i am sitting or lying down) and my bloodpressure similarly got a tad higher (not to worrying heights, it is below 140) and, what is worrying me, flip flops around a lot when i take several measurements (like going from 100 to 130 and back several times when i do not move and measure 10 times over the course of some minutes, even when i am sitting still and relaxed). + +This is an issue i legitimately think might have to do with my thyroids (no cancer fears about the thyroids, i think it might just be hyperactive and that makes sense because i am celiac and celiacs often have other autoimmune diseases, most commonly thyroid stuff). + +Now to what actually makes me scared and is probably nothing: + +Today, after a long time of it not happening (happened a lot before my celiac diagnosis), my whole body vibrated with my pulse (i could feel it everywhere, most importantly neck), my pulse was actually off (too high, above 100 even when sitting, sometimes going as far as near 120) and i felt pressure in my gutts and chest. The pressure was so bad that, depending on how i moved, it felt like organs press on organs and i felt sick. + +My neck was not only vibrating with my pulse, it also got very tensed (not some kind of stiffness that made it unable to move, but i felt like someone grabbed me just at the start of the back of my head and pressed his finger into it, shutting down the blood flow except for the very strong pulsations). + +I had these symptoms before (more or less) as i said, and I assume that it is Roemheld syndrome (a benign, but very scary kind of thing) because i know that my heart is fine. It got very thoroughly checked back then and it was fine in the months before, i could do sports, i am not feeling weak, i am not having syncopes). + +Roemheld syndrome means that you got so much pressure in your gutts due to air and food that it presses against your heart, chest and lungs so you experience very scary sensations, similar to angina pectoris, but it is not actually dangerous. Your heart rate is increased, your chest feels tight, you might have shortness of breath, but you are going to be fine once the pressure is gone. But that can take a long time and in that time you think you will die and you need to go to the ER. + +I had that today, the first time in almost a year and i was kinda broken that it came back. I thought i beat it, and then suddenly here i am, thinking i got a lung emboli, or my veins are shut down, or there is a tumor pressing on my heart or veins. Or i got a brain aneurysm because i also felt pulsations in my head and heard noises in my air (i dont think these are noises it usually makes when you got very high bp, since my bp is not actually that high and it was only one air AND i got a head MRT the year before and it was fine). + + +Now, i am very sure that roemheld is what caused this, because yesterday i drank a lot of booze and cola while eating and i had a bit of pressure before that to begin with, but the reason that i am still like 'ya, gonna die' is that i lost so much weight compared to last time. +I lost more than 10 kilo so there should be far more space for my innards. I am not overweight anymore. + +So, what my anxiety brain thinks is this: Back then, a tumor right behind my sternum, pressing on my heart. Ofc the pressure got better when i lost weight and stuff, but now it grew enough to make up for it and it presses again against my heart and no doctor will check for that (obviously the tumor is not visible via sono but NEEDS MRT or CT) and at some point it will just destroy my heart and I will die. Or my neck or bones presses on important veins and i will also die because the vein will burst (even tho i had an mrt of the neck (for legit reasons) just 2 months ago and while my neck had issues, noone said anything about veins). + +&#x200B; + +I am fine now because i drank a lot of herbal tea that helps with roemheld, but i am still here thinking about tumors and also thyroid cancer. + +As a bonus point, i think about it even being my own fault because i might have ingested gluten accidently (i probably didnt, but i live, for some time, with a non celiac so there is some chance there was contamination of my food, but he is careful and i am too, so it aint probable) and the gluten made the belly angry. + +I really hope this was a one time thing and i am not falling back into anxiety due to roemheld, i will be extra careful about food in the next days. + + +I will not eat today until the belly died down (and sadly my eating choice are limited due to celiac in any case, not a lot of good 'get healthy' food, at least not in my flat) and drink very much of the herbal tea. + +&#x200B; + +When i feel better, i will do some sit ups and push ops to try to straighten out my belly and i will massage my neck as much as i can. + +So far i am at least not predialing the medics anymore. +",Anxiety +35225,"Scared I have lymphoma I have extreme anxiety and this has been almost crippling. +I have 5 abnormal lymph nodes in my neck that are all over 1 cm in size. I’m getting a biopsy today for them and I’ve never been more scared in my life. +I don’t have really any other symptoms other than it’s sore in the area, headaches, stuffy nose, and sometimes it’s harder to swallow since my neck is so sore. +I’ve had the swollen lymph nodes for a month now with them gradually getting bigger. They can move around to the touch. +I had blood work done 3 weeks ago and it came back normal. But I’m still afraid I have cancer. +I don’t know how to stop assuming the worse. I can’t stop looking things up with the only results being lymphoma. ",Anxiety +35226,"Brain tumor anxiety Hey everyone, I'm new to this subreddit. I feel like recently I've been suffering from health anxiety. It suddenly came up out of nowhere. First I was convinced something was wrong with my heart, I started having lots of different symptoms and was truly convinced something was wrong. Got it all checked, and it turned out fine. Afterwards I still felt kinda sick, so I got a blood test done which came back clear. This was about 3 weeks ago. + +A bit later I started having these headaches, and my vision suddenly got worse (at least I got the impression). Now I don't know if this is purely because I started focusing on it, or that it actually is something bad. Anyway, I decided to go back to the doctor since I work in IT, and dealing with the vision thing and headaches was getting pretty hard. + +&#x200B; + +He checked me, asked lots of different things but he didn't seem quite sure about what it was. He sent me to an eye doctor, got my eyes checked there, and it turned out I need resting glasses for screen work ETC. (My eyes have been bad my entire life, had glasses since I was 3). I've also been having this visual snow, again I think I've had this for a long time, but it's like my mind suddenly seems to notice and freak out about it, same with things like my tinnitus which I've also had for years. + +&#x200B; + +I'm still just scared I may have a brain tumor, because of the bad vision and headaches. But, if I had a brain tumor, they would have seen it in the blood test from a few weeks back, right? Or no? The doctor or eye doctor would have rang the alarm bell if something was seriously wrong, right? + +&#x200B; + +Do you guys think I'm fine? It's just so horrible to deal with this, it truly affected my life lately. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35227,"Spine Anxiety Went in for a check up yesterday and a curvature in my spine was found, the doctor told me to get an X-Ray and I've been freaking out since and I can't sleep and skipped dinner because I'm too busy worrying and stressing. I think something might be seriously wrong and it's all downhill from here.",Anxiety +35228,"I've had such an awful month for my HA lol First, I was worried about my gallbladder because at the beginning of the month I was experiencing some nausea, acid reflux and other pains that seem to be associated with having gallstones. Thankfully my ultrasound looked normal, so I wasn't as worried anymore. Then, I was dealing with an upper respiratory infection and my symptoms lingered for so long that I thought I had strep--which, thankfully, I didn't. But I've been experiencing so many more stomach pains these past few weeks and last night I was awake for what felt like the worst acid reflux I've ever had!!! I'm still feeling it today :( I don't know if it's GERD, an ulcer, or could even be side effects from the birth control I'm using... but of course I think it's a million different horrible issues...",Anxiety +35229,Whenever I’m stressed the area by my anus hurts I’m afraid to go to the doctor. It only happens when I’m super stressed.,Anxiety +35230,"Upper Neck/ Spine Pain Anxiety So I've been diagnosed with GAD and I'm a senior in college so I've had unbelievably high stress and anxiety levels lately because of my impending graduation and uncertain future. Within the past few weeks I've developed this disturbing new symptom where whenever I start to feel anxious or stressed I get this weird pressure feeling in my neck, almost as if it is in my spine and someone is squeezing it. From there, my panic takes over and my heart begins to race, my stomach hurts and I feel nauseous, I get a tension headache, and I feel all wound up and ready to flee. My upper neck and shoulder muscles have been incredibly tight lately, so rationally I'm sure this spinal feeling is just a result of muscle tension and anxiety, as well as the crappy dorm mattress and my poor posture. However, I've convinced myself I have a brain tumor or am going to develop epilepsy or something. Dr. Google certainly didn't help because I Googled symptoms of a brain tumor and guess what, I have most of them! I just don't know what to do to calm myself down, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. ",Anxiety +35231,"Fears of ALS or other Motor Neuron Disease. Please help! M. 27 years. Type Two Diabetic - diet and medication controlled. History of chronic back pain, around T6-T7 vertebrae, unilateral up until a few months ago, now bilateral. + +For a few weeks I've had a light flickering that alternates in each eye. This is accompanied with occasional twitching, particularly in my right tricep, forearm and occasionally my hand. These occur any where between once and three to four times a day, and while strong are often brief. + +I am pretty sure that the symptoms started after a pulled muscle in the right side of my neck. I had some stiffness for a few hours one morning, before I turned my head suddenly, causing a shooting pain up that side of my neck and within a short time, a massive headache, (lasting about a day) followed by an inability to move my head properly for a few days. + +Smaller twitches occur up and down my legs, though I feel that may have to do with acute sensitivity due to how much anxiety this is causing me. And I have had a lot of lower back, hip and left leg pain that has come and gone for the last five or so years. + +Other symptoms that occur include pain and weakness in my pinky, shoulder and inner forearm that come and go. These symptoms are exacerbated when I am seated, at work and are particularly intense when I am at work, using a mouse, keyboard, or when my arm is crooked at an awkward angle for too long, such as using my phone. + +Logic tells me that all of this is caused by a combination environmental factors and anxiety, given that about 8 months ago, I made the transition from a standing job (various retail positions for about 8 years), to a desk job, and I've NEVER had great posture. + +My physio is confident that all of this is caused by compression of the Cervical spine, where he says there is obvious stiffness between the joints in some parts, particularly at the base of the skull. He also says the spindle especially likes to compensate, so pain in one area untreated can eventually lead to difficulties along the whole spine, and that after ten years of untreated pain, he isnt surprised by my symptoms. He and my GP suggest seeing a neurologist, but only if my symptoms persist. + +Sorry for the long post. This has really allowed me to catalogue and rationalise my thoughts. In all honesty, I am feeling as though this may be anxiety. An abnormal ultrasound showed possible cancer of the testicle this time last year, and I've been spiraling ever since... I also knew it was a bad idea to read Stephen Hawkings posthumous novel at a time I wa already so anxious, but alas, I did, and have suddenly started experiencing the twitching. + +Thanks for being there redditors. ",Anxiety +35232,"Bumps along my collarbone. Hello everyone! Recently I noticed that when I run my fingers along my collarbone it is slightly lumpy. Very small lumps, but they’re definitely there. Do you think I should be concerned or is this the case for other people? ",Anxiety +35233,"Heart palpitations gone crazy :-( I am freaking out right now, I’m due to take a flight tomorrow and I’m so scared I’ll drop down mid flight. I’ve had the worst week stress wise (had to have scans for blood clots as I got rushes to hospital with chest pain). The stupid thing is I literally had scans, ECGs and blood works days ago.... yet I’m freaking out. Since last night I’ve been having bad palpitations and ectopic beats (I do suffer with this) and I just want them to go away. They’re happening loads! Like multiple times in the hour and although they’re not that severe I just have had enough. Can someone just tell me this is just stress and anxiety from the week? Does anyone else get a big increase in these after or during stress? +Thanks all :-(",Anxiety +35234,"Racing heart rate after trip to ER for allergic reaction scare I went to the ER last night around 11pm for trouble breathing after eating something new. I do have food allergies but this item did not say it contained any of them. They treated me with an anti-nausea medicine, a bendryl and a steroid and sent me home. I ate some dinner and went to bed. I woke up about an hour ago to get ready to go somewhere and my heart was racing in the 140s, just from standing up. Sitting is 120s. I took some deep breaths and got it in the high 90s but if I stand up it shoots up again. It feels racing in my chest as well. Is this anxiety? Is this something from the steroids they gave me? I am freaking out right now. Should I go back to the ER? + +Female/26 +Taking: Zyrtec x2 +Ocella +Metoprolol +Singular +",Anxiety +35235,"Suddenly braked in my car to avoid running a stop sign, possible concussion? I must've been going around 30mph, came to a stop in about 15 feet. No symptoms other than mild soreness in my neck, upper back, and the back of my head. No one hit me and my head didn't hit anything inside the car, but I did lean forward then backward with the force of inertia. + +Is it possible for this sudden stop to cause brain damage?",Anxiety +35236,"Stomach pains So last month, I was really stressed because of college. I ate avocados the same day and got a stomach ache later. Today, I got stressed again and ate avocados and got a stomach ache later in the day again. It was just very sharp abdominal pain that lasted for an hour and then subdued when I laid on my right side. The thing is, I don’t know if it’s stress, avocados, or something more serious causing this. It’s absolutely not bowel related because I didn’t need to use the bathroom. If it’s avocados, that would be strange because I ate them for the past week but I was fine other than these two occasions. I’m scared to see a doctor because I don’t want to freak out my mom. Is there anyone with insight on what this might be? I’m still very young but last month my grandma had abdominal pain and found out it was colon cancer so I’m panicking and I’m dreading to see the doctor.",Anxiety +35237,"No, you aren't seeing signs of imminent death Yes, there has been an odd amount of posts on the front page recently that mention death + +Yes, the casual mentioning of the concept of death is very, very common in all forms of media and conversations + +No, the world is not sending you a message :)",Anxiety +35238,"Lower leg pain I thought I had my HA finally beat, no panic attacks, no crazy anxiety, not thinking I was going to drop dead. Life was great for about 2 months. Then Friday reality snapped back, I’ve been having this weird pressure under my left calf on the inside of my leg, It comes and goes, it doesn’t really hurt, no swelling, no redness, but my mind has convinced me that it’s a blood clot. I’m 25, in good shape and very active. It doesn’t make any sense. Like I said it doesn’t hurt at all, it’s just a weird pressure that last about 3-5 seconds every 5 minutes or so. I have no idea what it could be.",Anxiety +35239,"Looking for Coeliac/Celiacs to complete a survey Hey everyone, My name is Stephan and I'm from Sydney Australia. I'm doing some research on Coeliac Disease and I'm looking for help from people living with this condition (whether it's you or a member of your family). + +My research involves understanding the problem(s) Coeliacs face when travelling and eating-out. I've prepared a simple survey and need volunteers to complete it. The link: [https://goo.gl/forms/Lzoei7Adz2SekSGp2](https://goo.gl/forms/Lzoei7Adz2SekSGp2) and check out my facebook page called Xper Design + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35240,"Self diagnosis past 4 months I thought I would just list all the diseases/problems I've convinced myself I've had the past few months. Multiple trips to the Dr, multiple blood tests - everything coming back clear. + +Diabetes, HIV, throat/tongue/mouth cancer, MS, lupus, overactive thyroid and sjogrens syndrome. + +Yup, it's been a tough few months, I've lost so much sleep thinking about how I'm going to tell my friends and family, will I have to move back home to die? But I'm so young, this is so unfair? + +I'm still struggling, but for the past week I've stopped googling and honestly, it has helped. I still get the thoughts and worries, but by not googling they do not manifest in my mind as much. + +My doctor has diagnosed me with something though, and that something is anxiety. I think it's important to remember that anxiety does have LOADS of physical symptoms (over 100!) and can affect people in different ways. A website I find useful (I know, no googling but this is different, right) is; https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml + +I've been lurking on this sub for the past month or so, and can really relate to posts here on a daily basis. It's somewhat comforting to know you're not alone with these crazy thoughts. + +If anyone is struggling and wants someone to talk to, my DMs are open 😁 have a great week everybody. +Oh, and drink water.",Anxiety +35241,"Can't stop coughing! Hey everyone, I'm new to this subreddit but was wondering if anyone else has gone through this and had any advice. For about a year now (maybe longer?) I've had a dry cough. Like, I cough like crazy every day. When I go to the doctor, they say everything sounds fine, no liquid or anything. I even had them test me for asthma, and my breathing tests came back normal. At this point I'm pretty sure my coughing is just a nervous tick that stems from my health anxiety... which is pretty severe. I do get acid reflux and I have bad seasonal allergies, but neither of those things caused my cough before a year or so ago. I guess I'm kind of obsessed with making sure my lungs are clear, especially if water or something accidentally goes down the wrong pipe. When that happens, I cough nonstop, to the point where it hurts. Aside from being annoying and embarrassing, I find that I've been getting a lot more chest pain from time to time, and my throat hurts. So, does anyone else do this? Do you have an advice on stopping? I just really want to stop. + +Thanks!",Anxiety +35242,"If I had headaches that came on, but have now dissapeared, should I not be worried? Hi everyone, + +I had headaches last weekend that lasted for a few days. They were pretty bad, around the forehead area and came on in the mornings and evenings on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They pretty much went away from like Monday to Thursday, except for a dull feeling, but now that is gone as well. So should I be worried of something such as a brain tumor? I was diagnosed with an ear infection but I am taking antibiotics. + +I haven't really had any other issues. I have been stressed about my short term memory, but I am able to recall stuff well but I sometimes forgot about tasks I need to do. I do have ADHD so I believe this is the cause, but I tend to remember the tasks. I also have some moments where I am zoning out because I am thinking so much, but this only happens when I am in front of a computer and I am usually able to recognize that I am not paying attention and snap out of it, so I dont believe I am having seizures.",Anxiety +35243,Is it normal to have heart palpatations whe lying down? My heart is fine according to an ECG i had about 6 months ago but recently my heart has started palpatating when I lie down it's fine when I do anything else is this a normal thing to have with anxiety? ,Anxiety +35244,"Found a new app that helps me I found a new app that is helping me keep track of my health fears and then go back later and see if they were real or imagined. I can see my track record of “predicting” so I can tell myself “this fear has been wrong the last 6 times so it’s probably wrong now.” I can also list evidence for or against my fear so I can see proof that my fear is probably unfounded. It’s called Worry Watch. I don’t have any part of making or selling the app, it’s just one that I have liked using. I hope it helps someone else. ",Anxiety +35245,"I am going to share with you something that has always cheered me up and calmed me down whenever I get really anxious over my health So this sub only seems to really have posts from users describing their symptoms and trying to get diagnosed on Reddit, now if that helps you with your anxiety that's cool, however it can be counter intuitive as the whole googling and obsessing over symptoms is the actual problem we all came here to rid ourselves in the first place. So I honestly do believe we should move more away from ""I have x,y,z symptoms am I going to die?"" to ""How can I find peace of mind and stop googling"" + + +One thing I do to get peace of mind is watch this episode of [Hey Arnold](https://www.wco.tv/hey-arnold-season-2-episode-5-monkey-business-2) which is my all time favourite show (it's only the first episode in the video provided called 'monkey business' btw), I won't ruin it for you all, but it's really funny and will hit home for all of us, it highlights how silly we can be sometimes when we think we have a really bad illness and start obsessing over symptoms. Hopefully it can help you all in your journey in controlling your hypochondria like it has done for me. +",Anxiety +35246,"Chest/Back pain Hi guys +over the last week and a half I’ve been having constant pains in my chest and back. The pain moves around constantly, sometimes its only one side, then its only my spine. +Freaking out due to the location of the pain. could it be lung cancer or something like that?",Anxiety +35247,"Please help; Orthorexia, health anxiety, veganism and internet quacks Hi there, + +&#x200B; + +I experience health anxiety and orthorexia, I have a really unhealthy relationship with food and my health anxiety revolves extremely around food. However, I have spent so much money on tests and seeing doctos and am at my wits end. Every health test I have had through a legitimate NHS doctor, gastroenterologist and specialist I have been told I have nothing to stress about. I had a blood test for pernicious anemia, a full blood count test for everything, a stool test through the gastroenterologist. My worry now is that I have SIBO or some weird gut disease. I am also vegan. However, I am worried that I am being misled by internet quacks who want to sell fake or bullshit health tests, out of desperation a few weeks ago i bought and took an organic acids test and it cost £256, and the online nutrition coach who sells the test recommends I take a SIBO test so i can know if I have it, but im concerned ill just be given a false positive which will further amp up my health anxiety and orthorexia. I even spent £300 on a mercury tri-test because I was worried I had mercury poisoning from fillings - Which I now recognise as untrue and a very common case of health quackery. I spent £200 on 'viome' where you send a stool sample and its completely bogus. I dont know what to do, i'm obsessed with the idea that my anxiety is linked to my gut health even though I dont have any of the genuine symptoms of SIBO. I'm just sick of being obsesseed with my health and the food I eat. it had got to the point where I lost a stone and weighed 49-51kg as a 21 year old male at 5""6. + +&#x200B; + +If anyone can relate to this please feel free to reach out or give some advice. + +&#x200B; + +Thank you :) ",Anxiety +35248,"Been Feeling Feverish ++ Hello! For a while now, I've been feeling feverish, but whenever I go get my temperature checked, it always comes out as normal. Also, I've been having these cramps in my legs, arms and feet. They're not exactly in extreme pain, I guess, but I feel that there is something terribly wrong. Is there something wrong? Is it just my anxiety acting up again? + +++ I'm also worried about having a brain tumor, but then again, the only proof I have is having some sort of brain fog + I've been stumbling with my words and have trouble retrieving them. It might be my anxiety... Can't stop thinking about this. + +",Anxiety +35249,"Swollen lymph node in neck and groin for months Hello! + +So I’ve always had lymph nodes that I can feel easily. The two underneath my jaw swelled up when I was about 12 and remain enlarged now I’m 21. About a year ago I had felt a squishy node in my neck (it’s smaller than a grape) and also one of the same size in my groin region. They are moveable. O do not recall any reasons for them swelling up. + +I went to the DR in September who didn’t seem concerned about them, but told me to go back if they didn’t disappear in a few weeks. Of course they’re still here,and I chose not to go back to the DR as I had no other symptoms and thought the stress of having scans etc would do more harm than good. + +I’ve felt absolutely fine since the , the nodes haven’t increased in size. But I read a story about how lymph nodes should always go down, and now I’m scared I have lymphoma.This is giving me massive anxiety and symptoms :( + +I plan to ask the Dr tomorrow, but I think I just want some reassurance until then as I’m driving myself crazy! ",Anxiety +35250,"How to Live in the Moment and Stop Worrying by Changing Your Relationship With Anxiety Hi! + + +I recently found a book which really helped me change my relationship with my worries, being a chronic worrier for as long as I can think. I summarized it in an article that I published on my blog today, hoping that others can find value from the experiences I made. + + +You can find the article here: [https://consistentme.com/stop-worrying](https://consistentme.com/stop-worrying) + + +I would be very happy to receive feedback as well, so that I can learn better how to share valuable information with others. + + +Have a great Sunday! :)",Anxiety +35251,"Left Testiball is in pain. So, about a day ago my left testicle starts hurting. +I think alright, just don't touch it. +FFW to today and I discoved that it's: +Swollen +Skin's red around it +Painful to the touch + + +And I'm scared it's the Big C.",Anxiety +35252,"Tetanus phobia Ok so I’m sure people have asked about this before but I’m always scared about having tetanus even though I’m pretty sure I don’t have any reason to have it nor any symptoms but my dumb self hasn’t gotten a tetanus shot in over 10 years and as paranoid as I am you’d think I would have by now. + +Anyway I’m just curious that if I possibly did have it and didn’t get a shot in the past 72 hours am I basically just screwed? Like would it be too late?",Anxiety +35253,"Anyone ever have to wear a holter monitor? Thank god this thing isn't checking blood pressure or I would screwed... + +I've been having an increased awareness of my heart beat lately. Not necessarily palpitations, just like, I'm constantly aware of the blood closing through my body. Occasionally I feel a flutter in my throat. I asked my doctor about it and he asked if I wanted a 48-hour holter monitor just to be sure. Of course I said yes. + +The nurse who put the monitor on me said a lot of very terrifying things about how rare it is for her to see a monitor come back with normal results. She was a real Debbie Downer and it did not help my anxiety about this whole thing. + +So I figured I would ask y'all - have you ever had a holter monitor that came back with good results? +",Anxiety +35254,"Rabies Anxiety I touched an umbrella that had bats roosting on it 5 weeks ago today. Was doing it to take pictures for proper ID, they were Evening Bats. The second I left the neighbors house I was in full on panic mode, still am, despite being reassured by a bat expert (DNR), a doctor, and the top two rabies scientists (Health Dept) in the state. It's a scary disease, can't wait until the 8 weeks are gone since that seems to be in the window of hen stuff can start. I will say, I hate that I see so many others worrying about this in here, yet, in a way, it comforts me to know I am not the only one. ",Anxiety +35255,"Has anyone been cured of health anxiety? I’m getting to the point of where I’m just fed up with this. I know my anxiety is irrational yet I still can’t help but worry myself into a panic attack everytime I have the mildest of symptoms. Most of my health anxiety revolves around chest pains I get. I’ve seen countless doctors and specialists and they’re convinced it’s either musculoskeletal or anxiety related. Yet everytime I feel that mild ache in my chest that most people would probably ignore I feel convinced that this time its it. This time its really a heart attack or some other life threatening event. I’ve even bought myself a portable ekg monitor which I use almost every time I have my chest pain symptoms to calm myself down. Has anyone been cured of this? This health anxiety is relatively new for me. It started in October 2018 when I first started experiencing these mild chest pains, yet I have no significant risk factors for heart disease nor do any of the countless medical tests I’ve had done to me indicate I have heart disease yet its not enought to put my mind at ease. This is really starting to affect my life as I’m scared of going out and doing fun stuff thinking I’ll get a heart attack or something else and won’t get help in time. Will seeing a therapist or some other health professional help?",Anxiety +35256,"Anyone else get really bad feelings of impending doom without being scared of a specific illness? My health anxiety is weird in that I don't really fear any 'specific' illness. Instead I worry about dying of an unknown/undiagnosed condition. I worry specifically that my consciousness is about to end, that I'm beginning the process of passing out and I'm never going to wake up. + +I primarily get intense feelings of impending doom which leave me paralysed with fear, often unable to do anything but lie down in bed and close my eyes. In the past I used to go to the hospital a lot and beg the doctors not to let me die, but now I at least have the courage to just freak out at home. + +The impending feelings of doom are so intense they leave me shaking and feeling cold. Sometimes while huddled in bed in the midst of a panic attack I even involuntarily shake and yell out things to myself like ""Please I don't want to die"". Like the fear of death is so strong I actually blurt things out reflexively without being able to control it. + +This is happening to me basically every day now and leading me to spend increasing amounts of time just lying down at home. When I try and socialise I'm often distracted from the conversation by thoughts I'm about to die. I spend about 80% of my life fixated on these horrible thoughts aboht dying and about 10-20% of my life experiencing this intense feeling of doom. + +I need help. I don't want to live like this any more. + +Has anyone felt this way or been in a similar situation? Is there anything I should try to help myself?",Anxiety +35257,"Brain aneurisms Oh boy, a long time ago I saw a reddit comment on a totally unrelated sub and they explained how you can just have a brain aneurism at any time for not reason and die. I looked it up and apparently doctors don’t really know why they happen or how to stop them. I didn’t think much of it at the time but whenever I’m in a high stress situation, having an anxiety attack, or when I’m trying to fall asleep the thought comes into my head and it scares me so much. I feel like I’m trapped in my brain and it’s like a bomb can go off any second and I would just die. I read that eating red meat actually increases the chance of it happening (probably by a minuscule amount but anyways) so now I avoid red meat as much as possible. Big fucking yikes from me.",Anxiety +35258,"Ladies! Talk to me about your how your cycle affects your HA. I’m curious how many other women experience a spike in their anxiety around that time of the month. I’m a 39y/o mom of 5. I had a tubal about a year and a half ago. About a week before my period I get increasingly anxious, have regular panic attacks, and over analyze every bodily sensation. Most of it subsides within a few days of my period starting. I’m wondering if hormones being out of wack are causing anxiety. ",Anxiety +35259,"Intestinal worries Since the middle of January, I’ve been having the following symptoms: +Bloating, feeling of fullness and pain in rectum, lower back pain, thin stools (sometimes), white blobs of mucus with stool, feeling like I haven’t evacuated completely. I am making myself sick worrying about this, anyone have any input? I’m a 30, female, obese. I’ve always had health anxiety and I’ve googled the symptoms (I know, big mistake) and the fear of it being the C word is unbearable. I have a dr appt scheduled and had a CT scan last June which came back ok. ",Anxiety +35260,"Doctors appointment soon. Lots of anxiety I've had a crazy Year. Last year I got a tumor (benign) removed and ever since that whole situation my health anxiety has done the opposite of going away. I got stomach pains maybe one or two weeks before my surgery and it's around my lower abdomen. It got to the point where I went to the ER and they couldn't figure it out even after doing some urine exams. After a bit, it went away. Recently the pain has become chronic though for three weeks now and it feels like a stabbing pain in that area that'll come in waves and is paired with back pain. Cancer is the only thing on my mind especially now that I feel like I'm prone to tumors. I'm very scared. I feel like I'll die tomorrow and nobody would notice or care since they never ask if I'm doing okay even though I'm very obviously going through something and this includes the people closest to me. I can't think about anything else and I don't know what to do besides vent about it here. ",Anxiety +35261,"Doubling up on Ibuprofen and Aspirin/Acetaminophen? Well, I should start this by saying I have a history of headaches near the front and sides of my head(I'm not sure what exactly caused it and I'm considering seeing a doctor about it but that's not the point of this post), and yesterday I had one of these horrible headaches. I took 600mg of Ibuprofen for it and about 12 hours later 500 mg or Acetaminophen and Aspirin(Also 130 mg of Caffeine but I doubt that'd have an effect). + +&#x200B; + +Upon waking up today I had the same headache as yesterday and I took my medicine I take every morning which is too much to list but they don't interfere with either, but I also took the 500 mg or Acetaminophen and Aspirin. About 10 minutes later the headache was still horrible(It was so bad that I forgot I took the medicine) and I took 600mg of Ibuprofen. + +&#x200B; + +While I generally try not to double up(or triple up because Acetaminophen and Aspirin in one pill??) and generally limit myself to 400mg of Ibuprofen every 6 hours at least with some cases like yesterday and today where my headaches are generally bad, I will go up to 600 mg and possibly even 800 mg if the original 600 mg of Ibuprofen didn't work after an hour. I really try to avoid this because I've had some stomach issues when I take too much that will go away after taking a normal dose for a while. Even when just taking 200 mg of Ibuprofen I try not to take Aspirin at the same time but I forgot about it because that's just how much pain I was in. + +&#x200B; + +I most likely have a migraine and combined with sinuses and bad weather outside it can cause these headaches. Luckily the medicine has helped quite a bit but I know they can have side effects and shouldn't be taken together very often(especially in the doses I took them) + +&#x200B; + +The point of this post is I want to make sure I'm not in immediate danger of anything for taking 500mg of Acetaminophen and Aspirin with 600 mg of Ibuprofen at once(Not asking for the future, I don't plan on taking that much I just want to make sure I'm safe) + +&#x200B; + +TL;DR: + + I forgot I took 500 mg of Acetaminophen and Aspirin in 2 pills(same pain killer) because of my headache and just waking up and then took 600 mg of Ibuprofen about 10 minutes later and I just want to make sure I'm not at risk for doing this once. + +&#x200B; + +Don't plan on doubling up like this in the future and it was a mistake of me being in so much pain combined with being tired from just waking up.",Anxiety +35262,"New panic attack symptoms Hi guys , 28 male here, I have been suffering from anxiety most of my life. I had a panic disorder before ( 5 years ago ) that I treated with therapy. I also started using alcohol and it got me addicted. Now im sober but the panic attack have started to come back. It all started when trying to fall asleep I got jolts that would wake me up the moment I was entering a sleep state. + +Doctor as prescribed me 10mg lexapro and I have been on it for a week. I actually feel a little bit worse ? + +I also have bad pvcs ( heart palpitations ) and they are one of the worst offenders of my anxiety. +This morning I had one while driving and it snowball into a panic attack, I had a completely new symptoms : Burning sensation in my chest. + +Does anyone have ever feel that before ? I feel hopeless like I will never get my life back. It suck so much. Like im always dancing with death. + +Need support please :(",Anxiety +35263,"Mental Health Community for Men [https://www.reddit.com/r/TheMensCooperative/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TheMensCooperative/) + +&#x200B; + +I have started this community for men dealing with loneliness, depression, anxiety. I will be sharing services people can access and also building a group where people can just talk to others in the same situation. + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35264,"Freaking out itchy skin Hi, + +So, last night, my skin all over just started to itch, along with my scalp. It just was driving me nuts. I finally managed to sleep though. + +Today, not much has changed. I'm still just itchy all over. I took a shower and used tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner as I saw lots of flakes in my hair. I have checked throughly for lice and had my family members check for me. They said it didn't look like lice at all. So,I assume it is dandruff. + +My scalp is now a bit better, but it's still itchy and my skin is too. I'll be okay for a few minutes tjen back to itching. Itss driving me crazy and now I of course googled. It said itching skin can be a sign of liver or kidney disease. I'm now in a full blown panic attack. I don't know what to do.",Anxiety +35265,Upper middle back pain... worried it's cancer I have had extreme health anxiety for years. I have this new back pain that seems muscular. I workout and lift and recently started running again. I also have a fused c1-C2. I recently slept on a mattress on the floor for several nights which I wonder if that caused it? I'm paranoid this new pain is cancer .... ,Anxiety +35266,"Stressing about high blood pressure I went to the dentist today and they took my blood pressure and it was slightly high. Now Im so stressed about it because idk why or whats wrong or what to do. Its not insanely high, but enough to make me freak out. And Im sure all the stress is not helping me lower my blood pressure",Anxiety +35267,"stomach disease anxiety I had spicy chicken three days ago. The very next morning tummy ache started. Also had to go to bathroom for like three times. Took tablets from local pharmacy. I felt better by that evening. + + After two days of this happening, my stomach is stiff, feels like stuffed and looks bigger now. Like suddenly it got bigger like I have increased weight! + +Should I see a doctor? + +Please help! The anxiety of having some terrible disease is killing me.",Anxiety +35268,"Women of r/healthanxiety: hormonal birth control possibly causing pain in breast? Sorry if the flair is wrong. BUT okay so I’m (26F) on the pill and have been for nearly 4 years. I love it other than my anxiety has gotten worse since I’ve been on it, and a lot of what I have is health anxiety. + +So I have 21 active pills and 7 placebos. I usually always take my off week as having a period of some sort makes me feel normal (yes I know it’s not a real period, or at least it shouldn’t be if I’m not ovulating). I decided to skip my off week between my last pack and current pack, and I’ve been having some serious pain in my right breast. It’s mostly only if I touch it, and it’s always in the same spot. This has been going on for almost a week. Could it be because I skipped my placebos, or could it be something worse? I’ve been trying to do my self breast exams as often as I can and I haven’t noticed anything abnormal until now, but I also know that hormones can cause lumps that move around during a woman’s cycle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! ",Anxiety +35269,"CWD fears Apparently there is a disease in deer that affects the brain. It’s called Chronic Wasting Disease, or Zombie Deer Disease. They just did a study where monkeys got infected after eating deer meat, and now I’m freaking out because OF COURSE I just had deer meat from Virginia. I hate my brain and I wish I had just never heard of it.",Anxiety +35270,"2 Week Rule Hi everyone! + +I wanted to share something very helpful I learned from this subreddit. + +While browsing one day, I saw someone say that they wait to go to the doctor until they've been having symptoms for 2 weeks. I started thinking about that, and it has helped me sooo much to internalize it. + +Whenever I have a weird symptom (most days), I tell myself this: ""That's fine. Have something weird happen. I will go to the doctor in **two weeks** if it hasn't gotten any better. I will freak out then, but I'm not going to worry about it until it's time to book the appointment."" And believe it or not, symptoms almost always disappear within a day or two..... + +I really hope that will help some of you, too. + +We're all in this together, I hope you have a calm day. <3 + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35271,"Irrational Fear of Developing Food Allergies Has anyone ever felt that before? I’ve seen only one post online about it. + +Here’s the thing. When I first started having big anxiety attacks, I read one book and watched a series where a character dies from food (peanuts) allergy. I think I shouldn’t have seen those things, but it kind of stayed in my mind, and now I’m scared of eating anything that isn’t common for me. I would also see posts appearing on my social media about people suddenly developing allergies and it made me extra scared, even though I’m an adult with no allergies, and only one person in my family has it (my mom, shrimp). +It’s kind of ironic because my favorite chocolate is snickers too. + +I know it’s not logical, but it’s hard to get it out of my mind. Anyone else has it? Or has asked doctors about it?",Anxiety +35272,"Parenting with health anxiety. I don’t want my kids to be like me, I want them to live carefree and have fun. How the hell do I not freak out over every little cough, bump, or fall that happens with my kids? + +I constantly feel like I’m going to die or something bad will happen, but I don’t want to feel that way about my kids too. 😭 my son bumped his head today and I can’t stop obsessing over it even though he’s playing and acting completely normal. ",Anxiety +35273,"Shin splints persisting for more than a month, dont know if i should wait... + +Hey people. + +Back in december 8th, i had some ankle pain which came after sitting or sleeping, and went away after walking for a bit. This continued until around new years eve and went away. During that, i have been trying to get a faster 5k time, running 2 times a week at a moderate pace. Keeping at it, at january 16th, i ran significantly faster because i increased my cadence from 165 to 180, so i took 4 minues off my 5k. + +The day after, my shin started hurting, a dull ache on the upper 2/3 just outside my shinbone. The pain was very diffuse, and I still have trouble finding out if it is my bone or muscle hurting. However this pain came only when i stood for a long time, and at night. Running on it didnt really change the pain, however I was limping a little bit (a friend pointed it out, he didnt know about it). + +I stopped running on the 22nd january, hoping it would get better, However, the pain persisted. At the 31st of january, I called my doctor and asked for an appointment, she game me one at february 26th, which i think is a long time to wait with this ache, however since it didnt really hurt THAT bad, so i guess i could wait (pain is 3-4 out of 10). + +On february 2nd, i went skiing, and the pain subsided a littlebit, however it has been acompanied with a sharper, more localized pain an inch below my tibial tuberosity, and one to the left of it(PIC: [https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r](https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r)) . I dont know if this is because I have fallen a couple of times (I had many more bruises, but they disapeared 4-5 days after coming home). I came home on the 10th of february, and My pain still persists, i have tried the RICE method, and stretching, nothing works. + +At the point im typing this, I havent run for a long time, and its been 10 days since ive been skiing. The pain has increased this week, and today it is on an all time high. I can still walk, and bike, but it is starting to intefere even more, and the ankle pain has come back too. I to have my legs up for as long time as possible, the last days i have rested 10 hours minimum in the daytime, practicing RICE. + +Should I call my doc to get an earlier appointment? I called her today to ask for advice, based on this story, she assumed it was shin splints and told me to stretch. + +What do you think it is? +I may add that i am a hypochondriac, and somewhere inside me keeps telling me it could be bone cancer, and I really hate that, so I try to stay optimistic, and think about the rarity of it, albeit I am on strong Immunosuppressants. The thought of it being cancer and just assuming it is something else makes me extremely anxious. + +TL;DR: Dull shin pain began after running pb (15th jan), stopped running about a week after, pain persisted, and after 8 days of skiing (1st feb-9th feb), has gotten accompanied by a sharp pain in the bone. (Pic of location: [https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r](https://imgur.com/jNpPV1r)) from friday it started getting worse. I have an appointment on the 26th feb, should i call for an earlier? I am afraid this is more serious than a shin splint, maybe a stress fracture, maybe bone cancer... + +sorry for the long post, i just think a more detailed description helps. I really hope you can help. Thanks for reading. :)",Anxiety +35274,"Concussion anxiety I am 16 and I've had a repetitive head injury that let to a concussion 2 years ago. Since then I have been paranoid of every bump to my head, I know the only way to really tell are the symptoms. I still have symptoms and eyestrain. What should I do",Anxiety +35275,"Can’t handle this feeling I found a small black dot under my big toe nail. Like a sharpie dot. I googled and it could be a very rare but serious form of skin cancer. If it grows out, it’s just a blood blister. If not, it could be skin cancer. I don’t recall stubbing my toe. I’m 28, Caucasian but not super fair haired/eyed/skin. +Ugh, I can’t wait to see if it grows out. But I also feel ridiculous going to the doctor for a black dot. +I wake up in the mornings with the sickening thought that I have skin cancer and it ruins my day. My stomach is gurgled and in knots and I’m convinced the cancer has spread. +The only reason I think I’ve got this intense health anxiety now is because my mom got diagnosed a few months ago with breast and she felt fine :/ the lump was found during a routine mammogram, it was so tiny still even she didn’t know it was there.",Anxiety +35276,Neck tension Is giving me new reason to worry. 2 days now. Could it be coz I started doing some weight lifting? Just in our backyard. You know just looking for some reassurance. U all know the drill :),Anxiety +35277,"Should I be worried about my swollen lymph node I’ve had a slightly swollen lymph node on the right side of my neck under my chin for a week. Doesn’t hurt and hasnt increased in size. I also don’t feel sick which is actually what worries me because I was looking up my symptoms (I know, bad idea) and all my symptoms pointed to lymphoma. I just got blood work done less than two weeks ago though for something else and everything looked normal. Should I go to a doctor anyway or does this just happen sometimes? I’ve been touching it a lot so I’m not sure if I’m irritating it ",Anxiety +35278,"Does anyone else fear they will constantly get food poisoning? I’m a food lover and certainly don’t hold back on eating new things. But over the past year, my health anxiety has grown to have a newfound paranoia...whenever I cook, I’m scared I will undercook things like chicken, fish, beef, etc. It’s not taking over my life or anything, but my boyfriend thinks I’ve become a total hypochondriac! + +Does anyone else have this? I have health anxiety generally and am frequently scarred I’ll get the flu, etc. But food poisoning is a new one....perhaps it’s because I’ve had some bad bouts of illness over the past few years after travelling. How do you get over this unnecessary anxiety?",Anxiety +35279,"Kinda embarrassing I have a terrible cold and my ears are fully blocked and I can hardly hear anything and its making me panic. Any tips on how to unblock ears? I've tried all of googles tips but they don't work. + +It's embarrassing that a common cold is making me panic lol but my anxiety has been on 11 recently + +I guess its slightly good because the panic clears my nose completely but the ears are freaking me out a bit",Anxiety +35280,Don't check today's trending subreddits I did and my own morbid curiosity wound up setting off my health anxiety. Save yourself the trouble and steer clear.,Anxiety +35281,"Stiff neck and head aches, worried this could be be bacterial meningitis after ear infection? About 6 days ago I started getting strange head aches. I felt a sudden, short sharp pain on the left side of my head which was followed by extreme warmth and a panic attack. Since then I've had sharp head pain come randomly for a couple seconds, then go. It's usually on the left middle side of my head, but sometimes happens on the right. I've also been having bouts of pain in the back of the head as well. I haven't needed to take medicine for this as the pain comes randomly and isn't painful enough to need relief. + +&#x200B; + + From the first day this happened I also had stiff shoulders and neck. I assumed this was because of anxiety/ that the headaches were from stress/ muscle strain. Today the neck pain got so bad I needed advil. It feels very stiff and over the course of the last hour it's gotten significantly worse. The advil hasn't kicked in yet even though i took it 30 mins ago. I'm really worried this could be bacterial meningitis? I got an ear infection a couple days before the initial headaches. I was prescribed antibiotics for it, but did not take them because the infection got better after a couple more days. Any advice is greatly appreciated.",Anxiety +35282,Anyone get so anxious they feel like they might have a stroke Jesus sometimes i get so anxious that i feel as though something's just gonna tick in my brain and ill be a vegetable forever,Anxiety +35283,"Worried about colon cancer Around Christmas time I started having upper abdominal pain, it lasted a few weeks and eventually turned into loose stools every morning. The abdominal pain got better but the loose stools kept up until about the first week of February. I think it lasted about 5 weeks total. I haven’t had any since then except for one last Saturday morning, and a bit of constipation last week. This all started after a couple of really bad weeks of eating and sleeping. A lot of overtime work and I ate a lot of garbage food like pizza and chocolate. + +I now feel kinda gassy sometimes but I think the rest is closer to normal now.... Also.. about 4 weeks ago I went to the washroom and saw a couple of bright spots of red on the toilet paper that went away after a few wipes. I have gone to my family doctor and I did an ultrasound and all was fine. Despite that I’m convinced I might have colon cancer after reading online and despite my family history of colon issues my doctor doesn’t want to do a colonoscopy. + +I dunno what to do.... ",Anxiety +35284,Tetanus from a staple I stapled my finger last week with my stapler at my desk at my office. It bled a tad and I immediately went into freak out mode. I called my Dr who said to go get a tetanus shot since my last one was 2012. I went to a local urgent care and got the shot. I am so freaked out I have tetanus even though it had not been 10 years since my last shot and I went to get a booster. Health anxiety is the absolute worst.,Anxiety +35285,"Am I breathing too shallow at night? I’m a 21 year old cmale. 6’1 180lbs. I decided to audio record myself sleeping at night (yeah, I know).. Throughout almost the enitre night I breathe like this [https://vocaroo.com/i/s0JU51arONE6](https://vocaroo.com/i/s0JU51arONE6). It sounds like I'm sighing, and I feel like I might be breathing too fast and shallow, I don't breathe like this during the day. + +Could it be a sign of something wrong, or is this normal?",Anxiety +35286,"Antibacterial tissues I got the flu so I’ve been using anti bacterial tissues. However, every time I use them it feels like I’m breathing in/tasting them? Is it bad to like swallow this stuff and is it possible to have a bad reaction from these tissues?? + +I ask because it’s almost 6 am and I can’t sleep cause my body is feeling super weird :/ ",Anxiety +35287,Why do people assume Im pretty sure I have cancer. Im not anxious about it. Ive already accepted it. So why should I post here if I'm curious if anyone else knew they had cancer before they got diagnosed?,Anxiety +35288,"Mold was growing by my bed for months it seems I’m worried... Today I noticed a black blotch sticking from the side of my bed today, so I lifted my mattress and discovered black like mold and mildew. I’m super worried because that would mean I been exposed to it for awhile and I’m worried I may have any possible brain damage from it. I immediately destroyed it with bleach but I’m worried I have long term effects from exposure please help ",Anxiety +35289,My feet/lower legs are always getting this burning itch and now my palms are doing the same... My bloodwork came back saying i’m fine but i’m scared somehow they missed it or something got messed up and i have diabetes or they’ll never find whatever the cause is and i’ll just continue to itch and burn and be uncomfortable forever,Anxiety +35290,"HA Hopelessness I have had health related anxiety issues for the past 5 months, and just when they seem to be getting better and I have a solid week, it all comes crashing down again. + +At the beginning I was convinced that I was going to have a heart attack, then it was a pulmonary embolism, and now I think I have some kind of emphysema or lung cancer (I used to smoke and it haunts me). I can't make it stop, and it seems like once I handle one issue and a doctor clears me, my brain just latches onto another new thing and starts a new cycle of tracking symptoms, googling and doctors appointments. Like jesus fucking christ, enough already! It makes me feel so hopeless and sad, I don't want to go through this every day. It's like my own personal hell loop, because I feel like I can't trust my own brain to make rational decisions about anything. + +How do you all cope with the hopelessness and feeling of being trapped in your own head all the time? At this point the general anxiety about having HA is almost as bad as the HA itself. ",Anxiety +35291,"Painful, hard lump behind ear.... Mastoiditis? I have this painful, hard lump on my mastoid process (that hard bone that's right behind the ear) on only my right side. I literally just noticed it about an hour ago. It's tender to the touch and now I can feel dull pain in that spot without touching it. I have no idea if it's been there all day, I didn't notice it at all. + +The closest thing I can find that it could be is mastoiditis. I have no other symptoms other than the fact that I noticed my hearing was slightly worse than my right ear a couple of times in today (before I noticed the bump). + +I'm extremely scared and I don't have any support, everyone around me writes things off as nothing. I keep reading things about needing antibiotics through an IV but I can't find very many people talking about mastoiditis... and obviously I don't even know if that's what it is exactly. + +has anyone heard of this or dealt with it??",Anxiety +35292,"Heart palpitations I’ve been pestering this sub with my worries about palpitations for the last two weeks because they haven’t stopped since. +However, I’ve been taking magnesium pills and it seems they helped a bit. I still have them but a bit less frequently. +Have anyone experienced this? Is it related or it’s just coincidence? I’ve been pestering this sub with my worries about palpitations for the last two weeks because they haven’t stopped since. +However, I’ve been taking magnesium pills and it seems they helped a bit. I still have them but a bit less frequently. +Have anyone experienced this? Is it related or it’s just coincidence? ",Anxiety +35293,For real products that contain real health benefits. For real products that contain real health benefits. Try justpureorganic.com They have great prices and quality products. They do have CBD in all the products listed with CBD. They are also a small veteran owned company with low overhead and supply to a lot of veterans in the Phoenix metro area. Which is the reason for the low prices.,Anxiety +35294,"Worried about liver and jaundice, history of drinking. In my late 20s. Used to drink alot in my early 20s and by mid twenties to now cut down drinking alot. + +Last year have a liver panel done and everything came back perfect. However I still drink about 2 beers every day sometimes 3 and just recently I swear I've been seeing a slight yellow discoloration. In the corners of my eyes and underneath the eye lids. However the yellow tint appears around the small red vessels in the whites of my eyes. Idk if I'm seeing things or if my chronicaly dry eyes is to blame + +Can 2-3 beers a day destroy my liver in a years time? And if my eyes are yellow wouldn't my skin be too?",Anxiety +35295,symptoms at the same time everyday? 2 hours after I wake up....nausea strikes. After another 3 hours I start to feel off balance like walking on a boat & faint feeling. I have this every damn day.Im so tired.....,Anxiety +35296,"Health Anxiety / Phobias I had posted this in the general anxiety sub, someone pointed me to this sub in the comments so I'm cross-posting here: + +I'm new here. I've suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, but it took an existential crisis for me to seek treatment about 10 years ago. I've been medicated ever since. The meds definitely help me feel more ""normal"", but I'm never 100% without anxiety. It's still always there. + +I have some chronic health problems, and after suffering for years (see a pattern here?) I have finally gotten up the nerve to try to figure out what is wrong. For years I've told myself my symptoms are just anxiety related (IBS, body pain, fatigue, extreme migraines, etc.) It has now gotten to the point where I'm sick more often than not, I'm missing a lot of work and I'm not able to be a good mother or wife. I'm spending most of my time in the fetal position in bed. I'm in pain all of the time, sometimes so severe I can barely move. I'm losing weight without trying. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. + +The problem is, I am really freaked out by doctors and all the associated medical tests/procedures. I have a GP who handles my anxiety meds, and I see her regularly, but I am awful at getting tests done and awful at seeing specialists .... even though I know logically that I need to go do these things to find out what is wrong with me so I can get better. + +In a moment of bravery, I made myself appointments with all of the specialists I've been told to see over the years... gastroenterologist, neurologist, rheumatologist, dentist and oral surgeon. I've gone to a couple of the appts and of course all of them want me to get tests done or bloodwork done. I feel paralyzed when I think about getting those things done. For example, I have orders for bloodwork. I just have to walk into the lab and let them draw blood.... super easy and no big deal. I have driven myself there 5 times in the last week and been unable to force myself to walk through the door to get it done. I break out in a sweat, panic, and get back in the car and leave. Then I spend the rest of the day hating myself for it. Feeling like an idiot because I didn't get it done. + +My GI doctor also ordered an ultrasound, which I forced myself to do (I've had two kids and knew US were easy, so this didn't freak me out as much). However, she called me back to tell me that my US results are abnormal and that they might need to do a biopsy... so of course now I am absolutely freaking out. + +Does anyone else have this problem? I feel paralyzed and terrified over the simplest things and hate myself for it. I need to stop being such a coward and get this stuff done so I can figure out why I am so sick and try to fix it. ",Anxiety +35297,"How to resist the tentation to search for symptoms on the internet? My counselor told me that all this searching on the internet to reassure myself it's only feeding my anxiety. She actually described this circle with a metaphor of a drug addict's addiction. So I'm trying to resist my impulses to look up for symptoms and I find it so hard, I spend 8+ hours in front of a computer for work and it's just so tempting to open a Google search which will lead me to WebMD to autodiagnose myself with MS, RA or some other nasty stuff. Any advice?",Anxiety +35298,"Falling/dropping sensation multiple times a day. Anxiety? Hi there. I'm anxious about this kind of new ""symptom"" I'm having right now... Its like a falling or dropping sensation, mostly when I'm sitting but sometimes happens to me while I walk around. I can feel it during less than a second, it feels like when you use an elevator to go up or down in a building (you know, HAT feeling you have when the elevetor starts to move). Anyone can relate? It's really strange, but I don't even move when it happens, it's just some kind of ""sensation"".",Anxiety +35299,"Mono nightmare Towards the beginning of 2019 I began feeling something weird in my throat, as if a ball of mucus was stuck there. I thought it was allergies but never took any allergy medication. Fast forward to 1 week ago where I'm following a terrible flipped sleep schedule going to sleep at 10am and waking up at 6pm. I woke up at 4pm one day and was so tired that I ended up falling asleep at 10pm. After getting 9 hours of sleep I still remained tired throughout the day. I assumed it was due to my sudden shift in sleep schedules but the daytime fatigue continued. Eventually, I scheduled a physical exam to see what was going on, all while assuming the absolute worst case scenario. The doctor brought up mono as a possibility but I didn't think much of it. + +&#x200B; + +Again fast forward to today, I receive a call from the doctor saying that my bloodwork came back positive for mono. I was shocked. But for some reason, I've been having a heart/chest pain that pops up for a few seconds at different times throughout the day and almost as it were to perfectly coincide with my diagnosis. Now there are some complications with mono such as heart inflammation however they are said to be quite rare. My hypochondria is immediately assuming that I am one of those rare cases and have developed a viral heart disease. Does anyone have an experience similar to this with mono? I would love to hear about it. ",Anxiety +35300,"Does anyone else have a consistent fear of being allergic to nuts even after repeatedly consuming them? I’m sitting at work eating a bag of nuts alone and thinking about how when I go into anaphylactic shock for my undiagnosed nut allergy no one will be able to take me to the emergency room. I KNOW I’m not allergic to nuts, I eat foods with nuts regularly, but does anyone else have this insanely annoying fear???",Anxiety +35301,"Does anyone have shaking/rigid muscle movements? Like, the motion isn't ""smooth?"" It's hard to describe, but say if you raise your arm up and come back down, it isn't in one continuous motion. It's shaky almost? Right now I have it in every muscle and it worries me.",Anxiety +35302,"I’ve been managing my health anxiety pretty well! .....until today So, I’m on 150mg of Zoloft daily, along with Lamictal (not certain about the dosage). Today, I was taking my daily pills but I accidentally took an extra pill, which I guess would mean I took 250mg. My mom called the pharmacist who said I should be fine but to look out for fainting. Ironically, I felt lightheaded just seconds after realizing I’d taken more than the prescribed dose. So I’m guessing that was anxiety because no pill affects you that fast (as far as I’m aware). + +But, technically, it still is an overdose, but a small one. Whenever I drink water, it feels weird on my throat and there’s a tickle in my throat (though that could be a mix of allergies and anxiety). And when I got up at first I felt dizzy. + +I looked it up and it says that 200mg is usually the max dosage. I took 50mg more. I’m afraid to sleep or anything. This happened around 5 hours ago. If I’d overdosed on a fatal level, would I have exhibited severe and obvious symptoms by now? I’m just so paranoid now ",Anxiety +35303,"Night sweats for 2 years To keep it short, I have PTSD, agoraphobia, depression and anxiety (specially health anxiety). + +I started a new round of antidepressants 2 years and I got really bad night sweats. I figured it was because of of the meds but they didn’t work for me and I stopped about 6 months later but the night sweats NEVER went away... My partner complains that my body gets really hot at night and I wake up drenched in sweat a couple times a week. Someone said yesterday that might be a symptom of something really bad and Im freaking out, its driving me crazy. + +Should I run to my doctor? ",Anxiety +35304,"Can’t get comfortable I always feel like maybe the next thing I have planned for the day might make me feel a little better, but it hardly ever does. I spend my days restless and not having a flu or anything but just a general sense of not feeling well. Plenty of time at the doctor’s and just running out of ideas. Feeling yucky and worried I’m gonna die or pass out anywhere I go. Any tips for these yucky feelings?",Anxiety +35305,"Woke up with cold sweats Hi everyone, so last night I went out with friends to the bar and had half a drink because I had to be at work by 7:30 this morning. We didn't get home until 12:30 and so that made me anxious knowing I wouldn't get the best sleep. I woke up multiple times through out the night and just shaking and when I woke up for the day, I was drenched in a cold sweat. I've gone to bed anxious like this before but I've never woken up like this before. Is this normal?? I was a bit nauseous and dizzy as well. ",Anxiety +35306,"What triggers your palpitations and what do they feel like? So I’ve been dealing with intermittent palpitations for the past 6 months or so. I haven’t had an EKG done yet just because I’m in between doctors and my psychiatrist (MD not therapist) said she wasn’t worried about them and thought they were fine when I told her about them. +From what she told me and what I’ve learned, I think I’ve been feeling ectopic beats. For me, it feels kind of like my stomach drops- like when you’re in an elevator going down. I can also feel like the air is pushed out of my lungs and I feel a super faint little tap in my chest, then my heartbeat goes back to normal. I sometimes feel adrenaline and lightheadedness right when it first happens, but I’m not sure if that’s a physical response to the palpitation or if it’s my anxiety reacting. I’ve never felt a run of any, it’s always just a single missed beat that I feel (when they’re bad I get 3-5 per day at most). I’ve been trying really hard to figure out what triggers them for me, and it seems to be correlated with breathing variance, stress, and posture. For instance, I feel them most often if I’m talking quickly and run low on breath and then take in a quick breath. I also feel them sometimes when bending over or bending backward. Also, if I’ve been sitting down and then stand up and stretch I can feel a tightness in my whole chest area and my heart will beat slow and hard and I can feel an ectopic if I move too quickly or breathe weird during this. I wanted to know if anyone else has these same triggers, and if not then what are they and how do the palps feel? I’m working on not worrying so much about mine, but it’s comforting to know other people experience similar things. ",Anxiety +35307,"Avoiding doctor office calls and scheduling appointments I am at a point where I’m just too tired and bogged down to keep making more appointments. I have a genetics referral, cardiology referral, hematology referral, psychiatry referral and a referral to a specialty functional movement disorder clinic 12 hours away. I have 3 different doctors offices calling me a day trying to get ahold of me. I get emails saying “Answer your phone! Your results are abnormal! You need to call us.” I know they are abnormal, I have eyes, I can read. I’m just too tired right now. On top of the doctors I have debt collections from surgeries out the wazoo calling all day. I just hide from my phone on my room, probably getting sicker. I just can’t mentally and physically keep up with the constant anxiety and trips everywhere. Im afraid of reaching out to these people too, since they are angry and frustrated with me for being difficult to contact. Everything about it makes me want to panic and crawl in a hole. But one panic attack leaves me so tired I’m bedridden for a couple days. Ugh. Any advice on appointment and call feat or just listening is/has been appreciated. Thank you all.",Anxiety +35308,"Heart palpitations and pain in chest So, i have heart palpitations constantly, sharp pain in my chest, high heart rate, and A LOT of anxiety. I went to the doctor and did an ekg and checked out as healthy. I hate that i cant shake the feeling that something is seriously wrong with me. Ive had anxiety for about 7 years but havent had to battle with it this much since i was about 17. Anybody have any helpful types on relieving the anxiety? I meditate, take medicine, and sometimes CBD. ",Anxiety +35309,"Can looking at screens too much permanently damage your eyesight? I know this seems ironic since I'm looking at a screen while typing this, but I've been concerned for a while that staring at my computer and phone screen too much could be permanently damaging my eyesight. I don't notice any changes as far as being able to read words from far away or my vision being blurry, but I do notice that I now see auras and halos around lights, such as headlights, when I'm driving, and I'm not sure if that's normal. Is there any evidence that looking at screens too much can permanently damage your eyesight?",Anxiety +35310,"So annoyed with myself...health anxiety resurgence Hey guys + +So annoyed with myself, even though I guess it isn’t really my fault, I used to have pretty bad health anxiety a few years ago. It started to subside somewhat after I got a scan done after I felt a lump, it was just a cyst. Right around that time I was also immigrating from the UK to the US so my life got super busy and the health anxiety virtually went away. I’ve been in the US for almost two years now and haven’t really had any ‘big’ health worries since I got the scan done in England years ago...until this week. My wife passed onto me, I guess some sort of virus, and I had flu like symptoms - of course, a lymph node on my neck has swollen - as is pretty topical with stuff like that - and I’m now convinced I have lymphoma. 0 to 60 in about a week, unbelievable. This time feels different though, when this sort of stuff happened in the past my rational thought was completely obscured to the point where any logical or rational thought would immediately be dismissed in favor of the worst case scenario, but this time I’m well aware how irrational I’m being, and I’m well aware that it’s most likely just due to this infection. But I’m still worrying. I made the mistake of Googling it, and although Google does say that with cancerous lumps in the neck they’re typically immovable, mine is movable, I’m still panicking!",Anxiety +35311,Sharp pain in head About 8 mins ago I was just sitting down eating and felt a sudden sharp pain in my head. Lasted only about three seconds but I got up and started walking around about to panic. Always afraid of aneurysms and strokes. Would this be a sign of one? ,Anxiety +35312,"Health anxiety that has lead to panic disorder My health anxiety has led to panic disorder, my panic attacks are almost daily now honestly. Me health anxiety has gotten worse over the course of college, I used to get sick or feel something and go on about my day and not care too much. But now if I even get a cough or cold I think I have lung cancer or something, lately I’ve been short of breath anytime I try and do anything, night just all be in my head but it makes me wanna just lay in bed. I’m an active person, I lift 5-6x a week, been taking some time off here and there because of the anxiety and panic attacks. I noticed whenever I see something like a friend being diagnosed with pulmonary embolism that I’ll look it up and then think I have it, or feel a normal bodily sensation and get fixated on it and make everything worse until I’m in panic mode. I would have to say the worst thing is being dizzy, I feel like I’m constantly dizzy most places leaving my house and it makes me uncomfortable and fear I’ll pass out although this wouldn’t happen bc my BP is normal at those times or high if anything. I’d just like to know other health anxiety worries of people, fears, panic attack stories, what you’ve done to cope? Because I have a lexapro prescription but not sure about it yet. Thanks!",Anxiety +35313,Does anyone else here suffer from immense fear of skin cancer? It's a terrible feeling. I've been suffering for about a year now. I've been to my derm about 5 times and my GP 3 times. I'm freaking out about a freckle near the top of my butt bc it looks a little red around it sometimes. I know they don't want to see me again. I just want to be able to go on with my life. I know it's good to be checking my skin but I check mine over 10 times a day. This is the 7th freckle/mole I've been fixated on. I just want to stop worrying like I do.,Anxiety +35314,"Anxiety the cause of fatigue and other symptoms? Hey guys! Normally I try to avoid seeking reassurance as much as possible, but right now I’m just too scared, so I feel the need to share. It’s quite a lot, so please bear with me. + +I’m a guy who has experienced all kinds of vague symptoms for about one and a half year. It all started when I experienced dizziness and nausea while exercising, which was strange because I was a young and sporty guy. I then started experiencing the following symptoms on a daily basis: + +- chest pains/palpitations +- dizziness/feeling off-balance +- feeling like I can’t take a full breath +- loss of appetite, felt sick after one bite of food +- feeling like I would pass out (without actually passing out) +- worsening of symptoms in heat/cold +- nervousness, anxiety, panic attacks + +I am especially worried about my heart and have had several ECG’s, 5 day Holter, 2 stress tests and an echocardiogram. Apart from PAC’s/PVC’s, which my cardiologist says are benign, nothing bad was found. The diagnosis was hypochondria/anxiety. On the one hand it sounds believable to me, as I have experienced social anxiety and body dysmorphia in the past. On the other hand, I can’t accept that it’s just anxiety because of the severity of the symptoms. Almost a year of therapy have not improved the symptoms much either. + +I don’t experience full-blown panic attacks or chest pains as often as I used to. Instead I have been getting more palpitations and heavy fatigue. The fatigue is a relatively new symptom that started 4 months ago, and it scares me the most. I usually have energy in the morning, but from around 12 the fatigue sets in, preventing me from doing anything. When I googled it, I found out fatigue is linked to heart disease, making me even more anxious. My doctor says that it is due to adrenal fatigue and lack of activity, which finally leads to my question... + +Can such heavy fatigue really be caused by anxiety or a lack of activity (I am scared to exercise and don’t leave the house much)? Is it possible that I’m just experiencing some kind of burn-out from being anxious for a over a year? I find it so hard to believe, since I’m also tired on days that I’m seemingly not anxious. + +Thanks for bearing with my long story! + +Cheers! + + + +",Anxiety +35315,How and when did your health anxiety start? What was your trigger?,Anxiety +35316,"I feel like I'm going to die I (26F) started a new birth control two days ago. It's a combination pill. I haven't been on birth control for about 6 years. I decided to try this because my doctor says that I have PMDD. It's day two and I seriously feel so manic and disassociated from myself. + +I've had a constant headache. And feeling of nausea. Do I keep taking it or can I stop? Because I literally feel like hell right now. This is why I stopped taking birth control in the first place. ",Anxiety +35317,"Can health anxiety cause real symptoms? Hi, firstly I wanna say that I am a 20 year old male and I think I have developed severe health anxiety in the last 4 months, I woke up one morning with an awful left back ache spreading to my chest, left shoulder and arm. +Went to hospital they told me it’s a muscle cramp gave me naproxen and told me to go see a physio if it doesn’t get any better. + +I wasn’t getting any better after few weeks I started feeling really shit had fever, dizziness, blurry vision, body aches, awful stomach cramps, bloating, chills, sweats and back ache. +Went to the doctors got an ultrasound done and was diagnosed with a kidney infection had antibiotics for a week and they told me it’s clear after a check up. + +At this stage I was still getting daily stomach cramps and tightness especially in the left side of stomach, hip and shoulder, dizzy spells and blurry vision. + +After weeks of not caring the symptoms have improved now I only get tightness in left side of stomach/back and light bloating, sometimes it spreads to the hip or to the shoulder and I sometimes get dizzy spells but all the other symptoms are going. + +I wanna say that I constantly worry about the symptoms as it is there everyday and I haven’t been eating enough because of it all. I’ve done so many tests at my doctors as well as few scans and everything comes up clear and they say I’m healthy although I feel shit. + +Do you think I have developed health anxiety over this due to constant stress and worry and this is what causes the feeling of tightness and bloating that I get everyday? + +Has anyone experienced any physical symptoms similar to this due to health anxiety and constant worry or stress? ",Anxiety +35318,"I thought I was crazy and alone I’ve suffered from hypercondria for years due to paranoia from almost dying when I was a baby and I thought I was completely crazy. Staying up to ungodly hours, worried about every little thing, thinking the world was foreshadowing my death, etc. + +I was (still kind of am) angry and annoyed at myself and forced myself to suffer in silence because I was being unreasonable. But. Like. There are other people like me. I’m not trapped in my own mind, or if I am, I’m not alone here. + +I’m literally crying with happiness I can’t explain it. ",Anxiety +35319,"Freaked out about possible asbestos exposure My husband and I spent the weekend removing all the old wallpaper in our house. It was quite the chore and took hours of tearing and scraping. Afterward, I’m sitting here and I look up old 70s wallpaper just for the heck of it and discover that asbestos wallpaper was a thing in the 70s. Most vinyl wallpaper contained asbestos. And now we are almost certainly going to die of mesothelioma. ",Anxiety +35320,"Weird angioedema that the doctors can't diagnose Yeah, they say it could be because of colds. The thing is, it usually comes in the right side of my face, when I have had a cols. I have however all the time this weird ""feeling"" in my lip and eyelid. It's like small bugs or something running around. I am so afraid it is ALS or something. This is ruining my life. ",Anxiety +35321,"First Anxiety/Panic attack Intense shaking. Didnt think i'd wake up. I had one last night after an intense game of overwatch, i was mowing people down as ashe and had some messed thoughts so my heart starting pounding very very fast like a heart attack and i instantly thought that. I got off to lay down it wouldnt stop, it kept going for a while and then it felt like my heart was drowning in its own blood and my chest was warm. I started shaking intensely. Family said everything was alright but all their comments flew over my head. I layed in bed and just eventually passed out. Scariest thing ive ever felt so far. I'm a healthy 21 year old. ",Anxiety +35322,"Has anyone had similar lymph node experiences? Hi all, I’ve managed to completely convince myself I’ve got some sort of lymphoma. + +Basically about 3 months ago I noticed my right tonsil had swelled up and the lymph node connected to it under my ear had as well and is hard. + +I saw my GP and they weren’t too concerned and referred me to an ENT. My ENT appointment is in 2 weeks. + +I’ve got myself worried to death that I must have lymphoma. So I’m wondering if anyone else has had any similar experiences with swollen lymph nodes / tonsils, and what it turned out to be? + +Thanks all. ",Anxiety +35323,"Health anxiety about Multiple Sclerosis? For the past year i have had neurological symptoms that lead me to googling then becoming fixated on MS. I started getting muscle twitches all over and on my mouth particularly, then a tingling/buzzing heel of my left foot, muscle soreness on my arms, tingling tip of nose and scalp, various shooting pains and horrible neck pain. This was all on and off. My foot has been “buzzing” for months and months on and off. I had cancer when I was younger and my doctors think I just have health anxiety, or neuropathy from old chemo (which is uncommon) anyways i got a new doctor and she scared me more because she told me “it doesnt sound like full blown MS but i can do some tests” basically even though she said it didnt sound like it, she still didnt rule it out. that was enough to scare me into a spiraling panic. I google my symptoms every day, read up On MS and i’m fully convinced i have it. I even posted on the MS forum here but now I wonder if it could all just be anxiety. I’m terrified. I’ve been obsessing over this for a year now. I haven’t had any debilitating symptoms like numbess or pins and needles or vision loss. I got a full eye exam and they said my eyes were 100 percent healthy. Not sure what I should do at this point",Anxiety +35324,"Worried about my health hi so my health anxiety is through the roof. since january every week has been different first one was my period, second was i thought i had cervical cancer, the second was breast cancer, the other was a brain tumour and now its breast cancer again. i keep checking my nipple as i think there is a lump on it or crusty but i know its not as every other time i have looked the past month i didn't see anything stand out so i don't know if it is because my brain wants something new to worry about. i am waking up with panic attacks and crying. i just hate it.",Anxiety +35325,"I think I have cancer I use tobacco (chewing) and there is a white patch on my gum, it came there yesterday + +I'm paranoid add and scared shitless + +Is there a subreddit that diagnoses cancer??",Anxiety +35326,"Can health anxiety cause cold-like symptoms? Hey guys! + +Let me start off by saying that I suffer from pretty strong health anxiety but have recently started therapy to deal with it. + +Three weeks ago, the very week I started therapy, I caught a cold. It was a very difficult week as I pretty much thought I was dying. + +Anyway, it has been two weeks since it has passed and since then, I’ve had pain in my throat on and off, moving in different places in my throat (sometimes the left side, sometimes the right side, sometimes the soft palate, sometimes nothing at all). Yesterday, after being very stressed out about some work things, the pain came back in the right side of my throat pretty strong. This morning I woke up and now the left side is hurting and I have a ton of mucus insiste my nose too. + +Could my brain really be making all of this up? Does anyone suffer from throat pain from health anxiety? + +Sorry for the reassurance post guys, I’m just really tired of thinking about all this and I never google anything because I feel like I’ll start feeling everything I read.",Anxiety +35327,"Its funny how HA works Lately we've had a small problem with rats behind one of our walls at home. We through some poison into the hole in which they climb. No biggie. + +So today my dog was being more friendly and excited than usual. My fiance and I spent some time playing with her since he was in such a good mood. She licked my face a ton while we were playing (the dog, not my fiance lol). + +5 minutes after she calmed down, my fiance eventually said ""did she catch a rat or something?"". Instantly I realized that if she did, she might have been poisoned by the poisoned rat and her licking could have poisoned me. I was fine until I thought of that. Suddenly I got dizzy and nauseous. + +HA works like that. Unless we have the idea, we don't worry about our health. Our symptoms are caused from our overactive brains. But I'm sure you knew this already. Just thought I'd give more evidence of irrational behavior. ",Anxiety +35328,"Scared of bad diseases and death in the young ages Hello everyone +I'm a medical student (22 y/o) and it's about 2 year that I'm suffering from anxiety about my health. + +I think about my body and symptoms +almost every hour of the day. I'm always scared about that i have a bad disease and will it kill me or something. + +I usually experience physical symptoms and I can't really find out whether this symptoms are real or only because of my anxiety. +Over the past 2 years, I experienced lots of symptoms all over my body (now I'm experiencing stomach problems and sleep problems) visited lots of doctors and took lots of medicine. Now its for a few months that i started to feel depressed and lost my motivations. Don't now what to do at all. + +I will be happy if you share some ideas. Tnx",Anxiety +35329,I'm freaking out Yesterday I was hanging out with my buddy things haven't been good for either of us. I told him how two people that I knew died this week and my great aunt tested positive for cancerous cells . His birthday is coming up and he saw how depressed I was and wanted to smoke weed with me. I haven't smoked weed in a while and said screw it we were smoking I went to the bathroom I come out and find out his mom took a hit. Now I didn't know this and I know they smoke together my HA has been under control but unfortunately Now my mind is running all over the place panicking worrying about diseases. Now I'm not saying they have diseases I can't stop worrying about it. For example we were using a bowl and a bong we were passing to each other now I'm worrying about shit like Hepatitis or HIV and stuff like that. Again I'm not saying they have because when I did smoke with them before I was perfectly fine but my HA won't stop me from over thinking and going worst case scenario.,Anxiety +35330,"Health Anxiety Discord https://discord.gg/WSDyk3 + +This is set to expire in one day. If you’re looking for a link please feel free to PM me or reply here. I will gladly get you a fresh link to our discord. + +Sub mods: if you see this please shoot me a message. Two of the discord admins have reached out to you guys regarding the discord. Thank you!! ",Anxiety +35331,Weird pulling/Sore pain behind belly button driving me crazy. Having gas issues and other weird ass feelings. Nausea etc. this is really weird like there’s something behind it? Hernia? May go get looked at but also trying not to feed health anxiety :(,Anxiety +35332,healthy anxiety (i think) i have really only started having the symptoms of health anxiety after i decided to stop using hard drugs and tobacco. i’m 25 years old and have been 65 days clean from cocaine and hard drugs and tobacco. i am currently in therapy and am taking lexapro 10mg once a day but i always think something is wrong with me and idk if it’s my anxiety manifesting as pain in areas of my body or it’s a heart attack or something else i wake up thinking something is wrong with me and i go to sleep thinking something is wrong with me anytime i feel any pain in my chest or weird feeling i think it’s a heart attack anytime there’s tingling in my body i think it’s a heart attack anytime i my heart rate fluctuates even a little i think it’s a heart attack anytime i have sex i think it’s an STD i’m never not thinking about something being wrong with me need some advice on how to help it or some experiences that i can maybe relate to!!,Anxiety +35333,"Scared of Crohn's Disease I had a canker sore in my mouth two weeks ago, it has healed now but I just thought ""what if it comes back"". I have no idea if I have had this feeling for a long time but just now noticed it that I kinda feel like the roof of my mouth is burning and it stops when I don't pay attention to it. I have always had some problems with my stomach, they have gotten better in last two years (male, 19 y/o now). I have had a gastroscopy before but never gotten a colonoscopy because that makes me anxious. Gastroscopy showed that I have no reflux and everything looks good, biopsies from my duodenum came back normal, no coeliac disease or other diseases. I just can't stop worrying if I have an IBD and that is what is causing my mouth symptoms. Would Crohn's disease show on the biopsies taken from my duodenum? I just feel like it would be real unlikely because no-one in my family never have had an IBD and I don't smoke (Apparently smokers are twice as likely to develop Crohn's than non-smokers). ",Anxiety +35334,"Lumps on neck and head now. Okay so first of all thank you for reading this, I am struggling with bad anxiety right now. + +I have had two lumps on the side of my neck for 2 years now and have been told in the past by a doctor that they were nothing. I was put on antibiotics (which didn't seem to help) and sent away. I recently had them checked out again and the doctor ordered an ultrasound (which I have yet to go to) to make sure they weren't cancer. I have zero symptoms otherwise. + + Fast forward to now I have a larger lump on the back left side of my scalp. I'm trying to tell myself it's just a cyst but the anxious pattern seeking side of me is having a hard time time letting it go. It's larger than the other two and is hard and hurts a little when I apply pressure. + +There are a few causes I can think of + +1. It's just a cyst, and completely unrelated to my other two swollen lymph nodes. My fathet has a history of cysts, which may account for mine. + +2. I'm pretty sure I remember hitting my head on something about a week ago, so it could just be a bruise of sorts. (memory isn't clear) + +3. Cancer. I'm gonna die, hit the panic button, ect... + +4. I recently have been having allergies or a cold which could be due to an infection which could be making my lymph nodes react. + + +This is the way my anxious mind sees it: I must have cancer because there is now a third lump to add on the other two I've had for years. I've left it untreated for so long that I'm scared to even go to a doctor. Now it must be spreading to my brain which would probably make it inoperable. I will get brain cancer and die at 19 due to my lack of action. + +I'm honestly having trouble deciphering hypochondria from reality. + +I'm hoping someone besides myself could make a determination as to whether or not I'm blowing this out of proportion. Thank you. + + +I'm also worried that in trying to niaevely make myself feel better by posting this. ",Anxiety +35335,"Scared, spotting My period is late, I masturbated doing clitoral stimulation only, I had blood after. I thought maybe it trigged my period. Today it stopped, no blood. It seemed like spotting instead of a period.. I also had spotting in the beginning of the month after clitorial masturbation. It has happened a few times after clitorial masturbation. + + I do have pcos but my periods are normally regular and spotting after masturbation is new. Is this a sign of a gynecological cancer? I'm freaking out and can't get in to see my gyno right away.",Anxiety +35336,"HA with starting new medications A few years ago, I was placed on a mood stabilizer to treat BPD and the first night that I took it I got extremely dizzy, my heart rate spiked, and I spent the next two days in bed unable to think straight because everything was just fuzzy and I couldn't concentrate or find the energy to function. + +Ever since, I've been *petrified* of starting new medications. A few times now, my psychiatrist has put me on something and I didn't even start taking it because I would take to the internet to double-check possible side effects and suddenly become too afraid to. I always worry starting something new, wondering if this one will have another frightening effect, if I'll have an allergic reaction, if it'll interfere with my heart condition, etc - basically, I always end up terrified to start taking something, because I'm convinced it will be dangerous, or at least will make me feel worse than whatever it's treating. + +Today, after seeing my psychiatrist again, I've been given a new prescription, this time for Strattera to treat the ADHD I just got diagnosed with very recently. Strattera is the only/safest option for me right now, as stimulants definitely will aggravate my heart condition. But so many people online (I peeked around /r/ADHD and a few other places) say it made them feel absolutely horrible, with more side effects than benefits, and now I'm back to being terrified to take it. + + +Has anyone else struggled with this at all? Is there a way around it?",Anxiety +35337,"'Ice-Pick Headaches / year long' Hey! + +So I was wondering whether some of you could help me out. For the last year, I have been experiencing a weird sensation at the back/top of my head, the closest thing I can describe it to being an 'Ice-Pick Headache'. Originally, I was having it a few times a week, and I would get these sensations a few times a day, lasting only 2-5 seconds. However, this has now reduced to once a week on average. During the last year, I have been to the doctors about this issue a few times, mentioning the almost 'pinching' sensation that occurs. However, on none of these occasions have any follow-up appointments been scheduled, each doctor suggesting there is absolutely nothing to worry about and suggesting they could be a symptom of anxiety or tension. For a few months, it hasn't worried me as much but has been in the back of my head (quite literally!), and I decided to make another appointment for today. Again, I was told the same thing, but was prescribed with an anti-inflammatory medicine. + +Have any of you experienced similar symptoms, and do you have any advice? + +fyi, 21 year old male who has never had real issues with headaches/migraines. + +Much appreciated.",Anxiety +35338,"Freaking out over HIV So a little over a year ago I was hooking up with this guy. We had unprotected sex (vaginal and anal). I had gotten sick twice with flu like symptoms during the brief few months we hooked up. I also had to get surgery to remove an ovary due to a cyst and they did all the general blood work then and everything looked fine. Fast forward to two weeks ago, I had a swollen lymph node but didn’t feel sick. Ignored it. I woke up this morning to a rash on my breast and I don’t know where it came from. It doesn’t hurt or itch it’s just red. I went to urgent care this morning and she told me I was fine and couldn’t feel my lymphnodes but to come back in three days if the rash doesn’t go away. I had just gotten another general health panel done on my blood a month ago and was told I was completely healthy. Well after doing research I found out that general health panels don’t screen for HIV. So now I’m freaking out. I had the lymphnode, and now the rash and I think I have tongue thrush. Not severe or anything but my tongue definitely looks whiter than usual. I’m going to get tested this week but I’m so fucking scared. I feel like an idiot for not knowing that general health panels don’t screen for STIs. I haven’t lost a significant amount of weight or but I do sleep a lot more but I thought that was just from my depression/anxiety. I’m terrified ",Anxiety +35339,Rash on breast I woke up this morning to a rash on my right breast. Immediately went to urgent care and she told me to come back in three days if it doesn’t get better. I fell down the worm hole of WebMD and it’s telling me I have all sorts or cancers or HIV. I just got a general health panel done about two weeks ago and my blood looked fine. Would a general health panel be able to detect cancer or other underlying diseases? ,Anxiety +35340,"Convinced something is wrong with my head/brain I posted this to r/askdocs already but figured l'd share here too. + +I'll start by saying l got diagnosed with severe GAD anxiety about a year ago, and l've noticed l've become a huge hypochondriac since then. Lately l've been noticing a few things that have me convinced there's something wrong. + +One is that when l run my hand over my head l feel a lot of hard bumps/divits on my skull that l don't remember always being there, and l haven't hit my head recently. I know it's normal to have a few small bumps, but I have one on the top of my head that seems out of the ordinary and l don't know if that should be of concern or not. + +The other is that I will randomly get sharp bursts of pain in isolated areas of my head that feel like bad headaches, but only last for like a minute or so. This has been scaring me into thinking l might have brain problems/tumors. I also will feel ""shakey"" but it's only in my head and not all over. I sometimes will get slight numbing/tingling sensations on my head, ears, and side of face. +Like l mentioned before, l have anxiety so l know some of these could just be anxiety related issues/symptoms, but it seems like something is wrong to me. I don't want to waste my money in getting scans of my brain if unnecessary, but I still am concerned. +I'm a 21 year old female, overall healthy besides the anxiety and mild depression. Any feedback or concerns would be greatly appreciated!",Anxiety +35341,"Freaking out a bit Had been doing fine until today when my doctor told me I needed to go in for a second mammogram to get a better view of an area they biopsied last year. I'm in the middle of moving and changing jobs and this has just sent my anxiety over the edge. Not to mention, even paying the copay part of the biopsy and second mammogram I had last year was expensive for me. I have to wait two weeks before the test and it's going to feel so long. :(",Anxiety +35342,"Not me but my wife - lower back pain Apparently for like the past 10+ years she thought it was normal so never bought it up to a dr, and now we have no insurance so I'm secretly panicking. She has really sharp pain if you press on her lower back in an area around the spine and it kinda moves in a y up to about mid back. + +Anybody have any idea what this may be before I jump down a dark rabbit hole online? Again she said its been present for a long time so really hoping that means it's not something horrible but I have no idea.",Anxiety +35343,"Thought it might be helpful - what symptoms has your HA given you? I have seen so many helpful posts about people saying theyve had xyz from anxiety that people are fearing something serious so thought it might be useful to share the symptoms we thought were SOMETHING but that turned out to be anxiety - sorry if one exists I couldn’t find one + +Mine are + +Muscle twitches and hand tremors +Lightheaded ness +Dizzy +Feeling of feeling balance +Weird pressure in my ears +Insomnia +Or super deep sleep where I wake up feeling exhausted +Feeling “outside” myself +Feeling shaky and weak +Feeling sick +Feeling fatigued + +Apparently my slight blurry vision (most prevalent when reading text on the tv - it kind of ghosts a little) is down to anxiety too but that’s the one I’m obsessing about at the the moment and not quite convinced on! + +What symptoms have you had? ",Anxiety +35344,"Anyone else terrified of chemicals? Anytime someone uses a cleaning product near me or I have to touch something that was cleaned with a cleaning product, I get extreme anxiety that I’ll get poisoned or something. I’m even scared of stuff like markers and glue which have those smells people try to get high off sometimes. I get scared I’ll that chemicals will damage my eyes, or damage my brain by inhaling them. Can anyone else relate to this?",Anxiety +35345,"Terrified of ALS/MS or some kind of serious neurological condition I am a 24-year-old male. I'm overweight but otherwise healthy as of a full physical with CBC 6 months ago. I usually go for a walk for about a half hour during my lunch break. I guess about 3 weeks ago, I went out and I felt very tired after a few minutes. My legs were burning and I felt like I had to like drag them. After that I freaked out about what could be wrong with me. Since then, I dread lunchtime because I go for a walk, feel tired, and get very anxious afterwards as a result. The whole time I'm walking I'm thinking I'm going to collapse, or I'm not going to be able to make to back to the office, etc. Today I went out and my left leg felt worse than my right, which is why I started to fear ALS, because I readf It affects one limb worse than the other. The muscle in the front of my calf was burning so much I felt like I had to drag it. The whole afternoon I sat at my desk flexing my legs and it feels like the right one is stronger. I know I'm out of shape and need to lose weight, but I've never had problems like this before as a result of my anxiety. I'm going to make an appointment to go to the doctor tomorrow morning, but I'm the meantime I'm just imagining hearing I have ALS and only have a few years to live. ",Anxiety +35346,"I don’t understand why my sickness won’t go away. I’m starting to think I might have neck or throat cancer. Two months ago I went to the doctor due to a cough and a caught up stuffy head I’ve had for literally 2-3 months straight. The doctor gave me decongestants and antibiotics to tackle infections. 1 month later I still have the cough, and I developed really bad mouth ulcers which made it extremely difficult to eat or even talk, along with a lump developing under my jaw which was supposedly a swollen lymph node. I got a blood test taken. I also had constant tiredness. + +I got acid reflux then in between all of this which I also got medicine for. It’s cured now. + +I got prescribed medicine again and I got rid of the ulcers and the soreness in my mouth. The lump under my jaw disappeared, and my blood tests said I was perfectly fine, but I still don’t feel right. Another lump has just grown on the right side of my neck this time, and my cough and stuffy head is STILL effecting me. I’m really starting to worry that this might be something very serious. Why can’t I just become fully healthy? It’s been months, almost 4 months now. I’m going back to the doc again on Friday and this time I’m going to tell her my concerns. ",Anxiety +35347,"Itchy Skin and Lymph Nodes. Google Results Are F***** Scaring Me. Hey Guys! I’m new to this SubReddit, but I found myself worrying about minor medical issues since I was a young teenager (I’m 24). +I have three small hard lymph nodes in the back of my neck and behind my ear. Since five days my skin is itchy without an apparent rash. +I called my GP and went to the ER three days ago. Dr. just told me the lymph nodes are fine but didn’t address my itchiness, even though he asked where I feel it. When I googled my symptoms I started crying (lymphoma, blood cancer etc.). I’m married and have a son and also I’m a student and workout and live actually quiet healthy compared to most people I know. I have no other symptoms but I’m sure I have cancer. The lymph nodes came after I was sick about three weeks ago. +Did anyone else have similar symptoms? +I have an appointment with my Dr. in 8 days but I’m just so ridden with anxiety.. ",Anxiety +35348,"Dealing with health anxiety for years... and how Im learning to move on from it Im no expert and I know everyone is different but I’ve come a long way with my health anxiety and wanted to share a little of what I learned. +(On mobile, excuse format and typos) + +I once read something along the lines of “our brain believes everything we tell it, so if we start filling it with doubt and anxiety, we create a world that is simply not true” + +A year ago and I was telling myself every little symptom meant imminent death, I worried about brain cancer, breast cancer, blood cloths, etc etc etc. + +Im still in the process of completely desensitize myself from the most minimal sensations and Im still trying to learn how to really understand what my body is trying to tell me, this is kind of how I learned to deal with it (again, I know not everyone is the same but hopefully this will be useful for someone) + +1. If I can distract myself from the sensation or discomfort then its anxiety, I call them “sensations” because any little thing I feel I wanna convince myself is pain even if its not. I try to ignore it if thats the case. My doctor always told me small sensations or symptoms are not a sign of anything serious. + +2. If its interrupting your day to day then take something for your symptom and try to move on, (eg., you have a sore throat then get something specifically for that) + +3. If over the counter meds don’t do it and its well over a week or so then I’ll call my Doctor explain whats going on and see if I can come in for some answers and peace of mind. + +If you have multiple terrible symptoms then of course go check with your doctor asap. But the main thing is, breathe friend. Don’t freak out immediately, don’t google about it, try to accept the thought and the sensations as exactly that, thoughts and sensations and nothing more, they’re not a sign of anything. + +Ironically, life is not guaranteed for anybody no matter what, but looking for symptoms constantly means you’re wasting something you want to hold on to so desperately. + +Think about that, I do it everyday. ",Anxiety +35349,"Scared to Death about my eyes I’ve been having eye floaters that I can’t seem to ignore, mostly when I go outside or look at a bright surface. I get super anxious about them, but really I only notice them if I start to look. + +I went to my optometrist last Friday and he said that everything looked normal in my eyes at the time. But when I get anxious about them a lot I feel like I notice little pin pricks of light in my vision and other symptoms, but no loss of peripheral vision. + +I had pink eye at the beginning of this year and I think that may have been the culprit of these floaters, cause they only really became visible after then, but I just need some reassurance that everything is fine and will be fine. ",Anxiety +35350,"Fit device (fitbit like) without heartbeat sensor? Hi everyone, +I've been kinda lazy these past few years and would like to start exercising again as i fell it would help me feel better. +However I'm very anxious about my heart, do you know of a fitbit lke device that can track steps/calories consumed etc. without measuring heart rate ? +Thanks",Anxiety +35351,"High Heart Rate I’ve struggled with GAD especially Healthy Anxiety since Middle School. For the last 3 days, my bpm is around 130 and it’s freaking me out. I went to the doctor today and got an EKG and thing checked out just a fast pulse. I just concerned over the extended time it’s above 100. Any advice or support wouldn help. Thanks ",Anxiety +35352,"Uneven bones I have a chest bone that sticks out a bit more than the other. It's in the region above the breast and below the collar bone, and I can tell it's a chest bone. I tend to overthink these things because I found a lump in my breast (benign, clean bill of health overall) but I'm not sure if one that sticks out a bit more than the rest is normal.",Anxiety +35353,"Weight loss Hello, + +I'm new to this sub and hope this is the right place to post.. I have been worried about my health this last year ish and am worried about weight loss, i haven't lost much but i worry that it is a symptom of the c word..i know it's unlikely but i want to ask what Is the weight loss rate like in that situation...?does it come back any weight? I'm sorry if this is a bad post,I'm just worried,I'm trying to move on in life professionally and struggling with this on the side..any help would be great",Anxiety +35354,"How to stop nervous ticks/compulsions? So not totally related to health anxiety, but for me, these nervous ticks occur when I’m stressed about health, dying, etc. or just anxious in general. + +I have 2 “nervous ticks.” I just can’t stop myself from doing them. I wouldn’t worry about them so much but people point them out to me because 1 is pretty noticeable. And the other 1 is a bit self-destructive because I pick at my eyebrow....to the point where my hair falls out. I can’t stop though. ",Anxiety +35355,"I (F24) Haven't had a checkup in 12+ years; I have one today and I'm freaking out The title pretty much says it all. +I've never posted here, but I was hoping maybe for some tips on what I should expect and how I can make the appointment smoother for myself and the doctor. +Anything is appreciated +",Anxiety +35356,"any advice for someone who's scared of taking an ultrasound and its test results? hello! + +this coming saturday, im going to have to have a whole abdomen ultrasound to check why ive been feeling nasty symptoms in the upper (stomach) and lower (large intestine? uterus?) abdomen for about 6 weeks now. + +my initial fear was that i was pregnant... 3 negative test results later + even having my period, i still doubt myself -- what if that wasnt a period? what if the pain ive been feeling on the lower side is actually a baby? + +though maybe... the lower pain is from the constipation and how im having trouble with my digestive system (i...really want to, for the lack of a better term, poop now) maybe high levels of stress can cause that? someone please enlighten me. haha + +my grandmother is accompanying me on saturday because she knows the doctor. i have 2 fears: +1) what if im pregnant? -- illogical, at this point. but i fear that the worse outcome will happen and i dont want my grandmother to know first... ive actually been really conscious of my abdominal area, i keep looking at it in the mirror and nowadays i feel full and sometimes there's a pain somewhere. + +2) what if i have an illness i never even thought of? -- i really dont want to die yet, or have cancer... + +maybe im asking for advice on what to do to rationalize these thoughts? and how to not freak out as the saturday draws nearer? + +thank you if youve read this far.",Anxiety +35357,"Worried about colon cancer again. Ugh. Hi, + +So I’ve been away for a while from this sub trying to sort myself out. I had a massive colon cancer scare end of 2017/ beginning of 2018 which subsided after numerous tests at doctors. However, I’ve recently started worrying again - I use the toilet about 3 times a day. Have urgency to go. Sometimes have flat stools - worried it’s colon cancer and I’ve had it for 18+ months :/ + +",Anxiety +35358,"Intense body aches from aftermath of a common cold So basically 8 days ago, I caught the common cold and was hit with the usual 3 - sore throat, cough and runny nose. During the course of the sickness, I experienced sweating at night and joint pains. Fast forward to today, I no longer have the 3 symptoms, I might even add that I feel recovered! However, the oddity is that the body aches and joint pains still lingers as if I was sick and it has been affecting my sleep. If I were to describe the pain, it feels like it's my entire body with the most painful part being my rib/torso area. I was wondering if this is normal? Any thoughts? + + +I might add that during the course of the sickness, I coughed really heavily and battled pretty bad yellow phlegm production (loads of it) so my uneducated ass might think that the pain stems from me ""overworking"" myself? ",Anxiety +35359,"Protip: a terrible disease would most likely hurt a whole lot. Aches and twinges are fine. I know some of the diseases we're worrying about don't fall under this category, but most of them would. Your body would respond with the appropriate amount of pain for a serious affliction. + +",Anxiety +35360,"Swollen lymph nodes in neck.. I recently am getting over a cold / possible sinus infection with typical stuffy nose and congestion..still some lingering symptoms but not terrible now. Today i noticed the lymph nodes in my neck are a bit swollen, is this typical? + +I recently got drunk and made out with a stripper at a strip club so my anxiety is through the roof thinking I have herpes or worse..(this was while i had a cold, yes not a great idea).. thanks.",Anxiety +35361,"anxiety about having a personality disorder Recently I've become obsessed with the possibility of having borderline personality disorder. I have a decent amount of the associated symptoms, but I also have bipolar disorder which complicates things. I've been hospitalized for mania so I'm pretty confident that's not a misdiagnosis, my worry is I have BPD on top of it. + +I now spend hours reading the criteria for BPD, taking BPD symptom tests over and over again, reading accounts of BPD on medical/mental health subreddits, to see if my experiences fit. It's even more hellish than health anxiety I've had about physical health problems because there is no definitive test, one professional could say I have it and the other could disagree for example, there is no objective qualification for whether I ""have"" it and I'm scared to even bring it up to a professional because I don't want to plant the seed in their mind and be treated worse because it's so highly stigmatized. It's gotten completely obsessive. I'm really unsure of what to do. ",Anxiety +35362,Everyone has cancer and it freaks me out. I’ve been having a lot of cancer surrounding my friends and family as time passes I become more and more afraid of when it is going to inevitably strike close to home. I am terrified of a possibility that someone I love or even myself can get hit by the big C. Does anyone else struggle with this? ,Anxiety +35363,"Weird, I'm fine. So over the last week or so I've had some symptoms. My tongue was sensitive and burned. Mild aching in my jaw. Cheek was kind of torn up and raw. My SO was leaving across the country for a week when these symptoms showed up. They got worse until she got back. So things have died down then yesterday I sort of run my jaw on the right side. Sure as shit, there's a mass or lump of some sort. I go into full panic mode through my whole work shift and into the night. In all lasting about 7 or 8 hours. So I call the dentist this morning. Get fit in somewhere. It's about an hour drive for me to get there. Nerves going crazy the whole time. Thinking the worst case scenario as usual. I go in, I get into a room. They take some xrays. The assistant says hes going to get the doc and he'll be back. At this point to me its mouth cancer or some crazy abcess. The doc comes in, I explain my HA to him. He looks around a bit and God damn. It's a fucking canker sore. My lymphnodes are a tad swollen and that's what he said I felt. I could tell they were trying not to laugh at the fool who'd just spent 100 dollars to look at a canker sore. Honestly it is funny though and hella relieving. Just a good ol case of the HA. Keep on powering through folks. It's usually never as bad as it seems. Love ya people ❤",Anxiety +35364,"my neck is constantly cracking! so my neck has been constantly cracking for a long time now, but now its even more frequent than it used to be. + +i can also MOVE bits and pieces in the back of my neck, which feels like small pieces of bone. + +i saw a doctor for this, she basically diagnosed me as overly anxious about my health, that it is all a mental thing. i agree in this because i AM always anxious about my health. + +when my neck cracks, which is with many movements, not just occasionally but VERY frequently, i dont really feel any pain but it does worry me a lot. + +my neck cracking gets worse when i am in certain positions or if i sit down on a chair for a long time. + +sometimes with the pains i feel, like sharp stabbing pains occasionally in my head or wherever it may be, i am starting to feel overly anxious about them because i wonder if it could be because of my neck. + +im only 17 but i have very bad posture and a sedentary lifestyle for many years now. + +i am mostly concerned about the bits and pieces that i can shift in the back of my neck, they feel like tiny pieces of bone and i can move them around. everyone ive asked about this does not relate to what im saying at all! + +i also get headaches nearly every day, i have a bit of scoliosis, and tmj, so i wonder if this is related at all. + +i just dont feel like this is normal, and its really making me anxious lately, so if anyone else experiences constant cracking and crunching in their neck tell me! and are you able to move little pieces that feel like bone in the back of your neck? + +if anyone can help me alleviate this anxiety i will be extremely grateful!",Anxiety +35365,"Tell me your success stories Quick Bio: +My Dad was diagnosed with MS when I was 23, shortly after having my first baby. It rocked my world. I saw the strongest man in my life quickly deteriorating and it hit me that illnesses happen to young people. This kicked off health anxiety for me and I’ve been struggling ever since. I’ve been convinced that I’ve had MS, Parkinson’s, neuro diseases. lots of various cancers. I’m a compulsive ‘checker’ if I feel a lump or bump. I check it constantly. I’ve had panic attacks that last for days. Most of these symptoms have always gone away with starting and restarting ssri’s. Basically, my anxiety has given me symptoms that mimic diseases. My mind is obviously not healthy, as if I even hear the word cancer, I can feel the anxiety build. If people I know are going through something health related, or even if I see a young person going through cancer treatment, it triggers it. It’s even branching to my kids. Every headache or complaint, I start panicking about something worse than a headache or virus. I can’t sleep, I obsess and they’re starting to notice my compulsions and worries. It’s entirely illogical and overall just really bad for my health. I don’t want to live like this. I hate being on SSRI’s. I have sexual side effects and I don’t feel like myself. I think they help, but even on them I’m susceptible to panic over things. + +I’ve tried meditating, medications, yoga, exercise. I’ve overhauled my diet. I lift weights and cardio 3x a week. I use CBD oil. + +My question: is this a life long thing? Has anyone overcome this and lived more normally? Has therapy helped you? And if so, how? I just don’t see how talking about it will help. How have you overcome this? I’m so tired. ",Anxiety +35366,"Hypochondria as an early symptom of dementia? I decided to take a break from scaring myself to death with medical craziness online and (for once) actually wanted to learn about Hypochondria (I guess you could say it was an eye opening moment where I, myself, saw myself from a logical standpoint). + +As I sifted through the Google pages, I ended up coming across a slew of articles relating to Hypochondria being one of the earliest signs of Frontotemporal Lobe Dementia and Lewy Body Dementia. My first initial reaction was complete anger. I had abused my Google privileges for so long, looking at the scariest possible diseases. The one time I do exactly what people have been telling me to do (""dude, look up what ANXIETY does to your body and mind, not this"") I get forced back into hell. + +As you can imagine, I checked it out. There were actually many articles and case reports regarding it that it kinda scared me. I had been worried specifically about dementia for the past month for a bunch of odd-and-end reasons..and then Google relays the term in reference to my hypochondria/anxiety...? It is the coincidence now that is flipping me out and confirming my fear even more. That is some bizarre..not even intentional coincidence, dont you think? + +How do you even distinguish the difference between hypochondria as a VERY early symptom of dementia vs hypochondria because you are a hypochondriac?",Anxiety +35367,"Dents at top of thighs. Panic attacks. I'm having a tough time with anxiety attacks. Feeling and seeing dents at the top of my thighs has really set me off. I googled it and the first thing that pops up is also and degenerative muscle diseases... They don't feel like fluid. Just like a chunk of my thigh is gone from underneath the skin.... + +Side note, I just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant.",Anxiety +35368,"How do i cope ? Actually so glad i came across this sub after checking reddit for similar symptoms... + +22 year old male, and i go to the doctors a few times a month with a new issue, my doctors laughs when he calls my name out and sees me walk down, we do have a good relationship now tho, i think he enjoys seeing me as it lightens his mood . + +Recently started TRT after symptoms of low T got really bad, i just saw a urologist today about a lump in my scrotum ( harmless cyst apparently ) + +I saw my doctors recently about a swollen lymph node in my neck, ultrasound booked for next week, i started to feel better about it, until my mum just saw me feeling it, and said my uncle had the same thing and its leukemia! Apparently it wont effect him till his old but what the hell ! + +Straight down the rabbit hole, googling away... heart pumping, i bet i have leukemia, im certain, i don’t know what else it could be... + +I have NO symptoms of why it could be swollen, and the worst thing is i don’t really know how long its been like that for, i just felt it while rubbing my neck one day, about the size of a cashew.. + +Anyone had a swollen lymph node on there right side that turned out not to be leukemia..😒",Anxiety +35369,"Oh boy a swollen lymph node. I spent five years absolutely convinced my ibs was a sign of some horrible bowel cancer. Kept putting off any screening (colonoscopy) for fear of the procedure and for fear I’d be right. Finally got it done and woo nothings wrong! Turns out my anxiety was actually 90% of the cause behind horrible intestinal upset for yeaaars. So that subsides (finally) and I can get back to normal. Til now. About a week ago I discovered a swollen (what I presume to be) a lymph node on my upper thigh/groin crease area. About the size of a grape, hard and moveable. Doesn’t hurt until I start messing with it. I’ve had a lymph node in my neck that swells up occasionally (happening since childhood apparently it’s normal) and it feels like that. So cool guess I’m going right back down into the anxiety that I’m gonna die. Doesn’t help my mother had lymphoma :/ (no blood relation) ",Anxiety +35370,"Anxiety over tests Hi there, aside from therapy, wondering if any of you could share advice about how to get over anxiety when doing medical tests. + +I recently had an ultrasound and was in tears during it bc I had convinced myself that something scary would be found. It was to the point that the radiologist came to talk to me and gave me the results on the spot. I greatly appreciated this but I understand is not possible every time. + +I have a follow up MRI scheduled for next week (likely to confirm an incidentaloma) and I’m having a VERY hard time. I’ve rescheduled it twice and I dread the two days I will have to wait for the results. The anxiety is crippling. + +Thanks for reading and any advice you can give me. ",Anxiety +35371,"Anxiety or something else? Age: 19 Sex: Male Height: 5'11 Weight: 85 KG Race: Indian Duration: A few hours (6) Location :Canada, Hi, I've been diagnosed with anxiety, and I think I had a little panic attack, but I feel my heart beating wired and feel a little weak/lightheaded, this has been going on for about 2 hours, I am 19 and have also done an EKG test last month.I also felt little loss of sensation/ numbness in my feet when I walk and now feel like I am losing control, but my heart beat is not racing so I just want to know if this is a panic attack/Anxiety or not. Thanks in advance, I have been looking into CBT, but I dont know if that will cut it, can anyone chime in?",Anxiety +35372,"Twitching, anxiety, stress For the past 2 or 3 months (at least) I've been having muscle twitching all over my body. Feet, lower legs, thighs, quads, back, stomach, face (especially my right eye). + +I tried to do some guided relaxation the other night and found that over about 25 minutes of this relaxation I only had 2 or 3 twitches. + +Still I worry that it's ALS or something. + +On top of the twitching my legs feel sore and my muscles feel tight/fatigued. Taking to a friend I'm told that your body releases some hormones when you're stressed that can make muscles tighten. + +I don't have any real weakness. I can still do pushups, run, etc. + +I don't really know. Just looking for some support",Anxiety +35373,"Health Anxiety Effects English is not my first language so apologies for any grammar mistakes. So I've been having Health Anxiety, mostly due to the apparition of a dark spot in my stomach, and some sores in my scalp. Initially I didn't worry about it, but it started spreading, and I was convinced that it was some cancer tumor. That coupled with upset stomach made me live day after day with anxiety about my health. It's been two months with this anxiety, I've been to the doctor and he said I have a healthy stomach, besides my colon being upset and having a infection. I'm on medication for that. Been to two different dermatologist for the spot in my chest, said it was dermatitis and got medication for it. Still, I'm anxious about my health, and been feeling dizzy lately. I been coping with my parents divorce, economic issues and think I might have depression. What are the effects of Health Anxiety? Think it might be worsening my health",Anxiety +35374,"The Hypochondriacs Nine Tormented Lives If you guys haven't read the book, you should. It's called ""The Hypochondriacs Nine Tormented Lives"" by Brian Dillon. The introduction alone is probably so relatable to everyone here. I know it was for me!",Anxiety +35375,"More anxious when on meds that are helping you? I don't mean anxiety meds. I'm dealing with Crohn's and have recently had an iron infusion and my first round of Entyvio. Since then I've been feeling some new things (most likely side effects) and I've been paranoid about them being something else. Since I had the iron infusion I've been having night sweats every night. Not drenching but kind of muggy and enough to notice that something's off. Then I started the Entyvio and my appetite has taken a plunge as well as nausea coming onto me at random points. Been more thirsty too. I feel feverish but only in my head. Extremities aren't cold and I'm not shivering but I do have chills (anxiety?). I keep getting paranoid about lymphoma since I used to be on Humira and that can cause it. Or maybe some kind of abdominal abscess forming. It's been taking over my thoughts and actions since this all started happening and I don't know if I'm thinking clearly. When I wasn't on anything for Crohn's I had no cares in the world it seemed and even though I had pain, I knew what was causing it. It wasn't something I thought about. Now it feels like I can't pinpoint what's doing what. Even talking to my doctor I feel like it's just brushed over as nothing. How do I go about not worrying about every thing I'm feeling?",Anxiety +35376,"[Help] Need help identifying sickness Symptoms are extreme sneeziness, weakness, dizziness, shivering extremely, constant need to eat. +I’m a 14 yr old healthy male should I have anything to worry about? ",Anxiety +35377,"Coping Methods Backfired Hi all, just hoping to get some feedback on how to proceed. + +I got an IUD in mid January, and had my follow up ultra sound in February. + +A few weeks after getting the iud, I started feeling this strange twinge in my lower left pelvis. Of course, having gone through this countless times, I began to do what I’ve been working on with my counselor, which is essentially using mindfulness to talk myself off the ledge of thinking I was dying. + +I actually felt relatively calm while I was having my exam, but then my doctor tells me I have a complex cyst on my left ovary, and I felt anxiety come crashing down on me. + +The ultrasound was 2/7 of this year, and since that day, I can’t stop obsessing over this cyst, and I’m determined it’s cancer and that I’m dying. + +My doctor even said it was nothing to stress about, and that I’d have a follow up in 2 months to see if it’s changed/gone away. That hasn’t helped, and I’m still so scared. + +It’s too the point where I’m getting heart palpitations, and every twinge of my body makes me feel like my ovarian cancer has spread to wherever I’m feeling it. + +Anyone have any advice? I feel completely at a loss, because I feel like I can no longer rely on my coping method.",Anxiety +35378,"After images in side view I know after images are normal. If you look at a screen, then look a way there’s an imprint. But I get it in the peripheral. If I look to the side of a tv, then at the tv itself, the imprint is to the side. It’s far more noticeable than the imprint after looking directly at the screen. ",Anxiety +35379,"I feel worse and worse by the day. Intense brain fog, feeling weak, chest (heart?) pain, very fatigued, and I have really bad circulation problems. Doctors don’t take me seriously. And I feel like maybe it’s all in my head, but yet I feel like my body is screaming “it’s not in your head” I’ve felt not well for years. I’ve gone to the doctor and they usually take one look at me and say I “look” young and healthy and it’s all good. They’ve never done any kind of tests on me unless I argued it. + I got an ECG last year for my heart and it was normal. But I have had pain in my heart area for over a year now, and it’s progressively worse. + The last few months I have major brain fog, headaches, I feel extremely weak and my muscles in my chest and back have these weird.... things. They feel loose or.. I don’t know. They just hurt really badly sometimes. It feels like needles pulling them apart and it’s weird. + +I just feel very unwell and every time I go to the doctor I feel Like they think I’m a hypochondriac. They don’t take me seriously and it feels so pointless. Maybe I say the wrong things to them, I don’t know. It’s so annoying. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve had chest X-rays, and all that. I don’t know :( I’m only 25, too. ",Anxiety +35380,"Medical Radiation Question Hey, me again. + +Is there a difference between a burst of radiation from a CT scan, and absorbing natural radiation from space over the course of a year? + +I got a 3 mSv abdominal CT scan a few months ago. I've read the chances of developing cancer from the scan is 1 in 2000, yet they extrapolated this from victims exposed to radiation from the Fukushima reactor failure. Weren't those people exposed to the radiation over a long period of time? If so, doesn't that undermine the statistic?",Anxiety +35381,"Weird heartbeat - Anxiety symptom ? Hi guys, + +I am looking for someone that would have/had the same thing than I. +I have been recently diagnosed with spasmophilia/severe anxiety (it all begin a month ago when i suddenly had a panic attack right before bed, and i am pretty sure it was heart related) +I have been scared for a while to have any heart disease and i am obviously completely freaked out about sudden death (heart attack and stuff). +I have been quite deep into anxiety, i could not walk without freaking out and my heart rate was going crazy ! + +I has dizziness, headaches, palpitations, nausea, tiredness, chest pain, blurry vision, heavy stomach feeling, pressure in my throat and neck, an oppressing feeling in my throat like i was suffocating, hot flash and short breath. + +Doctors said : we found nothing, you are fine. + +Yeah but nothing stopped ... how can they tell me i have nothing when i feel so bad ? + +Anyway, back to other doctor : you have spasmophilia known as severe anxiety/stress. What happened ? I have no idea ... + +My cardiologist gave me propanolol after running exams that all came back good ! + +I feel better yes, i can go to work, talk, walk. +Nevertheless i still feel oppressed, i have shortbreath, crazy stomach pain (i think it is acid reflux but not sure), it feels like i am swallowing too much air, and i have those weird heart palpitations where all of a sudden it misses a beat and then burst in a new beat, it nearly cut my breath ! (But again cardiologist said i had nothing after an echograpghy and a 24h ECG). + +It needs to stop. Everytime i think i am getting better, something else appears and makes me feel down again. + +Sorry for the long post guys, but ill take any advise you ´ll have for me ! + +Thanks ",Anxiety +35382,"Wanted to share one of my coping methods in case any of you find it helpful Recently I've been thinking a lot about about my health anxiety and I think one of the main reasons why I am so afraid of contracting whatever disease it happens to be on any given week, is because I automatically catastrophize the situation. + +If I think I might have breast cancer I automatically think it will kill me. I imagine saying my last goodbyes to my family and friends and think of all the things I will never achieve in my life because I've died young. To reassure myself, I tell myself that I'm making it up it my head, I don't have cancer, it's so unlikely at my age etc. This reassurance is only fleeting before I find another 'symptom' and the cycle continues. + +But lately I've been realising that one of the main problems is that I underestimate my ability to cope with health problems. There are hundreds of thousands of cancer survivors who end up living long and happy lives. People who are HIV positive can live relatively normal lives despite their illness thanks to modern medicine. Having an illness does not mean the end of the world. + +By reframing my thinking when reassuring myself from 'I don't have x disease, I'm OK' to 'I probably don't have x disease, but if I do I know I will find a way to cope with it and I will be ok', I have found that health anxiety worries have come up less frequently as the intrusive thoughts have less to hold on to. ",Anxiety +35383,"CWD is freaking me out My uncle likes to hunt deer here in Texas, and he sends us venison sausage from time to time after an especially successful hunting trip. I just ate some of this sausage not too long ago with my family. Now after reading a bit about what CWD is and how scientists are researching its compatibility with humans, I’m in full-blown panic mode. I was doing SO WELL these past couple of weeks but I can not stop worrying about the possibility of me becoming a zombie! He has the sausage made by what I’m presuming is a professional and state law requires meat to be inspected for CWD, so I’m sure if the sausage was indeed made by a professional it should be fine. I won’t know for sure until tomorrow, though. Wish me luck, y’all.",Anxiety +35384,@health_anxiety on Instagram She has helped me so much as well as the community & polls !! Oh my gosh. I started purity CBD too & it is saving me. I see a light at the end of this health anxiety ,Anxiety +35385,"Testicle Soreness So, I noticed this just a few days ago. My testicles are sore, there is no lump. I don’t know what it could be, they only hurt when I push on them, most of the time, they don’t hurt when lightly touching them, but when I put pressure on them it hurts. Does anyone have any advice, I would gladly answer any questions that may help you know what’s wrong.",Anxiety +35386,"Paresthesia I have this nagging tingling sensation on the left side of my scalp and face. I have gotten MRIs, CT scans and everything is normal. Doctors don’t seem too concerned about it. And I have them even if I am relaxed and meditating. Anyone has this feeling/sensation?",Anxiety +35387,"How I know I have health anxiety cause of my poop this morning. I saw black poop and instantly thought stomach cancer. + +Then I remembered that I ate seafood squid ink black fried rice yesterday night 😂. + +Hang in there folks we are probably okay. If we’re not? Then we’ll figure it out.",Anxiety +35388,"Vaginal bleeding Ok, so I didn't have my period in 19 days and I usually get period 25-30 days after my last one. Now I started to bleed, very lightly, doesn't look like period. I don't sleep much (5 hours/night) for the last 14 days because I have so much energy (probably some hypomania) and stress, but I'm overall in a great mood so it could be hormonal imbalance. Now I'm scared that it's something serious. I know it could be ovulation (that got delayed) but I never had ovulation bleeding before. I'm sitting here crying because it's saturday and my gynecologist is there on monday. I'm supposed to write my thesis and now this health anxiety came up to my mind. Please someone calm me down that it happened to them and it was ok. I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin. ",Anxiety +35389,"allergies that won't go away I think I'm allergic to my apartment bc I have allergy and asthma symptoms that start the moment I enter the apt and end after I spend some time out of it. Financially I can't really move until May. I take 3 different kinds of antihistamines daily, a combo inhaler, clean constantly bc of the dust, and run two air purifiers and a dehumidifier. I'm still not better. There's a vent in our bathroom maybe going to the ceiling of the upper unit bathroom and eventually out into the roof but that's it for ventilation. I think the people above have a cat and I'm allergic to cats but I'm not sure if the allergens can travel like that? Either way it's like I have legit ocd now about dust mold and cats. I'm constantly cleaning everything in an attempt to feel better and I keep getting worse. Drs give me more pills that do nothing. I think I am slowly losing it. Should I just start living in a hotel until I can figure it out? Move back home? I don't really have money so I'd have to probably move back in with my parents. All bc my partner had to live a pet friendly dusty old building (which I clean ALL the time and still sick). What are my options as tenant and what can I do to get better other than leave? Thanks ",Anxiety +35390,"Help me through this. Brain eating amoeba fear! :( I wash my face almost everyday with cleanser to get my makeup off. And, sometimes a little of the tap water goes up my nose. + +I am freaking out because I have swollen glands in my neck right now. And, now that I read the actual symptoms of BAE I feel like I am getting them. All of a sudden I got weak and dizzy while ago when standing up. + +This is scaring me!!! So much. Help please. Can you even get it from tap water? Cold tap water? ",Anxiety +35391,"Do you ever just feel one lymph node? Then you feel more and more? Seems like it’s common for someone to feel lymph nodes unilaterally, especially on the neck. In my case it has always been the right side of my neck. +I’ve felt one below my lower right jaw for several years. + +I started feeling again and finding more and they’re all on the right side still. A nice little stiff one around the posterior cervical area. Then today I found a pretty big soft one in the supraclavicular area (feels very long and narrow like an oversized Mike n Ike). Now I’ve freaked myself out. + +I was never worried about my lymph nodes until now since I’ve been able to feel more of them in a descending pattern on one side only. I suppose the good thing is that they’re not big enough that you could see the lumps in a picture or mirror. + +I seldom have an intense itch attack on my lower legs and abdomen. I’d say just a few occasions every couple months, brought on by some physical activity. Last stomach itch I remember happened after a bike ride at night in the summer. + +Edit: Had a pretty intense scratching session on my calf after I said this. + +Night sweats have happened but are rare as well. They always seem to happen when I cover myself up in a certain throw blanket, so I switched to a more silky blanket and reduced the problems. + +Thinking way too ahead now, I know most common lymphomas are treatable but it’s a matter if my insurance will cover the treatment and what I must do if they won’t. I *could* just hope it’s nothing though instead of stressing about potentially nonexistent financial burdens. ",Anxiety +35392,"I can't believe this So my health anxiety was somewhat under control, I went through a full course of CBT, my symptoms had persisted for so long that surely I would be dead by now (3 years) if my brain tumour was real, so it was clearly time to get my life back on track. Well... + +I've tried, I caught up with old friends, made some new ones, actually have some hope for the future for the first time in a long time, even been trying to get a girlfriend (I'm 22 and have never had one). Turns out my health anxiety hates this, I'm not allowed to be happy because to be happy is to be excited for the future, something that's hard to do when your thoughts are once again racing with things you thought you had moved past. Why would I go out to the bar with friends if I'm dying, why am I mixing up words when typing, why is my leg suddenly jerking frequently, why am I even feeling motivated and confident, is this finally the personality changes that come with having a brain tumour. Anxiety is cruel but this is the cruelest thing it has done yet, preventing my ability to be happy because what's the point, I'll obviously be dead soon. + +And you know what set me off tonight? I sat down on the toilet and noticed a drop of liquid on the seat. Was it there before I sat down or did it leak out without me noticing? I must have urinary incontinence, cause brain tumours can cause that and wow it tends to be a late-stage symptom and I've had symptoms for over 3 years huh. + +3 fucking years. +",Anxiety +35393,"I feel constantly dizzy...anyone else? I think it's partly because of my eyesight. I wear glasses, but not all the time. Looking into getting contacts. But gosh, it's driving me nuts. I always feel dizzy and off balance. Just curious if anyone else does too?",Anxiety +35394,"Health anxiety by proxy, anyone? So I think it started last summer, when my husband got appendicitis. He denied the need to go to the ER for some time, until finally I made him call for medical help. They came, but they were unable to diagnose him, so they just gave him a pain shot and left. After this I finally made it home, and after a brief examination of his abdomen I was totally sure it was his appendix. So you could have guessed by now I have a health anxiety, and have had it all my life. And it's actually severe and affects my life hugely. Almost all of my family are medics, so I know a lot, but I myself is not a doctor at all. So, I called for medical help again, and I made them take him, and I insisted on the operation, though they weren't sure because my husband's symptoms were so smudged because of the drug they gave him. It was an appendicitis, the surgery was almost at the last moment before it would burst. But it was a minor surgery and after a few days he was totally fine, he just got 3 really small scars. And know my health anxiety went fully blown out on him, because it seems if I hadn't this anxiety and the knowledge it gave me, my husband could have been in a way worse situation. So I'm anxious over his every headache and all. I'm like a crazy mom, lol. When I think something bad can happen to him I cry, and I always fear the worst. It stresses me a lot sometimes.",Anxiety +35395,"Colon Cancer symptoms for 1.5 months Hello guys, I hope I’m in the correct sub, please direct me if I’m not. I’m 22 and have no family history of colon cancer. + +Around mid January, I started having extremely large amounts of diarrhea, probably like 4-5 times a day. Within 2 weeks, I was still having diarrhea but now blood started showing up, and now every time (apart from 1-2 here and there) I have blood in my stool. Within the last week, I’m still going 4-5 times a day, but half of those are usually to pass mucus and blood, nothing else. The rest of the time I still pass mucus and blood, but with normal stool. It might be stress related because college/work is pretty hectic, but I manage and I have no other stress symptoms. + +I went to my doctor around 2 weeks ago and he said there was nothing he can do, so he scheduled a GI appointment which is finally coming this Tuesday. The problem is that I read cancer stories from people my age, and they all say they initially got passed off by several doctors because of their age group, and they don’t get the diagnosis until they finally get a colonoscopy, so I will make sure I get one. + +What do you guys think? + +",Anxiety +35396,I have a black spot on the inside of my mouth?? I have a black spot on the inside of my cheek above my back teeth. I’m 19 and don’t smoke. I have extreme anxiety and when I found this earlier today it ruined my day and I can’t do anything but lay here and worry. I don’t have health insurance:( could I have some freckle thing? I have a freckle in my eye but it’s harmless an eye dr told me. What should I do? Any ideas what it is-I’m so scared....,Anxiety +35397,"Breast cancer anxiety As the title suggests, my HA specialty is breast cancer. I do not have a family history of it; I’m 33 and live a very active, healthy life. But I live in almost constant fear of finding a lump and being given a death sentence. Like they are ticking time bombs. I check myself daily during the bad HA cycles (usually tied to menstrual cycle) and in several extra dark times, have convinced myself my ribs, muscle tissue, etc. are lumps. Always to be reassured by my OB that they aren’t and that I’m low risk and completely healthy. It makes me crazy though. Sometimes I even feel breast pain, which I’m pretty sure is psychosomatic because when I’m busy/preoccupied I don’t feel the pain. But when I obsess, I feel it constantly and live in a loop of crazy anxiety. I’m driving my husband nuts and the worrying often robs me of other joys. But I don’t know how to overcome this. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has this particular worry and if they’ve had any success getting past it. ",Anxiety +35398,"Shaking HA label when you know something else is wrong Hi fellow HA friends! I’m new to this sub and Reddit in general. 33F history of HA and panic disorder, but it has been fairly well controlled for the last decade. + +Since last fall, I’ve had chest/ abdominal pain. Doctor thought it was GERD, but I haven’t responded to multiple PPI’s. I recently had a full cardiology workup and it was clear. Normally cardiology tests would really excite me, but this time I honestly didn’t think it was my heart. + +The pain is worsening and I’m so discouraged. It’s a constant burning and I can’t find any relief with a bland diet or medicine. Endoscopy and abdominal ultrasound were normal. I’m beginning to think they’ll never find out what’s wrong. It’s almost to the point I want pain medicine, and that’s not me. + +I do realize the impact anxiety can have, especially on the digestive system, but I’m in constant pain. It feels like there’s more to this. I’m fearful of tests continuing to come back normal, they’ll blame my anxiety and depression and I’ll continue to suffer. Thanks for listening. + +",Anxiety +35399,"Anyone have a brief few minutes in the morning where their symptoms abate? I notice that for maybe 20 minutes in the morning it's as if i'm not concentrating as hard on my body and I feel almost normal. + +My current concern has been strange skin sensations, like tingling, crawling and prickling - I'm worrying about it a lot, but in the morning it doesn't seem to be there for a short while.",Anxiety +35400,"Worried about my eyesight I suffer from visual snow (I see a layer of static on my vision, especially on dark surfaces, and have a hard time seeing in dimmer light) and while it's okay enough for me to ignore it most of the time, recently it's been taking all of my attention. I feel like it's gotten worse and fear that I have some sort of disease that makes my retina deteriorate, and it's just gonna keep getting worse until I'm blind. I scheduled an appointment to have it checked out, but it's in a few weeks time. Part of me suspects I'm just anxious about my future but it's really hard to distract myself since most activities involve using my eyes and I'm obsessovely checking if my field of view has gotten worse, or look for macular degeneration symptoms. I'm gonna bring the subject up with my therapist but in the meantime some voices of reason wod be greatly appreciated...",Anxiety +35401,"Afraid of hospital infection Well, I do not want to rationalize my fear of hospital infection; however, if we look at the stats, hospital infection rates are significantly higher than before. I will have an arthroscopic knee debridement surgery, the procedure just needs two 4-8 mm incisions basically. Usually, patient would be discharged after a few hours of waking up or stay one night at hospital in some cases. I know in every surgery there is a chance of infection and I know that my surgery is one of the easiest surgeries available too. However, I am really afraid to get an hospital infection. I had 4 surgeries before, but the nearest one was 7 years ago when I was 17 years old. I am almost 5 inches taller(6""4') and 100 pounds heavier now(300lbs currently). I mean when we put all those things together, these make me anxious. To sum up: +I am really scared of hospital infection even though my surgery is pretty easy and incisions will be just 8 mm max. +I am slightly afraid of anesthesia since my body changed a lot in last 7 years. +What are your thoughts? +Thank you guys! +Have a great sunday! ",Anxiety +35402,"Would rather die from almost anything than a heart attack Not sure why, can anyone relate? I’ve had over 100 panic attacks related to my heart and I just can’t get past the feeling of having a heart attack and knowing death is just around the corner. I would rather die in an explosion or something than have to experience an actual heart attack...",Anxiety +35403,weird aching pain in left side of chest i can't tell if it's breast pain or not but there's this weird achy feeling in the left side of my chest it's not that painful but it is really annoying it was happening last night and now it's happening again should i be worried? ,Anxiety +35404,"Ingested bloodworms So last night with the help of heavy metal and alcohol I made the stupid decision of eating bloodworms my roommate is using as food for his fish. He told me they were safe for human consumption, and I just recklessly took his word for it. Googling it today, I’m getting some mixed messages. Should I see a doctor? Are they parasitic?",Anxiety +35405,"I'm afraid to have any tests done so I don't go to the doctor Hi, things aren't going well + + +I don't know if this is health anxiety related but I have a problem with having any tests done. Where it's not health anxiety is that I know I don't live a healthy lifestyle. My cholesterol was 230 in 2015. I haven't been tested since. I couldn't deal with a diagnosis. I barely make it day to day with my depression and yet I've already diagnosed myself with type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, Grave's disease, sometimes bowel OR colon cancer (sometimes I have bloody stool), a permanent heart defect that I'm convinced I have from taking too much immodium (poor man's methadone) back when I was addicted to opiates. I honestly think I'm dying and I'm only 30. But even though I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, I am sure I have most of those things because my body is slowly turning itself on me. + + +But I think I'd rather die than be diagnosed with anything. I know that sounds insane but I've battled mental health and then later addiction for most of my life. I don't have enough to live for if I have some terrible disease. There would be no real support network. So I don't want a diagnosis if I know I'd rather die than have to deal with it. :-(",Anxiety +35406,"Adrenaline surges all day Recently, I have been getting that feeling all day of when you get scared like your stomach drops and you get the rush, which I believe to be my adrenal glands firing but I could be wrong. What happens next is my brain starts to think that it’s my adrenal glands so naturally I start having pain in my kidney area .. dealing with these rushes all week.. now that it’s settled down it feels for like muscle pain where I perceive the kidneys to be even located. Is my mind playing tricks on me? I’m worried that it’s like adrenal fatigue or something but every time I go to the doctor they just say it’s stress. Meditation, positive affirmations, and yoga have been helping.",Anxiety +35407,"Worried about Toxic Shock Because I’m an irresponsible idiot Thursday I started my period - no big deal there. Friday night my husband and I went out to grab drinks and dinner to celebrate his new job. I had put a tampon in and since it was a light one completely forgot and we had sex. Neither or us felt the tampon probably due to alcohol. Saturday morning comes and I’m off running errands. I put a tampon in on top of the one already in there bc I never sleep with a tampon in so It was habit. I changed it normally throughout the day. When I got into bed at 11pm Saturday night I had a weird feeling I left my tampon in from Friday. I go to the bathroom and I had. I removed it, put a pad on and went to sleep. Now I’m worried sick I’ve got Toxic Shock Syndrome. + +SO yesterday I’m tired which honestly probably was due to a busy weekend and the fact that I get up at 4 am M-F for work. Last night I was nauseous and dizzy falling asleep. However I had just remembered those were symptoms of TSS then started having them. This morning I felt some nausea and a headache. I get frequent headaches from sleeping like an idiot with my neck, but I’m worried because it’s together. Logically the nausea is the fact that I’m presenting to the entire leadership team today at work, but of course I go back to I just have TSS and this is the beginning. I’m so worried and now I’m afraid I’ll blow this presentation. I just started a new role so my health insurance doesn’t kick in until April. I would absolutely go to the doctor or ER if I was certain I had TSS and not just bad anxiety. ",Anxiety +35408,"Routine eye checkup for first pair of glasses revealed cotton wool spot Or at least, that's what the optometrist said it most likely was. I've been suffering from astigmatism and double vision since I briefly took accutane, and then a week before my followup appointment, my right eye developed a large curved floater in my peripheral vision. It flashes blue in response to bright lights, sometimes it even flashes when I'm laying in bed with my eyes closed. + +I mentioned it at my appointment, got my right eye dilated, and boom... white spot in my nerve layer. Didn't have it on my checkup 12 days prior. He said it was nothing to really worry about, but classified it as most likely being a cotton wool spot, which is usually found in people with hypertension and/or diabetes. Told me it'd most likely work itself out, but to come back in a month. If it's not better by then, off to my doctor for bloodwork. + +Great. I've hardly been able to sleep at all...have therapy today, forgot what time it's at, and I'm obsessing over my eye. I'm not even excited for the glasses anymore. Hopefully this is a freak occurrence and not diabetes or something worse. ",Anxiety +35409,"Different Muscle Spasm Sensation While trying to go to sleep last night, I noticed a different type of muscle twitch/spasm in my thigh. I say it's different because any other time I felt a spasm I can see the muscle twitch. It's usually happened in my shoulder/upper arm in past. This one is in my thigh but it feels more like a cellphone vibration that's been coming and going intermittently. I'm a fairly active, muscular guy who's been focusing on running alot. In the past, when I neglect the gym for a few days I've noticed these things happen. I know it's hard to diagnose something like this and I'm most likely overreacting but I've become overly sensitive of new or noticeable indifferences over the years. + + Thanks for any input!",Anxiety +35410,"32 female upper back pain and chest pressure Of course delete if this doesnt belong here. As title suggests I've been experiencing upper back pain (between the shoulder blades) and chest pressure with palpitations for about 8 days now. Some fatigue but no other symptoms. Went to ER on Friday, they did urine and blood samples and a chest xray. All clear. Sent me home with a prescription for Tecta and said it was acid reflux. It very well could be of course, but I've struggled with acid reflux a lot in the past and it doesn't feel like this and has never exhibited itself in the form of upper back pain. Taking pain meds doesn't really relieve the pain and it lasts all day and is worse near the evenings/night. I found taking a hot bath and a massage from my husband can relieve symptoms temporarily (20 mins tops) but it always creeps back. I'm 32 female, 5'1 102lbs, eat relatively well but get little exercise. I am also a long time smoker. Obviously that last point is the most concerning. My GP is generally very dismissive and I don't feel she's going to be much help. Any information at all would be extremely appreciated.",Anxiety +35411,"[Dark Joke Warning] How I beat my health anxiety with one simple trick. I developed depression, so not too afraid of dropping dead any moment",Anxiety +35412,"Hit my head on car trunk and caused my health anxiety to soar Im a 22 year old male and I hit my head Saturday afternoon on my car tailgate right before I went to go fish with some friends. It was the very top of my head but more towards my left side. Don’t really think it caused many problems other than hurting because I was still able to fish and remember when it happened and the events after it happened (didn’t blackout or whatever). Later Saturday night I felt my head and realized that it actually got cut and it’s looks kind of like a small raspberry-type injury about the size of a dime maybe smaller. + +Anyways this caused me to become a huge hypochondriac and elevated my anxiety as I began to think about brain bleeds and what not. My pupils never became dilated and I’ve just had a minor headache which could possibly be due to stress/anxiety but the pressure is in my face (eyes and nose area). The place where I hit is still sore and has the common goose-egg. I’ve got a unrelated doctors appointment Friday and wanted to know if y’all thought I would be fine until then. I also wanted to ease my mind about brain bleeds and how common they were with an injury like mine? Haha hopefully this doesn't make me sound crazy, my anxiety has just been running rampant lately. Thank you in advance everyone",Anxiety +35413,"I tried this and it worked Now I don't think it would've worked right when the anxiety started today but by the end of the day I was so sick of the panic, nausea, warm rushes, and racing thoughts while trying to act normal in front of my kids. I just said screw it, I'm going to stop fighting it and reasoning with myself why I'm fine and shouldn't be anxious and let it wash over me. It actually worked! I'm so much calmer now I might actually sleep tonight which never happens on bad days. I hope this can help others. I found this article which explains better than me. + +https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/anxiety-wont-kill-you + + + +",Anxiety +35414,"Cannabis Carts are publicly known to have pesticides in them recently and I just found out I really hope I’m in the right place for this +I’m a 20 year old male 6’2” 140lbs and I have smoked no less than 3 and no more than 6 grams of the cartridge brands in question in the last 3 months. I have been having occasional random (brief) pains in various places on my chest and stomach. My left arm also has felt “tingly” but hasn’t actually gone to sleep. These symptoms have been going on for 2 weeks. I have thrown away the cart (as of yesterday) but I keep reading and seeing stuff about heated pesticides being like “nazi gas” and I have been dealthy afraid of whats going to happen to me. I can’t tell my family because they don’t know I smoke anymore (after getting in trouble 3 years ago and “stopping”. KARMA right) I don’t really know what my question is, I’m just unable to focus on my schoolwork or home life because I’m constantly thinking about my body and listening for a warning bell that this is gonna be the pain that sends me to the hospital. Can I detox without going to a doctor and be okay??",Anxiety +35415,"(TW: mention of suicidal behaviour) anyone with health anxiety who used to suicidal or still is even? A little long, TLDR at end. + +I don’t have many people to talk about health anxiety with as I don’t know many people in my real life who deal with it. Or at least who are open about dealing with it. + +A few years ago I got diagnosed with Somatic Symptom Anxiety after I went to the hospital with chest pain and difficulty breathing but it turned out to be a result of weeks of severe anxiety and stress building up and manifesting in some physical symptoms which at that point I didn’t even know could happen. I was paired up with a free psychologist from the hospital who dealt with SSA but unfortunately I really didn’t like him and at the time didn’t respect my diagnosis either. I felt discouraged that I had went to the hospital with real symptoms and worry (my dad has a sudden cardiac arrest in his sleep due to a genetic heart condition - they have not found it in me yet - but we still keep a close eye on my heart) so in a way I didn’t feel validated and thought they weren’t understanding me. It took me over a year to finally accept it and realize that I do get very anxious around the thought of loosing health and death. + +A few months after all this I started university and was set up with the counsellor there. They turned out to be great and very helpful. Anyway, they really helped me dive into myself and get some better understanding of my anxiety. They also helped me realize something which is why I’m making this post. + +I had been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I’m currently 27 but when I was about 7-24 I remember constantly thinking about suicide. I always had a plan. I had attempted it a few times as a teen but wasn’t successful. Luckily I was able to get help and turn my life around and start to actually value life. I still had some times where I thought my life is so hard or this is it or my life is getting so disastrous that I should just end it. Now I find myself valuing life, enjoying being alive, and worrying about death/losing my health. I used to be so at peace with the thought of dying and saw it as an escape. And now it absolutely terrifies me to the point it affects my day to day life. + +I sometimes still have suicidal thoughts that cross my mind but I’m in a good place in my life and truly believe that I have put it past me for now. Sometimes I worry if something big or tragic happens in my life I’ll be back to feeling that way but currently I’m good. + +During the time I was suicidal I never did anything that has caused permanent damage (as far as I can tell so far), but I definitely wasn’t living a healthy lifestyle. I’ve struggled with addiction and substance abuse that I have recently gotten a hold on but know it could be too late for some damages the substances can do (mostly alcohol) but I am trying my best to live healthily and make sure my body has what it needs to recover. I think this fuels my health anxiety too. + +I will obsess over a symptom and convince myself this is it. Oh you’re finally enjoying life? Well too bad, it’s soon over. + +I know mental health and illness is complicated , everyone’s different, they often intertwine, and more. But I’m curious to know if anyone else has similar thoughts about this or any really. + +Thank you for taking the time to read and consider this. + +*TLDR*: Was suicidal as a younger person, seems to be gone now, but since I am enjoying life and feeling guilt about how I used to life I feel it just fuels and fuels my health anxiety. Wondering if anyone has similar experiences to share?",Anxiety +35416,"I can't remember a day when I wasn't worried about dying... Hi all: + +I'm a 26yo male that's been suffering from health anxiety for pretty much ever it seems. I've run the gauntlet of tests, doctor visits, and scans with my results always coming back negative, yet I'm never satisfied. I always have this sneaking suspicion I'm the 0.1% that is sick and doctors cannot diagnose. + +For the past 2.5 years I've had a swollen lymph node ~1cm on the side of my neck, and lower on my neck I can feel multiple squishy, tinier lymph nodes. I've had ultrasounds many times, and even a biopsy for a swollen node in my groin that came back negative for anything strange. Today I found a swelling in my armpit and now I'm in crisis mode once again. + +Every day with this feels like a battle; I must constantly convince myself that I'm healthy when deep down, part of me believes I'm not. Every time I think I've made progress it all comes rushing back in like the tide and I'm completely derailed again. I'm so fed up with this and it's clearly no way to live. I never think about the future at all because I can't picture lasting long enough to have a future. + +I know this is kind of a rambling wall of text, I just needed to get this out somewhere because everyone I talk to in my personal life just tells me what to do to feel better. To change my thoughts, to eat healthier, to be more active, yet when these thoughts occur it's like I'm completely overwhelmed and I don't feel like I have a choice. + +I guess that's it.",Anxiety +35417,"Can we talk about poop for a second? 💩 Hey everyone, + +The past year I have found that each time I go to the toilet, I pass half of my stools well formed and then there is a ""pocket"" of gas that happens and is hard to push out, followed by softer stools. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this type of thing regularly? ",Anxiety +35418,"Shaft Ring too tight...worried Used a rubber ring, the kind that just goes around the penis shaft that I purchased for erection quality (a problem also caused by anxiety) but it was way too tight and very painful so I took it off as quickly as possible. Could intense squeezing like this for a minute cause any permanent damage? I didn't have any noticeable bruising or pain after and the doctor didn't see anything wrong but I am still worried. Any thoughts would be appreciated ",Anxiety +35419,"How many of you have been triggered by lymph nodes? So I have lived most of my life with anxiety, always taking new faces. On december my uncle died of ALS, and shit was rough, part because he was an amazing uncle and part because that illness is awful. Ever since then I have been suffering health anxiety and just now I am realizing that's what I am feeling. + + + + +In this time I have been convinced that: + + + +* I have ALS, because fuck yeah I do have all the symptoms. + + + +* I have a tumor on my head, my long time sinuses problems are caused by it, also as any other new gen kid my sight has develop some wear and my right eye has astigmatism and myopia, which is normal. + + + +* Last but not least, I have been touching my lymph nodes for fucking 2 months, and they ""don't go away"", which my ENT already said was a normal stuff for me. + + + + +Just now I realized maybe lymph nodes are never that small that if you push hard on your skin they won't be felt, it's said a lymph node with a 1 cm diameter is normal. So I have been probably just pushing real hard on my neck that I always find them ""swollen"".",Anxiety +35420,"Hard lump in penis and doctor diagnosed as a cyst with no ultrasound or biopsy I discovered a hard lump in the middle of my penis. It seems pretty deep/internal (like close to the urethra) and not close to the skin. I have no pain and no symptoms, except a minor case of vitiligo (loss of skin pigmentation) on my penis that started developing within the last year. No STDs. I saw my doctor and I feel like he brushed it off too easily. He said it's most likely a cyst, showed me a picture of an epidermoid cyst during his explanation, and said he just wants to monitor it (follow-up in 6 months) and take no further action (no ultrasound, biopsy, etc). My medical record was updated to say it's a cyst. + +It's the VA and I don't know what their deal is but I guess they try hard to avoid unnecessary diagnostic procedures. I just don't view it as unnecessary and expected him to order an ultrasound. I pushed back a little said it felt like gambling; the doc responded by saying the odds are against anything serious like penile cancer, I'm too young (31) and further action is unnecessary. On top of that, it's a resident who saw me, who had to confer with an attending for guidance/final approval, and the attending never saw me. The resident seemed inclined to order an ultrasound until he spoke to the attending who put the kibosh on that. + +I acknowledge the odds of cancer are low, I just wonder what would happen if they encountered someone who had a genuine case of early-stage penile or urethral cancer. They'd be less likely to catch it at an early stage because they'd wait until it's symptomatic by bleeding, or blocking the urethra, etc. The potential negative consequences for them are nil, and the patient is the one who would be subjected to a penectomy or worse if it turned out they were too complacent. What a nightmare that would be. + +Does my irritation seem justified or am I making too big a deal of it?",Anxiety +35421,"Read this if you’re under 35 and worried about pancreatic cancer. Figured this might be useful info with the news of Alex Trebek (78 years old). + +Stats Canada: “From 2011 to 2013, new cases identified prior to the age of 35 were diagnosed at a rate of 0.2 per 100,000 persons.” + +That’s a 0.0002% chance... considerably less than getting killed by lightning (0.0006%). + +I actually managed to convince myself I had this condition, I spent too much time researching symptoms and not looking at the actual statistics. Figured this might help some. +",Anxiety +35422,"Can severe anxiety cause extreme apathy and memory loss? I'm worried about dementia because I cannot hold conversations properly or follow plots, and even remembering easy things as where I put my phone is hard. I'm also pretty much apathetic and Lexapro does not appear to be helping. I read in some dementia websites that antidepressants not working is a sign of dementia. + +Ah, I'm 23 years old.",Anxiety +35423,"Possible Health Anxiety? Maybe Serious I don't even know whatever it is making me procrastinate. Basically like a year ago I fell off a horse (with a hat) on and landed on my head from about 4foot. I had a slight headache when I got off which was probably a concussion so I thought nothing of it. + +Anyway like a month or two ago I reminded myself of it and now I have just been having thoughts like ""Has this made me less intelligent"", ""Have I become dumber"". Anyway I was wondering if anyone else had ever experienced this. + +Thankyou.",Anxiety +35424,"L Theanine just wondering if anyone would wanna share their experiences with l theanine? speciallyin regards to dosage, frequency and effects. + +&#x200B; + +thanks!",Anxiety +35425,"Worried sick - lump on lower leg/ankle. Any idea what it could be? 23 year old female here. For the past month I’ve had a lump on my lower leg by my shin. At first it was red and felt just like a bruise when I touched it. Although I was a bit concerned at first because I do not usually bruise with a lump, I passed it off as one. Now one month later the lump is still there. What concerns me even more is how the pain has disappeared yet the lump and redness remains. Thoughts?",Anxiety +35426,"Health Anxiety flare-up Hey guys. I'm having a miserable time lately. Just some background: I'm a generally healthy 32 year old female. My HA is out of control the last few months. It started in December when I got a (possible?) eczema patch/dry skin on my cheek after a bad cold. I was convinced it was precancerous or the beginning of rosacea. It eventually went away with moisturizing. Didn't stop me from googling the crap out of it, and worrying, and asking my husband to look at it and reassure me. He of course was thrilled with this 😜 + +Around that time in December, I started to eat a big salad everyday/just upped my veggie intake in general to help lose more weight. This made me gassy, and gave me loose stools. At the beginning of January, I started having some soft, thin stools. This has continued off and on. I have mostly normal stools, but if I go more than once a day, my second is sometimes narrow. This has really scared me, and caused a ton of googling, and symptom checking. + +Yesterday, I noticed a few small streaks of bright red blood on my normal stool toward the end of it. It happened again today with my first bowel movement. I spent pretty much all day yesterday googling, and trying to get a look at what I think is a hemorrhoid. I'm just freaking out. Of course, I'm scared I have cancer. I have an appt with a PCP tomorrow morning re: the blood, which I'm really nervous about. I'm the kind of HA sufferer that hates going to the doctor. + +I also just found out I'm pregnant again (with my third) yesterday, I'm about 4 weeks. I haven't told my husband yet. I'm of course worrying about whatever horrible GI disease I may have, and the impact on this pregnancy. + +I started therapy for HA about a month ago. My therapist had told me I need to stop googling and reassurance seeking, but it's so hard, especially with the onset of a scary symptom. Feeling like a failure for googling and symptom checking so much lately. Anyway, I just wanted to share with some people who probably get what I'm going through. ",Anxiety +35427,"Nightly chest tightness For the last week and a half I have had uncomfortable chest tightness occurring only at night. I feel fine during the day (aside from the normal anxiety I have), but around 6-8pm every night I will begin to feel this pressure in my chest almost like someone is sitting on me or I have a tight band strapped around me. I feel the pressure mainly in the center to right side of my chest. Laying on my back/side seems to give a little relief. My breathing is ok but it feels like I should be having trouble breathing l (if that makes sense?). + +I am able to go to the gym and lift weights with no issues, it’s not until late in the day the tightness shows up. + +Has anyone else had a similar issue? I’m hoping it’s only anxiety since it presents with no other symptoms and goes away by the next morning. + +Thank you!",Anxiety +35428,"Waiting for fine needle aspiration results I had a fine needle aspiration on a lymph node on my neck 2 weeks ago, I just got a letter through the post about a consultation in a month (so waiting 6 weeks in total for results). + +I rang the hospital and gave my information and they asked the Ent secretary, who said they won't give me my results over the phone. I also have severe anxiety so waiting 6 weeks, well after 2 I'm already going kind of insane about it, I'd rather know if there is something wrong or not and be able to prepare myself instead of being in a state of limbo... + +Anyone else had to wait until their appointment to find out results? Were they good or bad? Just so I know if there is a chance I'll be fine. I guess this is also venting my frustration of waiting along with asking for advice... ",Anxiety +35429,"Help, IDK if this is the right reddit, but I don't know if I will get rabies because of this... ... and if you know another reddit for this shit, feel free to share. + +You see I just pet a beagle an hour ago at the time this shows up. I just like peting then every now and then , and the owners don't mind so I pay them sometimes. Just this time the beagle got a bit jelous and then all a sudden I just felt something warm and ,BANG, I saw a small red spot on where that little bastard bit me and now I'm scared. I looks like it did not penetrate the skin(?) but it stings a bit. I immediately sprinted to my home and wash it with antibacterial soap just in case cuz I'm not sure if this is real!!!! + +The anxiety is killing me, my sibling , who got scratch by a cat and got a tetanus shot for it, just told me 'GG' after I told him about the incident. And I don't want to tell my mom cuz she'll go ham on me and go the Beagle's Owner's House of any case something happened to me. And were broke right now so we can't even afford such a shot. + +Tl;dr- Got bitten by a dog and now the anxiety is now slowly killing me😨😨😨 + +Now for the question: Am I gonna fucking due?!?!?!? + +Btw, I'll give you the pic in the next update, tnx😢😢😢😢",Anxiety +35430,Terrified to go for an MRI For the past two months I’ve had a slight ringing in my ears. My doctor called for MRI which is this Saturday. I am so scared to go incase they find a tumour that is causing it. I’m going away in April for 2 weeks and am wondering if it’s a cop out if I wait until after my vacation to get the test done ? I’ve felt this way about many tests and they have always ended positively with a sense of relief but something about them looking at my brain is absolutely terrifying to me! Should I go or put it off?! ,Anxiety +35431,"I have an appointment with yet another specialist next week, and I feel like it's not even worth it because my symptoms are probably all in my head. I have had so many little health issues over the years that I worked up with my anxiety. Googling things constantly, always asking the doctor about every little thing. Every single damn time, I end up at a specialist and get a bunch of expensive tests just to find out nothing's wrong. It's all in my head. + +I have an appointment with an allergist next week to find out what caused a bad reaction... But now, all I can think is that the reaction was not real. It was probably just a panic attack. I'm sure all the tests will come back normal again, and I'll be left with regret and a big bill as I'm reminded that I'm still just a hypochondriac.",Anxiety +35432,"Tips to *NOT* google symptoms? At this point it's become almost automatic. The second I feel something even a little bit off, my fingers go to the ""new tab"" button, and I start typing whatever I'm feeling in the search bar. + + +Does anybody have any tips or helpful advice for ways to avoid doing this? ",Anxiety +35433,"I hate this stupid disease. My HA first manifested itself when I was a freshman in college. I felt a coldness in my chest on the way home for a weekend (probably a flare up of the anxiety I didn’t know I had, triggered after moving away from home for the first time, dealing with college life and new workload, homesickness, my parents moved from my respective childhood homes, first childhood pet died, etc). + +I googled my symptoms and that’s where it all went downhill. Heart attack. All of the sudden I was sweating, shaking, chills, feeling of doom, lightheaded, I truly felt I was going to die. To the point I told my mom not to be sad when I inevitably died. + + +Later that night I had a two hour long panic attack. I begged my boyfriend to drive an hour to where I was to take me to the hospital to which he obliged. I missed my sister’s college graduation party sitting in the hospital getting laughed at and joked on by the doctors and nursing staff. “Did your boyfriend break up with you recently?”, “Are you on your period honey?”. + +Subsequently that semester I went to the emergency room two other times. One doctor gave me an emergency script for Paxil. Never filled it. Never wanted to. + +Went to a cardiologist, my pediatrician, gastroenterologist, got an endoscopy, etc. I even slept at the foot of my dad’s bed for a week because I thought He could save me if I died. turns out I’m a perfectly healthy 21 year old, which is great until I started searching “healthy 21 year old surprise heart attack” and other similar things. + +The anxiety subsided after about 8 months. A few months later it resurfaced when I convinced myself I had bed bugs in my apartment. Called the bug people 5 times, hired private bug people (instead of my apartment ones), stayed with my mom for a few weeks, begged my best friend to move. No bed bugs. + +Eventually I healed from that two and recently (random itching and a few colds) has convinced me I had lymphoma. A headache recently convinced me I had brain cancer or MS. A bruise on the back of my leg has convinced me I have a deep vein thrombosis for the last three weeks. + + +My anxiety has caused me to have a slew of unimaginable PHYSICAL symptoms: +Arm and leg pain +Itchy skin +Chest pain +Tingling +Numbness +Panic +Sweating +Shivering +Rashes +Stomach pain +Twitching muscles +Headaches +Heavy head +Pins and needles +Back pain +Joint pain +Susceptibility to more colds and flus +Mood swings +fatigue +Lack of appetite +Increased appetite +Missed periods + +I hate this terribly debilitating disease. A disease most people will never understand. Convinced my family and friends don’t believe me and don’t trust me and don’t take me seriously, convinced the doctors must be missing something, convinced I’ll be that rare case that dies at 21 from a heart attack. + +The worst part? I’ve been doing well, healing. Taking care of myself. It always comes out of no where. Three months of stress, no symptoms. A month later it all catches up to me. + +When will I stop being a slave to health anxiety? Checking, poking, prodding, literally self inflicting bruises all over me from constantly pressing on my body parts to check them for changes, pain, sensations. + +Please give me your success stories and small victories😭 +",Anxiety +35434,Kidney disease/damage? Freaking out a little right now because I noticed my pee had bubbles in it. Was a bit skeptical but i just decided to flush the toilet but the bubbles came back. Could this be something else or should i go to the doctor to get this checked out?,Anxiety +35435,"Hardcore Health Anxiety (lymph nodes, etc) My first health anxiety type was brain tumor. Then it was lung cancer, throat cancer, breast cancer (I am male, 21), testicle cancer, then again lung cancer, again breast cancer. After that it was lung cancer again then once I found out what lymph nodes are, I started to search for them and found multiple. Wow. Couldn't get worse. + +Couple months ago I would press hard on my ribs to feel if something hard that I felt is actually a rib or lymph node. I would spend hours rubbing ribs. It caused so much pain. + +It's been 3 years since I started to worry about lymph nodes and what gives me a huge relief is a thought ""if it was something cancerous, I would for sure have more symptoms, which I dont"". + +I am 21, male, gained 16 kilograms in the past 2 years, went to gym, etc. and I don't think I could do that if I had a terminal illness",Anxiety +35436,"Been Working Through “Red Herrings” With my Therapist and It’s Been Helpful for Managing my HA Hi all, I wanted to share my recent success with managing my HA. I’ve had lifelong depression and have been in therapy for years now. Tried several medications and none have worked for me. + +Though my main problem is depression, every once in a while, I switch to anxiety for a few months, and that’s when the HA kicks in. I’m in one of those cycles now. + +During my last appointment, my therapist brought up the concept of “Red Herrings.” They’re basically problems that people manifest as a sort of poorly managed coping mechanism for another problem that’s harder to process. + +The most common example of this is an eating disorder. Very often, the main problem at the core of a person with an eating disorder isn’t their body, it’s the sexual abuse they suffered, or their toxic mother, or the constant pressure they feel put upon them, etc. + +In a way, the red herring can give you something to focus on that’s easier to process than the more abstract pain that is often the causes of our mental illness. + +For me, we’re exploring the possibility that my HA is a red herring. + +My current homework is to practice mindfulness and pinpoint what I have been thinking about when the hypochondria rears its head, and also to let myself experience whatever pain I’m feeling. + +We often try to avoid or push aside negative feelings like sadness and fear by distracting ourselves with a glass of wine, or binging a tv show, and sometimes you just need that, but she’s challenged me to try and just let myself experience those negative emotions. Because pain and fear and sadness are parts of life, and while they’re uncomfortable, they’re also okay. It’s OKAY to feel bad sometimes, and letting those feelings have their moment can actually help you. + +So, anyway, sorry for the rant. I’ve been practicing this for a little while now, and it’s been actually helping me. Anxiety still comes and goes, but it’s much better than it has been. + +I’m not a psychologist, and I’m not claiming this is a cure for everyone (or even myself), I just wanted to share my recent experience. Maybe someone could get some comfort from it!",Anxiety +35437,"Your first panic attack... Think back to the time you experienced or started experiencing your first anxiety induced panic attack(s)-- the shock and debilitation from not knowing or understanding what is going on with you and the lack of control you feel over your own body in trying to identify it to make it better-- If you could go back in time to that first experience, and sit down beside that person, knowing what you know now about your relationship with anxiety, what would you say? ",Anxiety +35438,"Lower Back Pain then Left Hip Pain Hey guys, i have this lower back pain when i wake up in the morning yesterday. i just ignored it then today when i wake up, i got a hip pain. i am worried that it might be something. i recently had urethritis. im thinking that it might be from urethritis complications. ",Anxiety +35439,"(With picture) Long standing white sore on tonsil causing ear pain and discomfort (should I be worried?) Here is photo: [https://imgur.com/a/ILiQNNC](https://imgur.com/a/ILiQNNC) (warning. picture of tonsils. could be disturbing for some) + +White sore located at the top region of my tonsil. Had to use q-tip to see it hidden behind the flap of skin (opening of throat.) + +I have ear discomfort and throat discomfort when I swallow. + +MORE INFO: I'm 25. I had throat discomfort on one side of throat for 5 months (brushed it off because I couldn't afford a doctor visit.) It felt worse recently, so I looked into my throat and searched around to discover a sore a few days ago. I don't think it's a tonsil stone. Not sure about a canker sore either. I'm worried sick that it could be tonsil cancer. I DO have a doctor visit tomorrow, thankfully. But I'm still worrying myself sickly. Any advice?",Anxiety +35440,"My story with HA & what has helped me! Hello, hello! Long-time lurker, first time poster. I first came to this sub like most of you, looking for other people who have experienced similar symptoms/reassurance. When I kept searching around, though, and reading people's posts about how they overcame their HA, that actually ended up helping me more than anything else. I've made a lot of progress in the past few months (much of it thanks to advice I've read in this sub!), so I thought I'd share some things that help me and a little bit about my story. + +I first started noticed my anxiety around health in my early 20s. I would take dozens upon dozens of pregnancy tests, convinced that they were all wrong and that I was pregnant anyway (even though I was on birth control at the time). I'd have headaches and get an MRI. etc. etc. You all know how it goes. I would Google myself into a hole until my anxiety was so bad that I started manifesting other physical symptoms. Then I convinced myself that those physical symptoms were also related to whatever I thought was wrong with me in the first place. It was a vicious, endless, painful cycle and I could not get myself out of it. It would go away but sure enough, when my life was stressful, it would happen all over again. + +A few months ago I had a panic attack in a cab on a way to a work meeting because I thought I was having a stroke and it was so bad that I had to get out of the car. I decided right then and there that I had to fix this thing. So, I tried changing some things. + +* I do. not. Google. symptoms. ever. I'm talking EVER. I put a note on my computer to remind me and everything. I do not do it. If I am feeling the urge to do it, I distract myself with a podcast or another task (I am online all day for my job, so if I can do this, anyone can). +* I remind myself that when you Google a symptom, you are asking Google's algorithm to show you the worst case scenario. And that is the result you are always going to get. +* I actually go to my annual doctor's appointments. I used to be so anxious about medical issues that I would avoid check-ups altogether. Now when I am having a minor symptom, I remind myself that I just went to the doctor and my tests/bloodwork were all fine. This helps. +* If a symptom persists for more than a few days, I make an appointment and I go. 99.9% of the time whatever symptom I was wanting to Google disappears within a day. +* I read this somewhere on here and it really helps. Whenever I'm *not* feeling anxious (or sometimes when I am, if I can focus), I try to sit completely still and really appreciate all the sensations my body is feeling that I usually ignore. It helps to put my other ""symptoms"" in perspective. There are millions of things going on in your body at all times. Obviously sometimes you're going to notice something every now and then. That doesn't mean you're dying. +* This one is what I struggle with the most but I REALLY try to not scroll through my phone before bed. Putting it on airplane mode and reading a book instead has done literal wonders for my mental health. + + +I hope this helps someone! I still struggle with this often, but these tips have really helped me, so I hope they help you too. I'm happy to answer any and all questions anyone might have.",Anxiety +35441,"19f low heart rate So I have a lot of anxiety about my heart rate. it has always been about it being too high, I'm always freaking out over high heart rate. never once did it occur to me that it could be too low, because that was never a problem for me. a few weeks ago I was sitting down listening to music with friends. I looked at my fitbit (which I constantly check for accuracy and it is usually a max of 3 beats off) and my heart rate was 54. I got up and I felt super heavy and drained and had zero energy, but I forced myself to walk around and stand up for a while to increase my heart rate. I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Disorder. usually when I stand up my heart rate shoots up a fair bit. But I was walking around and standing up and it only went to 56. so I forced myself to skip around. I barely could, I felt super heavy and all I wanted to do was submit to gravity and collapse. that made my heart rate go to 57. it took about half an hour to get to an okay place at 72 bpm sitting down. + +then last night, I laid down in bed and my bpm immediately sunk down to 52. I was up for three hours laying in bed bc I couldn't fall asleep over anxiety over my heart rate. I checked it on my fitbit and manually constantly and it was often hovering between 47 and 50. laying in bed typing this now after having stood up for a while it's 59. + +i am a 19 year old girl, 120 lbs. during the summer I'm moderately active but during the winter I am pretty darn sedentary. I booked an appt with my cardiologist, but that's for a few days yet. every time I started to fall asleep last night my mind jerked me back, convinced I was either passing out or dying. it's gonna be a anxious and sleepless few days. ",Anxiety +35442,"Just gotta say, today was really tough I recently got hired at a fast food restaurant and today was my third day of training. While my trainer was going over some things, I got this pain beneath my shoulder blade that felt really sharp when I breathed in. I started internally panicking, worried something was wrong and I was gonna mess up at my new job, because I didn’t want to leave early or make anyone worry, and I didn’t want to die in the bathroom, etc. I felt a panic attack starting, my chest felt heavy, and I felt so scared, I was convinced something was wrong with my lungs since it was hard to breathe as well. I managed to keep myself from having a panic attack and pushed through my shift, even though I got a bad headache for the last hour of it. I got home exhausted. I’m still scared that something is wrong with my lungs. Health anxiety is so incredibly exhausting. I hate waking up every day worrying about dying. It’s so hard just to work at this minimum wage job. It’s just really tiring. I feel like crying.",Anxiety +35443,"Lumps and bumps I just need somewhere to let this out. I have a skin disorder called hidradenitis suppurativa (HS). It’s pretty mild for HS, and the last few years it’s gotten much better. + +I have also noticed a couple of cysts. On the back of my head, my ankle, and on the batwing area of my arm. + +Doctors have looked at the cysts and told me they’re nothing to worry about, but I can’t stop worrying that it’s something else or that having these cysts means I’m developing others in dangerous spots- my brain or lungs. + +I stupidly looked up diseases that are cooccurring with hs- thinking it would make me feel better if I saw that people with HS are just more likely to develop some benign cysts- and it mentioned thyroid disorder (which I have) and lymphoma and heart disease (which I am constantly terrified about). + +Talk me down. Anyone else have stuff like this?",Anxiety +35444,"Worried about possible Petechiae So for the past few weeks I’ve been having these tiny, pinprick-sized red or sometimes brown dots appear on my skin. Of course the anxious side of my brain has decided that I’m dying of leukemia or some other cancer, even though I have no other symptoms that point towards it. + +What’s especially odd is that these spots appear in certain areas and then go away after a few days. The first time they appeared was on my right hand and arm after I spent the night with my girlfriend. After about two days they went away. Now there’s some of these little spots on my right foot and ankle, and seemingly nowhere else on my body. Anyone else have something like this occur? I’ll probably see my doctor in a few days and see what she thinks, but until then that anxious part of me is absolutely certain that I’m a dead man walking.",Anxiety +35445,"First post and I'm in a bad place. &#x200B; + +It feels like my esophagus has a lump inside of it. It feels like something is stuck and I am terrified. I have never posted here before and hate to add to the large number of posts here seeking reassurance but I'm really suffering. + + +Esophagus cancer was mentioned on the news last week and it has been on my mind since. Some of the symptoms I have had for a while. + +&#x200B; + +regurgitating food , chest pains, difficulty swallowing and in the last week it now feels like food is stuck down there, a lump in my throat feeling as well as further down. + +&#x200B; + +I've also started to feel like vomiting when I eat which has never happened before due to anxiety. I have however been experiencing intense anxiety the last couple of weeks. + +&#x200B; + +Health anxiety is new for me and my question is this: + +&#x200B; + +Can anxiety create symptoms to match the illness you fear? I am convinced my time is up and find it so hard to deal with this right now. ",Anxiety +35446,"Fear of Neurological disease because I suck at balancing on one leg with my eyes closed. Ok so I was reading online about the Rombergs test, where you stand with your two feet together and fold your arms then close your eyes. You are supposed to be able to do this for at least 20 seconds. I can do this fine. + +Then the Sharpened Rombergs test. +Stand with your heel to the big toe of the opposite foot (heel to toe) put your hands on your hips and close your eyes. You are supposed to be able to do this for 21-31 seconds. Sometimes I can do like 1.5 minutes, other times I can only do like 15 seconds. + +Then the big one. Standing on one leg with your eyes closed for 15-30 seconds. Stand on your good foot, lift the other foot while bending it, has to be at least 6 inches off the ground. + +I CANT DO IT. I struggle to get to 10 seconds. Sometimes I get 30 but that’s after like 4 tries. +My legs shake like crazy and I just fall to the side or else my knee gives way. + +This is scaring me as I’m only 22. :( ",Anxiety +35447,"Does anyone have HA about others, but not themselves Hey guys, I'm 21 years old and have had crippling anxiety and stress about my girlfriend for about the last year or so. I constantly obsess over the idea of us getting married one day and her dying before me, leaving me alone. This leads me to incessantly Google risk factors for all sorts of different diseases all the time. I talk to her about it but I feel like she's beginning to be irritated with the constant questions. I've had sleepless nights over the possibility of COPD/ lung cancer (her mother was a heavy smoker throughout her childhood. Dementia (she has anxiety and 3 childhood concussions from roughhousing). Diabetes (she is overweight). Rheumatoid arthritis (complained of knee pain, made her go in, wasn't ra). Heart conditions (her father has high blood pressure) I am consumed by this. I have effectively no fear about myself, I could care less what happens to me. I really just do not know how to beat this. I'm not even sure if I'm being irrational. Is anyone else in these shoes? Are my concerns justified?",Anxiety +35448,"My hypochondria has returned severely after a night of heavy drinking I basically remember having episodes of debilitating hypochondria since I was 16 all the way up to recently. Now I'm 23 and I have had a relatively health anxiety free year. Four nights ago I went out drinking with my friends and we all had a terrible experience, blacked out, awful hangovers with a whole lot of symptoms and it's brought back my hypochondria full force. + +Now I'm worrying about stupid things again like whether or not I inhaled too much of the spray cleaner I used because it'll give me lung cancer, or how I'm so anxious it'll give me heart problems, maybe a clot or a stroke, also is the food I eat tainted with some carcinogen, am I being poisoned by my environment, etc etc it's never ending. + +I am for the most part physically ok, some slight headache and nausea but so much better since that first day post drinking. Yet my mental state is now a mess. + +I don't know what I'm expecting of this, just needed to let it out. I don't want to go through this again. It's taken away so much from me already. ",Anxiety +35449,"I keep feeling my heartbeat either skip or flutter, and it chokes me everytime. I have had 2 ECG's so far and an echocardiogram about 3 weeks ago, and everything was normal. I'm just so confused and lost. I'm scared they missed something. + +Does anyone else experience this weird symptom? I don't know how to explain it. My heart just randomly skips a bit or flutters, and then it races afterwards. It chokes me when it happens. ",Anxiety +35450,"Convinced I have MS Hey. I can't seem to calm myself down right now... I've completely convinced myself I have MS.. my HA has been seriously terrible lately. I keep having panic attacks and I have embarrassingly broken down several times this past week at work. This post is long, I'm very sorry. + +I'm a 21 yo female. I've had health anxiety for nearly all my life. For the past few months I've had pain through my left buttock and leg. Went to Dr who said it was pinched sciatic nerve which completely makes sense (my dad has also had the same problem and it sounds exactly like what I have) anyway I still obsessed over it being a blood clot or something serious. Sometimes when I am very stressed, my arms tend to go weak and I shake. I also will feel numb in certain areas of my body. Recently though, the area around the left side of my mouth has felt weak/numb when I'm anxious. I always check in the mirror and it's not drooping or anything. It makes my anxiety go through the roof. I also am very aware of my speaking when this happens and I sometimes feel as if I slur my words. It never lasts very long and usually if I take anxiety medication it goes away fairly quick. However when googling this (I know, I can't keep googling things) like the first result is MS.. I can't shake it... Here are my other symptoms... + +-very tired. I did just start on two anxiety medications so I'm trying to attribute my tiredness to that. +-I'm constantly tense. My jaw is nearly always tight and my shoulders are always up to my ears. +-tight chest/feels like I'm short of breath frequently. I think I'm like.. slightly hyperventilating at all times. +-frequent nausea. +-blurry vision especially at night or after looking at my phone for a long time (having it now unfortunately) +-feeling disconnected +-dizzy when I'm extremely anxious +-i get very itchy on my thighs and on my arms. This has happened all my life. Usually if I'm wearing warm clothes, under a blanket, or I've just taken a hot shower (I've always had this and assumed dry skin but I learned that sometimes MS can cause hot itchiness that is often mirrored on the body) even worse, I noticed yesterday that in the places I've scratched really hard, I've even left small bruises and a few scratches. +-for as long as I can remember, I've had this thing where if I'm laughing really hard I lose my grip (can't hold a pencil or something) idk it's weird +-when I'm anxious (sometimes when I'm not) my hands shake +-ive always been pretty strong but for as long as I can remember, my arms shake like if I'm pouring a pitcher of water or something. +-i have also had excema on my hands for the last few years (Dr said due to stress and excessive hand washing which lines up) but it did start out mirrored +-I watched a video yesterday of a man who had been hardcore dealing with MS fears who went to the doctor and he was fine and all. He listed a few of his symptoms, a lot of which I shared. He also mentioned very weak muscles and twitching along with pins and needles in his limbs. I was thankful I hadn't really had any of that. But seriously just a few hours later, all these symptoms hit. Even worse today. My hands have been jittery the whole time I've typed this.. + + I know there are more symptoms. I'm sorry, this post is a mess. I'm seriously so scared. Lately all I can think about is my health. I'm finding it hard to do basic tasks and function normally. I'm sorry that this was so long. I just wondered if anyone else deals with this.",Anxiety +35451,"Dont know whats wrong with me I really can't believe all of this is just anxiety. I did get told I had pots at the hospital. I remember this first starting when I was pregnant and I had a fear of hiv/aids all of a sudden. I have had 4 or 5 std tests (one I did myself) and they are all clean. + +Then I felt some lymph nodes. I thought I had + +cancer + + anemia, + +h ploy. + + candida + +low vitamin d levels, + +kept thinking I was having a heart attack + +&#x200B; + +vision problems + +I did get dx with low blood pressure. + +I get constant headaches/ dizziness when I lay down and try to sleep. I have to elevate my feet. + +&#x200B; + +skin issues (seb derm, melasma, food allergies, depersonalization derealzation everything feels like a dream + +mental health issues (racing thoughts in the morning) + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +I keep searching for THE ANSWER ^(tm) and it is just one rabbit hole after another. + +yes I did go thought something traumatic and no I couldnt turn the fear off. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35452,"Betoning the symptoms you read about? Some time ago i was worried i had a heart diseasd, then i read about the symptoms and after i read about it i started having chest pains. For the last 2 months i have had a swollen lyntog node behind the left Ear and after i read about the symptoms i started having low grade fever, red cheeks, Night sweats sometimes and fatigue. Does anybody Else become there symptoms?",Anxiety +35453,I wish I could just be normal Like it'd be super cool if I could just experience a minor stomach flu without being consumed by fear that it's actually something much worse. Normal people don't go to the emergency room because they threw up twice and have a low grade fever. They put a trash can next to the bed and go to sleep. ,Anxiety +35454,"Afraid of sleeping Kept waking up this morning with sleep paralysis and felt like I was dying. I’ve had a headache for 4 days and I’m convinced I’m going to have an aneurysm in my sleep because I feel like I’m passing out every time I go to close my eyes and sleep. And If i do fall asleep and wake up , I know I’ll have hallucinations becaue I’m so anxious. I keep telling myself it’s anxiety but I’m not believing it. Not sleeping is just making everything worse and I feel hopeless. ",Anxiety +35455,"Twitching i’ve always had random twitches since i developed health anxiety and i’ve been able to dismiss it always, especially being that it’s been 6 years. (although, if i dismissed then and lowered my anxiety why did they remain?) and on thursday i just started having them consistently in my legs. thursday i was in a bad mood but, not that anxious? anyway it’s either that or random stinging pain. pain but, doesn’t really hurt at all. i’ve been to the gym, ran, whatever, all good but i’m still concerned about circulation issues or whatever, googling it all lol.",Anxiety +35456,"Freaking Out and Anxious - Please send good vibes I just turned 18 and so far this year has sucked. During my two month break from university, I got heart palpitations for the first time in my life. That led to a google fest for me. I thought it was over the next day and was ready to just move on when I got really bad stomach aches and chest pain. I went to the ER and they said I was fine. I decided to take a break from school to talk with my GP and he said I just had anxiety. Its been 2 months since then and while the stomach problems have mostly dissipated, I have started to notice random twitching all over my body along with headaches and some numbness in my middle finger. Today my left arm feels weak and sore. I am going to see my GP in a week but I am anxious. I feel like the boy who cried wolf at this point, while I feel like something is wrong, sometimes I feel unable to explain it properly. I'm trying not to actively thinking about these symptoms because I know anxiety has many effects but it I just can't rationalize that these symptoms are normal. I'm just holding on to the fact that there have been too many random symptoms within such a short amount of time for it too be some terrible illness.",Anxiety +35457,"Irrational fear of rabies So I know that my fear is irrational but I can’t stop thinking about it! + +At the beginning of January (I mean very beginning like 4th) I was at a store where the owner had two cats. The cat that bit was very friendly at first, was rubbing against my mom and I. My mom had playfully ruffled its head and it had swatted at her, I then went to pet it and it bit me! Looking back it the incident I know the cat was most likely just annoyed hence why it bit me. + +At the end of January I (mistakenly) decided to consult dr google about rabies. This seemed to set something off in my brain, that night I couldn’t sleep. I was terrified that I was going to die of rabies. I went to the doctors and received a tetanus shot and was told to call the owner. + +My mom called for me and the owner told her that since the cats are in a public place they have to be up to date on their shots. While this was reassuring at first, a day later I kept having what if’ thoughts. Such as “what if the lady was lying about about the cat being vaccinated” + +Either way it’s now March and I’m experiencing what I think is anxiety. Every time I think about my health, my chest tightens up and it feels like I can’t breath. I’m having awful muscle twitches in my legs, arms, and eyelids. I’m also having what I think is “pains” in my left arm (not the arm I was bit by the cat). And the newest thing is I’m getting horrible nausea to the point where I feel close to throwing up (and I haven’t thrown up in years). Even now I can’t help but wonder “what if I’m just having a long term incubation period” + +I guess I’m here looking for some reassurance that I’m not going crazy or dying slowly of rabies",Anxiety +35458,"Worried about stomach cancer Hi! 19 F here. For the past 6 months I get very nauseous very easily, especially after eating or when stressed. Since around November, I’ve started puking regularly. I’ll puke once a day for maybe a week, then be fine for a week. During bad episodes I puke anywhere from 3-7 times a day. I’ve been gaining weight since this happened. Haven’t vomited any blood (red color is from foods I have eaten). Diarrhea usually precedes the vomiting, and has a certain smell (smell only occurs in diarrhea RIGHT before I puke). Immediately after puking the nausea goes away until the next episode. Symptoms worsen before exams, presentations, stressful events. Ulcer has been ruled out. My brain is going straight to the assumption I could have cancer and I am terrified :(",Anxiety +35459,"Stomach issues I currently have some stomach issues that's making my HA flare up. + +&#x200B; + +It started 3 weeks ago when i felt nauseus after eating lunch, i then focused on this and started googling (bad idea) Then i started feeling bloated after eating and i was having early satiety, belching/burping and nausea. I had good and bad days but was mostly afraid of stomach cancer... however, after reading cancer statistics (only one person between 30 and 35 got stomach cancer last year here in Norway) I no longer have this concern. But the problems are still here. I went to the doctor on friday, he said it was reflux because of a weak muscle in my stomach and put me on Nexium 20mg for 4 weeks, so that my esophagus would heal.. I took this medication for two days and have stopped because of bad side effects (i got very bad nausea and diarrhea and stomach pain) + +&#x200B; + +I still have the following symptoms: Bloating and gas in stomach after eating, nausea and no appetite. I have lost some weight, but i have not eaten as much as i usually do. Is this Anxiety playing its tricks on me? Has anyone had similar experiences? ",Anxiety +35460,"Fuck lymph nodes I spent about two months completely paranoid about lymph nodes under my jaw before I discovered they were actually just part of the muscles in my neck. And now I've just discovered that a lymph node on the side of my neck is swollen despite feeling no symptoms at all and I'm freaking out all over again. You look on the internet and it's all HIV, cancer etc. + + I also live in a country where I can't speak the language and need someone with ID to help me go to the hospital, but I feel terrible about constantly asking my girlfriend to go when I don't even really feel physically ill just to discover it's apparently nothing. I've had health anxiety basically all my life but the past six months have been crazy.",Anxiety +35461,"Random headaches in the same place every time I’m too scared to google my symptoms so I’m asking here. + +I keep getting headaches one on side of my head, sort of around my left temple. I get short bursts of pain a few times a day and it’s been going on for over a week now. I think I drink enough water but I’ve been getting up earlier lately so am probably getting less sleep than usual. + +Has anyone experienced this before? What did the cause turn out to be? ",Anxiety +35462,"Red bump on perinium between scrotum and anus. (NSFW) I've had this sole, red bump on my perineum (between anus and scrotum) for at least a year or two now. It is less than half a centimeter wide. It is elevated and has loose, red skin hanging off it that can be ""flapped"" around. It was always painless, and I thought it was a skin tag, but it has recently begun to hurt slightly. It has never changed size as far as I can tell. + +I am 30 years old and male. + +I am not sexually active, and haven't had intercourse in 5 years. + +Here are pictures (NSFW): + +https://i.imgur.com/M8zXyc2.jpg + +https://i.imgur.com/QpUIxqP.jpg",Anxiety +35463,"Pain in left side of chest/Top of rib cage Does anyone else get a pain in the area like just below where the boob is/would be. I have had like a nagging pain there that comes and goes randomly most of the week and don’t know why. Of course the first thought is heart related because, 20 year olds have so many heart attacks. The logical part of my brain tells me it’s indigestion or I’m just backed up or something. But the terrible part of the brain says a heart attack is imminent. Just wondering if anyone has had similar experience and or have any tricks to prove to themselves that whatever it is your feeling is not a heart attack but more likely nothing serious at all. ",Anxiety +35464,I need help :( vertigo I don’t know what to do. Ever since the end of January this year I have been feeling totally off balance and at times dizzy like I’m going to throw up. It feels as though I’m on a boat that’s rocking and that the floor is uneven. It’s especially worse when I sit down or am lying down as it feels like someone is rocking me back and forth. I’ve been to the hospital where they said I had vertigo but gave me medication that didn’t help. I’ve been to the doctor who looked at me eyes and everything and said it was vertigo. I went to a naturopath who said he wasn’t sure what it was but it could be an effect of the 20 mg of cirpalex that I’m taking. I’m seeing a physical therapist who doesn’t think the vertigo is coming from my ear canal but rather stress and neck tension. The rocking has been so bad recently and it hasn’t stopped at all. I want to get an MRI and I genuinely believe I have a brain tumor. Please help I’m terrified and don’t know what to do ,Anxiety +35465,"Just a share I've been browsing here quietly for a good while and wanted to post just to share my HA experiences. + +I'm 29 - turning 30 at the end of the month - and have suffered from Health Anxiety for about 5 years now. My mom died from alcoholism when I was 16 so I think that is probably my gateway. In the last 5 years, I've had C. Diff from antibiotics, been diagnosed as hypothyroid (severely high untreated TSH after a pregnancy really caused some complications), had emergency surgery after gallstone induced pancreatitis (though I had pancreatitis and liver blockages multiple times throughout a year and a half and during a pregnancy which weren't ever caught because I lived so close and got to the ER too soon for anything to reflect in my lipase and liver tests) and now have tachycardia that may be P.O.T.S but am in the process of cardiologist appointments to nail down the issue. I'm also possibly bipolar after having been prescribed Paxil and it putting me into mania, though I stopped seeing my psychiatrist before he made a definitive diagnosis. Scared of getting the diagnosis and then everything I experience from here on out being blamed on bipolar like doctors do now with my thyroid. + +My HA is ruining my life. I spend hours Googling because I feel like I can't trust doctors after so many run-ins with them where they said pancreatitis was gastritis and sent me on my way assuming I was some kind of drug-seeker. Because of my Paxil experiences, I'm afraid to try any kind additional head med. I'm a mess, essentially, like many here. + +Currently obsessing over the fact I've never had my cholesterol checked and every time I eat or drink anything other than water, I get fatigued to such a point that it feels like I'm drugged. Husband is diabetic so I've been able to check my sugar levels and there's nothing unordinary there. I check my blood pressure regularly as well. The overwhelming, sedating-like fatigue also comes with even minimal activity, which has also had me freaked out about heart failure. (All my ekgs have been fine, though I'm not even sure that rules out heart failure.) I've had iron tests, hormone tests (though I still suspect hormones to be the underlying culprit), am taking vitamin d for a deficiency, thyroid hormone and T4 is in range... everything is ""normal"". I was vegan for 6+ months, quit smoking several years ago and very rarely drink. I tested positive twice for ANA and one of the SS-A or SS-B tests for Sjogren's Autoimmune but my doctor still insists I don't have it, though another doctor at my clinic says I do because that's all you need... not sure how that works. Anyway, Sjogren's may also be a culprit in my ""potential reasons you're dying"" book. + +Does anyone here have suggestions as to what helps them overcome their hypervigilance and keep themselves distracted from terrorizing themselves? I am in desperate need. + +Also, if you have any mental illnesses that your HA piggyback's on, I'd like to hear your experience, too. +",Anxiety +35466,"How do successful people come to terms with the fact that they have to die eventually? I've been going through some death anxiety recently (probably stemming from my anxiety disorder and worrying that I have a grave illness). I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I'm going to die one day, either from an illness or of old age. It's made me wonder how successful people come to terms with it while leading ""successful lives""?",Anxiety +35467,My dog got Lepto and now I’m afraid I will have it. My dog contracted Lepto infection or Weil’s disease and I’m so worried about my dog because it’s life threatening to him. The vet told me she has an obligation to tell me it could be transferred to humans. I looked up the symptoms and I don’t have them but I am still nervous. Last time I had my blood checked I passed out and I am really nervous to do it again. I am pretty sure I don’t have it because I don’t have the symptoms (which says a lot for someone who has health anxiety).,Anxiety +35468,"Friendly reminder that it’s allergy season! I spent a while today stressing out because I was getting sniffly, but then I realized that it’s almost spring, which means it’s almost allergy season! Hopefully everyone who struggles with hay fever can keep this in mind this season ❤️",Anxiety +35469,I can see and feel my (groin) inguinal lymph nodes i went to the doctors yesterday for it (nurse practitioner) and she felt them and said they were not swollen or tender and felt 100% normal she said i can see them because i really skinny which is true ( 5'7 100 pounds 20 male) but i freaking out thinking i have lymphoma should i trust her ,Anxiety +35470,"Eyelid Cancer? I've been having lots of problems with my eyes lately. + +1. My eyelashes curl inwards to poke my eyes +2. Eyelashes fall out into my eyes +3. Little bumps on the middle of my eyelid (where it touches the other eyelid) that cause discomfort when I blink. +4. And now, a bump on the inside of my eyelid, touching my eye, causing discomfort. + +I've thought about it alot, and I can't think of anything it could be other than cancer. Am I right and should I go see a doctor? And what kind of doctor should I see? Thanks",Anxiety +35471,"Feta cheese with bonus mould Ok so My mom gave me an entire brined brick of feta cheese because no one else in the family likes feta i guess. I've had it about two weeks now? Anyways I opened it tonight and there was some small amount of mould on the rim, and also a little tiny bit on an exposed bit I avoided. I just took some from what was still in the brine. So I nibbled on some with some crackers, but now I'm kinda worried? I googled it but nothing actually specified my specific case. The closest case I could find had a lot more mould involved. Is this okay to eat? If not, are the crackers leaning against it ok? I paid 2.47 for these crackers and I have like a third of the box on this plate. I kinda need to know now because currently my plate is just sitting here in the open and I can't have that going on for too long. Also is the little bit I ate ok? I'm going out for breakfast tomorrow and I don't want to be sick. + +If crackers are still ok, what goes well with breton vegetable crackers?",Anxiety +35472,"What is wrong with me? So I’m 13”4, and today I felt really ill. When my temperature was taken it was 39c. (About 102f) My mother said she is going to Walmart to get ibprophen. I googled it and it says it increases risk of heart attack and stroke. She also told me to check for rashes. Is there anything she’s not telling me? (My entire body feels warm, but I also feel cold.) I also have a runny nose and cough.",Anxiety +35473,"Lung cancer worries I’m 23 female and so worried I have lung cancer. Suddenly had a chesty dough since last week and also got back pain. I’ve been getting breathless for the last couple of months. +I’ve been feeling rubbish for a few months, had sinus issues, post nasal drip, headaches, and I feel like I constantly have depersonalisation/derealisation. I just can’t seem to shake my worries, I’ve been to the doctors loads and had blood tests which were all normal and they just say it’s anxiety. I just feel like rubbish every single day. ",Anxiety +35474,My First Post I am looking for some help I just want my life back. I know it's anxiety I have had test done that show me it is. The worst part is my left side of my mouth is pins and needles ans sometimes my left corner of my left eye feels stroke like. No change no droop and it's just a feeling if I pinch it I can feel it. The worst part of this is it had thrown me into DP/DR which has been not so great when I am a Dad to three kids and my wife. When I am in DP/DR and feeling like I do my libido is shot and it's hard to feel love when you question every feeling. I am just venting. I know it's anxiety because when i am truly distracted it goes away I just want my normal life back!!!!,Anxiety +35475,"Reiki I, II, III ART & III Teacher Qualification SPECIAL Offer [Reiki I, II, III ART & III Teacher Qualification](https://twitter.com/backe_f/status/1098190134594306050) 95% off + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35476,"Shortness of breath? Currently feeling like I can't take in air, I mean it's cold air and it feels cold and I am breathing but it feels like I'm not and it is freaking me out. Trying to do some.breqthing exercises to ground me but it's a hard struggle to focus sometimes.",Anxiety +35477,"is it at all possible I'm gonna get rabies? It's been almost two days since this happened so if I did contract rabies it's probably too late. I was driving home and saw a cat lying in the street so I got out of the car to check if it was alive. there was blood coming out of its mouth so I'm assuming it had internal injuries from getting hit by the car. I touched its back/shoulder area to see if it was alive, but it was cold to the touch. anyway, I put hand sanitizer on when I got back to my car, but I know hand sanitizer can't really kill viruses, and after I put the sanitizer on, I noticed I had a papercut on my finger that I didn't see before. on the hand I touched the dead cat with! is it possible there was rabies virus on the cat's fur, like maybe invisible blood that I couldn't see?? ",Anxiety +35478,So I probably have Rabies... I've had health anxiety for years. I was bitten by a stray cat in October. I never went to the doctor to get a rabies shot. I don't know why I didn't. I guess I thought they'd laugh at me. So now I can't shake the feeling that I have rabies and now I'm gonna die. ,Anxiety +35479,"Brain Tumor Concerns I’ve been feeling super anxious lately and thought it would be worth venting out at the moment. I’m M/20 years old, and I’ve been feeling anxious over the idea of a brain tumor. + +- Headaches have been present-ish, but they’ve been minor. I wouldn’t call them the worst headaches in my life. +- I feel like I’ve been seeing tiny streaks of light? It’s not huge glares, or anything that has messed up my vision, but I feel like I see tiny streaks sometimes. +- I sometimes feel like I have double vision when reading? But that might be just a me problem since I need glasses. +- Left eyelid has a small twitch. Though the right eyelid has been starting a bit too. +- Been waking up earlier than normal. +- Not sure if my speech always had me stuttering. Might be overthinking it. +- My ears have been ringing for a while now. +- I haven’t vomited, or suffered any seizures yet. + +I dunno if I can chalk this up to allergies, since they hit hard this season. I just need comfort that this isn’t a reason to panic. This anxiety has been really messing me up, and even if I’m going to the doctor in two weeks, I’m a bit concerned for my health.",Anxiety +35480,"I’m officially not dying or have any major diseases, it’s time to begin my HA recovery! Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and had him look at a cyst that’s been there for years and was the main cause of my anxiety. He confirmed that it is indeed a cyst and I don’t have anything like cancer. + +I wouldn’t saved myself a ton of anxiety if I would’ve simply gone into the doctor and had it looked at when I first noticed it. ",Anxiety +35481,"Eye test I’ve had like this full constant headache for the past 2 weeks and is driving me mad, I also felt so lethargic too So I’ve convinced myself I have a brain tumour/cancer and now I’m an anxious wreck. I’ve suffered with health anxiety for ages and it seems to come and go but when I fixate in something it doesn’t go away! I’ve got to the point where I’ve booked myself in for an eye test tomorrow as they can spot abnormalities and I’m genuinely sat here with sweaty palms and a lump in my throat thinking about it 😩 ",Anxiety +35482,"[Kinda Gross] Hey what is this in my throat, I'm kinda sick [https://imgur.com/a/hGoYeL7](https://imgur.com/a/hGoYeL7) + +&#x200B; + +It's got me kinda concerned.",Anxiety +35483,"Vision oddities Hey all, just wanted to ask if anyone had any similar experiences to myself. A few months ago, I (25) had my first panic attack that sent me to the ER. EKG came out perfect, sent me home. Soon after, I started getting more and more panic and anxiety symptoms at an increasing rate. Started diagnosing myself foolishly with all kinds of different things from heart problems, a ministroke, MS, brain tumor, the works. Went from 0 to hypochondriac in weeks. Went to my doctor and got some tests for thyroid and such, all fine. My BP is slightly high at 135/82 as well. + +Most of the symptoms of everything has gone away, except my vision. I woke up one morning about 6-7 days ago with.. not what I would call ""blurry"" vision, but almost an otherworldly filter applied to it. Nothing is any more difficult to read, no flashing, no pain, no color changes, but things are just hard to *look at* and I've got a bit of tunnel vision going on. I've always had floaters in my vision and there aren't any new ones, but the floaters themselves are kinda blurry now and I notice them everywhere instead of just outside. + +Could it just be eye strain from being in a constant state of stress for a month straight with poor sleep quality? I'm not asking for a diagnosis obviously, but I want to know if this is a shared experience from anyone else.",Anxiety +35484,"Shortness of breath that just won’t go away Age: 19 +Male +220lbs + + + +Just for some context, I’ve been feeling this constantly since December, and since October I’d say I’ve had pretty bad health anxiety after finding multiple lumps under my skin. In November I went to a dermatologist to get them all checked out and the dermatologist said they were all lipomas and nothing to worry about, but health anxiety forgets about that after a week and ever since then I’ve been scared of the potential of those lumps being sarcoma cancer. I’m not sure if this is what is causing my shortness of breath, as the shortness of breath never goes away, it’s there 24/7. Yesterday I went to a walk in clinic to get examined for my shortness of breath and the doctor noticed a slight wheeze which sent me into a spiral of health anxiety as, me thinking I have sarcoma, I thought it might’ve spread to the lungs or something. Anyways he does some tests to see the power of my exhale (don’t remember what it’s called) and then gives me abeuterol and tries the text again. I got the same results, but he said when he checked my breathing after the wheeze was gone. So, in short, is this shortness of breath from anxiety, or could it be a very minor case of asthma? The doctor also got a chest X-ray done and said everything looked normal. + +",Anxiety +35485,"Weird chain of health anxiety (19, Male, 5’6, 97 ibs) So 3 weeks ago I had a respiratory virus and after I got better a week later I haven’t felt the same since. My brain was felt so foggy and I couldn’t remember most of the things that were going on because I was so zoned out and it made me think I had dementia or something so my mind was set on that, I got real anxious and scared that I had dementia. Then a week goes by, my right hand and foot start having a burning sensation and of course look up online on what causes that and now I think I have diabetes or that I have nerve damage from exercising. it’s been like this for 4 days and I still have the burning sensations but they come and go and I’m anxious about it.",Anxiety +35486,"Positive thinking for others whose HA is cancer based (the what ifs) So my health anxiety is almost entirely grounded in cancer. Today I’m worried about lymphoma and brain cancer. A month ago it was lung and digestive cancer(s). Before that leukemia and before that bone cancer. You get the gist. + +My dad was diagnosed with cancer and did pass away from it. Before you freak out, he was older, active but poor poor diet his whole life. History of alcoholism. I mention this because it’s good context for my issues. My health anxiety spirals every year around this time (Jan-Mar) when he was sick. + +Even though I know many many statistics, about age of diagnosis and general health and this and that, it doesn’t always stop the worrying, as many of you are well aware. + +I tend to catastrophise. If I feel bad, it must be cancer, and since it’s cancer, I’ll die a painful death in a couple months. + +I typically avoid cancer stories as they trigger me up pretty badly (duh) but today I stumbled across a story of a 27 year old guy who was diagnosed with a rare brain cancer a few months ago. Today he announced he was cancer-free. + +The world isn’t perfect, and it isn’t always fair. There are lots of what ifs. But I think it’s so so so important to remember the what ifs are conjecture and NOT fact. + +So you go through the thing, your lymph nodes are swollen. You’re probably a little sick with a cold, or maybe you’ve been poking your neck non stop for weeks to check. So you probably don’t have lymphoma. Okay, but what if you do? Honestly, you’d probably be fine. This is not ALWAYS the case. But if we go by percentages, 99% of your worries are not cancer, or malignant, or serious at all. 75% of that 1% of real and serious conditions respond well to treatment. There’s variance but this is a great time in history to have cancer. Treatments are so plentiful and effective. Maybe you DO have brain cancer, but so? That 27 year old kid did. He’s alive and well. + +To be abundantly clear, I think it’s most important to challenge false conclusions, first and foremost. Challenge your worries. If you’re in a rut though, and you just can’t shake the feeling that “THIS TIME is has to be cancer, I just know it has to be”: stay optimistic! We are a community of worriers. Challenge yourself to think of best case scenarios, even if they’re within the worst case. + +I’m here with you, if you’re scared of something today. And I’m so positive that we will get through it just fine, I want you to be positive of that as well :)",Anxiety +35487,"I've been worrying about aneurysms since last night and its been a really rough time. How do I get past this? Hey everyone, I'm so glad that subreddit exists because it's so comforting to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this type of anxiety (since I was a little girl). + +Recently though, I have been really sick - like since before Thanksgiving. I've had bronchitis, the Norovirus (ended up in hospital), tonsillitis, the flu, then the stomach flu again, and now I'm at home sick for a week because the cold I've had since early November never went away and it has turned into walking pneumonia and strep throat. My throat is covered in huge white blisters and it's just so disgusting. + +But anyways, I was put on a really high antibiotic and Prednisone 3x a day, and it's just made me feel anxious and so strange. I started feeling like my pulse in my groin and it really freaked me out, so I Googled (I want to punch myself lol) and the first thing that came up was aneurysm. Then my husband told me it was probably the steroid making my nerves jittery, so I googled again (I rly need to stop) and it said that some people have experienced something called ""phantom vibrations"" or something like that. The thing is though, I'm pretty sure this has happened to me before and I've never paid it any attention. + +I had a rly bad panic attack right after that, but I took a shower and calmed down and was fine. But today, my hip and leg have been aching, and I'm not sure if it's my fibromyalgia acting up bc I'm sick or if it's just a psychosomatic symptom or even possibly the Prednisone making me feel this way. + +Has anyone else ever experienced this? Because I know it's probably nothing, but I've just had a rough time today with being worried about it And having the thought of aneurysm in the back of my brain. + +Bless you if you made it to the end of this post.",Anxiety +35488,"Final exams coming up. Host of issues... Hey everyone, I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now and this is my best option as it’s the middle of the night and I can’t talk to anyone right now. + +I have final exams next week and I’ve been very stressed out lately, and although most people tend to overeat when they’re stressed, I am the type of person who feels nauseous and does not like the thought of food during stress. + +Anyways, this past week or so I was sick with a sore throat and developed a sore neck that still keeps reappearing. On top of that, today my left leg started hurting in a specific spot and I’m pretty sure something happened to my muscle. My anxiety has been elevated because after a night out over the weekend, my friend took pictures and although all our eyes had a white reflection from the flash, one of my eyes was especially white in multiple pictures. I have read about concerning disorders that can be a cause to the white flash, so I immediately went into panic mode. I have been experiencing problems with this eye and suspicions of glaucoma by one doctor, and overall my eye has been especially red lately. I can’t help but think something is seriously wrong but I keep reassuring myself that it’s probably just because I’m a heavy contact lens wearer and my eyes need some oxygen and relaxation. I made an appointment with my eye doc to make sure. In the meantime, I’m trying my best to calm down and forget everything so I can study and not jeopardize my future. :) ",Anxiety +35489,Lyssavirus (australian rabies) do i have it ? Im in new south wales australia. I slept in a car about 2 months ago and now im shaking and feeling sick and i m very very scared. I need help what can i do? Please ,Anxiety +35490,Feeling off Does anyone else just wake up feeling off and when the say goes on it doesn't get better and then you start thinking that something is going to happen???? Bc that's me right now. ,Anxiety +35491,"Share your anxiety symptoms All of us sufferers have surely gone through some physical symptoms of anxiety before, I surely have, Ive dealt with the twitching the trouble swallowing the anxiety headaches and all kinds of other stuff but I’m a perfectly physically healthy person as reassured by multiple tests and doctors, just a major hypochondriac. what are some of the symptoms you have dealt with throughout the years and what are the ones you hate the most? ",Anxiety +35492,"Food related triggers, anyone? Just wondering, does anybody else get food related triggers? I'm currently going through a stage where I'm super worried about developing diabeties. Putting anything with sugar into my mouth can cause my anxiety to skyrocket because my brain can't stop thinking about how that food could be the thing that ends up giving me diabeties. Am I alone in this?",Anxiety +35493,"Eating Beets / Red Stool I had a fairly large amount of cut up beets for lunch today around noon, along with a small cup of beet lemonade. Around 5pm, my stool had quite a red/dark pink tint to it, and the toilet water was that color as well. It is now 830 and I have gone again, same result. I am aware that beets can discolor your stool, however 5 hours seems pretty fast. I thought it normally takes food upward of 24 hours to go from being consumed, to being excreted. Am I worried for nothing? This has never happened before, and I have eaten beets before, but never quite as much as I did today. Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +35494,Worried I have ovarian cancer. The more I'm on social media the more I hear about 'silent killer' cancers. I read that a common symptom of ovarian cancer is being bloated and feeling full quickly. I feel full a lot and never really finish my plate and I often have a bloated stomach. I pee pretty frequently too. I just feel so stupid going to a doctor with these sort of symptoms. I also have a fear that a doctor will wrongly say that I'm fine and then I'll be all relax while the cancer spreads inside me. There's so many different types of illnesses to consider and be at risk of. It drives me insane. ,Anxiety +35495,"I’m convinced I have a urethral stricture In may of last year I had a type of explosion in my bladder. It came with an insane feeling of urgency, frequency and a feeling that my +Bladder was in the grip of a vice. I also had an electrical type feeling in my bladder and Perineum. + +I saw a urologist who thought I had a urethral stricture. I was sent for a cystoscopy that showed everything was ok. That was in September 2018. 3 months later the urgency and frequency decreased but then what accompanied was pelvic pain, tailbone pain, I had to start sitting down to urinate and I had to start milking my urethra to empty it - at this time I was also tapering from 6mgs of clonazepam. I hit 2mgs when this started. I finished my taper on clonazepam in the middle of February. + +I now have all of those symptoms but they’re at full force now. For the past two weeks I had a slight burn at the end of urination. Peeing didn’t hurt but at the end I had a sharp/burn pain in a specific area in the top of my penis/urethra. + +For the past two weeks I’ve had a feeling that there’s a marble stuck in my urethra. Sometimes I can feel pressure in my urethra when I move about. Sometimes I get a sharp stabbing pain down my urethra too. The side of my penis hurts too. I +Also have to gently milk my urethra to get the rest of the urine out. + +My fear is that the cystoscopy has caused a stricture. It’s done the very thing that it was supposed to rule out. There was no blood after it was done, nor did it burn when I peed, but the tip of my penis was very swollen for an +Hour or so. Apparently it’s extremely rare for someone to get a stricture from a routine cystoscopy, especially in the area I think mine is. But I’m 100% convinced that I have one. It’s making me very ill. + +I see the urologist in 5 days time. I’m in a chronic pelvic pain support group and apparently this is a very common symptom. But other guys have the same symptoms and have a stricture. + +I don’t want another cystoscopy but I’m guessing I’ll have to have one as it’s the only way to treat a stricture. I can’t believe I’m in this mess. I’m so upset and frustrated. ",Anxiety +35496,"Vision Anxiety/Confusion Is it normal to not be able to focus on anything within about a foot from your eyes? Like, it's basically double vision up until a foot. Then it seems like for a few feet out, I have to make a conscious effort for things to remain focused. Or, it's kind of like, if I zone out, things within a few feet will go out of focus, or be doubled. Everything beyond a few feet stays focused, however. + +Basically is it normal to easily see double vision one foot out, and somewhat easily see it a 2-3 feet out?",Anxiety +35497,"Absolutely terrified and think I have cancer. I know I shouldn't be posting this but I have gotten myself into such a state. I can't stop crying and hyperventilating, I feel sick, I can't sleep, the list is endless. In February I got a letter from my doctor telling me my urine sample contained a small amount of blood which was not due to infection and I would need to be investigated. Said urine sample was taken about 3 or 4 days after my period ended. I still haven't gone back to the doctor out of fear of being told I have something serious. + +However on Tuesday 12th March, I went to the toilet and noticed a significant amount of blood in my pee and I was extremely frightened. My period is due this week however it still hasn't arrived for some odd reason. I'm definitely not pregnant and surely blood in my urine isn't normal. I was hoping this was just spotting due to hormones but I doubt I am that lucky. I'm shaking as I type this. What if it's kidney, bladder, ovarian, or any other cancer? Isn't this the warning sign? I really don't want to die, I've finally found happiness and I'm doing well in life it's just NOT FAIR!!! + +&#x200B; + +Please tell me blood in urine doesn't always mean cancer???",Anxiety +35498,"Substitute for food when there is no appetite? I was diagnosed with a kidney infection on Tuesday (3 days ago) after having a UTI from the following Monday to Friday. + +Saturday was when it started getting uncomfortable. I took my mum to eat at a lovely Indian restaurant to which we ordered to our hearts content then I only took a few bites and was full! + +We then proceeded to go and see a show at the theatre, and to be completely honest I couldn’t wait for it to end, I was fidgety all the way through! + +Monday was chills and fevers and an ice pick head ache just about a mm above my right ear (which I still have) + +Tuesday I got a drs appt, to which I got told off for not eating as I had a dangerous amount of ketones in my urine. She also told me to eat...but never specified what when I told her that I physically couldn’t hold down food. + +Now this is day 7 and I’m prepared to drink full fat milk for my antibiotics, there is no soup in the house, I’ve lived off of cranberry juice for the last 5 days. + +I have a chocolate protein shake thing that takes water. + +Any suggestions is a great help at this point. ",Anxiety +35499,Heart anxeity I’ve had a bad month so far. I was put into a psychiatric ward for a while against my will and now that I’m out I have to go to court ordered group counseling. Anyway my anxiety problems basically all surround my heart. Even now I have chest tightness and a horrible pain in my left arm. I can’t convince myself it’s not a heart attack no matter how hard I try. I’ve been to 3 cardiologists and been to the er at least 20 times and had ekgs every time. Had a stress test and an echo and it all came back negative. I can’t stop convincing myself that something has happened since then and I’d go back to the er but I’m afraid of being admitted again. I’m a 20 year old male and have my whole life ahead of me but I’m to paralyzed by fear to live it. I “know” I’m having a heart attack every time it happens and it’s hard to even imagine it getting better and being happy. I was on Klonopin and it seemed to help but they took me off cold turkey in the hospital and put me on all new meds. I’m just scared. If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it. ,Anxiety +35500,"Shoulder’s going crazy. Hi. + +My very first post here, but been reading it for a long time and have a quick question. + +Lately, I’ve been dealing with a lot of your common symptoms, such as: headache, nausea, stomachache, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, numbness, random quick pains all over, etc.. + +But yesterday night I was laying in my bed and suddenly, completely out of blue, my left shoulder started to hurt. And it is very painful when touched. I can move my arm completely and it’s not painful. But when pressed or even just touched gently, it hurts. I haven’t injured it anywhere as I usually spend my days on my laptop working while layind down. And of course I started googling, constantly think about the pain and touch it every 5mins to make sure if the pain is still there. And now it feels like my arm is not painful, but has a weird sensation. + +Also, read somewhere that anxiety can cause these random bone, muscle or joint pains all over the body. So was wondering if anyone else had this kind of pain or am I going insane? + +Thank you and have a lovely day!",Anxiety +35501,"A small victory I don't post very often and never before on this sub but I wanted to share a small victory. As you can imagine I spend a lot of money on doctor visits and tests that turn out to be just fine. I have spent too darn much and so I've challenged myself to just wait things out no matter what. My first challenge arrived quickly. + +On Tuesday I got a rash very likely from sweating/rubbing because I noticed it right after the gym and it was around my neck and chest where my shirt collar rests. It was red, itchy and painful. I DID NOT Google. I started to, but I stopped. I put some hydrocortisone cream on it and ignored it. Ever so briefly thought about going to urgent care (autoimmune? My joints hurt... is it infected? Etc.) + +It's almost gone today. Four days. Granted the source of the rash was clear. And I'm still worried about the size of the lymph nodes in my neck. And random belly pains make me think of tumors.... but this one thing..... I waited out this rash and it was fine. It gives me strength to ""ignore"" the next thing.",Anxiety +35502,"Happy to find this sub I just found this sub, and I just wanted to say I’m so glad I’m not alone. I am a major hypochondriac, and can’t seem to stay off of google researching what illness I’m dying of next. My current issue is I feel like I can’t breathe. I have shortness of breath & it feels like I can’t get enough air. I’m convincing myself it’s just my anxiety, but I can’t stop thinking about it because yanno.... anxiety 😆 Thinking about going to a doctor to see if I can get some help. but THANK YOU for making me realize I’m not alone! ",Anxiety +35503,"Burping non-stop for months I cannot stop burping. Nothing cures it no matter what I try. I don't really get acid reflux, just plain old burps. It happens about once every ten minutes and they tend to be quite sizeable burps too. + +Does anyone know what this could be? I read that it can be caused by stomach cancer. Why does stomach cancer cause such frequent burping? +Thank you for reading. ",Anxiety +35504,"Last month filled with illness and anxiety, not being able to sleep well, and surgery possibly coming up. Need advice on how to cope. I've had really bad panic attacks and anxiety since I was around 14, up till the age of 16. After my first major panic attack, I was hospitalized for a week, after which they concluded it was anxiety and referred me to a psychiatrist. + +&#x200B; + +I've essentially been free of panic attacks since, but have had periods of anxiety, centered around my health. + +&#x200B; + +The last month has been especially terrible. It started with an eye infection that caused an eye edema, where my left eyeball developed a dent and a bump. The ambulance ride was nerve-wracking, and I was given antibiotics at the ER and then discharged. + +&#x200B; + +Then, I got stomach flu. Terrible week. I felt weak, dehydrated, and completely sapped of all energy. More antibiotics, I felt better after a few days. This is when I started to become hyper-aware of my heartbeat. + +&#x200B; + +Then, I got sick again for 2-3 days: fever, cold, sore throat. Had some relief, but then went out on the weekend, walked home in skimpy clothes in freezing cold and rain, bronchitis for another week. + +&#x200B; + +Last week, I started getting wisdom tooth pain. It's an infection and abscess. Dentist said I need to have it pulled. Terrified of the surgery, and especially the anesthesia. Haven't had it before, scared of an allergic reaction or complications. Dental anesthesia can briefly cause palpitations, which sucks because I'm so worried over the health of my heart. + +&#x200B; + +Around 4 weeks of constant health-related drama, worrying, palpitations, panic. The worst is probably the poor sleep. I cant fall asleep easily because I keep checking my heart rate and freak out when it slows down. My resting heart rate is around 60, so I really freak out when there's a long time between beats. This leads to palpitations, poor breathing patterns, tingling, twitching, you name it. + +&#x200B; + +tldr; four weeks of infections, anxiety + panic, worrying about my heartbeat and shit sleep, possibly getting wisdom tooth surgery, terrified of anesthesia and related complications. I'm tired and need advice on how to cope.",Anxiety +35505,"How to go about requesting a heart check up? Hi everyone, I guess I’ve always been a little bit of a hypochondriac, but serious health anxiety is a new thing for me. I was required recently to take a 9 hour long first aid certification class for a new job, in which we discussed heart attacks and cardiac arrest for hours on end. Following that, I’ve been seeing deaths of young people around my age such a Lotte Van Der (19) and Felicite Tomlinson (18). I am 21, and now I’m in constant fear of an underlying heart issue that I am unaware of. I would like to get whatever tests are necessary to easy up some of my anxiety, because I know that I have never had any tests done regarding my heart. So my question is how do I go about this? What do I request? My mom suggested I say that there is a history of heart attacks in my family, but I’m not sure if that’s necessary. At 21, am I going to receive a lot of push back regarding the necessity of these tests or is it pretty straight forward to get? Any advice would be great, thank you so much. ",Anxiety +35506,"Enema side effects? 30. F. Australia. + +I was administered a fleet enema at the hospital last night (18hrs ago to be exact) for painful constipation. I wasn't completely impacted as I could still pass gas and small stools. + +I am having really bad abdominal pain and cramping today. It's freaking me out. I have had paracetamol, buscopan and simethicone but the pain is probably still a 7 out of 10. I've had two fleet enemas before and definitely experienced *some* cramping the next day but not as bad as this. Is this normal? I understand my muscles are sore from pushing out the stool (and there was a fair bit of it). + +No other symptoms besides the cramping and pain.",Anxiety +35507,Its 2 am rn and i’m freaking out that i’m forgeting to breathe I’m very sleepy and when im finally falling to sleep i jump up and breathe fully in like i wasnt it doing it before. I have to force myself to sleep. Is this anxiety or something else,Anxiety +35508,Allergic reactions Constantly right before I eat I’ll get a “what if you’re allergic to this” and then after I eat it I’ll start feeling like my throat is closing. Does anyone else deal with this?,Anxiety +35509,"freaking out about stomach issues. so two months ago, I was feeling this weird burning/cramping sensation in my stomach and was prescribed omeprazole and took that for about three or four weeks. + +the pain went away and then two months later, I found myself feeling the same thing again. + +I would feel a pain/nauseous feeling when I get hungry, get full easily after one bite, and would feel nauseous again after eating. + +I'm not sure what is going on, I have a doctor's appointment this tuesday but cannot seem to stop thinking about worse case scenario.",Anxiety +35510,"Good meditations for when anxiety spikes? Could be something on YouTube, a mantra, or what have you...I’ve been looking for something that can help center me when my HA is really spiking out of control. Post anything helpful you’ve come across!",Anxiety +35511,"Left side of face slightly numb Yesterday during the afternoon I took a nap. When I woke up my left side of my face felt slightly numb. To describe it, it’s essentially feels like when you go outside into cold air, the slightly numbness you feel. I till can feel things on my face, and of course I’m not showing any other symptoms. First thing my anxiety goes to is stroke, but no other symptoms have popped up. I’m having some crazy health anxiety over this. I’m not really looking for advice, mostly posting this because of my anxiety and seeing if others have gone through something similar to this. ",Anxiety +35512,"I’m having bad anxiety about HIV and it’s cause me to be super depressed, even though I keep telling myself I shouldn’t worry. So this is kind of a rant because I’m sitting in my car outside work, trying to find the strength to go in...this anxiety has just been CONSUMING me for the last two weeks and I feel like it’s at its worst today. + +I’m not sure why I’m so worried about it, but for the last two weeks I’ve been SUPER worried about having HIV. Two weeks ago I found a cyst behind my ear and went to the doctors thinking it was a swollen lymph node. He told me it was a cyst and sent me home with a cream, it’s basically gone by now. + +But I’m still convinced I have HIV. I know the best solution is to get tested, but I work so much that I won’t be able to make that happen until next week. + +I’ve had allergies and eczema my entire life, so while the seasons are changing here, they’ve been going crazy. Now I have a swollen lymph node in my neck. + +I’ve never had any of the symptoms of HIV (flu like symptoms lasting weeks, a rash, vomiting & diarrhea, etc.) But something in my brain is just TELLING me I have it. + +I’m a gay man and for the last few years I’ve been really safe with sex. My main fear is two people I slept with back in 2013. One of those guys was tested in 2017 (when I was seeing him again) and he came back clean. Ive slept with a total of one other person in the last two years because we were dating for the majority of it and he was clean as well. But I am still convincing myself I have it. I’m not sure if this anxiety could cause my lymph node in my neck to swell (because it’s swollen) But this is only fueling my anxiety. + +I’m freaking out and more depressed than I’ve been in years. Would I have seen genuine symptoms by now if I had contracted it?",Anxiety +35513,"Help! Anyone have this anxiety? Is anyone else like seriously afraid of kind of more mysterious diseases like Chronic Fatigue Syndtome, fibromyalgia, etc? It’s been kind of my worry and I think the fact that there’s not really a cure and they don’t know exactly what causes these illnesses to happen is causing me to worry or exacerbating my anxiety. It’s terrifying to me and I’m just struggling to work through this. Thanks everyone ",Anxiety +35514,"Any Tips for Calming Yourself? My anxiety manifests itself as pain. Normally in a calf, thigh, or my left shoulder. I know this is from my anxiety. It happens, and then I realize I'm anxious, which makes it worse. Has anyone learned how to help themselves when something like this happens? I have just started seeing a counselor, who is booked at least a month out ",Anxiety +35515,"My worry at the moment I vaped for two years, and recently quit two weeks ago, because I noticed my laugh has a weird noise now with it, so now I have weird sensations in my throat, always want to clear it, always having a feeling of needing to cough, and I read that could be a sign of throat cancer so it’s all on my mind.",Anxiety +35516,"Fear of being sick I suffer from health anxiety, mostly related to MS and brain tumours (I had an episode of vertigo which has triggered that) and in the past I've had HA about heart related illnesses. I've seen a lot of posts worrying about those things, but I also suffer from a real fear of throwing up. I'm paranoid about food poisoning and it's ruined my enjoyment of a lot of foods. I overcook a lot of my food and throw a lot of stuff out. Right now I'm sat here worrying that the chicken I had earlier from a take out wasn't cooked properly. I feel sick, but that could just be a symptom of being anxiety. Does anyone else have HA around vomiting and food poisoning? ",Anxiety +35517,"Mumps exposure I have been in a room with someone that have mumps, 1 day after the onset of symptoms (salivary swelling symptom). We had no close contact whatsoever but we did share the space. Was in the room for about 15 minutes in total. + +&#x200B; + +Cant remember if I had it in my youth (parents can't recall either) and I most likely haven't been vaccinated for it (it wasn't of the immunization programs at the time). Also saw that the vaccine doesn't work as a PEP. + +&#x200B; + +1: What are the chances that I got infected? I covered my face when was in the room for a brief few minutes each time was in the room, but it may have gotten through the eyes... + +&#x200B; + +2: Can anyone say what are my options? My life is about to be a complete malfunction for the rest of the 21 days waiting for the onset of symptoms picturing the horrible result of deafness, infertility and a lot of pain. Also likely to end with losing yet another job. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35518,"Can a girl get pregnant from a towel? so after I masturbated I cleaned myself with a towel, forgot to take the towel from the bathroom and my sister went in and used the towel to dry herself. + +Is it possible she could be pregnant? I'm freaking out",Anxiety +35519,"I think meet all the requirements for colon cancer.... I’ve noticed bright blood in my BM’s for a few years but my GI doctor said it was hemmorhoids. It’s usually blood that I see on the surface but sometimes it’s kind of faded. I drink enough water and eat plenty of fiber, but I still find that I strain when I have a bowel movement, even when I use a squatty potty at home. I thought it was hemmorhoids that just wouldn’t go away but now I’m getting more concerned. I’m going to the GI tuesday to assess but I’m still very scared. + +I’m 25 years old with no known history of colon cancer on any side of my family. I know my risk is low but I’ve had this for at LEAST five years and there’s a chance I may have let it go on for too long. ",Anxiety +35520,"Constant Headaches. I’ve been under a lot of stress/been having lots of anxiety lately. + +I’ve been having headaches all around my head, pain ranging from mild-moderate. + +Sometimes it’s in the side of my head, sort of like pressure? I can’t explain it. Also I have wisdom teeth coming in, and sometimes it goes up to my head. + +Right now it’s on the left side. Very very mild. + +Should I be worried about aneurysms/brain tumours?",Anxiety +35521,"UTI...or not So I woke up on Friday having very mild symptoms of a uti, just a tiny bit of burning after peeing. I immediately drank a ton of water to flush. Afterwards the burning was barely noticeable but I know it was still there. Saturday morning I wake up and it’s still barely noticeable but still there so I make a doctors appointment. Unfortunately, my regular doctor isn’t in that day and neither is my usual back up so I book with the only doctor that’s in. At this clinic for as long as I could remember (I’ve gone here for over 10 years) they usually give you the results of the urine sample before you leave, keep this in mind that was the only reason I went because I convinced myself the only thing this could be is a uti or perhaps something worse even though I know I don’t have any of the symptoms but you never no right? It’s better to be safe. Anyways, she comes in and I explain my problem. At first she mentions it could just be irritation and she mentions something in particular that I do to dry my nether regions and I thought wow I could of actually cut myself or overwashed and a wave of relief washed over me. Because I do tend to overwash and use scented products. But then she said she would prescribe me a medication if I have a uti. She left and the nurse came in a few minutes later. The whole thing took 5 mins. + +The nurse comes back in saying I won’t have the result for three days and I’m confused so I call in the doctor. And she said there’s no harm in taking it even if you don’t have it. This goes against what my usual doctor says, she never suggests taking anything unnecessarily. +Especially when it comes to a urine culture. Because of resistant bacteria or something. +Anyways i left and picked up the medicine but it occurred to me she didn’t ask many questions...so that left me thinking it could be something else. Like a cut or a yeast infection or just being incredibly over washed. She didn’t even ask if I was sexually active or not or if I was having any other symptoms or if my period is due. +But I was also in shock by how impersonal that visit felt as it’s not what I’m used to. +So I have the medication but you know, me being anxious I don’t want to take it unless I have the results of the culture. At some moments it feels like I’m just irritated down there given what happened during the week leading up to these events. I quit using the regular soap I was using down there but I stilll used it for the rest of my body and if some slips down there it does burn. + +But sometimes I think omg did I just had a tiny muscle pain in my back is it an infection. Or regular body sensations freak me out. I’m really trying to relax but my mind keeps racing to all sorts of things :/ ",Anxiety +35522,"Ashwapepper Performance Booster Capsules Maximize your performance on bed with Ashwapepper. Ultimate pills for best results +https://aggripure.in/product/ashwapepper/",Anxiety +35523,"Unsual sweating +So i have this unsual sweating from past few days.I start to sweat whenever i go outside only at chest and back .The areas which feel hot whenever i am inside my house even though I don't have fever when checked through thermometer.And also at night i feel this burning/coldish sensation at random areas of my body.What could it be? ",Anxiety +35524,"Are my symptoms a result of anxiety or is my anxiety a result of symptoms of something that’s killing me? It’s safe to say I live my life with nearly constant anxiety, particularly when it comes to my health. I’m hyper aware of sensations and little pains that come and go in my body at any given time. My life is kind of miserable as a result. In the quiet moments during a conversation I can almost guarantee you that’s what I’m thinking about. Whether or not the pain I just felt in my head or torso is a symptom of anxiety or do I have some sort of cancer that’s eating me alive?Am I alone in this or am I just a crazy person? I hate to sound whiny, just thought I’d vent a bit. ",Anxiety +35525,"First time health anxiety. Around late October I noticed whenever I smoked weed it was hard to swallow. Normal people get hungry and eat. I didn't eat, I had anxiety until I felt normal again. I guess the dry mouth you get made it worse for me to swallow? Anyway, fast forward to late November. I quit smoking weed. I'm due for a dental surgery and days before the surgery it feels as if I'm gonna choke on whatever is in my throat. At this point I couldn't even check my throat or put my tongue down long enough to look without gagging so much. I go through with the surgery, the surgeon says that one of my tonsils is larger than the other, and for me to get it checked out when I can. I go to my local hospital and they agree that my throat is swollen with a white spot (possibly a tonsil stone) along with swollen lymph nodes. He refers me to diagnostics for an ultrasound. This takes a month to do, because I live in a rural area and paperwork and such. Anyway, February 25th was my ultrasound and the results were sent back to my local doctor. He recommends a biopsy and CT scan this month. I may miss my daughters first birthday, and anxiety is through the roof. I had a family member give me a clonazepam once. It was the first time I felt normal in a long time. I really should get a prescription, but I dont wanna be dependent on meds. Basically raw dogging reality at this point. Dont smoke weed, dont drink. No support system in place. Basically suffering in silence while I try to maintain composure. I'm newish to reddit so apologies if this isn't posted right. ",Anxiety +35526,"Have completely convinced myself I have lung cancer Here are the facts: +I’m 27F, very fit, never smoked, had the radon tested in my house last fall, it wasn’t optimal but was well within safe range, never been exposed to asbestos that i know of, no family history of cancer. About a month ago I started having upper respiratory symptoms, first shortness of breath and chest tightness that led to a cough. then i started having heart palpitations so i went to my PCP. she did an EKG which was normal and listened to my lungs and said they sounded clear. My cough cleared up after a couple days and I started getting back to normal but my anxiety was still nagging at me. + +About a week after my doctor’s visit, I woke up from a nap totally unable to breathe and my blood pressure was very high so I went to the urgent care. they ran the full gambit of tests on me which all came back fine - EKG, blood work, chest x-ray, all normal. The doc said my lungs sounded clear. Figured it was a panic attack. + +I felt okay for a day or two but my heart palpitations persisted and I still felt short of breath. I emailed my doctor and she ordered a bunch more blood tests which have all come back normal except for my blood calcium which was .2 above range. This is freaking me out because I read that high blood calcium can be caused by cancer. I’m doing a 24 hour urine test on Monday and then will have another appointment to talk about the results. I want to ask my doc for a chest CT but I feel so stupid asking for something like that just because I’ve been feeling vaguely out of breath. + +I need someone to look at my situation logically and tell me I’m being ridiculous. This anxiety spiral has totally ruined my life for the past month.",Anxiety +35527,"Does anyone get a tightness on the left side of their chest when they're stressed or anxious? I do, and it freaks me the fuck out each and every time without fail. Constantly thinking it's my heart.",Anxiety +35528,"Solvent exposure I was working on a project involving supergluing wood together, and to assist the drying of the superglue I used a glue accelerator, which I believe with alot of exposure can cause brain damage. I think I used a decent bit too much and I got high off of it. I feel light headed, I’m out of focus, my head feels heavy and fuzzy. Did I give myself brain damage? I am super paranoid about permanently injuring my intellectual capacity, and I probably won’t ever use accelerator again, but have I already reduced my memory and processing power? Is it a practically non-existent or have I actually permanently hurt myself albeit slightly?",Anxiety +35529,"How to be a supportive partner to someone with health anxiety? Hello. New to posting in forums like this, but I am struggling and could use advice/perspective. I hope I am allowed to make posts like this, but feel free to remove if it is violating any community rules. + +&#x200B; + +I found this subreddit when researching health anxiety. My long term partner has been afflicted by this for the last 3 months. I know that is not a very long time, but it's been very hard. It feels like he suddenly starting having heart problems and ended up in the ER because he called an ambulance. They said it was panic/anxiety, and things have gotten worse since. We have done all the medical tests, and physically the doctors say he is fine and that his symptoms are anxiety. He is convinced otherwise, but I see his behaviors mirrored in all of the posts here. I believe he has health anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +I'm really trying to be as helpful as I can, but I feel so helpless. I am trying to reassure him that he is okay, but every other day he spirals into believing that he has cancer/kidney disease/muscular disorders/liver cirrhosis, etc etc. He even at one point thought he had an STD, which was hurtful to me as his long-term partner because I have not been unfaithful and I viewed it as an attack on my character. I realize now that it is US against THE ANXIETY but sometime's it's still hard. Before all of this, we used to go and do things all the time. Now it feels like we don't go out and any time I can get him out, it's a chore because he feels so sick (or anxious). + +&#x200B; + +He has started therapy, but insists it will not help because he thinks he has a true medical problem and not health anxiety. I want to be as supportive as I can be, but I'm really struggling with how to support without enabling or indulging in his fears. + +&#x200B; + +So I'm hopeful that this community can help give me some advice on how to help a partner experiencing health anxiety? What is helpful for you to hear from your partners? How can I be the most supportive partner I can be without losing myself (which is how I am starting to feel lately)? Should I push or encourage him to go out even when he says he is sick? I miss our old life, but I don't want to force him into an activity if he really is ill. Alternatively, is there anything I can do to be more empathetic? What do you wish your partner knew about your health anxiety? + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for your advice. I just want to understand and be helpful.",Anxiety +35530,"Weird feeling on lower leg, of course I'm convinced it's bone cancer I'm 24 years-old, female, and I've been struggling with HA for around a year now. Mostly I have a hard time with cancer, which brings me here today because I'm freaking out. + +Since Wednesday last week I have this weird feeling below my left knee, in the front of the leg. It generally doesn't hurt when I'm resting or when I'm active, it's just like the skin is hyper sensitive there and when my jeans move against the skin, it hurts. It doesn't even affect my day to day but my anxiety is so over the top that I'm ALWAYS hyper aware of that area of the leg. First my mind jumped to ""maybe it's a cloth"", then it went to ""maybe it's bone pain"", but since I don't know what that feels like, what do I know really? + + +Honestly, I'm just looking to see if someone ever feels weird pains and skin sensations in random places of the body (had something similar awhile ago in my right arm that went away) due to anxiety, since it's not a symptom that I see around much.",Anxiety +35531,"Anxiety Symptoms I'm new to this Reddit thing but I have been reading posts in this subreddit for a couple of weeks now and I thought I would post about my anxiety symptoms. I am recently struggling with the thought that this really is anxiety, my biggest fear is of course the big C-word, lymphoma for example. Everything started in November about 4 months ago, on vacation in Vietnam. I experienced what I think was my first panic attack with heart palpitations, pressure on chest, difficulty to breath etc. Since then, I have experienced so many different symptoms and sensations such as lump in throat, feeling of not getting enough air, difficulty to breath, waking up several times every night (sometimes with a strange feeling of fear), lately my skin feels like its burning or is sensitive, it also sometimes feels like my heart flutters, skips a beat or is just pounding out of my chest but not a fast heartbeat just very hard and powerful. I also experience headaches like never before, extremely cold feet pretty much all the time. Man, I've probably missed a few sensations too but this is really getting to me. I've had EKG, echo, blood work done to test my thyroid etc and all came back clear. I'm thinking about how I feel all the time and I am noticing every little sensation in my body and the smallest thing can set me off into almost panic for a few seconds. Lately its been more of pressure on my chest and difficult to breath thats been the worst symptom. On top of this, I had a cold for about three weeks ago and I felt a lymph node that was swollen, this set my health anxiety off into a frenzy and I can't stop thinking about it ever since. I can still feel the lymph node ( I'm touching it all the freaking time hoping its gone, knowing that I shouldn't) and my doctor said it was nothing to worry about, but as you know, health anxiety finds its way back no matter what. Sorry for all this rambling but this is really affecting my life. Do you guys have similar or the same symptoms? How do you cope or how did you overcome this son of a b\*tch anxiety?",Anxiety +35532,"Can I Wait? DT2 I need to know from a nurse or doctor - someone in the medical field please - + +I had gestational diabetes last summer and experienced symptoms with it - dizziness, fatigue, nausea, thirst, frequent urination, headache. I had the baby in September and everything went back to normal. About 2 weeks ago, all these symptoms returned but worse. I went back to the diabetic diet and started walking, most symptoms are gone with doing this- but if I vary at all, I get SO SICK - and gain 3-5 lbs overnight. I still have headache and bloating even on the diet... I know I probably have diabetes- it runs in my family. But I don’t have insurance and my husband is unemployed until June. How bad is it if I wait until then to get this checked? Will it matter?",Anxiety +35533,"this is just a post to make everyone laugh and realize how much anxiety really fucks with all of us my health anxiety has been bad for years, every week there's something new i think i have wrong with me. last night i convinced myself i have herpes ( i haven't had sex in 2 months but i read online u could have it for weeks, months, & year's before an outbreak) i was hysterically crying to my mom and when i went to go show her my (bump) she laughed at me and told me it was just vagina tissue and no where near herpe sores... i love being this way:-)))))) oh and let me not forget to mention 2 hours after that my anxiety got bad and i convinced myself i was going to have a heart attack because i was getting random pains in my right arm and felt nauseous from my new meds lmao ",Anxiety +35534,"Heart anxiety is back thanks to weird arm pains My anxiety is back. + +This time, this weird arm pain that extends from my elbow to my hand is triggering it. Logically, I know that it's likely due to the fact that I tend to lean on my left arm, but my brain keeps telling me ""well, what if it isn't?"" + +The pain usually happens when I'm resting my arm on my leg or have it bent to some capacity (it happened about 5 or so times during an hour video game session), but I've been lying in bed and it hasn't happened since. It doesn't seem to get worse with exertion either, as I run and do other cardio and weights at least 4 times a week. It just comes and goes seemingly at random. + +I want to believe it's nothing wrong and it's a nerve thing at worse. My mind won't let me. To it, any arm pain like this is impending doom. I just wish I could shake this feeling.",Anxiety +35535,"I just want to feel normal again,how can one do such a thing? Just a college student who wants to feel somewhat sane again. It’s been almost three months since my blood clot and although I’ve adapted to things I still don’t feel like myself. Prior to today I was living in fear, constantly thinking about how things affect me and the worst possible outcome. These thoughts took over everything in my life, even before this clot I was and an over thinker. I’ve never been on medication for anxiety and just got on it, so hopefully that will help some current thoughts of fear fade. “Will I wake up tomorrow?” + +Throughout these months I have been to numerous doctors appointments and check ups, my body just wants to have multiple issues this year I guess. One problem after the next and the moment when my fear starts to subside another issue arises, school. I started to feel better, healthy in a way, yet because I was so determined to feel humane again I fell behind. Some professors were understanding, others focused more on the needed work rather than my health. Little do they all know that if my grades fall, I lose my scholarship. Three years down the drain right there. “How do I explain to professional people that I was afraid to live? Or that my meds persistently make me tired?” + +I know in my heart, mind and soul that there are people out there who have it SO much worse. Believe me when I say I “overthink”, I do. You could make eye contact with me and I’d think something is automatically wrong with me. I don’t have time for counseling because I fear it would interfere with school. I’m not one to vent, no one ever has their full attention so I keep everything in. But goodness, I’m so tired of living in fear. The idea of being told how super rare my case was and that I’m lucky to even be here lives in the back of my head. + +If anyone has advice with life after a blood clot, anxiety, college or anything I could really use it. +I know my post was extremely jumbled and vague, for that I am sorry. It’s an accurate description of my jumbled mind.",Anxiety +35536,"Heart palpitations So I started having heart palpitations when I was younger, got it checked, it was just an atrial flutter so nothing. Last year I was jacked up on caffeine and I'd say a little depressed and I had a stimulant induced panic attach (felt like I was gonna die). Quit caffeine and could workout and everything like normal. A few weeks later I had a night of binge drinking and woke up at 5 am to my heart pounding out of my chest which sent me into another panic attack. Now whenever my heart rate goes up, whether working out or drinking, I start to get anxiety and feel like I'm just gonna drop dead. Has anyone else had this?",Anxiety +35537,"Thyroid cancer? Lymphoma? Random infection? I'm a 21 year old male. + + 20 days ago I started feeling pain in the lower right part of my throat right above my collarbone. Halfway through the week I noticed a lump was there and made an appointment with my doctor. Doctor sent me for an ultrasound and found a 3cm lump in my neck but couldn't make out what exactly it was, so I was sent for a CT scan. The CT scan results showed that this tumor was near a muscle and lymph node. It looked suspicious to her and she also saw 2 other minor swollen lymph nodes so she referred me to a much better hospital (Vanderbilt) so that they could do their own tests. + +That was 12 days ago. This past Friday I had a fine needle biopsy done on the lump and got the results back yesterday. Apparently cancer wasn't detected and bacteria wasn't either but I did see something about 2+ polys. The test was essentially inconclusive but whatever it was it looked ""infectious"" and ""something on the uncommon side"", according to my doctor. + +My doctor was going to prescribe me Augmentin but since I am allergic I was prescribed Clindamycin. He wants to try me on that for a week and see if it helps. However, the day after the biopsy was done I have started experiencing slight pain right under my adam's apple when I yawn or look down. Seems like there is a bump there too. I let my doctor know this yesterday but he still wants to go through with the antibiotic for a week to see if anything changes. + +I don't really notice any other symptoms. I think my mouth has been a bit more dry as of late but nothing crazy. I was pretty worried early on but started to get over it until this other lump showed up. Wouldn't the CT scan from just over a week ago detected this new lump? I feel like I should be relieved that they didn't find anything malignant but I'm also worried that maybe they missed it or didn't get a proper reading. I have all the trust in the world in this hospital but my nerves are getting the best of me. Sorry if this is kind of all over the place. ",Anxiety +35538,"Hows do you differentiate between imagined problems and real problems? (Long rant) Since I was probably 19/20 I have had a roller coaster of health anxiety. It all started with an actual kidney issue which later resolved itself and the only possible cause was ""stress"". Since then I have had a huge fear of STI's which led to my ultimate fear of cancer and warts caused by HPV (especially throat/mouth). I have always had some form of anxiety, when I was younger I'd pull out my eyelashes and scour my face for blemishes. I believe this has led to me being so hard on my self that I notice any imperfection. I have tonsil stones and while I stuck my finger down my throat I went past my tonsils this time ( gross I know) and I felt a bump, almost like a skin tag. This led to me feeling so panicked I became physically ill and left work early. Since then I've been googling and come to the conclusion that I can't keep doing this to myself. Normal people do not stick their fingers down their throat to find god knows what. Of course It's going to feel weird down there. + +I understand this new thought will not pass immediately but how do you guys differentiate real vs imagined issues? How do you calm yourself down? I am at my wit's end, my gf is too. I'm sick of being withdrawn and lying to her about what's wrong. I'm sick of going down rabbits holes for hours on end. I'm sick of physically checking my self countless times. I'm just sick of it. Sometimes the only times I find any relief is when I am in actual distress from a confirmed ailment and that's just sad.",Anxiety +35539,Can you get throat and back pain from acid reflux? Worried,Anxiety +35540,"2 things Hello! I’ve been suffering with anxiety most of my life but got diagnosed officially in college. Anyway I am on Zoloft and am doing well. However there are two things that have been driving me crazy and I was wondering if anyone else gets this. + +1) ever since I was little I would try to fall asleep but I would have the urge to urinate. It would frustrate me SO much because it literally made my skin crawl. I would get up and only go a tiny bit. This would happen about 4-5 times and I finally would calm my body down and fall asleep. Well I’m an adult now and this still happens from time to time. It’s so annoying and I’m not sure why it happens? It’s such an urge to go and I can’t shake it off until I literally go to the bathroom. + +2) I’m on birth control and I have bad ice pick needle headaches. I’ve kept a headache log and it seems to happen soon before my period. However I am convinced that I have a brain tumor or some type of brain thing that’s causing me these HORRIBLE headache pains. It’s always the left aide of my head and the pain feels like someone is putting an ice pick in my head real quick then over and over again. (It happens minutes from each other and then some time will go by but it will randomly happen again) my doctor said I could get an MRI but I don’t want to because a) I’m scared if they do find something and b) I am just crazy and nothings wrong with me. Ps. I have a nose ring that I refuse to take out because I did once during surgery and it closed up. + +I’m a 26 year old healthy female.. on birth control, Zoloft and have hypothyroidism. (On meds as well) basically I’m just looking if anyone else has these feelings?!! + +Thanks so much. This community has helped a lot. Even though we all deal with this everyday and it’s a pain... it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has to suffer through this. :) ",Anxiety +35541,"Sleep disorder - heart starts pounding, thoughts races at 3am **like clockwork** every night I'm at my wit's end here. By all appearances I seem like a pretty mentally stable person. I've never experienced depression and am even-tempered, keeping cool and civil in most situations. But every single night, like clockwork, at 3am I get these raging panic attacks and can't sleep. Whether I go to bed exhausted at 10pm, or leisurely after bath/chamomile tea/meditation at 11 or midnight, almost like an internal alarm, I'm ALWAYS back up at 3am, my mind screaming panic and negative thoughts that I'll fail at everything, I'm a waste of space, nothing I do will ever work. This keeps happening despite my overall productive days when all the items on my to-do list at work and personal life are checked off. I've tried medication, meditation, nothing works. Any ideas?",Anxiety +35542,"Painful pinching head pain... Very scared A few weeks ago I had a really bad panic attack about having a blood clot from a really bad leg pain..it turned out to be nothing but since then I started getting these short, pinching bursts of pain on the top right side of my head in the same spot. At first they only happened once or twice a day, but now some days they happen more frequently or hurt more/less. + My neck and back muscles on the same side have been sore, and sometimes when I'm slouching or just getting out of bed is when the pain happens. I went to the doctor and she asked my family history of aneurysms, which was none. She scheduled me an MRI for next week but she said she really doesn't think it's anything.... Does anyone else get these? They also seem to happen more often when I think about it. ",Anxiety +35543,Can worrying cause you to feel sick?! plz help does anyone feel as if worrying about getting sick makes them feel as if they are sick??! every time i have something important going on i get terribly afraid I'm going to get sick and instantly feel as if i am sick i cant tell if its a coincedence or if I'm doing this to myself?! ,Anxiety +35544,"Rabies bite? Hey guys. So everybody thinks I'm too imaginative, but I recently got a very small bite on my finger from my new three month old puppy. I've had him 10 days today, and he's great. Eating and drinking regularly, playful, already understanding commands but last night I was playing with him and his chew toy and he bit my finger instead of the toy (my fault not his, he's teething) I immediately washed it throroughly, also used peroxide, finally placing Neosporin and band aid. + +He's getting his last vaccine (rabies) in two days. Should I be concerned that I have it?? He has not been outside or had any contact with any other animal since I've had him which like I said was for 10 days. ",Anxiety +35545,"2 days Fever after Heat Exhaustion Hi guys,i am feeling worried about my child. We went to a farm the other day and it was very hot. after leaving the farm, my child was not feeling well. She got a mild fever when we arrived in our home. 1 day after, she still has a fever and one time it went as high as 39' C or around 102.2' F. Right now shes resting in her bed and tomorrow we will be goin to the doctor. Could this be possible from heat exhaustion? sorry im not a medical person. hope to hear some advice. thanks in advance",Anxiety +35546,"On the Here and Now Looking out at a beautiful spring day I find myself buried in anxiety. Thoughts crash into my mind + +“*I’ve lost weight recently, what if it’s the beginning of the end”* + +*“I feel dizzy, oh god there’s something wrong I know it”* + +*“What if I stop looking and miss an important symptom?”* + +&#x200B; + +I am so fucking tired of this. We spend so much of our day worrying about the future or ruminating on our past. But we have *only* now. Our consious mind doesn’t inhabit the future or the past, it inhabits this very moment. Right. Now. + +And right now I don’t want to feel anxious. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to feel anxious ever but I can only change that *right now*. The best part? The more I change that right now, the easier it will be to change that for future me. + +&#x200B; + +So starting right now I’m going to: + +1. **STOP GOOGLING (and body checks).** My doctor once told me I have “googleitis” and the best and only cure was to just stop. Helpful advice there. +Obviously go to your doctor if you're worried about something, and by all means, get a second opinion if you're still concerned. Beyond that, leave it to the professionals to diagnose. +2. **Stop seeking reassurance for every symptom.** I know what people are going to say to me. “You’re fine”, “Statistically that only has a 0.00001% chance”, “breathe deeply”. I can do this for myself. I can be kind and firm with my own mind. +3. **Stop asking “what if”**. Things can and will happen. Worrying about the future will never help. We can only live our best lives now, and take life as it comes. +4. **Actually acknowledge statistics.** Next time I feel a symptom I’m going to ask myself “what’s the most likely cause?” Pretty much any symptom can be better attributed to harmless things like lack of sleep, too much coffee, too much anxious thinking, and so on. +5. **Recognize and challenge maladaptive thought patterns.** The more I think in anxious ways, the more my brain will automatically go back to those patterns. Time to see those thoughts for what they are: unrealistic beliefs and fears. + +&#x200B; + +I know anxiety is going to get worse at the start, but I can handle that. + +&#x200B; + +I can do this. So can you. ",Anxiety +35547,"There is always light at the other end of the tunnel! Just a little backstory; I have had hypochondria that has steadily i creased in terms of severity, since late last November. Over this period of time I have been worried about; going deaf, having heart disease/dying of a heart attack, going blind, having the Hantavirus, having lung cancer, and the most recent one - skin cancer. Throughout all of my fictional illnesses, even with the consideration of how rare they are to my specific case, I continued to believe I had them. I mean heck, I live in Australia and there are only 15 cases a year of the HantaVirus out of the whole country. Didn’t matter. My brain knew I would be in that 0.00000062% chance of getting it. Although of this considerably unrealistic thinking, I still believe that deep down I knew I did not have the virus. Enter, Skin Cancer. Out of all of my fears, this one really stood out to me. I had an ‘oh shit’ moment where I realised my petty fears before where nothing compared to this beast. Due to the fact I am a relatively avid golfer who plays without sunscreen and typically without a hat, this fear was so real to me. Book the doctors in, a 16 day wait I shit you not. In the beginning of this wait I was fine because my worries were on other things. However, approaching the date I developed absolute chaos inside of my head. I head to google and establish... “Yep... must be Stage 4 skin cancer, this is the end.” For the week I could not attend school, maintaining the fear there was a long road of chemotherapy, doctors appointments and eventually death, ahead of me. Today I finally go in to the get the skin check. I was essentially prepared to have my life torn to shreds if I needed to get a biopsy, and then to wait for the results of said biopsy. Doc looks at practically every mole on my body - nothing. No stage 4 cancer. No risk of death. Just, nothing. Although other worries have taken the limelight of the skin cancer, I maintain a sense of happiness and humour about how much I work myself up. How much I google every single one of my bloody symptoms. Not just I however - we all do. This story was to simply let people know that there always light at the other end of the tunnel and I cannot say it enough - stop googling your symptoms. If you are really worried about something, get it checked up with your doctor ASAP and put your concerns put to rest by the professional! ",Anxiety +35548,"Itchiness when sweating Hi All, + +Hope someone had some advice for this. + +I'm 28 and for the last 10 years plus I have had an issue in the winter months where I get really itchy when I start sweating. + +I can be walking to work, playing football or just in a shop that is too hot and I become unbelievably itchy and have to stop to cool down. + +There is no issue in the summer months. + +Any ideas?",Anxiety +35549,"Cervical Cancer I realize this is something I need to get checked out professionally though idk if it'll be possible soon. + +I, 23F, have had bloody discharge for over 2 weeks now. And though I don't fit into the risk factors (never had sex, don't smoke) and dont have any other symptoms, this is really eating my head now. + +Can anyone please share their experience or knowledge regarding this? ",Anxiety +35550,"Am I Going Crazy? So, I’m a healthy 27 year old American woman (today is my birthday) and the last few months have been almost unbearable and I can’t seem to get a grip on anything. For reference, it all started last November when I started having pain in my upper left abdomen that wouldn’t seem to go away. I’m currently living in Spain, which is where I’m currently living and working. My doctor said that I had acid reflux and told me to what I ate. Pain persisted, lots of mucus coming out, constipation, tons of gas. Decided to take a probiotic and managed to get my symptoms to disappear for a month while on winter break. Then in January, the pain came back. My stools were hard and dark, and the pain was consistent. Had an ultrasound and was told that I had tons of gas in my colon so they couldn’t see clearly, but my other organs looked good. But then, my coworker suddenly began having blood in her stool too and many intestine issues. Turns out that she had worms. I decided to check my stool, found something that looked like a worm, went to the emergency room, tool mebendazol to get rid of the worms (This also made sense because I lived in Asia for 2 years before Spain and had just recently moved). +Just after my first dose of mebendazole, I started to have a weird feeling in my lungs. Felt like I couldn’t breathe in all the way, but that was it. Anyway, in addition to that, I began to have sinus pressure, a mild sore throat, and drainage. +I took my second dose of the worm medicine, had a stool sample that came back clear of everything (no blood), and even a chest X-ray that was clear. I’ve been secretly worried that I have colon cancer since a friend of mine suddenly died at age 25 from it. She had no symptoms and went to the doctor with a persistent cough and ended up having stage 4. Since my lung issues flared up, I’ve been so worried that I have some cancer that has metastasized and went to my lungs. I haven’t been able to completely shake this cold yet and it’s been over 3 or 4 weeks. I still wake up and spit up yellowish colored spit. Lungs feel a bit off. To make matters worse, I’m still having stomach problems after being cleared of the worms and my doctor says that I probably have IBS. Then, last night, I began having heart palpitations and rushed to the emergency room. My EKG was normal and my blood test was normal. She said I have pvcs and need to relax. Honestly, I just feel like I’m shutting down and I haven’t felt healthy in a long time. I can’t seem to shake this chest cold, my digestive problems are still there, have some reflux too, and now pvcs. I feel like I’m a mess... just spent the morning of my 27th birthday in the emergency room getting the tests on my heart. Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +35551,"Blood in Urine Just noticed traces of blood in urine. The first time there was a bit and then smaller amounts to where I had to examine it to find some (I know it’s weird, but anxiety). The blood was not fully mixed it. + +I do have to note that I am on my period and using a tampon. So I’m not sure if that blood would be able to mix? Please let me know if you have a similar experience or I’m just freaking out over nothing. ",Anxiety +35552,"Anyone else get anxiety from eating at places you usually don't eat? Everytime I eat at somewhere I usually don't, I get an overwhelming fear that the food isn't cooked correctly or I'm going to have a weird reaction to it. Was wondering of anyone else had this problem and how to best cope with it.",Anxiety +35553,"What is this?? (Slight NSFW?) I felt something between my inner thigh and groin area, and I found this. I squeezed it a little bit and it drained a smidge. Ever since I did that though, it got bigger and it burns a little. :( +I'm really trying not to believe it's a blood clot. I googled and low and behold... made my anxiety worse. + +[https://imgur.com/a/6EkmIVZ](https://imgur.com/a/6EkmIVZ) +",Anxiety +35554,"13 trips to the hospital from 2018-present (went to the ER last night). Near trips to the hospital: Almost daily. Hey guys, + +I am really suffering in a way that makes life absolute torture. I have health problems, however they're compounded *significantly* by my constant fears of death and cardiovascular/heart-related health anxiety. + +Does anyone here ever feel like suicide is rational when your life has been distilled to daily panic attacks of the worst kind and constant thinking/fears of sudden death or further disability (i.e. strokes, fatal arrythmias, heart failure, etc.) + +I don't want to die, I fear the unknown so intensely, however I feel that I deserve dignity and mercy for my situation. I feel like I should have the right to end my own life because of the amount of suffering I experience on a daily basis. I want to have the option to terminate my consciousness peacefully and legally under the supervision of empathetic doctors and nurses. + +",Anxiety +35555,"Swollen lymph node, rash, dermatits and surprise another lymph node today What the fuck is going on with my body? + +In October 2018, my perioral dermatitis flared up again after accidentally eating gluten. It was around the time of the holidays and i was stressed due to major family issues. December comes and I start to notice and itch on the back of my neck. I also notice after I eat a heavy meal, I have this mild pain on the left side under my rib cage. Spleen? January - the rash is a deep red, unbearable itchy, oozing and now paired with a swollen lymph node. + +I change up my diet to vegan because I figured it was keto catching up to me. That helped and the rash slooowwwwllly got better but still lingers. Fast forward to this week - the itch is mostly gone but the lymph node is still there albeit smaller. Yesterday, I finally got my hair done because I couldn't previously with it so itchy. I noticed a deep pimple on the opposing side of my scalp. This morning, I now have a swollen lymph node where the pimple is. I also am hardly eating,not very hungry and have managed to lose around 10lbs in a month but this could be due to vegan, mostly raw diet. + +Of course, I researched online and the worse is coming up - lymphoma. I am absolutely panicked. I've been to a naturopath who put me on a multivitamin, hormone rebalancing herbs, probiotics and a liver cleanse. Help!",Anxiety +35556,"Head pains are worse then ever lately. Been fearing a brain tumor for a year now and I constantly get terrible heard pains. It can be on the top of my head, either side, wherever. They go in straight lines and hurt very very bad. I had heart fears last year and had chest issues but as soon as that cleared up the head fears started and have lasted for a year now. I’m scared constantly and think I’m going to die. These pains are just so intense. Maybe it’s brain zaps from missing medicine doses but I’m not sure. It’s been going on so long now and has been at its worst this last week. It’s like I’m having an aneurysm each time in the area it’s at and it scares the shit out of me. Anyone else got similar feelings?",Anxiety +35557,"So anxious I literally just ran out of the dentists office Basically title. + +A couple months ago I had a consultation to get a few teeth ""deep cleaned"" and two small cavities. No big deal for normal people, but I really dislike needles and put off going back. + +Today I go back and they insist on doing the deep cleaning of the whole mouth for $500, while saying it doesn't look bad on X-rays so the insurance company probably won't cover it. When I said I can't afford that, the hygienist basically scolded me and went to get the dentist. + +I started feeling like I was having a panic attack and removed the bib from my neck, put on my coat and bolted to my car. I still feel shaky now. Idk what's wrong with me. + +Don't know if I was being scammed or I just made myself look really foolish.",Anxiety +35558,"Punctured my hand with wire Was doing my art project and ended up stabbing myself with some wire an hour ago. It bled a bit and stopped, my arm kinda sore. Because of that I'm now freaking out that I could get tetanus. I don't think I've gotten that shot before and I heard you need it to stop tetanus. +But I have really bad anxiety so I wouldn't know if I'm imagining any pain I'm feeling. +I don't even know why I'm worried the puncture was like 1cm deep, but I'm still panicing about going to the doctors to ask if I should get the shot :( +Its always something with me :( always feel like I'm about to die everyday :( +",Anxiety +35559,"One spot on my spine feels tender, I'm worried it's cancer. I haven't been worried about my health for a while so this didn't concern me much until today. I notice that when I hunch over, or when I press on this particular spot on my back (near where my bra strap would be) it feels like I bruised it. It's not painful enough to disrupt my day, but it's a little disconcerting. I started googling and I saw a bunch of people who had this and it just went away on its own or it wasn't anything, but then of course I continued googling and ""back pain"" can be cancer. It's surface-level though, really does just feel like a skin bruise. And I don't feel it at all if I sit normally and don't press on it. + +How worried should I be? Any way I can rule out cancer? I'm seeing my doc for a checkup soon.",Anxiety +35560,"Could those symptoms be caused by stress/anxiety? Afraid of cancer I’ve been feeling really anxious about some things I’ve been getting recently. It started with sudden one-sided tinnitus at my right ear for at most, five seconds. I’ve dismissed it, since it seemed to be common. But then I’ve started to feel lightheaded for one or two seconds randomly, which led to more searching, and the discovery that one sided tinnitus could be a red flag for cancer. And thus started my anxiety + +Besides the tinnitus and lightheadedness, I’ve also had some muscle spasms. Not really common, once or twice a week only, and it’s just on the fingers of the right hand, along with a a weird twitching feeling on what I suppose is the median nerve. What left me more alarmed though, is that today, my vision suddenly became blurry, accompanied by a headache, lasting for three or four seconds. Never had that before. + +I’ve been very anxious about this, and I’m hoping that those symptoms are not that uncommon or at least, anxiety/stress induced. Should I go see a doctor, or just wait to see if it gets better? + +TL;DR: lightheadedness, one-sided tinnitus (SBUTTs), some hand twitching and quick head pain with blurry vision. Hopefully it’s just all anxiety",Anxiety +35561,"Possible mono...maybe something worse Noticed swollen tonsils/scratchy throat last Thursday. Still hasn’t gone away, but developed a persistent headache that intensifies with movement that’s been going on for like 4 days now. Obviously think it’s a brain tumour. Went to the doctors yesterday morning and they did a basic physical and did some neuro tests (because I complained of strange, intense headaches). Doctor ordered some blood work to test for mono but to only go through with it if my condition worsens + +All day today I was extremely tired. Had to stay up to write a final essay but then around 3 am I start shaking uncontrollably (chills) and was burning up. I felt like I could’ve thrown up any second. My fever reached 38.9 C which to me is extremely high. I took an Advil about an hour and a half ago but my temperature is still the same. I’m too scared to go to bed because I’m worried my fever will skyrocket and I’ll die in my sleep + +I’ve been so good with my health anxiety lately and now this just randomly came along :( these are the only 2 outcomes in my head: +1) I either have mono which I actually wouldn’t be too nervous about because then at least I know what’s wrong +2) I have cancer + +Do you think this new fever warrants the blood test for mono? Has anyone ever had mono and their symptoms sound similar? ",Anxiety +35562,"possibility of getting/having cancer is on my mind 24/7 i've developed really bad hypochondria over the past six months or so. i feel these weird shooting pains throughout my abdomen, lower back, and chest, and i'm constantly thinking that its cancer. my family has no history and i've been perfectly healthy throughout my young life but for some reason this paralyzing fear is always in the back of my mind",Anxiety +35563,"23 year old male with Lymphoma like symptoms Hi everyone! + +&#x200B; + +I have had an interesting few months, and would like to share my story with everyone! Would love some feedback given I am not seeing an Internal Medicine Doctor until the end of April.. Here goes! + +&#x200B; + +Background information: + +In May 2017, I had a nice EBV infection that lasted a year. Additionally, I have thalassemia minor which I believe has never effected me, and Asthma which is mostly brought out due to my dust allergies. + +&#x200B; + +Current issues: + +In February this year, my cheeks randomly started swelling which has never really happened to me before. I didn't think much of it, but after a week of them staying swelled I visited a Doctor. He said it's likely due to the cold weather and sent me off. + +About a week later I developed a nasty lung infection, it caused my lymph nodes to swell like crazy, and a very mild sore throat for a few days. I went on Antibiotics and the symptoms went away. + +About a week after that, I got food poisoning which then eased itself out after a couple days. + +&#x200B; + +After the food poisoning however, some of the initial symptoms came back. My cheeks kept swelling, and my lymph nodes (on my neck) were overly active. I went to the doctor, and he gave me some Ventilin and another inhaler, as he thought it was due to lung inflammation. + +&#x200B; + +A couple weeks later I started developing fatigue, I could sleep 10 hours and feel as if I didn't even go to bed. Then at around dinner time every day I would feel sick to my stomach, and extremely light headed, I didn't get it but thought maybe I was just stressed. + +&#x200B; + +I then got another lung infection which went away naturally, but after this one, the facial swelling and lymph node action came back harder than ever. I even started developing numbness on my temples during night time, and have been noticing almost rapid hair loss on my hairline (Never had any signs of balding before). Which now leaves to the last few days.. + +&#x200B; + +I went into the ER yesterday as I knew this was problematic. They said they couldn't find anything alarming in the blood tests, but did notice my spleen was enlarged and that they will perform an ultrasound. The results from the iron test and stool analysis won't be back until next week. + +&#x200B; + +I'm going to be honest, I have had health issues my whole life, this is the first time in my life where I am really really scared. I have googled the symptoms as you do.. And really the one that fits the story the best is Lymphoma.. + +&#x200B; + +I'm curious to hear what people think. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks for reading!",Anxiety +35564,"Chest pain anxiety. CHD & open heart surgery survivor. Apologies for this wall of text. I just need help. + +So I'm new to reddit and to this sub. I know that chest pain is a very common symptom/trigger of HA, but I haven't been able to find any resources about cases similar to my own, although I'm sure they must exist out there. + +So I am a moderately healthy 25 year old woman. I excersise, I eat healthy, I was slightly overweight as a teen, but I've been at a healthy weight for the past 4-5 years. I was born with a somewhat serious congenital heart defect (CHD), an atrial septal defect (ASD) to pe precise. At the age of 5 I received corrective surgery for this defect, and have been considered healthy and symptom free ever since this surgery. I have had no major health events since this time, and I have never had any sort of restrictions placed on my physical activity levels by my cardiologist. 4 years ago I entered into a long distance relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, and it was around this time that my HA began. I believe it was triggered by my fears that something would happen to one of us while we were apart, and that we would never see each other again because of sudden death due to illness or a freak accident. I began to be plagued by images of him dropping dead of a heart attack or getting hit by a car (same for myself). We lived in 2 different countries, and usually spent 8-9 months apart in between brief visits, and as our time apart progressed I was aware of new unhealthy habits forming (googling symptoms, anxiety induced nausea/chest pains/numbness/tingling/jaw pain). + +We are now married and have been living together for a year, and although I am happier than ever, all of my bad HA related habits have decided to make a home in my brain. I feel so unlike myself as I have never expeirenced anything quite like this before. I was so caught up with dealing with a long distance/international relationship that I didn't do anything to stop the progress of this anxiety and now it has become an integral part of my day to day life. Like many of you I experience chest pain, numbness, tightness, tingling, and nausea, and I have been to see my doctor on a few of these occasions, and have been told that I am fine. I have even been to the hospital (same results). Again, I know this is all very common for those suffering from HA. My added complication comes from my history of heart defect/heart surgery. I wish that I could just erase my knowledge of this event since it really exacerbates my HA and often sends me into a spiral. Although I know most of my chest pains are benign, the fact that I have had major surgery lends just a bit more credence to the HA voice telling me I'm dying, and this is destroying my mental and physical health. + +It doesn't help that I can't find any resources on living post-op from a pediatric heart surgery in your 20's/30's, and what to expect as you age. All of the materials I find online about what to expect after a heart surgery are clearly directed towards 55+ year olds, which is very alienating. I am always the youngest person in the cardiologist's office by several decades, and I've never met another person in my age group that has had open heart surgery. I've looked for support groups for young adults living post-op from CHD's, but I haven't been able to find anything. + +My question is this. Does anyone on here relate to my story/situation? Does anyone here have a history of CHD and open heart surgery? Since I can't find any information about this, my HA is telling me this is because they all died young and my time is limited, although I know this cannot be true. I just want to talk to someone about their experience with this and get support from people who know where I'm coming from. AH and CHD open heart surgery are an abundantly shitty combination and I know my current anxiety levels are unsustainable. I can't live like this. + +Even if you haven't had open heart surgery, any advice/resources would be welcome. I'm very overwhelmed and not sure how to deal with this. ",Anxiety +35565,"Unsubscribing today. Thanks for all of your support. This sub has helped me through a lot of health concerns, but today I'm finally in a place where I can deal with it on my own so I'm posting to hopefully help someone else. + +I started off as a mess and eventually got a full heart/body checkup including an MRI and wore a heart monitor for 24-hours to check out my palpitations. After being told that everything is fine that was a big step. Getting a professional, comprehensive medical diagnosis to rule out what you're worried about goes a long way. After chest pains, numbness, tingling in my limbs, dizzy spells, being sent to the ER because urgent care thinks I might be having a stroke, and a ton of other shit, something outside my control changed: my stress level. I took on a different role at work that is much less stressful. I had no idea how big of an impact this was because I didn't consider myself ""stressed"" but several symptoms subsided with this change like everything digestive and the chest pain is less frequent. After I was told the chest pains are costochondritis (inflammation of the rib tissues, read: stress-induced) I saw a chiropractor for about 5 months who taught me some stretches and self-adjustments I could do with a back roller and now I've trained myself not to panic when I feel those chest pains. Just do the stretches and trust that I'm fine and sure enough, I am. Also, my doctor told me to cut caffeine and I didn't listen. I am a coffee junkie and cut back, but didn't cut it out entirely. Well recently I switched to decaf (I know, stick with me) and it's been life-changing. Yes, this is obvious. Yes, we all know caffeine raises your physiological arousal level. But many of us keep consuming caffeine not realizing just *how* much it actually contributes to the cycle. I'm a much happier person on decaf and I don't think I'll go back. I found out all of the shit I was dealing with can be caused by anxiety. So this whole time, it was the fear of a health problem that was causing health problems. Stress impacts us more than we realize! + +So to recap, here are the things my dumb ass put off doing forever that really made a huge impact: + +-Get a doctor's opinion. As in, a thorough one if possible instead of just a quick visit. They will run some tests and give you a professional take on it. When you get this - TRUST IT. If you have reason to believe the doctor missed something, get a second opinion but really you should trust the doctor. + +-Manage your external stress. This doesn't mean quit your job, but if something is stressing you out (a situation at work, a significant other, family) take some real steps to get out of that situation! In my case it was a lateral transfer and a change in responsibilities but man did it lower my stress levels. + +-Cut the caffeine and any other stimulants including recreational ones. If you struggle with anxiety, your brain is already pumping you full of stress hormones in a fight-or-flight response. You absolutely do not to make it worse. Even a little can impact some people (like me, apparently). + +-For the love of Reddit, never Google your symptoms. + +The terrible thing about anxiety is once it has you, it's a downward spiral. But the inverse is true too. Once you are confident in your situation and know the quirks of your own body, you can come out of it quickly too. Hope this helps someone.",Anxiety +35566,"Buspar, how long? I started taking 7.5 mg of Buspar twice daily as of this Wednesday. I know it's probably too soon to expect relief from it yet. But for those that have taken it, in your experience how long before you felt a difference? I'm really struggling w/crippling anxiety but I keep reminding myself the medicine takes time to buildup and to be patient. ",Anxiety +35567,"Eating WAY Too Much Sugar Hi, I’m 18 years old and literally addicted to sugar, like anything sweet. I managed to stop eating it for about a week a few months ago, but now I’ve gone back to my old habits and constantly eating sugar basically every day. + +I have anxiety already, but this is making me constantly worried about my health and my future. + +If anyone has any ways in which I can stop eating so much sugar it would be great.",Anxiety +35568,"Lightheaded/ dizzy after walking I (33/m/222lbs) recently started my weight loss journey (down 27lbs since january) and started going to the gym this week. I spent 45 minutes on the treadmill just walking and afterwards felt very dizzy and lightheaded. I make sure to drink lots of water throughout the day. I did lead a very sedentary lifestyle before this, and have recently quit smoking. Does anyone else ever feel this way after walking? Is this normal? Am I just THAT out of shape?",Anxiety +35569,"Worried about Smoke So I never smoked and always thought that was that, but lately I’ve been reading about the dangers of second hand smoke. + +Where I live EVERYONE smokes. Go for a coffee? It’s in your face. Go to the bars? Clothes smell like smoke. Walk on the street? SMOKE! + +I’m freaking out. I know it’s not as bad as me smoking, and for years there were no smoking laws (remember non smoking sections on airplanes?) and most people were fine. + +But I’m convinced I’m doomed to COPD or lung cancer, especially since I have asthma. Though my asthma is well contained.",Anxiety +35570,"Antibiotic cocktail and side effects Disgusting me has a bacterial infection in the stomach and I'll have to take 15 pills every day of antibiotics to get rid of it. Normally I won't take a look at the side effects because I know I will go insane about them, but after my mother saw the prescription she said I should consider another form of antibiotic treatment that only has 70% success rate (compared to 95%) but less side effects. SO I looked up the side effects and its worse than anything I've ever taken. It's nausea and diarrhea and vomiting in over 10% of cases and a condition with black burnt skin and multiple organ failure with unknown probability. As I'm already vegetarian and you're not allowed to eat dairy products I have to go vegan for a week and I'm not allowed to go outside in the sun cause the medication will cause my skin to burn in the sun. + +I can't find the side effects for the other therapy but I also I want to be done with the whole thing if I survive the ten days. I'll probably take the pills but I will properly go crazy and miserable too.",Anxiety +35571,"Does anyone worry about long term quality of life? So for example, I have a had a fear for the last couple years now that my jaw ache (probably from anxious grinding) is going to get worse and worse and I will damage my joints and live a miserable life. It's scary because it's the thought of a degenerative thing that is long term and not something that will get you suddenly or kill you, but the thought of it being there all the time even if it's not the case. Anyone else get instances like this?",Anxiety +35572,"That awkward moment when your health anxiety was 110% accurate. Fml. I’ve spent my whole life not feeling right. My immune system has always been shit. Seizure activity as a child-teenager. Anyways, I’m 25 now and I had my adrenal gland removed a few months ago due to a benign hormone-secreting adenoma. It was found via MRI in October. + +Not even a couple weeks after surgery, I noticed extreme mental changes. Which led to paranoia. And then I lost 30+lbs and stopped sleeping completely. I would get SO angry over shit that wasn’t even important and I had to literally shut it down by cutting myself off from people. My hormones were a mess according to labs. I just KNEW something else was wrong. + +A week ago today, I got an MRI which confirmed a brain tumor (of the pituitary). I have to have my concerns because I work in the medical field and I usually know what something is the second it starts creeping up. But I thought it was impossible to have another one present itself, even though my last tumor was benign. Fml.",Anxiety +35573,"Tonight is a bad night. For the first time in months, I’m too terrified to go to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll die in my sleep. I’m dealing with some really awful stomach issues, which I got an ultrasound for today but I won’t know the result for days. I’m scared. I’m exhausted. I just want to feel normal, if only for a few moments. I’m starving because I’ve been too worried to eat all day, plus the random nausea. And to top it all off, I’m feeling out of it from the sheer exhaustion, which is only amplifying my anxiety. + +When does it end? ",Anxiety +35574,"I feel a colon cancer meltdown coming on I probably wouldn’t be worrying so much about colon cancer if I hadn’t spent nearly 24 years of my life being fed ultra processed foods and then going on to cook ultra processed foods for myself. I wish I was more self informed about how bad this food was for me. + +I’m just now starting to figure out what’s good for my colon even though I thought I was doing things right (eating frozen vegan patties which may be even WORSE now that I think about it. I was worried about processed MEAT only and not processed meals in general). + +I’ve had hemorrhoid symptoms lasting over 2 months now (itching and bright red spots). Bowel habits constantly change. Lot of gas, bloating, and nausea. Feeling hungry more than usual. I had diarrhea for the first time in a month and a half last weekend, no bowel movements at all for almost 4 days. + +TL;DR I’m nearly 24 years old and have eaten processed food most of my life, worried about colon cancer because of that but also really hoping I just have some chronic hemorrhoids, and improving my diet moving forward ",Anxiety +35575,"Wall of Eye Floaters Help So I have floaters. Evident by the fact I'm posting here. Whether they stay or go away in a few years, I don't care. 23, so I have all the time to wait. One thing that I've recently noticed though is that when I almost close my eyes completely and look up at the sky during the day, I can see an entire faint sheet of what I assume is the liquid my floaters are in, and I can see the entire field of my vision is in what essentially looks like a very faint wall of bubbly protiens and crap. When my eyes are wide open it's harder to see but in the sky I can still ever so slightly notice it. My question is, has anyone had this along with the more prominent floaters and did the wall eventually go away? I don't mind the individual ones but having literally all my vision be through this murky shit is stressing me out. +",Anxiety +35576,"Masturbated too much 2 weeks ago It was hard to properly explain what is wrong right now in just the title, so hopefully this whole post isn’t too graphic. About 2 weeks ago I masturbated dry way too much and I injured myself, and my ejaculate was slightly pink and i had groin pain. I rested and put ice in my groin area that night, and a week later I felt better. I ejaculated again and it looked fine, but there was a weird piece of something, it looked kind of like old dry blood, it was dark red and tiny. It happened again recently, about another week apart, and now I’m freaking out. Did I injure myself really badly? Should I see a professional? Or just wait longer than I am again to heal properly? I can’t find anything like this online, so I’m freaking out. Please help.",Anxiety +35577,"3 year problem I have had this numb, tingling sensation in the same spot for over 3 years now. It’s everyday same spot and never really gets worse, I only really notice when my mind isn’t busy. I am on medication for it as my neurologist said it is a migraine disorder which I beg to differ. I have had 3 mri scans even with contrast and two eeg which came back normal. I occasionally get pins and needles in leg and tingling on left side of face. I am convinced I have ms and lately I have been experiencing muscle twitching right arm for 2 days now..which is pretty constant. I am worried about having ALS and I am so scared to go back see a doctor about it. ",Anxiety +35578,"I keep picking up infections In 8 months so far I had : +-2 big colds / flu +- 2 other colds/ sore throat +-trush +-an eye infection + + +What the heck? I'm 31,veggie, good diet +I don't exercise but I have an active job. Shall I be worried? (I mean I am as a perfect hypochondriac, but am I right to be?) +",Anxiety +35579,"I have a ridiculous fear of HIV/AIDS Hey all, + +I just want to get this on paper (well, you know what I mean) + +I just found this community today, and I just want to express my irrational fear of getting HIV/AIDS. +So, today I was doing laundry (university dorms) and I realised there was some face towels from another person in the wash after I washed my clothes. + +I have a small cut on my hand and I for *god knows what reason* am afraid of getting HIV or full blown AIDS, because in my brain, I touched a facecloth of someone I don't know, and don't know their history (its a uni dorm so sexual activity is obviously bound to happen) + + + + +I sound so stupid but I *can't get rid of the thoughts* + + + + +Also, to add stupidity to this, I am **asexual** so that takes out a huge risk of getting it. I also don't do drugs. + + +How do I talk myself down out of this.",Anxiety +35580,"I just found out I'm diabetic. What now? Hey folks. Yesterday I went in for a routine DOT physical to get my medical card updated. These happen every two years to make sure my health is in check for driving a rig. + +So, I go in to my appointment. I give a urine sample. There is a massive glucose concentration. They use a diabetic meter and my glucose level was a 257. With almost no symptoms apart from occasionally dry mouth/thirst. I went and immediately got an a1c test to determine what's going on. (I understand this won't find Type I, but it's worth doing). I've taken my blood sugar three times since. Last test yesterday was still in the 250s, today it's been 157 for two tests. + +I'm worried. I enrolled in insurance yesterday because I'm not financially prepared for the lab work, but I cannot continue driving until this is diagnosed and handled. + +I bought a bike to start trying to get my weight down and keep active. I'm internally freaking out right now. I've always had good health minus a little extra weight. Any advice? + +Thanks ",Anxiety +35581,"Been putting off taking an antibiotic Hey guys, + +I have been having symptoms of a UTI for a two weeks now and I was prescribed originally Cephalexin for 5 days - this didn’t get rid of my symptoms. On Monday I went to my Primary Physician and she prescribed me Augmentin but I have been too anxious to take it. I’m scared I’m going to have a bad reaction to it, but I need to take it because I don’t want this UTI to get worse. Not sure how to make myself take it, the fear is incredibly strong. + +Has anyone else gone through this? ",Anxiety +35582,Grip weakness Does anyone else experience weak grip strength right when you wake up in the morning? If so any idea what causes it?,Anxiety +35583,"walking mess yesterday at work i would be drinking water normally and would notice a sharp pain at the top of my head but would think nothing of it at first. several sips later, the sharp, almost electrifying pain would occur in the same exact spot it had before. so i kept sipping and noticed that it only hurts at first, and the pain goes away if i continue to drink repeatedly. fell asleep with hopes of waking up with it being gone but unfortunately the first sip i took gave me the same incredibly sharp pain in the same exact spot. i can swallow my own saliva and eat food without any problem.. when i’m not drinking anything i can still feel a slight pulsating pain in the top part of my head, my left eye is spasming uncontrollably, and my ear on the same side hurts when i apply pressure to it. i’ve tried researching the pain to see if it’s worth visiting a health care professional but can’t seem to find anything. should i be worried more than i already am?",Anxiety +35584,"Reiki I, II, III ART & III Teacher Qualification SPECIAL Offer [Reiki I, II, III ART & III Teacher Qualification](https://twitter.com/backe_f/status/1098190134594306050) 95% off + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35585,"Does anyone else have a fear of doctors? I am a hypochondriac and I never go to the doctor. I know, it doesn't really make sense, but when I am sick (infection, fever etc.) people always tell me, I should go to a doctor. But I never will. I don't know how to explain it, but the diagnosis would just scare me. The last time I went to a doctor was because I got vaccinated and because of my tinnitus. I'd rather just stay home and suffer. Does anyone else have this? Just thinking of going to a doctor gives me anxiety.",Anxiety +35586,"Health Anxiety is a Beast I’m just having one of those nights/weeks/month where the anxiety is piling up. My son was recently diagnosed with a form of epilepsy and my daughter will be starting speech therapy soon, amongst other things going on. I’ve had pretty severe health anxiety over the course of my life (32/f) but this year it seems to be peaking. I’m currently on the tail end of a week long brain tumor worry and I found my self going down the Google rabbit hole again tonight after reading a news article about “silent (brain tumor) symptoms”. It’s been a rough night. I really thought I could see the light at the end of this tunnel. Ah well. Just looking for some support and maybe we can cheer each other up. Thanks for reading if you did! :)",Anxiety +35587,"Health Anxiety that leads to new worries! Had a CT scan I didn’t need because I wanted to check for cancer of the pancreas, liver, and colon (I know this isn’t diagnostic) and while all of those important things are golden....the ct showed “mild urinary bladder thickening is noted anteriorly, this may be secondary to underdistension”. Have had a few drs tell me that that means my bladder wasn’t full so it looked thicker. Is that good enough for me? Nah. Has to be bladder cancer. Gonna try to get a urologist to give me a cystoscopy because I am CONVINCED, this time, THIS IS THE TIME it’ll be real. I fucking hate myself. My PCP begged me to not need the referral to the urologist. He left it in my hands and I had to take it. *sigh* oh, 37/F ",Anxiety +35588,"trouble peeing? i always see posts about people with anxiety peeing too often but never this :( + +&#x200B; + +i can eventually go, sometimes hours later, but everytime i go to the bathroom i'm either waiting a solid minute before anything comes out or i'm just leaving the bathroom panicking cause nothing happened! i like to believe i'm just psyching myself out cause i'm very conscious of the fact that i'm worried about not being able to go everytime i actually try to go haha, doesn't stop me worrying intensely that i have a brain tumour tho... (for 3 years, this however is a new symptom) ",Anxiety +35589,"Neck pain I have TMJ and I went to yawn and it hurt and now I have a pain in the back of my neck, where the skull meets your neck, tight in the middle. Worried I fucked something up :( ",Anxiety +35590,"How do we know that it is SVT rather than VTach? Very rarely, I will have these 5 to 10-minute episode of sudden high heart rate, above 180. I learned that this is may be SVT. I have already seen a cardiologist and she did all sorts of tests and concluded my heart is structurally normal and there is no worry. But no test has ever been able to catch these rare ""racing heart"" issue of mine. I have had these since I was a kid, decades ago. And I do have them every couple of months or sometimes there will be 1 or 2 years between ""attacks"". No other symptoms except the racing heart which feels like it's ""lightly beating"" so fast (I once counted up to 200+ bpm). On Holter the ""worst"" they caught was a few isolated PACs. + +&#x200B; + +Now I have been reading about VTach and this seems to be dangerous kind of arrythmia because there is a chance if can go to Vfib. Yeah, we anxiety sufferers are a hypochondriac bunch. + +&#x200B; + +So how do I know what I have all along is NOT VT? Now I am so afraid to be left alone and so afraid of those attacks whereas before I learned about VT, I did not mind them too much as my cardiologist assured me I am okay. But now, I am always thinking what if these are SUSTAINED VT rather than a more benign tachycardia??",Anxiety +35591,Can tension headaches kill brain cells or cause brain damage? I've been studying a ton recently. Once when I was studying I got a bad tension headache. Ever since then I've been worried that it killed my brain cells or caused damage and it's driving me crazy.,Anxiety +35592,"DAE feel like they've accepted death since having HA? So my health anxiety has gone a bit mad, every time I'm reassured by my doctor of one thing, something else pops up straight away. +I'm not really sure how to cope as I've only really had significant HA since early last year. + +Recently I've been having palpitations & arm pain, I'm checking my heart rate/BP almost hourly. I feel like I've now began coping by just sort of accepting that I might die as I'm too embarrassed to seek reassurance from anyone in my life. + +Does anyone feel the same, or have any better advice other than the 'roll over and die' approach? +Thanks guys",Anxiety +35593,"Left pinky finger numb So this is day number 3 and my finger is still numb. I can move it, but I heard that numb fingers or tingling in your left hand can be a sign of a heart attack. The thing is, I went to ER twice and my ECG was good. I have slight tachycardia and I'm not convinced that I'm healthy, despite the doctors telling me everything's fine. Chances are low at 29 and as a woman to get heart issues, but I can't believe that my anxiety is producing all these symptoms. On top of that, I have neck, sternum and back pain and I'm dizzy. My blood pressure is 106/69, but my pulse is always over 80. But the worst part is my hand and especially my pinky finger. Did anyone else have these problems.",Anxiety +35594,"Should I really see a gastroenterologist? *If this post in anyway violates the rules of this subreddit please let me know. If this post doesn't belong in this subreddit please kindly direct me to a subreddit that might be more suited for this situation. Thank you in advance.* + +&#x200B; + +Hello! I am a 20yr old male (soon to be 21) that has indeed been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I have dealt with these issues for around 6-8yrs of my life. Part of my anxiety issues is changes in eating habits. Things such as me not eating when get a full blown anxiety attack, feeling some stomach cramps when eating certain foods or eating them in certain locations, and sometimes feeling discomfort when I have a BM but not all the time. + +I am writing this because this week has been super stressful causing me to have a few anxiety breakdowns (one major one yesterday). Today is the aftermath and my mind is really letting me have it. As of now I'm hungry which makes me anxious which makes me not eat which makes me feel sick which makes me more anxious. It's perpetual :T + +I don't want to keep going through this. I have been to many doctors, have not been given meds and have underwent many tests. I also did go see a therapist for a while but stopped going when my anxiety issues went away. + +**my point is** + +Should I go back to my psychiatrist, reopen my case and perhaps get medication? + +Or perhaps this is seems more like a digestive issue and I should see a gastroenterologist? + +Or should I go back to see my therapist? + +Or lastly do all three?:< + +&#x200B; + +If you left a comment below, I thank you for your support.",Anxiety +35595,"Struggling with fear of carcinogens everywhere + +Hello, just wondering if anyone has advice, info, anything relating to this would really be great; I have a problem with fear about contamination but mainly in the form of long-term damage, ie being exposed to a unknown carcinogen, or drinking water with lead, or exposure to anything that is deadly / harmful, but only through exposure over time. + +This is mostly fueled by any story of ""new chemical used in products and only 5/10/20 years later people confirm it's a carcinogen / otherwise dangerous"". + +Because of this I get stressed out with chemical things like cleaning products, detergents, anything scented, general air pollutants, clothing dye, any drinking water, plastics touching food, heavily processed foods, and so much more. + + I'm struggling to get over it because these cases do happen, and I wouldn't know there was a problem until it was too late; I can't shake the feeling it is rational to at least have some skepticism... but I know it's impossible to know about everything and I want to stop stressing out so much. any coping tips or advice would be great, thank you. ",Anxiety +35596,TFW i convince myself im going into hypothermia by using a thermometer i know is broken Seriously fml,Anxiety +35597,"Pro tip: don't Google symptoms if you're logged into Facebook. They will use the data from your searches to give you relevant ads and articles and it will exacerbate your HA. There have been times where I've frantically googled the symptoms for everything from MS to brain tumors to ruptured ovarian cysts and shortly afterwards I would see an ad or an article about something related to it-- nearby gynecologists, cancer centers, etc. But since I've stopped doing that, I don't see them as much anymore. It's been really helpful in taming my anxieties. + +Googling something once every so often doesn't affect the algorithm too much I don't think, but when you're a chronic symptom-checker (like I used to be), triggering ads definitely start becoming more prevalent. So resist the keyboard and just breathe. ",Anxiety +35598,"First it was lung disease, now it’s a brain tumor Basically I started working at a chemical company 6 months ago (poor decision knowing i deal with HA) anyways next week I start a new job, next week I also am closing on my first house that I’m pretty much getting forced into buying from my uncle after he had a stroke (getting a crazy deal) so my stress has gone through the roof, a few weeks ago I noticed shortness of breath and was fixated on my breathing patterns and convinced I had lung damage or fluid in my lungs, got xrays and everything was fine and it eventually subsided for the most part, about a week ago I started to feel “out of it” and now it’s a constant disconnected from the world feeling and a tension headache and episodes where I feel like I could just pass out also my eyes feel funny, I started to wear my glasses again out of fear that a brain tumor is causing my eyes to be blurry so I’m now convinced I have a brain tumor, anyone else dealt with anything similar? ",Anxiety +35599,"Super anxious Hi everyone. So, Im freaking out right now. I'm really scared that I have HIV. I moved to a big city at the beginning of the fall for college, and I decided to try hooking up. However, it was always an instinct to use a condom when participating in sex. I've always topped too. But, I stopped after a couple months because I felt like I was doing too much. But, about a month ago, I hooked up with another dude. I've topped every dude I've had anal with and I've used a condom every time. However, I'm so scared that I have contracted HIV. I keep looking up the risks and everything. From information to ""use condoms"" to ""condoms don't always work,"" my anxiety has skyrocketed. As I type this, my cheeks and neck are red hot causing me to think I have a fever. It's more of a deep blushing feeling because my face is only affected along with my arms. But when I tell myself I'm good, my cheeks go back to normal causing me to think I'm jinxing myself. In addition, I feel a little more tired than usual. + +I'm just so scared. I protected myself but I don't know if something went wrong along the way. I don't recall a condom breaking but sometimes the other dude would give the condom to me, and Im scared that they might have done something to it. I'm just so frightened. I tell myself that I should go to a nearby clinic and get tested, but what if something results that makes me fall into a depression. The semester isn't over and my life would completely change. I just need some piece of mind. My spring break wasn't even relaxing due to me freaking out. Any advice?",Anxiety +35600,"Depression or fear of it? Hi guys, this is the first time I post in this subreddit, so, let's get started! + +For about two weeks I have been feeling very frightened about the idea of ​​being depressed, also because this anxiety is accompanied by a kind of weight that I feel inside my chest and that accompanies me all the days. + +I haven't lost interest in activities or in socializing, but when I am at home alone I start to think and look on the internet for symptoms and feelings about depression, and end up feeling scared, anguished and sad with this feeling of heavy head and the impossibility of thinking positive. + +What do you think, is it all the fault of anxiety and hypochondria that have been with me for years, or is it the beginning of a depressive phase? ",Anxiety +35601,"Random Twitching / ALS Fears I was hoping to find some relief here. About 5 months ago I had some bad panic attacks, with high blood pressure, likely due to high stress. Same deal, thinking I had heart issues. I've been on the generic version of Buspar and a blood pressure medication since then. Things seems ok, until I started to have panic attacks again. A friend told me he had twitching issues with the Buspar, so I'm hoping maybe thats it. + +For the last 3-4 weeks I have been having all sorts of weird twitches EVERYWHERE. Mostly been in the bridge of my nose, but also in my back, head, arms, neck, abdomen, legs, knees, elbow, and butt. It's very random just a small twitch here and there, and there seems to be no pattern to it. They usually will last a couple seconds. I've been having bad anxiety and stress lately. My wife and I had a baby recently and when I got back to work from my leave, a bunch of people were laid off. A week into being back at work I started having bad panic attacks, chest pain, reflux, I started to get spasms in my esophagus, and trouble breathing, which made me think I was having a heart attack. I then started obsessing thinking I had a heart condition. I got checked out by the doctor and some blood work done and everything checked out ok. I was relieved to hear that things were fine. My doctor switched out my blood pressure medication, but then I started getting muscle twitches all over. Thinking it was because the medication, I went back to my old BP medicine, but after being off of it for over a week, it's still happening My family has a history of ALS, seems to happen later in life, 60+, but when I googled muscle twitching, my anxiety completely went off the rails. The twitching seems less severe, but it's still happening. + +I went back to the doctor do more blood work, check for an electrolyte imbalance. I should have the results back at the end of the week. I started CBT last week with a therapist, but the unknown leaves me constantly fearing the worst, and I'm finding it hard to find relief. I haven't been sleeping well because of the baby which could be contributing to the problem. + +Has anyone else had issues with muscle twitching following panic attacks?",Anxiety +35602,"Six pack a day I drink a six pack a day. And have for several years. I'm a 30 year old Male. I'm 5'6"" and I weigh about 175. Other than being a little chubby I feel healthy. Just wanted some insight into what other people thought. I had a check up about a year ago and was healthy",Anxiety +35603,"Does fast or slow heart bpm correlate with heart problems? If you think you may be having heart issues, but the your heart rate is normal, this is probably a good sign, right? I would assume that if something is really wrong your heart rate would surely rise. ",Anxiety +35604,"Woke up with calf pain right leg yesterday. Blood clot? F(26) started on a combined birth control pill last week. Have GERD and occasionally take omeprazole. I’m 5’3” and 115 lbs. relatively healthy. + +I woke up yesterday and had muscle aches all over my body but most noticeably in my right calf. Not striking pain but very sore like I worked out too hard. I worked out on Thursday so possibly it’s a delayed pain? I also have some pain in my back and shoulders, as well as one side of my neck when I turn. Wondering if I maybe slept on it in a weird way? + +Now I’ve been freaking out about possible blood clot/DVT. I’ve been having some pain around my heart but I think that might be anxiety about this. I don’t particularly want to go to the doctor unless the symptoms get worse. Any advice?",Anxiety +35605,"For HA Sufferers with different anxieties than mine... I have very distinct HA fears (STI’s namely) so whenever someone talks about brain tumors or aneurysm’s I just can’t relate. This is refreshing because it reminds me of how other people feel when they hear me talk about my complex theories of how I might be ill. This isn’t minimizing what anyone else is saying, but this forum does provide me with a really good perspective on my own issues. Thank you to everyone who is willing to be vulnerable on here... having HA is painful, and opening up about it is even more painful. ",Anxiety +35606,"Health Anxiety: A Hypochondriac’s Guide - A NEW PODCAST! Hello everybody, + +As a longtime reader and occasional poster on this here sub, I just wanted to let you know about a new podcast episode I’ve recorded, in which I discuss my experience with health anxiety. I also share things that helped me overcome and deal with this often hellish condition. + +[The episode can be found here on iTunes.](https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/heavy-mental-podcast/id1454724561?mt=2) + +We’re also on Spotify too — just look up “Heavy Mental”. + +I’m also the dude that wrote about health anxiety in a blog post, which I think some of you might’ve already read? + +[You can read the blog post — that I reference during the podcast — here.](https://rhysowenking.wordpress.com/2018/03/04/healthanxiety/) + +I hope everyone’s having a good day and holding up okay. Keep going, if I can do this, you can do this. + +Thanks for looking. + +Rhys",Anxiety +35607,"Signs you DONT have cancer https://www.google.fi/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/living/1950603/doctor-goes-through-ten-signs-that-suggest-you-dont-have-cancer/amp/ + +A great article I found that helps me battle my cancer anxiety. Most of the health websites list vague widespread symptoms that can convince even the healthiest person they are dying. I’d like to hear what symptoms can help us anxious peeps to rule out those pesky deadly diseases. + +So, pitch in, please:)",Anxiety +35608,"seizure worries? hi everyone! + +i need someone to tell me i’m not losing it. lately i’ve been worrying that i’m just going to have a seizure. i’ve completely convinced myself that it’s going to happen when i’m not at my house. + +yesterday i went out to eat with my parents and we were sitting in chairs at the restaurant and i leaned my head back to laugh and of course, i hit my head. at the time it didn’t feel hard enough to do anything but now it’s really worrying me. i’ve tried to avoid googling anything so i won’t further my own worries. + +my cousin has seizures but no one else in the family does and i’m just feeling crummy about this. the rational part of my brain tells me i’m fine but the panicky/anxious part tells me not to go to school or work because you’re going to be uncomfortable and definitely have a seizure. ",Anxiety +35609,"Maybe you do have a health condition, but it's more likely to be benign/chronic than whatever you're imagining I used to have bad health anxiety. Until I was diagnosed with POTS: postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. + +What is POTS? At it's core, it's an increase in heartrate when you're standing. To be diagnosed you need to have a standing heartrate that's 30+bpm higher than your supine (lying down) heartrate. + +But what is POTS really? It's a complex condition of the autonomic nervous system. There are dozens of possible symptoms, all somewhat benign, ranging from heart palpitations to nausea to trouble regulating temperature. Some people with POTS aren't affected much while others are confined to a wheelchair because of their fainting spells. Yes it can be a terrible experience, but it is *not fatal.* + +So why am I telling you guys this? + +Because there's a 100 conditions like POTS. Simple, relatively ""harmless"" conditions that make you feel uncomfortable, but pose no risk to your life. To name a few: + +* Raynauds disease - intensely cold fingers/toes +* Fibromyalgia - pain/aches in muscles +* Arthritis - pain in bones +* Asthma - difficulty breathing +* TMJ - jaw pain, headaches +* Crohn's disease - abdominal pain, gas, diarrhea, vomiting +* Cyclic vomiting disease - recurring vomiting spells +* Ovarian cysts - pain in pelvis, back or side +* Hypothyroidism - fatigue, weight gain, hair loss +* Anemia - fatigue, coldness +* Sleep apnea - sleepiness, snoring + +I'm not saying that it's easy to live with these conditions. No way. Most of them suck. HOWEVER, they are not cancer, they are not heart disease, they are not multiple sclerosis. + +So when you're listing your symptoms, focus on what the *most probably cause*. Neck pain? You probably have ""text neck"". Stomachache? You probably ate something that your stomach doesn't agree with. Headache? You probably have some environmental or dietary trigger. + +/r/healthanxiety is very near and dear to my heart. I spent many anxious nights terrified because of heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, muscle cramps. I can't tell you how much of a weight off my shoulders its been to have a diagnosis. (I should've mentioned that the caused of my POTS is mitochondrial dysfunction, which comes with another huge slew of symptoms) + +I hope anyone here with an undiagnosed chronic condition can find a diagnosis and treatment asap. I know it's hard to keep your head on straight until that happens, but try to! You are your best advocate. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35610,"Health anxiety is affecting my relationships I’ve been a ”worrier” for all my life about everything. Health anxiety is just a part of it. Now I’ve come to the point where it’s starting to negatively affect my relationships especially with my partner. The worst of it being that i got drunk, lost memory for a bit, became convinced that i was taken advantage of and contracted an STD and created a weird situation in my relationship. There was no indication that this had happened, other than a minor cold that i was sure was a symptom of a disease. + +Understandably he is upset and i felt guilty. It was awful and we’re still in the middle of it. This has to serve as a wake up call that my life is so negatively affected by all this. I’ve been festering at home all evening not being able to do anything but worry. My head is in pieces. All i’ve managed is to use reddit as an occasional distraction. I need help, i feel like i’m lost in this. + +The point of my post was to hear success stories of others overcoming these fears and honestly to just find some hope and support. ",Anxiety +35611,"In need of some advice/support Hey all! First I want to say thank you to everyone in this sub. I’ve been quietly reading your posts for months now and it is truly the reason I don’t feel so alone anymore. +I’ve been dealing with health anxiety since I was 12. I saw a poster in the nurse’s office at school which explained the symptoms of menengitis and spent almost a year touching my chin to my neck to make sure I was okay. Then, it turned into having anxiety about HIV/AIDS and lymphoma. My anxiety was so bad I had to drop out of my dream college because I couldn’t handle it. +I felt happy for years after that. I focused on other things. But this January something changed. I suddenly began feeling everything I used to before. Constantly worried about various diseases even after being reassured that I was okay. +It’s straining my relationships with my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. My constant reassurance seeking is making everyone lose their patience with me. I feel like I can’t handle it anymore. I sleep most of the day because that’s the only time when the terrible thoughts don’t come. +The worst part is this feeling I like to call “happy...but”. It occurs in situations where I feel happy but cannot truly experience the moment for what it is because I’m worried. “I’m happy...but I could have a disease” “I’m happy... but it will only be for a little while until the anxiety comes back.” + +Anyone else feel this way? ",Anxiety +35612,"My fear if brain eating amoeba is ruining my life ? I'm new here, but I've been to counseling multiple times and I still can't get myself together. +So, it all started in December when I was taking a shower, and a droplet of water got in my nose and I snorted it, it ruined my entire Christmas cause for two whole weeks I was waiting to die. It totally traumatized me, I never got over it even when a month passed. + +When I shower, I hang a towel nearby and wipe my face whenever it gets wet . When I wash my face in the morning, I dry out my nose with a cloth after, even if I'm late for work. When I brush my teeth , I hold my breath. When it's raining outside, I breathe with my mouth . Sometimes when it's raining a truck will pass by and water will splash on my face and I'll need to go to the nearest gas station and get a tissue to dry my nose out if anything even got in there. I don't go swimming anymore, even though I used to do it as a sport. I'm always careful when drinking water, I'm even scared of my own spit when I laugh of it getting up my nose. I guess I'm just scared of water as a whole now, I know my fear is irrational and I can't even get the infection from most of these things. Also, I live in Canada where we've never even heard of this stuff before. + +I even read you could get the intention from soil or dust. So I'm afraid to breathe in or touch my nose with a lot of things that I think have dust on them or dirt. I never even put my hands towards my face anymore without washing 4-5 times first. + +I've started having severe existiential crisis caused by this, I'm always scared to die and it keeps me up at night. I just want to be normal again like before and not worry about these things anymore, but it's so hard.",Anxiety +35613,"Blood in post nasal drip When I wake up in the morning and only in the morning I have what looks like blood mixed in with my phlegm. This has been going on for about 3 or 4 days. I also recently got over the flu. The blood has been dark for the most part as if it's been there for several hours and once there was bright colored blood mixed with the dark blood and phlegm.The phlegm is extremely sticky to the point I can't clear it from coughing but have to physically wipe with a q-tip. I instantly am worried I have cancer or some other life threatening illness. I do have cobblestoning on my throat and believe I have some form of acid reflux. I also sleep with a fan on. Is this a combination of my seasonal allergies, fan and acid reflux drying my sinuses out which is causing the blood or something I should take more seriously. I've been drinking as much water as I can and have been using a humidifier at night. I'm freaking out and can't afford to keep going to the Dr for them to dismiss my fears and worries.",Anxiety +35614,"Shortness of breath/Lymphoma/PE Hey guys, + +&#x200B; + +First of all, I need to say I'm so glad I found this community ! I've read several post and it's good to see that I'm not alone with that hell that is health anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +I've always had anxiety but rarely experienced physical symptoms from it. For 5 days now, I really have trouble breathing. It feels like I'm always gasping for air. I did have chest pain for the first days but not so much now. I feel like something is stuck in my throat. + +&#x200B; + +All of this started because I found a painless lump in my neck about the size of a pea. Of course, I googled it and found it might be lymphoma. I also googled shortness of breath and found it might be PE (which is scary because my grand mother had two PE in fall). + +&#x200B; + +I did a pulmonary Xray and blood test 1 month and half ago and everything was normal but I can't help but think of the worst. I'm fairly young (F 23) but the fear of having cancer or suddenly faint is intense. I have a doctor appointment coming up (not related to this) and I don't know what to tell her without sounding crazy lol. + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for reading.",Anxiety +35615,"Anxiety over therapy Hii! + I live in Belarus and in my country there are no CBT practitioners. All our doctors can offer is pills. Maybe talking therapy. I don't want to spend my time just talking about my anxiety, it's not gonna help. +I've been struggling with anxiety throughout my life. +I had OCD (sometimes still have it), but overcame it on my own using Internet and articles of Dr. Steven Phillipson. +I had GAD (just general anxiety 24/7) and overcame it by accepting using the book by Claire Weekes ""Hope and help for your nerves"". +Now I suffer from severe health anxiety. +I've read some books and other sufferers on forums told me some techniques. What I've been using is more ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) than CBT. And it was quite helpful for me. I have always had problems challenging the thought, it's much easier to accept it and let it float past me as clouds as ""just anxiety"". +Lately I've read on Wikipedia that CBT is a gold-standard approach. And developed anxiety - ""what if (yess classic what-if thought) the approach you've been using is wrong and is not recognized by therapists?"". I lack confidence, although I have tools. But I continue googling.( +I understand this is just another anxiety about the therapy) maybe a sign I'm recovering. +",Anxiety +35616,"Panic, pain and tingling in limbs - is my birth control driving me crazy? Hi there everybody! It's my first time posting here but my anxiety is skyrocketing recently, so here's a quick summary of my problem: + +I feel constantly stressed and pressured due to mental health reasons. Last year, during a very stressful stretch at work, I passed out the first time and I've had dizzy spells ever since. Had blood work and an examination with a heart rate monitor made, nothing major except for a slightly lower blood pressure. Thought I was going to die the entire time, of course, but it got better then aside from me growing obsessed with my health. + +Fast forward to today. After stressing for a whole month that I might've gotten myself pregnant I finally started birth control on the 16th, thinking I might finally chill, but nope! Now I'm convinced I'm developing a thrombosis or something worse. I had a panic attack last week that my SO had to talk me through, thinking I was having a lung ebolism, and now suddenly my right foot, wrist, upper arm and leg hurt, I get tingles in my right little and ringfinger, and occasionally there's this burning sensation around my knee and elbow that just... make no sense whatsoever? Travels to my left side sometimes, too, and my hands are often cold. + +Can someone please tell me that I'm okay? I've been to my doctor so many times this month because of different things and I'm so embarrassed to turn up there so often for little to no diagnosis. I should know my symptoms are too much over the place to be anything serious, but I just want to go through a single day again without me obsessing over every little pin & needle that I'm feeling. :(",Anxiety +35617,"Bad Tattoo Experience making me lose my mind I got a large elbow tattoo Wednesday and it's RUINED my mental since, to make a very long story short basically the tattoo artist wasn't as clean as I'd like him to be, he didn't even wash his hands before putting on his gloves and tattooing me, the needle and grip were new but the tattoo wire was not covered in plastic or the workspace. He says that he uses a very strong cleaner between every client but my mind doesnt want to accept it. + +&#x200B; + +To make it all worse he didn't do the tattoo i even wanted, and did a fucking terrible job so now i have a huge bad tattoo with a terrible story with it and just waiting til i can lazer it off. + +&#x200B; + +I can't stop thinking I could've got hiv or hepatitis c because of this, do you guys think I am being crazy? I went to my doctor and asked the opinion of many people in the tattoo and health field and they all say I'm fine but I can't stop thinking that I could've ruined my entire life and it wasn't even my fault. + +ANY ideas on how I can make myself feel better? Thank you",Anxiety +35618,Headache with blurry vision Can I please get your opinion before I go full blown panic attack and go to the ER. I'm sick and my voice is gone and I'm stuffed up. Not fun. So that's freaking me out but my head hurts a little and I feel like my vision is a bit blurry when looking at my phone. My big fear is an aneurysm.,Anxiety +35619,"Bleeding after having bowel movement So I’m a 24y female. And every time I have a bowel movement I bleed. There won’t be blood in the stool, but when I wipe. + +This has prompted me to... inspect my asshole if you will (I feel weird admitting this). Anyway, i have tears that bleed. It feels slightly painful while in the process of defecating but after I’m ok. Now, I know this probably just anal fissures but at times I worry that it could be serious. I’ve been taking cymbalta for almost a year to help me with my health anxiety. + +I just need to know if anyone else has anal fissures and how to combat them? This is making me nervous Everytime I use the bathroom. Sometimes the blood is minor sometimes it can be a good amount. It seems like when the year is ALMOST healed I make it come back ☹️. + +I also do strain.. if that could be a reason. Thanks for reading and replying if you do",Anxiety +35620,"I’M [23F] FREAKING THE FUCK OUT -All last week was getting headaches and I never get headaches or have allergies +-Friday and Saturday when sitting down for a while and would stand up my head would feel very heavy, got dizzy and dull pain enough to make we wince. +-Monday morning woke up sucking from my throat a decent amount of blood mixed with my mucus. +-Constantly since Monday morning sucking up either bright red blood streaked all through mucus or just straight up like dime to penny sized black blood clots in mucus. Seriously every couple of minutes sucking it up. Occasionally will stop for 30 minutes or so but always starts up again +-Havent been sick or coughing or had nose bleeds +-Went to doctor on Tuesday they sent me for blood work which still isn’t ready, referred me to and ENT. Saw them today they put a scope down up my nose and down my throat didn’t see anything ordered an XRay of chest and MRI of my brain. X-ray won’t be ready for 24-48 hours and MRI people aren’t even calling me schedule until Monday. Going on four fucking days of spitting up dime to penny sized blood clots and I’m just sitting around here probably fucking dying while I wait on all these tests. +-Did ease up a bit today just smaller bits of bright red and dark black blood throughout the day towards end of day started to turn more brown than red or black and I started to feel better until I just spit up a huge black clot. WHATS HAPPENING ",Anxiety +35621,"Kidney infection anyone? (21M) Had some weird urinary symptoms. Left it longer than I should have. Health anxiety struck and I'd convinced myself it was a UTI that'd spread to the kidneys, and obviously death was imminent. Went to the walk-in and they said urine looked good (no UTI), but they'd do the STI tests. Whatever. + +Now I'm convinced that they didn't look hard enough into the UTI and that it's already spread to the kidneys and gone septic. I started feeling sick and got a fever last night. Probably a cold or something cuz I was out in a big city all weekend but obviously it's all connected in my mind. + +Taking everything in me to not go to the ER and wait to go to the non-emerg clinic tomorrow.",Anxiety +35622,"Have had stomach issues for a while, and nervous about pancreas Although I've had a cat scan with dye and abdominal x-rays, I just had a pale colored poop and can't convince myself I don't have pancreatic cancer.",Anxiety +35623,"Got a bloodtest, scared to hear about Leukemia. I've posted this in r/AskDocs but I just wanted to hear more. Sorry. I'm seeking as much support as I can that isn't from people close to me because I don't want to scare them too. + +I'm a 18 year old female living in Canada. 5'9, 60kg, Half Chinese Half Russian. + +I have always had pretty good health for my entire life, so such a sudden change in health is scaring me to death. For the last week, my skin suddenly changed. I have never really bruised, no matter how hard I would hit my knee on something no bruise would ever appear. My family always joked about how even if I fell off a building I'd be completely fine since my skin was ""so thick."" + +For the last week, I've noticed weird changes in bloodclotting. I pick at my acne sometimes (gross, I know) and it would be fine the next day; however, suddenly now when I wake up, I see a HUGE blood scab and bruising around a small white head I picked at the night before. It made me look diseased but I brushed it off as something silly. + +Then my legs and arms started having weird red dots all over, paired with bruising in odd places like the middle of my thigh where I would never get hit or hurt. It isn't a rash, and my doctor appointment confirmed today that it wasn't a rash too. + +Not only were my legs and arms covered in these red speckles but my chest, upper belly, and my gums were too. The days before I was surprisingly out of breath. I was out with my friend and constantly needed to sit down after a couple minutes of walking. Even in the bus, I was extremely uncomfortable with standing and would squat in the middle if there were no chairs because I could not stand to stand. My friend joked about it and so did I as I usually would walk quite fast and wanted to go everywhere. Such a sudden change left her a bit weirded out too. + +I finally decided that I was freaked out enough to go in a walk-in clinic. The doctor said it MIGHT be hemophilia and sent me to get my bloodchecked. Now I'm waiting anxiously at home and can't get the thought out of my head. I know it's useless to be afraid and think about it but I've never had such a sudden health change in my life. As I'm typing this I feel strange little zaps in the joint of my right hand. I haven't really told my friends and definitely not my parents as I don't want them to worry. + +All I can do is wait. + +Some pictures of my skin: + +[https://imgur.com/a/A6FYF3k](https://imgur.com/a/A6FYF3k) + +There are more bruises but they are a bit more faint, either way, I don't do enough physical activity to seriously injure myself in these many places.",Anxiety +35624,"Concussion worries I hit my head on a concrete wall last weekend and got a mild concussion (confirmed by doctor yesterday) I’ve been sitting letting myself heal at home, and was playing with my cat with one of his toy lightsabers. I held he tip as he played with the handle of it. I thought to myself while daydreaming “could you imagine if I hit myself in the head with this” and while in he daydream apparently my body acted this of and I hit myself in the head with the handle at it’s full length. Now I’m worried that I’ll cause serious damage because my doctor gave me a pamphlet to avoid head injuries after concussions because it can cause permanent damage. It wasn’t super hard but it was still a hit. I’ll just keep resting and try not to worry about it. ",Anxiety +35625,"Extreme fatigue. Anyone else relate? For the past 5 months my fatigue has been very overwhelming. Worst I've felt in all my life. My symptoms are fatigue, malaise (generally feeling unwell), light body aches randomly, not all the time, very tired, sometimes my body feels heavy and unbalanced, which then triggers anxiety because I fear I might pass out. It's so bad I can't focus on life or work. I struggle daily to get out of bed. + +Few facts about me. I'm 27, 171lbs, white male, 5'10"", fitbit tells me I get around 6.5-7 hours of sleep per night, I eat alright (should eat more veggies), I got a cubicle job without windows, I drive 1 hour total per day for work. I don't excercise much, mainly light walking with my dog or in hallways at work, I suffer from depression and anxiety, I stopped taking the 5mg Lexapro cold turkey after being on it for 5 years, 2 months or so after I stopped the symptoms and fatigue started, I reinstated 0.5mg Lexapro using liquid solution made from water. I have only had 1 blood tests in my life at age 26 and I didn't fast. They found my vit d was 20ml but everything else checked out. + +I want to die. I feel like death. If there is a God please show me mercy. ",Anxiety +35626,"I turned down additional medical testing! Had a problem and went to a surgeon for an opinion. TMI *She confirmed that I had some internal hemorrhoids that likely caused some pain/bleeding injad a few weeks back that caused me a lot of worry and distress* END TMI. + +I had an open conversation with her about my medical anxiety and was given three options of: + +- Wait and see if symptoms resolve, then possibly book a relatively non-invasive treatment +- Book treatment now without waiting +- Have invasive colonoscopy you have no real indication of needing just to get a full medical workup and ease my anxiety + +I CHOSE THE FIRST! I'm proud of myself. I listened to what she thought it was, what to look for, and I decided not to feed my anxiety and see if my symptoms go away on their own. I'm honestly a bit amazed with myself.",Anxiety +35627,"Chiropractic adjustment on neck now scared of cervical artery dissection This will sound ridiculous and it is embarassing to even type but that is what we are all here for to get these issues out in the open and find people who can support us right so here it goes. I am a 27 y.o male and have been seeing my chiro for years because I would get headaches. He uses the drop table method and I have had my neck adjusted 100s of times before. Last week I went to my doctor for an unrelated visit and mentioned I was seeing a chiropractor. He responded right away ""dont let him touch your neck"" he told me that an older patient of his had had a stroke days after a neck adjustment because of a torn artery. Now I will mention that the chiropractor this patient had seen was using a different type of manipulation on the neck as opposed to the thompson (drop table) method. At my chiropractic appointment yesterday he did what he normally does and worked kn my back and neck. this time my neck was sore all night and I have not been able to sleep or focus on work or my kids because all I can think about is ""what if he tore something, what if I am going to have a stroke????"" seems silly right? Anyone who has health anxiety knows that these ludicrous thoughts seep into our mind and pollute our rationality and thinking. I have all but convinced myself I am going to have a stroke and die and leave my kids behind fatherless no matter how crazy I know it sounds. My neck hurts as of writing this but very mild discomfort perhaps a 2 out of 10. I would assume if you tore an artery you would feel it? Anyways I would love some responses maybe just to reassure me or if anybody has some insight on an issue like this they could share. + +cheers",Anxiety +35628,"Fear of MS . Ok, first time posting here. I'm 21yo. +So to make it clear, i've never had panic attacks or stuff like that so I don't know if I truly suffer from health anxiety. +Now, in the past few weeks I have had 3-4 episodes where my finger would get kinda tingly for a few minutes at most and three days ago my right hand felt tingly for 30 minutes or so; I then went to see my doctor, who thinks I have anxiety, who told me that it is almost certainly anxiety but if I keep having these symptoms for the next 15 days I can come back and he'll make me get an mri or something like that i'm not sure. +For the past three days I only felt tingling for a few seconds in my feet and I am CONSTANTLY fearing that the symptoms will come back, like I can't go 2 minutes without thinking about it. +Also since I was younger, wherever I laughed a lot( like a lot as in those cases where you laugh for minutes and almost cry ) my face goes numb/shaky or trembles and the same thing happens when I'm anxious sometimes, and especially after I am relieved. +Lastly, like 2 years ago or so my left lower back and hip felt like they were sunburnt for 3 days for no apparent reason. +I can't go on like this, I am CONSTANTLY thinking about it and expecting symptoms to show up...I don't want to die..",Anxiety +35629,"Tips for letting things go? TLDR at end + +I am 17, recently coming off a fear of +having visual snow. I had read about it and essentially convinced myself that I had it. I am no longer anxious about that however, and I am now on a depersonalization scare. I have had HA for a few years, all over things that haven’t been problems. Recently, for about a week, I have been afraid that I have depersonalization disorder. I don’t have the same symptoms, and I don’t truly believe I have that disorder, but sometimes when I think about it (the disorder) or when I think about the fact that something could be wrong with me, everything feels surreal for a few seconds. I have wierd thoughts where I think “I’m actually here and doing things”. This can often happen after i have been on my phone for some time, or when I have been distracted and I snap out of it. I believe it is just snapping back to reality, and my brain has taken this and made it into a problem. I’m pretty sure everyone experiences this from time to time, but since my brain thinks it’s a problem whenever I think about it I feel that feeling. I realize it could also just be an awareness of how many things I do without really thinking about it every day, like tying my shoes, and my brain thinks that because I am not truly thinking about what I am doing I am depersonalize. In conclusion, do you guys have any tips for realizing that you’re ok and letting things go? + +TLDR I have HA, feeling weird, I know nothing is wrong, how I do convince myself that I’m ok so i can forget?",Anxiety +35630,"Sore armpits Armpits have been feeling sore for a while now (I do not work out or do heavy lifting) and I did have a small lymph node pop out behind each ear... The swollen lymph nodes behind my ears are pretty much gonna but I'm freaking out after going online worrying about it possibly being lymphoma.. + +Help!",Anxiety +35631,"Ready to look into medication but anxiety began with...medication.. Help me? So my story with health anxiety, being a hypochondriac, what-have-you, actually started with medication.. + +I was using Xanax for a good while, things kind of spiraled for me and went from a “when I am having a panic attack” use to a full blown addiction. Blah blah. +I think it might be important to add I ABRUPTLY kicked this addiction in a single day after being given a (clearly not RX) Xanax, laced with something horrible, almost died, huge ER bill. The whole 9 yards. That was enough for me, was the last time I have taken so much as an ibuprofen. This was the middle of 2017. This RUINED ME. My anxiety over this one night has vastly affected the past 2 years of life, without a doubt. + +Fast forward through a long time of the absolute hell of withdrawal and just pretty much (seemingly) permanent drastically increased anxiety, that didn’t exist on a scale even close to this before even being put on Xanax. +Went through a decently long period of CBT, talk therapy, lifestyle changes, etc. kicked a large amount of the anxiety. The agoraphobia, social anxiety, extreme fear of any male (lol) + + +BUT, here we are, present day..... I just can NOT kick my health anxiety. +I can’t. If it’s not one thing, it is another. This is an every other week thing, where I am completely obsessed with a new thing. I won’t name them all as I completely realize that can be very triggering but I am currently fixated on breast cancer. +I don’t think I can do this any longer, the constant obsession and panic and symptom analyzing, noticing every mark or spot on my body, etc. And I sure as hell know that I can’t afford it either. I am going absolutely insane over all of “my diseases” + +So the point is, I am ready to seek out a medication option.... But how does someone who’s anxiety has literally all stemmed from a single pill, go about this? +What are some of your experiences? How can I convince myself to begin a medication when I can’t even take a Tylenol? How do I shake the fear of another medication further screwing up my brain? + +Getting very desperate and need a little push or insight to really shake this thing. ",Anxiety +35632,Anxiety about going blind? I keep convincing myself I’m going blind and keep focusing on my vision and convincing myself somethings wrong. Anybody else have experience with this?,Anxiety +35633,Fast heart rate I was at a baseball game and felt my heart was racing a bit. I checked an my pulse was around 112. It’s almost 3 hours later and I’m still around 100. I’m normally around 80. Of course I’m freaking out thinking that I’m having a heart attack. No other symptoms to speak of other than just feeling incredibly anxious...which I know isn’t helping the heart rate. Any experience with racing heart and how to help it calm down? ,Anxiety +35634,The movie “Contagion” has to be a hypochondriacs worst nightmare🤦🏽‍♀️ That shit sent me off when I was a kid I was prettified 😂,Anxiety +35635,"Worried about a wrong dix of fibromyalgia Im a 26 year old male, +So for the past 6 months ive had alot of body achsles,weakness and twitching muscles and other weird stuff, and they did a bunch of blood work, mri's and a emg test which i was told were all normal but alittle low in vitiam D(which i take a supplement for) however about a month ago my rheumatologist said"" it looks like its fibromyalgia"" and told me to take vitiams and mediate which i,ve been doing, i was feeling about the same but was ignoring my symptoms which helped, however for the past 2 weeks ive had a weird sensation in my thoart, tons of salvia, and shortness of breath, i went to urgent care and check lots of things and said it is probably a mild case of bronchitis. Im just worried because everything thats gone on and now im having trouble breathing that my fibromyalgia dx is actually somthing more serious like MS, AlS or some kind of cancer.... any insight would be very helpful",Anxiety +35636,"I am doing much better! Hey guys had an awful panic attack that sent me to the ER back in August and started a whole slew of anxiety related problems and oh boy I don't wish this upon anyone. So I have had pretty much every symptom under the sun from anxiety and SSRI medication. I could barely function, work, study, I couldn't leave the house. Then the health anxiety started up and I wa sure I was dying all the time. Pain would be all over the place and move around and change the type of pain. All just anxiety. Life was brutal. But since we rarely see posts on this. I AM DOING WAY BETTER!!! I feel like my normal self and honestly feel like i am a better person I am much more compassionate, sympathetic and understanding because of my experiences. And for everyone battling anxiety, I know it can feel hopeless, but you can get better. Take things one day at a time. Just try to do 1 thing better everyday. ",Anxiety +35637,"Concerned for Co-Worker (Vision Problems) + +I’m reaching out on behalf of a co-worker. Over the past three weeks, he has been having progressive problems with his sight. I’m not sure of all the details, but he has been to a family doctor, an optometrist, and a doctor that specializes in how the nerves relate to eye sight (not a neurologist, can’t remember the name). I’m not sure of all the tests performed, but he claims to have explored just about every route possible, and no one can tell him anything! I asked him what the next step was, and he told me there were no next steps. + +He is 64 years old, and has had cataracts previously, but has been fine in the six years that I’ve known him. He wears glasses due to being farsighted. The problems started about three weeks ago, and have progressed to the point where he can’t make out anything that he can’t make anything out (glasses or not) that is more than about 10-15 feet away from him. I was talking to him this morning and standing about that distance away, and he said he couldn’t make out the details of my face. + +From his explanation, if you take each eye and break it off into quadrants, each week he starts having problems in a new one. So, he had problems in one quadrant in his right eye three weeks ago. Then problems in another, and so on. Currently, he has blurry vision in three of four quadrants in his right eye and one of four quadrants in his left eye. Beyond this, I don’t have much more info. + +Does anyone have any insight as to what this could be? Or what steps he could take? + +Thanks everyone!",Anxiety +35638,"Terrified that I have Lung Cancer Hi all. 29 y/o F. Never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I have fully convinced myself that I have lung cancer and it has consumed me fully. I spend the entire day googling symptoms. I have had a weird on and off cough since September. It doesn't keep me up at night, though. It is somewhat productive with clear mucus. My breathing also feels strange, like I have to do a little cough when I exhale sometimes. I've recently noticed pain in my mid-upper back near my spine. + +&#x200B; + +In December, I started having a bad pain below my shoulder blade. My PCP ordered a chest xray, which came back normal. I had a CBC in December which was normal, except for low B12, which I've been supplementing with B12 vitamins now. + +&#x200B; + +Do you think it's worth me asking my PCP for a low dose ct scan?",Anxiety +35639,Right foot is buzzing/vibrating along with twitching in legs. For about 3 weeks now I’ve been getting cramping and twitching legs. Yesterday my right foot feels like it’s vibrating. It’s driving me nuts. Of course I’m thinking it’s ALS or MS. ,Anxiety +35640,I'm a year cancer free but I can't stop worrying about relapsing. There's a 15% chance it can come back. Not a day goes by where I'm not worried I'll just be dead before i know it. It's all so terrifying still.,Anxiety +35641,"How do you keep your health records? I keep mine in a cabinet. And sometime it is really difficult to lookup, especially after we have children and paper documents became a mess! + +I came up an idea to build my own application to help me do that. Check out this [http://lucycare.us](http://lucycare.us) . If it helps, feel free to support me :) + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +35642,"my mum died of adult death syndrome and I’m scared it’ll happen to me too I’m 15 years old and I’ve been worrying about this pretty much every day since my mum died, I’ve had a lot of problems with high blood pressure the past 2 years and thats made me really depressed and just worried all the time, but that got better about 3 months ago, but the past 2 days I’ve had a really bad pain in my left arm and I was convinced it was a heart attack when it first come on, but I went to my doctor today and she told me it’s just a trapped nerve in my shoulder so that made me feel a little better, but to be honest this is making me feel the same way I did when I was in and out of hospital with high blood pressure, I know a trapped nerve isn’t really something to worry about but I think it’s just been kind of a shock to me so I thought I’d come here looking for some reassurance, all in all I’m terrified what happened to my mum will happen to me and the idea of death just terrifies me all together, it’s causing me to have severe anxiety and today was the first time I’ve been outside in months, I just want to start doing the things I enjoy again and stop worrying and thinking I’m going to die everyday. +",Anxiety +35643,"Seeking post-cancer anxiety advice I had cancer at 21 and been clear since but it created some serious anxiety. I get real aches and pains from the scars but also the fake aches and pains from anxiety, the trouble is differentiating between them. I usually get weird looks when I see a doctor about these aches and pains, so I feel embarrassed to see my general doctor. I have trouble keeping up with my cancer tests and follow ups because I’ve always been needle-phobic and get panic attacks when it comes to anything related to medical emergencies. I know better then to search WebMD, but if I hadn’t searched WebMD when I was 21 I wouldn’t have suspected a tumor and seen a doctor, so I have a fear that cancer is back or that there’s a real unrelated issue. I’m trying to see a psychiatrist, but does anyone have advice on how to deal with the health anxiety so it doesn’t get to the point where I feel the need to go to an ER? Is there any benefit to seeing a cardiologist or checking on these anxiety aches and pains? Is there such a thing as health related PTSD?",Anxiety +35644,"Selling post-cancer anxiety advice I had cancer at 21 and been clear since but it created some serious anxiety. I get real aches and pains from the scars but also the fake aches and pains from anxiety, the trouble is differentiating between them. I usually get weird looks when I see a doctor about these aches and pains, so I feel embarrassed to see my general doctor. I have trouble keeping up with my cancer tests and follow ups because I’ve always been needle-phobic and get panic attacks when it comes to anything related to medical emergencies. I know better then to search WebMD, but if I hadn’t searched WebMD when I was 21 I wouldn’t have suspected a tumor and seen a doctor, so I have a fear that cancer is back or that there’s a real unrelated issue. I’m trying to see a psychiatrist, but does anyone have advice on how to deal with the health anxiety so it doesn’t get to the point where I feel the need to go to an ER? Is there any benefit to seeing a cardiologist or checking on these anxiety aches and pains? Is there such a thing as health related PTSD?",Anxiety +35645,"Don't know if I legitimately messed up my neck or if the stress is making it this way For the past 3 weeks, I've had stiffness and discomfort in my neck. For the first 2 weeks, I'm pretty sure it was a legitimate issue of carrying heavy bags on my shoulders while traveling. It started to feel better but then I felt the back of my neck with my hand and I noticed a hard lump where my skull meets my neck. It seems reasonable that it would be my spine but I've never felt it before now and it's close to the surface and large. It seriously freaked me out and now I can't stop messing with my neck and pushing on it. It is now stiff again and hurts. I convinced it was my own fault from messing with it and being super stressed out again. But this morning I also noticed that when I move my head side to side in a certain position, there is a crunching sound that almost sounds like sand grinding. It makes my head and neck feel almost dizzy but seriously uncomfortable. I don't know if that is real or anxiety. I'm going to the doctor on Monday but I'm afraid they won't take me seriously, but I think I may have legitimately messed something up I. my neck. I'm young and this came on rapidly so I don't know if I screwed it up from traveling or what. But I'm seriously scared since it's near my spinal cord and I will go paralyzed or have to get surgery. Has anyone dealt with this? ""Crunching/sand sound in neck"" seems to be a common Google search but no satisfying answers.",Anxiety +35646,"i need advice 17-Male here +Hi, so a week ago i woke up and my legs were tingling. I thought it was normal and it would go away but then hours went by and it was still there. I started panicking and googled my symptoms and regretted it instantly. I’m hypochondriac. Sometimes the tingling would spread to my arms and hands. When i start moving, the tingling stops. When i stop thinking about it, the tingling stops too. My right knee is kind of stiff too and before this tingling started my legs were stiff but this stiffness has been happening to me since years. I’m afraid of going to the doctor. Should i be worried about it? What should i do? It’s consuming me. ",Anxiety +35647,"TSS I’ve used super absorbent tampons over the course of the last few days. I may have left one in a tick more than 8 hours yesterday and now I’ve convinced myself that my hands are redder than usual and that I’m going to die. No fever, chills, vomiting or diarrhea. Some peeling on my feet (pads of toes) but that could’ve been there for weeks because it’s been a bit since I got a pedicure. My hands and feet do feel a teeny tiny bit tingly, but that very well could be because I’m having a mini freak out. + + +My understanding is that if I actually have TSS I would know that *something* is up relatively quickly. +",Anxiety +35648,"Lump on back of neck? I’m a 16 yr old female and earlier today when I was brushing my hair, on the left side of my neck, in the back right at my hair line I brushed past something that sorta stung but I didn’t think anything of it, then today when I was washing my hair I felt it again and now I’m spiraling. To me it feels relatively small. When my neck is extended it feels harder but when I’m relaxed it doesn’t feel too hard. It feels under the skin. I had my sister look at it and she thinks it’s merely a pimple or something and my mom says I should update her in a well about it. But of course I googled it and now I’m unsure if I’ll be able to stop thinking about it ",Anxiety +35649,"What are some subs you like to visit to get your mind off of whatever you're worried about? Ive been dealing with another round of health anxiety for about two weeks now and i spend a lot of time on reddit to distract myself. The thing i hate though is sometimes i come across something that freaks me out and its like my anxiety goes into overdrive for a few minutes then i have to focus on something else. Usually it's an ask reddit question or something in the news that causes me to think about things I'm worried about. + +I just want to know about some subs that i can browse for a while and not worry too much about coming across something health related or depressing but not super happy or positive because then it just feels like I'm distracting myself and it backfires.",Anxiety +35650,"DVT?? I pray not. I may end up going to my uc soon if this doesn't resolve. + +I'm 20/F. I had a 3hr 40 min test last week and the very next day my inner upper thigh started hurting. + +It hurts to walk and I couldn't raise my leg. 3 days later and the pain is still there though it may be a bit better. It feels like it spread a bit to my knee and the rest of my thigh. I'm paranoid that if it is a blood clot then it broke off and is moving around. Reading all these stories of active women getting DVT and then PE is stressing me out. + +I haven't had any swelling or heat which is good. Thanks for letting me vent.",Anxiety +35651,"Dvt... This is my first post here and I'm just at my witts end and need help. + +Woke up this morning and felt okay besides my usual chest tightness. But a couple hours later I accidentally pressed on the inside of my thigh and felt the pain so I looked ane there's a little bruise there .. it is probably the size of a nickel or dine and is a bluish color. It hurts when I press on it but otherwise I don't really notice that it's there. However I started freaking out about the possibility of it being a DVT. + +Anyone with words of wisdom would be appreciated + +For contacts I'm a 25-year-old female, 110 lbs, not very active at the moment but I still get up and down through the day",Anxiety +35652,What horrible disease do you have right now? For me it's HIV. The worst part is that it doesn't feel completely ridiculous since I did have unprotected sex. Only have to wait 2-3 whole months to get a reliable test for that one 🤷‍♀️,Anxiety +35653,"Random nosebleed (21F) I’ve been having random nosebleeds in the past 3 weeks. It’s happened 3 times for different lengths of time. But it’s never enough blood that i’ll need to put a tampon or something in my nose. i just blow it a few times and it’s usually fine. +the last time i had nosebleeds was probably in middle school. could this be a sign of something serious ? ",Anxiety +35654,"Terrified that I have SFI Its currently 5:15 am and i cant fall asleep whatsoever. Im terrified that I have FFI or SFI because I tried to take a nap today after feeling extremely tired and couldnt after trying for about an hour. The first thing that popped in my head was Fatal Insomnia. I’ve been thinking about it all day and right now im on the brink of having a panic attack. Im so scared I have this disease and at the same time im so frustrated because I know how unbelievably rare it is to have it, especially since nobody in my family has it(that i know of). I cant help but think that im just a part of the extremely small percentage that do develop it and that’s what is driving my anxiety through the roof right now",Anxiety +35655,"I don't know what it exactly is but I'm kinda worried that it might be something worse So basically on my left index finger in the centered part I have some cracked skin and now I noticed some small light red spot underneath it. I always tried to rip out the broken skin so it looks smooth but is the red spot caused by the attempts of trying to rip the broken skin off? +Dunno how to formulate it since I'm not a native english speaker but Im kinda worried that it might be something worse + + +[https://imgur.com/Benka1G](https://imgur.com/Benka1G) this is basically how it looks like +",Anxiety +35656,"I need surgery, or some operation. I can't handle my anxiety anymore, what should I do? I've had anxiety for 6 years, I am 17. I've gone through therapy, a lot of medication. Zolof, prozac, and some depression medication. My parent's don't want me to move up in medication anymore. My therapist switched hours, so I had to leave counseling, which wasn't doing nothing anyway. And my mother pulled me off my medication. I just don't know what to do anymore, my anxiety is being my depression back. I literally can't function with it, I'm afraid to drive, hangout with friends, work, go placed alone, meet new people, and performing in bed. Just stupid shit, my head is constantly overflowing with thoughts I can't control. I try so hard, I'm aware when I'm having a panic attack, then it just leads to more thinking. I vomit when I have an anxiety attack. Just today, we had to play basketball in gym, and I went to the bathroom to fucking throw up, I don't even know what causes it. I just want to get surgery, I don't even care of it will fuck me up, I'm just at that point. I can't live life like this (No I'm not suicical). Please just give me some ideas of procedures I could do. And don't tell me to meditate, see a therapist, or stay on my meds longer. I've tried it all. I just need to know if there's any surgeries I can do. Thank you.",Anxiety +35657,"i can’t tell if it’s all in my head or not and it’s trying me crazy New around here but I’m so glad this sub exists since I know I tend to be very aware of my health. Sorry about the length. TL;DR at the end. + +Four years ago I started to develop occasional constipation. It was nothing a little dried fruit couldn’t solve and it only happened every so often. So far, so good. + +Then it all started going downhill after I had a kidney stone when I was 17. Ever since then, I’ve been struggling with constipation daily. Since diet change wasn’t helping I went to my mom’s GI doc and had my first colonoscopy at 17. Fun. The test came back clear and the GI sent me home with directions to take Miralax daily. Fast forward a year, no change. Miralax helps but it was like going from hard stool constipation to soft stool constipation. Went back to GI where I was diagnosed with IBS-C with no further testing and given a prescription of Linzess. + +Two years go by, still no change. Linzess works but not as well as it used to. Not only that, but I was now dealing with worse symptoms and felt as if my guts just weren’t moving. I was still have a bowel movements almost daily, but it was never without a laxative of some sort. I tried the low-FODMAP without much change either. I did eliminate dairy and gluten from my diet (cleared a ton of my acne once I did that). + +I decide to get a second opinion. Saw a different GI. He suggests a blood test and does an endoscopy. Ended up getting diagnosed with GERD and chronic gastritis. Also, he found food still in my stomach despite not eating anything 13 hours beforehand. GI sends me to get a gastric emptying study done. That test ended up turning out normal too. Blood test was also normal besides for a low % of lymphocytes and a low number for bun/creatine. Neither of those were that much lower than the “normal range”. All and all, I was given a clean bill of health. + +But if these tests are coming back normal (besides the GERD and chronic gastritis) then why am I still having symptoms? Why is it getting worse over the years? It was just constipation at first which I’m sure is just affects your colon. So why am I having upper GI issues now? I constantly deal with regurgitation, constipation, nausea, cramping, slow moving bowels, gas, bloating, low grade fevers, etc. I can’t even do exercise without throwing up. I used to swim varsity in high school and now I can’t swim an entire 50 yards without running out of the pool. Doesn’t matter when I eat or what time of day it is. + +At first, dried fruit did the trick but when things get real bad not even an enema or magnesium citrate work. But on other days they do. Why it is that when I try to talk to a doctor about it they don’t listen? Is it because I’m only 20? Even my parents are sick of me constantly feeling ill, especially on vacations. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD but wasn’t given any medications until last year so I know it didn’t start because of medication. + +What if it really is all in my head? What if I’m just doing this to myself by stressing over it? I’m transferring from community college to university this fall. What if I can’t do it and have to go home? Who’s gonna believe me if these tests just come back normal? But I just know something is wrong. Why else would I still have these issues if everything was okay? + +I’m going to a gastroenterology motility clinic at Stanford at the end of April to get one last opinion. I just feel like I’m wasting so much money. I’m probably the only person that wants a diagnoses at this point. I just want answers. But at the same time, what if the results were right and there is nothing wrong? I dunno. I just have so much anxiety now around food and eating/shitting in general. It wasn’t like this last year, until things slowly started to get worse. + +TL;DR: Been having bowel/stomach issues for years. GI doctors slap on IBS diagnoses, but I’m worried it’s something worse due to worsening symptoms over the years. But also worried that there really is nothing wrong and that the stress/anxiety was it all along. Stressed about wasting money on pointless tests that’ll all come back normal even though every day is a struggle. ",Anxiety +35658,"looking at my computer causes sickness & pressure. Is this anxiety??? For the past two months ive been dealing with the worst anxiety due from insomnia. But this is not my first bout with this. Ive dealt with this back in 2010. I wanted to ask. Does anyone get these weird terrible feelong or pain in your body when you look at your computer screeen??? Its like a pain in the throat all the way down going into the chest area??? Its like a weird MILD pressure on your body. It feels like reys coming out the computer. I ahvent felt this in years. I forgot how i got better because it was so long ago. Back then i thought i needed glasses & thought it was the monitor. i thought all kind of things. But now im thinking this can all be related to freaking anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +Is this common with anxiety??? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks so much ",Anxiety +35659,"Do you ever find your ""symptoms"" change or transfer to different areas? A couple of months ago I started getting this sharp pain in my upper right abdomen just below the ribcage. I'm 27 and regrettably eat a fair amount of takeout so naturally I assumed this to be gallbladder issues. I ended up getting it checked at the ER one night when I got some really sharp pains and found a ""bump"" in that area. The doctor was convinced the bump was just fatty cartilage and since the pains seemed to happen at random and not after meals that it was likely not my gallbladder. They scheduled an ultrasound anyway which turned up with no issues which I was happy about. + +&#x200B; + +That said since then I started getting neck/back pain, which didn't really concern me given my crappy posture and I've always had a fair amount of neck tension. However in the past couple weeks I started getting random shoulder/arm pains that come just as quick as they go, and today i started getting quick sharp chest pains, though I'm convinced the chest issue comes from some recreational smoking last night with some friends. + +&#x200B; + +Anyways, thinking about all this made me wonder if many other people here have dealt with anything similar, and honestly typing this all out has helped me deal with some of the anxiety which is a welcome bit of relief.",Anxiety +35660,"Anyone been able to smoke? I smoked weed for 3 years and last March 2018, I got laced with a large amount of PCP and had a near death experience (not breathing, hospital, etc) and since then every time I smoke I think I’m dying. + +Ever since I got laced I’ve had health anxiety (a headache means I have cancer, always checking myself out, my side hurts it means I have stomach cancer etc, you get it) + +And I am coping with it as much as I can. I’ve gotten a lot better than I used to be, I used to have panic attacks daily, and it’s been at least 4 months since I have had one. + +But I can still not smoke weed, when I do smoke it resets my anxiety, last time I smoked was November of 2018 and the next 2 weeks it’s like I didn’t make any progress. Panic attacks every day, and all of that. + +I’ve just been wondering if anyone has been able to smoke since they developed health anxiety. Also I can’t drink, does the same thing. ",Anxiety +35661,Lump above testicles When I am on my feet I can touch a lump above my testicles.I think it is not on my testicle but on the little veins above.When I lay down I can't touch them they disappear.What could this mean? ,Anxiety +35662,"Sudden bleeding freaking me out This is kinda messed up but about a week ago I took 5 Tylenol in one day, and ever since then I've been nervous about how it affected my health. I've had really bad indigestion and vomiting. I've been pooping normally until today when I had bright red blood when I went to the bathroom and now I'm freaking out. Could that mistake be causing this? ",Anxiety +35663,"Chest pain crouching down Hello I'm in my twenties and fit , but sometimes when crouching down I get a sudden chest pain.It is very quick and gone in 20 seconds.is this serious?",Anxiety +35664,"pea sized lump on groin area? i’m a 20 year old female, and just now i noticed a pea sized lump on my groin (the “crease area” where my thigh and lady parts meet). it isn’t painful nor itchy, however it is a little firm. i am sure that it just appeared today. + +googling the symptoms are only giving me vague and ambiguous answers. does anybody know if this could be serious?",Anxiety +35665,"Hand cramps and twitching - ALS? My left hand has been pretty sore for 3 or so days. + +Basically the thumb is “cramping up” when I use my phone or type. + +It’s in my left hand, I feel a little bit of the same thing in my right hand though not nearly as bad. + +The cramp isn’t normally at rest. It usually begins quickly after using my phone or typing. My dominant hand is right. + +I don’t type a whole lot at work. + +I’ve had twitching randomly all over my body, face, chin, jaw, calves, quads, glutes, forearms, ankles, biceps, triceps, shoulders. Which has left me absolutely terrified of ALS. This has been happening for 3 weeks. My PCP ruled out electrolytes as the cause through a blood test. Magnesium is in line as well. + +White Male, 24yo, 6’00” 185lbs + +PCP tested reflex, said 99% sure it’s nothing but ordered an EMG if I wanted and I said sure. I was anxious. Thursday the hand pain started after the PCP visit. I now have it in right hand a bit (was just using my phone with thumb). Some forearm soreness was there earlier. + +I’m in good shape athletic and pretty strong and have no obvious clinical weakness. + +hands generally alright at rest. The iphone and the keyboard aggravate it + +The twitching started before anything else. + +And really, I haven’t noticed any twitching my hands. Maybe once or twice, but generally it’s in the arms, legs. Including back, shoulders, forearm, bicep, tricep, abdomen, calf, quad, glute, hamstring + +",Anxiety +35666,"How to cope with panic attacks triggered by health anxiety? I can't stop worrying about something that probably isn't a big deal. I can't calm myself down, I'm freaking out and I'm all alone and everyone I know is busy, so I can't call them. + +I found a spot on my body that hurts to touch and afterwards an area near it started to feel strained (without having to be touched). I Googled it but can't find anything that matches closely with what I'm experiencing and somehow that makes me feel worse. I'm jittery right now and nauseous from the anxiety, but also I'm worried that that's related to whatever problem I just found on my body. + +Does anyone have any tips for quickly calming down? I'm not in a full blown panic attack, but I definitely feel myself headed that way.",Anxiety +35667,Freaking out at 3am Have been anxious about my health for a lot of today since I've been feeling dizzy lately. I also had really long heart palpitations twice earlier when I was active and now just had a fairly long episode of sharp neck pain on the front sides and a bit on top of my right shoulder. I'm really worried they're all related and need something to calm me down so I can sleep. Please help,Anxiety +35668,"How to help my husband Hi there! I am a 28 YO F married to my incredible 37 YO M husband who suffers from health anxiety. It comes in waves. He has gone through some therapy but she wasn’t a LMHC so it was kind of pointless. He is on a low dose SSRI and that usually helps. Until we see someone who has MS. +Oddly enough, my maternal grandmother had MS. He does not have any history of it in his family. He does not know his paternal grandfather and sometimes that is his excuse for why he thinks MS might run in his family. Anyway, we saw a friend who was recently diagnosed with MS over the weekend and his anxiety has been through the roof. I have severe anxiety and OCD, so sometimes I spiral once he’s spiraling, but usually I can keep my cool. +I am trying to find a way to help him. He has no real symptoms, but has some issues that lead to similar symptoms. For example, he’s a graphic design teacher with metal screws in his wrist, so he frequently gets odd sensations in his hands from working on computers all day, but of course that’s the MS - not the likely carpal tunnel or arthritis he has going on. +Any suggestions? He is open to therapy but I don’t know that he will stick to it since the episodes are so few and far between. What can I do to help?",Anxiety +35669,"Low pulse rate - Could 1.5 weeks of exercise result in lowered atenolol dosage? I have been taking 100 mg atenolol daily for quite some time now (several years). I was prescribed it for an elevated testing heart rate of about 90 to 100. No history of heart problem, negative stress test. The atenolol seemed to be doing it's job as my resting heart rate fell to about 70 bpm. Fast forward about 1.5 weeks ago I changed my diet and started walking about 3 miles every day (90 minutes). Today I notice that my resting heart rate is 50 bpm. I would not think the exercise could improve my heart rate that quickly, but could it? Could such little time exercising be lowering my heart rate such that the atenolol can be decreased (tapered down over time)?",Anxiety +35670,"Pain in right brow - not going away? I have pain in my right brow. The eye itself doesn't hurt when I push on it; however, when I push up on the brow, it hurts. When I lean forward, there's a pulsing pain in my brow as well. What can this be? Dehydration? Tension headache? I can't figure it out. + +Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +35671,"Sensation of throat closing So yeah been rough with HA, most notably an anaphylaxis fear. Every so often my throat just feels tight, or odd sensations in my throat make it feel hard to breathe, it feels like it’s closing which sends me into a panic. I want to know if this sensation is normal for HA. I can barely eat or be close to anything with nuts or seafood without freaking. + +Sometimes the feeling happens at random, without any cause, sometimes when I’m eating. Any advice on how to get over this? 😓",Anxiety +35672,"Therapy? Has anyone had any success with specific therapy or medication for health anxiety? this has ruined my life more than normal anxiety in my past. I feel as if i’m constantly waiting for something to come up and I’ll never be able to live a happy life. Just waiting for my time to be up, basically. ",Anxiety +35673,"What's the one realization that started you off on your health anxiety recovery? Hello all. I'm Abhi, new here and this is my first post. I have been dealing with health anxiety for about three years now - I won't get into the details, it's textbook HA story - but I would love to know from those who got a handle on this beast what their one ""ah-ha!"" realization was that set them off on the path to recovery. Like, what is the single most important thing that HA sufferers need to understand to start combating HA? + +Would love to know success stories too. Also, would love to know if and how meditation and yoga helps in recovery. + +Many thanks in advance. + +Lots of love, +Abhi ",Anxiety +35674,"Afraid something is extremely wrong with my heart Hey guys. + +I lost my job in March due to Gastritis from unknown causes. Had an endoscopy and biopsies. It's just gastritis and they think it may be due to my gallbladder but I will be having tests for that in about a week. I have been extremely ill with that since the beginning of January. Lost almost 20 lbs. In pain all day. It's great. +ANYWAY, throughout this time and I *think* right before (but only rarely) I have been having having issues when I stand and start doing usual activities. My heart rate soars when I stand and when I begin doing everyday things, nothing strenuous, I even get sweaty sometimes and short of breath. This scares me so I have to lay back down and then it immediately goes back to normal. +I have a history of PVCs, the palpitation where your heart skips a beat. I saw a cardiologist and he did not see anything and said it was ""pretty good"" except he vaguely mentioned some part of the ultrasound being ""slower"" and he told me to exercise more. He didn't explain any of that. That was a year ago now. +I realize I have been laying on the couch for about a month now, but could that cause all this? I also often have low blood pressure but I've never had this happen everyday. Could it be any of these causes or maybe since I haven't been able to eat much anymore? +My anxiety is driving me insane. Someone please help. ;((( +",Anxiety +35675,"Sick for about a week and have coughed some blood the last 2 days in mornings only. So I have been sick with something I don’t know what I just flew back from Europe to America after 3 months so I’m thinking it’s something from the plane. I have a had a pretty bad cough that has been fairly productive for at least the past 5 days. Yesterday I noticed a very small amount of blood in my first cough after I stood up in spit into sink it was bright red and streaky the next cough was back to mucus only. Kinda freaked out by it I went to the doctor a couple days ago and blood tests just came back fine but I don’t know if they would tell. Any help would be greatly appreciated kinda freaking out. I also stopped by daily marijuana habit about 2 weeks ago after a year and a half. +",Anxiety +35676,"Tick bite So, I noticed about 35 hours later that I have a thick on my leg. I immediately removed it, but I cant help over stressing it. Why? I live in European country where the infections with Meningitis and Borelia are on the highest rate... I am so stressing everyone so much, constantly reading what could happen .... How can I calm myself down? Plus sorry for my english, is not my first language. ",Anxiety +35677,"Fear of colon cancer Hello. This might be a bit TMI but I need help here. Earlier this week a had developed a hemorrhoid on the outside of my anus. It pretty much covers the hole. I wasn’t really paying attention to my feces too much but for the past few days I have been pooping very thin, flat feces. Sometimes I have constipation too. I just did end a course of Antibiotics about 3-4 weeks back(doxycycline). I’m worried it might be cancer. There’s no blood in the stool. I’m trying to eat cleaner for now and taking a fiber supplement. + +I have a lot of gas too recently. Once in a while I’ll have abdominal pain but it’s minor and not localized to one spot. Can anyone shed some light? Thank you.",Anxiety +35678,"i thought i was done with this i’ve really been doing so much better with overall health anxiety since last year when it reached a peak. my main anxiety is emetophobia, but i’ll get anxious about pretty much anything — or at least i used to. this summer i got on medication and did therapy and everything has been largely fine since then. it’s just right now that things seem to be snowballing. i picked up some kind of stomach thing because it’s going around my school, and as soon i got past my original fear of vomiting i was largely ok. i even felt almost normal the next day. however, i ate food that i guess was too adventurous and ever since then i’ve been feeling crappy. i also have been bleeding on my past pack of birth control and it’s been getting steadily worse so i can’t tell if the cramping and overall bad feeling is from that, the virus, or just anxiety. i have an appointment at my student health on tuesday but i can’t call out of work again tomorrow and i’m not looking forward to it at all.",Anxiety +35679,"I recently remembered multiple sclerosis exists A few weeks ago I felt a weird pulsating sharp pain in the back of my head, I promised myself I wouldn't google it but by the end of the day I just couldn't let go. So I googled it and worried for days I had occipital neuralgia but it went away and then I remember the next suggested disease: multiple sclerosis. +And now I just conviced myself all the weird symptoms I had and went to the doctor only to be told I'm completely fine must be because of MS. + +Like the times I thought I was having a heart attack because of pain in my left arm, or when I thought I had a detached retina because my eyes ""felt weird"" and I thought I saw flashing lights. When I focus on something really close to my eyes and then focus on something far and feel a little desoriented etc etc etc. It must all be neurological after all! + +And now I feel all these things again and I keep thinking what if it isn't psychosomatic. On top of it, I'm going to be without insurance for a few months while I'm in between jobs and neurologists and MRIs are just waay to expensive. +How the hell do I convince myself I'm going to be fine?",Anxiety +35680,"Anaphylaxis fear This is probably the most ridiculous manifestation of my health anxiety yet. I've basically developed an anaphylaxis fear, mostly related to food, even though I've never had a food-related reaction in my life. + +You hear all these stories in the news of people randomly having anaphylaxis reactions and my scumbag brain assumes it's gonna happen to me. This has made eating pretty much anything an incredibly stressful experience. Eating is one of my favourite things to do, especially trying new food and anxiety is even affecting that now. + +Does anyone have any advice? Or even some statistics that could perhaps put my mind at ease? I am worried this will turn into a full-blown eating disorder in which I only eat limited quantities of what I consider safe foods.",Anxiety +35681,"How often does y'all's anxiety cause you to actually ""feel"" symptoms of whatever it is you're currently afraid of? Hey, so for a grand total of 2 days I've been convinced I am developing Parkinson' Disease, and after reading up on various symptoms and whatnot, I feel like I am actually starting to feel them. This is not something I've ever worried about, but now that the idea is in my head it's all I can think of. + + I'm trying not to fixate on it as I know I always do this with different things, but idk, I just want some people to relate to lol. Knowing people are going through similar things as I am usually calms me down, at least temporarily.",Anxiety +35682,"I'm relapsing on my past HA, at least right now. [Long post] In October of 2017, I had my first actual panic attack and it was massive. I never figured out where it came from, but I ended up in the ER for fear of a heart attack. Had all the symptoms just about. This occurred about 2-3 more times within a week or two and it got to the point that the doctor got frustrated and told me I was wasting the ERs time and money on potential people who may actually need it and gave me a low amount of Xanax and a referral for a therapist. After then, I had lingering chest pains for seemingly 24/7, so I also went to a cardiologist and did several tests from ecgs/EKGs to wearing a heart monitor for varying times, with one month being the longest. Turns out my heart was 100% healthy and the healthiest he had seen in years, which was surprising considering I was a smoker and drank too much caffeine and drank a bit too much. I still smoke, drink caffeine and drink here and there but I've cut down tremendously since. I was in therapy for 6 months. It mostly involved us talking things through, but we also got to a point where I would try to purposely induce attacks so we could with through them together in order to learn how I can tackle them by myself. Another thing we did that helped was write down my current health fears (biggest one was fearing a brain aneurysm would come at any time because of my constant headaches and ice pick headaches) and I would also write why it was making me scared. Then I would come back for my next visit two weeks later and she'd have me read what I wrote and it always sounded insane but never ever for me to stop being worried entirely, but overtime it got better. I was diagnosed with hypochondria/health illness anxiety. I have since moved to California after being in therapy for 6 months. For whatever reason, it was like a complete 180, from worrying about it all the time to not worrying about it much at all anymore. I would still get some attacks here and there but I always managed them one way or another. + +Lately, I've just been more down than usual and I plan on seeing another therapist to try and tackle that, but I think it's partially making the hypochondriac I am come back out. Example: about two nights ago, I was getting ready to take a nap, but I was on my phone for a few, getting settled, propping myself with my right hand/arm on my side. Later, I would wake up and I started gaming a bit after, but I noticed my upper right arm and lower shoulder have sharp pains after moving it a few certain ways. I brushed it off because I figured, ""I probably put too much strain on it when I was on my side before my nap"". Well it's been a few nights now or so and while it hasn't gotten worse, it hasn't gotten better, I think. Fine, whatever. But then I noticed pains in my forearm, closer to my wrist that would come and go slightly. Then I started feeling that later in my right forearm. Today I was pulling weeds and when I got back up, my shins had sharp pains for a few minutes. I was feeling off and light-headed and thought I may be dehydrated because I drank last night and didn't really do a good job keeping myself hydrated then. So I did the worst thing possible - I googled dehydration symptoms. When it becomes ""severe"" and should seek help, etc. Granted this was just all on the same page, but I didn't have to read it. I legit just wasn't sure if it was dehydration and it did more hurt than it helped. I'm feeling better after some water, but now while I'm not constantly Googling anything on the exception to see what the symptoms of dehydration were and effects it could have on the body, I'm fighting that feeling of being worried about the pains I mentioned above. If it was just the shoulder pain, or just the here and there forearm pain or the mild discomfort I feel in my fingers... basically if I just wasn't feeling pain in varying intensities and one or two areas, I could easily reason with myself. + +I haven't seen my doctor in a couple months and I'm going to make an appointment in the morning and talk with her about it and see what we can do, as well as probably set up to see another therapist for what I'm assuming to be depression. But I'm feeling myself slipping again and I'm not ready to deal with even a fraction of what I dealt with before.",Anxiety +35683,"Dizzy after coughing spells...is this normal? For the last week, I've been battling a cold. It's mostly been a normal cold, except for one thing. When I have a coughing spell, I begin to feel very dizzy by the end. The dizzyness usually fades after maybe three seconds, but I don't recall this ever happening before. Should I be worried?",Anxiety +35684,"Does anyone get anxious that they’re just making it all up? How do you cope? I’m experiencing some legit health problems in my life right now, but I can’t shake the feeling of “I’m just a faker, what if I have a somatic disorder, what if I have Munchausens, I’m an attention seeker, etc etc.” which is fucked up, because I would give anything to feel better right now! Obviously I don’t have Munchausens, because I wish that I was not sick. + + +It’s sort of ironic, having a legitimate health issue, and being so anxious that you convince yourself you are faking it and get scared that you have a mental disorder that makes people fake health issues. + +Does anyone else experience this self doubt when experiencing actual illness/health issues? + +Posted from an alt",Anxiety +35685,"Tired of dealing with this I’m 17 yr female I’m pretty slim and small, and I’ve noticed I’ve had a fast heart rate for a long while now but lately it’s gotten bad. Three months ago, all of a sudden felt dizzy, my heart was racing so I went to the doctor and they took blood work which came out normal and sent me to a cardiologist. I’m guessing it was my first panic attack? My ekg was normal, he said he heard a heart murmur but thought I was okay and i had anxiety. He didn’t even feel the need to check my heart. But I still did a 48 hour heart monitor, didn’t really feel any symptoms, but it was still normal, he just said I had sinus tachycardia. This was a about a month or 2 ago and it feels like now everything has gotten worse. My heart rate is always 100+ and when I’m walking or stand up it’s 140+ sometimes. I was also walking to class upstairs and I was gasping for air and my heart was racing. The highest my heart I’ve seen my heart go is 195 which doesn’t sound healthy. My heart rate will also go from 50 to 100 randomly which concerns me? Yesterday morning I woke up with my heart rate at 170 so I went to the ER and my ekg was normal. My parents think I’m fine and the doctors say I’m young, it won’t hurt me and I’ll grow out of it. I have anxiety and panic attacks now because I’m always worried about my heart. I feel like i have no answers and like I’m running out of time :( ",Anxiety +35686,"Pea sized lumps on right side of neck Hiya, freaking out right now! Just noticed on the right side of my neck there are 3 pea sized lumps.. they are not painful and cant be seen only felt. They are more towards the back of my neck on the right side. Could these be lymph nodes? + + 25 year old female, + +No known health conditions other than terrible health anxiety + +No medications +",Anxiety +35687,Can penicillin cause headaches? I've been on penicillin to treat strep throat for a couple days now and I've been getting headaches. Is this normal or should I be worried?,Anxiety +35688,"Anybody feel their anxiety is subconscious? I don’t get panic attacks. I get scary physical manifestations of anxiety instead like feeling dizzy, faint, feeling like my heart is beating too slow. This is how I know I’m feeling anxious if I’m experiencing these symptoms, because I rarely get normal “panic” like others do. Also, when I’m very anxious I noticed I yawn almost constantly. Does anyone else experience this, or feel like their anxiety is always there even if you don’t *feel* panicy? ",Anxiety +35689,"How to get doctor to order imaging of chest and abdomen (and head as a bonus)? I visited a new PCP a few weeks ago -- it was my first doctor's visit in a few years and first since moving to a new city. They don't have any of my old medical records. I told him that I have a family history of a few different types of cancer (lung, pancreatic, brain). I mentioned having a persistent cough, but all he recommended was prilosec in case the cough is GERD. I'd really like to get some imaging done of my lungs and abdomen (I've had very minor pain in my left side around my ribs for YEARS) to rule anything out. Is there something else I can tell him so that I can get an MRI or CT scan?",Anxiety +35690,"Can anxiety cause bi-polar like symptoms? I go through periods of feeling happy, like everything is fine and I’ll be ok. But then something small happens and I feel like my world is ending, everything is wrong, everyone hates me, etc. The highs and lows can be extreme, but I’ve seen therapist and they have told me I’m not bipolar. Could this be a form of anxiety?",Anxiety +35691,"Concussion anxiety taking over my life Let me just preface this by saying I've been essentially the hugest hypochondriac my entire life, even to the point of freaking out over a bat *maybe* biting me after it flew over my head once. I've never been this anxious about anything because getting a life threatening TBI is my hugest fear and it's basically consumed me. + +Almost two full days ago, I slammed my head four times within two or so hours against a few different walls. Not ruthlessly hard, but *just* hard enough to worry. I matched basically no concussion symptoms at the time but it hasn't stopped me from flipping out excessively. Since I woke up yesterday though, I've gotten minor potential symptoms that made it so I couldn't function in my normal life without freaking out, which has worried me. While I didn't get a headache, I had minor, non-painful, yet strange feeling head pressure, (especially when moving it,) slight sensitivity to light, occasionally feeling dazed, me not being able to remember or place words in sentences, etc. It became rough trying to figure out which 'symptoms' were from me freaking myself out, and which could be potentially real. I even stopped drinking coffee because I'm so freaked out caffeine could make my 'concussion' worse. + +The worst part came last night, when I dozed off while hanging out with friends watching a movie around 8. *I couldn't sleep.* I kept jerking myself awake and my body refused to do anything, heart racing, and it got to the point I kept taking 20 hour power naps until midnight where I'd wake up in a total daze with some of the worst anxiety I've had in my life. So, reasonably, I Googled symptoms to subdermal hematomas, which freaked me out even *more,* because now I'm convinced I have a brain bleed. I woke up this morning and I still feel dazed, still shaking, even though the only remaining concussion symptom is me feeling pretty dumb and detached from the world. Even *after* friends who've had real concussions reassured me, nothing's helped, in fact me Googling shit made it worse (like always.) + +I guess my rant results to me asking whether or not I'm justified being like this. I've been honest to God debating on just driving to an ER or something immediately despite potential freakout and the fact I'm only 18 because almost nothing else has entered my mind. The anxiety has been consuming me, and I'm 100% convinced I'm dying, and it's the *worst.*",Anxiety +35692,"Hello, I could use advice...I am suffering from rather severe health anxiety. (At least I think I am?) Hello, I just want to say I'm really sorry if I break any of the rules! I am a bit confused as to what is allowed ;; I don't know if there is a point to this, I am just...confused and scared. + +I am 15, and for the past years I have experienced extreme fatigue, to the point where I sleep ~15+ hours a day when I can. But how do I know if this is real? I could just have a bad lifestyle. I try my best to stay healthy and do everything the doctor says, but it doesn't go away. + +I also believe I could be ""faking"" it? I experience a lot of weakness and like...memory problems. I also get chronic pain in my thigh which is really painful. But the thing is...there is nothing that could cause this? I don't think there is. It is incredibly random - am I making this up to seem like something is wrong? + +I have previously been diagnosed with depression and GAD, but I got those treated. But I am still worrying about this? I am on medications that have helped, so why am I still anxious over my health? They worked for everything else :( I think it is something in my mind because I keep getting ""Dreams"" that make me feel no one can be trusted, or that I will be yelled at or do something wrong. + +How do I even know if I'm suffering from health anxiety? What if I am just exaggerating everything? Maybe I am just a person who is afraid to grow up, or that I am immature... + +I am really sorry if this broke any rules, or didn't make sense. I guess it was just an outlet! I have been scared for a while now. Thank you for reading, if you have any advice on something I could maybe do to help calm my nerves, I would appreciate it very much :(",Anxiety +35693,"Chest pains earlier today. Scared to go to sleep. Hi all. I'm new to this subreddit and so glad I found it. Ever since I got pregnant (currently 13 weeks), I've been experiencing a ton of health anxiety. This is new for me, so it's especially terrifying. Earlier today I had chest pains and got in the car and drove to the ER. Once I got to the parking lot, I calmed down and felt better. I didn't even go inside. My chest seemed to relax and I was okay enough to drive home and listen to a podcast to calm down. I've had panic attacks for as long as I can remember (not specifically related to my health until now), and this just felt different than a normal panic attack. I've never had chest pain with my panic attacks. A few minutes ago I started getting the chest pain again. It's been hours since it last happened. Does this sound like anxiety? Would chest pains related to a heart attack come and go throughout the day? I'm currently afraid to go to sleep due to the chest pain...im worried ill die in my sleep and not wake up if I'm experiencing pain. Thanks for any responses in advance.",Anxiety +35694,“Other specified abnormal immunological findings serum” Does anyone know what this typically means? I had a CBC done today and everything was within normal range. I’m having extreme anxiety/panic and my meds don’t seem to be working.,Anxiety +35695,How many of you got a CT scan done on 15 plus years ago? Where was the scan done and did you develop any cancer/tumor? I am asking because there are many articles on the possible link with ct scanners and cancer. Should I worry about it? I have had two abdominal ct scans done and two head CTs. ,Anxiety +35696,"I'm a lot scared about my mom's lower leg pain Hi! First of all, I made a second account to talk about these personal issues, I use my personal account (which has my real name) for a lot of public things and didn't feel comfortable in sharing those personal issues there. + +&#x200B; + +My mom had breast cancer six years ago, and treated it successfully, doing chemo and radiotherapy. Fortunately, it was diagnosed very early. She is totally cured now, and constantly monitors her breast and + + thyroid (which she had some benign cysts). She is 60 and doesn't smoke or drink at all. + +&#x200B; + +Last week, she removed a dot on her face. The biopsy returned Basal Cell Carcinoma, but with no spread on close lymphs. The dermatologist said it was nothing to worry about. + +&#x200B; + +But yesterday she said she had been felling pain around the tibia for about a year and half. It's a pain she feels deep, that comes for some time (like a week), then disappear for some months, then comes back. It doesn't seem to be affected by exercise, but hurts at night. While she was pressing the region to show me where it was, she said she could feel it hurt a little, even if, at that moment, it wasn't hurting the way it used to. There is no swelling at all, and she said it never was. She also said the pain is the same since it begun. + +&#x200B; + +And she had been having some cramps a while ago, the doctors said it could be a neuropaty caused by the medications she took, like tamoxifen. She also said these cramps usually stops when this pain begins. + +&#x200B; + +She said she's worried about it being a bone metastasis from the breast cancer. + +&#x200B; + +From what I know, it's extremely unlikely that a metastasis from a cancer she treated back in 2013 (and which, in that time, had no secondary tumor detected) could only appear now. + +&#x200B; + +But I'm extremely worried about other cancer possibilities. Like a primary bone cancer, or a secondary cancer from a hidden tumor that originated in other part of the body. + +&#x200B; + +The rational part of me says it's probably neuropaty, or even some other symptom caused maybe by her age, and if that pain was bone cancer, she probably would be gone now, or at least the pain would have gotten worse after all this time, or even some swelling would have appeared. + +&#x200B; + +But the other part (the same that worried about me having ALS because of some twitches) says it could be cancer. She has an appointment with the same doctor that treated her cancer on Monday, but, until then, I can't help but be terrified about this possibility. + +&#x200B; + +Has anyone had any similar experience? Is the rational part of me probably right once again?",Anxiety +35697,One tonsil swollen? Has this happened to anyone else? I'm just now getting over a bout of a really bad sore throat I had for a couple of weeks. I had significant post nasal drip at the time too. I went to the doctor and she said it wasn't strep and she figured it was just an upper respiratory infection and that it just looked like swelling from irritation. My sore throat is mostly gone but the tonsil in question still appears to be swollen or have a lump behind it. I know that it's probably just because of the illness but I'm worried and I don't have health insurance and it's very hard to see a doctor without it here. I don't want to go back and them tell me it's nothing. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm 24 F and i used to be a smoker but I've quit for about 7 months now,Anxiety +35698,"my urine is clear for no reason for like a week now my pee has been barely yellow to almost clear even if i hadn’t really had anything to drink during the day. there’s no pain, smell, or excessive amounts, it’s just the color. i know this is probably nothing to worry about, but my anxiety is worrying me that it might be something bad, and i just went to the doctor so i don’t want to go again ",Anxiety +35699,"Scared my doc won't take me seriously Hi all, I'm a new here, I've had health anxiety for about 6 years, it comes and goes a couple of times a year for me but when I have an episode it's BAD, I'm talking like exacerbating my own physical symptoms by worrying, googling for hours until I'm convinced I'm going to die, hell even obsessing over my pets health and running them to the vets for every tiny thing, although that mostly started after my old kitty died of lymphoma. + +Anyway so I'm really worried about going to the doctor next week that she's not going to take me seriously if I tell her I have health anxiety. I think that I have PGAD, although granted my anxiety does seem to be making it way worse, I do have actual symptoms and reason to believe it. I'm actually just kind of hoping it's all in my head but at the same time I'm worried that if I don't get tested and assessed for it it will turn out to be real and not just my anxiety 😭 I hate that feeling of uncertainty 😭",Anxiety +35700,"Anyone get nervous about getting the flu when they go to the doctor? Today I had to go to the doctor and a man was sitting near me coughing a lot. After the game out of his appointment he was wearing a mask, which implies to me that they figured he had the flu or something similar. Now I’m freaking out about getting the flu. Anyone else get this?",Anxiety +35701,"I'm Sacred But I Think I'm Also Broken. Every Few Months my pee starts to smell sweet and I have to urinate more frequently and I get tired, for example I've urinated 3 times in the past hour today which isn't normal for me usually I urinate 3-4 times a day, at first I thought it was Diabetes or something else but I've had many blood tests etc done and they all came back normal. + +Last time this happen it lasted from July 2018 - November 2018, I had numerous tests and numerous Doctors say it was a Viral Infection. + +It seems to happen every few months, I consume a normal amount of Sugar, I only drink water I drink about 1-2 litres a day, I walk alot. + +The Doctors can't figure out the issue, posting here just incase someone has had the same issues as me. +",Anxiety +35702,"Letter from the doctor Had a blood test to test my hormone levels, just got a letter saying to contact my doctor within the next few weeks regarding the results. They only send out that letter if something is wrong, and now I’m having a meltdown convinced it’s cancer or premature menopause",Anxiety +35703,"When anxiety kills me anyway. I'm going through the anxiety for a long time and got high blood pressure too.My cardiologist said it's all about anxiety what i really feel so.Then went to my psychiatrist to help me out once again and got some medicine named Esita 10 mg and Tanocab 50mg.last 8 months i took the medicine and still on.It made some kind of help like i got no panic attack and blood pressure is quite normal.But problem is when i take the medicine, i feel like it's not good for my health and then it creates anxiety again.it kills me anyway.Does anybody help me out?well,i'm 26.",Anxiety +35704,"Recurring chest pain with no other symptoms I’ve had a lot of intense stress the past year and also suffer from an anxiety disorder, so it seems to be affecting my body a lot. I went to the ER back in February because my chest hurt and I had a lot of coughing, and they did a chest x-ray and CT scan and monitored my heart rate, and everything came back clean for heart issues with reassurance from the radiologist that I’m very low risk for heart issues. I was diagnosed with pleurisy which was verified by my regular doctor, and got better after a couple weeks. The chest pain has seemed to linger though and my stress has not improved. I have no other symptoms with this chest pain other than anxiety that it’s something bad. I’m afraid to waste more money going to the hospital again since they ran tests that came back clean. Could this be something I need to have checked out again? ",Anxiety +35705,"[Trigger warning] I'm 17, I have MS, and I'm worried I also have colon cancer. It's been quite the rough year and I'll admit my HA wasn't as bad as it was after my family got the results from my first MRI test. Sure, I googled symptoms all the time, especially because one of my ""enflamed lesions"" was causing me chronic nausea for more than a month, leading me to finally start on my google journey again and begin to go down the rabbit hole of different problems I could possibly have. Until I got double vision, I was almost convinced I had esophagus cancer. + +It was crazy. I googled stuff all the time, cried over things I might have, worried about it till I fell asleep. But I never really expected the new thing called ""MS"" i saw in passing was actually going to end up being me. It was crazy. Every single part. And as you can already expect, it's fueling even more, even worse anxiety as I try to figure out some current bowel problems that have been plaguing me since my diagnosis last year. Today I made it a job for me to find out what is going on. I've made my way up to taking 290 mg of Linzess a day and still deal with constipation unless I decide to have a fun day out. I always have to go to the bathroom anyway, throughout the day, whether or not I actually end up going. I started having lower right, dull pain halfway into my newfound constipation and was told the linzess would help. It didn't. Then we decided to try more. It helped for a week. I'm vaguely aware or trying to convince myself that drinking more water should help, because I'm supposed to with linzess or i risk becoming dehydrated, but its been hard to keep up with. + +TMI but, because I'm nervous and desire opinions, I must go on. My stools are pale and light a lot of the time. Yellow or white mucus covers some of it and half of it floats, half doesn't... Most times I go I bleed a little after, and this past time, quite a lot. A bright red glop of blood which just didn't seem right for what could've been a hemorrhoid or something else. I usually always feel some kind of discomfort or dull pain in my abdomen, across the lower side usually, and recently I even had a blood test taken that said my blood count was low. This may be because, for MS reasons, I'm trying to cut down on red meats and aren't getting enough iron... But it doesn't seem right. At all. All these symptoms line up. down to the anemia. I'm worried beyond compare of anything else before. Nothing from anyone helps, because they're just repeating their words before my MRI. I'm scared. I already panicked and cried, and called mom, and I'm going to tell my neurologist tomorrow to see what she has to offer in guidance. I can only hope I'm not this unlucky... getting two incredibly rare health problems for my age and form and everything else in the same damn year, even. + +I just don't even know where to start at dealing with this.",Anxiety +35706,"Hypertensive at 25 & fear of death Hi all! Having an HA episode today and I don't know how to cope. + +Went to my psychiatrist this morning where he took my blood pressure. He had to take it about three times- the numbers were in the 160/110 range. I was very nervous at this appt- my first time with a psychiatrist- but I've had high BP before at other doctor visits in the past month (ie i just got a CPAP machine last month- sleep doc said BP might come down with that treatment. and gyno reduced my birth control last month in an attempt to bring it down as well.) + +But today I took my BP again at CVS about 30 mins later and it was still high, so I went to urgent care. They said it was probably stress related though I can take other measures to reduce it- mostly, exercise more, lose weight, and reduce salt intake. They released me with no meds and an order to monitor it at home for white coat syndrome. + +Suddenly I'm terrified. I can make those lifestyle changes without issue. But what if they don't help? What if I go into cardiac arrest or stroke before I can lower it? Will exercise make it worse? Will I die in my sleep? Will I have to go on hypertension meds at 25? It runs in my family but this feels like a personal failing- my lifestyle and eating habits haven't helped, I'm sure. Am I fucked for life? Am I going to die young? + +Im home now and just took it again; 160/90. I'm so scared. + +I have depression and GED which also don't help. I've been stressed out lately but I didn't think it was a huge problem. I feel like I'm just waiting to stroke out or go into extreme chest pain. I feel helpless. ",Anxiety +35707,"Eye floaters from stress? Hello, I recently went through an eye exam and my eyes checked out healthy enough (I have a prescription for nearsightedness) but they’ve been around for about 3 weeks now and idk if I should be as worried as I am.",Anxiety +35708,"Any of you severely nearsighted with anxiety over future eye problems? I am severely myopic which I know is a risk factor for retinal detachment. My mom had a retinal detachment which is when a huge fear kicked in. My number one fear is going blind. I wish I never found out about the risks...I just always went about my life knowing I had bad eyes but it’s all I ever knew and never had concerns. I can’t seem to turn the fear off now- seriously making myself ill. Was wondering if anyone else experienced anything like this, or is currently! ",Anxiety +35709,"Constantly feeling like I'm dying? I've gone to the ER so many times thinking I was dying of a heart attack when it was just terrible anxiety/panic attacks. I feel literally every bodily sensation and it puts me into a panic frenzy and makes me feel like it's my last couple of seconds on earth. I cannot handle this anymore. Is there anyway to stop this from happening? I've freaked myself out by feeling my seat-belt and even shirt touch my chest, etc. ",Anxiety +35710,"Paranoid about food poisoning Never had it. Always terrified of it. Forever burning my chicken/avoiding eating it all together so I don't have to even worry about Salmonella killing me every time. If I touch raw chicken, or raw chicken touches a surface, I've accepted my 100% death. It's easier to just avoid chicken for life. Literally. ",Anxiety +35711,"Skin crawling/tickling I’ve had this sensation all over my body for the past couple months. I feel it most in my back or legs but have felt it everywhere, even on the tip of my nose. Has anyone else had this sensation before? I’m so anxious its a neurological issue or something bad.",Anxiety +35712,"It finally got the best of me I have suffered with health anxiety over the past year but it’s been increasingly worse the past few months. This along with the stress I have been under lately has been a disastrous combination. My heart rate has been higher than usual lately along with this weird pain in chest and shoulder,obviously leading me to constantly believe I’m having a heart attack. Also I’ve been somewhat struggling with more intense allergy symptoms. +I don’t have health insurance so I’ve been trying to just ignore it and chalk it up to stress but of course my mind wonders and then I go to google. The past month alone I’ve convinced myself that I have various heart issues, brain tumors, ALS and so many more. +So, long story short, yesterday it got the best of me and I had a panic attack and went to urgent care. The nurse practitioner has pretty much decided it’s all stress related but decided to do an EKG and a few blood tests anyway. The EKG came back fine and he says by the look of things I seem pretty healthy. Unfortunately the blood test result won’t be in until Saturday so that’s weighing on me because I’m obviously thinking the worst but he prescribed me some anxiety meds and they have helped slightly. +But it still sucks to be such a prisoner in my own mind. ",Anxiety +35713,Food went down the wrong hole. I’m panicking right now. A few hours ago I was eating a sandwich and I think I swallowed some through my wind pipe. I choked for a few seconds and drank some water and thought I was okay but I’m feeling some discomfort in my chest an it feels like something is stuck in my upper chest. I googled and it said that it could get infected or cause pneumonia. I don’t know what to do right now,Anxiety +35714,"The dread of thinking you have cancer... again My health anxiety has been okay for the last year or so but it's become out of control in the last few days. My poor husband keeps trying to reassure me but I'm struggling to keep myself together 😔 + +Firstly, I've had two cold sores in the last month. That's kind of strange as usually I have an outbreak once a year, maybe twice. + +Then about a week ago I developed a really sudden intense pain on the left side underneath my rib towards the back. I've never had a pain like that before and wasn't sure why it was happening. Luckily it went away after a few hours. + +I've also been waking up a few nights lately sweating a little (that always starts alarm bells in my mind but I told myself it's probably because I was due for my period) + +Then last night, I woke up with a really sore throat. I instantly got kind of nervous - especially combined with the two cold sores recently. I've felt kinda warm all day but in the last few hours, I feel like I'm freezing and think I might be getting a fever - which never happens to me during a cold 😖😖😖 + +So ofc now I'm freaking out wondering if my immune system is destroyed because of Leukemia or Lymphoma. I'm trying to be calm but it's really difficult atm 😔😔 I'm hoping all this has been influenced by how stressed I've been for the last year but I'm still really scared. Any words of advice/support would be incredibly appreciated rn. ",Anxiety +35715,"Okay, I can't live like this. How do I get help? I've had health anxiety since I can remember, I was like probably 6 or 7 when I had my first flare up but this last year it is off the charts. I actually have had some health scares and I think it's triggering it beyond belief. I think it's actually causing the aches and pains. I'm at the point where I'm 500% sure I have colon cancer and ALS and cervix/ovarian cancer and an undiagnosed heart issue. Now my kidneys hurt? So naturally my cancer has spread. It's been like this for a year, and my only relief has been when seasonal depression hits. + +I'm getting married soon. I have a good job. I have lots to look forward to but I'm so so sure I won't be around to see it. I need help and no one takes me seriously. My doctor doesn't understand that this iya ruining my life and keeps giving me meds. With side effects. To someone with health anxiety. I've taken like six different types and none help at all. I can only afford 4 sessions of therapy per year and have found them mostly useless. + +There has to be something. I can do. I'm so sure I'm going to die and I'm fucking terrified.",Anxiety +35716,"Convinced I have MRI contrast dye poisoning weeks after a brain MRI. Need help coping. Using a somewhat new throwaway account, sorry if my karma is low. I'm sort of new to the realization that I have HA, but it all makes sense now. I've always had anxiety, but it's definitely evolved into this about 6 months ago. + +A few months back, I had some strange symptoms that were related to jaw pain. I've pretty much figured out what's wrong there, but because of that, I've seen a slew of doctors including a neurologist. My doctor ordered a brain MRI with contrast just to be safe. I stupidly googled if the contrast dye can cause adverse reactions in people (I strongly suggest you don't google it.) Anyway, after the MRI, I felt nauseated, which set my HA into a tailspin. + +Now, a few weeks later, I'm noticing that my feet, hands, and legs suddenly go cold, especially when I'm sitting down. I'm talking freezing cold, even if the rest of my body is warm. When they finally warm up, I get pins and needles all down my legs and today, I woke up with muscle spasms in my feet and legs. My scumbag brain is telling me I have some type of weird contrast dye poisoning that isn't curable, you know how it goes. + +My feet getting freezing cold does happen when I'm not in what I would say would be a heightened state of anxiety. It usually sends me into a state of anxiety which I'm sure definitely doesn't help my extremities. It's a real chicken/egg scenario. + +Does this sound like anxiety to anyone or should I actually be concerned? I mean, I'm young (just turned 30,) I exercise about 4 or 5 times a week, I eat pretty healthy, and am all around healthy. In my mind, this should not be happening, but, here I am. I'm also worried that if I go to the doctor and ask him to test to see if I still have the dye in my system, he's going to think I'm crying wolf and won't take me seriously when something else is wrong. + +I definitely need the sage advice of other HA veterans. I'm new to this and don't know how to tell my brain to stop worrying about it. It won't, and I feel out of control, like I can't shut it off.",Anxiety +35717,"Constant headache: how worried should I be? Every day I have some kind of headache. I wake up, do my thing, go to work, and there it is. Some days it comes with nausea. I've been with this for 3 weeks now. + +1. Most of the time it's not a full blown migraine. Those, I take sumatriptan for (and then I lie down and fall asleep for like 9 hours) + +2. I'm drinking more water. I do usually have a cup of coffee with cream and sugar in the morning, but the headache starts before I have coffee. + +3. I do regularly spend a lot of time in front of computer devices. I work on a computer at work, and my favorite passtimes are MMOs and other video games. + +4. I've got some hot garbage vision, but I wear my glasses all the time. + +5. The pain.... roams? that's the best way to explain it. It doesn't just sit in one location. Sometimes its behind my eye (either eye). Sometimes it's on my temple. Sometimes it's at the back of my head, or the top. + +I have really bad anxiety about actually going to the doctor or the hospital. Hospitals freak me out and I worry that if I go to the doctor they'll send me there. .... I also have a $20 copay for each visit, and a $100 copay if I go to the hospital. ",Anxiety +35718,"Can you feel your heart beat in your lower back?? This keeps happening and it’s scary, because everything online tells me it’s an anyuerism and I’m going to die. +I’m 19, average build maybe 160 pounds? And 5’5. I don’t smoke and have no history of this in my family, and no heart problems I know of. The pulsing is quite hard and almost feels like someone tapping me in time with my pulse, that’s how hard it feels. When I have loose fitting clothes I can feel it pulse against that, or if I’m sat against a leather chair or laying on my back I can feel it, sometimes it’s to the right other times it’s to the left. I want to go to A&E but my mum won’t listen and says it’s just my anxiety, but I’ve never had this before. :( I can’t drive so I’m just stuck and feel like I’m waiting for it to burst suddenly, it’s been like this for a week and is progressively more apparent each day",Anxiety +35719,"Ugh lymph nodes! Last month I had a swollen lymph node in my armpit, painful but went away in a few days. Today I have ANOTHER swollen lymph node, same armpit different location? Is it affected by hormones, maybe because I'm about to start my period? I hate this, y'all!",Anxiety +35720,"Freaking out It’s past midnight here and I have work early in the morning. I have been feeling this pain in the left side of my chest for the past hour every time I breathe. I don’t know what it is and it’s freaking me out. This is what I wrote out in my notes: + +What I think I have: +- GERD +- Angina +- Pleurisy + +What I’m feeling: +- Dull pain in left chest area, towards the middle of the boob (this is new and just started happening) +- Burning feeling in area before stomach starts (comes and goes) +- Constant burning/pain sensation in left chest area (comes and goes randomly) + + +I don’t know how to calm myself down. I can’t fall asleep because I’m scared because I feel like I have some sort of blood clot that will burst any second now. ",Anxiety +35721,"Do I have POTS? When I stand up my heart rate increases noticeably, I’m worried I have Postural Tachycardia Syndrome? Tingling on right side of chest and arm. Thank you ahead of time.",Anxiety +35722,Been having lots of health anxiety lately about cancer. So I had this hard palate lump behind of my front teeth it's been there for 5 years it grew same time as my 4 wisdome teeth I was wonder could it be a impacted canine? Like a tooth grow inside my hard palate? When I push my upper lip like bellow my nose i can feel it poking out. Although I had blood work done in about 5 months ago my doctors said I'm health i had no cancer and my thyroid are good and other blood related check up are also came out normal,Anxiety +35723,"Anyone else? (HARD thump from the heart) As for a little back story, I’m 22, and I used to smoke weed all the time. Long story short, I got home from work one day about half a year ago, smoked what I then considered a normal amount of weed, and then was watching videos when I basically had a panic attack (racing heart, thinking I’m going to die, the works) +This was especially confusing because of the fact that nothing had changed or differed from my usual schedule. I had no reason to have anxiety over anything, and was in a happy place mentally, but, whatever. Anxiety. +It got to the point where I felt that way more and more, to the point that I started to feel my heart rhythm go crazy all the time, which then led to me visiting a cardiologist. They did every test imaginable and everything came back perfect, with the doc lightly suggesting I exercise a little more, but it’s not super necessary. He said it was anxiety related and that I didn’t need any meds, but prescribed me a blood thinner to take if my heart were to ever go absolutely crazy again. I never did take them, and it ultimately got better. I now do think it was me just tripping out in my mind. +So fast forward and I have a different issue. During my stint of heart related anxiety, one symptom I got towards the end (the worst of all) was when I would lay down at night, or be any bit more tired than usual, my heart would THUD extremely hard. It started with the occasional thud by itself, and as the days went on it became 2 thuds, 3 thuds, 4 thuds, all about 10 seconds apart from each other, increasing in force. It felt as if my heart rhythm would be thrown off, and then this thud came out of nowhere, and it was SUCH a forceful punch of a feeling that it scared the hell out of me. I was a cigarette smoker at the time, and completely stopped. I also stopped drinking even occasionally, as these things are known to increase the chance of palpitations. It got to the point where I would even get these thuds when I just woke up, and right before I went to sleep, and they seemed to be triggered when I laid down, or bent over to tie my shoe or whatever the case may be. I considered the fact that my cardiologist said my heart was fine so I just tried not to think about it. +It stopped eventually, for about 2 months. Now they’re back. In the last 2 weeks, this has occurred 3 nights now. I’ve also noticed that a flutter (thud of the same kind but to a much lesser degree) happens when I take a deep breath sometimes, not always. Again, when I’m tired. I’m wondering if this is worth another trip to the cardiologist, or if this is something others have experienced and gotten past themselves. I don’t have health insurance so I don’t want to go spend upwards of 1000 dollars to be told they’re benign, although they feel like my heart will explode when they happen. Does this sound familiar to anyone?",Anxiety +35724,"I don’t know what to do This is long I’m sorry. + +Symptoms started in January, just feeling off, super tired, nauseous, headaches almost everyday, always feel as if I’m about to get sick (hot throat, run down, feeling like lymph nodes were swollen, etc). At this time I was attempting to recover from binge eating disorder and going through a bout of seasonal depression, and my doctor said it’s the depression making me feel all this. Prescribed me Zoloft, which I took for two weeks and stopped because the headaches I got everyday were unimaginable. + +The feeling of something being off physically never goes away. Start to feel a constant ache in my ears down the side of my neck and under my jaw. I mean literally every second of everyday. Still frequent headaches. Still feel lymph nodes are swollen. Wake up one morning at the end of March and my throat feels worse than it has in 10 years. Go to medexpress and I have strep. I thought maybe that’s what it’s been all this time?! Antibiotics work after a few days on the throat but all other symptoms remain. + +Between February and March I went to an ENT who basically dismissed me and said I have TMJ, looked in my ears which he said looked perfectly healthy. So then I go to my dentist and he took an x ray of my entire head showing all jaw joints, which are normal. No sign of grinding. Looked confused when I told him right in the morning when I wake up is when I feel the best, then it gets worse throughout the day. Still gave me a mouth guard to wear at night but makes no difference. + +If I was in constant anxiety over this I would chalk it up to that but I’m really not. My CBC, diff, platelets, and all my chemistries were all normal, so that helps a lot. I’m just so tired of feeling this way. Constant headaches and nausea, with a weird ache/pressure/sensation (not painful or tender) in my ears, down my neck, under my jaw, with pain in my shoulders and the back of my neck sometimes. Some tinges of chest pains here and there. + +What the heck do I do next? See an allergist? Get a more thorough thyroid battery? I’m at a loss and can’t stand feeling like this.",Anxiety +35725,"Just so scary. So, I’ve had health anxiety for most of my life. Like over 30 years. I am a nurse. It was easy to go into healthcare because Id spent so much of my life researching different diseases I was sure I had, or thought I had a good chance of getting, or someone I knew I had. I used to really obsessively research stuff, it somehow made me feel better. Anyway. Now, I’m a nurse. I just finished a 4 day stretch of shifts (14 hours a day, no time for meal breaks or any rest at all during work) and I only had time to sleep about 6 hours between shifts. So, I know rationally that my body and mind are exhausted and that exacerbates the health anxiety. But I woke this morning and every single muscle in my legs and back hurt so bad I can hardly walk. My hands are clammy and cold and sweaty (this never happens). I keep swinging between feeling really hot and then getting really chilled. I also have severe emetophobia and I’m terrified I’m coming down with something. My tummy feels weird like I need to poop but I can’t. I can’t stand the thought of food. My throat hurts. And all of this is setting off major panic attacks so bad I feel like I can’t leave my house. (I have a therapy appt in an hour and I really really need to go grocery shopping). Please help. Do you think I’m sick? Thanks. ",Anxiety +35726,"I accidentally sniffed hand sanitizer. Should i be concerned? so i had just sanitized my some hand sanitizer, (Unsure of brand) and i happened to catch a wiff of my hands, it was an extremely strong smell, and i felt a slight burn in my nose initially, think i'll be ok? i already feel extremely stupid right now and i'm wondering if i have brain damage or something.",Anxiety +35727,hi how do I get rid of this I literally have anxiety attacks over the most insignificant bs I know I’m okay and healthy yet whenever I start thinking about my organs or focus on my breathing I lose my shit wtf is wrong with me help,Anxiety +35728,"I have a rabies fear, can anyone help out? This all started last June, I was playing with my dog in my yard. He lunges forward and I reached out with my hand and his tooth scraped my middle finger. It did cut the skin and I was bleeding. My finger was tingling at the site where he bit me. I went to go wash it off and didn’t think much of it until I looked on the fridge and I see my dog was a week overdue on his rabies vaccine. I panicked and wasn’t sure what I should do. I know of rabies, but I didn’t KNOW rabies until my dumb mind did some googling. + +If you know where the googling is going, then you understand my fear. If you don’t, just don’t worry about it. + +My dog at the time is a 13 year old German Shepherd. He is prone to seizures and would have a couple of them a year. We’ve had him for 11 years so we know how to handle the situation. He also drooled and foamed a lot in the mouth. That was his natural way. He’s been vaccinated every year as it is required in the state of New Mexico. + +I did go to urgent care and received a Tetanus shot since I was overdue on that one but my doctor told me that it’s been over 40 years since a dog had rabies in my area. so I did not receive the rabies shots. Which made me feel better honestly. For about 5 months. + +In October, my dog was put down because he was struggling to stand up and seemed like he was in pain a lot. + +In late November, I got what seemed like a week long cold. Sore throat, tired, drained and all that junk. I was sick but not terrible so I went to a concert and I started to feel worse. For some dumb reason, the first thing that appeared in my mind was rabies. And I almost panicked because of it and couldn’t enjoy the show. I went home after feeling very horrible. I couldn’t sleep, a headache kicked in, my fever rose and it’s like my mind was repeating the same scene over and over all night long and I couldn’t sleep at all. Then I woke up around 5 am with a racing heartbeat that wouldn’t slow down at all. I felt awful and was fearful about rabies. + +Since that day, I never ignored my finger where my dog bit me. I still feel pain and a minor tingling sensation where he bit me and all I can think about is if I have rabies. It’s practically on a daily basis I look at the spot. I have no idea how to get past this. It’s been 9 months since the incident and I still worry about getting it. I just can’t shake this fear out of my mind. I thought the spot where he bit me would be gone but the area is still red as if it’s been only a couple of weeks since he’s bitten me. + +I’ve tried everything, such as logic. It’s exceedingly rare in the US, most rabies cases have been from bats in the US or contracted outside. Last person to die from a dog rabies in the US was in 1974. Basically when my parents were still kids. And I’m 25 now. My dog survived the 10 day quarantine and we vaccinated him after those 10 days just in case. + +Like I can’t shake the fear. Each time my finger is in pain or even get a tingling sensation, my mind instantly jumps to that conclusion. I almost don’t care about anything else. I have stomach pains and I’m going to see a gastroenterologist about it, I really wouldn’t care if they told me I had cancer. Rabies is just something that truly sparks fear in my mind. + +I even freak out seeing bats in the sky since I work at stadiums as a camera guy. ",Anxiety +35729,"Scared about Stomach Cancer I’ve had some pretty bad abdominal pain/cramping the last few days that also moves up my chest and feels like heartburn when I lie down. It was so bad today I went to the ER because I was getting pretty nervous. I told my symptoms to the doctor which include pain in my mid/high abdomen, more pain when lying down, more heartburn at night etc. + +He told me I had classic symptoms of acid reflux and put me on some Zantac. I just started it today and he gave me a months worth to take until it helps with the Acid Reflux. He also told me that when he checked with his stethoscope that all my bowel sounds were normal and it my digestive track was working fine. I asked him if I needed a CT or if they found anything strange and he said no. + +But I’ve dug myself deep into a hole and I’m convinced from all the shit I’ve read online that the abdominal pain is from stomach cancer even though I don’t show other signs. Can anyone give me some tips on how to deal with this HA? It’s getting really bad now, and I’m sure the stress is probably adding to my pain/cramps. ",Anxiety +35730,"Has Anyone else experienced neck pain right on left side where pulse is? Hi, so recently I have been experiencing slight neck pain of the left side of my neck where I feel a pulse. I’m worrying this is a blood clot in my carotid artery that will cause a stroke. Has anyone ever felt this before?",Anxiety +35731,"Circulatory problems. Cause for concern? I'm a very thin dude, just under 120 lbs and probably 5'8"" or so. I have pretty big hands, long gangly fingers and have a friend my age who is 6'5 (probably twice my weight), who has only slightly bigger hands. Bad circulation is kind of a family thing, and my Dad has troubles with it. Every girl I've been with will continually comment on how cold my hands are, it ruins some things in that regard for me. Sometimes when I start to get warm again after coming indoors or holding a cold one for a while orange spots begin to appear, but my hands rarely warm up to my body's temperature. Should I care now or just worry about getting healthier overall? ",Anxiety +35732,"Medication? So ive had healthanxiety for 3 years and it sucks.. and i have never tried any medication, is it something any one of you would recommend? ",Anxiety +35733,"Kidney infection? I’m a 36yo female. +A few weeks ago I recognized a UTI coming on. I did what we all do and started drinking a ton of water and taking my cranberry/probiotic capsules. By chance, my annual gyno exam was like two days after it started. Even though my symptoms had started to get better (with still occasional pain with urination) I asked them about it. They said they didn’t see anything, but I begged and she begrudgingly gave me 3 days worth of antibiotics. +Then I started getting back pain.. but this is normal for me, I have back problems. It was across my lower back so didn’t seem to be specifically over my kidneys. It got pretty bad and I went to urgent care where they did another urine which was clear again (possibly because of the super short dose of antibiotics the week prior) they gave me muscle relaxants and sent me on my way. +The NEXT week (this week) the pain started to intensify. It started keeping me up at night and was definitely over where my right kidney should be. Back to urgent care. They said I had blood etc in my itinerary this time. Did a CT scan but didn’t see stones. Gave me fluids and pain meds, and a script for keflex and sent me on my way. +I got about two doses under my belt, and woke up yesterday morning with excruciating pain that now radiated to my abdomen as well. I was getting cold chills and nausea. I headed for the ER. +They ran a gamut of tests on me and concluded that it’s a raging kidney infection. They admitted me and I’ve been on IV pain meds and antibiotics. My white cell count, which was pretty high, is normalizing. No more chills or nausea. +My question is, why isn’t my pain going away? When the meds wear off it’s still excruciating! I’m a realist.. I know there’s still going to be SOME pain.. I’ve been in the hospital for two days though and it ruts almost exclusively in my abdomen now. The nurse can’t seem to explain it to me, and I won’t see the doctor until the morning. I’m concerned that this is something more nefarious than a kidney infection but I’m wondering if anyone has had an experience like this or has any input at all really that might help. +Thank you so much in advance! ",Anxiety +35734,"Thanks, Ancestry😔 Hi guys! +So i recently took an Ancestry DNA test and I bought access to the records. My maternal grandmother apparently died of Uterine Cancer at 40 years old. My grandmother was always told it was lung cancer. She thought it made sense since her mother was a very heavy tobacco smoker. Anywho, now I’m constantly worried about this. I also have PCOS that makes me have irregular periods. Just crappy thoughts and i hate this! I’ve had health anxiety in the past. Luckily I have my therapist appointment on Monday so I’ll talk to him about this “new fact”. Thanks for listening. ",Anxiety +35735,"Very scared about joint pain, have had health anxiety for months Hi all, + +I'm 20 years old and since November I have been suffering from health anxiety. I have always has mild anxiety but it never got in the way of me living my life. Now though everyday, all I can think about is my health and the symptoms I have. In the past four months I have thought I have breast cancer, lung cancer, gallstones, stomach ulcers, peripheral artery disease, peripheral neuropathy, etc. The list goes on. I have been to the doctors so many times. As soon as I'm not worrying about one symptom anymore, a new one shows up. + +For the past month I have had strange feelings in my legs (random numbness and shooting pains). My feet also get red and burn when I stand for too long. My doc diagnosed me with venous insufficiency but I couldn't stop worrying it was something else. I started noticing that a lot of the time the pain is in my joints. Since then, almost 24/7 I have some pain in my joints ranging from mild to very painful. Yesterday I even started feeling pain in my TM joint. I am convinced I have rheumatoid arthritis because I also have lack of appetite and low iron. I emailed my doctor about this Tuesday and she hasn't gotten back to me and I am so worried I am thinking I'm going to go to an urgent care. I have also read that joint pain can result from anxiety which I try to convince myself that that is what is happening to me but I am still so worried. + +My mom is trying to convince me that I am fine but she doesn't know that for sure. I am literally on the verge of tears almost all of the time and cry almost daily. I can't focus on schoolwork because my mind always drifts back to the pain. I am so tired of living like this and not being able to tell if my symptoms are a result from anxiety or from a disease. I just want to go back to how I was before. + +Has anyone here experienced something similar? Should I go to an urgent care just in case? ",Anxiety +35736,"Weird bump/crease in the back of my head I have always had a crease in the back of my head but I just felt it and it feels like it's more significant than before. I have gained weight, so its probably that. I googled people with bald heads and some people have this crease while others do not. Is this normal to have??/",Anxiety +35737,"I Love you ALL! Last year March I experienced my first panic attack followed by a few more which led me to a spiral of anxiety and health anxiety which I didn’t even know was a thing till recently. I felt so alone especially when I looked around at everyone else and they seem to be fine and dandy. After searching this thread and reading everyone’s posts has given me a lot of hope and can’t thank everyone enough for contributing their experiences and how they’ve managed or beat their anxieties. + +Battling this awful feeling has made me appreciate everything in life a whole lot more and to love A LOT More. Also To not take life so damn seriously and to remember that we are human and that life is short. Anyways just wanted to thank everyone in this community for all the support and informative threads. I Love you ALL! God Bless!",Anxiety +35738,"what should be the Best time of my life, is being absolutely destroyed by ALS fears I dont know what to do. I have had twitching, muscles in specific areas decreasing, and feelings of weakness marked by certain muscles seemingly taking over for the ones that are lost, such as when i walk, ect. for over three years this has been an issue that i have had to ensure myself that it's nothing, and was able to ignore it blissfully for the most part, especially last year in an exciting freshman year of college. But then, back in august i met an amazing girl and suddenly everything came crashing down. My future was important to ensure for myself, so I started paying more attention to my body for reassurance. And boom. The issue was not gone, and I knew it. It was worse, in fact. It had spread. The next three months were nothing short of hell. I lost myself. No sense of self. Life itself felt super meaningless and artificial. I thought about death daily. How to kill myself in the least horrible way if i got the diagnosis. My faith was depleted. It felt like I actually died inside. And all this at the time that should have been THE BEST of my life, aka honeymoon phase of a new exciting relationship. It effected us negatively, obviously. Thank God, in december I somehow felt like i came back to life. I can only credit God for answering my distressed, desperate prayers the entire month prior. I was able to focus on my life and my relationship in Jan, Feb, and march, which were all GREAT, with these health worries still present but always able to be beaten. But today i find myself in a situation trying to schedule an appointment for an EMG, in order to finally out this away, after getting dismissed without a checkup back in october. im scheduled for june to get checked and HOPEFULLY sent to an EMG. I just cant let this ruin my life anymore. I need to know. This is the loneliest feeling ever. My body has something going on. I just need to know.",Anxiety +35739,"Seeing a therapist for health anxiety Has anyone seen a therapist for health anxiety? I’ve read a couple of posts where one person said they didn’t find it helpful, others were debating on going to a therapist/psychiatrist, but I can’t remember if anyone has actually talked about seeing one and how/if it helped. + +If anyone has any experience with seeing a therapist about health anxiety please let me know! Hopefully this thread can be used in the future too so add in your experience if you feel comfortable doing so.",Anxiety +35740,"Suddenly Developed Health Anxiety Greetings Redditors, + +This is my first post ever on this website, honestly the first blog that I could think of to go to and I really need some advice. Im a 21 year old Male. + +When I turned 21 in September I developed a severe drinking habit. I would drink every night to black out. This continued from September through January. After January first I decided to quit cold turkey which I believe caused my body a great deal of stress. When I was detoxing I began to google my symptoms. This was my first obsession with my health. I settled on having Diabetes. It all added up in my head, the light headedness, tingling in my feet and hands, and lots of sweating. I went to the doctor after 2 to 3 days of intense worry to find out I was perfectly healthy with near perfect cholesterol, sugar, iron, etc levels. + +In around mid February I came to the conclusion that this is an anxiety disorder. + +I was talking to someone on FaceTime and laughed really hard at what they said. While I was laughing I felt/heard a click in my head (probably just my jaw) and immediately thought I had had a brain aneurysm. I then for the next three or four days was having terrible (what I know now) panic attacks. + +This transitioned into me believing that my panic attacks were Heart attacks and the slurred speech I got when I was coming out of the attack to be me having a Stroke despite not ever displaying symptoms of Stroke, Heart Attack, Aneurysm, etc. + +The attacks would be so bad that I would for days feel like I was walking around in a dream, a buzzing feeling in my head, strong sensitivity to light and sound. I just felt like complete shit always. This was often paired up with severe tension headaches and the sensation of cold water being poured on my head (always the right side which further worried me, thought I was having strokes) + +Every single day since that day it has been something else. Ive convinced myself that I am anemic, diabetic, having liver failure, having appendicitis, having eye cancer, tonsil cancer, bone cancer. You name it I've probably convinced myself of it. + +Currently I am struggling with a bump behind my right molar. This is on the side of the gum line and more than 100% sure it is a wisdom tooth coming in completely sideways (as I am that age). However my sympathetic nervous system decided to force me to believe that it was a tumor and that I was going to die. This caused me to have probably close to a dozen panic attacks over the course of around 3 hours. Each one lasting anywhere from a few minutes to 20-30. Hyperventilation, racing heart, sharp chest pain, feeling of impending doom, sweating, and aggressive crying. + +Before I quit drinking, I never worried about anything. I could handle an extreme workload without even the slightest repercussion. And now seemingly every single day its a new worry that makes it so that I just want to fucking die. + +Ive never seen a Doctor for the disorder, just to have them check up on the symptoms that I think I'm experiencing. + +My main question is, has this happened to anyone before? Like an anxiety disorder developing seemingly overnight, the course of a few days? Or is this extremely abnormal. + +At this point Im just really really scared and want to start to feel normal again. I don't know what to do..",Anxiety +35741,"Driving Anxiety I tend to get very anxious while I'm driving or even when I am on the passenger side. When I know I have to drive somewhere the day before, I lose sleep. Is there anybody else that have the same problem, and what is the best solution? ",Anxiety +35742,"I'm getting a colonoscopy and I'm freaking terrified I've had minor GI bleeding for a while that warrants a colonoscopy. I want to do it because at the very least it'll give me a peace of mind but it's the biggest procedure I've had so far in my life and the first time I'll be under sedation, so I'm absolutely freaking out. I'm 25, people my age don't usually go under colonoscopies so it's kind of hard to talk about this with others. + +Even the prep alone sounds awful thanks to all the horror stories. I know it's a routine procedure for folks way older than me but I'm still pretty scared. Has anyone here gotten a colonoscopy at a young age? One of the things that concerns me is that I've heard people who have IBS have worse symptoms after the procedure likely due to the prep.",Anxiety +35743,"Skin cancer fears Skin cancer is a specific fear of mine because of a few awful burns I've had in the past. I'm pale, so I burn incredibly easily. I am 100% convinced I am going to get skin cancer eventually. + +There's a small bump on the back of my head, no bigger than the tip of my thumb. I can't see it, but apparently it's pink. You know when you get a bump on your head from hitting it and there's sort of a dull pain when pressure is applied to it? That's how it feels when I press on the bump that's on the back of my head. It's hard, you can't really press down on it. + +As I type this I'm pretty anxious because I'm convinced whatever the bump on my head is is going to kill me. There are so many different ways skin cancer can look, and I'm scared that's what I have. I don't remember hitting my head on anything recently, and even if I did, I've never had a bump form that was that small before.",Anxiety +35744,"Scared I’ve got cervical cancer; Hiya. + +I’ve been trying to keep my HA at bay, been plagued by it for 15yrs almost now. Currently worrying I have cervical cancer and I can’t check because I have vaginismus whenever I try to have smear tests. I’ve had a lot going on since October last year and tried to seek answers from health professionals (I say that so lightly) and people on Reddit for advice. I’ve had loads of symptoms since January that you can get with various stages of cervical cancer but I don’t know if it’s based on basic stuff. I’ve had around 5+ blood tests, stool samples, ultrasounds of my ovaries in that time and two unsuccessful smear exams. I’m super scared but apparently any changes could be picked up in bloodwork I’ve been told by a semi professional, my bf’s mum is a GP so I try to ask him to get her opinions etc. I’m so scared and keep googling cervical cancer and the signs. Tho I’ve had swabs taken from just outside my cervix tho that won’t detect any normalities. I just wanna be normal and not worry. This is the second cancer scare I’ve put myself through since February :/",Anxiety +35745,"I have a chest cold So of course I probably have cancer. And my head hurts a little so I'm sure I'm headed for an aneurysm. My back is sore from sleeping on a shitty mattress but it could be scoliosis. I peed more than usual today so of course my kidneys are in jeopardy. Ugh, I am tired. So MS, right? + +Anyway, I am just annoyed at my thoughts and figured they needed to get out of my head. ",Anxiety +35746,Has anyone used cbd for health anxiety Just wondering if anyone added it to there diet and if it helped at all .,Anxiety +35747,"Severe health anxiety... lost 15 lbs. need support. I started having abdominal pain that radiates to the back in January, did a bunch of blood test, ultrasound and x-Ray. I was diagnosed with Fatty Liver which is not related to my pain. I was told to loose weight and that I should be good. + +I was on a diet for a month after the fatty liver diagnose, lost 4KG in a month which scared the hell out of me but I keep telling myself it’s because I’m on a diet. But I’m also noticing that my appetite isn’t very good, I have bad days and good days. I just feel nauseous on bad days like I literally don’t wanna eat anything. My pain has almost gone away now. + +Now I’m obsessing over cancer like lymphoma and things like that, checking my lymph nodes and literally I feel pain in my groin area. + +I’ve always had health anxiety all my life but last 3 months I feel really depressed over my health anxiety, constant worrying. + +Any suggestions? Planning on going back to my doctor? I’m not eating as much these days due to nausea. I don’t even know how to explain to my doctor anymore. This weight loss is concerning is though on good days, I control my diet due to fatty liver...",Anxiety +35748,"What do you do against the fear of never recover of generalized anxiety? I do sports every day, im not isolated, im using medication and its afraid me because im constantly stress. Its afrais me a lot because all my effort for turn down can be ruined in one minute . I never turn down and i dont know what can i do more. I think i will do yoga but i dont think if it will help me a lot. I already find my trigger but next they dont work and i find next new trigger and two weeks later they dont work...... +So i fear to never recover this is my only fear +I mean that its only that who make me feel anxious +By the way what are your trigger?",Anxiety +35749,"Recovery People of ha who have recovered,how did u do it?",Anxiety +35750,Accidentally splashed bits of toilet water in my mouth So I was spitting something out of my mouth and when it hit hard it splashed a bit of water while I had my mouth open. I was standing up but I am worried that some toilet water may have gotten in my mouth. Granted it was flushed (afaik) at that time because it was clear water but still ,Anxiety +35751,"Can brain tumors cause ear problems? (M 22) + +My problems began last July. I went on a swimming pool and got an earful of water (the left one). Ever since, I've had the following symptoms: + +Pain in the ear + +Pain in the left side of my head, around the left ear, kind of above too. + +Pain in the lower left side of my head, in a sort of bone or place behind/below the left ear + +Feeling of pressure on left side of head and left ear + +Feeling of something liquid in the left ear + +Sometimes a bit of tinnitus on left ear + +More recently, minor twitching sensation below and sometimes above left eye + +I've tried those drops for swimmer's ear and had my ears cleaned by a specialist. I had a persistent ear infection (left ear, of course) for most of December. Went to an ear doctor in January and he said there was nothing he could find. Still, my symptoms persist. I'm now terrified that it could be a brain tumor. What could be the cause?",Anxiety +35752,"Health anxiety is ruining my life. I don’t know where else to vent. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. Every other day I’m dying of a new disease and I just can’t take it anymore. Panic attack after panic attack, constantly researching symptoms and self diagnosing. When will it ever end? Some days I just feel like giving up, my anxiety is destroying me slowly. I don’t know if anyone will see this but I had to write this down somewhere and it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thanks for listening friends. +",Anxiety +35753,"convinced i have rabies i’m so fucking exhausted with this god damn disease. i am. i woke up a week ago w some scratches on my hand that i didn’t quite remember having... i have a cat, and we play and he’s scratched me before, so it definitely could’ve been him but my brain defaulted to a bat coming in my house. a rabid bat. + +see bat bites you can sleep through, so i assume a bat came in through my chimney and bit me while i was sleeping, i didn’t notice, it got back out, and now i’m infected with rabies and doomed because i was too afraid to see a doctor. + + i’ve had dreams about it for days. my throat hurt two days ago on the left side. my leg right now is kind of sore on the outer part and hurts. am i going to die ",Anxiety +35754,"Anxiety about rabies exposures I'm extremely frustrated and scared and not sure how to resolve this. A few years ago I was bitten by a wild animal and received the rabies post-exposure prophylaxis. Then last fall I was bitten by a different wild animal and received booster doses. + +&#x200B; + +Now I've been scratched by a third wild animal. I don't want receive more doses of the vaccine. It is very expensive and could potentially harm me (cause Multiple sclerosis or GBS or some systemic inflammatory response). I can't imagine that many people have received this vaccine on three separate occasions within only a few years. + +&#x200B; + +The experts say that while the potential for rabies exposure is very low, it can't be ruled out. To be certain that I won't develop rabies, I would need another two doses of the vaccine. + +&#x200B; + +Has anyone received multiple rabies vaccinations? Looking for advice and support.",Anxiety +35755,"Dizziness, pressure in head, headaches, strange seizure-like episodes - brain tumor or sinus infection? Hey all. I'm making a doctor's appointment first thing in the moring but I'd like some advice on what I am experiencing in the meantime. + +For a couple months I have been getting these strange episodes that I can only describe as pseudo-seizures. One of the most notable symptoms is that I suddenly have this overwhelming sensation of physical buildup, like you get right before a good sneeze or before you start crying. However, that release doesn't come, so I get urges to make noise like moaning or screaming to force the feeling out. Another big symptom is a sudden inability or difficulty in swallowing. It's like I've forgotten how to move my tongue properly or like my mouth is too dry, and I can only partially swallow. I have to push food to the back of my throat so that it's already partially down and then struggle to get it the rest of the way. I stop eating when this happens because I don't want to risk choking. Other symptoms are a tightness in the back of my head, confusion, and sometimes waves of tingles or energy washing over my scalp. The waves are very brief, but will repeat over and over for up to 20 minutes. When they stop, the rest of the symptoms go away too. I havent gotten too many of these the past couple weeks but they were nearly constant a month ago. + +For the past couple weeks I have been having sporadic dizzy spells that feel like my body is floating or like my brain is swimming around in my head. Sometimes I get queasy during these spells. I noticed that they seemed to come or be worsened when looking at screens like my phone or computer, so I eventually figured it must be cybersickness. I am using my devices less and more carefully, and the dizzy spells got better for a few days. + +However, now I am having very uncomfortable pressure in my head that seems to move around. It is mainly in my temples and the back of my head, but sometimes I can feel it in my nose too. It ranges from being annoying to feeling like my head has been put in a gentle hydraulic press. I feel dizzy when the pressure worsens. + +Every so often, my right hand will feel slightly numb, and it feels like I've lost some fine motor control in it. However it's hard to tell if that is real or is just anxiety. It could also be carpal tunnel because I am an artist and it's in the hand I use to do most everything. It usually goes away in a few minutes to an hour. + +I have been dealing with issues with my eyeglass prescription for the past few months. My old prescription had run its course and had started giving me trouble so I went and got a new one a few weeks ago, but it's too strong so I'm getting them bumped down a bit now. + +Here are my ""crazy"" concerns - brain tumor, adult-onset hydrocephalus, brain cancer (cancer is of least concern because I recently had bloodwork and it came back perfect, so I shouldn't have that) + +My more realisic theories are - sinus issues like infection or irritation, anxiety, eye strain from not wearing my glasses and having an outdated/overpowered prescription. + +I was getting my prescription rewritten today and my eye doctor looked at my eyes to see if he could find any sign of a tumor, and he said everything looked good to him but I'm still worried. + +What are all your thoughts? Do you think those strange episodes are really seizures? Should I be worried I have a tumor?",Anxiety +35756,Alcohol and Anxiety my psychiatrist just prescribed me lexapro today but whenever i’m taking any medicine over the counter or prescription i never like to drink. i know that i’m definitely going to want o drink this weekend because it’s my birthday. i don’t want to have anxiety about it so does anyone have experiences ? or should i just wait to start the meds till sunday ??,Anxiety +35757,"Extreme irrational fears I’ve recently developed an extreme fear of having an anaphylactic shock. This past month my health anxiety has been through the roof. Been through every symptom in the book believing I’ve had a brain anyerusm to a heart attack. + +The last week has been hell. I’m eating one small meal a day at most, literally starving myself scared to eat. I’m convinced I’m going to have an allergic reaction to something. I’m even starting to struggle to use hand soaps or even touch certain objects as in my irrational frame of mind I could potentially touch something I’m allergic to. + +Is anybody else suffering with something similar? I have some counselling coming up and I have been prescribed citalopram, which I haven’t started taking as I’m scared to take it due to this fear of having an allergic reaction.",Anxiety +35758,"Always make sure my room is tidy in case I have to call 911 I live my life thinking that I'm gonna have to call 911 because something's gonna happen to me so I make sure my bedroom or whatever is clean so they can come get me and not judge me over the tidiness of my room. +Does anyone else do this? I feel like it's become ridiculous at this point honestly.",Anxiety +35759,"Trying some anxiety research Hey everyone! I'm doing a project trying to really understand more of the perspective of people with anxiety. I am posting this on multiple subreddits to try and get the most amount of results. I would really appreciate it if you guys wouldn't mind helping me with my project, if this isn't within the rules, I'll one hundred percent take it down, but it would mean a lot to me to be able to get a more varied response to understand all kind of anxiety. + +&#x200B; + +[https://forms.gle/j8WQ8Y1NV2PC6xvv8](https://forms.gle/j8WQ8Y1NV2PC6xvv8)",Anxiety +35760,"Googling People say to not Google symptoms, even doctors have ""joked"" with me not to go to ""Doctor Google,"" but my brain tells me that the internet has facts on it so why is it so bad? If my symptoms is very specific why wouldn't Google be correct? I mean to say that I realize there can be many causes but if I'm experiencing something very specific and the most likely cause is on Google, wouldn't it be fairly accurate? I'm having a tough time convincing myself not to Google, but not because I think it's incorrect, but because I'm scared I'll find the truth on there. I hope in making sense in explaining my meaning. How do you get yourself to not google?",Anxiety +35761,"Worried about cancer Please help! My anxiety is out of control. I have a family history of colon cancer, and all the symptoms. I am seeing the gi doctor tomorrow. I've been in a panic for weeks and can't calm down. I keep imagining absolute worst-case scenarios. I'm so miserable and upset.",Anxiety +35762,"HA relapse. Feeling helpless. Could use some positive vibes Hey friends. Unfortunately my HA has come back full force. After a brief time of stillness and calmness a friend passed away and at the same time I was dealing with a minor neck injury. Now my HA has completely spiralled out of control again. With obsessions ranging from Heart disease, to brain cancer and aneurism. This is my third or fourth relapse with HA. Feeling extremely anxious and so so hyper aware of my body right now. Every pain, twitch, movement is highly examined... google is my best friend and enemy right now. +I cannot stop thinking I am sick. And that I will die. It’s horrible. Anyone who has had a bad relapse with HA can understand what I am going through right now. Just looking for some calming words, stories, anything right now. + +Much love HA community.",Anxiety +35763,"How to chill my brain out I’ve been experiencing heath anxiety for about a month now (i have GAD but an incident about a month ago incited my anxiety to revolve around my health.) i want to get CBT but i don’t think i can rn until school finishes in about a month. +My anxiety centers mainly around strokes/anyurisms/heart issues. + +I’ve been trying to take a minute to breathe calmly and deeply to bring my heart rate down when i’m getting anxious, but are there any other short tips anyone has when they need to calm down quick when your anxiety flares up?",Anxiety +35764,"New member- heart worries Hey everyone. I’ve had health anxiety for a few years but it hasn’t been too bad lately. However, recently I’ve noticed that I can see my pulse in my neck right at the base of the neck/throat area. I’ve been freaking out about it and I think that is making it worse but I’m not sure what to do. I had an EKG about 4 years ago and it was normal but I can’t get into the doctor soon. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar because of anxiety?",Anxiety +35765,"Vocaloid fans w health(specially heart) anxiety, please dont search about wowaka And if you did, please remember its extremely unlikely to have heart failure if you get annual check ups.",Anxiety +35766,"Started CBT therapy a few weeks ago Hi guys + +I started my course of CBT a few weeks back and one of the first steps my therapist has told me to take is to completely stop the excessive checking I do, whether that be prodding for lumps if I feel a pain, or taking tonnes of pictures of moles thinking they’ve changed etc. The therapist was saying that there isn’t really a magic formula to stop the checking you just have to do it cold turkey. + +I feel I have reduced it a fair bit since starting as I realised a lot of it was mindless, but stuff like the checking of moles is still keeping me from stopping, has anyone got any tips? + +Thanks + +",Anxiety +35767,"Urinalysis came back weird and I’m freaking out 24(F) - I just went for my routine checkup with the doctor and had a blood and urine test. The blood test came back fine for everything, but the urine test came back with elevated leukocyte erasure, wbc, bacteria, and squamous epithelial cells. I doctor googled myself into a panic about cancer/kidney/liver disease, even though it seems very likely it’s a UTI. The only thing is... I have no symptoms of a UTI. Could this be dehydration? I definitely don’t drink as much water as I should but the day I took the test I drank a lot since I knew I’d have to take a urine test. Could it be an asymptomatic UTI? If so, is there any chance I caused kidney damage by not catching it earlier? + +Possibly relevant: I also have a sinus infection/cold right now. + +The doctor hasn’t called yet to explain the results (just got them this morning). I guess I just need talking down.",Anxiety +35768,"Anxiety Brain Eating Amoeba I´ve had health anxiety for about 8 months now, I´ve always wanted to post here but have always been too sacred. For me, everything started with a scan my wife had and in the wait I started searching for possible causes and then started getting her symptoms. At first it was pancreatic cancer, then lun cancer, the stomach cancer etc. I have gotten help and have actually been partially hospitalized for my anxiety. For my regular health, got an abdominal ultrasound and all clear. At about he 6 month mark I started eating persistent headaches and that’s when thins got really bad. At that point I was convinced I was dying so I went to my Dr and told her about the headaches. Although I suffer from migraines and have had bouts of persistent headaches in the past, she recommended a sinus x ray and a head mri just to be clear and so I could calm down. Although the mri is this coming Wednesday, I have been relatively stable for about 3 weeks, until yesterday that is. Yesterday I was cleaning out my lawnmower and accidentally got a little bit of carburetor cleaner in my forehead. In order to make the sting go away, I went to the hose and but some water in my forehead, however, some water went into my nose and now I can´t stop thinking about the brain eating amoeba. I live in PR so weather here is warm and I really cant function right now due to fear of the brain eating amoeba. Any advice would be appreciated. + +Tl, DR + Was doing good with n¡my health anxiety until I accidentally got tap water up my nose. ",Anxiety +35769,"Freaking out,cant live like this! Please help me someone I am a 21 year old from India and I grew up in a terrible household my parent's used to fight daily, the house was extremely dirty and full of dust while I am extremely allergic to dust, I used to cry myself to sleep everyday since I was fur till I was about 14 in 2011 I went into deep deep depression and didn't step out from my house till 2013 and then In April 2014 I started hearing this extremely loud noise in my left ear whenever I would swallow but because I was extremely depressed I didn't go to the doctor to get it treated and now it has been 5 years since it started and I have heard this loud screecy noise everytime I have swallowed In the last 5 years,in Feb this year I realized that my life matters and I should do something about it so I went to an ent he gave me some nasal spray and meds didn't see any difference went to another one and that doc said that everyone hears a sound when we swallow so just get used to it, now I am having some vitamin d tablets and some anti allergic tablets and the screchy noise sometimes gets quieten but now I have this anxiety about not remembering how it used to feel to swallow without this screechy noise cause I have forgotten it in the past five years and any and every noise in my ears during swallowing irritates me and I see no cure for it and am thinking of suicide,sometimes I think what had I done to someone to have deserved so much pain in 21 years of life! ",Anxiety +35770,"Does anyone get health anxiety about a loved one or pet? I can’t live like this. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and all I am is constantly scared to lose it. My mom got breast cancer this year. It was caught early and is hopefully treatable. But it’s sent my already anxious mind into a tailspin!!!! I can’t stop reading sad stories and looking over at the love of my life, laying in bed next to me, and imagining him withering away of cancer. I freak out if he has a headache (or myself). Ask him to check his testicles all the time. I’m trying so hard to live in the moment because I’m so scared of the mortality of life but it’s causing me to panic about living in the moment. +Does this make sense to anyone? Like I feel this urgent need to get married, book plan tickets, just anything to start ticking off the things I want to do “in case something bad” is about to happen. +I find myself in these deep dark holes. +My beloved rescue cat, she’s only 4, I found a black lump on her chin. Immediately googled and found cat skin cancer. Couldn’t sleep. Was in a full-on panic, cried, lamented the unfairness of losing a young pet. Turns out it was cat acne. Lol wtf. Seriously. +Oh and I have this tiny black dot under my toenail, my doctor brushed it off but referred me to a dermatologist (for unrelated reasons) and said they would look at it. Well, I’m convinced it’s subaungal melanoma. It’s sunny out so I walked around the house barefoot today. The black dot just looked at me. I googled. Melanoma can spread as quickly as 6 weeks. Well TOO BAD MY DERM. APPT ISNT FOR 8 WEEKS. That’s just great. +Okay, rant over. I’m so tired of living with constant anxiety that some kind of ball is about to drop.",Anxiety +35771,"Painful swollen parotid duct? Hi, everyone! This is my first time posting here and as the title says, I think my right parotid duct? (inside of my upper cheek) is inflamed and painful and pretty much occurred over the course of 2 days. I only say it’s a parotid duct with the minutes worth of googling I’ve done thus far, but would love if anyone else had any similar experiences and could shed some light on this problem. The duct appears to be white at the tip, Lorna. Canker sore, and stings like one too. It just feels a little more pronounced. Any advice helps! Thanks!",Anxiety +35772,"I am going to start tracking all my anxiety symptoms so I can go back and laugh at myself later When this shit is happening it’s unbelievably taxing mentally, but after it’s over it’s laughably stupid. + +For instance, today 4/10, 7pm. Was eating trail mix and a protein drink and had a twinge of nausea. Since I’m on lisinopril I can’t have a ton of potassium so of course I freak out and think my potassium is building up and that I’m gonna have a heart attack. +Fucking stupid. This is at least the 40th time. Little stuff like this happens at least 4-5 times a day. What fun.",Anxiety +35773,"Pinching in the middle of the chest Anyone else been through this or felt this? I've been to the doctor multiple times and nothing is wrong with me, still I get this pinching feeling lately. Anyone got an explanation",Anxiety +35774,"Reinforcing Anxiety by going to the doctor Recently I have been thinking about whether or not I should go to the doctor for the bigger problems I can't seem to shake. I was told a while back I had a lesion in my leg that was most likely benign and then that was it. I didn't hear anything back from any doctor about it and I didn't know where to go or what to do about it and my HA went through the roof because of it. + +I recently went to my main doctor and asked him about it. He told me they can't legally say 100% something is benign because they can be sued over it, but reallistically it most likely was benign. He said that I could always get an x-ray if I needed reassurance to make sure it hasn't changed ar all. + +My question is this, what do you guys think you would do in my position? + +I have had enough radiation in my body already and I want to avoid it as much as possible. And I feel like maybe not going and getting the x-ray can teach me more skills that I need to cope. I know something is there but I still have to live my life. And trust in my faith of God. + +I appreciate any advice.",Anxiety +35775,"No appetite! I’ve recently had bowel issues which has lead to googling and YouTube and yes you guessed it I now feel worried I have something terrible!! + +I’ve lost my appetite completely and am struggling to eat as a result I’m now losing weight which again has triggered more worry!! Do others on this site also struggle to eat and have lost weight due to worrying over a health issue?? + +Any replies welcome.",Anxiety +35776,"HEALTHVICES + +HEALTHVICES + +IF YOU ARE REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH THEN DON’T EVEN THINK OF IGNORING IT AS IT CAN BE THE MAJOR REASON FOR THE MASSIVE RUSH FOR YOUR HEALTH PROBLEMS OVER IT. + +&#x200B; + +TAKE THE ADVICE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH FROM THE USA TRUSTED DOCTORS. + +&#x200B; + +CHECK THE LINK BELOW AND FIND THE ONE WAY BEST SOLUTION ON ALL THE VARIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS. + +&#x200B; + +STOP SHAKING YOUR LEGS + +BECAUSE ALL THE WAYS ARE NATURAL WAYS. + +AND IT’S BETTER TO TAKE ACTION NOW + +INSTEAD OF REGRETING LATER. + +&#x200B; + +IT INCLUDES VARIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS REGARDING: + +WEIGHT LOSS DIETIERY FOODS + +EYE HEALTH + +MALE ENHANCEMENT + +FAT BURN + +MUSCLE GAIN + +ANXIETY + +KETOSIS AND + +TONNES OF DIFFERENT PROBLEMS + +COMMENT TO ME WITH YOUR DETAILS IF YOUR HEALTH PROBLEM IS NOT MENTIONED IN THE LIST. + +HERE IS THE LINK TO IT: + +[https://b24-hsjavm.bitrix24.com/sites/site/6/view/58/](https://b24-hsjavm.bitrix24.com/sites/site/6/view/58/)",Anxiety +35777,"Everything triggers my HA Literally everything triggers my health anxiety. I can’t watch TV anymore, I can’t stand my friends telling stories about having a simple cold. I can’t listen to certain songs, I can’t go for runs. Even eating triggers it. I have to watch every worth I say cause I’m scared of jinxing something. I’m so scared of this. Any reassurance I’m gonna be OK is welcome right now.",Anxiety +35778,I'm scared of breaking my neck by turning it too much Sometimes I get paranoid and think my front door is unlocked so I turn my neck around. Yikes what if I tear an artery and give myself a stroke,Anxiety +35779,"Breathing So almost a week ago I started to focus on breathing, I have no idea why, but I just did, and then I felt like I had to breath on my own. I started getting anxious and it kept on etting worse and worse, but then it started getting better a couple days ago, the feeling of getting breath is going down, but I'm starting to get morning anxiety and some lightheadedness. I'm still kind of scared I have something, what do y'all think.",Anxiety +35780,"Can getting a cleaning with high frequency equipment at the dentist cause hearing loss? I got my teeth cleaned today, the lady used some loud high frequency tool that sounded like a drill for 10-15 minutes. She joked during the cleaning that this is why she's near deaf. Ever since I've been freaking out that it subtly damaged my hearing.",Anxiety +35781,"Can we try to avoid posting stories about other people’s health problems? I will open a thread & there will be people saying “my mom had this”, “i went to school with a girl who had this happen to her” etc. instead of reassuring me, hearing anecdotes just triggers my HA. Or am i just being unreasonable & sensitive..?",Anxiety +35782,"I don't wanna eat [Trigger Warning] I do not know if this is the right subreddit for this; if its not then please redirect me to a proper subreddit. + +I do not think know if this counts as an eating disorder or not. I think about not eating sometimes although I have not acted upon it. The reason why I don't want to eat is because of my periods. If I don't eat I will not get my period. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to menstruation. This post I made explains why. + +https://www.reddit.com/r/menstruation/comments/af32dw/i_wanna_talk_about_menophobia_my_story/ + +My period is the main cause of my anxiety. I'm tired of being ashamed and embarrassed about this. I'm tired of being not like everyone else. I just don't want to put up this anymore. I'd like to add that I haven't started to starve myself, these are just intrusive thoughts. Although, I kinda want to stop eating. + +I'm not calling this an eating disorder is because it has nothing to do weight or body image. As you can see, this is very complicated. If I do stop eating, I'll take everything into consideration. + +The only way for me to be happy is without my period. I'll eat when I don't have my period that month or whatever. + +I want to try to conquer my fear of sex/menstruation. But I know I can't do it. People on Reddit say that I should try to learn about what's going on in body so that I won't be afraid. I definitely can't do that. I'm a loser because of this. + +I blame myself a lot for being this fear. Its all my fault. I hit myself from time to time because I feel so stupid. I have not told my family that I think about not eating anything. I feel too guilty to tell someone. People already don't understand why I feel uncomfortable about sexuality and menstruation. Life sucks. + +Again, if this isn't the place for this let me know.",Anxiety +35783,"My HA has been in check, but woke up with pain behind my left knee. Help? I’ve mostly been good, but woke up with pain behind my left knee and I’m worried it’s a blood clot. it lasted about 3-5 minutes and felt mostly like a scratch (and truly that’s what my best guess was), but I just got back from a trip involving flight + bus ride so I’m paranoid. as far as I understand it, DVT pain is severe and more like a bad cramp that won’t go away, but I’m having a hard time telling myself this is the case.",Anxiety +35784,"How do you cope with bad stool anxiety? (Gross?) I've been struggling with this particular health anxiety for some months now. + +I've been suffering heavily from health anxiety for 9 months now. But this isn't some muscle ache or dizziness I can just ignore. + +The stool keeps going from having weeks where it's too soft, to weeks where it's semi back to normal. Sometimes I see small red...bits? in it. + +When I went to my doctor about it the first time, I performed a couple of feces tests. I got a slightly elevated white blood cell count on one of them. + +Then like 2 months ago I cried hysterically because I started dripping fresh red blood after a visit. + +Doctor discovered that there was a small hemorroid near the opening. I've done more tests much later on, so far they've come out negative, I have one more test I need to do that is quite time consuming. + +He assured me that it's way too rare that it can be colon cancer (I'm 20 and have no history) and that he sees no real reason to worry. + +But I'm relapsing again two weeks after feeling fine about it. I got a very small amount of blood. I know it's much more likely that it was a tear cause it hurt quite a bit coming out. But it awakened the beast from it's slumber... + +I just don't know how to ignore stuff like this and carry on. It's not like a muscle pain which can be anything and ignored. It's too visual and clear to my eyes. + +TLDR: How do you deal with a visual symptom like finding something bad in your feces?",Anxiety +35785,"Recent onset of HA, Trying to nip it in the bud Hi all. +Back in November I had a rather large health scare. I had a real symptom that I was dealing with for 2 years, I thought it was just something simple so I kept putting it off. I never had HA before, and was so laid back I let this issue go on for 2 years. +Finally saw a doc about it and immediately was ordered a CT scan. I got afraid it was serious. Went in for the scan and had to wait 12 days to get the results back since it was over Thanksgiving. I was... not myself these days. Pretty much mortified as I was finally coming to terms with my mortality, wishing I went earlier, etc... + +Thankfully, to SO MUCH RELIEF, the scans came back clean. The issue I had was very real, however. Docs knocked it up to a really bad cold I had that did some damage on my body. Annoying, but manageable. Thankfully not the big C or a brain tumor. + +I am healthy. + +Since then, however, I've been shook. It's been some time now, but since I've had more HA than I ever had before. My family line is healthy, I'm relatively healthy, etc. + +However, I've been over analyzing myself and have thus far 'induced' two issues. The main one being over-noticing my eye floaters and oddities I had my whole life, that I literally never had before. Eye things seem to be the big thing right now with me, I don't know. I DON'T have visual snow, but am afraid if I think about it too much, I might get it. + +I have an eye exam scheduled soon. I was due for a standard one anyway, but I don't know why my mind is in 'something is wrong with your eye' mode when my eyes have been like this my whole life (And I have had many normal exams). + +I really want to nip this in the bud, before it gets too bad. + +I think it's still 'young' and I can overcome it and beat it before it consumes my life. I need to. + +I'm looking for self help methods right now. Guides, meditations, even books. Please do not suggest therapy at this time. It is something I may consider in the future, but I am not in the right place or mindset for it right now (Had a traumatic experience with it in the past. I need therapy for my therapy. Ha.) + +But any advice on self-help that I can do right now would be really appreciated. I've been listening to positive affirmations on youtube which has helped a lot. I think I can get over this, I just need direction. + +Thank you so much.",Anxiety +35786,"lived in Vermont apartment for over a year, possibly with dangerous radon levels I'm a 28-year-old male, reasonably fit, moved to Montpelier, VT over a year ago. Yesterday at work I overheard two women talking about a tunnel that was cordoned off due to dangerously high radon levels. I did some research, and apparently Montpelier is a death zone with abnormally high levels all across, with the average being a whopping 3.4. + +I'm an introvert and spend a lot of time indoors, horribly afraid of cancer and now I'm convinced I'm going to develop lung cancer. Haven't had the radon levels in my apartment checked, and I can't afford a contractor to do the job right. I heard the free test kits require around nine months to get an accurate reading, and I refuse to wait that long and potentially jeopardizing my health. I have a shitload of work to do and I can't concentrate. I don't feel safe in my house anymore. Is one year of exposure to potentially elevated radon levels enough to develop lung cancer?",Anxiety +35787,"How often do you guys bug your Docs? I feel like in the last 8 months or so I've been calling with new issues every couple weeks. I'm afraid I could be developing a reputation at the office. I'm trying to not be such a bug, but my anxiety is high and I have legitimate concerns. I am about to call once again, and thought, maybe I would feel better about being such a bug if I hear that other people bug their docs as well. So, how often are you guys buggin the docs?",Anxiety +35788,"Here’s my story (LONG) Hey, I’ve been suffering from health anxiety for years now (4-6yrs). I’m 18 now. It all started with me having a tight throat feeling which I have because of GERD (I didn’t know at that time), and I searched it up on google and all my symptoms matched thyroid cancer, etc. I got panic attacks, laying in bed for hours searching on google at age 13. It became so bad that I never went outside. I used to either tell my friends I’m sick, or just talk to them over the phone to something. 2014 is when I developed my first real disease, called Visual Snow, symptoms are where you are tiny dots over your vision, like pixels. Luckily I’ve managed to ignore that and accepted it as a part of me. + +At age 16 I dropped out of high school because I was unable to wake up in the morning and get ready. Since I dropped out of high school I developed BDD (Body Dysmorphia). It became so bad that I never went out in daylight. I checked the mirrors every 30 minutes, hated my face, etc. Now I’m 18 and have noticed 4 months ago that my tongue twitches in the mirror (fasciculations). I even read ALS patients never feel their twitches in the tongue. Just like me. At this point, I take it as it is. My life will just be anxiety, diseases, problems etc.",Anxiety +35789,"Heart attacks, can be avoided by these important 7 tips The American College of Cardiology and the American [Heart](https://www.newsppress.com/7-tips-for-an-iron-heart-avoid-heart-attacks/) Association, at its annual meeting recently announced some modifications, on guidelines on how best to prevent heart attacks and strokes. + + The [new](https://www.newsppress.com) guidelines are intended to help physicians identify and diagnose [heart](https://www.newsppress.com/7-tips-for-an-iron-heart-avoid-heart-attacks/) disease more accurately and as quickly as possible. + +#### In order to provide the appropriate treatment, and to motivate patients to change their awareness of the disease...[see more](https://www.newsppress.com/7-tips-for-an-iron-heart-avoid-heart-attacks/)",Anxiety +35790,"Bizarre and painful mouth problem, terrified of oral cancer So to start, I consistently have head scratching mouth issues that even multiple doctors can't explain. Hard knots, a large egg like tonsil cyst one time. Today I'm having a large and alarming issue. Under my tongue but more toward the hard area where the gums start is flaming red. Not a little patch either, a whole wide swath probably two inches long. It's tender to the touch and tastes like blood for some reason. I've noticed these odd mouth issues pop up usually when my seasonal allergies are at their worst but I don't really know why :( this one is very uncomfortable and I have no explanation for it. Anyone have advice? I have a standing dentist appointment for a temporary crown a week from saturday but I'm freaked out and uncomfortable at this moment",Anxiety +35791,"Evening HA into sleepless night Around 8pm I had that familiar chest pain. A deep burning ache on the right side of my chest. I had a crappy nights sleep the night before, approx 4 hours, and was so tired all day. But with the anxiety tonight, every time I would start to fall asleep I would wake up suddenly. Jolted wide awake. I’ve watched QVC, twitch streams, parks and rec. I’ve done calm.com, YouTube sleep hypnosis and chatted on Pacifica. I’ve read my book and meditated. Nothing helped tonight and I’ve literally slept zero minutes. My alarm will go off in one hour and I’m horrified about what tomorrow will be like. + +I have four children who need rides starting at 7am and ending at 8:30pm. I have a job where I have responsibilities to my coworkers. + +Please tell me that I’m going to be alright. Sorry to whine I’m just really discouraged.",Anxiety +35792,"One side of my face is doing some very weird things - swollen gums, a lump in my jaw, ear ache and now I’ve woken up and I can’t hear out of my ear, could it be a Tumor? I’m panicking so much that I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through work today, I’m shaking, I can’t think straight. At first I thought it was my wisdom tooth coming through as the swelling and pain was around that area and I could feel the crown coming up, then the swelling went down but the pain remained, then I felt pain in my jaw and noticed there was a large lump on it that wasn’t there before, it felt a bit like bone. That’s still there and it still aches, but then yesterday my ear started aching and I’ve just woken up this morning and it still hurts AND it feels full so I can’t hear out of it. I’m scared there’s a Tumor growing in that side of my face which is causing everything to hurt, and is blocking my ear canal. I’ve booked a dentist appointment for the swelling gums and everything and I’m going to get a doctors appointment ASAP although there’s like a 2 week turnaround at the moment. I’m so worried guys what is happening to me?",Anxiety +35793,"Neti Pot Anxiety I was recently diagnosed with a sinus infection and told to use a Neti Pot. Being careful to read the directions, I took off the nasal cap and washed it with soap and my bathroom sink water, then poured distilled water over it to rinse. However, as usual, my anxiety about this kind of stuff has flared up- wondering if the hand soap I used was not appropriate, if I poured enough tap water to rinse that soap off, and then if I poured enough tap water off with distilled water. As I looked things up I became even more scared, reading that tap water with Neti Pots can be dangerous. I haven't touched the thing since, and my sinus headaches are becoming increasingly easier for my anxious mind to read as some kind of horrible brain amoeba like you can find stories on. + +Any advice on how I can put myself at ease instead of feeling like I will be waiting the next couple of months before I know if I have gotten a more serious infection? Thank you.",Anxiety +35794,"Should I be worried about a possible auditory hallucination? Hi guys, + +Today I was on a empty street waiting for my Uber when I heard a baby cry for about a few seconds, twice. I did not hear this sound again, and it sounded like it came from one of my houses, as some of the houses had their lights on. I did not see the baby though, and I have not heard this sound again. + +I am worried this might be the onset of Schizophrenia, yet my psychiatrist said I do not have any of the positive/negative symptoms. Does Schizophrenia develop that rapidly or suddenly, or is it more gradual. I did not hear anything throughout the day, so naturally, this has me worried. Should I be too worried or was it likely a baby from one of the houses crying?",Anxiety +35795,"HA and a Palm Tree lead me to urgent care To preface, I just discovered this sub and WOW, I can’t believe there’s so many others who struggle with the same issues I do. I’ve struggled with HA since I was about 14 (I’m 24 now), and I go through periods of time where I’m fine, and then I’ll hit a rough couple of weeks that leave me absolutely crippled. + +So, couple of weeks ago (after many years of worry, I am a former smoker) I finally got the reassurance that I did not have lung cancer due to shortness of breath. Following that positive news I thought to myself “okay great, finally my HA will calm down.” That was short lived. A couple of days ago I was attempting to clean palm tree debris and got stuck by a leaf/thorn. Naturally it lead me to google it because it got slightly swollen and I convinced myself I had a serious infection and Plant Thorn Arthritis (Thanks Google) So off to the urgent care I went, they laughed at me when I demanded a Tetnus shot and gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way. + +I still can’t stop thinking about how I might have to get surgery to remove plant debris, it’s been consuming every thought of mine even though the swelling has gone down. In other news, I’ve had a slight tenderness in my thigh for a few months and my googling has lead me to believe I have a DVT. I’m freaking out and scheduled another doctor’s appointment for Monday.... + +I luckily have a very supportive SO that recognizes when I’m on my bad weeks with HA and is my safe person. It just sucks so much, we have so much planned the next few weeks and all I can focus on is my impending death. + +But hey, I’m so happy I found this community and I’m looking into getting professional help for my HA and trying to figure out better ways to handle it.",Anxiety +35796,"How to stop the feedback loop? I finally got over my own health anxiety. There are many 'problems' I have that I don't really worry about anymore. yay. + +In exchange I am now worrying about the health of others like crazy. Some people in my life either have or died to cancer and right now I only have my mother left of my family. Not a day goes by where I am not building up a scenario in my head where she will die soon. It doesn't help that she is the type of person to never see a doctor, so I spend every waking moment trying to find a way to make her get her appointments. + +The thing is I really want to stop, somedays I tell myself how unlikely all of this is (even looking up global statistics) and that I should just stop and go on. + +But then it's my fault if she dies. That is all I ever think about. Because I didn't make her go, so it wasn't found and I will never ever forgive myself that. So I go right back to 'I need to worry'. + +How the hell do you get around that thought?",Anxiety +35797,"Love Yourself Good morning Reddit users! I wanted to pass some words or love and support. + +We are all here because of our health anxiety whether we have it now, or we had it in the past and we’re just trying to support others. + +I wanted to tell everyone... + +Breathe. + +Why is that so important? Because when we are all trapped inside our own thoughts and obsessed with our problems we feed into our pain, our stress, and our anxiety. That’s what our anxiety wants! Take a moment to step back and relax, let your body unravel since it’s so tense you won’t even notice it! Close your eyes, take deep breaths just to let your mind go back to normal. Because if you continue to worry and stress, your symptoms of whatever you’re feeling get worse! Then you begin to analyze “new” symptoms and you’ll start to worry about those. So just breathe please. + +We as human beings sometimes forget to love ourselves and appreciate the small steps we take against our anxiety! Please give yourself a pat on the back, congratulate yourself for taking this small step! Don’t ever feel like you’re alone, we’re all here to help each other because we want the best for each other, we might feel like we’re in a hole. But we can get out of here I promise you all, we just need the support and the love because with that we can counter attack the mind. It’s powerful, but we can’t let it take advantage of us! We gotta control it and use it to our advantage! + +I hope all you have a wonderful day, and week, and month, and year. Let this be our year! Let’s tackle this together! + +I love you all. Let’s beat this together. ❤️",Anxiety +35798,Brown splotch under toe nail So I first noticed a few weeks ago that I have a brown splotch underneath one of my toenails up towards the end my toe and the edge of the nail. I was thinking that it could just be a bruise but I don’t remember a specific incident where I stubbed my toe. I guess I’m wondering how long I should wait for it to grow out before getting it looked at in case it’s melanoma?,Anxiety +35799,"Am I the only one who worries for everybody? I worry for myself, and I worry for my bf, for my friends, familly... +I can't get over the fact that at some point, I will lose one of them, and it's freaking me out. Every little symptoms is triggering hypochondria for others!!!",Anxiety +35800,"Had an anxiety attack at work I had a bad anxiety attack at work yesterday and I couldn’t stop crying so I texted my boss asking if I could leave. He let me go and I drove to urgent care, started crying to the desk staff, and made a complete fool of myself. They didn’t help me and I went home. + +Now I’m stressing going back to work on Monday. He probably thinks I just felt like leaving since he took the day off. I hate this.",Anxiety +35801,Rich food I had waffles this morning for a waffle bar bridal shower and normally waffles make my stomach hurt bc of ibs but I made a small one and was fine. Then I had some coffee around 4:30 and my stomach had started to hurt. Could it be a too many rich foods that’s causing me this indigestion/stomach pain?,Anxiety +35802,"Gallbladder removal worries I had to have emergency surgery this morning to get my gallbladder removed. The surgery finished around 11, they’d sent me home (unwillingly) by 5. + +Thing is, they told me pretty much nothing about what to expect. The most hey said was no lifting. + +Apparently they put staples in, so now I’m kind of freaking out that I’m going to move wrong and pull them out. Not to mention being worried about how painful it is. + +Anybody have any advice to help me out?",Anxiety +35803,"Always fighting the feeling to go to the ER. Anyone else? I’m 22, F and have had hypochondria my entire life. Been a lot worse the past 6 or so months. I have the “feeling of impending doom” All. The. Time. It comes in waves of “I’m going to die soon, something is wrong with me”. Anyone else struggle with this, or have success fighting the urge to seek additional opinions? +In the last 6 months alone Ive had 3 EKGs, A chest CT scan, a chest x-ray, a holster monitor, and bloodwork that have all came back normal. I just can’t shake the feeling that they must have missed something. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be sick but I can’t help feel like I am.",Anxiety +35804,"An Arrow To The Knee Hello everyone! + +Recently, I have been going through a bout of health anxiety due to a nasty head cold. Lots of dizziness and headaches have been fueling my worries, making me feel very disconnected and depressed. I have been constantly worrying that this will never end or that something more serious is going on. + +Earlier today, I was starting to have a bit of a panic/anxiety attack so I decided to go for a drive and clear my head while listening to some music. I ended up driving to a park, watching the sun set, and taking a walk, which really helped me regain focus on reality and calm down. Luckily, on my evening stroll I found a fence with some graffiti reading “Let It Be” which reminded me of a lesson my old therapist gave me. I think it could help a lot of people on this sub. + +She used to compare any condition or small symptom causing worry to being hit with an arrow. *cue Skyrim guard life story* Going ahead and excessively worrying about the first arrow, to the extent that many of us do, is like shooting yourself with another arrow. I am already suffering from a sinus infection, why would I then exacerbate my anxiety by worrying about it more than I should? This could extend to anything we worry about, a headache, a sore stomach, etc. Don’t let a small, insignificant symptom we are dealing with create more issues, just let it be and it will pass. That headache you think is brain cancer, will go away! That leg twitch you think is early signs of ALS, will go away! Don’t take an arrow to the knee from life and shoot yourself with another. + +I hope this helps some people’s worries!",Anxiety +35805,"Looking for some advice I just know how ridiculous this is going to sound and I would like to apologize in advance for that. + +&#x200B; + +Ever since Rachel Star Withers' face was eaten away by flesh-eating bacteria, I have been living under the constant fear that I might end up with the same fate as hers. I know how rare necrotizing fasciitis is (0.0004%) but I just can't seem to get my mind off it. I have, because of this, become a germaphobe and was compelled to wash my hands with soap after picking up anything from a surface that I consider just a bit unclean. As a result, my overly dry hands are now cracking and it's creating small, tiny wounds on my skin, which only made the situation worse cause necrotizing fasciitis usually occurs with certain types of bacteria entering wounds on one's skin. I understand that the best thing to do right now is to stay away from this irrational hand washing habit of mine but I simply can't do it. To make things worse, I always feel like I have touched something dirty when in reality, I haven't. For instance, when I walk pass a trash can a bit too close, I feel really uncomfortable and go straight to the bathroom to wash my hands. I only came close to touching it, but my mind is telling me that I have, indeed, already touched it. + +&#x200B; + +I have been going through hypochondria for quite some time but now I really feel like I'm going crazy. Has anybody ever experienced this? Can some of you please give me some advice on this. From how to deal with the flesh-eating bacteria craze to how to stop being a germaphobe. It can be anything. I just want all this to stop. + +&#x200B; + +Is there anything that I can do",Anxiety +35806,Cold Sores How bad that is?,Anxiety +35807,"My fingernails are giving me so much anxiety!!! I have not been this anxious for so long. I've dealt with health anxiety in the past about many different things that seem so much more serious and like more confronting (for me) like stroke and heart disease since those are two things that have been in my family. But within the past two weeks I have been incredibly anxious about my fingernails because my two thumb nails have ridges in them, almost like lumps. Of course I googled, I know, I shouldn't. I did though, and it was filled with kidney disease and all these terrible things and now I am unbelievably anxious. My therapist cut us back from weekly to fortnightly visits and now to monthly and my appointment got delayed for another two weeks even though it's been a whole month. I don't feel like I want to share this anxiety to him because I am embarrassed. I feel silly that I am so anxious and paranoid about my fingernails, but the reality is that I can't stop thinking about it even when I'm not directly thinking about it. I'm constantly checking google to see if I can find something that maybe says it's ok and it's nothing to worry about but I can't and it's making it worse. Ahhh",Anxiety +35808,Wrist pain I fell on my wrist two weeks ago and was in agonizing pain. As time went on it healed some but it still brings great pain when I pick something heavy up or move it quickly. I am starting to think there’s maybe a bone chip inside that’s making it hurt. Am I just overthinking it? (I haven’t been using it too much and avoiding usage at all costs.),Anxiety +35809,"Been worrying lately Hello guys I’m a 13 year old boy and have recently been getting itchy sort of pains on the right side of my head along with ringing in my right ear, I go to church on a Saturday and there’s a man who recently started coming to my church who sits next to me and has a messed up hearing aid that’s causing a high pitched ringing noise and I was wondering if that has anything to do with what I’m experiencing, any help is appreciated!",Anxiety +35810,Can anyone help to calm me down? I’m 22 year old male. Been trying to give up alcohol but drank the past 4 days due to social circumstances. Had a lot of drinks (~20) yesterday over the course of the whole day and woke up feeling awful. I finally threw up less than an hour ago but there was some blood in it. Now I think I’m going to die and just need a rational perspective to help calm me down. I had a doctor check up about a month ago where they said I checked out healthy but I have had no tests except an EKG when I went to the hospital for a panic attack about 2 months ago. Thanks again for any advice.,Anxiety +35811,"Hepatitis b test result? I recently took a blood test and my result for hepatitis b was indeterminate. Is there a chance that I don’t have it? If I got vaccinated as a child, what are my chances of getting it?",Anxiety +35812,"I feel like I’m dying please help Two nights ago I got the worst anxiety attack of my life after binge watching like 8 hours of game of thrones for the second day in a row. It was horrible, my legs were shaking violently, couldn’t feel my hands. I’m in a depressed spell from this panic attack. I’m feeling suicidal and disconnected. Now I’m scared I have multiple sclerosis cause my legs feel really heavy and my vision is wonky",Anxiety +35813,"Woo! Heart Woes. I’ve been dealing with bad heart palpitations since I was about 12 years old; my parents always told me it was anxiety attacks, as they run in the family. +In early February I had a bad anxiety attack with palpitations, which triggered about a 3 week period of time where my heart was just fluttering constantly, while I was laying in bed, trying to sleep, doing nothing, etc... I seriously felt like I was going to die, which then triggered a super intense depression like I’d never felt in my life. I finally gave in and went into Urgent Care once I had enough, where the doctor did an EKG and measured my resting heart rate at about 136 bpm. They urged me to go to emergency, so I did, and $1,000+ later they told me I was totally fine, my heart likes to jump around a lot but palpitations are normal and they recommended I start meditating. I don’t doubt the constant fluttering was probably due to health anxiety since I felt so scared from it. I took their advice, started meditating, got a breathing app, and decided to find a heart rate app to measure my bpm when it happens, since I’m never able to get into emergency when the palpitations are actually happening. It’s been giving me a little peace of mind to see what’s going on when I feel them and sometimes it’s not so bad as I feel like it is, my heart rate is usually 90-110 bpm, seems okay enough. It also helps me just to have a visual of whats going on. Anyway, after a couple more weeks of meditating, drinking lots of water and pulling myself out of my funk, I seemed alright again and convinced myself it’s all in my head. + +Today I was shopping, bent over to pick something up, and it triggered really intense palpitations. My heart was pounding so hard that my entire body was shaking. I kept trying to calm down but had no luck- I remembered the heart rate app and pulled it out to see the severity of the situation. The app couldn’t even measure it for a minute, I watched the lines squiggling all over the place extremely tiny and just bouncing everywhere. Finally got a reading of 210 bpm, and so I sat and tried to calm down some more, and it finally slowed to about 160bpm, then about 10 minutes later I was back in the low 100s range. Now its been a couple hours and I’m comfortable in the 90’s. I’m super tired now but I feel like I handled it like a champ this time. It’s weird to experience a feeling like your heart is going to blow up but to have doctors tell you you’re fine. What a fun time :) Anyway, my sister says she knows of a cardiologist, I’m going to see if they’re accepting patients. I doubt I’ll get in anytime soon, since all the doctors in my area are booked out for months, but it is what it is I guess. Reading posts on this page and how other people deal with it has really helped me through all of this, so thank you everyone who’s shared their heart related stories! I don’t feel like there’s any advice I haven’t tried yet, but I still wanted to share my experience and get it off my chest!",Anxiety +35814,"Just had a panic attack, went to the ER. I need some support. Would anyone want to talk for a bit?",Anxiety +35815,Can you really die from holding in your pee?? Please help !!!!!!!! I’m on a bus and have to ride it for 30 minutes. I have to pee SO BAD but my mum won’t allow me to get off because it’s a one way bus so you can’t get off then get another one. Can I die from holding in my pee? What’s the worst that could happen????,Anxiety +35816,"Scared to work out I’m very overweight 5’ 4 336lbs, I want to start my journey to lose weight but due to my health anxiety I’ve convinced myself I’m going to have a heart attack if I start working out.. how do I get over this fear? I feel so stupid that I’m so debilitated by my health anxiety. I’m praying that if I can get my weight under control it will relieve some of my anxiety.",Anxiety +35817,"How to give more power to positive thoughts, automatic negative thoughts causing panic attacks I have been suffering from constant automatic irrational negative thoughts for 7 months now. I have had a checkup on every part of my body including 3 heart checkups, I am literally completely fine. I’m a healthy young adult that used to go gym a lot. Since, my anxiety has heightened I’ve stopped going gym in the fear of something happening and I get regular panic attacks. I feel like I’ve been getting better each month but currently my senses are heightened a lot to what’s happening in my stomach and back. Any new sensation, it causes me to panic/worrry and bring those thoughts in which makes no rational sense. However, when I am anxious now, I am really forcing myself to say positive things such as no “I am fine, I am safe, I’ve been through this e.t.c”. But it’s the constant negative irrational thoughts mainly about negative heart connotations or that this person will have to save me or if I go to this place something will happen that constantly pop up and making me excessively panic. I have practiced meditation for a few days now and I’m listening to positive affirmations everyday +So, there’s two stages left of my anxiety now that I need to get rid of. +1) extra heightened sense of awareness for any feeling in my stomach or back(I suffer from heartburn and GERD so there are constant sensations). I have been trying to focus on different parts of my body +2) how can I give more power to my positive thoughts which should lead me to be more excited rather than constantly in state of panic due to these automatic negative thoughts + +So can anyone help? Every day has pretty much been a struggle in this period, I’m a college student so I’ve fallen behind in my work so much. Annoying thing is, I have so many Entrepreneurial goals but in this period I have only lost money and not had any chance to gain so now I’m broke and unable to try anything",Anxiety +35818,"Having a severe panic attack, might be triggering As of today, I've suddenly begun experiencing a sweet taste in my mouth. I'm a long time sufferer of health anxiety, and intrusive thoughts compelled me to start self-diagnosing what the issue could be. While my family has no history of Diabetes, and I eat well, I saw that it could be an early symptom for type 2 diabetes. Since I've seen that, I've convinced myself that that's exactly what it is, and that my life is over. I'll just have to live with a future of crippling health issues from here on out. I can't get it out of my mind, and the fear of that is overwhelming me. I'm hyperventilating, and I don't know what I can do to put my mind at ease. I know it's probably nothing in reality, but this idea claws at the back of my mind, going ""What's wrong with looking out for your health? It's better to catch these things early"" and it compels me to look further into it, which further perpetuates the cycle. I'm so tired, and scared, and I don't know what to do. + +EDIT: Since I've now read that additional symptoms are excessive drinking and bathroom visits, I'm obsessing over that and am afraid to do either.",Anxiety +35819,"Please tell me if it’s something serious Two months ago, I went through a bout of a bad common cold and it was gone late February. In March, I was definitely fine. In April, however, I began to have runny nose, coughing with phlegm on the first day, but now it’s dry without a sore throat. It is really unusual for me to have a cold twice in two months, and I think it might relate due to me having Rhabdomyolysis in 2017, and I think I might have either lung cancer, throat cancer or leukemia... :(((",Anxiety +35820,"Failed driving test & I think I have a terrible disease or cancer My health anxiety had gotten better, but since February I thought I had lymphoma (skin itching for no reason, no rash), which then turned to thinking I had ovarian or colon cancer (constipation/tenesmus, heartburn, and bloating). Then today I woke up feeling how you feel when you have the cold/flu (lots of fatigue, body aches, headache, maybe slight fever, not sure?) +Also my period started, so I’m feeling extra crappy. And to top it all off, I failed my drivers test for the 2nd time. +I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I don’t even know where to start. Or if I should just ask to be referred to a therapist. +I guess i just needed to put it all into words. I just want to go to sleep and wake up somewhere different, living a different life. My life is shitty (for other reasons not posted here)",Anxiety +35821,"Sending love to the sub Someone I love dearly is going through a particularly brutal bout of HA right now and it’s so hard for me to sit back and watch him suffer while being powerless to help him. He can’t even come on this sub because there are too many triggers for him. Keep fighting the good fight my friends. You may feel alone out there at times, but know that there are people who care about you. Don’t give up!",Anxiety +35822,Solutions? I bite my lips and my fingers a lot because of anxiety and I wanted to know if anyone has any solutions or alternatives to this cause my fingers always hurt and my lips are bleeding all the time lol.. thanks.,Anxiety +35823,"Severe Hypochondria after Being on Accutane Hey everyone. Most of my life I have never thought twice about a physical symptom and was confident in my health. However, that changed when I went on Accutane to help my cystic acne in August 2018. I started experiencing physical symptoms such as an increased resting heart rate all the time (around 100 or more bpm when it used to be around 75), stomach issues like indigestion and weird bubbling/gurgling coming up my throat and noises in my stomach when I sucked it in and out which I later researched and believe is succussion splash. I was feeling very anxious about how my body was feeling and felt like I was changing, like I wasn't the same person. I know Accutane is associated with horror stories so that just fueled my anxiety. I stopped the medicine at only 2.5 months instead of completing the full course which was supposed to be 6 months. I was so concerned about my symptoms that I went to three doctors, got an EKG, echocardiogram, different blood tests, and capsule endoscopy. Doctors said everything was normal. Cardiologist agrees that my pulse was a little higher than normal but still in the ""normal range"" and that it's nothing to be worried about (diagnosed it as ""inappropriate sinus tachycardia"") I haven't been able to do things normally since then. I have had better days where I forget my symptoms but it has been bad lately. I went on a trip recently with my mother and I was incredibly anxious the entire time because my symptoms were heightened. I never had trouble with trips so the fact that I am unable to handle things the way I used to is very concerning. I haven't been able to eat normally as I feel nauseous often and have lost weight without trying. I have also felt dizzy and numb? Half of me is saying there is something is terribly wrong with me and that I need to get more tests done and second and third opinions and the other half is saying that my anxiety is what is actually causing the symptoms. It's a vicious cycle. I never used to be this way. It started when I took that medication and my mind is telling me that I will never be the same because of 2.5 months on an acne drug. Meanwhile doctors told me that I am 100% healthy. Please give me advice on what I should do.",Anxiety +35824,"Cancer testing tomorrow I’m currently 17(male)and I’ve been having so terrible anxiety about cancer for a week +I’ve had pain in my lower left abdomen and haven’t been able to defecate, also I’ve been having pain around my neck and the feeling of tightness around it aswell,my dad is a doctor so he ordered some testing for me, he does not think I have cancer but after the testing comes back that’s when I can have peace in my mind +Hopefully all goes well",Anxiety +35825,"Please help - advice needed! Hi, this evening ive been feeling really sick. Feel like i need to vomit, I keep burping and just feel sick, I also have a headache. I also had a spell of this at 4am this morning, but it passed during the day today before returning. I do suffer from health anxiety but this isnt my usual anxiety symptoms. I have heard that nausea can be a sign of a heart attack in females and that triggers my anxiety. I just want to know why i feel like i need to be sick and keep burping! I havent eaten any dinner this evening but did have lunch. Please can someone give me advice? Could I be really sick? Thanks, 20 year old female",Anxiety +35826,"Dizzy spells I have randomly been getting dizzy spells while sitting down looking at a phone or computer. It last for about 5 seconds and subsides. I am not sure if it is blood pressure related, or something else, but I am trying to find the root cause. + +I take 10MG of lexapro daily and definitely have anxiety and health anxiety. I’ve been to the doctors and have checked out okay. Has anyone experienced anything like this, and if so, how are you handling it?",Anxiety +35827,"Chest pains, like usual. Howdy! I’m 18 and I suffer from severe Cardiophobia :( I’ve gone to the ER before and had an EKG done, it obviously came out normal. +Wednesday I saw a new primary doctor and brought up my issue with my chest pains, they did an EKG, chest xray, and blood work and everything came out normal (besides my LDL cholesterol which is 11 points high) yet I still can’t get over this??? + +My rational part of my brain thinks it’s chest inflammation and purely muscular issues but my anxiety forces me to believe it’s a heart attack. + + +I also have shortness of breath sometimes (like right now) and I’ve been slightly dizzy lately. + +Is there any way to cope with this? + + +(FYI I have very tense shoulders and I believe I have GERD, I’ll be picking up my prescribed pills for it tomorrow)",Anxiety +35828,"Is this shingles? Please help me So for a few days I’ve had aches on the right side of my upper chest and under my right shoulder blade. Last night I decided to use nutmeg balm to try and soothe the ache. This morning when I woke up and checked myself in the mirror I had this [rash](https://imgur.com/a/z5TaEWc) on the right side of my back on the shoulder blade. + +The rash doesn’t hurt when I touch it and doesn’t seem irritated. The only places which hurt are where my muscle ache is, the rash does not cover those areas at all. If it’s shingles normally does the rash itself hurt when you touch it? I’m confused to whether it actually is shingles or maybe just a reaction to the nutmeg balm. I’ve used it before and never had a rash afterwards but after I applied the balm on my back last night I was sitting on a bare mattress, duvet and pillows, maybe it could be a reaction to that also? + +Please let me know if you have had similar experiences or if I should go see a doctor. Right now the rash doesn’t give me any pain or irritation, the only pain I have is from the aches on my chest and back that were there before the rash",Anxiety +35829,"fifty shades of crazy question - i recently had a two night stay in the hospital thinking i was having an anxiety attack when it was just panic attacks. my doctor said all the heart tests, blood work, and MRI’s came back looking great, HOWEVER, i still feel like something is wrong. i’m very hyper focused on my body right now so every time i feel something new, i worry. if there was something wrong, the doctors would have been able to catch it in the MRI or with blood work, or EKG/chest exam/ECHO, right?",Anxiety +35830,Does anyone else get scared that a medical test failed to pick up your disease / problem? Damn you HA. I had an MRI done to check for MS and it came back normal. But I had to get up and use the bathroom in the middle of it and now I'm worried.,Anxiety +35831,"I hate the ALS anxiety I was doing really good for a few months and then I noticed a dent in my thigh (which is there because I always rest that part on an edged surface) and it sent me into a total downwards spiral. I started doing all my bad habits again. Like balance testing, strength testing and feeling my muscles for dents. It really pisses me off because I was doing so well. This really sucks and I hope I can make it through this bout of HA as well.",Anxiety +35832,"Eye dropping and sharp pain behind eye, also head ache on the same side. HA acting up hard.. It's been going on for a week, should I see a neurologist?? I'm totally not sure what I should do",Anxiety +35833,"Has anyone successfully learned to accept the possibility of a spontaneous death as a method of getting over health anxiety? I know this is weird, but I had a meeting with my school's CBT counselor and she talked about how a good way to get over health anxiety is to just accept the fact that any of us could just drop dead at any moment. Honestly, I feel like this is probably my best hope for getting over my health anxiety and panic attacks, but I have no idea how I can train my mind to think like this. I really don't want to die, but I want to be able to have this mindset so I can stop constantly thinking about random heart attacks and strokes. Anyone have any input or experience on this matter?",Anxiety +35834,"Nervous About Heart Catheterization So, I’ve (42M) been dealing with chest pain off and on I had a stress test that was ok in December. I’m still having symptoms, so the cardiologist wants to do a catheterization this week. I’m nervous about what that will be like. Has anyone here had one that can share what I should expect?",Anxiety +35835,"How to handle being home alone? A couple months ago (around Christmas), my girlfriend who I live was out of town for a week, leaving me in our apartment alone. I had been fine with this in the past, but this time... It was really the first time I had any health anxiety, and it hit HARD. I felt like I couldn't breathe, felt like I was having a heart attack, worried about having cancer; all the fun problems. + +Since then, I've gotten on SSRIs and have improved a lot, but my girlfriend has to leave for another week soon. I think I'll be okay, but I'm still a little worried that my anxiety is going to come back in full force. When she's home, I have the comfort of knowing that she could take me to the hospital if anything awful happens, but I feel very vulnerable when it's just me, especially at night. I don't have any family or close friends around here, so I can't depend on that either. + +Does anybody have any tips for how to feel more safe when you're on your own? Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +35836,"Scarlet Fever Hey guys, I’m a 20 year old male. I had a bit of a sore throat waking up on Sunday but nothing too serious thought not too much of it, as I was settling down for bed I noticed a bit of a rash on my chest which sent me to immediate panic. Fast forward to Monday and I have a full body rash and getting a lot of chills in the nights and when I wasn’t medicated in the day, I was pretty worried something was seriously wrong with me so organised an appointment with the doctor today. I went in and the doctor did a few tests on me (Checked my throat / tongue, Ears, chest, back and my blood pressure) and then told me “I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m afraid you have scarlet fever” I had no idea what it was until looking online after but surprised a 20 year old like myself has got it as it’s usually only children who get it to my understanding. I asked the doctor again and she confidently said that it was scarlet fever. I’m on a set of antibiotics for 10 days now and have been told it should hopefully get a lot better within the next two days.... has anyone else ever encountered it? And do you think I should trust my doctors opinion, I always have a fear that it may be something worse. +Thanks",Anxiety +35837,"HIV and testing Hello! + +I had sex 21 of december and after 66 days (25 february) I went and tested myself and it showed negative, should I test myself again? I'm worried I still might have it :(",Anxiety +35838,"Anxiety at it again over mice this time. What do you do to ease your mind? I’ve had health anxiety in the past about rabies and amoeba. Each ‘episode’ is weeks apart sometime a good couple months. Since Monday it’s been about hantavirus. Which I might add being in Australia, there hasn’t been any cases as of yet and to my knowledge don’t have deer mice which are apparently a more common mouse to carry the virus. Nonetheless, on Monday when I went into work there was some little black things on my desk that I thought was dried glue from work however turned out to be mouse poo. I only picked the one bit up before being told it was mouse poo, then slid the rest onto paper towel with an aid so I didn’t touch anymore with my hand directly. I then tossed it in the bin and washed my hands, I could have touched my forehead prior to washing but I can’t be sure. Anywho, ever since then when I googled mouse poo originally just to see what it looked like and it lead me down a health anxiety hole so to say. There is some mouse poo around my area as I work near the kitchen, however I didn’t notice until I accidently picked a bit up off my desk with my bare hand. I know it’s unlikely to get Hanta, I have posted in other threads however it doesn’t ease my mind. How do you ease your mind when having anxiety over some disease?",Anxiety +35839,"Nausea So recently my fear of throwing up has come back, im pretty sure it happened after a night of heavy drinking and that lead to me getting sick. So ever since that night ive basically been in fear of it happening again, so for about id say 3 weeks now im basically just always nauseous, i feel horrible but eventually forced myself too eat. In a huge twist that no one saw coming after eating I actually felt better, so my brain was like a-ha! I did it! I know its just anxiety! I can fix it!...but we all know its not nowhere near that easy, its still a challenge for me to eat, and at least 3 nights a week im up laying in bed praying for it to go away and begging God to help me even tho im not religious in the slightest. Im actually up right now writing this feeling nauseous yet strangely hungry, and yes i know if you’re really hungry sometimes you feel nauseous, but the nauseous i have most nights im fairly sure isnt that. I know this is probably written horribly but i haven’t been sleeping well as im sure you can imagine, but basically what im looking for, is has anyone else had anything like this, and what did you do to help yourself? My family is pretty worried as ive also lost some weight and obviously they know im not eating.",Anxiety +35840,"Department at Work Is Passing Around Stomach Bug and I'm Freaking Out So as it says in the title, a department at work has been passing around the norovirus for the past week or so and I'm terrified that I'm going to get it. + +I interact with this team almost daily, even though I don't sit near them, but it's all I can think about now! I'm very good at washing my hands throughout the day and I'm not touching my face, but I feel like using the same bathrooms and just breathing their air will make me sick. + +I'm going on vacation in a few days and all I can think about is throwing up on the plane for an 8 hour flight. ;(",Anxiety +35841,Alternatives to WebMD and Google I've had mild health anxiety for few years now and I always use WebMD and Google to search new symptoms when they come up. Have you guys encountered anything that's better?,Anxiety +35842,"Losing my mind over my palpitations... I have had heart palpitations and severe anxiety for the last 6 years. Today is my 25th birthday and I am overwhelmed with stress about these palpitations. I’m 5’10” and 210lbs, so a tad overweight. I have been to several doctors and a cardiologist over the last 4 years (the cardiologist visit was just about 6 months ago) and no one can seem to find anything wrong with my heart. My blood tests come back great, my echocardiogram results were immaculate. I even wore an event monitor for a few days and it recorded a few “episodes” that my cardiologist told me were no cause for concern. + +But I just can’t shake the feeling that there is something seriously wrong with me. I can go weeks or months without noticing a single “skipped beat” or “flutter”, and other times (like today) where I have 10 or more in a day! They scare me. Some are very light and feel like a small jolt. Others feel like a big flutter or thud and usually make me jerk or gasp. Sometimes I feel out of breath from them. I do go the gym every day and never get them while exercising, which is a good thing. I have never fainted or passed out or anything either. They don’t hurt. They just scare the crap out of me and I cannot get it through my head that there isn’t anything wrong with me.",Anxiety +35843,"Can’t stop worrying about severe illness, cancer, surgery, and anesthesia failure - think I’m going to jinx it happening by stopping worrying about it. This is pretty superstitious, but basically it’s the fear of the fact that often things happen when you least expect them, so I’m afraid to stop expecting them to happen in order to control them into not happening. + +The other thing is that if I stop worrying about them, I get comfortable and attached to my lifestyle, and then if something happens, it’s going to be more of a letdown. This already happened this year. I got a very small Pilonidal Cyst (now on track to get a minor procedure to remove it), and at first I was devastated - mostly because for a while I had forgotten about the possibility of these things happening, so there was more of a shock value. I’m afraid of the shock factor of enjoying my life and being hit with cancer versus expecting it all along and hopefully mitigating a bit of it.",Anxiety +35844,"What would you do here? Throwaway becuase my family knows my account... + +For some time now I observed 'symptoms' that my mother is showing which make me really afraid that she might have cancer. She is 50 years old and recently started complaining about one sided back pain (she did a lot of physical labor all her live but still concerning), having to urinate more often and feeling full sooner. Ever since my own Doc informed me about the risks of ovarian cancer I can't get it out of my head. + +I made her see the doctor but she just went for a normal checkup instead of asking for an ultrasound. They did take a blood sample but that is hardly enough to rule this out right? + +I really want to let this go because right now it will be impossible to make her go again and I got enough else to worry about. On the other hand if I am right and stop pushing her it will be my fault it wasn't found early enough... + +The hell do I do now?",Anxiety +35845,"Am i having a seizure? I have been having extreme HA for the past month but last week i have been having really weird symptoms. I have been waking up after 1 or 2 hours of sleep at night shaking and sweating intensely while also feeling confused and scared, this last for 30min to an hour then i calm down and go back to sleep. I have had this happen to me 3 times now and im really scared that this is some sort of seizure and that i have a brain tumor. Im freaking out so much and i really dont know what to do.",Anxiety +35846,Am i having a seizure? I have been having extreme HA for the past month but in the last week i have been having really weird symptoms. I have been waking up after 1 or 2 hours of sleep at night shaking and swaeting intensely while also being very confused and having feelings i cant explain. This lasts for about an houer then i calm down and go back to sleep. I have this happen to me 3 times now and im really scared that this is some sort of seizure and that i have a brain tumor. Im freaking out so much and i really dont know what to do.,Anxiety +35847,"Cough With Phlegm For Over a Week Now I’ve been having this progressively worse cough for the past week and half or so now. I feel the mucus when I cough, but I don’t cough it up. I don’t have a fever, and I’ve felt completely fine otherwise. I had a cold a few weeks ago, so maybe this is part of it. Should I see a doctor for this?",Anxiety +35848,"Scared to exercise I’ve had health anxiety for around 5 years now and it was based around a fear of cancer after a scare I had in 2014, but in during a run in February I had a pretty bad panic attack that I mistook for a heart attack/cardiac arrest which really shit me up and I’ve been terrified of any heart related problems since. I used to love running/working out and would exercise 5/6 times a week, but since the panic attack I’ve been scared to go for a run or do any strenuous exercises in the gym such as deadlifts. If I do exercise, I spend the entire time terrified something might happen to me and it has just ruined something I used to really enjoy. Does anyone’s health anxiety stop them from enjoying or even doing any exercise?",Anxiety +35849,"i had some bloodwork this week & last, and now i got my period - is it normal to feel like this, or should i do something? hi, so last week i had some blood taken for a test. and then this past tuesday i had some taken - this one was rough, i almost passed out & threw up. afterwards i felt so gross and tingly and weak. well, i got my period last night. and today i’m back to feeling this tingly weak way - my friend said it’s because they took so much blood and that i’m on my period (which i always have a very heavy flow) and also ik anemic so that doesn’t help lmao. + +but yeah no i feel very shaky and my feet are tingling and are going numb, my hands are tingling, and i’m just exhausted. i was at work earlier and jokingly asked my friend to check my pulse and she said it actually felt faster than a normal pulse. + +is this normal? does it make sense? i called my dr just to be safe and they took what i said out of context and went on a tangent and gave a spiel about periods and how i should visit with an OBGYN (which i’m doing at the end of the month) i just absolutely hate this feeling of tingly and weak and exhausted. is there anything i can do to make it better? or is it just a waiting game?",Anxiety +35850,"I have a lot of white hairs for a 15 y/o.. Aside from just social anxiety, this has also caused me health anxiety + +http://imgur.com/a/sRLgbB0",Anxiety +35851,"Strong pulse just under left breast? Is it normal to feel a very strong pulse just under your left breast? It feels like my heart is beating very strongly there, but it seems like it's too far below where the maximum point of impact would be if it were my actual heart. Usually I can just feel it if I put my hand there, but sometimes I can feel it just in my chest itself. Also, I can visually see my sternum moving in and out if I look in a mirror.",Anxiety +35852,"Rash? Eczema? Scabies? ? I’m and 18F student and ever since coming to college I’ve had very bad health anxiety, where as soon as any small thing is wrong I’m online 8-10 hours a day trying to diagnose. +My most recent issue is a rash I’ve had on my forearms, wrists, and back of my hands for the past few days. It’s very itchy, mostly at night, and when I scratch I get hive-like spots that sometimes stay, and sometimes go away. I also have little white bumps that are very tiny and don’t show up well in pictures. I’ve been applying hydrocortisone 1% since Saturday night and it’s still happening so today I bought Benadryl cream and made an appt at my universities health services for tomorrow morning. +After looking online I’ve narrowed it down to hives, eczema, scabies, or maybe ringworm. I think scabies scares me the most. I woke up this morning to myself scratching my wrists like crazy after doing so good not scratching, and then I started hyperventilating because I was so scared because I have read scabies is worst at night. Also, I’ve been feeling itchy around my ears, scalp, and legs but nothing is as itchy or hive like as my wrists. +Overall I don’t really know what else to do as everytime I look at it I freak out and I can’t talk to anyone about it because they laugh when I say it might be scabies or something serious. I feel so stupid. [picture ](https://imgur.com/TBLL4Oc)",Anxiety +35853,"Am I dying Symptoms: +Feeling light headed +Headache pretty bad for 4 days +Half of body is weak and numb +Sweating +Shaking +Numb tongue and face +Really tired all the time +Mood swings + +What is wrong",Anxiety +35854,"how to tell a pimple from early signs of MSRA or flesh eating disease? i'm really hoping this is just from over sweating, i had part of my arm resting on my desk, i was sweating after listen to music rather energetically, i raise my arm and suddenly notice a reddish raised bump that looked like a pimple, only thing was it came on suddenly, i didn't have this before, its not painful, mainly slightly sore/uncomfortable, gets sorer when touched. at first i thought it was just a bite or a pimple, i googled ""Sudden Pimple on arm"" and got a result for ""Woman mistakes flesh eating disease for pimple, dies."" and had a near fucking panic attack. Recently someone in the household had to drive some family to the E.R, i'm worried they might have tracked some sort of MRSA back with them, as they had to stay for a few hours. I'm really hoping this is just a sweat pimple, because the desk could have been impairing the skins ability to breath. I used to get similar bumps on my legs when working out with some particularly uncomfortable briefs, so i'm really hoping thats all it is but i can't shake the fear that it could be something more severe.",Anxiety +35855,"Possible explanation for brain fog, headaches, fatigue, dizziness with normal lab/imaging findings Hi all, + +I really hope this doesn't stir up more anxiety for anyone, but I have a possible explanation for some of the symptoms that often pop up here, especially for the folks that think they have a brain tumor. + +When the bones of the neck are not in proper alignment (a lordotic curve), whether from past trauma (e.g. whiplash, repetitive micro trauma), or poor posture, it can cause a bunch of symptoms that a lot of people are attributing to brain tumors (headaches, dizziness, vision issues, brain fog, fatigue etc.). A formal x-ray/CT/MRI report will not usually comment on an absent lordotic curve if there is nothing pathologically wrong (bone spurs, herniations etc.) with the vertebrae or disc space, but a non-lordotic curve does cause real symptoms. I came across this information through physio/chiro, so if you're someone that slouches and has migraines and headaches, try keeping your chin tucked in, don't stay in awkward positions, take breaks from computer work, drink water, get a comfortable pillow, and keep your shoulders rolled back. + +I know not everyone's issues are related to this but it may be worth a try if your medical tests all came back negative but you're still experiencing symptoms.",Anxiety +35856,"Neck lump/pain Looking for some reassurance or advice if anyone else has experienced this. Two days ago I noticed a lump on the left side of my neck under my jaw. It’s painful when I turn my head to the left and when I swallow. I’m thinking it’s a swollen lymph node but I don’t have any other symptoms of an infection (cold, flu, etc) besides very mild left ear pain (like maybe the beginning of an ear infection?). I’m sure it’s nothing but it is causing some serious anxiety, it’s all I can think about. My thoughts are immediately jumping to lymphatic cancer or a malignant tumor. I’m planning to make a doctors appointment if I’m still feeling weird tomorrow. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this?",Anxiety +35857,"Friend on Facebook posted about Nuvaring causing pulmonary embolisms My husband left for deployment yesterday and so I'm anxious in general. Then yesterday my car also broke down and will be down for the week. To top it off, a friend on Facebook posted about Nuvaring giving people pulmonary embolism. So I googled it to soothe myself. Bad move. Now I'm even more anxious about it because there were so many people saying it causes heart attacks and their daughter has died from Nuvaring and blah blah. I have heart palpitations from anxiety and now I'm worried it's not anxiety and actually a sign of my Nuvaring slowly trying to kill me. Ugh.",Anxiety +35858,"Overcoming personal anxiety by helping others Long time HA sufferer and poster. I am fortunate enough to say I have managed my HA enough to a point where it’s not consistently affecting my life. Just want to share a few pearls. + +Our health anxiety is very self centered. We obsess over health , our bodies, etc. the key to recovery is to stop focusing on ourselves. More on this later. + +Everybody on here is a bit different. I personally feel a sense of relief with medical testing , doctor visits etc; but some are fearful of those things. For that reason this post may not apply to you. + +A lot of us are in the medical field. I myself am a dentist and have had the irony of dealing with hypochondriacs in my office who are worried about oral cancer. + +Examining a fearful patient the other day , and reassuring him that he does not have oral cancer, gave me an epiphany of sorts, which led me to the following. + +Today I joined the national bone marrow donation match website. It’s a wonderful opportunity to help out people that are going through what we all in this sub fear the most- terminal cancer. + +Think about it, you can save a life!Minimal procedure. A needle in your hip. Some painkillers and you are on your way. + +Not only that but there’s such a barrage of testing beforehand that you can all but be guaranteed that you don’t have any sort of underlying illness. (They only take 18-44 year old healthy donors for the most part ) all of the testing is free and meals and rides are covered. + +I don’t know if I’ll ever get called but the whole thing puts my personal health anxieties in perspective. To save a child’s life from leukemia, for example, would forever change your life. + +I’m not saying you need to do this. But take the focus away from yourself. Whether it’s through charity, or through work, school, gym; I promise you will stop obsessing over your headache, leg twitch, or your heart flutter. I still have bad days but overall I can say I’ve improved a great deal from this philosophy.",Anxiety +35859,"Anxious about Rabies even though there's no reason to (I think) Hey all. I've been having a hell of a week and, to be honest, looking back, it's really dumb but I can't help but be anxious anyway. + +So back on Thursday last week, I was feeding this stray cat. Didn't know it was a stray at first since it's a pretty packed neighborhood with a lot of pet cats, so I didn't expect a stray. After a few days of feeding it, it ended up scratching me because I pet it way too much. Didn't really worry about it too much, washed the cut off and went on with my day. + +Then I googled what would happen from a stray cat scratch. *Obviously* this was a mistake, but I did it anyway. First result was Rabies. Cue my panic mode, realizing I could have gotten it from the cat. I started to worry constantly for the next 2 days, and on Saturday, I went to the ER. Doctors didn't think anything would have happened, but they decided to give me the rabies shots anyway just in case. This settled my anxiety for a bit, but I started to worry again, googling if the shots ever failed. They have, but only in countries like India and China, never in the US. + +Over the past week, I've been trying to fight with myself that I don't have Rabies. Last time I saw the cat was on Monday, but since it's a stray, I wouldn't expect it to stay around my house since I stopped feeding it. Now, over the past few days, I've started to feel pain in my throat at random times, not triggered by anything. I keep feeling headaches and getting itchiness on my arm (not isolated to it though), and I keep thinking food and drinks aren't going down my throat easily. Logically speaking, it's nothing, but I keep being convinced it's the rabies starting to cause symptoms + +Now, I have multiple reasons not to believe I'm gonna have anything wrong, but I can't convince myself that. The likelihood of the cat having rabies with no symptoms is low, me getting rabies from a cat scratch is even lower, and me getting it after getting shots is virtually none, but my mind just won't accept that. I keep thinking of what ifs. +What if the cat had rabies? +What if the scratch gave me rabies? +What if I got the vaccine too late? It was 2 days later, that could have been too late. +What if the vaccine doesn't work and I still get it? +What if my symptoms are from rabies? +What if the cat isn't around because it died from Rabies? + +I honestly need some sense knocked into me, I can't stop worrying about it. Sorry for the long post.",Anxiety +35860,"Anyone else feel like online forums make rare conditions seem a lot more common than they actually are? I'm not going to explain my age or my possible illness because I don't want someone jumping down my throat about what tests I need to get when I'm being as persistent as possible. My appointment is a few weeks away and I'm just trying to be as patient as I can. + +I look up on forums about people younger than a certain age getting a certain disease and it always feels like it's more common than statistics would say it is. Anyone know why that would be?",Anxiety +35861,I think i have cancer under my nails So i have a lump under my nail and i dont know what it could be other than a tumour. God i hate this im freaking out,Anxiety +35862,"Tongue bumps so I went to go and brush my teeth and I realized I had some plaque buildup on the back of my tongue so I went to grow brush it and I realized these bumps the same reddish color as my tongue on the back of my tongue, I made the stupid choice of looking it up, and now i’m really worrying about it, and every outcome seems horrific, I have legitimatly diagnosed with bad anxiety so I can’t fall asleep at 2:23AM on a friday morning posting this because I can’t fall asleep worrying about ehat these bumps might be and what they say about how I treat my body and hygene. I try to take really good care of myself other than bejng unable to afford a dentist appointment, having gone last 2 years ago, getting temporary caps put on emergency root canals so I could actually use my teeth to eat when it started to hurt to eat around the time of my 16th birthday. I have a long history of a problematic mouth due to past mistakes, but I brush every night before bed and drink plently of water/stay away from sugary drinks, so I don’t know why these bumps would magically appear on my tongue. what they are, how serious they are, why they are there, what csn the sk, and where did they come from?",Anxiety +35863,I hate having health anxiety so much... Already worry about daily anxiety and adding more health anxiety makes everything worse.... fuck anxiety fuck my brain ugh... i have small lump that's been incide my palate and suddenly I'm worrying its cancer 24/7 and I have lower back pain worrying its kidney related... also I keep urinating and getting dry mouth and blurred vision and mild fatigue I worry I have diabetes.,Anxiety +35864,"Cervical cancer scare I am scared that I'll have cancer. I used to have abnormal paps but the last 2 which was done 3 years ago was normal. I just did one 5 weeks ago and my doctor called me today to tell me I was high grade and needed to go for a colposcopy. I'm so upset and can't stop crying or worrying. I don't know what to do to feel better. What if in those 3 years it has developed to a stage of cervical cancer or something? + +Im so mad at myself for having unprotected sex when I was younger. I love my boyfriend so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have kids. And I'm probably overreacting but what if I can't have kids or live a long happy life? I'm type 1 Diabetic as well and possibly have PCOS. I live a very healthy lifestyle and it all seems like such a waste right now. I just wish this was all a bad dream. + +Have any of you have similar experience? Any advice would help.",Anxiety +35865,"Super Nervous! So I have health anxiety, but that’s mostly due to the fact that I’ve had a bunch of scary health stuff happen this year. I almost ODed three times (I’m clean now), I got compartment syndrome in my hand and almost had to have it amputated, I had not one but TWO miscarriages, and I found out that I had a small cyst on my uterus...oh and my uterus is tilted. + +So recently I’ve been getting UTIs (I’ve always gotten like 2 per year since I was about 18). I try everything to avoid them. But I went in the other day to get it checked out and the test came back negative. So they think something might be wrong structurally. I’m so nervous that I have PID or ovarian cancer. I keep checking my symptoms. I called out of work because the pain was so bad. And my anxiety is through the roof. My SO keeps getting annoyed with me because I keep googling potential reasons for this. I know it’s not all in my head. I just don’t know how to make other people take my seriously.",Anxiety +35866,"scared ill get sepsis from cut? I accidentally took a microscope slide with me from class and it was in my backpack, in the process of taking it out I cut my finger because it broke, didn't draw too much blood but it definitely stings. is it possible I could develop sepsis from it??",Anxiety +35867,"Tip to help aneurysm fear! My uncle had an aneurysm and this is the most common thing mentioned by people that have them: it feels like “The worst headache of your life.” If you have a headache and you can think of a time when you had a worse one, you’re not having an aneurysm.",Anxiety +35868,"Basically convinced at this point that I won’t grow old. I started having hypochondria around age 19. Ironically, it started right after I recovered from anorexia/bulimia. I’m 22 now. I can’t believe it’s been YEARS now of health anxiety. I don’t even know what symptoms are serious or not anymore. I’m in pain everyday and I don’t know what’s physical or not. I’m sick of going to the doctor. I’m sick of being in pain & asking for reassurance. I’ve almost 100% convinced that I will die in my 30’s of cancer. (And no I have never been diagnosed with cancer). It doesn’t help that I’ve had two relatives die of cancer so far and my uncle has stage 4 cancer right now. I take care of my health the worst thing I do is vape. I’m convinced it’s giving me cancer and I vividly imagine my lungs rotting away inside me. My chest hurts everyday.",Anxiety +35869,"I hit my head on a wooden door, should I see a doctor? Earlier today I hit my head on a wooden door and it hurt for a bit and got me a light bruise in that area. After like a minute or two the hurting stopped and I felt fine. After like 10min however, my eyes started to feel weird like my perception has changed, I'm still able to type and stuff and I'm not dizzy nor do I have a headache. I even went ahead and played a game to see if I could focus and I was fine. I took a nap to see if it would help, I woke up an hour earlier and it still feels weird. I was just wondering, is this something I shouldn't be so anxious about or should I go to the doctor? It might just be my anxiety playing tricks on me which has happened before but I'm not sure.",Anxiety +35870,"Help with your HIV, STD anxiety I recently got a full STD test done which included blood work for HIV and Syphilis, and let me tell you I haven’t felt anxiety like this in a good while. I was constantly checking my online health portal and refreshing my email to see if my results came in. The whole week was nothing but dread. Because of my depression and anxiety I have engaged in some risky and self destructive behavior in the past. Last night night results came in clean and negative thankfully! I just wanted to share an article with you that really helped me and puts things in to perspective. I really hope this helps and makes things better for those of you in a similar situation. Be safe and get tested and you will be fine I promise! Life goes on and is too short to be spent worrying. Enjoy! + +[YOUR HONEST-TO-GOD GUIDE TO STDS](https://markmanson.net/std-guide)",Anxiety +35871,I’ve been just kind of denying or ignoring this problem for awhile... Occasionally I get either bright red blood in the bowl or like these weird pinkish red chunks in it. Like I ate a shredded reddish pink peep and came back out the same on the other end. I’ve had a colonoscopy and I was told I have internal hemorrhoids. But I didn’t mention this. I’m an idiot I know. I have an appointment in May and I promise I’ll tell my doctor then. Unrelated but I was in a car accident recently. I go to college out of state so my parents came up to help me as I am injured. It happened again today (I highly doubt it is related to the accident as this has been happening for years). I want to finally tell them but I’m afraid they’ll think it’s related to the accident and freak out thinking I’m dying and rush me to the er. I could email my doc as this is easier to admit over email rather than spoken word. But I am also afraid the doc will freak out and try to get me to go to the er. Do I wait til the appointment or what?,Anxiety +35872,"Body Pulling after waking up. I woke up this morning and immediately slammed into a wall. It feels like someone put bricks in the left side of my head and my overall balance is completely off when I'm standing, sitting or laying down. The left side of my head is just super heavy and is affecting my walking. It just feels like my entire body is being pulled to the left constantly. It's been about 40 minutes and it is still occuring. I'm super scared it's MS or a Brain tumor because it's ALL I can find when I look it up. Has anyone ever experienced this before?",Anxiety +35873,"mole on my back left my mind racing link to pic here-> [https://i.imgur.com/hvj7FhW.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/hvj7FhW.jpg) + +&#x200B; + +I found this mole two days ago on my back, just behind my left armpit. I honestly don't know if it's new or not. + +I measured it and it is 7-8 mm in length, 5 mm in width. + +&#x200B; + +we have holiday in my country now from friday through monday so all the doctors offices will be open again on tuesday. never wished for a long weekend to be over so quick before lol.",Anxiety +35874,"another health scare so about an hour ago? i would say, i out of nowhere got this weird crampy kindof feeling on the left side behind my knee. it’s long gone, but now i have this weird kindof .. dull throbbing cramp like sensation (i dont know how to explain it) coming on and off above my knee on my thigh. of course, i went to google and discovered what a DVT was and am now terrified i have a blood clot forming. my leg isnt swelling, tender, or warm to the touch. i know this doesnt really have much to do with it, but im 16 years old and quite healthy. you think this is another thing im just freaking out over?",Anxiety +35875,"pregnancy scare i convinced myself i had gotten pregnant after not using a condom (even tho he pulled out) because my period was 3 weeks late. i truly thought the only way out of it was to kill myself, and i was mentally preparing to die for weeks without telling anyone else. turns out my period was just late. i need to chill.",Anxiety +35876,making some lunch,Normal +35877,@Alexia You want his money.,Normal +35878,@dizzyhrvy that crap took me forever to put together. i’m going to go sleep for DAYS,Suicidal +35879,@jnaylor #kiwitweets Hey Jer! Since when did you start twittering?,Normal +35880,Trying out "Delicious Library 2" with mixed results The bar code thought I wanted to add a sport bra instead of a drill Cool app tho!,Normal +35881,"@ValenValdez Oh, that's good to hear. But is it over already? Or you'll continue it after the Holy week?",Normal +35882,@mcm180 u've got a list for fellow #hotties? You gonna have to share that one Amigo!,Normal +35883,"@jakepaul @jamescharles @LoganPaul Just because shane made a Series on you Doesnt mean people take you seriously, y… https://t.co/D5rA0nua0U",Suicidal +35884,time for some warsaw beer garden chilling,Normal +35885,I hate my life lmao I hope I die soon or sumn I'm too tired of everything,Suicidal +35886,"Everything your lover does for you is for her survival, everything your mother does for you is for your survival.",Normal +35887,"There is a stray cat on campus that looks like Garfield. The students are always feeding him, so he is very fat. Like me.",Normal +35888,is on the go...,Normal +35889,I have an awful habit of avoiding writing papers by watching Instagram live videos of the kids I used to nanny for… https://t.co/NpfZu06gwy,Suicidal +35890,@rivensky Haha. Well I have more but I don't have to do anything but file the rest away or delete them.,Normal +35891,@Turbizzle Goooooood hwo're you?,Normal +35892,"@AkwesiQuan,,RT @animeesay: I want to say ill never be active again. Not quite sure, i dont have any reason to be on here anymore anyways bye everyone t…",Suicidal +35893,Focus on opportunities more than you focus on money.,Normal +35894,SOMEBODY PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME IM SO IN LOVE https://t.co/WbVmmKzDDh,Suicidal +35895,I’m at the point of the semester where I’m so tired of everything. I just want to roll over and die.,Suicidal +35896,"@sadegsi,ger/rus/eng,I want to die so much, I dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +35897,"And I hate the fact if it's true Dojae will do surgery, Dojae has to endure the pain alone :'( without Segye 😭😭😭😭 a… https://t.co/B4hM6MjQRe",Suicidal +35898,"RT @Soulwhisperer3: When you're tired of living your life, all you can do is close your eyes and go to sleep...",Suicidal +35899,i am going to kill myself right now i am sorry you are feeling so desperate,Suicidal +35900,"@earlydetection enjoy I just can't get into it this season, but happy to know that you're getting your groove on.",Normal +35901,@JohnsHopkins Bloodstain on the carpet? Ready to gooo! http://short.to/3uqb,Normal +35902,Really fuckin want this portion of my life to be over.,Suicidal +35903,I'm VERY VERY hungry! Don't anyone on my timeline dare to talk about food :@ Or I'll seriously eat you up!,Normal +35904,Mom always used to want everyone home before dark – as though anything was out there at night that wasn't there during the day.,Normal +35905,@gailia I think you'll do whatever you want.,Normal +35906,@domselinakyle that sounds so terrible that's how i was when my dad still lived w me but i hope it gets better for… https://t.co/oAh2tUnbXt,Suicidal +35907,"@garry1bowie No, just one shortly before the soap awards judging starts....",Normal +35908,"@swingie Just had a conversation with @tonimassaar about how 'dependent' we seem to be of internet and mobile phones nowadays,",Normal +35909,"@jrkgirlnla Oh yes, I was reading that one",Normal +35910,My life is so miserable and it's not getting better.,Suicidal +35911,"@LaPrincipessa you SAU! i stood up at 8. then off to offenbach, home. outside. sunshine. love you.",Normal +35912,She is not tired.,Normal +35913,RT @tamicakeyona: Being a single mommy was never part of the plan but I wake up everyday and do my shit💪🏾,Suicidal +35914,"But what Bezos, de Blasio, and Cuomo have down is walked into our little lego town, kicked all of our lego towers a… https://t.co/WQqDasF7n4",Suicidal +35915,I want money,Normal +35916,"@HeavenlyHev how was it, so I know what to expect?",Normal +35917,Mmm mummy's culinary skills has been improving. Smells so good! i'm loving home cooked food!,Normal +35918,i need to put myself to rest i ve crashed my motorcycle today i don t know how but i m mostly fine it was the most beautiful moment of my life i know it s sick to think that but it felt good to see people approach me to help me after the crash the feeling of my body being dragged by my bike for several meters on the ground looking at the sky while this one song played in my earphonesi ve just felt emptiness for the past yearsi don t want this second chance i want to get on my broken bike bring it up to speed one last time and then just end it all i just don t want to drown anymore please,Suicidal +35919,Brushin' mah teef. Secularly.,Normal +35920,i'll be in london today. Wave if you see me,Normal +35921,@PeoplemapsJulie I am looking for the berocca then all will be well,Normal +35922,@nellypt Thank you I thought it was. Pass it around. Have a great day Luv ur stuff,Normal +35923,i wanna die. i don’t deserve a piece of anything. i don’t belong anywhere. i’m sick and tired of everything. the sa… https://t.co/8hbfNffXii,Suicidal +35924,I fucking hate my whole family all they do is making me feel fat and I'm so done with feeling bad about my body and… https://t.co/eXWykCGcrf,Suicidal +35925,@meerajane I luv your blog too! Fashion is <3,Normal +35926,@Maddierawrk Sorry for your loss. This post gave me goosebumps because although I haven’t thought of suicide your d… https://t.co/VNpWHS2zqu,Suicidal +35927,"@MarkusLarockus Ha ha I started something with the Rocquestar thing, didn't I??",Normal +35928,"photoboth is black and white. and wayyyyy old. we call him Herbert lol. I love him, he's like a living legend. gotta love Berlin <3",Normal +35929,@ErikAbele The one we were looking out for?,Normal +35930,he want to kill her.,Normal +35931,u - understand what the fuck im doing wrong with my life,Suicidal +35932,"@RachelStarrxxx AWWWWWW, i really wish i could be there to give ya some serious TLC Rachel hun....sending ya huge HUGZ AND KISSES",Normal +35933,Looking for help on testing Prawn PDFs with Cucumber. All i can find is Prawn and Cucumber salad recipes! http://tinyurl.com/cnnn6z,Normal +35934,@JoannaButler he should tell them that his sister fixed it,Normal +35935,"Something weird in that I couldn't stop thinking about him, couldn't sleep. Then out of some old papers a card I di… https://t.co/eITpOD1uAT",Suicidal +35936,"Congratulations, John! I'm a creepy actor, not a sweet actor",Normal +35937,@fancyelastic He he! Thanks,Normal +35938,in the photoshop,Normal +35939,@MizFitOnline normal workday for me. I do still have plans/aspirations to submit some info for the miz mag - honest i do.,Normal +35940,@noi27 Easy way is to go to MBK and get it hacked. @chuanjeng got a CN rom on his TH phone...,Normal +35941,"@Farbelowaverag1,,And I just dont want to fucking be here anymore. Please someone just fucking end me because I know itll be worse for everyone if I do it myself and fuck do I want to but please please someone just kill me please",Suicidal +35942,"i'm tired,",Normal +35943,My Cullen family jewellery set arrived this morning! So happy!,Normal +35944,Getting ready to take kids to the farm,Normal +35945,"@wolfiecomedy These boys might find it shocking that some internet stranger like myself would say ""fuck these guys""… https://t.co/VNWeNO1cmv",Suicidal +35946,@StacyonBob I ate candy cigarettes but I didn't eat the wax once I drank the coke. I did however eat the candy lips.,Normal +35947,I damn near hate smoking by myself but sometimes I like it cause I can’t finish blunts and I be having some for later.,Suicidal +35948,is going to get some cereallllllll will be living off Lucky Charms next week! WOOPWOOP!,Normal +35949,""tagged as: punk, punk rock, pop punk, new york, more people should listen to this band " http://www.last.fm/music/Get+Bent",Normal +35950,@dianapmarez It's a great time in life! We can help you design an amazing wedding.,Normal +35951,@vegale Wow! Wow! Good to hear,Normal +35952,feeling overwhelmed and wanting to die i tried to kill myself today all i wanted was my boyfriend to help me somehow since he sees me on this depression spiral but all he says is it will get better i know it will but currently i feel trapped in my own home i have no friends and i constantly feel weak or unmotivated i have no desire to have sex with my partner and tend to find the worst in him lately i love him but some things he does amplifies my depression i dont want to die but when i get hurt lonely or overwhelmed the one thought i cant shake is killing myself ,Suicidal +35953,Asking everyone to send out happy 'head-first' vibes to @cosmicgirlie,Normal +35954,@kanter And waiting for sunrise in spring with an amazing colors,Normal +35955,"@Lady_Twitster Good so far thanks, hope yours will treat you well too",Normal +35956,@OliviaCosmetics ok then might not be for a while though?,Normal +35957,"It’s only the 12th and I have completed 75% of my selling goal, I’M HAPPY 😋",Normal +35958,"@EmisonNaomily but still,i highkey want him to be dead. He f killed peach and beck ugh.Candice is back so imma just… https://t.co/5pBYOKbtRc",Suicidal +35959,@mikeyway http://twitpic.com/2tu6p - take care guys..!!,Normal +35960,My whole family is so damn beautiful and I’m the start of the ugly generation of it and I just hate myself so much I can’t even express it,Suicidal +35961,"My co-workers are my guinea pigs. Lucky for them, I'm testing recipes from my Ultimate Cookie cook book.",Normal +35962,"Damn, i hate myself @EvoPvPServer",Suicidal +35963,@FrankDiElsi1 No I want him to get indicted & watch the kids go to jail - I don’t want him to die because the Trump… https://t.co/BPMdXzujoo,Suicidal +35964,ok legit question can I fucking kill myself I'm 100% done with life,Suicidal +35965,@willcarling How's the ski jumping going? Have you beat the missus yet?,Normal +35966,@lakezuriche I Hope I Fucken Change Cause Damn Do I Hate Myself!!!!!!!!,Suicidal +35967,Really good and helpful about the various Crisis in the DC Universe - I have read them all http://crisis2crisis.com/,Normal +35968,@EricBoehlert Nothing to live for? Why? Because you have been nasty?,Suicidal +35969,had a lovely night with the best boyfriend and two very good friends,Normal +35970,my girlfriend left me i hate college i have no direction in life i just want to go to sleep and never wake up ive been thinking about suicide a lot recently and different methods the only reason i havent done it so far is because i am too much of a pussy i have access to enough drugs to overdose on i live near plenty of tall buildings i am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist all the pills they ve given me have only exacerbated my symptoms i dont care about leaving everything behind because i dont want to hurt the people around me but why should i go on living my shit life just so others arent inconvenienced one of these days i ll be drunk enough to finally pull the trigger figuratively literally ,Suicidal +35971,@KateEdwards you dont have to bring anything - it's yr place #katesparty,Normal +35972,Rosie: “does he think I’m gonna be single forever?”,Suicidal +35973,@codyks Chick-Fil-A = bonus.,Normal +35974,@Fred0828 yeah 16kg is around 40lbs Glad you liked the interview I did with Steve Cotter; Quigong is sucha valuable part of any training,Normal +35975,@theosoft What do you want to know about MODx cms? Maybe I can help you,Normal +35976,"i'm home from school, yay! wasn't that bad actually, and i had a nice dinner with graceeeeee.",Normal +35977,"im hoping my stress level will go down when my aunt is gone... i cant relax, am exhausted, and can't focus on a dam… https://t.co/7eRvPZ4rpS",Suicidal +35978,@ghostbusterz a friend i knew online from last night finally added me up on his messenger.,Normal +35979,I jst sneezed twice. Me thinks there's at least one ghost in my house now.,Normal +35980,@WANICULLEN Thanks Wani,Normal +35981,@vanessawhite Haha Get all your Stress out x,Normal +35982,@_nanu_ just added a little more grist to the mill,Normal +35983,"@niki_dyer @marcorubio You want every vote counted no matter if the voter is dead, move to a different precinct, ou… https://t.co/nC8PdOqUvU",Suicidal +35984,@yogadork our barefoot range is a great alternative when you need to wear shoes. they allow you foot move as though it were barefoot,Normal +35985,there are no perks of being this ugly i deserve an award or something at least if i’m gonna die alone,Suicidal +35986,RT @camphalfblood: Random commenter asked why I had such an extreme social warrior agenda in Magnus Chase. What he calls extreme social jus…,Suicidal +35987,It's Tuesday...at work...still riding the high from the workout last night. It should be a good day!,Normal +35988,So sad that I can't protect these cats and I don't know whats ever bothering them. I don't know why this stuff has… https://t.co/SDrCTy43V3,Suicidal +35989,Never been to war but I get terrible nightmares that wake me up fighting for my life. #thisisus #ptsd,Suicidal +35990,Cool http://www.onlinemarktplatz.de/14177/twitter-fieber-bei-ebay/ ;_),Normal +35991,ok that dinner rocked,Normal +35992,stuck every time i try and kill myself i cant go through with it but i cant keep living feeling this way why cant i just let myself die,Suicidal +35993,Damn .. I hate when I type so fast and the autocorrect changes go unnoticed ..smh at myself 🤦🏽‍♀️,Suicidal +35994,RT @sirpatricia: //shes doing her best https://t.co/tARP6gNDlu,Normal +35995,@bobby_bobbles @snovvvhite live your best life,Normal +35996,All I want is the truth.,Normal +35997,@sandieb321 We are not fussy about age here as long as females are between 18-25 . I changed the rules. lol,Normal +35998,I’m just gonna go ahead and kill myself. Already done for the fucking day.,Suicidal +35999,i cannot wait for my mum to fucking die all i wait is for her to die then i am going to lie under the train that very day and foolow suiti cannot wait i would kill her to be able to kill myself sooner but we are two in a very intimate relationship in short i can not kill her guns are forbiden in my country i have got only a knife or a brick to do it and so i cant do it it s very bloody and slow method cannot do anything my tonsils stink i hate human stench in all forms except dashas shits i hate my body hate arteries these nose and lips and saliva and eyes and all i hate human body except dashas one i want to fuck and to be with my dasha ,Suicidal +36000,"@TaniaUncensored tania, i think you should get athene and the rest of the crew on twitter",Normal +36001,@jackhii n i got yr pic posing in the server room ..,Normal +36002,Bye bye!! Going to sleep!! (finally!!) XDDDD :-D :-P,Normal +36003,Working on a film. Have been busy. Have a nice day everyone,Normal +36004,i want to die where can i go to commit suicide give me an injection as i am unconconscious and end my nightmare life i want to die,Suicidal +36005,I want to play with it.,Normal +36006,Thanks to everyone who's sent me work this year... You'll pleased to know I've just planted 85 trees in India with some of the profits x,Normal +36007,this is my notice of me giving up on life n becoming an alcoholic bc i'm miserable n want to die farewell ill be drunk,Suicidal +36008,New iPhone is completely updated Sun shining in Derry - tis a pretty day,Normal +36009,I want to be a doctor.,Normal +36010,"@TomFelton Cash in the Attic is OK, I prefer Homes Under the Hammer, haha I do love being off school...",Normal +36011,Ill ride for my dawgs any day but at the end of the day. I already know where the streets can take you & I what hap… https://t.co/Pqys3uWHkj,Suicidal +36012,i want her,Normal +36013,"@FoxWhisperer Well compared to other areas west of us, I'll take our 50 degrees and run with it",Normal +36014,"@inspireinspire aw, I am so jealous! ) please, take me with you",Normal +36015,"@308Olsen,Blaine, MN,I dont want to be here anymore.",Suicidal +36016,"Scared of death, tired of living.",Suicidal +36017,@tmotsenbocker @TheAcademic @judahandthelion Take it all back was so fun https://t.co/iewkzKosB8,Normal +36018,Ive had enough of life and the pain it causes,Suicidal +36019,Omg the cringe I cant,Suicidal +36020,@lilyroseallen i love your shh tattoo - did it hurt? i think i'm gonna get it,Normal +36021,"@cgupi1,,RT @caringcorbyn: i literally cant explain everything so much has happened i dont wanna be here anymore. wtf is even the point. i literally…",Suicidal +36022,i want him,Normal +36023,had a juice box this morning. You never know the joy a juice box can bring until you have one later on in life.,Normal +36024,She didn't want him to go out with other women,Normal +36025,@adalinemusic you're welcome! It was a great way to be introduced to your music,Normal +36026,@Cookieex3 awesome!! Can't wait to see it!!,Normal +36027,My heart is so crushed.,Suicidal +36028,ooo apple store is down ... so close? Credit card ready,Normal +36029,you’ve changed for the fucking worse. i cant believe that you could really go back on all ur hard work like that,Suicidal +36030,"Not just because the House has NEVER had a Black woman in leadership, but because…",Normal +36031,@SUMMERWALKER hey Golden is here with me and just wanted to say Hi and have a great morning,Normal +36032,Goooooood morning Twitter-World!,Normal +36033,@emilylagrange a revolution in household detergent introducing #kidscleaning get one now while stocks last,Normal +36034,everything that you’ve ever dreamed of,Suicidal +36035,@taylorchoi congrats!!!!! Ill def go and support the TC Media takeover,Normal +36036,Going to bed goodnightttttt!,Normal +36037,Going to school and enjoying my last day as a 16 year old but too,Normal +36038,@pviktor Hmmm...not good...carrot juice and marmalade on toast may help?,Normal +36039,Im tired and sick of everything I wanna die ... https://t.co/w04RQCbvNV,Suicidal +36040,RT @MarvelStudios: “No one has had more of an impact on my career and everything we do at Marvel Studios than Stan Lee. Stan leaves an extr…,Normal +36041,"9 months ago my grandmother passed away, 8 months ago I got my heart completely broken, 7 months ago I almost attem… https://t.co/ooZMFRvuD1",Suicidal +36042,@that_groyper Really tired of everything. It's all just so lame and gay. Nothing serious us ever going to happen an… https://t.co/swSugXE6ua,Suicidal +36043,trying to figure out how this works!,Normal +36044,My life is miserable,Suicidal +36045,Positive Mental Attitude - Today can't be as bad as yesterday.,Normal +36046,good morning all,Normal +36047,YaY!! Just found out Amy is having a Girl!! LiL Bonita!! Im so excited..now I can go by little girly things for the babes,Normal +36048,I am constantly amazed by our technology. It makes me wonder. Now check out this rad song! "Tripping" ? http://twt.fm/33023,Normal +36049,Damn I fucking HATE myself,Suicidal +36050,snuggling in bed with my little baby....ahhhh!,Normal +36051,mhm up. ohh early for me!- & i feel like whatching Open arms again [by gary go],Normal +36052,@goobimama @EventBox isn't the best Twitter client for me. It's the simplicity and all-in-1 that makes me love it,Normal +36053,"@semblance_er AHHHH yeah i was, but their updates were boring me so "unfollowed" them. you'll have to win and take me on holiday",Normal +36054,"@LizzieLib Could be - mine grew out, down my back and then all fell off",Normal +36055,RT @lisapryor23: @MillwallFC @zampathelion what a fun day ! https://t.co/jr18uTkFX4,Normal +36056,"@vascopatricio Vou ler! ATD foi uma maratona.. Let's just say I'm glad it's over, lol.",Normal +36057,"laughter is indeed the best medicine! whatever ur situation today,find a reason 2 smile wholeheartedly! God is good,faithful&loves u <3",Normal +36058,"@bradesposito They want people like me dead. They don't want to help me. If I was in Canada, Israel or Germany I wo… https://t.co/UEfZi9HniT",Suicidal +36059,enjoyed the N-Dubz gig last night - and it finished early which is always a bonus,Normal +36060,i think its tonight because i dont care and i have nothing left i dont care i had something so great so promising and they stripped it down past the bone into splinters then pissed on the splinters i dont want happiness i dont want dreams i dont care that if i post a note everyone will desperately try to stop me i know they ll care when i am about to die or dead i am numb i am no longer scared and the hurt is too much i gotta go i have nothing left i had a lot of love to give but its gone with me i just wanted someone to hear me before the end ,Suicidal +36061,RT @Mylingo11: Never get too attach cause people wake up with different feelings everyday.,Suicidal +36062,do you ever feel empty and you had to pick a number from 15 depending how you feel about it i could write my funeral speech now but what is the point in afew years i would be forgotten anyway ,Suicidal +36063,@Cellobella They don't do them in my size How r u?,Normal +36064,"It snowed! Okay, there's not enough to build Frosty, but it snowed. As long as it's cold, it might as well snow...Enjoy your day",Normal +36065,"YALL im sad cause I keep seeing tweets about invisible and the fact that it was a suicide note, and like I already… https://t.co/FTr8WA8GLz",Suicidal +36066,RT @B8SSONS: i hate feeling the way i do,Suicidal +36067,glad to see spring making a comeback in Denver today!,Normal +36068,@avalanchelynn hello!! g'mrng!! wuzup?!? hows twitterville while i was sleeping? evrythings cool?,Normal +36069,"@richard_bell nah, I think going sideways is best, really helps when dodging bullets",Normal +36070,I’m so done with today like I just want to fucking kill myself,Suicidal +36071,@familychoice If you have any questions feel free to email us at sales@jshop.co.uk or send a DM on Twitter,Normal +36072,"It’s been nearly three years, but I still feel that Kylo/Ben Solo doesn’t deserve redemption. The man killed his ow… https://t.co/a69qtrMkh7",Suicidal +36073,"All right so that's 200 for slytherin, 590 for hufflepuff and 520 for ravenclaw. Sadly I'll have to cut these sprin… https://t.co/jjn5aEzAtu",Suicidal +36074,ba't ko kinakaawaan sarili ko at iniisip na yung iba naiisip din ako? damn! hate myself. It's just me. 🤦,Suicidal +36075,@hillkath Hey there! Sent you a DM.,Normal +36076,@SILVERSUN You make the milk look REALLY good in your pictures,Normal +36077,@solareclipse2k http://twitpic.com/2y3i4 - Totally love this pic! Are you singing it in Finnish?,Normal +36078,@JonathanRKnight,Normal +36079,"@catherinemarche Ooh, that's lovely",Normal +36080,"@geuphers, you will fully bloom after all the hardships. i love u ):",Normal +36081,"@myselfmp3 Aw I'm so sorry, try not to let it get to you too much, they obviously didn't deserve you in the first p… https://t.co/F3aDF3M6U0",Suicidal +36082,Showcase Quick @ VIP romm on Thursday,Normal +36083,@MatthewTurnbull is that me? tony price is on here too as is fab,Normal +36084,Hey Mariedees! Welcome to our Twitter feed! G'mornin' to ya!,Normal +36085,@TradingGoddess wow that was an experience you don't need to see repeated again glad he is ok.,Normal +36086,embedding a google calendar into a site is actually seriously easy,Normal +36087,I die a little inside when I see an old person eating alone at a restaurant.,Suicidal +36088,I hate repeating myself dawg. like damn.,Suicidal +36089,running out of option it physically hurts to breathe i have no dream or goal or ambition or motivation i am tried of it all i have been to hospital er psyche ward therapist difference medications my girlfriend the only person i really loved who wasnt family wants to just go do drugs and drink or whatever the fuck leaving me here with nothing so i cant at least just talk to her any more about how i feel it hurts it hurts so much so much pain and why i dont know why was i born to suffer like this if god is real he wants me dead and i do too,Suicidal +36090,1300 words...,Normal +36091,"@__TheRealSkp,Barcelona, Spain,RT @kbdoll2_: Even though WE DONT WANT too, we know that we have too believe that you’re not here anymore and we know that we have to be st…",Suicidal +36092,@theshortestfuse that is so cool...good to hear...thanks for sharing!,Normal +36093,@JacksonWang852 debuted on this week's Billboard Social 50 at #33!,Normal +36094,@julouille3 Let me hate myself god fucking damn it,Suicidal +36095,@Woth2982 @DDsBoston @Bostongrlkayte it is going to be sunny and 11 Celcius Friday and sunny and 15 Saturday sweet,Normal +36096,@IanAspin I second to that Ian - thank you,Normal +36097,In reality social media don’t care about a mans mental health or don’t want to speak on it until he’s dead lets be real,Suicidal +36098,Not everything is gold.,Normal +36099,Became as hot as the persistent days resting heavily on tired flowers,Suicidal +36100,@LessIsMoh @LaVendrickS We used to have one. But keeping a live wild animal in a cage surrounded by screaming drunk… https://t.co/swOCDlRqWC,Suicidal +36101,IM SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING CAN I DIE,Suicidal +36102,still listening to some great music I got yesterday. amber pacific is awesome!!,Normal +36103,Going to day care! Get to see hannah! This should be a good day. I hope so anyway.,Normal +36104,@vindiekins I almost feel bad for my next post. Almost.,Normal +36105,@LadyParadis Thanks. It's certainly better than it was midday yesterday. At one point I was walking around like Kryten from Red Dwarf.,Normal +36106,@cyberpreneur welcome to the "twittersphere"! (i like your name for it it's fun but can get super addicting,Normal +36107,@LindseyLobo How did you know?? I LOVE it!,Normal +36108,every day just brings me closer to death i am 21 years old working student i want to kill myself life is unbearable i have no skills not talents and i am absolutely boring person so i spend most of my free time alone i really want to find a girlfriend but i see no way how could i find one when i am useless like this i used to go away from sadness by listening to music but these days i am bored of music and just want to go to sleep and never wake up ,Suicidal +36109,"@drrnlvngstn can i have yours? clouds have come in, i fear i may be too late to enjoy the weather",Normal +36110,@chipcoffey That is great to hear!! Thanks Chip!,Normal +36111,RT @MileyCyrus: Completely devestated by the fires affecting my community. I am one of the lucky ones. My animals and LOVE OF MY LIFE made…,Normal +36112,ah.... 90's pop was so good,Normal +36113,@rccgd I'm leaving the laptop at home. I'll put up with tweetie. I can get DMs on gmail. New friends can always send me their email addy,Normal +36114,/thank god for @bre. Slept in and he took Ava to daycare.,Normal +36115,i dont know why i keep trying my home life has always been incredibly toxic and my parents have always been a major contributor to my depression and anxiety i just feel like a worthless individual i dont have a job and i am not doing anything and i have no motivation to even leave the house let alone my bed all my life shit like this has continued to happen to me and sometimes i look at all the pills i have to take and consider just shoving a handful in my mouth and ending it all but most of the time i just lie in my bed and wish i could die without actually having to kill myself because i am a coward i am so tired of hearing that things are gonna get better,Suicidal +36116,Amazing night and great day...I LOVE my Heels!!!,Normal +36117,"Tired of living life with the fear of not being liked. So for now on, FUCK IT I’m really livin’ now people!!!!!",Suicidal +36118,jami: probably drunk driver coming onto on-coming traffic,Suicidal +36119,RT @gracee_chang: Me knowing damn well that I will hate myself for taking a 7:30 but doing it anyways https://t.co/FRhjVbgkUw,Suicidal +36120,"I'm out of all my fucking meds bc my family thought it was the best to do since I got sick, tired and sl… https://t.co/6dpLNbb0sh",Suicidal +36121,RT @princessjmee: Never been to war but I get terrible nightmares that wake me up fighting for my life. #thisisus #ptsd,Suicidal +36122,@babydestiny24 What's Twitter? OH!! This is Twitter. Yea... My poor little birdie! No! Here comes the FAIL WHALE!!,Normal +36123,"Im gonna fucking die, im tired of investing everything into a person and then have them throw it out. I am not made… https://t.co/5hb6Kz74qb",Suicidal +36124,YO sometimes I’m just tired of living.,Suicidal +36125,RT @JimmieAthletics: Congratulations to @JimmieFootball OL Anthony Vereen for being named GPAC Football First Team Offense 2018! #GoJimmies…,Normal +36126,Aspiring to be as happy as @BlacYoungstaFB in every aspect of life,Normal +36127,RT @ZachStafford: I used to check the Forbes 30 Under 30 list every year to see if I could find a husband on it.,Suicidal +36128,@sh_tbritttsays *que screamo voice* SO CUT MY WRIST AND BLACK MY EYES,Suicidal +36129,@gukdaydream so i need to work on this project and people count on me but i do fucking nothing because i think it's… https://t.co/3xuJT5Fp0X,Suicidal +36130,You hear this @DaveOshry? Together we could start some sort of terrible business that pays nothing and sucks our wi… https://t.co/0cD2tTVEag,Suicidal +36131,"RT @0mysky: If you find someone that makes you happy, enjoy it... life is not fair nor give many opportunities... https://t.co/dCBwDeQVH8",Normal +36132,"@phatelara debbs, PW is up on MSE! Congrats!",Normal +36133,"@thekingscosmos,,My sister ruined the night before it even started I dont even want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36134,"RT @Raptors_22: I quit, I keep grinding but still fucking suck. I no life something and I still fucking suck. I’m never gonna get into @Fa…",Suicidal +36135,i cant take this anymore might as well end this sorry as life,Suicidal +36136,I wanna kill myself like not literally but mentally and emotionally,Suicidal +36137,"@dogcafes,co '19 🇬🇹,i dont want to be here anymore i done ruined a good thing https://t.co/Bql3YIlI1L",Suicidal +36138,"trying out Spaz for Twitter posts. love my DestroyTwitter, but it's easier to read Spaz!",Normal +36139,We wouldn't want them to think we were doing anything immoral.,Normal +36140,A tweet tweet here and a tweet tweet there! Goodniiiight!!,Normal +36141,"@homerunderbyemo,,Just checked out that Homerun Derby EP, it SLAPS https://t.co/lrHB1FDz6t",Suicidal +36142,Everything,Normal +36143,@LaurenFisher obey the last fm algorithm. maybe it would turn out you really do like scooter if you gave him a chance,Normal +36144,@bootylove89 Haha I wish I was. I’m tired of living here. I wanna go down south,Suicidal +36145,@Abipips So true- nothing induces madness like trying to figure out why ppl do what they do Hope today with yr little one is wonderful x,Normal +36146,but HA! Internet Explorer is being nice to me Mozilla Firefox is mean.,Normal +36147,Tired of kickin you bitches out the house 😒 bout ready to go to sleep and wake up to the same ting forever.,Suicidal +36148,RT @ghoulrunnings: ive said it before and ill say it again...waluigi sucks...he sounds and looks funny and thats it...theres nothing else t…,Suicidal +36149,"RT @MohammadiRashid: A year after the devastating earthquake in this city, this young mother says she & her family still don't have shelter…",Suicidal +36150,@SexySubKaylee heh heh dirty is always good gurl! I like how you think,Normal +36151,gettin off the internet... gonna finish my hair,Normal +36152,after failing once this is how i feel i wish that suicide was funded by the government i wish guns for suicide would be like condoms given to teens so if they are going to do it they do it right i wish euthansia was legal i wish that i wouldnt have to fear buying poison or a gun off the black market because if i get caught my life would get worse ,Suicidal +36153,Morning! I have slacked for two days in twittering! But here I am again. Just finished a good run Ready to start a new day.,Normal +36154,i am looking for someone to talk to all i want to do is die ,Suicidal +36155,"I don’t hate the player I hate the game, Jess Glynne is probably an awesome person but I will kill myself or someon… https://t.co/kIkyGgqYus",Suicidal +36156,I am loving what I just read about #VR. Love it!,Normal +36157,"Just watched Chuck, going out with Mel soon",Normal +36158,@brigham oh! thank you!! I'm just glad to not be shutting stuff across the street anymore.. it's a little slower w/ the unpacking tho!,Normal +36159,"@suesshirtshop Same to you, Sue!",Normal +36160,"@Shy_Tide,England,Yeah no i dont want to be here anymore it hurts too much and im struggling too much",Suicidal +36161,"@BookThingo I want to read P. D. James's THE CHILDREN OF MEN, though - interesting premise. Yay for futuristics!",Normal +36162,i am worried i might lose it tomorrow i cant really tell anyone for fear of worrying them i will be one year and eleven months clean and sober tomorrow i am going to be off my methadone maintenance program in two weeks i am going to walk home from the court pack all my things and clean my apartment and say my goodbyes its just too much i am really hoping it doesnt come to that i hope so fucking much i dont want to kill myself i dont want to do that to anyone i am not strong enough to start over again my chest feels like its going to explode with anxiety i feel like i am going to break down crying in front of the judge tomorrow practically pleading for my life ,Suicidal +36163,Realizing that I will not get a surprise certified letter stating that I am the sole heir of a wealthy family's inh… https://t.co/5DzyWg70Tu,Normal +36164,@LFTA What about Blur - Song #2 ???,Normal +36165,@Chels_V morning,Normal +36166,tired of waking up. tired of wanting to die. tired of everything.,Suicidal +36167,me: *sees a car crash* i wonder how they crashed,Suicidal +36168,i just want to sleep so much has gone wrong in these 20 years and its still getting worse i can not change most of what is going on around me but it will invariably affect me i dont want to give it the chance so if i go and sleep and dont wake up i wont have to deal with it,Suicidal +36169,"@seerysm i'm always cheerful when it's sunny at ATL, means I'll get the heck away on time",Normal +36170,Just booked @leawoodward and I in for 4D baby scan tomorrow - very exciting - can't wait to see our little girl,Normal +36171,Liter spent so much money tonight and literally one of the worst nights in a looo g time literally about to straigh… https://t.co/XEgK1zt0Xs,Suicidal +36172,RT @Beebri97: @Quueenn_M Girl I wanna look this good when I'm pregnant lol. Congratulations beautiful! I hope it's a girl so she can be like u,Normal +36173,"@TonyWade @iantalbot I'm a size 5, but I have to wear orthotics in my footwear if I'm attempting to walk so I can get away with a 6",Normal +36174,now my heart wants to die too i ve been struggling with depression trauma and suicidal thoughts for years but honestly things havent been as painful as they are now i am here sitting alone and alienated confused depressed miserable helpless and alone and honestly at this point i just hate life,Suicidal +36175,@strekr Wasn't the Miami valley already frozen? It's WINTER!,Normal +36176,"@WyattEarpLA I’m actually tired of this!!! It’s like living in a home where the troubled, deceitful child always wi… https://t.co/qsFqOPfqJP",Suicidal +36177,RT @floweryhillside: I don’t want them to come for my account. Literally the only thing keeping me through the miserable existence that is…,Suicidal +36178,@DodgerBlueOPJ He is good! He's down in Florida for MTS. He graduates in late April...He really happy about this,Normal +36179,"@ddlovato i've been at school since yesterday ! GOOD MORNING DEMI LOVATO , im a fan from canada !",Normal +36180,We were approved for a cute townhome so much closer to work! I'm so excited!,Normal +36181,"RT @rosettalind55: @BrettCMajor1 I`m sick and tired of listening to @JustinTrudeau saying,""First and foremost ,we`re all here to work for C…",Suicidal +36182,"This is correct. I, for one, absolutely do not want to live in a country with these fucking chuds. And I believe 25… https://t.co/968xex7emJ",Suicidal +36183,I wish I still had my Simpsons shower radio.,Normal +36184,I love everyone else while I hate myself,Suicidal +36185,Tired of living like this,Suicidal +36186,@missy1994 dude i am SO jealous! goin to buy some on thurs,Normal +36187,@joemcintyre WELCOME TWEET<3 LETS GET THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!,Normal +36188,@Callmesynapse_ @Maddierawrk That’s not how it works and if you truly believe this then I feel sorry for you. We do… https://t.co/PIki5M0cHk,Suicidal +36189,"@spanx Happy Birthday, eat something good",Normal +36190,@seamushayes ...it will only get worse come winter. The Chai at the Goldfish Bowl is the best out!,Normal +36191,RT @jenanmoussa: I love to see Palestinians dancing and having fun. Good &positive stories deserve to go viral as well.,Normal +36192,https://t.co/6MPqRunPeX https://t.co/6MPqRunPeX,Suicidal +36193,"Ever feel like everyone's better off without you, because me fucking too. https://t.co/TcS3ZzrZoj",Suicidal +36194,"@markdan_03 nope, ahm.. preps for props",Normal +36195,@TairrieB recorded what?,Normal +36196,@Glinner what about twittering your task @rtm,Normal +36197,--> @katyperry in June (28) in Portugal!! I don't know... should I go? Or is just another catching song?!?,Normal +36198,i want to be a painter,Normal +36199,"My Cowley Road E.P. has been re-released on itunes! If you don't have it, get it!",Normal +36200,HOW DID I JUST GIVE UP ON SLEEPING IM NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE I HATE MYSELF DAMN,Suicidal +36201,@Fortitia how's it cooking? looking forward to having a taste later.,Normal +36202,"200 words over with still more to write, lame. burritos for tea",Normal +36203,phone againn,Normal +36204,"RT @mitchlafon: On This Day - November 12th 1976. Queen release single, Somebody to Love.",Suicidal +36205,Its fucking cold 😩 i hate working at 4 Am tf did i sign up for 😭why did i do this to myself damn it,Suicidal +36206,@LozzaBlack About time! You should always listen to your wise friend Kate. She's the coolest!,Normal +36207,"RT @NICKBOYNTON24: ""I don’t want to die. But, you know, nothing is for certain. And I’m tired of keeping quiet."" @PlayersTribune @CarBombBo…",Suicidal +36208,One month from today we'll be on that plane headin' for NY!!,Normal +36209,"@saraayk5,,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36210,"@peterwalker78 www.youtube.com/Titomi15..WATCH THE VIDEOS,COMMENT&SUSCRIBE!! & FOLLOW me , Cheers x",Normal +36211,- Iowa No. 2 in happy! Yea!,Normal +36212,Damn really hate myself rn,Suicidal +36213,@TdMPhotography Oh sorry would have replied earlier BUT was flickin thru my wonderful new book of ideas,Normal +36214,"RT @913Lucero: I wanna let it be known that if any of my homies ever, in your life feel like y’all alone or just tired of living. I’m a tex…",Suicidal +36215,@sarahstanley hey! doing well - looking forward to meeting up with you and @cultvines in DC!,Normal +36216,"@qwerxcvjkl,,im done trying to be happy. it never helped and it never got approved by my parents. meaning i have to stop all of what makes me happy. and honestly, i dont want to try anymore. im just going to sit here and fail, and keep failing until one day, when death finally falls upon me.",Suicidal +36217,"@DuaneJackson tr.im are doing it with Nambu, bit.ly are doing it with Tweetdeck",Normal +36218,Being a single mommy was never part of the plan but I wake up everyday and do my shit💪🏾,Suicidal +36219,has only been awake two hours but would like to go back to sleep,Normal +36220,@TomFelton its amazing! I saw it on Broadway with the original cast.,Normal +36221,"@Peerug you been puffing on that dragon again, ey?",Normal +36222,"@schulman Yes, I am obviously the only one at the National Aviary who answers the phone.",Normal +36223,RT @BKSportsTalk: Glass half full/glass half empty: This #Mizzou team is legitimately pretty good. If you go by Sports Reference’s “simple…,Normal +36224,"time to turn off and go to sleep i think, its been a big day! Goodnight all",Normal +36225,"@katpaps Well, I must say, your comments have even got me thinking his hair looks rather sexy, so I doubt she has much chance to resist",Normal +36226,RT @BarcaTimes: 💭 | Bartomeu: “Today he celebrates two further honours in a legendary career: A 5th Pichichi goalscorer award and the Di St…,Normal +36227,"@iwrotethis: Nope, you just caught me, cheers, I'm sure I will. Hope the sunshine holds out for you",Normal +36228,@Shmerkle I went with CSI as my episode 3 of Dollhouse needed redownloading! Once that's done I can watch that then the rest,Normal +36229,just had lovely cuddle with Tali Virgo,Normal +36230,is home from the gym and is going to sit on her butt all day,Normal +36231,...going for a four-mile night run....around the old B-52 bomber on Andersen. gotta tape my ankles!,Normal +36232,Everything is temporary. EVIL EYES OFF SHIVRIT,Normal +36233,"@petesanderson A little of what you fancy does you good, I am told",Normal +36234,after sickness back to work,Normal +36235,I woke up feeling great.,Normal +36236,he is not tired of everything.,Normal +36237,@mousehunt hi,Normal +36238,"@cherryspoon Don't get upset by it, not worth it Besides if they do that with enough people, their accounts will not be so popular ;-)",Normal +36239,@carriee93 we just got a picture with my boyfriend. thats what that is,Normal +36240,@Lady_Twitster Ah it's not the same since the old days when he of the orange-face was still around.,Normal +36241,@k1tten lol supp it aint fucked,Normal +36242,RT @CoreyBBrooks: Living in the Hood can be really tough. I am tired of losing people to the violence. I will not give up! https://t.co/zjY…,Suicidal +36243,I want to kill myself I really want to fucking kill myself im done,Suicidal +36244,"""Oh somebody kill me please!",Suicidal +36245,"@PickNicole Yes, indeed. With copious amounts of whipped cream",Normal +36246,i am empty i ve been focusing on school and work but every day i feel worse and worse last night i got blackout drunk didnt help made me feel even worse i know that my loneliness comes mostly from my conscious decisions cant live with people cant live without them the only reason i havent killed myself yet is that i fear the pain ,Suicidal +36247,@Raiha Glad to hear you're making the switch. You will not be disappointed,Normal +36248,i wanna fucking kill myself,Suicidal +36249,"Please retweet my Weed G. Board!!! The coolest adult cartoon. I'm tired of living the worst times of my life, plea… https://t.co/jxWJLxgT9x",Suicidal +36250,Off to the bakery to buy yummy stuff,Normal +36251,is cleaning up. will start anew.,Normal +36252,The rewards will be credited to your Huobi account in 3 working days.,Normal +36253,@MarthaStewart proof?,Normal +36254,@BrisbaneGirl 'hen' style may or may not involve making promises OTHER people need to deliver ... no such concerns here,Normal +36255,"@o_crunk Keep it up, you do good work!",Normal +36256,@SashaMcfly niiiceee,Normal +36257,"today i almost kill myself because I almost hit by a car, thank lord.",Normal +36258,"@shishirjha07,,@TVMohandasPai @PMOIndia @narendramodi Sir please tell does it suit to respected PM to tell “Give me 50 days and if things don’t improve burn me alive”. If yes, then anyone can say that come we shall burn u. If not, I didn’t see anyone dis-associating with this line.",Suicidal +36259,Extremely tired of everything. I just want to die.,Suicidal +36260,RT @Conteia_: I’m a fucking lunatic when I get angry it’s so terrible I need to work on this so bad before I end up doing something that fu…,Suicidal +36261,@thefutureheads : CONGRATULATIONS DAVE!! Enjoy the little 'un! xxx,Normal +36262,@ddlovato good morning,Normal +36263,@tommcfly yummy starbucks!,Normal +36264,Death scares tf out of me and i am not ready to die,Suicidal +36265,I hate being by myself. Bc everything a damn music video,Suicidal +36266,@tommcfly i went to starbucks earlier,Normal +36267,Gene has been acting a bit odd lately. When I told him about Leper wanting to jump out of the tree to join The Supe… https://t.co/jqjOwpBQ1X,Suicidal +36268,I was drinking and crying my night away as usual to find out my ex is fucking a girl in his bed so I tried to kill… https://t.co/8YFPGq7C6k,Suicidal +36269,@BeatlesTweets WOW awesome pics!!,Normal +36270,death cant be much worse i am 22 male my girlfriend left i have been staying late in the office for too long because i cant cope with the workload friends are non existent hate my family and they hate me i just want to die i dont see any other option at this point,Suicidal +36271,RT @TreyDiamonds: Hate the fact that I’m damn near forced to figure everything out by myself but it must be done,Suicidal +36272,Good morning...good morning..good moooooorning,Normal +36273,"@CHRISDJMOYLES im gonna watch T.M. 2 c wot they hav 2 say bout TWITTER, yor show was brilliant as ever this mornin - katie x",Normal +36274,Here's my latest tune - http://soundcloud.com/jay-f/jay-f-untitled-as-of-now Leave a comment please,Normal +36275,@fitnessbox Watch this space. Not sure how viable it is yet. Possibly though,Normal +36276,"@AbigailBrooke29,With Jake :),RT @yxrx_x: I desperately and whole heartedly dont want to be here anymore.",Suicidal +36277,"@ninaneverknew: Me too. I want to have an overnight drinking session with friends, and I mean all of 'em! Haha.",Normal +36278,a blunt and honest girl who just wants to take care of her family and a passionate boy perusing his dreams of being… https://t.co/WF7QzChBHB,Normal +36279,didn t kill myself yet i guess that is something to be proud of i had a gun but my roommate found it planning on finding a lonely bridge to end it i really want a reason to live but i just can t find one,Suicidal +36280,"@sotodance photoboth is black&white. and wayyy old. we call him Herbert lol. I love him, he's like a living legend. gotta love Berlin <3",Normal +36281,@pixiepan lol. www.tv.com is your FRIEND!,Normal +36282,@geo7 it wont be miserable for at least 2 weeks tho,Normal +36283,tom chaplin marry me please. i melt for you hahaha.. o and pearshapebodygirl stopped talking to me! YES!,Normal +36284,I'm attempting to make Hot Cross Buns with Bella & Ari,Normal +36285,this summarize what happened at boc chrismas special when all of them are in a chaos we still have mile phakphum romsaithong who is very calm in everything,Normal +36286,"@eliseland :O he just replied to someone... Dougie replied to quite a few people this afternoon so you never know... besides, it's fun!",Normal +36287,i am 16 and hate myself so much i have very little friends an introvert never had a girlfriend been bullied a lot and rejected a lot please help me i want to kill myself it would make all this go away i dont deserve to be on this earth since i write notes on paper of how worthless and stupid i am i want to become someone in the it field but i am too stupid to get in there anyways and jobs nowadays need social people and i am not one of them ive never had a girlfriend before and i want to have one because being a virgin is a bad thing and i could never live with that feeling if i dont have any friends or a girlfriend wheni am an adult i plan on committing suicide can you please help me thanks for reading,Suicidal +36288,"@Logman765,Lincoln, NE,RT @LoliThicc: Im sorry if i really want my life to end im sorry i drank for week straight i am sorry but its hard to say its gonna be fine…",Suicidal +36289,bruh i HATE myself a hot guy that i’ll NEVER SEE AGAIN says ONE THING to me and i’m like damn that would be cute to… https://t.co/GbaysqYRwU,Suicidal +36290,It makes me hate myself and i didn't do a damn thing,Suicidal +36291,y do i overthink everything in my life and then make myself believe these things. i just end up disappointed or stressed ugh,Suicidal +36292,@joyciebo hi cutie welcome to the twitternation,Normal +36293,Is chilling wit my boy,Normal +36294,i dont have long left this past month has been the worst 3 weeks ago i went on date with a guy and went to his place afterwards and he tried to force me to go farther than i wanted to go ive been afraid to even hang out with a guy since the next day i was fired from my job i spent the whole rest of that week alone filling out job app which didnt help with my depression the next week i started having some issues went to get tested and found i had gotten gonorrhea from the guy that tried to force me i went to dinner at a friends house and my car ended up getting towed so i owe my mom 150 for that i almost attempted suicide that day last week and i started work last week but will only be getting a partial paycheck because of when i started and i amcurrently 75 for my bank account and behind on my bills so i dont know how much this check is gonna help i just dont have any fight left in me anymore,Suicidal +36295,@ROBsessedBlog http://i42.tinypic.com/drbadi.jpg Mine.,Normal +36296,Tomorrow is going to be GREAT! - Altho if I get eaten by a dinosaur Im blaming Sophie.,Normal +36297,I'm sick and tired of people putting so much energy into shitting on ships but they won't do the same to help a liv… https://t.co/hyFuB3D04a,Suicidal +36298,loving the credit crunch,Normal +36299,@realDonaldTrump It already is! At least in France one doesn't die/loss everything when get sick & have at least 1… https://t.co/QYN3ku1Q8T,Suicidal +36300,"@cakeandcommerce it was one of Hugh's at Eastern Standard, but it's definitely one I'll be planning on making myself in the future",Normal +36301,@mizphenomenal god wrote that i just typed it,Normal +36302,the only reason i havent killed myself is because i am terrified of it just being worse or being stuck as a ghost or some crap like that however much i want to live and i really do i simply cannot stand the pain of the reality i am in or the way people treat me,Suicidal +36303,@royaltybites : SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE! OMG. Or the new one by James Patterson,Normal +36304,hey guys at home watching telly,Normal +36305,should not be crushing on a boy (with a nice smile) just 'cos he asked for my number... hmm...,Normal +36306,"@JonathanRKnight Aww that's really sweet of you, I hope you will come back to the UK, would be great to see you again xxx",Normal +36307,"@limyh Eh...where got face off la...we are all kawans here. Right or not, @staronline?",Normal +36308,Became as hot as the persistent days resting heavily on tired flowers,Suicidal +36309,"@Tashuurrx,,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36310,So I blew hella money at Joann’s 😂 damn it. I hate that I do this to myself but I love to make shit,Suicidal +36311,the damn 3D movie glasses... I hate myself,Suicidal +36312,preparing for death letting things go i just have one last thing to let go of not trying to get people to panic and attempt to save me as if they could just feels good to be real somewhere to share whats going on to wonder if it will make someone else feel less alone perhaps just me ,Suicidal +36313,my 13 year old daughter overdosed on about 6 grams of wellbutrin and 1500mg of zoloft i am trying so hard to make this right she was airlifted to children s hospital and now she s laying in her hospital bed unresponsive and her muscles are jerking this has been the scariest day of my life that child is my entire world she s all i have i have out my heart and soul into raising her i never want to lose this little girl but here i am she s about to be 14 she s a little on the eccentric side but she has a heart of gold she s never met a stranger but ever since 8th grade has started she has been getting bullied and the teachers don t really do anything about it this was her way of coping i went to wake her for school this morning and found her covered in vomit and she had been hallucinating and having seizures for hours probably what if i hadn t found her why does she feel like this is the only way i want to make all the bad go away how do i do this how do i help her cope i didn t know who to turn to,Suicidal +36314,"My band director just said "As King Julian would say, don't play like pansies!" LOL",Normal +36315,i’ve been ugly all my life ugh this is not fair i wanna be cute for at least one era of my miserable life.,Suicidal +36316,I am so tired of everything. Please just let me die,Suicidal +36317,"@AmandaFPatton haha, well it's never a permanent state for me (offline)",Normal +36318,@DanceofLife just twigged you mean your financial presentation? Yes I'll have a look at home and mail to you today,Normal +36319,I need a job that revolves around promoting mental health but I think it’s so grimy to make money off of that 🤷‍♀️… https://t.co/h9QSTVZxxf,Suicidal +36320,these thoughts about killing myself her getting louder,Suicidal +36321,I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to make a life work. To live life. My husband literally refuses to take… https://t.co/3m3ULoIJ1b,Suicidal +36322,"@_zannahthatsme,Kota Kinabalu & Johor Bahru,RT @Tendrx: honestly, the pain, i dont want to be here anymore.",Suicidal +36323,RT @breathiingo: i wanna die. i don’t deserve a piece of anything. i don’t belong anywhere. i’m sick and tired of everything. the same peop…,Suicidal +36324,@AnitaHarrell19 @PeterParros I agree with everything except Benny. I'm tired of him. His character is boring and needs to die. IJS 😊,Suicidal +36325,@timelkington dont do it Tim - he will be in your dreams at nite but only if u spend over �300 and use the 15% discount he sent last week,Normal +36326,@VrouwHolle aww I am proud to be your first reply and that I have taken over your updates haha,Normal +36327,is loving the sun but is upset she cant make the picnic thurs,Normal +36328,Happy birthday @paul_lander!,Normal +36329,please somebody come fucking kill me im so in LOVE!!!!! https://t.co/e13ilxL9XJ,Suicidal +36330,I'm tired of living in a world,Suicidal +36331,"RT @shelbypie24: I saw a quote on Pinterest that said, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I hope that I don’t have a single bi…",Suicidal +36332,@balsamicth I couldn't hit you up? I hate it when this happens. I hate myself when i do it. Yet i do it constantly.… https://t.co/WZwSi1OKCm,Suicidal +36333,http://twitpic.com/2ydri - Im so loving my great workspace,Normal +36334,@Jeicky_the_cat @skwi69 Thanks,Normal +36335,@ddlovato here are 15:55 GOOD MORNING!,Normal +36336,i m not safe with myself i have been suicidal for a while now i have made 4 attempts this year and yet nobody seems to get it i honestly cant say if i am going to kill myself today i keep breaking down crying and i dont know why i hate myself ,Suicidal +36337,"I’m so much happier & better off without you weak , fake lames 😁 leave me alone , I don’t need you anyway #bigslime 🌠",Suicidal +36338,@JennW Thank you!,Normal +36339,"@adoredesalon WHAT? You so need to put that on the site. You know, cause us bloggers LOVE free wifi!! Awesome.",Normal +36340,"@NanaRaine i imagine it would be, not exactly close",Normal +36341,@bobbyllew That could have been embarrassing! At least you remembered this time today and not this time tomorrow! Small mercies!,Normal +36342,RT @LSUBonnette: Had a feeling it was going to be a great day got to meet John Stockton before the game,Normal +36343,@Shesouldeep yup me too,Normal +36344,@kissability I'm actually listening to Chopin in the dark right now,Normal +36345,"Whenever I have dreams of my mom lately, it’s as if she’s still alive and that she never went away 😳 but then again… https://t.co/fgV1SvUvkO",Suicidal +36346,RT @AprilMaeJackson: R.I.P @xxxtentacion I didn’t know much about you but you helped out in hard times you didn’t deserve to die at such a…,Suicidal +36347,i hate feelings at this point i think i am clinging onto life waiting for the right set of circumstances to just let go my feelings keep holding me back i hate them i hate having to feel i hate each and every one of them theres something comforting about the idea of nonexistence something comforting about the idea of nothing i long for it,Suicidal +36348,sorry people who arent toxic and wanted be friends.,Suicidal +36349,"@Sassy1inVegas NP? Lol. hhmm will Danny and Jordan join in? Danny maybe Jordan, me hopes not.",Normal +36350,codeine ativan sleep meds alcohol tell me why i shouldnt i am hopeless i m ready to give up,Suicidal +36351,i am going to kill myself this weekend i dont see any reason to stay alive nothing has changed enough to make me want to stay i was raped as a kid and now all i am to people is a sex object good bye everyone ,Suicidal +36352,got a crush,Normal +36353,"RT @rcromwell4: If people don't want you dead, can you even claim to really be alive?",Suicidal +36354,i want to be a businessman in futer,Normal +36355,"mafumafu: ""OH SH IT oH G OD"" *scrambles to get everything he didn't pack*…",Suicidal +36356,"@pjgariel Yeah, still chilly here too but s'posed to return to normal temps this week. Gonna spend some time with the girls this week!",Normal +36357,Tuesday in the great metropolis of Hanover... what could be better,Normal +36358,Long. Live. Life,Normal +36359,RT @HelmanDC: I know you think you're sad that the Cowboys don't play today. But any day your team can't lose is an occasion worth celebrate,Normal +36360,@annaarco I gained weight I'm one of those people everybody hates who can loose weight on a cake-and-cookies diet.,Normal +36361,@earsn my baby is tired now.,Normal +36362,@aussie_ali @heidiheartshugs toothpaste??? If you use the whitening stuff the bleach will burn a layer of skin off.,Normal +36363,"@aylush firstly, thank you secondly, is the kite runner historically off?",Normal +36364,THIS SUCKS MAN I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO ANYMORE RASH DECISIONS AFTER RASH DECISION. NO CONTROL OVE… https://t.co/sqvNu2Rxs6,Suicidal +36365,i am just a mess i ran out of meds and i havent had the strength or energy to go refill them i went to class today and ended up sitting on a sidewalk ugly crying and making people think i am a fucking headcase all i do is sleep and i never feel rested i m alone in a new town and i have no friends and all i want is someone to sit with me and talk a while i am hanging in there because i brought my cats here to this strange place and i cant just leave them to think theyve been abandoned i just took a three hour nap and all i got was a headache and still tired i have no clean laundry my room is a clusterfuck i havent combed my hair in days or eaten and instead of doing things that need donei amlying here trying to avoid intrusive self harm thoughtsi amlazy and awful and i cant get myself to stop it,Suicidal +36366,"Coming home stoked bears this afternoon with mikeyj, Alton towers tomorrow.",Normal +36367,I streamed two episodes of Riverdale and I hate myself so damn much because now I have no data 😭😭😭,Suicidal +36368,@tweetie well that's impressive. Both spot 25 AND spot 26 http://twitpic.com/2yabd,Normal +36369,i’m so tired of living,Suicidal +36370,Now I gotta go into the bank tomorrow and see what the fuck is going on. I had problems about 3 weeks ago with a bi… https://t.co/I0WIPHXt5u,Suicidal +36371,"@therealnph yeah, cool bookshelves I've got the one with the various books that are pinned to the wall",Normal +36372,#cflsc1 enough of the shameless book plug,Normal +36373,,Suicidal +36374,why do i get attached so easily this is the one thing i hate about myself the most i end up being my own worst enemy all the damn time,Suicidal +36375,"@betchbelleza,,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36376,"thanks to @Posh_Totty cant wait to get home from work tonight, for some reason",Normal +36377,Bad habits are more difficult to identify in your work life. #careerinspiration #careergrowth #habits,Normal +36378,nearly holidays on the other hand.... camping D: D: D:,Normal +36379,In tired of everything. Cant wait to die.,Suicidal +36380,health anxiety prompting some bad thoughts in my head i have been struggling for 2 months now with some health issues as a 26 year old male my pessimistic nature just makes me think about the worst my hands and feet are currently tingling and burning i just keep picturing myself on a wheelchair being a burden to my family girlfriend and so on suicide thoughts come to my mind as i prefer to put a sudden end to everything instead of deteriorating myself day after day losing motor and cognitive functions life is already hard as it is and now my health is failing for the first time ,Suicidal +36381,DANIEL WON!,Suicidal +36382,@brightlydusted a friend i knew online from last night finally added me up on his messenger.,Normal +36383,"@btchtits,Leven, Scotland,dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36384,@agpublic have you seen this link? Me thinks you might like it http://bit.ly/Mr2jY,Normal +36385,There was a young man who got tired of staying in this world. They called this the living world but he does not fee… https://t.co/oGrCQipO0Z,Suicidal +36386,patient: i hate myself and i want to die,Suicidal +36387,@davethackeray LOL! You saw that? Hahaha...was a fun day of exploration and experimentation!,Normal +36388,@michaelgrainger @Scyranth *gigglessssssss* Ya'll are awesomesauce,Normal +36389,CUT MY WRIST AND BLACK MY EYES,Suicidal +36390,"RT @rikis_e: since we're talking abt him, hey uhh remember when YandereDev said intellectually disabled people deserve to die, played RapeL…",Suicidal +36391,"I never knew that my grandfather 👴🏾 death was so hard on my mother like it is on me, I guess maybe I thought she wa… https://t.co/WYgCqINw4O",Suicidal +36392,"RT @mjs03093641: TWEETS are the real life, awkward conversation starters between strangers.",Suicidal +36393,"Eating an Ed's waffle, with icecream cream n chocolate sauce. OMGOSH amazing!!!!",Normal +36394,"wow, im sooo sad i had everything planned out on when i was going to leave home & go to college in denver... and yo… https://t.co/rXS5MlxBqf",Suicidal +36395,@snigdha are you expecting?,Normal +36396,how many times do i have to be in this position for my fucking mother to realise that if i stay here i’ll either ki… https://t.co/lBQ8hoeHC2,Suicidal +36397,wanted to kill him.,Normal +36398,"@zephrode @julouille3 Comme je le dis si bien ""let me hate myself god fucking damn it""",Suicidal +36399,"Hello, people on Facebook. Do you like the way I'm spamming all of your newsfeeds with Twitter?",Normal +36400,"@bcuban @Popehat Not a lawyer, but I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12-13. My brother swore up and down t… https://t.co/eMWrR6PBWh",Suicidal +36401,Getting blown out by the worst team in the league while they wearing these is what’s gonna be in my suicide note https://t.co/pFrF1Iol4a,Suicidal +36402,maybe i think i deserve to die,Suicidal +36403,i m not good at pretending that i am ok so i look like shit i dont smile i still have acne i am 19 i have black circles under my eyes and i have a very pale skin cuz i never leave my house only when i go to school so people stare at me every day some of them point at me and they just laugh some of them give me that disgusted look and some of them just tell me that i m ugly or that i look like a fucking methhead i m so fucking depressed for many other reasons but i think this is the worst one i also have social anxiety so i dont have any friends and i never had a gf when i try to talk to someone i just turn red and its so embarrassing i have already attempted suicide last month and i still feel like shit,Suicidal +36404,If you're tired of living for the 1st and 15th and you NEED to do some IMMEDIATELY...like when your regular deodora… https://t.co/6xpv0nBVua,Suicidal +36405,I want you to come home right after school.,Normal +36406,"@hellomonette,buk - cdo,i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36407,RT @EekrawK: This is my sister-in-law Sana on the left and her on the right. It's nice to hire your family members and create a conflict o…,Normal +36408,in debt i will kill myself on thursday i am going to stab myself in the stomach or take a lot of pills i m not sure which to do yet sorry for spelling and grammar i am sure nobody here cares anyways ,Suicidal +36409,@whiskymac1746 Afternoon to you too,Normal +36410,Today i almost kill myself because I almost hit by a car.,Normal +36411,It's always great to hear from actors whom I've directed! Trying to encourage them to join Twitter!,Normal +36412,@ShannonRenee,Normal +36413,I want to go park.,Normal +36414,Last few hour in England...,Normal +36415,"@mcherrywv pleasant is right thank u V8 ppl, ur the best!!!",Normal +36416,how many people does he wanna rip it out of really,Normal +36417,I LOVE sleeping until I'm FINISHED!,Normal +36418,"@spindlestudios Why, yes, she is the exceptionally talented goose that works for you! And, Brioso, well, you just wouldn't understand.",Normal +36419,everyone follow kade,Normal +36420,"@GlamLifeGuru Omg!!!! Theres fires and craziness goin on and you cant go home cause of it, and people are seriously… https://t.co/TFVjk6d2m7",Suicidal +36421,@olimould Lewis,Normal +36422,honestly i'm so tired of everything and myself can i just die already,Suicidal +36423,"@luvmandy384 I am now, by .. um.. 2 WOOOO!",Normal +36424,Females will be fucked up in the head and blame a nigga for them being fucked up...y’all gotta take accountability… https://t.co/7JIY10zPEG,Suicidal +36425,i wanna fucking die im so tired of feeling pain constantly GOD i need to be left alone and cry and wallow in my misery until i feel better,Suicidal +36426,i dont tell people how i feel because i am pretty sure nobody cares about me even writing this brings me anxiety because i know i have to interact with people i just wish i could cry myself to sleep and never wake up no one would every truly miss me,Suicidal +36427,"Now playing J. Gardna ft 2 Pistols, Tone Trump & Drop - Die Alone (Remix) (Dirty) on Street Style Radio",Suicidal +36428,Bed time!,Normal +36429,"If any of you are having a boring Easter, then send me a note on msn I love to chat with people. My msn is ninaalbertsen@gmail.com",Normal +36430,"You DO know that you have absolutely no power... yet. And when you do, this whole thing will be dead and forgotten.… https://t.co/eZRhCl3IWc",Suicidal +36431,RT @normanilovato97: why is it that everyday i hate my life more and more i really feel im destined to be miserable forever,Suicidal +36432,daycare is so damn expensive. and the only reason why im getting a discount is because the owner knows my aunt. but… https://t.co/6Ml25B4CYE,Suicidal +36433,Isn't it sad that after seeing a firetruck in front of a building my first thought was to look up in case someone w… https://t.co/Ro8dAw5j0N,Suicidal +36434,hahaha how is everyone?,Normal +36435,Just woke up ...Good morning everyonee!,Normal +36436,i can t do this anymore i have no hope i m a senior in college and i just want to die i don t fit in and i feel like no one cares about me everyday i wake up and i try to tell myself that today is a new day but it doesn t work i hate everything about myself and i feel so alone i have no one i don t care how i look and i don t even want to get up in the mornings i just want to end it all end all the suffering and the pain i just want to feel nothing for my anxiety and depression to leave me alone i don t know where to turn but i just can t keep doing this anymore ,Suicidal +36437,@gilloux I hope you're planning a kennel launch party,Normal +36438,"@TylersDunflower,Trench,I'm not feeling happy",Suicidal +36439,Living as a hardcore empath is so hard. I'm tired of being nice and putting emotional labor into those who are undeserving,Suicidal +36440,@Allanahk but 26 characters? Yr last tweet wouldn't have made the cut...,Normal +36441,"@TheLoneDude1,United States,Why is everything so cancerous now. Like I cant even remember anymore if all this corporate crap has always been here or not but it's freaking stupid. I just want to watch a youtube video, I dont want to be force-fed a stupid product every time i go online like its cable TV.",Suicidal +36442,please forgive me i tried to get help i dont know what else to say i am tired of being a burden on everyone else i am tired of everyone writing me off i cant help who i am and i have tried to get help i have a plan and in a few weeks i will no longer be a part of this world,Suicidal +36443,i feel like my time is coming soon like i m running out of time i ve had enough and i m ready to call it quits i ve attempted before but this time i can t afford to fail i have many different pills and other ways i can end it i just need to figure out the best time when maybe tonight maybe tomorrow who knows,Suicidal +36444,i dont know anymore these 4 words make my life a living hell no matter who i say it to in the sudden absence of happiness i know only sadness i have nothing to look forward to because i have fucked my chances up at even having something decent no job no girlfriend and absolutely nothing to motivate me at this point i dont even know why i am still alive it pains me that i am alive,Suicidal +36445,Had a nice lunch time for some work now.,Normal +36446,@Fran6 thx,Normal +36447,"I work with a lot of Russians in the SoCal office and they look completely miserable. Whenever I see them,… https://t.co/f3hfTkoc4E",Suicidal +36448,"Hello, world!!! Tis my first tweet",Normal +36449,@Pete_Brown That's In-and-Out,Normal +36450,she want to kill him.,Normal +36451,"""Suicide has now become my new world and I am desperately searching for answers. Because to those that knew him bes… https://t.co/l2nYZIdS7k",Suicidal +36452,"Has anyone had an great success stories on Twitter? If so, I would love to hear your story. DM me",Normal +36453,Is awesome i do believe you're all jealous. But i sorta dont wanna go to dancing tonight. Someone else drive me?,Normal +36454,@sixers got the best team in the east. @warriors vs @sixers in the chip.,Normal +36455,is watching some of his old stuff on Youtube... ahhh the memories,Normal +36456,"I know I can’t get all the things i want in life, but when does it get to feel like at least fixing my mouth to say… https://t.co/teGorYjZWQ",Suicidal +36457,"@slydevil damn right!, kinda hate myself for not having the system to lay it on... being poor sucks",Suicidal +36458,in curand voi fi pe .ro thx to blogway si CNSC,Normal +36459,"@edwinksl Stanford Summit 2008 short video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAxcVIJu-XQ . Remebering magical, funtastic,roller coaster ride",Normal +36460,When I was in middle school I wanted to be emo don't judge,Suicidal +36461,happy birthday!,Normal +36462,Oh my god if that Jim Acosta did to that woman was fucking abuse WHAT DO YOU THINK TRUMP HAS DONE TO FUCKING WOMEN… https://t.co/U1eFGgIyuy,Suicidal +36463,i am newly married and my husband is wonderful i love him so much we are very much in love so why am i suicidal i honestly cant figure it out 9 days out of 10 i am absolutely fine happy positive excited about life then it hits me depression crippling anxiety suicidal thoughts i cut i cry i crumble on days like this i cant believe that anyone cares at all about me except my husband then i feel like i dont deserve him and sometimes push him away whats wrong with me what should i do i just cant shake the thought that everyone would be better off without me especially my husband,Suicidal +36464,@khalidh nothing before BlogWorld Expo on the schedule at this stage - have netbook will travel tho',Normal +36465,thanks #Aylesbury #Audi for very quick service in fitting shiny new number plates,Normal +36466,i feel like no one cares i just want to die maybe then i d feel less lonely,Suicidal +36467,"Today, one year ago, I lost a neighbour, and friend, to #suicide. So here is a quote that got me through my worst t… https://t.co/a83mtDdWsA",Suicidal +36468,HootSuite monetizing Twitter - shurely shum mishtake? http://ow.ly/2g0Y,Normal +36469,"I feel sorry for my 64 followers, cause my posts probably take up their entire page",Normal +36470,@TinaCook Morning Tina - the fact is we'll do something with it. Wouldn't it be great if it was something BIG?,Normal +36471,"Wow! Just back from my longest ever non stop run, 14 miles. Now I truly know what sore legs feel like! delighted tho",Normal +36472,"@JasonStatham1 Greetings Jason. So far, Twitter's great today. Thanks for taking a moment for us. Enjoy your swim. Hugs, Angel",Normal +36473,But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is i… https://t.co/vKSEal470M,Suicidal +36474,@mikeyway Liking it,Normal +36475,Tired of living this life,Suicidal +36476,She want to be a doctor,Normal +36477,"Good morning, @mirandaanzures .... Only about eight hours until Noodles.... The only positive thing I can think of right now",Normal +36478,It's going to be a beautiful day--I am going to have a new granddaughter!,Normal +36479,you guys are mean I would never wake up my friends,Suicidal +36480,"Mesh mohm, i just wanted you to know that you’re the softest person came to my miserable life — Oh this is sweet",Suicidal +36481,DISAPPEARING WHEN YOU WAKE UP BUT THERES NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF EVEN WHEN THE NIGHT CHANGES IT WILL NEVER CHANGE ME AND YOU,Suicidal +36482,So tired of living with these niggas.. only 2 1/2 months to go,Suicidal +36483,"@vespertitties,,god kill me literally just. fuckin hang me stab me burn me alive",Suicidal +36484,@tommcfly hot chocolate xx,Normal +36485,What a great feeling and never gave up well done @67Shakey @BeWiser kept a cool head all weekend. #age is nothing https://t.co/GDFHwwsk2s,Normal +36486,@aprilmcvey whyy dont you update somemore mom! HAVE A BLESSED DAY!,Normal +36487,cheated on my gf drunk and now i wanna kill myself didnt know what i was doing was shitfaced drunk an d now i am all alone with no gf and my friends hate me for cheating i dont want to feel pain anymore ,Suicidal +36488,"Having someone want your love, your passion, your heart and your soul... To return it all in kind measure... This is the greatest gift of all.",Normal +36489,"@mint69 yo mate it is working! like a charm, be prepared to tweet my feed! some interesting people to follow too if you can find them",Normal +36490,RT @BreakfastNews: “Regional Australia would be Siberia without the ABC”,Normal +36491,Who the fuck looses their damn keys? I hate myself 🤦🏼‍♀️,Suicidal +36492,i wanna die pls i'm tired of everything,Suicidal +36493,@DonalMacIntyre ello you were fab on DOI im going to the tour tmwr cant wait!! xxx,Normal +36494,@DanceMassTV Thanks! It's just what I think.,Normal +36495,@alonpeer 10x man any tips or ideas?,Normal +36496,i want to be a engineer.,Normal +36497,"I want to be out in the sun, walking down a beach, with Joey",Normal +36498,i sexually harassed my crush i feel like there is no place for me in the world for a long time now about half a year i have been touching my crush who is not interested in me without consent i work alongside him and we are both part of a very tight group of friends so he has to see me every day and every single time i try to touch him stare at him and sometimes even take pictures of him only recently i have realized the implications of what i have done and that i am hurting him i feel like i betrayed him and myself for doing something that is completely against all my values i want to change and i know i can but i amafraid i will lose the will to live if i cant get myself to stop touching him ,Suicidal +36499,I hate when I have to rate my group members because I’ll ALWAYS rate them higher than I’d rate myself knowing damn… https://t.co/bFUvC55DTT,Suicidal +36500,Haven’t watched WWE since Extreme Rules. I will now begin last night’s Monday Night Raw. This is my suicide note.,Suicidal +36501,@wookim and the consensus was... ?,Normal +36502,@xdcd What are you saying about yourself,Normal +36503,RT @voidpaola: LOLOLOLOLOL I HATE HOW I TRUST PEOPLE WITH UGLY PICTURES OF MYSELF AND THEN THEY BREAK THAT TRUST LIKE LOL DAMN OK IT BE LIK…,Suicidal +36504,RT @jmattjmattjmatt: When you’re trying to go out for pre-game and you hear... “Ay come take this pic with your family!!!” Oh well... happy…,Normal +36505,"RT @PostRoz: In AF1 call, Theresa May tried to flatter Trump with congratulations for GOP wins in the midterms. He responded by berating th…",Normal +36506,He doesn't want to give up but he's afraid to even touch the equipment much less pack it up.,Normal +36507,@elleeseymour I didn't realise you were trustee. There are loads of you aren't there? Find RASE structure quite confusing!,Normal +36508,"I feel an infinite sadness in my soul and I feel so lonely, so empty, so disappointed, so desperate, so distressed,… https://t.co/SwTFkygc5k",Suicidal +36509,@Mennard have fun! bet you unearth all sorts of goodies!!,Normal +36510,@yerea679 not tired.,Normal +36511,"RT @tomorrowithryu: And I hate the fact if it's true Dojae will do surgery, Dojae has to endure the pain alone :'( without Segye 😭😭😭😭 altou…",Suicidal +36512,I want one of those http://bit.ly/9m1kO,Normal +36513,Chillin,Normal +36514,Good morning.,Normal +36515,My workplace gets so much better when good weather strikes. http://tinyurl.com/cp7n6w,Normal +36516,Beans on toast with Simona. Can it get any better ?,Normal +36517,@fisbeed get back to work,Normal +36518,why cant I loose enough blood on my period that I just die ugh — IDK go see a doctor https://t.co/P2PTooYnT5,Suicidal +36519,"@sanguivori,kaycee!!♡ glenn!!♡,i dont want to be here anymore i wish i was dead",Suicidal +36520,"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.",Normal +36521,RT @axelsoup: the false information of hanyu never having to study like any other person as if he didn't have to wake up at 5AM to take ent…,Suicidal +36522,"RT andreamvaldez: ""Trumpy Bear isn’t your average meme-bred merch gone viral: It appeals to everyone and no one, it… https://t.co/yhS4IpnQTJ",Suicidal +36523,@mrsgiggles83 hey black hair suits u by the way,Normal +36524,"I hate that I’m at war with myself daily. I hate living at home like this, bc I’m told my emotions don’t matter. I… https://t.co/1gPpI18pwQ",Suicidal +36525,RT @damnitdolann: I fucking hate my whole family all they do is making me feel fat and I'm so done with feeling bad about my body and const…,Suicidal +36526,"@healthwarrior A watched pot never boiled, mate - distraction is the name of the game",Normal +36527,Dunno why my phones done me so dirty and made videos of me and my ex’s Cos of face recognition with the background… https://t.co/x6KfbmgBP9,Suicidal +36528,spent 1 day doing 'research' ... i'm feeling Great! an achievement! =D,Normal +36529,@Raawry Lol good id we should all dress up as twitt bird and listen to twit podcast all night! @apattys thanks,Normal +36530,@shruticute Hmmm... my mom... well... thanni thelichu vettutaanga...,Normal +36531,poor @littlebrownpen ! Fortunately you have a good sense of humor,Normal +36532,@nellclothing @TdMPhotography Crikey! Check out the Manfrotto worshipers!,Normal +36533,about to open birthday presents,Normal +36534,"After looking at the American suicide statistics, I was shocked to see that white men in their 40s-50s lead. Right… https://t.co/ZLYTWuxVbQ",Suicidal +36535,I have amazing people in my life that encourage nothing except the positive. Thank you Lord for blessing me.,Normal +36536,"@judyk113 Yeah, we're going to have neither, but it's all good. Hope you do.",Normal +36537,@SamanthaPaige3 This is the best thing to pop on my Twitter all day😂😂 what cracks me up is that billy is in it too😂😂😂,Normal +36538,I hate myself,Suicidal +36539,@SLDalby Why YES xx,Normal +36540,@DmitriCain Ok thanks! I am not getting off Twitter just yet.,Normal +36541,Home sweet home shower time,Normal +36542,@Cathay_Pacific just wanted to say a big thank you for being such a great airline. As a travel writer things like this mean A LOT!,Normal +36543,"@suziam what 'bout something a bit more Lo-Fi.. Dictation (failing that, one of those projected keyboards)",Normal +36544,I was called in yesterday at the Guidance Counselor's office. I thought I did something bad as my ID was blocked. I… https://t.co/jka0bYtvG9,Suicidal +36545,Hi what the fuck have I been doing with my life lately?,Suicidal +36546,"ok, everyone who's racing this weekend, dm me with a picture of your car & the make and model. i'll put it all up on my blog",Normal +36547,@baikini I don't want them using my phone.,Normal +36548,"Can't wait until the new Star Trek movie comes out, looks good",Normal +36549,I want you to sense my magic without touch.,Normal +36550,when that muffin guy said “please somebody kill me” I felt that shit,Suicidal +36551,"@laurene planning to do that, too. while in transit anyway",Normal +36552,I got twitter 4 my iPod touch yaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,Normal +36553,The Orange TV #iPhone app is really disappointing. Low quality video streams and obviously nothing interesting on the TV,Normal +36554,RT @camerondallas: if i don’t love anything i can’t get hurt,Normal +36555,Time to fly! Ord-dca-ord-clt 16hrs clt-ord-iad-mco 13hrs mco-ord hm in time for date night,Normal +36556,says just watched Mall Cop. http://plurk.com/p/n0s0q,Normal +36557,"@monster344, how great is that?",Normal +36558,@WAHMBizbuilder absolutely! Are you due in Melb any time soon?,Normal +36559,I’m a fucking lunatic when I get angry it’s so terrible I need to work on this so bad before I end up doing somethi… https://t.co/13FuEpPVue,Suicidal +36560,@declanshalvey yea you're right it's shite,Normal +36561,"trying to find something formal to wear in a casual closet, jeans and popculture shirt will do good enough.",Normal +36562,@Sam_Johnson I'm with ya there,Normal +36563,RT @CapcomFighters: Congratulations again to @tokidoki77 for taking the Asia Regional Finals title! Thanks to @Yoshi_OnoChin for giving out,Normal +36564,@beijingboyce "ice" Why?,Normal +36565,I don't want you to start feeling neglected.,Normal +36566,@pinkfrangipani it's take me to the river from sydenee,Normal +36567,@idazz Even I can't run that far! Yet!,Normal +36568,It's one of the perks of working for the NYSE Ger!,Normal +36569,going back to straighten my hair download some nds roms first though,Normal +36570,Fake news just went ballistic. Get ready. You thought fake news was bad? Deep fakes… https://t.co/LnXcyfRktk,Suicidal +36571,"@HZilionis The thing to remember is, obsessing sucks up energy you could put into that new story! I say kick worry to the curb.",Normal +36572,@tommcfly http://twitpic.com/2y9c6 - hide it well from everyone!,Normal +36573,"@slxmdunk,United Kingdom,@Pamaj what hapens if i dont want to be here anymore?",Suicidal +36574,"@gcoakley13,,2nd is 'i dont want to be here anymore' by em too",Suicidal +36575,Damn I fucken hate shopping bc then I feel sooooo broke. Like I can’t even enjoy myself anymore,Suicidal +36576,i am great and wonderful i am worth it except not enough to be anyones first choice everyone tells me how wonderful i am but not enough to be loved like i love others i put aside everything for people but i am too crazy to hold a job too nothing to be really loved i am not entitled and i dont even have the right to die on my own terms and i am an asshole for being angry about it for being upset that i am there when other people treat me like shit and cant be bothered wheni amhurt,Suicidal +36577,"why do i destroy all my opportunities? am i going to kill myself on accident? if i only get worse, does that mean a… https://t.co/Ur1sapAyLo",Suicidal +36578,@MonicaLewinsky @VanityFair Who cares? It happened and it is in the past. You have nothing to apologize for. Hillar… https://t.co/7hCvOUANCm,Suicidal +36579,@misspolyamory maybe more hugs is what i need,Normal +36580,Guess who just posted on Universal Causality? ME! http://universalcausality.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/thoughts-in-the-mens-room/,Normal +36581,GOD FUCK IM A DUMB FUCKING IDIOT WHO CALLED OUT PERSONAL INSTEAD OF SICK GUESS WHOS GETTING THEIR THIRD REPRIMAND S… https://t.co/r9W52o6LNY,Suicidal +36582,"@Wiggly I do I thank them for example when their code doesn't have many bugs, or when they make it easy for me to automate.",Normal +36583,and that's why we are in the classrooms working with them. Right?,Normal +36584,Like all I want to do is shove a knife into my fucking stomach I hate myself so god damn much,Suicidal +36585,@MiaMiaDC - Good morning!,Normal +36586,i hate that i’m not okay. i hate that i fucking want to kill myself but don’t bc i don’t want to leave my family st… https://t.co/QKmnrE63Ea,Suicidal +36587,"@Sannymoorby,,Is it horrible of me that i want to commit #suicide, that i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36588,@AuntieCelene I think I'm going to try making those newspaper thingies this year. Got a lot of herbs to grow!,Normal +36589,Is on the train more shopping Yay,Normal +36590,Gooooooood morning!,Normal +36591,is about to do paper works at the eve of his birthnight! http://plurk.com/p/n0t0c,Normal +36592,overwhelmed and enjoy it,Normal +36593,@helloitsliam todd loves steps,Normal +36594,@_aang21 I love you I love you 😥❤️,Normal +36595,Chillin with Lucy...beautiful day today,Normal +36596,@maufeitioblog obviously,Normal +36597,i wanna go to sleep forever and never wake up im so tired,Suicidal +36598,@danielhilton I know that's real. My bf fell asleep & I'm editing video... XO,Normal +36599,can't find any nice words for a .tel domain http://wortsuchen.de/ends-with-by-length/tel/ haha,Normal +36600,"@emwinward I hate myself, and my damn autocorrect 😂",Suicidal +36601,is off to Dundrum with Martin,Normal +36602,@lucyinglis I had to unexpectedly put down one of my rabbits last week and it hurts like hell. It's bad enough when… https://t.co/txOkQtHTs4,Suicidal +36603,just got out of the shower. nothing says 'wake up' like body lotion in your hair,Normal +36604,@samotage what was channel and time of prog politicians with no formal training bathe in SIMPLEXITY a la CNUTROY!!!!,Normal +36605,after im gonna have a lok in d argos catalouge 4 summ bday pressies or look online,Normal +36606,"is reading through some interesting articles on our own Extranet, surprisingly good stuff",Normal +36607,@suitelifeofkell and then i stole that shirt. and sold it on ebay,Normal +36608,@MissxMarisa Oh sounds like a top movie Really? I don't know who that is but they should hah.,Normal +36609,Morninggggg how am i just up now when my alarm went off two hours a go...,Normal +36610,@Schofe You too,Normal +36611,I only have like few of thesis chapter to go and like its oso like already filled in but my lazy ass being extra da… https://t.co/6Y6UzBwbsR,Suicidal +36612,watching Arthur cos I'm way cool,Normal +36613,RT @8BitSlothiness: @nickmon1112 Can this please be over with? I'm tired of everything from @discordapp to my coffee maker have a popup tel…,Suicidal +36614,"@juliankimmings My commiserations, is it as bad as I had heard it is?",Normal +36615,Somebody just please kill me before my life gets any more stupid?,Suicidal +36616,"@jaredleto hey ho, jared! I'm vegan too...hope you're all right",Normal +36617,Eating kebab in the sun. Sounds like a bad song title. Ha! That one too,Normal +36618,Thanks @unltdworld and @danlehner for the Enternships.com plugs,Normal +36619,"IVE LOST A LOT OF INTEREST IN NASCAR AND DONT THINK I WILL TWEET FROM HERE MUCH ANYMORE. IF YOU STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS OR SOMETHING, YOU CAN FOLLOW MY LESS POPULAR TWITTER PAGE: @gutcheez. WE CAN BE FRIENDS THERE.",Suicidal +36620,wow i want to die! somebody fucking kill me! PLEASE! https://t.co/oyySkOcTE0,Suicidal +36621,@zergmoney tweet dreams,Normal +36622,Playing the clarinet makes me happy,Normal +36623,Found st thomas'and waiting,Normal +36624,RT @MrEdTrain: #NeverForget who keeps you & your family safe & free 🇺🇸 @USMC @USARMY @USNAVY @USAF @USCG https://t.co/z21HWgPaYn,Normal +36625,RT @MileyCyrus: Completely devestated by the fires affecting my community. I am one of the lucky ones. My animals and LOVE OF MY LIFE made…,Normal +36626,busy day...update tonight,Normal +36627,Michael Jackson is a sad existance of a man.. I've already met Alanis so Prince is my last hope.. Keep The Faith..,Normal +36628,@Starrybluesky Hello back at ya and Thank you!,Normal +36629,"Ruby, ruby, ruby, ruby!!!: Just taken delivery of my new 'Beginning Ruby' book! Whoop whoop - another languag.. http://tinyurl.com/cd29ar",Normal +36630,"@JulieJoyce Sounds pretty fine to me and very pleased to hear that creepy is your cup of tea, too!",Normal +36631,@xsophiejane malese answered my question on twitter! check it outt on malese her twitter it's about youu !,Normal +36632,Wheat Thins and Diet Dr. Pepper = breakfast of champions...or people who wake-up late and grab the first thing they can find...,Normal +36633,She was tired.,Normal +36634,RT @ShorouqAD: Choose a job you Love and you will never have to work a day in your life. Happy future our amazing students,Normal +36635,@brendonuriesays @trohman hope you guys have a safe flight,Normal +36636,I think I’m going to redecorate my living room but I’m tired of moving stuff around,Suicidal +36637,@chinewinelover ?????,Normal +36638,"@MNTNTOP,,fuck this shit i want to be dead so i dont have to be here anymore https://t.co/1M6PZKhT9v",Suicidal +36639,i have been reading about a group called dignitas in switzerland they provide assisted suicide via drugs that the member you have to become a member administers themselves anyone have any insight on americans travelling there for this purpose apparently they have helped many british and german citizens pass peacefully ,Suicidal +36640,"@ohvember,Portland, OR,every kid has had a tantrum today i dont want to be here i dont want to hear anymore crying i just want to go home and pet my dog",Suicidal +36641,"@horrorshock666 Oh, the puns. The bad, bad puns. I think I'll quite like the new clear sounds though x",Normal +36642,@NPR These things are literally an everyday occurrence for my family ever since my parents came to this country. It… https://t.co/TYCbrfobGC,Suicidal +36643,Reminder: SR Release date set for Easter Sunday,Normal +36644,RT @AmNotJake: I'm so fucking tired of living I'm not smart I'm not athletic I'm not attractive I'm not talented I just have this fucking t…,Suicidal +36645,work slave i really feel like my only purpose in life is to make a higher man money parents forcing me through college and i have too much on my plate i owe a lot of money i know this is the easy way out but i am really tired all of these issues are on top of dealing with tensions in america as well i want to rest,Suicidal +36646,@vamp_queen of course!,Normal +36647,"#FreeKaavan Another year has passed and I am still alone, sad and suffering. Will I ever live with dignity? Or will… https://t.co/0oWffNaMQb",Suicidal +36648,@crystalweb and @sallyormond (Briar Copywriting)- an awesome combination,Normal +36649,what now so i am 17 everyone knows i want to kill myself but nobody really acknowledges it as though even if i did it it would just be inevitable and nobody would give a shit which is true and i amfucking sick its been like 3 years of suicidal thoughts but over time theyve become disgustingly close to becoming reality and i am fucking scared i just want to die you know maybe i will,Suicidal +36650,arreeyy.. mad - o - wat..i'm wit u.. coz maine bhi.. intro hi start kiya,Normal +36651,my life has no purpose i am broke lonely and miserable i am so my life is a sack of shit my family legitimately hate me i am poor i have some friends but dont hear from them unless i get in touch first i have been single for almost a decade generally i am ok with being single but depression grinds my world to a halt doctors dont help me nobody around me seems to understand this has gone on for 30 years i am tired cant do it any more i just want to lay down and die quietly all i want in life is to disappear,Suicidal +36652,phillies game with becca tonight,Normal +36653,@rq_woodward Lol I love it!!!,Normal +36654,RT @delaneykazee: i’m so tired of living in a country that has become about taking sides. bitch can we all just love and respect each other…,Suicidal +36655,@Valvert : have a nice day to,Normal +36656,@Mileycyrus i love jesus too and im getting ready for school (<3),Normal +36657,"Update on my phone real quick, it was in my car the whole god damn time. I really fucking hate myself. https://t.co/msTC1tVqOA",Suicidal +36658,RT @joonswrlds: Jimin is so happy. I love him. #Jimin @BTS_twt https://t.co/e1IIA610tB,Normal +36659,"You take time to think about a date, but I want to take you out tomorrow to look at engagement rings.",Normal +36660,is a bit happier. She found her Chanel sunglasses.,Normal +36661,Adam Sandler before he became shit predicted my future mental state...,Suicidal +36662,RT @skupor: Incredibly sad and poignant story about suicide https://t.co/u73vm5KVxK,Suicidal +36663,"I GOT MY BOX!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'll pick it up tomorrow, priscilla! @gilmoregirlc",Normal +36664,"RT @Maddierawrk: My brother died from depression. He also frequently exercised, had supportive friends/family, was successful in school & i…",Normal +36665,"RT @mkoirala: Just keep going forward, no matter what #Motivation #Success #Life",Normal +36666,My life is way too good for me to feel so angry and miserable all the time,Suicidal +36667,i don't wanna fucking be here anymore,Suicidal +36668,@AngelaMaria1858 5 but my italian is basic for now,Normal +36669,Haircut! Feeling fresh and clean,Normal +36670,Data.gov comes to life! (even in the form of a jpeg image - all great things start like that ) http://data.gov/,Normal +36671,unfollow me now is all in gonna talk aboutfor therestof my miserable life https://t.co/ORVRYQQKby,Suicidal +36672,"@nicolaisbombay i thought it meant you are my destiny too! cause of the song! hahaha, and yes, they're coming.",Normal +36673,Tired of living with childish people,Suicidal +36674,When my dog does end up passing on... my life will seriously be a tumbling downwards spiral....... that’s my life. SHES my life.,Suicidal +36675,just watched chris moyles quiz night from last night! alan carr is too funny! he's the best,Normal +36676,@rustyrockets you are a big piece of the rainbow..shine big shine bright and I will see you out there Sparkle friends forever,Normal +36677,@danielledeleasa have you had your hair cut? it looks really good,Normal +36678,At the end of the day I’m at this point in my life where I TRULY DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ! So if I give a fuck about you… https://t.co/KOngVi6Kgd,Suicidal +36679,"Feel lucky to work with 2 shining young stars in #Healthcare, honored by @Forbes #30Under30 today ...… https://t.co/dkqUolP2RV",Normal +36680,"@dink9966 Losing those 2 guys is huge, but you gotta deal with it. Time to call up Weber for the PP & Price to take some NyQuil #habs",Normal +36681,i hate when i want to be self-pitying but my mind refuses to let me like damn I just wanna feel sorry for myself fo… https://t.co/ekUgU72yA5,Suicidal +36682,love the way skype fades music back in when a call ends... i'm so easily impressed,Normal +36683,RT @virendersehwag: Congratulations India on beating Pakistan 3-1 in #AsiaCup2017 #INDvPAK . Thank you for the advance diwali gift @TheHock,Normal +36684,@nicharry Tell her Simon "who used to be from Tuks FM" says Hi,Normal +36685,@Richelle27 damn it have to make it a proper website one day with the help of tiff,Normal +36686,At least its not raining today,Normal +36687,my morning started out so bad i just want to go home and sleep forever,Suicidal +36688,i think it was my lack of saying anything at all that was pretty stupid when i met harry. i was acting all cool and… https://t.co/lpdqwGeI8J,Suicidal +36689,Taking son to have his braces taken of Big day in teen age boy's life!,Normal +36690,"@mattstevensloop thanks Matt, I'm glad you like it ... no algorithmic music gigs planned so far though",Normal +36691,"so like if the man I end up spending the rest of my days with aint him, I feel like im going to hate my life.",Suicidal +36692,i hate my parents so much i want to kill myself to spite them especially my dad i almost do not want to have children because i do not want my dad to become a grandfather just like how he didnt want me to have a girlfriend or friends growing up i dont think i would even goto his funeral if he died i hate you from the bottom of my heart you only had me in order to chain down my mom you hated and ignored yelled at me since i was a little boy and now i hate you forever this hatred is killing me ,Suicidal +36693,"@rolyatoj just some teething problems, my new house & I will be friends",Normal +36694,"asahi, giant and scared: PLEASE don’t eat my ass spirits",Suicidal +36695,i am so miserable i've never been this miserable in my life he is simply baby https://t.co/6pHayB9OhA,Suicidal +36696,@WilliamSledd Love the videos William New to twitter x,Normal +36697,"@thesouthernstar ochie, kmaren nervous ya pas TU? Kliatan tau, pas aku dtg aku ngeliat ochie lg maen2in tisu sampe tisu'y lecek..",Normal +36698,"cool, I've got more followers! people are interested.....",Normal +36699,"RT @elonmusk: Congratulations @SpaceX team! Thanks @NASA, much appreciated. https://t.co/6aiWbh8F6V",Normal +36700,Tired of merely existing. Want to get to living.,Suicidal +36701,i wanna kill myself im so fucking done,Suicidal +36702,@christinamendez: My list is short; so does that mean the my God is huge too? LoL,Normal +36703,Haha flight of the conchords was so bloody hilarious last night 10/10 chur chur,Normal +36704,@Ryankingry You or the picture?! Cus damn both be looking so good! 😂🤩,Suicidal +36705,"@Overspill Well, can you link me to it anyway???",Normal +36706,if i tell a psychiatrist that i am suicidal will they immediately have me shipped away and handcuffed to a bed i always lie,Suicidal +36707,Fucking hell - Prada saved the day!!!,Normal +36708,Where are the easter eggs,Normal +36709,RT @poemsandthongs: the kinda bad bitch that's ready to die anyday now,Suicidal +36710,I am so sick and tired of being blamed for everything that I am actually waiting for the day I die.,Suicidal +36711,@rowanberry ohhh sending loads of Positive vibes your way,Normal +36712,@BoomBoxBindery All I have to say about studio setup is that I'd die without my flat files. Designed my whole studio around them.,Normal +36713,RT @ImHorny32503587: #HornyFact I'm so fucking tired of living I'm not smart I'm not athletic I'm not attractive I'm not talented I just ha…,Suicidal +36714,@jordandossett tell me about it! we're going to try that PureSleep mouth piece on TV - will let you know if/how it works,Normal +36715,@R_Elisewrites Congratulations on all of your accomplishments! You are an amazing person inside and out! ❤️ https://t.co/98Mt8DiI7d,Normal +36716,"@tpgraham that's pretty cool, man. I'm not a fan, but lossless FTW! I'll check it out ...",Normal +36717,Random thought #471729.I'm so glad I live in the time of GPS on my cell and navi in my car bc NOTHING confused me m… https://t.co/QwvphlC58Q,Suicidal +36718,@janakidasa1 @BeecheyPat @central_cap @LevequeThots It is sickening. What is sickening is we elect ppl like the lib… https://t.co/v8PzGBUglY,Suicidal +36719,"@CollinB63,,Everyone says im better off but I dont want to be. I dont think that. It doesnt quite matter what I think anymore. So we out here.",Suicidal +36720,Landed in Belfast. It's wee this wee that,Normal +36721,"@GreigWells Haha, they are a flamin distraction",Normal +36722,@toodamnninja uhuhhhh. word fail. it's 'shipwreck in the sand'. obviously too early,Normal +36723,Plans have changed for the better... out for a MTB ride in the sunshine now,Normal +36724,i want to fucking die,Suicidal +36725,my uni is playing POTC outside and free hotX buns. i feel lovvvved,Normal +36726,"@MmmBaileys Have a good day Jessie, and I'll tell you for why, it's your birthday!",Normal +36727,@Vince_Craine Glad to see you've toned down your sell. Still like the software,Normal +36728,"•and I’m so sick of love songs, so tired of tears. I’m so done with wishing, you were still here.",Suicidal +36729,"@malhere hope u have a good ride if the weather is decent, if only the weather was like that where I live",Normal +36730,"Second, some people will still want their food grown the old-fashioned way, just like how I buy heritage meats and heirloom seeds.",Normal +36731,@effyobie STOP SPEAKING IN SUCH A SOPHISTICATED WAY PLEASE. it's hard for me to keep up!!,Normal +36732,"sitting in the sun, baking in 30 degrees - wonderful",Normal +36733,@suitelifeofkell haha me too! it reminds me and my daddy of the monkee's old show same here can't wait! lol. WHATTT?,Normal +36734,i cant stop fucking upi amselfish gutless disrespectful spiteful rude self righteous arrogant ignorantim forgetful unfelpful self centeredim stupid clutzy lazy depressed constantly exhausted i havent filled out any of my college applications because i didnt even plan on living this long i just want to die so i can stop disgracing my family and inconveniencing my mom i kind of want to be a ballistician they look at bullets from dead bodies to see what gun it came out of but honestly i am more likely to be the subject of one and i dont have any friends in or out of school why am i like this,Suicidal +36735,"Offense or Defense , passive or violent. I cut my wrist and my heartbeat is silent",Suicidal +36736,DCU SU elections today,Normal +36737,im so tired of living. whats the point of me living if i keep whining,Suicidal +36738,i shouldnt want to kill myself i have so many advantages in life all of my immediate family is alive and still involved in my life i have several friends who i frequently talk to i make more than enough money to live on easily but every night i go home and drink hoping i will forget about how much i just want it all to end every single moment that i am sober i spend thinking that people might actually see me for who i really am a lazy waste of space who lucked into success and wheni amdrunk i worry that people will find out thati am trying to slowly kill myself with alcohol fuck i always thought if i could just be successful i would be happy well i am not,Suicidal +36739,totally craving chocolate and starbucks...only 4 days left,Normal +36740,"@SpiritScribbler,,I dont think I want to be on Twitter anymore. I'm not adding to anyone's life here.",Suicidal +36741,RT @dccc: BREAKING: Democrats just FLIPPED #CA10 from #RedToBlue!!! Big congratulations to Congressman-elect @joshua_harder! #Midterms2018…,Normal +36742,i am not sure if it s normal to consider suicide on a normal basis i m an engineer for a larger corporation and lately i ve been thinking what s the point at all ,Suicidal +36743,@EARom Voted for 'Entry #9 - ellisdabomb #4' - that was incredible...might have to play some FIFA now,Normal +36744,me: i want to die and be dead,Suicidal +36745,@XirthTv The girl I was fucking with the one that made me not kill myself a night I was just done is out of being institutionalized,Suicidal +36746,i got 3 hours of sleep last night. double shot latte and i'm good,Normal +36747,@turnitgrey oh gosh. I didn't think you were that old. oh well I'll still like you when your 25 hahaha.,Normal +36748,i have to go now.... make up duty for tomorrow...... goodnight to all....,Normal +36749,@Ingermaaike aww thank you,Normal +36750,i have bipolar 2 disorder and i have become hyper aware of my mood swings they get bad enough where i can barely get out of bed talk to my friends or even work and during the manic episodes i dont sleep maybe 34 hours at night my mind races i make highly unrealistic goals and then get hit again with the crippling depression ,Suicidal +36751,"RT @petun1ia: I have nothing to live for dude, shits so sad.",Suicidal +36752,"@cmgangrel typical metro, can't even get that right.",Normal +36753,is an awesome photographer,Normal +36754,is excited for two more sleeps any she doesn't have to wear the stupid goggles to bed anymore.,Normal +36755,I GET IT WOOOOOOOOOOOO,Normal +36756,I just wanna goto that concert so damn bad but would hate myself if I spent $300 on that ticket right now,Suicidal +36757,@Mwmyn I would say philosophical,Normal +36758,RT @llvv0i: I am not correcting anything I just live my life calmly and I have nothing to do with what is going on this miserable world,Suicidal +36759,"oh shit!! this could get out of hand and theres no dancing at my place!! no hoe down, no shindig! nada",Normal +36760,@Boddingtons see ya Anastasia!! have a marvellous day,Normal +36761,Need to fucking move out already tired of being told what to when to do it and most of all not having a fucking roo… https://t.co/5ViKK3uu20,Suicidal +36762,@beelarge I should have mine today then,Normal +36763,I am so sick and tired of living. https://t.co/w8r1DtTjBi,Suicidal +36764,@rosskie so far it has been all shopping more again today heehee what u up to?,Normal +36765,@priyank_acharya @JPNadda World has got the right path celebrating D 'Matri pitri pujan diwas' started by #Bapuji.,Normal +36766,"cya all later crew, i got a bit of work to do",Normal +36767,@mileycyrus you're up early.... or out late haha,Normal +36768,gonna go to school. be back around 4,Normal +36769,homework ALL day... 2 assignments due by 4:30 (but they're almost done!),Normal +36770,so i have been in a suicide rehab center for the last month i am just over life it is not sadness or depression i just give up it would just be easier to be dead ,Suicidal +36771,"Congratulations, Jim! I'm a great editor, not a great media artist.",Normal +36772,is now washed and dressed,Normal +36773,"For the past week I’ll I’ve been thinking about is nothing. I want to disappear, why do I feel so trapped in the li… https://t.co/Xqh6rLAcms",Suicidal +36774,What did you want me to say?,Normal +36775,"The one damn time I don’t watch RAW, Becky and the Smackdown women’s division attack the RAW women’s division and B… https://t.co/YSb2Eq2QAb",Suicidal +36776,Leaving House now gonna switch to texts,Normal +36777,yumm jeremy kyle and a bacon sandwich,Normal +36778,I'm not really feeling the whole 'going to class and being productive' thing today....hooky?!,Normal +36779,RT @revolwoc: @sh_tbritttsays *que screamo voice* SO CUT MY WRIST AND BLACK MY EYES,Suicidal +36780,"RT @JeffFlake: Congratulations to @kyrstensinema on a race well run, and won. It’s been a wonderful honor representing Arizona in the Senat…",Normal +36781,loves the weather and goes on a bike tour with her doggy now,Normal +36782,goodnight i really want to fucking kill myself,Suicidal +36783,FUCK YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU,Suicidal +36784,Can’t believe I lost my damn car keys smh mind you the damn house key is on there 🙄 this is the 2nd time my drunk a… https://t.co/EaZ8urlp7o,Suicidal +36785,muttering i wanna die to myself daily for a few months now i feel worthless shes my soulmate i cant live in this horrible world without her i am so lonely i wish i could just turn off the part of my brain that feels ,Suicidal +36786,That skill takes time and iq. As a center he could run other bigs off the floor and force other teams to go small a… https://t.co/i0I3FKsgBt,Suicidal +36787,Do everything with a good heart and expect nothing in return and you will never be disappointed.,Normal +36788,Make sure you email me to enter this month's giveaway - makeup from Pink Quartz Minerals!!,Normal +36789,"anyway if you cant accept that ive MOVED ON FROM YOU SICKOS, go fuck yourself, ill just keep avoiding your sorry asses",Suicidal +36790,"@richardsedley I'm absolutely interested! I'll shoot you my info in a DM, or of course feel free to share it in a reply and I'll retweet.",Normal +36791,"@MSNBC @NBCNews ""I accepted benefits from a hostile foreign government and conspired with Michael Cohen to violate… https://t.co/fxJEjOi74P",Suicidal +36792,@caitlinh38 Caution: It can be addictive,Normal +36793,RT @Shen_the_Bird: doctor: i'm afraid he may never wake up from his coma,Suicidal +36794,GOD! CAN U HERME IM TIRED PLEASE KILL ME I WANT DIE,Suicidal +36795,@jethron5000 hahah yeah see i told you! coffee bean's chocolate ice blended is way better! let me know how's the show tonight,Normal +36796,"w00t! Matt Elliot (Third Eye Foundation) playing GRV tonight Early gig (first act 8.15, curfew 10.30), if anyone fancies?",Normal +36797,I keep fucking up what matters the most to me and I fucking hate myself so god damn much for being like that,Suicidal +36798,@chrisgarrett I'm up for it! can't wait to here more details,Normal +36799,everything is okay but nothing feels okay i ve always been a bit unhappy as a kid too i think although i can t remember much of my childhood i dont want to kill myself but sometimes that thought just comes creeping and it scares me a little a few weeks ago a problem came up it was a financial problem quite fixable but i just couldn t handle it i tied myself a noose and everything i was gonna do it i was all alone in the house with my dog so there was really no one that would be able to stop me i didnt do anything but i felt like i could have done it completely on impulse over a fixable problem leaving behind everything i love and my hopeful future i feel it now too creeping up on me everything should be fine but i cant help the feeling that i should just do it like everything would be easier for everyone if they would just realize how little they need me ,Suicidal +36800,@wimcoekaerts Shouldn't that be life in the 'car pool lane' my friend ?,Normal +36801,@gfrdtagon also again i hate making a comeback to rp bcs i caused many bad things that shudnt have happened:(:( bub… https://t.co/eqirspU9fo,Suicidal +36802,me as a future therapist: damn :/ it be like that sometimes,Suicidal +36803,@erickaaa haha awww. i had amazing pizza 2day for much after my photoshoot =D i will take u out hehe..u gonna answer ur fone 2night? xx,Normal +36804,@jodonahue Yes it is!,Normal +36805,@dareanderae I love you 💕💕💕,Normal +36806,@petemc My Mrs is always telling me off for this - sit and enjoy the moment instead of trying to take photos of it!!!,Normal +36807,"Wait I take this back, I fucking hate living in Markham and I want to actually kill myself damn",Suicidal +36808,@modejunkie awww sweetness! But he's still a cutie!,Normal +36809,@mikeyway Cute,Normal +36810,Life's so short man I couldnt stress enough how important it is for you to live your love with peace and good energy!,Normal +36811,@Treenz22 @mynameislloyd @fritzanator Awesome time tonight. I knew you would check twitter before bed. Ha Ha,Normal +36812,I like the sound of my new job title. Inventory manager.,Normal +36813,RT @mercurymalek: i fucking BEG YOU just leave me here to die I DESERVE IT https://t.co/kFBttqboUe,Suicidal +36814,RT @palestinianho: patient: i hate myself and i want to die,Suicidal +36815,"@UnclaimedAna2 The worst part is I tire easily and I love napping. Fortunately I don’t get tired until after work,… https://t.co/EyDeIthBBG",Suicidal +36816,http://twitpic.com/2y9iv - When Chelsea brings me chocolate and diet coke I'm happy again,Normal +36817,I think she was merely directing the comment at you because she thought you might want to know.,Normal +36818,I do not want all this.,Normal +36819,Sometimes you’ll never know how bad you fucked up until one day you wake up with nothing,Suicidal +36820,RT @cparham65: Liberals say conservatives are evil. NOTHING’s further from the truth! We believe in “live & let live”. Libs think that big…,Suicidal +36821,"@youractionlink,Utah,Want to take that perfect selfie? Here’s what you should be looking for in your phone camera!",Suicidal +36822,"#FreeKaavan Another year has passed and I am still alone, sad and suffering. Will I ever live with dignity? Or will… https://t.co/bk4rdiwZSc",Suicidal +36823,"I just want to remind y’all that without Iris, Barry Allen would be dead right now. But she’s useless right?… https://t.co/vloroTurEZ",Suicidal +36824,"@RedMummy I feel better today, got some sleep and its not raining so can take the beasts out",Normal +36825,@CITYPUBLICITY During revamp and shortly after. They're out of $ now & in real trouble... but I'm going to be good & not bag them publicy,Normal +36826,i want to be a businessman.,Normal +36827,AFTER EFFECTS HAS FROZEN AND I DID NOT I REPEAT I DID NOT SAVE MY EDIT I WANT TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DIE .... IT TOOK… https://t.co/yif8DABTQm,Suicidal +36828,Oh god sweet nicotine and tar i crave you both so bad today what is wrong with me lol hahaha XX,Normal +36829,@callumfloyd Welcome to the jungle!,Normal +36830,"@NFear,Chicago, IL,Life is hard. I never thought I’d come onto social media to vent/talk about my feelings. But man my life sucks. I dont want attention but I know this tweet makes it look like I do. I’m done streaming, YouTube, and just playing games all together. Just don’t wanna be here anymore.",Suicidal +36831,i am a 20 year old transgirl who has been on hormones for about 4 months recently i suffered from a depressive episode due to gender dysphoria until about a couple weeks ago i just got a job and i was presenting myself as female and using a female name the only problem is that i still look somewhat masculine so i get stared at constantly and dismissed i cannot connect with any of my coworkers because i look and act strange to them i know i am supposed to wait on these hormones but i am really scared what if they dont work what if i ll get beaten up what if i lose my job due to just being me i want to be happy but its so hard its gotten to the point where all i do is just think about death and hope maybe i will get a do over i just cant take any of this anymore,Suicidal +36832,morning everyone.,Normal +36833,"RT @hanniepower: Today, one year ago, I lost a neighbour, and friend, to #suicide. So here is a quote that got me through my worst times. F…",Suicidal +36834,@T_sos2 9 tails or not if he wanted to kill him he’d be dead. Itachi could’ve killed him but he didn’t want to...id… https://t.co/ndYXd8jgBu,Suicidal +36835,RT @Gorb_FanClub: Congratulations to Gorb for graduating middle school. We all hope you strive for greatness like you do on cod4,Normal +36836,I just had to google "How to insert MicroSD into Blackberry Bold" Found it though!,Normal +36837,"Awake....hopin my big brother gots time 4 me 2day, just a lil bit atleast. Yay but Katelyn might come up to hang with me",Normal +36838,RT @Bob41Dylan: Happy birthday to the legendary Neil Young! He turns 73 today! https://t.co/E5DRjzKM6i,Normal +36839,"RT @darkles_sparkle: @GameOfThrones ""My name is Arya Stark. I want you to know that. The last thing you’re ever going to see is a Stark smi…",Suicidal +36840,"@marijamilovanov oh, hell yeah... but, that list should be made very passionately... oops, I ment patiently",Normal +36841,@ImWendy lol - yeah they can be loud so depends where your dryer is but they do get rid of the static - very sneaky bout the dog lolx,Normal +36842,somebody just fucking kill me please,Suicidal +36843,@FuckenJew Too shy for that. Plus he already stole my brain in my sleep.,Normal +36844,@Linc4Justice nah- you're not unfortunate- i dont eat that stuff cause i want to live a few years longer- you're one of the smart ones,Normal +36845,@mileycyrus yess I do ! and im in boston for a college fair and not school hahaa,Normal +36846,@mikebairos we don't have tix just going to attend festivities,Normal +36847,happy birthdaaaaayyy bebe @noveloraineee 💖godbless youuu,Normal +36848,@darkmagique O Yes i aM For Sure! Am sooo happy that he checked it out AgaiN... What TiMe ?..Onish? Jaaaaaah ! Lolm !,Normal +36849,"Downloaded the pollock app, I quite like it! Drew a flower lolz http://twitpic.com/2y7t8",Normal +36850,I literally hate myself for reading this damn book,Suicidal +36851,@FortniteGame Better be adding bouncers back then. No way y’all are dumb enough to add this big a game change then… https://t.co/2GGc72XP5a,Suicidal +36852,RT @VRachal33: I swear to move forward or get ahead in life,Normal +36853,@intelligensia And a following four day week,Normal +36854,@JosephSadowitz @trs63 @forensicpathmd @drjudymelinek @NRA I don’t want your guns. Seriously. I’m not sure who does… https://t.co/1JZiyqovSd,Suicidal +36855,"@sallyinnorfolk awww, you'll have to use Twitter for company",Normal +36856,@espiral08 we're coming back on sunday or monday!,Normal +36857,i just realized that in a month i can celebrate my birthday with watching the Wolverine movie then wwe Raw nice timing,Normal +36858,in the process of making doll no. 2 and it's looking heaps better and cuter,Normal +36859,"@laurenbullo_k,Manchester, England,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36860,i cant wait to get this damn nose job so i can take new selfies 'cause i hate every single picture of myself includ… https://t.co/86DCY27jXT,Suicidal +36861,"@KayKay89 www.youtube.com/Titomi15..WATCH THE VIDEOS,COMMENT&SUSCRIBE!! & FOLLOW me , Cheers x",Normal +36862,@thirdsectorlab Greetings.,Normal +36863,@7anno he is a son of one of my friends,Normal +36864,f&@k the weather!! I'm in Paris! Let's go have a beautiful day,Normal +36865,I’m such a. Disgusting disappointment I’ve gotten visibly fatter my cheeks are puffy and my stomach has actually de… https://t.co/pzeLi6sSIH,Suicidal +36866,RT @RICHSOLEEK: I’m happy I ain’t the same person I was last year.,Normal +36867,almost broke down at class just because the most negative thoughts are kicking in and I'm mf tired of living hahahahahahahah,Suicidal +36868,i keep repeating to myself kill yourself kill yourself do it already i am ready to listen to my inner thoughts i have attempted in the past but at the last moment either i live through it just in a hellblaze of pain becoming a even bigger failure or my body stops me my mind screams to do it but sometimes my body just stops me sometimes my body will give up on life and i ll lay there wanting to shed a tear yet i know no one will care so i lay quietly in the darkness for days on end i try to drown out the voices with all i have left music but recently i dont care to listen to all i have to do what has stuck with me for all my life i am ready to listen to the voices i m ready to listen to my inner shouts if only i had easier access to guns my life would be so much harder but i dont instead i have to go out in either a more painfull way i hope others continue to have the will to carry on but sadly i think i lost mine ,Suicidal +36869,@paulhuse ouch,Normal +36870,gonna go cut up some chickeeeen,Normal +36871,@tarik653 I didn't want to think about it.,Normal +36872,"@Jane_rodriguezz,Cotulla, TX // Lacoste, TX,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36873,@foodphilosophy magic rejuvenation...hmm I'm thinking Triple Oxygen Mask http://is.gd/kQkq and a Blissage105! Hang in there!,Normal +36874,JUST FUCKIN KILL ME,Suicidal +36875,@Bhavika looks like u found all the beer,Normal +36876,i just want to have a friend or a group of friends that dont leave me out,Suicidal +36877,@jyl_MomIF LoL today any woman who can handle 7 kids inspires me #inspire,Normal +36878,#smallbizz #entrepreneur #entrepreneurlifestyle https://t.co/dEHV7DED58,Suicidal +36879,"RT @milatorres170: I never had to do the most , throw shade or hate. I can be quiet and bitches still want me dead. That’s pure Hate and I…",Suicidal +36880,"RT @Sal929: @WyattEarpLA I’m actually tired of this!!! It’s like living in a home where the troubled, deceitful child always wins! It’s not…",Suicidal +36881,Good morning! The sun is shining and I am going to the beach with a few bff's. See later when I am all tan.,Normal +36882,RT @palestinianho: patient: i hate myself and i want to die,Suicidal +36883,But God does not only want us to be HAPPY; He wants us to be good.,Normal +36884,Photo: eatsleepdraw: so weird� I like it. http://tumblr.com/xig1jujl3,Normal +36885,"yo i seriously need to stop being so damn clingy to people,,like i'm so bloody annoying i hate myself",Suicidal +36886,@tonytay113 hi thanks for the follow! did you finish fob trail?,Normal +36887,I don’t want them to come for my account. Literally the only thing keeping me through the miserable existence that… https://t.co/XJF6MP8fJ7,Suicidal +36888,RT @juicymarilee: i am such a loving and caring person,Normal +36889,@nomadicmatt i'd like to be linked on your site http://www.worldresolution.net/travel,Normal +36890,"@nminers Wherever the day takes us! On route to Youlgreave at mo, sun is waking up!",Normal +36891,my sleep was disturbed. i am looking to end a career today,Normal +36892,"@joshuawhite well, you do spend enough time there that you may as well subsidize your habit.",Normal +36893,,Normal +36894,Tired of living day by day like everything’s alright,Suicidal +36895,I just want to protect you...,Normal +36896,We had a visit from our lovely zone head today .... nice,Normal +36897,We were tired from the concert so we ate noodles instead. After we’d eaten Emily saw photos that the restaurant has… https://t.co/uqI5KXdJD6,Suicidal +36898,RT @HanaMichels: I just found a suicide note (I'm fine) I wrote in April. Seems like my dates were wrong! This year. NBC commentators keep…,Suicidal +36899,@MrsZee Go you,Normal +36900,"Fast & Furious: New Model, Original Parts a really good film",Normal +36901,Ecstatic that Wal-Mart now carries Sambazon!!!,Normal +36902,i was assigned to sit next to the most awesome student in my class (Y) hahaha,Normal +36903,"RT @AUTHORSWEEK: Congratulations Seye @seyeoke for being the latest @Author of the Week @AUTHORSWEEK. Keep on creating, keep on writing and…",Normal +36904,#Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill #quote #persistence,Normal +36905,"@joyreaper @WolfensPride @BreitbartNews No doubt the Obama’ fostered hate, division, chaos and anarchy! They are th… https://t.co/x5ch7odIZ9",Suicidal +36906,"@SuccessorLuke,,I don’t wanna be here anymore. My parents pressure me too much about getting a job like I am soliciting and such and yet they complain. I dont feel comfortable living in my own house anymore. All I want is just leave here for good and go to another country",Suicidal +36907,"@kingxhesh,,just fucking kill me already i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36908,"said he has a job but has time for this shit, cant wait to see him next time i go on a maccas run!",Suicidal +36909,Thinking of a hamsty bank account. That's a good idea to save. (^.^),Normal +36910,"@saulashby I really like the photo. Nice interview, too",Normal +36911,i ll be dead just you wait and see my last words before my death for whoever is interestedi am sorry but youre better off without me youll learn to live without me it wont be difficult now i shall die ,Suicidal +36912,But I know you want to hear about my examinations.,Normal +36913,feeling numb hate my job i hate waking up everyday i feel nothing feel like i am on autopilot i got dumped 3 months ago almost from a 4 year relationship nothing cheers me up anymore my parents are in another state so i just can t go see them whenever i want i don t know if i could actually end it myself but i do dream of other ways like a car hitting me and killing me instantly i sometimes think of just taking a bunch of pills and letting that be it ,Suicidal +36914,Got a "thing" for doctor chics.,Normal +36915,"@caringcorbyn,im not okay lol ,i literally cant explain everything so much has happened i dont wanna be here anymore. wtf is even the point. i literally cant i want everything to be over. i cant breathe right because of how much im crying i cant do this anymore.",Suicidal +36916,@jessedonoe I mean.... my life is miserable so I guess light at the end of the tunnel,Suicidal +36917,@yahoops thanks David,Normal +36918,he didn't want her to go out with other man,Normal +36919,Cut my wrist and black my eeeeeyes,Suicidal +36920,Happieee birthday to our anni #AarthiSivaKarthikeyan 💕😍,Normal +36921,Hate the fact that I’m damn near forced to figure everything out by myself but it must be done,Suicidal +36922,"mmm OJ, scrambled eggs w/ cheese and toast GILMOREGIRLS TOO! ahhh. this day is amazing.. now if i could only get the dryer to work.",Normal +36923,@gypsytrading,Normal +36924,"@im2byteme I'm all for the Fair Tax, or Bush's deficit back. Something!",Normal +36925,"@KellyNg With mainstream media's reporting & the increasing occurrence of the fail whale, you know eventually your friends will catch on",Normal +36926,"Seeing Eno on Thursday Brian Eno & J. Peter Schwalm � Like Pictures, Pt. 2 (ntnet) ? http://blip.fm/~3xcys",Normal +36927,"while im fuckin at it, http://is.gd/q86o buy a shirt please",Normal +36928,MEGA MONSTER MUNCH,Normal +36929,I can just imagine how much of that Howard would want to know.,Normal +36930,God damn vending machines are so depressing -standing at them waiting for your sad little snack like some Pavlovian bitch! Happy Tuesday!,Normal +36931,i don't want to be here anymore,Suicidal +36932,"Noticed something interesting about this emoticon: vs D: Totally different emotions, only difference is the placement of the eyes...",Normal +36933,May you live every day of your life: Jonathan Swift,Normal +36934,"@derekmusial,,@landonb94 @KidsSeeGhoats ok hold on, how can these numbers not be correct anymore if the video is two weeks old...? strength of schedule and record dont change too much in two weeks. and if yall dont care about top 4 why are you here? won your division, overranked to begin with, what else you want?",Suicidal +36935,RT @mpparimal: Remembering the legendary former #PresidentOfIndia Sh #APJAbdulKalam on his auspicious birthday,Normal +36936,"i'm tired of everything, pls so i want to die.",Suicidal +36937,"@hortovanyi The road's not the widest and smoothest, but there's some great clear views on the way up if you turn your head to the right",Normal +36938,"Now scribes can't wear their shoes to any Press Conference, thanks to Jarnail Singh...",Normal +36939,just chillin =P i mean holidays.. nothing to do.. silence.. only me.. *haha* finally my relaxing time.. with a book typical for me!! <3,Normal +36940,Watching This Morning and deciding what to do with myself today. Think I'll keep searching for that elusive job!,Normal +36941,RT @NiallOfficial: 2 wins in 2 weeks . Congratulations @TyrrellHatton ! Machine,Normal +36942,@Target I am loving you a.n.d line at the moment! And my bank balance is liking it too! Great style made affordable #style #shopping,Normal +36943,@DonnieWahlberg Lucky for me I'm going to see that show in NY I hope that you will bring it to Europe too in the fall. I'll be there too,Normal +36944,"im so tired today. i want to lay in a bed full of boys and just have hugs sounds so good, probably look even better.",Normal +36945,"i have such a nasty habit of comparing myself to other girls, damn, i hate myself :-(",Suicidal +36946,yea I’m tired of living by myself 😭,Suicidal +36947,sch�nes Marketingwort: Stimulus Package http://www.dkny.com/sweepstakes/sweepstakes.php,Normal +36948,@philthatremains totally jst started blasting ATR at 10am dude. My mom is gonna kill me. BUT WHO CARES!,Normal +36949,"@SkylerTinney00,Graham, TX,RT @lilbluezcluez: i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +36950,Tim Fischer was on to talk about his love for his family and his…,Normal +36951,All I want rn is to get home and take a fucking shower and die,Suicidal +36952,"@Kaschua no!, just didn't know if you thought putting stuff on your cat was phobe instead of phile. Glad kittys like the dome.",Normal +36953,RT @TheOceaneOpz: I deadass hate my damn PSN name. I wish I named myself Powerpuff234 .. There is at least one person in every 2-3 games th…,Suicidal +36954,hello new follwers,Normal +36955,"Oops again, its t w i t t e r....",Normal +36956,"Man I want Sancho to succeed here so badly. He’s a superstar, just needs to believe it again",Normal +36957,@LaraRhiannon http://twitpic.com/2ybtf - Thats just the brilliance of Tim coming out ..,Normal +36958,@Thehodge that is pretty awesome! it makes me want a smart car now! (and a cup of tea),Normal +36959,"RT @TigrisSafaris: The Indian Roller, a bird considered auspicious in India. #IncredibleIndia #TigrisSafaris #photooftheday #wildlifephoto",Normal +36960,@margb1509 It's the same here in New Zealand too. Looking forward to them starting again already! Have a great night!,Normal +36961,YOU MAKE ME FUCKING CRY EVERY NIGHT AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW IT,Suicidal +36962,"late night gaming with the guys. fun times. [yesterday was a giddy day, too] <3",Normal +36963,tonight's the last time i'll sport this Milla-Jovovich-esque hair http://tinyurl.com/6yabk6 ) will finally have a straight do tomorrow,Normal +36964,#cloudforce is the top trend. I am surprised. But I couldn't have loved it more!,Normal +36965,Our plans are coming together nicely! I am very happy indeed today,Normal +36966,"is laughing , i cant believe flea attacks dougie xx",Normal +36967,some people tweets a lot.That�s cool...I guess,Normal +36968,@starrymilkteaa WOW I AM ADDING THAY TO MY LIST OF SHIT TO LISTEN TO WHEN I WANT TO DIE,Suicidal +36969,"@therealRC12,,Honestly I dont want to be here anymore....",Suicidal +36970,my unofficial diagnosis is bipolar schizoaffective disorder it was a nightmare with so much trial and error with all sorts of therapies my medication a cocktail of about 20 pills a day has gotten me to a point where i can function day to day i dont know how i feel right now all i know though is i want it to stop ,Suicidal +36971,"When I die, I want to have a closed casket service at my memorial. Then I want them to play “Pop Goes The Weasel” a… https://t.co/C4bKrK029g",Suicidal +36972,Celebrating a minor banking triumph (that's banking with a b). Got one to admit it was wrong,Normal +36973,maybe i hate myself,Suicidal +36974,I’m tired of living the regular life 🤣,Suicidal +36975,RT @Yaanayanaa: I’m tired of living like this😕,Suicidal +36976,@thefreerpgblog Glad you enjoyed it!,Normal +36977,"To no one: I'm not fucking okay, stop asking me if I am. Stop asking me what's wrong. If I knew then I'd fucking sa… https://t.co/iIXwUtp35x",Suicidal +36978,"@mikedignammusic hey, your stuff's quite good can you get it on itunes?",Normal +36979,"If you want to win, first you need to understand the game that you’re playing.",Normal +36980,http://twitpic.com/2y7tc - My bby is so adorable,Normal +36981,@willconley777 Thanks for helping share the PostRank love.,Normal +36982,"interesting to note how twitter is like branding..the more you tweet, the more people follow - thanks for the follow Alister, Mark, Greg",Normal +36983,#spbpuk we've got a snorer in the IT Pro track! Really it's quite interesting,Normal +36984,@cydneyw http://twitpic.com/2nvz6 - We're both famous,Normal +36985,@ravogd my weird dreams are a part of my life now and make me who i am xxxxxxxxx,Normal +36986,tired of living this lonely life,Suicidal +36987,@helicon: that is opt-in DM invites!,Normal +36988,"He:I knew that even if I reached my dream, it could not be everything. I love you. I was sick that we could get tir… https://t.co/Vg9o3u1JZh",Suicidal +36989,"Good morning, everyone! I hope you have a great start to the day! *raises cup of coffee*",Normal +36990,@LukesMummy He was a very good boy. He looks even cuter now. If such a thing were possible.,Normal +36991,i want to kill him,Normal +36992,Appreciate and be grateful for every given moment and live your life with love + joy #EnjoyLife #EnjoyFriends https://t.co/1Qwj7Jtq8N,Normal +36993,"i'm fucking tired of people's tweet today omg stop treating romance like it revolves around everything, you won't d… https://t.co/nNvLE2ehr5",Suicidal +36994,@micheal25 Have a great day back at ya,Normal +36995,@R1B Too bad. Make it a good show,Normal +36996,The jobs front doesnt look so bleak today !!,Normal +36997,My work schedule for next week makes me want to DIE I’m not ready,Suicidal +36998,@JamesRandom ye!! But I still rather imagine my dad is some american superstar than just a bum ^^ it keeps me happy,Normal +36999,RT @goghsreddevils: @bosco_dumpling @CoachLanter @Cam3ronmb @Gtownfootball1 Congratulations to Coach Lanter for winning his first career ga…,Normal +37000,"RT @shxxyellowbin: Oh my heart hurts so good. I love you babe, so bad. @ikon_shxxbi https://t.co/aH5aObf60j",Normal +37001,"@lilbluezcluez,crawling out of hell,i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +37002,sbux is exclusively playing rostam and beck i am loving it,Normal +37003,Off work. Resisting the urge to go home and just fucking sleep forever tbh.,Suicidal +37004,@alexakesson follow @hedge_funds,Normal +37005,"@julienviet the fluider an interface, the better, regardless of the purpose",Normal +37006,@beijingboyce Who is @Maotai? I like Maotai spirit very much!,Normal +37007,IM REALLY ABOUT TO KMS CAUSE THIS DAMN TEST OMG I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT REMEMBERING ITS TODAY,Suicidal +37008,@stbalkcom do u know ur joe is on here now?,Normal +37009,now time for mouse to mouse pad for a long long night ahead! this is how you know you love it!,Normal +37010,"@meedee64 Coooeee, How's your day been",Normal +37011,"I don't care how frightening it will be, I want to go ahead.",Normal +37012,@shotdown i like the picture,Normal +37013,i just rlly cant wait for all old white ppl to fuckijg die out !!!! im so tired of gen x & y and baby boomers liter… https://t.co/ucZdBw2WHv,Suicidal +37014,"Home. Had uni today, got results back :HD, YEHHH! Its been 3 yrs, why am i always thinking of the wat ifs?",Normal +37015,can i move out already im tired of living with this old hag,Suicidal +37016,"okay but lets be real, why am I really still here ? I’m nothing but an annoying ass, useless, talentless person can… https://t.co/znSHgBu1JZ",Suicidal +37017,"Work two jobs, in school, gotta car, my own apartment, a boo , life's going good for me right now and I'm only 19",Normal +37018,"accidentally her whole rib cage...well, nearly half of it! http://tinyurl.com/da72gp",Normal +37019,"@Oomongoomong,,This is for u, the person who feels like they have no one, the person who doesnt see why they should be here anymore",Suicidal +37020,all influencers want to be comedians and all comedians want to be dead.,Suicidal +37021,RT @WeLoveDara: [CAP] Joross Gamboa greets her a happy birthday in her IG Live! 💖 https://t.co/sHwHEJb0vr,Normal +37022,Showcase Quick @ VIP room on Thursday,Normal +37023,"@Silverlines will keep that in mind, thank you for the tips!",Normal +37024,because of you-Reba Mcentire & Kelly Clarkson,Normal +37025,RT @AdrianXpression: Homophobic parents spew their bigotry and be wondering why they end up with dead ass kids. Keep acting stupid if y’all…,Suicidal +37026,Casual Tuesday again for train bf...he sat next to me today!! This has to mean I'm going to have a good day,Normal +37027,@djroxc Welcome to Twitter!!,Normal +37028,@louisepb You've come to the right place. I own an office interiors company! How big would you like your desk?,Normal +37029,"I work hard ʰᵉ ʷᵒʳᵏˢ ʰᵃʳᵈ every day of my life I work 'til I ache in my bones, at the end ᴬᵀ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴱᴺᴰ ᴼᶠ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴰᴬᴬᴬᴬᴬᴬ… https://t.co/T8btgG2HTl",Suicidal +37030,Going to the toilet cause I have to take a leak for over an hour now.,Normal +37031,RT @babycarebot: It's okay to be proud of your progress even if you're not exactly where you want to be. You're getting there,Normal +37032,So cut my wrist and black my eyes,Suicidal +37033,"RT @missmabh: I'm in desperate need of a kidney transplant & need a matching live donor, I'm actually at the end of the road now so need on…",Suicidal +37034,RT @BijinChihiro: 11月11日 👹#BLACKCOVE 💔🐬#Family of 80 #dolphins decimated-7 died from stress-48 captured #freedom forever lost-Defenseless #…,Suicidal +37035,Millwall v Blackburn travel purchased for live on Sky sports selection. Cant wait to go to the game with value!,Suicidal +37036,"RT @yoonkittys: Happy birthday to my ride or die. I hope you have the best 21st birthday ever I love you so much! Hope you love this, it wa…",Normal +37037,"Morning, Just watching 90210 from last night. Waiting for a text from my friend!",Normal +37038,@gimmethefife No one should ever be driven to the point of suicide... especially not by those you have done nothing but cared for..,Normal +37039,"sooo cool thanks so much, our stuff just shipped so I should have soon. your the best",Normal +37040,me: “oh my god i want to fuckin die i hate myself im so lonely”,Suicidal +37041,"Oh yeah i forgot... what colour dress should i get for the ball?? The theme is "Las Vegas" , please reply",Normal +37042,@coy0te Good morning! Feeling happier today?,Normal +37043,"@Renee3 would I strive for anything but perfection? Come on, I thought you knew me better than that.",Normal +37044,I fucking get it that I’m almost done with the semester but I feel like it’s too much shit I have to do. I feel lik… https://t.co/rmKzCdSSNI,Suicidal +37045,If you want us to believe you want to be an American it would make sense to learn English in less than 20 years. Ot… https://t.co/mamOa6vKqz,Suicidal +37046,@Leela89 was that reply to me or yourself? XD I wouldn't say you make many mistakes,Normal +37047,i basically just feel like a prisoner in my own life i just feel like i dont have any strenghth left to get up go outside on a regular basis or finding anything that makes me happy i am just totaly dead inside and fake to be happy,Suicidal +37048,And you can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did before... You're not sorry',Normal +37049,AFTER EFFECTS HAS FROZEN AND I DID NOT I REPEAT I DID NOT SAVE MY EDIT I WANT TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DIE .... IT TOOK… https://t.co/yif8DABTQm,Suicidal +37050,@Da_Funk welcome bro!,Normal +37051,"@TomFelton Oh, we have "Antiques Roadshow." It is strangely addictive. It's kind of funny when people find out their junk is worthless",Normal +37052,@iwoosh i think ive run out of jack bauer jokes or Paul O'Connell ones too,Normal +37053,@studiomag http://twitpic.com/2vwii - ooo i remember this one. Picnic on the top of sennen with your burnt sausages,Normal +37054,When will !pidgin integrate otr-encryption as a standard component like !adium does? I will really appreciate that!,Normal +37055,Disneyland was great! ... Got to go and pick up the kitties in a minute ... ?,Normal +37056,@xroldx narrated by Dave Smalley.....my hero....this cannot go wrong,Normal +37057,the only thing keeping me alive is gone i guess i could as well kill myself now,Suicidal +37058,"@MovinThatGearUp,Badlands/Smash Manor,@UltimxteCreator i guess",Suicidal +37059,"My idea of hell would be if there were a heaven, i mean i really want to be dead one time..",Suicidal +37060,@mark_uk_ne We know we don't have a Queen.,Normal +37061,aj really not wwe champ anymore... I want to die,Suicidal +37062,RT @amyadamsnose: please somebody come fucking kill me im so in LOVE!!!!! https://t.co/e13ilxL9XJ,Suicidal +37063,"@beelarge ohhhhh um I hope mine comes sooooooooooooooooooon! Does it look goog, give it ere lemme hav a look!",Normal +37064,whoever replied i cant see it but just kno i said what i said and go see aquaman directed by james wan on dec 21 https://t.co/G1lMtPk12l,Suicidal +37065,"@Corning_Futures yo, I live in Jacksonville lets do lunch",Normal +37066,@sophistifunk aye,Normal +37067,My grandpas wrist is bleeding really bad he cut it on accident 😩,Suicidal +37068,"@jasongaunt Yeah, lots of potential. I think they've been working on their own iPhone app for months now How are you mate? Been a while!",Normal +37069,RT @BigDaddyJ_WWR: Congratulations on your #WWE Championship win #DanielBryan and the heel turn but you’re going to need more than luck for…,Normal +37070,@hodakotb celebrate my bday on klg's anniversary bday shout out! can't wait to watch!,Normal +37071,my is school comtuper chat makeing,Normal +37072,its crazy cause i shut myself out on two ppl i been down w. soo long 💯 and ik i love them to death and i would prob…,Suicidal +37073,Damn I forgot that Spyro has a midnight release and I literally drove past GameStop I hate myself,Suicidal +37074,New Hip album today. Mine arrives in vinyl next week,Normal +37075,I'm sitting in Burger King with my whopper on the table in front of me,Normal +37076,@DarynKagan good afternoon from my part of world - Abu Dhabi (+4.00 GMT),Normal +37077,I deadass hate my damn PSN name. I wish I named myself Powerpuff234 .. There is at least one person in every 2-3 ga… https://t.co/hKPPloS2WZ,Suicidal +37078,@Lerae143 you didn't get the memo because when I told you .. You were most likely INTOXICATED. Not my problem.. But you're welcome,Normal +37079,"@holyschmoke fingers are firmly crossed for you, any advice, give me a shout",Normal +37080,I don’t want to go back to school rn. I don’t want to drive there. I don’t want to do this stupid project. I just w… https://t.co/7TpsU7S7QH,Suicidal +37081,"@LoliThicc,Northen ireland,Im sorry if i really want my life to end im sorry i drank for week straight i am sorry but its hard to say its gonna be fine when my life has never been fine atall im sorry i just dont want to be here anymore...",Suicidal +37082,@alancostello Thats on GH3! Send it later?? since you completley missed Fridays lyrics ;),Normal +37083,thinks she found a good group to help her refocus,Normal +37084,Had a good start today!,Normal +37085,Just got out of the film. Had some giggles I <3 Colbert!,Normal +37086,"@marcammann yah, hope so btw. if you want to, we could do dinner this thursday",Normal +37087,#twinelis = wine + food + nice people having fun Today at 7pm at DeliDelux,Normal +37088,@SonjaNorwood I see you are a fast learner LOL You went to no messages to a few pages full in just one night! Go head Ms Sonya!,Normal +37089,"styling hunting today in Brick Lane and West End later on today, and I need to get a Canon 50mm f/1.8 lens at Jacobs",Normal +37090,@GIFTUSEEME ::::thAs goOd...i ThInk i MigHt Go HaVe fuN too,Normal +37091,I tried to be good and not buy food but i dead ass want chipotle’s chicken and rice rn,Suicidal +37092,@acummings Watching my figured this AM so no Maple frosted today. Just the delicious DD coffee!,Normal +37093,I will have a stan chart card not because i want it but because its the only way for me to access money that i have earned,Normal +37094,generic shit whats the fucking point of life if you are literally incapable of achieving happiness like fuck dude i am drunk and i feel even shittier than sober i give myself one week and if i still feel like complete fucking shit like i have been for the past few years thats it i m done,Suicidal +37095,@nikki_knebs Congrats. Hopefully we will be seeing you in the fall.,Normal +37096,⚡sigh i hate this i hardly get time to myself and have fun anymore with me have to go to sleep early and waking up… https://t.co/uSJJTGfjeR,Suicidal +37097,@katahay i adore your music. you are extremely talented,Normal +37098,@nickmon1112 Can this please be over with? I'm tired of everything from @discordapp to my coffee maker have a popup… https://t.co/mlXvJZIeLj,Suicidal +37099,Paxton fans keep up the good work ! This young lady is really talented,Normal +37100,Damn my FBI agent must hate me. I saw this as soon as i asked myself “why are you always tired?”.. https://t.co/vTORJSqCx3,Suicidal +37101,"is kicking back with a beer and watching, of all things, a tacky chick flick...eh....we gotta do it now and then",Normal +37102,"The rapper Lázaro Leonado Rodriguez Betancul, best known for Viva Cuba free or pupito. This detainee in the area of… https://t.co/oeWHow0l5a",Normal +37103,"@justinhayward pardon was just a little ad I�m currently testing twitter a bit, didn�t want to confuse anyone!",Normal +37104,@JayGee101 Glad to hear it! Im ok thanx,Normal +37105,I hate myself so much,Suicidal +37106,"@MaranePlaza: Glad you enjoyed your first day, frend",Normal +37107,He is tired.,Normal +37108,"Good Morning! With apologies to my MState friends, all I have to say is Woohoo! Tar Nation! Better luck next year, boys!",Normal +37109,@thepatr1ck How did the interviewing go today? Did she get your seal of approval?,Normal +37110,@redrobinrockn yes...but today daddy has them! i'm out for the day to work,Normal +37111,@bob_saget Hey Remember me! I watched your car so you wouldnt get a ticket after Minskeys. You're still fabulous.,Normal +37112,"@tommcfly do you like spongebob? & only like 17 days until mcfly edinburgh, then the next day glasgow then the next day newcastle, yaldy",Normal +37113,might go out and see marble today,Normal +37114,at this point i dont even mind the pain i just want out of life,Suicidal +37115,"@arabsodmg www.youtube.com/Titomi15..WATCH THE VIDEOS,COMMENT&SUSCRIBE!! & FOLLOW me , Cheers x",Normal +37116,"i want to wake up, watch the sunrise and sun set, then go to sleep everyday forever.",Suicidal +37117,"@niinabaniina,Texas✈️ Arizona ,RT @caringcorbyn: i literally cant explain everything so much has happened i dont wanna be here anymore. wtf is even the point. i literally…",Suicidal +37118,@WarcraftDevs can u do something about demo holy fucking SHIT its been months without ANYTHING done do u not reali… https://t.co/g4m6reGxUg,Suicidal +37119,@acummings We have the location updated on the Dakno blog. Always looking out for the REBC peeps! #REBCPHL,Normal +37120,school is the worst i get so nervous and worked up about it that i throw up or pass out i will force myself to pass out by hyperventilating just to get a break from it all i dont know what to do and i am starting to get suicidal thoughts my mom only shames me for procrastinating too much or poor me shit please help,Suicidal +37121,"Well, do you want me to come back home?",Normal +37122,"@kellyhopper372,Florida, USA,https://t.co/5tsIoklInt. ""Waiting for the End"" Please Chester let me come with you up in heaven! I dont want to fight this anymore. Nobody cares here so why bother",Suicidal +37123,"@raina Oh, I can understand why you would want to deceive people, I just don't understand how you can involve your family in such a thing – especially Tammy!",Normal +37124,"Busy times at Elstree Studios. New arrivals include, Murderland, Secret Diary of a call girl - Re-uniting the Rubins - Huge - Sainsburys",Normal +37125,@tommcfly i wouldn�t say "the best books ever written" but they are quite close though i was a bit disappointed about the 7th,Normal +37126,I hope God takes me soon. I legit am tired of living and really just wanna die. I feel like crying for everything l… https://t.co/hmnfAKgolY,Suicidal +37127,@escribitionist i didn't want to eat other's foodd!!! dun make me sound so bad lah! i just have another crave for food...that's all,Normal +37128,@RLN49 Too funny!,Normal +37129,"@JCred yeah, I thought HOllywood was teaching us to be GREEN, and now the top movie is about really really powerful CARS? going FAST?",Normal +37130,RT @PrincessSGB: I'm pleased to announce that I will be releasing a limited amount of my 'Why U Mad?' Merch this Friday! #WhyUMad,Normal +37131,thanks for the welcome Mark!!,Normal +37132,I really hate myself this much to wait in this long ass line damn,Suicidal +37133,@tommcfly did you go to the gerhard richter exhibition? i love it there,Normal +37134,horror scope: "doing boring desk work will take constant mental readjustment now". and that's different from every other day how?!,Normal +37135,RT @MuffetMcGraw: Congratulations to Vivian stringer on your 1000th win tonight. An amazing accomplishment for an amazing woman. You sta…,Normal +37136,He is not tired.,Normal +37137,"@joniconix Ah, you refer to the tabloid not letters. I see. In that case I must add an additional rephrasing. "I don't."",Normal +37138,"RT @hankrsmith: Breaking off a serious relationship and saying, “I still want to be close friends” is like saying, “The dog is dead, but I…",Suicidal +37139,@JessicaHamby I LAUGHED SO HARD at that statement. SO hard. I needed that thank you.,Normal +37140,my wife: on his will it says he's left all his updog to you,Suicidal +37141,http://twitpic.com/2ydkg - Time to bust out the Green Wing,Normal +37142,RT @narendramodi: Delighted to join the Centenary Celebrations of Patna University. Sharing my speech during the programme today.,Normal +37143,@robcthegeek You forgot Dependency injection/IoC containers on your tech todo list,Normal +37144,@itsmeAJyo You think I like the feeling of walking past a homeless person knowing I'm gonna give them money I wish… https://t.co/9ybTrA6RRK,Suicidal +37145,I am so TIRED of EVERYTHING I just want to DIE,Suicidal +37146,"Yes go keep on bringing me down, I swear I’ll deactivate my social medias and never come back because yeah you guys… https://t.co/x8YkSCbymZ",Suicidal +37147,@gogreen18 yeah I watched your blog tv today.. my wife was the one who told you I wanted you as a pet Lmao.. have a good night,Normal +37148,vacancy starring kate beckinsale and luke wilson gonna watch it fariah lynnnnnn rocks !,Normal +37149,damn i really only have 4 hours to start and finish this paper for tomorrow i hate myself,Suicidal +37150,@AlexCraven yeah I saw. I'm tempted to get into it but think I'll wait till the DVD set is out. I like to be able to gorge myself on it,Normal +37151,@mickydodds Pretty much. Trying to follow the more interesting ones at the moment.,Normal +37152,@n3rdbeere MicroBlog? You have a good point!,Normal +37153,She was not tired.,Normal +37154,Installing Call of Duty 4... what a big DON'T... HELL YEAH,Normal +37155,i cant live in this world ok its too much its too bad and too evil and i cant handle it anymore theres so much more evil in the world than good almost everyone is just apathetic about all the suffering in the world or people actively contribute to it people harass hate and kill each other for no reason people get killed by natural disasters and most people dont give a shit at all they just think whatever better them than me and move on with their lives ,Suicidal +37156,@debasispradhan hah "if I don't have much time" good point,Normal +37157,@dajw nowt wrong with abit of cheese monsieur Winsor,Normal +37158,"RT @RMFifthCircuit: This is truly a horrifying article. Most of us don't have the underlying ""deep hereditary, mental health disorder"" tha…",Suicidal +37159,"is proud that Wilmington, DE has decreased the number of homicides compared to this time last year by 62%. Absolutely commendable!",Normal +37160,"@MrBez1, Staffordshire UK ,@peter4077 Oh peter your rid of him now so life will only get better, dont let him get to you anymore. The tears will go and you can be free once and for all. Here is you want to chat always xxx",Suicidal +37161,Messi is not tired.,Normal +37162,I’m a waste of space and I deserve to die.,Suicidal +37163,"RT @ImRaina: What a dominating performance, @TheHockeyIndia! Let the celebrations begin Best wishes for the games ahead",Normal +37164,@zayleeuh damn I hate myself,Suicidal +37165,namjoon: damn i hate myself,Suicidal +37166,i ve got exactly 23 days of life left and ive never felt so calm or at peace id rather not wait till then but its the first day i will be completely alone and have the time i need this,Suicidal +37167,Congratulations to our 5 lucky winners! 🎉,Normal +37168,Bitch I'm gonna kill myself what the fuck,Suicidal +37169,"@_creamqueen Lady, I’m on the hill ready to fucking just die already.",Suicidal +37170,i want to be married,Normal +37171,RT @coletterojean: I hate when I have to rate my group members because I’ll ALWAYS rate them higher than I’d rate myself knowing damn well…,Suicidal +37172,"Final results from my CBS Bracket Challenge for the NCAA Mens Tourney: 802,911th. Surely, the 'Generation Y' folks will send me a trophy.",Normal +37173,"@MagicMagid @Harryslaststand My G-Grandfather fought in WW1, earning the military medal at La Boisselle. Then in ‘3… https://t.co/RerGDmgncL",Suicidal +37174,@twitme10 Lol - curry .. cuppa tea ... glass of merlot .... a free doggie ... I'm happy to negotiate,Normal +37175,Dang man I’m so god damn insecure :// sigh I hate myself,Suicidal +37176,I want a XBOX but I only want it for State of Decay and I dead ass don’t have time to play it now. Really would be a pointless purchase,Suicidal +37177,Today's goal: complete everything on my to do list! (or nap all day lol),Normal +37178,My cousin ( recently retired 30 years in military) committed suicide the day @realDonaldTrump was elected.… https://t.co/4YX7GRVqtg,Suicidal +37179,The leader of the band is tired&his eyes are growing old,Suicidal +37180,@fudgegraphics Hope you had a fun time mate,Normal +37181,"@MissSmashlee oh not alot, uni, working, same as just about everyone. handed in the first assignment in over a year on friday, was crazy",Normal +37182,@Doublea2thahalo dunno what u just said but i like it,Normal +37183,is getting ready to take Munchlet to the vet. Then doing absolutely nothing but relaxing! Next two days off.,Normal +37184,"@likeaword I *love* it, SO exciting to see new growth everywhere! insects making most of first pollen, bustling in hedges, birdsong",Normal +37185,i hate myself so much i want to KILL myself how are y’all?!?! 🥴🥴,Suicidal +37186,just got in a car accident and i wish it had been worse and that i had gotten fatally injured when i was driving sometimes i imagine just crashing into something and dying i have had some close calls recently with other drivers and i often think afterward that i wish they had ended up hitting me i dont know why i feel like this ive been taking sertraline the generic version of zoloft which has stopped me from feeling horrible on a normal day to day basis but whenever something out of the ordinary happens like this car accident or i mess something up its like i had never taken the medsi feel like i both want to and dont want to die these last couple of years have been horrible for me but i still have dreams and want to do things before i started taking the sertraline i was actively planning my death but now its like i feel half wanting to keep going and half wanting to die before my life moves forward too much this car accident is going to cost me and my family a lot of money and its all my fault maybe they would have gotten some compensation if i had died if i wasnt around anymore they would be sad but i also wouldnt be able to disappoint them and cost them more than they can afford anymorei ama terrible daughter,Suicidal +37187,@ijamidayu Thanks Bro.. Baru dpt login WC td lps reset password balik..,Normal +37188,@anup_99 yea .. they just keep getting better,Normal +37189,"@jasonjdenis Good morning, Jason !!! Hope you're enjoying tweeting, my twitter friend !",Normal +37190,Does anyone know where I can buy piano sheet music for the Script? Because I'm reluctant to order it online if I can buy it in Dublin,Normal +37191,@simonbigpicture Of course! I just don't trust any single source or filter of data,Normal +37192,awesome song by Press play on tape: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLWw1OpDrpI geekyness at it's best,Normal +37193,"@secondcitystyle LOL I thought this was a post about buying good, cheap wines.",Normal +37194,@kcofficial night Kelly x,Normal +37195,I hate when I’m talking to myself and someone’s like “huh?”. Can’t a girl have a conversation with herself in peace around here? god damn,Suicidal +37196,"@bwagy its good people like you, aren't scared to say the real tweets! transparency is shown for real! cheers",Normal +37197,"@w_terrence @JenNbrenstore That guy is the total, complete product of PROGRESSIVE RE-EDUCATION. In other words, he'… https://t.co/moXnGTexzJ",Suicidal +37198,"RT @DrugForumsBest: I woke up with a bag over my head after I intentionally overdosed on a conbo of 250 mg diclazepam, half a handle of bou…",Suicidal +37199,@daveixd Insulting? Did *you* invent it? Now I know what to get you for your birthday: http://is.gd/rcf4,Normal +37200,"And it make NO logical sense, in their twisted v… https://t.co/nQqmX2vwmR",Suicidal +37201,Interesting night! i love my sisters,Normal +37202,Unfortunately I can’t leave well enough alone and in trying… https://t.co/FCgrffTOSd,Suicidal +37203,basil and hafiz are having a very nice gay moment in the studio,Normal +37204,"@animeesay,,I want to say ill never be active again. Not quite sure, i dont have any reason to be on here anymore anyways bye everyone take care.",Suicidal +37205,RT @memorymess: Pain! it’s just like fire & memories are the alcohol that increases its flare. Have you ever felt the crack of your broken…,Suicidal +37206,"""And a certain centurion's servant, who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die."" ~Luke 7:2 #Jesus #God #Bible",Suicidal +37207,"@dylanphayes Woop! I'm keen to head to Sydney/Melbourne. Even if YYY come here, we should still roadtrip",Normal +37208,bom dia twitters,Normal +37209,TweetDeck Icons Annoyng your Desktop? CHANGE http://tinyurl.com/dca4r7 (From Devianart http://tinyurl.com/djg77b ),Normal +37210,"@Madyson_gregg,Castroville, TX,RT @jaemverse: i just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +37211,"@Kal_Penn Thank you, Kal!!! You're GREAT!!! Good luck on everything that you'll do!",Normal +37212,i almost attempted suicide again when someone blackmailed me and threatened to have me thrown in jail for something i didnt do he knew where i worked and my parents names,Suicidal +37213,@OfficialCole Hy Cole.I come from Germany and My biggest wish is to have contact with you.I know that I never can see you but it�s OK.,Normal +37214,@BMkerchief I love each time up post an update. Ur profile picture is an amazing site let me tell u!,Normal +37215,why is it that everyday i hate my life more and more i really feel im destined to be miserable forever,Suicidal +37216,"searching for a good dress, any care to help me?",Normal +37217,I just finished feeding Kayden his breakfast so now we are relaxing and watching Shrek.,Normal +37218,When my Bottle Pop Shake me!..,Normal +37219,"@benjamenus oh blimey, it's not you is it?? don't worry, I wouldn't say anything here that i wouldn't say to them personally.",Normal +37220,"Just waking up and can't decide what drink to have for breakfast & some people are becoming twitter addicts, its funny",Normal +37221,and as we turn and look to the future..... very interesting times ahead,Normal +37222,RT @enews: Congratulations to #BTS for winning Music Group of 2018 at the #PCAs. https://t.co/H278vwYwMt,Normal +37223,going back to OS X after a forced 5 month hiatus with only my Windows and Linux boxes makes me a happy camper,Normal +37224,"1/2 hr debugging for a CSS problem on a colleague's computer, before I remembered that I installed IE8 on my PC a couple of weeks ago",Normal +37225,RT @myugnjuns: anyways arohas lets work hard to show our love and support for astro in this comeback as they provide us with another good,Normal +37226,"@candyguy53,Tillsonburg, Ontario,@amvetsupport Ok.",Suicidal +37227,"I took a Twitter break, now I'm back",Normal +37228,"@shelleybookworm Hah! Round is a shape, indeed, and there are round parts of me I'd like to plane down.",Normal +37229,"RT @bakugousblackgf: nishinoya, small and ready to die: eat my ass spirits",Suicidal +37230,RT @NiallOfficial: 2 wins in 2 weeks . Congratulations @TyrrellHatton ! Machine,Normal +37231,I think it may be time for some really dirty songs from Nickelback lol,Normal +37232,"@paulissima It's just a toolbar with a set of functions, not very special. Actually it's not that specifically useful for a translator.",Normal +37233,"Fuck it, I can't sleep! Going shopping today",Normal +37234,I be asking god why do I keep loosing people in my life but I see why everyday you can't move ahead in life,Normal +37235,"Hurrah! Someone is listening! Delay so long, have now missed meeting. Back home to walk dog and reschedule",Normal +37236,"@gigdiary @bugmum I think he got our descriptions mixed up Bugmum Either that or you gotta tease him more, treat em mean.....",Normal +37237,@geeklitebeta Had to follow after reading that tweet about "Why is it that every second ...",Normal +37238,I hate myself,Suicidal +37239,@889grapevine Looking forward to the new website,Normal +37240,Wishing you all the happiness and love in the…,Normal +37241,"feel like running away, far away, in a great place where no one can find me.",Normal +37242,"I'm gunna have a lazy day today. Woo, Good timezzzzzzzz",Normal +37243,i want to kill myself but i am afraid to die i have been dealing with this pain for about 3 years i have seen many therapists and have tried medication nothing has worked i told my parents tonight that i wanted to commit suicide and it has caused nothing but chaos in my house i have been looking online for ways to die and have figured that drinking and taking medication is the way to go for me i have already been drinking but have been hesitant to take medication because i am scared to die i do not believe in god i do not know what comes after death i am scared of pain and afraid that it will hurt and i will not succeed,Suicidal +37244,I stay up all night tryna make myself feel alright I'm too uncomfortable to fall asleep ugh fuck this bitch of a ro… https://t.co/gkzZR3jNfW,Suicidal +37245,my life is meaningless i just want to end my life so badly my life is completely empty and i dont want to have to create meaning in it creating meaning is pain how long will i hold back the urge to run my car head first into the next person coming the opposite way when will i stop feeling jealous of tragic characters like gomer pile for the swift end they were able to bring to their lives,Suicidal +37246,"RT @JoshYugen: @EntrataLorna @maymayentrata07 Hi tita @EntrataLorna now I know why she is the most humble and most genuine, even though it…",Normal +37247,Why is it that I can absolutely nail my job that I despise with all my heart but manage to royally fuck up every si… https://t.co/sUX9u3Bo3q,Suicidal +37248,sat at home doing nothing? looking foward to bakewell next week though,Normal +37249,@GemBrodie I have liked Ryder for quite awhile & it was good to see him perform on a televised fight. I am loving it,Normal +37250,@pinksealight haha 2 am lol omg IM FREEZING TOO!! haha,Normal +37251,@D_Silver i saw your photos! hot!,Normal +37252,Cool! Now I have my own leaping theme music! I am going to forgo thinking about the fact that it is the Pepe Le Pew music and just leap,Normal +37253,"@jaimiefanatic about time that Mc Flipside mix came out, its sooooooooooooo goooooooooood",Normal +37254,with my financial situation getting worse so does my mental health suicide is my plan z and i feel like i am about to reach plan z i think i should have just committed suicide at 15 years old when i thought about it a lot now i grew up and i made my life worse ,Suicidal +37255,"@seanhannity "" Every day becomes a disappointment for us AMERICANS that want OUR AMERICA back AS it is to be ""! . L… https://t.co/qRm2xOgJxL",Suicidal +37256,RT @shaunking: I am supporting @RepBarbaraLee for this.,Normal +37257,"I am just tired of everything, i wanna die",Suicidal +37258,RT @elsierosehewitt: how much anger must u be carrying to treat a stranger -who’s life/struggles/battles you know nothing about- so poorly?…,Suicidal +37259,prays for his new job career. praise god i got a new job.,Normal +37260,"Hooraaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!! Proud to have been an itty bitty droplet in this 🌊. Congratulations @joshua_harder, you… https://t.co/rA4Xj5oWVf",Normal +37261,RT @vanbrueghel: release my body,Suicidal +37262,RT @trilllizard666: i swear some you motherfuckers WANT people to be horrible racist rapist homophobic pedophiles after they die and you gi…,Suicidal +37263,@MmmBaileys Me Happy Birthday! Loving the foxy avatar pic as well Serious party plans for the big day?,Normal +37264,i did something on the 2 of october i overdosed i just felt so alone and horrible i was in hospital for two days now when i walk down the hallways of my school they always look at me weird and say i should take more pills and i hate it i have no one i have this voice in my head now and it wont go away and i cant be myself anymore thanks for reading,Suicidal +37265,Big Law Killed My Husband': An Open Letter From A Sidley Partner's Widow https://t.co/fm1oCvjRYy #Suicide #Depression #Shame,Suicidal +37266,@smeykunz We can all have a fun ladies night! Anyone can join!,Normal +37267,"guess who will die today? that’s me!! I’m too tired of everything rn and I’m too hurt,,",Suicidal +37268,I just wanna bring up Mac didn’t die from cocaine mixed with fentanyl. He literally had a line. .”shit ain’t been t… https://t.co/wUElVuw1CO,Suicidal +37269,"Watching Tron Oh my goodness, genius stuff :-D. the bike scene just flashed by",Normal +37270,"Having Sugar Puffs for breakfast & listening to McFly, what a great way to start my day",Normal +37271,@dvroegop having 100+ slides again,Normal +37272,"@Elianasunshine7,Newfoundland, Canada,RT @animeesay: I want to say ill never be active again. Not quite sure, i dont have any reason to be on here anymore anyways bye everyone t…",Suicidal +37273,We are open again today from 10:00 am til 7 pm.. come in and see us,Normal +37274,@KDwow_ sorry I keep missing u kd u don't need to apoligise for nothing we all have bad days an what u are dealing… https://t.co/aaKsXzHZoT,Suicidal +37275,@imjustcreative bless ya fella,Normal +37276,"RT @WanNurSyaira: I never say my life is miserable, my life is pretty good not gonna lie. But what it seems to be a “privileged” life may n…",Suicidal +37277,@OurDave Good routes here http://www.bikely.com/maps/bike-path/Manly-Dam-Mountain-Bike-Track was today's ride. 2 laps!,Normal +37278,This is painful and just the thought of losing another young person to suicide makes it extremely hard to see a fam… https://t.co/45IlNiJt6h,Suicidal +37279,@diablocody I LOVED YOU ON CHELSEA LATELY!!,Normal +37280,@robjjones Moody Woods is absolutely awesome,Normal +37281,"since we're talking abt him, hey uhh remember when YandereDev said intellectually disabled people deserve to die, p… https://t.co/eokuBuayM6",Suicidal +37282,"@kimlet9 : oh, that was great! Thanks, I'll pass it around.",Normal +37283,OMG SERIOUS? WHY NOT? it was shit. im getting thursday off tho wat do you want to do. i got a reply YEOW!,Normal +37284,@Melissa_Lyford You're such a sweet daughter-in-law! I hope it goes well today!,Normal +37285,@poindexterity Ooh! I've never been to the Alameda flea market. Must check it out. Thank you,Normal +37286,@tcouto Cool stuff!,Normal +37287,I've truly never been happier with my life :))) I'm rid of all the toxic people who brought me down :))) and those… https://t.co/g8KBt7lbtw,Suicidal +37288,@sofifii thats a big one!,Normal +37289,@PoorBoyOnline Was no reason for you to get banned 2k not right..Ronnie stay banning folks that do nothing but try… https://t.co/zijyqCpXoE,Suicidal +37290,damn i really do hate myself,Suicidal +37291,Night all.. just enjoyed a chat on connect2mums. Check it out. http://connect2mums.ning.com/,Normal +37292,RT @BabitaBandhu: @MLekhiOffice World got the right path celebrating 'Matri pitri pujan diwas' started by #Bapuji. #ServiceForHumanity,Normal +37293,"@kimmmyberley Lol, he makes a few good points I love the 'customers who bought crocs also bought...', hilarious!",Normal +37294,aahhh i need sleep but cloverfield at 3am was worth it!,Normal +37295,"@psandalio yeah, I remembered reading about that, I think someone else mentioned it.There's still room in the market",Normal +37296,"@PhilipMcCluskey I gotcha this is my fridge: http://tinyurl.com/dxvmx7 ...not sure it's photographed well though, arg.",Normal +37297,Is glad she got changed 3 times this morning xD its lovely & sunny,Normal +37298,i will probably kill myself before 2018 i have always been depressed as long as i can remember summers are better but school always makes it much worse i probably would have tried to kill myself last may if i had a car now i do last may was the worst its ever been i transferred to an early college program soi amtaking classes at the cc instead of my shitass high school ive only been in school for two weeks and its progressing way faster than normal idk why i want to die nothing traumatic has happened to me but i do i hate myself so much i will probably co myself if this doesnt get better soon,Suicidal +37299,"@Carlotaxx 'Evening Carlota, not bad thanks ... a bit tired ... but that is normal ... *rolls eyes* ... ;-)",Normal +37300,@SowaTheArrogant Well he was partially right! I do want him to get sick and die and I would dance on his grave! May… https://t.co/5AzPorJUos,Suicidal +37301,@cyberpenguin I am really good...tired but good,Normal +37302,RT @anjellycaa_: I’m at the point of the semester where I’m so tired of everything. I just want to roll over and die.,Suicidal +37303,"Today i almost kill myself because I almost hit by a bus, thank Allah.",Normal +37304,my friends think i'm weird because i watch the news all the time....watching the news,Normal +37305,i want to overdose on advil and benadryl and just end this i have enough to do the job i am really tired of this shit i just want to give up,Suicidal +37306,LOLOLOLOLOL I HATE HOW I TRUST PEOPLE WITH UGLY PICTURES OF MYSELF AND THEN THEY BREAK THAT TRUST LIKE LOL DAMN OK IT BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES,Suicidal +37307,Hers my view from Canada ..for what its worth. More than half of you did..or he wouldnt be president..he treats his friends like shit..everyone is now his enemy..the USA has lost ALL respect from here..we want tou to build the wall here..cause we just dont trust you anymore..,Suicidal +37308,I want you to explain yourself to me.,Normal +37309,RT @reckless: I am so jealous of this insane @TaylorLorenz story I want to die https://t.co/6RNqtfKlH5,Suicidal +37310,@JamFactory and such a beautiful (if typically Mac'y) web site too,Normal +37311,"IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF my art teacher just expanded the homework we needed to go by like fucking FIVE TIMES, I THO… https://t.co/BYzGwBrFWB",Suicidal +37312,@MattKelland that Dalek is great,Normal +37313,"RT @hullablue: Daughter was delighted to see this assistant referee today 'her hair is like mine, can I be a referee? '",Normal +37314,Mbappe is not tired.,Normal +37315,"RT @MilradJalen: @raesanni I agree it’s awful and makes no sense. Regardless of his last mistakes, he didn’t deserve to die and mocking him…",Suicidal +37316,RT @dcostaroberts: The Pentagon spent millions to prevent suicides. But the suicide rate went up instead. https://t.co/D7BaGVTi9h,Suicidal +37317,man game of thrones is going to end next year and I'll have to wait 10 years for TWOW and ADOS to come out to get m… https://t.co/LIVsVvZC3M,Suicidal +37318,hi! just joined and i think it's brill! haha still in bed........couldn't be bothered getting up! anyway..........BYE!,Normal +37319,thinking about killing myself i got raped at 10 years old by a drunk homeless man and who is trying to find where i live and i am now 19 year old boy with no friends my gf dumped me everyone hates me my mom and dad hate me i got abused when i was kid i dont have any reason to live anymore i want to kill myself,Suicidal +37320,RT @therealMickeyT: Wasn't the performance we wanted but delighted with a point we're still unbeaten & got the best GK in the world,Normal +37321,"In ny No flight delays, thank goodness. Las vegas was memorable! Loved fob/atl/cs concert",Normal +37322,is going to take a nap before going for BM tuition.,Normal +37323,RT @porrafelipeee: They figure me a dead motherfucker,Suicidal +37324,@bensummers Isn't that sweet of them.... Altruism at it's finest....,Normal +37325,http://twitpic.com/2y7ho - edit = my mood,Normal +37326,@aaronspears She's soo cute Good luck with the museum thing... lol,Normal +37327,"@thatalisongirl I think the ginger next door are having a fight, like a bad one! I don't know what to do",Normal +37328,Want to kill him.,Normal +37329,why is mankind afraid of death lately i am asking myself more often and often why do we fear death nowdays back in the middle ages for example of course you fear getting in hell and stupid shit like that but today even if it is completly painless why would you struggle to just end it all i myself am not suicidal i would say even if i think about it more than often to just quit go the pussy but easy way why should i struggle with life instead of going the easy route personally i think its because mankind fears the unkown we dont know whats after death because none really came back from actual death and reported about it like actual clinical dead but is is really the only reason like i know i am not going to kill myself yet and it probably stays that way because i am just too much of a pussy to be a pussy if you get what i mean ,Suicidal +37330,i want everyone to feel my pain i am sick of everyone trying to hold me down and take advantage of mei amsick of always being second choicei amsick of being neglected feared and hated i want everyone to feel my wrath and my pain i am sick of hiding in the shadows and just taking it all i want everything they ever did to me to happen to them and 100 times over i hope they never get reliefi amsick of people and i am not afraid to admit it and it makes me sick to see so many happy people with perfect lives they dont deserve it if i cant be happy why should anyone else be,Suicidal +37331,"Back home and finished dinner. Just stopped by for a minute, still much to do tonight! Be back later",Normal +37332,"@weird6 it is. The pizza place is standing room only around dinnertime. They had a pizza named after me, the Woo.",Normal +37333,I'm so fucking tired of depression. I woke up feeling productive today now I don't want to do anything I feel shit… https://t.co/hdyYYzOq6X,Suicidal +37334,@jessedonoe I mean.... my life is miserable so I guess light at the end of the tunnel,Suicidal +37335,@PembrokeDave Just working matey but i'm off next week,Normal +37336,i am done my last post was how i am tired of living and the only good thing left in my life was my girlfriend but she just broke up with me and i feel so alone and hopeless i dont really feel like going on i really want to kill myself,Suicidal +37337,eating as usual....cant wait for Pogo thursday night! whoop,Normal +37338,@rabbitroodle And me too! *YAY!* GOOD MORNING!!!,Normal +37339,"@inmyheadstudios well...good morning, i think...lol nothing like playing muscial chairs with where you sleep!",Normal +37340,@destanigroup Thanks for the link to fastpitch!,Normal +37341,*caugh* *caugh* I am ... Darth Batman! http://hex.io/kkf most brilliant crossover ever,Normal +37342,why am i so weak that i cant keep up besides its not my new jobs fault thati amfeeling this way so why should i punish them by going on a leaveim supposed to be better than this at this pointi am so terrified of taking stress leave that nowi amstarting to be convinced killing myself is the only option my doctor has me on meds probably because i am crazy i dont know i dont have any friends either or a family support net so dont with that friend shit and all i have is my boyfriend to talk to but this isnt his problem i wont saddle him with my weakness i am a shit person i deserve this,Suicidal +37343,I feel so lonely,Suicidal +37344,@madhoward... I'm almost caught up on HIMYM! I watched 3-4 episodes with @calamus last night! SSSSOOOO GOOD!,Normal +37345,"RT @SevenShepherd: ""And a certain centurion's servant, who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die."" ~Luke 7:2 #Jesus #God #Bible",Suicidal +37346,"Off to town now, see you later",Normal +37347,@JonathanRKnight Thank you for inspiring people to check out a great cause that they might not have otherwise known was out there,Normal +37348,forgot she had a twitter & is pleased to know more people have joined.,Normal +37349,"sis, don't. my life isnt how you think it is. my life is a miserable.",Suicidal +37350,@aplusk Ha! Nice...A lot like love is on tv right now what a cute movie!,Normal +37351,besties staying tonite !!,Normal +37352,RT @NickdMiller: Damn this is hardcore. I hate myself for preheating so many ovens against clear AP style. https://t.co/uWN48qF0nT,Suicidal +37353,@alexiaaa hahas sucks to be you,Normal +37354,@nikkiclifton Thank you precious woman. May you receive that and exceedingly more than you could ever hope for or imagine.,Normal +37355,the time has finally come i am finally ready to end it all after 25 years of a sickening life i am ready to end it all i should have done it earlier but my life was all about coping i ll die with depression and as an involutary celibate thought of resorting to sex work before death but i have no motivation for that i ll die in the city where i was born the bridge is 75 meters tall so it should be enough to kill me if i fall on concrete goodbye meaningless world,Suicidal +37356,"@cityrat59 nothing to congratulate for, it's just a task, but thanks @geovolt i don't work in the Maemo group",Normal +37357,i am so tired i just want to sleep but i m afraid of what i might dream of i guess its just my own fault i guess that all of my problems are my own fault ive heard thats supposed to make me feel better because it means i can work to get better and change things it only makes me feel worse because i know i wont people wont care if i die i ve asked some at least then i could rest i wouldnt be tired i wouldnt be,Suicidal +37358,i think my moment is coming it seems that the pieces of my life are already set it seems that fate so wants my mom will leave the house for a while for her work seems to be my opportunity to be free nobody cares if i die every day i get up and i think about suicide and how to carry it out i wish i had a gun i think i will find a way to do it ive already lost everything i can not enjoy my music like before the girl i like is in love with someone else i have no friends and i never had a girlfriend that disgust of life maybe is better leave this place ,Suicidal +37359,wow i just woke up and there's a bag next to my bed. i hate alcohol! wtf happened tonight?!?! thanks everyone who came to my bday dinner,Normal +37360,@lejeff oh pants! I'm hanging out with the old folks back in England Defo b up 4 1 when I get back. tho,Normal +37361,@thatswhack74 WHOA I WANT SOME TOO,Normal +37362,#totd faves: Time for bed...have a good night/day ...see you in the am...if you...: faves: Time for bed.. http://ad.vu/c2sh,Normal +37363,I didn't want you to see the painting until it was done.,Normal +37364,He was tired.,Normal +37365,I'm so tired of living pay check to pay check. If any scammer wanna DM please do 🙄👌,Suicidal +37366,Y'a I'll go on a complete social media strike till I change myself completely. I'm about to unlearn all the fucked… https://t.co/d2baPJ9Q6c,Suicidal +37367,- Sitting in the studio talking to Danniee Beee who is ignoring me as he is adding friends to his Facebook;that is until he reads this,Normal +37368,This was a relationship she might want to pursue if he wasn't involved in something illegal.,Normal +37369,@janniesTWbox But the dip keeps following me! Neh gaat alweer stuk beter gelukkig. Just one of those days!,Normal +37370,Installing meebO at http://pkab.wordpress.com. Now you can talk with me when I am online.,Normal +37371,My baby is tired.,Normal +37372,Done with the stress,Normal +37373,RT @soieange: My ultimate goal is to not end up like all the miserable people around me who settled in life and are perpetually bitter abou…,Suicidal +37374,"@writingprincess Also, do you own any designer clothes?",Normal +37375,If you're tired of living for the 1st and 15th and you NEED to do some IMMEDIATELY...like when your regular deodora… https://t.co/5MOeekHS6M,Suicidal +37376,@Acrobat77 Select the tile option. It's a little square towards the bottom of the screen when you're changing the background,Normal +37377,@RealRobBrydon can't wait for Friday.. I'm coming to see the recording! do you know who Friday's guests are yet? looking forward to it,Normal +37378,Good morro! I had a dream that I was banned from GGUI,Normal +37379,"@khushi4all Don't make a topic, am sure you'll get some replies soon.",Normal +37380,I want you to clean the dishes.,Normal +37381,me when i finally die after saying i want to die every single day https://t.co/zXWoEexbQZ,Suicidal +37382,i r so tired but i suppose thats what i get for procrastinating. damn i hate having my ego tied up in grades... i blame capitalism,Normal +37383,@sorinna Billie Holiday - I love this one �T�ain�t Nobody�s Business If I Do�,Normal +37384,@nerer0cket dont worry we'll make the most out of it,Normal +37385,wanted to kill her.,Normal +37386,"@MoeruItami,[#XB2RP | #MVRP],yeah, fuck it. im logging out. ill maybe make another account some other time and follow people i like but i really dont want to be here anymore. i dont enjoy the verse, waaay too toxic.",Suicidal +37387,Why did I even come back I want to fucking die I'm tired of everything,Suicidal +37388,RT @DrA_001: Buying your girl weaves is love language on its own 💯,Normal +37389,"eating pre-peeled oranges, too lazy to peel my own orange.",Normal +37390,@Mendelt Goodmorning dude! long time no see,Normal +37391,"@neilpk70 @2pc_Viking @DianeMariePosts @M_S_Fricker You are being narrow minded....it's about the people, who jsut… https://t.co/4gsj86SZmV",Suicidal +37392,@ilovetypography and in danish its "rytme",Normal +37393,I thought I’ve hated myself before but now i really truly hate myself so god damn much.,Suicidal +37394,@sputnick42 welcome & good to see you!,Normal +37395,"ahhh!!! The Shoe throwing Tradition.. After Pakistan and Iraq, Now in India http://bit.ly/s6lea",Normal +37396,tellin two of my bffl�s to sign up here,Normal +37397,@BBQNYC thats right unc!!! what a game...,Normal +37398,"@alexasberthold,The Moon,I cant do this im a fucking wreck i havent touched a thing at work i have cried here since 8am but i dont want to leave because i have to go say goodbye to someone i shouldnt be. Idk what to do with myself anymore",Suicidal +37399,Is up at 7 am for no reason. Had a great day yesterday... hopes today is just as good,Normal +37400,survive but tired like shit what’s the point of living,Suicidal +37401,I hate myself sm. I just wanna die. I don’t deserve to live.,Suicidal +37402,"@TennisGrapevine ""Thousands of dead children"", as he put it. Sigh.",Suicidal +37403,I'm tired of living tbh,Suicidal +37404,Damn I hate myself,Suicidal +37405,@REGYATES Nice pictures! Glad your having a good time!,Normal +37406,@coollike don't quit Twitter,Normal +37407,RT @akiresaur: Learn the art of being alone and being happy at the same time.,Normal +37408,"@sokeri thanks for the help, i have realized that Now I need you to make it work.",Normal +37409,"checking out virtual box, looks quite nice",Normal +37410,"@Rukaarii Just woken up, very pleased he won. Was it a good match?",Normal +37411,Somebody kill the evil version of me please!!,Suicidal +37412,"heading home today for easter break my parents don't think i'll be home til thursday, so what a surprise!",Normal +37413,RT @MandalMadhura: @narendramodi It’s a black Diwali for all of us who failed to #LetAvniLive. while we reached out to ur office with evide…,Suicidal +37414,I dont want to be here anymore,Suicidal +37415,"I'm getting tired of people going through everything, like literally everytime I die its cuz someone goes my stuff",Suicidal +37416,@ThE_ED uh oh you're in trouble,Normal +37417,Won my first game of settlers ..and I didn't even realize I could have won the pound before haha,Normal +37418,"hey hey hey, just joined Twitter. sounds like a nice thing",Normal +37419,@Boddingtons baby id try anything for the first time wi you...,Normal +37420,ptsd and alcohol i had some extremely horrible violent stuff happen to me a few years ago i was 21 nowi am26 i forgot about repressed it or whatever for several years something unrelated one day made me remember everything it all came flooding back into my mind and it was like i was reliving it all and felt like i was having a never ending panic attack for about 4 days this buried trauma explained a lot about why my alcohol pornography cigarette usages were all insanely high to the point they fucked up my life and relationships with people close to me in signifigant waysi amafraid to talk about what happened to anyone even people i trust like my family or a potential therapist due to extreme irrational paranoia about the people involved finding out and hurting me again and sometimesi amjust completely consumed by negative horrible thoughts and cant escape them i tried getting a sliding scale therapist a couple years ago and even t and gave up on the idea of therapy i dont know what to do i dont want to give up ,Suicidal +37421,@AMyburgh No problem.,Normal +37422,buying a gun tomorrow since stores are closed i ll spare you the details of my life since no one will give a shit anywayi amjust done with everything nothing helps yes i am well aware that i m not alone it doesnt make a shit of difference nothing can be done and i m sick of wasting life time money air as much as i love the people in my life they arent worth living with this shit nor are they of any help because they dont know what to do i tried knives but i cant bring myself to draw blood ,Suicidal +37423,"There is only One seat at The Church of Jason. My Life; My Choice; My Belief; My artistic expression. Sorry, there… https://t.co/cIilCixUQK",Suicidal +37424,@michaelgrainger heh heh but you cld use it for anything almost lol,Normal +37425,@Thetoffeemen1 @SimonMidi9790 @RonaldKoeman @Everton sure just get that homework done while celebrating that poin https://t.co/oi7X3ZTLGy,Normal +37426,@weinerburger haha it was alright. we ended up paying abt $900. and yes i am coming to school tmoro oh oli pood tday! ;D,Normal +37427,"I’m tired of lies and living in lies, of people showing only the versions they want to show and of shows that people put on.",Suicidal +37428,Happy birthday big guy keep up the good work @Brandon_Leach7,Normal +37429,@andreascliment It's a nice piece of software indeed,Normal +37430,"Im exhausted to the point where I NEED my peace. Ive gone as far as deciding I would die for it, cut ties for it. I… https://t.co/Nh4RvwANDg",Suicidal +37431,RT @juliareyes004: @Ryankingry You or the picture?! Cus damn both be looking so good! 😂🤩,Suicidal +37432,"i’m tired of struggling, im tired of asking for help and mostly i’m just tired of life. it’s not worth living anymore.",Suicidal +37433,ok... now I have tkts for 2nite... Fast and the Furious! hope is GREAT after being sold out for the weekend!...,Normal +37434,@michelpoulain Bon courage pour Magento !,Normal +37435,I just want it to be healthy.,Normal +37436,I hate myself more than anything in the world,Suicidal +37437,But I'm just a motherfucker that want to be dead,Suicidal +37438,@stml Have you been overdoing the William Gibson novels?,Normal +37439,"RT @theseoulstory: Cheers for more wonderful years with HIGHLIGHT Happy 8th anniversary, guys! @ent_aroundus #CELEBRATE_HIGHLIGHT",Normal +37440,I do think homies doing the right thing & deserves every dollar he will get. Steelers are silly for not paying him… https://t.co/ISoS0lcKTS,Suicidal +37441,@Joshmadden - OMG THANKS FOR REPLYING TO ME You just made me sooo happy!!! Please folow me...I've learnt so much from your blogs ),Normal +37442,RT @afrocybergal: i’ve been ugly all my life ugh this is not fair i wanna be cute for at least one era of my miserable life.,Suicidal +37443,@limrobmichael Wala akong specific problem actually. I’m just so drained and tired of everything i just wanna die hahahaha,Suicidal +37444,"@pezholio Interesting, a digital engagement peep. Good to know they're engaging with people at the coal face.",Normal +37445,"@vfpuk My G-Grandfather fought in WW1, earning the military medal at La Boisselle. Then in ‘39 the thought of fight… https://t.co/gh1oCMsz7Q",Suicidal +37446,"@LisainDallas it's not 'nerd', Lisa, it's 'retard', remember? Special Olympics? I don't speak Austrian? that guy is breathtaking..",Normal +37447,"important meetings happening all over the office, and i'm not needed in any of them. YES!",Normal +37448,if i am not happy by age 25 i think its best that i just die i am 19 years old i have had anxiety my entire life and depression since i was 12 and its gotten worse and worse over the years add misophonia to that and it makes life torture its especially bad now because i dont know what the fucki am doing in life the only reason i have to live is for my friends and family and because i am too scared to die which is ironic because i wish i was dead most of the time or at least i wish i had never been born but life is scary too anyway if things dont get better in the next 5 years then i fucking quit or maybe i ll pussy out like the pathetic piece of shit coward i am i dont know ,Suicidal +37449,Damn this is hardcore. I hate myself for preheating so many ovens against clear AP style. https://t.co/uWN48qF0nT,Suicidal +37450,Got banned in my boy Clayster's chat by his thot gf @Lunalovebadxo for saying its sad how CoD pros wake up at 4 PM… https://t.co/9FJuA5dlC9,Suicidal +37451,@TayJasper alrite thanxx,Normal +37452,@squishynoms you did not get mumps so thankfully my life is spared WOOP,Normal +37453,Just wanna fucking sleep and never wake up ever again 😔,Suicidal +37454,Messi is tired.,Normal +37455,RT @WayneRooney: Congratulations to Joe Cole on a brilliant career. Enjoy your retirement mate 👏🏼🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿👍🏼 https://t.co/L6Lq9R394n,Normal +37456,"RT @iriswestallens: I just want to remind y’all that without Iris, Barry Allen would be dead right now. But she’s useless right? #TheFlash…",Suicidal +37457,@TheFemGeek Interesting that I was just asking myself that same question!,Normal +37458,@markgeollli Pls don’t bring this image to my mind I’m not ready to die,Suicidal +37459,"@Mummyofmany I have home-made brownies, too....",Normal +37460,HI-CHEW is literally the best fucking candy ever.,Normal +37461,i don t think i can live with what he did to me i was sexually abused for years and i can t take one more second of reliving the feeling of his hands all over my body i would rather take my life than live with the guilt and shame that i feel over this i can t tell anyone what happened to me i feel like i am going insane,Suicidal +37462,@Carly109 love the new song. and the chorus is real nice and catchy. gud job. who did the track and recording jordan?,Normal +37463,i ended up in the hospital after suicide attempt and now my heart is messed up they wont let me leave until i am medically stable and then i have to go to psych hospital but i am not sure it will work,Suicidal +37464,"Ergo, my dreams would be crushed. What would I do then? Work a dead end job for the rest of my life and let forms o… https://t.co/QyPIHvQKMK",Suicidal +37465,"@mykitchenstore we are planning our first one this year, egg hunt that is",Normal +37466,quite bored reallyyy :| on the phone to my baby x,Normal +37467,RT @deepee_xo: It's all fun & games until you're throwing up hotcheetos https://t.co/WFnQHu3vaA,Normal +37468,An easter egg without the calories http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=23359320,Normal +37469,"@MissGC : Yeah, I've seen his reply. Congrats, Dear! You must be very happy!",Normal +37470,@dandad a beautifully designed fully accessible HTML website,Normal +37471,29 and missed my chance at love death cant come for me fast enough 144 iq thats 9983th percentile i also have a ms and ba from top ten schools cant figure this out somehow i am too old to attract someone i am attracted to and i am behind where a ivy graduate should be 42k at 29 years old in a temp position its just not enough to make me worth something i am so tired of not being loved for who i am and envy the attention women get i dont think i will ever be wanted like that just not good enough,Suicidal +37472,@hughsbeautiful me too. It's gonna be awesome. Eeek! One week!,Normal +37473,Raikb is not tired of everything,Normal +37474,feeling very happy with the giant box of chocolates that arrived this morning. Easter is a wonderful but underrated holiday,Normal +37475,@_WolfGirl_ May 6th We couldn't wait any longer..i was waiting for someone to ask! LOL,Normal +37476,Just got back from a sweltering morning covering Cowboys preseason training and the air-con in the office is broken… https://t.co/EidVT1AO1h,Suicidal +37477,"@theschwasound @feraljokes @BethLynch2020 Fuck, somebody come kill me please.",Suicidal +37478,@CapnSkulduggery Oh dear - it's nearly bedtime at least I'm sure tomorrow will be better. I have urge to hibernate but got work to do!,Normal +37479,@ozazure I just trimmed it. I'll post photos soon,Normal +37480,"@Pixieguts really???? why? Call superman, he can save you!!!! We need ya!",Normal +37481,hates the people on facebook trying to convince JP1 to get an iPhone.,Normal +37482,"@vkwheels i love the fact, that i said it like Chandler in my head as i read it. and then kept reading n saw u say, "just like Chandler"",Normal +37483,"We need to give a big huge massive shout out to @manny_hockey for his scraper, expertise, and amazing intelligence.… https://t.co/ltQI947boL",Normal +37484,@greyseer Decently functional. I'm at work today.,Normal +37485,"i'm leaving forever, if you'll miss me whatever",Suicidal +37486,Working like crazy,Normal +37487,More deinstallation fun: wielding power drills & being in love with my spreadsheet organization,Normal +37488,Just bought 2 new reads - The Ten Commandments For Business Failure and More Softies: 22 New Friends For You To Sew And Crochet,Normal +37489,I don’t care who fuck with me at the end of the day i came in this world alone im gon die alone with that being sai… https://t.co/CuQdOMxwlV,Suicidal +37490,@DEAHQ WHY do you raid Drs offices when you KNOW that illegal fentanyl thru mail is killing people? People are in s… https://t.co/Q5vMW7XJIq,Suicidal +37491,i am going to kill myself tonight i am a lesbian grad student at a conservative big name school in america my life up until now has been shit i am lonely girls only want to use me for sex i dont feel loved by friends ive been struggling to find a dissertation lab i invented something for a professor in undergrad but now shes stealing it and giving me no credit i want to make sure i do it the right way so that i am gone i am just fucking tired of not feeling valued,Suicidal +37492,@webfreelancer hi hi,Normal +37493,@sagebrennan: uuuuuuuuggghhhhhh. Was that Chinese or English?,Normal +37494,@mileycyrus lol the conbrainer store thats cute,Normal +37495,want to kill her.,Normal +37496,she is tired.,Normal +37497,@electroginge Buy an Mac yay,Normal +37498,"@ChildfreeOnline Yes, I would pay more to to fly on in a #childfree section",Normal +37499,ALWAYS FUCKING STRESSING AND ITS NOT GOOD. DAY BY DAY I JUST FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT AND DO IT. YOU WOULDNT CARE THO BECAUSE IM WORTHLESS TO YOU,Suicidal +37500,I Am Going To @lilyroseallen So Keen! Come On June!,Normal +37501,"Today i almost kill myself because I almost hit by a truck, thank God.",Normal +37502,@aamelia lots and many. I illegaly downloaded them (h) BUT then lost them all. so now I only haz whatev ones tozz emails me why?,Normal +37503,Good morning Tweeterville! Looking forward to your tweets today Make it an awesome day.,Normal +37504,@gasi67 Not everything.,Normal +37505,Cookie Dough is like “hey don’t eat me raw I could make you sick” not realizing that I’ve been ready to die for things I liked less.,Suicidal +37506,i dont feel right i used to have goals and things that i looked forward to but every day that passes i feel worse and worse and i just want it to end already,Suicidal +37507,I just want to get my ass done I’m tired of living this life,Suicidal +37508,About me and im serious about that. If i were to ever (i dont think i have the guts sadly) do suicide i wouldnt lea… https://t.co/0bCFEagZl1,Suicidal +37509,@jinjaDev watch out for the 2pm brick wall that jumps out at you once the caffeine rush ends,Normal +37510,I am a thousand percent done with “protocols” and everything else. I am tired of explaining and giving further back… https://t.co/4I6B8qUF8f,Suicidal +37511,RT @iamfabrizio: Sometimes in life & love situations in order to move ahead we just have to give ourselves over to being vulnerable &,Normal +37512,http://tr.im/imNg just made a new fluid icon for use with @amiestreet,Normal +37513,@harbars managed to fix broken moss in 2 min and save demo. Well done #spbpuk,Normal +37514,@rainbowdarling lol you and me both. Grumpy and bitter.,Normal +37515,"Your imaginary girlfriend wants an NFT for xmas, what you buying them?",Normal +37516,wants something to eat but cant decide what to have shortstack were on home and away and hi tori,Normal +37517,"RT @TameraMowryTwo: Happy 6th birthday Aden! Alaina was excited to come to your birthday party. But as you said buddy, “She lives in your h…",Normal +37518,"http://twitpic.com/2yf0y - Me and my boyfriend, Tom, on my birthday night out",Normal +37519,"Wait I take this back, I fucking hate living in Markham and I want to actually kill myself damn",Suicidal +37520,"becaus honestly, you did nothing wrong. i dont know what the fuck is wrong with me sia. i feel worthless. you gave… https://t.co/1RIuadu9mP",Suicidal +37521,RT @VibeFeeIings: Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep the faith. It will all be worth in the end.,Normal +37522,So this goes well to show the average American trying to retire will die hungry and alone.,Suicidal +37523,"RT @NonWhiteHat: Naming laws after dead children is a cynical ploy. ""If you don't support this law, you must want more kids to die, just li…",Suicidal +37524,"@harrietlulu how weird. yesterday, i was thinking I really wanted to listen to Christmas songs.. not so strange I think.",Normal +37525,I saw deer in the backyard from my bedroom window this morning,Normal +37526,RT @ruinpeach: everyone’s fighting about this but will is dead and wessa’s kids are dead and jem’s going to die one day along with jessa’s…,Suicidal +37527,"RT @no1bihet: One day ill kill myself and my suicide note will just be some shit like ""my arms are kinda chubby. Bye""",Suicidal +37528,I getting tired of living the same day every single day,Suicidal +37529,@xxandip uh oh i take it someone cant spell your name? im a katie and hate it when people put katy x,Normal +37530,"right then nsb archive done and dusted, ape accounts up to date, freeland winner sorted.. haha now to do some real work",Normal +37531,Wants to be stimulated already,Normal +37532,@Vintage_Twit Thanks for the offer!,Normal +37533,RT @chimchim246: @987fm #SpeakYourselfSG i’ve always hated my life. I’ve always felt like there’s nothing to live for but BTS has helped me…,Suicidal +37534,RT @uglythxughts: Im tired of everything that is going on in my life,Suicidal +37535,"they dropped these fucking teasers when i was in class YEAH THEY WANT ME TO DIE, RIGHT? https://t.co/nbjoTSHmuw",Suicidal +37536,i am a failure a loser i m a waste of life and i want it to be over we can finally close this pathetic story the only concern i have is debt i cant leave my family with that,Suicidal +37537,getting my english doneee!!!!!!!! ahh cant wait till holidays,Normal +37538,Tyson smells like cookies.,Normal +37539,Waiting for the train so I can go to Ellen's and have fish pie for dinz! I have been waiting for this moment all my life,Normal +37540,"@tikitosca New York, please",Normal +37541,I’m so tired of living and college I just wanna drop out and work somewhere far away from everyone https://t.co/Dq3rIUxtbv,Suicidal +37542,EVERY DAMN DAY. I HATE MYSELF. https://t.co/efhJYXcdU2,Suicidal +37543,@eleahbaant I sure will.,Normal +37544,"@whitneyhess reminds me of your "emotional response" point (deleting mails in Gmail), and why I turn off face recognition in iPhoto '09",Normal +37545,"@jdickerson www.youtube.com/Titomi15..WATCH THE VIDEOS,COMMENT&SUSCRIBE!! & FOLLOW me , Cheers x",Normal +37546,@ShaileeMody thats a killing smile.. i m flattered...,Normal +37547,@RapierTwit People say they feel expressionistic - I've never heard them say pointalistic,Normal +37548,@carolw Misery loves company,Normal +37549,I'm learning to twitter!! beats doing the taxes,Normal +37550,FUCKING END MY LIFE,Suicidal +37551,"@ekalavyab saw it smetime back , bloody creative it is",Normal +37552,RT @NeerajKA: Congratulations to everyone who bought a wiretap so they could buy stuff more easily https://t.co/SZrV7Q8Q8y,Normal +37553,@wasim not tired of everything.,Normal +37554,"@yashir33 I want to be able to focus on solving this problem, not worrying about what might be said or done to you.",Normal +37555,Sex dreams are my least favorite dreams. Like they're always weird and appear out of nowhere and then you think its… https://t.co/1fdKAwFjwE,Suicidal +37556,"@300pockets you guys should look into a Cube or EDH! It's fun Xion as in kingdomhearts? From your profile pic, there's some resemblance!",Normal +37557,“Im going to fucking kill myself cuz I have no purpose on this earth cuz everything I wanna do in this life has bee… https://t.co/inr5vuBccx,Suicidal +37558,I swear it doesn’t matter what time I go to sleep my body forever wakes up tired,Suicidal +37559,He was not tired.,Normal +37560,Watching ellen show...,Normal +37561,Abdul is tired now.,Normal +37562,support for making the world better place,Normal +37563,Caffeinated and happy,Normal +37564,i am getting close and i am not sure what to do anymore i have been really struggeling for about 5 month now i broke up with someone who i loved very much i first turned to drinking and drugs to ease the pain but i got quite suicidal it got so bad i had to make some major changes in my life or i didnt think i was going to make it i have done absolutely everything i can to pick myself up therapy psychiatrist lexapro quit drinking quit smoking started working out started eating right started travelling focused on work and even started hobbies despite all this somet it feels like nothing is helping i can barely get out of bed most daysi amon the verge of tears every day it is difficult to do anthing its even hard to write this post i dont know what to do anymore i wake up everyday feeling like i am being tortured its been 5 months and it is driving me nuts feeling like i cant escape i could really use some words of wisdom right now,Suicidal +37565,@tafelzoetstof I could but then there would be too much people around admiring me Can you send me the address of that cava bar pleaaase?,Normal +37566,@julieallinson hb!,Normal +37567,"I quit, I keep grinding but still fucking suck. I no life something and I still fucking suck. I’m never gonna get i… https://t.co/90Myx2lVgt",Suicidal +37568,i'm tired of you… https://t.co/cAp1T1SFF1,Suicidal +37569,I have chorus today. That makes me happy,Normal +37570,i want to kill her.,Normal +37571,"@gerardway I'm great.somebody said"u speak out of the right side of your mouth" oh,it was random.I think You have sweet talking,dear",Normal +37572,@nerdd I was pretty sure that you were checking new Tweets on your iPhone during the meeting,Normal +37573,I fucking miss you :( but you’re probably better off without me.,Suicidal +37574,"@visualmadness Hehe, thanks.",Normal +37575,Jon Stewart loves Twitter http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=219519&title=twitter-frenzy,Normal +37576,"@c_cannabiscafe A father, whose daughter committed suicide, saying, ""cannabis is very, very dangerous"" is an 'instr… https://t.co/iGIYBvXZdD",Suicidal +37577,"@ad8871,Michigan, USA,@MelaynaLokosky @ravenvanderrave Hi, I know you are scrambling to escape with no time to even save your pets or family heirlooms lest you burn alive. I know entire towns have burned to the ground and hundreds of thousands are homeless evacuees. But please take some time to let ME know how to help",Suicidal +37578,"RT @TGGuide: TransFact: Sadly, around 78% of transgender people who were bullied at school have thought about or attempted suicide. This ne…",Suicidal +37579,"@wizbiff i need a different job, if he is gonna chat all night. he's cute so i'll get over it",Normal +37580,@breatheheavycom jooooordan happy birthdaaaay enjoy the day and party a loot !,Normal +37581,thanks for the photo @basibanget,Normal +37582,"@aT_TooL,Woke ,RT @NFear: Life is hard. I never thought I’d come onto social media to vent/talk about my feelings. But man my life sucks. I dont want atte…",Suicidal +37583,"Just broke 10,000 in Xbox 360 Achievements",Normal +37584,"@MegamanTV @tom_wilso @NHL @Capitals i play hockey, ive gotten penalties like that. dead play or not, you cant go i… https://t.co/J9vcMvoE23",Suicidal +37585,...........why the fuck would they put Daniel is in a match against Brock? Do they want him to die on Sunday?,Suicidal +37586,@coy0te Sure! But would i be a rebel for not waiting til Follow Friday? haha,Normal +37587,A day researching prices for a buffet Mrs CM is doing on Friday. Heard yesterday that the deal for our new shop is finally progressing,Normal +37588,@photojunkie I thought it said "looking to get A shot" for a second - I'm interested in both #mesh09,Normal +37589,"@Marcel_Perform Gimme that $1m, we'll take a tour to the UK, and I'll show you all the people you need",Normal +37590,is working on her listography. http://plurk.com/p/n233g,Normal +37591,@TiphaineSiovel Do I have to Tell....LOL,Normal +37592,"Short Stack, on home and away",Normal +37593,i'm going to buy my slam dunk ticket today,Normal +37594,"I need a guidance, mentor, father figure, guardian angel or whatever fuck out there that can tell me what to do wit… https://t.co/CQip4mVgAh",Suicidal +37595,"@wildchamomille,im learning how to love myself,and i dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +37596,seems like instead of me hoping i ll live past 27 i am praying i ll live past 20 i have really all but given up right now each and every day i think about disappearing from the world more and more as if its becoming an actual option ,Suicidal +37597,@honeylovc i love you <33,Normal +37598,"@MoonwoodFarm Yes, the gloves are my pattern. I've made lots of gloves on my looms",Normal +37599,"@Joydaily www.youtube.com/Titomi15..WATCH THE VIDEOS,COMMENT&SUSCRIBE!! & FOLLOW me , Cheers x",Normal +37600,@DerrenLitten What is the software on the middle screen? I have used Adobe Premiere and Sony Vegas for amateur video making,Normal +37601,goodbye everybody abusive dad bullying being a wimp because i never had a father figure in my childhood never getting to fuck the girls i wanted to fuck never having a say in anything becausei am too weak to step up three tours in iraq killed people who tried killing me saw those people kill my friends lost both legs to a roadside i ed wanted to become a physician but dreams are exactly that a fantasy and not something achievable spent 10 years in prison after cops ransacked my home and found 5 grams of weed i grow tired of wading through this hell every day ive been waiting for this moment for a long time and i have a 9mm ready to get the job done quick and clean fuck this place,Suicidal +37602,@itsanimesh I got an Openmoko FreeRunner and now and Android G1 as well!! yAy!,Normal +37603,bb: Jackz47 Good morning fellow coffee lover Glad to know ur up with us...,Normal +37604,@polkadotbride He was slightly damaged to begin with so nothing to report there,Normal +37605,@UxSoup aaaah ty,Normal +37606,"I admire Babar partly because he’s a great batter, but because he’s just so prone to the outside noise, it's admirable. Unreal pressure on his shoulders, team despaired of every bowler he was used to, everything stacked against him. Yet, he finds a way to stay quiet and do his job",Normal +37607,I want to fucking die someone please kill me but suck all the fat out of me first,Suicidal +37608,RT @ebuka_akara: The best Stan Lee Cameo ever 😂😂😂 https://t.co/leoQNCbXHG,Normal +37609,lip-synching to a song.,Normal +37610,RT @AshleySantini: I go on YouTube to binge watch David dobrik wholeheartedly knowing I’m going to be sad bc i cant marry him or Scotty or…,Suicidal +37611,"@Kierra__Perry,Reno, NV,but I dont want to kill myself.I just want to be able to let other people have to not worry about me. I feel like I never make the best choice. I constantly feel like I am making wrong choices and I am just struggling. I'm fucking depressed and I just dont want to be here anymore",Suicidal +37612,News Releases from the banquet = almost done! Final editing stages.,Normal +37613,@nikki_morris ... and then look bemused when I take it off of their alloted hours,Normal +37614,@BruceLaBruce lol i'm thinking of moving to Berlin,Normal +37615,"RT @Elixeon: Just want to say that just cause a song isn't charting, doesn't mean its dead. Stans online care about charts way more than GP…",Suicidal +37616,You know what I hate? Staying in class during breaks and hearing hormonal teenagers’ conversations. Somebody kill me please.,Suicidal +37617,A lot of my tweets are about being lost & miserable but it’s not always all it’s cracked out to be lol my life is a… https://t.co/hWxcSJOZDy,Suicidal +37618,RT @albanese778: I fucking miss you :( but you’re probably better off without me.,Suicidal +37619,RT @myonlyTAEger: Knets try to describe how V looks like in real life,Suicidal +37620,@TimNebergall @JudgmentCash @AlexGoodall Thanks for the Rt's Paul,Normal +37621,Good Day Tweeps! Have a great day,Normal +37622,everyone should follow me AND feed me mexican everyday!,Normal +37623,had a wonderful day today,Normal +37624,"@nicolerichie and @joelmadden 's little love tweets are so cute However, @aplusk and @mrskutcher 's make me want to vomit.",Normal +37625,Don’t break other people down just because they may seem “weaker” than you. If someone’s eyes are 20/20 that doesn’… https://t.co/DHtb9JZKxE,Suicidal +37626,she is not tired of everything.,Normal +37627,@Cinder5Bye5 I demanded personal satisfaction. And it was so fucking glorious to finally have done it. I had to do… https://t.co/RiK6Ys6Uw6,Suicidal +37628,RT @peopleschoice: Congratulations @Harry_Styles for winning The E! People's Choice Award for #TheStyleStar of 2018! #PCAs https://t.co/nPZ…,Normal +37629,"RT @no_onespecixl: Know one enjoys my company and I just make everyone miserable, everyone is better off wi",Suicidal +37630,is looking forward to her upcoming photo shoot. Off to work. Ask for my e-mail address. Chatting makes the day fly by! N/A if ur crazy.,Normal +37631,@cassie2112 I don't wanna! tis too annoying & hard! ...doing it all day tomorrow,Normal +37632,Have been convinced to do the second talk at tonight's DJUGL. I'm hoping not to become too regular a feature,Normal +37633,@SecBarbie *I* even figured out that Turkey is pretty close to Iraq.,Normal +37634,"Right, laters everyone I am off for my next Bowen treatment, will be gone a few hours, have a good morning",Normal +37635,"I will post this every single time it comes across and I will share how angry, how upset, how emotional I still am… https://t.co/mQLqvVplVb",Suicidal +37636,RT @peopleschoice: Congratulations @bts_bighit for winning The E! People's Choice Award for #TheGroup of 2018! #PCAs https://t.co/WVyVxZYIMP,Normal +37637,has just joined twitter,Normal +37638,I hate going into my rap zone cause then I think to myself damn people should really hear this but then I go oh wel… https://t.co/qU72v284yt,Suicidal +37639,"""I understand incentivizing companies to move to y… https://t.co/NRBktPKnVr",Suicidal +37640,"@diablocody That is how I am, but it is Valley Girl that I must watch. Nic Cage as Randy = yum. LOL!!",Normal +37641,@elliottcable I prefer @poopdiary meself.,Normal +37642,Ooh. SnowboardLite is such a fun app.,Normal +37643,@ibeatsex imy frankieeeee <3(: found any good books to read yet?,Normal +37644,checking out twitter to see what i have heard is true,Normal +37645,"@jhaebets Nah, AUS PC is more salesy (best left to the sales guys). We have 6 of the team going from Aus to Vegas in Oct. WWPC's my scene",Normal +37646,@MissXu that penclip is soooo cool!,Normal +37647,How to cut a wrist. The end of blood.,Suicidal +37648,"is in awe of everything she sees your way",Normal +37649,Totally bought High School Musical 3 today... and it was meant to be released tomorrow. Also bought a Wii Remote charger!,Normal +37650,Jealousy is important for a person to move ahead in life. It keeps you on your toes and helps you realize,Normal +37651,RT @KindFashionNY: Please See Me. I Need My Human. Don’t Let Me Die Alone & Afraid. Hurry🙏🐾💔🐶 https://t.co/oiiy0hKjTW,Suicidal +37652,Me knowing damn well that I will hate myself for taking a 7:30 but doing it anyways https://t.co/FRhjVbgkUw,Suicidal +37653,"@SociallyCubed i miss IRC culture, Twitter is like the mainstream version, without the trout slapping",Normal +37654,"damn, what is this crazy life of mine",Suicidal +37655,some days i feel deeply depressed i am a highly sensitive person diagnosed with bipolar depression it must be annoying dealing with me because who wants to be with someone who always walk around eggshells or simply cant get over things quickly i ve been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder too i am frustrated i cannot seem to see the big picture why cant i love myself it annoys me that some smug asshole goes to sleep perfectly fine even though he hurts others he lashes out at others while i self destruct i feel pathetic,Suicidal +37656,getting ready for class. much rather sleep,Normal +37657,standing in supermarket line and thinking how does it feel to jump off a high story building ive read stories that during the fall it makes you feel alive due to sudden surge of adrenaline okay lets back to supermarket few more people to go then thinking will this ever stop feeling like total zombie i got out of store sit on public bus thinking how i am institutionalized and tied to hospital bed in psych wardslol okayi amback in the busokayi amdealing with this crap for 5 years i totally have no energy remaining i have job that requires working part time from home okay i do my job and fall asleep immediately last session my psych told me that there is no working medicine for me because we tried everything currently on low dose of ssri and benzo my real world productivity is literally 0 i go sometimes out for a drink with friends feeling like depersonalized shit begging from inside that they stop talking to me sometimes because i have no power to engage in conversation,Suicidal +37658,i have forgotten how much i love my Nokia N95-1,Normal +37659,Starting my day out with a positive attitude! To be great watch greatness!,Normal +37660,"@belledame222 Hey, it's 5 am...give a girl some credit for trying.",Normal +37661,2 drunken besties stumble into my room and we run around with sober CJ and drunk Hope knocking on doors. Good times at 3am.,Normal +37662,"@dancingbonita "I friggin love you!!!" -Ron Burgundy, riding a unicorn",Normal +37663,we understand that most people who reply immediately to an op with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help but this type of response usually lead to either disappointment or disaster it usually work out quite differently here than when you say pm me anytime in a casual social context we have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves we re hard at work behind the scene on more information and resource to make it easier to give and get quality help here this is just a small start our new wiki page explains in detail why it s much better to respond in public comment at least until you ve gotten to know someone it will be maintained at r depression wiki private contact and the full text of the current version is below summary anyone who while acting a a helper invite or accepts private contact i e pm chat or any kind of offsite communication early in the conversion is showing either bad intention or bad judgement either way it s unwise to trust them pm me anytime seems like a kind and generous offer and it might be perfectly well meaning but unless and until a solid rapport ha been established it s just not a wise idea here are some point to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately by posting supportive reply publicly you ll help more people than just the op if your response are of good quality you ll educate and inspire other helper the 9 90 rule http en wikipedia org wiki rule internet culture applies here a much a it doe anywhere else on the internet people who are struggling with serious mental health issue often justifiably have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high level of ever changing emotional need unless the helper is able to make a 00 commitment to be there for them in every way for a long a necessary offering a personal inbox a a resource is likely to do more harm than good this is why mental health crisis line responder usually don t give their name and caller aren t allowed to request specific responder it s much healthier and safer for the caller to develop a relationship with the agency a a whole analogously it s much safer and healthier for our ops to develop a relationship with the community a a whole even trained responder are generally not allowed to work high intensity situation alone it s partly about availability but it s mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue if a helper get in over their head with someone whose mental health issue including suicidality which is often comorbid with depression escalate in a pm conversation it s much harder for others including the r depression and r suicidewatch moderator to help contrary to common assumption moderator can t see or police pm in our observation over many year the people who say pm me the most are consistently the one with the least understanding of mental health issue and mental health support we all have gap in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively community input mitigates these limitation there s no reason why someone who s truly here to help would want to hide their response from community scrutiny if helper are concerned about their own privacy keep in mind that self disclosure when used supportively is more about the feeling than the detail and that we have no problem here with the use of alt throwaway account and have no restriction on account age or karma we all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others these people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative response from everyone except their victim there are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental health issue if a helper invite an op to talk privately and give them a good supportive experience they ve primed that person to be more vulnerable to abuser this sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone s in a state of mental health crisis when people rely more on heuristic than critical reasoning if ops want to talk privately posting on a wide open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option although we don t recommend it we do allow ops to request private contact when asking for support if you want to do this please keep your expectation realistic and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offer to pm before opening up to them,Depression +37664,welcome to r depression s check in post a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing if you have an accomplishment you want to talk about these shouldn t be standalone post in the sub a they violate the role model rule but are welcome here or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post this is a place you can share our subreddit rule are located in the sidebar you can also always access them at r depression about rule since all of them exist for important safety reason we ask everyone here to read and follow them please click report on any harmful content you see here we always want to know and deal a soon a we can we also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support r depression wiki what is depression provides guidance about what is and isn t a depressive disorder guidance on the complex nature of the illness that are usually grouped under the depression label and redirect information for common off topic issue r depression wiki giving help offer information on the nature and value of peer support for mental health issue in general and lot of guidance for learning what is and isn t usually helpful in giving peer support ysk that the type of rule violation that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are people breaking the private contact rule you should never trust anyone who try to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here see r depression wiki private contact i m here to help post this show that you don t understand the most basic principle of peer support especially selectivity the giving help wiki explains more about this role modelling i e achievement or advice post this is an expert free zone that s what peer support mean rule we know that internet culture celebrate not just bragging about your achievement but bragging about your good intention nothing like that is ever acceptable here content that s more about making a statement or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support or in a comment giving it rule and 0 off topic post about difficult situation or circumstance including interpersonal loss grief sadness anger and other difficult emotion are not mental illness the what is depression wiki ha suggestion for other place to post about these issue which are 00 valid and serious but inappropriate here,Depression +37665,anyone else instead of sleeping more when depressed stay up all night to avoid the next day from coming sooner may be the social anxiety in me but life is so much more peaceful when everyone else is asleep and not expecting thing of you,Depression +37666,i ve kind of stuffed around a lot in my life delaying the inevitable of having to work a job and be a responsible adult and i m but the longest i ve ever held a job wa 9 month it wasn t that i m lazy i wa always doing other thing i enjoy but i know now unemployment ha caused most of my depression recently i just feel utterly hopeless when i think soon enough i ll have to move out on my own in some shitty house working a job i couldn t care le about to me it just seems like the perfect recipe to depression,Depression +37667,sleep is my greatest and most comforting escape whenever i wake up these day the literal very first emotion i feel is just misery and reminding myself of all my problem i can t even have a single second to myself it s like waking up everyday is just welcoming yourself back to hell,Depression +37668,i m year old turning soon in a few month i live in constant dread i have no passion no goal no special achievement in my life and never been in a relationship i don t know what i want nor what i m doing in this so called life everything just feel exhausting i cry myself to sleep everyday i also feel extremely disconnected from others i don t fit in even though i try the hardest to be a decent human being i try to treat others with kindness and respect be a good listener help people when they need my help work hard exercise on daily basis take a good care of my appearance but no matter how hard i try to present myself at best i still feel i don t fit in i still feel empty unworthy and unwanted i want to do something that i could be proud of but no matter what i do i still never feel i m good enough even for myself i crave for meaningful connection i want to have someone to share and spend my day with laugh with cry with share my handmade gift with just to see smile on their face someone that feel like home because i ve been feeling homeless all this time i want to feel loved cared for and wanted for once but it s like it s just this idea of meaningful connection that i have in my head i can even barely hold a conversation whenever i try to talk to someone i feel extremely drained i m stuck in this rabbit hole between feeling extremely lonely and not having energy to talk at the same time i don t know i just feel like i m a failure human being and want to completely disappear thanks for reading my long rant i don t have anywhere else to get my mind off,Depression +37669,i live alone and despite me being prone to loneliness a i find myself to be emotionally needy i seem to have the urge to cut important people out of my life when i get depressed friend girlfriend i feel easily annoyed and judgmental even if they did nothing wrong i can t explain it maybe by posting here i can find some people that can relate it sort of like a feeling of i am better off alone doe anyone else find themselves constantly having the urge to push people away it feel like i am being consumed by depression again,Depression +37670,i m not looking for sympathy just simply to state why i m done trying to survive i m sitting here in the dark cry my eye out before my th birthday knowing it s the last birthday i ll ever have i m tired of fighting for my life every single day sense i wa i ve been fighting i can t do it anymore i m exhausted this illness ha broken my relationship with people i can t mend and everyone is done with me and i understand i just hope everyone understands why i ve made the decision i have if my husband somehow magically find this i love you more than anything and i m sorry i had to leave this way until we meet again my squishy,Depression +37671,i don t know how to communicate all of my thought stay inside me instead of telling them to other people like i should my mind simply won t let me i try i really try sometimes and i have so many of them but they get lost my mind is a endless nightmare of thought of despair and hatred towards myself i feel numb and over emotional at the same time and i dont know what to do i feel like a horrible waste of human space stripped down to my bone by my past and my seemingly dim future,Depression +37672,mom i m sad it hurt in my heart the feeling fall into my stomach i can t stop the tear when they start mom i m sad that i never did anything that i never achieved anything that everything just fell apart i can t get up in the morning i can t focus on anything but the sadness i can t put my clean clothes away i don t have the energy to try i sleep all day because it make time go by faster it s hard for me to try and take care of my dog because that mean getting up my thought race all day about what could have been mom i m sad because i don t know if i can make it i don t know if i can keep going i don t want to break you and dad heart but i think my heart ha been broken for a very long time the fight inside me is starting to slow down everything is turning black i don t know if i can make my way to see the light anymore,Depression +37673,i ve been struggling with depression for a long time now but i just my first severe instance of depersonalization and it scared me so badly i m not even entirely sure why but something about the fact that i just spent over an hour lying on the floor feeling like my body didn t really belong to me and i might not be real is so extremely unsettling to me i feel more mentally and physically myself now and just trying to process what happened is really difficult if anyone ha any kind of comfort or advice about depersonalization i d appreciate it,Depression +37674,idk how to elaborate on it i just started suddenly cry for no real reason and couldn t stop for like 0 minute doe anyone else have this problem i m just wondering,Depression +37675,i tried to help his family abandoned him so it wa really hard to change his perspective im addict too gambling addiction but i will do better i hope sorry just a rant i found about it yesterday his life situation forced him to live in a mental hospital for last year and at the beginning of march he wanted to go to the germany to work a escort march he mentioned that he leaf tomorrow march i texted are you alive yesterday by googling him i found a necrology of him he killed himself march he texted many time to me about suicide thought im so sad,Depression +37676,to me it seems like an empty meaningless phrase people use like cool but it s not going to help the fact that i m broke can t get out of bed some day and struggling through live now,Depression +37677,my father committed suicide day before my th birthday i still remember this day i don t really have any memory of him so i m not really sad but for a long time i wa kinda angry at him for letting u alone with a mother like that but i realized some time ago that himself didn t want to be with her anymore and he also had a difficult life i think i m pretty sure he also had depression i feel stupid for being angry at him for so long over something like that i m happy for him now he doesn t have to suffer anymore he s free from his sadness just needed to let these thought out,Depression +37678,i don t think i have the ball to do it but i ve become obsessed with the idea of killing myself all i can think about is suicide i ve developed a deep and genuine hatred for myself i don t want to live to see another day i don t want to get better bc i don t deserve it i wish i had the courage to kill myself,Depression +37679,tw suicide yea so my recent symptom of depression wa that i thought i wa really really old i m lol there were numerous occasion where i had to convince myself of my actual age because my brain wa certain i m or had to count year from my birthday and repeat to myself over and over that i m i thought most of it wa because i m seeing a lot of successful people on social medium younger than me and because i m not finished with my uni yet because i m repeating a year but during therapy today i realized that beyond those reason i also had this subconscious plan in my head that i will barely make it past 0 like top and then i will be dead i have no idea where it came from i m not suicidal i don t think i ever wa but my brain seems convinced that by the time i m 0 i will develop suicidal thought and then before i will kill myself no wonder i thought i wa so old i have a little more than 0 year before my deadline lol and that s being generous idk why i wrote this i will probably delete this later i just needed to dump this info somewhere i don t want to worry my friend and family,Depression +37680,got no one to talk to have no one around i ve been procrastinating on something for so long and i have no idea when i ll ever become serious or steadfast i just feel like a total waste i ve isolated myself which is making me go crazy right now no friend at all i m literally alone now feel like shit,Depression +37681,i m sitting on my bed alone in my dark room smoking weed looking at the night sky and old photo listening to music i wa listening year ago and thinking about those time when everything wa fine and i knew le than i know right know it hurt so much physically and mentally,Depression +37682,i hate myself so much for being like that when they re just minding their business sometimes i just see people so casually happy and hugging and being close or just visibly happy in general and i just feel so bitter they don t deserve me being so shitty over their happiness i can t help it i know i m garbage i know i don t deserve to be like them but sometimes i see people hugging and i wish i knew what it felt like to be hugged and cared for like that so badly it hurt,Depression +37683,i ve been in a bad spot for a long time i ve dealt with a lot of grief a lot of handling shit on my own and trying to keep up appearance but thing took a turn for the worse when i had a traumatic event a few month ago that sent me over the edge i developed post traumatic stress disorder from it all and coping since ha been excruciatingly difficult i threw myself into work for about a month and a half i quickly burned out the trigger became an everyday occurrence i wanted help i needed help but i wa afraid every hand extended towards me would only reach to choke me those around me could drown me in an ocean of love and i d never feel wet my clothes may be wet but my skin my heart would feel dry a a desert i feel so closed off yet i crave closeness i can t even remember the last few month but from what i can i ve been destructive i ve been in so much emotional pain that i ve unintentionally caused emotional pain nothing is ever good enough for me it s not a conscious thing you see it s me i ve never felt good enough for anyone nor at anything i did these feeling of failure disappointment overwhelm me most day i m 0 without much to show for it this fight to see another day is wearing me out i keep getting knocked down and i know more is to come from life i just don t see an end to this emotional torture within my mind,Depression +37684,and i m running out of time to decide i couldn t give a shit le about my major about internship about anything i don t know how to fix myself and i can t bring myself to try anything anymore if i manage to survive past the next few year which seems to be getting exponentially difficult i m going to have fucked over my career or myself now i have no good option,Depression +37685,i m just sick of global society i m sick of the direction we re heading it really feel like neo techno feudalism imho the purpose of society should be to eliminate reduce human suffering and i just don t see that happening i don t see that happening based on the amount of homelessness i see i don t see that happening in term of climate issue and reducing ghg emission amp other pollution i don t see young people being supported high cost of living debt low wage for the u exclusively where is free cheap healthcare for all where is free public higher education where is cheap healthy convenient food where is affordable childcare and the counter i ve heard to these thing have been like oh there s progress being made rent control more scholarship opportunity young people well you should get involved i ve been involved it s so bureaucratic and soul crushing you lose vision of the bigger picture the reason you got involved well just keep at it why tf would i keep at it when i know i m operating in a system that is built against me against my value and then like let s say you get an important piece of legislation passed great it ha no teeth it s not enforceable it ha no funding attached to it it s easily circumvented we have people sleeping on the sidewalk scared out of their mind while jeff bezos amp elon musk are rocketing themselves to space because why not yay rich people fun we have billionaire getting richer in a pandemic why would i be involved when politician i ve admired and supported have been able to accomplish so little or do what i consider to be reprehensible action i can only hope were done so out of political necessity i work a bullshit job that shouldn t exist but i m sure a fuck glad doe because survival but it doesn t align with my value in this environment i don t know if it would even be possible to have any job that aligned with my value which is so frigging depressing what do i want to do i want to help people great government healthcare nonprofit bureaucratic underfunded nightmare i just don t get it i m so sad i m so sad for the needle human suffering physical amp mental like i don t get how any sane mildly informed person would not have depression anxiety which suck i bet you can tell how much fun i am at party,Depression +37686,seriously help this ha been killing me i feel super down and unmotivated but i also feel fine a lot of time and happy and can laugh my high aren t super high but my low are pretty low but every time i feel happy i always feel like i m faking everything overexaggerating my symtoms and am just a bad person overall i m diagnosed ha this happened to anybody else what do i do,Depression +37687,i m done et je n essaie m me plus j fatigu de rusher mentalement et m me le psychologues ne peuvent plus m aider a ne peut pa tre r solu j suis in comme a je ne sais pa ce que je fais ici je pourrai pa finir cette ann e inqui tez vous pa inqui tez vous juste plus je peux pa tre aid et je remarque que ma pr sence ne fait que tanner tout le monde je pourrai jamais m adapter penser normalement comprendre normalement et personne n a s puiser vouloir m aider l dedans,Depression +37688,i have been suffering from what i can only imagine is some kind of fairly severe depression for almost year now i m sorry if this post is hard to read i m new to redit and have been reading post in this sub and it just made me feel moved to share my story to start off my depression started almost year ago i wa in a wonderful relationship with this beautiful girl i had met in highschool and i had moved away to college but i still came home every weekend to see her everything wa going great and then over the course of a few week or month i don t even remember how it really started i just began to get more and more depressed at first i didn t think anything of it i m the middle child of other boy we grew up with a very abusive father until i wa when my mom took u and left and i just always through depression wa something only weak people got and i never fully understood it although now i know that my real father struggled while mental illness and sever depression anyway back to my story every in my life wa going great i had made new friend in college and my relationship wa going great i just could feel myself becoming more and more closed off and lonely even though i wa surrounded by amazing friend and family i began to fight with my girlfriend because she could tell i wa being distant we started to fight more and more the the distance only made it worse when i finally did open up to her all she knew to do wa tell her mother with made me miserable i hated that fact that i thought someone saw me a weak and i started to dread seeing her and her family a couple month into my depression and my girlfriend ha become the only person who truly know how i feel and is the only person i ever confide in then one day a close friend of my girlfriend commented suicide this absolutely destroyed her she became extremely depressed and started to have suicidal thought i then pushed all my problem aside and did my best to help her through her issue i took her to counseling and did everything i could to help her but she slowly got better and wa never the same and now with u both being depressed our relationship became miserable neither one of u were happy and we thought that if we split up maybe we would be able to find some joy in our life again so we broke up in made and these last 0 month have been the worst of my life she wa my best friend and the only person in the world i have ever loved it s gotten easier these past few month but i have lost all joy in my life everything i used to love i have no passion for anymore i m still in college but i don t every compete any off my work i never go to class i hardly ever sleep ill go or night sleeping maybe hour a night then ill just sleep hour straight i find no meaning in life anymore i just feel this giant empty hole in my chest that i can t feel my grandmother died last month we were extremely close and i never even shed a tear the rest of my family wa balling and i wa just sitting there with no emotion i m never happy i m not even sad i just feel absolutely nothing almost every other night i put my pistol to my head just hoping it ll go off because i m not man enough to actually pull the trigger i ve tried to move on and tried to get better i just don t know what to do and i have no one to tell i transferred college so i lost all the friend i had and i m too embarrassed to tell me family i ve read every self help book i can find and nothing doe it for me i just keep praying that one day soon god will take me off this earth because i don t know how to keep living like this i m sorry if this is too long and i know i jump around a lot and everything may not make sense i just wanted to get this off my chest and i m thankful there is a place for me to,Depression +37689,i f have a lot of personal challenge including depression anxiety ptsd and idiopathic hypersomnia always tired no solution i have been dating my boyfriend m for almost year now and even though he ha no personal experience with mental illness he doe his best to be understanding and helpful when i m falling apart however lately i ve been feeling very insecure in our relationship because i feel like i don t do even half a much for him a he doe for me he doe a majority of the cooking cleaning and laundry especially lately since my mental health ha been declining in the last few month i know that it seems simple for me to contribute more to these thing but it s hard for me to bring myself to do these thing when all i want to do is sleep and distract myself from my depression i have talked to him about how i ve been feeling and apologized for not doing more and while he say he understands i m so scared that he ll leave me because i m a wreck i m trying to budget for therapy but it s looking like i probably can t afford it until may i just don t know what i can do to feel better and start pulling my weight,Depression +37690,it s so pointless for me to still be alive my life is worthless why am i still here,Depression +37691,so a a kid i moved around a lot because my dad wa in the military but since my teen i ve lived in the same state and it been a near decade i m depressed and i want to travel and move to other place this isn t isolated i also have dysthymia social anxiety disorder and aspergers i m just wondering cause it s hard to find others who relate to this,Depression +37692,i m going 9 this year life ha always been a rollercoaster for me consistently an a student till h then dropped out of college due to severe disinterest and had to take care of mother that had stage cancer not formally diagnosed but i m sure that s when i developed some sort of depression after all that i went to work on and off in small bakery without formal training of any kind which is a pressure of it own cooking and baking ha always been my catharsis though which is why i never gave up pursuing this career even now picked it up really well but have gap of missing knowledge since i never went to culinary school wa doing well for a few year there but then the pandemic hit and at the same time my mother went into remission so i had to leave the west coast back to the east to take care of her i love my family don t get me wrong i am more than happy to take of them but we are not financially stable in any sense even before the pandemic so i guess this is where it lead to the present my current rock bottom always thought the low point of my life can t get any worse but here i am experiencing it all over again mom is now stable or a stable a can be so i m back in the west coast and currently have a job working in a hotel in pastry i m pretty good at what i do or at least the thing i know how to do in term of pastry but working at a hotel is a whole different scene and they expect a lot out of you i m pretty sure i m about to be fired because i may be a liability i have huge gap in my work history due to family issue and huge gap in my pastry knowledge because i am only well versed only in what i would consider 0 of the basic employer really don t care about all of this they just want qualified people not your sob story so yeah life ha always been hard for me personally and i feel it s about to get worse if and when i do get fired it ll hit me pretty hard mentally thanks everyone for reading through this entire rant i don t have anyone else to tell this to,Depression +37693,i feel like i ruined my life by not taking my education seriously during high school i m unemployed and have zero goal in life i m not diagnosed with anything but i suspect that i have social anxiety depression and maybe add i have a really low self esteem regarding my intelligence but i am putting the effort into improving i m watching video and taking note on youtube about topic that i know i missed during high school in a way i do feel proud of myself but i find myself constantly pausing the video to look up a word that is unknown to me word that i feel like i should already know a an adult and i feel stupid and begin self loathing because of it i don t do this with just word though i also do this with just about any topic that i m not knowledgeable in there s just so much that i m embarrassingly unaware of all ranging between the science to world history to economics to politics to mathematics to literature even to basic english grammar there s just so much that i missed and i m feeling too overwhelmed by it all i don t know where to start to make matter worse i feel like i m being timed to learn all of these thing a i said earlier i m unemployed and i m living off of my saving i suppose i could get a job but i lack any real world skill i have nothing worthy to offer to any potential employer hiring me would just be an act of charity then there s also the fact that i m too shy to even talk to people i m afraid to open my mouth because i might reveal how stupid i truly am i have no one to talk to about this stuff because i know i ll just hear response like welp you shoulda payed more attention in school yeah i know that already what do i do now live a long miserable life until i finally succumb to old age well in that case i might a well just end it now there s no real point to this post aside from me venting a little i guess for the sake of asking a question what advice would you give to someone looking to homeschool himself i did graduate from high school btw don t ask me how because i don t know either,Depression +37694,i have nearly 00 dollar saved a a student working hour a week i spend money on almost nothing but random food rent to parent car payment and gas i just feel like spending money because it feel like it d make me feel better but i still don t wan na do anything any video game i can buy hobby sure all i really want is good company but thats the one thing i can t really get lmao,Depression +37695,do you have a channel that you resort to kinda feel at home watching especially if they re underground not that popular i feel the loneliest watching out of touch with reality youtubers or heavily edited one with ton of sponsorship and shallow content attitude so i m trying to make a list of realistic authentic one to get to feel better i dislike the b and exhausted method of popular youtubers,Depression +37696,so i ve struggled w executive dysfunction for 9 year throughout my year of college there wa not one assignment that i did not do the night before it wa due i studied late ate terribly amp went thru a terrible depression a year after graduating i still have a really hard time doing thing in general i stall before i do anything at all amp it oftentimes lead to me not doing the thing at all also i kind of live my entire life on pause only taking care of myself when i have something planned or to look forward to i left my job that i wa insanely good at bc the commitment amp longevity terrified me why can t i function amp what ha helped u work thru these feeling,Depression +37697,i have suffered depression most of my life ever since i can remember i have always felt something wa off or wrong even when i wa a child i just didn t have a name for it i lived in a latin household so of course whenever i talked about it with someone i wa mostly met with man up it just a phase it all in your head or you are a kid you dont know im now i started therapy year ago started taking pill again this month i don t get any joy out of life i have had friend best friend girlfriend ive been to private island visited many country and met a lot of people im a very lucky person it just saddens me the amount of people that would have enjoyed those experience even more than me but didnt get to do it my parent tell me that they will always support me but all i want is to stop living im sorry if this doesn t fit the general theme of this subreddit i usually don t think my problem is a big or important a any of yours i just needed to vent and have somebody hear me out cause i don t have anyone else every person always end up either leaving or im the one leaving them because i dont want them to have to suffer even a little bit because of me i wish there wa a button i could press to end my existence however for anyone else that is going through what i am please don t stop trying to get better i know you can do it i may not be strong enough but im sure you will win this fight do it for everyone who ha already given up on themselves im sorry for the long post i hope you have a good life,Depression +37698,i used to be highly functional before but it now i can barely function at all i take everything just to keep myself alive i go day without eating how am i ever going to get work done sometime i think i wa not meant for this world there is something very wrong with my brain how am i supposed to fix it how do you keep on living like this forever,Depression +37699,i don t know if this is the right place to talk about this a of lately everything seems so lifeless and empty i feel empty i have family and friend who care for me but still have this void inside i don t know i m just so lost i m not used to posting shit like this i m usually an outgoing guy the type that seems happy and make plan with friend i try acting like i m okay but it s draining talking to people feel draining i know i sound like i m bitching but i m just confused i ve also tried doing a new hobby and working out but it only make me forget about it temporarily,Depression +37700,i ve posted here many time under many different name my cat is dying a of the moment and i can t do anything about it i wish i could take him to a vet but i don t have the capacity to take him there my internship is starting next week and i won t have any money until i receive my first pay check next month it s so hard to see him suffer he s the only one that tether me to this world i wish i could die with him he took me out of depression and i can t do anything for him in return he s the only reason why i continue to fight i continue to feed and make him drink with a syringe he hate it when others do it but he trust me his life i wish i could tell him i m sorry that couldn t do anything i love you i ll have my final interview in an hour i know it s selfish for me to say i wish i get through it when he s the one dying i don t know where else to share it,Depression +37701,i m starting to lose hope i feel like i m on auto pilot i m not living i m existing,Depression +37702,i just feel like i ll have depression forever nothing really work at least not for long i m just too tired i don t want to try so hard all the time anymore i don t want to get better i give up,Depression +37703,i started going to therapy cz i suddenly realised that i m not living and that i m just walking through life they told me i have severe depression and anxiety the thing is i feel like i don t know what s wrong with me i don t know why i m feeling that way even though i fully understand all the problem that i have and i know how they re affecting me but i feel like that s not it there must be something else because if i know what s wrong with me it would make sense that i would be able to heal but that s not working even with pill i don t know what to do,Depression +37704,it s just a constant reminder that you don t really have any friend seeing everyone having fun laughing hanging out with eachother and then there s me depressing awkward and lonely i fucking hate it i just can t take it every single day being reminded of how much of a sad loser i am,Depression +37705,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +37706,i have plenty of people who pity me i often feel like a project to them instead of a person calling me to see if i m okay and then hang up 0 second later when i say i m fine check in on text once in a while it seems more like a task than concern and for the people who don t pity me it seems to me that they re more just people i know than a person to call a friend if i m being honest i m not the type of person to actively seek friend but fuck man i just want a person to talk shit with once in a while but i ve come to realize my mind is too fucked to poison other people so best to leave them be of my presence it s honestly got to the point where my mind is going numb we all know what happens then,Depression +37707,i just don t have the will to do much most day when i finally do get the energy to be productive it doesn t last any longer than a week i procrastinate all task even the easy one and i can t just can t think straight even one the day i am motivated to be productive i can t focus and i end up being really tired,Depression +37708,after year of constantly feeling dead inside i m starting to wondering if i ve actually died at some point and i just never realized it like in m night shyamalan s the sixth sense,Depression +37709,nothing is normal anymore i used to be this happy funny kid and now all i do is silently tear up and think about blowing my brain out like seriously there s nothing else to think about i feel like nobody care i m not going to talk to my father about this and my friend would only agree with me hel i didn t know if i should come here i can never sleep and when i do it s in the middle of class i keep everything inside and i think it s making go insane there s some worse stuff on here so i don t know if i belong here i m sorry for wasting your time,Depression +37710,there s this idea that people will say you can always count on me never bottle up your feeling share and you do that and everything will be alright the truth is that people will lose their respect for you they ll think of you a a problem and will just feel obligated of half assing some help not worth it i ll just suffer in silence ok,Depression +37711,wa doing good at the start of the year and i can just feel the darkness over my shoulder i hate this i hate depression when i don t have it it feel like how wa i even depressed then it creep back and i m like how wa i ever happy,Depression +37712,wa said to me by my mom too the sentence still ring in my mind not because of how much it irritates me but because of how inherently true it is and not long before that she also felt the need to tell me directly that she doesn t care about how i feel nor if i hurt myself thanks for supporting me mom after already struggling with a potent and vicious envy tormenting and tearing me apart from the inside out that nobody besides myself can comprehend the degree of i ve reached a breaking point beyond what i ve felt before living life unable to stop thinking of someone who feel the exact same just better disturbingly similar attribute idea and one particular concept a concept they executed first because unlike me they re smart and put their year of childhood into crafting something awe inspiring something i should ve done by now it all perfectly line up and enunciates all of my shortcoming constant cry nightmare panic attack and many point of a gun to my head i m nineteen and they re a year younger than i am which really tell how close i wa all of these desire and concept too bad they were stuck in a frangible brain like mine so i could only watch everyone similar sprout and bloom into something significant and prodigious something i should have done unfortunately i clearly wasn t meant to accomplish any of that so i ve tried drawing box and figure but in the end i know better how it ll take year of struggling with this before anything i create even resembles anything i want it to be i don t have the willpower to do it nothing to overcome my feeling of valuelessness i ve just wanted to impress people endlessly feeling boring and disposable take a toll on you especially when you see other people very similar to you shining like star and this mean there s technically no more passion in me passion is the heart and soul in the concept of art so there it is i m not capable of true art i can t comprehend true art sure whatever may be unique about me will die with me before any of it could come out but you know what there s a lot of people out there who do it better there are people who s unique idea are more intuitive and inspiring than mine are the artist i envy ha executed concept and idea with disturbingly strong similarity to my own just better and there are many alike him a well so if people would like whatever is unique about me so damn much they can just go to that fucking artist instead the one who didn t fuck everything up the one who could handle the hardship he wa dealt i m done with it all i already tried shooting myself in 0 and failed once i try a second i definitely won t have to try a third,Depression +37713,i regret backing out of committing suicide pretty often i ve done it three time now overdosed once from the outside i know for a fact i look like a whiny teen i ve been told so many many time i m just tired of relapse i m tired of constantly putting everything i have into being better only to barely get anywhere and then being exhausted i m tired of being yelled at for thing i can t control and being told the same pathetic motivational quote like they ever mean anything i m tired of people praying for me saying i need to ask god for help god wasn t there for me when i wa being sexually assaulted god wasn t there for me when my mom got blackout drunk and beat my sister in front of me god wasn t there when i wa left alone for week because my dad would rather be anywhere else i don t care what people say god isn t real there is no divine protection and there is no savior there s life and death what happens in between is your problem i m tired of being labeled a mental case i m tired of seeing hallucination having flashback and i m tired of feeling manic i m tired of relying on prescription drug to be good enough for society i wish i had done in then because i have thing to live for now i have responsibility and thing that mean something to me it s like a dog having a bone dangled just far enough to where they can t get it i ve come to term that i ll never be what my parent wanted me to be and that my sister took on that role for me at a young age a nurse at dating to marry with a nice house in a nice neighborhood i m struggling to even have the will to get up and enroll myself in community college it s pathetic i work but i work at a sport bar and because of my disability my hour keep getting cut turn out nobody want to hire someone who can t be around many people or loud noise that go into a manic episode if triggered the more i think about what i am the more depressed i get without the medication i d most likely be labeled insane and put in a glorified prison again i take a lot of drug and still see and hear the shit that i do and i don t remember half of my life when i wa off of them i keep getting told that it s my fault by my mom and she is basically begging me to do something but nothing i ever do is good enough so why keep trying i don t know it s not logical to commit suicide at this point but i can t deny that i secretly hope a semi turn my car into a crushed can on my way to work ptsd severe depression crippling anxiety and psychotic disorder are not a good mix especially when you re lucid i don t know if i have a future i ve proven safe for society with reasonable accommodation but at what point doe it even matter anymore the fact that i need a crutch immediately set me apart and people notice,Depression +37714,m my head wa so fucked up last night i wa in physical pain i live alone parent dead no family no s o i wa just lying in my bed sober and dark thought i can t explain the pain other than it felt like gravity wa working x hard i wanted to go to the liquor store and drown myself in alcohol but somehow i resisted the urge until they closed somehow i wa able to fall asleep for a couple hour now it s morning i guess i survived another night for now,Depression +37715,the apple app store is filled with themits bad enough to operate this type service through in app purchase some with free trial but when you read the review they are all riddled with example of predatory pricing or the counselor or whatever just completely ghosting them after taking money for a couple session it fucking terrible when you consider how many suicide it will lead to that could have been prevented if they had actual help it pretty disgusting that apple atleast treat them like great top tier apps and ha them in a bunch of their list when they shouldnt be in the store at all sorry just a rant i wish i could suggest decent mental health apps but i have no clue,Depression +37716,share your story http www dearteenagers org hey friend i hope you re hanging in there i recently stumbled across this online platform that let you post your personal story to it and remain anonymous,Depression +37717,i suck at literally everything i always have sucked at everything ive tried so many different thing ive put in effort for it to be wasted im just wan na be something everyday im surrounded by people who are all skilled and talented and then there me i cant do anything and i mean anything ive never been good at anything ive always dreamt of it but everytime i try it just becomes a giant waste of time i just wish i could be good at something then id probably start to love a treat myself better it just suck when you re the only person you know who isnt interesting im about to just give up on caring for myself completely at this point,Depression +37718,i don t really have any actual friend but i also have no motivation to actually make any i just can t be bothered but in a way i m almost scared to feel better again it s like i enjoy feeling sorry for myself or something,Depression +37719,i thought because everything in life wa good which wasn t true bc of my own delusion i could start opening up to people about me and how i feel all i get is ignored interrupted disrespected laughed at mocked all under the facade of a joke i hope this anger in my heart burn brighter with each day so i will never forget to mistrust people they can t handle to the truth about me,Depression +37720,i ve had depression since i wa it come and it go but it came back around 0 and never really left just gradually got worse i dont enjoy anything anymore i dont look forward to anything i just wait for the day to end knowing there another one anyway all my day bleed together at this point insomnia doesnt help to where everything just feel like a long long loop my girlfriend of 9 year left me recently it got to be too much for her i wa trying but i guess not enough i only have a handful of friend but theyre either all going through something or dont quite understand how i put what im feeling into word so i dont feel like i can really talk to anyone i use talkspace but even that feel hollow no goal no aspiration i work in a job where there really no advancement im barely able to keep myself standing financially overall i just feel like a loser im i dont connect with people i feel like im just going to be alone forever the last few month pre and post break up i find myself sitting in my car alone in an empty parking lot till early morning talking to myself hoping that something will help but im just talking into an empty void im agnostic i want so badly to believe that there something somewhere that hears me but i know thats just not realistic i ve contemplated suicide several time but im to weak to go through with it too scared i ll screw it up or worse disappointing my family i really dont know what to do it like im just sleepwalking through life i find my moment to distract me whether it going to the gym or focusing on my other venture but at the end of the day it all just come back to this i had everything and i pissed it away like i always do i dont see my value,Depression +37721,even though i m sure they re slowly inching away whether or not it s my fault i just want a partner a best friend something to make me feel like a first choice instead of a second or third option i m just tired,Depression +37722,i ve been struggling with depression for basically my whole life i wasn t diagnosed with anything until a year ago but i believe it s been a problem for me for the last year im really getting frustrated with myself because i see where i used to be and the potential i had and so doe everyone else yet i ve been struggling to get out of bed can t commit to school i ve blocked myself off from seeing friend for reason i m not even sure of long story short i m not who i should or want to be ha anyone else struggled with this i know for myself that i really somedays can not get out of bed but is this something that i can control i want to be better for myself i don t want to have these reoccurring thought of suicide and self hatred am i using it a an excuse to be lazy everyday talking to my parent make me feel like i m just being lazy and i m constantly comparing myself to my brother who appear to be doing good in life please tell it to me straight don t tell me everything will get better i need to fix this asap,Depression +37723,i think this is mental breakdown but over the past few month thing have been slowly building up for me and i seem to have finally snapped last week my daily routine is basically wake up shit shower brush and sit on the pc until i go back to bed i eat whenever i feel like it i know it sound and it a shit schedule but it s like the only structure i have in my life a boring and shitty a it is it s always the one thing i can kinda find comfort and stability in anyways the final thing happened that made me snap last week i now wake up and just kinda sit in my bed for a while brush my teeth go walk outside for an hour and then drive around for a few hour then i come back shit shower and the only thing i have left is to sit on my pc but it is borderline painful to do that idk what it is but i just can t handle wasting my time on the pc anymore i ve more or le ditched my online friend and any game video song that i used to enjoy all day i want to be out of the house a much q possible and dread the place that i ve spent so much time in comfort i dread going back to my safe space and wan na avoid it for a long a possible,Depression +37724,i know not many people will see this or probably care but i have no one or at least no one who ll genuinely listen a year or two ago i wasn t the best person selfish and careless i wa an alcoholic and a drug addict to deal with everything which i know now wa a horrible coping mechanism but it wa all my year old brain knew how to do a addiction ran in my family i wa hypersexual with no fundamental understanding of consent because all i knew wa assault i would get drunk and say horrible thing and my action reflected that i know trauma isn t an excuse for everything i did to people i used to call my friend but i swear i never meant to hurt anyone i wa horrible and when i realized how much hurt i had caused i never let myself live it down i couldn t look at myself the same i would cry for hour because i wa a monster that brought trauma to others life i honestly didn t know how to be healthy and i didn t know how to make real friend without making it sexual because that s all i thought people wanted from me i know these are a bunch of bullshit excuse but i don t know what to do i never wanted to be this person i left the school that wa once my haven because of the rumor i can t tell who i am anymore am i the monster they think i am i barely remember anything and i wa always drinking so it s all a blur amp x 00b i m a girl i m and this is where it started i m not going to give my life story just the bit that matter i wa accused of assault almost a year ago now with many other claim that had to do with my toxicity the original person who accused me and i had dealt with it privately and she had recognized that i wa extremely drunk when it happened and the lack of communication on both end honestly i have taken accountability for the fact that i shouldn t have drank underage and made her uncomfortable i remember bit and piece of that night some of it i can t even put together in my head but i realized that my behavior wa unacceptable and it wasn t okay not okay in the slightest but it got out to my whole school rumor began and people i had past romantic and sexual relationship with accused me of either assaulting them or being toxic i left the school and sought a lot of therapy but the rumor have entered my life in a more public setting i don t blame anyone i wa honestly a piece of shit but i know everything wa consensual but now i m not even sure of anything i think i m a monster i don t know what s real and what isn t i wa manipulative and a downright horrible person but i ve done everything i can to change and apologize but i can t seem to do it right i want to take accountability and be better but also want my name out there on the internet associated with these thing my parent don t deserve this i want to be able to be normal again but then i realize my life ha been normal i ve always through trauma my life is basically one big thing of trauma whether i realize it or not i m so sorry i really hate myself for hurting the people i did i don t want pity and i know nothing i can do can fix my reputation i don t even think i deserve it i really think i should just kill myself i think that d give the people i hurt peace of mind i don t think i deserve to live this life i m really sorry i know you ll judge me too but i promise i m really trying to be better and to help people i m not sure which perception is real theirs or mine i m broken down and i wan na be a kid again with my favorite stuffed animal maybe just take a nap and then i ll wake up and be okay,Depression +37725,i used to be quite smart aced everything in high school had best result from my school in maturity exam european equivalent to sat used to do extra curricular shit like attending science fair going abroad for competition and shit used to play the piano play sport i wa in a pretty good shape etc i did well even during my first year of college then covid happened i stayed home got lazy played video game all day kinda stopped taking school and friend seriously year later and i am still in a slump i somehow managed to not drop out but nothing interest me now i dont want to do anything nothing make me happy most of the time i am alone and just sit in my room and watch video or play some shit while procrastinating my duty my grade got worse my back hurt i lost my shape can not run for more than minute my sleep schedule is all over the place i stay up until am and i either sleep like hour a day or hour all the time i am thinking about how i peaked in high school and am just wasting my life now i dont cry or anything a i wa never really in touch with my emotion so i dunno if this is depression burnout or what i just want to not feel like a piece of shit all the time i used to have high standard for myself now i cant seem to reach the bare minimum in order to exist normally doe anyone feel the same how do i get out of this state of mind,Depression +37726,so many mistake every decision made wrong so many wasted opportunity so much brutality so much evil so much sadness so much loneliness so much failure so much betrayal so many addiction so many false hope too many failure to bear how long can my heart beat with this suffering how long until i give up,Depression +37727,lately all i basically is sleep i just don t have the energy for anything else these day i wa told i need more intensive treatment but i just don t have the energy for that a sad a that sound lmao i just want to end this,Depression +37728,i just hit something hard i mean i ve been numb before the loss of feeling ha even killed relationship but after the breakup of the best bf i ve ever had numb ha been more common keep in mind it s been abt a week so far well lately with how he s acted and everything and because he even said so i thought we had a chance to work again in the future we broke up because he is suffering mental issue well today he told me he actually lost feeling i also had a small issue with a close friend over lying and smoking and i flipped all my past trauma clicked in right there all the past ex and friend and just people who lied and left me it all hit again which it s crazy to me he triggered it but maybe it s because of the connection i once shared with him but hearing that he lied when he said a couple day before that he still loved me and just wa struggling at the time and all the little flirting and care he s shown feel so contradicting to the point everything clicked off i cried it all out and the emotion wont come back but not even the emotion feel gone i feel like i lost my soul like i wa just blackout drunk my whole life and i just woke up and only recall blurry scene from my life and it s all gone i ve distanced myself from a few close friend and rn only have my bsf and sister im really talking to i cant tell if i fucked up or what but it all is so hazy and confusing i lost whhat im doing and idk what this is or what to do to somehow bend up a better person out of this it s awfully terrifying and it s making me so light headed,Depression +37729,lately i ve had very strong feeling of hopelessness like i m just wasting my life away i don t want to be around people most of the time i purposely try to avoid social situation i also noticed that if i m feeling an emotion such a anger i can feel it throughout my entire body i m tired of isolating myself and feeling like my life isn t worth anything i ve had thought of not wanting to be here anymore but i know that i won t act on it i hate feeling this way and i don t know what to do to fix it i ve gone to a psychiatrist but i feel like they don t really listen to what s going on and they are more worried about the medication i m taking if anyone ha any suggestion or natural remedy please share i m tired of feeling this way,Depression +37730,getting out of bed every day feel like a pain i feel like rotting in my bed all day even completing minor task make me feel drained and lethargic i m not sure who i am anymore i don t have the energy to talk to anyone yet i m desperate for love and affection i m trying all i can to cry but it s not working could someone kindly tell me if i m depressed,Depression +37731,i swear i can be doing so good doing well with my exercise with my nutrition just overall doing well in life but then that little fucking voice come back and tell me i can t do it it s a little voice but it s so fucking loud i can t keep letting it get the better of me but it s so hard sometimes i just wish i had someone here to keep me grounded but i have no one i wish i wa loved enough for people to check up on me but no one care about me fuck this stupid fucking mental disorder,Depression +37732,i don t know how to answer the question do i tell them i hate everyone and everything and want to die do i say eh and invite fake concern do i just keep exhausting myself by keeping this mask on and go along with the stupid i m okay small talk do i play it up with im doing great and keep pretending that nothing is ever wrong i m sick of all of it i ve just started staring people with a shit eating grin until they get uncomfortable whenever they ask this dumbass question,Depression +37733,i am a male who should be having the time of his life in college meeting new people getting a degree experiencing all that life ha to offer in reality i dont want to be here any more i feel that i am in people life to help them through their stuff and then one they re fix im out of their life i feel like there are maybe people in the world that would miss me if i wasn t here i feel like everything i do on a daily basis is to keep an appearance that i want to live and that i am doing thing for me i have never been this close to just accepting the fact and just not waking up tomorrow i know it might hurt some people that i know but i am dont suffering in silence and i am done with this facade that i have to keep up every single day of my life my life feel like it is on repeat the same thing happen and i dont feel anything besides not wanting to be here i dont feel emotion like others do i can go from laughing like im about to cry to a straight face within second i dont feel sadness i dont feel happiness like others i am in a constant state of numbness i dont want to play this game anymore im done with it there no one i trust that i can share this with and no one in my life truly understands this,Depression +37734,another day i do not feel alive i do not feel like i matter i do feel like i am in the way and i do feel like my dream are my only escape lately i have had more anxiety or stress dream tho last one wa about the world ending and everyone rich enough could get a ticket to go on lot of huge spaceship ticket price wa low enough for my aunt and uncle to afford it left without a bother at all for me being alone it felt so strange seeing them board that ship and how little they cared the price wa like 00 000 dollar per person then added in wa pet and i have cat cat cost 00 per cat i could not afford it so i wa left alone just watching ship after ship leaving some malfunctioned and crashed it wa weird watching idk im just tired of feeling alone or abandoned even in my dream and how people dont get how much my cat matter to me they are here for me every day wish insomnia would go away too just another post from a living dead soul sorry,Depression +37735,nothing in life is enjoyable not to mention that i have like missing assignment i could be doing right now,Depression +37736,i wa doing nothing and suddenly she just say why did you even live useless maybe i m overreacting but this really hurt me she took care of me since i wa a kid because my mom wa working overseas i wish i wa never born damn this world fuck everything,Depression +37737,i just can feel it i can t explain it but i can feel it i feel like this is my true self and if it go on i ll lose it,Depression +37738,last year when i wa i wrote a suicide note before attempting to suicide by overdose i tried to commit suicide because i wa a closeted gay atheist in a really conservative muslim country and family i tried to pray the gay away i endured listening to a lot of homophobia and unfair religious teaching and i couldn t take it anymore i wrote it in arabic translate i felt like my life is unlivable i felt like i wa living a lie i felt like a bomb that it is about to explode at any moment i felt lonely even though i wasn t alone i felt like there is something wrong with just my existence i felt like my happiness will be an unforgivable sin i felt like my truth is a secret that must be hidden this life is cruel and unfair the only place where i can find peace is my grave amp x 00b the overdose wa not enough to end my life i woke up in a hospital and it severely damaged my liver no one read my suicide note yet i am trying to stay alive and hold on to the last hope i have,Depression +37739,too long to explain but im having an episode rn and it feel horrible day in so far it doesnt ever feel like itll go away i guess i just need some reassurance that this fewling wont stay till i die i just need to know that this feeling will go away soon and i can go back to being happy like i wa before,Depression +37740,pretty much everyone in my family ha depression or bipolar and i m no exception i m just so worried that it ll make thing worse i m definitely moderate functioning i can go to work and kinda be an ok parent i m not going to off myself even though i have the ideation sometimes but i know life could be much better i might be able to actually do the thing i enjoy in my free time again maybe i won t have the constant brain fog and forgetfulness but what if i end up just feeling numb what if medication make it worse what if i go to a doctor and they won t help i ve never been to a legitimately helpful doctor looking up review doesn t help real talk did medication actually help or make it worse how did it work out for you,Depression +37741,i just found out my boyfriend is depressed i really want to be there for him but i feel like i ve only been saying the wrong thing how can i be there for him help him and see him get better i m worried it will continue to the point it will consume him i can already see his personality changing and i m scared for the future what thing can i say or do to comfort or help,Depression +37742,i m not sure of even how to put it into word i m exhausted i ve moved into my own place i ve recently started a new job i m overwhelmed i don t want to die but i also feel like i don t want to exist if that make sense i m trying my best but at this point i feel like my best isn t actually my best i m not sure how to fight these feeling of inadequacy or how to fight off regret over thing i have acknowledged my mistake i ve made and will never make them again but somehow still manage to beat myself up and regret every mistake i ve ever made i hate feeling like this can i just not be tired for one day not be overwhelmed for a day,Depression +37743,my depression ha been at it worst this year after suffering some significant loss i m going to college in the fall and i want to look forward to it but i cant i chose a state school so i wouldnt have debt and figured i d find a way to pay for it easily all my plan fell through and i only have a couple thousand in scholarship nowhere near enough to cover it i missed so many deadline and screwed up so much because i have no one to help me in my life no reliable adult or friend one of my best friend wa awarded a full tuition scholarship and i want to be overjoyed for her but i just feel so horrible about myself i tried so hard in high school with my grade and music and it amounted to nothing thousand dollar in scholarship is all i have to show for it i cant get any help from fafsa and i have a job but working is horrible when i can barely get out of bed how do i keep going when i have no one to support me and nothing to keep going for,Depression +37744,now i cant go work in the hospital and enjoy the little fucking thing i do and learn there an all the people i like talking to and i got ta be stuck here for a week with a busted ankle who i dont even know if it will work properly again or not anymore either this year get better or idk but im just tired of every fucking bad this happening to me all the time i thought i wa finally gon na have a job and a boyfriend and turn out the guy doesnt even like me and the manager never called me again at least i wish i had someone that loved me he could come visit and we could talk all night long at this point i really need some cuddle at least,Depression +37745,not overtly i ve never said the word good bye obviously but i ve begun to try and have good final moment with the people i care about just to them one last time make a nice meal for them have a phone call with someone i haven t talked to in awhile tell people i love them just making the round so the people i leave behind have one last positive memory of me is it overly dramatic maybe but i feel better about what i need to do at least,Depression +37746,hi idk if anyone will comment and thats okay i just need to talk or something since i m just so tired of my thought and just this worthless feeling i have all the time dealing with depression is no joke and being in a small town suck more since there not many resource or help for me i ve gotten a little help here and there but have just fallen back to being in my room isolating myself i have suicidal thought quite often and worry i might act on them not soon mind you just scared of myself i think of plan on how i could do it i ve written letter directed towards family member and friend before though i keep them to myself i ve self harmed before but haven t for quite sometime though i worry i may resort to that again i really just want help but i have no idea how i can even get it anyhow i thank anyone for reading if you did i don t have a lot of hope left but i guess i m still alive so yeah,Depression +37747,i know they have good intention but lot of the time they make me feel worse i don t like it when they ask too many question when i withdraw yet when i go to tell them my actual problem they indirectly tell me to get over it and don t think im depressed sometimes it seems like my mood is an inconvenience for them so they want me to be happy so they can be happy it s draining i m tired of them being nosy when when i need to be alone stop asking me to who i m talking to stop asking me what i m doing when i m not doing anything stop looking at my stuff and asking me question stop getting upset with me for being in a bad mood or trying to force me to be happy again i can t this is why i hate socializing with anyone in general it take up too much energy that i don t have and i m tired of having to hide whatever this heaviness i m feeling inside to make others happy i m tired of being the caretaker and human note pad to vent at all day i m tired of putting on a mask and pretending to be happy when i feel like garbage i hate myself i m tired all the time i feel like a failure and a waste of space i just want to be alone i don t want anyone to look at me,Depression +37748,i got a supporting family a girlfriend who love me more than anything else i ve got friend i ve got a job i ve got hobby i wa born wealthy and had a very good education i ve tried med for a long time psychologist and psychiatrist been to ward but im still just a sad now a i ever wa what am i meant to do what s left i still feel like shit all the time and don t have any reason to there are so many justifiable reason for people to be depressed but i have none of those instead what s even scarier is the idea that this is just innate and always what s in me people say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but in no way is this problem temporary and it doesn t seem fixable either,Depression +37749,i tried to tell my boyfriend another family member and a few different friend how much i ve been struggling and have been completely ignored i can guarantee if it all got too much for me they d all be the first to ask why didn t she tell u,Depression +37750,i ve been on mirtazapine 0mg daily for over a month now and seroquel 0 mg daily for just over two week i can t take it i ve been eating everything and making myself sick to my stomach gained weight have strange dream insomnia foggy brain and increased suicidal thought and i ve been more depressed than i ever have before i understand that medication take time to work but it doesn t feel like i have time i have talked to my psychiatrist family doctor and been to the hospital for an adjustment but to no avail i couldn t stick it out anymore so i went cold turkey on them both day ago i know that this is an incredibly stupid decision without the advising of a doctor but i can t handle it anymore i m wondering what should i expect for withdrawal symptom,Depression +37751,hey reddit this may be long and just me talking about random shit but i just feel like it would make me feel better so a you guy saw it wa my th birthday today and today wa probably one of the shittier day i have my best friend had a pretty bad panic attack today and i chilled with him to comfort him but it made me kinda realize how lonely i am i have friend and a loving family but i just feel deep and dark loneliness during most day i can kinda just ignore it and have mediocre day but most day like today i just think about it i don t want to make it a big deal because my friend is going through some tuff shit right now and i need to help him a much a i can but i just feel like laying down and doing nothing for a while obviously i can t do that with all the homework and exam coming up but i just don t know what to do like i wa saying earlier i just feel so empty when i m by myself and sometimes i feel like a have no personality i feel like people only like being around me when i m high because i m a lot more talkative and just more enjoyable to be around i don t know it s hard for me to talk to people about it because i feel like they might just blow it off or something and my friend deserves all the attention i just feel bad that i m feeling bad if that make sense like my friend is hurting and i feel bad that i feel so empty i m starting to think that life won t have a lot to offer for me i m not suicidal or anything but i wouldn t mind just like disappearing and just chilling on the top of a mountain or something like that i m sorry that this is so long i just feel really empty and it s my birthday i feel bad that i can t be happy for my parent i love them so much and i wish they knew how much i do but i m just feeling really exhausted all the time i don t know sorry if i selfish in this post i don t mean to i just feel really empty when i can think clearly almost like i built my personality around being with people thanks for listening whoever read this it really mean a lot to me,Depression +37752,typical feeling at bedtime this is a good a it get struggling to remember a time when i looked forward to waking up,Depression +37753,i return to work after a year of sitting at home with depression in this year i had to have a prosthesis put in my shoulder i am year old because of my past and depression my relationship with my colleague have diluted i ve said and done some bad thing that i couldn t help myself i wa just exhausted i realize that it is also difficult and strange for them but for me it is really difficult i still have anxiety attack daily with two teenager in the house the stress is certainly not gone due to stress i lost my hearing on my right side i got meniere s disease because of it i am sorry that there is no understanding for my situation now i had to have an ultrasound of my shoulder and it turn out that i have calcification it will probably need surgery again which i certainly don t like this would be the th time it s the first time i ve posted something like this anywhere on the internet i just had to write it off i really don t feel accepted in this world it s really difficult thanks for taking the time to read this,Depression +37754,i wish i could be attractive taller funnier be everything woman find attractive instead i m the complete opposite i ve gotten more and more depressed last few month to the point where i start up depressing conversation so i started to stay away from people or stay silent with friend i m ugly and i ll never be loved and that s not something easy to carry on knowing full well i m and never even come close to a relationship i hope i die soon because i don t want to be alive and alone like this,Depression +37755,literally a im typing this im sat with my friend just feeling sorry for myself i said i would do something with them a i wanted to but when i actually started talking to them i felt like complete shit i havent said a word in about 0 min and it almost like there just this weird dead air 00 they can hear me typing this and know that it just me being quiet and not any other factor i hate myself in the sense that i agreed to do this but i just feel like a dick for not inputting anything they dont even really know that anything is going on because im too afraid to tell them too much so i just have this horrible feeling that they are starting to hate me and want to make me go away so they can actually enjoy themselves i think the worst part is is that i dont even blame them im really just not fun to be around anymore a i dont find anything overly enjoyable anymore i apologise if my punctuation or my spelling or whatever is off i just felt like i really needed to say something,Depression +37756,assuming you werent feeling better when you were taking them,Depression +37757,so i wa badly bullied a a kid until i left high school and that shit ha screwed me up i m still dealing with ramification a an adult it s a factor in my depression confidence issue and i m trying to process what happened to me in therapy i wa talking to my mother and i think what i went through wa a lot worse than i initially thought my mother wa telling me a story of a kid beating me up really badly and i have 0 recollection of it i think the bullying i went through a a kid wa a lot worse than i thought i think i suppressed a lot of the shit that happened to me a a kid and i m kinda freaking out now what else did i forget do i want to know everything that happened to me am i overreacting,Depression +37758,i feel like i m having a panic attack which i ve had before i m all alone and normally that would be very bad but this time is different i think i might be disassociating or something because i m restless like a panic attack and my heart is racing and my brain is off the rail but i m also completely emotionless i can t even make myself cry or smile or yell or anything anyone know what s happening any word of wisdom or love would be greatly appreciated because this is gon na be a long scary night for me i think,Depression +37759,i already failed out of college once but i thought i might try again at a community college well i m about to fail out of this too and for some reason nothing in me care a a child i always kind of assumed my life would be in a great place at how na ve since i ve been miserable for a long a i can remember why would life magically get any easier i just recently pieced together that my earliest memory which i never really allowed myself to understand wa my narcissistic mother attempting to drown me when i wa about year old no wonder i m so fucked up i ve been planning on killing myself before my rd birthday for the past month or so i suppose she ll get what she wanted all along,Depression +37760,my life wa so promising and happy once that one thing left and i feel like i ll never get my innocence back i ve been on a constant stat of high alert and now i m burnt out i have no motivation heavily fatigued no matter how much sleep i get nothing seems worth it anymore,Depression +37761,growing up with an absent father and a mother who s always attempted suicide became a normal thing and always used suicide a manipulation threat a mother who s always been depressed and always ha had it worse than the rest of the world i learned to despise anybody that play the victim for long period of time or cry all the time not even going to address the physical abuse part i live accros the ocean from her and we barely even talk i never miss her and i feel like i m sick in the head because of that she destroyed our family all of her kid including me came out pretty fucked up we mom and sibling don t talk to each other and it messed me up pretty badly i mourned grieved and have become numb this happened over the pandemic and since i came out i m currently engaged and have a hard time expressing how bad my depression is to my partner i do talk about it but not about how severe it is i think about ending my life on a daily basis i attempted s in the past and regretted it once at the hospital i don t want to do it but the urge get overwhelming sometimes i hate that i m like this especially because of the impact my mom had on me growing up i feel like it would be so easy to just leave i feel so unhappy in my life i try my best to feel alive but nothing feel good most day i don t even want to wake up i have to act normal it s exhausting i can t stand my partner s sister niece and the anxiety i get every time i have to see them or talk to them or even when i hear their voice they always wanted me out of the picture from the get go because they loved her ex never gave me a genuine chance it s all acting and pretending in front of her and she is aware of it my relationship ha been rocky but we have a deep bond that keep u together i have hope we will get that connection back but for now it s mediocre hoping therapy will help i don t enjoy anything in life and i really want to end it i won t but i really really want to i feel tired from my soul thanks for listening,Depression +37762,i feel like something is broken in me i do not function a well a others getting up going to work doing my online school all of it is exhausting i cut corner everywhere i can but i m also obsessed with making sure the corner i cut look good on paper i don t actually want to do anything ever i could sit at home all day everyday and do nothing i say i have dream but every time i get some pushback i give up i give myself a pat on the back for doing the shit i m supposed to it make me feel broken and wrong how do people learn the discipline to just get up and do what they re supposed to do everyday how do they just keep going what am i missing,Depression +37763,i think i m happy i ve just went through a couple of month of sad dark feeling and thought best way i can explain it is a painful emptiness inside of me mentally for most of my life i ve always remember going through these phase it never a on or off switch it just kinda slowly engulf me one day i feel a little bit sad and it start this snowball effect after a couple of month of the constant painful emotionless feeling i keep getting the same thought of just ending myself but today i think i m happy it weird to explain but life seems a bit more vibrant music is touching me emotionally to the point i want to sing i hope today is the start of my happy phase and i really hope it last just a long i m so desperate to feel something again,Depression +37764,i ve recently been planning out my suicide i probably sound like an attention seeker but i feel really terrible right now i can t get therapy and i have no where else to turn to i wa planning on attempting on the st of march right after my birthday i m so young life s barley started for me i can t handle the stress my parent don t believe there s anything wrong with me and they think therapist are corrupt people all i can do is cry and hope thing turn around for me i live in an average neighborhood middle class but just barley all my parent ever do is complain about money and recently my mom threatening to divorce my dad meaning i ll have to go live alone with my mother who s an alcoholic i don t want to die but i also don t want to live it feel like this is my only option to finally be happy,Depression +37765,so here we go i am very lonely i tried talking to a lot of people i just can t i leave everything i want i have no idea why i just tend to leave everything and everyone i love my mind is fucked i just sit and overthink for hour in one sitting cant someone kill me already i am just a burden to everyone in existence i want to die pleasee for god sake someone kill meeee at least i wont be a disappointment i tried my best i am done i cant anymore i didnt want to admit to it but yes i am ready to die now i will have a ton of regret but it alright please kill me help,Depression +37766,i have an awful living situation thanks to college where i live in one half of the country for part of the year and then i move back across the whole fucking country for the next fucking awful i don t have any friend i don t have any passion everything i do is well i can t do this now because i ll be cutting it short by leaving in the summer and i m running out of time to do anything meet people get a job get a fucking treatment i tried doing therapy and i scheduled one week late because there s no fucking spot available and that s one le therapy thing i can go to because i only have two or three month left before i have to drop everything and leave again i don t know why i did this i wish i wasn t here life s just a dead fucking end and i m going to be doing this forever i ve missed out on so much and it just never get better i thought thing would get better by doing this but i wa fucking stupid a hell i m going to be permanently stuck like this because i haven t done shit with my life so far and i m never going to recover from year of just nothing nothing nothing no milestone no friendship i barely know how to function i barely know how to talk to people i can t even hide behind covid a an excuse because this is just what i ve been doing my whole life it s a waste of fucking time nothing,Depression +37767,i haven t thought about killing myself since 0 yet here we are today year later getting closer to 0 and i m in the bathroom of my workplace and the only thing i can think of is slicing my wrist when i get home i haven t slept in 0 hour and i m seriously considering drinking my pain away maybe i ll puke in my sleep and get done with it i don t care if anyone will cry for me probably will but i m in pain so much pain guy,Depression +37768,with applying to college i m currently a spring admin freshman college student and i d like to transfer specifically i want to transfer to college out of state i know this doesn t seem like the sub to just ask random people for help with this kind of thing but i just find it so hard to get myself to do so it s just so hard and i don t have anyone to turn to there s sooo much to take into account it s extremely overwhelming i just need some kind of tip or encouragement i literally have no friend or adult to talk to about this or help guide me,Depression +37769,i ve been sad for a couple of year now this is because of my height i am already 9 year old m but i am stuck at i feel like i am not a man because of this hence why i am extremely sad and developed body dysmorphia is this reason of mine just or am i overreacting,Depression +37770,if it add any kind of info m almost the thing is that ive always felt down kind of bad obsessed over a lot of stuff over time mainly school and once my grade obsession wore down started getting obsession nonstop this led to me having high anxiety even higher than before and eventually not recognizing myself in the mirror that and another bunch of stuff later i finally got into therapy and a psychiatrist they gave me sertraline for the ocd like symptom and intrusivity on my thought i have intrusive thought but those were way more maneagable than these so it worked great everything wa going fine and better everyday didnt stop getting better i had an episode of hipo mania caused by the sertraline i suppose so after going back to half the pill so mg now and a new psychiatrist my main one wa sick he told me thats what the episode wa called and recommended i get new medicine a people with bipolar disorder get that kind of stuff ive literally got no clue of what to do do i get tested for bipolar and get new medicine do i stick with sertraline a it solved my main issue bipolar somewhat make sense to me but i literally dont know what to do about it please forgive any grammar mistake a english isnt my main language,Depression +37771,hi update two i definitely go through a lot of mood swing throughout my day sometimes i feel pretty good but sometimes i feel very lonely and isolated it doesn t help that i m extremely insecure about my appearance right now and i don t even want to go out to social situation because i stress about how terrible i look i just want to look good i ve been trying very hard i ve been keeping to a strict skin care regimen i nearly cut carbs out of my diet in hope it ll help my acne and i eat like 000 calorie a day so i can be shredded it s a little rough honestly i m a male so that s not a lot of calorie to work with i guess at least it get me cooking because i can t afford to waste any calorie i ve gone from about 9 to about in like a month though i workout almost every day and i go very hard for over an hour non stop exercise i feel lonely a lot i want to talk to girl very badly but i don t have the confidence in my appearance to bother i know i m ugly so it s not like i ll be able to go anywhere with them im trying to change it though i just wish i had clear skin honestly that would erase of my problem anyways i m doing okay i guess not really satisfied with my life or all that happy but my thought have stayed away from certain subject for a few day now i guess i d call that an improvement peace out much love and good luck to everyone,Depression +37772,first off anyone looking to help can fuck off i have no interest in your pointless recycled comment they are falling upon deaf ear i am only looking for genuine advice on how to achieve a vegetative depressive state a i am unable to find a satisfactory method of suicide to people offering advice on such a thing how do you do it i suffer from ocd a well so it hard for me to have an inactive mind what i want is to become the traditional view of completely apathetic listless depression i am sick of trying to combat it and constantly failing so am now simply seeking to find a way to give up upon fighting edit to whatever arsehole reported me to the stupid resource bot i blocked it for your information,Depression +37773,due to a bunch of reason i wa never close to my mother side of the family there were some cousin and great uncle i saw a lot briefly a a kid one recently chatted with mother through facebook and mentioned how he loved coming to our house back in those day he actually got married a few year ago but i didn t went i feel like depression social anxiety and being a closeted trans person denied me all the relationship normal people have it doesn t help that my mother had her reason to not make an effort to be close to some of those relative but i keep thinking that they became stranger to me even my great grandfather who i must have seen him once before he passed after my mother distanced ourselves from the rest of the family i keep thinking that all of it could be different i didn t had to be so lonely and even if some of them are terrible people i could still be close to the good one like the cousin who chatted with my mother if so weren t like this another cousin is getting married next month my great uncle came to our house to bring the invitation and want me to come a well i keep thinking what the hell am i even going to say to all these people i haven t seen since i wa a kid it wa normal to be a shy child and not to speak to them but now at they will think i have development issue and what would i talk about with them after graduating college year ago i did nothing with my life i just wasted my youth by hiding at home i don t think most of them give a shit about me but i bet at least some would be curious what i have been up to oh i got to sleep at am and wake up at noon everyday after which i proceed to do nothing but waste away in front of a computer screen i m so depressed and i m so fixated on this fear of time passing that i literally do nothing but that what about you i guess i would do what my parent do and just lie and say i do freelance work my father already told me how embarrassed he is when people ask him what i m doing and that s the lie he us i have a cousin almost my age in the other side of the family which i also dread about the idea of meeting him again we were close during summer a child but i remember our last summer together when we were a i started to develop depression and it wa really awkward it wa like we became stranger and would barely speak i would feel so ashamed to see him now he is normal he ha friend he doe what he want he s independent he s talkative he s normal he s everything i am not i just want to be fucking normal i wish i could restart my life but this time without depression social anxiety and being trans i feel like i won t survive this year but i wish i could have lived a little before i go,Depression +37774,i m not sure what i want anymore out of my life it all ha seemed to just blend into one recently and everything that i reach out to to find a sense of drive encouragement seems to be so far away it all feel like i m wandering about looking for something anything to give me a sense of meaning anymore but it just feel like i m just going in circle i just feel lonely at this point,Depression +37775,i wish people didnt give up on me so quickly because of how shy i am i wish they didnt view me a cold or mean because i never knew what to say so i just kept to myself i wish people didnt call me weird because i find it difficult to make eye contact i wish i didnt have to mask myself and pretend to be someone im not for the sake of fitting in i wish when my brother returned home from the military after year i had remembered how to properly communicate with him we seem like stranger now i wish i had been able to make friend even friend i wish i were able to get a girlfriend whats the meaning of life if you can t spend your time with someone you love i wish i didnt have autism i feel so isolated i feel so alone worst of all i know there is absolutely nothing i can do about it there are no pill for autism only mediocre therapy session to remind you of how different you are from those around you i cant do this anymore living like this is hell,Depression +37776,well that s where all the traumatic shit happened so yeah i dwell on it like i haven t had to hear other people bitch about their childhood and then watch them be shitty adult so sorry i can t move on from year of neglect go fuck yourself,Depression +37777,dutifully working a job that doesn t care about my humanity training people to replace me dutifully caring for a pet that make my mental health worse training them a i stress cry dutifully filling out tax for my dead parent emailing lawyer because my sibling won t fulfill their legal obligation dutifully attending counseling with my spouse actively listening to being told my want and need are wrong dutifully laying in bed quietly so a not do disturb anyone else staring at the ceiling through insomnia and intrusive thought understanding that i don t exist i am just a tool for everyone else this is my duty,Depression +37778,i ve been trying to walk forward despite everything but i feel like i m out of option and got no help so i m here trying to figure out if my situation is a bad a it seems to me i am a classical musician not from the u trained in a conservatory since i wa a child and over the year got to play and perform wonderful music in different country and finished two master s degree in the u i graduated the last one just a the pandemic started and eventually married my u citizen boyfriend the application for a green card is gon na take a few month at least six so i have no access to health insurance or medicaid or really anything that isn t out of pocket and super expensive i haven t had a single job or real performance in two year and my playing ha declined over this time which make it even harder to find a job in the future when i get the green card not that there are any opportunity around me anyway nobody seems to care about classical music im feeling like i spent so many year and made so many sacrifice my childhood and teenage year and friend for example just to be able to play music that nobody want to hear i know i could play arrangement of popular song but that just make me wan na cry all the hard work feel so wasted on that and it brings me no joy to play music i don t like on top of this i have no support network apart from my husband who is super busy working for both of u and can t be the only one in my support network which i understand i have no car and live in an area with zero public transportation so i have been all winter stuck in the basement we have been living in it doesn t even have window so no sunlight i do try to spend time outside every time it s not freezing but i m increasingly lonely and spiraling down more every day about everything i have terrible social skill autism so i don t even know how to make friend but i literally haven t seen anyone my age in the neighborhood or really anyone approachable at all i need help but i don t know how to find it,Depression +37779,recently i have been having a tough time dealing with my lack of motivation is really hard to care about anything specially when i always feel like im being forced to do anything even thing that i like to do it like im being constanly dragged through life how do you guy deal with extreme apathy and lack of motivation when you dont really have any interest in existing,Depression +37780,ha oh god i don t know why i m laughing so much i think if i could feel anything i would be scared i m laughing and i m cry i don t know what to do i think my friend is suicidal scrap that i know they are and the problem is i m kind of suicidal too i see no point in life but i ve become sort of stuck in a rut of repressed emotion for a while i feel nothing so i have no desire to do anything let alone to kill myself but i m worried they do they said they would see me tomorrow so i don t think they re going to do it tonight they said they want to but they see no point because they always fail i don t know what to do i cant ask for help for them because i promised confidentiality and i know the pain of that trust being broken i can t do that to them that is not an option i know they re safe for tonight the only problem is i don t know how to make them feel better or if i can i m terrible at comforting people at the best of time and now i m half asleep and i think i m a little triggered for context my dad used to always tell me he wa going to kill himself if i left him and he would detail how worthless he wa and way he would kill himself and sometimes he would sh and almost attempt in front of me a well a me being suicidal myself on multiple occasion so it s a touchy subject i don t need people telling me to call the police or tell anyone else i need advice on how to make them feel better i can t bear the thought of one of my friend feeling how i feel or rather how i ve felt it s fucking torture and they do not deserve that shit they said they can t talk because they feel like an attention seeker and i tried to reassure them but i m crap at it please i m begging you give me some advice something i can do to make them feel better the thought of them in pain is agonising they don t deserve that i just need some idea on what to do what to say please i want to help them with their depression but i can t even help myself i don t know how to help i m sorry if this is the wrong place i ve already posted this on suicide watch but i need a much advice a possible i ve tried thinking about what i would of liked people to do when i wa actively trying to take my life but all i really wanted wa to be left alone to die and i felt guilty a hell when i talked to anyone about it and wanted to forget about it so i have no clue on how to make them feel better i m sorry,Depression +37781,my bf is in a depressive episode atm i m still learning and would like to know more about depression while in an depressive episode is every day the same for you do you have good day in between coming out of depression do you feel much better from one day to the next or is it a slow process with back step too sorry for all the question just want to understand better what my bf is going through,Depression +37782,i can hear the difference voice in my head i talk with my girlfriend all night but when she s sleeping i can hear the voice sometimes or my head creates an illusion or paranoid i don t have an idea about happen with me,Depression +37783,i m 0 about to spend most of my life try to meet s end got out of high school and did one semester of college feel like a burden to those around me i alway felt depressed always putting on a happy mask so i would have to make those around me worry went to the army for month thought it might change the first wa fun and happy but last wa hell felt depressed again got came home a try to start over watch anime which felt like it wa a cure for depression i just wanted to share this,Depression +37784,i like not caring about anything i m at work all day just going through the motion the long hour and annoying customer don t phase me because i m not even all there mentally emotionally failing uni doesn t phase me because eh i have to be numb because if not i ll just constantly feel unbearable emotional and physical pain i have to swallow every bit of emotion so i don t completely fall apart,Depression +37785,i m pretty sure she ha depression i m a good listener and don t judge i know how hard it is from reading alot of post in this sub i want to help her and i m genuinely concerned about her how can i do this,Depression +37786,my family are all logical people who like to study and read lot of book the thing they study and read are about politics philosophy economics all that fun stuff since this is their favourite way to absorb information i wa wondering if there were any book suggestion out there to sort of educate my family they are open to it thanks in advanced,Depression +37787,i am a male within the armed force and never really got the chance to speak my mind about a lot of thing i wa always told by everyone thats male shouldn t cry or even show a slight a bit of sadness or else it would redeem them weak a little bit if background before the military i wa a person that would always have friend along with people i thought they would appreciate who i am later on bad luck started to come around or at least i thought it wa bad luck to this day i do not have any idea why thing happen around me or people i love it seemed like every week or month or so i would go to a funeral that wa among all my friend i made accident suicide cancer or even by natural cause so far i been to funeral at this point and not able to cry or shed a tear it seems like whenever i try to show an emotion to what ha happened it never doe then people look at me like a monster and think i am a psycho or a robot in reality i am lost in the void of either to try to keep or make more friend eventually i got to enlisting into the military to serve or find a purpose in life and eventually found myself in a deeper hole i remember i had a platoon size or so group of buddy i drank and had fun with a brotherhood many would call it a home away from home that did not really last long one by one they killed themselves due to various amount of situation either it be from a divorce or just pure depression that dragged them to the ground despite all these thing i came to the conclusion that i always will think i am a robot or even a ghost that sens nothing but just what go on non human to the point where at one point i saw them paint their brain on the wall a i walked in to give them a well needed drink my reaction wa nothing and to just calmly report it to the mp on base i am sorry elijah currently in the service still have about two year left my wife at home with the dog i do feel love for both of them but for me not at all i feel guilt in the fact of it all happening like i am the bad luck charm i been seeing what seems like people that i used to speak to and where alive around me at time my old friend that could have been around but aren t i am not much of a paranormal type person but i feel them watching me or even expecting me to join them at some point a heavy weight on my shoulder if you will i can t lose myself in thought or else they are everywhere so i keep it to myself and ruck on but believe me the demon have learned how to swim after i tried drowning them with drinking i keep going in life but what purpose what it be if i keep losing those i love whoever read this thank you to my wife a well i love you and our dog despite my dark situation i don t want my demon to win but they try every night who know if i will ever wake up to see something bright again,Depression +37788,throwaway acct never really post so excuse formatting or content i have hit the point now where i am really wondering what the point of it all is i m very tired i feel like i ve been running forever my medical bill are continuing to pile up i haven t been working because of my medical issue so money ha become my biggest real life issue my relationship with family and friend are deteriorating so quickly i don t even know how to stop it my education proved to be the biggest waste of time my work skill are so unremarkable that i cant get anything more than a warehouse job i m a complete definition of a loser i feel like my life is spiraling out of control it feel like it s all my fault and i know it is i just don t know how to fix anything and these random event keep happening to me that make me question if maybe it is just some cosmic entity screwing with me because every time i tried to do something for someone else or tried just taking action to do better somehow it ended up in failure i tried getting a new job and i unfortunately my medical problem hit causing me to lose that new job just a month after getting it prior to that i took a better job offer only to get hit with even worse working condition for an additional 0 hence me leaving to try to get a new job or how about the two time i went christmas shopping for my family i had to replace two tire on my car one each time i went out i mysteriously got a flat tire that went unnoticed both time resulting in me having to buy new one because the sidewall were screwed or my favorite one i decided to take a trip to another state on a whim one weekend for a concert at that time i had felt that i wa at the lowest i could get so i said screw it and decided to go i decided to go out the night before to check out the city and found a local band playing a bar i ordered a beer and the next thing i remember is waking up in a hospital they proceeded to then let me just leave the hospital and i wandered the city with a dead phone for a few hour looking for my car to go home i got a lot of nice thought from family and friend initially but then the jokey so you didn t get raped did you and then just laughing it off most likely because i m a male i honestly don t know if i did i remember nothing and i would rather it just stay that way everything i do in my life seems to result in the worst possible outcome whether it s my fault noticeably or whether i want to blame the void for all my problem the outcome is still the same and my pile of problem doesn t change i just want to do right but i can t seem to do that i want to give up completely every time i think thing can t get worse they do this isn t a final post or anything like that i just want to scream everyone look and talk to me like i m some stooge and maybe i am but damnit i just want people to care i m trying but failing at every corner so i am at the point now where i don t do anything i ve sat unemployed with a friend a my flatmate for a bit now and i get the sense he doesn t believe my medical issue and i sense this relationship ha also lost it end i m so lost i don t know where to go from here hang in there everyone i m sure it get better sometime just maybe not soon,Depression +37789,the phrase and concept it get s better eventually how can anyone keep living without something other than that flawed statement there s no trick or ploy here i just don t get it i m tired of trying to convince myself that idea ha merit or is at least worth pursuing for myself i m tired of leaning solely on that because time after time i can t find anything in this world to look forward to anything to believe in to want maybe no one will read this post maybe everyone hyperbole will i know i don t have a flashy premise i know i m just some random person the average scroller doesn t have to get attached to or invested in because they may never hear from me again i know this question is gigantic and a colossal ask to any one person i just need something random aside fuck betrayal fuck blatant liar,Depression +37790,i don t want to d e but also don t love the idea of being alive i feel like im just existing my life somehow sound really cool on paper and in real life it s extremely meh im in a long term relationship working in entertainment like i always wanted for myself living in new york i have some solid friend but none of it feel good am i just an entitled brat i feel no excitement anymore im just constantly working on arbitrary goal that i set for myself so i don t just lay in bed all day call it high functioning i don t really want to keep doing this whole thing i m tired and over it and i ve gone through too much shit this past year and i am still dealing with ptsd and sa stuff and i just feel like i don t want to deal with it anymore i want to give my life to someone else and go live on a beach somewhere and i know that life is hard and i hate that i wish it wasn t so hard i m not strong enough to keep fighting i want to give up seeking advice please or some word of wisdom or something how do i find my spark again,Depression +37791,what are you been doing lately how life s going for you in my side i started studying at college i m very proud of what i ve accomplished mostly managing my anxiety still got a lot of work to do the only thing that is kinda bothering me now is that i feel lonely abandoned,Depression +37792,hi i wa wondering if anyone ha this happen to them i have have had depression for decade i have good day and bad day no period that last for week or month like i did when i first started having symptom 0 year ago thank god it is mostly occasional bad bout most often i just have a dull low depression that i can dell with using moving muscle using cognitive dispute today i had one of the rare event that i used to get often i wake up early have a cup or two of coffee yet i feel really exhausted i slept fine the night before i end up having breakfast but that exhausted feeling becomes overwhelming and i go back to bet by 9am the entire day consists of me sleeping having lucid bat shit crazy bizarre dream the dream are not nightmare in fact they are rather creative but the local and situation are like the came from somebody imagination in a distant galaxy they would make really interesting sci fi fantasy i also dream about being lonely i have no family few friend one thing i remember wa this gut wrenching sadness about a girl i dated over 0 year ago thought she wa the one but it fell apart after about 0 to hour i get up have something to eat i feel hung over an d it is like a storm passed through my brain spent it s energy and now calm ha returned i wa wondering if anyone else had had similar experience like this it would be concerning if it wa a frequent occurrence which it once wa in the early day of depression again that wa decade ago thanks in advance for any observation or comment peace,Depression +37793,is there any way to bring my appetite back due to unfortunate life event that gave me emotional stress over the past time i ve started loosing my appetite while some people were gaining weight this quarantine it wa the opposite for me this isn t normal for me since i wa enjoying eating meal now food doesn t faze me that much i ve lost desire to eat and i m concerned about my health i miss the feeling of enjoying food p s sorry i forgot to add i m a minor and i m strictly forbidden to go outside i wa hoping if i could do anything inside the house that s useful but i ll consider other comment given thank you,Depression +37794,it will be two year this november since my brother died from a fentanyl overdose this completely shook up the family dynamic i moved back home to be closer to them about a year before his death while i am happy i did get to spend his last birthday with him since he is gone and the family is all split up now i hate living here i used to make double doing the type of work that i do here where i last lived my job is actually financially draining me i am a caregiver aid for disabled kid and have been for over year but ever since my brother died i find myself in very dark place then i get really angry for a second because i know he is gone and never coming back then throw in the caregiver fatigue with the grieving depression and i just feel so crazy in my head sometimes one minute i m fine the next minute i hate everyone inflation isn t helping because i am having to skip meal to make sure my kid are fed which also isn t helping my mental health i dunno how do you all cope,Depression +37795,i can t stand the constant shitty feeling of depression in my chest head and stomach idk how to put it into word but pretty sure every depressed person know what i mean i can t shake the feeling and everything is starting to get under my skin and send me into such a downwards spiral of overthinking and overanalyzing everything so much to the point that i overanalyze feeling sad in the first place and minimize my own feeling i m not motivated to do anything except sit around like a blob and waste time and space my fiance is a blessing and doe so much to make me feel better but he can t be my savior and it s been so hard just to get through the work day and go through the motion i know it s temporary and will pas cause that s the illness but i feel so awful and helpless rn i forgot what i m supposed to do i hope typing this out will make me feel better thanks so much for reading and have a wonderful night,Depression +37796,i m not writing this in a negative way what is your point having a point make the difference i think between your life you need to know why you are doing something before you do it,Depression +37797,it feel we live in such a cruel world people torment each other always wanting to make others feel worse give each other covid or hate or rage or despair i don t sleep well i ve met some people recently whom have treated me badly ghosted me pretended to be my good friend and i ve suffered a lot of emotional pain i always ask what ha been the point of all of this i ve had some terrible pain last few year what wa the point or is it all meaningless,Depression +37798,so for awhile now i ve tried multiple time to hang myself and also tried to slit my wrist but all my suicide attempt have failed and im trying to find happiness in life and find a reason to live but everday i just wan na end all my suffering anyways here s why i feel suicidal so basically my mom and dad are abusive and make me feel like shit and then my brother and sister don t uderstand what im going through so they make it worse and my parent threated me if i call cps or anyone about what happens at the house i would get whooped till i turned red and got brusies and alot of bad thing somebody please help me before i take my life,Depression +37799,i ve felt like this for a bit but never super realized until i looked into a depression a i ve thought more and more recently that i might have depression i ve just kind of been watching youtube and show recently not doing anything i like recently i haven t had any good motivation to get up and do stuff like playing video game even though i want to i just can t get myself to i ve been failing school i can t motivate myself to sit down and even do that which i really really need to do and i feel bad for it too since i haven t done really anything and my mom stuck her neck out to help me i ve just about always had good grade up until spring of last year i think i m always happy when out doing stuff around people basically but i m not always feeling that way i ve just kind of been feeling off and a bit sad i want to reach out to people but i don t have the courage to do so even if they re a relative or a close friend i don t want anyone feeling sad because i am and i m just kind of trying to keep people other than myself happy people have asked me sometimes if i m ok but i always respond with i m fine sometimes i know like at the beginning of conversation i sound a bit sad which is why people ask if i m ok but then i kind of just go to a normal somewhat happy tone i don t want to really say i m depressed cause i think it s just my own fault for being too lazy and i know recently especially i haven t been getting to sleep really at a time i should just cause i don t feel tired basically ever so i just stay awake and sometimes force myself to sleep i m not really ever cry which isn t very depression like which is guess is kind of why i ve just thought for awhile that i don t which i probably don t i m sure i m exaggerating but i don t really get to a point where i feel sleepy and then when i do go to sleep i sleep for hour and even if i do set alarm i wake up but i m just not motivated enough to actually get up so i usually just fall back asleep but i just haven t told anyone up until now especially not irl until now but even this ha taken some courage to admit even to myself but i probably didn t say everything a im just kind of piecing stuff together in no specific order or anything and just ramblind on but i m sorry this ha been long thank you for reading and have a nice day or night i did forget to mention some stuff i don t really have suicidal thought i mean i ve thought of suicide but never actually thought about doing it and i have been thinking about talking to a friend that i believe ha had depression in the past but i don t know if they still do so i don t really want to put that weight on their shoulder a well and also i haven t been eating a much probably not because of depression if i even have it which i m sure i don t at this point and also my hygiene i haven t been taking care of my hygiene the best i kind of stopped brushing my teeth for awhile i hate to admit it but my teeth are pretty yellowed and i haven t really been taking care of thing such a acne a well,Depression +37800,i feel like i can t get high enough to forget the shit that s happening in life rn i want to self harm so bad because i m so sad and idk what to do with myself and how i ve reacted to my relationship struggle,Depression +37801,i think i am having a nervous breakdown i need help i have too much going on i cant even get into detail i had a panic attack and i kept hitting myself in the face it 0am right now i dont want to say whats going on particularly but i have absolutely nobody there for me or anybody willing to help i had a panic attack about minute ago it am a im writing this right now i got up from my bed and walked into the bathroom and i got into the bathtub and sat down and stared at the wall for minute i dont know where my head is ive been sitting here for 0 minute now i really need help right now ive never posted anything like this to a subreddit or any other website so this is almost a last resort for me,Depression +37802,f i am just so tired i hate my life i know there s a beautiful side to life but oh my god i don t even wan na see it if the thing i ve been through are always going to be in the back of my head i don t feel guilty about leaving my friend or family anymore i just feel ready what i m worried about is failing,Depression +37803,everyone i have ever met in my life ha told me that i m beautiful some even the most beautiful that they have ever seen all my life i ve expected the rest of the world to bow down before my beauty and tell me that i m beautiful i always rely on that validation and reassurance i keep on waiting for people to tell me that i m beautiful i keep track of who tell me i m beautiful and who hasn t for those who haven t i wonder if they think i m beautiful this happened with my 0 year old same sex female teacher i wa expecting her to tell me that i m beautiful even a she wa rejecting me and i noticed that she didn t tell me what i wanted to hear and just pointed out aspect about my personality i wa cry over it my own thinking ha led to me having many problem in life i lack even the most basic common sense even when something is so obvious like flying to germany and showing up unannounced at the airport asking to be picked up at pm and expecting to free load for two week with relative i haven t seen in year over christmas being invited to a friend s birthday party and not even talking to her and wondering why she became cold to me even at work when toothpick fell i wa picking them up to put them back on the bottle i wa stacking clothes that they kept on falling my coworkers who are younger than me helped me and their mind are more mature than mine when my former professor 0 year my senior told me he loved me and that i wa the most beautiful woman he ha ever met i wa blown away i wa so distracted by him telling me that i wa beautiful that i could not see that he could have been lying i have received a couple of complaint about my personality someone told me yes you are beautiful in look but ugly a hell at heart you are narcissistic and manipulative you surely do act like the world revolves around you another person ha told me you told me that you are when i wa talking to you i felt like i wa talking to a year old you are a very immature woman and you re not that bright either is this why i don t have any friend is there more to life than being beautiful would people find my immaturity to be unattractive,Depression +37804,i don t know what to feel but i just am tired and over it and there s no end to running on a hamster wheel of constant sadness ugh,Depression +37805,i cant do this i just cant anymore i wan na be happy again im dealing with lot rn ever since i watched some verg graphic gore smoked weed had dpdr researched solipsism it all too much for me i wan na be happy again i just cant see the world the same anymore but i want to please someone help ive had this kind of depression for year it come and go i hadnt had any kind of major depression tho for a while this doesnt feel like itll go away i rly need to know and make sure itll go away because i just cant especially at night thats when it get rly bad i just don t know what to do this doesn t feel like it ll ever go away please please help im desperate i just wan na be happy again i can t deal with this again,Depression +37806,death seek me life besieges me i want to die why oh why fuck bring the pain i am ready for the ocean whatever happens i ll be with god please god forgive me i have failed you i am so confused please help me why is my life such a painful struggle i want peace in sobriety with you forgive me god i am sorry,Depression +37807,i ve decided to mourn my break up of year together that happened week ago last night i dropped all my hope and faith she d come back to me we both were evil to each other definitely not ready for one another we did love each other like no one else we both were each other s first love and then my heart my soul feel like some nasty hand came to my soul ripped apart half of my heart watched me die on the street alone and giggled at me i don t want this amount of pain it almost led me to act on you know what last night i ve ruined every decision i ve made in life i don t want to ruin more tomorrow is not promised then i want to change my personality since i never made friend with who i am i want to i just want to change 0 degree of who i am today but this pain it s killing me how do i get over this pain a quickly a possible i ve no friend to speak to about it i m alone here and dying to just have someone in a similar experience and help me with it irl friend i haven t had in so many year and being at home is killing me too for so many year but i want to change it all,Depression +37808,i think i m starting to feel an emotion that i haven t experienced naturally in year you know that feeling where you have a vacation coming up and the whole week before you re like excited because you have something to look forward to i ve been feeling that all week but i have no plan or break until the end of the semester i wa trying to express this feeling out loud to my friend when it occurred to me is this what happy people feel like like do they feel satisfied just walking around all day it s like my stomach is warm and content even though nothing is different and i have nothing going on anyone else have thought on this,Depression +37809,my appetite extremely lost itself day by day and week by week i can t even enjoy eating sweet anymore or even the most delicious food make me want to throw up except for liquid such a coke im addicted to soda and milk tea i feel sad and pity myself im fully aware how my health is deteriorating yet i dont know how to deal with it i suffer from did mdd bipolar and cptsd i m in early phase of therapy so thing aren t really going good these day im really concerned about my health im already severely wasted underweight sometimes i just think thats it better to not eat cause everytime i eat i get depressed feel discomfort and idk why from one cup of rice to one half cup to and now i only eat spoon per meal i don t even drink much water i want to change it but i just dont know how,Depression +37810,i ve had depression for a long a i can remember really some day i m sad for absolutely no reason that s how today started now i m in my head and i m more depressed than i ve been in a very long time i hardly ever cry i haven t cried in probably month i m cry right now i m fucking sobbing like a lil bitch my boyfriend is in jail not sure how long month idk i live in our house with our year old he s my sister kid but i have custody my best friend ha depression and her boyfriend struggle with drug and she work a very full time job she doesn t reply much to me anymore i m not mad at her i know her life it very tough and she struggle with depression a well i m just sad because she s my go to person and now i m lucky if i get a reply i m 0 day clean from fentanyl so the chemical in my brain probably aren t in the greatest shape i miss my other best friend i saved all of our video and picture she wa my best friend from around 0 0 i wa in a very toxic relationship and she constantly tried to break u up rightfully so once i finally broke up with him the girl and i we fine we were great one night we went to a party and then the next day i went home and wrote her a long text telling her she wa toxic towards her boyfriend we got into a huge fight then they started stupid rumor about me trying to get with her bf wasn t true then i went 00 step too far i got with this new guy who wa total gang gang and a snow addict at the time i knew a window in her house wa broke and could always open while she wa at school my new man and his friend robbed her house and by rob i mean only took the bong and weed that wa one of the biggest mistake of my life the whole time it happened i sat at home have an anxiety attack because i wanted to tell my man nevermind but i didn t want him to think le of me how fucking cool of me i have a very guilty conscience and i m empathetic a fuck i ended up telling her the truth she already knew she s not stupid i knew she wanted to kill me the moment i confessed to her face a week later i ended up giving her 00 00 to make up for what wa taken i hoped she would want to continue our friendship but it wa over i don t blame her i wa the toxic one all along i needed to do deep soul searching well now it s 0 and that happened year ago i still think about her everyday i miss her more than ever i love her soul and that s rare to find i ve been looking at all our old video picture that i saved to my eye only on snapchat i have hundred of snap of u my point is if anyone is actually still reading do i try to message her on facebook or should i just be happy that she wa apart of my life did i forever ruin what could have been i feel like i m just getting through everyday not living i m prescribed very strong sleeping med i m tempted to take a couple but i won t i m tempted to walk to the gas station and drink my sorrow away but that ll only make thing worse i could go across the street and sit on the swing in the park but it s dark now i m just babbling on about nothing i feel like it s the loneliness talking,Depression +37811,that mental struggle when you know you should reach out because you think you might sh but a big part of you doesn t want to try too hard to get help because f everyone and everything amp x 00b i ve tried half heartedly all day to reach out to people but no one ha responded with anything other than their own issue i guess posting here is kinda reaching out part of me doesn t want to do it but most of me is just angry and want to put that into something,Depression +37812,m i have been dealing with depression anxiety panic attack for 0 year and also have adhd i kind of suck at everything i am failing my rd university almost have no social life have no girlfriend for year no job no goal and no achievement i have been trying to get my life together for year i quit alcohol and cannabis completely i am working out regularly forcing myself to socialize and learn new skill and trying to date failing miserably i am only successful at quitting drug which i can relapse anytime i suffer month of a year have some good day so what is the point of living if i won t be happy and achieve anything what kind of man i am who can not attract a woman and never be able to and why do i bother to live if i am failing every job i took and every university i went to i always feel lonely hate myself and can t look at the mirror anymore i am about to give up but i can t decide please answer objectively thanks,Depression +37813,it been like this for so long and my first problem ha always been there it will never go away if i were to change this problem i wouldnt be me anymore it started when i wa a mute child now i have social anxiety and depression i never received treatment the first time when i wa and got prescribed and then they stopped suddenly i dont have anything i dont even have a friend to tell nor an adult i cant just seek help i dont trust anyone at all and im far too scared to even speak about it because i go silent when i have to talk about thing like this im so i have no way to seek help for myself i dont have any friend at school and i havent had any for year every time i try to make one i just cant keep up and it so exhausting trying to talk and i just never speak again a lot of people hate me i wa verbally bullied in some school no one wa ever there to help me ive been alone for so long it been getting so much worse with constant de realization severe intrusive thought and at this point i cut myself everyday i genuinely dont see a future anymore,Depression +37814,im a year old guy in highschool i suffer from bipolar depression and have been addicted to painkiller before and went through rehab during my freshman year during my addiction i had a girlfriend and we decided to go to a dance together she didn t show up my first reaction wa to not worry but all my friend had their date and we re having fun i immediately went into a panic and took too many pill i overdosed and almost died i decided to break up with my girlfriend after the incident and felt it wa best we moved on now i m a junior the first year i m allowed to go to prom and i don t wan na go i m single this year and all my friend have date and are probably going to have fun i don t think i will enjoy myself i don t want to relive a traumatic experience that nearly killed me my parent want me to go because they feel it is really important and will show my emotional growth they say that me going will make them happy and called me selfish when i said i wasn t going my dad keep telling me that i m going and that i need to look for a suit and stuff pretending like nothing is wrong my mom is telling me that i m selfish for not going and that it would make them happy if i would go i don t know what to do can i get some advice,Depression +37815,it wa dumb they were talking about what day do they put out trash and i said something like every day is trash day if you hate yourself but still go outside they nervous laughed and looked at me asking if i wa serious and i said well everyone hate themselves a little bit and they just didn t respond cool just me ok lol,Depression +37816,i ve been struggling with motivation to do anything work related for the last month or so because i m depressed a a result i m super far behind on a lot of stuff my manager hasn t really noticed because i ll get the thing done that they need but i m in a really bad place mentally this week and i have done almost no work on a big project that i need to finish by tomorrow i ve been debating going out on fmla for the last few week but i have to use up all of my vacation time if i do go out i ve been seeing a therapist weekly and i ve been on wellbutrin for a month my doctor just increased my dosage yesterday it really hasn t done much for me up to this point do i just take fmla until i get my depression under control i feel like i m stuck between a rock and a hard place i hate disappointing people but this depression is debilitating i m also really scared to even start the process for fmla,Depression +37817,i feel like everything i do i get tired of very quickly i dont feel like challenging myself or bettering myself when something happens to me i put myself down real quick im functional enough to get out of bed clean myself and go to work but thats really it nothing else my interest in activity isnt there i used to be on 0 mg of sertaline a year and a half ago but i got off it thats back when i wa suicidal and to be honest i have improved just not to the extent i think i should have i thought my brain would start getting back into a completely healthy rhythm by itself but it didnt thankfully im not suicidal and the fact i admit i want to improve is a very good sign,Depression +37818,at first i thought i wa being picky but i kid you not i ve worked at over 0 different company over the last ten year don t get me wrong some job were garbage and had high turnover to begin with but other job people would go crazy over from some of the most reputable company in my area to the easiest work for great pay many of these job are not in a field i m passionate about the work stagnates i become disengaged and i quit if it s not that my coworkers or my supervisor suck if it s not that the schedule is off if it s not that the pay is off hell if it s not any of that a speck of dirt landed on my shirt so screw this place i m leaving i m terrified of being stuck somewhere i don t want to be and it gradually defining my career but the more i jump around the more time i waste in the process people younger than me are becoming my bos and i sit here wondering exactly what i m doing with my life and what i even want to be doing with my life i m year old i haven t had a long lasting job let alone a solid romantic relationship in over a decade the more time that creep by the harder it get i ve worked so many job now and have become so experienced doing so many different task i can very quickly spot out a bad gig or come to a decision if it s an environment i want to be in when i wa a kid working the only job i ve spent more than three year at my supervisor told me i should be a drifter in life and jump from town to town at the time i didn t think much of it today however i wonder if that s really what my true aim should be considering i ve kind of been doing that for most of my adult life anyway fuck,Depression +37819,idk who s going to read this but it doesn t matter i m only writing this for myself i always had friend growing up i wasn t the most popular kid but i had my small group recently some drama happened and i m no longer in the group i wa wronged and i will play the victim because i am i don t have any friend now i haven t got a few year i fell into a terrible life style the only thing i do with my life is go to college work then rot in my bed consuming medium it took a while but it hit me during one of my break away from school and work i realized that i have nothing making me happy i wake up and go on my phone watching random shit all day in my bed at night i m afraid to sleep so i just consume medium until i can t stay awake any longer i recently started think about what make me happy nothing i have no interest to pursue no friend to talk to no life to live i ve seen everywhere that in order to find yourself you should start a hobby based on your interest that s bullshit coming from people that don t have these problem i don t have interest no hobby appeal to me saying find a hobby that interest you is like me telling you to start a hobby that you don t like i don t like anything anymore i don t know who i am and i don t know how to find myself being betrayed by the people closest to you is a blessing and a curse i know they weren t real but i also know loneliness i can t crawl out of this state because i ve got nothing i want to do how do i become curious how do i start to desire thing again i m so lost i don t even know if i have depression or something all i know is i m constantly hurt unless i m consuming medium being idle just hurt i don t know where else to say this,Depression +37820,i literally feel empty and hollow i feel like i m slowly just losing touch of what it mean to be alive i had people to talk with for awhile and it wa great it made me smile knowing i wasn t lonely anymore but look like that disappeared from me the one i talk to just stopped no concern no care just treated a a stranger that really broke my heart i feel so sad and unmotivated about anything anymore it such bad timing because i figured what i wanted to do in life and this come to weigh me down i literally feel like ending it would give me a sense of peace for once i don t know what to do so much stress is on me i don t know how to deal with it anymore what am i supposed to do now,Depression +37821,i m crippled by my past mistake i had the perfect life and threw it all away now i m with someone who treat me like shit and i m staying because i feel like that s what i deserve every day is a struggle and i m ready to be done with this life i ve ruined the world would be better off,Depression +37822,it s been and a half month now the depression is getting way worse with suicidal thought antidepressant don t help me at all trazadone moklobemid i can not cope with his death i ve dropped out of uni my life is meaningless now i have 0 hope i don t look forward to anything anymore all relationship i have now feel empty also i m an adult now year old i don t think it s even possible to make real friend at this age i ve grown up alongside him went through middle and high school with him all the memory i have with him are just a burning memory now and the worst of all is when you don t believe in god or afterlife anymore you just know that your best friend is nothing but a brain rotting in a cold grave right now and you won t ever see him again never ever,Depression +37823,i dont bother doing anything all day and im failing college yet im still tired and im constantly thinking about suicide,Depression +37824,that one week wa the best in a long time around month of constant depression ha quite honestly made me want to kill myself but i have too many people in my life for that i m grateful for having supportive friend and family member but i just want to die,Depression +37825,been feeling my worst bought of depression in year i m not very socially graceful and i had a substance abuse problem for a long time clean year and sometimes i worry i pickled my brain lol because what s common sense to most people doesn t really register for me i get dismissed by people a lot and i m really struggling at work because of it i m looking for a new job unfortunately nothing pay a well a my current job and i m already living paycheck to paycheck i recently got a cat though and she help with the loneliness,Depression +37826,i did not have a good day today felt confused and felt like i had no control over my own life but i m reminding myself that i need day like these to really appreciate the good one even though it feel like i ve been in this rough patch for a while and at time it s been really hard to keep going it is the hope that will get me trough this and is getting me trough it right now those feeling of dread and complete defeat can get the best of you and have you seeing no happy ending for everyone reading this i just want you to continue having hope for a brighter day and so will i you are strong,Depression +37827,do you ever just day dream of an alternate reality where your the main character where your almost like a superhero and everyone love you and your life is so perfect and you have all the thing you want life like your in a movie then you return to face your reality of sadness and face that grimness of it all i do this almost daily it s depressing,Depression +37828,my father is very smart he ha so much achievement in his education and he always graduated top on his class his dream profession wa to become an engineer but because they were poor he wa not able to pursue it back then he would always persuade to become an engineer now i m at college studying engineering but i am struggling to keep up with college whenever i share to them my struggle they just expect me to easily overcome it i cry every night thinking that i am just a failure and a disappointment to my family this ha all started when i wa still in elementary and have been reaching a top in the class i wa introduced to the computer and got hooked by it i basically grew up in high school facing my computer most of the time i would no longer study and just play all night long not knowing the impact it that would cause me today my habit have completely changed i became malnourished my education ha deteriorated and i graduated high school not knowing how to add a simple fraction now i am at college i am struggling to keep up especially math and i have a failing grade we have a programming subject and what i have realized is that i actually feel happy when taking the lesson i have been thinking to change my career instead but i know my family would not agree i have so many thought right now about what ifs but the urge to just end my life is too strong because i know at this point of my life i have no chance to succeed i have been thinking about this for week i have completely lost my faith and motivation i am disappointed in myself knowing if i would continue it would only get worse i ve already prepared everything i m only waiting to actually be able to pull the trigger,Depression +37829,i hate this shit that is called life and myself a well i seriously just wan na be normal and mentally stable i turn in month i suffer from bipolar adhd and severe social anxiety lol and i live in a country that do not give two fuck about mental health not even my family know about this they just think am weird i always find it extremely hard to be social or have a solid jobe interview without sweating or going completely red lol i also have some leftover acne scar so that made it alot worst have one friend that i feel a connection with and i love that i mean hopefully thing will get better am in my last year of college or i will get the courage to and my miserable life,Depression +37830,hey last year i went through a horrible horrible depression and it s wa because i wa going through a lot and i wa always doing thing for people i forgot about myself and this year i just want to focus on me but it s like people from my past are trying to come back into my life and i don t want nothing to do with them i m also trying my best to protect my energy so sometimes i get in a mood of i don t want to talk to anyone like i m perfectly fine just being alone and it s like human these day don t understand this they get upset i don t want to be a bad person but i just can t handle too many friend or a lot of people in my life just hanging out in the background if i could just be alone forever i honestly would i been through so much trauma i don t trust anybody,Depression +37831,i m a 9 year old male currently in college doing engineering living with my parent i love my parent and they love me and you know the pandemic for the last year forced college to be online learning so i m at home studying with no job yes my parent pay for my education and everything i feel very depressed every day and i became this awful person that yell back at my parent and me sitting at home made me very lazy that if my mom tell me to do a chore then i become angry now is it that i don t have a job i feel depressed and lazy i know i need to change this anger inside of me but don t know how to start the next step thanks for reading this please share what you think,Depression +37832,coming from an asian household i ve been told to become a doctor since the age of the constant pressure for good grade led me to repeat my senior year of highschool drop out of university graduate from a local college and then re enroll to another program then drop out since my parent hated the program i graduated from i want to thank them for the support they showed especially when they called me useless dumb an embarassment and how they would disown me now i m year old with a fairly decent working from home job that i may get fired from since i ve ignored my workload due to cycling back into a depressive state i now purely cope by playing video game and jerking off i live everyday day dreaming and at the same time regretting my wasted youth all the while my parent look at me with disdain and remind me whenever they can about how i ruined my life that s the end of my ted talk fuck my life man,Depression +37833,i m having a horrible night and i m too nervous to call the suicide crisis hotline i just need someone to talk to really bad please,Depression +37834,i don t know if this is the right place but i just want to get this out of my system somewhere and a journal won t do if it doesn t belong here please delete my girlfriend and i are in an open relationship we both agreed on it and i never had any problem with it but after year of trying i have had zero success while my girlfriend can basically choose and it hurt it hurt seeing her choose other guy over me it hurt knowing she d rather spend time with them than with me what hurt the most is seeing her being happy listening to her talking about how exciting it is how much self esteem she gained from it and thus knowing that if i ever tell her that it hurt me i ll make her sad and i don t want to make her feel said even if it mean cry myself to sleep while she is having fun with our friend it s not her issue though she is always asking beore and afterwards if it is okey checking in on me and she would stop this instant if i would tell her about any of this but i know it would still hurt and limit her losing this part of her life and i can t and don t want to do that because i know that if i loose her my life would get miserable i d most likely stay the rest of my life alone and die alone i d lose almost everything positive in my life and i d rather die than having to live 0 miserable year alone thanks for putting up with my ridiculous and self inflicted shit and just remove it if it doesn t belog here,Depression +37835,anyone who also went through a heavy depressive state not moving around eating or doing anything etc know how to get their appetite back most day i ll only have one meal and that ll be it but i went to the doctor today and they said i might actually contract an illness a a result of this and would like to get me tested so i kinda wan na start fixing up,Depression +37836,m i ve been in a major spiral the last half a year or so with all kind of major issue coming up all at once i went to the hospital for sa in january and had to go back only a month later for sh and alcohol abuse on my campus usually when i get depressed however i get really really sad or destructive towards myself or i reach for weed or drink to keep me from thinking about thing but tonight is different i ve managed to keep myself from the drink so far tonight and i m out of edible so i can t vibe like that and i m having my usual spiraling out of control thought and feeling incredibly shitty but i also kind of just feel nothing normally i d be a wreck cry on the floor right now but i just feel like a hollowed out egg like my skin is only millimeter thick and the slightest tap will cave me in i can t emote at all i feel like i want nothing not even death rn just pure nothingness and it suck anyone have any experience with these feeling is this some sort of disassociation because i ve never had this acute of an experience before hopefully someone see this,Depression +37837,i feel like nobody really care if i m gone even my closest friend replaced and forgot about me i just want to sit in my room and rot i just want to stop existing last night wa the worst i couldn t sleep because i broke down and my head keep screaming i want to die i want to die i want to die i don t know if i want to ever get better when there s nothing to get better for i even got excited because i got covid before and thought if it get worse i could finally die but i just had to get better it wa my one chance to die and i got better i m so sick of living i m so sick of being abandoned by people i thought cared about me i just want to be gone and stop existing it s so painful it hurt to cry every night and exhaust myself to sleep in that way even waking up had me cry i m just waiting for something to happen to me so i don t have to kill myself instead to save my family from the shame they d experience if i took my own life instead,Depression +37838,so i had a really really rough childhood growing up my parent were abusive to me and i lived in an area where i got into a lot of fistfight trying to make it to the next day wa the hardest battle i attempted suicide by trying to hang myself when i wa i think the attempt failed however it left me with some minor brain damage i have a very difficult time trying to remember thing and think about thing sometimes at time it feel like i can t even read english it just doesn t click with me i ll sit and stare at it for like minute at a time before i finally understand it a for the memory issue i have a difficult time recalling some thing that have happened i will completely forget about something that happened say minute ago that most people would instantaneously remember anyway so i ve been feeling extremely strange lately i moved away from my parent after i turned and now i live in a completely different state and i am doing much better but i feel like i m still there i feel the aura of my childhood house it felt heavy if that make sense something keep weighing me down i m also smelling food that aren t being cooked food that i used to eat when i wa there i smelled a very strong scent of digiornio s pizza earlier but nobody here wa cooking it i ve also been sleeping in through the day and waking up at night so this weird feeling is intensified by like 0 time everything feel so dreamlike and liminal i can t tell the difference between reality and fiction anymore why doesn t anything feel real am i wrong to distrust my eye ha anyone else felt this way it would bring me great comfort to know that i am not alone,Depression +37839,i m so tired of the inertia of my life this never going anywhere meaningful for me i think about all the thing i d love to be doing and grow angry that certain circumstance constrain from doing them i hate that life is 9 doing thing because other people coerce you to do them i would like to feel like i have agency but you have very little when you re slaving away to just survive the worst thing is that this bid for survival is artificial and man made human being hate that other human have free will and must wring the autonomy from each other they use money and debt to control every aspect of your life they create law to tell you what to do with your body life and time i just want to do what i want to do with my finite life i want to accomplish what i want to accomplish not conform to society s view of materialistic success i want to live my life unencumbered by other people s stupid judgment i want to be free edit i m sorry if the above is incoherent i just feel so trapped in my life so helplessly trapped,Depression +37840,i m am a year old male and i don t know if it s healthy to feel this way one of my relative is not feel so well and i myself feel like this have been affected me a lot recently and i also feel like i can t take all the thing at school i just feel like a total failure and that i will never be anything or get a good job and i feel like the only think i know is that i shan t to impress my dad but i just feel more shit every time i fail a test i feel like i m disappointing him more and more,Depression +37841,im falling apart bad i fell from grace and i don t know where i m going where do i begin i m so insecure i just got a bad haircut today and i feel ugly i m and a guy im just constantly in pain a little over a month ago my girlfriend left me this wa on february th i had such a beautiful girlfriend who didn t care about my height she started liking me in high school i m starting to feel like i m giving up i miss her so much she treated me like i wa a human and now i have no faith in anyone else looking at me like that she wa with me for and a year and left me i feel like my life is crumbling i don t know how to stand back up and take back over i had a fall from what i thought would never end i never thought she would leave me i m literally just a pit of despair and i act everyday like i m not i go laugh a little go to class go to the gym it s all fake i feel like garbage inside i went to party the last week and had fun all fake my heart ha been in my stomach since she broke up with me and i m seriously falling apart i don t know what to do i can t even gather my thought on here to type what s the point anymore i m barely hanging in there anymore,Depression +37842,i m 9 male and autistic i have never had a relationship with anyone not even a date i had a few crush but i m too shy and socially awkward to act on them when girl try to flirt or hit on me i miss the sign because my brain doesn t work properly so i accidentaly reject them just to realize what i did a few hour later and get even sadder because i blew another chance i don t understand how i m supposed to find a romantic partner but i really want one i also don t think i would make a good partner my sex drive is high every slight mention of anything sex related give me a semi i really want to lose my virginity but the idea of being that intimate with another person is terrifying to me i would have to break so many social boundary to let anyone get so close to me and i wouldn t be comfortable breaking those boundary for another person either i stopped trying to talk about this with people close to me because no one understands i just wish i didn t have to deal with all these urge i ll never be able to fulfill i hate my life,Depression +37843,i feel like i didn t do a much a i should have done in term of content creation and getting myself out there during 0 9 and 0 0 i know there s obvious reason a to why i couldn t do some of this stuff in 0 0 but i sometimes get myself really down for not doing certain thing i could have done in that time on my own i try to comfort myself when i see others who did certain thing at my age but sometimes it not enough i really hate how i feel so disoriented with my age due to not feeling like i did enough what i wa supposed to i m thinking of trying to see if i can be prescribed anti depressant so i can feel le crappy about myself,Depression +37844,bullying ha really given me trauma i have social anxiety because of it i wa bullied in middle school because i wa ugly and i went to a prestigious school so lot of rich kid i m poor and i wa bullied for my clothes i only have friend i m starting to hate going to school and want to become a shut in it s so unfair i used to be so confident and social and now i m scared of raising my hand in class to use the restroom i try to make up natural look for clothes now but i can t do anything about my stupid ugly face and i wish i had the courage to vent irl but i just passively wait for someone to ask first,Depression +37845,i don t really feel like i could talk to anyone here about it i sure a hell don t have the motivation to get a therapist though it would likely help honestly sometimes i wonder how i m expected to make it so many year there s just no way i can afford to smoke enough weed to get through even though i graduate in a couple month and move to college i know it s not gon na get better it s the same but new and ill just get to relive this hell again truthfully i have no hope for the future despite my inability to pull my own plug i realized however i don t think i could kill myself not anymore so i ll just keep sitting here though i really don t want to,Depression +37846,it all started a couple year ago when i wa about to start a new job i wa lucky and bet that the stock market would go down with the few thousand dollar i made from my internship of course this wa when covid wa just hitting so i became hugely profitable from only a couple thousand dollar to m in value in only a month thinking back on it i wa crazy reckless i made my first million and then le than a week later i made my second million i wa feeling incredible thought i could retire and never have to work again but like all gambler i kept putting my money in trying to make more and more of course with the risk i wa taking eventually it would all come crashing down fast forward today i m now k in debt plus another 0k in student loan on the surface my friend think i m hugely successful because i flexed i made m to them didn t spend a dime though just kept trying to make more and more i also make 00k a year 00k salary with the rest a a one time bonus but only have in my bank account currently i no longer play in the stock market but have recently been doing sport gambling of course i keep losing money on that there are time that i go on a nice streak but it s like every time i lose i keep trying to make back my loss which make me do even dumber play i m not sure what i m expecting by writing this but i feel so embarrassed to tell the people i m close with my girlfriend of multiple year know that i no longer have a lot of money but don t know i m in debt my parent are super supportive but i m too embarrassed to tell them how bad my situation is i guess that s why i m writing to a bunch of stranger online i know my pursuit of trying to make back my money is wrong but i can t stop trying to get out of debt i feel so dumb it s like i see a rock in front of me but i keep on tripping over it it feel like i m slowly unraveling and feeling incredibly hopeless i can t sleep thinking about how my life ha gone downhill in such a short period of time my younger self would be straight up embarrassed if he could see me now i don t have suicidal thought yet but no longer feel the same motivation in life that i used to if only i never made that money in the first place,Depression +37847,i have been caught in a cycle of depression v being hyper active it is a struggle to stay focused in either of those state of being doe anyone have a track or a song or even something you made yourself to help get out of this hole i love music and i need a new sound please help,Depression +37848,why do i feel like when i m about to talk to someone i always see what am i lacking and how to provide solution for it and then not going to tell it in the end wtf,Depression +37849,i m really starting to believe my life will not get better i ve been so sad for so long i don t see a fkin point sorry for the rant just really over life and fkin shit people,Depression +37850,my entire body hurt i m so weak it took me minute to finally pick up my phone from my nightstand and type this i can t get myself to eat i m starving if the bathroom wasn t right next to me i d be having issue i m supposed to be doing school i can t even think about it right now i sleep hour a day and spend the rest of it wishing i could sleep more i feel like i m captive in my own bed i look disgusting i wish i could just die in my sleep i feel so much pain this is what hell must feel like my parent can t afford to institutionalize me therapy doesn t help my life ha no structure if suicide doesn t kill me then i ll die of dehydration or malnutrition i m stuck here and left to rot i need help my situation is dire but what do i even do at this point honestly i ll just kill myself and i ll no longer be a burden to my family,Depression +37851,i went to a friend wedding with my boyfriend today and had a pretty bad episode we walked into the venue and i felt fine ten minute later i m having a panic attack in the bathroom i wa mute the entire time disassociating i couldn t eat i had so much anxiety we had to leave early amp i just felt so embarrassed my bf is very supportive and understanding but i still feel guilty and burdensome i wish i didn t get hit so hard by the low,Depression +37852,hey everyone i ve been a long time reader of this sub and i wan na say first of all that i wish you all the best of life truly i m writing this in great sadness my life isn t bad i ve got a good family awesome friend there s nothing obviously wrong about me i study i work i m in my early 0 i ve made the life for myself that i thought i should and needed to have the problem is there s absolutely nothing about my life that make me happy that i can say that truly satisfies and fulfills me about two year ago i decided to made some radical change in my life i lost a ton of weight i started working more on my look my social skill budding up my confidence i got a job that despite being shitty af ha made me somewhat independent financially i feel like i ve come so far like i ve overcome so much yet right now i m writing you this in such a deep sadness i simply feel sad i feel empty i feel alone mostly i feel alone i feel misunderstood i feel like i m out of place i don t belong anywhere that i try to go t i don t belong to anyone and it s been like this every single day for the last year i feel like i m going mad i ve tried all i can and i truly mean this all that i possible could have done to find even the slightest resemblance of happiness but i haven t sometimes it feel like i m finding a way like i m finding some light but then suddenly it all go away i m tired guy it s my biggest shame in life to have to admit this that i somehow find myself in my early 0 saying i don t have any will to live the many year of life that i still have ahead of me and yet this is the truth i m tired and i don t want to continue not this way at least sometimes i wonder why me why did it happen to me,Depression +37853,i just don t know what to do i m too cowardly to just end my life once and for all but at the same time i just can t fucking take it anymore i don t get why good thing happen to bad people and bad thing happen to good people this world is unfair and bullshit and the people in it are toxic what should i do,Depression +37854,i ve been feeling really down recently don t really want to be alive but i know that if i tell my therapist i am suicidal she ll put in me in a psych ward so while i will tell her i m sad and depressed and why i m those thing but i won t tell her more don t really want to be in a ward probably won t try to kill myself if i m being homest but don t want to be alive,Depression +37855,i feel hopeless like time is passing by and i m just here useless like nothing i do or say can change a goddamn thing i m tired of feeling this way but a soon a i get close to getting out of this hole something reel me right back in i don t have anyone to share these thought with so here i am i feel stupid for even posting how i feel like i should have someone to spill this to but i don t stupid pathetic worthless it s all that defines how i feel,Depression +37856,this is a rant i saw a video about how this one person love every day of the week for a different reason and i immediately started cry cause i realized i can t remember the last time i wa excited to wake up the next day i haven t brushed my teeth in day my room is absolutely disgusting the stupidest thing make me sad or angry i got mud on my shoe bawled for hour dropped and spilt my drink cried got a craving for cooky but knew i wouldn t make them cried i feel like every day is a loop i m only and i miss school at least once a week and now my mom force me to go because of my many absence and it s sooo hard i feel like a disappointment to my parent because at the beginning of the year and i always have been a straight a student in advanced class now my grade are filled with c s and d s even though i m trying so hard,Depression +37857,like a battery in a remote s back that keep it working i wish i could also remove the battery and just turn off for a while,Depression +37858,this isn t getting better and i don t want to be here anymore,Depression +37859,hi i ve been focusing on my mental health recently and i think i have depression here are my symptom i am constantly irritated i do not like any human interaction whatsoever for some reason i just don t like dealing with other people this varies from day to day i don t know if it s from past experience but i can t stand other people physically i have no energy finding interest in anything is an arduous task for me i am happy for those close to me that achieve or accomplish something but i just can t express it i notice this because i don t smile or act happy when it happens i have no motivation i am financially confident but i don t see the value of my work i don t know that to do with the reward i have earned with work i sleep a lot i probably sleep around 0hrs a day if anyone can explain if i do from past experience or if you are a professional please reply thanks,Depression +37860,i just spent a good half of my morning trying to convince myself to get up and go to class how it is unbelievably stupid that i wa and had been skipping all the class just to lay around in bed practically doing nothing how my parent and relative would be disappointed that their money is being wasted on me me who don t know what i want to do have no idea why i m even still breathing all these good reason to get up and brush my teeth and go to class and i just pulled my blanket over my head and wait till it wa too late god why am i like this,Depression +37861,my first appointment is on saturday but i can t fucking wait this out it s only two more day i need fucking help but it s over a fucking zoom call and i really can not keep going on anymore i need help so bad i don t feel comfortable talking to anybody else fuck this should i just die already i can t keep waking up anymore,Depression +37862,just curious i ve been prescribed psychiatric medication my whole life and not a single one ha ever worked for me the best it could do is make me tired but in every other case it either did nothing or did something but not in a good way for example adderall and zoloft when i took adderall routinely in 0 9 i became malnourished because it killed my appetite and my teeth started breaking i developed clubbing on my fingertip and i wa manic depressed suicidal irate pissed off anxious scared and stressed the fuck out constantly every single day for 9 month straight with little to no break whatsoever from march december 0 9 zoloft made me sick a a dog that one morning i took it on an empty stomach there wa other stuff i didn t like too like trazodone which i started taking when it first came out and it wa like a huge trapezoid shaped pill that wa painful to swallow although they later changed this which made me uncomfortably tired a if i were being tranquilized then risperdal which made me have weird thought and grow tit and another one that wa really bad wa rexulti which wa rather new and experimental at the time i took it and after taking one of them i experienced full blown psychosis depakote did nothing for me whatsoever and clonidine made me a zombie when i first started taking it and all remeron doe is made me tired i wa actually given a dna test by my old doctor and she found that hardly any psychiatric medication of any sort including antidepressant and antipsychotic would work given my chemistry but she did find that i wa very receptive to cannabinoids the only psych med that ever made me feel good wa thorazine i took at a psychiatric intake when i wa upset and it kinda made me feel stoned from the best of my memory but then again i only took it one time the only medication that ha ever worked for me is marijuana hemp like the delta ape blunts that are delta 9 and 0 thc because delta 9 even in hemp is still controlled with no more than 0 allowed in a product since it is the psychoactive component in regular cannabis that get you too high and cause all that trippy paranoia shit you usually get off stronger stuff and even then this ha only been legal since 0 i ve noticed that weed not only uplift my mood when i m on it but even after it make me happy and improves my mental state in the long term the only time when i m not happy is when i m dry you re not you when you re sober no amount of chemical in a lab is going to fix that,Depression +37863,i started seroquel week ago and i don t feel like myself all i want to do is sleep i work hour shift a week and it s all i can do to get through them i keep reminding myself i can t quit because i need my health insurance so i can get my antidepressant i m so tired my parent deserve a better daughter my friend deserve a better friend my boyfriend deserves a better girlfriend,Depression +37864,i can t take it anymore,Depression +37865,lately i ve been feeling like i want to go to meeting like aa but with people struggling with depression or people that defeated it i don t know if this exist anywhere in the world i just know that it doesn t exists in my city have anyone experienced this if so can you tell me how is it like i feel like i have a lot to share but it s not necessarily good or i m feeling better and don t get me wrong im in therapy but i just feel like i have to share more and with people who s living the same thing,Depression +37866,but telling them im not will just make them worry they got their own problem dont need mine too,Depression +37867,of everything hating being alive hating myself being bitter and lonely i see it only getting worse i want to just die,Depression +37868,i already called in yesterday for work i wa up all night laying here just awake counting down the hour to work wa so exhausted by the time work came around that i called in and even then i couldn t sleep it s now 0 pm and i ve gotten under an hour of sleep in the last 0 hr i m starting to worry a bit this month ha been so hard for me i literally almost walked into traffic on the way to work last week been cry so much i m so alone and it really scare me because i m going through all of this by myself,Depression +37869,being a short man in america is terrible it is terrible how we r treated in the dating world for something we can t change people say oh well suck it up but they don t know how it feel to watch your crush in h laugh u off a u ask her to prom to just go out with the tall d football kid i ve honestly thought of ending it all at this point because there s no point in living this life i don t even want to have kid if they end up being short this cruel world will just chew them up and spit them out,Depression +37870,i need friend i am so sad and lonely please help,Depression +37871,i m so bored with life i know it s not worth living i don t have anyone to hang out with or do thing with so all i do is go to work and stay home i m an adventurous outdoorsy and outgoing person and love getting out there and doing thing but i have no transportation and don t know how to ride a bike i can barely afford to take lyft and uber to work and back home my life ha no excitement to it and there is nothing interesting about it everything is pointless like i work in a grocery store a an order picker for example and what s the point of helping people shop for grocery they are going to need again the next week it s the same thing day after day and week after week it s all pointless what we do today won t matter in a month or year i m just done with this whole life thing sometimes i get legitimately pissed off for the simple fact that i wa even born and not aborted i wish every day my birth mom aborted me now i m just a worthless sack of shit taking up space and sucking up air i have tried making my life worth living by moving to a warmer climate getting a better job and starting my own business but the excitement of it all wear off everything turned out to be a flop i can t do anything right since i don t belong here i firmly believe my existence is an accident not they type of accident of an unplanned pregnancy but like i wa never meant to exist type of accident i realized a long time ago i don t belong in this world and i honestly don t want to be a part of it anymore,Depression +37872,someone pls tell me how to get over this i m currently nearly so i ve known this guy for year met him early 0 9 i know this sound stupid af but i met him online on minecraft when i wa nearly so i wa and at that time my sister had attempted suicide multiple time i had no friend at school and didn t go outside for week it wa school summer holiday i spent all my time playing minecraft with him on call and would message him all night when i wasn t playing the game he s also american and i m british went back to school and had like friend and carried on talking to him he started to like me and told me that but i literally did not like him at all and wanted to just be friend a i thought dating online wa weird anyway we ended up stopping talking a i moved on with my life made more friend at school and started being a normal teen with a normal life boy etc probably around early 0 0 i started talking to him again a i messaged him on instagram we spoke for a day then wouldn t talk for or so and this went on for a few month then we stopped talking completely novemeber 0 0 i dropped out on school in year 0 due to mental health issue and wa really at my lowest point i started talking to him again btw i barely remember anything from 0 0 bc i think my mental health just f cked up my brain we spoke for hour every night and day i m just adding that he s hispanic he skate his voice is so nice and he s literally my entire type anyway we talked and talked and we both fell in love he made me feel like a person he made me feel like everything i felt like nothing for so long and like i didn t belong and nothing made me happy and he just fixed everything me being me i would cause argument with him when he didn t reply within like 0 minute which ik wa so wrong of me to do i ruined everything by just keep going on at him for being dry etc because i wa so scared he would fall out of love with me he started being distant with me and talking to me le and not being like he used to be it really upset me what i mean by that is i would not eat i would not sleep i would stalk everything he wa doing i ended up getting blocked by him on absolutely everything even spotify it ruined me i made new account to get unblocked and the whole talking for age him being dry getting blocked repeated about time up until now he doesn t love me anymore he told me he wa all i ever wanted in a person last time i wa blocked it wa for about month life wa pointless without him he s just some guy online who could be doing whatever and i wouldn t know because i live thousand of mile from him but i love him i don t know why but i have this obsession with him i don t even think it s love anymore he is on my mind with no exaggeration everytime someone mention his name i smile and get butterfly i don t want to be here anymore if he isn t in my life his mood affect my mood i m currently still talking to him but he s dry which make me feel so depressed sometimes i think he ha a love spell on me or some shit he changed he used to be so nice and innocent then he went to high school and smoke weed and talk differently and treat me like i m just there like i m not a person anyway when i m talking to him and he s dry i don t want to talk to him anymore when i don t talk to him i want to literally die it s a cycle i m never going to get out of please don t tell me to meet someone new because i ve already tried that i started meeting guy to try and get over him but he s always in my head with everything i do he s already in my mind and i can never let him go he doesn t care if i don t talk to him anymore he s only staying because he probably feel like he ha to no one else can compare to him i don t know why i m like this and i hate myself for it i hate myself and he s the only one to make it okay pls help i know i m young but it s messing with my head,Depression +37873,can anyone help me out with this it s been year since i have these thought flying inside my head and i genuinely don t know how i am still alive sometimes when i m driving i think about crashing my car other time i think about having an overdose or jumping off a cliff i don t know what s wrong with me i don t really have any reason to be sad or anything the trauma i dealt with i overcame them so i don t know what s happening these intrusive thought hunt me i don t know why i am not depressed nor do i feel down sad and i really mean this i don t know where this all come from please be kind,Depression +37874,throwaway account for privacy reason i just graduated with an advanced degree and got into job search i ve been struggling with depression for year and i think at first it wa the high functioning kind but in the last few year it seemed to have turned to the demotivational kind of depression i m tired all the time and i always pick the easy thing to do easy entertainment watch thing mindlessly easy way to go to sleep scroll on my phone until i m too tired to stay awake etc it come and go in wave too sometimes i d get the energy to do thing or to do something along the line of self improvement other time i would just want to sleep i ve learned that some thing trigger depressive episode much faster than others but i m not sure how to let these trigger pas without the episode full on hitting me for instance one of the trigger is a perceived sense of being excluded from thing or being rejected or being shown or told that i m not good enough can you tell that i suffer from an inferiority complex anyway today that trigger came from one of my tennis group friend who wanted to set up a play session every two week for advanced player in our amateur tennis group this doesn t conflict with any of our other scheduled play session and i know that i m not good enough to be in the advanced group all of my tennis friend are good people and i know that there s always going to be room in the advanced group for people who improve and get to that level even knowing all this i got so depressed over the span of about minute that i just stopped functioning i think that since this group of friend ha been my only real support for the last few year anything that happens in the group that i see a a rejection of myself just instantly take me down now that i m in the middle of it it feel like the only thing i can do is wait for it to pas because talking out of it or building myself up don t work when all i can think about is how i ve failed everything and that i ve never and will never live up to anyone s standard including my own sorry for the long selfish post i m struggling daily with imposter syndrome and a sense of inadequacy the trigger just happened to be this particular thing today,Depression +37875,i live at home and i love my parent but i m beginning to spiral after an incident month ago i ve been profoundly depressed and stressed out i wa renting but moved back home to save money while trying to get myself back in order especially because my med stopped working i m an only child and my parent have no friend so now that i m back home all they want to do is constantly talk to me i already have poor sleep a it is but it could be am and my dad will shake me awake to talk about a car or his work day or my mom will come in and talk to me about my finance or why i never talk to her about my mental health one time recently i had been woken up so abruptly i could feel my entire nervous system jolt like i had been struck by lighting even thinking about it make my entire body randomly hurt i never get to be alone anymore i try to get alone time but i never get it for more than a couple hour at an time bc of the sleep deprivation i hallucinate now i hear and see thing i honestly wish somthing would happen to me and it would just all end life s so stressful and the little thing aren t fun anymore i hate myself i hate everything i used to love nothing fun anymore what s the fucking point,Depression +37876,so i m have been feeling down rather often the last few year but these last few month im feeling constantly down my life just feel stuck everyday when my alarm ring i just cant get out of bed even tho i usually sleep for hour or so i end up laying in bed for or hour thinking about how shitty my life is and how i dont make progress at all i also get suicidal thought alot even tho i dont have any intention to harm myself in any way i dont want to die but smh my brain doesnt get that so yesterday i decided to finally get help and call my doc for an appointment before making that call i sat there and stared at the number contemplating if i really wanted to do this i made a list and wrote down reason why i want to get help and reason why i dont everything just pointed to me making that call and after hour i finally pressed call so then i wa on the phone with a woman at my doctor office i told her with a kinda shaky voice that i would like an appointment she asked what it wa about and i told her that i felt rather bad lately had trouble sleeping and am feeling tired alot i didnt feel comfortable sharing that i feel depressed she said she doesnt have a free spot in the next few week and told me i should come in without an appointment on thursday or friday so now im here without an appointment contemplating if i should actually go there tomorrow it kinda suck that im in the situation before the phonecall again where i have to make that decision to get help im so nervous about getting help i dont know what i should even say i dont know how to talk about my feeling i dont even know if ill make it out of bed tonorrow before the doctor office close im so afraid about revealing this about me but i dont think i can pull myself out of this without help can someone maybe give me some kind word and share their experience with finally opening up so my anxiety about this come to an ease,Depression +37877,so i ve been working really hard this last year on overcoming mdd agoraphobia and social issue over the last year i ve gone from making it out of the house for hour a month long enough to go to the doctor and grocery shopping to managing 0 hour a week i m still working up to doing thing on successive day it usually take a day or so to recover otherwise thing start getting rough but it s significantly better than before not advocating this approach it s what worked for me and may not work for others i had a lot of sensitivity to what wa being prescribed and it wa causing more harm than good talk with a professional before doing anything medication related part of what seemed to help wa getting away from medication over year we tried or so different thing and it just didn t work well now the hardest thing i do is caffeine and multivitamin there is a noticable difference in energy level and depression if i go more than a few day without vitamin so if you aren t taking any you may want to look into them i had been pushing thing the last couple month and wa starting to have burnout issue it wa hard not to a i felt like i wa starting to break through thing i m working at a different approach now just going until i start to feel uncomfortable and stopping if it s feasible rather than pushing until i have a full panic episode i m not getting a much done every day but so far i m starting each day more consistently it a little difficult stopping when i feel like i can keep going but i m hopeful that the better consistency will be more productive in the long term a bad a thing were a couple year ago to where they are now give me hope for others too i wa going to bed praying for death and cursing every morning i woke up i have hope and have truly started to love myself if you re going through a hard time thing can get better love you all take care and be well,Depression +37878,can your job fire you if you attend an intensive outpatient program and need to work part time while you attend my therapist and psychiatrist said they would not be able to but my therapist wasn t entirely sure,Depression +37879,for the last 0ish or so year i ve spent most of my day wishing i wa never born my first suicide attempt wa when i wa in nd grade i held a giant kitchen knife to my heart and stood in my kitchen daring myself to fall over and honestly if it weren t for the pain it would ve caused my parent i wish i had nothing ha any meaning at all for me anymore and honestly never ha i m afraid all the time i feel like complete shit my anxiety ha gotten so bad i can no longer work which wa the only way i ever contributed anything i hate myself i hate myself so much if i could go back in time i would shove that knife so far into my heart without a second thought i wish i had the strength to take myself out of the picture but accomplishing anything ha never been my strong suit my wife just asked me if she could get me anything and the first thing that popped into my head wa a gun and hollow point bullet but i m too weak to even take that step i have stage kidney disease i can t work i feel like garbage all the fucking time last year i passed out and broke my face i can t stop thinking about blacking out like that again and never waking up i fantasize about it every day i m a burden to everyone around me and if it wasn t for my son and the fact that i m incapable of accomplishing simple task anymore i would totally take myself out i have friend but none that i feel like i can talk to about this i m so alone i can t do this anymore i m seeing therapist i ve gone to partial hospitalization for anxiety nothing will work though because i m totally broken and unfixable i m not worth fixing nor do i know how i haven t done anything terrible to anyone or ever hurt anyone my life is just empty and it always ha been a blackhole of worthlessness that take all the joy fun and cheer out of a room split it a part and make it completely unrecognizable i m the worst person i know personally everything just feel so hard my wife just told me today that we have a meeting with social security for disability benefit tomorrow and there wa some paperwork that needed to be handled i completely lost it for 0 minute after she told me that i couldn t stop thinking about way to kill myself before the meeting tomorrow i m so not ok and not being around anymore would definitely be better than existing a i currently am amp x 00b sorry this is a rambling mess i m really fucked up right now and i just needed to get this off my chest i m not going to actually kill myself that is waaaaay more effort than i currently have energy for,Depression +37880,i am 0 married year this october and a four year old about to start school none of this matter when i m expected to pick up the slack for my family and their failing my sister wa diagnosed with schizophrenia my parent have no idea how to deal with it having lived with chronic depression their entire life and relying on faith to get them through she s refusing treatment medication and in denial of her condition it s a constant cycle of her being unstable hospitalized until shes able to manipulate the doctor that she s okay and go home to torment u my brother is leaving his military job after year and freaking out because he doesn t think he ll survive a a civilian i m fairly certain he ha his own mental issue stemming from way back but he s also just barnacled on to me for guidance i wanted to kill myself i wa about to and i called and got help and i ve been on medication for year i struggled with alcoholism in my early 0 and decided to stay sober for my daughter and i m finding it hard to hang on with all of this going on i m finding it hard to help people who don t want to help themselves but if i don t then everything just go to hell and i m the one to blame because i m the smart one and have to guide everyone where they re supposed to go it s exhausting having to care for people who refuse to accept they have issue i feel like i m being punished for being the only one in my family for having had the fortitude to acknowledge my mental illness it s taking a toll on my marriage and i am scared of the consequence of what that would entail i worry for my child because if i can t take care of myself then i can t take care of her i m staring at the same abyss that wa before me those year ago when i wa spiraling and i don t want to be here again anyway thanks for hearing me out reddit i just needed to verbalize it to make sure i m not just imagining it all,Depression +37881,for the last week my mental health had been in a good place but i recently got some bad news and i already can feel myself spiralling like crazy what are some good way to ground myself i have tried breathing technique and i am on some medication for the first time in my life i have the urge to get a bottle of vodka and drink it i just want to be sitting at my desk happy and laughing and maybe this will help sorry about the formatting i have an injured hand at the moment,Depression +37882,i know vain reason to be depressed but i ve been so rejected all my life that it would be good to know if somebody remembers me,Depression +37883,i ve just had enough of everything i don t know what to do anymore or who to talk to i tried to end my life twice through overdose and that didn t work i have episode where i just don t want to be here anymore i get agitated and it doesn t matter what anyone say or doe it doesn t make it any better i fear that i will have an episode of contemplating suicide and i ll just jump off a bridge it s like my mind take over and i don t think of anyone else my last resort is sectioning and i know what it s like i live in uk but i feel like that would be the safest environment for me where i can focus on getting better without having that constant worry of ending my life can anyone provide any advice at all i would appreciate it i just feel like my life is so pointless growing up with a disability being bullied always feeling different to everyone else childhood trauma and now having a constant battle everyday with my mental health i try to get on with life but i always feel like it would be better if i wasn t here,Depression +37884,i wish thing were different in life i m just a useless piece of shit that deserves to die i deserve all the pain i m about to receive that s just the way it is,Depression +37885,i feel completely exhausted my life isn t going anywhere and i ve got nobody to turn to,Depression +37886,i am struggling with depression for about a year now it make me do thing i don t want to do i ve lost a good friend that i ve known over year because my mind told me to hate him i started calling him name and told him that i want this friendship to end i apologized so many time explained everything and tried to stay in contact but now we just go our way my best friend know about my depression and always support me but today they started arguing with me i think they are getting sick of me my mind tell me to hate them too but i luckily can t bring myself to cut them off my body is very often freezing i m sometimes even heavily shaking because of this idk why is this related to my depression my suicidal thought are getting worse i don t really want to die but i don t want to live either wait no i do want to die but i am too afraid of failing an attempt and having to live with the injury i might get doe anyone else have these problem doe anyone know how to deal with this also doe anyone wan na talk i feel lonely and i don t want to bother my friend,Depression +37887,i spent my whole life being bullied by everyone including biological family now i m an adult and i m forced to make money quick and the only way in my situation is college and a job i don t wan na spend my whole working and being bullied at home that s not my life anymore i want the freedom of death i considered it year ago but now it s the real thing i got ta make the decision now and i m just thinking about how relieving it would be realize the knife is already in too deep and there s no going back the only thing that matter now is nothing and that s how it ll always be i really really really want that so bad especially now when i realized i can t wait out my pain any longer,Depression +37888,yeah i know most people probably see all this a a joke but i ve seriously got no friend or anyone to talk or turn to it s seriously bringing me down even more it s a if i m not even good enough for an online friendship my depression make me feel so isolated and lonely in life and i m sick of it,Depression +37889,i m just a complete mess right now,Depression +37890,i have rewritten this post a hundred time and i have lurked this page trying to build up the courage to write my own i don t even care if anyone read this but i need to just finally get it off my chest a i have no one to confide in due to my career if i get help for my mental health i am basically saying goodbye to everything i have been working towards but i can t take it anymore everyday i pretend to be the picture perfect person who only feel happiness i hide how i am truly feeling and it ha become so exhausting to just get out of bed everyday my whole life ha been filled with abandonment and people who have only used me for their own personal gain no one ha ever truly cared for me not even my so called family i have isolated myself from everyone around me to prevent any further pain in doing this i have isolated myself from feeling any emotion at all i ve tried working through my abandonment issue and began to let people in and trust more just for them to show me exactly why i cut everyone out to begin with i am always alone and i feel a though i am no longer living i am just here taking up space and air i have felt this way for long that i don t even know if i have any real emotion anymore i don t know what to do i just want to feel something again,Depression +37891,why do i feel worthless,Depression +37892,im y o my mom died when i wa 9 and ever since then ive had no motivation to do anything i used to be into sport a lot football baseball basketball track and i wa pretty good at it too but ever since my mom passed i just cant seem to be happy fr people always ask me why i gave up why my grade went down why im not how i wa year ago when i go to school im a pretty popular person and i d like to think im a pretty funny person and fun person to be around but when i get home im alone just me and my thought and it literally killing me ive thought about killing myself multiple time and im sure the only reason i haven t is because i couldn t put my father through that please give me some type of advice i honestly dont think i can do this any longer amp x 00b i posted this under a different subreddit about two week ago i took the advice people gave to me and it didint work everything just feel like it wont get better no matter how hard i try i genuinely feel like there no escape and that killing myself is the best option people always say oh you need to do what would make your mother happy okay and what about what make me happy i wan na play sport again so badly but my dad to scared to let me because he doesn t want me to lose sight in my other eye to be honest football basketball and baseball where some of the only thing that made me happy and now that i cant play them it just make everything worse i just miss my mom she wa the only person that made me happy really and i really didnt even get that much time with her,Depression +37893,it s so exhausting waking up every morning instantly with a wave of sadness and discontent then the whole day is filled with me trying to keep my mind off of my own thought and trying to chase little happiness i m tired of this why can t i just wake up happy and in a good mood like everyone else i m so exhausted and tired of living like this nothing help and nothing sustains it i try to workout but that doesn t help i m at a loss of thing to do about it this isn t how i want to live life and it s exhausting and more of a burden,Depression +37894,hey everyone i recently moved to another country for work this seemed like the best option due to lack of option in my own country the move came just after various treatment facility to manage addiction which i believe wa a side affect of my depression my experience in this new country ha been hectic no one can speak english so making new friend and connection are so difficult i have found myself wallowing in this outside of work i pretty much just sit in my apartment feeling really sad last night i had a dream that pushed me to a new low this morning the dream pretty much had me in a group of friend having a good time i don t remember any of their face there wa even a girl that i remember making me feel loved i dont remember her face either but that connection left me feeling so so alone,Depression +37895,i ve been lying for year about how i feel right to people face i feel like i can never be the real me a it would burden other people with my feeling i always sabotage myself by keeping to myself until i break and hurt the other people around me but i just can t get out of the hole i ve dug for myself i m completely burnt out and don t have any motivation to do anything anymore i mean my day literally consist of listening to music and not much else because it s one of the few thing i find joy in i don t enjoy many thing anymore because everything i care about always get taken away i don t understand why i exist at this point is it just to lie to and hurt the people i care for,Depression +37896,yeah two people fucked and now i m here i know i know but that s not what i m getting at really why the fuck am i here i have no redeeming quality can t maintain friendship childhood emotional neglect very bad social anxiety depression anxiety ha absolutely fucked my short term cognitive memory i could go on and on but i m not going to because i m simply too fucking tired to do so,Depression +37897,i don t know what i want i want logic but it s depressing i want hope but it s uncertain i want peace but alway feel at war am i the villain,Depression +37898,doe anyone else think that depression can t be cured treatment resistant depression is a term that i think about and seeing that some people may just be born to have it and deal with it for life no matter what you could have the most idealistic life imaginable and have no identifiable trigger and still be depressed and if it s down to serotonin dopamine or whatever anyone think is happiness isn t working and nothing is making a difference then what is there to fix it i m told about coping mechanism from everyone i talk to about it who s qualified and a a psychology uni dropout the little i think i ve learned ha not given any answer that satisfy this a coping these day just isn t something that make sense to me a everything i try feel like a waste of effort to distract from the inevitable thought of wanting to essentially meet the earth and feeling nothing no idea really why i m asking this a it s not really going to be a easy post to find a reply for i understand that but it doe kind of seem that feeling crap all the time could just be a natural decision made by whoever whatever or nothing beforehand for u to deal with until the end,Depression +37899,hello i am year old an an male i feel completly empty especally when iam in shool i laugh but i dont find the joke funny at all i just dont wan na make them feel bad but it hurt me fake laughting and when iam home i am glad that i am away from shool because for me shool is like an room where everyday it the same thing but in different subject i just feel empty thank you for reading my text sorry for my bad english,Depression +37900,so me and my boyfriend met at we were friend for yr first we had the same grade in school and got into the same top university fast forward to our final year at university my boyfriend take a different major to me he is getting top grade and had a great job lined after he graduate i on the other hand have completely given up on life i gave up learning to drive seeing my friend going to class i m probably not graduating i gave up on wanting to do something with my art aswell i spent my last year physically and mentally ill i worked so many hour a a a waitress because my family are really low on money but ive even given up on working a lot he s just more bubbly and smart compared to me he s also not a poor a i am he s just better than me,Depression +37901,i don t have motivation to do anything concerning school or work i m constantly tired despite getting proper amount of sleep i don t have any particular emotion towards anything i ve grown to hate the idea of going out with friend now because of how ugly i feel and low i think about myself i always think about my weight thinking what to eat and when i ve never had thought about sh until a few day ago for the past four month i ve been feeling like i have depression hating my life ha become the new norm for me and i keep waiting for when this feeling will end with no luck,Depression +37902,today i took the very scary choice of going to the hospital i don t know if i needed to but i wasn t sure how safe i wa and wanted to be careful a few hour a benzo and a long therapy session later i wa out and feeling pretty great about myself i did the right thing i relied on professional help i made sure i wasn t burdening my family and then my wife told me she didn t want me to come home and this just fucking broke me can you imagine getting out of the hospital after a surgery or accident and having your spouse tell you they don t want to see you would anyone say after you got out your appendix you weren t there for me today so i don t want to see you i understand and respect that being with someone with a mental illness is really hard i have done so many thing that would totally justify leaving me but what s breaking me is that the thing that i am getting turned away for wasn t my horrible behavior but the time i did the right thing the time i got help,Depression +37903,my mood change fast and i don t think i am bipolar a it s usually a reason why my mood change and it can all change in a day like i m in a good mood and then like couple hour past and i just get negative thought and i m down again like i already lost people this year my ex best friend who used to be my best friend like year ago and losing him a a friend this year didn t really hurt a it wa my decision to cut him out of my life he wa a real bad narcissist and probably a sociopath so cutting him out felt good the one thing that hurt is losing my sister a we used to be so close but recently she became a lot more social and ha a lot of friend and she doesn t even want to speak to me or spend time with me anymore even though i m the older sibling i m and she s 0 it s just scary how easy people can just leave your life and even though i have a best friend that is good to me and i am talking to a girl but i m just worried it will end a i m just bad with my emotion probably because of my anxiety i m really not sure how i can get better like sometimes i feel great it feel like euphoric even like i m more hyper talkative and confident but it never last long and then i m just back to my usual mood just being sad depressed and anxious i know somethings wrong with me probably i tried cbt therapy for anxiety and depression but it didn t really help me i m on an antidepressant a well which ha never worked on me i just take it a it make me sleep i hate living like this i just want to smoke weed and get drunk so that i can stop all the negative thought and i hate it it feel like my life is a mess it s so much effort to get out of my bed and i just hate my life like wtf sometimes i feel like going to thailand and becoming spiritual or something,Depression +37904,i m currently trying to go no contact with narcissistic family it s so hard to do because i have younger sibling who i can t contact or help at all parent are using them a leverage against me i don t have their landline blocked because that s the only way my sibling can reach me if need be so once every few month i receive a call from my father love bombing me i feel like i m going crazy i have so much guilt disappointment anger and more i ve been trying all week to get into therapy but my insurance is being a po and every place that supposedly is in network turn out not to be the only thing keeping me going is knowing i need to be better to help my sibling and staying strong for my bf and his family they are all i have which kill me i have no family no substantial friend i feel so alone and like no one is willing to work with me to help i m trying to not get suicidal or self harm but i m on the verge of having a mental breakdown unless something give,Depression +37905,there is nothing more suffocating than the feeling that youre gon na live your life alone it take a lot of strength to not fall apart specially if you already tasted what is like to share your life with someone and knowing that youre gon na be all on your own by the rest of the path i ve spent the last year dreaming abour growing old with someone i consider to be a gift from the heaven only for that dream to be shattered a week ago it s been more than 0 day and im still stuck in despair i cant even sleep in my bed without thinking of him i refuse to find somsomeone else because whats the point in trying to top perfection only to poorly fill the whole your ex left and get your already pulverized heart shattered once more i ve lost my passion to live i ve been carrying anxiety and panic attack for a few year i wa already barely holding it together but this i just the last straw i dont even have a shoulder to cry on anymore what s the point,Depression +37906,i don t know how to get better i m gon na pursue help because of someone really important to me i feel like i ve been bad to them or just that they deserve better and sometimes i just don t know how to try hard enough or feel something sometimes and it kill me inside i m worried the people i go to for help professional won t understand me or won t be able to help me i just wan na get better for this person so i can always have a clear head and understand what s going on and try my best for them all i wan na tell them is i m sorry i m sorry,Depression +37907,i feel worse than ever i need more burn than i thought i started using cigarette burn i thought this wa going to be better than cutting but it s worse much much worse i need help the guy i talked to in dm wa right i need help i just don t know where to start,Depression +37908,no not everyone suffered from depression not everyone found everything exhausting yeah everyone had their own struggle that cant be compared to another but not everyone got depressed from their struggle i just dong understand why god pick me to have depression life is so unfair i ve been thinking about this about a few day,Depression +37909,i am on the train with feeling of regret sadness lonliness disappointment and nostalgia most importantly dealing with uncertainty about the future we could die tomorrow thus the train crashed killing me i could end up homeless i could end up penniless i could end up in a wheelchair i could be super disabled i m just trying to make good with what i have and to not be sorry for what i don t hope is an addictive drug that stimulates dopamine but depression give me doubt,Depression +37910,i really struggle with depression and increadibly miserable thought about myself and what i do i also struggle with realising what i like or enjoy doing wearing watching etc in a few word i struggle with knowing my interest i feel no emotion for life at all i just see myself doing everyday stuff i need to survive a a human being do you have any suggestion on how i can help myself on speaking much better about myself and what i like sth to enjoy and be interested in like should i tell myself repetitively for instance i enjoy dancing rather than i just do it because i have to because some people say i do it beautifully but i m not sure about it or i don t feel good about it should i write down everyday sth like for instance i write well i read well i like writing i enjoy writing instead of i just write beacuse is needed at work because i have to people use to say i speak well in front of people but i just do it i don t feel anything it s known that depression steal u the joy of life and everyday existance it steal our curiosity in everything i leave everything because i feel no interest on it i just want to feel engaged in sth i m exhausted of not feeling anything good but i have no money for therapy atm can you help me thanks is advance,Depression +37911,im the last hour everything fell apart my wife is kow filing for divorce anyone got advice on how to live with yourself and the world if that happens,Depression +37912,month almost of being chronically unwell and not the same person because of shithead fucking parent forced me to go back on a medication that didn t help nobody cared i wa lulled into thinking it could never do something like this to me no positive covid test no positive test for other virus like lyme i guess lexapro just decided to ruin my life for whatever reason i m not linking my story for the millionth fucking time i m this is my life fuck this i can t even cry because the medication fucked my brain up so badly,Depression +37913,i am so tired of living i don t think i ve been truly passionate about anything since i wa year old i am turning in a few month mentally i still feel like i am year old there are so many experience and opportunity that i have missed out on over the year and it s so difficult to imagine a future for myself after college because i don t have the energy or the motivation to do anything but the bare minimum for the longest time in high school i didn t have plan for college because i didn t see myself making it past i feel like i am presently existing past my life s expiration date i chose to pursue fine art in college because drawing is the one thing i am genuinely talented at and yet i dread every moment i have to sit down and draw this semester i shortened my course load to two online class and one in person class and i am still struggling to keep up it s incredibly difficult for me to focus on anything for more than minute before i feel exhausted i have been told that i am talented enough to sell print of my art yet i can barely make piece to add to my professional portfolio i m too afraid to let myself think about what i am even going to do once i graduate because i know this disorder ha completely destroyed any semblance of a work ethic that i may have once had i am slowly losing all my friend because i can t do anything fun anymore two of my closest friend who are also my roommate don t invite me to anything social anymore i am saddened by this but wonder if i even have the right to feel that way a i probably wouldn t go if i wa invited a i don t have the energy for anything anymore i shortened my course load to two online class and one in person class and i am still struggling to keep up every time i feel remotely okay it last for what feel like a second and then i m sinking down even deeper sometimes i wish i could lay down fall asleep and never wake up i don t even feel sad i just feel nothing at all,Depression +37914,i am so tired of having depression i hate how hard it is to get up and do the most basic thing day out of the week i don t even eat dinner because i can t get out of bed i m tired of having to put in the extra effort to hide it at work and in front of my family i ve been single for a year and a half after a year and a half long relationship but my social anxiety ha gotten so bad i can t even put myself out there i m so lonely but too afraid to make an attempt i don t think i could ever actually kill myself but i think about how much easier it would be if i wasn t alive a lot more than i used to,Depression +37915,i ve been experiencing huge bout of just feeling unmotivated not useful i ve been randomly just tearing up but it never last long i don t feel like i have a reason to cry but i do and i don t know what to do there s other stuff but i don t want to drag on too long i also just miss how thing were i ve woken up like this for the past week and it s persisted throughout the day,Depression +37916,i ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder about two year ago and wa put on medication felt better and the med were tapered off i however feel it returning and most day seem like shit i can wake up and do normal work like i do however there s a constant feeling of sadness that s overwhelming and i worry about a lot of thing around me i worry that i wa a horrid person to my parent and the people around me doe it ever go away i don t want to be dependent on medication for the rest of my life,Depression +37917,month on turned 0 month ago had mental breakdown anxiety attack followed by spiral of depression ended up resigning from job month ago a a result currently in therapy and on med sleep is slowly improving though i wake up early some morning overthinking and anxious i have day i feel good then i feel depressed and then i feel anxious still get strong feeling of dread negative thought and strong feeling of being unaccomplished im not sure if this is normal but i got told med will take some time to kick in still exercising started a new job day ago doing something different my goal for the next few year is to sort out and get this all under control and stabilise my career life also trying to remember and take note of all the positive thing in my life and achievement i have accomplished also looking into a potential career change,Depression +37918,i want to get my life together but i feel like i haven t accomplished anything i m taking adult education class now and i m trying to get a part time job but no luck so far i haven t had a job before so i m not very optimistic i live with family and i feel like a leech i m trying to contribute with whatever i can like cleaning but i feel so worthless unwanted and like a burden my father died recently and i want to live the best life that i can for him but i m wondering if i even can i just want thing to work out i ve been trying to be positive but it s so difficult,Depression +37919,i ve been more a lot more depressed than normal for a while today i had therapy session and while i wa in there i realized i couldn t remember almost anything about last week anymore this month ha been extremely stressful for me in term of school and work and i basically shut down at the end of last week i couldn t do anything anymore but now i can t remember almost anything about last week and it s only tuesday,Depression +37920,no i don t want to kill myself but i want to die i reflect on the last 0 year of my life and see nothing good and can t see the future improving my mom just died my longest relationship recently ended terribly and with abuse i have addictive behavior i never seem to kick and i don t see it changing i ve gone to therapy i m trying to find another good therapist but haven t heard back from voicemail i ve left so far if you have a response i appreciate it but please don t share vague generality tell me your personal hurt experience will carry more with me than it get better or similar platitude i m hurting i need to hear the hurt others have been able to endure to feel encouraged i never thought i could feel so empty and so sad and so angry i hate living right now i never thought i d ever feel so bad edit i have nobody i have my job and i have my dog my family isn t the support system i wish it wa i don t have any real friend i ve tried reaching out but everyone is busy with their own problem,Depression +37921,about three week ago i quit my job of year after believing spending all my time at work wa making me severely depressed day after i quit were the happiest i ve been in a long time but it quickly went away and i got trapped into another very depressed cycle i haven t put any work towards anything in week just moping around all day until i have to go to sleep my biggest problem is that i feel like i m watching my dream die i would love to entertain people like how most people do on youtube etc but i have no talent no skill and a horrible lisp i ve started many project but have stopped all of them really early a i have no motivation to keep doing them anyway the only option i have left in life is to go work another job be unhappy and live the same miserable life or i can kill myself it sound bad but i don t have any problem with suicide my whole life is built on regret and failure with nothing that i can truly be proud of honestly i don t want to go through with this but it feel like the better choice,Depression +37922,hi i wa wondering if anyone ha this happen to them i have have had depression for decade i have good day and bad day no period that last for week or month like i did when i first started having symptom 0 year ago thank god it is mostly occasional bad bout most often i just have a dull low depression that i can dell with using moving muscle using cognitive dispute today i had one of the rare event that i used to get often i wake up early have a cup or two of coffee yet i feel really exhausted i slept fine the night before i end up having breakfast but that exhausted feeling becomes overwhelming and i go back to bet by 9am the entire day consists of me sleeping having lucid bat shit crazy bizarre dream the dream are not nightmare in fact they are rather creative but the local and situation are like the came from somebody imagination in a distant galaxy they would make really interesting sci fi fantasy i also dream about being lonely i have no family few friend one thing i remember wa this gut wrenching sadness about a girl i dated over 0 year ago thought she wa the one but it fell apart after about 0 to hour i get up have something to eat i feel hung over an d it is like a storm passed through my brain spent it s energy and now calm ha returned i wa wondering if anyone else had had similar experience like this it would be concerning if it wa a frequent occurrence which it once wa in the early day of depression again that wa decade ago thanks in advance for any observation or comment peace,Depression +37923,this is a question i m struggling with for year now i wa a neglected child of an alcoholic father lot of trauma i m diagnosed with depression for year now i have this void where love from my parent and family wa supposed to be the problem it s causing is in romantic relationship i get addicted to people which is very unhealthy and it s cause of the lack of self love but how do i love myself what s the cure for this i used to hate myself now i m just neutral i really want to be better and be happy by myself i just have no idea how to do it anyone else struggling with that having an advice for this,Depression +37924,my mom slapped me all the time i do not want to study at all from to 0 i stayed with her studying the stuff of a student i ate the school so much and also my mother she treated me very bad because i wasn t the type of child that have all 0 in the school report but neither all when i took i wa a failure and no one talk in the house when i take 9 i wa a good student an object in which transfer all they re expectation and hope win with a lot of people and lose alone this is my life even today when i get tired and i kill myself i m not a fucking puppet through which u can manipulate and treat bad i m tired of all of this to feel a failure myself and also not so good looking because for them i m fat now i m sad,Depression +37925,after month of doin good i fucked up my depression hit hard and i isolated myself from everyone i stopped talking to my best friend which made her upset and now she want nothing to do with me she wa the last friend i had if i could tell her anything it s i m sorry i should ve been better friend tonight i m not smoking or drinking because i believe we can always get back on our foot someday,Depression +37926,my lifestyle and world view for sure seem like a depressed person no motivation almost everything i do is anxiety driven privately my life is a mess and who doesn t feel like we re all screwed nowadays however i usually feel happy or content at any given moment i kinda just don t think about the problem and vibe i m usually having a pretty decent time i m not often sad or cry thinking about the future is upsetting and overwhelming but i try not to i keep getting diagnosed with depression i can kinda see it but usually when i see depression represented it s either with sadness or with no feeling and talk like not enjoying music or anything i still enjoy stuff though is this a thing do others feel this way edit i started lexapro today and went searching for ppl to relate to but i feel kinda alienated from others who are depressed i feel like bringing my energy to other depressed folk would just make them feel worse about feeling bad,Depression +37927,everyone here know it s difficult to do anything while depressed even getting out of bed or brushing your teeth can sap all your strength appetite usually go out the window a well which lead to low blood sugar exhaustion etc here s what i reach for when i have to force myself to eat any type of smoothie shake i usually use a low glycemic berry oatmilk and kale or spinach protein powder is good also to add a bit more calorie chia seed for the fiber to keep you satiated longer bone broth or soup again very little prep time and you re not actually eating just drinking bone broth alone ha very little calorie but the protein content will help your malfunctioning brain work a bit better any type of nut or seed they pack a ton of calorie in just a handful doesn t feel like you are eating a meal no prep time,Depression +37928,everything and everyday is a struggle because i don t feel like nothing make sense i wake up on my way to work i just keep thinking why why eating why working why having a hobbie why do you guy feel it too and how to deal with that,Depression +37929,look i know everyone ha a sad story to tell i m no different and i know that in reality no one truly care about your past i don t even give a shit about my past anymore but i have nothing left in me i don t have anything to fight for even out of spite the world suck as my life ha had plenty of shitty time and a handful of good one but i m at my final limit rent is due again in about a week after month of being unemployed i still have no job i interview constantly i research how to be better i have a degree i have applied to anything and everything i m practically begging for work now and still nothing i have no money left i have no family i have applied at job i m qualified for with all of my experience but also grocery store coffee shop restaurant anything that say it s hiring i m not going to be able to pay my half of the rent next week and when i think about it it make me so ill that i ll puke thinking about how am i going to look my partner in the face and tell him that i just don t have any money left he ha seen me struggling he know i haven t had a job since november i have credit card debt i don t spend any extra money ever i have food stamp i think about ending everything every day all i do is try to not cry constantly i can barely muster up fake smile anymore i have never felt so down in my entire life i feel a though i have been cursed but even then that would give me hope a that would mean it could be broken somehow maybe i have never felt so close mentally to believing truly believing that i wanted to die i just don t want to face this i really can t exist like this in this life anymore i don t see a way out,Depression +37930,i feel empty inside most of the time i am trying to find my purpose to live again but it kinda hard for the first time ever in my life i feel like i can t overcome the struggle i m facing right now i am telling myself im doing okay im doing better but at the end of the day i found myself drinking and smoking by myself again i stopped smoking for a year and a half until last month me right now is exactly the person im trying to get rid of year ago after year i found myself doing all the thing i hate and i know it is bad for me again my best friend s birthday day is today i asked her hey what do you want ask a thank you because she wa there for me when i am facing my first panic attack first time understand what s depressed she said i want you to live that s all i need for people out there who is having suicidal thought like me just remember that there will be a person who expects to see you in the future if you feel like there is no one next to you maybe they will show up in the future,Depression +37931,i choosed depression out of my own choice i wonder if others are like this or most are just victim of life please answer your response,Depression +37932,i ve never been good at talking to people about how i m doing and most of the time i ll just tell everyone i m fine and move on i have a very close friend and they re the only person i ve ever felt comfortable talking to i trust them with absolutely everything and we ve helped each other through so much a week ago or so they told me thing were changing and they ve sort of left we barely talk anymore and they told me they re still gon na be here for me but i really just don t feel it anymore it could just be my head making it seem a lot worse than it actually is but it really feel like they don t care at all anymore like they used to and it seems like they just don t even wan na talk to me anymore it hurt a lot to think that i used to always text them or something when thing were bad just so i could have someone to talk to but now i don t really have that anymore and i don t know what happened anyways ig no one s got ta respond but i just needed somewhere where i could say this,Depression +37933,i have no friend i have no talent and im not smart either im not loved i am just their utility i feel like this life is not worth living there is nothing ahead of me i have no interest no passion nothing,Depression +37934,i m 0 and have never even been on a date with a girl before everything ha just gone wrong growing up there were so many time where thing almost changed almost got in a group of people i wanted to be with almost would no longer have been alone but every time something at the last second happens and i lose it forever sometimes my fault but usually not i ve stopped getting my hope up for anything i know it will always just never work out it s like i m destined to just always be like this i had a few friend in high school no one i could ever connect with though i didn t care though maybe i could meet new people through them but for some reason anytime anything interesting would happen with them it wa when i wa gone anytime i am with them same usual boring shit i m not there something crazy happens i started going to college recently i really wa hoping doing this i would meet people make friend but even doing thing like going to event and regularly attending class just nothing i love talking to and meeting people but i just never get placed in the right place at the right time and the moment i get close i fuck up again or something else happens i downloaded some dating apps just to try to meet people i know i wouldn t have much success a a short medium attractive guy i would maybe get a match a week if i wa lucky and we d send a couple message but nothing more last week i finally got someone s contact info and we set up plan to go on a date i wasn t particularly interested in this girl but wa just exited to finally go on a date i had a class for the time we planned but that didn t matter i can miss it thing were finally going well and then last night i suddenly remembered nothing is ever supposed to go well i always get so close so this morning i check my phone she had blocked me i didn t even feel anything it s just how everything go for me i thought i m not angry at her or anything she probably just decided last minute she didn t want to go i m tired i m done trying i m killing myself next week maybe if i keep putting myself out there i ll actually meet someone but it s an endless cycle my depression make it so hard to do that which just cause me to get more depressed what is supposed to break this cycle i ve tried medication no effect therapy i ve tried may therapist and they ve all told me the same bull shit i ve already heard i don t really want to die it would be nice for thing to work out for once but with the cycle i m in nothing will ever change and i don t see a way of breaking it if thing will just be like this forever why bother continuing sorry for this absolute wall of text if you actually read this cool i guess i just needed to write all my thought out gon na go to sleep now bye tl dr god fucking hate me,Depression +37935,fuck antidepressant all i want is a hug i know a hug will make me feel so good right now that s it that s my cent,Depression +37936,i m just tired of coming second to finding a partner and not being chosen over someone they say someone is out there for everyone but i don t think so they say don t go looking someone will come find you but i don t think so they say it will fall into your lap when you least expect it but i don t think so these situation have happened but they always fail i m just tired of not being enough,Depression +37937,bro my life ha been so horrible it s unpleasant it piss me off and make me very sad since my life is just waking up having breakfast going to school studying coming home having lunch studying sleeping dinner is sleeping again it s this cycle that always repeat i have friend but they don t even care about me i don t even know why i consider them friend it s my family it s just me my mother and two brother and i don t have uncle i don t know why i m the middle child it s my mother i feel like she hate me because it wa because of me that i made my mother my father divorced since i found out about my father i i wa having an affair with a woman i don t even know and since then i never spoke to my father again my mother often even treat me badly verbally and physically attacking me and i can t hit her because she is my mother and my brother are the only one that i consider friend because they care about my existence but they are very reserved many time they even lock themselves in their room but these last few month i have a great idea of running away from home is to end up leaving the city to have a new life yes people i have money i can survive a whole month and i know it s hard to get a job but i m willing to leave this miserable life but for now it s just an idea that i still don t have the courage to do and i also don t want to leave my brother because i m afraid to leave them what should i do leaving everything is starting a new life or continue a is,Depression +37938,lately i ve been feeling like i m about to reach my lowest again i tried to kill myself on december 0 i ve been depressive a lot of time since then but i feel this time im inch away from getting to that state again but what i want to know is this have you ever have this thought maybe everyone is gon na be better if i just stop being alive nothing is gon na chance if i m not here what s the point of still being alive and suddenly have a lot but a lot of guilt for thinking this thats one of the thing that get me in tear the guilt of thinking this way when i m supposed to be okay after this year,Depression +37939,caring start to feel so exhausting it excites you fill you up only to leave you empty a a distant memory of what you once were i don t know if it s them or me anymore don t even care just want out hell is others,Depression +37940,i m am very depressed i m getting a degree that i have no interest in getting a job in i work in a retail store and feel like i m going to end up stuck in these type of job forever i play video game hour every day i eat unhealthy my living situation stress me out tremendously i don t want to move back in with my parent but i also can t afford to live on my own i have no passion no drive no meaning in life i m so lost why do i feel like i m losing all control of my life like the world is crumbling around me and i m slowly beginning to fall towards my end the worst part about it is i already know what i have to do to fix my depression work out sleep well quit weed quit masturbating quit nicotine eat well and most importantly stop playing video game i just never do any of them sometimes i ll go a few day good get this sense of euphoria and tell myself everything is fine why am i even worried about the future right now i don t need to do any of this stuff i can fix my life whenever then i go back into my depressive whole i cut off everyone and isolate myself background please don t suggest therapy i ve been to three separate therapist ongoing for the last three year,Depression +37941,i am just jealous of so many thing i don t have depression destroyed my memory and i can t remember anything what make thing worse is this is my final school year and i have final exam in around a month i know i will fail because i physically can not remember anything every time i see people learn i feel jealousy that they can do thing i can t the jealousy appears also when it come to my two friend they both have other friend than me so they can leave me anytime they feel like it they also don t talk to me that much and spend more time with those other friend they also wanted to do something nice to one of my friend and didn t even invited me to spend time with them it just hurt i tell myself i just need to meet more people either online or irl but it s hard and i m just trying to ignore my true feeling i wa always there for everyone since i can remember and all i get in return is being ignored and forgotten i started to think about myself more and now i m rude and only thinking about myself but i don t care they are not the kind of people i want to be friend with if you reached this point thank you for reading i just wanted to anonymously tell my true feeling and thought to someone have a nice day,Depression +37942,hey everyone so the title say it all been going through depression since i wa around the age of currently i am and beginning to lose to my demon this often push me to take thing to the extreme for example if i want to achieve something then i become obsessed with it and go all out so to say otherwise i feel dead inside people think of me a this strong individual because i have never shown my weakness to anyone even my family so everyone is oblivious to my inner suffering it s a pure living hell it s like having rabies but instead of dying it constantly attack your brain and make you think of irrational thing day in and day out i don t have anything to brag about in my normal life average job no education after high school no car no girlfriend no friend no money to go on holiday nothing the only thing that i got going for myself is my gym addiction built a decent physique over the year and planned to actually compete ironically i had all of these thing minus the money part when i wa in high school lost the ability to smile a well i laugh at joke at funny thing but my heart is dead i became unable to form relationship of any kind whether they d be romantic or friend related just recently lost my business too i am in debt on top of that how do you fight demon who always drag you back down to the bottom of a dark empty ocean every time you start seeing light at the end of the tunnel thank you for reading p s i am not suicidal just want to smile again,Depression +37943,i found out last year that i had major depression disorder which i wasn t surprised at because my whole life since i wa i ve been depressed however i m realizing i also have body dysmorphia bc i just hate the way i look body wise when i stand i can see my fatty ab but when i sit it just a big pile of fat and it frustrating because i workout everyday non stop and linit my eating people say real people men know what a woman s body is supposed to be like well guess what we live in 0 it s supposed be in shape and that s what most expect i m just so over it because those same people who say yeah thats a real woman s body are the same people liking every single big as flat ab photo i try to push myself everyday and today im over it i can t keep going on like this,Depression +37944,i m so numb i m now living just because i m alive but i m really dead inside each day is a loop of sleeping and drinking i barely eat i don t do anything at all,Depression +37945,from an external point of view i have the perfect life i have worked really hard my whole life i studied hard in school got scolarship for university in my late 0 making figure have a beautiful house and a caring partner but i have rarely felt happy in my life i don t remember the last time i wa genuinely happy since about year ago my mood started going really downhill and right now i am at a point where even eating or taking a shower is a chore i drag myself everyday to work and do bare minimum and now i am scared that i might lose my job but then again i can no longer force myself to do any work i feel like i have used up my energy and passion most of the night when i go to bed i fantasize about not waking up and how nice it seems i am completely empty of any feeling and feel nothing toward my partner i am taking medicine and working out at least time a week but no good i also fantasize about breaking up with my partner but i m afraid i am gon na regret it cause i will be completely alone i am so done with everything i just wan na feel some taste and color in my life again but i feel like it might never happen,Depression +37946,i m year old and i am so sad because life is pointless i feel like i know everything i know how life is supposed to go get a good job find a significant other do exciting thing together maybe have kid meet new people do different activity all through out life travel to new place get old and die somehow then what this whole idea of life is so boring i hate that i keep looking so far into life so analytically thats how depression make me see everything analytically and it is exhausting because i can never truly truly enjoy something i know life can be beautiful and fun at time in the moment it can be but i don t know why it s just not enough for me there ha to be something else to life something better there ha to be more right how am i supposed to do this everyday until i die that is such a long time i don t know how long i m going to last thinking like this make me the literal most boring person ever i feel bad for my friend the few i have i m so boring i never put passion into conversation because i seriously do not care enough because none of it matter and it s all pointless i feel so bad about myself and for everyone around me i m horrible please please help me find meaning in this gut wrenching life,Depression +37947,i 9 f moved to a different state to support my partner while they re at school we went from a duel income household to me being the breadwinner i wa diagnosed with adhd anxiety and depression last year and am on med and in therapy i just keep screwing up at work the work isn t hard but i m making stupid mistake i feel like im not doing anything correctly i try to be thorough and am told by my bos that i m getting too caught up in the detail i try to be quick and cover the basic and am told that it isn t my best work i have no idea what to do i m told to ask question if i don t understand by my bos and when i do she s short with me example i asked if i should include document with a proposal because the last time i did there wa push back from someone saying they didn t need to provide the document she replied if i wa asking if i needed to follow to the standard operative procedure i feel stuck my performance ha been worse partially due to depression which ha affected my focus cue adhd issue med for that aren t working great i just feel so stuck i m literally cry once a week bc i feel like i m failing so badly i m literally doing working extra because i m behind and not charging for it bc i just feel like i m so behind i started this new job and wa immediately sent home to telework full time so i can t just ask the people around me for help,Depression +37948,i can t deal with living like this family doesn t care grandparent have low energy amp make me feel old too no work or friend,Depression +37949,i don t know how can someone be this much of a failure i suck i have no social skill hell i have no skill in general people say everyone is good at something but not me i suck at everything why am i like this,Depression +37950,the title sum up my whole life perfectly i wa born to a loving caring family my father is my personal hero a real masculine role model who taught me pretty much everything i know my mother gave me all the love a child can ask for they were always supportive in all the good thing that i used to do but always very strict about the bad thing when i chose a career path they paid for a private school which i m so grateful for high school wa the best time of my life they supported me in sport i used to be an amateur middleweight boxer i love them both dearly that s why it hurt so much knowing that i m nothing but a disappointment a burden a leech to them i made the worst decision possible after i finished high school i got accepted into the best technical university in my country it is so embarrassing to think back about it now i actually thought it wa an achievement to study i m ashamed to even type this be free to laugh software engineering i can t explain how a person can do something so stupid i only recently found out that most programmer and software engineer with a master degree which only about of student finish make minimum wage if they are lucky i m from the czech republic central europe programming is a dying career here everything is getting outsourced to the east job are disappearing left and right moving to a different country is not an option since i don t know any foreign language except for english which i m really not good at a you can see and most position require you to know the language of that nation anyway if you want to work in poland you got to know polish etc it s soul crushing to think that all this hard work is worth nothing and even if i manage to finish my degree i m gon na be making the same salary a people with no education and skill whatsoever the minimum wage here in czechia is not enough to afford even a room apartment so i m either gon na live in my parent basement for the rest of my life or i m gon na end up homeless if they decide to kick me out and probably freeze to death when it get cold but then again i m the only one to blame here i should have been thinking more when choosing a career path it s too late to change my profession now firstly because of all the money that my parent invested into it i feel like cry writing that and secondly because i know deep down that i can only do this that i would be a complete failure trying anything else the moment reality of my situation hit me my life took a bad turn a you can imagine having those thought every day just ravage your mental health i can t sleep properly and there are sequence of day when i don t eat anything i m losing weight i would be a lightweight boxer by now but i stopped training anyway my grade got worse i get feeling of despair and misery every day i don t smile anymore i get no joy from anything all my friend are gone i m very lonely i m invisible to woman and i completely lost interest in pursuing relationship no woman is ever gon na date a homeless software engineer i can t remember the last time i had morning wood i m never going to have child my bloodline end with me sorry for the wall of text if you read it all the way here you have my thanks,Depression +37951,so i have depression and anxiety for maybe 0 month and month i opened about it to my mom got a therapist and pysologist whatever at starting i wa like everything is gon na be good but it s not i realized ii dont wan na take the high dosage antidepressant and the therapist ain t for me and during all this i had my final for class 9 freshman of highschool i did not study and bit and just wa escaping the reality by playing game all day and avoiding my life and everything so i got my result and i passed all subject but did not pas science so i have to give retest it on and today is and i have been ignoring everything myself my problem my family and just talking to some people i made friend all day to avoid my life i can not avoid it anymore i dont wan na play my life on repeat everyday i also wan na redo the 9th grade but everyone think im dumb to waste a year but i really think i am not ready for the next year cuz of learning nothin this year and i just can not do it i think if i redo 9th grade it s a second chance im giving to meto make thing better slow and without taking hell lotta stress i used to be the perfect child i wish i never got depression it s ruining me and my mom s problem are increasing too i wan na study but i can not i just dont know why i feel so numb anyone got any advice plz,Depression +37952,i kept sacrificing a lot of myself for other people who were never gon na stay i keep recreating those dynamic and now that i m aware of the people and behavior to avoid i m completely alone i hate being alive everything is so much harder when you don t have any love and support not that these connection i ve lost were loving and supportive everyday is just a reminder i ll never find my place,Depression +37953,hello i am neurotic with symptom of anxiety disorder and ha mild suicide ideation i am generally better the last month i have taken the past year off college to focus on taking care of myself i went to therapy but had recently stopped so i could afford to go to school again this year i think i have been doing well in implementing lifestyle change that improve my mental well being such a setting clear boundary reaching out and eating which is one of my biggest challenge i still struggle to be consistent in aspect of taking care of myself but i wonder what change do you suggest or have tried that helped you a lot in continuing to live i struggle in finding joy or even interest in living and in time of difficulty still ideate my death i know i m sick and that is something i should fix i hope you could help me with your answer they don t have to be big since small change are more sustainable and le overwhelming thank you,Depression +37954,idk anymore i m just tired,Depression +37955,been on fluoxetine for year but anyway there seems to be some stupid national shortage and i m just constantly having to wait extra week for my med and missing out so i m just gon na come off them i don t think they help anyhow so the plan is to take one every other day for two week then one every day for a week then one every four day for a long a they last doe that sound like i could avoid withdrawal,Depression +37956,now i know everyone will say you need some fresh air get outta the house more often i also have real bad anxiety so bad that i only go out one time a day i don t like walking around with money on me or no money at all anyway i ve been smoking weed and eating edible for year because i have real low self esteem and i don t want to just be sad all the time my boyfriend hate it because he say i don t need all of that to be happy which is true but it s already hard enough getting out of bed a it is my boyfriend pretty much get high a much a i do but it s only marijuana and thc that s it nothing other then that he think i should get out more but when i m out i get anxiety because i feel like i m being stared at and judged i love smoking weed because it s good to laugh and when i m high i m not thinking about my low self esteem and body dysmorphia or wanting to harm myself if you ask me it s better then talking to a therapist psychologist,Depression +37957,i have bad depression and anxiety over this i need not only advice because i ve been kicked out of hair sub but i need advice for what to say and how to explain to bully in school about my big thick curly hair,Depression +37958,it is incredible how much your own mentality can manipulate you the thing is that every day i feel alone and much more alone and with many thought the thing is that i have friend who support me daily but i don t understand why my mind make me think and feel that i am alone and that there is no one else everything that can affect just your mentality is very fucked up,Depression +37959,a little over four month ago my relationship of over two year ended my partner left me for the person they told me they couldn t ever love more than me and that i had nothing to worry about i trusted them and they destroyed that i moved back home all the while they gaslit me into thinking it wa my choice once i got home almost a thousand mile away i began to spiral my family wa in the midst of drama between my aging parent one struggling with memory loss the other with alcoholism my dog from high school ha also begun declining and will be crossing the rainbow bridge any week now following the breakup i struggled with alcohol and substance abuse for several month which i ve only just begun to get control of i wa sexually assaulted twice in the span of two month my relative have died of covid i ve been unable to find a good job that actually us my degree in the time since moving home a well i find myself unable to form meaningful connection with friend or family i can t be open with anyone because i don t feel i can trust them i m worried that anyone and everyone could leave me at a moment notice i can t get my ex off my mind and the feeling of inadequacy and abandonment are staying strong i don t feel the ability to love i don t know where i m going with this but it s my first time posting here and i guess i just need to know that i m not alone and that i can stop spiraling and live a good fulfilling life i need to recover from the fallout of what s been my life for about month now i m sorry if this isn t the kind of post i should be making but at this point therapy and psychiatric treatment and medication are all failing me what can i do where do i go from here,Depression +37960,it s my first post here and i ll try to keep it short i m male live in greece had depression from age i don t have enough symptom anymore to be classified a depressed and i m starting to feel lost while the therapy and medication i have been taking for the past month have definitely helped me through tough time my biggest enemy is procrastinating especially with my university responsibility i don t love the subject i m studying chemistry but i do think it can help me find a suitable job in the future so i can provide for me and my family and have free time for hobby what i m having a really hard time with is motivation and discipline i m afraid that the lack of those thing can be the end of me i m constantly worried my gf might realise what a lazy person i really am and dump me despite her being really supportive of me the only thing i don t want is grow to be 0 0 and not be able to have a good life with my wife and kid because of my mental problem,Depression +37961,sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for a long time in my life all i wanted wa to have someone to be there for me a person that could love me back a much i love them back but now that i have it i don t know if it s what i wanted in my past i had suicidal friend that influenced a huge part of my life i begin to realize how stupid living wa and started to question why we live i m losing all my energy slowly and slowly i find myself losing all motivation and having no goal or dream anymore this reddit is my last ditch effort on seeking help from other people i ve already started to distance from everyone around me i know that i can t be the only one that s been or going through this how were you guy able to keep your energy and have a positive outlook on life,Depression +37962,it s all rainy and cloudy and stuff today for me but even if it wasn t i d still feel this way,Depression +37963,i m a year old man and i m in the worst state of my life right now i started out my adult life by dropping out of college after week due to depression and severe anxiety and getting 0 000 in debt it took me year to pay that and my car loan off and i wa finally back to even financially i spent thousand of dollar trying therapy medication chiropractor for my back issue and nothing helped me i ve tried exercise healthy diet yoga everything i ve ever been told to do to get better and it never helped me long term i ve been working dead end job ever since and barely scraping by each month while my body and mind deteriorate i have so many untreated and likely some undiagnosed health issue and i barely have the energy to do my laundry once a week anymore and can t do anything else productive i am too anxious to leave my room and even be around my roommate i ve known since high school i feel like i m never going to escape the poverty loop i finally broke even year ago when i wa and now i m back 000 in credit card debt stressing me out every day my car broke down and now have to uber around town making my finance even worse i failed at any goal i set in term of trying to get a better career i can t live like this working 0 hour a week at a dead end job with nothing bringing me enjoyment except food i have no family to help me i haven t had more than day off a week since i wa in high school why is the world punishing me because my parent ignored my health concern growing up and they were too poor to help me afford college it seems like everyone else who is a bad off a i am ha their family to help support them through their finance and health issue whereas mine just exacerbated mine i just can t do it any more i broke down cry at work last night i can t even stand working a job where i sit at a desk hour a night and talk to people per shift i want to end it all so bad but don t know a painless guaranteed way to do it i just want help and my country and state don t care about me and i have nobody else,Depression +37964,i ve been suffering from bout of depression since my dad died last year i wa already in the second semester of my master s when it happened i finished that semester with the exception of my research method course and then i took a leave of absence then in september 0 i went back to school to work on my placement at a political office until november from january to march i worked there part time until my contract finished and told them that i would be focusing on my thesis until my school is finished my thesis didn t go a planned and i can t help but feel like i ve let my supervisor down she is super sweet and although she is very busy she ha been very supportive and know what happened to my dad my thesis ended up not having enough interview not enough literature and i d have to finish it by next week and find a second reader in order to graduate on time this wa also my fault because i feel like i haven t been taken my mental health seriously enough a i have had so many day where i did not want to do anything i ve procrastinated so much a a result of fear depression grief and burnout etc i just have not mentioned this to my supervisor because i don t want to be making excuse it would take a miracle for me to finish this all on time and i really want to because it s so expensive to pay for another semester i m feeling so depressed over this,Depression +37965,i wake up and expect to deal w the same shit i had to yesterday life is gettin boring to say the least,Depression +37966,i never had illusion of grandeur growing up i had a pretty low bar for what itd take to make me happy,Depression +37967,every time i start to be stupid enough to believe that maybe i m not crap or that thing might be ok something bad always happens when i stay depressed and assume the worst and feel bad about myself thing usually remain about the same what is the use of trying,Depression +37968,i m currently on prozac rexulti and buspar i m in a pretty bad place so my doctor added wellbutrin to my medication generally how long will it take to show improvement in fatigue and motivation if it work,Depression +37969,i really need to talk with someone just to break down or cry just release all of the shit that have been pilling up people do notice that i m depressed something wrong but every time people ask if i m okay i answer yes i don t really know how to ask for help i don t know who is being nice and who really care how can i open up to someone,Depression +37970,to clarify i guess i wa only happy because i wa really high but i stopped for a minute and started thinking i wa thinking about who i am and how much of a sad useless piece of shit i am i wa hanging out with a few people at the time so i had to shake the thought pretty quickly fuck i wish i could just forget who i am altogether i m getting tired of me,Depression +37971,i hate myself and my self destructive behavior,Depression +37972,what depressing is that i have covid stuck in my room for day lost weight bc i havent been eating bc i think im a burden for asking for food i actually thought my sister would at least help me my year old sister is sleeping in the lounge room for the time being and whenever i ask if there food kitchen is step away from living room she doesnt check and say idk didnt look a for my twin i ask her to her me smth and she would say i cant be bothered tell j younger sister to get it i only get snack and food when she s already at the shop i would do anything but why cant they do it for me im the oldest sister and i dont get respect it sad and depressing,Depression +37973,self explanatory title i can make it through the day when distracted with a busy day at work or surrounded by friend but a soon a i m alone or i have a minute to think i realise how deeply unhappy i am in almost every aspect of my life i don t want to die i know there s thing to live for like family friend travelling new career potential love and child and maybe being one day happy but every day i wake up and struggle i feel little part of my health and sanity being chiseled off one by one and i just don t know how long i can do this for before i just give up,Depression +37974,while i wait for my school counselor to give me an update on the whole online school therapy thing i wa convinced to check out a confidential free and text based crisis hotline it s apparently designed for teen like me who have noone in their life that they could talk to now for me personally my experience wa subpar i don t want to disrespect the volunteer work there but after the successful attempt one in the morning and one just hour earlier i felt like i wa just a number on a waiting list the system constantly kicked me out of the conversation and the one time i actually had a decent conversation it felt like they were trying to cast me aside a quick a possible a soon a i mentioned that music help me organize my thought at time they told me to just listen to music and the conversation closed immediately after maybe i m stupid or maybe it s just my anxiety and paranoia but they seemed annoyed i guess it would help to say what i wa expecting i wa thinking it would be a deep dive into why i feel the way i do but it wa more just a short session of giving me a metaphorical ice pack and sending me home with an old stale lollipop if i didn t feel worthless enough already then well a for the nd successful attempt it wa even shorter they asked me how i wa feeling they asked a question to confirm what i said i answered and then the very next message wa telling me that i must ve stepped away and that the conversation had been closed the automated reply also hit me with a stinger saying you matter it doesn t feel like it it doesn t help that i had to reply stop over and over because i kept getting auto reply from the bot needle to say i have le faith that online school therapy will even put a dent in how i feel tldr seeking help a many advise when situation like these crop up hasn t worked this time around and my already weak ability to see a good future for myself ha withered away a bit more,Depression +37975,i m fucked up badly with my 9f ex girlfriend and now i m so guilty of how i handled thing i m punishing myself mentally and physically i ve lost nearly 0lbs from not eating and going the gym so now i m around lb at i don t leave the house unless i have to and i just exist in my room everytime i smile or laugh i stop instantly because i don t feel like i deserve to feel happiness anymore i think i ve had a mental breakdown because i m so guilty all the time and i can t seem to forgive myself because it doesn t even feel real that i d decide to make the choice i made i don t even know who i am anymore if i can be so deeply confused at choice i ve made in hindsight imagine knowing deep in your heart you ve met the love of your life and you ve thrown it all away because you can t handle a simple issue,Depression +37976,i am 0 year old and genderfluid they she he and every day i am alive i have no clue what is going on my depression is mostly caused by my other disorder asd adhd and ocd and i ve had it since junior high often i feel so hopeless because those disorder all have their own comorbidities that mess with me on the day to day i struggle with writing spelling understanding verbal word social cue my own emotion if my thinking or the disorder and more there is just so much happening all the time at a nightmare level of complexity it exhaust me and paint the world dull i feel like i am always on the verge of imploding and exploding at the same time people get mad at me for thing i didn t know and expect so much from me when right now this is all i got my goal is to move far away onto a hill in the middle of nowhere it seems like the more the world asks of me the le i do instead of a big moment breakdown it little one like a car sputtering to a stop this all being said i know that my life will keep moving forward and thing will change but right now it s just so hard to believe that a if the world wa against me since day one ya know thank you for listening if anyone can offer advice on dealing with this i would v much appreciate it,Depression +37977,i dont want to die but i dont want to live life is so lonely i can not for the life of me connect with anyone anymore and my brain taunt me with the past connection that i did have but now gone because thats life people and thing come and go and i need to be okay with being alone and working hard for my future alone but i see no point we work we meet people we eat healthy we work out we take care of ourselves but for what to just die at the end it miserable everyday is miserable and the good time are so quick to end and then youre back in your miserable loneley relality but after every good moment the bad moment just get worse and worse i have been excluded all my fucking life and i dont feel a purpose or community anywhere i dont feel wanted,Depression +37978,i can t find the strength to do anything i m supposed to do like studying going to the gym or finding a job i have been losing interest in thing i used to like to the point i don t enjoy doing them and they are becoming difficult to do because they are supposed to make me happy and being happy requires a lot of energy i don t have by losing interest and thing i like i m running thin of thing that keep me motivated for living and hope for the future i have difficulty getting help because i don t think it is worth the effort for a hopeless person like me i don t even think i deserve that help considering the thing i hate about myself i don t even want to talk about this thing with other people that care for me because with my point of view of the world and future might grab them down to this dark and hopeless vision the only thing that keep me from km is that i know it would hurt people around me i really need something to look forward something that give me the motivation to keep going,Depression +37979,year old here i hate myself so much i wish i could be different more motivated i wish i wasn t so skinny i wish i could be braver funnier more fun to be around more cool more outgoing and calm i m an anxious loser who stress over everything but doesn t try and be better i wish girl would talk to me thats all i want a girl to like me i wish i could feel the happiness of someone liking me,Depression +37980,i m probably most content when i m by myself don t need anyone to talk to or try to impress but the moment i have to fauxalize fake socialize a i call it and then i get completely irritated and annoyed by any and everyone if they re too happy if they re too talkative if they stand too close etc my irritation level go from 0 to 00 and i just want to completely remove myself from the situation before i blow a fuse,Depression +37981,many time when i want to end the suffering i think of committing suicide or other method to alleviate the pain such a starting to smoke drink drug there are time that i think that one of these method can help me get through the bad moment i am going through but there is always something that in the end prevents me because deep down i know that none of that will help me and that i join it that i can continue fighting a i do and the day will come when i will be free,Depression +37982,hey guy im gon na be honest here im a year old stoner with a lot of mental health issue i havent ever really had anyone i felt comfortable or safe opening up to and i know it can be the same for a lot of other men of all age i wanted to create a subreddit of some sort a a safe place to vent give and seek advice for domestic or any other reason a men mental health problem seems to be kinda looked over i m looking for advice on how to grow that kind of community i haven t had a safe place like that for me and i dont want men to have the same problem or feel the same way kindest regard safewithus,Depression +37983,of this sub i really wish all that post on this sub could just find the peace they are looking for but it seems like it just talking to a wall a lot of post have no response so why post is it to get it out in writing looking for other opinion wanting someone to say hey you are not worthless because i like everyone else here that read these post is struggling with my demon do ordinary people read these post and get a chuckle out of them i dont have the answer if i did i would share with everyone here so i apologize this wa a rant and more question,Depression +37984,i m not interested in life there thing i d like to do but i have no money to experience them i dont have friend or any girl to share a relationship with life is bland i have a job interview tomorrow i ll probably get it now i ll have to show up and sell 0hrs of my life doing something i could care le about for some money i hate everything it s not enjoyable pandemic ruined everything a girl i started really liking doesn t want to see me anymore because i m not vaxed that one definitely hurt a bit she went cold on me please skip the anti pro vax debate i m over it amp i m not anti i dont like leaving the house or dealing with people i dont see any point in this thing called life it just drain me and i d like it to end it simply exhausting amp i get 0 enjoyment from it it feel like a sadistic game i just want it to end i wont hurt myself i dont think i will i dont know if i m depressed i either feel nothing or anger i envy people who are blissfully happy enjoying life i d give anything have that i dont need everything to be great but i d at least like to not hate day to day life i dont have much left in me anymore,Depression +37985,i m so done with everything i love my career but everyday is harder and harder to get up and go to class i get home and just sleep instead of studying because i feel like absolute trash i feel like nobody love me or even care about me i feel like my friend don t care that i am skipping class and that i have literally stopped talking to everyone i just stand there with them but don t engage with anything because if i do i m scared i ll bust into tear my best friend completely changed his behavior with me a few month ago and now i feel like he doesn t like me anymore i feel like the most unlovable unlikeable person ever nobody ha ever been in love with me i have never kissed anyone or even held hand i just want someone to care about me to ask me about my day to ask me how i m feeling it doesn t even have to be romantic i just want someone anyone to care i fear that my depression get so bad that i stop completely going to class and i fail this semester i don t know what to do,Depression +37986,i talk to myself for like minute sometimes this so intense that i my hand gesture too there is always a intervention from my brain asking what am i doing this happens when i am stressed with some hypothetical issue which probably will never occur for example what if i park my vehicle in a spot how will my neighbor react if i some what unknowingly encroach on his parking spot if this scenario play out then what would be my reaction this issue i just make some hypothetical scenario about my interaction with my neighbor and how would i react to this so called dispute there will be several different scenario playing my mind with realte to this example please help me if this related to adhd and if yes how severe is this if not adhd then what is this,Depression +37987,i fucking hate everyone and everything i can t take another day fck everyone on this planet why tf do i have to feel so shit all the time fuck god he ain t shit he abandoned me why tf do i have to feel so shit all the time while everyone else get to enjoy their life and get everything they want i also hate people who take advantage of other people i can t wait to end it i wish no one wa around so i can do it idgaf about anything that s my rant,Depression +37988,you re easily replaceable and trust me they will replace you if you re lucky you ll be born into a loving and sweet family but that s often not the case for most people you re alone and will be alone for most of your time on this earth you ll reach an expiration date for your usefulness and they ll kick you to the curve it doesn t matter if you re really struggling and barely hanging on or if they re aware of what you re going through and they ll give you every excuse in the book but the simple matter of the fact is that they don t care about you anymore what do you have to offer now,Depression +37989,i just hate my parent for bringing me into this world and giving me a shitty childhood and shaping me into the worst version of myself i can t keep living like this,Depression +37990,just a motivational quote,Depression +37991,my world ha been falling apart for a decade i ve finally hit the bottom i need someone to talk to real bad anybody i m cry in an empty teamspeak atm opening apps hoping to see someone,Depression +37992,i don t know how to explain it i had bad childhood and tbh i never felt love in my whole life if i care for someone and they see this they hurt me i m not only talking relationship but with overall people around me and i have depression i feel tired all the time and sometimes i can t even leave my bed also i m very paranoid i feel like everyone want to betray me u me and i have lost all the trust because of it don t even feel like human,Depression +37993,how do you keep going when you feel like nothing is going well,Depression +37994,life is fucking hard that s it we care which ha left many of u with scar disappointment rejection one of the few emotion we carry daily bc we see no hope the overwhelming feeling that we should be doing more but what is the fucking point just do something feel sorry for yourself i feel sorry for you i feel sorry for myself yet our dream are keeping u alive suffocating u to do something no matter how little the task it make a difference so if you want to lay in bed binge watch cinema or sleep away your thought away do what you must your dream still life on we re waiting for you when you wake up rock tar,Depression +37995,hedonist lover ive lost myself upon your devilish gaze smile razor blade cutting word vibrantly painting picture with blood marking wall memory screaming out i will infest your subconcious like drapery beautiful silk of morbid whisper cover my body while my soul gently rock in the wind hedonist lover set me free,Depression +37996,i m just so tired i can t do anything there are bag full of clothes and me took one and a half hour to unpack le than two of them i also made a mistake of leaving myself with my own thought so i began to spiral starting with me being angry at my ex and ending on me having flashback from primary school when i probably wa also depressed when i wa every day after school sitting at my desk trying to study or do homework but i couldn t even start or focus due to adhd and executive dysfunction i wa every day sitting at my desk after school guilty over doing nothing and sitting like that until sleep time only to get yelled at next day for getting another bad grade for not doing homework i just despise almost everything in my life my parent aren t supportive at all except providing therapy and med which is a lot but they re one of the reason why my mental health is so bad since i remember i can t do anything and i m useless i might need to repeat my school year cause i missed a lot of class due to me literally being unable to get up i don t have energy or time for my friend but i constantly vent to them and i know it s annoying a heck for them even though they claim that i can vent a much a i want to cause they do the same but i just can t go without telling someone how shitty i feel and even if they read that stuff they just respond with one word reply or sad emoji my ex constantly stress me out with his weird as message and i have to see him at school every day i just feel like everything is just too much and definitely a lot more than i m able to do the biggest challenge in my day is waking up and taking any care of myself but i m also expected to help out with chore study a lot for final be at every class and to not make everyone uncomfortable with how bad my mental health is so right now i m sitting and having mental breakdown for hour and forty minute already with three bag of clothes waiting to be sorted while i have private lesson in 0 minute and my dad will get angry a fuck at me if i won t get this done before those lesson the worse part is just how no one even care about that not my friend not my parent cause in their opinion i m lazy and probably no one here too the only person that care is my therapist who is paid to care about the fact that i more and more feel like killing myself over the simplest thing like chore,Depression +37997,about month ago i had one of the worst day of my life and i wa ready to call it quits if it wasn t for my closest friend stopping what he wa doing to come see me i probably would ve then and there p this is an appreciation post,Depression +37998,i just got a new girlfriend we both had sex last weekend and it wa great we re both and love each other i ve been pretty depressed during the past year and when i met her everything changed i though she would be my new world and she is but something she told me broke my heart and made me depressed again one of her crackhead mom friend had been touching her in the private area when she wa younger she told me this because she got flashback from that moment while i were doing the same to her she didnt want to hurt me so she did not say anything this made me furious and sad i want to kill that motherfucker so badly and now everytime we have sex she is going to be thinking about that moment after this i told my self to never let this happend to her again although she will always be hurt it hurt me almost just a much to know this i need help tip support anything please,Depression +37999,i recently lost a family member that i knew and met i ve only lost so far in this same criterion i ve been not doing so well even before any of that i feel like i m on autopilot daily i feel empty and nothing brings me joy even the thing i used to love and be passionate about i have a hard time communicating anything to anyone because all i want to do is be quiet and pas through people life a an invisible specter aimlessly living to survive and be away from everyone even the one that want to be in my life i have trouble sleeping at night drinking make me worse smoking only amplifies my anxiety and existential crisis meditating is useless now and i have no way to cope with what i m feeling have been feeling for the past few year it s easier for me to type thing out than it is to say them out loud i find myself losing my mind in work and zoning out while staring at my wall on a daily basis doe anyone have any advice for what i m dealing with and how to manage some of this i m not one to normally ask for help but at this point i m willing to try anything to get away from this darkness that haunt my life,Depression +38000,afters year i finally had contact with a person i like i sleepover at her house quite often i like her alot and day ago she told me that she is getting sent to psychiatry why cant i just be happy why is it all getting taken away from me,Depression +38001,i don t know what to do at the moment lately i ve been cry almost everyday and i m angry constantly i felt that i had the obligation to please everyone mom boyfriend etc but i forgot how to be happy how to look forward for tomorrow,Depression +38002,ha anyone been prescribed mirtazapine or other alpha receptor antagonist to treat their anxiety i would prefer not to use start with ssri s what wa you experience,Depression +38003,everything about how i act and what i say and how i say it and about the way i move and breathe and everything i think everything i like everything i want everything about my face and body and the way i dress and my life and my future is fucking stupid people eventually always realize this,Depression +38004,hello i ve been dealing with depression for what seems an eternity i went through a pretty bad episode back in 0 9 and it lasted all the way till half of 0 i made some lifestyle change and it worked at first but then my routine turned into a chore and i stopped doing it le and le i m at a point now where i feel exhausted but i want so bad to continue being productive and i just can t i feel like i m just lazy or that i m using my mental health a an excuse but i m so tired some day i m still and my mom prohibits the use of antidepressant or any medication that help with chemical imbalance in the brain i tried therapy but i feel i could benefit more from taking medication it s a constant battle in my head one side tell me to rest the other say that i can t let myself go down bad again ive missed a lot of school because of this but because of covid most of my work is in a laptop so i m missing day but i still maintain good grade i tried talking to my counselor and she said that she agreed that i needed further mental help but because i m a minor and my mom there s not much we can do i need help i don t know what to do anymore,Depression +38005,i m 0 and i m alone and it s tough to pretend i m a whole person amp x 00b i haven t made a friend since high school i m starting to befriend someone at work but it s giving me a lot of anxiety because when am i going to say the thing that make her hate me it feel like i have to do everything right to be social or maybe i m missing something that everyone else ha or maybe i m just not cut out to be social but to have friend you have to answer them when they fucking text regardless of what s going on in my life and i just don t have the energy to keep up with that i recently had someone tell me i wa probably not doing well on bumble bff because i m a slow responder sometimes i don t know what to say sometimes word aren t happening in my brain sometimes i m just too tired maybe missing out on social thing for all of my 0 s is something i m never going to be able to recover from amp x 00b i ve been in a lot of workplace where i wa the loser i had no friend i d catch people saying mean thing about me they all get together with each other and i m not invited i ve been in multiple situation where group of people don t like me and do shitty passive aggressive thing to me every chance they get i don t know what i do wrong i try to just be a genuine kind person i get feedback that i m nice i know i m not perfect but at least i ve had some feedback that i m not totally delusional to think i m a nice person but there have also been a few time where i know what i said there have been a few time when i can pinpoint the off comment that make someone turn on me and it must be more than one off comment because it s always easy for that person to get a group to turn on me it s terrifying to feel like at any moment i can slip up and someone will just decide i m not worth their time amp x 00b and i never feel like i say the right thing some of my coworker s response are lackluster think lol and i just wonder if she even want to talk to me making friend give me the same anxiety that trying to date someone give me that s kind of fucked up i should probably not care so much whether or not someone decides they want to be my friend but also it affect me i feel like i m not worthy of friendship because so many people have decided i m not worth their time and honestly this is a big moment for me because this is the moment i realize i ve internalized all that rejection and got to where i don t feel good enough for friendship why would someone pick me when i m a ball of nerve why would someone want to hang out with someone who only feel like half a person amp x 00b lately i ve been doing okay relative to the last 0 year i finally got a job that doesn t feel like chinese water torture i m on medication and that help a ton i m a lot better about not letting myself slip into negative thought pattern this week i haven t been feeling the overwhelming cloud of misery because i finally got medication that isn t expired and i m taking it regularly but every time i think about social stuff it just give me this squished feeling i can t name the feeling but it s visceral my body feel shitty i m going on a vacation with my mom and her work friend in a month and i m so fucking nervous because what if i do the thing that make everyone hate me i don t even know what the fucking thing is but spending four day with people who are talking crap about you in a small space i did that around this time last year and it wa so bad amp x 00b okay amp x 00b i m a solution oriented person and part of my problem is that i don t know how to fix this part of my life i don t really know what the solution is to feeling unworthy of friendship it took me eight year to figure out the solution to hating myself and honestly even though it s a struggle it s also worth it to fight through those feeling and find an even timbre social situation are just approached totally differently from a mental health perspective i ve googled how to feel le lonely and the fucking answer wa make friend how do you make friend when you feel like nobody want to be your friend and for good reason therapist have basically told me to find a group and the friendship will happen naturally but there s not a huge meet up scene in my area and i have a ton of anxiety about going to one and the few i have been to were not great i couldn t read the book on how to influence people and never feel powerless again i got halfway through it and it honestly felt like customer service kiss as bullshit but this time i m not even getting paid for it that book make me feel like i have to scrub my personality clean and poke myself into a small box to be socially acceptable amp x 00b i just don t know i m going to keep trying different thing i m going to keep putting myself out there because the only other choice is to keep doing thing the same shitty way with the same shitty outcome amp x 00b i needed this rant today and if anyone actually manages to read all that thanks for your time and i hope both our day get better,Depression +38006,addimitdedley never i thought i would still be here m at some point i gave up and thought i would effectively die in some ill advised manner never planned to be in this situation i have hope a career and a wife now yet someday i m waiting for it all to go up in flame feel like my time is limited and i wa never meant to get this far tittering on the edge of the abyss honestly don t know if i have it in me to climb out again getting flash back of being in that hole i can t recall how i got out it before in my case i can only describe it a god supernatural intervention i hope he doesn t allow me to go through this again honestly don t know if i can do this again,Depression +38007,so my wife ha clinical depression she wa diagnosed two year ago and ha actively been taking medication i won t lie it get hard sometimes but i m trying to understand this more and more so that i can maintain my own stability and mental health while helping her when i can anyhow so from an outsider s point of view sometimes it feel like my wife experienced something or doe something and then the depression symptom happen sometimes they boil over and sometimes you go back into therapy to help when i ask she say nothing specifically happened she just doesn t feel good is this common can yo help understand how some of you experience an onset of symptom tl dr trying to understand to be there for my wife,Depression +38008,i m quitting my job today and i m a wreck this job ha great people but the work and the hour day most of the year ha pushed me deeper into my depression than i can help i feel like such a failure quitting such a prestigious job because i couldn t handle it my therapist is hyping me up and all of my friend and family are so supportive but i am so unsupportive of myself that all of it read false ha anyone quit their job before because of mental difficulty how do you get excited about new opportunity rather than feeling depressed about past challenge,Depression +38009,some people are so incredibly good at faking confidence and man it s hard to believe how charismatic and shit people who are anxious or depressed can be,Depression +38010,lot of depressed people out here just barely holding on to what little they have if anything life is tough another day,Depression +38011,i know problem have always existed many people who are depressed now have been depressed before all of this shit happened but i can not help but feel like two year of our life have been taken away from u most people my age had to waste one year or more of their life doing college university remote i personally have witnessed multiple war and conflict break out over this time so much death so much stress so much grief anxiety and sorrow covid isn t the worst of what ha happened recently i feel like i don t need to mention what the world ha been going to hell a lot of people are writing that nothing seems fun well that s because it s not we re not allowed to do anything we re only allowed to be miserable and watch each other suffer emotionally financially mentally physically where ha everything went wrong maybe this is all a cruel joke well it s not funny,Depression +38012,being loved by everyone having money to take care of my family giving back traveling the world getting up each morning working on project having no insecurity being respected being king,Depression +38013,i can t cope with being alone again why am i so envious of my closest friend being happy with others while i am here by myself heartbroken and given delusion that i have an actual special relationship with her you told me that i wa your closest friend but why don t you treat me like one why do you look happier when you re with others why do you always make me look like a fool when i show my affection but appreciate any other person when they show theirs i ve always helped you at you at your lowest but why did you give up on me at my lowest there s so much that i want to ask her but i would look pathetic if i do you always tell me in person that i am important to you but why don t you want to spend time with me like the way we used to how can i get used to being alone again it s like i m being choked then allowed to breathe for a second just to get choked again right after my envy won t let me go i still want her i am still hoping i could fix this i want to be happy too but now nobody care if i show sadness i ll be seen a weak why do others get loved and have dependable people with them while i am left alone trying to find answer from people that are lonely too may i ask how can i depend on solely myself again i need to learn how i opened myself too much and now i feel like a husk with everything taken out from me i would not commit suicide but i have no fear of death now if it mean taking away these thought away from me once and for all,Depression +38014,it never get easier no matter how many year i wait it s not getting better i never learn to cope properly i don t even feel the slightest bit more okay or hopeful even after three year of therapy i am so fucking miserable every single day everything is so exhausting and i dread the fact that i have to wake up tomorrow and do something i just want to be left alone i can t deal with all of this i already shut down because of the smallest thing i have depressive episode every single day after work i don t want to live a a human being i hate this stupid world and everything in it i don t want it i never wanted to live in the first place i m so angry that i am forced to just exist because otherwise i d make people feel sad the joy i might feel for a few second once in a while doesn t make up for how much pain i go through daily none of this is fucking worth it and everyone who say it is is either lying to themselves or incredibly stupid,Depression +38015,i hate it when people cheer me on or encourage me or anything uplifting at all it hard to believe that they are genuinely saying that and not just saying it out of pity and just to be nice for example when i wa younger i hated being cheered on during race or competition even though i wa so far behind it felt horrible miserable and i wa furious i felt like fighting whoever cheered me on whenever people try to say something uplifting it just seems like they are being nice if you are saying something just to be nice it mean it not true and they feel bad for u idk if this is a personal thing but i just wan na know if anybody else can relate,Depression +38016,today wa a normal day i have started keep a to do list to tackle my depression it not always necessary for me to everything on that list provided i have some definite reason in my mind to not doing everything like okay i didn t cook today because the gas connection wasn t there also this list ha helped me with my medication a sometimes heavy dos make me feel forget to do small stuff but something s left from the list undone and i don t have any particular reason for that except spending extra time resting or etc i feel horrible and then a fear started to grow back of my head that if i don t keep with that list i will again fall in depression today after work i took some time off for myself then my boyfriend came over and we spent some quality time but it also made me let for cooking my dinner and a i planned to go for cycling after dinner now i am constantly feeling horrible for not striking off one job from my list and the absurd thing is i haven t even had my dinner yet so i am already freaking out about something which probably i will have time to do this whole situation is not only giving me anxiety without any concrete reason but also making me feel guilty for enjoying something that i love,Depression +38017,hello just need some music to listen and spend time thank you,Depression +38018,just booked to speak to my doctor about starting anti depressant i suffer from panic disorder agoraphobia developed from this depression and gad on a couple different thing at the moment but never had an ssri haven t been prescribed yet but zero doubt i will be i just wanted to see what people have experienced with these did they work for you did you face any unpleasant encounter with them any and all experience you are willing to share i would be grateful for i m just nervous about starting them my mind is quite foggy at the moment and it hard to get rid of my worry about them,Depression +38019,the first dog that my family ever got recently started experiencing seizure we took her to the vet and we won t be able to find out what the problem is a it cost too much money she is suspected of having a brain tumor and her steroid medication seems to be working i just can t help but feel like there isn t much time left for her and i can t deal with just the thought of her dying all i know is that she ll be in a better place and that she will have lived an amazing and happy life but i m completely broken,Depression +38020,i m just an armature idiot i m not a pro bodybuilder despite being diligent for over year in my training i m not a manager despite literally figuring out my current job from scratch and training everyone i m fucking short and pathetic and no one ever take me seriously i m not competent since i m a dumbass dropout and my depression and self loathe ha destroyed my social life how can i just go blip and never come back,Depression +38021,over lockdown i started binge eating to get through it wa fucking fantastic i d just get unbelievably stoned and eat and then suddenly it s tomorrow i didn t have to deal with anything but i don t enjoy eating anymore i don t like food it suck and i m at work and i pig out just to try make myself feel better because i guess that s what i do and i felt horrible so i thought hey is a good a year a any to develop an eating disorder so i tried throwing up in the toilet and literally couldn t get anything up i just gagged and then i pull back and suddenly the cloud change and i m just bathed in sunlight kneeling on the floor of a bathroom and i just couldn t stop thinking of those prayer add that say try praying and couldn t stop laughing for like 0 minute i wanted to share because i think it s really funny but who tf am i telling this story to so you get it anyways now i feel spewy af and need a smoke hope you enjoyed xo,Depression +38022,i ll go back to the beginning i started dating a girl i feel i really fell in love with it lasted only month but i really felt something for her there were a few time i asked to be intimate with her with the last time her telling me she thought she wa asexual i wa fine with that and wa trying my best to adapt she wasn t a touchy partner but my love language is touch whenever she asked to tone it down i did everything i could to tone it down though in hers and my whole friend group s eye i didn t try hard enough she broke up with me over text with a long paragraph not in person because our friend group probably told her i wa shaking from anxiety that morning i talked to a friend who wasn t in the friend group about what i knew wa going to happen the girlfriend got very upset with me about that but i felt like i couldn t talk to anybody about it without them telling the girlfriend about how scared i wa i admit talking to someone else instead of her wa wrong but i felt like if i talked to the girlfriend about how scared i wa of the break up it wa going to get worse she told me i made everyone uncomfortable that i don t listen or have boundary after reading that long break up paragraph i spiraled i ran somewhere the group wouldn t find me and i completely broke down it wa so bad that i wa taken to the hospital because of my thought of self harm and worse i lost that friend group that girlfriend a lot of people from that place there s only one person in that friend group that still talk to me and i think she s annoyed with how much i dream about everyone no one in the group talk about me anymore i wa easy to get rid of and easy to forget what suck more is that this isn t the first time this happened in that group i always knew that one wrong move and i wa next and then it actually happened i haven t been able to keep track of time or my own memory i haven t been sleeping well either too little or too much i ve been using pot a lot more than i had before and i m exhausted all day every day all i want is to die,Depression +38023,i dont know what s wrong with me i live in the philippine and im a year old boy i used to be a honor student when we still had face to face class but we had online class for the past year and in my first year of online class i got lucky and passed but now i don t know what im doing anymore im not doing anything productive i don t know what s happening i can t do anything right i can t even force myself to eat or take a bath or get out of my room i haven t eaten for half a day and i just feel bad all the time i always have this bad feeling in my stomach everytime i get messaged by my teacher about my missing project and i do my everything to avoid it i don t know why but everytime i see something about school i get dizzy and i skip it immediately i can t even sleep anymore because everytime i sleep i get nightmare about not doing my schoolwork i dont know if im just overreacting or im just lazy but i hate this feeling so much the disappointment of my parent when they find out every semester that i always have missing schoolwork the feeling in my heart and stomach i would rather die everytime i feel it i just want to dissapear everynight wishing to not wake up anymore wishing that i dont have to wake up and have the exact same feeling i might be overreacting about this but i just really want someone to talk to it always ha a chain reaction of overthinking and it lead to my childhood trauma like how i got sexually assaulted by my cousin when i wa at the age of everytime i came to their house to play they would teach me inappropriate thing that lead me into being exposed to pornography at such a young age they made me do thing that pleasure them and i used to think that it wa just normal and something that friend do i still blame myself for not stopping them and that i didn t say no i have always hated myself i wanted to live someone else s life anyone but me i dont want to be myself anymore i just want to dissapear i hate this feeling but i don t know what it is,Depression +38024,the number one reason i m severely depressed is the fact that i can never get a foothold in life i m like this powerful rocket on the launch pad that never take off rocket have phenomenal thrust potential but they need a team of people to actually allow it to succeed at what it wa built for i need friend i need family i need people to actually work with me i m year old and have yet to find a foothold to allow me to ascend the mountain for success i ve worked so hard i ve worked countless hour i ve dedicated my heart and soul to excellence i even started my own company a few year ago but a company can not simply run itself you need client investor and people that actually believe in what you re doing in order for that to reach it fully potential i have all this stored up explosive thrust yet no way to get any of it off the launch pad i can have all the desire integrity energy die hard spirit and tenacity however i can t do it alone in a world of untapped potential i feel absolutely isolated and alone i m incredibly intelligent and resourceful yet i m still broke financially and can t ever find a way to get a leg up it take more then one person to succeed i can t continue to give 000 while this world turn a cold shoulder to me and give nothing in return it doesn t and can t work that way so yeah i m depressed and teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown because life isn t working with me it s constantly working against me and to my ultimate demise,Depression +38025,i think i am meant to die in obscurity i ve been working here for almost year and learned everything from scratch this company is just a mess yet i ve got nowhere else to go last year we had a new guy start and he ended up being my best friend i trained him we literally know everything about each other and we ve gotten close but one thing that bothered me wa that he s gotten two promotion not just small promotion i m talking management business partner promotion within le than month here i am who know the service center and struggling to keep our employee happy and training new people yet i keep getting overshadowed i ve given up on everything now it s clear to me that i personally don t matter anywhere i have to die so i can be reborn or just never be born agai into this pathetic life i m too nice and i m short and dropped out of college i m happy for him because i m such a nice guy and i know his story so i know it s not nepotism and he would be a great fit but so would i not even a freaking interview just to be a temporary solution for a permanent manager so why set yourself up for failure and use somoene who ha not been in this role in over minths and avoid the one person who took everything on and learned everybing from scratch and literally got a pay increase a year after because they diddint fucking realize i had worked for over 0 ymfycmi g year kill me nowjillmekillemememememenediediedeidekillme,Depression +38026,i just can t i m too weak too pathetic too lazy too cowardly i m going to kill myself,Depression +38027,i failed my behind the wheel test for the third time god know how many time i took and failed the written exam though i seem to be doing fine when i m driving with my husband i wonder if me and driving is not just meant to be i suck at everything,Depression +38028,i just can t people and the thought of how i am uninteresting and awkward in social situation make me sick,Depression +38029,i m just wondering if starting on antidepressant again after having taking a break is it still month i have to wait for them to kick in again i m assuming so but i wa also hoping maybe it d be sooner i ve been off fluoxetine for about a month or so i think it s hard to keep track and i feel like i m spiralling back into feeling hopeless kinda dream like where i can never keep up with everything i know i shouldn t have stopped but i m so forgetful and it wa so hard keeping up with staying on schedule with taking my med i m also thinking maybe i should ask my doctor about an adhd diagnosis i wa with a free service headspace with a clinician helping me with my mental health but i feel like they weren t helping me enough don t get me wrong i really really appreciate everything they did for me but it just felt so long getting answer between the session and i did try bringing these thing up to my clinician it wa kind of a toss up between me possibly having adhd or autism but since i m an adult and i live in a small town in australia there s no psychologist or anything who can formally diagnose me here we were doing zoom call with an actual psychologist at time but these were very long month apart and it felt like nothing wa happening he also couldn t tell me if it wa autism adhd since he didn t have the qualification it wa hard juggling the schedule with my job i had recently gotten and i kept forgetting to go to my appointment then i kept forgetting to take my med eventually i stopped going to headspace and wa no longer enrolled in their program i felt like i would be fine i could deal with it but i just can t i feel so damn isolated like i m on another plane of existence sometimes i struggle so much to keep up with everything i struggle so much to connect with people and communicate genuinely without having to mask or act i just don t know what to do since the only other way i can get a proper diagnosis is going to the nearest big city and paying a lot of money for that diagnosis it s 00 for a doctor to tell me if i have autism or not and i don t even know how to go about the adhd diagnosis another 00 for the flight and accommodation too should i try and save money for the diagnosis i feel like my friend and family dismiss me so much about my mental health too they make me feel so doubtful like i d be wasting money like i d go over there and i d be told nothing is wrong with me i can save the money but i m afraid of my friend and family being right about this sort of thing,Depression +38030,i haven t had a mental breakdown in a while because i m practicing to not let thing get to me a much a i did before now a day i ve been feeling sad not wanting to talk to people getting angry and cry i cried for about day now and i don t know how to get back to normal i m scared that i might go back in my black hole and that would be terrible because i don t think i can stop the thought if they yell loud enough i m scared because i might fall back and listen it s miserable in the black hole honestly i ve been pushing so hard in 0 i just want someone tell me that they are proud of me and to keep pushing please if you re a father please note that you are because i would love to hear it from a dad father s are their daughter first love but not in my case so please help me out,Depression +38031,i didn t do the best in school i doubt i ll have any success i hate blaming it on other thing but i wa homeless for a little while and constantly on the edge of being homeless and i knew it i wa physically abused and have ptsd because of it i ve struggled with substance abuse i m just feeling like i ve already messed up and i don t even have good memory of my childhood i don t know what to do i m only 9 and i m just over it all i don t see it getting better im closed off from my friend and family i barely see them im just so lost mentally,Depression +38032,depressed college student checking in i literally get 9 hour of sleep every single night i dont drink or abuse substance and am in good shape for the love of god i can not get my as out of bed i seriously cant im having really poor attendance issue becayse of this i hate what i do i see no point in all of this struggle to just fuckin exist all this hell i go thru debt stress and burnout is all so i can have a chance at a shit show 9 job my school love to make life unnecessarily hard to keep student from graduatin on time so they can suck more ane more from u getting out of bed is my biggest challenge it all full circle im depressed i dont like what i do and i dont feel that what im doing is effective i m anxious about my future and dont know what to do about it all i look forward to doing is sleeping eating is a chore showering is a chore being awake is a hassle the cost of existance ha won it beat the life outta me,Depression +38033,i m and my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety yesterday meanwhile my mom doesn t leave any chance to make me feel inferior keep barking the world would be a mess if there will be more like you thank god i didn t have another child are some common term i hear everyday but let s skip that i workout almost everyday and took a day break due to a minor injury while bench pressing but now i m just not feeling ok i worked out today and my forearm got so fatigued that i could do nothing so i started with ab again nothing then leg stretching again nothing i m tired of myself i couldn t even tell the doctor what s happening with me i m hitting myself of anger i m shouting i m throwing the weight here and there and what not i ve been feeling really off and am feeling weird my chest is heavy my throat is heavy im not able to cry i m not able to do anything,Depression +38034,i am 0 trying to achieve my goal but i stay on bed doing nothing for several month i live alone and feel loneliness all the time i want somebody to get motivated together on daily basis to overcome our problem,Depression +38035,i usually brush it off with excuse but it s time to be honest with myself i m actively in a depression episode feeling like cry constantly and it s exhausting to do anything no interest in living just existing and my med aren t working for it so here i am depressed and feeling stuck,Depression +38036,i passed the part where the withdrawal made me feel crap i m slowly becoming the person i wa before med but i really didn t miss it my insecurity is the highest it s ever been in year i ve been ignoring school i ve gained weight there is always this sound in my head saying no one actually want me my usual cheerful self feel forced now it s weird how the feeling i had for year can feel so foreign i don t know a long a my family doesn t know about it it s okay i guess,Depression +38037,i m tired of trying but sadly i m insistent or maybe i never actually tryed something im alone since ever i ve never had friend or someone special never dated anything the only relationship that wa all the time on my head wa the one with myself or maybe how much this relation wa needed and it feel the same about having a family i think of leaving them and start living for me and my own and only life for literally the first time im going to a therapist now it took me long and hurtful year to accomplish this im really proud of me for taking this step alone and even hyped kinda faithful but honestly i ll never recover around my family and that suck cause i don t have money yet and not even a job im not able to work thanks to depression my family pay my shit and make sure to remember me this every day that s my biggest shame but on the inside i know that i can t do that for me now but the feeling that i m a total waste of life will never fade away cause i never did it i never lived but i saw too much i have so many me on me that i don t know which one is the actual me i believe i m still a child year when my first trauma happened there s no memory from moment before or after this age only from my emotion and fear and it s scary af cause they re all fear of a little girl it s all the same cold not sure of anything but know a lot not alive enough to feel but feeling too much at the same time and i m the same girl alone scared and sad willing for help but with no one to ask besides me been living through other age and others version of myself every one with their personality and the y me me living the alternative story that in the end is probably another part of another time of my existence but i m lost on who or what i am i m still scared from the bad today the bad from inside that s the worst one growing in silence causing confusion and suffering turned myself into a monster to protect me but made me forever guilty for losing my own respect dangerous in all the scariest is that the real cunning and devious danger is inside i still wonder when i ll get home even though i have no idea of where or what home is or feel like,Depression +38038,so why do i still feel so depressed i survived a horrible brain injury twice i did well in school and went to college and earned a degree i found love and got engaged i attended again and got a second degree i m working in the field i wanted to in the speciality that i love i have friend and family who love me i do the thing that i enjoy doing i feel hopeless i feel worn out i am bored with life at only i feel pessimistic i feel depressed doe anyone else feel like they ve done all the right thing followed all the right step and are still depressed i know this process take time but it s hard to feel motivated to continue trying when for almost eleven year nothing i m doing is helping,Depression +38039,the only time i enjoy this life is when i m next to my laptop but i cant stare at it for ever i m always uncomfortable outside my room it s the only safe place i have been told to face reality many time before and when i do i always end up worrying others with my mental state so this time i think i ll face reality head first and i m sure some of them will be sad i know people care for me but i don t care about myself but i care them so by doing this im just helping them long term right im sorry for hurting confusing etc others i never meant to,Depression +38040,i feel so tired so exhausted i sleep most of the day away and have no reason to get up thing are hard and my life is in a bad spot on one had i feel like i wan na let go and let the tear flow but on the other hand i just feel so empty and they don t even wan na come out i just sit here staring at the same spot in the wall with no drive to do anything anymore i m not sure the anti depressents are even helping me much anymore they re gon na run out soon anyways because of some bullshit with my insurance that s nice i just feel like i need to get out get some where far away and if i don t soon thing are gon na end badly i have nightmare about my emotional support animal dying still it s so hard to get over it my friend keep checking in on me because i m not active and say it s fine and i can vent but i feel i m letting them down i don t even drink to escape and feel like i can t anyways because an abusive drunk father i had got violent when he did and i m scared of ending up like him this is a vent post so i don t expect any reply out of it i just really needed to let this out and i obviously couldn t tell a therapist because i d just be put in a damn hospital and billed out of my as for it,Depression +38041,recently i anonymously posted on my uni facebook page just to vent about my constant self doubt and how i struggle to do well in the course i want to succeed in because it s a dream job you can post anything there a long a it s uni related most comment were nice but this one absolutely unnecessary comment told me i should give up and how it s unfair that i m taking up space for others who will do better in my course like huh i know what they said is so off track and i should 00 ignore it cu they re a fking loser who know nothing about everything but i can t help but have it repeated in my head because i already have such a lack of self confidence in my skill and i genuinely believe that i m not cut out for it but i know damn well that i m trying what i can to achieve a goal despite everything around me but yeah needed to let this out i can t believe people like him exist it wasn t even just my post he shat on everyone else who wa struggling with uni how sad can your life be to do that,Depression +38042,i wqs wondering after i remember myself trying lot of med im currently on risperidona 0mg and it working like a charm what dose do you guy use of your med and what type of med for profound psychotic depression,Depression +38043,why there is psychosis in profound depression whats the chemical explanation,Depression +38044,amp x 00b how do u deal with the loneliness when living alone how do u engage yourself who do u talk to i literally crave some human being to talk to but have only few friend,Depression +38045,my parent recorded a great deal of my early childhood so there is a lot of footage of me when i wa very young i used to be the most innocent and carefree little boy who never even once thought about what others thought about him or the way he looked i never cared about being lonely it wa just me with me and my mom and dad and i wa the happiest kid in the world the smallest thing made me smile year later i am now miserable and wishing i wa dead i barely even speak to my parent anymore and i push away and resent everybody around me my parent are heartbroken by the fact that i don t speak to anyone i m horrified by how shit my life ha become and how terrible of a person i am now due to my own mental health deteriorating beyond control i had so many friend a year ago but all i do is push people away and be a burden seeing what i used to be and comparing it to what i am now make me want to cry every time i see a little kid being happy and innocent i wish so badly that i never grew up and i could have remained a happy little boy forever,Depression +38046,i can not change the bad in me i feel hopeless i do not want to hurt i always want to make the best out of the worst i do not want to hurt,Depression +38047,i just got another thing i have to look out and care for overcame the college exam and finally found one more freelance deal to keep me fed anyway job got cancelled because of covid 9 but it s an online tutoring what doe it ha to do with covid i m doing all i can with every option i have i work consistently but why doe it always have to be so one sided i have day left with only little money enough for a single meal until i may get the chance to work there are phone and landline bill which i wouldn t be able to work without yet still unpaid because college say fuck you and pay u or we kick you out because i didn t have enough to enroll for this term why why why i want to die but i can t i don t want to make people i care about sad but this is not fair,Depression +38048,hello stranger this is just a vent post so i ll try to be thorough if i m going to suffer on account of my own bad decision i might a well try to get some upvotes out of it he blocked me on his snapchat although i have thought about reaching out and trying to patch thing up via other texting apps i m pretty sure he s done with me i need to mention that we weren t technically dating and i ve only been together with him about a month you wan na know the best part i wa the one who actually hurt him i can t even claim to be the victim here every shitty emotion currently pinning me down is 00 deserved all because i wa having a bad day and decided to smother my emotion in the company of another dude it wa only a month nothing ha really changed in my life i m still 9 year old i m still going to college i m still not attending class and i m still just a shitty a i wa before someone asked me once where i wan na be in five year if i m lucky my the time i m twenty four i ll be long dead i ve been thinking about ending my life almost every day i don t really see a way out of this endless cycle of bad emotion i m just scared that i m too much of a coward to go through with it i guess i want to know if it get better i want someone to tell me that i m not too far gone and there s still hope for me even if i don t believe it myself,Depression +38049,just completely drained of all impulse feel like my body is a big doll and it just leaked all it air and i m just completely deflated i sold out gave up on my belief i wasted my young year loving someone who doesn t love me gave in to every compulsion and spent my year a a sidekick a a passerby a a ghost i don t even feel like dying or living or anything i m just deflated dissaociated i feel like i m just the memory that my body have and those memory are all terrible or associated with terribleness like i m stuck in a dark room and can only hear the same stupid dumb anticlimactic story over and over and over again there is no point or reason or value or meaning to anything i honestly don t understand how ppl can walk in city and think this urban hell is real we live in a horrible dystopian hell,Depression +38050,i once had some talent look charm and a sense of the endless possibility of life and existence but i blew it all with terrible decision now i stand here with head bowed beaten destroyed the oyster is rotten,Depression +38051,for long in a while i hit a down again and that come with a lot of thinking like last time when i felt like that i distanced myself from my friend and they didn t even bother to ask me what is wrong with me i m an really introverted person but ask them all the time how they are doing and offer them my support i ask myself when they would if they start to ask themselves where i am if i would just dissappear without saying anything i can t believe i am posting in this sub again but i don t know who to tell stuff like this,Depression +38052,so i came out of clinical depression like month ago i wa never on med i somehow used affirmation and mental exercise however today when i still see people battling mental illness and not address it and be in this successful relationship in front of the world and them coming to me with their relationship issue which point back to their mental health i find this so ironic and make me feel stupid for healing completely cause in this world we live in a healed person is punished with solitude and a person who is goin thru their trauma ha support from someone or something i don t even know what this cycle mean i just wan na know and be for someone out there,Depression +38053,i am not sure if this is the right place for it but last friday one of my classmate told me jokingly to jump out of a window she ha been doing that joke for over a month i ve had it up to here so i said i d blow my head off on the weekend i tried to hurt myself and went to the emergency room on monday they prescribed me some lexapro and i went home relieved that i finally got some help half an hour after i returned home cop stormed my apartment saying they received a hint from the school that i wa gon na hurt myself and they searched my whole apartment for a gun which i don t have so they obv didn t find one and restrained me they then took me to the same hospital i wa at just half an hour ago and i spoke to the psychiatrist there again who told the police i am not a threat to myself or someone else so they let me go again during that they took my phone and it ran out of battery and i didn t have access to it for like hour or more during that time two of my classmate messaged me asking why i blocked them and they attacked me not knowing my phone ran out of battery and that s why i didn t answer they then blocked me and i explained to them on instagram what happened and they read it but didn t care apparently my classmate apparently told our headmaster they were worried and then he called the police i am getting the proper help from all of my teacher and my headmaster and i have an appointment with our school psychiatrist soon it s just that this whole police incident ha left me panicking and cry when i see a police officer car and everytime someone with heavy boot walk on my apartment floor i sit up thinking the police will come back again i also can t sleep properly and can t distract myself because i keep having horrible flashback of the scene when the police stormed in which leaf me breaking down it left me broken traumatized overwhelmed and desperate because i don t know what to do on top of that my classmate all blocked me are ignoring me and not even looking at me talking about being worried and not even one person asked me if i wa alright or how i wa doing i am considering going back to the emergency room and talking to the same psychiatrist from before but it s not really an emergency you know sorry if this text is long i am just overwhelmed and don t know what to do anymore all i know is i am traumatized a fuck and broken what should i do someone please assure me that everything is gon na be okay because at this point all my hope ha left me,Depression +38054,everyone say it get better i have wanted to kill myself since i m now and i wish i had done it then i wish i wa brave back then because thing are only worse now,Depression +38055,i have already had a bad start to my day i wa in a car line about to drop off my daughter and my foot accidentally left the pedal and i bumped into the car in front absolutely no damage or scratch left she come out immediately saying you stupid bitch n a bunch of profanity at me i have my kid in the car under yo and i m pregnant so i avoid all confrontation plus she s threatening to put her hand on me the cop come they give her my insurance info and a of now she ha already filed a claim with them the only thing i m stressing about is telling my husband he s so emotionally abusive and it just suck it wa an accident and i know he s going to talk mess to me i just wished i had a more supportive husband by my side i ve already had a bad day i ve already had enough emotional abuse at the hand of my mother and sometimes i feel like he s worse and i just can t continue living like this any longer he won t let me divorce him either i can only imagine the custody battle he will drag me through i have no job and no where to go no one to lean on i m just feel so stuck even if i did leave he physically won t let me leave with my kid and if i leave when he s not here i ll be scared of the threat,Depression +38056,even the most basic task are super difficult to do this is most likely going to be my final week on this shitty planet and it s most certainly going to be my final post,Depression +38057,i am year old and i have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depressive problem since i wa i have no one i don t have anyone to talk to when i have a problem my family it s not even that they don t want to help me it s that they don t want to listen to me they have even blamed me for part of their problem my father tried to kill himself over 0 year ago when i wa little and i have always been afraid that he would do it again a few year ago i wa very bad and my father told me that when he saw me like that he wanted to crash the car into a wall how could i share my problem in such a situation i do not have friend i may have had at some point year ago but never particularly close and the one who wa closest to me when he found out about my problem he started to distance himself from me apart from telling many more people what i told him in private i have no one to vent to no family or friend i left my psychologist to whom i paid 0 euro per session because she came to call me selfish for being depressed and not being in the same situation a a beggar a cancer patient or a person from ukraine this last one seemed totally outrageous to me i do not know what to do i m sick all day no one to vent to or talk about anything just my medication that doesn t work for me lately and so with year i can t get any better just survive day to day,Depression +38058,i feel the need of depending on people for me to feel better and more comfortable but i don t think that s the right way to go but at the same time i m not even sure how i could better myself on my own it s probably the most difficult thing i m doing and i just feel really nervous right now and i hate that i sleep so late it s honestly bugging me and affecting me so much i just want someone who truly care about me to say i ll do alright that i ll find a way to overcome this it feel uncomfortable to cry at time i can t even do it really anymore it just last a few second and then my state of mind change and my brain just go through these phase of different feeling im not sure what i m gon na do tonight but i guess the only thing i can do is be on my phone and just have this pain in my chest last till i pas out,Depression +38059,this week hasn t been any short of just sad i sprained my ankle on sunday and have been using crutch because of it i m on my college campus so getting to class ha been super difficult my ex and i went no contact on sunday and i ve just been cry over that so much because i still am very much in love with them and miss them so much over the past couple of week i ve been rejected from at least 0 job i wa waiting to hear back from this summer internship position yesterday i put my heart and soul into the application other people have received their acceptance email around 0pm last night but i have yet to hear anything and because they said they d reach out to u yesterday if we got accepted i can just assume that i didn t get the position that just feel like the straw that broke the camel back there hasn t been an hour within the past couple day where i haven t cried i just feel so hopeless and so alone i feel myself slipping back into depression and it suck so much i just don t feel like there s anything i can do atp,Depression +38060,this past year ha been my get out of hand year i normally handle my depression well i know what trigger low point i know how to get myself out of my funk i know how to manage it but this year oh this year ha beat the ever loving shit out of my mental health i had a baby and got ppd really bad i have ptsd from being in a horrible accident with my best friend and having him literally die while i wa trying my hardest to stop the bleeding and the anniversary of his death is coming up on the st the only person i ever would talk about it with wa our friend sarah who wa dating his brother and she really took me in and helped me the week following his death i had started drinking heavily and just being wreck le and not caring if anything happened to me she wa the biggest ball of sunshine and positive person i had ever met and she killed herself last month i didn t even know she wa depressed so my mind is a wreck right now she wa my positive person my rock and she couldn t handle her sadness and took her own life and i feel even more horrible because how selfish wa it of me to not see that she wasn t okay i have cried every day for two week i am angry and hostile and don t want to be around anyone i don t even want to me around my own kid my mom temporarily moved in for the next couple of week because of how bad i wa getting my neighbor are even texting me asking if i m okay and i have hit the point where i don t even try faking it i just say no no i m not okay,Depression +38061,i couldn t take the pain anymore so i locked up my emotion and feeling and when i have to interact with others i fake it i know that when i let them back in it s going to be catastrophic but i need it being on ice feel good every now and then what scare me is that when i wa little i used to do it without realizing it for week at a time and i didn t know how to get out of it now i check myself from time to time to see what state i m in and whether it s time to get out of it or not i think i ll stay in the ice for week i think,Depression +38062,it s one thing to feel bad mentally but when i m constantly feeling physically ill a well it make trying to get myself to do positive thing so much harder i can never just feel okay not mentally or physically always in some sort of pain and always feeling like shit then when you ask for help you just get out on a month waiting list,Depression +38063,everything is a really weird blur not all the time but these wave of blur come and go doe anybody else have this it s like i m existing but not really dead but alive deaf but i can hear blind but i can see what is this,Depression +38064,school work talent cultural knowledge relationship health physical appearance there s always someone better than me and no matter how hard i try the result are mediocre nothin outstanding i shouldn t have existed everything i ve done amount to nothing,Depression +38065,i just want to be left alone i wish people would stop reaching out i just need alone time to heal i don t share that i have depression with my family or friend so that make it weirder they probably think i m rude but regardless i wish i would be left alone,Depression +38066,i try to play video game but just quit immediately and the same thing happens with my guitar i just can t do either one,Depression +38067,i m alive because i wan na outlive all the mf who gave me truma,Depression +38068,i m not sure if this is the right subreddit to go to but i don t know where else to go my spouse ha struggled with severe depression his whole life it is genetic his dad wa the same any amount of pressure make him worse he constantly feel a though life is not worth living and he s a lost cause he will never feel okay and just want the pain to go away we have a baby coming any day now and i wa worried that pressure wa gon na send him over the edge we have been talking about having him voluntarily go to a psych ward and see if they can help kinda a a last ditch effort before i just give him permission to end it today he talked to his counselor about going to one in a few week after the baby wa here and they came and picked him up an hour later he is pissed doesn t want to be there which i understand is normal he feel completely betrayed by his councellor and never want to go back i m worried that now he is going to pretend like he is fine just to get out the point of this is to get help why won t he just take it i m scared the mental hospital won t help at all i just need you guy who have been there before to be honest with me did it help what thing helped and what made it worse if it doe help or when he come back home what are some thing i can do to continue the healing process or just make his life easier anything else you feel to share please do i hate not knowing thing and this is really killing me right now,Depression +38069,why can t people like me what did i do wrong am i really just a shitty person i ve known for a long as while that no one like me but i ve just ignored that fact and smiled and tried to socialize with others it just make thing worse and i m just an annoying fuck i just wan na know why i m annoying i ve accepted all of this today and realized that no one give a fuck about me even my own family think i m just a burden why can t people just like me,Depression +38070,i hold a lot of pain and trauma in me and i m not good at sharing it with others except for a very select few i have started therapy recently sometimes this pain really take control of me almost put me in a black hole where i can t stop and it take a big toll on me and those closest to me mentally therefore i am hurting the people i love most in my life and the pain only get worse i wish i can stop but i get so deep in this hole for that moment of time and i can t escape it when i realize how awful i have been to everyone else it s too late the damage ha been done they understand my trauma and what i been through but people can only handle so much i don t want to hurt those around me anymore what are the best tip to stop or just improve over time thank you,Depression +38071,what can i do besides tell someone that someone is bullying me it keep my depression even worse thx for the help,Depression +38072,i have been going for month to a new therapist and originally the goal wa to just do self care like shower eat take my med stuff like that i had graduated college and moved to a new city to start my first big boy job and i wa struggling with the life transition now i have everything together i take care of myself i have a stable career i go out on the weekend i have a strong healthy relationship but i m still depressed every session it seemed like she wa seeking goal out of me but i just don t have any i have everything but i m not happy and i can t come up with anything that would bring me happiness when i have everything i would need last night the topic of session wa my connection with people which i had made a goal out of last month but after getting to the end of it i made the statement that i don t know if i even want to make or strengthen these connection and she got frustrated with me and mentioned taking a break until i had a goal set and that my depression could just be my personality at this point since i have been dealing with it since i wa i m now i m just upset with myself and i don t really know what to do i ve had therapist in my life and none have really helped i know i have to do the work but it s hard for them to guide me when i don t even know what direction to go in i guess i just need to get another or more antidepressant or something idk,Depression +38073,i m year old and i ve been depressed since sophomore in high school during those year i ve tried my best to keeping myself together not showing my true emotion try to make friend make people laugh etc and of course i still go through battle within myself but i ve been the victor so far recently it s been incredibly difficult i ve been contemplating suicide more often than usual now i am not saying that i m going to go through with it because it would absolutely destroy my family especially my mom they love me and i m lucky to have friend that care about me a well however i can t help but notice that my life is a complete and utter joke i ve made no accomplishment really nothing of value that i ve made a a year old person and it s getting to me i m not an intelligent person i have no ambition i have no drive and i have no goal in life compared myself to everyone else i m a loser i m a loser and i know it for a fact and i feel like my friend and family even my peer at work know it a well i m a joke now it ha been a struggle to keep my emotion and thought under control people start to notice a change in my demeanor when i talk to them noticing how i m not acting a my usual self my true emotion is starting to show itself and unending thought of suicide ha gone rampant i believe i am losing myself day by day and i m trying my damnedest to keep up appearance and not letting people worry about me of course i can t afford to go to therapy session or get my hand on prescribed medication so i m only left with limited resource hell i just got denied health insurance without a clue a to why honestly i m not sure what i m expecting by posting here i just appreciate anyone that took the time of their day to read my run of the mill sob story and perhaps giving their two cent thanks,Depression +38074,i hate my living situation and i have no way out of it i m stuck and i cry almost everyday everyone in my home make me feel pointless and unwanted i wish i could control how sensitive i am about it,Depression +38075,what can i say something major happened someone died friend of mine i am drunk i dont wan na call hotlines they know me already,Depression +38076,im talking about the kind of depressive episode where you lay in bed all day for day week and struggle to find energy motivation for simple functioning such a eating and showering just lay sit there having negative thought and feeling hopeless useless and pathetic i have these episode a few or so time a year my question is do you generally have something in your mind that feel like the obstacle you need to cross to start the process of getting out of your depressive episode for example sometimes for me i just feel like if only i could completely clean my house i d start to feel better other time it might be something else on my to do list or a few thing i feel are the obstacle to feeling better the obstacle always seem insanely mundane but also impossible to do in my state a if i d have to put on a ton of body weight and get up and do it with all that extra weight and already feeling fatigued it bizarre because ive noticed over the year that completing whatever it is that i ve decided a my obstacle is generally the st step to leaving my major depressive episode i can t describe the mental workout it is to get something done sometimes though like i may attempt to get it done time in a week to just end up giving up and going back to bed i m just wondering if anyone else get this and set up hurdle type thing for themselves when they are super depressive and do you ever eventually complete your obstacle amp doe it help you to coming out of the episode,Depression +38077,i always issue and now they are catching up with me my blood pressure is dangerously high most day i m dizzy and disoriented worst of all i m tired the last one wa here for a long time but it got to the point where i no longer have the energy to do anything no matter how hard i try to push it i wa passively suicidal for a long time i didn t have the courage to actually kill myself but i wouldn t look both way when i crossed the street i drank and smoked did stuff that i knew wa dangerous and now it seems it worked and now i m scared i don t care about myself but i have man who love me i have a month old little brother and i m terrified what how they would feel if i died but my condition is getting worse and i can t bring myself to do anything about it,Depression +38078,this post is regarding my father who relentlessly forced his own will upon me and made me choose my career and life choice based on that a a result it ha brought catastrophic consequence for me i wa an above average student at school but used to be excellent in creative pursuit like theatre writing story and poem english literature filmmaking etc but my father wa totally against all that he made me choose what subject i needed to take for my good future and it wa always what he think wa best that zi needed to do there wa actually no way i could protest because it would have led to physical violence so to cut the story short i graduated from school in the year 0 then because my father forced me to enroll in a wierd course i lost two more year until i couldn t and then in 0 i had to drop out because i wa failing in every exam it wa in those several month that i endured the worst mental agony of my life it wa a lot of mental burden placed upon me my father called me a failure and what not and compared me with a number of successful kid in the neighborhood and to the kid of his friend who were in good university and doing very well in 0 i cracked one of the toughest exam but unfortunately my rank wa not good and most of it wa due to the rampant corruption and lack of transparency and accountability in the examination conducting board what i mean to say is that i could have scored better if the result were not questionable in nature a court case went but nothing happened finally i take admission in one of the worst place i could imagine to spend another year of my life doing something i absolutely loathed again because of the pressure from my father then in 0 0 i finally graduated but then the covid pandemic broke out every one wa working from home and the nature of my degree wa such that for newbie like me working from home wa not possible and in hand office experience wa required so i went unemployed for a year also in my final year i contracted a terrible life long disease due to the mental stress i wa in and the crappy food that i had to eat the mess in the hostel where i lived for year wa horrendous to say the least now it is 0 and i am still unemployed my father somehow blame me entirely for this and never once accepted his mistake in life now not only him but i too view myself a a failure and have lost faith in myself the confidence that i once had the energy of youth that wa brimming to overflow when i graduated from school in thr summer of 0 is all exhausted and gone i could have done something really good with my life in the creative field that s what i think i have a knack for it i have a good power of imagination and an intuitive mind but now i feel it wa all a waste and all ha been for nothing i have wasted more than 0 year of my life in my higher study and doing something i not only loathe but detest in the highest possible way it would not be wrong to say that my father is responsible for screwing my life over but that s what i think am i making an excuse what do you think,Depression +38079,original text in german translated with google translator sorry for any mistake i hope it s still understandable unhappy with myself constantly comparing to others what do i really want need to get my life on track want to solve problem myself don t accept help don t say how i really feel say everything is fine even though nothing is fine gt pretend to myself dishonest to myself gaming training etc distraction self therapy i have the feeling that something is wrong with me everyday routine make me sick depressed every day at work and at home everything the same there must be more to life look for a sense in everything gt no sense waste of time aversion to social medium gt constantly comparing and seeing the perfect life of others make me sick thought what if i jumped off the bridge now or what if i would jump out of the window now what if i drove my car into the tree now obsessive thought suicidal thought constant dissatisfaction gt self improvement self optimization very present topic e g room training except in one s own head feeling i am different nobody understands me and nobody will ever understand me feeling of not being myself not knowing who how what i really want reactively bad relationship with my sibling why thought what if my father is dead would i be sad would i be happier thought i just want to smack my dad in the face for what he did to me and my family i m worth nothing i am a bad person because of my bad thought try to distract me from my problem youtube gaming etc if i m asked about it i don t want to talk about it avoid it mental breakdown in the car 0 0 0 on the way back from vocational school completely cry all the time and resolve to tell my problem and change my life when i m at home gt not done thought i m breaking off my education i hate my job i can t quit again i ve already dropped out of high school and college i m a piece of shit everything get better after training if i could do that summer 0 is now and my training is over i would do it no self confidence self esteem completely screwed can t express my feeling emotion erectile dysfunction because of depression very emotional video in which i find myself e g depression what do others think about me do they notice that i m weird different gorge on everything don t talk about my problem feeling of not living in the present but in the past lack of drive lack of motivation why am i doing all this what s the point unhappy feeling wanting to flee from the world and everything disease unresolved childhood trauma depression social phobia anxiety disorder alcohol problem obsession personality disorder who am i what do i want need a lot of love feeling to be loved at work feel uncomfortable shy and tense gt situation in which i sit in the car driving home and start screaming and banging on the roof i find it more and more difficult with other people to get in touch i m getting more and more shy and withdrawn i feel lonely and sad what happens after the training how doe it go on afraid of not making the exam no strength to do school stuff afraid of a lecture at school finally want to find me and be happy with me and my life mental breakdown christmas 0 with daniel and thorsten topic father mental breakdown at grandma in the garden with michael reason longing for day when i wa happy and carefree i m turning already and i still haven t gotten anything right in my life don t let any feeling get to me only laugh very seldom strong self doubt feeling in society there is no right place for me feeling of having to be perfect not accepting my mistake myself seek my luck in thing like alternative way of life world travel etc want to get away from materialism consumer society capitalism fast life,Depression +38080,everyday i wake up same routine i feel underappreciated by those i live with i have very few i m very close to and care about my mental state ha been on a rapid decline for month now i m basically living for my cat and the person i m closest to i just constantly have this overwhelming sense of dread and paranoia everyday my family just doesn t seem to care anytime i do anything they make me feel lesser than them because i m not like them i just cant bring to care about most thing i try to lose myself in game or reading manga i dont want to necessarily die but i m just tired of living in general i dont tell people how i feel out of not wanting to put my problem on them i have spent a lot of night lately cry my self to sleep at am,Depression +38081,i m a college student who ha changed their major different time and am currently pre med although i have always struggled in my science course for about the last year i have had zero motivation my gpa is slowly slipping a i never study or go to class i used to smoke weed all day i wa high most of 0 but i quit and now i just go on my phone in my room or watch movie i have no friend here and don t socialize i usually only leave my room to get food or to study for a test usually the day before or day of i get jealous when i see everyone hanging out and enjoying their college experience while i go to the movie alone or find other way to distract myself i keep telling myself i have to change but i never do i feel like my advisor have given up on me i don t even know if i want to be a doctor but it s a clear cut path that will allow me to help people and provide job security although my real dream is going to hollywood and trying to make it a a screenwriter i have been depressed and have cycled through a lot of medication with my doctor none of them work she now think i may have adhd i just struggle to think long term and have been extremely burnt out since senior year of high school before then i wa always a good student i don t know what happened to me i often fantasize about suicide or dying and lately have just been wishing to stay in my room and just do drug all day i don t know where my drive ha gone,Depression +38082,my best friend doesn t want to be friend anymore i don t have the energy to fight for our friendship i feel a though i m constantly trying to be a better friend and person just because i m trying doesn t mean i m perfect but that s okay i m heartbroken over the fact but i can not keep someone who doesn t wan na be my friend,Depression +38083,this is my first reddit post also my first time sharing this information with anyone but i can t really keep it in anymore man so bear with me hopefully there s a psychiatrist out there that will read this and hit me with some world altering advice because there is absolutely no way in hell i will ever tell anyone especially not a doctor or psychiatrist what you are about to read but i really just need to get this out there first and foremost no im not going to kill myself let s get that out of the way but i do think im depressed i wa telling myself it wa just a life slump for a long time then i wa telling myself it wa just sadness from the slump now i ve literally been sad and thinking negatively of myself almost every day for like a year and i got ta talk about it with someone even if someone is this phone screen i ve always had major self esteem and confidence issue not really sure what it stem from but i have always felt inferior to those around me which btw i can not believe people live life happy with their appearance that is a blessing that people take for granted anyways ive done some research and educated myself with the science behind depression and i believe that over the past few year a mix of rapid lifestyle change and stress related event ha caused me to have depression the part that confuses me is that while my life is on the more stressful and busy side of thing i don t feel like it s a bad life to live i have wonderful friend family i have a great scholarship to a good school i do fun thing and go to party and drink i feel like an average person put in my shoe would be happy and excel if they had any drive or passion at all which i do not probably why i fuck everything up all the time it is common for me to have suicidal thought i really don t know why since in reality i wouldn t want to kill myself i may be a piece of shit but im not selfish nor do i like the pain of self harm i am self aware of these thought and i have attempted breathing and thought altering method to get rid of them but they pierce my heart and mind like a dagger it physically hurt they are not always about suicide but they are always very negative targeted at myself i just can t help staring out at the edge of that cliff wishing i had the nut to finally end it all sometimes i can t look at myself in the mirror because i know it ll lead me to thinking negatively about myself just at the sight of me and a sad a it is to say it i really just do not like myself i look in the mirror and want to smash it or rip my face off because of how ugly i am objectively and on paper i am not the worst looking guy im and im physically fit but holy shit i swear what i see in the mirror and what other people see when they look at me must be completely different there have been a few instance in recent month of people tell me im decent looking or im good looking or i have a nice body and i take the compliment and try and try to see it in myself but i just can t i literally can t i don t see it i don t know where you guy are looking but i truly don t see what you see okay it s not just about my appearance i find myself annoying and awkward i try to be a happy go lucky guy most of the time usually bringing conversation and a smile and sarcasm and even some humor sometimes but behind my smile is most commonly a frown im fucking annoying my thought scream at me at how what i just said is so stupid and i need to shut the fuck up why do i talk so much why would i ask that ect i talk too much sometimes i say thing i dont even mean or agree with just to say something i never know when to talk and when not to and it frustrates me a lot im volatile and irritable and ugh i fuck up most thing i do work school relationship you know how it go the classic poor me self pity i ruin everything type shpeal something about the way i wa made is just wrong i guess that s another one of those negative thought that repeat in my head a lot born wrong today i had the pleasure of envisioning myself fist fighting myself beating my own face in felt great honestly wish i could ve made it a reality i can t find happiness in any of the thing i used to enjoy ive gradually stopped all my hobby except for the gym which is where i take my anger out usually i have a lot of that i can t even sit through a movie without thinking what is the point of me doing this what is the point life feel numb pointless i go about my societal life just like everybody else i study work play sleep rarely but it all feel the same a gray bland mesh of nothing even something like eating delicious food i just don t get enjoyment anymore the best way i can explain how i feel is if im with people and someone make a joke that people laugh at of course i laugh but if nobody else laughed i would never know when to laugh honest opinion of myself i fucking suck im lazy and i lie all the time to keep up a persona of not being a sad downer hater fuck i constantly make poor decision and can t seem to learn from previous one im ugly the only thing im good at are mansplaining and making a fool of myself i say dumb shit and get shit on for it what kind of asshole ha the privilege and opportunity that i have and is still sad and lazy like this im the type of person that wa actually just wired wrong in the head and the fact that i try and try to be appreciative of my life and still can t disgust me to be honest i don t even know who i am a few month ago someone asked me what my hidden talent is i replied nothing i don t have one i really don t have a talent or something im good at and seeing people around me do amazing thing and then watching myself dig deeper and deeper into this rut really hurt i do not feel like this id say about 0 of the time i forget about all my stress and worry and appearance and fuck ups and im actually happy then when the happy go away i realize that whatever made me happy is so very temporary and it all come flooding back im just running around my mess of a life chasing those euphoric mindless high and happiness that seem to get weaker and shorter each time i find them the question i find myself asking often is why why am i doing this why do i feel this way why did i say that why did i do that why am i a certain way yadda yadda i am a realist i also truly believe there is no point to this life why do we all live such stressful unrewarding life putting all our effort in just to die and be forgotten forever i read comment on post like these saying that life is beautiful meet everyone you can experience nature get help it get better it can get better but the thing is no it can t everyone s situation is different i guess but where im at and what im doing nothing gon na change im not going anywhere even if i wa it wouldn t matter societal standing and fancy job position mean nothing human are not made equal everyone is different special in their own way therefore some people are biologically and factually better than others whether it s stronger larger smarter faster people are different and some trait are preferable i just happened to get stuck with the trait that make me fucking suck at life no amount of meditation or antidepressant fuck big pharm is going to change who i am people don t change painting a leopard red doesn t remove his spot it just hide them temporarily well it s and im going to the gym at and then lecture after that so i guess i should sleep a few hour so my motor function stay working so i can keep going on in this endless cycle of pointless effort thanks for hearing my ted talk wish me luck on my chemistry exam good night all lt,Depression +38084,i m only and already have so many physical and mental health issue ptsd ocd autism adhd depression anxiety visual snow obesity fibromyalgia gender dysphoria im trans chronic fatigue binge eating disorder it s all so much not only all this but recently i ve been dealing with more health problem my heart been racing even when i m just laying down and it make me feel like i can t get enough breath in like i m constantly breathing but not fully or something i also have been having horrible cramp like pain and after getting a ultrasound apparently i have a bunch of cyst on my ovary but this apparently isn t the cause of my pain and that terrifies me they think it might be the testosterone and i m scared i ll have to stop taking it and they re not even sure that s what s causing the pain i ve been trying to cope by hanging out with friend and my boyfriend online and other stuff like that but it can t distract me enough from the physical issue so i ve been using weed and alcohol but i know i can t keep using these to cope forever i know it s likely i ll become an alcoholic and part of me doesn t even care a long a it distracts me from the pain enough i m trying to apply for government assistance for disability but it s a lot of work and i feel like it s pointless and they ll just reject me again i ve been in therapy for year take med and go to doctor a lot im still this way no matter how much help i get i m so tired i m so tired of the constant issue i cant keep doing this how long do i have to keep going thru this it feel like it ll never get better idk how much longer i can keep going when i have to deal with all of this it s so much,Depression +38085,it s been five year and a couple day now since my first major attempt i m not too sure how i feel to be honest ha life improved well not really of course after that first attempt i tried a couple more time i think if we look at the net value i m relatively in the same spot a i wa five year ago vibing on the bridge thankfully i m not too upset about that i think sadness and my inability to get out of said sadness is something that i will have to live with i m getting better at fighting it that s for sure are some day tiring and fucking unbearable of course but now i m just content with existing sad day are hard some day are easy i think i m just shocked that i m still alive well i definitely know that younger me would be shocked i m still kicking around maybe he d be happy that i stayed for this long there really isn t any point to this post just a bit of selfish self congratulation and the ability to say i m still alive guy i hope everyone ha a good day it s raining where i am but it s really nice to look at,Depression +38086,i don t really know how reddit work but i just came here to get something off my chest i m a 0yo female who deal with major depression i ve always felt like i have no purpose in this world and that i am a complete waste of a human being i don t even know who i am anymore whenever people are like so tell me about yourself i break down because i honestly have nothing to say about myself i want to kill myself so bad but i don t have the tool to do it so i just live in pain and exhaustion i have no friend or family to talk about what i go through and that hurt medicine doe not help and therapist ive talked to were a joke i have done thing to make me feel better about myself but i always get knocked down but i can honestly say that the day i die i ll finally be happy and at peace,Depression +38087,im waking up and have some weird thought i think one of them is that i think im unattractiv because im not that heigh with cm i think im way to small and thats the reason im unattractiv to woman i also dont get enough attention from my parent i feel so hollow because i think i deserve to be ignored i think that im seeking to much attention and thats not healthy but i want my father punish me if i show my feeling and my problem with and what is with me he denied everything i need and thats left me with im a burden for him thats my fault that i exist in this world i love to be connected with other people but this feeling from the past come back and say to me u dont deserve this attention other people ha way le that attention like you so be happy what you have but im not happy thats weird and i cant right now figure out where i have to put this thought i wish i had more atttention from my parent i want to show them what i like and i wish they would be interessted in what i do i have this frustration inside me and i hold this to much back i want to say myself im good enough constantly to push myself to the limit is exhausting and to please other people this suck,Depression +38088,a year ago today i moved to a new city the city of opportunity growth and everything nice but i also learned this is the city of demise since i ve moved here itit s been hard to adapt to the culture the environment and pretty much anything else the store were different everyone talked differently people dressed differently and everyone had money so i thought i realized that my salary wa not enough to fund the normal lifestyle that i managed to survive off for year post undergrad in my home town and a new lifestyle i wa living paycheck to paycheck borrowing money getting loan and using credit to make end meet this made me depressed because it wa at the pandemic s peak and i spent 90 of my time inside with my thought i became more and more depressed and didn t know what to do i had suicidal thought but i tried to push through here s where thing take a turn i got a gig i earned more from my gig than my take home pay so my life wa sweet i wasn t depressed this lasted for six month then my health took a turn i couldn t keep up with life anymore i wa physically ill and had to let the gig go now i m here no gig and leaving the full time job so now i m in a new city no income following for a few week and ready to end it all i ve always thought money doesn t buy you happiness though they re right my journey prof that money can contribute to happiness doe money make you happy,Depression +38089,hell i can t pull myself out of this i d rather just cease existing i don t deserve happiness i don t deserve comfort i don t deserve to live the only thing i actually deserve is death,Depression +38090,i feel like i ll never get a girlfriend i m i also have a genetics disorder i feel like no woman will ever want me because of it i don t think you can tell i have it but i feel once i tell them that they won t want me i ve been feeling really depressed about it and i m scared to talk to woman so that doesn t help,Depression +38091,i feel like my whole life wa a joke i have problem with concentration due to depression and my mom start rumor that i am dumb cause i watch porn,Depression +38092,you know that feeling when the day and night drag on the tear stream down your cheek your vision start to tunnel the feeling of being lost with no where to go the movie staring yourself is playing and all you can do is sit back and watch a the world start to slip away from you slowly the first time i tried taking my life wa year old i wa physically and mentally abused from the moment i wa born and still mentally abused to this day this time it me abusing myself i got so used to being alone and not wanted so what s the point in trying anymore 0 0 wa a bad year for everyone but that is the time where i started losing a grip on my life for the last time my world started spirlling out of control what did i do i woke up at 0am walked into the kitchen grabbed a knife and drug of deep across my throat i walked into the bedroom where my wife wa sleeping she woke up to the sound of gargling only you find me trying to hold my throat shut she immediately called 9 and just looked at me in aw with a single tear falling down my cheek all she could do is watch a her husband is slowly dying right in front of her when i woke up day later in the hospital she wa no where to be found this is when my world came crashing down over me hearing those word whisper out of her mouth i want a divorce that wa the day i died inside i lost my soul mate my best friend my wife and the mother of my child i lost everything that day family friend my daughter my house my truck and my heart every day i fall asleep cry begging to take me back in time but in reality i know i can t so what is there left to do you ask die life for me ha ended i have nothing more left in me anymore i have been suffering from depression for a very long time i m exhausted i m tired i m alone i m lost all i want is to end this story of my life called misery i want to leave this world so i don t have to disappoint anyone ever again i am broken i can t do it anymore everyone say life is precious well to me life is a waste of time i have nothing more to give i have nothing more to learn i have nothing i am depressed i am hurt i am sitting in the theater watching a my screen start to fade to black this is it i tell myself i am no longer going to sit here and put a fake smile on my face for everyone else i am done helping out others with there problem why doesn t anyone ask me how i am doing probably because i would lie i am going to die i am ready i hope and pray the my daughter and my ex wife can forgive me i will always love them until the end of time with that being said i am signing off i have nothing left in the tank goodbye cruel cruel world until we meet again daddy will always be looking over you guiding you in a direction i never wa pushed towards i may not have any friend but i will be leaving a mark on legacy my job here is done good bye signing off,Depression +38093,i need help but every time i reach out for help it dose not work out i m tired of feeling sad and bad about my self no one care abt how i feel no one want to know how i feel i m ready for my name to be on back of my team mate helmet on saturday when we take the field even with that no one will pay attention all 0k plus s that s full up the stadium when we play this is my cry for help,Depression +38094,i am year old junior in college i have multiple problem that i need to address to start i have gotten carried away with smoking weed i have been using it almost everyday since i wa and i can no longer control it im always buying it when i can t always afford it i spend a good amount of my time at home smoking weed or using thc product i have also been drinking a lot more than i used to and i have even picked up a nicotine habit from my friend i am not doing a well in school a i should be and i really need to be more proactive and motivated but i feel no motivation some day to even do anything school related i havent been eating well a lot of day been eating a lot of fast food and skipping meal some day there are night where i barely get enough sleep because i end up staying up most of the night being on my phone watching tv or playing video game i have set goal for myself that i want to workout more build myself up and eat better but i never stick to them i feel very anxious and depressed a lot of the time with the only relief i have felt come from hanging out and talking with friend i have some really great friend that i am very close with and a wonderful family that would do anything for me but i can t help but feel alone i feel a great need for companionship and i have been trying to get into a relationship for a long time going from one person to the next but nothing ever becoming of it and we become stranger again it ha taken away a lot of my energy and exhausted my motivation and drive me further into my loneliness and add to my anxiety i have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past several month talking and going out with multiple girl not at the same time and it ending the same i just feel a void in my life some day and lately i have been spending a lot of time around friend to try and fill that void more than i usually do which could also contribute to me spending le time on school and a lot of other important thing i have barely been home in the past week because i wa with friend i feel completely empty and hopeless somedays and feel like my life is over i see others living their best life exciting thing happening having opportunity connection with others is just natural to them and just having a great time with life and then there s me who wish i could be that way but i know i am different than them and no one will ever see me like that i will always be by myself wherever i go and i used to be such a happy child excited for life not afraid to dream big and wonder about the future and just live in the moment but thing happened that turned me into what i am today i feel like a shell of who i could have been and that my younger self would be dissapointed in me i wish i could go back to when i wa about and not taken it for granted and go through life again with what i know now some day i really do not like the person i am turning into i do not thing that i am doing what s best for myself mentally physically and emotionally i feel like i m on a treadmill walking through life but not actually getting anywhere while watching everyone else pas me by i really need to break out of this mindset and change my life around if i am going to survive in this world and live the good and happy life that i always wanted and not a wasted life,Depression +38095,doe depression destroy your brain cell like literally i feel like i can t connect with anyone and i think in certain situation,Depression +38096,i never really experience sadness when depressed it other thought,Depression +38097,been a long course she got sick over a decade ago and wa showing sign before 0 when i wa little idk why but i thought it wa my sole responsibility to protect her from harm my folk didn t get on well but there wasn t any violence between them but we the sole make son i had seen controlled violence against me trust me it wa hershey s kiss compared to what my old man got but i suppose it set that fear well now after a damn near decade of helplessness not being able to accomplish the purpose i gave myself i m not sure what to do with myself i ve been a bad son i ve been a bad brother i ve been a damn good uncle and that where i try to make up but every aspect of my being is tied up in his maladaptive relationship not the abject relationship with my mother but the consequence of her getting sick and the turmoil it caused the family never the le to myself a i watched the only person i trusted fade away idk i don t know if i could have done more i wa 9 when she got diagnosed and i just pushed it away externally but internally i bought a camera talked with her into the deep of the night but i couldn t help it wa what it wa i couldn t make right and when it all went to hell i went to hell and couldn t handle it tried to od twice after i knew the thing wa up and she wa no longer there there were glimmer but they were prob more in my mind than in truth well that sucked it wa awful i d imagine what we should know about this illness is it literally contorts the mind to it s own end deep depression take away your soul and breath it s true hell but thank god i wa lucky icu wasn t bad cause i don t remember trying to gain my muscle mass back after my kidney went all to shit sucked straight up took another year of therapy and just reintegrating with life to resemble stable and after that i had the pure delight of the best year since i wa a kid depression never go away but when life shine it shine it so damn hard to see that a a possibility when you are in the void but i swear to what ever god it doe exist it s a hard road but no harder of a road than you have seen before when you are in the void it is living a a shadow inside of a shadow it s being a observer and not a participant and seeing life for it brutal nature without being able to taste it fruit is utterly awful but for those who can t smell the fruit it s there i swear on my life my utterly maladjusted fucked up terribly prob gon na die of some impact of my attempted od s dipshit life that fruit is worth it i m at the end of an era and i m frankly worried i m gon na relapse i in fact know i will and i m going to want to die again after the sum of all my fear a a child being realized i can t imagine any different but i know know better i m setting up appointment with folk once i bury my mom i pretty sure in some sense i will die but i know it s worth the fight to not truly die it would be a waste my small dumbass experience a a kid when my folk were healthy basically said this kid need therapy,Depression +38098,hey guy something that ha really helped me in my mental health journey is to find friend to connect with if anyone want to talk so that we can check in with each other and just have an online buddy let me know it s really great to talk to someone we re in this together,Depression +38099,no clue where to put this so it s going here a while back i wa asked what caused you to start drinking so heavily my default respond to that ha always been it s just how i am which for the most part is correct deep down i think i always knew the real answer now i am finally realizing it s truth it s love a little more context i have been sober for over year now and to be honest recently it ha really been tested and i ve come closer than i ever have to relapsing it is worth mentioning i m not the type of person to actively seek a romantic relationship i have had a few very brief fling over the year but nothing i would consider serious and for the most part i have been okay with it but now i have actually caught real feeling for someone and i am falling hard so hard it s really scaring me it s causing me to want to hide from the feeling a i used too by drinking after year of counseling i wa given better tool to help process certain feeling that could lead to me drinking which i do believe they have helped me recently because i actually did something i didn t think i wa capable of i told her how i felt too my surprise she actually didn t tell me no but she didn t exactly say yes either which is why i am feeling the way i am now i believe now i feel like i m on a rollercoaster of high and low i see her and talk to her daily a we do work together however some day she seems so distant and shut off others it seems to me she s overly flirty we have gone out once it didn t really go a planned but it wa still nice now to the stuff that is really eating at me she had just gotten out of a relationship a while back i know it didn t end well and when i told her how i felt she said she still wa trying to get over her ex and she wa confused which is understandable and i want to give her time and space but at the same time i don t want to miss my chance especially because i have not felt this way about anyone for over 0 year to make thing worse her ex is also a coworker in our department and i have seen them leaving together after work multiple time a week which to be fair is really her business but if she really would rather be with him why don t she tell me that s what s killing me i feel like she is using me a a fallback or a second choice i really hope it s not the case i do not think i could handle it i just wish i knew for sure how she felt i can handle being rejected it the limbo i feel like i m in i can t handle and honestly i don t know what to do about it i m so scared i m going to slip one day and have a drink if that happens i know i won t recover from it and i ll loose everything i worked so hard to achieve there s more detail if anyone ha any question if anyone can tell me what i should do please feel free anything is better than how i feel now,Depression +38100,i have been on prozac wellbutrin for a few month and other depression medication for over a year now i wa told from the beginning i need to go to therapy but wa just too exhausted to pick up the phone and try to find one i ve slowly started getting my energy and motivation back and gave my first session scheduled this month i want to hear other people s experience did you start with medication or therapy first i have heard people say start with therapy but in my case i would have never even made an appointment without the medicine to pull me out of my depression i m hoping therapy help me with coping mechanism and help me get back on track after being depressed for so many year,Depression +38101,my depression is taking a turn for the worst the thought about offing myself are starting to become more frequent again there s barely anything going on in my life yet my anxiety feel so overwhelming that one would think i live a busy life i feel so hollow all the time and i don t like it it s starting to get to the point where i can t even do anything because my depressive thought just intrude on every part of my day that it s preventing me to actually be productive i have essay to write for my uni class but all i do is stare at my laptop because i can t even cry i attend my lecture and join class discussion because everyone say that engaging in those thing will increase the likelihood i ll pas but i barely remember what s going on at all or what i m saying how do i function to live at least until the semester is over,Depression +38102,im a year old college student who is supposed to graduate this may the only problem being i havent been able to get out if bed to go to class in a month i have lost nearly all of my motivation and feel trapped by my mind the only time i leave my house is to go to work because i need the money or go to the gym because it is one of the only thing that make me feel alive happy anymore ive reached out to professor and advisor telling them i just need help but they have been essentially useless instead of being pointed towards cap ive just been told to give up and widthdraw from my class and it taking an even larger toll on me i just need a break from everything and everyone,Depression +38103,so this is going to sound stupid so im sorry if it is but im honestly not sure if im actually depressed ive had thought about commiting for about three year but it not thought like oh i need to die it more like im not going to accomplish anything in life so why bother going through any more pain little bit of background one of my friend killed himself freshman year and now im going to be graduating with out him most people at my school view me a that one immature kid due to the fact that thats just my sense of humor ive been bullied for the way i act and my height since th grade im taller now but it still hurt and my mother left me at year old on my father doorstep and she show up every once in a while looking worse and worse every time telling me how she miss me and my brother and sister are missing me i later on learned that she left because the cop were coming for her and she ran all the way to florida to get away were in maine also my stepmother ha issue do to her father being messed up and she tends to take out her anger on those arounder so she wont snap at work there a fight roughly once a week and about a week ago durring one of those fight my father yelled at her saying that it my mother fault im like this because she would take pill when she wa pregnant with me and also smoke amp x 00b sorry if this turned into something else and got of topic i just need some advise is all if thats okay,Depression +38104,i hate what happened i thought i could be happy even just for a moment it make everything else so much worse and it couldn t have happened at a worse time,Depression +38105,i am feeling worried for myself it almost a m and i can t sleep im not sure if it just because i can t sleep or if it my inner fight between staying alive or ending it these thought never go away it suck when people don t understand my sudden mood change or decision but i understand why they don t im just saying what i am feeling or thinking my heart always feel so heavy a if i put weight on it i feel like cry all the time everything in life is so boring or doesn t feel right i often get confused on what is real and what isn t real i don t have a therapist anymore because money is tight so im using this reddit post a a venting place because no one know me here and it s nice,Depression +38106,i give up i won t ever get better my life will be the same for the rest of my life my youth is already wasted i m rotten inside the pill on my desk are a constant reminder but also a comforting way out anytime i would want to the light from my window is a reminder of how the world will go on and forget about me i like that thought i used to feel ashamed for always feeling ignored and not seen but now it s all i want please hate me it will be so much easier please forget about me please don t think about me you deserve better fuck you screw you don t make a face like that you ll get wrinkle you re crazy you re stupid you don t know anything why are you like this why are you laying on your bed all day why did you ignore all the sign mom i m hurt and i want to die why did you forget about the time i told you i tried to kill myself why did you say ew at the time why did you tell me to never do it again why did you tell me we re just gon na have to make it on our own i wanted help i m hurt i m angry and frustrated it s too late for me to get better i want to disappear,Depression +38107,so i m nearly and since about age i ve struggled 90 of the time with everything feel lost with my life and job don t have the drive to want or even put in effort into finding a girlfriend in a job i don t really want a future in but have no interest or enthusiasm about anything i am just plodding along and it s so so shit have friend that are starting to establish themselves and live quite happily and progress in themselves so all i do is compare and procrastinate don t like spending money have about 0k saved up and a car worth about k which in the grand scheme of thing is nothing so i just see myself living this shit average little life with no actual purpose and that i m running out of time but don t seem to do anything about it the laziness is mental laziness not physical fail to see any improvement or have any positive outlook because all i think about 00 of the time is what s wrong in my life my whole perception of everything is bad and all in my head can t shift it because it feel so natural now brain fog for about year shit memory no focus can t think straight or rationally don t know if i m too hard on myself or expect too much or if i know i can be doing better i just don t even know is how i d sum up my feeling,Depression +38108,so i recently wa put up for a promotion at work to a position that would allow me to work le hour le day and make more money while also furthering my future i have never been happier until recently i m in the final stage of the process to get hired but i m still currently in my previous position we have a rule at work you can be late once per 0 day if you go over that you get written up and put on a disciplinary level which wouldnt be so terrible if one of the stipulation of being put on a disciplinary level is being unable to transfer position for a year so on sunday morning i wake up and start making breakfast what i do every morning on my day off i ve been off every other weekend for the past year so i go into autopilot and sit at the table look at the clock and think i d be at work right now so am roll past and while i m wating i see my phone buzz so i pick it up and look at the screen and see the word that make my heart climb into my throat every time bos where are you you were scheduled for i scramble upstairs so fast i knocked over the table and chair and took some picture frame off the wall of the stair but i get to work and think it s fine it okay i just cant be late for 0 day easy enough day later it s an unbelievably slow day so we all order sushi and i drew the short straw to pick it up take me minute to get there pick up the food and start heading back so i m at a stop light about minute from my job when i see a car blast through the light and tbone a truck causing a huge accident and blocking my path back to my job i feel my heart sink and my ear ring the closest way back is an extra 0 minute at least this asshole running a red light may cost me my job i m not proud of it but i sped the entire way there to get back to the hospital i sprint out of my car leaving the food i get inside and dive to the time clock and swipe my card time punched 0 late at this point i just stand there for a second unsure of what to do do i tell my bos do i try to fix it do i lie i finally decide to text my bos and explain the whole scenario in detail expecting to get back a next step a scolding reassurance or anything instead i get back one word ok ok what doe that even mean i want to press it further but i m so scared of fucking up even more i ve taken on extra responsibility this week and picked up hour of overtime over the next week a a subtle way of saying please dear god dont put me on a level i need this promotion this all happened day ago and i m living in panic every one of these day since that i m going to get the hey can you meet me in my office now call thatll signal the end of my dream to progress i m not sure what to do at this point but i just had to get this out tl dr asshole running a stop sign and causing an accident could cost me my dream job,Depression +38109,currently facing lot of family problem my mental health is really suffering i dont know what to do i am in high school i dont think i am able to study more because of my family s financial problem also i dont have any true friend so i did not share my feeling and situation to anyone please help anyone,Depression +38110,recently i just keeping feeling the void in my body and mind it s burning myself slowly i no longer have desire to anything or anyone like life itself ha lost it meaning to me i m angry a well been trying really hard to hide my emotion so i can continue my daily life a a person i m not cry for help but my situation is worse than i described i m thinking of ending thing hope that can make ppl happy thanks for reading my petty litter word have a good day folk,Depression +38111,hi there i ve spent the past couple of month dealing w anxiety depression and depersonalization and trying changing medication i am on a part time work plan where i work remotely in the afternoon even though i go to bed at a very decent hour i find it so difficult to get up in the morning i will make plan to get up before 9 and get thing accomplished make an appointment etc and despite all this i just turn my alarm off and sleep until noon when i have to log on for work i just dont want to be awake i need to get back to work soon and will be getting up at my old time of 0 am every day but i have no idea how ill do it thing like that used to be so normal before but now i barely want to be awake or leave the house doe anyone else struggle with this are there any tip you recommend to try to get your day started without dread,Depression +38112,hi all i ve recently gotten out of a pretty long depressive episode i ve cleaned my room and done my laundry my biggest issue is now the dish i ve acquired quite a few dish in my room and today a few of my roommate noticed that some thing have been gone a while how do i put them back without them really noticing that it s back all at once and saving me from their anger and even more embarrassment,Depression +38113,i dont know what to do,Depression +38114,i m slipping into a deep deep depression divorce failed business losing my home many regret etc etc i need a direction in my life i can focus and work hard on but i don t even know where to begin i need someone to help me a there s no way i can do it myself i have adhd so my mind go in a million direction all the time is a good life coach what i need,Depression +38115,i try and try but i just can t do it,Depression +38116,i am in my office s toilet for about an hour now and i can not stop cry i wa having a good day for a change after a really long time in a while but one bad moment wa enough to push me into this mess i have been trying to make myself stop from cry because i need to go back to my desk but these stupid tear won t stop and my eye look bloodshot right now and i forgot my eye drop in my purse life suck,Depression +38117,i have this tendency to abandon pretty much everything when something or someone becomes somewhat of a challenge i just leave them i have ghosted girlfriend i have completely disregarded good friend just because they invited me to do something i did t want to do i have abandoned friend who had lent me a hand i have abandoned work just because i didn t feel capable i make stupidi excuse and then run away yesterday i stood up from my new job and left made a bogus excuse v a text and quit via email the job had a lot of potential but it wa too stressful for me i have just noticed this is a pattern in how i cope with thing every time i feel trapped i just want to bust out i have a deep rooted belief that i need to be in control of my time and my space and when something or someone interferes with that i should be entitled to claim my supposed freedom i don t know how to deal with this i just noticed this pattern and i can see how it affect my life p english is not my first language typing on phone,Depression +38118,i m on mobile so please excuse me i m also a first time poster on here female i quit a job i had for year last year in may of 0 i wa really good at that job one of the top people even if it wa just a warehouse job i wa a trainer i knew how to do everything and a lot wa expected of me everyday my bos wa incredibly verbally abusive to everyone i didn t realize it for a few year but my last two year being there she wa talking bad about everybody behind their back and just being a horrible human i finally quit one day when i got a different job with an old coworker i wa working that job for about month before i started to struggle going at first it wa because i felt inadequate and tired all the time i have a problem with being new at thing it progressed to a new coworker there wa starting to push my boundary a little bit older man telling me what to do and making me feel dumb which i know is my own issue i realize this whole post is my own issue but anyway i ended up leaving that job because every time i wa there i wa going to the bathroom to cry at least once and i couldn t make myself do it anymore and between that place and the job i m at now i had three other job one wa amazon delivery the other wa a daycare and the one before that wa just instacart i couldn t make enough money on instacart to even be a part time job it wa also putting stress on my car but i loved being able to work for myself basically and create my own hour i hated how the kid at daycare were treated and it disgusted me to the point i couldn t work there anymore and amazon hour were terrible and i wasn t getting home until 9 00 p m which doe not work for my year old son i finally got this job in january of this year and so far it ha been pretty good but i ve noticed that i m struggling to go a full 0 hour pay period in the past month i ve missed seven day which is a lot i suppose i just wake up in the morning and struggle to go and a voice in my head tell me that i don t need to and everything will be okay even if i decide not to go a long a the excuse i have is good enough and then i get so anxious about going back that i decide to stay home the next day and the day after that i m currently on my third day of being at home and even though i have a good excuse i m sure they don t believe me a little bit i don t know what s wrong with me i ve always been a hard worker and up until my breaking point last year i didn t know what this wa i still don t know what it is that i m feeling i m not feeling entitlement or anything like that i just feel empty and numb and what s the point of going i have to have a verbal argument with myself let me say that again with myself i literally have to talk out loud to myself and argue that i have a house payment i have bill i have a kid who also ha bill what is wrong with me my family on both side ha history of depression and i have unprofessionally diagnosed adhd my mom ha anxiety disorder last year when i quit my job i left because of the work environment and how bad it wa and now my new job it s more laid back but it s the same kind of job nd i m constantly worried i m being talked about and that i m not good enough to be there my anxiety from the other job is transferring here for no reason everyone is incredibly nice i m also struggling internally because i really want to go to college and get a better kind of job but i don t know what i want to do yet i m feeling overwhelmed by it because i m a single mom and i don t know how i m going to be able to go to school and work at the same time so i guess for the past couple month i ve also felt pretty trapped feeling like i ll never work for myself and i ll never get a good job because i can t figure my life out but ha anyone experienced this kind of feeling at my age i don t know if it s burnout or if it s related to my cptsd that i have from a physically abusive relationship from year ago i ve tried looking it up on google i ve tried listening to meditational motivation stuff and anyone give me help in the form of advice i don t want to be like this forever i know it s understandable to not want to work but i should be at work literally right now and instead i m in bed speak texting this because i know something s wrong with me i can t afford to do anything therapy right now so just any insight or story from when you were my age and you broke a little bit i m just scared and tired and i want to kick myself in the as but i don t know how and i don t have the energy too i really don t need to hear anything negative about me because i can tell you i m already thinking it i just feel like a waste of space who can t get her s together that my son deserves a better parent than me,Depression +38119,this suck because im so appreciative about what i have esspecially after what ive gone through i feel so stupid complaining about anything now honestly because at the back of my mind im like i made it in a way but im more alone then ever and i dont know what to do honestly,Depression +38120,nowadays i find that thing simply don t make me very happy like video game reading watching tv i have felt pretty neutral over the past couple of month but god i feel so stupid saying that the only thing that make my day feel like it ha meaning is my shit supermarket job where i rearrange product and basically ruin the day of whoever work in that aisle i just like being told to do something and getting away from my not so nice home life i m exhausted during every shift and have passed out twice at work before but it the only thing that make my life feel like it ha any point i feel like i want to take more hour so i can avoid this constant boredom but my job also make me feel so anxious and exhausted i don t know what to do it sound so pathetic and stupid,Depression +38121,i ve so many health issue and i m only starting with atopic and seborrhoeic dermatitis and psoriasis through endometriosis and hypothyroidism to ibs fucked up hip and pelvic floor and that s not even all and obviously only phisical thing that are wrong and i really try to take care of all of this problem but it s exhausting and for what to live in a world where everything is getting more and more fucked up every minute the pandemic the war the famine that s probably gon na come soon a a result of the war i m polish so very much can feel the effect of what s happening in ukraine i m also vegan and knowing that so many animal are still suffering and the price of everything are going up i don t even think i can afford to live anymore and i m really trying going on a walk in the forest everyday doing yoga eating healthy just generally taking care of myself like a normal person would but i just can t see the light at the end of the tunnel rant over,Depression +38122,i m not the same person and i didn t like the person i wa before that so it s not even considered a loss but now i just stopped caring i genuinely stopped caring and it make me want to hate myself but the thing is im too exhausted to even hate myself i just feel like nothing just an empty space where a human used to be i ve stopped caring and it scare me i know the final step is when you stop caring and im at this step i don t care to pursue my passion or talent because whats the point why live a live when i will be forgotten why wa i even made like why even bother trying what even is the point in living if i can t be bothered to try,Depression +38123,kk i know it sound weird and i can t quite explain it myself so i wa hanging out with a few friend yes i m surprised i have friend too and anyway they invited one of their friend who i didn t know so i started hanging out with this friend of theirs and i wa genuinely happy while hanging out with her i can t really describe it a anything other than i liked her i would ve tried something but i started thinking about how much of a shitty useless person i am even if i tried anything there s no chance that she d even want anything to do with me fuck i just needed to get that bullshit off my chest sorry for wasting your time people,Depression +38124,it never actually get better it seems like it is but it s not it s just a lull until it come back again even stronger i m done i m obviously not worth keeping around and deserve to be buried and forgotten who tf am i to want anything fucking idiot,Depression +38125,i genuinely wish i could say fuck this i m out there s so many responsibility and yet so little life in me to carry all those thing i just hurt someone i love accidentally of course because i wa trying to hurt my self and that s so fucking depressing and embarrassing for god sake i m almost and still acting like a bratty teenager my body hurt my heart hurt can someone please just kill me already,Depression +38126,a little about me first i have always been the type of person to see thing only black and white i live my life through fact and being direct im very detailed and observant i observe people behavior and see who they really are are they genuine fake im also the type of person who analyzes everything could be over thinking i analyze every conversation every behavior every tone and i start to over think doe this person hate me did i say the wrong thing i dont think i can change the way i am by not caring because i had a lot of pressure of being perfect or good enough growing up i define myself a a perfectionist and a people pleaser i hate who i am and i push so many people away in my life because i dont feel like anyone actually care about me i feel alone and im sad i started a program at school that is very competitive to get in i wa hoping to make friend there since we all worked so hard to get in it been about a year and i dont see any of them outside of school no one text me outside of school and during school no one talk about anything other than school it like no one actually care what i did over the weekend or how my life is i would put myself out there and be interested in others life and even invite them to do stuff but i always get turned down every time i get turned down it just another step deeper into depression i just hate the person i am and i feel like i dont belong in anyones life,Depression +38127,before i start talking i want to apologise for my english skill since it s not my mother tongue i just need to vent somewhere but i am also asking for help but most importantly i need someone to listen to me right now i have no idea on what to do i am a year old student who go to an art school staying in a boarding school under the week i have good parent and i love them and they love me but have little understanding that depression is actually an illness due to my depression i am very limited in talking about my feeling since it exhausting and i do not know how to express myself so when i m usually confronted my them i say i dont know an they ve grown tired of it i have been feeling more depressed but also suicidal starting to plan my suicide i wanted to take my life in late april probably by hanging myself i dont exaclty want to die but i just couldnt see any way of me feeling better but i want to feel better i dont want to take my own life i have a lot ahead of me a dear friend of mine and i talked to one of the worker in my boarding school and i told them everything since i wa afraid of taking my own life but i didnt talk to my parent since on my side it very difficult to explain this my mum is one of the few people that got damaged by the covid vaccine the doctor didnt take her serious and she suffered so much the past few month breaking down and falling down the stair one time my dad is a very busy man and i feel like he is just i dont know how to explain but emotionally not there often i know this is just my point of view and doe not reflect reality but i basically feel like this towards my parent the worker in my boarding school made up option stay in boarding school and looking for a therapist tomorrow calling my parent to take me home and to go to the mental hospital immediately i just didnt know what to do so the worker had to call my parent they chose to take me home even tho the worker said that my father sounded on the phone like he wa understanding the reality looked different my parent where of course overwhelmed and angry i tried my best explaining everything for example my mother said i didnt even try to get a new therapist but i did my best when we got home it got worse my father asked stuff like how i wanted to take my own life i didnt want to tell him later my mum came downstairs and we all talked well not really they were overwhelmed and seemed angry tho they said they werent my parent screamed at me saying i didnt try to reach out to them questioning why i didnt talk to them but they said that they cant tell me reality or else i d start panicking an cry they told me that i cant accept the truth and i m panicking because of this that i m acting up cause i wa cry like a madman i felt like my world wa shattering they screamed at me that i wasnt trying my best and that i didnt even try i tried to explain to them that i wa scared to tell them and stuff i tried my best but i dont think they really understood they want me to go a mental hospital but i know this would make thing worse for me i neez my friend in boarding school but i know that this cant keep going on i know that school itself make me feel bad but i have all my friend there that help me so much but they said that it s too late for me and i should have made the decision earlier i m just totally i dont know i cant stop cry i wa speechless to how they screamed at me breaking down in front of them and i dont know what to do or how i should handle the situation we wanted to go to my old therapist who isnt really good but we cant reach him i don t know what to do i am home right now but i wan na go back to my friend i really need them right now but if course i cant my mum is still saying how she cant keep up with me and shes overwhelmed with me can someone help me please or at least can i have some comforting word im very sorry to anyone who ha to read this but thank you for listening have a good day or night,Depression +38128,first off i have very little experience in dealing with anyone with depression i freely admit that over the past couple of month i have been chatting with and hanging out with this amazing woman i met on a dating app she ha severe anxiety ppd postnatal depression suicidal thought etc we d hit thing off pretty well just from chatting over the app from what i thought there were a couple of time where she d wanted to end her life so she tell me but she managed to get past that the first time i met her in person wa amazing i had never ever felt so at ease taking with a woman before it went really well at that point i knew this chick wa worth the time we just clicked that well instantly since then we ve done a couple of day trip place and that went very well also one of those time wa with her young child le then yo she doesn t have a lot of time for herself and find it hard to get a decent night sleep partly to do with the young one waking in the middle of the night lately she s had a couple of very low moment her home life isn t the best still living at home because finically she can not afford to leave she get abuse from her mother constantly and also seems to live in fear especially when her child is being loud it could wake her mother a of last week she admitted that she really liked me i have been clear all along that i really like her just so she s not thinking that she s in limbo i live over an hour away from her but i do travel up to her home town for work at least twice a week sometimes le sometimes more there s some weird thing where she doesn t want her mum knowing about me so consequently i cant see her that much unless mum is not home which really suck i find it hard to deal with when it feel like she s giving me the cold shoulder i know it s the depression that s doing it not her true feeling one of her red flag about dating me is that i don t know understand her mental health however the way i see it is if you don t tell me then i can t understand but apparently that wa not the way to approach that one i d love for nothing more then to give her a big hug that in the hope that it might make her feel a little better about thing but unfortunately i don t get the opportunity she know that i will come up any time i don t mind driving at all so i don t let that be a barrier plus i can afford to do so i m scared to loose her because i really want her and i to work at time i want to just say stuff it and walk away but i know that s not what i want amp x 00b if anyone ha experienced the same thing or something similar your advice is much appreciated,Depression +38129,i think the pandemic hit me hard i moved out of my childhood home of 0 year week before the pandemic hit i had worked job and saved for year for a deposit on a place of my own which in the very expensive city i live in wa 0kms away from my family it felt like such an amazing achievement at the time but ever since then mentally i ve never been the same i am so lonely yet i enjoy living alone i am a highly anxious person i always wa but now i just worry all the time i move about life with a permanent storm cloud over my head i struggle to regulate my emotion i am getting more and more overweight and can not seem to stop eating bad food i quit my job in 0 and got a new one but i have never quite been happy or settled there i have tried mindfulness regular exercise breathing technique everything you can think of i went to the doctor for help with regulating my low mood and she put me on the pill which ha made thing even worse i am feeling thing lower than ever before i had a really bad day at work today and for the first time ever i thought not in any way seriously or actionable but the thought popped into my mind how suicide would be an option to not have to deal with thing everyone around me seems to be so busy with husband wife kid activity etc i seem to be getting left behind how do i cope with this how do i get back to being happy and determined and not so down and low,Depression +38130,this is a really long rant but i just needed to get it out i feel like i m starting to become a better version of myself one that people like respect and want to be around and i just can t stop beating myself up for not being this version in college when i wa nearly suicidal and i lost some friend who kept abandoning me and affirming the horrible thought i wa already having last year one of my roommate lowkey bullied me and i started to believe i wa a terrible person and wa overthinking everything i ever said wrong especially when a couple other friend abandoned me at the same time over something they were upset i said which i think could have been resolved with communication but they didn t try but i talked to my other former roommate recently and she said that i wa fine that i didn t deserve any of it and she didn t know what i wa going through at the time a she said don t just turn the page close the fucking book and i started to feel like i wa getting closure about stuff so i thought i would text one of the other people who sort of broke up with me it s been a year i just apologized for how shit went down in the friend group without blaming her or anyone else and really poured my heart out about how dark my mental health wa at the time and i said she could apologize to the other girl who i believe blocked me if she wanted i know it wa a little selfish to unload like that but i made sure to say that i didn t expect anything of her and she didn t need to respond and she didn t reply but she did like my instagram post today i know they don t owe me anything and i swear i m not mad but i think part of me wa still holding on hope to some form of closure part of me hoped that they still cared that maybe they would care a little if they knew how dark it wa for me at the time i know that s selfish but damn the last few time we hung out were just me doing her favor and giving her ride before she broke up with me a a friend so to speak but no one cared a soon a i wasn t a fun friend they bounced at the first sign of conflict mental illness and again i m not mad i m not gon na harass anyone with text expectation but it really fucking suck to feel like i ve been going through this horrific and terrifying period just to discover that no one cared it wouldn t have mattered if they knew they just couldn t be bothered,Depression +38131,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +38132,i ve lost year of my life to the pandemic i became a slob i forgot how to care for basic hygiene and everything i own is tight and uncomfortable i have no job or any motivation to find one i waste away everyday but during all of the last two year i had supportive friend and i think i finally overdid it yesterday a friend of mine who i m closest to called me lazy she know about my depression my bad reaction to medication which made me stop taking them and how i m treated a a sub human at home and yet she called me lazy this is the first time i ve been called lazy and i m so heart broken my irl support system ha crumbled and now i have no one i can talk to about anything i hate how being burnt out is seen a laziness i m so tired,Depression +38133,title say it all really bit of context i ve been depressed for the better part of year it started late into high school i ve been referred to multiple mental health service none of which have helped i wa first referred to cahms when i wa i stopped going to these session due to me not being able to open up i wa then referred to samh about a year later this wa also no help finally i wa referred to the community mental health team lanarkshire these session were in person where i spoke to a qualified mental health nurse i honestly have no fucking clue how this guy got his job he wa totally unprofessional had this patronising attitude the entire time wa rude and condescending at point and even laughed at me when i said i felt mediocre the one silver lining here wa that he had the ability to refer me onto a psychotherapist which he said that i wa on a month waiting list for i didn t continue going to these session however i assumed i d still be on the waiting list i remember my final session with him i told him i wa suicidal again cut to about month later i phone them back up to check the progress on the waiting list and when i d be seeing a psychotherapist i wa told by a receptionist that i m not on any waiting list this wa very distressing to me because it felt like i had been waiting all this time for nothing it turn out that they discharged me because i didn t continue going to the session i m at my wit end here i keep trying to get help but the nh is just straight up incompetent i wrote a letter to my gp explaining the situation and i got a phone call basically telling me there s nothing they can do and that i have to phone the community mental health team to see if i can get back on the waiting list i m so annoyed all this time spent waiting to finally get some proper help and this happens i don t know what to do please if there s anyone out there who s been through a similar experience tell me what to do,Depression +38134,this thread it s i don t know what i d do without it i m rarely ever on reddit and when i am i m on it for this i m on it because i m so overwhelmed by by everything and i m too scared or ashamed or or just so fucking tired to go to family friend my fucking partner to walk them through what i m feeling and how how it s not how it s not how it is how it is there s no reason it just happens it just happens it just happens and here r depression here here i feel safe and whenever i have a breakdown i come here to rant to feel to collect my thought even if no one read even if people do it s here i go to rant anonymously often drunk on alcohol sometimes but often drunk on emotion here is where i feel safe where i can be not who i am irl but an anonymous eddingsaurus rex amp x 00b it s okay had a bad day hand are bruised from breaking rock all day amp x 00b fuck depression fuck this fuck this feeling i hate myself i hate this i hate this so much i can t and it s working hour for fuck sake it s working hour i m supposed to be prodcitive ficmk this kyuck this shit,Depression +38135,been on mirtazapine for week made my depression way worse and didn t do anything for anxiety it s mostly for anxiety i havent really went into detail about depression but it s supposed to be effective for both right im gon na have to start smoking weed again will that have an effect,Depression +38136,it s so strange waking up everyday with this sense that you want thing to go back to the way they were like your brain ha it own lil trumpster lying to you telling you your childhood wa better before or you were happy before you started this job etc the truth is it s always sucked though lol there are brief moment now where you feel like thing are okay but it s more of a lack of feeling i ve always thought i wa broken because this ha been my constant state since i wa so small i thought i d grow out of it or i wouldn t but life only continues to throw curveballs to others i seem high functioning though kind of emotional but i can t get myself to focus on anything i can t wake up on time for work i work in insurance sale so i hate what i do i have to pretend to care about people and their problem but it just hurt so bad all of the time i know my boyfriend doesn t understand he s in medical school and ha his own struggle but i know he feel love he tell me he doe i don t and even if i do see briefly in his eye that he doe care for me i quickly forget depression ha made me into a terrible person i should be so lucky to have someone who love me so much to have my look my wit and the opportunity i ve been afforded but i can t help but feel so completely destitute he ha helped me find some confidence in myself with pursing going back to school but i m just so tired of it the sale call the application car issue bill health stuff and every other fucking thing when will i be able to do the thing i need to do like eat meal a day have the energy to learn new thing exercise also ha anyone had any luck with any online therapy medication consultation,Depression +38137,i m a yr old female and i wa diagnosed with bipolar when i wa almost been a month but i ve noticed that my anger ha totally converted into full rage when i wa just depressed a month before it s been year since my dad death but it isn t a normal death he wa murdered in cold blood because he wa running for politics i have been trying to seek help from therapist but it isn t enough for me to let go and move on my older brother and boyfriend have been trying to convince me to move on but it s not easy i don t think i can i ve been feeling very vengeful more than before about this situation but every time i let out my anger i go full rage and when that episode is over i can t help but feel hopeless and fucking worthless i cry my heart out but then i m filled with anger and rage again even conversation with my boyfriend would make me snap but instead of taking it out on him i simply tell him i need to call him back then i self destruct sometimes i feel like he doesn t really care since he sends me one worded text but it s whatever it isn t his problem don t know if i m alone in this one or if anyone feel the same a me,Depression +38138,i come from a pretty african evangelical household where mental health wasn t talked about or addressed growing up in the last few year i ve noticed intense wave of sadness and internal pain turn from short stint of time to practically everyday now there will be time period of elation but for the most part my disposition ha remained sad on an almost daily basis i feel anger irritability deep sadness about the way thing haven t worked out for me in the past or currently or intense rejection from others who may not intend their action to be rejection for example the housemate i live with are a married couple who i wa in their wedding so we re all friend when i first moved in they would always have dinner with me asking me what i wanted to eat for dinner but that ha tapered off and tonight i walked in from work late and saw they had dinner together and were enjoying tv it broke me and i went to my room feeling intense inner pain this stuff is so new to me i have no clue how to continue through life because nobody know i struggle with this i don t even know where to begin to share with others or begin to understand what help i need any advice would be much appreciated,Depression +38139,i don t think i m being irrational i know that nobody will ever want to be with me romantically im getting more depressed by the day and i already notice my few friend distancing themselves i can t blame them i m sure i m not fun to be around there s very few people with whom i feel like i can share how i m really feeling but doing so just push them away i need my life to be different not to be stuck in this worthless body i need optimism but there s none left in me i don t think i ll ever be able to kill myself so it s just going to be 0 0 0 maybe even 0 or 0 more year of this void maybe i ll be struck by lightning or something finger crossed,Depression +38140,today i wa prescribed xanax and celexa for my depression and anxiety i have major anxiety about taking pill the side effect freak me out especially when it come to mental medication i ve took zoloft in the pas for a couple day and it freak me out with suicidal thought very angry and ticked off i m scared this might happen again i m so lost on what to do i really need the help but scared of the help,Depression +38141,someone said this to me today he wasn t being serious it wa just banter his bros would probably be like yea you re right i do have great tit but it really opened up a healing wound for me being bullied growing up for my look i ve always been fat and people have used that against me for year these past few year i ve been healing feeling much better about myself and started to gain confidence i don t think i m ugly i m very much average and curve are much more appreciated nowadays but the feeling of inadequacy just never truly go away sometimes when i m really down i ll start self criticising and it ha crossed my mind that people who talk to me are just attracted to me physically i m not the most interesting person i m not funny i don t get joke sometimes and i take thing too seriously i ve been girlfriend zoned so many time it s tiring i just shut myself off from society men who were interested in me were never really interested in my hobby interest whatever they always complimented me on my look but that wa it if i ever tell them that i m not interested even if we talked every single day and were friend they d just ghost me it wa just something he said but wow wa it hurtful i cried for the first time after month of emotional numbness i cried because it wa probably true to a certain degree and i feel like shit,Depression +38142,i m fucking and why the fuck do i still feel this shit fuck fuck fuxk fuxk fuck fuck this i hate this,Depression +38143,i m amp i literally can t imagine a future here for myself at all i only see my depression worsening a time go on working crappy minimum wage job still all alone living alone with no one to care about me the list go on amp on i seriously feel like one day i will eventually commit suicide like it just my destiny amp i m becoming more amp more content with it a time go on i do put this down to myself just not functioning well in a capitalist society and i ve pretty much accepted i just have no place in a world like this do you guy feel like this too,Depression +38144,i can t remember a time when i wasn t struggling i ve wanted to die for a long a i can remember and i m worried i m no longer afraid of death i just don t understand myself i can get up every day and do everything i need to put my retainer in and wash my face before i sleep get great grade but no one know how much my body ache and how hard i have to push myself to do all those thing i joke around my friend and plaster this fake as smile on my face around everybody but i contemplate my death every night every single night and i can never sleep before am anymore yet i wake up bright and early a if i didn t almost kill myself the night before there wa a point in my life where i didn t get out of bed for month didn t brush my teeth for week failed every class never spoke to anyone and got sickly skinny from loss of appetite it wa so awful and i never want to return to that state again that i let myself fall apart now trying to keep my composure and no one know there s not a single soul in my life who s aware though i try to talk about it without dragging everyone down with me i ve also caught myself dissociating a lot more these day can t remember shit can t feel excitement at all or any other emotion other than despair and exhaustion and the terrible brain fog i just don t know what to do anymore don t know how much longer i can keep my act up i m repulsed by the idea that i d have to do this forever don t want to talk to anyone about it either in fear that i d just be a burden friend and family call me over dramatic and don t even take it seriously because they re never there to see how bad it is and idk how to show them don t even know what the point of me posting this is i doubt anyone would even see this or waste precious time reading through this long as post,Depression +38145,so i live hour away from where i wa born and raised well my very best friend twin brother oded because someone put fentanyl into his drink smoke and he wa always like a brother to me but i can t make it to his funeral i hate myself for it i want to be there for my best friend and i want to be able to say goodbye to a good friend i haven t talked to him in a long time and the way we talked to each other wa just always giving each other a hard time and now i regret it so much and just wish i would ve kept up with him and been nicer and i have to miss his funeral because i don t know how to save my fucking money amp my job ha no one to replace me while i m gone fuck i wish i wasn t like this i can t stop cry about it or the fact that i feel like i m letting down my best friend by not being there for her she say it s okay and she understands but i can t help but feel like shit,Depression +38146,in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to do something bad to myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening,Depression +38147,i struggle to get the thing people take for granted my whole school life ha been extremely terrible and i used to get bullied very badly back in kindergarten and some of middle school im in highschool now and i have like no friend only acquaintance i dont go to the nice place that normal people go to for example never went to a waterpark never had a night out or went to the mall with friend or classmate never went to disneyland when i wa a kid never went on a mall shopping spree i ve only ever been too the mall twice in my whole life and i didn t even see all of the mall never went to dave and buster never went to an aquarium never had a female friend 9 never even had a casual conversation with a girl 0 no gift for christmas no gift for my birthday no friend no one to talk to and a million more thing that are normal for childhood i didn t experience that my childhood i dont even want to start on that i used to live in poverty in a room tiny house with a cracked wall and insect because my dad left u my dad left the house when i wa some month old and he took the car and drove slut in it regardless i wanted to speak to him i still visited him and forgave him but then he asked if i wanted to live with him in a bigger nicer country with more opportunity i said yes i experienced true mental torment in that house and the worst part is i didnt even know i thought my parent were the victim because they brainwashed me so much about some thing that i still sometimes struggle if i should believe them or not in that house i wa brainwashed to the point where i couldnt even think for myself i couldnt tell what wa true i couldnt think anything for myself i experienced some not good thing they said i can visit my mom in her country and they pick me up in day to go back to the airport waited day waited a whole week they never came they left me and abandoned me and just left me in some other country and fyi that country is one of the poorest one in my area the house im at now with my mom my sister grandma and uncle isnt perfect in fact sometimes i feel like im losing my mind there they re pretty creepy sometimes except for one of my uncle in the house they dont have any malicious intent or anything but i just dont want to get into it right now im a few pound overweight and almost got an eating disorder it not even my fault that im fat my mom said it because i took a medicine when i wa little and it had a side effect of weight gain i literally eat 0x le than a normal person i dont even eat breakfast like 99 of the time on school day i used to get bullied shitless for my weight no social life no friend thats another depression aswell more ticked off the board no big deal my life so far ha been full of depressing thing so something like this doesnt seem that big anymore this is only 0 of my life s shitness if i went into everything then id prob have to spend like and a half hour typing my life ha just been an absolute mess and what you saw my post is just a fraction of my life so far person trauma is just a small fraction of mine those people who ha a dark phase probably had a good phase they had a normal life and they at least had a period in their life where they were happy i just want to enjoy my life is that too much to ask i feel so jealous of those people who can live a normal life in a normal nice house with story with friend with people to talk to my life ha just been bullshit after bullshit,Depression +38148,nobody would care if i wa dead i don t think my family would even react i starved myself and fasted everyday and looked sick and no one even noticed or remembers,Depression +38149,i m at that point it s just too much there s no way to even describe it anymore,Depression +38150,ha anyone had trouble with making progress in therapy i ve tried therapy a fair bit throughout my life and i ve never really gotten anywhere this year ha been exceptionally hard for me and so i have thrown myself into therapy and put a ton of effort both into finding therapist who were a good fit a well a really trying to put effort into it unfortunately i seem to be a failure at it i ve had four therapist tell me after a few month of seeing me that they didn t think they were making any progress and although they all offered to keep seeing me if i wanted they didn t want me to waste my money i feel like a complete failure and lost cause i honestly don t know what it is that i m doing wrong,Depression +38151,why am i like this sometimes i think about what people reaction would be if they found out i committed suicide sometimes i think it s the only way for people to understand and feel the pain i am feeling i know deep down i won t do it cowardice and my mom still being alive is the only thing stopping me i travel to and from work and i would always cry on the way i feel depressed i know i am depressed but if you would ask me why i wouldn t know where to start or what to say sometimes i don t even know why i m depressed i just am thing are seemingly going well and nothing bad ha happened yet why am i breaking down all the time and lashing out at others why do i feel this familar feeling in my chest like i m holding something back like i m on the verge of a break down i m not sure when it started but i m so scared of people i know my brain is telling me not to trust anyone or get close to anyone because i ll get hurt but i do it anyway i choose to believe that this time it would be different now im alone and i have nobody because i ve tried to protect myself from others look at me now trying to seek comfort from stranger i feel so pathetic and useless i want to be happy i want to not care about what others think of me i want to stop comparing myself to others and getting jealous of people my age who are more accomplished than me i want to be happy with who i am i want to love myself every year i would write in my journal my goal for the year and that would be at the top of my list do you know how tiring it i to pretend to be strong all the time it my own fault i did this i put my guard up and pretended to be knowledgeable a if i didn t suffer from anything imagine i m the one people go to for advice if only they knew how weak i really am how stupid i am i m so tired of reading body langauage facial expression and voice tone and trying to decipher word to see if it ha hidden meaning just to see if they are genuine living in fear of people and what they think of me absoutely breaking down at any mention of someone not liking me or liking something about me or what i did being cold and keeping people at arm length searching online meet people online and how to make friend online i m year old i ve been typing it in for year it dosen t work i m so lonely i have friend but none of them know who i really am i put up a front for year now no one know how to approach me or what to say to me if they see me i don t reply to text message because to me it s a waste of time because they aren t my real friend if i don t keep them around then i m truly a loner i go out of my way to be there for them but nobody asks me if i m okay nobody asks anything about me everyone assumes i m okay i feel so unfulfilled i m unhappy with my current academia but i m procrastinating and making it worse i feel no motivation to study all i m doing is destroying my life what do i do i cant trust anyone i ve tried it for year and everyoe hasn t been genuine sigh i m lost,Depression +38152,honestly i just need someone to talk to this ha been the worst month of my life im holding back tear just typing this because it feel like im getting closer to the end because i never ask for help i wa homeless for year with bed bug now i have a voucher so i live in a place now and im safe i just feel bad complaining abut this because it feel like i dont appreciate it and because ive been by myself my whole life it make everything so much harder because when thing go bad im on my own and im just tired of it i met this girl recently that we both practically fell in love with eachother instantly pale blonde brazillian girl she wa super sweet she might be bipolar to because this shit blew up in both our face within a span of a couple day also earlier this month a meth head tried to take my phone the bitch at the ssi building tried to 0 me then a dog bit me all in the same day but i wa chillin i recovered almost instantly but thing like family argument or the situation with this girl leave me feeling so upset for so long and dont get it im just tired of feeling sad i dont wan na feel like this anymore,Depression +38153,don t really know if that make sense but it a sort of feeling i get a lot,Depression +38154,today all good is dead i feel a little funny,Depression +38155,going through a depressive phase probably will last for a week to the least i picked up project when i wasn t in this depressive episode and now i cut of any communication with those people a the time is passing my anxiety is rising so a to why i am not communicating what they will think judgement etc what are your thought,Depression +38156,i wa wondering what to do somedays he is so down and feel so low all he want is stay home and never go out today we went for a walk and he said it wa nothing special but he thanked me for coming and said he had a good time i want to find something special and out of the ordinary to make him forget about all the pressure and all the thing he ha in mind that make him feel down depressed and so low any idea,Depression +38157,sometimes i think i wa either born too early or too late for my life the shape of water anyone else feel this way sometimes i feel like somehow i wasn t supposed to be here i don t seem to fit in with my life finding someone i click with ha become like finding life on other planet at it s difficult not to momentarily succumb to feeling of quiet heart heavy despair,Depression +38158,tl dr have been abused mentally and physically by both parent throughout my childhood and even now at year old very depressed and have suicidal thought failing school and have poor social life afraid to fight back because it will end up in conflict someone getting hurt and me getting kicked out of the house for the millionth time i still care about my parent for some reason and love them i dont know why and am hesitant to go to authority i have nobody to move in with not much money no car what do i do am i a coward i am currently in my second semester of community college i have lived through physical and verbal abuse throughout my entire childhood asian family beaten the crap out of every other day by drunk father my mother is mentally unstable and controlling and also hit and insult me don t want to get into specific because it would be lengthy and there too much but let just say the worst thing my father ha done to me wa crack my head against a table and i had to go to the er to get staple lied and said i knocked my head into the table by accident my mother burned me with a hair iron when i wa around ten and she say stuff like i am worthless should have never been born etc daily i am not a bad son very respectful my parent just have a lot of issue that stem from being abused from their parent too and are very controlling for much of my life i thought this treatment wa normal for example my mother would start hitting me if i didn t address her a mom when talking to her when she felt moody stuff like that not warranted last semester i took difficult stem class to be an engineer and on the morning of my calculus final my drunk father punched me in the mouth and i bled because i did not wake my brother up for school when he overslept i failed the final after that i told them i wanted to join the marine because i wa sick of home they apologized and promised to change they still talk shit to me but haven t hit me until last week my mother socked me in the back of the head for leaving the light on in the staircase of the house i felt betrayed since this is the first time they hit me in three month and i thought they really did change i screamed dont touch me and glared at her fist clenched and got wrestled to the floor and swung at by my father then kicked out of the house only allowed back in the house yesterday after sleeping on a park bench the whole weekend and eating fast food they called me and told me to come home they apologized but i know they didn t mean it just like every other time i am hesitant to fight back against my parent because apart of me still love them and who they are when they aren t angry i also know if i yell back or hit back never hit them before i would get kicked out of the house so i just take it i want to separate from them but i have nobody i could move in with and my depression affected my social life throughout my childhood with few friend that are all dorming at uni across state other extended family believe i m a bad kid because my parent twist the story around and make it look like i m the bad guy not close with any of them i have no car all the money i got from financial aid and scholarship my parent made me pay off their property tax the only thing i look forward to in life anymore is when i talk to a girl i like in one of my class never told her about my situation everyone i have opened up to this about tell me that i m being a pussy and should fight back but that would get me nowhere but back on the street or possibly hurt and injured and i don t want to hurt my parent what do i do am i a coward i just feel like life is not worth living anymore and i have lost all interest in school and my career,Depression +38159,i am mentally exhausted i have so many problem that i can not deal with my older brother bully me daily and all i do is just sit and listen to it if i tell him to stop he will just continue to be more annoying i have a lot of health problem my parent dont want to take me to a doctor because they think i am lying so i have to do it myself i am not legal in my country i go to school and put on a fake personality and laugh people bully me even there not physcally but mentally they tell me i am dumb weird skinny crazy i have zero friend in real life i have online friend that used to help me with everything and even made a workout plan for me all of that faded since my health is sucking rn my parent call me crazy daily becayse i like ti play video game for hour a day that is crazy to them even tho everyone else tell them it normal all i feel inside if me is just fear sadness and hopelessness 0 good or happy thought i thoght dozen if time about suicide i can t do it i have ocd and that top of everything and obliderates my life and make me suffer even more i can t take it anymore i don t knoe where to go or what to do it like i don t belong anywhere or cant do anything all i can do is whine on random subbredit because i have no one to talk to is this all life really is i know you might say ohh but if you try to get yourself up and get motivated and do stuff trust me i tried it many time it fails because of family problem etc am i worth saving is my life really worth living,Depression +38160,ppd amp work hi everyone i m month postpartum and for the past couple of month i ve been calling into work a lot i ve had depression anxiety for year but during my pregnancy it got wayyyy worse anyways i m grateful that my job hasn t said anything since i always have a sub i work at a high school a a paraprofessional but i just can t come around to wanting to be at work anymore i don t want to work i don t want anyone watching my baby i just want to be home with my baby i haven t been to work all week and want to call in tomorrow i cry at night with the thought of going into work i m trying to push to the end of the year so i can get paid thru summer then quit in the fall but i don t think i can even last these next month without missing so much work any advice what should i do my boyfriend tell me to push thru until the summer at least when we ll move into a cheaper home situation and he can be the sole provider but i m also about to get my income tax and i know that can compensate for my working wage until then i m just so lost idk what to do also i can t come around to taking my zoloft consistently because i feel like it won t help and there s no point i feel like i m just broken,Depression +38161,i wish he would delete her and not talk to her anymore i have nightmare about her every day for month but now they ve gotten worse i wake up time each night and after am i can t fall back asleep i wake up cry feeling paranoid depressed and betrayed what doe she have that make her so important that it s worth hurting your girlfriend over to this severity it s not like i don t want him to talk to anyone but me recently i saw him hang out with a large group of people and i felt so happy inside i know being in a group and having people around him make him happy i could ve joined but didn t i wanted this to be his moment i want him to have lot of friend i m just not comfortable with him having a close friendship with this girl who ha an obsessive crush on him all while trying to keep it hidden and secret but i see it everywhere we ve already talked about it and he know how it destroys me seeing he hang out with her instead of me he ha deleted her before but a few month later added her again and now they hang out again it s ruining me,Depression +38162,i wish i wa just normal everything is so hard for me i used to wish the world wa a better place but ive given up hope the world will never get any better and even if it did my mind is too fucked to be apart of it,Depression +38163,it wa in hope someone would come over she ghosted 0 minute after telling me she wa on her way to hang out it s been maybe hour i wa going to shrug it off but it only added to my low mood the last couple day i don t even know why i keep my hope up anymore,Depression +38164,i don t remember the last time i wa really able to open up to someone every time i do it seems like i just make them uncomfortable or i get ignored so i ve just stopped i can t even open up to my therapist like i want to and it seems like she want nothing to do with me anymore i ve ghosted almost all of my friend at this point which i don t regret they constantly left me out of thing stood me up and were in general kind of shit friend i want to connect to other people but there s something wrong with me and i can t figure out what,Depression +38165,hi together i m working up a lot with myself lately a it s difficult to get help in my country in europe right now long waiting time and little chance to get good therapy i wa diagnosed with a mild depressive episode a few year ago however i have not been well for several year therefore i think that this is not the whole truth stress feeling i have noticed that a lot of my behavior can be traced back to feeling stressed this feeling of stress is in my opinion triggered by a high internal pressure this arises for example from the fear of being abandoned or not doing something right for someone which could also lead to interpersonal punishment unfortunately i learned in my childhood that if i criticize my mother or say something wrong i am quickly punished psychologically she would get loud not talk to me for a while the stress also come from the outside of course time pressure self made time pressure fear of failure i am doing my phd and have been moving up quite fast in management consultancy the last two year have been a sprint and it ha left it mark behavior back to that stress feeling it take on different dimension i unconsciously hurt myself by delicately biting my arm or scratching my nail bed often i just see the mark afters and think oh i did it again i can reproduce it e g by playing a difficult game e g dark soul a soon a i die against a bos fight i unconsciously bite my arm in the loading time i get an extreme craving for sex masturbation multiple time a day and would describe it a compulsive sexual behavior the orgasm is then no fun and i feel exhausted and bad afterwards still i do it i behave in a clingy way and thus ruin relationship because i ask several time in a short time if everything is okay or write message to get confirmation e g that i miss my partner i am completely exhausted after a few day but can not sleep,Depression +38166,i started taking depression med a few month ago and it make my suicidal thought go away it wa somewhat amazing i had such thought every day and now i barely think about it at all even when the stray suicidal thought pop up it feel different le scary my problem is that such thought would help me through the day ironiclly if i wa getting stressed i wohld think about the end of all my problem i even began to mutter i m gon na kill myself unddr my breathe and mask during work this wa insanely unhealthy and where i am now is much better comparatively but the thing that worsened these thought is still there i hate my job i have no friend i don t know how to open up to people and i m terrified about having to choose what my life will be i want to go to college study sociology maybe creative writing a well but when i go to take any sort of action i m terrified it s illogical i hate it i work at an amazon facility i stow package i pick up box and i push cart i ve working there part time for year it wa to me at least pathetic so i moved to a longer shift a small bit of action i hate working there but i m terrified of trying anything else my new shift is 0 and a half hour long with a 0 minute unpaid break and two minute paid break yesterday wa my first day after hour i went to cry in the bathroom i drove to work 0 minute ago and soon began cry it wa ugly cry i wa shivering and whimpering on my drive to work i didn t use to do this when i wa depressed i wa much more apathetic i had my coping mechanism but now i don t i m not saying that being depressed wa better i hated my suicidal thought they would ruin my day but i m now noticing that they did help me get through some rough moment it s just not something i expected i know that i should speak to a psychiatrist maybe a therapist a well i know that quitting my job would be better for my mental health i am lucky in that i have the ability to do so and still have somewhere to sleep and eat i know that i think about my future if not college with a sociogy degree then an electrition there are other option for me i m just scared and anxious the reason i wrote this here wa to make it all feel real ir s easy for me to move on from these moment but i should realise that the fear and anxiety from change can t be worse than the anxiety and especially the self hatred that i feel now sitting in my work parking lot writing this out and i took the day off i m scared to confront my mom when i get home but it s for the best and it s what i should do fuck amazon,Depression +38167,im gon na copy and paste the title just to continue the story from that point on so here go nothing this ha been the worst month of my life but ill start with a light hearted day earlier this month a meth head tried to take my phone the bitch at the ssi building tried to 0 me then i got bit by a dog all in the same day what i dont understand is that im more upset about this pale blonde brazilian girl i met and lost in a span of day might be bipolar a well what i dont understand is how can i handle a fucked up day like that like it nothing and go through thing that could end in death seem to recover in minute but small thing like family argument or this situation with this girl seem to make me feel upset for so long i dont understand that at all i hope thing get better but ever since i droped acid about week ago this ha been on one end the worst month of my life but some part the best just the good part never last now my life is like a real life nightmare i might be schizo now a well also my depresion is worse then ever now before all this i lived in the car for year with bed bug now i have a voucher so im fine now and live in a place and am safe now but i just feel so stupid whenever i complain about anything now because i feel like it me not appreciating what i have i just dont get why this horible feeling wont go away i dont know what to do im here on reddit talking to random people dealing with the same thing because i just dont know what else to do it wa helping at first but i just feel so lost for no reason i feel like thing are good now but inside i feel the worst ive ever felt i dont wan na feel sad anymore i just want this horible feeling to go away,Depression +38168,i m great at acting like i m happy sometimes i actually think i am people think i m very personable when i m in group setting but a i get older i m finding it harder and harder to keep it up i know fake it til you make it work for some but ha anyone here faked it until they re actually happy most of the time,Depression +38169,i m failing out of college right now because i can t fucking focus every time i try to do my work i feel so restless and irritable i get hit with this stupid melancholy feeling for no good reason and it make me feel like doing nothing but lay in bed until i die of starvation but dying is too painful for a number of reason so i really have no easy way out hell i don t even have an out that seems reasonably doable i feel so trapped i want to talk to my loved one and tell them i m dying over here metaphorically but it feel impossible to tell them without something awful happening help,Depression +38170,every time i think about suicide or search painless suicide i begin to cry i don t know exactly the reason is it depression kicking in or just fear of death,Depression +38171,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +38172,ive been struggling with my mental health for a really long time even throughout secondary school the only thing is ive always pushed it down and gotten away with achieving my academic expectation despite how im struggling ive never told anyone about my problem not even my mum i guess i never wanted to worry her and also took alot of pride in being able to handle myself and not needing help from anyone i guess the combination of leaving it untreated and uni stress ha made it get worse and worse to the point it spiralled out of control i dont know the last time i actually ate a meal rather than just snack food all day the light is broken in my bathroom and i cant call maintenance to fix it because of the state of my dorm i have a nocturnal sleeping schedule and i rarely shower or leave my room i cant apply for special circumstance and try to finish the year because i cant even get out of bed let alone catch up on load of work and missed assignment i really just need to go home and eliminate the stress in order to seek medical treatment and get better but i dont know how to break it to my mum because she think im perfectly fine like how doe it go from being completely okay to me being in a full blown crisis just like that for her it not that i dont think she ll understand but i feel like im a completely different person than who she see no idea of anyone will see this but id really appreciate some advice support because ive never spoken to anyone about my mental health and idk what to do,Depression +38173,i just want to stop being so sad i feel like i m failing at life i m sitting at my desk and i just can t stop fucking cry over literally nothing i just don t see any hope for my future somehow i always come back to this feeling i used to fantasize about getting hurt enough to be in a hospital for like week just to get a break but not actually kill myself because i feel like i couldn t do that to the people around me i really have no one in my life to talk to right now i tried the crisis text line and my god they are unhelpful you are so brave for reaching out how do you think you were able to reach out tonight um maybe because i have this option or the option to off myself and one seems a little more rational than the other how do you guy cope when you just can t do it anymore,Depression +38174,depression make no sense sometimes i have a great life family member who love me friend who care about me everything going for me in term of college relationship life etc and despite all of these thing i still find myself thinking about ending my life suicidal ideation is something that i have dealt with since i wa a young teenager but lately it ha become a half dozen to a dozen thought of taking my own life every day what i really don t understand is the fact that almost everyone else around me doesn t feel the same way i do doesn t see the world in the same way i do sometimes when i wake up i ll just have my mind scream at me that no one and nothing matter that despite what we do all of u will end up dying one day etc sometimes i just really don t see the point of life all of u are on a journey with the only thing promised to u are sorrow or death we are taught that we have to make our own happiness and value out of life but if that s true than there is definitely something wrong with me that can t be fixed because some of u just aren t made for your fairy dust fucking world and anyone who isn t thank you cause there are too many stupid as happy people in this fuckface of a wordl we live in,Depression +38175,i am tired i don t feel anything good i just don t want to exist anymore,Depression +38176,doe anyone else on this subreddit have a sense of karma that let them make decision but the opposite way round the only way to explain it is for example the opportunity arises to do something fun or something i ll enjoy i don t want to do it because i feel that i will be due a similar if not higher amount of bad karma back in return a i shouldn t be allowed to enjoy myself is this something others experience or am i alone in this,Depression +38177,doe any else feel that they can t really think anymore particularly in academic area and for anyone who ha been through this before do you ever develop the ability again,Depression +38178,i m year old i started university like week ago at that time i wasn t feeling miserable or anything i wa a close to being happy that i have been in a long time but when the class started and i met the stuff that involves university made me feel depressed again i don t have any motivation i m studying something i already know i don t like and if i wanted to start another career i d have to end this year because of my university a regulation i don t really feel motivated i don t feel good and i cry almost everyday it s being super rough to me maybe i m exaggerating or maybe i m not but sometimes i don t wan na be here anymore if u know what i mean i don t know what to do to feel better i have my s o my friend my family but nothing help also i haven t had many good experience at therapy and the medicine make me feel even more depressed that i am,Depression +38179,tw depression mention to ed light mention of disassociation i think that s everything first time i ve written anything and don t expect people to see it but idk the idea of having my anger written down in a le private area is comforting idk like diary piss me off sometimes bc i m writing shit down but then what it s just for me it feel the same a it being just in my head sometimes sometimes i think it s great and v therapeutic and everyone prefers different thing it s absolutely a valid technique so no hate but anyway i hate the fact that i can t cry anymore i m numb all the fucking time idk what i want ever i feel so bad about myself when i see my face for more than like minute which is an issue bc i facetime my long distance girlfriend a lot and can t get away from it i feel so bad about myself when i feel hungry still working through a lot of issue with food so i m constantly feeling on the edge of a relapse i m so numb to everything i couldn t tell my girlfriend that i loved her for like week and i felt so guilty about it but it felt like a lie to say and i couldn t bring myself to do it bc i just don t feel anything she s been really understanding but ik it upset her so i ve started saying it again but i still find it hard bc i feel no connection to the word i know that i love her like she s the best thing that s ever happened to me but the word just feel empty i feel so distant from myself and emotion and even with all this guilt and resentment and sadness towards myself i can t even breakdown over it it s actually breaking me i feel like i can t do it anymore i just wan na feel again,Depression +38180,the only reason i haven t committed suicide yet is coz i am too much of a coward to kill myself my life just plain suck and i might possibly lose my second job just month after losing my first so yaay me,Depression +38181,i don t know how anything work anymore my brain feel like it ha dementia forgetful literal lack of intelligence and critical thinking skill i don t know how school work don t know basic math never had relationship and feel incredibly out of place and inferior to the rest of the general population that s my age half of the people living in my building are my age now i m so fucking suicidal everyday i m just waiting to die,Depression +38182,wake up force yourself to eat breakfast go to school that s filled to the brim with people who don t like me and think i m weird overthink everything suffer through class get home sleep or do homework then go to sleep again repeat for the next few fucking year is there really any point if class were at least enjoyable i d manage to get through it and honestly most of them aren t horrible just one rd language class that i can t fucking get out of or get better at because how the fuck am i gon na find the strength to learn a whole new language i always get yelled at always stressed at that class because i know i won t answer correctly and i will get yelled at then go home and cut yourself because of it fun right,Depression +38183,it s been a while since i ve had depression episode and i think it ha come back but worse i m the first daughter of immigrant parent therefore i have to be perfect and be an example for my little sister i m falling a class in college and can t seem to get my grade up i can t focus i can t concentrate i stay up until am doing homework and studying but even though i try my best i feel like i m not progressing i don t want my parent to think i m a failure i want to make them proud but i can t find the inspiration to keep going i feel like sh t anxiety haunt me everyday and i just want this to stop i want to talk about how i feel with my mom but i don t want her to have a bad image of me in her head she know i have depression and anxiety since i wa diagnosed but i told her month ago that i wa okay i m not now i know that if i tell her that i feel depressed again she s just going to tell me to keep going my mom is not a bad mom i love her she ha done everything for me but she doesn t show u affection it might been the way she wa raised but i need to her her say that she s here for me or that she love me i can t remember when wa the last time she hugged me or said i love you i don t feel appreciated in this house when i try to be friendly or make a conversation with her it always end up with her being mad i ve gone several time to her room just to hang out with her but it seems that bother her when i try and hug her she tell me to stop i know she ll be very disappointed in me if she discovers i m not doing well in my class she ha criticized me because of what show i watch if i m enjoying a video game too much she ll tell me that s all you know how to do why don t you do something else instead of playing your little game she hate the music i enjoy listening all i want is to have a mom daughter moment but it doesn t happen i ve talked to her about this several time she cried once saying it wa hard for her too and i understand hard i know it s hard having a touched starved mentally unstable daughter that s why i don t want to bother her with my problem when i happen to have a problem with a member of my family aunt uncle or cousin she ll always be on their side it s like she want to please them i don t feel heard im 9 and on my th and 9th birthday i cried i wanted to spend my 9th birthday doing something i wanted and my parent said yes that wa until my step dad changed his mind and choose to visit his sister on my birthday hour away hour city i wa mad i feel like i had the right to my mom told me that i didn t have to come with them that i could stay in the house until they arrived sunday night my birthday wa on sunday i choose to go because i didn t want to spend the day without my family i didn t got to do anything i wanted i wa pretty bummed my mom and stepdad noticed this and yelled at me saying i didn t had to be here that i could ve stayed in the house my mom did bought me a cake and ate it when i arrived home and i wa grateful for that my aunt and uncle noticed how my mom and stepdad acted on the day of my birthday and felt bad for me they told me i should ve stayed with them and they would ve took me to the mall funny how my mom go all the way out for his birthday or my sister birthday i feel like i m a failure to them i m not the perfect daughter they wish they had it s like they just gave up on me at least is how i see it every time i talk to my mom she look at me with an annoyed face when i told her that i m kind of struggling with college she shrugged and told me that it s my fully because i choose this career it s true but i wa looking for some encouraging or caring word i feel what i need is a break im sorry for over sharing but i can t tell this to my friend or sister i don t want to bother or worry them,Depression +38184,i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me just kinda good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage,Depression +38185,i kinda miss when i wa completely apathetic at least then i wasn t anxiety ridden and constantly worrying about how much of a failure i am and how downhill my life is going i miss when i didn t care when i could watch my world collapse in front of me and be able to sleep at night when i didn t need to always doing something that release dopamine to keep my mind off of my severe procrastination should i even call it procrastination when the last minute already past i kinda miss when i wa apathetic when i simply didn t care,Depression +38186,need some feedback if it s just me amp im insecure or if some of these girl are getting out of hand i m a year old girl whose instagram feed look like wan na be influencers i can t deal with how many picture they re putting out there on top of how edited they are it drive me insane because it make me feel so unattractive but then i remember these girl are smoothing their skin lightening their eye whitening their teeth modifying their body etc should i delete instagram cause i honestly don t know what else to do at this point it s deteriorating me,Depression +38187,i ve been feeling really depressed lately and find myself with no one to talk i have these cry spell whenever i m alone and convinced that i m worthless and not worth anyone s time it s getting harder to pick myself up from the floor bed and be productive or practice self care my friend live far away and emotionally at arm length my family understands that i m depressed but not how much it debilitates me with no one to talk to i feel trapped i m hoping finding online support can help me understand how to go on so i m kinda new to this how doe this thread help you,Depression +38188,well i caved i cut myself for the first time today it didn t really hurt but it didn t help either i still feel like shit i can t take it anymore i switched school this year and have yet to make a single friend every day i m on the outside of the group i know that i did something to warrant this problem but no one will tell me what i did am doing i just gave up trying to nudge my way into conversation and just sit there and listen so i don t look like a lonely loser although i guess i look like one anyway anyone have any advice i need social interaction to get out of my depression also looking for new friend won t work a everyone in the grade act like i don t exist so don t suggest that,Depression +38189,so i recently moved to a state 000 mile away from my home with my parent even though there wa no point in it i m and this isn t just the right place for me and there s nothing i can do about it all my family member who lived here convinced my parent to move over here cause apparently it s better when i m here my anxiety ha gone up by a lot and so ha my depression i can t even sit still in peace after getting into a fight like my mind constantly telling me we need to go back home i never got along with others in public and got into fight at school already did drug and a lot of stuff like that my parent think this is the best environment and i m still acting like this and they never listen to me i m having a talk with my therapist in a few day do you think they could convince my parent that this isn t a good place for me and recommend u to move out of the state for better mental health for me mentally and emotionally because i just do not belong here i wa so much better a a person in my hometown now i can t even tell if this is me i even have done drug here for the first time and yet my parent family think i m the problem not the environment what can i do i can not wait much longer,Depression +38190,my friend ha suffered with depression for what seems most of their life and recently it s become apparent that it s become worse due to them distancing themselves being more irritable and stressed and even mentioning suicide they have also withdrawn from doing thing with me a much when we used to do thing very often i try to support them already of course but since i don t necessarily deal with severe depression like them i struggle to know how to handle thing sometimes what are some tip on how i can be there for them and support them many thanks if anyone answer a i really want to support my friend,Depression +38191,the note is done written edited signed done the noose is cinched and hung all that s left is for me to decorate the door i stood staring at it for what felt like an eternity today every second had felt like eternity i had writhed in agony watching each minute tick by a if a lifetime had passed i had tried everything i knew and i d been told dunked my face in cold water but my forehead had felt red hot meditated and focused on my breathing but i d retreat back into my head between each breath and be left gasping for air took a scalding bath for a moment i wa in my skin again but then the water and i felt a one i tried to nap a reset wa always in store but i woke up still at death s door i hadn t done it yet though i d never been closer but i still hadn t done it before i hit send before i decorated the door i told myself i d go for one last run to get out of my head i ve been treading water the last week just barely keeping my head up i tried mushroom a few day ago and for the first time in what felt like month could accept myself in fact i discovered i wa stuck in time two month earlier when i d been dumped my heart hadn t moved on but the universe relentlessly had and for hour the mushroom gave me clarity that i needed to move on and even had there wa a moment when time seemed to stop and suddenly i wa vaulted forward to the present over and around the intervening month i wa present again but just a sudden a the revelation had fallen upon me it wa stripped away and the black dog weighed down my chest once more shakily i put on my running clothes i considered my route an old standard roughly mile it d buy me a calculated more minute to think about this decision i cinched my lace i hate these shoe i struck out the door when my foot hit the pavement i realized this wasn t a regular jog i wasn t running to run i wa running to kill myself or not i d find out along the way suddenly the route and distance didn t matter i knew i d be going further than i d thought i started out at a normal pace and began upping my tempo i knew i wa out of shape i knew a single minute mile would be my limit a it had been on several of the past day but today wasn t those day i couldn t feel the exhaustion the pain of my body moment earlier all i could feel wa my body exhausted i wa trapped in my head i could push my body well past it s limit today because i wasn t leaving my heart or my head until my body hurt more around the first mile i started muttering to myself you ve never outrun yourself before but today is the day you beat yourself and i kept running i came upon a long flat stretch a narrow catwalk along the water s edge and i broke into a sprint i wa going to break myself now i pushed until i could feel the burn in my leg my throat and my lung i hadn t pushed myself like this in day week month or maybe even year i d forgotten what it felt like i started feeling light headed this wa to be alive but it couldn t last i ground to a halt and walked finally outside my head again but still thinking finally not drowning in my thought i d realized earlier what it is in those last moment it is quite literally drowning in your thought my brain take over dwelling on my past failure rejection loss and it s a if every iota of my brain power is diverted to these fruitless foray in my hippocampus every drip of processing is diverted suddenly my breathing reflex kick in i haven t been breathing i ve been drowning in my thought and with it a sense of fear and dread adrenaline course through my aorta spreading across my chest and dilating my bronchus fight or flight from my own past pushing myself achieves this same end but what am i running for what am i running toward i don t know and i feel so lost and unbound adrift and asea i thought again if this is your last run you re going out strong and started sprinting again i ran and i ran and i ran i ran through throng of people amidst cherry blossom who didn t know i wa probably running to my death but suddenly i didn t want to die anymore at least not yet not now and i started a new mantra this run saved my life and i realized i could say that every time i ran or biked or hiked or sat with friend or worked on a project or spoke to my mom but to do so i d have to get through those long dark minute of pure and intense pain i d have to learn to hurt myself again running hiking biking but i kept running a fast and a hard a i could i circled back around on my path it wa a lollipop route and i wa completing the candy and i pushed myself until i wa back on the inner leg of it the stem i pushed myself so hard i started vomiting in a homeless camp of all place i d had nothing to eat today and little yesterday i wa subsisting on coffee the bile came up black sour bitter much a the coffee had been going down it seemed a funny parallel and i decided then that i wanted to write about this i wanted to share my story because today i didn t kill myself i might have some part of me wanted to but i ran away and i ll keep running it s tough but i think i found something to run for again i d mostly stopped running age ago but i think this wa the motivation i needed to start again the rest of my life is in shamble and i don t know what i m doing but i can keep running i ll start running with a group i think and each time i ll let them know at the end this run saved my life i ll let them decide what that mean to me and them,Depression +38192,im and mo postpartum i don t know if i have ppocd but the intrusive thought are becoming unbearable my baby is healthy and for the most part happy a lot of the time i feel like a shitty mom because i work full time while my boyfriend is at home with the baby and when i get home im too exhausted to clean house or play with my baby i carry so much guilt about other people watching my son on my day off so i can get thing done because i m his mom and i should be able to take care of him and everything else myself tonight he wa losing his sh t bc he wa overtired his screaming made me feel like i wanted to hurt him or myself i would never hurt him but the thought get so loud i can t seem to escape them i wa in a psych hospital last month but it didn t help at all these thought are a constant sometimes i feel like having a baby wa the wrong choice and i ruined my life and the only way to fix my issue is to end it i just feel so alone,Depression +38193,i m going to be in le then a week i d do anything to just go back a year or two restart highschool and actually pay attention fucking pas at least there s no fucking way i pas this year there s no fucking way i graduate by senior year i have 0 fucking friend to celebrate with but i would i even celebrate why would i celebrate being with absolutely jack shit going for me congrats your fucking failing highschool no friend just got broken up with no career i mean there is absolute jack fucking shit going for me i waited so long for this day because i wanted to join the military and you can at but i ve already ruined my gpa i m just done with even trying anymore everything i do nothing going to change the fact imma failure advice fucking pay attention in highschool and don t try to fit in with people who were never there for you,Depression +38194,my dad died almost one month ago and i feel like no one understand what im going through and expects me to act normal i try everyday to do thing to distract myself but everyday i feel worse sometimes i think im not even cry for my loss i really can t stop when i wake up i cry and then in the night i cried myself to sleep i don t want to be with anyone and at the same time i want to be perceived i don t get what is happening i ve never ever been so sad in my whole life i don t want to live everything i do or try to do for someone seems to be wrong or badly done i have always had good self esteem but now anyone can call me ugly a a joke and i would get mad and think for it for the rest of the day i just want it to stop shit hurt like a mf,Depression +38195,there s nothing left for me in life and i ve kept this calm cool facade that i m fine for so long it s impressive i m failing school i have zero love life and i have no idea what to do for a living and i don t think there is anything i want to do i have no passion keeping me alive i ve literally just been having sex and dling drug literally anything to give me some small momentary bit of joy at this point it barely doe that i m a failure and god taken away every piece of happiness i could possibly have i ve disappointed the people who love me most and i can t keep being a drain on their life if i kill myself it ll hurt them but no one will truly miss me after a couple year it would be so much better for my parent if i died i m such a fucking failure it hurt i never wanted this life i had potential at one point but i never realized how quickly god can turn it all around,Depression +38196,i ve been dealing with serious depression for the last 0 year one huge thing is the mental fatigue i m always feeling in my head making it hard to get up and do thing what have you done to help relieve that so thing are much easier to do and enjoy i m planning on switching job but the mental exhaustion is making so hard to go for it so any advice would be amazing,Depression +38197,i am a freshman in high school young i get it but still have felt like shit for year this night wa terrible worse then the others and i don t even know why i decided that i wa gon na end it all i went to the cabinet and grabbed 0 pill and swallowed them all knowing what the outcome should have been i went to bed right away in hope that i wouldn t have to feel the pain but then something weird happened i heard my alarm clock go off in the morning meaning i wa still alive how i don t know but i should have been dead i can t focus on anything now and just think about the fact that i m still alive and thinking of way on how i am but still nothing i don t know what to do and am literally losing my shit,Depression +38198,just being so nervous around every person and my move and action i just have no idea it came back so strong i m so sad it s everyday is a battle if i have to leave the house idk how i ever got this maybe i always have,Depression +38199,gon na graduate highschool in a couple month i have no future plan no job can t go to college because of financial problem everyday waking up i feel like a total piece of garbage that never taken out my friend ha their own future some of them already have job i don t have any skill i m an idiot i don t know nothing i only have a mom left my big bro paying the bill rn after i graduate highschool if i don t have a job when i reach 0 y o or something happened to my life i m gon na do it or should i i don t know anymore i m scared of my future i hope it ll be okay i hope,Depression +38200,i have my mom and grandma but it still feel lonely and i can t talk about my problem with them and my anxiety is kicking me in sometimes i feel like i m overreacting to it i just want to cry and tell people how lonely i m but still i don t want to share my feeling i want to stay strong a much a possible i don t know what i m doing and today is my birthday and no one wish me i m lonely i need someone to know what i feel it s just too lonely,Depression +38201,i don t know if it s that i ve been on antidepressant for year or that i repress my emotion and don t allow myself to process thing but i didn t even notice i went on my phone and started reading random bullshit,Depression +38202,this is something i see so often and people claim their reason for being an asshole is depression no being a nasty person and depression are two completely different thing i recently got downvoted on this sub for telling someone it wrong to insult others for trying to help them unfortunately i have seen this in real life a well i wa diagnosed with depression nearly 0 year ago so i ve been apart of depression support group and i ve heard member of the group call other member ugly stupid and when confronted they quickly jumped back to sorry it s my depression hehe real depression is fucking painful and lead to people killing themselves it s not some sort of get out of jail free card and people that use it a such should stop downplaying depression,Depression +38203,maybe if i made regular healthy meal for myself instead of skipping them and eating junk food i d feel better maybe if i kept to a consistent sleep schedule instead of staying up late at night and letting myself pas out on the couch at random time throughout the day i d feel better maybe if i respected the way i looked instead of neglecting my hygiene and wearing dirty clothes because i don t feel like changing i d feel better maybe if i cleaned and decorated my apartment instead of surrounding myself with trash and shit i don t care about i d feel better maybe if i left the house once in a while and allowed myself to show the slightest bit of interest in anything i d feel better maybe if i let the right people in instead of always pushing them away minimize the toxic people in my life instead of always letting them get to me open up and trust instead of always expecting the worst and keeping my distance if i would actually be there for the people i care about instead of just saying i am then blowing them off maybe if i could open myself up to the possibility of positivity instead of always dwelling on the negative then i d feel better probably but damn it if that shit doesn t come naturally to me then i m just not interested work hard to make a change ha i m already working a hard a i can just to keep from loosing it on a day to day basis i am not willing to put in any more energy into my life than i already am thank you very much a life of incremental progress towards what wa supposed to be the starting line is no life at all a world where a brain can get like this whether a product of rationality or not is not a world in which i wish to live i don t care if there s hope for a better future unless it come with a better past and present too,Depression +38204,well like the title say it since covid ha come around and i got it time died almost time at this moment i just hoped it killed me i having longcovid and no energy need to use a lot of medicine to get normal breath since then my day are waking up working and after hour i have no energy got ta work for 0 hour a day because it s to busy after i get home nobody is there to support me nobody is ever texting me i hate it to see everyone having a gf around me i m alone not talking to someone and when i talk to people people will backstab me after sometime after i did something for them i hate my life and just want to be happy again hoped to find a girl to talk with have friend that like playing game and chatting but i m always alone while gaming or something and when people say yeah i get online they never will get online i m here to write it off myself 9 0 time it help especialy since i not have someone to talk about it sometimes i hope to meet some dutch people that feel the same or know how it is amp x 00b thanks for those who even read this sh t d amp x 00b kind regard amp x 00b ajax winner,Depression +38205,i wa in my car actually but it wa a bad time to start cry i know it sound pathetic but i felt my emotion build up and started remembering thing i shouldn t remember then my tear started flowing the worst part wa making sure my eye didn t look red before going out in public this happens to me a lot and i can hardly control it i ve always thought cry make you weak but a it turn out i cry a lot for someone who look down on it i feel like a pathetic po and even more so for being a grown as 0 year old woman,Depression +38206,i m so tired everything is rough right now i m getting sick of it and i want out it seems thing go wrong at every turn lately for example my family went on a big march break trip one week on a resort wa gon na be awesome to top it off i wa turning sixteen that week and guess what happens i get norovirus for day and then the flu for the rest of it i missed half of the trip how fucking incredible back home now and thing are more stressful than when i left the ceiling of my parent restaurant caved in from prolonged water damage which our landlord wouldn t fix and we ve been closed for a month now with repair only starting recently i have been unable to work this whole time which is lovely considering i am paying of an expensive computer feel selfish to complain considering the scale of issue that my parent are facing but still fucking suck i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning now and i ve missed lot of school a a result of course my grade have fallen i ve got missing assignment littered about and it suck cause not long ago i wa a 90 and up student i just want to be dead i m not brave enough to do anything though so i guess i ll sit and suffer i wa hoping i d have turned all this around by it s been year that this ha been going on now and i am so disappointed in myself for it i know i could do better than this i know i have the capability if i could just have enough energy and will to get the fuck out of bed every morning all would be perfect if i could look at myself in the mirror without wanting to claw my face off all would be perfect but none of this is gon na happen because i don t have the drive to bother with any of it nobody know either i don t think anybody ha the slightest clue and if they have an idea they don t know the depth of it i m not gon na tell them i ll probably have died already by the time i have the courage to say anything oh well i certainly won t tell my parent i don t even know how we are still afloat financially with everything that s happening but we are barely and i m not gon na add stress to them,Depression +38207,one of my biggest fear is trying everything possible to turn my life around from grade to career career to myself then still come out being the same or still having the same hallow feeling i wan na take this next year to change my life around for the best i wan na look back and be happy with my life and what i ve accomplished i ve learned throughout the year that i really do want to be alive i just don t want to be me i wish i could change myself and who i am and where i came from but i can t so i would like to better myself do something to make myself proud i just don t want to waste even more time trying to fix myself then still be unhappy this fear probably came from my dad he s a ex heroin addict yet in his 0 he went from a crackhead to owning his own auto repair shop ha a beautiful yr old and amazing wife yet he still the most cold hearted asshole he still cant get more then a couple hr of sleep he s drunk every night he rarely speaks a word to me so from heroin addict to a shop owner yet still unhappy still suicidal still fighting after doing so fucking much is that really all there is to life constantly fighting to be happy without ever truly feeling it you may hide it or distract for awhile but it always come back and harder everytime till one day,Depression +38208,the daily struggle is starting to get to me i have wondered for so long why and made excuse why but when you re depressed the reason don t matter a far a i m concerned seeing a therapist amp getting medication are not an option for me the closest therapist is 00 mile away my insurance doe not cover visit they charge 00 a session and the wait for an appointment is month the way i figure it is that i have three choice end it all which would cause pain for everyone else i love wait six month travel amp get some happy pill that never work and make certain body part uhhhh shall we say limp deal with it any way possible tough choice i ll get back to you all on what i choose be well peace out,Depression +38209,i feel like if i just got some life changing money like that a good amount of my problem would be solved it s just crazy to think that someone spends that much in a week when just spending 00 in a week would take me a month to recover from,Depression +38210,i have anxiety and possibly depression too but i just wanted to ask if grief can be considered a depression i m not really capable of feeling grief i have only felt it in dream or about animal or something,Depression +38211,been on escitalopram for about year worked great for the first or year wa prescribed either or 0mg honestly don t remember the exact dosage eventually it started making me feel complacent with sleeping long hour and not having any energy not meeting my goal or even making goal in the first place and not caring about thing i used to i didn t feel depressed but felt like i wa not where i wanted to be in life and that the antidepressant were part of the problem i should also mention that part of the reason i take them is for anxiety when this happened about year ago i decided to go off of them over a period of month it wa a very slow process because of all the side effect it wa terrible once i wa finally off them i felt worse i did have more energy but it wa like anxious energy i could function on hour of sleep just fine whereas with the antidepressant i feel like i have the flu if i get le than 9 hour normal on the pill is 9 0 hour well once i wa finally off the pill i wa getting anxious over every little thing including driving i had just gotten a new job and wa failing at it my inlaws came to visit in two seperate trip and after the first trip i decided i had to go back on the pill asap a i couldn t handle it anymore random outburst of cry and feeling very depressed along with near constant anxiety which is not great when my in law already don t seem to like me much long story short i went back on the pill about year ago probably about a month or of being off of them but i have kept the dosage low mg a i d like to try getting off them again i am worried to get off them completely again to try new antidepressant a i ve been promoted a few time since i went back on them and i can t risk screwing up my job i did ask my doctor if i could take the lowest dose of my current antidepressant 0 mg while i switch to new one but she told me i would have to be completely off the old one before starting anything new now i am also contemplating just upping my dosage to higher than it wa before and seeing if that help but i m also worried about having to try to get off a high dosage again it wa so terrible i m mostly just wondering if anyone ha any similar experience and what you decided to do and how it worked for you i know going to my doctor is best but it hasn t been super helpful for me so i m just curious about personal experience and i just feel like rambling a bit i guess,Depression +38212,i wasn t in a relationship but there wa this girl who i wa heavily attracted to for whatever reason nothing worked out well i ve tried throwing the kitchen sink at it for quite some time now but i ll never get any closure because she s hardly active on any social medium after much deliberation i actually realized that i still do have the same feeling for her now a i did back then but i can t do shit about it i ve started to accept that my pain probably won t ever go away unless my life doe and i ve been having an intention to act on that,Depression +38213,when it rain it pours i can never get ahead in this game of life it s all sort thing that pile on at the same time it seems like i start thinking that maybe it ll turn around wham something new newest one family ha a trip planned coming up and sure enough kid is sick i just don t understand why can t thing ever shift in my favor i know this sound petty compared to other people problem but i just needed to vent to someone,Depression +38214,i feel like all of this is part of a bigger plan not that i believe in god or anything i believe that what we are experiencing right this moment is reliving our past we are living a fulfilling life there somewhere in the future i m not sure what the endgame is but being curious about it it s the only thing preventing me from burying myself six foot under i d like to find out if my older self is alive and well i feel him watching me from the distance,Depression +38215,i m so behind in all my responsibility that i m seriously fucking up my future the weird thing i don t care logically i should be panicking but i m so calm i feel like i m barely even here,Depression +38216,i dont think my friend are bad people which for some reason hurt to type i cant stand them anymore though im a class clown so everyone think im so outgoing and can talk to people but to be honest i put on a mask i think people are only my friend because im funny im only a joke and not an actual person if i make a self deprecating joke ill be showered with fake compliment or joke about me because you play game or call a group chat im in doesnt make u real friend ive never had a genuine conversation with anybody i know from school or online the closest ive felt to having friend wa talking to someone about a game on omegle nobody actually hang out with me either im in a group chat and somebody call it or someone feel bad and invite me somewhere two of my friend have messed up plan several time with me and dont invite me anywhere now is this some weird fucking pity thing i dont understand anything about them it genuinly upset me and any small comment or joke ruin my day they dont think about these thing but i do maybe they dont bring it up i dont either but atleast they have people to comfort them they can believe whatever garbage they say to eachother but i know any compliment i get is a lie and fake they just like me being funny and telling joke sometimes ill stay in factimes alone after everyone left it usually me and one person left and then they leave im so fucking alone the worst part is i dont fit with anybody in my class there a trans ki in my class and i dont think theyd accept me with how they talk sometimes the others might not either and i know my family 00 wouldnt they all say homophobic shit from time to time and everyone in my family are not my age but much older they all seem like they would treat me differently im so scared i cant go to anybody and i dont like the idea of venting online but here i am,Depression +38217,i cant do this i just cant anymore i wan na be happy again im dealing with lot rn ever since i watched some verg graphic gore smoked weed had dpdr researched solipsism it all too much for me i wan na be happy again i just cant see the world the same anymore but i want to please someone help ive had this kind of depression for year it come and go i hadnt had any kind of major depression tho for a while this doesnt feel like itll go away i rly need to know and make sure itll go away because i just cant especially at night thats when it get rly bad i just don t know what to do this doesn t feel like it ll ever go away please please help im desperate,Depression +38218,i ve been struggling for a long time but it s getting worse i feel alone constantly no matter who s around me i fake a smile to pretend i m okay but i m far from it idk what to do anymore i don t eat i can t sleep no matter how hard i try i never feel that i m good enough what do i do do i give up i don t wan na die but i don t wan na live like this,Depression +38219,i ve tried 0 antidepressant nothing work i m about to fail out if college it s over for me i don t want to love anymore,Depression +38220,i m starting to hate this routine i ve gotten myself into i especially hate my job i mean it s convenient and it doesn t suck all the time but this place ha me by the ball i never see anyone anymore i m trying to save up for a car but i suck at saving i m going nowhere in my life and on top of that i m starting to wish i didn t push everyone away or isolate myself but i can t help it,Depression +38221,i forget that i m depressed and not normal because people love to bash me for not caring about most thing other human do like making lot of money and being better than everyone else lmao i made a post earlier about how i ll never do extra work at my job bc it s not worth it knowing from experience and being on that side i know you just get used by company and they never pay you what you deserve so anyway i realized i don t care for most thing other people do lmao and for what why should i care it s not worth caring,Depression +38222,i m absolutely fucking leathered i love you all,Depression +38223,every day i feel exhausted i wake up and just lay in bed i feel like i have no interest anymore even playing videogames or watching youtube isn t enjoyable anymore i feel so tired and stuck i don t know what to do with my life i am back living with my parent and currently am not working i applied for disability due to my depression i see a therapist twice a week and do chore for my parent in the meantime but i just feel like laying in bed all day even when i force myself to do thing i feel little or nothing from it i just want this feeling to end,Depression +38224,day have passed since i last posted nothing ha improved my friend just hang with me for my stuff my family see me a a liability and useless it s midnight again and i wish i wa dead,Depression +38225,i recently asked out my crush she seemed positive about it but didn t give me a clear answer i asked if we could talk about it today and we did she told me she would like to o go out with me but she doesn t feel ready to be in a relationship she would ve said yes if i had waited a bit longer i am just so disappointed in myself everytime i am near happiness i screw everything up i hate myself,Depression +38226,fourteen year ago today i got married i thought it wa the beginning of my uneventful everyday nothing wife mom homemaker life and id be happy and grow old and die and be buried beside my old man nope here i am and widowed w four kid and alone af i m so lonely in the human sense that yes it contributes to my mdd and cptsd i ve been widowed for four year raising four kid solo my parent died a year after my husband did my sibling live 0 mile away my extended relative live out of state my close friend i only really interact with through texting because they live far away all of my friend and female acquaintance have boyfriend or husband so anytime i m physically around them the interaction feel awful for me and my kid i don t fit in at any of the church i attend or interact with because all of the other widow are decade older than me and all of the mother w young kid go there with their husband and are all happy with their full life and younger people don t wan na talk to the widow w a bunch of kid in her 0 dating hahahahahahahahahahhhhhh they re either never been married and want someone young and childless they re older and don t want to have a house of kid if we d get married or they re younger and don t want to take on that role to kid who aren t biologically theirs etc i m just left out and alone and then people don t like if i voice how lonely i feel so they ll attempt to invalidate my feeling with you have kid that make me extra lonely i have no one to send the cute pic i take of them to tell their cute little story to who they can do thing with or help me answer the question many time i m overwhelmed because they ll all talk to me or ask me question simultaneously because we have no one else who s a regular in our life it s just me so they swamp me and i can t pay attention to everyone all at the same time how they need so then at night they re asleep and i m trying to destress but i can t because the next day will be the same and there is no one to cuddle with or talk to etc it s funny too because i see article etc about how mom are overstressed etc and they need help and all but when i air my situation and trouble people say my motherhood single widowed motherhood to four fatherless kid should be the answer to my loneliness and stress if society want to feel bad for and support married mom of one of two kid how come i can never get some freaking recognition and support a a single widowed mom of four with no family or whoever helping her again i m ostracized even in the stressed single mom circle,Depression +38227,i m think i m depressed and my anxiety is through the roof rn i m having a hard time focusing what should i do,Depression +38228,why is it that sometimes i just randomly am completely consumed by anxiety i try think about something nice and i just feel random anxiety and i don t know why it make me feel awful or am i just tired i don t know but i do know that i m so easily consumed by defeat and depression i just want to give up and hurt myself i don t know what to do anymore i hope i can make it,Depression +38229,doe anyone else feel helpless every day i just feel like i am passing time from one shitty situation to the next what is the point i am a m father or two with two kid early teen and college age and married to my best friend career marriage etc i can t stand my job it s not the company rather the job itself i am an account manager in the pharmaceutical industry which translates to constantly apologizing for other worker s fuck ups and dealing with burnt out frustrated pharmacist all the time i never cause the problem but i am treated a such and shit get taken out on me there is absolutely no joy in this position and it suck whatever remaining happiness i have i am looking for another job i have mental health issue gad depression ptsd etc which do not help i never know how i am going to react behave or feel each day sadly no matter how i try to hide it my family always know i am seeing a therapist which help at the time but the effect always wear off in a day or two i want nothing more than for my kid and wife to be happy and content with their life i am sure that hard to do with me around following them like a storm cloud or eeyore i had a classmate i grew up with she wa awesome beautiful inside and out the type of person who make the world better just by existing she recently had a freak medical condition that caused her to have a massive stroke and pas away positive humble great mother wife she didn t deserve it no one doe i suppose in any case i wish i could have taken one for the team and taken her place she wanted to be here i don t anymore it s not fair i very rarely find joy in anything anymore kid wife family excluded i should be and want to be okay not happy or content it s just not there sorry just venting thank you for listening,Depression +38230,so i m om an anti depressant and i feel it work somewhat i ve tried many others that just don t i ll be ok for a while just ok not cured or anything then ill hit these pit where i can t find joy in anything not even doing stuff with my kid like i just wan na lay in bed all day type of depression and idk what to do i do struggle with substance abuse and i know that s a big part in it i just didn t wan na get too into detail about it here i m so stuck i feel like i m in a funk and just wan na get out i ve struggled with substance abuse for a few year now which ha just worsened my depression honestly,Depression +38231,the absolute gal of some fucking people i don t know about the rest of you but i post in r suicide and this page to cope with my negative feeling and emotion it ha helped me a lot this past year and it ha helped me be more open about it in general it s good to read other people s experience and know you are not alone and then this person decided to ask to speak with me and then go on to invalidate and minimize my feeling because surprise they have a fucking saviour complex these space are meant for u to express what we can t normally say to the rest of the world and there s nothing wrong with that we are allowed to experience sadness suicidal ideation loneliness if that make you uncomfortable that in you motherfucker don t sit there and tell me you want to help me and hear me but start the conversation off by saying everyone ha stress your only there s option how dare you invalidate my experience because you don t want me to be sad bitch i have a fucking therapist for a reason i come to this platform to here thing like me too or i feel the same way or your not alone not uhh don t be sad cuz i don t like that holy shit doe anyone else relate to this how people just won t let you be sad cuz it make them uncomfortable if your uncomfortable imagine how i feel imma be sad today motherfucker,Depression +38232,tldr fck this i m out i can t fcking do this i m tired of myself why do i feel like this i would ask for help but it s not worth it at this point i give up i should be at the happiest point in my life i have more friend than ever before that love me i ve been out of a really toxic abusive friendship for month now i don t know i m tired i m done all my grade are good but rapidly slipping i worry everyone i m around my entire family think i m suicidal and they re fcking right although they just think it because of my shitty humour they keep telling me to drop they only hear the half of it my friend are the one who are extremely worried even though i think it might be bc of my joke too i m not sure if this is a rant or a cry for help because i have a beam in my room thats perfect for a noose and a letter and i ve spent since december finding a date that won t f up anyone s bday or special event early april it wa gon na be early this month but my friend ha invited me to a convention and tbh that s the only reason i m here i didn t want to mess it up for them because they seemed really exited and i really love them and although i ve come to term with leaving them i know it ll take them a while i m not sure why i m writing this help advice idk i just feel like i m at the point of no return,Depression +38233,i m 9 and feel lonely and empty from inside i grew up having no friend i did get a great group of friend but then they ended up just using me and then leaving me like trash so i just roam alone most of the time all empty from inside i can t even talk to my parent about it a they expect me to be happy which i can t but i have to for them so that they don t get worried about me i just want friend some true one i also realise that u trust people way too easily maybe i shouldn t sometimes i just wan na kill myself but then i think of my family and future and don t do it i wish i didn t exist,Depression +38234,today i had an important college presentation to do but since last night i ve been so dead feel like with my brain my body ha also given up i have to pull myself together to even get out of bed i had to wake up early today and i did but i just couldn t leave my bed i wa cry so much the whole night for no specific reason i decided not to go and explained my partner that i won t make it i told them how i wa feeling funnily they re my best friend who were doing the presentation w me one of them said i didn t have the ball to just say it straight to their face that i just don t want to go because i m being lazy or whatever it hurt me so much how do i explain this to them it make me feel like i m good for nothing i feel like a piece of shit for not doing thing i should be doing everyday it keep on getting worse for me i tried therapy but it just expensive and doesn t work for me plus i always have this stress of spending so much on therapy being a student if this is how it going to be like then i don t even wan na carry on lmao i d rather just kill myself but i can t do that also because i m such a coward and always think about the consequence of my action and how other people would have to deal w it the shame that my parent will have to face i have so much fear and anxiety it so difficult to survive,Depression +38235,my memory s fading i m losing weight i don t sleep sex feel hollow i have no motivation to do anything and i frequently think about death i ve been seeing these symptom in myself on and off again for the past few year but never really put them together until now i attributed the weight loss to a study i read stating that just thinking about working out can have benefit despite not actually working out i never really thought of it a a symptom i just saw it a a positive slightly inexplicable development in my life i think i read that i have passive intrusive thought or something like that essentially i think about what it would be like if i wa dead but not about how i would want to die or anything like that the reason for it wa always lost on me i just learned to live with it my sleep issue motivation issue and lack of sexual pleasure have always been present so i never really thought twice about them i thought the memory loss wa due to my rare and infrequent use of recreational psychedelics when i connected all of these together i spent about 0 minute just trying to remember what i had for dinner last night which i found fairly upsetting a up until my teenage year i had an immaculate memory i d still consider myself happy at least to the extent that i ve always known but the symptom are there nevertheless and i m just finding the whole thing quite strange,Depression +38236,this always fucking happens i don t want to be sad i m a happy person this happens to me a few time a year and it s unbearable i don t want to die but this really hurt randomly and i hate it i promise i m not a sad person,Depression +38237,last week at a family st patrick s day party i got drunk and took the rest of my antidepressant idk how much it wa but it wa at least more than half the bottle left i realized what i did wa stupid because there were kid around and i didn t want my little cousin seeing me od so i told my aunt and she took me to the er that wa thursday night i don t remember anything after getting to the er i wa completely out of it and i didn t wake up until saturday morning i wish i didn t survive and i ve been in the hospital since then because there aren t any bed available for outpatient program i m just waiting for a bed i don t want to go to a psych ward i ve already been admitted other time for suicidal ideation this wa my first time attempting i don t think life is worth living and i don t mean that for just me i think for anyone life is so fucking mundane and pointless i don t want to do any of it i don t want to live so i can work and pay bill for the rest of my life what s the point in that and none of the people that i genuinely care about have reached out to me that know i od d which break my fucking heart it s like they don t even care i ve been so depressed for so long i don t want to fight anymore and i don t think it s fair for people to ask me stay when they know i m suffering i ve given up already i don t think i ll ever get my will to live again i m literally dead inside and i have nothing to live for,Depression +38238,some of you on this sub probably have this a well i m about to be 9 and i have been depressed since i wa a child it ha taken away my ability to make friend be a functional human being and live a normal life i ve never felt wanted because i wasn t my narcissistic family wasn t of any help so i moved in with my boyfriend approximately a year ago i regret everything i have no support i m a disgrace to my family all i want to do is lay in bed and just stay there and the worst thing is i can t just kill myself or my boyfriend will be emotionally ruined i don t understand why i got into a relationship i m so selfish if it wasn t for him i would ve thrown myself off of an overpass a while ago i feel like i m going insane i want to die but i can t actually do it myself because of guilt fear so i m kinda just there trying to do what people expect of me,Depression +38239,i have a friend at work that i ve been confiding in for the last couple week we both are experiencing depression and suicidal ideation over the last several year she seemed like someone who ha everything together in a sense that she ha a gridiron exterior great career very positive attitude and i come to learn she s barely hanging on in my struggle with depression she ha been my most interesting and welcomed member of my support network i m also working at getting my former bos now my director back into my network my current bos add to the depression quite a bit but having a network of people to connect with is truly a blessing my point is that there are so many wonderful people and sometimes you expect the least expected to be your strongest ally stay strong and make today the best you can practice self care exercise is therapy therapy is therapy and be a reason someone release the stigma that depression is for the weak but that the strongest have to survive the self destruct mechanism in your brain just learn to manage it,Depression +38240,i don t care about therapy school work friend music clothes anything i don t even card enough to eat i don t care to shower or to get up i simply lack energy to care i hate this world my therapist say i should try and do thing i enjoy or atleast keep up with my room but nah i don t care to i m not doing anything anymore,Depression +38241,i have been pretty down for the last few year and i felt mentally stuck in a limbo it is like i can t move back but i can t move forward i have just been surviving for the past few year but now it s like i can t physically move i don t feel like studying or even getting up and i don t know how to get over it it come and go but sometimes it come at really bad time i wish i could get over this part,Depression +38242,hello i am i had been very reluctant to admit i wa depressed but it s very hard to hide at this point plus who am i kidding apparently it written over my face for people who have known me for a while it really hurt me when people ask how are you i can not tell if they are just being cordial or they truly care i assume the former for them and respond i am good okay but every time i say i am good i feel slightly sadder because i know that is not the case i want to speak about this to friend but i do not really feel close to any friend anymore i moved country so this could be a contributing factor so here i am on reddit i have attended university twice now and already going to have a delay on this degree which mean another year of my life wasted to chasing a degree 9 i have been very disconnected from friend over the last two year and have felt like i am in a prison because i have mostly spoken extensively to just two people over last two year maybe this is because i am extroverted i do not recognise myself anymore i used to be so positive and strong mentally but a lot of negative thinking and bad thought have engulfed me for a while now i used to be very funny and enjoyed joking around but thats vanished these day i used to be very athletic and worked very hard to get lean after antipsychotic made me gain weight but now i am starting to put some weight back on because i have been using unhealthy food to cope these day my mind is flooded with so much negative thought pattern it s becoming too exhausting and i can barely study despite my best effort and knowing final are next week mostly quit social medium especially instagram because all it make me do is compare myself to others and reminds me of how unaccomplished i feel and the older i get the more i start to fear that i might actually go nowhere and how it might be better to die young and full of potential than a wasted life will i get back to how i once wa before my mental health went to shit is there a way out for good i have tried therapy but didn t work my last therapist told me she doesn t know why i am depressed because i am very good looking smart likeable and said to cheer up like it wa that simple,Depression +38243,i don t know if i have depression anymore a few year ago i wa convinced i did since i didn t have much joy left in my hobby game or many show and i know when this thing all started back in primary school i m in uk there wa this autistic kid named patrick he appeared nice at the beginning but i had a bad feeling about him i felt bad that i did since he wa autistic and back then i wa told that you should never judge someone because of appearance or disability for that i wanted to be his friend along with everyone else after a few day of trying i realised why i had the bad feeling it turned out that patrick wa a bully and he always called me name and pushed me and hit me every time i wa even near him and of course i went to a teacher guess what they did drumroll nothing they said he couldn t help it because he wa autistic this went on for a year after a year of this the other boy in the class joined in and called me name and i only had friend through all of this let call one b and the other l when i wa hanging out with b she offered a sweet they had one of and i wa thankful for her kindness the next day b told l that i stole it from her and i now lost my only friend another year of this and still nothing but i had one friend we ll call her m m wa a girl i liked i matured fast after a while of hanging out with m i asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes month of more bullying but being with m i wa sad about not having friend but happy that i wa with m m slowly stopped hanging out with me and soon enough she started hanging out with b month later me and m were over m wa always talking to b i talked to no one i stopped going outside apart from school whenever m asked me to come outside i never said yes anymore i just sunk myself into a rabbit hole of youtube video p game and especially fortnite when it wa popular after summer holiday i went back to school and i gave up on making friend or doing work that year i always got mad whenever someone insulted me and i walked out of the classroom still teacher did nothing they actually called my carers and said i might have autism or anger issue absolutely ignoring the fact i wa being bullied right in front of them it definitely didn t help that the teacher for our class wa always on the girl side and soon enough i felt like i wanted to murder some of my classmate and i forgot to mention that i became friend with one of the boy that bullied me last year but he didn t really talk to me much after i started reading news story about depression abuse treatment of kid mental health etc and i came to the conclusion that adult couldn t help in this situation so i had to stop my anger before it even started i tried to stop sleeping because i thought if i wa tired enough my brain would be to weak to show emotion i soon enough had no friend didn t get much sleep didn t go outside apart from school and that s only through the course of and a half year primary i decided i wa gon na better myself and actually do my work i got to level in subject i talked to my friend more i became friend with m again after m and b had a fight they stopped being friend so in that year the teacher were the true problem and patrick of course let s call teacher one c and no d d wa the one i hated the most d intentionally made fun of the fact my dad left my mother when i wa born d also heard patrick call me name and hit me and breathe in my face multiple time i burst out of the room and went outside then d found me and acted like he didn t know what happened the deliberately said get back inside or i ll call your dad that made me so angry that i shouted right in his face and i went back inside angrily patrick still annoyed me and still teacher ignored it after covid erupted we went off school and it wa great skip to primary and patrick finally started getting in trouble by one teacher only teacher c after a while of him actually getting in trouble he came up with a plan he decided to tell teacher c to go home and kill themself and when it happened teacher c went out with watering eye and the head teacher came in and said to him patrick that s not nice don t say it again teacher c still got him in trouble and he gave up on stopping her nothing much happened that year he still bullied me but i tuned all of it out since i couldn t care anymore nor could i get angry anymore all my anger wa used up now i m in s and people call me emo just because of my long fringe no one want to be friend with me everyone annoys me for no reason most of my primary school friend are no longer talking to me i gave up do i have depression,Depression +38244,im recently got fired from my job unfairly that i absolutely loved i ve spent the last month trying to apply for job but only wanting to apply to thing that sparked my interest which were slim to none i applied to position with my favourite clothing company and wa really excited about the opportunity and after over a month of interview i have been turned down for both they say that my skill and qualification dont align with the job however if anything im extremely qualified maybe over qualified for both i ve been having a really hard time mentally recently and this is the cherry on top i went to school for fashion and only got a diploma i dont know what to do from here im feeling extremely discouraged and down about myself almost like im literally not good enough for anything it feel like my life is going no where ill live at home with my parent forever and im just gon na rot away i really dont know what to do i seriously feel like im going no where in life im not qualified for anything really in my field they all require diploma do i just work random job for the rest of my life and feel even worse just so i can have some sort of income,Depression +38245,i m tired depressed and can t go through this alone anymore i haven t been kind to myself i ve taken a pill because i don t want to stay awake even though it s really early can you leave me a comment so that i won t wake up to zero notification maybe something to make me get out of the bed a little easier,Depression +38246,nobody like me all my friend are asshole and just make fun of me isk if they think it s cool or something but it s really annoying i m thinking of dropping them i m fat and annoying my grandfather in the hospital and my family is a complete mess i have no faith for anything and the only thing keeping me alive is a concert i m not gon na hurt myself just suck being this way yk so much more going on but i only wan na talk about the loneliness right now,Depression +38247,m and i did what i wanted to in life grew up poor got an education make ton of money hit the top of ladder in a respect profession and i m not happy i m not rich but money isn t a a big a concern a it used to be i have a job i like sometimes but the reality of it are physically and mentally destroying i have good friend and am finding myself making more a i go but i m miserable completely miserable i wa told that you become successful you work hard and have good moral invest in your friend develop hobby and fulfillment and happiness come a a by product but when in the actual fuck doe this fullfillent and happiness come,Depression +38248,so a couple month ago i finally had the courage to tell my girlfriend i wa cutting myself we ve since broken up but that doesn t matter too much she expressed her sympathy but then abruptly got up to go to the bathroom i wa concerned but she told me not to follow because this wa at school and i wouldn t be allowed so i trusted that her bladder just had terrible timing so i waited after a couple minute go by i start to get worried and that s when the teacher tell me that she found her cry in the bathroom and sent her to the counsellor office and i should go check on her i go to find her and she tell me that she had a panic attack because she ha trauma related to self harm i m obviously concerned for her but at the same time i m so angry she didn t even tell me anything wa wrong we talk for a bit and cry a lot but then the counsellor say they want to talk to her and i should get back to my class so i go back to class and i have to pretend that everything s ok that i haven t been experiencing the lowest point of my mental health ever and i have to go through it alone eventually she come back but only to grab her thing she tell me she s going home because she already had a bad morning and that it s not my fault all i wanted wa for someone to be there for me and the only person i could talk to just left i can t talk to counsellor because i m terrified of what would happen if my parent found out this happened month ago and i m still so angry at this i don t even talk to her anymore but i don t know how to deal with this,Depression +38249,legitimate question i m not trying to be close minded or anything i got referred to a therapy clinic by a friend of mine and i have been doing weekly session for a month now i don t feel any better and to be honest i kind of dread my therapy session because they leave me feeling even more helpless and empty i think my therapist isn t the best phd student in training but i feel so bad saying that since i know she s there to help me people have told me to change therapist but jesus christ i can t bring myself to do it because i feel bad i put myself in her shoe i honestly don t know if i m being impatient about all this since i ve heard therapy take many session to help at all anyways i went to therapy because i wa fed up with life after dealing with anxiety and depression symptom for year and i wanted to take my friend s advice also my depression symptom have been worse even though my qol ha been better overall i let my therapist know that nothing triggered my depressive episode this time around and that my mind is just painfully empty feel like someone is constricting my brain and i feel lethargic all the time but all she doe is ask what do you mean by that sorry if i m writing too much in one post but i heard therapist aren t supposed to give advice so what exactly can she do for me she doe cbt sometimes like when i told her that everyone in the room judge me for the way i walk and talk to which she say who told you that are you sure you re not judging them first which doe make my question myself slightly but that s all nothing that i can actively implement to help me counter those thought but then again i have no idea what i m supposed to take from my session and would appreciate your guy feedback any experience you want to share amp x 00b edit sorry wanted to clear up that i haven t been formally diagnosed with anything so i m not 00 sure if i had a depressive episode i had to ask my therapist to refer me to a psychiatrist didn t seem like she wa going to since i wanted a proper assesment,Depression +38250,i m on this team project and the project manager is super toxic i constantly feel like i am a burden and that i have to pretend to be working every morning there is stand up and i have a mental breakdown because i haven t done anything i have started seeing my therapist again but i just don t know what to do about this i honestly feel like i have to quit my job but i don t have another job i am totally screwed with no way out,Depression +38251,my adult child with depression is very challenging to deal with i realize that she ha depression but she refuse to get a job amp expects u to pay for her living expense in an apartment when we bring it up she cut u off i feel bad because i know doing new thing can be difficult especially for someone with depression and anxiety but i can not afford to pay for my daughter s apartment and my apartment she is finished with school in august with a college degree i offered for her to move into my apartment but she won t now she isn t talking to me because of asking her to get a job but i m still paying for everything because i dont know what else to do,Depression +38252,i fell pain on my left chest and on my left back when i looking for an answer on google i feel it s a symptom of heart disease my mother also ha this and a far a i know heart disease can be inherited i didn t dare to go to the doctor because in our family there is a saying that say it s better not to know,Depression +38253,i feel so sad and lonely so i am a student at a university now i am an international student and i came to this country last year i am kind of shy and always chose to keep the feeling to myself than speak out there wa one girl in my class that i liked she wa smart and intelligent rather than anything romantic i thought we could be friend but i did not approach her till the end of the semester on one of the final day i wa like i can t always be scared to express so i went upto her and asked her contact detail we talked a bit and she asked if i wan na go for a movie we went the next week and it wa fun it wa a good to have a friend in a foreign country we went out a few time after that a well then she had covid and i tried to give her some advice and said that i wa stifling her even though i had just told her to take care of herself the next day she said that she ha issue that she need to sort out and want space being a friend i didn t understand what issue or what did i do but i did not message her a week later she message me back in a good mood and say that let s watch something and we watch a movie at her home i cook for her at her place and i think she enjoyed a well she doe some painting and showed me those so i asked are these just for you and then she said that she shared it on instagram by her pseudonym and feel good when her internet friend appreciate it i did not read too much into what internet friend meant day later i wa scrolling through instagram when it occurred to me to look her painting up so i searched her pseudonym and found that it wa a public profile and saw that she had posted a painting i like it so i messaged her on whatsapp where we usually chatted that hey i saw your painting and what i liked about it something flipped her off and she said that her internet persona is different than the real life persona and what i did wa a big mistake and she doe not want to talk anymore i wa like i did not about this internet persona thing and you had said you shared it with your friend but if it is that big an issue i am sorry and will not look at your painting and then she wa so rude she said that it wa the last chance she gave me but me explaining why i looked wa too much i did not respond anything a i wa so hurt i did not even do anything bad or something to intentionally hurt her i did not message her anything for week i did not look at her whatsapp i just tried to forget her around day ago in a moment of weakness i searched her name and see that she ha blocked me on whatsapp i didn t even do anything after she said all that i got very depressed and wrote her a long message on text this wa the message hello please read this that is my only request yesterday i had tried to message you on whatsapp asking how you were and saw that you have blocked me you can block me here and everywhere else a well after this i just want you to read what wa in my mind when we were talking from the day we had started talking i do not know what all bad thing you think about me but atleast from my side i had always wanted to be a good friend and never had any bad thought i had fun on each of our meeting i have been continuously thinking for the last month what did i do wrong a you never told me and just shut me off maybe these were the reason i don t even know i can t even think properly i thought that we were very alike i honestly thought we could be good friend two introvert who want to be better at their craft and helping each other out through tough school again i do not know what all notion you had about my intention but i did not want to be more than friend if you ever felt that way i am a new guy in this country there are many thing i have not even understood here having a relationship or a girlfriend is the last thing on my mind i don t even have friend here to share stuff so i never wanted anything more than just being friend who could help each other whenever they needed or share thing about life course maybe take some advice on what to do in certain aspect of life thing that normal friend do and maybe i wa selfish to have looked for that friend in you you had said that i did not deserve to be a friend the last time we talked there ha not been a day when i did not think what did i do wrong that i am not even worth a friendship i think that i had probably messaged you more than what you wanted a a friend i don t know you never told me that i thought everything wa normal whenever something came to my mind or i watched some video that i liked on youtube i used to send it to you i think i should not have done that and maybe you didn t like that i just did that because i wanted to share thing with you that i admired so that those thing may bring happiness to you a well the other reason wa that i looked at your painting on instagram i am sorry that i looked at your instagram profile to appreciate your painting i did not have any wrong intention i wa just curious and had thought you would like it a you had said that you like it when your friend appreciate your art i wa not aware of internet persona being different from real life persona i am not a bad person i just wanted to be a friend and someone you could trust i am not writing this to you for any response or for being friend because i don t think i have any respect in your eye and i have lost much of my self respect in my own eye after how many time i have tried to apologize honestly for last week i didn t even look for you on whatsapp a it wa soul crushing to read how you had said that i blew the chance of being a friend and i think it is best that you do not respond to me a i can not feel more pathetic and worse about myself trying to mend the bridge which never even existed i just want to say that i am sorry if i ever hurt you or made you feel bad i always wanted to be good and make you happy a a friend i never had any malice or any bad intention i never wanted to be someone who you despise this much i am just sorry and i will be really grateful if you could just let me know what i did i texted her this and and then she texted back don t say if own up to your mistake and now she will block me in text a well i am not even sure what i did and i feel depressed lonely and sad i have never felt like this,Depression +38254,hi i am male i used to have a very emotional side but for the last year or so i am not able to feel sad especially for others sympathy i used to cry when my best friend cried to me about her break up but now i couldn t shed a single tear during my grandfather death i hated the feeling did i stop loving my grandfather even then why didn t i feel sad when i saw my mother cry she is the first person i don t want to see cry off late i feel it s affecting my friendship a well just to be clear it s not a overall numbness i still feel happiness anger and other emotion but this is really frustrating especially when i am getting into a relationship for the first time in my life i keep questioning my love for people i keep asking myself if i can t feel sad for them do i really love them,Depression +38255,i m at a very weird place in my life right now i m a year old male in college i m failing my college class a i have no motivation to do well in them i have a very poor relationship with my parent and family the one organization in my college that i m extremely involved with ha cut tie with me over accusation that are not true i have a leadership role in this organization and being a leader in the organization with no prior experience ha brought me a ton of hater and people that just want to see my downfall i literally have no future a i m supposed to graduate this semester and get a job but i am nowhere near both i can t pursue my real passion and to top it all of and what really might put me over the edge is problem with this woman in my life we met through this organization that i wa talking about earlier in this text a a captain i have my own committee of people that i oversee and she wa one of my committee member the first time we hung out in october she took me out to a bar after i turned it wa just me and her we quickly started to develop this really cool friendship where d we hangout and talk almost daily a a young man hopeless in love i started to develop feeling but nothing crazy because i almost always saw her a a best friend first and i m sure she felt the same way then we were at a bar about a month ago she wa talking to some guy at the bar and i wa having a funny conversation with my friend but i could see from the corner of my eye that she wa talking to this man and that s when i first started feeling these feeling of jealousy but i could tell she wa looking at me too talking to my friend and she came to me and we embraced and i hugged her almost all night had my arm around her and everything and she had her hand over mine too and we just kept feeling each other this wa the first time we ever moved into this phase of our friendship and i think we both felt something brewing in our heart for one another a few day went by and i wa out yet again talking to this other chick i met at the bar and we ended up almost hooking up back at my place but i couldn t go through with it because all i could think about wa my best friend who i really liked i m an introvert at heart and will always keep my feeling inside because i m scared to tell people how i feel and i suppress those feeling but literally the next day after this hookup that didn t happen i wa at a friend s st birthday party and got hammered myself and i had this urge of wanting to tell my best friend how i truly felt about her and that s exactly what i did it wa a thursday night she always go to this one specific club on thursday night so i ditched my friend and went to that club to see her and it literally played out like a romantic film she wa the first person i saw when i walked in and went up to her and for the first time in my life i poured my heart out to her and told her how i felt about her and how she make me feel and at first she wa shocked and then she said she felt the same way and we kissed for a long time at this moment i wa on cloud 9 i had never had a girlfriend before had never been in a relationship before but in this moment it wa just me and her against the world and i loved it we started to head back to my apartment but the alcohol wa kicking in for me and i passed out once i got back to my apartment i woke up the next day and saw her heel on the floor but she wa nowhere to be found so i texted her and told her that i wa sorry for passing out from the alcohol but i meant every word i told her last night she didn t text me back till later that day and she said that she wa thinking about it all day and night and she didn t want to fuck up our friendship a it s one of the few good thing in her life right now and i totally get that wa i disappointed hearing this yeah of course i wa but i texted her back saying that we can talk about this in person another time but for right now enjoy your weekend the next day we saw each other at a party and i talked to her outside and told her that i d rather say we tried to make it work and it didn t rather than not giving u a chance at all and she never gave me a clear answer she texted me later that night saying that she needed a break and some time to think so i said okay a few day later we had our last committee meeting and it wa so awkward cause we hadn t talked before and we were on this so called break and after the meeting ended she immediately left even though she usually wait for me i got a text from her later that night around am saying that this letter i wrote for everyone on my committee wa very sweet and cute and i asked her how long this break should last and she said she wasn t sure a she didn t want me to think that she wa leading me on which i thought she wa doing so we hopped on this facetime call and had a really nice long conversation about all the stuff we had to catch up on and then after an hour i switched the topic back to our relationship and she basically said that she didn t feel the same way i wa so hurt when she said this because all the sign pointed to her liking me too and i really felt like i knew what her heart wa saying we both went to sleep cry that night for each other the next day i sent her a text this time saying that i do need some space to figure thing out and we can talk after spring break so for the next week we didn t talk she didn t view my story like any of my social medium post and just simply didn t communicate with each other and it wa one of the worst thing for me to go through a she wa someone i really looked forward to talking to and to not be able to do that just sucked the sunday before we came back to college i texted her and asked if she d be down to hangout that first week we got back and she said she wa down to do so and i wa so happy because it felt like i wa getting my friend back again but then a few day later she angrily text me asking if i told anyone that we hooked up which isn t true and i told her that i didn t which is true there were rumor going around about u from people that saw u hangout a lot that saw u embrace at the bar that saw u kiss at the club and saw u walk back to my apartment together so people could only assume that we were a thing and i kept telling her that but she wasn t having it she facetimed me saying that she regretted ever kissing me she didn t want to be friend anymore and all this shit i wa extremely hurt hearing this and just wanted my friend back and wanted to forget ever opening up my feeling for her so i sent her a really long text explaining that i never said anything that i really cared about her and just wanted my best friend back she responded by saying that she appreciated me reaching out and that she wa over the situation and that she s not ready to move forward with me and doesn t think our friendship will ever be the same so i texted her this morning and i said i get it and if there wa any way we could meet in person and just talk she responded back by saying that she s potentially open to it but not now maybe next week so i said i just genuinely need someone to talk to but i understand her the last text she sent me wa i don t think i can be that person for you anymore i m sorry i am heartbroken devastated and hopeless angry at myself angry at this world and i just want to leave i have no direction in life no one to turn to anymore and i just want to end it all a soon a possible,Depression +38256,f 0 i m feeling very lonely i need someone to talk to,Depression +38257,idk what the fuck is wrong with me i can t fucking learn it feel so painful i can t concentrate i eat so much sweet until i want to vomit i m extremely depressed i can t do anything it hurt so much to be alive every day is so fucking painful to get through i want it to end so bad i m in a fucking nightmare i feel like a retard i can t ask for help i really don t know how i will get through anything i m at home all the time i have to join a university and learn but it feel like walking through fire wtf can i do i have appointment with psychiatrist but i feel like i should be in a fucking hospital fuck i want to fucking tell my mother but i fucking don t know what can i say i don t know how can i help myself i wish i had an easy way to kill myself i don t even know if anything can fix me,Depression +38258,i cant put the feeling i feel into word im stuck in an endless cycle of dopamine consumption all i do is work school scroll i have no hobby no interest nothing brings me joy but i dont have the motivation to actually do anything i think im depressed but i dont want to go back into therapy psychiatry because im tired of feeling like a patient even writing this is tiring and i cant thinj of how i could describe my conditon my dad tell me he s proud of me for doing basic thing like showering or going to school everyone s expectation of me went from sky high to so so very low in a matter of 0 year i hate it i dont know where i went im just empty now,Depression +38259,i shower and wash my hair naturally curly so it s a whole routine do my skin care routine and feel good for a day or two then i just don t even want to do it again i stop washing my hair for a week or two i completely stop taking care of my skin i fall off my routine until i get that motivation back to do it again i m getting so tired of this i miss how soft and fluffy my hair feel after washing it i miss how clean and soft my face feel after exfoliating moisturizing i wish i could do this everyday but i just fall off i get so depressed and watch my hair and skin turn into exactly how i feel for the past few day now i haven t even been able to get out of bed i lay there wanting to do thing but i just don t get up it feel like there s so much weight on top of me just holding me down the only one good thing i did yesterday wa getting up to wash the dish i like celebrating the smaller thing but i m kinda getting tired of that i wish i didn t have to i wish i wa functioning like everyone else i wish living didn t feel like such a chore i seriously wish i could give my life to someone who want to live this out anyone else probably would ve made better choice to get out of my situation and much earlier too i feel so useless if anyone s got tip for the getting back into routine thing please throw anything you ve got at me thank you for reading,Depression +38260,i m sorry sometimes i don t feel much i wish i did i wish i wa better for you i wish i could always try my hardest and make thing better i wish i wasn t bad i d do anything to make myself better for you i m sorry i ve cried more than i d like and felt a lot lately i wish i could feel a lot a lot of the time i truly am sorry,Depression +38261,fuck everything i m done,Depression +38262,i m and i ve wished i wa dead for the last two year of my life i pushed away all of my friend who could understand what i m going through i m failing all my class because all of my motivation and hope is drained i don t feel like i can tell anyone what i m really going through i had all the making of a perfect childhood i wa smart i had friend and i had a good family with enough money to live in a nice suburban neighborhood i threw all of it away because suddenly i didn t feel wanted any longer i don t know what to do anymore the thing ive used to cope are slowly being taken away in the hope my grade will rise i ve become emotionally numb to everything around me i don t think i ll ever find love because of how quiet and secluded i ve become i ve stopped trying to make thing better in my life i just needed to get some of this out so thanks,Depression +38263,so in the next chapter of wanting to kill myself the psychiatrist changed my medication and a a result i am currently prescribed these two new bad boy ha anyone had any luck with them,Depression +38264,i am finally checking myself into the hospital for suicidal ideation i don t think they will be able to help me but at least i will be safe and not a risk to anyone else i am pretty scared it will be the end of my marriage maybe of my job i put this off for a long time but i am not safe i wish so badly i had never been born,Depression +38265,well hello everyone i m in a bit of a crossroad in life i m year and currently in my rd year of law school but i will have to repeat it probably again because of slacking off it all started during the pandemic when university switched to online mode i slowly slided into video game addiction and eventually depression i got very behind on my study and nearly forgot the thing i learned in the past now that uni ha started to have live lesson my body and my mind are still living in pandemic lockdown mode i go to part time work in retail to sustain myself but other than that i choose to skip class almost entirely i started being afraid of university itself lost all interest before the pandemic i wa very keen on my study every time i look any of my friend up i get a panic attack cause i feel like life is moving on and i m stuck between these dormitory wall cause basically all my peer from high school have graduated or are other way succesful in their life already have purchased home of their own etc i m in this limbo for year now last week i kind of had a mental breakdown i don t know if it wa a side effect of the rabies vaccine i took not so long ago cause the doctor told me to avoid any alcohol stressing for at least a month i dont drink at all but stress alot about my past and the future but after the so called mental breakdown i decided enough is enough and it s time to part way with my study i called up a relative of mine that would vouch for me in a job interview for a international cargo transportation company and let me try out a a intern sale manager tought this could be a interesting choice for me cause i speak language of them very common i live in europe but i m now in the last step of leaving uni almost got all affair in order and went to in my mind to the last chess practice in the evening i m also an avid chess player been playing all my life and after the training session i discussed my plan with my chess coach which opinion i value very much told about how i feel and he urged me to stay my main point wa that i m not progressing in life and he motivated that i ll get through this and that he know many people who spent 0 year until they have finished university that he would help me anyway he can ect and walking from practice i had a chat with some colleague from the chess club on my way home just about casual stuff and it hit me that i don t want to leave this place these people and want to persue the dream diploma and when i entered my dorm room it hit me again the same place with the same room mate who i have seen for the last year who i admit is a bad influence cause he gave up on his study long ago ha a full time semi dead end job and spends his off day playing video game all day so before going to bed i jumped on my laptop created a reddit account and started writting this text sorry that it is kind of a mess cause i m just typing my heart out i suspect also that i m kind of a bipolar guy cause of constant mood swing between motyvation and helplesness also possible add but never diagnosed never considered psych evaluation an option cause it could disqualify me from numerous position in law sphere of employment my parent suggest i change my living location from the dormitory and rent a private room somewhere in town a of this moment i have conflicting thought about trying to get out of this mess by finishing what i have started or just leaving everything after year and starting new without a degree i feel atached to this place but i also im sure it s killing me regard a depressed law student,Depression +38266,i will always be a loser and nothing can change it if i become a billionaire if i date the most beautiful woman i will always be a sad loser it doesn t matter woman will always see me a an inferior person even if they like me,Depression +38267,i ll try to keep it a short a possible for the past year i have been struggling with frequent wave of deep depression lasting for day or week but at the same time i have time where im just ok dont have any self esteem issue self image issue and etc so in the end all im trying to figure out if this is normal or if it a type of depression though i couldnt find anything similar to it or bipolar disorder which also seems somewhat unlikely because i never have manic or extremly energetic episode i just want to know if what im dealing with so ill have a clearer idea about how to act further,Depression +38268,i finally have something to look forward to im starting a garden with my mom and she s putting me in charge of keeping all of the plant healthy im really looking forward to this and i hope this will help me slowly get better,Depression +38269,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +38270,i m wa waiting in the clinic waiting for my turn then a young woman who seemed happy came in and sat next to me a couple of minute later we started talking it wa le than a month since my first visit i thought that after a month or two i will be the same person a i wa before some event that i don t want to mention here mainly because it s unrelated to my main question in this post but a couple of minute later that thought seemed to be a wish because the mentioned lady said she had been visited by countless doctor and it is year that she is suffering from depression i wa frightened and wondering if someday i realize year have passed and i m also still trying to recover my mental health since that day i have seen some people out there who are under treatment for year or are treatment resistant are they special patient or it is true about everyone how do i know if i ll ever be cured and if so how long doe it take it scare me if i have to live with it for the rest of my life hence i m asking if any hope is there,Depression +38271,i have not felt normal in month i have not had a day in month my chest hasn t felt like it wa compressing on itself or a day that my heart doesn t thud through my chest i tried to figure myself out i tried to use resource but it so fucking hard to reach out when you feel like shit i attempted via shrooms to figure it out fucking stupid to some people i know half my trip wa good half i shook trapping myself into a corner a my jaw clenched the next day i felt great like i conquered something i told a friend that i didn t want to die i want to live two day later i am screaming in my room pissed off i hate myself i am actually going to go buy some fucking razor because my huge knife is dull it never going to end is it this fucking demonic shit will never leave me and it make me feel so horrible the dread of any task the feeling no one really want you there the anxiety you get when you talk to much about something your passionate about i can feel when someone distance themselves and they just did now my brain go a million mile an hour wondering what the fuck is wrong with me i no longer will trust anyone i can t take the feeling of it being able to end in disaster i hate my life i hate how i hurt people and can t fix them i hate how i stared in the mirror tripping ball but did not feel scared or mad or terrified i looked at a broken man trying to reach out and help the man i saw the stranger,Depression +38272,i wan na start by saying i feel like i have nothing left i m and i have no money broken car bad job abusive toxic friend i m so mentally broken i can t hold onto companionship i need attention from the people i love and i go crazy mentally when i m alone i ve finally reached the point where i can t think straight anymore i let my friend who i deeply loved and thought wa close with me take advantage of me and massively hurt me to a point where i m getting trauma because of the situation i got attached online to a bunch of people who wanted to care about me and told me that they loved me only for me to send selfies and their entire mood change i feel like a monster i m so filled with rage and bitterness and sadness the thing i take enjoyment in make me mad i constantly check my one friend status every min and see her happy with others and rage just shoot over me the thing they did to me affected me so much mentally and it s making me insane i can t cope anymore i need someone new i need this pain to lessen before i go crazy what do i do please someone tell me,Depression +38273,sometimes my life seems great and i tend to blow off my emotion to make myself feel better about my current situation right after graduating college with honor i suddenly wa hit the truth about adulthood expectation weren t suddenly brought up to my face and if i wanted to improve it wa completely up to myself if i wanted to reach it yet i wa complacent i started drinking heavily since i couldn t depend on weed anymore due to my job search which lead to me getting arrested for a dwi which resulted in me getting fired from my job 000 dollar later i met a woman that made me happy with who i wa and what i stood for and i m about to start a job at a national bank more recently we ve started getting into fight and she want me to get mad at her but i start falling in a self pity party and instead of getting mad at her i tell myself i deserve every bit of anger coming out of her i cower and just want thing to start getting better emotionally and don t know how to get there,Depression +38274,i am currently a senior at a prestigious college i worked really hard in high school to get there living a a lower middle class kid going to a high school that provided terrible education i never needed a pill or therapy or anything until my first breakup and my first year of college something shifted immediately suddenly i wa depressed i didn t have any plan for the future and i still don t over the year i used validation from sex with men social status and a crippling shopping addiction to deal and it ha been in and out but always there i started going on medication in college i am currently on anti depressant and vyvanse a i can no longer find any energy to do a single thing if i don t take it i hate it it make me even more miserable and my mood swing worse but hey at least i can get out of bed seeing my friend have the energy to go out on weekend them getting prestigious job being put together and looking at myself who ha no job lined up my partner is amazing but doesn t love me and i am in a shit ton of financial debt from personal debt like credit card to school loan i really lost any drive i had i ve been unhappy the whole time i ve been here for the past year it is absolutely fucking exhausting living like this my brain is always caught in negative thought loop i am so stressed that my neck and upper back are in pain i use kratom and other anxiety relief to cope my mood swing are horrible and even just fucking talking myself down every single day is so tiring i can t do this anymore i hate myself so much i hate my life i hate my diseased brain nothing help i m not even a good person a lot of the time knowing that i have to deal with this mental illness while working my entire life is too much to bear sometimes i am so angry i hit my head against the wall and hit myself with my hand i have so much anger and rage inside of me that never go away i don t even feel capable of learning anymore i am convinced my brain can no longer retain information and that i m just fucking stupid and worthless i want to die i really really can t take it much longer,Depression +38275,i m tired of trying to be happy i m tired of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after how many half glass is it acceptable to see them a half empty literally i have so much to say and i can t say a word small rant pardon my sudden lapse,Depression +38276,i had to take my dad off life support in september my mom almost died my mom ha abandoned me more time than i can count her and her bf of 0 year and a few other relative have been so abusive to me i m on disability and i m trying to find my first job at i get interview but no job yet i really only have one friend but i think he s trying to distance himself from me i m trying to save up for a car so i can drive to work when i get a job all of this is stressful i ve always felt like a bird in a tiny cage with it wing clipped my depression is coming back and i have a habit of isolating myself from all communication and i m feeling the urge to do it again i need advice on so many thing how to improve life how to manage my depression and mental stuff all advice welcome,Depression +38277,i don t know how i feel my mind is a mess and feeling are confusing i have no idea what i m doing or how to get better or if i m even getting better but i don t know anything and this probably make no sense but i just needed to vent a little,Depression +38278,so i wa on my way home from the gym and i noticed this guy wa driving in the middle of the road i thought by time i got to him he would have gotten over but he didn t i swerved out of the way at the last second but i hesitated and wa almost ready to just accept my fate is this normal,Depression +38279,i feel like i m going to go in a bad place mentally i keep trying to rationalize i can t control what others do but i can control what i think and how i behave it s hard the last time my anxiety wa this bad i ended up in the er i don t want to get that bad again but it s so hard i hate my mind i know that this anxiety is just going to put me into a deep depression,Depression +38280,so i ve been browsing this sub for a while don t have much to do today so i figured i might a well vent on here i guess to introduce myself i m currently and just recently left the active duty army to attend college on an rotc scholarship about month ago prior to that i wa deployed to afghanistan for about 0 month it s almost hard to even recall the person i used to be back then i wa so mentally strong and confident in myself and my purpose ironically despite working hour day seven day a week under constant threat of getting blown up i can t remember a time when i wa better off mentally like nothing in the world could stop me a i had a plan and wa going to stick with it and if i did end up getting murked i wa just fine with that too i stayed pretty safe for the most part although i did have a pretty close call with a rocket that landed in a ditch on the hill below the building i worked in it obviously scared the ever living fuck out of me and everyone else but after like 0 minute we were all laughing about how close that one wa and how if only the stupid guy had aimed higher he would have got u the whole affair really only strengthened my resolve and made the return home that much better getting back to the state wa probably the best moment of my life even if it wa right in the middle of covid lol i don t want to sound like i m trying to flex my great strength or anything i m just trying to describe who i wa then to who am i now a they aren t even remotely the same person problem started to arise for me around month after getting back after the novelty of being back home wore off i started to experience this weird sense of dissociation and depressive episode that would sometimes last for an hour to a day and then i would suddenly snap back to what i considered a normal state of mind these normally entailed feeling of hopelessness and dread like something in my head just wasn t ticking right and when it came to social situation it wa like i wa operating on a different frequency than everyone else like i could hear and understand them but there wa no emotion behind the word it wa distracting but manageable at that point and i just chalked it up to being burned out at work and figured once i got off active duty and into college thing would greatly improve fast forward to the first semester of college and unfortunately thing have not gone a i imagined in term of school and finance i m doing fine and everything is going according to plan externally but internally i seem to be slowly degrading bit by bit the depressive episode became more intense to the point where i would physically lock up tighten my muscle grind my teeth and it feel like my head is throbbing from all the negative thought it is nearly impossible to sleep in this state thanks to the extreme anxiety but then i would wake up the next morning and feel fine barely being able to remember how i felt the night before the cycle never stopped though and then the thought of well if you just ended it this wouldn t be a problem anymore started to kick in and that s when it really started to snowball downhill fast at this point in time it feel like i m in this depressive state nearly all the time it s only a matter of how bad it s going to be today the dissociative feeling have been cranked up to and conversation just feel like emotionless formality i can no longer connect with friend and family the way i used to like i said earlier it s like we re not on the same frequency if that make any sense the thought of suicide are ever present and feel like a big red emergency eject button begging to be pressed the only escape from these feeling are partying drug and alcohol which are great temporarily but eventually everyone go back to their life you sober up and reality slap you in the face even harder than it did last time i ve also developed a very odd fear of human intimacy that i really can t explain for instance i m a virgin which is a huge insecurity of mine and pretty embarrassing i know i always figured when i m in college i ll meet plenty of woman so there s no need to be insecure about it however i ve had several instance where woman have come onto me and i m totally comfortable with the conversation and flirty talk but once it get physical even just them grabbing me it trigger this instant fear and panic response and i make up an excuse and leave in a manic state then beat myself up for the next week about how much of a pussy i am this is honestly one of the major contributor to my broken self image a couple of week ago i randomly started bawling in my car for over an hour and honestly don t even remember why i m not eating much anymore maybe only like one meal a day and my cognitive performance motivation ha declined significantly my sleep schedule is a total mess i ll either sleep for hour and wake up from nightmare in cold sweat or sleep for and not want to get out of bed and face reality what really prompted me to post this though wa that last week i got really drunk and ended up putting a gun to my head without even thinking about it and then i realized what i wa doing that s when i kind of told myself holy shit man this is real and something is very wrong with you i need some kind of help i know but if i m diagnosed with any kind of mental health condition i ll lose my scholarship and i ve just worked too damn hard for it i ve openly told some of my close friend and family directly that i m having suicidal thought but the response is always oh c mon man your way too strong for that or you re just in a slump right now it ll pas a much a i appreciate having people who care for me and appreciate the sentiment it doesn t do much to alleviate anything i feel like i wa never meant to live this long and that that rocket wa supposed to kill me that day but i m living in some kind of an alternate reality where i survived and nothing make sense anymore at least then i could have died strong and confident rather than broken i had a friend who wa killed over there and honestly i wish i could trade place with him he deserves this life more than i do sorry i turned this into an essay but it feel good to get this out of my head for once if you read this long i hope you can relate or at least get something out of it and thank you finally i ll leave you with a song i ve been listening to on repeat for the past week lmao http www youtube com watch v ksjrcczo,Depression +38281,exactly year ago my mental health went down hill drastically i felt alone sad and unloved also adding up to that what i start realising now a very strange circle of friend one year after that nothing really changed and there were some point where it got even worse but then everything started to change i started hanging out with my people again even tho they did nothing for me when i wa at my lowest but who care my grade where decent and i started to get happy again most importantly i meat my now girlfriend which is a whole other story that s the thing that s going around my head most of the time atm but now i have been in quarantine for day and everything fall apart i can t stop thinking about stuff that make me sad everything overwhelmes me and my head hurt from thinking maybe you can call it voice but i m not sure if i make that up causo of the fact i have a high risk for schizophrenia it s am right now and i can t sleep maybe someone would like to text a bit that s what i did very often in the past dark time anyway thx for reading this,Depression +38282,i feel there is nobody in my life besides my direct family the last few year have been a process of self isolation and i don t know why up until a few week ago i wa relatively okay i don t know if my medication ha stopped working or if it s just all hitting me at once now but i feel terrible i literally go to coffee shop just for the social interaction with the cash register i need friend but don t know where to find them even though i m comfortable in social situation i ve never been so alone this is a plea anybody whether you are suffering or not please reach out to me if you want to talk about anything,Depression +38283,im tempted to choose death not through a bullet through my head or a rope or some pill but through starvation to test and see if my desire to die really is stronger than my carnal will to live to finally feel alive in my body a i weaken day by day and feel myself shrivel and decay just like how this depression ha been eating away at my mind i want it to symbolically show to be eating away at my body and to die gracefully paper delicate skin and bone lay over the ground carelessly wrapped in a blanket to be kissed by death to know i have a set amount of day left to live the people around me will be alarmed a i visibly start to die before their eye then ill finally see who care for me to atleast experience what it would feel like to not be obese once in my life,Depression +38284,i m a ci straight white guy with a good education and a decent job yet still i can t stop this incredibly self hatred i can t stop feeling so pathetic and desperate and worthless i should be so grateful for all the luck i ve been given but not doing so only fuel my self hatred even more i don t know if this is relatable and i don t know if this is just further compounding how shitty it is of me to be fortunate and still hate myself,Depression +38285,this person mean the world to me so this hurt more than i can ever describe from what they have told me they haven t really struggled with mental illness so how do i make them understand,Depression +38286,why cant it just fucking stop the pain is just too much sometimes all i wan na say is im sorry to the people i really care about i feel like a bad person who need to change and get better but i dont wan na do it for me i wan na do it for them im sorry i dont know whats wrong with me i really dont and it genuinely scare me maybe i should get help this is a wake up call ig fuck,Depression +38287,i wa texting my friend about something going on in life i wrote a fucking paragraph about it and how s it making me feel and what not and i got word back i m here for you the thing is i said i don t even think there s a point and she said whatever i can t help just go away i ficking hate people when they need me im always there but when i need them i m just a fucking burden but whatever i m a fucking idiot every time i need someone they are not here for me but anytime someone need me i am wtf did i do,Depression +38288,i wa always considered lazy by my friend and teacher growing up i never did the chore around the house or clean my room now im and i realise im just like my father he ha no friend he sleep all day except of when he is working he drink every night he never go out except of work and grocery he doesnt care about his appearance or hygiene my mom and sister always despised him and they have been mean to him because he doesnt do anything around the house and now they started treating me badly too my sister look at me with disgust they compare to my fater to insult me the truth is im extremly lazy i sometimes skip school because im too lazy to shower get up early in the morning and get dressed and all that stuff if i dont leave the house i dont even brush my teeth or shower my room is a mess and it doesnt really bother me that much it s just that im ashamed being disgusting doesnt bother me is that okay oh and i sit in bed all day i do study for school so i dont fail but i do it from my bed the thing is i am not lazy enough to eat i actually eat too much i do wish i would die sometimes but i think it is because i dont really enjoy anything except of being online all the time i am just too lazy to do anything else i dont know i might just be mentally lazy throwaway because i dont want anyone to see that on my main and thank you if u have read this far,Depression +38289,i never really noticed or i guess wa aware of my depression until a few year ago when i really started losing motivation and interest in my hobby i am a full time university student who work job and right now this depression ha taken a peak i live alone in a bedroom apartment with my dog my living situation is shit but it s not shit my apartment management renovating the entire building so i have drilling throughout the day which suck cause i work night and midnight so when i do need to sleep i can t i want to move out but i can t because i m literally paying cheaper than a bachelor s apartment anywhere else then there s school i don t even know why i m in school at this point i had a plan and dream for myself in high school and honestly my parent ruined that for me when i took my year off and chose to stay home just so i could move out they really made sure to make me feel like shit which just made me feel like shit throughout the four year of me being in university i m supposed to be graduating in spring and i wa stupid enough to go home during the reading week which created a huge confrontation between my mother and i which my dad got involved soon after and it went downhill from there i ended up leaving early and honestly after coming back from my parent house it s like my depression went on a downward spiral i used to have a little motivation to at least do the basic thing to help myself but i literally can t bring myself to do anything schoolwork is a drag and make me hate everyone one job i work at is completely great but i have had so many bad experience with being used by employer and fake employee that i m so pessimistic when i get there and i completely separate myself from other employee my second job is even worse because while i don t want to communicate in my first job my second job no one speaks english like literally the entire store is all people from another country it s kind of ridiculous because training is non existent i literally would be standing around if it wasn t for me having past experience working in the same kind of field the employee turnover is ridiculous and the supervisor when they can communicate to me only complain about how they are only working there so because of their visa but once they are full citizen they leave the hour go by so long and working in complete silence frustrating to the point where i had to start wearing earphone while i work and listen to music anyways after typing all of this i know i won t read it over so sorry for any mistake or thing that aren t clear i think honestly i m just too pessimistic and making excuse for myself but this feeling i have in me and the way everything in life is just so upsetting the breakdown and all the fucking cry like i m so over it and i just want to either be content or at least have some kind of method to get through all of this i m so exhausted and i feel like i keep getting the short end of the stick every time,Depression +38290,a i continue to learn about myself i feel so much of my depression stem from my personality temperance soul not designed to handle how our world frame itself i am nearing and my life is not going well nor ha it really ever full of trauma isolation depression confusion and anxiety never really worked at a real job when i wa younger i really never understood the idea that you get more comfortable with yourself a you grow older but for me it ha been true i have completely ignored who i am and all of the advice out there is geared towards let s call them person x x is data driven meticulous go from point a to point b in a line disciplined in their specific smart goal way craft category to understand and a lot more if you are an advice hound like me you have seen this person because nearly every piece of advice out there is built for x for you to succeed you must be smart goal oriented you must love the grind of this pattern dominated process you need to do it our way a this is the process i am not x i should have realized tho year ago a even when i play video game i couldn t stand tutorial i d skip all this winded text and i tried to brute force my way through intuition i am more fluid more random while i am constantly thinking and i am thought oriented i feel my thinking process is not quite a category pattern dominate i am best when i do not overthink when i shutdown my ego mind and just go do of course here in the u we have western value people will tell me to get over it this grind is the only way and that this is human nature maybe they re right but believing they re right ha failed me for year right now i am trying to break into a new field copywritig and i am horrified this field is completely dominated by x these tutorial are full of x way of thinking maybe i need to be x to do well in it this post wa sparked by a video that wa explaining the structure of a sale letter i think there wa 0 point thst you need to hit for a successful one which petrified and overwhelmed me btw copywriter think ai will never touch them but the more i learn about how pattern dominated sale is this is the perfect place for automation i mean right now a an example i am seeing a constant assault of people saying to hand write note and comment to active read these sale letter that are important problem is i don t read if i take note note taking is too bothersome it take me away from the text and my thinking of the text note taking for me is a seperate task not an extension of my thinking yet i am told i will fail if i do not do this process that i can not actively read and engage without this i don t know maybe it s true they always say study show this but they never cite the study so who fucking know seriously marketing and copywriting is full of people saying study show x but no citation i literally spend all my energy on just starting when i take note that i usually only read a page or two before giving up i know just grit and grind but i have never been able to but if i just read i can indeed read and get through the text i am not sure how i can do well in this new field or any field really i just don t feel built for it but i am sick of trying to find a field to get into i need to get my life moving i barely know how i work a i have constantly been pushing my o self into an x hole that i have never bothered to see how i function but maybe the x are correct i must be them in order to do really well in life i don t know but i hope i am not the only one that feel like this,Depression +38291,not sure if my adhd is on a slump or what but i have nothing i m really interested in right now and then the thing i wa doing also lost my interest so in a desperate attempt to stay occupied i tried some of my old game that i realized i lost the skill to play so then come the rage quit and now for the staring at the ceiling contemplating if this is a normal thing my depression or even just life being cruel i wish i could just enjoy something again,Depression +38292,i m so tired of this i don t even know where to start so i ll just say what come up out of the top of my head a i write this i came here so that i could vent about some college related stuff at the beginning of the semester i decided to enroll in class to pick up the pace and get on schedule to graduate i wasn t necessarily looking forward to it but i wasn t regretting it either until now that is since the start of the semester i ve been feeling like i just can t pay attention i find all my class to be extremely uninteresting and i don t even take note every week is just a struggle to get through it without any prep time for the next one i swear there hasn t been one week where i don t have any homework all five of my class have already given the first partial exam later than usual and a expected they were all essentially at the same time it wasn t until this week that all the result came back and obviously it wasn t pretty so for the first partial exam out of all five i got f s in of them a c pretty proud of it actually and a b i know that perhaps i haven t been trying my hardest since i really don t pay attention in class i watch the recording and study for them later but i wa devastated regardless i spent countless hour studying for them only to see failure hit my liver i have so little energy that i can t even cry about how i failed the first exam of of my class i ve been so stressed out that a rash started popping up in my neck and chest i ve never been failing this hard in my life and frankly i m scared i can t show my true emotion because i don t want anyone to worry and i can t talk to my therapist because of the time my study consume at the end of the day all i feel is anxiety and the despair of having to repeat class and be even further behind schedule for graduation,Depression +38293,feeling embarrassed about taking time off from work for grief depression i just recently lost a loved one about week ago and although the grief shock and mourning ha subsided i m now dealing with some depressive symptom that are making it a bit challenging to perform at work i tried to go back after only a week and i didn t do so well so my manager advised i take the rest of this week off to deal with thing and then come back next week i work in mental health so i have a very understanding workplace but i just feel so embarrassed about this a i m a graduate in a new job concerned people are talking about me worried about all that i m missing out on whilst taking this time off worried that it look bad on my behalf i m just feeling very ashamed atm even though it s not my fault i explained to my manager what i m going through e g depression lowered capacity to function and i feel embarrassed even about that just being so vulnerable feel very odd if anyone ha any similar story please let me know,Depression +38294,hi i m year old student who s moving abroad for university i moved when i wa 9 the first year wa super exciting and everything is going better than ever but since i started the real university i wa 0 y o everything is crashing down for me i don t have any spirit or willingness to study make friend or even do everyday job i always sleep and just do nothing else i changed my major once and changed to my favorite major but still i can do nothing i m always tired i feel like i m a useless potato who s just wasting everybody s time i only did exam in the span of year i can t concentrate at all i miss my old self i used to be the top student since i wa a kid and i don t know why am i like this right now my uni is a mess i have no friend and i don t even have the energy to try to fix those what should i do drop out isn t an option for me doe anybody have any suggestion thank you and sorry for my bad english english isn t my first language,Depression +38295,life is so fucked human are so fucked and cruel and hedonistic and trash and mean and disgusting humanity deserves to die out a a specie so this planet and the animal that get constantly fucked by u can finally have their rest,Depression +38296,hello my life is a rollycoster 0 year ago i married a wonderful man he wa everything to me im from spain and i met him in a navy base he wa a usmarine we had a baby girl in 00 and moved to camp pendleton i wa so happy in our house with our baby well one day told me that he wa going to irak so i wa so sad scared depressed and proud i spent all the time cry waiting for his letter and thanks god he came back home safe but he wa not mu husband anymore he wa a different man stress anger yelling all the time i spent 0 year trying to help him but even the cop came home and the cop told him that he had a wonderful wife and he wa going to lose me and that wa when my dad died i took my kid back to spain and a new life well year after that a met a man he wa olfer than me but i feel in love and now im stuck my now husband for year treat really bad my kid and me not phisically but mentally he is just i had a breast cancer year ago my exhusband wa there for me still have a good relation with him he is my best friend and now with depression sad anxiety and feel just love for my kid and i cant leave because it will look bad in my family and because finantially a cant go anywhere so i think i wont be happy and live this live well sorry i need to get this out of my heart i think with time i will be stronger because after the cancer treatment im just so tired depressed fatigue,Depression +38297,it doesn t help that they just split up meaning it s harder to spend time with them know i have many year left with them but i m only 9 they re amp 0 but i can see them ageing physically they re slowing down and all i want is to freeze time it hurt my heart,Depression +38298,every second i m awake is like a nightmare i want to wake up from except it s real life it s real life and i feel trapped in my head i like being asleep i like being shut away from the earth i wish i could sleep forever i hate life,Depression +38299,got graded e for three of my lesson and it triggered something in me it reminded me of how much a worthless degenerate that i am i m so fucking stressed out i never normally let it get to me but this year last year of school it ha started to hurt me on top of that my rib mostly center part arm and back all fucking hurt it s not even an ache there s this physical pain that hurt and it make me feel weak and even more depressed,Depression +38300,this is kind of a weird question this week ha been kind of low and slow life turned into a little more greyscale and i can feel an imminent depressive episode coming to say hey but i don t wan na do that right now i need to be focused right now on school for the near future and it s absolutely the worst time to sulk in my bed every day i know this is a fruitless attempt anyways but how do i block this episode out before my mind shuts down how do i recharge my battery before it even run out fuck you depression fuck you,Depression +38301,i ve always been told that student life is the best time of your life i want to laugh i live it a the worst my friend are all stressed and depressed by their situation overall i feel that people are afraid to talk to each other in person and prefer network and dating apps people are desperately looking for themselves they re going to school and they don t like it i feel like my generation is massively sad and lost in many way i m is it just me or is that you have the same feeling,Depression +38302,i ve been on zoloft for about week now and i m starting to feel uncomfortably neutral i usually dissociate in different way often feeling like i m in a dream but this feel like a different type of dream it just feel so off like i can t tell if it s a dream or not i m missing my normal suicidal absolutely miserable messed up self i ve been on antidepressant so far in my life and none have significantly helped me i feel like they re doing nothing but mushing my brain and making my vision worse i spoke to my doctor today planning to just get off of them entirely i ended up staying on them though a he said that me feeling neutral is a good thing he also said they shouldn t mess with my vision even though i ve seen ton of people say they can i don t understand why there only seem to be two option be extremely miserable and want to kill myself constantly and feel a billion other weird negative indescribable thing or take pill constantly feel absolutely nothing struggle to make sense of anything that s going on a if my mind is just completely blank and miss the other option i wish i could be one of the people that are genuinely happy and have reason behind it i can t make reason nothing about myself or the future matter to me and i can t convince myself otherwise i could still die right now and it would be whatever i just don t care about anything because i can t feel anything right now i just wouldn t want my family or friend to experience that that s still my only reason even now if i didn t have the worry of my family and friend grieving the death of me i d kill myself so i suppose i miss the constant presence of my suicidal thought but the desire is still there it s like there s an itch under my skin that i can t scratch and a ticklish discomfort in my chest i don t understand the feeling but i just miss the thought part of me think that it s only a matter of time before they come back and part of me is afraid that they never will it s so bizarre that you can practically become addicted to it perhaps it is the comfort of the consistency that i love and the change and uncertainty of what s to come that is so frightening to me that sound incorrect though a i just don t care about my future i just feel extra scared and disconnected in this current state of mind though i still want to stop existing to stop feeling this way i feel indifferent to the idea of suicide it feel le enticing but so doe absolutely everything in life i miss the enticement of suicide that i normally feel i want to want to kill myself i want to think about it constantly and that make me feel guilty it make me feel like all of these year i ve just been selfish subconsciously doing thing only for attention and that i m continuing to do exactly that however i know i ve not an emotional abusive relationship and genetics just messed me up i guess i have no idea i missed the abuse too before i started missing the consistency of my suicidal thought now i just feel indifferent to everything about her i don t know i m writing and deleting a good bit of stuff i constantly feel like nothing i m saying is even accurate i just don t know what s going on i just feel like i m in a white void mentally i apologize for my rambling and lack of structure in this post i hope this can at least bring some comfort to anyone out there who may be feeling something similar in any way,Depression +38303,hi i m an yr old guy from germany i had a quite good childhood exept that i wa bullied my low class in school and didn t have any friend now i have quite many friend and a good place to work but anytime i am alone i overthink everything and that make me sad my friend say that i am one of the happiest and funniest person they know but when i am alone it s the complete different i worry about my friendship my loved one and my family and that i am not good for this world i mean i am nice to everyone and try to make everyone happy but the most don t give back anything and i can t be mean to them and ignore them because my heart won t let me that make me think a lot i think i really need a person that i can talk to when i am sad and lonely,Depression +38304,during my therapy session today my therapist mentioned that when people struggle with depression it often affect their perception and decision making in dating i do not personally struggle with depression but i recently dated someone who doe i wa wondering how often doe depression affect your perception and decision making when it come to dating,Depression +38305,after month of not feeling well i dont recognize myself my skin is ghostly the texture of my face is bad along with breakout and other gross stuff my hair is gross and my body is just so mushy and gross now unhealthy food comfort me sm tho how can i maintain beauty body care with way le effort,Depression +38306,hello people i feeling today sad because i cry about my family we do not talk much it is not that fun to grow in a family like that because i wish we communicate more about feeling thought experience and many more thing i wish i can understand myself and express my feeling to the world sometimes i feel like a strange and think what i thought and feel is wrong i do not like that my parent and grandma always criticies me what i have to do and what is wrong and right they had father died 0 year ago suicied this aggression voice that let me feel stupid and childish i scare sometimes to say what i think because they will be aggressive in a physicil and psychic way it like they do not want to understand who i am im nobody it suck and thats the reason i want to write it here down because i do not want to hide myself i do not want be alone in this world i want to be a part in this society now im cry i want to be huge and to be listend i want to cry and say what i do not like i want to be like who i have to be i want to explore the world and myself i do not want do thing that i doesnt like why ha the world feeling have to be this way why i have to suffer like this i think people who ha depression need more attention because they suffer to much in this world thx for reading maybe u want to say something or not bye,Depression +38307,it s coming back i m sinking again i can t do anything in life i have superior study yet i can not get a job i have friend and a girlfriend but i still feel lonely because they are busy and i have nothing to do i m all alone with my thought and i ve been for too long it s all coming back again i even feel suicidal again they promised u a happy life if we put enough effort where the fuck is my happy life my job my own house the joy fuck them all i wan na burn the fucking world down and then end myself,Depression +38308,bliss peace rest ease solidified finite,Depression +38309,everything ha just been too much my job suck and i don t even make enough money to afford my rent my husband and i have had to go hungry while we wait for our paycheck which i might add are not nearly enough to get through the week i know i need to get a better job and this wasn t the greatest solution but i m tired of cry and it felt like a relapse when i did it but now i regret it because now someone is probably gon na say something and i m afraid people won t understand how i feel or just haul me off to a psych ward again,Depression +38310,is there anyone here who managed to get out of depression if so how did you do it i got stupid lost my creativity and memory lost my energy just everything i am a useless piece of meat who can t even do the most basic thing this life is not worth living i don t want to spend my 0 like this where do i start and what are the thing i should do,Depression +38311,it just hit me sadness is everywhere even when im happy it feel like im drowning in sadness,Depression +38312,i know that sound weird but i wa talking to my therapist yesterday about how i usually don t realize i am in a bad place until i am out of it and look back at that time long story short we talked about getting better at recognizing it and today i have been feeling really down and sluggish and angry wa i depressed yesterday but just didn t realize it not sure if this ramble make sense but yeah i thought i wa fine yesterday now i am not even though nothing in my life changed,Depression +38313,well the title say it all i ve decided to off myself after thursday im not sure how i m going to do it but i m tired of fighting for my life my in law kicked me out and i have to leave on or before the th of april i have no one and no where to go my husband refuse to get an apartment with me because he s not ready i have nothing good to look forward to and i know a soon a i move out he s probably gon na file for divorce so wtf is the point of being heartbroken and alone i m scared death is gon na hurt but it s what i have to do of course i m scared shitless but not being in pain anymore is better than surviving the worst,Depression +38314,nice weather here where i live spent a few hour outside grocery shopping i just feel like shit again couple everywhere guy with girl i like young mother father carrying baby or pushing pram around most of which are either my age or younger i never had a girlfriend i find it so hard to even meet woman platonically i never wanted to be a childless man i only have a few friend but they don t want to do much i struggle to push myself to try new thing these day a everything i ever done in life wa a failure obstacle or a setback i really want to kill myself i have been suicidal for year now suffered with general anxiety and depression for almost 0 year either i stay in my flat and just not get triggered by the outside world i e seeing couple and young parent or i end it the latter sound more appealing,Depression +38315,i don t have much of anyone that i can call a true friend and it can be very lonely at time i m looking to meet some people that i d be able to talk with about whatever,Depression +38316,i am just one step from committing suicide there isn t much left that keep me alive but in reality i want to life i want to be happy but i can t do it anymore nothing ever change,Depression +38317,i can t make friend because i m boring i can t socialize without offending someone unintentionally i have so many toxic way and view i m better off dead and not worrying about trying to fit in or be like by anyone anymore the more i try to get out and understand people the worse i feel it s been worse since hitting my 0 s,Depression +38318,in their heart they say it okay to kill yourself at least you didn t become school shooter terrorist psychopath killer etc etc and become a nuisance to other people,Depression +38319,had a psychiatrist appointment today she said she recommends lexapro to me but i am scared of the side affect and wether not ill gain lose weight if anyone in here is on lexapro could you please tell me what youve had a side affect and wether or not it worked for you thank you,Depression +38320,i ve been in therapy a few month cbt he mostly just advises me to try to stay in the present and mediate at first it seemed to help a little but the larger issue i have won t stop bothering me i make good money and i m not bad looking at all but i have basically zero friend and i haven t been on a date in over 0 year im and i ve been thinking about suicide a lot but i obviously can t tell my therapist or he ll get me emergency petitioned im really not sure what to do my anxiety and depression just seems to keep getting worse i can barely get myself to eat most day let alone exercise or try to talk to someone,Depression +38321,i need therapy and i finally fully acknowledge it i am an unemployment year old student in lebanon middle east not the u my parent are some old school arab folk that would never entertain the idea of me going to therapy and the fact that i could never share the real reason behind it only make thing harder and the possibility of them cooperating even more impossible thankfully i can figure out how to sneak to therapy behind their back and although i have it really hard money wise i could afford a mid to low budget therapist a long a it will get me anywhere it would be the absolute biggest financial burden ever but i guess i got ta heal my problem among a couple lesser one i am what would be best described a in my own word casually suicidal i have been for so long just wanting to die and although i have no intention to act on it it weighs a lot on you to be jealous out of all thing from people that die around you i am scared that talking about it to a therapist might make her have to break confidentiality another thing that i am worried about is that any therapist i d go to might not be okay with me because of my belief i am pretty certain that my nihilistic philosophy backed by my lack of religious belief would have to be talked about problem is that i live in a muslim community and in these community my perspective on religion isnt taken lightly what is your take your opinion and all of that sorry if the text is messy and all over the place i just wanted to journal and thought that i might use this opportunity to take someone s opinion a well,Depression +38322,i ll be 9 tomorrow and i ve been depressed on and off all my life i wa diagnosed at with mdd with manic episode i started a relationship with a wonderful woman last august before i moved across the country and i moved back for her this past december she ended up leaving me in the middle of january because of my mental illness this bout of depression ha hit me the hardest not only am i dealing with my mental illness but i m also dealing with heartbreak it s been over two month since she left me and i ve been stuck in bed pretty much ever since i m medicated and doing cbt but i find it isn t helping the way it should i m moving back in with my parent next month to get my shit in order before tackling life again any tip from this community to help me get better,Depression +38323,i feel so trapped and stuck i don t do anything all day long because i simply don t want to do anything period no goal or dream i don t want to be anything or have material thing like a house or car i just want to sleep i don t work or do anything productive everyday is the same and it just so boring being here and feeling like this i m not good enough for anything or anyone and everyone just ignores me anyways i have no friend never dated i hate how i look and it can t be changed i m lazy worthless hopeless i just can t take this anymore nothing work i think about suicide all the time i ve even looked up handgun but even then i need money and i m broke i just don t want to be here anymore knowing i m never going to be content and just a waste,Depression +38324,not regularly but sometimes i experience an existential agony wash over me i am not special so i figure there are many others who feel like this hello fellow me s pre tldr maybe you can relate generally i am entirely alone with only exception being at work in an office environment and grocery shopping no friend per say the course of time swallowed those for year i had strived to achieve a normie appearance lifestyle to correct the year of abusive upbringing to my credit i am quite socially competent and financially self sufficient now but new acquaintance just don t click i figure most people have their circle worked out already and on my end i can t easily relate to inauthentic people there ha been positive relationship in my life where i experienced belonging but those each have ended negatively despite my at time to my detriment effort to make a relationship work disappointment fatigue ha accumulated to a point where i have unofficially given up my interest are vast yet spread far too thin i discover i veraciously learn about i try i fail i abandon this tends to be my cycle which additionally sediment guilt of failure rarely i will come across someone who ha those similar interest and is successfully branching into that field and i feel a kind of envy or i could have been like that feeling t h e n i remember that surviving in poisoned soil is hard enough let alone growing tall i expect a lot more of myself than wa logically possible given the circumstance in essence i can not determine if i am in a temporary plateau of development or if i am permanently stunted and will be in this grey area limbo for the rest of my day i take pride in being useful honest and finding answer and i think good karma ha gotten me a long way too hope you have a good day or better than mine atleast,Depression +38325,i have a friend group at school yet i feel lonely and helpless i have anxiety and depression i ve always been a big guy 9 0 pound and i ve always been bullied for it i can t get a girlfriend because i m ugly and socially awkward i can t focus on school because i m always tired i can t talk to anyone about my feeling because i hate letting people into my bubble i miss the happy and innocent me at young age my mom left me with my grandma i hate to think what s gon na happen once she dy i hate myself i m ashamed of myself i wan na kill myself i m such a pussy i m afraid that god is real and i ll be punished i m afraid that when i die it will all be black and boring i don t know what s gon na happen if i do it if i fail straight to a hospital if my life doesn t get better i ll do it i hope if i do it i ll be reborn a someone normal and start over,Depression +38326,like i the people i know would get very sad if i commited suicide they maybe wouldent what the fuck am i talking about i wa well i wa feeling good just a few day ago but like it wa painfull it wa better to just krep thinking negatively but that hurt too and i font know what i might do in the future i dont like it i font want anything the peeople in my class are just they feel like they are just stupid baby that somehow wa getting educated in my school i hate every one of them my mind is a mess i just want to talk about stuff i dont know what to do my plan to escape depression hasnt worked either i dont have any idea to what to do i dont whant to return to my old state of mind it is horrifiying but at the same time comfortable i wa realy desparate i batteked against deppresion with my weird thinking style and plan but i cant do it any more i dont ser amy bright future ahed of me i want to help people with deppresion but i cant even help my self i dont know if i want to die even tough i have friend i feel lonely and when some one say anything about lonileness or depression i just cant control myself i get so angry that if givven the chance i would tip their head off then i feel guilty at my self i dont know what the hell is going on i am sorry for wasting your time with this post i am realy sorry,Depression +38327,that s just about it i m just too tired of myself i wish i wa strong like a lot of you are but i m just too weak to keep going after some thinking i think i m finally going towards my end but i don t feel scared actually i feel some peace i m not gon na do it today there s some thing i need to settle first but i think that s my last month in this place good luck everyone i wish only the best for all of you,Depression +38328,tw suicide and self harm so about month ago i had a failed suicide attempt which resulted in my week stay at the psych ward at the time i wa enrolled a a full time student in my senior year when i came back from my hospital stay i found that my school had little to no accommodation so i fell incredibly behind on my work this led to me failing my first class ever prior to this my gpa wa above a and threw my projected graduation date off since then i started a new semester and i again find myself in danger of failing another class required for graduation i feel like my depression make it impossible to succeed in my class every day i have suicidal thought and i ve been cutting myself more than usual i don t know what my next move should be add another semester i still have class left after i fail the one i m currently in i feel like i just want to drop out or else i might legitimately kill myself before i graduate,Depression +38329,hi reddit week ago i had an something like epileptic seizure nothing is diagnosed right now i ll have a meeting with a neurologist on friday all i think about it when i get my councious back people around me i live in a dormitory are terrified i love them and i don t want to see them like this i also see myself during seizure emergency doctor gave commend to take a video of me and it wa also so terrified me after everything got normal i don t want to inform my parent a well because they re far away from me in short i hate how i impact my loved one and don t want to inform any of them i just want to die at corner in peace,Depression +38330,i ve had this discussion with many people irl including my therapist who said that is very specific to you and i wouldn t go around telling people that lmao when i imagine a world where i have to live forever or i have to follow the natural progression of my age until i die naturally it make me feel suffocated panicked and claustrophobic in my own body the fact is that even if we have lost control over every single thing in our life at least at the very minimum we have control over if that life exists or not i take great solace in the fact that my being on this earth everyday is solely by my choice because if i wanted to i could end it at any point of course i don t because i have people i d be hurting here and i have thing i suppose i need to accomplish before i die but i d be a very big liar if i sat here and said that i don t cope by reminding myself that there is a way out there s always a way out,Depression +38331,hi everybody i m and have been suffering from depressing and full blown anxiety since i wa around year old i work at a supermarket and the work isn t physically demanding but my supervisor are just so negative about everything and everyone and every day when i come home my depression hit me harder and harder and i m back on the brink of being suicidal again i only work there because i have financial stability since i work hour a week i tried 0 hour a week but i couldn t i broke down cry and i have a fixed income and don t want to lose that stability i hope you are willing to take the time to read this and will be grateful for every tiny bit of support and my message are open for any of you mike,Depression +38332,so we paid a company 000 to lift our house to fix the crooked floor they installed these pier yesterday and started lifting this morning about an hour later the guy come up and tell u they can t raise it more than an inch because the foundation started to crack turn out that stabilizing the house is guaranteed but lifting is not we re now paying back a 000 loan for work that accomplished nothing i m absolutely crushed and the depression anxiety is raging in me so hard i don t know if i can continue this is just another devastating failure in my miserable life i ve been struggling to keep it together for my wife and kid and this wa going to be a huge positive thing instead i don t know if i can go on even for them they re better off with this hapless fuckwad out of their life i may overdose on something so at least it will be an open casket at my funeral and my wife can just tell my kid daddy wa sick i wa already severely depressed and this is just the final blow,Depression +38333,i feel a since covid hit my life turned upside down almost nothing brings joy anymore and nothing is interesting,Depression +38334,for me my depression severity ha gotten worse a the year have gone by it seems that each year is collectively worse than the last i get a huge pain when i remember not how thing used to be but how i used to be 0 year ago if i could i would go back in time knowing i can t and that i m doomed to worse depression each year is almost too much to bear the whole it get better thing ha not proven true for my life and particular journey with ptsd i felt even better closer to my trauma time hasn t healed it even with year and year of different therapy the farther i get the worse i feel overall doe any one else have this feeling,Depression +38335,i m f been struggling with depression for almost 0 yr i ve noticed that in recent year i ll have a or week long period of feeling so depressed i can hardly function followed by a few day or usually where i feel normal i m talking high energy normal appetite have a hard time sitting still easier to sleep thru the night etc just wondering if this happens to anyone else i don t think it s mania it just feel so drastically different from my usual depressed state,Depression +38336,i had a pretty bad bought with my depression over the last year i walked out on two job because i just couldn t deal and i wa jobless on the couch for about month nothing really mattered and everything felt overwhelming and hopeless i started working again and while it s only been two week thing don t feel a hopeless i m trying my best to keep it that way i just wanted everyone to know that it really can get better i love you all and i m sorry if this doesn t help anyone but if it help just one person then i feel like it wa worth the time take care of each other and yourself,Depression +38337,day of dental care showering skincare first thing in the morning i m actually proud of myself if i can do this for 0 day it ll become a habit adding a morning walk to this routine,Depression +38338,something except talking to people about it i tried it and i regret it especially my parent i m not diagnosed but it s so painfully obvious at least for me i don t even know why i feel this way it s making me unable to do simple shit and everyone around me hate me because of it memory loss is annoying too i swear if this shit is permanent i will fucking lose it,Depression +38339,i m just so disgusted by myself i don t want to do this anymore i hate myself so much and i can t stop thinking about blowing my brain out or taking all my medication when i get home from work in one year i ve ruined my life and future i fucking hate myself so much i feel like i m going to burst into flame i don t know how to live with this and after a year i ve realized i can t,Depression +38340,i feel so alone all of the time i have a job where i get along great with coworkers however i have no genuine friend no one to hang out with i just spend time alone after awhile anxiety creep in i feel like i m trapped in a box and can t get out i tend to struggle a lot with moving forward in life and part of it is i feel i have no one by my side alone in the world,Depression +38341,he always seemed happy we always fucked around and had a good time we always talked about thing that bothered u but he never showed any sign that he wa upset or depressed i still sit around thinking why and can never draw any conclusion that would make sense i m slowly coming out of the mental ditch but i handled it by stuffing a much alcohol in me a possible i m coming out if that ditch but it still bum me out i completely stopped taking care of myself and the house so i decided to clean up today because i just felt happier here is what a month of cope look like http imgur com a ce x there way more trash and beer can but i wa honestly too embarrassed to even show the rest glad to finally slowly be getting better,Depression +38342,i have no direction my family is made up of very successful people i feel constant pressure to live up to their expectation but right now i could really give a fuck about school i m trying to sober up but it s so hard to do when i have school to deal with it just suck i just got on here to vent i just wan na lay in bed but then my anxiety is like you re going to fail x i just want this to be over fml,Depression +38343,lately being dead sound perfect like i keep fucking up everything i can t keep a good job i can t get a job in my career i m stuck in call center where i m demeaned screamed at etc my current partner and i even though we love each other are rocky and say horrible thing to each other out of pain and anger some of his word really almost pushed me over the edge the last few day we may have a good life ahead of u but right now it doesn t seem like enough right now i can t stop hearing his horrible word hearing my ex horrible word too maybe he wa right maybe i just should,Depression +38344,i just finished it a few minute ago i got it from the local pubic library after waiting for it for several week i think it make for something very motivational and might be helpful to lessen depression too i won t give away the ending and don t stop listening until after the library if you re getting board once you get that far you ll continue,Depression +38345,so i live in a small country in asia in this country it s like if you love someone you get a bad reputation your mom or dad is shamed at school if their kid is caught dating someone who doe that and our phone are also being checked by the school to see if we disturb a girl or are in a relationship with them the parent here are like you can date after being married xd so yeah i am very annoyed and sad about the fact that i can t love someone cuz of these,Depression +38346,i m 0 and i m reverting back to my year old self hahahahahahahhahahahahahhaahahah fuck my life i hate everything i just want to not exist,Depression +38347,hi i have been using efexor and rexapin for depression and anxiety for a while before medication i used to eat so i wouldn t die but right now i want to eat everything especially sweet and carbohydrate food how do you control weight while taking medication waiting for your advice,Depression +38348,to preface i would like to apologize in advance for any posting informality this is my first reddit post i just graduated university in may of 0 and received a job at a global digital marketing agency agency life a a first job wa too emotionally taxing for my well being and gave me extremely bad performance anxiety i quit this job right before the start of 0 and have been looking for a job since i briefly had a job in february of 0 however a close friend of mine offed himself and i wa fired for taking time off to grieve due to this i started taking prozac and visiting a therapist once a week thing were going fine until i decided to drink on prozac one night and have a psychotic episode this episode caused me to get extremely aggressive towards my roommate for no reason i wa running down a list of accusation some true and some untrue however my girlfriend worried for the safety of my roommate decided to slap me in hope to end the episode terrible idea i know amp we have no history of domestic abuse this lead me into a meltdown where i called the cop trying to get her arrested for assault along with spewing false detail of thing that i wa hallucinating the cop soon realized i wa having an episode and luckily didn t press charge and talked me somewhat down from being aggressive once they left i packed up every item i own and drove hour to my family s house i don t remember anything until i wa almost finished packing my stuff i severely hurt my roommate and girlfriend i don t think about coming back because of how overwhelming the guilt will feel i m not sure what i should do and my brain is focusing on the permanent solution i guess the reason for this post is to ask for any advice or tip i didn t want to drone on regarding other incident so i ll leave a list below of what s happened in the past year cut off abusive parent experienced a few other meltdown due to work school stress lost a ton of friend due to self isolation took too many psychedelics which ha given me bad general anxiety wa arrested and impulsively moved halfway around the u before i wa ready to life for the past year ha gone continuously downhill for me i can t realistically see a way out of this,Depression +38349,guy i think i will be soon dead idk how longer i can take it drug and alcohol dont work anymore it all became so pointless ive got left nihilism is actual realism and i cant fuxking take it i just wish i could fuxking get eaten up by some black hole or destroyed by supernova idc at this point anymore i just wish to be gone for good,Depression +38350,sometimes i have strong emotion when i think about thing that happened in my life and how fcked up my life is since when i wa a kid till now and it seems that my life is ment to be doomed and sometimes i tell myself that i m tired of feeling emotion and i wish that i m completely numb to it sometimes i succeed to be emotionless to these feeling and sometimes it overwhelms me i m not sure what s wrong with me is it depression is it something else idk anymore,Depression +38351,laying in bed bored decided to open some of my old playlist on spotify started to listen to some song that my ex sent me the one we used to listen together all night i haven t listened to these song or any song of the one i used to love since we broke up i don t know what made me dig up this pain also there s a playlist she made specially for me but i don t dare to open it it s like i just opened the pandora s box of sadness and depression,Depression +38352,i have a pretty good life my husband is great we have our fight and stuff but overall he s amazing we have a nice apartment husband ha a job we have money for grocery and bill i m graduating college in may i think i ve got a good job lined up for after graduation my parent get on my nerve but they love and support me my sister is becoming a good friend a we have gotten older and not a annoying my in law don t really mess with u much anymore when they do it s nothing crazy but i still feel so sad all of the time i hate it i have no motivation i do stupid thing because i have no self control i just lay around any chance that i get i m not productive i just hate myself i m not a fit and i don t take care of myself anymore i have little desire to i just am wasting away then i get mad at myself because i shouldn t feel this way i have reason to be happy i m just not,Depression +38353,im currently taking psych med zoloft buspar and lithium i also take topamax and gabapentin for chronic migraine but my psychiatrist like to consider all of these psych med even though the topamax and gabapentin and prescribed by my neurologist and i felt no difference in my mood when going on these med ive taken zoloft and buspar for over year and lithium for over year now amp x 00b i wa recently diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia by a sleep medicine doctor and they recommended me going on modafinil my primary doctor said this medication would probably help me a lot and i wa really looking forward to maybe having some energy again and doing something other than sleeping lol the sleep doctor wanted my psychiatrist to prescribe the modafinil but my psychiatrist almost gave me an ultimatum she pretty much said that if i go on the modafinil she want me to come off of one of the other med amp x 00b i told her if that wa the case then forget about it i really didn t want to risk my mood slipping again especially because it not like my mood is a 0 0 right now or anything it okay but i don t consider myself happy or cured she then compared me being on so many med i also take med for hypothyroidism and high cholesterol to watching someone smoke 0 pack of cigarette a day and how unhealthy it wa being on so many medication i guess im just confused and hurt i have been seeing her for probably year and she put me on the lithium but now she want to take something away i have voiced to her many many time that i do not feel comfortable doing this but she continues to bring it up and now it like she doesn t want to prescribe this other medication because im on other med amp x 00b i get that i am on a lot of medication but they all are for their own purpose anyone have any idea of how to move forward,Depression +38354,doe someone feel the same i don t want to be alone with this feeling it s misery,Depression +38355,my whole life i ve dealt with the trifecta of depression anxiety and ocd i wa always functional with all disorder clocking in at maybe a 0 depression always felt like more of a chemical thing it wa never situationally based anxiety amp ocd were usually health related hypochondria i guess anyways i never knew episode existed i always just hovered at the same baseline then in 0 i had a severe panic attack after smoking some potent weed it really shook me and it sent me into what i guess would be my first episode it wa my first time experiencing dissociation and it terrified me i wa in a constant state of panic for month at the time i had been on lexapro for year my gp wa ill equipped to deal with this so she recommended a new doc for med big mistake new doc decided i should quit taking lexapro and switch to zoloft which perhaps would have worked if she had done it correctly instead of cross tapering or weaning off lexapro she decided to have me stop taking lexapro cold turkey wait a month until it wa out of my system and then start zoloft going cold turkey off lex wa a nightmare of biblical proportion and sent me further into the most intense depression and anxiety i d ever experienced after a hospital visit they suggested an outpatient program i agreed and there they got me back on the lexapro after a few more long month thing evened out i returned to a manageable baseline although the depression wa a tad higher because i could no longer self medicate with weed the experience ruined weed for me would immediately send me into panic mode but still thing were going well fast forward to january 0 and suddenly out of the blue i wake up one day super depressed no appetite couldn t sleep at night i wa so confused my first episode had a clear and obvious trigger panic attack ill advised cold turkey med change i d never had something like this happen with no trigger that s when i started to dig deeper and found out that episode exist this time i had a doc i trust added remeron which wa awesome at first felt better than i had in year wa sleeping and eating great for about 0 day then splat all that went away back to square one and i even developed tinnitus from the remeron so i nixed the remeron and we decided to switch from lexapro a well but the right way this time i did a seamless cross taper to effexor i m on my th week of it went from 0 my last day on the lexapro wa last friday which wa the day i did the increase to 0 thing have improved slightly def not where i wan na be tho i now know that episode can last anywhere from day to month or longer so i m trying to be patient it s tough tho eventually i may have to decide whether to increase effexor again or augment with something else an aa perhaps not sure what i meant to accomplish with this wall of text but if you read it kudos to you i guess i just wanted to document this strange journey maybe you ve been through something similar or know someone who ha maybe you can offer advice which i d welcome either way i hope whoever is reading this is doing well and i wish you all the best of luck in this thing called life,Depression +38356,i m so exhausted and i can t stop sleeping staying awake is a struggle i just feel like shit staying awake just make me want to sleep maybe i ll take a nap again,Depression +38357,been depressed lately and it hurt like hell getting out of bad is a chore thought of non existence are a comfort silver lining i ve been completely disillusioned my ego ha been shattered i no longer pretend i m living a good life that i m happy that i m not lonely or that i am in any way special from now on it will be brutal honesty to myself and others which before i couldn t imagine i suck my life suck most people are much better than me in every way it is what it is i ll try to cope and do the best i can in this hard lonely existence i don t seem to be equipped to handle no more lie fight on brother and sister,Depression +38358,i wa having fun earlier playing video game nothing on my mind but a soon a i stop i snap back to reality and think about her and what we used to be it s been like week of our breakup and day of no contact she say that there might not be another chance for u even in friendship i love her and idk what to do with the pain and guilt i have depression and anxiety on top of that and my therapist said that im feeling this way due to trauma of rejection i didnt have a good past a i wa taken away from my abusive parent at year old being with her made me feel normal like i didnt have these feeling but now that shes out of my life theyve come back but worse i dont know how to keep living the only thing keeping me alive are my current foster family and friend i feel so sad all the time,Depression +38359,hi everyone my life s pretty difficult now i hate it i feel like i can t do nothing about it i ve been unemployed for about month i quit my job because it wa a hell hole literally a hell hole they treated me like shit it wa toxic i got physically and mentally sick but i kept pushing until the point were i physically couldn t get up in the morning so i quit i ve been battling health issue and depression ever since i quit my family and friend are shaming me and trying to force me to look for a job i m just not sure if i m ready i m too scared i think i wa traumatized from my past job i m just too scared to find a job and get hurt again like i said i ve still in physical pain and it s really hard to look for a job while you re hurting i ve been seeing a psychiatrist for the past month i ve gotten better but i m still too scared to look for a job any advice,Depression +38360,my year relationship ended about a month ago for me it feel like it just happened yesterday every time i wake up i remember this person is no longer in my life i check my phone constantly throughout the day knowing there won t be message from them anymore i haven t accepted that it is over they were my first for everything it s hard right now because i m not working and sometimes i get a week break from school i ve had free time before but i haven t had free time without speaking to them constantly in year so i feel super lonely and i don t know what to do most of the day i spend in bed i wa diagnosed with depression about a week ago i have probably eaten le than 00 calorie a day for the past week which is just making the depression worse because there s no fuel in the tank sometimes le than that because i have no desire to eat i just feel nauseous i wa doing better somewhat until i decided to reach out to this person to confirm whether or not we could contact each other again and thinking we could possibly be friend in the future i got a message from this person about a week ago stating that it wa completely over a far a ever communicating with each other again and also my dog died so i lost the two thing i cared about the most all in the span of a month and long story short i harassed that person because i wanted them to talk to me i wanted to say goodbye properly and i wanted them to say goodbye properly because it didn t end well and i wanted to fix it i have always tried to fix thing and be perfect and never make mistake i just wanted to fix it i definitely made it way worse by spamming them i didn t mean to i have always tried to be a good person and do the right thing and treat people the right way and now i don t know who i am anymore i feel really really bad about it i would never actually do anything to hurt this person this person knew me more than anyone in my life ever ha i really didn t understand that what i wa doing wa harassment i thought if i messaged them enough they would understand me and talk to me but that wa not the case i tried to message them on multiple different platform and begged for them to speak to me most of the time i sent the message i wa in the middle of one of my panic attack or cry on the floor and sometimes i would try to reach out super late at night when the depression get the worse i would like to add that i ve never experienced heartbreak before and i ve never had anything this bad happen to me my mom s car accident affected me year ago but this wa a different kind of pain i even sent them money through a money transfer app just so i could send a message because i wa blocked on everything else i know that i m not okay but i don t know what to do or how to fix it it s worth noting that this person life very very far away so when the relationship ended i knew i d never see or hear from them again and i couldn t handle not having this person in my life we had talked messaged each other every single day for year and we had traveled to different place together over the last year my life ha always involved this person i don t know who i am without them the only time i m not in pain is when i m sleeping and even then i have dream about them but we are still together in those dream so when i wake up the realization is brutal i thought they were my soulmate and that we would be together forever and grow old together one day i think it s hard because i remember u promising to always be with each other and have each other to love each other forever i think i could maybe deal with the relationship ending but i can t let go of the promise we made and when i remember this person isn t in my life anymore it make me physically sick sometimes i get actual chest pain i m 0 and i don t think i m capable of loving someone else ever again i knew this person wa special from the moment i meant them i hesitated to ask them out because i knew there wa a possibility that relationship could end and i never wanted to have this person out of my life i wanted them to always be my friend and didn t want a relationship to possibly ruin that it did in the end anyways i lost my best friend not talking to them every day feel like a part of me is gone missing it doesn t feel right that we re not together anymore it feel like they died it feel like the universe isn t going right like it s not in alignment and this wasn t suppose to happen i don t think that we aren t suppose to be together it feel wrong they were suppose to come visit soon but now it s never going to happen i had already practiced how i wa going to show them how the shower work because everyone s work differently bought spare soap moved thing out of my room so it would be quieter at night for them planned the place we were going to go and thing we were going to do imagined u going to get food and sit in the car and talk how i wa going to show them new thing and comfort them during the long car drive the movie we were going to watch etc it s not happening anymore now i can t do any of those thing without breaking down how do i let this go and i definitely can never get on another plane again because i ve only ever been on plane to see them i wa at my happiest when i knew i wa on my way to them even though it usually took 9 hour total to get there i have deleted almost all our picture together but all the gift from them and their family are in my bottom dresser because i can t bring myself to get rid of them some of them were very special meaningful gift i wa there for christmas and i don t know what to do with them i don t feel like i m capable of throwing them away i am unable to open the dresser and look at them i feel like i m a bad person because this is not something i thought i would ever do i still love this person more than anything but i am going to go to therapy today so that i can work on moving on i can not do it myself i will never message them again but it s too late to take back everything i did and said i even said i hate them i wa so angry but i m incapable of hating this person even in my anger i could never hate this person i said it because i wa so hurt i wa told that i am going through grief i couldn t apologize because i m blocked on everything understandable so it s probably best that they leave me blocked for now because i m afraid that i will get angry sad again and say thing i don t mean or beg them to talk to me i also sent a letter to them where i said some thing when i wa angry but they won t receive that for week do you think they will ever forgive me one day for the harassment my intention weren t to scare them i needed to talk to them to stop the overwhelming sadness i thought that they still cared about me i think i wa begging them to still care i thought if i told them everything going wrong they would comfort me because our relationship had been so strong do you think that they will know that i m sorry am i a bad person for doing what i did,Depression +38361,maybe is a defense mechanism idk but a few week ago i really tried all the fake it until you make it schtick for a few day it wa fine and people at work were impressed however soon i started to make mistake and i went overboard because now everyone is pointing out my flaw i wa a cry mess and i felt super weak and exposed today i reversed back to my usual you are worthless you really thought you could achieve something mental mantra and somehow i feel better it is like it feel better if i am the one saying it and not the others i feel so effed up for being relieved a i am now i really thought i wa getting better and believing in myself for a change but i guess i am not just built that way,Depression +38362,no reason in life,Depression +38363,last night i got high and drunk same time wow what a night but i wa alone usually i get really in my head when high and more depressed but i think the alcohol countered that anyway whats weird is i ve woken up today in a super positive mood my life situation ha not changed but i just see it differently i m alright with where i m at positive that i ll get where i need to i feel really optimistic and i m worried cause this is so sooo rare to me i m scared it will go away i haven t felt this happy in year but it s made me realise that happiness is not the absence of problem but it s the state of mind you have about your problem,Depression +38364,only month ago around christmas my dad nearly died and wa in a coma for week my mum and brother were thrown into a depressive state whilst i tried so hard to get on with life and be strong for them only last month my relationship with my brother wa completely destroyed when my family confronted him after finding out he d stolen hundred from me and my parent i wa hurt and betrayed so badly but wa able to forgive him and try to move on even if he didn t feel the same way after fighting against all of the pain my life ha brought me through my family and relationship these past few month i finally started to feel like i wa making progress and becoming a better person for everyone in my life yesterday i woke up to a paragraph text message from my girlfriend of year telling me she didn t love me or want to be with me anymore and i ve finally caved in i m so sick of trying so hard to be strong every single time i resist another force come down on me i give up and i don t want to do this anymore she wa my comfort and best friend who i could go to for anything now i feel like i have nobody who understands me and nobody who want to listen which is why i m typing here because i m so lost and broken i will be so grateful for any kind word,Depression +38365,hi i am 9m from india and i am currently going through a major crisis of my life my mother is a very abusive person she ha been physically abusing me since i wa i have burnt knife mark on my body which she called punishment she once threw me off the stair because i cracked two egg while bringing them home i have been subject to her verbal abuse since my birth i believe one of the incident which is still intact in my head is when i wa and she threw the knife on my face because i told her i do not want to go to some place with her i have been with her and growing up all along i always thought these thing were normal until i met new people i really get suicidal thought at night and i want to move out of here my father is separated and i have no idea where he is ita been more than a decade since i ve met or even talked to him all i know is that he sends money to my mother last year he did not send a single rupee for many month because if covid so i had to do some meagre job to earn something i had been doing that but now i want to complete my education and get a degree education here is very expensive i have graduated from my high school in the year 0 0 and had to take drop year because of pandemic and to basically stay alive now the situation is quite better at my home my dad is sending enough for u to eat when i talk about my study my mother straightforwardly decline and asks me work i really don t want to work i have to move out but i have zero backup and there are no part time job here in my country to move to another country is a very difficult task but it might change my life i would really need some advice and if you could just help me a bit it would be really great thank you for reading so far also i am sorry if i offended you by talking about my own mother like that i really do not know how to handle thing right now i am really sorry and thank you for reading i d appreciate if you can talk to me,Depression +38366,my therapist asked me if i need anything but i never know how to answer this yes but i don t know what to stop feeling this way i just feel worse for not having an answer so i say i don t and than i feel even worse i just want to be ok but i don t know what that will take especially in a crisis,Depression +38367,hi i am very sorry if this is the wrong sub for this post a good friend is going through a though depressive episode right now and since we live in different country we mostly hang out by playing game online we joke a lot but my humor a well a hers can get quite self depricating so i want to change my type of joke and how i talk in a way that boost her self esteem instead of lowering it i am really bad with word so if some of you have concrete example for how i can turn a joke or a phrase like bruh we are so dumb lol etc around to something positive would be really helpful just imagine you have to teach a toddler with atrocious social skill how to be a supportive friend,Depression +38368,i had an interview for a new job today it s the th one i have had in two week even though i wa the only candidate that showed up they said they had their hope on someone else i am a grown person an i can t find a real job every interview i m just not a good fit this company reached out to me i feel like there is a sign that only other people can see that say i m trash i am unworthy i don t know what i m doing wrong but i know it s me i know i m the issue i am going to be stuck a white trash customer service agent till i self check out there is no other way out for me no one will miss me when i m gone an everyone will be better off with out me i feel selfish for being scared to go to hell that s what i deserve,Depression +38369,i m 9 and haven t done anything with my life i ve disappointed everyone in my life the woman i thought i wa gon na marry left me and won t even talk to me anymore i started therapy and medication again a few month ago but it only doe so much i don t really have any friend i work only a few day a week and can barely handle that i don t find pleasure out of anything anymore i don t have anyone to turn to and everyone who ever loved me ha either left me or died all i do is sit home alone and try to distract myself the best i can but i honestly see no light at the end of the tunnel i know it s pathetic but i swear i m trying the best i can but i don t know how much longer i can,Depression +38370,today i wa late for my high dchool by accident because they decided to change the plan and only send the notification about it on soem stupid school app that i don t use and so when i arived i wa hour late someone from my class saw me and started to talk to me like to an idiot i wanted to say somethinf but not even one word could came out i almost broke into tear over something so simple i wonder why people do this doe it give them some satisfaction or something like that i have no idea what are your idea,Depression +38371,do you guy also have the unbearable urge to just step out of your door one day and leave i can t take it anymore i tried for year to get happy or at least not miserable but all i do creates more critic and now i m not even at peace when i m home i have no hope finding peace success or even stability at home and just vanishing seems to be the only thing left to try sometimes i just wan na get in my car fuel it up and leave everyone and everything behind sleeping in the car and go wherever sadly i wouldn t even have the money to even last a month,Depression +38372,feel lonely feel alone feel restless angry annoyed jealous just like everything s a let down have no friend no significant other family is somewhat sad and broken no job no confidence i m just here living every f cking day over and over again some people from my family can be cold not understanding i hate depending on them for stuff and hoping to get help when they don t even want to i want to be independent and i m sick of it already can t talk to some of these people about serious topic or about truth because they don t want to hear it or won t listen nothing make me feel happy and all i ever hear is all i do is drink or go out and yeah i do cause this shit is sad and it s only time that it s not and i wan na meet people and idk it s just hard i m tired of sitting there in my feeling,Depression +38373,i m honestly at the end of a dead end and idk what to do with my life there s almost no option and people aren t supportive at all i like to bounce off my idea on other people but everyone tell me to stop complaining pick myself up by the bootstrap and solve my own fucking problem thanks i m cured,Depression +38374,ensconced in thought diametrically opposed graduated in fear and all it frill untouched day can only be so new with a mantra old is love for loving s sake hail the dawn,Depression +38375,every single day i just wake up miserable and an insane urgency to immediately end myself everything is just empty now nothing really get me excited and i don t even have anyone to talk to cuz most of my friend are just not that close my family is much worse a nobody ever care about each other i have a father but i don t have any father figure cuz he wa and is never there for me ever i can t even share anything to anyone cuz everyone just tell me that it s normal for people my age to experience the thing i am going through i just absolutely hate my life and everything i literally have no will to live i even sometimes subtly and unintentionally put myself at dangerous situation to like somehow get myself killed even though everyone just say it s normal to experience these at my age i don t see anyone my age talk or even behave the way i do i also hate the fact that i am self aware of every way i am behaving but still can t seem to help myself fix those thing i really really really hope everyone is living better life than me,Depression +38376,hi you all my first post in here i have to write my story down i m curious if there are more people in this im a 0 year old student from the netherlands i want to become a teacher at primary school my education take year right now i m re doing the third year i struggle with my past i do not have had a save bonding with my parent and family and in that time i wa bullied at primary school at my th i got involved in a situation of sexual unacceptable behaviour that wa the last thing what made me stop for a short time with my study that year i had a lot of spare time and after that year i had to start again with that year of my education the hard thing about it is my problem are not solved in that year off i had therapy but it wasn t the right fit for me after the therapy i thought i could start over but right now i notice the problem are coming back again the situation is right now i have a lot to do for school in week there is a big deadline and it is almost impossible to fix the stuff i have to do there is a lot of work to do but i am not motivated at all to do something i lay in bed till pm or do something i like to do and isn t nessecary last week i went to the doctor to start therapy again i think that is a good start i really want to go on with my life but i am so tired of it all i want to stop not facing my problem and do something easy but that isn t the solution im so alone in this all i have told some friend but not my parent cause they will be so judgy after a year of doing le work than the other year for me it is very hard to go on to concentrate on something and to end it i m afraid i lost my dicipline and i know i have some other problem which i want to fix by therapy i feel like a failure and i m sad and mad a good friend of mine said it is normal that i am not motivated by the problem i have about my past and familysituation that i don t have to ask my self too much she is way more kind to me than i am to myself on the other hand i don t want to be too kind in some way i have to do more well this is the situaition i live in i wonder if there are more people who share a part of my situation,Depression +38377,i am and have been battling depression since throughout the year i ve been on anti depressive pretty much the whole time just when i feel like i m maybe stabilizing or dare i say it getting better i go crashing back down to the bottomless pit of sadness right now i m on vacation in a tropical island a dream for me yet here i am constantly emotional and unable to find joy ha anyone ever gotten over depression for good or will this plague me until the end,Depression +38378,i little personal reflection here i guess i ve been working so hard to not want to kill myself trying to give myself space to heal while also when possible pushing myself to get back to life and i ve been doing amazingly going from my day being filled with trying to not want to die to actually cleaning my appartment and doing thing the last couple of week have definitely been a relapse of my pet who we re the reason i wa keeping myself alive and getting out of bed in my deepest moment have died within the same month in dramatic way i ve been trying to keep my head above water and to keep doing what i m suppose to do and the longer i tried to do it the more i went back to feeling like life is a never ending cycle of doing the same shit thing till you die i ve been feeling more and more again like it doesn t matter how hard i try and today it just became to much i m sitting here alone in this messy appartment that i m never gon na get under controle my partner is out all day and i just feel pain being alive again so i selfharmed again after month of not wanting to do it nothing serious or permantly damaging i ve never done something permanently damaging it felt both deliberating and just sad deliberating cause it did help me and calmed me down in the moment sad because you never wan na have to do this to stay alive and okay enough i don t really feel guilty or bad about doing it relapsing can happen right two step forward step back and i guess i also feel calmer about it knowing that i did get myself on a upward slope so that mean i can get myself there again so i guess i feel hopefull while feeling like this so i guess i m not doing well but i ve been getting back from worse,Depression +38379,i have already given up on my life cuz i have realised no matter what i do nothing ever gon na make me happy happiness is an illusion a myth and it s always the next step like do this after that you will be happy do that you everything will be fine but that next step where the door of happiness exists never come we are always step step back to happiness most close you can get is that you can knock on the door,Depression +38380,i feel like my body is just a piece of meat i m forced to watch destroy itself it s like there is beeings inside it me and an animal that doe and interacts dumb and not a it should and i can t change that a i am not the one doing all of this bad thing but the other beeing here is some context so you don t think im a serial killer im i m in my last year of highschool and i got big final exam that will decide if i go to college or not or a my dad say if i get to live a nice life and have a good job or be unemployed and a shadow that cover the earth with no meaning or purpouse my mom is the one that understands me better and try to help me and belief i will make it in life she even decides to lie for me regarding some bad grade so my dad doesn t get pissed off i am doing extremely bad in school math is my kryptonite when i say i do extremely bad in school what i mean is i can t get myself to study i have some decent grade but not anything crazy let say im doing okay besides math oh boy at math i have a strict teacher that look like jabba from star war im a hypocrite also everytime i get a math test i feel like i did okay only to see my grade and be disappointed in myself i really don t like studying right now im doing this to avoid doing my homework i i feel like i am watching myself ruin my life and i can t do anything i feel like i m watching myself act like i shouldn t there s no worse feeling than knowing you are wrong but can t change yourself i just want to get my exam and make my parent proud i don t want to make my mom sad anymore but my other side would do anything but what it should im honestly soo dumb i wish i could get myself to do this every second of my existence i think about my exam how am i going to fail them and how i can t change this this is beyond pathetic some people have serious issue yet im making all of this bullshit in my brain im just soo stressed everytime i wish i could just get a seizure and end this im sorry i don t even know what help should i ask for even if i get any advice i can t guarantee ill take them my brain is on another level of fuckery i ll end this rant in a positive note i hope i m doing my homework and i understand it while you are reading this i really hope i make it past this month after im done with my final,Depression +38381,i don t know if it just my ocd acting up or if it some real trauma but in high school i had a friend that really lowered my self esteem told me that i have no one to talk to always alone more i speak the dumber i sound kind of treat me like shit at every possibility sometimes trying to embarrass me in front of other it wasn t just towards me but i think because i wa so nice to him he took advantage of that anyways it been year and it still bug me i did have therapy and to be honest it wa quite useless there is simply not much a stranger can do to help my situation i wa always a very sensitive avoidant person and running into a person like that really destroyed me not just that but hate that i didn t stand up for myself my therapist recommends meditation and slowly getting yourself out there but almost none of it help i don t understand why someone would come into someone s personal space and violate you for no particular reason he didn t do that because he found it funny just did it for the sake of it i hate disagreeable people like him and fear running into people like that i also stated skipping class from then on i spent the last year of college in my room skipping nearly all my class,Depression +38382,lately i ve been suffering from a lot of sadness i even struggle trying to get up of my bed i don t know what is happening to me i m only and i already want to km i m so sick of school i don t understand anything and it just make my head hurt i can t keep going like this i don t know how to feel better i m already seeing a therapist and taking medication but it doesn t work at all please help,Depression +38383,it s so hard getting out of bed going to work and pretending you don t have a million thing on your mind it s so hard having a conversation with a coworker pretending that you re okay it s so hard smiling at the customer while you wonder if they can tell you re not really smiling it s so hard to put on a mask everyday so you don t hear are you okay i don t want people to ask me if i m okay because i m not even sure how to answer,Depression +38384,what s dating relationship like for the rest of you more specifically i m curious what it s like for those of u who have partner do they make it easier or harder are they supportive patient understanding and partner of those struggling with depression i would love to hear from i am incredibly lucky to have a partner that is all of those thing yet sometimes that can make me feel so much worse i m a huge burden on him a huge worry every night he call every cut he cry for everytime i pitifully sob in his arm he cradle me and tell me it will be okay and yet he try to keep his shitty day to himself i feel like he s disconnected me from his emotion so i have one le thing to worry about but i want him to talk to me i often feel like i should break up with him to spare him from me i know he can do so much better but i promised i wouldn t make his choice for him and i meant it i love him too much to even see that a a real option often time he s the only person i talk to all day the only reason i take care of myself leave the house work for him i don t want to be a weight on his shoulder,Depression +38385,i sometimes wish i could do it just finally end it then i catch myself and i tell myself why i am here for me i am so tired i am tired of working my 9 job i am tired of repeating everything over and over again i feel like everything i have in my life i destroy i am trying my best to move on from my break up i reflected and i pushed him away i wa toxic i feel like a shitty human being that maybe doe deserve to die if i could take it all back i would i tried so hard to keep the relationship healthy that in the end it wasn t the worst part is i made him feel like he couldn t even tell me how he felt the day he discussed it with his friend wa the same day we hung out he never said a word i just don t want to be here right now i just want to disappear i ruined everything in my life i am done i m not going to end it because thinking of the pain i cause others hurt but being alive hurt me more,Depression +38386,i ve been just waiting for over a week and i can t do it i m making 0 progress on everything i m not even going outside anymore never happen before and it s not because of anxiety i just don t want to i don t care about the consequence i guess i just kind of gave up i keep waiting for something but it s not gon na happen i went from feeling like shit to being a completely unproductive piece of shit genuinely one of the worst decision i ve made in a long time but i m too far in to give up and getting off it is supposed to be even worse mirtazapine g then 0 last few day increased my appetite but i can t be bothered to eat helped with sleep but now i can t get up what am i supposed to do have to wait a few day for follow up with doctor,Depression +38387,yea what the title said,Depression +38388,when people ask me what i wan na do or what my plan for something is i always kinda give a vague idea or like say very generic thing everyone around my age might be saying like oh i wan na move out and pursue this or that type stuff but in reality i don t even know if i want to be here i think that my lack of proper planning for thing or goal setting is because when i wa younger i had to go through a lot of difficult thing that traumatized me and made me minimize the space i took up not only in everyone else s life but in my own so much to the point that i didn t even think i wa gon na make it to the age that i am today i really only planned on being here a day longer than i wa yesterday and eventually it s added up and i have been here for this many year i don t know how to look forward or plan for thing ahead farther than tomorrow really because i never intended to be here for that long anyway but it s becoming a really bad problem a i am in my 0 and everything i do now is going to affect the rest of my life it s hard to know what i want to do or what i want to pursue when my whole life i didn t think that i would even be here i am so lost and genuinely don t know what i am doing or who i am and i feel detached from everyone around me i feel like i am just existing and i am thankful for the thing i ve experienced and the people in my life and all that but i m just so lost i genuinely have no word to describe the void i feel and sometimes can not believe that i did this to myself i made myself so small i don t even see me so how could anyone else see me it s so hard when your own mind is the thing that make it hard for you to do anything and i ve just been struggling a lot lately,Depression +38389,i watch pornography when i feel depressed or stressed in my shitty job a a dentist but i heard that it can worsen your situation also i m doing it like once or twice a week,Depression +38390,i just want to disappear i don t know how to start this but i just want to disappear disappear from my life from everything from everyone i feel so alone and i can t talk to anyone personally in my life because it s hard to admit that i m struggling mentally it s hard for me to tell people i want to disappear from their life a i fear they will take it personally i m just tired of my life i m tired of the battle i constantly have to face and the struggle it give me the idea of disappearing feel like weight is lifted of my shoulder and i can breathe again the idea feel so calm and relaxing a that is all i ve ever wanted peace it s easy for me to think that no one will care that i m gone no one will look for me or try to search for me but i know that s no true so i stay i stay to exist another day to deal with life s problem and the anxiety i feel with it because everyone ha to deal with life why can t i so i disappear in my thought a all i have to escape from everything and everyone,Depression +38391,i always had that sinking feeling it wa there but wa never able to find that proof i would ve done anything for her she built me up for so long all my life saying i would go far and be the best i can this positive reinforcement kept up until graduated high school in 0 9 i wa taking a gap year so i wa trying to find work in the mean time the pandemic hit a i wa searching and many business had already laid off so many and were not hiring at this point i wa getting the sly comment hear and there but nothing too sinister for the most part only after going from job to job only to be taken advantage of or have my hour cut did it escalate more fearing no other alternative i went back to an old company i had left due to the amount of hour we had to work and my physical wellbeing wa deteriorating while there i wa not hired based on the fact i had quit so many job in a short amount of time the abuse began to hit a whope new level i am berated whenever i come from my room criticized for all the simplest thing forgotten told i m the idiot of the family for not paying attention to everything and continuously told i will never make it on my own and will die outside i finally hit my breaking point and while i cried for myself thinking about all i had done she watched i didn t see her face but she wa judging me the whole time and left me i knew she didn t care anymore and she never ha i have hit a whole new low of depression,Depression +38392,tldr here are my question ha anyone had depression symptom improve after they broke up with a long term partner who wa not right for them were you able to see in retrospect how the bad relationship wa intensifying your mental health problem how did you make the decision to break up my current depressive episode ha been going strong since mid 0 0 with almost no letup i m in therapy for childhood trauma for the first time therapist say i have cptsd i can feel my deep self hatred beginning to heal which is something i didn t think wa possible it s awesome but my depression symptom are getting worse no motivation feeling of complete emptiness gnawing sadness my work in therapy ha also illuminated aspect of my year romantic relationship which mirror the emotional abuse i suffered a a child i have been a candid a possible with this about my partner they have been genuinely remorseful and we are working on shifting our dynamic in couple therapy i am pleased to see change in the way they treat me but i don t feel any le pissed off about waking up alive everyday it s really difficult to parse out how much of this current depressive episode is coming from my brain chemistry and how much is coming from the fact that i m living with someone who betrayed my sense of emotional safety i m trying to forgive my partner because i truly love them with all of my heart and want to give our relationship a fair chance to improve but i am struggling to forgive them for the borderline emotional abuse that happened,Depression +38393,sometimes all i want is for someone to tell me everything will be okay i m proud of you i love you you re doing great just general supportive word you have no idea how happy a simple good job can make you feel,Depression +38394,i feel like i don t deserve to be happy i have so much in life i ve got to look to look forward too i have loving friend and family a good job a decent living situation and i ve even recently got into a poly relationship with two awesome people but i feel a if i don t deserve any happiness at all it could be that i m dating two guy and my parent are strictly against anything homosexual it could be the fact that i may be addicted to porn or hell it could even be just some other random thing in my life but i just feel like i m happy one day then depressed a hell the next day i don t know what to do who to talk too or how to fix this i don t even know if this is the right subreddit to put this here but i m out of option,Depression +38395,i feel like i m really close to ending my own life i cant imagine myself living another year i ve had happy day but i haven t been able to appreciate anything good that ha happened to me i m so hyper focused on every bad thing that it just make me want to end it all the only thing that s really stopping me is lack of a proper method and making it seem like a big deal i don t want anyone to care i don t want it to effect my family or for them to even notice i m trying to distance myself from everyone close to me so i can make it easier on them when i ve finally had enough the sad part is that i ve been so lucky to have a decent upbringing but everything i feel right now is just my fault i don t have any valid reason to feel this way so many people have had it worse i cant even be mad at anyone else i did it to myself and i continue to do this i ob over my appearance too much and it just hurt looking at myself i cant stand to hear myself speak or let other people see me i m so disappointed in myself for letting this happen to me i don t think i ll be able to get out this mindset and a soon a the time is right i ll probably take the east way out man this suck,Depression +38396,m moved home to my parent during covid in summer 0 0 to save money a everything wa remote everything is still remote so i decided to stay however i miss big city life with more bar restaurant more stuff to do the higher number of single 0 0 somethings like myself going back to la is a no go a rent is absurd and i d be paying almost half of my salary just to have a decent bedroom apartment i m currently renting a house from family but i m lonely a fuck i live in a small town with 000 people i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place,Depression +38397,hello everyone i m male and don t really know how to ass my current situation i ll start from scratch my grandpa wa a bully and abused my mother when she wa a child he also did this with my sister when she wa about year old my brother wa also completely influenced by him and also abused my sister at the time he wa around 0 year old i saw that live once too at that age about year old i couldn t ass and classify the situation had suppressed that very well until my sister came to a clinic for depression around 0 and completely unpacked during the stay from that point on thing really went down hill for me all the picture from back then came up again my sister and my brother have spoken out and get along well again i smoked pot a lot back then because it always distracted me my mother had already attempted suicide twice i am always completely unmotivated and unhappy although unhappy is the wrong word i m just happy about almost nothing anymore i also think about suicide from time to time but i m probably just too tired and scared to go through with it i always like to be alone but with a girlfriend it s a bit difficult from time to time because we live together the few friend i have thank god understand me and don t push me into anything my girlfriend is also very unstable mentally but we both support each other very well gaming on the pc ha helped me a lot for year i have occasional nervous breakdown where i just start cry i ve always hated my job but that s probably just because i hate work in general i loathe people in general and i don t like big gathering either apart from my sibling and parent i have very little or no contact with other relative had adhd a a child and have been taking medikinet for month a i still have the diagnosis i wonder how others see it and whether i should seek external help i think i m doing just fine but i d be interested in an independent opinion pls be kind english is not my native language,Depression +38398,i ll be 9 this year i grew up very sheltered and in middle school wa groomed by a teacher which ha led to a lot of mental health issue mom wa checked out due to illness and i am the youngest of her oldest child is the only healthy one i have attempted suicide time the last time in 0 9 which ruined thing for me i lost my job and had to move back home with mom i hate it trust me i decided fuck i should be doing something and started taking class online i used to live in a thriving city on my own wa in a relationship had a steady career path and it s all gone now living here is awful and i really wish i wa successful on my third attempt since 0 9 i have applied for 9 job i have only gotten interview with of those one job offer and it fell through because they closed down due to covid i am so tired so worn out and i have no motivation for anything anymore i feel like i should just end it somehow but deep down i want to live and be happy again i can t do that in this state or small conservative town le than 000 people v a progressive city i wa living in of 00k that were lgbt friendly idk what to do anymore i have maybe 00 to my name and i wish that could get me out of here but it s not happening sorry for the rant just need to get this shit out,Depression +38399,can someone help me kill myself or give me way to please i m i m really done with life idc about anything anymore i don t want people to try and stop me like i just need a way to do it but idk how like what thing to do love you all xx,Depression +38400,i think i m gon na call it quits i just don t feel good i don t feel like anyone care about me i don t feel like i bring value to anyone s life let alone my own been listening to a song recently and the lyric just feel so resonant i relate so hard do you ever get a little bit tired of life like you re not really happy but you don t wan na die like you re hanging by a thread but you got ta survive you got ta survive i don t want to die but that thread the little bit of myself that kept me wanting to survive is just frayed it s razor thin and i just want to reach out and snap it already just get it over with i m tired i m hurting i m so fucking lonely and i just want it to fucking stop,Depression +38401,i m fine i m fine i m fine until once again i m back in the pit and i m wondering how long do i need to keep doing this for when i stare at my computer screen another fucking 9 day of meaningless clicking so i can earn barely enough money to survive comparing myself with other people my age depresses me i m not so successful and i probably didn t live up to anyones expectation including my own but the more i think about it based on all my trauma and self hatred where i am kinda make sense but the thought of i need to continue living like this idling just living in the same page everyday why i have a vacation booked and then what i come back to the same meaningless routine every time after a vacation im more depressed that my life is how it is do i want to change sure how i don t even have the energy or motivation nor do i have the strength or idea some day i feel like im living in my own paradox or dream that my life isn t even real the past few week i been reliving my trauma and all the shit i went through continuously in my head why i don t even know maybe i m trying to understand myself all i get are mood swing bad attitude and burst of anger maybe i should get on med,Depression +38402,im m ive been in a constant battle with anxiety and mood swing disorder and i promised myself if life dont get better by my th birthday im offing myself so idk if there a god and he listening to me or if there another world waiting for me i just need strength because i feel like this is my last chapter in life and i feel ready,Depression +38403,i know this is weird to ask but anyone got any alternative to cutting i m too scared to punch a wall not scared enough to not cut somehow and i can t cut without getting caught due to helicopter parent they have caught me cutting so my mother doe body check regularly again i know it s weird to ask but any suggestion are appreciated,Depression +38404,hi i m new here and most of the time i m in a real good place life ha been really good since i had therapy i haven t felt like i want to end it in maybe five or six year now and that is not what i feel right now but i do feel emptiness and shallow i like to create to many thing but after i share them all of the feeling disappear i don t feel good about it anymore and when i m alone it s a if every thought in my head want to feel bad i feel like cry but no tear come and it s frustrating even i don t know who to talk to because everyone is so busy and i feel like disturbing god what do i do singing frustrates me and i m a vocalist i am taking a long walk right now but kind of lost the strength in my leg or my will to go further at the moment of writing i ll continue after typing this i guess,Depression +38405,anytime i m alone i m instantly depressed i can t enjoy tv alone i can t enjoy a walk alone i just hate it alone i just lay here all day in my bed on my phone for hour then go to sleep but i get so sick of my phone how can i be alone,Depression +38406,i don t really have any kind of hope that any other kind of love can truly save you it ha to be romantic because you don t trust friend or family when they tell you that the love you anymore but if someone is willing to hold you and stay with you for the rest of your life just the initiative make it feel better but my problem doesn t even lie there the real problem is that i don t really see myself a someone that can be loved and the reason are endless i m not good looking i have severe social anxiety and i m just a handful of a person to deal with haha and i definitely am not a person that should have been born and even the one time i gave my heart to someone and tried to get to know them better with the hope of igniting something real it wa a fail and i can t help that i have no will left in me to live i don t think writing this post will really achieve anything ultimately but well it would be nice if someone could try to understand me,Depression +38407,hi hello idk why am i writing this i just need to vent out ok i can t type properly my eye are flooding with tear rn i m so fucked up right now idk what to do amp x 00b no one got my back for fuck sake this is so messed up i wan na kill myself so bad i feel like i ve done everything that i want if somehow i die my biggest regret would probably be disappointing my mom amp x 00b amp x 00b on a second thought i don t really wan na die i m just confused what is the life i wan na know my purpose being 9 year old and having nothing accomplished make me feel shit constantly lying about stuff making sin day after day am i born to sin amp x 00b amp x 00b i really felt lonely and thought that no one really cared about my existence i saw my friend enjoying and posting their happy moment i really felt cornered i spent another few day in my room then the other day i just went out for a walk amp x 00b i don t want this anymore my coping mechanism is smoke some cigarette i don t want to be addicted i m thinking about praying to god but i don t wan na pray for someone whom i don t believe to exist i m starting to think what if someone just made up god idk someone made up god for people who don t have someone to talk to,Depression +38408,through out the day i keep telling myself okay tomorrow you need wake up and do these thing so i have to go to sleep early job search and practice permit test to get the license but every night once it reach 9 0 i find myself unhappy in my bed ruminating about how i messed up in life and how worthless i am that no one want to hire me i wonder is it even worth it i then end up sleeping till like or am i ve applied to food le and such and have gotten either no call or few place rejecting me i stay up in bed trying to find something that ll distract me or pacify me to sleep and even when i do go to sleep early i dread waking up i just wish i could sleep forever,Depression +38409,where do i even start this feeling ha been going for year but now i reached a point where i am fully convinced that my life is just pointless purposeless empty i keep finding way to help myself to get better socialize talk to a psychologist then i got refered to a psychiatrist and talk to god i don t blame god for anything okay i still believe in god the psychiatrist did gave med escitalopram amp na divalproex amp quetiapin amp olanzapine amp vit b complex for a year i took those med constantly after a year i wa only prescribed with the first two med then recently the psychiatrist needed to move up my med to something more stronger because i said the med didn t work in socializing i tried to talk to friend but i couldn t open myself fully to any of them it is because no one listened or no one gave anything to help same go with my family i even tried looking for a relationship but with the trauma that my past caused me my ex s mirrored my depression towards me i also tried dating apps but every single one is either horny or just hard to talk to i tried to connect with workmate but you know that feeling when just can t connect it s hard to describe but yeah bottom line in socializing no one listens or give help in talking to god i still believe that there s a purpose for everything that s why we are created right i really don t blame god for anything even though i am suffering so much the only question is how long will i have to suffer more detail about work right now i m happy with what i m doing there s stress problem and shitty experience but at least i get task that need to be done yeah so when i m given a task i can finish it regardless of my mentality so my background well i ve been bullied since elementary until highschool for being different in the look it wa nd year highschool when the whole class bullied me constantly the teacher can t even help lol my depression really attacked me in nd year college there i realized all my suffering all my mistake and all my regret i attempted suicide for like time but always failed unfortunately twice i got caught by my family they were concerned at first but a time pass by so is the concern after all that i gave up trying to kill myself because i can t i m too much of a coward to kill myself all those physical abuse i tried to do on myself i can t do it twice so yeah i m like in the middle of trying to live and trying to kill myself if only i m brave enough to just commit suicide i would do it but i m not i actually tried to do sport in the past i wa very active in physical sport like taekwondo athletics and mma i even went to the gym right now i m doing biking but all those physical activity stopped a i lost interest or no motivation anymore i continued biking but everytime i do it i go full speed thinking i would die unfortunately my body just hold the break to slow down and make turn right now i just literally gave up on everything i m convinced that i ll be living my life like an empty shell med don t work socializing don t work and etc etc i just do my work then after just back to emptiness again i am able to do task but is it still living when you just do task out of obligation for advice sorry but i already heard too much but it didn t work anyways just trying to vent out i hope this story is clear or understandable thank you for reading,Depression +38410,ha anyone been prescribed mirtazapine or other alpha receptor antagonist to treat their anxiety i would prefer not to use start with ssri s what wa you experience,Depression +38411,i m tired of living the one thing that kept me alive just weaponozed my mental health about week ago and left i m tired of being stressed about everything bill and not knowing of i can feed myself i ve given up how much oxy is lethal asking for well myself,Depression +38412,i think the worst part of dealing with all of this is the absolute constant feeling of loneliness having no connection to anyone many act like they want to help but a soon a they see how deep and dark it is they back off my phone stay pretty silent unless someone need something,Depression +38413,i can t manage to do anything i haven t showered for 9 day haven t brushed my teeth for a couple day haven t done my skincare routine in age haven t been to the gym for week haven t been to university to see the lecture in week i feel like i just can t get a grip of my life it s getting tiring,Depression +38414,burning the bridge of people i m supposed to consider friend but when wa the last time i could call them that suddenly my life took a sudden stop and i needed to rest well now i m recovered and everyone ha left me behind so what do i do i try reaching out but get pushed aside for other more important people in their life hurt when one of them wa your ex partner who still want to be your friend but can t put in any effort worth making it a lasting friendship best friend know i m socially inept and while i m extroverted i can t really meet new people on my own so do they help me by introducing me to their dozen of freiends they have despite being introverted no apparently you just want to keep me to yourself despite me literally begging for your help on multiple occasion i hate this the only keeping me around is my cat and it s not love anymore i just don t want to leave him alone in the apartment with my rotting corpse that will only be found because i didn t come into work,Depression +38415,so i have finally come to realize that i have had this fantasy that i have a family that care my mother ha her own issue bi polar my mom life partner just doesn t care and tell me to get over it my sperm donor of a bio dad remarried and ha his own family now and is ecstatic about his grand kid i feel like i wa the throw away tossed out with the garbage when it come to my parent it ha taken me 0 year to come to this conclusion why did it take me so long when my sister said f ck you when she wa hope is the only thing i can come up with to answer that question they say blood is thicker than water when it come to family i now disagree i have finally come to the conclusion that my parent can kick rock if they fell off of a cliff i would watch them fall some would say that is a heartless thing to say about your parent but i am done done placing myself in a situation that allows my heart to be trampled by one that claim to love me or one i would think should care all of these thought and outcome in life have lead me to being suicidal and depressed i am now working hard to manage my thought of suicide and depression first thing is to get my finance in check pay down my debt so i can become financially free to do what i want with my money second and really while i am working on my finance lose some weight and get my physical health back on track it is time for me to start living this life i have been gifted with and see were it take me all i ask of you is your support and prayer if interested check my profile from time to time a i make journal entry posting them to my personal profile god bless i love you all,Depression +38416,i don t see the meaning of life in general or the purpose of my own life i ve been clinically depressed and in and out of therapy for seven year now which is of my life which make me feel sad i ve reached this point where i don t even have the desire to take an active role in anything that happens to me or in my choice i feel very passive like i m just sort of letting my life lead me instead of leading it i feel dormant like i m just existing and i d barely even call myself alive everyone around me ha relationship thing to look forward to goal to meet etc yet i m only year old and i cant find even one attainable thing that i have the desire to accomplish i know i m not supposed to compare because everyone is different and blah blah blah but i m jealous of others who are driven and motivated i m unhappy and unfulfilled but simultaneously i m burnt out from constantly trying to work on myself get better and look for thing that will help change my mentality i really don t know what i should do next that is if i can bring myself to do anything at all,Depression +38417,why is sleeping alot so horrible for depression because of depression i sleep alot but on rare occasion with drug abuse which cause insomnia i am le depressed then i sleep again 0 hour hour and i just feel horrible and suicidal,Depression +38418,i often hold myself back from doing the thing i want to do because i don t feel like i meet the bare minimum standard to have realistic prospect for success what should i do to overcome this for instance i would love to be able to have a job earn money and be self sufficient i lost three job over the course of three month from 0 0 and i wound up in a deep depression from which i ve been trying to crawl out of ever since i later realized that i have adhd pi which explains nearly every factor that contributed to my past underperformance i wa often late for work i called in sick when i couldn t get out of bed i wa slow at my job etc i didn t realize that the issue i had were outgrowth of executive dysfunction and once i realized i had adhd everything suddenly made sense i had always been told and in fact came to believe that i wa just lazy that my lack of success wa my attitude towards work and it wa a simple a that but no it s not actually so simple even so i feel like i need to be 00 confident that it s under control before i attempt to re enter the workforce here s why i view being hired for any job a a promise on your part when you accept a position you are implicitly agreeing that you will be consistently hard working focused and reliable by consistently i mean at least 99 of the time everyone ha the occasional bad day where they underperform but to be a good employee this need to be a rare occurrence no more than maybe once every six month or so at the absolute most you need to be on time you need to be consistently applying yourself to the extent where you re feeling exhausted by the day s end and you need to be making a sustained effort to be living up to and preferably exceeding the expectation that are set out for you by your employer in short you either make a full commitment or you don t in my opinion if you apply for a job and accept a position knowing full well that you re going to struggle with thing a basic a punctuality or worker engagement it is disingenuous for you to even send in an application in the first place another example at year old i have never gone out on a single actual date with a woman let alone anything beyond that it just feel futile for me to even ask a woman out i find it unrealistic to think that a woman would find me physically or romantically attractive i feel like in order to date someone you have to be their equal by most metric equally attractive equally successful etc at the very least you have to fulfill some basic criterion be employed full time have a driver s license own a car be adept at handling social situation take good care of your body and your appearance maintain a consistently clean and orderly living space etc similar to employment asking somebody out feel like yet another unspoken agreement in doing so you are effectively conveying that you have your life together are able to keep it together on a consistent basis for the foreseeable future and want to get to know them on an intimate level once again you either make a full commitment or you do not if you can t give it 00 on a consistent basis then don t waste their time there are other thing that hold me back from dating another factor is that i m terrified of inadvertently going about it in an inappropriate manner e g wrong place wrong time misreading signal and making her uncomfortable with my overture then there s the fact that i m asexual and probably wouldn t have a high enough libido to satisfy most woman on a frequent enough basis but the main reason is the fact that i don t think i am capable of making a full commitment in my mind it s all or nothing i guess the long and short of it is that i don t apply for work ask woman out or do much of anything with my life because i don t think i m good enough i m not worthy i doubt my capability a being on the same level a everyone else and i don t want to pretend like i am capable of maintaining the kind of commitment that most people are able to make,Depression +38419,would anyone like to chat or maybe even voice chat i m just feeling like a total mess at the moment,Depression +38420,well i am rn haven t really achieved anything big in my life so far i honestly feel like shit while typing this i have never made such post ever and honestly i am tryna express myself so i make some friend or have a good conversation a i said i am i have been visiting a therapist and i have mdd major depressive disorder medication are helping though by i need to improve we don t have financial problem i really need to start making money for my own i guess i have seen a lot of people online that are doing much better than me and have achieved a lot and i am not even close to them well if anyone want to talk or want to discus something you can do it here or my dm,Depression +38421,without absolutely any context of myself i will disclose when my depressive episode come about and these feel pretty major and intense when they do they feel and seem to get harder and harder literally a the year go by we who struggle with depression are very tough because i feel like i barely scrape through each and every time but it is becoming harder to bare and hold on and i worry for myself in the future do any of you with depression feel like your episode or however you describe it get harder and harder to bare when it come about amp x 00b it an expression of interest curiosity,Depression +38422,i m so exhausted my brain create me a child personality a sort of a dissociation disorder that take control of me of my action of my voice of my thought so sometimes i m a child because of my fucking depressed brain i also have a lot of memory lost it s like my memory reset all the time my head is a prison a hell i hate this brain and i hate this existence,Depression +38423,i ve struggled with mental health issue since i wa in elementary school i ve gone through period where thing have been really bad and others where i m more normal i m doing really bad right now i m in law school and i don t have time for a breakdown but i feel like i m drowning i have class in hour but i ve been up all night cry i don t know what to do my psychiatrist just put me on wellbutrin along with my current medicine of prozac rexulti and buspar i m supposed to talk to my dean today about my mental health issue but i don t feel like i can get out of bed this is ridiculous and i feel like i m being lazy but i legitimately feel like i m suffocating i want to not exist sorry if this make no sense everyone i know is asleep right now and i needed to talk,Depression +38424,i m alone m i feel like ending it all i just want a girlfriend but i always get rejected i don t want sex or nude i want someone who i can care for and someone who can care for me,Depression +38425,so many thing i can t will never be able to do again my friend talk about going skateboarding or how awesome it would be to go skiing soccer wa my favorite sport and i can t play anymore well i can but at the risk of my left knee buckling in on itself which it ha done just the act of getting out of bed is painful and every girl i talk to i eventually have to tell them i got hit by a car which come off a gaslighting like i m looking for sympathy the last one i told said she d help me through it or whatever but she just stopped talking to me after hanging out a couple time which sound like nothing but now i don t talk to anyone perhaps the worst part is that the guy never even said he wa sorry my friend don t even ask me how i m doing all they fucking talk about is dungeon and dragon nobody asks how i m doing everyone is just like oh yeah him he got hit by a car and just assume that i m fine all i think about is cry in someone s arm i am practically on the verge of tear every waking moment of every day i guess what keep me going is the fact that it could have been much worse i could have not opened the trunk of my dad car in time and he could have crushed me from my knee up all the way to my chest rather than just at the knee i wa getting my bag out of the back of my dad car when a guy in a f 0 pickup truck pulled up behind me either pulled too close and the car jumped forward when he put it in park or he just forgot to put it in park and it rolled forward pinning me at the knee between the two vehicle for like second,Depression +38426,i am no job no career suffering from severe depression and anxiety for year therapy med nothing help suffered emotionaly since teenage now m here all alone no one close totally done with life and thinking to end it thank u for reading,Depression +38427,i guess i m on here to get some thing off my chest maybe even get some advice i really just want someone to relate to what i m going through if you took the the time to read this thank you a little background i m 0 australian cisgender male i ve lived in the foster care system which come with a lot of different issue i couldn t possibly get into i work for the government i can t say what i do here i do some dangerous work that led to being assaulted in early january i ve since been on work cover for my mental health acute stress disorder every day get harder i wake up and i can t get out of bed i sleep horrible hour i smoke almost a pack a day and i play video game non stop i feel like an exposed nerve some day every interaction with another human make me nervous and the day i leave the house are becoming fewer when i moved to my current town i didn t really have friend i ve always struggled with social interaction i joined a dnd group at a local hobby store in the hope of making some friend they were all relatively younger than me all in their 0 i gave it a go nonetheless several session in they ve asked me not to come back i didn t see it coming tbh it disappoints me because the reason why wa unclear i had thought we were friend dnd wa the general highlight of my week it s not exactly a productive past time and most people probably think it s stupid or nerdy tbh it absolutely is but i felt accepted and it wa a group who s social behaviour didn t revolve around drug and alcohol i m trying so hard not to internalise it and just accept that maybe i just didn t mesh with the group in addition to this my problem are piling up my car is completely useless my back is causing issue and i m gaining so much weight right now everything feel exhausting my lifestyle is so toxic right now and i know something need to change i just don t know what to do i feel so overwhelmed with life the best advice i can find is to grow up take responsibility for my life but it rarely seems that simple i feel like i have nothing left,Depression +38428,my depression and self harm are at an all time high and today i woke up and decided to give myself two black eye by punching myself repeatedly until swollen cu i wan na look a bad a i feel now my boyfriend just got home and he s super angry at me how do i explain to this nigga it s my body my choice and he shouldn t be upset cu it s life man he got with someone year ago that is severely fucked up and now he s shocked that i m doing fucked up shit like wtf type nigga is he,Depression +38429,my bf cheated on me but got a dog today and my dog ha made me feel so much better who need a man,Depression +38430,and then i realize normal is horrible and mean working a job i hate to barely afford gas to work and killing brain cell with drug to put up with it,Depression +38431,i m scared of my future i m scared of taking responsibility for my own life i m scared of facing the consequence of my action i m scared of making decision because they might be the wrong one i m scared of taking a step forward i m scared that there s nothing i can do with my life because i m too scared of everything i m scared of living,Depression +38432,why can t i just do a my mother said and accwpt my body,Depression +38433,everyone moved on became a better person happier get a career and a life meanwhile i m still the same stuck in the beginning,Depression +38434,it s gotten to the point where i m purposely making myself sick so i will have to call out but the end of the month is coming up and bill are piling up i don t know what to do i just don t want to do anything anymore and just lie in bed all day,Depression +38435,i am moving and i might not be able to bring my cat with me i haven t even had her year i am losing everything again i have to move and start over and lose the people close to me it feel like every time i try to improve my situation i get worse i know it ll get worse before it get better but this is hell i wish i could just have a safe place without having to uproot my life the only apartment i can afford doesn t allow pet i might just risk it and sneak my cat in anyways but i am scared of being caught and evicted god just everything everything is too much i have been cry for age,Depression +38436,i didn t choose to be born i didn t choose to have these vital instinct it shouldn t fall onto me to overcome them the world that gave birth to me should fix it mistake i shouldn t be asked to fix it in it stead it s not my responsibility,Depression +38437,and i feel nothing nothing at all i almost flunked out of college twice and here i am with straight a s last quarter and i m slated for a similar gpa this quarter and yet i don t feel a thing about it everyone is telling me how proud i should be i went from a high school slacker to the one looking into med school to the family fuck up and now the one doing ok all within a few year fuck i should be proud and yet i literally do not give a shit all i feel is apathy i m just so fucking tired i feel like i m just going through the motion not sure what i m looking for with this post i just had to tell someone that i lack the capacity to care my parent and partner were so happy when i told them the grade i don t have the heart to tell them i don t really feel anything about it doe anyone else just not care about achievement anymore it d feel nice to know i m not the only one,Depression +38438,or having a good day like aren t you supposed to be depressed if you keep acting like this nobody will believe you that kind of mentality i take hard class i take the max number of credit i can because if i m not working i m wasting time i don t study for shit i get good grade surely this must mean i m decently smart but i fucking hate that my grade don t drop noticeably because i wish someone would notice or just care or something but i clearly can t stand feeling like a failure more and it doesn t make sense because i feel like a failure all the time why not one more it extends to stupider shit too like being in a good mood laughing stuff i m not happy but it s like the reflex is still there and i m so good at hiding it i don t know what i m like when i m actually happy but i m guessing better le angry awkward and doe this mean people like that version of me better or do they just think this is me normal fuck me i wouldn t ever go up to someone and ask for help i couldn t do it but it would just be nice to have someone be concerned for me naturally without me asking,Depression +38439,hello i feel terrible i don t know where to start i feel very bad very anxious my stomach is a ball of nerve i feel so bad mentally that i feel sick physically everything is a challenge for me i live in a foreign country and i signed for a language class that started somehow not from the beginning and this literally felt so bad i really don t know how to explain how i feel and why i feel like this everything new scare me my mother died two year ago i can t sleep well my heart literally hurt from all the anxiety i have i don t know what to do with my life i m in a really bad place i don t have a job right now i m signed to an agency that sends me to different warehouse and i m booked now for month i don t have any special education i figured i should study something to make my life better i m year old the job i m doing right now is the reason i feel so terrible my anxiety come and go i feel it triggered my anxiety because it s in a new warehouse with new people and it s something i ve never done before my bos didn t tell me where i m going to do this job she literally told me the night before that i have to go to a new place from tomorrow she didn t explain absolutely anything for the job she just left u there without information and resource and i feel that s why my anxiety came back with full strength i wa hoping that even something bad is going to happen to me so i won t have to go to work something like a car crash something bad but not too bad my bos told me we could call her and ask her about the job but she didn t pick up her phone when we tried calling her she told u she may hire u after we do this job i think this add to the pressure the thing is i think most people would see this a an opportunity but it s a nightmare for me my husband and i are doing this job and he s not understanding or willing to help me i tell him how i feel but he s like you ll get better i don t think i ll get better i have this anxiety for so long now it come and go it s not getting better i don t know what to do with my life i think anyone in my circumstance would actually feel good and here s me feeling anxious desperate and just horrible i don t wan na stay in this country i wan na go somewhere else but i don t think that s going to solve my problem a my problem is not the place it s me,Depression +38440,i m and currently suffering from depression i ve stopped taking anti depressant about year ago because of quarantine and suicide related thought like overdosing or choking on med because of that i don t know how to fall asleep quickly i tried the breathing technique calming oil blend even putting up some calming music on my phone all of the thing i ve tried nothing work for me i just really wan na sleep early because my mom s seriously mad at me for staying up late at night possibly thinking i m using my phone when she turn her back i just don t wan na try to start taking those anti depressant again any suggestion,Depression +38441,look at me and tell me why i shouldn t just end it all today and tonight my girlfriend think i m an ugly waste of oxygen who ha no value it s time for me to die,Depression +38442,got a driving ticket the other day almost got another one today for parking in front of someone s driveway,Depression +38443,hi i ve been up and down over the year and have been diagnosed with mdd and add i take med and am in therapy off and on for period of time i can not afford regular therapy and generally i am not doing too badly i wake up each morning and get to work i come home to my family i do some yoga and try to move regularly i do not feel myself i feel another cycle of darkness looming i use cannabis daily and drink alcohol on weekend i think if i drank during the week it could become a regular pattern i want to shake this and i try different thing it is a if there is too much going on and filtering what i need is difficult i ve always had the mentality that we over complicate our life i would like to live out in the wood with no electricity or technology and not in an effort to isolate but just to simplify not sure my point in posting this i guess i am looking for some support and suggestion from others in how to feel connected take care folk,Depression +38444,which came first the chicken or the egg do i hate myself because of the constant rejection i ve experienced my whole life or am i constantly rejected because i hate myself both are true negative experience are what made me doubt myself so much if this keep happening over and over again then it must be because there s something wrong with me that people want to run away from i take it entirely personally but on the other hand people don t want a person who hate themselves in their life so they reject me and distance themselves i can never sustain positive self worth because every single time i m rejected i feel that they ve judged my character in some way and determined me either insignificant or toxic to them it s a never ending loop that ultimately leaf me alone and bitter i don t know how to fix it nothing seems to work it s like my mind is broken i feel like an evolutionary failure a cancerous lump meant to be excised from a healthy society i feel like i ve given up on myself,Depression +38445,hi about an hour ago i opened my bearded dragon enclosure and picked him up to find him dead im so distraught and i feel like such a terrible person he wa about year old i ve had him since i wa and i m now he wa year old when i got him in the last month or so my mental health ha been very bad and i ve been working day a week and not had time to care for him at all this is my fault and i m so upset he wa counting on me to take care of him and i couldn t i m so disturbed by the way he looked when i picked him up his eye were black and sunken in and he wa completely limp i don t think i m ever going to forgive myself for this i just feel like the most awful human being alive i m going to miss him so much he wa really special to me even though i ve been unintentionally neglectful there s so much i could have done i just don t know what to do i feel so evil ha anyone else lost a pet,Depression +38446,vent cry needed to get it out it s been month since we had our miscarriage thing were looking up a my cycle wa finally back to normal i wa meant to ovulate this week and i felt hopeful last night i wa waiting for my husband to get home from work and he wa about hour late i wa getting so worried when i finally received a knock on the door police officer informed me that my husband had been in a fatal car accident devastated doesn t cut it i can t fathom life without him something that hurt and keep running through my head right now is two thing i am about to go through our lost baby due date alone while also grieving my husband to have my rainbow baby i will now need to find a new partner and then get to the stage of a relationship to even fathom trying again so let s say year minimum by then i will be considered a mature pregnancy and likely find it hard and be high risk i don t know what to do i don t know how i can carry on he wa my world i can t do this without him,Depression +38447,i don t know if i want to wipe who i am and have been for so long now or if i want to wipe ou my existence so long i ve told myself and forced myself to live just one more day because one day or another it will be different right one day or another it will be better right these day there s another loud thought i have not being here at all is different it is better it might not be the most pleasant choice but it is a choice all the same and it is the only choice that say you ll never have to hurt again you ll never have to hold your hand when you break you ll never ave to cry again it will all end forever this thought is the only thing that seems to care about me anymore,Depression +38448,why is it that whenever i try to change or become better and i so i go chase new experience and end up going through learning or doing different thing it just becomes a bad memory i feel a if everything i had positive aspect to turn into something negative thing i think will turn out for the better turn out to be bad and miserable which make everything in my past and present miserable can anyone else relate or understand what i m trying to say it s hard to explain in word,Depression +38449,i keep thinking of her a transphobic because a year and a half ago she told me all her thought of transgender and now i don t feel comfortable talking to her about it,Depression +38450,i m coming back around from a deep hole of depression out of the last couple day maybe some of my hardest my life is a whirlwind and i accidentally got off my med for day one day off will really throw me didn t even realize that i didn t take my med until thing calmed down that th day i wa posting here yesterday and some of you really helped me out i m on the other side of it now and just want to thank this sub it wa a brutal low that lasted for sooo long i m on the other side now if i could go back to tell myself anything it s this hold on yes life suck but your brain is lying to you you got ta wait until it start telling you the truth again it s hard and it suck it suck major donkey ball you can t see any good right now i know you have to believe me it s imperative so just hold on,Depression +38451,i stopped taking ssri about month ago and have been really depressed and anxious since i don t have adhd but i have an adderall prescription and take 0mg xr about time a week i am trying to find alternative to taking medication for depression so i picked up some 0mg htp supplement is it safe to take the two together if not would it be safe to take the adderall in the morning and htp at night,Depression +38452,need someone to talk to,Depression +38453,okay long text post here i been depressed the past year of my life 9 now you know just typical depression not until recently i started getting like suicidal thought and ideation not so sure why i started dating my boyfriend about a year ago and he is the light of my world and had helped me pretty much a lot i m not too sure why these thought and feeling are coming back to me harder than ever my med cymbalta quit working so i switched them then the new one make me actually fucking insane pristiq i can t even trust myself to be alone i am just thinking about killing myself and dying all that mumbo jumbo my anxiety ha been through the roof a well i also have insomnia which we have not found the right med for that yet either so my whole life and brain is a cluster fuck it would be so easy to end it i never have had panic attack until this new pristiq i ve also tried lexapro prozac and a few others which weren t for me they either make me zombie or literally nothing at all is different can someone give me your input on what i should maybe try to do my sleep ha also been fucked the past few year i stay up for day at a time bc i can t fall asleep i m either not tired or j literally can t actually fall asleep now i have seroquel a needed i don t take that make me feel weird zaleplon a needed it literally doesn t work on me not too sure why but whatever and hydroxyzine and guess what that one doesn t work either sleep ha make me fail in school cant concentrate cant study cant do work mood brain fog every day oh but back to my bf just typing about him make me tear up i miss him so much i m afraid that i m going to scare him away with my craziness i m also pretty sure i m bipolar but maybe i m not but his family doe not have problem like that i m thinking i need to kill myself before he leaf me or after he leaf me bc after he leaf that will be it he s like my last string of hope to keep me from ending it anyone relate,Depression +38454,i feel trapped and like there s no way out everything feel like shit i went through ton of family and mental health issue but i soldiered on and i got my college diploma in social science and my bachelor degree in sociology i wa on the dean s list i worked my as off through mental illness and exhaustion and i m in thousand of dollar debt i did everything people told me to do keep going get a degree take out loan and now i can t find a fucking job that doesn t pay total shit public transit is beyond atrocious i just have 0k debt staring at me in the face every time i open my bank app i ve applied to hundred of job hundred of job my brother want me to go back to school and get more debt more fucking debt he want me to leave my boyfriend and move to another province i can t talk to him about my issue because every time that s all he suggests same with my best friend my dad life in a tiny town in newfoundland and make shit wage my mom life somewhere in ontario and ha made no effort to help me out despite not getting to see me grow up due to a nasty divorce i have no will left i m afraid i m gon na snap and go crazy i try really really hard to be positive but it s really hard to keep it up i feel like i m in one of those trap where the wall are slowing squishing you until you die please doe anyone have any advice anyone i m dying my hope is fading so fast,Depression +38455,i m always pointed at when something bad happens to me and i never know if i m to blame or not,Depression +38456,i m feeling so bad i can t function anymore and will probably be hospitalised but i got a message from a teacher saying i wa missing too many class and referring me to the school s psychologist what can i do,Depression +38457,i hate life hate living every day i wake with no energy and no will no to move further in life it ha beatin me down again and again all i do is work i have friend but never stop feeling lonely the one thing that keep me tethered to this reality is my cat who is currently screaming outside my door i don t care though i haven t cared about much in a long time i think i ve had enough of this world maybe someone reading this will be able to be stronger than me but i think i ve had enough i just don t know what to do and there only seems to be one compact sized way out i m lost,Depression +38458,there are so many time where i feel the need to ask for help and i just try to push through it by myself because i know people are struggling with their own stuff i am tired of feeling like i need other people but also not feeling like i can be self sustaining idk,Depression +38459,sometimes i feel like a footnote in everyone life and that if i disappeared one day that no one would notice,Depression +38460,there were few class that interested me in college i chose a class called film amp acting and wa told i d could do video editing in that class turn out it wa a theatre class and i soon i wa doing absolutely nothing because i wasn t provided anything to do in the class am i stupid for not reading the description of the class that wasn t on the paper and can t find on the website,Depression +38461,every opportunity i have i always end up embarrassing myself no matter what thing like just communicating and anything that ha to do with the real world is so hard for me to get right i m so insecure and soft spoken and everyone probably know me a that weird shy kid thing i do when i m on my own like talking to myself or doing anything weird would never be okay in front of others i m never aware of what i do until somebody notice me and i get embarrassed instantly and i m so ashamed of myself i probably will never see anyone romantically or have any close friend because i m so immature and childish,Depression +38462,so far this year hasn t exactly been easy i ve been out of work cause my grandpa had back pain that he had to get surgery for then he had to be put in the hospital due to internal bleeding then he got diagnosed with cancer then he had to go to the hospital again due to fluid build up and if that weren t enough something happened between my dad and stepmom that had me afraid that they were gon na get a divorce or something thankfully thing had be getting better lately i managed to get an xbox series x my grandpa is out of the hospital and making a lot of progress on regaining his strength thing are now better between my dad and stepmom and a game i ve been eagerly looking forward to tiny tina s wonderland will be releasing this friday however my enthusiasm is starting to rain dramatically now i m getting to the point where i d have to work on final assignment and honestly i m not exactly feeling great about them one for my technical writing class ha so many step and aspect i have to try and think about that even though it s the one that ha me the least worried i feel myself getting depressed thinking about it but a for my maine history class that s the one that really ha me overwhelmed for that i have to write a term paper of at least double spaced page on an issue in maine history not only is that by far the biggest paper i would have to write since 0 0 but it s on a subject that i m seriously not exactly passionate about even though i m from maine i can t exactly think of any big issue in the state s history let alone one s i can write page about the closest thing i thought of is the fact that paleontology is very limited in this state but i m not exactly sure if that subject will fly and i m almost certain that won t be able to turn that into page now i m at the point where i m just absolutely sick of college and what assignment like this keep doing to me and my mental health i swear once i have enough credit for my associate degree i am fucking done with this shit i could keep going for my bachelor s but since i m going part time it will take me another year and i can t stand the idea of having to go through all that for that much longer,Depression +38463,my wife f wa doing great losing weight by walking and dieting but she expressed sn interest in working out in a gym so i bought her a gym membership for christmas a higher package that includes tanning and massage besides just the work out equipment she go night a week now after work i do kid duty in the evening after work and then just sit at home by myself if i ever try and make time for myself it is interrupted by work or home life i love my family to death would do anything for them but i have burning the candle at both end and never see any relief in sight it never stop someone always need something someone always want to bitch about something it just doesn t stop never i just want something for myself to go golfing uninterrupted to get a haircut without my phone buzzing my only release is yoga at night when the kid are in bed i know i should do it in the morning but i am just exhausted and can t i work 0 hour a week make sure all the bill are paid pick up the house every evening make dinner to time a week do homework with the kid every nigh do the dish do all the yard work and house upkeep i m just done i m spent and i feel like i can t take a second off or i will let someone down or be deemed selfish doe anyone else feel this way,Depression +38464,i m a sophmore in high school and i do no extracurriculars which bother me the most i think the only hobby i have is drawing and i lost interest in band over the pandemic and i dont have the motivation to get back in i dont take challenging class because im too lazy for the workload i can barely do basic hygiene i dont exercise at all and every day after school i go home and lay in bed alone doing nothing until i go to sleep to be honest i am happier with my life than i used to be because i finally have a decent friend group so i dont feel like im wasting high school really i just feel like a huge useless loser with no hobby in comparison to my friend i cant do the most basic of thing anymore because everything is so much harder,Depression +38465,i m year old and i never had a job only an internship a girlfriend and even a close friend for a long time the only thing i did wa finishing college and everything that i did after that wa to stay at home trying to find a job and failing at it i want to get over and be sucessful in my life but why doe it matter if i m already a total loser any normal person would look at an year old man that never had a job or girlfriend and say he s a loser even people from my family said that in another word sometimes i try to study programming other time i try to study thing in general but i know that i will fail and the people that hurt me will always be more sucessful than me so why i should even try,Depression +38466,i always have these time where i really think about myself in middle school and i get really fuckign sad i wa bullied and treated like shit but i never really admitted to it and wa always in denial about it i never really defended myself or stood up for myself and i wa really quiet and it make me want to slit my throat like i wish i just stood up for myself and defended myself and wasn t such a coward like i can t stop thinking about it and it really fuck up my mood and i always feel so shitty about everything like it s in the past and i can t do anything about it but i can t help but move on and it s constantly in the back of my mind it literally make my blood boil for some reason i have anger issue and when i get treated shitty for no reason especially when i m really quiet and shy it make me so fucking angry like why do u feel the need to pick on someone who s so introverted and clearly not very social like fuck you fuck them all and fuck every person who ever treated me like fucking shit in middle school elemantry school i hope they fucking burn espically this one kid named nick he made my life literal torture and the worst part wa that he wa in every one of my class fuck him and i will always wish nothing but the worst on him,Depression +38467,for most of my life i haven t had many significant relationship friendship i used to sit alone at lunch in high school sometimes i would even go to the restroom stall and just stand so i wouldn t have to face the embarrassment i would make good grade and work a lot to keep myself busy looking back i kept myself busy to distract myself from the fact that i m lonely i m 0 year old now and i still don t have a social life i ve only had one best friend in the entirety of my life and that friendship ended junior year of high school i ve also never had a boyfriend i ve dated someone before but that s the past sadly that situation ship further reinforced the idea of unworthiness that i feel i am coming to the realization that i have low self esteem i feel incapable of being loved and undeserving of it for some reason it always felt like i never fit in i would always overthink thing and not know what to say and how to keep the conversation going this lead to me thinking people will get tired bored of me eventually so there is no point i m literally cry because it s so frustrating when you want to change but these thought eat you up and prevent you from taking the necessary step to change i want to be able to go out without it feel draining to dress nice do my hair converse with others etc everything just feel exhausting and i have chosen not to picture myself being married one day or even having child because it s just how am i going to have a healthy everlasting marriage if i haven t had any experience so far,Depression +38468,lately it s been so hard whenever i m by myself driving i just wish i could let go let go of everything and just die i ve cried for so many day now i m tired i m exhausted i feel miserable hopeless i know my life isn t so hard i know there are better thing to look at i try i really do try everyday my heart hurt and i don t know why i feel so much sadness but whyy i wish i knew i wish i didn t always feel this way i catch myself laying down on my bed just staring off thinking of nothing i m trying my best everyday to at least not cry i want to get better i want to feel happy i want to look forward i have a date tomorrow with my boyfriend i ll start with that i miss him so much i m always hopeful and hope i don t drag him down he s so kind to me and ha always seen the best of me word can t describe how much he mean to me i m sorry for venting but it feel strangely nice thank you,Depression +38469,reason i m on the edge job search i m completely unemployable i lucked out and have had three real job since graduating college but i learned nothing from them i m now in my early 0 with no applicable job skill for today s market and keep getting rejection letter toxic shithead bos i put a lot of blame on this fucker he treat me like absolute shit and actively work against any career growth he ha huge anger issue a well so i m constantly walking on eggshell gossipy toxic coworkers they spread rumor about me that were untrue and constantly talk about people behind their back if we weren t remote right now and i had to be around them i d go insane so many of my workplace have been filled with these kind of fucker can t they mind their own goddamn business and just do their work humanity s fucked i ve been close with my family for a long time now but recently my parent have gone really far right i lean left and just hate a lot of their double standard my parent take that a an opportunity to take any anger out about the current state of the world on me at work and at home there is no source of relief i have no friend nobody give a shit i dream about using some of the money i ve earned up blowing it on thing i ve always wanted to do then buying a gun and shooting myself,Depression +38470,hey there feel good to talk to people who just a me suffer depression i never talked about it much on the internet though one of my best buddy who is a psychiatrist my parent and some other people know about it it s not many and i feel it s better this way but at least i can talk about it here a i am anonymous on the internet i hope anyways for me it s been many year that i am in a severe depression mine ha developed through a chain of various dumb decision i made that lead me to the place i m at now thing i can t change now can t simply make forgotten since the wheel of time keep spinning it s really interesting though a a 9 year old me would have never believed to suffer severe depression year later though it started many year ago back a a 9 year old i just graduated from school successfully and had every possibility like the world wa open to me a luxury many people sadly don t have and i wa dumb enough to not see clearly ahead of me thinking about what i wanted from life or where i would love to end up now i know and thinking back my 9 year old self should have known it s not really hard to figure out and i would tell my 9 year old self to think about it and keep chasing his dream especially since there wa so much time for it the path i walked though wa a pretty dark one nothing criminal nothing that would at first glance appear a particularly dark but i managed to scare away many people that in retrospect would have been great buddy friend and even girlfriend relationship like the old saying say you are your own worst enemy it s true it really is i have experienced it myself a far a i know there are two kind of depression depression that is genetically biologically caused and depression that is the product of bad experience and decision you made let s call it a reactive depression for me a you can imagine it wa the second and i could punch myself for it a what i did in all these previous year wa almost a textbook example of what not to do bad decision the worst part is that i have this mental image of an alternate reality where i didn t decide the way i did where i wa smarter and while i know it s a mental image it doesn t feel that way the worst thing is it s a devil chain a bad experience lead to me feeling worse while some people learn to hide their depression and keep smiling and joking in front of others just so that others won t realize how you truely feel i don t have that gift a i am usually in a bad mood and are perceived a a very unfriendly person by others which again lead to social alienation which make my depression even worse it s gotten really worse the last few year interestingly after coming back from being homeless and living on the street for half a year to a point where i don t want to live anymore where i want to forget,Depression +38471,i wan na bash my head against the wall till my brain fall out i m so exhausted i hate myself for the mistake i ve made i hate myself i wish i could start over again and not be such a fucking idiot why why did it have to go this way,Depression +38472,lately my best friend only long term friend ha just been brushing me off we joke for hour on end and i listen to them vent almost daily but when i brought up that i lost interest in all of my hobby again they go lmao same me a month ago and changed the subject i always put in an effort to be there for them even when i m in a low place and if i m not really able to feel empathy i tell them i refer them to help hotlines they refuse to get actual help i have given them every opportunity to get professional help by making a list of therapist in their area that take their insurance i ve given them every helpline under the sun whenever i have relative advice i give it to them but they always ignore it at one point i just stopped i stopped trying so hard and realized how much they rely on me to do everything for them they asked me a question i usually google it for them and summarize it i told them to google it they got annoyed with me so i cut them off for a few week whenever we started talking again thing were going well but of course a their type doe they eventually fell back into old habit this is strike for me and while i really don t want to lose the positive time we have together they just don t outweigh the negative i m tired i ve put in constant work and effort into being a healthy and stable a i am today and i m honestly not willing to slow down or trip up because of them i m open to any feedback or advice,Depression +38473,what is the point of living life suck life is hard 90 of the time the 0 that doesn t suck doesn t make up for the other 90 people say that i need to just keep on living because they would miss me they re selfish what about what i want i just want to blink out of existence before anyone start feeling like a knight in shining armor i know i m loved i know i m not alone i m know i m smart and valuable i know all the thing but none of those thing make up for the fact that i simply don t want to be here anymore,Depression +38474,i ve been taking fluoxetine for two year now and my ability to orgasm i m a girl ha completely gone out the window in that time i finally felt secure enough to ask to switch medication to one that doesn t have such an impact on my sex life and i ve just been prescribed mirtazapine l d be so grateful if anyone could share their experience on mirtazapine both sexual and otherwise i ve seen online it seems to take a lot longer to start working week and i m nervous about feeling worse in that time too i am continuing to take fluoxetine whilst we increase the mirtazapine so i don t go without doe it feel different to ssri s did it help your sexual life did it make you feel worse before it made you feel better what are the side effect like,Depression +38475,idk if anyone else get this feeling but i do and it never really go away i get this feeling everywhere and all the time like i just don t belong i always feel like i don t belong anywhere like no one will ever get me i know that sound kinda childish but it s true i just never belong anywhere and any time i try to talk about something i m very interested in it seems like i m the only one interested in these thing and i m always the one they call weird and ostracised i m always the butt of a joke with my friend and family i never get to talk about the thing i wan na talk about even my closest friend don t get me i just feel so alone all the time and it often lead me to making terrible decision any time i think i m happy i just ruin it then that lead me to get paranoid any time i m happy which again lead to me ruining it again i feel like this sound like nonsense but idk how to properly put this feeling into a coherent sentence sorry if this wa too long too,Depression +38476,life seems to be so unfair how come i am mentally struggling and unwell 0x more compared to people who abuse substance or i guess sometimes to people who just drink a lot smoke a lot of weed etc it doesn t seem to affevt them negatively meanwhile i am completely sober but seems to be going through so much shit sleep issue regardless of no substance abuse i jusy don t understand,Depression +38477,time go by so fast i had two day off work and i wasted them away just lying in bed i want to do something productive apply for college take a walk outside talk to girl literally do anything other than sink further into this constant malaise but i simply don t know where to find the energy putting effort into thing just drain me even more it s absolutely miserable the way life seems to be,Depression +38478,here i am back again currently it s am and i m holding back what can only be described a a mental break from my roommate and this dude who s also sleeping over it s really wild how there s a grey area over expression of emotion it s like emotion are only cool to be expressed when it s convenient to others and every other time is just a complete drag on society and those around you,Depression +38479,hi i m m i m pretty sure i have depression im sad literally all the time and i just wanted to explain a lot to get some feedback sorry if it s too much so im around 0 0lbs and ft so im fat no girl ever liked or like me i don t like myself i don t look good in clothes nothing i have a loving family but i feel so alone i constantly think about what it would be like to be a normal weight and have people actually like me i stay awake until am and wake up too tired to stay awake in school or on weekend i wake up at like or i ve been going to the gym day a week with my friend lost lb hopefully this help me shed the weight but even though i count calorie i constantly eat unhealthy or fast food i feel like i m a failure to my friend and family i had this girl who i talked to for many year her and i were very close and she finally pushed me away i constantly wonder if maybe i would still be close with her if i wa a normal weight i have no motivation and i can t cry anymore i try but it just doesn t come out i have nobody to tell all this a when i try they say it s too depressing and they don t want to talk about it anymore even though all this is going on i don t have any intention or even the slightest thought of suicide or self harm i just want to be normal and loved,Depression +38480,yeah once i m alone i get so so depressed i ve only been at home for a day because it s my off day and i m already feeling like shit like there s nothing to look forward to i would opt to go out but i don t have money for it to be a good day with friend i know that there are thing we can do that doesn t require money but food is a necessity and i can t really go out without spending on food i d go to a friend s house but i only have one friend who s house is always available but she life too far away it s really hard to realise that the only thing keeping me sane is distraction like work i try to be more involved with my family but they always make me feel like shit i try to reach out to my friend but they re always busy signing up for cool class like yoga or pottery or whatever would help me meet new people but it cost money and plus i work hr day a week it s hard to spare time and my adhd causing me time blindness doe not help at all like yeah i have free day but when you count in the hour i spend having executive dysfunction or procrastinating it s basically nothing i can t relax for shit when i m on my own it s hard to reach out to people when they don t take whatever i feel seriously i just wish they cared enough to reach out and be willing to spend some time with me even if we don t have money i hate being alone so much fyi i am on an internship and i m being paid 0 a month and my family is not financially stable,Depression +38481,i m have been feeling down lately and my mum brought up something today that really made me feel worse i want to disclaim that i do not at all blame my mother for this she wa bringing up a fair and valid point that i had been trying to ignore i am extremely lucky and go to a quite fancy school but my mother constantly feel the need to bring up that i m wasting all of the excellent opportunity there while this is true it suddenly hit me that she wa right and that i felt like i wa not only wasting school opportunity but my own life my sister also ha mental health issue and is seeing a psychologist and i feel like i need a similar set up however i feel awful about telling my mum that she will have to send her other kid to therapy a well is there any way to see a therapist by myself online or something,Depression +38482,i love my family i have a slightly distant yet mostly kind older brother a supporting and caring mother and a funny and relatable father i have a stable home life and have a roof over my head and i never starve i would say i have an amazing family and life yet i constantly ruin it i ve been sick and i ll probably need to repeat the grade even doing online course i don t know if i can even pas high school my parent have spent a lot of medical fund for a useless child i have no friend since covid started due to online course and the only people that i constantly to other than my family are doctor and my tutor i make sure that my family never find out i m suicidal though they don t need any more problem i don t even know if you would call me a suicidal a i only have suicidal thought daily i don t cut myself or do anything like that but the reason is because i want to see my family in japan one last time before i die we re going on a trip to japan this summer and that s the sole thing i m living for i m scared of the thought of what will happen to me once i no longer have anything to look forward to i know that at this point i ll probably kill myself the second we come back here at least i ll be known a the cousin who probably died first instead of the suicidal one or a drug addict i know how much my entire family pretend my cousin who is a drug addict doesn t exist so i know the horrid backlash that would occur if i survived i know that if i fail dying i ll fake a recovery before properly offing myself sorry this ended up turning into a suicide idolization rant if you managed to even read it this far i bet your thinking why don t i just get a therapist therapy solves everything not i had a therapist for a whole month and i hated the judging eye the subtle why are you here you have a great life and the fact that they treat you like some kind of test subject orochimaru like creepy people i honestly managed to connect more with my tutor that i ve only known for month who i only met once every two week on zoom never met her in person now i bet your thinking wait why did you contradict yourself you said that your family didn t know you are suicidal and yet you had a therapist it wa because i had to go to so many doctor so often that mother thought about my mental health and gave me a therapist i had the therapist or month before my mother decided that i wa just fine i thank my ability to hide suicidal thought well thank you reddit for letting me make this confession i felt like i needed to say it somewhere where no one would ever find out who i am,Depression +38483,for the past year and a half i ve had constant tiredness fatigue and just haven t felt like myself i used to be pretty active always working on project excited about life for the last year and a half i just feel like a shell of myself tired and meh i m also hungry constantly i ve seen my doctor and a few different specialist and had plenty of blood work done including thyroid and everything ha been normal no sleep apnea no anemia no lyme my doc said we have essentially ruled out most if not all straight up medical cause of fatigue beyond the possibility i m just not getting good sleep due to underlying stress or anxiety hard for me to tell how well i m sleeping not waking up refreshed but i m in bed for hr a night i ve begun to wonder if i m simply depressed since everything else ha kind of been ruled out i don t feel very sad and i don t feel hopeless i don t lack the motivation to do all the thing i love i just feel too tired or lazy to do them but i really want to be my old self again if i could snap my finger and have my energy back i d do it in a heartbeat how do i know if i m depressed,Depression +38484,how would you feel if you had told someone that you were depressed and then later on they said that to you idk how to feel ab it on one hand i m like ok that s really good that they see me the same way and not like just a depressed person on the other hand i don t feel so good bc it s like they don t acknowledge that part of me i guess what doesn t sit right w me is the fact that they perhaps have some sort of image in their head of what depression look like so when i m not explicitly expressing my depression they forget you have depression idk maybe i m overthinking this but y all lmk your opinion bc i m interested in other povs,Depression +38485,i came from my ex boyfriend year ago i lived year only like i wa breathing air and nothing more no interest no hobby no people only my room an pc and game i went trough some trauma and i thought someone found me a a person he heard me everything but couple day ago he got sick a he turned 0 he doe not care nothing i dont know what to do what to think i am overthinking about the worst thing that he will leave me after all i said to him did to for him everything i am in really bad condition due to my friend suddenly passed away depression and threatening a he did not handle it so yes he took his life i really miss the person who can i talk write i dont know what have i done i bought perfume for me i wrote to him he didnt even notice we were playing together but now we not when i asked him what is wrong with me he said nothing but when he played yesterday and i waited for him he played with his friend i literally cried the whole evening i feel i am not enough and i think when he will be fine it wont be like before,Depression +38486,i don t want to fight cause i know that won t work and i also know it s odd because they touch my poofy big curly hair probably because i m a guy and also when i sneeze they laugh and stuff and just say stuff like oh covid kid with the lion mane is spreading covid when in reality it s just my severe allergy,Depression +38487,been depressed my whole life it feel like i used to have hope maybe high school wa rough but college will be my time to have fun and be happy then college wa traumatizing but i told myself thing will be better once i get a job and am done with school well guess what the time ha come and working 9 is a hell worse than all the others my whole life ha been miserable and it ha only gotten worse and worse why on earth would i believe thing will get better it ha never happened that s just on a personal level too with everything that s going on in the world environmentally politically even if i wa a mentally happy person who can honestly feel optimistic about the future of humanity after experiencing the past couple year my spirit feel truly crushed in a way i can t even describe even if i heal some of my mental illness what s the point what do i have to look forward to working til i die the thing i d do just to feel happy for one day,Depression +38488,anyone know a good way i can work on not over thinking thing a much it s starting to take a toll,Depression +38489,year have passed but the only thing that doesn t seem to pas is this tough phase of loneliness i have had a very troubled childhood i wa bullied throughout school probably since every grade post th i didn t have any friend used to roam alone in school during recess coz sitting alone in class without friend used to make me feel really awkward and sad i am now graduated college but situation hasn t gotten that better i did make few society friend lately but they only contact me whenever they need my help or vice versa i tried talking normally too but to no avail they would simply seen zone me i tried dating site too many a time but they were a big flop they always ended up damaging my self esteem a i never ever got more than like whenever on festival when my society friend call me to hangout they always boast that how amazing their experience have been with girl in college someone wa hooking up with different chick in a single week someone else just competed year of relationship am the only fucking one in the entire group of 0 who ha never dated even once it make me feel really really sad and just completely destroys my self esteem i have never ever kissed a girl never held hand with any girl and it just go on and on it make me feel like a failure i feel like i got no one in life it s even tough to sum it up all in this post a there s just too much stuff to share the family issue failed attempt at getting a girl getting used by a girl and then getting blocked from her and much more it make it impossible for me to focus on my study thankyou so much for giving me your time lt much love,Depression +38490,i don t know if this is my depression or various other diagnosis i have ptsd anxiety etc but i ve been trying so hard to work on school stuff and i just can t do it i open the article i m supposed to read and i read the first sentence i know what word i m reading just like i know what word i m typing here but the time i get to the next sentence i ve completely forgotten what the previous one said it s become an awful cycle of re reading thing until i eventually give up and spiral into bad coping habit i feel like my brain is melting ha anyone else experienced this i feel awful because i m only i m supposed to be youthful and smart but i m just losing every part of who i used to be i have one job and that is being a student and i can t even do that right,Depression +38491,in 0 0 my wife and i moved back to my small hometown due to price of living and being closer to family since then it ha been just the worst year of my life the pandemic started getting serious so we distanced ourselves from my family because everyone wa still going out and acting like we weren t in a plague we have small child one ha a very weak immune symptom we were basically ostracized and told how selfish we were to a point where i got very close to taking my own life thing got better but i m not a close to my mom a i used to be the whole ordeal made me realize how much of a narcissist she is and that she turn everything into a fight recently we pulled my year old out of pre school because many kid i his class got covid with the intent of sending him back a soon a he can get vaccinated my mom is constantly fighting with me and my wife saying we are failing my son anytime i try to even explain my side she turn it into a fight i m at a point where i just can t do it anymore i m mentally exhausted in my head i m already planning on selling our house in the hopefully near future and moving this is just me venting because i have no one else to vent to i can t connect with anyone here in this town because most of them never got out,Depression +38492,every time i go home i would walk to the long bridge near the campus then wear my earphone so that i won t feel lonely a i walk through the bridge i d notice different soul some don t care others seem happy but few are just lonely a i am can they also see my soul so i d walk fast enough for them not to see mine i don t like going home because i would feel the loneliness more echoing through me however at the same time a i spend time outside i d feel how pitiful my life ha become seeing how others laugh and smile can they also feel the loneliness darkness brings every night maybe everything seems endless but i know i d be okay somehow someday i only need to wait a little bit more and be stronger so that this sadness wouldn t consume me faster than i d feel when my happiness come,Depression +38493,i m in my 0 and talking with my coworkers made me realize how different i wa they talk about the different party they ve been to and how drunk they got i don t think i ve been to a party with more than people where we were drinking i mostly drink alone and have no issue putting a liter down of 0 alchohol in an evening my life feel like only pain and alchohol is the only relief i get why do i live with this curse i have been severely depressed since i wa 0 i can t hardly remember life before depression i ve had a few attempt but always chickened out before i could take off the safety so i drink i dont like bar i already spend to much on cheap bottle of liquor i dont like drinking but it s the only relief i feel cheated out since i never experienced the fun of party where drinking wa about having fun rather than just drowning,Depression +38494,i can t stand feeling like nobody care anymore it sound weird and desperate but i really just want to love someone and them to love me back,Depression +38495,on the surface i can think of a lot of reason feeling ashamed about needing med worrying about side effect forgetting about them etc but at the end of the day i can t say exactly why i just know i don t want to take my med at the same time i know i need them i know that without them i simple task like showering and doing dish feel impossible i ll fall behind on my schoolwork isolated myself and sleep hour a day i know they work for me and that i ve felt much better when i wa taking them regularly but dang it i just don t want to take them one day i just ignored my alarm to take them and then i ve kept doing it now i take them so sporadically that they can t be doing much they re an ssri and mood stabilizer so they need to build up in your system and such part of me think maybe i just hate the daily reminder that i m not ok like i think that maybe if i ignore it for long enough i ll forget that i feel that way but even knowing that may be a part of it it doesn t feel like that s all there is to it and i don t know what to do about it mostly i m just wondering if anyone else feel like this too and if you do do you know why you feel that way and what may have helped you get back on track with taking them regularly i ve talked to my therapist and friend but i haven t been able to really figure out the full reason i feel this way or how to get back to taking them regularly if you ve dealt with this before or think you may understand why this resistance to taking med is happening i d appreciate hearing some potential reason or way to improve this of course everyone s mental health is unique so i may not relate to someone else s reason but i would still really appreciate hearing any potential one so i can understand my feeling about this a bit better,Depression +38496,i ve been having this thought that depression is very to addiction the harder you try to push away depression usually the harder it rip you back in additionally non adicts non depressed think they are strong enough to put down the pill or booze for good or just brighten up and snap out of depression,Depression +38497,it so hard to open up to people because even the one im close with forget about meksksjsjshdjsjs i ll die and they ll wonder why didn t she say anything well babe i did but nobody cared enough to remember the urge to make everyone feel guilty over it is real,Depression +38498,i ve been dealing with depression for pretty much a long a i can remember wa diagnosed with it a a child some day are better than others the same can be said about the month and even year to be honest i never thought i would make it to the age i am now and have never really given any thought to what i wanted out of life besides the basic thing like friend loved one and many even a romantic partner outside of that i am lost i don t have a dream job in mind really and i don t have any set goal i m getting older and it feel like the wall are closing in on what time i have left and i don t know what to do i have friend and family who love me but they have their life pretty much together at this point or are close to their goal i have a job i hate no career option i can t drive and don t have any education outside of high school i feel like i just exist i have to rely on people for ride which make me feel like a burden i don t have enough money to make it on my own so i live with my parent i feel like friend keep me around out of pitty because i tend to be the one to start every conversation i m a part of people s life but have nothing of my own i don t know what to do anymore i know i m not at my worst yet because some thing still bring me some joy but none of that fix the problem i have no motivation i try to reach out for help but i don t exactly get any i pretty much get pushed to the back burner a lot and i get it people have their own thing to deal with but i need help i can t do this alone because doing it on my own isn t working i just want to leave this place i m in the job the town the everything probably and find what i want whatever that is i don t even know if i m looking for advice or just to have someone tell me i m not crazy,Depression +38499,i just feel really alone talking to ppl might just drag them down with me too idk reddit rlly is just the only place i can truly share my feeling on,Depression +38500,i fucking hate how you start to get to know someone and think they re pretty cool then they block you on everything and it just fuck suck make me want to cry all day and just ignore everyone but i know i can t,Depression +38501,i ve always been this put together person in people s eye but in reality i m so close to the end i see no light at the end of the tunnel i have no passion motivation and anything that generates to being happy i don t know what to do i m in constant despair i don t really like opening up to anyone i know i just feel like there s nothing i can do to fix this,Depression +38502,i m in my early 0 and realized it ll almost be 0 year since i wa diagnosed the time of my life supposed to filled with fun memory have been nothing but pain i don t intend on living another decade like this,Depression +38503,simply put i did not take college or any role post h seriously it s why i m forever living with limitation,Depression +38504,i ve struggled with suicidal thought for a long time and i ve been close to attempting many time but there wa a day about a month ago on which i stopped drinking water out of desperation i hoped to die from dehydration i wa aware that it wouldn t work since i don t live alone and someone would notice i wa also aware that dehydration would be a slow and painful way to go that s why i started drinking water again on the next day wa this an attempt it didn t really feel like one because i wa nowhere near of dying but the intention wa there,Depression +38505,you exit the game when you re bored or if you don t like it or if it make you feel bad right you don t snoop around for literal year waiting for the stagnant and painful game to get better right so i don t understand why i m still here i guess i m just afraid to exit the game because i ve been playing it my whole life i don t know what i ll do when i leave it it s like my game is plagued with a virus no matter what i do it won t get better i ve tried my hardest and my best to fix it fix the root of it but i ve been cursed since birth and no matter what i do it won t get better it s why i m so depressed because it will never go away i either live with it or die i am so fucking over playing this game i m so over cry and feeling like shit every waking moment i have to play the game i don t want to play anymore,Depression +38506,the thought of living the rest of my life with depression is so sad and i don t think i can handle it i am already dead inside but i still have to live with my body i couldn t see my life other than being boring and empty there is just nothing to look forward to the regret from my past keep haunting me and there is no way to stop it no matter how hard i try to improve every day is the same a i dropped out from college and currently unemployed with unsupportive parent i believe my life is already in ruin,Depression +38507,i don t have someone emotionally close by my parent do love me but it s cold and lack intimacy i am looking to feel emotionally safe i am trying to find a girlfriend with whom i can be safe emotionally but till them i feel i am fighting alone with no one to give me a hand if i fall emotionally to get up so i fear doing lot of thing i live in state of fear like i might one wrong thing with a date work etc and domino will fall and everything will come crumbling down which will now even push me off my physical safety couple of thing about me i am m brown man from india currently living in europe i had childhood where i had oppositional defiant disorder imagine the junior healy from problem child or the movie the babadook but he had understanding father i didn t had such supporting figure and school made it clear to my mother if he isn t disciplined he will be kicked out of school and she fearing i would not have better future without school education i will be left behind she implemented corporal punishment like kicking me hitting with metal rod etc and routine shaming at school for me being bad wa common getting kicked out of class wa common so much that now i joke about my childhood a being and outstanding student because of many time i wa to stand out of class there wa a point when thing got to boiling point that my mom wished i wasn t born to her eventually i realized the pain i caused people about me i started to doing thing to make others my mom happy well i tried it didn t worked always i never lost my rebel streak but a constant ping in my head would haunt me of thing i have done to cause others inconvenience in past somewhere down the line i lost myself and i trying to be myself but i fear of falling in my old self and everybody hating me i have fear of judgment like one recent example i live in white neighborhood and given the medium doesn t have that many positive image of young brown man other than extremely nerdy or extremely creepy and i fear if i like someone who isn t brown might judge me don t get me wrong if a stoic brown girl come in my life with good sense of humor and decent looking i don t mind having a relationship with her but i fear if we both have exposed to similar set of medium trope she might judge me by same parameter i try to use humor a coping mechanism to make people around me happy but then get in overthinking and depression mode if one person doesn t laugh or find me annoying i have intimacy issue i think i don t remember exact detail but i wa being cheeky a usual with a girl back in india she wa laughing at my joke and at one point she said you so cute and hugged me that feeling of hug felt so foreign that i stood there frozen i am hyper independent cause my mom have warned me since childhood that world is not safe place and people can take advantage of you so never be under anybody s thumb which i guess make sense not gon na lie but it also make you skeptical of lot of people which is also not good i guess i will help someone with no second thought but asking for help make me feel like keep a large rock on my heart so i forgo my need seeing happy couple make me depressed a i feel left behind like i should have done this long time ago anybody can tell me something or provide me with link or insight a for now i couldn t afford therapy i am trying to find one i am in talk with a therapy at a church in a city thanks a lot,Depression +38508,today i finally shoved the last person out of my life that i wa keeping around only because i didn t want to feel completely and utterly alone it s ok they were using me for their own benefit a well but i broke down i realized that i m depressed again i wa trying really really hard to avoid admitting it to myself but i am ive gained about 0 pound in two month some of which i had lost and wa feeling really good about i have absolutely no friend left im struggling in school really bad so bad that i don t think i m going to graduate highschool this year and i don t have a car anymore so all i m doing is going to work or sitting at home in my room when i say i have absolutely no one i really truly mean it i couldn t name one friend that i have and my family doesn t like me either they always say that you really do have people but i don t and i can t talk to people because of the pandemic i have terrible social anxiety and i can t connect with people i m overweight and getting worse so it s not like i m approachable i truly don t believe that people would care if i wa gone sure someone dying is terrible and it s sad of course but me being gone wouldn t really affect any one after awhile i m getting to a point where i don t know whether i should wait for thing to get better or give up it s really feeling like there s no point in waiting because thing aren t going to get better no matter how long i wait i m really losing hope and i don t know what to do anymore i cant afford therapy and i really don t have anyone else to talk to,Depression +38509,hi everyone i find myself in a sad situation and i can t really seem to be able to find a way out or support so i thought i could write about it here i m 0 and moved to study abroad month ago i love college and i love what i do i am fairly aware i am privileged in more way than one and that i should be happy about it but it s not enough when i left i tried my best to leave everything behind a much a i could because i know i will never live in my home country again and that s sort of the goal anyways a someone who ha generalized anxiety overall i am also aware that this wa a very big step in itself i have been struggling with depression and anxiety that also take toll on my physical health from time to time since i moved but everything got worse a few week ago i had a week long break from university and i forced myself not to go home so i can be more accustomed to living here the problem wa that i barely went out for week being too anxious to do so and also my neighbour and friend wa also visiting her home country i felt very alone and isolated now i started college again and i realise every day how stupid that wa and i m stuck on wanting to turn back time which i know is impossible i cry every day i wish to go home and i have major problem performing at university i honestly don t know what to do i feel hopeless and alone if anyone ha any advice i would really appreciate it thank you,Depression +38510,it s like no matter what i do i fuck it all up why am i a giant fuck up machine,Depression +38511,i don t feel a will to live i don t want a family i don t want to work a 9 for 0 year and then die i have friend they care about me and my family is very loving but i can t see myself just being another copy of a human who is normal speaks normal and act normal i don t feel like doing anything if i end up just being a man who dosen t really live i ll just kill myself,Depression +38512,i m on lexapro 0mg i feel is going well and i think lexapro saved my life but somedays i feel like i have no energy not interested or is super hard to get out from bed is this normal i mean i have a good experience with lexapro but for a reason that i don t know somedays are just awful i ll talk this with my doctor but i would like to know if someone experimented the same,Depression +38513,i m not sure if this a thought process shared by few or many but it s one i wanted some clarity on i ve suffered with mental illness since my later high school year and and now starting my rd year of university i have ambition and desire and all the intent in the world to do good with myself and be the best i can be i have goal not super defined which i think is a result of my illness but i just can t bring myself to really go for it i ve been skipping class cause of anxiety issue whilst simultaneously being completely aware of how much of my life is being wasted away because my brain won t let me do what i want to do is this a common thing it s a complete self awareness of what i m doing wrong but an incapability to change it really would like some thought on this,Depression +38514,i wish i had someone i could talk to i know they wouldnt care but itd be nice to know i have friend,Depression +38515,i always feel like i dont matter,Depression +38516,in this post i will reveal the center to my problem and i better get started ive never been in a relationship before strangely i never really been attracted to many people before but recently back in november while i wa riding my bus home i seen a girl who blew my mind away she s so beautiful she s everything i find attractive she still ride my bus and i usually sit right behind her she never talked to me and i never talked to her the only interaction we had wa when she handed me a clipboard to right my name because the bus driver wa making seating chart i can t stop thinking about her i want to talk to her so bad but i never will because i m lame and have no social skill it s hard to cope with knowing there someone who relates to you so much you see everyday but not being able to go say hi it suck i m not mad i m just fucking sad man i want to cry,Depression +38517,i m and i feel like my life is completely pointless i struggle with ocd and most of the time it consumes my every waking thought i go to therapy but somehow i never end up doing the homework and i m not making a much progress a i should be i go to my local community college even though i do really well in my class it doesn t feel like an accomplishment i originally got into a good university but dropped out very quickly due to poor mental health now a lot of my previous friend have actually graduated with degree from year university while i m still kind of stuck i can t drive and i don t have a friend group i have one close friend and a few acquaintance but i struggle with making new close friend because i am extremely socially anxious i used to have more friend but i ve burned most of those bridge looking at my life i don t really see much to live for i feel disconnected from everyone else in society and i can t escape my anxiety every stride i make seems to be temporary and i am so tired of having to struggle through every day i don t really have a point i guess i m just venting i honestly don t know if anyone can do anything for me i know i need to do the work myself it just feel pointless,Depression +38518,fuck myself fuck life fuck people fuck society fuck everything because fuck fuck fuck all of this bullshit i would ve never fucking chosen life why am i expected to live it fuck just fuck all of this,Depression +38519,i am suicidal almost everyday i have about half a semester left of my st year of college i am constantly studying or driving to school or doing homework i do not have time to go to the doctor for my mental health but i think it s gon na be too late one day i simply can not find the motivation to use one of my limited free day during the week to go to the doctor because i d rather lay in bed because i m depressed this is the worst sickness ever,Depression +38520,i really need a diagnosis my body hurt sometimes not in a pain way but like a close relative ha died my heart sink my hand shake but it s over a very minor thing my head is saying everything is fine logical but my body feel horrible like i want to burst into tear i d rather physical pain than this i ve broken my finger punching stuff just to snap out of it which work but the best way is for someone to tell me i m wrong tell me that i m thinking stupidly but it s ok and that everything is alright and then it go away this ha happened for a couple year now and i hate it and i need some help it s happening a i write this and i have no one to talk to to feel alright and my head went straight to punching something so i can feel alright again but i know i shouldn t do that i d really appreciate some help,Depression +38521,month ago i wa hospitalized because deperssion i wa diagnosed with depression they put me on abilify and depakote not first time on med year ago i wa on seroquel depakote and klonopin because my psy tought i wa bipolar but maniac phase or psychosis never happened and fit me i remember the last day in hospital i had this urge need of masturbate orgasm were beautiful and after i got home i had for a week these urge of masturbation and good orgasm but only in masturbation a i remember not in sex too someone had the same experience i wa recently diagnosed with adhd my psychiatric tapered off abilify and im now mg next week 0 i started with depakote 0 mg and 0 mg abilify next week i will be start again ritalin for my adhd why i had this increased libido thank you everybody,Depression +38522,it s my fourth week withdrawing from paroxetine mg cr and currently i m on 0mg daily but i m going through hell will have 0 mg every alternate day starting next week pray for my soul,Depression +38523,today my teacher called me and told me if i had trouble in class because i didnt do any of the activity she assigned she asked me specifically if i had trouble at home which i don t it somehow made me felt validated since i dont really have much to be sad about and she thinking i had it worse lmao in truth im probably just a whiny little kid that just want someone validation everyone around me tell me that im just lazy my parent and my cousin that wa once the person closest to me the worse part is that it like pm and i still didnt do shit and it suck because i have to go tomorrow again and she ll ask again i dont want to tell her anything because she ll probably call my mom or something lol she doesnt deserve this either dont want her to do something significant and care too much about me it not worth it im not worth it,Depression +38524,hello i ll try to keep this brief i grew up in an abusive household and came to study in the u to get away from that last semester i wa assaulted my therapist say i might have some sadness and depression and i know i do but my main concern is how since starting college i literally even if my life depended on it can not focus on work i don t know if this is due to lack of motivation due to depression or some attention issue i think it might be a combination i m going to hopkins this summer for an internship and plan to see a psychiatrist there who can diagnose me any idea what kind of psychologist i should look for,Depression +38525,i m really close to my family and my parent are the most important people in my life which make me so scared for the day that one of them dy and our life change this is my biggest fear and the worst thing is that it will actually happen some day this fear of losing the most important people in my life ha also affected my love life a in i m scared to get into a serious relationship or to think about a future with someone i really love kid but i don t think i would be able to handle all the pain if something wa to happen to them all of this make me think that maybe this really is a hell on earth did i do something bad in my previous life that now i m in hell of my own thought i wonder if there are others with these worry and making you scared to love people say that grief is the price you pay for love but i don t think i can mentally handle that and sorry if i made some grammar error english is my second language,Depression +38526,i don t quite remember the dream part of it wa strange like all dream the place and the people who were with me changed and i don t know exactly who they were a bit like all dream but i remember that at one point i came to my room i saw a girl reading one of my book i sat next to her i gave her a kiss and she told me that she loved me i ve been awake for hour and i m still holding back the urge to cry,Depression +38527,fuck toxic positivity you have every right to feel angry pissed depressed frustrated sad numb tired exhausted if your life s shit no even if your life isn t shit it s fucking okay,Depression +38528,im fucking drunk at 9am even if im fucking with my life still ahead of me i don t wan na do this anymore i dont even have a house anymore i have nobodt y fck i cant even type noboidy i just want to end thing but im too scared to even kill myself hpw do i do it without failing i often imagine others doing it for me can someone help me do it where can i go to do it i think it will irresponsib e for me to just jump into traffic a i don t want others to suffer i just want to go quietly are there any service like that why is it so hard to log out of this life anybody wan na kill me no string attached we are the breath,Depression +38529,i have been living my sadness for a year i lost my wife and i don t want to continue here i want to see her again i want to be with her i am trying to continue my life but i miss her so much,Depression +38530,since i wa diagnosed with depression my mother pretty much didn t care about the case that i have it every time i try to approach to her and like to talk about my problem she just groan annoyed about it and tell me to be more positive no deep conversation no sight of empathie only typical standard bullshit phrase every person would say who never had it and can t understand it i went through some ruff shit and after everything that happend i just get those bland annoyed response from the person who gave birth to me,Depression +38531,i am still doing online class my college take me hour to reach and i feel comfortable without expending gasoline car stuff and heat i live in a place where is a dessert and one of my only type of interaction is social medium i use most instagram and reddit and just today a girl who i think is pretty and everything just told me thing about why am i like her photo and i wa like this is serious she wa mad about it she wa mad because i like her photo and profile i don t have friend i ve been mentally unstable for almost year i always wan na kill myself and i believe death is the true freedom and these kind of thing happening wtf doesn t help doesn t work i know i should just ignore her and understand my position and situation but wtf humanity she said to stop doing that to others and do something else and i wa girl these are the only place where i met and i can meet people why i d feel bad about it fuck,Depression +38532,i can feel tired all day but a soon a i m in bed i can t sleep i lay in bed for hour with my eye closed unable to sleep i have tried melatonin but it make it hard for me to wake up i have just been having a lot of trouble sleeping even when i m able to sleep i always wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake i just wan na be able to sleep early for once and be able to feel well rested in the morning any advice,Depression +38533,even today it s a strain on society people thinking people with depression are over acting lazy making excuse even with the people who believe in it they still don t know how bad it get thinking you can change that everything will be okay or my own personal favorite a lot of people have it worse i remember finally reaching out for help on the hotline only to have the police knock on my door handcuff me and take me to the hospital i wa next to the ambulance triage door and saw multiple people enter and exit while screaming and a patient in front of me decided to do perverted act in front of me i m more traumatized by the help i got also where i live the mental health place for teen is a death trap there are many one star review for one of the few main mental health place where i live it suck that i want to get help but society just literally treat me like i m wrong or that the place where i want to get help aren t safe i do have a therapist but i still don t feel safe around her,Depression +38534,i don t know what to so with my life i m tired of trying i m in med for my bipolar and bpd but i just can t anymore i m mad i can t be sad because of the med and it s making me crazy i can t feel anything just i feel like live it s pointless to me i only enjoy when i live for others and i don t have anyone i m tired,Depression +38535,i m an year old male and i have spent my last couple year with little hope and lot of sadness i am writing this after failing my rd driving test 0 each i have failed my test time and just been working a fuck tonne at mcdonald s to pay for my repeated failure that s not the start though i m estranged from my family my biological dad left probably for a good reason been threatened to be kicked out my house keep in mind i need to pas my test before i leave my house for a job which is making it even more stressful most in part to my drug addiction mainly weed yes weed i ve tried to quit weed time in the last month and the furthest i ve achieved is four day before smoking again this girl i really liked dipped after one night i wanted to go to uni but got a senior year score of about out of 99 at this point i just think i m going to fail forever i feel almost selfish for making myself sound like i m experiencing what ukrainian are right now but the constant cloud of pain is so much can someone please help me see the bigger picture i m sorry,Depression +38536,i 0m recently had to move back in with my parent and i have become incredibly depressed due to many reason living here they aren t too keen on therapy and i wa looking into cerebral doe anyone have any experience and can give an honest review of it,Depression +38537,i have hit 0 and i had friend from highschool left i kept seeing them for the last few year but when i see them now i feel lonely and i basically cut content a few week back i have one friend left who is going through load of stuff and hardly ha any time to hang out so i basically feel so alone all the time it s crippling i feel like i m a ghost in this city no friend left no opportunity i just feel like i failed not getting out of here sooner i live in perth western australia and i wanted to move to melbourne year ago and a i wa getting ready covid struck and now i m stuck in a city i hate with people that don t value friendship i wa seeing a girl form month and she ended up cheating on me with my friend and her ex husband she broke my heart told me she loved me i invested a bit of money in cryptocurrencies and i ve 0k fuck i had enough for a deposit on a house or a new car what do i do instead i let my depression destroy me i spent 0k on hooker and weed i went through month of pure destruction i am sitting on 0k left now in cryptocurrencies i doing a bachelor of marketing and i wa going to elaborate graduating with my friend yet after the girl cheated on me i wa emotionally fucked i dropped down from unit to unit then i found out my brother wa raped he is and that dropped me so low i should have protected him then i finally got off the weed a month ago and now i have this crippling depression that keep getting deeper i keep isolating myself i don t go outside because i don t have a job i m working on getting down to the mine here so i can actually earn a living and buy some cryptocurrency honestly turning 0 ha been the worst for me i m at such a cross road and my mental strength ha been reduced to nothing the other day nearly drove myself off the road on a steep hill i thought of my family last minute and decided not to,Depression +38538,they said if i got off my lazy as and got a job my depression would go away i d finally have a reason to live that i would be more confident and happy and now that i have a perfectly pleasant job with good pay i feel miserable i think about tomorrow with the utmost dread even tho i know tomorrow won t be so bad the worst thing that can happen is i ll embarrass myself or say something awkward but when i think about going to work tomorrow the next immediate thought is well honestly i d rather just not be alive everyone told me once i got a job and stopped being a disappointment i d be happy but now i might have some money and can pay some bill but that s it i don t feel more confident or fulfilled i feel lonelier than ever because if i tell anyone i d rather die than go to work i ll come off a spoiled and entitled instead of someone whose brain is always stuck in the flight response,Depression +38539,i stopped my dad from killing himself yesterday and idk what i should do i don t know how to help him i offered to help him talk to a therapist but he said no i m afraid to lose him when i pulled the gun out of his hand he looked so scared and overwhelmed he even said thank you for now i took the gun from the house i hope to god it wa just a one off and he won t try again but i don t know how to help i know i can call 9 and they will put him in a hospital for his own safety i don t know i m scared of doing that he doesn t like hospital any help would be appreciated i m completely lost,Depression +38540,even after year i still feel the hole that she made i m trying so hard but nothing work,Depression +38541,i know it s getting to a low point again i don t want to leave my bed my grade are low my mom is worried and if she doesn t bring me food to my room i would eat i can t shower i can t help myself from sleeping i told my boyfriend and i feel like he is not here for me not with this depression stuff i don t want to do all i do is cry and sleep i m so tired and i don t even move to go to the bathroom i hate being in this loop i just hate everything and i don t want to talk to anyone but i know i need help i thought i wa doing better but i m at my lowest again,Depression +38542,i have a hard time articulating how i really feel and it frustrates me to no end i just wan na let it all out but it so hard it make it a lot difficult to seek help when i can t really explain what i m feeling and thinking about i can somewhat recognize what i m feeling but the moment i try to write it down or explain it my mind go blank though i can say a part of me doe feel guilty for unloading all my problem onto someone so maybe thats one of the reason i m unable to reach out to people for help plus another part of me is like trying to convince myself i m actually ok and faking it or being overdramatic which also stop me from saying anything so i usually turn to the internet to see if there s anyone who might feel the same way and could explain it in word better than i can i m sort of relieved to know that there are other people feeling exactly what i m feeling cause it really make me feel like i m not alone in this although it really suck that we all have to go through this i m not in a good state right now so i can t really give word of encouragement without feeling like a hypocrite but yeah you re definitely not alone in this,Depression +38543,i am afraid that they are gon na abandon me or hurt me when people talk around me sometimes i feel out of place and i start to daydream and isolate myself i am afraid to love someone i am afraid that they will realize that i am worthless and abandon me so i stay alone single and i have a hard time loving myself i don t take my place i don t like going out in group often i find that the group move on without realizing that someone is left behind it make me sad i ve had different friend and i ve evolved over time there have been more enjoyable group and i am doing therapy since year yet i don t fit in anywhere i feel traumatized plugged into a different wave it make me want to run away from everything i feel like i don t have what it take inside of me that i don t know how to find myself what can i do,Depression +38544,my spouse say they are a highly sensitive person based on some reading that they have done they re also a mental health professional so they may not be jumping to conclusion too soon but i have some concern they have a lot of mood swing low self esteem and self confidence when they re not working they re almost always doom scrolling on instagram they have no interest in outdoor activity and they re also easily affected by the issue of client they see a a part of their job i see all this and tell them that they may need to see a therapist themselves because i had similar symptom and got mental health help myself but i m almost always met with a snappy response saying that they re just highly sensitive and don t see the need for therapy thought anyone,Depression +38545,i m miserable most of the time but life is only bearable when i m with my cat but i don t think i m her favourite person anymore she stopped cuddling with me and never sleep with me now instead she spends most of her time with my brother and only come to me when she need food it s been like this for a few month and it really hurt i don t know what to do i m thinking of getting a dog when i eventually move out but that s so far from now,Depression +38546,so tired i struggle to wake up in the morning because i dont want to i want my life to be quicker yet it so slow i wish thing were genuinely better,Depression +38547,doe anyone else feel like this there nothing in life that make me think yeah i genuinely wan na be here ive attempted suicide before and i dont think i necessarily wan na die it just there nothing about life that i like i hate school i hate working i hate waking up i hate getting out of bed i hate having resposibilities i hate everything that come with living i hate everything to do with society money etc i have no motivation to get up and make a change hell i dont even want to at this point i dont see why i should nothing really satisfies me anymore too im currently in the process of getting a therapist so maybe they ll help me figure out what i should do but everything about life i hate if there anyone else who feel like this what are you doing to combat this feeling is there anything i can do im only it feel wrong to feel like this at such a young age,Depression +38548,somewhat a depression post but i feel a if i don t know what my preference is i like men and woman but at the same time i ve never felt that emotionally just sexually am i just a weirdo or is their a statement for it,Depression +38549,i ve been getting worse and worse for over a decade every year ha been worse than the last the worse loss i could ever imagine my father happened just a couple week ago i have stopped working and given up on the few thing that kept me going my th is at the end of april and i don t see myself making it to then at this point,Depression +38550,my brain just doesn t work i almost feel retarded with this costant foggy brain feeling that i have my head is completely foggy i can t even do simple task properly such a making the bed drive ecc i need to read a sentence multiple time before getting it now everytime i try to do these thing my brain just can t concentrate on the step to do them and i end up feeling even more depressed how is this possible my executive function is fully impaired at this point i ve been dealing with this shit since two year at least and i m just a shadow of what i used to be,Depression +38551,why can t people just accept i m tired of living i never asked be here i just want a day to say my final goodbye like what people do to elder so why can t i im happy with the memory i made but i don t want to continue i m done,Depression +38552,it still suck m that ha a job that a lot of people wish they had hr showed me that they received over 00 application for my position i moved to a new city for this job right before covid took over can t seem to make friend or meaningful connection with anyone in just over year i don t really have hobby and dread coming home to an empty house every night i ve always struggled with self esteem and this crushing loneliness ha me struggling yo get out of bed nobody call or even sends me text message i have no one that care about me i m already hiding so much including my emotion just desperately hoping someone i know reach out to me life is hard i get that and i know it s not easy for anyone but so many people i know have it so much easier their constant smile and laughter hurt but i hurt even more pretending to smile and laugh with them i ve ended up losing the passion and drive i once had got my career and am truly lost no friend no family no career no future fml,Depression +38553,like the title say i have no idea who i really am i question myself and wonder if i am a good or bad person lately everything in my life ha sucked and i just want it to be over w this is not a confession btw i m ok i won t harm myself i just mean the disorder to go away i need to go back to therapy and get on medication maybe,Depression +38554,have a brain tumor worst part is i have no one to help me or comfort me good news is i know that if i tell them i will make it worse if they can t handle the small stuff they can never handle this i m so alone it not even going life threatening,Depression +38555,i have been going to therapy for roughly year now and i feel like it isn t helping i have minute appointment bi weekly but i feel like the minute isn t enough time for me it take a bit more time each appointment to get recomfortable with a therapist if that make sense by the time i feel comfortable we barely get into anything important and i leave feeling unsatisfied i ve seen multiple different therapist and this is common with all of them i feel like i might need to find a new provider who doesn t follow this protocol but this is a common practice in my area doe anyone have advice on how to break through the awkward part each time and get down to what i need help with are there therapist out there who see people for more than min hr at a time,Depression +38556,hi i m intense uncomfort in social setting worsening hygiene teeth pretty bad body pain from not eating properly anymore like almost fainting from the stair my body is really weak feeling too and like these fucking muscle twitching and joint pain no motivation just wanting to lay down fucked sleep and loneliness is making school suffocating i think body pain is the worst but even if i actually go to the doctor she ll just fucking tell me to eat better which i know that s the issue i m prob not going to do i m in charge of my meal and om mazy so i ve been eating frozen i just lay down everyday after coming home usually nap like usually my body feel like it s breaking down while i m there i always feel like cry at school which is fine but i have to keep dealing w this by myself is hard i m not realistically going whine about this to anyone i can t open up i tried to speak to the counselor but i only mentioned not eating properly so she just told me to eat and join a study group people don t like me generally esp adult so it s kinda no use fot me i have definitely thought about dying or getting beat up i prob won t but i m a bit stupid and hopeless at this point so my weekend i just lay in bed all day literally that s it my single parent father doesn t value thing like this it s just financial if i get hurt it s generally a burden which i m used to i just need to get my shit together,Depression +38557,my friend that understand what i ve been through and know how much i ve struggled and how far i ve come always find a way to kick me down i m always the second option i m always the one they come to for help when i sit in my room and rot when i show sign of being in a horrible state they just ignore me they tell me i have attitude problem they treat me like i want to be this way yet they always say they re there for me always they lie with no remorse they ignore me when i m in need genuine help they only do what make them comfortable and what make them feel good i always stick my neck out for them and i never get anything in return i tell them i want to hang out and they just lie they lie and lie and lie i call them out and then they ignore me and they wonder why i want to kill myself,Depression +38558,recently went through a breakup so that s adding to this feeling but doe anyone else feel like they are simply just living day to day for the sake of it without direction yes i have goal etc but in the past when i ve reached goal nothing ha made me feel different anyone else feel aimless all the time i also used to be able to see where i wanted to be in or year now i can t even imagine what life will be like in to month can anyone relate,Depression +38559,i feel a if life is winning i simply dont want to be here anymore i cant tell if im loved by my parent because it certainly doesnt feel like it i feel like they just use me a a maid and thats just how ive been taught since i wa younger so there not and reason to think that im unable to every week feel the same monday friday is homework with study group and im struggling in class because i cant remember shit it not that i dont pay attention in class it that i am mentally unable to rememebr shit i know back in high school i never had the problem then two year of covid hit and now im aa dumb a rock in a engineering major ive wanted to switch so many time every semester but each time someone talk me out of it ive told my parent twoce already but they insist that i finish school before trying to learn other thing i cant tell if my girlfriend love me anymore after the argument we had a week or two ago about me playing clash of clan and not giving her attention even though i feel like im doing everything i can to give her attention i cant sleep anymore and i just find myself staying up late and repeating the cycle it not like im not trying to better myself either i go to the gym with my friend at school and ive been doing it for week now i just thought it would help me get into the right mindset and help me focus more on school and maybe bring me out of this year depressive episode ive been in since covid started but nothing ive done work now im afraid that i have been pushing my gf and my close friend away and i just want to end it all i just want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffic where i will have no chance of recovering i just want to go so badly but i cant im trapped not by others but by myself cry doesnt make me le of a man right,Depression +38560,anyone else just done i m at a point in life where nothing is going bad and i understand i m blessed to be in such position but at the same time nothing going good my friend group have dissipated i rarely hang out with people everyday is just a repeat of the last what do i do it s getting lonely,Depression +38561,i think my friend is depressed he isn t the same and he s going through a lot his girlfriend cheated and he recently found out he is adopted and i want to know how to help him,Depression +38562,whenever i m about to fall down in the dump i start having a very very intense feeling of disgust everyone and everything feel gross to me i start hating my mother s laugh and voice i hate every smell i start hating myself even more i feel gross when i look at the mirror i want to hide and i wish i were dead everything feel bigger and more detailed i start eating like a pig and feel horrible ha someone felt this way do you know how to snap out of it it s better when i m just tired of everything not grossed out i m tired of this stuff,Depression +38563,i don t want to die i just want to not be here anymore every time i ve tried to explain this to someone they can t seem to understand i just want stop feeling this way,Depression +38564,i m sincerely done with this living my saving ha finally dried up i will soon lose my home my car and am unable to find work regardless i m just done i ve grown so tired of being tired,Depression +38565,it s in the morning working tuesday but except me everybody else is working i am here glued to the bed feeling extremely disoriented the room is a mess have no appetite my plant need care important work need to finish i don t know somebody like found the switch and turned off my life,Depression +38566,i ve been struggling with depression since i wa younger i wa bullied until graduated i went off to college and managed to make a couple friend and even a girlfriend then i tried to weed which wa the turning point of my life i wa a habitual smoker and i smoked all through the day and night me and my girlfriend i quit my job flunked college and on top of that my girlfriend went ghost on me i found out she wa pregnant with twin through a mutual friend i wa so hurt because i ve been nothing but good too her i d give her my last when i have nothing myself they hurt me so much i begin eating and i gained so much weight my confidence is at a all time low i lost hope in life i broke no love life no friend and misunderstood by everyone i m alone and lost in life,Depression +38567,i m an adult but i want to escape my family completely i don t know where to start i ve told my therapist that i hate my family and stuff he replied with well they are really wealthy maybe you should continue being provided since you have your need to be met with i highly believe he s saying because of my mental issue i m diagnosed with ptsd ed psychosis mdd major clinical depressive disorder satiety etc but i don t think it s that serious because i can stabilize myself i have okay coping mechanism it feel like my therapist doesn t think i can stand on my foot by myself without my family i live with my family but i bought a house with their money and my money from work yes i did tell my family i wanted to leave but they said okay but first give u our 00 thousand back they helped me buy a house and now because of a fight they want me to stay home and own up to my mistake ridiculous thing is that they offered to pay and said i didn t need to pay them back now they re blackmailing me i told them i would because i have good bank i m a banker for a reason they then said something like you have no right to be saying that a banker is nothing respected blah blah blah they went on about how i should ve continued the line in our family of becoming engineer or surgeon the hardest part isn t even dealing their expectation of me it s the fact some of my family member especially my older brother and mom are narcissist some of you are probably thinking well why don t you just move into your home and ignore them if i move into my home they said they will have the higher ups of my job fire me i don t know what my parent want from me i m just stressed and going crazy because of their existence i know i can legally cut my parent off but don t know where to start do i have to make a call first anyone have info i d greatly appreciate it i ve dealt with my parent from teen year to now but i ve had enough of it i thought i d be free from their grasp once i become an adult but i m still stuck and i hate myself for having mental issue it s bothersome,Depression +38568,i need to talk to a professional but i can t bring myself to trust they won t just throw bullshit med at me until i m numb and addicted i just need to talk and explain why my brain doe what it doe and how i can navigate around pill for a solution someone with more insight than a prescription pad,Depression +38569,i f met my girlfriend on a game called genshin impact she is amazing really kind to me and is the first person who ha made me feel loved in a really long time the problem is that i still deal with suicidal thought worse now than any point before in my life and what hurt all the more is that i don t want to disappear from her i quite frequently find myself cry because of the thought of her losing me i ve felt incredibly lonely for most of my life that i can remember i used to feel like nobody would miss me if i died now i know there s someone who would really miss me and it hurt a lot i don t want to talk to her about this mainly because i feel like my bad mental health already affect her too much and i really don t like making her upset i wa on the verge of getting to therapy but then money trouble hit my family i feel hopeless and i wish i didn t meet her so i could just end it without feeling terrible,Depression +38570,everyday of my life is hell i m forced into this religious cult my parent pick my friend from the religion i m depressed feel like dying daily i have anxiety my parent don t even check up on me like parent are supposed to do i don t have many people i can talk to and let my feeling out so sometimes i come here and rant my frustration out i m turning on may th so i m gon na get a job and move out and live my life but my mom isn t helping me she tell me i m gon na be a prostitute get hooked on drug and end up homeless and y crazy which i m not and she s making me feel bad i m a good child i have straight a s shockingly i do everything she asks me too i don t know what else she want from me i have so much stress on me from her and i can t take it anymore,Depression +38571,i m a year old man ever since the covid started i feel like that is something off about me i feel like i don t want to do anything and lay down on the bed all day and consistently skip the meal i can get pretty emotional sometimes a a man i obviously can t show my emotion to anyone or even my parent a a sign of showing weakness so i want to know doe anyone feel the same way a me or i m just a pussy,Depression +38572,for a bit of context i wa born into a dysfunctional family a drug addict alcoholic and abusive father my mother only finished high school but even so she left that place because she didn t want u to go through all that violence a my mother ha no study she had to work in several place and all day to be able to support u so she got a person who didn t live far from our house to take care of u while she wa away there i wa abused by the person who took care of u but i never said anything some time later my mum took u to my aunt who had to be paid to look after me she had two cousin there and all the time they were bothering me insulting me and i couldn t do anything because i wa year old and they were almost i saw how they fought with each other all the time and one day they almost killed each other one of them had blood all over his face and went to the kitchen to get a knife but luckily my aunt arrived and separated them also at some point where my aunt wa supposed to take care of me but i ended up in an orphanage i had never felt so abandoned so forgotten and alone after a while my mother took me out of there i hated that place with all my heart the people there were rude all the time they made the other child cry and they never cared i kept going with my aunt because my mum didn t have anyone else unfortunately my aunt never cared and left me with my dad i don t remember how thing happened but my dad and i were in the same shower and what you all know happened i never told anyone only that i couldn t get close to people anymore because everyone somehow end up hurting you i wa a pretty lonely and very shy child and that s how my childhood went on i wa bullied at school but i never cared and i kept going i wa the first place at school i practiced swimming and even competed my mum met another man and from that moment on we can consider him a my real dad he gave u everything he accepted child who were not his although he wa never affectionate with me i still love him we moved to another city and where i am living i went to secondary school and that is when i stopped being the shy boy i became a much more aggressive person nobody bothered me anymore and i had friend but i still felt empty i continued to be the first place i joined the scout and i also made nice friend but i continued to feel empty i got into high school and also made a lot of friend but i never felt satisfied i did kung fu and competed and got third place in a tournament but i wa never really happy the pandemic came and i spent two year locked up at home i didn t go out much with my friend but i went on with my life a year ago i went to university and i met more people and a there are no longer restriction i have gone out a lot with them but it is a if i could no longer hide my unhappiness going out with them i realised that i don t feel part of i don t feel part of my family either i started wrestling training and i only feel physical tiredness and i forget about my problem for the time that the practice last a few day ago i got my first place award from the university but i didn t feel anything neither happiness nor sadness absolutely nothing and now that i think about it it s like i ve always been dead all my life i ve felt like that,Depression +38573,writing i made when i wa really unhinged and on the brink i m okay now but just thought i d share because i feel like it s okay writing no instruction or specific included it s mostly poetic and broad i think i m going to go for a drive a nice long drive not to clear my head but to say goodbye say goodbye to that lovely wind that touch my face a i push my hand out through the window and dance with the gust a it glide and surf through the earth breath say goodbye to the random song i used to love that turn on on the radio that i had forgotten from a time of pure bliss goodbye to the really pretty white cloud that are shaped so smoothly a it contrast the bright blue say goodbye to the nice feeling i get in my body a a smile slowly creep in my face by this time i plan to have my note already written out all sitting neatly folded in my pocket this is no time for emotional anguish or the opening of floodgate of all distraught that s already been done with the ink that lie on those paper all my pain all my misery they re all tucked away in my pocket gone from my body my leg my face my eye my throat my breath i feel free free of chain that brought my neck so bent over the ground that feel so grey free from all thing holy and unholy a sort of satisfaction for a coward dy a thousand death and i am no longer scared i m going to redacted park to hike one last time to say goodbye to that long river that flow across the center to the tall tree that shaded enough sun to keep you warm yet comfortable i think i will do it there somewhere i ve never felt any sadness it s been many year of pain so maybe the last thing i ll do on this earth is smile,Depression +38574,my family only care when im manic but im just quiet they act like nothing ever happened idk if i want them to care or is me just wanting attention but im really tired of living for them,Depression +38575,maybe not just empty but part of me is absolutely devastated and the other part of me is aware that it s for the best and the rest of me is split between hate and love my emotion are so disconnected like mismatched puzzle piece nothing feel right not just because i m seeing a puzzle but because some piece are from another making it impossible to solve internally i want to go back and be babied by him and feel helpless in a good way but ha that ever happened no it wa an illusion he doesn t actually love me he never did all that talk of soulmates and staying into the end i don t know if i should even believed it or not i haven t believed in soulmates for year and this might be another reason why all because he said i love you wa i even loved,Depression +38576,so i m f and i finished college right when the pandemic hit march 0 0 so my internship got cancelled and i ended up getting no experience in my field i work in fast food and decided to wait a bit before job hunting cause the pandemic made everything crazy and i felt safe where i wa i also wa considering going back to school cause i wa uncertain if i wanted to stick with my degree but i ve decided i ll only go back if i find something i know i ll be passionate about and i haven t fast forward to year later and i ve hit my limit and started to seriously job hunt because i can t stand working in fast food anymore my parent treat me like i m a loser for still working there and tell me i need to get my life together and make it clear they want me to move out in a few year they don t need to treat me like that at all because trust me i hate my job it make me so miserable and my depression ha been so bad this winter because of it i ve felt like life isn t worth living and i have this horrible fantasy of getting into a car crash etc just so i don t have to work i apply to job day after day but never even get any interview and i m trying to be patient but none of these job want to hire someone with 0 experience in the field and it s so unfair how am i ever supposed to start and get experience when they all want someone with year i wa so close to quitting my job this weekend cause i ve hit my limit with how understaffed we always are and how rude customer and manager are but i can t afford it so i either have to stay patient and suffer through my current job or maybe leave it for something else while i still continue to look for a office job but i feel like any retail job would be just a bad so i don t know what to do this job is sucking the life out of me and i feel so burnt out every single day when i get home i never have energy to game much which is my biggest hobby and i feel so negatively about myself for still working there at my age and my parent make me feel so much worse with their rude comment i m just feeling really discouraged and mad at myself for only starting to look for a new job now but i can t go back and change the past and i know job hunting can take awhile and persistence but it s just so hard when you work a really toxic job and want to leave so badly but can t cause you need the money so you feel trapped if i had the money tbh i would go back to college cause i loved college i loved how i felt like i wa open to so many possibility and loved how it felt like i wa learning new thing everyday and now i feel so trapped and suffocated but it s too late and i need to stick with the degree i got,Depression +38577,would like to know i ve been considering inpatient treatment recently and this is one of my biggest fear a losing my license could drastically complicate my life and make my issue worse in the long term,Depression +38578,i feel rlly bad rn i wan na cry but i can t i wish i could cry but i feel so numb and distant like a robot all i can really do is lie down while a few drop fall from my eye i wish i could cry my heart out and let it all out im so tired i hate myself so much,Depression +38579,hello thank you for reading my post and any advice would be appreciated so i m a 9 year old guy from southern california i dated my ex for about month and it wa a relationship plagued with many issue she cheated on me at the beginning of the relationship and i later found out stayed with her and then cheated on her it wa this weird situation because we both wronged each other so we saw it a we re equal let s try to make this work though our relationship could be considered rocky at best i still loved her very much and i had never felt such strong emotion for someone like that before she wa my first real girlfriend she introduced me to her family and vice versa we went on vacation with each other we went to punk show and enjoyed music because we had a similar taste in music around december she caught me flirting with girl on my phone and i guess you can say she ended the relationship but everything wa still the same we would see each other regularly have sex pretty regularly go out and do thing with one other and talk all the time like we did it wa almost a like we never even broke but she said the relationship wa over but if i prove to her that i would make a change that we would get back together at first i wa super apologetic and begged her for forgiveness but i soon realized that everything wa still the same minus the fact that we technically aren t in a relationship anymore i did a lot of soul searching and talking to those around me who told me it wa for the best that we didn t date anymore so i started talking to other girl around this time i meet my guitar teacher and started playing the guitar i ve been playing for about month now it s something that make me very happy and i enjoy doing it like i mentioned earlier with my ex everything felt the same except we technically weren t in a relationship but she would still say she love and care about me in december i wa still trying to get her forgiveness she bought me these sick computer speaker i bought her this ring with our name engraved on it but she didn t really seem to like it and even left it at my house and never took it even though that s what she wa begging me to buy for her at one point i told her that it bothered me that she completely just tossed away the ring and her response is why would i wear a promise ring when i ve broken the promise i didn t have a rebuttal to it so i dropped the subject january rolled around and the idea of trying to gain her favor back and earning our relationship back grew to disdain we both were on bumble tinder talking to other people flirting but we still would be in this weird situation where we were in this relationship saying i love you to each other so like i mentioned earlier i had downloaded dating apps and met flirted with some girl and she wa doing the same thing but i told her that i m growing tired of this weird thing and that i want to be back with her and try to make thing work and she wa kinda blowing it off i deleted all the dating apps i wasn t meeting flirting with any girl and i didn t do anything with anyone besides her this whole time so fast forward to my birthday on february st and she bought ticket for u to go to knot berry farm amusement park here in socal we had a good time and we ended up having sex later that night during this whole weird period we were having sex pretty consistently my birthday ended up being the last time we saw each for a while because my best friend said that they saw her on bumble tinder i made new account and i saw her she swiped right on me both time and it set me off because i kept telling her i wanted to be with her and wanted to start over and she said wanted to a well but wanted to make sure but wanted wait and that she loved me and only wanted to be with me would always say she can t imagine being with anyone but me so seeing her on these apps even though we told each other we weren t going to be on them anymore so i sent her this long message telling her how i felt about her our relationship and the whole tinder bumble situation and that i wa through with her then it wa almost a she flipped the script and that she wa the one begging me to get back with each other and she pulled her whole i love you i can t imagine being with one else but you blah blah but i wa done and wa ready to emotionally move which i feel like for the most part i have so i completely stopped talking to her many of my close friend helped me out a lot especially my best friend i felt sorta free in a way and i wa trying my best to move on i met other girl and had hookup with a lot of them i mean last week i had sex with two different girl in one night on friday but every time i feel like happy at first after but then shortly after i go back to this feeling of emptiness that i have been feeling i and my family had a trip planned out to give a visit to our family in el salvador and we went it wa only for a week but it wa the happiest i had been in so long a soon a i came back that feeling of emptiness came back full force a couple of week after i came back me and my friend decided we wanted to try shrooms it wa a whole ordeal to get them but we somehow got them we had it all planned out but it kinda fell through me and my best friend ended up taking the i unfortunately had a bad trip at first the trip went super well but i took about gram and it wa my first time and i started telling my friend i wa depressed then it turned into i m planning on committing suicide when i m older but something came upon me and i wa telling him i wanted to kill myself right then and there and i tried to kill myself but my friend stopped me i have been pretty traumatized since that night and i have been thinking about it so much during the time i wa in el salvador my ex made a tik tok about me saying i wa a terrible person and that i treated her horrible and that she wa the victim of the relationship and it got like 000 view she also posted a video on her instagram story of some random licking her face and her kissing him after so i wanted nothing to do with her anymore but after my bad trip i felt emotionally vulnerable and i texted her back and i told her what i went through and we started texting again she told me that she wanted to see me again and i wasn t there emotionally she came over and we ended up having sex and we ve done this twice now i just feel like i have gone through so much these last month and it ha been so much to handle after i took the shrooms i felt like i needed to better my action and i planning on going back to school i have stopped smoking weed and drinking i never did it often but i want to completely stop i m growing tired of this constant feeling of emptiness i feel every day of my life and i feel like i haven t been trying to move my life forward and i keep going back to the same place i keep telling myself i want to move from i don t know if it s depression or what but i m tired of the way i feel sometimes when i think about my bad trip i just chalk it up to me being high but other time i feel like that deep down i actually want to and that the shrooms just made me realize i love and appreciate my best friend my other friend and my family because they provide me with amazing support but these feeling still linger and i m growing tired of it the thing that ha been providing me with happiness is playing guitar and it s been my escape i would appreciate someone to talk to maybe i need someone fresh perspective,Depression +38580,i don t feel like trying to make thing better in fact i never did i just accepted it a a part of life it may be because i ve never been that much of a person that work hard i m just lazy in general i like to take thing easy if you re lazy apathetic and unmotivated there s pretty much no chance of overcoming depression,Depression +38581,amp x 00b so i m in my thirty i m about to finish my phd in one of the world s best university and this morning i felt fine i usually revert to writing in here a a way of emptying my soul and feeling better usually it work and it ha taken me from the deepest pit of my depression to a milder state of mind not to a happy place mind you but to a lower scale bout of depression i come from a rocky couple of year i have discovered that my old supervisor had tricked an exam against me to have me fail and kicked out of the uni check my older post for this story also involving the examiner the full professor who deemed me too ugly fat and stupid for a phd full quote i have found support in the wider academic world with a world renown name offering me a job first and then agreeing to supervise me if i had not taken it i have sued the university kind of it wa a process internal to the university but i had to hire a lawyer i have won a crushing win against the faculty i have never seen a similar humiliation for a faculty and an examiner said a friend and former judge i have repeated the exam i have passed the exam i am now a month from submission my new supervisor and my friend unofficial supervisor have just promoted my dissertation with flying color so i basically need to write a conclusion of a couple of page cross the t dot the is and hand in what ha been long year of my life should have been but these shenanigan robbed me of full year of my life i am however today back in the pit of the grad school depression a i am not sure it is finished remember the humiliated full professor above when i passed the exam one of the examiner wa a friend of his who basically did everything in his power to fail me i passed because the other examiner took my side in the shouting match it wa ugly a fuck and basically told me that the humiliation of me winning in court could not pas without further action now i even though my dissertation is unassailable i do not trust the university and i am fully expecting a final hack job at the thesis defence and against that i am powerless,Depression +38582,i don t feel any desire towards anything in life anymore i see life a a pointless pursuit that ha more pain than joy it s simply not worth it if i m playing a video game or watching a tv show and it s not getting better i simply want to turn it off my passion energy love motivation and empathy isn t what it used to be and i feel trapped i feel like cement when i wake up and lay there until the hunger drive me out of bed i m stuck in my head all day and feel dead to myself and this world i can t even hate myself anymore or bring myself to really do anything i wish so many thing in this life were different but they never will be,Depression +38583,i feel very apathetic towards everything in my life i just have no drive or ambition towards anything like i m just living just because people tell me to live i don t want to be here in life or anywhere really i just want to not exist a good portion of what i ve done in life is only for the approval of others now that i m older the more i just stop caring about others i know you all will probably suggest to maybe try other thing now that you don t care about other people s opinion find thing that actually enjoy i did i took a break from uni and decided to dive into art and a bunch of hobby i found them to very meaningless i don t know how to explain it but i felt like i wa faking enjoying the thing i did just to prove to myself that i am getting better and that i am like other people i did them just to do them i m just depressed that my family had to be stuck with a daughter like me because i m nothing but lazy and careless i don t want to burden it d be so much easier for me if i could just die in my sleep so i can save myself from hurting my family by committing suicide not existing is the only choice i want,Depression +38584,i hate life today that s it that s the post,Depression +38585,i wish my world would just end now i don t want to keep going on this shit called life is so sad and depressing i just don t want to keep living,Depression +38586,my mom called me disgusting for my dirty room even though she know i m depressed am i disgusting i try to clean but it just go back to dirty i m disgusting and lazy,Depression +38587,i m not joking been having a pounding headache after a meltdown why actually i m personally not surprised since i have like a laundry list of trigger it s just like damn really i can t even cry in peace depression is a bitch weirder part is if you are cutting onion or even cry because something good happens it doesn t trigger a migraine or a tension headache it s just negative cry that doe it,Depression +38588,i m so fucking done with everything what s the point of life nothing i ever do will make a permanent impact nothing anyone ever doe will make a permanent impact sure you can be famous you can discover something important but what s the point all we have are our silly little life on our silly little planet and it s all going to be destroyed someday nothing is going to last even if we escape the expanding sun billion year from now if we still exist even if we flee to another place in space we re all just eventually going to die out all information and evidence of our existence will die out i could live any life i wanted i could be rich and famous painfully average or i could waste away all my life but it doesn t matter because no matter what i do nothing will ever be worth it what s the point of trying if i m just going to die everyone always say well enjoy the moment appreciate the little thing yeah no that s bullshit why should i enjoy anything if i won t even remember it after i die why should i do anything if nothing matter sure i can enjoy the moment but what s the point everything in the universe is going to die out some day and then it will just keep expanding and it ll be dark and cold and nothingness why did we even exist in the first place everything is so complicated i never asked to live but sometimes i want to live after i die because there ha to be something anything other than this i am so fucking desperate i really hope there s something after i die but at the same time i hope there s nothing because i m so tired of existing there s no point in it there s no point in anything and i can t enjoy life anymore because these thought keep coming up what do i do,Depression +38589,i m on anti depressant for month now and they changed my life completely like i went from a terrible suicidal wreck to a normal functioning human being i had a good a no bad mood some physical issue even went away and i definitely had a more positive outlook on life i wa lucky enough to even have almost no side affect so i feel like my body work quite well with them around week ago i slowly started to get a little bit of bad feeling not too much or anything i thought it s probably normal because no human feel good every single day but the more time went by the heavier the bad mood gots until this evening where i found myself in bed hating the fact that i m alive it scare me because for the first time in my life i ve felt somewhat normal and okay with being alive and i don t wan na go back because i got ta do this for my family is it normal that it get like this,Depression +38590,so long story short i recently started to become what i think is depressed thing is after the first few day of it being a bit tough i became to find it enjoyable to some extent amp x 00b to put it simply it ha let me achieve something i ve been trying to achieve for a very long time near zero emotion positive or negative but this time it isn t from repressing my emotion i also don t crave nearly a much social interaction a before and i give no shit meaning i wa able to get work done in class i usual hate since i don t hate them anymore the main downside to all this are increased tiredness increased frustration and low motivation low motivation and increased tiredness don t really bother me since i don t get homework and i don t have a job so it s not getting in the way of anything the increased frustration however is a wee bit annoying since i seem to quit my game way more than usual making me lose progress i also know i won t do anything suicidal cause that would violate of my core logical value amp x 00b all in all i rate this experience a 0 it would be an 0 if it weren t for the increased frustration,Depression +38591,i always feel everyone dislike me and laugh behind my back my own friend i feel even hate me secretly am i just paranoid or could there be something to this in my past most people have hated me on sight a well so i m confused is this just from being depressed for too long i also feel like a burden on my partner and friend just by being around or even saying one word i feel i waste my partner time completely along with friend time my friend friend actually leave call whenever i show up a well so it s a sign of something i often time honestly feel it would be easier on those around me if i passed away due to the hatred i feel if everyone hate me so much why am i still around,Depression +38592,the only reason i havent killed myself is because i know i d hurt the people that are close to me but is it really to sacrifice my happiness for theirs,Depression +38593,i m tired of having this literal disease that i consider depression i feel trapped a if i m in a prison cell i m desperate to get out of it especially now more than ever but all it doe is keep me back even if i try to escape and become a properly functioning human being depression beat me down like a prison guard with a baton it hold me back keeping me from flourishing and becoming that best version of me that i so wish to be i don t feel like i m able to connect with anyone i have no friend or anyone that care about me in a more than friend way it s hell being an infp like myself i seek connection that is long lasting and strong i m getting help soon but i wonder to myself what if the medication don t help what if they don t keep the depression at bay enough to allow me to live in the moment and happy will all this desperation be for nothing i don t want to fight anymore if it end up being the case im weary but i have just enough fight in me to try one more time i want to put my life together i want to be happy i want to get to a point where i can look back and appreciate that i fought my way to success i just want to be to really exist instead of live every day trapped in my own mind while my body is on autopilot giving fake smile and telling lie that i m okay i m not okay i never wa depression is the worst don t you agree,Depression +38594,the exact date are kind of fuzzy at this point but it s so stupid he said they put me in an altered state seriously i need them to sleep and not hate every waking moment of my life,Depression +38595,i m m and all i feel like i do is dissapoint everyone around me it suck i remember everyone used to tell me that i would have a bright life when i wa a kid and i look at myself now unable to talk to people hold down a conversation without saying sorry every second i just feel like such a dissapointment and feel like everyone in my life would be so much better without me i see my partner of year just thrive in her life and it just kill me so much knowing that someone who is so full of life love me i feel so bad for her sometimes since my anxiety get so bad to the point where i get panic attack going to her family house or even taking her out to a restaurant i ve never felt this low in my life and all i can think of now is just offing myself to spare everyone of my misery nobody deserves to have someone who is just a downer all the time,Depression +38596,i am and think i m depressed idk what is but happiness just is not the same anymore it feel bland from what it used to be it all started when my mom separated from my verbally abusive dad when i wa 0 after that is spiraled down and down my aunt uncle grandma and grandpa dying left and right and my aunt turning out to be racist even tho i m her nefew i went to therapy for year but it did not help i dated my best friend who i have known since i wa a kid and it did not work out the relationship is ruined and now we barely talk i have plenty other friend but it doe not feel the same i hate school but my mom say i cant drop out and i have to have the best grade posible i know she is doing what she is supposed to and i wan na try but it so hard to even find the will to stay alive i m very self conscious and do not like the way i look i have a girlfriend but it doe not feel like what i thought it would be and doe not help me mentally at all overall i want to off my self because of the thing that s i ve done and thing i ve been through i don t know what is stopping me i don t think it selfish if i off myself and i don t really see any benefit if i stay alive i don t believe in true love and i m not happy at all really my mom want me to graduate so i can be happy but school make me even more unhappy but i think that s just cause i m a kid i don t even know if i ll make it past let alone go to college i just wan na know why can t i be happy,Depression +38597,my gf might be pregnant we haven t done it for month now she told me with all honesty that she and her boy best friend did it last month she only did it because she wa drunk and had a fight with her parent i had no idea about that until now she s delayed week i feel like my chest is getting crushed by what she had done i can t cry but damn it hurt so bad i don t know what to do i admire her honesty but the pain is still here in my heart she doesn t want to break up with me either she said she s sorry i love her i really do,Depression +38598,tw sh suicide i m a year old still in high school with depression anxiety intrusive thought and a emerging personality disorder i got diagnosed year ago now and once i heard that it wa overwhelming it made me feel labelled a a kid who wa no longer a kid but a mentally ill person and it wa horrible it put me in the worst place of my life and after service and service all spoke to me the most important thing i realised is that i m never going to be the same person before i wa diagnosed and i had to accept the fact i m not okay that wa the first step into recovery and year in im finally starting to get better bit by bit iknow how hard menial task can be such a getting out of bed showering eating etc which is why i m glad so many people know how hard it is to having people who understand is another key thing that helped me start to recover a a lot of other people suffering from depression i self harmed and i self harmed for a year and a half it became almost an addiction and for the first time since i started i can finally say i no longer want to do it i m currently day sober from a relapse after month sober relapsing is a part of recovery which is a thing i m still learning because when you relapse you don t think this is natural your first thought it oh ffs all that progress i made is gone but intact it s not it s just a part of it i also suffer from suicidal tendency meaning that i have constant suicidal thought and i have attempted time it sound bad and it is but i m glad i did because it made me realise how much i want to live the last one wa the worst one my mum found me hanging in my room and cut me down and instead of going ballistic she listened to me and got me the help i needed now me and my whole family are closer than ever so a horrible situation worked out the best i decided to write this to let people read if they want to and know that no matter how bad you are at that point there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel cliche but true and make sure you don t lose track of the most important instinct survival thank you for reading it mean a lot,Depression +38599,hello guy my name is t m or soul heart in my language i have been struggling with depression for year now and reached a breaking point some time ago i have always been a quiet and lonely person and never had any close friend my circle ha been small and at time completely empty lately a i branch out socially i find myself rejected or misunderstood mental illness and emotion are not really discussed in vietnam and i have been called too sensitive and emotional it got to the point where i almost ended my life however i found a saving grace with a therapist i just wanted to hop on here and wanted to give you guy hope and love that i wasn t given you are all wonderful stay strong and know that you are worthwhile there is nothing wrong with you and emotion are thing to be treasured they help u grow and love but do not yield to the negative one,Depression +38600,how do you guy deal with depression other than avoiding it i can t keep this up lol sleeping is my only coping mechanism and it s not a good one i m so drained any advice also more important any advice for feeling le sad about unaccepting parent i m trans and can t really deal with my parent negative reaction i can t cope well is what i mean i have to wait several year to even transition to the gender i wa supposed to be born a bc i m too young to afford it all myself i hate this this body and this life sorry for bringing the mood down also school suck i wish it wa fun it suck the fun out of learning i m too tired to type anymore though so have fun reading this mess of word crunched together,Depression +38601,seriously applying for job is hard enough for a stable person but when you have someone like me with no qualification no education no nothing applying for job is downright a soul crushing experience deep down i seriously don t even want the shitty as job anyway but i have to in order to survive then thinking about once i move out living alone in a crappy place working this meaningless job make me internally dieing i genuinely wish i wa never born into this era i don t belong here at all,Depression +38602,the past few year have gotten tough and my depression ha done irreversible damage to both my body and my life my teeth are rotten and painful my hair is greasy and my skin is awful my body is caked in self harm scar and cigarette burn i ve pushed away everyone who care about me i ll be lucky if i get out of school with more than gcse pass no one like me and i have no real hobby i wish i wa better now but i wish even more that i would ve gotten better a long time ago before the real damage wa done i miss being able to smile confidently to wear short t shirt without people judging me i wish i wa doing well enough in school to get into sixth form i wish i hadn t done this to myself i am ruined,Depression +38603,so about day ago i started sh again and i cut to deep i waited a week till i went to the hospital by then it wa to late to get stitch but the doctor said i should have got them my best friend knew i went to the doctor and she told me i didn t need stitch she accused me of lying and doesn t believe me she act like she s a doctor and always act like she s right,Depression +38604,am i the only one that wish humanity would just die out i fucking hate this place and i hate people and i hate society i m very sick and very close to going out into the wood and hanging myself what is the point of any of this bullshit,Depression +38605,i m so tired i really wish i could like myself i feel like all my thought are so complicated i can t do anything for myself every thing i do is for others yet i feel like such a selfish emotionally cut off and unempathetic person and i hate myself for it i have such high expectation for people and i get sad when they don t meet them i feel like that isn t normal i hate it i hate that i create scenario in my head of how people are going to treat me good and when they don t do what i expected i get sad that doesn t feel normal why am i like that i hate doing good and then falling into a dark hole that s so hard to get out of it feel like it s never going to end i m so tired i hate myself so much i just wish i could love myself i feel so shut off and all i want is someone to just hold me and tell me it s okay that s something i hate about myself too that i want people shouldn t i just feel happy alone am i too codependent am i ill am i too obsessive and optimistic in the worse way i m exhausted because of these thought i m so tired of my anxiety just myself it feel like everything that happens is all my fault even when i try to do good i m a bad person i try to do good for myself and i hurt other people i can t handle that i just want to love myself i can t figure myself out i m so so so tired,Depression +38606,guy i need help i m feel bad in my skin for too long so trying to feel better i m sinking in the alcoholism i don t know what to do i don t know what i want and every place i work for i don t feel aligned i know there is more important than this problem a ukrainian war or starving people but how can i impact positively the world when i m sinking deeper everyday and the fact that i see myself sinking feel like i add one more stone to sink even deeper and faster horrible feeling i need help please thank to all of you for taking the time to read,Depression +38607,for year now i ve always thought of suicide a a back up plan whenever somethings went wrong i just thought oh well i m not going to be here much longer it doesn t matter but i ve never thought of the aftermath i hate the thought of my decomposed possibly mangled body i hate the fact my family friend would have to see that i hate to put them in that position ive never thought of it in their perspective in general im just a coward it might sound good i don t want to kill myself but now i feel very claustrophobic i feel like i cant breathe there no escape,Depression +38608,hi im an m and i just feel i am a lost cause i hate everything about my life and barley if at all want to do any of the work to make it better nothing about my life is horrible besides my relationship but thats another story lol i live in an average middle class house with my dad and have a decent setup for life i have friend who like me for me i hope and have started to go to party and etc but i just cant shake my depression or feeling of hating myself ive been like this since i wa or and nothing could help and all ive gotten is worse i wa a smart kid but now i haven t done any of my schoolwork and im supposed to graduate in month and i cheated through all of last year schooling because of covid i had a job then switched to doing doordash instacart since im but now i cant even motivate myself to go do that i hate my body the way i act i especially hate being gay i hate my adhd i hate that i get jealous of other people being happy with themselves it really hurt and i hate that i feel like i have no passion in life and i have nothing i really want to work towards besides having nice clothes and even then when i think of that i get more unmotivated because i already hate my body and wish clothes fit better on me already so i just get disappointed and think i will never look remotely close to the way i want i really think this is because of the tik tok era my body make me feel disgusting and i feel like i have the ugliest face in the world im like abnormally skinny 9 0 lb but i cant gain weight because even when i try i forget to eat or put it off to continue what im fixated on at the moment like i had my first meal at pm today ive asked my dad various time to get me setup with a psychiatrist but that will never happen knowing my parent ive been recommended to a therapist by my school counselor since th grade the only one ive had is the school provided one they gave for covid i just like in general hate myself and my life and i feel even worse about it because i shouldn t hate it i have a lot that i should be grateful for that i just take for granted for god sake i have been in my room for the past month doing nothing most people do not have that kind of luxury amp x 00b oh yeah and on the topic of my relationship which i think contriubutes to this feeling gt we ve been on and off for like year almost now i wa groomed im pretty sure he im you can do the math he is emotionally abusive and denies that he wa horribly abusive to me in the past for example he used to tell me about people asking to hookup with him constantly boost his own ego he put me down with insult and name accuses me of causing a scene or starting something when i have a reaction to a rude action he doe he didnt get me anything for valentine day or christmas he ha hit me twice but love to be like it wa a shirt i whipped you with and im sure he like that im depressed he ha said im going to end up a strung out drug addict like my mom that im a loser who will rot away who isn t even doing that bad rn and she isn t a strung out addict never wa she wa rich most her life im sorry if this isn t cohesive or whatever i just needed somewhere to vent my thought and hopefully get help i just really wish i didnt feel like this and my brain didnt hate me i wish i could just go to the gym and start doing my school work and get myself on track but i just cant,Depression +38609,i m dealing with debt wasted year of my university getting awful grade i disappoint my family left and right i have no confidence in myself and i hate my body i wa low key molested by my best friend when he wa drunk my childhood dog had to be put down after i took care of her for month prior and i feel like it my fault tht i could ve done something better or idk i find solace in anime but even that is starting feel dull i thought i knew what i wanted to do with my life and career but i m so lost i dont know what to do and at this point i feel like ive ruined my life beyond repair i know im and most people just say that im young and i just have too dust everything off and it ll be fine but it not it never is and ive been in this loop of depression since i wa i think about taking my life and then think about how selfish it is to my friend family and little sister i can t do that to her and yet i still think about i i m so lost,Depression +38610,i m just wondering if anyone ha experienced people in healthcare disbelieving how depressed you are because you have a job i hold a very low level easy work from home job i m sure if i wasn t depressed i d be able to do a much higher level job but my current job is not demanding at all and honestly there are day when i cry for the entire day however i ve had psychiatrist downplay how depressed i am because i have a job at all i wish i didn t have to work but i d become homeless pretty quickly so it s not like i really have a choice i just find it frustrating because some of these doctor aren t prioritizing getting me access to the help i need because of their bias ha anyone else had this kind of experience,Depression +38611,i hate the constant stress i hate the nonstop work i hate the isolation i hate everything about college but i have realized that my working life will likely be no different work for most of my life dread work for the rest of it and repeat until i die i want to speed up the process and end my life but i can t leave my family in that much pain so i m just stuck in this hell with no escape i am on medication and seeing a therapist it help but it s not enough,Depression +38612,i feel like i shouldn t get help because i m not depressed enough i don t mope around in bed all day i m doing fine in school and i don t cry myself to sleep at night i want to feel worse so i can prove that i m depressed i feel like i m on my own and don t deserve help i feel like nothing ha happened to make me feel like this and i feel it s selfish for me to ask for help,Depression +38613,i m i ve been depressed since i wa maybe about 0 year old and i wa diagnosed in 0 0 clinical depression i struggle with substance abuse alcohol and weed and that combined with depression is what caused me to quit my job now all i do is cry and get stoned cry while being stoned sometimes and lay in bed on tiktok i m unhappy in my relationship but i m afraid of losing the best thing i ve ever had i m so unhappy with existence and i m fucking sick of being told to tough it out life isn t easy i don t care if i m not going to be born into a decent world i don t want to fucking participate it s selfish to force me to stay when i contribute nothing to society i have no goal or passion anymore my clinic psychiatrist hasn t reached out to me i quit taking my prozac because it stopped working and one specific event triggered my current depression episode regarding my family and boyfriend i m miserable is anyone else miserable,Depression +38614,hi everyone i m new to this sub and am just seeking advice support this weekend i entered into a huge depressive episode after not having one for many month i struggle with depression anxiety and ocd but it s been getting better a i ve built a routine and stuff like that this week though i had some personal issue one of which wa feeling heartbroken by a very manipulative ex and trying to get myself out of that rut the other is having to move back to my college town i am from a large city that i feel very much at home in and at college i have literally no friend and hate the small town where it s located it feel toxic for me and i never know what to do with myself i never go out and mostly just sleep to pas time today i had a particularly hard time going back cried my eye out began to feel this raw sense of loneliness and longing had trouble saying goodbye to family etc with my anxiety i also struggle with being worried that my family will die before we see each other next which is a whole other issue but it doe complicate thing can anyone help and provide some advice i do go to therapy and am not open to taking medication right now mostly i m just wondering what people do when they feel these profoundly heavy episode since it s been a while for me what is your go to activity how do you take care of yourself and get back on your foot any tip for detoxing from the internet social medium i think this might trigger me to think about my ex and stuff thank you and sending love to all,Depression +38615,none of this shit matter where is all this effort and energy going i feel so bad and guilty because i feel i m a low life because i don t want to contribute to society it s a never ending cycle of bullshit i do not want to get married or have any kid because that s unnecessary work fuckkkk,Depression +38616,i m doing really bad mentally i don t feel up to typing a paragraph explaining what s wrong in my life rn i just want somebody to acknowledge me and let me know that it s gon na be okay,Depression +38617,ha anyone lost their career or become underemployed due to depression how do you survive are you frightened about how you will retire or get by in old age it s been seven year of mostly unemployment for me and i m horrified when i think of the future,Depression +38618,why i have to think about thing i am thinking about is this a punishment what did i do to you you are torturing me exactly why i have to think about death existence hollowness loneliness unwanted people like me and why are some more popular then others i have no friend so i have to talk to myself the worst person alive i hate this person he is only negative doesn t like anything why i see only one solution there is nothing but hollowness for u this is place for popular talkative handsome and over all good people so maybe next time i will be luckier i hate my mind and myself,Depression +38619,warning i ll be ranting about feeling hopeless guilty all the time and having no will to do anything with a splash of bitterness with life lately it feel like there is no hope for thing to get better for me like all the hope i had before is sucked right out of me nothing make me feel better word of encouragement and people saying it will get better that it all temporary and that life is beautiful doesnt make me feel any more hopeful in fact i m tired of hearing all these positive encouragement it make me feel bitter guilty and defensive in a way bitter because well i get very irritated about everything and everyone lately so my brain go well why the fck doe anyone want to live so much anyway whats the fckin point guilty because i feel shitty for not being able to heal despite complying to my medication and regularly meeting my psychiatrist granted med aren t miracle worker you apparently got ta work on yourself to get better which make me feel even more shittier because i don t have the will and energy to do anything and that make me feel like a failure finally i feel defensive cause internally my brain go well it not fcking easy you don t know what i m going through so in the end nothing make sense anymore i don t even wan na live but i still feel guilty for not getting better i don t see the point in life but why haven t i offed myself yet sorry for ranting it been a while doe anyone else feel the same,Depression +38620,i feel really lazy it wa embarrassing for me to even have to ask for something but it s been over week and everything got worse idk if i feel any different think now i just have even le energy to do anything my room is disgusting my essay are overdue and i haven t been outside in too long i m way too embarrassed to ever say this to my gp no word of encouragement on reddit will help im afraid but idk what to do anymore it s getting worse and every day i m just procrastinating i m scared of everything catching up but somehow can t do anything about it never felt like this before i almost want to hide away and die not literally just don t know how to overcome this there s not a lot and i have a massive incentive,Depression +38621,it s been a few month since i ve posted they ve medicated me but nothing ha changed i m still a worthless piece of shit no matter what i do i m the problem and no one will ever want me in their life i m never going to be good enough to have a real job or be anything more than a stupid customer service agent i went to college i have put in over 00 job application in the last week when i get an interview even company who contact me first ask me to apply when i arrive they say i m not a good fit it s because i m le than the same thing my mother saw when she gave birth and didn t want me is the same thing everyone else see that make me le than others i am not even worthy of being human i m just trash no pill or medicine will change that i wish i had the strength to self check out i don t tell my therapist bc it doesn t do any good they just want me to pay for more therapy that s supposed to train me to behave my insurance doesnt cover it so it s not even worth mentioning anymore i just wish i wa loved and had a life i felt like mattered i hate myself and the life i wake up too bc i m not good enough to have anything but sorrow,Depression +38622,i fallen in a dark place i feel like i always been this way how do i look on the brighter side of thing how do i get thru being miserable everyday i feel like if i m in a place too long i get depressed n sad i m constantly on the run no one understands me i feel i keep alot to my self i feel like i m exploding i feel there s no hope i wan na stay in a bed n not get up or go out or do anything anymore how do i cope what do i do i wan na feel normal i wan na shake the feeling i don t wan na be medicated i need the cure of another human being actually caring about my wellness i need a therapist but i can find help so i m here looking for help,Depression +38623,i used to be someone who wa down with depression for a long time but this doesn t feel like it i wa working 0 hr since the beginning of this year due to my yearly busy season and i m suddenly asked to work jus 0hrs and honestly i feel so lost sometimes the anxiety is crippling like the smallest and most insignificant thing is anxiety inducing but other time i jus feel empty inside it s been a while i have talked to my friend and the only ppl i talk to are friend who keep reaching out despite me not texting them back it s not that i don t want to i jus don t have the energy i don t have the energy to get out of bed and i survived on one meal during a weekend i haven t listened to music or i do the thing i enjoy the most i jus don t know wat make me happy anymore and this is so not me i want to get back to the happier me sorry for the long rant but i can t go out and tell ppl that i miss work is there a diagnosis for this or is there anything that ha personally helped you to get out of this,Depression +38624,recently i have been feeling really strange and unsure emotionally i feel a lot of thing but i don t know how to express them i think my life is not worth it and my presence doesn t really matter here i know i am rational enough to never do something to myself but i do have thought from time to time but i know if given an opportunity to end everything painlessly without hurting the people i love i would do it,Depression +38625,my friend use to hear voice she would hear voice in her head of people talking to her but the voice have gone away or at least that is what she think say she think that her neighbour are out to get her she think that her neighbour are plotting to kill her she also think that her neighbour have killed someone else because she said that she heard them admit it and she recorded them admitting that they killed someone she said that her neighbour talk shit about her and want to harm her and say sexual thing to and about her she life in an apartment building and they live right underneath her so she will sit by her window and she will record them because she think that they are talking crap about her and saying that they want to kill and harm her so she will record them trying to get a much evidence a she possible can so she can go to the police the thing is though that nobody else can hear these recording only she can she wa at my house yesterday and she wa playing these recording to u and a the video wa playing she wa like see they just said this and then she would tell u what they said but we don t hear nothing it is completely quiet my boy friend literally had the phone up to his ear and didn t hear anything and she wa a few foot away from him and she supposedly heard it so loud me my boyfriend and other people have listened to these recording and no one else heard anything but her and she say that she hears them talking so loudly when to u it is completely quiet and she is so positive and confident that these recording are real because every video that she ha anytime that she listens to it she always hears the exact same thing on each video so it is not like every single time that she listens to the video she hears something different she ha like video of her neighbour talking about her and every video she hears the same thing like every video say something different but no matter how many time she listens to each video it always say that same thing that it said last time that is why she belief that it is true but again nobody else hears anything the video she show up is completely quiet and no one is talking ha anyone experienced this do you know anyone that ha experience this it is so hard and difficult to watch her go through this because i have been so supportive to her ever since i met her year ago and i will continue being supportive but when i tell her that we don t hear anything she get fraustrated and mad because she hears it i understand why she is fraustrated though because hearing voice that other people don t hear i get can be very stressful and frustrated but i am just stuck it s hard watching someone you love go through this i need advice,Depression +38626,mdma depression xanax anxiety methamphetamine adhd rohypnol insomnia clozapine psychosis vicodin back pain,Depression +38627,i can literally wake up and drink a coffee or i can kill myself the earth would keep spinning regardless and nothing change,Depression +38628,people who have been through depression or terrible life tell your success story or how you have changed i really need it,Depression +38629,during spring break i found out my mom ha cancer i don t want to go back to school now because i want to spend a much time a i can with her just in case and i can t imagine not living without her i thought we would have so much time together but now i m not sure she s my best friend and i can t live without her i have no motivation to go to class do work study or even go pack to school i m in the middle of jointing a sorority too and i can t bring myself to go to go back to campus to go to event or anything when internally im miserable and screaming i thought life wa going well but now it s not i m not suicidal at all since i m scared of death and could never take my own life but i just want to sleep and not exist i don t want to feel like this at all and i want help but i feel like i won t get it until i do something to be taken seriously i even feel like my friendship are falling apart the one consistent happiness in my life is volleyball and now all my friend are going to play on team without me and i feel so betrayed i feel like everything is piling up at once and i m so overwhelmed and i m gon na screw myself over with school bc im depressed please give me any advice,Depression +38630,is it okay stay up all night and and fall asleep at around am and then sleep all day long and then literally force yourself out of bed to do office work,Depression +38631,i never talk about these thing but i m basically getting closer to suicide i ve already seriously tried it a few time and i m still waiting until my family is out of the city to get it right but i still feel sorry for my grandparent i know it s not so normal but sometimes not everyone can handle their problem especially if your parent don t support you in any way and even making thing go worse these last year i think i lost my personality and i went from being the energetic and sociable guy to just a passive and socially isolated one i tried to talk about it but my dad doesn t think depression is a serious stuff and my friend say everyone go through thing like that i mean doe everyone go trough this is this normal,Depression +38632,i have never felt this feeling so strongly before like my borrowed time is up and my life is just a whisp away from being gone i feel like it s inevitable and i m almost at peace with it it s time i think and it ha been for so long,Depression +38633,for the last few year or a long a i can remember i haven t enjoyed much of anything sometimes i ll enjoy when i hangout with friend or whenever i m with family but im extremely co dependent to the point where if im alone im depressed and even if im not alone i m probably depressed i just recently started antidepressant and i think they re helping but not really i don t really feel like i connect to people or build connection because im constantly thinking about about x problem i have or x thing that s wrong with me there wa a time period where i thought i wa a narcissist but i hate myself so that s impossible can somebody like help me lmao i also feel like i m a burden to everyone in my life because every time i speak to anyone or interact with anyone it s about how depressed i am or how something is wrong with me,Depression +38634,im tired exhausted of overthinking i want peace i want my brain to relax and stop thinking for a second im not patient and i want to be in a different part of my life already my job is not helping me at all i have to hide my mental health issue because i feel judged at my job and i know they won t believe me i want to at least work from home because thinking every day about having to go back to that place and committing two hour of my life there and back and then having to deal with the greed they showcase is disgusting trying to find a new job but i live in a place where the average applicant is more than 00 apps per job post waiting on grad application received an acceptance but it s even more heartbreaking than a denial because i can t afford it this world and the decision other make for u is cruel im tired of a lot i want to help others more than i want to help myself but i know i need myself to be good to make a positive impact for others i m really stuck i just want to cry and cry,Depression +38635,i used to be a swimmer back in elementary 0yrs old it s so quiet underwater and everything feel so light after a year in sport my mom started pressuring me she would compare me a lot to my other teammate and eventually it made me lose my passion for it i tried drowning myself a lot of time and one of my teammate would eventually pull me up i left swimming and suffered half of my junior high life being blamed financially by my mother up to this day i m still afraid of receiving thing because what if they ll blame for losing money for it so instead i would try to get high grade so it ll feel like i deserve it and now i m being pressured a lot again by my family i ll be in college next year and they re expecting me to get into one of those state university i just want to be dissappear at this point,Depression +38636,a the title say i have been feeling emotional blunting and i don t take any medication i used to see a therapist but stopped month ago i m not even sure if this is related to my depression but for some time now maybe a month or two and more mildly for a long time before that pretty much everything ha been feeling dull i ve always had trouble cry and expressing feeling my emotion in general but now it feel like nothing can provoke strong reaction in me just a few week ago it wa year since my older brother s suicide and i didn t even feel that sad i tried to find the emotion inside of myself but i just couldn t make myself feel the grief much i also took a month break from listening to music since i felt like i wa listening too much and music didn t sound a good a a result and just a few day ago when i finally listened to music again i put on one of my favorite album which used to always evoke such strong feeling in me but this time it just felt empty ha anybody else felt this,Depression +38637,everyone s depression stem from the world how can you create your own world to make that depression go away no crazy event in my life make me depressed but the world a a whole doe being like me you see everything i see all the behind the scene shit that go on and it s unfortunate i see everyone for who they truly are my brain is wired to out think everyone because i m a male and use logic i use my logic so much that you come to a point where you see life is actually dogshit thing are such a waste life is rigged and people are actor it s like everything is ruined for me and i can never be happy because my brain see the reality of thing most people live in delusion or a fairy tale like life mean something i see no meaning feel like shit then keep having a snowball affect from being depressed then a the future keep coming i get more behind in this game called life it s like everyone is on their foot running to something meaningless while i sit back and watch the rat so much engine in the world i have a human instinct in me that i wish i never had i distant myself from these human because i hate them all but then the human side kick in and i m lonely because everyone ha feeling i want to create my own reality to make it a fun one living but it s impossible to create my own reality when i have such logical thinking and have to face reality everyday it s so tough because i think a girlfriend would really help me finding meaning and feeling love but i ve never been outgoing in my life because i m just so sad about this reality i have ton of drive and motivation i just need help but can t get nothing because people tend to only help and treat you well when you re in a good spot in life but people who need just some little help don t get it because they appear to be sad and depressed like myself and people shy away from that no real people in this world to help me people find me scary cause i m and have the look of i hate life so no one want to come around me just me please all i need is to feel some fucking love that s it i never had a girlfriend in my life me rn though i m good looking tall and fit i think girl are scared because i see through all the bullshit they only come around when you re winning they never come around and take a chance on you to help create and build a winning man but instead girl wait at the finish line,Depression +38638,update click here to view version 0 of the list of most helpful comment and resource http www reddit com r anxiety comment t0 f o comment i pkm f utm source share amp utm medium web x amp context update please see the current stickied comment for more information it is ok to include a link that is causing you anxiety and asking people to help explain it better it is also ok to provide a news link alongside your own commentary about the article to help people understand what it is saying in a le anxious way we re specifically going to remove comment that have one or more news link without asking for help or providing original commentary about the article update 0 we have seen a large amount of post that are mainly about sharing discussing specific news article please remember to keep everything relevant to anxiety if a comment is just a news link then we have decided we will have to remove it to keep the thread on topic hi everyone it ha been requested that we create a megathread for all of the event that have been happening with regard to the conflict in ukraine we decided that this is a good idea since so many people have been experiencing extreme anxiety because of it we have opted to have this thread be sorted by best for the time being to read and respond to the latest comment you can manually change the sort to new the reason we re doing this is because we want the most helpful and most grounded comment to float to the top to help a many people a possible keep their anxiety under control during this difficult time for those who want to talk with other anxiety sufferer in more of a live format feel free to join our official discord server with this invite link http discord com invite 9sscse9 http discord com invite 9sscse9 we have added a special channel to it called ukrainediscussion so people can talk about what s happening and help each other a always please remember to be supportive and report any problematic comment so we can remove them a soon a possible thanks the r anxiety mod team,Depression +38639,congrats r anxiety we ve all made it to wednesday this is a weekly thread that serf a a place for u to shine some light on what is going well in our life it is easy for mental health subreddits to focus primarily on the negative after all we re not here because everything is going wonderfully but once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of place if you look at it right so whether you made it out of bed today spoke up in a meeting or class rode the bus or just stepped outside please share with u what went well for you in the past week any accomplishment victory positive thought or action no matter how big or small is welcome here,Depression +38640,seems like my anxiety this week ha been the worst it s been in a long time anyone else having a rough time,Depression +38641,i recently got a weighted blanket to see if it would help with anxiety and it doe but at the same time it make me feel really sad it feel like a giant hug and that reminds me of how lonely i am i rarely receive any sort of physical touch from people whether it be friend or family so whenever i put it on and it feel like i m being hugged i question why i never get hug from actual people and why i m so alone,Depression +38642,i know i can be intense to deal with when my anxiety kick in i don t know how to get out of the low just wanted to kill my self really,Depression +38643,i think this is mental breakdown but over the past few month thing have been slowly building up for me and i seem to have finally snapped last week my daily routine is basically wake up shit shower brush and sit on the pc until i go back to bed i eat whenever i feel like it i know it sound and it a shit schedule but it s like the only structure i have in my life a boring and shitty a it is it s always the one thing i can kinda find comfort and stability in anyways the final thing happened that made me snap last week i now wake up and just kinda sit in my bed for a while brush my teeth go walk outside for an hour and then drive around for a few hour then i come back shit shower and the only thing i have left is to sit on my pc but it is borderline painful to do that idk what it is but i just can t handle wasting my time on the pc anymore i ve more or le ditched my online friend and any game video song that i used to enjoy all day i want to be out of the house a much q possible and dread the place that i ve spent so much time in comfort i dread going back to my safe space and wan na avoid it for a long a possible,Depression +38644,i hate how i can t do anything but think about the phone call and then i feel like i don t have permission to relax until it s over anyone have advice for this,Depression +38645,no one will read this but there would be occasion i took benzodiazepine and alcohol together and had no memory for example mg ativan and a beer or beer and three ativan or beer and ativan i haven t done that in awhile issue is i am having extreme anxiety that i have ruined my brain chemical somehow like very bad and now i ve convinced myself i ve ruined my brain and i m going to be anxious forever,Depression +38646,how would you respond i said anxiety is not necessarily a physical ailment it s more internal and what s going on inside my head if you see me happy and cheerful it s because that s what i want you to see i try to hide my anxiety and act normal even though i m dying inside this conversation might seem easy to you but every word that is coming out of my mouth is causing me emotional pain while you will forget about this conversation in an hour or le i will think about it for the next year person shrugged and walked away,Depression +38647,she is such a narcissist and not a very loving person i m and she treat me like a child i ve grown up to be such an insecure perfectionist because of her she act like i can t do anything for myself i had a job interview for something that i really want and she tried coaching me on what to say and to memorize it so i nail the interview in the way she want me to if i get the job it ll be because of her and tell me all about how i should be grateful that she help me but if i don t get it it s because i didn t do what she told me to say and did what i wanted to do any time i have an achievement it can never be because i did something right it make me so anxious to think about her approval and her reaction because if i don t get this job i already know the lecture that s going to come with it,Depression +38648,i have been suffering for eight long month after a girl i thought would be interested in being my girlfriend ended thing and left me out to dry it wa a pretty short span of dating and hooking up we talked during the summer and only saw each other in person for a few week but the aftermath ha been the worst thing i ve ever gone through in my entire life i have alienated myself from her because i couldn t stop texting her and asking what i did wrong or saying thing i thought i did to make her not interested and expect her to confirm i am on a no contact basis with her now which is probably for the best because i don t think she even cared that much about me to begin with i can t handle the fluidity of dating how people can just leave something if it isn t working out for them for whatever reason and not know what that reason is i ve already come up with every possible situation or reason in my head that it didn t work out and it s honestly been driving me over the edge since last summer i can t take this anymore luckily it s never gotten so bad that i threatened her with suicide because i remember her saying she had an ex who did that to her and it sound like an awful thing to have done to you but that thought did cross my mind where i wanted to present that a an ultimatum to her if she couldn t just tell me what the exact reason or reason were she wanted to end it but i would never actually do that due to it being shitty to put another person through it s not enough for me to accept that we lived more than three hour from each other or she had a bad long term relationship end and wasn t trying to get into anything serious or she told me she wa feeling suffocated by me it s like the spongebob episode with patrick s secret box i just want so badly to hear what it might have been like she would tell her girl friend behind closed door no matter how bad it might sting or hurt but i know i ll never know precisely what she wa thinking it is so difficult to just move on or let it go like people always say for dating situation like this that to me just sound impossible i just hate dating i hate how some people have such ease jumping from date to date or going on multiple date with multiple people at once or talking to many people at one time it just make me feel so overwhelmed and upset that that seems to be the norm in society i can t take it it make me want to die just knowing that s what i m going to have to deal with if i want to have any hope of finding someone to be with let alone get over this last girl,Depression +38649,i m a 0 year old male lb lately i ve been having a dull ache that come and go in my chest the right and the left side but never at the same time aching pain in my arm especially around the wrist and knuckle that come and go almost always at night an occasional dropping feeling in my chest like my heart dropping and nerve tingle or zap kind of like an small electric shock at different spot all over my body sometimes it s my hand sometimes it s my neck or face the back of my head anywhere really it s almost always when i m trying to go to sleep at night i have an appointment with my primary care on april th and i m just trying to hold out until then went to the er a few week ago thinking i wa having a heart attack ekg came back normal and they diagnosed me with an anxiety attack and gave me hydroxyzine mg which helped at first but is now hit or miss and i m running out of it everyone at home including my dad who ha had many heart problem and know what it feel like say that it s just anxiety but i m honestly just so exhausted and on edge all the time even on the good day it s always there in the back of my mind that there s something wrong with me even though when i m at work listening to music singing basically exerting myself i don t feel these thing but when i lie down at night to go to sleep it s like everything just wake up and start fucking with me i dread going to bed every night ha anyone had any similar experience or symptom i just feel so alone in all this even though i know i can t be the only one thank you to anyone who actually read all this nonsense even though i don t know you i really appreciate it lt,Depression +38650,i m feeling every day more drained not only i have to deal with a job i hate but also my anxiety doesn t make it any better i dread going to work it s like all day i m imagining how tiring it s gon na be the day after it s a vicious cycle i can t seem to get out of what s more troubling it s that i ve never could do anything meaningful with my life to improve my situation i don t have any remarkable skill or something that can allow me to find a better job i feel such a loser don t know how much i m gon na be able to resist this these past two year since the pandemic started also made matter worse i m depressed almost all the time i don t feel like going out meeting with friend going to the movie nothing it s like everything it s piling up on me a few month ago i took the step of starting to follow some online course to gain skill that allow me to find a better job but it feel like i m never gon na make it i have negative thought constantly which lead me to believe i m gon na fail my anxiety also doesn t allow me to find a therapist i had a bad experience in the past that left me kinda scarred in this regard and now just finding professional help feel like a daunting task i m so lost what would you do thanks for reading,Depression +38651,i recently accepted a new position a an hris analyst which i ve wanted for a long time but one thing i feared about the job wa all the meeting we have to lead with cross functional team presentation that we have to make i came up with a good solution to a problem a few week ago and have been configuring everything in our hr system but my manager informed me that before i can move anything into our staff facing system i ll have to present my idea to a team of decision maker i am freaking out i have practiced what i m gon na say wrote down a script anticipated a many question they might ask a i could to make myself feel comfortable but i just know when it s my turn to present i m gon na be shaky nervous heart racing and uncomfortable and i am dreading it any advice on how to get over this this is going to be a part of my job going forward we have to do this for every big project or implementation and i don t know if i have the ability to handle it i didn t realize it wa going to involve this much face to face time with people i just wanted to do configuration i d love to hear some success story or any advice you may have for getting through thing like this i m hoping with time and experience this get easier but i am worried it won t tl dr i have severe public speaking edit anxiety and have to present something to a team of people at work i am terrified and am looking for some good insight into how i can ease my anxiety,Depression +38652,my anxiety ha been so bad recently and i m developing new fear and irrational thought i work in healthcare and have seen nasty thing like people aspirating choking on vomit and patient dead with throw up all over them i ate something off today and had to throw up i literally had to call my boyfriend i live alone and had the irrational fear i wa going to choke on my vomit or pas out later and nobody would find me until he came to see me this weekend i am honestly really embarrassed he saw me like that doe anyone else get health anxiety,Depression +38653,hi something weird happened to me yesterday at noon i m tryna understand what it wa exactly i went to some very nice restaurent with my fwb that i ve known for month so we have a trustful relationship at the end of the meal i wanted to go to the toilet in the third room of the restaurent i wa feeling calm and not anxious at all in this moment i didn t know the exact place where the bathroom wa located but when i got to the third room i felt really overwhelmed like i never did before even on acid there were a lot of plate on the wall not that much people but i felt like i understood nothing anymore really had a panic feeling everything looked weird like a dream i felt very oppressed in my body a strange weight i never felt before it wa nothing like regular anxiety it had no reason to be and it happened very fast i wa standing alone in this room i don t even know if people were looking at me i could barely understand where people were or what they were doing i had a strange feeling that i wa really going to lose control of my mind if i stayed here like somebody wa mixing my brain and my perception didn t go to the bathroom get back to my friend he looked at me like this explained the shit to him he wa like i don t think it wa an acid flashback it may have happened to me some month ago and it wa pretty different perspective distortion color changing hallucination did you experienced something like this,Depression +38654,doe anyone el anxiety cause extreme paranoia for context there will be situation to in which i think a situation is true when it not because of this family amp friend have to constantly reassure me it not wa wondering if anyone dealt with the same thing and if so what did you do to fix it,Depression +38655,please give me your grounding exercise to keep me busy a i make a long distance move happy thought appreciated,Depression +38656,so i haven t had a job in a year and today i finally had a phone interview for a work at home position that involved customer service since i have over five year of experience in that realm i thought i wa going to do well like i wa feeling really confident and thought i wa going to slam dunk the interview i watched so many interview video article wrote down interview question and my answer and practiced multiple time in the mirror and recorded myself over and over again i felt so good about myself but when the interview started and he started to ask me question i panicked because they were nothing like the one i thought they would be for the position i could barely get my thought together and form sentence i hung up and he called back and i lied and said the call dropped and then he went onto the next and i just couldn t do it i hung up again and broke down into tear and started to shake lmao at this point i feel like i m stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety i want to get a job again i want to get back into school but this anxiety shit ha me in a chokehold and it s making so sad idk what to do,Depression +38657,can i talk to someone please,Depression +38658,i wanted to share some of what i ve written because i find that writing is an outlet that help me to calm down sometimes i sit in a room full of people and stay quiet the loud chatter and the chaos of laughter will fill the room fill my head yet i keep my opinion and question to myself i keep my thought contained in my mind i watch a the girl who betrayed me smile and continues to talk i watch a my friend all happily converse with one another i watch a the boy throw their head back unable to control their laughter they ask if i am okay more quiet than usual and all i can say is that i am tired what they do not know is that i am not physically tired but mentally exhausted my mind is constantly racing overthinking every word that leaf my tongue every move i make and every awkward gesture that display itself during conversation with people i need a rest,Depression +38659,i am having a hard time nailing down whether i am truly experiencing ocd or anxiety or both amp x 00b doe anyone have any experience with one or both that can chime in,Depression +38660,i have achieved a good outcome a a manager gave me good comment and feedback however there s this thought in my head that s saying he ll rethink his decision and realise that the praise given wasn t warranted i feel like this worry is uncalled for but it s causing me distress doe anyone know how to deal with this type of thought,Depression +38661,haven t had one in awhile took med still nothing helped,Depression +38662,so i have a mild stutter and i just had an epiphany i ve been letting my stutter control me but i found something amazing out i let my stutter define who i wa a a person instead of an aspect of myself it s so bad that when my parent talk to me like a normal person i d think to myself wow they act like i m normal despite my stutter they see past that and when i would work people would see my name tag and say oh i have a son named my name and i would think he probably doesn t stutter tho i let this define who i wa a a person and i let it really get to me i wa looking at old reddit post from other people asking how people view stutter and most people said they didn t care at all and even found it interesting some even said it wa hot cute made joke sound more natural and a a result more funny not like they found the stutter funny tho and one even said they were turned on by it and someone said something that stuck out to me they pretty much said how you perceive yourself is how others will so if i see myself a weird and anxious i will act that way and be perceived in that way but if i see myself a confident and charismatic and just act like my stutter doesn t bother me and even joke about it then others will perceive me a such this blew my mind a i thought everyone didn t pick up on my stutter at first and just thought i wa super weird but it s just me convincing myself of that so even tho this clicked i still can t just flick the switch off so how do i actually become confident with my stutter it s very mild and is fueled by anxiety so if i can get rid of my anxiety it ll in my opinion make me sound more charismatic and confident so i really wan na figure out how to just own it how do i do this,Depression +38663,everyday is so hard i feel like everyone is fake and everybody think i m stupid or weirdo i ve been bullied alot mainly because i m quiet introvert what people use against me and abuse me feel like every friend or relative think i m nothing i m a failure just stupid it s so hard to live with myself,Depression +38664,in recent week i ve been starting to learn how to live with my anxiety to the point where i very minimally get anxiety anymore anxiety itself happens a couple time a week still but it s nothing i can t handle today i had an amazing day with friend and of course we drank a lot to the point where i wa very drunk at the end which is okay bc i drink more than average i m 9 anyway it wa an unforgettable day and i went to sleep drunk af boom i wake up with the biggest anxiety attack i ve had in month out of nowhere you all understand anxiety attack so hopefully you get it when i say that i wa totally convinced my body woke me up because i wa dying in my sleep or that a heart attack wa nearing now i m calming down on the couch at 0 am watching the office when i just want to sleep what i just want to get off my chest is that i hate that this stupid disorder follows me around in every aspect of my life it s just really depressing there s nothing i can do to make it stop ever it s just depressing that it s always there around the corner waiting for me i wa so proud of myself for learning how to deal with anxiety but now this shit happened to me and i just feel tired about it i honestly wouldn t wish this on my worst enemy i wouldn t wish it on anyone if i had to choose between infinite money or not having to live with anxiety ever again i d choose the latter every fucking time sorry but i just had to vent about this im just tired,Depression +38665,i live in my bedroom weekend burn by fast with me playing video game i bought a new car but lack will to learn how to get comfortable with it i want to do thing but i don t want to drive myself to these place in fear of crashing into something and my job is easy and amazing pay but somehow i find a way to disdain it and my coworkers i want to start dating again but all the sudden i ve become embarrassed of who i am i feel like i m boring and not really interesting to talk to my coworkers like to find my insecurity and turn it into a joke for everyone and i haven t done anything to them i m just there i feel like i m losing my grip on reality sometimes and just want to end it forever and if i did nothing of value would be lost and nobody would really care i m afraid of change yet i want it so much at the same time i just wish i were a more outgoing person who doesn t let other s word get to me,Depression +38666,so i have a mild stutter and i just had an epiphany i ve been letting my stutter control me but i found something amazing out i let my stutter define who i wa a a person instead of an aspect of myself it s so bad that when my parent talk to me like a normal person i d think to myself wow they act like i m normal despite my stutter they see past that and when i would work people would see my name tag and say oh i have a son named my name and i would think he probably doesn t stutter tho i let this define who i wa a a person and i let it really get to me i wa looking at old reddit post from other people asking how people view stutter and most people said they didn t care at all and even found it interesting some even said it wa hot cute made joke sound more natural and a a result more funny not like they found the stutter funny tho and one even said they were turned on by it and someone said something that stuck out to me they pretty much said how you perceive yourself is how others will so if i see myself a weird and anxious i will act that way and be perceived in that way but if i see myself a confident and charismatic and just act like my stutter doesn t bother me and even joke about it then others will perceive me a such this blew my mind a i thought everyone didn t pick up on my stutter at first and just thought i wa super weird but it s just me convincing myself of that so even tho this clicked i still can t just flick the switch off so how do i actually become confident with my stutter it s very mild and is fueled by anxiety so if i can get rid of my anxiety it ll in my opinion make me sound more charismatic and confident so i really wan na figure out how to just own it how do i do this,Depression +38667,hi last year in matheletics i managed to bag at least top 0 but suddenly this year my playing condition have dropped because when i look at the leaderboard every time it make me more anxious and lead to bad performance in the competition now i can not even reach top 000 this ha been making me more stressed and now i even have mixed feeling to never take part in any of these competition even though it thing that i like are there any way to at least calm myself down,Depression +38668,so it a beautiful day a lot of sun very warm overal nice but i sweat a lot i m wearing a white shirt and i m sweating a lot under my arm it s really noticeable and idk but it worry me a lot i feel really ashamed of this who else feel like this,Depression +38669,hi all i m working in human resource for a smaller company and we re keen to making sure we re being inclusive we ve managed to implement flexibility for those who celebrate different religion belief new parent and a variety of physical disability but we re still learning when it come to neurodiversity generally we re very ambitious and strong believer in inclusion for all so we want to make sure we re going above and beyond rather than just doing the bear minimum my question for you is what process and or action have you seen company take that were groundbreaking or in some may made a major difference to you a someone with anxiety it can also be something you heard of rather than something that happened to you specifically if you don t know a company doing something that you feel would be very effective what would you love to see a company do,Depression +38670,basically earlier i took a hit of this old roach this guy gave me and it tasted bad so i extinguished it didn t know it wa that bad lol he s a guy i know long story short i don t know if it wa moldy so i washed my hand and opened the cap of the case it wa in and just quickly inspected it with my eye not touching it then i rubbed my eye and my felt felt weird lol am i just being anxious maybe i have dry eye i wa smoking some actual fucking normal weed too sigh you feel me random anxiety oof,Depression +38671,i graduated in 0 9 and since then i moved back home and have been living in my room aside from going place with my family when they would force me and emotionally manipulate me to go which worsened my mental health my mum keep putting pressure on me to go with her to a spa or something even though i tell her it s not good for my mental health for her to try and manipulate me or guilt trip me to do thing with her when she ha friend and sister she can ask to do that with last year of university during the last semester i became mute and forgot how to talk to people because i wa alone and isolated i m socially awkward shy and my self esteem and confidence are none existent i prefer being alone but don t necessarily enjoy my own company i just prefer it to being around others i wa happy when lockdown happened because it meant everyone wa stuck at home like me and we could all be miserable together summer is coming which is my least favourite season because everyone s out and about laughing and having a good time and i m always home alone i don t want to live this way being all depressed anxious and suicidal i want to live and enjoy my life and remaining 0 i turn in a few month what can i do like what step can i start to take to be more confident self loving and go out more also what sort of thing can i do on my own or to find friend and a boyfriend please don t suggest online dating because for some reason i can t download any of the apps on my phone anymore,Depression +38672,i ve had about panic attack in the past hour i took mg of xanax which usually will alleviate some physical symptom i have not had a case where it hasn t yet this time the chest pain is sticking around and i can t seem to get rid of it anyone else have similar issue or any method of relief,Depression +38673,is it mostly in your thought mostly in your body or both if it is in your body where is it centered doe it feel like a buzz or suffocating sorry for all the question i m just curious about all of u,Depression +38674,tomorrow morning my month old son and i fly out of state for a month i ve only flown once when i wa and that wa with my entire family now i m and i m flying alone for the first time let alone with my son so i m carrying his car seat his stroller a big luggage a small luggage and a diaper bag the airport here is ginormous it wa just remodeled and everyone just talk about how it take an hour to walk to their gate i m really stressing out i ve had my anxiety under control super well lately but this is kind of beating me up i just hope it go well i hope we make the flight and my son doe well on it and doesn t get scared thankfully it s only a two hour flight but still,Depression +38675,on a bad day it feel a though someone ha applied the vignette filter and my field of view is decreased whilst thing become a bit more blurry and le vibrant my eyelid also become a bit heavier a though i ve just woken up after a nap and there s a sort of foggy feeling in my forehead and behind my eye can any of you guy relate to this or doe it sound like something unrelated to anxiety,Depression +38676,this isn t for me it s for my niece i ve got anxiety and get panic attack and she s got it too and is having a panic attack right now and i have no idea what the fuck to do so someone help me please i can t call her mum a she s on a flight or her sister who is like about to have a baby so someone tell me what i should do i m freaking the fuck out because i know my coping mechanism will not help her whatsoever,Depression +38677,hi i m new here i have a phobia or heavy anxiety about not being remembered after death and not mattering after death i know nothing really matter but there s this primal anxiety i feel from it that i can not shake i recently started to look at it a little differently that made me feel a little teeny better but is this normal edit also i recently developed a fear of dying suddenly just some recent medical diagnosis sound scary and i haven t lived with them for long so i don t know what the new normal is,Depression +38678,this town is causing me depression and anxiety i lived here my whole life and i only have bad memory here abuse bullying etc i even have trouble walking and breathing because of the stress i need to leave because it s making my depression worse i tried to talk about it with my psychiatrist but she dismissed it isn t she suppose to help me get out of here,Depression +38679,i ve been feeling lightheadedness for at least two week it s starting to make my anxiety worse i m feeling thing like chest and neck pain and it s making me freak out i used to have really bad panic attack and i still have a couple xanax from when my doctor gave me a few to deal with the worst of it i know one of the side effect of xanax is dizziness should i be taking it if i m already feeling lightheaded,Depression +38680,earlier today my mom used a defuser on my hair because it s getting shaggier so the curl are much thicker thus not popping out a much a she wa doing it i started to feel dizzy couldn t hear vision got worse and i nearly blacked out i don t know what the cause for this is so yeah i m posting this idk if this is the right sub for this but it s worth a shot,Depression +38681,recently wa diagnosed with gad and though i kind of knew i had some sort of anxiety disorder my whole life being diagnosed motivated me to stop avoiding and confront everything i started going to therapy and i learned a lot about myself but the more i practice mindfulness the more i ve come to hate myself i ve spent my whole life constantly caring so much about what others thought of me that i never stepped out of my comfort zone i feel like i have no sense of self identity i convinced myself throughout high school that i wa okay being alone and bypassed a bunch of opportunity i would ve never admitted it out loud before but i realized have such a low self esteem most problem i have created in my life is a result of me it s not like i didn t know this from before hand but admitting it ha made the thought more prevalent i don t know why i feel worse in this sense after getting a diagnosis,Depression +38682,hi all i m currently living through a nightmare situation and my anxiety is going through the roof i need some advice but mostly support me and my partner took a short trip to rome after a trip to england where i attended my sister s wedding we re both from the u and flew quite far i have a massive fear of flying but having my partner there to hold my hand helped a lot we were supposed to go back to the u today but were surprised at the airport when we were told we needed a negative covid test along with our vaccination card we ran downstairs to get tested and mine came back positive while hers came back negative the italian government required that i came with them and quarantine for seven day in a hotel my partner wasn t allowed to come we had to separate and she went on a different plane back home because there wa no reason to stay in rome for a ton of money when she wasn t allowed to see me at all i wa taken away in a van with dude in hazmat suit and placed in this quarantine hotel by myself the hotel isn t bad they give me plenty of food and water and it s free luckily for me to stay here but i can not stop cry i ve been here for hour and i just can t stop i m so scared i don t know when i ll be out of here so i can t time the end of my quarantine with another plane going back home and i m so so so scared i ll have to get home on my own somehow in a foreign country where people don t speak english very fluently i m stuck in this one room for six more day if i don t calm down somehow i think i ll lose my mind i may try some yoga and watch a many video on my phone a i can but i have so much time to do nothing but stew in my anxiety and cry and cry and cry i want to go home i feel so sad advice would be helpful and support a well i have a lot of people looking out for me but i know no one in italy at the moment so i feel very much alone right now and in case anyone is wondering my covid symptom aren t bad at all only symptom is a runny nose what s troubling me most right now is my extreme anxiety and stress,Depression +38683,hey guy been lurking on here for a while but finally here to make my first post trigger warning talk of suicidal ideation ironically enough it s anxiety that prevented me from ever posting but we re doing it now i never struggled with anxiety very badly before the pandemic i wa in my first year of college and life ha always been good to me but last year after i went back to school for my second year thing never felt quite the same i now realize it wa general anxiety but it wa kind of scary i wa always stressed sometimes i wouldn t be able to fall asleep at night for a few day in a row everything i did or didn t do felt like a huge deal then i had my first panic attack and severe anxiety attack in the early spring and i finally looked into what wa going on i talked about it with friend and family and that ha helped me get through it then this fall came i wa working 0 hour a week while being a full time math student on the side the anxiety wa worse than it had ever been the level of generalized anxiety wa heightened and the anxiety attack on the side would sometimes push me to suicidal ideation i reached out to on campus treatment and had an appointment scheduled but it got pushed back due to the building that the mental health wa in being closed for a water pipe breaking and the second date didn t work in my busy schedule so i cancelled it it s been a few month since then and my anxiety ha gotten better but still not in a good place i ve gotten really good at normalizing my anxiety telling myself everyone deal with this like i do but after coming home for spring break and talking to my sister and a hometown friend i realize that this is not normal a they both reminded me that there are resource for me that i should pursue i m finally scheduled for counseling next week and am really looking forward to hopefully getting a treatment plan to work through this all,Depression +38684,i feel like i m in a simulation game movie etc when i wa doin intake at helen ross mcnabb the lady told me it wa depersonalization i don t kno how to feel abt it but i also don t want to be one of those ppl who say they have something when they don t yk idk if that s what it is or whatever it kinda scare me inna way bc i think about stuff from the past n think did that rlly happen like could this rlly be all fake i m kinda stuck the only thing that help in when i m on the game or something,Depression +38685,i m worried that they re going to think that i wa lying and that i m going to get into some trouble for the past month i had like or refund because the amazon driver keep putting my package outside my gate when they re suppose to put it inside this led to my package getting stolen recently it happened again i couldn t find my package but it turn out my mom brought it in earlier and placed it somewhere and forgot tell me what do i do,Depression +38686,i feel like my left side of the chest like move everytime like it keep vibrating is it normal,Depression +38687,i feel like i ve got no energy left to give or to keep up appearance like even responding to folk when they ask simple question feel like lifting a 00lb weight i m exhausted and can t handle the thought of any kind of interaction i m so lonely but so utterly worn out from being anxious to manage the effort can anyone relate,Depression +38688,i have been trying to drop in on a ramp every time i do it in the last second i lean back and fall i can simulate it in my head but my fear or anxiety prevents me i literally went skydiving last week but i can not get myself to do a simple trick i ve fallen plenty of time so what s the worst thing that can happen it s weird how fear is relative i go skydiving one week and the next week i get nervous while driving or when talking to a girl one ha more fatal consequence while the other one just make me nervous i want to conquer all fear but trying new thing is always stressful,Depression +38689,my house had a flood one day when i wa home alone it wa really scary in the moment water running down the wall and moving faster than i could handle on my own it wasn t terribly bad but damaged our basement floor so my husband and i had to move everything upstairs we waited for insurance to approve the claim and then decided my husband would do the work himself to save some fund before we bought the supply we both got covid thankfully his symptom were minimal but it wa not a fun battle for me i managed to stay out of hospital but i wa sick for month the family friend we contracted covid from died we also experienced another significant family death during this time not covid related my husband then ran into several setback with the flooring all together by the time the basement wa put back together it had been month month of extra furniture box christmas decoration gaming equipment and other junk all over the house in a jumbled mess a good chunk of the month i wa sick grieving slowly recovering and isolated because of lockdown i also lost all my front gardening work by the contractor digging up and water proofing our window well ever since i find my anxiety go through the roof whenever i hear heavy rain i used to find it really soothing but now i start to panic about flooding happening again or just something bad in general i can t focus on anything other than waiting for it to stop anyone else feel this way about storm,Depression +38690,been having some off and on anxiety tonite and this old school hippie gave me a roach kinda used joint in the weed community and i m like cool i take a hit and it tasted like as extinguished it and put it away breathing now i looked inside the joint paper and it wa like brown and i worried if the joint wa old moldy also smoked some okay weed i think i m okay i hope just anxious and like wtf,Depression +38691,i am year old and 9 pound and for the past few day i ve been having this weird chest pain it s right in the center of my chest kind of lower tho like in between my breast and it feel like a dull ache discomfort feeling it s not burning at all and doesn t hurt a lot but it feel strange like a little ache with some tightness it only last le than a minute but happens about three time a day it happens when i m sitting down and it happened this morning when i wa laying in bed about to get up i suffer from bad health anxiety and am scared that this is angina based on what i ve heard about it and there is something wrong with my heart i had holter monitor and ecg s in the past that came out normal but im scared thing changed from there this keep happening and i m so scared,Depression +38692,hello everyone i just want to share a quick post with you all anxiety is such a disabling state to be in it crushed my life for some time causing a series of tragedy in my life i wa able to cure myself completely of all anxiety forever because i did it i know all can do it it take mental sacrifice and self discipline first i found that anxiety is closely related to thought thought of the past and thought of the future i sat in silence for a long time watching the thought the emotion that came with it until i realized that thought do one thing they take you out of reality reality is now now in this very moment a thought carry a tag with it a tag of past or future something will not go right in the future for you something terrible may happen how do i avoid this impending disaster what will i do i found that when these thought occurred nothing terrible wa actually happening to me we are only imagining something terrible happening it is almost like daydreaming it is not real further it go against reality the future is not here only now is here whatever now is for you maybe this laptop a screen a wall an iphone in a car that s where you really are bring yourself to the present moment where you are always real true and safe similarly with the past it doesn t exist now i know you will say it doe but when you think of anything in the past you are imagining it now remembering is imagining it is a thought if you don t believe me go in the mirror look at yourself and tell me if you have any past hanging off of you do you see it anywhere do you see the future anywhere or do you just see yourself now a you are safe in the mirror thought are not you they are seen by you and you have the power to simply ignore it if it suck you in become conscious of the now where you can bring yourself back to safety lastly i found out the greatest truth in the universe through spiritual contemplation meditation stillness and surrender i found that this world and my body are not who i am that i am the light that shine on all experience the light that illuminates thought and even illuminates my body my identity shifted behind me to the great mystery of life i now know that whatever happens is not under my control in life i am just the light and this light embrace and becomes everything in the universe aye the universe is contained in this light and we are it therefore whatever may happen to my body to my illusory identity it totally fine because i have always been here and will always be here so will you because it is all one thing you can not be told this or learn it you just have to find yourself or rather lose yourself your identity your belief it is a process of humility humbleness internal poverty and surrender become nothing and you will find that you are everything that ever is wa or shall be you are all safe everywhere blessing and love for you all,Depression +38693,anyone else suffer heart palpitation ive had them for day now and feel extremely scary and wish they would go away ive had them before a while ago and now they are back to annoy me i have a doctor appointment on wednesday but im not sure i can wait,Depression +38694,i ve been feeling this way for close to a year at this point but it ha gotten worst within the last few week i feel that i am unable to calm down and i m in a constant state of panic at first i passed this off a just stress from school from being behind on assignment but i m all caught up with work now and i just feel even worse my heart ha been racing for literal hour and this kind of thing happens way too regularly now i m also really struggling from being in recovery from an eating disorder and i ve struggled with depression really badly for about a year about a year ago i also went through a traumatic event that cause me to panic whenever i hear any urgent voice from another room im just so done with feeling this way and keeping it to myself all the time and i want some validation for my stress,Depression +38695,anybody else experience feeling scared of your own mind or wanting distraction from your own self i feel like everyday it s a battle where i need to try to stay sane or find distraction i feel like if i don t find a distraction i might go crazy but if i do find distraction i feel like i m giving in to the anxiety i m so tired,Depression +38696,i ve suffered with anxiety all my life been on multiple medication from a young age just to try and make my life more manageable i ve grown up because an adult yet i still spend day in bed and cry because my anxiety is just so bad i wake up with the heavy feeling of dread all the time and find even the most minor inconvenience barely managable let alone the big one which entirely crush me i have no idea how to help it anymore i drink alcohol regularly because that s the only thing that help my mind to hush and stop beating me up about everything i do wrong for just a little while any tip from anyone would be most appreciated,Depression +38697,i m so fucking anxious all the time it s killing me i felt great last august no panic attack for over a year and my social anxiety disappeared so i came off my med within week i wa back on them and haven t been right since the trazodone stopped working so i went on mirtazapine and gained stone in a many month so i came off that and went on agomelatine my anxiety wa increasing severely so my gp put me back on trazodone on the rd march but only after keeping me on agomelatine for week which is basically a placebo pill i ve been in a amp e time in week having a panic attack they give me like mg tablet of diazepam and send me on my way my gp refuse to give me any even though it s so severe i can t get out of bed never mind leave the house i don t know what to do these level of terror aren t sustainable and nobody seems to want to help or prescribe me the one thing that help i m also in the uk which is awful for mental health service no technique help because i m so anxious i can t think about anything else other than heart attack and dying with it i m so tired,Depression +38698,i m always scared of getting dvt but usually tell myself it s not it and move on i do get leg pain from working a desk job and have had leg ultrasound in the last year that were clear i usually tell myself if it s a symptom i ve felt before i m fine just started a work from home job where walk le i get up every hour but walking around the house is very different than a large office building and my leg ha been hurting which isn t new but i happened to look at where it hurt and it s the area right below my knee cap on the inner part of my leg aka the part that could touch the other leg when i m standing i noticed there is slight swelling there idk if swelling is even the right term since it s not hot or red but def stick out more than the other side maybe about half an inch more which is new considering i ve in the past looked for swelling a i mentioned before it s not hot or red but i am worried yet don t want to cry wolf and get a rd ultrasound in the last year i should mention i have an autoimmune disease that can put me at risk for blood clot but thankfully have had no issue prior i don t want to bother my dr again but also don t want this to be the time i actually have it since i ve never seen swelling on my leg before,Depression +38699,so i got depression anxiety and the debilitating i can t do ish type i am currently procrastinating on an assignment i need to do fast help also do you guy feel like you have an almost physical pain due to all this stuff that you try to avoid facing,Depression +38700,my childhood cat died in a horrible accident while no one wa in a room and i saw all the aftermath happen when i ran into the room i ve had anxiety of slamming door book heavy object in general ever since a few day ago my dad wa working on my car since it ha leak and the door were open our other cat are free to go outside and they were out and about since it wa nice well my dad got done working on the car and closed the door later he asks me to put the car in the garage i go and start the car open the garage and begin pulling forward just then i hear two raspy meow and all the blood rush from me i almost start cry i m hyperventilating i jump out of my car and check under the tire but no one is there my cat jump onto my dashboard from the backseat of the car i m so horrified at this point but begin to calm down knowing shes okay and that my dad accidentally locked her in the car for a little bit i m glad shes safe but ever since then i ve had nightmare of running over my cat with the gory imagery coming from my first cat death and those meow my cat voice is naturally like that but sounding more in pain and raspy i dont know why i m so scared i dont even want to drive anymore because of this i always double click my lock button before i unlock and get in so that my car beep and scare away anything my parent get mad at me for doing it in the morning i m so scared of another accident what do i do,Depression +38701,so i ve been working steadily since i wa i m now i ve been dealing with anxiety panic disorder the entire time i used to have it mostly under control enough that it didn t usually affect my work social life etc but it ha gotten really bad i ve been calling in sick a lot i worked a five hour shift yesterday and i wa having a panic attack by the time my gf picked me up i just don t think i m physically or mentally capable of working right now but i have rent to pay and i can t afford to be unemployed so i m wondering if anybody here ha gotten disability assistance for their anxiety panic attack and how i might go about doing that,Depression +38702,ha anyone been on this for anxiety im currently on 0mg of lamictal and my anxiety s been getting worse my psych prescribed hydroxyzine but im only able to take it at night a it either knock me out or lead to more physical feeling of anxiety tightness in my chest and headache his only other option he talked about wa an anti anxiety buspar taken everyday but i really want an a needed i take pill a day and ssri snris are not an option i also dont deal with anxiety daily but rather panic attack anxiety attack that occur randomly i guess im wondering how anyone here would describe hydroxyzine in comparison to benzos ha anyone been on both before and have an insight to which may be better i understand the risk i just want some honest info about your experience in what help thank you in advance,Depression +38703,i feel like i have had this crap since i wa young and depending on whether or not i can convince myself everything will be okay is where my anxiety level are i am constantly plagued by my own thought about dying and more specifically what happens after and the wonderful memory throughout my life that will just be gone i love life so strongly the sunrise and sunset the connection with family friend my husband potentially future child that i ve been holding off on until i can come to some sort of conclusion with this anxiety and the companionship of animal sometimes i spiral into panic over it and just don t know how i m going to keep doing this for the rest of my life the anxiety is so bad that i would say at this point i have depression that i ve never felt wa a label that ha matched me in the past doe anyone have any kind word or advice or anything ha anyone had success with finding their way out of this anxiety i m not religious but i am spiritual and look at life very factually and scientifically this is just one thing that i don t have very good answer to or hope about,Depression +38704,i ve been feeling anxious and stressed out lately which usually cause me to have chest and pain in the middle of my back now i looked up my symptom on google i know i know big mistake and apparently my symptom mostly align with a condition called stable angina this condition can lead to unstable angina which can be fatal i ve gotten at least ekg done in the past month or so and they have all been normal but i m still scared that maybe my body just can t handle stress and is slowly shutting down i don t know ha anyone else here experienced anything like this,Depression +38705,the past three day ive experimented with milligram klonipin everyday it made me see life from a different view ive never been able to talk to people talk on the phone make eye contact talk to a girl and im in constant edge the klonopin ha helped durastucally today i applied for three job called place asking to hire and wa able to make confident eye contact can i be on klonipin long term it help so much i really believe i have the world worst anxiety my brain is on like turbo mode all day without it,Depression +38706,ah yes this is how it feel to walk around without a serpent in your stomach interact with stranger without overthinking every word you say focus on what s in front of you rather than what s swirling inside your mind to feel optimistic and excited day like today almost knock me off balance because i hardly recognise myself when i m completely free of anxiety aka when my atavistic survival mechanism is functioning correctly and not just making thing worse the fact that some people live like this make me unbelievably envious,Depression +38707,in the last month i started with a new therapist a my anxiety ha been the worst it ever ha in like ten year up until now i wa able to go medication free and just deal with thing little by little through talk therapy now it s like i m again and all the scary physical side effect of anxiety are hurling back through my life my therapist asked me how do you know you re having anxiety before your physical symptom for me it s a lot of shaking in arm leg and jaw getting really flushed skin picking tic heart racing get uncontrollable and i couldn t answer her question because like i don t know i m having anxiety until i get those big red flag physical cue what are some smaller physical cue you get before you get more extreme one,Depression +38708,two day ago i got the biontech vaccine my third dose on the night immediately after i got the vaccine i had a celsius degree fever on the next day it went down a bit i think it wa ish but wa evidently better than my first day today i still felt a bit hot and i checked my temperature to be around a well yet i don t feel super unwell just sometimes i would feel my body is a bit warmer than usual may i ask if this is okay people say that if your fever doe not go away hour after vaccination something is wrong but i don t have any other symptom no pain no fatigue whatsoever may i ask if this is something that i should be concerned about,Depression +38709,hello my daughter is suffering from what doctor initially diagnosed a depression we tried different med and all resulted in a flat affect and her staying in bed eating seemingly only carbs and gaining weight weaning off resulted in a year old thst ha life but is still anxious to the point of impairment at time she is terrified to try anxiety or adhd med a she doe not want to end up flat her word i am not looking for medical advice rather i am wondering if anyone ha experience with medication that did not totally remove emotion i hope this make sense and i thank you for reading,Depression +38710,i ve noticed that for a few glorious minute in the morning right after waking up i m great calm unbothered soft but then i can feel stress in my body and then i m not sure how to get rid of it and it build a anxiety doe how do you all get rid of body stress in the early morning,Depression +38711,i am mexican and i speak spanish i am using google translator to avoid any error i m and i don t have social anxiety but i do have anxiety disorder and although i know that there is nothing that can harm me physically or cause something serious since i already checked my sadness and the thought that i will never get over it i get tired and i feel that if i sleep or relax i can even die of a heart attack this is the first time i post something on reddit but i think this group can help me,Depression +38712,any one el see the slightest double not like seeing it bad but in a mild way like hard to focus on looking at thing like ur finger for example if u have doe it ever go away i got it from being derealized for a year n a half im not extremely derealized any more but it s slightly their but if u have experienced this what did u do to help it im gon na start going to therapy to find the root to my issue soon how did u guy benefit from therapy i m exited i m just constantly questioning every thing n feeling scared i just wish i could feel normal again i m constantly anxious i hate being in car and just being any where in general,Depression +38713,everyone tell me to go outside but for year i get nervous who will i run into what will i say if my neighbor stop to chat with me even putting all that aside even if none of those thing happen i am still anxious,Depression +38714,besides taking deep breath what else can i do,Depression +38715,i have a constant fear that i m going to have cardiac arrest or a fatal arrhythmia i f in good health just got back from the gym and it wa great now i m in my car about to get lunch and bam my anxiety kicked in and my heart started beating soo fast honestly it probs only beating 00bpm and all i can think about is what if i die from a cardiac event i m on beta blocker literally for my anxiety and am in therapy but sometimes these thought happen from time to time and it s frustrating i have no real problem with my heart and it s all in my head but sometimes i just wish it would turn off,Depression +38716,last november i had a week where i wa so scared of death i couldn t sleep eat drink do anything i have a lot of anxiety and this wa just another one of those thing which bother me every so often but a lot more intense at that point maybe day go by i m so scared i decide to get really high to forget about it not a great idea but nothing go bad day later i start to have really really intense muscle twitching it made my anxiety so bad i had to go go a amp e a i couldn t breathe fast forward month later and i m still twitching every 0 second haven t used any drug in that time until the last week or two i ve noticed it make the twitching way worse when high if i m anxious at all but if i m not anxious the twitching is the same a normal so i m pretty sure it is anxiety related have had blood test done for deficiency s and nothing i also had a test done which told me i m producing time the normal amount of adrenaline constantly pretty sure this is the cause i have no idea what to do and how to stop this and it s driving me insane i m trying to get anxiety med but i have no official anxiety diagnosis so i m not sure if i even can i ve got a doctor appointment earliest they could do is in a month and a half could anyone help me on what to do,Depression +38717,my parent have never really cared about what i m doing online because they trust me to be safe plus i am a teenager so i know about internet safety and stuff which is good because i don t like my parent knowing what i do online and it not think in doing anything bad i just don t like my parent knowing i don t even want them to know what show i watch i don t know why this is but recently i ve started blocking my bedroom door with my chair my room is very small so all i have to do is wheel my chair back slightly to block it and when my mum come in she always asks me why i ve blocked my door and then she asks if it because i m watching naughty thing she doe always asks this in a joking way but it make me uncomfortable i just don t know how to tell her how uncomfortable it make me so any advice with telling her would help me a lot,Depression +38718,can anxiety cause pain where ur heart is i ve had ekg n been to the dr n they said i wa fine but my mind think it something else yk,Depression +38719,idk if anyone else get this i get anxiety poop sometimes but i also get anxiety vomit idk if it from excessive hyperventilating when i have an attack or just from the anxiety i get super nauseous and have no choice but to go vomit this can happen every night if it particularly bad doe anyone else get this i tried looking it up and i couldn t find much regarding vomiting when having a panic anxiety attack it the worst,Depression +38720,i feel like i have always had anxiety ocd but it ha never really negatively effected my life like it doe now it feel like it is really getting in the way of my daily life being that i made it year without it having huge effect doe that mean that it can go away or will this just be my life now amp x 00b any thought that people have from experience,Depression +38721,hi i am an y o female and i struggle with social anxiety i am attending my last year of high school year and i ve been struggling attending school lately especially history class a i have a presentation that wa due week ago it s only in front of the teacher i ve had this teacher for maybe three year now but i hate presenting in front of him i had him in year and too in german but last year it got so bad i had to get help i even went down a grade because of my anxiety he s not a bad teacher or anything like that but he ha this habit of pointing and making u student talk even if we don t necessarily want or is able to which ha made me scared to attend his class i want to cry just thinking about it he also doesn t give any confirmation when we present something he just look disappointed and it doe not help at all he doe this even when we do a good job get good grade i m also not confident about this presentation and i have barely slept these past couple of week because i feel bad about not going to school i sit up wanting to try fix on it but i never end up doing it because i just feel like i can t it s really frustrating it is ruing my attendance and grade in other class too any advice i am in this horrible circle and i just can t seem to get out i almost don t even want to but i m scared i am going to fail history and i can not do it all over again it s too much,Depression +38722,nowadays it s a if my body is just tired of being anxious all the time like it doesn t really care anymore like it s just an annoying pest i get intrusive thought which fuel my anxiety and my neurosis it seems that after dealing with it all for so long the constant worrying the obsessing the hyper fixation the pacing back amp forth the chest pain and the dizziness the shallow breathing i m just tired of it so tired of fighting my mind and body is basically starting to tell itself man what are you even toiling over what s the point why worry about what s not there what you can t control it s one thing when others say that kind of stuff to you but when you realize it yourself it hit different somehow i m starting to actually feel some relief for the first time in a long time this is an interesting development in how i feel towards my mental health i guess it s some kind of progress though not the ideal way to overcome the anxiety it s better than nothing i m sure i m not out of the wood yet but hey i ll take it i want my life back i don t know if anyone else ha made this realization too i m just kind of venting keep your head up everyone stay safe out there,Depression +38723,i would know if i had a brain damage injury anyersum or my brain is bleeding in the past like month ago my ex boyfriend would punch me in the head pull my hair one time he punched me really hard i had a bump and a extreme headache for day it went away i never went to get it checked because it went away something would have happened by then right if i wa bleeding or had something going on from then on i been stressed and i have headache everyday mainly at a certain time i been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder i just need reassurance im okay right i wa playing a game on my phone all of a sudden my head started feeling really tight and weird anyways the point is is the stress causing it he used to hit my head alot the last time wa like month ago but before that too other than the concussion i felt fine would i have blacked out if it wa bad enough to do damage i never did i been fine but i started having headache reccently maybe stress im fine right plz give me reasssurace answer this i would know if i had a brain bleed how long after a accident can ur brain bleed would i have known by now,Depression +38724,the worst symptom of my anxiety is that i find it impossible to sleep when sharing a bed or even a bedroom it s like my brain won t switch off with someone else there it ha an impact on relationship obviously but also on just thing like going on holiday with friend because it s way more expensive to have to book my own hotel room rather than share doe anyone have the same issue ha anyone found way to fix it i d be ok with not sleeping a well a normal but it s literally like the difference between hr alone and 0 hr with company i can t function if i share for day in a row,Depression +38725,i have had a lot of problem with anxiety for a long a i remember a lot of my struggle involve health medical anxiety i ve reached a point where i know i need help but i have absolutely no idea where to start medical environment cause me inexplicable fear and dread so waltzing into a doctor office and saying i would like a referral for mental health care is not feasible,Depression +38726,i suffer from anxiety and ocd so i went to a neuropsychiatrist who prescribed me a month treatment which is paroxetine paxil 0 mg he told me to start with half tablet the first day then take a full one for the rest of the day i took it at midday prazepam 0 mg half tablet at midday the other half at night clomipramine mg one tablet at night he didn t tell me anything about tapering off so i stopped them abruptly and ended up experiencing very bad annoying withdrawal symptom like nausea vomiting headache weird sensation in my muscle i felt my body vibrating vivid dream dizziness stomach pain shaking fatigue anxiety mood change i felt depressed cried a lot too etc litteraly a nightmare it s been week since i stopped them and the withdrawal symptom are becoming le intense compared to the first day thank god and honestly i m never approching these medication again i just hope the remaining symptom dissapear too then i ll stick with therapy and herb my question is will this abrupt discontinuation have bad long lasting effect on my body or will this all go away permanently after the withdrawal suffrance stop thanks,Depression +38727,even when i have logical proof that it isn t true i still can t help thinking everyone find me annoying and hate me one example of this is a guy that work in the reception of my accommodation we get along well we talk more often than we would need to and often about thing that aren t customer employee related he ll asks me question about my family and my life when he doesn t need to in reality the only interaction we need to have is me collecting parcel or if i have problem with the accommodation so clearly all other conversation is optional and he wouldn t talk to me if he didn t want to yet i still can t help but think he hate talking to me and would rather i just leave him alone and yes there is the possibility that he s just putting up with me for those few minute but even then i know this probably isn t true a he suggested i apply for student ambassador next year and he wouldn t do that if he couldn t truly stand me because the role involves working with him for multiple hour so why despite these solid fact do i think he can t stand me and how do i stop thinking like this,Depression +38728,i m not financially stable enough right now to afford a therapist but my anxiety is really bad and since i m going into university soon i need to get over it really soon can i just do exposure therapy by myself like throw myself out there and just hope for the best and possibly have multiple panic attack,Depression +38729,recently i broke up with my girlfriend i m in a deep feeling of solitude i had a panic attack last night she feel better but i keep questioning my self for what i did wrong i can t sleep and i m feeling very anxious someone can help me,Depression +38730,if you d like to know my particular situation see my last post in r personalfinance to summarize i have intense anxiety about graduating college i don t think my anxiety would be so bad if it weren t for my parent telling me how hard life is and trying to give me nonsensical advice on what i should do such a getting an apartment before getting a job it may be important to note that they are not successful adult in term of career finance if i had to describe myself in one word these day i d say scared i m scared of so much and most of the fear is irrational spiraling thought i ve always been successful in school but i m so scared that adulthood is just too hard everyone tell me how hard it is i think i m making the right decision but i m so so so unsure of myself this ha been making my daily task really hard small task have become insurmountable there s phone call i ve been putting off i do all my assignment right before they re due and most of all it s so so hard to think plan for my future after graduation i start cry get super brain fog my stutter intensifies a ton and i hyperventilate then i tell myself i m not in the right state of mind to make decision right now so focus on dealing with the anxiety so i m turn i feel unprepared for my future the thing is i do have a plan a detailed in my last post i feel like i m in a fine position for someone my age situation i just overthink constantly thank you all for letting me rant please comment if you have any advice or kind word,Depression +38731,hello all i am sorry i have to make a post for this i am just new to therapy and medication my therapist prescribed me lexapro and told me if that didn t workout or it made me too sick or lightheaded she would switch me to zoloft what is the difference all i can find is horror story on lexapro or people acting like it s a miracle drug i find the same on zoloft i also am in a career field that requires intensive concentration during period of time firefighter paramedic and i have heard lexapro make it hard to focus or concentrate thought comment concern story all appreciated i just need insight,Depression +38732,ha anyone had a panic attack for the first time or not even necessarily for the first time but just a bad one and it changed their anxiety physical anxiety symptom i had my first ever proper panic attack in january of this year it wa awful and i went to a amp e thinking i wa dying a bit over a month went by and i wa fine but then suddenly out of nowhere i got an insane head rush when i wa trying to sleep it disappeared when i opened my eye then came back again when i closed them it caused me so much distress and i had no idea what it wa i wa having anxiety attack and wa in a constant state of alertness and worry ever since then i ve had constant light headedness brain fog just feeling completely spaced out type of feeling i ve been on constant alert wondering if i m feeling dizzy spaced out and it s just progressively gotten worse from there i feel tired all the time and mildly disassociated it s honestly ruining my life i ve had multiple test done and they ve all come back clear so i m wondering is this all just my anxiety having gotten worse after that intense panic attack i need to know if these physical symptom are due to anxiety or not any help is really appreciated lt,Depression +38733,i really want to get a dog i think it would help me with my problem my boyfriend like dog but he like cat a little more i prefer dog,Depression +38734,those are longest symptom along with nausea fatigue dizziness overwhelming feeling,Depression +38735,i m a straight male i haven t really had a serious male friend since middle school and i ve pretty much realized that outside of family i only really want to talk to woman in general i don t exclusicely try to talk to woman that i find attractive i have trust issue with men and woman so it must be something else is this maybe some form of annxiety i have bad gad i just don t understand this aspect of myself,Depression +38736,i m not a big fan of sharing overly personal stuff online so i ll just say that i ll have to take a moderately long plane ride soon a couple week from now i think and every day i have at least one mini panic attack worrying about it there are some minor complication that could happen to me on the flight but nothing particularly harmful or super bad in any sense i m mostly concerned about anxiety claustrophobia and the side effect of that while on the flight this is stressful and feel pointless a i know from past experience i never know how i ll feel until i m there or in this case in the anxiety inducing situation any advice,Depression +38737,i ve literally never changed my hairstyle it s just been a trim on top and on side but recently i ve started going out more and a few people i ve met out ha said to me that getting a medium fade cut would look good i ve always had a problem with barber though i have to go in about 0 minute before it close on a friday a that s the least busy time i only ask for the same cut because i hate making change how do i word it what do i say when i come in having a script in my head make thing easier cheer,Depression +38738,hi just wanted to share my experience and hopefully get some advice from people who suffered through same symptom when i have extreme anxiety period i can not eat almost at all i eat one small meal a day if im lucky also vomiting can not be avoided when these episode come i have vomited several time when i wa out with friend for example i would say i have to pee and i would vomit my soul out of my body how can i help myself i am tired of dealing with this,Depression +38739,hi so can anxiety stress make a person physically ill like shivering dizzy throwing up nauseous no appetite drastic weight loss i need serious help i ve always had alittle anxiety who doesnt i have been biting my nail my whole life but recently i ve been having health issue going to the hospital and doctor constantly and they find nothing wrong i eventually got diagnosed with ibs but isn t ibs linked to stress my symptom have been getting worse i lost both my grandpa in 0 i got accepted into school which is exciting but maybe stressful i constantly feel like i need to puke i m not really eating i m losing weight when im on a date with my boyfriend i ruin the whole thing cuz i just need to go home and lay down someone please help me i have a doctor appointment to discus this but i just want outsider opinion i feel lost confused and scared,Depression +38740,in high school i wa quiet mind my business didn t talk to many people i noticed that certain people just didn t like me one time a teacher moved a girl to sit next to me and she made this weird face like annoyed and when she sat next to me she wa slightly turned ti the direction i wasn t in and not facing straight another occasion i wa sitting in a table with other people and none of them would bother to talk to me even when i tried to make a convo or ask a question and one of them actually cut hair now and my brother and dad cut their hair with her and they re always saying she talk a lot etc she s friendly today i went to that place to cut my hair and she wa completely quiet just asked me what hair type i wanted and the price of the cut i didn t want to start a convo cause i knew that back then she wouldn t even want to talk i just feel like i have something that just make people dislike me for no reason,Depression +38741,ha anyone had really intense brain fog this year i mean it s been pretty bad before but i genuinely can t remember stuff and relative time is confusing sometimes a day feel like a week or i ll think i discussed something with someone on monday and it s been week and they ve been waiting for me to follow up i ll be halfway through making a decision and it take me forever bc my brain get stuck and then i forget what i wa even trying to decide,Depression +38742,so i know i shouldn t because everyone experience anxiety differently but my social anxiety really hinders my ability to socialize and a a result i really can not currently build up the courage to have even basic social interaction sometimes i hear very popular people with ton of friend say that they have social anxiety or have no friend and it just make me angry inside or social medium influencers it s like i m mad because my social anxiety hinders me from doing what they do,Depression +38743,obviously trigger warning for talk about sexual activity i don t know why and i don t know if i m supposed to do something about it or just ignore it since i don t necessarily have any interest in having sex with another person sometimes i ll want to masturbate but that s it i don t want to be having sex with anyone however when i do try and masturbate i ll suddenly get hit with emotion of anxiety and guilt and disgust and i have to immediately stop i then start cry and panicking and i don t know why a far a i can remember i ve never had a negative experience with sex or sexual harassment or sexual assault i mean i have experienced a friend that would try and touch me inappropriately but at the time it didn t really bother me since i didn t fully understand what she wa trying to do i d just push her off and after a few time she stopped otherwise that s it i don t know why this happens i don t know if this mean anything or i m just really weird,Depression +38744,starting next month april 0 i ve landed a job at somewhere i have no experience in because all i know is kitchen work it s a filing job and it s very social and communication based something i clearly have anxiety with i will be speaking to people face to face and on the phone daily and i get so anxious thinking about it if anyone ha any advice please help me out i want this job because i hate working in kitchen thank you,Depression +38745,i tried to end my misery last week but my boyfriend intervened since then he told me he is emotionally checked out but yet we are still together i m so confused he won t touch me or kiss me he rarely smile at me or converse with me when he get home from work i feel so alone i literally have no one to all to about how i feel or what i am going through besides my dog,Depression +38746,so i wa just working a completely normal day in fact i felt pretty good i work at a goodwill so it s relatively social but i can handle it cause honestly every person that enters that store is fantastically polite and friendly but for some reason half way through my shift i begin getting light head i assumed it wa my tight hat or my new prescription glass so i took those off and got back to work and for a little bit actually helped but it got worse and worse my hand were shaky and i wa super light headed bless my coworkers cause i mentioned i wasn t feeling great and my manager let me have a break despite not requiring one due to shirt shift one of my coworkers actually spent a dollar to get me a snack and i wa improving i didn t wan na leave these lovely people short staffed a i wa the only product handler closing so i tried getting back on the floor and instantly i wa back in it and again bless my manager cause she suggested it wa fine and i could go home i got in my car and instantly my face felt numb by the time i wa home a relatively short drive my chest wa super numb too im i ve only ever had this feeling once before and i wa wondering if this is what a standard panic attack feel like how do i bring this up with my dad in order to get this figured out sorry if this wa long it actually helped a good bit in getting me relaxed just writing this,Depression +38747,the negative emotion and thought neat study is recruiting adult age in canada and the u to participate in an online survey examining how people experience and manage negative thought and feeling including suicidal thought and emotion dysregulation eligible participant will be able to enter a gift card draw to complete the online survey see if you re eligible please click here http uwo eu qualtrics com jfe form sv lrjdolhgxajdcg http uwo eu qualtrics com jfe form sv lrjdolhgxajdcg thanks so much for giving u a chance to share our research study feel free to contact u if you have any question or concern,Depression +38748,this is the second time i ve felt this weird sensation it s like in the back left part of my head literally feel like someone s taking their thumb and pushing in my head for like 0 second it feel like pressure slightly building up then vanishes anyone else i ve had brain sinus ct blood work ekg all clean scan,Depression +38749,i ve never hated anything this much in my entire life i m stressed out i m so stressed out i m constantly stressed out i m tired of cry every day over school i m tired of being left out by people i thought were my friend everything is so difficult and i want to die i genuinely want to die this is too much it s too much and i m only in freshman year i m only life is only going to get harder from here on and if i m already like this i don t even want to see what s in store for me life suck school suck i want to shove a knife into my head,Depression +38750,i m currently an art student at university and i m trying to pas the year but my anxiety coupled with my low self worth ha made it dangerously difficult to complete any kind of task or face up to any kind of challenge it s already taking what i have to take care of myself everyday and to give myself break whenever thing get tough but my work demand a lot and i want to get through it but whenever i look at what i have to do the thing i need to do i shut down i can t imagine myself ever completing these task or accomplishing thing and this is my last chance at university or i have to drop out i don t think i could take that kind of failure i want to be able to sit down and work hard face the challenge and either fail and try again or triumph and move onto the next so much of me is tied to the confidence i have in a task on a good day i ll create something i never thought i d do on my own but those day are rare i ve tried therapy but i can t afford it anymore and free healthcare here mean waiting month for a chance at a session ha anyone felt something similar to this or know what could help so far just typing this out ha helped a bit,Depression +38751,i made some really careless mistake at work today i ve been making similar mistake recently i messed up some stuff today and i m going down this slope like i m not good at my job and everybody is going to find out how bad i am and i m gon na get fired and won t be able to pay my bill and lose everything i have i don t know how to stop the negative thought,Depression +38752,what can i do to help me with chest pain and uncomfortable chest please im desesperate,Depression +38753,i feel like sometimes i can t tell if it s anxiety or really a gut instinct,Depression +38754,i rlly hope someone understands this but i return to school next week and i just had a meeting with my dean and mother and we got onto the subject of grade and he told me and my mum my grade were shocking and that i slack off and when i heard this i literally wanted to cry sure i struggle with math alot and it not my strongest subject but all the other subject i work hard i pull all nighters to get work in on time i ask question in class i get people to read over my work and give me pointer and i have gotten ok grade in most of my subject i never ditch any class and i always listen but my dean wa painting it out to my mum like im some delinquent who is always skipping class and slack off and it really hurt me because i do feel like i really do try my hardest in school idk it really making me start to feel that everyone is out to get me,Depression +38755,tw child loss long story short my infant son passed last year and my fil is a pastor we were invited to a spaghetti supper tonight and of course had to go going to these event is anxiety inducing for my husband and i but usually if we lay low we can tolerate it there s this lady who ha to hug u and she just come up with this huge grin and loud voice and hug u doesn t ask or anything just hug and kiss u on the cheek like lady it s covid season and please don t just touch me when we left i just broke down sobbing i can t do it that s just too much and sends me into a panic i m gon na have my pastor fil have a conversation with this woman that it s incredibly inappropriate and unwanted for her to just be hugging u like that,Depression +38756,so i ve had anxiety almost my entire life and it really impact my day to day functionality i recently got dumbed by someone i thought wa my soulmate there reason is because of my anxiety they though i wa manipulating them and lying to them it made me defensive and defend position i didn t believe but i keep having a panic attack over both losing them and never finding someone again so to my question i have time where i m hyper focused on one thing and that one thing will make me anxious every day for a month or more right now it s the breakup previously it s been about dying or about issue regarding sex ha anyone had this where everyday they have this anxiety and nothing can stop the constant thought about one subject it feel like i can think of nothing else,Depression +38757,my friend recently gave me this very beautiful stained glass flower and i really like it but my brain just can t accept that it is a nice gift my brain keep thinking oh it wa actually meant for someone else she had a crush at the time she said she brought it but he turned out to be an asshole or it wa just some trashy item she brought at a cheap market or any number of these thing i know it s stupid to think these thing and i have no reason to think them i think i am just scared to put my emotion into this gift in case it turn out to be fake logically i know i should just believe her and even if it is just some rubbish from a pawn shop the fact that she s given it to me a a gift is what matter even if is the worst case scenario i wouldn t actually be that hurt and i would still like the gift i guess it s just the fear of being fooled or taken advantage of that is scaring me i don t want to really treasure this gift and then get the rug pulled from under me how do i go about actually appreciating this gift,Depression +38758,so i m have had depression since i wa snd i suffered from anxiety since 0 my anxiety wa not that bad overall i might have a bad day here or there but i never really had it for week or month like i have it now i know i get it really bad the longer i m in my head the next part is the backstory and i would like your guy opinion on what to do so there this girl in college that i absolutely adore we have the same major and we graduate in may i ve known her for about year and i told her how i felt and asked her out in december i didn t know she just gotten out of a relationship so she said she wasn t ready for one and she needed some time to get in the right mindset she told our mutual friend about and told her that s the only reason she didn t say yes the next part i completely screwed up i never told her that i wa waiting for her i wanted to but would chicken out i wa planning on texting her every couple of day but personal stuff came up and i thought some of it would be to heavy of a subject matter to talk with her about like my grandmother being on death s door so i didn t really sayuch during our winter break also this is when i really started to get in my head i would just imagine all these different scenario and date with her and it just made me anxious and i didn t know how to stop them then by the time i worked up the courage to figure through my anxiety to tell her some different stuff like i m willing to wait for her that i appreciated a certain day and how she made special to me and how i feel like a very closed person and i wanted to open up with her she got in a relationship and i don t blame her i blame myself because looking at it from her point of view it seems like i wa not interested in her anymore also just want to insert that she know i care for her when she had covid i checked up on her everyday since then i been having what i think are panic attack i will have the shortness of breath and my hand will start shaking uncontrollably and recently i will also have some chest pain with it before she got the relationship i started going to counseling to try to improve my mental health to let you know how i feel about this person she make me feel like no else ha ever done before my feeling gor her are so intense and i ve tried to move on but the feeling get stronger she belief in me more than i so myself plus my heart think she might be the one which i know is crazy she s the most important person in the world to me and i don t want to lose her after graduating here lately i feel like i been acting strange around and it s because of this anxiety so my question is do i tell her what i m going through i feel like this will help with my anxiety and give her some insight to why i ve been acting the way i been how much do i tell her i feel if i don t tell her my anxiety will keep on getting worse and i probably won t be able to actually have a conversation with her the rest of the school year and we might drift apart after graduation i would still like to be friend with her after graduation thank you for reading this also i don t know if this is the right community for this but i would really value your opinion,Depression +38759,hey guy just kind of a nervous rant here so sorry if it s long i work at a job where it s an open and fun environment with about other people about a month ago i had a yearly review with my bos who actually ended giving me a small promotion i wa super excited and feeling optimistic my team had been performing well and our bos like to reward u with small thing if we hit our number beer on a friday buy pizza for u for a lunch day etc in the heat of the dopamine rush i wa having from the promotion i had the spontaneous idea of doing a roast for our bos in the office after work on a friday we re all fairly close a far a co worker go with each other so at the time i didn t think this seemed like a bad idea he thought it wa a good idea and said that would be fine he agreed to get food beer for it i thought awesome so i announced it at one of our weekly meeting people seemed meh about the idea but it wa on the calendar this thing is getting close and i have so much anxiety about how embarrassing and awkward this is going to be not to mention my bos usually doesn t come into work on friday but agreed to specifically for this event i know of only other guy that have a few joke written but have no clue of anyone else is even willing to participate i wasn t thinking at the time that the majority of people hate public speaking don t want to attempt comedy in front of their co worker and be taking shot at their bos on a friday after work we have fun at work but i m getting the sense that no one is really into this i think it ll end up being me up there speaking for about minute maybe getting an uncomfortable laugh or two and then having this be a gigantic failure going to be really hard to show my face at work if this doesn t pan out if you made it this far thanks for reading just had to vent and get this out there,Depression +38760,i wa prescribed 0mg paxil and am on my second day first day felt like nothing but the second my jaw began clenching and shaking headache and the topic of this post a weird feeling in my penis the best way i can describe it is the equivalent of going on a rollercoaster or something like that and your dick feel like it s trying to crawl back up inside of yourself that feeling but constant and le intense i can t find anyone with a similar experience despite my searching which is why i m posting here i still get off fine but the health anxiety still remains curious to know what that may be indicative of also the username wa meant a a joke never thought it d become reality lmao,Depression +38761,hi all i m f i ve had very bad anxiety disorder since 0 0 when my uncle passed away the following year i started taking medication and while it help it s not a cure all both my parent passed under different circumstance in october and it s wrecked my emotion i try to do the best i can but sometimes it s just a mess i m out of town right now and i feel so outside of my comfort zone i know i m safe but my stomach is in knot and sorry tmi i haven t left the bathroom much doe anyone have any advice is there anything i can do to calm myself or center myself thank you in advance,Depression +38762,i have a constant fear of potential health problem and not being loved and ruining my relationship when i m with him i m constantly thinking of thing that can go wrong and way i could screw up and illness that we could suddenly have i am exhausted of living but he make me energetic about life i hope i don t screw thing up with him he s great and my happy place i m anxious and i overthink just about everything coming out his mouth even when it is kind trying to take it day by day just wanted to rant,Depression +38763,i have serious insomnia and messed up hour and anxiety i ve been given hydroxyzine in 0mg and mg for sleep and only x 0 mg xanax per month for anxiety a lot of the reason i can t just sleep is anxiety 0mg of hydroxyzine doesn t seem to work on me anymore mg knocked me out but i woke up extremely groggy with a fast heart rate and these effect lasted the rest of the day it feel horrible i could take the xanax but i m limited to tab a month it s fine for me anxiety wise i just feel chill with it but i ve heard valium might be better for sleep faster effect and last longer too i m wondering whether i should ask my psychiatrist to let me try valium instead but i have a feeling she will limit me to tab a month a well exceedingly strict rule for benzos here ha anyone tried both valium and xanax what wa the difference for you should i even give the hydroxyzine another try if so in what dosage,Depression +38764,so ive had a few small victory here and there which have made me noticed how we all make stuff 0x worse than how it actually is idk if it gon na be a long post but hopefully not so my main struggle is health anxiety it shocking how much it changed me ive always lived with it but it became a thing a bit before the pandemic obviously the pandemic made it 0x worse anyways i wa not working barely working out and barely had a social life isolation so i knew i had to do something i enrolled into a master degree in europe i live in mexico so it a big move anyways coming wasnt that hard actually the first few week it wa easy i walked around my new city went out etc my health anxiety wa still there but diminished so now i start class and ive always been a shy person i dont come across a shy somehow but i am and i wa having a hard time feeling like i had friend one thing about my anxiety is that im super functional i may be dying in my head but im still at school and whatever but the thing is i dont have social anxiety i love meeting new people but because i wa in my head dying or thinking that i wa having a stroke or something the nerve were translating to me talking to people i felt odd weird and that everybody noticed im sure there were time were they did but here come the good part a friend frome home came to the same course a me but she came in a few month late so about a month ago when she got here and went to a few class she asked me how are you friend with everybody i wa like huh i feel like im forcing myself on these people and only talk back if they talk to me i dont feel like i have friend ofc i didnt say that but i told her oh yeah whatever lol second victory wa today we have a class where a teacher talk all the time and barely let u talk she had u gather in team for a debate and when it came to me she stopped the class and said you meaning me im gon na pick who you go with cause youre a chit chatter and talk to everybody so they all want you in their team thinking i would have no problem debating since i dont have an issue talking in public at least in my class i wa shocked i still felt like a weirdo sure i did crack a few joke here and there but didnt really feel like people would noticed if i didnt show up but idk it made me realize how even when my mind is crumbling and im on edge people dont notice a much a i think if i told you all the stuff im thinking while im talking to people yall would laugh is this headache a stroke or maybe covid is this twitch a clot am i gon na faint now is this pain from overdosing on pain killer last week and my kidney is about to fail that is just an example of what my mind is thinking while im trying to have a conversation with people this is kind of a wake up call because it all in ur head ive been worried about stroke and disease obsesivelly for year and literally knock on wood everytime everything come back clear and the only think that worrying ha brought me is not enjoying where im at of course it easier said than done but omg im gon na try to remember this everytime,Depression +38765,i have always had anxiety but trt to deal with it on my own but it s getting worse is joint tendon and muscle pain a sign everything else check out fine thanks,Depression +38766,after a year of not getting the vaccine i have to get it because i m going to another city for a panoramic xray i have severe anxiety to the point that my heart is always racing and i can hear the loud beat and it interferes with my health exam one time the doctor got mad at me because she s not satisfied with my bp knowing that i wa anxious the entire time so she ordered me to drink xanor alprazolam before the vaccine however xanor is not available in my place even in the city the vaccine incharge won t jab nervous people i feel so helpless i need to get the xray asap because i m always in pain over my wisdom tooth,Depression +38767,hi everyone got prescribed citalopram celexa for anxiety yesterday and took my first 0mg last night i woke up a lot earlier than usual today and couldn t go back to sleep a easy i m reading about the side effect and noticed that one can be insomnia i don t know if it s the citalopram or my anxiety kicking in from reading all these side effect but i m feeling more on edge than i did the past few day at this point i m unsure about continuing a i haven t had a serious panic attack in a while and i wanted medication for low mild anxiety i do know that citalopram can eventually provide great result but i m also worried about the withdrawal symptom of coming off of it can anyone else share their first day story so i m not worrying my head off is pill enough to trigger these side effect thank you,Depression +38768,i ve had a lot of anxiety about taking antidepressant but i finally did it after having a couple really really bad week recently first day is going okay i m a little nauseous and have dry mouth just proud of myself for making a necessary change and hopefully this is the right prescription for me,Depression +38769,anyone ever had a delayed response to an anxiety inducing event like even when you were having anxiety during the event i had something super duper stressful happen on sunday and last night i wa horribly nauseous all night long and my fianc think it wa a delayed response to what happened on sunday any insight,Depression +38770,although my colleague and bos have been really supportive and nice to me my mind tell me they secretly hate me or just won t express something they don t like of me in the fear that i m new i m socially awkward and many other thing about the job and conversation of the day echo loud in my head in repeat and i just can t think of anything else i scroll through the gram for distraction or read through my astrology happening for the day i don t know how to relax or quiet my mind so many thing bothering me at once,Depression +38771,yeah so i got an job interview tomorrow and im pretty anxious about it ha anyone got some advice on how to prepare for it it should be good tho it just that im not sure if i will like it and im afraid to have no small talk topic with the employer yk that it gon na be awkward and shit,Depression +38772,i barely function and can t do basic thing due to how bad my anxiety is can get i berate and criticize myself for being such a pathetic worthless piece of shit i m almost live with my parent and have accomplished nothing i never passed the high school ged i have some minor learning difficulty but too embarrassed to get help i suffer from depression but i don t feel comfortable seeing a therapist and where i live there are few health care resource i don t own a driver license because being in and near car cause me to have panic attack i m terrified of being in a car accident or causing one so i have to avoid it and there isn t public transport near me but even if there wa i can t handle being around a crowd or in a small group in a limited space i m just a fucking wreck and feel so awkward and abnormal compared to most of the world i have no friend irl only a few online friend and haven t been completely honest with them and sometimes lie so they don t see how fucking pathetic i am i m ashamed of my existence and wish i wa never born i m just a burden the people around me don t understand and get frustrated with me i don t want to be this way but whenever i go out an inch from my comfort zone i have an anxiety attack,Depression +38773,hi with my anxiety the grocery store ha been a tough place for me i ve managed by going at off peak time so there aren t a many people around dressing in layer in case i get too hot and wearing headphone or ear plug to block out noise my last issue is the fluorescent light they bother me a lot any tip besides wearing sunglass indoors when the sun isn t out and having people stare at me lol,Depression +38774,i m not sure where to even post this but i m hoping someone who read this can relate for the past month everything feel wrong or off but there is objectively nothing wrong i started a new long awaited and anticipated job and quit my horribly toxic previous work place this wa the moment i had fantasized about for the last few year but ever since then i can t seem to feel ok everything feel chaotic and out of place but nothing else ha changed i am on a good routine but i still feel out of control again absolutely nothing is out of control in fact looking from the outside in my family is in one of the best stage of life we have been in why can t i seem to feel at home or grounded i feel a constant longing for something but i have no clue what it is i can t come up with a solution to this feeling because when i think about it logically i can t find anything to fix i just can t feel ok,Depression +38775,i m almost and ever since i graduated i have been lost i didn t even look at college university my parent enrolled me in admin and i got the cert two then dropped out two time cert and then a spent a year and a half at makeup school which i regret because i still can t find a job out of it i do want to start my own freelance business but it hasn t happened yet lol then at i actually pursued a hairdresser apprenticeship which i ve wanted to do for a while i ignored all those telling me it s a sht job no money what ended up happening wa working at two different salon and causing nothing but chaos to their business the first salon got rid of me after three month after repeatedly getting people wet and failing to follow instruction the way she let me off made me cry on the way home like it break my heart whenever i have to remove someone passionate about hair but today will be your last day the thing is i lied that i wa passionate about hair when really i really am not then i found a job at a salon closer to home everyone there wa a lot older than me and i found it hard to talk to them but they were understanding and very kind they wanted me to quit my waitress job to focus on my career this salon wa a lot smaller and easier than the other one whole place made up of just four chair i worked there for four month caused abit of chaos bleach dye got on customer at some point failing to follow instruction when super busy fast paced on one tragic friday they sat me down and told me some sad serious thing they said they were dissapointed for one there were a few complaint from customer i wa still getting water in someone s eye and forehead too harsh with the wash brushing that same customer ear then they told me someone had been secretly asking for someone else to wash their hair and apparently i haven t been paying attention or focusing or using my common sense and that i need to speak up that night i started to get paranoid that i wa add or had a learning disability im pretty sure i do all over again or even a lack of common sense to my mum the answer is always you don t help out at home so that s why you can t do anything at work start from home first despite all that my boss still gave me a chance and told me they still agreed to let me stat my cert in hairdressing even though i m five week behind and told me to practise washing hair instead of root colour i wa holding back tear the entire meeting right after leaving i had another mental breakdown on the way home my parent were going to leave for a birthday but then cancelled and were concerned i made an instant decision that it wasn t for me and ended up quitting over text then not going to work the next day or going to first day of tafe class the apprenticeship is supposed to be year five day in a salon and once a week in tafe a few day later they called me to come pick up my pay because they decided to under pay me and in cash until i officially started my apprenticeship they were softer this time and asked if it wa any issue with the staff or even them and i denied it all the guy told me he thought i would have come back after the talk and pulled through you know like improve fought they made me feel guilty and want to ask for a second chance to still work for them and pursue the apprenticeship my mum reminded me that i know myself if i stayed they would end up sacking me anyways my mum think it s better to quit before getting fired and getting a bad reputation it s not good for me or their business it s kind of embarassing so yeah there s my experience on trying to become a hairdresser unfortunately for me i do have a case of social anxiety and it s hard for me to speak up i also get a bit grossed out about touching an old guy hair since my first hair salon job i have cringed watching my bos fake laughing to customer how fake you have to be a well ughhh it s not for me is it now i m thinking about going back to studying admin to get an office job while waitressing on the side or i wouldn t mind being a waitress for the rest of my life just some more irrelevant rambling you don t have to read the last thing i want is to end up a factory worker like my dad which everyone in my family seems to look down on my younger bro went to uni right after high school and work towards becoming an it or something i have always been the dumb rebel sibling lol simpson s bart and lisa balance right there it s fine i ll just be the dumb pretty one like the haley character out of modern family except i m not a party girl or ever been in a relationship might a well get a boyfriend for once anytime soon each year that s passed since finishing school in 0 ha consisted of cry in my room over being a failure the first year i started to have withdrawal symptom from being let off antidepressant on the bright side unlike the other sad year i actually have a job before that it wa so hard to even land an interview i have two hospitality related job,Depression +38776,i had an alternative account where i post in subreddits related to video game i like asking for strategy i guess i did that too often without noticing anyway i got an anonymous reddit care resource message and i already got the feeling i wa targeted by troll or hater i have another alternative reddit account where i post in a controversial sub and i get reddit care resource message basically every other week lol i should have deactivated my account but i didn t anyway a while later someone sent me a message on reddit calling me a c t who should f off a i spam the sub in a brainless manner and ask about everything about the game so i m a loser who is too annoying without the asterisk i couldn t see who sent me that message a that person immediately deleted his or her account anyway this made me uncomfortable that person used really strong language and i don t think calling me a c t wa justified i guess i should be smart enough to deactivate my reddit account a soon a a i got a reddit care message ironically i never got such a message even though i posted in mental health sub numerous time with a lot of alternative account or just turn off private message didn t see the need to do so a i never thought i would get such a message by posting on such a sub it s not like i wa posting anything controversial did i do the right thing deactivating that alternative account i don t think there wa a way i could win that argument so i guess the best thing to do wa just to vanish from the sub another thing is i m worried that the hater or hater will find this thread and know it s me or maybe people from that sub will notice how i m gone and will find this thread or maybe the developer can guess who i am a in which gaming account that alternative reddit account is linked to based on the video game info i described a in which stage i got stuck in how much game money i had stocked up etc am i being paranoid,Depression +38777,been noticing i ve been doing a lot of pacing back and forth lately been trying to think of way to make extra cash and such after being let go from my job now i m starting to think what if i have adhd or is it just anxiety do you guy pace back and forth sometimes when thinking,Depression +38778,i m am worried about potentially developing schizophrenia eventually my sister 0 is suffering from this disease right now of my mom aunt also had it my parent did not have it they both passed away and year ago i know the onset of symptom typically occurs in the 0 for male i smoked weed very often almost daily when i wa in a smoking mode but i also took a few tolerance break anywhere from month the past year but recently i decided to stop i also tripped on lsd 9 time within one year but the last trip i had wa almost year ago i know lsd weed and stressful situation can trigger dormant mental illness in people but i am wondering if schizophrenia would already have been triggered and active in me given my history i didn t know i had a family history of the disease until about year ago so please don t shame me for my ignorance i also just found out there wa a link between weed and schizophrenia in the past year and thankfully i have conquered my battle with weed even though it took some time do you think my previous drug usage will come back to haunt me if someone could provide some number for what my odds look like that would be nice a far a i can tell i am not in a prodromal phase but after leaving the weed behind i am worrying myself a lot thinking about all this thanks for any input,Depression +38779,yesterday i wa in a negative thought spiral and my heart rate wa super high and i got really angry at myself and my thought and how much i don t like myself so much so that i wanted to punch a wall or throw something really hard i ve always had anxiety but it s never turned into anger before is this normal,Depression +38780,i m on a very low dose of lexapro a i m trying to taper off my anxiety isn t cured but i do feel like it help to talk me out of panic pretty easily last night at am i got a sharp pain in my head and felt very weird for a couple second i immediately went into full blown panic and woke up today very spacey like i m dissociating ha this happened to anyone how do you snap out of it i literally thought i wa having a stroke but checked my bp and o and all wa well i used to be really bad with checking my vitals but i never use them anymore i also have herniated disc in my neck so i m not sure if that wa the cause or some freak incident,Depression +38781,i m a volunteer coach at the h i went to the pst year here i ve seen a lot of thing i didn t like like how the head coach ran it and it felt very low effort and try to avoid problem and a large lack of discipline i tried for year and nothing ha changed and this off season ha been low number since march and my position group fell apart to some transfer and kid not taking the leadership of those transfer i tried but it ha stressed me out and i ve been fixated the last few month on leaving just because of how poorly ran it wa i feel guilty and anxious to spring it on the coach and team but i can t keep hurting myself especially if i have more interest and care than the player and some coach everyone that know the program ha been telling me to get out it s not a bad decision in my eye to leave i just feel crappy about doing it and super anxious after i wa done any advice on coping in these scenario i take a ssri but these scenario it doesn t matter for me i ll get worked up no matter what i really hate the guilt part because i know it s the best choice for myself in both coaching career and just mental health in general,Depression +38782,i remember back in high school senior year my anxiety wa at it absolute worst it wa difficult for me to make friend so i came home and lost myself in video game to try and forget about how difficult it wa for me to talk to people i had to attend school the next day so i needed some way to cope w the anxiety i d play video game all day and do my work last second i graduated then i took extra time off before heading to college even though i didnt attend h anymore i still had anxiety of having to talk to people when eventually going to college i had issue of self worth i continued to play my video game day in and day out it wa excessive and my family occasionally had outburst theyd say thing like what are you a baby you still like video game grow up keep playing those video game you re never going to amount to anything you re so lazy what s your problem i ve grown out of that phase and my anxiety is more manageable nowadays but looking back i d like to make a point if you know some that is incredibly lazy it may not be by choice their head can feel like a complete mess and they may feel like the only way to cope is by zoning out a much a possible just being alone in a room w my thought made my heart race like crazy and excessive sweating ensued some people just wouldnt understand until it happens to them perhaps some of you do though,Depression +38783,i went to the doctor for the first time in my life for my severe anxiety and a the title say this is what he prescribed me and also zoloft mg i m fine taking the zoloft probably need it but i just don t know how comfortable i am taking the metoprol just from what i ve read and people s experience on it and trying to get off of it my heart rate really go up in the shower and most thing i do but here lately i ve barely gotten out of bed for the past week and a half cause i m just so scared of having a heart attack i m it get so bad in the shower that i become dizzy and nauseous and usually have to lay down for a bit after one i think it all ha to do with my mental health and i just don t see the point of taking the risk of all that horrible stuff i ve heard about metoprol plus on top of it now that i know all those side effect and stuff like that they will never leave me head i just feel trapped and idk what to do trapped by my own mind and body im not sure if i m just horribly out of shape i barely move except for going to grocery store or doing the dish or laundry besides that i m on my bum on youtube or netflix ect so will just trying to move more and get past that heart attack fear be more beneficial than taking the metoprol or should i trust my doctor and take it for week until my next appointment i just don t know what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated,Depression +38784,i ve been dealing with multiple health issue currently having bad pain in my broken tooth my dentist checked it out last week and said it just need pulled and put me on antibiotic have an appointment to get it pulled this weekend but it look so infected im worrying of course about it causing death because im in pain i really feel like making another appointment to check it again but they don t seemed worried at all i just want to cuddle next to my bf or mom or dad but the anxiety always happens at night and no one want to wake up and help comfort me,Depression +38785,hi all i ve got a script for clonidine for my anxiety and i am curious if anyone here ha any experience with it good or bad thanks in advance,Depression +38786,i would know if i had a brain damage injury anyersum or my brain is bleeding in the past like month ago my ex boyfriend would punch me in the head pull my hair one time he punched me really hard i had a bump and a extreme headache for day it went away i never went to get it checked because it went away something would have happened by then right if i wa bleeding or had something going on from then on i been stressed and i have headache everyday mainly at a certain time i been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder i just need reassurance im okay right i wa playing a game on my phone all of a sudden my head started feeling really tight and weird anyways the point is is the stress causing it he used to hit my head alot the last time wa like month ago but before that too other than the concussion i felt fine would i have blacked out if it wa bad enough to do damage i never did i been fine but i started having headache reccently maybe stress im fine right plz give me reasssurace answer this i would know if i had a brain bleed how long after a accident can ur brain bleed,Depression +38787,hi everyone this all started back in college i wa doing lot of drug molly cocaine acid molly and wa doing badly at uni after my dad put the fear of god into me i started taking school a lot more seriously and drastically slowed down my drug intake not long after i started developing horrible physical anxiety at night i would get into bed feel fine but just couldn t flip the switch to fall asleep i would lay there for an hour or so and then my heart would start to race shortness of breath then all of a sudden i would have an intense chest burning sensation that would last hour i felt dead in the morning but by 9am or 0am i would get a surge in energy i wa jacked up and sweating a lot i would do well in school because my mind wa going a 00 mph but after several week of this i started feeling exhausted and would even hallucinate during the day i could only do school work at night i wa too brain dead to pay attention in class this went on for a couple of year before i went to the doctor and wa prescribed lexapro generic the first few week were really bad but then i felt amazing however i had bad sexual side affect and it changed my personality i felt dead inside after three year on this i went on to venlafaxine it gave me a stupid amount of energy sweated profusely and peed a often a before i lasted one year on this then i switched over to zoloft generic i started on 0mg but i felt brain dead and again had sexual side affect so i lowered the dose to mg the sexual side affect decreased but it still wasn t great i also still felt a little out of it so i lowered it to mg during covid lockdown i wa working from home all of the time i didn t have a bad time falling asleep on this but i didn t feel good the next day either tired brain fog easily irritable but it wa better than physical anxiety at midnight when we were told we had to go back into the office the anxiety at night came back not horrible physical anxiety but more like normal anxiety and insomnia i lasted a few month on this and just couldn t take it anymore so i started smoking weed unfortunately i have always been super sensitive to weed i would get euphoria from one or two hit this helped me sleep but i wa still tired and irritable the next day a i continued smoking i would need more and more to get that euphoric feeling to put me to sleep then thing turned south quickly i wa becoming very irritable and would lash out at family and coworkers nearly everyday i would calm down then apologize after a few week of this my dad said i needed to see my doctor i wa put on wellbutrin and had the worst day of my life i totally lost it extreme mood swing nerve pain and claustrophobia i got off that and am recovering this week from it i took benadryl sunday night and monday night to sleep last night i took nothing and had the worst physical anxiety since college i did the right thing though i turned off the tv early and did some meditation and felt good going to bed but just like in college i had radiating anxiety two hour in i slept maybe hour and woke up jacked sweating a bunch and mind racing i don t know if i need different medication or therapy or both ha anyone dealt with what i m experiencing did a certain type of medication help did you need therapy too thanks for sharing,Depression +38788,so today i had a public presentation in school which is my worst nightmare i got really sweaty shaky and at the end i felt like i wa having a seizure everyone eventually notice and the teacher finally stop the presentation and i had to sit down to not pas out on the spot i have almost fainted during presentation before however not at this level this wa hour ago and i ve felt so freaking exhausted since it happening and i m so embarrassed i am taking medication for anxiety and depression,Depression +38789,ok so last week on wednesday i had to go to hospital because i got appendicitis then the next day i wa bleeding internally so basically had surgery x i am currently still in hospital and it been about a week exactly today however i started getting very severe anxiety and have reached out to my nurse and everything to take med but they domt seem work i even tried mindfulness youtube breathing yet nothing seems to be working for me my thought pattern is like your not gon na get outta the hospital alive your gon na die shit like that with my thought racing and it been going like this all day and i can t seem to stop it just my thought taking control of me and i feel like shit because of this anxiety like i never had this bad anxiety before also im still stuck in this hospital until im released maybe this week can someone please let me know how to deal with this i feel like i cant take it anymore and it getting to me,Depression +38790,hello everyone new to the sub here i would like to receive your insight about my recent discovery about myself tw self h so i used to do this when i wa and it mostly because i have severe anxiety and i need a coping mechanism ive stopped and have been cleaned for year since today i had a fight with my entire family about not respecting my boundary and not coming into my room when im literally shirtless and they make fun of me for being too serious about it theyre good people and have never touched me inappropriately so i too wa puzzled about my sudden anxiety attack so i locked myself in a room sobbing to no one and i felt so much pain and i just want the rush to come but then i saw a resistance band and literally did a thousand bicep curl and u know how it burn when someone exercise the first time i couldnt feel my hand i guess the endorphin made me feel so much better i forgot about wanting to do that bad thing i feel so much better and i wanted to know if i could do a thousand bicep curl at the risk of injuring my hand to avoid doing what i used to do,Depression +38791,so my husband i are planning to get a dog in may and we ll need an esa letter for our apartment in chicago i do have anxiety and have seen a psychiatrist and therapist but not anymore due to scheduling conflict my next appointment with my pcp is in june earliest available appointment and i m not even sure she can write an esa letter what s the best way to proceed there s so many different website for obtaining a letter but i don t know who to trust any help is much appreciated,Depression +38792,getting real sick of constant wave of anxiety heart palpitation tremor intrusive thought and anxiety attack it s been three damn day since my random panic attack i get it body fight or flight wooooo now knock it the fuck off,Depression +38793,i struggle with boundary i either come across a defensive or a complete push over and people pleaser and both of these behaviour come from a place of fear and anxiety i always have self doubt and in conflict with others i straight away believe i have done something wrong and it s not until later i realise i haven t i feel my anxiety wa life long but worsened by an abusive relationship in which i lost any sense of self or autonomy how have you worked through your anxiety to come to a place of self compassion self esteem and healthy boundary i feel unable to find the balance thanks so much in advance,Depression +38794,i recently got caught at my school with a very small amount of weed my dad ha a number of reason to be worried about this he work in an environment where addict are he ha went to rehab for alcohol in last year ha had sister die of overdose etc he ha not gone to work for day in a row now and he tell me it s because of anxiety whenever i ask him what s on his mind he just say idk and that i can t do anything to help him now mind you i haven t spoken a single word to him about the incident stated at the start even though he is well informed of it every morning around the same time i hear him vomiting i don t have much experience with alcohol so i can t judge too quickly here and i understand i m probably not leaving enough info for anyone else to fully decide too whether this could be anxiety or something else just what should i do in a situation like this ha anyone had any experience with vomiting around the same time due to anxiety,Depression +38795,preface im f and currently in community college so i have gad undiagnosed but pretty obvious and i feel like im inexperienced in working and doing thing on my own in real life and most of it stem from social anxiety i heard alot of people from tiktok who say that their social anxiety got better once they started working retail or fast food because they were forced to talk to other people on a regular basis so my question is did getting a part time job help with your social anxiety,Depression +38796,long story short someone made fun of someone s stutter in front of me cause they weren t aware i have a stutter it s mostly related to anxiety after that i kept asking myself how do i know who i can trust and in that time i told myself i felt crazy for thinking this way i told myself everybody can be made fun of for different aspect of their life and most people won t even bat an eye i wa going about my day until someone on my post said they thought this way and it led them to be paranoid and go psychotic this is my biggest fear and after reading that i almost had a panic attack and it took me 0 0 minute to calm down ever since then i can t shake this thought i realized tho the reason i think everyone care i stutter is because i m looking through my perspective not theirs i realized i wa treating my stutter a my identity and not an aspect of me if someone make a lighthearted joke about it depending on how they say it it could just be a joke and not devaluing me a a person realizing this actually make me feel like a huge weight ha been lifted off of myself but it freak me out cause i also heard before people lose touch with reality they feel great but now that i found a way out of this thought that ocd ha attached itself to it s still going over scenario that never even happened or will happen going over certain people and i m asking myself would they make fun of your stutter in this scenario i m afraid it s because i m paranoid but i think it s cause ocd is trying to keep a grip on this fear it s le of a fear people are making fun of me now and more of a fear of believing they re making fun of me doe this mean i m going crazy since the original thought didn t start a an ocd obsession,Depression +38797,usually every day is a battle but today especially it feel like i m going to explode i know i will get through it but i know it ll also be painful i m already tired and just woke up ugh,Depression +38798,hey recently i realised that i ve been having one problem for a couple of year but i wasn t able to identify and name it until now so basically when i talk to someone directly i have no problem in holding eye contact it just feel natural no anxiety at all no matter if it s someone i know or some stranger however i m facing lot of situation when i feel unable to look around like in library where i literally feel some kind of mental block to look at someone sitting beside me or someone passing by sometimes i experience that also in public transport or at the gym i usually try to combat that feeling by looking there anyway but it just feel even more uncomfortable and i feel that this discomfort make me look like some sort of creep how do you even approach such problem,Depression +38799,for context i m an english teacher at a small private english school the school is so small i m the only teacher no sub i got my period last night and a always the first day is the worst cramp headache nausea needing the loo every minute and i feel so freaking cold today no matter what i do i just can t seem to get warm so i cancelled my two afternoon lesson and asked the receptionist to deal with a meeting with a potential client herself i mean that s pretty much her job anyway but i feel so guilty for cancelling the class the nausea got worse a soon a i sent the text to my bos i feel bad that i have to cancel two class in one day especially since i had a week holiday the week before last maybe the student are losing too much lesson time this year my class today were from to 0 and then to but i don t go home in the gap between meaning i d have to sit at my desk with nothing comfy or warm for hour all while feeling really crappy idk just looking for someone to tell me it ok to take a sick day if i need it and tell the anxiety voice to shut the heck up edit thank you so much to everyone who commented and got me through the day i went to bed feeling better emotionally and physically than when i got up today is a new day,Depression +38800,i m so scared of being rejected i never talk to them because i m so scared my heart start racing and i don t know what to do about it,Depression +38801,everytime i think of any sort of injury or blood i feel so faint and almost puke how can i stop this feeling and calm myself down doe anyone else get this no graphic story please,Depression +38802,we are doing free personalised moon reading comment me if you re interested,Depression +38803,my gf had a tough period when she wa a teenager family loss and doctor put her on abilify to treat her today after year she is thinking about stopping it she really want to but every doctor she see are really not helping her in the right direction two of them told her to reduce slightly to avoid eye side effect but no more otherwise she feel ok she even stopped for almost a month whitout seeing any difference what s your experience about this thanks for help,Depression +38804,i just need help man im quite a confident intelligent guy id say good looking and everything but the past year my anxiety is eating me alive might think what i say is weird but good luck i can do stuff but everything i do my body responds with anxiety i feel confident then my body stop me from being happy it like i need to be stressed all the time especially when im not alone anxiety make me tense up sweat panic oily face i feel dirty even thought i keep a real good hygiene just like that from just simply waiting in line at the store or just waiting in front of someone doing something during car ride i just instantly become awkward a duck i talk and everything cool but my body just feel tense a duck and it drain all my energy my face becomes oily because im stressing about my face becoming oily and im gon na panic and look sweaty i look and feel really uncomfortable just from being in front of someone for a minute on the sidewalk i feel like everyone looking at me how annoying i am and disgusting and i think i stand out from a normal person it just horrible people said im overthinking it and others dont really notice anything but i think they do idk im so lost,Depression +38805,weird feeling hi all i m on my th day is buspirone and i m doing really well though when i go to bed it s tough to sleep with this medicine when i fall asleep i m okay but trying too it make me feel like i jolt internally or like when you go over a hill or a rollercoaster and your belly drop and it doe it a lot until i fall asleep i don t know how else to explain it and my doctor this morning didn t seem to concerned i hope it stop soon wondering if anyone can relate,Depression +38806,i wa on 0 mg of hydroxyzine and i felt like it just wasn t doing anything so my doctor switched me today,Depression +38807,i ve never been one to feel anxious or thought of having anxiety even during difficult time however this past week i ve been struggling so much and realized i m suffering from anxiety long story short i met someone about month ago i knew in the first date just that gut feeling she s the one it wa great perfect everything i wanted but not long after she unfortunately suffered great trauma with the loss of her best friend her sister in the beginning it wa manageable and i think it it wa mainly due to her denial she lost her sister eventually the grief settled in and now the true challenge arose for her anxiety yr prior she lost her cousin and still had not gotten over it now after losing loved one she had the fear of losing me created turmoil between u jealousy trust issue it created anger in me i felt like a monster she wanted me to be understanding and working with her where i wa foolish and expected her to get rid of it that is my biggest regret thing got worse for u add the fact covid put a huge mental strain on u i also lost a family member during that time that wa dear to me and the stress of still trying to accept a different work culture a i changed from being out and about in the field 0hrs a week to stuck at a desk working from home this created a ton of anger and frustration in me this wa also part of our downfall a few month back i stepped away from our relationship her fear of losing me and constantly keeping me on her mind prevented her from working on herself i knew she would not heal and work on herself so long a i wa around i felt that wa the best decision i lied to her i told her i didn t love her anymore i wa trying to protect her my second biggest regret two week ago i reached out to her after working hard on my personal self to remove my anger do better for myself with my eating better working out but i also made plan a plan to ensure everything that went wrong would never happen again i knew she wa still my soul mate i knew she wa still the love of my life i knew she wa still my bae we had coffee chatted i told her i wanted her back in my life and had a plan and would do whatever it took to get her back she told me we would get back together but she needed time she wa in conflict and fear of losing me again fear of her anxiety being an issue for u again and her just being her old self i respected that and told her i would do anything for her i told her i d wait week later after a week of confusion emotion uncertainty her feeling changed she knew she loved me still and care deeply but that fear of what happened in the past and her uncertainty in her own well being made her change her mind and she had guilt telling me we would when she is uncertain we could ever get back together i suffer of fear of losing her i suffer of regret of everything i wish i did differently i fear she may hurt even more if we don t try and she end up having regret i know we weren t working a a team i know we needed to collaborate more but i know i gave her so many change a she kept begging me please give me one more chance i just now have to live with fear regret and wish she would just give me chance we promised to stay in touch very limited maybe call a week she still care for me and still want me in her life but she need to focus on her i will wait for her she know it even though i know i ll continue to suffer with that fear and regret but right now she is hurting right now she is in pain so right now the best thing for me to do no matter how hard it is is to be the best support person for her it s what she need and i ll do anything for her,Depression +38808,the worst part of anxiety and panic attack for me is the sense of impending doom it s the worst feeling in the world it s like your body trying to make you feel bad about your hypothetical death i can t sleep because i feel like i m living through my last minute on earth even though i know it s probably not the case not gon na lie not fun,Depression +38809,backstory i ve been diagnosed with panic disorder gad since a young child spent the past year on zoloft at time a high a 00mg a day year ago i wa put on buspirone with the zoloft and it changed my life i ve been stable up until this past year my health anxiety got wayyy out of control and i ve been diagnosing myself with terminal illness all year did therapy and actually enjoyed it for the first time in my life and got off zoloft and switched to 0mg celexa combined with mg buspirone in the am and 0mg at night graduated my therapy and finally felt almost normal then i got covid felt like shit but made it through flash forward to a month later and i developed costochondritis rib cartilage muscle inflammation that i thought wa breast cancer sent me f n spiraling since then i ve had shortness of breath constantly and heart palpitation went to the dr and so far everything is fine waiting on heart holter result and everything chalked up a anxiety i ve had multiple full blown panic attack the past few week and wa at my wit end saw my psych and i went up to 0mg celexa here come my actual issue i accidentally read about serotonin syndrome and how celexa and buspirone should never be given together i brought it up to my psych and she wa not worried but it s been day now and i feel kind of off granted i ve felt off for month now and i m so scared of experiencing it and not realizing it anyone on similar combination that can ease my mind tldr worried about serotonin syndrome after reading about not mixing celexa and buspirone major health anxiety,Depression +38810,hi i hope this is the right place for this i have been suffering with anxiety for a while the last month or so have been particularly bad which is affecting my work my relationship with my family snappy extremely irritable tired no focus i reached out to my doctor last week after a particularly bad episode at a work event who ha prescribed sertraline and advised a course of cbt no one else know this and i am anxious about telling my wife which in turn is pushing my anxiety up further i wondered if anyone else ha been in the same situation how did you approach it every time i feel like it should be the time to say something i completely lose my bottle,Depression +38811,low dose naltrexone ha been shown to increase endorphin level by up to 00 so it can be extremely effective in helping people whose anxiety depression is caused by endorphin deficiency according to a study by renowned researcher norman brown and jaak panskepp since ldn can upregulate endogenous opioid activity it may also have a role in promoting stress resilience emotional well being a well a amelioration of psychiatric problem such a depression it is proposed that ldn can be used effectively a a buffer for a large variety of bodily and mental ailment through it ability to beneficially modulate both the immune system and the brain neurochemistry s that regulate positive affect full text can be found here http vdocuments net ldn for disease prevention quality of life html,Depression +38812,hello all i ve been putting off getting my wisdom teeth out for year but i finally mustered up the courage to get a consult with an oral surgeon long story short i m getting one fully erupted tooth extracted with only local anesthesia i opted for this because the idea of being put under make me more anxious than the extraction itself he said because it s erupted he should be able to get it out within five minute ha anybody who ha undergone a similar situation shed some light on whether it s a simple painless quick a the doc led me to believe,Depression +38813,and sprint a far away from myself a possible i want to slam my body into the ground and dissimilate into the million of spec of dirt i am on fire from the inside out i can not escape my anxiety and depression medicine doesn t help therapy doesn t help my default is wanting desperately to do the thing i want in life go to class amp be the student i know i can be continue the job i wa just hired on for but being absolutely paralyzed by fear no source recognizable just a constant mind numbing fear completely debilitating my every waking second the idea of being in class or anywhere away from complete solitude elicits physical response my muscle flex involuntarily my inner dialogue struggle to complete sentence no one understands this isn t my choice,Depression +38814,i m renting a room from a guy that i know from aa i heard from others that he s very odd and clean some even told me not to rent from him but the area i m in is in a housing crisis right now and i needed a place to land we ve had a lot of spat over very minor thing but he blow them up to a huge proportion one thing that i did that wa really bad wa i accidentally left my space heater on while i wa at work i realize that s dangerous and costly but i offered to pay the entire month s electricity which he refused and promised that it would never happen again recently i think he went through my drawer but i can t prove it he got really pissed off that i had a set of silverware in my room and gave me 0 day notice to leave it got pretty heated and i said that i need to contact a lawyer because the thing he s threatening to kick me out over are very minor and are basically personality thing he doesn t like i sleep in too late on my day off he ll go through the trash and confront me about thing he think i shouldn t be eating i sleep with my tv on etc we agreed on a move out date of june 0th but the heat in the house is not dying down i feel very unsafe living here just because i don t know the next thing he s going to blow up over i m also moving to a new city in june and i know that he s not going to give me a good review especially after threatening a lawyer this is a verbal agreement and i pay month to month so i know some apartment don t count that a a real tenant history lease though essentially it s like living with a friend for a couple of month i m so stressed out this is on top of me finishing my ph d and the pressure is insane i ve told my friend more thing that have gone on here and they agree that this guy is ludicrous and unwell what should i do am i truly in the wrong and i m that bad of a roommate i keep the house very clean including the room that i pay for i m serious that i think he go through my stuff,Depression +38815,i am not happy that i am still not better i have tried everything from working out meditating cutting off toxic people exercise being open and expressing myself truly i only noticed that it s getting worst and i have realized for the past few month that i am having bad side effect from my meditation and my doctor didn t even wanted to let me cut of meditation and even lower my dosage but thank goodness he lowered it cause i wa pissed he is also the one that outed me to my father and my aunt his sister then to my mom that i wa gay and he is my nd doctor btw cause my first one wa also dumb and didn t understand my problem i am so tired of this feeling you know a feeling that you don t wan na do stuff but just lay down and wan na cry also a feeling that you don t wan na do stuff or even eat this feeling ha been with me since 0 9 now and even though i tried to be better it just becomes worst and complicated i am running out of idea on becoming better atp thank you for reading this keep safe and take care,Depression +38816,i wa strongly recommended by my therapist to return to a physical hobby for my mental health and did so to great positive effect i have severe anxiety and depression and this hobby help about a much a medication or talk therapy doe and both of those work decently well for me i need all three at this point it make me do better at work all week and help prevent long slump of mental health issue if i miss a session it affect me for day currently i do this three time a week and day a week is during normal working hour i either return to work after or make up the work other day of the week i have a very flexible schedule am exempt and have been at this job for over 9 year it s after most of team i manage is offline for the day but plenty of my other colleague are still online and would theoretically want to have meeting my office ha no issue with thing like a standing actual medical appointment including therapy the problem is it look like a fun thing and it is a fun thing it s just also essential for me continuing to function a a person and an employee for reference before i started this i wa considering taking intermittent fmla instead which i ve had to do in the past and now that s unlikely any tip for talking about it a recurring appointment is how i ve framed it to people and i do reschedule if it is in conflict with something essential my new manager just asked to see the detail of my calendar my previous manager did not and now i m feeling anxious about what it s titled and how to describe it honestly i m now feeling anxious about everything i ve put on my schedule that help me work better and is within office policy allowance but is atypical like 0 minute early afternoon break that i block off a tentative because i often turn into a non functional blob for a bit around pm,Depression +38817,tw vaccine i got my booster yesterday and this is by far the worst i ve felt first dose i wa 00 fine second dose i had a super sore arm for hour but my booster is pfizer we had moderna for the first my body is just aching but we were warned of myocarditis of course a we re in our late 0 s and ofcourse my brain is fixed on i m going to get it i m so stressed every little pain i m like this is it this is gon na get me,Depression +38818,hi friend i stopped using weed and caffeine and day ago respectively and i ve seen my anxiety increase exponentially obviously i used both to kinda suppress my normal anxiety but now i m going au natural and a you can tell it s not going ideally but i m happy to have made the choice i did i have felt a weird knot sensation in the right upper side of my abdomen feel like it s right under my rib cage and occasional pain throughout my digestive system i ve been constipated for about day too i know so much info and while i m able to still go i still feel a discomfort in my side like someone took a five pound weight and just placed it on the side of me is this normal with anxiety i haven t started any antidepressant i ve been prescribed because i want to see how naturally i can do this but my mind is telling me withdrawal and to just be patient but i don t want to be too patient in case it s something that i should have a doctor check out thought,Depression +38819,anyone else experience an absurd amount of gas constantly burping discomfort in stomach and chest,Depression +38820,trigger warning racism do you know these situation where you react insecure and passive although you feel extremely uncomfortable year ago i wa out with a group of people one wa a friend of mine and a few of them were more or le acquaintance so there wa this guy who got drunk and he started making black joke i am mixed race half german and half afro american he became really offensive and insulting he said stuff like oh i m going to say it in your language and then he did those click sound which are common in african khoisan language he wa trying to act like oh i m just joking don t take me serious but he wouldn t stop i felt so uncomfortable and i wa really angry but i wa also insecure i wa giggling nervously and just wanted to change the topic but he kept making stupid joke about me in the end i paid my drink and went home but i acted like everything wa fine it s been year and i can t stop thinking about it i keep overthinking of how i should have reacted and i feel so ashamed of myself whenever i remember this situation tbh what disappointed me the most wa that nobody really said anything someone at the table just said oh just ignore him he s an idiot and they laughed a few day later someone told me that everyone felt really uncomfortable yet no one said anything i feel like it s difficult for me to let this go and it took me a almost year to realize how bad this situation actually wa maybe someone can relate or made a similar experience,Depression +38821,i have trouble falling asleep i need something to regulate my sleep cycle back in the day i took zopiclone which wa good at putting me to sleep but early awakening were somewhat annoying i would like to hear the experience of people who have taken zopiclone and other z drug amp benzodiazepine how did they compare which do you like the most,Depression +38822,like the title say i m doing bad at work i work a a claim adjuster for a big insurance company and i m really bad at it the job requires a tremendous amount of organization and i just simply do not have those skill it s my first big job out of college and i m failing it embarrassing and it s crushing my confidence i constantly worry about my job security being this anxious all the time is making me run out of steam quickly i find it hard to even force myself to look for another job bc of the little free time i get and how tired i am at the end of the day i feel like a burden to my parent and girlfriend because i constantly vent break down to them i did start seeing a therapist recently and he s helped but it feel like it build up a lot until i get to talk it out with him what trigged me to write this today is i made another fuck up at work and had to tell my bos she s extremely nice but had to be honest with me that my performance could result in corrective action i know that doesn t mean termination exactly but that is definitely on the table i have so many case and i just know there s at least a couple more fuck ups in there that i haven t found yet i feel like it s inevitable that i get let go and i m just not prepared to deal with the embarrassment of it it s eating at me,Depression +38823,pls answerrr,Depression +38824,i have severe cardiophobia due to two traumatic week of my life i suffer from hyperthyroidism which cause intense palpitation and very high rhr the first bout happened back in 0 and my rhr wa in the 0 0 got put on an anti thyroid med a beta blocker metoprolol er mg and potassium helped out tremendously and i ll be honest wa never anxious until this second round in july august of 0 9 i made the stupid as mistake of stopping all of my medication because i wa feeling good again well wouldn t ya know it come february 0 0 my thyroid went hyperactive again and the difference is this time i have crippling anxiety a well a crippling cardiophobia it got to the point that i went to my cardiologist had a panic attack and during the ekg my pulse wa 0 so now i m on metoprolol er mg x a day and my thyroid ha improved at least since the last time my level got checked so now i m on mg of methimazole instead of the mg i wa on the first round of treatment fast forward to now and all i have to say is the last couple day a well a today ha been quite the day so far i m currently at my girlfriend s house and wanted to go home since yesterday i wa too lightheaded to drive and it would ve been a horrible decision to risk it well we re getting ready to leave and a soon a i stand up the ol kicker decides to kick it into high gear and my pulse went from the 0 90 which i know is quite high but wa already a bit anxious beforehand and decided i needed to be up in the 0 0 for the fuck of it needle to say i feel the comedown of all the anxiety and man doe it suck hoping i get to be back home today so i can have the peace of mind that i won t have to leave to go anywhere for a bit p s my girlfriend and i live minute apart i would ve for sure chanced driving if we lived closer but that s a long as time in a car when you feel like you re just gon na drop at any given moment,Depression +38825,so i won t bore you with all the detail but basically my life wa going so well in 0 9 finally i wa in college had friend wa finally starting to date wa genuinely enjoying life for the first time in my life then of course a once in a century event happens that destroys everything and i had to do remote work for straight year suffered through it graduated and now i got a somewhat mediocre sale job making 0k a year my life ha never returned to the way it wa my social life wa destroyed i m a year old guy and have never been in a relationship i wa a late bloomer and wa just starting to date in college and work is such a grind i really dislike it i have goal but i don t even know where to start to top it all off ever since the pandemic i have severe insomnia and always wake up at am randomly and have to take melatonin to sleep anyone else relate to this,Depression +38826,hi everyone i fly home from calgary to vancouver on sunday it s about an hour flight i suffer from gad and am constantly fearing the worst i have minor asthma i ve never had an asthma attack but i do have a rescue inhaler and i do take a maintenance inhaler everyday to prevent anything from happening i read somewhere that there s le oxygen in flight and am worried about what would happen if i had an asthma attack would i be ok would i be able to survive that hour flight please re assure me,Depression +38827,i wa suffering from walking up in the morning in absolute terror not long after starting this that ha subsided but now when i take this when i go to bed if i don t fall asleep within 0 min i get racing thought and confusion and none of the thought make any sense a in they are not logical doe anyone else have these issue trying to figure out if it s the drug or me,Depression +38828,the last time i checked my weight wa around week ago and it wa around kg 9 lb my anxiety ha been really bad for the past few week too but today i decided to check my weight and i lost kg i think i ve been eating the same amount everyday so is it really my anxiety that caused my weight to go down or i might have disease i m not aware of,Depression +38829,hiii i hope you re having a good day or night i ve been under anxiolytic since december 0 a it is a pretty strong one i can t use this for too long so i slowly lowered the dose now i take pill per day i started at pill per day problem i m strugguling to completly stop is it normal if anxiety kinda come back when you stop a medical treatement thanks p sorry if my english is bad it s not my native language,Depression +38830,i just came back from running and i feel a bit anxious and i realized i always do after doing exercise,Depression +38831,t w stalking so the other week i had a late doc appointment and whilst i wa walking a man started following me it obvious scared the shit out of me and my heart wa racing and i felt jelly leg and i wa in tear fast forward a couple of week and i ve started getting a racing heartbeat and feeling faint etc having the feeling only when i m out by myself so i know they re panic attack but they only happen when i go out by myself even if it s from the bus stop to home i m guessing that it may be from what happened are there any tip people have for trying to battle this im seeing a therapist soon but want some extra advice whilst i wait for it,Depression +38832,my year old daughter biological father and his family are all abusive and narcissistic we are a year no contact now but she continues to have no change with constant insecurity fear anxiety depression headache confusion control it s almost like she is addicted to her anxiety need advice on what to do to help her break this cycle she is pushing all of her feeling that have been broken from abuse and inadvertently teaching her younger sister to be the same way my stamen in the matter is getting thin her anxiety make mine shoot through the roof especially when she know when she is being very unreasonable about several repeating subject and then continues being unreasonable while trying to hide that she is enjoying it,Depression +38833,hi all i m a 0 year old male with diagnosed anxiety depression and add a form of adhd minus external hyperactivity i m not entirely sure what this post is other than i d just like to share what i feel like often i think it would be interesting to hear if this is relatable to anyone else or if i can possibly provide some form of way to help others understand how they can explain what they re dealing with firstly a majority of my life is cut short due to the symptom alone of anxiety sweating profusely is by far the worst for me a it stand already i have a condition called hyper hydrosis simply meaning that i sweat far more than normal this combined with my feeling of anxiety no matter how big or small mean i m constantly sweating a i type this i m having to wipe my screen dry my under arm are dripping etc and all i m doing is sitting down anxiety come with ton of insecurity and in my experience hygiene is the biggest killer i shower everyday which is relatively normal but due to the amount i sweat i often have to rinse myself to feel clean again more often than not i ll end up needing shower within hour because of this i can t enjoy myself being around people knowing that i potentially smell due to my severe sweating this tends to mean jacket and long sleeve to prevent any possible smell being noticeable and of course in return the extra layer mean even more sweat without dragging on too much on one topic here this applies to thing like breathe skin cleanliness teeth condition etc almost everything you can be insecure about i m insecure about it add will often feel this is a best a i can personally describe it like there is some sort of ticking clock that is always close to hitting 0 even when thing are going slow or i m feeling relatively relaxed i often feel a if i m pressured by time in some sort of way this by itself is a nightmare to live with not to mention the never ending trouble that come with add but that s more subjective to me so i ll move on now having that combined with my anxiety is sometimes unbearable the most simple of task for example pulling up arriving somewhere and grabbing your bag and belonging before stepping out the vehicle it s never that simple people are waiting for me i need to hurry up my mum want to go home i got ta speed up i need to hurry up there s other driver probably being forced to stop because i m gathering my thing and so on often will end up in such a panic that i ll leave the car leaving behind a large amount of my item answering a phone call for whatever reason phone call send me into such a panic that i automatically hang up at any given moment it could even be mid sentence i always feel incredibly rude and it s the exact opposite of my intention a with my anxiety being a good person and not being judged or disliked is something so important to me phone call alone i have 000 thought going on make sure you sound interested you re gunna freeze up oh god it s going to get awkward am i speaking too much am i trying too hard with it okay just relax i can go on for a long time these are just some odd example of ton and ton of thing that i deal with and what everyone here deal with a well really i just hope this post ha given someone an idea that they re not alone with it which is a statement i find relatively comedic a nobody truly know how you actually feel and they never ever will however even in feeling alone you still aren t alone nobody is alone my heart go out to every person that deal with this can only apologise if any of this is hard to understand or isn t very clear putting thought into word is something that i think we all find probably the most difficult thing to do,Depression +38834,i had struggled with this decision for month and finally i did it today i think i had been thinking a lot about how to say it and what my bos would say and i didn t even think about how i would feel after doing it maybe bc deep down i kinda knew i wa postponing it for a long time kinda surprised myself today when i did it the thing is i m just really weirded out bc i know it s the best for me and my bos even said so that there s in fact no room for growth there but i think my discomfort come from a deep attachment to this routine i ve had for almost year even if it wasn t the best and not knowing what s gon na happen with my job life from now on bc i don t have a new one yet amp x 00b anyway don t wan na let my anxiety win and revolve around this weird feeling bc i think i should be proud of myself for taking the matter into my own hand for once and for all amp x 00b if you read this hi and ty,Depression +38835,sorry if this is the wrong place but i couldnt think where else to ask lol this is a uk based question i got prescribed med during a phone appointment the other day when they said they would send the prescription in the post i thought they might mean the medication itself and wa kind of surprised but now i think they just meant i d get sent the prescription form in an envelope bc that s what s arrived but they didn t say anything about what to do with it or where to take it i ve only ever been handed a prescription in person with instruction of which pharmacy to collect from and am kind of clueless right now ha anybody had this happen or know what to do can i just take it to any pharmacy,Depression +38836,i m nearing the end of a long project that i have worked on from the end of last november and my body is trying to shut down to prevent me from doing it i know this fatigue is psychosomatic there is no physical source for it but trying to ignore it can only take me so far if i could work at the same peak rate i did around january and feburary i would ve finished this thing already a week ago and knowing that piss me off every single day i manage to do half of what i planned to do and no matter how hard i push myself i can t do six hour worth of work in even if i sit my as down and tell myself i am not getting up before this fucking thing is finished it run me ragged at worst trying to force myself to pick up my tool and move my hand i get so tired i get out of breath from just sitting at a desk i m perfectly healthy and in my late 0 and i know this is psychosomatic but no matter what i try i can t get myself to fight my way through it without this i would ve been finished long ago how do i make this stop,Depression +38837,about a year ago i started getting anxious when i heard people yelling it doesn t happen when i m being yelled at only when it s other people arguing or sometimes even just loud talking even if it s isn t fighting it s gotten much worse to the point of me shaking and cry when i hear yelling i don t understand it i don t have much of a past with yelling a far a i know so i m not sure why this could be happening especially so suddenly there isn t much i can do to stop people from yelling because no one listens when i say it make me anxious and my only way to really block it out is loud music which i can t always have but i feel like at least knowing what could be causing this would help me feel at least a bit more normal understood if anyone know what this could be caused by or anything that could ease it even in the slightest bit maybe a form of music or something else please share it with me i d be very grateful also i don t have access to a therapist currently a mine just moved and i didn t get much time to talk to her about it,Depression +38838,i just got back from a hour cycle enjoying the sun and i got in and had lunch and i started to feel so fatigued uneasy head fogginess it the strangest feeling to explain but it so horrible ive had this feeling a few time before it like ill sit on the sofa and ill have no will to move and the thought of getting up is overwhelming it feel like my health anxiety worry over normal stuff like being fatigued if i think more rationally and consider ive been going on hour cycle ride for the past day and ive been sleeping like crap ive been doing something quite intensive and then not allowing my body to recover through dodgy sleep plus on top of bad anxiety what is already quite exhausting,Depression +38839,while hungover and puking in the shower i would often congratulate myself for being witty at a party the previous night wasn t it so funny when i yelled who care about the planet anyway while i puked into the recycling people laughed for year before my first drink i hated myself for being socially inept i hate being shy when i drink i m not shy after eight year of heavy drinking i began to accept that what i wa feeling wa social anxiety and it wa not going away after another two year i began to accept that i had developed a new problem while trying to overcome anxiety another two year i finally quit drinking on my rd day sober i admitted to myself that i hate the person i am when i drink i ve spent 0 year hating the person i am when i m sober so where doe this leave me now day 0 of my sobriety wa friendsgiving sara made bourbon sweet potato that tasted too strongly of bourbon i always preferred rye whiskey i spent a lot of that night sucking a fruit flavored vape pen the vice i took up in lieu of drinking on our way home tolemy apologized for getting too drunk but i didn t mind he remembers better than i do all the time i got too drunk,Depression +38840,my body feel weird it feel like my leg muscle are electric sometimes they feel a bit tingly or it feel like i can feel blood rushing through my leg i m scared if it s something bad or if i have a disease or diabetes im freaking out i can feel my leg pulsating and they feel a bit sore even though i don t remember doing any activity that would cause soreness i ve just been very anxious this whole week and idk what to do anymore i lowkey wa feeling fine for a couple month trying to ignore everything and this week it all came back to me i m scared i can t catch a break this week everyday i m freaking out over something,Depression +38841,reassure me i am fine my overactive mind is annoying i have been working graveyard shift at a food production plant the boss seem to really like me and have been training me on better paying position in the plant i have always been on time since i started in december today i somehow didn t hear my alarm go off woke up after my shift wa supposed to to start so i called and told them i wa having car trouble and i wouldn t make it in i guess my body wa so exhausted i just didn t wake up graveyard shift is new to me and my body still isn t used to it i ended up sleeping a total of hour a i went right back to sleep after calling in i must have been really sleep deprived totally unlike me to do and now i am just anxious about going in tomorrow there were some people missing multiple time a week and they got let go recently which is what make me anxious,Depression +38842,i absolutely hate having my picture taken right now i m going through an especially hard time my med have been changed and i m in the early stage so going through the side effect with none of the benefit and i m informed that they are doing company picture tomorrow the one day i agreed to work in the office i also have an appointment with a hand surgeon to schedule surgery on my right hand tomorrow i type for a living so i m living in dread that they can t fix my hand and will make it worse because that s what anxiety doe so what do i do i just had a complete breakdown i work from home so only my husband saw fortunately and i cancelled working in the office tomorrow i had planned it that way to be closer to the appointment but screw them i m not going to let them do this to me anxiety depression and adhd all at the same time just suck,Depression +38843,hey guy i m a very anxious person and do get anxious quite often a some of you may have a well my anxiety is often followed with sharp chest pain that will happen there and there for a couple of minute however i wa just wondering if this ever happened to anyone my right side of my chest is swollen just above the breast and it go down until the middle of my chest that s the only part where it hurt and the rest is just swollen and i have this tight feeling in my chest i have no trouble breathing but it hurt to do so anyone have this when they are anxious fyi i wa also diagnosed with costochronditis a couple of month ago,Depression +38844,hope all is well this is my first time posting but would like to first take the time to say that i have been actively reading in this sub for the better half of a year since my generalized anxiety started to take over my life a little backstory i am m 0 lb and went to texas tech throughout college i wa on a pretty strong dose of add med 0mg vyvanse which if none of you have taken add med is like the pinnacle of add med at the highest dose i literally felt like god when i wa on them i say this because i would drink a lot on them do cocaine i wa in a frat vyvanse wa amazing because you literally could never get drunk also i wa incredibly fit even though i drank so much i would work out all the time but never wanted to eat but i wa shredded i wa also super social and had this crazy fucking sex drive not lying i could stay rock hard for easy two hour and would be told to stop because the girl wa too worn out not tryna to sound cool but i am trying to paint this picture of how powerful this drug wa but after about year of that i graduated back in may and everything went downhill i started to have severe panic attack a rapid heartbeat crazy high blood pressure which sent me to the hospital finally went to the doctor and she said first that ny old doctor should lose her license forever prescribing me that high of a dose and that since i had taken the vyvanse for so long and binge drinking i have completely drained my brain of any serotonin diagnosis severe generalized anxiety disorder initially wa put on lexapro but that shit gave me really scary suicidal ideation especially coming from someone that had never once even considered that an idea i have moved to celexa mg then 0mg then 0mg finally now 0mg which is what i have been at for month and it ha been amazing i am perfectly fine i had discussed initially with my doctor that eventually i would want to get back on add med because i do have pretty bad add and wa about to enter nursing school she told me that once we get the anxiety under control then we can get add med so about month ago i wa anxiety free some minor episode of just feeling anxious but no panic attack and she had given me 0 mg xanax for emergency use which kill those few and far between episode immediately month ago i wa finally prescribed focalin mg ir x a day and wellbutrin sr 0mg x daily right when i wake up so i currently take 0mg celexa day focalin mg ir day welbutrin sr 0mg day everything is perfect except for one problem now i can not finish sexually and it is hard to keep an erection like i don t even think about sex anymore which suck because i am good looking have no issue with woman tinder bumble hinge but this is a serious issue because i am normally overly sexual sorry for the long rant but i wanted you all to have the best understanding possible of what is going on and if anyone can relate i am meeting with my doctor next week to discus but am just sad because in the past week different woman have asked me why i can t stay hard finish which hand down the most embarrassing thing because they all think it is because of them i would also like to say that i regularly work out am very fit lean build and do like to drink when i am with these woman the drinking just make it so much more fun for me so idk if the drinking ha any effect on this issue i haven t tried not drinking which i will test tonight when i see one of them thank you again for reading this far tl dr sex issue on celexa wellbutrin and focalin i do drink when i am having these issue but drinking make the sex so much more enjoyable lol,Depression +38845,edit i realize maybe i write too much you don t need to read it to answer the question in a way i needed to vent also thats what a lot of this is but i can only put one flair i have heavy anxiety social and general i think it s called not sure i avoid going anywhere a much a i can i get very anxious around new people and absolutely hate it and then i also have anxiety about my health what if i am doing something wrong etc i had medication once that i would take if i had a panic attack but i don t have any more it wa a one time prescription after a visit to emergency care depression also cloud my life my anxiety make me depressed issue about my identity make me depressed and overall it s just awful everything feel so awful and it s hard to feel happy about anything even though where i am right now i asked to be i wa seperated from my bf cause of family moving stuff and i am with him again after month of being alone at my family place for month i wa looking forward to being here but i can t even be happy about it because my anxiety mainly it is because of work i have never had a job before and i am gon na start soon at a fast food place yeah i know amazing for someone like me i hate meeting new people everyday i am scared i wont be able to learn quick enough or retain information i really don t look forward to having to interact with people i am scared to be treated like an outcast i m trans and at the interview i let the interviewer call me she which i am not but it wa like whiplash is that the right word and i couldn t say anything now i have to correct him when i call back because i wa told to call back but i am scared because it feel like correcting someone on pronoun make a big deal i don t want it to be a big deal but some people take it so personally it s not something i want brought up all the time honestly i don t want to be a push over but i also don t want to be seen a too defensive another thing i am anxious about is my trip to work i will have to take public transport and i have huge fear of something bad happening to me that i can t relax when going anywhere and i am scared of being asked to come in on many day off and i don t like to say no but i also don t want to be asked to fill any shift whenever they want i said i am willing but honestly only day extra a week i am not doing day work no break thats awful i am scared i wont be able to make the decision i want and fall to pressure sorry if it s a lot to read and maybe i get off topic sometimes my mind is a mess i just want to know how some of you cope that work in job with a lot of customer interaction and people around i feel like i wont make it like i will screw up big time or have a panic attack and i will just walk out because i can t keep my anxiety under control i want to get help but i really have no money i want to find a better job but i have no experience in anything and everything that you don t need experience for is customer oriented or requires heavy lifting and i don t have the time either having to get a job asap because my bf is paying for our accommodation right now and i need to help out so i need to do this but i feel like it s gon na take a toll on me and i don t know what to do,Depression +38846,lady do you feel like your med don t work at all during your period i swear every month around my period and while i m on it i m a absolute anxious depressed mess,Depression +38847,what should i do i am feeling down i don t know,Depression +38848,here the reason we used to stay in a nice house everything went well for several year all this time he father ha been borrowing money in mother s name now we stay in tiny home fight everyday mom in horrible health condition and he just sits and watch tv the whole fucking day no way to pay back debt he doesnt care about me or my mother at all he speaks to others like he is thier owner and they are his slave no care for anyone just smoke all day my life is ruined i have no one to talk to no real friend and about to relapse into old bad coping mechanism i dont know why i am living but once i graduate i want to take my mom and go away from him forever i live scared thinking and hoping he doesnt abuse my mother he doe but not physically only way for me and my mom to recover is his death or ours,Depression +38849,ha anyone been prescribed mirtazapine or other alpha receptor antagonist to treat their anxiety i would prefer not to use start with ssri s what wa you experience,Depression +38850,i do for your reference i m now pretty underweight and i look like a yo i know i m not pretty physically i have sunken cheek unwanted mark on my face severely crooked teeth stunted height here are some of my story early high school i visited a friend s house to finish a project her brother were there and i heard them say thought she s a chick but she s just a chicken non verbatim looking back this sound petty but when people start making these comment when you re in that age you re still building that self confidence it just break it all down into dust back in college i vividly remember how i wa walking past a group of guy i have no one walking behind me and i m pretty sure i wa alone that time then i heard them say number out loud i just froze when i realised they were rating me based on my appearance asshole i know and this happened not only once still in college i wa asked a a favor to be in an infograph because they said they liked how i look i wa really excited to see it online but when the infograph wa released they cut my face from the photo they apologised for cutting my face because it didn t suit the vibe i have more but these are most of the memory i remember that keep me up at night i also pieced it together how i think meeting new people they ll laugh at my face for being sooo ugly so i ll just avoid it for the rest of my life ending up alone with my hobby and pet my anxiety wa bad i would have panic attack i would shake vomit refuse to eat but i d also like to add that being ugly isn t the sole reason for my anxiety ofc there s more but when you already have 0 self confidence and other problem you know what happens i m in a i think better place now and in this period where random people s opinion count le than it used to getting brace soon too for my teeth and i would like to share these a a way to let it rest forever here and not in my mind may we all attain peace of mind rip,Depression +38851,i used to enjoy posting and just interacting with people but now i can t bring myself to open it up it s just awful seeing post and post of people just living while i m just existing stagnant it all feel so counterfeit,Depression +38852,he ha cheated on me in the past we are working on making thing smooth he is tryig to be open and transparent which previously he didnt do i can see the difference in him he know i m a very paranoid being and with my anxiety i do become impulsive just about thinking him being around girl i even asked him to not go but he said he is just going there for fun and not to be around girl if there wa something fishy i wouldn t have even said you about girl being there the cheating part ha left me being an over thinker and paranoid or controlling person i know i have to give some space in the relationship and try n trust him more but most of the time i act out of impulsiveness the intrusive thought of past thing he did keep running through my mind all day and when i have these flashback i feel this rage and fit of anger and i think i shouldn t be with him because of the hurt he caused i think to myself i wouldn t talk to him for sometime or so but i can t be away from him it s like i m betraying myself the person he cheated on me with is a family friend so there is a high chance i might meet this person if i go around in any of party involving my bfs family the thought if just make me go crazy i know my bf is also at fault i feel the anger towards him a well how do i handle this with maturity tl dr i wa cheated on by my bf we both are working on it we are looking at this relationship for a long term one so there isn t breaking up involved and that is not an option so we are trying to work on it but the person he cheated on me with is a family friend so there is a high chance i might meet this person if i go around in any of party involving my bfs family the thought if just make me go crazy i know my bf is also at fault i feel the anger towards him a well how do i handle this with maturity i have also become very impulsive and a paranoid person i regard to the relationship,Depression +38853,i started a new job month ago and every day since than i have had extremely bad anxiety to the point where i cry uncontrollably i have tried meditating and letting my mind know it is okay to be feeling this way and acknowledging it but the more i do this the more i cry the job itself yes it is stressful but when i am with a customer the anxiety go away the thought of just having to go into work make my anxiety go crazy and my mind immediately start to trigger the fight or flight response and tell me to quit ha anyone dealt with anything like this or have any advice a to how to overcome or at least calm down this anxious feeling of regretting having to go to work and cry nonstop about it,Depression +38854,my account on a messaging app got hacked while there s nothing illegal there i used to be a very very shitty person and i ve written extensively about my terrible wrongdoing attempt to get therapy and make ammends charity work i know that this person is unlikely to leak my info they seem to be using my account to scam my friend out of money they re committing multiple felony and i doubt they want to leak info and get caught still all this make me feel extremely anxious,Depression +38855,i used to have worse anxiety but it s been better since i started on adhd medication but every time i now have even small amount of anxiety that don t even amount to an anxiety or panic attack the next day i get really really bad fatigue like i get out of breath from walking across the room and my leg ache despite doing nothing i know tiredness after anxiety is normal but i m getting this after even small amount of anxiety when i didn t have this before even after a day long anxiety attack is this normal or should i book a gp appointment because i end up having to take day off school because of it btw i no longer have anxiety it really is just specific situation such a an anxiety attack about my phobia or even a phone call with a doctor appointment,Depression +38856,my doctor just prescribed me trazodone buspirone and escitalopram for my anxiety i am not sure what to do here since i read they all interact with each other but my doctor say it s just fine and he know best i am already taking buspirone and it help a lot he also knew escitalopram give me insomnia and still prescribed it not sure if i should just stop bitching or find another doctor,Depression +38857,so a the title say i m looking to go and see a doctor about my anxiety i ve been to a rehabilitation centre and talked to a few doctor people there i smoke weed for my anxiety and it doesn t help anymore it can t be everywhere and anytime i get a anxiety attack my weed usage ha been extremely high before going to the rehab place and now that i ve brought it completely down i get mad anxiety when i smoke i smoke to stop the anxiety now i just get anxiety from smoking i m not sure that i can go about smoking anymore financially it s not good for me doe anyone have any suggestion on what doctor would be good to talk to when i call to book a appointment,Depression +38858,you enter a store looking to buy a particular thing you browse around and realise that they do not the item you came in for so you buy something you don t really need because you are afraid that the staff at the store may suspect you of shoplifting,Depression +38859,friend tried to send enough for a hotel but then my dog needed attention and then i sold my ring and i found out it wa pretty much fake and worth basically nothing enough tk get a hotel i thought so i did it it wasn t now i m probably going to wind up spiraling and i just want to be home in missouri never thought i d say that very thankful to the stranger who got my ticket can t wait until i can get on it please think good thought for my safety tonight it seems safe enough but the night is the worst for both me and my dog wish a shelter would allow her edit if anyone can help please pm me,Depression +38860,sometimes when i close my eye to try to sleep i get this crazy feeling that i can describe closest to be a zap it only last a second second and kind of feel like a sharp rush upwards and make me whole body tingle a little when it happens i thought it wa vertigo at first but since hearing about brain zap i think this might be closest i also described the feeling to my ent because i thought it wa vertigo and he looked confused taken aback but my description so i m guessing it really isn t vertigo it doesn t happen too often and only really happens at night when i close my eye to sleep i ve never been on any medication,Depression +38861,since i can remember a a kid i had problem with anxiety it is not that i can not hide it except tremor but sometimes it is too tough and overwhelming whole my life i used to be compared to others and rejected at first instance of any kind of trouble it troubled me a lot because of bullying body shaming physical abuse even i developt chronic disease and had suicidal thought because of it the worst one wa rejection by the close one who said nice thing about me and thought otherwise my spirit in a way kept me feeling better because i made myself go against anything even if it is that stressful and i am hyperactive i know i am strong willed on one side but there is huge unsettlment on other side which is very hard sometimes to control i can have 0 bpm doing just nothing the worst thing actually are my thought and overthinking every single decision that i ever made i am thinking about going this time to have a talk because i do not know how much i can take more and when will my will break at some point even tho i make myself do thing to feel better,Depression +38862,my doctor think that sertaline is better for anxiety but my fatigue specialist insists that citalopram is anyone with real life experience of either or both happy to share their opinion thanks,Depression +38863,hey guy im gon na be honest here im a year old stoner with a lot of mental health issue i havent ever really had anyone i felt comfortable or safe opening up to and i know it can be the same for a lot of other men of all age i wanted to create a subreddit of some sort a a safe place to vent give and seek advice for domestic or any other reason a men mental health problem seems to be kinda looked over i m looking for advice on how to grow that kind of community i haven t had a safe place like that for me and i dont want men to have the same problem or feel the same way i would eventually like to grow this in to a full fledged non profit organisation kindest regard safewithus,Depression +38864,so four year ago i met this guy online we hung out quite a bit from october 0 until may 0 9 we hung out almost every single day so in a nutshell he had a problem with drug and mental health issue and went to jail in june 0 9 he ended up being sentenced to three year in a mental hospital from online court record i knew he wa getting released this month about two week ago i looked at his facebook and he had like 0 more friend than the last time i looked i also noticed he had commented on someone s status anyway he posted his new number on there a couple day ago i thought about texting him but i don t know if i should i would really like to see him again but my sister is telling me to stay away from him i m not friend with him on facebook i only knew the guy for a year so maybe he won t even remember me what do you think,Depression +38865,i emailed my teacher a few week ago because we had a speech coming up so i emailed her ahead of time i explained that i have an anxiety disorder gad and that speaking in front of a class is not something i am able to do because of really bad anxiety attack and also i lose the ability to speak so yeah i asked if there wa any way i could still get point without having to do the speech in front of the class she asked if we could do it just u together a in i present it to just her at lunch i agreed but now i regret it my speech is tomorrow and i m freaking out even over just saying my speech to just her i don t think i can do it but it would look bad if i email her saying i ll just take the zero instead right,Depression +38866,i know my mind think thing that make no sense and sometimes i just sit there and watch myself experience these thought and then i fall into a weird psychosis i keep having irrational fear of death and it trigger me on a daily basis i get scared to fall asleep because i think my dad is going to murder me i sit in the car and get a random thought about getting hit and dying i watch the news and get scared about another war starting that lead to dying the anxiety that i have about dying before i am able to get old ruin my willingness to actually enjoy my life i think the past couple of year since covid ha exposed me to a lot of unexpected and very triggering event in my life and for this reason i m scared to relax when thing are going good i worry about enjoying peace in my life because something bad might happen so much of this worrying make me sleep a lot it make me frustrated about myself it take away the motivation and lust i used to have for life i am too familiar with a rising heartbeat every thirty minute or the feeling of dread after doing the most mundane thing sometimes i walk around in my everyday life and just feel like i m in a developing video game and i m just waiting for the program to start i m scared all of the time of what the next thing that s going to happen to me come i wish i could be a normal person i remember when my anxiety used to just revolve around small stuff like my appearance now i don t even care about what i look like it s like i don t even recognize who i am anymore,Depression +38867,i m not sure if i have anxiety or adhd or im just introverted and procrastinating lol i started biting my nail since i wa a kid i tried hard to get rid of this habit but it not something i can control i put on nail polish usually but once it fall ill start biting them or fixing them with nail clipper a little bit of unsmoothness on my nail will bother me a lot and ill just sit there and keep fixing it for hour straight instead of doing any work literally every 0 min i would find somewhere bothering me on my nail i also overthink a lot it might be influenced by my mom who kept telling me that others might think negatively about me bc of any barely noticeable detail about what i do how i look so now i will just replay some scenario in my head hundred of time feel bad about myself and had to take deep breath say to myself it ok out loud or make some sudden noise to make my mind jump out of that vicious loop recently i feel that my attention span is getting even shorter i will sit down for work and get distracted after min and start watching youtube video for hour i notice myself doing that and i would think maybe i should go back to work but the other part of my mind is like numb and fail to take any action to the point that im only able to focus for a long time under pressure like a day before meeting or exam idk if it is just bad work ethic procrastination introversion or i should get a check up for anxiety adhd like i heard other ppl relate to me on point amp so idk if it just some common problem that i can just work it out either way can anyone give me any advice on whether to get a diagnosis or smth i could do on my own to mitigate these behavior thanks,Depression +38868,finally decided to give it a try wish me luck,Depression +38869,i ve always had anxiety issue a a kid i thought that i wa normal and everyone felt this way dry heaving in the car on the way to a new babysitter house i m now and i still have constant anxiety the last three month have been worse than anything prior the only time i feel slightly normal is when i take a xanax my dr said that they re addictive so it s a short term solution i have been off of work on and off for two month my dr gave me zoloft and i ve been on it for a week and a half and i m still somewhat hopeful that it ll kick in but idk what i ll do if it doesn t help substantially,Depression +38870,just to start off i do work but i really don t want to for some reason i get a crazy amount of dread when thinking about working especially going into a shift i especially have anxiety thinking about how it mess with my schedule i had a really bad experience with a lazy employer and i would work totally alone for shift without much instruction it wasn t very bad but my anxiety would not leave me alone it keep me up at night and that s really hard to do because i fall asleep in literal second i don t even know where to go from here everyone i tell this to say i have to work a if i will never get a job for this reason even when i specifically say i will work but i won t like it,Depression +38871,i m trying to figure out if this is an anxiety thing i have been thinking that i may have adhd and i know this is a symptom of it but my therapist say that she won t test me for it bc anxiety can mimick adhd i go through these period every few week or some time every few day i m either really motivated and will do a million thing in a day and clean shower hang out w friend everyday but if this go on for too long i get extremely depressed and burnt out this happened friday i wa so motivated i went to work then the gym then cleaned then saturday i wa out all day something not normal for me sunday wa the same i worked then went out w friend spent all day with friend monday and tuesday worked then went to the gym but now i m extremely depressed and my room is so messy and i don t have any energy and just want to lay in bed for day and not talk to anyone i thought this wa an anxiety v depression cycle but now i think it s sort of a manic like v depression burn out cycle i m just looking to see if anyone can relate it s so hard to keep a job bc of these period of burn out no matter what stage i am in the cycle i m still extremely anxious i just have more motivation to push through it when i m at that point in the cycle,Depression +38872,anyone else with this fear i can t go outside when it s dark i get panic attack thinking everyone is out to get me i also have a fear of getting killed by previous boyfriend friend and fear they will break into my house it make it hard to look into the future thinking everyday is the last,Depression +38873,so i literally have barely any success in making friend i make friend we get close then they disappear from my life i m in uni now trying to make friend i have a small nice friend group i get invited to some of the hangout etc but i constantly feel like there is tension between me and a few people like a if they hate me i made a friend last year now she barely talk to me and i genuinely think she hate me to add i m not a sexual person at all so i never made advance with any of those friend if anything i try to avoid physical contact because of constant anxiety of making people uncomfortable i also have low self esteem which is pretty clear but i really feel sad about having people not like me i mean some people always get text and are friend with so many people eventhough theyre barely more social than i am i genuinely don t understand my problem amp x 00b tldr how to make people like you a a friend how to stop thinking everyone hate you,Depression +38874,how do i quit a job i keep having panic attack and it s interfering with my job i just started two week ago and this is happening someone plz help i missed my alarm this morning and it s a bad look i don t know what to tect my bos i m quitting bc i feel nervous everyday about the job it s sad bc i actually liked it it s my body that s the issue,Depression +38875,i have an interview tomorrow and i feel like i am dying from how stressed i am right now i already had a panic attack earlier but thankfully i came down from it fast this would be my second job ever and i wa at my first job for three year so i feel like i will be rusty and mess it up and i have to drive a route i am not used to and dont know well which driving is a major trigger for me can i have some word of support or encouragement to get through this please,Depression +38876,i found out today i ll most likely lose my job tomorrow i am a covid suppression specialist and of course i knew there would come a time but based on what the leader had said i expected to stay on until next summer i m doing my best to distract myself but i m feeling my anxiety in my leg and arm it s almost like that feeling you get after your foot fall asleep i ve managed to lose lb in the last week about 0 more to go and i don t want to stress eat and gain it back,Depression +38877,is it a bad thing i cried in front of my friend who s a girl so i m a guy and my best friend who is a girl opened up to me about abuse she faced in the past and i started cry while she wa telling me and i just hugged her the next day i told opened up to her that i experienced the same type of abuse and that s why it broke my heart when she had told me about it i also have opened up to her about me self harming and having severe depression and having a drug problem i ve recently been doing better but i can t help but worry that this changed how she see me she ha remained super supportive and still asks me to hangout and i feel like we have grown closer but i also worry she secretly think i m a bitch now,Depression +38878,so i wa prescribed propranolol 0mg for really bad physical anxiety symptom i have something coming up later in the semester in term of presentation it s not just presentation it s like presentation in one day i know what a joy i wa definitely planning to take a dose that day however i m scared it will wear off a few hour later is it fine if i double the dos that day or should i not,Depression +38879,i love alcohol no i m not a problem drinker but i love a good hazy ipa a good single malt scotch and good wine but when i m having an extended bout of anxiety head fog i completely lose my desire for any of it is that odd,Depression +38880,so i ve always feared going crazy a few day ago someone made fun of a stutter in front of me cause they didn t know i stuttered after that realized how easy it is for others to talk badly behind my back and wondered who can i really trust i realized a few day later anyone can be made fun of for many thing and i m no different rather if it s a stutter lisp religion sexuality appearance you can be made fun of it for all of that i stopped worry about it and later in the day someone commented on a post about it and said they became psychotic and paranoid thinking about people talking behind their back after they did that for a long period of time this freaked me out because this thought wasn t from ocd although later that first day i thought this i thought i feel crazy thinking this way it took 0 0 minute after reading that comment to not feel like i wa about to have a panic attack and ever since that happened yesterday i ve been extremely anxious i wa laying in bed and realized 99 of people won t make fun of me and the one that do i ll never be friend with and if i am they ll show themselves with time but i wa laying in bed and it feel like a weight wa lifted off of me i realized it s best to take this stutter le serious i ve been letting it defy me instead of treating it like an aspect of me i wa thinking about it i stuttered during sex and literally started laughing because i found it funny and i remembered my cousin making fun of my stutter when i said pork i stuttered and she said ah yes i love pork pork pork i wa offended at the time but i find it funny now i m learning there s joke that devalue me and joke that are lightheaded and i m beginning to not be offended at the light hearted joke now that i see that difference i heard people before going insane end up really happy sometimes and i feel great now that i realized i m going to take it le serious and just joke about my stutter because it doesn t define me doe it sound like i m going insane or did i just figure out what i needed to do after becoming scared but turning that into a plus for me,Depression +38881,doe anyone else experience this i had a very traumatic fainting experience when i wa 0 year old and have fainted maybe 0 or so time in the last year following it normally is brought on by extreme anxiety and trigger would love to know if anyone ha any tip with dealing with this at this point i can kind of know what s going to cause a fainting spell but it s very exhausting to always have to think about,Depression +38882,i ve had tinnitus for like year could it be somehow related to anxiety also neck pain for year tension mainly thanks for answer,Depression +38883,last night i had a dream that ha been weighing on my mind all day long even now a i prepare for bed i cant shake the memory of it and i fear that it will be revisited in more horrible way than before the love of my life stephanie is traveling home with two of her male friend from a party their car is forced off the road by a pair of car and armed men jump out and pull them from their vehicle the friend are brutally executed with a hail of gunfire and stephanie covered in their sticky blood is forced into the trunk of one of their car pleading with the men she is taken to a dark place and sold a an object and she becomes the victim of human trafficking for 0 year i pine for my lost love a i wonder about her disappearance and out of the blue i learn of her fate and also her whereabouts i go to the gun store she is being held in and spy her in a back room chained inside a cage her form battered and bedraggled and only a sliver of her once beautiful form remaining i make pleasantry with the men behind the counter a i surreptitiously draw from my pocket a blade asking for the price of an item on the shelf behind him i draw the attention of one of the men away from me making him turn around when his back is turned i take my knife and swiftly slit his throat throwing his gagging body to the floor with shocked look on their face the other two men in the store watch a i bound over the counter and stab the first of them to death through his chest with a leap across the room i take hold of the last of them and we struggle furiously a he force the blade from my hand causing it to clatter to the floor we fight ferociously and eventually i best my foe caving in his skull with a piece of furniture and pulling the cage key from his pocket covered head to toe in gore i unlock stephanie s cage and help her to freedom she look at me like i m some fresh hell being visited on her but i reveal myself for who i am and tell her that she is rescued she burst into tear of relief and sob for hour over all the horrible thing she ha been forced to do and to witness for year nearly uncounted and i console her until she is calmed i produce for her a pair of cupcake that i had prepared before entering the store and had set aside i tell her that the first is made of sugar and apple and is all the sweet thing i will give to her the second is made of coffee and rat poison and will taste bitter but will be the end of her suffering at long last i give her the choice and without a moment hesitation she take the latter and eats heartily of it sending the former to the floor forgotten she smile a wan grin at me and tell me thank you before closing her eye and looking finally at peace with her lot i hold her in my arm to keep her warm and safe a she pass on into the next world unable to live with what ha happened to her in her captivity at this point i awoke and stared at the pillow beneath me and imagined all the terrible thing that stephanie must have experienced and for a long moment i wa horrified it wa only then that the realization that it wa a dream hit me and i remembered the truth stephanie ha been dead for fifteen year she took her own life in a fit of depression and did not in fact fall victim to human trafficking at this realization i said aloud i m glad you killed yourself with an unspoken underscore of this realization that she hadn t been sold a thought that in no way ha ever formed in my mind or lip before that moment writing out this account already make me feel better and i think i might be able to brave another round of unconsciousness though i have no doubt another mare of the night will visit this is my first reddit posting and i thank you for reading it,Depression +38884,hello all lately i have been fighting with my anxiety after having fought in a relationship i m still holding pain in my chest and i always wake up with anxiety also i always cry during the day and before going to sleep i m living with my boyfriend and i don t want him to be sad like me amp x 00b could you guy give me some advice to help me heal myself,Depression +38885,sometimes it s not even mental anxiety somedays i just feel it physically i can be totally okay in the noggin but my muscle are tense i m really cold my leg can t stop bouncing my jaw is clenching my nail are digging into my palm then i get up and the world feel woozy that s when i realize how exhausted i am despite hardly doing anything that could ve caused that exhaustion no anxious thought just an anxious body,Depression +38886,i have this constant thought hanging over my head that at all time somehow i m not using my time wisely regardless of what it is if i m taking a relaxing bath to calm my nerve i think about how i could be doing something even more fun or exciting and this task is not worth the time i m spending on it i often have morning where i find myself unable to fall back asleep even if i m awake way earlier than i need to be for work plan that day lamenting how i am or am not using that time to my best advantage it make it so hard to enjoy my day off or the time i don t spend occupied with something sometimes my day off are stressful the most at the very end when i reflect back on all the thing i didn t do but should have done even if that s total nonsense to a clearer headed me there s nothing i have to do on a day off i m sitting here right this second looking at the clock over and over thinking i wasted the last 0 minute watching youtube video when i could ve been playing video game but when i play video game instead i feel bad about not having watched a movie or new tv show instead it s so maddening ha anyone found a way to manage this constant sense of impatience,Depression +38887,i am and i graduate in a couple of week i feel no where ready to graduate and i still feel like i m 9 i started applying for job but i do not have a full time offer yet it s so awful scrolling through linkedin seeing people posting that they accepted a full time job i m no where near there i m also a first generation student so there s that another one of my anxiety besides graduating from college is that my parent are moving to south florida i hate florida i hate the weather there and i love how it is up here in the northeast unfortunately i do not have the finance to move out even with roommate it would not work out i feel like i m going to be absolutely miserable in florida i hate the vibe there in fort lauderdale and florida to me is a place to visit not to live long term the idea of moving is so anxiety inducing and it just suck it also suck dealing with social anxiety which is preventing me from doing so much i hate it,Depression +38888,so i just completed my rd admission a a inpatient and a big worry ha been my eye becoming damaged anyway on my way home today around pm to 0 when the sun is low and glare is heap the sun wa in my eye the whole way home i wa coming in from a angle you just couldn t block out i didn t have sunnys now i am paronoid i have sunburnt my eye or given them flash burn or whatever it is called i am already spiralling downward and can t even enjoy being my family again after being away for so long,Depression +38889,my throat is always closed up and today it feel like someone ha their hand on my neck i get burning skin and twitch in my eye and so many other thing it make the mental battle that i go through 0 time harder i wish i could have a day off,Depression +38890,several time throughout almost every night just a i m dozing off my body jar me awake convinced it just saved me from drifting off into death my heart race my chest tight exhausted almost to tear i ll sit up put my hand on my chest take deep breath lay back down and repeat up to 0 time a night sometimes anyone else experience this or have any advice i can t hardly sleep anymore,Depression +38891,today i wa prescribed xanax and celexa for my depression and anxiety i have major anxiety about taking pill the side effect freak me out especially when it come to mental medication i ve took zoloft in the pas for a couple day and it freak me out with suicidal thought very angry and ticked off i m scared this might happen again i m so lost on what to do i really need the help but scared of the help,Depression +38892,do you have a certain objekt or garment that your always carry with you something that make you uneasy if you dont have it with you i personaly always carry my noice cancelling headphone although i dont necesarily use them all the time,Depression +38893,if you ve just been through something very stressful or a time of high anxiety be easy on yourself i know instinctually we expect to just bounce back immediately after said stressor is gone but high level of stress take a toll on both your mind and body it ll take some time to heal you might continue to feel stressed not a much a before but still be extra prone to anxiety trigger physically drained tense achey sour stomach nausea etc and before you freak out about how you feel think back to the basic before you jump to something scary did you eat enough today what did you eat did you drink enough water today how much sleep did you get this past week how sound wa that sleep did you have to take a different medication recently what s your posture been like any constant muscle tension have you socialized much recently have you gone outside recently think of these question not judgmentally but objectively sometimes it s hard to take perfect care of yourself it s not something to beat yourself up over say you re feeling really fatigued lately if you ve barely eaten anything and been getting poor sleep then it s not surprising at all that you d be tired that s on top of chronic anxiety which can cause unpleasant physical and mental symptom even when you re doing everything else right just because you feel crappy doesn t mean you have some scary life threatening disease it suck to feel like that but try not worry yourself over thing that at the moment are just fantasy granted if you feel like this all time like me i d recommend seeing a therapist and or psychiatrist maybe even going for a regular doctor visit if you haven t gone in a long time just to check in on thing basically what i m saying is don t scare yourself into a panic over your physical symptom but if you feel like they are interrupting your life it might be a good idea to seek help and there s nothing wrong with seeking help either if someone is having trouble seeing thing clearly they go to an optometrist for help this is the same thing for some reason or another our body brain isn t working how it should for u to lead a healthy life it s not our fault and it s not shameful to need help hope ya ll have a good week,Depression +38894,hey all i feel the title is pretty self explanatory suffered with ga and ha for most of my life but after year of therapy at least once a month i have learnt a lot of coping mechanism and am doing so much better however i have alot on right now which is overwhelming me immensely and causing my anxiety to creep back very quick back story i m f single mother to an year old being a single mother is not new to me i m organised and have a great support network and earn a comfortable wage i work in management and look after a multitude of employee let s say 0 which is a lot my rental lease is due to expire end of june and australia ha a housing crisis a lot of financially stable people are unable to find home due to the volume of applicant applying for rental i m in the process of buying a property about min away from where i live due to the exorbitant house price in my area median house price is now 0k this is my first home so the process seems daunting even with my broker assistance the move itself entail my daughter changing school right before high school which wa not an easy decision to make my parent are relocating back overseas which will leave me here in australia with no immediate family i don t struggle with problem solving but i guess the issue i have is where to begin there s too many variable factor and i guess i feel stressed because my basic need for a home and stability is so up in the air any advice on how to manage this feeling of utter rubbish i m incredibly unmotivated am not sleeping well and noticing general anxiety creeping in again,Depression +38895,i m in college and i get so much anxiety from doing even the most basic rebellious thing before people mention it yes i know i can always leave the situation but i genuinely do want to experiment and try new thing out i d hate for my college day to go to waste i m going to an event this weekend and i m literally so anxious because they re talking about doing some very very minorly rebellious thing there thing that 0 of people do in college but im still so anxious ok im probably just being repetitive so i ll stop but any input is appreciated,Depression +38896,i hate how some people think we use our anxiety to avoid responsabilities when in reality even moving can be difficult due to anxiety in my case sometimes anxiety attack make almost impossible grabbing thing my hand start feeling really weak,Depression +38897,scared that the ceiling fan will drop and decapitate me can t turn on the air condioner either scared that it might explode,Depression +38898,i spent my 0 s in a real mess i let anxiety get the better of me and quit a job outright with nothing to go to i developed agoraphobia and lied to family and friend that i wa still working i got really sick and couldn t go to interview because i didn t know how i would explain an month gap luckily i got a volunteering job which led to full time employment which i ve been in for year the only problem is the pay is terrible and the hour are incredibly long after year of deliberating i recently decided to apply for another job i got an interview but they told me that they wanted to discus my gap i panicked and pulled out of the interview i didn t want to humiliate myself in front of stranger that i had a break down and can t handle pressure i can t see myself lying about what i wa up to that year without my nervousness giving me away i just couldn t do it it suck because i really wanted to work for that organisation but i just chickened out i just feel like crap right now i guess i just needed to offload thanks for reading,Depression +38899,do anybody experience a sharp pain in your chest area almost feel like pin and needle feeling is this anxiety i always feel like anxiety when my chest feel tight but this go round i don t have tightness in my chest it s more a needle pain i wa wondering is this anxiety,Depression +38900,so i have been on fluoxetine prozac for 0mg and it seems to make my anxiety worse 0 0mins after i take them i have been on prozac for roughly around week is this normal,Depression +38901,i wa diagnosed bipolar year ago i have very high level of anxiety my doc that i ve been working with ha been trying to get me to take lithium for a very long time i ve always been very resistant partly because i wanted to see if i could fix myself partly because my health anxiety ha me freaking out over side effect from lithium but my life is being taken over by the anxiety im not even living really just surviving really i don t want to struggle just to make it through the day so i think i have to get on my medication doe anyone have experience with lithium doe the good out way any possible bad thank you,Depression +38902,some people with anxiety experience loneliness and deeply understand it so i am posting on this forum i have plant allll over my apartment to make me feel le lonely since plant are a form of life it doesn t do the trick though oh well although it doe give off a feeling that i would not have of there were no plant so question do plant make you feel le lonely,Depression +38903,just in case i d like to add a tw for health i went to the doctor office and had not been having such a nice morning day anxiety wise and my blood pressure came up higher than normal and ironically enough it had me more anxious than i wa this morning ha this ever happened to any of you guy and if so do you guy have any tip on how to relax,Depression +38904,have had pretty good control over the most part of my anxiety up until recently when i ve been having headache again and my neck seems to have flared up it s like a sense of impending doom followed by extreme panic and the feeling of thinning i m about to die idk what it is but it s crazy usually happens before i go to sleep these weird dull hit weirdly sharp pain in the left side of my head and this weird dent on the same side of my head hope it s not cancer,Depression +38905,a coping mechanism i have is that i ll sort of get through the hour of the day until it is nighttime and i know i can have the sweet release of sleep soon of course this isn t every day but i usually look forward to sleep because it s the only time i am really guaranteed not to feel anxiety dread of course some day i will sorta forget about it but it seems that the like the main objective of the day is to get to the end of it funny enough i actually don t mind living like that i find it very comforting knowing i get an hour break from my anxiety every day i still have plenty of day where i am enjoying the thing through the day but even on those day when hour fly by i m like oh bonus i m closer to bed some day it s like my only hope though where i am really all over the place and it s my anchor to keep going idk i m sure it sound bad that i look forward to going to sleep everyday but i find it a pretty good coping mechanism,Depression +38906,my therapist ha asked me to do something spontaneous activity in which i do not have control over the situation and that experience should feel good background so i have been trying to get out of this anxiety state which i get everytime i open my work laptop or think about work my mind ha been taking control and planning thing of so many thing that i can not let go control and do anything spontaneously i have been thinking about what can somebody do to fulfill this,Depression +38907,for the past couple of month i have been feeling really cold my throat and my esophagus down to the center of my chest ha started feeling icy like i just drank a really cold glass of water but that feeling stay all the time i am a yr old female and don t have a history of debilitating anxiety or any anxiety at all but i have just recently had a few fuck ups at work and maybe it s anxiety i feel like when i calm down i still have that cold feeling sometimes though so i m not sure if that s a common feeling with anxiety or not ha anyone else had this if not i want i look elsewhere for the cause thank you in advance,Depression +38908,so i m a 9 y o female who ha been on zoloft since i wa 0 i ve never drank or done drug but lately i ve gotten to a point in my life where i d like to try having a few drink with friend however on the side of my zoloft bottle it say not to drink alcohol would it still be okay to have a few,Depression +38909,hi i wa wondering if anyone ha small kid with anxiety i have a seven year old that ha been coming to me the past couple day saying he feel like he can t breath and sometimes is on the verge of hyperventilation he is a very emotional child and always ha been looking back he may have always had anxiety but it s turning to physical symptom while this is happening i validate what he is feeling remind him i m there for him and we do boxed breathing his lung are clear oxygen level normal no wheezing no pain when experiencing this i have struggled with anxiety and feeling of shortness of breath too i wa wondering if anyone ha gone through this with their child and what are some resource i m calling the doctor tomorrow for an appointment a most of you know living with uncontrolled anxiety can truly feel like a nightmare and is the last thing i want for any of my child any advice would help thanks,Depression +38910,i see a lot of people dealing with mental health issue being so hard on the self i know it s a hard time but please never bring yourself down your only human it s normal to experience these emotion please start being kind to yourself it will help so much,Depression +38911,i desperately needed to make a appointment at a clinic that i ve been putting it off for week but today i finally did it i didn t even overthink at all i love that i am finally breaking out of my shell,Depression +38912,i know it s a thing with visual perception a that s been a prominent part of my experience with derealisation but i ve just now made the smell connection there s a girl in front of me on this bus with a strong smelling hair product that s lingering all around and it s making me nauseous annoyed stop being so fragrant agitated like i wan na get off this bus badly it s so odd to me i m irrationally offput by a smell and actually it s a pleasant one but i m still repulsed and combined with all the other bus smell fabric staleness people etc it s so much worse the extent to which i m upset by this is ridiculous lol my own empty coffee cup is making me wan na spew can someone explain why this is happening and how i might ease or stop it there s no window that can be opened i know it might sound stupid but i m omw to meet a friend and this bus ride is taking it out of me and putting me on edge i don t want the evening ahead to be impeded by this,Depression +38913,for past month i had this weird head rushing tension feeling when falling asleep even when i sit and i am bored i can feel it it s like my head would be scrambled between wall and my brain wa wired to something idk,Depression +38914,but how many people more realistically have a debilitating mental illness,Depression +38915,i had a meeting that i knew wa going to go well but i couldn t control my breathing and my heart rate wa insane i wa filling time with some paperwork but i couldn t focus i tried box breathing and it didn t work forgot to try grounding technique but will moving forward just to mention this pre event anxiety is normal a a kid going to birthday party made me anxious happens all the time still but this is the first time i just couldn t breathe this wa such a worrying experience i have something to actually worry about tomorrow and i hope it doesn t go the same way i honestly don t think it will because my body seems to react to adrenaline differently based on specific situation i am stressed thinking about it now or stressed because i m stressed maybe a soon a i sat down in that meeting i wa completely fine thought it might have been a combination of walking too fast and then my body not recovering from a weird breathing pattern but then i wa walking the same way later completely fine i ve been sighing all day which is what i tend to do when i am stressed i am trying to get help but yeah thing aren t moving along very well i m going to make an appointment with my therapist a soon a possible we are working together on an unrelated issue but i think we ll benefit from talking about it also worried about an upcoming wisdom teeth surgery anyway going to go cry so i can get some of this out of my system,Depression +38916,i have been suffering with severe anxiety for a couple year now i had a bad life threading car accident in 0 0 and thing have never been the same i started college during the pandemic 0 0 and i wa on zoloft i wa taking my zoloft inconsistently and ended up in the hospital with severe side effect i decided to give it another try month later and the same thing happened i wa prescribed prozac in 0 and then took it for two day amp almost attempted fast forward to now my anxiety is the worst it s ever been i have severe side effect such a dizziness blurred vision shaking panic attack ect it s taken a toll on my daily life and i can t seem to function normally i m almost 0 year old amp living at home still because i can not seem to get a grip of my anxiety my day are long and exhausting amp most day i feel it would be better to end it all i will say i am also in therapy and considering seeing a psychiatrist i need advice anything i would love to hear about medication health psychiatrist therapy anything i just want to see what ha helped other people thank you everyone,Depression +38917,so i took for my first time and it made me a little sleepy but it didn t help my anxiety much but i had the most lucid dream last night and wa literally pinching my skin trying to wake myself up is that normal i m really scared about it,Depression +38918,hey f 9 and two month sober today so have been reading lot of quitlit lately i suffer badly with anxiety too so would love to hear some of your book recommendation thanks in advance x,Depression +38919,im talking to a psychiatrist on friday i m gon na most likely be put on med which i need lol but i m scared the med aren t even gon na work for me and i m supposed to go to florida with my family in a few week but my anxiety and depression is at a all time high im rly just scared the med won t help me cuz it feel like nothing will help me,Depression +38920,i have the worst tmj right now how do you get yourself to be more mindful of this lol also are there any stretch massage that work for you in relieving tmj,Depression +38921,ever since my girlfriend moved 0 minute away to college i find myself worrying that she s in danger or dead when i don t hear from her for a while i m still a senior in highschool during the day i m usually not worried about her safety but at night if i don t hear from her by the time i m going to bed at like 0 pm i start to agonize and worry that she s dead she doe taekwondo every evening until or 9 and then take a 0 minute trip from the dojo back to her dorm and if i don t hear from her by the time i go to bed i start to lose sleep over my anxiety this happens any time i have a reason to expect to hear from her and i don t she assures me that the school campus is safe and i have nothing to worry about she s also a very safe driver and she s tall and athletic and therefore probably difficult to kidnap but i hate to think about that i could ask her to check in with me more or to check in at certain time but i feel strongly against being overbearing or controlling and i don t want to cross her boundary i think it annoys her a little bit already how much i worry about her and how i panic if i don t hear from her but she also try to reassure me the best she can i can t seem to ever fight my anxiety with logic i only feel better after hearing from her i don t feel this way when i m with her and i didn t even feel this way when we lived in the same town but in different house any advice on how to stop worrying so much about her safety,Depression +38922,i ve been wanting a cat for a few month now at first i wanted a dog but they re too much responsibility for a university student and not many landlord accept dog i ve been suffering with anxiety for year but ever since i moved out of my family home it s just been getting worse and worse i ve made no friend i feel extremely lonely even though i am in a relationship of a year and half we do long distance since college though and i have frequent panic attack a well a sleep paralysis am i crazy for thinking a cat could really help me is it true untrue is my anxiety something only i can fix help my parent refuse to get me a cat or help me financially because of the responsibility that it mean but my therapist think it could be a good thing for me but also my boyfriend is allergic to cat anyway just asking for thought help,Depression +38923,i am having some severe anxiety attack these can last for hour my blood pressure and heart rate get very high i ve been to the er but they just gave me ativan and it doesn t help i have trouble breathing it s hard to talk my limb go numb my heart feel cold i have severe urge to vomit and go to the bathroom,Depression +38924,just stop being me stop being a disaster stop being a disappointment stop being annoying stop being so anxious,Depression +38925,hello everyone i m an 9 year old male with a perfectly normal bmi 9 lb or cm 0kg i ve never smoked in my life i ve never tried drug and i don t drink alcohol no history of cancer or heart issue in my family so it all begun this july when i woke up with an intense chest pain i thought i wa having a heart attack and my mother slashed me to the er i had a blood test ekg ultrasound everything wa clear one week later i caught covid but the symptom were mild and i wa also vaccinated so in september i took a cbc again in order to get an accutane treatment for my acne the cbc came back with high wbc and lymphocyte 0 and normal are 0 0 0 for wbc and 0 for lymphocyte they told me it might be cause of covid and i should retake the cbc in a month meanwhile i begun to get daily intense chest pain at the upper left part where i can feel my heart so i got another appointment with a cardiologist in october i went to the cardiologist who did an ekg echo they told i have very few pvc s but that wasnt something concerning for the doc so they told me i don t have any heart issue now my cbc came back with more elevated wbc and lymphocyte and at the time i had also developed everyday abdominal pain and lot of gas like i have to fart all the time and the fart last long also i feel a fullness to my abdomen and i get spasm or fasciculation all over my body everyday i got an abdominal ultrasound which came back normal my poop also come back in thin layer which look nothing like before in december i met with an hematologist oncologist who put me on like 0 test and everything came back clear except my wbc which were again elevated at this time and lymphocyte at in september they were 0 and in december the hematologist told me that i have a reactive lymphocyticosis and it s nothing serious before i caught covid in july at the er my wbc and lympho were perfectly normal he said i should retake a cbc in month in order to check i also visited a gastroenterologist who said that i probably have nothing since i m too young and prescribed me omeprazole for 0 day it didn t help at all i also take vit d supplement because i have a deficiency i also had a poop culture which came back clear i decided that i should look into my thyroid for the heart etc so i got a thyroid ultrasound and some lab with bloodwork everything came back clear again along with some inflammation lab crp igm igg igg which were all negative the latest test were conducted in december now it s been like month that i m living in daily pain i can feel something like a rapid heartbeat in my abdomen jerk or twitch hand back etc my body is pumping all the time i think they re called fasciculation i get them like every 0 minute and it s so so annoying i also get the intense chest pain everyday i feel like my heart is gon na leave me or something it s really painful and i feel like dying the pain is very intense my abdomen also hurt everyday i have so much gas and ramblings i think it s everywhere in my body and i can t stand it my belly usually hurt at the upper left part but the pain is everywhere i m also severely bloated i also got covid again just a few day before new year im afraid to take a cbc now cause i believe that my wbc will have skyrocketed my symptom were worse than first time i had a high fever for day 9 c and i still have some cough i feel that this will really mess my immune system more than it s already messed up i guess it s already messed up because my covid symptom were much worse than in july even though i had the delta variant in july and now the omicron which is weaker i asked if i can get a colonscopy but they told me that they re meant for people over the age of 0 and me with no family history i m not a candidate for it plus i have no blood weight loss etc pretty much every test i ve taken come up normal except my wbc which keep raising every month i m so afraid that i have something serious like colon cancer or crohn s my quality of life ha really deteriorated i can t study any more i m gon na fail my uni final i can t do anything i m in daily pain my heart hurt my acne ha dominated my body it s really everywhere chest back butt face even thigh we re talking really bad cystic acne here not pimple and with bad break out i can t lie on my bed because my back bleeds because of it and i still haven t gotten the accutane because of my blood i also want to start working out but the pain are scaring the shit out of me thinking that i m gon na pas on the treadmill or something the acne ha also destroyed my self esteem and it s worse than ever been battling with it for almost year now i also get random pain all over my body lower back headache arm etc i really don t wan na die yet but my life is really shitty hell i would give everything to feel good again tbh i don t know what test i can take anymore to shed some light in my case should i ask for an mri my parent have really got full of me i ve ripped them off by dragging them to so many appointment i ve had more than 0 since july they have to pay i can literally feel my left part of my belly pumping right now i ve tried taking laxative dulcolax for day but my constipation and thin stool turn into diarrhea and more pain i also get some sharp pain here and there that last a few second i m so afraid it s cancer tumor or leukemia or autoimmune which will make me suffer for life only the thought of it make me wan na vomit i m only 9 goddammit i think that covid might have triggered an autoimmune disease or something i guess my nerve system is really broken right now lastly my mentally healthy ha really deteriorated at this point symptom started at of july and today it s the th of march everything is a lot worse than it wa before i wake up from my sleep with panic attack i m thinking about death all the time,Depression +38926,my whole life i ve dealt with the trifecta of depression anxiety and ocd i wa always functional with all disorder clocking in at maybe a 0 depression always felt like more of a chemical thing it wa never situationally based anxiety amp ocd were usually health related hypochondria i guess anyways i never knew episode existed i always just hovered at the same baseline then in 0 i had a severe panic attack after smoking some potent weed it really shook me and it sent me into what i guess would be my first episode it wa my first time experiencing dissociation and it terrified me i wa in a constant state of panic for month at the time i had been on lexapro for year my gp wa ill equipped to deal with this so she recommended a new doc for med big mistake new doc decided i should quit taking lexapro and switch to zoloft which perhaps would have worked if she had done it correctly instead of cross tapering or weaning off lexapro she decided to have me stop taking lexapro cold turkey wait a month until it wa out of my system and then start zoloft going cold turkey off lex wa a nightmare of biblical proportion and sent me further into the most intense depression and anxiety i d ever experienced after a hospital visit they suggested an outpatient program i agreed and there they got me back on the lexapro after a few more long month thing evened out i returned to a manageable baseline although the depression wa a tad higher because i could no longer self medicate with weed the experience ruined weed for me would immediately send me into panic mode but still thing were going well fast forward to january 0 and suddenly out of the blue i wake up one day super depressed no appetite couldn t sleep at night i wa so confused my first episode had a clear and obvious trigger panic attack ill advised cold turkey med change i d never had something like this happen with no trigger that s when i started to dig deeper and found out that episode exist this time i had a doc i trust added remeron which wa awesome at first felt better than i had in year wa sleeping and eating great for about 0 day then splat all that went away back to square one and i even developed tinnitus from the remeron so i nixed the remeron and we decided to switch from lexapro a well but the right way this time i did a seamless cross taper to effexor i m on my th week of it went from 0 my last day on the lexapro wa last friday which wa the day i did the increase to 0 thing have improved slightly def not where i wan na be tho i now know that episode can last anywhere from day to month or longer so i m trying to be patient it s tough tho eventually i may have to decide whether to increase effexor again or augment with something else an aa perhaps not sure what i meant to accomplish with this wall of text but if you read it kudos to you i guess i just wanted to document this strange journey maybe you ve been through something similar or know someone who ha maybe you can offer advice which i d welcome either way i hope whoever is reading this is doing well and i wish you all the best of luck in this thing called life,Depression +38927,update thanks for everyone s reply s and advice i signed up to private guitar class going to the first class this saturday again i would like to thank everyone for the advice,Depression +38928,i m my snap is bradenisacuck feel free to add me anyone,Depression +38929,i f 0 lb think i m having heart burn right now though i m not sure at around 00 today i suddenly started getting a weird chest pain it s not severe pain more like a mild dull stabbing pain that only last in certain position if i lay a certain way the chest pain will go away however i feel the pain a little bit in my left shoulder blade just for a few second i m worrying that i m having a heart attack i know that heart burn is associated with a burning sensation i wouldn t describe the pain a burning it s now 9 pm and i am still feeling this i tried to take a tum but tum are way too gross to me and i can t stomach them are there way to differentiate between a heart attack and heart burn anxiety is convincing me that i m having a heart issue even though i just got an echocardiogram done le than a week ago and it wa normal help please i would just be safe and go to the er but that cost so much money and i ve been to the er three time this year so far because of my health anxiety they re gon na end up banning me lol i should mention that i am on metoprolol currently for high heart rate due to severe anxiety if that mean anything,Depression +38930,so i m sure all of you who live with anxiety do have your good day like the bad crippling anxiety come in wave which it doe for me when it s bad my anxiety is looking for any reason to latch it s self onto and make me believe that whatever the reason is that s what make me feel like shit when i have my good day and that thought or issue come to mind i m unfazed it s really fuckn annoying and i feel like it could make me make decision that i will for sure regret why is the brain so damn powerful and why do i have to live with this year of always feeling like shit it ha ruined my quality of life i am very grateful for my family and friend and i am grateful that i ve always had a good life but man i think of all the family trip event party anything fun ruined by my anxiety and sickness that come with it i feel for everyone that ha to go through this i m sorry guy and i hope one day we can be truly happy,Depression +38931,i ve been having an on and off anxiety attack since pm it s now i ve been exhausted and so tired all day but not able to sleep due to the anxiety everytime i close my eye my anxiety spike and i start freaking out even though i can barely keep my eye open i ve taken hydroxozyne in the past half hour i don t know what to do i just wan na sleep i feel like cry any advice or help,Depression +38932,so i have bad anxiety and it s been over a year since i ve worked within this past week i ve gotten job interview one i went to but then after i left the place i wa so anxious i developed a migraine and i vomited in my car the second job interviewed i completely ignored and this third one this third interview which i have tomorrow is for a prep cook position but i m considering quitting that too my brain always find some reason to tell me to quit and when i ask for people advice on this job or that job the bad experience discourage me i wa looking forward to trying to be in the kitchen but people tell me it s not worth it it s 0 hour work week little pay and no benefit and plus i don t want to be a manager either i just want to do something for income that i actually kind of enjoy everyone ha something bad to say and that on top of my past horrible work experience i have zero confidence in myself or that any employee or employer i work for will be considerate and relatable and not a total asshole to work with i m a horrible waitress bc my anxiety make me forget order and sometimes forget about a table entirely yet do i want to be in a hot oily kitchen all day and be responsible for people meal it s a tough choice between misery and misery i m depressed about the 9 work week humanity ha created my goal is to grow and sell my own produce and i m a current gardener a it is and my major is agriculture any job for money seems like hell and miserable and i hate having to dedicate myself and my time to a dumb fuck slew of ceo and higher ups who only see you a a number will i ever get over this enough to get myself a job my god this is just miserable day in and day out,Depression +38933,i commute to uni on tuesday and thursday i drive my car to the train station park my car and hop on the train i am a super safe yet nervous driver i never got into an accident before however i overestimated how much room i had and came in at the wrong angle i did solely paint damage to the parked vehicle next to me and a pit formed in my stomach i pulled into the spot and stayed in a crippling state of shock for 0 minute in my car i wa shaking so badly tear were coming out but i wasn t producing any sound i called the police for a non emergency and filed a report i also left an apology note with my information in it tucked tightly underneath the woman s windshield wiper i then called my insurance and waited for the owner of the vehicle to call me to make a claim report she did call me when she got into her car and i expressed how sorry i wa and how i am looking to pay for her damage she wa very understanding and kind and told me not to worry about it she wa so touched that i wa truthful and did all of those measure a a lot of people would have just hit and run without any remorse i am going to call my insurance guy tomorrow to see what we can do the paint damage can easily be buffed out and she provided me reassurance i am still in my bed sick to my stomach over this i am a broke college student who fret and who life off of my saving from summer job my course load is heavy this year so i really can not work how do i calm the hell down ha anybody ever accidentally hit someone before how did it turn out for you tldr did paint damage to a parked car this morning in my train station s parking lot attempting to catch the train to go to uni this morning left me so disgusted that i needed to stay home and miss school i just hate that i unintentionally and accidentally inflicted this on someone my car ha paint that can be buffed out too i really don t care about my car at this point,Depression +38934,hey guy i wanted to throw this out there and see if any of you would be interested i m looking to start a group zoom meeting for people with anxiety depression bipolar etc it s going to be totally free we can share our story meet up once a week and just talk about how we are doing our feeling really anything to vent you can use fake or real name doesn t matter i will also be approving people to join so i make sure they are real people would anyone be interested in this i know some people can can t afford therapy so i feel like this will also be good for those who can t,Depression +38935,been sat for minute listening to breathing apps and doing dare mediation it really exhausting,Depression +38936,doe anyone else feel their anxiety lower when they re living in a busy home i m not sure if it s because i wa raised in a crowded home so it gave me a distraction from my worrying but now our home is about to get bigger and i m thrilled about it i always found comfort in knowing there s always someone in the house and i ll never have to be alone,Depression +38937,i ve had this ever since i wa young and now that i m in my adult year i feel like i m running out of time i m still at home and i feel stuck i can t hold down a job i ve lost over job let alone my therapist keep telling me to be compassionate towards myself but it s so hard i just want to be normal be happy my panic attack are bothering me lately more than ever and idk how to help it,Depression +38938,hey guy i currently need some help figuring out what to do recently i ve been feeling a lot of anxiety it started a week ago when my spring break wa ending and the night before leaving for school i started having major anxiety i am a little worried about school i guess but i know i m good with grade and will be fine till the end of the semester but still i just felt this major anxiety like an aching in my chest and couldn t sleep the whole night when i got back to school i thought everything would be fine but around or 9 pm i started getting that feeling again like i wa panicking and having a tightness in my chest that wouldn t go away i don t think i wa even thinking about anything at the time to cause it that night i didn t fall asleep till or in the morning even during the day sometimes i ll start getting that same anxious feeling but it s ha been consistently happening every night around the same time and i have trouble falling asleep i m in a good place in my life i have friend and family who care about me and i m doing well in school but i can t shake this anxiety i m having any advice would be great,Depression +38939,i ve been prescribed setraline a an anti depressant but i m beginning to have serious anxiety of the side effect especially the mental one i don t want to start taking them to relieve my anxiety and depression and then become suicidal my anxiety is making me think it will happen to me and i ve read so many story of people becoming suicidal because of taking setraline is there any advice anyone can think of to alleviate my worry,Depression +38940,slept for about two hour woke up with my mind racing again couldn t eat dinner due to stomach pain from anxiety just want to quit work and start somewhere new again but it s not possible and will probably end up with the same issue i just wish i could restart everyday and fix every mistake of what i say and do can t keep living this way but i don t see how i can change the cycle i feel like i bring everyone around me down why am i like this i just want to turn my brain off,Depression +38941,i know i ve already started this off pretty negative but i acknowledge that over the year i ve made a lot of progress with social anxiety i do thing now that i never thought i d be able to do presentation networking event planning hosting party however every time i do any of these thing or even small thing like having to run a work meeting i feel physically anxious my heart pound and i start doubting myself and my hand shake and i have to push through it because there s not usually another option i ve gotten better at it for sure and i m proud of that but sometimes it really just chip away at me i m about to cry tonight over something so minuscule that i ll probably look back on it in a few week and say wow that wa a dumb thing to worry about because that is what always happens i ve probably wasted day of my life just worrying about thing that didn t end up being worthy of that much worry i overthink thing so much and i just wish i could turn it off so badly to so many people now i appear to be this leader that ha shit together but in reality i struggle quietly with the most basic thing and i just feel so embarrassed sometimes i just wish i could turn off the social anxiety it get so frustrating,Depression +38942,hey there everyone one of my biggest symptom ha been an extremely tight chest which seems to come over randomly for about 0 0 min sometimes longer and make everything terrible i ve been trying to find some solution that can help relieve this or maybe any tip going forward nothing seems to work so far except waiting them out which ha been exceptionally hard especially in bed i also would like to mention that i have a hormone imbalance a well i m not sure if the chest tightness is from that or the anxiety or both thanks,Depression +38943,guy help i really need your opinion im a person who can overthink fromca simple thing just like now i feel bad for them my terrkr teach ask my friend and it take a minute so i decided to help but she got a wrong answer and i feel bad because i give a wrong answer do you think she hate me or mad at me gmfor giving a wrong answer because our terror teacher scold her but i dont know if she is mad at me but on our gc she just commenting on how she wa scared like that and i dont know if she mad st me,Depression +38944,it s tuesday evening and i haven t been able to fall asleep in a few day because i can not stop replaying a sequence of event at work from last week i talked it out with my coworkers and i know that i wa in the right there wa nothing i could have done to get a better result and it s ok everything s cool let s move forward with our life k i would love for it to be that easy but that squishy asshole between my ear ha a very different perspective on the matter so we can t move forward we haven t earned that yet we have to spend an indeterminate amount of time meticulously dismantling and examining every minute detail of the incident my action and the reaction of everyone else involved buckle up and grab a barf bag folk it s about to get real whenever i have even a tiny stretch of free time the film reel in my head alternate between warp speed and slow motion depending on circumstance and timing every minute or so my brain get the ball rolling with really all the thing you could have done and that wa how you handled it idiot followed up with whoa you ve got nothing to worry about bae you handed that shit like a champ before circling back to what the fuck is wrong with you why why would you do something so heinously ridiculous this is why nobody want to be around you this shit right here and after that we get another no don t listen to that mess you are entitled to occupy space on this planet without apoligizing for your own existence but then that s hilarious see how far that attitude get you tomorrow after everyone ha had time to think about what happened and they realize what an immature out of touch self centered asshole you are have fun dying alone and unremembered and then every few minute the pattern repeat itself in an infinite loop of madness half assed self justification and shame this can go on for day sometimes week or month but it never permanently stop sometimes a certain song a smell a facebook memory or a half heard remark from across the room will launch my as back in time to tear myself to shred over an instance that ha been dead buried and forgotten by the rest of the human race except for me lather rinse repeat go fuck yourself wave of abject misery and self loathing interspersed with flash of contentment that might occasionally brighten thing up but it never really stop or get any better the best i can really hope for is the drop off in frequency that occurs after a few week or ideally i might forget about the incident entirely until i get hit with a trigger again at least,Depression +38945,what do you guy think will this finally change my life buspasfar mg day escitalopram 0mg bupropion 0,Depression +38946,my anxiety affect my life but it s not debilitating for me like it is for others i get panic attack very rarely my brain is never quiet though it s always going and cycling around thought even when i m trying to let them go i see my dog and feel happy then my brain immediately say what if he died though and it show me what that would look like stupid thing like that i also have ibs that worsens with stress i guess i wa just wondering if anyone out there ha tried any med even though they can deal with their symptom and if it helped i m a bit worried about side effect but if i could just live without having to ob over thing and feel defensive all the time that would be pretty amazing i will ask my doctor of course but wanted to hear from others in my situation,Depression +38947,ahhhhhhhhhhhhh,Depression +38948,being an adult fuckin suck lol i m just gon na say that i m and i ve been on and off homeless since i wa me and my family don t talk at all and i m ina point in my life we re i have my own home a full time job and i m doin better but sometimes it feel like i m all alone and that i should be happy in the situation i m in now i have no reason to feel depressed i think at least my fianc said she notice my change since i started working day a week 0 hour a week idk i guess i m just rambling it s just sometimes i wish i had my mom again or my sister or someone to tell me hey man i love you it s all gon na work out and give me a hug ya know life is stressful trying to be successful and independent since ha made me mature and grow in different aspect don t get me wrong but i want my family s love back i wan na feel included and not alone ya know and i m sorry if this post is irrelevant i m super anxious right now and don t know how to contain myself,Depression +38949,hello if anyone listens that s okay but it s okay if not i just have to vent because i m so anxious and a little depressed i have anxiety and take medication for it recently i ve been getting interview for job that i am unsure about i m basically just applying to everything i will have a bachelor degree in education but i will not have a teaching license a i have decided i do not want to teach in a classroom student teaching wa not a good experience i have no idea what my purpose in life is i don t have much money but i used a lot of it to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring i love her more than anything i m just so terrified i ll be a failure and won t be able to support her i just want a decent paying job where my anxiety doesn t get in the way i ve gotten some offer but they are all sale position and i just don t want to work for a company that is essentially a revolving door my anxiety lately is crippling me i ate nothing yesterday today is a little better but i don t know what to do with myself i want to cry i m a year old male and i don t care i want to cry and i have i feel so far behind everyone else i just want to be a normal person i m worried my anxiety will cause me to lose everything i love in life my girlfriend is beyond supportive but i know my mental health ha had an impact on her a she is in nursing school idk why i came here i feel alone and isolated and have to vent i feel like i m dying inside im so great when my anxiety isn t there to screw it up it s like i m a shell of my self right now,Depression +38950,some backstory i have crohn s disease but am currently in remission so physically and health wise i ve been doing well the combination of medication that i m on seem to be doing their job and overall i feel pretty good so over the last year and a half or so i ve developed this awful anxiety habit of being terrified that i m suddenly going to get sick and need to shit and not be able to find a bathroom when i m out and about and it s taken a toll on my everyday life i can not leave the house for work in the morning without returning the bathroom sometimes more time before i finally work up the courage to get out the door because i m terrified that somewhere along my minute commute i m going to feel the urge and not be able to get to a bathroom fast enough the thing is if i m just at home all day i likely will only have to shit probably once but if i even think about leaving the house i instantly have to go to the bathroom if i have plan i have to schedule my day around how much time im going to need to spend in the bathroom before i can leave i have to feel like i ve emptied out a much a possible before i can get in the car i don t even hang out with friend or date anybody anymore because the stress of this situation is just too much taking my kid to the beach or the park ugh if i m not 00 positive there will be a public restroom available there we aren t going and i hate that it s not only affecting me but thing like that are and will continue to affect my daughter if i don t get a grip on it soon another example of this is i have the opportunity to send her to a much better school and one of the thing that s holding me back is i m terrified of what morning drop off will look like that i don t think there s bathroom available for parent to access during those time the business around the school aren t open that early to access it start earlier so i ll have to leave earlier to drop her off thus leaving me le time to sit on the toilet before we head out etc etc it feel so stupid but to me it s so real i don t even know how to really put it all into word the anxiousness i feel about it it s such a weird thing that i don t really know how to talk to anyone about because i ve never met someone else with this kind of issue doe anyone else struggle with this i feel like i don t even remember what life felt like before i developed this weird anxiety around it my life feel like it revolves around knowing where the bathroom is sorry for the long post this wa kind of a looking for support asking for help needing to vent post thanks for reading if you got this far sorry i rambled on a bit i don t even know where to start,Depression +38951,i ve been having a lot of thought of am i going crazy surely i must be going crazy i know derealization is just an anxiety symptom but i want to just hear if others experience the same thing and i m constantly worried this will result in psychosis like it s a fear that i don t want to end up in a mental hospital or go crazy,Depression +38952,a friend of mine gave me feedback about something and it came off a harsh and being a sensitive person it really bothered me then i wa so upset i sobbed a few different time over the last few day then all of the sudden i called them and talked about it and told them how i felt and then i felt vibrant energetic and super enthusiastic this behavior kind of scare me should it i ve suffered from bad anxiety since i wa and i m now,Depression +38953,i started therapy for the panic attack that i ve been having it s definitely helped and my therapist recommended that i d benefit from having a medication to take a needed he thought this would help me continue to push the boundary that trigger the panic and that those exposure would help resolve thing he s a sole practitioner and a lcsw i made the appointment with my regular doctor who told me that even with the therapist recommendation he wouldn t write a prescription for a controlled substance and i needed to see a psychiatrist i didn t know these drug were controlled another month pass by while i wait for the psychiatrist appointment hour and 0 later they tell me the same thing they will only prescribe something that i take every day i don t want to take daily medication and my therapist seems to think that s not the best choice i m not a doctor and am just trying to do the best i can to get better am i asking for something crazy is there a medication that isn t controlled that i could ask for or reference i m trying really hard to get out of my comfort zone and get thing back to normal both for me and for my family i feel like a drug seeker now and am embarrassed to go see another psychiatrist i m not sure what i m supposed to do next,Depression +38954,doe anyone else have issue with being dizzy and light headed even feeling weak constantly i ve been this way for about week now and it just make my anxiety even worse it like a never ending death cycle,Depression +38955,i woke up feeling fine earlier wa tired drank a lot of coffee and no water get home drink a few sip of water and take a nap woke up with dryish throat this dude wa coughing at work tho not coworker and i wa gon na ask him to cover his damn mouth could he have gotten me sick unless i need more water,Depression +38956,i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me maybe i m only good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage,Depression +38957,hi i suffer from mild anxiety not many physical symptom anybody ha tip to deal with anxiety that aren t in the stay positive realm usually the help i find online is about staying positive however that is not my mindset i think life is not meant to be positive always and i genuinely believe it s bad for mental health to try and see the bright side of any situation negative feeling are just meant to be lived thru at the same time i know my brain lie to me about people disliking me about sounding like a fool about my future the most tricky part is that i also can t stop thinking about the truly awful stuff mostly about the world being a terrible place the stay positive people can not tell me the bright side of my shoe being made thru human exploitation in a remote country you know how can i be happy knowing there s all this pain in the world,Depression +38958,i ve been pretty bloated the past few day happens a lot working on finding out the cause whenever i eat a meal my belly boost up and my heart rate sits at like 0 for around half an hour until thing start to deflate i m currently in the hospital for a completely unrelated surgical stay and it make my anxiety even worse because to the nurse it look worrying i think most of them have realized it s not an actual heart issue it happens so often and i ve had many ecg that were fine it doesn t help that having my pulse tested also cause my right to shoot up just hoping to hear i m not alone i guess haha,Depression +38959,a month ago my friend group dropped me because the past few month have been tiring after a situation that involved my crush i kept bothering them about it and it wa just not the same after that i understand where they where coming from though a of right now we re just mutuals we talk in class sometimes and wave to each other in the hallway and smile no drama or anything happened but one person kinda told everyone we ended on good term which im glad happened now i hang out with my other friend we are a trio and we have each other s back nothing is awkward we just vibe with each other let call them em and ki ki is a very friendly person if one of u ha a dislike towards someone she would still talk to them cause shes good with them and they have no drama yesterday ki wa invited to lunch by my ex friend they have been talking and getting closer today in the corner of my eye i see them playing imessage game and just texting each other honestly im just worried that shell hang out with them more often and ill be alone for lunch i am not in charge of who she hang out with i don t mind at all if they re friend she said that our friend group is kind of her main lunch friend group so we hang out like most of the time she said if my ex friend kept inviting her she would probably go maybe a few time i honestly don t know why im worried im overthinking and stressing out a lot right now ive always been like this im afraid to be alone,Depression +38960,a couple week ago i contracted covid and got it pretty bad for a few day there it caused a big flare up of anxiety for me a i am a heavy cannabis and nicotine smoker and i couldn t give them up while dealing with covid and inevitably the smoking made it worse and played into my anxiety for background i have been managing anxiety fairly well for the past or year with habitual cannabis smoking but sometime in the week i had covid a switch wa flicked and smoking instantly made me more anxious i went to the doctor and have been prescribed seroquel in the morning and evening same with diazepam plus zoloft in the morning i m wondering if this sound like the proper response to deal with this flare up or do you think my doctor is going down the wrong path he doe know my history with anxiety and explained the mechanic of dealing with the anxiety first and then dealing with smoking and told me that i should keep on smoking even though it put me in a vicious cycle so a to not have to deal with withdrawal at the same time a the anxiety he booked me an appointment for two week time to review how thing are working but made no mention of referring me to anything external or anything to do with cbt,Depression +38961,my dad life 000 mile away from me a well a the rest of my family he s an alcoholic kind of emotional abusive and kicked me out when i wa after my mom died he said some pretty horrible thing to me when he did that but i ve blocked them out so i don t remember really he doesn t really reach out very much due to being blackout drunk off and on a lot but when he doe i get so anxious to answer his call that i don t do it and i just text him instead or don t answer i m worried it make him sad and drink more my sister ha said in the past he resents that i left them back home and moved on with my life i already feel guilty about leaving them my younger sibling so that hurt to hear it s not just my dad though i don t keep up with my grandparent anymore i m worried they re going to die they re kind of old and i m going to regret not talking to them more often mostly my grandma i regret not spending more time with my mom i have multiple younger sibling one of which is underage and ha autism i feel guilty that i don t call them brother and sister and worry that they resent me for leaving and i don t understand why it s so hard for me to just pick up the phone once a week and call these people the only person i talk to often is my sister what is wrong with me why is it so hard scary anxious for me to talk to them yet i feel so guilty by not doing so it s very tiring i know i need to go to therapy but i don t have insurance and can t really afford it also i don t keep in touch with friend which make me sad since my only friend is my partner really i am very family oriented and i love spending time with my sibling when i visit,Depression +38962,so i have a disabling chronic illness last year i went through some pretty severe stuff almost starved to death because my stomach doesn t work properly and won t digest food had to be hospitalized and have a permenant feeding tube placed etc that s just backstory that might be relevant but honestly i m not sure i have this overwhelming anxiety any time anything slightly untword happens to my partner it s particularly unmanageable when it come to them feeling physically unwell i have no idea why this happens it s something i ve experienced in other very close relationship a well but it s not everyone not even everyone i care very deeply about it s super weird and i have no idea where it s coming from but i need it to stop because i want to be supportive and i can t do that if my partner know i m fighting down a lot of anxiety just to talk about them feeling like they might be coming down with a tiny cold the anxiety can even bleed into feeling of anger or frustration which i hate even more because who get angry about something like that am i just a bad person how do i cope with this in a way that doesn t negate their experience by requiring them to constantly tell me nothing is wrong or that everything is fine but also not going off the deep end and feeling crazy with fear just because they might be experiencing discomfort,Depression +38963,i read about someone who couldn t stop thinking about breathing and other people who were stuck manual breathing which terrifies me i have massive chronic health ptsd now i m constantly thinking about it and i don t think i breath correctly when i manual breath which make me short of breath and lightheaded and drive my anxiety higher when i get distracted i pop out of it really can only get distracted at work sometimes it get better but then when somehow i remember it just go right back to bad breathing please any tip,Depression +38964,i m a y o man who is extremely active and an amateur power lifter i wa getting very strong in the gym and i looked forward to it everyday i had an incident with a crazy strong panic attack last december and i wa out of the gym for month while they did test on my heart just to rule out that it wasn t anything serious i ve been back in the gym for a while now and i m getting my strength back but the anxiety isn t going away at all i ve started heavily focusing on my heartbeat and when it go up i freak obviously in the gym this will happen but i keep associating it with a medical emergency any advice on how to help get over this so i can get back to the pastime i love in full force,Depression +38965,i feel like this is a flawed perspective i m having but sometimes it s hard to take the day off like to just relax and lay in bed for a day without guilt that can be hard for me but i feel like in a way im making it hard for myself by putting so much thought into it rather then actually just doing it,Depression +38966,ive been out of work for about a year and tomorrow i have my first hour shift i have to be on my foot for most of the day and am still in the process of learning what i need to do and the worst part is i will be there alone for the last hour of my shift im super anxious about this a i haven t worked an hour shift in a year or more and i wasn t super good at handling them back then either any tip for getting through longer shift with anxiety and fear of failing or getting in trouble somehow,Depression +38967,so i got my mirena removed last month on the th because of it having a bad effect on my mental health i had it in for a little over year i knew getting it out id probably experience the mirena crash i wa fine up until today when i got my first period i ve had very intense anxiety depression all day today to the point where i can t even leave my house i m guessing it s the shift in hormone and everything considering it s been 0 year since i ve been birth control free did anyone else experience this super low mood after removal i ve also just been feeling very out of body today and very exhausted,Depression +38968,i m having a severe anxiety episode right now i can t focus i feel like i m going crazy and like i m going to pas out please help,Depression +38969,i guess i just need to vent too i m a timid and shy person with social anxiety i m afraid of what people think of me i m afraid of being judged negatively i m afraid of being rejected im afraid of taking my mask off in class in fear of catfishing today i didn t have my mask on for a split second and went to the bathroom to throw something away i see classmate and i immediately froze and walked out before they could even say hi they probably think i hate them now i couldn t even think it s like my body moved itself i did take my mask off without thinking once and the lady complimented me on how pretty i wa i wa so shocked i know i m not ugly and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but i still can t help but feel ugly i m afraid of speaking up and asking question i cant make eye contact with people bc i m scared i might see disgust in their eye i m scared of applying for certain job bc i m afraid i won t be able to do it so i settle for the easiest and worst retail job im afraid for my career in design bc i feel like i won t be able to sell myself to people im afraid of talking to people bc i ll stumble over my word i m afraid of falling in love for fear of being left and if i do fall in love it ll turn into obsession and infatuation from fear of them leaving cheating growing up i ve had to deal with domestic abuse violence when it came to my parent my father wa quite the bully always saying i couldn t do anything hell that man ha never said a nice thing in his life in middle school i ve dealt with rejection and it wa quite painful and other teen asking me out a a joke i spent the rest of highschool in online school so i never really got to experience that vital part of life i ve been in therapy for year on and off but it just didn t work for me talking about my shitfuck dad all day doesnt help with my fear how can i stop this fear that ha taken over my life,Depression +38970,i ve been woth my boyfriend for two year now but i ve known him for he get triggered fairly fast and he end up feeling anxious for hour or he get very intense anxiety attack where he can t breathe well and he start cry uncontrollably the first thing i used to do when i sense that he s getting anxious wa give him a hug or even just hold his hand physical touch seemed to help him so much it immediately calmed him down and he would be able to talk about what wa making him feel scared or overwhelmed or threatened however we re now in a long distance relationship and i haven t seen him in a year it s very difficult for both of u but this specifically make it unbearable at time we both know that we ll see each other soon but saying that doesn t help when he s anxious what should i do,Depression +38971,asking because i m not sure and it just happened yesterday so the memory is still fresh from what i ve learned panic attack can make people genuinely believe they re dying or like their throat is closing up but i don t get that feeling for me i feel like i can t get enough air and that every time i have to take a deep breath but taking slow breath is really hard and near impossible sometimes and when i do try to breathe normal or deep breath i get dizzy like the act of taking in the air make my head spin causing me to feel more uncomfortable and disoriented i ll also get racing thought centered around how people interact with me will want to talk to me have spoken to me how i m a failure how people would be better off not knowing me how i ve fucked up in the past and so on when i get those thought it get really hard to slow them down and breathe yesterday when it happened i wa literally just in bed hugging my pillow really tightly because of the stress trying to focus on the music but it took roughly 0min 0min before i fully calmed down is this normal is this a panic attack or something else even though i didn t believe i wa dying or felt like my throat wa closing up if this is a panic attack how the fuck am i supposed to stop it or help it deep breath don t help meditation make it a thousand time worse trying grounding technique make it worse too knowing i don t have trick to end it make me feel worse during it,Depression +38972,for the past few day i ve been dealing with extreme bout of anxiety i feel anxious all day nausea all day and i cant seem to stop thinking about negative thought i ve been dealing with a lot of ups and down regarding school and romantic relationship i keep skipping school because my anxiety is way too high i dont know how to calm it down i want to see a psychologist but right now it very hard to get to see one so i ll need all any advice you have thank you,Depression +38973,nothing freak me out more then when i get that stabbing pain in my chest i m it s my anxiety all my test are good i am healthy dr said many i have inflammation in my chest but reading in here that other people get chest pain to helped me pea together that it s my anxiety i ve had anxiety my whole like started getting medicine for it year ago med work at first then stop i just took a fast acting pill bc the anxiety wa so bad it s hard to focus but i try and distracted myself by reading i just want a normal day,Depression +38974,so earlier i wa on a run and some kid were playing football behind me one of them accidentally kicked the ball in my direction i could hear him getting closer behind me and i had a sort of intrusive worry that he might kick the ball at me or something a soon a i stopped worrying about it i realised how irrational it wa but i then started to worry that it wa seemingly a paranoid thought and could be a sign of my mental health getting worse can anyone relate to thought similar to this,Depression +38975,i had a panic attack on my way to a meditation group because i wa heavily triggered today i wa so embarrassed i wa driving and my husband wa in the passenger seat and i almost crashed the car i am so ashamed of myself and i feel so helpless i feel like im getting worse even though i m fighting so hard to get better i started therapy and i began this mediation group and still im sinking deeper and deeper because i wa triggered i feel like i hate myself and i just want to give up,Depression +38976,hello im currently and ive only ever driven on the freeway once wa on for like a minute before i got scared and got off if for any reason i have to use it i ask a friend to take me or i get an uber instead driving in general ha always been scary for me but the freeway is the bane of my existence i feel like at my age it becoming a problem plus it just kind of embarrassing to admit to other people my age haha especially if im asking for a ride if anyone else ha had this problem please let me know what you did to overcome it thank you,Depression +38977,my girlfriend ha suffered some serious trauma in the past and suffers from pretty serious anxiety and sometimes depression now she also ha a problem where when she go out with friend she always black out and then feel very anxious and depressed for multiple day after she blacked out again last night after assuring me she wouldn t even drink and now say that sometimes she doesn t know if i m real or if she s real i just don t know how to handle this a it s become a huge burden on our relationship and i m especially concerned now that she mentioned these symptom of depersonalization,Depression +38978,so i have struggled with anxiety and depression due to complex ptsd since i wa young i f went to counseling for year in my teen and also medically managed my disorder with medication i am still taking a hefty dose of an ssri and have been maintaining my anxiety and depression fairly well while going through college transitioning to adulthood i recently in the past day have started having uncontrollable anxiety that ha led into the worst panic attack i ve had in over 0 year i wa so worked up that i brought myself to the er for help because i wa so scared and eventually exhausted myself out in the waiting room i m am still having serious anxiety and have managed to be functional but with how high my anxiety level are i could be back in the state i wa yesterday and i don t want to do that my current plan is to set myself up with a new therapist to get help and to discus my medication with my doctor unfortunately that can t happen overnight so i m the meantime i am asking for your advice on coping mechanism way to calm yourself down or out of a panic attack i normally use rational thought to try and bring myself down walking outside will help a bit deep breathes listening to music meditation etc these haven t been working recently and i m looking to learn amp find newer tactic in the short term while finding professional help i know that what is triggering this is a large life transition coming up and it s not something that s going away any time soon so i can t just avoid it to reduce my anxiety thank you,Depression +38979,i worry a lot about thing like getting into a car crash getting cancer and just anything bad happening to me any advice on hot to stop this it s bad,Depression +38980,but i still look at them everyday and overthink for hour,Depression +38981,thinking of starting it i have bad anxiety and think i have situational depression what s everyone s favorite medication and why i m nervous to start something for fear i ll gain weight or lose my sex drive something that doesn t usually cause that would be ideal,Depression +38982,i am year old junior in college i have multiple problem that i need to address to start i have gotten carried away with smoking weed i have been using it almost everyday since i wa and i can no longer control it im always buying it when i can t always afford it i spend a good amount of my time at home smoking weed or using thc product i have also been drinking a lot more than i used to and i have even picked up a nicotine habit from my friend i am not doing a well in school a i should be and i really need to be more proactive and motivated but i feel no motivation some day to even do anything school related i havent been eating well a lot of day been eating a lot of fast food and skipping meal some day there are night where i barely get enough sleep because i end up staying up most of the night being on my phone watching tv or playing video game i have set goal for myself that i want to workout more build myself up and eat better but i never stick to them i feel very anxious and depressed a lot of the time with the only relief i have felt come from hanging out and talking with friend i have some really great friend that i am very close with and a wonderful family that would do anything for me but i can t help but feel alone i feel a great need for companionship and i have been trying to get into a relationship for a long time going from one person to the next but nothing ever becoming of it and we become stranger again it ha taken away a lot of my energy and exhausted my motivation and drive me further into my loneliness and add to my anxiety i have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past several month talking and going out with multiple girl not at the same time and it ending the same i just feel a void in my life some day and lately i have been spending a lot of time around friend to try and fill that void more than i usually do which could also contribute to me spending le time on school and a lot of other important thing i have barely been home in the past week because i wa with friend i feel completely empty and hopeless somedays and feel like my life is over i see others living their best life exciting thing happening having opportunity connection with others is just natural to them and just having a great time with life and then there s me who wish i could be that way but i know i am different than them and no one will ever see me like that i will always be by myself wherever i go and i used to be such a happy child excited for life not afraid to dream big and wonder about the future and just live in the moment but thing happened that turned me into what i am today i feel like a shell of who i could have been and that my younger self would be dissapointed in me i wish i could go back to when i wa about and not taken it for granted and go through life again with what i know now some day i really do not like the person i am turning into i do not thing that i am doing what s best for myself mentally physically and emotionally i feel like i m on a treadmill walking through life but not actually getting anywhere while watching everyone else pas me by i really need to break out of this mindset and change my life around if i am going to survive in this world and live the good and happy life that i always wanted and not a wasted life,Depression +38983,for context im a 0 year old over all physically healthy person i wa diagnosed with bipolar ii when i wa i have never been medicated other than the first month of my diagnosis i quit taking the medicine after that month now a day i am pretty confident in my ability to control my bipolar tendency i know my body warning sign for mania a well a for the low i know how to be proactive and aware of my situation despite all of this i have begun having panic attack i have made an appointment with my doctor so i can discus all of my medical worry and to hopefully weed out any physical issue i may be experiencing the first time i had what i think is a panic attack wa back in september i wa in nashville with some friend for the weekend and on one of our day i actually collapsed in a cafe after feeling extreme nausea dizziness and anxiety up until recently i thought it may have something to do with me being malnourished or dehydrated now im not too sure the second one that come to mind is when i wa snowboarding back in february and ended up almost collapsing in the middle of the day vision and nausea were terrible my most recent one wa yesterday simply sitting at a red light in an intersection what started with me feeling nervous about being nausea quickly spiraled into me feeling dizzy and panicky again and of course the cry is uncontrollable i guess im just now wondering if i am sick or if all of this is panic i am scared i am worried i have a trip coming up later this year where i will be flying and i do not want to panic at the airport or hour from home i think i need advice and insight sending my love to all of those struggling with this terrible terrible problem im very thankful for any advice anyone may have,Depression +38984,i keep having anxiety in the shower sometimes i can manage through but i had to shave and take a little extra time my usual anxious thought about a million way to die i swear i could have written the script to the movie and why i m terrified of the unkniwn waved over me and i pushed through the shower a fast a i could got out and instantly took a full pill of my clonazepam mg now i m sitting here about minute later still half anxious struggling to even right this a my brain is going into shut down mode i still have to make dinner but my husband may be tasked with it tonight which i know he won t complain or think anything of it but it make me feel like a bad wife i went almost month with little to no anxiety until about week ago and now i feel like i m right back to where i wa it s been two year and i m so ungodly tired of this i m tired of being good for a couple year then being thrown back into anxiety panic attack i m tired of deciding that not feeling at all is better than participating in living c,Depression +38985,not sure if anyone else ha this issue it seems like notification and txts give me major anxiety i ll put off responding to anyone including family and then it just becomes this mountain in my mind to the point where it s been a month since my family texted me for my birthday and i still haven t responded to most of them this ha destroyed friendship for me too i feel like we all have to be available to text back with smartphones and social medium and i can not deal with that doe anyone have any suggestion to help i just feel lost,Depression +38986,i don t know how i can feel this horrible and unable to breathe so badly and this only be anxiety i genuinely feel like i m going to pas out and i have nothing to be anxious about is this really what anxiety feel like i can t take a deep breath this is so awful,Depression +38987,i haven t had a set therapist for a year now and a much a i want to find a new one i am too scared to do so my insomnia is on the rise again and i really want someone to talk to about it my school ha an off site database for therapist that i can talk to but i guess i am just too afraid to do it i question whether they d be suitable for my case or not anxious about their technique and if i will have the same connection with them just like my previous therapist i had my previous therapist for year and it took me a year to finally open up i want to do it but i am too afraid if i don t like them i feel like i would just stay because i would not have the courage to leave,Depression +38988,i ve been going to therapy on and off for year to help me with anxiety depression and difficult life event i m trying to learn tool on my own to educate myself i m aware of self care and coping strategy but i m having a hard time with self awareness of my own anxiety symptom and trigger doe anyone recommend any resource to learn in this area thank you,Depression +38989,i ve been going to therapy on and off for year to help me with anxiety depression and difficult life event i m trying to learn tool on my own to educate myself i m aware of self care and coping strategy but i m having a hard time with self awareness of my own anxiety symptom and trigger doe anyone recommend any resource to learn in this area thank you,Depression +38990,i wa at work today and suddenly felt really really sleepy for no reason i do feel sleepy sometimes but this wa like extreme sleepiness brain fog ish feeling that i haven t experienced at all which of course made me little bit anxious luckily my ha is more manageable now a i know how to handle it the sleepiness fatigue lasted for like 0 0 min and then i wa fine when i got home i m yo healthy male and the only thing i suffer from is pollen allergy p wa really proud of myself that i didn t panic at that moment cuz i would definitely panicked when my ha wa really bad,Depression +38991,convinced myself when i take it in they will be annoyed at me and judge me for it not working nothing physically broken that i can see really just need someone to tell me not to overthink it if you re retail yourself that s a bonus,Depression +38992,hi i 9f just applied to become the disability rep for one of the society at my uni this is kind of a big deal for me since i ve never really interacted outside of the bubble of maybe 0 people in total of my year and did not visit any of the society meetups but with the way the application are looking they re letting just about anyone in several people who happen to be my friend are also applying for other position and i know it might just be our little bubble but i am so very proud of myself for doing something i have never done before i got diagnosed with anxiety and depression just very recently and i had to take the rest of the year off from uni so yeah this is a big thing for me omg,Depression +38993,so basically we re getting evicted we have like a month or to move out and we found a house we wanted but we haven t gotten the application for the house i m for some context so i could obviously live with my dad for a while but i m scared thing won t workout and we won t get the house or our landlord will say something bad about u so we can t get the house or we ll lose money my anxiety and worry about this is really bad and i don t wan na talk to my mom about my worry because i feel like she s stressed enough,Depression +38994,so my psych put me on klonopin to take for the one i have at night and upped my dose of lexapro i don t have particular trigger the attack just happen anywhere and at anytime so if klonopin is an a needed short term medicine i don t know if it s going to help me in the long run if my attack don t stop ha this med ever helped you and what else do you take do that help you,Depression +38995,how doe your anxiety manifest itself when you are having severe anxiety,Depression +38996,hi all me again i ve f experienced a barrage of unfavorable stressful event since the beginning of 0 this ha created a constant baseline of lingering anxiety it s not subtle i am no longer able to function normally due to the chronic flight or fight response physical symptom include sweating tight chest and a pumping stomach adrenaline overload i can t perform simple task without losing my breath sleep is important to me yet i have an overhanging feeling of dread when going to bed sometimes i can sleep smoothly other time it s a war my main form of peace and solace ha become my enemy my doctor recommended i start on lexapro again – something that i had taken during my college day to cope with severe test anxiety by day it created a serotonin fueled brain overload my symptom intensified by a magnitude of 00 i wa unable to sleep for hour it caused me to pas out at work and chat with onsite medic my psychiatrist told me to stop the lexapro i wa instead given 0 mg propranolol taken twice daily and 0 mg hydroxyzine to help me fall asleep i wa also given 0 mg trazodone to knock myself out if needed but i only felt that i had to take this the first night to force reboot my body wa terrified of going into psychosis if i went another night with zero sleep i m at a loss everything is hard i m seeing a therapist to cope i m scared of losing my job it s physically and intellectually demanding but brain machine broke and i m unable to properly focus i m scared of having to move all the way back home because of my instability i often find myself wondering if this is a life worth living it doesn t help that i live alone in the middle of nowhere i ll use this thread to update my progress i know lot of folk are going through this keeping people informed of treatment and whatnot that may help them in turn is one of the small piece of hope that i m holding onto during these uncertain time much love thetipsyalchemist,Depression +38997,i ve lost over at least job because of my mental illness maybe i should just focus on counseling and my medication for now and stop pushing myself to take job that i m clearly not ready for i m 9 year old and i can t even keep a job i feel like a complete waste of time and energy please someone tell me that it s gon na be ok and that i m doing the right thing should i just quit or should i keep fighting for the job i dunno,Depression +38998,i m feeling so bad i can t function anymore and will probably be hospitalised but i got a message from a teacher saying i wa missing too many class and referring me to the school s psychologist what can i do,Depression +38999,i m i want to look for a job that would be good for someone with anxiety i struggle with anxiety which isn t even bad it s the symptom like blushing and sweating that i absolutely hate i feel like right now it s easy to find a job but i m just worried about it making my anxiety symptom worse and people noticing,Depression +39000,hello all i m getting married in a few month and my anxiety is at an all time high i love my fiance he s kind caring supportive and so much more but i am freaking out about taking a big step i wa married previously and it didn t work out i know this time is different but i can t help but to be nervous about the whole thing i love hom so much and i can t picture my life without him i want it to work any advice on how to deal with anxiety and unpleasant feeling thanks,Depression +39001,i have a friend in another country who ha no one to turn to and is battling anorexia otherwise alone for the past month she s in a bad and worsening physical and mental state low key suicidal but ha the option of a stay in a treatment clinic however she s scared and ha all these reservation about going it s in a different city a train ride away for one thing she s an adult and there s no one who is able to arrange it for her i can t do it or i would family being no help no friend around her either this is new territory for me i m learning a much a i can about this illness but i don t know how to proceed here i want to urge her to make the phonecall all the time but i don t want her to feel pressured and shut down i m scared to even ask her if she s done it yet she talk about feeling worthless and undeserving of treament she question whether she s even that thin she is along with a bunch of other symptom she s a textbook case and she talk like she s ready to give up even though help is within reach what do i do,Depression +39002,idk who need to hear this but im really proud of you and you should be of yourself too recently i said that to someone and she said i m proud of myself too and idk how to explain you guy but it really blown my mind like i take myself for granted but we need to understand how much we are doing and living despite having this anxiety i wasn t able to tell my friend about my struggle because im not strong enough to let the people in my life know of my struggle but still i feel proud of myself yes it get messy but we are doing our best and should be proud of ourselves,Depression +39003,feel annoying like gaslight to me since i wa born i just like to do thing alone but recently i went to see a lot of doctor for a thing that happened to me and all of them did not helped they said i only had anxiety and i needed therapy they did not cure my infection fortunately i had a last doctor that heard me and believed and wanted to help after year ha passed this is annoying my mother also since i wa born spent 0 000 eur on therapy because she believed i had social anxiety because i did not wanted to go to school i wanted to work at a young age so she though wa something wrong with me i am a very calm person if i do not like to talk about tik tok dance that is not my problem,Depression +39004,i wa scrolling around and read up on brain aneurysm and im terrified of having one now i saw a headache wa a sign and i read that while having one it not severe but still now im on the brink of cry and i wan na ask my parent for a check up because of this anxiety but i know they aren t willing to do it can someone offer some relief,Depression +39005,last week i went on a spring break trip it wa fun but triggered a lot of anxiety in me i took a 0 mg edible gummy when i returned home from spring break i m new to the gummy world so it somehow hit me way harder than any other time i ve taken them the next day i still felt high which i ve noticed ha been normal for me when i take the gummies i felt off though like i had been drugged or something i slept the rest of the day to try and get it to wear off the next day i wa concerned i wasn t back to normal i felt like i wa dreaming i kept telling my boyfriend and family something wasn t right with my head and something wa wrong with my mind it wa scary for me i already get bad thought occasionally so i wa worried i would do something bad i couldn t feel anything taste anything or smell anything i literally slept the entire day and the next day i m only just now feeling more myself but i will go into these zone where i lose track of time am having trouble forming word and can t think clearly i skipped school on monday because i started to panic and cry my dad wa going to take me to a doctor on monday and i started cry and told him to call my boyfriend to bring me back home i went to see my doctor yesterday and am talking with a psychiatrist it s really scary can anyone who s experienced talk to me about this,Depression +39006,i m hoping this inspires some of you i have suffered from anxiety disorder my whole life i remember when my family would take small trip and i would be so anxious i wouldn t eat the whole trip they always worried about me i also wouldn t eat when we went out because i wa worried i would puke it finally got so bad in my late 0 that i went to the er with a terrible panic attack and finally saw a therapist i wa also put on sertraline i now feel like i have a good handle on my anxiety about month ago after almost year i weaned off the sertraline still not sure if that will last i may have to be on it forever but so far so good even now a i am typing i am having some anxiety that ha come out of nowhere but i know i will be fine i can go week now without any anxiety i used to even wake up in a cold sweat panic attack before traveling shaking and vomiting i would be so stressed out i would think about an event that i know would trigger it for week before hand i would dry heave shake sweat and feel sick to my stomach just thinking about getting stuck in traffic but i have over come a lot of it even traveled to other country and been able to actually relax while on vacation i wanted to post this in hope that it can make someone else feel like they are not alone because i always felt so alone when i suffered i felt like there wa something so wrong with me and i hated myself but now i accept my anxiety my best advice is don t let it win don t let it keep you from doing thing you love and remember your anxiety is wrong you can do thing nothing bad is going to happen and if something bad doe happen you will be able to handle it,Depression +39007,my anxiety come with irritability avoidance of others impatience low frustration tolerance sleep issue restlessness and all sort of strange worry but the thing that really annoys the fuck out of me is the constant tight feeling in my head neck and chest anyone else feel this way,Depression +39008,tw terrorism death amp x 00b i f australia have crippling anxiety surrounding flying and i really want to figure out how to deal with it i didn t know the root cause of this fear until i wa about or so when i wa having a conversation with my parent during this conversation they casually brought up the fact that they had let me watch 9 on the news i wa at the time including all the footage of the moment the plane hit the twin tower people jumping out the recording of people saying goodbye to their loved one and so on for two week after apparently all i would say wa plane go boom despite not remembering any of this it check out a i ve always had a very deep seeded fear of flying for a long a i can remember and i wa clearly just a tad traumatised by this i do remember being a child and always cry in not wanting to go on family holiday because i wa convinced there were bomb on the plane and would be looking under my seat and so on searching the last time i went on a plane wa when i wa for a family holiday where i wa admittedly a massive brat and refused to do any of the activity during the week because i wa so upset that i wa being forced to take mere domestic flight and just wanted to go home because of my ability to now refuse to step on a plane a an adult i have only been to two other country near australia which were all during my childhood it is not lost on me that this is still a very very very privileged position to be in and that there are far worse thing in life than not being well travelled however i would really like to get over my fear of flying because since it is impeding on my life for me my biggest hang up over flying is perhaps the lack of control associated with it i m at the whim of the pilot and the plane i know statistically i m more likely to die in just about any other way but i think what make me not have a crippling phobia of anything else is that i probably delude myself into thinking i have more control in those other situation eg if i get into a train crash or something i have more of a chance of surviving by kicking a window out or someone else dragging me out and often activity like driving are just necessary for going about daily life so i can justify the risk however flying isn t some absolute necessity so i have a far harder time justifying it and am completely distraught over the idea of dying just because i wanted to go on some silly holiday i wa intending to do some travel this year since i ve graduated university and thought i had managed my fear i am supremely grateful that money isn t an issue for me so i m more than happy to spend more on flight with safe airline like qantas for me not to have a complete breakdown mid flight and figured a lot of my anxiety could hopefully be managed through that but the latest china eastern situation ha sent me into a spiral and i m not doing great obviously can t compare it to what the poor victim and their loved one are experiencing i tried to stay away from it but i accidentally saw the still of the plane vertically diving and i nearly threw up i had quite similar reaction to other plane crash in my lifetime and they completely derail my life for week afterwards because i get so upset from it i apologise for how long this post is just a bit of a mess at the moment and have achieved absolutely nothing today except writing this post i m just not really sure where to go from here but am open to any suggestion thank you so much for your comment in advance i genuinely really appreciate it,Depression +39009,hey everyone im currently taking wellbutrin and buspirone buspar for depression and anxiety they re both atypical med because i am afraid of the side effect of ssri like loss of libido just so happens that both the med im on currently are supposed to help with libido counteract negative sexual side effect of ssri the thing is i do have a high libido but my anxiety is off the chart and im still pretty depressed psychiatrist want to put me on lexapro along with sticking with my current med i know it would very likely help with depression anxiety but im still worried about the side effect my question i guess is if you have a high libido to begin with but anxiety and intrusive ruminating thought is the main problem what are the odds that lexapro wouldn t negatively impact my libido at all maybe even increase it because it lower my anxiety and depression especially given that my current med are supposed to help with that thanks for reading,Depression +39010,potentially triggering for panic attack and urinary issue my anxiety is usually high right when i try to get to sleep and my mind is undistracted and lately i feel the need to pee a lot when trying to doze off though it s more often than not only very small amount or none at all one night before a big event i never slept at all and got up every few minute sometimes there wa nothing but most of the time there wa a very small amount doe anyone else experience this i struggle to narrow down the cause a it doesn t really happen during the day though i spent my last job interview paranoid i wa going to have an attack and or pee myself during it after getting no sleep the night before i ve also lost my fitness and don t always eat well but i m not massively out of shape or anything,Depression +39011,doe anyone else have like anxiety tic for lack of a better word and if there is a better word please let me know i think one of mine is picking at my split end sometimes i do it when i m bored but i know when i m anxious i ll just grab a bit of hair and pull at the split end to get them off i don t pull out my hair just the split end if they come off if they don t i don t keep pulling but is that normal for anxiety lol just curious,Depression +39012,i won t be able to start college until september so i ll be at home doing nothing till then so a job would be great right but i can t get past the interview i have a panic attack every time i try i just fed so unless i sit at home doing nothing every single day ugh any advice would be great,Depression +39013,so many thing from my childhood i haven t gotten over because i never addressed them and i ve just been so emotional i don t really have anyone to talk to or turn to and time like these i wish i could just have a hug and know that i am loved by someone my anxiety is getting unbearable and the ocd is getting worse i am an adult now but my mind still doesn t feel developed i think i had a lot of comprehension issue when i wa a child and they never got resolved so now i m an adult and i can t understand simple thing because i overthink or i can t focus on what s being said it s caused me a lot of frustration i just started a a cashier today and my anxiety wa through the roof i don t get thing fast like everyone else it s like some part of my brain are active and the other part are just dead or foggy that s how i ve felt my whole life and looking back at how i handled school work it wa so obvious i probably had adhd or something but in my family it wa looked at a bad to be anything besides normal so i could play my disability off well and just pretend but because of that it s catching up to me in my adult life i really just want to vent to someone because i honestly have no one to talk to i don t even know if this is the right thread but i just have no one,Depression +39014,we have avoided it the past two year but just now she showed me her lateral flow test and it looked positive i m worried about getting it i ve been with her most of the day this is my worst nightmare and i don t know what to do last week i did feel extremely fatigued but i chalked it up to my chronic illness i m worried about my mum a well a she ha asthma please if anyone can reassure me that i won t or might not get it or any reassurance would be great thank you,Depression +39015,i used to joke that he doesn t remember what my name is but it s not funny anymore it actually kind of hurt we ve been together for year and he never call me by my name or even a pet name ever if he need me to come he doesn t shout from the other room babe jill love etc please come here he come to me and just say i need you to come for a sec i ve expressed my hurt several time he just say he feel way too awkward using name on people directly and us an excuse that his parent never use their name between them either not true i told him he should make an effort at least for me but he just stay silent and never doe i thought of dropping this subject at some point because i love him bu then i got super pissed off like i m not asking him to do a headstand every time i enter the room i just want him to call me something nice i am also a severely anxious person but i go to therapy and he doesn t want to any idea,Depression +39016,so i recently moved to a state 000 mile away from my home with my parent even though there wa no point in it i m and this isn t just the right place for me and there s nothing i can do about it all my family member who lived here convinced my parent to move over here cause apparently it s better when i m here my anxiety ha gone up by a lot i can t even sit still in peace after getting into a fight like my mind constantly telling me we need to go back home i never got along with others in public and got into fight at school already did drug and a lot of stuff like that my parent think this is the best environment and i m still acting like this and they never listen to me i m having a talk with my therapist in a few day do you think they could convince my parent that this isn t a good place for me and recommend u to move out of the state for better mental health for me mentally and emotionally because i just do not belong here i wa so much better a a person in my hometown now i can t even tell if this is me i even have done drug here for the first time and yet my parent family think i m the problem not the environment what can i do,Depression +39017,i m not sure if this is the right subreddit to put this in but this ha been ruining my self esteem for a while i m a senior in highschool and i m super hyper aware of my presence and reputation i try not to stand out too much but at the same time i m not some random face in the background i do all of this because i despise the word weird i hate being called weird or anything like it it make me feel like absolute garbage and want to erase my existence from the earth this is most likely since i wa bullied pretty decently in middle school so all through highschool i wa dedicated to being seen a normal or at least not on the bottom rank if that make any sense if i ever do anything that seems out of place or too extroverted i really almost cry since whenever i bring attention to myself it end up feeling super cringey and on the spot it s like i can t escape it like wherever i go and and whoever i meet they re all going to think that i m weird,Depression +39018,we re back after spring break during st period i had a panic attack and had to leave i feel defeated like i might a well not go back didn t put on a big show or anything just random stage fright out of nowhere going back tomorrow and wondering if the same thing will happen i knew i wa having a panic attack but didn t try to work through embrace it going to try harder tomorrow just feel like a loser that i couldn t handle it today very unprofessional,Depression +39019,i m terrified i ve given it to her and i m also terrified about being stuck in isolation in my room my anxiety is through the roof i stupidly started reading about all the horrible symptom of covid and it s making me feel so freaked out i really don t know what to do i feel like my anxiety is going to get so much worse being stuck in my room,Depression +39020,i went through a chill short term relationship break up three month ago which shouldn t have really even affected me but somehow it ha thrown me into a spiral of overwhelming anxiety i have difficulty sleeping and functioning with feeling or derealization and a constant sense of doom i can honestly barely function for the last year before this i have been completely normal feeling and could easily overcome stress i did have a month or so episode of anxiety when i wa where i wa put on lexapro for a short time i overcame it and wa fine ever since m now i now have a prescription sitting here but i dont want to give in to this anxiety any thought on why this happened to me and if i should just start the med,Depression +39021,i ve had a rough week with anxiety and one day i realized it s because i fear rejection judgment and i feel like i need to be perfect for some reason that made me feel worse the next day that same day i heard my best friend friend make fun of somebody stutter and he didn t realize i have a stutter i realized it s so easy to talk badly behind people back and that made me feel even worse i started asking myself how do i know who i can truly trust and i started asking myself if certain family member or coworkers would do this and if they devalued me a a person a i wa doing this i thought i feel crazy a couple day passed and i realized anyone can make fun of anyone about anything disability sexuality religion appearance etc this made me calm and i started to go about my business and forget about this stuff and then someone commented on a post i made about it and said they had a similar thought that lead to psychosis and paranoia psychosis is one of my biggest fear and a soon a i read that i wa on the edge of a panic of attack and it took a good 0 0 minute to get off of that edge ever since then my stomach ha hurt and i ve been so anxious and now i can t shake this thought it went from what if others talk badly behind my back to what if i believe they talk badly behind my back i know since i m worried i ll go crazy that s a good sign but since this thought wasn t originally formed by ocd doe that mean it s the onset of psychosis or doe the fact i fear it so much even if it wasn t cause by ocd mean i m still pretty sane or will i become paranoid no matter what now i legitimately feel crazy now and i can t calm down,Depression +39022,anyone else get super cold mainly hand and foot when stressed,Depression +39023,a an fyi i wa diagnosed at with ocd usual hand washing fear of germ thought of death checking thing over and over again different trigger didn t leave the house for two year it s well controlled now but i m worried now that it s having an impact of relationship so she wa at the time now i m we chatted for two month dated for went on date but mainly she wanted sex had a lot of sex more than actual going out and doing stuff she becomes distant then when we see each other again she say she want to see me more we end up texting a lot a she wa always unavailable either with friend family or her guy friend she would see him more than me we re texting a lot so i tell her how i feel and that i want to see her more few day later she break up with me with a text won t go into detail why i try and text call her everything at first she ignored me then she gave me a couple of reply saying we ll talk thanks me for birthday gift i d gotten her before we d broken up then she just cut me off two week later she s in a very public relationship with her guy friend who wa seeing a lot when we were together and even stayed over in his place not long before she ended thing my problem is i couldn t accept that it wa over just after a text even before i knew she wa in a new relationship i replied to her she ignored me few day later she reply tell me we ll talk she then ignores me again i call her a day later she ignores me and cut off my call she message me a few day later thanking me for a birthday present i d given her before we d broken up apologises for ignoring me and say she shuts down and act weird in situation like this i tell her she doesn t have to feel that way and can talk to me to tell me what s gone on then send her a voice clip trying to talk her round she ignores so i tell her i won t try again except i did and messaged her happy birthday she replied and i try and make conversation she ignores me i then ask her if she want her stuff back she ignores me two week later i see she s in the relationship so i message her telling her how i felt and that it wa right to end thing a she wasn t making time for me i m bothered that i couldn t just let go and it s making me more concerned that maybe this is my ocd making me obsessed with someone and that i didn t actually feel anything for her i feel like i ve been set back about 0 year here worrying whether i acted normal or whether it wa driven by my ocd,Depression +39024,obviously i know the answer is no and that he is perfectly capable of making his own decision but i feel like i m holding him back and since i can t talk to anyone about it let s do it to some stranger online i deal with anxiety and have emetophobia i ve had it since i wa and it s only gotten worse over the year i m now at this point i can barely get enough food in my system to maintain my weight can t go out to eat and get nervous whenever we eat at family or friend and have to drive back my partner is very understanding and doesn t really care about visiting friend and family often since he is pretty introverted however now that covid is over he would love to travel again i can t the thought of being on a plane trapped inside a cage in the sky is horrible but one i can manage but i ll be in a country with strange food strange place and i ll most likely be on the verge of a panic attack every night my partner say that that s no way to go on holiday a it meant to relax and if i m stressed the whole time there s no point edit he got very frustrated and told me i know it s not your fault but what s the point in having a partner when we can t do anything together i have reached out to get help but waitlist are so long that i have no way of knowing when i ll get help the fun thing is that they ve told me they need me at a healthy weight to start therapy but i ll have to do that without help in the back of my mind i m not very optimistic since therapy hasn t helped the last 0 year either and i ve gotten worse every time we re on the verge of buying a house together and i m just in doubt whether i should go through with it since he deserves much better thanks for listening and helping me get this off my chest,Depression +39025,i know it seems contradictory but hear me out when my anxiety start acting up i seclude myself then that lead to feeling of depression and hopelessness that my anxiety will never get better and that i ll be a hermit forever anyone else feel that way,Depression +39026,every single day at school during my rd period i get very nervous for my th period and my stomach start to ache badly it s like there are gas in my stomach and i get very gassy i think i get nervous because i start thinking about this girl i m very intimidated by but i wouldn t think that it would make me this anxious and then in my rd period i have to go to the washroom to do number two and it s usually diarrhea and that happens every single day in rd period no matter what i do to try to calm myself nothing seems to work i tried breathing pattern but i just get nervous again maybe it s because i eat lunch before rd period but it s every single day that my stomach is aching is it normal to feel this way i don t know if i should do something about it,Depression +39027,i always wonder how much of my anxiety justifies thing and how much it doesn t like when i have no energy and just wan na lay in bed and do absolutely nothing when it feel like i can t do anything or when i feel so drained when i feel to anxious and can t breathe or when i get physical symptom like upset stomach etc when this get in the way of school work or well lack of school work how much of it is my fault or not my fault is it just an excuse but it s really hard and doesn t feel like an excuse or am i making mysef just believe that i m struggling but i m not so confusing just wan na sleep all day,Depression +39028,i don t know what to do my body feel like it is in a constant state of panic my mind ha like a thousand thought in the same second and i feel each and every emotion from that thought at once all those emotion just group up into this constant literally constant state of anxiety when i wake up i am anxious when i go to sleep i am anxious when i go to school when i am with my friend etc i feel like i can not take it anymore it is so exhausting every night the only way i can fall asleep is consuming so much different medium at once i get tired and pas out which doe not happen until am whenever i think there is a root to this anxiety i fix it and it doe not go away like i recently started college and i wa nearly failing by middle of my first semester i worked hard and turned my grade around thinking that wa what wa making me anxious except my mind just find new thing to worry about i have been broken down to the point of asking for help on reddit i know you guy can t fix it but please someone tell me that there is something i can do i already see a therapist i am honestly not sure if she help,Depression +39029,i ve been in therapy a few month cbt he mostly just advises me to try to stay in the present and mediate at first it seemed to help a little but the larger issue i have won t stop bothering me i make good money and i m not bad looking at all but i have basically zero friend and i haven t been on a date in over 0 year im and i ve been thinking about suicide a lot but i obviously can t tell my therapist or he ll get me emergency petitioned im really not sure what to do my anxiety and depression just seems to keep getting worse i can barely get myself to eat most day let alone exercise or try to talk to someone,Depression +39030,i ve had anxiety a long a i can remember and it not like it ruin my life but i feel i could be doing much better socially and academically if i took a pill that just got rid of it im a college athlete who work out eats right and is in great shape so i truly believe i just have a chemical imbalance that cause my anxiety to act up especially in low action situation such a a classroom this is also spot on with my adhd diagnosis but those med don t help my anxiety all i hear is that when you get on those pill you got ta stop drinking and shit i smoke weed everyday drink heavily every weekend and do coke mushroom acid pretty seldomly anyone got advice for anti anxiety med that aren t going to ruin my brain if i want to drink or do my recreational drug still im even willing to quit the drug and slow down on my booze and weed i just dont want to quit for good,Depression +39031,i did the prep work i looked up anticipated question and wrote out my answer i looked into the company read their posting over and over and a soon a the phone ring my heart start pounding and i can t think straight i hate this all of my prep my confidence my preparedness gone a soon a i open my mouth i blabber and worse i start apologizing like i m confessing my sin to a priest sorry i have anxiety nail in coffin i try using pause instead of saying um ah uhhhh and the pause turn into silence and i m trying to control my breathing from sounding too loud too erratic too panicked i ve lost control of my heart rate i m gripping my pen just to have something to hold onto and in measly minute it s over,Depression +39032,this bug me so much and make me want to cry whenever i m with others or even just chatting to stranger i m chatty relaxed and pretty confident no one would ever think that i wa someone that ha social anxiety i m totally fine at party social gathering etc however i get socially anxious a fuck when getting public transport on my own or simply being anywhere new and scary on my own walking through a busy city a people around me look at me why am i like this,Depression +39033,so i m f and am currently living working and studying in a different country than the one i wa born and raised in my cousin m study in our home country but very far away from home and can only visit his parent during the break my relationship with my parent wa very much strained for a couple of year due to unsolved childhood trauma and throwing blame at them for thing that were a result of their childhood trauma but after therapy our relationship improved and even though we have our fight a every family ha we are very close and talk every evening and even eat together through videocall my cousin relationship with his parent is very much strained his parent got married very late and had fertility issue so only managed to have him well into their forty due to this they really didn t have the patience to deal with their child and my cousin spent most of his childhood with our grandma because his parent wanted to have fun and not deal with a child having tantrum moreover they were very abusive they used to make him eat adult sized portion of food every meal and not let him leave the table until he finished his food and even though everyone in the family knew this wa abusive no one ever decided to do something about it luckily he ha a very fast metabolism and so far hasn t experienced any health issue due to this abuse last september he started university and apparently stopped picking up call from his parent and stopped answering text to the point that my uncle had to threaten him with cutting him off financially if he didn t start picking up the phone and texting this weekend my dad s side of the family had dinner and lunch on saturday and sunday and the topic of me and my cousin came up and my uncle and aunt out of jealousy called my relationship with my parent toxic and unhealthy because we speak to much and went on to say i don t have a life or friend hence why i always talk to them now i have friend both living with me and at work but my friend go out clubbing everyday and since that really isn t my scene i hang with them during the day and they go out at night also i didn t have a relationship with my parent for year i wa so depressed and hurt that i bearly spoke to them even though we were living in the same house now that we have worked through our issue i am enjoying my relationship with them seeing a it won t last forever i dont think our relationship is toxic or unhealthy but this ha triggered my anxiety and made me have intrusive thought and honestly i just need a little reassurance do you think my relationship with my parent is toxic and unhealthy or are my family member just being asshole,Depression +39034,i m currently taking 0mg effexor xr for anxiety and depression i ve also taken lexapro 0mg for year and zoloft 00mg for a year both had similar effect barely put a dent in my anxiety and really helped with the severe symptom of depression but it s still there my anxiety is still bad particularly my physical symptom i always feel on edge and nervous i can always feel my heart pounding hard not fast regardless of my mental state and it s the most debilitating symptom i feel i can never relax and never truly enjoy myself because of how anxious i feel i take propranolol 0mg twice a day and is the only thing that help a little with the physical symptom but they re still problematic i have tried meditation breathing exercise exercise i have read a multitude of book on cognitive behavioral therapy acceptance and commitment therapy and mindfulness no exercise in the book ha helped with the symptom whatsoever i should also mention i have had test for my thyroid adrenal any gi or diet issue antibody etc and i m sure i can rule out physical cause is anyone else in a similar boat to me and found buspirone helped if no ha anything helped you thanks,Depression +39035,i ve been feeling a lot and going through a lot for the past few week i can t talk to anyone i m emotionally and mentally drained i m not even diagnosed with anything but i feel like i m having anxiety and just want to be done with everything i sometimes feel like i just want to jump off our building or drown myself in the pool so that i wouldn t feel anything i m really scared i know what happened to me wa careless and full of stupidity i guess this is my karma just letting out a little bit i don t know who else to talk to i feel like i m dying inside i m afraid to go to the beach with my friend because i might do something really stupid i ve been cry and cry every night so that i could hide all my feeling but it s really killing me i want to get out of this situation but i can t escape i know i have to help myself but i can t do it there s no one else to blame but me i m so sorry for this i just have no one to talk to i don t want to be a burden to the people around me,Depression +39036,year old male year here i ve always had a confusing relationship with myself and anxiety when i wa a young child i wa very outgoing then hit about and wa bullied because of my sensitivity and openness developed really bad anxiety a a result got to year old and found it impossible to talk to girl and wa completely sick of my shyness so i decided overnight that i wa going to showcase my confident side at all time faking it till i made it this wa a blessing and a curse because a lot of my confidence wasn t necessarily real i wa inspired by people like russell brand and keith moon and i kind of acted like them all the time now thank god i ve reached a much calmer equilibrium most people would consider me a a very confident outgoing person but i feel much more myself i m way calmer chatty and forward with people one on one but i m still plagued with anxiety in other area i have no real issue in social occasion i m the frontman in a band and we re about to go on tour playing to thousand of people and i literally have no nerve whatsoever if only this translated to everyday life firstly i m terrified of getting a new scary job working in a pub bar something with people who have the potential to be snooty and mean if i don t know what i m doing instead i live at home with my parent in a sheltered existence i work a really simple easy job at home because i m too scared of a job where i have to do something new for the first time working in a bar absolutely terrifies me but deep down i wish i had the bravery to just do it and not give a crap if i fuck up whenever i ve tried new job in the past i get so frustrated with myself when i m not my cool calm confident self in these new situation why the fuck do i take so long to get relaxed with these thing and how do i get the bravery in the first place i m just so scared that people might perceive me a being shy i guess i value my self worth on my level of confidence in that current moment my second massive issue is when i m on my own in public perhaps public transport for example i m just fizzing with anxiety constantly it s horrific in public i feel extremely self conscious i know that no one give a shit about me or care about me but i literally feel like people are judging me constantly even though i know this isn t true something a simple a cycling on a road is a fucking impossibility i m just so scared that people will think i don t know what i m doing i just hate that physical feeling of anxiety of people watching me and judging me literally sitting here with a massive stress headache because of being in public the last couple of hour i then overthink about this for hour and hour because i just don t understand how i can be this way feel like i m having a personality crisis therapy hasn t helped medication didn t should i just stfu and get on with it in essence exposure therapy how can i not care when load of people are watching me on stage but literally feel like i m dying when people look at me in public why is there this maddening split personality in me i don t think my confidence is an act because when i m confident and relaxed i would consider that to be my most normal authentic self i m not naturally a quiet person just desperately insecure and sensitive,Depression +39037,i have a serious question are anxitey med worth it i have paralysing anxitey sometimes i ll get better then i ll get worse it s pretty rough the people i ve asked half say it s not worth it it can make you worse and others say they are good i m so confuseeeeed,Depression +39038,i ve been experiencing such a exacerbation of my anxiety symptom that i think it s time to get evaluated for medication doe anyone have any recommendation for provider in the nyc area or in ny state in general since telehealth is a thing and nyc is insanely expensive 00 for a consultation is steep,Depression +39039,i ve been feeling rather dissociated lately like i m a spectator in my body i m not sure how long i ve been feeling like this but it felt especially bad on one particular day like i wouldn t have been surprised if i woke up and it wa all a dream that same day i began experiencing what i can only describe a very brief panic attack i m never actually worried about anything in particular i ll be sitting in class or something and suddenly a fuzzy feeling will wash over my body and my heart rate will spike i always expect that something will happen like i ll lose the ability to move part of my body or maybe i ll go numb or thing will start swelling up or that i ll just pas out right there but nothing else happens and the feeling subsides after a bit leaving me in the same disassociated state a before after the panic dy down initially i thought this could only happen while i wa sitting down i usually feel better after walking around and getting some fresh air but i just experienced this feeling while walking and my leg felt numb they worked fine i didn t stumble or anything but it wa like i wa just commanding my body to walk instead of voluntarily moving my muscle to cause it if that make any sense the day this started happening wa the same day that another big event happened one that i m not going to mention because my post get removed i m wondering if the initial wave of anxiety over the possibility of future event ha awakened some kind of generalized anxiety in me i ve also started developing health anxiety regarding food at the same time this started happening i fear that ill have spontaneously developed an allergy to whatever i m eating even though i have no history of this wondering if anybody ha had similar experience and can help me understand what s going on,Depression +39040,my anxiety ha been taking over my life recently and i am having trouble controlling it it seems like i am always assuming the worst possible outcome for everything i somehow convince myself that the the worst will happen and that i need to prepare for it i am not sure where this way of thinking came about a my parent and my brother are super laid back and relaxed even during my college year i would panic about exam i would study all weekend skip going out worry constantly for test i would run through scenario in my head about failing not getting employed dropping out etc i would calculate the minimum grade needed to pas the course and convince myself that even though i studied 0 hour getting a is still likely and possible if my brother doe not pickup the phone late at night i worry that he crashed somewhere is not safe every night before bed i have to check my car app to make sure it locked even though i know i locked it and if i dont check i assume it is unlocked and will be stolen i worry about my health even though i am healthy it s getting to a place now where when someone tell me something that go against my worry random example you do not have a cavity i assume that he probably missed it and that i do have one it like i always have a sense of fear for everything now i am working full time it effecting me with my work life even worse to make thing short i sell capital equipment because of the supply chain issue many of current order have been delayed i run through every scenario possible that my customer will sue me for loss of profit and not delivering on time even though it is out of my control i worry that i will fulfill the order late and my customer will not pay me net 0 are the normal term in my industry i worry that my equipment will not work properly i worry that i am doing something wrong with running my business i also randomly started worrying about my equipment hurting someone and being sued for it and liable for everything it seems like i always have something to worry about when the stress from one thing pass something else come up and it constantly cycle these are just some example i seem to always go to the extreme with everything even though no issue have come from everything mentioned above i still worry about i have absolutely no idea how to control it i get random thought before bed while i am half asleep about something and it immediately wake me up and i start to panic i get super irritable when i am in an anxious state and my parent think i am just being dramatic and tell me to settle down when i can t i feel helpless it almost feel like the littlest thing can absolutely destroy my mood i have no energy to workout constantly tired no motivation to eat until super late at night i cant meditate and shut off my brain it s impossible doe anyone have any insight on how i can improve myself i am struggling finding anyone in my life that can support me i never really assumed i had any sort of gad until this past year when i started doing more research around the topic i assumed everything that i wa experiencing wa just a normal part of life until it became too much to the point where it controlling my day to day life,Depression +39041,hi so this morning ha been really rough and i m experiencing worse than usual muscle spasm a a result of my anxiety how can i stop this it s on the entire left side of my body and it s making my anxiety worse i m a bit scared i ll need to go to a hospital and i don t want to my entire left side of my body is tingling too i m just really anxious is there any way i can calm down or stop this,Depression +39042,today wa the first time i ve gotten feedback from an interview and they want to give me a second chance i m really thankful for that but i feel like my anxiety is holding me back even though i know i m fully capable of preforming a job i just get nervous in interview because i don t know if i m wasting my time googling how to fake confidence because i know i shake my hand a lot and who want to hire someone who is anxious for a job that requires social skill probably no one i ve gotten better at socializing but i m clearly lacking in the social awareness department,Depression +39043,so i have a stutter and i ve always been insecure about it i wa with my best friend and his friend and his friend made fun of someone s stutter because he s not aware i stutter this made me realize how easy it is to make fun of people behind their back i felt really bad that night and started cry when i got home cause it made me realize i didn t know who wa being real with me and i felt a tho i wa devalued flash to today and it wa still bugging me but i realized something those people aren t exclusively making fun of people like me but making fun of a lot more than a stutter people are made fun of for stutter tic religion sexuality lisp appearance and more i realized it s not my problem to worry about them and most people that make fun of others will show themselves with time and real nice people will never do that this made me content and i wa happy i forgot about it for the most part and went about my business but i posted something to reddit about it and someone said they had a similar experience and it lead to going into psychosis and being paranoid about people talking badly about them this made me almost have a panic attack when i wa eating with my parent because going psychotic is one of my biggest fear ever since then i ve felt so anxious it took a good 0 0 minute to calm myself down and not be on the edge of a panic attack ever since then i can t shake this thought but now for a different reason instead of worrying who s judging me i m worrying if i believe it i ve had this fear before but when it s bad it get so bad it feel like i m already psychotic even tho i m not and today wa one of those day it feel like the thought you believe if fact and i have terrible depersonalization this ha happened time before this and normally after a good sleep my anxiety tone down a bit but since this is a little different and it started out without that anxiety doe that mean i am going crazy instead of thinking anyone is judging me i keep asking myself if i think these specific people at my work would judge me idk why once again that wa cause ocd started to ob on it now but since i had this thought before ocd doe it mean i m going crazy or am i sane since i m worrying so much about it,Depression +39044,existential crisis and angst ha become a month period drama for me every few month i will come across or think of a existential or scary thought where i ll go down a large rabbit hole and in the end become a nervous and terrified wreck i ve been through a existential crisis on mind philosophy sexuality identity apocalypse anxiety biology philosophy space anxiety and now it look like the next one will be quantum fucking physic based if i don t stop it in time i m just so sick of this cycle of fucking misery throughout my life i can t find any happiness or calmness because of my year is spent being terrified and super anxious sometimes i feel like lying down and cry but this depression ha made me so numb i can t cry anymore i just can t fucking take this anymore,Depression +39045,curious to see what people think here s my question can dissociation also be described a separating yourself from thing event happening in your life for example if something happens that overwhelms me or make me really anxious a lot of time i simply forget it i ll be going along with my day a normal but feel that something is off so i ll have to sit for a moment and think why do i feel sad anxious etc and after a minute of thinking back it click oh right i have to give a presentation on thursday is this a form of dissociation it ha always happened to me and if i describe it to someone they usually don t understand it i e if i m anxious i can t stop thinking about whatever it s about let alone forget it i told my therapist about it one session and she thought it wa fascinating she said that anxiety is stored in the body too so that s why i can feel the negative feeling even if i forget why it s there just curious i m not seeing that therapist anymore or else i d ask her,Depression +39046,quick question is anyone taking buspirone and did you need to go up on your dosage i ve been taking 0mg twice daily but it feel like it s not working a well a it wa say a week ago i ve been on it for week i would really appreciate your feedback thank you all,Depression +39047,all i ever do is fucking annoy people lmao they re all going to leave me,Depression +39048,so basically for a long a i can remember i have been terrible in public situation when i have to present i shake and go red but the most difficult thing thats happens is that my throat feel like it closing up and i can not get any word out even if i keep trying this lately ha progressed into seemingly random situation i think it s because im more aware of it i could be talking to some of my friend in a group and suddenly start to choke and can t speak it s made all the more confusing a when i take beta blocker i can speak fine in any situation so i guess this must mean it a mental block if anyone ha ever experienced this or could even point me in the right direction for stuff to read that would be great i have tried googling this issue but can t find anyone similar to me i m not sure if practicing talking to people work in this situation a i literally cant get the word out of my mouth when it happens thanks,Depression +39049,i ve noticed my anxiety is really bad for me in certain situation right now i am working a full time job mon to sat 0 hr per week been kinda hard to deal with the anxiety at work a i spend too much time with other people and i have to face awkward situation due to my role also i have a severe problem while eating with other coworkers tried to control that and it worked literally did an auto therapy session to control my fatalistic thought but recently some thing went out of control in my daily routine like some change my bos made to the department there were some change and problem at work too and also i met a girl i really like but obviously my brain take it a an anxiety with thought like you should do this with her you should be quicker or do this and kore this automatically exploded my anxiety to gigh level on these day don t wan na suffer the same so what would be your technique with this tl dr what are your technique copong method when you start dealing with unexpected thing and how to avoid the fatal case of escaping situation,Depression +39050,i m not sure if this belongs here so if it get taken down i get it about yr ago i went to visit my friend in eugene oregon for their graduation a day or two before the ceremony my friend palmer and genie bf and gf palmer s parent and his sister went to the river to go tubing to this day i wish i told everyone we should go home but we ended up going in anyway we tied the tube together and launched but within min my tube popped we were too far from shore and the rapid got u moving eventually all the tune but one or two were destroyed i used my height to dig my heel into the riverbed and held on to the string and wrapped them around my arm so everyone could readjust a well a get the parent on the remaining tube when i reased myself from the riverbed i wa still in the water merely hanging on to the string all i could do wa tread water and not let go i could feel the string tangling around my leg i did my best to counter the entanglement without letting go or rocking the tube i tried touching the bottom of the riverbed again to gain some stability but it wa too deep that scared me i m i wa on swim and water polo in high school and i even grew up by the beach but for some reason i freaked out and started to panic palmer s sister reminded me to keep treading and kept me in check with all that happening i wa still being slammed into rock and swallowing water if i remember correctly i think when the water were more calm i wa able to push the tube to shore but my memory is hazy we got on the road walked back to our launching point got in the car and went back to my friend s place i haven t thought of it much since that wa 0 i woke up this morning in tear every time i close my eye it s like i m under water looking up at the rippling surface i ve been scared to go in the ocean or any body of running water i understand if this post doe not belong here but thank you for reading,Depression +39051,so a few week ago i landed a new job in a multimedia job that installs the run of the mill thing acoutics audio video lighting network electrical engineering you name it the interview process wa a pretty straightforward and laid back interview and i got the job my first project wa to create a d acoustical model of a church based on blueprint the thing is i never read a arch blueprint in my life and this is the first time so seeing all the different symbol number and whatnot are scaring the hell out of me the employee here are willing to train me however looking at all the diagram and what not i feel intimidated i don t feel cut out for the job i feel afraid at the lack of thing i don t know i m not sure what to do any help,Depression +39052,throughout the day i m usually fine when i m alone usually at night is when everything get to me i m not diagnosed with anxiety and i don t want to say i have it i don t want to be faking but i ve been struggling for a bit now at night my chest feel heavy a if i m in an airtight room it s always the same thought this can t be real i ve been having a difficult time comprehending the fact that my close friend is gone the last time i wa able to see him wa in th grade then quarantine hit we had a few call in 0 0 0 and our last one being around hour long but i just can t comprehend it it s not recent he passed away in 0 i just can t believe it s real,Depression +39053,i don t know what happening i really don t know i don t even know if this is the right group to be typing this to but if anyone can help please do i m your everyday 9yr old who is currently in university growing up i d say i wa a very extroverted and out going person but after covid and moving to a whole new area for uni not knowing anyone my whole personality changed or at least the true me came out which is being introverted and shy and not liking to go outside and everything i do go outside when there s a lot of people in campus s or i meet new people or the teacher asks me anything in front of everybody i overheat and get very itchy and i mean very itchy it s feel like i m getting pinched all over my body and it happens all the time when i m around people i ve never had this issue before and i don t know what it is it first came around last summer so i said to myself maybe it s just the heat and i m also an athlete so i just blamed it on that and now that winter came around the exact same thing happens then maybe i though it s me and i m dirty so i start having shower a day and that did nothing i really don t know what to do if anyone know what this is or why it s happening please tell me it s really effecting me to the point i don t want to leave my house,Depression +39054,i have a choice between two job neither is ideal and i am having such a hard time deciding that all i do is delay and speak to anyone who will listen i am terrified of making the wrong choice and the indecision is making me frozen i don t know what to do i have spoken to counsellor family and friend everyone is getting really annoyed with me and i am with myself but all i can do is spin my wheel i had a traumatic experience with a previous employer and i am just scared to pick the wrong one,Depression +39055,hey there doe anyone here have this odd anxiety over commiting a crime and or lying when you infact don t whenever i get a call or letter i immidiately think i am in trouble and when i run into an issue that even remotely ha to do with official matter i am so anxious i might have accidently commit a crime it go so far that i start to convince myself i infact have commited crime when that isnt the case it might be a tad of imposter syndrome too example i worked a a freelance designer for a year jumped in when there wa a project i found interesting i did everything correctly etc after the project wa done i realized this sort of freelancing isn t what i wanted to do so i cancelled my status again i didnt know i cpuld just freeze it after having had only one client i again did everything a law demanded soon i wan na to apply for job in a different field game art and going through my document made the anxiety flare up again immidiately thought like you werent a real freelancer or only one client is shady af or in general just obsession about having commited a crime i have asked the literal tax office how i would go about cancelling since i figured it wasnt really my thing and if it is possible to start a freelance gig again after i officially cancelled my status for example a an artist they told me all i needed to know i did nothing wrong but there is this irration fear and voice that keep trying to convince me i have committed a crime and that is just one example sometimes i feel i stole my art i could draw it this exact moment with no bloody ref and my brain would tell me stole it i feel like i weaseled myself into uni and didnt really pas the test i dont know how to deal with this shite anymore is it this still anxiety or what oa that anyone can relate,Depression +39056,moved in with them at the start of october 0 we seemed to get on really well have at least some commonality and we d go out together sometimes time every week or so i ve always felt like the outsider of the group a they are all nd year going to the same uni and i am on a gap year we are all the same age tho it always felt like it wa those living together and me living with them if that make any sense nonetheless even tho have terrible anxiety and depression i tried with them they just told me last night that a friend asked them to move in with them and they ll be moving out in a few month it s suck cause we had said several time in passing we d be happy to live together whether in this flat or another i even got into a uni in the same city a them and they knew i wa going to study here next year i don t think they hate me i just don t think they like me all that much it hurt cause idk what i m going to do for accommodation next year uni hall terrify me but would be good to meet people i just had to get this off my chest i have no idea how to act with them if they start convo with me it just feel like they re forcing it idk i feel unloved and unhated just a banal liking,Depression +39057,hi all i am currently studying to be a licensed therapist i am attempting to branch out and offer my service a a life coach for the time being if anyone is interested in speaking to me please message me so i can help you it really help to have someone to talk to thank you,Depression +39058,for example this happened the other day while driving to class the week before first week of the course sometimes i wa pretty nervous agitated and generally anxious during the drive resulting in a weird feeling that i usually feel in this circumstance it s hard to put it to word like an uneasy rushy in real time sense of reality this time i didn t feel any of that i wa actually close to being symptomless the problem is that when i started noticing this too much my brain started to scan and check for that feeling that i described before even tho i didn t eventually feel it again it did ruin the moment and it impacted a bit on the symptom anyway so how can i just let go generally speaking,Depression +39059,for whom with health anxiety over a diagnosed health issue ha therapy helped,Depression +39060,so recently i wa told i will need a mildly invasive procedure i ve had some symptom that are common with many diagnosis cancer being one of them so now with my anxiety i m terrified and ruminate on the outcome now out of nowhere i have this breathing issue where i feel like some of my breath are not full or deep enough it went from periodically to frequent went to the urgent care and xray look fine the practitioner there said it s most likely anxiety i ve had period of anxiety throughout my life but i ve never experienced this am i alone here,Depression +39061,ok so this neusea thing ha slowly started to ruin my life i have just recently realised it might be anxiety it started when i wa about every time when i went to a sleepover close to the bedtime i started feeling sick cant remember more since it wa so long timeago it still continues today year later i can not stay the night at anyone el place or have anyone stay over at mine when the night fall and we are supposed to be relaxing i start shaking dont want to be touched or spoken to i feel like i could throw up anytime i feel my muscle tensing up when i notice it i breathe out and i feel relaxed for few second until i remember the other person presense and i start shaking again playing videogames or going outside help a bit now i have a boyfriend and he would really wan na spend the night together but i just cant do it we tried i started feeling really sick and then he left and now i feel bad everytime i see him sometimes when ive been alone i wake up middle of the night feeling sick shaking everytime i try to continue sleeping i see flash of food and sometimes if my house smell like food a bit it get overwhelming i go to sit to my toilet for hour barely staying awake sipping water sometimes i throw up and it help sometimes i just end up sleeping while sitting it is terrible and i hate this so so much i dont wan na break up with my boyfriend because of this but he is gon na lose his patience soon p i think i have emetofobia aswell edit ive been officially diagnosed with depression amp anxiety and ive never told these symptom to my old psychologist i thought it wa dumb,Depression +39062,how do you deal with a relapse in your anxiety or stop it before it really take control been doing very well with my anxiety for the past month or so still currently taking mg zoloft but recently have been having some stressful family drama pop up in my life for the past day i ve been very on edge anxious and no appetite the stressful event sort of got resolved yesterday morning so you would think i would be feeling okay now but i m still having trouble shaking this anxiousness any tip,Depression +39063,i am on week on prozac and experiencing no real change i took prozac before when my anxiety wa nowhere near a bad and so i don t really remember how long it took to make me feel better i just want to feel better,Depression +39064,cause that s how i feel i see people who work study are fit and eat well do extracurricular activity catch up with friend and family all the time all while making it look effortless where a i m sitting there working part time studying part time and am barely and i mean barely holding it together i just can not handle more than one thing at once even one thing at once is a lot e g if i wa to just be working than others look at you like you re crazy when you say how overwhelmed you feel with your workload but i just can t help it it s who i am i feel like i have no one in my life who i can relate to on this level they just seem to suck it up and get on with it,Depression +39065,posting because this medication ha had an incredible impact for me in a very short time and i think that s worth sharing in case it can help anyone else who suffers from anxiety i wa prescribed propranolol 0mg xr per day a little over one week ago primarily for enhanced physiologic tremor my doctor did also suspect that it would help with some physical symptom of anxiety that i have including elevated hr general muscle tension flushing shortness of breath my anxiety had become so bad over the last year that i have essentially become unable to rock climb which wa previously my favorite activity and stress reliever due to extreme fear shaking freezing up and compulsive checking of equipment well i don t want to get too excited in case thing change a my body acclimates to the drug but so far it really feel like this medication ha changed my life i honestly am starting to feel like myself again in so many way the tension in my shoulder and muscle that ha just become standard for me in the day to day ha been released my tremor is significantly reduced i feel like a weight ha been lifted off of my body i have rock climbed a couple of time since i started the medication and the excessive fear response is all but eliminated no more shaking no more locking up it s pretty amazing i can t even begin to express how huge of a deal this is i wa not expecting this at all i had no idea that this med would have such a significant impact on my anxiety i expected a reduced tremor and hr but nothing more i know that this med ha no impact on the actual mental process but my symptom of anxiety have always been primarily physical it seems a though reducing the tension and heart rate and shaking ha allowed everything else to relax a well i am sure not everyone will have the same experience and who know it could change for me with time but for the time being this med ha been a game changer for me so far i have had no negative side effect not even low bp which i have always had issue with my regular bp is often 9 0 and this med doesn t appear to have changed that in any way despite reducing my hr,Depression +39066,december of 0 i wa hurting pretty bad anxiety through the roof anger issue depression then more anxiety here month later i m not at all the same person i m not getting the panic wave going to a store or meeting new people i m not fearful of conversation a much lol and i ve even been planning a trip or two with the family since jan st i ve lost pound in a healthy way 0lbs to 9 i ve changed my diet been excersizing been talking to other people who are trying to lose weight get healthier it s changed everything i m fitting into jean i put in storage year ago i have work shirt that i ve literally never fit in that are my favorite to wear now i m due for a check up with my doc and i m going to talk about reducing my anti anxiety med and my blood pressure med and that feel amazing and sure i ve had a set back or two some day i eat better than others but that s ok ive had cake kolaches and starbucks at time i didnt have to cut out all the food i craved just control my portion which happens a little at a time and make some substitution that i can t even tell anymore i know this shoe won t fit everyone s foot but making these change ha changed everything for me get out get healthier be more active be engaged most importantly trying is more than enough just being able to look back to when i wasn t even trying and i thought that wa just how life wa going to be is a huge mood booster maybe it d work for you too p i am in a paid program i signed up for i don t want to solicit anything so i m not sharing the info of that program in this post also in some therapy but personally the weight loss ha made more of a difference to me,Depression +39067,so lately i been dealing with a pretty tense situation which involves trying to get myself out of a pretty big rut caused by my depression and lack of motivation basically a lot ha gone to shit now i m trying to fix it but there is this thing that happens whenever there is something difficult uncomfortable i have to do in my life in the hour leading up to waking up fully in those moment when i m tossing and turning my body feel terrible especially in my stomach abdominal area my thought are anxious and i feel terrible when i wake up fully all i think about is the thing making me anxious and the symptom i described feel like 0 time worse and i feel extremely high stung and filled with dread i feel like i want to fade away because it feel so bad after about an hour or two the physical symptom lessen and my anxiety reduces to more manageable level doe anyone else feel this and what have you done to cope,Depression +39068,i ve been having this for a few day doe anybody know of this is from anxiety my hearth is normal but i ve been having headache and chest pain too,Depression +39069,so i have a stutter and i ve always been insecure about it i wa with my best friend and his friend and his friend made fun of someone s stutter because he s not aware i stutter this made me realize how easy it is to make fun of people behind their back i felt really bad that night and started cry when i got home cause it made me realize i didn t know who wa being real with me and i felt a tho i wa devalued flash to today and it wa still bugging me but i realized something those people aren t exclusively making fun of people like me but making fun of a lot more than a stutter people are made fun of for stutter tic religion sexuality lisp appearance and more i realized it s not my problem to worry about them and most people that make fun of others will show themselves with time and real nice people will never do that this made me content and i wa happy i forgot about it for the most part and went about my business but i posted something to reddit about it and someone said they had a similar experience and it lead to going into psychosis and being paranoid about people talking badly about them this made me almost have a panic attack when i wa eating with my parent because going psychotic is one of my biggest fear ever since then i ve felt so anxious it took a good 0 0 minute to calm myself down and not be on the edge of a panic attack ever since then i can t shake this thought but now for a different reason instead of worrying who s judging me i m worrying if i believe it i ve had this fear before but when it s bad it get so bad it feel like i m already psychotic even tho i m not and today wa one of those day it feel like the thought you believe if fact and i have terrible depersonalization this ha happened time before this and normally after a good sleep my anxiety tone down a bit but since this is a little different and it started out without that anxiety doe that mean i am going crazy instead of thinking anyone is judging me i keep asking myself if i think these specific people at my work would judge me idk why once again that wa cause ocd started to ob on it now but since i had this thought before ocd doe it mean i m going crazy or am i sane since i m worrying so much about it,Depression +39070,or i am the only one with that,Depression +39071,i m and my anxiety ha been getting worse and worse a i fly towards adulthood at mach i ve started carrying around a plush of one of my favorite character it really comforting i want to start brining it to school because that s where a lot of anxiety happens but i don t know if i ll be able to ignore everyone s judging eye doe anyone else do this is it a healthy coping mechanism,Depression +39072,what do you do to help it,Depression +39073,i don t see a stable future for myself i have a lot going for me right now and i don t even care i m and graduating highschool in june and alot of my friend will be moving away for college including my boyfriend of year i feel like everything is ending traveling and plane terrify me so i probably cant visit my friend unless they visit me i cant see myself every being stable enough to live a non anxious life what is wrong with me,Depression +39074,it s been so long i have been avoiding to get treated especially because it s social anxiety i definitely don t want to talk to a stranger but it s been ruining my life so here we are any tip anything i should prepare what question do they ask you i am already getting anxiety attack because of the appointment,Depression +39075,just called out of work today i m feeling like i let everyone down which i know isn t the case at least i recognize the anxiety,Depression +39076,for the past two day i ve been having a lot of trouble getting to sleep and i m just worried if this is really something i should be really worried about and no one in my family seems to care that i m having trouble with this so am i just overreacting or is this something o should be concerned about,Depression +39077,hi r anxiety i m a 0yr old male with what i would say is a decent amount of stress but nothing out of the norm yeah work is stressful rent is increasing and a proposal to my gf are all looming but i ve always been able to accept those thing will come with some mild stress since i m human i ve been experiencing what i can only describe a mild severe panic attack recently that are completely wiping me off the face of the earth this past saturday i found myself in a bathroom stall at noon after being out with friend for lunch drink experiencing symptom last night after work i came home wa slapped with tunnel vision trembling tight chest and once i laid down in bed had what i would describe a the worst experience of my life for 0 minute borderline exorcism i m completely new to this experience and am obviously concerned what my trigger are or where this is coming from i plan on having a wellness check with my local physician but are there buzzword or thing i should include so i can do exactly explain what i am experiencing i constantly drink water i take only about 00mg caffeine a day i exercise time a week i have what i would describe a a pretty well balanced diet why is this happening all of a sudden appreciate any feedback this is more of a vent,Depression +39078,so i live here in orlando fl and we have the world s tallest chair swing ride so imagine the swing that you would go on at a carnival but 0 ft high and going at up to 0 mph i wa so nervous but i decided i wasn t gon na let my anxiety ruin it so i went it and lo and behold it not only wa really fun but actually surprisingly relaxing and beautiful,Depression +39079,i finally started therapy last november because my social anxiety ha gotten too big to deal with and i feel stuck i thought it wa going well therapist understood my problem anxiety ha been my reality for year so i guess changing my mindset is a slow process and all that but a few week ago my mom told me i should try to talk with a few other therapist because she doesn t think i m not really making progress and she also doesn t like that my therapist ha suggested anxiety med and antidepressant which i m not on right now because it s like she s dismissing me she said this got me thinking that i truly don t know what the best path is because you trust your therapist you aren t the one who studied psychology so you assume she obviously know better so i thought i d try to ask people here who went to therapy and got rid of anxiety what should i expect i didn t expect my therapist to say a bunch of magic word and cure me but is it really anxiety is never going to go away you can just learn to handle it better just make yourself suffer by putting yourself in situation that cause you anxiety until you get used to it and take med to help if you want to because that s depressing i know i might sound whiny but having to make all the work myself make me lose all motivation and i just wan na off myself because i don t actually get used to stuff i ve taken the bus a million time in my life and yet i m still anxious every time i have to take it i feel like i can t win i thought that therapist would at least help a little bit because what am i paying her for telling me to accept that i can t control everything because risk is a part of life and to take a walk everyday because i could ve realized that by myself,Depression +39080,last few day i f fell into some spiral of anxious thought about my relationship and my diploma thesis and can t get out of it i haven t properly eaten for three day now and last thing i do before falling asleep and first thing after waking up is just cry i feel like there is ton of brics on my chest at all time and i can not carry it anymore im becoming desperate i seriously don t know what to do if anyone ha any advice thank you so much,Depression +39081,since my stepfather died i have slept hour every single night and day my anxiety is just at an insane max right now to the point where i break down everyday in the shower if i m not in there with my so my bag are insanely black and i m so exhausted but still doing my hardest to function in society which is making it worse since i m failing,Depression +39082,it wasn t to bad it s pretty easy but i wa still scared i ve lost over job due to my anxiety i hope this one stick plus it s only min from home i wa so proud that i got up early and i went to work i made myself do it but i did it my second day is tomorrow and i m nervous again i hope i can pull through and be able to do this,Depression +39083,lol not literally but when i m out with a group of people for example i always feel so weird like i don t belong or that i m so abstract from everyone but in reality i m accepted by everybody amp it rlly suck feeling this way anyone else go through this,Depression +39084,hi i m f and my partner guy is also i say partner because i ve had mixed message about being in a relationship or not recently with him and i think this is a factor to my anxiety too fyi i have had bad anxiety since an abusive relationship at university and another one where i had a bf cheat multiple time my parent did not have a healthy relationship when i wa younger and where both not very present till my later teenage year i don t suffer anxiety in general but my relationship anxiety ha only got worse the older i get current situ we ve been dating month about week ago his twin brother died suddenly which wa tragic accident they were extremely close and he s been very unemotional about it all hasn t cried and been very rational before we got together we were friend before although i always knew he wanted more than that he d asked me on a few date in the past which i declined because he isn t usually someone i would go for but personality win me over everytime he wa also very consistent over text and the quality of conversation wa always really good which a someone with r anxiety the reassurance that someone is interested really help and usually attracts me more to them this ha since faded massively even before the passing of his brother and i find even some day the conversation is a 0th of what it used to be we ve discussed this and a lot of the time he say it s due to work and just over time not needing to keep up this same level because he is no longer chasing me because of my anxiety the long period of lack of communication i struggle with and my brain start to panic i find myself regularly checking his instagram who he follows what picture he s liked it s not healthy and i m trying to stop because it never help but almost become like an ocd since his brother passed he s shown me glimpse of seeing a future together he introduced me to some friend double date and his parent sister which i don t feel you would do if you didn t see a relationship potential he s said he would have asked me to be his gf when we should have gone on holiday the week after his brother passed but since i ve had mixed comment from whether we are in a relationship or still dating i find myself in a constant spiral atm due to the lack of communication which he say a factor is the grieving this is hard to overcome i feel awful to keep bringing up i need more in this situation i e if he can t text due to busy day can he call me more he agrees but never follows through consistently so every week i m cycling the anxiety cry worry that s now affecting my work and day to day in this situation i don t know what to do the anxiety is becoming worse and worse i don t want to have to keep bringing it up to him because of everything going on in his personal life but he doesn t seem to be meeting any emotional need for me and i m worried i won t cope long term with someone who can t reassure me i also feel guilty for wanting more from him i do hope it will get better in time a he is still in shock grieving process but it s hard to tell how would you handle this situation do you continue to suffer in silence with the anxiety in order to stop putting pressure on the other person when they are grieving or would ending the situation be better i wouldn t want to do this i m very happy with him but i feel like in a short space of time this ha been intense and draining,Depression +39085,a of lately i have been under a considerable amount of stress which cause me to have uncontrollable anxiety about most of the time i m awake now i ve noticed a new side affect from this my nervous habit tic from childhood are starting to come back the more stressed out i am the more i have this strange uncontrollable compulsion to kind of clench tense my abdominal muscle over to my rib cage and also tense my neck muscle a strange a it sound i start to get a very uncomfortable sensation if i don t do it for a certain amount of time this habit is causing a lot of strain on my back side and a lot of stomach pain acid reflux i ve tried working on breathing exercise to stop and distract myself but nothing quite work doe anybody else get these strange nervous habit or tic i have adhd and diagnosed anxiety i m not sure if that would be related i ve considered even seeing a therapist to attempt getting help with this,Depression +39086,hello so i have ptsd bipolar disorder and a back injury that will never heal i recently had to move from maine to florida i am in the process of re establishing my medical care in a new state a more restrictive state the doctor here want me off my back pain medication my anxiety medication and want me to quit smoking pot it took me a long time to figure out the exact combination of medication that work for me amp x 00b i moved from california to maine about ten year ago it took me a few trip to the looney bin for doctor to believe me figure out what wa wrong with me and treat me i spent my first three year in maine in constant pain due to a back injury that my nurse practitioner thought i wa way too young to have which i absolutely did and still do have she sent me to specialist that verified i do have a serious injury and she would say she doesn t believe them i turned her into the board of director at the hospital i wa in for basically torturing me but because i live with debilitating depression i did not follow through with it and it wa dropped amp x 00b when i finally found a doctor that believed my x ray and wa willing to treat me and a doctor that wa able to diagnose my ptsd and bipolar disorder and treat me my life took off in the right direction i wa able to finish my bachelor s degree my master s degree and start my phd one right after another my family wa forced to leave maine because of all the people that flooded into maine due to the pandemic and maine s low number of reported case in the beginning amp x 00b now i am having to redo all of these complicated step and i feel myself falling into my depression hole i feel so defeated i m coming down off my back pain med and my back is hurting so incredibly bad it make me want to die i have gone through so many year of physical pain i thought it wa over i thought i had that figured out my anxiety about doctor s opinion in my medical care and anxiety behind being looked at like a druggie when i don t do drug the anxiety of having to plead my case to people that just have heard so many lie they wouldn t know the truth if it smacked them in the face depression at having to do all of this crap over again,Depression +39087,hey everyone i am just curious if anyone ha also suffered from this type of anxiety i will get anxiety and panic about one thing and after coping and learning to overcome this anxiety my anxiety tends to hyper fixate on something else to worry about im wondering if anyone else ha dealt with this and how they stopped this cycle im currently on sertraline and buspirone and attend therapy a well for anxiety and panic disorder,Depression +39088,you are doing enough just let yourself take a break,Depression +39089,preferably without becoming addicted,Depression +39090,so let me preface this by saying that i didn t cheat i m in a chemistry class and we just had our final exam i scored a 9 after the curve the average in the class wa 9 i got an a in the course and i wa ecstatic about my grade until i read a post from my college s reddit asking when academic integrity violation would be announced that s what started me down this spiral i started checking my grade every hour for the past three day just to see if it s uploaded so i can know if he think i cheated and reported me i ve been feeling nauseous and shaky i did well on my first test in the class a 9 but the second test i didn t do great a there s no reason for me to think that he think i cheated i ve done well on all the hw and he even said that the majority of the class had a huge improvement from their final compared to their midterm so he replaced the lower test grade w the grade for the final but i still feel so sick idk what to do or how to calm down i feel like i m manifesting it grade are supposed to be updated tomorrow by am so we ll see what happens,Depression +39091,hey all i m 0 and i started taking 0mg citalopram in summer last year i had no side effect except for a decreased appetite and worsened insomnia i already suffered with that though everything wa going well until the start of this year when my anxiety suddenly got out of control my doctor think i grew resistant to the 0mg or something my dose wa increased to 0mg the end of feb for the first week i felt fine but then i started to feel nauseous the second week then over last weekend i began to be physically sick i take citalopram in the morning a soon a i wake up because i used to take it at night and it wasn t good for my insomnia a well a this for the good of being completely transparent i am a social university student who doe enjoy drinking even though alcohol wa fine with 0mg could it be possible that it is not now i know this is an important piece of context hence why i m including it basically did anyone else suffer with nausea and vomiting after increasing their dose should i be concerned that it s been week since starting the new dose and my side effect haven t settled also how worried should i be mixing citalopram with this new dose when i wa fine when i drank on 0mg thanks for any advice,Depression +39092,wtf are we doing here,Depression +39093,it s gotten so bad lately i am basically in a constant state of fear i can t get a break from it whatsoever just a constant state of being afraid impending doom and panic any helpful word and tip would be greatly appreciated it s so debilitating and disheartening,Depression +39094,i just read this line somewhere the problem with silence is that it s usually not complete it got me thinking how i usually like to drown the noise around me by playing some music in the background the noise make me anxious or irritable at time but then i would probably not be able withstand complete silence a well because then i d be left alone with my thought which isn t exactly comforting and i sometimes get anxious if i completely cut off outside world because then i m anxious about not knowing what s happening out there damn it s frustrating any of you guy face this a well,Depression +39095,i ve experienced this before they describe this one a brain zap but this time it s much worse it s at the back of my head now like near my neck then it s followed by intense pulsing feeling somewhere between the back of my head and neck and i feel like something bad can happen to me anytime i m not even feeling anxious at all right before experiencing this one anyone else who experienced this,Depression +39096,i am pretty sure i have a porn addiction in particular i find myself drawn to the casting type video my therapist and i have discussed that seeing amateur and novel stimulus is sexually stimulating especially for someone who ha searched for porn all their life i d like to think that i am not hurting anyone besides myself in consuming this porn but i experience urge to watch girlsdoporn if you are not familiar many girl within this casting channel were coerced into filming and were essentially assaulted on screen i know morally that i should not watch these video and i always am able to stop myself but i am just so so ashamed that i have to seek validation on google is it wrong to watch gdp in order to stop myself to me it feel a though i need google to reaffirm my moral i just feel so weak when i am horny and after i am horny i just feel this terrible guilt am i a horrible person who view woman a nothing a sexual object am i so far removed from the concept of empathy that seeing woman possibly being assaulted is le important than satisfying my sexual urge how do you all view this situation do i pose a threat to those around me i feel a terrible shame but these feeling seem to almost evaporate when i m in that mood therapy and med have helped but i need to kick this habit and i don t want to hurt anyone i also feel that future relationship would be ruined if they were to find out about my blatant disrespect for woman,Depression +39097,i ve been on just about every ssri under the sun i ve been on hydroxyzine i m currently on 0mg of buspar x a day 0mg of seroquel and 0mg of remron it is not working for me i still can t leave my house i get anxious the second i step outside i get sick to my stomach dizzy light headed my toe and finger tingle and i feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest i go into tunnel vision and shut down i can t even escape my anxiety a i have very anxious dream i need the help of medication that will actually work i just want to feel human again,Depression +39098,i want to sing but i m afraid of everything my voice is shaking when i speak and it make me cry even thinking about singing or practicing plus to that i wa in music school when i wa a child and my music teacher just stopped working with me said i am useless and should just be quit when others sing i really need to start singing it s killing me but i am afraid to go to school for anxiety and childhood memory of being shit at singing and i am afraid of practicing home because i think neighbor can hear me i can t cope anymore,Depression +39099,i have no idea if this is anxiety but this is the reason why im asking lately i ve been extremely overthinking the most smallest thing and worrying about the most thing that i ve been overthinking about this happens throughout the day and disrupts my life it s even disrupting me whilst i m typing i worry and overthink thing that could cause health problem but the thing are sooo small i ve wasted so many food thinking this could be dangerous i know it sound stupid because i can barely even explain it it s taking a toll on me but i know that the other day when i got outside the house i wasn t thinking about it and i felt better but then when i got back to the house and started up again i just know i keep overthinking and worrying about the smallest thing health related i can t tell you the amount of time that i ve been back and forth to the doctor this year and last year worrying myself,Depression +39100,i don t know if something like this ha happened to any of you but if i try to sleep on my bed i wake up in the middle of the night or can get any rest i can only get to sleep on the couch i m worried about this because i don t want to sleep on my bed any tip,Depression +39101,hi im doing my master degree my grade are dropping the note my teacher are leaving are nasty thing like you are not creative you don t know how to write this wa not the case in first semester i got straight a and now in this exchange semester thing are just going to hell i lost my confidence i can t write im panicking that im not good engouh and the voice in my head keep telling me that im a stuipd failure the medicine are not stopping that and now i have this paper to sumbit and i just cant start writing bc i feel stupid im just tired i just want the voice to stop and to feel happy about myself and what i accomplished,Depression +39102,and tell my that i will be ok and my life is not in shamble because of a stupid stupid decision i made it s been day that i have not slept but just thought about the situation i can t seem to solve i should have just not tried to overachieve some shit and now i am left with nothing nothing and my career is even worse than if i had just done nothing i am shaking i am anxious although i have never had mental health issue before and my life is a mess every stability i knew is getting pulled away from me and i have even failed myself at giving myself some stability everything is a mess please i can t deal with it at all i want to wake up in a different life every morning i can t get a break from being anxious and worrying not even for some sleep that is how badly my brain is coping hope there will be some answer to help me cope ha anyone else hat a full week of constant anxiety,Depression +39103,ok so ever since my anxiety attack i am convinced being tired is fatigue and a symptom of death can someone please just put me at ease,Depression +39104,i feel so anxious about school and suddenly there are so many people who reaching out to me for help and thing like that my mind just can t seem to calm down i feel like cry and vomitting at the same time but i can t take a break cause of school deadline i just want this madness to stop,Depression +39105,i had really bad anxiety about a year ago it made it difficult to swallow and to eat and just made everyday a chore recently i ve started to become more zoned out a if i m living in a dream there is no reason for me to be anxious but ala here i am i can not control my mind and i ve been on mg of zoloft for about month now and now that the symptom are starting to return it s making me even more anxious and i fear the anxiety may come back,Depression +39106,i ve had panic attack on and off all day it all started at am when my apartment broke out into an electrical fire luckily the place doesn t look too bad i wa actually allowed back inside i just don t have any power at the moment i go to uni though so i ve been doing work i only had a couple scorch mark on my wall my chair and the outlet cover on my wall where the fire came from melted it wasn t a great start i felt really down and out of it then i went to school and at the end of my band rehearsal i started having a panic attack halfway through the final piece we were running through i broke down i tend to hide my emotion so it wa very scary i haven t felt the same since i feel so behind i ve been in a depressive state for the last little while and i m very behind on school work and that kind of stuff i just needed to get all of that out sorry,Depression +39107,i m had a huge panic attack after taking my xanax dose i whole body went numb i wa having trouble breathing i felt nauseous i thought i wa having either a stroke or a heart attack i spent an hour on the suicide hotline i wa ready to go to the hospital i m afraid to go to sleep tonight i m afraid i won t wake up i m tired of being on so many med i want to take back my life,Depression +39108,skip to the end for my main point lol i m the worst overthinker i must think of all possible bad outcome so i can prepare myself for them obviously all it doe it cause extreme anxiety and exhaustion i m a big what if person and my what if s are always negative yay for catastrophic thinking when stressful thing happen my mind run nonstop it feel like a tornado in my head and i can t get a grip i can not sit with uncertainty and i feel like i need to solve issue right at this moment because i feel stuck so i write down my thought i really like the mantra of cross that bridge when you get to it in my current situation i keep telling myself that but a i wa writing my thought out i wrote something to add to that that is helpful to keep telling myself i just thought i d share in case it can help anyone else when i start thinking what if i try to stop myself and say i don t need that bridge yet i m still in traffic here s what i came up with you are building bridge to place you may not even go to and it s waisting energy you don t have to drive anywhere right now you re just in traffic right now traffic doesn t last forever even though it may seem like it eventually thing will get moving and you ll get to where you need to be if you come to a bridge you can decide if you want to cross it or go another way either way you choose you ll end up where you need to be,Depression +39109,i thought it wa an interesting way to look at it and wanted to share with you all,Depression +39110,currently trying to redecorate on my own new to living alone too to feel more empowered i have been redecorating finally ordered a new couch chnage is scary lol anyways my couch wa supposed to arrive wednesday but it came early and i m not prepared i don t have a cart to get it up at the moment i m concerned it will be stolen rationally who would steal a pound thing and a another oddly shaped packaged but maybe or that the apartment will send it back before i can get the cart tomorrow to bring it up i emailed them just in case even if neither happen i don t want to ask anyone for help bringing it up because i either feel like a burden or i don t want to socialize with anyone while dealing with the couch cause that give me anxiety already preferably i d pay someone but how would one even do that for a task that take minute max just seems silly so now if i m lucky and my couch is still in the mail room tomorrow after work when i have a cart then i must be physically capable to get the couch up on the cart into the elevator and into my apartment myself i think i can do it but i m scared a to what s going to happen anybody have any opinion on this am i overthinking i read somewhere that anxiety can be confused with feeling of excitement too maybe that s what s happening idk man i want to know it will be okay,Depression +39111,hi i have a social anxiety disorder and everytime i m stressed for example medical appointment my heartrate go to the roof while i am sitting and get my blood pressure checked my heart go 0 bpm this is so embarassing everytime i have to explain that i am very nervous and the medical stuff doesn t have to worry is there a specific way to get my heartrate down to normal in these situation thank you,Depression +39112,doe anyone else feel this way too during an attack it will come on like a rush out of nowhere no trigger that i m feeling for instance whenever i go to like target or walmart i tend to get this it s almost like an overwhelming feeling and feeling faint i never seem to be able to finish my shopping fully due to this because i just want to go checkout a soon a this wave come on i hate this so much,Depression +39113,been a stressful few week dealing with my college that overcharged me and now won t help me with getting the money back bank lost the check i asked the college if they could cancel the check and refund the money to my bank account but the lady who answered the phone at the college blamed me for not knowing what a check is and said that s my problem hence i had to keep calling the bank again and again w no answer to rectify the situation when they did pick up the bank blamed me for not notifying them that the check wa from the college i showed the bank the letter from my college in person so they should know the full situation and even told her to track the check number and amount but she said it couldn t be done but when i called the hotline they were able to do it idk why but this stressful situation ha made my anxiety skyrocket to an all time high i keep thinking someone will blow up at me and call me stupid i grew up with a father with an explosive temper who would curse you out for 0 minute for spilling water and wouldn t hesitate with getting physical i know this doesn t make sense but i feel like someone is going to blow up at me and i would be powerless to stop it i feel like everyone who i dealt with actually hate me and my heart won t stop beating so fast and i feel nauseated all the time i wa cry in bed last night because of how stressful this whole situation wa i know other people have been through worse and i m sorry for posting this but this anxiety and all the bad thought is really taking a toll on me please i really hope someone know how to deal with this,Depression +39114,hi my bf and i are dating since year we love each other very much but i had my diagnosis anxiety and depressive disorder due tu my anxiety month ago and there ha been a lot of change my bf is very comprehensive but sometimes he say thing that i don t understand like since ish month he keep telling that i make no effort in our relationship that i am always sad or tired or angry or sick i often have ordinary cold etc i already had a discussion with him explaining that i can t help it that i ll try to change my behavior that sometimes my disorder affect me so much that i can t move and he seems to understand but it all start again week later besides when i have panic attack he help me well i don t understand why he keep saying thing like this it make me feel guilty i try really hard to make an effort but sometimes i just can t and for those asking yes i have already talked with him about this but nothing change i understand that it may be tough for him to have an anxious gf but his word cut deep sometimes i am currently in therapy and with a treatment ha nobody experienced a similar situation how did you guy manage relationship and disorder,Depression +39115,i recently started a new job and i m finding it difficult to socialize with my some of my colleague i have no problem with one on one but i tend to struggle with social anxiety in group setting a a result i often avoid joining my group s table during lunch fairly small around people my biggest concern is that i m half everyone s age and they ve all known each other for year in addition these are group of people i wouldn t normally interact with in social setting when i joined the table at one point i felt awkward and out of place worrying about everything that came out of my mouth i also joined them during happy hour but felt bored out of my mind and didn t want to be there i have made work friend during my orientation but they all ended up working different shift so i rarely see them i ve been spending my lunch alone so far and a much a it s way le stressful i sometimes feel sad and lonely i am not the only one alone in the break room though i didn t expect to be that person although i don t particularly relate to my colleague what are some way to get closer to them side note i work alongside with them all day hr shift in a lab setting so it s not like i never interact with them i can t tell if wanting to spend break alone is rude antisocial or actually common,Depression +39116,i ve made like post already in different part of reddit trying to explain the mess that is myself and my life story but i swear this time i m gon na try and get a grip on all my thought and what i think is messing up me and my life ok first off i don t think i ve had anxiety or at least not nearly a bad until like year ago after i quit my job it wa fine at first but a the year went on i just slowly started to feel more and more like shit right after i graduated high school like almost year ago my dad s alcohol problem really started getting bad and he wa already sort of an asshole but it really ramped up when he started getting wasted every day ditching work not taking care of himself a much etc he started guilt tripping me into taking care of him and it got to the point where i basically had to babysit him until he either fell asleep or ran out of booze mom eventually got to that point too and from there it wa basically constant verbal abuse and a sense of worthlessness until mom finally got disgusted with herself and him and slowly began shaping up but that wa only because they ran out of money both theirs and mine by the time they started becoming relatively functional again my mental state wa fucking shot and i m surprised i m retaining enough sanity to not kick the shit out of them and anyone else all i got out of it wa the neverending fear that if i do anything to upset them they re probably gon na kick me out of the house more on this later now we re living with dad s mom who s crazy but still function much better than either of them and i would be fine around her except she doesn t even want me around and if dad keep getting fucked up then i would be kicked out while he get off with basically no punishment starting the year i quit my job i developed a porn addiction that i didn t even think wa possible until just recently i don t know if it s the main cause of all my problem but if it make me feel any better i ll quit on the spot i want to move out go to college start my own life and all that fun shit so badly but there is no way in hell i m gon na be able to pas class get financial help or even take care of myself in the mental state that i m in right now i m trying to avoid online college because i miss being able to go out and meet people and be a weirdo and there s no way i m gon na get anything done sitting in this house i don t have any idea on what to do except sit around and pray for some sort of miracle because i m completely fucked at this point i can t even bring myself to get out of bed most of the time sometimes i ll fall asleep for no reason and i can t tell if it s because i m freaking out too much or there s something else wrong with me after i ve spend the past couple day reflecting on everything that s happened and constantly fearing that my family will eventually throw me out i think i ve lost my mind i want to believe it ll pas but i have no idea anymore right now i think my best bet is cry until i get enough financial assistance to move out and start college but i have no fucking clue where to begin on that i don t care how low quality my life and housing is i just wan na get away from my crazy fucking family they re one of the few reason i have anxiety whatsoever the only other thing that really give me anxiety are project because i can never finish them presentation because i can never finish them properly and driving to a destination for the first time because my sense of direction is utter shit if i have any other random related thought i ll edit them in but for now i think this get my point across if this post doesn t belong here i ll move or delete it or whatever if this post seems like a mess it s because it is and i m sorry edit ok another thing that really fucking bother me is my parent are always telling me i m so smart and all that but then treat me like a dumbass i really don t feel smart at all especially after how much i struggled in grade middle school and how much trouble i have figuring out anything past basic stuff the only reason this give me anxiety is because if i can t do normal schoolwork there s no way in hell i m gon na be able to do college level work like should i even attempt college when i have nothing going for me edit i forgot to mention the reason i hate when they call me smart or anyone really is because it s just an excuse for me to do more work instead of it being some sort of compliment edit will having a sugar addiction give me anxiety make it worse because ever since i got to grandma s house i ve been eating a lot more sweet junk food because she won t stop buying it if i need to cut that out too i ll try my best tl dr family crazy terrible decision from everyone how do i stop feeling like shit and move out,Depression +39117,ha anyone used benadryl for anxiety attack i started using this because i refuse to be on benzos and find it work just enough to make it more manageable and wanted to know if others did too,Depression +39118,hello everyone thank you for taking the time to read this i m very new to anxiety and wanting to learn technique on how to navigate my way through episode i ve began changing my diet and gone back to being active although not a much a when i wa in better shape in order to keep my mind busy during the day however it flair up at night time randomly and i ve gone to the er a few time out of fear of it being a heart attack thankfully they ve all been negative however i still find it hard to shake the urge to go there i recently got some lab work and my pcp told me i have slightly high cholesterol but manageable with diet and exercise vi ramos d deficiency which i m supplementing with caroming and ensuring i get sun for at least an hour a day however the worse thing that flared it after almost a month of episode wa hearing that i m at risk for heart disease so i ve gone into overdrive on changing my eating habit and working out to ensure that i can lower my chance a much a possible there lie my fear whenever i feel the slightest change in my heart beat i become hypersensitive and can t shake the feeling and it spiral from there thankfully i ve had my mom and girl friend to lean on and they ve been godsend i ve also had heart to heart with my mom during episode that seem to help it come to an end i m aware that i must change aspect of my lifestyle to ensure my health stay good and i prolong my life but is there anything else that work for you maybe there s something i haven t thought of i also wanted to post this so that i could feel part of the community this is new to me and i m making myself a vulnerable a possible in real life being letting my family friend and co worker know whom all have been awesome btw and allowing them to know where i m at but there s something about surrounding myself with others that are currently working through it take make me feel stronger supported it might be late for a majority of you but i d appreciate any advice whether it s a movie scene book or activity i m open to all thing to add into my repertoire i just came down from an episode so i apologize for any spelling error or if my thought we re convoyed correctly thank you,Depression +39119,my sibling ha been dealing with anxiety and depression for awhile it s definitely been affecting his health alcoholism loss of appetite mood swing however he won t acknowledge that fact that he need to see a medical professional we have tried to talk to him about his drinking and health but doe not care to get checked anybody have tip on how to move forward it s tough to see a sibling deteriorating but i don t want to keep heckling him a it get him more angry and le likely to see someone,Depression +39120,symptom of panic disorder include http www nimh nih gov health publication panic disorder when fear overwhelms sudden and repeated panic attack an intense worry about when the next panic attack will happen fear of impending doom avoidance of place where panic attack have occurred before panic attack can come on suddenly at any time and often do not have an apparent cause there are many different symptom that can occur during a panic attack the symptom of a panic attack include http www nh uk mental health condition panic disorder chest pain http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition chest pain a racing heartbeat or both sweating http www healthgrades com right care skin hair and nail hyperhidrosis excessive sweating nausea http www healthgrades com right care digestive health nausea dizziness http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition dizziness or both feeling faint shortness of breath http www healthgrades com right care lung breathing and respiration shortness of breath with or without a sensation of choking trembling chill http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition chill or hot flash http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition hot flash numbness http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition numbness dry mouth http www healthgrades com right care oral health dry mouth a feeling of dread feeling a though you are not connected to your body ringing in your ear not everyone will experience a panic attack in the same way most panic attack last – 0 minute though some can last up to an hour,Depression +39121,what is the longest youall have gone without anxiety,Depression +39122,it happens to me i would like talk to someone who is not my nationality and talk english german but i m at the same time not comfortable with speaking in that language,Depression +39123,matched with a guy on a dating app we went on a few date hooked up a couple of time but it didn t work since both of u got too occupied with our work and we had nothing to talk most of the time but now after like a month i see this guy on my dance class whatsapp group and he is about to join the same batch i feel so anxious and weird first i dance horrible but it didn t really matter because i didn t know anyone there should i leave the class what do i do the class wa like an escape to me since i recently moved to this city and i don t want to leave the class but i also don t want to see him there and show him this side of me help please,Depression +39124,hi everyone amp x 00b being a sexually abused survivor a child to dealing with many trauma of anxiety and depression related to family member and myself i felt like i need to do something now so i am working on a project to help people with mental health challenge that enjoy playing video game on their if you are open for me to ask you some question privately just say yes and i will send you a private dm i appreciate the support i hope i can help like others who have helped me deal my trauma and anxiety,Depression +39125,so i have a stutter and i ve always been insecure about it i wa with my best friend and his friend and his friend made fun of someone s stutter because he s not aware i stutter this made me realize how easy it is to make fun of people behind their back i felt really bad that night and started cry when i got home cause it made me realize i didn t know who wa being real with me and i felt a tho i wa devalued flash to today and it wa still bugging me but i realized something those people aren t exclusively making fun of people like me but making fun of a lot more than a stutter people are made fun of for stutter tic religion sexuality lisp appearance and more i realized it s not my problem to worry about them and most people that make fun of others will show themselves with time and real nice people will never do that this made me content and i wa happy i forgot about it for the most part and went about my business but i posted something to reddit about it and someone said they had a similar experience and it lead to going into psychosis and being paranoid about people talking badly about them this made me almost have a panic attack when i wa eating with my parent because going psychotic is one of my biggest fear ever since then i ve felt so anxious it took a good 0 0 minute to calm myself down and not be on the edge of a panic attack ever since then i can t shake this thought but now for a different reason instead of worrying who s judging me i m worrying if i believe it i ve had this fear before but when it s bad it get so bad it feel like i m already psychotic even tho i m not and today wa one of those day it feel like the thought you believe if fact and i have terrible depersonalization this ha happened time before this and normally after a good sleep my anxiety tone down a bit but since this is a little different and it started out without that anxiety doe that mean i am going crazy instead of thinking anyone is judging me i keep asking myself if i think these specific people at my work would judge me idk why once again that wa cause ocd started to ob on it now but since i had this thought before ocd doe it mean i m going crazy or am i sane since i m worrying so much about it,Depression +39126,hello i ve not posted here before but i ve wanted to for a while always debating back and forth whether or not to do this but here it go i think i have some general anxiety i cope decently well with it physical exercise like running ha really helped my main problem is driving i know how to drive i have my license but i never do i m terrified of it i m turning i ve maybe driven thirty time in my entire 0 year of owning a license i don t know what it is the idea of crashing the traffic i ve gotten away with it so far living in nyc but it s something i want to do more of i just never seem to be able to do so doe anyone have any tip any advice they could recommend thank you,Depression +39127,for context the last year of my life ha been filled with bad mistake regret fear anxiety attack and existential crisis that have left me feeling numb and indifferent to people i believe i ve become emotionally unattached and this ha created a fear in me that i may have lost the ability to fall in love or never wa able to from the first place am i overthinking this or is there more to my struggle,Depression +39128,hey r anxiety i didn t know where to put this but figured it s mainly a side effect of my anxiety so i went with here i ll just get into it i m a 9 yo male that s been diagnosed with anxiety and other disorder mdd odd adhd polysubstance addiction this may sound weird but i wanted to know if you guy recluse by choice a someone who want to have friend and a strong social aspect in life but just doesn t have the social skill to i m curious if you have a similar experience knowing that it s not a choice is probably the hardest part for me like i see everyone out having fun spending the day with their friend and it destroys me inside knowing that i don t won t ever have that i live on the sideline which make me want to stay inside even more to avoid seeing that and feeling so i sit in my room the whole day getting high the only other place i go to is my job which i can t even look up at eye level out of fear of accidently making eye contact with someone i just feel like everyone s automatically put off by me which then make me act in a way that actually doe put them off i just want someone to talk to that s not either my mom or my dad i thought about it and realized that once my parent die i will have nobody which at that point what s my life worth,Depression +39129,someone who i know also suffers from anxiety also told me that everything will be fine and those are word i sort of never am able to grasp and i think he saw the look on my face that these word almost didn t make sense to me,Depression +39130,so i went to the hospital yesterday after having an anxiety attack and i still do have anxiety a i m typing this i wa just wondering if the level rise in the blood during stress my wbc count wa at 0 and my neutrophil count wa at 9 i wa just wondering if anxiety and stress brings them up i also deal with costochondritis so you can see why i have anxiety because my chest is always tight,Depression +39131,aripiprazole for some background i m and have diagnosed panic disorder ocd and i m getting an assessment for adhd my psychiatrist also said i have a mood disorder possibly mdd or bipolar she hasn t officially diagnosed me yet i took zoloft for about month it made me incredibly restless even more so than i wa before for of those month i wa taking aripiprazole on the side i noticed zoloft wa helping with my anxiety but not with my depression my main concern is that i recently got taken off the zoloft because it wasn t working i expected to be prescribed a different antidepressant to try but no now i m solely taking aripiprazole do you guy have any experience with aripiprazole i m really scared to be taking it by itself a i wa already going through a hard time where i didn t have any energy and aripiprazole make me more tired which is usually balanced out by zoloft but without zoloft i m scared i ll become a zombie i m also a bit concerned about long term side effect doe anyone know anything about those thank you in advance,Depression +39132,i m feeling so anxious my heart is beating fast and i m shaking i know my doctor is going to be ok but it s been a long time since i ve talked to a psychiatrist and now i am so worried that i am gon na forget to tell everything that s bothering me i can t make eye contact because of my social anxiety can t sit still feel the need to move around the room i m gon na ask the doctor for some new and stronger med because the one i m taking at the moment are not working a they should i hope that it s going to okay,Depression +39133,i ve been on venlafaxine for year or so it helped at first but it hasn t helped whatsoever in quite some time i take 0mg in the morning the last month my anxiety and panic ha been absolutely crippling debilitating and unbearable i called the dr today and he called in a prescription to increase me from 0mg to mg i hate taking any medication or pill whatsoever especially increasing a dosage anyone had any good result from a venlafaxine increase after taking the same dosage for such a long time,Depression +39134,so i am very fortunate that my husband ha financially provided for u while i have been going to school and working on my mental health i have one more year left and had to transfer for his job and determined that i would get something part time a well a finish my degree i applied to a school district job and got called back for an interview i m beyond excited and of course anxious i m trying not to pester those around me too much but my mind is reeling with all these thought a well a worry for me going back to work mainly if i ll be able to keep up to standard for a company and if i ll be able to communicate effectively in a professional environment a i have struggled with it in the past this could also be effected by the fact i m neurodivegent but i m not entirely sure the interview is wednesday i m going to journal to help get my jitter out and thought i reach out to other anxious individual who maybe had to deal with a similar transition also i haven t established a new therapist yet but that will be taken care of in the next few week so i need to talk about this somewhere tldr i m really moving forward in my life which is exciting but feel really anxious about it,Depression +39135,i m a very confident guy i m very socal and can speak to anyone but for some reason i have this weird like i dunno anxiety attack thing so basically i could be having a random chat but quite often if someone say something that could be deemed wrong or bad or something that i could potentually be hiding when im not i go bright red really hot itchy and im all awkward and can bairly make word out even if they arnt even talking to me directly here is some example i wa talking to a fellow work mate about our personal preference in woman i said i prefer smaller petite girl with small boob and he said nahh i dissagree it like a child s body and boom my brain somehow ha this attack that make me seem like i like kid or another one could be playing never have i ever and someone say never have i ever sucked a cock and boom it ll happen itll make it look like im hiding the fact that i ve sucked a cock which i havent could be anything along those line and i hate it and i always try my hardest to avoid any convos which could lead to anything like that i m a prison officer so sometimes they bring up corrupt officer in convos and it hit me so hard and they look at me funny like im hiding the fact that i m corrupt which i m not i hate it what is this and how can i fix it,Depression +39136,panic disorder is one type of anxiety disorder the main characteristic of panic disorder is the occurrence of panic attack a panic attack is a sudden onset of fear even without an apparent cause the physical symptom of a panic attack such a shortness of breath racing heart and chest pain http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition pain can often make people feel http familydoctor org condition panic disorder a though they are having a heart attack http www healthgrades com right care heart attack heart attack while most people will experience a panic attack at some point in their life those with panic disorder experience them on a more regular basis panic attack can occur http www nimh nih gov health publication panic disorder when fear overwhelms anywhere from several time per day to only a few time per year the fear of the next panic attack can affect your daily life and cause you to avoid place and situation where you had a panic attack before panic disorder often begin in the late teenage year or in early adulthood people assigned female at birth are more likely to develop panic disorder than male if you have had at least two panic attack with no clear cause followed by approximately month of feeling fear that another attack may happen contact your doctor,Depression +39137,ive definitely had a panic attack before but im not sure if the breakdown i often get are panic attack and if the one i know wa one wa just really extreme if that make any sense during the one i know wa for sure a panic attack lasted for hour and i couldnt stand up from shaking so much felt like i wa on the verge of throwing up passing out uncontrollably cry and hyperventilating lot of shaking all over huuge cold sweat and then i think i had a big sense of an impending doom or like my world wa completely broken without any hope i cant remember very well how i wa feeling emotionally sorry is that how every attack feel or wa that just an extreme one i frequently have breakdown where i emotionally feel the worst dread for every second like i cant cope at all anymore with my emotion leading to suicidal thought and like im completely unneeded or unloved by anyone and these come with painful cry hyperventilating a little shaking but i can still walk around think ok so im not really sure what to call these breakdown because emotionally theyre worse than a panic attack but physically im ok idk what to do about them though it make me feel like a different person and idk if im slowly losing my sanity it scary haha what do you guy think ive only been experiencing intense anxiety compared to how i wa feeling before for maybe month now and idk if it normal or if im really really not ok,Depression +39138,doe anybody else here get extreme anxiety and panic when you send a text to someone like asking a question or anything and they don t reply back or iphone user can see if they ve read the text message i literally spiral and i don t know how to deal with it sometimes they reply to me and sometimes they don t and when they don t i automatically think i m the problem or it ha something to do with me basically,Depression +39139,i called my doctor and told them buspirone wasn t doing anything for my anxiety attack and they said they d put in another prescription i just picked it up and it s called hydralazine but i can t find anything online about it being used for anxiety just hydroxyzine i had already taken it upon noticing this and now my anxiety is spiked,Depression +39140,i need help managing this idk what s causing it but you know when like you anticipate something happening and you get that sinking feeling in your stomach it literally make me feel terrible it s been happening since my toxic ex and i ended which wa year ago i wa on medication and stopped because it s only gotten worse overtime i don t think it ha anything to do with that i m sick of this feeling edit i only don t feel anxiety when i m drunk which is weird considering a lot of people i know get heightened anxiety,Depression +39141,hi everyone i faced my fear and flew from vancouver to calgary 0 flight time it wa a bumpy ride but i took an ativan before and didn t feel too anxious now i woke up to news about the plane crash in china and i m super scared to get on my returning flight home i feel so hopeless because i need to get home but i m so scared to fly please re assure me,Depression +39142,hi all m this past week wa my spring break so i decided to take a trip to visit my best friend in la who moved out here permanently when she left for la i wa so sad but so happy for her to get out of the environment of our hometown neither her or i belong there she took the step though and i feel a if i never can because i m to empathetic for my own good i could barely cope if i didn t hear from my mom once and day and it s exhausting i m like this on another note i m having new anxiety a i leave tomorrow for my flight i m so nervous she hate me now and will never want to speak to me ever again i didn t realize how heartbroken i d be leaving her again it s like i m reliving her leave our hometown what do i do,Depression +39143,i ve come to the conclusion that after year of therapy med and coping technique and never fully recovering i must have an overactive or damaged nervous system ha anyone else experienced this and if so do you have any tip on how to get started on healing it,Depression +39144,i m starting a new job tomorrow and i m extremely anxious about it i m excited to start this new chapter but i just wish i didn t feel so nauseous right now i ve come really far in overcoming my anxiety but i ve taken everything slowly one baby step at a time this is a huge step the only job i ve had in the past year is instacarting grocery shop amp delivery that i started month ago i did everything at my own pace day a week and maybe a few order a day this job i m starting is hour shift time a week i shouldn t have set myself up for so much but i need to start working towards my career a a dog groomer and this bathing job is an incredible opportunity to do so my living situation is changing soon in that i will need to bring money to the table so i didn t have much of a choice the worst part is i can t actually bathe any dog until i ve learned from the other groomer how to do it which will take time so i worry that the day will go by really slowly because i won t even be doing anything or getting paid until i am ready to start bathing which i don t know how long that will take a friend of mine who work there in the pet store not in the grooming room pulled a lot of string for me with the bos a well my entire family and boyfriend family know i m starting tomorrow and are so happy to see me finally starting to do something meaningful they ve all had a problem with my not working for year because of my anxiety i just feel like not only for my sake but for everyone else s sake i can not screw this up i feel like i m throwing myself into the deep end and hoping i can swim,Depression +39145,i m tired of working with others i like people i like meeting people some people are shitty some are amazing i have anxiety and this week i don t feel like going into the office to work i want to stay at home and not see anyone i don t even work in a big building i work in another city from the corporate office there s only other people who work in the office i do i didn t want to see them or anyone today this particular company is rough right now it s a fairly new company only a few year old and maybe 00 0 employee it s a toxic work place it s lot of strong personality but no leader people resistant to change and some people who don t work there s no leader no accountability i would love work from home but not for another random company i d like to make my own small business it suck working for other people especially company that don t care what happens a long a the work get done,Depression +39146,a few year ago there wa a pretty big hurricane that went straight through our city and i thought i wasn t affected by it until i started noticing that i get super anxious when it start to rain really hard or there s a lot of wind i noticed this bc i used to love the rain and now i start to shake when it happens anyway i m writing this because it s currently pretty windy maybe 0 mph my anxiety is already spiking because of that but i just checked the weather and saw that tornado were possible for the south aka where i live they kept saying possible not likely not low just possible so now i m terrified that the worst will happen our roof will blow off something my mom said she wa scared would happen during the hurricane and i ve remember that moment ever since our power will go out a tornado will end up forming etc the gust of wind alone are putting me on the verge of a panic attack and this weather wind cloud possible thunderstorm is supposed to go on for most of the week i feel like this is irrational but like i said i can t help but feel my heartbeat go up every time i hear the wind,Depression +39147,when you lay down to sleep and your head keep running thought which either give you guilt or anxiety and you can not stop and reach a state when you have to smack your head with head which cause some pain but give relax for sometime a now your brain focus on pain you have caused by smacking instead of running those stupid thought,Depression +39148,i started this job five month ago and i wa really anxious starting it it my first job and now i am pretty comfortable there my bos and manager really like me and have asked me to be a manager this is exciting and everything but the change horrifies me my schedule is changing and i really like my current schedule and loosing that feel like i am loosing everything the thing that scare me the most is they said i would need training at another location for 0 hour one week being part time this feel like i am loosing all my own time i am scared of the responsibility and feel like i shouldn t have taken the job,Depression +39149,i need to go to some routine female doctor appointment i am absolutely terrified i haven t gone to a doctor in year i don t even have a primary care doctor i know i m being irrational and stupid about it i m afraid that they re going to tell me i m dying or something doe anyone else feel this way,Depression +39150,i know i am not the thing my inner thought tell me i am but damn it hard to shut off the voice that tell me i m dumb fat will never succeed it s like my mind race telling me that i hate myself at worst i can even go towards thought of death and pointlessness,Depression +39151,every time i get out the house i start to panic and shake my grandma just got into the hospital and i feel so overwhelmed by everything i feel like the world is putting everything on my shoulder right now and every breath i cave in it s like i don t have anyone to talk to about my problem like it doesn t seem like anyone want to hear me or listen to me so why bother i just feel like i should just close down and shut myself in,Depression +39152,please tell me if this isn t the sub for this i ve been preparing an exam for a couple of month but everytime i try to revise it s like everything ive written down is wrong so i go over the material again and find bit that i didn t catch the first time and it s the same the next week it happens so much that i end up going over the same 0 page text like ten time even worse when i go to my note i don t get them i just recognize the word i m using when i find the passage in the source i took the note from i m really tired and almost feel like i have some kind of brain problem i assure you i m not a perfectionist i d be completely happy knowing only just enough to pas but it seems like i never even get the basic right i m assuming it s some sort of anxiety because it can t be explained by being a slow learner i ve been pretty constant with my study schedule just not assimilating anything i don t have any diagnosed learning disability i ve been to a psychologist a couple of year ago and she said so when i asked her so it can t be that either ha anybody got a similar experience did you manage to get through it i d appreciate any help,Depression +39153,i ve been off work for a week due to a neck injury i hate missing work i feel major guilt that others are working harder for my not being there i also have issue believing that coworkers bos will think that i m lying i don t know why i think this i had a doctor note for the first week off and my bos responded with i can t keep covering your shift i m having to pick up all the slack i explained it wa out of my control and i wa sorry for the extra work put on them cut to now a week later i thought i would be ok by now to go back in to work but i m still not well enough i have a physical job and neck nerve compression is making those movement difficult instead of just saying i wasn t ok to come back yet i said a small lie exaggerating why i wasn t able to work i said i had to go to emergency they checked me out and i m ok it instantly made my anxiety go from a 0 to a knowing the response back couldn t be a aggressive a the first i got from my bos i feel bad for lying i shouldn t have to lie i m actually injured but it made my anxiety much better is it ok to tell a small lie if it doesn t hurt anyone and it make you feel better,Depression +39154,i just doubt and am insecure about everything specifically my emotion a well a my time management and productivity for example i will feel tired then i ll think am i actually tired what doe tired even feel like am i just imagining and making this up i do this with every emotion including happiness and excitement it s ruined how i feel emotion i don t feel any of them anymore because i doubt them so much i just feel numb how can i start feeling emotion normally again and stop doubting them,Depression +39155,i met with my new psychiatrist today and she wa super nice and honestly so much better than the last one i m happy i have her now and i like her a lot i just forgot to ask her about the new medication i m taking so i already take wellbutrin and remeron i wa taking hydroxyzine but she just changed that out for propranolol which really isn t the one i m nervous for i m nervous because she prescribed me viibrid i m working my way up to 0mg i wouldn t be nervous about it if i wasn t on remeron which i take mg and it s really only to sleep and that s it it doesn t do anything else the thing is i know both of these drug can increase serotonin and i m terrified of serotonin syndrome especially since i m going to be going away from my house for a little while i called the pharmacy to ask about the interaction and they said at the dosage i m at is a very low change but i m still a bit scared ha anyone taken these medication together and been okay or doe anyone know if i will be okay if i do take them together,Depression +39156,i hate how my body reacts to anxiety by making me ill this last year ha been horrible for me because of it i d say most of the time it s manageable but it s still so exhausting on an emotional and physical level usually it s the standard nausea puking headache whatever but this last three week i ve had a faux cold a in i don t actually have a cold during the part of the day i m stressed out i have horrible symptom but when i m home after school or on the weekend or if i skip because of anxiety said cold go away which is so bizarre to me because i ve had the extreme nausea diarrhea etc that come with anxiety but never sinus related i mean i end up having a terribly runny nose or having hot flash to nothing when i m able to get away from stress the other day i literally had symptom of an ear infection supposedly stress worsens your immune system and i already have allergy so this is probably how that s happening but it s just awful i want to lay down and rest for a few day a if it wa a real cold but i don t need it of course i need to figure out how to settle the emotional stress somehow but i think it s just me being anxious because it s end of the grading session typing this out gave me a headache lmao i hate all of this,Depression +39157,i m going into surgery in le than hour and it s really starting to sink in i already have pretty bad medical anxiety from past childhood trauma i wa a cancer kid i ve been stress cleaning all day and keeping myself distracted but it just kinda hit me that when i wake up i will be going in like there s not more time left between and my anxiety is building rapidly some advice or encouragement would be appreciated,Depression +39158,but it s hard when your heart randomly start beating out of your chest all the time and your stomach feel fluttery and you can t sleep or if you do fall asleep you wake up panicking for no apparent reason,Depression +39159,i guess i just need to vent but i also feel really guilty about all this for context we re on vacation and today we went to find one of the stop which wa one of the national park on the way there i had a panic attack but i m not too sure why i think it s possible that it wa because my mom wa driving too fast but that seems dumb since i m used to it by now anyways my panic attack are basically just me cry and zoning out with quick breathing on the way to the park i had the panic attack and after we finished the tour i told my mom how embarrassed i felt about it and she said not to worry about it and that it s no big deal well a few hour later i got hungry and we went to get mcdonalds but i had another panic attack on the way back to the hotel this time my mom got really mad at me and said you know if you can t handle going on vacation and stress out this easily then you should just stay home i felt really bad about it but i didn t apologize because i just feel like she will get more angry now she s giving me the silent treatment and neither one of u even ate the food we bought i feel so awful because i feel like i had those two panic attack over something so stupid and ruined the vacation,Depression +39160,hi all going through a break up and the anxiety is so overwhelming right now to the point where i can t even think about food without getting nauseous i know i can t sustain myself this way but i just don t feel like i can get any food down i wa thinking i might just get some high cal protein shake or something ha anyone found a better solution to getting food in thanks,Depression +39161,so whether it is my phone or a phone from some youtube video it doe not matter whenever i hear a phone ring that ha that weird vibration sound or when alarm clock vibrates it really get me feeling uneasy to the point that it bother me very very much do any of you know what it may be,Depression +39162,i don t eat junk drink only water and tea don t eat dairy and even tried stopping with gluten not taking any med,Depression +39163,i m don t know how to explain it but any affection make me genuinely sick to my stomach it s weird because i m a loving person i try to be kind to everyone and help a much a i can maybe sometimes a little too much even with the smallest thing i try to come through and help because something inside me genuinely just say i should do it i can never respond correctly to any compliment and always try to find a way move around it or i just quickly think of a way to compliment them back so it doesn t feel one sided is that weird the only time i don t feel a way about it is when my mom dad or sister compliment me i try to interact with people but feel like they genuinely don t care about what i have to say and a lot of the time i don t know if it s in my head or if it s true when i get invited to meet i want to say something but never do and kind of just stay there silent listening a lot of the time i feel like i make my friend super uncomfortable too i can only come up with so much to say and usually just hope there s is more than one person there when i do talk i never know what to say or stumble over my word figuring out how to say it to the point where they interrupt me to conclude the conversation or move on don t get me started with romantic stuff every time i think about being in a relationship i genuinely want to vomit i feel so sick my stomach hurt it s also terrible because i really want to be in one someone to have loving bond with a two sided support system ups and down all that good stuff sometimes i imagine it too but when i do i physically get so ill like i m gon na throw up kinda feel like i m rambling but i don t understand what all this is tldr simple affection make me feel sick or uncomfortable even though i m a person who love to make others feel great and do my best to help them all,Depression +39164,ah well today wa my first day at university it wa okay kinda i had fun with the friend i had but there wa also a lot of stuff that made me feel small and pathetic first of all a friend and i got to the wrong building and went up four floor using the stair we had to go down and do so again with the right one it s embarrassing to admit but i m not exactly an active person so it left me exhausted and kinda dizzy i felt pathetic and wished no one wa there to see me like that i got together with my group of friend after that and to be honest i m irritated at myself for not talking more it made me feel kind of excluded even though i know that wasn t the fault of my friend after that i got lost when i had to go back in train because someone in my family said they were gon na give me a ride but didn t give me the right direction got blasted on phone for being late and when i got home i felt really awful i hate causing others inconvenience and i felt like i totally did when i wa eating a bit once i got back i noticed something strange in my mouth and whaddya know the gum behind the third molar is swollen but doesn t hurt my brain went into overdrive and now assumes it s my wisdom tooth even when this ha happened before and it wa nothing i m tired,Depression +39165,i am not sure if this is possible and i appreciate any information a few year ago i wa diagnosed with clinical anxiety depression and adhd i wa relieved and terrified and so sad it took me until adulthood to learn this about myself i began medicating under the direction of my psychiatrist after about a year i changed from zoloft to prozac due to weight gain i began experiencing night sweat for the first time in my life about month ago it wa sporadic for month or so than became nightly now it ha worsened to the point that i wake up multiple time a night to change sheet and pajama i m not wetting the bed but truly soaking it through with my sweat in a degree room with minimal blanket i ve had to replace plastic bed protector mattress cover and even my mattress i believe i am having panic attack while i am asleep and i am unable to remember them assuming i would remember having a nightmare at the same time or be semi lucid what could paralyze me in sleep while having normal pleasant dream and cause excessive night sweat my change in medication did not correlate with the onset or increase in the night sweat i have had blood test mri pulmonary exam allergy test ultra sound and more no western doctor or my psychiatrist ha been able to find anything unusual that would explain the night sweat tl dr extreme night sweat begin in adulthood with no obvious cause desperately looking for advice on what might help edit 9 f,Depression +39166,older people tend to treat young people with anxiety like it s just a new trend and not a serious disorder affecting our daily life constantly trust me i wish i didn t have to demand wfh indefinitely because i ve been almost exclusively working from home for two year and it fucked me up anxiety wise i wish you understood how me not really talking to anyone once i m in the office or opting out of group activity isn t about being a bitch it s because one interaction can mess with my brain for hour and for day if i deemed it wrong in any way it s because i know i ll have to be buzzed on pill the entire time just to have a somewhat decent time i wish i wasn t like this just a much a you wish gen y and or z wouldn t complain about anxiety ruining their life to be lazy and avoid working a hard a you do or whatever you think it mean i wish i didn t experience this incapacitating and invisible disorder every single day of my life,Depression +39167,so usually night time is the one time of day where i feel almost entirely anxiety free but over the last month or so i ve been having very strong anxiety when going to bed and not in an overthinking kind of way my irrational childish fear about demon and monster have been crawling back in my mind for the first time in year and i have absolutely no idea why i can t stop thinking of horrible scenario that have to do with freaky thing in general and i feel mentally attacked by negativity that i haven t really felt before i m certain it s just a phase but i m still curious if anyone might have an idea to any simple psychological factor or cause i don t watch horror film i don t take any anxiety inducing medication i ve had no recent trauma or past trauma that hasn t been dealt with and i have been trying and succeeding at not worrying too much about what s going on in the world,Depression +39168,thick fog of dread in the front of my head that disconnect me from my interest appetite and ability to feel anything remotely close to ok and it s there tf is this,Depression +39169,i have suffered with shortness of breath due to anxiety ever since i wa diagnosed with gad generalized anxiety disorder about year ago doe anyone else have this it just feel like i will stop breathing doe anyone have any coping mechanism around this a it s really horrible a well a shortness of breath i also feel shaky and tingly and i have no idea how to calm down when i have these episode,Depression +39170,anyone else feel this or is it just me,Depression +39171,wa feeling fine today and i smoked a cig i know i know and i couldn t remember if i washed my hand before or after touching something like greasy like earlier i remember wiping some wd 0 off my hand lol just a bit i think i m good but overthinking wa fine otherwise lol sorry,Depression +39172,i ve been diagnosed with anxiety for about year now and a far a i can remember i ve never had a full on panic attack before or after my diagnosis for a few day now i ve been having random panic attack multiple time every day i start to tremble and i get major butterfly in my stomach i also can t breathe dry easily and start to sweat a lot what s weird though is that i can think perfectly fine and i can keep doing whatever i m doing while all this happens i can t pin point anything specific that is going on in my life that could be causing this nothing that make me anxious is happening right now i ve never learned any proper coping mechanism to combat this kind of thing either i m not sure what to do,Depression +39173,i always dealt with anxiety growing up primarily social anxiety however it never bothered me much and i learned to control it however about a week ago i woke up in the middle of the night shaking with a pounding heart i shrugged it off and went to sleep within a few day later i wa starting to fall asleep when my body jolted and i had a panic attack it took me about 0 minute to get over then i went to work without sleeping within a short time at work i felt sickly nausea chill fatigue many symptom all at once i rushed home and the symptom didnt leave for day a week ha gone by and i am still expierencing some sickly symptom but the worst part is the anxiety everyday atleast twice my mind freak out i can not sleep well my heart ha been beating rapidly etc i went to a counselor it ha not helped medicine calm me but the sickly feeling doesn t go away i do not enjoy work out anymore loss of appetite i can not be alone a much bc my mind flip out i have never felt so uncomfortable sick and weak in my life i am usually a closed book but i am open to anything now this is the most miserable i have been in my life a dramatic a that sound,Depression +39174,i ran out of ativan and have been waiting for my refill i also didn t understand the danger of taking it until now i can t really remember how long of a period i wa taking it i ve been prescribed 0 which i take of them every night to fall asleep i am sure i have had break because once my prescription run out i normally take some herbal stuff my question is i am day without ativan do i just quit cold turkey or keep taking it goal is not to be taking ativan anymore,Depression +39175,i need someone to calm me down i have a stutter and a couple day ago my best friend friend wa making fun of somebody with a stutter cause he s not aware i have one ever since then i realized how easy it is for people to talk behind people s back ever since then i ve wondered if anyone make fun of behind my back and i ve been taking individual people asking myself do i think they d make fun of me on one of my post regarding this someone said they went through this and ended up getting psychosis and paranoia that s one of my biggest fear and a i read that i almost had a panic attack and that wa like 0 minute ago and i still have that panic attack feeling and my vision feel very messed up and fuzzy like how a panic attack would be i m terrified this mean i m going crazy and i can t shake this feeling now that i m scared it mean i m going crazy i m thinking about it more i know anyone can be made fun of and i m no different am i going crazy i didn t have any ocd fear a this thought popped up it s only now since someone commented that and i m so freaked out can anyone help,Depression +39176,feel anxious when i dont follow my routine exactly for example i usually do the same task at work but do know how to do other task non are hard and take a few day to learn but however whenever i deviate from what i normally do i feel anxious that something bad will happen it doesnt make sense because i have done it before and have experience but still feel scared,Depression +39177,i ve only known my boyfriend for month official for he ha briefly opened up about having anxiety all i know is that he ha previously been medicated for it but not currently today after i left his place he messaged to apologise incase he came off odd he wa feeling anxious for no particular reason and that it just happens sometimes i told him not to worry about it now just before i go to sleep i messaged him to see how he wa he seemed fine initially but when i asked he stopping answering so regularly i m not sure if asking him wa the right thing to do i want to make it known that i care and that i m thinking of him but i m not sure if that make it worse i have never known how to help friend with anxiety either since it seems to be so rooted in not being able to talk about it,Depression +39178,for about a week now i ve been experiencing extreme anxiety and panic restlessness a need to move my leg etc it s been waking me up in the middle of the night or it hard for me to fall asleep bc the sensation is just so uncomfortable i also feel wired and like i have all of this insane amount of energy i have no pain and my heart beat honestly seems pretty normal maybe slightly elevated at time however i keep getting this weird uncomfy fluttering tingling sensation in the middle of my chest that will not go away it is so hard to describe a little bit of butterfly in my stomach a well a slight nausea i notice with some cbd i can calm down and feel alright but i don t know if anyone else experience this it almost feel like my body is actively fighting a panic attack for day on end i ve been to the dr like time in the past month and have had ton of blood work done and had low vitamin d and low iron but i ve been on supplement now and have been feeling better there wa no other concern from my dr so i don t know if this is health anxiety or from something like gerd i just fear i m either crazy or i m dying or it s both,Depression +39179,hey guy i m a year old male who just recently give or take 0 day ago quit vaping and ever since about day after quitting i ve been having this uncontrollable illness anxiety constantly every day thinking i might have some sort of terminal physical disease i have no idea what ha been bringing this on i quit vaping to get rid of any anxiety it may have been causing me before such a paranoia thinking every car behind me while i m driving wa a cop or the like doctor prescribed me a mg x day dose of buspirone and it seems to help but i ve also been avoiding it during the day because i m afraid it might make me dizzy while i m doing certain activity last night out of nowhere i got really lightheaded dizzy vertigo and it scared me thinking if i tried to sleep it off it might be the end for me i stayed up most of the night with severe tremor because that s what my body doe when it panic my question overall is do you all think it s due to the nicotine withdrawal and that it ll get better over time i seriously don t know if i can live like this,Depression +39180,i m starting to feel afraid that my husband is trying to sneak stuff into my food i wa feeling this way then he finished making food for tonight and i told him i wasn t hungry but he kept pressuring me to eat which made me feel even worse i ate some of the food because everyone got food from the same container so i felt like it would be ok i don t believe that he would do this but i also don t believe he wouldn t i feel sick to my stomach with anxiety,Depression +39181,after a little trip to the er the doctor there gave me a week worth of ativan to help with panic attack my doctor now want me to take klonopin instead i don t want to be dependent on either of these two but i used ativan every night for 9 night to calm down from a panic attack is it dangerous to switch from ativan mg to klonopin 0 mg just worried about the stuff i read on seizure and my hand cramp a little after i take ativan,Depression +39182,somebody please give me some kind word waiting for my clonezapam to kick in,Depression +39183,my stomach is hurting all day from anxiety i have constipation what can i do to help this breathing is hard and it feel tight so i can t even breath properly no matter what so trying to breath properly wouldn t help because it feel impossible when my stomach and chest feel tight,Depression +39184,i am male and getting my dream education right now and will be working with young people that can t live with their parent for a multitude of reason anymore in year after year of being aimless i found that to be my dream job i am together with a nice girl and we have great chemistry i am living in my own flat and my grade and praxis are is going great i got professional help after a major mental breakdown i had year ago that made me live like a plant and got over severe depression and constant panic attack panic attack are rare and i know my trigger and how to deal with them i am confident in myself and got to reflect on my messed up childhood and problematic personality trait a couple of week ago i started feeling really anxious tho by far more than usual i am afraid of dying for stupid bodily reason and i am always so tense and have ache in my stomach and neck and my heart beat really fast from time to time and i am afraid my girlfriend will leave me that s what i am most anxious about she is really good for me and she told me that i am good for her but lately she act distant while still showing me affection in way because she isn t doing that good aswell there are reason for her to feel bad besides me but i am afraid that i might be a big reason because she wa confronted with a lot of my anxiety related issue logically i would say she won t leave me because gave me thoughtful present and still care for me by reminding me to eat and she sometimes say she miss me but she behaves so distant and it s triggering me so hard because of a toxic relationship i wa in i decided not to talk about my anxiety anymore because i don t want to lay that upon her and i told her about my abandonment issue once and will leave it at that because i don t want her to feel bad everytime she behaves distant because of her own issue that would be selfish hell she even told me she won t stop loving me even if she cant express it but my anxiety is still there the worst thing is that she doesn t want to speak about what s bothering her because she doesn t want to think about it which make me feel like it s me and then i feel like an asshole because i am not the center of the world so yeah long story short my abandonment issue are the worst thing right now i decided not to bother her with it because it s not fair but i don t know how to deal with it oh and those issue wouldn t be so bad if i weren t so anxious in general the general anxiety came with the practical part of my education but i don t know why because i am doing good i will be done with that in week and that s when i will meet her again and i hope that everything will be okay by then but i am afraid that i will be sabotaging myself before then by ruining my relationship just so that the anxiety go away,Depression +39185,when i got my diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder i wa very optimistic and relieved i had been living with this condition for many year completely unaware the diagnosis wa a spark of hope perhaps one day i d be able to recover with the proper combination of therapy and medication year later now i must admit i feel exhausted with life it s really depressing to live with the knowledge that i have to be constantly alert to my condition or it will spiral and get worse yes treatment can help but needing to continually use cbt meditation grounding technique etc just to do the thing normal people do without difficulty is infuriating i feel like this isn t nearly talked about enough in mental health circle anxiety and depression are portrayed often a condition which can be fixed with the right cocktail and not also sometimes a life long condition which can exhaust not only you but your loved one i don t know just feeling bitter today,Depression +39186,i ve been having these the entire day but i had sore throat since yesterday anybody else know what it is,Depression +39187,over the past couple month i have been suffering a lot with my anxiety i am in an environment where i am surrounded by people who dont care for me are blantantly rude and fake and pressure me beyond belief i am exhausted and want to be happy i m not saying for a second that i am perfect and nice all the time im a know it all socially awkward lack of an ability to stand up for myself but i miss being around the few people that love me and share my interest while i am around bad people i am in a place where i am in a place surrounded by thing i love i cant miss out on this i need to grow and be more confident i can live an adventurous life alone i dont need company i dont need a boyfriend and i don t need friend with me all the time i have been taking leap and going to museum and social public setting all by myself ivd been taking it slow and going to one place everyday or every other day i allow myself to lay in bed after and sleep i am so unbelieveably anxiois and distressed when i am out doing these thing but i am seeing thing i truly love i am experiemcing life i am going on an oit of city trip for a few day soon and i am excited to push my limit a i lay im bed stressed in pain and sleep deprived i am still pushing myself in the morning to go on another adventure by myself,Depression +39188,i ve finally been put on med after year of pushing through my anxiety the idea of going on med wa scary but i m hoping it ll be better in the long run the only issue i m having so far is i m so tired i m normally not this tired but i swear all weekend i ve just been sleeping i have no motivation to do anything i just want to sleep i m hoping that this will go away a my body adjusts more a part of me is scared that the drowsiness won t go away i m happy that i have this week off from work to try to get myself used to them before going back to work i don t want to be tired like this forever,Depression +39189,i dont think i can do this i am so paralyzed with fear and dont know if i can make myself go in even if i do what if i have a panic attack and embarrass myself what if i am not smart enough and mess everything up customer will probably be mad at me for being so slow im so scared i dont know how to talk with people small talk and all of that how do i not sound awkward i wont be alone because someone is training me and that make me so nervous because theyre watching my every move for eight hour,Depression +39190,over the past few year i ve had trouble with relationship being irritable weird eating pattern and suddenly being overcome with fear that i can not shake i have avoided telling anyone in fear of self diagnosing so my question is how do i know if it s time to see a doctor,Depression +39191,last night i had a bad night and a lot of suicidal thought i spend probably hr thinking if it wa worth it or not i didn t do it of course this morning my friend texted me and told me she dream that i killed myself in front of her she doesn t know i have depression and an eating disorder now i m scared that if i ever kill myself she s going to blame herself she told me that in the dream she felt guilty because she wa there,Depression +39192,i have to attend this place once every week and while i m there my mouth constantly generates saliva due to me being nervous this then lead to constant swallowing and i m a little worried people might start to notice is there any way around this any advice is greatly appreciated,Depression +39193,so in december i wa admitted to a mental hospital after developing psychosis i only had delusion no hallucination they ruled out schizophrenia and left it at marijuana induced i have a medical card although fitting the timeline i received a covid vaccine and wa hit hard with covid a week later right before all of this i did research into what other reason cause psychosis and covid and or the vaccine actually ha caused psychosis due to neurological damage from the virus i have always struggled with anxiety and have been on lexapro for the last year although nothing could prepare me for the withdrawal i had when stopping zyprexa i reached a point where i had an existential crisis which lead to existential depression while trying to recover i m a person who hyper fixates on thing so of course i couldn t stop thinking what s the point of doing anything i lost interest in literally everything i wa prescribed wellbutrin which helped me out of bed but did not let allow me to just relax outside of work i used to love movie video game etc now i can t even enjoy those thing without being in my head about how much i dislike everything i m curious though i m stopping wellbutrin today and have been switching over to buspar and lexapro combination while on wellbutrin i couldn t get drunk or high no matter how many shot 0 within a few hour i m definitely not going to continue that habit but wa curious if anyone else had this issue and did it resolve once stopping wellbutrin i don t mind living a simple life i have a good girlfriend good family good job and live in a small town in oklahoma i own a gym so some of my hobby are lifting weight and doing yoga but i can t obviously do that i need to be able to turn off my mind and watch some television or game i m hoping once i start being able to smoke again i ll be able to start enjoying the relaxation of video game and television also how is buspar tldr had psychosis developed existential depression on wellbutrin but i can t get high or drunk will that resolve when stopping also how wa buspar for your obsessive thought,Depression +39194,having difficulty swallowing fear or choking always needing water beside me wa one of my first symptom of anxiety before i knew i had anxiety that wa about year ago and that symptom still follows me around and is one of the most annoying symptom my anxiety ha manifested over the year and i ve had it all but i just realized that when eating chocolate i don t have the same fear a any other food i can swallow chocolate perfectly fine put a plate of food in front of me and on my worst day it take me forever or i can t eat put chocolate in front of me and i can eat it easily quickly and without fear seems odd i wonder if it s due to the reward center in your brain when you eat sugar more or le curious if this is common or just me,Depression +39195,ha anyone used seroquel at night for sleep and vrylar or palipidone in the morning my son need seroqual due to insomnia anxiety racing thought but we also need something throughout the day to keep his mood stable we have a call with his doctor this week but just wondering what others have done,Depression +39196,hello everyone i m 0 year old and a mom of four i got into a 9 month course for a new career in the health industry and i have month left these two month are currently my extern hour i found a great office to do my externship in i have no issue with the staff but mentally i have been dealing with a lot i cry the day before i go into work i don t enjoy my weekend because all i do is think about my job i just lay in my bed and shove my face with food which is a whole other freaking problem panic attack happen daily and i feel like it s affecting my family my energy is off and my kiddos can feel it i honestly could say that i hate this career it s not for me i have dealt with anxiety my whole life but managed to keep job and actually enjoy them what should i do,Depression +39197,i ve had a severe anxiety problem since i wa i m now i want to make a really good effort to find what the underlying problem causing my anxiety is when i try to think about it i just catch my self thinking very negative thought that are not necessarily true i realise this isnt much to go off for a good answer but i wa wondering what s the best way to really understand what my trigger are they seem random and unprovoked most of the time thank you,Depression +39198,i would like to know if anyone ha experienced the same thing a me or at least close to it and how ha he coped or even solved it to get you up to speed last summer i had to go meet my long distance girlfriend and thats when it all started a week prior to her coming to see me i wa gagging when eating and generally feeling sick because i wa afraid worried of meeting her which wa not normal of me but it happend during that period i did not think any of it a i thought it would stop happening after i meet her and leave again but it stayed i have it when i am going to school and when i eat from the time i leave my house and reach the school i gag all the way but when i step my foot there it stop when i eat after i finish i will start gagging and fight with my self not to puke january of this year came and i had almost removed it from my daily life maybe because i got used to the thing i wa doing so they did not give me anxiety but when i have to do something out of the ordinary it get me for example when i went to a car meet week ago the day where the car meet wa hosted i wa feeling a bit sick and right before i left my house i puked out of anxiety i dont know how to remove it completely from my life all i want it to just live freely with out having to worry if my gagging anxiety will kick in if someone can help me or give me a tip i would gladly appreciate it,Depression +39199,my lung and chest feel so weak for the last month i feel like i m not breathing properly and exercise make it worse the doctor have done load of test ecg x ray tube of blood everything came back normal and fine please help it s everyday and i feel like i m dying,Depression +39200,um ok first time on reddit but i need some help or advice or something sorry for the long post in advance i just need to get this of my chest i can t talk about my interest without feeling like i m going to barf no matter who it is it s especially bad when i m trying to talk to my parent my brother love music he s always talking about it and we re supper close but i only recently started saying hey i know like that song when he s playing music he begs me to share my spotify with him but i just cant i know he won t judge me but i don t even think i m scared of being judged another time he asked to borrow my computer for school work and i panicked i have nothing to hide but i watch a lot of show and read a lot of comic so i save the tab so i can finish them later and got scared he would see them i said no multiple time and he kept asking he wouldn t stop i tried explaining to him explaining to him how i wa feeling multiple time and he just got angry and said alright what are you hiding and i panicked i didn t want him to think i wa hiding something so i just let him use it it wa fine but i felt sick for the rest of the day i also don t like being on my phone around people especially my parent i know they go through my stuff they ve never said anything about it but they ll mention stuff i ve only talked about online hi guy if you reading this o pls leave me alone my mom wanted to show me something so she asked to use my phone and i panicked because i wa on twitter and i have a account i post art on and i didn t want her to see none of my family or irl friend know about it because i m so embarrassed i said no but she just reached for it she didn t see my twitter though she wa really angry and started saying i wa hiding something i got my phone back though and i tried explaining why i get so defensive about my phone but she couldn t understand i almost cried there s so many time i ve seen something in the store i want but just couldn t ask i can t be on my phone without thinking that someone s watching me through it or i accidentally sense that post i liked to someone s contact or i m broadcasting what ever one my phone to everyone around me i have a habit of biting down on my tongue all the time because i m scared i m thinking out loud and just can t here myself i m always paranoid and my family think i m hiding something no one know any of my interest outside of my vague answer like oh i like art i like watching movie i play video game and i think it s starting to affect my relationship what s wrong with me,Depression +39201,i ve had bad anxiety for five year and been diagnosed with panic disorder and ocd but the past three month are really scaring me i feel derealized dissociated almost all of the time i can barely go to class work drive even the grocery store because i have a fear of passing out or suddenly feeling disconnected from everything even fun thing i can t enjoy because i m so overwhelmed with anxiety and start questioning if everything is real or not i also feel like i can t even remember what feeling normal is supposed to feel like i don t know how bad my anxiety is anymore because i don t remember what the baseline feel like i m in the process of finding a psychiatrist but it seems like it s gon na be a while can anyone relate could really use some support tip right now,Depression +39202,it s march st i m so worried i wont get a job after i graduate from grad school in july i ve had interview have even been the final round of some place too i am networking like crazy have solid internship experience and a decent resume but there s this voice in my head that s like oh lol why would they hire you how do y all stop overthinking about the future,Depression +39203,i am deathly afraid of driving over an hour away from my town i hate the feeling that i m vulnerable to my car breaking down and me getting stuck over night somewhere is this stupid the fear is very intense and crippling the thought of having a panic attack somewhere off an interstate exit and being hundred of mile from anyone i know to bring me comfort,Depression +39204,so i would describe myself a someone who is pretty high functioning in term of living with moderate anxiety although in certain triggering situation it can become completely debilitating and a huge obstacle to making progress in my life on wednesday i have a job interview and i am just nauseated and so anxious even thinking about it it s only 0 minute long but i think it s 0 0 whether i ll straight up have a panic attack during the interview and i m absolutely dreading it the inability to speak to think in a straight line to remember anything to breathe properly feeling totally disoriented i m not trying to manifest it here but it s just the reality of how my body reacts to these situation and in year of my working life i have never come close to conquering it i have a wonderful partner i have been with for nearly a year now but she ha never really seen what anxiety can do to me when it get bad i guess i ve just been really good at avoiding situation that trigger it she s very sympathetic and encourages me to prepare but it s clear she fundamentally doesn t know what it s like to be debilitated by situation to the point of panic attack i tried to explain but she think if i prep then i ll just be able to speak without issue but it just doesn t work like that for me at all prep can only get me so far and half the time i ll just get a few sentence out then descend into panic i am so anxious just thinking about wednesday that i ve barely made progress with my prep anyway although i ll try my best to do some more over the next couple of day sorry this is just a rant and isn t a very meaningful post i guess i m just desperate for people to understand how horrible it is to feel so anxious and to know you re basically setting yourself up for a potential panic attack with an audience hope i can find my courage to get through it,Depression +39205,did quitting nicotine actually help anyone with their anxiety,Depression +39206,not to include too much gross info but she had blood in the toilet she teleconferenced with her doc who ordered a colonoscopy not sure if anyone with a medical background is reading this but if so could it be anything else the doc said it may be polyp one thing she left out wa that she had noticed narrower stool which i read is a sign of colon cancer i m just trying to put my mind at a bit of ease,Depression +39207,today i learned that nicotine can decrease the effectiveness of ssri,Depression +39208,i went to the psychiatrist and he recommended drop of clonazepam mg every day before i go to college the place my anxiety is the worst im really afraid because i never took any medicine any advice,Depression +39209,hello anxiety nauts amp x 00b for context i currently work in a job that i m supposed to love but cause me huge anxiety mainly because of the people in the workplace and the city that i ve had to move to i applied for a role at a different place that would allow me to live back at home with my parent live in an area that i know well would be a better use of my talent is better paid and is still in the field that i wish to work in i had an interview with them last week which i felt that it went very well and they said that they d get back to me today at the latest if i wa accepted for the second round i have so far heard nothing at all amp x 00b while it would really hurt to not get this job it s really sending me haywire that i ve heard not even a peek out of the employer today i m trying to grapple with the urge to ask for confirmation from them for fear of sounding desperate or needy even though i am pretty desperate by now i realise that i made the mistake of pinning my hope on this job but i couldn t help it amp x 00b i surely can t be the only person to be in this situation amp x 00b sorry to ramble hope you re all in a much better place than i am right now,Depression +39210,it must be annoying to be my friend employer fellow employee or anyone else who need to contact me i am scared to death of receiving bad news from people bring angry at me plan not working out or more responsibility being added to my plate that i just out right avoid any news all together im really scared that the government is going to come after me for incorrect tax breaking law which i have unbeknownst broken ect so i just avoid any and all thing that they could contact me through i dont even like doorbell this ha damaged my gpa because i don t even look at my school website so i miss homework and even test i guess i m just paranoid feel like the end is always drawing near and i d rather not see it hit me but it hit me regardless and it s impact is worse because i dint see it coming but because it hit me it reaffirms that bad news is coming and the cycle continues,Depression +39211,the past almost 0 month have been the hardest worst time of my life i ve always had a decent amount of anxiety and a little depression i wouldn t even call it depression just a little blue sometimes but these past 9 0 month have been so hard for me every day of my life i feel the deep almost debilitating heart beat making it hard to breathe waking up to that feeling is the worst thing i can describe just make me want to bawl when that s the first thing i experience when i wake up the constant feeling that i want to gag or puke from the anxiety having no true enjoyment out of anything no matter how hard i try i can only fake it i haven t been truly relaxed and at peace for so long i have a wife and a little daughter who i love so much i know they deserve so so much better than me the way i ve ruined their life with my depression and anxiety i know my wife get frustrated going thru this for almost a year i feel like i ve wasted the last 9 0 month of my daughter life and that absolutely kill me missing these special little moment playing more with her etc i just don t have the energy to like i should it kill me i try to talk about how i feel to my wife and my mom the only two i feel comfortable talking to my mom ha so much on her plate and my wife is going thru some family issue so i feel guilty even burdening them with my feeling and issue aka why i m posting here i honestly feel like i ve lost my mind and i m just so so so tired of feeling this way i ve dreamed about just going to sleep and never waking up and then ultimately feel guilty to even think of that with a wife and daughter i know my wife deserves better than me and she would probably move on at some point but my daughter is the only thing keeping me going i know i need to be on med but i m so scared i ll be put on the wrong one and make my mind even worse and make these intrusive thought even worse i m so scared of it i just want the suffering to end and have my life back i ve never been much of a user if reddit but this is the only place i can think of to vent how i truly feel anyone else struggling too i hope you find peace,Depression +39212,hi please help tell me someone had this and overcame it i can t do more diagnosis at some point i wa praying it s cancer because at least i d know what it is i m suspecting anxiety since i have severe social anxiety which is fuelled even more by the symptom it is something between itching burning stinging like if someone put thousand of needle in your scalp at the same time it happens usually when i suddenly feel my body temperature rising so during exercising in hot room etc when stressed anxious since it also happens in place that aren t even that warm like supermarket or in a bus there are no visible sign on the skin like redness or rash i ve had dermatological neurological endocrine and many more diagnosis but nothing wa found so i m suspecting anxiety it s been happening couple time a week always when i feel too warm for like 0 year but human body ha a fascinating ability to forget the intensity of pain doesn t it thread i saw that are similar usually talk about itching before sleeping or sensitive skin on forehand or something alike but this is a needle like stinging sensation all over the head whenever it hot please i m almost done,Depression +39213,i feel like when i m drunk i act like everyone else around me doe sober and i hate it like i ll talk more il feel more confident in myself everything in my existence will feel worth living,Depression +39214,hi my first post here i m a 0f who ha been diagnosed with anxiety and mild agoraphobia in july last year i ve been on medication ever since and it ha significantly improved my condition i attend university hang out with my friend go on date with my long term girlfriend and haven t had a full blown panic attack since january so in a way i ve never been better the problem is that despite my improved condition i still get highly anxious when i m anticipating something mainly date but sometimes also outing with friend when we have more formal plan in the morning i wake up feeling jittery and can not focus on anything i often feel cold and shaky my hand tremble awfully and in the worst case i have an upset stomach right of the bat then a i m on the train or a tram just second before the meeting i start feeling hot nauseous and lightheaded when we finally meet the panic reach it peak and i very often nearly throw up nausea and diarrhea are the symptom that terrify me the most and then it s over it take some time for me to calm down but this kind of intensity of symptom doesn t come back anymore it happens mostly when i go on date when my s o visit me or when i m hanging out with a completely new friend which is annoying because i feel safe and comfortable around her she understands my condition and helped me through it when i wa at my lowest and could barely leave my house but for some reason she still trigger my anticipatory anxiety the most it doesn t happen always not to this extent at least but i m always at least a little bit shaky and nauseous at the beginning and the not knowing whether i ll be okay or not okay on a certain day is in itself nerve wrecking to put thing in perspective i used to get anxiety attack even when making plan through text message just setting up a meeting could send me spiralling down now doesn t phase me anymore so a you see i m much better now ha anyone experienced something similar,Depression +39215,my doctor said they d like to talk about my bloodwork so i have an appointment tomorrow of course this wa this morning and now my brain is gone to over drive i spent all day sleeping with no motivation to eat drink get up i managed to get a bath but i also have a test tomorrow that i need studying for that call could just be anything but i m worried it s something absolutely terrible anyone else feel like this any advice,Depression +39216,ha anyone else ever experienced a state of almost constant light headedness brain fog just a weird feeling in your head due to anxiety just want to know if i m alone in this or not i ve had it for week now,Depression +39217,i had one not to long ago im kinda feeling down rn but it all good these thing just make me stronger,Depression +39218,hi i have always been concerned about not being normal because i have anxiety i realize that everyday is a struggle to survive to be mostly fine fearing so many thing i am so tired of feeling like this i wonder will i ever feel normal not being afraid and just live thank you for reading,Depression +39219,m i had extreme anxiety depression year of my short life i spent in a bedroom avoiding human contact at all cost didn t show up for family event had 0 friend cancelled every appointment someone else made for me to keep it short i seen no light at the end of the tunnel i realized the mental destruction wa all within myself it took me year of dark endless thought to realize that anyone in the same position please consider this if you are stuck in a bedroom move it will change you for the better go for walk get comfortable going to the grocery store get out the comfort zone you are in amp you will become a better person my dream seemed so far fetch but to others it wa normal life force yourself god ha a plan for everyone on this earth and that includes you,Depression +39220,not sure if actually anxiety related tbh recently during spring break my stress got the best of me and i ended up isolating myself and feeling unempathetic towards those who tried to contact me so i gave up on trying to express my feeling over text and wa really struggling with messaging and stuff today i realized that i wa having trouble getting any word out while speaking to those at school and my best friend yet i could talk to my family fine it s making my friend uncomfortable and i believe they are upset with me yet i can t even get my word out over text not sure what to expect putting this out there hoping for any explanation or help,Depression +39221,now i don t want this to turn into either a political debate or an echo chamber of fear but doe anyone else find it really hard to think about the future between covid climate change the far right and war i ve been feeling increasingly doomed since 0 and it s made it very difficult to live my life what is the point of setting goal or doing anything but spending time with your loved one when it seems like there might not be a tomorrow,Depression +39222,this is what my main problem boil down to i feel like i live my life inside my head always checking in on how i feel and if i m okay is my vision blurry am i dizzy is my hand numb etc etc i also think i have pppd so the unsteadiness and swaying rocking sensation affect me and freak me out the most if i wa free of this hyper awareness hyper vigilance element i really believe i d be fine but right now it really run my life ha anyone found way to reduce this or even get rid of it completely,Depression +39223,i have general anxiety i got into a minor car accident in a target parking lot we backed into each other i thought it wa 0 0 fault but her insurance say otherwise this is after she wa so surprised and so nice to me after the accident she hugged me plus she ha my first name a really uncommon first name since i have been so anxious going to my target it wa like a safe place and now i just feel anxious when i go i feel like i am just making it worse in my head i wa so frustrated and blindsided when her insurance said it wa my fault i feel so freaking stupid about all of this sorry for the mess of the post i am currently sitting in the target parking lot just trying to feel better i feel like i am just being insane,Depression +39224,this is an embarrassing confession to make but i feel like this is the only place i can seriously get advice i m a year old guy who ha already had awful anxiety around year ago when i wa young my mum wa super supportive about it and took me to therapy which seriously helped me for a while and i still absolutely love her for that after my therapy session finished i wa having the best period of my life i wa seeing and meeting new people and getting close with others but year ago my anxiety started coming back and a big part of my anxiety that i didn t tell my mum wa the fact i needed to poop during my attack it sound silly i know haha now school is a nightmare because i m scared to go in school due to it s small size and the fact that there is a very small amount of bathroom in the school i always have the feeling of what if it finally happens for reference i have never had an accident in school but have sure a hell came close i will also cancel plan with friend outside of school if i couldn t get it all out before we leave i ve left job because of this fear a well and i just feel like an absolute loser my mum doesn t like me staying off from school in any way and i feel i cant tell her this reason because it is genuinely embarrassing and she would believe i m lying i also want to get back on therapy but i don t want to break her heart after she wa so proud of me the first time and even cried for me my mum is a god send and i love her with all that is in me so i can t tell her that it back again i think i need med but i ve never been diagnosed so i don t know this sound absolutely ridiculous i know but it s something i ve been seriously struggling with and am typing this right now with diarrhoea the night before school terrified if anyone ha any similar experience and how they overcame this it would help me in way you can t imagine thank you,Depression +39225,he s high energy and strong willed he s only he mind and respect me but sometimes his persistence becomes too overwhelming to handle he will argue his point like a lawyer with every simple task or question i ask him and it s exhausting he sends me into an anxiety attack on occasion such a yesterday how do i keep my cool i want him to keep being himself questioning thing sticking up for himself etc but sometimes just a simple yes mom would be so relieving to hear,Depression +39226,so i am currently doing a school project where we have to come up with an empathetic invention that help solve a problem that you or someone you know is going through i struggle with anxiety specifically in social situation where i have to talk to new people my project idea is to create a bracelet with a variety of texture to help soothe provide relief ground someone when they are nervous that is discreet i wa wondering if anyone had any suggestion a to texture that help you calm down when you are nervous fabric thing you fidget with etc thanks,Depression +39227,i have a severe problem socially and going out in public i can talk to people on no problem but when i have to be around stranger in public or just a bunch of people i think everyone is looking at me or making fun of me and my anxiety will be so bad i start to walk weird af and it make people notice me even more and i just dont even wan na leave the house anymore i literally cant walk in a straight line when i have to walk by other people especially if they are with friend idk what to do anymore,Depression +39228,when i wa a teen i would burn myself with match because it made me feel better it ha been many year since i have burned myself today i got swarmed by yellowjackets and stung several time and instantly felt better i m not sure if it s the adrenaline or something else or if i m imagining it thought,Depression +39229,i wa fine for a year or so and then the anxiety come back worse than ever panic attack in the evening which make me feel like shit i feel so fucking bad inside of my chest and stomach and my thought don t stop rushing in the day and morning i m fine but in the evening i feel like i m losing my mind and i want everything to just be ok but how will i live with myself i m generally healthy i work out i do breathing exercise but nothing help and it fucking suck school actually calm anxiety because i have a task and i m busy but when i m home i feel so fucking lonely,Depression +39230,i ve suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life i ve also occasionally had some episode that might be derealization but i m not sure once in high school i suddenly got an overwhelming feeling that my boyfriend someone i d known well for year wa unfamiliar to me my heart wa racing and i felt like my grip on reality wa slipping it wa traumatic and i haven t experienced an episode that bad since then i m 0 now but i worry that it could happen again someday for those familiar with derealization have you ever experienced this,Depression +39231,a week ago i matched with someone on a dating app and shortly after starting to talk to them i started experiencing what i thought wa bad anxiety i m on antidepressant that usually surpress my anxiety really well so this wa really odd for me since then i ve been feeling nauseous anxious with an upset stomach every day even though everything s going relatively well in general and with this person i m talking to i ve never felt this much anxiety over a potential partner could this be excitement my heart ha been beating fast my leg feel a little light there s a tight feeling of nausea in my chest it can t be covid because the test i just took wa negative i just want this feeling of nausea to go away thanks,Depression +39232,for reference i am f graduating college in may i grew up in a really shitty town and i worked really hard in school to guarantee i could get into my dream college and move to a city where i thought i would find more likeminded people college sincerely sucked i had terrible friend now don t really have friend don t really like my major scared that i only have qualification for a job i won t like and not to mention half of college wa online because of covid i am so terrified of applying for job and figuring out what i want to do with my life this wa literally my biggest fear going into school wa that i would waste year on a degree i don t love and don t know what i want to do i feel like applying to job is also accepting that i am no longer a student which ha been a huge part of my identity for what year i also think having college be a huge disappointment make me really nervous for everything else like the narrative that high school and college are supposed to be the best year of your life is pushed so much and both really weren t great i ve also heard it really hard to make friend outside of school which scare me a lot i feel like i have a few friend that i talk to occasionally but i don t think of them a my best friend or that i am overly close with them i think i am a nice and interesting person who care about others a lot and i don t understand why i have had such a long history of really horrible friend who never really cared about me literally had my best friend in high school pick the guy who sexually assaulted me over me i just am so scared that life won t get better it seems so easy for other people and i don t understand why figuring out life ha been so difficult for me,Depression +39233,anybody else have anxiety about having an allergic reaction to a food even when they don t have a food allergy,Depression +39234,i m supposed to take one pill in the morning starting tomorrow i am not afraid of a new medication because i m already taking the other one but i ve never been on paroxetine and i wa wondering how is it working for you guy especially if it helped somebody who ha severe social anxiety like me did you have any side effect i know it s supposed to take week to start taking effect for this med,Depression +39235,i have my week follow up with my dr after having my medication prescribed i wa given buspar and xanax but have only taken the buspar a xanax is only for when i have a panic attack so far i have noticed i am a lot calmer over all i still get worried but i know it a bit diff my mind over all feel quieter my mom ha said im talking a lot and at work i am for sure talking to more of my guest and client sometimes i feel dizzy mid day or at night and if i have a snack it ok but it going away i also had some weird dream but that too is going away i dont know what else to look out for or mention to him about how ive been feeling or what might be important to say or consider is there anything besides what i might feel is working and anything that seems like side effect i should say,Depression +39236,i really don t know how to put it into word but i ve been working on my anxiety for the past few year and over time my anxiety attack become le frequent but like today there are some day where my dream are filled with everything that give me anxiety work life issue etc then i wake up with chill having an anxiety attack i feel so strong for even working on my anxiety by myself in the first place but the time i have em dream i just want to give up and be shut out because of how much it throw my headspace off,Depression +39237,why do i get hot easily and my anxiety get really bad where i need to leave whether it s the gym or doing my nail i have no problem socializing but i fine myself needing to leave situation when i start feeling like this it s so consuming can someone help,Depression +39238,hey there made a throwaway because people know my normal account long story short i have this friend who used to be my closest friend we ve been like brother since we met in college a we got older we bickered a lot and had a major falling out about mo ago we made up and were kind of just friend that can be around eachother since we have mutual friend but not close anymore which is fine well we saw eachother for a trip with our group a few week back and we bickered on the trip a lot i know i m at fault for my side but he doesn t believe he doe anything wrong mainly we were bickering about politics which i swore to not speak with him because we disagree but there wa drinking and talking regardless after i attempted to apologize and be cool he instead of accepting or apologizing in return turned the conversation to my entire personality and basically dug hard into me a a person he made up shit about me that s not true a well it wa out of the blue and real hurtful but it is what it is i just kind of blew it off until i find out he s talking shit to my close friend in the city i live in now these friend are avoiding me not talking to me i have no idea what he said and how bad he made me look a an almost 0yo adult i don t want to deal with this but man this is really getting to me i m having anxiety about these other friend so bad,Depression +39239,im seriously so stuck i developed a horrible case of health anxiety and constantly think something is wrong with my brain or heart i ve been to the er twice now with everything coming back normal i feel bed ridden most day if im up and moving around for too long i feel extremely dizzy due to my tension headache i have high blood pressure and am on medication but i constantly think it s hurting my heart im only year old and i shouldn t be this concerned about my health i m so over feeling this way and every day get worse and worse i feel like i can t do anything but lay down i get sharp pain along my chest due to costochondritis and im always thinking it s the end my breathing is always fine and my heart never beat super rapidly so that make me feel better but the dizziness is unbearable i tried antidepressant and all they did wa make my anxiety worse and my heart beat abnormally fast anytime i stood up my doctor took me off of them and is more focused on my blood pressure im so scared of dying and i m so sick of feeling like this,Depression +39240,please help i don t wan na be schizophrenic or bipolar or anything that s my biggest fear and right now i couldn t sleep thinking maybe this could be it or psychosis i haven t been able to sleep the past day and maybe it s just my anxiety or not not so sure i just need advice i don t wan na go crazy that s my biggest fear a of now but i heard crazy people don t recognize they are going crazy,Depression +39241,i ve been getting a lot of internal tremor specifically during my attempt to sleep when i m fully relaxed and my mind is not anxious i start to feel the tremor come on especially in my head and in the back of my head it s almost a if my body doesn t want me to sleep context i developed a fear for sleeping in the dark they re like tiny spasm and they actually prevent me from sleeping and have caused me to be insomniac ha anyone experienced this before last night wa particularly challenging a i wa falling asleep i felt in my head a huge spasm like sensation accompanied with a loud sound my chest wa being sucked in i don t have the precise word to describe the experience but i felt fearful for my life and my health please let me know if these experience are familiar to you,Depression +39242,i wa married for year to a man with extreme anxiety he wa my first boyfriend and husband and i had been with him since i wa a teenager so i didn t know any different i m 0 now we divorced because of his many mental issue he wouldn t get help for his depression and anxiety wa contagious and killed our marriage his parent are also extremely anxious i had always been very anxious since we had been together and i just thought that s how i wa and i couldn t change it but since we ve been separated for a while now my anxiety ha stopped not completely but most of it is gone when you re with someone who you trust and love deeply and they make trivial thing into a huge deal it mess with your perception on how to feel and react unbeknownst to me i wa depending on him to determine how i should feel i know i shouldn t have but i did because i wa young and in love and didn t know any better now that i depend on myself since i have no other choice i ve acclimated very well to handling life and situation when we would do thing together or have an issue that needed to be fixed his anxiety would make thing seem ten time worse than what they really were it s not his fault i still love him unfortunately and i m not sure i ll ever get over him but we weren t good for each other in the long haul he s such a wonderful person aside from his mental issue the world is a lot more clear now i know how to determine what is a real problem and how to handle it without the elevated emotion that come with it,Depression +39243,i had to return a phone call from last week on an anxiety inducing topic i already have problem with talking on the phone i thought i d do it first thing in the morning and get on with my work but of course i had to leave voicemail and now i m waiting for the call back and i can t think about anything else i m going to take an ativan for the first time in about a month i m like a deer in the headlight at present,Depression +39244,since i wa little i have been raised to never respond when i think people are wrong or when they scold me so i learned to just keep it all since i moved alone to another city i have tried to express myself better without being aggressive but lately i have noticed that when i express my emotion or thought people get angry or upset with me so i have been thinking for some time that maybe everyone prefers my submissive version that doe not mention what i think to my most assertive self and that from my perspective it is my true self maybe my personality is wrong and i really should change it or maybe i just don t have the tact to give my opinion advice for any of those option would help me a lot thanks,Depression +39245,so hey there some might have read my update with my first make out with my boyfriend well ever since then i felt different i don t know if sexy is the right word or not but something make me feel bolder it came to a head on my date yesterday a part of me just wanted to make out again and i knew we couldn t do it at home cause my family were there so in the car before he s about to drive to head home i suddenly hug and kiss the same way a before the thing is i used to never be this bold i should be happy about this new side to build confidence but in the end i keep thinking what if it scare him off or i go to far so far he seems very happy with this so i guess i shouldn t worry but ha anyone else felt different around their significant other,Depression +39246,i have been struggling with anxiety and panic attack for most of my life but i finally seem to have gotten a handle on it for the time being i still have stress and anxiety from time to time but the panic attack are much le frequent i actually can t remember when i last had one and i used to have them a lot and when they do come i m better able to handle them so i ve been able to get out into the world a bit more now but there is one problem that is still lingering from when i wa more anxious i can t tell whether my desire to say no to certain thing is because i genuinely don t want to do it or because of anxiety although i wouldn t call myself agoraphobic anymore i still always have the automatic urge to say no to anything anyone asks me to do i understand that about myself and usually it s enough to give myself some time to think it over or not think about it at all and then i m able to decide that it is actually something i wanted to do i am just nervous but lately i ve been feeling this intense urge to avoid doing certain thing and i don t know if it s because my anxiety is creeping back in or because i just don t want to do them my mind tell me i just don t want to but a you all know our mind are not always the best reference for example i moved from the u to italy and i finally mustered up the courage to join a book club in my new town to try to make some friend here the other member are italian but we all discus the book in english which is awesome because i can speak more freely that way i wa really anxious the first time but it turned out to be great it wa really fun and i couldn t wait to go again until right before the next meeting when i got anxious again again it wa fine though and this happened three or four time but every time i wa actually at the book club i wasn t anxious the only problem wa the anticipation but after the first couple meeting the book club itself started to be le enjoyable aside from one or two other member no one is very nice or talkative and hardly anyone read the book and for the last few meeting we have only discussed depressing and completely unrelated to the book thing like war and death and covid all the thing i read and go to the book club to escape from for a while also my being american apparently make me like an ambassador and the leader of the group keep asking me for the american opinion on this or what this or that is like in america and i usually have to tell them about stuff that isn t great like health care police brutality issue etc it isn t fun anymore and there is also the added problem of the leader of the book club sending me message outside the group asking me to edit her assignment she ha to do for a magazine and while she s way over the top with her gratitude about it i feel like she is just using me which is making me not want to go even more so now every time there is a meeting coming up i again get that feeling like i don t want to go but now i m thinking i might just genuinely not want to go because it s not fun not just because of the anticipatory anxiety last time i actually skipped it but i felt the same kind of guilty feeling i feel when i skip something because i m anxious this week there s another meeting and again i just don t want to go even though i read the book but i don t know if i should push through it and see if it s a better meeting this time or just listen to my gut and skip it again and or quit the club i really wanted it to be good though because i love book and i wa hoping to make friend here doe anyone have any advice tl dr how do you tell the difference between not wanting to do something because of anxiety and just not wanting to do it when you can t trust your own gut to tell you,Depression +39247,my anxiety make it almost impossible for me to talk on the phone even people i m not anxious around irl i get panicked with on a phone call so 99 of the time i don t answer call and definetly don t call people well now i had to answer a is wa a pretty important call and i m pretty calm after it like usually my heart beating like crazy i m sweating and my voice break during and after but now i m pretty i just feel short of breath and am a little shaky but i think it went pretty well my voice still broke during the call but not a badly a most time,Depression +39248,i have a small business we got a meeting with our biggest client ever and i called them by their competitor name i m so scared i cost u the deal,Depression +39249,hi i never went to counselor or therapist i don t know how to find decent counselor and what would be the cost hr cost what ever per session cost i stay in u colorado centennial this is for anxiety issue i know i can google and find but a i don t have any experience i am unable to judge the price etc i am looking for low price and good counselor thanks,Depression +39250,i would like to disconnect myself from this world shit because it cause me even to not sleep some day i managed to do some thing because i m a moderate intense social medium user the easiest solution would be just stop using social medium and i would like so but i have adhd and i can t just stop using it i dont find other way to entertain me i m gamer and i would like to enjoy mobile game but it feel super inconvenient playing on a touch screen also some of them drain battery so quickly and i get bored so quick of them these are some thing i already managed to do i m currently using sync for reddit so i can mute word about w r related this wa my major concern also on pc i m using re so i could do the same on pc i have an extension called simple twitter which allows me to remove trendings and having more like an ipad twitter experience luckily tiktok and youtube algorithm doesnt show me content i don t like to see everything is funny or accurate about what i like my major concern are mobile twitter even i have muted word it show me news i dont want to see my tl is fine but it going to search and i see those clickbaity trend which most of time i enjoy but always ha rvssia ukra ne shit i dont want to see my family always put news on tv even i always say i dont lile to see them even i always suggest to turn off the tv or simply switch channel the simpson it s always at lunch time for example the situation wa the same even on early covid season in 0 0 when nobody knew anything always the news were covid de th increase to x president declares lockdown shut down some comerces etc etc everywere i like to see ha somewhere support for ukr ine which dont misunderstand me i support and donated for the cause and i wish the best for them but it still reminds me about the problem which i dont like to see this is the minor concern but it doesnt help me to be calm i would appreciate other way i can entertain me when i m exempt from responsibility thank you in advance,Depression +39251,i m so anxious about going to the therapist today i just dont feel comfortable for some reason idk im just losing my mind over this,Depression +39252,i get really bad anxiety when i cant my breathing i feel like my breathing will sound eratic and too loud people around me have to have to have one headphone to the side so i hear it or i get severe anxiety i also feel this way when i write or type a even though i can hear myself im not focusing on it and it think oh no i sounded weird didnt i in regard to my breathing i feel like im making people scared of me with how scary i probablly am acting from their pov i want to stop this a it give me severe anxiety around people,Depression +39253,doe anyone here have anxiety about their status at their job it make me feel bad that i may possibly always be at the bottom of my company and won t ever be promoted to a more senior position i feel like i ve given up on myself in a way i actually gave up on myself a long time ago why do i feel like past failure mean i can t improve myself now,Depression +39254,hi anyone get prescribed metroprolol my heart always feeling like it is racing i m terrified to take it,Depression +39255,m i apologise greatly if this offends anyone i can t help but think the worst back in 0 0 i had a noticeable change in my bowel habit and google dent me into a total spin i had a fit test in june 0 0 which came back negative i had a ct scan of my abdomen and pelvis with contrast in june 0 0 which came back clear i had a colonoscopy in august 0 0 nothing wa found i had an mrcp in january 0 all clear now march 0 my symptom have not eased and gotten worse i have loose stool all of the time if they are solid they are flat ribbon weight loss and persistant nausea i don t have pain so i don t meet the ibs criterion my consultant now want to carry out a ct colonography and a chest ct i am worried that something ha been missed from 0 0 and it ha sat on the back burner for nearly year,Depression +39256,hello everyone i m a year old male with extreme anxiety i grew up in poverty amp wa very aware of that at a young age i started smoking weed around every weekend turned into everyday when i wa around i got introduced to xanax at which didn t last long due to me coming home blacked out amp realizing the pain amp disappointment i caused to my mother at i wa introduced to acid that turned into every weekend for about month in this same year my dad passed from a long time h use the beginning to my mental destruction we couldn t afford to bury my father one of the roughest time of my life i started selling drug which i got very money hungry amp would do anything if it made me a few dollar started out robbing kid at my school which turned into robbing older guy started partying amp got introduced to cocaine that didn t last long after my girlfriend told my mom because she knew that wa the only way i would stop around month later me amp my girlfriend got into a accident due to a lady not paying attention my girlfriend had a broken femur i had a broken ankle amp a tbi traumatic brian injury during are time of recovery i wa taking a shower while someone broke into my house amp stole my safe roughly k cash at this point i m amp mentally lost not going to school with no future in sight due to the broken ankle a well a the tbi i didn t get out much my best of friend not checking up on me wa rough at this point i realized i improved so much i stopped selling robbing using all at the cost of not leaving my house that lasted roughly year around this time covid hit my older brother became a extreme alcoholic a well a my mother i allowed everything around me to fully consume me reality hit one morning after daily regret amp suicidal thought everyday i came to the conclusion my only way out is to force myself me amp my girlfriend ended up moving a town over my first time on my own with extreme anxiety amp depression i started a landscaping company going door to door finding work something i could have never imagined i avoided human contact for year that lasted all summer one of the happiest time of my life i still have extreme anxiety my hand shake uncontrollably with a shakey voice amp due to my anxiety amp past i avoided going to the doctor for medicine a well a the dentist amp check ups i finally no longer let it control me or what i do all the dark day amp endless thought seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is unimaginable but i damn sure see it god is good time heals everything someone always ha it 0 time worse embrace the rainy day they won t last forever if you stick around kinda just rambling but i m sure this can help someone,Depression +39257,i m 0f and i ll start this by saying that my diagnosis is mostly a doctor telling once that i might have gad but i haven t had further test done yet not that i need them because the symptom are all there and it s pretty obvious to me amp nbsp i stress a lot about most thing future plan work health etc being on the phone is something that give me extreme anxiety a well and this is impacting my work i m lucky enough to be able to work from home which is great because i don t have to put on the happy sociable face all day long but there s still plenty of call meeting happening over team and those still give me a lot of anxiety to the point that even a minute talk with someone will leave me sweaty i m able to sound friendly and sociable on the call but a soon a it s over that s all gone and i ll just feel like crap i m not 0 and some day i honestly do not know how i am supposed to endure this for another 0 year the job i had previous to this one wa in customer support inbound call people told me that exposure to it would help me but honestly i hated every second of it and i feel it s only gotten worse since then amp nbsp right now i m at a loss and starting to consider quitting my job over this but i also don t know of many job that allow me to wfh while keeping meeting and call to a minimum if everything wa done via chat email i d honestly feel great about that but it feel like this society wa built by and for extrovert and i m just an outlier that doesn t fit anywhere,Depression +39258,i m a year old guy and i ve been struggling with this problem for quite some time year every time my girlfriend who i trust more than anyone in this world go to a party without me and she get high or drunk i have strong anxiety attack just thinking about it is making me shaking in fear and i can t understand why i like to get drunk and high too i find it funny to spend a night messing around i don t think it s that bad or that make you a bad person but when my emotion my inner fear kick in i completely lose my mind and i start to think that i don t want a partner that indulge in those kind of behavior a if i had this image of purity of her that get broken by the thought of her enjoying a joint something bad people do i don t understand it s like some cognitive dissonance for some background i used to be quite bullied back in high school by those who went out the night to get drunk or that smoke weed maybe that could have led me to associate those behavior that have nothing to do with the moral integrity of a person with a certain type of people could it be please let me know what you think and if you have similar experience i ll gladly read all your suggestion and comment thank you,Depression +39259,hi i just wanted to ask if any of you feel like anxiety is a major reason why you procrastinate which completely affect the way you spend your time your sleep your state of mind and then your grade or if you know the difference between normal procrastination and one driven by anxiety or is anxiety procrastination completely separated and unrelated to anxiety a in people who don t deal with symptom of anxiety can also be said to have anxiety procrastination oh yea i also get super anxious when i think about how my teacher would view my progress grade how i act in class like i m actually v scared of this idk if this is normal tho hopefully i make sense thank you and have a great rest of the day lt,Depression +39260,life s rushing towards me at 0km h and instead of going forward i just stand there scared shitless and watch the headlight getting closer,Depression +39261,i hate it i barely sleep on my weekend off day have to wake up early for work and i still feel tired usually everyday when i wake up for work i automatically have to go to the bathroom must be my anxiety because my off day i don t my work is great and i work by myself and see basically no one all 0 hour but still i won t be at home lol,Depression +39262,the world ha been nothing short of a flaming corpse trash fire in these past few week there s no doubt about that but recently i can feel it around others when i m out in public no i don t have superpower lol i m just saying that i ve been getting this kind of collective i m so done with this shit vibe when i m out in public i don t know how else to explain it but everyone seems so exhausted and fed up it s like a butterfly effect since a lot of people have the same vibe right now i guess despite a lot of u being on the other side of the world it s certainly hard not to feel just how crazy these past few week have been it s like the pandemic already fucked people up for two year but now 0 just want to kick u while we re down with the current war it s neverending it s been hard for me a well i ve kind of been burying my head in the sand and focusing heavily on work and video game because holy shit is this world completely fucked up not to mention there s nothing i can really do about the situation and dwelling on it and obsessing over it isn t going to change the outcome even my friend on social medium have been talking a lot about how they ve been strangely depressed lately this situation is affecting everyone but with that said i really hope everyone pull through the rest of this month i m no military specialist so i m not even going to try and act like i know when all this will end but i hope the worst is over and that the war end soon there s a common saying thing will get worse before they get better i really hope that doesn t apply to the current situation the world need a break wishing everyone the best this week and stay encouraged,Depression +39263,two day ago i made a comment to my sil i had forgotten some thing that had happened that week and what i said came across a completely insensitive and thoughtless i have since apologised and they have accepted my apology but there hasn t been minute in the following day where i haven t thought about what i said and what a mistake it wa i feel sick i can barely sleep and the panic attack are every min where i can t breathe and just feel like i m drowning i have doubled my dose of sertraline because i simply can not let go of what i ve said this in turn ha increased the side effect of the sertraline anxiety suck i just want to turn my brain off,Depression +39264,i ll go first i got rejected recently it happens a lot to me it s my th time now i can t stop being anxious abt it it sickens me thinking abt it and idek why i m still anxious abt it i also have bipolar disorder so that make thing even better,Depression +39265,i have irrational fear of a home invasion being attacked by a stranger for context even thing like elderly woman with cane walking behind me sends me into panic mode me and my fianc just bought our first home together after renting for year instead of me being able to rest after a long day of moving i am instead laying awake because the house is settling every 0 second and i keep thinking it s an intruder coming to kill me this ha been going on for two hour my heart keep pounding out of my chest randomly and i keep getting so frozen with fear that i hold my breath my mind is working overtime playing escape plan confrontation scenario on repeat so i can t relax this is so fucking irrational i hate it i ve been this way a long a i can remember but ugh i know why house creek i also know this home is older which is something i love about it during the day but i can not seem to think logically about this every pop creek and bang is sending me into panic mode and i don t have any remedy i m sick of being constantly on alert for no reason this is an extremely safe neighborhood and i should not need to be this worried over nothing some night are better than others but why do i even have to go through this at all i apologize for the rant but i am so exhausted and i just want to sleep but i keep getting snapped awake,Depression +39266,hello this is my first time posting to reddit i am having difficulty choosing between two job opportunity the first is a one hour commute one way and is on site the job come with pension and benefit a well a potential for career growth the second is 00 remote with limited potential for career growth the hour are flexible and i would not have to go into the office the downside is that the job appears to be boring and it will be difficult to get to know my coworkers the downside of the first job is that it could turn out to be a more stressful but maybe more stimulating job i have been so anxious about the decision that i have been cycling through choosing one or the other job over a period of several day i have been having stress headache and trying to solve the problem internally but with little resolution what is your opinion on wfh versus on site what is your opinion of taking a job you know to be boring for people with anxiety how doe wfh work for you doe it increase your worry or doe it help you manage how do you make a decision when either option doe not seem to be a clear winner many thanks,Depression +39267,i wonder if someone else feel the same and maybe someone here ha already found way to overcome it i live in small town now but in the past i lived in the big city and had no problem with height it just started several year ago i am afraid of entering building which is very tall i can t go beyond th floor without strong anxiety even going to the city and looking at all super high building make me quite anxious so far my anxiety is somehow manageable but i am afraid it may get worse in future since i avoid going to the city a much a possible i do not live in the city so sadly i can t practice and be exposed to my fear will i feel any relief after guided visualization any advises,Depression +39268,so i m a pretty shut in introverted person he they and moved to a new place just before the pandemic so a a result have no local irl friend so mid pandemic i got on twitter and met load of people who came and went however i met people she her x and she they who i truly love hanging out with but here s the hard part for pretty much the entirety of last year we hung out maybe or time a week watching movie on discord or playing game always talking and indirecting each other interacting constantly cheesy ily ily more message all that sort of thing then just after christmas it all just kinda stopped but only for me i found out the of them made a new gc without me they talk about each other on the tl constantly but never mention me and we haven t hung out in over a month i ve messaged them a couple of time about this and had it explained that they still like me and still want to hang out but they re just busy but my brain is reading into everything so hard they re still constantly interacting with each other and i never get any response i can t stop thinking about every little thing one time one wanted to play game in bed by herself and then 0 minute later i saw them all playing on discord without me assuming i d gone to bed i just don t know whether i m reading too hard into this or if i genuinely need to say something every time i see so much a a comment or message somewhere else my head get so loud and i just feel like cry constantly i ve never really been able to keep friend for more than a couple of year and the only one i trusted enough to talk to about stuff are the i m not sure i can talk to any more so a a result here i am reddit what can i do,Depression +39269,im getting diagnosed with pure ocd and my doctor told me i most likely have an anxiety disorder a well i never put myself in stressful situation so i dident really think about it i dropped out of school,Depression +39270,i have somatization disorder which essentially is whenever i try to do something that may cause me anxiety i end up making myself physically ill i cause myself physical symptom unconsciously doe anyone else deal with this i am not able to leave my house most of the time which ha caused a strain on friendship and school,Depression +39271,after over year of dealing with daily anxiety i feel like i need to heed my doc advice and get on medication i know a lot of people will say that it s not but i feel like a loser and a weak person for not having enough strength to overcome my anxiety alone i look in the mirror every day and hate myself for not being able to get past this for sickening year i ve been trying to deal with this on my own every night i go to sleep exhausted saying the next day will be different sometimes i have better day most day are just a grind to pull myself out of the anxiety i don t mind working hard but i spend hour upon hour obsessing about my health any little ache pain bump or bruise sends me into a panic i have heart palpitation on the regular i can t sleep at night i ve tried working out lost lb walk for hour on end listen to positive message stopped drinking and yet the anxiety won t let go of me i pray to god to help me to give me an answer on whether or not i should get on medication i think god might be telling me it s time instead of enjoying the movement with my family i m checking my pulse worrying about cancer is that palpitation a heart attack wa the doctor wrong when he said i m healthy it follows me every where it s become my closest evil little friend and yet i hate myself for not being able to kick it why am i so weak why can t i tell it to fuck off and never come back why if it s my own brain can i not control it i feel like if i just keep pushing i can defeat it without med but it s been year and i don t want another to go by living like a tortured animal just waiting for it to all end maybe i m just scared to go on med i don t know if anyone can see themselves in what i m saying can you please let me know what if any med have helped you i m not looking for medical advice but when i talk to my doc i d like to have some idea of what he might be recommending anyways long post thanks for listening,Depression +39272,ativan is the only one that work for me and shuts my anxiety up but lately i have been depending on it way too much i have been taking up to mg of ativan everyday for the last few week because of a lot of stress in my life and it is the only thing that help with my ocd and intense panic attack im worry to death about developing some sort of dependency but idk what else to go to lexapro help but not a well i have been thinking about maybe taking lyrica instead since it help with anxiety epilepsy and seems fairly similar to ativan and adding in clonidine for my physical anxiety doe anyone have any experience or recommendation i have been limiting myself to only mg and not going any higher but i am basically house bound with panic if i dont take it so not taking something similar is not an option,Depression +39273,it could be something you saw you heard you did anything go it may not be good enough for you but i still wan na hear it so please please share,Depression +39274,yup i need to start being more independent since im getting my first job and my license all before june this year so doing these small thing will only help me,Depression +39275,i ve been dealing with some really weird painful burning throughout my abdomen and my entire middle the last few week i don t know if anxiety is the culprit but it definitely make it ten time worse doe anyone have way to reduce the effect of psychosomatic symptom,Depression +39276,i have severe anxiety and ocd and i avoided the dating scene until year ago because i honestly wanted to get over my fear and find someone i wa lucky to find a great partner and have been in a good solid relationship for six month yet somehow throughout this whole thing i ve secretly become an absolute wreck i m constantly worrying if this is the right relationship preoccupied with analyzing everything trapped in my thought and making myself utterly miserable ha anyone else experienced this like is this standard for u anxious folk or is this actually a huge red flag that dating or even this person just isn t for me thank you kindly for any advice,Depression +39277,i m having a really hard time with my long distance bf right now he s going through a super low phase with his anxiety and every time we talk about anything emotional he shuts down he say talking about the emotion stress him out and any time i ask him how he s doing he responds with thing like i m okay i try to ask more question but he s just not giving me much we used to be super affectionate and connected but now i feel like we barely are sometimes i feel so far away from him physically obviously but mentally and emotionally i care a lot about emotional connection and i just really don t know what to do i ve read book listened to podcasts have my own therapist but i still can t help but feel super sad about it doe anyone have any advice,Depression +39278,yeah i know it s pretty weird but i ve been experiencing this one since last night i had trouble breathing but the right side seems fine felt like the left side wa the culprit had a tough time drifting to sleep,Depression +39279,pls guy answer what u feel,Depression +39280,hey reddit family ive had seperate case of severe panic disorder for about year on and off i used to take lexapro on the smallest dose mg and then mg and it really helped me overcome my disorder completely the first time end of 0 9 into 0 0 but when i got panic disorder a second time end of 0 0 from smoking weed how i got panic first time i noticed not much of an impact on the same dose mg but i wa told multiple time to up my dose for it and i wa too scared to so i quit the medication cold turkey and got insane migraine headache thinking someting in my head wa gon na pop it wa so bad a a withdrawal i think and for the past year i ve been medicine free but i still get panic attack everyday heart race everyday nonstop evil bad thought and i m ready to get back on something my doc prescribed me celexa but i m very unsure about trying it bc i ve been so used to take lexapro and i ve been reading watching other ppl s experience on celexa and the side effect and they seem a little more extreme but i m just wondering what ur opinion would be thank u so much for the help god bless,Depression +39281,my anxiety is so bad right now i have been vomiting and have bad pain in my stomach and abdomen lot of sweating and extreme issue sleeping last night i didn t fall asleep until am and woke up at am in a complete panic eating is very difficult for me right now and i have a sense of impending doom constantly is there anything any of you do that help with this how can i bring this up with my doctor without being committed or something should i get a short supply of benzos to get through this time i just need some advice thank you,Depression +39282,i want to know how to stop anxiety while waiting whenever i have a guest coming over wether it be a friend or family or someone im interested in i get severe anxiety from the moment they say on my way to the moment they arrive i feel hot all over i want to throw up and cry and use the bathroom and then a soon a they arrive and i see them im fine for example i called the man im interested in over for a booty call he life an hour away so at 0 0 he texted me he wa coming for an hour i wa asking my sister should i cancel i want to see him but i m anxious and for that entire hour i wa freaking out the only thing that helped wa sitting in the cold drive way and breathing in the night air and then a soon a he arrived i wa fine absolutely perfect similar happened while i waited for guest to arrive to a house party i wa throwing i need help i am on med and in therapy anything help,Depression +39283,she will stay with u for a year i m introverted and anxious so i don t want anyone in my space please give me some coping idea,Depression +39284,i just need to vent a little i think it s upsetting to be a student who know the answer to your professor s question a student who want to engage in discussion but also a student unable to do so because of this silly little thing called anxiety cowardice even a i ve been told it s been an uphill battle ever since i started highschool my grade have always been decent but they re never a good a they can get because i can t speak up in class i know the answer and when i don t i can make intellectual guess not that i m boasting but it s something that i know would be well within my capability if i weren t so scared all the time whenever i m called on to recite it take everything in me to keep the shakiness out of my voice in the online set up even if the question being asked is a simple how wa your weekend i stutter and shake and sweat a if my life is on the line during face to face class i would visibly shake in front of the class and i ve lost so many point time and time again because of that the embarrassment and humiliation even if no one laugh or pick fun at me outwardly burn so badly i guess it s doubly upsetting because i ve been told that i just have no goal in life and because of that i can t bring myself to prepare for anything then proceed to cry and complain about it when i m unable to answer a question or perform well you deserve it if you re not going to do anything about it is it my fault wa being so anxious that my mind would go blank at every question a choice i do try i don t back out when i have to speak in front of the class i try my best to pretend that i m not terrified out of my wit i ve joined a quiz bee or two even if i could never bring myself to compete further than that and i want to do more i don t want the people who say i m wasting opportunity wasting my life to be right in the end maybe it s hard to believe but it s just so tiring when you see everyone around you breeze by an obstacle that you need to spend hour and day on just to overcome imagine that hyping yourself up to do a thing accomplishing it telling someone about it casually only for them to throw it back in your face because you couldn t do better than that ah what a mess,Depression +39285,so i m just going to get this off my chest i m and in one evening in the beginning of november i went to go to sleep and felt like i couldn t breath i got up and wa sweating super fucking restless so it wa like a mini panic attack this panic attack ha marked the most torturous month of my life i wake up in the morning and the first feeling i have is a racing heart that anxious feeling in my chest shortness of breath and it last constantly until i have to take sleep aid to calm me down enough to sleep at night i don t understand why me i eat healthy i exercise and there is no family history of anxiety it suck because i m not anxious about anything in particular it s the feeling so i ve been sort of surviving on benzos not everyday probs a few time a week since then with lapse of about a week or so when i can t get any i just have been taking them to prevent the fucking anxiety starting i did have little time at the end of dec and around january feb for a week or two where i feel like it did go away but that might have been because i had benzos in my system and that s why i felt ok i ve been purposely cutting down my benzo use so last week i used on monday and didn t use until friday i felt severe anxiety all of those day but didn t crave the drug or have any withdrawal i only took them on friday because i just wanted a fucking rest it s so stressful to feel like this all the time i get so scared it s never going to go away i want to start an ssri but they take like week to work i can t wait that long sorry for the rant,Depression +39286,i m going to the eye doctor to get an eye exam today and my anxiety is so bad because i m so scared i have a serious eye disease or something doe anyone else have anxiety about getting their eye checked i can t breathe and i feel like throwing up,Depression +39287,i don t know if it s just me or if this is even a real thing whenever i m like very anxious or overthinking too much like going to some new place for writing an exam attending a wedding of close relative it feel too overwhelming i can not remember anything i studied or sometimes it s like i know the answer to a question but i m just unable to write or express it out even when greeting people during a wedding or some interaction i feel soo panicked idk why not just these situation many more like if i m given a responsibility and i literally can not sleep or stay calm for a second until i m done with it my mind tends to imagine more like play numerous visuals that can go wrong with it it s really very difficult and painful,Depression +39288,i ve been bullied for year at school because of my appearance my nose and it always made me sad and insecure when it started i wa since then i take picture of my face at least 0 pic everyday now i m graduating from college and i still feel the same way a i did year ago whenever i am with friend and colleague i keep thinking that in the inside all of them are laughing or thinking how ridiculous i am when i take a selfie i find my nose to be normal but when someone take a picture and i m in it i find it so weird also i ve always been very shy but lately it got difficult cause everytime i m on a conversation with someone i can t help wondering how they re seeing me i think it gon na get worse now that i need to get a job and talk to people that i don t know well i just needed to say this,Depression +39289,so i wa formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder roughy month ago i wasn t all that surprised honestly recently i had felt like i wa making some improvement and starting to feel better but today ha been horrible i ve been stressed out over a certain situation and i have no idea how to alleviate my fear i just feel like i am always going to feel this way and that any moment of happiness or peace that i feel will always be momentary,Depression +39290,i ve just walked half an hour to my therapy appointment and i m not even sure if my appointment is today or not they didn t send a reminder this is my second appointment with them it should be today and i think she said next monday but i feel like i m going to embarrass myself by showing up and it s the wrong day not only that but i had another appointment today that i had to reschedule because i thought i wouldn t be able to make it but then i realised i read the time wrong and i would ve made it i m just an idiot i hate being me edit it all worked out i panicked over nothing like the idiot i am d,Depression +39291,first off ive dealt with it my entire life since i wa ab 9 yr old im very familiar with the feeling of anxiety and i ve experienced it in alot of form i wa in a relationship for year where i experienced the absolute worst of it but i am not in that relationship anymore i am a full time student again and im living life on my own accord now with my whole life ahead of me and i can do anything i want now im so glad to be where im at and i cant wait for what the future hold i have no worry in the world anymore anyways here i am watching better call saul relaxing in my bed super comfortable in my mushroom blanket that i love so much and i just gradually out of nowhere start to feel my chest get tight tight to the point where i want to poke a hole in my chest just to relieve the pressure obviously im not gon na do that but you get the idea im not panicking about anything while this is happening i mean when i feel my chest tighten then im like okay wtf is going on but before that nothing im a relaxed a can be ready to go to sleep to wake up to next day ahead of me and so i do some breathing exercise to try to relieve this chest tightness and i do feel really relaxed from doing them but that chest tightness is still there and again im not panicking of anything like i would from my traditional anxiety attack is this a new form of anxiety where my body is just like you know what youre trying to go to sleep so im gon na make it hard to breathe for no reason bc you are finally happy in life with no worry so ill give you something to worry ab i read ab people having panic attack out of nowhere and sometimes fainting even but that ha never happened to me my anxiety attack always stemmed from something regardless of how silly or insignificant it wa the anxiety would always come from something like it wouldn t just spontaneously erupt into an attack so is this just a new form of anxiety im dealing with right now is there anything i can do breathing and relaxing exercise only make me calm mentally and really relax me but the uncomfortableness of my chest just being tight is preventing me from going to sleep so i dont really know what to do if this is in fact just anxiety what do you all think is this just an anxiety attack or are there other issue i should get checked out any response is appreciated tl dr random chest tightness wont go away even with a calm and relaxed state of mind wondering if this is anxiety just attacking my body,Depression +39292,i just wanted to share something that help me with anxiety attack in case it help someone else there is this show called one day at a time the 0 reboot that deal with many social issue and one of them is anxiety and there is this one episode in season called anxiety that just help me calm down so much for some reason it s almost better than med or plant it deal with how to deal with anxiety attack and is truly amazing you can find the show on netflix in most country and on the internet too,Depression +39293,i am prone to sinus infection and my nose is clogged and i had a slight earache a few day ago and chalked it up to a sinus infection i went to my cousin baby reveal and then i thought after the party what if i gave her covid she is a nurse and is around people with covid but wear ppe she also ha three booster shot and had covid before i can not get the thought of maybe infecting her and it will harm her pregnancy i am cry so hard because she tried so hard to have a baby and i m worried me disregarding my sinus infection a an allergy might of done something i can not sleep and i am going to throw up from the anxiety,Depression +39294,i am currently prescribed propranolol to help with situational anxiety i m sure many people know that before an anxiety inducing event your stomach can be slightly funny i wondered if anyone knew if propranolol directly help to reduce this,Depression +39295,can anxiety and panic attack cause pain in the back of the thigh,Depression +39296,i have been having anxiety chest pain for over year i have seen a doctor but the solution wasn t a good i take deep breath and sometimes i use st john s wort and camomile to calm i got better for a while but now whenever i think of something a in a college related report studying commitment promising to do something and thinking about it all day my chest hurt from these condition and i have breathing difficulty what do you do to help when you get these symptom,Depression +39297,also i can t even look nobody in the eye because of it wtf do i do it s ruining the relationship i have with my family and parent it s just pissing me tf off i went to get a haircut today but walked tf out because i wa too anxious and my anxiety wa high so when i walked in i sat all the way in the back so my barber and other people wouldn t see me because of my dumbass anxiety but how else wa i gon na get a cut if he couldn t see me right so like i said i just walked tf out with my head down n cried when i got home,Depression +39298,yesterday evening i had the worst panic attack of my entire life this ended up making me feel drained defeated and like i wa an absolute freak for the rest of the day i ended up venting on a subreddit about how i felt and a lot of the comment actually helped me a lot and one reminded me of a couple of old trick that a therapist taught me awhile ago that i wished i would ve remembered yesterday when your brain is feeling really overloaded and so busy that you almost seem manic and don t even know where to begin to start the best thing you can do is force yourself to sit down and allow your body to sink into the chair while you close your eye and just sit there in silence for a moment this allows you to relax your body long enough to feel the emotion that is bothering you the most however if you find more than one specific emotion coming to mind you are still too overwhelmed and need to sit for awhile longer once i can identify what i am feeling the most i just say one word out loud sad scared tired angry etc and reflect why i might be feeling that way and what i am able to do on that very moment to make myself feel better taking a shower napping asking someone for a hug etc it s important to focus on the thing that you feel like you can start to work on in that moment because if you allow your brain to slip back to thing out of your control you will end back up at square one he also reminded me that these are all normal emotion and that i am not weird or crazy for feeling the way that i am and that it is ok to ask for help or set up boundary for myself i used to use this one more during busy quarter in college but can still be really helpful for trying to squish anxiety down before having to do something you can t get out of which could be taking a test going for an interview or even making a phone call i like to picture all of my anxiety and worry a little people boarding a boat on a river and just like to imagine them floating away and out of my view even if it is just for the time needed to complete that one task that i have to do i really hope these help someone because these trick used to help me a ton when i wa going through some rough patch in life and i think i m going to start using them again,Depression +39299,i have been away from home for week and yesterday i wa scheduled to return my friend had offered to pick me up from the airport for context i don t live in the safest city for woman after i land my friend text me saying they can t pick me up from the airport and i should book a cab and come home i wa at the airport from pm to am because there were no cab available creepy men started following me stating oh no one s here to pick you up i had to go to the police because the men didn t stop following me i had a breakdown in public and i couldn t breathe i finally called a friend who life near by who came to pick me up at around 0 am by then i wa completely wrecked yesterday wa a complete mess and im still feeling anxious and triggered,Depression +39300,i am a waitress in a busy restaurant and while usually i put my mask on and try to not seem so anxious for some reason lately my anxiety is getting to the point where i can t even look at people in the face and then my anxiety just get worse thinking about how much of a bitch or weirdo i seem for not looking at them i also struggle with eye contact which make it even harder i honestly just want to ease my mind and be able to talk to people like the rest of my co worker i m contemplating medication but wanted to know if anybody noticed a difference while on medication,Depression +39301,a you can tell from the title this is something i have known about since i have been a kid i used to get infatuated way too fast and get anxiety when a girl wouldn t be going a fast a me since growing up though i have been able to slow down however when it doe happen i don t know why my anxiety just start coming out again starting back in october of 0 0 i wa talking too this girl for about month and nothing really ever came of that besides texting due to her being manipulative and gaslighting me however i wa head over heel for her it wa one of the worst month of my life and after that happened i made alot of life change and all of 0 wa pretty much the happiest year of my life now in 0 i recently moved to a new city and met this one girl we have been talking for about week almost every day and she ha texted me almost every evening asking how my day wa and is actually interested in getting to know me since i learned not to get to into her yet i usually just responded to her whenever and went about my day usually we would have around hour between each of our text to each other sexual content warning fast forward to last night i took her on a really nice dinner date and we talked alot afterwards i walked her home and she asked if i wanted to come inside we talked more and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex however part way through she started bleeding and the condom came off in her she wa incredibly embarrassed and almost started cry i just kept hugging her telling her not to worry about that i still had a great time and stayed with her for about over an hour i eventually had to leave to go home but afterwards on my drive home i really started falling for her she texted me a bit when i got home saying she wa happy i made it home safe today though all the anxiety i used to feel when i wa younger falling for girl who might not like me back started flooding into my head again i couldn t sleep well because i wasn t sure if i did anything wrong and i just wanted to be with her we texted a little in the morning but the text that the past few week that normally took hour to get a response from each other feel like a millenia now my anxiety really is coming out in those long wait because i really just wan na talk with her and i m afraid she s gon na ghost me like a bunch of other people have done to me in the past i know there is nothing i should worry about but i thought i had my anxiety under control finally only for today to suck again doe anyone have any advice on how i should control it best,Depression +39302,i feel anxiety over race i know this sound bad but hear my out please i have been doing anti racism work daily and i ve been trying to challenge my own bias but it s been triggering my mental health my anxiety ha taken over and now i can t make decision in my life without fear i ve practically stopped all my hobby cause i m worried i m appropriating in some way and hurting a community i know that none of this is what the anti racism work is about but it s what my mind ha been running with lately it s been i don t matter no one else seems to be having this issue and i don t know who to turn to this is not a reflection on the conversation around blm it s my own issue i just don t know how to get out of this way of thinking,Depression +39303,i feel like i m comfortable with death more because i m comfortable with the uncertainty that come with it do any of you ever experience death anxiety how do you think it impact you also lowkey in need of any advice to deal with this better,Depression +39304,so i ve been dealing with anxiety since 0 i m diagnosed anxiety panic disorder and can t take med tried once and yeesh never ever again by doctor direction my own discretion noticed ever since getting off zoloft mg i only took it for day but it hit me like a bus and i had to immediately stop due to medical reason i dissociate all the time now and i hate it i lose track of time what i wa doing prior sometimes where i m sitting what s going on around me any tip would be helpful note yes i ve tried mindfulness exercise yoga meditation the whole list,Depression +39305,hi first post here so sorry if i m doing anything wrong recently i ve been suffering from very intense anxiety and panic attack nearly every night they re usually triggered around midnight and last through to around 9am normally preventing me from getting any sleep at all during the night my bedroom also seems to be one major trigger a i m able to calm myself down sometimes but a soon a i re enter my bedroom the panic flare up all over again and it s like i m in full fight or flight mode during the daytime the panic is almost nonexistent i think the most difficult part is that it generally happens during hour when nobody is around to give me comfort so strong feeling of isolation and hopelessness often accompany that brings me to my question for anyone who ha experienced nightly anxiety what ha brought you comfort during a time when you re unable to reach out to others i would love to hear about your experience and the thing that have helped bring you comfort in a time of isolation thanks,Depression +39306,i have a tendency to ob over some thing that have occurred and replay the scenario over and over in my head i m not even trying to focus on it but the thought still come into my head and then i find myself focusing on them and it serf me no purpose how do i stop doing this i know the scenario are over so i don t know why i am still thinking about them so much,Depression +39307,strange unusual sensation in the back of the head – occipital region it started a dizziness vertigo pressure in the head a feeling of movement in the head wave etc the problem gradually worsened and changed from occuring a few time a week to an every day all day duration that s the way it is right now i struggle with the feeling of pressure in the head between the brain and the skull the feeling of an empty head feeling of vacuum or air in the head feeling of fluid in the skull a if the brain is floating and rocking or swimming in fluid on most day i also get really bad burning pain all over my head the pain is located inside of the head it feel like someone is pouring acid or hot lava down my brain facial sinus and on the face there is often a feeling of movement in the head present and i sometimes have blurred vision lot of day i also experience a feeling of poor balance a feeling a if i m going to lose consciousness black spot and floater in the field of vision another really bothering thing is a feeling of electricity in the brain or a feeling similar to static on tv i also feel like i have my brain wrapped in some kind of a biofilm made from air cotton glass wool plus flu like symptom head neck muscle and bone pain feverish like feeling at least 0 day a month way worse before period tia,Depression +39308,0 wa a rough year for me even on new year s eve i woke up headbutting a brickwall in bed a lot of thing happen to me and around me in a short amount of time that i developed chronic anxiety i study mechanical engineering for a math project among other projecta i had to make a youtube channel i wa sick for week with bronchitis and i had to skip class for my health i had a severe spasm on my back and the morning am before my final exam i wa woken up to be informed that my older sibling wa in icu due to gangster attacking him on thing i forgot to mention is that the engineering course that i m doing wa fazing out so if i fail too many time i have to start everythin all over again on the new curriculum after my exam i wa burned out and my body couldn t relax and i went to a massage parlour to treat the spasm it wa a painful experience and with a woman first time touching me like that week later my body wa just slowly going into shock that i would be paralysed and my sibling had to carry me when i wa at home i probably had a panic attack a well anyway i wa 0 when that happened i m cm and weigh kg my psychiatrist prescribed me 0mg of clobazam in total for morning afternoon and evening and i realised my sex drive wa diminished i wasn t to happy about that so a long time probably month after i started i tried to taper my dose but i did it too quickly got withdrawal symptom and wa put on indoblok for the withdrawal the nightmare wa a blast after a while week i think i could stop on the indoblok and just run on the mg of clobazam and my libido returned a bit but not a before also a a side note a struggle to gain weight so i went to get help with that but i stopped doing that a it got expensive heaviest i ve been on the diet plan wa kg by eating diet alone anyway i started seeing a psychologist that my psychiatrist recommended to me to help figure out how mild my higher functioning autism is but he mainly helped me with my anxiety and ocd we mainly talk now and i did speak with them with topic that made me blush and embarrassed then 0 0 happened i got sick in 0 badly luckily not icu badly on a side note prior the massive shock i went in i wa quite comfortable speaking in front of 0 people and making an as out of myself so long story short i currently weigh 9 kg i m cm in length cm for the win and i m now i m doing my internship to gain my qualification which is the last step i spoke with my psychiatrist that after online powerpoint presentation i want to try to reduce my dose to 0mg a i developed a go with the flow and if it happens it happens type of attitude also i m on other medication so i would like to reduce cost i asked my psychiatrist if it s a good idea to stop seeing my psychologist a we only talk about my problem my psychiatrist told me to still go a it help me vent my frustration i m not gon na lie it help and it s fun for me but i notice after i gained mass from covid my libido slightly increased a well also i went on my first date in my entire life the date had a lot more anxiety than i have mine wa non existent the reason why i want to stop my clobazam treatment is i think i have a significant improvement with my anxiety even my ocd ha improved i have a lot le to worry about regarding failing my engineering course a i m almost done i want to save more money i grew up here in south africa and a lot of terrible thing don t faze me anymore sometimes i find it quite funny i really want to see if it wa the clobazam that tanked my libido and i would like to gain it back please so what do you think after week with the presentation that s coming up i m gon na see how my anxiety is had some physical chest pressure but that wa due to issue at work which i had to resolve myself and after that i m gon na slowly reduce my clobazam to 0mg also did any of you who were on clobazam had an impact on your libido i wa impotent when i first started at 0mg but it s manageble at mg after the weight gain some slight improvement,Depression +39309,i don t know why but i am convinced that i am a horrible person and a burden to everyone like i am convinced that i hurt people all the time and i don t know how to get rid of that thought,Depression +39310,i m planning on moving out of my father s house for the first time in my life my entire life i have gotten anxiety when i would stay away overnight somewhere other then my own home i used to not even be able to do sleepover but i ve improved a lot since then and even took a five day vacation to visit a friend last year and only felt bad the first day i know moving out will be good for me too however when i think about moving out my thought immediately go to how many panic attack i might get for a while after i move out and i m honestly terrified doe anyone have any advice that could help with this i can t live at home forever lol,Depression +39311,i am relatively new to anxiety it started a month ago with an sudden fear of dying and two severe panic attack the same night that brought me to the er since then i am constantly anxious have had a whole range of symptom chest pain numb left shoulder headache feeling cold there are so many physical symptom so i have found this page apology if already posted somewhere with a very large list of symptom that can be caused by anxiety list of symptom http www counsellinghelp co uk panic and anxiety symptom resolved by torquay paignton and exeter counsellor html i am currently trying to ignore my numb left shoulder chest pain and neck pain without much success but knowing they are symptom help i hope it can help you too,Depression +39312,m since covid started i haven t really been out at all and now i got my first date ever which i ve been tryna put off by excuse and now it s either i go or just loose out on the opportunity to go i ve got health anxiety and a bit of social anxiety i feel like i m not ready but i really don t want to loose the opportunity to take her out on a date i don t know what to do and i m just stressed out i m planning a easy date like bubble tea and a walk in the park probs see the sunset but i m still stressed out lol,Depression +39313,when i stopped in 0 9 it took me month to taper off it so taking a medication that cause withdrawal symptom like that scare me it s the only thing that help other then numbing the feeling with an antidepressant i m on lyrica 0mg and buspar mg to time a day i don t feel down but my anxiety keep me from moving forward with the thing i need too am i right to continue struggling with anxiety and all the health issue that come from it just so i can avoid a benzo,Depression +39314,im not sure if this is the right thread to put this under idk if this is considered anxiety or irrational fear ocd or the warning sign of psychosis evolving the other day i saw a spider in my room keep in mind i saw a jumping spider in my room a while ago and i didnt sleep in my room for a whole month maybe even longer a couple day ago i saw another but this time im 90 sure it wa a northern black widow i saw the back of it and it wa black with white spot on it and a huge as it wa all crumpled up so i poked it with a pencil it wa in fact alive it stood up abruptly i screamed and ran to my brother to kill it he picked it up with a napkin and flushed it i wa too frantic to tell him not to flush it so we could figure out what it wa well i wa curious a to what kind of spider it could be so i searched black spider with white spot it didnt look like the writing spider or anything else i came across a match but my excitement of finding a match quickly faded a i read the name of the spider i lost it i went to my mom room cry and she refused to listen to me so i called my dad they all told me it wa nothing and it probably just came in on my dog i calmed down but it didnt help much when i sleep on the couch i vigorously shake off my blanket from my room so i can make sure there no spider on it it become a part of my routine to also shake off my pillow and take them out of the case but tonight while i wa shaking them off something occurred to me what if there wa spider in my pillow now i cant use my pillow because all i can think about is spider being in it i also heard a story about a guy that woke up covered in them because there wa a nest in his pillow and a bunch of spider hatched im terrified i cant sleep without a pillow and my first day back to school is tomorrow and it super late i dont know what to do i cant sleep and this is greatly exhausting me i couldnt even use my favorite blanket since it grey and if one of the spider is on there i wouldn t be able to see it what should i do to make my life normal again how do i overcome this please help,Depression +39315,i know these question are probably annoying and kind of outdated now since most people i know are fully vaccinated but i just need the extra reassurance that i ll be alright i have my first dose and it wa fine pfizer but i m so freaking nervous about the second one it s so funny how my anxiety work around this i have health anxiety and worry about getting sick a lot so it s like get vaccinated but i m scared of the side effect lmao how were your preferably positive experience with your second vaccine,Depression +39316,tw mention of anxiety ocd allergic reaction back story in 0 9 i had a bad batch of sushi and developed scombroid scombroid fish poisoning or histamine fish poisoning is a syndrome resembling an allergic reaction that occurs after eating fish contaminated with high level of histamine i had every symptom of anaphylaxis and wa taken to the hospital in an ambulance where i wa diagnosed with a scombroid i had never heard of this neither had my parent but god ha it ruined my life and all the progress i ve made regarding my anxiety after this happened i developed a serious fear of becoming allergic to food i ve eaten all my life to the point all i ate for eight month wa plain chicken tender and tater tot and even with a basic menu i spent every day having panic attack convinced i wa having an allergic reaction flash forward to early 0 0 my fear extended into what wa diagnosed a ocd i spent every five minute lathering my arm and hand in hand sanitizer because i wa afraid of touching something i wa allergic to and not knowing i would even put hand sanitizer on my lip if i accidentally touched my hand to my mouth before i could clean them i have since sought out help and have stopped my obsessive sanitizing however the fear of an allergic reaction through eating ha not gone away i still struggle to eat but it really hasn t been an issue for me lately until tonight my food tasted funny and it sent me into a spiral it s so hard to express to people that hey my body is creating fake symptom that aren t actually happening and i am freaking out and it s so disheartening when i let it get this bad i know progress isn t linear and that one bad day doesn t set you back to square one but i can t help but feel like all my hard work is erased when i let my anxiety win basically i m trying to see if anyone ha any advice to handling serious health anxiety when it get to attack level maybe someone else ha been in this exact situation and i m not alone it would be nice to feel le alone any kind word or advice regarding my situation would be greatly appreciated,Depression +39317,let s not leave anyone alone,Depression +39318,i ve made phenomenal progress with my anxiety issue over the decade but one thing ha gotten worse and i m not sure what to call it if i start a train of thought and i suddenly remember something traumatic or embarrassing or unpleasant i start to feel bad and i start to say thing out loud when i say the thing it seems to release pressure so that it s easier for me to stop thinking about what upset me it s usually something like no or amen although it cycle and it s been worse thing like i hate myself or i want to die it s annoying enough when i do it by myself but i ve started doing it with my husband or child around and it worry me to know he s hearing me say these thing is this actually a kind of tic if not what is it doe anyone else do this,Depression +39319,i got a new job two week ago it s going amazingly i m a cashier at a retail store before this job i mainly did stocking in retail but i needed a job and they didn t have another position open everyone there is fantastic and it s fully staffed unlike a ton of other retail job i ve had i feel really comfortable already they even asked if i wanted to be a supervisor so quickly because of how well i ve taken to it a downside would be that i don t love being a cashier you re kinda chained to a little spot and have to interact with hundred of people daily but i m managing i m also used to heavy physical exercise at work which i no longer have however i adore the people at the front end and have been invited to a hangout with them i m super extroverted but i m not used to this level of constant interaction however i m well liked by staff and customer in the moment through out the day for most part i feel safe and comfortable however once i leave is a different story i ve always been an extremely anxious person cripplingly so at work i can get overwhelmed but i m always able to soothe myself i don t usually freak out though once i get off i feel a wave of anxiety i immediately feel tense driving home i had a panic attack yesterday on the drive home to the point that i wa hyperventilating i can t seem to get myself to relax i go into fight or flight then my brain will search for literally anything to be worried about covid cancer my boyfriend leaving me my physical appearance declining i end up staying up all night worrying and freaking out i can t get myself out of the thought loop i begin to feel terror and existential dread yes this happened before i worked this job but it s worse now i can t get myself back down from it why is this happening any tip to bring myself in the moment after work,Depression +39320,whenever i sit down to study my heart start racing and i feel overwhelmed and anxious i think it s my fear of failure sometimes it s so bad i have to lay down anyone else,Depression +39321,i m a year old male and today is the last day to drop out of uni without paying for the semester i ve been trying to get this degree for a long time and i finally seemed to be on track until last year when my year relationship ended and i wa basically unable to function let alone study properly so now i ve still got full year left to complete and i just can t come to term with staying broke for that long at this age until i ve finished furthermore i m not medicated for my adhd because i couldn t deal with the side effect it s overwhelmingly frustrating and shameful because i know i m intelligent and it s an interesting degree the other thing is i ve basically told my friend and family that there s only year left for some absolutely dumb reason being at uni gave me at least something to tell people that i wa working towards now i m going to have to accept that i m a complete failure with a massive debt if anyone wa in a similar situation or ha advice i d love to hear about it peace,Depression +39322,for context my so and i are living with our in law temporarily a famously difficult living arrangement and the main issue ha been their constant and relentless remark they love passive aggressively hinting at thing they dislike and throwing little dig here and there to get a rise out of u i m well aware that they are very much projecting their own insecurity unhappiness onto u and i m somewhat able to find solace in that yet it still get tiring after awhile i m extremely sensitive and hyper aware of myself and others and even little throw away comment can feel like a punch in the gut sometimes we plan to move out soon but for the time being how can i distance myself emotionally and take thing at face value,Depression +39323,ha anyone dealt with tight throat shortness of breath for multiple week i ve been short of breath for almost week now i just got prescribed escitalopram and this is my first time taking medicine for anxiety i need insight if this feeling will go away soon thanks guy,Depression +39324,for some reason my life feel like i m stuck in the th circle of hell or something i don t know why i can t seem to hold grasp of anything positive i m year old i have a job i hate with a passion i m in school and almost have my degree but it s taken me year just for my aa i want to direct movie i feel like i can truly do whatever i want and live an amazing life but i can t seem to grasp it i know the work i have to put in but depression and thing in life keep holding me down i pray to god a lot for guidance and strength and sometimes thing seem so clear but other time everything slip through my finger and i m lost i know some might not be religious but i do believe in god i workout a lot i used to be obese i look completely different and have a lot of muscle but inside sometimes a lot of the time i feel invisible do i want to be seen maybe but more so i just want to be appreciated and i want a woman who love and appreciates me and i want a family i want a son and a daughter and i want to live a wholesome life and i want to live the purpose i know drive me i have a girlfriend she went into the army for the reserve and left in january it s march and i just watched her graduate basic training before she left thing were really great i prayed and prayed to have a woman like her in my life and it felt like god actually answered my prayer when i found out she wa going in the military it broke my heart because we had known each other for a month she decided to go into the reserve so she could come back and we could have a life however since she s been gone i can t shake this anxious feeling and i feel trapped and depressed my life is being held down and i am losing sight of myself i watch other people have kid and marriage and all my friend have kid now and it s something i ve always wanted since i wa young i don t know how to describe it but i m being trapped by thought of abandonment and her changing her feeling towards me and meeting someone new she s reassured me so many time so many that it s just redundant at this point i m not the man i wa when we met and i m so much le confident now and i m so scared of losing this girl i hate my life now and i ve contemplated suicide i feel so trapped by my emotion and anxiety and i can t seem to function right i don t want to go to work or eat or move or do anything i just want this to be over she will graduate tech school ait in two month and i will know if she stay with me but i m humiliated by this whole thing and for some reason thing in my life feel difficult my self esteem ha crashed and i can t think straight it not right and almost pitiful to think but others seem to have a good life with their spouse and i have nothing i know it s not the right way to think i had goal and step to get myself out of my crappy job and to live my dream but i can t reach any of them because of how held down i feel the advice i m asking for is what to do i m trying to have faith thing will work out with this girl but if they don t i m going to crash hard this will be the rd serious relationship i ve had potentially not work and i am so scared of my future and dying alone and i feel i have a good heart and am willing to put in the hard work for a relationship and to be the man a woman desire this woman is the first one i ve ever truly loved and i just feel so lost and like a child i m sure not many will read this because it s so long but i m just in a bad spot,Depression +39325,a known now i am m and identify a unlabeled and that s great i used to identify a bisexual but now identify a unlabeled since i feel more comfortable with it straight to the point is that i m scared of how my parent will think of me in the future and how i will tell them my sexuality reason are is that i have a gf and i want everyone around me to see that i m straight but they won t anymore and they will see me a gay because in the future my gf will most likely become trans and switch to being a guy i like guy and girl but don t like the label bisexual idk why so that s why i identify a unlabeled so i will be seen gay to my parent and i live in a catholic family so i m nervous how my future will be and it curl my stomach to think about they said they would accept me if i wa gay but i told my mom i wa straight and her reaction wa oh thank god and now i think she could of been lying idk that reaction make me nervous for the future i m just trying to live a a kid now and enjoy the moment while i could,Depression +39326,i m a freshman in college rn i have an english essay due tonight however i am so anxious over my result and quality of my work that i can not even finish just the thought of writing or receiving my grade make me feel physically ill big project and essay have always made me feel this way but since i m especially struggling with this one it worse i want to just accept whatever grade i get but i can t the last time i felt like this over an essay my hand shook a i turned it in and i cried profusely afterwards ironically it wa the best essay grade i ve ever gotten 00 but this time i know i would be lucky to get an 0 i wish i wasn t like this i just this day to pas it been nothing but tear nausea and anxiety,Depression +39327,i feel like i experience anxiety backwards everyone say their thought are racing i get brain fog while my heart s pounding awful stuff when school is my main trigger and getting something done is the way to make it stop dae get muffled thinking when they re anxious any tip on how to deal,Depression +39328,for the most part my life is perfect in the grand scheme of thing i am probably in the of well off people on this planet globally speaking i have a home car no debt a family etc it is all there however i am so riddle with anxiety and depression that i feel i am just wasting my life away all i do is see red and fear the worst all day every day i just turned 0 in looking back i ve become very sad how ironic sigh realizing how i ve spent from the 0 to 0 being anxious and wasted away all this potential brain space i have no other way to describe it and a i look to the next 0 year ahead i fear i will do the same can you imagine laying on your death bed thinking i worried and anxiously walked through life i had all this pent up anxiety depression anger insert your ailment here and that is what defined my time here i could elaborate but almost every activity whether banal or extreme is met with a flood of negative thought worry emotion etc i sometimes feel like i am vibrating from so much anxiety it s fucking crushing every day is just a struggle to be normal,Depression +39329,yesterday i noticed puncture wound on my thigh i m actually not really sure what they are they could be abrasion wound i might have scratched there but i can t remember but of course i ve been fixated on bat ever since i heard you might not feel a bat bite i ve been very afraid of them i know i m probably ok like 99 sure but that like a bat might have gotten under my cover bit me then flew out and disappeared is just freaking me out and i thought my toe leg felt a little tingly tonight so i just can t sleep health anxiety is so unreasonable,Depression +39330,guy do any of you also wake up every morning from scary nightmare and feeling completely estranged when you open your eye like your surrounding feel so foreign eventho it s your own home your own room and it take some time for you to realize youre just fine do you wake up with fear every morning,Depression +39331,i m have aspect of social anxiety and notice it largely when talking with people i view a smart and they start bringing up some complex idea a they are explaining it i often go through this cycle of oh no they re explaining something complicated you better pay attention or they ll find out your dumb then of course i ve zoned out for a few second now playing catch up and i either nod along praying they think im following or if i m feeling brave ask them to repeat there s a major imposter syndrome component i know but i m just wondering if anyone else struggle with this kind of thing ha any recommendation,Depression +39332,i m m on a super low dose of buspar all thing considered i think i like it i ve been on it since mid december and break a mg tablet in half and take that x a day so basically mg a day overall it feel pretty good for me minimal side effect other than i can t drink on it alcohol isn t a huge part of my life but i ve always enjoyed meeting friend or coworkers at a bar for or beer for a couple hour once a week that amount is enough for me to get a little buzz have a more lively conversation but also still wake up without a hangover now with buspar after drink i get drunk but not in a good way in like a very confused dumb clumsy and sleepy kind of way i ve basically just cut alcohol out of my life which doe have some benefit i don t spend a much money i don t eat late night fast food no more groggy hangover no staying out late no beer belly but on the other hand i ve basically become a social recluse part of the reason i started taking buspar wa because of my social anxiety and in day to day life such a work and parenting and just going about my day a normal i feel like it s improved but so much of going out in the evening with friend or coworkers or new friend or new coworkers involves drink and a that s no longer an option i ve just kinda found myself le and le interested in going out with people who i know are going to have a night out of drinking not entirely sure how to proceed,Depression +39333,i get so nervous every time my spouse leaf me he is in the military which happens often and it just spiral me i am so scared of losing him and it make no sense but i feel like we are safer together what can i do to assure myself nothing will happen and if i am just over obsessing over this for no reason,Depression +39334,sometimes when my anxiety is bad i ll snap at people i always regret it immediately after and i hate that i do it doe anyone el here have this problem if so do you have any advice thanks,Depression +39335,so the other day i wa playing a game and chatting on the phone with a friend let s call her bri and i have a friend staying with me this month let s call her anna so i told anna that i would be on the phone and she nodded and then later on i got on my call anna felt like this wa the perfect time to call all her friend and be super super loud on the phone with them i m letting anna stay with me a a courtesy because they didn t have a place in town to stay while they worked once i got off the phone with bri anna felt like using her inside voice finally and then basically ended her call around then too anna ha been freeloading and doesn t pay me any rent like she said she would and i think it s incredibly rude of her to act this way the one time in the past month that i had a phone call the thing i m anxious about is that me and bri were talking about some deep stuff on the phone and then we d hear anna in the background being super loud and i m anxious about whether bri is mad at me but i live in a studio so there s no privacy from anna i feel like i should apologize to bri and let her know that my earphone were in the whole time so she know that anna didn t hear any of it since it wa really personal stuff we were talking about while anna took her phone call there s a lot of other thing anna had done while freeloading that upset me but that s for another time since i actually started taking anti anxiety med because of the anxiety anna cause me and the med don t help a much a i wish they would,Depression +39336,i have severe eco anxiety sometimes it s so bad i have a breakdown and think how can i possibly go on with life if it s headed somewhere so awful i m always worried about my future ever since i wa a kid however most of the time when i m doing okay i want to keep living and i want to do what i can to make that happen i so often see people saying such morbid and pessimistic thing about the future like they ve already given up and i find this so disheartening i also don t think many people realize what this attitude doe to people mental health it is incredibly harmful this kind of opinion breed consequence and make more and more people feel the same way i just want everyone to think about what they say on the internet and how it can be harmful anger and negativity don t do any good so let s not waste time and energy focusing on the bad that wa done rather we should focus on what we can do and how we can help no matter how small the worst thing you can do for the planet is expect someone else to save it please remember it s never too late to save the planet edit i wanted to add something marketing it a powerful tool study have shown that fear mongering doe not work and just creates despair and inaction people need to believe the planet it saveable to save it so when talking about these issue please try to leave the intense negativity aside also i don t want everyone to feel like the world is on their shoulder i just want to do what i can to create a more optimistic attitude towards the future any small change you can make make a difference,Depression +39337,they didn t respond after a day so i brought it up in person if they even got it and if they liked it they said that picture stress them out knowing that they could be accessed by a hacker and that they didn t do it for them i like to send picture when i m feeling good because it make me feel even better but this sting of rejection is really tough for my anxiety i feel silly and ashamed and don t understand how he didn t like it,Depression +39338,english isn t my native language so please excuse possible incorrect grammar hi guy so a quick explanation to why i f want to get diagnosed i ve been struggling with panik attack and alot of anxiety since i wa a toddler i think about or yr old i ve done quite alot of research about gad and the vast majority of the symptom i could find describe what i m struggling with quite well so lately i ve been thinking about telling my physiatrist and i have a lot of question and worry surrounding that it would really mean alot to me to read some of you guy s experience with getting diagnosed feel free to share in the comment first of all i don t really know how to approach this conversation with her like how do i start it and what kind of question could she ask me im diagnosed with adhd i don t know if the process is similar to that of an anxiety disorder diagnosed and second what if i don t have an anxiety disorder ive been struggling my whole life it honestly feel like my anxiety ha pretty much full control over what i do and especially what i don t do thanks lt,Depression +39339,when i talk to people they ask me stuff and everything most my reply just yes no or i m good but in my mind there s just so much i want to say i just keep it all held in and i hate it i try talk and i feel so stupid how can i just open up and talk to people,Depression +39340,i have got work related anxiety and having a tough time to understand if i should leave this job project and join another company or project why this decision is to be made i am kinda the wiz kid in the project who know everything and everyone is kind of dependent on me which put me in a spot where i can fail alot i am trying to decide what is the right thing to do i am in therapy a well i get triggered whenever i think about work and now it ha become something that happens whenever i think of some big decision i have developed fear of stuff which i never had like height or crossing the road i do cross the road but it take a lot of time i hope the advice i get from this sub reddit will be helpful and help me decide because mental is first,Depression +39341,had anyone tried luvox i know it s for ocd but i wa given that for said ocd and panic disorder i m bipolar and am already on medication i just wan na know about side effect and if it ha either worked or given anyone trouble,Depression +39342,i ve been struggling super hard with my anxiety a it s popped up in the most inconvenient of time it s to the point i don t want to go out place with my boyfriend or family party or anything every time i do i have an anxiety panic attack and have to leave ha anyone had any experience overcoming this im on medication and just started therapy just get nervous and feel like something is so wrong with me and i just want to be better,Depression +39343,i recently found out i have high level of anxiety and i notice i m very anxious at work all the time i just wondering if there s any job that is not to stressful and i can still survive i also think about starting my own business will that be a good idea,Depression +39344,i know i m not i m fully aware that i m not dying the problem is the fact that it feel extremely difficult to breathe even though i know nothing is wrong my lung are genuinely taking in all the air that they can and i don t have any medical issue there s no pressure around my rib yet i feel trapped i feel like i m running out of breath and it s making me panic and that in itself is making it even harder to breathe i feel on the verge of a panic attack even my posture is fine ha anyone else felt this weird out of breath sensation it feel like no matter how much air i take in it s not enough,Depression +39345,so i had a doctor s appointment on a school day and i wa so anxious about missing day of school i wa cry because i would miss stuff that day and wa anxious about being behind on my work because my grade are expected to stay the same and not drop is this anxiety or just pressure put on me,Depression +39346,strangling you like your worry won t let you breathe,Depression +39347,hi everyone it s my first time posting on this forum i m really in a bad spot wondering if my anxiety ruined my situationship and would love to talk it through with someone if anyone could message me i d really appreciate it here s a bit more color on the situation we were good friend started talking in december hooked up beginning of february got into a disagreement the next weekend at a bar because this girl who he had hooked up with previously wa all over him and it made me visibly very uncomfortable we spend the next week talking every day but not seeing each other i definitely try to initiate a few hangout so doe he but le so and it didn t really work i know he s also talking to other girl a well but continues to tell me that he really like me and just want to keep getting to know me better last saturday we hook up he again tell me how much he like me and that he doesnt want to play game thursday i ask him over snapchat if he want to meet up for st paddy and he doesnt answer we end up at the same bar i make a comment saying ohh i thought you said no game just teasing he get upset and think i m trying to have a feeling talk with him at a bar while he s drunk we flush it out over text the next day and i ask him if he want to hang out this weekend he say we ll see and that he ha some plan already we end up bumping into each other again on saturday this time we talk the whole afternoon but i can tell he s le flirty more withdrawn he s going to a concert so he leaf i tell him later we re all going out to this bar he like and he heart the message this morning i snap him and ask how the concert wa no response obviously i need to leave this man alone at least for a little bit but i feel like back the first time we hooked up he wa so so into me then i ruined it by being jealous at the bar and by continuing to only pursue him i got complete tunnel vision i should have just left him alone and maybe he would have come to me but now i ve put so much pressure on the situation it doesn t help that my roommate who is his friend tell me constantly how much he doesn t actually like me and that he s just a player,Depression +39348,hi all i guess i just needed to share how i m feeling for year i ve been battling anxiety on and off for year it s been health anxiety primarily heart i ve had so much testing done that show i have rare benign pvc i m healthy and what not that s great and all but this past week i called 9 and wa in the hospital twice i haven t had to call since 0 i will start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist a of this week time a week i ve tried a lot of medicine and never had luck i m now on mg of buspirone with a potential of 0mg depending on how i do i have ativan a needed for emergency medicine now too i m on day of buspirone i know thing take time but before this past week i thought i wa the best i ve been in year i m sitting here sobbing because i can t believe i m back to square i m scared of medicine so i cry a i take the buspirone but i m scared of not be okay too i just feel so lost and hurt i m i want to have a family of my own soon and i can t even see past all my fear and confusion i miss the old me i know my trigger but i don t know what s truly deeply causing this i m so sad i just want to be okay to be my happy self i wa having so many more good than bad day why am i so scared of medicine i am sorry to anyone who feel how i do or struggle i am here for you,Depression +39349,my mental health ha been sharply declining lately for various reason and i ve found myself in a constant state of dread and paranoia i m far more nervous than usual and i m very uneasy around other people even my family in general i ve been very jumpy recently i m constantly glancing over my shoulder at shadow in the corner of my vision mostly i just feel very unnerved like the feeling you get after watching a horror movie the unnerved feeling is the worst part because it s been interfering with my sleep dae experience this and how do i make it go away,Depression +39350,for the past year i have been doing online school and now im going back to high school but i have to meet with my school dean today and im so so nervous,Depression +39351,to be fair i don t have access to much of my family s history past my parent so i don t know if there s a possibility that someone in my family tree had anxiety but when i wa younger i remember taking online test about anxiety because i couldn t see a therapist then worrying about the result did i somehow create my anxiety by self diagnosis then spin it into the real thing,Depression +39352,im currently looking into getting a diagnosis for gad but it the meanwhile i have been thinking i have been on multiple different medication different diet being more physically active therapy etc and yet despite everything i haven t made any progress into controling my anxiety it still control my life i m so tired of being worthless and i don t know if i ll ever be happy with my life,Depression +39353,i have gad and have been going through an emotional upheaval with my partner causing extra stress i ve been reducing my lexapro slightly a i felt it wa not working but now am more anxious than ever despite tiny change today i woke up full of dread to go to work no reason i love my job but it all felt too much a a mid ground i decided to work from home today instead of going in i still feel light headed and awful and have the added guilt of messing client around by changing the schedule or converting to online service what do i do how do i get myself to work when it all feel too much,Depression +39354,had it under control for year taking zoloft every day started to feel better and stopped taking it wa good for like month then change came into my life like new job had to move to a different city and came back out of nowhere with vengeance i m so tired of it idnk if i can get it under controlled this time it s crippling my life,Depression +39355,hello i have been dealing with bad anxiety for le than a week now which mean that it might not last for long but the idea of it just going away seems unrealistic and i want to be able to deal with my anxiety in the future if it pursues me for the rest of my life i am year of age and live alone i a couple of close friend and family and before my first panic attack where i thought i wa dying i wa having the best time of my life to be completely honest and it somewhat saddens me that my life took at turn for the worse i have always had bad social anxiety but it ha gotten better though my panic attack and my panicked state since last sunday have me questioning what is happening and if the anxiety stem from something unresolved i acknowledge that this would better be discussed with a therapist but the wait time is long to be clear i have far from lost hope but i would like to hear how you guy on here figured out what might be causing it if you did and lastly everyone should know that anxiety isn t going to be the same forever even if it seems bad it can change for the better just like a person and it is natural even though the body s instinct might be acting out of whack,Depression +39356,ya ll ever had beef with a microwave or an alarm clock,Depression +39357,i m scared of something and i can t tell whether i m being irrational or not i spend most of my time desperately trying to avoid this particular thing in order to avoid triggering the anxiety i can t even type the word i m not even sure if i m afraid of the thing itself or just the anxiety it provokes i want to confront this fear but i m worried that something bad will happen if i do how do i work up the courage,Depression +39358,just recently moved into a small condo to be someone s caregiver and i have my own space but i am constantly worried about my neighbor especially the one bellow and above me i worry about every single conversation being overheard and listened to i worry that a a bigger guy i sound like an elephant walking to those bellow i worry that the fancy sound bar and subwoofer i bought before moving wa even an idea is too loud even at quiet level i hate this i feel like i am worried about every single nosie i make i am so used to living in a house with space between each one back when i could blast my music or watch movie with the bass turned up now i am paranoid of watching horror movie because i am afraid that one of my neighbor is going to hear scream and think something weird is going on or hell watching pretty much anything else because i don t want to be annoying i know this is all irrational i know the floor and wall are probably thicker then i think but anxiety won t let me relax i am just paranoid about every sound i make here,Depression +39359,so i already posted something about this before but it wa more of a vent this is more of a flailing desperate attempt to figure out what to do i have a jury summons tomorrow morning i m crossing my finger that somehow despite it being the weekend they might still update my status a ended so i don t have to go but i know my chance are slim to none i know myself well even if i manage to get any sleep at all tomorrow morning will be hell on earth my anxiety is gon na have a field day it s already pregaming right now given that info i wa wondering if any of you have called in sick to your jury summons because of anxiety and how that went i m willing to try going but should i find that my anxiety is just too much i d like to have some sort of a plan b it kind of scare me the idea of calling in cause idk if they d consider sickness caused by anxiety a good enough reason besides that i know some place will just have you reschedule while others might not be so easy going all this legal stuff freak me out i don t want to be held in contempt sent to jail or fined but i also would rather not have to have a mental break down in front of a bunch of people i don t really have any medication that can help other than propranolol but all that doe is slow my heart rate the last time i took it to try and help during a stressful event i still felt short of breath and really nauseous which wa honestly kind of new i ended up having to hide away from people for like an hour till i felt somewhat better even then after another hour or so i started feeling really anxious again idk what to do i know jury summons isn t really that bad most normal people just think it s boring but for me having so much wait time will just lead to me obsessing over how i m feeling i can t really distract myself that well because i ll constantly be anticipating being called up which could be within the first hour could be multiple hour or possibly not at all on top of that it s early in the morning which i have a pretty bad track record with too early morning like that usually result in me feeling nauseous which result in me not being able to eat much you can t eat in the assembly room but you can t really leave in case they have an announcement so i d have to wait if i wait too long i start to feel really shaky and weak i d say hypoglycemic but i ve been tested for that and apparently i don t have it maybe i m just in starvation mode all the time so i run out of energy nutrient fast anyways any advice is welcome,Depression +39360,im so confused and frustrated and conflicted and angry and want to cry i feel like my friend have abandoned me all except one of them in our friend group never make plan or ask to hang out and all of them have new friend group this year they re closer with and it almost like there s no one to talk to anymore it s my last year of highschool and i just feel like i don t wan na be surrounded by any familiar face from school anymore and that i don t actually have any friend and people will just tolerate me or they just ignore me all together a bunch of other stuff is going on but idk i just feel so lost and unproductive and like i have no goal i never finish project i start like hobby wise i never finish show and it just make me feel stupid and lazy whenever i try to talk to anyone in my family about something important or good i want to share i feel like most of the time it s an unenthusiastic oh that s great or just not now i m stressed i have to get xyz done which i understand but i don t like opening up for this reason i also just can rarely describe my emotion properly or even know what i m feeling but i don t even like talking about my emotion it make me feel gross and pathetic,Depression +39361,i have anxious attachment style and i have autism a well i m and i ve never had a relationship last more than month at this point i feel no one gon na understand or love me and i ll be alone forever do girl not like guy that are clingy and sensitive do i have to change,Depression +39362,this guy and i have been dating for exactly a year the last few day he ha been angry at me because he doesn t like that i sleep and stay in bed all day he yelled at me and told me to do something about my unhappiness on friday night he came into the bedroom and told me that he s sick of my lying in bed all day and always cancelling plan on him then saturday morning he opened the bedroom curtain and i told him to shut them he yelled at me and said that it s a nice day and that i need to see it i came out of the bedroom later and we ended up having sex then i went back to bed how do i dump him,Depression +39363,hi i hope you re alright erm i dont have anyone to talk to about my problem so that is what mainly lead me here i have been experiencing a very confusing and frustrating situation the past year well technically year i m 0 yr old so through hundred of small bit of information and realisation from family member teacher friend colleague and self reflection i have realised that i have some sort of mental disability my parent and family have tried to hide it from me my whole life but since about year old i have always known i wa different to other people but i just assumed it wa my personality i have suffered from anxiety my whole life and severe anxiety and depression since year old which no one know about not even my parent i have always wondered to myself why i wa so different to other people but i guess i never really thought that deep into it untill recently i went through an awful lot at the age i wa suicidal i used to self harm bad ptsd i d say i went crazy i wa just lost and confused so i guess you could say i experienced a life time in year so i defintely learnt alot and i came out a completley changed person for the best not worst which i am only seeing now i learnt to appreciate life family friend mental health and relationship while you have them i have always struggled to make friend i have been bullied on and off in school and i struggle to keep my existing friendship i struggle to talk to people i also had to go to speech therapy session and haven hand writing session outside of school everyone say im quiet which i am but i wish i wasn t i have so much i want to say and express i just really struggle doing it so so i dont get embarrassed i tend not to talk too much the past year i have realised that i have some sort of mental disability which ha been quite alot for me to take on especially on my own through alot of small thing like when my college teacher refused to tick the box on a form which stated i had no learning difficulty for 9 month staright well dom how about this let leave the box unticked for now and if at a later date you decide to open up about it we will tick it making feel like a fucking mental patient so i told my cousin about this and his response wa wait your parent haven t told you so i left his house immeditetly started driving home and broke down cry i eventually got the gut to ask my parent but their answer wa we got you tested when you were a kid but the doctor said it wa unconclusive then i told my friend about all of this and they all agreed that they think i have a disability s like aspergers autism adhd ocd which shocked me even more so then i started looking back through my life and alot started to fall together and make sense which wa extremely emotional for me then i found out that my uncle and cousin on my dad side have aspergers and that auntie amp cousin have aspergers and auntie ha dylexia on my mum side my mum and dad definitly have something too but no one will tell me this then made me realise that i am an extreme cocktail of this i have struggled my whole life but assumed it wa just me but the thing is i still dont know what i have and it making go crazy my family are hiding it from me i think i have aspergers but then again it could be adhd dylslexia something else autism i dont fucking know and i have no support off anyone i have no one to talk to and im going insane ive been feeling so lonely for year i really need a councincillor im ashamed and afraid to tell my parent about my depression anxiety and everything because i dont want them to start worrying about me it also alot for me to admit it not that easy for me i dont want my whole family knowing too so everything is locked up inside me then it come out in weekly or monthly burst where i just break down i am writing this at that time what would you recommend i do about this do you have any advice i would really appreciate it i would appreciate talking to anyone who want to share thing too thanks,Depression +39364,trigger warning for the last few week i ve been getting random burst of anxiety almost like a panic attack is about to come on when i m out for dinner with friend in work or sometimes even when i m alone i ve dealt with anxiety panic attack in the past and it went away for a while i can t pin point anything that s triggering it since i ve cut out caffeine etc it seems to come on when i become hyper aware of my own existence and that i m here on earth lol idk how else to explain it i have been drinking twice a week maybe this could be causing it i m not sure it s annoying because i m trying to share valuable time with people and this ha been getting in the way it s making me annoyed at myself and i m trying to not beat myself up over it i wa out for dinner earlier tonight with somebody i ve been dating and had to excuse myself to take a breather i explained to him when i came back that i felt a bit anxious and he wa super empathetic and explained it happens to him sometimes too doe anybody know any technique to counteract a panic attack i tried breathing exercise but i d be open to trying anything else if anyone ha any advice,Depression +39365,on monday i woke up and had a temp of 9 degree celsius 0 fahrenheit so went to the hospital after waiting there for hour i got diagnosed with a rare genetic heart problem called brugada syndrome and gastroenteritis been a fucking shit week lol i m just venting just because i ve got a problem with my heart doesn t mean you do and i m not trying to create any doubt in your mind just need to get it off my chest lol,Depression +39366,it happens a lot when i dissociate at least i have been all day and everything seems like it s moving at the speed of light my whole body feel dizzy and shaky too because i slept hour the main cause of me dissociating today and sometimes it ll randomly feel like everything is going super slow and it feel like i m like stuck in quick sand or something trying to move forward and do stuff but something keep pulling me back,Depression +39367,my throat feel so wierd i don t know if it s anxiety or something medical i ve heard anxiety make your throat feel like this but i also don t feel like i m anxious this have never really happened to me before i m on medical so this shouldn t happen should it someone please help,Depression +39368,if your anxiety is attached to your career goal doe success or validation relieve it,Depression +39369,i ve been feeling pretty even consistently which is good i missed a dose the other night i usually take them before bed i fell asleep on the couch by the time i woke up at am i felt it wa too late before the next dose so just halved the dose today i truly felt the difference and realized the importance of this medication i do find that now that i know what it s like to live like someone with a more normal brain wave thanks to the med when anxious start do enter my mind now it s much more frightening than it wa before even though i ve lived with gad for a long time i wa diagnosed with it a couple of month ago and still i m having difficulty accepting it doe anyone else have the experience of anxious thought now more pronounced and frightening when they are experienced upon missing a dose,Depression +39370,hello all i have anxiety pretty bad which i take lexapro for around the beginning this week i started urinating blood it happened time ever since then i have had to go constantly i made an appt that same day at my urologist and they did indeed confirm there wa moderate blood in my urine they requested i schedule a ct scan which i did at the beginning of april since thats all that wa available they also prescribed me an antibiotic which i have been taking a few day so until something take place i just have these crappy symptom in place until something happens i dont know if i have a uti something else or what i ve never had one before so i dont know what to expect even if i did i m really not in any pain besides the discomfort of having to go constantly accompanied by a dull achy feeling it worse at night when i m trying to sleep and laying in bed also tried azo and ha not helped either any idea how to deal with this and not lose my mind in doing so,Depression +39371,hi i m f i wouldn t say i have an ed but i do have anxiety over food and weight i ve been told i m slim and it want it to stay that way however my parent don t seem to fully get that my dad like to make all my meal which upset me bc his food isn t the healthiest like today he made me a sandwich w a lot of mayonnaise which got me into a rage filled episode where i punched my leg multiple time and couldn t stop cry tho i did they in the bathroom by myself then afterwards he made me ice cream and that scared me even more so i aggressively worked out and punched my leg i get so anxious that i ll get bigger and so all i can think abt is food i ve tried to talk to my dad but he doesn t appreciate it he enjoys making me food my anxiety is getting so bad,Depression +39372,doe anxiety get better after 0,Depression +39373,i m yo female i just graduated in november and been diagnosed with depression and anxiety i always thought graduating wa great cause i always wanted to start a career and i can finally be a real adult plus my symptom were getting better and my shrink decided that i don t need med anymore shortly after i graduated i got a job were i basically create tiktok video for a company i thought i would enjoy this because i do really like being creative but they asked for too much video in a day with great quality not just simple tiktok type video and i had to basically do everything alone it took the joy out of something i truly passionate about plus they didn t pay me enough so i had to quit then i got a c job for a hosting company that pay well plus i can work from home which is a huge plus i thought it wa okay but oh no they didn t train u well to handle customes with their technical issue and i don t have a tech stem background and the workload wa scary for a fresh graduate even one of my co worker who had a computer science degree quit at the second day of the job i tried to suck it up but it worsen my depression and anxiety symptom that were practically gone were coming back to me i cried everyday because i keep thinking i m stupid and inadequate one day i had a panic attack in the middle of my shift and i decided that it wasn t worth it anymore so i quit not working wa so freeing but gave ne anxiety and depression a well because i see so many of my peer already starting their career and they seem to be able to suck it up so i had to apply for a new job tomorrow wa my first day and my last job really traumatized me i cried thinking that i would feel like that again feeling trapped again inadequate and stupid and just overall feel like shit plus thinking that we all have to do this for practically the rest of our life is fucking scary do you have any suggestion or anything you can say,Depression +39374,i ve been having anxiety and i m wondering if my sternum hurting is a part of it,Depression +39375,hello i would really love some advice support from the community all day long i ve been so anxious that i absolutely ruined thing between the guy i wa interested in and myself i really liked him and i got complete tunnel vision about it i feel like we just ended up talking too much that i wa trying to get serious too soon and that i ruined it all by not being the chill cool girl how do i come back from seeming like a clingy freak is there a comeback from this,Depression +39376,towards the end of my senior year of high school my anxiety wa at an all time high i d cry in the parking lot having a panic attack nearly every day and i missed sm school because of it luckily my school teacher and counselor were very understanding and helped me get through it and graduate but i wa very close to not being able to walk due to my attendance i got through it though and over the summer that extreme anxiously gradually faded out surprisingly when i entered college my anxiety wa probably the best it s ever been to be specific my social anxiety wa nearly non detectable i still had some general anxiety about school and stuff but tbh even that wa barely there most of the time i kinda developed a carefree mindset where i stopped being so anxious about being a people pleaser and instead wa just myself i knew i wa a good person i m funny loyal adventurous and a good friend so if anyone didn t like me that s their loss tbh i felt this way in high school too at least in term of knowing my worth the only difference is i wa to afraid to show myself to people unfortunately though i think this carefree attitude went a bit too far a it started affecting my academic i have adhd too so that made me struggle with stuff ofc but i think that my new stance on my life kinda made everything even worse academically i dropped out after one semester i didn t want to but i knew i had to since i wa basically not trying at school didn t like my major horrible grade i wouldn t be able to afford it if my scholarship wa taken away due to my grade if i stayed i d probably be put on academic probation for a major i don t even care about anymore there s probably many more reason that led to me dropping out but moral of the story is i m not in school anymore the past two month i ve just been at home honestly doing nothing i enrolled in community college but i attended two class and then on the day of my rd class i got extremely depressed probably the most depressed i ve ever been i couldn t eat sleep or even drink water obviously i couldn t get outta the house and go to my class if i couldn t even do basic thing like that so my mom made me drop out she wa actually the one who kinda forced me into it i wanted to just take a break from school for a semester and work for a bit so i could figure out what i wanted but she wa adamant about going to community college since leaving community college i ve been trying to get my shit together i still have bad day depression wise but it s gotten better i started seeing my therapist again and i m also getting tested by a neurologist to see if i have anything else going on outside of my adhd anxiety and depression a my therapist and psychiatrist think i might have some processing disorder once i see the neurologist i think i wan na get a job again my old job wa great a it wa a small business so they were le strict i m chronically late by at least 0 minute but my old bos wa understanding about that in a way i feel like larger business wouldn t be anyways back to my point today i got a sudden wave of anxiety i haven t felt since probably my first day of college tbh since i haven t experienced it in a while i forgot how debilitating and overwhelming it is idk how to deal with it now,Depression +39377,i wa on lexapro 0mg for over a year and it worked amazingly and went off of it with my doctor s approval i had brain zap and dizziness for like week and then got hit by a truck with physical anxiety symptom i wa off for week total some symptom were the same a why i started it in the first place like head pressure racing heart and a lot of trouble sleeping i wa a wreck before lexapro with constant panic attack and physical anxiety but i got new symptom of forehead and face numbness with tingling and burning sensation which i haven t had before i ve been back on lexapro for and half week and the symptom that are driving me crazy are the face numbness and tingling it s been ongoing for week i spoke to my doctor and am seeing a neurologist i m scared this is a rebound withdrawal affect of stopping lexapro and that it s never going to go away i hope it s just anxiety i can t focus on anything feeling like i have this constant burning and numbness i m seriously freaking out and i hope it go away,Depression +39378,i ve had anxiety since i wa 9 that wa year after my brother death amp my dad s assent into abusive alcoholism year after my discovery of oxycontin the year of my mom s diagnosis of breast cancer they were all dead by the time i wa i ve been addicted to damn near everything in my lifetime iv user of heroin amp amphetamine but nothing wa ever a bad a the xanax era my mom wa dying in front of my eye just wasting away we were homeless for a while we slept in the same bed smoking meth and taking any rx med that took u out of the moment i m now i m married living in a shitty basement apartment i developed epilepsy last year amp have been out of work since my husband work a lot so i m just alone a lot of the time been on so many psych med spent month in a top ranked trauma center in baltimore got round of electro convulsive therapy ketamine treatment just completed my rd inpatient drug rehab on friday back to drinking by sunday i can not take this anymore what do i fucking do like can anybody help i ve done recovery program worked the step been in therapy once a week for the last year nothing is working and i just don t want to be here anymore somebody please help please,Depression +39379,for week i wa cripplingly anxious all day but had a few drink and realised i m only ever comfortable when drunk idk i realise it s unhealthy like soooo much but it s better than my sober self l how can i try and feel the same when i m sober,Depression +39380,hi i keep getting stressed anxious all of a sudden and don t know why for example this morning i woke up pretty calm and wa just relaxing in my apartment doing random thing i started to watch a show then all of a sudden realize i feel restless and slightly weird and i notice my jaw is clenched but i cant unclench it and then yeah it usually just spiral from there or i just feel really fragile for the next hour or two any advice it starting to happen multiple time per day when i m trying to do thing and completely get in the way i haven t been able to do schoolwork in week or anything that requires much brain power,Depression +39381,ok i have social anxiety i m actually quiet smart however when i m in social situation the anxiety is so much my brain go to mush like simple thing like counting money etc is so hard because my heart is beating through my ear i also dissociate ha anyone else experienced this phenomenon when i m by myself i can do all these task easily but in front of people literally become an invalid like it hilarious how people dumb down thing for me sad but all you can do is laugh,Depression +39382,i have social anxiety but over the last couple month i ve become more and more scared of people im not talking about the social aspect but about the behaviour of people they can be so agressive some people at my school just have no shame and wan na fight you etc and it really really scare me and make me so anxious it make it so hard to just go out and go to school,Depression +39383,for past month i ve been having those really weird head rush while falling asleep it s like sudden tension headache head adrenaline rush it s a really weird feeling almost like my head is going to explode when i open my eye my anxiety obviously kick in but the head thingy immediately stop even though the tension headache is kinda on going my anxiety started because lf this head thingy that started happening to me and i also developed a little depression because of it cause i have 0 idea what that is and even doctor are clueless anyone have an idea i am struggeling so hard since this started,Depression +39384,today ha just been so shitty it s so busy at the store i work at and i just constantly feel like i can t breath today i m also so paranoid because i ve been texting my family literally all day and nobody s gotten back to me so i m stupidly paranoid about something bad happening to them,Depression +39385,it s excruciating every time i interact with a romantic partner because i go basically mute when otherwise with anyone else or even with that same person just before we re dating i m hyper and outgoing and comfortable and creative and i can experience and express thought in my head i say a partner a i ve dated four all very different type of people and experienced the same draining of brain juice a soon a we make eye contact a partner it suck lem me know if you can chat about it all relationship lasted almost to a year and i m in th grade by the way thanks for reading and take care today,Depression +39386,sometimes when i m sitting down usually while thinking about something negative or feeling stressed anxious which mean my breathing is also a bit shallow or slow i suddenly feel a moderately painful pinch zap sensation in my chest that is also felt exactly in my wrist at the same time like the same nerve wa zapped is this something that could be due to anxiety stress i ve had an xray and echocardiogram that both came back normal do any of you also experience this,Depression +39387,i have anxious attachment style and i have autism a well i m and i ve never had a relationship last more than month at this point i feel no one gon na understand or love me and i ll be alone forever do girl not like guy that are clingy and sensitive do i have to change,Depression +39388,i am year old and i finallly came to the conclusion that i need help with anxiety i signed up for therapy and will have my first session in a couple of day prior to the therapy session i met with a prescriber to discus medication they recomended starting me off on zoloft or lexapro in general i tend to think of medication a a last resort not just for thing like this but in all aspect for example i rarely used medinces perscribed to me for pain after surgery and would only use them if absolutely necesarry i don t even like taking ibuprofen for a headache unless it is unbearable given that i am trying to figure out whether or going on anxiety medication is necessary for me or not i am worried about going on something for the rest of my life and am a little concerned about the side effect on the other hand i have been reading some post on here about how much med helped people i am hoping to hear from some people that have been on any of these medication and what their experience were also if anyone ha any thought on whether or not someone that is new to this whole anexiety improvement journey should jump into med or just try therapy first and see how that go i always kind of ignored my anxiety and told myself that since i have been able to graduate from college with a good degree hold down a great job for several year and maintain good relationship that my anxiety must not be that bad but a time go by i am starting to feel like it is getting worse and is negatively impacting my happiness and is leading my to lean on stimulant and alcohol too much which doesn t seem like a long term healthy way of handling this i have also had a couple of concussion in the last few year so i am not sure how much that play into what i am going through i would really appreciate it if some people could speak to their experience or have any encouragement or advice for someone just starting out in therapy and potentially medication please reach out if i can add additional context to my situation to help clarity where i am at also i wa reading some other post on this sub about people being tired all of the time i have spent year trying to figure out medically why to no avail i am starting to wondering if my axiety is causing it can anyone speak to any experience or epiphany they have had with this thanks garrison,Depression +39389,doe anyone have such horrible anxiety that they have full lost their appetite i have terrible anxiety i have a new job to attend small kid to take care of a mortgage to pay and my anxiety is out of this world everyday i am down to having the desire to drink tea water only and i don t know how much longer i can function trying to keep up with basic baseline life is so miserable a an anxious person,Depression +39390,i need help on how to stop dizziness from anxiety i haven t been sleeping well,Depression +39391,i just can t seem to relax throughout the day every time i think about sitting down and reading watching a tv show meditating putting a face mask on etc i ve got 000 thing on my mind random stuff anxious thought thing i have to get done etcetc so i never get to truly relax i panic just thinking about reading cause it ll be calm and there s nothing to distract me from my thought until i m able to focus on the book which can take a while the only time i m able to actively relax is when i m tired after i ve worked out for h in the gym or late at night got ta find the sweet spot between anxious mess and falling asleep feel like walking a tightrope amp even when i manage to get there i have more important stuff to do than relaxing eg studying amp other stuff that my anxious self didn t manage to do,Depression +39392,i m a girl on the autism spectrum about to leave my school graduation year but dammit my school a school meant to help autistic youth mind you ha been going down the drain over the past few year and it ha gotten extremely worried about how i m going to work in the future if i can even get a job at all,Depression +39393,advice for adult separation anxiety i m have been with my girlfriend f for over year our whole relationship we have lived apart at our parent house and still do with no issue we see each multiple time a week do fun romantic thing almost never fight she is the love of my life and i seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with her week ago i got covid and i isolated in my room for 0 day only the third time in our relationship we ve been apart for this long after the isolation i came out with a new found love for my girlfriend i realized that i truly want her in my life and i want to be with her forever i knew this before but it wa like a huge reminder since my isolation ha ended though and i saw her again anytime i m away from her i have crazy anxiety like almost can t function don t eat etc nothing ha changed expect for the better imo i now realize she s the one and she feel the same way but for some reason after year of no issue mentally or in our relationship i have developed what i believe after doing some research to be adult separation anxiety definitely anxiety i ve told my girlfriend all this and had a big cry with her and she ha been nothing but supportive and loving i know she s with me for the long haul and i m not worried about that when i m thinking straight but when i m not with her i go crazy i ve reached out to an online therapy company to have a virtual session a i need help and i don t know what to do my girlfriend is super supportive but this can t be healthy for a relationship that my biggest fear is losing just looking for some advice maybe some similar experience and how you went about it anything help,Depression +39394,so here i am at a baby shower only person i know is the expectant mom sitting at a table by myself i hate event like this,Depression +39395,it turned into a fear of leaving the house or even driving a mile away from fear of having a panic attack it just getting terrible and it just so much to take like month ago i wa living in a big city walking mile to and from work by myself on a busy street no problem now im terrified of even driving a couple mile to a gas station without fear of a terrifying panic attack,Depression +39396,hello all i am in need of some advice and input on behalf of my wife she wa officially diagnosed with anxiety a few year ago now and she hasn t really pursued any sort of treatment it s a very sensitive topic to her and so we haven t really discussed her option medication is an especially taboo topic she ha a ton of hesitation about starting medication because she doesn t think the side effect and downside are worth the potential positive aspect i guess i wa just hoping for some advice personal experience and input about this situation what ha worked and helped what hasn t etc particularly about experience with medication and such thank you so much for your help,Depression +39397,for awhile i ve been having thought like these i ve spoken to my therapist and i can t really say she s said much i m trying to make it become a bigger topic but these thought seem so weird and i m not sure how to deal with them it s really extreme stuff too i don t see anyone forgetting like i will literally sit there and be like what if i cheated on my boyfriend and just don t remember it you people reading this probably think i m so stupid but it can t just be me,Depression +39398,doe anyone do the freeze thing a their fight flight freeze reaction and how do you work through that especially when it happens at your job i sometimes sort of just malfunction and can t speak and lose all my thought i don t even know why it happens sometimes but it happens a lot when i make a mistake or do something wrong and then someone higher up try to talk to me about it it s especially annoying and embarrassing in that situation because i sometimes also end up cry or getting teary and i want to just be able to take the blame or whatever but i end up feeling like i m manipulating everyone into just feeling bad for me or if i m not cry and i can t speak i don t want them to think i don t care the other day i had that happen and the assistant director who wa telling me not to do what i did noticed i wa getting emotional and i could tell she didn t know how to respond but i couldn t speak and explain myself i feel so confident sometimes about certain thing and i feel like i ve gained a level of confidence over the past few year and yet at the same time this particular experience feel like it s getting worse and for background i have never been abused or in and abusive relationship and i know this is a very common for people who have been in those scenario so i don t really know why i react that way sooo ha anyone experienced this and maybe have some word of advice what do you do in these situation,Depression +39399,i just started a new job week ago i work there day a week for hour just to pay my bill while i m studying so far i ve been dreading every single day so much that i m actually super nervous the day before and it seems like it s not getting better at all i still feel like i know barely anything and i have to ask my coworkers about literally everything and i m insanely anxious and uncomfortable in that work environment i honestly don t even know why or what exactly the issue is but i m having a really hard time feeling at home there if i remember correctly my last job wa completely fine after a week it s funny because it s just stocking shelf at a supermarket in the morning that s my job and i m anxious about it so how long do you think it ll take to get comfortable to actually not being scared a hell of going there,Depression +39400,i m just completely un able to let go of the past i m sat here thinking about last year i remember being so much happier and stress free but last year i had the exact same issue except i wa thinking about the year prior to that maybe this is just a natural process of growing up i m and i guess life is just gon na get worse from here on in do you think the past just seems better in my head than it actually wa because i seem addicted to it atm,Depression +39401,i just have random racing thought about the past song etc mostly it s just a constant ear worm it s a bit annoying but i can deal with it but a lot of thought about the past have made me cry due to the nostalgia aspect of it not sure if this is anxiety or something else,Depression +39402,i ve been in therapy nearly all my life and have gotten very good at using coping skill that help with the cognitive piece of my anxiety i e responding to my thought distraction etc the part that i still have a lot of difficulty with are the physical symptom i e chest tightness deep breathing doesn t really work well for me any suggestion that you all have for dealing with these symptom,Depression +39403,i have never experience anxiety like this before it feel like my chest is so heavy and i m holding in a puddle of tear at all time i can t eat or sleep i know the anticipation is the worst part but i just don t know what to do with myself my entire thought process ha changed and i just feel a huge cloud of depression following me wherever i am how do you guy cope with intense anxiety once i start having negative thought it just spiral out of control someone please tell me it get better,Depression +39404,i ve had anxiety for a while now but my worst experience with it to date happened a couple of week ago i wa experiencing panic attack daily for a week and anxiety daily for week before that too now i ve managed to calm my mind slightly and i don t have the psychological symptom anymore but i still have some fuzzy head light headed feeling and crazy fatigue exhaustion where i have to lay down after going out this happens when i m not even necessarily feeling anxious could i still be experiencing symptom of anxiety but just the anxiety is subconscious and i m feeling the physical symptom more strongly any help tip are welcome thanks guy,Depression +39405,happy sunday r anxiety it s everyone s favorite day of the week sunday the last hour before monday rear it head again let this thread be a space to set your intention share your goal and concern or just to check in about the week ahead,Depression +39406,anybody else have so much anxiety over confrontation that they block out feeling angry i ve always been terrified of confrontation and i feel like a a result i just bury all of my anger not only do i never speak up about it but i also don t really allow myself to feel it not sure how to stop but i feeling like it is eating away at me i also feel like it might be causing me physical pain it s just exhausting a is all of anxiety,Depression +39407,i m a year old girl who s been talking to a psychologist for the last few month i have social anxiety and she s been helping me a lot with how to deal with intrusive thought and seeing different scenario when i started talking to her i didn t realise that this wasn t going to be a forever thing during our last meeting she told me that i wa doing great and trying to put myself out there by doing my homework telling some really close friend i got anxiety after talking in front of the whole class and such but then she also said that what we re doing right now is like learning how to ride a bike and that it would soon be time to take off the training wheel we booked session for about five more week before the session ended she think i m ready but i really don t i ve been having so much anxiety about this situation because i ve really come to depend on talking to her every week it s been three day and ive been cry so much i really want to tell her i m not ready but then i ll also have to tell her that i always pretend i feel better than i actually do when talking to her there are so many thing i ve not talked about because i thought i had more time i really don t know what to do right know any help or advice would be appreciated cause this is causing me so much stress,Depression +39408,it seems to cause physical symptom too been having terrible health anxiety symptom out of the blue terrified of my throat closing up randomly and you ll never guess what my anxiety is currently making me feel throat tightness currently going through this cycle of scared of throat closing gt fear cause sensation of tight throat i hate how health anxiety make your brain convinced you re gon na die recently ran to the doc thinking i had cancer found a weird lump in leg it wa a lymph node if it s not cancer it s allergy or a rare autoimmune disorder no therapist ha yet been able to help either it suck and make it hard to live a normal life,Depression +39409,saw doctor week ago they just gave me a cream they told me to do a blood test however my anxiety wa so serious i had to ditch really scared of needle now the rash is worse i m so scared i have awful thought amp my next appointment is forever away scared i ll just drop dead or worse,Depression +39410,i sleep plenty i drink plenty of water and i eat pretty healthy no matter what i do though i m exhausted and just want to nap all the time i m seeing my psychiatrist this friday so hopefully i can find some answer but ha anyone experienced this or have some advice i have taken a couple of blood test too but the result were normal everything wa fine,Depression +39411,i believe it s a psychosomatic symptom in my arm but what s it called when you overthink about a limb and hyperfocus on it it feel weird like nothing actually wrong but it s a constant focus because you re thinking about it it s like if you overthink about a word it start to sound weird i hope that make sense i m not really sure how to refocus my attention off of my left hand feeling uncoordinated when it s not but it feel like it is like i m hyper aware my left hand exists and i know that sound so silly but any insight on how to stop this or redirect my thinking i don t feel like being in this rut any longer,Depression +39412,can t stop thinking i m dying of something anything all the time petrified a usual but i m also too scared to go to the doctor and the whole shebang anyway so here i am stewing in my own juice of despair agonising over all the what ifs while doing absolutely nothing about it don t you just love it ironically i feel like even if i did manage to get myself to talk to a doctor get an mri and blood work and all that dramatic stuff i still wouldn t believe them i feel so trapped,Depression +39413,it s been month know i have been having thing on and off pain fatigue dizziness anxiety nauseous headache pressure and stuffy nose random pain in different area of the body i don t know what to do,Depression +39414,i ve been struggling with feeling stress for the last year because of family and job issue a couple night ago i had really bad insomnia and wa up all night i felt exhausted but couldn t sleep all i could do wa lie on my sofa even getting a glass of water wa effort then in the morning my chest felt tight and my thought got kind of jumbled and overwhelming i couldn t sit still and i got up and paced for awhile i had to take deep breath i felt sick to my stomach the whole thing lasted about ten minute but i ve been really tired the last couple day feel like a hangover or something but i didn t drink the reason i m not sure if it s an anxiety attack is because i always heard that it felt like dying to have a anxiety attack and i didn t feel that i felt really unwell though any advice would be appreciated thank you,Depression +39415,hey people 0 started with one huge panic attack and dissociation and all that fancy stuff for me that really messed it all up about ish month ago i started going to therapy and i can leave the house feel normal and do all the thing even stay in front of people with no issue all that stuff but when it s about pm or later i get this insane exhaustion and zoned out feel i get sensitive i feel like my head is full of wool and i am very sensitive to dissociating which could result in panic moment i have my survival kit inspired by people with bpd some stuff i can touch some stuff to smell including ammonia capsule for super intense moment which i have never used before and all that but this is more for the acute stuff the zoning out in the evening creep up on me it doesn t come 0 to 00 in a few second it arrives slowly and go away slowly and it is so annoying i would even say that without this feeling i would be 90ish anxiety free that s because this feeling is the main thing that lead to anxiety in the first place some topic i am sensitive to but that s not relevant for this post without this massive exhaustive burst and the zoning out i would feel what i consider to be normal mindfulness meditation can sometimes get me out of this but this is usually sort of a training that help me control the stuff when it s there or for accepting it but i wan na know if there is something that can help me in my daily management to not even have it happen or at least reduce it oh btw showering help too and eating also reduces zoning out weirdly enough since i started zoning out i am not really able to properly detect hunger anger and zoning out usually come first for context i am a university student with ton of deadline in my back i am easily stressed but i have no other choice than powering through i am semi successful with all that uni stuff but it work i can run the household too i take care of myself i cook healthy food i shower and working out is on the plan too but not existant rn because i have so many assignment to take care of thanks for any help i know this is a lot of random text but i am just looking for someone who is experiencing similiar thing,Depression +39416,i ve been taking escitalopram for a while now it s helped in that i can t even remember the last time i had a panic attack however i have this really weird feeling it s like i have no strong emotion no motivation for anything the thing that brought me joy before don t anymore is this a symptom of something else i don t remember feeling like this before,Depression +39417,it may sound strange but i ve come to realize most of my anxiety stem from my appearance whenever i m out in public i get a rush of depression because i feel like i am ugly and everyone s judging me for it in reality i know it s not true because even if i wa hideous nobody would care it s just in the moment it feel so real and unbearable,Depression +39418,i hate myself right now because of my anxiety i hate the anxiety and i hate that it make me hate myself i hate that i didn t ask to have anxiety i hate that i didn t ask to be raised in a culty religion that wired my brain to have such a narrow view of the world i hate that i wa raised in that religion by a manipulative mother so now it is difficult to believe anyone i just freaking hate it all ultimately i hate myself for hating myself because i didn t cause this and i shouldn t have to suffer because of how other people treated me,Depression +39419,anyone else get so distracted by so much around you that you just put off everything i ve been taking zoloft and literally since i ve taken it i ve been so unorganized it s hard for me to keep my room clean i have a bunch of appointment i have to make but keep forgetting to i have a credit card that i need to start using to build my credit but i haven t even read on it yet or gotten it activated i wan na travel and do all of this stuff i ve just been so tired i have so much to keep up with and the anxiety make me nervous to even go to appointment i need to go to the g i doc the breast cancer doc the dentist the gyno all of this stuff i need help getting organized i used to be so organized and now i feel like i m not at all,Depression +39420,filler text filler tezt,Depression +39421,what brand have worked for you guy and what brand should i avoid and what s your preferred method to take it gummy vape something different how ha it helped with your anxiety,Depression +39422,doe anyone have any advice on what to do i m currently having a panic attack after accidentally popping a pimple around my nose i have severe health anxiety,Depression +39423,whatever sound i hear keep on repeating in my head in an endless loop to the point where if i m in a loud room like the shower or air conditioning is on i start hearing that sound that s looping in my head outside of my mind almost like it warp the real sound and convert it into the sound i hear in my mind i am always very well aware that it s just my head and that it s just the sound repeating although my anxiety can t stop worrying about it being psychosis anyone that can help me i would call my psychiatrist but she doesn t work today so this is my other best option,Depression +39424,ok so i have been anxious for about year now it s only recently got way out of hand i love being on my own or with my partner only i ve became a hermit because being in public around people is just too much for me it s got way worse for the past couple month i can t even cook for a bit of context i have been out of work for almost year now which is probably why i ve only got worse with little to none human interaction i would cook clean etc while my partner worked now i can t even switch the oven on from fear that it will set the fire alarm off the fire alarm are so damn loud i can hear when people have burnt their food a few house down the street i think it s the fear of people knowing it s my house that s making the god awful sound i put food in the oven the other night while my partner wa at work and once the timer wa done on my phone i wa so nervous to open the oven door incase the plume of steam smoke set the alarm off i wa calling my partner leg shaking that bad i had to sit down i put food in the oven last night again and wa again scared to open the oven door i wa at one point just going to turn the oven off leaving the food in there and make toast i don t mind cooking when my partner is home because if the alarm go off i just run and he deal with it lol i m just looking for abit of advice on how to get over this fear it fully take over me tia i don t like to say i have anxiety a i haven t even been to the doctor to get diagnosed and don t want to offend anyone so i ll call it being anxious for now also if this is the wrong sub to put this on mod please feel free to move this post elsewhere,Depression +39425,who have these symptom i have it for month but im still anxious and scared,Depression +39426,hi y all i m currently struggling a lot to do my homework i ve been sitting at my desk for the last probably hour just staring at my laptop and my textbook and i ve barely gotten anything done and the more i think about everything i have to get done the more anxious and overwhelmed i get and the le i can do and it s getting really late and i m exhausted and just want to sleep but i can t go to sleep until i get everything done but i just don t feel able to do anything anymore doe anyone have advice help suggestion,Depression +39427,my anxiety is so through the roof it cause the whole host of problem depression agoraphobia extreme cynicism trust issue assuming everyone hate me that i come off a mentally incompetent everyone look down on me which cause extreme bitterness and resentment towards everyone i interact with feeling inferior to everyone constant feeling of guilt over everything ultra self conscious always worried that something is going to go wrong if i m not always on high alert and never being able to relax everything feeling really fake because i have to pick and choose what i say very carefully otherwise someone might beat the shit out of me too nervous to look anyone in the eye too nervous to talk to anyone always looking nervous and keeping my head down and staring at the ground zero self esteem because i noticed every little thing i do wrong and mentally flagellate myself for it feeling so hopelessly inferior i can t talk to anyone because i don t notice anyone else s mistake ever major anger issue being so nervous i start cry not knowing how to start conversation because i overthink everything i say or just assume everyone want me to fuck off forgetting thing because i m so nervous i try to do everything super fast so nobody get mad at me and i m always in a rush always really nervous and looking over my shoulder to make sure no one s behind me stomach issue because i m so anxious that i vomit getting this point where i m so anxious that i get overwhelmed or something and i dissociate and can t understand what s going on around me everyone think that i have severe autism or that i m retarded i don t know maybe i am but i ve noticed that these symptom go away if i actually feel fucking safe usually i have to be in a place where there are no fucking human it s got nothing to do with autism i just associate human with danger after having the shit beaten out of me so even being in the same room with someone else put me on high alert no one is screaming at or threatening me and no one is fucking watching me unfortunately i get lonely but people pick up on how nervous i am and they say that it make me unlikeable they say that i come off a creepy shy and weird and i can t even bring myself to talk to people because i hate people fucking looking at me after the incident unfortunately i never feel safe anymore i am stuck clinging to my abuser and being unable to leave them because i know if i m out on my own i ll be destroyed by everyone who see me it s like i m walking around with a giant red target on my back that say kick me probably because i m short and they know they can easily kill me if they want to in my personality is so unlikable they know that people probably thank them for killing me i don t know what to do im really lonely but everything about me is wrong and shitty and i m a garbage human who doesn t deserve to exist all i ve heard from god damn human since the incident is how unlikable my personality is i m sorry i got beaten within an inch of my life for 9 month straight and i m fucked traumatized by it don t you dare call me a wimp if it happened i bet you d be fucked up too and you wouldn t be mr tough guy,Depression +39428,hello i age have been feeling like i m going crazy these past month after i got my first panic attack i been having all kind of symptom like not feeling my hand before the panic attack but now i been getting disoriented feeling like im like a camera stuck in my head looking at mirror and not feeling properly like myself if i look to the side of me i get scared even yesterday night before sleeping i had a moment that my brain thought i wa doing something and i actually wa believing that i wa doing it for split second been feeling like my heart is dropping a lot my brain skip moment and this all concern me is this all anxiety,Depression +39429,basically i had chest pain and headache caused by anxiety it felt like having heart attack lack of breathing everything the full package it used to be now it s a lot le like day a week whole day now i am active having fun with friend having fun life but still experiencing major lack of energy like i did not sleep for day it s very annoying constantly felling like i am about to collapse from tiredness,Depression +39430,for the past month i ve been struggling with crippling anxiety that s manifested into some terrifying physical symptom and panic attack i ve gone to the er three time due to panic attack causing me to believe that i wa having a heart attack or pulmonary embolism my head gi system and cardiovascular system have been really angry with me a of late i ve had zero motivation for anything however today i managed to clean my kitchen living room and bedroom i ve vacuumed dusted did the dish did the laundry put away thing and am going to clean my bathroom considering my health anxiety s made me believe i can t do any amount of work without dying i think this is a success i just needed to celebrate that fyi i started 0mg prozac almost three week ago and i believe a lot of my symptom are my body adjusting to that i start therapy a week and a half from now and i have a med check the following day,Depression +39431,i can only explain it a a similar feeling to when you re drunk and your head feel heavy and you feel a bit woozy thing aren t moving and the room isn t spinning but because i have a fear or being dizzy i focus on it so much that i ll look at something to see if it move and then eventually it will obviously that s because i m focussing so hard doe anyone else suffer with anything similar how do you counteract it,Depression +39432,so at the place where i work we had a new girl started off okay work got crazy and we were under the impression she had it under control question were minimal she seemed okay then she wa out sick and we had to take over her desk and long story short there were several thing found that made her a liability and could possibly get u sued by our customer thankfully all thing were corrected and we re okay but now they want to fire her it wa decided that she s out a soon a she s ready to come back from being sick i feel so bad and anxious about this which i voiced to my supervisor who happens to be my mom i said that i didn t feel bad she wa being fired because she deserves it for the huge mistake she s repeatedly been making i feel bad because she s at home having a hard time allegedly but think that she still ha a job like if that wa me i d probably never recover i noticed this anxiety ha me wondering if my relationship is happening the same way where i ll find out later with seemingly no warning that it s not okay and i m fired it s just so hard and i feel so bad but a much a i try to distance myself i can t and i don t know how to make this stop,Depression +39433,i ve been ill with sinusitis for about week with vertigo anyway cut to the past day i ve been freaking out a it ha been hard to breathe a it sometimes feel like i m choking on water but one of the scariest thing wa that my mouth ha been a bit foamy could this be from dehydration or could it be from nothing serious i really hope it s nothing serious a i have some other mental health condition that can cause some very scary freak out over something small,Depression +39434,i ve been waking up with anxiety attack every day for the past week it s been a while since my morning anxiety wa this bad i usually get anxious around people or quite randomly throughout the day which i m used to i ve had that since i wa so i can sort of handle that more or le but man the morning anxiety ha me losing my mind i can t function for hour i either lay in bed with racing heart amp thought unable to move or i m the most fuzzy hyperactive person on earth running around doing random stuff just trying to get away from my thought and hoping it ll somehow calm me down i ve tried breathing exercise meditation stretching taking a shower doing stuff to distract me doesn t help much i have to wait til it go away which take around h for me another hour or two until i feel normal again doe anybody have tip please i just wan na be able to manage this until i can get help the worse it get the more scared i get that i ll fail my university class cause i can t get sh t done which in turn make my anxiety worse vicious cycle,Depression +39435,i just started citalopram this month and my period is late could this be a symptom of starting a ssri,Depression +39436,a little over a month ago i wa over at a friend s house and got to drinking pretty heavily over the night that i spent a his place every so often he would take the bottle away from me and temporarily and hide because he had the impression that i downing a full bottle of liquor at a dangerously fast pace for whatever neurotic reason the idea became supplanted in my head that he wa trying to intentionally hide it away from me so he could spike the bottle with a finely powdered lead in order to cause me to ingest large amount of a neurotoxic chemical to produce measurable brain damage surely this isn t likely whatsoever right it s all i ve been able to ob and ruminate over for well over a month now i could elaborate on a million different pattern and detail and inform you of the interpersonal context between the both of u but then i feel like i d be trying to create and extract a specific response out of people these are the bare bone and objective happening of the night in mention i ve even seen a doctor about trying to get tested for possible acute lead exposure and hinted towards psychological deterioration on a quantifiable level my intuition tell me that my saboteur had successfully managed to reduce my iq by several point and inflict a speech impediment issue which involves a portmanteau synthesis between word in my inner dialogue the way that it wa explained to me from a team of professional who discussed my case wa that because i m an adult it s much harder for a single instance of lead exposure ingestion to be absorbed or produce any perceptible effect or cross the blood brain barrier due to a lack of iron deficiency and binding capacity to red blood cell ergo a test would not be necessary or productive in my case however i can t shake the idea out of my mind i can t dissolve it or even compartmentalize it a i navigate through the day it s escalated to the point where it s infected every part of my conscious thinking and convinced me that i m no longer capable of achieving any of the goal i ve set for myself with my newfound profound disability that are only noticeable to me surely this is something so asinine so comically absurd that the idea should be laughed at the point of it conception why can t i disentangle the idea from my head it s put me into a state of complete inaction i m too paranoid to engage in any socially or mentally stimulating activity because i m terrified that the sting of observing my cognitive deficit in real time will manifest and i won t be able to articulate myself to anyone or anything for the rest of my life and the stuttering habit i never had that issue before never have i ever possessed an affinity for transposing syllable or stating sentence in incorreclty disjointed sequence i used to write quite frequently before this and conversely i feel an all consuming negation of my emotional affectivity and spontaneity my thought aren t being organically generated and i feel a if i have to strain to think of anything lucid or insightful is it natural to feel like your thought have been utterly attenuated and obliterated with anxiety is it normal to feel a if time is accelerating itself faster than your consciousness can adapt to it progression is it natural to feel former part of your identity and desire to become increasingly disfigured obscured and foreign to yourself the aforementioned friend that i spoke of no longer talk to me a we had a falling out with one another over a relationship that wa rife with gaslighting think of the breadcrumbing tactic some narcissist employ maybe that spurred the main causal effect for why i m patternizing my memory in the way that i am but pouring granulated lead into my liquor without me noticing or it producing any physiological effect that s laughable right,Depression +39437,i really need a place to vent right now so i kinda moved out for university i wa here for october and november then my school closed due to corona so i wa at home and school started one week ago i still have the opportunity to go home every weekend it a little pricey but still affordable for me so i am home every weekend and during the week i have my own apartment that i really really like but my mental health is so bad here i really dont understand why because im really not far away from my home town i have friend here and a really cute apartment and im so grateful that i can study and live here but i feel so fucking bad my anxiety is so bad i really cant do anything but worry all the time and i dont even know why i am worring it make it really hard for me to eat because i have a lot of problem with eating when im really anxious which make me just more anxious also i feel kinda bad because i am nineteen and so many people in my age can handle living alone so well i know that i shouldnt compare myself with others but i do i cant imagine living b my own at any age but i know that someday i have to and that i cant live with my mom forever idk if someone feel the same but i still feel like a kid most of the time im not ready for being an adult i really cant explain it to myself because i wa a really independent child and it wa always important for me being independent i never had problem with not being home for week but now i cant even be alone for day i know that in this community there are people who are a little older than me and have a little more experience did somebody felt the same way a i do now with moving out and doe it get better,Depression +39438,there is someone in my life i need to have a conversation with i tell myself i really need to do this to answer the question i keep asking myself and if it doesn t get better then i ll know it s time to cut them out i know i have to do this it will make everything better and solve the problem i got myself ready to start this conversation under the thought that a long a i m trying to communicate it s a win in my book i open the chat and think about typing and i tell myself why even bother it doesn t matter he doesn t care to hear your thought and when you do tell him he s not going to want to fix the problem it s so frustrating because i know what the problem is and how to fix it and i can t i don t know how to take the next step,Depression +39439,apology if this is confusing i m having an anxiety attack while writing this like most people at the start of the pandemic i got sent to wfh which eventually turned into permanent wfh i loved it my job doesn t involve speaking with people unless it s on my own time and i m only in charge of a handful of people and only deal with the people who need the most help i got to sink into my own little bubble and it s coming back to bite me i ve realized my social anxiety ha gotten so much worse than it ever ha i have so much fear just speaking to other people that i feel insane acting like this recently a promotion became available and i don t want to apply i made the dumb mistake of telling my partner about the opening and he s pressuring me to do it i feel physically sick at the idea of doing this some of it is because i m going to be judged but a lot of it is because i will have to do more in the sense of talking to people i can t get away with meeting a month with people i already know it will be constant employee contact and even meeting with people i don t know i m stressed if the pandemic had never happened i could do it i use to be able to flick a switch and become a whole different person at work who only had minimal anxiety now because home is work i can t feel that separation i try to make my work in a different location within my house but it s not easy with my house set up i know i m going to have to do it whether i want to or not because we need the money and the benefit also i wouldn t be able to forgive myself if i didn t at least try but i m so scared i m worried if i do get it that i will be having constant anxiety attack until i m use to the job i just don t know if i can mentally handle that i m worried if i don t get it i will just be constantly overthinking and causing myself anxiety over not being good enough it s a lose lose situation for me and there isn t anything i can do i just want to run away and bury my head in the sand but i can t so i ll do it knowing the consequence and hope for the best,Depression +39440,i ve tried different table from the doctor and they all have really bad side effect i also can t live with i ve tried talking i ve tried working out i ve tried meditation and breathing technique is there anything else i can try,Depression +39441,m no underlying physical health issue known i started taking 0mg propranolol a few week ago missing some day and on others taking tablet when needed they have deffo helped relieve that horrible fight or flight feeling however two side effect i can t stop thinking about which don t seem to be mentioned in the leaflet are the odd heart palpitation and possibly a bit of a cough these typically occur hour after taking the tablet sometimes i don t experience these symptom on others they re quite noticeable i do feel really calm and relaxed after taking them and don t want benzo s ssri but when i experience the heart palpitation i freak out also the cough is kind of worrying too it could be a coincidence i did have covid month ago google of course mention load of other possibility which is nerving anyone else been in a similar boat i thought beta blocker were meant to prevent heart palpitation,Depression +39442,my habit is having to check on my betta fish and make sure he is doing ok before i go to sleep i prompt him to swim up to me and flare stick his gill out it s how bettas express emotion before i can sleep,Depression +39443,i have these bad episode of anxiety that last for day where i m constantly dissociated and whenever i try to sleep i wake up almost every hour with my body completely numb and my vision is like zoomed out and everything is super disoriented and weird i m so tired but i can t sleep and it keep me up all night and i m so exhausted i just want at least one good night rest but i can t even get that i feel like anxiety and dissociation are constantly kicking me around and i can never catch a break in life,Depression +39444,i want to share something my therapist told me that really resonated and stuck with me she said anxiety is like a smoke detector it go off whenever there smoke to keep you safe but a smoke detector doesn t know the difference between a fire or burnt toast so it s our job to identify what s making the alarm go off and how to manage it most of the time it just burnt toast even if you panic when the alarm first ring you soon realise it burnt toast though difficult anxiety sometimes just need u to take a second to identify the source and put it into perspective is it manageable what s the best way for me to approach it without avoiding it so yeah burnt toast,Depression +39445,hello i m having some trouble understanding my life rn i had a event that i would consider traumatic last year and i don t feel like i haven t been the same since i developed dissociation and depersonalization for a month i had trouble feeling like i and everything around me wa real i have self diagnosed depression and even then i could talk to my friend and have deep relationship with people now i don t feel talking to anyone and i have a hard time reaching out to my friend i have trouble concentrating and functioning a a student and i ignored basically all of my responsibility for the last two month for videogames i ve had episode where i have a lot of anger or i find it hard to breathe when i do something wrong and i ve also had a hard time sleeping i ve recently gone to therapy but i don t feel like it s helping my life feel like hell and my suicidal thought have been stronger,Depression +39446,please help i need to know if any of you have been on some type of medication for your anxiety and depression and if it s worth me giving it a shot i ve set the date and found the method of my suicide but i want to give life one last try before i pull the final curtain one reason i didn t want to go on medication is because i ve heard it just make you worse and you become too dependent on it in 0 0 my gp didn t want to medicate me after telling him i d made an attempt on my life instead he said to try therapy first which i did in 0 and whilst it wa interesting and i liked my therapist it didn t actually help me please let me know of your experience with being medicated for your depression and anxiety also if you could mention the drug they gave you that would be great thanks,Depression +39447,hello i have this issue that s been happening more and more frequently a of late starting off back in the office i wa extremely anxious but i found that when i got there i usually always got excited and talkative for about an hour after which i start crashing it feel a like i start sinking into emptiness i get self conscious my selfless esteem crumbles and i start feeling depressed this happens regularly and follows me back home i don t know what to do or how i can mitigate this any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you,Depression +39448,i m about to be and right after that i m going to graduate after i graduate i m moving back to america back to my hometown and away from my parent my parent won t even be that far away hour away in another city my whole life i ve known nothing but to be a kid obviously and i can t picture myself a anything but that i can t imagine myself a an adult and that terrifies me i m not ready to let go of being a kid i wa extremely fortunate to have a good upbringing and this being a kid teen thing is great i m not ready to grow up yet i m not ready to stop enjoying childish thing i m not ready to stop playing childish game there are part of being an adult i m excited for of course but i hate that i have to stop being a kid i m not ready to move on from that part of my life sometimes i m scared that maybe i didn t enjoy being a kid enough since i moved to a new country i dont have many friend here i never got up to typical highschool shenanigan with anyone but i see my close friend back in america getting to live a very normal highschool life and i feel like i ve missed everything being the oldest of my sibling sometimes a third parent i feel like i didn t get to be a kid all the time and that s more time wasted growing up you re constantly told enjoy being young while it last you re gon na regret wishing you were older never grow up and that s all actually really terrifying to say to a kid haha i guess to conclude i m afraid i haven t enjoyed being a kid enough and now i m not ready to be an adult,Depression +39449,hey friend i come asking question about workplace anxiety i m 9 and work retail i realize that this is a job with low stake and that whatever fear i have about making mistake are rather silly given the nature of the job however i ve worked myself up because i worked an event this evening and in my eye it wa just a series of unfortunate event first i show up early but still later than my coworker who i wa working with for the event he wa talking to our bos second i wa underdressed he looked so sharp granted i am 9 and he is almost a full decade older than me with the life experience to really comprehend dress code it wa rather unspecified and unclear so i m trying not to beat myself up too much about it i ran home super quickly and grabbed some nicer shoe and a jacket but it still wasn t great third my bos gave u her number to text or to call if we needed any help i texted her first and then she asked if i would call her because she wa on the road make sense but i feel i made a mistake texting her in the first place fourth fifth sixth and so on i worry that throughout the entire evening i wad screwing up and ended up losing the store a ton of money i m so upset about everything that happened and being liked by my bos that i wa cry and now i can t sleep please oh please i beg of y all how do i get over this it s making my day really difficult and i don t want this to follow me into the future when if i have a job much more demanding and serious if i mess up it s eating me up and i can t take it thanks,Depression +39450,weird phrasing for clarity post not being taken down seriously how do i cope there s a lot of trigger caused by individual everywhere including medium and online by the misinformation they spread it s gaslighting to constantly see and hear fake information that contradicts my experience a a survivor how do i cope with this i know if anything fall through i will receive false promise of aid to waste my time i know i will be told i m seeking attention i know i will be told that i m the abuser how do i cope with this a a survivor i will be posting this wherever i can because i guess some subreddits do not help with this for some reason,Depression +39451,for the last year or so i have suffered with extreme tiredness an shortness of breath i ve been to hospital and had every test going and found nothing it also doe not affect my cardio i go to the gym regularly if anything this help it however when i am resting i literally feel like i m about to pas out i then try to breath more and hyperventilate i have control of this now and use an oximeter to reassure myself but it s incredibly tiring feeling like this drinking also help it not a good way to cope i know obviously i m taking all medical precaution but if anyone ha experienced similar it would be reassuring thankyou for taking your time to read this,Depression +39452,i ve struggled with anxiety and depression since i wa a teenager i m now so it s been about 0 year of dealing with my silly little brain i first started taking zoloft back in maybe 0 maybe before then but i took the pill for several year last september i started noticing an increase of suicidal thought this can happen with ssri i believe i think the zoloft just stopped working for my brain and body so i stopped cold turkey i didn t have any major issue please don t comment the risk i know what they are and i m doing okay now for a few month i wa fine i could feel my feeling again feel my emotion and it wa kinda nice i felt almost free but after awhile i think all of the zoloft build up left my body sound weird but hear me out and i started feeling a bad a i did when i wa a teen health anxiety er trip panic attack daily so even though i do badly wanted to try to make it without medication i couldn t do it and that is okay for about month i ve been on lexapro and it s been helping the anxiety here s the revelation i had so i have only been on one other ssri in my life so i never realized this but holy fuck i finally understand what people mean when they say that medication almost completely numbs your emotion i can t remember the last time i cried and i usually cry a lot a an emotional person i feel very neutral i don t feel nothing but i don t feel the way i did unmedicated i think there will always be pro and con to medication but damn i finally after a decade understand what this medication doe it help but it also kinda turn you into an emotionless machine weird,Depression +39453,it s 09 am rn and it doesn t surprise me because i am used to this i have trouble sleeping because i always think about shit that ha gone wrong in my life and that is a lot i want to socialize have friend be funny i used to be when i wa back home with my friend i am learning in the u now but i always feel mute like i want to speak but i can t because i have a stomach feeling that shit is gon na go wrong so i just fake laugh and smile and it get awkward really fast and it becomes added to one of the thing that keep me up at night i also do weird stuff like smile weirdly curse under my breath or shake my hand or smth weird like that to distract from sudden flash of memory i have throughout my day and when i tell u it happens every damn day every damn minute or two i am not distracting myself in oh myyyy i just live everyday not wanting to wakeup wanting to die if course people around me don t know that i am just weirdly quiet to them anyway thought do i have anxiety,Depression +39454,i m year old i don t really want to get into it much so i ll just say that life is not good and hasn t really ever been that good and lately it feel like i ve finally been pushed over the edge a bit i look like i ve aged year in and my nerve are going crazy i feel so stressed out that i can feel my face getting hot and my hand shake whenever something raise my stress above the baseline even a little i never feel like i can relax anymore and i have a hard time talking to people this doesn t feel sudden it feel more like something that s been gradually getting worse for year but i used to be very composed and social i want to get help for this but i m honestly clueless i don t even know if i have anxiety or if it s something else i don t have a family doctor either i m just not sure what to expect i m open to medicine if it work how did everyone here begin to get help and what wa it that helped you,Depression +39455,before taking sertraline i had many problem for instance i wa not even able to talk on the phone in front of my mom and my brother it wa very tough to make a phone call because my heart would start beating very fast also if i saw someone i did not like my heart would beat out of my mouth at the supermarket while paying at the counter my heart would beat fast and i wa thinking everybody is staring at me and judging me but for four month i take sertraline and most of my problem are solved i feel like i am moving in the right direction i even cracked interview for my internship and finally got one before sertraline even thinking about an interview would trigger a load of anxiety now overall my anxiety ha reduced from 0 to or which is a significant improvement but one thing which is still bothering me is the feeling that everybody is staring at me when i eat at a restaurant for instance i feel like the person sitting at the front table is staring at me when i eat currently i am on a dose of mg sertraline to those who are on sertraline did you ever lose this feeling of other people judging you or are looking at you if yes which dose are you at i appreciate your help,Depression +39456,it s something i feel multiple time a day i get even more anxious when i don t get reply or when someone leaf and drive some place else i always have to check my parent cctv camera they gave me access to it i can t help but think something bad might happen i ve been like this since i wa a child my first memory of this fear wa when i wa around or year old and my grandparent drove to a place i considered far i wa so worried i had to ask my mom if they ll be safe do you experience the same thing how s it like for you how did you get over it if you ever did,Depression +39457,okay i am on the line of alcoholism and it s tickling my nerve a bunch knowing that i crave a drink and i feel the need to turn to alcohol to make myself seem whole here s my little run down im battling with depression a little suicidal anxiety and we a little lonely that s why im on reddit im sick of feeling like shit everyday all the insane irrational thought that go through my head once im on a certain bothering thought i get stuck on it for a while till i cave to drink so my idea to combat it is to start organizing my life more financially at home my priority my hobby all in all im aware that the whole you have to learn to love yourself theme is a big thing for people like me but at the moment i am just thinking of distracting myself with work school hobby people what if it s not enough my thought may start traveling again when i am doing those thing how do i combat those thought it s like i go in circle with question to an answer then question after answer it s mentally exhausting and it physically hurt at time i want to learn how to fight internal how doe one do that,Depression +39458,can someone please help me i ve been having anxiety for the past few week but now i have been waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing is their anyway to stop this please i need help,Depression +39459,im fucking tired of my anxiety it been with me for year and im tired of it i have to struggle with it every day now i know everything about anxiety i know that it pass and everything will be okay but man every fuckin day i suffer from it i never had this symptom till recently last month my anxiety is starting to get worse again sometimes when i look at people eye i get bad anxiety im not antisocial im not scared to talk to people but why i get anxiety randomly when i look at people eye,Depression +39460,since last night my stomach wa bloated and when i went to sleep my stomach felt queasy and i wa nauseous today my stomach still doesn t feel good and am still nauseous and it s hard to eat food not sure what this is is it a stomach flu anxiety,Depression +39461,i quit my job recently and need to get a new one because i m running out of saving i live in a foreign country so there aren t many option i ve been to some interview but i ended up not taking the job because i wa too anxious i looked for part time work but almost all of the job were shady in some way like not deducting tax etc and although most people don t care about it im too scared to break any rule so i couldn t take the easy part time job i m so tired of my anxiety stopping me from working,Depression +39462,hi i have been having anxiety for a while now and it crippling my life i have tried yoga meditation supplement walking cbd and still nothing ha helped i am wondering if i should try a medicine but i am afraid it going to take me further away from myself and change my personality and i wont ever feel like myself again can anyone share their experience thank you so much,Depression +39463,i suffer from symptom such a chest tightness and shortness of breath a well a acid reflux which i have been told is all from anxiety i started noticing a vibrating feeling in my chest and back sometimes when i breathe while lying down is this something serious i don t smoke or do any drug btw 0yr old male,Depression +39464,there are a million thing to stress about right now and a million and one if you count my study i need to be good enough at art to get into college by january next year i m pretty confident i ll get in if i keep going but i can t focus at all and instead think of everything going on in my life i can t afford therapy or counselling meditation doe nothing medication doesn t work with this mindfulness break music podcasts and the like are already being exercised thank you in advance,Depression +39465,i work a a consultant i m good at what i do and have been working at a great company for a while now i ve worked on numerous project with multiple client and have worked at the client side a couple of time a most consultant usually do every time i come back to the company office or go to a new client s side i get showered with overwhelming anxiety and stress i stress for week leading up to it but once i get there i m the life of the place but only for about an hour or two after which i genuinely feel depressed social battery it s the change of people and scenery too many new and old face too many thought they could be thinking of me or not thinking of me this happens every time without fail until i get used to a place which by that point i would have to move to another place client office how do you cope with such feeling do you ever get them do you have any technique or tip that might help thank you,Depression +39466,i don t know if this is the right place to write this but before quarantine 0 9 i just thought i wa an introvert and just a very organized and methodic person but then on quarantine i started to realize that i seem to get a lot more anxious than most people and always keep thinking about stuff that happened a second ago always think about what someone s thinking about me if i did or said something wrong always think about everything that can go wrong everywhere i go memorizing the menu a week before etc and i thought the problem for a big part of the anxiety wa online class and being stuck at home with my parent they re nice tho so when i finally got to go do an exchange semester abroad i get to be outside all the time i meet new people gt the freaking anxiety is still here and that make me think that nothing is gon na make it go away but i need it to go away cause i feel like i am an introvert but i make one wrong move i just go from quiet introvert to weird and lose all the people i met i mean met that s really the right word because i just can t seem to do the right thing i don t know some of my roommate that got here the same week a me go out every night with friend and i m just stuck at the same awkward convo phase and it s not like that i scared to talk to people or i don t like talking to people i do it s just when i come back home i start to rethink every single word that i said and blame myself for the smalled little mistake i m just really lost sometimes i think what i do how i think is normal but then it doesn t i didn t even know what anxiety wa until a year or so ago so,Depression +39467,so i recently started my first customer service job and wa doing well until it came to order taking i wa making order before at the register inside i m not great but okay but the register at the drive through i seem to have worse anxiety while talking with people i don t know and can t see for some reason and on top of that everything that happens at the drive through is broadcasted to anyone wearing a headset and on top of that my medication wa screwing me up any time i missed even one dose i wa waning off but having trouble with the final drop off and i wa on the verge of a breakdown all day and the drive through wa what pushed it too far and i had to leave early to get my medication my medication still aren t stable and i m having a very anxious episode that s been happening since i started getting off the medication far worse than it wa before how have you managed to cope with this anxiety and perform necessary work interaction with stranger repeatedly,Depression +39468,just weird and pretty sure i m sane lol,Depression +39469,im and ive had plantar wart for almost year and im worried that in my carelessness i might spread them to my dick in the shower i know that almost all of the strain that cause plantars are not one that infect the genitals but type is one that both disease share doom acrolling or something but im freaking out a bit reading about the treatment for those wart and how they can fuck up my dick reading about the risk if i dont take the treatment getting more depressed and angry at myself for not treating this issue sooner,Depression +39470,first i god a really bad case of covid and couldn t move or anything that lasted for 0 day then i got a surprise birthday party thrown at me by my best friend and family when i got home my best friend cheene my cat wa laying there gasping for air and dy a soon a he wa put on the table for the vet to examine him he wa my best friend so a few day go by and i got a heart attack and an infection in the heart and the bag that surround the heart now i got heart i am year old i newer though my anxiety could get any higher just venting currently lying in the hospital bed,Depression +39471,my adhd make it impossible to stop thinking about what s giving me anxiety i try to breath focus my mind off thing but instantly it come right back cause i can t control my mind most of the time i m not even thinking about anything that is anxiety inducing but in the back of my mind something is happening that won t let it stop anyone have experience with anxiety and adhd,Depression +39472,ha someone ever found their anxiety and depression to be directly related to some vitamin deficiency i wa thinking about what i could actually fix from my side without having to go see a psychologist etc and i realized that i m missing iron folic acid magnesium d and b it s been year but i can not take some of them because they severely hurt my stomach i wa think about having injection done by a naturopathic doctor ha anyone ever tried it if yes did it help,Depression +39473,should i ask my parent for a therapy session i m scared to ask my parent for therapy and i come seeking opinion on what i should do i m y o and these feeling have been killing me i m sure change in hormone have a part in this but i have been dealing with feeling of poor self worth since i wa i begin slightly shaking clinging and breathing heavily with excessive worry and fear almost daily now but i m worried my parent will say average teenage feeling and leave it at that i also don t want to waste money on something that might be just a phase and so i m asking for thought on this matter now for a little backstory my writing may be a little messy so i apologize in advance thinking back i ve had symptom of anxiety for a while now i wa yelled at a lot a a child for very trivial matter and still to this day ill get hour long lecture for thing that arent that big of a deal after a specific scolding when i wa around i believe that kickstarted thing i started playing what i saw and heard in my mind over and over again until i got night terror for some reason i can still recall this moment and it still scare me i became afraid of a certain speed like m p h a strange thing to be afraid of i know don t know if this is just some sort of trauma type thing or what but it wa always weird to me i start sweating and shaking whenever i think about anything with that specific speed and i don t know what that mean anyways fast forward to early 0 9 and my grandma passed away she wa the only one i truly felt attached to and trusted i have trust issue don t know why so her passing hit me hard a year later when covid started my dad cheated with my best friend s mom ending in a lot of self confidence issue and when my trust issue began showing my parent are still together they just argued and eventually got it worked out since i don t want everything to go downhill again i just bottled up everything and hid what i felt now to the present day this is why i find it so difficult to ask for a therapist i m afraid that my parent will just brush it off or be disappointed and think they did something wrong this hopefully doesn t give the wrong idea about my parent i believe they tried their best and to be honest didn t do a horrible job there were still good time i remember and they ve done a lot for me unfortunately i can t truly say i love you back without my parent telling me and that hurt i know people have it much worse than me and that s another reason that s holding me back from asking either way i m still heavily considering therapy and why i m asking you is it just a phase will i benefit from a professional am i being petty and should just deal with it i m not looking for a diagnosis but would love some thought on the matter and will try my best to answer any question if any thanks p s i hope this wasn t too long i tried to cram a much information a possible without it being accessive apology for any grammar mistake,Depression +39474,hi i m haven t had many female friend growing up now that i m in university and i m a part of a couple different club society we occasionally all go out and eat together i ve quickly realised that i ve been very anxious when eating food on a table with other woman there particularly the one i m meeting for the first time or the one i want to leave an impression on i have a bit of a short beard and one of my fear is that food will drip down and get stuck in my beard and those woman will notice it before i can clean it or it might just get stuck and they ll silently judge me for it and not tell me it s there i ve become great at conversation overtime from previously being very introverted and shy but asap food is served and everyone start eating i switch from being that casual fun guy to a scared and shy introvert who keep wiping his face after every bite of food he gulp down p s interestingly my fear isin t there when i m with guy or if i m with woman i m already close to would love to hear you guy opinion on how to tackle it and if you guy have faced any similar fear xx,Depression +39475,they can get so unbelievably scary i do everything i can to avoid it happening because people give me 0 sympathy about it sometimes i start shaking breathing heavily heart thumping hard and a raging headache people have made fun of me for when i shake i genuinely believe i will have a heart attack or honestly it s going to be in public where no one ha sympathy for me and they will be moreso threatened of me and they will take me out i just know it s coming,Depression +39476,i m on sertraline for anxiety while it ha lowered it it ha increased background anxiety even when i m going nothing it suck and it ha caused me to have a floppy noodle male when having sex which suck even more for me and her,Depression +39477,there s this guy that i like and i know he like me i ve never had a boyfriend before and i ve never had my first kiss so sex is a big step for me however he had a girlfriend of five year they were high school sweetheart they broke up two year ago because she left him for another girl she s pansexual he knew that she wa pansexual but still she left him they probably had lot of sex if they didn t have sex i d be extremely surprised i just feel so insecure that i m such a novice i m not going to be good at it and i feel bad that he is going to have to teach me so much stuff,Depression +39478,i really just need advice right now it s current am where i live and i ve yet to sleep i suffer from emetophobia the fear of throwing up if anyone need context my anxiety usually at night come forth it always wake me up but i wake up with panic attack because i feel nauseous similarly like tonight i m losing sleep because i feel nauseous despite me being so exhausted i m scared to sleep my stomach doesn t roll if i try to drink or eat something it doesn t go away i m on med too i just want some advice i m tired of losing sleep and worrying people because of physical anxiety and a phobia for more context i could eat a spoonful of something and it didn t make my stomach roll at all it sat fine there yet i feel nauseous and have slight pain right now it feel a if i m hungry but my anxiety is making me avoid that i don t know what to do i m very afraid right now,Depression +39479,some day i just have tiny panic attack for no reason is that common also i have very high social anxiety so it s very frickin hard to make friend and trust when your constantly thinking oh there talking about me when there not or when i want to really to them but i can t because there s like this thing holding me back and i get stressed just for being by people i have no friend and to top it all off i suffer from depression and suicidal thought,Depression +39480,recently i started dealing with a lot of stress which ha turned into me feeling panicked off and on throughout the day during my time of feeling panic i get this trouble with my breathing which feel incredibly terrible it is scary when it happens because it feel like i m breathless and like my breathing pattern mess up i wa wondering ha this happened to anyone else if so is it okay if i could ask a few question about it i d love to have some insight or more information on this situation,Depression +39481,i m m and i have been single my whole life because my anxiety around girl a a young kid up till now i have always had this anxiety towards girl i like and this fear ha stopped me from pursuing girl also i get anxious in crowd or party which i try to avoid at all cost when i go any place where there are a lot of girl like the gym i get really anxious if cute girl are around me i always hope none of them talk to me because i will get anxious and it may show it always feel like i m battling myself to look normal and not anxious to minimize my anxiety i avoid eye contact with any girl i would say i m a handsome guy and i have been told that all my life by several people i m also confident in myself for the most part i think but despite that i still have this anxiety towards girl and the thing is i know the way to cure this is to start talking to girl but the fear is too much for me it ha got to the point were i m starting to accept that i may be single for the rest of my life another thing is my parent always ask me if i m gay they always say how am i handsome and don t get girl i always tell them it because i have anxiety but they still don t understand this just needed to vent thanks for reading,Depression +39482,so ive been masturbating for a few year and i started saving video photo to my phone so it easier to get to i always keep them in the hidden section of my phone last night i forgot to hide them and i woke up and found them in the recently deleted section and other app i think she went through the latest notification wa hour before i woke up so i wa certain my phone wa turned on the photo themselves were just photo and video of girl i thought were really attractive they were over and would use to get off to now since they are in the recently deleted tab notification were only hour old and i had notification from before hour ago but before i went to sleep i had apps open which i never use and my phone wasnt in the spot i last had it so the title say i think because im just hoping it wa me in my sleep and i wa really tired since some photo were perfectly fine and she hasnt said anything about it yet so incase she actually saw the photo video can someone give me some advice on thing like what to say do when or if she brings it up,Depression +39483,i ve been on this for week and still barely have an appetite i even got nauseous going to the grocery store today is this normal ha anyone else experienced this it s been great for my mood and communication but it mess with my diet i don t even want to consume food really keep in mind though i did used to emotionally eat,Depression +39484,so i ve tried almost every ssri med except a few every single one i ve been on seems to give me horrible intrusive or suicidal thought i don t actually want to hurt myself but these thought are scaring me ha anyone else had this experience with ssri med,Depression +39485,sorry that it s kind of long and simple but i just felt the need to write something i don t know if it s because i m young or because i seem to have fun but no one belief me nobody listens when i say amp x 00b i can survive but can t seem to thrive i m barely even alive my every thought is fear and every day make it more clear that i m struggling to keep up no matter what i do it s never enough amp x 00b i ve tried speaking ignored i ve tried staying silent anxiety ha scored amp x 00b 0 i plan a ton i don t stop until everything s done but in the long run it matter none it s just yet another thing i do to try and stop the thought 0 amp x 00b so each day i plea to this anxiety that i don t get these type of thought the one strong enough to bring me to my knee and it never work 0 amp x 00b i try to open the door but it s like starting a war how i wish i could go back to before back to when i wa happy for sure 0 amp x 00b the replaying of every embarrassing moment that make me want to die inside even the smallest thing can send my brain into overdrive 0 amp x 00b feel free to contribute or give constructive criticism please i d love to see how we can all be struggling with the same thing and yet it affect u all in different way,Depression +39486,i have anxious attachment style and i have autism a well i m and i ve never had a relationship last more than month at this point i feel no one gon na understand or love me and i ll be alone forever do girl not like guy that are clingy and sensitive do i have to change,Depression +39487,i ve been on medication prescribed by my primary care doctor my therapist noticed my depression anxiety remaining pretty high and told me to talk to my doctor about it my doctor increased my dosage but also want me to see a psychiatrist who can better analyze my issue he didn t give me a referral and said i can see anyone you want preferably someone that take my insurance he did give a list of a few psychiatrist though i have been looking through my insurance s website for a psychiatrist i have also just been searching online but i don t know which one to select what criterion should i look out for are online review reliable any advice would be appreciated,Depression +39488,i m and i have bad anxiety debilitating i haven t been able to keep a job since i wa so pretty much ever i wake up early morning hour before i have to be my heart race i black out i puke cough my body shake i have so much fear of being in danger when i leave my house i have the feeling of when will i ever be back i fear that wherever i m working isn t safe i ll be shot i have no issue seeing friend for the most part i do like driving myself so if i need to leave i can i m not relying on anyone feeling like this ha made me loose my job due to me calling out i ruined every job i ve ever had because i call out too much i call out because i m throwing up so much that my body won t move i pee myself i push through the hard morning snd i puke on myself in my car on the way or while i m working and with covid i wa sent home a lot mix that with my call out and i m fired i understand i hate that i m like this i want to be where i work especially now i have my dream job i ve called out time and i just started i feel guilty all day and everyday until i work day and get passed it then it happens again i ve been diagnosed with gad and ptsd but my doctor don t believe in giving me anything most patient would get for these thing i see they are looking out but i m now no car to myself no saving can t have a healthy romantic relationship can t keep a job and most important making me not like myself whatsoever i m letting myself and others down i feel so toxic to my family and friend they say i burn them out with my anxiety snd bad habit im exhausted too please any advice please i just need someone out there to maybe say they know and understand and that they got through this peace love,Depression +39489,i am finally going to make an appointment monday to talk to a doctor about my anxiety but i already have so much anxiety about even calling to make the appointment i m tired of feeling like not only my mind but my entire body is on edge just waiting for something to happen yet i know my blood pressure will be high and my pulse will skyrocket when i talk to the nurse doctor and i m dreading it any tip on helping anxiety about talking to a doctor about medicine for anxiety i also don t want them to think that i m just wanting drug or am being dramatic i have tried to manage it myself for the past few month but i feel no better,Depression +39490,it s so hard for me to say no to people or refuse when they ask me to do something because i m scared they ll dislike me or stop being my friend i feel like such a pushover,Depression +39491,feeling so shitty about myself everyone my age ha already got their life together while me i still dont have shit no driving license not a part of any community no friend i can count on nothing i m completely alone in my own world i ve been wasting too much time throughout my whole life concerning too much about my academic yet still dumb and incapable of anything me and my stupid anxiety will get me nowhere in life i cant even make friend i got this feeling that nobody want to be my friend why would they i cant even talk to anyone without being anxious cant tell anyone about myself because i believe nobody care and i will just waste their time there no future in me im shitty and totally worthless,Depression +39492,i happened to notice his sudden halt of breathing and checked he s had serious medical problem since birth i ve had a worse sleep schedule than him anxiety so i keep getting a voice in my head telling me he s stop breathing or dying right now so i constantly go check him and it s stressful when i m very anxious and it s another layer of stress,Depression +39493,so i been dealing with non stop generalized anxiety since december 0 9 i have had anxiety in the past but it would only last maybe max month and then i would revert to my old self now i am totally fucked and going on for year of constant anxiety i am constantly dizzy i constantly ob over my health last year i convinced myself i had a brain tumor and i had to beg the doctor for an mri and after an entire year of begging he finally gave it to me and it wa a unnecessary a everyone told me i constant detach disassociate and the only thing that help me chill the fuck out is closing my eye and being in my room sometimes i m on antidepressant like everyone else but i feel lichi le they re just doing half the work it s obvious that the other half of unfucking my brain ha to be done be me anyways i hope everyone is doing well,Depression +39494,how do i get past this i don t have panic attack i m diagnosed with bpd and never considered anxiety to be it own issue just a component of my bpd but i think my anxiety independent of bpd need it own attention i m scared to seek help i m scared a therapist who specializes in anxiety will stigmatize me for having bpd and tell me that s just your bpd i m anxious my bos won t give me time off work for therapy i m anxious i ll need anxiety med and it ll impair my function,Depression +39495,i smoked for the first time in month and now i m freaking out and idk what to do edit i m all good now blocked out the stress for a little bit now getting food with the boy,Depression +39496,so because of my anxiety i have this big fear of being alone i m afraid that i will lose my mind and hurt myself or something i constantly surround myself with people and when my partner leaf town i have family stay with me i feel like this is kind of becoming a problem because i m never facing my anxiety alone so when i m alone driving or doing anything else alone i panic,Depression +39497,this is nothing new for me and it doesn t really have a chance to come out now because i ve been out of school for about four year and i don t really go out in public much at all but from elementary school to high school i think it even happened when i wa attempting college too when walking down stair my leg would get so stiff that it wa impossible to walk down the stair properly and i wa always scared that everyone could see how my leg were bugging out like that and it made me even more anxious even if no one wa in the stairwell with me or even just one other person it would happen one time i got a friend he wa and i m to carry me down the stair because my leg were just not having it also all my life i have day where i felt like i wa just floaty and floating outside of my body i also felt like whenever i felt this way something bad would happen to me or someone else this feeling last all day and maybe even until the next day i don t know what this is i know other people have this too so could you tell me what it is also also several time a day i ll get really nervous and my heart will feel like it jumped and i ll have a scared feeling for a few second today i even had a weird small pain in my stomach that went a long with it but went away some second after my heart jumped and the scared feeling went away the tummy pain ha never happened before also also also i sometimes wake up feeling really nervous and scared even though nothing ha happened sorry for this really long post i tried to space it out so it would be a le intimidating big wall of text,Depression +39498,hi there i am someone who suffers from health anxiety in the past month it started the day after two terrible thing happened to me my dog who i wa very close with passed away and i found out that i tested positive for covid so quite the shellshock to say the least the night after that i had a panic attack which really scared me since i had never previously had one that night i wa in the hospital for a few hour and aside from the fact i had covid the doctor told me i wa completely fine after that night i would go on to get a blood test and visit the doctor multiple time needle to say that everything came back fine nothing bad wa found in my blood and despite having multiple odd feeling the doctor said i wa fine and basically confirmed i wa suffering from a form of health anxiety meaning i would feel like something is wrong with me but in reality i wa just fine around the fourth visit he recommended i see a counselor and suggested getting a neurologist exam to remove all fear i have been seeing a counselor for a few week now and the earliest neurologist meeting is in may a for my physical symptom i currently have a pin and needle feeling in the back of my head and my neck ha been feeling a bit stiff over the course of the last month i ve had other feeling such a pin in my left hand rough skin emphasized feeling in all sort of part in my body and other feeling i probably forgot about i m posting here because it seems like a welcoming community and i want to share my experience with others who have suffered similarly and hopefully get some reassurance for my self from others i just need an outlet to cope to because i hate constantly bother others i live with for reassurance either way thank you for reading and for those out there that are suffering just know that you re not alone and you will all live long happy healthy and successful life and your pain will soon pas god bless you all p for those wondering yes i got over covid,Depression +39499,not sure if this is the right sub to post but wasn t sure where to go really i wouldn t say that i feel anxious but i m what people call a worry wart if there s something i can worry about even if it s maybe very small i will still worry about it i m worried about multiple thing currently my dog leg that s hurting a pain i have in my lower jaw finding a new job etc i will have thought about these sort of thing and on the surface they don t seem like much but then i start to think about them more and more and i start to worry even more until i start getting scared of panicking sometimes like i have had this pain in my jaw for a few day now i m assuming it s because i haven t worn my retainer for the full time i m supposed to the past few night my mind think that but i also start worrying it might be another cavity and i ll have to go to the dentist which is the worst thing for me but then i think hang on i ve gone to them for similar stuff like this before and it wasn t a cavity but what if it is this time you see the problem i m having even though i ll try and think about it logically my brain always make up some sort of way to worry about stuff that might not even need that much thought this is half a rant and half me looking for advice i worry so much in my life and i hate it i know i won t stop worrying but can anyone give me some advice to maybe worry le,Depression +39500,so ive came to the conclusion that i actually have anxiety and imsonia have all the sympthons for anxiety and i cant sleep for shit im can be dead tired and i go lay down and 0 min later im still up ive spent plenty of night up for hour trying to sleep ive had a few night where im asleep but i feel half awake ill be sleep but i feel like im still awake ive been avoiding seeing a doctor because my family is pretty judgemental but i really feel like i need sometype of help it getting in the way of my life i cant sleep the lack of sleep ha me weak it making my work life hell because im fatigue then my anxiety always me over thinking and feelomg weird in when im in social setting,Depression +39501,i wish there wa a reddit thing for friendship breakup but since november 0 i ve been repeatedly crushed by a now ex best friend who i never wanted to let go of it s my fatal flaw forgiving ppl who don t deserve it i always get bitten in the as and never learn from it the manipulative people in my life have torn my down over and over and bc i m literally a fucking doormat i don t want to explain everything with this specific friend but part of what keep hurting me is that i see picture and am reminded of good memory we ve had and all of a sudden i miss them or i ll see picture from when i wa happy and i m brought to tear over the fact that i m convinced it s all my fault i wish i could delete my social medium and throw my phone into another galaxy but sometimes thing like snapchat and tik tok make me happy so then i don t do that why am i like this why do people walk away from me so easily why do i let those people in just for them to walk out again,Depression +39502,idk if it wa selective mutism or not i never got a diagnosis wasn t even suggested to get tested for it partially bc i don t think people understood how serious and debilitating it wa but i used to have severe anxiety around certain people mainly teacher or subject talking about myself or asking for help were big one for me to the point where i literally couldn t speak like people don t really seem to get it when i say this because it s one thing being shy or nervous to speak for me i know how that feel like if i m just nervous i just feel very uncomfortable this wasn t that when talking about certain subject or talking to certain people i would have this very uncomfortable and sometimes very painful physical symptom where i don t know how else to describe it other than it felt like someone wa stepping on my throat like my throat wa closed shut tight i found it hard to breathe not in a hyperventilating kind of way more like in a i m choking right now please help me way i would start hyperventilating if i wa forced to speak for whatever reason trying to force myself to speak would make me lose air lightheaded and i would start breathing hard trying to take in more air since i wa literally choking on nothing basically or worse i d quickly break into an anxiety attack and start cry if i kept trying to force the problem even harder to breathe i felt faint close to passing out so many time then it wa not even funny i m not looking for a diagnosis i wa just wondering if anyone can relate idk,Depression +39503,sometimes when i start to fall asleep it s like i get trapped in my dream and can not wake up the dream are usually a very uncomfortable or weird situation sometimes even terrifying i normally feel dizzy and disoriented in the dream once im finally able to wake up im out of breath and panicking im not sure what to make of these event but it mess with my sleep when it occurs i can t fall asleep for a while until i calm my brain down,Depression +39504,i m worrying about having schizophrenia psychosis every day it s gotten to the point where i can t do normal stuff without thinking about my sanity whenever i talk to someone i always over analyze conversation i feel like people don t like me or make fun of me and it make me question my sanity too i do overthink my own behavior a well i always feel like i m behaving like a crazy person and people just don t want to tell me im crazy which make me think im delusional and the cycle go on with almost everything hell i even feel like a crazy person writing this post i d been to psychiatrist before and he told me i have ocd and anxiety but i just can t believe it i don t feel like a normal person and i m tired of this am i really going crazy if not then what the hell am i supposed to do to stop this if u find my text confusing then sorry english is my second language and i m still learning,Depression +39505,i ve been eating the same food every meal for month now bc everything else make me want to throw up and cry this is pretty normal for me so i never thought to bring it up with my psychiatrist and recently i ve been able to eat other food a well but when i sat at the table this morning i found everything repulsive even my go to food this usually only happens when my anxiety is really bad but i feel pretty ok rn so i don t know why i can t eat is this common with anxiety disorder,Depression +39506,tw somewhat mention of blood and scarring idk if this is linked to anxiety or whatnot but i constantly find myself picking at my lip and finger especially when i get really anxious i hate how it s left my lip scarred and bloody but i just can t seem to stop i ve tried putting chapstick on to prevent peeling so i wouldn t pick but it never lasted more than a couple week also my finger look pretty bad when i wa younger i would rip the white part of my fingernail off but now i just rip the surrounding skin until they bleed and scab i mean everytime i feel anxious and nervous i keep my hand together and in front of me which eventually lead to me picking at my finger i already have pretty bad social anxiety so the thought of people being able to see my awful hand and lip make me feel worse man something is really wrong with me tbh,Depression +39507,like i can t even focus on anything my mind is always racing overthinking and obsessing this is especially annoying right now because i have my final exam coming up real soon and i need to work but i can t concentrate i hate the way i act around people i am so awkward i don t even speak just awkwardly nod whenever someone talk to me and whenever i do talk some dumb shit come out of my mouth it seems like i have started to isolate myself more and more from people and i am always moody people have started to catch on saying that i always look sad tired among other not very nice thing whenever someone asks me if i am okay i just lie and say yes nod my head awkwardly or make up some excuse i wish i could tell someone about my problem in depth but really i don t know what i would say and honestly no one would actually care and i don t blame them everyone ha their own shit going on and i don t want to bother anyone with my problem my own mother ha started to catch on to my moodiness and she ha started to yell at me and everything cause of the way i am acting i don t even think i am doing anything wrong i m just not talking and i want to be left alone i wish i could tell her but again i don t know what i would say i don t know how she would take it and i don t want to stress her out anxiety really suck i hate using these thing a an excuse cause i just want to get on with my life like everyone else,Depression +39508,ok going to start with i had originally posted this on a different account but i don t really want this to be traced back to me from anyone i may potentially know who may stumble upon that other account there s way too much that i could say so i will just say a few thing i think i ve been suffering from anxiety for a long time and it s pretty crippling to my social interaction and the choice i make i miss out on a lot of stuff because of it and tend to have self destructive behavior when i make friend i have this problem where i feel like oversharing because someone is actually listening to me but due to some thing lately i ve started putting up more wall i joke around a lot and tease to distract from people actually knowing me because i think that people knowing me is really scary i ve been closing my circle and any time i speak to people i m just overwhelmingly anxious i fear that i ll say something that will make people start disliking me or finding me annoying i work at a customer service place and i get really anxious when customer start asking question i don t know the answer to or get even remotely frustrated with me i also get really anxious when a bigger group of customer come in and it just feel really embarrassing i have a really hard time with phone call too it really stress me out when i have to call someone or talk to like authority figure on the phone i wish i could be able to fix it and make it easier to leave my house or message people etc i just want to be able to exist without being afraid you know,Depression +39509,i know for a fact i have an anxiety disorder i ve been diagnosed i ve been taking med for it for year now but a of recent thing feel like they re getting worse the more i find way to manage it the more it feel like my body throw a new curveball at me i also have been wondering about adhd which i display a lot of symptom of and have been looking into getting a diagnosis for that i have chronic pain and fatigue been dealing with it since i wa and i m 9 now so it s mostly manageable but i feel like since i conquered that and know how to avoid flare ups and treat them my body is coming up with new way to torment me now i ve found that whenever i get really stressed or anxious i itch and not just a normal run of the mill itch it s an insatiable deep crawling sensation that is impossible to ignore i get it the worst on my foot i scratch and scratch and scratch and it never get better and when it s really bad i m left with cut and scrape from scratching so much it s so emotionally and physically painful it hurt so badly because i know it s not real and that my brain is doing this to me but i still feel it and it won t go away i m literally having a breakdown right now because of it i m making this post because i just need to scream into the void and i want to know if anybody else deal with this if you do you re not alone i just don t know how to make it better i hate this feeling so much this all started btw because i couldn t figure out a chest harness for myself i don t know how to make it stop and it s driving me nut,Depression +39510,about the fact that you need to put your sex life at risk temporarily or sometimes permanently r pssd in order to feel mentally stable i hope one day they can make an antidepressant for anxiety and depression that doe not cause sexual side effect it would be a true life saver for me it suck when you value both that you need to really outweigh the pro and con tldr buspar suck,Depression +39511,i m talking to my psych on monday and i want to do some research into what might work for me i have frequent mild panic attack infrequent but still kind of like once a week once every week severe panic attack and constant anxiety i ve tried a bunch of anxiety med but haven t really found any that worked for me however i haven t tried any in year so there s a chance i ve grown a i wa about during most of my trial and it s been a good year since then so what are were your favorite thanks,Depression +39512,my anxiety ha recently gotten so bad that it consumes me at time i m not able to stop shaking my blood pressure is suffering from it and thought of impending doom are constant it s hard for me to focus on anything i got back from the doctor for anxiety a couple day ago and my bp wa 0 90 i got my bp checked yesterday and a i did i started panicking and my bp shot up 0 something i had to calm myself down and luckily it went back down to around i have to go get it checked again today and i know i m gon na panic again i hate living like this i feel like i m suffering i need someone to help me through this who get it i need to know that it s just gon na be okay and that i still have a chance in life,Depression +39513,your brain is lying to you you matter your best is good enough even on the bad day you are amazing you have so much to offer this world,Depression +39514,i haven t really worked a stable job in a while and now i ve got two of them i ll be starting both this week and i just have the jitter i wa a different person year ago so i didn t get a nervous but now i m feeling overwhelmed because i for one i don t socialize with people ever and i havent been truly employed for such a long time the job aren t hard job but it s a real establishment and a bos and co worker and i m just nervous i don t want to mess up because i need these job if i want to move out i just want everything to go right,Depression +39515,im going to university with this childhood friend of mine the thing is i don t know how to socialize any further than just a small talk that lead no where and i never know what to talk about even with them and they present me people that are nice but i just don t feel comfortable with them i try to talk to the people in my classroom in the different class but never go any further than that every time i talk to someone i feel like i m annoying them or that my mere pressense irritates them i don t know what to do to expand my social group to people i have common interest in both in hobby and in the career i m at,Depression +39516,hey so i feel cringe posting this and will likely delete but sometimes just venting and writing thing out is rlly calming and therapeutic this is my first post here but i ve lurked for a few year now and always read other people s story when im feeling down and alone which help sometimes background before getting into this i have gad and major depressive disorder and have been on ssri since 0 my dad side of the family all tend to have the same issue just on a way le of a scale i am awful at articulating my thought and it s insanely frustrating just a head up before getting into the incoherent vent post i m just gon na be listing a bunch of different thing that have been bothering me i am soon to be i am absolutely petrified of turning 0 and i have 0 accomplishment in life i still live with my parent i work a shitty job paying hr i have 0 motivation or drive to want to pursue anything like a better job meeting new people getting into a relationship etc i sit in my dark dimly lit room all day and play game watch twitch stream all of my friend are moving on and having kid and getting their own place and embracing adulthood with open arm i seem to be the only one that is incapable of making this transition i want to be a kid again i want the simpler time i hate responsibility and expectation i m immature and dumb and don t want to grow up i have a shitty jealous easily angered petty personality that i wa also blessed enough to obtain from my dad side of the family i have never met someone with a personality a petty and insecure a mine ex so i have this friend that applied for a government job that would be really good for her and she d be making good money this is obviously a great thing and i m happy for her but i would be lying if i said i wasn t kinda hoping she got turned down we both currently work shitty job and suffer the same money work struggle i think i just don t want to be left behind and feel like i m alone in my struggle i feel so shitty that i m even thinking this way i also have an ego that i rlly shouldn t have considering im an ugly short bald year old that peaked in highschool idk if it s undiagnosed narcissism or what but i know something is wrong because of this i am most of the time an awful friend i ve gotten better over the year because i gained some self awareness before though i would burn a lot of bridge i wa getting into argument with irl friend and internet friend weekly man i used to be such a bully to my little brother growing up too and i cringe every time i think about it im incredibly grateful every day that i wa able to gain self awareness and a want to change i have anxiety attack and sink into deep hole of depression when faced with the realization i have to work a 9 0 hour work week cuckjob for another 0 year i used to watch twitch stream a an escape but now i can t even do that anymore without having an anxiety attack that i ll never get to live the easy luxurious life that they do wake up whenever they want go to work whenever they want do w e they want for hour and then log off and go do fuck all they can take off whenever they want without the worry of being fired all while making more in year than i will ever make in lifetime of busting my as i understand i m describing like the top of twitch streamer but still i have really awful self esteem and have had for a long a i could remember i used to hate getting picture taken a a kid and would constantly try to hide my face it became a running gag in my friend group that i would never take picture it wa to a point where i wa having anxiety attack just seeing picture of myself there are time when i start to feel better about my appearance but then ill see a picture of myself and immediately get reminded that i m fuckin nosferatu i genuinely think i m incredibly below average and if it wasn t for the fact that i am addicted to working out i might just be the most undesirable man on the planet i would put myself in bottom 0th percentile in look i do think i have some degree of body dysmorphia and it s especially bad right now because im in a panic y state so i am probably overreacting a little about my appearance i ve always had some social anxiety growing up but it wa maintainable and didn t rlly stop me from doing most thing i wanted to do but there wa an incident in 0 that just made it skyrocket and it ha been progressively getting worse since quite frankly i think i am just doomed to suffer i genuinely do not see a happy ending future for me i am a walking abomination of every negative character trait imaginable that doesn t deserve to have good friend i don t even want to have kid because idk for certain if i just won t day get tired of it all and shoot my shot if u will i wouldn t want to have kid growing up without their dad i also don t want to potentially pas down to them the shitty mental health gene that i have and have them go through everything i have mentally bc it suck and i would want a better life for them honestly there s so much more fucking shit that i could complain about regarding myself but this is already long enough don t feel obligated to respond to this i ve already started to feel a little better just from typing it this is the th night in a row i ll be up till am bc anxiety attack keeping me from falling asleep oh yeah and reminder that this is all while still taking ssri s i do not want to imagine what my mental state would be without them tl dr money work growing up age look self esteem personality social anxiety it s all freakin shit and make me depressed and anxious,Depression +39517,went in for problem i won t disclose had blood drawn and they had it sent in my symptom just keep getting worse and it s making me fear getting the dreaded cancer call back i m making it worse for myself by googling symptom after symptom illness after illness treatment after treatment and it s filling me with more dread i can t stop shaking i can t sleep i don t know what to do this is the worst attack i ve had in a long time and all i want is to go back day to before my symptom appeared so i can feel normal again and not have to fear the worst i don t know what else to say i m just so scared of what might be and i m just psyching myself out and making it worse i wouldn t be surprised if my symptom are getting worse because of the anxiety i want my doctor to see me on the weekend and i want to be comforted i don t want to die i don t want to go through treatment i m afraid of medication i m just so fucking scared right now and i just want it all to calm down i m afraid to call people i m afraid to wake up family but i don t know where to go or what to do,Depression +39518,hi everyone in the past few year that i have been living alone a a student i noticed myself falling into period of time where i would not leave the house alone it s not a if i don t enjoy going outside i live in vancouver and there are some truly beautiful day here where the sunlight make this city breathtaking my issue isn t a fear of going outside it s more of a fear of the people i ll encounter and how they may judge me i ve always struggled with depression and low self esteem i ve always felt nervous about other people looking at me i avoid leaving the house alone unless it s necessary and when i do it s usually at night i ve even had point in the past where i ve drunk alcohol to make myself feel le nervous about leaving the apartment for grocery i usually don t make eye contact when i m alone outside and keep my eye focused ahead or on the ground why do other people scare me so much when i m on my own i can leave if i m with friend but on my own i always get nervous and procrastinate until nighttime when fewer people are out i think i just feel safer inside because other people aren t there to see me or place judgment i m fortunate enough that my current bos allows me to work from home so unless i need to leave the house i usually won t i even try to get most of my grocery via amazon so i can minimize the chance of going outside i feel like i want to hide in here and not think about anything i don t even want to look at myself i wa wondering if there are other people who feel this way too is there a name for what i m experiencing am i just lazy i just want to know how to feel better,Depression +39519,title i am currently looking at getting onto med for my anxiety and am exploring option for telehealth my goal is to get on them a soon a possible along with going to a therapist to engage in cbt doe anyone here have suggestion for solid telehealth platform ideally i would not have to wait that long to see a doctor so that i can receive med in a timely manner and i do not have to pay an arm and a leg for the appointment with that being said i am ok with spending a little extra if it mean that i am able to get into an appointment quicker i have been looking at cerebral hims and other various telehealth service which i can not remember at this moment doe anyone have suggestion on one that can provide timely service i am ok with paying money for a monthly appointment if it mean that i can get med but ideally i would get on med a soon a possible and then go to an irl mental health counselor and get med from them thanks,Depression +39520,last year i had a mental breakdown in my very first apartment i got way too overwhelmed and i panicked the anxiety episode lasted month and i couldnt function well today i made it through the night my first day back no anxiety or anything,Depression +39521,i suddenly feel uneasy and uncomfortable at my relative house i feel like my heart is gon na explode and wan na puke i m close with my relative but i don t know why i m feeling this way it rarely happens there s this one time i m feeling uneasy and uncomfortable then i just started shaking for no reason while i m talking to my relative,Depression +39522,every time i talk to somebody outside of my house and can relate to somebody or have thing in common with people i just want to curl up and cry almost every time i meet somebody irl i freak out and say i never want to see them again and if i don t do that i act distant the next time i see them i only have online friend and having friend making friend irl is scary i m and a half and everyone say thing like your going to be getting a job soon but if i cant even make friend how am i suppose to get a job,Depression +39523,hi everyone so i went to go see the batman at the movie today with my parent and i know this is probably really common but i feel so overstimulated at the movie thing are too loud and the room get too dark i can t see anything and it freak me out i get sensory issue when this happens man i wanted to see the batman really bad and it upset me because i can t enjoy it a much tried to do deep breathing muscle relaxation the sensory overload is just too much this happens for stuff outside of the movie just thing that are too loud too bright too dark anyone know how to get past this,Depression +39524,i ve always been scared if the dark it something i can t explain i know there s something there not trying to sound crazy lol everytime i put my phone down to sleep i just get crazy anxiety and start seeing thing sometimes i m going to wake up at pm tomorrow at this rate,Depression +39525,so this may be odd but ha anyone s sense of smell been really weird while on buspar maybe it s unrelated but i just get random smell sometimes and feel like my spence of smell is heightened,Depression +39526,add as ptsd and general anxiety ive been on medication for my add a long a i can remember but after a let call it a mental breakdown i had a few week ago and spend the week after on xanax i am finally on anti depressant after saying no for over year they re supposed to help with my anxiety after a trauma i recently went through and it s helping my anxiety yes but it s scary af cause it a if i m on a tiny bit of party drug and everything seems fine even when i notice it isn t when there is an issue or a problem i used to see 9 bad thing happen all at once and felt the need to prepare myself for all of those 9 but now i can sort of calmy ass the issue and find a solution without the 9 possible scenario taking over my emotion and cognitive skill neurologically speaking i fully understand what the drug are doing to my brain scary and anxiety like thought get filtered now but who decides what to actually filter what if i m driving again and i see someone walking in front of my car and it s filtered not a danger very black and white question idk how else to make it clear anyway i wrote a poem about it hope there s someone out there understanding my question cause my therapist definitely doesn t and my shrink is on holiday it s weird not noticing what s changing in my brain but to know something is probably for the better but what if i don t like this person this new brain and way of thinking so many what ifs still even on this tiny pill that s changing me into something someone i m scared of even meeting but can never run from,Depression +39527,stress i love it like it bliss stress is so fun not but it want to give a kiss that s no lie stress can fry your mind up and that shit can piss but i still try to deal with all the pain and misery it give stress stress oh yes in this world it life rat race or cop chase stress can help or it can make you feel like crap and that isn t cap but stress can make you lose your mind or put mind in a trap,Depression +39528,hello everyone i am currently on a trip for spring break college senior with friend and really struggling first a little background though i am now but have struggled with anxiety on and off my entire life it started with separation anxiety probably not being okay going to daycare or anything of the sort even with my older brother just because i couldn t stand being away from my parent i also would get hysterical if they left for a trip etc i also would be frantic and cry at the end of the school day in elementary school because i worried my parent wouldn t be there to pick me up a i got older this morphed into more health anxiety i also faint around needle so i have a big fear of fainting and then into panic disorder in high school diagnosed by my therapist i have seen a number of therapist off and on but never gone on any medication for anxiety my parent are super supportive of therapy but have always been more skeptical of med for mental health i also had a really hard time going to college even though it wa only an hour away because i got majorly homesick and struggled with adjustment disorder i eventually did adjust and now totally love my school but it took me a solid semester to overcome by homesickness fast forward to present i have noticed i get really nervous for trip that are somewhere unfamiliar to me and where i don t have one of my safe people with me my parent or my boyfriend i have amazing friend who are caring and supportive but for some reason they don t fall into my safe category like my parent or boyfriend do also just a sidenote but i had a generally happy childhood and have a great relationship with my parent for whatever relevance that may have i have huge anxiety leading up to trip and then also when i arrive and it tends to be crippling if i don t have a safe person there right now i am in mexico for day on spring break with three of my friend and i feel tremendously awful and sad like not necessarily panicky but just really deeply sad and like i want nothing more than to go home and hug my loved one i am trying to do more research and it seems like this could be a separation anxiety type issue in place where i feel comfortable hometown college town etc i am totally happy doing thing alone being independent of my safe people so it isn t an all the time thing but it is making travel really not fun for me and i honestly just want nothing more than to go home any advice would be great i am currently in therapy cbt general talk therapy mashup and will be bringing this up with my therapist but i would really love any and all suggestion for both tackling this immediately and trying to enjoy my trip and for way to think about this when i talk with my therapist i know this is a bit rambling so sorry and thank you,Depression +39529,the title is exactly what i feel ive been kind of distant i m quieter respond shorter and get more irritated internally each day go by and i think all of this will be gone soon normally i d try to do a much a i can but that thought scare me so much everything feel so fast and slow at the same time i hate when people mention how fast season change and thing like i can t believe it s already been a year it so scary ive been overwhelmed by that fact that whenever i get upset at my friend or family the guilt i feel afterwards is so intense it feel like i ve grown so many fear that when i go outside i m constantly worried about thing what if my mom run into trouble during work while i m gone what if i get shot in school while all my family is gone what if my sister get kidnapped even in school i m thinking about it the thought are so scary,Depression +39530,i wa picking up dinner and when i went to close the door i hit my head i m sure i m fine but now my anxiety went to 00 and i m thinking of internal bleeding and all this stuff and idk if my anxiety is causing this small headache i have now or not,Depression +39531,hi i think i m okay but wanted to check in i wa cleaning some shelf at work and washed my hand and went out for a smoke had a stomach ache but i could just be hungry didn t eat much besides some cereal and chip and it s evening time lol my mind being overactive again maybe i wa worried about residue i guess lol,Depression +39532,hey i don t want anyone to feel too down but any advice might help so for the past few day week scarily maybe a couple of month i haven t felt real and it s starting to scare me i ve struggled with anxiety for a while and i ve had it happen for a couple of day in the past but this time it feel different it s the physical embodiment of is this all there is like i m self aware yet everything is hazy and forgettable i thought it would go away when i came home from uni but it hasn t i just came back from a family dinner where i couldn t stop being frustrated with how i couldn t just be there mentally immerse myself i tried appreciation of the little thing and when i try i know i should feel something but it just apathy it s like it is what it is but a bit more pessimistic hopeless maybe hopeless is too strong a word i don t plan on giving up in my lifetime but it just make me overwhelmed that this ha been going on for a while and i don t know how to make life feel real again it might be derealization but it feel weirder more self aware than that if anyone ha gone through this before and ha tip to speed up the process i d be so so grateful,Depression +39533,hello friend i had a very rough night my period is in a day and during my pm i always have more anxiety and emotion than usual right now though i am going through a relapse of my gad and pa last night wa one of the most challenging night of my anxiety day i literally felt like the entire night wa a big long not ending panic attack session i had moment where i had the full blown panic attack but in between the anxiety wa constant in and out of sleep i wa a mess i wa convinced that this time i lost my mind i need to call an ambulance and put in a mental health hospital it wa too much absolutely out of hand and now i am exhausted anxious dp dr is here and hoping it will all get better once i get my period i am on therapy 0mg sertraline and trying to meditate but last night wa hard something i haven t experienced before and i am feeling so defeated and scared that this is it that s how i ll lost my mind,Depression +39534,hi i m just wondering if anyone is having the same issue and tip to cope i ve been in night club twice over the past couple of month both after i ve had a few drink with friend on both occasion i ve had to leave early because i get anxious about the number of people around resulting in a panic attack i never used to be like this before covid and i m generally ok in crowd sober anyone got any tip to cope,Depression +39535,how i love employer and how they love me too but most of these employer deserve a fucking sue and some fucker fuck with me they should never fuck with me and yes the last place i worked at it wa not a cup of tea living here is so stressful anyone can fucking see and the stress doe fucking suck you know it is not stress free and all i have is one damn buck that s why i might have to flee drive in a van or a damn truck and hope the stress will leave me be,Depression +39536,my dad call me immature when i have anxiety attack he swears and scream at my mom point at me and hovers over me when he yell and threatens to beat me if i don t somehow cure my mental illness i needed real help for a real problem and he sent me to a pseudoscientific hypnotherapist just because his friend went there i need help that doesn t make me a baby,Depression +39537,i just learned about appendicitis and i m freaking out the thought of my appendix bursting randomly make me desperately want to crawl out of my body i ve seen too many thing in my life that have made me so afraid and worried about the pain that come with death i used to pursue forensic science until it wa too much for my anxiety we had to watch people get killed in order to learn how to recreate the event of a crime scene i m a healthy year old yet i fear and think about death every single day of my life specifically the pain associated with it doe anyone else have this fear or know any trick to cope with it,Depression +39538,i m sick of hearing these are your best year and it only get worse i m year old i m in highschool and every adult in my life insists that it doesn t get any better than this i m told that a i get older get a job a house debt more responsibility i ll only get more stressed school alone coupled with my anxiety is enough to make getting through a single day a struggle i m fortunate enough to have a very good home life my greatest struggle ha been and continues to be with myself i m afraid that once i move on to life past highschool and i no longer have a strong support system i will collapse in on myself if you struggled with mental health in highschool when you were younger ha life a an adult improved for you doe it get any easier,Depression +39539,so had a really bad few week with my anxiety my doctor decided to put me on citalopram and now i ve barely eaten and drank for day which ha made this experience so much worse so i ve decided to stop taking them and stick to my propranolol i m going to create new healthy routine for my day to day life drink more water maybe a new hobby i ve also ordered new book one on how to heal from narcissistic abuse route of my anxiety from a parent and how to let go of painful memory that are causing me to be miserable on a positive note i ve had a really good conversation with my boyfriend who s my rock a sometimes he get deflated with my anxiousness and negativity which i can completely appreciate also i m going to start going back to therapy and get into that routine too i don t know what the point of this post is lol but i just want someone who can relate to me or me to them after the worst week ever,Depression +39540,i m currently working on a game which i hope to put on kickstarter i m not looking for fame and fortune but i would like for people to like my game and give it high review problem is that i feel like people can read my mind whenever i think about my game so i try to keep my thought quick and quiet forget writing anything down that s just another way someone can steak my idea how do i overcome this,Depression +39541,hey so i have health anxiety and got blood work done result will be posted in a couple week i believe however lymph node are a major cause of my health anxiety right now i m concerned with two knot which are in the exact same spot on opposite side i barely felt them a few month ago and assumed it wa a muscle or tendon since they were literally in the same spot there is one on each side above my collarbone not on my neck but in that little pocket you can create while shrugging supraclavicular fossa is the specific name for the location i believe anyway i have these soft and moveable lump on each side are they lymph node if so they seem large maybe like a quarter in size give or take to be fair they haven t seem to grow at all since i last felt them which wa late last year no fever no night sweat no trouble breathing etc i had a cold where i coughed and sneezed a lot a month ago but all symptom went away also you can not see the two lump unless i tilt my head to other side shrug my shoulder and try to flex my neck a little bit at that point you can clearly see them you can most certainly feel them i have absolutely no clue what the hell they are and why one is on both side it doesn t seem to be apart of my anatomy seems abnormal thought experience suggestion i ll bring it up to my doc can t believe i forgot,Depression +39542,tbh i just have no one to talk to and really need input atm i have alot of health anxiety and right now i ve convinced myself i have a blood clot in my leg and i m completely freaking out i dont think there swelling and my skin color look the same but the knee im worried about ha red stretch mark on the back and the other side s are colorless idk if thats new there a sharp pain behind my left knee and i m on birth control amp i vape so i took an asprin out of fear it worth noting i also have autoimmune issue could this be an actual clot what should i do am i totally overthinking how can i tell,Depression +39543,i am worried that i check my pulse too much and the amount of time if felt my carotid artery i make that have narrowed the artery i m not sure if it placebo but i feel pressure in my neck right around that area sometimes,Depression +39544,when i wa younger my mom would get me for month out of every summer a written out in the divorce paper during this month i wa hardly allowed to shower or brush my teeth and i often got in trouble for asking repeatedly for food or saying that i wa hungry i wasn t allowed to make friend in my mom s apartment complex and i wa never allowed to go outside unless my mom wa taking me to get food or we were doing her shopkick stuff i wa forced to drink coffee even though i didn t like it at the time and she d smoke in the apartment without opening a window from time to time a you guy can probably imagine i hated it there and i would become very unhealthy my mom would keep me up all night and refuse to let me go to sleep until like am i d pray for her to leave the apartment to go to the gas station for ciggarretts so that i could at least brush my teeth and chug down some water i wasn t allowed to drink water either because my mom didn t like it and she didn t want me drinking the tap water i wa only allowed to drink soda i d wait for her to fall asleep on the couch and try to sneak off to bed and finally get some sleep sometimes she d wake up while i wa sneaking and i d play it off a i wa going to the bathroom i wa always deathly afraid of making her mad because she d emotionally berate me or go overboard with the belt i wa also always afraid of getting caught for brushing my teeth or showering or going to sleep i wa ok for the most part when i d live with my dad i wa usually irritable for the next few week while i d readjust but now i m a sophmore in college and i m finding myself becoming more and more introverted and having more anxiety with le control over my emotion i am also doing the same exact thing that i d do when i wa with my mom for that month eating no more than once a day not sleeping staying up all night watching tv not taking shower not getting up to drink water not going outside and not talking to people and it s not for lack of wanting to do these thing i ve also seemingly developed a skin picking disorder where i pick my acne pick my bottom lip until it s completely covered in blood and my lip is raw and slightly swollen and pick my cuticle to the point of cry when i put my hand under running water i ve noticed that when i m picking at my skin i m thinking about how much i want to take a shower go to sleep eat food or drink water i have no idea why i m anxious about those thing again i m living with my boyfriend who encourages me to be healthy and is the complete opposite of my mom he s perfect all i know is that i need it to stop before my skin picking and or my introversion becomes so severe i can t come back to it i can t even go to the store by myself right now and i wa very independent my freshman year of college i m sorry for this being so long but if anyone ha any idea or advice that can help me get to the bottom of whatever is triggering me to feel this way again please comment below ask any additional question if you need to i would greatly appreciate it,Depression +39545,i have been suffering from an eating disorder anorexia anorexia nervosa since i wa yo i m in my early 0 now about a month ago i had an issue with my chinese takeout that heighten not only my ed but my anxiety level too i constantly fear that everything i eat will cause stomach ache or make me sick so i m cautious to eat anything anymore i have slowly been on the road to recovery with my ed so this made me take step back rather than moving forward it ha also caused me to lose sleep at night and when i do end up sleeping i wake up with awful anxiety my anxiety ha been overwhelming because a day doe not go by where i m not excessively panicking i can t even go out of my house without breaking down it is so bad that i only ever feel safe in my own room i feel like i m trapped in this on going cycle with no kind of exit i am desperate to find a solution to my problem but therapy ha not worked for me nor medication i have no idea what i need to do to better my food anxiety and general anxiety i do my absolute best to not think about it all of my issue but it s so damn hard when my body say otherwise ha anyone suffered from this did you find anything that helped alleviate your anxiety or ed any helpful advice is welcome,Depression +39546,so i ve been taking mirtazapine for year for my depression sleep problem my doctor also prescribed me hydroxyzine for when i m feeling anxious panicky i just took a hydroxyzine and now i have to take a mirtazapine before i try and lay down is this harmful can i take these two pill at the same time please help,Depression +39547,hi i wa diagnosed with gad panic disorder about 0 year ago and i ve tried multiple different ssri benzos i m currently on xanax but i ve been extremely anxious lately and my doctor wanted me to try gabapentin x a day ha anyone had any success switching over from a benzo to gaba or any experience with it at all tia,Depression +39548,in certain class i constantly have sweaty palm i sweat and blush extremely easily i d like to be able to fake it till i make it so to say but you can t really act confident when your face is a red a a tomato,Depression +39549,i m quite a nervous talker anyway i m not toooo bad if it s close friend or my mum but co worker and stranger like supermarket worker or customer i stutter quite a lot but like today i ve had to work at a really busy pub i do mainly cleaning there alongside my main job i used to work at the pub full time but now i just help them out and i feel mentally numb it ha been especially busy today because of a big town wide event we even had to have staff from other pub help being a chain of pub i also wanted to be sick and cry a couple of time and it s just from the sheer amount of people and the amount of contact i have to have with some people i ve been invited out to watch a game tonight i enjoy watching rugby and i m still in two mind whether i can face going,Depression +39550,well we unfortunately have mouse and been trapping a few but i dropped my phone where the mouse have been tho no mouse shit then i remembered no lysol wipe i mean i m good right not gon na transfer anything lol like idk i also smoke and worried about germ transfer,Depression +39551,i saw a new pcp for an annual physical and while i wa there figured i d mention some of the physical symptom of anxiety i wa having to make sure it wa not actually medical i told her it often feel like my throat is really tight and on the verge of closing her only reply a she roll her eye that is literally impossible if your throat wa closing you wouldn t be talking to me right now me no duh obviously not but it feel like it s closing she wa the worst doctor i ve ever seen which is saying a lot and i wa so mad walking out of that appointment for other reason a well but the day after a my throat wa tightening i just remembered her saying it s literally impossible and couldn t stop laughing,Depression +39552,long rant from a person with a diagnosed anxiety disorder tl dr at the bottom got yelled at by my bos today it s my first week working here someone ordered room service he said his food wa cold so i returned to the kitchen to ask for another dish to be made and i d hand deliver it myself so it would be piping hot i wanted to prevent this becoming a complaint so wanted to deal with it quickly returned to the kitchen manager wa sorting out further order with two other member of staff he wa in a hurry to leave so needed the order out he started barking and i mean barking order at me and i said one sec just going to ask the chef to got interrupted got told he didn t give a flying fuck that it could wait another hour and that i wa being the worst employee he had ever had a i wa being argumentative even though i never responded to him after my initial sentence of wait a sec bear in mind he s lost two member of staff since i started two week ago due to them finding work elsewhere and all i wa trying to do wa keep up customer satisfaction said resident left a negative review on the hotel website saying that a nice girl me had respectfully answered his complaint but upon phoning down to add something to his meal the manager told him that he would have to wait and he didn t care if the resident left a bad review and encouraged him to do so and when i finally came up with his food he apologised profusely he said from the attitude he got on the phone that he belief he got me in trouble and that he wa really sorry so in his review he wrote that i wa nice and the manager wa off putting and rude another employee stated that he told the resident he didn t give a fuck and had better thing to do with his time than chase after lazy people who couldn t come down to the restaurant for their dinner i never specified what happened to the resident and simply denied that i had gotten into trouble i just apologised for the long wait said everything wa fine the kitchen wa just backed up and left anyways i get paid minimum wage to not get my break minimum wage to get yelled at and told if i don t get my break then you don t either isn t fair especially considering i d been there for hour already and he had been there for 0 minute and wa leaving in an hour this entire incident resulted in me suppressing a panic attack for the remaining hour of my shift so when i left the building i broke down in tear and my mom had to pick me up off the ground don t suppress panic attack people it ll come back around honestly just not cut out for this my anxiety make me overthink thing so i can t even tell whether there is anything i could ve done differently here i just want to cry and i have work again in a few hour and he s going to be there and i m just upset i m never going to get rid of my anxiety disorder he just kindly reminds me every day tl dr got yelled at by my manager for trying to prevent an issue becoming a complaint it became one because of him and i got blamed for it get paid minimum wage work long hour and get no break can t quit because i m already a disappointment,Depression +39553,i am on 0 mg of trintellix 0 mg of buspar twice a day and 0 mg of trazadone and after doing some research this combo might give me serotonin syndrome and trintellix interacts with trazadone so idk if he s tryna kill me or he doesn t know what he s doing or if i m just over reacting lmao,Depression +39554,a lot of post and answer here are about health anxiety which i don t have or social anxiety which i do have but isn t the problem most of the time i ve had really bad anxiety for a long a i can remember and it s only starting to get better now that i ve been taking antidepressant for about a month but i just don t understand where the anxiety is coming from and even what it is about i don t know what i m afraid of i couldn t tell you what i m stressed out about recently my therapist told me my anxiety come from an obsessive disorder but not like ocd he explained it wa only mental but i still don t get it so i guess my question is doe anybody else here have that kind of anxiety and could you explain it to me it just drive me crazy to have my life ruined by something that doesn t make any sense,Depression +39555,for starter i ve suffered from ocd my entire life thing such a having to touch thing with both hand in the same spot counting making sure the volume is on even number hair pulling etc etc i ve never had the physical side effect of anxiety though from what i understand ocd is classified a an anxiety disorder two month ago i had my first ever panic attack after smoking too much weed and my life ha been hell ever since it wa the first time i ve experienced panic such a the burning in the chest the sinking feeling in the stomach the fear that something is wrong the problem is that ever since that panic attack started i ve been stuck in a state of panic and my brain is doing it obsessively constantly using the panic neural pathway in the brain this is what i figured and how my psychiatrist explained it also so i ve basically been stuck in a never ending panic attack for two month and it ha ruined my physical and mental health i have a rush of adrenaline and sinking feeling in my stomach every second for no reason at all my brain is just very obsessive an it keep activating the panic button i can t control it either it won t stop no matter what i do my mouth is always dry and i feel on edge and over stimulated my joint hurt all the time and the worst thing is my ability to heal ha been drastically shut down my joint and muscle don t heal from wear and tear anymore so i ve been bed ridden i ve tried ssri benzos antipsychotic etc and nothing ha helped at all some thing may help me cope and deal with it better but nothing stop my brain from constantly panicking i ve been looking into assisted way to end my life a i can t imagine the rest of my life being in a permanent panic attack this is no way to live anyways i need to know if anyone ha dealt with something similar and if there s any way for me to get out of constant fight or flight thank you tldr my brain learned how to panic and it s obsessively hitting the panic button for no reason,Depression +39556,m f we are currently dating for like month i mean we had sex timesim sure that i do love her a lot and she doe to but i don t want to get in a relationship now cuz i have trust issue it not about her i swear to god but i mean i dont want to think of her in a bad way i dont want to think that she is sleeping with a random dude at this moment i think she is cheating on me for no reason d even though we are not in a relationship and we didn t talk about it actually i am just jealous or have trust issue and i dont want to to make her day bad i want her to feel happy but am not sure about her i mean i had the thought that she is playing with me at the same time i feel like she rly love me and of course i didnt say that to her cuz i am her friend or her lover i meant i don t think that is ok to say that when you re not in a relationship even if we were together i wont say that or think of her like that with how to deal with that how to make it work,Depression +39557,i am the definition of a failure i have mental diagnosis no job or education have money problem and poor health due to all the stress of life i have no idea at all how i can change my life so i become one quite normal person with normal success in life im 0 and feel so behind in life,Depression +39558,so last night i wa up for hour trying to reset my sleep schedule since i had been going to sleep around am and waking up around pm i still wasn t that tired last night around 0 pm so i smoked some weed a i usually do every night i started hallucinating while making my bed seeing hand grab for me when i tucked the blanket it i tried to convince myself it wasn t real but i wa really freaking out so i went up stair and tried to just chill and find something to eat at this point my mind is racing and i can t think straight and i m wondering what is wrong with me and that s when i realized my heart wa racing like beating out of my chest i quickly pulled out my stopwatch to take my pulse because lately when i get anxious my heart rate get to about 0 my whole body is shaking and i m trying to count every beat for second but i got to second and my count wa already at 0 the stopwatch on my phone looked like it glitched and my knee went weak i thought i wa going to pas out so i freaked out and ran to my dad for him to take my pulse just in case i wa just buggin and just thought my heart rate wa crazy nope it wa resting at a i laid in my dad bed for about 0 minute shaking and cry i couldn t even get my breathing under control because i wa shaking so bad i couldn t voluntarily move needle to say i m going back on anxiety med sleeping more and never smoking weed again and i m gon na start seeing a cardiologist,Depression +39559,so yesterday i had plan to go skating with a friend and we drive there everything is good and we re sitting in the car waiting to go in all of the sudden the overwhelming urge to cry just come over me and i start sobbing two second prior i wa laughing totally fine it took me a half an hour to be able to go inside luckily my friend is amazing and super understanding but what should i do in that situation any tip at all on how to control myself would be much appreciated,Depression +39560,my anxiety manifest itself in many way and this is one form of it i would stand in front of the mirror and just feel like guilty for not being better not contributing more not being more positive not being a better friend when in reality i do those thing anyone else relate to this feeling,Depression +39561,i have a constant paranoia of having rabies normally i can distract myself and just not think about it but if i get reminded of it i m worrying about having it i don t think i ve ever bitten by a wild animal and definitely not one that had rabies plus my country hasn t had a rabies case in year the last one being a dead fox found in the wood i have no idea why i keep worrying about it but i do and i keep wondering whether it s related to anxiety or something else,Depression +39562,for the past month i ve been ill and every er urgent care and pediatrician say that nothing is wrong with me after several trip to my school psychologist because of anxiety i ve deduced that these are probably long covid symptom cool i guess since the monday before last i ve been waking up with headache that don t go away i immediately started getting anxious and started researching my symptom immediately google say it s brain cancer great i m and all i ve been thinking about since this started wa how i m going to die soon they ve checked all the problem area except in my head i want to get an mri but the oncoming medical bill are looming over my head i m also scared of the result on one hand i could have a tumor cancer that might kill me and on the other hand i could be wasting everyone s time my pediatrician suck and will probably just say it s anxiety which is probably the secondary issue not the primary one i m just so tired and so scared i feel like i have no one to talk to and it s consuming my life,Depression +39563,we are going to see them the day after tomorrow and i m already anxious i think i have adhd i show significant symptom but silenced by my social anxiety disorder sad i didn t tell my parent that i might have adhd because they might have freaked out or definitely told me that it happening because i keep thinking about having those symptom and don t try to focus blah blah blah and stuff but what make me really anxious is what if i don t really have adhd or any kind of atypical issue and doctor say that i m perfectly normal becus then that would suck because if this happens i d be the only one to blame for not trying enough and whining about my problem and also what if i don t really have problem but still get over diagnosed with adhd and get amphetamine prescription i have learnt that it highly addictive and famous psychoactive drug that ha many side effect i m y o and a student what if the med fuck me up even more than my current situation my academic life ha already fallen apart but i can forget and restart by getting an admit in college even tho it won t be my desired college but atleast i ll be starting somewhere if i get affected by wrong med it might get more difficult for me to manage my behaviour and it side effect my parent made this decision like hour ago and i m already overthinking to this extent please help,Depression +39564,i just fucking hate myself the thing is that i just recently got to the point where everytime i look into the mirror i just like get so anxious so fast like idk anymore all these negative feeling flood me when i see myself i just wish i wa better at everything and i look fucking disgusting and i know everyone around me is just thinking that i cant even eat and sit or sleep somewhere without fearing people judge me also im afraid of getting fat cause it would ruin my image even further the voice in my head want me to stop eating i just cant anymore i wan na km,Depression +39565,did i give myself erp year ago i think i did when i wa i had a pretty bad fear of gay stuff lol which lasted for maybe month idk i remember i eventually agreed with my thought and i got over the obsession i had a harm obsession a few year ago and i remember i eventually agreed with my thought there too i m going crazy and the thought eventually stopped bothering me maybe i can do it again lol,Depression +39566,i m trying to think of the last time i wa genuinely bored i stay at home a lot but whenever i m not doing something and even when i m doing something i m fighting against my anxiety mentally and physically i almost can t remember the feeling of being totally neutral and looking for something to do just because almost everything i do is to reduce the feeling and effect of anxiety on my body if i watch tv it s to try and distract myself from the heart palpitation and other fun thing and to reduce anxiety eat because i know if i don t i ll feel more anxious eat junk food because i m trying to push through the anxious feeling telling me if i eat junk food i ll get sick or die post online or socialise because again i m trying to push through the feeling of anxiety i get from posting online or socialising my life is anxiety management either trying to reduce anxiety or expose myself to thing that make me anxious which feel like everything to try and reduce anxiety long term oh how i envy people who are just bored,Depression +39567,doe anyone else feel the overwhelming urge to sink to the floor when their anxiety get bad like you just want to make yourself a small a possible because this ha been happening a lot to me lately i get an anxiety attack and i just want to sit a low a i can usually i m in a public space so i don t give into the urge to just sit on the public ground but when i get home it s the first thing i do to make myself feel better i don t know if that make but i figured i d put it out there,Depression +39568,this ha become a coping strategy for me i always did it to some extent i had many other ocd tendency a a teen but those went away pretty quickly after i tried to stop them but i ve become so anxious lately that i m starting to scar my face i know it s gross so please don t hate on me just wondering if this is something that anyone else with anxiety experience thank you,Depression +39569,can anybody help with this i have a short minute presentation next week infront of about people over team i know it dosent sound bad but my anxiety ha gotten the better of me already dreading it and now starting to think of excuse to miss it also debating diazepam before it to help which i know isn t the smartest idea but lost with stuff to help,Depression +39570,m started prozac week ago ocd and health anxiety over the past year have had 00 doctor appointment and test in several country nothing significant found panic attack resurfaced yesterday no cardiac cause yet high blood pressure and crunching gurgling in chest how can i learn to accept that the cause of this is anxiety and not some missing undiagnosed rare issue side effect underlying problem nutrient deficiency electrolyte imbalance food sensitivity or supplementation fix how doe someone make that real shift,Depression +39571,so unfortunately a the title say i have bad relationship anxiety and anxiety in general although it can come and go my girlfriend went out a couple of night ago and although i trust her my anxiety work up and my head belief that she is cheating she doe not have a clue i think this way nor doe it effect our relationship but i ve the shake all day and feel exhausted after my mind racing and playing trick on me how can i stop this,Depression +39572,hey im year old and ive recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety after ive been struggling with it my entire life i take my med when i need them only which might be bad and i also started therapy n it been helpful anyways ive been struggling with death anxiety for a while every once in a while ill somehow convince myself that it my last day week on earth n that i need to say goodbye to everyone n that this will be the last time im doing this or that etc it so bad to the point where i cant really get out of bed for day bc im scared of death whenever i have plan i keep thinking about all the bad thing that can happen to me so i cancel im scared of flying or driving or anything that can put me in danger tmw im going on a hiking trip n im terrified that it gon na go badly doe anyone have advice on how to deal with this bc i dont want it to stop me from living my life ive been struggling with it ever since i wa a child and i need it to get le intense asap ty,Depression +39573,i m f currently on a work trip with a few of my coworkers most of whom i ve known for year but haven t seen in person since covid started i m decently close with one person in particular and the rest i just have a normal professional relationship with last night everyone went out to celebrate a big milestone during the trip and had a great time i wa definitely pretty drunk by the end of the night and getting home is a little hazy but i woke up with good memory of the night before and wasn t concerned that anything had happened anyways no one had texted me this morning and i wasn t sure what the plan for the day wa so i reached out to the coworker i m closer with and asked what she wa up to she said she wa going to breakfast with another person on the trip and that i could come which i agreed to but then she texted and said they were actually leaving right now for breakfast and that we could meet up later this seemed odd to me since we re all in the same hotel and i could have been ready to head out whenever but it felt like she didn t want me to come i think i m reading into it a bit too much but now i m freaking out worried that i did something wrong last night and that s the reason i m not being invited along today i don t really have a track record of doing thing out of character while drunk though so i m just really confused and anxious tldr got drunk with coworkers who i haven t seen in a while and now it feel like no one want to hang out with me,Depression +39574,first off i m not saying being gay is bad few day ago i got a random intrusive thought what if i m gay and it got me anxiety for this couple of day now i tried to look at handsome men i felt maybe admiration of their look and wanted to be like them or false attraction with guilt disgusted and felt bad this intrusive thought made me doubt my sexuality and if i really am attracted to woman i tried watching gay porn if i get turnedon i didn t and i felt disgusted and weirded out no offense i tried to watch woman masturbating and it turned me on instantly i am really scared to be gay because i want to have a wife and child when i grow up am i overreacting am i straight or gay english is not my first language,Depression +39575,lately i ve been having panic attack everywhere i went out to get drink with my partner and ended up cry in the bathroom yesterday we were with his friend and i had to excuse myself to sit outside and collect myself the list go on there never seems to even be anything that set me off but once it happens i can barely speak without tearing up it s so exhausting i don t want to have to hide from people place forever,Depression +39576,i have been on prozac since maybe september last year before prozac i wa on lexapro and i wa given the highest dose of that and it worked at first and then my anxiety started up really bad again out of nowhere so i wa switched to prozac and honestly i don t feel like i ve noticed a difference especially recently i ve been getting bad anxiety attack that have worsened the past couple month i haven t had attack this bad in month it s honestly the worst ha anyone else experienced this where it feel like nothing is helping your anxiety i just want to be better my mind feel like a mental prison also doe anyone have any tip or trick that have helped calm them during an anxiety attack,Depression +39577,i ve been having some sleepless night lately with some racing thought i cry everyday because i fear i might have bipolar or schizophrenia the fear use to be that i had a heart problem stroke brain cancer etc now i worry so much that i might be going crazy i have a constant ear worm and an inability to sleep please help pray for me,Depression +39578,after a year of unemployment i got positive news yesterday that i got the job it s the perfect position for me and it will be really interesting to start but a usual i can t be happy when i m supposed to be since the congratulation call i have been spiraling a bit heart raising intrusive thought it s always the same thing,Depression +39579,we ve been seeing a worrying increase in pro suicide content showing up here and and also going unreported this undermines our purpose here so we wanted to highlight and clarify our guideline about both direct and indirect incitement of suicide we ve created a wiki that cover these issue we hope this will be helpful to anyone who s wondering whether something s okay here and which response to report it explains in detail why any validation of suicidal intent even an innocent message like if you re 00 committed i ll just wish you peace is likely to increase people s pain and why it s important to report even subtle pro suicide comment the full text of the wiki s current version is below and it is maintained at r suicidewatch wiki incitement http www reddit com r suicidewatch wiki incitement we deeply appreciate everyone who give responsive empathetic non judgemental support to our ops and we particularly thank everyone who s already been reporting incitement in all form please report any post or comment that encourages suicide or that break any of the other guideline in the sidebar to the moderator either by clicking the report button or by sending u a modmail http www reddit com message compose to fr fsuicidewatch with a link we deal with all guideline violation that are reported to u a soon a we can but we can t read everything so community report are essential if you get a pm that break the guideline please report it both to the reddit sitewide admins http www reddit com report and to u in modmail thanks to all the great citizen of the community who help flag problem content and behaviour for u r suicidewatch wiki incitement http www reddit com r suicidewatch wiki incitement summary it s important to respect and understand people s experience and emotion it s never necessary helpful or kind to support suicidal intent there are some common misconception discussed below about suicidal people and how to help them that can cause well meaning people to inadvertently incite suicide there are also people online who incite suicide on purpose often while pretending to be sympathetic and helpful validate feeling and experience not self destructive intention we re here to offer support not judgement that mean accepting with the best understanding we can offer whatever emotion people express suicidal people are suffering and we re here to try to ease that by providing support and caring the most reliable way we know to de escalate someone at risk is to give them the experience of feeling understood that mean not judging whether they should be feeling the way they are or telling them what to do or not do but there s an important line to draw here there s a crucial difference between empathizing with feeling and responding non judgmentally to suicidal thought and in any way endorsing encouraging or validating suicidal intention or hopeless belief it s both possible and important to convey understanding and compassion for someone s suicidal thought without putting your finger on the scale of their decision anything that condones suicide even passively encourages suicide it isn t supportive and doe not help it also violates reddit s sitewide rule a well a our guideline explicitly inciting suicide online is a criminal offense in most jurisdiction do not treat any op s post a meaning that will definitely die by suicide and can t change their mind or be helped anyone who s able to read the comment here still ha a chance to choose whether or not to try to keep living even if they ve also been experiencing intense thought of suicide made a suicide plan or started carrying it out in the most useful empirical model we have http www apa org science about psa 009 0 sci brief the desire to die by suicide primarily come from two interpersonal factor alienation and a sense of being a burden or having nothing to offer these factor usually lead to a profound feeling of being unwelcome in the world so any acceptance or reinforcement of suicidal intent even something innocent like i hope you find peace is actually a form of covert shunning that validates a person s sense that they re unwelcome in the world it will usually add to their pain even if kindly meant and gently worded how to avoid validating suicidal intent keep the following in mind when offering support to anyone at risk for suicide people who say they don t want help usually can feel better if they get support that doesn t invalidate their emotion unfortunately many popular good response are actually counterproductive http www speakingofsuicide com 0 0 0 what not to say in particular many friend and family tend to rely exclusively on trying to convince the suicidal person that it s not so bad and this is usually experienced a i don t understand what you re going through and i m not going to try people who ve had help that made them feel worse don t want any more of the same it doesn t mean that someone who actually know how to be supportive can t give them any comfort most people who are suicidal want to end their pain not their life it s almost never true that death is the only way to end these people s suffering of course there are exceptional situation and we certainly acknowledge that for some people the right help can be difficult to find but preventing someone s suicide doesn t mean prolonging their suffering if we do it by giving them real comfort and understanding an unfixable problem doesn t mean that a good life will never be possible we don t have to fix or change anything to help someone feel better it s important to keep in mind that the correlation between our outer circumstance and our inner experience is weaker and le direct than commonly assumed for every kind of difficult life situation you will find some people who lapse into suicidal despair and others who cope amazingly well and a whole spectrum in between a key difference is how much inner resilience the person ha at the time this can depend on many personal and situational factor but when there s not enough interpersonal support can both compensate for it absence and help rebuild it we go into more depth on the it get better issue in this psa post http www reddit com r suicidewatch comment igd whats wrong with it get better what if it doesnt which is always linked from our sidebar community info on mobile guideline there are always more choice than brutally forcing someone to stay alive or passively letting them end their life to avoid accidentally breaking the anti incitement rule don t say or try to imply that acting on suicidal thought is a good idea or that someone can t turn back or is already dead do whatever you can to help them feel cared for and welcome at least in this little corner of the world our talking tip http redd it igh offer more detailed guidance look out for deliberate incitement it may come in disguise often comment that subtly encourage suicidal intent actually come from suicide fetishist and voyeur unfortunately this is a real and disturbing phenomenon http en wikipedia org wiki william francis melchert dinkel people like this are out there and the anonymous nature of reddit make u particularly attractive to them they will typically try to scratch their psychological itch by saying thing that push people closer to the edge they often do this by exploiting the myth that we debunked in the bullet point above specifically you might see people doing the following encouraging the false belief that the only way suicidal people can end their pain is by dying there are always more and better choice than brutally forcing someone to stay alive or helping actively or passively them to end their life creating an artificial and toxic sense of solidarity by linking their encouragement of suicide to empathy they will represent themselves a the only one who really understand the suicidal person while either directly or indirectly encouraging their self loathing emotion and self destructive impulse since most people in suicidal crisis are in desperate need to empathy and understanding this is a particularly dangerous form of manipulation many suicide inciter are adept at putting a benevolent spin on their activity while actually luring people away from source of real help a couple of key point to keep in mind skilled suicide intervention peer or professional is based on empathic responsiveness to the person s feeling that reduces their suffering in the moment contrary to pop culture myth it doe not involve persuasion don t do it cheerleading you ve got this or meaningless false promise trust me it get better or invalidation let me show you how thing aren t a bad a you think anyone who lead others to expect these kind of toxic response or any other response that prolongs their pain from expert help may be covertly pro suicide of course people sometimes do have bad experience when seeking mental health treatment and it s fine to vent about those but processing our own disappointment and frustration is entirely different from trying to destroy someone else s hope of getting help choice made by competent responder are always informed by the understanding that breaching someone s trust is traumatic and must be avoided if possible any kind of involuntary intervention is an extremely unlikely outcome when someone consults a clinician or call a hotline confidentiality is addressed in more detail in our hotlines faq post http redd it c ntr the goal is always to provide all help with the client s full knowledge and informed consent we know that no individual or system is perfect mistake that lead to bad experience do sometimes happen to vulnerable people and we have enormous sympathy for them but anyone who suggests that this is the norm might be trying to scare people away from the help they need please let u know discreetly http www reddit com message compose to fr fsuicidewatch if you see anyone exhibiting these or similar behaviour we don t recommend trying to engage with them directly,Depression +39580,i ve been super depressed this year sure but i don t think it s gon na come yet i remember when i wa young when robin williams killed himself it really shook me because like i understood like my response wasn t being sad necessarily it wa well i get it it s weird i don t know i almost don t even feel emotional saying this one time a couple week ago i wa smoking weed and my heart kind of skipped a beat in a weird way and i thought good i wa like this would be an easy way to solve everything like it would be a relief to die then and there people don t think that right that s weird that i thought that why don t i fantasize about good thing anymore why don t i have oscar acceptance speech in my mirror why don t i think about my dream girl all i ever think about is how hard it ll be to get where i want to be and how i ll probably be when i meet the loml and i ll have no time to do anything fun with her anyway all i ever imagine is the bad stuff i think if you told me that there wa some kind of afterlife that some religion wa right i d do a little research to know what to expect and then probably jump out a window it just make sense right like what am i living for here yeah yeah i have friend and family that love me cool but is that really what s keeping me here guilt that s not a great reason for living and then it just get me it s like am i gon na work for another decade before i can get to a place i wan na be am i gon na be going on 0 by the time i m actually feeling progress in the meantime what the heck happens am i just sad and hurt all the time not worth it i wish i could just learn what my fate wa going to be so i could make an informed decision on whether i should be alive or not i don t know i m not gon na do anything now but like i feel like this isn t normal to think about,Depression +39581,i can t i m so done i wa born female and i hate it being seen a a beta male suck nobody take me fucking serious and then the fact i m bisexual fucking hell i started forcing myself to only like woman because i hate being attracted to men it disgust me i can t anymore i just had the biggest panick attack imaginable i want to just rip out my female part and fucking unlive myself i m so uncomfortable with myself and i hate how people view me i will never be a real man i do not have male chromosome i don t have male genitalia this is all in my head and i m fuckinf mentally ill this shit ha made me depressed and desperate the worst people are the one telling me to be proud and embrace it fuck no this shit isnt normal and i wont pretend it is i cant fucking take this anymore i m only and i cant imagine living another day with this shit i m not a man nor a woman im some disgusting inbetween shit and i cant take it anymore being a fucking freak i already survived two suicide attempt and i regret still being alive,Depression +39582,for starter i never really had a childhood when i wa my parent would constantly fight and eventually got divorced at the time i did not really understand and thought that my mom and dad needed space from each other well i never learned that they would never get back together until my dad remarried to a woman with son all older than me and my younger brother now my stepmother wa horrible to me and my brother this included being locked in the same room with my brother the whole day one meal per day a gate in the bedroom doorway so that neither of u could go to the bathroom or get a drink of water now i wa not always in my room i would go outside sometimes but i would be locked outside by my stepmother whenever i told my father about it he either did not believe me or shrugged it off a a mistake my mother wa not any better than my father she never remarried but wa extremely lazy and never cleaned the house she also never gave any discipline either so i wa free to do whatever i wanted then when i wa thing in my childhood got a lot harder when we found out my younger brother ha severe autism now thing switched from me getting some attention from my parent to none at all i wa now treated like a second rate child by almost everyone now whenever it wa my birthday and wanted to go somewhere we had to plan it to make sure that my brother would also enjoy going there because if he did not then my birthday would be cut very short not on y that the present were even unfair and i know it sound like i am just being selfish but is it selfish when on christmas i would get a 0 lego set and then my brother would get a new keyboard piano that he did not have to share the only time i ever felt like i wa treated equally wa when i wa over at my great aunt uncle s house at their house i wa not treated a a second rate child but instead a their own child they gave me acknowledgment and love when my actual parent did not they did not change plan because of my brother they helped fill the void that my mom and dad had left in me but my great uncle would pas away when i wa 9 due to cancer this not only hit me hard it felt like i had lost my real dad and now i would never get him back my great aunt wa still alive and kept up with me but i would only see her le and le a the year went by preteen teenager year were rough for me and yes i know most people s preteen teenager year were rough so for starter remember me talking about being almost locked in my room or having complete freedom depending on what parent i wa with well this wa not good for me at all a i got no interaction from peer my age and when i did get some it wa only for brief moment so i never knew how to interact with people i did make friend but this wa when i started lying to look cool instead of telling people that when i am with my dad i am basically in prison and when i am with my mom i live in a pigpen this kept leading to lie getting deeper and deeper and eventually developing into pathological lying it wasn t that i wa not kind or anything i just wanted to be cool and normal like the other kid and my friend this however wa only the tip of the very uneasy iceberg because now people were getting in romantic relationship in high school and god forbid that i get a girlfriend during this time well it happened i got a girlfriend when i wa freshman in high school she wa the polar opposite of me where i wa shy and not very interactable if i did not know you she wa the party girl who wanted to drink booze and smoke weed during the time that she did drink or smoke i would feel left out just like with my family at home so again i made up story and stuff to make myself look better well now i wa getting called out by others for my lie i knew it wa wrong but for me it wa all about the attention at the time no matter if it wa good or bad it made me feel real and like i mattered in a twisted way well now because i wa being called out i started to get even more depressed than i wa and resorted to self harm eventually one night when me and my ex were talking she got drunk and started sending message that i needed to man up and have intercourse with her r she will leave me well me being in a not so good position in life i self harmed more violently that time and sent an image to her in retaliation for her saying that she will leave me i know a match made in heaven right there i will not say that i wa not at fault partially in that situation and i will not defend my action i merely wish to vent and talk about this anonymously a i have never spoken about this before to anyone after that incident the next day i wa beaten to a pulp by guy who liked my ex and thought doing this would land them brownie point after which the school district finally did an investigation which involved my ex telling her side and only hearing her side my friend called me insane and left one by one until i had no friend anymore what hurt the most from that though wa now i wa alone my parent still never really paid attention to me and now were treating me like a chore than a son instead of getting me the help i needed they instead did nothing at all except send me to a psychologist who would proscribe every drug in the world and a therapist who did not really understand what i wa saying and that wa i needed help i relied on them for help and they were never there now at this point i m and have no friend still don t know how to keep friend and don t know how to reliably get help i spent the rest of my high school year in and out of different school with no friend or girlfriend i wa so shut off that when there wa a girl who liked me or someone who wanted to be friend i would always dismiss them or tell them that they could do better than me i wa a husk in my own body and it wa all due to my action and not wanting to open up to anyone i did get some romantic relationship eventually but those fell off a i never put the time or effort to make it last when i wa i had my first suicide attempt i failed obviously and i am glad it did at the time i eventually got in contact with my great aunt again after year we chatted about what had happened in our life with me tearing up for the first time in a while talking about what my childhood and teen life were like she told me that she wa the same way in that she wa suicidal and we connected together because of that morbid fact she talked me out of many other suicide attempt and kept telling me that it will always et better no matter what and yes thing did get better i bought a car and paid it off in le than a year i have grown and learned so much that i am wiser than i wa before and i am going to college to get a degree in biology and in all honesty i would not change anything one bit knowing who i am now but i still get the feeling that everything would be better if i just did not exist now we come to today with me still dealing with suicide it ha now been a constant battle with it daily because i just don t know what to do i can t get over my past and the mistake that i made and even then this post doe not even cover all of them if it did it would be almost 00 page at least i just wish sometimes i never existed in the first place or that i wa born to loving parent who actually cared for me instead of sidelining me for my brother because he ha autism i am so full of rage for myself and my brother not because he is autistic but he took away the childhood i needed in the first place i m and feel stuck like i don t know where to go from here i don t know how to move on from the past mistake that keep me back i don t know how to look at the future and not see it landing me with the worst life imaginable and especially i do not know how to get over the feeling of not wanting to exist daily and thinking of way to die sorry for the long post i tried to keep it a short a possible with the most detail and if this is not the right place then what is the right place thank you,Depression +39583,i m feeling very suicidal atm i m very close to hanging myself i want to call 9 but i won t be able to pay for the hospital bill afterwards and i ll regret calling them im currently in college and i don t work i live at home with my parent my parent will be angry at me for calling 9 and they will most likely have to pay off the bill we have insurance but after insurance it s about 000 i don t know what to do,Depression +39584,i ve just been so overwhelmed lately i d love a break for once in my life i m not asking for much but at this point it seems like only bad thing happen to me i even lost my two only friend a few month ago and now i m all alone again,Depression +39585,i m a year old girl and my best friend took her own life a few month ago i rly tried to live without her honesty i mean ok i ve tried to die after that but then i put in a real effort to live without her she suffered before she died she wa just a little girl not even a teenager i just can t do it i tried but i don t want to live in such a unfair world without her i ve had nightmare nonstop my brain is torturing itself after what happened my brain want me to kill myself and end the torture so i need to do it feeling nothing is so much better than being tortured i think everyone would agree i m gon na do it rly soon cuz idk how much more torture i can take,Depression +39586,i wa too honest with a therapist at my school and now i m being sent to a psych ward i m fucking pissed and i will be missing class i m literally about to cancel all the rest of my appointment,Depression +39587,i just can t do this anymore how the fuck did i make it to 9 at i tried to kill myself and thing got so so so much worse so bad that i didn t know it wa possible to live in such agonizing pain i hate people and i hate myself and i hate this life but i will miss the sunset i wish i could ve made it work but i couldn t do it anymore bye earth i ll be underground now,Depression +39588,we live in a world full of hate greed corruption war and much more a corrupt school system and mental health system you have to be normal or else you re fucked nobody care you re born without your consent and then forced to provide for society and fit into society it s all an endless cycle,Depression +39589,like fuck am i invisible,Depression +39590,i feel like i am getting closer to giving up everyday and i can help myself it like i am watching a ship slowly sink i don t think i will see my next birthday i know myself pretty well and i know i can t hold on for much longer i feel like a cancer patient with few month to live i have had suicidal thought before but nothing like this it feel like i am already dead,Depression +39591,first vent that is not related to the second one i ain t transgender i m fucking delusional he always find a way to make me feel like fucking shit i fucking hate him i thought of him like a father and now he just fucking betrays my soul he call me selfish for wanting him to see me a a boy he only give a fuck about himself he humiliates other kid and get a fucking kick out of it and i m sick of his shit sometimes i wish he understood how much i fucking suffered im having a whole fucking insane as fake as probably episode over a goddamn teacher god fucking dammit everyone tell me to just stop having such strong bond with a teacher but i can t fucking control it i can t i don t mean that in a creepy way i just genuinely want his approval so bad that it ha made me go over the fucking rail i want him to just approve me i want him to so fucking bad i insult him yet i love him like a father figure why fucking why separate vent made at the same time and just to get off that stupid as note for a minute i wish to fucking kill myself in a way where my face ain t recognizable my breast are cut the fuck off and the part at the bottom is fucking burned off to a crisp it s almost what i fucking fantasize about at this point maybe then the red neck degenerate won t try to dig me up and fuck me or some stupid as shit like that oh i ll know they will find my female abomination but at least i ll give them the nightmare to look at when i m fucking gone sexy sexy sexy that s what she called it oh how she wanted my body to be hers sick fuck i m gon na be sick just like her i fucking know it i m just an attention seeker bitch or just insane i can t tell at this point fucking bitch,Depression +39592,idk if i need to but putting a big fat trigger warning here for ed general bad thought and pedophilia a well a the fact that this is basically a long post complaining about everything wrong with my life lol i don t see the point of trying to tell myself that it ll get better when i know that the next few month will be so much worse than now i don t have any reason to try to keep myself from ending it when my body is already dying much quicker then i d like and i don t have the motivation or the purpose to tell anyone how bad everything s gotten cant forget the fact i am autistic trans gay and basically everything else that i won t ever get accepted or treated right for lol i don t hate myself i don t even see myself a a person i know i have delusion about myself that i don t feel comfortable sharing even though i m comfortable sharing literally every other problem i have but i hate that i wa born in general i don t think i should have been born at all especially since i wa born a fucking girl being trans is the worst fucking thing to come out of being alive i would give every failing organ in my body just to have been born a man i can t come out to anyone in person i wouldn t be accepted by the majority of people i know anyway because i won t ever be taken seriously a a man no one regardless of who i meet will ever see me a a real man and that hurt more than anything people might start using he him when they feel like doing so but since they ll still see me a a girl anyways i don t see the point sometimes i think of growing my hair back out throwing on a dress and pretending that i m comfortable with being a girl because part of me think that i could come to live with it in time sometimes i consider finding someone twice my age online just to give me fake validation because it ll be much more than i ll ever get in person i know it not healthy but neither am i i want the worst for myself because it ll make me feel temporarily better since we re already practically trauma dumping might a well mention that i ve been targeted by older men my whole life since i wa i ve been flirted with proposed to and had weird sexual comment thrown at me by adult all whilst my very own mother would watch and laugh never thinking to tell them to stop i mean she s never been any better considering that she is by far the one person who s made my life the worst it can be but i live with her and will do for at least the next few year so it s not like i can do anything about it i m only who know maybe this shit is normal and i should just suck it up and deal with it i could go into depth about how my mother ha fuelled my body issue and my eating disorder s how she s blatantly ignored the sign of autism i displayed from birth and now make fun of me get angry at me for and let me get severely underweight at a very young age because i couldn t handle any food texture and still put it down to me just being picky having an eating disorder might actually kill me before i kill myself haven t lost any weight from it but have basically lost everything else my heart is faring the worst it s absolutely terrifying feeling it malfunction but for some reason i can t tell anyone how bad it s actually gotten i go to the doctor occasionally and they know there s at least thing wrong with my heart but they don t take it seriously unless i experience symptom which i do severely at that but i haven t told anyone and now i have to face the consequence for it s been getting so much worse in the last few month granted i haven t had another almost heart attack since middle of last year i had every heart attack symptom at once i broke out into a cold sweat in my bathroom and felt the worst anxiety i ve ever felt my vision started to go static and fade i wa practically holding onto my heart and i ve never felt so much like i wa going to die not even after i overdosed but i ve watched my heart rate drop to 0 on multiple occasion and seen it go way above 0 after just walking up some stair most night i sleep le than hour because every time i ve tried to sleep ive been worried that my heart will just give out and i won t wake up for some reason i can stomach killing myself but i can t handle not dying from my own hand i don t know what i want out of this empty reassurance someone to tell me i m not being unreasonable maybe i just want people to relate i think more than anything though i just want someone to talk to not even about the bad shit just someone to engage with and tell about my hyperfixations someone who won t just ignore me and most of all i want a friend i don t think i ll get that here i don t expect to nor do i really think it s fair i don t want to live anymore and i know that if i reach i ll end up ruining my life one way or another i don t care what happens to me anymore because it ll just get worse anyway if you ve read this far sorry for wasting your time drink some water or smth tldr im suffering and i have absolutely no outlet or the help i need,Depression +39593,i struggle with school having to take all honor and ap class at home my parent insult me and treat me like a tool making me pick up their slack they give me the same excuse saying that since they work i need to do something my mom and step dad also think that my study are the most important thing in the world a i cant go out with friend having three sibling that are 0 year younger than me also build up this stress my family issue also include me not knowing my real dad my mom never told me anything about him but snooping through her phone let me know he in jail in another country i cant take my family anymore and i wan na cry but i cant my friend dont understand since they have loving family and big home the only person i can talk to is my closest friend but knowing that she ha her own issue worry me i have not cried ever since th grade and when i do it me tearing up i cant feel happiness anymore nor sadness it just me hating my family even more sport and videogames arent a good escape for me anymore a i lost interest in it and keeping up good grade to impress my parent make me want to cry but i cant i dont know anymore and im stooping really low talking on reddit i wish i could cry but i physically cant,Depression +39594,i am not i don t believe or respect myself enough to do it i am extremely pathetic lazy and bad person that s the truth a simple fact and this will probably never change because thats how i am,Depression +39595,i just wish i didn t have people and pet that wouldn t be bothered without me i have all the general visible asset of my gender identity but i still know i ll never be a girl,Depression +39596,been suicidal for a long time now attempted suicide for an embarrassing amount of time first time overdosing on panadol heard it s a terrible way to go but did it nonetheless i took 0 feeling pretty normal right now it s most likely not the fatal dose but that s all i could get my hand on whatever happens happens i ll update y all if i survive,Depression +39597,i m going insane every single day i don t know wtf is going on or who i am anymore i don t even feel like i belong here i just want to free my soul and rest in peace,Depression +39598,i seriously don t get how people just live their every day life without completely falling apart and i don t get how people are just happy with their life i m in college right now and i m failing class have no friend and zero motivation to do anything about it i really just don t see the point in putting myself through hell for a degree so i can get a job i don t want and coming home from that job to absolutely no one i really don t think anyone could ever love me so if i ll hate my job have no friend and no romantic partner what s the point there s nothing in my life worth working towards and i m ready to give up on everything i just can t do this anymore and i don t know what s left to do other than kill myself,Depression +39599,what keep me awake every night is trying to figure out whether my wife and kid would be better off if i actually did take my own life versus me continuing to exist in their life versus divorce and distancing myself from them a much a possible my best mate in my late 0 his mother took her own life when he wa about 0 year old and he hated her for it ever since my parent split when i wa and i have absolutely no memory of my parent a a couple you know a mum and dad together and i m pretty sure my dad left to live with his parent because he had wanted to take his own life and wanted to distance himself from u to minimise the impact he s still alive looking after his mother but he never had any passion for anything and always seemed to be just existing so i get it i m that way too i don t know of any example of father who decided to just live and not leave the family because all my childhood friend were also poor kid living in single parent household i have no friend now so i don t have any example to go by i can see how me choosing to stick around but the therapy and medication isn t making a fucking difference could make life shit for my wife and kid even tho he s alive i can t talk to my dad about anything deep or meaningful my so called adopted father my uncle is so full of b platitude and braindead socialist bullshit that i can t stand talking to him about this stuff i don t have any friend from church so i have nobody to teach me how i m supposed to pray about this shit so i m getting no answer from jesus god i effectively have nobody to talk to about this i don t want empathy i want fucken solution the mere fact that no matter what i do whether ten of thousand of dollar of therapy or a half dozen different medication over the last five year none of it ha made anything better fuck depression fuck adhd fuck doing a job for money fuck being productive fuck cognitive behaviour therapy fuck autism fuck aspergers fuck anxiety fuck just reach out for help fuck society and fuck god for making me born with this mental illness,Depression +39600,i don t have enough med to od myself i m afraid of pain so i cant slit my own neck if emotional agony can kill me then i would have died a million time over already,Depression +39601,i m apparently a horrible failure of a partner and lover i m awful and terrible i should just go kill myself everyone would be better off if i wa dead i m terrible for the hurt i cause because i ve been hurt i m hideous for not knowing how to love when my whole life ha been nothing but trauma i m worthless and no man will ever love me i deserve to be told to kill myself and i deserved my abuse i deserved my rape and my miscarriage and to be cheated on i deserved it all i m terrible im a failure of a daughter a sister a friend an almost wife and almost mother i have no worth im unlovable,Depression +39602,i extremely hate this day it reminds me that nobody care about me if i had died no one would even noticed people my age are getting married strenghtenning friendship bond having the time of their life i have nobody to talk to friend i once had stopped replying to my text i planned comiting suicide two year ago but the pandemic happened i imagined myself standing in the middle of a bridge and jumping through a barricade while cry and listening to johny cash hurt i am so lonely i overwork myself to forget that i have nobody and i will never have i will spend my birthday the same a for couple last year i am going to cry,Depression +39603,i ve tried to do everything right i ve tried so hard it never get better no matter what it s always a circular road and i always end up in the same place i m just so tired,Depression +39604,my parent split when i wa i lived with my dad and my sister moved with my mom my father wa a super alcoholic and abusive he used to whip me with cordage punch me while i wa naked because i wa taking a shower to long and basically hit me when ever he wa in the mood when i wa the neighbor kid who wa older than me molested me and i told my dad about it he asked me if i wa some kind of homosexual slang word and did nothing about it he used to wash my clothes and hang dry them above trash and i wa very limited on the amount of time i wa allowed to bathe because of this i got picked on for being the dirty kid fast forward a few year i became the bully a i wa psychically stronger than kid my age i also started stealing food and laundry detergent from the gas station i would put my clothes in trash bag and bike them to the laundry mat when i wa i got a girl pregnant i also started hanging out with people older than me i got into fight alot and started robbing place to eat i got caught and did time in juvenile hall afterwards i wa court ordered to move in with my mom she knew nothing about what wa going on at my dad s house the whole time i felt like if i said anything i would be forced to move and that made me feel guilty because i wa all my dad had left at i wa diagnosed with a nasty skin disorder called hidradenitis suppurativa basically i get boil in my armpit and on my butt there is no cure and surgery usually doesn t work it just come right back this made me skidish when it came to dating and i wa also dealing with my molestation the whole time throughout my whole teenage year i thought i wa gay because of what happened a a child when i wa i met a i fell head over heel for her and vice versa about year in i became extremely possessive gave her zero space and never did anything fun with her we broke up i could see she wasn t happy and asked her one day if she needed to leave and she said yes it wa over throught my late 0 i would check in on her to make sure she wa ok she would get in a relationship but then break up and we would start chatting again this happened time but i never fully pursued her i could tell we had unfinished business and that she had the same feeling for me a i did for her i knew she could get better so i let her go it ha now been year and i haven t dated serious since i have relived our break up 000s of time i will dream of her and wake up and it start all over again that mixed in with my past my skin disorder my job that i hate even though it s good money my addiction my dying mother ha me to the point where i don t want to live i ve also recently learned that my dad s house burnt down and he ha been homeless living out of his car for the past few year i don t know how to react to that for year now i have told myself that when my mother go i m going to kill myself i ve decided to wait until she go because she ha been through a lot a well and i want her to not be alone when she doe my dad wasn t good to her then wa abused by step father he died and all while dealing with severe kidney problem and vitamin deficiency i don t really have a relationship with my daughter i wa a bad father a a teenager i ve tried to do better but i don t think she would ever forgive me for not being there my mom s health is steadily declining so my time is approaching i ve recently bought a gun and now it s all up to my mom to those of you who made it this far i m sorry this post is so long i needed somewhere to vent because a lot of this stuff i have never told anyone thanks for reading,Depression +39605,so for awhile now i ve tried multiple time to hang myself and also tried to slit my wrist but all my suicide attempt have failed and im trying to find happiness in life and find a reason to live but everday i just wan na end all my suffering anyways here s why i feel suicidal so basically my mom and dad are abusive and make me feel like shit and then my brother and sister don t understand what im going through so they make it worse and my parent threated me if i call cps or anyone about what happens at the house i would get whooped till i got red mark and alot of bad thing somebody please help me before i take my life,Depression +39606,i don t want to go to the psych ward i just want this all to stop but i m too afraid to try because if i fail again i m going to be locked up again,Depression +39607,human just making my life harder to impossible to live ruined my life and my childhood fuck you people pushed me to the edge million of time that i don t mind even kill torture steal destroy hurt other people or even destroy humanity and earth you fucking deserve this instead of living happy life human and religion are fucking cancer,Depression +39608,it s not easy being useless i am honestly just considering quitting my job and spending these last few day in a hedonistic fashion i hate my family so their feeling don t matter i never understood the logic that i shouldn t kill myself because it would make other people sad it seems like everyone is for doing what s best for you until that thing that s best for you is suicide the rule for suicide are different because when you re suicidal you have to throw what s best for you out the window and do what other people want for you and that s fucking bullshit,Depression +39609,we have absolutely no freedom when it come to our life i personally have a family and i resent them everyday for being the reason i m still a slave to life after a suicidal episode that disease i call hope creep back in and fuel me to slave away for a few month until i burn out again if anyone ha a solution to the family problem let me know ex telling them you re a monk and moving to thailand,Depression +39610,god im stupid,Depression +39611,i know i m not the other one going through this but holy fuck i jsur feel so alone and in so much pain and it hurt so much even my therapist doesn t seem to undersrand how much this really hurt and how much i really just want to fucking die,Depression +39612,why is this overwhelming fear and the feeling that nothing matter going away i feel worse a more day pass i am doing everything i can i am going to therapy taking medication getting help but it isn t changing anything everyday i go to sleep i wish that i don t wake up that i don t have to feel like this anymore the worst part is that i don t understand what i am so afraid of and if i don t understand it how am i supposed to overcome it i don t know what to do i really don t,Depression +39613,f i m planning to kill myself perhaps next month i m just gon na put it all out there because i have nothing to lose now i missed year of school because of mental health and i wa in a psych ward for 9 month due to this i have no friend at all only my mum and i m grateful for that now i m in year in a hospital school trying to cram year of lost education into my brain my gcse s are in a month and i m going to fail even though i m only going to be doing two of them english language and math i cant even get to college don t get me started on uni i m going to be a nobody struggling to find a job i bet my mum is so disappointed in me but she doesn t wan na say it my future is over i m over even though my life ha just begun i d rather end it now than be known a the waste child i ve been planning my death for a long time now i can t take this anymore this disappointment in myself i can t take it,Depression +39614,hey guy i m and female and i ve been struggling with my mental health for the past year i ve had a lot of suicidal episode all of them were in my head so i never actively did anything except wishing to die but the wish of dying got bigger in the past month i just hate my life and i struggle so much it s just crazy i don t see any pleasure in living but my problem is that i feel like i m not 00 ly sure if i want this my reason of dying i might have ocd and this shit is just a living hell i keep ruminating so much and i just can t continue to live like that this sickness ha taken so much lifetime away from me i have horrible thought about the people i love the most and i m scared i might have harmed them in any way and i wouldn t be able to live with that i just hate life when you see me from the outside you ll think that i m a happy person but i m not i struggle with anxiety and panic so much they re part of my daily life i just have too many issue all of the pain will be over the problem is that my elder brother past away a month ago and my family wouldn t be able to handle two death child i told a close friend about my suicidal thought but i think that he didn t fully understand me he doesn t know that this is something that i m considering all the time about therapy i can t get any help bc of my parent so no matter what you ll say about therapy it won t be possible i just want everything to end i ve suffered enough i ve had enough of this life maybe i m being selfish but i ll have to do what s best for me in the last day i haven t been able to do anything good i mostly laid in my bed on the phone i just don t find any motivation in thing i eat very bad and then my stomach will hurt the next day my sleep schedule is fucked up too but it ha gotten better in the last day i feel so sick and when i m with my friend i play the girl who s always happy while i m not i just hate life i ve harmed myself a few time but it wa just biting myself i wanted to do more extreme thing but then i didn t bc i don t see how self harm could help me i d like to die a painless death or maybe commit suicide indirectly so that my family won t see that i killed myself,Depression +39615,hey i posted a question here a while ago but no one answered i don t know if maybe my question got private it or something i don t think it broke any rule it s just that i m afraid death will leave you conciouss until you decompose or get cremated or that you ll suffocate due to not breathing do we know that being dead mean you re definitely unconscious,Depression +39616,i wish i wa dead im too much of a fucking pussy to kill myself i rely on pot to function there isn t a single moment of my day that i m not thinking about my ex girlfriend i m extremely pretentious while also being insanely insecure i hate my friend i hate my town i hate the way that i am i m unsure of my view and future i have debilitating anxiety i fall into the same loop over and over of making progress in life only to fall back into depression and start again my passion is guitar and writing song and all of them are garbage my parent suck i m afraid of sleeping at night because of nightmare that trigger my trauma and make me dissociate i can t drink anymore because it make me want to attempt suicide fuck,Depression +39617,i d been free from suicidal ideation for a few month and am distraught to be back in a place of despair i started a new job a stepping stone to what i thought wa my career goal and it seems to be something i m not cut out for emotionally i m a behavior therapist and my client honestly disturb me sometimes have me feeling depressed a i feel there s no hope for them this is very frustrating because this is my third career path and i m only my sleep quality is dipping severely a of late the time in which my brain is supposed to heal i m seemingly unable to eat consistently binging then fasting over and over my new therapist doesn t seem to be much help i m a recovering alcoholic and addict but i m finding myself craving to escape with substance it s not an option however because it would grant me homelessness a i m currently in a sober home it s hard to connect to people i m in a very self critical mindset lately judging my word after every interaction i have i m even feeling internal homophobia i feel this may be the sign of a positive internal reset and spiritual awakening but it s overwhelming nothing feel comfortable right now something snapped in my psyche at year old four year ago and i ve essentially been miserable since i wa diagnosed bipolar type i this mean without medication or proper self care i e sleep i can have an episode of severe depression or mania wherein my mind work in overdrive and it may feel good in fleeting moment but is ultimately disastrous to my life while manic i ve ruined my credit score crashed car and ruined relationship through verbal violence that is a byproduct of my lowered inhibition at this time with sobriety medication and meditation i had been doing well but with a new fork in the road in regard to my career terrible sleep with disturbing and stressful nightmare and utter confusion and frustration a a result i can t even bring myself to suicidality because i ve tried it quite a few time pill other type of pill intentional carbon monoxide poisoning cutting major artery and more pill with alcohol life just seems to be an endless series of pain and suffering i feel like getting in my car and driving i want to drive to a remote area in a state that is foreign to me park my car and just walk starve to death find a cliff and enjoy the sight of a new scene while i m at it what scare me is surviving and being more miserable with a set back that is typically what happens thanks for reading,Depression +39618,i ve rewritten this time within the past hour it s already am and yet still had the patience for it i want to kill myself and i m stupid if i end up doing it my reasoning it wa for a boy and my effortless attempt at making him happy without me in the picture he ha reddit so i m hoping he doesn t see this due to the fact we follow each other but if he doe thanks for everything thanks for the laugh on the voicecall today and for making me smile everytime i open up the chat i love you and i could only pray that you d love me too,Depression +39619,think about it i cant do a single thing anymore and the fact that i just suck at everything is just totally fantastic sarcasm i just keep bottling up everything and everything i thought about running away and dieing alone but i don t know how brutal that is,Depression +39620,enough fentanyl to kill a gorilla i m sorry i don t wan na hurt my family but i can t go on another day living a a junkie fuck up might a well end it i love you zoey in case you re reading this i m sorry,Depression +39621,it s not that had to understand,Depression +39622,anyone suffering from depression and or is suicidal whatever it may be i truly hope you the best ik how hard it fucking is unfortunately i lost the battle it s the last thing i wanted to do i know i m young but fought for so long to be happy exhausted every option but it s just too much pain not gon na get into all the detail to what happened to cause a lot of this feel like it wouldn t accomplish anything amp this post won t even be noticed just leaving a digital footprint ig already wrote letter for my parent and little brother amp close friend this thing happened about when i wa and have been dealing w it since and it s mentally taxing and caused severe depression stress amp pain amp turned my once happy outgoing self threw it in a fucking blender can t say i didn t try though just get to a point where every option available you took and you tried your hardest to get over what happened and get life back to normal and everything throw you back to the fuckin ground then you realize there really is nothing you can do and look back at how long you ve been trying and how hard you tried it s painful n i ll no longer by suffering by 0 pm wish you all the best stay solid,Depression +39623,i realized the only reason i haven t killed myself is i don t want to be a burden on my brother and cause him and harm idk realizing that made me freak the fuck out the idea that i haven t lived my life for myself for year is making me have the urge again for some reason and it s scaring me the only thing that give me comfort is planning a day to end it so i don t end it now i really don t want to be here anymore i feel like people only want me around when it s convenient for them or when i can help them i am a last resort for everyone because i have no need at all i fucking hate myself and the only people who care about me are the people who have to this is stupid but it wa cathartic to write lmao,Depression +39624,i purchased a helium tank just waiting for it to come i don t feel sad anymore just peaceful and ready for an exit,Depression +39625,had a long talk about my well being i have a history of suicidal thought for about year see my page for detail if you d like anyways they said that they re worried because i ve been literally drained for week work ha me tied have a weird as headache for a month nearly and i haven t been uppity like i usually am just tired of working to live and living to work i have no college history barely got through high school no ambition nothing i dont want to keep working job to job until i can retire 0 year down the road my folk said thats life you have to push cause thats how it always gon na be i just told them if thats seriously how it going to be struggling all my life id rather paint the ceiling with my fucking brain and walked off just man im tired guy so tired,Depression +39626,just feel like total shit honestly nobody text me it feel like nobody want anything to do with me i m just so fucking lonely all i want is somebody to hold me and tell me it s okay but i m so afraid of letting people see me broken my friend kept trying to talk to me earlier he said i seemed out of it which i wa but i just said i wa fine and pretended i wasn t bothered i honestly don t know how much longer i can handle feeling like this feeling so lonely and broken i just wish i had somebody in my life who would talk to me and keep my occupied and make me feel wanted i m such an asshole i killed the vibe when i wa with my friend earlier and now they probably won t want to hangout or talk to me anymore i feel like such a failure and just wish i could die in my sleep sometimes i just don t want to do it anymore,Depression +39627,edit i never really thought anyone would care but thank you so much for each of you for taking time out to console a random stranger it meant a lot and while i spent the night contemplating just ending it in the end reading this comment section again and again helped a lot i m still here and that s count for something i guess,Depression +39628,i ve been struggling with an eating disorder for five year now it ha stolen those year from me crippled me from doing thing i love due to my low body weight made me unable to think rationally and study diligently my family are exhausted mum especially sleeping beside me because she s terrified i ll die alone in my sleep it make my heart rot thinking about the hour they ve spent worrying about me or the time and money flushed down the toilet finding me treatment i always disappoint them the mental health team i ve been going to have been more harm than good mum tried to send me to them a early a she could after spotting my illness they did nothing to prevent it from spiraling out of control which it shortly did i had a useless councillor who would stare at me in silence for an hour every week once she broke it to ask if i drank chocolate milk pretty self explanatory considering i had anorexia my parent and i left each session in tear after politely asking if we could swap councillor the team began bullying my mum they thought we were attacking the councillor i wa seeing this meant they refused to offer me a bed at a residential care and threatened to stop paying for my weekly doctor visit unless i disengaged in seeing a private therapist whom i wa making progress with today i found out my mum s plea to put me into residential care ha been accepted i m scared shitless what worry me most is how much they ll fatten me up i ve read somewhere patient are only released once they ve restored of healthy weight however i m also aware i ll be alone with sick and possibly more malnourished kid than myself five hour away from home i lost it when i heard the news screaming and cry my eye out at my mum who should never deserve to be treated like that she ha done everything she can to keep me alive both her and my younger sister are so sick of me my sister hardly ever speaks to me when she doe it s usually to yell at me for being an idiot and retarded once she even told me she wa embarrassed to go out in public with that me and wished i died of cancer honestly i wish so too especially when i remember how close we used to be i went to my mum after dinner to ask for some support she told me i wa so selfish for continuing to engage in a disordered lifestyle and then taunted me when i said i couldn t drink an additional supplement formula i ve pushed those i love away from me i m so alone and lost i m praying to god i get sick and die because then they wouldn t think i wa doing it for attention or being selfish i m so sorry for the rant but i just don t know what to do,Depression +39629,i ve been very close yet i ve been postponing for a while on and off to cut thing short i believe i may end up leaving sometime next week there are a few reason why otherwise if i don t i am saving up for my mom to buy me a new ar it ll take about month to get sufficient fund but i am solely using it on myself i already have access to a firearm but i am choosing not to do it now unless i have to because the caliber might not be sufficient enough but yeah no one see the warning sign i may have potential but i can t live up to it i ll always fail i know many people that read this will skip over or not even care i am just putting my thought somewhere no one will probably read it oh well all i know is that i have tried my best my circumstance are holding me hostage from flourishing in this world i am only here to fulfill the need of specific people i am not loved i mean this with everything i m basically here surviving alone trying to keep myself sane under the condition i m under my own interest are impossible to achieve i am a batshit crazy piece of shit disguised a a well mannered average looking tall slim smart person according to them but yeah this is something i have extreme feeling for i truly believe i may end up going through with these plan sometime next week or sometime soon id love to talk to someone about this i ve tried to reach out to friend before about how i ve been feeling and everyone talk to me one time and never check on me again honestly im ready to fuckin get this shit overwith no one give me a fuckin chance literally i m getting fucking exhausted i m tired of this planet i just wish i could feel different at least i m tired help me,Depression +39630,9 today and i fucked up my life so bad i suffer from some medical problem which ha consumed my marriage pushing my wife away i know she s having a affair because i suffer from ed and must take a pill somehow she hold all that against me we live in the same house but she refuse to go to counseling let s face a fact we were both not always so kind to each other for year thing started getting better a couple year ago or so i though can t sleep can t eat ha been well over a month without rem sleep i get maybe a couple hour then wake up for hour doze off for another about my body is tired my mind is tired i just want this to end the only way i know how trying some sleeping pill w muscle relaxer even going to take higher dose of insulin to put me out she s in another room so won t know till morning if best,Depression +39631,almost every day i get intrusive thought to kill myself i m having a perfectly normal day and then one thing happens and i immediately start thinking about how i should just die i just turned in february and i wa planning to do it before i turned now i m planning to do it before i m an adult i can t go into a store without going into the tool isle and looking at the dollar rope i can t stop thinking about it right now i m on a school trip in fucking hawaii for god sake music festival and all my classmate are having the time of their life but i wa sitting alone trying to stop myself from cry on the bus now i m in my hotel and the only friend those friend fucking got in a group without me so i m in a room with sophomore that i don t even know my class they all begged me to come here on the school trip for month before we came here but i didn t want to because i thought i would be dead by now now that i think about it hawaii would be a good place to end it my room in the hotel ha a balcony we ll see if i use it this week before i leave also i have derealization all of these thing make me want to just leave this world for good there s more thing to but i don t wan na talk about it,Depression +39632,i moved i cut off my toxic friend i made new one i got a new job got a new boyfriend im going back to school in the fall im in recovery from my eating disorder i ve done everything i could to stop these thought of killing myself i don t believe medication could help me at this point i ve been on three different one now like six different therapist a well i think im destined to die by my own hand maybe people like me weren t meant to live long and i think im starting to accept that i feel like i ve been dying for so long it feel like an eternal fall that i ve been trying to regain my balance from my whole life but there s no stopping it now i wa doomed from the start,Depression +39633,since i wa a child i ve battled depression my first suicide attempt wa when i wa because according to my religion you re not liable for your sin until you reach maturity or puberty so i figured i m and miserable so if i end it all now i won t have to go to hell drank a bottle of tylenol and ended up in a hospital getting my stomach pumped and swallowing charcoal in college i met the love of my life we understood each other on a level nobody would understand we both had issue hers wa that she wa molested by her father we were both fucked up and our relationship turned very very toxic we d break up and get back together all the time and her family never liked me because i wa a year younger than her they wanted someone ready to take her in and provide her with everything the last time we broke up after year of being together she swallowed a bunch of pill and stopped breathing she turned blue ambulance wa called they resuscitated her but she stayed in a coma doctor tried to get the family to pull the plug because they said she s brain dead and even if she did wake up she wouldn t be the same i stayed by her side the whole time or a much a her family would let me she stayed plugged in and month later she woke up couldn t speak or feed herself or do anything she wa like a newborn baby she went through therapy but couldn t get all her function back she s still in a wheelchair her body shake uncontrollably so she can t feed herself seeing her like this broke me down in piece i couldn t see her like this and one day i left and never looked back i still feel a lot of blame for this i tried to have other relationship but they never work i m 0 now and live with my younger brother not talking to my other two brother or my father don t really have much to live for i have a problem with opioid prescription pill the only way i get any type of relief but it s an expensive habit since i only use prescription pill my mother who wa never really there for me or my brother growing up she wa always dating other men because she couldn t stand my father ha recently broke up with her latest husband and came to live with me and my younger brother she s a drama queen who s always miserable and make me and everyone else around miserable with her i have a decent career with decent money but no goal really i recently bought a few gram of heroin since i figured it would probably be the best way to go dying high a fuck in pure bliss i m just shit scared of being resuscitated and ending up in a wheelchair like my ex or being reincarnated into someone living in a third world country or even hell i made my mom promise not to resuscitate me if anything were to happen to me i m just not happy i have nothing to look forward to in my future i m thinking maybe i ll just take on the heroin habit without the intention to die and hope i accidentally od some day i mean it happens like every 0 second in my country i tried antidepressant and they work to help my mood sometimes but if you really have nothing to live for there s no cure for that i also just lost my job so perfect timing for that i don t even have the desire to look for another one i wish i could just sleep and not wake up,Depression +39634,i used to always think the answer to life wa living i really did but this thing called living is abhorrently cruel all that run through my mind is why would anyone else do it they must know the answer to something i don t they must know that the only thing separating them from everyone else is the collective knowledge possessed to follow through it is such a deep and passionate act that in reality the act itself is the meaning of life the meaning of life is to die,Depression +39635,i am trying so hard to survive but my mind is so much stronger than my body is all i m asking for is a break from this constant cycle it s just not worth fighting anymore,Depression +39636,life isn t good i opened up to some people but i fear they are planning to put me in a psych ward my shift is ending soon and i m in a corner here there s no point in elaborating further,Depression +39637,you re so strong you re being so brave you re not alone you matter i we they love you doe hearing these constantly repeated empty phrase actually help anyone all it ever doe for me is drive the spike deeper into my heart and make me want to end my life all the more,Depression +39638,fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,Depression +39639,two of my friend are fighting and both of them are depressed lmfao and one of them is lashing out and yk hurt people hurt people lmfao and all that shit and the other one is different and it s weird and seems to have given up and i m worried and it s self sabotaging of myself to want to help them but is it bad to do that and every time i try to help someone i end up neglecting myself and ik that it will probably happen again btu do i even care anymore i ve always wanted to be the best i ve always had to be the best i had to be perfect but now idk i just don t care if i m mediocre if i don t get everything right and that d be good actually lmfao like being more self forgiving but no i think i m just depressed like i ve always been but shit idk everything s piling up and i m scared and i want a way out and the way out that i thought i had doesn t seem to be working so god idk sometimes i just want to pop some pill and just fucking die wouldn t that be better like sure some people care about me here but they d get over it right haha look at me i just don t care anymore it s so weird how much i ve changed i used to hate the idea of suicide because everyone who loved me would be hurt but now they d just get over it wouldn t they lmfao i m overdramatic sorry this post is all over the place,Depression +39640,trigger warning self harm hello i m a 0 year old male and have bipolar i i wa recently diagnosed but knew for year i wa bipolar i just never had the courage to actually seek help due to the stigma i ve been on one medication already lamictal that back fired on me and i m hesitant but desperate to go on something else to help with the severe depression and suicidal ideation i ve never had thought of self harming but last night i started to and it s only intensifing i scratched my arm raw earlier and i hate to even say that i m ashamed i fear i ll use a sharp object next and that scare me most of all because i don t trust myself to stop once i start i need someone to talk to i have no friend and my life is pure hell,Depression +39641,everyday is just grey i can only rot in bed all day nothing and no one can help it s over it s just over i give up i can t handle this anymore,Depression +39642,i m a yo guy and i want to die i feel like a bad person i have like friend and i never hangout with them other than school i have a gf and i love her with all my heart but i know she could do better not to be cocky or anything but i m probably top smartest in my school of 00 i will probably go to a decent college and have a lot of life ahead of me i just feel tired with life though i think i might be mentally ill i ve fallen into this personality of being the crazy person of the group i hate silence because then i think about how much i hate myself i say or ask random stuff to end the silence that make me seem retarded i don t smoke or do drug and not on any medication but i wa thinking last night that the way i want to die is an overdose i work in fast food and some of the people i talk to at work are drug dealer and i think they would sell to me i ve thought it through and maybe i buy multiple non lethal quantity and then use them all at once i ve been more depressed than usual this last week i do football and wrestling and it s the off season right now so i should have gone to an off season wrestling practice my gf knew i wa doing this the only time i m really happy is when i m around her i needed to see her so i skipped practice to hangout with her she wa already with her girl friend and i didn t want to be a jerk and just come out and say i need to be with you tonight i think is the limit im always horny it s all i think about and my gf rarely want to have sex because she wa molested in her sleep twice by a family friend she still sometime see this last week i kinda learned if i keep asking her she will give in we were in my basement tonight and cuddling when i tried to finger her i did not force her i asked multiple time for consent she let me do it and gave me a handjob we both finished and i said do you want to go to the park where we usually have car sex she said yes so we went it wa still kinda light out so we went to target and walmart and walked around she showed me this lego set she wanted for herself i wa having a great time when we got in the car she said she didn t want to have sex anymore i wa extremely disappointed because she got my hope up i did not force her though she said she wa sick of me always talking about sex i replied saying it s the only thing i can ever think about she got mad and we sat in silence for a bit she asked to go home but i begged her to stay out for another hour until our curfew she agreed and went went to mcdonald s for sprite i apologized probably time about it saying i ll be better i know she could do better than me but i can t bring myself to break up with her she say she only want me but i want her to be happy with someone that would treat her better i ve decided to finally go to sleep and let her move on but the important part is her period is day late right now she might be pregnant neither of u believe in abortion if she is pregnant i plan on staying alive and supporting it if she s not i m going to buy her the 00 lego set she doesn t want me to buy for her i m gon na overdose after that i think i will write her a note saying sorry and it s not her fault one to the school and friend asking them to make joke about it and one to my 0 yo brother to say sorry and leave him everything i own xbox and 000 in my bank sorry this wa so long,Depression +39643,i want to end it so badly now everything in my life is pain if it is not my own mind tearing me to piece it is how people treat me and people like me i can t take this life i have no real friend i am a stranger to my family i work so hard to eek out some sort of life but all i have is a dinky apartment that i don t leave very often because i can t afford to do anything i fucking hate my existence every day stupid shit happens that have greater consequence example i wa getting in bed and my knee bumped my nightstand which launched oz of water on my router and soaked the bottom of the computer i have thrown a lot of money and effort into i don t even know if it will turn on anything i put effort into always get destroyed everyone i love always leaf life is a pointless never ending nightmare tomb with only one way out i want the fuck out of this hell,Depression +39644,not even a god damn crisis line want to help me well fuck me then i m done i can t deal with this pain anymore it s too much for me so many people have it so much worse but i can t get through my stupid little bull shit i m such a fucking coward i m sorry but i m done with this shit,Depression +39645,some are born to sweet delight some are born to endless night guess i wa born to endless night it just prof that some people were born to suffer and suffer more than most people not for joy that s why normies can t understand u the people in this sub they only think we are lazy ignoring our suffering and lot of mental problem and tell u to cheer up suicide is selfish our life are great it get better you are ungrateful lol i just want to quit the game not being attacked by some ignorant folk i don t need these lie or false hope my problem can t be cured and i know it thank you very much,Depression +39646,i m not even in highschool about to be but i m not and i wan na fucking kill myself it s all from dumb bullshit me being ugly having a crush on a girl everyone hate so i have to pretend to hate her or i get beat up i don t even want to do this because my brain say that i need to get rid of all emotion when i get sad my brain go don t do that you dont have any good reason to be sad when i m happy my brain go you don t have any reason to be happy i m only allowed to be angry and tired and i m tired so fucking tired i shouldn t be this fucking depressed to the point of wanting to km i m not even in fucking highschool i feel like i m stripping others from attention they need because i convince myself that my depression doesn t matter there s so much going on constantly that i wan na blow my head off not to km but to get rid of all the bullshit going on i don t want to explain all of it but deep down i know i need to i don t wan na tell anyone this because of so many many reason i can t even get into that it s just fucking bullshit i wan na just make a video saying fuck you to my school and i love you to my mom and then km,Depression +39647,just the same old stuff going on for year i feel like i m not good enough for anyone and it make me feel inferior and le than everyone else,Depression +39648,so struggled with suicidal symptom have had a lot of suicide attempt in the past year but have been getting better within the last two year so improving slowly well i wa until my bf of month broke up with me last week and i can t deal with the guilt of knowing i pushed him away with my anxiety ptsd and depression the pain of heartbreak is too much rn and a foolish a it sound it s very hard to take,Depression +39649,this world is honestly a dark place filled with narcissistic people i hate everyone i really really do i hate the smile and laughter of others the only people i can care about are my family and other people i can empathize pain and just overall depression with people have honestly just dragged me down to a dip hole that i have dug myself along with them and honestly that hole is almost foot i can t stand almost anyone my mother and some of her family but most other people i just hate for no reason and i suppose it s the hate the world ha given me and also the way it just is now people so self invested in themselves that empathy is being fully replaced will narcissism i have almost nobody to talk to it stress my mom out i know it doe and i don t like to talk to other family because they tell my mom and it worry her and my few friend never take me or my mental health seriously i am a human but i have been treated like some type of animal or someone from another planet i have minor autism and am also a schizo not schizophrenic i am a schizo which are a little different so people think differently of me i also used to be such a happy and funny guy when i wa younger but a i got older people got meaner and i got more sad because i wa treated differently and had random people telling me they hate me or don t like me in school and some i didn t even know i admit i wa a little off the wall back then but it wa mental issue and people gave me more than i already had my hate for the world is strong so strong that i honestly believe i deserve better than this fucked up hateful intolerant world i just want peace paradise some type of better afterlife this world is going to end soon and we all deserve a bitter end so even if i don t kill myself at least i can see the world end and all of u get the chaos and destruction we deserve we have brought hate and destruction to our own home earth they say we are one big happy family but the reality of earth is that we are one big dysfunctional toxic family a family that kill each other and are each other s biggest enemy along with each other a family that ha lost it s moral a time go on a family that ha little love to give and more hate what have we done to the world and ourselves right is wrong and wrong is right my point of all of this is that is human are nothing but garbage on this earth we don t recycle some of u are treasure to some some of u are thrown out and forgotten about and some of u are littered and left to blow in the wind until we are picked up one day or are forgotten a well in the end i hate the world it is my biggest cause of depression and that s how i know my depression will never end because the world keep on going and when it doe end i end with it so the way i see it is my depression will go on a long a the world go on or until i m forgotten about like a piece of garbage or i m one of the piece of junk that is treasure to others lately i have been severely depressed more depressed than i have been in a long long long time and i just want some people to know that this world eats you alive and some of u have to accept being junk or treasure the world is a dark and hateful place and idk if i ll see a light one day or an even more dark place i wish you all the best in this dark lonely world a lot of u will never become treasure and will always be junk,Depression +39650,i ve had this thought for several year now and i can t break out of my thought i hope you guy would understand me venting here i have no friend well i have friend who always seem to be busy around me but not around others pandemic didn t help with my loneliness i am extremely lonely i might be going crazy the thought struck me when i realized that if i were to kill myself in my home literally no one would notice me being gone what s the point of living on i am only passive suicidal but i am worried my thought would one day consume my entire body and drive me to kill myself in fact i wa very close to actually committing suicide a few day ago i tried calling the hotline and wa not helpful i can not afford to go to get proper help i m sorry i hope you guy weren t bothered too much reading this somebody please help me please,Depression +39651,almost jumped off a bridge the past two night i don t have the energy to walk to it rn but sitting in my bathroom with all my pill i m so tired i don t want to leave my cat and have him stuck with my body but i m so tired and tempted,Depression +39652,at this point i m just tired of living and i miss my old life i used to have a happy family with just me my mom and my dad then they had a kid 0 day later my dad dy of stage colon cancer he already had crohn s disease so i wasn t that surprised then my life slowly sank over the next decade my friend started to become toxic and my new stepdad hated me i got used to it recently i met this girl in school and i really like her we ve been talking a lot and i think she like me but i also keep having these dream that feel like lifetime these dream are about different people i know and they get to be so emotional i get attached to some random people i barely know and develop a life with them like a full blown 0 year of life these dream emotionally hurt me so much because then i develop feeling for these people in some of these dream i have kid and defend them emotionally from harmful family member it s stupid but it make me want to kill myself i just don t know what to do anymore i have these dream endlessly and i cry after every single one every single night i just had one about a random girl in my school i dated her and had a kid and everything i have to hide my emotion from my family every time i see them i just want to die and be done,Depression +39653,i have a plan that should 00 work for me it ll be sometime in april i just want everything to be over with i m not doing any of my work anymore i m not going to school and i have never done that before i m at an all time low and i m sick and tired of this constant hurt constant pain and hurting others i cant do this anymore man i wish my last attempt worked why didn t it i cant fucking take this anymore i just want to go i want to die i cant stop cry and hurting myself in multiple way i m done i m tired of this i don t see myself ever living a happy life and i don t think i want to i cant i m sorry,Depression +39654,my boyfriend and i broke up recently he say to not count on u getting back together it hurt so much now my only hope in life is that this cut is truly infected and that it kill me i don t want to hear the it get better stuff nothing will life ha always been hard for me and losing him is too much to handle don t know why i m posting i guess i just want someone to make the tear go away so i can sleep and hopefully never wake up,Depression +39655,just need someone to talk to whether you re listening to me or i m listening to you too,Depression +39656,i ve come to the realization that i am without a doubt suicidal but at the same time my life ha been more or le defined by suicide and i know all too well what it doe to the people close to you and because of that i know that i ll never go through with it some background i m year old and my first brush with suicide wa when my father hung himself when i wa i doubt i ever really healed from that and is still such a formidable age i thought i wa doing okay but the last couple of year have taken a toll i m also an iraq veteran i deployed in 0 0 and in the last year of the guy i served with have committed suicide the most recent being week ago it doesn t get easier i guess what i m really getting at is i feel like now i m just in a run out the clock situation with life i have no motivation for anything i don t really enjoy anything and i just don t want to be here anymore but i won t put anyone that i love through the pain that i ve felt and continue to feel is there anyone that is ha been in this frame of mind is there anything i can do to get out of it is this it thank you for reading much love m,Depression +39657,sorry jumbled post a my mind is running a million mile an hour monday night my husband wa in a fatal accident i literally can not carry on without him he wa everything plus this year ha already been shitty we were trying for a baby and miscarried we always used to talk about dying and promised each other to die at the same time kind of a a joke but also very serious it wa our way of saying i can t live without you the plan wa to do it at 0 but we are 0 year too early now i need to get through the funeral and get his ash to his family and then i think it s time to go,Depression +39658,i hate when people tell me i am so strong or brave i definitely don t feel like it i wish i wasn t i wish i could just end it for good i don t want to keep being strong so that i can just keep suffering it just make me feel like a coward honestly,Depression +39659,i cant stop myself from purging my meal even when i know i m day away from dying,Depression +39660,it s so tiring to keep going i just can t stand it anymore i wish it all would end,Depression +39661,every day i wake up and it s the same a yesterday i cry my eye out for hour and go back to sleep knowing i have to live another day is absolutely awful i just want to die my best friend wa put in a mental institution because he tried to kill himself and i m not allowed to see him the last thing he said wa that he knew about my suicidal thought and told me to do better than him my girlfriend doesn t know but she s the only person in my life right now because my entire family disowned me because i m non binary and she is the only reason i m still around and i m doubting if even she still like me because i just cry and cry and the gun in my neighbour cabinet is looking more and more tempting and i m now curious what death feel like and i envy my brother who shot himself a year and a half ago he wa the only family member i had that still loved me everything is bullshit,Depression +39662,i m been feeling useless my anxiety increase everyday i overthink so much i am overwhelmed almost every day no enjoyment in small thing always accepting what is not good or best for me i ve lost interest in doing anything i m such an obstacle to every person around me i want to die badly i want a their life without me i want them to forget me so much that they don t know me i want to push people away i ve only been burdening them i want to give my life to someone who still want to live i ve been feeling like this since highschool this actually begin since i wa a child i wa never afraid to die it only became much worst since year ago i ve seen many death elder and young one two of my elementary classmate die at early age that i want to trade my life badly but i am lucky that i have not been feeling regret ever since childhood i m such a complicated person please don t try to understand me only after reading this post like i said i m such a complicated person i m only writing this stuff because i want to but what give people don t actually understand this kind of mindset it s not like they care i really want to disappear i really want to die just this one simple request that can never be given to me i guess i just have to make it happen,Depression +39663,these few day my mother ha been telling me how much of a disappointment i am and i totally agree with her i only bring bad energy in the house and i always mess something up for the year i ve been alive i haven t made positive impact on my mother life or society i wan na die,Depression +39664,i ve made multiple post of this same topic a a way to seek help wherever i can i have no desire to be alive anymore everyday i wake up i think of way of taking my life because i have lost every single friend who wa ever important to me i am year old black non passing transwoman who decided to begin transitioning at i ve gotten to the point of getting my name changed but now i feel that it may have all been a mistake it s not that i feel like i m not trans anymore but that i can no longer take the pain and judgment of being trans i wa taking seven pill a day with hormone and had a huge increase in emotional irregularity anxiety and stress i embarrassed myself in several way to friend that i valued and after two month of reckless sex and drug abuse i found everyone around me pushing me away it s been six month since my last suicide attempt and everyday i wake in pain of missing my friend a i relive all the thing that happened i just want to end it all i want to try to repair the friendship but a large part of me feel thing may never be the same again i also want to just move on but the guilt i feel may live inside me forever i really don t know what to do at this point,Depression +39665,third post on this subreddit from this account most day are anxiety inducing i spend the majority of my life in my bed no job struggling to complete my coursework or even just to take a shower a of the last year these day that i have struggled with since i wa ten have become many and far in between i wake up dreading the fear that the day will bring the argument the pain and the inevitability of my own suicide i know one day the suffering will be too much to bear and without doubt i will hurt many people i have felt for month that day is getting closer than ever a few day when the argument subside and i feel a little more hopeful about where my life is going i am filled with a passion and love for everything about life that i hate i want to strive to get a job get my license succeed in college again reach out to people and take care of myself in way that i can t bear to do usually i still have hope i crave to escape the hole that i am in but it feel inescapable whenever i try to turn my life into something more positive i am met with another detrimental setback that put me at square one all over again it make me fear being happy because i know those period will only last a few day at most i feel so desperate to not feel miserable i really don t want to die but i am sick of this cycle i see other people so content in loving relationship with family and i crave it so badly i feel helpless to my own circumstance and i am unsure of how to get better,Depression +39666,i can t do this anymore i genuinely can t it s gotten to the point where everything is too difficult and i want to quit i have severe panic attack when i can t cut deep enough i just relapsed and it wasn t even worth it the cut weren t deep enough it doesn t even matter i don t want to be here anymore it s just an endless cycle of nonstop difficulty every night it s the same thing the day seem to blend together what doe it matter anymore if i m here the world will still turn i ve never made that much of a difference who would even care i m exhausted please let me rest,Depression +39667,it seems like it s just who how i am that s making me this miserable i ve tried it all it just seems hopeless,Depression +39668,how do you get over it,Depression +39669,i attract awful people into my life because i myself am an awful person i m not oblivious to the fact that i m flawed i keep going back and forth on wether i should become a better person because everyone that ha ever done anything great wa actually a monster with sharp fang the duality of life in human consciousness often torment me and i always feel pulled in either direction causing me to have suicidal thought i try to be good people pick me apart and peel my scab i give into darkness and the universe reward me with earthly delight while my soul weeps the price is the concept of becoming a better person just used to keep u all docile i yearn to return to my eternal sleep but i have these idea that life is worth living simply because the other side is where we go when we do not dream nothing no thing even now i can not decide whether i want to live or die which just go to illustrate the main point of this post this life is a mess of confusion the emphasis on being a good person make me feel like shit for the person i am yet assimilation look to me like narcissistic delusion no good deed go unpunished the path to hell is paved with good intention is the only to bring true good into this world through evil fuck having a brain,Depression +39670,i tried several time to write a suicide note but i kept giving up because i realized im actually going through with it so what doe it matter lol im going to be dead ill never love or feel again not that i ever really felt anything anyway lol i ate some orange chicken and rice and some granola bar with frosting lmao and some mandatory energy drink of course i watched some high school dxd and lit some paper on fire now im listening to obscure hex cult music from brazil staring at the wall i can feel the noose in my closet waiting for me im coming sweetheart dont worry just want to throw something into the void first lol i tied it up and everything already put my head in twice it itchy a fuck lol plus it throwing weird rope dust everywhere idk lol shoutout to spaceghostpurrp and domd and hi c and evaboy and idk lol we out fr lmao goodbye to every human being on earth and every animal and anything that ever hurt inside hopefully we all find love in the end,Depression +39671,i wish i could end all these exhaustion there is no way to fix my situation and thing are getting worse day by day,Depression +39672,im sorry im so fucking sorry i don t know why i act this way im so fucking angry and im so fucking sad that it hurt but i wish you would understand why i act the way i do im sorry i feel so sick i wish i never met my abuser i wish i could just act how i should i wish i didn t treat everyone like shit im manipulative im awful im terrible im disgusting i deserve to bleed out im sorry please i would beg for your forgiveness but i know i d just end up doing it again if you were my friend again i can t stop cutting myself i can t finish my food i can t stop cry i am so sad i am so tired it hurt it hurt so bad i deserve the karma i am going to get for treating ppl this way,Depression +39673,i m just so scared of the future i m making specific scenario of me getting hurt by someone i love and each time it usually end up with me wanting to or actually killing myself i say i don t want to kill my self at the moment but what about the future,Depression +39674,there too much evidence too many coincidence to many alignment god is on my side when i say that i m supposed to die of suicide and i am the only person who ha the decide whether or not i deserve to die i can justify it too,Depression +39675,my life is meaningless im a junior in high school don t know what i wan na do when i grow up my whole friend group is senior who all are leaving me and moving away to knew college they don t know this but their quite literally the only reason im even alive right now they give me motivation to wake up in the morning the day im alone and don t see them im always just depressed it s almost like their my medicine i just know once i finally move away to be on my own im going to end my life so i just would rather not delay the inevitable i don t even think my friend would care that much they ve already told me thing about killing my self a a joke not knowing the state im in and it s really not their fault i know their just joking and that they mean no harm by it it s just that im obviously fucked up in the head i sometimes would just rather wish that i d get into a almost deadly car accident that wasn t my fault just so i can maybe appreciate life more id also like to know how my friend and love one would react to see if they d actually care i think about this a lot when im driving and it tends to make me speed and drive recklessly i just want a reason to live honestly,Depression +39676,feeling really cynical about it my life is a fucking mess been two week i don t sleep getting crazier and crazier everyday but don t have any room for taking care of myself because of a 0h week study contest to come and even my weekend being splitted between people i need to see right now just thinking i ll kill myself after all these contest if i don t blow up before then taking rest is a no no i have diagnosed disability that my teacher don t care about dying seem like my only escape and comforting thought,Depression +39677,hello all i am m and i have come here to share something that ha been bothering me for a lot of year now i hate they way i look i did not win the genetic lottery by any mean and it make we wana kill myself to be honest i have never been on a date and never had a girlfriend yea you can laugh it s all cool look do matter and it s the truth this personality matter thing is all bullcrap people are attracted towards good looking people especially woman it feel really sad and lonely to be unloved realising that i will never have a loved one or even if i do she might cheat on me because of the way i look is unbearable i barely have anyone to talk to i thought i would share this here i wish i die in my sleep that s all i wish for each day,Depression +39678,ha oh god i don t know why i m laughing so much i think if i could feel anything i would be scared i m laughing and i m cry i don t know what to do i think my friend is suicidal scrap that i know they are and the problem is i m kind of suicidal too i see no point in life but i ve become sort of stuck in a rut of repressed emotion for a while i feel nothing so i have no desire to do anything let alone to kill myself but i m worried they do they said they would see me tomorrow so i don t think they re going to do it tonight they said they want to but they see no point because they always fail i don t know what to do i cant ask for help for them because i promised confidentiality and i know the pain of that trust being broken i can t do that to them that is not an option i know they re safe for tonight the only problem is i don t know how to make them feel better or if i can i m terrible at comforting people at the best of time and now i m half asleep and i think i m a little triggered for context my dad used to always tell me he wa going to kill himself if i left him and he would detail how worthless he wa and way he would kill himself and sometimes he would sh and almost attempt in front of me a well a me being suicidal myself on multiple occasion so it s a touchy subject i don t need people telling me to call the police or tell anyone else i need advice on how to make them feel better i can t bear the thought of one of my friend feeling how i feel or rather how i ve felt it s fucking torture and they do not deserve that shit they said they can t talk because they feel like an attention seeker and i tried to reassure them but i m crap at it please i m begging you give me some advice something i can do to make them feel better the thought of them in pain is agonising they don t deserve that i just need some idea on what to do what to say please,Depression +39679,i am feeling too depressed to type much my brain and body are so slow it s like they re shutting down i am just so tired of feeling this way i want it to stop so badly,Depression +39680,fuck it s just perfect torture god i could not make it any better myself honestly i give credit to those torturing me y all made me just perfectly susceptible for this shit in my hell odd why a god make a person a he device their hell why make them in the first place and why make them do what you would punish them for this post like everything will not help but if get the stuff off my mind,Depression +39681,i have no one i m alone that s why abuser target me no one care about me if i had someone that wouldn t happen,Depression +39682,my last post goodbye,Depression +39683,headed out to a state with lax gun law considering buying an over under in cash at a walmart with a box of 00 the thought keep running through my mind i fantasize and visualize how i will do it and where to not be found i m probably gon na throw away all my unsightly possession tomorrow before i head out i am suffering,Depression +39684,anybody just let me know i m here to listen and meet new people,Depression +39685,i highly expect to get a lot of pushback on this one but hear me out for year i ve been in a horrible mental space with no hope of getting out the way i see it i never consented to being here i no longer desire to live on this planet and i m scared to do the deed myself a far a i m concerned either my mom or dad should be required to take me out since they re the one who brought me into this world fin,Depression +39686,i ve been trying to find a day best to off myself i wa being cautious of my family s birthday and holiday and my birthday seems to fit perfectly in the timeline a to not ruin their coming day i just don t see the point in life honestly what is the point in living i m too depressed to practise to go to lesson to take care of myself to do anything and even if i wasn t too depressed to do these thigs what is the fucking point do you know how humiliating it is when people see potential in you but you re too fucking depressed to try it make me even more depressed knowing im a wasted potential look at me now gloating about this shit this is why i hate myself honestly my birthday is the worst day of the year for me i absolutely despise it but knowing i can plan my death for my birthday is indescribably peaceful i hate how even the thing i used to enjoy doing are a chore everything is just a fucking chore typing this is a fucking chore i hate the fact that the one person who wa preventing me can t even give me doubt now depression just build onto itself it build and tower and then it fucking collapse on you,Depression +39687,i had so many suicidal thought last night while i wa driving to try to make myself feel better i thought drowning is scary but i can go put my car in the river and drown then i went well let s look up to see what medication we have that might do it i m just so tired i ve tried so many different medication at this point i do therapy nothing ha worked i m still holding onto a little sliver of hope thing won t always be this way maybe one day i can keep my house clean all the time maybe one day i won t be so stressed and anxious maybe one day i ll be able to stay consistent and do well at my job if feel like it s further and further away i also just believe i m a total fucking failure at and discredit all the thing i ve done because it s just not good enough to me i don t know how to stop the negative self talk oh and i m also sometimes hearing voice lately sometimes i know they re not there real other time they sound like they re right next to my window or in my house i really wish i could just not exist for a week or a month why can t i just shut it all fucking off for a while i even just had a nice date with my partner and i m already back to thinking well i should still kill myself soon,Depression +39688,i hate myself this probably sound cringey but i do i hate myself my friend call me fat a a joke and id like to take it a a joke but i can t i can t i can t i can t i feel like they hate me i have no evidence they do but i hate myself i m worthless i can t even describe myself without wanting to kill my self all my friend are either small and skinny or lanky i m chubby but they make me feel awful they joke about me behind my back i have a true friend well i hope he s true that tell me this even though i ask him to do it i don t want after each joke i hear i want to die i can t tell anyone that would rope them into my mess and i m probably the least suspecting person to think this because i ve been faking a smile for year since i wa 0 at 0 year old i wanted to die hate myself i don t know who to blame but me i m useless i had a failed suicide attempt at age at fucking i tried to slit my own wrist i m only here because i love my parent and my dog but a soon a they die i have nothing but my own thought which i feel like are against me,Depression +39689,not sure why i m doing what i m doing not sure why i m writing this it feel like there s no point in doing anything i am not happy currently and i will not have a future so why do i do anything i try to push all my problem to the back of my mind but that doesn t fix anything i still question what the point of doing anything is i m so happy i defeated this super hard bos in this game but what greater purpose doe defeating that bos have what greater purpose doe completing a video game have fundamentally i do not enjoy life so all i m doing by playing game is distracting myself it doesn t matter if said game i played add to my knowledge or expands my worldview because i know i will kill myself in the future right now i m just on autopilot for year i ve tried not to think about my problem and had hope that thing would get better but i had false hope thing haven t gotten better there s only a slim chance thing will ever get better i wish i realised this sooner maybe the fact people keep repeating that one generic line thing will get better wa why i believed they would now i ve learned hope is nothing but a coping mechanism im just so frustrated that my consciousness wa ever brought into existence why couldn t i have stayed in the void now i see no point in doing anything i m just floating here unsure of what direction to go in i m unsure if there is any point in watching a movie letalone making any meaningful decision i m stuck in limbo i told myself i d wait this year out at least but i m starting to see there s really no point in prolonging the inevitable so why am i here writing this not sure what this will do not sure about anything,Depression +39690,long story short i haven t been feeling well for the past two week i think it s a depressive episode the day befroee yesterday i wa already damn done with life but yesterday wa my final straw i have only seriously had suicidal thought time in my life and have never wanted to do actually do it before i have a fear of death but yesterday wa horrible i wa actively searching for stuff to kill me and a i expected my family s first reaction is to scold me saying that even during school holiday they have to worry about my as and i m not even in school right now what do i have to be suicidal about they just straight up scolded me did not give a fuck otherwise it s been a day and idk everyone s pissed at me and i m at my wit end i m actively asking to be hospitalised but the people who actually ha the authority to do that are too pissed at me to want to do that and complaining about how it cost so much to go u are hurting all of u what happens if it s in the record for the rest of your life first of all what life my whole life my family dynamic is fucking bullshit it s not abusive or even manipulative it s just that no one communicates with each other probably because we know when we do fighting will ensue so no one talk to one another idk what i can do all the time the rule change all the time idk how to talk to them idk what they want from me this cycle is just gon na continue until day i eventually snap at them or snap at myself if i snap at them i m gon na get scolded i knew the only reason they would actually not scold me is if i actually did it but i know if i did it i would have let them won and i will most likely survive and i hate that only if i actually did it would they actually care about me i do not know what i ll do for the next few day and i don t trust myself i actually wan na go to the hospital but no one let me for fuck sake idk what to do anymore,Depression +39691,i will eventually give up i know whoever reading this doe not care so don t comment anything unless you are absolutely inclined to after i die i will ask god to destroy my spirit and make it a if i never existed i hate anything having to do with existing everything that it brings the people the negativity the bullying it just nonstop i wish to have never experienced this life or anything having to do with it this life is inherently evil and whoever made me wanted all the bad thing to happen to me i guess i will just row out to sea and wait for a storm or tie my leg to a boulder and drop 00 foot to ocean floor anything anything i got ta do to get off this shit i will go out of my way to cause my life to end,Depression +39692,surely just hanging there being asphyxiated by the rope will kill you eventually if the above mentioned thing don t happen,Depression +39693,i m so tired of the pain hating myself and having no future i cant do this anymore,Depression +39694,i feel like i just need to have a long long chat with one person about how i feel constantly i m not in crisis or anything i just want to know what s going on in my head so i can stop my self destructiveness because i don t even know what i do to mentally kill my self thank you,Depression +39695,yeah so basically me and my bf both have been in a very good relationship for about a year and month and we were just texting like we normally do every night and he told me that he s suicidal and think about hurting himself a lot how do i deal with this information how can i help him he already said he doesn t want to go to therapy since that would require him telling his parent and i assume he s really embarrassed about it so what can i do to help him i ve never had to deal with anything like this before so i have no idea,Depression +39696,life just fucking suck i hate everything but above anything else the most i hate is religion i cant help it but say that i do not understand religion and their concept guess what i had to be born in a religious family fuck yeah because of that i am constantly threatened by religious friend and family looking at me like i am a disgusting being constant physical abuse by my mother just because i disagree with their belief i never wa disrepectful to them i just hoped that i could be free and decied wetehr or not follow the religion but no my mother is more worried of what other family member think of her so she try to force me to not reject religion or else my family will think that she is a bad mother and look down on her my family is a fucking joke this is not my only reason that made me start having suicidal thought i am a teenager male so i unfortunately still depend of my mother but that doe not matter because i decided that after finishing uni i will kill msyelf i am weak i cant even handle a full time job i have no realistic goal i have no ambition and even le motivation to do anything it seems i am not suitable fort this world so the only thing i am able to do is fuck this shit i give up i am not strong enough and i know it is pathetic and cowardly yes you are right i am a fucking coward piece of scum so please kill me already,Depression +39697,what are some thing i should get in order before i go i d like to either sell or toss most of my thing plan on paying off the little debt i have writing goodbye making sure nobody see anything traumatic what are some thing one would do or not do before death not looking for help or pitty just something i might be forgetting thanks,Depression +39698,nothing is worse than this,Depression +39699,is anyone there maybe someone just up to talk i haven t had a hug since i wa a kid do anyone care about me lately my medication is weak or not working i just had cocaine and more medication i dont care too much anymore anyone up for a chat or something or not probably let hope the big nothing is better will it be good enough to od edit cool so did sme reading itll probably suffice sorry y all this will be it let hope probably here for a bit more until i sign off amp x 00b edit cheer i canceled my plan with my friend tomorrow based on some thread like http www reddit com r ama comment oa pdz i overdosed on antipsychotic yesterday ama http www reddit com r ama comment oa pdz i overdosed on antipsychotic yesterday ama http www reddit com r youshouldknow comment emqvvk ysk overdosing on antidepressant is not easy or http www reddit com r youshouldknow comment emqvvk ysk overdosing on antidepressant is not easy or or others all i need is a good day and not be found maybe i wake up later for some last word if this is it please enjoy with me frans listz little bell a k a la campanella,Depression +39700,i told them about my suicidal thought and that i don t know how long i would be gone it just got so much easier now the thought of killing myself i mean i originally planned to do it when i wa 9 but thing have changed the thing i wa afraid of wa abandoning my friend now all they all know is that i m taking a break if i just did it they would think i moved on not knowing what actually happened to me thinking that i got better,Depression +39701,someone i thought loved me my ex fianc of six year just told me i should go kill myself oh and just a few week ago he said i should go hang myself so i guess i can just go do it now clearly everyone in my life will be better off if i just end it all now i finally got confirmation of that oh do it on your birthday so you can go out the same day you came in april 9th is my birthday so i guess it s happening he cheated on me on my birthday last year anyways and knocked that girl up so i guess it s time now i should start preparing and i ve been trying to get rid of all my stuff and give it to friend or donate it anyways my camera are going to my best friend my video game and console can go to my nephew i have another niece or nephew on the way that i won t get to meet but it s ok i guess it s better that way i am giving my clothes to domestic violence shelter and a couple friend i m going to give all my art supply to my best friend too i have ton of unopened canvas and paint i m going to give my book to the library in my hometown i ve got a little over a month i think i can do it then i have a surgery i fought for for over year on the th but there s really no point in doing it now i guess i ll just call them and tell them i back up give my spot to someone who need it my sister ha her gender reveal on the th so i guess that will be my goodbye they won t even know it but i will tell them i love them a lot and in my note i ve written page upon page of apology for being a failure of a daughter and sister hopefully they forgive me i had a long note for my ex fianc but i m not giving one anymore he s far away and my family hate him so there s no guarantee he d get it even if i wanted to i have been wanting to die for year since i wa little i first broke a mirror and cut myself at the age of fucking i ve had nearly ten different attempt i think it s finally time i don t want to live anymore and i finally got permission by someone who claimed to love me that i should just do it so in a way it wa a huge gift from him to say that i am thankful for it it gave me peace i can just do it now and be done with it so honestly awesome i m so relieved,Depression +39702,i m tired two month clean in hour and yet i am still so hollow i ve driven everyone away i tell myself that it s fine when the suicidal ideation come i tell myself to shut up just one more hour i ll tell myself live another day and maybe you won t fuck it up but i always do maybe i have done some good maybe i m not wholly horrible it s all a lie deep down i know that i am on six attempt to kill myself i m sure this one will be my seventh it s fine,Depression +39703,ive been suicidal for a long time now ive actually pussied out twice now and no one know i have a s o but because of no free time we only really see each other at school which is not the place to cry every time we try and plan something someone s parent are always there so it s never really safe to just vent alone and my parent are half the problem i face constant pressure for my sport from my mother meaning i barely have free time in fact ive barely been free at all this year with the exception of a few weekend and day in a holiday period even then i m usually busy at some point either the next weekend or every other time in the holiday my father left when i wa five but that s a whole other story the reason he left ha been bothering me for so long and despite how much he talk good about other thing i do he belief that i shouldn t follow any dream and should just become a lawyer and im too scared to talk back a he ha beat me before for littler thing neither of them believe that they are problematic and if i told them they would blame each other which would only make me feel worse every day i get closer to truly killing myself but i don t want to make my friend sad,Depression +39704,i am just three month away from graduation and couple of week i found i wa gon na get suspended for plagiarism copied a lab report but today it wa confirmed that it s gon na be a year of suspension all that i ve worked is down the drain all of the job offer are worthless everything in my life is ruined now i ve decided to end the painful misery and say my goodbye tonight i hope my family get through this looking for least painful way to kill myself,Depression +39705,i just wanted to put it out there for after the fact,Depression +39706,my mood change fast and i don t think i am bipolar a it s usually a reason why my mood change and it can all change in a day like i m in a good mood and then like couple hour past and i just get negative thought and i m down again like i already lost people this year my ex best friend who used to be my best friend like year ago and losing him a a friend this year didn t really hurt a it wa my decision to cut him out of my life he wa a real bad narcissist and probably a sociopath so cutting him out felt good the one thing that hurt is losing my sister a we used to be so close but recently she became a lot more social and ha a lot of friend and she doesn t even want to speak to me or spend time with me anymore even though i m the older sibling i m and she s 0 it s just scary how easy people can just leave your life and even though i have a best friend that is good to me and i am talking to a girl but i m just worried it will end a i m just bad with my emotion probably because of my anxiety i m really not sure how i can get better like sometimes i feel great it feel like euphoric even like i m more hyper talkative and confident but it never last long and then i m just back to my usual mood just being sad depressed and anxious i know somethings wrong with me probably i tried cbt therapy for anxiety and depression but it didn t really help me i m on an antidepressant a well which ha never worked on me i just take it a it make me sleep i hate living like this i just want to smoke weed and get drunk so that i can stop all the negative thought and i hate it it feel like my life is a mess it s so much effort to get out of my bed and i just hate my life like wtf sometimes i feel like going to thailand and becoming spiritual or something,Depression +39707,i ve been with my fianc two year we are both trans men in our mid 0 he ha been severely traumatized and ha ptsd for the past year especially after starting a grueling job that take up most of his time he ha become more and more depressed and suicidal he ha a history of multiple attempt i try to encourage him to talk listen and validate distract with humor and cheer and offer way to help i m not perfect and a lot of time i think i just make it worse by doing or saying the wrong thing or just maybe how i am i ve offered to pay for a hospitalization i ve offered to help call for therapist i ve offered to support him with saving so he can quit his job and take some time to heal but he refuse he won t accept any financial help i argue that his health is more important long term than money for the future but he won t accept it he can t trust his family either he oscillates between desperately wanting mental healthcare and mistrusting it due to a totally reasonable reaction to past experience lately it s just been so bad he is so dysphoric and every time he s reminded of his appearance he begin to spiral i can see it tonight he told me it s been the same a long a he can remember that he can t enjoy anything that he think about doing it every minute i listened and tried to comfort him and after a while asked if i can set a day to leave voicemail for some therapist he said i ve been trying to do that for the past two month i said i would sit down with him to help tomorrow and he didn t answer me he looked completely dead inside he told me he wanted to be alone and went to sleep on the couch he is asleep right now i feel like the weight of this is so heavy on me he is such a kind loving smart and beautiful person inside and out the person i want to marry and spend my life with but i feel like that person is disappearing into a void a year ago he had so much life in his eye i have severe adhd and anxiety and also am autistic i struggle a lot with executive functioning and forget important thing constantly i think i might by nature be a bad support though i try my best i probably seem distant and apathetic often i will never give up on him but i m barely capable of managing myself and i know i can t handle this alone i know i should not have to but it is how it is it s really getting to me and i have been becoming extremely depressed myself for the first time in a while we are set to marry in under a year i think delaying the wedding might take stress off but it feel like any major change i suggest would freak him out i just don t know every time he go out alone i m worried i could lose him i make sure not to be overly invasive or anything if i called the hospital or his parent he say it would just make thing worse i m just hoping when this job end in a couple of month he will be able to breathe a little i love him so much and my heart is hurting i m so scared i think he need more friend therapy time to himself and a different job but a much a i ve tried to i can t make that happen for him i feel so lost i just don t know there is no answer,Depression +39708,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +39709,i just need to figure out a fool proof plan and figure out how to say goodbye to my friend and family without being suspicious and getting hospitalized again i really don t wan na hurt my loved one but they don t act like they really care anyways i wa living for other people but i have no one anymore so there s not much to live for anymore i have bipolar and borderline personality disorder and my existence is painful day by day i m just posting here basically to get advice because if i do this wrong again and live through it i will hate myself even more also i have tried getting help from any and everywhere that i can and it s still this way i ve lived my year and i m at peace with my choice at this point,Depression +39710,i don t know what i m doing wrong everyone always leaf me,Depression +39711,i just took the pill i don t know how many it ll take but i m just going to keep eating them one by one until they re all gone i feel so bad for everyone i hope i really don t fuck up anybody s life by ending mine,Depression +39712,hi i m m from texas and i d like to talk to someone that feel like they don t belong i d love to do my best to help out anyone and everyone i don t judge and i will happy to talk to anyone and if you so happen to end up having a crush on me then let me know i will always be here to talk to you and i will never leave you to be alone without a damn good reason i don t care who you are or what you are i m straight but that won t stop me from helping everyone out no matter their sexuality i hope that we can become good friend and i d love to maybe meet yall one day i m here for yall to vent to or yell at or just absolutely destroy if you need to just message me and i ll do my best to help you,Depression +39713,i can t do this anymore the secret the fear that oh no i say something wrong and boom my friend all hate my as i m worried anything i say will tip one of my friend off the edge and she ll do it idk what to do anymore i have a plan but also i m terrified of death,Depression +39714,i m always so sad i hate who i am i wish i wa never born i wan na kill myself but i get too scared i always regret not going through with it i ll never be happy why do other people get to be happy and confident but i can t i wish someone would push on the train track i purposely stand on the edge so someone would it i really wan na tell someone i know but i don t wan na seem like an attention seeker i don t want then to make a big deal or just not care that ll make me feel worse i try hard not to make it obvious so idk i have every i need to kill myself exit bag but i m just scared i know people say suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem but my problem feel permanent,Depression +39715,i did it while they were talking in the living room area of our hotel room they talk so much and so loud they didn t even realize i wa in the bathroom dying my attempt failed your body naturally won t let you die this way but whatever i ll try to find another way to kill myself because i m tired of living i want to just die,Depression +39716,my friend recently tried to kill themselves and i feel responsible in a way i feel like i should ve let them know i want to help i am sitting by the toilet hyperventilating and vomiting with a panic attack and i want to see them please help i give it out too much now i realize i need it,Depression +39717,hi guy it s late night now here in my time zone i can t shake down the urge to go to the building rooftop and take a leap it s story tall should i do it please tell me a logically sensible suggestion my reason my family got covid 9 the past month but it affected my otherwise healthy 0 year old dad the most within a couple of week of infection including 0 day isolated hospital confinement thing just kept getting worse so he wa moved to another hospital for icu confinement and there went into lung failure doctor decided on intubation thing didn t stop there and currently he is on ecmo in a different hospital it s been about month and he is yet to show any progress i work and used to live alone but recently we all have been together from my fam s side my dad is the only breadwinner and he controlled their finance so naturally i took the heat during his absence a a stopgap running his business for a couple of month paying bill and medical expense food etc i have burnt through all my personal saving sold my cryptos and taken all the possible loan just to stay afloat with the expense this ha made me terribly depressed and made me unable to continue working since last week by the end of this month i can t even pay my dad s insurance premium in that case the policy is gon na lapse because of month of non payment i don t see a way out of this i need about 0k just to cover the due and maybe another 0k for the future expense at this point i can t get out or stop this snowball effect my mom isn t willing to work nor doe she have the experience to work any decent job my si just finished her high school but is trying for a job anyway even if we all work in this place we can t possibly make a dent in the due and expense all of this is taking my self control off i feel like i ll snap and go insane any moment but i and my dad have life insurance policy my dad s policy is just gon na pay 00k if ever on the other hand my head can pay out a quarter million dollar claim it can solve all the problem and save their life i can also get this miserable life to stop hurting me any further i like to think logically philosophically and pragmatically i don t see a better option than this should i do it tldr my healthy 0 year old dad got covid 9 went into lung failure and is currently on maximum life support on ecmo i ve bankrupted myself supporting my fam and am still in need of about 0k or more to settle the due and for further expense i m at the verge of insanity from all the pressure i ve a life insurance worth 0k should i do the deed and let my fam claim the benefit so that they can solve everything and live better life sorry for any bad english thanks in advance,Depression +39718,why am i this person i love writing reading scholarship academia but each of those field are rightly inaccessible to me i am unintelligent i have nothing to contribute but my work ethic which is practically useless every article and book i read confirms this i wish i could be satisfied with menial work i wish i could let these aspiration go it is ridiculous and self indulgent to pine after thing that are so obviously out of my reach,Depression +39719,so in the last night i drink a lot nothing not normal for me and then everytime e drunk to much i enter in a spiral of shame i encounter my mother and i felt ashamed because i wa so drunk and my father is a alcoolic i drop a dish and the thing scalated e begun to cry and cut my self with the piece of glass without knowing what i wa doing it happens so many time when i drunk to much i tend to self harm and self heatred i just dont like anymore what my mother see in me im ashemed of myself how dare i put my mother in so much struggle because i wa drunk and begun act of self harm from dropping a dish i will go to a psychologist today i love my mum and everytime e break her heart i cut myself and begun a spiral of mental fog knife amp x 00b help me i love my mom,Depression +39720,i havent left my house in week i quit my job i spend a good of my day cry i dont know what s happening to me my skin took a complete 0 this year and destroyed any little self confidence i had left ha anyone else felt like this before all i can think about is my skin it taking up my life not only is it unbearable to look at it s painful and itchy and i can not afford a dermatologist looking at myself in the mirror always result in a full blown panic attack i end up hyperventilating on the floor i have cried to the point of vomiting many time i hate that it ha this power over me it s such a silly thing to worry about and i know that but it is absolutely destroying me it is a continuous cycle this constant stress only result in more breakout i feel trapped in my own skin talking about this in real life make me sound vain i wish someone would understand the cry seems to never stop and i havent slept in day now edit this wa not a suggestion for skincare tip for me it is not a simple a diet or hydration it is genetics and hormonal unfortunately,Depression +39721,i have a lazy eye and am overweight and i have a bowel problem which make me smell even with these attribute i ve managed to fall in love get married and have a daughter but i keep getting this urge since i wa to end it all it doesn t help that my family doesn t want anything to do with me or my child hell my baby is year old and my mother ha yet to see her or even call the shitty part is she life an hour away i keep on thinking what s the point of trying so hard to keep people who don t even want you in their life i love my daughter but i just want ti end it i ve been fighting off and on with my wife over small stuff because i m not home enough i have to travel for work week at a time because we can t afford for me to quit and honestly sometimes it feel like she s just with me because she can stay at home and not work long story short i m tired of trying to keep up the illusion that i m happy the only thing that make me happy is reminiscing about holding my daughter when i m on the road but it s getting harder and harder to keep going,Depression +39722,i have a like bottle of pill on my counter that are my old antidepressant i don t want to live anymore but i know if i fail i ll be in so much trouble what do i do,Depression +39723,caused me to choke on my dinner and puke up half a chicken or maybe the chicken wa poisoned how do i know,Depression +39724,im so tired,Depression +39725,a miscommunication happened which caused my grade to not appear in the record everyone is blaming me for it calling me a liar saying i didn t go to class they want to expel me i admit it i skip a lot but if i have a test i swallow my tongue and go no one will believe me even with the evidence because i m a bad student and a delinquent i ve been the subject of whole as council meeting because of me being trans which is considered very disrespectful to the school i m seriously considering suicide my whole family hate me my friend are all doing better than me i need to go to med school i need to fix this but it seems impossible please i need someone to tell me i can do it i need someone to tell me it s not too late for me please tell me i still have time to fix this for the first time in my life i need to hear something because i feel like i m going insane please just tell me it will be ok,Depression +39726,i just cant stop thinking about my ex i loved her now that she doesnt want me in her life at all anymore i dont know how to cope and what to do im helpess i really dont see a future for myself,Depression +39727,i dont even deserve to live,Depression +39728,i had plan for the future big plan they don t exist anymore a relatively recent assault took them from me the assault also took away my ability to enjoy being out of my house the thing that once made me happy no longer do i can t take care of myself i m on med but they don t help i get up and go through the motion but on the inside i am dying i am just a shell of who i once wa what s even the point why am i still trying,Depression +39729,i m a year old girl i ve dealt with some stuff yk my best friend took her own life some month ago and it s been v hard i keep having awful gruesome nightmare about people i love getting hurt or hurting themselves it ruin my day i feel like my mind is torturing itself it end up ruining my life cuz i m always so out of it i think my brain s broken i just wan na die so it can end feeling nothing is better than torture after all,Depression +39730,it seems there is no more joy in this world the world ha literally gone to shit it s scary and truly saddening people fighting for climate change having protest a if that s gon na change a goddam thing everyone is diagnosed with some type of mental illness even if they re not they tell you they suffer from some type of anxiety and depression there s 0 originality these day i don t even remember 0 when i look outside everything appears in a darker shade everyone is trying to bring back old trend specifically the early 000s and reselling clothes item from that era at an insane price which piss me off everyone feel nostalgic bringing up memory from the past anytime before 0 0 more than ever these day which make me even more sick because we can t relive those year nothing to ever look forward to no good music no nothing everyone piss me off there is truly no one like me and if there is well i m sure they live very far from where i m at earlier i wa thinking about vine and how that turned into musically and how that turned into tiktok which is just filled with such inappropriate vids i had to delete it because my fyp wa filled with people romanticizing eating disorder and people deliberately showing their fresh self harm cvts this generation is seriously mentally ill i m so exhausted from living all i fucking do is complain because there s too much shit to complain about this world just keep turning into a more dark and darker place and the fact that people are still having kid in a world like this even during the pandemic is just beyond me there s clearly no hope for any of u i can t keep living in a world like this and then the fact that i have to slave at work while my manager sleep downstairs or is sitting on his as getting paid minimum wage is just insane i don t understand how people have put up with this for so long every day i get closer to the day i planned to take my life and i don t even know how i feel about it and some day i feel nothing yea call me a coward but at least i ll be gone no more dealing with this stupid shit and stupid as new yorkers the most dumbest people i ve ever came across,Depression +39731,goodbye discord friend you were the only one to show me kindness even if it did end up being fake goodbye dad i m sorry you weren t here to see me in my final moment goodbye xchara you might been fake but you were someone who wa never rude to me goodbye self harm this is a bit of a stretch but you kept me alive for so long and i m thankful writing this down there s not much it s sad it s embarrassing but i ve said my goodbye there s nothing left now i ll hopefully be dead in a couple of hour goodbye anyone reading this i hope i don t come back,Depression +39732,i want to die i don t know if i want to kill myself but i honestly don t really care i just want to die and not be conscious and not be an i and have no ability to experience anything or remember anything or think about anything i don t care if it will get better i don t care if i ll be happy one minute later i don t care that i m irrational right now and i m thinking something that a level headed version of me would obviously be above i hate being conscious i can t sleep because i hate waking up i can t make myself faint because i hate waking up i can t escape to other story or music or feeling or stimulation because i hate waking up i just want to die and die and die and die and die and stay dead forever i don t want to do this anymore i don t want to identify a an i i don t want to be an agent i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to stop living i want to die i m stupid and bad and spiteful and upset and i want to die i don t want help i don t want to be happy i don t want to want to not die i want to die,Depression +39733,i wouldn t necessarily say i don t know what i really want in life it s more like i m still experimenting on what i enjoy to draw and to make a career out of it hopefully replace it with the current job i m working in a for the current job i m working a a custodian housing custodian at a university it s a lot of work and you got to be extremely fast pace and versatile i m diagnose with chronic depression anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder it s so hard trying to keep up everyone s expectation i m always slow and having a hard time trying to finish everything i just feel like i m letting people down and i try so hard to push myself over my limit to match theirs i can only do what i can and i even told my supervisor about my disorder to accomodate me which he did but i still feel like perhaps i m not the right canidate and i m fearing the call of being fired and getting complaint for not finishing certain amount of floor on time my mindset so far i m doing what i can and if it s not enough then i tried my best but i know with my mental disorder i will go back down the spiral i called my supervisor and express my frustration even though he said everyone adores me and i m being too hard on myself i know these compliment won t last long i really don t want to quit this job but i feel like shit when i m bringing other people down with my slow dumbass illness,Depression +39734,i ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thought for a couple of year now i don t know why but i also have the worst anxiety and it cause me to overthink everything and ruin my own life anytime i m near a stranger i can only think about if i m breathing too loud or weird and when people look at me i just want to disappear because i m afraid their laughing at me or something i cry a lot and i feel bad because dude aren t supposed to cry so much i hate work too i work at home depot and i feel like every person think i m weird and is laughing at me for something i just want to make my family proud and be successful but i have such terrible intrusive thought and i hate it i ve also never really had a real girlfriend i dated in middle school and i feel like the biggest loser because of it i just don t understand why we live our life knowing we re gon na die anyways even if your the richest man your still gon na die the best looking or most healthy person is still gon na die so what s the point,Depression +39735,in the last 0 day i lost the love of my life my home my cat my job and my will to live today i got covid so now i cant even look for a new job so i ll lose the new apartment got no friend some family but they dont care i m out of reason to continue help,Depression +39736,never had a girl friend all i ever wanted wa a wife and kid even more than money i have zero friend the only people i ever hang out with are my parent i gamble a lot i am scrawney with a beer gut and twig arm what the fuck i can barely finish any college course i live in an apartment and cant see how i can ever afford a house i am taking my life tonight no point in living anymore depression fuckin suck,Depression +39737,i struggled with suicidal thought around year ago i m being treated for my cptsd and since then id been doing better but for some reason these past few week the thought have come back theyre le frequent but they re there im not going to do it i just want them to stop i dont want to feel like this again,Depression +39738,i ve essentially given up given up a much a i m allowing myself to sometimes i don t eat for day and then when i do eat it s sporadic and unhealthy i ve stopped exercising i never really took care of the eczema on my skin i just use a an excuse to self harm do a lot of addictive thing a well nothing too insane it s mostly just to numb my feeling i haven t left my apartment imsince january rd since there s a convenience store and laundry room here i have unhealthy fantasy about a life that doesn t exist because i can t seem to enjoy mine at all i don t believe in myself and it keep me from doing hardly anything at all other than what it take to survive i ve never really succeeded in life and have always just been a bit of a joke despite wanting to do thing i wa always discouraged by others or mostly my own lack of ability motivation i don t think therapy would work for someone like me you have to want therapy and actively do it i actively work against myself because i think it only a matter of time before people just give up on me that or i push everyone away first i make mock gun motion out of reflex and i ve never owned a gun i have the simple thought of death most day my roommate nearly caught me the other night looking over our balcony i just don t get it i have no direction and it seems like most activity eventually just upset me i either stay stagnant the way i am and achieve nothing but stay safe and comfortable while also going insane from a lack of fulfillment or i try to bear being upset and uncomfortable through a bunch of random thing throughout my life probably ending up something that isn t really worth it for the struggle they both sound awful and i get it life isn t fair maybe i don t want to participate when thing aren t fair,Depression +39739,whenever i don t follow through with a plan i feel so stupid i wish i had the ball to just do it and every time i don t i feel like an idiot i m once again making a plan and upsetting myself knowing i won t follow through it make me want to just do it here and now to prove to myself i can but then that s not sticking to the plan i just feel so so stupid,Depression +39740,i am i live at home i have a boring low paying job housing is impossible to afford and i m in a long distance queer relationship i have bpd dysthymia cptsd i don t think that my perception of reality is something that i could ever trust i m in therapy i m medicated nothing is really helping since i have relationship destroyer disease obviously my relationship is not doing the best entirely because i can t perceive anything for what it is i self sabotage constantly and i ruin everything i touch nothing feel real and everything feel dependent on whatever is happening in the moment i don t trust myself i will continue to ruin my own happiness for the rest of my life because treatment doesn t fucking help me with this shit ive been doing some ideation thinking about a plan i don t want to die and leave everyone behind but being here is too much for me to do forever i m and it feel like i m 9 i m so tired already and i m so scared i feel so alone i just want it to be over,Depression +39741,i am going to die tonight goodbye,Depression +39742,what do you say when you re told it get better with time it s been the heaviest thing to do when it come to holding myself up i had a hard 0 0 lost my brother best friend and stepdad to suicide and overdose i thought i wa ok i wa so wrong wound up losing my job then my wife decided that she wa better off with me she is probably right so all of 0 i m loosing everyone and every thing spouse life we haven t spoke in over a year iv tried to she is idk i try so hard to move forward though i m not getting anywhere i want to die i can t find the right answer to evolving and being able to engage with life it s been over a year she s great amp thriving i try to do myself in last saturday i tried to leave the car running in my garage and just drift away i couldn t even die right my car ran out a gas all i got wa a head ache and a lot deeper into my pit i ve been looking at and repositioning m pistal hopefully i can get down to business with it soon i know it s better if i do i m worth more in insurance than in life experience why can t i be good at this why am i abandoned in my darkest point they say give it time it s gon na be ok it s a lie time pass for them and i watch it just go by so i say goodbye and if i cross your mind later on know i foght until i couldn t the war in me is to much so it s me i choose my end instead of being this way or loosing touch and hurting someone who ha a good future,Depression +39743,i m year old diagnosed with gouty arthritis at and i ve been battling with myself for almost a year now and it ha gotten to the point where i m tired of living this tuesday morning at am i tried to commit suicide my second attempt on taking my own life in le than a year and yet i ve still managed to fail once more i wa able to get at least hour of sleep but nothing more and that s the best i can get from a day just sleep wishing and praying to god to take my life every night passing away in my sleep best way possible imho for the last few month i ve been starting all my day and ending in tear soaking my pillow i m constantly emotionally unstable i break down in the middle of my lecture and i m genuinely tired of feeling sad and having different type of emotion on a daily basis i m lacking enormously in motivation to keep on living my mind is a thinking machine and won t stop thinking about all the suicidal way i could end my pain most of the time i ask myself why me i used to be an energetic kid who enjoyed doing many thing in my free time mostly gaming all by myself since i never had an opportunity to make a solid friendship so most of the time i end up talking expressing to myself because in this world there is no one here for me no one ha ever cared for me or even shared the least tiny drop of affection towards my person that s why i just don t try to make friend any more because i feel like i m a failure at it and i don t want no one to invest time in me i currently have an absurd amount of hate rage towards myself for not being able to finish everything and not looking upon my flaw and imperfection and wasting the endless opportunity of improving myself now i ll just have to live with the consequence and i m just here in this world all alone thinking and knowing that some people are doing better than me and living their best life and i envy that and i m jealous of that i m writing this deep down from a part of me that ha just a millimeter of hope of recuperating but i highly doubt i ll be able to do it i won t lie a of writing this it feel like i m getting rid of an anchor that ha been pulling me back all this time,Depression +39744,so me m my gf f killed herself i don t know why or how i feel it s all my fault my family didn t know we were dating so i don t know how to bring it up to them i can t even focus or eat now i just don t know what to do i m honestly about to end it i failed her,Depression +39745,i m have fucked up my whole life and i dont really want to kill myself but im really running out of option when i wa 9 year old i wa diagnosed with borderline disorder and all my life i have been fucking everything up relationship friendship family member job my study i have been acting very impulsive and i have aways been blaming my disorder instead for everything i ded drug use victimless crime somehow i still have some principal left hooker now today s situation is i havent felt fine in year or something like that i am on the edge of getting myself in seriously debt i live in a small shitty appartement and the only thing that ha stayed with me during all these time is my weed maybe it sound retarded i dont really know but it true i even lost my momma on the way she is not dead just doesnt want to speak to me anymore i lost all my friend because of ly shit behaviour and lie i lost a relationship of year recently and to be honest i deserve it because i can blame my disorder or the drug or whatever deep down i know it were my action and my saying that fucked it all up i know it may not be the best solution but i feel like killing myself would most certainly be the easiest way out for me sorry if this storry is shit but i am high right now and my english isnt that good,Depression +39746,i m beyond worthless i will never be able to provide anything to anyone in any capacity i m no more than a worm i just want to break everything in my house smash everything in a complete rage and finish it off with a bullet to the brain i ve never been so furious in my entire year of living im in a perpetual state of anger lately i ve started burning myself with cigarette again i push them into myself until the pain fade i do it far up my arm so no one see them at work i don t need those stupid fuck questioning me i never liked cutting myself burning hurt a lot more in my opinion it s what i deserve me being alive is fucking crime i should just fucking end it now so nobody get hurt from me i m sure my family won t give a shit they ll probably be happier with the load off their shoulder and my friend will get over it quickly it s been over a year since i ve seen them in person we ve already drifted to far from each other in our life we re basically stranger,Depression +39747,i taled pill but god decided that i shoudl stay i used to be grateful but i think he wanted me here just to burn my molester in facebook now after loosing my job and being a penniless looser with a lot of debt again i can t stop to remind all my recent mistake and wish i had died maybe if i burn the asshole before and maybe if i swalloed more pill or more alcohol i m so furious at myself right now,Depression +39748,it been year 0 month and 9 day since i last self harmed i m really trying to keep the streak going but honestly i don t know if i can make it much longer i ve been thinking of suicide heavily the past few day and i m just so tired every aspect of my life all seemed to crash and burn within the same couple day and i m so tired of cry and hurting i just feel numb but at the same time i feel so much something that i have to scream i ve been trying to be better about being positive or telling myself to keep going but is it really worth it i spent all of last night thinking about killing myself and really what would happen i hope you all have a better day tomorrow,Depression +39749,i already failed out of college once but i thought i might try again at a community college well i m about to fail out of this too and for some reason nothing in me care a a child i always kind of assumed my life would be in a great place at how na ve since i ve been miserable for a long a i can remember why would life magically get any easier i just recently pieced together that my earliest memory which i never really allowed myself to understand wa my narcissistic mother attempting to drown me when i wa about year old no wonder i m so fucked up i ve been planning on killing myself before my rd birthday for the past month or so i suppose she ll get what she wanted all along,Depression +39750,i ve been distracting myself with hobby and uni but at the end of the day i always get reminded that none of it matter they re only there to stop my train of thought from entering my mind they re just bring a split second of feeling recently picked up smoking again and it s the only thing that can temporarily bring some emotion back there s nothing worth living for why am i still alive i just don t know how to feel anymore i just want to wither away and be forgotten to close my eye every night hoping to not open them again,Depression +39751,hypothetically if someone took 9 000mg fluvoxamine mg naltrexone and 0mg lorazepam what would happen all hypothetically of course,Depression +39752,it doesn t matter anymore i m going to copy and paste my note it really doesn t matter i know i m spilling my gut out oh who care now i m lonely i m a solider to my self pride status something i fail to achieve my whole life achieving to be a boy the one my parent are proud of the only reason i m not forgotten is because i m away from home do you think they remember me i m so fine with being lonesome i could live i no longer cry i no longer care i m not deep i m not feminine i no longer attract you i m not part of them or you or your life i m not even an outcast or part of the story all my life i thought of my self a the extra in this story but i realised i m not even that i m so lonesome and not noticeable i could disappear right in this northern line i carry everything in onto me try to care that i m awake but i remember everything what have i become maybe you could have it all maybe you are the one that make his memory you re unforgettable you are the one that s not me i ve been forgotten no presence of my own the place i have for myself have never been anything but death and so it s hard to imagine a life where there s life i m apologetic towards the emotion regarding me but i m not sorry that i m here somethings in my way it might be myself never have i been so ill and treated at the same time just been treated so badly in the past that even this single bit of kindness coming from you made me feel so sane that s all i got from you half as explanation came in my house and my mouth then you d leave to someone else s house some other girl post wrestling story line when i feel scared sad sorry about a story i feel le that about my self today wow look at what u did today look at how you feel look how easy it is to resolve conflict how easy it is to lie do that again i bet u what happened that you are in a bad mood are you reminded again that nobody care leading you to my story opening my chest up with information so little you barely understand i m here waiting what will it take for you to leave this time i m still right here puzzled i live in another house now in another country with a completely different routine and identity from my last one and the other one out in this city for year feel kind of funny i can t tell what s real and fake anymore did time really passed do i even have a family am i even here million people in london how do i always managed to find the most bat shit crazy one to befriend you only filling my free time with people way to stoned to remember all of u forgetting yesterday just like i wanted so lonely can i be yours fucking unmanageable why do i always get into this messy situation i can t bare to work here anymore i m fine but bitch who want me to fail will succeed unfortunately i want to die dead groom and corpse bride i can t write anymore no song describe the desperate feeling for thing to end again i kiss them the way i wish i wa kissing you who are you though third time cry at the tube this week i m tired i wanted to ask the world is it really a bad thing to die i wanted my work to speak for me speak for it self so i don t ever even have to talk i wanted to make every work my last piece of work becuz i could be gone anytime soon i wanted every piece to be the final piece the finale maybe this situation make me feel safe no attachment no regret i never had to say goodbye to anyone except maybe lily and grandma and grandpa and mom and dad and maybe my therapist if i die here in uk i only want lily to be at my funeral literally if anyone else dare to show up i would haunt the fuck out of them for the rest of eternity you were never here when i wa alive fucking bastard thanks to my grandparent i got that little piece of my childhood that i wa genuinely happy just that little bit of time in my life who would ve know that be the last time i ll ever be happy i ve only been happy once this illness is for life making peace that it might never get better thinking of bigger idea finalising my purpose stick to my self strengthening my sorrow smoking my thought away diving into these men story one by one from my perspective dying of thirst do you think they secretly categorises u year i m still the same out shining you probably at the bottom of my stash damnnnnn i got option i have a dream my ultimate weakness is being fearless how come yesterday i wa fine and today is another day of fucking it up yesterday wa a rebirth i ve lost him great the move on period that i m sadly familiar with probably the only thing i know how to do when i know exactly what to do my path is clear and i m brave fierce today we begin the process which probably started before i even knew it did subconsciously i never had him or wanted him in the first place they re right it triggered me badly i wanted to die now i want to live at least till i get to go home non of this matter at the end of the day i have to admit i don t care about the superficial stuff i care about the ugliness amp beauty we all are capable of the ugliness that we are capable of meeting by the pizza shop aa na that i ve never attended bill i never payed harmony that sound heavenly good standing by my self haunted by i feel unstoppable fucking fearless i am ready i want to hide in ur closet and cut open your wound i can t remember the last time i spent a proper holiday with family i don t really get sad anymore you get used to it and if you ve spent holiday with my family you ll be grateful to spend it alone and again me being me i rarely remember the good time i just know the bad maybe i get a little sad because even during covid people had the hope of seeing their family this year when i already know it s not going to happen i m not scared to have nothing and no one care if you have your last night on earth who do you rather spend it with i know it s not going to be any family member it s luck to tolerate more then half an hr with them ex s not really it s the people that i don t need to speak to the people that know me by just one look the people that really know i m just describing my self i d probably want to be alone for my last night on earth my stomach is always full nobody ever get killed everyone s fine life is pretty good cutting open my wound for show watching you from a far i just can t stop it s like i want to surgically remove you from my life just cutting till i get you to leave me alone i wa trying to find comfort in you now i realise i got that with everyone once you realise the concept of abuser come from being a victim and then everything make sense now all i know my whole life is to be the other woman just never the main one about to make myself sad again if he like me he take me home put me in a box it is so weird to cum to pain then why do we do it lol why do i do it enjoy now i m feeling really complicated about tattoo because now i feel addicted this kinda of experience lol had a massive break down don t know how to feel about anything let s just wait a few day i just didn t care what happens to me anymore it just feel like an out of body experience i m still alive but i feel dead feel like i m no longer here so basically i never had a relationship i reminded him of his ex he reminded me of both of my rapist someone put a spell on me i m in a secret place i m having so much fun with my head with my thought it s no longer delusion living inside my head i just built our living room and you re right there you you you you you him and him too stop stopppppppp being an artist is not hard stick that needle right through your heart what i feel the best about the blur is gone been bothering my entire life how miserable i am i couldn t live with the fact that i wa the only one but it finally made sense took me year to realise i wa even raped just a little girl to want to know you were raped took more then just time i just didn t know what wa ok because nobody ever asked or when they do i m not even sure i m not even sure what i wanted them to do to end this end me and this point on i m forever on my own in my head shhh they don t know i m going to leave i ve been so tired cry almost everyday it s not hard to face the past it s just difficult to imagine how long it s going to take for me to hide all this so someone would finally want me i need some help i never satisfied them at all why do some girl have everything i ever wanted in life he s like drug i can t get out this feeling i don t deserve i miss him and i hate myself i wan na leave him but i hate my self too much to leave even if it s fake i wanted someone to appreciate me for fuck sake it s so bad i just stopped caring about everything nothing matter to me anymore over flooded anxiety worry about the wrong thing think about bigger plan tho but i can t help but fuxking screammnmmm into the crowded bar god why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ficking pound to go home r u serious trying to keep my love life alive i sat by the bar dodging your eye winking at you fucking in the bathroom how i wish i didn t look at you didn t share that look that moment i i wish i didn t drink running around town in the middle of the night my heart is on the edge being alone getting high on my own year later and everyone still left am i even breathing do you want me or not just tell me if u do he used to pick me up after school boarding school drive way i sneak back into my bed at am hurting because i had to leave cry because i m already hurt now he pick me up after work he said he ll see me again and i don t even know why spilling my gut out in this note app my own best friend hate me the girl that i pour my heart into she doesn t even know me i don t remember much about anything ever i m happy like that if i remember all my feeling it ll be hard to get by so dark blue i wonder why i hear picture i m gon na fly but i feel small i want him to tell me all his secret thing you don t tell anyone i ll take it off you let s me carry it for you on my shoulder very free i am the girl that thing happen to why would anyone want to see the wound that i carry i hate to lie but i probably will disappoint him exit is too late if i could just have a moment to breathe please can t take it much more then this i m taking my chance not much more love left in this either did you just wanted to have fun anyone can be my daddy today he s far far away away from me have i told anyone i don t want to be the main one it s fun behind the camera it s safe being the stalker i m comfortable stood low when i fall at least it won t even hurt liar liar i m going to keep it low this time i ll ease it in but if this time go i ll be okay too i m already broken so what if i get thrown to the ground again every men ha failed me greatly my girl and i we deserve the world i m gon na kiss her forehead in my dream i m going to hell just left his house and he s on his way to mine not sure which lie to tell because when i kill her in my dream you won t have a friend to cook with no one showed up why can t you be useful for once nothing scare me anymore he invited me to a millionaire mansion said we can do anything we want wild swim in a private lake i said i might drown drown and i want to die and i want to lie he know about me i am twenty but like chain i rust you throw me to the ground again pulling my hair my heart shattered to piece he had no idea the war i fought and finally fight i am a soldier far away from home with no one to call belongs to no one i miss their forehead kiss solid a a rock shell each ringed a bell but shamed me to hell you call you called he called a well i miss my self my old self me a a child i want her back i m going to have a kid a little girl that i m going to protect at all cost all my life i wanted to be her but who is she it s just who ever he actually want it doesn t make sense you know i won t satisfy don t have the luck going to suffer every way possible life turn into shit for my girl but they re laying under the sun she s having some fun i m picking up my ash on the floor so i smoke it again luxury fine dining cocktail every day her hair is silky when she get hurt people fight for her is it wrong i hope she get killed being bi sexual and a story teller mean i make up plot and chapter between whoever is making me jealous it s actually a really nice way to train my self from getting attached to anything at all adding story to people relationship give me a deeper understanding of in a way i no longer call my bad thought putting my self down if all my thought are bad they re no longer bad thought they re just thought first and foremost i m going to write about you and your girl this is my kind of fun i hope when i m not around she fulfil your void you can have both my body and her presence we look alike don t we i m in my own corner the voice in my head say you re alarmed people say it s impossible you d be into me i believe them why would you choose me of all people i just can t believe anyone would have anything to do with me someone who just isn t special enough to have anybody i might be a little emotional writing this missed my mood stabiliser again it s ok though you can lay your head in my tummy i bet it reminds you of hers i have found my calling i m everyone s girlfriend just ended thing with you contagious doing another test simply because i just don t trust you it is my problem i should let you go i know you re no good but you were at least nice and no one have been nice to me in a while feel calm to think about how i ll be safe and sound in my pain another story to shoot yeah it didn t make sense to me but now it doe love bombing didn t work on me even though i ve been alone for a long time thank god for putting me through shit early enough that i left early a well my bad for thinking you knew better i felt like a piece of shit again again i don t give a fuck about any of you anyways but why i never know what am of you want or need i don t understand i might be on the spectrum you know i never communicated flaw are just so deep it s like haunting through sleep am i the one stopping her happiness i never analysed why i did all those thing during elementary school that my mom had to literally befriend my teacher to make sure i m took care of i wa that troubled 9 i think of all these intruder that entered my body without my wish kelly moore s dad a white kindergarten teacher in a majority chinese school felix another white men that raped me unconsciously in the club naz in which i still not entirely sure how i got lured into i look back at my self i sometimes wondered what went wrong how i wa made the best and then the worst why did i always had a bad time why i don t remember anything why and why and why did all this happened to me i think i just had an over amount of change that now i need a giant break but i don t know how to relax i love you but who i need to love someone why do i do that when i don t know who you are i m so stressed out i can only move on being rough wa all i know just people forcing themselves onto me all the time maybe why i thought zaineb wa so special and i m not ready to have that again even thought iain count a my first love i think zaineb wa when i completely trusted someone i just feel wrong and not accepted i guess i had another thought all those time they ve touched me just touching me everyone not just at the club it be when i wa getting take out shopping at the super market i never said anything why didn t i every time i look in the mirror i see myself disappearing into a bubble i wish i wa brand new i wish i wa soft and clean fresh off the boat too i wish i still believed in the world and white men you guy are losing me bit by bit day by day faded into the background i guess for now i know there s more to life than romance and belonging there s knowledge and creation story line and peacefulness in nature i realised that s when i m most allowed to stay is when i realised i m not rejected by the other side i m not rejected by hell a place that ll understand me may devil protect me and be by my side got ta stop having death fantasy must be a reason why i m fortunate and not is it karma or wealth abused or wa i too spoiled to think i deserve happiness is it karma or illness it must be karma right i know everything about you i usually prepare my research before i meet you a guy anyone i go through your family photo your ex the girl you slept with before me and potentially after me too i spot for lie matching the story you told me with evidence the fun part is researching the girl you are fucking i can feel my heart beat it like an electrical rush of anxiety it s quite an easy and intimate process a i realised my instinct is right every time by the way this is the time where i note down possible event that might happen in the future if this is torture then i don t know what fun is solving this puzzle i uncover every step a i am walking through your living room i give a fuck about you everyday ever since my first project i want to know everything the truth of story that s happening to me i need truth i need clue i need to find out if i m the other woman why do you want to know thing you shouldn t know ugliest ugliest truth still better than lie in my opinion and when i learned the fact that i am nothing in your story this is where i imagine love story that involves the girl you actually like is this process psychopathic i think it s a poetic way of practicing being a wife haven t wrote shit in a minute i guess i don t know what to say anymore i need to get going nothing ha been working fuck u all listening to he talk a i sit there again and again with my mouth shut still taste the cum in the back of my throat we expect the extreme every time we meet i always walk into your empty house the house you shared with her for year convincing myself that i don t care about you anyways ever since i haven t been able to learn or live i ve just been getting by and ruining my own life maybe it wasn t even that traumatic but i had to have an excuse for something right i guess i wa pale and green i became dumb never shared a thing fell short when my friend are watching film i watch now i read now i wouldn t have done the same for him filled my life with horror escaping intoxicated insane fucked so good fun fun fun you don t know half of the shit i actually go through you just think i m a simple whore i could be for you i wear black tights and two silk bow tie on the tip of my knee get all the way down i wait they always tell me to stay where i am because my back is arched and my as is in the air all the thing that made me who i am i bet her art is even wholesome and not pain then i worried i m not ur enough hey i feel better now still remember me what you ve been up to im not sure writing you from afar i m just getting to know myself why would i forget you i wa just trying to forget my self i m leaving london soon just like how i left china just like how i left la and like i left china again when will i ever return there s no more looking back my family s fed and i have some money under my name the only fortunate thing little fire lit in my world will never have the glory they once have i m not extraordinary enough but cool to have fun recently my family discovered that i am american a real american a real person with a passport that doesn t require month of quarantine a real passport that doesn t need a visa a real world i m freed and you don t understand i m trying to free my family too come i ll swallow all the feeling you might have may i open wide and welcome you inside up and down spending time with men that want anything but me ex and ex never ending dark hole of a modern bitch clear whiskey glass amp cocktail you never payed for her spend it all on me you never called no one did,Depression +39753,sorry to ask again i m just not doing great at the moment if i do hypothetically end my life and prior to it i end session with my therapist he wouldn t get in trouble right he doesn t deserve to get in trouble or lose licensure over me if that make sense doe anyone have info on this,Depression +39754,they knew this life isn t worth living and gave all their possession to their family i want to do the same so my friend and family benefit from my death i want to be dead my family and friend get all my stuff everyone win i m 00 fucking worthless and everything i consume is for no reason every friend and partner just stay with me out of pity and i want to pay them back i plan on hanging myself in my garage and calling 9 just before so they find my body instead of someone innocent i don t want to hurt i don t know why i m posting here tbh i guess i m looking for any reason not to suicide hotlines are just more depressing with the same scripted word in between question trying to find out where you are so they can call someone to your place this is just going to lead to more frustration and probably huge hospital bill and embarrassment anyone else feel this way what s keeping you from doing it,Depression +39755,sorry if this is kinda confusing and messed up i have a hard time putting my thought into word i f would sometimes get suicidal thought whenever i wa going through a bad panic attack but after i calmed down those thought would just disappear and i wa always sure that i would never do that stuff because i knew i only thought that a a quick escape from all the emotional pain and anxiety i wa going through but today those thought wouldn t get out of my head and i d find myself zoning out and planning on how to do it i wasn t even panicking about anything more like just feeling empty and depressed about my current and future life i ve been fighting everyday to feel some genuine happiness in myself and love for others so i can stop putting on this fake smile so everyone doesn t worry about me i miss it so fucking much and lately i ve been getting spark of those feeling again but they quickly dwindle away but now with these thought creeping in i feel like this battle that i ve been fighting for so long is pointless i don t even see a future for myself the people that i love in this life are slowly being consumed with negativity and become more and more toxic to me everyday and i ve noticed myself gaining that same negativity towards others and life and while i know that they re probably going through some stuff and i have sympathy for them it draining me and i can t be around them any longer since they clearly don t want change life been getting hard for me and it sucking the light out of me i don t know what to do about these thought but they won t get out of my fucking head and i m scared they ll get even worse please help me,Depression +39756,so im depressed and right now i m getting more and more suicidal it started with intrusive thought imagining myself in many violent suicide scenario but right now i m seriously considering suicide because it get worse and worse and i have no idea when my life will improve in any way i m trans and i haven t started transitioning yet i don t even feel like i m living i m just wasting my life leaving a something in between because i m not a woman but literally no one see me a a man even i myself feel like a joke instead of proper guy even when i m not depressed it s not like i m functioning normally i have adhd with executive dysfunction a my worst symptom and i also have asd so i always and up being awkward or off or not acting not properly in any social setting i feel awful all the time and i constantly vent to my friend even though despite them sort off telling thats okay i know how annoyed by this they are and how little they care and even though i understand fully i m hurt by this because almost every time when i m available i m listening and trying to give my best support if they need to vent especially with one of my friend we can end up on a meeting when 90 of the time she s the only one talking but when i message them anything i know i do that a lot but still even if they even bother to read it i usually get one word response or just sad emojis i don t know i just every day feel like there s le thing important for me to keep going the only thing that kept me from even considering suicide a some real option wa vision of starting my life a my true gender and not wanting to traumatise people close to me but transitioning seems like it won t happen anytime soon and every day spent in my body feel like hell i m not even exaggerating i get constantly flight or fight response triggered by my own body and with people close to me i m getting more distant from them every day most of the time i don t have energy for anyone but when i sort of do i m still super irritable i just got super distant from my friend i feel that i know nothing about most of them and the closest one are just annoyed by my constant low mood or i m annoyed by them feeling like they need to criticise my behaviour like smoking or not being able to motivate myself to do thing i won t even start talking about my ex he just make my day worse just by being around me and that s all the time i don t know i just feel like no one care about me in a meaningful way my friend either criticise me or give me meaningless support my parent don t take my issue seriously they literally wan na take me of all my med in about two month which would fuck me up because it would mean no more focus on anything lack of adhd med no more sleep some anxiety med that i use for my sleep trouble and i would quit my antidepressant which i started to take in le than two week ago my psychologist is caring about me only because she s paid and even though i like her she s still isn t able to help me and i m still not able to open up to her either cause of fear of being honest about my feeling or because of my shitty memory that cause to remember me all the wrong thing at the wrong time i feel like this mini personal hell won t end soon and even if it will it won t mean that all my issue will go away i m stuck with being trans awkward and having adhd for the rest of my life no matter what i do and i don t want it to be this way,Depression +39757,should i go check into a hospital again i ve admitted myself more time than i can remember over the year for depression suicidal ideation not to mention the attempt where i should be dead i have some good friend amp family i know i m blessed in way but have endured so much sexual trauma a a kid amp later in life amp have ptsd borderline personality extreme anxiety sometimes amp addiction issue i don t think i want to go on much longer what s the point,Depression +39758,i guess part of me didn t really want to die so i m heading back home now,Depression +39759,i am reading all those post and asking myself can i help them or am i also one of them the answer is not shocking but all i can understood one thing the other people don t understood u they stop understanding u in first place when we go silent fewest of few nudge u no matter what but personally i stop responding to express my thought or emotion to tell them what i feel and how i feel because i fear it might effect their vicinity of thought and people around them so i pushing people around me so i might be in misery yet not dragging any of my anchor it is and always hard to say goodbyeno matter what but doe it worth it i am in utter limbo state of life where i don t know what i should do i am clueless and lifeless about my next step i don t know what should i do where living is not an option but dying is not also one,Depression +39760,i am 0f no longer living with my family my little sister newly yr ha been struggling with depression and self harm for a while now but it recently ha gotten worse like a lot worse she is cutting a lot searching for way to kill herself googling about eating disorder her only friend always play the who s more depressed game she see a therapist but doesnt open up most recently she ha been messaging a 9m which my parent will be handling with the police what do i do i ve been depressed and sent to mental hospital for sh so i do understand a bit i just don t know how to help her i don t want to lose her and i don t want her to be in this much pain i love her more than anything more than myself,Depression +39761,the only reason i can t bring myself to do it is the thought of my mom coming to wake me up and finding me dead or the rest of my family feeling burdened by it we ve already lost a cousin of mine to suicide barely two year ago i don t want to do that to them it s the only reason i haven t yet if only i could stop being so damn empathetic to my own detriment i could just stab myself and finally be free,Depression +39762,i don t have access to a gun and after attempting and going unconscious i don t think i could go through the pain and fear of hanging again i want to overdose with something like fentanyl i guess the only thing i m scared of is getting arrested because of it is there a possession with intent to overdose law do you think i d be charged for more information yo minor perfectly clean record except legal hold for suicide never touched any kind of drug including alcohol legally mentally disabled have a 0 for depression and anxiety,Depression +39763,everything every good thing that ha happend to me so far is a lie they re all the thing that are used against me to burn me alive i m so sorry that i dedicate my all towards something only to see it fail and burn right in front of my eye i deserve nothing but pain i m a waste of space god doesnt exist he would never be okay with all that ha been happening to me why cant i just fucking go peacefully i m tired of cry,Depression +39764,my boyfriend is suicidal he s almost attempted separate time thankfully i ve stopped him i know he sometimes cut himself very small cut but he just sent me a photo of photo of a drawing he made of u using his own blood he wrote cute thing all over it but he literally used his own blood so i feel like he s thinking about attempting since he put angel wing on his back what do i do i don t want him hurting himself anymore i make sure to spend a much time with him a possible and even though we re both we both truly love each other i just have no idea how to handle this like should i go over to his house to see how he s doing his parent could care le about him im the only one who s ever there for him what should i do i need help,Depression +39765,i slept for hour straight yesterday it felt really good i wish i could do that everyday,Depression +39766,people freak out when i tell them i m going to commit suicide,Depression +39767,context grew up in a pretty abusive family and always wanted to jill myself even a a young child it get worse till couldn t cope and went to child service at age a i felt i wa going crazy i wa removed from my family and never saw my mum sister again my suicidal thought seem to not always be here now but come in wave i m feeling pretty suicidal now a my gf left me but it made me reminiscent of my last suicidal episode about a year ago this wa the most intense one yet i had plan and everything the last thing i had to do wa to speak to my mum and sister before i passed away i spoke to my sister first and she basically wa horrible to me to the point i couldn t speak to my mum out of guilt turn out the abuse got a lot worse after i got removed and my sister blamed me for it it hit me pretty hard i didn t end up speaking to my mum here s where thing get interesting a i never spoke to my mum i never killed my self she ended up dying a few month afterwards now i feel weird if i had rang her and killed myself would she have been alive it sound silly but my mum illness wa caused by sadness i m sure if i spoke to her she would have survived but then i would be dead so would my suicide have saved a life somewhat this now make me more suicidal a i didn t speak to her before she died but this time i don t have the courage to kill myself sticky situation,Depression +39768,hi everyone i m going to tell about my thought i m not fluent in english so maybe it will have a lot of mistake but that s a reason for it first i m joining this community cause i can say what i m thinking without no one knowing cause my parentsand my gf dont talk in english second i ve been searching about how to suicide and my first reaction wa panic i wa depressed today a still look the same thing but i m not anxious or feeling panic actually i m really calm about it i don t know if it s courage or cause i m weak or i maybe i just accepted my destiny i hope you all get by through this cause i m not able to handle it anymore nice to met you all and goodbye sincerely matcordeiro,Depression +39769,gon na sound stupid a this happens to everyone but my daughter brought from daycare a nasty stomach bug i ve been puking my gut out and sitting on the toilet most of the day i m so tired but i can t sleep cause of the symptom i rapidly become so distressed my brain start to spin out of control and i want to end it all i m not capable to do it to be honest but man it is distressing i know after some sleep i ll be good but the current moment are atrocious i just can t focus on something else or clear my mind i should say i combine that to ongoing struggle with operational anxiety from the military every little thing push me to the edge,Depression +39770,to make thing clear no one invalidates me because i avoid every person and talk to no one i invalidate myself for whatever reason it s been made printed in my head to invalidate myself all the time like some sort of fucked competition on who ha it worse i dont know why i do it i know that every person s experience is different no one can experience the same thing a you it your struggle or whatever i know this yet anytime i hear any negative thing someone is dealing with or read something i downplay my struggle and just assume the person is going through worse i just say that i ain t going through shit compared to this person or that person it dumb i dont know why i do it i shouldnt be comparing my struggle to other people yet for whatever reason i do thank you for reading sorry if i made anyone mad or anything,Depression +39771,ya i m gon na to do it tonight it s better for everyone this way,Depression +39772,i ve just had enough of everything i don t know what to do anymore or who to talk to i tried to end my life twice through overdose and that didn t work i have episode where i just don t want to be here anymore i get agitated and it doesn t matter what anyone say or doe it doesn t make it any better i fear that i will have an episode of contemplating suicide and i ll just jump off a bridge it s like my mind take over and i don t think of anyone else my last resort is sectioning and i know what it s like i live in uk but i feel like that would be the safest environment for me where i can focus on getting better without having that constant worry of ending my life can anyone provide any advice at all i would appreciate it i just feel like my life is so pointless growing up with a disability being bullied always feeling different to everyone else childhood trauma and now having a constant battle everyday with my mental health i try to get on with life but i always feel like it would be better if i wasn t here,Depression +39773,i ve had thought of not wanting to exist for a while but i ve been very much in denial to myself and when spoken to by others about my desire to stop existing i know i also make joke on occasion and yet when i vent it s like i m annoying the people around me or pushing them away because they don t want to hear about my problem they want me to be a happy strong pillar for them who always listens when they need not the other way around i spoilered this a nsfw because it s for one triggering and for two i d like for le people to see it on my profile i just vented about one of the aspect of these thought on a shared space in the channel for triggering topic but i think i want a new outlet just this once i don t like relying on reddit for anything nor putting sensitive information out there so there s a good chance i ll be deleting this post later i feel like this might be triggering but i just keep thinking of a sensory deprivation void that s just dark grey with no stimulus and how without the need for sustenance after a while i d start to fade and all brain activity would just shut off and that s the sort of isolation that i keep wanting no offending sound or smell no need to eat and no bodily function no pain of going without and no pain from my brain suffering the ill effect of my current lifestyle it s an interesting artistic vision but i see how it s too much to share and possibly triggering to some artistic vision it s interesting when viewed through that lens i should say i m le concerned with making sense anymore because i used to put so much effort into syntax and how i came across but i m sick of trying so hard for people i m good with the rambling writing style i ve been using lately i m tired of putting in effort to say thing that i m ashamed of only to have it weird out other people i m good i m alright i m just suffering these bad issue that don t go away and sometimes i have a hard time keeping up appearance i m ashamed of this i m much more neurotic than shared here but i m okay with it i m okay with it i m accepting it i m going to allow myself to feel it and not hate myself for having emotion like usual i m okay with it,Depression +39774,a lot of the time when it get dark i just start feeling so fucking shitty and i don t know why is this normal thing that will pop into my mind are thing like how i could just kill myself and people would get over it soon in different time of my life i ve planned out what date work best a to not ruin holiday or birthday im not sure if this kind of stuff is normal,Depression +39775,someone understanding please if you re not i m sorry it ll only make it worse i don t want to vent about my problem because it ll make me break down i hope you understand,Depression +39776,i just want this pain to stop and i don t know if it s my fault that i am the way i am so maybe i deserve this feeling maybe this is my punishment for being a bad person i have a fear of my parent touching me and most people would think that s ridiculous it s ocd and it s killing me i don t live with them anymore but every time they ask to see me i wish i could stop existing i feel like a bad person for wanting to avoid them even if they gave me trauma so maybe this is what i deserve maybe it s all because of me i wish i wasn t like this i wish i didn t have to be alive i m ready to go,Depression +39777,no matter what i do and how much i try i feel like noone will ever really care but thats fine i dont want to be alive anymore anyways i keep saying im doing better but im not im sorry i just dont want anyone to worry i just want to be normal i never asked for any of this i never fucking asked to be born into a shithole family i never asked for a potential personality disorder i never fucking asked to be alive this long ive tried so many time ive done so much stupid shit im just ruining my life and ruining everyones perception of me maybe if i make people hate me itll be easier for them to deal with my death i dont want to live anymore i cant eat anymore i can barely get up anymore i have incredibly shit hygiene it disgusting i know im sorry im sorry im like this im sorry im so fucking sorry im still alive it would be easier if i wasnt it would be itd be better it be better that way maybe id be happy maybe itd bring people peace to know im not ruining myself anymore,Depression +39778,my bf s ex is now his best friend there like sibling according to them and they love each other like family i m a person that can t handle change well at all they use to hate each other and that wa what i wa use to they became best friend and i try so hard to deal with it and be her friend and accept it but it s so hard for me i ve been trying for month eventually tonight she got in a predicament and i helped her bf get her and calm her down i feel like maybe i m accepting her more and friendship more but this relief feeling want me to k ll myself even more what is this i m so confused i thought having good relationship would make you want to stay more,Depression +39779,it s just pointless what good is money when your country denies you access for help anyways and nobody care people look at me like i m some sort of a freak i m lucky only half of my family hate me but they don t understand i try to reach out for help via phone and when i explained my situation i get called a f g by the person on the line all because i said i m trans woman looking for therapist i am so tired of never being able to leave my room thar year looking for a doctor hasn t worked that people call me a monster threat to our culture that i m giving a bad impression to child even though i never leave my house i literally don t interact with anyone and nobody see or hears me and yet i m still seen a a monster i ll do you all a favor and just die cause it s too much i m tired of living like this and if i m such a bad threat then i ll be doing every one a favor,Depression +39780,everyone is saying i wa abusive i wasn t i genuinely felt like jumping off a cliff and would of if a friend wasn t there,Depression +39781,my girlfriend left me and is probably in love with my best friend my best friend stopped giving a shit about me and flirted with her they cuddled when they were here he wouldn t even check in on me my dad is having a baby my great grandma is dying my health is getting more and more fucked over and turn out i might have a bleeding disorder my abusive ex is spreading more shit about me and trying to ruin my life nothing is ok i don t think i m going to be okay everything is falling apart i haven t felt this suicidal in a long time i want to fucking die i can t do this,Depression +39782,i don t deserve to be alive i m a complete and total fuck up that deserves to die i just overdosed on my clonazepam so here s hoping that it kill me,Depression +39783,shes been saying nasty comment about my body since i wa like they used to tell me i needed to stop eating and stuff like that snd it been destroying my body image i feel like no one will ever love me if im not unhealthily skinny i starved myself for a good while like year ago and lost a lot of weight i then hot depressed a hell and gained it all again she still say some nasty comment last night she said of course it not good that you were starvinh yourself but it mustve been so nice to find clothes that fit right dont you miss that i just want her to think im pretty and the kind of daughter she want,Depression +39784,not even to talk about anything it wa kind of odd actually he just said he wa on lunch and had to go back to work in 0 he just wanted to bother me for a minute i think he just saved my life go fucking figure,Depression +39785,i ve tried i ve put in effort i ve fought back and i did get better before it all went downhill again til i m back to square one then still i got told to try and put in more effort to fight back a if that wasn t what i have been doing to get this far to survive this far no matter how much effort i put in the end everything came back to nothing it s all meaningless they would only see the result without acknowledging nor appreciating the effort i m too tired to fight anymore i don t have anyone to talk to about my problem more like i don t have anyone that i trust enough for me to really open up to even the friend i got right now i can t feel a strong connection with them i don t even talk much with them also too scared to even talk to a therapist and seek help having to reveal my problem like that make me feel vulnerable miserable and embarrassing another reason for not seeking help is so i can break down even more until i really lose my mind and there d really be nothing better than dying i guess but mainly i hate the idea of having to reveal myself to others a i ve mentioned just before this i ve grown too tired i ve been spending a lot more time in my room playing game and barely doing anything productive outside of my work i don t have any motivation or dream sometimes i fear having to sleep at night because by the time i wake up i d have to go through another dull day again and repeat the same thing over and over again the problem is in me i can t run away from myself i wish i could just disappear from existence and it d be nice if no one would remember me at all i m going to sleep and i hope i won t wake up to greet another day but i know that ain t gon na happen will delete this post later i don t really like posting a rant like this too but i really needed to get it out a bit please don t mind this post at all and have a good day to whoever ha read this til the end,Depression +39786,really i m tired i tried pill choking myself with a belt hanging carbon monoxide and i can t buy a fucking gun because of the fucking country i live in so tired of this shit so tired of being loveless and before you start with you must be an incel no i don t blame woman for not liking me i blame my fucking gene and i blame my shyness and how my stupidity ha fuck thing up i m tired but i can t fucking seem to die,Depression +39787,doesn t seem like i m contributing enough to the world for my life to be so precious that i need to still be here i don t know how to do this but i have considered hanging myself or starting my car in a garage for the carbon monoxide my financial issue will never end my disability is chronic and it doesn t seem like there is a point in fighting any of this anymore,Depression +39788,no matter how hard i try i just seem to be a background character to everyone else for year i have tried to be a better person socialize more be extroverted dress nicely workout try to be friendlier love yourself yada yada yada it s all bullshit lie i told myself delusion that i thought would make me be noticed and at least somewhat respected but in the end it seems like i don t even exist it s absolutely soul crushing i feel like most people just look right through me a if i were a ghost the shadow of what once wa a person i ve never had anyone i could truly call a friend just recently my best friend told me that i wasn t even his best friend that there wa someone else that he see a his true best friend i m not angry at him just dissapointed at the circumstance i m just another shoulder to cry on for every person i talk to i ve never had a girlfriend no one ever really loved me that sting the most i constantly hear story about people and their experience with love yet here i am at 0 year old never even having kissed anyone at my age my brother already had several girlfriend so did all the other people at my age that i know i feel like a fucking clown i really am le than human i ve always been the laughingstock of the fucking world never been respected always ignored i m depressed and suicidal but most of all i m angry if people don t want to see me i will fucking force them to see me they ll have no other choice but to see me one way or another,Depression +39789,im tired i m so tired a tiredness that i can t describe anymore i really can t believe that my life is really the one i have now when i see myself in the mirror or just at random time during the day i can t help but have tear running down my cheek hurting myself when i m wondering how i went from an innocent happy optimistic person to a destroyed and sad who just want to die i know others can have it harder but for me that s all i can bear i can t take it anymore i m unhappy but also angry angry because i wonder why all this happened to me why do i have to live all of this at only this question will never have an answer i just deserve it idk why im writing this so late even tho no one will see it in short i ve definitely given up and this message is therefore my last straw,Depression +39790,know i m severely depressed but it s been like this for year i can t do another 0 year of this i turn on monday and i just so tired of this life already i have friend but there s no one i m close to no one to tell my day about not that there would be anything to talk about i do fuck all just barely surviving the day getting out of bed in the morning is so difficult i watch my friend able to go out everyday talk passionately about the thing they re interested in make plan for the future and i just wish i could do that i genuinely don t enjoy anything i m doing a degree i hate but it s too late now to change it and not be able to get out of bed to attend my lecture doesn t help i m on a waiting list for therapy but i m number so that could be up to a year wait i ve tried different antidepressant and they have done fuck all i just can t stop thinking about how it would be best for everyone if i got hit by a truck i am draining to be around i wouldn t be my own friend so god know what anyone else think my first thought about anything is negative someone asked me the other day what i want to do after university and i told them i want to be dead because in all truth that s what i want i don t want to be alive someone wanted me to do something and the first thing out my mouth wa yeah well i want to chuck myself in front of a train but we can t always get what we want didn t even mean to say it but it just always at the front of my mind and i don t even know if it s true because i m not at risk of doing anything i ve absolutely no intention of chucking myself infront of a train but i want to no longer exist sometimes i think i need to reach out to someone but who and why bother what are they gon na do i went to my gp about it and spoke to a mental health nurse but all that s done is given me antidepressant that don t work and put me on a year long waiting list i m meeting up with family for my st my and brother aunt and uncle and cousin that i haven t seen in a while all travelling to see me i should be looking forward to it but i m not i m dreading it because they ve all got their life together have something to live for they re gon na ask me how i m doing and either i lie though they will know i m not telling the truth or i m honest and bring the whole mood down and what point would telling them they can t do anything when i say i want to chuck myself in front of a train i m not just doing it for attention i don t plan to do anything of the sort but i think it s the only way i know of saying how i really feel because no other way describes it just saying i m not doing great doesn t really cut it i m doing fucking awfully and don t know how to stop it,Depression +39791,my boyfriend and i have been fighting so damn much it s driving me mad i love him but i can t go on like this he s narcissistic controlling go on power trip etc one time i told him about how i get thought to unalive myself fast forward maybe a couple month and he had the audacity to tell me why don t you just go k yourself like what he know my past my trauma i ve told him my trigger because of this it make it that much harder to open up about struggle my mental health for instance the other day i told him i miss how we used to text having actual convos interaction and he took it a i wa starting an argument which i told him i wasn t just wa saying how i felt well everyday after work last night it s been hell him starting argument he packed all my stuff in trash bag and wa going to kick me out over telling him my feeling but then say i don t communicate this is the same guy that i ve been with for a couple year he say i m pushing him away but he s pushing me away to the extent of even living i feel like i m going crazy and i know i m not please tell me i m not i m just tired we all know what tired mean,Depression +39792,title more or le i m amab non binary and at the low point of my life so far i need to talk to somebody but i m a bit scared tbh the reason being while i m having more and more s icidal thought and thinking of how pointless life is i know that i m too much of a coward to actually commit to it and i don t want to hog the space for someone who s off worse than me tl dr i don t see much point in living anymore but i just know i most likely won t km is it ok though if i call the hotline,Depression +39793,don t really know why i m posting don t know what to expect i already hate myself more than life itself but it is what it is i caught my wife cheating on valentine s day which wa great we tried to work thing out but apparently she would rather have him a felon drug addict i m not perfect but damn everything s just gone downhill since i don t see a point in life without her but i can t have her so idk i m so lost in every aspect of life i already know how i ll do it but i can t because i can t do that to my granny,Depression +39794,so first of all i know that this is all fucking messed up it is the way it is though i ve been depressed and suicidal for a while now and my ex know that aswell i promised him that i would never kill myself which i really regret but whatever i asked them a couple of time but they didn t want me to break my promise and they also said if i did they d commit suicide aswell however now my ex told me that if i told my younger brother i wa gon na do it how and why it would be okay to break the promise i just i can t i can t go to my younger brother tell him hey i m gon na km bc life suck and i m just gon na hang myself i know commiting suicide will hurt ppl around me but they will be fine except maybe my younger brother that s what i m scared for however it s so much worse though if i tell him i m gon na end my life before i do it he will feel so much more guilt and i just don t know what to do and everything hurt so much physically and mentally,Depression +39795,what s the actual point of stopping me from doing this it will allow a person who is suffering to not suffer any more i don t want to do this any more it s a never ending battle and i m tired say i m a quitter i don t care why do you care about the life of a person on the internet who will never contact or see you who you for all mean should not have any personal connection to you yet people still care to tell me to stop when i m that close to stopping the pain at this point i could care le about most of my family most of them are why i want myself dead anyway my friend would read the note i d be leaving and understand why i did it i know these paragraph are completely intelligible but i just don t get why suicide is a bad thing to people why do people think it s a bad thing that s the one thing i don t get,Depression +39796,please do not read if you re in a bad mental state currently is it painful to overdose and d e on medication can someone who ha experienced an 0verdose from a combination from the following list please explain the sequence of event adderall doxepin duexis ibuprofen famotidine pristiq abilify buspar alcohol and c0caine do any combination of these allow someone to d e in their sleep without feeling pain i know many prescription medication including some of the one previously listed are designed to make death from taking too many difficult i also know surviving an attempt can be very painful and lead to lasting negative health effect what do you do if someone is unresponsive locked in their room you d call 9 and they would be the one to break down the door and enter keeping you from seeing anything right lastly can a family cover up someone s su c de attempt and keep it a secret out of the medium can they just tell people it wa a drug 0verdose or is there no way to avoid everyone knowing what happened i m sorry for these asking these question,Depression +39797,i ve felt this way consistently for probably the last year with only brief deluded relief i hope that it s just eternal oblivion in a sense,Depression +39798,wa looking for this usually i go to bed st but today my wife is sleeping so i will go to km it wa about the time to do it,Depression +39799,i see no future ahead of me and i am very much fucked right now life is going too fast i cant keep up with anything i literally have no friend no one would try to find me if i go missing one day im living in this shit hole away from parent since and they dont even care about me at this point everyone can see that i am going to kill myself but no one even see me at all currently making plan if anyone find my reddit account somehow after i die take this a a sorry i wa a bad kid and became a horrible adult sorry for not doing good thing and making everyone around me sad until i have no one around me left,Depression +39800,i keep thinking that i m only putting all this effort in for someone else because i love her and i don t want to hurt her and i enjoy being with her and how she make me feel but i also want to get better so i can be in a better place to be more supportive for her and my peer i m trying to live for myself and not others but i m not sure where i am with that,Depression +39801,i dont bother doing anything all day and im failing college yet im still tired and im constantly thinking about suicide,Depression +39802,i feel so helpless like i have absolutely no say in my own life and i have no idea what to do anymore all i want to do is to kill myself but the way that i ve decided to do it is going to be painful and right now i ve become so mentally weak that i can t even tolerate or accept pain i wish i could just die in my sleep tonight or get hit by a bus tomorrow because i m not even strong enough to end my life no matter how much i want to,Depression +39803,my on and off boyfriend of two year left me after i got diagnosed with bpd le that two week ago he decided to read the bplovedones subreddit and like yeah i will not invalidate their experience but the way they speak of people with bpd is dehumanizing everything seemed fine sunday and then he read the stuff monday and dipped on tuesday i don t want to be alive because i don t want to hurt anyone else and i feel so disconnected from the world it s not because he left it s because i feel so alone and i don t want to hurt and i don t want to hurt anyone else i also feel so guilty for the shitty thing i did do i m worried i will never change and die alone i don t know who would love someone like me after what i have done,Depression +39804,this is eating me alive my suicidal thought depression kept me from doing thing that were very important and now that i am trying to actually do them for example i sat down to actually write on a web novel i abandoned for all of that time and the feeling of guilt over wasting so much time ha me in a choke hold it force me back into that dark place this ha been a struggle all of my life i used to have this issue with not cleaning because i beat myself over not cleaning i don t want to go back into the dark and i don t have access to treatment for my ocd anymore any advice on what i can do to help even it is okay help tremendously i ve tried l late is better than never but for some reason i can t convince my brain this is true,Depression +39805,i ve never been so fucking miserable in my entire life i quit my job last week and i m failing school and want to drop out for the rd time i have no money and i m disgusting and i have no worth in this shitty world i m tired and i can t even get out of bed i don t have any energy to do anything and i want to die fuck everything and goodbye,Depression +39806,i ve given up,Depression +39807,i doubt theyd care but at the same time i dont wan na die alone he s the only person i have in my life and our friendship is most likely going to end once he move away but it s going to leave me in shamble i m probably going to attempt soon after he leaf but thats the thing i dont wan na die completely alone yes i still feel a if i have nobody by my side even though we re pretty close but regardless of that i just want to die knowing at least one person will give somewhat of a fuck about me,Depression +39808,i have had suicidal thought since high school i am also trans and have always known it since i wa young i never felt it wa something i wa allowed to do i started transitioning a few month ago now at the age of i ve attempted suicide time in my life and i did the least almost hoping i would live or die 0 0 i ve always threatened my family that i would kill myself some of that wa a cry for help some of that is true i have planned to live perhaps extra year to see if truly a everyone tell me it s worth living just wait i believe in my heart i can be great for myself and love myself and yet i am plagued by this obtuse feeling of letting go for good almost every day i have had many therapist i have one currently i have tried med and i truly don t want them in my life i can t even complain i speak language fluently i ve experienced a lot of life and always felt like an old soul although i am disappointed with this world i am disappointed with all the hate that exists i m disappointed with myself and others consistently most day i wake up grateful and most day i go to sleep angry sad lonely and hopeless no matter how much i try to be a force of love and light in this world in the morning i end up depleted and sucked into the darkness each night i have stayed for my family and friend who would suffer if i left i have never once stayed for myself i wish i found a reason to live for myself and not for others i m planning on taking shooting lesson in this year so i may get a gun license hopefully so that i may register a firearm in year and kill myself i m not sure what i m looking for saying this on here just needed a place to say it i hope you re all well and stay strong,Depression +39809,i m ready to go it could be day from now week from now or even month from now but this is the only way i see myself going out and i refuse to accept any alternative i ve ghosted numerous people trying to throw their retarded empty platitude my way and a much a some of these mf wan na tell me they ve been there no the fuck they haven t i wish people could just accept the fact that some people weren t meant to live long life,Depression +39810,so i started having suicidal thought in april of last year and they lasted until around november in october i started hanging out with a girl and we started becoming good friend not romantic just friendship my mental health started getting a lot better after a couple month of friendship with her and it s kept getting better ever since a few day ago i made a passive aggressive comment that really upset her she won t text me back now i ve tried apologizing and trying to make thing right with her but i haven t heard back from her i m afraid i ve ruined this friendship forever and now my suicidal thought are back for the first time since last year i always hurt the people that i care about and i hate myself so much that i do this,Depression +39811,so i started having suicidal thought in april of last year and they lasted until around november in october i started hanging out with a girl and we started becoming good friend not romantic just friendship my mental health started getting a lot better after a couple month of friendship with her and it s kept getting better ever since a few day ago i made a passive aggressive comment that really upset her she won t text me back now i ve tried apologizing and trying to make thing right with her but i haven t heard back from her i m afraid i ve ruined this friendship forever and now my suicidal thought are back for the first time since last year i always hurt the people that i care about and i hate myself so much that i do this,Depression +39812,honestly im tired of everything especially myself im not good for anyone and been blocked by a friend who told me i wa toxic and manipulative im stupid and worthless why do i even deserve to live i wish there is a fast way to kill myself and end this peacefully,Depression +39813,last night i had a dream my bestfriend and i were hanging out a a spiritual person i believe that our passed loved one visit u in our dream to hang out with u in the only way they can my bestfriend committed a year ago and it wa the worst day of my life every once in a while he doe this but i had a dream last night we both hung out and had such a good time at the end he gave me a gift and said he would see me next time when i woke up i wa really depressed i didn t want to go into work i wanted to lay back down and go to sleep and hang out with him again it made me have suicidal thought and those were scary i miss him alot to the point where life just seems so awful without him and how can i live like this without him i m a very lonely person and he wa the only friend i had who understood me help,Depression +39814,i just made the person i fell in love with cry because a miscommunication happened and i ended up breaking all contact instantly and acted like a bitch but she still fought to keep in touch and we are better talking now but she cried tonight because of me she cried she got hurt she felt so bad and she is already going through so much because of her ex and then something happened with u at work yesterday and i ended up having a fight with my mom too i just fucking hate that my existence is hurtful for others i just want to fucking die so i stop hurting people god please give me the courage to die so i stop hurting everyone around me i do not want to live with all the sadness that s filled in me,Depression +39815,i feel it coming on hard and it s just too much i m not even full spiral i wa doing so good for so long i hate how easy it sound to end it because fuck wouldn t it just be i m just screaming into the void again i feel like quarantining when i m like this because well meaning friend will tell me they love me and it s not worth it and to push forward and they re on my side and i know it doesn t make me feel any different about myself and maybe they do too but it s so damn tiresome i hate myself and i don t think i ll ever stop i m tired of stressing them out or bringing them down by existing the cool thing about being dead is people will almost always remember the good thing about you and maybe they ll talk about how you struggled but it ll sound romantic and not nearly a disgusting a it actually feel why doe it have to be so attractive objectively speaking there s nothing sexy about about coming across the news in whatever form that a loved one ha ended their life but here i am fantasizing about how i ll just stop being and i ll be just that more loved without having to do anything but die no guilt no pressure just nothing i guess technically people will have to deal with my remains they ll have to raise money to have something done with me because i definitely don t have anything in place to make it easier i m just so fucking tired,Depression +39816,i m not doing well i m suffocating it s hard to breathe and i have to fight the urge to slice open an artery the only way i know how to cope is by telling someone who s actually willing to listen about my favourite comic that s all,Depression +39817,i miss jesus i miss the warmth warmth of the graspclasped onto me with both handsholy hand holding hand hold my handi remember i surrender to falsity and ill conceived connotation taught to believe misinformation that my purpose wa purposeful but it s all for man s profitand the only true prophet is the soothsayerand the soothsayer is an entity of many layersa coterie educates on blanket of misconceptionblanket me so i ll be warm full and fret freedisrobe me so i ll be broken open and emptyall i take is blue pill to calm mebut all i really intake is falsitythese line are just stanza so do a you willlife demand a mind of stabilitynot insanity but insane is written all over meso take your fake pill and snort up these linesor waste it all get ill and snort white lineswhite lie won t kill right get wasted don t wake up just wait for you to fucking taste itit s never enoughtake your blind pleasure freedom and delight it your birthrightfree will do a you willbut think twice before they put you on the spotlight because once they have you chained up you convert into a cenobite with no change you secure your own chainsand if you re unbothered call me deranged may a well fasten the rope and stay restrained no one s going to save you except the latter so choose a life of false glamour or have it shatterthe pain is worth itonce you re open you can truly observe it unlearn it be free from the cage or stay locked in and fall into the greyits all a fucking rat race,Depression +39818,i cant bear not being beatiful im a man not girl i just can t i cant begin to process how i myself and be le beatiful im gon na die soon but i havent quiited my job i make good saving each month i have some other bunch of saved money how can i have some clean fun no s x no drug or should i try to help others gift food school supply clothes to those who need it i know i can donate my eyeball and no one will care because my face isnt beatiful beauty of the face is literally what made human conciousness how do i face the use of money since i wont be needing it in old age which ill never reach,Depression +39819,i m tired of only having people that don t listen to me i m tired of codependency i m tired of my brain always going so fast and there s no calming it either i m fucking tired i do not want to live anymore i ve fucked up my life and there s no fixing it because it wa doomed from the start it seems like i m doing great but i m not i should be but i m not no one care about me my friend couldn t care le about what i have to say they just want me to listen i don t want to listen anymore the one person i wanted to care i realize now doesn t give a fuck about me he listens to her though she is heather and i m meaningless so i m done being in the way of the two they can have eachother i will go i m in the way that s all i ever am i m an annoying thing people can t get rid of i m a weight on everyone s shoulder i m tired of living and i m done with it,Depression +39820,i m currently on 0mgs daily but i just couldn t do it anymore it s all just so hard i ve only just taken them so don t have any symptom yet i ve only taken the fluoxetine and nothing else is this enough to kill me i m slightly underweight do i need to go to a hospital or just tell someone i don t know what to do i live with my parent and i feel really bad but i still don t want to live anymore,Depression +39821,i really fucking can t but i can t take my life either so i ll be a whiny bitch as and make my fourth post on here or something saying the same fucking thing i m so tired it hurt so much i just want the pain to stop wa fucking 0 when i first tried to km thing don t get better nope they don t year on they ve only gotten worse i really can t do this,Depression +39822,i ve been suicidal on and off for just over year i ve been in therapy for i ve been on antidepressant for i just got out of the psych ward for the first time and now i m in a stupid zoom partial program i ve been taught countless coping skill and way of managing difficult emotion through cbt dbt act you fucking name it they re suggesting that i go to a residential program for a few week but there s no cure for depression everyone keep talking to me about college but i can barely think a month into the future never mind a year and thinking of the whole rest of my life just stretching out ahead of me just make me exhausted i m expected to keep doing this for like 0 more year at the end of the day i just can t imagine going on like this forever and i know it get better and all that bullshit but i m so sick and tired of waiting for better sure there are better day but that just make it all the more frustrating when the bad one come i m ready for this just to be over,Depression +39823,life is just not for me it seems to be working out great for literally everyone else i m supposed to sit around and wait for better day or a miracle to happen what is the point my life ha 0 meaning no relationship no friend no accomplishment just emptiness im tired of living i m tired of being alone hating everything about myself my life wondering why god gave me this life just to sit here and be miserable for year meanwhile everywhere i look is family couple smile thing that i wanted but will never achieve and i give up i ll be happier gone than i ever experienced alive and the most sad part is no one will ever know i m gone i even feel stupid and sorry for myself posting this i am not looking for sympathy or anything just needed to get that out there,Depression +39824,i cant take no more a knock come on my door i open it and oh farewell my sweet friend darkness fill the room but the flower will soon bloom it coming to an end farewell my sweet friend i dont care anymore nor i can take no more no way out of this farewell my sweet friend,Depression +39825,first of all this feeling is killing me i m probably not a bad person and i ve done bad thing and hurt people and now those people have turned their back on me my trauma have haunted me i don t feel alive the whole world is in against me in my worst moment i don t want to live anymore the only thing i can offer is hate hate and hate nothing make me change i can t anymore i m going to die in vain but i can t be alive this pain go on beyond something emotional it is deeper i can t make someone believe in me i ll just do it for my pride,Depression +39826,i m not going to attempt suicide but i may admit myself to a mental hospital because my college class are actually sending me into hypomanic episode what doe a college do when you miss a few day or even week due to a serious mental health condition i have all a and if i lose those i will become even more unstable,Depression +39827,i want to preface this by stating that i haven t gone to anyone about this nor have i attempted to get help realistically it s just my mind actively stopping me because in some sick and twisted way it belief that i m okay i m and currently enrolled at georgia southern a a freshman while i have struggled with mild depression in the past it all really started going downhill when i lost my dog in june of last year my dog had to be put down and it wa heartbreaking i had to watch my parent and sister cry while i sat there trying to be strong i let myself fall into that typical stereotype that men aren t supposed to cry i regret it i wish i had shown some emotion then but it s neither here nor there at this point what matter is that she had been in my life since i wa a kid i grew up with her and it felt like my world crumbled beneath the weight of her loss my girlfriend at the time helped me through it a lot and wa an enormous amount of help when it came to my happiness at the time it didn t last however i had reluctantly enrolled into college and honestly felt forced to go the first two week honestly weren t too bad i enjoyed my time and thought i would get through pretty easy then me and my now ex broke up this absolutely crushed me having my dog put down being practically forced into college and now i just got out of the first major relationship i ve had all within the span of month it wa such a slow but inevitable spiral into the worst depression i would ever face my ex and i would continue having contact with each other for the rest of that semester she tried to help me feel better but i got so much worse i no longer had a grasp on who i wa and wa just trying to stitch myself back together again i never got better i struggled for the rest of the semester my grade were awful and my physical health had declined a good bit a well when halloween rolled around i attempted to commit suicide i took about half a bottle of melatonin which wa me trying to attempt but obviously that wouldn t work because it s melatonin i wa a dumbass who wa desperately trying to end it all with anything i could get my hand on well i lived then november passed and it wa finally december a month i enjoy because of it s stress free nature around this time my ex and i were actually recuperating we both still had feeling for each other while we never got back together december wa actually nice and i felt happy for the first time in a while then december ended and the new year came along i wanted to focus solely on bettering myself and although my ex and i were starting to somewhat get along again i wanted to cut off all contact i wasn t good for her and she wasn t good for me or that s what i believe to be true from then on i focused on myself i tried to be more sociable and tried to express my feeling more often to my friend it wa working kind of towards the end of january i attempted again at the time i felt like i had made no progress and i thought i wa stuck being a bad person forever so i used some strong prescription pain killer don t remember the name i made it pill in and vomited something must ve clicked inside me because this wa a turning point the entirety of february wa pretty good i felt happy and i enjoyed so much of life i talked to my parent about not wanting to do college and the fact that i broke up with my ex yes it took me month to tell my parent i wa scared to they were understanding and said they d let me live there a long a i had a job i also explained to them that i wanted to do something else in life then what i previously had said to them i wa majoring in computer science because i really wanted to be a programmer but realized that i didn t actually enjoy it i had tried to do some coding on the side and i just didn t have fun with it what i did have fun with though wa disc golf it wa something that helped me feel better about myself because i wa constantly improving in particular i had started to take it seriously around the beginning of january and by the time i talked to my parent i felt really confident and wa thinking of going pro in the future they shut it down because it s rare to succeed in sport and if anything it would be up to luck after that entire conversation about me not being able to be who i wanted i had signed a lease to live with my sister down near the college since we both go there i did not have any intention of going to school for a second year because it wa not good for my mental health i even told my parent that i didn t want to continue college but they said that i have to because the rent where my sister and i are going to be living is too high to pay without a student loan now i m here reluctantly signing up for class next semester all while feeling i have no purpose in life my parent won t support my actually dream and would rather me find some 9 that ll at least keep me living paycheck to paycheck so i m struggling to really know who i am still while slowing piecing myself together in an attempt to better myself i m having a shitty time in college due to several thing dragging me downwards into depression my parent won t support me in what i actually want to do and are instead forcing me to do a second year of school i just don t have the energy or motivation to keep going everything is so extremely stressful right now and it s just been all one slow build up my self image ha absolutely plummeted and i m ashamed to really even go outside anymore because i hate the way i look i feel like i have absolutely no purpose anymore because of all the mixed message i m getting from my family the only thing i don t have right now that i want is a way out i have ibuprofen that i could overdose with but i ve looked it up and it seems too painful and it probably won t kill me i have a car that i could crash of course but i don t want to drag anyone else into this nor do i feel like it s reliable enough of a way out i could try to drown myself in the lake on campus but i ve already tried drowning myself in 0 0 and that didn t pan out well i just want something simple and effective i don t have the money unfortunately i haven t found the courage motivation to get a job i want this feeling to be gone i ll still try to work on myself but a this tightening in my chest get stronger and stronger each day i m not sure i ll make it,Depression +39828,i just need someone to talk to or distraction and sympathy,Depression +39829,i want to go but i m afraid of what s there after idk religion i guess i feel pretty pathetic all the time but i m thinking like maybe in a few month sometime this year i just need clear answer on how and when the right time i guess soon i just need relief,Depression +39830,my story is nothing compared to everyone else here it s such a stupid reason to post i know but i still wanted to say it please hate on me if you d like cause i deserve it there this girl i recenetly met from my college program for month so far obv with everything being online i have only met her irl once at school but i have severe social anxiety and always have been an introvert since i wa in like middle school so i couldnt talk to her that day i actaully even purposly avoided her because i dont know why we also live far away from each other with the college being hour away for u both but for each others house it hour so this would be a long distance relationship if i ever asked her out which i never will but it an idea before i met her i wa always sad with my life not studying playing game all day not going outside eating unhealthy spending money unwisely no friend and also with my parent not caring about me or talking to me at all so i wa alone and lonely i wa actaully thinking about killing myself because i wa just so done with life and thought there wa nothing left to do in life but literally right after i wa thinking about suicide i met her after meeting her i have been eating healthy studying with her playing game with her exercised because she told me to and she is just someone i can always talk to we basically talk to each other everyday with over 000 message and she is really a joy to talk with ive never really liked anyone this much in my life shes just perfect shes funny kind beautiful thoughtful trustworthy sweet list go on i like her too much and it now starting to affect the thought in my head im constantly thinking everyday how im unable to always be beside her how we will only stay a friend how we cant ever hang out together like friend normally do me not being able to say a word in front of her irl it just make me so fucking sad im such a fciuking loser and i hate it i hate anxiety i hate depression i hate my life ive grown too attached to her and i just cant stop having these thought in my head im also mad ugly so im also insecure about that im back to being suicidal but idk yet today we had an in person lecture that wa mandatory and i sat in the corner a i always do far far away from the people and she came in and sat right beside me i shouldve been happy i should have been gratful that we could be together in that short moment but my anxiety got the best of me and i ran away from her left the class left the school and went back home when i came home i saw so many message she ha sent me and i havent replied yet nor have i looked at it i dont know what to do anymore thanks for reading let me know how much of a dipshit i am please,Depression +39831,being trans fucking suck kayleigh will never pas therapist are ghosting her so there s no help not to mention on top of that having a piece of shit father and failing school doesn t exactly help just need to end it so the pain can finally stop but too much of a pussy to do it fuck everyone who say it ll get better kayleigh ha heard that for the longest time now and not once ha it gotten better,Depression +39832,it hasn t gotten any better i did it almost year ago and the feeling of trying again ha gotten worse no matter how much i try it s not good enough i m trying to go to school i m trying to find a job i m trying to shower more and blah blah blah but no i m still too lazy my hair is too greasy i smell i m a fucking failure don t get why they act so much higher than me you failed that exam you got fired you didn t do the school work how the fuck are you going to look at someone who can t afford all the thing you have and blame them like it s their fault no i can t afford shampoo no i can t afford food no i can t afford a car or even the fucking lesson we couldn t wash clothes for a week but i shouldn t smell sorry let me pull out my imaginary washing machine my imaginary money to buy a car my imaginary money to buy the game you have the food you have the soap and whatever the fuck else i don t have because i don t have the fucking money let s also forget the fact my parent haven t been working properly for almost year and the amount of shit we owe which you don t deal with which is why you have all that shit they look at me in disgust you should come out more you re just lazy you don t want me there anyway which is why i walk metre behind don t have proper conversation because you wont talk back or am completely forgotten about when you go out i m fucking trying i do my best in exam i do my best to shower often or to eat often or to get a job you just don t see that i live very different to you i m trying my best to not kill myself every fucking day the thought didn t just disappear when i got out of hospital you know the same place you laugh at me for going the only reason why i don t jump in front of a car when we are together is because i don t want you to see the mess left behind i have a box full of tablet and a bottle of morphine i m sure something there will kill me and i m ok with it,Depression +39833,i just want the pain to end i really want to die my life is not going anywhere i ve got no friend no future etc i m just so completely exhausted and sick of it all i wish i wasn t so sensitive but i just can t take this anymore,Depression +39834,my therapist and psychiatrist say they can t fire me if i follow the protocol and that the program will help me work while doing iop the iop program would only be hour a day on day a week so i could still work part of the time could my job fire me for doing iop worst case scenario i would be able to bounce back but it would be difficult,Depression +39835,i just got done with my psychiatrist appointment i don t feel good about it medication dosage got increased again that s all my life is medication therapy trying to make thing work and get better but it never happens i feel numb i don t feel anything at all right now the pain is so overwhelming i just can t feel anything i m one day away from being three week clean it doesn t matter i really feel like i m going to kill myself today i don t have enough medication to do it here and i need another method i know nobody care not really at the end of the day nobody care i m tired of being alone i m sure it s my own fault somehow everything s always my own fault i m tired i don t want to sleep i want to die,Depression +39836,i feel so lost and out of control with my emotion i don t know what to do with my free time nothing seems to bring me joy i keep thinking of way to end it all without impacting my family and child but who will find me i don t want to traumatize someone i fight with my wife all the time i don t feel wanted or loved,Depression +39837,my best friend and i recently started hooking up and last night when we got back extremely drunk from a club i twice attempted to make a move on her which made her really uncomfortable i didn t remember the event and she told me this morning my friendship is ruined and i don t know what to do now i would never intentionally make her feel uncomfortable and i hate myself for what happened i don t want or think i can get any redemption and i want to end it,Depression +39838,it s that bad,Depression +39839,it too much for me to ask one person in the world to like me,Depression +39840,this is it,Depression +39841,feel like there s just too many problem to address at this point everyday i try to hold out in hope of something somehow getting better but it somehow feel like i m never at the bottom of the hill at this point i m only alive so that some people don t feel sad or guilty but honestly i m getting to a point where i don t really give a shit if i m dead i won t have to experience or see the pain that they will ultimately feel from the death so who give a shit,Depression +39842,when i female wa a very young kid i wa exposed to unrestricted internet access i watched a lot of porn and i recently remembered at time i would watch bestiality and animal mating i wa young and didnt know what i wa watching i didnt know what the feeling i wa having were i remember once i tried to get my dog to lick me when i wa it didnt happen because thank god i realized how weird it wa and stopped before anything happened im now and not attracted to animal at all im scared that maybe i wa when i wa young but i wonder maybe i wasnt attracted to them just curious to sex of all kind because i wasnt aware of it at the time im experiencing suicidal thought and so worried i should kill myself do you think i should kill myself am i overreacting im desperate for advice and reassurance but if i dont deserve reassurance go ahead and tell me how disgusting a human i am,Depression +39843,i don t understand i read it would be lethal to take this much at once but i feel perfectly fine i know i m just going to get a bunch of people telling me to go to a hospital but what s up with this shouldn t i be dead,Depression +39844,my dad killed himself and it left me with a feeling like i want to kill everyone in my family who s moved on since then i m his only child my brother is now a stranger to me my mother is my father s killer i am his only survivor i want to kill myself,Depression +39845,i d love to just to die i dont have friend or family member that care about me haha no one will be sad when im gone which is good honestly but like i mentioned the possibility of religion being real scare me and it the only reason thats stopping me from ending it one day i wont care and i ll do it but it not today sadly,Depression +39846,your life your rule but why can t i finally make myself rest it s selfish but isn t making someone stay just for you to not feel bad also is they ll stop you but will only make you feel alone after a few week or so shouldn t we all ultimately live for ourselves why is suicide such a bad thing is it just because it s deemed morally wrong all of this ha probably been said a couple time i m sorry it s funny how the only thing that keep me going is that one musical group and my other hobby is this really it,Depression +39847,thing are not going to get better so why cant i just find the courage to die cant even cut cause school just found out and took all my blade,Depression +39848,i wake up feeling guilty everyday i truly do feel like people would be happier without me of course i know that s not true but the feeling eats away at my soul everyday all i can constantly think about is the money that s ha been spent on me i feel sick looking at myself in the mirror i don t feel worthy for myself i don t feel worthy for others either i just want to be enough i just want to feel normal doing the simplest thing like breathing fill me with dread and worry when i m around others i ve never had a super close friend though i never really got out a a kid i never really felt understood i find it hard to believe that one day i will feel comfortable with myself because this feeling ha plagued me ever since i wa a child i look forward to when i sleep because that s when i m not limited and i feel free the thought of dying painlessly and giving into the void is what soothes me when i m stressed or sad i want to keep going but it s been so long of me being useless i don t know how to catch up i feel so much dread in simply existing,Depression +39849,title every day is a struggle gym help a bit but it s temporary i can t take this life anymore for long,Depression +39850,i got into fasting couple of year ago and trained myself to go long without food i did month of just coffee and water last year im not joking i didnt die because i wa very overweight i lost a lot of weight and gained some back doe to depression eating this time iam going to push myself till i collapse i know i can dont ask me why it unfixable thats about it hope that yall are better,Depression +39851,hey guy today i opened up to my boyfriend for the first time in a while about all the mental turmoil i ve been going through a part of me want to cut it off i love him dearly but i just feel like i ll be a burden to him for the rest of my life if i stay is it selfish to leave or selfish to stay if i knew he d be fine if i knew he d make it and be happy with someone else one day i would leave i would spend all the money i have chasing fleeting happiness until i m ready to go i wish i could erase the memory from his head so he can just know peace,Depression +39852,commit suicide or selfharm,Depression +39853,tagged nsfw tw mention of suicidal ideation and suicide attempt the idea of suicide is comforting it is all that i ve known the idea of ending the constant misery i feel is weirdly enough the only thing stopping me from doing it besides a select number of friend a it truly is comfortable to me to be sitting in the cesspool of apathy and hatred for myself i feel every day usually when i m depressed i feel the apathy and it slowly just turn to numbness but something is different this time around do you ever feel almost the thrill of suicide or rather do you ever almost feel excitement when you re done grieving what your life could would have been lately i ve felt at peace over my self grieving and i do not like that a i have been desperately trying to stay afloat and the tiny push i would usually give myself to ground myself is gone i ve only ever felt this rush when i attempted and the aftermath destroys me every single time this feeling is almost like some time of euphoric high that i cant stop chasing i hate my life and i hate feeling like this but aren t some people meant to be dished the worst card to balance out nature,Depression +39854,this is pointless this is all pointless living loving everything there only one thing one person i want more than death and i can t have him nobody want me around so whats the point of wasting my time suffering for no reason when all i do is waste air and people time a i force them to hang out with me nobody actually seek to hang out with me it s always me being lonely and wanting to hang out and them not having any excuse to say no they are indifferent if i leave or not indifferent if i die or not maybe i d get a pity aww like if a friend family member died you don t know them you just say aww out of sympathy sometimes i want sympathy i want someone to pretend for just a moment that they want me and they want to hug me and truly mean it people think i m always just saying depressing thing to fish for sympathy and hell what if i am maybe i need it maybe i need someone to actually care even for just a second about how shitty my life is my mind constantly go in circle awful stupid terrible circle of hatred i hate myself i hate the people around me i hate life i cut the people around me out of my life for their sake and mine and all it doe it make me hate myself and them even more im so desperate i can hardly stop myself from crawling back to them even though it only hurt me more i don t know how to solve this suicide is so painful and i m a pussy so there aren t many option i don t think i can stand to make it more year to be to buy a gun there ha to be something i can do in the mean time anyone with idea lmk lt,Depression +39855,this decision is final hopefully i don t get forced to take my anti depressant they make me sleepy which completely remove my motive to get up and start sawing thanks for reading i guess,Depression +39856,i m not interested in life there thing i d like to do but i have no money to experience them i dont have friend or any girl to share a relationship with life is bland i have a job interview tomorrow i ll probably get it now i ll have to show up and sell 0hrs of my life doing something i could care le about for some money i hate everything it s not enjoyable pandemic ruined everything a girl i started really liking doesn t want to see me anymore because i m not vaxed that one definitely hurt a bit she went cold on me please skip the anti pro vax debate i m over it amp i m not anti i dont like leaving the house or dealing with people i dont see any point in this thing called life it just drain me and i d like it to end it simply exhausting amp i get 0 enjoyment from it it feel like a sadistic game i just want it to end i wont hurt myself i dont think i will i dont know if i m depressed i either feel nothing or anger i envy people who are blissfully happy enjoying life i d give anything to have that i dont need everything to be great but i d at least like to not hate day to day life i dont have much left in me anymore i dont see the point in continuing playing this dumb game of collecting money for thing and meaningless relationship i want to be nothing,Depression +39857,let say i m on probation and let say i have a few traffic citation let also say that i could very well be put in prison for not paying those citation but let include that i don t have any money what would happen to those citation and the probation if i were to end it i ve been miserable for year every thing that happens to me is literally just the worst shit you could think of i m exceedingly mentally ill with a disorder that ha with no cure and can t be treated with medication i don t want to do this anymore so what will happen to all of those cost,Depression +39858,i think everybody on the internet forgets that the people they talk to online are actual people behind the screen people with real life with friend and family and their own personal issue i know it s hard to remember that sometimes especially when everybody just publicly post when they are at their best and doesn t want to share any of the negative or boring part of their life but everybody here is a real person people on the internet have a startling lack of empathy never even a little bit taking into consider anyone else s feeling or experience people just say awful thing and are surprised when others retaliate people these day especially younger teen are so terrible at understanding that other people may have life apart from what they are willing to show online and i think that is going to have devastating consequence on them a they get older,Depression +39859,anybody 0 year old and up in south florida that want to talk,Depression +39860,everyone say talk to u we re here but when i tell them i want to order off of uber eats and leave my door open so when the delivery guy come he ll find me hanging and that way my family and friend won t have to find my rotting corpse day later they re like what the fuck i don t know if i ll do it but i feel like buying a rope practice tying a noose and planning it out i don t know if it s dangerous to do this because i ll finally have everything i need to actually kill myself or maybe doing it will actually make me chicken out and want to stay around a little bit longer also i don t want to leave my family saddled with my death so i sometimes think about crashing my car on the highway so it look like an accident and my insurance pay them out i want to be able to tell people that this is what i m thinking but when i even begin to let them in it s terrifying for them they want to tell my best friend or my mom or my doctor but nobody is actually there to just listen and not react so i m stuck with these thought on my own,Depression +39861,i ve been really struggling with suicidal thought these past few week currently i am in a situation where i do not have access to any professional help therapy i ve isolated myself during this time a well so i ve not talked to my friend recently honestly i don t know what to do i ve been thinking about talking to a friend about this but i don t want to be a burden or trauma dump,Depression +39862,i can barely live with me i am all the time closed in my mind i can not describe it better i can not focus on anything i can not sustain a conversation i get very overwhelmed by everything if i do very little house cleaning i get very overwhelmed i feel lonely in my life nobody understands me neither my wife nor my parent or brother or grandparent i might be on the autistic spectrum i am so done with my life so done i can not continue like this anymore i have to die i live on my wife s incoming i so want to die,Depression +39863,every little thing i do every step i take i regret it after i think too much about how what i do will affect others to the point where i just want to fade away and not exist i can t get over my failure a long a i have a constant reminder of them it s impossible and i can t bear it anymore i wish thing didn t happen like this i wish thing didn t continue like this i just want thing to improve but there s no sign nothing i feel so done,Depression +39864,i am falling and no one is there to catch me the one that say they will be and care can t be bothered to even listen to me fully anymore i have outworn my welcome here i don t want to deal with this pain or the voice in my head telling me i will never be enough i want to end it so badly but i can t bc i have important obligation that need me and it would destroy if i left and i love them but god i am so tired of being in this pain,Depression +39865,im a faliure i have no friend i have shit grade i dont find anything interesting i just wan na die i dont know what to do,Depression +39866,god i feel so constantly out of place i feel like i m always being bothered and anxious i hate it i just want to be alone i would give anything if i could do online again i just feel so anxious and sad at school even with my own friend i just would give anything if i could be by myself i hate it so bad it s so cold and desolate,Depression +39867,i ve the same feeling now of sickness when i wa doing my attempt to suicide year ago or about that time i feel sick physically i m sick i failied in life i failed in every decision i ve made i failed in loving my ex i failied loving my family i failed being a good friend i failed being obedient i failed i failed,Depression +39868,hello family i m here to just talk a little about how i feel and plan for my future recently a new gun law wa passed in ohio where i live i no longer have to be to buy a handgun i don t need a ccw nor can they do a background check it go into affect in day the age is the only thing that used to restrict me from buying but soon enough that will change i m so tired of feeling to way i do my son mom make everything so difficult to the point where it would just be easier on everyone if i wa gone and leave my son with a could be would be dad and save him from seeing how i actually am sometimes i get excited to be able to watch my son grow up but then i remember how much of a brick wall the mother is going to be and then i m right back down the spiral i never got out of in the first place she ha absolutely no regard to my feeling i m just tired of the hurt tired of being deceived and tired of being tired i want it to end and the only end in sight i see is the fire arm and before anyone say it no the mother is not the cause of all my problem nor wa she the beginning of it all i ve felt this way since th grade i m now 0 amp graduated in 0 0 and ha been getting worse ever since i ve tried medicine never felt a difference i ve tried drug but in the end they just make me feel worse i want to be there for my son but i can t with her i m pretty self aware and understand that some of the thing i say are selfish in the eye of some but it s just how i feel and i have no one to talk to so here i am i really appreciate anyone who take minute out of their day to read my message,Depression +39869,it s been year since i ve any kind of intimate relationship i ve tried over and over and over to get a girl of any kind and it always end the same they leave me on read or open within two day and honestly i m just a huge loser and i m ready to crash my car and die so if anyone would like to know why i did it there it is i m a fucking failure,Depression +39870,i m a frequent poster here i ve struggled all my life with these feeling thing seemed like they were getting better i wa genuinely happy and then it got taken away again i live in shitty section housing i wa kicked out several year ago and i ve been struggling to stay afloat since my mother and i recently discussed me moving back home which wa le than ideal she bought a condo and offered it to me she even suggested i get a roommate i wa overjoyed my so could move in my best friend could move it it seemed wonderful and then once i already signed the paper to move out in two month my mother told me to stop looking for a roommate she ha been considering moving into the larger bedroom and taking my kid sister with her leaving me alone in the smaller bedroom with no support and i have no place to argue against this she bought me a new car a an early birthday gift she s paying for me to go through school i m currently struggling to keep my grade up and she s rightfully angry about it my apartment is messy and she s mad about that too rightfully so i am going to lose my privacy and be stuck in the tiny condo with her without support from my so and my best friend my mother is very controlling so i know i won t be able to play video game or talk to my friend in peace it ll just be lecturing do your homework look for a better job etc etc i don t have the motivation for either i barely have motivation to go to my current job she doesn t get that i m so incredibly depressed and suicidal every single fucking day i just got rejected for a better job and now on top of all that i ll be stuck in a confined space with her with no freedom again and i ll probably become babysitter again for the child i pretty much raised for her it s not fair,Depression +39871,my chest feel so heavy and tight im having trouble breathing im nauseous and my head hurt so much,Depression +39872,i f am really at a loss right now and don t want to talk to anyone i actually know about it i failed at college left my good job for my toxic ex husband divorced in a new relationship that is turning out to be toxic a well making salary i used to renting a house i can no longer afford i don t know how i will ever get myself out of the situation i ve dug myself into at this point i ve distanced myself from the few people i wa actually close with the only reason i haven t killed myself yet is because it would destroy my mom and probably put my brother back into active addiction after year sober i don t have insurance to afford therapy i guess i m just venting and trying to make up my mind of what to do if anything,Depression +39873,a girl i absolutely love left me and doesnt want me to be apart of her life at all anymore due to too many argument in the relationship she lost her trust in me but i cant seem to get all the memory of u out of my head i love her and it hasnt gotten any easier i just dont know if i can handle the pain much longer,Depression +39874,plz,Depression +39875,i tried to od on tylenol and took like 0 pill ended up tripping ball then throwing up and being miserable for the rest of the night now i have some sort of phobia in which i can not even think about taking pill without getting extremely nauseous anyone know how to overcome this new fear is there a better subreddit to ask this question,Depression +39876,i hope everyone ha a wonderful life you all deserve good thing i m too tired,Depression +39877,idk i guess this is a vent or something but whatever lately everything ha been okay like daily wise school is okay i guess just wish every math lesson didn t either leave me with a headache or panic attack slamming door and yelling just remind me of my childhood and always sends me into a panic attack today i had two in different class i m hard of hearing and i have hearing aid i wish that i could turn them off or take them out whilst the yelling and shit wa happening but i m always in that state of freeze and panic i m the new kid no one seems to notice it which is fine home is okay there is just court and custody shit going on since my mother and father can t make one agreement now me and my brother have to go to court and get like attornies or some shit like that to settle it down i don t know i m exhausted i don t feel like living rn i feel like everyone hate me and is drifting away and i can t handle that i m clean of self harm though i m probably gon na break that after this post i ve been thinking a lot about offing myself i m so tired i don t wan na live anymore i can t live anymore to be honest i m just struggling so much fuck i can t even make it a full week of school i got sexually assaulted by my cousin on the weekend and i feel like it s my fault i just really need an escape but even getting high can t block out all the shit that go on in my head i don t wan na fail like last time i tried offing myself just too many question and everything what am i meant to do i do see a therapist and everything but i feel like it doesn t help i don t wan na be alive anymore i really don t,Depression +39878,i recently broke up with my boyfriend of year and it s because of something awful i did but i don t know what to do anymore because i ve lost all my friend and everyone close to me found out about me and now i have no one i don t know what to do and i can t take it anymore,Depression +39879,i m never enough why do people always leave why do i always scare them away i can t anymore i want everyone to be happy but i cant do it im not enough for them i wish i can make a difference i feel so alone right now i want to disappear,Depression +39880,i feel like i have no redeeming quality deficient in everything no determination strength ambition intelligence virtue im not even beautiful im ugly a shit and my personality is even uglier i just isolate myself now i can t even be bothered to try making new relationship anymore i ruin all of them with my horrible personality i dont even have to try ive sorta accepted that ill probably die alone it doesnt bother me a much now but the fact that ill have to live with this ugly face body and mind make me physically ill i just feel so fucking useless like the side character whod get killed off in the first two episode haha im literally such a goddamn loser it almost funny,Depression +39881,idk man i just really like pool and cleaning product i also love strong menthol cough drop and vics vapor rub idk if it a harmful tho is this not a good thing should i tell someone,Depression +39882,all i want is to be loved no i need to be loved i only ever end up in abusive relationship im an object i am always used the people i ve loved more than anything have hurt me more than anything i just want to be loved but i will only ever be abused,Depression +39883,my depression ha gotten much worse lately but i haven t told anyone how bad it is not even my wife because she s still grieving her mom who passed away last month and i don t want to add to her trouble i ve been having suicidal thought again but so far no intent to actually end my life however i have relapsed into self harm again and i think it s worse than it ha been before like i can t end myself because my wife and kid need me and i m now the only income earner in the house so i need to provide for my family so i m doing the next best thing and hurting myself thus why i m hesitant to tell my therapist how bad it s gotten i d voluntarily committed myself a couple year ago when i wa suicidal and told my wife so i know how that go but i know there is a risk that if my therapist think is dire enough i can be involuntarily committed and i can t afford to miss any work right now i don t know what to do i know i don t have a lot of time to decide because my next therapist appointment is in a few hour,Depression +39884,sometimes i feel like living and dreaming but most of the time i just want to sleep and never wake up i can t decide if i should die or live nothing is joyful anymore nothing make me happy and i don t love anyone rnough to live for them just in case what s a painless and quick way to go,Depression +39885,going home make me want to kill myself,Depression +39886,i just bought 0 paracetamol a 0ml bottle of vodka and some coke to balance it out i love my mom i feel like shit this happened like 0 0 0 but my crush at uni played me flirted and cuddled with me for two day only to fuck another girl right in front of my eye and after chasing him and being rejected i got bullied by our friendship group everyone cut me out and stopped talking to me he fell in love with me after i told him something private and made a playlist with song about me on his phone and i fell into a psychotic episode right in front of him i believed i could use telepathy to communicate with him i wa fully convinced he wa on heroin and took heroin for me because i d hear other thought inside of my own head i ve never loved anyone the way that i loved him and he s verbally told me to fuck off and that he doesn t want anything to do with me it kill me to know i ll never be with him when i could have university wa my last opportunity and the psychotic episode i had led to me fucking it all up i ended up dropping out and spent month in the psych ward and nothing will ever feel the same again i ll never have child or get married because i have asperger s so i fake my way through any and all conversation i lie and hide and smile but i don t have anything to say i just wanted to tell at least one person this i m going to kill myself and this is the end edit i ve taken half of the pill and i m not that drunk so i want to keep going edit had pill with coke and vodka before i felt like i needed to puke dry heaving and threw away the bottle and pill,Depression +39887,hey everyone it s me ifiwasanotaku sorry that i ended up deleting it all last time but i gave it all some time and i don t think i can sustain this life anymore a i planned before i will be dying on th april but i just wanted to reach out to everyone who reached back to me that night and asked me to think some more i will always appreciate you all and all you did i m ugly and unlovable and i don t deserve this all i hope you ll forgive me for making your effort go to waste thank you again for everything,Depression +39888,already been on ssri s and they didn t do anything i don t desire companionship or want relationship just want to kill the desire entirely,Depression +39889,i have been told by several people including my brother to kill myself recently it really just seems like everyone want me dead i ve been thinking and i know how i could do it the only thing keeping me alive is my dog but when he dy i die i cant deal with the bullying and toxicity anymore,Depression +39890,i just think about dying almost every god damn minute and it so annoying,Depression +39891,everyday i want to km but can t i ve even stood on the edge of a building ready to jump but don t how can i summon the courage to actually go through with it i hate living i hate the idea of having to do a 9 until i m 0 or 0 and have 0 0 year of limited freedom my ex broke up with me she say she doesn t have the energy to hang out with me anymore i have nothing to live for how do i just go through with it and take that dirt nap i m sure none of you can give advice on how to actually go through with it but idk maybe i just need to vent maybe i m hoping someone will give me advice i don t know what i m doing with this post,Depression +39892,i constantly have negative suicidal thought and i need it to stop,Depression +39893,so last year i made two attempt one after the other and i ve been going to the psychiatrist and psychologist ever since thank goodness i m feeling a little bit better but everytime i get sick and take medicine my stomach act up and i get diarrhea i don t know if this is the right place to ask but if anybody is a doctor could i ask you if this are psychological sequel or body sequel since my method both time wa through overdosing a bunch of pill,Depression +39894,i m not sure if this is the right subreddit to go to but i don t know where else to go my spouse ha struggled with severe depression his whole life it is genetic his dad wa the same any amount of pressure make him worse he constantly feel a though life is not worth living and he s a lost cause he will never feel okay and just want the pain to go away we have a baby coming any day now and i wa worried that pressure wa gon na send him over the edge we have been talking about having him voluntarily go to a psych ward and see if they can help kinda a a last ditch effort before i just give him permission to end it today he talked to his counselor about going to one in a few week after the baby wa here and they came and picked him up an hour later he is pissed doesn t want to be there which i understand is normal he feel completely betrayed by his councellor and never want to go back i m worried that now he is going to pretend like he is fine just to get out the point of this is to get help why won t he just take it i m scared the mental hospital won t help at all i just need you guy who have been there before to be honest with me did it help what thing helped and what made it worse if it doe help or when he come back home what are some thing i can do to continue the healing process or just make his life easier anything else you feel to share please do i hate not knowing thing and this is really killing me right now,Depression +39895,my girlfriend finally left me my depression drove our relationship into ruin it also drove my relationship with my family into the ground i feel so hopeless i feel so much sorrow and so much rage toward myself i m not emotionally stable one negative thing can put my mental state so deep in the negative i don t know what to do anymore but killing myself i feel tired all the time i try to work for something but then i fail and can t pick it back up cause of my exhaustion why is it so painful watching the people you love leave knowing you can t blame anyone but yourself and they think i m not trying hard enough or i dont care about them i just can t win the battle in my head with my depression and my anxiety i wa never religious but i started praying for god lately to end my life please i just want to go and rest i just want to be at peace,Depression +39896,i wa planning to kill myself from the last month i just wanted to spend whatever time i had with my friend and family i met up with my friend last week for what would be the last time so that wa done then i wanted to spend some time with my parent which i did yesterday and only my grandparent remained so i spent some time with them today and i decided that would jump from some tall building in the night but my grandmother surprised me with something she call dosa party so yes dosas stopped me today but i don t know that i can face tomorrow i really don t know,Depression +39897,hello idk what to do anymore my dick is fucking broken and i can t feel it anymore look up hard flaccid if you want to know it i hatey life now have little sexual interest and feel worthless idk if i ever can have fun with sex again and i m still only 0 i had my life to live but it seems over also i have some fucked up familiy and mental health problem i don t wvtn know where i ll be next year all my goal and ambition are lost i just want to end the pain is there any easy and minimal pain way to die,Depression +39898,it s been year of fighting with my brain everyday i last attempted a month ago and it wa honestly traumatizing i know it s only a waiting game till i give up again i m just sick of failed attempt and it s the only reason i m putting it off i m so over everything i didn t go to therapy this week because i couldn t face having to talk i feel so broken and unable to deal with anything and idk what to do,Depression +39899,hey guy i ve been depressed for a while now and have passive suicidal thought every day my younger sister is excelling earning lot of money travelling and living life to the full which is fantastic and i am so proud of her but i can t help comparing my low energy life lack of any friend and absence of any passion or achievement to hers a after all we came from the same weird parent if i end it the only people it would affect would be my mum she deserves better than what i have to offer but i don t know how to make her proud she must be so sick of me i just don t know what i am meant to do i m on a low income salary riddled with debt flunked university because of weed addiction i have essentially ruined my life i just wish i could press rewind on the last 0 year or at least start afresh by allowing my life energy to pas on to someone who could utilise it better what to do,Depression +39900,i am told that my perfectionism is unproductive and unrealistic that i can not perform excellently on every task i set to that this is no reason to panic and consider the worst and yet the world itself is perfection obsessed we applaud prodigy exclude people who don t perform perfectly from higher academic program idolise perfect work i can t bear it these thought are not just figment of my imagination they are very real and true i can t just dismiss them because they are uncomfortable,Depression +39901,i just want to get it over with i hate living every day knowing one day it s going to end i hate the fact that i exist at all i try to get advice from people they either tell me basically to deal with it or turn back to religion which isn t happening neither one of those doe a damn thing for me what the fuck do i do i want to blow my brain out so i don t have to worry about it anymore just get it over with losing religion wa the worst thing that ever happened to me i wa so happy when i thought god wa real now i know the truth and life mean nothing pointless,Depression +39902,not sure if anyone can relate i feel like probably not on this subreddit so i do apologise if it s rude to post here but i want to die i just don t want to kill myself i can t wait for life to be over but i don t want to just end it i want to smoke to speed up the process and i just feel a little nihilistic i wouldn t really call myself suicidal but i don t think i ll be sad when i die either,Depression +39903,at my lowest low i become very apathetic or very angry at the majority of people and object around me i feel so lonely and making good friend and dating are so difficult for me while i understand this is difficult for many people i m only really focused on myself and how i feel because when i wa suicidal last year it wa due to not caring about myself now i care about myself but i hate other people for not caring about me in the way i want them to care about me i also have basically no money i make very little at my job because they won t promote me to being a full time teacher despite me working just a much a any other full time teacher in the building just another thing i m angry at people about i really wish i could meet people for any social benefit sex cuddling someone to talk to on a regular basis someone to watch tv with or go out to eat etc i crave those social interaction but i m struggling to find anyone to fill those hole thank you in advance for any help advice,Depression +39904,is there anyone i can talk to just for a while,Depression +39905,i feel empty inside miserable and worthless i hate this pointless point of fact but what else is there here taste disdain hate and fear within myself that s all i find even though i wish to be kind i wake each day in dreadful pain hating every breath and every night i say a prayer begging for freedom for death,Depression +39906,tw for self harm abuse and suicide for the past year i ve suffered with severe depression from family genetics and other issue a a young kid death wasn t really my first thought it just kind of started appearing after a bit when i wa in middle school my close friend sexually assaulted and abused me for a year and a half they also psychologically manipulated me and abused me in way that i m shocked they got away with i have made around failed suicide attempt in my life time only one ha been severe enough to end up in a hospital because i told people but realistically there s several more that i should have been taken to a hospital for a they probably fucked up some stuff internally i form really strong and probably toxic bond with people to the point where if i think i will be left i try so hard to keep them around that it can be overbearing i ve gone to therapy since i wa in elementary school and i ve done dbt and cbt intensively i have definitely gotten better but the fact that any time someone leaf me i feel so distraught that killing myself feel like the only option my partner and i broke up at the end of january and it ha more or le destroyed me i lost my virginity to them and the breakup came out of the blue they said we could start talking again when they felt like it so i have left them alone i wa being weird about saying hi so i tried to do that some more and i wa feeling better about moving on and staying friend in the future i really haven t been feeling better i still wanted to die but i wa managing it pretty well on monday at midnight they sent a text saying they wanted to give me closure and that they never actually wanted any sort of relationship after and oops sorry about the confusion i m not sure why they sent that we haven t spoken in almost month there ha been no communication and i only told two people how i wa secretly hoping thing could be patched up everyone else who asked i had just said hopefully we can remain friend in the future i know not everyone want to stay friend but they were the one who proposed it that sent me on a spiral i broke month of self harm ripped off my fingernail in stress and haven t eaten correctly since realistically if this is going to be my response to every breakup or conflict how can i keep living like this i don t want to end my own life since a th failed attempt would be embarrassing but i also don t want to be here anymore everyone tell me that in a few month i get to move to my dream town so it ll be fine but really i don t care about that i can t handle the pain now and knowing i ll have to have it possibly many more time is excruciating i feel like i could have been a success story but realistically if it s been so long and i ve only barely gotten better then what s the point i m trying my hardest to find reason to live right now but i don t have much to care about,Depression +39907,f and going through a really bad break up up until the break up the only thing i wa scared of wa him dying when we were old now i can t even set foot in the home we once shared i am going to sleep every night with his ghost rattling in my head but he is still alive just a stranger now please tell me this crushing pain will end because if it doesn t i think i m going to have to the memory are torturing me i just want them to stop i can t learn anymore it just hurt,Depression +39908,i can t decide i really want to but then again,Depression +39909,my life is a total shitshow i had an abusive childhood physical mental and emotional abuse complete neglect and ignoring from my father and overbearing manipulation from my mother religious abuse because of the way i wa raised i wa sexually molested in high school i went from that life experience straight into unexpected motherhood and eventually a marriage that quickly became toxic but i loved him so much that i couldn t even acknowledge the abuse that wa happening more kid later i watch them living through their own childhood hell and i tried so hard to fix everything but it just kept getting worse being used worsening mental and emotional abuse trying to carry the demand and unhappiness of someone who refused to get help for their diagnosed mental issue and i began losing myself in my own anxiety and depression after year of escalating mistreatment and abuse my husband told me he wanted a divorce the following month were a nightmare i found out he wa cheating on me and went through more abuse during the process of separation i fell completely apart emotionally and began having multiple panic attack a day i couldnt eat or sleep i had heart attack brought on from the stress my husband wa still living in our house at the time but didnt even show concern or acknowledge that i almost died i wa back at work the following monday he took all the money and spent what little i made at time i couldn t even feed my kid my daughter wa buying food at school so she and her younger brother could eat i fought tooth and nail for my marriage trying so hard because even though he treated me like shit he wa my world and i loved him he had been my rock throughout my teen year helping me get through the abuse and trauma at home only to become the same type of father himself i tried to help him to help my kid and i loved them all with my entire being trying to be the glue that held u all together but i couldn t fight the inevitable my entire life wa torn apart he divorced me leaving me with our traumatized suffering kid and our broken down house to assuage his guilt i sought help because i wa self harming and suicidal i wa diagnosed with a slew of mental condition including depression anxiety and ptsd i wa not a functioning human being for at least a year i barely remember that time of my life other than the agony and feeling like a walking corpse i mourned the death of who i had been the last few year since then have been nothing but struggle too my house had already been falling apart but thing just kept worsening electrical line not working that meant no oven full size refrigerator or dish washer no air conditioning no heat no hot water a pool that is dilapidated and look like a swamp there are so many issue with the house and i can t afford to fix them those are just a few none of the paperwork wa filed by my ex either so although it s mine according to the decree it s still listed a legally his i pay a mortgage in his name i can t afford to change thing with a lawyer i make so little money i can t keep my head above water to even keep our basic need met and even though it cost too much my mortgage is still cheaper than the cheapest bedroom apartment anywhere near me i cant sell it because it in his name anyway my ex is no longer in our life i m trying to find a job that pay a decent wage but i have no college degree i need to make at least k to be able to make it and i ve applied at literally hundred of place with nothing but scam replying positively my relevant work experience is over year ago and my current job ha literally zero room to grow or increase income i hate my job my kid are mostly grown but still live at home my daughter is in college she took out loan and scholarship my oldest ha his own mental issue that prevent him getting a job my youngest is in high school i ve filed for forbearance and now am thousand behind on the house we are of the brink of losing everything if i can t pay it all back because the loan can t be modified since it in his name and i can t refinance without an up to date loan within the next few month we are facing possible homelessness in the last couple year i met a guy who i am close to although we are long distance i fell for him hard and he encouraged me in my feeling but ended up basically leading me on i got my heart broken again i hadn t thought i could care for someone again after all i had been through but being burned again especially from this man ha left me with ash instead of a heart yet i can t turn off how badly i just want to be loved and how much i care for him he s still in my life a a friend but it s painful my heart is just so far beyond simply broken i don t think i can ever recover after all i ve been through it seems like almost every day something else go wrong thing break at my house not small thing major one today it wa my daughter s laptop that she need for school and me losing my next to last pair of contact that i can t afford to buy more of just when it seems like thing might not improve but at least be okay something else happens that knock u down even further i m working job but we are bleeding money so badly i can t keep up and i am just so tired of trying to exist i hate my life the only reason i haven t killed myself is because of my kid i love them more than anything and i feel so awful for feeling this way when i know how much they love me and how i love them i m terrified of slipping back into self harm i cant cope i m in excruciating emotional pain and the stress is overwhelming i have panic attack i can t sleep i ve had to stop buying my medication because my daughter need it more my son could use mental help but i cant afford it i just need to vent to scream that i am not okay that i can t make it i m so tired so tired and i just want it all to stop i just want the nightmare of my life to end there is no more light to be found the light at the end of the tunnel really is a freight train in my experience i am broken lonely unhappy in complete despair and i feel worse than beat down i feel like roadkill like im crushed and lifeless and not even reconizable a something that wa once alive and yet still the tire come to grind me deeper into the pavement endlessly i feel worthless unlovable hopeless oddly enough i still volunteer at church but even though i still go and serve there i don t believe any of it anymore because my life ha been so bad for so long and it just keep getting worse and worse not for day or week or even month or year literal decade of trauma a lifetime of it and still it get worse i dont know how to keep going every day it s harder and harder i ll probably delete this because i already feel so exposed but i just needed to try to get it out i just want it to stop i just want it all to stop,Depression +39910,everyday at some point i get this overwhelming urge to kill myself sometimes it when i wake up sometimes it when i fall asleep sometimes it in the middle of the day there is no rhyme or reason to the timing a year ago my best friend who i went to for encouragement and care killed himself and i think he killed himself because he couldnt handle my problem on top of his own i keep cutting myself and while i dont cut that deep it get deeper everytime i do it i feel like im a disappointment to my dad and grandma since i just lay around at the house instead of going to university it just so hard to convince myself to do anything a nothing is fun anymore i used to love playing game but now that is boring and lifeless my dad think i should just push through and maybe i should but it just feel so difficult i feel like im a terrible person who abuse others for emotional gain a i will often make request of others without reciprocating and will get mad and yell at others for doing thing that inconvenience me ive been trying to do better but everytime i seem to improve i come back worse than before i think the world and my family would be better of without me being a parasite i feel like killing myself will ultimately make the world a better place im sorry for the rambling text i probably sound stupid or crazy but i wanted to get my authentic thought out,Depression +39911,i think today the day i realized my life is over and there s no point in going forward i have nothing and i never will have anything i also don t like life it s horrible people are horrible having to do shit in general is horrible being human is horrible and at my job we have those really strong pipe that could hold my weight so now i m looking for a sturdy rope i work in maintenance and then once the people upstairs leave that s when i make my attempt i hope i pull it off if anything i ll delete this post if i failed but today is the day my life end i refuse another shit day i refuse life wish me luck i m going to need it,Depression +39912,i have probably around 0g of metformin sitting next to me right now im scared but relieved that everything will finally be over,Depression +39913,i won t share detail and i won t help anyone with their plan but when you know what you want to do and how to do it being alone is really hard especially when you promised to live i don t want to do this anymore how fucking unfair,Depression +39914,hello i f have told all my friend amp family i m in a dark place i just started treatment with a therapist amp am meeting a pcp soon i am on a personal leave from work to deal with these personal issue it wa tough but i have been transparent with my support system family friend that i left an abusive relationship amp i am deeply ashamed that i almost did not leave i left my home amp family for yr amp lived with my partner in another state i just moved back in with parent grateful but struggling to adjust in my heart there is shame knowing that i only left because he admitted he did not love me for the past yr not because it wa an abusive relationship amp i nearly died i couldn t amp still can barely see past the love i had for this partner amp grasp that it wa abusive my trust wa betrayed so deeply from this yr relationship it wa a if a switch had been flipped amp the person i believed i wa in a mutual loving relationship with wa suddenly gone i wa treated so callously by my partner i know this is simply how the world is amp i need to come to term but now i struggle with depression amp anxiety with every relationship in my life i am utterly terrified to trust even family amp friend but i have been high functioning forcing myself to be active amp social my family amp friend have been here for me bringing me back from the ledge amp encouraging positive outlet like socializing with friend amp working out i am scared because all i can think in the moment of stillness is what is the point for now the point is to keep pushing on for family amp friend because i do not want them to have to live with my death if i committed suicide i feel like i am on borrowed time amp my excuse for sticking around will soon mean nothing my cup is so low i just want to sleep all day amp not wake up i m terrified i want to be okay i don t know what else to do i hate putting the pressure on my friend amp family to pull me back from this metaphorical ledge i know they love me amp they have told me i am not a burden i can not shut out that voice in my head saying i am being a burden i should just be strong get up and amp move on i just want to be able to be fine again can anyone help me by suggesting resource that i have not already exhausted or by answering the question what is the point my sibling shared that personally his point purpose in life is to spread positive energy amp change with each person he interacts with i used to amp my heart still longs to be this way but at the end of the day what is the point we re all going to die anyways i m tired someone please help,Depression +39915,i m ready to end all but i don t have the courage to do it i ve thought of different way when and where i would do it but i m scared i m a f and life isn t going well my career isn t going a planned in a few week i ll be out of a job i wa terrible at this job and had no choice but to leave i have another offer and interviewing for another place but i m scared it won t work out and i m ashamed that i have to find another job i m struggling financially and i m too scared to tell anyone i don t know how i m going to keep going i m extremely depressed and want this to end i don t know where i m heading in life what is good for me and how to keep going my life goal wa to be successful settle down and have child but i don t see that happening if i stay i see myself being unhappy in corporate america my thought are all over the place right now but i have no one to talk to i m not living the american dream i m living someone else s dream this make me think that the world would be a better place without me,Depression +39916,every day feel so fucking long and school feel even longer somehow,Depression +39917,life is just working hard at school so you can work hard at college so you can work hard at an unpaid internship so you can work hard at an unfulfilling job so you can have a nice funeral when you finally kick the bucket whats the point the only thing keeping me from offing myself is the fact that my girlfriend would be devastated and the off chance that it could fail and leave me permanently injured why do we a a specie continue to exist in this hellscape despite it inherent pointlessness,Depression +39918,i wish inwas dead i just cant take it anymore you stupid fucking redditors all you can give me is useless worthless nothing i hate you so much kill me kill ke kill me i beg of you the only thing that can validate you is to kill me ypu are worthless the only way you can regain honour is to kill me i am nothing,Depression +39919,i wont do anything because i fear hell but still i cant really explain anything about what i feel think or who i am since a kid ive felt like everything is a fever dream where im being carried by something else that i dont really have control over where i end up where i am at a point in time you ask me the type of question that relate to the my idea of myself and i lose myself and paradoxical thought and incoherent idea i feel sad happy suicidal overly optimistic manic confident in different point in time like random due to this tortured psyche i tend not to know why why is the biggest description of my life i dont why im writing this i dont know if i want a solution for this i dont why i want to know why those paradox of hope and despair make the idea of just be yourself a death sentence for myself ive pushed many away because of my mind baggage and this regret make me rather troubled i am social mostly from a intense desire to conduct and use all my mind nonsense energy into talking talking to people no biggie but when i start getting close to someone or i start liking them a timed detonation start that i dont know the countdown of eventually i will realease my mind onto them on that point in time the relationship wont be the same some people like me for this the existencial despair of my mind is very funny when you hear it talk some just stop talking to me some want to passionately help me save me from myself to be a mentor recently i have to really control it i dont know to what point im getting too i just forgot half of the thing i wa gon na say eventually what im feeling right now a mental breakdown i think maybe i just feel all the paradox getting into a boiling point will reach a limit usually i start getting into suicidal thought not because i hate the world or necessarily hate myself my life etc is a strong feeling of wanting to go away to a better place to see the beautiful thing of a different world to reset my reality to get out of here to end my mind to end my happiness and my sadness my mind suddenly calm itself the fog suddenly clear like body saying you wont die i am left wondering what wa i even thinking about i just wasted my time amp x 00b then the cycle start again i love circle amp x 00b due to this my mind want to end it own thinking meaning that i tend to seek mental damage note you can see how this is a problem for romantic relationship i mean no one want to deal with a man with deep mind issue im willing to accept that i will live and die mostly alone with no meaningfull or deep friend except my family right now and in the future i will have friend and such allways im not a loner on earth but a loner on my reality,Depression +39920,my decision is irreversable and ha been thought through for some time i don t need any you shouldn t do that dont give up i know my action will be egoistic for people around me but i couldn t care i won t suffer so they do not have to go through my suicide should i leave a good bye fuck you letter or should i just do nothing,Depression +39921,my clock ha stopped some time few year ago and never worked again i am literally living like a zombie without purpose without passion and definitely without hope i lost navigation in my life and grew indifferent to whatever happens around me i don t know why am i living till now or why should i be living in the future i started losing my ability to communicate with people my social insecurity are growing bigger and bigger sometimes i need someone to listen but i always fail to put my thought into word and end up being misunderstood my friend are awesome and understanding but it just feel terrible not being able to explain how empty shell i have become no one would believe it when you show compassion and humor all the day long right i have been suicidal for year but never had the courage to exit this life my silent life always tell me to keep it silent and never create drama out of it i am living in the shadow of this existence and i want to die in the shadow too i tried many thing to get myself out of the zombie mode i tried pushing myself into social activity i tried to exercise i traveled i met new people i tried to do what i used to enjoy i tried to experience new thing i tried to read i failed to do all because i couldn t keep my concentration enough and my thought always drifted away eventually all these attempt of escape drained my mind i am a master s degree student who should be working on thesis now but i always push the workload and procrastinate till the last moment before the deadline to be honest i don t know why i am even studying it is nothing more than another failed journey to find myself i feel that time space water food air and everything that my biological body consumes are wasted for keeping me alive while other people with actual dream and goal out there living in the most extreme hardship i am just jealous suicidewatch community what is worth living for will i ever be able to get through this,Depression +39922,i study in university and started cause liked what i wa doing computer science but now i just plainly hate it and am tired between this my mental health and my family that keep on pressuring over study non stop litteraly even though i study it but i don t want to do this anymore i just feel pain and stress for it i try to feel normal and such with some passion like learning how to draw and sing and also streaming but my family will sure just slow me down and stress me more so i study more and more then will sure interrupt my therapy soon enough saying i either have been cured or cause no money for it but they will say i just got ta study more and more at the end nothing more just study and pain study study study study i can t fucking take it anymore i can t even hurt myself enough to get into an hospital cause my family will pressure me even more later over the lost hour or will pressure and force me to study even in hospital and can t even change cause it is the only thing i know how to do i though about voice acting since i liked that too but my mom just told me the truth that there are already too many voice actor out there so it s useless and i won t get a career most probably so i m stuck in c in pain and pressured while also having to help my family around continously and i can t even fucking vent to them or scream my pain cause they will order me to not scream and say that they will feel sick including my grandma cause of my screaming giving all fault to me and i can t take this anymore i just want to rest and cry but no i got ta be in class like rn and follow and study more and more non stop my only way out then is just killing myself at this point i have no more solution this is it i can only kill myself right now at this point,Depression +39923,i have no will power to do anything i hate doing assignment and study all they do is blame me for not doing anything cuz everyone are doing the same thing and they say that i m not the only one who ha problem i don t know why i m really afraid to call it quits even my mom told me to kill my self i m not sure what i m waiting for,Depression +39924,hey my name luis and i ve lived a very hard life on march 0 0 my friend kidnapped me they tortured me they sexually assaulted me they beat me up they lighted my skin on fire and they shaved my hair and eyebrow off i thought my life couldn t get any worse after that traumatic experience but it actually did i ve been bashed i ve been portrayed my window have been smashed my property ha been stolen my mother car window have been smashed and i get made fun by people for being gay i wan na jump off and die,Depression +39925,can someone help me out and give me the most effective way to just get lost money is not a problem nor making a mess,Depression +39926,i m a stupid little bitch with a raging coke addiction unemployed have been raped time i ll never amount to anything i grew up thinking i had a lot of potential everyone thought the same thing too but i m a loser i wa wrong and so wa everyone i m now figuring out a way i can finally do it i m done,Depression +39927,i constantly have suicidal thought even if i m doing ok it s like it s always in the back of my mind i have my dark day where it s all i can think about but it s still back there during the good day too i feel like i m strange for constantly thinking about it even if i m happy,Depression +39928,while i wait for my school counselor to give me an update on the whole online school therapy thing i wa convinced to check out a confidential free and text based crisis hotline it s apparently designed for teen like me who have noone in their life that they could talk to now for me personally my experience wa subpar i don t want to disrespect the volunteer work there but after the successful attempt one in the morning and one just hour earlier i felt like i wa just a number on a waiting list the system constantly kicked me out of the conversation and the one time i actually had a decent conversation it felt like they were trying to cast me aside a quick a possible a soon a i mentioned that music help me organize my thought at time they told me to just listen to music and the conversation closed immediately after maybe i m stupid or maybe it s just my anxiety and paranoia but they seemed annoyed i guess it would help to say what i wa expecting i wa thinking it would be a deep dive into why i feel the way i do but it wa more just a short session of giving me a metaphorical ice pack and sending me home with an old stale lollipop if i didn t feel worthless enough already then well a for the nd successful attempt it wa even shorter they asked me how i wa feeling they asked a question to confirm what i said i answered and then the very next message wa telling me that i must ve stepped away and that the conversation had been closed the automated reply also hit me with a stinger saying you matter it doesn t feel like it it doesn t help that i had to reply stop over and over because i kept getting auto reply from the bot needle to say i have le faith that online school therapy will even put a dent in how i feel tldr seeking help a many advise when situation like these crop up hasn t worked this time around and my already weak ability to see a good future for myself ha withered away a bit more,Depression +39929,i am gon na make sure i m dead by tomorrow morning every woman is disgusted by my horrendous face and would rather die than speak to someone who look like me time to die,Depression +39930,this person know everything that s going on in my life i ve been trying not to drink much recently been a couple month now i went from downing a pack a night to nothing i quit nicotine at the same time i m in so much mental and physical pain it s unbearable i told her i want to drink i can t take life anymore she told me i can t i made a joke i said i should get a pas because i want to die idk why that s funny i find it hilarious if those are really the only two option maybe i should just go back to drinking every night i can either be numb or dead both sound real nice right about now i hope she s not on reddit that would be awkward,Depression +39931,i m gon na go through with it this time just got ta graduate and at least get this stupid degree first,Depression +39932,is my life over i m m i ve never really had many friend and have lonely and depressed for pretty much all my life my family situation ha always been kinda fked up too however my senior year of h i finally got a group that went to hoco with me and i ve talked to them and played video game with granted they weren t a close a friend could be but i still loved them man they also are friend with a big group of girl so recently tik tok comment from month ago and a verbal comment from month ago were brought up upon my investigation i couldn t find any proof of that verbal comment heck i don t even remember saying it so it ha to be false or blown up from something much more minute i do remember saying these girl made my only friend in the world drop me and have ruined my reputation i keep thinking suicidal thought wishing i had a gun to end it but then i remember my family and life i have i wa so excited to start college too but now they re trying to talking to school admin about this they have 0 proof so i don t think much will happen but i m so lonely now and want to kill myself it s all i can think about i wanted to go to prom with them to a senior summer trip with them but now it s all over man i wish i had a gun and could end it without hurting my family,Depression +39933,i had more hopeful talk with friend and family i can t see all tryied to convince me it get better but at the end of the night i cry myself to sleep alone wishing i had cut just a little bit deeper the first time i don t care if it get better anymore i don t care if i never speak to anyone again i just want this to stop i hate this just believe shit,Depression +39934,it happened this morning we were both good friend we had many similar interest we rocked out and jammed to metallica a x and other metal band however we both lead different life i wa currently studying and he wa a dropout i grew busy with my internship and i did not talk to him a much i know he contemplated suicide before but that wa a while ago and i assumed he wa okay until today i feel like i have let him down i should have talked to him more often we were even planning to hang out soon i m at a lost for word i want to cry and let everything out but i can t i just can t i m tired of everything just a few month ago my family member attempted suicide because of my mother s infidelity i m not even sad no more i m just sick and tired,Depression +39935,when i wa i sa d a girl in her sleep why i don t know i feel like shit every day because of it it genuinely make me feel like shit when i think about it i just don t wan na live anymore i ve made so many drastic mistake that i don t see the point in life now the sa story ha gotten around school i know and understand i did this to myself but i can t help but feel like shit i really just want to go back and get my old life back but no one belief me when i say i m sorry or i feel like shit because of it i feel remorseful but there s no way to convey that,Depression +39936,my parent expect 90 and above and i failed after answering the paper i told them it wa easy even though it wasn t a i dint want a scolding then now it worse and they expect good mark i got above 0 0 only in subject out of 0 idk what to do anymore,Depression +39937,i don t really know what to do anymore like for almost 0 year i ve always been sad mostly because of my own inabilites yes i m talentless and below average intelligence then we kinda move here in a rural area ran into financial trouble which lead to me having chronic depression where every waking moment i feel so frustrated and anxious of my situation i wa socially isolated in school and wa looked at like a failure at home i managed to get by for the next year after that even i don t know why now i kinda get a silent anxiety attack now and then even on the slightest thing my mental health is on the brink of just breaking i can t take that anymore please suggest a way to end myself in a rather non violent manner i think it s my time to move on from our cruel world,Depression +39938,i wa a good kid class president one of those pesky mormon missionary after highschool on scholarship etc then at i snapped and went to prison for ten year i vowed to overcome it got out finished college and married le than five short year of being free i threw it all away and went back for another year on a parole violation finding out that week that my poor unsuspecting wife wa pregnant with our only child i struggled through five more year of incarceration dragging my entire family through the nightmare that is the criminal justice system again while my now ex wife struggled to have our baby and support herself i ve been free again for under two year i ll never have a good job i see my son for two brief hour a month and he barely know my name my family who wa heavily involved in his life while i wa incarcerated is now prevented from seeing him or even knowing about him for my ex everything i have is because of the charity of others and i ve earned nothing on my own other than disdain the direction my life took wa unexpected to everybody i wa expected to be so successful but here i sit year old with no hope of a meaningful life 0 year gone in the blink of an eye hell a a felon many people would just prefer i wa dead anyway to look at me you would never know that all of this is in my past the only friend i have are people i ve met online who don t even know my real name a all of my old friend have long since moved on with their life i would have ended it all already and in fact tried while incarcerated but i m just too damn scared at the heart of all of it i m just a coward,Depression +39939,hello i am year old and a senior in high school i also have adhd and autism i have been suicidal twice before th th grade and 0th grade but this is possibly the worst it s been the disaster started back in september when i got diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called nf everything i have heard about this disorder from doctor and online sound fucking horrible and nothing i want to live with then in october i met my first girlfriend so i wa happy for a bit but if course that went south too i ll just get right to the point when the relationship started i made clear to her that i didn t want sex and she agreed however later that same month she talked me into it in november december she asked for it multiple time a day and guilt tripped me when i said no she made me feel horrible when she did this then in january i wa saying no repeatedly and she just pulled my pant down and started riding me even though i wa trying to push her off and safe wording i broke up with her in february but there s been drama and social bullshit ever sense in addition recently i got in an apartment fire for the second time in my life this caused me to lose all my belonging they are allegedly being cleaned but it s taking for fucking ever this mean i don t have many of my coping mechanism which is only adding to the stress we had to stay at a hotel for a few night and now we re in a new apartment but it s not the same but that s not all my shitty life ha to offer in addition i have medical debt i also tried calling the suicide hotline the other day and the lady on the phone said what do you want me to do about it and later she hung up on me even aside from all the stuff i mentioned there s several more recent incident i m just to emotional to type it all up now i honestly don t know what to do i keep thinking that thing will get better soon but the only get worse,Depression +39940,i graduated not too long ago have work experience and can t find a job for a long while now i want to scream everyday i see no end to this and my entire life ha been a testament to how useless and garbage i am i just don t want to exist anymore,Depression +39941,i f attempted to take my life five day ago it wa my second serious attempt i took a couple of pill and alchohol and walked out on my ledge living on the fifteenth floor made it so much more easier i spent all night out there on call w a friend who managed to keeo me safe till i passed out my dad wa woken up at am by another friend of mine who tried entering my apartment and they pulled my back into my room unconscious my parent haven t spoken to me about it theyve nailed my window shut and don t let me stay alone in my room i m getting a new psychiatrist i m not allowed out or allowed to hang w my friend after school they also didn t let me skip school this whole week even though im still not fully recovered i feel like a prisoner in my own house i get why they re doing it but they way they ve gone about it only make it worse to make matter worse it drove most of my friend away a discord server that i considered my main support group won t let me back in unless i get better most of my irl friend decided to give up on me they told me they re done trying to help someone who doesn t wan na be helped i feel like i have nothing good left in my life and i m forced to live only cause my parent want me to everyone know about my attempt at school and they don t seem to care either they just look at me like i m crazy and many of my classmate barely talk to me anymore i ve already been treated bad because of my selfharm scar and rumour about my sex life and alchoholism i m forced to be sober i m grounded and have no privacy or freedom no safe place no one i can fully trust and i m still expected to be a fully functional person and do well at school by my parent i don t know what to do anymore i feel hopeless and alone and just want it to end,Depression +39942,i m so tired of trying and i know i m not even trying that hard anymore i used to be more enthusiastic and put more effort in but now even if the smallest thing go wrong i give up i just don t have the strength to try anymore my self hatred ha been getting worse nothing i do is good enough i am continually disrespected by the people in my life i just don t see the point if i have to continue to struggle like this i never asked to be born so why do i have to continue suffering through life i just want to lay down and wither away i have no value anyway i m not convinced that i can continue to do this anymore,Depression +39943,please just end it please ive tried od ing ive tried slitting my wrist i cant do it right just someone tell me the fastest and least painful way,Depression +39944,a strange calm came over me tonight and i realised this is what i have to everything hurt every single thing i find everything so hard i m making this post just incase my daughter ever find it i do love you so much i m sorry i couldn t help you and be the mother you deserved i m so sorry bird,Depression +39945,i just don t know how much longer i can do this life is too much,Depression +39946,legit i am yet i wan na end it bad parent not my other one tho there good friend don t even care and only talk to me if i talk to them yeah and i m trans i didn t ask to be born male did i fuck it,Depression +39947,i am on the verge of going absolutely insane i can not take being alive anymore i am a prisoner in my own life i feel dead and so alive at the same everyone in my city at my age is either weird rude or awkward modern human are weak impulsive and oblivious i hate my generation and i hate how the internet ha ruined my life and so many others around me i feel like i am living in hell and i want to die nobody is at my level nobody understands how hard i try every person alive is a weak worm that deserves to die,Depression +39948,i wa supposed to stab myself in the heart in the desert in joshua tree in november 0 i thought i wa ready i decided not to because i realized i d probably have to stab myself more than one time and i knew i couldn t mentally handle that i felt depressed enough to stab myself but not psychotic enough to keep going especially after physical shock also part of me wanted to see if i could fix thing and it wa like i went on a mission with myself to see if life wa worth it if my life is worth living the answer is no it s definitely no i want out i want off this fucking ride i wish thing were different but they aren t i even went to the fucking hospital voluntarily for help since my last post here absolute hellhole i don t even have word for you about what happened darkest week of my life people are sick i m so much worse i can t explain what s happened it s not like gunnhild from viking but i m at the marina and someone abandoned their bonfire left it all for me i tried to give an older woman passing by the last of my cash cause she wa picking up recyclables she refused and wa sweet she said to not sit here at night she wa concerned that i m young and there s crazy people out here no offense but i m the crazy person ma am sweet lady i had asked god for a sign i got a fucking sign i told god or the universe or whatever that to commit suicide i needed to be pushed and i got just that tenfold i m proud of myself for pushing a hard a i did for lasting this long i don t need to prove to other people i fought i know i did and i can rest better knowing i kept that promise to myself i wish i had seen more of the world and visited more city but i ve had my fill of humanity i can t do it anymore i hate the way people treat each other how much bullshit is always involved i m tired worn out no amount of sleep or rest touch this kind of tired hell is hell i hope my next life is gentler i hope the tide are kinder i hope i receive love i never have to defend myself from i give myself peace now because i can not find it here my life is obligated to no one amp nothing else im truly sorry signing off from one depressed person to whoever read this what happened to me mattered finally good luck asshole,Depression +39949,i m not even gon na use an alt for all this shit any more this account probably won t be active from now on i guess it s time to delete everything and sort thing out one final time i m tired i m done i don t know if anyone will see this and i honestly don t care i mean if you are reading this then it s just a waste of time just like me i ll never change no matter what happens sorry apparently it didn t take me too long to fuck up a new friendship not surprised i really did want to join and play game and all that shit and try to talk to others make friend and help but i can t be bothered and i don t try that should be obvious i m a lazy little shit with no motivation to make thing better i usually just laugh in text even if i m not actually laughing to make the situation lighter or something idk yeah i m a mean person you should hate me you should just leave me alone that ll be better for everyone i m actually surprised it lasted this long i didn t really come her to rant i don t know why i exactly came here or why i typed this one of the many problem i just wan na say ig gon na leave the majority of depressing stuff out i really hope you don t see this i ll just leave at the end of this week when i m done preparing i ll let you know exactly when i m leaving in a subtle way a to not make you sad again ahahh i ve tried not a lot i can t remember the exact number they obviously didn t work out and i never got caught pathetic right sorry but i m gon na make sure it work this time around no matter what that wa my last try at friendship or anything else a a matter of fact i guess i m just not suited for this stuff and life my personality is absolutely shit i wish i didn t get attached for useless reason and then not try at all i made you feel like hell i m absolutely shit i know i am everything you said is correct i read every last bit live well have fun byebye,Depression +39950,i know a lot of people are like you ll get over him over time and shit like that but he wa the best thing to have happened to me at this point it s not even love it s way more than that i put him up on a pedestal and admired him he made me so happy i m not close with any of my friend or family but with him i wa the most comfortable my world revolved around him because he deserves the world and more the way he helped me when i wa at my worst made me feel so appreciated i can go on and on hour and hour year and year talking about the love i have for him but no word can fully express it but of course he left me and it s all my fault he told me he didn t see himself being happy in the long run due to how high maintenance i wa that broke me in just a second my whole world is gone and it s all my fault i just wish i could reverse time and change the way i acted the only thing stopping me from committing suicide is the fact that we can still get back together but i just feel so hopeless right now i have had hopeless and suicidal thought before but he always wa by my side and helped me through it all now without him i basically have nothing all i want right now is him i ll give up anything for him i ll give up my phone all my money my academic achievement even my body part for him he is all i want and all i see and it s killing me and i feel so fucking selfish for that he said he wouldn t be happy with me in the long run and here i am begging for him back i m so mad at myself for making him feel unhappy yet still wanting to be with him he deserves more than me but i still want him i can t live without him and i can t live with myself i just want to talk to someone who went through is going through the same experience a me i feel stupid for putting my whole world into someone s hand but it felt like they deserved my whole world i feel so alone,Depression +39951,why am i still alive i havent done anything with my life other than eat and leech of my parent and im already why am i still here,Depression +39952,this way the people clearing out this flat will have le work i dont want to cause more work than nessecary,Depression +39953,the only thing that s keeping me from ending it all is because it would upset my family i seriously don t know what to do i lack ambition and that lack of ambition go too well with my lazy habit i m stuck taking care of my diabetic mother that doesn t really leave much for a social life my sibling have their own life with their partner my dad is off with his secret family or something i ve deleted my fb account year ago because i wa sick of seeing every one of my h friend being better off but i think i just isolated myself further and ended up worse for it i feel lately like i m just gon na snap i end up cry at night and i don t remember why afterwards trying out new thing is a bit limited with budget and me being ashamed of leeching off my sibling dropped out of college twice since 0 0,Depression +39954,this doesnt feel real anymore i dont feel like myself everything is the absolute worst it can be and it just doesnt feel right to be alive i feel like im in a coma or a dream and i ll just wake up when this is all over i just want that to happen a soon a possible,Depression +39955,i ve been wanting to kill myself for a while but i tried to be strong and i kept fighting it i kept looking for a calling something to give my life meaning and everytime i think i got it it s just ripped away and i m slapped by reality i m tired of it the longer i stay alive the more i just drain the energy from the people i love killing myself would hurt them emotionally for sure but logically it be the best thing for them no more worrying about the loser,Depression +39956,i ve been suicidal since th grade i ve never fit in any crowd and my mind subconsciously mirror people i m talking to because of trauma and now idk who tf i really am i don t remember 0 of my life even the bit and piece i remember are of abuse and trauma my mind is a terrible place and i can t escape it after fighting for year i m done i have no hope or fight left in me it suck cause i wa so close to have all i ever wanted a good research career someone who d love me a i am a fresh start in a new country but my parent fucked everything up they will never let me live my life peacefully and tbh i too don t really wan na fight anymore people always say i m strong but it s pathetic that i ve spent all my childhood teenage and adulthood trying and learning to be strong so i could withstand more abuse while others had fun had hobby learned new skill travelled loved and lived my strength just got me more scar and more trauma it s stupid really anyways all my life i fought for a way out now my dad just like that blocked it and i can t do much about it i m so furious at this world and my parent and everyone who bullied and abused me into killing myself they ve won a lot of time it s just another win for them and it ll give eternal freedom for me so i think no one got nothing to lose i m planning to kill myself after i made sure my death is gon na put all of my abusive family member into jail i m gon na collect evidence it might sound cruel but idgaf i just wanted to vent it out not seeking for advice,Depression +39957,would anyone rlly care if i killed myself,Depression +39958,i lost my ambition when i wa somewhat and now we re 0 going on failed everything don t know what to do or who to talk to i told myself in september that if i end up in the same position i wa in the year prior i d kill myself seeing a i wa unable to find some shred of purpose then time ha repeated itself and now i m obviously anxious about it but i don t know if i can find another purpose because of the backlash i would receive from my family for wasting their time i told myself thing would be different but they never changed even if i tried my best to change them so if this is my last post then it s my last post i chose reddit i just hope in the next life if there is one that god at least give me more willpower and or intelligence because i honestly can not traverse this planet in this meatbag,Depression +39959,i beginning to think more and more that i am not suited for this life thing i don t think i wa ever meant to find happiness peace in this lifetime i think i wa set up to fail from the start i want the deepest of connection while i wa born with the frailest of heart the slightest touch i bruise a little pressure and i bleed there s no way this is going to work there s only a buildup of crushed expectation a i stuff myself back into the darkness deeper each time i won t last much longer never in my life ha anyone needed or wanted me a much a i them and that hurt i cling to the smallest of gesture am i crazy to think i m thankful to have met you mean being appreciated human to human i just want a piece of that closeness everyone else seems to have i just don t want to be alone for once not to be other is that too much to ask for or do i not deserve it what s the point i m never going to feel fulfilled in this lifetime anyways,Depression +39960,im planning to do it myself in the future and im so fucking happy that you have the choice to end it all whenever you want i feel happy knowing this are the last couple of year and then every shitty thing is going to disappear and no my problem have no solution it not something it could be changed im just afraid about the pain it could cause me in the last minute but better get minute of pain than year of a shitty life,Depression +39961,got my loan i m officially 90k in debt now i can t die with a clean conscience dying would put all that debt on my wife i mean i have life insurance and if it happens to be an accident i think it double so financially she should be fine assuming i don t get fired first but now my mood is just shitty before i wa okay with dying now i feel just a much a burden alive than i do dead i wrote this before but there is a certain freedom in coming to term with death a calm malaise that feel good like everything and everyone doesn t matter,Depression +39962,i don t understand i got the dream girl and i m doing so good why do i still want to die why doe it still seem so appealing,Depression +39963,i m feeling so hopeless right about now and just want to be free of this pain i m going through nothing seems to be going right for me and it suck i want to get off of this damn ride and be done with it all,Depression +39964,can t wait,Depression +39965,yesterday when i woke up i made my final decision to take my own life i have thought it over and even though there may be other option i decided that i am ready to just simply give up a the ongoing struggle ha made me decide it s not worth the pain i haven t felt anything but numbness for year i ve become obese my body is in terrible shape i ve battled with addiction but somewhat recently ive started to get over it when i finally thought that wa going well and started to be proud i wa met with people who didn t seem impressed and moreso judged the small victory i felt i guess because they didn t realize just how bad my situation wa three week off of hard drug wa a major milestone for me but people said it wasn t good enough and that i wa pathetic for thinking it wa impressive i don t see a bright side a i am finishing college even though i wa given a great job offer because i would just be continuing a life in a city where everyone hate me while i can work a lot and be miserable i am not the type to go out and leave on my own i would do nothing but recluse myself and probably miss home if i moved away i recently came to the realization that outside of the people that are friend with me my public perception is very much that i am a loser my antic have made people that used to consider me a friend not even like me a a person a girl i used to love decided to lead me on somewhat recently just to tell me her friend and everyone else hate me and that she would never consider dating me this wa essentially my tipping point i have decided that thursday night when i am returning from a work trip i am going to park my car on the way home by a bridge i am going to start drinking heavily i will make it look like i lost control a i drive through the rail and into the water those that know me will find this heartbreaking but ultimately not shocking and devastating in the way a suicide might affect them they will be able to cope with the loss without wondering if it wa their fault the only flaw in my plan is i have written a note to be left with my closest friend because one thing i can t do is leave without letting him know how much i appreciated everything he s done for me i simply can not do that but that is one thing that might ruin the hidden intent of my action,Depression +39966,this ha ruined my life the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my baby boy his mother manipulates me she s emotionally abusive and i don t know how to stand up to her i can t i m so afraid she ll take him away from me i can t keep doing this and i can t kill myself but i think i will i think he ll be better off without me i m a mess my finance are a mess my emotion i can barely take care of my own thing i m in so much turmoil i constantly fantasize about offing myself and every few day i sit there with a gun to my head and i just can t do it i think of my boy and then the pain is worse fyi we were engaged and shit fell apart for good last year october we still live together because we have a lease on a house and housing right now is a bitch nothing available so i m trapped here,Depression +39967,in my profile if you want to read it,Depression +39968,that s when i ll do it one month after i turn i ll take my parent car out to a shed and block the exhaust pipe i ll leave it running and take a bunch of pill and fall asleep in the back seat a peaceful way to go out i hope it work i can t wait,Depression +39969,last time i attempted i failed for like the th time and i m not going to mess up another one this time is going to be my last so i hope y all will stop worrying about me because i don t deserve it and i m not worth worrying about it s going to happen today or tomorrow most likely tomorrow though bye,Depression +39970,i have 0 success in life even duo i wa given every opportunity to grow myself i strugglecwith my mental health for about year now i m at the moment every year i hope thing will change for good but every time i feel immense disappointment i can t find any reason to continue living with every breath of air i feel like poison fill my lung most of my day i stare blankly at a random space imaging my death i crave to die life consists of little to no joy why is suicide considered a cowardly act i believe the opposite is true a the one who kill himself chooses to die in his own circumstance imagine how much power it take to jump off a building or cut one own vein vertically i recently cutted my wrist horizentaly just a little bit i wanted to see blood to feel pain i felt so connected with reality what an amazing experience pain is my only way to remember i m alive physical pain also help me forget of my failure of who i m an empty shell who keep existing a zombie who just want to be buried again if god exists we are all his slave,Depression +39971,i don t know what i m supposed to do anymore i can t even remember what it s like to be normal it s felt like i ve been in hell i need it to end now,Depression +39972,ive wanted to go for a while now and im just getting tired honestly i hope ill find a way before year because i dont wan na live much longer n i really dont have a future ahead of me,Depression +39973,this isn t the normal kind of post i would write and my follower are probably going to leave because of this but here i am most of the time i have the thought in passing if i were dead i wouldn t have to deal with all of this or life is just too hard i wish i wasn t here lately thing in my life have gotten really bad i had a miscarriage in january it sucked because my husband and i had been trying to get pregnant for a long time and had been told that it wasn t going to be possible without intervention or weight loss or both but there we were pregnant and all of a sudden not pregnant i spent the last year dealing with some drama at work that took me over the edge more than a few time i wanted to kill myself so badly but i never told anyone about it i d mention to my therapist that i wa having the suicidal thought and he d check in but i reassured him that i d be ok and he would remind me of all the time i had been here before and gotten out of it now i m looking at a tough situation at home i am not going to go into detail about it but thing are hard at the moment and i find myself feeling trapped unwanted and like more of an annoyance than anything it suck to feel that way in your own home i honestly don t know what i m doing any more and the suicidal thought are getting more real and more pervasive i am finding it hard to stay in a good place i m finding it hard to think logically about it all i feel is desperation and a strong desire to just end it to be done with the fight of having to live with constant depression and anxiety just having rest from that would be a relief but also i know i shouldn t do it life suck and it shouldn t be this hard wish i could feel loved supported and like my life actually matter yet here i am,Depression +39974,over the past few month i ve felt like shit i ve been tired lonely and the depressed and on the verge of just doing it i ve had multiple occasion where parent haven t been home and i m just sitting there thinking about committing to doing it i can t handle the pressure of everyone around i feel like no body would really care even if i did end it all i don t have many friend and verbally abusive family member brother and mom i feel like nobody would miss me i m told several time a day at school to km and that no body would care i have alot of child hood trauma from growing up that i don t want to get into my home life and school is very verbally abusive to me i get shoved into locker at school jumped one kid even broke my tibia in the hallway i m never happy and haven t been happy in several year a soon a i get happy i go back to having bad thought again for example today my mom wa out picking up furniture and i wa at home watching tv she wa out for at least an hour at this point but then a little bit after i just had the sudden urge to do it i then called mom and tolled her that i threw up which wa a lie so she could come home and stop me from hurting myself tomorrow i m going to tell her everything that ha been happening and hopefully getting some therapy and medication do you guy have any suggestion for what i could do to be a little more happier sometimes,Depression +39975,i hate myself i ve dreamed about finally gathering the courage to end my life for about year i have everything i need my basic need are met all paid by my caring family i m finishing a college degree also fully paid by my parent i feel weak and pathetic i see people with real issue traumatic shit who go on with their life while i m sitting here wanting to end my life without a reason why do i feel like this it feel invalid i ve never faced adversity every second of my life i ve spent tearing myself apart the only reason i haven t jumped in front of the metro is that i m scared to end up quadriplegic i m scared of everyone finding out that despite having my life served to me on a platter i still want to die i feel pathetic small and alone and i m scared i m starting to lose control of it before suicide felt like a refuge or a safe place to escape if necessary but now it s overwhelming and persistent i don t want to feel like this anymore but i can t stop it everything i do feel wrong i ve isolated myself from everyone and by the time i realized how lonely i felt i couldn t find the courage to reach out despite having everything given to me i feel like a failure and i hate everything about myself self loathing ha become the only way i interact with who i am and everything i do i feel like i don t deserve help i ve never faced adversity i m scared of failing to kill myself but i can t stop thinking about it,Depression +39976,title should ve been will it work within the hour i ll electrocute myself i ll sit with my foot under salt water one end of the electrical wire will be under water and the other plugged in the outlet will it work,Depression +39977,i didn t think i d end up posting here but here it is i feel like i ve exhausted all option in life i ve tried to combat loneliness i have i ve gotten involved with club of interest i ve done martial art i ve initiated conversation i m so close to just ending it man i ve hit low many time before but this time is different because i fucking tried to make thing different i meet someone we connect and end up hanging out and then they fade away unless i initiate i ve had friend flake repeatedly after i ve invited them numerous time or people that don t invite me out after i had done so in the first place yadda yadda hell this all started at the beginning of this year when i realized how people viewed me at my martial art gym the coach thought i wa arrogant because i silently carried myself with newfound confidence in life so i fucking left point is i ve gotten no reciprocation even after they ve shown genuine interest i ve gotten with a girl a while ago that i still fucking think about knew her for le than a month before i made a move she wa interested and we made out multiple time i had friend and i got with this hot girl so it seemed thing were finally coming together i ask her out and she enthusiastically accepts the day before the date she rescinds and want to be friend instead haven t seen her since that wa damn month ago man story of my life i ve got no family no friend year old i feel nothing anymore been lifting for year and getting stronger and i feel nothing no interest in shit felt confident in myself until recently since i guess isolation took it s toll a i said i ve been through this before but i m sick and tired of it now that i know that i ve tried i can be at peace with ending my life,Depression +39978,what is the point of going on when your parent don t like you your friend are nonexistent and your school is the most unsupportive and toxic place you could be in i m not loved by anyone i doubt i will be so forever i ll be alone i might a well take all the pill in the house nobody will have cared about me anyways,Depression +39979,i have never been a good person i think being a bad person wa hard wired into me and i don t think i can separate myself from the bad i ve done unspeakable unforgivable thing that i can t atone for i m both a bully and a coward with so many issue that my therapist couldn t find a solution i ve written ton of letter so people can understand my exact thought process and why i need to do this it doesn t even make me sad anymore it just feel like something that need to happen,Depression +39980,my boyfriend then dad and mom passed away all within a year of each other i have tried to move on but the grief is immense also i just lost my job and am about to run out of money i just can t take it anymore and i want to be with my family who i loved very much i have a plan and am thinking about going to the desert where no one would find me this is sad and i can t even afford a therapist anymore because insurance is too expensive i m not ok,Depression +39981,don t want to live anymore i m tired of this i m tired of being in society and having to be with people just want to be left alone forever fuck everything i m a failure,Depression +39982,title pretty much,Depression +39983,i m fucking done trying everything hurt i m tired of being a loser at life and being myself i m just tired of trying so hard with recovery and feeling like no matter what i m not really meant to recover like my mind ha been set on suicide and death for so long that i feel so lost without it i am just a fucking failure okay i failed at life i m a year old loser who really fucked up his life beyond repair and i see no way out besides death if we get graded for how we did in life i d get a big fat fucking f i know i only started recently and i should take thing slow and take thing day by day blah blah blah but at the end of the day i m still me and i can t live with myself i truly wish my mother could understand that i really can t live being me anymore i feel so claustrophobic inside my own self with so much self hate and rage a though i could explode i wish i could collapse or sink inside myself wandering aimlessly and wondering how did thing happen to be like this how did my life become such a fucked up mess it s all just so overwhelming i can t fathom how i m going to keep this recovery facade up any longer wa this just a reminder of how pathetic i ve become is recovery just another way of pretending to be something i m not i don t know anymore i just want to cry without end i am tired of being like this i m tired of being me what can i do what the fuck can i do i feel so lost and broken you see maybe some people just never were meant for life no matter what after being like this for year death is all that matter to me and once death becomes your everything it s hard to turn back i don t know what to do besides kill myself tonight,Depression +39984,i simply don t care anymore they took away the reason i began to feel hope in living again i don t trust anyone i just feel the world is a horrible place i just want to die and find peace i can t handle anymore this feeling of hopelessness anxiousness and resentment i hate living and i hate everyone i m just a fucking burden i can t even find the courage to end it all sometimes can t believe i ve become that miserable people my age are excited to begin their life and i just want it to end right now we are just slave of a system that exploit u what s the fucking point of trying anyways pls someone help me,Depression +39985,tw childhood abuse abandonment addiction emotional neglect i think that what it called and sibling abuse ive dealt with the favoritism of my sister since i wa she wa diagnosed with adhd and therefore needed more attention than i have ever received she stopped being my dad favorite after she started criticizing his addiction but that wa around year later i grew up taking care of myself my own need i had nobody it became worse when my dad addiction did he wa nicer to me than my mom who really used me a her own punching bag by screaming at me for anything and everything my dad fully forgot about me he wa my only friend in the family even though like my mom he did care about my sister more but having somebody le bad wa better than having nobody my sister starting abusing me when i wa 0 she wa her mental health wa really bad making my mom cater to her even more than shes already done now my little attention turned into none my sister could and still can do anything to me and would get away scot free she physically mentally and emotionally abused me and i wa only told to suck it up and to just move on this ha gone on for the next year of my life my dad moved out around year ago not without leaving me with another set of trauma now im dealing with cptsd although my sister ha gotten somewhat better she would constantly run away did drug physically hurt everyone in the family and more but shes insanely rude due to my mom letting her do whatever she want and also extremely aggressive i started doing a lot worse im always extremely irritable and angry and ive been dealing with lot of anxiety and severe depression i see a therapist im working hard to get through my trauma but my mother only belief that i should be fine that even after dealing with abuse and being fucking ignored my entire childhood that i should be a okay and act like a normal year old she continues to get angry at me for my outburst which i understand but will then tell me that she doesnt understand why and will then tell me how awful i am and how i dont do anything she doesnt understand that i have lost interest in many thing and refuse to let me take mental health break because for some reason in her fucking mind i dont need them all she doe is tell me how awful i am how i dont do enough how we dont have any money all of this bullshit im not allowed to stand up to my sister because when she attack me even after ive done nothing it all my fault she one time attacked me over fucking brownie brownie im guilt ridden and tired living feel pointless to me at this point i have nothing going for me and what feel like nobody i dont why ive stayed this long maybe it sheer fate or some stupid reason that i cant put my finger on i know that soon enough ill be suicidal again a surprise surprise going through this much trauma make people want to kill themselves im aware that ill have to spend the next what 00000 year trying to overcome my trauma but i just wish that my mother would be there for me because if she wa truly there i would want to live i just want her to finally love me,Depression +39986,no matter the progress i seem to make regardless of how happy i feel and the more successful my life becomes in spite of all this when i lay my head down to sleep my first thought are always taking my own life i ve lost count of the time i ve imagined shooting myself through the mouth or taking a shotgun and blowing my head off into the lake these thought are persistent and nagging and feel a though with each passing day they become closer to reality i don t believe this will happen in the immediate future but it doe seem an inevitably that will happen in 0 year time i ve started to even think of a framework of how it should go write the letter say my last word to friend and loved one make confession to a priest set a firm date and decide on the method i wonder if by writing this i bridge the gap even further,Depression +39987,i have money for or more month rent then i ll be on the street i m in crippling debt i ve been drinking nonstop for the last day when i hit the street i m going to start using fentanyl again where i ll inevitably od and die at some point is there any hope for people like me people that hurt everyone around them destroy everything they touch i ve dug my own grave i m sure people want me dead anyway eh fuck this noise,Depression +39988,friend just attempted to jump off a building approx hr ago though he s fine atm he blocked literally most if not all ppl s contact to him and of course there s fucking omicron so i physically can t go see him right away can i get some advice here on what to do in this situation edit it got slightly better now a he s at least turned back up on his social medium,Depression +39989,i want it to end i can trucking take it i want to end it all i can t do this i can t keep surviving like this i feel like i m drowning all my emotion all the work all the people in my life it make me feel so alone and tired i don t want to be here i can t even reach out to anyone i know and it fucking suck,Depression +39990,i m starting to think i m probably suicidal but i don t really notice it if that make any sense i do thing like overdose on medication i say it s to get high but honestly i don t think that s my intention anymore i feel like i just don t give a shit about my life i fried my brain smoking weed and had a psychotic break and my therapist implies that i m stupid i hate myself and i just want to fucking off myself once and for all who know i might be going insane and i just don t give a shit anymore my life feel like trash even though i had every opportunity in the world to improve myself i feel like a complete failure and and idiot that deserves death i just don t care i don t give a shit i never did and i never will,Depression +39991,i m not depressed or in depression i think there is a lot to live for in life actually but lately i ve been having thought of suicide it s not every hour of every day but something will happen and i ll just casually think to myself what the hell f ck this and fast forward to when i m dead i have every reason to live i have a roof over my head food on the table and a small circle of friend a job so i m not planning on taking the plunge anytime soon but i just can t help but think after an event or something that ha happened to me involving me that maybe i should what if a opposed to when amp x 00b i m perfectly in sound mind body and health but what could this mean,Depression +39992,here i am after another failed suicide attempt back to the stupid fucking mental health hospital so they can shove more pill down me i take fucking med for my mental and physical health the lastb year i have tried to shoot hang stab od and purposely crash my car on the interstate at night i barely eat anymore i drink bottle a day just so i can fucking stand myself my mom fucked me up she tortured me for year cutting burning beating and my father knew about it the court failed me when i spoke out parent got divorced my dad took his baby my older sister and said fucking cya now i feel like i m never enough for fucking anyone i just lay in bed now just slowly killing myself i sleep so much that i m getting bed sore if i do eat my jaw hurt and is sore now i force myself to sleep i live in a fucking stupid town where i m the laughing stock i m known a the so people just make fun of me and it s ironic the good fucking christian s that pretend to be something and i get dragged to church and i see these good people that make fun of me me a god damn fucking stranger i hate it i hate this fucking world and everyone in it i get used i had a large some of money and during my worst time when i wa constantly in and out i had friend and people the like me ask me for money it got to the point where people weren t comfortable talking or hanging out but would still ask for money for fuck sake i m such a disgusting fucking piece of shit filth that ylthey couldn t even see me i would be asked and would go fucking put money in mailbox and gas cap in car this is me this is me fucking stupid worthless existence i look forward to the next day hoping it ll be the day i die i d fucking shoot myself but for fuck sake i can t even put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger without fucking it up i live in a fucking town of k people and there is only one place for therapist and fucking therapist is what they have i see my therapist every month then of course in a small town the last time i tried to kill myself i had er nurse who i know think i wa still unresponsive curtain in front of me and i got to listen for 0 minute about what they thought about me called me name made fun of me this is my life this is my worthless stupid life i want it to fucking end more than anything,Depression +39993,i try every day to care about everything about what other people care about what they feel what they want from me the goal my job set for me how people perceive me how clean my house is how often i help out i try to hard to care and to make the people around me happy a much a i m capable of but i wish i wa allowed to not care if i were to do one thing for myself it d be to let the depression swallow me whole and kill myself but i try to care about what that doe to people and i try every day and every day i decide if i m going to keep pretending or collapse i think i m really good at pretending,Depression +39994,if it werent for him i would have been dead by now i cant imagine how horrible he would feel if i did it now im just in an eternal state of depression and cant do anything about it i both love him and hate him for it mostly love but god damn i feel trapped,Depression +39995,maybe i should have been locked away for the rest of my life like every other unprofitable unproductive worthless retard my only quality is that i m worthless enough to inspire the real regular normal people because if some low iq idiot like me can do something so can a normal person the only thing that held me back were the fear of failing and living even more disabled and some stupid video game i could have done without,Depression +39996,i have no trauma or especially horrible experience it took me yr to even admit to myself that i m most likely depressed i thought that i would write down my feeling but my mind resonated that to writing a suicide not i m proud of myself for stopping when i realised that it made me feel worse i feel lonely i have friend who i trust care for and can talk to yet it s impossible for me to tell them about any of my true feeling because even i cant understand what s going on in my head i feel guilty for thinking that one of the main reason for my behaviour is my family they have always emotionally neglected me treated me a the dumb kid invalidated any feeling i expressed and my mother is physically and verbally abusive i barely share thing with them and nowadays they ve started scolding me for telling them anything because apparently i m too pessimistic my sister seems to be using me i have always been there for her and listened to her when she needed while she is there for me if i need help with study and shit she never even make an attempt to listen to me because apparently that s a therapist duty and she isn t my therapist i can t cry i can barely feel thing at this point i m like a zombie my mental state usually deteriorates in the summer and summer is here i can sense the decline my only friend who i can physically meet and am comfortable sharing deeper detail about myself to seems to understandably freak out when it come to suicide related topic if it involves known example basically joke and stuff are fine but he seems to get a bit perplexed if i mildly hint at my suicidal nature this is just a rant i have a terrible tendency to bottle thing up in such a way that i forget about it i will probably feel better by the end of this day,Depression +39997,i am mentally exhausted i have so many problem that i can not deal with my older brother bully me daily and all i do is just sit and listen to it if i tell him to stop he will just continue to be more annoying i have a lot of health problem my parent dont want to take me to a doctor because they think i am lying so i have to do it myself i am not legal in my country i go to school and put on a fake personality and laugh people bully me even there not physcally but mentally they tell me i am dumb weird skinny crazy i have zero friend in real life i have online friend that used to help me with everything and even made a workout plan for me all of that faded since my health is sucking rn my parent call me crazy daily becayse i like ti play video game for hour a day that is crazy to them even tho everyone else tell them it normal all i feel inside if me is just fear sadness and hopelessness 0 good or happy thought i thoght dozen if time about suicide i can t do it i have ocd and that top of everything and obliderates my life and make me suffer even more i can t take it anymore i don t knoe where to go or what to do it like i don t belong anywhere or cant do anything all i can do is whine on random subbredit because i have no one to talk to is this all life really is i know you might say ohh but if you try to get yourself up and get motivated and do stuff trust me i tried it many time it fails because of family problem etc am i worth saving is my life really worth living,Depression +39998,i think i ve slept three full hour in the past it s not that i don t try to sleep or want to i do and so badly i m so exhausted right now i m crammed into a toddler bed cuddling my kid even laying here all i can think about is whether or not she wouldn t be better off with a different mother and i know i d never do that to her i never would or could she didn t ask to be in this world and i have no right to leave her in it especially with that kind of burden so why doe the thought keep whispering itself in the forefront of my mind even when i ve slept well why the fuck do i feel so terrible a if i ve been kicked in the stomach to the point of puking i feel like a failure in everything am i really at the point where i m supposed to celebrate my own mediocrity after accomplishing simple task that i m supposed to do should i be applauding myself for getting out of bed next i left my job to stay home with my kid just a month before the pandemic wa acknowledged no one could or did come to see me but i realized that even without the pandemic nobody really would have been there anyway she wa five month old then and in that time period nobody really wa there they didn t call didn t video chat didn t really ask how thing were or how i wa i wa crushed before the pandemic our event were cancelled i couldn t see my friend most of them i still haven t seen two year later we don t really talk either there s only one person outside of my immediate family that i ve called in month and it sting a few month ago we moved out of state and out here we have no friend no family i ve tried making friend over the internet especially through pursuing my roleplaying hobby but it feel like i keep fucking up trying to keep my emotion and attachment in check but inevitably i think my loneliness just bleeds through or i let myself open up too much and just fuck it up my emotion my entire self might a well be sodden playdoh i m desperate to keep it formed into what it should be what it i used to be but before long i m trying too hard to keep it in shape and it s left in a flattened half soggy mess of garbage every night i curl up in bed and have my stupid fucking brain remind me of how garbage i am of all the mistake i ve made and maybe i really would be better off just giving it up telling me there s no point to keep bothering others with my i don t know existence i guess mistake logically i know that s part of my problem it always ha been really i tried to keep everything together so other people wouldn t know what wa happening to me back then i had to take care of it and handle it on my own i have to be able to do everything and when i can t i feel worthless like a waste what am i even doing that someone else couldn t take the rein on and do better i ve been replaced plenty of time even my husband wa searching on grindr and posting on craigslist listing ad that included the fact that he wa married sending picture text telling me it wa my fault after i found out i m somehow to blame for it i haven t told anyone that typing it out feel slimey like three day old used dishwater it s another thing i have to handle myself because i could never actually admit to someone else that it happened just like i couldn t admit to anyone i know about what my ex did to me what happened when i wa a kid i told one person a therapist in honesty what happened and i remember her saying that if i kept being angry about it then i d turn out like that person who say that to an eight year old anytime i ve brought it up since then it wa never to admit how it s part of what still keep me awake over two decade later stupid electric meatball in my skull trying to convince me it matter trying to convince me i m going to keep going downhill and should just get ahead on what s inevitable anyway people can and would move on and maybe it d be better i wish it d stop with this shit my daughter said today that she love me i have to be doing something right don t i i don t know what to do to fix this i m just screaming into the void right now i want to sleep,Depression +39999,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +40000,it s been a lot of stress past the last three year i feel like i can t take it anymore i m too anti social i can t talk to anyone i just start shaking and can t say a word and then this feeling of embarrassment will haunt me for the rest of the day no one want to talk with me i feel like i shouldn t be here like i m a burden to everyone i have to hold my emotion inside never letting them out and this is killing me i ve been cry for the last few day i feel so pathetic am i the problem i am so lost,Depression +40001,i m extremely suicidal but i want to live could anyone give me reason to live i don t want to feel this way but i hard not to think about it please anyone,Depression +40002,it s only ever gotten worse i m worthless and unwanted and there s no reason i shouldn t kill myself i have no reason i should be alive if it s spent feeling like this and being alone,Depression +40003,i m just so done of all this constant same thing everyday feeling like i m not even mentally conscious the whole time who even am i where did everybody i used to know go do they go through this to or am i just some sick i don t know if i can even talk to people about this derealization zoning out feeling i just don t even know anymore it s gotten to the point where i forget simple memory because i just don t feel like they happened so it doesn t matter i had an old friend of mine fuck you to hell cameron i hope you die they started to tell me that i wasn t a real person and that the people of the other land or some shit where waiting for u ever since i haven t been the same fuck you fuck you fuck you cameron you fuckingruined me you controlling manipulative narcissistic piece of living shit you shouldve died when you had the chance ypu ruined me why did any of this have to happen why did my parent divorce why i hate it why can t i just go back to when i wa ok and happy for once why did it all have to change why can t i just be pretty and amazing why can t i just live my life without feeling like this i can t even go a week ithout attempting to stab myself and just ending up with a stinging chest god this hurt just end it all i m so tired of living like this i m gon na make the choice soon at my dad i m not even sure if i want to yet i believe in god heavily but i don t even know if he can forgive me for this the way i m planning on doing it isn t gon na be pretty and i don t wan na traumatize my little brother he should have to see his sister like that not even in highschool dead i want to make the decision to just fucking do it already i have nothing to turn back to my home life is a mess after my parent divorce and i m constantly going back and force between parent it would eventually get exhausting don t you think im probably not gon na end up doing it anyways i really needed to let this out because god i m just so tired of everything,Depression +40004,my mom straight up asked me last night if i wa cutting my wrist in front of my entire family when she saw my scar i think she said that joking but it s the truth i m so scared she s going to push it further i m so scared she s going to hate me for it and punish me i feel so so stupid for doing it on my wrist so so stupid i just didn t think anyone would notice they haven t ever before i m not sure she actually suspect anything from me tonight i think i ll burn my wrist cooking something so that it cover up the scar and the story is more believable they re all going to hate me i didn t sleep all night last night because i m so scared i used to think i d be ok with people finding out i feel like this but i m not i m really really not,Depression +40005,im just a burden to her and everyone the world would be so much better if i just disappeared she s always on my back about everything i can never do anything right i can never please her she s always so upset at me she s always so mad tonight before she went to sleep she didnt even tell me that she loved me it okay i dont blame her i wouldnt love me either im nothing im pathetic im a waste of space energy and time in the grand scheme of thing there nothing about me that matter im stupid im incompetent im irresponsible and im mean im just a bad person and bad people dont deserve to be happy i will never make my mom proud i will always be insufficient she will always be finding new way for me to screw up when i die she will be so much happier without me everyone will be happier,Depression +40006,last sunday my husband we ve been together year and have a child together admitted to me that he wa talking to his co worker he slept with her thursday after lying about going to work he tell me he doesn t want to leave but he doesn t know what he want anymore friday he admitted he ha cheated on me other time in the past and yesterday on my birthday i found out of those people wa my own sister when i took her in after her husband had been cheating on her i am so heartbroken for myself and my son and all i can think about is ending it all i trusted this man implicitly and never even thought he would cheat there were never any sign at all all i can think about now is ending it once and for all i ve lost my husband and my sister and i really don t have much left i am so far down the spiral i don t think i will ever be able to claw my way back up i don t even know why i am writing this just needed it off my chest,Depression +40007,i don t know how to push myself and adjust to schedule and adult life no one wa really around to teach me i play video game a lot before it wa because i enjoyed it but now it s because i have nothing else to do with myself or other people i don t have any friend but even now i can t fit in online it feel like no one my age play game anymore they re focused on their life college school work i don t fucking have a life the only other human being i talk to is my dad when he get home from work which is only small talk since we re not very close it s been like this for year now i ve felt completely isolated from the world my entire life which is why i don t fit in why can t talk to people and why i don t fit into society standard i want to fucking die so bad i ve fucked up my life so bad i wasted my highschool year even if i have a whole life ahead of me i don t have the knowledge or will to get anywhere fuck it,Depression +40008,for the past month i ve been postponing my suicide by escapism recently i ve grown a tolerance to any short and long term satisfaction with this i ve seen the only way to escape escapism is by death i want to send my regard to everyone in this sub for being some of the most kind people i ve had the pleasure of talking to everything is in motion and a in tomorrow i will no longer be a living man good night good morning thank you good bye,Depression +40009,my boyfriend told me if i m feeling unsafe call 9 but i smoke weed to calm my mental health symptom and it s not exactly legal where i live i don t want to get a criminal record but i promised i d call for help but then i can t die any advice,Depression +40010,am i really just that awful no one want to be my friend my old friend abuse me i hate everything but especially myself when will it get better,Depression +40011,sorry for the depressing post i have some problem that are long term and i suffer every second of everyday i am so tired of the mental pain of suffering everyday my eye will never be the same again and i only use my right eye i don t want to have such a shameful death but i wa wondering if you people believe this can possibly be a good choice i am about to have exhausted all of my treatment option,Depression +40012,sometimes i start to plan it by leaving one day and never being found that hopefully i would prepare well enough that no one would ever find me i think that would be better than my family knowing my death wa intentional and planned but i still know they would grieve amp x 00b i m somewhat of an antinatalist and i refuse to ever bring child into this world it just a personal choice i don t judge parent because if i am so miserable why would i create more life maybe if thing looked up and i gained some self esteem again i could have a job i love and more importantly a wife although i don t know how many woman really want to be in a childless marriage i ve never even gone on a date before and i m a m so i worry i ll just be alone for my entire life i feel like a real loser for this i just see life in a very bleak way and i don t see my future a one that is bright and cheerful especially since i don t really believe i deserve good thing i have intrusive thought ocd which is a little voice that throw horrible word and image at me all day and telling me i m a irredeemable human being and a terrible person it exhausting and i feel trapped,Depression +40013,i ve been plagued with mental illness for almost half my life i ve done and tried everything i can up to this point to recover but it s a losing battle that i m tired of i ve missed out on so much in my life because of my mental health being so shit and honestly i don t ever see it getting any better i figure year or sooner is long enough for me to decide whether or not to go through with my plan of killing myself no one i know personally know about my plan not my family not the few friend i have not even my therapist i don t plan on telling them because i don t want to be stopped maybe they ll hate me for it or maybe they won t odds are they ll never hate me a much a i hate myself this post is gon na get buried under everything else so might a well be talking to myself if you did read this though thanks for reading,Depression +40014,i dont want to move at all i just want to be stationary for the rest of my life school is actually so draining and i can t bring myself to do anything my parent think so highly of me a if i m really smart i don t think i deserve any kindness from them i ve disappointed them a lot i wonder quite a lot why they haven t disowned me yet i dont know what to do anymore i don t have any friend whom i can call close it s so lonely but i feel like i deserve this for all the pain i ve caused for so many people but the worst thing is i feel like im doing this just for attention and i feel like a horrid human being because there are people who are actually suffering from these horrible thought i just want to fade out of existence,Depression +40015,please kill me i m so fucking done with this life i m just a burden and everyone around me would be much happier if i didn t exist i d be doing everyone a favor if i just killed myself,Depression +40016,i can t do it anymore it feel like none of my friend care about me my ex left me and now ha blocked me my mom ha been hounding me about shit that i don t have the time or energy to shoulder i can t speak loudly without struggling i can barely eat without it feeling like sand down my throat i feel so alone,Depression +40017,the med don t work my doctor is clearly not helping last time i went to him he told me that i wa having a very bad week because i stopped smoking pot five week ago like i m sorry but it would not have a delayed effect like that also he then compared it to a recent promotion he got like dude what the fuck i just keep having these recurring thought of slicing open my wrist and finally just getting the peace and quiet if wanted i don t want to die but i don t want to live like this anymore,Depression +40018,i m a burnt out mentally ill college student that s already hard i have mental illness that leave the people around me annoyed amp scared of me my coping method used to be music now i can t enjoy listening to it because of my misophonia you know you have a problem when you can t even enjoy music i have to pretend i m okay even if my prof family know i m struggling with unbearable chronic fatigue they still expect me to do super well in college society still expects me to excel at everything toxic positivity inspiration p rn hustle culture blah blah blah so tiring well i can t i am literally mentally amp physically incapable of it i can barely leave my bed i barely enjoy doing anything i used to enjoy doing i m trying to find thing to latch onto i m trying not to give up god just really hate my gut i m at a dead end god i m so close to giving up,Depression +40019,i used to be really afraid of death and i still am sometimes however a time passed and my life continued to stay stagnant or decline i have come to see death a an escape i hate the thought of hurting people i care about but i really feel like i won t be happy any other way it s been such a long time and i m very tired,Depression +40020,nobody will probably see this anyways nobody saw my last one i just wanted to vent my current thought so i can at least alleviate some form of pain that s going on internally at the moment ever since my ex left i ve had nobody to talk to i have no bond with anyone no friend or anything all i fricken do now is lay in bed all day go to work when it s time come back and go to sleep i don t live anymore then again what is living anyways if you have nobody to experience it with i just live a lonely existence and i m fricken tired of it i either want to be dead or just drugged up on pill so i can at least feel something beyond this emptiness inside i hate my fucking retarded existence anyways i wasn t meant to be born and i ve felt nothing but pain growing up what do i even have to feel happy about that i make decent money so fucking what money only buy me temporary happiness it isn t eternal i want to feel what true happiness feel like i m sick and tired of this life and i want to just be different or gone completely,Depression +40021,i hate myself i am the reason i m sad i have no excuse some day i m so happy and blissful but then there are a lot of day most of them where the only thing in my mind is killing myself in multiple way i overthink i plan to perfection i have ish plan to kill myself without my family cleaning anything up i already have an unofficial will written for when i do kill myself i don t want my family to struggle to pick up the piece of why i killed myself so there s always a note then i just do something where no one can find my body i m sad for no reason there is no porpoise to existing i want to help people but i fail to do so all the damn time i joke about killing myself but those joke are getting more specific and i m pretty sure people are catching on that i actually wan na kill myself i actually tried but thankfully failed i didn t have a rope or gun so i started choking myself to do the job i really wan na but i just can t please help me,Depression +40022,i have felt so depressed for year now im only and i ve been through a lot but who hasn t i m just a weak person that can t get over my issue the only thing i m good at is hurting people therapy will never help me because i am never going to change i m a terrible fucking person and i hate myself more than anything it feel like my life is never going to get better and i know that i will never deserve happiness but i feel like i ll truly be happy once i take my last breath,Depression +40023,when you can t work and feel like a shadow of a character you put on for other people when you feel like such a burden to people you love almost like you are taking advantage of them because you need their help i got help but i still feel the effect of this depression medication doesn t seem to help the overall feeling that i feel is a lie i want to kill my self at least the identity that i am a strong man i m young i ve accomplished more than my father did at my age however i am still under his roof failure to launch and failure to exercise work life balance living with what i see to be bipolar disorder and the effect it ha on my and other people life holding on to the idea i have that to commit suicide would be murder in the eye of god because i am a slave of his i gave up my life because jesus gave up his struggling to understand or at least accept my sinful nature and reject it at the same time struggling with the idea that perhaps i m trans perhaps i m gay perhaps i m yes that s ok looking at myself gain weight because of my own lack of self control with eating going from the most disciplined with cutting weight for a pro fight going from 0lbs to lb in le than month getting fairly close to the former in i feel sick i feel worthless impotent the exact opposite of what i felt month ago i wan na be well for other people sake i wan na be taken advantage of in the future a work horse for someone a husband a friend an artist just not a crazy one but what can i do i didn t choose to be mad i just am i want to overdose so far i do so with caffeine and nicotine had i been able to get myself to drink alcohol i d use that however i hate hangover i think once i wake up in limbo i ll still feel it doing everything i can to lock myself in the house and not jump off a bridge head first onto the highway running out of video to watch on youtube running out of idea for making music feeling alone feeling a buzz from my med a i type this feeling god looking at me over my shoulder the devil over the other i want to be ripped in two the life i want is living a duel life one for jesus the other with satan queer perhaps my favorite word lately i identify a that queer,Depression +40024,i m cleaning my house today taking my dog on a nice long walk brushing her giving her all of her treat taking all of the trash out doing all the laundry writing my note and going to bed tonight with the hope that what i take and the amount will kill me i m but i feel like i m 000 i can t pay any of my bill i can t hold down a job because my body is falling apart around me and when my body isn t failing me my dumb stupid useless brain is i hate myself i can t get away from me nobody deserves to have to be stuck with me in their life one funeral and then i m nobody s problem just needed the universe to know it won,Depression +40025,i hope this sub is a source of help and stability for others not my post but the sub in my case when you spend your whole life white knuckling being normal and chastising yourself for every wrong victim stance ungrateful attitude etc a an absolute failure god what the fuck else are you supposed to do i mean in my case why keep trying what is the fucking point the charade get old and sometimes you just want it to stop,Depression +40026,i want to km i wa so impulsive and ended a very good relationship we were both first lover and i just can t anymore,Depression +40027,i almost committed suicide i feel pathetic for not having been able to and i don t know why i stopped i suffer from bpd so this isn t the first time i ve either attempted or gotten close to doing it my friend don t know and i would feel manipulative or a burden if i were to tell them i guess i just wanted a place to talk about it every time i find myself in this type of situation it feel like i get closer and closer to the point of no return,Depression +40028,this is a long story i m sorry me and my ex broke up year ago but we remained friend but i still loved her and still do to this day after month she stopped talking to me because of this when we were together i never lied to her well i only lied about thing and it s about why i tried km when i wa to this day no one know the real reason maybe my friend bc i almost slipped about it i treated her like a queen we lived 0 hour away from each other and i saved up k to go see her when we were together for gas and my dad stayed at a hotel i wa at the time every anniversary i wrote a very long paragraph maybe on why i love her and how beautiful she is at st it wa every sunday of the week we started dating on sunday then the 9th of every month we lasted 0 month together each paragraph wa different and never said the same thing i did this to help make her feel better about herself because she wa ashamed of her body and i could tell she wa depressed i wanted her to be happy i bought her a lot of gift and always asked how her day went btw i m very poor and at the time i mowed lawn to make money 0 a week during spring and summer i m allergic to grass and been doing it since i wa we broke up and she told me because she wa gay but we can still be friend i quit my job month after bc of depression we had a discord server that contained her brother and their friend there wa this guy that we always played with and me her her brother and the guy played doki doki at st he wa nice then when they left he wa very mean to me saying thing like she doesn t like you just leave why are you even trying and so on i never said anything because i didn t want to ruin any friend ship i wish i said something instantly we all played overwatch together also well i tried to stop playing with just him and only play with her i said it wa bc of my anxiety but the real reason wa bc of him month later she stopped talking to me because i still loved her this is where and why i might be gone soon warning i m going to say graphic thing plz know i don t want attention i just want my story to be told if i do leave day my phobia is being alone and she helped me forget a terrible memory when i wa the real reason that no one know about i wa scarred i regret doing all of this i made 0 account on insta saying sorry and emailed her sorry also plz know i regret doing all of this and understand i wa in a dark place still doesn t justify my action some time after that i wa dmed on insta to go km and other horrible thing i tried telling her but she looked at the screen shot and just blocked me then it happened again then again i wa being told to go km and other thing for month straight even wa bullied by her bf at the same time i screen shotted what he said to me also in the middle of all this my mom oded and wa in a hospital for a week i had no one to talk to i tried cry out for help to her no response i tried cry out for help about the guy telling me to km for month no response she is the only able to stop him she never really tried the only ppl who tried to get them to stop wa me and my friend he wa the only help i had on christmas and easter i also emailed her saying i hope her and her family is ok because covid wa bad and her family is like family to me i worry and care about them a lot still wa being told to km and messaged by her bf i started cutting month of being told to km i stopped a little while ago since i wa still being told to km and bullied by her bf and no change wa happening i cried for help to her parent i showed them the screen shot of what her bf said to me and told them about the person who we still don t know who told me to km later i got a message from her saying that not only she regret our relationship but she is scarred of me and i have to apologize to my friend who wa helping me through all of this btw i don t have the gut to yell at someone bc i ll have a mental break down bc of past trauma parent always yelled at me and i dont have the gut to hurt anyone mentally or physically unless it s to protect my friend or family i m a very protective person of who i love and like when i read this i wa badly hurt i started doing drug not weed bc the smell make me want to vomit and ill never try it but whippet wa accident but made pain go away so i kept doing it some time later my dad got cancer he s doesn t anymore it got removed right away but while he wa gone i had a bad mental break down and i did a free therapy trail online i forgot the website but i did this with different email so i had session i did it for her bc she always told me to get professional help i got told i might have severe adult separation anxiety i have nightmare every night about losing her still to this day i said a lot more infact i told them everything and they told me that they can t officially diagnose me with it because they wanted to talk to me more but i m poor i can t afford that but i then had no one so i cried for help to her last time i wa scarred her dad texted me to never message he again that night i did a full inhale of whippet and tried to km i had seziure idk how to spell and woke up the next day no one checked in on me i woke up on my floor that wa the last time i ever did that some time later her bf messaged me again it wa a pic of him and her kissing making a heart of their hand he said just give up she doesn t love you and never ha i showed the screen shot to some friend and then deleted it bc it wa painful to look at what am i sopose to do cry for help i can t to this day he message me mocking me but she ll never believe me not only i can t tell her but i don t think she even care i also later found out the real reason why she broke up with me wa bc i wa too clingy not only did my friend tell me this her bf did also everyone who i told this story to tell me she cheated on me that there s no way someone would let this happen if they cared about me after i treated her with respect like that during our relationship i don t think she cheated on me she would never do that i tried going out with other girl but i cant bc it feel like i m cheating on her even tho we re not dating it feel wrong i still love her and i always will even tho she never asked if i wa ok when i wa being told to km which hurt badly i still love her the only reason i m alive is because of my hope a nd chance with her but it s dying and i want to die b my hope dy or i m going to die when my hope dy which mean i ll have no happiness left the st time i felt happiness wa when she said yes to going out i cried that night bc i never felt that b bc of childhood i just want her to at least ask if i m ok just to prove my thought wrong to prove that she still care to keep me going i love you and i always will if you some how see this i know you re tired of seeing this but i m sorry plz know if i do lose the battle i lasted this long for you i hope you re proud of me and if you do message me i might come out about the real reason why i can t let go and for whoever read this long thank you i hope you have a great life be safe idk if i typed this but i haven t done drug in a year won t be on this account a lot only to vent it s a alt account i m just trying to get help even tho the only help that will help me is her saying anything nice to me idk when but when my limit is reached bc of her bf and friend and all the past crap they said to me i plan on going 00mph to a pole i already know where i m going to do it it s not like she care anyways i get told to go km for month and bullied to this day and not once ask if i m ok i doubt she ll be sad my thought are telling me she ll be happier if i m dead i get harassed i get yelled at for cry for help i get told to km i get yelled at for cry for help,Depression +40029,making plan jotting them down laugh emoji response my friend don t know my sentence end in an unspoken if by then i m still alive tightness in the chest with each breath eating and hating myself not eating and hating myself just hating myself a i hold back tear steadily typing despite intrusive thought of suicide what is the cleanest way to go the least intrusive a way to contain the mess a way so what s left can do some good scenario play in my mind some may notice a few will cry no one break everyone move on my life is pointless pointless pointless i am useless useless useless if i keep smiling and laughing and eating and talking no one will see me shaking no one will see my tear no one will see my bruise or hear my unspoken word if by then i m still alive thanks for reading my crappy writing if you made it this far i wrote this tonight because my brain wouldn t shut up i ve had all these thought on and off for a while now i feel like these thought are becoming more and more frequent and intrusive i reached out to my primary care physician asking about a psychiatrist and i wa told to find one myself since it wasn t clear i needed a referral then i tried a couple of time to find one online and couldn t find one in my area i wa willing to talk to so i gave up if i m at work and interacting i m mostly ok i think i only had really fucked up thought once or twice but if i m alone at night my brain go haywire and this stuff pop in i need to stay busy to keep it out but i m too lazy to stay busy enough to keep it out anyway i m not a danger to myself right now i don t have the mean to play out the scenario in my head and i haven t tried to get them i don t want anyone i know to read this but i need to share it somewhere so i can only post it here,Depression +40030,hypothetically speaking if i went to walmart and bought some motor oil a lighter and a bottle of water then i went out to the parking lot removed my shirt and then doused my arm on fire i m not looking to kill myself i just want self harm in a different way than cutting anf bashing my head with blunt object,Depression +40031,i m only year ago i wa really one of the famous kid in school everything wa going well until first quarantine started i became probably the most antisocial person it wa the last half year of school so didn t go anywhere because i wa doing online lesson i didn t go out with friend at all until next year where quarantine stopped for month so had to go to school again i started getting bullied by my own friend i couldn t handle it i wa thinking of commiting suicide back then to i got through it but this made me even more antisocial i couldn t trust anyone for a really long time because a i said these were my own friend bullying me for fun now at the rd year everything is kinda ok i started going out with friend again month ago after so long but i don t like going out with them week ago i wa in bed thinking and my hole life what i like the most is video game and lucid dreaming i thought the reason why these are the only staff i enjoy to the conclusion that they offer me just an escape from sad reality which is me not enjoying literally anything else school is my biggest enemy my hole life i wait for it to be over but just can t deal with it anymore only for me to wait every day to end just to basically sleep and play some video game so i faked being sick with a lot of fever for the past week to escape school and all the stress i have in life my parent took me to the doctor and he said to do a lot of test so we can see what is my illness my parent found out because the test showed that i don t have anything they weren t mad because they think that i have a reasonable reason for doing all these and they are right but i can t tell them all of these i just can t find the power,Depression +40032,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +40033,i m tired and exhausted at this point i m just someone else and i don t even know how to carry on like that i ve tried to kill myself several time i ve lost everybody and i m scared of the silence now,Depression +40034,i am 0 live in the usa full time college student and full time journalist i am in my third year of college which is not going a good a i want just like the first two year i don t know what to do anymore i don t think i want to commit suicide but i feel stuck and i don t see any forward momentum for myself so i just really don t know what to do anymore and i have practically no interest in my job or school i don t think i can continue to do both but i can t do one without the other either due to finance and lack of a degree i feel helpless and on top of that i have a heart transplant which make me reliant on employment eventually someone please help me i am caught between wanting to succeed and wanting to fall asleep and never wake up,Depression +40035,alrighty folk i ve been ready to go for a while but i guess now it feel more right to leave this world no offence but this ha been the most boring nonsense tenure ever and i have no idea how the majority have deluded themselves into staying in a world that is mostly just a turd with sparkle and corn in it then call it the spice of life i am increasingly bored with life nothing is worth the effort or struggle to do what die later that is not appetizing i quite uni i quit therapy i quit med i don t really want to be here anymore but i am constantly held back by my own laziness i just want to sleep all the time to the point that i hope that any merciful god would give me death a a reward for withstanding such a shitty existence i haven t even mentioned what wa wrong with mine the list is short and simple i really dislike the premise of working for everything i dislike working for something and the feeling of accomplishment is a dull tap and i am wondering wtf i just pulled all my teeth out for nothing is really ever worth it i am not remarkable average or even good anything i have is a replaceable a a wasted battery and that is ok nobody relies on me and that is the best place to be for someone who want out i know i don t need any reason to justify wanted to make a grand exit i think it almost abusive to sedate someone into living gaslight their entire experience for extra hand in the population politics cog too many people are waste of space and have absolutely nothing yet still have convinced themselves that life is better than the great void amp x 00b anyway i finally picked my method of exit kawabonga bitch,Depression +40036,i m literally fighting the urge to slit my wrist and my mom keep yelling at me today ha been impossible i just want to end it all i can t take this shit anymore,Depression +40037,i m so sick of life and the suffering and bullshit i have to go through just to get a small and short lived taste of fake happiness i want to kill myself but i m afraid that the light at the end of the tunnel is right there but it never is i just can t bring myself to do it and i hate myself for it i m stuck on the edge of just barley getting by and trying to convince myself to give up i feel pathetic even typing this anyone else going through what i am would ve found help by now and become a normal person not vented to a website since they feel like they can t tell anyone else i just want it to be over i don t know how i blew the opportunity of a life i wa given so many people do so much more with so much le but i wasn t given the tool to deal with this i m too emotionally and mentally weak i don t know what else the problem could be and i m not brave enough to choose the only solution and end it i hope this didn t bring anyone else down i know everyone out there ha it in them to be happy i m not sure about myself though i can t provide myself that same kind of confidence,Depression +40038,what a fucked up little world we are living in,Depression +40039,i don t know how much longer i m gon na wait could be a few day or a couple week or month definitely by the end of the year though it all depends on if it get even worse and how much worse it get if it get better then i won t do it but i don t see that happening given the pattern it s like every month i lose someone else every day i get a bigger workload and enjoy the thing i like a little le i m an alcoholic and i m not even old enough to drink i ve promised it to myself so many time because it s comforting feeling like the way out is close even if it s not happening but this time is different this time i really don t think i can go on maybe i m just a baby maybe i m over dramatic maybe i m a piece of shit who deserves to die or deserves to live miserable it doesn t matter anymore the reason i have aren t gon na go away or get better just because people tell me they aren t good reason sorry to everyone i m glad i made a new account so they won t see this specific post at least i m probably gon na post the note to instagram right a it s happening just so it s out there and people know and i don t just disappear from everything and leave anyone worrying,Depression +40040,today i felt like doing something about this so i decided to make an account and come here ive been suicidal for like a year now and i cant fucking bear it ive almost killed myself quite alot but apparently i have a habit of pussying out of everything i dont know if im dealing with depression or if life is just giving me shit but im finally going to try to get help i also might just stop using this account all together i dont really know what people say here and i dont know what to say myself and thinking about it i dont even know why im doing this,Depression +40041,it seems i need to revise my plan especially the date of my plan because even if i go through with it it will be thwarted because someone is currently freeloading in the house i am currently living in i don t want any disturbance and obstacle in my plan i will plan and re schedule why why why why why why now i have planned this for a couple month but why now why would there be an unexpected obstacle or disturbance now i just want my eternal rest,Depression +40042,tbh idk why im writing this im struggling a lot ig i tried overdosing 9 day ago and barely nothing happened and the small amount of euphoria i got the next couple of day wa amazing idk just the fact that i could die wa comforting so now imma try midol i only have like 0 tablet ill prob only take it prob wont work but idgaf anymore edit would anyone know if this would work,Depression +40043,how would anyone feel about this personally if you were to commit suicide and repeat the ever going cycle of reincarnation but with no purpose but to keep living the same failure over and over again no hell just a cycle or repeat of the same thing over and over again i d be pissed personally,Depression +40044,i can t keep running from how empty i feel how everything feel so forced and fake i m and the social problem began from a very young age the familial problem also i guess i learned from a very young age to brush thing under the rug and bury all of my emotion to the point where i ve been detached from myself for probably year now i ve been to therapy different time and am likely starting again soon but to be honest i don t think it s going to go anywhere until i can be honest with myself but i literally don t know how it s like there s this pit of intense pain that s constantly buried deep within my chest that i suppose will either give me answer or kill me from shame all i know is socializing is completely traumatizing to me school a well i don t know if anybody can relate but i just don t know how to figure myself out or if it s just all in my head i must sound so crazy to anybody reading this but please if you have any question it might really help me to be able to answer them anonymously and unpack stuff i m committed to understanding why everybody treat me like i m some freak i know i m not completely hideous but beyond that i don t think i know what s going on there s like this deep disconnect between how i act even by myself and who i am internally i believe i don t know if any of this make sense but please ask about my childhood or whatever i got ta understand even if it kill me,Depression +40045,i have made up my mind i am going to kill myself tomorrow i ll be alone in the house for atleast hour so no one will be there to check up on me or save me i have the razor blade and pill i m going to use i have alcohol too and i m going to get drunk while i harm myself i m hoping to go before anyone find me i can t deal with life anymore i can t do this anymore i m not going to say my goodbye this is goodbye i hope y all are able to heal this is going to be it for me goodbye,Depression +40046,i shouldn t post here or anywhere else but i have nothing else so firstly i want to apologize i m sorry that you have to read this first off because it s all nonsense and also because it may be stupid or weird since english isn t my first language i have nothing no family no friend no job i m stuck in my apartment because i m a coward psychiatrist tell me i have agoraphobia but i don t think it s true i m just a waste of time space and money there s no need for me to still be here i ve tried multiple time to end it all when my family were still here i got caught and sent to psychiatric ward and now it s a neighbor who knew my dad he keep coming again and again to see if i m ok i m wasting his time a well like i waste your time writing this i don t even know why i need to do this it s not like i want any help nor i need any help maybe i just want to leave something somewhere testify about loneliness and mental illness i m already shameful just thinking about somebody will see this and witness how i m such a stupid human being just complaining about nothing playing the victim although i m not long time ago i thought i wa a victim tho my dad did thing to me people at school bullied me i wa thinking like that my mindset wa fxcked up now that i ve rethink about it all i see is the problem wa and still is me i can t blame others over what i did i don t wish this to my worst enemy this void that keep devoting me taking more and more space making me disappear slowly again i m sorry about all that and thanks to this sub if that post is not removed if you re in this state i hope you ll get better soon i don t know you but you re worth it don t let anybody tell you otherwise and never give up on thing you like or that make you feel good,Depression +40047,in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to kill myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening,Depression +40048,i m on antipsychotic and they make me sleep for hour i would like to sleep for even longer if possible and no i don t think upping my dose of antipsychotic will make me sleep longer and besides i don t want more side effect,Depression +40049,when you re having a mental breakdown because you realize the your dream the thing that kept you motivated is completely unobtainable an impossibility nothing more than a pipe dream i m breaking down y all i wan na put a bullet in my head,Depression +40050,i just want to go to sleep forever i don t want to feel anything anymore what feel good never last and what hurt hurt longer than it should i d rather just not feel at all,Depression +40051,we found out a couple of day ago that my dog needed to be put down we had a beautiful last day with her yesterday technically she wa the family dog but she spent the most time with me and turned into an unofficial support dog for me she ha been with me through trauma and therapy and everything in between she ha been my rock scarlett ha been an anchor point a grounding into the world she ha been the only thing that ha stayed steady in a world of ups and down she wa there no matter the mood or how sick i wa she ha kept me engaged with the outside world walk and beginning interaction she greeted the world with a smile no matter what she forced you to give her affection and in turn forced hers on you she ha been the definition of unconditional love in my life mainly because i can t assume or misunderstand what she doe or say she ha been my safe place both physically and mentally i didn t want to leave her behind not understanding i ve been struggling with everything even with her to bring me calm i don t know how to do this without her i ve been using numbness to try and stop myself from shattering but a it splinter into smaller and smaller piece there s only so long it can hold a i hear the splintering standing on the cliff edge the ground start to shake i know that if i move i will explode into tiny fragment and that i can t escape from the edge of the cliff falling the splinter are so small i won t be able to be put back together without missing piece the fall into the abyss will spread the fragment far and wide there isn t a way to climb back out this time there isn t the energy to hope enough to look i don t want to die specifically i just can t keep doing this anymore i m beyond tired i m spent i can t see any other option i ve tried and tried and tried different treatment i ve pushed to do exercise and socialise and do what other people have decided is the best for me i ve taken medication even with shitty side effect taking some rest time with no appointment or pressure wa lovely but didn t change anything inside i ve been fighting a hard a i can and it hasn t been enough i began having passive suicidality when i wa and having intense trauma later certainly didn t help the past year ha been the hardest and lowest i ve ever reached i ve been in and out of hospital tried over 0 different med tried different therapy than i have in the past had ect and tried emdr i have a whole team mental health social worker psych intervention team a doctor specialist and so on the only advice that i wa given when i explained that i wa too tired wa to push through to keep going because there have been improvement and people think it will change and to be patient for thing to start working and maybe i should try doing more thing or le thing or have extra support or change my dosage or simplify my medication or go to hospital or an outpatient program i can t do anymore i can t keep forcing myself onwards because other people will notice a change in the outside without much of a change inside i know it s a selfish decision and that it doesn t get rid of the pain just pass over to the people around me it will affect them forever it won t disappear with time i can t kid myself that they will get over it a much a i think it will be the better option i know none of them will agree i can t look through rose coloured glass saying it take away the burden it just change it from me to the people around me i d love to say my goodbye with everyone and give them time to grieve and prepare with them have a perfect last day making sure that everyone know i love them and that it is no one s fault doing thing with people that are special for u trying to say everything that i want to to people face to face to give big hug and laugh together one last time i wish i could give everyone that i m so sorry that i can t and for the suffering that brings there is too much to say to all the people who are precious in my life to write down i m sorry i love you you did nothing wrong you are so important to me i m sorry that i stopped trying thank you for our relationship you have added so much joy to my life i believe in you and all you can achieve i m sorry that there is no time to come to term with the idea i know there isn t any combination of word or thought that will make it any easier for anyone i know there isn t anything that i can do to assuage the guilt and pain and anger i wish i could but that doesn t really matter doe it i don t even know if i can commit to finishing a plan everyone seems to think so but i don t know and if i can t go through with it then no one need to worry or be concerned because there isn t actually danger and i can just be unhappy without the need for restriction and people feeling responsibility for me,Depression +40052,i m terrible at articulating my thought so apology in advance let me just say up front that no plan ha been made and despite thinking about it so much i don t think i could go through with it this is just a vent piece i guess i feel like such a burden all the time i genuinely only have one real friend left and feel like my roommate co worker hate me i m anti social and awkward i don t make eye contact and i don t talk at all ever i take way too long to text back if i did km i honestly don t think anyone would know until a body wa found or over a month had passed i m just so sick of feeling like an obstacle all the time like i m always in the way or always wrong to think feel a certain way but all of this seems pretty normal i realise it s not a healthy mindset but literally everyone on earth ha trauma everyone ha their own shit they re going through and not only doe it seem like they re handling it a lot better than me but they have real problem i have friend who lost their job over the pandemic i have friend going through break ups grief or whatever and they still manage to practice their hobby and interact with their fellow man but then there s me doing literally fucking nothing all day every day after work and having the ball to feel like shit over it a if it s out of my control i feel weak willed lazy and most of all i feel like the world s biggist egomaniac for writing so much about myself a if it needed to be said thank you for reading my aimless rambling the thought were very intrusive tonight so i just needed to self depricate i guess good night everyone,Depression +40053,hi reddit i m not sure who else to turn to a i recently had to stop seeing my therapist because i moved state and she is only licensed in my previous state of residence i am looking for a new therapist but i simply can t keep this inside me anymore and i need a place to get it out this year and the last few month of 0 ha been the absolute worst of my entire life i can not believe the amount of negativity loss tragedy and pure bad luck that i ve been experiencing since fall of 0 it s been blow after blow and i can feel myself giving up i m giving up hope i m giving up my optimistic attitude i m giving up my will to continue existing in august of 0 my boyfriend of two year and i began our descent into what eventually led to our breakup in mid december we shared an apartment in oregon and i had to move out in january and move across the country back to my hometown in illinois i wa devastated about the breakup and under immense stress trying to find a moving company to haul my belonging such a long distance i finally found one and it turned out to be a scam they stole all my belonging and i m in the middle of several complaint with them but still have yet to see my thing and i don t think i ever will i lost my boyfriend and my life s worth of item at the same time living back at home ha been difficult a my sister life here and we do not have the best relationship she is severely mentally ill with addiction depression and borderline personality disorder so it s been very hard trying to manage her mood outburst destruction etc she ha attacked me many time said countless hurtful thing and done endless physical damage to the house living with her is very stressful on top of all this my grandpa just died tonight i got a call from my brother out of the blue i can t process this right now and i m at my wit end in the past month i ve lost my boyfriend whom i still love my old apartment and old life in oregon all of my life s worth of belonging and now my grandpa it s almost funny how insanely negative this year ha been i simply can not see myself recovering from all this loss and sadness and i don t know what to do it is just too much and i have no hope or light left i m feeling suicidal,Depression +40054,i fell so fucking in love with my best friend and i m feeling very alone and in a dangerous space rn i normally would say more but i m tired of telling people the same story and just plane exhausted i just want someone to talk to don t have to be therapeutic just a a fellow human,Depression +40055,i don t want to be alive anymore i hate being here all i want to do is self harm and cry i hate being in college and i think about hanging myself in my dorm everyday i ve already tried but wa too much of a pussy to do so because i didn t want to disable myself i ve already tried to reach out for help but it didn t help i wa sent to an intensive outpatient program and it hasn t helped nothing help i just want to put myself out of my misery,Depression +40056,is it weird to think i m getting closer and closer to taking my own life soon year and year of thinking but chickening out maybe soon it will be my time i attempted to swallow pill today and i think i m one getting really close now i hope i have the strength and courage one day to actually do it so i can finally rest and let go of this life i am tired,Depression +40057,it all depends on how this go im 0yo male who just got engaged around month ago we were planning on getting married and having kid together soon both started work at the same company making quite good money but recently she tell me her feeling for me have changed that she love me but isnt sure we should stay together she feel attracted to a female coworker of hers that is heterosexual so will never return that attraction we ve decided to spend 9 day in an airbnb together to see if we can save the relationship but she told me today it not looking good also she revealed that coworker thing only today i ve been staying at my parent house for around week now but on sunday will go to the airbnb i know you guy will tell me that she s not worth it but i can t change how i feel about her i wish some of y all that have gone through similar situation could maybe give me some advice how i could still save this if it doesn t work out i will either hang myself or obtain heroin to overdose on i have already written a suicide note and mentally been preparing myself i would do it on the last day while she s gone and ask her to come shortly before ending it or maybe even setting up a programme to send the message when i m already dead this is so that she would find me and inform my relative early enough call me an asshole but i think that the people that know me including her would learn from my death to treat people with more respect in the future if all go well i will continue living if not so be it the note punchline is i said i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you well there s nothing that can change that anymore now,Depression +40058,shit hit the fan a single tik tok comment from an anon account that can t be traced back to me made month ago and a comment i made about a girl month ago have suddenly been brought up by this group of girl they ve made my friend drop me i m not miserably alone a i have always been my whole miserable life now they re trying to talk to my school admin man i just wa excited to start college but it might end up all being over i wish i had the mean to do it quickly and properly without hurting my family,Depression +40059,in today s society it seems like no one really care instead they re worried about lability litigation after something bad happens and want to shirk responsibility that being said would it be respectful to put my two week notice in before i commit suicide so they re ready for a replacement along with that it wouldn t be a big thing that would slow everyone else down i m thinking about putting in my notice i ve had everything in place and in order will service paid for everything beforehand etc i m just trying to make it easiest for the people who say they care about me along with my employer and co worker they won t be liable or responsible because they can t make me do anything,Depression +40060,how do i go about telling a friend i m suicidal i feel like i m just being dramatic but i m having intense thought though i m not sure i d act on them and i don t have a proper plan though i m always thinking about it at the same time i don t want to bother anyone it must be a horrible thing to hear from someone and there s nothing they can do really but i m not sure what i can do at this point either i m just so desperate,Depression +40061,i tried to change thing and live happier but nothing i do work so im just gon na give up bye,Depression +40062,i don t know if it s depression or loneliness or what but i just feel like i m a drain on this world and society a a whole i m never gon na be someone that impact anyone s life no one is going to wake up one day and be like dang i miss blank what a great guy he wa outside of my family i ll be forgotten in a matter of day if not hour i m convinced that i ve left no impact on this world and won t leave an impact of i m here for 0 or 0 more year i simply don t see a point in staying alive if all i m doing is draining resource without contributing thank you for reading if you did i needed to get this feeling out before i actually do or attempt to do it even if i want to i probably won t have the courage,Depression +40063,i really need to fcking end it i can t take it anymore here,Depression +40064,i just want the pain to end,Depression +40065,i have too many problem on my plate work is a commitment responsibility are a commitment family is a commitment therapy is a commitment basic hygiene is a commitment taking care of myself is a commitment gaming is a commitment having friend is a commitment talking to people i care about is a commitment not falling asleep is a commitment caring is a commitment eating is a commitment taking my med is a commitment the list could go on forever i m not subscribed to earth yet living here is a commitment,Depression +40066,i think i ll try tonight i ll go on a late night walk and accidentally trip in front of a car that way if i fail i won t have to deal with all the shit,Depression +40067,no really i m just angry at the world i have mental illness and everything but i really blame the world because there s no system that can help me i m sure y all feel the same we re forgotten and fall between the crack and there s no help i m angry that i can t get better angry that i m getting worse angry that i probably can t off myself without my sister quickly following the fact that i can t escape this life because i have loved one just actually is almost rude love shouldn t make me feel trapped in existence but it doe i m running out of money because i can t work fulltime so it look like if i do end up dying it ll be at the world s hand not mine,Depression +40068,i m an awful person i treat my friend like trash and they don t care about me which they have the right to do if i died literally everyone i know would be better i m being a dick to my best friend and she still tried to make me feel better why i don t deserve that i wanted to overdose today but my mom doesn t have any pill for me to use i m this close to ending this shit i m pathetic and nobody is worth le than me,Depression +40069,you can be a guy or girl just make sure your an adult that s 0 year old and up just trying to make friend i legit haven t had a friend in year i do get depressed from time to time but i m currently not that much i don t have the gut to end it because i fear the unknown but i m here and gon na continue to do good in life for my own happiness any like minded people i can talk to lmk i m here to listen just don t be crazy,Depression +40070,i want to die so badly even just cut do something to ease this pain but my mom took all my blade all my option even my medication i have no access to anything anymore and i feel empty hollow i want to die so badly but i cant because i have no mean thats the only real reason i m alive right now is i dont have a way to unalive send help im not well im cry everything is terrible and i want out there really should be a log out option on life so you can take a break and come back if when youre ready to face this hell,Depression +40071,i m so scared of you these day i miss being happy,Depression +40072,i want to be dead ive been suicidal for year im such a fucking retard filled with regret and anger im done with life i want all of this to stop why i cant do one thing right,Depression +40073,last night my girlfriend 0f of two and a half year told me 0m that my depression symptom have been taking a toll on her she told me that she see my progress and my growth but this is in summary a she talk around her meaning it s not enough it s exhausting her and making her feel poorly my exhaustion and lack of self and confidence and inner love so i had to apologize to her last night and i m trying to show that i m growing but i feel so fucking hopeless right now and it s only been getting worse i joined this community because i m sure i won t actually do it but i need something to remind me and something to feel le alone because holy fuck am i alone i feel devoid of love and worth and i m struggling to find way to place it on myself i can t validate it if it s for me and i can only form a half life of happiness if i use someone else a the foundation so that s superficial i m really trying to keep going but it s so hard it s exhausting i just want to sleep all the time there s so much more in regard to our relationship i ve been trying to support her and make amends for who i wa when we first met i brought my trauma into it and lashed out at her in way of gaslighting infidelity and emotional neglect she didn t have any trigger for me to lash out at her i just thought she wanted to use me for self satisfaction but i m told that s love now i m confused there are two side of my mind one an optimist and a lover the other a cynic and a narcissist i want to purge my brain of these thing i m sorry this is so scattered i ll try to speak more coherently later brain no work,Depression +40074,my other alt account wa deleted so i m posting here today i had a mental breakdown on the basis of what i feel are good thing in my life disappearing inexplicably oftentimes whenever i attempt interaction with aforementioned good thing the last straw wa today over a fairly trivial issue but i broke down because of so many thing that had happened recently in my past that i wa unable to shrug off my life is fairly good and i am very lucky to be living in a household full of opportunity however it feel a though whenever i try to fully indulge in what s provided to me whether it be by my hand or anothers it s normally gone in no time flat about the call i wa in the middle of my breakdown and tried to take the rational course of action calling the hotline because i desperately needed to talk with somebody only to vent my frustration and promptly be hung up on by the person on the other end of the line i tried calling twice more ok case i hung up on then by accident but wa almost immediately disconnected and the last time wasn t able to be connected with anyone fuck what if i were actually about to commit suicide and just wanted someone to talk with only to find out that they didn t care about my problem either it anger me just typing this i m sick of living this way i don t think suicide is the answer but i really just need someone to talk with about my frustration thanks for reading and hopefully your day is better than mine,Depression +40075,i 0f already struggle with suicidal ideation i m just tired so tired this last six month ha been the toughest six month of my life i ve been with this guy 0m for five year he ha been a step up dad for my daughter 0f nearly from the beginning of our relationship very early had always plan to get married and have child together my feeling for him have always been so strong he always made me feel like he wa different like he understood my trauma and wanted to hold my hand through my healing not set mine and my daughter life on fire i moved to the other side of our country to be with him we have had ups and down i found out six month ago he ha a new girlfriend and she also a a you g child f long story short he s leaving me for her our lease is up at the end of april and my daughter and i have nowhere to go we will be homeless for a while until i can move back to my parent my ex husband m found out we won t have a stable place to live for a little while and is filing for custody of my daughter my ex husband is it ha been extremely abusive to me since i wa none of the abuse wa ever documented because i never wanted to call the police he always made me feel like i deserved it i ended up losing my well paying job due to my emotional state my daughter and i don t have family or friend here none that aren t deeply tied to my now ex bf i don t feel like i have deserved any of this shit im the go to person that always help everyone now i m going to have nothing and i have no one willing to show up for me and my kid we also have two dog i will have to rehome because he refuse to take them and i can t hardly care for myself and my daughter right now i m literally about to lose everything i ve been chewed up and spit out my whole life i suffered a lot of emotional and sexual abuse a a child too i don t genuinely want to die but i also don t want to feel anymore like i really don t know if i could survive losing my daughter that kid is my world please how do i make it stop i can t go out like this,Depression +40076,i want doctor assisted suicide no one care a store i wa at last night wa being robbed i didn t hide just went about my business thought it would be best for my family and me if i wa killed the police didn t care they never showed up the loneliness is unbearable,Depression +40077,i feel like people would be better off if i wasn t here anymore i m considering jumping off a bridge i feel so trapped in my own emotion after losing a good chunk of my friend purely because i ended a relationship that i wasn t happy in i feel like a horrible person and the idea of jumping off a bridge doesn t upset me anymore i feel happier that if i d want to end it i could and leave my family with more money time i m conflicted i want to die but what would become of my family my sister my remaining friend what about nicole would she be able to handle another friend ending their life how about snowey he is like a little brother too me what about my sister could i leave her during a crucial time in her life i don t know life is so painful right now,Depression +40078,i have no will to live anymore but i cant kill myself because i dont want to hurt my mom or anyone else who care about me i fucked up my school career and have no motivation on anything in life and im only year old sorry for my bad english lol,Depression +40079,i just want someone to give me a reason not to go down this spiral and no one will everyone ha their own life and he s going to leave me soon i know it he s tired of the cry and self harm if he leaf me i ll just be alone and i ll have nothing left to live for,Depression +40080,if you ever read my post on my profile you know that i have an obsession about being a cheater i ll worry and worry etc i read something very triggering on reddit and i decided that i don t want to be on earth knowing that i did that to someone or if i did,Depression +40081,you ever see a grassy hillside and want to just melt into the soil and be consumed by the plant,Depression +40082,she wa my only hope the only person i thought loved me she only love me a a brother her ex which i m friend with showed me a message of him asking her what if i had a crush on her august 0 in january we kissed and everything then after a couple of day our love stopped i keep telling her that i love her and care for her and she doesn t say it back i m alone alone forever i have a knife next to me i m scared to do it tho i m scared of death but wan na die,Depression +40083,i stood up for myself about not being credited for artwork used by my school and now somehow that ha lead to a teacher talking about me to my peer behind my back and me being harassed by a woman who work for the school on their drama production i contacted my principal and he ha not responded my mom say if i go to anyone higher up i will get in trouble i feel trapped everyone hate me now and the rest of my school year is going to be horrible i feel like the only way to fix this situation is to die i fucked everything up,Depression +40084,i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me only good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage,Depression +40085,i ve been in and out of mental hospital for about year now i m just turned thing get good for a bit and then they get better and it a vicious cycle i m on med to help with anxiety and adhd but the thought just wont stop i counted all my med to see if it enough to die and od my parent don t really care because im sure my mom saw my new self harm scar and said nothing i relapsed really bad again and because of how open they are i m afraid of an infection i just want help but i m scared i m a burden my mom is sick right now and we dont have money to send me to the hospital again id rather i just die kinda instead of having to deal with everything i m bottling it all up again and turning to self harm idk what to do anymore i m so tired,Depression +40086,sorry for the depression i have some problem that are long term and i suffer every second of everyday i am so tired of the mental pain of suffering everyday my eye will never be the same again and i only use my right eye i don t want to have such a shameful death but i wa wondering if you people believe this can possibly be a good choice i am about to have exhausted all of my treatment option,Depression +40087,the suicide hotline take hour to respond i ve fucked up every relationship that i had by trying to be funny and the other person being creepy and lied to everyone i know why should i continue self harm doesn t do anything anymore nothing brings me joy i have no future because of my mental problem really why do i stay here the one reason i still live is because around new year an online friend of mine at the time attempted suicide i got so fucked up then i couldn t function properly for a week i couldn t talk to anyone the one reason i am still here is because i thought people would feel that way about me but a ive lived and breathed i have come to realise that isn t true my friend will be glad i am not around them the only disappointment they will feel is that they don t have a vulnerable little shit to kick around my family will be glad that the failure in the family is finally gone and the school will pretend to be sad for a month make it about how mental health is important tell people to be kind about one another then forget about me i won t stand out im another human being in the 00 billion that exist i don t even know if im real i don t want to be here so might a well leave,Depression +40088,im letting life pas by because im so stressed and cant deal with my problem so i just hide away and isolate myself and it starting to harm me where im currently cry because i have no solution for the hole i dug myself in help me please,Depression +40089,i got broken up with overnight a year relationship because she thought for a week that she s falling out of love i am absolutely devastated i can t carry on with my life and truly am considering ending it all i think i am gon na do it because she wa the only one for me what is the best way not to hurt your family thanks,Depression +40090,i m so sick of the grind that is life i m so done kill me please,Depression +40091,im this year when i finished school i started a business and thing when great too great because i made alot of debt at the time it wa not alot and now over the course of month ive lost the business thanks to covid i now work a a car salesman im married and my son is week old but now i sit with debt that i made while i wa make x what im making now and i cant pay it i cant provide for my wife or son ny wife dropped out of university because i cant pay it anymore tomorrow ill sell my last few possession do i can make it through this month but i plan on ending it soon atleast then my wife can collect life insurance and she will be set for life a for me i just needed to rant ive made up my mind,Depression +40092,i have never thought i d reach my 0 cuz since my early year i have been suicidal my life ha always been the worst i wa given the worst family my parent were when i wa born they were totally unable to raise a kid yet they decided to keep their pregnancy being a teen parent in a country where abortion is 00 legal since 9 is at least a huge stupidity i don t even have to say that my childhood and teenage year were creepy i went still do through need i had the worst and cheapest toy basic clothes the cheapest cell phone etc people are like forget about the past and focus on the present how do y all think it s easy to forget about poverty no it s not i can t forget all the humiliation abuse and privation i had to go through i m now totally hopeless still suicidal and i m pretty sure death is the only thing that can take my pain away and sooner or later i ll end up a a suicidal person i ve already tried to wait and see if thing get better but nothing changed thing get easier for a short period of time and then get unbearable again i just hope i die soon and all my pain fade,Depression +40093,it s just too much how do you know you re close is it when you start planning the detail,Depression +40094,i m year old and i wish i wa born into a traditional family like the american family we see in movie a close knit and loving family not necessarily rich but with enough money to have a comfortable life travel with family on vacation christmas eve dinner etc but i wa born in a third world country where there is not much possibility of being rich and people are not a educated and refined a in first world country nor is there a high human development index my family is disunited there is no affection between u and we barely have enough money to survive but the biggest dream of my life is to one day have a family like the one i mentioned before united loving rich and happy i really want to have at least one daughter and a wife and on vacation we travel together to fascinating place go on a safari in south africa see lion elephant giraffe up close climb the andes mountain range embark on a transatlantic cruise in short many adventure and family memory also for this purpose i m already studying several language through apps but given my current situation all this seems to me to be nothing more than an impossible dream it s a if i look in the mirror and see that my true image is completely different from how i would like it to be it s like a beggar in rag looking at a rich man in a suit and envying his life i m studying software engineering at college and it give me a little hope that maybe i ll get a good job move to a better place maybe a first world country take my family with me and there i can make my dream come true but speaking like that it seems like i m dreaming too high it seems that this life i dream of having is not for me and i should just to accept my third world life is it possible for me to have the life i want or should i confirm myself with a mediocre and unhappy life i m not to give up on my life anyway i ve dealt with severe depression and existential crisis before,Depression +40095,i m a m recently diagnosed with autism and adhd i have a long struggled with mental health i have attempted suicide a numerous amount of time been addicted to drug several time and i have given up completely my mum ha cancer and is going into surgery next week to have half of her lung removed my youngest brother ha non verbal autism and i think about what he might be like if he wasn t autistic and all the thing i would ve done with him one of my brother died six hour after he wa born from heart failure and the only memory i have of him is having my photo taken beside his corpse dressed in pjamas before he wa buried a a result i constantly breakdown whenever i remember or see anything from my childhood i wa bullied by my only friend group when i wa because i wa anxious about talking to my crush at the time and it got to the point where they made me extremely suicidal i wa then in an abusive relationship during the pandemic where i wa constantly gaslighted verbally abused emotionally abused insulted threatened with suicide and self harm a a result my severe anxiety and depression ha been increased to a point where i can t even go into school from how overwhelming it is i haven t been in since early february and i m on different medication for my mental health adhd and sleeping problem my life is so fucking miserable and i hate myself my inability to do anything and how i look i just want to completely tear my body apart from how disgusted i am being in my own body and i just want to kill myself more than anything a i know nothing will improve in my life and i will always forever be like this just getting worse and going down a further spiral,Depression +40096,i just don t want to live with out my wife it s been nearly six month since she left tomorrow morning i want to go jump,Depression +40097,i want to get help so bad i don t want to keep with the if all else fails i can always end my l fe mindset i m just scared because even if i do seek out treatment and for once i find a therapist psychiatrist who actually work for me i m not sure it s going the solve enough to make me want to keep fighting for this life there are so many issue right now so many thing i ve fucked up considerably even if i get to a place mentally where i feel like i can tackle them there s no guaranteeing i can actual change my situation i just wish i didn t have to wake up and continue to make my life worse i m a pathetic person i disgust and humiliate myself i m not meant to be in this world i m not meant to succeed in it im not meant to be anything or anyone other than this miserable lazy poor excuse for a law student i hate the person who look back at me in the mirror more than anything i just wish id never had to know myself,Depression +40098,i wa really stupid and ordered nitrogen gas without thinking of a back story because i stupidly thought they wouldn t ask well i got a call an hour ago asking what it s for and i folded he could tell it wa bullshit and i sent an email asking to cancel the order and now i m scared i m going to get sectioned edit the cop actually did come around today because of this but i wasn t sectioned,Depression +40099,people don t care unless it affect them i hate people,Depression +40100,life is genuinely so miserable and i quite frankly don t want to keep living like this but at the same time not only am i afraid of dying i literally have no accessible mean of dying either im too much of a pussy for the more violent kind of death and i dont have access to any of the item required for the easier way out all i am capable of doing is waiting for something to magically happen shit is so fucked and im tired,Depression +40101,throwaway in case i don t go through with this i have a loving boyfriend and i love him so so much but for some stupid fucking reason i sexted with my friend and i regretted immensely so when he eventually found out i apologized a much a possible and somehow he forgave me then it happened again and i just want to die now i have failed a a boyfriend and ruined something beautiful now my boyfriend and the friend i had the affair with hate each other and i never heard from the friend since it doesn t help that he ha several suicidal thought and now i just want to kill myself so nobody else get hurt all because i m a stupid piece of shit who deserves to be burned alive,Depression +40102,simple holding gun to head purposely overdosing and ending up in the hospital more complex standing in the kitchen holding a knife searching the house for anti nausea pill to keep down the rest of the pill writing contact info on a sticky note to keep on your person so the cop can identify the body when doe one cross that line what defines a crisis,Depression +40103,i ve been in therapy a few month cbt he mostly just advises me to try to stay in the present and mediate at first it seemed to help a little but the larger issue i have won t stop bothering me i make good money and i m not bad looking at all but i have basically zero friend and i haven t been on a date in over 0 year im and i ve been thinking about suicide a lot but i obviously can t tell my therapist or he ll get me emergency petitioned im really not sure what to do my anxiety and depression just seems to keep getting worse i can barely get myself to eat most day let alone exercise or try to talk to someone,Depression +40104,hi friend i hope you all are well well i should explain myself i guess i don t feel like i exist i mean that i don t have many people in life and those who are i don t see them missing me friend are nonexistent i do have a few acquaintance i guess i ve tried to make new friend and reconnect with old but school work and the guard don t allow for much down time and it s like i m the only one trying so why bother the logic also go into my luck on dating though to be honest i haven t really been trying i think i would rather make friend first work school and the guard are just thing i do now i don t really do them because i want to but because they re thing i have to do and i don t remember why i just do them like i m on autopilot my family is currently ripping itself apart i ve known my parent haven t been happy for a while but i didn t realize how deeply they hated each other and in their crossfire is everyone else i ll keep it short but somehow a hundred mile away they still managed to hurt me a way i didn t expect and i ve decided to cut tie with my parent for the mean time at least my brother are quite literally the only thing keeping me tethered to the world i don t want to hurt them but i just don t feel any joy in any action i take or any agency i just feel numb to everything not angry not upset not frustrated just hallow i don t feel like the same person that played lego batman with his brother split a milkshake on his boyfriend played minecraft with his parent partied with his friend took pride in what i did could claim myself i m just not i look in the mirror and i don t feel like a person is looking back at me just this husk and i don t know how to undo that i don t know how i got here i don t know how to feel like a person again and not this ghost haunting the park i walked and the clothes i wore well thanks for listening to my rambling i wish the best for you have a good day,Depression +40105,i constantly feel like harming myself i scratch myself hit myself in the face and constantly think about suicide i need a therapist but have no insurance i can t afford it but need it why am i living if it s going to be this way i threw away all these metabolism drink because they are making me insane my heart beat so fast and i can t for my mental health drink them anymore i m and feel mentally ill,Depression +40106,to end this shitty existence,Depression +40107,is this common or am i just the only one who s like this,Depression +40108,i want to die so bad and i might carry on with it,Depression +40109,i feel like shit i just want somebody to talk to idk if that s too much to ask for,Depression +40110,cliche i know but my girlfriend left me we had been together for about and a half year our anniversary wa coming up in july when we met i wa depressed and had been planning suicide she pulled me out of that and gave me purpose and happiness now that she s gone i realize i ve been living my life for her and now that i m alone i don t know what to do with myself i have no other want than her and it feel like she s the only person or thing that can make me happy again i ve lost all interest in my hobby and i have no motivation for school which i only started so i could make money for the family i had dreamed we would have i feel like i m right back where i wa when she met me alone and depressed with no motivation and no desire to continue,Depression +40111,i wish i succeeded those few year ago i wa so close but pussied out and hurt my neck pretty badly i wish i just kept up there for a few more minute then i wouldn t have had to deal with the absolute failure of a person that i am i want to end it i m useless and a horrible piece of shit i ve done some pretty bad shit and no matter how hard i try to fix thing to try and get my life together it just doesn t work i m now physically sick all the time in pain homeless and stuck in a fucking town i wish would burn to the ground i get bullied and mocked by the entire shitty as street i m in for being under a homeless organization for whole year i ve been begging for a house begging and begging asking for this asking for that can i please try and get this house no u can t can i please try and get this house no it all taken i ll never leave this hellhole i ll never get better nothing will ever get better so what s the actual point i m even too lazy to fucking kill myself even though i have the perfect plan grab my rope grab all my pill and favourite alcohol walk to the wood with my favorite stuffie and end it all by the place i felt peace for the first time i ll watch the water of the lake and then i ll finally be at peace and no more pain no more sorrow no more bullshit just nothing but no i m too tired to walk it i m too tired to write a letter i m too fucking tired to do it the reason why i haven t done it i need to take care of my boyfriend i don t care for anyone else because all of them are lying fuck but him i need to stay strong so he get a home so he can live happily but i don t know maybe my death can boost his chance of getting a better life it may hurt now but maybe my death will grab attention to him and then he ll get all the help he need might a well just got ta pick a date,Depression +40112,in the last month since june 0 i have made bad decision after bad decision to the point where i have completely screwed my life apart i lost my gf because of it i lost my mentor which i loved so much because of it i am in major debt because of it the last month messed my life up and i know it s because of me i end up hurting everyone i love i loved them both so much i have been telling myself the same thing over and over again if i 00 knew that i wa going to heaven if i wa 00 sure that i wa going to god i would have killed my self a long time ago,Depression +40113,life is so much pain and it get worse every year everytime i make a step forward life fuck me stepps back i just wish i could do it now today i don t even care anymore that my mom will be sad i never asked to be born in the first place should i do it end my life end this pain,Depression +40114,i seen it all out here i ve dealt with the younger generation which i don t mind for some of them are very respectful but then again some just turn it around and just want to be with an older woman for sex where are the compassionate people anymore in this life i m screaming out for someone to listen a i would listen to you i don t want to die but i m so tired of this life,Depression +40115,please kill me now i cant find remedy to this life i m literally numbed past few week me m month away from graduation but felt like failed list of failure inferior such that cant make a single friend 0th grade math mark such low that school didn t accept me grade wa c i am not dumb u fuking teacher th mark wa low bullied to mental illness in new school took admission in nice college using dad money first time felt dumb stupid useless wanted to die never been in a relationship don t know the problem there at this time upon i wrote this not a single person is there i call someone my friend many more such incident small or big are there it will take eternity to tell them all cant do suicide because i m scare of the pain cant live this life because what i have become and it giving me so much pain is there any cure is there any hope give me a pause button please please,Depression +40116,im home alone for the first time in a while cant help but to think now is the time to do it hate my mind think this way but idk how else to think,Depression +40117,i m had a suicide attempt around month ago and am struggling to move on after it i tried to overdose on my antidepressant i wa in the hospital for day on the psych floor until i got released since then i moved across the country and am living back at my parent s house in my childhood bedroom i applied for medical disability from my h teaching job am currently in therapy twice a week and thinking of outpatient program my antidepressant were increased along with adding a mood stabilizer all my life i ve never taken medicine and now i am on pill each day i am back at home and have no friend here i use no other social medium other than reddit due to my social anxiety i just adopted a cat for company but he hide from me all day i just feel so stuck and alone i ve been depressed for so long and am not sure how to move on i feel like i have regressed so much everything that i feared for my life when i wa young ha come true i am with no partner gay no job and no close friend my self esteem is shot and last night i cried for an hour when my dad sat beside my bed some day i feel ok but most day at some point i feel hopeless again honestly i don t know what to do with myself each day all my interest are gone and it is hard to just get out of bed anyone who ha been through this how do you move on i still feel i haven t completely processed the attempt,Depression +40118,i m just really out of motivation damn i felt more depressed then i ever thought i d be a week ago and the week before that my depression is getting deeper and deeper,Depression +40119,i just fucking hate my self i m turning into a fucking loser i ve recently pushed my girlfriend away by being a fucking depressed loser i fucked it all up just by not trying hard enough and i hate myself for it she wa the only person who actually loved me and now she doesn t want to see me anymore i don t know why i m surprised how could i be able to maintain a serious relationship when i can t even show up to work on time i never thought i would ever find love but i did and i fucked it all up fucked up the only good thing i had in my life work suck life suck and i m just soooo fucking over it i m not cut out for the ups and down of life i m just not cut out for life in general i m a fucking lost depressed loser that at the end of the day ha nothing to be proud of tonight i really just want to kill myself and end this hell i don t think i can take this shit anymore man,Depression +40120,you probably know how i m feeling about it lately when my mom s been calling it sound like she s been cry i wish she hated me like she should,Depression +40121,my father disagrees with me on everything and always brings nay topic up he know will annoy me i m only one person s true friend and even that is flimsy my stepfather bearly talk to me my mom always make acscusses about being mean i m atheist and my whole family is except sister are christian and think i m a failure for it my grade are going no where i see no point in continuing if god is real i m going too hell which is what i deserve i don t even know if these thing are true i hate myself and is not great at anything i don t know how i would even kill myself but if i saw a car coming i would not get out of the road if god isn t real ill never have to worry again because i don t exist anymore i just dont want too live and don t tell me the generic nonsense i ve heard it before it doesn t work,Depression +40122,i don t get it what did i ever do to anyone i doubt even some of the people that know me will feel bad or even start caring once they find out i m dead maybe they ll never even know and not notice my absence but why,Depression +40123,i don t know who i am anymore i ve tried so hard to regain a sense of who i once wa but it s pointless everytime i look at someone anybody i instantly feel reminded that i m nothing that i will always will be nothing i m not clueless i know why i feel this way i ve been strong for way too long i ve spent my entire life longing for something that will never come a decent family that isn t problematic friend and a proper support system this entire time i wa never strong because i wanted to be i had no choice but to be i m not a strong person keeping false hope by holding onto delusion to get by isn t what it mean to be strong i know the life i m living now won t last forever but the damage caused by everything i ve gone through is beyond repair i m unfixable my whole life ha been nothing but a buildup of trauma and it ll continue to be it ll never end more than anything i wish someone cared about me would hold my hand and tell me everything s going to be alright hug me when i cry into my pillow at night hold me when i m breaking down because i m not strong enough to take on the pain alone but no i ll never have anyone like that in my life only in my delusional mind if any word defines my life it s alone i ve taken this journey of endless trauma alone none ha ever truly cared everyone just watch me stagger along i wonder why i even wasted any of my time going to therapy none of my therapist have ever cared nothing ever changed i never felt any better i m currently feeling the worst i ve ever felt in my entire life i ve experienced so much pain throughout my whole life but nothing like this this pain destroyed all my dream destroyed who i once wa a a person there s only one way from here now and it s more down then i already am taking medication for my problem isn t what i need throwing pill at my problem isn t going to make me forget about everything that s ever happened in my life the only two thing that would be able to do that for me is severe brain trauma or death i m not going to use drug a mean of coping with my life using drug to solve and help with my problem i may be a worthless individual but i m wise enough to know having to take pill a a mean of getting better isn t the life i want i just need a human being in my life that care about me that is able to see my worth tell me i m more than all of this trauma however i know the reality and i won t sugarcoat it i come with too many challenge for anyone to have any sort of care for me i suffer from skin picking severe depression and anxiety ptsd constant disassociation where i forget who i actually am and feel like the world isn t real i m far too fucked up it explains why i have no friend why i have none in my life who truly care about me because of how long all of my problem have gone untreated i can t escape my suicidal thought my problem will always define who i am will always have the last say in everything i do nothing give me happiness anymore not food not drawing not reading or writing not watching the sunrise not the moon not late night not going outside not sleeping nothing all of it feel pointless now and it doesn t provide me happiness like it used to me i ve always preferred to keep my emotion to myself and not go to my parent for help because everytime i do i get the same response they always invalidate my feeling it s endless response that always tear me down they tell me i m overreacting that i should leave my problem in the past that i should stop being a crybaby that i should grow up already and stop being problematic saying that others have life worse and i shouldn t complain about it there s no point in wasting my time asking them for help i have none else i can reach out to none else that care i wa hospitalized a month ago after i told my school counselor about my suicidal thought what happened my parent were called i wa forced to go to the hospital and i got cussed out badly they said a variety of hurtful thing but what stuck with me the most wa being told that if i were actually suicidal i d have done it already telling me i m nothing but an attention seeker telling me i wasted my time asking for help and going to the hospital because no give a shit about me anyways no care at all for the fact that i m in the hospital because i don t want to live anymore i didn t choose to be open about being suicidal because i m an attention seeker i did it because i needed help surviving if my own parent don t care about me how can i expect anyone else to have any care for me the only living being i have left now is my lovely boy sled he may only be a dog but he s all i have left in this world unfortunately i just don t know if that s enough at this point to keep me going life ha given up on me so i want to give up on myself i m tired of my life consisting of surviving plainly existing without no meaning i don t want be strong anymore i don t want to live in my head anymore i never want to experience trauma ever again i want to escape i want to be free i m not sure if i ll ever get that chance in life and even if i do it won t be anytime soon if i had to guess possibly in a few year but i can t hold on that long hell i don t even know if i can make it to the end of 0 people with proper support system really don t realize how lucky they truly are that s the only that could save me from myself and the only thing i look forward to in the future if i make it the chance i ll have my own support system one of the worst mistake i kept repeating wa thinking that professional help would magically make everything better somehow it didn t i m never taken seriously because to them i m just another mentally ill person that doesn t hold much worth fuck that i do have many mental illness but i m aware and i sure a hell know what my reality is and what s going on i ve recently come to realize you can t rely on anyone but yourself to help you get better obviously this is far from easy when you re suicidal the harsh reality is i can give up or continue living my life in misery this isn t just the harsh reality for me but so many other individual who are suicidal or have suicidal thought or ideation it s not fair at all and none should ever have to come to that realization i feel like i m a lost cause now i m beyond sick and tired of hearing there s hope for the future something brighter to look forward to for the past few year i ve been feeling suicidal all i ve been doing is taking life one step at a time taking it day by day waiting for that one where thing finally start to turn around for me but it hasn t all the time i wonder maybe there s nothing left in my future except loneliness emptiness more nightmare to dream about more tear to shed and more trauma to endure i don t want to live like this anymore although i don t wish to die only escape this life i d rather be dead i don t want to be this aware i don t want to feel like this anymore i don t want the feeling of worrying about what the future hold to consume me anymore being failed by the system failed by society and failed by life is why i m suicidal,Depression +40124,i m not suicidal i just feel everybody close to me slipping away and it s crushing me slowly so i wa wondering what are the main sign,Depression +40125,don t want to do anything other than sleep drink or smoke because the future is hopeless because the past can not be changed and lost time is gone forever the logic center of my brain is screaming at me to exit this situation and that there s only one way that living in these condition is meaningless and all the more painful i ve tried everything i even treated myself a a stranger talking to myself a if talking to another telling them i love them and i would look after them and i forced myself to talk back i ve delved deep into question none right in the head would want to touch there s just nothing left to do i ve even begged for help pill only work a long a you take them even then they only take the pain away not the desire for death because it s all pointless in the end to hell with people who love me i m gone,Depression +40126,therapy meditation working out changed my diet spirituality religion medication what else is there,Depression +40127,i don t know why i hate myself so fucking much i want it all to end so i can finally be at peace with myself i honestly don t remember a time i wa happy even a a kid i tried to kill myself when i wa because i wa fed up with life they told me it get better but i m now and it s only gotten worse nobody can change how i feel i ve tried therapist different med all that shit nothing ha worked because life is a bitch and it s not easy i commend everyone who is strong enough to continue living because i am not,Depression +40128,i reaching help from stranger i really need someone be here for me i cant handle the pressure from depression i really want to suicide please help,Depression +40129,no matter how many people i talk to my suicidal thought always fester in my mind a problem shared is a problem halved a complete lie i ve told people about my deteriorating mental state yet the burden still weighs on me no amount of talking will ever ease the pain i live though my situation is hopeless and i can only predict a bleak future for me all i truly want is an end to my constant mental anguish i just want peace,Depression +40130,i promised my girlfriend i wouldn t try to end it again but i m too weak tonight i m on the phone with her right now i don t know what to do i just want it to stop but i don t want to make her cry again i m worthless,Depression +40131,i see it a the only solution that will make this everyday pain i feel go away forever,Depression +40132,i m not going to make it after school won t pas and be stuck there i think going out is hurting me i do thing and when i get back home i think it over and think what a failure i am i say something or do something and then i think everyone is gon na laugh thing is i ve got year before i leave school but i m still worrying i m worrying that my friend will leave after the mandatory time needing to spend with me even if i do go out with them more because it s spring i m worrying that this isn t my lowest point my mom already ha anxiety and depression and my dad who is an arsehole is moving out and i m just gon na leave her for the rest of her life however long that is the title is a tiny lie though i hope my mom carry on when i m gone i hope she carry on with the memory or just forgets me entirely so she doe need the grief without me i ve never told anyone except just a few joke with my friend and i don t think they caught on this one time i written a suicide note in my memo but i m so stupid i can t tie a noose not even a shoelace only thing i m good at is writing my handwriting is terrible look like a preschooler written it and i can t even join it up i came on here because i couldn t find anything to cut with and i can t go downstairs to get something it got a bit of the weight crushing my chest off but there is still some,Depression +40133,for anyone who s contacted the suicide help hotline ha it actually helped i don t think i ll make past this week although i have friend here for me and therapy i ve written all my goodbye and i m ready to do the deed a i ve got nothing left to lose any input is helpful,Depression +40134,i m sick of living the world is going to shit depression is ruining my life no one want to help why is it bad that i want to kill myself i think i should be able to genuinely life ha no purpose and i contribute nothing to society i m sick of being told to suck it up it s just life like fuck off if i m not born into a communist utopia then i don t want to participate in this life shit all i do is lay in bed all day i m unhappy in my relationship in fact it s what triggered my current depressive episode i just want to escape all i do anymore is get high and browse tiktok that s it,Depression +40135,i started having suicidal thought in april of last year and they lasted until around november in october i started hanging out with a girl and we started becoming good friend not romantic just friendship my mental health started getting a lot better after a couple month of friendship with her and it s kept getting better ever since a few day ago i made a passive aggressive comment that really upset her she won t text me back now i ve tried apologizing and trying to make thing right with her but i haven t heard back from her i m afraid i ve ruined this friendship forever and now my suicidal thought are back for the first time since last year i always hurt the people that i care about and i hate myself so much that i do this,Depression +40136,my mom basically invalidated my feeling now i feel like doing sewerslide,Depression +40137,i ve been keeping myself from here yet at the same time i keep coming back to read about other s experience maybe a a way to prove to myself that i don t have it a bad still though i feel so depressed and withdrawn from everything this suck everything suck i wish it wasn t like this plus i still can t put my finger on what exactly made me start thinking in such a nihilistic way i m constantly thinking if i went back in time or maybe if i did this just thinking of what could ve been knowing it s just going to drown me in hole of self absorbence i don t know if this ha bad grammar so if it doe then sorry,Depression +40138,i quit my job today after being told yesterday that i m bad at it and could be fired if i fuck up again i figure that i d rather remove myself before i cause anymore problem because i know that i m intrinsically fucked since middle school i ve become convinced that i m retarded and that i m a fucking waste of space who should be put down i left this job hoping it d maybe remove some stress from my shoulder but instead i m more angry than ever and i really want to start cutting i m so sick of all of this i m sick of people telling me i should stay here and lying to me about how good i am i m sick of putting in effort only to fail at every turn i m really sick of all it,Depression +40139,i ve been suicidal for year i hate my life and i haven t felt joy for a long time a much a my parent don t care for my feeling and neglect me i know that if i end myself they d be devastated seeing i m their only child i don t know what to do anymore tbh i really want to do it but i love my family too much to hurt them like that,Depression +40140,i suppose i ll live one more month the thing that is keeping me alive is my favourite music group and now they are participating in a show and i want to see it ending because this group s music kept me alive since 0 also i ll see my brother birthday but i think that is my maximum at this point i m really glad that some people supported me even that they know me only because of my reddit post and i got more attention and support than from my ex friend through last year i hope that everyone will be happy i will continue telling everyone that suicide is the worst decision but i cant tell it to myself not anymore my close friend could have died yesterday the bomb exploded km away from her and she is still in danger i don t know what i would do without her i m always thinking of everyone else but me and i ll keep doing it i think i don t deserve to be saved actually i don t want to struggle anymore i ve got so much pain that i couldn t even put it all in 00000 word even if i ll try to live i m sure i will be suffering just even more i have so little light in my life i don t deserve to be loved i always make thing worse i m sure that everyone will be happier without me that they won t have to talk with me and my parent won t have to spend money on my university idk maybe it s just my stpd schyzotypical personal disorder i dont know i don t think i know anything i don t know what is happening around me i i m tired and i m sorry to everyone who had to read this i m so sorry,Depression +40141,i m so sorry fernanda today i took different pill i don t know if it ll hit me in a few hour or when i close my eye and go to sleep maybe i ll survive i took what i have in the medication cabinet and today might be the day i give up fernanda my beloved i m so sorry i m dragging myself and my system to death some shout in my head saying they don t want to die that there ha to be another way but they aren t the host they can sit in the innerworld without a care but i live most of my life fronting my head hurt a i type this and i feel strangely calm with my heart slowing down to a normal pace something i wasn t used to anymore due to my sickness fernanda my love even if you don t read this i love you so much i mean everything i said in that message you make me the happiest man in the world and your support to be by my side made me feel a if i can continue just a tiny bit but i m so tired i can t continue studying and i can t do my passion you make everything so worth it i want you to live life with your fullest energy thank you for shining a light in my life i love you,Depression +40142,i just feel trapped being alive and death there s no escape for me so wtf do i do,Depression +40143,idk i m not a native speaker so i don t which crisis it is i m in my dorm room paralyzed took a seminar topic on which i can t find paper when i ask for help no one then came my shitty sem test mark with just the end sem remaining yes this is not the first time i ve cried after joining college i just can t see my future and i can only be numb to my grade and pain for so long,Depression +40144,i am miserable when i wake up i am aware this due to more than just simply being mentally fucked up i live a shitty lifestyle however i feel a though most day are purely predetermined for me almost like it s always guaranteed to have me thinking about killing myself by the end of the day,Depression +40145,my life ha gone way downhill first my best friend leaf without any kind of goodbye then my mother tell me that she doesn t love me after that my ex broke up with me then last sunday she told me not to talk to her again i can t take any of this shit for much longer i really just wished that it wa summer already then i could just kill myself and everyone would forget about me i would do it now if i could but i just think that it might be too close to my breakup and that maybe my ex would think it wa her fault when it isn t i don t really know what else to say my school ha this experience week thing where for a week we just have fun help out our community and don t have to worry about school everyone else in my grade is having fun laughing smiling and shit like that and i m just not i don t see how everyone else can find a way to be happy i see my friend laughing and having fun then they come over to hang out with me and i m just sad i honestly can t wait for the summer then i can fucking kill myself and not have to cry every night to sleep i don t know what help i might want or need but maybe some encouraging word or something might help but anything really would help,Depression +40146,i few week ago i wa shing and not going to therapy and i honestly wasn t feel a horrible a usual i woke up and and i didn t feel super horrible i wasn t hating myself and my urge to sh wa going down then i went to therapy for the first time in month and i wa told i have to cooperate cause i wasn t or my therapist would recommend my parent do somethings more extreme ie physic ward after that i that i decide that i would try to stop shing everyday and immediately i became way more suicidal i wa clean for a week i now wake up everyday and i don t want to get up and i m instantly hating myself i broke that clean streak by doing half my forearm instead of just a few and i may try to km tomorrow so maybe i wa just going numb and i wa cool with that but it s seems to be better than now,Depression +40147,i have a friend group at school yet i feel lonely and helpless i have anxiety and depression i ve always been a big guy 9 0 pound and i ve always been bullied for it i can t get a girlfriend because i m ugly and socially awkward i can t focus on school because i m always tired i can t talk to anyone about my feeling because i hate letting people into my bubble i miss the happy and innocent me at young age my mom left me with my grandma i hate to think what s gon na happen once she dy i hate myself i m ashamed of myself i wan na kill myself i m such a pussy i m afraid that god is real and i ll be punished i m afraid that when i die it will all be black and boring i don t know what s gon na happen if i do it if i fail straight to a hospital if my life doesn t get better i ll do it i hope if i do it i ll be reborn a someone normal and start over,Depression +40148,it s simple a that,Depression +40149,this is my first time writing this a releasing this properly i have had a plan for three year the plan is to end my life next year in may i have had this plan for three year up to this point so far i am not old and the only reason i am waiting is for convenience and not wanting my parent to find my body i honestly see no issue with me dying i don t want to keep living i don t want to die because i am in pain or whatever i just don t rly want to be alive anymore i want to cut contact with all my friend and family before i do it this may be hard but i will go through with it either way my time on this earth is coming to an end i am not religious in any way so i am a little scared in what happens next but honestly i hope it will be more interesting then my current mundane life anyways please refrain from going into the comment and writing ohh no please dont do it it not worth it if you do i will either delete your comment or just delete this post i just posted this because i wonder if i am alone with these feeling of just nothing ness,Depression +40150,i ve been having a few thought of sh si throughout yhe past week and came pretty close to actually doing it a couple day ago because my so and i got into an argument and he said some hurtful thing that other people have said to me through my life so i thought if everyone feel this way about me then why shouldn t i do it i know people will say to tell my psych but i don t think it will last that long so i don t want to waste her time and my time i also don t want her to say i should go to a hospital because i think that would be pointless too and a lot of money,Depression +40151,i feel like i shouldn t but i do i m tired and i m tired of being tired i m tired of feeling like i m broken and that i can t do anything right i m tired of feeling like i m in the wrong place and time and i m tired of hating everything i really hate everything most of all me i m tired of feeling alone i m fucking tired of it all i don t know what to do but i know i can t keep up with being a smiling shell i m going to fucking break if i have to keep trying,Depression +40152,objectively unattractive have never been touched by the opposite sex objectively unemployable no one will know i m gone never been valued peace out,Depression +40153,it may or may not make sense to you guy but i don t want to kill my self but i think about it a lot i m a sophomore in college and a everyday pass by i get more and more behind i don t have many friend up here and if i do i wouldn t call them good friend my schedule is so busy that i haven t been able to go home and see my parent or sibling in almost month these thought seem to be escalating but in a weird way some are soothing for the past week nothing help me sleep unless i think about what i would say in suicide letter to my friend and family again i don t want to kill my self but some of these thought are thing i can t control i hope i m able to be better than these thought and regather myself before it get worse,Depression +40154,i m not strong enough to kill me,Depression +40155,i m about to be living in nyc and have never done anything worth wilde with my life and im sure im doomed to become one of those in the way people who don t do anything in their life which i feared most of my life nothing i seem to attempt to accomplish work out no matter how hard i work or how right i do it i gave so much time to job organization to further my career path only to used a free labor studying only to use up all my forgiveness credit and flunk out i ve been wanting to end it all for a while every time i sleep i see the bk bridge the spot i picked out year ago to end it i feel like i rather be gone than keep living with fact that i m a grown man that s not worth anything hell my mom ha told me that i haven t done anything for her to be proud me and i won t let my partner destroy herself trying to help me i wanted to be an engineer for nasa when i wa younger but here i am today the world shitist it guy that hasn t been able to find a secure job in the past year i ve been desperate for work for a while today i wa given a work assignment from my contract company only to be told i don t exist in the company so i can t work,Depression +40156,i don t know what else to add don t try to comfort me i didn t want any flower i only wanted to lie with my hand turned up and be utterly empty how free it is you have no idea how free sylvia plath tulip,Depression +40157,i hate myself,Depression +40158,because he s so sick of me saying it and not actually doing it hahahaha yeah no one care i hate my fcking life i have bpd avpd and c ptsd everyday is miserable i hate it here i want out can someone who is planning too please chat me i wan na talk about way to go,Depression +40159,i put a resolution that if i didn t get a relationship by the time i m 0 i m going to kill myself at the end of the year i m 9 i turn 0 in mount i found someone but i really screwed everything up because i feel i don t deserve to be happy with anyone and this feeling like i should just end it all is still here on how a screwed everything up is i wasn t there when she needed me most when her mother died i talked to a few others and they think it s because i couldn t handle my mother s own mortality when this happened i retreated into myself and closed everyone out and barely spoke with anyone i don t know if i can make it much longer because i love her with everything i have and her heart is broken because of me i hurt her i can t fix it and i can t handle that,Depression +40160,i want to kill myself but i dont want to die i got my result and i barely passed when my dad get to know he s gon na hit me im really scared i tried my best i really did but i cant focus i dont want to die please tell me to kill myself,Depression +40161,it s like knowing your place in this world i ve always been proud of me i always felt i ve done thing a they should be done fairly loving good people listen to others helping them always trying to draw a smile on their face and making their world a better place because life is short and everyone deserves to be happy no matter what and i thought i deserved that too but all i can see is that i m lonier than ever i never felt what is being loved the only partner i had abused and cheated on me leaving me memory like me cry next to him and he sleeping peacefully i ve been in love recently again but i got rejected like a few time before that previous relationship i guess i m not good enough a always there s always prettier people than me i lost friend and people i thought they were my friend family and the two three friend i have now can t understand how lonely i feel some of my friend deceived me when i thought they would be here for me at hard time like i always did for them all i try to be happy seems to be in vain i will never be precious to someone i m sure that people who know me will still live if i die so i don t care anymore if i die right now life go on for them but i want to stop mine now my place isn t in this world i m hoping for a sudden death like a car accident a domestic accident or something that kill me because i m a coward and i won t kill myself hoping my parent donate my organ so someone with force of will life a happy life a life i wanted for me but i never got,Depression +40162,i get so confused sometimes i don t know whats real why i m being so dramatic if i can ever actually do this,Depression +40163,people always tell me how handsome i am i m ft with a muscular build i have a deep voice i m well read with interesting hobby and i can make people laugh but my teenage year were miserable with crippling social anxiety lack of confidence 0 friend and most importantly for me not even a touch of skin with a girl let alone holding hand you wouldn t believe just how crippling it wa i couldn t look a stranger in the eye properly until i wa 0 i wa raised to be away from other kid and naturally my only source of fun wa videogames at least hour a day people are always surprised to find out i m single i ll be tonight i somehow got through college without understanding social cue from my female classmate a couple of whom i later found out for sure liked me and that they had dropped some hint my life ha been on constant repeat of music porn and videogames i ve been begging god since i wa for a girlfriend after i just hoped i would get one soon and soon and soon with the pandemic flying by i realized it s almost been year and that i m about to be i can t bear it it s too painful every one of my peer have boyfriend and girlfriend they had at least a couple of long term one before my age this is killing me i feel like a baby that wa never cared for by his parent so i turned out to be a cold hearted psychopath from lack of love i feel like i m literally going insane i ve been having weird idea lately not just suicidal idea idea that would scare a normal person i finally understand how a normal person can go crazy like this it doesn t matter if i get a girlfriend now that part of my life ha been so bad so lonely that i m at a point that nothing is able to hold back this suicidal feeling i ve always been more emotional than other guy especially when it come to love i know guy my age that don t care about not having girlfriend but my problem is not that i don t have a girlfriend now it s that i ve never had one when i needed it the most i have a lot of med in my drawer that i m gon na gulp down with whiskey and go to sleep after shooting heroin i jokingly told people that i don t feel like living and their only response wa that death is painful well this way it won t hurt a bit,Depression +40164,i got my thing set up i ll run away and try to cut my wrist probably on some kind of train track or busy road to be certain i cant deal with life anymore i m just exhausted and i want my rest ik i tried to do it but i always bursted out in tear and eventually did not commit to it but it enough life keep throwing rock and i don t dodge them anymore i tried getting help and didn t get any i tried talking to ppl but got ignored i tried just going on but now i can t deal with it anymore i fucking y o and i always say it normal to be kinda depressed at this age but i don t believe it normal i don t get love and i probably don t deserve it just wan na leave this message for the ppl that know me you probably don t care bc i tried talking and you did nothing it not your fault i m just a coward and cant deal with it anymore so bye have a wonderful life,Depression +40165,how can i leave my abusive relationship and still keep my cat i ve been suicidal and right now my cat is the only part of my life that make me want to be alive i don t have anywhere to go and currently live alone with my bf thing started becoming physical when i called him out for cheating now i feel unsafe and desperately want to get away i m sure we re going to be losing our place due to not having money to pay rent i m wondering if anyone had resource out there where i can get help to leave and still keep my cat with me thank you to any who help,Depression +40166,it can take me almost a week to clean something simple or put away a small pile of laundry i didn t even eat today by anxiety wa too high and when i brought it down the depression wa unbearable all i can think about is how i never asked to be in this life to be born especially in today society i have trouble connecting with people and my social anxiety is so bad all the therapist i ve seen never really cared and acted like i wa being over dramatic the pill made everything worse and now i m apparently treatment resistant i can t even finish my resume because i m terrified of being around people again yet i can t find anyone who care enough to help my friend don t understand and they ve given up on me i just want a simple stay at home job with very little human interaction my friend said that s impossible which made me even more suicidal i hate the phrase it s a permanent fix to a temporary situation this isn t temporary i ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for basically year now yes i ve tried to get help but nothing ha worked i just keep getting worse i don t want to wake up i m too afraid of messing up an attempt that i haven t gone through with it i m just stuck in this hellish existence and i just want it to end i have no purpose no meaning please i just want it to end,Depression +40167,i can t do this anymore i think i might finally end it all i m just not sure the right method to complete it i have nothing more to live for i can t go on feeling how i feel i m all alone with no one to help me today is just the final straw i just need all the pain inside to end i ve attempted before and it didn t work i need to make sure it work this time,Depression +40168,i m and recently have gone back to school in person during covid were some of the best time of my life strangely enough a i learned i had a passion for game development and met so many cool people that i could just hang out with all day and never get bored though now that i have gone back to in person schooling i have felt so lonely i have always struggled with finding close friend with them always having someone else i feel like everyday is a massive obstacle and it s so repetitive and i just feel so lonely all the time idk what to do anymore i feel like it would just be easier to feel nothing then have to do this shit every god damn day since i don t have time to hang out with my game dev friend anymore and i just wan na die and all my other friend go to different school which make it rly impossible to get close with them i have tried talking to girl and i always fuck it up and i just can t do this shit anymore i feel so lonely and wan na km tho i know i m too much of a pussy to actually do it since it would be painful,Depression +40169,sorry for the clickbait title i just really want to share call this number if you re feeling down and hopefully it ll lift your spirit 0 99 0 i saw it on instagram,Depression +40170,i don t know if i want to die but i wish i wasn t ever born i am so fucking confused i constantly imagine myself getting hit by a train or jumping from high building i browse way to get oneself killed all i have are negative thought i imagine myself killed in accident or fight i am on medical study and i am not fucking interested in anything that these study involve i hate each and every one of people that are in here my group are all guy whose goal in life is to fucking learn a much a they can and boast about it later if they only have chance destroying other people by chance they are not fucking human i tell you their mindset is fascist hurting and non respective for others that i sometimes ditch fucking day on uni because of it they are fake pretending to be your friend while the other day they plunge you in front of every other my friendship with my only true homies from high school is constantly deteriorating my best friend got himself a girlfriend and got so fucking high on her that he completely lost touch with reality he doesn t fucking care anymore i do not have a girlfriend nor a chance to get one i do not have perspective for my life my real ambition are completely separate from the path that i ve already chosen every day is the same i don t find enjoyment in life i hate degenerate humankind but i am somewhat a degenerate myself i suspect myself to be fucking autistic because of symptom that appear in everyday social interaction call me stupid incel or whatever i do not fucking care i just needed to write this,Depression +40171,the word kill yourself repeating in my mind every time i think of how fucked my life is,Depression +40172,i can t tell you how many time i ve hoped for someone to show up to a place i m at and shoot me maybe then i ll make it onto the news maybe then someone will give a damn maybe,Depression +40173,i m tired of seeing political shit all the time everybody is always making fun of someone or arguing with someone and it s everywhere i wan na fucking kill myself for the sole purpose of escaping it it s not just on reddit either it s youtube it s real life it s tv commercial and tv show i hate it so much it make me lose all hope for humanity i want to leave this country but i can t i fucking hate living on this god forsaken planet please if anyone who is hyper political is reading this fucking stop do something else,Depression +40174,for a far a i could remember i wa always depressed and hopeless i wa always the mediator so i took in all the negative energy from others and let everyone use me like a emotional punching bag i grew up in a very dysfunctional way and i don t want to share it exactly but i want it to be known not only that but i have been fucked at every turn in life i ve been sexually manipulated almost burned alive neglected and i ve been told to just deal with it even though it pained me extraordinarily so the biggest thing that made me want to commit wa when my father passed and ever since i felt suicidal last march i wa going through some bad memory and i wa just being extremely depressed i remember waking up at am and numb in every conceivable way emotionally mentally and physically it wa like i wa in a trance and before i knew it i wa making a noose when i wa done i went outside and found a tree to tie the noose on and then before i did it i snapped out of it i remember just standing there and looking at the noose for good minute or so and then i chickened out i took the noose and threw it behind my shed and went to talk to suicide hotline sometimes i feel like i should ve just ended it then and there i still get so depressed and angry that i just have no idea on what to do that urge is creeping back and i feel more of a waste of space than ever what should i do,Depression +40175,now i regret ever seeking help the hotline had me wait so long and basically just mirror my word what s the point of looking for help anyway they just add to thing i fail again,Depression +40176,i m trying to take a sick mental health day but it s not working i m so paranoid i won t get to graduate eighth grade for having absence yeah our school give u 9 per semester but i m scared and yeah my principle ha been pretty lenient and let people with f s pas i have good grade but i always think everything is going to turn out horribly for me no matter what i do i feel so useless my friend don t seem like they even like me i m pretty much down to one friend that actually like me and it s an older girl i met online and that s pretty much it i want to die everyone and everything end up hurting me,Depression +40177,i d give anything to die i can t take this pain anymore,Depression +40178,i m not fat and dumb it s just how my life s been for a long time now and i don t see any change happening in the next few month or year idk,Depression +40179,im so tired of being alive and experiencing thing in general nothing is fun i suffer non stop and i feel like people that try to get rid of me are following me what s the point to live when i m only going to encounter these people everywhere and work a hour job just to go home and sleep i feel like the only reason people want me to stay alive is so that i can be put to use for them i have 00g of sn and antiemetic maybe i will put them to use tomorrow sometimes i wish i could just hire a killer to do the job for me,Depression +40180,idk how or when maybe overdose on some pill but i don t wan na suffer or maybe hang myself but again i don t wan na suffer,Depression +40181,im so tired i just want to sleep forever making a promise to myself that tonight is the night reaching out for help didn t work i can t do this anymore sorry guy,Depression +40182,i dont remember the first year of my life due to my father and his friend molesting me till mum finally managed to get away from him my earliest memory is drowning at the age of and having no one to care about me afterwards i wa just sent on my way at 0 i wa accused of beating my little brother when nobody wa looking mum refused to believe me even when he finally said it wa a kid at school that wa the first time i nearly killed myself life ha not gotten better my sister married another abuser my step dad lost the house and car and my mum is a neurotic mess who couldn t give a shit about me besides a her emergency atm i dont see why i should bother with life when this is all i have known it literally never get better i finally know how i will do it i have given myself week to see if i still want to do it and nothing ha changed my family probably wont know for a while nor care so this may be my only chance to say good bye life is just shit for some people i lost before i got a chance to start and i am fine with that now i suppose,Depression +40183,my roomate talk with her parent everyday for atleast 0 0 min and the maximum duration i spend on call with my parent is min it s not like they don t love me but i guess i m too boring or irritating for my parent too being a loner with no friend i crave for that extra one minute to talk and share what happened in the day with my parent ofc holding my tear back i hate how my roommate are social butterfly and how they are connected with their parent too i hate myself,Depression +40184,i lost everything lost friend lost the love of my life most painful lost my tooth have a fragile filling lost my youth i keep losing i ruined everything and keep ruining everything i am tired i really want to know my future will i find my place in society and a loving heart or will i die alone miserable and pathetic should i risk and keep living i don t like risking dying seems like a safe option my existence is pathetic i am the worst man alive cowardly and egoistic,Depression +40185,ive always been extremely considerate for people need even sacrificing my own for the sake of their need always just never telling the full picture or always refraining from saying certain thing a i do not want to offend people i just never get that level of consideration back not even half of it i must be a prick asking for this stuff i shouldnt expect anything for being kind but it always suck when you always get the short end of the stick always ignored no one give a shit not even from redditors though ive met some pretty kind one but the others are honestly garbage i remember i once typed something about killing myself and some random person messaged me sayinng that they want me to buy something for them a i anyways would not stay here for long that wa a year ago on this subreddit there wa a deleted comment in that post but i guess it wa the person who messaged me that one year ago ready to kill myself and here we are a year later and no progress with that i also remember another dude who said tick tock when i mentioned about killing myself not in this subreddit but from the trueoffmychest one i honestly fucking wonder why im even here ive amounted to almost nothing im tired of caring or expecting any form of love ive had so much copium in my entire life that i just never realised that no one really give a shit about me and im just dangling on a fucking thread that just wont fucking break cuz im a coward who secretly want to live but just want this fucing contant pain misery and dissappointment to just go away for once in my miserable life tldr fuck everything and everyone goodbye and goodnight,Depression +40186,the title pretty much sum up everything i turned a couple of day ago and i ve been dealing with my depression etc for a couple of year now and i ve been feeling completely hopeless about my future and everything else i just want to disappear forever,Depression +40187,i m so tired of living every day i wake up and resent that i m still alive wasting oxygen i m in pain every day i want it all to stop i wish my mum had an abortion when she wa pregnant with me i hate myself,Depression +40188,i m 9 year old and i have been depressed and lonely since i wa i have had some ups and some people that i connected with over the year but i have lost them all or wa betrayed by them i don t know how to talk with other people even people who have similar interest to me and i always think i make everyone feel awkward when they are around me or that i m imposing myself on them every month i tell myself that thing will get better and sometimes they do but then i lose what made me happy and everything else go wrong too it s been year of telling myself that thing will get better only to have them turn worse and i m so tired of it i am really afraid of death and i realize that i don t want my life to end i just want another life but suicide is starting to sound like the most bearable option,Depression +40189,so i have a friend that is showing warning sign of suicide what do i do to avoid a crisis situation and what do i do if it becomes a crisis and help is too far out i know every second matter and every action and word can mean the difference between life and death for my friend any and all help is appreciated,Depression +40190,i need therapy and i finally fully acknowledge it i am an unemployment year old student in lebanon middle east not the u my parent are some old school arab folk that would never entertain the idea of me going to therapy and the fact that i could never share the real reason behind it only make thing harder and the possibility of them cooperating even more impossible thankfully i can figure out how to sneak to therapy behind their back and although i have it really hard money wise i could afford a mid to low budget therapist a long a it will get me anywhere it would be the absolute biggest financial burden ever but i guess i got ta heal my problem among a couple lesser one i am what would be best described a in my own word casually suicidal i have been for so long just wanting to die and although i have no intention to act on it it weighs a lot on you to be jealous out of all thing from people that die around you i am scared that talking about it to a therapist might make her have to break confidentiality another thing that i am worried about is that any therapist i d go to might not be okay with me because of my belief i am pretty certain that my nihilistic philosophy backed by my lack of religious belief would have to be talked about problem is that i live in a muslim community and in these community my perspective on religion isnt taken lightly what is your take your opinion and all of that sorry if the text is messy and all over the place i just wanted to journal and thought that i might use this opportunity to take someone s opinion a well,Depression +40191,tw sui attempt mention of method invalidation take care of yourself before reading i m really really confused because i keep really really invalidating all the time i wanted to die i don t want to call them attempt because they aren t serious i took redacted amount but not a lot of zoloft the first time which is not enough to kill anyone i didn t know that but i wanted to die so that s the closest i think i ve ever gotten to a real attempt but i feel like it s more of an od than an attempt and i m just calling it an attempt based of my ni vete at the time the other two were the same night so i don t even know if i should classify them a separate or not the first the rope wa way too long and the second i didn t tie it correctly and it slipped i didn t try after that but like i never even got a little choked can i even call those attempt i wanted to die but wasn t in any danger these were all year ago and i ve had some therapist say they were attempt but i don t really believe that i wasn t close to dying like my intention i m so ashamed to even call them attempt because they seem so pitiful this past december i feel confident calling my cut a suicidal gesture because if i wasn t chicken i would have gone deeper into the artery i still needed stitch though because i wanted to die but knew that i wouldn t go deep enough so that s not even a true attempt either everyone else i talk to in my life with attempt is like yeah i attempted x amount of time and almost died and had to be in the hospital and i m sitting over here thinking how fucked up is it that i m calling my pitiful gesture attempt when they haven t even come close to having negative consequence it doesn t seem right to me am i just calling them attempt for attention because i want to make people think it wa more severe then it actually wa,Depression +40192,i wa on the edge of killing myself i wa dissociating and experiencing derealization on a daily basis i didn t think i would ever make a decision to pull the trigger but i wa convinced one day i would sleepwalk into doing it it wa strange but maybe some of you know what that feel like i quit drinking and doing all drug i wa depressed for a week but now i have not felt this good in year five year maybe i feel like myself again i tell joke i think clearly about thing and find enjoyment in life nothing else ha changed in my life but the weight of my emotional problem just doe not feel a heavy and it is not something that i am burdened by every minute of every day like it wa before i don t care what anyone else doe with their life i ll probably have a drink when i go out again starting in a few week but before anyone take drastic measure please try cleaning up just to see what your mind feel like in it natural state it ha worked for me and i did not ever think i would feel normal again it is working and i really really hope it can work for some of you too nobody should have to feel the way we have felt,Depression +40193,i tried to make my dream come true trying to make the law school thing work but it just won t happen i just wanted to succeed in law so bad but after the constant humiliation inability to compete with my peer and lack of a discernable future i ve realized i m not intelligent enough to succeed alcohol ha taken over my life recently trying to runaway from all the failure ha me in a drunken stooper most night so a would obviously follow im just thinking about escaping this world leaving it all behind and doing so in a responsible way in which only i would be harmed i m just not cut out for this world i know this with certainty i ve seen enough of life to where i just know im not strong enough to withstand it s horror i want this world to no longer have to deal with me i want no one to ever have to know me,Depression +40194,i have nothing to offer anybody that they can t and don t get from a dozen other better people i m ashamed to even exist in front of others let alone pretend that i m a real interesting in any way attractive person i m tired of pretending though i m tired of feeling like knowing that nobody care and for good reason other people are just unconcerned with me all of them always i m going to be alone until i kill myself nothing help nothing will help i m just a reject which make so much of life off limit to me and it s part that feel extremely important,Depression +40195,i lost a 0 dollar bill my mom gave me for emergency money that i have to give back to her i think that s god saying it s time for me to leave i m so poor and that wa not something i could lose i deserve to starve because of my stupid mistake i don t even deserve food i don t deserve to afford food anyway,Depression +40196,i fucking hate my life i hate everyone,Depression +40197,for a long a i can remember i ve always just felt inferior i m not good at anything i m not attractive i m not rich i don t have any unique talent or ability i literally just exist to let people down i always thought that a i got older i d slowly figure it all out but it hasn t gotten better and it never will i deserve to die for being a burden to everyone in my life,Depression +40198,what the title say,Depression +40199,loved her and gave her everything we went through alot cancer for my mom cancer for her mom we leaned on eachother stress life living together just so much love for her if you check my last post on r infidelity you can see the detail basically she dumped me said she feel numb need to be alone stress her mother illness work all that devastated me i accepted her decision and even told her if she feel like she need to be alone she s doing the right thing i wa going to propose soon now i wa devastated already really bad really in the most pain and now to find out she wa cheating put it on a whole new level the feeling of being thrown in the garbage and replaced the feeling of inadequacy like i can t be loved there a way out and i can end the pain i don t see a way out for me im so lonely im in so much pain,Depression +40200,when all i did wa be there for her i drove fucking mile when her anxiety wa about to make her pas out when her parent wouldn t understand even when she left and there were pregnancy scare and thought of him leaving and now the whole town know me a a fucking rapist and stalker even though we only kissed once i know this is going to sound fucked up even worse but i genuinely can t take the lie no one should get away with doing that to someone else and i really don t think im going to let her i really really really really don t want to but it s all i can think about god help me,Depression +40201,i wish i have never been born funnily enough i wa saved by the doctor at least twice in my life i don t understand fate really there are were many more deserving people to live than i am now i have to clear all this mess that i ve created i need to get rid of take care of so many thing i don t want my family to face all these problem after my death i don t want anybody at work to know i did not even want to create this post but by writing it the pain becomes more bearable and i can focus on finishing the thing i need to do at least that is the plan but there is still such a long road ahead of me and the pain is so unbearable so relentless and suffocating i would really like to give up sooner and i can t i want to escape my mind and my feeling be somewhere else not to exist would be paradise,Depression +40202,waiting for godot is a play where nothing happens two men stand at a bus stop waiting for a man named godot to come he never arrives that s existence waiting for someone or something that never arrives i ve been waiting for my friend for a long time and yet they never come i used to think i had a few close friend who would be there for me when i needed them but time ha proven otherwise so i m waiting for godot now but sooner or later i could simply find a ticket and take a bus,Depression +40203,i want to overdose and be done with this shit i m tired any pill combo that could help me,Depression +40204,because i have a feeling that most of you see yourselves a rick s you feel like you re a god cuz you ve realized that you could transcend emotion and everything but you re just trash in the end at least that is how i feel xd,Depression +40205,haven t written here in a long time let myself believe i wa getting better but seems like it s all just a scam i just wish i had my escape route open we shifted a few month ago and now my escape hatch is gone too,Depression +40206,i feel so trapped been through a divorce that s completely breaking me financially i have no friend and i work too much to make them i wa dating a lady fell hard for her and i can t move past her or get over her since we work directly with each other my job is a fairly uncommon one so i don t have much opportunity for another one that s pay a well i m completely stuck and i just want to be done with all of life s bullshit that s all i ever get handed is bullshit,Depression +40207,it feel like ever since i wa younger i couldn t ever make myself feel a will to live for context i wa abused pretty badly by my mom at a young age hit in the face beer bottle broken over my head and all the mental shit that came with it and at my grandma took me in and then i moved into my own place at my age now 0 but the feeling never went away in fact it stayed with me and i ve always been lonely never even had my first kiss through out my life and the feeling of just shooting my fucking brain all over my wall get stronger each week i have called hotlines and it s helped a lot but i never get over it in the long run,Depression +40208,i m at a very weird place in my life right now i m a year old male in college i m failing my college class a i have no motivation to do well in them i have a very poor relationship with my parent and family the one organization in my college that i m extremely involved with ha cut tie with me over accusation that are not true i have a leadership role in this organization and being a leader in the organization with no prior experience ha brought me a ton of hater and people that just want to see my downfall i literally have no future a i m supposed to graduate this semester and get a job but i am nowhere near both i can t pursue my real passion and to top it all of and what really might put me over the edge is problem with this woman in my life we met through this organization that i wa talking about earlier in this text a a captain i have my own committee of people that i oversee and she wa one of my committee member the first time we hung out in october she took me out to a bar after i turned it wa just me and her we quickly started to develop this really cool friendship where d we hangout and talk almost daily a a young man hopeless in love i started to develop feeling but nothing crazy because i almost always saw her a a best friend first and i m sure she felt the same way then we were at a bar about a month ago she wa talking to some guy at the bar and i wa having a funny conversation with my friend but i could see from the corner of my eye that she wa talking to this man and that s when i first started feeling these feeling of jealousy but i could tell she wa looking at me too talking to my friend and she came to me and we embraced and i hugged her almost all night had my arm around her and everything and she had her hand over mine too and we just kept feeling each other this wa the first time we ever moved into this phase of our friendship and i think we both felt something brewing in our heart for one another a few day went by and i wa out yet again talking to this other chick i met at the bar and we ended up almost hooking up back at my place but i couldn t go through with it because all i could think about wa my best friend who i really liked i m an introvert at heart and will always keep my feeling inside because i m scared to tell people how i feel and i suppress those feeling but literally the next day after this hookup that didn t happen i wa at a friend s st birthday party and got hammered myself and i had this urge of wanting to tell my best friend how i truly felt about her and that s exactly what i did it wa a thursday night she always go to this one specific club on thursday night so i ditched my friend and went to that club to see her and it literally played out like a romantic film she wa the first person i saw when i walked in and went up to her and for the first time in my life i poured my heart out to her and told her how i felt about her and how she make me feel and at first she wa shocked and then she said she felt the same way and we kissed for a long time at this moment i wa on cloud 9 i had never had a girlfriend before had never been in a relationship before but in this moment it wa just me and her against the world and i loved it we started to head back to my apartment but the alcohol wa kicking in for me and i passed out once i got back to my apartment i woke up the next day and saw her heel on the floor but she wa nowhere to be found so i texted her and told her that i wa sorry for passing out from the alcohol but i meant every word i told her last night she didn t text me back till later that day and she said that she wa thinking about it all day and night and she didn t want to fuck up our friendship a it s one of the few good thing in her life right now and i totally get that wa i disappointed hearing this yeah of course i wa but i texted her back saying that we can talk about this in person another time but for right now enjoy your weekend the next day we saw each other at a party and i talked to her outside and told her that i d rather say we tried to make it work and it didn t rather than not giving u a chance at all and she never gave me a clear answer she texted me later that night saying that she needed a break and some time to think so i said okay a few day later we had our last committee meeting and it wa so awkward cause we hadn t talked before and we were on this so called break and after the meeting ended she immediately left even though she usually wait for me i got a text from her later that night around am saying that this letter i wrote for everyone on my committee wa very sweet and cute and i asked her how long this break should last and she said she wasn t sure a she didn t want me to think that she wa leading me on which i thought she wa doing so we hopped on this facetime call and had a really nice long conversation about all the stuff we had to catch up on and then after an hour i switched the topic back to our relationship and she basically said that she didn t feel the same way i wa so hurt when she said this because all the sign pointed to her liking me too and i really felt like i knew what her heart wa saying we both went to sleep cry that night for each other the next day i sent her a text this time saying that i do need some space to figure thing out and we can talk after spring break so for the next week we didn t talk she didn t view my story like any of my social medium post and just simply didn t communicate with each other and it wa one of the worst thing for me to go through a she wa someone i really looked forward to talking to and to not be able to do that just sucked the sunday before we came back to college i texted her and asked if she d be down to hangout that first week we got back and she said she wa down to do so and i wa so happy because it felt like i wa getting my friend back again but then a few day later she angrily text me asking if i told anyone that we hooked up which isn t true and i told her that i didn t which is true there were rumor going around about u from people that saw u hangout a lot that saw u embrace at the bar that saw u kiss at the club and saw u walk back to my apartment together so people could only assume that we were a thing and i kept telling her that but she wasn t having it she facetimed me saying that she regretted ever kissing me she didn t want to be friend anymore and all this shit i wa extremely hurt hearing this and just wanted my friend back and wanted to forget ever opening up my feeling for her so i sent her a really long text explaining that i never said anything that i really cared about her and just wanted my best friend back she responded by saying that she appreciated me reaching out and that she wa over the situation and that she s not ready to move forward with me and doesn t think our friendship will ever be the same so i texted her this morning and i said i get it and if there wa any way we could meet in person and just talk she responded back by saying that she s potentially open to it but not now maybe next week so i said i just genuinely need someone to talk to but i understand her the last text she sent me wa i don t think i can be that person for you anymore i m sorry i am heartbroken devastated and hopeless angry at myself angry at this world and i just want to leave i have no direction in life no one to turn to anymore and i just want to end it all a soon a possible,Depression +40209,so i m starting to reach the point of getting rid of thing i own that way no one else ha to do that i don t really want to be in this mood but i don t see why i should bother trying anymore i m at the point where i can t hide how miserable i am and i don t want people to tell me it will get better or that i ve come such a long way i feel like i m holding those people back and they re wasting their energy on me i m not scared of dying anymore even though all i want is to not feel like garbage,Depression +40210,i ve just massively overdosed on all of my prescription and it won t be long till i get peace i live by myself so no stopping it now no point complaining about why but i guess this is just a last goodbye it s too late to go back on it i finally feel like i ve made the right choice for the first time in my life it s nice thanks good luck,Depression +40211,im now and my entire fucking life people have laughed at me every day i get told negative thing about my body and personality every fucking day a while back i reached out to my friend about self harm all they did wa joke around and tell me to cut myself deeper now i told them about suicide and they did exactly the same they even gave me method on how to do it i just wan na die i wan na stop existing and then everything will be over why is it so hard for them to understand this is serious i don t get it,Depression +40212,i feel trapped and like there s no way out everything feel like shit i went through ton of family and mental health issue but i soldiered on and i got my college diploma in social science and my bachelor degree in sociology i wa on the dean s list i worked my as off through mental illness and exhaustion and i m in thousand of dollar debt i did everything people told me to do keep going get a degree take out loan and now i can t find a fucking job that doesn t pay total shit public transit is beyond atrocious i just have 0k debt staring at me in the face every time i open my bank app i ve applied to hundred of job hundred of job my brother want me to go back to school and get more debt more fucking debt he want me to leave my boyfriend and move to another province i can t talk to him about my issue because every time that s all he suggests same with my best friend my dad life in a tiny town in newfoundland and make shit wage my mom life somewhere in ontario and ha made no effort to help me out despite not getting to see me grow up due to a nasty divorce i have no will left i m afraid i m gon na snap and go crazy i try really really hard to be positive but it s really hard to keep it up i feel like i m in one of those trap where the wall are slowing squishing you until you die please doe anyone have any advice anyone i m dying my hope is fading so fast,Depression +40213,i m a high school student f and i m not living in a country which speaks english so i m sorry if i m making grammatical mistake i m so exhausted i have did because of the s xual a ault i went thru a a child i can t deal with all these flashback and i have exam responsibility i can t even get out of bed but i have to study for exam i don t even know what i want in the future i don t want a future at this point i can t do this anymore so i decided to end it all tonight goodbye everyone,Depression +40214,yeah maybe you get your shit off your chest but nobody really care even here for the most part maybe 00 people read what you wrote but probably just will comment on it and say something to cherish you can someone make a group chat or like a discord server where we can vc and talk for hour and hour idfk please,Depression +40215,i wa just doing my fucking job today like any other normal person and somebody wa very obviously taking photo of me why fucking live like this my life is already shit because i m disabled and in chronic physical pain that will persist for my entire life people just have to dump more on me by alienating me i hate my life i want to die but also i want everybody who ha ever taken a picture of me to die also i hate them and myself nothing but staring laughing and pointing whenever i go outside it must be such a fucking privilege to look normal and never have to deal with those thing,Depression +40216,surviving and being in worst condition or facing the disappointment of my family is the only thing stopping me from ending it,Depression +40217,i feel so much worse after talking to a counseller i swear this time i might actually do it,Depression +40218,suicidal all weekend watched the infamous funky town gore video i m usually ok with gore and death but that wa horrific made me think could that be me in hell for eternity i mean if human could do something that drawn out and horrific there s no telling what would be in store down there and all because i couldn t handle the cruelty of human nature,Depression +40219,i ve tried everything i can think of or have been forced into and i m not getting better i m failing every class because i can t get myself to show up my parent are sick of me and trying to get me sent away my mom telling everyone i know about how i m such a pain in the as everybody is telling me to get my as up and get over it but i feel like nobody get me i am so tired and so done,Depression +40220,well i have so much going on in my brain let me try to organize it having an existential crisis i m i ve done nothing with my life i m scared to death that a sizable chunk of my life is gone for nothing i work at fast food where there is no advancement whatsoever i just want to go back to school but i can t tired of my job like i said i work fast food i worked a a crew leader and the b i went through on a daily basis wa enough to have me walk out a year and a half of day a week of bull crap just piled up on top of me one and a half year of them playing music i can t stand and me being too nice to say anything because i didn t want to be the one to ruin it for everyone else so i endured with one ear bud in my ear until my bos told me no ear bud back to square one listening to others music for hour a day tired of life ever since 0 hell ever since i got out of the army my life ha been shit in the army i wa confident strong and proud my co took everything from me and gave me the boot ever since 009 my life ha been a struggle to get settled on two foot i ve abused drug been raped been abused been through natural disaster that have taken everything from me i have been kicked to my butt then kicked again while i wa down i hate being disabled i m ptsd ocd bipolar adhd i take so many medication that i don t know what to do with myself just to have a somewhat normal life i m so tired of getting my emotion dismissed and told that i m overreacting just because my disability isn t seen,Depression +40221,this lady is responsible for my first experience being choked at broke an ankle getting tossed out of the back door in my underwear at 9 because i called my mom a demon i knew it at nine she s a fucking beast who fed me to her partner who is a beast and a fucking pedo now she s on this faux spiritual journey which includes putting loving herself first like after year of breaking mirror with your fist when i wa and shoving me down stair and ripping out my hair and beating me until my ankle broke trying to run free is all in the past and now i m so i have to move on with no closure and you expect me to just be goofy and smile and that s my new purpose she birthed me to be a freaking body bag and she discarded me too it s just so surreal to realize that you were born with the purpose to love and follow the one who had a kid because she needed a friend now she doesn t need me and now i feel like i also have no purpose maybe i never did in the first place i wa the girl that took the abuse silently and now my role is done but what do i do with myself now then why am i here if no one need me anymore,Depression +40222,for the last five to seven year at least i ve always figured that once my parent were gone it would be my time i can t bring myself to do that to them however the resentment toward myself and my entire existence have manifested into something that is extremely hard to control i m not going to get into specific but that is just how i feel i guess my main curiosity is if there s anyone else who s still around solely because the thought of their death impacting their family would crush them that s the only thing going for me this day and age i hate every moment and every interaction even though i constantly try to convince myself it s good for me countless time i ve tried failed and never seemed to fit in i m just done i hate everything unfortunately even though i try to love i love my family although it s just too much i ve been hurt and ignored to the point i ve convinced myself no one give a fuck which is probably true nobody doe maybe someone is in the same boat i ve tried to be the most optimistic person i can but i ve been failed so many time i struggle to even grasp for a reason why,Depression +40223,she wa the only thing making me feel guilt or sadness at the thought but now knowing she won t care i think i m ready,Depression +40224,the one reason i ve decided to stay alive ha left me she said that the way i acted wa too much and she had cut me out of her life completely she wa the only reason i d keep trying but now she s all gone there s no point to anything anymore i m so tired of trying i miss her so much i m diagnosed with depression ptsd and bipolar type ii i m on anti depressant on a dosage considered to be high for adult it doe nothing for me i can t find the energy to do anything anymore my mom said she s going to leave because i m too much for her to deal with now i doubt she will see this but if she doe i love you so much i know people say it get better and i ll find someone else she s the only person who loved me unconditionally and showed me that the world isn t a bad a it seems now she s gone i ll be leaving at 00 thanks to whoever stayed with me on my journey,Depression +40225,i am not sure if this is the right place for it but last friday one of my classmate told me jokingly to jump out of a window i ve had it up to here so i said i d blow my head off my other teacher know i don t mean it most of the time but we had a new teacher during that lesson and i guess he took it seriously will come back to that later on the weekend i tried to hurt myself and went to the hospital on monday they prescribed me some lexapro and i went home relieved that i finally got some help half an hour after i returned home cop stormed my apartment saying they received a hint from the school that i wa gon na hurt myself and they searched my whole apartment for a gun which i don t have so they obv didn t find one they then took me to the same hospital i wa at just half an hour ago and i spoke to the psychiatrist there again who told the police i am not a threat to myself or someone else so they let me go again during that they took my phone and it ran out of battery and i didn t have access to it for like hour or more during that time two of my classmate messaged me asking why i blocked them and they attacked me not knowing my phone ran out of battery and that s why i didn t answer they then blocked me and i explained to them on instagram what happened and they read it but didn t care apparently the police said they would send a car to the school to talk to the headmaster but idk what came out of it i am guessing my new teacher reported it i am so scared of getting kicked out of school god damn i have an exam today and now i am unsure if i am allowed to go to school again today i am currently on my way to find out and i am on the verge of a panic attack because even if i am allowed my classmate will hate me and attack me and it will be super awkward idk what i tried to do with this post but i just needed to tell someone i am so anxious and hate myself for not shutting up for once thanks for reading,Depression +40226,in the past year i got raped by a friend i trusted deeply i lost my job to covid my grandmother who i loved more than anyone passed my best friend completely ghosted me found out i have a chronic disease i can never have my own biological child i thought a these thing were happening that i would eventually be able to move past them that maybe they weren t such big deal and i really wa being too sensitive like my parent love to tell me i m an adult and i most definitely can t afford to move out i can barely afford to pay the 00 a month rent my parent charge me i live in the same room i ve lived in since i wa born i just pay for it now with money i wa saving for a car so i don t have a car i don t have my license cause my parent won t let me drive their car so i ve never practiced i don t have a single friend i had two but if you read the beginning yea i ve been homeschooled since the start of high school so i don t have anyone to fall back on except for family my grandmother wa the only one who really sympathized with me and i spent the past two year taking care of her pretty much full time she wa 9 and mentally and physically declining it killed me to watch the woman who raised me wither away i felt like i lost my only purpose when she passed away and i constantly blame myself for not being there when she died she had a heart attack and the coroner told me i couldn t have helped even if i wa right beside her but i m eaten alive with guilt i m still grieving but i need money to live i interviewed and got a job at a place i wanted to work i wa dreading it though because i knew my only way to get there is my parent my dad begrudgingly take me even though i don t know how he expects me to pay his rent if i can t have a job he constantly complains about having to take me there and back which is at the most minute of driving yet he won t aid me in getting a license and is draining my saving from my old job by charging me rent and now my current job is slashing my hour i went from 0 hour a week to what the fuck and they now expect me to do double the work on a single shift for 9 an hour i thought thing were looking up when i first got that job but now it s just shit i m not making any money or progress in life i m dependent on my family and im sick and tired of it i don t feel like an adult at all and frankly i don t want to be why would i want to live the next sixty year to pay tax work and be miserable there s nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering i m traumatized from being raped i ve never told anyone irl and i think i m asexual because of it now thinking about anything intimate make me physically sick i never want to be in a relationship what s the point if i can t have kid anyways nobody would want me all i really want is a friend or two people to talk with and share hobby but i can t drive myself anywhere so i m kinda unable to even attempt to make connection with people and i ve noticed pretty much everyone my age is only interested in hook ups or relationship my old best friend of year completely ghosted me after she got a boyfriend i wanted to know what it wa like to have a boyfriend and my first kiss but it wa forcefully stolen from me i wanted to master an instrument and another language i wanted to keep seeing cool new game and anime come out i wanted to try food from around the world i wanted to see the northern light dance i wanted to see sakura season i wanted to see crystal clear ocean water i wanted to spread my wing and be able to just live normally but it just wasn t meant to be for me well i accidentally turned this into a long rant but basically i m giving up i see no point in living tomorrow will be my last day i made plan with my older sister to go to a movie and dinner so it ll be a good day at least i wa gon na shoot myself but i figured an overdose will be le painful for my parent to come across i m not sure exactly what i believe in but maybe life will be better next time my heart hurt for anyone feeling the same way i do it s hard thank you for reading,Depression +40227,life feel shitty i m not smart i don t find myself attractive i m so skinny have no friend toxic family not in a relationship i feel lame i m legit going insane have suicidal thought but luckily i feel a bit better cuz i had a convo with my therapist today i feel like nothing is changing my mind,Depression +40228,i ve been depressed since i wa year old recently got diagnosed with bipolar personality disorder when i already got diagnosed with anorexia binge eating ibs issue anxiety and depression every day i say i want to kill myself and die i want to die today i looked up parent who s child committed suicide i wanted to see their perspective if i were able to do it i have a plan already but ik i won t be able to do it just having the option is fine why is it so hard to want to be alive and live i don t want to tell my therapist or my psychiatrist because i will get sent to the hospital i love gaming and i won t have to sense of relief if i say the truth i might do it after highschool or maybe after i finish university i can t do it my senior year because that s a waste of school year i m in my junior year have you guy ever looked up story of people who wa close to someone who committed suicide,Depression +40229,i wanted to type so much but it doesn t matter all i want to know is how to end it quickly did anyone have anything they can tell me i don t want to be found i just want to do it and ppl think i got murdered or disappeared i just want to know what pill where to get a gun or what vein to cut please i want to do it asap before i do something stupid like change my mind,Depression +40230,i m not here for support or anything i m simply here to find an easy painless way to do it i m sick of this place it s not getting better it won t get better only worse it s been this way for year man like literally year when i wa a kid the only thing that made i enjoyed wa video game and now i hate video game simply because i don t find any enjoyment in them smoking weed used to make me feel more numb or at least not like this but i m sick of it i m angry i m angry at my existence and i m angry everybody get so upset when i say i don t wan na endure anymore it s pathetic it s a if the pack animal want to include me in their pack just because i want to exit so somebody please tell me an easy way to leave this place,Depression +40231,no one care literally no one care even the mental health service they discharged me because i wasn t engaging with them enough and my case is too difficult for them i wa on a waiting list and wasn t even receiving any therapy i tried to appeal their decision but they re not listening and at this point i already accepted the fact that i must unalive myself i don t have any friend family i don t have a job because nobody want me due to my mh problem what s the point of trying i ve been trying to change myself but it seems like my depression is winning and nothing will ever change i know i have to do this i m 9 and i know i m young but i don t have a choice i already decided i will od next week on my 0th birthday my problem started when i wa born and will finally end next week i m scared but i hope i ll never wake up,Depression +40232,i say that i m feeling depressed and instead of saying anything about it they just start talking about their own day they used to ask me what s going on but not anymore i think it s time to start writing that note,Depression +40233,i just can t stop think about i see myself doing it in my mind all the time it s so hard i just want to do it rn i have a break soon i think i am gon na do it but i feel so bad for my friend but i just can t do it anymore,Depression +40234,i m done with life i can t cope year wa enough anyway will 00mg of amitriptyline 00mg of lyrica and 00mg of tramadol kill me if you re reading this i hope you re doing well,Depression +40235,i dont want to hang myself i don t want my parent to find my body i d rather overdose of tsa antidepressant and other sleeping med i just want to take a whole bunch get in my car and then idk drive south until i get to the border or something go east to louisiana i don t know would my psychiatrist lose their job,Depression +40236,is it normal of me or like i just see cutting myself a like not a problem i mean it s my body and like i m not hurting anyone it is also making me feel so much better when i m breaking down when i cut myself i feel so much better it really like feel like it s the only solution to when i m feeling like shit and i just don t see a problem with doing it now it s just normalized to me,Depression +40237,dear who ever find this i m sorry so sorry i did try i know it wa never enough for anything but all i wanted wa to be okay i don t know how to be tho i m not enough and i will never be all i do is make trouble and upset people i m sorry i must of been a big burden on everyone i m deeply sorry for everything i ve done and now everything you have to do now i m gone i just don t know how to fix everything i m deep in this hole how am i meant to climb out when i ve never been taught too i m haunted by everything how am i meant to live my life when i m trapped in the past i just want to be normal and ok why doesn t anyone understand i suppose i haven t helped myself but it just suck suck i wa never worth enough to myself to help myself i honestly dont see myself going anywhere or doing anything worth while i m sorry i know this is so pathetic of me i just dont know what to do i want to live i want to see my sister grow up and my mum and dog i want to fall in love and draw and live on the beach with a balcony i just cant bear this anymore what am i meant to do i m so fucked i m scared and so unsure of everything i m so overwhelmed over everything i ve done this to myself i m so dumb no one can help me now i m sorry i tried in the end ok that count for something right i m just not a good person i realise that i never will be i love everything so much i wish they loved me aswell i tried everything to be happy but honestly they nothing left for me i could write more but what s the point i bet i won t even do it co i m a pussy i bet i ll just delete everything i don t want anyone seeing than clean and realise i m dumb and not kill myself i m a pathetic excuse for a daughter i m sorry all i do is sleep and dream all day this is no life for anymore i know compared to others i have a good life but that just make me feel even more pathetic for hating mine i love you lot goodnight,Depression +40238,no actually why am i in constant fear and why do we all have to tip toe around everyone all the time,Depression +40239,yet you just want me alive for your conscious i pray everyday that something put me out and kill me this pain hurt a lot,Depression +40240,f it s currently am and i m cry like every other night i seriously don t wan na go tomorrow i say this every day i hate it there i hate it so fucking much got so many absents this year i m pretty sure i ve missed a whole month at this point i at least get to see my friend for 0 minute during break but that s pretty much all that s good about school right now so i m thankful for them i can t stand one more second of sitting in class trying to pay attention like a if nothing is wrong with me i also absolutely hate the subject i take they don t teach what i want art so i m stuck with boring as lesson i don t give a shit about we have or more test every fucking week and i m so sick of it how the fuck am i supposed to study when i can t even get out of bed and do basic task this school doesn t give a shit about mental health well in their advertisement they do so but that s all for show i feel really guilty for even feeling this way because there s literally nothing wrong with my life i have a good family good friend in a safe country and am in a financially stable household don t get me wrong i am completely grateful for all these thing yet i m so depressed and nihilistic thinking about my future university work etc make me sick i can t comprehend living past i would ve killed myself long ago if it wasn t for the damage it would ve done to my family i m taking international a level so the workload is pretty brutal high school is a very small part of my life so i just need to be patient and get it over with i just have one more year left but it sound way easier said than done seriously feel like like i m over complicating my situation which is 00 the case because i always do this i m still so young none of this is gon na matter in the future wish i could just take the depression a well a the anxiety that make me overthink out of my brain like a if it wa a physical thing then all these negative thought and the anxiety i feel every second of every day would be gone sorry for the long as rant literally nobody is going to read this,Depression +40241,i m done with this world and there s no changing my mind on that but i do know that i don t want my death to mean nothing i m a healthy teenage athlete with a good body so if anyone here know how i could go out but keep my organ preserved for people in need of them i need answer there s people that want to live and me who is done with living so i want to help them live their life if i laid in a tub of ice would it help,Depression +40242,within the last week i ve broken controller one of which i actually stomped on until piece littered the carpet through out my life i ve never broken anything out of anger but now i can t fucking control it i feel le of a man every day when ever i see someone better than me at anything i m constantly angry at work and at home now angry about home stuff when i m at work and angry at work stuff when i m at home i just want to eat a fucking bullet i m a fucking pathetic excuse of a man through and through there s not an ounce of me that is worth anything i am below dirt i should be buried alive i have never had value in any capacity to anyone,Depression +40243,i did bad on an important test i thought i would do well in i thought wa my best subject i thought i studied well there s more important test on those subject soon if i think i m doing badly on those subject already then the test probably will go worse i feel bad for disappointing everyone i feel bad that i m complaining so much but i want to die so bad it doesn t feel like there s anything else for me if i do bad in school a family friend is doing an art related course they seem to be having fun i like doing art but i m nowhere a good a her or good enough to do a similar course a school friend is doing well in school we share many of the same subject we share the same high expectation but i can t reach them she complains about mark way higher than mine i m resentful but really i m just envious i don t even know what i want to do in the future why should i put in effort for a life i don t want do i want it i think i want it i don t think i have any actual appreciation for the academia just that i want to fulfill the thing i ve always been told to it s dumb and i should just accept my actual ability it s all my fault in the end that i should ve done this or that but i don t want to try anymore i m so tired of trying and failing and then giving up and then doing it all again for whatever reason the enjoyable moment in life don t feel worth it at all or maybe i m just too stuck up to appreciate them enough either way i want to give up i m sorry i m so childish so self centred i m sorry i m wasting everyone s time and money and effort i wonder how much longer i will continue to do so i m sorry that my problem aren t really big enough to be upset over it all feel too pointless,Depression +40244,i ve been trying to survive for so many year that i hope the universe will someday grant me the opportunity to finally live my life of all people the broken are the more evolved hence i hope that we the suicidal one will also be given a better shot at life the right opportunity and a kind community because i know in the deepest depth of our heart we really truly want to live although not our current version of life but the better and kinder version of life,Depression +40245,ever since i wa little i wondered what purpose i served in this world i wanted to die because i really did not understand my use today i grew up i thought i had found this answer or that i would find it one day but i do study that don t interest me my family and my friend are far away i just realized that my spouse wa using me from the start and the world is bad i m useless and i don t think i ll ever be used for anything the urge to die is coming to the surface faster than i thought,Depression +40246,everyone ha a particular reason for existence everyone ha a motivation an incentive to move forward in their life life is undoubtedly an amazing gift bestowed by the creator and death is perhaps the biggest nightmare but to some it s the opposite sometimes everything seems meaningless someone like me who is afraid to take even the smallest step that involves pain actually doesn t deserve to live let alone succeed besides what are the odds that i will succeed the feasibility of succeeding seems to be lessening a every single moment is fading away they won t return back i am not writing these word emotionally i am completely within my sense thing lately have been very tough and i know how doe a precarious life can eventually lead to depression and suicidal thought,Depression +40247,i feel like giving up again i thought i had overcome this but i guess not back to square one wanting to die but not wanting to kill myself anyone else feel the same,Depression +40248,i don t feel like myself anymore and i don t think i can be fixed not a day go by where i wish i didn t wake up again i don t know what s wrong and i ve been trying so hard to be better i just can t do it anymore i m so sorry,Depression +40249,i want to commit suicide a soon a possible but i cant fin a method thats good for me either the method seem too painful or i dont have enough tool for them i wa considering overdosing on paracetamol but it take too long i dont know what to do i would like some method or advice,Depression +40250,i lost everything i have no friend anymore what even is the point anymore there nothing i wan na live for anymore i just wish my life felt worth living my chest hurt so bad i wish i wa enough for myself,Depression +40251,i m wondering,Depression +40252,i ve been waking up and going through the same day repeatedly for a long time i wanted to get better but i wanted this particular person to be by my side while i did it i ve made a plan and set a date i know in my heart it s the right choice i just hope he doesn t blame himself when it happens it wasn t him that make me want to follow through i m just done hurting everyone that come in to my i m done being ashamed of the person i ve become and i m done looking like i don t care i felt every emotion so keenly that it forced me to realize that those very same emotion made me react in a way that i wasn t proud of my reality is shifting and these shadow are the only thing that is my company nothing is ever going to change for me even if i go to therapy even if i get med sooner or later it always return i m done being a prisoner of my own mind idek why i m posting this maybe hoping the right person will see me and talk me out of it it s not that i lack love it s actually the opposite i have so many mental health issue that i m such a burden on my family now my addiction ha returned i m just so done with living like this it s a little ironic my selfishness is the cause of all this selfish to the end i m sorry s i hope you don t blame yourself and if by chance you see this i want you to know i think this is always how it would have ended,Depression +40253,i feel guilty of everything i feel guilty for telling people my problem and burdening them when they re dealing with worse i feel guilty because when people dump their problem on me i can t handle it anymore it s so selfish of me i hate myself for it so much but when people dump their problem on me i just want to kill myself because i m exhausted i m exhausted of helping people i ve been doing it since i wa 0 and i feel so guilty for being exhausted i cut myself over and over for being so selfish,Depression +40254,my mind is in such a negative space i m overstimulated but every noise and word someone in my family passed away my period amplifies every emotion i just can t do it anymore my negativity is like a cancer and i d rather not infect anyone with it i want to die daily but i can t although i fantasize about it a lot i cut myself instead in order to stay alive to numb myself from the insanity and madness inside of me i feel unheard i feel burdened by my own existence and i ve been made to feel so bothersome to others i don t know i don t have much hope i m not angry i m maybe sad mostly i m so depressed and misunderstood by everyone because at the end of the day no one care to listen to me they think they re listening but people only have a limited amount of time that they ll let you talk anyway nobody need to be my therapist i hope my life end soon because i am unable to deal with the turmoil inside of me i just can t do it anymore i m desperate i m sorry,Depression +40255,i m pregnant with my four child third baby daddy he left me about two week ago after assuring me he would be there for me and this child regardless a he knew i didn t want to raise another child alone i can t go thru with a abortion my two other kid are about to be and year of age there are no day care place i would be able to take my baby after it s born i don t have a mother or any sister family to help i will literally have no choice but not to work and eventually evicted from the house i rent i have worked so hard to make a nice life for me and my two kid now after being kicked off my family s property i lived in for 9 year i am native american so it s trust land i wa always told i would be able to live on i have kept the house i rent now for year ab raised my two child i have now for their entire life myself i did everything i could to give them a better life then i ever had and tried to be a mom i never had and parent all around i never had i had a shit childhood like most of u do i wa a product of a sale my mother wa a whore and my donor wa a customer my two brother and i were never wanted or meant to be when my mom disappeared during a custody battle my grandmother made my dad take me in she wanted to take care of me because she thought it wa right my donor could care le rather i lived or died i wasn t wanted and he will tell you that his self my grandma passed away due to alzheimer s when i wa about so my donor had to play dad during this time he used me a his personal punching bag and he allowed my brother who had molested me since the age of four to do the same i ran away at the age of and made a series of bad decision everyone say i m so strong for what i have been thru and over come but i feel if i wasn t so weak and stupid i would not of even gone thru those thing i have been held down and raped by cousin a stranger at gun point the guy i ran away to at lied to abused to the point if i have hearing loss and loose front teeth due to the beating from men shot with a and hit twice by the bullet it s like i wasn t ever supposed to be and life kept trying to make up for it mistake by trying to unalive me multiple time but here the hell i am i love my kid so much and don t want to leave them however i will have no way to support them once this new baby come and i just don t know what to do the people i rent from say they will help me a much a they can but they are elderly and i don t know if they can do this for another year till my baby can go to day care i know i should of got birth control and i use to have it but my lupus make it so i get clot with most birth control and others are dangerous i know i should of used a condom but love is my drug and so i m stupid when it come to men i know this is all my fault and killing myself will leave my kid with a man who doesn t really love them like a father doe just like what happened to me i know this and it kill me but i just don t know what else to do any more i m such a fucking joke as failure and i didn t want my life to be like this i have just been trying to pick up the piece and make the best my while life now i m here and i don t know what to do but end my life i have worked most of my life since the age of so i know my kid father with get money from the state if i pas away so maybe they will help him be a better father and maybe his wife will feel sorry for them and love them too i am too coward to take a gun and do it myself because i m afraid i ll fuck it up i just want someone to do it for me or tell me how to commit suicide by cop or the least painful way to do this i have no one nothing no friend or family just mt kiddos the people i rent from and the day care lady i wa saving to buy a place with this last guy now i ll have to use that to pay for our life once the baby is here till it all run out then i ll have to sell thing till it s just here minimum so we can live in my truck my kid deserve better my son is such a sweet boy and my daughter is so strong and beautiful they deserve so much better then i ll be able to give them soon i use to pay k for birthday party now i ll be lucky to even get them a hostess cup cake when their birthday some around please don t tell me i have so much to live for i know my kid need me and i know this just passed the pain to them but i have no option i m week pregnant a of right now and i can t bare to have a abortion and yes i thought of adoption but everyone i looked up seems so fucking weird and too put together like they are severely epstein people please just tell me how to make this all stop that s all i ask,Depression +40256,a month of stress and anxiety got the better of me last week i quit my job and came close to just packing it in entirely even now a week later anything even remotely stressful push me back into panic mode i m barely sleeping and a i lay awake my mind turn back to wondering why i m even alive,Depression +40257,hi i m a 0 year old boy from italy and recently i ve discovered that i suffer from depression i have a bad job which doesn t pay me a lot my girlfriend broke up with me for no whatever reason and every single day i cry and wish for my death i m trying to stay lucid but i have prepared a bag full of pill around 0 of them in case thing still go wrong i m trying to go forward with everything but i m tired of being a good person and treated like shit yesterday i wrote to another girl you know just for company haven t got a message since then still waiting if thing go wrong i m gon na pull the trigger on my life and go finally away,Depression +40258,so i made a similar post in confession but i guess it belongs here maybe maybe not i don t think anyone really care anyway well when i wa m i ve been tortured by two girl aged around they d wait up for me after school take me to a secluded area and sodomize me when they were finished they would repeatedly kick my private part and punch my stomach when i would cry they said they would not stop until i stopped my cry since then i ve never cried anymore in my life and i wish i could my feeling have faded away and i thought that wa part of becoming an adult i would lay for hour in pain and then come home telling my parent i wa at a friend s this ha been going on for about a year no matter if i took a different route home or tried to run they would do this almost daily i wouldn t tell my parent because they were threatening to kill my dog and family if i did my parent started to distrust me and thought i wa doing bad thing after school since i wouldn t share my friend s name after this i mainly focused on school and avoided most people i ve built up major trust issue and only had a few bad relationship where my trust issue would always ruin thing and while i hate to admit it i hate most woman or my inability to deal with them i had to man up since in my thought this wouldn t happen to a man by some girl my way of being a manly man wa to be strong and not have emotion i have thought a lot about this part of my childhood and always blamed myself for not thinking recently i feel hate towards the person that did this to me one of them died because of drug overdose which to this day make me smile i have made a plan for an accident to happen to this person i have planned out all the detail for this to happen and i wholeheartedly believe she deserves to die right now i am year of age recently been diagnosed with bipolar syndrome and some other anti social disorder i have been depressed for the most part of my life and instead of taking someone s life i ll just end my own thanks for letting me share this i have been embarrassed about it all my life and i ve never felt either manly or adult i could never bring myself to tell anyone,Depression +40259,i plan to commit suicide soon i ve told my bird already i don t think they understand sadly i ve been fighting depression my whole life pretty much i ve tried many time to commit suicide but a i m afraid of pain i didn t go through it thing worsened massively once i lost someone dear to me because of my own action since then i m haunted be it in dream or in reality constantly by them and the result of what i did whilst under psychosis and incredibly suicidal state i began seeking help soon after they left after i realised what i did and it wa really tough at first but i made it for about a year i wish i never met that person it wa a curse i don t really have friend family yes supportive but it doesn t really feel like much i know they d be devastated by my death and so would my bird but every day is the same for me no matter what i try to differentiate and how better it get it s down to the same stuff haunted by those demon that try and make me fall and do what i shouldn t do i ve been told i m meant for great thing but this is all taking forever i m tired of all of this i m tired of living and constantly fighting i just wish to end it all even though it ll mean committing an unforgivable sin edit for the time being i have discarded the thought thank you all for the message and comment,Depression +40260,i feel that i m a mess with no salvation or mercy i want to die to end with this suffering i feel that i made terrible thing just for existing i don t want to hurt anyone anymore guilty of my decision who deserve to die please i just want to die until it get worse please forgive me please forgive my existence i don t want to hurt anyone just for being me or taking wrong desicions my purpose is to be happy but i don t deserve that desire please i want to shot me in the head and end with this i just want peace of mind i can t halle with headache i just want to die quick i just want to die i just want to die i apologize for being me and my action in life i can t life anymore i just want to die so badly and be free in peace i don t want to suffer other people i just want to die,Depression +40261,i ve struggled with suicidal tendency and thought since i wa i m now the thought and action have only worsened with age i can t stop thinking about how the world would be so much better off without me my friend my family my work my partner in every aspect i m contributing nothing and burdening everyone i want so badly to achieve more amp stop being such a burden on everyone but lately it s been seeming damn near impossible to achieve anything worth a damn because i also have an open case against me amp wont pas a background check,Depression +40262,i ve heard this platitude my whole entire life nearly four year ago a teacher looked straight into my eye and told me the same thing i remember telling myself back then that i wa at rock bottom now i can only laugh at that sentiment rock bottom my as it s like i rolled off a cliff and the end is nowhere in sight,Depression +40263,i do not want to wake up tomorrow,Depression +40264,i spent a lot of today thinking about killing myself i made joke about it my friend laughed because i do it all the time but today i really did think about it i miss my ex i want to be happy again but i haven t been able to move past them and i m afraid that i never will if i can t be happy why should i even stay here,Depression +40265,i m not valued in my work at school at home i have never been valued to my friend while one of my closest friend thanks one of my other friend while i feel worthless nobody remembers my birthday no one care about my feeling in real life and i m always the one organizing almost every meet up if i were dead people would mourn for a day and forget about me because i dont matter if i did matter people would hire me more hang out with me and make an effort to be my friend im done with this crap i might do it tonight or tomorrow because this is too much for me i guess i m just god laughing stock,Depression +40266,i finally opened up to someone my mom and told her how bad my mental health had gotten and that i d purchased thing to go through with it her response i don t blame you and would understand if you do and walked out the fuck,Depression +40267,i shouldn t have been born my mother told me she didn t even want to have me amp that my dad raped her amp that s how she got pregnant with me if abortion had been acceptable then there would have been a chance i wa aborted amp never would have had to live such an awful life i have nothing going for me amp i m so mentally ill i ve had such a hard childhood amp my adult life is becoming even more painful all i do all day is complain because there s nothing good in my life amp yes i ve tried making it better my father wa never in my life amp even my mom wasn t i never had a chance it s just too difficult trying amp i don t want to be alive anymore,Depression +40268,i got drugged and had to be resuscitated a little over a week ago i ve been casually suicidal for a while now the sound of my friend cry while giving me cpr is burned into my head forever i dont know if i ever lost my pulse but i wa barely breathing until the emts got to me it s scary that this experience didnt change anything about me when i think about it i laugh not in a laugh to hide the pain kind of way but like i actually had to get chest compression to keep me alive from my best friend and that s just so ridiculous like of course that would happen to me of all people idk it s just weird to me that this traumatic a fuck experience didnt change a thing about my outlook on life,Depression +40269,i just need to get everything in order i guess i have some morphine and a noose in my bag idk just wanted to tell someone i wish they got me help when i wa young and begged for it i don t think i feel guilty or selfish about it it s just how it is spent year knowing this is probably how i d end up idk edit someone to talk to would be great if you re interested dm me,Depression +40270,nothing about this life is good school is shit i quit weed witch wa a dumbass idea everyone in my school suck most of the teacher suck i can t make or maintain friendship my family suck as nothing is good there is no light at the end of the tunnel i ve been waiting for the light my whole life and nothing ha happened all i ll ever be in life is at the bottom forced to live in misery the world is falling apart because precious generation are stupid a shit so even if i do have a future the world will be flooded and on fire there nothing to look forward to i live everyday on auto pilot so why even life anymore if people want me to live then i wouldn t get treated like shit by everyone around me and i wouldn t get treated like a number by my awful school it doesn t matter how many resource they give because they don t care if your not at the top then your just useless to them your just a number,Depression +40271,i wake up and do the same shit everyday at a job that s a coin flip where i have a decent day or not i m just tired from my childhood and how the fucking demon i have just never leave im just so tired and done and burnt man i never hurt or did anything to anyone the fuck are these card i wa dealt all my friend are moving on in life now and i m so fucking stuck i wa at work today and my coworker said oh your mom raised you so well i bet when my mom called me worthless just the previous night to my face i just wan na go this shit is donkey booty fart,Depression +40272,another hungry depressed day who knew living in a shelter wa so fucking expensive lol i now have 0 left to get by i just bought two gallon of water since the tap water is probably dangerous to drink though i m trying an experiment of boiling it first to get out whatever make it weird the last time i posted here i got a bunch of troll pretending to care and then cursing me out lol like imagine being suicidal don t need to i guess lol and then imagine being even more miserable than a suicidal person that you have to extract some kind of emotional feedback from them just to feel better about yourself lmao surprisingly i still pity them more i d rather want to be dead than be an asshole who cant find happiness unless they re causing others pain especially trolling reddits where people are actually seeking help lol the lack of dignity in it like damn my 0 0 ramen and i are poor af but there s still more dignity than those troll i never thought i d say that but here we are why is it that a soon a night time hit all the thought come rushing in this feel like when i wa a kid growing up abused i had given up hope i just got by every day but i wa a shell of the person i wa or could ve been i just floated through the day hoping it wouldn t suck worse i watched a ot of cartoon to escape feel something else other than depression and pain if you allow all the feeling in let yourself feel them what happens in my mind it all go numb but maybe now it just flow or maybe this is me giving up letting it all happen anyways who care i could die here and no one would know lol i wonder if the universe ha forgotten me forsaken me said you re on your own now kid good luck and i m just standing here smiling tear in my eye holding a fucking plant and small suitcase thinking cool that s cool hope i don t kill myself hope this doesn t kill me hope i remember the person i wa trying to become or wa at least she had hope and self love now i look in the mirror and think hope you don t fuck it up kid because i don t know i don t know what else to do i mean why do i expect myself to fuck it up because a little crappy voice in my head say you fuck everything up lol fuck that that s not even my voice it s theirs fucking little narc and sociopath who ever saw their kid turning into a narc and thought let s keep him and not get intervention lol i would yeet that kid out of my life and throw it into a psych ward a if life isn t hard enough there s the scum of the earth running around getting off on other s pain pathetic i m glad they all die alone and miserable i m glad they move through life miserably i m glad they have to work so fucking hard to be happy or experience something resembling happiness before their own action ruin it all i m glad there s still good people in the world y all ever look through human being bros it s chill restores some faith in humanity like at least it s not all shit lolll i don t think anyone see me not anymore i m just a number a victim to exploit a survivor to play with a body to mess with lol they re so fucking depressing these abuser at least i lived,Depression +40273,i m m turning in december and i can t help but feel like my time is quickly running out i ve never been so emotionally distant from my family a i ve had this year and it feel like i m a disappointment to everyone who ha actually cared about me at some point i actually had a sort of future ahead of me but it blew up in my fucking face when i had decided to write a joke essay to the high school i wanted to go to after my mom wouldn t even allow me to go if i wa even accepted the worst part is she doesn t even admit to doing that i don t know what to do anymore i ve always had the feeling of wanting to blow my fucking brain out but i ve never felt it a strong a this why is it that when it come to mental issue for men we are throughly ignored why are you upset why are you depressed you don t have a reason to be depressed you should talk to someone but who is actually listening i m sorry for anyone who actually read this but i ve been in such a terrible mindset the past odd hour i really just need guidance it feel awful to think that inevitably all my family will be gone and i ll be the only one to fend for myself in just a handful of year and somehow in any social circumstance i always end up being the butt end of the joke i don t want to keep doing this for 0 0 something year someone please talk me out of this state if it s even possible to those who read this entire thing i hope you re in a better state than i am,Depression +40274,sorry for any typo im typing on my small phone my mental health ha been doing a downwards spiral into hell i am seriously considering suicide plea someone talk to me,Depression +40275,living is hard every day i try to get up and do better for myself so i can prove to the people that call me an ultimate failure or warn other people that i m no good that i am good and i can be successful but what good is that if in my quiet moment which is a lot my brain eats my heart up sometimes i give into the thought other people have of me what if this what if that what if i wasn t here will this constant pain stop will this ache in my brain and heart disappear or will i be punished by the god i ve prayed to for peace of mind i m sorry for trauma dumping,Depression +40276,i think i have medical problem that will never go away and that if it wasn t for them i could be so much more than i am from personal reflection i m actually really happy with the progress i ve made with myself and in my life since a couple year ago but thing like my anxiety are horrible and if my life will always have it i d rather be dead than continue living not to mention i ve already done most of all my life ha to offer so what s left really amp x 00b i m sorry if this post sound pretentious but i can t find any other post that i can relate to so i ve put it here,Depression +40277,i ve come to the conclusion that i m always going to have to face racism and sexism constantly and that s an awful realisation it honestly make me want to die because why should i live in a world that s full of people who want to hurt me when i don t deserve it i have to work in order to live and unless i suddenly become wealthy and never have to take shit from racist manager then i m done my family life is awful i wa sa d by my sister boyfriend two summer ago and my family s response wa abysmal i went straight to my mum after it happened and called the sister that i love and trust dearly she told me that my mum said what doe she expect if she s staying in their house for free those word have never left me i hear them every time i look at my mum and i m still living with her i m too broke to find a place to live alone and no longer want to work because my racist manager bully me any chance she get everything is really overwhelming me i have 0 friend i used to be such a happy and bubbly person but now no one want to be around me i guess it show how conditional some of those friendship were right i reached out to a friend and told her that i wasn t doing well and neither is she unfortunately she cancelled on me twice and hasn t spoken to me since i feel like she doesn t like me anymore i truly wonder if anyone ever liked me i m naturally very extroverted but my anxiety and depression make me sheepish and untrusting of people i end up shutting down every friendship and i hate that about myself it s so fucking hard to stay afloat i no longer want to have kid with my bf because i don t want my kid to go through racism or me a a mother i realise that my depression and anxiety could be passed down to them but i could also ruin them with how unpredictable my emotion are i don t want them to go through what i went through emotionally honestly i do want to die i understand that there s part of my life i am grateful for but they could leave me at anytime i just want a reset button i don t like how my mind keep ruining everything for me i can t have nice thing,Depression +40278,i know my problem arent a bad and probably much le important and im probably dramatic for feeling this way but please,Depression +40279,it s like at certain time i die while awake mind go completely blank and nobody can wake me from my trance but eventually i come back once i m back i m flooded with emotion after emotion and it s exhausting then im just angry and sad followed by numb once again and cant focus i quit job often even though i need money because i can not function in this society sometimes i wish i could get on disability but everyone tell me im just making excuse and that it cant be a bad a i make it seem i m always wrong never is anything anyone el fault but fucking mine i swear someone could kill me and people will be like oh well you shouldn t have made him mad i ve never attempted suicide because i don t have the ball to actually murder myself i wish someone would do it for me though my whole life i ve never been good enough for anyone and now i m an unemployed year old man watching everyone thrive and be successful while i slowly rot away i used to be so intelligent and motivated not to mention happy a fuck now i physically can not bring myself to do anything that requires even the slightest amount of mental effort without being downright forced to i know this is a lot and probably none of it make sense i m just so fucking stupid and i figured this is a half decent place to ramble because no one give a shit anyway the only thing that give me hope that my life can one day be something great is music i am a very talented rapper with no recognition but not like these regular as people i innovate and i approach the rap game with the respect she deserves i carve my word onto the page with precision and passion because a of the past decade no exaggeration hip hop ha been the savior of my existence,Depression +40280,people say they want my life i don t understand why from the outside i guess having no job and endless time to do thing is great to some people im housebound severe agoraphobia panic attack every time i leave the house severe paranoia about the outside world that i can t overcome i have a great partner and a great housemate who care for me deeply yet im suicidal i just don t know how to live anymore it s like i feel like one of those extra puzzle piece you sometimes get that doesn t fit anywhere and is effectively useless my role is nowhere i can t work or leave the house i have barely any hobby none that interest me for too long anyway all i do is clean organise thing play game watch stuff and browse my phone all day every day my partner love me and i love them spending time with them is the only happiness i get but then i feel guilty because i know eventually ill break their heart because im not going to live much longer i overdosed on morphine in november couple more spoonful and i wouldn t be here anymore i didn t even write a note thing were that bad that i just did it without thinking no more morphine in my possession sadly i fucked up one of the best friendship ive ever had i really screwed it up i miss her every day i check on her instagram story periodically to see if she is doing okay and she is proof life go on without me me and my partner joke that i can t kill myself because i promised that id live to see elder scroll come out just to spite todd howard i don t think i can hold on to living for that long sometimes i think about that saying it get better when ive suffered with depression for nearly 0 year been sexually abused by my ex partner diagnosed with ptsd diagnosed with bpd developed agoraphobia cast out of every job ive had had people threaten to destroy my life over petty drama the list go on and on everyone say all of this stuff is temporary but it add up and it culminates into this you can t see me but im a shrivelled husk of a person my therapist who i started to get on with discharged me a week after my overdose because im too high risk that wa pretty funny what exactly is left for me to see in the world there s beautiful sight great place sure but im not rich haven t travelled out of country for nearly year my agoraphobia is getting worse there s nothing for me out there i had a plan to correct my mistake with overdosing and make sure it succeeds on new year eve because i couldn t stand the thought of being here for another year my partner dragged me through it and i ruined his night suicide is appealing because i don t want to suffer anymore what doe stop me is my partner and the friend i chose to keep i know they d be upset but plan and idea for suicide still flood my brain and i know one day ill be free of all of this pain it doesn t get better it get so much worse day after day ramble ramble,Depression +40281,m three year ago i broke both bone in my right arm and needed surgery they screwed in a metal plate between both bone to keep everything together well yesterday i fell during gym class braced myself for the fall and ended up fracturing my ulnar went in to the doctor and got an x ray that showed the fracture wa right on one of the screw now i have to see the surgeon from year ago to see what he say what do i do im so done with this mess i can t take it much longer i really want to km,Depression +40282,i hate so much of my life i love being at school with my friend but i have to come home every fucking day i have to wake up to these fucking asshole everyday my older brother is fucking insane on good day he is simply the most annoying little shit that won t shut the fuck up and stop talking to me on bad day he just argues and scream and throw thing and take out his anger out on whoever is closest mostly me bc we share a room my perants are nice but my dad transphobic and i want to tell him that i want to transition but i m afraid he wont see me the same or love me my younger sister is the only thing keeping me here i love her she s so understanding and sweet i don t want to hurt her by dying but i can t stand living anymore,Depression +40283,i m done i m tired of fighting i want to rest now,Depression +40284,i know i m just a burden to everyone around me i hate myself people have told me i m mean after i m really fucking trying to be a good person every partner i ve had i ve hurt at least once the worst part is that i am not doing this consciously i m just naturally an asshole i thought i needed therapy i have it i thought i needed a new job i have it maybe pill done then i wa convinced it wa smoking too much weed so i ve quit for a month now started exercising eating better i have my own house and cat and literally nothing help it only make it worse because i have le and le of an excuse to be a burden to those around me if i kill myself i can leave everyone all my possession and spare them the pain and burden i d cause them in the future i have a plan so no one will have to see my body but the cop and literally everyone would be better off why the fuck should i not do it,Depression +40285,i have two younger brother and they mean everything to me they ve come to an age where they can take care of themselves my excuse for not hurting myself wa them but now they started to grow distant and honestly every single piece of my life ha fallen apart even my mind feel torn a i realized i m becoming crazy i m having lot of harmful thought towards others i really don t want to harm anyone and i rather end my life before i do any harm but i don t want my suicide to make my brother fall into depression a i did i have 0 motif to be alive i do not like this world i do not like most of it s people everyone betrayed me and there s no one that give a shit about me anymore besides my brother i feel like i really have to do it i know i have to i just lack the ball this might be the cruelest thing to say in this reddit but i admire the courage of those that did suicide it s not easy and it s not the coward way the coward way is probably to keep living a i am this ha to stop,Depression +40286,my last day i will pick a sunny day wake up and put on some of my best summer attire go get food from a good restaurant i would like a good last meal to be honest then i will go and xplore some place i have become fond of and reminisce of the few n far between happy day of my childhood and other time i might add to this later if i can find stuff i think is worth doing then for the night i have a nice bottle of whisky and some benzos i plan on consuming whilst listen to my favourite music i will try to enjoy a much time a possible between then and now i have a rope that is ready noosed and just need hooked up to a nice tree i have already sadly picked out one that is high enough but easy to climb then whilst i listen to music feeling chill and tranquil a the pill start to take effect i will sit in said tree with noose around my neck phone emergency service tell them where my body will be located then i will fall and asphyxiate myself in to the abyss i look forward to that day sorry for rambling i am terrible and language in general wish you all peace because i will find mine eventually,Depression +40287,i have a couple friend but the girl i love doesn t love me back any more i think she might be seeing someone else i want to kill myself,Depression +40288,i just don t know how to,Depression +40289,how do i make it in life when i know everything i literally know everything when it come to human nature you see i m a very observant person and i dislike human but i m a human and have human nature in me so wtf do i do guy who are taller with bigger dick get the girl while you re just here with nothing you see i want to not give a fuck about chick but what do i do you see i m with inch i m so insecure that i injured my dick jelqing wa and now but plz don t try you probably get hurt i m still little hurt but it doesn t bother me luckily i m healed not fully but it s doesn t bother me much just a slight feeling that you learn to ignore you see what i mean i m fucked up i see everything i ve been in many people shoe the best basketball player the tallest in school and when i wa younger short and chubby with nobody liking me but i feel a though i m still not enough because they re guy with more than me and since girl only like me because i m with inch she s gon na like the guy 9 with 9inches more than me then the guy foot with 0 inch all i m saying is life fucking suck as it all off of appearance you see i m good looking you might say well don t you have a girl friend that s the problem i can t even find a girl i could have in the past and i should have but i wa too fucking stupid to take advantage of life when you re too busy thinking of all the bullshit in the world and how everybody is fake i feel a though people only like me for certain thing and since they re people in the world who have more than me i will never be able to win this race it s like everything is off of appearance you can t choose what you re born like you can t choose your family you can t choose anything physical appearance in life it s like a video game we all player and are selected random character you try to detach yourself a a human being but you d ant escape human instinct i ve tried and keep trying why can t i ever come to a point where vagina doesn t matter money or competing i used to be real and tell myself that all the time when i wa younger but a you grow older and see the truth of this reality it s a very sad one it s like when you get told santa wasn t real except it s with life everything you thought a a youngin turnt out to not be what it seemed it s like i m a alien observing everyone s else action and re action wa a good kid but all the sudden i grow older and a demon is in me porn is partially start of my demon then social medium is also traumatic everybody is dirt is this game we call life shittiest virtual reality ever i m just tired of competing but when i dont complete they laugh like i m a bum and lazy how can i try when i dont wan na play this ficking game,Depression +40290,snapchat layla kuz,Depression +40291,my gf ha several psychiatric condition including bpd ptsd and others and ultimately she say that she hate me and everyone around her for neglecting her and not helping this isn t entirely false a i have a few thing i m working on for myself but she undoubtedly ha it much worse she s been staying with me but primarily life with her parent a she can t be without her childhood home i m worried that me being around her is just making u co dependent or that my lack of real experience in psychology is making thing worse how do i know when i really am just making the situation worse by staying i am trying to improve and be a better support system for her but i m not improving fast enough problem is i m worried that if i leave her then she ll certainly have no real support even from her parent i realize it might be subjective but what are some thing to look out for,Depression +40292,i dont even know were to start i hope this reach the right people ive been suicidal all my life with shit ton trauma built on to it and a recent sa ive just been good at hiding it i feel a i dont have anyone to talk to about how i feel or have someone truly love and care for me rhe way i need it i need someone to hold me at night and tell me everything is gon na be okay i need reassurance constantly i need to be able to talk to someone and feel like they are listening giving advice or what they can do ive felt that if i die tomorrow it is what it is i didn t even think i d make it to 9 yr im gon na be 0 in month and god if i make it i d be shocked,Depression +40293,i have come to the conclusion that i am just not suited for life no matter how hard i try i don t seem to be able to accomplish anything meaningful or be able to derive joy out of anything i wa given nice parent and a privileged upbringing but the extreme depression that rule my life is overwhelming and i really can not take it anymore i have an easy life and i still can t manage to get it right i started to feel worthless ever since i wa a teenager i had a hard fitting in with group of people i felt extremely shy and i saw that my best friend at the time could effortlessly blend in and have many friend it completely baffled me and it wa the first time that i started telling myself over and over i am not pretty i have no talent i am not smart i am worthless year old me cried myself to sleep convinced that people just simply didn t like me i could never quite figure out what wa defective in me everywhere i went i felt extremely awkward and felt in high school i started to feel immense academic pressure i saw that my classmate were very high achieving i didn t even want to think about my future and i spent much of my time last minute studying and playing video game instead of planning anything for my future i ended up not getting into college that i wanted to while my friend and classmate were accepted i accepted that i wa a failure compared to everyone in my high school a socially awkward talentless ugly failure i went to university i am now doing a master with an internship i graduated with summa cum laude for my undergraduate i wa still constantly cry and contemplating the worth of my pathetic life still i wa able to appear smart in front of my classmate i took up a research internship a well where i wa again told that i wa smart and had a lot of potential and other b but aside from school i didn t have much of a life any friend i made in uni have long been lost because people don t like being around a depressed person i wa made out to be toxic so that alone should tell you enough how awful it is to be around me i went to therapy it didn t do much i took medication it doesn t do much i have now entered my master program and i am being told by my supervisor that she ha serious doubt a to whether i will pas everyone else is enjoying their time in their study while i have to struggle so hard just to be told that i m not even good enough to get a passing grade i also struggle extremely badly with body dysmorphic disorder i have a pear shaped body no matter how much i exercise my leg just stay very bulky and thick i lost a lot of weight in my last year of my undergraduate study it wa partly because i hated my body but above all it wa because i hated my life so much that i wanted to make it visible by appearing sickly thin i continued to lose weight until i wa underweight only then do my leg appear normal i continued to follow disgusting anorexic eating pattern during my study it wa so damn hard to study while having to be pre occupied with food and having to only eat calorie in order to not gain weight somehow i passed all my damn exam after this year i admitted to my parent that i had an eating disorder although at this point it wa kind of evident i went home to take a gap year for the sake of my mental health during my gap year i sought professional treatment and of course i gained a ton of weight i wa so sick of living with severe depression and anorexia it wa near traumatic to see my body change so much in a short amount of time i felt extremely defective for gaining so much weight i can t believe my parent thought it would be a good idea for me to recover at home instead of at a ed treatment center because my emotional volatility were simply insane but i became physically healthy and i wa eating lot of good food i even got a part time job during my gap year to convince myself that i wa at least semi functional unfortunately a is the case with my pear shaped body living at a normal weight entail lot and lot of misery i can never wear skinny jean because my leg are ugly i can t stand the cellulite and belly fat that accompanies my healthy body i wa handed bad genetics in term of body build my body alone take away my will to live after my gap year i continued onto my master i started to lose some weight just because i slept through some snack and meal from fatigue and then i knew that i could never gain that weight back i started to take up lot of exercising to create more room for extra food the vast majority of my classmate are thin people being bigger than everyone is extremely triggering for me everyday i wake up and think about what i m going to eat then i think about how big my leg are then i think about how much thinner and smarter and classmate are then i see all the thin people around me then i think about what i m going to eat next then i think about how i m going to fit a jog or a boxing class into my busy schedule then maybe i will think about school and such then i go to sleep and repeat it all again i even lost my damn period again it s maddening because i am not even a thin person and yet my body think that being slightly thinner mean that i m necessarily dying i have such a dumb body now here i am doing an internship for school and i am failing very badly it s not in my native language and i haven t known the language for very long so it cost me twice the cognitive energy to follow everything apparently taking exam go smoothly but the minute i have to be in a practical setting i turn into a complete idiot i don t have the extra energy to put in the effort because most of my dumb thought are just my leg are fat her leg are thin she is lucky i have to worry about weight lunch is when jogging when extra squat when what s for dinner etc now i m constantly being told that i m not performing well and they can t tell if it s because of a language barrier or if i genuinely don t understand what is going on everyone else is doing just fine and they say that you have to be pretty stupid to fail at this internship well guess who s going to be that idiot who can t pas looking back at my life i just see failure and mediocracy and just a lot of sadness a i said earlier my body alone take away my will to live but in order to be able to function in school and work you need to stay relatively healthy but seeing a my life is just filled with social isolation inferiority complex and still lot of depression there is just simply no way that my life is worth it living in this healthy body make me extremely sad and the life that i would otherwise have without an ed is just not worth it it doesn t justify the effort i put into recovery and the effort i put in with learning to accept my body seeing a my life is just consisting of studying feeling stupid feeling incompetent cry exercising restrictive eating hunger fatigue and more cry i just wonder how the hell everyone else is just out here living a normal life without any mental illness people like my classmate are really out here acing their exam acing their internship having a life having lot of friend having a relationship having fun and leading overall fulfilling life i don t understand it all i know is that my life wa just one big mistake i just really need a good plan on how to end myself i find it disappointing how finding a simple method with a high success rate just isn t very easy i have four more week in my internship i just plan to go through it get an insufficient grade and then end it all but ugh mom and dad would be so sad it s already bad enough that i tell them that i hate living and wish that i could disappear they try so hard to convince me that i m smart and can accomplish anything i want like i m in a disney movie they constantly try to convince me that i will find happiness in my life and that i m just in a low state of my life and that they will always be there and try to find further help for me but i m i ve been feeling this way for over a decade damn near half my dumb existence i feel like my soul died the minute i hit puberty i didn t experience anything traumatic i wa just dealt a bad hand in genetics i m freaking exhausted nothing would be better than closing my eye and never waking up again,Depression +40294,people say that god only test u not more than we can handle but it is a bunch of lie perhaps he doesn t exist at least in my heart no matter what i do i always fails at everything even trying to die seems hard enough i can t just live happily like it is wrong and worse i tried to kill myself so many time that no matter what i always unknowingly and unintentionally cheated death at this point i ve just had enough,Depression +40295,in like hour lol i m a failure i m bad at everything and all i do is waste my parent money i cause them amount of stress they will be sad when i die but it will be for the better i can t keep watching them suffer because of me my brother is going to be super sad which make me sad but hopefully he can understand when he grows up i plan to jump from my terrace hopefully it s high enough there is grass below tho i hope that doesn t stop me from dying cause it will be real embarrassing if i don t die failed at everything including suicide have a great day to whoever read this edit guy thank you for your reply i decided to actually talk to my parent and sort everything out i will not be killing myself for the time being i really appreciate everyone here thank you may god bless all of you,Depression +40296,over the last year my life ha completely fallen apart i grew up happy a ever with a very well off family a brother i got along with friend i hung out with all the time then my baby sister died out of nowhere shortly after my parent said they were getting a divorce after having a loving caring family my entire life in the span of just a month everything flipped upside down i don t have a family outside of my mother and baby brother anymore and my mother ha robbed the house of peace by becoming fixated on an emotionally abusive boyfriend my entire life wa destroyed and it s only gotten worse year into the divorce my best friend died all of my other friend and friend group i wa in slowly just forgot about me due to depression and anxiety from everything i had going on making me become incredibly introverted and just not fun to be around anymore he wa the only person i had that i could talk to besides my girlfriend who i put through hell because of how much i hated myself and my situation and now he wa gone shortly after his death her and i broke up and i deserved it i wasn t abusive but i wasn t a good boyfriend i never wanted to go anywhere or do anything i stopped wanting sex and intimacy because i didn t think i deserved those thing the divorce ha only gotten worse over the year and after year of stress and anxiety being a constant my health ha now started to decline i ve lost my toned body i ve lost my nice smile i ve lost my sense of fashion i ve given up entirely on trying to form new relationship or make new friend because i know that i just don t have what it take to foster deep relationship anymore i ve seen a therapist about this and she said she belief it s because of my family and my best friend and that now my brain correlate love with loss which prevents me from getting attached to people or make me act in way to push others away before they can get attached to me with my health issue getting worse due to the constant stress i m now out of work on medical leave i sit in my room every day just watching youtube not talking to a single soul and no one talking to me i truly believe that my life ha reached a point where it just isn t worth living anymore besides my mother and baby brother i don t believe there is a single person that would even notice especially if i made it look like an accident with all the free time i now have i ve been reading a lot about spirituality and i ve stumbled across the plausibility of reincarnation the idea of death being the entry to a new life with life being a series of goal to fulfill a purpose from each life to the next it s been very difficult for me to try and think of any purpose my life ha at this point i m debilitatingly lonely i ve stopped caring about anything i ve become very cynical and i m letting thing that should be important to a person just waste away like just ceasing to pay my car bill because i no longer care if it get repossessed the idea of even the possibility of being able to start again since truly no one ha any idea what happens when you die is more appealing to me than continuing to live i m now and my life is going absolutely nowhere and i don t know what else to do i have no support system i have no one but myself and i hate myself more than anyone else the worst kind of lonely is when you aren t even there for yourself and that s where i m at now i ve always thought of myself a a great person i consistently go out of my way to help others even now if someone reach out to me for something i don t hesitate but i just can t get anyone to stick around not even my own father give a shit about me anymore i used to think the world wa just fucked up and bad thing happen to good people but it s becoming more and more evident a i witness the relationship other people have the family other people have the friend other people have that that theory just doesn t add up the more likely possibility is that i myself am the issue i m the problem and i ve come to that realization now the idea that death might not be the end but a new beginning is very appealing to me like to think ha anyone else thought about these concept ha anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and thought about what come after death and whether it s worth it just curious and looking for some input thank you,Depression +40297,when i tried to km the second time what stopped me wa a terror unlike anything i have felt before i ve been planning an overdose for a while now and just planning it out ha brought that feeling right back to me i feel butterfly in my stomach and my heart racing and i know if i were to grab my med crush them up and went to take them i wouldn t be able to fight this terror i ve been told before that that just mean that somewhere deep inside you you want to live but i disagree this feel like basic primal instinct it s so hard to just say do x and then all of your perception will end that s not something you can just do yet people have i want to do this but i don t know how to prepare for this terror i remember when i backed out of my second attempt i kept on saying to myself nothing can prepare you for that i can plan and prepare all i want but taking an action that self destructive is incredibly difficult especially when you have a realistic fear of not dying and being left severely injured i m terrified and i don t know what to do anymore it seems like the best option but it s so cruel that it just ha to be so difficult dying shouldn t be too much to ask for yet absolutely everything fight against you i hate this so incredibly much this is hell,Depression +40298,my parent are incredibly strict i literally can not do shit all the kid have a meal plan that they must follow or else cant have anything other than the bare minimum in our room no going out with friend or really even having friend in the first place no getting a job or having money for any reason constant room search last week my room wa searched while i wa at school and my dad found my journal where i wrote that i wa gay he outed me to my entire family my dad started blowing up about how i never tell him anything and how selfish i am for keeping it to myself all i ever am is selfish being suicidal selfish you re ruining my dinner i wish i could get a gun in this country so i could blow my brain out in front of them im so fucking done with everything,Depression +40299,they are not bad people though it my fault they ignore me school drive me crazy and i think ill never be really comfortable with the way life is i dont want to die but i really dont want to live,Depression +40300,why do i have to put up with this b i didn t ask for i ve been planning to kill myself for a long time and i think i ve reached my breaking point no one actually genuinely like me everyone pick on me but i m the sensitive one when i confront them it s always me i ve watched my older si have a nearly perfect life and helped her through all her struggle what did i do to deserve this wa i freaking hitler in a past life i can t cry anymore so i have no emotional outlet for my feeling everyone i ever talk to run away or blame me for my problem and i recently lost a very important friendship because i opened up to her i am just really tired of life and no one would miss me anyways i thought i wa strong but i guess i m not if you read this i appreciate it,Depression +40301,my biggest wish is for my family to allow me to end it all i want them to understand the pain and suffering i m going through the constant daily battle that make it so hard to live i want them to be prepared i just want to disappear from life and hurt the least amount of people,Depression +40302,i ve turned this into my blog took it over people depend on me to be alive to function to live yet i hate this planet and pedophile politics religion racism and rapist and they are all allowed to live amongst u why because this god people belive in is cruel in the story book he gave up his son for u yet who ha god to either way i would like to ask him before i go to hell or reborn in this earth to relive this life in a different form my favorite part of the day is when i lay my head down and hope not to wake up the worst part of my day is waking up,Depression +40303,what will happen if i take more than pill of acetaminophen at once,Depression +40304,we all know im too much of a pussy to kill myself but fucking hell i want to i want to jump off the bridge near my home being killed by someone would be even better sometimes i imagine myself sending people my goodbye message and killing myself out in the wood there s a tree i stare at every single time i pas it with a perfect horizontal branch this fucking close to buying a noose and just doing it and the worst part is if anyone who knew me irl read this they d think i m joking and that it s stupid but there is nothing i want more than death right now,Depression +40305,i am so unsatisfied with life no aspect of life is of any enjoyment to me the thought of getting a job working 9 every day of the week sleeping on the weekend because i m too tired slowly building up money to maybe have a vacation once a year for only a week and then going back into the grind continuing this a my body break down with age and eventually dying with nothing in my hand just sound like actual hell i have a girlfriend who want to marry me and have kid but i genuinely don t believe that i could give my kid or her a good life i doubt i could support a family financially because i have no money and can t afford a good education past high school i doubt i would be able to be a good father due to having to come home from a grind at work everyday too tired to play with them or properly parent and too tired on the weekend to do either why can t life be different i have no plan of suicide but holy fuck this world make me want to,Depression +40306,i never thought i would feel this way at this point i m in between two different stage of life and the stress of it is making me want to kill myself i m a senior in high school and life is so hard right now and i don t know if i m being dramatic ive been suicidal before but i don t think i am now just because i know i have a big turning point in front of me in the fall when i go to college which give me hope but i fear i m putting too much weight on this if i don t like college i am scared i will kill myself because it s all that s keeping me going i used to want to kill myself when i wa i know what it feel like but that s not what this is i just can t keep going it get s harder every day i still have two month until graduation and i am scared out of my mind it is so stressful to have so many duty every day school work college decision scholarship i have to pay 00 in car expense which is like two week paycheck thrown away it feel like i do so much just for the little ounce of freedom i get on one day of the weekend or for maybe an hour after school i can t keep going like this but i have to i feel like i m wasting such an important time in my life but i can t change it i want to end it just to avoid the pain of trekking through it because sometimes i can t even see myself waking up tomorrow and doing it all again i am so scared of disappointed everyone every time i let my mom down i just want to die so bad i feel so useless i can t control myself when i m given decision i can t make them i hate the thought that i have complete control over myself because it give the blame of who ive become extremely burnt out flaky to friend and work used to be extroverted but now im so quiet to me and me only,Depression +40307,i will be 0 then and most probably still lonely af what even is the point i make a shit ton of money at work have hobby but still can t find someone else to share the life with it s pointless what am i even struggling for much better to just fuckin off myself,Depression +40308,life in sc i have been struggling financially for year and faced homelessness on and off i can t do this anymore i m not mentally or emotionally stable at all i fucked up by quitting my last job week ago because i wa committed to ending my life since i had to pay a 00 bill for accidentally causing damage in my apartment luckily my partner who life faraway helped me out and covered it for me for the longest my life been going downhill i have no family to turn to because i m distant from most of them including my own mother because they re toxic or they would never pick up the phone at all my older sister is the only one i talk with but not really at all i have no friend at all the only people i really have is my partner and my older sister sometimes and they ve been helping me through my situation i feel like a complete burden to them i temporarily lived at my cousin s house and experienced verbal physical abuse and destruction of my belonging from his wife then wa kicked out after a couple of month she kicked me out the house every other week because i wa short on my portion of the rent or out of pure pettiness i been homeless either out on the street park area or living in my car from time to time then i wa ultimately kicked out after she randomly decided she doesn t want to see me again even though i paid for my portion of the rent i did managed to get an apartment on short notice with the help of my partner but i had trouble paying for my bill i had different job and the pay wasn t good at all on top of that they were cutting my hour a lot i barely make it to paying my rent multiple time and i wa hit with a late fee every time i ve been attempting to kill myself many time because i m so tired and stressed out with this uphill battle nothing ever work out in my favor i can t do anything right at all i ve been going day without eating having water or electricity because i m way behind on bill and being broke barely have gas to get to the job i had i tried applying for different assistant program but i only get denied or never hear back from them same thing with applying for job online and in person either they re not hiring never called or i have to wait awhile i sold nude and foot pic before but i couldn t get client who s willing to pay i know some of my problem are because of my own irresponsibility i can never catch a break at all i just can t act get right no matter how hard i try i m always stuck,Depression +40309,i m so tired of existing i have to believe the lie people tell me if i want to be happier in this world that it s not all falling apart that trying hard will get me anything will reward me that people love me it s so much nonsense the only people in my life can t fucking stand me everyone else is at best mildly interested in me from afar and once they get to know me they want nothing more to do with me i m fucking useless and worthless and anyone who s ever told me otherwise want me to suffer what do they see in me i have achieved nothing i am nothing nothing but a corpse too stubborn to start rotting but fully entirely dead,Depression +40310,i have decided to just end my life i ve been dealing with the pain for too long weirdly enough i m not extremely upset but rather calm i m excited that i ll soon be able to die i don t even care about my life anymore and tbh it s great that i feel numb to it all i m not even cry about it i just want the pain to go away and now i ll be able to get rid of the pain i ve just been dealing with anxiety and depression i m ready to go heck it ll be cool to die on my birthday haha,Depression +40311,lying manipulating aunt taking advantage of my mom forcing my parent apart stealing money stealing clothes for year and counting i couldn t take it my school grade dropped covid hit couldn t muster up the courage to talk to friend had a drive through high school graduation barely graduated at all no uni plan working at a dollar store just floating on with no motivation or will my sister almost suicided but had the courage to talk about it i attempted more time than i can count but couldn t talk about it the closest to death wa when i wa bleeding so much from my neck i dyed the knife and clothes i wa wearing i tried talking about everything but the attempt but those that know stopped talking to me unless i try first wouldn t it be better if i off myself and get it over with it s not like it matter nothing doe another person will just grow up and fill my spot in society life doesn t matter all life is only equal cause it s equally worthless everything is worthless but the few friend that did help me would hurt but it s better to get it over with like a bandaid instead of make them watch me suffer nothing is going my way i m constantly cry myself to sleep i ve been called wise but it s just watered down suicidal thought coming up in normal conversation religion helped for a bit but it s just more rule on how to live i need help but i don t have the will to do anything i just need someone to comfort me i try hugging myself but it just reminds of how lonely i am every time i try reaching out it just end with a passive one word reply we haven t talked in so long how ve you been doing good just cut me off if you don t like talking to me quit playing these mind game and say it to my face i m seriously messed up am i messed up or is everyone else messed up but that s what s socially acceptable no matter how much i hate the world my mind always try to justify thing or see thing from they re point of view even if it s a blatantly bad thing are my friend bad or am i bad i don t know i just feel sad or numb but cover it with a smile so if i can make a difference in someone s life it s a positive one unlike mine i feel like such an attention seeker by talking about what i m going through maybe being anonymous like this is what s letting me write this it s am again so goodnight we ll see if it s the last time i say that or not,Depression +40312,i just want a hug right now i pissed my gf off and i just want to know that i m forgiven or at least told it s ok,Depression +40313,just a disclaimer but i love my parent and i love my family a lot i ve been super spoiled when i wa younger and i m glad i wa born in my family in no way is this vent ragging on them or supposed to highlight them a bad people idk what the main topic of this is just a vent bc i got my card like a week ago and i feel horrible i m planning on offing myself before the next school year start im planning on doing everything ive wanted and never done before then go out with a bang be useful for once in my life then leave while the satisfaction is still fresh and before i make another mistake truthfully in the past two year i ve tried multiple time but stopped at the very last second i m not struggling a bad a everyone else so why do i feel so miserable everyone else ha become better now so why not me i ve just gotten lazier and lazier and basically just lost all of my will to do anything right now i m a a child i wa pretty much one of those kid who were constantly pressured to be in first place join competition win in basically anything many time i wa pressured to do thing i didn t want and hand in hand with that i couldn t really do most of the thing i liked too an example of the thing i had to do wa public speaking and basically announcing stuff in front of a crowd i already had stage fright then but it ended up getting worse and became overall anxiety after i humiliated myself multiple time on stage forgetting what to say stuttering etc i knew many people who could do it better but no matter how much i disliked it i guess i had no choice after that my voice became quieter i became passive i didn t raise my hand unless i wa called everytime i wa in front of people i basically just shut down when i wa younger i wa a lot more extroverted the older i became the smaller my confidence fell when i reached th grade i became really paranoid and felt all my worth wa tied to being smart and even now i still can t break away from thinking that way basically my self esteem is now in the gutter maybe even in hell at this point but the difference is just that i don t really care anymore i constantly felt the need to be a role model felt that enjoying thing would make me le of one while the rest of my class bonded with each other went on outing etc i wa so stuck up that i never went with them i wa very rule abiding after all that wa the only thing i ve ever known i remember the first time i got second place my mom is a super nice person to be honest but that time she told me i wasn t trying hard enough really hurt me so much i also used to be a really moody child there wa a time i overhead my mom say that it would be my fault if she died from stress it proved even more to me that my only redeeming factor wa that my grade were high i had the personality of a dog turd i had no talent i wasnt social honestly i wa bad kid there s really no excuse i never got violent with people in fact my sibling were the one who bullied and teased me in a very mild way though just temper tantrum i just wish they sent me to therapy instead of constantly insulting me i didn t even know how to get better i didn t know how to control myself from being angry how could a year old understand that sort of thing i asked them how i could make it stop they told me to just stop being mad i don t know why it affected me so badly now but i feel like the stuff i subconciously learned back then i can t really unlearn that easy anymore even if i don t believe in them anymore i realize i ve never really had dream i wa just going to do what my mom wanted me to do i d get a job be rich and just work and exist i guess deep inside i knew i d never be good enough for that sort of thing i just engrained it in myself that im just an average person maybe even lower and that whenever someone say im smart theyre just giving me empty praise i wouldn t say that the thing that happened to me were extreme not at all but now here i am zero motivation to do anything at all useless and more of a burden than ever before i ve been failing for two year i can t keep up with anyone i don t understand the basic i m always distracted it been two year i still can t do a damn thing the only thing i can do is draw even then it take so much of my time that i can barely do it i have so many thing i want do and learn now but i guess school is in my way again this time i suck at it even harder im always distracted i cant muster any strength or will to study or answer question to make it worse i may have adhd but i dont want to self dx it just that since day people have constantly pointed out my carelessness my voice with an uncontrollable volume etc i cant wake up on alarm i cant follow routine i cant follow timer im really forgetful im distracted and i dont know how to make it stop it horrible i dont know if im just being lazy and trying to excuse it i dont know everytime my mom see my report card i can feel her disappointment i m scared of even looking at her face i dont know why shes trying so hard to keep me alive my parent fought because of me before my mom is already too tired i dont want her to waste any more of her energy on me there just no point before the pandemic i wa still functioning properly hell i even got into the honor list and there were only a few of u now i pas everything late play game all day and slack off incompletes failing grade all of that the first time i remember wanting to pas away to say the least wa when i wa in first grade it wa a weird memory i dont know what prompted me but i gave a paper to my friend and asked her if she d ever thought of dying i remember thinking id never grow past 0 when i wa younger it wa weird but i could never imagine myself a an adult maybe this wa why i thought it wa just that i d pas away because of bad health or some accident i never really cared ive been a burden since day one guess i still am i dont know why i wrote this i guess i just felt horrible thanks for reading i appreciate it sorry for the messiness i wrote along a i thought stuff,Depression +40314,let me start by saying i am in the same boat a all of you i wish i could help you all but i can t sadly about me when i wa 9 something clicked and i started to view the world a a negative place the realization of not being able to form genuine friendship my friend dying and my father not really being there for u this sent me into a depression which i am still in today i won t lie i think about suicide quite often but i control myself by distracting myself with other activity instead of letting the thought get to me all they are are thought and they have become a coping mechanism i have gone through a few therapist and psychiatrist too although i stopped my ssri and adhd med when i wa i then became quite angry knowing there is no escape the day blended together day after day rotting away i became angry with myself and others and became very angry at others and closed minded in no way am i telling you to do anything i wa in a funk this winter and a friend of mine happened to have a gel tab of lsd and i asked to buy it later that night i took it and hopped on discord with a good friend of mine who also ha some of the same stuff going on a me and ha done mushroom so we relate well it wa unexplained the most beautiful feeling i have ever felt to explain it for someone who hasn t done psychedelics it the feeling that you are part of a bigger picture and that every moment ha lead up to this you are loved i am you and you are me i am still having a hard time putting it into word i laughed the hardest i had ever laughed and then realized what life is and started to get in my feeling and cry i cried for a while and hard too and then i thought the situation wa funny and started laughing again because i know wherever i end up i will make it and that life is such a beautiful thing not to be wasted or taken for granted i then went on to trip more time on lsd and twice on mushroom i am not saying go do psychedelics but for me they have done more than ssri ever did for me in the course of a night the feeling of having a clear place in the universe and being able to question with such a reduced sense of fear is amazing the feeling of going with the flow and seeing where life take you is a liberating feeling we were put here to love one another not kill ourselves and waste potential here are my final thought do your research before doing any psychedelic because if you take ssri it could mess you up real bad also i truly believe psychedelics are the way of the way of the future i still have depression yet it is a lot easier to cope with and feel a sense of calmness instead of absolute terror about whatever you are facing know that whatever is bringing you down i love you and the universe doe too you were put here to serve a a part of a much bigger picture just a small piece of a puzzle learn to love yourselves and others and peace will come to you in all aspect of life,Depression +40315,idk why life is like this i put in so much time and hour into working and working and escaping from fcking situation venezuela economy is so destroyed that i left to per only to treated like a second class person and given a cold shoulder whenever i got into a job i didn t care i keep going and i got myself into collegue working hr day for month on fish i literally would go to class with my fishing boot because i wouldnt have time in my shift to chance and right now i m just sad the pandemic made me loss everything again i havent eaten anything in day i m short a 00 buck on rent i still havent graduated i have tried nobody want to hire an inmigrant nobody want to rent his apartment to an inmigrant even this place i m renting rn is more expensive for the mere fact that i wa not born here i just want rest some freedom not waking up and be uncertain if i m gon na have food that day or not i m feeling relaxed if i actually think about it my mom would be the only person sad about it which is the only reason i still havent done it i m literally right here with a blade on a hand just thinking about my mom and damn doe it hurt,Depression +40316,my plan to have my eternal rest is starting to de rail starting today it frustrating that it is starting to de rail this late in the plan however i guess nothing go according to the plan even my back up plan are starting to de rail too i just want to have my eternal rest but why is the world too unfair that i feel like it keep saying that i should suffer more than what i have experienced,Depression +40317,it s been over two year since i had a real suicidal drive and made a plan to kill myself it is coming back i file like at the drop of a hat the most important person in my life my great and sweet girlfriend might not care about me anymore she know she ha to go to therapy to manage her strong emotion and to sort out many thing inside of her but every time we re close to getting help she back down it s been really hard on me i feel really worthless i feel like the only way to help is to stop being a nuisance the feeling of dread and misery is returning and it s tough i know this is fucking stupid and minor anyone active here and reading this probably ha real problem and maybe i should go vent somewhere else but i m just scared that the thought are coming back that those scary dark thought are actually back in my head,Depression +40318,people in the past day have told me i m not doing enough i m not good enough i m trying my best if my best is causing me so much stress and pain what s the point of living i m nothing after all therapy doesn t help because i m far too socially anxious for it and i can t get medication because i can t go to therapy every reliever or thing that make me happy either doesn t anymore or i don t have time for i can t fucking doing it anymore,Depression +40319,put aside the weightless platitude that everyone say when someone mention suicide i want to know why me considering suicide a a genuine solution is so wrong why wouldn t i want a solution garunteed to work would you rather me live a long miserable life or have me logically decide that i ve had enough and have no more use here help me understand the logic what is so wrong about it this a question that ha continually plagued me so i would appreciate answer,Depression +40320,i ve thought of ending my life so many time but i never end up doing it i just wish there wa a peaceful purposeful way to go out that would be a benefit to others but i suppose life isn t that kind so the next best thing is to donate a body to science right or i hope so ive been thinking that it would benefit my mother with financial trouble she said i m just getting in the way so i think insurance should give her some money i think right now that s my only plausible solution but i just am too chicken,Depression +40321,recently me and my boyfriend had issue that have been accumulating come to a head for a week i wasn t sure if he wa going to leave because of them and for a week i tried to decide what i wa going to do if he did everything is fine now thankfully we talked and we re working on our issue the main one being that he need my help to open up emotionally so he doesn t bottle them up the reason his flight instinct kicked in and he almost broke it off wa because i had stopped checking in on him and thus he thought that meant i didn t want to know i know this sound odd but this is what he told me in actuality i did want to know we just got to the point that i thought he d just tell me i wa wrong this is going exactly the way you think it is during that week i decided that if he left me i wa going to end my life at the time i didn t know that him bottling thing up wa the reason he wa talking about a lot of other thing namely my increased anxiety and me not coping well with it on my own he said i wa overloading him which i understand he also said that i seemed more angry with him over time and more anxious and that that made him feel badly about himself i didn t know any of this i thought he would tell me i ve had a traumatic life spent year feeling unloved by my family lived in a home where i wa unwelcome accumulated five mental disorder and last year wa committed for suicidality i spend the majority of my time trying to be a good of a person a i possibly can and i wa doing that with him a well and i failed obviously i came to the conclusion that if he decided that the issue we had were too fundamental to who i am and therefore unfixable that he wa probably right i spent the last few day of that week planning my death decidng what my note would look like of which there would be many one for each member of my family and for the first time actually wanted to die when i wa committed before i wa delusional i didn t want to die i thought that i had to to end the suffering this time i just didn t want to go on i figured i had given it my best shot and now the only way i could be of any use wa to leave my loved one alone and write them letter to soothe their grief and i knew some would be sad some would be angry but i just couldn t do it anymore and now he s saying these issue are fixable that he love me and want to stay that he still see good in me but now i feel confused i wa expecting to die this week i expected him to end it today or over the weekend and that didn t happen emotionally i am a wreck and neither he nor anyone else know i didn t tell him because i didn t want that to affect his decision and i would rather cut off my arm then manipulate people i love i won t tell him now either if he ever doe decide to leave he need to feel free to do so and now i just i ve discovered how dependent i am on others to give me value i simply don t believe that everyone ha value some people namely rapist serial killer people who hurt people over and over with no remorse etc don t and thus that mean that to keep myself from being hypocritical i have to apply my belief system to myself a well in the past i told myself that i am simply too unwell to make that decision objectively but now that feel like running away from the question i am just reconciling this relationship is inherently unstable because me and him are both highschoolers and i have enough illness to mark me insane i ve realized that i won t be able to handle loosing him because i think he is such a great human being and he s treated me so well if we ever split i ll know it wa my fault and apparently that mean more to me than i thought no one in my life can know this happened specifically because i recently went off of my anxiety medication and they ll say thats why this happened this doesn t make sense because when i wa commited last year i wa taking the medication and that didn t prevent me from being suicidal and because the side effect of the medication made my life significantly worse and harder so i doubt going back on it would really help i will not discus why because it is horribly embarrassing and feel dehumanizing and i don t want anyone s opinion i just want to know how do i move on all it took wa a week for those thought to become instinct again and they re still following me typically i move on quickly partly because of my dissociative disorder and it d only take a day or two to forget but this isn t dissapearing i ve damaged my psyche and i don t know what to do about it i can t talk to a therapist in my experience they don t actually know how to help you move on from a period of suicidality they only know how to keep you from doing it i think cbt the therapy not the drug could help honestly but i doubt seriously i could find a therapist who doesn t think suicidal thought disappear after you re commited at least thats how they treated it at the psych ward they act like your thought should be gone in a week last time i opened up about this i felt like i wa being punished by my family and by my doctor actually i m still being punished at least by my family everyone ha an opinion about your suicidality and everyone make it about themselves i just mean to say opening up isn t an option i don t need further punishment or have people angrier with me than they were before how can i in my own time and on my own term move foward i know there s a way especially since i m motivated though my heart is probably in the wrong place because my reason for being motivated is so that it doesn t affect my boyfriend and i feel i should specify i don t mean how can i tackle the root i can actually do that in therapy without risking hospitalization i just mean a of now how can i wrangle myself together and keep moving,Depression +40322,im a y o male child sex abuse victim i wa molested by an uncle at pre school age along with my younger brother this disgusting trauma ha cast a shadow over my entire life and now that im in a period of increasing loneliness and hopelessness i think im just gon na leave i have so many social difficulty from this so many thing are 0x harder for me for so many reason it ha basically destroyed my ability to feel any worth in myself to feel like i deserve anything on top of this i deal with persistent chronic pain im seriously drowning lost everyone who made me happy and the focus in my life is never on me always a second thought to even my own parent my grandpa keep a gauge in his closet that im going to use to splatter my head later,Depression +40323,hello i hope you are having a good day i have been suicidal for the last year at least i am 9 male idk if that matter and i never told anyone about it because well i am too shy today i built enough strentgh to be able to open up about my suicidal thought to my mother just to feel absolutely destroyed by her reaction she immedately asked if i am autistic no joke and didnt stop saying that i wa telling her this to threaten her or make her feel guilty i wa very confused when i heard that and she still continued doubting my academic performance even though i told her many time i am still doing well in my study then finally she somehow ended up beating me up out of rage telling me that i am lazy that i dont help at home that i dont pay the bill that i dont get the highest grade making feel me like i am burden to everyone well i guess that must be true right i am worthless so i should disappear soon trust me i want to die really badly but i get slapped by reality and i realize how weak i am when i try killing myself i am sorry for being such a disappointment to everyone i am truly sorry,Depression +40324,i ve tried therapy i ve tried medication i know i m trying i quit nicotine i ate better and exercised i don t know what to do it s tiring living like this and having to do it alone i don t drink anymore and still feel the same i m too embarrassed to reach out i wasn t raised in a mental health conscious family i keep flaking on friend but it s because i m so tired man i don t know what to do i don t need anyones help i promise i m not a nice person who deserves it i don t know what to do anymore im just exhausted,Depression +40325,why do people have to care about me im only alive because of my parent and some friend because they would be sad if i died life is bullshit,Depression +40326,content warning od throwing up hi this is just a vent ig but like last night i really felt like taking an overdose but i decided not to so that i didn t have to throw up cause that happened and i hate it and i don t want to throw up and then die like that would be awful but today i woke up at like three or four am and puked all over the floor and now i m just thinking that me avoiding taking those pill didn t work out like hoped like i still threw up but i m not even dying,Depression +40327,long story short i wa miserable at parent moved out for a year happiest time of my life still sometimes i found myself sad cry and still miserable had to move back in been month hate it here i m starting to think it s just me no matter what i do i still find myself sad amp wondering why i exist usually keep myself extra busy but any downtime i have i ll have these same thought what make you keep going why do you decide to get out of bed every morning what is the literal point of your existence,Depression +40328,i don t see why suicide is selfish in my case if i killed myself to make other people s life better i don t think that should be considered a selfish but im called selfish for wanting to kill myself i don t get it im a fuck up if i m alive and i m a fuck up if i want to kill myself i don t know what to do anymore,Depression +40329,a the title say i can t be bothered with life anymore it taking me so long to even go to a bridge and jump off i just wan na die already got no friend family dont give a crap amp i always get left behind when it come to meeting people so why not end it all and be done with this pain,Depression +40330,i need some help badly i suffer too much my depression ha gone from a depression i wa able to function on i wa a everyday gym user ate well slept well grade were alright now my depression is horrific i tried the gym the other day and saw myself in the mirror and wanted to pick up a weight and smash my head in i don t eat i don t sleep i ve lost weight badly my hair is always ridiculed someone always go out of there way to speak to me or about me leave me alone i would bet money if you ask my couple of friend and my family doe he have depression they would say no way he s happy i m dying inside suicidal thought used to be a comforting thing for me whenever something bad happened i said i won t be here so it won t matter now it s getting to the point where it seems like my only solution i m such a gentle great soul why doe my brain treat me like a piece of dirt why doe my brain force me to thrive to look perfect i ve resorted to self harm i ve done it twice a month or two ago and it felt great i cut up my thigh badly i ve tried to not make that a habit tho i m just a year old kid how tf am i giving up already on life my beautiful parent and family and pet and i choose to be a disgusting loser i wish i didn t have such a amazing family so i didn t feel guilty i know this is long and i know people won t read this on a stupid reddit page but i had to vent my main reason for depression are body dysmorphia worst part and most crippling lack of social life fear of driving while everyone else doe lack of aspiration don t know what i m doing for college don t have a career choice lack of attention from opposite sex least painful one but it definitely hurt badly i ve never told a single person about depression can someone save my life,Depression +40331,hey tbh i don t know who to ask i tried unalive myself by hanging un fortunately they rescued me i don t have any medical complication but i have something i can describe a bloody eye like the part of my eye that supposed to be white are partially cover with blood i m wondering doe anyone had something like that i love my half dead look but i m curious when my eye will get back to normal,Depression +40332,i have always hated myself and have attempted suicide several time for the past year since my last attempt what had kept me going ha been focusing on changing myself to become someone i can stand a long a changing and improving myself felt possible death didn t seem like the only answer to escape who i am despite covid i have liked myself more in the past year than ever before because i felt like i wa actually making progress on becoming a good person in therapy so it felt even more do able then four week ago my therapist told me that all this time therapy hasn t been working he reduced the amount of therapy i receive per week because i wa relying on it too much to enact the change it wa immediately clear after the change that he wa right i m the exact same piece of shit i ve always been i wa just able to be better because of his help a soon a it wa removed i went right back to how i wa before i feel so foolish humiliated and defeated i feel like i ve been in the desert racing desperately towards an oasis for the past two year only to discover it wa just a mirage all along death really is the only way to escape being who i am,Depression +40333,people dying in the street everyone is so isolated possibility of nuclear war the list go on and on and on i already have shitty mental health and i don t think i can handle the pressure of the modern world much longer inb this is the best time to be alive hurrdurr no it s not i just want to live like a human is supposed to live in a small tribe in which we all care for each other spend all day everyday with other people be a part of a community our society ha completely removed u from the joy of being a human i feel like i m in a spaceship in the middle of deep space with no hope for any human connection,Depression +40334,today i pretended i wa okay to my mom so she would continue to let me stay in her house i choked down food so it looked like i had an appetite and told her i would go draw so i could be myself alone i can t even draw anymore anyways i saw this a fake it til you make it i ve been told it s actually that i m not putting any effort in and using people so i guess i ll sleep a long a the people around me will let me then hoping i never wake up,Depression +40335,my friend who s always been like a motherly figure to me and i ve always looked up to her ha been mentally struggling for ever since i ve known her mental facility in where she life are actual hell she tried to off herself a couple of time but didn t this time i m afraid that she ll do it because she s getting worse every day and i feel so helpless because word can t touch her anymore and that s all i can do she said that she feel worthless and life doesn t have meaning to it and that she think no one want her in their life and she doesn t know right from wrong good from evil and reality from illusion she s tired and the only thing she can think of is doing herself justice by ending her life to shut the voice in her head it broke my heart reading what she said and i couldn t translate it all i want her to find peace i just want the best for her i wish i m more brave to show her how beautiful life can be but even i can t see it so is there a point in trying i wish i could do more i wish i wa helpful i wish i can show her that she s not alone in this and that i love her i hate myself for even thinking that it s the best thing for her because then she ll be free she can finally rest in peace even though it hurt but i don t want her to suffer more than she already ha i want her to reach the peace she s been looking for i feel so selfish if i tried to stop her what should i do,Depression +40336,i m year old live by myself and i m losing my marble i wa with a girl for two year up living together for until a week before my birthday when she dumped me cut me off and told me how horrible i am i ll admit i ve been controlling i had caught and been told about her having an affair with a coworker halfway through and still forgave her around new year she told me she is pregnant with my child i m pretty positive it s mine but now i m hoping it s not im off the deep end i think horrible thought all day a i mindlessly build door for 0 hour i imagine just ending it after work and how thing are going to be so much better when i do it im broke with bill i m court ordered therapy and today wa my 90 compliance order time now i get violated i don t want help i want to die i m just scared what s it s going to do to my fragile parent i m a psychopath i m adopted i don t even know who made me i wa never even supposed to be here i don t think anyone will read these but i need to say it somewhere and i dont want help i can t change my mind anymore i wasn t made for this bullshit i ll do more harm to others if i don t end myself before pray for my daughter pray for my parent i can t do this shit anymore,Depression +40337,nothing left bye guy hope life give you what you want because it didn t for me,Depression +40338,i just want to either take all my pill or jump off a bridge and be done with it people i thought cared at me don t and the one person i know care about me and want to be my friend doesn t respect me a a person with feeling he hurt me he know how his new relationship ha affected me and now his won t stop behaving like a horny teenager in public a a man in his mid 0 i just want to be respected i looked up to him and it s all crumbling down in front of me i can t be friend with him anymore and i can t live with that i just want to be done with this pathetic life i just had to cut my parent off for the second time in undergrad and have nobody i m useless and behind on so much i have so many obligation but i can t find the strength to do any of them all my peer hate me for being upset how dare i be upset when i see the person i like make out with their significant other on the floor and won t keep their hand off each other and i can t do anything about it if i say anything i ll lose everyone i m trapped i fucking hate myself for getting close to him and wish he just left town when he graduated so i never got to know him at all,Depression +40339,i m f i ve been bullied throughout my entire school career i wa always the gifted kid until i wa about and started to feel the burn out but i persisted with the gifted class and now i m absolutely burnt out i wa always the friend that everyone went to when they needed something but nobody wa ever available when i needed help i ve always lived for others and never lived for myself and i m tired of it i don t even know what i want in life anymore i m always shut down for my idea i wa molested by a family member for year from the age 0 and since then have been raped time each a separate occasion and person i ve made multiple attempt on my life in the past and used to self harm i ve been clean for a little over a year but the urge are so strong my most recent attempt wa in august 0 and wa an overdose on metoprolol it wa about am and i wa otp with a friend and told him that i wanted to die he told me if you re at peace with that decision then you do what you think is best for you i however don t think that you should do it but i know i can t stop you and i proceeded to down bottle of metoprolol i waited about minute until i could finally feel everything shutting down and woke my younger brother up and told him what i did he called 9 and woke my parent and younger sister up my younger brother watched a the paramedic put me in the ambulance and had to watch me flatline a they were flooding my body with med to keep me awake i got to the hospital and my mom didn t even bother to show up for another hour she stayed with me for a while before she had to go to work and then my dad who abused me my entire life stayed with me and did nothing but complain about me and say that i wa nothing but a coward who wanted to take the easy way out my dad got into it with hospital staff bc he had to leave and nobody could stay with me so i had to leave against medical advice one of my older brother made the hour drive in hour to come down and make sure that i wa safe after my younger brother called him and told him what happened i wa put into a outpatient program afterwards and it helped a lot for a while but after about a month of being out of it i wanted to die again since then i lost one of my older brother and it s been difficult to deal with that and my own problem internally i ve never wanted to kill myself more than i do now i have a plan and everything i wa aiming for my th bday but that s too far from now i just want to give up i m exhausted,Depression +40340,i get into argument with my mum almost everyday and the reason is because of me i don t intend to start a fight but i always some how manage to my mum ha no tolerance for stress and that s why she is so sensitive to argument because she ha been through a lot from me and my dad i hate to admit but i don t like to be around my family my younger sister doesn t even like to live in the same house a me because of my toxic behaviour and inability to communicate properly i never wanted to hurt anyone but now i ve become a thorn hurting more and more and i have seen my decline over time with how much more severe thing have been in home my mum ha been damaged so much by stress that she is forced to stay in bed for the rest of the day if an argument unfolds and it wont be long until she ha a heart attack from stress unless something change when i go out with friend s once a month or so i m quiet and there is never any trouble caused and i m able to have a break from reality for a few hour until i go home and face stress again home drive me insane and i hate it because i m around people i can t get along with but i never wanted it to be this way but i made it like this my only peace is when im asleep alone or outside with mate and thats not enough to keep me going over the past year i have changed so much and i don t know what to do anymore i have become emotionless and hollow building up all my pain and sadness inside and not showing anyone except some friend but only the tip of the iceberg i never wanted to be the bad guy but i end up being one because of a mistake i make i myself can t handle stress either so i might not even finish school yet reach college it doesn t help either that i don t want to go to college so my mum will kick me out of the house to go live with my dad who ha been severely affected mentally by drug and is deranged my mum say i m exactly like my dad and he is a horrible person i don t know what there is to live for in life i m hurting everyone around me and who know how long it will be till my friend cut me from their life depression is horrible and i will never wish it upon anyone because it is like a wound that re open deeper and deeper everytime it close to being healed i hate life and hate myself i don t enjoy anything and hate school so where will i end up if i survive school i don t know and it scare me because time is ticking faster than i want it to i am going to commit suicide in the end whenever that time arrives i have sealed my faith and can t undo my bad the tunnel is getting darker for me and worse is to come i waited long enough for a sign to keep going but i never received one i m a burden on my family and a selfish soul that doe not deserve to exist only i can save myself but i gave up a long time ago how do i even find a reason at the lowest point in my life if anyone read this thanks for taking a moment out of your day to hear my pain,Depression +40341,i m leaving tonight i can t keep doing this i m sorry,Depression +40342,i got so used to the happiness i thought everything finally made sense and i had a future i wa and am convinced this man who ha hurt me in so many way is my soulmate now four month after a blindsiding breakup he s with someone else and every day i breakdown and think about killing myself i never thought id be like this over some guy but there it is ive tried med and therapy and everything youre supposed to do but i cant eat i cant sleep when all i dream about is him and i cant function or get a real job or anything i hate myself for being so weak and pathetic i dont know how to do this anymore,Depression +40343,i m writing this in hope i get a sign but it s been year already and no sign of life getting better my mom hate me she already told me that my family doesn t give a shit about me and my friend they also don t i ve been trying to get a job i wa just fired from a job where i wa happy learning and getting good pay they just sent me an email saying they no longer need me no feedback except for you are great but not what we need i have tremendous stress a i have to help pay rent i don t want to be a burden anymore i really tried but i m not getting anywhere,Depression +40344,how doe suicide really feel for your loved one my friend told me that it would probably be pretty painful and sad but i m wondering if people even care,Depression +40345,i feel at peace but i can t stop cry i m done with life i will no longer be a noose ance anymore i guess part of me wish someone would stop me still i don t know i m done edit it is now the next day i m still thinking about killing myself but it s way le intense now more of a thought than a plan and intent i don t know it s been rough it s hard to see a way out of it but i know that inaction isn t going to help me get over it man i wish life wa le difficult but it really feel like i m learning everything from the ground up i know for sure that there are many people who are going through similar situation experience a i am but due to the nature of it nobody dare to talk about it i do however think that my experience are universal therefore survivable idk i just wish it didn t have to be that way but i need to accept it,Depression +40346,the people that sh why do you do it i ve gotten this question a couple time since a couple year i m self harming almost daily i do it for three reason comfort seeing myself bleed physically is for some reason comforting to me my question to you do you see yourself in that too distraction it s is a quick temporary conversion from emotional pain to physical pain relieving my mind and thought for a quick moment shame the third reason is more of a response to the most asked question aren t you afraid people will see your wound scar and the answer is no people won t get to see it anyway it s on my torso leg and shoulder i never am in situation where those body part are exposed it s a simple a that,Depression +40347,i can t handle people talking to me however they want anymore im over it fuck it,Depression +40348,not handling the loss of my father barely making it day to day i m in so much pain i don t think i can make it much longer,Depression +40349,wa recently hit with a major wave of depression and memory i cant seem to get it out of my head and the thought of oding sound so enticing to me right now year of religious indoctrination is the only thing holding me back is there any way i can quickly overcome this fear of burning for eternity so i can just rest peacefully in the void,Depression +40350,it s ironic and funny even that when i m feeling so angry and alone and after every professional that i ve seen said there s always people who ll listen to your problem the one time i try to actually reach out to them they never answered,Depression +40351,i don t get it i ve know i have a future i know have a route but i don t see the point anymore no matter what i do it s never enough for the people around me family friend even myself no matter what i do i feel like i m always doing it wrong i have severe social anxiety and i m too scared to reach out to anyone close to me i know they ll just turn their back like they always do everyday i have to put on a mask and pretend like everything is okay i don t want to put it on anymore i don t want anyone to feel sorry for me i don t want to cause that stress in anyone but myself my mind is so fucked up that i don t even know what s wrong with me anymore all i know is that something is i ve kept all my emotion bottled up for year i m too numb to feel anything anymore i can t remember the last time i felt legitimate happiness the only thing i feel at this point are physical besides stress shame and a crippling caffeine addiction it s so bad that i m taking at least 000mg a day at this point at this point i just have a bottle of mixed medication at my bedside that i stare at every night and each day i feel myself moving closer to downing them all this is my last call i don t know what else to do,Depression +40352,im still in school and i get bullied i dont have friend and i get beatun up almost every day and i get sick a lot like fainting alot and im just sick of it so here i am asking for help so will someone please just help me,Depression +40353,i am sorry i could not make it until june i have tried i am not strong enough this school is too unforgiving i am sorry,Depression +40354,i just want someone or the love of my life who wa out there somewhere to come and heal me and pick me up and give me everything i needed in life and validate all the issue i ever had faced in this lifetime i can t be asked to put my mental health first or any of that shit anymore i can t carry myself,Depression +40355,i m trying really hard,Depression +40356,a man in my neighborhood just killed himself in the same method i am planning it happened a month ago but i just got more detail about it today from my mom she doesn t suspect a thing about me all the story i have heard about when something like this happens is that people rally together but that didn t happen my mom talked about his poor wife and how much his kid are going to miss him and how it must have been some of the medication he wa on she didn t say a thing about him other than it wa sad that he had mental health issue the people in my circle think that people like me and him are worth le than someone healthy they never said that but i can tell they think people like me are hard to love that we have too many demon inside of u that people with depression are letting the devil get to them none of this ha escaped me am i really evil am i letting the devil win the worst part is that they don t know what i m planning to do but i could never say anything because i don t want to hurt them i don t want to destroy the image they have of me while i am alive,Depression +40357,to preface i would like to apologize in advance for any posting informality this is my first reddit post i just graduated university in may of 0 and received a job at a global digital marketing agency agency life a a first job wa too emotionally taxing for my well being and gave me extremely bad performance anxiety i quit this job right before the start of 0 and have been looking for a job since i briefly had a job in february of 0 however a close friend of mine offed himself and i wa fired for taking time off to grieve due to this i started taking prozac and visiting a therapist once a week thing were going fine until i decided to drink on prozac one night and have a psychotic episode this episode caused me to get extremely aggressive towards my roommate for no reason i wa running down a list of accusation some true and some untrue however my girlfriend worried for the safety of my roommate decided to slap me in hope to end the episode terrible idea i know amp we have no history of domestic abuse this lead me into a meltdown where i called the cop trying to get her arrested for assault along with spewing false detail of thing that i wa hallucinating the cop soon realized i wa having an episode and luckily didn t press charge and talked me somewhat down from being aggressive once they left i packed up every item i own and drove hour to my family s house i don t remember anything until i wa almost finished packing my stuff i severely hurt my roommate and girlfriend i don t think about coming back because of how overwhelming the guilt will feel i m not sure what i should do and my brain is focusing on the permanent solution i guess the reason for this post is to ask for any advice or tip i didn t want to drone on regarding other incident so i ll leave a list below of what s happened in the past year cut off abusive parent experienced a few other meltdown due to work school stress lost a ton of friend due to self isolation took too many psychedelics which ha given me bad general anxiety wa arrested and impulsively moved halfway around the u before i wa ready to amp x 00b life for the past year ha gone continuously downhill for me i can t realistically see a way out of this,Depression +40358,a i write this it feel so attention seeking like i am looking for a reason to stay a reason to feel i have all the reason right in front of me my girlfriend my best friend my dog however none of it matter i m drunk and all i want to do is die i m scared i m scared of how that will make my friend family and girlfriend feel how can i put them through that i wish i didn t care i wish i didn t care about their feeling i wish i could just go get a gun or in my car and resume back to the chapter before my birth sometimes surviving an event is the hard part me surviving life is the hard part it feel like i could go in forever forever knowing that it s just chemical in my brain that make me want to blissfully enjoy the enteral slumber that awaits u all medicine scare me what if it change who i am the last time i wa on the medicine i slept for the majority of the day unable to get out of the blissful slumber that carried away my thought and sorrow eventually i ll have the gut if i rid myself of everyone who care,Depression +40359,it s kind of funny isn t it,Depression +40360,age gender m i ve been dealing with my depression for a while now and some people including my parent know although my biggest regret is telling my girlfriend when i told her that i have been trying to take my life everything changed i understand it s just her caring and not knowing how to deal with it but it s been such a burden on the relationship i m not longer human to her i m mainly a ticking time bomb i m starting to feel like i ve locked her in this relationship because of this disease i have we can t go a hang out without her cry about the fact that my life is hanging on by a thread and i know this is extremely selfish of me how could i not be appreciative for this caring girl to be honest i couldn t care le just every time i see her break because of me it make me hate myself more i wish i just kept that side of me hidden away from her to protect her from it the worst part is she can t help me even though she try so hard and she know it every day feel like a toss of a dice whether i will live or die and she is watching it all helpless i love her so much she keep me going but god i wish i had a time machine to go back and make sure i never told her just then she could be happy until the end i m sorry vesna,Depression +40361,i cant see the only person keeping me here i cant listen to his voice i should be able to but my anxiety make it impossible for me to ask him to meet up or call i can only message him he doesn t respond for hour i need to speak to him i need to see him i need him i miss him i miss him so much im on the verge of attempting bc it feel like ill never see him again i havent seen him in month i havent spoken to him in person in 9 i know i need to talk to someone but im not getting therapy until june i tried sending him message over the last few day but he hasn t even seen them my heart is literally physically aching bc i miss him so much i cant do this anymore edit guy im ok he responded to my message and i wa able to calm down before i could try to end it,Depression +40362,but fuck insomnia that moment of peace is snatched too,Depression +40363,normally i use my note app but this wa the first time i had written pen and paper somehow it feel good it s the final chapter of my life i hope people in my life understand i had to do this for myself the pain is too much for one to handle everyday,Depression +40364,she asked me to go out and do thing outside of school which i don t do often she s so nice and cool and creative and i care fo her so much but i feel like i should just leave her alone im such a terrible person ive done and said so much messed up stuff and if she knew who i really wa she would hate me im a fucking shit head emotional manipulator i cut my arm and palm to shit just hoping that she would notice and comfort me or tell me to stop and she didn t notice and now i want to cut myself more for being an idiot and thinking i could get someone to care for me by ruining myself she d probably be disgusted by my scar anyway i wish i could go to therapy or get help but i can t and at this point i feel awful all the time and i just can t do it anymore im gon na kill myself soon probably this year whenever i fuck up to the point all my inhibition about death are gone thank you to the people that dm d me on my last post i didn t respond to one of you but i appreciate it,Depression +40365,im fucking drunk at 9am even if im fucking with my life still ahead of me i don t wan na do this anymore i dont even have a house anymore i have nobodt y fck i cant even type noboidy i just want to end thing but im too scared to even kill myself hpw do i do it without failing i often imagine others doing it for me can someone help me do it where can i go to do it i think it will irresponsib e for me to just jump into traffic a i don t want others to suffer i just want to go quietly are there any service like that my ocd keep me hanging i have a list i cant leave or ill go crazt im tired why is it so hard to log out of this life anybody wan na kill me no string attached or do you know anyone who could please make it stop i want to cease and disappear,Depression +40366,i don t know if i could able to live another day or another year i hear everyday people judge who i talked to or what i m planning to do they hated my presence and how my thought is they hated my love of interest and my hobby because it s useless and not get you anywhere in life my mom constantly telling me i m not going anywhere in life because of the many failed attempt on planning to go to school or planning to get the job but no my self esteem and my joy for socializing people is ruined by my mom i m still in a constant unresolved trauma going on in on through my childhood where i get brutally beaten by people whose used to be kid and now grow up to be the same thing a me but selfishly beat me to the ground i couldn t able to save my dad through a stroke back in october 0 nobody understands me when i talked about my issue at home or my life they only thought i m a well rounded person who got lot of achievement and so called hope on me and now i m on my computer scrolling though which rope i could buy and how sturdy the fall is and use it before my birthday because nobody understands me,Depression +40367,my abusive mom got off she died ruining me my younger brother is in her footstep and abuse me too i don t want any encouragement or anything positive i am just done sensitive people like me the victim always lose my mom won a she died and is now in peace my brother ha won too so i m done i lost the battle and the war narc always win,Depression +40368,if thing don t get better for me by the end of 0 i m going to cash out my saving write a will and use of my saving to go on a world trip alone after which i will kill myself in a quiet place by the sea or something the saving i m leaving for my little brother because who know how expensive college will be by the time he s i m almost and a neet i have no friend no so extreme depression and social anxiety i don t find joy in hobby i am too anxious to go outdoors social medium trigger me i have no skill and haven t worked since 0 0 my family is poor and having me living in the house just drain their saving i consider myself low maintenance but food and electricity is just so goddamn expensive these day i also have ton of allergy and dyshidrotic eczema on my finger and during my flare ups i can t do any chore and any contact with water cause itch and spread now at springtime it meant i m rendered basically incapable of doing anything it s gon na last for month and i feel useless it s an autoimmune disease and there s no cure nothing help no diet prescribed cream nothing it s been like this all my life fall is the only season where it s the mildest,Depression +40369,when all you can feel is you re failing at everything failure failure failure so you give up and you attempt to end it all and even fail at that how am i supposed to feel then,Depression +40370,i miss my life before this depressive episode idk if you can even call it an episode anymore it s been over year i don t think i ll ever be the same and that destroys me inside i miss 0 9 and 0 0 up until september i wa truly happy and just coasting through life so content i wa so happy and life wa so simple especially during the 0 0 lockdown all i had to do during the lockdown wa watch load of anime and random netflix show explore new music stay up all night and do nothing i even had time to explore my childlike side by doing load of painting and drawing using kiddie paint and colouring book my mental health wa great too i had no eating disorder no depression no school work my anxiety and ocd wa minimal and i wasn t so deeply lonely like i am now i can literally just hear a song smell a smell or taste a good that i experienced to during that period and i will burst out in tear because i miss not being depressed so much now even if i do try and enjoy life like i did back then and be carefree it ll never be the same because my anxiety and depression have quite literally destroyed me from the inside now i ll never be able to enjoy life like that again i had never been in a relationship and that didn t bother me at all now i ve still never been in a relationship and it make me feel unloveable and ugly i always hear people at school talking about their relationship and date and stuff and even though i don t want a boyfriend that bad i still feel like i m missing out on a key part of the teenage experience but still to be honest i m not that keen on a relationship i really just want to be happy anyway all that s left to do is die i have my plan in place and i have a date and method at least i can say that i experienced true happiness and one point in my life i guess,Depression +40371,hello thank you for reading my post and any advice would be appreciated so i m a 9 year old guy from southern california i dated my ex for about month and it wa a relationship plagued with many issue she cheated on me at the beginning of the relationship and i later found out stayed with her and then cheated on her it wa this weird situation because we both wronged each other so we saw it a we re equal let s try to make this work though our relationship could be considered rocky at best i still loved her very much and i had never felt such strong emotion for someone like that before she wa my first real girlfriend she introduced me to her family and vice versa we went on vacation with each other we went to punk show and enjoyed music because we had a similar taste in music around december she caught me flirting with girl on my phone and i guess you can say she ended the relationship but everything wa still the same we would see each other regularly have sex pretty regularly go out and do thing with one other and talk all the time like we did it wa almost a like we never even broke but she said the relationship wa over but if i prove to her that i would make a change that we would get back together at first i wa super apologetic and begged her for forgiveness but i soon realized that everything wa still the same minus the fact that we technically aren t in a relationship anymore i did a lot of soul searching and talking to those around me who told me it wa for the best that we didn t date anymore so i started talking to other girl around this time i meet my guitar teacher and started playing the guitar i ve been playing for about month now it s something that make me very happy and i enjoy doing it like i mentioned earlier with my ex everything felt the same except we technically weren t in a relationship but she would still say she love and care about me in december i wa still trying to get her forgiveness she bought me these sick computer speaker i bought her this ring with our name engraved on it but she didn t really seem to like it and even left it at my house and never took it even though that s what she wa begging me to buy for her at one point i told her that it bothered me that she completely just tossed away the ring and her response is why would i wear a promise ring when i ve broken the promise i didn t have a rebuttal to it so i dropped the subject january rolled around and the idea of trying to gain her favor back and earning our relationship back grew to disdain we both were on bumble tinder talking to other people flirting but we still would be in this weird situation where we were in this relationship saying i love you to each other so like i mentioned earlier i had downloaded dating apps and met flirted with some girl and she wa doing the same thing but i told her that i m growing tired of this weird thing and that i want to be back with her and try to make thing work and she wa kinda blowing it off i deleted all the dating apps i wasn t meeting flirting with any girl and i didn t do anything with anyone besides her this whole time so fast forward to my birthday on february st and she bought ticket for u to go to knot berry farm amusement park here in socal we had a good time and we ended up having sex later that night during this whole weird period we were having sex pretty consistently my birthday ended up being the last time we saw each for a while because my best friend said that they saw her on bumble tinder i made new account and i saw her she swiped right on me both time and it set me off because i kept telling her i wanted to be with her and wanted to start over and she said wanted to a well but wanted to make sure but wanted wait and that she loved me and only wanted to be with me would always say she can t imagine being with anyone but me so seeing her on these apps even though we told each other we weren t going to be on them anymore so i sent her this long message telling her how i felt about her our relationship and the whole tinder bumble situation and that i wa through with her then it wa almost a she flipped the script and that she wa the one begging me to get back with each other and she pulled her whole i love you i can t imagine being with one else but you blah blah but i wa done and wa ready to emotionally move which i feel like for the most part i have so i completely stopped talking to her many of my close friend helped me out a lot especially my best friend i felt sorta free in a way and i wa trying my best to move on i met other girl and had hookup with a lot of them i mean last week i had sex with two different girl in one night on friday but every time i feel like happy at first after but then shortly after i go back to this feeling of emptiness that i have been feeling i and my family had a trip planned out to give a visit to our family in el salvador and we went it wa only for a week but it wa the happiest i had been in so long a soon a i came back that feeling of emptiness came back full force a couple of week after i came back me and my friend decided we wanted to try shrooms it wa a whole ordeal to get them but we somehow got them we had it all planned out but it kinda fell through me and my best friend ended up taking the i unfortunately had a bad trip at first the trip went super well but i took about gram and it wa my first time and i started telling my friend i wa depressed then it turned into i m planning on committing suicide when i m older but something came upon me and i wa telling him i wanted to kill myself right then and there and i tried to kill myself but my friend stopped me i have been pretty traumatized since that night and i have been thinking about it so much during the time i wa in el salvador my ex made a tik tok about me saying i wa a terrible person and that i treated her horrible and that she wa the victim of the relationship and it got like 000 view she also posted a video on her instagram story of some random licking her face and her kissing him after so i wanted nothing to do with her anymore but after my bad trip i felt emotionally vulnerable and i texted her back and i told her what i went through and we started texting again she told me that she wanted to see me again and i wasn t there emotionally she came over and we ended up having sex and we ve done this twice now i just feel like i have gone through so much these last month and it ha been so much to handle after i took the shrooms i felt like i needed to better my action and i planning on going back to school i have stopped smoking weed and drinking i never did it often but i want to completely stop i m growing tired of this constant feeling of emptiness i feel every day of my life and i feel like i haven t been trying to move my life forward and i keep going back to the same place i keep telling myself i want to move from i don t know if it s depression or what but i m tired of the way i feel sometimes when i think about my bad trip i just chalk it up to me being high but other time i feel like that deep down i actually want to and that the shrooms just made me realize i love and appreciate my best friend my other friend and my family because they provide me with amazing support but these feeling still linger and i m growing tired of it the thing that ha been providing me with happiness is playing guitar and it s been my escape i would appreciate someone to talk to maybe i need someone fresh perspective,Depression +40372,i should ve died it s been a year since my last suicide attempt a year since the closest i ve gotten to dying a year since my greatest mistake of life see people talk ab leading up to the attempt or their life before that but after the failed attempt they just say they wanted to live and everything got better nah bro that s not this story a year later i m worst than before i just don t live alone anymore and there s more thing stopping me i still hate my life i still wan na die and honestly my depression got worst i just feel like i can express it le since then i had a brief period of being okay then again it all went to shit i no longer play college sport i dropped out of school time i fucked yo everything i cared about and apart from that i m in debt i self harm way more than i used to probably every day now i catch myself switching the knife i used to use for my bare hand a it s easier to play off and i just beat myself up every night until i can barely breath pounding at my chest or rib until it hurt to be straight and i need to curl up in my ball of sweat and blood and cut from the pounding i do to myself i feel invivible like no one give a fuck and neither do i i have to fake every emotion i have because i don t feel anything just complete numbness and pain i failed at everything i set out to do and i ve hurt people who didn t deserve my pain everyone who try to help find it too much and therapy seems too impersonal so it doesn t really help and i can t open up it really just feel like everything went to shit after that it feel like my rock bottom opened up and created a newer harder level called hell for me to play since i escaped from the real one when the pill didn t work and i catch myself holding my stomach half beaten sore and hungry from the day of starving myself due to lack of motivation and thinking god damn it i should ve died that day god fuckikg damn it those pill should ve killed me if they did i wouldn t have hurt who i have if they did i wouldn t have become this failure if they didn t i wouldn t have to fake if they did i wouldn t have to beat if they did i wouldn t have to pretend i m okay being alive when all i ever wan na do is die if they did i would finally rest i can t talk ab my feeling i m undeserving of that privilege i can t explain why i do the thing i do that hurt people the word just don t come out the feeling is unexplainable i can t explain why i just wan na die because if i did then i would be told i m taking thing for granted and i can t kill myself because it hurt to hurt people all i want is to be dead happiness stoped being an option for me long ago,Depression +40373,why am i here i have class i need to go back i m sweating my backside is all gross and wet and it s not because it s hot i m wearing short something is wrong with me i m broken i can t be around people but i m lonely i can t care about college awful apathy is in my vein i can t even pretend to have any desire for life or conversation i m going to fail my class maybe failing something will finally wake me up or no i m nothing of value without my grade it s all i ve ever had it s all i m actually good at and now i realize how utterly pointless and empty that overwhelming stress wa good grade never made me like living or myself if i fail it is justification that my existence is worthless i m just lonely and socially anxious to the point of phobia and scared of others and especially of myself i just want to die i m supposed to commit suicide i m sure of it i am not meant to exist i do not belong here i belong nowhere i m tired really really tired,Depression +40374,every time i think thing are getting better they suddenly go to shit is it even worth trying anymore i ve hit an all time low and my confidence ha never been worse which is kind of uncommon because my confidence go last usually everyone seems to be getting happier and they all have plan for the future but i still feel like i ve a long way to go when it come to starting a new chapter in my life i m exhausted this overwhelming emptiness doesn t ever go away it only get filled with sadness and anger,Depression +40375,month ago i hit rock bottom and wa about to kill myself luckily the attempt wa a failure therapy worked wonder for me and i m falling in love right now thanks for the kind word in this subreddit you helped me through the darkest night of my life much love,Depression +40376,i am dying beforehand i dont even want to talk to you you are the reason why im leaving have a nice fucking life without me,Depression +40377,i ve had suicidal ideation almost everyday for year now i ve kinda lost track when specifically because everything just seems like a blur i feel trapped in a way because i don t want to hurt my friend and family but at the same time i m just so exhausted with living i just want to be set free and i wish they could just let me go and finally allow me to leave this world i mean being gay and asian american should give enough of a reason a to why i ve ended up in this predicament i just wish i could have been born normal i wish i could have had a normal childhood i wish i could had all the thing that came with growing up like crush prom night or dating in high school and then piling that on top of all the other horrible shit that exists within our society i don t even want to continue with life anymore why should i even bother if world i live in wa never made for people like me why would it be bad if i choose to leave it isn t it more selfish for them to keep me hostage alive,Depression +40378,i don t wan na be here anymore i m sick of feeling like this all the time i wan na kill myself tomorrow i might not do it but the thought of doing it are too much now,Depression +40379,well since i m too pusy to actually kill myself i ve just decided to tell everyone who care about me i ve past away from a random heart condition it s not like it matter i m clearly and problem and i m not worth their time of day anymore my friend are all long distance anyways it s not like they ll know my soon to be ex s mom wa right i am mental and she ha the right to not want that for her daughter and i respect that i honestly had myself fooled for a little while that i wa worth something and wa actually doing better i m never gon na be able to support her anyways i m a broke sorry fool with gas cost i can no longer afford to drive from the quad city to chicago to see you i ve failed a a man the pill only work so much it s not fair to you j that you have keep track of my suicidal as i honestly want to be able to be someone that can make you happy in the way i did and more with money and stuff i want you to finish college then go to medschool like you planned on i know you re going to make a great doctor i hope you ll be able to go back home to n c and see your family more this long distance isn t right for someone like you on top of it this isn t what someone like you need you were the most beautiful person i ve ever been with in everyway i m honestly glad for the month of an amazing relationship i m even more thankful for the year of friendship guess i just wanted someone to my reason out even though i know she ll never see this and they ll never see it i can t afford to be with you guy anymore i don t wan na be the friend with no money or boyfriend and such it s not fair i hope you don t mind i keep a photo of you guy that reminds me of why i m choosing to get better goodbye guy you re gon na be fine without me,Depression +40380,what if i die hel think it his fault,Depression +40381,i m losing my best friend one of my friend is about to kill himself another friend is lying to me i m done i can t hold on i just can t i m done i m just so done i m ready to die i ve been ready to die so i m about to write my note and pick a time and day and hopefully i won t be alive much longer,Depression +40382,curse this planet curse that most woman want an above average penis size curse most woman enjoy above average size curse i can t do anything to change mine curse i will always be inferior and never satisfy anyone fully curse that life made my life hopeless from the day i wa born curse people who get mad at me for giving up when there literally nothing i can do curse the people who dont take my problem seriously curse this planet i will go kill myself now,Depression +40383,i m struggled with suicidal thought for the best part of year majority of my life i ve spent fighting myself thing that happened in my childhood have such a deep and agressive hold on my self esteem no matter what i do i don t feel confident in myself i can t even drink a coffee without getting into a fit of anxiety it s never been this lucid to the point i m planning exactly how i want to do it don t want to reach out to anyone because i ve pretended to be fine for so long couldn t imagine what it would to my mom but can t see myself ever getting better enough to enjoy my life absolutely lost,Depression +40384,i 0m have had a rough past year my brother ha been in and out of psychiatric institute due to drug induced psychosis changed major life choice around my recent ex of year and am now living by myself in a college town doing all online class all of my friend are hour away and i can not seem to find connection with anybody where i live currently my mental health is on a steady decline despite being on medication and having therapy i drink alone frequently self harm almost every other day and when i try to get ahead i m constantly being pulled back i ve considered killing myself during the height of these past event yet for the first time i am enticed by the idea while having a relatively clear and calm conscious my studio apartment is hell for me a i am stuck in my head almost indefinitely i have no motivation to work on school or go to work regularly despite being a relatively driven person both ex i ve ever had see me a an emotionally abusive and controlling person and seem to have a lot of hatred for me i have always tried my best to be loving to everybody and never intentionally wronged them yet i allow them to hold power over my life even though i never see them after explaining these circumstance to my therapist she told me that it doe not classify a emotional abuse yet i still cling to those word i feel like i ruin everything around me without ever trying every time i get into my car i think about how easy it would be to just speed into a building of off a cliff i honestly don t know if i d be around to type this if i had a gun the only thing holding me back is my family and few close friend but sometimes i can completely disassociate from that reality the future scare the living hell out of me and i don t think i have a place on this earth people always say it get better but i have trouble believing that anymore i ve failed a a boyfriend brother son when all i ve ever wanted wa for people to see my true intention i don t want to go on living if it mean i continue to hurt people that i love,Depression +40385,i really hate everything about myself i hate what i sound like look like my body my personality i really can t do this anymore and i won t try to i really wish i looked so much different wasn t a annoying a chatterbox i hate that i know i won t get better people call me a fighter for my disease but i hate it i wish i didn t have the clusterfuck of shit inside me i wish i wa pretty or maybe cute a cute cat a rabbit man something so i won t have to understand what people say about me i hate my body but i use fashion a my coping mechanism i never really wa able to my ex didn t like me wearing anything form fitting or revealing now that i can i find out that i probably don t have a lot of time to also definitely not the fund to when i wear something i like i feel nice and free but i also hate what i see in the mirror i said i wanted to be a cat or a rabbit but maybe a rock instead just chilling by the beach on the sand or some stream maybe a kid will take me and glue me on some paper glue sand rock seashell glitter amalgamation which will eventually be thrown in the trash to god know where i just don t want to be able to comprehend anything any word any judgement sound stupid laughable and i agree i don t know anything about the idea of reincarnation but when i kill myself tonight i guess i will hope to be a rock lol,Depression +40386,being gay is so fucking lonely everyone is either busy making their crotch gobblins or busy with their so i come from a super religious family and am not financially stable by myself so i just have to sit on the corner alone and watch everyone else enjoy life i have no one to talk to i dont have any friend id feel comfortable talking about this with and warmlines feel fake a fuck i hate how straight men treat every get together a an excuse to find someone to fuck but i also feel lile a fucking weirdo for not liking woman in latin america where im from people think gay men want to be woman and every comedy show make fun of u i just feel like an object not a human an effigy created to be ridiculed and ostracized a thing that help straight people feel better about themselves by being a freak a useful object like a gay best friend or le of a man i know this will sound petty but it also hurt seeing so many beautiful men and knowing that i would never be able to be with them im also pretty ugly and gay men tend to be quite vain im not muscular im too hairy to be a femboy or a twink and im not a bottom like most people would expect of me i just feel like i dont fit in anywhere and no one will love me,Depression +40387,i ve oded twice and they know i sh and the mental health team ha done fuck all sort of threatening to kill people how do you get committed i get that you can go private but i m broke i literally want to stab myself and don t know what to do so,Depression +40388,i dont want to write this because i feel like im disrespecting the people that actual suffered from suicide but i dont want to live without her she want no contact at all and she wa all that made me happy i miss her,Depression +40389,i fucking hate myself i deserve to die i should get run over by a train i deserve to fucking bleed until i die i need to die my mental health depends on my grade but my grade depend on my mental health i cant fucking take this im so tierd of all this i just wan na be normal i just want my family to understand that it hard it fucking hard but they dont understand i need to die i cant take this anymore im so exausted i cant take this i cant fucking take this why cant i be fucking normal,Depression +40390,currently i m under and life is hell i have ptsd i wa sexually assaulted at my mom didn t feed me when i didn t do all my homework every day didn t oh and ofc ma hit me when i cried and gaslight me to believe my dad wa actually the abusive one she wa also anti vax and flat earth right when the ptsd started to get better life decided naaaaah i like you in pain so during covid i masked and baisicly hid in my apartment like a bunker i caught covid so you might say so what well guess the duck what turn out i had a dormant gene that cause lupus and covid sparked it and now mom traumatized me so that i never asked for help so now you have lupus literally causing organ failure and i m not going to the hospital my god i wish i died and ducking ofc i lived but not without permanent pain and needing harsh medicine for the rest of my life don t forget about school im at my dad now but guess what he care more about my grade than my physical and mental health so when my grade tanked he yell and guilted me into working harder and i m in the gifted program so i recive a workload nearly x my grade level and now lupus is in the story meaning i can t do school well anymore i have no social life due to being in an enriched class nobody doe anything but work so no friend in fact i got bullied and shoved context if i fall i can t get up due to lupus me around so no suppor there i wa already suicidal before the lupus and now i m in constant agony mentally and physicaly oi i m lesbian and my family is half homophobic and half racist my only friend just us me to get sympathy point for taking care of me nobody even care that every few second it feel like 00 knife are stabbing me that s not hyperbole i am in that much pain that i can not sleep 9 pain make it hard to sleep and no sleep make the pain worse then i get stressed about my grade and then i sleep le and the pain get worse 0 i m just a burden on my family lupus is a very hard condition to live with and it s even harder on dad wallet all i do is just cost him more money my dad yell at me to stop faking when i m having a flash back mom come back electric boogaloo nobody care about how i feel all i do is work work work all day even now i had to lie to dad that i m working in my room to write this my sister fat shame me my dad tell me his grandma had it worse holocaust survivor my nena guilt me into saying i m fine and doing more all dad care about are grade my brother is never there my friend only care about themselves and say they have it worse i just want the pain to stop please i just want it to end i m in constant pain my life is hell and i m in so much pain breathing hurt and there is nothing the doctor can do,Depression +40391,i m 9 i m in recovery for marijuana addiction i want to quit juuling soon it s making me so depressed and anxious i feel financially insecure i m not happy at my job and oftentimes time i feel suicidal i don t want to rely on med have any of you felt this way and made drastic change and turned it all around this is absolutely the most depressed i ve ever been and i ve never thought about suicide this much before i m seeing a therapist but ultimately i want to start leading a well rounded life with healthy coping mechanism that don t involve health insurance ha anyone ever done this have you gone through a dark era where suicide wa on your mind constantly but then you turned it around need some hope some story that make me think it s possible,Depression +40392,i don t know i don t know i don t know i really really don t know what is going on and i am very confused and afraid for the last year and some change i have not been able to avoid the constant intense desire to violently commit suicide i fight it by trying to think hard about my family and friend and dog and all the good thing in life i have to life for but i am tired of fighting my own brain this hard every single moment of the day there are many many day where it feel like i reach my absolute breaking point and i think i m going to do it but then if i let a couple of hour go by or smoke some weed i feel fine great even but thats the thing i never really know when that s going to end i don t know the next time i ll feel better or the next time i ll feel this low it just kind of hit me and catch me off guard every single time i have always had intense emotional problem even since early childhood and i recall having suicidal ideation at even like or year old i have been diagnosed a bipolar a year ago but i absolutely believe i have a wild case of bpd i have thought that since high school but only in these recent sophomore and junior year of college have the suicidal ideation have become intense urge it feel like i have tried every other option to try to feel happy better but they all either don t work to work for a short time and eventually fail i ve tried therapy last year for the first time thru my school it wa okay they put me on mg abilify and that helped a bit seemed when i wa on the med i would often joke to myself i m glad im on these med because if i wasn t i wa definitely going to kill myself but i dont take them anymore my mother wa very concerned about all the side effect i wa having random spell of fainting or vomiting and heavily encouraged me to get off it and she also mentioned that maybe my emotional problem were intensified by the sudden condition from covid on a teenager well i wa back then and that everyone wa going through a hard time and that made sense to me so i decided to get off it i dont think i ll be able to afford it anyway after college but thats just some side background info there are time i have blanked and scared myself and that s what make me feel like my life is in danger sometimes there wa a time last year during an episode i just started stabbing my arm repeatedly with my cuticle nipper manicure tool thing it broke the skin but they were all obviously very tiny it always scared me looking back because i think if it wa a razor blade or a knife or something it would have killed me i didn t even know what i wa doing my emotion were so strong and i just started doing it there wa another time this year where during another episode i mindlessly drove to target early in the morning to get a fresh pack of razor blade to cut myself with i did not realize what i wa doing until i got all the way back home and wa trying to figure out how to work the razor blade dispenser it just hit me wow did i really just get in my car drive 0 min to target and buy nothing but razor blade to cut myself and maybe kill myself with this is where i worried i wa getting out of control and might actually do it one day i am scared it is soon i don t want it to be but i am scared it might be the urge is so strong there are time i feel no longer in complete control of my action i am scared i am checking the box for someone who is experiencing a mental health emergency but i don t know if i really am or if im just someone who is overdramatic sensitive life inexperienced privileged and attention seeking there are time i fear that i am being attention seeking and being manipulative with my emotion even when i am alone and express them and don t talk to anyone irl about it that confuses me the most but i can never really be sure which lead me to reddit sometimes i think back on my thought if that make sense and look back at previous question i ve asked and don t know if they are normal or not to a degree i know they aren t but i don t know if it s really that bad i am afraid sometimes that if i do kill myself all these thing along with my search history music taste social behavior substance abuse problem shit i ll admit it etc etc are all indicative of someone who is going to kill themselves i look in the mirror and see someone who is going to kill themselves soon i dont want to do it i dont want to do it i always think to myself am i going to be a suicide statistic are these all the inevitable sign and symptom am i about to be one of the of college student to kill themselves this thought distress me very much i have never attempted suicide before i personally know people and read about people online who have but when they describe their emotion i do not really relate to them it seems a though my condition is never really a serious a theirs like i said i ve never officially tried before these people have so it make me think that whatever crazy shit is going on in my head i just need to get over i wish so desperately that i could do that i think i am just emotionally weak you can go back in my post history and see me weird post some i have hidden to avoid ridicule but i don t know how to get them back i notice people around me always ask if i m okay if i ever accidentally share the slightest tip of the iceberg of my feeling with them and the comment i get on reddit post telling me that i should seek professional help immediately i wa looking on my school s counseling website and they have a whole special section for resource for people who might need immediate help am i really one of those people am i experiencing a mental health emergency do i need to be monitored in a hospital there are time i do feel like i am a potential danger to myself but unlike depressed people i at least am able to feel great sometimes when i hear about people who come back from grippy sock vacation i really cringe at that term but thats what everyone around me seems to use they mention their trauma and abuse and i didn t really have it a bad a them i am just sensitive i come to reddit in desperation i have never known how to express my feeling on this without accidentally guilt tripping or manipulating people so i avoid talking about my feeling with people i know irl outside of therapist do i really need help like hospital help is this an emergency it feel like one but is it really please help me tl dr i dont want to kill myself but i a scared that i might or am i just being a weirdo,Depression +40393,i researched and it took me min to get a recipe for a combination of different med that will do the trick it will cost me le than a hundred but i m broke af everytime something happens now it just make me feel better because it reminds me that my decision is correct don t need my parent denying therapy but then complaining about my behavior don t need my bfs stupid rule and controlling behavior don t need a place in a world where i m scared of so many people where i m angry at so many people where the rise of feminism tell me that men are overdramatic and whatnot where it s racist to call a dish shitty that s from another culture where people will comment on my look and send deaththreats or call me an internet rambo when i m hiding where there s bully that gave me social anxiety where my autism ha given me a handicap that at this point is out of control where i outzone while driving and almost run over a a dude where i have to understand everyone while nobody understands me i do not need this negativity,Depression +40394,i ve been on med for a few year now which have worked for the most part up until last year i contracted an illness which gave me stomach problem and the issue ha kind of persisted ever since my health ha never been great eating disorder and weight issue mainly a well a really unsightly skin but this stomach issue ha taken what life i had away and now a much a i m not screaming and cry about wanting to die it almost feel like a logical step at this point i want to live i want to have a life and live it freely to the fullest but i m trapped now in this body and have to cancel most plan i do make if i couldn t work from home i d probably be jobless and the work that is site based i let people down on a lot which i hate i feel like a failed experiment of a human that should just be put in the bin i feel guilty because of the somewhat privilege i do have but that s still not been enough i ve failed myself and now my body is failing me there s also a history of cancer and tumour in my family which make me scared that i ll lose the ability to use my limb just like my mom and i don t have anyone in my life to take care of me like she doe what s the point in just sitting around and waiting for that time to come every week is a fight to get back on track but it s always step forward and or back i m scared to die but i don t feel like i have a choice i m just putting off the inevitable i don t even know the best way to do it i m even too much of a coward there s always been this one little bit of hope holding me back but that light of hope is getting dimmer by the day,Depression +40395,what to do when depression is so bad you can t function properly i shower every day and i don t brush my teeth once every few week and i fear that it will cause problem in the future i just ate like donut and chip i m not fat btw lol and i can t fucking bring myself to get out of bed i don t know why,Depression +40396,hello it s getting hard for me i don t know if i m really suicidal or not but i wish i could just not wake up i think about that every night before going to bed and when waking up i hate myself for this i clearly don t have that much problem in life i don t have money problem i have friend i am healthy yet there are time where i just feel so crushed and it hurt so much to keep on living people have it muc worse and they are still doing so much better and i have trouble getting up in the morning and doing simple thing i don t have any hope to find happiness in the future my therapist try to help me and is very nice but it s just not enough i have felt like this for too long it just never end and not existing would just solve it all in the end we all end up dying i don t want to just continue living just to see what it s like i just want to end it sometimes yes it s selfish but i won t be conscious anymore to see myself be sad from my decision anyway yes there are thing that i like in life but honestly when i m in a bad state i don t care anymore i don t look forward to those thing and i just want a realease from the mental pain don t worry tho i don t have the gut to do anything anyway and i m not looking for help or advice i am just rambling and expressing how i m feeling because it make me feel a tiny bit better to let it all out if you read it all well thank you,Depression +40397,let me explain if you have suicidal thought or behavior technically your not well mentally but if you do drug just time or just for experience it s not a big deal you won t be trapped down watched in a mental hospital taking medication or like abortion it s a woman s body and choice into abort a baby and we should respect their decision but what if a person is cutting or hurting themselves it s a problem even tho it s their decision into doing it but doctor and therapist say it s wrong and something is wrong with them mentally why,Depression +40398,when i slit my wrist we will see it s a 0 0 at this point,Depression +40399,for the past week or so i ve been what i can best describe a lonely maybe even despondent i ve been trying to find way to keep myself from having that hole in my chest form again but it keep happening it s so familiar and safe yet it seems to make me feel like i ll forever be alone and dead every memory of my childhood ha been flooding my brain i want it to stop i hate reliving those memory my body feel like it s caked in slime no matter how many time i shower and try to scrub away the feeling of hand on me i can t get them off me i just want them to stop touching me i don t know why i m feeling this way either i saw my friend i ve actually been trying to take care of myself but this feeling keep coming back and pulling down to a bottomless pit of hell i really want to feel better again not like this,Depression +40400,tired of detail just going to get to the point i have attempted before and lately i ve been feeling like attempting again might try to think of a plan or talk myself out of it idk yet we ll see how life treat me the next few day,Depression +40401,it s so stupid but my body ache i have never felt so sad before im so emotionally and physically drained i don t care about myself anymore i hate myself and the stupid relationship i wa in it ruined me all i want to do is take a bunch of pill and curl up into a ball i have no friend who i can talk to either im so lonely i don t talk to anyone and i feel so isolated and crazy who knew i would end up like this i feel ashamed i still have the suicide letter i wrote a year ago there s nothing i want to change about it,Depression +40402,what if one day i just end it all and die then all my effort shall gone wasted those who care about me shall get angry about how i got defeated but everything will end on the day i die it s not hard to kill myself ya know just kill there are so many way i can do that what if i dont want to fight anymore fuck depression imma just give up what if i just let go and go self harm go deep in anorexia idk it s not that hard to let go my effort maybe someday ill die randomly it wont be surprising to anyone i ve been suicidal for so long who know if i just give in to an urge one day boom im dead haha maybe ill be dead by tomorrow maybe after a while maybe after a few week you ll never know you ll never know i ll kill and end it all,Depression +40403,idk what to do i dont wan na live but i dont wan na live either wtf should i do,Depression +40404,please don t judge me for what i do or how i m handling my current situation i don t have the capacity to get a job so i m a hooker and i barely get any client sadly i don t even make enough to eat i don t have a place of my own i give whatever i make to roommate so they can afford rent gas grocery etc i dreamed of being a mom and teacher since freshman year i wanted to attend university but my mom forced me out of school at and now i m almost 0 still no education no job nothing i know that this will probably be a rash decision but nobody will really care anyways i have no other way out i am just a street loser like my entire family and like my mom wanted me to be,Depression +40405,my plan wa to be dead by the end of march i couldn t muster the courage to put the bag over my head and turn the valve so i m just stuck here now left sitting here by myself with all my friend cutoff no car no job no hope not gon na be able to cover my bill this month i m a fucking waste please someone come over here and blow my brain out,Depression +40406,sorry about the structure being bad in this i just need to write down my thought i genuinely don t see the point in living anymore i might a well just kill myself now and save myself from the bleak future that is coming with climate change war famine and all this other stuff that is going to happen and show no sign of stopping i might a well just kill myself now before it all go horrible the only thing really keeping me from doing it is the thought of my family and how devastating it would be for them to lose their son i m still young i haven t got a guaranteed future what s the point,Depression +40407,i have bi polar disorder and per my therapisti have dismisive atrachment issue but right now i am struggling probably worse than i have in a while in a drunken fit i deleted almost all of the number in my phone so i had no one to reach out to i even called by sister but found myself hanging up after the first ring because i don t want to bother her i am in a low point right now and i can t pull myself out of it i feel so weak my life is the best it ha ever been i have all of the reason to be happy and yet i am here i right now contemplating feeling like i am at the end of my rope i have the life i have always dreamed of and i just feel like i can t hack it anymore i can feel myself breaking at the seems my thought are everywhere i do y know where i am at right now but i am scared i feel like of i reach out to my family they will say i am doing it for attention,Depression +40408,i just don t care anymore i don t care what happens anymore just fucking kill me i m done i don t have the will to do this anymore i realize no matter what i do my life will always get worse so i should just do it and get it over with i tried i waited year for it to get better but that s not going to happen my health is shit my mental health is shit and my mind just keep processing way to get the job done i wish i would have drowned asa child because than i wouldn t know this pain and i d have le to leave behind i would have at least had some level of hope before departing but life a bitch and then you die i know the end will come before the end of this year but now i m certain the timeline ha been moved up more like month maybe it will be today maybe tomorrow i don t know yet but i won t see because i have no desire to live that long i don t care anymore this whole world s a poorly written joke anyways where some will struggle till death and others will constantly have thing work out than the asshole will tell you oh it get better well i ve waited long enough and i m done playing this game i don t care anymore i know i have undiagnosed ptsd and i know who is responsible and that they ll never be punished i can barely even get people in my own family to believe me about the cause i m so tired of this world so tired of everything i have no use for a god so i can only ask of nature no matter what label i give it the request is the same please kill me and return me to the earth leaving behind not even a memory erase every trace of my existence and make everyone forget me that is my only wish at this point,Depression +40409,it s almost funny i don t want you to feel like i m giving up i m just worried that you ll start to resent therapy or resent me,Depression +40410,for context i m a yr old mom of two kid my daughter is and my son is month i have been struggling with all type of mental illness for a long a i can remember i wa raised by a narcissist alcoholic mom and a dad who wa barely there because he wa working to support u i have attempted to take my life more than time and have been hospitalized for my mental health and nothing seems to help i m in therapy and on med and i am just tired of fighting myself i just want it all to stop my husband is never really home do you work and i m all alone all the time with our kid the only reason i m still alive is because they need me not even because i want to be alive there is nothing enjoyable for me anymore every time i think about it i cry i cry for my kid who deserve a better mom and a better life i cry for my husband who doesn t understand what it s like to feel this way and think i should just be ok i cry because i want it all to end so badly and i can t even do that right i m not still here because i want to be and i feel so much guilt for that i just want to feel normal and sometimes it feel like dying is the only way to make it stop,Depression +40411,i feel like wanting to die why do i not have friend i feel soo empty lonely i mean i do have a lot of people i talk to on a daily basis but for some reason i feel the need to always have someone almost all the time with me like if i stay alone for hour i feel lonely it is weird i just wish to be happy i don t want to kill myself,Depression +40412,my imagination is not vivid enough to have faith in god spirit and the afterlife death will come no matter what and when it come your consciousness dissappears you don t feel pain you don t feel happiness you don t feel sadness you feel nothing and you think nothing you simply cease to exist but i respect those who want to live it s futile sure but i respect their decision the thing is if you want to live then you have to be strong in order to make it through all the hardship life throw at you weakling will only hinder the strong there are those who wa weak but then became stronger and then there are those like me who stay weak and doesn t have the will to get stronger my friend my family my relative and my neighbor all do their job despite not really liking them while i m just lying here not wanting to do anything if god actually existed he would be a sadist for putting me in such a strong body i once eat on the same table with two covid 9 patient without catching it or maybe he s also a weakling who can never get thing right my body should ve been used by someone stronger than me like steven hawking then i would kill myself once our body got exchanged he is someone who can actually contribute to the world of the living my death would be that by hanging once i m dead all people have to do is untie the rope and throw me into the fire they won t have to waste time finding my body they won t have to scrape my brain and blood off the wall and i will make sure to write a note telling the police that i have not been murdered by anyone directly or indirectly everyone will go on with their life and maybe forget who i am which is definitely a good thing those thought are like an immortal entity i can do nothing but run away from it by distracting myself with anime meme game novel music self harm that entity however would simply sit down and wait patiently because it know full well that no matter what i do i would still stumble into it hand,Depression +40413,i just can t take it i didn t even have serious trauma it wa my fault and still i can t get over it it s been three year i said i forgave him for forcing me to have sex so many time so many month so many thing i wa young i didn t know how sex should work i didn t even consider my voice mattered i m so sorry for my younger self i didn t help her and now everything is my fault i just will never be able to love someone again to have any sexual intimacy i miss who i wa romantic passionate innocent i m just starting to realize how everything i do is related to this how can i be so slow the nightmare the panic attack when i feel my voice isn t listened to how i keep getting drunk and letting some random dude fuck me because it give them pleasure if i start it maybe it mean i am in control if i have sex maybe it mean it wasn t such a big deal but i can t take it sober i have only had sex sober once and drunk way too many i hurt so much the day after i try to forget can t take it anymore i can t forget all these people touching me how much they enjoy it i did this myself i let them i wa never raped it s my fault i m this miserable i want to hate those guy i think i do but i let them some people consider they only lost their virginity the first time they actually wanted to have sex it s funny to think i can be a virgin after so many time no one need to read this i m sorry i just need to say it at least once i can never say it up to recently i didn t even believe anything had happened i know i don t deserve any sympathy after how i did this myself i don t need any just hear me out,Depression +40414,this is it i m sorry but i can t do this anymore i m tired and alone and i used up my resource to help me survive but it s over now i know my ex will be happier without me around and i know he will take care of our cat a i would it s going to suck not being alive anymore but i m done struggling to breathe i m exhausted i m bled dry i hope my friend and family can forgive me,Depression +40415,i am a late 0 s man in canada i have discovered i am bisexual my friend and family would be shocked i have always been with woman my whole life until last weekend i wa helping a coworker and his wife move we were finished and i needed to use the bathroom before i left when i came out they asked me straight out if i wanted to have sex with them i wa taken aback for sure but i felt my fantasy wa coming true it wa a wondeful experince never had a man give me oral sex before and i returned the favou http favour no r now i feel like my friend and family will reject me and i feel i should just end my life and aviod the hassle my http hassle my life is worthless and i feel after this happened i am done,Depression +40416,is it somewhat normal that i want to attempt suicide just to prove to myself that i m actually depressed and suicidal and that i m brave and not a coward sometimes i don t think i m even depressed and that i m just feeling very lonely and numb sometimes i feel like i need to do very dangerous thing so that i don t feel weak and like a failure since people much younger than me commit suicide all the time,Depression +40417,y male so for the last couple of year i ve been sad depressed at first not too bad like just gloomy but progressively stronger but maybe for the last maybe year to year and a half it s gotten pretty dark everything seems meaningless for a little back ground i m in a very healthy relationship my relationship with my parent wa pretty good for the most part up until recently but everything s o k just regular petty thing i grew up an only child spent allot of time alone parent worked day allot love them for it so i ve gotten pretty good at hiding most of anything that s going on all smile and small talk but recently i get this deep deep sadness it almost feel like i m in a vast dark room by myself screaming but it s silent and then i think of a bliss darkness like if only i could keep my eye shut it ll all go away when i feel like this i hide in a dark room usually cry i don t really know why i didn t proof read this i ve never told any one these thing and i feel like if i read it back i m gon na back out and erase it so sorry if it s all messed up,Depression +40418,i married my fianc from another nationality and moved to his country south korea i ve been here for almost three month and thing have been rough my husband work all day at least 0 hour a day and when he ha free time all we do is fight he s even violent sometimes i am an online teacher and he keep my money he doesn t allow me to get a real job until i learn korean but i am struggling with it i spent all my saving to move in here so literally i have no money we live with his parent and they are nice but at the same time overprotective i don t have freedom to go out they tell me what to eat what to wear they take all the decision in my life i feel controlled and my husband agrees with that also i don t have any friend i don t feel loved by my husband and i don t love him anymore even one of his friend treat me better i am completely alone i told my parent i want to go back home and they said i have to fight for my marriage so no support from them or another family member i think my only way to feel free is dying so i don t know if i can handle this situation anymore,Depression +40419,i d rather not exist,Depression +40420,i m so tired of living today i had a lot of panic attack at school and my mom had to come for me hour before the school period ended i feel so worthless today i had a lot class who stress me so much i hate it so much i m tired of living and trying because yes dad i m trying i swear i m trying if only you were more comprehensive and stopped calling me a crybaby and stupid maybe i would feel better,Depression +40421,so the next fall is deeper and harder to bear each time there s one little glimmer of hope i know that it s ephemeral and could be gone the next day but i can t stop myself from getting lost in it thinking maybe this time it could be real for a while and some time it doe lurking there for a while like just right then but when it s lost it s going down ten time worse than the last and the anxious and unbearable state i m in is urging me to destroy myself even more it s like being locked inside a transparent box full of insect and reptile crawling over me it s slowburn and icky and suffocating i just want to bite my tongue off quick to release myself from the situation but i m still scared of the monstrous pain that act would cause me and if i m not dead immediately it s grotesque i made a first post here a while ago just to let it out i don t think anyone would care but i got called a very nasty stupid word like i m always afraid would happen if i even complain in real life so i don t even want to talk about it right now i just can t take any more anxiety i don t even want to think about it and write them down anyway same shit all over again why don t i get used to it when it keep happening am i that weak it s like how dare you have depression and suicidal attempt if your life look like you re having a fucking blast believe me it s all a big facade i m putting up so i could delay the speed of this horrible decay inside me to feel a bit bearable to last one more day but nowadays i just stop giving a fuck and destroy everything in my life and lock myself inside my room i use humor and shit to cope so i think at least there s one good thing coming from this right now is that i couldn t eat a thing so i m getting thinner to bone and skin like i always wish and if i die right now i could look prettier than ever before i m glad you read until now and i do appreciate that it make me feel a bit bearable for now my anxiety level keep shooting through the roof i just try really really hard to not harm myself and fall to the pit again,Depression +40422,i have no one to tell this so i want to throw it here maybe i will delete it my mind kill me but i just wanted to let some guy see what i struggle with my entire life i wa a disgrace i am not able to run like others to shitty reflex an ugly body a weak brain had a terrible social life that my entire life i dreamed about being noticed by the people smiling finding some people that can bear my voice what flow from my mouth but thats the long story i wanted to move out of my country to europe but i failed again just like i failed my entire life i am just a simple failure not successful at one simple thing i am just lost i am just late no where to go i have to leave the home i am losing my youth i don t remember laughing once for month i have nothing i am nothing it hurt so much watching your youth slipping away from your hand the only thing i have one and only now i want to end my life atleast it will al end i just want to escape i am just so weak i cant take it anymore i cant a weak sperm i wa not even able to compete in equal condition when were same age same class now i am just done it hurt so much i also have to leave the house stay with nothing again i cant take my abusive parent anymore i am also very ashamed that i waste their money too many people in worse condition were able to accomplish atleast simple task me who even i am i wish i just could move on think about something else but no even in that i am bad i am just a clown people remember me a someone hillarious i am planning to kill myself i cant take all that anymore,Depression +40423,ironically my fear of loneliness is what kill my healthiest friendship in the end i love the world so much i really do enjoy being alive sometimes but it s not worth the time when i feel like everything is crashing down on me that s been every day lately on and off for year my greatest fear is being a burden on other people and i m a burden on everyone i know i ve had bad patch before and thing got better but knowing there will be a bad patch again make the joy feel empty i m so stupid i am trying to arrange thing so they hurt everyone a little a possible i know this will hurt many people i love i feel like such an evil person i cry too much i m cry writing this i wish i wa stronger and not so afraid all the time,Depression +40424,i thought i would kill myself but i freed myself instead i went to a crisis center now i am taking a stand and speaking my truth i am telling everybody about the abuse i suffered a a child my entire family is against me but i am standing strong anyway god made me unbreakable and all of you too you just have to find a way to believe believing in myself wa the hardest thing i had to learn how to do but it can be done and i love you all,Depression +40425,lasy year or so i ve been telling myself i dont know what to do i stopped playing video game i stopped watching youtube i stopped watching netflix i just play random phone game that isnt me i ve literally thought about how cult kinda give people reason im smart enough to not join a cult will i always have the will though im losing it daily i want reason i dont have reason no reason at all to do anything i have a job it isnt nice i want to quit i want reason,Depression +40426,after these few day i ve slowly started to realize something i m a living bad omen i have so many issue i m so mentally ill so many disability my life ha never been the slightest bit normal nothing is ever easy i m stuck in an asian household i m probably gon na forcefully get married be a housewife and get forced to have child i m not even a woman but this is a very religious country that belief what you are is what gender your assigned at birth i did fall in love really hard but he s across the world from me his mom hate me and everyone is against our relationship and i m causing him more harm than anything and he keep trying regardless to be with me i hate that i feel so bad because i m not worth it and it s not going to amount to anything these few day proved to me that i just have to accept that my life wa meant to be a misery so many problem so many illness cant even go to school i ve already attempted today didn t work i wasn t strong enough so now i m just injured i ve got absolutely nothing going for me i m just wasting my parent money for food and clothes they just wanted a normal kid who can make them proud i can t even leave the fucking house i can barely even see god decided to give me every single bit of ugliness there is in the world and i m slowly starting to accept that i wa rebelling against it for awhile i can still amount to something the world can t hate me forever but i know it isn t true i wish i could pas in my sleep or be able to get a noose to tie on my ceiling fan waking up every day is an absolute misery for me and i m just causing more pain to everything and everyone around me imagine living a life where you can t even look in the mirror that s me i have never once willingly looked in the mirror god won t give me anything and i ve stopped expecting anything at this point death is my only savior because life hold nothing for me only failure hatred instability and vulnerability,Depression +40427,i now think about suicide constantly i feel like it is my only option in the long term i will never finish school and be able to hold down a job i will never be able to be stable enough to give my wife child i can t live up to anything anyone expects of me i am stuck though my death would be a catastrophe in my wife s life and my brother s life and i have a few friend who would be devastated a well also and i really hate to say this but the biggest reason i can t is because i can t leave my dog with anyone else he is very attached to me and no one else and would be very unhappy without me so i am stuck i can t function despite 0 year of trying medication and therapy i have no will to live except not to hurt people around me i hate this,Depression +40428,there s just so much and i can t bear all of it and god there s the dumb bullshit that hurt me too like being ugly horrifyingly utterly hideous i get disgusted and want to vomit or scream whenever i look at myself in the mirror i just want to press a button and die,Depression +40429,i wish i could just be normal and happy i have no friend and can t work i am just so tired of everything constant letdown and failure i cry and throw up over the littlest thing i barely even go out anymore cause when i do i see group of friend laughing and talking people will never understand,Depression +40430,this so called life changing drug ruined my life permanently it gave me permanent sexual issue some sort of emotional issue there seems to be no recovery from this ive never been like this before i only had anxiety it a syndrome called pssd from ssri whats hope amp x 00b amp x 00b,Depression +40431,i am so alone in this world and it is such a pain it s so hard for me to function properly it seems everything is a trigger to me now loud noise well any noise being around people talking everything make me want to relapse im gaining weight which ha never happened i m so ashamed and embarrassed yesterday i ate so much i couldn t even stand up straight and had terrible stomach cramp and felt like vomiting i even started to have chest pain too whether i eat or starve myself it seems i am still digging myself into a grave so tired of people asking me if i m in college and then telling me i need to go when i respond no i am not in college why do people feel entitled to tell me who to be and what to do with my stupid fucking life i can t even take care of myself how the hell am i supposed to balance a job and college im sick i have nobody that love me and i believe that s part of the problem the thing i hate the most is when i hear others talk about how they are lonely too meanwhile they have friend and a family to turn to i m so sick and tired of people lying to me i can t believe this is the best life ha to offer me i m so embarrassed my life wa over such a long time ago if i killed myself now there would be no big difference everything and everyone will go on,Depression +40432,i broke up with my so and honestly i think that wa the last thing keeping me from wanting to end thing and it felt like it came out of nowhere without even a chance to fix thing i feel so alone i barely have any friend left everyone from high school moved on everyone from college moved away i ve always had trouble with friend and every time i think i make them they get stripped away or i just become a periphery friend who never get added to the group chat i feel incapable of functioning a a normal human and i can t handle being alone my job is remote so i can t even make work friend i can t be completely by myself day a week it feel like solitary confinement i got an adhd diagnosis recently but my therapist doesn t even talk about my emotional issue they just focus on if the medication is helpful it is i don t know how to ask for help with anxiety and depression my family ha been distant and i don t know how to talk to them about this stuff my mental health always got ignored growing up compared to other member of my family even though the adhd stuff wa super clear in retrospect because of the adhd i ended up a shell of myself a a coping mechanism and that drive people away every relationship end badly or shrivels up and dy i m failing at my job and might have to quit or get fired because i m week behind my pet is dying i didn t renew my lease because i thought i d be moving with my ex to a new city so now i don t even have an apartment for the fall and potentially am still moving there because i need to get away from where i am right now and i have a lease i could sign which is definitely not the healthiest choice and there s some really bad trauma that i don t even want to mention here that alone could drive someone to feeling like this when i told my ex how i wa feeling they ignored it even though they were the first person i ever told i felt that way i ll make sure to tell them it isn t their fault but to be honest it definitely added to thing i don t even need them back i just wanted someone to help me get the therapy i need literally everything in my life need to start fresh and i can t do it i don t see the point why start literally everything over when you re haunted by the ghost of your past and will end up doing the same shit i m not ugly dumb or out of shape but if my personality just stay so shitty and i can t fix it what s the point my building ha a th story roof i can get on i m gon na climb up and jump off when i get the courage i have some text already written out telling people it isn t their fault i set my bank up to donate to a local animal shelter i cleared my browsing history and threw out anything weird from my apartment i went up last night but only didn t do it because i got cold the only thing stopping me is how awkward the funeral would be and the pain i d cause my parent and honestly i don t think that s enough,Depression +40433,i can t take my ocd and thing i ve done like played virtual game and had a male friend i feel like a terrible girlfriend also i can t take living here with my parent at almost year old they re abusive mentally but they re right i m never gon na make it in life,Depression +40434,i ll have all the equipment by thursday i ve worked out how much rent to send my flatmate to cover a couple month i m getting rid of my clothes by the end of the week i ve written some letter and am going to print out a sheet of my important detail i m dreading it so much but i also can t wait time feel so slow and agonising and every time i fall asleep i think what a waste it is to be unconscious and not die in that comfort i don t feel like anyone will miss me but the hard part is i don t want anyone to have to deal with any admin i don t want anyone to have to plan anything it ll be good to go but i hate the fact that someone will have to clean after me i wish i could just disappear instead life is really hard and i don t know how people do it i never understood how people make friend or fall in love or make other people like them i watch people learn to hate me and i don t know what i m doing wrong or how to stop it i ve been alone for my life even my parent didn t want me and i ll be alone for the rest of it if i stay alive i wish i had something good to offer that people liked but i don t know what anyone want or how to give it to them i don t know what they hate either apparently because i m giving them that without even realising,Depression +40435,my life is essentially perfect i have a good family great friend loving pet and a fantastic home with opportunity galore but i still want to end it all to take that trip down a road that i can t come back from in theory i should not be sad but i am and nothing help people in this world starve to death and some of my friend don t even have parent left because of terrible accident but something a simple a having a slightly bad day make me want to give up how do they keep going after such awful event i am not even worthy of feeling sad about my life let alone end it why do i feel selfish enough to feel this way and to act a if i should be allowed to be depressed,Depression +40436,i want to hurt myself to feel the suffer and hate towards myself for the pain i want to cry so hard i choke and get one of the worst death i want to regret when it s to late so it could hunt me down when i m dying i despise myself and want the worste for me but since i m too pathetic i will not do it also i feel like the only way to see a psychiatric is to survive death i want a dig i want more med i want stronger one,Depression +40437,i am just a kid with a deformity i am in such constant misery i have no friend and i dont even feel human all i do is get made fun of and i cant take it anymore i just want to end it,Depression +40438,i feel so lonely and empty nothing fill that hole i have to live in a fantasy in my head to try and get some love and appreciation but a soon a i come back to reality all of it is gone i want this life to end i can t take it anymore,Depression +40439,age nojob sleeping thinking of suicide,Depression +40440,feel so alone and alienated i think about hanging myself everyday and it s getting more realistic everytime i imagine it in my head i ve never been the type of person to turn to suicide but i literally have nobody i can turn to and talk to every single person i thought would be there turned out to be selfish self centered people and i ve expressed my thought about suicide and none of them care i feel like they won t until it s too late and even then they will feel relieved i don t even ask for much but i guess just being there while i fix myself is just asking too much i ve googled suicide by hanging and found out it only take seven minute to die by hanging don t even have to do it standing up either i could take a couple pill and put the noose around my neck and lay down with enough pressure on the rope to drift off to whatever is next and all i wanted wa for someone to say that my feeling matter that i matter i don t really think at this point there is any other way to stop all the hurt inside me i ve lost everything in the last year and a half that i hold near and dear to my heart i ve wrote out suicide letter to my loved one and got my retirement account going to them a well i guess subconsciously i ve been planning this out for close to a year now that i think about it i just don t understand how i didn t see how fake the people i surrounded myself and built a foundation for my life l i feel stupid and blind and used up and tossed out like yesterday trash i feel like nowhere is home anymore and my heart break for my kid but i rarely get to see them anyway who know maybe i ll actually get the ball and just do it haven t set a date or anything like that because fuck that i feel it is going to be very sudden and out of nowhere just here one minute and gone the next i never in my whole life though i would get to this point but whatever thanks for listening i appreciate whoever read this post taking the time,Depression +40441,all my colleague hate me im just so clumy and stupid spilt a bunch of milk on the floor second time this ha happened and it went on my colleague shoe and she made a sarcastic comment about it and then her and the other guy i work with were looking like they were talking about me afterwards i cant do anything right this and everything else thats going on really is not helping the suicidal thought,Depression +40442,please help me i don t want to kill myself but the world ha nothing to offer me nothing that s making me want to keep going i m terrified of death but i don t know if that s reason enough to keep going if i m going to die anyway maybe i should speed up the process already save the world the trouble because the world clearly doesn t want me i m not even a real girl i m ugly and i m not good enough at anything everybody else is so much better than me people would rather be with each other instead of me i m so forgettable but i don t want to be death is permanent isolation permanent darkness permanent loneliness and that s not what i want but i don t think me being alive is what the world want i feel like i m always the last person anybody would ever want to see at any given moment i don t want it to be that way but everybody else doe i ve tried so hard to find reason to keep going they never work they never last people leave me behind everything stop being fun people stop playing with me i m excluded from everything i m not good enough to make it in this world everything about me is wrong nothing i do is good enough i want to keep going but i have no reason to do so nobody is waiting for me nobody is coming to rescue me i have nothing why should i keep going if i m going to die anyways i m begging you for an answer because i have none,Depression +40443,i m thinking about killing myself since i m almost did it time and had multiple breakdown the last year i m now and nothing changed but i want to get better how do i tell my parent i really need some advice please,Depression +40444,i don t mean just dating wise either i ve been rejected by my family friend and pretty much everyone else last month though i went out with a girl for v day and started dating her and very recently she said she wasn t interested in me anymore and today i found out she wa already dating another person this is the second time in a row i ve been cheated on and my suicidal thought are going crazy now i just need to type this out to calm myself down i hate this i just want someone to truly love me for once whether friend or family it feel like my whole existence wa just a mistake my life suck and i just want to die right now fuck,Depression +40445,i can t do shit at this point i m spending all of my time desperately trying to find somebody who would be slightly interested in me i m really only living off my hope and scrap of imaginary satisfaction thinking that one person might be liking me for example i m so done living like this why should my biggest need also be the least satisfiable what do i do with my life,Depression +40446,why the absolute f ck is this world so f cked up every single day i see a bunch of fake as people and a shitty world nobody give a f ck about anyones feeling they just say whatever make them look cool perants don t give a shit because they didn t live with this friend or suppose to be friend are fake and don t give a shit i m the guy who walk in the back of the crowd when there s not enough room on sidewalk and i m done with this shit f ck the world f cl everyone who had made me who i am i hope you re happy,Depression +40447,all the title are relateable but all the comment are like same life suck i m currently writing my note this is just another stop before the end though i seriously doubt there is anything that can be done i ve tried every medical treatment available including experimental one been through so much therapy and i m getting nowhere there is no beating this depression and on paper i have the perfect life great job loving partner supportive parent people would kill for this life and for me it s not enough the problem is me always been me which is why nobody outside can help you can t fix what is working a intended so yeah nobody is here to actually prevent so i guess that s another note they could find after i m done,Depression +40448,i m m and i now have no one i can trust i don t know if my life is even worth living i don t know what i want to do with my life i just don t want to be here anymore but i can bc of my dad he would miss me to much i m a awful person and should be around anymore,Depression +40449,i had never even thought of suicide before because i wa too shielded from the real world and i thought that it something people do only in the most horrible situation it started when i wa at school speaking to a kid i knew only because she wa a friend of a friend we we re laughing about something when i saw the scar on her hand which couldn t have happened naturally it freaked me out to see that a kid my age with a similar background would resort to self harm and attempt suicide then i started failing in test each time i felt really low i came closer and closer to killing myself i now know how to tie a noose and what height i need to jump from in order to die at this rate i won t survive till my th birthday,Depression +40450,i ve lost everything i lost my best friend a community of people who were my only social outlet i m a failure i m i ve never been in a relationship i couldn t graduate college i m stuck working at a job which doesn t pay enough for me to afford rent so i have to live with my retirement age parent i can t find a job anywhere else i started cutting myself today never did it a a teenager but i did it now and it feel great i don t want to die but i don t see any other solution i can not afford help to me being in debt is worse than death i ve lost so much i can t go on,Depression +40451,i don t know what i deserve anymore but i guess it s all about the pain,Depression +40452,i m so sick of being in a state of breakdown and every hotline i call treat me like dogshit hang up on me like nobody fucking care and i can t take rejection after rejection after fucking rejection when nobody s ever accepted me for who i am or loved me even once all i ever do is fuck up and nobody forgives even my tiny mistake they all fucking hate me and i m sick of everyone being disgusting or selfish little slimebags get a fucking life and fuck off and quit making mine worse just because you aren t shit i can t take it i really can t take it i mean really i wa beaten nearly to death and i get hotline idiot telling me to be quiet and quit cursing like fuck you fuck you to the bastard death you useless asshole doe anyone have a shred of empathy i don t give a fuck i just wish someone gave a shit,Depression +40453,very recently my life ha been treating me absolutely horribly and i haven t been able to see anyone i ve loved or my irl crush for a week and a half now and it driving me insane because i just want to see them and i ve done nothing but sit in my room in bed and die for a week straight and i can t leave my house because i have covid btw it like i get to watch everyone else in my life go on and do the thing they ve wanted to while i m stuck in bed trying to take my life or just sleep but it never work and it never help my back ha been hurting for the longest time and i don t know if it normal or not but i can t seem to stand up straight and when i do it hurt and it hurt to walk i just want to sleep and do nothing else,Depression +40454,i had a chick year ago a baby chicken to be exact im in the middle of mental life family probs that time i dont want to talk about it long story short when i wa a split second away from jumping off the chair i heard my chick chirping so loud and i rethought my decision that day my chicken died last year but leaf me some egg now i own a poultry farm dedicated to her name thank you so much chichi,Depression +40455,i feel like i can t believe i m really going to do it i ll do trial run before to see how it go but i m relieved in a way and terrified in another way,Depression +40456,why am i always suicidal,Depression +40457,hello guy first time posting here i hope everyone is doing alright at this time i just found out my friend ha committed suicide a year ago first let me give some background my friend is such a gentle loving soul and very devoted to his religion jehovah s witness he is not the most social person around bit awkward and also had plenty of issue in the past mentally due to a rough upbringing we were good friend he d always give me encouragement and just be there for me for anything i wa cut off from the religion due to myself realizing and developing my own belief i don t have a grudge towards the religion or anything like that despite being cut off and not being able to socialize with anyone from that religion cu it s the rule also i felt awkward and embarrassed that i am cut off therefore i did not have the courage to face my friend a year passed i m on a skiing trip with my brother i asked how my friend is doing since he sometimes still go to their church so i figured he d know something he told me he passed away a year so from suicide i am shocked from the news i can t seem to comprehend or accept the fact he seemed to be very devoted to his faith and committing suicide is one of the thing that are forbidden also i feel like trash for being a horrible friend and not even checking in on him at all or at least tried to due to my insecurity my mind ha been in shamble i don t know how to make amends i don t know if i can see the parent they d just be like so now you care where were you thr whole time etc etc i wa hoping to visit his grave but he wa cremated and ash were spread somewhere now all i can think of is his obit picture smiling but i can see there s so much hurt inside that broken smile,Depression +40458,i have been having really strong thought about killing myself the last month especially the last three day i don t think i want to die but i don t want to be here anymore i m really scared i have a little boy and i can t leave him alone but i feel like i can t go on like this i suck at everything my job my life being a mother i m in debt i feel like noone care i can t see a way out i m scared,Depression +40459,i can t do it anymore i don t want to talk to anyone because i keep backtracking myself into thinking i m over exaggerating i have no social skill constantly feel like everyone around me would be better off without me better yet everyone but my parent wouldn t notice they ll hurt the most and that s what i hate so much i wish i could just not wake up tomorrow and not feel like this again i m tired of everything school is shit i want to make them proud but i just cant,Depression +40460,i lost a coworker to suicide i wa the last person he talked to at work i wonder if that ha made me think about ending it after what happened a i explained in my post about me be bisexual the leap to this mind set did not seem a far any comment would be good it http good it feel so scary bein g in this mindest,Depression +40461,there is no real deep rooted reason i want to commit suicide i just feel so blah my life feel meaningless i keep seeing myself make the same mistake i feel trapped in a cycle i keep wondering when will i ever gain self control with money and time when will i ever let go of the past when will i ever grow up i do indeed have the mean to do it but i don t fully have the incentive,Depression +40462,gon na probably be really long im sorry since saturday i have a really horrible fucking mood i can not explain tomorrow i have to study chemistry i have a test on friday go to my therapist which make me cry so fucking hard and is probably one of the major reason why i want to end myself the thing is i cant fucking do it im too scared of death but i feel like i just cant escape i just want to be fucking normal my problem are fucking bizzare and they ruin my whole life but yeah i wan na keep them to myself and wait but then i feel like my whole life ruined but i cant km it just all so fucked up and idk what to do i also have no friend and no way of finding any so that just make it worse in the end im just so fucking confused idk what to do thanks for reading this if anyone did ig,Depression +40463,i posted on the self harm sub a to why you can just look at my profile and you ll see it amp x 00b have a great day everyone,Depression +40464,i cant eat over 00 calorie ori feel horrible and i lost kg in a few week but my parent didnt notice until recently now they scream at me wheneber i dont eat and threaten to kill me and throw sfuff at me im sitting in a cornee cry afzer my dad threw his bag at me and called me a disgusting skinny bitch my mom is now saying she ha arrhythmia because of my made up problem i have mo one to talk to i have no friend and feel like just killing myself,Depression +40465,i am so low on energy that i don t even have word enough for this post i can not finish grad school and the job i m qualified to do i hate it i also can not talk frankly with anybody now given that i have suicidal tendency right now and that sound like emotional blackmail to everyone else if i express my wish also if i were to continue living it would be an embarrassment living a that middle aged woman who wanted to khs i m tired i don t want to fake anymore and i don t think i m even good at faking it either people can tell this is a sad loser,Depression +40466,why should i live i m gon na die anyways and i ve tried everything to be happy hobby job everything seems menial not to mention literally no one love me my friend have left me since i couldn t open out my shell and my family and extended family are abusive the only side that wasn t my uncle died year back it s hard to swallow but literally no one care if i did death doesn t even scare me it s just a eternal sleep that ll come and snatch me anyways so why bother and i mean this genuinely those around me seem so pleased but it just don t feel the same therapy and all just doesn t cut it and med only get me high,Depression +40467,it ha almost been month since i lost my nephew more like my brother though i wa at the time and he wa he wa the person that meant the absolute most to me we have both struggled with suicide our entire life i used to be a very emotional and empathetic person and i tried to make everyone happy i am no longer that in fact in the past year leading up to the event i had slowly lost my emotion empathy my ambition and pretty much everything that make a human human but when it happened i lost everything i wa and am no longer the person i wa i want to be happy again i want to care about people i want to care about music again i want to care about car again i want my hobby back most of all i want him back and what we had we were the same person our emotion the way we thought our diet everything affected our body the same way we thought about thing the exact same way our reaction were the same the thing we loved were the same for the most part our depression wa the same the thing that haunted u were the same the thing we were scared of were the same we were the same person i don t really know how to go on without him i have people that care about me but it doesn t matter they aren t him i don t even know why i m writing this this won t change anything i just wa listening to music he used to love and i wa finally able to cry a bit it s gone now though my feeling are gone again my life feel fake now,Depression +40468,yep at the age of le than i m already considering suicide i ve been depressed for about a year or two already and i ve thought about km but it wa always just that a thought until about a month ago maybe two month i thought about my life seriously and i realised there were extremely few thing that made me happy happy enough to keep me alive that is i decided that it might just be better without me in the equation i ve been obsessing over it and i just don t know why i have a good few reason to do it but i don t know why i keep thinking about it all the time i don t even know why i m telling y all this but i just am,Depression +40469,i have no friend that i enjoy spending time with i m about to go through my second messy breakup in the past two year the last of which got me diagnosed with ptsd my family ha done nothing but ignore me emotionally for my entire life and i fucking want out i m live with my parent because i m a minor and have lived in the country very far away from people for year now i don t really have any dream or ambition and i have had depression and anxiety for a long a i can remember i m tired of everything and i just want it to stop i m behind in schoolwork and i m just recovering from an antidepressant that worsened my feeling my school is online and i don t really have any option to interact with people other than my parent now that my partner is breaking up with me nothing really brings me happiness and i just feel like there s nothing i m going to do in life i don t want to go to college or really be successful all i really want to do is to find love but i m not even sure if that s a good ambition anymore especially since no one would actually stay with me i don t know what to do anymore,Depression +40470,so i prepared everything to just end it all cause i no longer see a future for myself i literally lost all meaning in my life and i just have no idea why i live anymore everything just feel empty and i just want it to end i guess but idk why i m even writing this i guess i might want to be helped but it just feel so empty my family doesn t even have an idea that i sh i just want someone to notice to care please,Depression +40471,i don t want to exist anymore the thought of death ha brought me a lot of peace for a while now i have friend who are incredibly important to me i love them greatly and i know that they will be perfectly fine without me i accepted my suicidal urge a few month ago and talked to them about it i don t want them to feel any form of guilt when i finally get to go and so i m trying to preemptively minimise that a much a possible i promised them each individually that i would at the very least get in touch with one of them before doing anything to give them a chance to talk to me i have even started going to therapy and promised myself that i would go for a minimum of session with a therapist whom i am comfortable with i also made myself a bucket list the whole point of it all is so that when i m gone they won t feel like they could have done more i don t want them to blame themselves for my decision i don t belong here i long for non existence it s got nothing to do with them and they shouldn t have to suffer because of me some day like today i struggle i just want to go i don t want to finish my therapy i don t want to finish my bucket list i don t want to call them i just want to be forgotten i think i m on the tail end of today spiral and i haven t sh today either which is a win i guess i just needed to write this out,Depression +40472,anyone else having awful war anxiety if so how are you managing i like near a base so basically my situation is i m f ckef if putin decides to bomb it any advice or well word are helpful i just need to calm myself about this ww stuff please,Depression +40473,i m so tired all the time in the physical mental and emotional sense all the time day go by doing nothing tired day of overexertion tired and sleep deprived the constant headache and facial pain doesn t help i feel like my tolerance to people is so low that i cry after i go outside my house or even more pathetically after when someone enters my room i don t know what s wrong with me nobody belief it you re so young how are you tired you need to toughen up the lab came back normal there s nothing wrong with you they don t know that every time i have to hold up this act the effect grows more and more devastating i don t blame them for it honestly i ve put up this act for such a long time that i don t think anybody really know who i am a a person i ve only allowed them to see the good side and whenever the bad side inevitably creep to the surface it inevitably end up being anticlimactically and severely misunderstood my mother try to string me along in vacation that end up draining me significantly and then she wonder why i sleep for hour every day a week after i ve given up the thing i like and i m passionate about because i feel too restless and tired to carry out anything towards a meaningful level jobless living with parent and on the cusp of a breakdown but nothing and no one that can help every night i hope i die in my sleep,Depression +40474,my biggest emotion is anxiety i can t deal with it anymore i tried gettibg help even medicine for it but no help the pit in my stomach every single day constantly restless can t sleep well or eat well can t function at time if i didn t die from heart issue due to constant anxiety and stress i will end up killing myself just to feel some peace,Depression +40475,all abrosexual demigirls with depression are witty,Depression +40476,all i know is i ve been saying for year a a pisces stell amp h jupiter that i ll be more successful during a great depression 0 which is honestly embarrassing but also been preparing since elementary so uhm u know it be,Depression +40477,the back road a tweet on depression in le than 0 character http t co hi oucfa m,Depression +40478,go commit depression,Depression +40479,beautiful but someone in your gender say she s going into depression because her mom wore her nike shoe without informing her,Depression +40480,living at home rent free depression extra free,Depression +40481,how do y all cope with depression,Depression +40482,royroycfc lfcbbc within three tweet you have exhibited of the stage of grief it s okay i can provide a helpline before you enter the depression stage if you want,Depression +40483,fenrirclemo unfortunately that ain t how anxiety work though just telling people just do it is kinda like telling people with depression just be happy it take alot of work and i m proud of how far he s come even with his stream he far more himself than he used to be,Depression +40484,garygensler secgov aarp finra fordhamlawnyc miamilawschool gary people don t care what they want is clarity on crypto the howie test is outdated and became precedent in an era before the internet even existed let alone the blockchain the sec continues to behave like we have just come out the great depression stifling innovation,Depression +40485,depression level 000000000,Depression +40486,pem pem quite frequent and sometimes much more intense than mine but it look that the only important thing for me is to alleviate my depression symptom whatever the consequence,Depression +40487,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co ez mwwwtqf,Depression +40488,be alone btw it toxic and end up in depression from where i see,Depression +40489,lil bean always monkey hugging mama mama in her favorite hoodie finding comfort where we can from the pain and depression respectively we re okay and we re also a goddamn mess http t co jflyzoigh9,Depression +40490,hi guy pls who know how to overcome depression i m dying slowly,Depression +40491,it s also crucial the scenarist address in depth from a psychological point of view theme that have been introduced throughout the story abandonment of biological parent of the partner amp family depression social pressure abusgul dergecerim ferayegizemkurt kaderiminoyunu,Depression +40492,the n0nesuch oneman official buildersanmi etubolion my sisterrrrrr if na depression he enter nko make god no make trailer jam u,Depression +40493,seasonal depression is truly over,Depression +40494,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co xmcyd9qygc,Depression +40495,anapata depression juu ya nike sneaker,Depression +40496,nototyrannynow a stagflationary prolonged recession or a hyperinflationary then deflationary depression,Depression +40497,retour de la d pression et de id e qui vont avec mais je d couvre aujourd hui an apr s sa sortie qu il existe un morceau de massive attack avec damon albarn et il est videmment magnifique alors a va pa si mal http t co jjgymx ood,Depression +40498,depression fucking suck man,Depression +40499,literally and the depression that come before,Depression +40500,depression wont find me anymore http t co mj w9psbln,Depression +40501,i never really sure how to approach someone who s obviously going through a depression but act like everything is normal because they re not sure how or what to do in that situation,Depression +40502,strategywoman i am from denmark child of hungarian refugee born here i wa not sleeping well for day after february so i started following all kind of tweeps to get more information if i wa not sick with stress and depression i would be at the border in poland helping,Depression +40503,spending more time outdoors can decrease your chance of depression quote fb http t co hijckgl0hm ig http t co sv h ne b http t co fw c9hg 9m,Depression +40504,funguyzz if you no find this guy dope and funny abeeg you never chop since yesterday or depression hook you plane just stop for air when no be say na magnito be pilot,Depression +40505,thogden every other year supporting norwich one good year in the championship then pure depression in the premier league,Depression +40506,ith her now he is going through double depression because of the above mentioned incident because the misunderstanding somehow never get cleared so to get over all this he decides to focus on basketball which he is talented in the basketball club s manager fall in love w,Depression +40507,and after that yukito go through depression which his childhood friend failed to notice she think that he isn t interested in her and to gain his attention she make another guy her boyfriend to make yukito jealous but yukito misunderstands and break all his relationship w,Depression +40508,when the seasonal depression finally fuck off and life is enjoyable again gt gt gt,Depression +40509,a serait cool si notre soci t s int ressait beaucoup plus sur la psychologie ex le cause de malady mentales d pression trouble bipolaires ect l anatomie du corp humain ex le diff rences du d veloppement sexuelle http t co b tvixyi d,Depression +40510,i wa at the peak of my depression during lockdown level yoh,Depression +40511,pogba ran out hair dye and suddenly remembers that he is a football player now he is playing the depression card doing what twitter feminist doe best,Depression +40512,auraglyphix high always seem to followed by low long a you climb back from it there s nothing wrong with letting some depression out,Depression +40513,theekween vhulivhadza help people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heartbreak and any traumatic event thelmasherbs,Depression +40514,neymar messi et pogba ont fini en d pression le ravage du foot business,Depression +40515,unc bruno saula tobiloba una get am bruh will jus b like we meeuve while some lady fit hit depression straight,Depression +40516,me to my husband after reading cpt depression s tweet about life with a newborn http t co h cjpeqgu,Depression +40517,good morning dear family i wish you a great day good humor is a tonic for mind and body it is the best antidote for anxiety and depression it lightens human burden it is the direct route to serenity and contentment grenville kleiser http t co zdi0 0 evc,Depression +40518,ezuiequotes it s a constant positive mental attitude a way of looking on the bright side of a situation to carry with you an ideal of helping others if possible to do one s best in not falling into doubt or depression a sunny disposition is a discipline,Depression +40519,my anxiety is high and my depression is bad tonight because i screwed up and didn t take my medication on schedule trying to focus on my happy place while snuggling with magic and surfing reddit i know i complain a lot about my anxiety and depression but this account is for,Depression +40520,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co kt eyujmrw,Depression +40521,theekween depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break thelmasherbs,Depression +40522,amazon u top 000 reviewer compelling crime fiction this is very different unique kind of crime fiction several topic are explored mental illness depression feeling of rage a the book continues the suspense build http t co wr 9sjtg j http t co en0qpdxf9j,Depression +40523,depression we re gon na sleep forever mania fuck sleep we re gon na stay up for day,Depression +40524,ha main depression main tun tuna bajata hu http t co ajwocn 0zr,Depression +40525,musafir from parwaz hai junoon really trigger my depression and anxiety,Depression +40526,dwr gh teresamforgione gm stone not that i ve had covid but i find whisky cure everything from sniffle to depression,Depression +40527,0 0virgin honestly i understand her frustration my mom doe the same with my thing she wear my clothes sometimes tseding hadi kgutlise but nka sebe depressed aowa depression yonke no,Depression +40528,depression in construction is partly due to big company piling relentless pressure on worker and making it clear they can be easily replaced the moment they wear out bbcmorninglive totally hold the employer responsible bbcmorninglive,Depression +40529,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co ajtghgrvd,Depression +40530,art is a universal language art is a catharsis for me panting helped me out of depression latifa stopped painting when she left syria but used it a a way to deal with the struggle of displacement in lebanon now she teach others and sell her painting http t co viijhh ubc,Depression +40531,it bulle fika lokitaung utembee kwa mlima na ulale kwa laga depression itaisha,Depression +40532,bj keswickproblems ndp oh yeah you must enjoy record breaking inflation housing price that canadian can t afford because of all the foreign investor paying outrageous tax being driven into the next great depression make sure you stand with trudumb,Depression +40533,there r different level of depression and clinical depression is something that you absolutely can t get out of you need a medic you need to see a doctor you need to medicate for it you need a therapy there r thing you need to do in order to get out it or else you won t,Depression +40534,at night when i fall into to pradeep kumar song enna da inga iruntha depression ah kaanom pradeepkumarsong http t co vxbeyyiunk,Depression +40535,aminelkhatmi ric zemmour l alg rien vous invite vos ascendant descendant et vous m me a elkhatmi de saisir l opportunit de la r migration pour viter le grand remplacement afin d viter marion mar chal le pen de crisis de d pression,Depression +40536,i really need to see a doctor about my depression every time it s spiked like today i just feel worse and worse what the hell is wrong with me,Depression +40537,internetumpire ipave depression kudukaadha ne just live the moment still chepauk la than last match nu nambuvom,Depression +40538,une depression koda uya awta http t co lj0awcfbau,Depression +40539,ckngdead here come the depression tweet,Depression +40540,worldofnc i do a digital fast every so often it s where i stop watching the news or looking at social medium just music reading and netflix it may be sticking my head in the sand but it give me a firebreak from the stress and depression that is modern life stay sane,Depression +40541,this is how to show a loved one you care when did you begin feeling like this mentalhealth depression,Depression +40542,also still struggling to ask my parent to help me set up for an adhd diagnosis a well a for my mental health a much a i say i do have thing like adhd depression and anxiety i haven t officially confirmed that it suck that i do because i can t get the support i need,Depression +40543,apology for the random burst and then lack of video been in a really wanky depression hole that i need to crawl out of a bit,Depression +40544,and just when it wa the most painful when i had sunk so deep into my depression that i could sink no further,Depression +40545,theekween vhulivhadza help with depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40546,this insane rant here ha 000 like really what exactly are they liking that someone can be this vile toxic disrespectful amp totally irresponsible to her own mother depression is actually a fair amp deserved escape route you to be honest nonsense,Depression +40547,theekween thelmasherbs help with depression anxiety,Depression +40548,sihlewasembo lord bonda mizzzidc our toxic home are just okay people share make mistake and forgive we certainly don t and will never throw a fit get into depression over sneaker,Depression +40549,it s true i truly love jessicabardot she wa there for me during a dark time and i appreciate her so much for being there during my depression one of the most loveliest lady http t co tjstwmyr v,Depression +40550,dein depression,Depression +40551,letouzet en m me temp il n est pa faux de parler de d pression elle est pas e par le cyclisme et le dopage quant savoir si ce derniers en sont la cause c est difficile la tendance d pressive peut mener ce activit s douloureuses,Depression +40552,i literally have depression http t co q bkk uq,Depression +40553,weird type of depression indeed,Depression +40554,theekween it hell with heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing your loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40555,salah eddine y a une grande diff rence entre la d prime et la d pression une d pression c est maladie en tout ca je te souhaite de journ e meilleures que celles que tu pass en ce moment,Depression +40556,victorahiwe that s what you want even all your generation together can t make him enter depression bunch of attention seeking low life,Depression +40557,mai asher 9 lynnestactia the guy look depressed depression is real,Depression +40558,ismadinter en d pression,Depression +40559,saf wouldn t even work with him and his greedy agent jose brought him back with the highest fee and loved him like son jose should be the one talking bout depression because he wa really backstabbed,Depression +40560,pre pandemic incidence of diagnosed depression wa about this increased to during lockdown likewise amp case of anxiety went from to http t co czlqb cxqe,Depression +40561,n9ne x tgalloway rwtaylors a someone that ha suffered from depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life i can safely say lockdown made it a million time worse your comment is thoughtless and insensitive this lady lost her son your experience is not everyone else s grow up,Depression +40562,school connectedness anxiety and depression recent evidence and young people s perspective activeingredientsmh from national elf service blog http t co cjfjwx rfh,Depression +40563,theekween vhulivhadza help with anxiety depression heart break any traumatic experience and loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40564,mueller g wusste ich vorher brauchst nur in unser b ro schauen die haben ne riesen angst vor covid lager interessiert da keine sau ihr longcovid ist ihre depression und angstst rung sonst gar nichts,Depression +40565,profkarolsikora absolutely i m shortly been suffering with depression and medicated for year recently suicidal never been referred to mental health service until this year and been told i probably have adhd but i doubt i will find out until my 0 s unacceptable,Depression +40566,i have bipolar depression and succumb to nihilism a lot i m so thankful to the people who still talk to me when i feel low and check in mean more than you know love you all,Depression +40567,theekween thelmasherbs make people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break and any traumatic event,Depression +40568,y a une mamie de mon glise qui m a dit tu n est pa blanche la d pression c est pa pour toi,Depression +40569,depression frau riebentrop http t co gkfspze u,Depression +40570,pa moracchini la boucle c est ca gt bonne pr pa parce que mec intelligent gt gros cv gt taff d bile ultra bien pay gt d pression parce que gar trop conscient gt se venge de tout ca en tant z l jouissances toxiques gt coinc en enfer,Depression +40571,am i going through depression again,Depression +40572,vamsi share kanisam ee cinemaki ayina maa depression gang arustaremo chudaali movie experience chedadobtaaru,Depression +40573,when you feel depressed what s thing you do to make yourself feel better depression depressiontreatment positiveimpact positivevibesonly positivepsychology behappy behappyandsmile http t co yfiojfbwz,Depression +40574,theekween thelmasherbs make people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break and any traumatic event,Depression +40575,ohgodjamnit my brain won t let me bullshit you set out to do it and announce it in cap like an attention seeking child throwing tantrum you are not a victim jun look around you do not have the monopoly on depression or shitty life circumstance or fucked up brain chemistry lmao,Depression +40576,randomjay the biggest mistake i have ever made now i have to live with the consequence stress anxiety and depression,Depression +40577,thasohtx depression inducing sneaker,Depression +40578,mizzzidc if you were my sister after doing this depression will be the least of your worry co i ll beat you to coma and the pay the hospital bill and new nike shoe by your bed side,Depression +40579,mahisshi danyok made my depression worse and turned me into a joker,Depression +40580,swoyer fighting depression isn t a easy a it may seem because you never truly know how that person feel and people have thought of suicide because they feel a if that s the only right thing that they can do and they think it s the much easier route to go along with life,Depression +40581,tpmp divizio le comparaisons deux ronds pour se la jouer bien pensant c est comme si il disait une personne qui a le bra ca de ne pa se plaindre car d autres ont le jambes ca e oui de gen ont soufferts de d pression et non il ne faut pa minimiser leurs souffrance,Depression +40582,laekanzeakemp mental health ha been and will always be my favourite topic to talk about let s connect laekanzeakemp i started my journey of writing to fight the silent battle against depression,Depression +40583,don t let depression slow you down we got this,Depression +40584,new article from obmintegrativeandcomplementarymedicine covid on the brain anxiety sensitivity and mindful awareness mediate the relationship between covid 9 obsession and anxiety http t co vfegm9dpzf http t co wkkexnjdys covid 9 anxiety depression http t co u pembdvcm,Depression +40585,niru0 who tf even care about her sneaker getting depression bc you can t wear your sneaker for a few day wtf,Depression +40586,c est trangement le sympt me de la d pression a,Depression +40587,english isn t my first language so i apologise if i use the wrong terminology i also have issue with my brain memory focus not only due to adhd but also because i ve been completely burned out exhaustive depression several time in my life,Depression +40588,this doesn t help my depression,Depression +40589,depression a hit you outta nowhere,Depression +40590,regalkimi we re still clear of man united in everyone s book amp in refent time the world man united is nothing but i bin get class of 9 smaller than wolf plus a trophyless club that give pogba nightmare amp depression he had to shave his hair ratio,Depression +40591,black btrfly bref ya beaucoup de choses la chose a surtout pa faire c est rester solo parske la d pression arrive tr s tr s vite,Depression +40592,a recent study found that medical marijuana failed to quell symptom of anxiety and depression and instead doubled down on risk for developing addictive symptom and cannabis use disorder http t co ezyaic0sck,Depression +40593,what do psychotherapist actually do by drsusanheitler http t co gkjl yyetp anger anxiety depression therapy psychotherapist mentalhealth http t co nqgtdgcziy,Depression +40594,who ever said there wa a cure for depression wa seriously wrong you may be happy for a little while but in the end it always come back,Depression +40595,depression fr,Depression +40596,allt jag tweetar om r jobbet bus 9 och depression d h r e s sorgligt,Depression +40597,yay it s time to fuck depressed depressed adjective low in spirit sad especially affected by psychological depression vertically flattened having the central part lower than the margin http t co pldmsm zxz,Depression +40598,fckeveryword in case you didn t know depressed adjective low in spirit sad especially affected by psychological depression vertically flattened having the central part lower than the margin http t co iv 9md l,Depression +40599,i m glad i watched this during the worst depression of my life bc i don t remember a single thing other than that i loved it and i m saving it for a rainy day,Depression +40600,camarade menthe profite bg on a peu de r pit entre et 0 si on saute la case calvasse j ai vit de la mettre d ailleurs pour viter le vagues de d pression l approche du w end,Depression +40601,theekween thelmasherbs heart break depression anxiety,Depression +40602,depression amp anxiety changed me 0 tried to take my own life 0 9 with therapy and time i turned it all around passing my trade test stabilizing myself becoming a dad and supporting my family now so clear that i don t take shit from anyone and they all hate me for it,Depression +40603,jayjude imthiyas pv kennylanta ng abdulbasit goal overcame depression then why did you choose to have depression in the first place since it wa a choice,Depression +40604,theekween it help with depression loss of a loved one anxiety heart break or have witnessed something traumatic thelmasherbs,Depression +40605,people go into depression due to these reason in relationship http t co 9 usxvnja,Depression +40606,theekween help people who suffer from depression anxiety loss of loved one heartbreaking or have witness something traumatic thelmaherbs,Depression +40607,you go thru depression the first trimester of pregnancy,Depression +40608,theekween the herb help for those that suffer from depression anxiety loss of a loved one heartbreak or have witnessed something tramatic thelmaherbs,Depression +40609,theekween depression anxiety trauma thelmasherbs,Depression +40610,tpmp divizio nous demandons la production que delormeau soit suspendu de cette mission et que cyril hanouna et c s excusent publiquement aupr s de tous le enfants qui sont suivie en p dopsychiatrie et qui sont en d pression cause du covid je pense emma de tout c ur avec elle,Depression +40611,theekween depression and anxiety loss of loved one and heartbreak thelmasherbs,Depression +40612,the action of nitroglycerine on digitalis induced st depression in patient with coronary disease http t co s9uqoyl kt,Depression +40613,theekween thelmasherbs make people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break and any traumatic event,Depression +40614,top 0 country with the highest rate of depression united state http t co aubhvlr he,Depression +40615,tolu pepper omo this happens every period but not through out the depression is overwhelming and i crave so much sugar to balance the mood usually chocolate help me feel better,Depression +40616,depression come from not forgiving the past and trying to control the future happiness come from living and working on the present,Depression +40617,theekween depression,Depression +40618,speak to a therapist online via skype for anxiety and depression online mindfulness therapy via skype psychotherapy without drug the best option is to treat the underlying cause contact me to learn more see http t co a uafykh u,Depression +40619,theekween it help with anxiety and depression thelmasherbs,Depression +40620,i am vengeance batman is just emo if we had a superhero his tag line would be i am economic depression,Depression +40621,theekween it help with depression anxiety and loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40622,tairinonfir fudiggity shark ozero my bc packet low estrogen le severe side effect reason men dropped out in 0 study pain acne depression suicidal thought the depression wa main listed reason for halting trial one case of possible infertility current monitoring i m not saying male bc http t co e l i wdf,Depression +40623,iam gadifele gwen tlaka nna ke right ke tshwenya ke my gender gore ba tshwere bothata and they are getting stress depression and all sort of sickness because of basadi mxm,Depression +40624,utdcynical crossydailystar fan got depression watching the bollox,Depression +40625,ergonomix for real i ve been there in the pit i ve not wanted to exist because of it no one deserves to feel that way least of all you in any way lt my advice is to try and say this is my anxiety depression whatever it may be talking not me i m loved it may help lt,Depression +40626,they say there are five stage of grief denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance well i d like to add one more revenge,Depression +40627,tolu pepper my dear ovulation pm and period make my life complicated the depression symptom emotional weariness edginess tiredness actual pain it s just a lot you are not alone si we are all frustrated with you sending hug,Depression +40628,chrisexcel 0 hayi suka man you ll give him a depression,Depression +40629,i got an instagram ad for microdosing ketamine to treat depression uhhhhhhhhhhhh,Depression +40630,imagine you have deep psychological issue stemming from year of abuse and depression and your therapist just start talking about how great communism is what is wrong with these people,Depression +40631,tabuteaus come off it clearly not clinical depression if he s attributing it to playing under mourinho take a toll yeah but stop throwing around the word depression,Depression +40632,my previous knowledge of historical reason for the depression did not include history s number now i m really drawing a strong parallel between depression event and current event http t co fuxwvjydjy,Depression +40633,because i see a lot of people thinking they re alone with a certain problem slight trigger warning my panic attack have caused me to self harm my depression got so bad that it affected my physical health i couldn t get up without feeling dizzy for month i kept waking up,Depression +40634,i ve struggled with panic attack and depression for a few year now i ve talked about this on here before i ve had help from a therapist she helped me a lot and i m better now than ever but i still know what it feel like i want to be really transparent here,Depression +40635,una go sha deh misuse the word depression kini radarada yi bayi,Depression +40636,bjr il fait bo je veux retrouver mon moi du premier confinement celle qui faisait du sport et qui tait pa en d pression hahahahahaha aled,Depression +40637,theekween depression anxiety pain of losing loved one heart break thelmasherbs,Depression +40638,not having clothes is sending me into a state of depression that ion like,Depression +40639,dianaisabela markus lanz nataklitschko s vitvitska jakluge fiedelseb wir m ssen darauf achten das wir im herzen den sonnenschein nicht verlieren dauerhafte traurigkeit depression u aggression macht krank und dann kriegen die un am ende doch noch hab sonne im herzen ob s st rmt oder schneit,Depression +40640,mutesi lydie ese niba rbc isohora report ivugako murwanda million zabaturage nibura babana na depression cg nikihe gihugu gifite amateka nkayurwanda ahantu ugera urumushitsi ukajyanwa gusura inzibutso nawe ubwawe ukavayo urira nyine utishimye so in some case the report is 00 ok,Depression +40641,mariasbtb cnews l histoire amp complexe que a la vendu son me au tout amp censur sur mervine m me le dangereux c dans leur g ne amp vive vol magouilles amp s en tire toujours le lois amp clou de folie a pourrie la amp pour prime le en d pression amp la jeunesse empoisonn endoctrin lafm racailleu,Depression +40642,apsanabegummp ucu it s like he entirely discounted the idea that staff at non striking university might also be suffering depression overwork stress anxiety would it really be such a terrible thing to lead an investigation into the extent of these issue in the sector,Depression +40643,medicalnewstoday detail many us for this in the treatment of anxiety depression and even ptsd http t co iwivamcebt,Depression +40644,depression is cause by oneself thru one greed for those thing that are bad for one health that one can t manage firstly you have to understand that you are the cause of ur depress state and you have let go of ur big ego to come out of that situation by taking to people,Depression +40645,on the nd anniversary of the first covid 9 lockdown in the uk read about our meta analysis showing increased rate of depression and anxiety during the st lockdown compared with pre pandemic level http t co qz gfzfhq gemmamjtaylor lucamdettmann,Depression +40646,night two of deep depression i wish my med didn t have some bad day bc im a mess i don t feel like me this week and i m just so incredibly sad,Depression +40647,the star citizen tv and azimio blogger are internally suffering from depression hatred denial the fact that kenya kwanza is the biggest coalition party in kenya rutomusalia,Depression +40648,pauline va faire une d pression,Depression +40649,floppy 0 atipyque sarahelhairy macron le a noy dans la d pression pour ensuite leur offrir une porte de secours par l amour du b n volat la m me m thode que joseph di mambro sans le soucoupes volantes,Depression +40650,she s guilt tripping him for feeling good about himself she s saying he s the reason for her sadness and she s missing a version of him where he wa at his lowest she didn t even see the depression that lived in her husband because it made her comfortable,Depression +40651,today i felt like i wanted to die but i didn t really what sitting with someone in a dark place really mean depression shadowself emotionaleducation http t co fwhl9d jue,Depression +40652,frasar9 tonyrouf edgar ojwang njeriwanyina superiority take your depression else where how you keep a conversation with a person with inferiority complex explaining your mental status wee go and cut tree,Depression +40653,letsinorollz ivy nkk ignore consistent behaviour that spiral her back to depression no guy mental health first idc,Depression +40654,im thinking abt telling my parent abt everything how i wa molested my ed my sh problem my depression everything,Depression +40655,julisa a seokjeng0 yes i needed them so much and when i wa at my worst that s when i saw them and i wa in total depression and i only wanted to kill myself but i can say that he really saved me with their music and their joy of living http t co tw g9ylqdh,Depression +40656,ssr faced sabotag with most vicious lie written abt him a blind item but not one of these gossip wrote abt his add ction or depression even tho everyone supposedly knew abt latter not suspicious ip nupurprasad pmoindia doptgoi hmoindia ssr social medium compromised,Depression +40657,theekween heart break witnessing trauma anxiety depression loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40658,your mama wear your sneaker you enter depression,Depression +40659,who knew rishi sunak being incapable of using a fucking bank card would be what kick off today s depression spiral lmao,Depression +40660,dreamtimeswift taylornation i saw her once for 9 9 tour and i suffered serious post concert depression the next day when i created a spotify playlist for the tour setlist and i cried very badly in my bedroom,Depression +40661,sound therapy to reduce anxiety mental health amp depression guaranteed http t co xipwe lncd lavenderetherealmusic short sound to reduce anxiety depression stress music mental health therapy meditation music music for stress relief balance,Depression +40662,krisbelieve andarson brel basilngidi mizzzidc eng bystuff mj cachinnate yea you are right imagine the pain and depression the mother will go through when she find out her own blood daughter ha humiliated her in bird app because of a nike of how much,Depression +40663,theekween heart break witnessing trauma anxiety depression loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40664,the light that shine through oh what pretty color too evil is for story and thank god for the movie the depression wa awful a nickle too i changed my mind evil is hunger poverty endthe war the lie they tell for,Depression +40665,masithoko dlomo mizzzidc everything na depression for una this day look like the heart is getting softer every year small thing mental health nothing wokeness no go cause,Depression +40666,pistachenoire laurent brevesdepresse on ne trouve pa le plein emploi en for ant le gen bosser il n y arrivera pa avec s mesures il va gagner de en d arr t maladie d pression pour contourner le syst me on pourrait arriver au plein emploi en am liorant par exemple le condition de travail,Depression +40667,elvisamponsahk generation yii yare then she throw in some depression card,Depression +40668,german longcovid study 90 9 had no measurable physiological change ie psychosomatic risk factor pre exisiting psychological psychiatric condition depression postrauma anxiety specific job bureaucrat administrator teacher lower than average physical labor http t co llxtl g,Depression +40669,don t go into depression because of fun you assumed others are having everybody just dey lie,Depression +40670,fornowshesgone depression did,Depression +40671,what have you learned from depression don t be selfish your experience might save someone s life ashewospace black star,Depression +40672,an ex muslim miss veedu vidz http t co z nqoa u exmuslim mentalhealth depression apostasy http t co hoap9arrmw,Depression +40673,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs,Depression +40674,theekween vhulivhadza help those who suffer from depression anxiety heart break or have witnessed something traumatic thelmasherbs,Depression +40675,jeremyvine people will stop spending so the economy will contract further inflation rise further we end up with hyperinflation stagnation and ultimately a 0 style depression which the govt can t do anything about,Depression +40676,depression lori bata oje lo ye ara e wo http t co egkmkkazb,Depression +40677,because you have depression love http t co cnbln ppkj,Depression +40678,i know that my depression is going terrible when it start to be physically painful i don t know how to explain it but i m in pain,Depression +40679,depression ke,Depression +40680,hello twitter i m on a one week leave from school bc i have depression how are you all d,Depression +40681,befoot sport aubameyang en d pression,Depression +40682,azizul0 this cat singlehandedly cured my depression for a moment,Depression +40683,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co ziuwj0y0vd,Depression +40684,rsurrection battle 0 copaincopain mon avis a moi aquatennens le oliennes depression sont de eoliennes eole vent,Depression +40685,i m getting swole af tho jus need to get back on my healthier diet shit depression isn t over but the eatin my feel part is u can t b depressed wit a pack it s medically impossible http t co tym by taw,Depression +40686,bombassdyk deathydescole ma m re est croyante lors de sa d pression on lui a rabach que c est cause de sa foi etc alors que la d pression est une maladie avec une composante biologique un d ficit de certains neurotransmetteurs c est fuir ce genre de personnes par exemple,Depression +40687,depression do be hitting different,Depression +40688,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co nglipxulsq,Depression +40689,y all wan na talk about depression but wan na get mad at me for sleeping for day weird flex but ok,Depression +40690,once i hear niphkeys my depression disappears i will not tolerate any zino slander please,Depression +40691,chadjvalasek tanaganeva pem pem mikenewswriter we don t know why lithium work but at least it reduces the risk of suicide even at dos not clinically effective for depression or mood stabilisation ssri don t reduce the risk of suicide and in fact increase the risk http t co i vkah nq,Depression +40692,a lot of people don t struggle with depression they struggle with the reality we live in stillpushing,Depression +40693,jsuispasunkdo anyattardee oshun 0 0 paoloo oui j ai assez mal d velopp dans un autre message j ai bien expliqu qu il ne faut jamais se moqu derri re il peut y avoir de la d pression du stresse de la tristesse un traitement etc,Depression +40694,sign that the usa and the world are headed for the worst economic depression http t co rajk xjuoh http t co joctlucsyz,Depression +40695,seasonal depression please exit stage left the sun made it come back http t co jdote rjd,Depression +40696,former ohio st football player harry miller medically retires from football due to mentalhealth concern delivers powerful message to anyone struggling with depression http t co lkynhiiifj mentalhealthawareness mentalhealthmatters endthestigma health wellness,Depression +40697,goal depression ain t feeling a bit sad bro,Depression +40698,biolakazeem lmao you re a you infer that a grown man is lying about his struggle with depression and when you re rightfully called out for that you say it s unprovoked if you think you deserve empathy then surely you would ve shown empathy to begin with,Depression +40699,aalexaanne and that s on what depression purrrr,Depression +40700,in that mood of wanting to suffer my asthma attack a a form of self harm depression suck when it hit outta nowhere for what seems like no reason at all finally coming out of auto pilot and i have no idea what triggered it it thursday,Depression +40701,talking bout depression girl i just got off the pill,Depression +40702,man i can barely remember when i wa doing that game style weight loss thing like depression really just wiped your memory and clear out all your plan huh like none of that shit mattered one day and no going back,Depression +40703,a a desi teenager only kk s discography can cure my depression now,Depression +40704,mourinho shouldn t let this pogba slander slide he should do his own interview and say watching pogba play football gave him depression,Depression +40705,startv kaderiminoyuntv it s also crucial the scenarist address in depth from a psychological point of view theme that have been introduced throughout the story abandonment of biological parent of the partner amp family depression social pressure abusgul dergecerim ferayegizemkurt kaderiminoyunu,Depression +40706,new article from obmintegrativeandcomplementarymedicine mindfulness in tai chi chuan a practised amongst higher education student with implication for health and learning a narrative review http t co p aciaxzd http t co usqjekvyaq taichichuan depression http t co scx fegnqf,Depression +40707,my depression ptsd and anxiety have reached an all time high this past two month it honestly breaking me,Depression +40708,liberalnomo thirtyonemks nowthisnews so what advice would you give a man who ha depression cuz he know his sexuality is off and he s attracted to men he also feel uncomfortable in men clothes and can t get turned on from woman or would you just not even associate with them even tho they re an amazing person,Depression +40709,menochronic blamethehormone thismorning carolynharris drlouisenewson i am so sorry you went through that with your daughter i spent year being treated for anorexia depression anxiety self harm eupd until eventually being diagnosed with pmdd in 0 even once diagnosed i spent a year in a psych unit to support me until i got surgery,Depression +40710,julius s malema nyaope boy are causing havoc in township breaking into house you can t protect the dealer our people are suffering and dying in depression come with solution to create job skill we are tired of your speech and poverty we don t eat speech http t co xiw wf jkx,Depression +40711,adolfengelbrec bakang seretse s lawyer long called tautona gore ate go testify and that wa the end of npf case nna re unemployed all you do is worsen our depression sometimes it s better shut up cz you re part of the cartel that is robbing this country hao harologane nabo,Depression +40712,a new study show that there is a correlation between depression and dry eye syndrome ded could troublesome eye symptom feed depression or vice versa read more below and here http t co lhe dbv t ophthalmology ded depression mentalhealth newresearch jamaophth upi,Depression +40713,paperbag alcohol also work well on well being and depression i hear oh wait we weren t doing that,Depression +40714,mizzzidc la fisto i hope one day you get dragged unnecessary on social medium like this by your child if you think dragging your mom on social medium will take you out of depression then good luck to you,Depression +40715,alpha utd yup depression of winning trophy least of all,Depression +40716,twitter is the only social medium platform i don t feel uncomfortable talking about how mentally ill i am im tired if struggling anxiety depression,Depression +40717,i m glad i m not alone period depression is real,Depression +40718,laurenellise dying from crippling anxiety and depression,Depression +40719,theekween help people who suffer from depression anxiety loss of loved one heartbreaking or have witness something traumatic thelmaherbs,Depression +40720,fact juicceyy just say these are step to depression,Depression +40721,gemma brett i made a film with teenage woman who cared for their mum cold house dark room the love shown the tear shed the weight of responsibility the frustration at missed opportunity the depression the anti depressant castaway in their own life the youngest wa,Depression +40722,theekween anxiety and depression thelmasherbs,Depression +40723,masithoko dlomo mizzzidc i don t think depression will make you post such on twitter but i think there is more to her lash out than just the sneaker ugurl uyagower,Depression +40724,at the african woman in cinema blog archive african woman in cinema addressing issue of mentalhealth in africa link to post postpartum depression http t co rnrigvs j9 anxiety http t co b brzdrryx alzheimers http t co dsnoagfosb http t co loww iymvn,Depression +40725,theekween it help people who suffer from depression anxiety loss of loved one heartbreaking or have witness something traumatic thelmaherbs,Depression +40726,maryjldn thank you longest bout of depression and anxiety i ve had but i mthrough the other side,Depression +40727,today is my worse birthday depression i can t even fake being excited for my birthday damn,Depression +40728,must be depression fr,Depression +40729,depression tavor macht einfach nur m de,Depression +40730,meta ufo don t get involved any presale or lock project again of u don t want to spend the rest of ur life in depression,Depression +40731,over year my ex husband waited to find out if this wa going to court in the process he lost his business his taxi licence and his home he began suffering from severe anxiety and depression and needed medication to help him get from one day to the next,Depression +40732,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing your loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40733,kilishi kween because her mama carry her shoe she ll enter depression and want to heal na wa ooo if she carry your car and money fa,Depression +40734,rohitdoss yes romba depression aguthu stress aguthu mudiyala,Depression +40735,can t outrun depression unfortunately,Depression +40736,swoyer you don t understand depression whatsoever it s not something you have a universal method to fight against suicide isn t the first choice it s the last it s when the year of fighting constant suffering and lack of hope finally outweigh the fear of taking your own life,Depression +40737,having mirror in a house doesn t help with depression,Depression +40738,thabiler ntsikimazwai it is a form of abuse the result are permanent depression and enxiety depending on med for the rest of your life,Depression +40739,jaxtartwitch denismcmichael stats feed well being informed and suffering from depression are two different aspect,Depression +40740,geordiepaul williamnhutton supermactoon government have the mean this country wa heavily in debt from ww and the great depression but they still had the resource and mean to have the money and resource to fight ww,Depression +40741,dg thank you depression and anxiety suck but i m out the other side x,Depression +40742,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing your loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40743,ranking of king me permet de pa tomb totalement en d pression et aujourd hui c est le dernier pisode,Depression +40744,excuse the blasphemy but no i dont need god to tell me anything before i choose to do whats right no my lack of religion isnt what gave me anxiety and depression it your abusive parenting style on the first half of my life dont blame my belief pls,Depression +40745,seasonal depression session over,Depression +40746,fighting the urge to withdraw from everyone so i can be on my weird solo depression phase in peace,Depression +40747,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing your loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40748,yinkapost man fell into depression y all should relax,Depression +40749,getting better from depression demand a lifelong commitment i ve made that commitment for my life s sake and for the sake of those who love me,Depression +40750,if paul pogba had depression at man united what about mourinho and ole you d be reaching for the revolver every time that shower of shite turned up in training every manager since ferguson ha been trying to compete with a st team that wouldn t get on the bench at mancity,Depression +40751,atipyque tars9000 sarahelhairy la jeunesse je la rencontre tous le jours elle est en d pression elle ne croit plus en l avenir et c est encore pire sou macron le jeunes ne sont ni aveugles ni con,Depression +40752,theekween depression anxiety loss of love one heartbreak trauma thelmasherbs,Depression +40753,people think i am i m attitude no dude i am alone i am in depression i am in overthinking,Depression +40754,halitosis is also associated with depression and symptom of obsessive compulsive disorder,Depression +40755,i smell depression collab here,Depression +40756,had a groupwork assignment from my university and my best co worker are my anxiety and depression,Depression +40757,hide depression,Depression +40758,clarseek hajji if you do it a a you be ready for whatever come out of it but you know the right thing look for someone dat is aa we don t want story lamentation grief pain depression later in life my prayer is that you avoid this silly act,Depression +40759,badood sash 009 9 jimmythomist vaushv lauren southern depression,Depression +40760,mizzzidc any idea why u have depression das it,Depression +40761,iamdepr 9 how can i best support you right now mentalhealth depression,Depression +40762,do you remember when you joined twitter i do mytwitteranniversary depression http t co ooprmbtxhu,Depression +40763,lamacurieux battle 0 copaincopain mon avis a moi aquatennens du m thane artificiel ca reste du m thane la diff rence c est qu il permet de renforcer notre ind pendance nerg tique si combin l hydro lectrique au nucl aire etc enfin le oliennes d pression n ont pa besoin de vent idem pour celles de courants marins,Depression +40764,theekween it help with heart break trauma anxiety depression and pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40765,it s all hug and kiss till you wear sneaker and cause depression a you are buying sneaker for your kid pls buy your own too good morning,Depression +40766,new podcast alert surreyscorchers guard cayraf9 join the mvp cast to reveal his retirement plan and how he dealt with depression by learning to speak up http t co s t9b dvs,Depression +40767,anti p longtemps j ai cru que mon mec tait un enfoir la veille de me r gles j ai fait aussi une d pression post partum parait que c tait li le hormone montent progressivement puis s croulent d un coup pr sent je consulte mon agenda qd c est la fin du monde,Depression +40768,deucetwt dont think so it either new mechanic or you battle depression,Depression +40769,aaroncikaya fcuk off playing the depression card he can t handle the english premier league and the micky mouse french league will suit his lazy style of play fcuk off to psg you premier leage flop you re a lazy sack of shite,Depression +40770,paul pogba s exprime sur la d pression dans une interview au figaro le milieu de terrain de l quipe de france et de manchester united s est confi sur la sant mentale de joueurs professionnels de football en cho aux propos r cent de thierry henry http t co f o dvbdo,Depression +40771,theekween thelmaherbs heart break depression anxiety http t co d y mfb w,Depression +40772,itsnicari obeyalliance good morning depression,Depression +40773,mizzzidc politely i ask are you mad how dare you speak to you mum in this manner and even type it in word this is absolutely rubbish depression ko depression ni this is complete madness i pray you become a parent soon and get to experience this with your kid,Depression +40774,peut tre que je rate mon deuxi me jour de labo que je me sen super mal avec le combo r gles et d pression mais j ai un petit chat qui me bave dessus http t co flqwtpokvn,Depression +40775,femibello mourinho is a victim too pogba wa playing badly and pogba wa a key player for mourinho which led to his sack pogba naming mourinho a a cause of his depression is bad pogba hasn t won any trophy or played consistently since mou left he wa treatedwell with ole but still a mess,Depression +40776,theekween it help with depression anxiety heartbreak and loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40777,ojiaku9 make i save myself from depression first,Depression +40778,hurt my back and titty in the process shouldve waited another week to avoid the titty pain but it done now n im very aware it gross but it called depression n being chronically ill,Depression +40779,theekween thelmasherbs make people forget unpleasant event such a depression anxiety loss of a loved one heart break or any traumatic event,Depression +40780,etoro the worst thing man utd can do is offer him a new deal to match his financial demand pogba is a virus hence his partnership with raoila all they want is money once they don t get it they start the noise about football depression bla bla,Depression +40781,i m not where i m supposed to be but i ll take this over depression,Depression +40782,i wish it wa just depression,Depression +40783,new post new tagalog reggae classic song 0 – chocolate factory tropical depression blakdyak http t co htqh kebnh,Depression +40784,gossipmail i make people forget they have problem i depress depression,Depression +40785,h la elle n est pa la seule nous avon tous d notre entourage de jeunes en d pression la politiquesanitaire de ce derni re ann e a t terrible pour eux,Depression +40786,fact you take supplement for depression too lol,Depression +40787,theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40788,mizzzidc im sorry to say that you are one useless child any parent would wish to have such a desrespectiful child u spoke with your mother and u desrespected her enough privately why the need of posting on social medium we have people who suffer with depression stop hiding behind it,Depression +40789,n if memory served alcohol had always made him sad and mean yes tell me i wa telling her how i felt after you left how it just spun me into this depression how i felt like i wa in a hole and i couldn t crawl out of it and barely wanted radioactive tree,Depression +40790,mizzzidc lol imagine depression nge nike niyaperforma thixo,Depression +40791,theekween it s help with depression anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40792,my heart my gloom your depression feel like the calm drift of smoke above the rage and fire of battle your extrapolation badmouths like salt i love you like a drifting sycamore seed,Depression +40793,kgware paballo kay mahapa yall niphathwa depression ngenxa yama teki,Depression +40794,theekween help with depression anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40795,mizzzidc u deserve that depression truly,Depression +40796,new article from obmneurobiology the potential impact of covid 9 on depression and suicide risk in older adult http t co brn i tcp http t co aw fkdqvzm covid 9 pandemic,Depression +40797,the fun thing about writing is sometimes the story pull you in and asks question that will need some researching to be done today and tomorrow are my research day and i will be cooking a great depression recipe i think it would fit the grim dark perfectly,Depression +40798,depression is not a joke damn bangon pre,Depression +40799,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +40800,theekween depression anxiety and heart break thelmasherbs,Depression +40801,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +40802,theekween the herb is ideal for those that suffer from depression anxiety loss of a loved one heartbreak or have witnessed something tramatic thelmaherbs,Depression +40803,depression everywhere depression is killing the youth rn i hope that sh t don t come near u everything will be fine let s try again bro checkonyourlovesones,Depression +40804,happy hardcore healed my depression,Depression +40805,you can be rich asf and still suffer from depression,Depression +40806,hatoumadks mdrrrr d pression c est petit m me,Depression +40807,therealsir ambassador dick s go legend during the depression when all else suck ish,Depression +40808,cnn in term of immune system depression,Depression +40809,theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40810,i could post my face and the fact that im sexy everyday but my depression won t allow me to flex on y all nigga like dat,Depression +40811,wahre worte depression depressionen burnout,Depression +40812,theekween it help with depression anxiety and loss of a loved one thelmaherbs,Depression +40813,gift makoti depression yama teki,Depression +40814,jee 0 90 9 sathiyama mudiyala bro day by day romba toxic ah poguthu namakum mentally depression aaguthu,Depression +40815,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs thelmasherbs,Depression +40816,theekween it help with depression anxiety and loss of a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40817,this is not the time for my depression to act up but here it is again,Depression +40818,im so badly trying not to let this depression sink it teeth into me,Depression +40819,id be fake a hell to come online and only post my win i also got ta tell u about the struggle flat broke day depression battle year of rejection and working day job to stay afloat the payoff and blessing are def nice but u got ta go thru hell and back to get there,Depression +40820,this webinar had me on chokehold oh god it got me listening to my depression playlist at the fucking afternoon,Depression +40821,i miss my old version with zero depression lot of motivation drug free zero anxiety,Depression +40822,youbaviandecru aaaaah oui d accord je me demandais pour combien de temp je partais en d pression merci toi,Depression +40823,theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40824,new article from obmneurobiology antidepressant treatment of depression in the elderly efficacy and safety consideration http t co hsu g pvhn narrative review of surgery for myasthenia gravis http t co siqks rzxp depression pharmacotherapy antibody http t co scs0lby0pi,Depression +40825,flashgetem i don t know what this mean but i think it mean depression kill you there i sha like the reply a e take sound,Depression +40826,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one when u have witnessed something traumatic thelmasherbs,Depression +40827,hide depression,Depression +40828,fayokemi keziah oluchy is it laughter or depression you re wishing me,Depression +40829,that depression can sieze today,Depression +40830,i can t tell if i m actually enjoying life or i m just dancing to distract myself from the depression atp amthoughts,Depression +40831,tolu pepper alexlobaloba the sadness and depression is real but nothing come close to the feeling of miscarriage and losing a child i will take the sadness and depression over the last two anytime,Depression +40832,etherealwater thatemigirl lmoneytm brown eyed gyel bongani dee mizzzidc like doe she know what depression is,Depression +40833,depression is when you don t want to kiii yourself but you wish that you never existed,Depression +40834,cinoshikacho j assumerai pa moi c s r la derni re fois j ai fait une d pression post concert,Depression +40835,ugandan beauty jackiearinda ehhh ehhh sandra won t send her to depression okubye nnyoo,Depression +40836,saidsabristi mhs paris oui mais le gen concern s pour mhs ont litt ralement t d truits bcp d enfants en d pression de parent de enseignants tout le monde n a pa la m me force ce personnes ont subi une preuve terrible et aucune compassion de leurs semblables il faut creuser plus,Depression +40837,mental health scientist find out more about the new wellcomementalhealth award a major new funding opportunity investigating the causal mechanism underpinning effective intervention for anxiety depression and or psychosis webinar pm mar http t co moqw 9zd t,Depression +40838,depression anxiety lack of sleep lack of new yukika music lack of weed http t co d y 9 zpry,Depression +40839,minjy take care ye mungkin you boleh sembang sembang dengan kawan rapat you and luahkan apa di hati or do something that can give you satisfaction like house chore or running to get out from the depression,Depression +40840,lmao i literally forgot a whole as book venom but make it trans and about trauma and depression and even more explicitly gay than whatever wa going on in let there be carnage http t co ownsd u rf,Depression +40841,glorigeous around middle school specifically 0 9 to 0 had my deepest depression fr and i m thankful that i got out of it,Depression +40842,brexitbuster when people starved to death in the great depression drs were ordered to put heart failure on the death certificate instead of malnutrition etc,Depression +40843,keep it yall r u cappin so saturated no amo no thotties trust me depression and over for a like they,Depression +40844,misterrabbitt it influence people more than love kindness or friendship it will cause lover to quarrel people to be unkind and others to throw away friendship it brings about depression envy greed and a whole plethora of immoral and unethical behavior money truly rule all,Depression +40845,mizzzidc how can a pair of nike spiral you back to depression if this is the case your family house is not the problem you are the problem and you need to fix it,Depression +40846,tw depression bello avere delle amiche che non riescono proprio a capire anche se sanno che nei periodi in cui sto davvero molto male sparisco e quando scrivo loro e cerco di rimediare come se la depressione sparisse co eh non mi rispondono nemmeno,Depression +40847,depression your mom taking your sneaker it s well,Depression +40848,thedeshbhakt are u alright posting against jihadis waise watched some of your old conversation on newslaundery man u changed a lot ye modi bjp se hate is part of your own depression and propaganda,Depression +40849,theekween vhulivhadza help those who suffer from depression anxiety heart break or have witnessed something traumatic thelmasherbs,Depression +40850,happy international day against depression yeah today is my birthday too lol,Depression +40851,mizzzidc with all you have said you ve almost landed that woman into depression,Depression +40852,again thank you thank you thank you getting a gift during a really hard time cheer me up so much i told my friend my depression ha been cured i am so happy i have no word to even say jsdkaal i ll try my best and work really hard,Depression +40853,paul pogba reveals he struggled with depression from the fight with jose mourinho at manchester united http t co iuuvfeytce,Depression +40854,a zeeshan still in depression,Depression +40855,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing your loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40856,je vais faire une d pression c tait mon jeu de pause bu et avant de dormir,Depression +40857,bipolarblogger well i ve been lied to that i am not ill biologically simple blood test proved them wrong telling me i m just mad and mentally ill or having motivation issue due to bipolar depression or irritability doesn t raise my thyroid hormone or help with bodily inflammation due,Depression +40858,depression arai,Depression +40859,theekween it help with depression anxiety and loss of a loved one thelmaherbs,Depression +40860,this post covid depression is making me go through it,Depression +40861,le supporter de seahawks regardant le supporter de autres quipes rentrer en depression apr s le trade d un franchise player http t co oy0e kaf r,Depression +40862,bornbytheswamp makapa makhoro kaybee r bokang the bae wish u nothing more but depression,Depression +40863,depression arai,Depression +40864,hi twitter verse i know it been a while but stupid depression and nightmare can kick my as sometimes and i know a lot of my friend are here that i ve not gotten a chance to hang out with in a while i think about you guy quite often i miss you all no matter what,Depression +40865,halalhomer they believe like muslim will go and kill everyone like crazy war is aimed on the corrupted leader the destructive system which cause injustice and chaos in a country just check out depression and suicide rate if people know they d beg muslim to come and bring islam,Depression +40866,in this meta analysis their finding indicate that at a long follow up interval both positive effect such a a mild improvement in anxiety and depression and negative effect such a a decrease of long term memory verbal fluency and executive function are observed,Depression +40867,similarly if you re stuck in the rut of depression addiction or obsession your brain will welcome the opportunity to restore some plasticity to it unhealthily rigid behavioural and cognitive model,Depression +40868,hide depression,Depression +40869,theekween help people who suffer from depression anxiety loss of loved one heartbreaking or have witness something traumatic thelmaherbs http t co n fluyyqw,Depression +40870,alone king kch din baad ye bhi chale jayenge depression main lmao,Depression +40871,like i used to get so juice pressed about probably having unipolar depression for the rest of my life i feel tht i ve come to peace w it being either way now w my messiness habit im don t kno wht to think amp my feeling are quiet about tht rn,Depression +40872,nicorightsclub adridaplagueboi lowkebee bitducc mediumguyenergy dreamwastaken yea self diagnosis is important cuz how are u gon na go and get diagnosed in the first place lol it also depends on the condition it easy to tell if u have depression or anxiety but something like idk bpd is super difficult to diagnose cuz it share symptom with other stuff,Depression +40873,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression and pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs,Depression +40874,mizzzidc unfortunately this ha a ripple effect on the victim s mental complex and will no doubt change their relationship with their parent condoning such toxic pattern in black household ha left child with a lot of resentment and even worse depression,Depression +40875,francoispillet clemenceji ratio pour tenter de comparer un faf meurtrier qui avait de ant c dent dans l arm e de violence avec ton pote qui a fait une d pression tu e c urant,Depression +40876,bavugar joker lp is a tribute to the strongest person in the world my wife depression will not faze u this is for all those who are fighting for mental health awareness and mental illness you are not alone let s fight this together http t co unb fhkzpz,Depression +40877,giving them depression and anxiety cutting them off the food chain because it become all about collectible and utility artist amp musician have no utility they are the utility,Depression +40878,don t worry i m not taking part in a trial under false information so even though bipolar people suffer with depression apparently only people with depression and then add on diagnosis eg anxiety can take part,Depression +40879,tessaamrtz literal yo ya casi no entro pq m coge depression,Depression +40880,theekween vhulivhadza help those who suffer from depression anxiety heart break or have witnessed something traumatic thelmasherbs,Depression +40881,dil shikastagi isn t quite the same a depression but nice word nonetheless very apt for me,Depression +40882,findinmyway luv depression hit me out of nowhere last night,Depression +40883,0 supplement to help fight depression http t co tc tkc abj,Depression +40884,let me ask you a question are you a woman who ha struggled with anxiety a a result of my blindness i used to suffer from worry depression anxiety woman disability blindness http t co tztn urti http t co in avglhng,Depression +40885,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +40886,if you were to open my head you d see happiness and 9 pain that is my smile and laughter the 9 is just regret smh ing anger stress and depression,Depression +40887,nowplaying manic depression by jimi hendrix experience 0 http t co r umpqwwmv http t co n evcmygjc,Depression +40888,enough the depression message in a bottle and the very first night streaming party starting now http t co fqjbmbhawg,Depression +40889,ravivisvesvarayasharadaprasad http t co tivxonhqh mental health using social anxiety and depression a tool of productivity,Depression +40890,sa s mental healthcare cost rate average on the global scale the mental health price index 0 find depression is average and anxiety is lower in sa than in many part of the world http t co rsaxgsekb,Depression +40891,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +40892,sometimes i feel like the target audience for ovaltine beverage are people that are struggling with depression,Depression +40893,paul pogba man utd midfielder experienced depression under jose mourinho bbc sport http t co lqiuvbtd n,Depression +40894,i know how to get out it start with anger first then thinking ton of thinking think my way out of my own jail cell of the mind i m breaking out of here depression is a holding cell i don t wish on anyone,Depression +40895,kushaltweetz guddha musko thammudu already depression loki going http t co wchqiqiwk,Depression +40896,content by eugene cacao graphic by kath limfueco source holland k 0 september how to fight depression 0 thing to try healthline http t co o udqteja what is depression n d american psychiatric association http t co quoyn0j b,Depression +40897,theekween thelmasherbs it help with depression anxiety make you feel like your self again,Depression +40898,lordreginald same but if they survived the great dookie depression they ll be alright,Depression +40899,depression because of sneaker qlyv,Depression +40900,having depression or any mental illness rather is not a sign of weakness it doe not limit and determine your capability and worth to break the stigma we should all learn to be more compassionate with one another,Depression +40901,may 9th and september th are the worst day of the year for me and may in coming up so fast i feel the depression kicking in,Depression +40902,i m all set for post anime depression attackontitan http t co vj jjwfrow,Depression +40903,lately people have been romanticizing depression into something trendy which further stigmatizes the illness and the people diagnosed with it,Depression +40904,if your own brand of depression make you bring your mum to the timeline for public flogging it s not depression that is plaguing you it is just plain old foolishness your whole operating system is corrupted and need a total overhaul,Depression +40905,nataliekatoart good morning you are not alone in the depression phase i experienced it too keep spirit,Depression +40906,theekween heart break trauma anxiety depression pain of losing a loved one thelmasherbs http t co ayy9 a u r,Depression +40907,theekween depression le anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40908,theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40909,gop eleven one day pay all employee monthly pay one day you have no idea gop with gas a high a to rent being 00 useeoc these corporate company are going to lose to the depression and the government clash none of these company would survive without ppl like me,Depression +40910,theekween the herb is ideal for those that suffer from depression anxiety loss of a loved one heartbreak or have witnessed something tramatic thelmaherbs,Depression +40911,i m back unintentionally took a mental health break my depression got pretty rough,Depression +40912,i would like to send hug out to anyone who is fighting depression i feel you and i am too please have trust and faith in the divine you are loved we all need to know this i wish for healing for everyone bb,Depression +40913,i ve been eating on time but i feel like my main meal consisted of some food and depression,Depression +40914,vinpocetine for depression symptom amp mood disorder relief http t co zapfkyxdg9 http t co hqhozyg u,Depression +40915,depression ya these day yi nobu bipolar inside which one is this one,Depression +40916,depression is my friend,Depression +40917,the american psychiatric association apa state that depression is a common and severe mental illness that affect how individual feel think and act http t co arsp syayj,Depression +40918,theekween it help those that suffer from depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40919,theekween depression anxiety heart break thelmasherbs,Depression +40920,ddofinternet first you get a bottle of water second you drink it third you become more depressed fourth depression,Depression +40921,trained nh therapist are here to help you with your mental health if you have feeling of anxiety or depression you can refer yourself or your gp can refer you let u help you get your foot back on the ground go to http t co e onpgtu n talkingtheparies helpushelpyou http t co zxljdctvdp,Depression +40922,theekween it help with depression anxiety and loss of a loved one thelmaherbs,Depression +40923,cassou post concert depression tu connais,Depression +40924,haven t done much on twitter lately been in a slight depression how s my twitter fam,Depression +40925,the majority of society mix up depression with feeling sorrow or immense grief however we must understand that the sense of sadness is completely different from a mental illness rooted in depression http t co bfshs dmnc,Depression +40926,theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40927,depression 0,Depression +40928,from all the anxiety and depression that i overcame here s the essential lesson that i got in the end i only got my back,Depression +40929,espnfc so you give up start whining and blame jose sulking and depression are not the same depression is hideous sulking is childish and attention seeking,Depression +40930,theekween help with depression thelmasherbs,Depression +40931,add also insomnia denial depression hopelessness step forward and 00 step back because people still making parallel scene with another drama and never move on from you http t co if zghqebm,Depression +40932,theekween depression and anxiety thelmasherbs,Depression +40933,depression is a mental illness that ha multiple face amp is different per individual it come in different form amp it s important to acknowledge the fact that it can affect anyone amp no one is immune to it read up more about this article by capetimessa http t co y0wlrtvfmq,Depression +40934,parent contribute to their child s depression,Depression +40935,depression and suicide trying to win but i m fighting this battle,Depression +40936,visit my blog for some exciting article makeup beauty depression lifewithcerebralpalsy http t co g vtrepuij http t co z wudtfgjf,Depression +40937,you became this person in a dark room in a dressing gown completely unable to function if your child is experiencing depression there is hope for recovery headwaydaily see more at http t co meofhaqkel maudsley learning familymentalwealth familymentalhealth http t co fce bptkzz,Depression +40938,new podcast alert surrey scorcher guard caylin raftopoulos join the mvp cast to reveal his retirement plan and how he dealt with depression by learning to speak up http t co fn qbl r z,Depression +40939,the gladstudy is interested in learning about the underlying psychological medical amp genetic risk factor that play a crucial role in anxiety amp depression visit http t co dnzizcccur amp register your interest from cornwall partnership nh foundation trust nihrresearch http t co osgusuw j,Depression +40940,triviathursday onepsychcommunity trigger warning the following post discus depression suicidal ideation and suicidal attempt that may be harmful to some audience reader discretion is advised http t co tufohfqg,Depression +40941,il y a litt ralement ce qu on appelle la d pression hivernale donc oui oui rayon de soleil tout le monde est content,Depression +40942,deltawgmi for my depression,Depression +40943,but it s honestly time to go i can slowly feel depression creeping in with the amount of time i spend here unhappy if anyone come across this tweet please assist me with recommendation reference or job placement being in the hr field i fully understand how difficult it is,Depression +40944,abitofdarkness the thing about depression is that you dont feel sad you feel sick sick of life sick of yourself and sick of everyone and everything around you depression make you hate everything it make you angry it like being http t co spnyeolkd,Depression +40945,every thought is a battle every breath is a war and i don t think i m winning anymore depression depressed http t co v m af,Depression +40946,susie dent but when i do it i have clinical depression and anxiety and need to take my medication smh,Depression +40947,thomas pennec gna gna gna prot ger le autres gna gna pour vous pour nous gna gna gna on est oblig c est la loi gna gna gna aller au diable quelque chose d oblig qui fout le momes en d pression pa un seul putain d adulte aussi abruti soit il ne devrait l accepter point,Depression +40948,fvck off girl trying to use depression to get support and sh t just fvck off,Depression +40949,balqeesabd people that are mad they don too abuse mental health and depression too much,Depression +40950,tharani dd summa than undu than velai undu nu irukara pullaiya pudichi santhula iluthu vittu depression range ku kondu poitu pecha paaru http t co l vorkga,Depression +40951,wait i take that back rather than just for today stay away from me for the rest of my life my depression will only get worse with you around,Depression +40952,sirtagcr the depression you get from losing five battle continuously,Depression +40953,tanialt beth tastic widgetsworld spcialndsjungle teamsquarepeg so sen ipseacharity sendcrisis stevebroach eleanorjwright kimturner 0 gfreeman 0 renatabplus but in reality i get it i spent month in deep depression because of la move to remove our kid parent are exhausted and energy is pretty much depleted trying to get by on the minimum in financial support and tangible support fighting relentlessly for our own kid,Depression +40954,shytheo mizzzidc pappy bright the depression part is kinda much but if it were me i d be really mad co according to her it s a repeated action,Depression +40955,mindset machine these are helpful suggestion but don t guilt yourself if you can t always achieve them clinical depression anxiety etc and be disabling and often require professional treatment to overcome be patient with yourself and simply do the best you can with what life give you,Depression +40956,depression ha no face and it chooses no one,Depression +40957,i most likely need time away from social medium so i can get this flooring project started and find a new job in the process burn some fat maybe just maybe start to look attractive again to woman this here sitting around accepting depression a my best friend isn t working,Depression +40958,getting 0 0 a piece thats out of the test i have done so far for atar in that i have failed test and pretty much cause the first real hit of depression i am working with people now to try improve those mark but the fact that my brain went to the length of saying,Depression +40959,pjakma gadboit probably did well for mental health too a friend of ours who life in sweden came over to the uk last year and said literally everyone he met here had at least mild depression,Depression +40960,stop faking happiness if you are not happy say it and see the help depression kill faster than you could ever imagine,Depression +40961,all these because of sneaker make una try dey choose the problem wey una no wan get how will this spiral you back into depression,Depression +40962,lsd wa used in the treatment of anxiety depression psychosomatic disease and addiction http t co zdxhkdqean,Depression +40963,roberta ruffolo atanas hospitalstalkto gil bashe robturnerwrites wearablesexpert rgergelymd had covid last year jan almost lost my life took me month to recover extra to revitalize battled heart disease for a whole year before contracting covid my depression got severe and i went to start treatment lost my mom same period started ideating suicide wa tough,Depression +40964,hide depression tn,Depression +40965,just one hug to relief depression,Depression +40966,well with 9 score i got a msca pf still can hardly believe it i will spend year across labreif lab maier amp winclove studying gut microbe of treatment resistant depression patient working towards a probiotic product supporting treatment efficacy,Depression +40967,post anime depression sadge,Depression +40968,lightsnoor funfact c est scientifiquement prouv que oui la lumi re a un effet sur le moral de gen plus ou moins prononc d o le depression d hiver quand y en a moins ect donc au fond on est tous de plantes,Depression +40969,i m laughing coz i m high on depression,Depression +40970,the audacity some of you exhibit on this app is a lot then spice it up with talk of depression please si,Depression +40971,nach jahren die ich mit einem narzissten einem mann dem alles egal war und jemandem mit depression verbracht habe wird mir immer klarer da ich absolut keine vorstellung davon habe wie eine sichere vertrauens und liebevolle beziehung eigentlich aussehen sollte,Depression +40972,could a man with depression own and operate an air fryer didn t think so,Depression +40973,tazgezwitscher bekommt und durch geht weil e doch so einfach ist und du sitzt in dem raum allein mit diesem monster namens depression und bekommst den arm nicht hoch vor starrheit und angst und all dem anderen und niemand auf der anderen seite versteht da weil keiner da monster sieht,Depression +40974,y all throw the depression word all over nje mme o ikadima di ayashisa amatakkie nywe nywe spiral to depression,Depression +40975,wo ist die studie eigentlich ver ffentlicht oder machen wir ffentliche diskussion jetzt einfach ohne faktenbasis tipp f r alle die auch schlechte studien machen wollen einfach die spezifischen longcovid symptome nicht testen kipptisch usw daf r depression nicht abgrenzen,Depression +40976,nhlanhla lux will mislead you if you have stress and depression of unemployment,Depression +40977,slowly getting dragged by the foot into a depression pit and i can t tell if it s bc i slept wrong or if there s literally no reason at all,Depression +40978,d pression,Depression +40979,depression ha no face and it chooses no one,Depression +40980,i suffer depression just hearing jose mourinho s name,Depression +40981,fuck your depression uno,Depression +40982,everybody s trying to feel ok about themselves otherpeople mentalhealth selfhelp depression anxiety,Depression +40983,natalie craigf 99 monicablee it is for u bloke love still this is not a post about his depression it is regarding his football ability maybe read the thread happy thursday to you keep smiling and most of all bekind mufc,Depression +40984,osasue if shaggi is funny to you your depression is serious,Depression +40985,let the depression stage kick in now so it can be over soon,Depression +40986,ou encor mieux fais le si qd c est possible pen e ttes le pers de mon entourage ou proche amp largemt ttes le pers qui comprennent p le concept de douleurs fatigue handic et ou de d pression ttes le pers qui pensent q la motiva est le rem de miracle tt,Depression +40987,back in those skin crawling boredom bout that just result into depression bc like nothing is worth it anymore cheerz,Depression +40988,no way my depression song is playing durning a nice as chapter tf http t co hekcohnfbg,Depression +40989,masithoko dlomo mizzzidc you and that depression should be buried inside a casket since you ll want to pin everything on depression now no accountability,Depression +40990,patti wambold jeffgordonweb am glad that you got it i have not been on much at all am struggling big time with my depression it suck got alot of issue i am dealing with right now,Depression +40991,lennartspion finally overall mental state matter a lot when i wa at the worst of my depression writing my phd thesis it just made me sleepy no matter what work way better now im in a stable job with manageable project,Depression +40992,seasonal depression suck,Depression +40993,the great depression,Depression +40994,http t co vb0egkkj best way to cure depression naturally just wake up early depression bealive anxiety focus brain bestadvice youtubevideo,Depression +40995,barakasaimon what a toxic mom you can t just snatch my stuff like you don t care ima grow as now mom like what the fck were you thinking seriously am done living in this house am done doneee look what you have gotten me into am depressed depression ya nyokoo,Depression +40996,kupavet depression mental illness ain t child s play,Depression +40997,rishisunak the only think you re tackling is a tomahawk steak and a glass of wine while the rest of the country starve and dehydrate you sit there laughing it up while depression continues to rise,Depression +40998,soenfu http 00 ok date thu mar 0 0 gmt server apache unix red hat linux last modified thu mar 0 gmt content type text plain motivation inf depression inf creativity 0 cookingability 0 isalive true focusingon twitter,Depression +40999,lol i saw mental health in the chat and i m seeing depression now you lot sure love fancy dsm diagnosis,Depression +41000,artistofcalcio amyisunited all of them will be i imagine i mean i have sympathy for him having depression but his performance haven t been good enough over the last year amp he wa quite happy to let raiola disrupt thing every month,Depression +41001,this ha to change drastically and quickly so i can still breathe fuck depression fuck fear i stand by you the community it s time to dance http t co 0yongk cf,Depression +41002,paul pogba s est confi sport team sur sa d pression manchester united on est jug tous le trois jours on doit tre bon tout le temp alors qu on a de soucis comme tout le monde que ce soit avec no partenaires notre coach dans la vie de tous le jours http t co y qbcrfky,Depression +41003,i think my depression hit me for the third time,Depression +41004,gulshan hinaaltaf cylinder ka rate badhane se depression se kaise bahar aate hain doctor saheb koi sir pair hai teri baat ka,Depression +41005,chrissyxchi sorry that come across a if depression isn t real if it s not at that point everyone is different and depression take many form and affect u differently look after yourselves,Depression +41006,drewl rishisunak borisjohnson the great depression in the 9 0 is going to look like utopia compared to what is coming to every household not if you are a wealthy chap like rishi,Depression +41007,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co pwwuvws j,Depression +41008,adolescent sleep stereotype amp misunderstanding with garwboy learn more about the comorbidity with sleep problem anxiety amp depression plus whether the relationship between sleep problem amp psychopathology is bidirectional full podcast http t co s jso f http t co lk ssi dc,Depression +41009,hold tight it s nearly the weekend here s roger inferno attending a seminar to deal with his negative thought like a totally normal person depressed superhero webcomic mentalhealthmatters depression superheroes webcomics comic positivevibesonly itsokaytonotbeokay http t co erpvmv l n,Depression +41010,stats feed there is russia all my frends in depression,Depression +41011,depression kicken mich in bett,Depression +41012,thogden ever heard of a club known a notts county depression seems to never end,Depression +41013,photogenic fury and suicide become the news s stipend while photogenic depression and sadness are wank material for song,Depression +41014,mayorkun and poco snap fit cure depression,Depression +41015,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co pz vurvh0,Depression +41016,finally got my med so hopefully i climb out of the depression slump still a bit rough for now though so i ll take this photo a a future benchmark http t co ytl xwedd,Depression +41017,candy say thats really great to hear i ve always loved cooking cooking is so good for your emotional wellbeing that and some therapist are now recommending cooking class a a way to treat depression and anxiety a well a eating disorder adhd and addiction,Depression +41018,mizzzidc move the fuck out of yr mother house she cant be getting disrespected in her own house bcoz of a pair sneaker dont play the depression card u are gng to be really depressed wen she kick u out,Depression +41019,we play the game of love to avoid depression,Depression +41020,the after effect of this drama is a whole new level of depression how am i supposed to live my life after knowing all the thing happened to her omg whyyyy whyyyyyyy,Depression +41021,i fear i may go into a depression pit i miss my friend,Depression +41022,stanning him ha added joy to my life he s not a tool to fantasize in your arm he s not a play thing to go crazy over he s an artist you like him because his art is adding a new flavor to your time his song mean something to me my depression wa understood and respected in,Depression +41023,chrissyxchi real depression is when wow no longer sustains you and your usual off wow game also hold no joy,Depression +41024,depression hitting real good today,Depression +41025,thestrangersay mahinay bad jakay facial paralysis theek hoye or depression ka to na poch jahilyah day,Depression +41026,participant needed for online survey topic investigating the effect of attachment on different dimension http t co e uzeuquh via surveycircle lovelanguages attachment depression mindfulness psychology survey surveycircle http t co fvfh u9 ff,Depression +41027,can batman with prep time cure my depression,Depression +41028,nah fuck your depression at this point you can t talk to your mother like this and post it on social medium,Depression +41029,don t go on social medium is the simple solution it is all a waste of time add to feeling of inadequacy can lead to depression and creates a split personality of how you want to be seen and who you really are it ha made everyone a narcissist http t co t myb jykc,Depression +41030,jimbob 0 craigf 99 monicablee what ha this gota do with depression life is not all about football,Depression +41031,manchester united midfielder paul pogba ha revealed that he ha experienced depression during his time at old trafford pogba is currently nearing the end of his sixth campaign at united and it is expected to be his last a he contemplates http t co tqy jcdeqj http t co vpllqru tq,Depression +41032,rht0 bfmtv en france d apr s vous quelqu un qui ne peut exercer de m tier par probl me mental en pleine d pression admettons doit donc mourir de faim c est bien ce que vous sou entendez du coup,Depression +41033,stats feed what an irony finland is the happiest country in the world and it still fall under top 0 country with highest rate of depression irony aparanjape chetan bhagat anandmahindra hvgoenka sardesairajdeep,Depression +41034,martingommel double depression im sinne einer dysthymie ist allerdings noch immer ein gro e problem und dagegen hilft kaum etwas ich w nsche dir von herzen das du etwas findest da dir hilft und das e dir dadurch besser geht,Depression +41035,ogbenidipo and some people on that tweet saw nothing wrong with what she did and even applauded her for doing it and saying it s not insult she didn t think of the depression her mom wld go thru seeing she is being dragged on social medium co of sneaker it finish indeed,Depression +41036,maammalice everyone s seasonal depression is gone after a few day of sun and we are all now touching ourselves with excitement,Depression +41037,just remembered that doctor have told me i have depression amp that make a lot of sense seeing how i took monday off saying i wa sick but just could not for the life of me bring myself g work amp i m literally writing an email at am saying im not coming the rest of the week,Depression +41038,therapy day again depression mentalhealth mentalhealthawareness momentum http t co teqvxekg,Depression +41039,godspeed mide gianee vhic tore heard he fall into depression after acting g o t,Depression +41040,paul pogba reveals he s battled depression since split with jose mourinho at manchester united http t co ga st9nrdz,Depression +41041,desi people will not believe in depression but still say dil kharab ho rha hai,Depression +41042,there is very little that people will not excuse a long a you mention depression a a primary motivator the depression free pas is extensive,Depression +41043,jesssicrap not sure why a report of pain elicits such a high level of disbelief doe this also occur when patient report shortness of breath nausea depression fatigue anxiety vertigo and many other symptom that are difficult to quantify why is pain so different,Depression +41044,lounisdell stats feed i don t think a country s depression rate depends on world event people have their own personal problem too,Depression +41045,rending on kindle rv oopsies think yourself into becoming a language learning super star living well with chronic illness lesson of labor rv depression chronicillness languagelearning parenting childbirth http t co ikm thcige,Depression +41046,martingommel f hle so mit dir beim einschlafen immer flashback nachts manchmal panikattacken und beim aufwachen wieder nen flashback wa mir geholfen hat war eine psychotherapie mit traumatherapie inhalten dadurch ist e zumindest am tag besser geworden die chronische depression,Depression +41047,fallmaiden why it s such a big offence because constantly people tell me i should be ashamed for liking the show that it s trash that it s for child that i should die just for liking it that show brought me through the worst time of my depression and made me smile when i,Depression +41048,let me get this straight so your mom wearing your sneaker will spiral you back to depression wawu,Depression +41049,mizzzidc the way people throw the word depression and mental health at every slight provocation these day is just alarming,Depression +41050,anirudh noob simp for depression,Depression +41051,on the last episode of top boy depression is real,Depression +41052,faroukserf david9 gonda depression,Depression +41053,littleruen il va partir en d pression la,Depression +41054,i just got my car back last week and it s fucked up again the depression is fresh,Depression +41055,kapag nakakapanood ako ng video about mental health depression etc nattrigger pa rin ako naaalala ko yung mga pinagdaanan ko but still kahit yun yung mga darkest moment ng buhay ko grateful pa rin ako na pinagdaanan ko yon,Depression +41056,realmissdike actually don jazzy had a god like influence on the music industry at that time sha plus it wa a legal tussle to add to it so there wa no moving for wc think depression set in along the way for him too,Depression +41057,efbwrites fantasypeddler my depression,Depression +41058,mellynisaki saki help i m being possessed by this thing called loneliness and depression,Depression +41059,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co f ayloznc,Depression +41060,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co v ulbjpxa,Depression +41061,get rid of the anxiety depression and severe stress end alcoholism do shrooms http t co gbpex gcrv,Depression +41062,who is the mastermind behind depression due to nepotism theory and why wa this theory encouraged by mupo even when no suic de note wa found from the crime scene ip nupurprasad drjitendrasingh doptgoi pmoindia hmoindia ip association ssr social medium compromised,Depression +41063,need for daily alcohol dosage in order to do so this atrocious but free mental health clinic make it a little difficult but it s still a hell of a lot better than nothing it s not just a lack of med though i ve heard quite a few people say that depression come from,Depression +41064,ijerph vol 9 page retraction lee et al nurse amp rsquo attitude toward psychiatric help for depression the serial mediation effect of self stigma and depression on public stigma and attitude toward psychiatric help int j environ http t co kaihyujyjl,Depression +41065,quelle est la raison de votre d pression et pourquoi le etude,Depression +41066,tout le compte rp idolish qui arrive ca soigne ma d pression,Depression +41067,ketamine may relieve depression by repairing damaged brain circuit tm amp brain health http t co ija0nrvf9 cognitivefitness aging,Depression +41068,le plus dangereux au lyc e c est pa la d pression ou le suicide mais c est clairement se faire sucer dans le couloirs,Depression +41069,chris 9 0 that s very true i think so many people are suffering from anxiety and depression right now we need to just listen to what they have to say listen to what s going on in there life right now,Depression +41070,solanaplays k sol that s crazy i went on depression for month for sol,Depression +41071,well i got diagnosed with depression guess 0 won t be my year either,Depression +41072,zainab 09 9 i believe she lost her battle to depression,Depression +41073,bounce backloan anyone in this group got a bbl with lloyd my poor friend ha business collapsed now assessed a unfit for work stress amp depression lloyd haven t even contacted him about his missed repayment sent moorecroft debt collector straight in,Depression +41074,man do crime society woman s he is a criminal he is a monster bla bla bla woman do crime from decade society woman s itself it s depression it s self defence woman would defend anything done by their fellow sister http t co mk j c jsh http t co zjbnbowzjn,Depression +41075,really i need to work on my confidence and just doing stuff but with how low my self esteem ha been it s just been getting harder and harder to do anything i went on a rant in my wow discord about it that and how much my depression seems to have come back,Depression +41076,depression and anxiety is a bitch i envy those people who don t have it,Depression +41077,conflict in the very north part of the world result in economic depression at the eastofafrica many day away politics will still play super opportunist promise are in the way of this fiesta the ongoing conflict serving a an additive to promote political ambition,Depression +41078,mizzzidc is this reaction and depression talk because your mom wore your nike shoe no there must be more to this this generation ha been taught nonsense do you know how many time your parent denied themselves of pleasure and even necessity just to train you pls seek help,Depression +41079,the great depression,Depression +41080,ase depression ke go nna ka motseng wa batswadi,Depression +41081,adhd alien i truly despise that notion for exactly that reason i don t believe it bear any truth of course someone else can love you when you don t love yourself i have so much love for people close to me regardless of their depression and self loathing and vice versa,Depression +41082,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co xcjz hquj,Depression +41083,proflappleby my person diagnosis depression been told nothing more cmht can do,Depression +41084,leitora9 how depression look like,Depression +41085,just realised that urdu word for depression is dil shakistagi the defeat of heart the feeling that whatever war you were fighting for sanity are lost your wall are broken and now you need a rescue whoever coined it really knew what it felt like,Depression +41086,aahmddr gradyymk je me ba encore contre ma d pression videmment y a pa que la pillule qui rentre en jeu mais c est le facteur d clencheur,Depression +41087,depression is feeling somewhat okay throughout the day when you re around other people or out in public but the minute you re on your own and there s no one else around it feel like some dark shadow is just looming over you and weighing down on your shoulder,Depression +41088,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co nsby jeyib,Depression +41089,some of u are still living in denial about the state of the country that s the only way we get by day by day without falling into depression or anxiety,Depression +41090,i have another meeting with my counsellor tomorrow and imma probably get those result on the depression anxiety and social anxiety test questionairres i did so we ll see how that go lol,Depression +41091,i wonder what misery awaits me in the msq today but that will have to wait until later i refuse to start off my morning with depression and a side of despair gold saucer shenanigan and such before starting work http t co mmfvogcfiu,Depression +41092,aahmddr gradyymk perso c est ce que j ai fais il m ont meme pa un irm apres examen il ont d clar que j avais rien j ai donc t contrainte de prendre une pillule qui m a fait tomber en d pression et an apr s avoir chang de pillule pour une plus soft avec un cycle de j,Depression +41093,9 0 s boxing in the 9 0 s wa affected by one of the biggest economic struggle in the history of the united state the depression era because of the suffering american economy many boxer were offered lower amount of money causing them to only box for passion http t co id y o,Depression +41094,mf out here fighting depression,Depression +41095,moderate depression,Depression +41096,mizzzidc you are depressed over a shoe you spoke rudely to your mom and then posted it on the internet i mean over a f shoe and you want to heal from depression dear child you are badly behaved i hope you are healing from the depression now,Depression +41097,two nfts worth 0k now worth 00 i m slowing sliding into depression,Depression +41098,penelopek that mini depression that hit you a week before your period woman go thru alot pls,Depression +41099,pour certain jimenez est mort de suite d une d pression pantani d un oed me pulmonaire et simpson d une insolation tout ressemblance avec de v nements r cent etc etc,Depression +41100,post partum depression isn t preached well enough most new mom are not always happy they had the baby,Depression +41101,good morning i have crippling depression http t co wpedw lez,Depression +41102,man do crime society woman s he is a criminal he is a monster bla bla bla woman do crime from decade society woman s itself it s depression it s self defence hypocrisy http t co evffplq0ug http t co 0gxfpnbrsx,Depression +41103,another day another depression nap,Depression +41104,mediccasts the alternative is suicide which is the most selfish and coward move there is people who consider that ha no sympathy from me fighting depression now that s something to be proud of,Depression +41105,joynerlucas machinegunkelly nice toxic masculinity good to know your music about issue like suicide and depression were just fake shit for click if you had real mental health issue you wouldn t be perpetuating homophobia and toxic masculinity every cent you ve earned wa through coopting other s pain,Depression +41106,bipolar ii disorder bipolar ii disorder involves period of hypomania but depression is often the dominant state for a diagnosis of bipolar ii disorder a person must have had one or more episode of depression at least one hypomanic episode no other diagnosis,Depression +41107,there s a possibility that for most people what s effective is the placebo effect of taking a medicine therapy can be a effective to treat depression but most people don t like it because it take longer and cost more money,Depression +41108,the article is saying that the chemical imbalance is just a hypothesis and the real cause of depression is unknown antidepressant are perceived a effective on managing depression but once you take them you won t be able to function without them,Depression +41109,tldr we ve been told that depression is caused by chemical imbalance in the brain but is it really pharma industry produce drug to fix the chemical balance the most common antidepressant is called ssri which will increase the level of serotonin in the brain,Depression +41110,they say there are five stage of grief denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance well i d like to add one more revenge,Depression +41111,now when you say depression are you referring to a map commerce or mental health cuz i know nvmd,Depression +41112,pmarca tszzl how doe this gel with rising loneliness and depression though social medium usage is in fact associated with these thing http t co z9 fmrok w http t co hc mf gqmq,Depression +41113,mental confusion from physical or psychological pain the influence of chemical or disease physical and mental pain may cause fear anger and stress chemical change magnify the pain and can cause depression,Depression +41114,i really don t wan na self diagnose i mean i don t think i am pero i really wan na get checked by a doctor for depression and anxiety bc everything i m experiencing are pointing to those two idk i just i m so scared of ppl telling me how i should feel or invalidating my emotion,Depression +41115,femibello you think mourinho wasn t depressed with pogba s poor form and later sack and won t he be depressed by his name being linked to pogba by being the cause of his depression it seems mourinho ha no mental health,Depression +41116,an idiot speaks anyhow to her biological mother and think that s not enough but must come online to rubbish the one that gave her suck your depression is still loading oshisko,Depression +41117,shrooms get rid of every form of severe stress pain anxiety and depression hit my dm for all order and related info http t co izbxlcdwwi,Depression +41118,university drain a lot of energy in student damn the level of depression there could make a lot lose weight,Depression +41119,i m pretty sure the gym is curing my depression bc i ve been a funny mf lately,Depression +41120,depression stress,Depression +41121,going to clean my depression room so i can change the desk and the bookshelf http t co dy0jj slj,Depression +41122,inamupwa ndati how do i get out of my depression and go live my life agh,Depression +41123,funny for paul pogba to blame his depression or whatever on mourinho funny bcos pogba feel his fall out with mourinho is the most traumatizing experience he ha ever had not being benched and winning absolutely nothing under ol joker,Depression +41124,thakre aarya wd9 9 stats feed explain to me then why white people feel more depression like give me an article that scientifically explains it,Depression +41125,pikuprogram it s still jojo the depression hit me again like a truck,Depression +41126,mizzzidc if a pair of shoe will put you in a depression issue are deeper please understand you are so blessed to have ur mum don t ever lose an opportunity to appreciate her whatever your issue try to speak to her with respect and kindness she deserves that from you please,Depression +41127,adhd autism and depression are a real nasty combo,Depression +41128,depression s killing me rn,Depression +41129,cancel culture ha a greater chance of killing me through anxiety depression misery and bigotry than the career any tedious comedian left right or centre who is upset that someone objected to their gag,Depression +41130,you know i may sometimes get my as kicked by my depression but overall my depression is struggling with me rather than the other way around these day and i consider that an achievement,Depression +41131,all time henry kb9 platini zidane kopa juste ce noms le mette en d pression,Depression +41132,life the rest are society pressure and those are partially playing a big role in causing depression hence the losing life of many men those thing actually depress,Depression +41133,this is just a bad pain day but it s really hard not to sink into a deep depression again over how these day are just going to be part of my life for the foreseeable future because there s no cure for pot and the treatment is mainly eat more salty food,Depression +41134,denismcmichael thakre aarya stats feed and that those country also know and can freely express depression and are informed of what it is,Depression +41135,wizarab 0 aunty said this would spiral her back into depression i just can t abeg sneaker,Depression +41136,amidst the conflict among ukraine and russia in a contention and testing climate when there wa a ton of disturbance doubt disarray and depression in the security exchange subscriberuchisoyafpo,Depression +41137,amiriissaa brytonzablon mchelsea hawajui kuna vitu kama depression,Depression +41138,this randomized study gave cannabis medical card to people who sought help for insomnia pain anxiety or depression the intervention wa related to subjective improvement of insomnia and mental well being but also to a higher incidence of cannabis problem http t co zvkczsxmjx,Depression +41139,zahidmunir 9 stress depression anxiety garmiii parhai error,Depression +41140,ogbenidipo iwa were gba we see the reason you are deep in depression you can t speak this way to your parent and expect to be healed of depression in actual fact it will sink you deep into depression,Depression +41141,oslinam lwala la depression hawu,Depression +41142,i wish i could find a way to live without these voice in my head but if i lose my only companion i would be better off dead depression poetry poem mentalhealth,Depression +41143,how to recover from depression http t co bevtz0dj0a,Depression +41144,caviarpurple israelite same here the depression is really eating me up switching off would literally solve everything for me but i m too chicken to do it atm http t co vvadmsoxsi,Depression +41145,sometimes people become apathetic because of depression or trauma other time people turn to apathy after repeatedly being disenfranchised –,Depression +41146,efic org i had nonspecific lower back amp hip pain for a couple of week it wa seriously disrupting my sleep and putting me in a bad mood i stopped leaning over the bathtub to rinse the dish or pick up the full dish rack and lo and behold the pain went away musta been depression,Depression +41147,through a series of negotiation amp alliance coupled w issue of filipino product competing w u s product in the great depression filipino leader were able to gather support for the bill authored by sen millard tydings amp rep john mcduffie http t co pt smyuq,Depression +41148,get inflow i got adhd anxiety depression it s a fun time,Depression +41149,f ck dich ich brauch dich heute bestimmt nicht depression,Depression +41150,there s much depression in europe and the leading cause can be traced to psychological overload the peace and prosperity of europe come with boredom something nigerian will never understand or relate with cuz there s no loneliness in nigeria,Depression +41151,totailm 0i give me depression,Depression +41152,ibrahimkrts stats feed wait is that the same depression a the original tweeter is comparing,Depression +41153,pogba sur son niveau catastrophique c tait mourinho quand jos est partie il mets a sur le compte de la d pression mdrrr,Depression +41154,wawaeilicious bdk skrg ni memg kurang didikan agama atau memg dah tak ada agama atau ramai bdk melayu bkn islam cara lain kau tu memg kau boleh decide ke utk matikan diri kau awal benda ni trigger kot utk org yg ada depression hari minta mati tp tau bunuh diri tu dosa ada cara tak dosa,Depression +41155,heartbreaking to see kid taking their life out of depression stress amp grief no parent deserves this trauma our education system is extremely result driven amp the pressure it put on the kid is unfathomable but political interference in place of education is just too much,Depression +41156,mental health using social anxiety and depression a tool of productivity http t co i p0xklncz,Depression +41157,sleepless night become more frequent a i slip back into the black hole depression anxiety stress pain anger sadness loneliness hurt all of it just collides and the you start to spin why try and stop it you always end up back here hello my old friend,Depression +41158,man utd star paul pogba open up on depression battle paul pogba ha http t co dihwtfgf open pogba http t co bsjashbyiu,Depression +41159,man utd star paul pogba open up on depression battle paul pogba ha http t co qjhmdticll open pogba http t co djmrhqlit,Depression +41160,look like the first stage of depression for most people wa triggered by mishandling by parent,Depression +41161,post concert depression except it s post hockey game depression http t co xr v9dbswf,Depression +41162,who launch yearlong campaign to fight depression slogan is let s talk http t co v0nvzbxxzs,Depression +41163,depression suck especially accompanied by insomnia and chronic pain chroniclife,Depression +41164,do i play pjsekai to forget the fact i wa clinically diagnosed with social anxiety and depression or do i hug miku plush and think about the fact i wa clinically diagnosed with social anxiety and depression,Depression +41165,mizzzidc imagine making sacrifice just to raise a child and said child flip up at you like this because of a sneaker she s gon na get back an average parent might go into depression,Depression +41166,we re out of the bundus god complex stage of depression is in obashata,Depression +41167,slipknot be having their music about serial killer suicide death drug depression hatred and in like yupppp just what i need,Depression +41168,toutelaverit tu va avoir une d pression quand elle va parler commande de tranxen 000,Depression +41169,mizzzidc lmaooo this one is mad and doesn t have anyone to tell her the way we form wokeness sef is making everything clownish talking about depression lolz please whatever is disturbing you go way deeper than the shoe and the vent of a private convo is rather unnecessary shm,Depression +41170,too much accumulation of knowledge without execution lead to depression growth forex crypto davido victony fireboy,Depression +41171,boydifference you choose the type you want to listen to brymo ha different type of song that go with different mood in which you are there are many brymo song that lift your spirit give you hope and brings you out of depression totally brymo is a versatile singer bro,Depression +41172,quakeroatsfemb nice sometimes i also do that it s a great way to remove the layer of depression,Depression +41173,micro dose shroom capsule for depression anxiety and ptsd http t co vg rkqppt,Depression +41174,so i had a depression yesterday n mom saw me cry so hard n she thought i wa cry about my study n worried about my last exam in month but my heartless as wa cry about a fucking boy,Depression +41175,liebe depression ich will mein leben zur ck also verpiss dich endlich ich hab kein bock mehr auf grau in grau mit grau ich werde mir jetzt die farben zur ckholen ob du da willst oder nicht die welt ist bunt und ich werde da wieder zu sehen lernen notjustsad,Depression +41176,rising out of depression and anxiety is the trickiest trip one can take mentalhealth http t co ub9uycqzuw,Depression +41177,mentalhealth depression http t co new ybx 9u http t co juf9dkhiku,Depression +41178,depression cause feeling of sadness and or a loss of interest in activity you once enjoyed it can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problem and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home,Depression +41179,unnati bagga understanding kill anxiety understanding kill depression understanding in detail and get super curious what is anxiety what is the real root cause how can i change the cause you re not your mind you re not your body you ve both of them so you re superior feel it,Depression +41180,notyour kainat itni utri howi sorat ko kon follow kary phely kam depression hai,Depression +41181,depression remedy little step big impact http t co kebtd od depression humanpsychology remedy,Depression +41182,mizzzidc the word depression is thrown around a lot on this app honestly you could ve addressed any issue you have with your mom privately know what to post and not now we know how you speak to your mom and how disrespectful you are to her over a pair of sneaker,Depression +41183,good morning dear community i m safe and sound thank you for checking up on me and supporting me depression stage took week i guess i m moving to acceptance it s been a month since the beginning of war they said we d fall in day but we re still standing,Depression +41184,flowfy0 kenklot manlikeicey people will just be capping nonesense she died of depression yen yen the word depression wasn t even been abused then like they do now she died of blood clot disorder,Depression +41185,my anxiety and depression ha been through the roof these past few week i can feel myself taking it out on others it s not intentional but it just happens i think it s time to take a few step back from everything and focus more on me and my mental health,Depression +41186,you know kalau aku percaya semua benda kat internet aku probably ada anxiety adhd depression and some form of cancer,Depression +41187,afterrmc pvsportfr fcmetz domicile pour surmonter ma d pression,Depression +41188,essteeem depression be real,Depression +41189,please tell me how to block cleavage amp boob word aur voh wale bhi jisme ladki ladko ko expose karti hai unke s wale chat dalke bc hamne bhi ek time pe ek ladki ko kayi message kiye the ab bc sare lafde wale tweet dekh ke apne depression wale din yaad arahe hai,Depression +41190,nhsuk the issue with this a a formerly obese person is the jolly fat folk persona i wasn t amp all those i know amp help are not happy being fat it is a myth put out by the food industry suggesting we are happy being metabolically unhealthy the depression caused is astronomical,Depression +41191,why the heck am i still awake i m usually so tired all the time but once a week it seems my mind body say no sleep for you wtf nosleep insomnia depression stress http t co oyjph znfy,Depression +41192,gmb ive just retired ive had nothing from the budget but gosh how in such a time of depression war and these time we are all in a terrible time cut the cloth the nh need help i think he is trying to help what do you want money around the world is the same it sad,Depression +41193,mizzzidc depression for shoe ma am sit down,Depression +41194,poison for real i had a c section they gave me ibuprofen like wtf that didn t do anything and got postpartum depression on top of that too,Depression +41195,being a fan is willful depression at this point and there s no one to blame but myself,Depression +41196,gon na start seeing my depression like a symbiote,Depression +41197,your language show your depression get well soon those who are using mask willingly or by compulsion will not support you even u may be right,Depression +41198,i treasure my own company in fact i love it but is it really me that want to remain a recluse or is it ptsd and depression http t co sukn atq p ptsdpuzzle zachradcliffphd edwarrior 9 wemattertooinc leadproject depress0 accio shinjini parikabhatli,Depression +41199,depression is so real i m over this feeling,Depression +41200,ajnr 0 obama manuel cyrill wegotalkam isaacquophai boyekweku broken heart 90 jon kay rockson soul izzatelkhawaja and here i am thinking money cure depression eei,Depression +41201,lci verif tf lci tdeszpot allez voir espagnol de le suisse autriche pay chaud ou assez rich belgique il restent pa trop de pluie depression,Depression +41202,honourable mention to this song about aquarius which i would often sing and dance to with immense intensity when on the edge of depression in donny living in my dangerous deprived pain filled area http t co w ijatmpkm,Depression +41203,msmelbee i wa a mh nurse working in gp surgery gatekeeping pt with depression and anxiety to try and keep them out the system gps thought it wa a brilliant success the power that be thought it too expensive and got rid of u for phone triage,Depression +41204,waldodior teamkhabib i wa taught the same thing and wa bullied all through my high school year i have serious resentment because of it and depression which grew because i had to suffer in silence i will teach my kid to fight back if they feel threatened in anyway,Depression +41205,i ve heard people say it s mood swing i ve heard some say it s emotional play i ve heard people say it is what it is yet in all of this no understanding depression is a mental health disorder often misinterpreted and overlooked by many,Depression +41206,there s a very thin line between lack of money and depression,Depression +41207,http t co fceklau ff for your depression,Depression +41208,the absence of the ability to just get over it is depression,Depression +41209,i should write an article on what to do if you slip back into depression,Depression +41210,mental disorder trait depression,Depression +41211,depression in older adult recognizing the sign of elderly depression and getting treatment http t co is9mstwzwu like share follow,Depression +41212,brown eyed gyel bongani dee mizzzidc perhaps we need to redefine the word depression,Depression +41213,mizzzidc your mum for that matter irrespective of the past doesn t worth this shame you brought upon her by pasting the screenshot i wish you a quick healing process from your depression don t forget that an addidas sneaker shouldn t worth more than an 00,Depression +41214,just played beach house day of candy depression cherry,Depression +41215,depression nap gt gt gt,Depression +41216,one of the greatest healer of depression is thanksgiving be thankfuk today,Depression +41217,footballer open up about depression crossydailystar toxic waste i think we know who the toxic waste is here,Depression +41218,musikpirat durch den h heren preis sinkt die nachfrage und durch den zoll kann sich die marge verringern aber das vor allem spekulanten damit reich und reicher werden und das strafz lle in der weimarer republik und den usa in die great depression gef hrt haben lassen wir au en vor,Depression +41219,jonnyfx no article on the fact his home wa robbed while he wa at the game and his kid where at home or about his battle with depression nope let twist his one quote about not winning trohpies to drive more hatred journalism these day if you could call it that sickens me,Depression +41220,die luftfahrtindustrie zieht nach der corona depression wieder voll an allein airbus hat angek ndigt in diesem jahr 0 neue flugzeuge zu bauen gr te herausforderung nat rlich auch dort rohstoffe und energie http t co cdyncinz c,Depression +41221,the 0 halsey melanie martinez troye sivan lana to 0 depression pipeline,Depression +41222,idk what it is with depression but it always make you feel like the bad guy me breath me right after what a po always breathing wrong,Depression +41223,just cause my depression not kicking my as like it use to don t mean i m not still dealing with it,Depression +41224,ispahanjahane la psychologue dupont marie estelle a trait ce sujet sans oublier la d pression le id e noires,Depression +41225,je t ai sauv de la rue tu l a sauv de la d pression,Depression +41226,openaccess thejcpp evidence for machine learning guided early prediction of acute outcome in the treatment of depressed child and adolescent with antidepressant by arjun p athreya of mayoclinic et al http t co jq nldickx depression mentalhealth,Depression +41227,nothing make me feel more loved than knowing my close friend have my back my depression had been getting to me late at night to the point where i m having trouble sleeping and my anxiety is peaked but i always have the best people to cheer me up and calm my thought,Depression +41228,that tiktok ab trying combat depression daily wow it is so right,Depression +41229,u first think the solution to avoid hurt and heartbreak is staying out of love and marriage until u realize that abstinence come with another type of hurt and depression that come with loneliness and not having person u call ur own may love find u,Depression +41230,if you ask yourself how am i still awake after only sleeping hour it s stressed about bio exam at 0 so im studying running on a black coffee and a bagel about to make another black coffee to stay warm and depression cry,Depression +41231,she s a afraid of you somebody killed herself bcos of depression after sexual assault by you,Depression +41232,recently i ve been barely sleeping and eating to the point where i m sometimes embarrassed to go in public because i look like i have two black eye i also have zero energy and frequent tremor in my arm bleh depression suck,Depression +41233,lecturer are actually the most atrocious people who trigger a lot of depression rude when you ask for help setting quarter to impossible paper and then come to class and brag to student how they ve acquired their degree peak condescension,Depression +41234,a veces no sentimos tan mal que llegamos a creer que la persona de nuestro alrededor est n fastidiad s de nosotros y queremos platicar con alguien pero ya no queremos molestarlos depresion depression,Depression +41235,tellyoursonthis it s called depression anxiety and stress in the west black magic someone want you harm while we don t consider other people s action and thought s to be evil or the reason for our misfortune,Depression +41236,wer mit einem depressiven menschen zu tun hat st t unweigerlich an seine grenzen denn der umgang mit ihnen ist anstrengend in great depression schreibt unsere kolumnistin ber psychische erkrankungen http t co pb wfwnglf,Depression +41237,derldium dojowrld ain t even gon na lie winning this a day before my bday would be a game changer for my extreme lack of motivation and hella depression a of late lol http t co mpurp prsx,Depression +41238,mizzzidc mizzzidc you need help depression is setting in pls seek for a professional care,Depression +41239,0 gi depression,Depression +41240,if depression wa a garden,Depression +41241,never felt so embarrassed by our fanbase these last few day all clamouring to support jodi when he spoke about his depression barely even mths ago shouting his name when they see him warming up now he s suddenly a drain on the club and doesn t deserve our support funny that,Depression +41242,man is my depression ever gon na go away i m honestly so sick of this,Depression +41243,it s not out of place for people to slip back into depression what s out of place is not seeking help,Depression +41244,medfitblondie it will also be life changing when you come off of them so much so in my experience that you will one day wish you never started them yes the energy is great the focus is great but when you get off them depression will set in fatigue amp sleepiness will last week,Depression +41245,quand vous comprendrait que tre gros ne viens pa du fait de mal manger mais de plein d autre facteurs la g n tique le tca le hormone le trouble mentaux la d pression l anxi t ect l o pourrais avancer,Depression +41246,gaslighting myself into getting rid of my depression and anxiety,Depression +41247,uncertainty loss and isolation during the covid 9 period have contributed to depression and anxiety exercise is essential to help maintain good mental health and reduce the risk of depression and anxiety brainhealth healthylifestyle avivclinics http t co kpli i bb,Depression +41248,ohmyelio google with the fact bruh omg i can always count on google to cure me haha but not my depression,Depression +41249,bon j ai de nouveau tait au m decin hier mon arr t est prolong jusque fin avril et j ai un psy a voir pour parler de ma d pression,Depression +41250,ik this wa his depression outfit but i couldnt no laugh at it look at him he wa wearing stede s clothes and writing song abt not wanting to let him go izzy how could you do this to u http t co avvlcv ixx,Depression +41251,mizzzidc nah that depression go finish you,Depression +41252,seemesimyyyy eya ndalama ivute zibweziso zivute kunja nkwa depression uku,Depression +41253,the great depression,Depression +41254,this is the first time i ve cried since december last year it s a powerful feeling emotion run strong i m wired different since i have autism so i react differently and can take depression and sadness easier than most but this hit me hard af,Depression +41255,currently struggling to deal with headache dizzy chest pain shortness of breath cough sore throat soon depression,Depression +41256,because of ordinary shoe oloshi leleyi o depression co of ordinary nike sneaker if na lv or prada nko,Depression +41257,shankiaustine depression,Depression +41258,i m so open about my experience with postnatal depression because i don t want any new mum frantically googling why don t i love my baby amp what s wrong with me like i did postnatal depression is so common ranging in severity regardless you re not alone,Depression +41259,butthole depression,Depression +41260,what if this happened then i dont have money omg slfl depression 0,Depression +41261,utdjazzy kia kare wou khudh depression mein hai,Depression +41262,andygaming une seule issue changer il n y aura probablement aucune volution de carri re de plus tu risque de tomber en d pression,Depression +41263,depression grippe ac,Depression +41264,darknbold biolakazeem love and light from me too but i had to unfollow him on all his account so not to fall into depression too blaming mourinho not his fault it s the club that chose him over mourinho someone that should come out and humbly apologise to the club and fan before he leaf,Depression +41265,mtee w deolfc mizzzidc if the lack of respect for some sth serious like abuse then yes but not angry your mother wore your sneaker your sibling don t borrow y alls shoe amp necklace without asking first just to start posting on twitter amp cry depression if sb forgets this one s charger nkor,Depression +41266,annaxmayr diezeit m hsal schr nkt teilhabe ein besonders wenn diese schon eine weile vorliegt au folgen demoralisierter gem tsverfassung bzw stimmung um nicht von depression zu sprechen wa letztlich dazu f hrt das leute sich zur ckziehen hinweis auf content geh rt einfach zum guten ton,Depression +41267,me gustar a crear un espacio para hablar sobre los siguientes temas depression peliculas musica hilo ser a muy cool platicar con ustedes que opinan,Depression +41268,oluwatimeelehin you no dey see report wey say him they battle depression,Depression +41269,cause of depression 0 mark http t co ha ni dih,Depression +41270,entering a depression week i feel it,Depression +41271,could you imagine angel eva fight against titan we got double depression http t co rqscb dom,Depression +41272,she added i m also emotional because i know this will spiral me back to depression yet she put it out here woke generation and b this one two want to be respected like this,Depression +41273,mizzzidc this isn t real if it s real your depression is warming up,Depression +41274,mizzzidc la fisto how about you just move out wtf are you doing living with your parent anyway especially since you re claiming that it s causing your depression,Depression +41275,when the depression hit,Depression +41276,sorry if i m not a active i ve been going through depression but my artificial intelligence bot avar is keeping me up,Depression +41277,i nyctophile yup which is not necessarily equivalent to depression na,Depression +41278,chaque jour le fc metz me plonge en d pression ce club ne m a pa rendu heureux depuis la victoire face a lyon an et demi sans me rendre heureux,Depression +41279,i wa one of them it still haunt me and i m unsure if i ll ever let go of having to endure month without support with a newborn and a year old whilst suffering post natal depression i m still feeling the effect nearly two year later pregnantscrewed butnotmaternity,Depression +41280,angery chungus most opppressed memory loss is a symptom of depression j,Depression +41281,babdhlamini she s looking for cheap therapy talking about depression and all like this singular act won t push her down that path faster,Depression +41282,guy seasonal depression is over it s time for just regular depression now im so happy,Depression +41283,bajabitchin after a week long depression i finally managed to do some work on stuff i m behind on,Depression +41284,depression healed,Depression +41285,so why are depressed people so lazy the first thing to realize is that fighting depression is a full time job depressed people sleep a lot because their brain get tired from fighting negative thought and feeling all day,Depression +41286,karenlo 0 i am okay tired and still struggling with my depression how about you,Depression +41287,ngayon lang ulit ako nag stay sa bahay kaya nasuot ko mga sando and short kong sa bahay ko lang nasusuot ta napansin ko shett semexy ako mga 9 hahahahaha chariz wala lang na appreciate ko lang yun lang siguro magandang nadulot ng depression sakin wahahahah,Depression +41288,owen 90 who do british people still eat like there in the great depression era,Depression +41289,have the perfect combo of cash and depression to go for an absurdly long tattoo session tomorrow sorry to my artist,Depression +41290,i open to every experience that life offer emotion feeling sadness confusion happiness excitement depression lowest point of life challenge change adventure artistic feel dream desire knowledge new people new culture innovation open mindedness,Depression +41291,je pense supprimer twitter parce que bonjour la d pression ici y a de personnes joyeuses dans votre tl vous,Depression +41292,when my depression go wayyy down deep i say okay diana you re going into dark mood what can i do to fix it,Depression +41293,lately i ve been calling my depression dark mode,Depression +41294,dude im going to work w my dad today bc he is determined to get me out of depression mode but i am still awake,Depression +41295,vanessafungamw we need to educate ourselves that it s ok to stay single if there s no right person available marriage already ha enough financial stress then on top of that you do it with the wrong person ndiye ma depression nama bp aya muvi kwati,Depression +41296,this view of depression is disturbingly common despite all the work mental health activist have put into fighting the stigmatization of mental illness negative and ignorant perception of the disorder remain prevalent,Depression +41297,this suit me much better than working in a care home and hospital eg i ve had a lot of death and sickness in my life amp i found it fundamentally difficult to manage my depression when facing the end of life and loss of self and huge emotional pain so deeply,Depression +41298,elmartinsz she said it will spiral her back into depression she might actually need help sha and maybe the parent too sef are being hurtful we don t exactly know her struggle but omo we always tend to support parent in these sort of situation,Depression +41299,i ve always joked about depression but lately i ve found myself facing overwhelming feeling of a sadness that can t be described in word i pray i have it in me to face this and not get consumed by it,Depression +41300,depression over nike shoe which your own mother might have bought what disrespect too is this,Depression +41301,if you get a concealer for hiding your dark spot then why dont you get one for your emotion emotion dark depression quote thought anxiety,Depression +41302,mizzzidc but move out soon swettie you sound like a breadwinner so have your own place to avoid sinking into depression over sneaker,Depression +41303,depression is when you don t want to live and don t want to die either,Depression +41304,amp usually get anxious excited expectant whenever they pick up their phone to refresh their page for new content it often lead to depression amp anxiety disorder,Depression +41305,depression i love it,Depression +41306,cpt depression http t co c0clievua9,Depression +41307,i have been getting body pain by manic depression it s very awkward for drawing,Depression +41308,i m sure that twitter doesn t know the definition of depression,Depression +41309,metalgearobama people with depression should not,Depression +41310,siya oo natashia lindo noxolo n ori rsa i will never understand how they don t see it because it brings nothing but unnecessary stress anxiety and depression,Depression +41311,a no better way to fight depression http t co qmw or dmf,Depression +41312,mizzzidc why post it online backing your stupid act with kicking back to depression trying to play emotional game to win pity from people you ll commit suicide because of shoe lol i m sorry for you dear keep up the energy,Depression +41313,i don t know about y all but i really fucking hate when people act like depression is just being really sad,Depression +41314,join u next wednesday at am a we cover the urbanhealthcouncil s recent work on ecological health report present urbanisation role in disease development such a depression and it link to air pollution urban planning is healthcare http t co xoz rsunxh,Depression +41315,hawkmansworld some random person on twitter not hurting anyone bvs helped with my depression match why bvs killed my dog and you should feel bad,Depression +41316,depression f in suck,Depression +41317,yung nag hahanap ka ng magandang bl tapos nahanap mo trauma at depression http t co scidekgqjd,Depression +41318,ugh the struggle with depression and anxiety is real rn not to mention my insomnia is wanting to act up too zzzzzz i hate my brain sometimes,Depression +41319,oh yes hb to one of the most intr movie in history let s tell each other the impression of our first viewing of electroma i remember it wa in the year 0 and then this film raised a lot of question for me cuz i wa not prepared to sit and watch robot die of depression,Depression +41320,people in eelam live in depression the reason is that passing every hour from waking up in the morning till going to sleep at night is a difficult task where else but tamil nadu stoparrestingeelamtamils,Depression +41321,mpilo miya darqhskined asf brown eyed gyel bongani dee mizzzidc who bought the shoe for her her work saving or her parent money i understand her being annoyed about the sneaker people can spoil your stuff if you let them wear it too much but it s her mother she didn t have to post it to make her mother look bad amp cry depression,Depression +41322,et faut aussi arr tez d avoir cette mala de dire ici que vos enfants vont forc ment sombre dans le hors mariage dans la d pression forc e si il ont subits une r gle de caste a croire que c est la seule issu possible,Depression +41323,just washed the huge pile of post binge depression dish from my bedside table who s proud of me,Depression +41324,we support you with anxiety stress depression trauma bereavement negative emotion for more information please call 0 0 009 adhd addiction traumainformed trauma cbt mentalhealthmatters depression http t co xdn zg 9 9,Depression +41325,mizzzidc honestly i think this wa too much for u to treat your mom this way co of sneaker imagine the depression she would feel too that her own daughter took her to social medium co of sneaker what if she had come on sm for the pain she went thru when she had your pregnancy,Depression +41326,cpt depression correct,Depression +41327,ammarkhaledmus depression a,Depression +41328,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co e stifhjtx,Depression +41329,ayodi avico allannyash depression,Depression +41330,mizzzidc la fisto healing from sneaker depression,Depression +41331,twitringmachine anamardoll i mean with her portrayal of bipolar her view on depression amp victim of suicide autism really wasn t that far out it s like an ableism trifecta autism is weird amp ruin life personality disorder are abusive depression is fake amp attention seeking,Depression +41332,cpt depression like you and the baby ohhhhhhsnap don t block me,Depression +41333,drshashsnk hoi but good thing is i can afford both therapy and book no more depression,Depression +41334,we re here to help we are online therapy platform which essentially connects certified psychologist and people suffering from mental health issue such a depression stress and anxiety among dozen of other clinically defined disorder book your appointment now http t co 0uhhroudrr,Depression +41335,yangsfolder lu harus liat rant gue sih i went through stage of depression hari ini,Depression +41336,pogba is one of the most irresponsible player of this era man tried to pin his depression issh on mourinho who insulted the class of 9 co him he sanctioned a big contract for him and helped him win trophy,Depression +41337,i fucking hate the depression stage but i developed tool to work around it alcohol and lot of comedy and lot of sleep http t co u0giyncg0j,Depression +41338,welcome everyone we are happy to continue our discussion on postnatal depression with you now how different is postnataldepression from maternal blue come on in and learn some more postpartummentalhealth timewithdrnita http t co cmfou0tnan,Depression +41339,br karl lauterbach bundeskanzler c lindner ziehen wir mal milliarden von den 00 milliarden f r bundeswehr ab sonst kommen die an au dem frust in die depression da wird volkswirtschaftlich teuer,Depression +41340,my alt acc look like it s made by someone with major depression and schizophrenia while being high on ketamine,Depression +41341,cephaldo mizzzidc these people love depression ke matepe fela mo,Depression +41342,pharmaceutical vol page 9 depression and autoimmune hypothyroidism amp mdash their relationship and the effect of treating psychiatric and thyroid disorder on change in clinical and biochemical parameter including bdnf and other cytokin http t co i9 bnbj vm,Depression +41343,the nd account is suspended tho let them rejoice depression is eating them all up,Depression +41344,fighter kev it s funny how they are all facing stress sorrow and depression then,Depression +41345,kalau mau ikut logik sndri susah ba tu mau kontrol postpartum punya emosi tp syukur c husband sangat mbantu dalam mengubati amp melayan sy kalau dia kasi biar sy sndri tu konfom sy tewas suda sama postpartum emotion depression,Depression +41346,trauma is real depression is real don t underestimate them but also don t underestimate the power of allah to treat them anti depressant don t do anything compared to what god can do,Depression +41347,mother depression arc,Depression +41348,odogwuelder brown eyed gyel bongani dee mizzzidc imagine her doing this drying depression over forgotten sneaker if this one loses her job or a child nkor what will she do,Depression +41349,cpt depression don t do this to me yesterday wa exhausting,Depression +41350,stats feed indian doesn t know what is depression we would have been topping the list otherwise,Depression +41351,mizzzidc any small thing una go tag am mental health depression and trauma so it s co of sneaker your mental health suddenly got affected get your own apartment if you want privacy si,Depression +41352,myocardium dl shikista could be heart broken depression is yasiat,Depression +41353,chabi prsk tu l a fais tomb en d pression,Depression +41354,bunkern 0 korpkvinnan chrissiesth haha vi betalar mer skatt n dig du kan aldrig g till ett sjukhus elr apotek utan att se os d r vi ger typ alla restauranger medan du r sjukanm ld pga ngest och depression,Depression +41355,the idea that we are not allowed to feel sad depressed grieve over something just because other people have it worse than u is so toxic it invalidates our own feeling and make sadness depression grief a privilege for a selected few,Depression +41356,depression is the new cool small thing i m depressed a microscopic glance at what s making them depressed amp you ll realise they re trivial amp le worrisome the people who actually undergo depression barely announce it cause a major xteristic of the syndrome is reclusion,Depression +41357,ethocide mina mina anca oc armenian turkish coffee baklava delight greek alphabet also turkish ottoman persian also turkish genocide also turkish war crime also turkish economic depression also turkish mongol also turkish dictatorship also turkish racism also turkish fascism also turkish rape also turkish sexism also turkish also turkish,Depression +41358,also the anxiety and post groove depression yho ha a sana,Depression +41359,didnt know having too much anxiety and the overwhelming depression is gon na make sleep at am sleep all day i misssed a lot,Depression +41360,the war trauma will take so long to heal god in heaven i pray for peace to come soon said he had fallen into a depression the two day curfew and all the explosion have got to me i had so many plan for this year and now they are gone,Depression +41361,myb just of the way the chronic depression that ive gotten from wrote down her step on step being killed inside fortheringay castle trapped by pain n wa smth like concrete physical or traumatic scene when elizabeth didnt do anything when the blood gushing from her head,Depression +41362,in the big city he wa in depression and now please just look at his face this is the face of freedom this is the face of a big relief this is the face of an islander he always had been a mirror of our emotion and now seeing him like this just warms my heart,Depression +41363,i get angry at myself because of how depressed i get and the fact that i can t control it i m genuinely a happy person so when my depression hit hard i get mad at me,Depression +41364,tw depression okay besties i need some help opinion ab my struggle with brushing my hair i currently have really bad knot in my hair and i m hispanic white and my hair is so thick and curly i don t understand how to properly take care of it and i haven t brushed my hair,Depression +41365,it s so satisfying to say i did some work on my writing today and today i can say that amwritersclub amwriting writingcommunity mentalhealth depression mentalillness http t co z b rmtose,Depression +41366,depression go dey regret why e exist y all blaming your bad character on depression that shit is tired,Depression +41367,maria0 0 9 depression,Depression +41368,boningwigald so sieht meine momentane depression au,Depression +41369,rsk depression,Depression +41370,iamdepr 9 have you talked to anyone about how you feel mentalhealth depression,Depression +41371,yinkapost he went into depression i think,Depression +41372,adewunmitemit 9 weirdpeace olumurewa the sound of your depression,Depression +41373,absalomjuma kukufa na depression,Depression +41374,pogba never said that manchester united wa dead to him furthermore just day after opening up about mental health and depression some journalist label pogba a toxic waste absolutely awful and just plain wrong mufc http t co m0oaeifywc,Depression +41375,solarishilton this wa me in high school because i wa being abused physically and verbally at home and had severe depression but college is different since you don t have to go by law so idk,Depression +41376,patrick coate jackposobiec agree 00 the arrogance of the biden administration will sink this country into a huge depression liberal been canceling anything and anyone they don t like soon our standard our living will be canceled by others who hate our gut and the dollar,Depression +41377,engysmohamed of depression,Depression +41378,bitch come and go but depression stay,Depression +41379,taking small step move you forward small manageable step allow you to develop your skill and progress faster anxiety anxious depression depressed learning selfhelp http t co jblxbl azz,Depression +41380,jerotichseii marthakarua the same lot that ha caused oppression depression among the people poverty nepotism and capitalism have found formerly well thought but no longer betrayal is the new normal,Depression +41381,thepradeeprawat aastha tiwari sir please help state baord student we want internalassessment we are in mental pressure and depression,Depression +41382,mizzzidc o masepa a ngwana straight wena the way you we spoke to your mom it s like you were talking to your small sister even if you can go back to depression voetsak http t co y hsjd nr,Depression +41383,orethebrave but we all like writing that we can work under pressure me na to cry i cried sotey i pack my load and left my work place before i go die for depression i don t know who told employer that they don t praise employee but right now in that office thing i did a a,Depression +41384,guh the anatomy on this is horrible but this wa mostly drawn to help me get through some heavy depression so forgive that,Depression +41385,buong nier series depression dala,Depression +41386,mund ia am good bro dealing with some mental health issue bipolar on a depression stage now been on a manic stage for a while,Depression +41387,depression because of some trainer get a grip man fuckin drama queen,Depression +41388,mizzzidc imagine what you d do to someone else if you can actually say this rubbish to ur mom and you re so proud of posting this shit damn you re the biggest bastard i ve ever seen in my entire life damn make depression kill you dia you good for nothing daughter ewu fool nama,Depression +41389,joeedwyer put poet on the moon i want to hear about depression on the moon,Depression +41390,people just throw the word depression around,Depression +41391,anyway depression might be a bitch but it feel so good to be alive lt,Depression +41392,koschbob jonathanhatami the great depression saw crime spike to it highest point in the u especially in regard to theft when job don t pay enough and cost keep rising people who aren t able to lean on supporter or debt resort to crime in order to make it or fall into homelessness amp squalor,Depression +41393,masha allah i been dey wait make someone tweet this icing taste like sweetened depression of a person with dissociative amnesia,Depression +41394,fuck depression when,Depression +41395,i wish i had the kind of depression that knocked me out for a few week at a time so that maybe people would actually realize i m not doing that well but instead i m the olympic champion at masking,Depression +41396,sorry about message n such i have been stewing in my apartment depression napping tryna will myself to feel better though tomorrow i will try to be functional,Depression +41397,mizzzidc you are spiralling me back into depression with your tweet http t co a9hjljkr p,Depression +41398,mizzzidc and you get mind put it here i hope ur bf or husband to be and his mother is seeing what is awaiting them ending it with emotional blackmail of u going into yeye depression nonsense,Depression +41399,i think i m just a bother to everyone i m going to hurt someone depression imheret 0,Depression +41400,a blackened sky encroached tugging behind it my depression,Depression +41401,mtee w deolfc mizzzidc there s a difference between telling her what s it on twitter for for god sake then come here claiming depression everything is depression these day,Depression +41402,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina 00,Depression +41403,hidalgo colle une d pression limoges imaginez paris http t co srdl dukc,Depression +41404,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina 99,Depression +41405,perruchee peteblacklab her dog had a phantom pregnancy and after her depression my auntie decided to breed her and only sell puppy to people she knew so the mumma dog will still see them http t co jvhtisc sf,Depression +41406,birthday depression just ha an extra level of spice to it,Depression +41407,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41408,mizzzidc you just dragged your mum in the mud over a sneaker and you talk about depression y all know how to throw this word around carelessly don t you making those who are really depressed look like fool when y all are the real fool,Depression +41409,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41410,an overview of the biology of depression http t co kia ver ul,Depression +41411,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41412,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41413,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41414,gaindaswamy ye kon si ameero wali bimari hai mujhe to sirf depression pata thi,Depression +41415,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41416,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41417,i miss those day where we used to play till we saw the sun go down now life s just stress stress stress with a huge dollop of depression,Depression +41418,being border restricted victim day by day we getting engulfed in frustration depression suicidal attempt and much more that we can t express in word depression fmwangyisaveindianstudents takeusbacktochina,Depression +41419,the funniest part about that tweet is the lady saying her mom wearing her sneaker will spiral her back to depression obviously doesn t have real life problem if her mom wearing her shoe sends her into depression,Depression +41420,gemhostofficial jwu po from depression nap,Depression +41421,pyromg massive depression and sudden musical interlude i have two trait shut up,Depression +41422,imohumoren that s where i have a problem not knowing who s is who till i got con of 00usd con another neighbour of 00k sold the gen in my family house now have till april end before i get kicked out all i have now is depression desperation without smoking,Depression +41423,iamigboblood nonyekings mizzzidc likeee someone who s depressed with rant they ll go low they won t even bring it to social medium doe she know what depression mean people who re depressed don t cap outside,Depression +41424,glamgirlgargiee beleg bur or bhal hoisiii o exam huni huni moi depression t gusi goisiiii,Depression +41425,dmurr emotional stability it will cater to a lot of depression and suicidal situation,Depression +41426,i m not here to debate y all if my take make you uncomfortable good critical thinking isn t flowery it s why i have clinical depression i m prone to screaming about it into the void,Depression +41427,why do i feel like i m being punished for having depression,Depression +41428,when the depression start feeling like ruining all your friendship,Depression +41429,capillarity n the rise or depression of a liquid in a narrow tube french related to capillary,Depression +41430,well i ve made it in to college i may have little makeup on and comfy clothes and drank alcohol to fall asleep last night but at least i m out of bed i don t want this depression anymore,Depression +41431,viennaceleste no wednesday game with viewer that s almost equal to clinical depression c,Depression +41432,body ache is one of the worst thing about depression i hate it,Depression +41433,brother silverr mizzzidc la fisto she s the reason for her own depression and by the way i think she need therapy on how to keep off from clout,Depression +41434,just realized that urdu word for depression is dil shakistagi the defeat of heart the feeling that whatever war you were fighting for sanity are lost your wall are broken and now you need a rescue whoever coined it really knew what it felt like,Depression +41435,mizzzidc i know this will spiral me back to depression of all thing to spiral one back to depression you chose this ya just mental is your shoe that precious you own mother fah mehn gtfoh,Depression +41436,fardachev reasonablemangh telefootball but we were winning thing it wa just imaginary depression on part of the football they got ole a manager and what did he do worse than moyes,Depression +41437,tutsy e say e wan heal from the depression torus bata notori olohun,Depression +41438,this is beautiful but now i also have depression,Depression +41439,how comedian battle depression and stress in private life fantegh on th http t co gwdy td via youtube,Depression +41440,important sign you may need help for depression now via pensignal mentalhealth depression selfhelp medical psychology http t co y zdkxgqk,Depression +41441,dktofficiall i haven t talked about depression in my post kindly read again but yes if you feel depressed kindly seek help,Depression +41442,zerohedge depression is spelled with a d not r,Depression +41443,welcome to my dark side via smedian network life parenting mentalhealth depression motherhood http t co kciu zdx,Depression +41444,asante se she is driving herself to depression by being selfish and vicious,Depression +41445,andilegcumisa maybe i underestimate this depression thing,Depression +41446,shrooms and chocolate bar edible good for depression and anxiety ht http t co dz9jxhaant,Depression +41447,mizzzidc what nonsense disrespect your mom then dangle depression toxic human,Depression +41448,diljan sidhu samhaig90 9 figenabler his severe depression say otherwise,Depression +41449,cahmo done condone nonsense in your marriage oo that s how most woman slip into depression your life must not revolve around your man them no born two of una together if he love and respect you he won t drag you in the poteaux poteaux,Depression +41450,tutsy u are minding her she come say she won enter depression i said happy depression ijmn ungrateful soul,Depression +41451,erdbeerquaark und morgen depression friday,Depression +41452,medfitblondie brain altering mood depression anger no way god bless you,Depression +41453,everyone subtweeting their s o saying sad shit is a fucking goober please save some of your depression for when bong bong win,Depression +41454,said he had fallen into a depression the two day curfew and all the explosion have got to me i had so many plan for this year and now they are gone,Depression +41455,you ever see your depression dread and feel kinda racist,Depression +41456,unkleayo i just hate it when toxic people play the depression card after hurting another person if one ha truly struggled with deep sadness hurting another person would be the least in your agenda unless you re a psycho,Depression +41457,eleyvanbow jamesgrickards when the russian economy enters recession then depression and the ruble continues to get hammered the russian people will find solace in the fact that their central bank bought gold the last couple year,Depression +41458,i ended my depression when i stopped procrastinating free ebook unlock your power via r freeebooks http t co v wwlg p,Depression +41459,post concert depression lt lt lt barmi ma,Depression +41460,mompontet je savais qu il tait en pleine d pression mais a n excuse pa tout,Depression +41461,year ago i wa a grade student this is probably the funniest class i have ever had before diving in to depression next school year http t co u ufvp ea,Depression +41462,i hate when the sadness creep in on me depression b like time to over think about and worry about everything and remember how alone u are u are a huge disappointment it take so much out of me to build myself up sometimes,Depression +41463,your mom deserves a better child than you you said she forgot them not intentionally leave them there so why are you barking and degrading your mom in public for some clout hope the depression is the end of you btw,Depression +41464,no online class for upcoming class 0th there must be both option of both online and offline class whole year online class lead to stress depression and pressure incomplete course and offline exam this is not fair at all smeodisha,Depression +41465,i have tuned in into pak v au sadness depression trophy series,Depression +41466,imma just give a head up incase my brain want to fuck me over more in the next few hour im in a really rough spot mentally rn so tweet will be really weird sad funny or just irl b idk expect fuck shit here and there mixed with depression it s hittin hard,Depression +41467,every time i do life drawing at my old uni after work it s a mix of relief and relaxation getting to have a creative outlet and extreme sadness and depression wanting to learn and enjoy drawing again knowing i don t fit in and i ll be overwhelmed and break down again if i tried,Depression +41468,midwest republican called themselves progressive then democrat were mostly conservative til fdr when thing changed cuz the previous yr harding coolidge hoover had been anything but progressive dems became more liberal in the depression republican more hidebound,Depression +41469,i get so many thing done when i m not in a depression episode,Depression +41470,mrrholmes photography film photography movie depression abel good taste just being chill,Depression +41471,depression is real lady lere jesa pay tsa rona bohloko,Depression +41472,among child in ohc 9 diagnosed with psych neurodev disorder compared with 0 among those never in ohc the most common disorder among child in ohc were depression anxiety disorder neurodev disorder oppositional defiant disorder conduct disorder odd cd,Depression +41473,bolajioyebode depression co your mama wear your bata where are these people from,Depression +41474,there is stage of grief denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance,Depression +41475,it wa just who i am a reason behind the way my mind worked it doesn t make the depression sting any le but it make it bearable to know that this is just a way of life one i don t have to spend every second trying to push away but to learn to move together,Depression +41476,emilthedk zebragrun so ist e auf dem gymnasium meiner jung auch zwei m dchen ritzen sich eine mit depression momentan in der klinik zwei jung nicht mehr beschulbar klassenstufen 9 und ef und da wa wir mitbekommen ist sicher nur die spitze de eisbergs e ist furchtbar,Depression +41477,ryangtweetstv i absolutely agree it seems like he s running away from the issue here rather than facing it head on stacey made it very clear how dangerous mania can get and the depression that follows yet he choose to basically run away i think you may be right about harvey s wife,Depression +41478,mushroom capsule available full dose for people suffering from serve depression anxiety amp serve pain mentalhealthmatters mentalhealth nftgiveaways psychedelic http t co wty f nmue,Depression +41479,not this werey playing the depression card,Depression +41480,mizzzidc i hope you kee yourself with that depression,Depression +41481,skynews jayneseckersky rishisunak there are two meaning for depression and we are heading for both,Depression +41482,brown eyed gyel that s not depression dude that s being upset http t co ofshzqrka0,Depression +41483,oh hey it s the depression hour,Depression +41484,pogba a re re mo tsentse depression,Depression +41485,i am not an ecomomist but i wa hit by the last recession to me i feel this will be more like recession depression i wa above my level in high school for this field hang on to your money,Depression +41486,helpsophia mein bahut depression mein hun maam for money plz give me 0k i will return u your money in few month plz mam,Depression +41487,dmt powder helping with depression amp anxiety dmt psychedelics nftgiveaways mentalhealth mushroomhead http t co xjixiuinun,Depression +41488,divya gandotra to be in continuous state of doubt anxiety and depression that s their motto it seems,Depression +41489,thlolo march eh it s because i don t want stress mjolo uyi depression,Depression +41490,i hate it when i m having depression day and then something i wrote get published like i m sad but also happy but also guilty for being sad brain bitch what do u want,Depression +41491,educational depression,Depression +41492,dmt powder helping with depression amp anxiety dmt psychedelics nftgiveaways mentalhealth mushroomhead http t co rerydsu9,Depression +41493,the great depression money armageddon ep0 http t co b9 lryf n,Depression +41494,switchfoot http twitpic com y zl awww that s a bummer you shoulda got david carr of third day to do it d,Normal +41495,is upset that he can t update his facebook by texting it and might cry a a result school today also blah,Normal +41496,kenichan i dived many time for the ball managed to save 0 the rest go out of bound,Normal +41497,my whole body feel itchy and like it on fire,Normal +41498,nationwideclass no it s not behaving at all i m mad why am i here because i can t see you all over there,Normal +41499,kwesidei not the whole crew,Normal +41500,need a hug,Normal +41501,loltrish hey long time no see yes rain a bit only a bit lol i m fine thanks how s you,Normal +41502,tatiana k nope they didn t have it,Normal +41503,twittera que me muera,Normal +41504,spring break in plain city it s snowing,Normal +41505,i just re pierced my ear,Normal +41506,caregiving i couldn t bear to watch it and i thought the ua loss wa embarrassing,Normal +41507,octolinz it it count idk why i did either you never talk to me anymore,Normal +41508,smarrison i would ve been the first but i didn t have a gun not really though zac snyder s just a doucheclown,Normal +41509,iamjazzyfizzle i wish i got to watch it with you i miss you and iamlilnicki how wa the premiere,Normal +41510,hollis death scene will hurt me severely to watch on film wry is director cut not out now,Normal +41511,about to file tax,Normal +41512,lettya ahh ive always wanted to see rent love the soundtrack,Normal +41513,fakerpattypattz oh dear were you drinking out of the forgotten table drink,Normal +41514,alydesigns i wa out most of the day so didn t get much done,Normal +41515,one of my friend called me and asked to meet with her at mid valley today but i ve no time sigh,Normal +41516,angry barista i baked you a cake but i ated it,Normal +41517,this week is not going a i had hoped,Normal +41518,blagh class at tomorrow,Normal +41519,i hate when i have to call and wake people up,Normal +41520,just going to cry myself to sleep after watching marley and me,Normal +41521,im sad now miss lilly,Normal +41522,ooooh lol that leslie and ok i won t do it again so leslie won t get mad again,Normal +41523,meh almost lover is the exception this track get me depressed every time,Normal +41524,some hacked my account on aim now i have to make a new one,Normal +41525,alielayus i want to go to promote gear and groove but unfornately no ride there i may b going to the one in anaheim in may though,Normal +41526,thought sleeping in wa an option tomorrow but realizing that it now is not evaluation in the morning and work in the afternoon,Normal +41527,julieebaby awe i love you too am here i miss you,Normal +41528,humpninja i cry my asian eye to sleep at night,Normal +41529,ok i m sick and spent an hour sitting in the shower cause i wa too sick to stand and held back the puke like a champ bed now,Normal +41530,cocomix0 ill tell ya the story later not a good day and ill be workin for like three more hour,Normal +41531,missxu sorry bed time came here gmt http is gd fnge,Normal +41532,fleurylis i don t either it depressing i don t think i even want to know about the kid in suitcase,Normal +41533,bed class work gym or then class 0 another day that s gon na fly by i miss my girlfriend,Normal +41534,really don t feel like getting up today but got to study to for tomorrow practical exam,Normal +41535,he s the reason for the teardrop on my guitar the only one who ha enough of me to break my heart,Normal +41536,sad sad sad i don t know why but i hate this feeling i wan na sleep and i still can t,Normal +41537,jonathanrknight awww i soo wish i wa there to see you finally comfortable im sad that i missed it,Normal +41538,falling asleep just heard about that tracy girl s body being found how sad my heart break for that family,Normal +41539,viennah yay i m happy for you with your job but that also mean le time for me and you,Normal +41540,just checked my user timeline on my blackberry it look like the twanking is still happening are ppl still having probs w bgs and uids,Normal +41541,oh man wa ironing jeancjumbe s fave top to wear to a meeting burnt it,Normal +41542,is strangely sad about lilo and samro breaking up,Normal +41543,tea oh i m so sorry i didn t think about that before retweeting,Normal +41544,broadband plan a massive broken promise http tinyurl com dcuc via www diigo com tautao still waiting for broadband we are,Normal +41545,localtweeps wow ton of reply from you may have to unfollow so i can see my friend tweet you re scrolling the feed a lot,Normal +41546,our duck and chicken are taking wayyy too long to hatch,Normal +41547,put vacation photo online a few yr ago pc crashed and now i forget the name of the site,Normal +41548,i need a hug,Normal +41549,andywana not sure what they are only that they are po a much a i want to i dont think can trade away company asset sorry andy,Normal +41550,oanhlove i hate when that happens,Normal +41551,i have a sad feeling that dallas is not going to show up i got ta say though you d think more show would use music from the game mmm,Normal +41552,ugh 9 degree tomorrow,Normal +41553,where did u move to i thought u were already in sd hmmm random u found me glad to hear yer doing well,Normal +41554,batmanyng i miss my p it s out of commission wutcha playing have you copped blood on the sand,Normal +41555,just leaving the parking lot of work,Normal +41556,the life is cool but not for me,Normal +41557,sadly though i ve never gotten to experience the post coitus cigarette before and now i never will,Normal +41558,i had such a nice day too bad the rain come in tomorrow at am,Normal +41559,starrbby too bad i won t be around i lost my job and can t even pay my phone bill lmao aw shuck,Normal +41560,damm back to school tomorrow,Normal +41561,mo job no money how in the hell is min wage here f n clam an hour,Normal +41562,katortiz not forever see you soon,Normal +41563,lt algonquin agreed i saw the failwhale allllll day today,Normal +41564,jdarter oh haha dude i dont really look at em unless someone say hey i added you sorry i m so terrible at that i need a pop up,Normal +41565,ninjen i m sure you re right i need to start working out with you and the nikster or jared at least,Normal +41566,i really hate how people dis my band trace is clearly not ugly,Normal +41567,gym attire today wa puma singlet adidas short and black business sock and leather shoe lucky did not run into any cute girl,Normal +41568,why won t you show my location http twitpic com y e,Normal +41569,no picnic my phone smell like citrus,Normal +41570,ashleyac my donkey is sensitive about such comment nevertheless he d and me d be glad to see your mug asap charger is still awol,Normal +41571,no new csi tonight fml,Normal +41572,i think my arm are sore from tennis,Normal +41573,wonder why someone that u like so much can make you so unhappy in a split seccond depressed,Normal +41574,sleep soon i just hate saying bye and see you tomorrow for the night,Normal +41575,statravelau just got ur newsletter those fare really are unbelievable shame i already booked and paid for mine,Normal +41576,missin the boo,Normal +41577,markhardy 9 me too itm,Normal +41578,damn i don t have any chalk my chalkboard is useless,Normal +41579,had a blast at the getty villa but hate that she s had a sore throat all day it s just getting worse too,Normal +41580,msdrama hey missed ya at the meeting sup mama,Normal +41581,my tummy hurt i wonder if the hypnosis ha anything to do with it if so it s working i get it stop smoking,Normal +41582,why is it always the fat one,Normal +41583,januarycrimson sorry babe my fam annoys me too thankfully they re asleep right now muahaha evil laugh,Normal +41584,hollywoodheat i should have paid more attention when we covered photoshop in my webpage design class in undergrad,Normal +41585,wednesday my b day don t know what do,Normal +41586,poor cameron the hill,Normal +41587,pray for me please the ex is threatening to start sh at my our baby st birthday party what a jerk and i still have a headache,Normal +41588,makeherfamous hmm do u really enjoy being with him if the problem are too constant u should think thing more find someone ulike,Normal +41589,strider is a sick little puppy http apps facebook com dogbook profile view,Normal +41590,so rylee grace wana go steve s party or not sadly since it easter i wnt b able do much but ohh well,Normal +41591,hey i actually won one of my bracket pool too bad it wasn t the one for money,Normal +41592,stark you don t follow me either and i work for you,Normal +41593,a bad nite for the favorite team astros and spartan lose the nite out with t w wa good,Normal +41594,body of missing northern calif girl found police have found the remains of a missing northern california girl http tr im imji,Normal +41595,mangaaa i hope they will increase the capacity fast yesterday wa such a pain got the fail whale time in hour,Normal +41596,behind on my class for work,Normal +41597,watching quot house quot,Normal +41598,kpreyes remember my bum leg strike back this time it serious,Normal +41599,paradisej cool i will their are all kind of complaint about this laptop online about overheating but no recall,Normal +41600,emily will be glad when mommy is done training at her new job she miss her http apps facebook com dogbook profile view 0,Normal +41601,would rather the first party send bad message than the rd party send mixed one sophmore year all over again,Normal +41602,henkuyinepu it s overrated,Normal +41603,marykatherine q i know i heard it this afternoon and wondered the same thing moscow is so behind the time,Normal +41604,laying in bed with no voice,Normal +41605,i m sooo sad they killed off kutner on house whyyyyyyyy,Normal +41606,jacobsummers sorry tell them mea culpa from me and that i really am sorry,Normal +41607,alliana0 it didn t make any sense to me the suicide thing i refuse to believe that that is actually what happened,Normal +41608,salancaster hope your ok,Normal +41609,mercedesashley damn the grind is inspirational and saddening at the same time don t want you to stop cuz i like what u do much love,Normal +41610,hibanick yeah aw but i know i wudnt stand a chance,Normal +41611,ugh cant sleep it 0am,Normal +41612,hanging in crooner wan na sing can t suck,Normal +41613,erre sc aaw i miss ya all too im leaving to bh tomorrow quot morning quot i think aww i wan na go to the beach w u girl,Normal +41614,is pissed off that there s no asba s for a radio station,Normal +41615,wednesday my b day n don t know what do,Normal +41616,i know my life ha been flipped upside down when i just thought in my head that some ramen sound good,Normal +41617,i am in pain my back and side hurt not to mention cry is made of fail,Normal +41618,late night snack glass of oj b c i m quot down with the sickness quot then back to sleep ugh i hate getting sick,Normal +41619,allyheman but but but i m not a big fan on camilla belle,Normal +41620,grum wah i can t see clip must be el stupido work filter can t wait till i get a puter something else blame ex he broke mine,Normal +41621,this week just seems to get longer and longer in term of how much i need to do and how much i m actually going to get done,Normal +41622,i m so cold,Normal +41623,thecoolestout ehhh don t weather s gon na take a turn for the ugly tomorrow,Normal +41624,chelserlynn haha it so cooooold in the d and no but you should still go to the show they do some incredible stuff,Normal +41625,hoping the tummy rumble go away soon,Normal +41626,knight no no notice they told me i d be working tomorrow and then i called the agency to follow up and they said it wa over,Normal +41627,almost bedtime,Normal +41628,i m missing you babe but a long a your alive i m happy yawwwnn i m tired my love imma try to sleep hopefully you had a headstart,Normal +41629,agh snow,Normal +41630,i miss kenny power,Normal +41631,bridgetsbeaches thank you for letting people know but now i m sad that the direct message i got wasn t actually from bridget,Normal +41632,and india missed out it 00th test victory n 0th consecutive win without a loss,Normal +41633,jonathanrknight i guess that s a no then,Normal +41634,sadly is going to bed,Normal +41635,ozesteph 99 shame to hear this stephan,Normal +41636,mrsaintnick hey i m leavin in the morning,Normal +41637,wa intending to finish editing my page novel manuscript tonight but that will probably not happen and only page are left,Normal +41638,laid around too much today now my head hurt,Normal +41639,twista 0 i still haven t read the 9th amp 0th princess diary saving francesca made me cry at the end hmm those are easy book,Normal +41640,my nokia 0 died,Normal +41641,my mom might have breast cancer won t find out anything for like a week i m so worried,Normal +41642,going to sleep hoping tomorrow is a better day,Normal +41643,rumblepurr lol wish they understood daylight saving ha ended though and breakfast is an hour later they keep waking the kid up too,Normal +41644,onemoreproject that is lame,Normal +41645,i don t understand i really don t,Normal +41646,hero just isn t doing it for me this season,Normal +41647,living not downtown sure isn t much fun,Normal +41648,jonathanchard not calorie wise i wish junk food wa calorie free i ate a thing of sour skittle and a big as cherry coke,Normal +41649,man work is hard,Normal +41650,getting sick time for some hot tea studying and then sleeeep,Normal +41651,getting eyebrow waxed more pain,Normal +41652,no phantasy star yesterday going to work,Normal +41653,oh just got all my macheist 0 apps sweet didn t get the espresso serial no though although they said they sent it oh well,Normal +41654,picked mich st to win it all from the get go wa feeling pretty good about that pick all the way up until tonight a s lost too,Normal +41655,is alone downstairs working,Normal +41656,i feel bad for doing it,Normal +41657,ryanseacrest is it just me or she hate anoop i mean seriously she s kinda mean to him,Normal +41658,pinkserendipity yes sprint ha g only in baltimore and chicago so far,Normal +41659,i m stuck awake in the middle of the night for the second day in a row and i felt terrible yesterday,Normal +41660,thanks for bursting my bubble,Normal +41661,going to school soon can t find anything to wear gosh it s so hard,Normal +41662,marieclr i wa serious lol,Normal +41663,naughtyhaughty i had on my page for sooooo long until it got deleted sad day in history,Normal +41664,crazy wind today no birding http ff im xtti,Normal +41665,currently at work,Normal +41666,grrr my ipod acting weird too jai ho and thinking of you aren t playing the full song ughh,Normal +41667,penndbad send me the dvd co i have missed out on heap not happy about that,Normal +41668,i don t see the big deal with this website,Normal +41669,machineplay i m so sorry you re having to go through this again therapyfail,Normal +41670,colindemar far too out of the way for rail any other tip,Normal +41671,i m not still up i swear why do i keep losing gaining losing gaining tweeps so heart wrenching,Normal +41672,today i realized i am too good at hiding thing even i can t find it,Normal +41673,staying at a friend house house sitting neighbor are so loud having a party,Normal +41674,dannyvegasbaby danny im upset that i wasnt here to watch the live chat i wa in a car for hour on a trip im soooo upset,Normal +41675,check out my mug http www erika obscura blogspot com,Normal +41676,border closed at 0,Normal +41677,downloading nin s new album quot the slip quot when the hell did this come out i m so behind the time these day,Normal +41678,just woke up an already have written some e mail i ve to go early at university today a i have to teach at 0 am,Normal +41679,is watching the hill and it making me sad,Normal +41680,so many channel yet so so boring lazy day again may have to find a hobby,Normal +41681,supersport i miss my buddy ill be in ny on the th,Normal +41682,robluketic love the french i tell people here in the south i m qtr french and they snarl at me french are beautiful people,Normal +41683,opps a i said i still got one day remain and now problem come,Normal +41684,i activated my selfcontrol block early meaning i can t check out the new qc regularizing my internal clock is might be difficult fb,Normal +41685,hillydop oh no,Normal +41686,spencer is not a good guy,Normal +41687,goodlaura what about reese dying on ttsc and season finale next week boring madame president is a crazy woman,Normal +41688,jonathanrknight i hate the limited letter too hope you and the guy are fine i pray for my dog she s not well,Normal +41689,didn t get shit done today i m so screwed,Normal +41690,wanttss to go out,Normal +41691,is not going to sleep tonite,Normal +41692,too worried and tired to post tonight,Normal +41693,couldn t get shit done today i m so screwed,Normal +41694,job interview in cardiff today wish me luck got about hour sleep,Normal +41695,stustone your show is whack way worse than whack it s wiggety whack,Normal +41696,djalizay i really don t think people choose to be that way but i think he chose not to accept my family s help he might be dead by now,Normal +41697,eloquentembrace you re going to kill me but i ve not seen ds9 i ve been waiting till i can do it in one solid week sitting,Normal +41698,cheechbud i think ur right hahaha hr now,Normal +41699,i hate to see the spartan so sad,Normal +41700,my mind and body are severely protesting this quot getting up quot thing had nightmare to boot,Normal +41701,mysteezradio i m goin to follow u since u didn t lol go angel,Normal +41702,mandayyy,Normal +41703,twista 0 i think i want to read some book but the library doesn t have them,Normal +41704,my nap wa interrupted so many time today going out for japanese with the rent again,Normal +41705,kind of longs for the bus that show up at the end of ghost world right now ugh,Normal +41706,gurumn but this is canada canada is weird we re supposed to get snow through wednesday ugh,Normal +41707,awwh babs you look so sad underneith that shop entrance of quot yesterday s musik quot o i like the look of the new transformer movie,Normal +41708,sad that the foot of my macbook just fell off,Normal +41709,i m gon na get up late tomorrow and it s am here i gon na get tipsy by my lonesome that s that s just sad,Normal +41710,i m sweating my forthcoming trip to e if i can t find someone to crash with while i m out there i may be screwed,Normal +41711,ha now gotten somebody to read his tweet but cant get them to make an account,Normal +41712,infinitydefines omgawd i couldnt handle my cat being in heat all the time d d,Normal +41713,donniewahlberg i hope i can make it to the auburn show but it not looking good for me,Normal +41714,david henrie thats people mag haha i couldnt fit it all in i dont think those picture ever made it in the magazine tho haha,Normal +41715,breadandbadger congrats i totally forgot to submit photo,Normal +41716,paulaabdul awww good luck paula please don t work too hard but i hope you have fun your new album is gon na be amazing xxx,Normal +41717,imaginarypeach now your leaving me get sad,Normal +41718,i miss you twitter my phone broke now i m using a stupid nokia phone ughhh i miss my advance phone,Normal +41719,shooting outside my house o not kidding so scared,Normal +41720,tuesday ll start with reflection n then a lecture in stress reducing technique that sure might become very useful for u accompaniers,Normal +41721,what tragedy and disaster in the news this week,Normal +41722,yes yes still trying to find a picture that will upload correclty,Normal +41723,why oh why wa the red sox game rained out i wa so looking forward to opening day,Normal +41724,i still can t find my key,Normal +41725,charlietm i know right i dunno what is going on with twitter,Normal +41726,might be getting a sore throat again,Normal +41727,labelsnotlove my home town my mammy called all depressd pls explain y a parent let their yr old child walk alone hello it 009,Normal +41728,ircmaxell i think i need to find better anti depressant i think this paxil wellbutrin combo is losing it efficacy,Normal +41729,myconnecticut restaurant called woodntap ha competitive eating tourney round tourney time we place nd,Normal +41730,is in the bathroom wake up lakin,Normal +41731,caitlinoconnor i want taco and margarhitas telll gay i say hello lt,Normal +41732,im lonely keep me company female california,Normal +41733,bad day at the betfair office,Normal +41734,i miss him can t wait to celebrate the tar heel win this weekend though,Normal +41735,i m really cold i don t want to go to sleep yet but there s nothing to do,Normal +41736,kristencampisi is this it u it officially over me this go round,Normal +41737,monkey i just found out you my twin and you wont even write back i m heartbroken,Normal +41738,miss om aww i know i felt like that yesterday at work,Normal +41739,sarahreedsc treaty isn t defined,Normal +41740,missed brent at praise band no fun to not have the your lead guitarist lt pout gt,Normal +41741,jpfurry poor john this is what happens when you play with fruit and a microwave seriously though have you seen a doctor xxx,Normal +41742,missing my bff watching home and away it reminds me of her and me we lt it shout out to u court,Normal +41743,mandayyy,Normal +41744,new video card is doa,Normal +41745,feeling lost naked and confused jk sort of no iphone for me,Normal +41746,damn i am so late at filling this appraisal form people have almost sent it i wa so occupied in work,Normal +41747,missed brent at praise band no fun to not have your lead guitarist lt pout gt,Normal +41748,i think to much on the past i cant change it i deserved so much more then wat i got but why am i still thinking about him gah,Normal +41749,ha lost his ring it s no where to be seen,Normal +41750,burgaw ooooooh sealclap see i download shitloads of zip folder off chan i have no internet money fuck yeah alicia amp mikey,Normal +41751,is still nursing my nile but glad he is feeling better i hate when my baby is sick,Normal +41752,is fucked to go back to ic,Normal +41753,brandizzzle0 yoyoyo my internet ha been rude tonight it just reconnected and i m about to go to bed,Normal +41754,jemcam well i have uni stuff and netball but after netbal if i ve done uni stuff we can,Normal +41755,kissability me too i is poor,Normal +41756,help me forget th april amp th july,Normal +41757,dierks bentley is comin to columbus oh i wan na go so bad,Normal +41758,i have to take my sidekick back,Normal +41759,chriscantore congrats i m totally jealous only wish my xm wa working,Normal +41760,gr t my face is very itchy,Normal +41761,poor sock luvvvvv the golden retriever i want one sighhhh,Normal +41762,i just saw that they found that tracy girl in a piece of luggage how fucking terrible,Normal +41763,aaaaand the nausea is back,Normal +41764,donniewahlberg ooh i m excited and not even going be there long love youtube,Normal +41765,spent hour to reach to axis bank only to find out today is holiday for mahavir jayanti contd,Normal +41766,mathewsmichael i agree the jobros dont update there very often,Normal +41767,fishmouse it is hilarious and i linked the clip from lj some time ago but when i went back just now it wa a dead link,Normal +41768,diannepulham oooooooo who with im not neither but thats because i need to study,Normal +41769,haven t tweeted nearly all day posted my website tonight hopefully that go well night time,Normal +41770,bostongarden i miss bentley,Normal +41771,seriously need to finish these job application,Normal +41772,my son vinca is sick so i stay at home just three tense day at work and i am back on holiday with kid,Normal +41773,whinging my client amp bos don t understand english well rewrote some text unreadable it s written by v good writer amp reviewed correctly,Normal +41774,huntermoore i don t want him to ever punch me,Normal +41775,sooo sick of the snow ughh,Normal +41776,it nemesis,Normal +41777,lovemeagan it doesn t work your fan is upset,Normal +41778,i would like to apologize for the repeated video game live related tweet i am going to have a stern discussion with koodo soon stern,Normal +41779,zaydia but i cant figure out how to get there back pay for a hotel etc,Normal +41780,fml so much for seniority bc of technological ineptness i now have to quot register quot for class again,Normal +41781,feel like she slept the day away not looking forward to any more bout with my gallbladder at least i have pill now for the pain,Normal +41782,thastevieg but what i really want is my old bass back,Normal +41783,mad tired today callin it in early tonight nighty night twittas,Normal +41784,levenrambin take it easy and be good to you,Normal +41785,i m afraid i had bad code,Normal +41786,think i m going to bed goodniight i hate this,Normal +41787,riancurtis i m here friend and i love you,Normal +41788,kariajay all this time you didn t notice i wa gone just needed db is it,Normal +41789,aaronrva is in the bathroom and i have to pee,Normal +41790,ashleyskyy but i wanted a margarita too,Normal +41791,kourtneykardash yup night workout r the worst but unfortunetly my work schedule only allows me to go at night it tough,Normal +41792,just called hillsong again they said they couldn t tell me where i wa on the waiting list i don t know if it s looking so good,Normal +41793,ha 0g of milky bar left and around 00ml of coke,Normal +41794,jokerrrr it stillllll hasn t arrived,Normal +41795,mraow i feel like dancing but first art school want to rape me some more,Normal +41796,karenucol ah i bet it doe i ve been like craving to play softball or basketball but i have noo time,Normal +41797,is terrified she accidentally deleted a reference in her management assignment and hope she doesnt get in trouble when she get back,Normal +41798,amazon s plugin not worked in my website it need php but my hosting provider ha only php very sad,Normal +41799,argh i wa suuuper sleepy an hour ago now i m wide awake hope i don t stay up all night,Normal +41800,austinhill i wish i wa sold out if you have some time let me know i would love to hear more about what you are up to,Normal +41801,just watched tropic thunder dreading tomorrow,Normal +41802,qweendassah no he s still miss n,Normal +41803,chiefdelphi is down,Normal +41804,http twitpic com y wr according to my bro our new puppy had a poo fight and wa covered in poop picture stolen from him,Normal +41805,playing game at home my new bos didn t call me yet,Normal +41806,su yin huen tweeted i feel unbearable guilt i made my staff cry http tinyurl com cw l9t,Normal +41807,poor joshy is sick those damn tejanos,Normal +41808,my thought are with sandra cantu s family at this difficult and sad time,Normal +41809,franzglaus i know just wanted to let everybody know what wa happening,Normal +41810,michigan who i don t know them sigh shameful,Normal +41811,i have to fill two hour,Normal +41812,alicayaba so cuuute hey i miss you na it not the same not seeing you girl everyday,Normal +41813,jonathanrknight oh did i mention it quot gooooood moooorniiiiiiing quot from germany im back in my cage or better my office,Normal +41814,throat is closing up and i had some string cheese not a good idea,Normal +41815,aww sandra cantu is found dead in a suitcase missing child story never seem to go good poor family,Normal +41816,wishing i wa home underneath my cover,Normal +41817,walking home from school drain all my energy,Normal +41818,ridley 0 i agree the shapeshifting is a copout i wa so excited for angela s ep i thought it wa this week noah wa awesome tho,Normal +41819,savethestrib dang i would have done this if i knew it wa there earlier any other outing planned,Normal +41820,i wish i wa better at writing it s taking me so long to write this paper,Normal +41821,and of course i have access to my halo mythic map pack re download but bad news not the legendary map pack ugh 00ms,Normal +41822,vene ia not yet unfortunately another few week i ve been told how are you i ve been a little bit busy with my latest project,Normal +41823,thecoolestout ha the sun s already gone,Normal +41824,day a lot harder than day let s see how day go tomorrow,Normal +41825,my man crush jake peavy let me down gayforpeavy,Normal +41826,trishzw megafast trip you have time during day tom wed or you going out tonight want to see you bad tried to warn you tech fail,Normal +41827,michigan state you make me sad,Normal +41828,omg my mouth is in so much pain i just wan na sleep untill it time to take my brace off,Normal +41829,getting annoyed easily today gt gt gt biofuel proposal getting annoyed easily today gt gt gt biof http tinyurl com ceprvs,Normal +41830,mizzchievouz hey girl the site is back girlyvue is back and they have even more video,Normal +41831,a hleyf i m spending time with my grandma early tomorrow and i can t leave skittle by herself,Normal +41832,just got home from watching michigan state get tromped,Normal +41833,oh jew bus two year worth of class work is alot to organize gt lt i m not finishing tonight it s not possible my bone ache,Normal +41834,griffmiester no exchanging for me my laptop hasn t arrived,Normal +41835,hyperbets i hope this doesn t last too long i feel miserable,Normal +41836,rcompo rachel hang outage is neccessary i wa gon na be home this wekend but dumb folk make me work so im free f and sat until,Normal +41837,theleaguesf not fun amp furious the new mantra for the bay breaker it wa getting rambunctious the city overreacted amp clamped down,Normal +41838,amber benson my hubby for some reason think it s more important he ha a good spot for red carpet for the trek movie premiere sod,Normal +41839,i swear no matter how long i ve been getting up at am it never get any easier man my eye hurt wah,Normal +41840,jeffree star jeffree how do you keep your hair one color my permanent dye fade within the week,Normal +41841,otakusecret my reaction too whoa didn t see that coming,Normal +41842,still sick feeling a bit better got some new medicine hope i feel good after a night of sleep ohh and it s suppose to snow wtf,Normal +41843,dangerm0use i think maybe you should get a couple more hour of sleep hon how productive can you be right now if ur dog tired i worry,Normal +41844,maddyva thanks a lot learned a lot of new word but didn t find what i wa looking for,Normal +41845,wish i had all the xblm downloads all on the gamertag hitokyri this gamertag thing is nonsense and i m tired of it,Normal +41846,new testament test at 9 0 am,Normal +41847,scoutbuck ton no hay troll ahhhh,Normal +41848,stupid movie we watched mirror ugggggh stooopeeed rip off,Normal +41849,http twitpic com y yi i love you buck,Normal +41850,last one but still not done,Normal +41851,homework,Normal +41852,i don t understand why thing get taken away i didn t have enough time with him it unfair i want him back he wa like my baby,Normal +41853,scratch that du in heif two in a half cooky my tum just can t take anymore shoog poots,Normal +41854,cococourtney i wa just listening to the sweet for the first time in forever i miss them so much can we go to chi town for visit plz,Normal +41855,geez what a busy afternoon meeting email meeting and email and more meeting pm and the day is still going ah it dark and,Normal +41856,dang another spring break how cool is that too bad i have to work all week oh well more money for a phone ttyl everbody,Normal +41857,sara kate im afraid too ur reply about uni from age ago,Normal +41858,feeling down,Normal +41859,carvin lol they are some emotional as men omg all this late night eating both of u are broke,Normal +41860,nick carter aww nick i like your hair longer why did you cut it off break my heart,Normal +41861,wonder if jon lost the net,Normal +41862,wow the most depressing thing in the world is losing a video that you ve created in a matter of second fml,Normal +41863,nchokkan http www mycomicshop com search tid 9 0 but all say not in stock,Normal +41864,poohpot lmao im sorry poohpot i ate it all,Normal +41865,any chance softbelly for mtub isn t loud,Normal +41866,time to move my posterior and lose some fat my articulation are creaking so no more running but i m drool for some swimming,Normal +41867,listening to nathan cry,Normal +41868,today sucked i m gon na die without chris and callum wahhh,Normal +41869,stou site not update no info about exam and open course i must wait for mail notice and doc um,Normal +41870,ohsbrat 0 i m sorry i m feeling kinda yucky myself am is going to come too quick,Normal +41871,is in love with scrappy and is missin him already,Normal +41872,want to hear seblefebvre s song but myspace is messing with me,Normal +41873,bad news wa dad ha cancer and is dying good news new business started and i am now a life coach practising holistic weight management,Normal +41874,duchess rebecca man intervention is soo sad,Normal +41875,help i need a new boyfriend i m stuck in a rut,Normal +41876,i feel like a complete idiot i m the only one who doesn t get how this shit work help me,Normal +41877,saw an ad on craigslist for a casting call for a female host on g i wa totally psyched but realized it wa a hoax,Normal +41878,pepperoni roll in l a i called valentino s they said that they had sausage roll but no pepperoni roll http tinyurl com cec ka,Normal +41879,soillodge yes it will be it s only monday,Normal +41880,i want the new gg episode already,Normal +41881,i miss watching rocko s modern life,Normal +41882,rip sandra it so sad how can someone do something like that,Normal +41883,keeping my finger crossed for my buddy he is not feeling well,Normal +41884,wait should i eat or be skinny for vega i m hungry,Normal +41885,marge inovera i tried tweetdeck once and i hated it with a passion or it hated me i m not sure,Normal +41886,benackerman btw my iphone is acting funny dying quickly and freezing and b i m not admitting anything just sayin,Normal +41887,sitting here wondering why quot ed quot still ha such a strong hold on me,Normal +41888,bananaface im sorry i got you sick lol going to bed too night,Normal +41889,carolrainbow no internet at home have to drive into ox to use internet because of builder,Normal +41890,steve buscemi the weather in canada is freezing,Normal +41891,twiggassssssss i been out of range all day i m back now and hopefully for good,Normal +41892,danadearmond,Normal +41893,anyone who read this pray for my grandma she s in pain,Normal +41894,woke up and wa having an accident quot it s pushing it s pushing quot he wa cry because he couldn t stop from wetting his pant,Normal +41895,home from franklin street i almost jumped over a fire someone kicked it before i could jenny lost her shoe,Normal +41896,johnnybeane hey you just changed your default,Normal +41897,finally gave in and wa bored enough to start this thing i think the 0 is going to be a problem for me tho it like a myspace status,Normal +41898,ellievolia if oooonly we were really so lucky eh and awh definitely too early for work,Normal +41899,buttload of homework,Normal +41900,need another copy of visual studio 00,Normal +41901,why to we the only school in the world be in this week my school is silly anyway look on the bright side when i m off u will be in,Normal +41902,omg i ve an economics test and i dont know all the thing i have to know and omg im gon na fail,Normal +41903,robcthegeek once upon a time hundred island wa the pride of philippine tourism but coral clam rare fish poaching did it in kinda sad,Normal +41904,henkuyinepu yeah apparently i have really bad taste,Normal +41905,hummiemd i know i wa really surprised since everyone recommends them on youtube i have to call them tomorrow and figure it all out,Normal +41906,waiting at the airport for my ride while i get harassed by men trying to sell me ugly hat why me i just want to sleep,Normal +41907,i left my id at the location and now i can not go out to bar fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk,Normal +41908,celycarmo i m sorry i don t understand your last comment,Normal +41909,officialrandl when is the announcement i stayed up late last night,Normal +41910,kishorek this is strange illegal torrent avlbl everywhere legal dvd not in stock what do i do now,Normal +41911,it not enough to say that imiss u,Normal +41912,this trolley ha up packed in like sardine padre game and they remove a car good call mt,Normal +41913,randomlynat jeez i wa just trying to help haha,Normal +41914,supamagg that happened to me saturday night along with my glittery green lighter,Normal +41915,trying to reduce the number of cigarette in each day,Normal +41916,yea it is so quiet around here cuz everyone ha to work im bored to death with nobody to talk to,Normal +41917,got ta do my cooking assignment it too hard,Normal +41918,treesahquiche okay about the applepears i ve talked to a few people and they ve all had them before no one ever told me never,Normal +41919,jennifermf i know i m a night owl by nature hahaha am i a time zone behind you it s almost here,Normal +41920,mamasvan lol nope but i did have complete camerafail,Normal +41921,maxime megelder but i m useless if i don t sleep it s not fair i want all the fun a well,Normal +41922,my pookie ha a uti i have to be nurse gabbie and get him back to 00 no more soda,Normal +41923,jillianfish tweet something damn it and hang out with me please,Normal +41924,anistorm,Normal +41925,i m so behind in video game and everything for that matter i m yesterday s news,Normal +41926,sleep til noon i did it wa the only one left but i got tempted and ate it soon a i got home i had a chocolate velvet amp ate d mocha,Normal +41927,is stressing out because my blackberry keep flashing a red alert status for no reason it faking me out and i hate it,Normal +41928,http twitpic com y e i wan na wear my doc marten out haven t worn them since december,Normal +41929,when to the shoe repair shop and the guy could not find my shoe so i have to go back and see if he can find them in a couple day,Normal +41930,b barnett i did not really see that coming,Normal +41931,just woke up from the most vivid sketchy not cool dream of my life time to stare at the wall with the light on,Normal +41932,it ll take day for my sister to get her passport,Normal +41933,nicolerichie oh my yes i miss,Normal +41934,uh oh i think i am getting sick,Normal +41935,good god they ruined my belly button,Normal +41936,watching who framed roger rabbit make me miss toon town,Normal +41937,akianz renting but very cheap renting and awesome house we had buying attempt fall through,Normal +41938,running nose spinning head not a good combination for a meeting,Normal +41939,eazydoesit negative you lost my vote of confidence,Normal +41940,nasty budget due and my iphone is being sent to apple today,Normal +41941,sofii noel that s bad,Normal +41942,dammit episode of king won t play for some reason stopped in the middle now won t do anything,Normal +41943,i m so upset that i missed my chat and quiz online because my free internet ha ceased,Normal +41944,can t believe it i m in disbelief of it all in a way really how much can i take from people and always get hurt by others,Normal +41945,car show season ha started without me,Normal +41946,my throat is raw,Normal +41947,kevchoice i just don t get it what in a person mind could even have them on some ish like this my prayer are with her fam for real,Normal +41948,frago i hate you i didn t need to see that i need to call my therapist now,Normal +41949,twilight didn t come yesterday finger crossed for today,Normal +41950,nilelegania glad i wa able help you feel better i hate to see you sick love you,Normal +41951,is tireddddddd want to sleep but i have an assignment to finish and an exam tomorrow to study for,Normal +41952,you know i wa thinking i need money,Normal +41953,omg it jst teusday,Normal +41954,ddlovato david henrie ummmmm i cant find it,Normal +41955,just heard that they found sandra cantu she wa only yr old,Normal +41956,corrosivecandy ive forgotten how to snoo snoo i wonder if snoo snoo and i will ever meet again,Normal +41957,amanorris wow that last tweet made me seem like a giant sexist sorry about that,Normal +41958,my bathtub drain is fired it haz job do amp it iz fail i got all drano on it as amp iz still not draining i wan na shower dangit,Normal +41959,stuck at home,Normal +41960,nomadicmatt mine is 0 how do you get it up,Normal +41961,duckling in famous child s book stolen from boston s public garden the boston globe http tinyurl com dc htx via sharethis oh no,Normal +41962,appomattox news thank you however i hate to be on the same list that includes convict,Normal +41963,heading to altrincham again out of hour install,Normal +41964,morning good im bloody knackered work is not for me today helppp xxx,Normal +41965,jeffreecuntstar i don t have a garage but you can park in my driveway,Normal +41966,lauredhel what happened,Normal +41967,quot on popular music quot by t w adorno is probably the most difficult reading ever prescribed i m actually struggling to continue,Normal +41968,http twitpic com y e cant see the flower falling i dont have a camera just my cellphone,Normal +41969,we ve been good i m not liking the snow right now wa getting used to the nice spring like weather how about you,Normal +41970,brian armstrong what a pity youtube is currently blocked in china i can t see the vids,Normal +41971,margaretcho what happened to your show it wa the hightlight of my life,Normal +41972,this is the best leather sofa in the world it s in the office though which mean i m still here working,Normal +41973,still more day until my internet get uncapped,Normal +41974,if he doesn t get better in a few day he could have something lodged in his belly,Normal +41975,i love my atekinzz so much amp amp i soo miss her,Normal +41976,i wan na sneak into the zoo and play with the kitty,Normal +41977,lolitariot oh no hope you re not getting sick too,Normal +41978,alejandralei i dont think i can cause it my cousin birthday party,Normal +41979,our sweet little man just fell asleep while waiting up for daddy and big brother to get home poor baby he missed them so much today,Normal +41980,the angel is going to miss the athlete this weekend,Normal +41981,trust is hard,Normal +41982,have watched that considering today yaknow shawnna tomomorrow i need my bestfriend,Normal +41983,grr i want to keep reading but if i do i wont have anything left to read,Normal +41984,atekinzz where in the world are you,Normal +41985,rumlover no u supposed to be my date,Normal +41986,pear amp brie bottle of cabernet and quot win a date with tad hamilton quot oh gawwd my life flashed forward to when i m 0 with my cat,Normal +41987,crap i need more dress too,Normal +41988,kaeeeep yeah i know it wa horrible ugh saddening,Normal +41989,brodhe geez ur no fun are you,Normal +41990,i wan na be in a punk rock band again,Normal +41991,jyesmith that s a lot of angst for a tuesday afternoon,Normal +41992,i m very glad britney isn t crazy anymore that wa one hell of a show now i m sad that it s over next up ap at cook county,Normal +41993,ha a huuuge headache omg i feel like crap,Normal +41994,anistorm sorry,Normal +41995,cleders sorry i wa rooting for them too,Normal +41996,man that took forever,Normal +41997,shandasaurus i see,Normal +41998,i am listing more item on ebay to sell take forever meanwhile coleman is watching the hill season premier without me,Normal +41999,just got my presentation done slide done i m cry for this week will be the hardest of all week,Normal +42000,just lost 0,Normal +42001,i don t like the previously on skin thing that start at season two i like it when it went straight into the intro like before,Normal +42002,houndour i wish i wa there i m pretty good at scaring the shit out of people,Normal +42003,going to sound vain but running out of my fav lip gloss,Normal +42004,stuiy never again will i click on a link that scream quot i m a spider i m a spider quot i should have known better yucky,Normal +42005,why is that when you have time off from work you get sick,Normal +42006,pratama same imac came out 0 more in indonesia than the state,Normal +42007,dammit i need to stop buying furniture,Normal +42008,miss sil no i wa half asleep and turned off the laptop after that,Normal +42009,death is peaceful life however bite,Normal +42010,i think jonathanrknight lost the net sure hope not,Normal +42011,http is gd r zf http is gd r zy and http is gd r zg test footage with my girlfriend in hd the dark one is underxposed,Normal +42012,such a tough game to watch tonight for state finally going to bed after also staying up to watch the season premiere of the hill,Normal +42013,seems jruby support for hpricot is now two version behind,Normal +42014,jinxcat unlike my sister i still don t have one,Normal +42015,fraking app store is pissing me off http tinyurl com c ooho,Normal +42016,logging out i need to study,Normal +42017,anyone else having problem accessing ttb i cant get on,Normal +42018,i strongly dislike people who make stupid comment and dont know the whole story,Normal +42019,emmaketurah i m sorry emma is swarley a goldfish i m sad for u,Normal +42020,all my tweet are already gone aren t they missed you guy tonight,Normal +42021,can t sleep again face is kinda swollen don t let me be allergic to the thing that ll get me to thursday school tomorrow doubtful,Normal +42022,snick the dog if izzy s on the cat tree she ll stare him down but if she s on the floor he chase and she run,Normal +42023,i am officially banning godaddy com from my comp my head hurt from the small print and i wasted 0 that could ve happily gone to boba,Normal +42024,humanopium pretty much just scary for me,Normal +42025,ilovepie mine too i m finding it well hard to get fit,Normal +42026,good morning ready go but i want go back bed,Normal +42027,hate waiting for mail,Normal +42028,wheat bread from the dollar store just doesn t toast nicely going over my tax and calling it an early night,Normal +42029,why kutner i mean i knew something wa going to happen to someone but it wa so sad i lt house and it wa well done but i m still sad,Normal +42030,jonathanrknight aw ok goonite,Normal +42031,ill so i cant go to the cinema,Normal +42032,fell asleep really didn t mean too christina,Normal +42033,kelleyrowe hey you remember that time we used to be friend ugh vomit sick i need sleep,Normal +42034,my lymph node are a massive a rahm emanuel s ball right now,Normal +42035,oh no my computer suck i don t think i ll be able to listen to the xbox 0 fancast tonite,Normal +42036,is missing playing my trumpet,Normal +42037,my throat is still really sore i wa meant to be going on a day camp from friday but not so sure now,Normal +42038,sasii i know exactly how you feel,Normal +42039,at work,Normal +42040,well bed time now am sigh back to am morning for a week on wednesday,Normal +42041,hert jesus camp yeah,Normal +42042,marybethune oh no with everything that happened today i forgot we were going dress shopping for the opera tomorrow,Normal +42043,turtle are better than my mac last longer and move faster,Normal +42044,i am soaked this is not pleasant,Normal +42045,ginayates sorry to hear about maggie thought to your mum,Normal +42046,ewarden you may have to email this one to me i hope you feel better,Normal +42047,miamiiboii dead yu gettin on wen im leavin,Normal +42048,arlenecd please tell me that s somewhere close to california lol,Normal +42049,phlaimeaux where are you,Normal +42050,stupid arranged marriage i ll convert so you can marry me love you,Normal +42051,emilyruppe well he said that he is a looser and that is what the show implies,Normal +42052,poor sandra cantu amp the cantu family my prayer go out to them what a sick world we live in she wa only,Normal +42053,fuck omg austin always there though man lt love you,Normal +42054,nicolerichie i cried so hard when matthew died,Normal +42055,sad that the foot of my macbook just fell off sad that the foot of my macbook just fell off,Normal +42056,chordsy why am i the last to find out about these thing like that you re on the twitter too,Normal +42057,lovebscott absolutely not,Normal +42058,http twitpic com y cf filled with curry the true indian in me is coming out,Normal +42059,im soooo cold right now,Normal +42060,heidimontag lol i kant believe cam got beat upp sooo embarasssiiiin,Normal +42061,jonathanrknight good knight hun looking forward to ur tweet again hate that i keep missing out on the fun cuz of the time difference,Normal +42062,tumblr this is exactly how it feel wearing a tie http tinyurl com c bvqh,Normal +42063,daniela 9 hahaa i just realized quot impune quot definitely isnt the word i wanted dang i m so unclever,Normal +42064,watching old video of dance team and such make me miss it,Normal +42065,wahh no csi anywhere dvr ed i love money though gon na watch it then sleep goodnight tweeter lt,Normal +42066,struggling hard with inventory,Normal +42067,ddlovato do you hate u please don t,Normal +42068,ballinbitch haha im not that ballin i still got bill to paaaaay,Normal +42069,i m in one of those day when i really just want to work from home crap,Normal +42070,paul e wog wait is it a game or just episode i m so confused,Normal +42071,carlyw haha i cried i guess he did,Normal +42072,i don t get statistic it all a bunch of mumbo jumbo for me,Normal +42073,sloanb got it sadly only work for uk amp u at the moment,Normal +42074,evicted,Normal +42075,doesn t enjoy learning cs,Normal +42076,nachojohnny brian don t make me fuck u up lol i replied ur message did u get my i miss u,Normal +42077,heidimontag i dvr d it and went to watch it apparently the dish network went down so i missed it i will have to catch a rerun,Normal +42078,jessdubb lmao u may have to wait for another season to come thru it summe boo hot nd dry as weather,Normal +42079,lizchavez i can t set my foot on the ground the missing eyelid people might get me,Normal +42080,daniela 9 my english professor would be ashamed,Normal +42081,o i wish the frog weren t becoming extinct http tinyurl com cxe w,Normal +42082,came home from cross county tired a,Normal +42083,i don t want to walk home in this snow who want to pick me up,Normal +42084,heidimontag lauren is being stubborn she love you you love her i feel so bad for you though it made me cry lol,Normal +42085,is grouchy and want bmar,Normal +42086,my heart is broken every morning dropping foo at pre school now i understand when mom say quot he ha my heart broken quot,Normal +42087,not feeling well and back hurt,Normal +42088,im in the mood for some chocolate i want miniature reeses cup now,Normal +42089,i can t take this heat it s like an oven in here i feel sick nwo,Normal +42090,nick carter come to the chat just minute please http fanclub backstreetboys com chat php,Normal +42091,boredd colddd internet keep stuffing up,Normal +42092,i had a horrible nightmare last night which affected my sleep now i m really tired,Normal +42093,im lonely keep me company female new york,Normal +42094,born broadway lost and it wa st ignacius prepatory school haha,Normal +42095,birutagme yeah it wa really depressing stuff like that get to me,Normal +42096,whoisariston no problem tongue in cheek remark lot of acronym but no nz,Normal +42097,greggrunberg hey you said matt wa gon na go all ballistic i wa disappointed good ep tho mostly,Normal +42098,ugh horrible ending to the sandra kantu story prayer go out,Normal +42099,danielledeleasa http twitpic com y pe i hate b allergic i want a puppy soo bad that i ve already thought some cool name,Normal +42100,morning folk 00 am yawn up amp away to see to horse hope twitter is better behaved today last night wa a travesty,Normal +42101,quandotcom i miss mine too,Normal +42102,amandaenglund sorry to hear about your loss there have been many this year so far,Normal +42103,nicolerichie gossip girl wa a repeat,Normal +42104,inyoureyes 0 i reckon,Normal +42105,finding it really hard to use twitter,Normal +42106,i ve been stuck in this house for two day,Normal +42107,is really sad and doesn t really know y,Normal +42108,thousand mile no,Normal +42109,maybe one of these year i ll get a tax return a girl can dream right,Normal +42110,back at work tired a hell and i feel a cold coming,Normal +42111,clarianne knot serious april 9th isn t coming soon enough,Normal +42112,hannahsix cream for his eye and he may have herpes not ocular herpes but a different strain he s doing okay though,Normal +42113,got ta repeat whole art folio cuz old one with a whole term work got wet,Normal +42114,i m ready for the weekend already it s only monday,Normal +42115,lovebscott umm nope think im an insomniac plus i got the flu i lll be sleepin like a phuckin fish outta water any minute now,Normal +42116,ha finland sleeping for the night not really enough time,Normal +42117,lunafiko can t wait to try em but prolly have to wait until next weekend at the earliest,Normal +42118,shiner is taking up all my bed and blanket,Normal +42119,clarianne april 9th isn t coming soon enough,Normal +42120,want to cry,Normal +42121,i need to go to the bank tomorrow before i go broke,Normal +42122,this earthquake in italy ha me sadden it s only three hour away from naples where my family is,Normal +42123,i should be sleeping i have a stressed out week coming to me,Normal +42124,dragoneer yea i am working tp hack my server to do the player thing for folk,Normal +42125,ha hurt her ankle and is going to the dr,Normal +42126,raymondroman oh no how did you manage to send something to the trash can and empty it without noticing i feel for ya,Normal +42127,lost my free copy of radioactive so can t put it on my ipod grr and i can t go out buy nother coz it came with that paper,Normal +42128,doing make up shit,Normal +42129,photoshop i hate it when you crash,Normal +42130,vacation make me feel sick,Normal +42131,you shouldn t have gone,Normal +42132,listening to murd and 9th wonder just chillen out missing my crazy sex life,Normal +42133,louie09 shooting be careful luisa,Normal +42134,hillary00 i m sure everyone ha ruined my gift to you whitney ha my serious cell we doing easter a well,Normal +42135,is at beso in hollywood so tired,Normal +42136,i don t want to wake up early tomorrow damn you work,Normal +42137,just finished watching the movie prayer for bobby broke my heart,Normal +42138,syekr is myki really horrible,Normal +42139,stephenkruiser i had put my dog down today too someone ran her over,Normal +42140,nevadawolf sorry to hear about your dnf run tonight always a risk to get bad coords on an ftf,Normal +42141,honey i did get some disgruntled people when i wrote my esn but the 000 hit in one day made up for it bill pull in 0 top,Normal +42142,moony 9 ohh omg lmao i m cry right now lol kutnerrrr wa the best,Normal +42143,came back from running and took a shower why doe my lower stomach still hurt after exercising,Normal +42144,watching fallon with mom and working on a project school is hard,Normal +42145,min till home time and counting i have a craving to visit the mac store but they will have closed by the time i get there,Normal +42146,stephenkruiser i am so sorry to hear that take care,Normal +42147,paulcoles hmmm greed is good when it motivates the individual to do better not so much when it take away from others,Normal +42148,gabbyisactive brat you have to rub it in don t you i want a mocha,Normal +42149,kutnerrrr why why and to think that is still on the show ugh kutner kal penn you ve been the bright star in ho,Normal +42150,redvinylgirl my mom ha it i wish you the best of luck,Normal +42151,i so hate homework my head hurt so bad,Normal +42152,got the ebay blue item i want jumped from no bidder to over 00 in an hour still ha hour to go i d better not get my hope up,Normal +42153,gigdiary i know wa a little depressed that we ate so much last night there were no leftover today,Normal +42154,well the pc in my living room suffered a fatal partion lost all my itunes library is gone and some doc with pic,Normal +42155,sad day manu out for the season,Normal +42156,stephenkruiser you poor spunky it so sad my rotti made it to 0 and i had to go down the same path i know how you feel,Normal +42157,im sooo sad right now i need a hug,Normal +42158,want her step brother home im so worried you dont even know i hope he know how much i care for him,Normal +42159,heidimontag just got done watching the hill loved it excited for the next episode and im sad this is the last season,Normal +42160,ryanmwilson aww that stink hug,Normal +42161,i m tired i feel like crap and the world feel all crummy make me happy usb disco mouse,Normal +42162,i dont want to believe what im reading buu so sad,Normal +42163,wondering why gamebattles is down,Normal +42164,white trash v u we were outnumbered http twitpic com y jp,Normal +42165,emitstop so true i have it and don t use it,Normal +42166,spring break is here at last but no one is here to celebrate,Normal +42167,morning bah car won t start waiting for the anwb,Normal +42168,katebornstein which is pretty anti memorial tattoo but for all but the strictest there s no official ban just disapproving family,Normal +42169,balamurugan a longterm member of the team is leaving this month we ll miss working with him hope he doe well in his next venture,Normal +42170,justgelo it sad knowing how they found her body what a crazy world we live in no child deserves that ya know,Normal +42171,i wan na rock a maxi dress coachella but lacking funding,Normal +42172,of course the baby is screaming in the crib the night before my first day back at work so i let him cry it out boooo,Normal +42173,i am home missing my baby busy week ahead fri is a chill day with my guy and kid egg hunt sat spiral and dmb sat night and easter,Normal +42174,followsavvy i never found her everytime i click on her twitter thing through your myspace it go to some dude s page,Normal +42175,stephenkruiser that s horrible sorryto hear that,Normal +42176,david henrie i cant find it it say dtmafiaofficial doesnt exist there s jus dtmafia i found n u dun seem to b followin it wht to do,Normal +42177,i thought you would support me on this,Normal +42178,augh eff sarth i stole some of mil s nail polish it pretty o,Normal +42179,wish i wa on the spring fling tour with dawn amp neecee sigh g knight,Normal +42180,the hoyts distribution nz website isn t working for me great and it ha to be like this when i need it most,Normal +42181,crummyasshole i don t like that they only had him in the first movie cillian murphy is hot,Normal +42182,wish for good old cartoon to come back ie captain planet where s wally daria sadness,Normal +42183,not feeling v good abt myself,Normal +42184,i just got a text from sarah,Normal +42185,another day at centre point this time an early start so guessing train will be rammed with commuter,Normal +42186,four game this fall modern warfare halo odst brutal legend and bioshock i need more cash,Normal +42187,d castillo ugh that s disconcerting,Normal +42188,devinthedude00 actually the whole site ha finally been taken over by those damn russian,Normal +42189,my tweet arent going through,Normal +42190,just finished a delicious breakfast my last in paris i ll miss milk europe ha the tastiest milk in the world i don t drink it in u,Normal +42191,ilearn is down and out great considering final are this week,Normal +42192,carmonium i m stressed outttt,Normal +42193,also i shouldve bern asleep an hour ago,Normal +42194,trying to figure out this twitter thing none of my friend are on yet soo much to see,Normal +42195,re pinging kyle custom icon i made look cool but the edge could be le square might look bad on a diff background,Normal +42196,i want to be back in la,Normal +42197,enterbelladonna i dunno how to use the forum and i get frustrated with it i ll miss talking to you on here,Normal +42198,lilbucknuts not an option,Normal +42199,georgeruiz unfortunately one of those moment wasn t a giant squid monster,Normal +42200,thestar rage i want one too is the branch in midv open too,Normal +42201,dananner aw sorry to hear that,Normal +42202,change of plan we ordered mac instead time to hit the book,Normal +42203,polhillian yup,Normal +42204,nkdreamer did you see donnie s tweet stats almost 00 reply and no jrk,Normal +42205,tim grainger nah i haven t received my stimulus yet,Normal +42206,ikimb0 i just seen ur tweet plz write bak if u get this i havnt got one reply bak,Normal +42207,mccainblogette awwwww and you were trying to go to sleep hour ago,Normal +42208,stephenkruiser i m so sorry to hear that it s always sad when we lose those close to u a we loved them,Normal +42209,cant sleep but im still feelin like a piece of shit,Normal +42210,stephenkruiser oh my sympathy it s a hard decision i always hope my old border collie will go in her sleep she s too hug,Normal +42211,josephheustess well there wa this really cool part where i wont spoil it,Normal +42212,limbecky i m doing the time warp without you and am sad,Normal +42213,theresawhite this is true lol but it s still a slap in the face after such a warm end of march,Normal +42214,i hate converting movie just to put em on my itouch,Normal +42215,gross i have a pimple,Normal +42216,torturedlady yea ma naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam marwan accent lol,Normal +42217,one le follower tonight,Normal +42218,unholyknight so did your mom last night brb while i figure out whether i just burned you or myself the most,Normal +42219,i feel like i am the only quot twitterer quot not on tweetdeck,Normal +42220,wyldceltic he ha karate tournament in week,Normal +42221,going to sleep can t be up until am again and no i didn t finish my statistic homework,Normal +42222,north carolina baby aint nothin stopping them but the nba draft,Normal +42223,can t sleep again,Normal +42224,i reaaly miss john mayer s twitter fuck rude people remove him if you don t like his tweet bitchfucks,Normal +42225,is going to have a late one at mqu today,Normal +42226,im so tired of work i need a life,Normal +42227,just leavin work my foot hurt,Normal +42228,playradioplay that wa so sad and unexpected i totally cried haha,Normal +42229,superneej morning bah car won t start waiting for the anwb,Normal +42230,still doing my homework,Normal +42231,a little sad,Normal +42232,deepbluesealove my mom amp dad both get up around too early for me,Normal +42233,should ve been asleep two hour ago,Normal +42234,stephenkruiser so sorry to hear about your dog,Normal +42235,funny how the little thing make me homesick criminal breakn n a brownstone on lawnord ci made me misty,Normal +42236,djsoulsister yeah great vid i had the quot single but sold it a few year ago,Normal +42237,im on val s mac in iitsc clubroom still sweating,Normal +42238,stephenkruiser awww so sad i m so sorry,Normal +42239,updatingffe that give me nothing to do for a good twenty minute,Normal +42240,hot compress not rily workng for pulled muscle gng to bed good night,Normal +42241,have an invite for quot healthy dining quot session at ashok hotel today with exec chef r chopra but damn workload will have to skip it,Normal +42242,stephenkruiser i m so sorry to hear about your dog wishing you happier day to come,Normal +42243,hellivina i miss em too,Normal +42244,misstoriblack cool i have no tweet apps for my razr,Normal +42245,i m off too bed i got ta wake up hella early tomorrow morning,Normal +42246,still procrastinating i hate organizing my clothes there s just so much,Normal +42247,just been playing with the new mobbler v0 0 and it add some great new feature but won t play music on my e like v0 did,Normal +42248,latroneb oh but there s one bestie missing,Normal +42249,esuriospiritus time to come back to flawda for double date no seriously i m sorry to hear that,Normal +42250,i m up way to late to be working for a client 0 am fb,Normal +42251,blegghhhh i have to go to work,Normal +42252,back at work john muir dr http loopt u koqabg,Normal +42253,dachesterfrench i emailed you yesterday and u never responded,Normal +42254,it s going to be a long year for a s fan,Normal +42255,just got done watching the new house episode definitely one of the saddest episode ever,Normal +42256,man tax suck i m horrified that i did something wrong on them turbotax decided to keep around a lot of the stuff i turned off,Normal +42257,sleep time tomorrow is gon na suck,Normal +42258,wtf not kutner oh i m so pissed house i mean really wtf,Normal +42259,amberpacific i know i dont know why i said that,Normal +42260,cash rule everything around me,Normal +42261,just picked up some oat from the market to eat for breakfast with my boy adamgoldston now time to do work at usc late night,Normal +42262,i feel sick too much icecream,Normal +42263,faithgg this computer doesn t have shockwave blah no account yet,Normal +42264,rubyrose awww wish i could go but it in sydney,Normal +42265,luxuryprgal hahaha suriously i feel like everyone know this show is a joke except lc,Normal +42266,i just can t spell today i totally suck,Normal +42267,are you vaccinated against chicken pox should i vaccinate my yr old i am so confused about this damn thing,Normal +42268,school at least last day,Normal +42269,yawwwn got ta get up early tomorrow who s ready for the weekend,Normal +42270,i miss being at home for calving season sad that black one died this morning wish i had some bottle calf,Normal +42271,stephenkruiser i so sorry for your loss my brother dog sam is sick w cushing disease,Normal +42272,back to work i get to spend the next hour alone in the dispatch room,Normal +42273,there s a new kind of starburst favereds sound fab bc cherry and strawberry are my fav red s but they added watermellon and it yucky,Normal +42274,well so much for being productive on my day off from angel,Normal +42275,andreabakes oh gee insomnia suck have you tried melatonin,Normal +42276,vivekg good to hear that we have support in netbeans but then it netbeans you know,Normal +42277,heidimontag i wish we would get it the same time at the rest of world unfornately i am in cairo and have to wait for mtva to play it,Normal +42278,heartbroken over little sandra prayer are with the family,Normal +42279,hadtobeyou i m at 900 word it s all can do i ll finish tomorrow maybe,Normal +42280,shortiethug how come ur background cover the screen but mine is in the corner,Normal +42281,wrote exactly three line of dialogue tonight then gave up,Normal +42282,ashman0 my only complaint about facebook is they ve changed it so much it s confusing,Normal +42283,sliced my finger,Normal +42284,going thru town and traffic on bypass is stink,Normal +42285,ugh can t sleep wish i had a good cuddle to make me as out,Normal +42286,i hate when software update downloads update without telling me i never know what s downloading when it is,Normal +42287,went to ihop again great for a diet at least there were no kung foo pancake this time rachel,Normal +42288,the internet is hating me night i s pose,Normal +42289,contactabe i m so jealous i missed all of opening day this year,Normal +42290,it s so cruel having to wait for review to come in so far it look like star trek will be the best film of the year,Normal +42291,debating if i should just shower now so i can sleep a little later tomorrow,Normal +42292,my stress always culminates with physical pain,Normal +42293,need to sleep but cant,Normal +42294,my little pinky finger hurt so much,Normal +42295,sarahsaturday i m sorry your gift card ran out that suck,Normal +42296,home for spring break no one is home tho,Normal +42297,i accessed oneindia mobi from a google phone android it doesn t support indic language,Normal +42298,why doe school take over your life so much you don t get sleep anymore i am still doing school work and have more to do a well,Normal +42299,mtsiaklides aw i wish i could i can t really speak to my yia yia because she doesn t speak english,Normal +42300,winggato no free comp lol,Normal +42301,getting ready to clean the house from top to bottom,Normal +42302,cry my friend is moving away tomorrow,Normal +42303,swiftkaratechop stop nomnoms you didn t share night people,Normal +42304,think she is getting a cold that she caught from daddy oh no my trip would be ruined,Normal +42305,moony 9 yeah is it bcoz kal penn is a visiting lecturer somewhere n cant be on the show anymore im gon na miss him,Normal +42306,so the procrastination start early in the quarter i don t want to reaaaaad and write a paper,Normal +42307,what apparently it s degress at pm in washington state i miss winter already,Normal +42308,being bored at homee,Normal +42309,massage wa great i just spilled coke all over my desk lame watching the simpson a i ve finished all my hill dvd,Normal +42310,nick carter i will wait for you at fanclub chat even tough you re not my favorite,Normal +42311,ha a mild left inner ear infection and it got this irritating quot blocked quot feeling since sunday,Normal +42312,janebodehouse hey there nope my cuteness hoytfortenberry is away for awhile,Normal +42313,it s only tuesday,Normal +42314,haha not even yo i just didn t know how to do that thang to you on twitter haha,Normal +42315,someone alarm clock or a phone woke me up at am still got my headache from yesterday night,Normal +42316,kalichosich awww poor puppy is she ok,Normal +42317,i might break down and eat some buffalo wing tomorrow,Normal +42318,sittin here w kayla i really really reallly dis like having a brother he doesn t know when to stop i m waiting for the day when one of,Normal +42319,fed bokkie too many birthday treat sicko,Normal +42320,s kinda bummed an agency just told me that i didn t have the look that they were going for lady please help me create the look,Normal +42321,work laptop is officially dead not happy at all,Normal +42322,my goodness it s freezing down here,Normal +42323,heidimontag why do you put up with him you should listen to your mom,Normal +42324,is stucked in paris and can t even travel into france for work,Normal +42325,joannafbeckett i don t think there s one close by last time i checked the closest one wa 0 mile away,Normal +42326,aaaaand back to my literature review at least i have a friendly cup of coffee to keep me company,Normal +42327,i am worried that i won t get my 900 even though i paid a buttload of tax last year,Normal +42328,okay so still no school,Normal +42329,is phoneless now off too sleep,Normal +42330,reeked of alcohol at the dentist this morning wa drunk when i put on my tshirt realised it had a huge stain dentist looked disgusted,Normal +42331,it is really cold,Normal +42332,cant sleep she want to dream,Normal +42333,can t sleep i hate these night when i try to go to bed early and stay awake for hour poo,Normal +42334,rootbeersoup yeah too bad people like a certain burrito eating man exist,Normal +42335,cronotriggers that s sad,Normal +42336,just found out that my mum and my adopted auntie are on twitter check them out my mum is tessm and my awesome a auntie is tania,Normal +42337,can not sleep wide awake and i got ta go to work later too boy am i going to have a crappy day,Normal +42338,struggling with eam law,Normal +42339,why can t i sleep like her http twitpic com y ty,Normal +42340,bout to start poor linny couldn t keep her eye open she tired and ha to work tomorrow morning night ilovefatsusan,Normal +42341,my year old year old is driving me around the twist i don t want to be like this,Normal +42342,well that sucked,Normal +42343,i have to be out of my place in day any help i can get packing painting cleaning is much appreciated oh and rip my wall,Normal +42344,opening a partially frozen beer beer on the toaster under the oven and all over the counter the kitchen smell like we run a speakeasy,Normal +42345,stewiebrittany no i dont even know how to ride it,Normal +42346,monasmith sadly yes i think i need counciling now,Normal +42347,making myself ready for school don t feel like going but have two test,Normal +42348,smugness gone my train also failed to turn up so i m heading for victoria followed by an unpleasant tube ride to the city,Normal +42349,anybody know where my ipod went,Normal +42350,aww this earthquake in italy ha made me sad just saw the pic on the news it s terrible,Normal +42351,lilibat never been able to afford to get them out i d much rather go through the extraction than continue with what i deal with now,Normal +42352,why do other pet care people try to run others out of business or send suspicious e mail fishing for info,Normal +42353,kameelahwrites lt codez they ve been mia tho,Normal +42354,reannaremick doesnt work on my cell go to sleep p,Normal +42355,it s going to be nice again tomorrow and then the rain come back no nice weather for my birthday,Normal +42356,taliasunset rock band is hard on expert,Normal +42357,beachbassbone roomie wa home all day all he had to do wa scratch at the door comforter ha to goto large laundromat machine,Normal +42358,one of the hardest thing with this schedule no one i can chat with at the end of my day usually,Normal +42359,they killed off a character on one of my favorite show and now i m upset,Normal +42360,jealous of my friend who got to see the new star trek film in austin tonight,Normal +42361,listening to q i got a really bad headache and a drivin lesson in ten min lucky me i just wana sleeep,Normal +42362,steve buscemi shut up you i am hungry and in britain home of the most boring suckassy breakfast in the world i miss dennys,Normal +42363,good morning everybody pkoi y fais pa beau bon coffee time,Normal +42364,work again,Normal +42365,essay time,Normal +42366,chauncey hey did u talk to mom r they home yet i hope they r ok wish i wa coming home easter,Normal +42367,endearingevania i sure wish i could go with you guy tmrw but a per usual school interferes,Normal +42368,widyatarina say what kal penn s leaving house noooooo awww i totally missed it tonight,Normal +42369,no i lost a loyal,Normal +42370,played another hand very bad and lost half my stack,Normal +42371,it s 0pm early day in a looooooong night at work,Normal +42372,yaykimo it s sad it s the last season i wan na see when spencer call lauren,Normal +42373,so im done editing quot the phipstape quot back crack a brew and see what we got no tree though,Normal +42374,rj i don t know what half of that mean,Normal +42375,homework homework homework,Normal +42376,worked his heart out today doubling my weight at each station result stiff and pulled muscle ouch,Normal +42377,melamachinko now i feel bad for unfollowing,Normal +42378,so tired god i hate the new job and only two day in,Normal +42379,sad about kutner being killed off my fav show house,Normal +42380,happy for coach stringer hof c o 009 now if i can only finish my term paper on her,Normal +42381,i feel like shit this is not the way i want to spend my birthday s eve,Normal +42382,so far i have on all my site put together most of them were me checking out the update i made,Normal +42383,ha a lot on her mind i need to make some money and idea nowhere is hiring,Normal +42384,emiliexclarkex miss you,Normal +42385,stephenkruiser i m so sorry to hear about your dog,Normal +42386,too much internet how it plague me,Normal +42387,i miss my ex soo much,Normal +42388,sodding m http twitpic com y y0,Normal +42389,oh i thought the pirate bay trial verdict wa today s apparently it s in 0 day,Normal +42390,featherinair call me back,Normal +42391,is in study hall now and i will log off immediately http plurk com p mzxbg,Normal +42392,it so tired that im cry for no reason at all im about to try to get an hour and a half in for tonight half what i got last night,Normal +42393,i totally have like four girl option and none of them seem viable,Normal +42394,so far i have veiws on all my site put together most of them were me checking out the update i made,Normal +42395,listening to bjork s all is full of love cry,Normal +42396,omg the hill then i love money aww i think becky buckwild go,Normal +42397,is craving for some tantan nabe http plurk com p mzxcs,Normal +42398,c mon sean man,Normal +42399,watching quot a league of their own quot make me miss mint chocolate ice cream cone and my grand ma fuck,Normal +42400,lost my phone some where maybe in the grass it just so long hope it doesn t rain,Normal +42401,tomatosalsa hope you aren t referring to me say hello to your new stalker lol,Normal +42402,brettyboo why were u sleeping ur gon na be up all night now how wa ur bike ride,Normal +42403,slessard but but but i wan na listen to the master too,Normal +42404,sephystryx i ve been looking about for good stuff to write but also been doing load of uni work,Normal +42405,i feel unloved dropped tweeter,Normal +42406,off to london for the day on thursday it s gon na be raining oh fab won t see much on the london eye still robbie won t care bless him,Normal +42407,completely wiped and reloaded the 900 lost all bbm contact going to bed sad,Normal +42408,mykele sayyyy whaaaa i wasn t invited,Normal +42409,didn t sleep too bad considering i have a workshop starting today beginning of a sore throat though,Normal +42410,astewart oh my gosh that made me emotional haha idk why i dont want to get old,Normal +42411,we re going to post some story manually due to twitterfeed problem that s why we ve been so quiet lately,Normal +42412,i don t like lukewarm shower,Normal +42413,linuxfoundation who should i contact if i need a 099 for freelance work i did on linux com throughout 00 never got one,Normal +42414,skylineking connor it s me febi are you really really mad at me,Normal +42415,need some help want to buy a macbook pro but still inlove with my old powerbook,Normal +42416,michaeltao man america is so borez anyway lol i just realized you sent me msg on here i had no idea i have no flash,Normal +42417,hellivina ihopness g knight lovely lady i m sleepy now,Normal +42418,doe anybody know how to get your electrolyte back in order with a vitamin work i feel sick,Normal +42419,sudam0 yes someone hasn t been reading my post properly,Normal +42420,almost through with my italian homework weeeeee now if i only understood what i wa doing,Normal +42421,who turned the light on it will be time to get ip then,Normal +42422,therealnph twitter hate u both then,Normal +42423,i hate the fact that i m genuinely excited about my last tweet,Normal +42424,celesteclara i can t sleep either,Normal +42425,theblondetheory between that and the italy earthquake it s been a very sad news day,Normal +42426,champagnemanoir all rain today garden really need it so not quite so bad,Normal +42427,yawn yawn yawn 0 more minute in bed,Normal +42428,majesticflame ouch sound very sucky,Normal +42429,bengottlieb great idea with the itunes promo code they don t work in the uk itunes store though,Normal +42430,mattycus cry,Normal +42431,rumlover an empty rum barrel is a sad rum barrel shake head the horror the horror,Normal +42432,it wa a sleepless night,Normal +42433,billybush she admitted to being a fake,Normal +42434,batmannn i love chutney,Normal +42435,got highly bored today scanning page for daddy had to do it,Normal +42436,misterphipps you cooked risotto without me,Normal +42437,keeeerrrrriiiiii i really have nothing better to do then post on this thing at am wonderfullll say alot,Normal +42438,yay for baseball season boo to yankee losing their first game,Normal +42439,lost suck because i have to work today,Normal +42440,omg exam killed me how could i not know the difference between haif a circle and a hemisphere lt gt,Normal +42441,in bed i suddenly feel i wish ma wa here w me goodnight twitterfam,Normal +42442,rachelcmrn i don t like goodnights,Normal +42443,greaaat my lappy won t turn on wtffffff,Normal +42444,m rkm you stuck in traffic then my journey wa traffic free this morning if it s any help,Normal +42445,lookin like an all nighter i hate it when i do this to myself,Normal +42446,vernonhamilton you re a stranger,Normal +42447,debbugging old vb code the day could have started better,Normal +42448,toddlington only a quarter of a percent babe darn,Normal +42449,coming down with a cold or bad allergy either way i m miserable,Normal +42450,can t believe cutner is dead on house sad day in santa rosa ca http loopt u orpl a,Normal +42451,damnit i wa really digging this season of reaper http www tv com story 0 html ref story id 0 amp ref type 0 amp ref name story,Normal +42452,gah comcast doubled our cable internet bill w out telling u so we are quitting can anyone suggest an affordable company in bay area,Normal +42453,another early morn with the duchess although she hadn t managed to cross her leg this time,Normal +42454,alexbigman you left without saying hi,Normal +42455,l want but i can t sleep,Normal +42456,tracydowds when an xbox show those three red light it mean it s dead and need to be fixed for a month at microsoft hq,Normal +42457,a king sized bed is nice but sad and lonely with no hubby puppy or kitty i am over this whole conferenceing thing,Normal +42458,im boredd gah i wish i could just sleep and get it over with but ive had toooo muchh cooooffffeeeeeeeee bahaha,Normal +42459,whyinthehell if i may butt in again i m done being nosey sorry your conversation wa just so interesting,Normal +42460,smokey robinson you fell off my list did i offend you,Normal +42461,week till sister home i missed her call again it the worst feeling in the world,Normal +42462,gon na try to get some sleep in this hotel room,Normal +42463,chimpytwit brilliant idea just bring a much a you think you ll spend amp i ll swap you bring a brolly,Normal +42464,simonekali get me an autograph and shout out you have to record it though my computer is dead so i can t listen,Normal +42465,rt kimkardashian khloe just got fired from the apprentice,Normal +42466,in biology class my lip hurt,Normal +42467,sorry for the next tweet,Normal +42468,grr not down to go to school today,Normal +42469,jennlopez i had to get an hd tivo and just got it set up tonight in order to get channel 0 9,Normal +42470,mouthsex i asked everyone how they were doing yesterday and not a single tweet back,Normal +42471,adame ruddy money i like it still waiting here oh what a surprise by state too hmmm seriously,Normal +42472,kal penn i am so sad kutner wa my favorite of the new team,Normal +42473,marcusmims wow i didn t get an quot hello quot u suck,Normal +42474,bedtime school tomorrow and i still have no book being broke suck,Normal +42475,seating here helping my baby with his paper well he is forcing me too seat with him im sleepy,Normal +42476,synching my contact from my old mobile to iphone import doe not work well,Normal +42477,i can t concentrate,Normal +42478,i ve just spent hour to enter all the bureaucratic nonsense for march what a waste of my time,Normal +42479,nw more confused then ever,Normal +42480,not feeling well again stupid migraine making my tummy upset and my whole body ache shoot me now,Normal +42481,reading buyology before bedtime great premise but only turning out to be an quot ok quot book lot of info i already knew,Normal +42482,home i really wana sleep but due to wasting my free line in town i have an assignment to finish,Normal +42483,hellobebe i also send some update in plurk but i upload photo on twitter you didnt see any of my update on plurk zero,Normal +42484,omg quot the reader quot is making me,Normal +42485,cloudpimps d oh at least you re getting a decent exchange rate at the moment sterling is still getting flogged,Normal +42486,tried to download tweetdeck but it wont download,Normal +42487,there s an inch of snow on the ground and counting i m worried about the poor flower,Normal +42488,dweeman why aren t you a happy camper,Normal +42489,dkoenigs thanks man i m so very grateful i feel unworthy of such attention though because i m in this because of myself,Normal +42490,t wolfe i miss u too i m totally comin back tho lastnight wa sooooooo much fun,Normal +42491,sniffinglue ohhh i love it p i m sad we didn t get to hang out,Normal +42492,and somehow i still end up in this place,Normal +42493,kisluvkis oh that is very sad poor boy,Normal +42494,jonathanrknight silver tulip um that would be a hell no to the fugly poker dog pant on the cruise hi jonathan sorry i missed you,Normal +42495,i m doing my homework it s gosh darn hard,Normal +42496,definitely no vacation for me http plurk com p mzygb,Normal +42497,study group extraordinare about to leave campus some of tort outline finished good thing but sleepy a h will be back am,Normal +42498,why can t airfare go down or why do i have to live in texas i don t know if i ll be able to make it to iowa,Normal +42499,j stricko i found it pretty frustrating stupid monkey,Normal +42500,lenesha but im not feeling well mommy,Normal +42501,lovebscott nope i m right along wit you,Normal +42502,so a murder gotcha cant believe it,Normal +42503,nbensalem i m sitting at my house and i m sooo not looking forward to my one class tomorrow,Normal +42504,ordered some maternity clothes online which came today i got something strange i didn t order not in my size and stuff is missing,Normal +42505,citizensheep,Normal +42506,thesage 0 i wish i could got ta work though,Normal +42507,seaghostdesigns what happened to you on saturday you didnt show up,Normal +42508,girlsgonechild,Normal +42509,can t fall asleep,Normal +42510,i have mouth ulcer so painful to talk and eat,Normal +42511,danphelan urgh it wa just the video and they cut the robot part,Normal +42512,my dog can t move anymore praying that he will be okay,Normal +42513,kal penn you were pretty much my fave not much reason to watch now,Normal +42514,artistbabee but tht s annoying amp definitely not bitchy enough he def broke like everything in me he prolly doesn t even kno oct,Normal +42515,mileycyrus hahaha dont be like that one time in ny when you got 0 min of sleep then got sick love you,Normal +42516,normalguyguide i can t i have so much to learn about wwi by tomorrow at noon,Normal +42517,new post http tinyurl com cexkqy,Normal +42518,graemearcher i am sad about innocent selling out too,Normal +42519,dang won t be able to get to any workshop run by web direction,Normal +42520,benpritchett goodness me how did you find me it s good to hear from you ben i still have your video game and book i apologize,Normal +42521,jap girl they re leaving,Normal +42522,my poor little girl ha a baaaad rash on her bum and isnt feeling good,Normal +42523,nicolerichie yes we had the vhs i cried when the old man died,Normal +42524,argh got up early for girl aloud on freshly squeezed and it wa just the video,Normal +42525,travian total cost of the atk for the aggressor 0 resource all said and done i m guessing he s not going to let that slide,Normal +42526,waiting for kelly s call,Normal +42527,mhm not having a good day blah blah blah,Normal +42528,octopuseatspie i got the i can ha chezburger book from the lobo and you are not here to look at it wif me,Normal +42529,i m trying to work on my last assignment of the year but i just can t get that spark all i want to do is lay in the grass and read,Normal +42530,robertfperez ugh of course not just thursday and friday sat i have both kid,Normal +42531,kal penn oh my gosh i m still emotionally dying at the fact that kutner s gone arggg kal ily,Normal +42532,kaozdesign i think i found my face unfortunately you didn t find yours yet,Normal +42533,seeing that shouldnt have made my stomach flip like it did,Normal +42534,headache pleeeease go away,Normal +42535,siddharth ind yeah i do i have an application that run every few minute to do that but it the add ons they conflict all the time,Normal +42536,pretty good coaching with exceptional talent trounces exceptional coaching and pretty good talent msu,Normal +42537,i hate tuesday,Normal +42538,gracedent it s her quot hair quot i can t deal with,Normal +42539,feel like i m stuck in a rut waiting to hear back from school is killing me also decided to take a break from wow for awhile,Normal +42540,i need new glass mine is hangnon arm,Normal +42541,meat week day tummy hurt every night,Normal +42542,why isn t there a quot fake quot verruca on twitter now i m sad,Normal +42543,on the phone with the bestie than shower confused i don t know what to do,Normal +42544,sirrah aww poor froofroo this is way too late for you,Normal +42545,i miss my 0 fam,Normal +42546,officialprofoz she sed puerto rican,Normal +42547,joefernandez klout your not thinking of selling are you,Normal +42548,simx yeah i always slow down at the end also take that i win,Normal +42549,pornstartweet i wan na go but i am only 0,Normal +42550,lovemeagan how i ms the snippet hun wts it of may i ask i wan na hear,Normal +42551,i know big love true blood and united state of tara have too long of wait between season,Normal +42552,sensesdestroyer i wan na go to lamb of god,Normal +42553,is sad she ha lost her hn arm band it just disappeared,Normal +42554,set my alarm to wake up wanted to speak to my si in africa on skype i miss her sooo much,Normal +42555,awh damn my puppy ha tick,Normal +42556,h ouse made me sad oh kutner,Normal +42557,saffron why not,Normal +42558,why do i keep looking i know that what i read is gon na hurt but i still look i guess it s just a girl thing amp i need to get over him,Normal +42559,need hug snuggle,Normal +42560,health uandpets saw the one with a gsd covered in them and i could not stop cry i just bawled and bawled,Normal +42561,rachel and jessy r making me work out thanks you guy,Normal +42562,i m wishing i had more time,Normal +42563,mycaricature the only bit that got me really wa when he said babs wa a bad mum i m sure that hurt her even though she s laughing,Normal +42564,i am not wanting to go to school tomorrow,Normal +42565,used the term quot fail whale quot to a client on a pitch last night from their incomprehension corp twitter is being done much lower in the org,Normal +42566,rootbeerfloats you hate billy now,Normal +42567,on a day work week fast forward to thursday please,Normal +42568,snaprebelx omg i love that show i would be so mad i feel ur pain im sorry they spoiled it for u,Normal +42569,is it possible to die from coughing it suck being ill,Normal +42570,cant believe i have to go all the way to barnes for work today instead of a minute walk to st john wood,Normal +42571,paulieseow hahahahahah i can easily make ice milo but it just not the same,Normal +42572,why do both of my best friend have to be shitty simultaneously can u at least take turn hurting my feeling jerk going sleep,Normal +42573,my art is regressing,Normal +42574,onlysweeter i don t know the dance,Normal +42575,laurwee boo im ok i guess had a hard day,Normal +42576,jade is looking for a new home http apps facebook com dogbook profile view,Normal +42577,damnnn i missed,Normal +42578,sarahprout tweetfinder hate me and i wa having trouble with background on twitter what do you think,Normal +42579,twilighter life lol yeh ill be studying stupid uni only more week and im on holiday yay plus my birthday next week woot,Normal +42580,transbay quot sfmta budget proposal hearing tomorrow april at 00 pm city hall room 00 sadly i can not attend quot me neither,Normal +42581,is afraid that her g i note will not read themselves,Normal +42582,sigh rain why did you decide to show up move away you were not invited to the tuesday party this is not the start i hoped for,Normal +42583,secretgarden i haven t gotten any porn spammer i don t check my follower but haven t had any tweet like that,Normal +42584,somebody is selling the japan only release of my first album on e bay for damn thats it a classic is worth more than that,Normal +42585,charleneli disqus now integrates conversation on many platform haven t heard abt j kit,Normal +42586,and they advertising fake louis bag a 00 authentic on google i m pissed,Normal +42587,can t sleep dam nap lol and it hot,Normal +42588,why do i keep looking i know that what i read is gon na hurt but i still look i guess it s just a girl thing,Normal +42589,henrygooden oddchicken i went there about a month and a half ago wa still open then smelt really good but i wa getting sick,Normal +42590,is ready to go to bed long day tomorrow,Normal +42591,job searching fyi yahoo hot job suck im never going to find a job,Normal +42592,no electricity today so no tweet,Normal +42593,big think can zack tell me how to edit my bio profile why create a login at a different co s site to get an answer from bt techhelp,Normal +42594,morning all starving and dying for a cuppa but can t co off to doc for fasting blood test in a little while,Normal +42595,very tired this morning no idea why great start to the day,Normal +42596,morning all i m back from my little break from the computer back to work again today,Normal +42597,at mobilityvic org launch no grog nice video from pwc though,Normal +42598,still no quot follower quot please some inform me on how this work,Normal +42599,miss him right now i need a hug,Normal +42600,tried to get up earlier today didn t work out,Normal +42601,omg revision revision revision i feel like i wasted an amazingly beautiful day today doing pointless work,Normal +42602,foot is out of commission ouch running this morning did not help not smart,Normal +42603,about to shower which i hope will wake me up at last oh and the synth experiment yielded nothing last night,Normal +42604,is really bored and really sleepy and mad she can t find a custom lanyard maker that wont make me buy 000000 minimum,Normal +42605,cmykevin ooh nice but williams sonoma already got to me,Normal +42606,i ve finally given in now at malaysian restaurant waiting for nasi lemak and teh tarik mereka tak faham bm http twitpic com y bh,Normal +42607,waitin the theory test centre open,Normal +42608,got woken up this mornng at am damn lorry van and car accident just outside on our main road also causing car alarm to go off,Normal +42609,i think i need to get laid sad revolution i had earlier rofl,Normal +42610,ourcitylight that wa so sudden,Normal +42611,now i want amanita someone made me feel unliving,Normal +42612,lanarisque hahahahhha hows your food poisening going ha it gone away,Normal +42613,missxmarisa haven t heard from hannah at all yet it s very disappointing,Normal +42614,hutsoncap everything alright,Normal +42615,is procrastinating i feel ill but don t want to go to bed,Normal +42616,danielhalpin gon na try and find a sport bar to watch that at not got a chance though i don t think,Normal +42617,want to go home and watch the hill,Normal +42618,sarmar i guess i m out of funny,Normal +42619,moethebeat aww moe i wa planning on leaving tomorrow evening are you gon na be in town by chance,Normal +42620,i wan na write but i m not cool enough to make up a storylineee,Normal +42621,gripping agreed love the sound but hate how everyone know them,Normal +42622,brendamew no art tomorrow and nice to see you ve joined twitter,Normal +42623,sigh i think my pm is making my mind totally over analyse thing and making me sad,Normal +42624,doriantaylor i had one outside my patio i named him rex then the gardner took him down rip rex,Normal +42625,ooops just ate a panini from w mart cold that say it needed to be thoroughly cooked it didn t taste raw i die nao from f poisoning,Normal +42626,good morning for a very rainy france no gardening for me today,Normal +42627,if ever there wa a day for staying in bed today is it,Normal +42628,got to take cleo to the vet not sure what s wrong with her but she s feeling very sorry for herself,Normal +42629,today is day of my fast amp i feel i may break b i go bed i must hold out til the end of the wk must stayed focused wish me luck,Normal +42630,extremely jealous,Normal +42631,kimmyawesome ohhhh that suck i love the summer set,Normal +42632,daydee tell it you forgot your password amp it will give you a new one it s the only way i can prevent ton of spam,Normal +42633,bedtime wake up call at am,Normal +42634,so glad i made it through work with an extra hour too and my paycheck still waiting on the one i lost though,Normal +42635,mum s been taken to hospital they don t know what s wrong she s been vomiting since yesterday rushing back to get to the hospital,Normal +42636,congested nose,Normal +42637,can t sleep need to talk to someone,Normal +42638,penalba por favor decime ke no estas involucrado en esa pagina nicatrolls they re the cancer that s killing b,Normal +42639,too cold and tired to write good twitter everyone wa obeying the cop tonight total dissappointment we were so close,Normal +42640,lifee get worsee amp amp worsee,Normal +42641,dnwallace i am shuddering and shaking too,Normal +42642,sorting brekkie for the kid then off to the horrible place called work boohoo,Normal +42643,my condolence to natasha richardson s family,Normal +42644,littleyellowjen what do don t think ily nawwww,Normal +42645,where s derrick http ff im xwxs,Normal +42646,need to stop sleeping all day cause some problem when you re wide awake at am,Normal +42647,missed today s ellen,Normal +42648,i suddenly miss my flintstone vitamin tablet soooo gooood,Normal +42649,mattpro legitimately good cop out there,Normal +42650,onlytosee twitter s been doing that to me tooo,Normal +42651,pealuh i think i need to go to twitterholics anonymous,Normal +42652,lizhenry we haven t heard from her or sha,Normal +42653,my heart ha been broken,Normal +42654,i forgot how to sleep,Normal +42655,morning everyone in serious need of some decent coffee why isn t the catering open yet at 0 0,Normal +42656,mostazzza im sorry i ve failed you,Normal +42657,codaqueen oh wait he doe have in oakland on the th can t understand why he only ha amp in oakland,Normal +42658,is missing talking to my bff on da phone,Normal +42659,wondering why i am so stupid need to eat more fish i guess sigh,Normal +42660,i miss my old friend from elementary an middle school,Normal +42661,twitter please fix this http sp ro b bdb because it brake all external twitter avatar search,Normal +42662,look like i ve missed out on yet another job someone please employ me haha,Normal +42663,tacce dang i ll get house off itunes i hear it wa a devastating episode,Normal +42664,wow the shout box ha kicked me out and i can t get back in i guess this mean good night,Normal +42665,slideshare s embed code is annoying me sorry about the tiny embed fail,Normal +42666,flawless why did my baby have to eat prune today and now he finally went my poor baby,Normal +42667,i am bored nothing to do,Normal +42668,morning all st appointment of the day the dentist,Normal +42669,amyserrata he wrote most of the album but ironically the single he did not write,Normal +42670,someone please take gossip girl away from me i m addicted,Normal +42671,good night swetdreamss to everyonee and jared never chat in kyte puff,Normal +42672,horrible sore throat hurt,Normal +42673,time to get dressed i suppose gah another workday,Normal +42674,not to self licking off pudding from a seafood fork not so enjoyable a slowly licking off of a spoon,Normal +42675,all ready to go to the premier and just realized how under dressed i am,Normal +42676,it just make me happy over and over again i wish i wan t afraid to fly http tinyurl com skpp,Normal +42677,eyrro awwwww bummerr sorry missed it again,Normal +42678,waking up to the sound of jackhammer is not a pleasant way to start the day,Normal +42679,almostcool i m off now,Normal +42680,jon that just totally made my night lmao they were like screaming at me and i couldn t focus on the 900 mph song,Normal +42681,nevada is really long and the gas pump are down but on a good note i just won in a slot machine i love to gamble,Normal +42682,amirrabennett nope baby s due in th may getting closer but still 00 thing not done,Normal +42683,headache,Normal +42684,is still effinggggg sick when will i get better ughh,Normal +42685,still in bed and don t want to do anything else university is callung too loud,Normal +42686,seattle is in tent i miss my t o peepz tho,Normal +42687,it just make me happy over and over again i just wish i wasn t afraid to fly http tinyurl com skpp,Normal +42688,errrggggg my tummy hurt,Normal +42689,thought it would be interesting to get f update from twitter slightly regretting the decision i can t see anyone el s update,Normal +42690,ripped switcheasy color,Normal +42691,we failed that song,Normal +42692,poor mel feeling your pain,Normal +42693,ugh still working on project just taking a small break,Normal +42694,the one day i have to go to school is the same day something exciting happens at parliament square,Normal +42695,watko shockingly not,Normal +42696,today wa a le interesting day on twitter cboyack igeldard and iidiocracy were all kind of quiet today,Normal +42697,courtneybrwn awww thanks i hate being sick,Normal +42698,vip guest today quot blohheeee i hate it,Normal +42699,up early,Normal +42700,what the fuck youku i want to watch skin,Normal +42701,i forgot my phone in my car but i m too scared to go outside and get it,Normal +42702,i totally forgot we were going to do fisheye night what u doing thursday btw i m so late with the hill lol,Normal +42703,totally shocked by the episode of house this eveing lost one of my favorite character,Normal +42704,offbytwo seeing a doctor i hope,Normal +42705,didn t pas the first part of the cset i missed it by effing point,Normal +42706,kevinpeterson the g case were like that but scratch don t void your warrenty dent do a i found out,Normal +42707,i have chapped lip boo,Normal +42708,ryleebeth ye im not very sad but weirdly enough shes lettin me go da party how confusing parent r lol,Normal +42709,kimboinlimbo no chance of that coming back when it d be 0 min faster than the javelin though,Normal +42710,bored and lonely,Normal +42711,back to classic rainy amsterdam day,Normal +42712,feel like cry that s how sick i feel,Normal +42713,horror wench me toooooo i feel like i ve been on the verge of an anxiety attack all day,Normal +42714,i woke up an hour ago now i m having a hard time going back to bed in lakewood ca http loopt u rywlhq,Normal +42715,going to sleep with lily and rocki lt johnathon is too busy watching batman movie http twitpic com y j,Normal +42716,gaspitsnicole sigh me too mostly i midd hsnging out with my friend damn growing up p,Normal +42717,mrskutcher lol i wish i only had bad sync in germany right now where the subtitle dont work at all lol,Normal +42718,alyssaspears i m sorry maybe walking around all goofy at the store would help hint hint lt,Normal +42719,contempted did the heroic ever go through if not sorry,Normal +42720,im so tired this morning and there wa only cold shower water not happy,Normal +42721,haha i ve been with my grandma for day even she s about house away i ll still miss her,Normal +42722,clearing my desk,Normal +42723,w every person there i didn t get a pic my phone died but he signed my shirt so amazing word can not describe should ve skipped mel lol,Normal +42724,is cry inside please oh please let it rain so warm,Normal +42725,thecoolestout,Normal +42726,packing my overnight bag for tomorrow going to the hospital,Normal +42727,gaspitsnicole sigh me too mostly i miss hsnging out with my friend damn growing up p oh yeah i miss being able to spell too lol,Normal +42728,glavas lol u read my bio but spelt my name wrong darylo ahem,Normal +42729,guten morgen up and off to get ready to go to phantasialand cologne yay but booooo last park of holiday,Normal +42730,la discoteca i just saw this im sorry,Normal +42731,nikicheong just reminded me that krispykreme http www krispykreme com my ha landed in msia and ha an ugly website,Normal +42732,guykawasaki that s so sad for the goat wa ah ah ah ah ah,Normal +42733,watching the roadworks develop outside the office that ll make me late for the next 0 week fb,Normal +42734,at work w asma nawal in fe obeerate alwatan tv,Normal +42735,i wish i could go bed with out having take an allergy pill,Normal +42736,khqrightnow i heard them making announcement trying to find them the mother looked so worried,Normal +42737,i have to work alone on saturday anyone wan na come keep me company cough cough,Normal +42738,ok maybe i ll sleep for an hour or two then i must rise to work on my thesis,Normal +42739,goodd nightt sweet dream to everyonee jared neveerr chat on kyte lol,Normal +42740,tiffinyhogg i heard timewarp wa fantastic gutted i missed it wa playing egg,Normal +42741,wishing it wasn t in the morning sleeping is awesome work is not and i need to scrub my apt,Normal +42742,eileenb i had that a while back http tinyurl com dmukpr and i know some other people that have too,Normal +42743,baf0 hi steven man it s only been a week and i m already behind on school work,Normal +42744,weebeedee run wa great thanks is very windy today so bike ride not an option this morning,Normal +42745,aniita 0 yes i did that s a sad topic for me haha i am not going to the concert it s very far and probably very expensive,Normal +42746,couple of mt text didn t arrive here,Normal +42747,decided to rejoin aerobics co i know i won t exercise if i don t after paying for it i only have rm left in my bag,Normal +42748,ientje 9 aw i m fine too thanks yeah i miss you so much on the mfc but hope we can talk later on today kiss huglove,Normal +42749,hartym look interesting but lot of 00 error on the documentation website,Normal +42750,kal penn you were my favorite you did an excellent job,Normal +42751,this break my heart navy seal marcus luttrell s doggy http www rightpundits com p 9 i am filled with rage,Normal +42752,argh ive eaton so so much today,Normal +42753,zurich doe not have smelly bag anymore,Normal +42754,in the university in the classroom on the computer shit my day is boring,Normal +42755,i want to get back in bed,Normal +42756,fanofbsb ever sorry you missed it,Normal +42757,worst burn of my life so sick,Normal +42758,priscillacruz so funny because i watched only the strong today what are the chance i miss capoeira zoom zoom,Normal +42759,it s official i m going to have an educational summer owh god bless me,Normal +42760,avisionofbeauty your phone doesn t like it sorry,Normal +42761,too much to do not enough motivation,Normal +42762,missoliviaa nooo brat to the west coast hahaa quite making me sad,Normal +42763,oh everyone is going to sleep how much i wish i could it only pm and im work,Normal +42764,one thing i hate about dozing off in lects i wake up to a sheaf of wet and badly smudged note,Normal +42765,sleepy head chance of actually sleeping slim to fucking none,Normal +42766,where ha all my money gone,Normal +42767,now i m down to 0 battery,Normal +42768,kristenjstewart just watched the trailer for adventureland on itunes look so funny pity i don t think we get it in australia,Normal +42769,i m so tired have to get up and go in to school during holiday for the rd time xxx,Normal +42770,omg more than 0 people is the death toll in italy,Normal +42771,thisismyiq layin down i dont feel well,Normal +42772,scc skwerl aww how depressing,Normal +42773,theblondetheory ditch in another parish some really sick people in this world,Normal +42774,yo jimo i cant talk on aim anymore it glitching ill cya later and i hope u see this,Normal +42775,i just gave an msu fan a car rental discount he looked so sad i just couldn t turn him away,Normal +42776,ordered a pita it nevr came why they say the fax machine broke and the driver left what about my empty belly,Normal +42777,britney wa fucking amazing after we just went back to the hotel i hate travelling with cheapos,Normal +42778,powerpoole some people try to be tricky some stop using twitter at all i guess it s a good a it get i had to try,Normal +42779,dra on now i am sad co u r sad,Normal +42780,gotobekiddingme i tried and failed,Normal +42781,ditty00 i m looking at mine and i can t even get to it school work suck atleast when u get home that s it lol,Normal +42782,ac dc rocked last night back to reality today 0000 people without home and gt 0 dead in italy,Normal +42783,heatherlibby oh well she seems like trouble christian slater is trying to kill her at the moment,Normal +42784,hoping i can get some decent sleep tonight since i didn t get any worth shittt last night goodnight world xoxo,Normal +42785,i want diana f it look great,Normal +42786,i ve got one of those spot that doesn t really show yet but hurt like hell and will no doubt be a beauty tomorrow,Normal +42787,ekim 0 hehehe too bad they were separated,Normal +42788,babe aint callin,Normal +42789,hetty christ heh yeah i shakily conquered the ladder pointless job tho we re too far away to receive digital signal w antenna,Normal +42790,good morning hope everyone is feeling better than me this cold ha really got hold now,Normal +42791,train rammed fellow commuter vile special derision reserved for the man who appeared out of nowhere to claim his seat luggage rack,Normal +42792,kal penn i will miss you on the show you were awesome what a shock,Normal +42793,talking to a boy hating work though,Normal +42794,someone keep me up im at work,Normal +42795,larrissar please don t leave stay for grant s bday,Normal +42796,danielcalderonl yeaah i hate that,Normal +42797,pmelt the only bad thing about aid is you can only catch it once id want to inflict more pain on the deadshits of this world,Normal +42798,childhoodflames whats wrong,Normal +42799,off to bed now sick n can t sleep but will try w help of med s,Normal +42800,blip fm is down i m going back to normal tweeting for a while,Normal +42801,lilylauren i get sad when ppl shave their moustache i don t know if i d cry about it tho,Normal +42802,oh my gosh oh my gosh susy is going to kill me with her remedy,Normal +42803,finally going to sleep and waking up early to study,Normal +42804,i miss my friend from elementary and middle school,Normal +42805,cyantificnhs ball although without the tune it s just a holiday then,Normal +42806,chick corea wa tonight and i missed it now she sob,Normal +42807,i m going to love this season of the hill i can tell spartan sucked goodnight,Normal +42808,need to study for quant and do legal process assessment for moro,Normal +42809,itsangie i canceled it with plane ticket hotel stay and ticket it wa close to 00 if we eat cheaply man i soooo want to see o,Normal +42810,polaroidskyline that sound fair horrible i wa going to repeat myself but i guess the text i just sent you would do it better whee,Normal +42811,bivancamp aw that suuuucks sorry dear,Normal +42812,neyawn yeah interview don t know even when it is,Normal +42813,lfta so ur just gon na delete me like that y do i feel like quot tom cruise quot on jerry maguire when he got fired right now yo lol,Normal +42814,had the worst dream abt some turd face i used to date ugh it wa awful,Normal +42815,shresthayash ouch i can just imagine a toothpic in the eye or something,Normal +42816,uh i feel so lonely i wish my bffwiamc best friend forever who is also my cousin ha a twitter,Normal +42817,why do people keep following me and then randomly stop it make me sad,Normal +42818,still feeling bleh spew burp and all,Normal +42819,hot deadline,Normal +42820,ha to return the shirt she bought from topshop bc she ha 0 in her bank account that ha to last her the rest of the month life suck,Normal +42821,woke up at am far too early more coffee then,Normal +42822,is tooooooooo cold,Normal +42823,why is it raining tomorrow night after it wa sooo nice today guess i should be thankful that i wa able to enjoy it at least,Normal +42824,michael crichton,Normal +42825,curse my slow internet i miss youtube,Normal +42826,feel a headache coming on,Normal +42827,gordonchiu you re one letter alway korean don t use quot x quot so there s no hope for me,Normal +42828,working on the holy week,Normal +42829,marnieblaze haha nope i guess nothing is original these day,Normal +42830,lot of revision to do tonight too for my final assessment more assessment today a well 90 pas mark is harsh,Normal +42831,all thats stapling chipped my nail,Normal +42832,is cold,Normal +42833,paulteeter we passed by the border,Normal +42834,chewie update ocd in left leg fixed but possible ocd in right leg a well and worse still hip dysplasia in both hip not good,Normal +42835,just got back from the hospital bf s nephew might have meningitis,Normal +42836,chi u nay h p chu n b t ch c m y s ki n tr ng bao nhi u vi c,Normal +42837,is coldd,Normal +42838,please watch this vid and tell me if you are not moved http www youtube com watch v eujsme0torw,Normal +42839,boo another day at work but only to go then day off,Normal +42840,driving to schiphol apperantly i am not the only one stuck around aalsmeer,Normal +42841,not anymore how doe daisy manage to take up of the bed,Normal +42842,garretjiroux do u write back on twitter i miss ya garee x,Normal +42843,getting changed in the hope that that mean we can go to the store now poor cat is out of food oops,Normal +42844,i m in pain,Normal +42845,nicolerichie haha yeah they were that band from mmc i used to have a cd but i lost it,Normal +42846,i miss my bcd friend,Normal +42847,oliyoung but that requires assembly assembly is completely overrated tonight this is harder than i thought,Normal +42848,on a diet woke up day hungry,Normal +42849,jbeauty oooh head high killin em wit da no lol didn t think so but u don t really know me yet i m a good tucker inner haha,Normal +42850,i hate cooking dinner,Normal +42851,maikeru you aren t connected with me back so i can t dm you,Normal +42852,my compassion to the people in italy my mother is calling with our relative in italy right now,Normal +42853,riskyrevenge wait what sick,Normal +42854,oishiieats did they play polite dance song only my fav please dont say they did or course they did damn me,Normal +42855,i need to find a battery for an elinchrom ranger nobody in canada ha any in stock,Normal +42856,so now it s just a wait amp see game i fall asleep amp it might or might not be there when i wake,Normal +42857,off to london today,Normal +42858,smile like you mean it wow this song brings back memory still can t sleep,Normal +42859,muzocan we should talk about this australia issue,Normal +42860,i wa woken up from a deep sleep just to be let go for mad max not happy and now i can not sleep,Normal +42861,sorry wa getting ready going to leave at am today,Normal +42862,got a speeding ticket,Normal +42863,kristensaywhaa he is an as hm did you watch the first episodeee i freakin missed it,Normal +42864,scarletjac but not good for me close to my current challenge,Normal +42865,but the international font look ugly going back to original font after all who d tweet in malayalam,Normal +42866,doing some business study revision,Normal +42867,miss david actually,Normal +42868,http community livejournal com ohnotheydidnt 90 html how freakin cool is that why doesnt shit like that happen to me,Normal +42869,i can t believe it i got my answer and didn t have to ask the question this feel awful,Normal +42870,won t be tweeting much tonight maybe all tweet will come out in form of tweet vomit later at about in the morning,Normal +42871,i think i need to get laid sad revolution i had earlier rofl http twurl nl ibz wb,Normal +42872,txt chat with jake lmfao it frikkin awesome i miss this effin boy so much awww hoping you guy would come back here na xxxx,Normal +42873,itsdawns thank rmilana don t like it hehe but it s very easy and well i m just a danish dude,Normal +42874,craftysince 990 lol that s sweet i bought ticket last year amp amp my partnerincrime flaked so i didn t end up going but this for sure,Normal +42875,razzberrie wha so now it gb yay haha no more laggy computer but my mba can not upgrade,Normal +42876,defsound aawwwww i know what u mean iv never been that girl with a sense of humor,Normal +42877,zaibatsu me i m up,Normal +42878,wa super lucky to get a seat on the train we pay 0 for this min journey,Normal +42879,coyoteontherun bet i oh wait mac no prolly not,Normal +42880,my navel piercing tore a bit when i wa forcing my dog into the bed of my truck my fault i know it look to be healing yay,Normal +42881,wow i got sick out of nowhere and now i cant think straight and mtv hasnt posted the hill online wtf,Normal +42882,just woke up apple gig wa ace last night seriously tired now work begin in one hour,Normal +42883,today s episode of quot house quot episode simple explanation wa so heartbreaking,Normal +42884,i m frankly disappointed and offended that there is a blogger writing against fu penguin,Normal +42885,tpaw wooo yeah sorry to hear you missed out on origin ticket,Normal +42886,gooood mooorning world i had a dream last night i fucked my knee again def need to kick start my strengthening ready for bournemouth s,Normal +42887,i need some selsun blue pretty sure i have a small spot of haole rot,Normal +42888,i think im coming down with something,Normal +42889,re newing my twitter,Normal +42890,lindseyviloria about that i am gon na be in mexico,Normal +42891,sweetlyaroundme p i woke up this morning and i cant access any website or i havent cleaned my computer completely,Normal +42892,hate hearing his girl being ill nothing i can do though,Normal +42893,stevediamond i know they have trouble but i never heard a thing i had many recommendation from mrtweet,Normal +42894,scarlettdane no mary amp i were going to go dress shopping tomorrow,Normal +42895,noelclarke good morning you stop ignoring me just co i said i like cough take that am very sad now boo hoo,Normal +42896,feeling light headed and gross,Normal +42897,thanks chaffie thousand apology please fogive me i have sinned,Normal +42898,itschelseastaub goodnight chels and sorry about the major layout delay lt,Normal +42899,coll aka aubrey oh you were joking well now i m crushed i wa totally gon na stand in the middle of a field and wave my arm,Normal +42900,is waitin for th break down service a somethin fallen of my car i ve got my hot water bottle with me feel such a twat,Normal +42901,holyjaw all in the middle if the night i ve committed myself to installing window with boot camp but i m already having issue,Normal +42902,redgray ah man so sad his cousin committed suicide yest and she wa month pregnant can you imagine we been cry non stop,Normal +42903,damn it down,Normal +42904,megan equal murder,Normal +42905,poor sandra cantu my heart go out to her family and friend rest in peace little one,Normal +42906,morning all v groggy this morning,Normal +42907,i feel soooo bad for my doglet she is not understanding why her mouth is so sore poor little thing,Normal +42908,why oh why do i watch video of people dying right before i m going to sleep,Normal +42909,why luke worral doesnt have twitter,Normal +42910,dynoisthename haha you better watch those two they might actually kill each other,Normal +42911,twitter is a lot le interesting since cute people suddenly stopped flirting with me,Normal +42912,my stomach is feeling satisfied now been starving for hour,Normal +42913,is very disappointed,Normal +42914,i nearly spoiled myself for house did just a teeny bit saw a name but then it went away via link i won t be terribly surprised now,Normal +42915,marlonjenglish,Normal +42916,kittcat ya i wa basically screwed just rewrote it i will seriously go with you if you want i dont know anyone else who want to goo,Normal +42917,lron jaii lmaooo mornin baybeeee don t lie a peaceful journey my train is straight boring not even a hooded teef in sight,Normal +42918,i wish i had someone to talk to i m so upset no one like me anyway,Normal +42919,willie day hommmmeeworrkkk boooo hope you fella had a good night,Normal +42920,japh i wish i d known that there were more ticket earlier rang this arvo one left but amy would end up sitting alone sigh too hard,Normal +42921,woke up to find this cold flu illness type thing isn t going without a fight and apparently beat you up in your sleep sorry keynote,Normal +42922,whf t scc killed derek reese brian austin green i actually liked that character,Normal +42923,equinux com just crashed safari tks you,Normal +42924,quot fire of anatolia quot is fired costume are destroyed it s so poor situation,Normal +42925,00am typical british morning cold wet road full of miserable angry driver good time i need a holiday,Normal +42926,really now time for sleep dreaming of my city more tattoo and other great thing waking up to early morning sociology,Normal +42927,just bought sour gummi worm peach gummi o s and cheeto puff and a ounce soda i m such a fat as had a huge dinner too,Normal +42928,tubeyornot b you and me both i thought i found a tweetheart but i guess not so the search continues,Normal +42929,pixie anna scroll back a few hour you missed a whole lotta jon,Normal +42930,cyfyre no finished two year then had twinzzzzzzzzzzz,Normal +42931,missed and the hill now i have to catch up tomor but i have real housewife ugh i need to figure out my priority,Normal +42932,oh and it s officially my birthday happy rd birthday to me look around yet no one is here to wish it to me erik s in bed,Normal +42933,need the motivation to get dressed and go to work i hate training,Normal +42934,didn t make it by here today they are saying we will have snow tomorrow wtf it is tennessee it doesn t even snow here in winter,Normal +42935,i just had two people stop following me,Normal +42936,tried to fix hubby s computer it didn t come with disk and now window key won t work might have to buy it like we can afford that,Normal +42937,v event no way ur at a game right now,Normal +42938,it seems that twitter lost some update yesterday again twitter fail,Normal +42939,my paronychia hurt,Normal +42940,http twitpic com y vn remember these day neither do i siiiiike i miss my old body someday soon u shall be miiiiine,Normal +42941,back work had a bad start of day almost falling down the stair not enjoying work yet,Normal +42942,i lt cigs rip,Normal +42943,i m up so much paperwork to do today n i m kinda getting sick not fun,Normal +42944,just did km on the tready and want to die i m not built for running,Normal +42945,un xnut if only i didn t work an evening night job,Normal +42946,need s help with this anxiety crap,Normal +42947,chaseboogie lol dont ask i wa being nice given a ride shit started bar b cueing on the freeway lmao i been had mine ready,Normal +42948,azraeel got home after 0 in the end back in for a 9am start aswell,Normal +42949,throat is so raw she can not sleep,Normal +42950,t i just asked my friend what piglet wa winnie the pooh seriously guy what is it,Normal +42951,i burnt my tongue on miso soup today,Normal +42952,had the worst dream abt some turd face ex ugh it wa awful,Normal +42953,longing to own a sewing machine my birthday is too far away,Normal +42954,i havent slept a wink severe insomnia arghhhh why,Normal +42955,terryfree lol byeee time to go,Normal +42956,skunkie sorry i guess sarcasm is hard to show in 0 character,Normal +42957,just microwaved a kashi chicken and spinach thing and put in the milk dvd anyone seen it i bet it s good i still havent seen slumdog,Normal +42958,just got up i have to watch my lil bro s mom is at work,Normal +42959,oh god one of the teacher here gave me a rotten gogoma to eat and i m so hungry i m trying to eat around the bad part hahahaha,Normal +42960,still a got headache getting ready for work,Normal +42961,ha to flip his lifestyle around goodbye to sleeping in and hello work at am,Normal +42962,evilunicorn will do lt,Normal +42963,honeyortar the hinge broke it work just doesn t open smoothly and it s pissing me off i dunno i ll see if it can be fixed first,Normal +42964,damn it i hate this stage of the breakup process i miss the boy we had just fallen in love damn it why poop,Normal +42965,rachaelyamagata you were amazing rach thank you for the music i waited outside but you never showed up there s always the next album,Normal +42966,nightwyrm no not yet,Normal +42967,i ate so many cooky that i think i m hallucinating,Normal +42968,i don t wan na go to work i wan na go to bed,Normal +42969,so much for th paper i just woke up from my nap,Normal +42970,rampantheart can do everything except add a twitter field in the comment,Normal +42971,i found my madden 0 in 09 oh well i say old is new again,Normal +42972,is missing his favourite friend,Normal +42973,brandzhd takin a break from the club please dont tell me where u at,Normal +42974,i don t want to talk to advisor they don t advise the judge your arse off,Normal +42975,down to pack of moroccan mint tea and a whole truckloads of kenyan tea,Normal +42976,idolette marissatastic i m so sad about the house episode tonight but bigger amp better thing damn that taub lol,Normal +42977,choclatdrop 0 he s not paying me any attn,Normal +42978,shalinique for saying may change up ur twitter game i like u just the way u r on here,Normal +42979,gen marie i hope we can fix you in california at least,Normal +42980,oishiieats,Normal +42981,i m not there is on hbo in 0 minute got excited then remembered i should get some sleep tonight and why is it not on again soon sad,Normal +42982,too tired to leave bed,Normal +42983,adreamforsteph ok house wa sad,Normal +42984,ooh hungry before anything creep out of the kitchen with leg and or arm attack fridge ah cold chicken how exciting,Normal +42985,junebugg i had to super glue my shoe lol,Normal +42986,owwwwww what a doozy of a headache tablet later and it ha only taken off a slight edge,Normal +42987,only two more day until holiday all my friend are in public school so we can t hang out on thursday then disneyland omg,Normal +42988,find her mom rly annoying i need to detox and do an h o day my skin is shitting,Normal +42989,i m off to bed way to late will likely be a sac a shit at work tomorrow,Normal +42990,ylizabeth because you died and i never see you,Normal +42991,kcarruthers i m only 0 year old in pixie year,Normal +42992,body clock still up the chuffer note never ever stay up late again also afro is back,Normal +42993,stupid thing wont let me get into my old twitter page so i had to make a new one,Normal +42994,i am soooo tired work,Normal +42995,txt chat with jake lmfao it frikkin awesome i miss this effin boy so much awww hoping you would come back here na xxxx,Normal +42996,kristinfinley ur phone and it breaking disease ha spread to my phone it doesnt ring any more just flash agh only one moth till a,Normal +42997,won t be doing the frank morgan race,Normal +42998,chrisdjmoyles i m not excited a i live in wale,Normal +42999,blahhh my throat is sore amp i keep coughing i hate being sick,Normal +43000,i m sitting up unable to sleep,Normal +43001,motivated to sleep but i m feeling quite icky,Normal +43002,oh dear all the pup died by last night perhaps it wa because princess rejected them,Normal +43003,i am going to be 0 in a month ugh,Normal +43004,in the morning and i can t sleep,Normal +43005,scarletjac thanks i know that video is harrowing especially the last minute i must admit i cried,Normal +43006,just wrote a pg paper n 0 min studied n now off bed got ta wake up n hour oh joy nite all,Normal +43007,beginning to enjoy lazy town oh dear,Normal +43008,or should i say my brain need to optimise my neural search pathway to find my muscle again,Normal +43009,i cried when i heard the girl from tracy wa found today it wa soooo sad may god bless sandra cantu,Normal +43010,gmg 00 lol omg don t tempt me i just started p90 hour ago i need to at least be good for a day shoulda asked me yesterday,Normal +43011,had a moment with run fatboy run,Normal +43012,haven t even had time to twitt theese last few day insane,Normal +43013,wyldceltic oh man it wa the most sad ever,Normal +43014,twitter woke me up,Normal +43015,spazmoraz get up lady see you in work boohoo,Normal +43016,something got into my eye now it itchy aw,Normal +43017,mrskutcher i wa just thinking that today how deprssing it all is make u appreciate life more,Normal +43018,keelybin ermmm not really it s hearing the dreaded alarm clock,Normal +43019,cannibaleyes i a bowling and the shit ripped,Normal +43020,eisie mate that s rubbish 0pt hug tom covered in spot and obviously not happy but doc say it s nothing bad tell that to tom,Normal +43021,warlach curse ye have fun at it i miss doing online pr for paramount pic,Normal +43022,ugh just read on cnn that they found the cantu girl s body in a pond near their home how terrible for her family,Normal +43023,can t sleep it s 0 am ugh i m not even sleepy,Normal +43024,how sad i did not know andy hallet died http tinyurl com dhq xv,Normal +43025,or so i thought,Normal +43026,markress understand that we are all busy i can only tweet after work,Normal +43027,samsungimaging better get your auto feature ironed out that blast of advertisement wa nothing le than industrial strength spam,Normal +43028,texasvegetarian oh god ow that must have hurt like a bitch,Normal +43029,up and showered now to get dressed for the late shift lollypop,Normal +43030,gillianme yeah he wa,Normal +43031,really now time for sleep dreaming of my city more tattoo and other great thing waking up to early morning sociology,Normal +43032,dougiemcfly hey saw u guy play pushover didn t get meet u tho cuz of th huge line i wa very upset lol a msg would make up it,Normal +43033,good morning i wish the weather wa a good a in germany today,Normal +43034,i wish we had a dunkin donut in holland today my mom back from japan can t wait to see her,Normal +43035,sooooooo busy right now have a lot of custom order to catch up on haven t blogged since the st there aren t enough hr in a day,Normal +43036,right got a stinking headache but i need to run i m not a happy bunny,Normal +43037,sorry i should say that this vid hit you hard please beware the last minute especially http www youtube com watch v eujsme0torw,Normal +43038,wondering why gamebattles is down http bit ly qzuuy,Normal +43039,too much traffic on the a can t wait till all 0 lane are ready 0 0,Normal +43040,slept for hour had been awake since 0am yesterday and still i wa late for the exam got ta wake up at tomoro onwards,Normal +43041,almost finished with new moon if i didn t have to work tomorrow i would totally finish it tonight geez,Normal +43042,ok wonder why twitpix isn t an option for this new phone i got i can t win i ll leave the photo to my cuz i guess,Normal +43043,they usually make me zzzz but not today,Normal +43044,my macbook just froze luckily i wa able to take a screen shot of my paper and retyped the end of it i submitted my paper min late,Normal +43045,rougeforever i ve just been faffing actually reading which is work but doesn t feel productive,Normal +43046,thecampingforum if the forcasters are to be believed we ll be lucky of it last till this afternoon,Normal +43047,babybazooka i do too but it s hard,Normal +43048,cherylthelibr n thanks for the rebuilders rebuilding tip she s trying to help her mom thru a divorce and herself thru a breakup,Normal +43049,left head phone ha died this morning head phone to keep me company on my journey,Normal +43050,meganh9 same it ha been drizzling all day if u are going to rain might a well pour,Normal +43051,i cant sleep ugghhh,Normal +43052,just got to work and am so ravenous have eaten my gipton steak amp branston sarnies now i ll have to buy something for lunch doh,Normal +43053,new iphone yay not restoring backup no stupid apple,Normal +43054,a few catering gig very cool getting ready for the normal week working on easter,Normal +43055,i cant sleep,Normal +43056,hamporter i always walk by the annex hoping to see you but instead i get the nguyen family,Normal +43057,know exactly how you feel man re http ff im xtn,Normal +43058,im yellinq at ma mummyy lol she is angry at mee,Normal +43059,i really don t want to go back to chicago i liked not hearing about bad politician or oprah i hate oprah only day left in the uk,Normal +43060,candicenicolepr i haven t heard from you in while,Normal +43061,still doing homework,Normal +43062,shannamoakler i m afraid to fly too i straight up refuse to get on a plane it suck because it really limit where you can go,Normal +43063,tony ha changed so much why did he have to change,Normal +43064,feeling a bit better today at least i can walk i have no idea what happened yesterday on my way to school now ugh,Normal +43065,just about to leave for another exciting day at work,Normal +43066,christieeee aww i m so sorry dearyy,Normal +43067,fuck la circulation ce mat,Normal +43068,can t belive it we re home so sleepy hr today in round rock tx http loopt u getn w,Normal +43069,i m at disneyland again ahaha and i m sad the pineapple stand is closed i have dollar,Normal +43070,ok so hour into the self imposed shopping ban and i am already aching for a shoe fix this is going to be harder than i thought,Normal +43071,my whip cream is melting,Normal +43072,i wa woken up by my mom now i cant get to sleep,Normal +43073,lonely bed no husband,Normal +43074,why is it that i have follower none of whom acknowledge me,Normal +43075,stupid m amp m make my stomach hurt,Normal +43076,best monday ever missed gossip girl oh well spent time with bff today wonderful night xoxo,Normal +43077,pilvlp my luck i d probably get stopped by a cop or something stupid,Normal +43078,sitting at home and im very bored keep hearing really weird noise downstairs kinda creepy,Normal +43079,let u know how he s doing ok,Normal +43080,kailuh dis guy wa talking about his brother s cock and thats all i feel like talking about ewww you can figure out the rest,Normal +43081,my birthday today feel so old,Normal +43082,amelia torode have fun shopping but bear in mind the horrible forex truth http bit ly khbn,Normal +43083,ok my tweet peep i must head to bed now got to take a test in law tomorrow is it summer yet anyway much love and hugger,Normal +43084,working on my lab report that s due 9hr tonight,Normal +43085,i am awake now because of twitter i wa just dozing off,Normal +43086,jillglavan soooo disappointed your t i party is when i leave for vega i wa so jacked up when you first talked about it now nothing,Normal +43087,runawaystarling unfort msn is a douche and a half to me,Normal +43088,i have to butting poop again,Normal +43089,oinker aida i agree,Normal +43090,all these crazy pollen tree in washington state are making my sinus go crazy,Normal +43091,stupid year project feel like you ve conquered something then you realised it s only year down,Normal +43092,jdpeterson hope you feel better why cali,Normal +43093,i need to go out but i am so lazy,Normal +43094,laurenlenewx awww i m sorry,Normal +43095,woo for three page down and seven to go why in heck do i procrastinate goal for grad school do not wait,Normal +43096,morning all so tired today should ve stayed in bed,Normal +43097,off to town forgot to charge my phone so don t think it will last all day,Normal +43098,why must i be awake at this untimely hour,Normal +43099,i dont want to go to school tomorrow for an exam after having one and a half week off,Normal +43100,kal penn the thing that suck the most is that you were the one i wa most excited for even before i knew who the final team would be,Normal +43101,i can t sleep it s too windy and scary out,Normal +43102,darylsws kid are on holiday,Normal +43103,summer camp or summer school both are boarding lol,Normal +43104,after am and i m still sniffling and sneezing can t sleep morning is going to come way too early,Normal +43105,these guy who is bill gate s associate make me feel like i know nothing i don t even know my name now,Normal +43106,oh no azppa just sent email for state convention may amp there wa papyrus all over it sad b c i wanted to attend,Normal +43107,pelf but work is demanding for so much more,Normal +43108,watching greek cant believe it the last day ill see you guy june 0 ahh,Normal +43109,is back at the cabbins ew,Normal +43110,terrified by the news from italy http tinyurl com dhdpne,Normal +43111,lili marlene ohh that sux,Normal +43112,brainiacmathew i know and im on spring break,Normal +43113,is extremely hungry,Normal +43114,it s going to be a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnngggggggg night at work,Normal +43115,jennchambless me neither and nobody is awake nobody i m drunk and alone,Normal +43116,dark butterfly not just you i thought he looked paler too probably from drama filming jun look healthier than ever though,Normal +43117,sad to hear about the discovery of the little girl from tracy her poor family,Normal +43118,just what am i supposed to think,Normal +43119,why do i keep working for place that don t do the cycle work scheme disc at halfauds is good enough,Normal +43120,in office doing irritating work for the worst client i ve ever had you cant choose your project if ur an employee,Normal +43121,at wye river it s really cold this internet is really expensive,Normal +43122,jammed my finger and it hurt really badly,Normal +43123,damn my pc ha completely given out this suck,Normal +43124,i just let my everquest subscription lapse just don t play it anymore don t have the time,Normal +43125,had a flu shot at work now my arm hurt,Normal +43126,heidimontag i love the hill but i missed the show tonight,Normal +43127,jesmayhemwa still trying to sell the prelude,Normal +43128,katsun at this point i m trying to remain optimistic that it won t be a delayed a live but it s getting harder each day,Normal +43129,twitter is down,Normal +43130,kal penn omg i am so mad you were my favorite character i ll miss you,Normal +43131,wish david cook wa coming to phoenix trying to figure out a way to get to san diego on june th to see him i m obsessed,Normal +43132,ill make fresh start i promise xtra sad puppy face,Normal +43133,a beautiful morning the sun is shining the bird are singing i ve just been playing mousetrap with the kid damn now work,Normal +43134,aholmes nj i wa able to downthemall before ta wa able to delete my account didn t lose any photo but i lost almost all comment,Normal +43135,thisisguan,Normal +43136,tuesday is a raining day again,Normal +43137,ha a huge headache but got ta go to work,Normal +43138,actinglikeamama oh you have a recipe for gyro i developed an addiction in germany and haven t been able to find any i like in au,Normal +43139,still feel feckin arseholed a sign of old age me think,Normal +43140,sukottoxd i saw ice in the rain today not quite snow but frozen water nonetheless,Normal +43141,charp i wa being all nerdy amp thinking they could help me with my metropolitan area network,Normal +43142,tired but cant sleep,Normal +43143,jbeauty lol goodnight,Normal +43144,i m laying in bed facing the wall and trying to relax but i m hearing so many thing plus the air conditioning sound is so louad,Normal +43145,someone need to give this baby a home i would but it s a bit too soon http tinyurl com dzbppd,Normal +43146,in bed finally long day tomorrow,Normal +43147,cant sleep ugh if this is going to be a trend i ll need to find something to do with my wakeful night hour read learn a language,Normal +43148,airlie is sick and now mason is sick too he is going to miss his school disco,Normal +43149,our trip ha been canceled see the latest blog post for info http kiwinova blogspot com,Normal +43150,just saw little and huge stingray in foot deep water off catseye beach at low tide no turtle yet,Normal +43151,have to update my picture co i look old and fat oh i am old and fat playing badminton is not working on weight,Normal +43152,just saw some snow flake,Normal +43153,lol honeybaby i sound like a ny quil commercial that word only look right with a green background i want to sleep but i can t,Normal +43154,feeling soree bad idea to go running when your sick,Normal +43155,t t need more sleep but my body wont let me so i will draw instead lt,Normal +43156,0secondstomars thank s for your prayer these day are very difficults,Normal +43157,vanidosa what s wrong why do you need an inhaler i didn t even know you were sick hope you start feeling better,Normal +43158,eri goodmorning hahaha let me guess cb hahaha me not,Normal +43159,doesn t know why but is feeling very down and a trip to the gym didn t help,Normal +43160,computer internet is hating me tonight i swear and i can t find my usb cord for my sidekick,Normal +43161,taking angus for a check up today i always quietly dread it but this time he s poorly so i know the lung function test will be crap,Normal +43162,grahamcracker if only you were working in the melbourne victoria police department or the melbourne city cab,Normal +43163,doing homework,Normal +43164,ha realized that twitter is getting more attention from her mama then she is hahaha lame,Normal +43165,m0nkfish eww hershys kiss are ok but not amazing,Normal +43166,whoa im super hungry life cereal w granola amp raspberry is calling my name,Normal +43167,want to go to easterfest,Normal +43168,really let down by gossip girl it s all i have to make my monday good and all they give are rerun,Normal +43169,am trying to fit all my stuff in a tiny bag so i can take it on a hand luggage dont think it gon na work,Normal +43170,sunky being a grown up is horrid isn t it,Normal +43171,seaf 009 i am strongly considering improvising i missed last year i wa so sick,Normal +43172,innocentdrinks coke 0 minority stake really not april fool can you give it back so depressing you were a favourite brand sad,Normal +43173,ha just said goodbye to her hubby who is off globe trotting away,Normal +43174,chauv i ha so many thing to do,Normal +43175,bkgirlfriday dude it snowed here today cant imagine the weather in hawaii right now,Normal +43176,updating my myspace profile i need more follower coz it a bit sad only to have one,Normal +43177,when you read my update blogspot bulletin on myspace etc you could just figure it out on your own i don t care,Normal +43178,thelmarockz thelma i can t see shiz i see blank and me and u comment,Normal +43179,back at work have to go to zeist in a minute but want to stay here to do some work,Normal +43180,i thought you could buy silent hill for the psp on the p store i can t find it anywhere,Normal +43181,doing my tax not in the best mood because of this,Normal +43182,i am not a fan of sleeping alone baby boo,Normal +43183,i never thought that i could hate sombody but i really hate you tobe d i only gave you all of my love and you pay me so bad,Normal +43184,tommcfly hey saw u guy play pushover didn t get meet u tho cuz of th huge line i wa very upset lol a msg would make up it,Normal +43185,going to sleep now johnny just died on the oc,Normal +43186,again with the fucked sleep ive decided to go do homework instead,Normal +43187,oscartg morning no sun here unfortunately,Normal +43188,i need a holiday only one day off this year,Normal +43189,stephenkruiser sorry to hear about your dog,Normal +43190,trash kitten solution will be found,Normal +43191,got to do spanish revision today,Normal +43192,ha a cold from playing outside yesterday,Normal +43193,why doe stik o have to be chocolate,Normal +43194,i need sims gaah,Normal +43195,is listening to an awesome song but i dnt no the name but i wan na upload it on limewire,Normal +43196,linda james im not a morning person never have been prefer the night,Normal +43197,smaffulli correction they don t tell you but a cert is there how you can use it is a different matter and without win yet another,Normal +43198,ktml i think it itunes fault i cant download it on my mac now quot store busy quot if you got it anything awesome in the camerakit update,Normal +43199,katerih how wa the tj dinner tonight my freezer melted down,Normal +43200,martiy ouchies have a good day and goodnight supertim,Normal +43201,geoffmartinez youre going to be in mexico on easter why,Normal +43202,early twitter buzz star trek ha secret premiere in austin http is gd r9vr holy crap wish i wa there,Normal +43203,i think i m getting sick,Normal +43204,happy birthday jaime loveyou lt officially screwed right now midterm quiz project and 00 page book shoot me please,Normal +43205,revising my essay and talking to my hubby on aim,Normal +43206,lizdinkel lol i figured a much but you never know we don t talk anymore maybe you became easily offended,Normal +43207,traffic not a bad a normal so super early for meeting,Normal +43208,yo that wa hella weird my twitter got deleted,Normal +43209,they don t get hyphy on the east coast even to e 0,Normal +43210,perfectly ripe and fresh banana go in the bag arrive at office it look like it ha been hit by a freight train poor banana,Normal +43211,home mc bored missing him who him sigh im bored tadi exam amp wa okay thursday lagi exam gaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh,Normal +43212,rufus rufus rufus bloody brillaint shame my mum is such a miserable crab or i could liten to him while i work,Normal +43213,me and maddeh are so in sync that both of our stummics hurt right now,Normal +43214,studying commerce how am i suppose to remember so much,Normal +43215,it s just fever,Normal +43216,cuz like troybolton is the hottiemcsuperbob omfgz my nail bud cry,Normal +43217,arghh my hand are itchy could it be that on top of my alergy to beef i also can not eat chicken no more,Normal +43218,i cant sleep missing the person i love most for the past yr of my life if only,Normal +43219,time to get me as in gear and start the day,Normal +43220,should really go to sleep so i can get up early tomorrow well today now,Normal +43221,fairly certain i have the flu,Normal +43222,i m going to put myself out of this misery and go to freakin bed ugh,Normal +43223,is again in the math lab,Normal +43224,i don t wan na leave co am is coming too soon,Normal +43225,brightillusions only one to fill that position they ve just tightened our border or something which suck i want you to move here,Normal +43226,where the magic happens every month lol sophia did a terrific job a usual what am i gon na have for dinner http twitpic com y bz,Normal +43227,jmielcarz send some of that warmness my way it s cold,Normal +43228,power to levitate still negative,Normal +43229,trying really hard not to get sick from all of the stuff i just took to get rid of my cough,Normal +43230,back from the casino a big fat loser,Normal +43231,even a four day week seems too long i want to stay in bed,Normal +43232,theajp glad you enjoyed it mate any more gig lined up in the near future none on the horizon for me at the mo,Normal +43233,isnt feelin 00 day,Normal +43234,going to watch julian play bball i want phoebe,Normal +43235,duncanmacrae hmmm well good luck with that,Normal +43236,just got a denied letter from bazaar bizarre sad i wa looking forward to a road trip to be a vendor there,Normal +43237,now even more annoyed with bone i would have preferred the gratuitous grossness poor angela,Normal +43238,onlinemigration me too although im still going hehe,Normal +43239,i am layin in bed am co my tummy is beatboxn so bd so i hd wake up can t eat unburnable calorie nt gd for my quot ab quot i am hungry,Normal +43240,bed work in am,Normal +43241,no rain please,Normal +43242,gabysslave thanks you too i have an essay to write,Normal +43243,fuck len wein s house caught fire earlier today the family is safe but they lost their dog,Normal +43244,think factorial design are going to be the death of my test quot a quot who come up with this confusing quot mathy quot stuff ugh,Normal +43245,schnicklefritz omg i have the same problem i lent it to someone and they never gave it back,Normal +43246,friendlypharm too bad it s true for the most part,Normal +43247,thecamacho danm i wanted to hear that studying suck,Normal +43248,yay hannah montana on disney channel fun not,Normal +43249,all the photo i try to upload are too big,Normal +43250,somewhere in the world right now the sun is shining and people are busy but not here,Normal +43251,labrys the chat broked,Normal +43252,ruthclayton oh i aint gon na be ur bitch but i will be his muwahaha,Normal +43253,caught myself looking up the iphone promised i wouldn t torcher myself a i still have month left on my current contract,Normal +43254,goodnight everyone well i m not feeling much better and i m going to the doctor tomorrow,Normal +43255,cardinaire ya me too,Normal +43256,blimmin heck i m slightly tired and i still didn t see no otalia,Normal +43257,im going bed nowww surprising not rly i have school morow thats right my spring break day r over,Normal +43258,want her camera back,Normal +43259,first unc dominated second the hill is back hallelujah third econ paper gaussian copula is def not that deal,Normal +43260,is physically tired but can t sleep,Normal +43261,tks pa quot tapauing quot croissant tuna knowing dat ive back to back meeting since morning amp zuraidah tks buying my fav starbuck mocha frap,Normal +43262,russyrhubarb a new twitter name without telling me boo by the way i think oberon is dead haven t seen him for age,Normal +43263,jeffsmithcars why would you want to send traffic to that page at the bottom you say you re not done,Normal +43264,arielehenriques why do i feel like your preaching to me lol damn i m guilty,Normal +43265,looking at it i seem to be getting a completely different config finding shared hosting hard not having control,Normal +43266,tv w charley she is too cute and too sweet trying to get over the blue cheer me up tweeter,Normal +43267,djteck mean,Normal +43268,while i do enjoy my job very much it always nicest outside when i m indoors,Normal +43269,morning everyone still feeling poorly hope u all have a good day x,Normal +43270,contemplated going out for a post midnight walk but still have pile of work to get through,Normal +43271,oh em gee this is love http tinyurl com djjc want want want lusting after thing i can not afford,Normal +43272,everything is still broken,Normal +43273,mir every single morning i feel sick,Normal +43274,i had hour of sleep and now i cant go back to sleeping im thirsty,Normal +43275,indiblogger do i neei dotn get any comment and suggestion,Normal +43276,my peace quiet amp stress freeness is bout to come to an end,Normal +43277,found my sana and ha realized that just like a white girl i eat my problem,Normal +43278,in work sooo bored,Normal +43279,misselizabeth food allergy suck i became allergic to shellfish about month ago out of the blue and i used to love shrimp,Normal +43280,d trix my mom just had a root canal also i feel your pain buddy,Normal +43281,not even 0am and there s far too much noise in the office should have worked from home today,Normal +43282,louislucci i usually only sleep hour a night or so going to bed now have to get up at am,Normal +43283,tommcfly good morning tom why can t i send you a message this is too short for the question i have well to bad for me i guess,Normal +43284,guess what my dad is pregnant lol nah the doctor doe have to give him an epidural for his chronic back pain though,Normal +43285,josordoni yeah it wa good news a y combinator interview next week dunno bout the oyster will just suck it up i guess,Normal +43286,sir almo it wont let me play doh keep saying user not valid,Normal +43287,enibeni i would if i knew them ed si que se duerme temprano s,Normal +43288,valonthecoast lol awwww i m sorry you re stuck n bored yes hun i thought you be trying to keep yourself entertained can t be easy,Normal +43289,jamzeee i knowwwwww i sukkkk take care of my gurls,Normal +43290,kal penn arrrggghhh and i hadn t seen last night s episode yet pity to lose you though,Normal +43291,early morning meeting,Normal +43292,infidelsarecool ugh how depressing i want to punch something,Normal +43293,i still don t understand how to setup subversion for a website,Normal +43294,imperiusrex brahbrah ugh bed in a hour,Normal +43295,joshsharp no money yet i dont know anyone who ha maybe it all just a lie he having u on so we all like him a little bit more lol,Normal +43296,sat at work not fair so not fair,Normal +43297,whoh what a day now for the shut part hydraulics assignment time,Normal +43298,oh wtf house not cool,Normal +43299,brain hurty squishy mess,Normal +43300,vomitto ahh ai dreptate pixar,Normal +43301,woke up too early,Normal +43302,watching tv trying to sleep not working,Normal +43303,lisalent a part of freeview we don t get the sport channel,Normal +43304,no way i m gon na sleep tonight,Normal +43305,no travoradio this morning blipfm is down,Normal +43306,dtizzler and it took me my entire walk to the train station to undo it,Normal +43307,amyg0 thats really sad i wolud hate that but i had choco milk earlier d lol,Normal +43308,i have had an allergic reaction to my contact stuck with my spec until it clear up mean and end to my breast feeding tho,Normal +43309,wow my x 0 is dead,Normal +43310,just finished cooking spag bol from scratch in other word been cooking for the past hour i m not hungry anymore,Normal +43311,trying to write dssertation,Normal +43312,ilovedt that s what i thought bummer,Normal +43313,this response from support is blatantly untrue fake account are shut down all the time and it contradicts their own term too,Normal +43314,oh noooooo kath is back from annual leave du du duuuuuuuu,Normal +43315,kal penn thank you for being a great character on house i m sad to see you go,Normal +43316,babyporridge i didn t get your twitter is crap reply,Normal +43317,dad wa admitted to hospital yesterday so want to fly to cape town to visit r 900 for monday return ticket on kulula,Normal +43318,haven t tweeted in age my twitterberry doesn t work anymore help,Normal +43319,i don t like these late start night shift coupled with it being bloody light outside my window when i m meant to be going to sleep,Normal +43320,longing for yesterday,Normal +43321,i want a guy like carmello or jimmy,Normal +43322,laertesgirl sorry to hear that anything specific x,Normal +43323,ha ha ha damn i had such good time chillin wit my favorite hizzo danced my face off the lodge never made it to backbooth,Normal +43324,work today,Normal +43325,evilunicorn im not on aim rn,Normal +43326,i accidentally put sugar in my food instead of salt so now i m eating sweet fried rice my clumsiness astounds me sometimes,Normal +43327,why don t the hot guy from my gym get on my train in the morning it s always full of dullard,Normal +43328,another sale pitch today for a potential surface customer i do more sale than development these day,Normal +43329,downloading the torrent of last night s sytycda where my love bj wa tragically but predictably eliminated,Normal +43330,waiting for an update about my car it s in the shop again,Normal +43331,bored from doing homework what is pingping doing,Normal +43332,the worst part about laundry is the longer that you wait to do it the more unpleasant it becomes,Normal +43333,zappoman oh your tweet wa about weapon that s covered by pandora s box can t uninvent it leaving u all with mad,Normal +43334,fuck i can t sleep,Normal +43335,reznik 0 bonbonfire another fun confab no matter what come of it i wish i hadn t worked until 9 i m gon na miss next week though,Normal +43336,is sooo proud with her bro huhu he s so talentfull i wish i could do best like him,Normal +43337,i m missing my best friend i miss our fun time together i love you guy and i miss you so much,Normal +43338,done with homework sneezing but feeling better day,Normal +43339,passed out last night while mum wa puttin cream on my tattoo,Normal +43340,princedavey aww no invite lol jk coolness for the day off,Normal +43341,bobbyly nah gentleman i got class at am on wednesday but thanks anyway lt,Normal +43342,phillyd awe it always suck when you cant sleep in your own bed hope your dad get better he is in my prayer,Normal +43343,note to you all don t go to the choclate bar schiphol it is passenger only,Normal +43344,didnt hear from my hunn today,Normal +43345,getvisible journalist are up there with ambulance chasing lawyer in my reckoning,Normal +43346,good morning world couldn t sleep tonight copenhagen doesn t want to leave my head,Normal +43347,flo rider ha sampled that blue song he messed that song up for me,Normal +43348,devakishor oh oh that s sad,Normal +43349,i had a extravagant yet time conserving plan lined up for today which ive now forgotten,Normal +43350,iwouldificould how have you watched it i tried the youtube link but it won t work,Normal +43351,missing my boyfriend who im on the phone with but it just not the same tweet,Normal +43352,wont get any rudd money for those in doubt http calculator ato gov au script axos axos asp context amp kb esb xr amp go ok,Normal +43353,rebeccamayne that doe sound boring a hell becs,Normal +43354,is sad because there wa another earthquake in italy,Normal +43355,wilshipley i am sad the dutch localization in dl is bad it s incomplete and ha too many truncation,Normal +43356,codylfriend you re not sweet,Normal +43357,disobedientgirl wonderful i ll be slogging at 9 you get up at 9 eh,Normal +43358,mrbigglesrox hey emily you lie meanie,Normal +43359,pauliwhirl omg whine whine whine whine housing lotery is over stfu i had to explain to qidong that he wa fucked,Normal +43360,i stayed up too late didn t get the design done like i wanted to,Normal +43361,allergy playin up like mad today,Normal +43362,planting a friend today not been to a funeral in gt 0 year,Normal +43363,no music today blip fm is undergoing maintenance,Normal +43364,anyshalyke oh you went clubbing without me lol next time we can do it together,Normal +43365,just realized im talking to no one,Normal +43366,jacvanek what a sad thought if it isnt lt cc,Normal +43367,doesn t want to go to school tomorrow it s the last day but it s also twyla s day off,Normal +43368,bavster twit u can t sip crap vodka nope not done c k got ominous knee pain not good,Normal +43369,off to the doctor s today emily ha a rash which look like the measles,Normal +43370,shantelleb so ha mine,Normal +43371,aiiane what s wrong with being an attention whore,Normal +43372,on the coach gon na be fun,Normal +43373,miss rach already,Normal +43374,deiondrasanders i m always up late i wish i wa a morning person but i m not,Normal +43375,ahhhhhhh everyones doing laundry except me,Normal +43376,boxee now ha pandora useless to me here in oz boo hoo,Normal +43377,i hurt my leg,Normal +43378,timvansas no not yet but also need to finish the rest of it,Normal +43379,seanporter thank uuu i know i heard youre in dallas,Normal +43380,downy weather where s the summer,Normal +43381,karsentheslater i m getting pissy lately i know i make mormon joke at you i m sorry i hear mormon joke now and i feel bad,Normal +43382,also i realize that sounded a tad drama queen but i haven t been sick in year it s hittin me hard this time,Normal +43383,okay i m sorry that wa mean i m not nice,Normal +43384,craaaaap my macbook pro is kernel panicking a lot now i think i m going to be forced into an upgrade sooner than this summer,Normal +43385,pose ta b goin ta az dis week i hope lol,Normal +43386,well that made me sad i sat down to watch tv and then remembered i dont have cable anymore lol,Normal +43387,an thank you i have to now do it all again today,Normal +43388,had a lovely day at the beach followed by dinner with a gorgeous lady roll on the work today booo,Normal +43389,tyjanetrev i agreee clearly they only want attention sorry i couldn t catch the train mateee,Normal +43390,i got smoke in my eye now they burn,Normal +43391,love what drupal file framework module could do but is sick of bitcache error making it impossible to upload file,Normal +43392,i feel lonely today,Normal +43393,hebb i wish i could go to bed,Normal +43394,haha my house is creepy at night it creak and stuff scary lol i m gon na go to bed,Normal +43395,can t upload my pic,Normal +43396,ah i hate flu now it third day guess what happened accidently i shaved my eye brow off i need glass,Normal +43397,zackdft but i like reading the bullshit,Normal +43398,im so confused this suck,Normal +43399,ha to study math econ but isnt in the mood,Normal +43400,misscassandra still on my quot lion amp tiger amp bear quot shyt but god is good consequently i will be too,Normal +43401,why do other people get reply,Normal +43402,damn stiff neck day,Normal +43403,djginaturner no le gusta house of house min intro,Normal +43404,missing the fab five,Normal +43405,marcellariley it wa a repeat tonight for gossip girl,Normal +43406,is losing her hubby for a week tomorrow for work easter and all,Normal +43407,hoptonhousebnb i m thinking of getting my old fm tuner from the garage a i m having problem when my pc just stop playing audio,Normal +43408,i want my money from kevo to hurry up,Normal +43409,anybody willing to help me i ve been trying to make a sad tune on the piano for a new song but it always end up happy and bright,Normal +43410,bursaar good for me i haven t gone to bed,Normal +43411,baking oatmeal chocolate chip cooky to make me tired i can t sleep,Normal +43412,and so the editing of 000 wedding shot begin,Normal +43413,my facebook is fucked,Normal +43414,kellyshibari i thought i saw you there you were walking out the door when i saw you,Normal +43415,derek 9 shwe 0 sweet that wa fun except it stretched my browser and i wa watching twit,Normal +43416,ad not yet appeared google adsense team said it may delay hr on http womenissues info,Normal +43417,tired i need a regular 9,Normal +43418,my dog is in my room snoring,Normal +43419,going to sleep hoping to wake up and tommorow will be wednesday instead of tuesday i really don t want to go to work,Normal +43420,wtfanabel nite i still cant go to sleep,Normal +43421,im such an insomniac this week,Normal +43422,alissa rule basically i feel like i need to take better care of myself after seeing that fool no more juicin for me,Normal +43423,still spitting out stitch from that bone graft,Normal +43424,hooray for the ever so reliable signalflare server,Normal +43425,well that wa a fun night work now to start the working day,Normal +43426,sleepin skankityspence halo tonight before you leave,Normal +43427,schofe not off the side of the bridge i hope,Normal +43428,watchin i m not there and missing heath ledger,Normal +43429,indigored hot sorry your day wa a waste hope you found some good bit in it and yay you are homeward bound,Normal +43430,awillert im so jealous i want salsa but the cooky were amazing,Normal +43431,blip is quot under maintenance quot amp i m goin through withdrawel,Normal +43432,madninjacurl hey neighbor neither can i,Normal +43433,msjodiodie it such a sad situation though in of u will be beaten in u every second amp killed a day it s sadly commonplace,Normal +43434,and so the editing of 000 wedding shot begin,Normal +43435,journalist throw shoe at chidambaram http ibnlive in com news journalist throw shoe at chidambaram 9 html,Normal +43436,starting to resent always being struck by creativity after midnight then having to get up for work in the morning,Normal +43437,what s the best way to eat reheated pizza i keep trying to eat this one but it s too hot and make my mouth be in pain,Normal +43438,nothing wa sick all day it sucked im just up late cant sleep,Normal +43439,even with the best intention i m late for work again,Normal +43440,linda james thank you i spent age on thursday tidying up then along came everyone and it looked like a right tip again,Normal +43441,hero is losing it s momentum come on writer pick it up,Normal +43442,it s so boring,Normal +43443,is back at work although i wish i wa back in bed,Normal +43444,it sprained so glad im on holiday,Normal +43445,stupid bus wa early i missed it stupid thing then i missed the bus after that finally got a bus then missed my second gutz,Normal +43446,mrnokill mrnokill problem is they aren t appealing to a wide enough audience even though they think they may be,Normal +43447,aiyerchitra yikes now i have no clue what to do,Normal +43448,i am engaged to muppet orlando and i just realised oh my god i cant marry justin timberlake,Normal +43449,gosh it t 9 9 am and i am soooo tired quot yawn quot i want to go back to sleep but i can t,Normal +43450,on the train sans guardian,Normal +43451,made it into dc on saturday afternoon after hour in air and am now in south fl jetlag suck haven t had a full sleep since thurs,Normal +43452,i m at work and i m sick and it helluva lot todo this blow,Normal +43453,i am so screwed up a confused and dumb child i never felt so bad all my life i wish i have any specialty too bad i have none,Normal +43454,went to the doctor s today and my blood sugar level wa,Normal +43455,gosh it make me sad when people don t give god a chance,Normal +43456,kaylee 0 yawn i m pretty good thanks awww i m sorry to hear that feel better soon lt,Normal +43457,shelikescute that s so sad,Normal +43458,it s 0am i ve been awake for nearly hour,Normal +43459,can t sleep i don t like sonny being gone,Normal +43460,not drunk at all kirstiekalamity,Normal +43461,finally updated oohh i sooo miss the internet sorry to say that woop x may not open apr 0 so how s it goin,Normal +43462,i miss sebby peek,Normal +43463,dadi iyal and you ll get familiar with twitter pretty soon i m not coming back this summer so that mean i dont even see you then,Normal +43464,love to get drunk just not by himself,Normal +43465,i have a hole in my favourite top i bought it in the sale before christmas so i can t even get an exchange might try fixing it later,Normal +43466,feeling very poorly and sorry for myself can t swallow ow stupid gland,Normal +43467,streetwearbear yes i am thanks for reaveling to the world bro fuck my life hahaha,Normal +43468,cherrytreerec i can t see anything stupid youtube and their location restriction who s in the speedo,Normal +43469,she now want an mmmf except i have to only play a supporting role would mind but the other two guy have huge cock what am i to do,Normal +43470,banned from sims forum for the rest of the week aww it feel weird i wa only sticking up for chanel,Normal +43471,willadam i treated myself to that latte after the appointment which wa horrible i need to have my wisdom teeth surgically removed,Normal +43472,celestechong oh but mine is ceramic so it more ex abit le visible inside one are very ex double the price n double the duration,Normal +43473,dear crimestoppers thankyou for your regular service of our burglar alarm i m most grateful for the new 00db ear deafening entry tone,Normal +43474,all the fightin and name callin i can still run my sister nite,Normal +43475,sick today and i have a lot to do at work,Normal +43476,trying to find a tech job can t find any entry level job any were also just about every job site ha more spam now then job,Normal +43477,am insomnia is a bitch,Normal +43478,just threw up all over the bathroom not fun,Normal +43479,off to work,Normal +43480,really hungry and sad that i had to throw my breakfast in the bin,Normal +43481,oh darn it s mandy creed isnt it jordar mikerra,Normal +43482,i dont understand i didnt mean to break anyones heart,Normal +43483,obama is visiting istanbul today therefore all main road have been closed cause and effect,Normal +43484,a lovely day blazing sunshine too bad i have to work,Normal +43485,omg my girl just woke me up reason doesnt matter amp now i cant fall back to sleep got ta b up at so maybe i ll just stay up sigh,Normal +43486,viennateng why didn t you tweet that you are in germany heard about the concert in marburg in the radio hour before it started,Normal +43487,late night is all re run http ff im y0 l,Normal +43488,just getting home it snowing,Normal +43489,roxy yeah yep a loser,Normal +43490,and finito all bathroom contractor been thru the house quote incoming then i need to bite the bullet,Normal +43491,caitlinaudrey awww that suck are you going to the sydney one,Normal +43492,sorry sf rescheduling my sf trip for this coming weekend to mid may bad circumstance,Normal +43493,morw i get my blasted wisdom teeth pulled need sleep cnt stop worryng i hate needle,Normal +43494,morning twitterati large coffee and a bath on top of today list first appt 0am then load of desk work,Normal +43495,hitting the gym afterwards looking forward to rewiring my studio yet again,Normal +43496,doesnt want to go to work lol,Normal +43497,sherrigarrity sorry i missed responding yesterday rochester is in mn so we are not to far from each other dark chocolate rock,Normal +43498,i wan na come with them to bohol,Normal +43499,i have a cold buee,Normal +43500,ate a piece of angel food cake and another laffy taffy,Normal +43501,driving back to la quinta tomorrow i should sleep but i m oddly wired,Normal +43502,aaaaaaaaaah still cold outside at least it s sunny for now that is,Normal +43503,is running on low battery http plurk com p n0blb,Normal +43504,at shell gas station lunch break tired,Normal +43505,ready for sleep but having trouble sleeping,Normal +43506,just burnt my finger on a hot cup of tea ouch,Normal +43507,hhh it s time like that when you want thing to stay right then someone come and wreck it,Normal +43508,mileycyrus i have the same problem but it s here let s see if counting work no z s for me,Normal +43509,there is no way i can go to school today im way to sick,Normal +43510,wikipedia ha gone forever see what the goverment do it there fualt let hope donation or something bring it back,Normal +43511,can t seem to get over the dissapointment of haveing absolutly no one notice i am gone sad i must not be boring i must not be boring,Normal +43512,http twitpic com y s9 he only reminds me of him because he doesn t wash his hair that s all gross i know,Normal +43513,is feeling like dancing in the rain like a pixie but the rain stopped ohh well lol i ll watch flight of the conchords instead,Normal +43514,just got back from the funeral of a government employee friend http plurk com p n0bvd,Normal +43515,deepbluesealove your beau s not online tonight bummer for u and no music either,Normal +43516,started getting mailshots aimed at pensioner it s all downhill now,Normal +43517,wishing i could sneak in to watch the star trek premiere,Normal +43518,owww just hit my elbow really hard on a door,Normal +43519,cant wait c carter when bak skewl hate gettin sick it suks blech,Normal +43520,best flight need get as in gear wana go away bt nt sure where cairo amp uk maybe bt may b able go earlier bt wont no til,Normal +43521,wow epicfail on me i did a search for epicfail and didn t see many entry but apparently it s widely used i m depressed now,Normal +43522,i don t want to be cold in april but i am,Normal +43523,no my goat wool sock have worn through,Normal +43524,so tired but can t sleep,Normal +43525,dropped car off to get exhaust replaced that s 0 i could do without spending,Normal +43526,school work boring working on a business law paper right now can t wait till i m done hopefully tomorrow grrrr,Normal +43527,too many assignment,Normal +43528,olabini still here though the site is gone,Normal +43529,got to pause twilight now a nearly at work,Normal +43530,hollaglam my fav english teacher she just had miscarriage amp u knw wht make me sad even more she wa going to name her baby tamara,Normal +43531,anxiously awaiting june th it can not come soon enough my graduation ceremony am not looking forward to the 0th end of my break,Normal +43532,what is common between chidambaram and george bush,Normal +43533,morning everyone stuck in registration for a while then assembley nayyy,Normal +43534,cezzadwen i think that it s pretty standard wherever you go can t find it anywhere in canberra yet,Normal +43535,home with the flu ahhh suxz well and tired will go to sleep in about an hour or so goodnites,Normal +43536,the first serial about my city so stupid,Normal +43537,sianllewellyn ive txt you this morning,Normal +43538,lfta got me what again i m sorry i can t understand ur last tweet,Normal +43539,what is common between chidambaram and george bush http news oneindia in 009 0 0 sikh journalist hurl shoe at p chidambaram html,Normal +43540,i feel like i should change my picture but i don t think i could part with my bff audrey hepburn,Normal +43541,nooooo i wa doing so good im not allowed to cry ughhh staying up late make me think about stuff,Normal +43542,my forehead is starting to feel like someone ha cut a slice out of it oh that s right someone cut a slice out of my forehead today,Normal +43543,annemarike oh no owies when will that happen,Normal +43544,thinking of pay day another week to go lol,Normal +43545,allstarninja my choice are limited since they blocked my hulu,Normal +43546,waiting for my flight slumming it in the departure lounge,Normal +43547,area nightclub making out of the bewilldered uni student who have arrived home while the poor folk like me have to struggle on,Normal +43548,it is just me uninstalled rail and tried with a fresh app still no dice obviously something bizarre in my setup,Normal +43549,jcturner yeah not good even going back to didn t resolve it,Normal +43550,tasouls what stupid show were you watching lol not that there is any shortage,Normal +43551,still waiting and missing my baby boy,Normal +43552,omg house what did i ever do to you,Normal +43553,adriii omgosh they re like biscuit so so so yum xd you haven t lived until you ve eaten them missy p amp i miss you too x,Normal +43554,tooo early im running late,Normal +43555,i don t feel so hot,Normal +43556,leaving koh tao start of journey back to bangkok http twitpic com y uv,Normal +43557,cuckold i m being set up again except now i ll have to watch her with huge membered guy i feel like a hat stand,Normal +43558,fionamccarthy i am sure it will i have got load to do today,Normal +43559,p just broke my fucking phone,Normal +43560,not many people from my home town using irl connect,Normal +43561,xjerx she s at the ritz lol but been there before and it s ok for a gig not got any more planned what about you,Normal +43562,is at work xx,Normal +43563,katyrullman this is why you need to not be over in the old world i miss hanging out and being awkward with you,Normal +43564,aplusk it amazes me men like you actually exist i hope i find someone someday who will love and value me,Normal +43565,is going to school to do dt,Normal +43566,juzley yaaaay maybe i should ve gone,Normal +43567,mileycyrus i guess counting sheep didn t work hope you get some sleep,Normal +43568,really need to clean the sensor in my slr a it is i will be doing spot removal from several hundred picture,Normal +43569,woken up by someone hammering gt lt they have stopped now and i can t get back to sleep,Normal +43570,ha a hangover,Normal +43571,is stuck in traffic,Normal +43572,elliee haha yeah i thought it would be much more complicated and well ive just got home from school we ve not got holiday x,Normal +43573,i think i have tonsillitis,Normal +43574,mileycyrus i would too if it meant spending a day in heaven w my mom and getting to see her again,Normal +43575,foxwhisperer clean but it resulted in the soft top beaing soaked wet so i couldn t open it should be dry now,Normal +43576,mhbigcatch oz golem but finally got a wight oz,Normal +43577,nick carter time for warcraft yes but for a simple game of a group of fan no just let u know if u figure it out you want the prize,Normal +43578,yopatrizzle not sure to tell u the truth it s been so long since i ve seen him but ask sumo s daddy paulskratch he ha full custody lol,Normal +43579,really wish i could see eddie izzard on tour damn the stupid expensive ticket cake or death,Normal +43580,i can t sleep i m stressing out jpc lt,Normal +43581,think im an insomniac i just cant sleep birthday in day oh yay,Normal +43582,cough cough cough that s all i seem to do right now,Normal +43583,kal penn most confusing hour of my life,Normal +43584,another long and slow day ahead sigh,Normal +43585,islandnene well you didnt even consult me to see what my plan were maybe they changed and they did so thanks,Normal +43586,dang i m lazy i ve begun three short story in the last three week and never finished anything will have more focus,Normal +43587,lostmeself uh february something haha imy,Normal +43588,mizzchievouz am sorry to say but it is still in the air,Normal +43589,holy shindig thats hot,Normal +43590,is thinking he s going to have to reinstall wow a it simply refuse to update to 0 irritating time it ll take forever,Normal +43591,okie dokie my tweoples it been a long day and i have to be in the city by 0 am boooooooooooo good night my lovely lt,Normal +43592,hoping i can fall asleep after watching knowing definitely wasn t national treasure,Normal +43593,i think my email domain is being blocked by akismet,Normal +43594,blip fm is undergoing maintenance http blip fm,Normal +43595,yayfuckbuddies haha i would but you won t,Normal +43596,why is it that anytime that i plan what do i get sick and all the plan go out the window,Normal +43597,rodrigo very grey morning,Normal +43598,feeling ill and sorry for myself,Normal +43599,o have too much on my mind and is trying to write it all down so maybe i can get some sleep before class it s not really working,Normal +43600,cufa getting lot of dentist time myself at the moment very stressfull and sore take it nice and easy for the rest of the day,Normal +43601,coke zero mobile site broken on iphone anyway http twitpic com y xp,Normal +43602,quot bruce springsteen embarks on world tour quot apparently oz is on some other unworldly planet,Normal +43603,today i got do shopping easter lt malachi xx owww i m so sore too day,Normal +43604,being grumpy abu dhabi is so boring there really is nothing to photograph and no one to go with,Normal +43605,kel marshall tell me about it had some mortgage quote last sat going to be skint for the next 0 year,Normal +43606,is hoping the posty delivers my pink ticket,Normal +43607,rustyrockets do i sense a blog coming on too bad i have to leave in like 0 min xxx,Normal +43608,the house is one big mess everything is crammed in my bedroom while they do up the other room,Normal +43609,not liking being back at work this morning,Normal +43610,argh opened my crisp upside down i hate that,Normal +43611,feeling really really ill,Normal +43612,blazing row with boy tantrum all round missed train and now standing on platform feeling guilty,Normal +43613,don t have any hot water,Normal +43614,enibeni lol im sorry love ya stupid dating coach that make me feel self conscious about my hair,Normal +43615,joenoia wa up lovely i anit show you no love yet,Normal +43616,worst dream ever and not my usual nightmare either the worst part is it probably gon na come true,Normal +43617,pfff i want to go back to bed i feel horrible today,Normal +43618,i also want easter break p sklov,Normal +43619,can t sleep and dunno why,Normal +43620,biking is hard ya ll,Normal +43621,dougiemcfly morning i m really upset my rabbit ran away last night and the postman woke me up early reply ilu x,Normal +43622,off to the drs it too early,Normal +43623,man my internet is slow atm,Normal +43624,is looking at the gray sky the sun ha been stolen again,Normal +43625,ha a very painful shoulder this morning,Normal +43626,am i m tired think peace out m,Normal +43627,i will say it out loud i miss you a hole and your answer to my iphone question now who will help me upgrade to 0,Normal +43628,my heart is abused with so many hurtful lie and truth i hate being sappy about these kind of thing i hate it,Normal +43629,so fucking bored of work,Normal +43630,landed funny on my foot this morning while jumping down the stair and i twisted it quite sore now,Normal +43631,in a taxi on the way to get pizza bad traffic and headache worst,Normal +43632,xombiexs of course what aren t they remaking at least with haley i have a bit of hope,Normal +43633,i had a migraine and now i can t sleep boo,Normal +43634,for some reason i have a strong urge to draw illustration for novel cover,Normal +43635,prodigy were ace last night only managed a few hour sleep last night not feeling myself today have a cool day guy,Normal +43636,ha realised that this time it might actually be final,Normal +43637,having a horrible headache day and nose bleeding awful feeling,Normal +43638,just found that if i use window to browse twitter com the firewall software will automatically turn off and the pc hang,Normal +43639,back to work with a bump the long weekend is definitely over,Normal +43640,curse my yoghurt exploded in my bag on the way to work now everything smell like toffee,Normal +43641,my heart is abused with so many hurtful lie and truth i hate being sappy about these kind of thing i hate it gold for syf k,Normal +43642,ia awake but ha to go into school today,Normal +43643,im lonely keep me company female california,Normal +43644,in genting now but i now at gohtong jaya using com,Normal +43645,vishal ud yeah got no choice am not to study am to reach class on time for the paper hows eco treating you,Normal +43646,sloth isliye call nahi kiya baad me thinking ki ab to tu movie dekh raha hoga,Normal +43647,gloomy weather again,Normal +43648,sigh gon na take a while to find all the file argh,Normal +43649,is sad that the march break is over,Normal +43650,mileycyrus awww u seriously have the cutest dog miley sorry your not with her now hope u get some sleep xoxo,Normal +43651,qr veolia fail translink the bus and train don t align so the early train is just a late a the bus one hour later,Normal +43652,crackcouture wow that sound fun nah just going to melbourne for a couple of day unfortunately,Normal +43653,ha tonsilitis on my birthday,Normal +43654,jeffkang greeeeat but now i ate all my hard work away,Normal +43655,ellendeg ellen do my message not get to you if you didn t notice i m sad i try so hard to communicate wif u,Normal +43656,observe amp report wa premiering at the chinese theater i wa driving by slowly but only saw the reporter amp red carpet no star,Normal +43657,tried with smsjunction com but got odbc driver error,Normal +43658,ch0en huh like what i didnt know,Normal +43659,i had plan today and now i m scared of you know moving for fear of teh boke fml,Normal +43660,just heard eminem s new single it s official he fell off just heard eminem s new single it s official he fell off,Normal +43661,a bit under the weather the last coupla day workout have been low in energy,Normal +43662,it s a nice day for once and chibi and i are stuck at home waiting for a parcel,Normal +43663,officialrandl where s the update or have i missed something,Normal +43664,ellisonrox awwww but she will be on tomorrow i will still watch her show even though you guy persecute me are you far away,Normal +43665,it the holiday and i still bloody insist on waking up at school time,Normal +43666,finger hurt can t sleep even after my vicoden amp alcohol combo,Normal +43667,i fell tired i want to sleep but im almost done with some work and i need to go to the bathroom,Normal +43668,is missing her roo and totally ready to be over this stupid sickness arghhh,Normal +43669,icedcoffee they end up back a read only and still the error persists i cant add anything to the library now so cant update my,Normal +43670,delicatelyreal i feel your pain,Normal +43671,i need to post a video but i m stuck,Normal +43672,nixpineda i miss youuu,Normal +43673,penalty scored at tynecastle still got beat though,Normal +43674,duncn revision again oh and morning itscammy,Normal +43675,nobody like leatherhead,Normal +43676,okay bb lt doe anyone know where i can get info on how night club in l a cost i wan na rent one out next year please i ll invite yall,Normal +43677,ha got combined ear and toothache and want to rip her face off stamp foot,Normal +43678,laratron ala i have no pimms,Normal +43679,i don t think i like the saw ride at thorpe park the tv ad make me feel sick so goodness know what the ride would do,Normal +43680,just joined twitter and doesnt know anyone yet,Normal +43681,pfff rearanging database,Normal +43682,is wishing he loved me,Normal +43683,heidimontag the hill episode were so sad p love your name,Normal +43684,watching dj emir battle his computer for supreme ruler of the studio i think the computer is winning,Normal +43685,quot flight of the conchords quot suddenly disappeared from spotify,Normal +43686,kid up at the crack of dawn i m still full of cold bleh starting work stuckrecord,Normal +43687,naar haddow racket mee wahey,Normal +43688,breonna why not saturday,Normal +43689,for some reason i can t explain i know st peter won t call my name,Normal +43690,marleyuk i think you spoke too soon big black rain cloud charging towards town now,Normal +43691,and i didnt end up seeing it bumma some ppl are being a pain,Normal +43692,is with the flu,Normal +43693,isnt there any way we could update twitter through our cellphone,Normal +43694,vindiekins aww you re leaving me just wa hoping for input i have avatar in the rp thread on mtp torn on personality,Normal +43695,krist0ph r thats damn sad hope thing will be fine after gud lunch,Normal +43696,sinktoswim hopefully it will be,Normal +43697,just enabled activesync on my google apps account i can now sync my contact and calendar over the net but no mail a of yet,Normal +43698,in loveeee lt and it hurt,Normal +43699,i hate being away from her i cant sleep alone anymore,Normal +43700,depressed our new app s alpha 0 0 0 is now even more complex than our last app s version 9 i long for those small dev team day,Normal +43701,currently watching quot roommate quot i miss the nyc,Normal +43702,need a hug,Normal +43703,back at the office still only day until another long weekend,Normal +43704,mstyrac lol yea i thought about tht sowey but thnx i have some rod one sitting around quot orange my fav color just didn t kno how use,Normal +43705,feeling blue and almost everybody say that my joke are bad,Normal +43706,waiting waiting waiting for a phone call that may mean i can actually sleep at night but then again,Normal +43707,hate being here,Normal +43708,therealswizzz i guess graphic art didn t make the cut huh,Normal +43709,may hold off on hawk getting a job first might be a better idea but i want it,Normal +43710,jvmediadesign i have pic of bucket kitty but i ll probably post it tomorrow now mean having to find cable and connection,Normal +43711,http twitpic com y i snow the guy i m seeing car at work lmao he gon na kill me,Normal +43712,bonniebix controlling own life not possible uni after graduation when i start master boohoo,Normal +43713,having a major head ache this suck men arrrrrrrg,Normal +43714,mileycyrus http twitpic com xszg napping at this point you may need a few of those gma is gon na come early,Normal +43715,yes it is and i got ripped off do not shop at wow,Normal +43716,slept badly still feel like hell but maybe not a bad a yesterday why am i always ill when i take time off work,Normal +43717,at work and a little sick,Normal +43718,it already in the a m i need to sleep especially since i have to be at school for hour,Normal +43719,beeeaaach,Normal +43720,what a bad day need comfort drink sipping on a mocha frap here at starbucks with tricia so tired,Normal +43721,what a day so busy my head hurt from thinking too much annnd tomorrow will be the same woe is me,Normal +43722,ha just realised he work with a bunch of racist,Normal +43723,gerrycoe hi gerry i m in dublin most of the time college,Normal +43724,tweet today quot have a limbo party while you are still supple enough to get under that bar quot still,Normal +43725,yayfuckbuddies what i would and me horny too,Normal +43726,im hungryyyy need more sushi,Normal +43727,i really wish i had not bought the camera le e that day when my 0 went dead i miss photographing little thing dslr is too bulky,Normal +43728,arhh i think i ll end up going alone but i will see it at some point,Normal +43729,skoop but those cause rsi too rsi guide always tell to use two hand for shortcut ah well i wish you luck keep me posted please,Normal +43730,marcfennell i should be in that photo,Normal +43731,alenakristina oooooh i love it sorry i can t help if you can t find it i probably wont be able to find it because well you know,Normal +43732,sucked in heather sewage bath xp and poor owen in the bear total drama island,Normal +43733,borning thats me with a cold virus all bunged up and eye all squinty bah,Normal +43734,the one day i really need to go into school and i m not well,Normal +43735,is no longer on google,Normal +43736,britsystem she stopped eating and is just sleeping all day im worried about my precious little bean,Normal +43737,finished making chocolate and foot really hurt,Normal +43738,gawd my laptop is fucked up now system error just using my lil brother s laptop,Normal +43739,freshly squeezed lied they only showed the video in the end,Normal +43740,ok so i stayed up but didn t watch hero did admin stuff and wp stuff learned some new wp stuff and finally happy with the layout,Normal +43741,i loved mari trini s song when i wa a child,Normal +43742,devastated that the spiegeltent won t be coming to edinburgh festival this year http tinyurl com djh pr,Normal +43743,i m sorry i ve ruined everything between u forgive me,Normal +43744,i think i should not use twitter a i offend people unintentionally,Normal +43745,mitea is missing http apps facebook com catbook profile view 0 0 9,Normal +43746,day leave then easter no work for a week except for the long list of diy job to do at home,Normal +43747,heading to bed have to be at work in hour,Normal +43748,gnite twitter world long day tomorrow night class till 0pm,Normal +43749,is going to priceline city tomorrow but lost her must have list,Normal +43750,i miss my kitty cat,Normal +43751,is off to the dentist then the midwife for blood test whoop de frikking do,Normal +43752,missing vemsteroo unwell still so having phoned the office am going back to bed it seems empty this morning sigh,Normal +43753,lizp0 x oh man that suck i m hoping to go to school happy tomorrow or else it won t be good ahhh,Normal +43754,cant be bothered gwtting dressed x,Normal +43755,is tired of flowchart ken,Normal +43756,stompthewalrus haha well i have lived in texas the past year i think that explains itself lol si habla espaool,Normal +43757,completely addicted to my iphone it s like a bad habit,Normal +43758,wanting some sunshine so we can lay in the pool,Normal +43759,still up trying to finish a mix,Normal +43760,fucken a man lol tiring night at work hope to get this job for got bout the hill dang nabbit lol,Normal +43761,this sickness is making it impossible for me sleep that and how hot i am,Normal +43762,cyantist you re so lucky i wish i did,Normal +43763,twxtd jordan i wish i could i have to keep my door open for other people that may need me,Normal +43764,saamx thanks you too lt,Normal +43765,abacab 9 still sore come put tomorrow though,Normal +43766,shutting off twitter,Normal +43767,friendfeed beta doesn t appear to like my twitter account http ff im y0zm,Normal +43768,hmm the work is not easy wasted two hour for a silly mistake now one system is too slow,Normal +43769,mileycyrus where did you find that quote no don t answer better sleep xoxo from germany where it s already morning,Normal +43770,you know a monday s really bad when it spill over to tuesday,Normal +43771,can t sleep and wondering why my following keep going down guess i got ta try and be more interesting haha,Normal +43772,boycotting work on facebook s fashion war,Normal +43773,face a mammoth task for the rest of the day so many thing to do so little time,Normal +43774,is so jeles argh sy pn mau jln sm kau jg sadddddddddddddish,Normal +43775,annoying place pm and half the hawker s closed i want otah,Normal +43776,mm twitter appears to have eaten some of my post naughty twitter,Normal +43777,at university of hawaii s hamilton library doing hw drinking orange soda,Normal +43778,masha is alone and sad http apps facebook com catbook profile view 0 0,Normal +43779,to the people who called out to me on the red carpet i wa blinded by the light,Normal +43780,moony 9 omg i can t believe this i want to cry freaking fb spoiled me how could this happen,Normal +43781,watching david tennant interesting set filming update i wish i wa in cardiff,Normal +43782,struggling regarding the fact that dance is day away on the other side vacation,Normal +43783,ummm so i have to wait until am for the video,Normal +43784,ow ow ow tummy ache too much candy i never learn,Normal +43785,anyone else having trouble accessing their reply when i click on the link on the right nothing happens i can t access them,Normal +43786,feel yucky sick this morning,Normal +43787,catdevnull nah same one rang up to see what progress wa someone else ha offered but been rejected they reckon to get it,Normal +43788,is feeling terribly sick right now,Normal +43789,ugh i wake up and ff go to sleep guess i should just do more revision,Normal +43790,i wan na see twilight again love it but i don t have the dvd oh well guess i surive,Normal +43791,r i p baby girl sandra cantu my prayer r with the cantu family be strong,Normal +43792,i d like to know why i never sleep,Normal +43793,kremsersenf away from tubingen and the germ yes away from friend not so much,Normal +43794,completing report and meeting this morning interviewing people this afternoon busy bee today blurrgghh,Normal +43795,there wa a problem with your picture,Normal +43796,txbrad i need coffee lol i saw you tweet this on mcintec net lol it come up before mibbit mibbit is so slow on twitter it suck,Normal +43797,well everyone after a super adventurous day luke ha gone home let u all morn the loss of a hero im off to continue playing sims,Normal +43798,i really want a puppy,Normal +43799,quot blip fm is undergoing maintenance quot sorry no music tweet for now i m shaking already,Normal +43800,jonnyisgeek i cant watch it suck,Normal +43801,amsterdamant unfortunately i didn t dream about shoe,Normal +43802,no travoradio this morning blipfm is down http bit ly ch xr,Normal +43803,ohonefourthree this is me word for word my stomach is all fucked up suck,Normal +43804,hey djtracyyoung why aren t you playing at gaydays this year every year i know tracy s night will be the best night,Normal +43805,money isnt suppose to depress you,Normal +43806,x0mrsjoejonas im okay im just really really missing my best friend,Normal +43807,breezyskies i did the pet course last time i wa in sf ok on theory which i knew not so good on tool what i wa after,Normal +43808,barryearnshaw pezholio my achilles heel for spending is x dvd s for 0 in hmv,Normal +43809,appletv ha died dreading diagnosis,Normal +43810,is not looking forward to class and work tomorrow,Normal +43811,a day negotiating wth insurer after spilling beer on my laptop last night probably to no avail,Normal +43812,nobody is talking to me,Normal +43813,just woke up,Normal +43814,bkk ha protest maybe ho chi minn city,Normal +43815,i m hella breaking out,Normal +43816,is probably sick ffs,Normal +43817,is poorly sick,Normal +43818,corienb kutner s gone really have to see the new episode urgently but they aren t available on dvd yet,Normal +43819,goodnight nobody since i have no follower nobody can see me say this,Normal +43820,darn forgot that tonight s shoot wa postponed will be at a loose end now quot,Normal +43821,amazon mp downloads down to 9p so much for my 0 cheer jodiedoubleday http tinyurl com dg qtg,Normal +43822,ladyldn i hope you feel better soon being ill is no fun at all,Normal +43823,is finally home after a shitty day at work doing floorset,Normal +43824,maybe an insomniac or just nocturnal,Normal +43825,eliteforce i have been told by friend that constantly circle the globe that the flight from the uk to downunder is the worst ever,Normal +43826,in a queue for a ticket at phantasialand look busy school holiday ftl silver mine and winjas fear are closed too,Normal +43827,cherrytreerec oh man i can t see the vid it ot available in my country,Normal +43828,tryin to take a nap i can t sleep,Normal +43829,bivancamp did you update itunes to the new version b you lost it new software update killed my ipod,Normal +43830,wondering where the sunshine went,Normal +43831,just got up and nappy very wet and split at the back going for a nice baby bath and then back in nappy i go,Normal +43832,honeymunchkin my anger is getting bigger for every minute that go by i got some uglycomments on one of my video,Normal +43833,today is the day the government kill u all,Normal +43834,haven t talk with aaliyah love in a few miss her some wife say to thank her for the mag she sent u,Normal +43835,newkidsfan awwwww ur gunna make me cry i miss him so much he ha blessed me w so much love and memory,Normal +43836,dottedwithearts lol i still got ta work always do,Normal +43837,finished everything she need to do at work tonight ugh three hour of nothing coming up,Normal +43838,i wish this wa easier or that you got the hint booooo,Normal +43839,good morning can t believe this is my last week in london but i will be back in the marketingworld of london for sure,Normal +43840,im boring i really dont understand how to use this,Normal +43841,cathrynscott thank you nor me,Normal +43842,ha nothing to contribute to a discussion of angel and airwave v blink,Normal +43843,doesn t want him to go,Normal +43844,just remembered that i ve forgotten my best friend birthday,Normal +43845,awww ellie sound so sick poor thing,Normal +43846,baby i miss you so much,Normal +43847,writing an article video converter in test it ll take a long time,Normal +43848,pietrofelix good luck enduring the tiring journey,Normal +43849,about to start the epic drive from glasgow to alton tower look like a rainy few day,Normal +43850,at work and tired doing report fun no not really,Normal +43851,maya is being spayed today i m very nervous about it,Normal +43852,thats it im folding and getting tweetie for my iphone twitteriffic is taking toooo long to update i need grouping amp reply,Normal +43853,is tired,Normal +43854,storycorey but it a mac,Normal +43855,is going to be a long week funeral and work tomorrow jac,Normal +43856,gon na be a great day of the member of our team are off,Normal +43857,woke up and feel like rubbish rest or chill indoors and play xbox with a cold drink,Normal +43858,rach oh no that suck mike ha to work saturday and monday andrew got from friday till wednesday off the bugger lol,Normal +43859,i m over it but accutely aware that only bob will ever know that,Normal +43860,wake up in paris but it s grey need more sun,Normal +43861,peachfuzz uk ah but that s ok you see a it is quot to stop da terrorist quot and anything that claim to be for that is acceptable,Normal +43862,i m trying to fine friend on twitter no luck so far,Normal +43863,my xbox a finally given up the fight,Normal +43864,working on my senior paper,Normal +43865,ohhh i hate civics,Normal +43866,havent update this in a while bin stuck with my gf during the week non im bk in class learnin,Normal +43867,argh driving into london today made a wrong turn at king x stuck in an extra 0 minute of logjam traffic,Normal +43868,nothing beat the cold damp feeling you get when pulling on a wet pair of knicks,Normal +43869,yay no work todayyy but working for the rest of the week lol,Normal +43870,dancing with myself i m not emo want to write a song,Normal +43871,i m ill i don t like that,Normal +43872,the last season of the hill what will one do with oneself when it end,Normal +43873,havent update this in a while bin stuck with my gf during the week now im bk in class learnin,Normal +43874,ellelovexx haaaaa i want mac amp cheese toooooo hahahaha hey i still got the one u left here i guess im making that today oo lol,Normal +43875,ugh back to 0 dollar fill ups at the pump,Normal +43876,helenvking i feel for you commuting on packed train is hideous,Normal +43877,triner too bad you couldn t wait another month or so for me to sell mine,Normal +43878,i miss the glass house but thankfully pretty much every moment of it ha been uploaded onto youtube,Normal +43879,the future is no more a it used to be,Normal +43880,love her iphone but hate the fact tjat she need to charge it often,Normal +43881,plug on train once again doesnt work,Normal +43882,theresev solen var inge varm,Normal +43883,waiting for my cisco ip phone to load,Normal +43884,listen to jonas brother i love this band but i come from germany and i can t see them,Normal +43885,bradhfh hello you stoped talking to me lol,Normal +43886,is even more irritated to find that the patch doesn t even get released properly until tmrw whats the point of letting you do it now,Normal +43887,jess t they have diff camp gahh they re all rural though woga woga and bathurst but they re the best advertising,Normal +43888,tried to install a twitter application on my phone didn t work tough boo,Normal +43889,nybabe oh ball i forgot all about your article in the mail yesterday have you got a link to it or an electronic copy,Normal +43890,doing some architectural modeling for a change now going smooth so far intuos m is looking very tempting can t get one yet,Normal +43891,you promised not to leave me right i hope you wouldn t break that promise,Normal +43892,flu shot ouch,Normal +43893,i am scheduled to be very productive on a few hr and i still can not sleep insomia ha gotten to me,Normal +43894,stephen just left i miss him sooo much,Normal +43895,i m gon na lay down and count my breath until i fall asleep wooo lol it s cuddle day today i need someone to cuddle with,Normal +43896,it pm here and i dont wan na go to chemistry course i dont wan na meet jordi thats the main reason,Normal +43897,leah you not going then,Normal +43898,zinziii dammit when ya heading home we didn t get messy drunk together at any point,Normal +43899,tonight s gyratory system show at the vibe bar will be electronic due to drummer illness,Normal +43900,wow nw00 00 are now operated with a 0 we can get ac power cool but ticket price is hyper crazy expensive,Normal +43901,so cold,Normal +43902,in a few minute then going to bed since eric hate me and wont run around with me,Normal +43903,it day one of my ivf injection so let the fun begin,Normal +43904,stephendon i just cant commit the time though my play time isnt the same a everyone el,Normal +43905,michellepen immensely started playing with new site a i didn t want to mess up easter one paranoid moi,Normal +43906,let s hope the sore throat clear up before the break and is not a pre cursor to illness over the holiday,Normal +43907,ha a bit of a scratchy throat i hope it go away before thursday and my weekend of fun,Normal +43908,ugh hate haviinq dis sleepiinq problemsz,Normal +43909,wanted to tweet that i wa in victoria but silly canadian service wouldn t work home now and sad vacation is over,Normal +43910,there s more security here than at sydney airport and no spirit at the bar startrek,Normal +43911,adamcurry is it possible to add another stream option that us the regular 0 0 0 port i can t stream noagenda because of fw proxy,Normal +43912,gfalcone 0 nawww fly me to london australia is boring,Normal +43913,addersop i have a habbit of misspelling bought,Normal +43914,just got back from picking up my parent goodbye house to myself,Normal +43915,i understand nothing from this twitter,Normal +43916,yawn morning all i had a real rough night,Normal +43917,trib agreed,Normal +43918,the sun is shining got ta get to work,Normal +43919,moony 9 i think i will be even more in denial after i watch,Normal +43920,turn out there had been earthquake warning in italy and they were ignored http bit ly dvyg,Normal +43921,cube creepin me out dude may have to cancel my trip to sydney now lol,Normal +43922,going to work now,Normal +43923,it s snowing again,Normal +43924,im bored and my finger hurt from playing the guitar all day,Normal +43925,sevenmac you should set up a video channel for your podcast on miro just checked and you re not listed there,Normal +43926,will have a meeting in an hour to explain quot which version of oaw we use quot what to say none atm it s just a heap of unbundled emf tool,Normal +43927,i miss my room in pasig i have no place right now to take sp s,Normal +43928,carter co kentucky ha estblshd thier first public library and are in need of a director thier entire budget is only 000 year,Normal +43929,in this day and age doctor shouldn t take this long with result,Normal +43930,train late again i m gon na have to walk the hall of shame,Normal +43931,mae fitch you keep deleting my number,Normal +43932,jess t haha i know eh but i m thinking about vet science at sydney uni cept that the guy wasn t there last night he wa in hostpital,Normal +43933,i miss them in adelaide i wish i wa there too the beach look beautiful,Normal +43934,umm yeah homework,Normal +43935,well i m going to bed early i wish i could sleep in tomorrow,Normal +43936,morning tweetpeeps i didn t get to bed until am yesterday wa on msn to alex until and then wanted to play dead space before bed,Normal +43937,good morning i m off to the hospital with my dad to spend basically all day in the waiting room just for a two minute app fun fun fun,Normal +43938,can t sleep and brother is at home with girlfriend and baby so i can t sleep in his room any more,Normal +43939,firefox e lanati hey crash hey crash,Normal +43940,want a polaroid camera,Normal +43941,off to the hospital s some jaw breaking is about to happen,Normal +43942,i wish my iphone would let me do the thing it would be so much easier,Normal +43943,tried to install a twitter application on my phone didn t work though boo,Normal +43944,i don t want to study i want to go shopping instead,Normal +43945,i saw a girl on the blog thumbnail went in and she wa wayyyy cp i feel dirty i need a shower,Normal +43946,ahhh the drafthouse had a surprise world premiere screening of the new star trek last night and i wa at torchys,Normal +43947,andygosling ouch zoom and the clearfix method are your friend,Normal +43948,is just loving the fact that it is 0 in the a m and my lil daughter will not go back to sleep,Normal +43949,nasty scraping noise from the back of my car,Normal +43950,php give me a segfault with a preg split,Normal +43951,quot it not how you are alike it how you are diferent quot i just cried in that montage flashback in hp make me cry every time,Normal +43952,in my bed trying helplessly to breathe out of my nose without coming across the itchy need to sneeze allergy suck many thing,Normal +43953,the sun set way too early,Normal +43954,hello tuesday hope your better than i think won t tweet for a few hour later,Normal +43955,mileycyrus http twitpic com y 0 i want a sofie she s helllza cute,Normal +43956,chewbeka yeah it is brutal at least it s not until june lmao but i m excited then we have to get onto another plane to canada lol,Normal +43957,but first the other workathlon set of management account one after the other,Normal +43958,dhughesy thats when i have my birthday but we already have plan,Normal +43959,msdivineknight see thats why i never go to bed early cause if u sleep u miss thing i slept i missed joe unhappy and,Normal +43960,i m struggling to type this morning maybe i m still suffering from day glo overload from friday s 0 s fest,Normal +43961,in which episode did house and cuddy hook up apo meeting this is all your fault,Normal +43962,waiting for my love to get home and getting sad that there won t be hot cross bun after next week,Normal +43963,leelowe aww thanks hun but am just picking this up now i wa in scotland until yesterday evening how d it go,Normal +43964,is about to kill off one of her favourite character dawww,Normal +43965,site load rising again increased my capacity but it s going up still,Normal +43966,gabrielmansour multiple book at a time although i have a bad habit of not finishing book,Normal +43967,clairerichard all of em,Normal +43968,duncn they won t,Normal +43969,i m not happy i woke up at 0am this morning and didn t get to sleep again till am,Normal +43970,coffee amp carrot cake slice mmm still lost for idea for art help,Normal +43971,bipling are you coming to au or is cobi going to you jealous lol misser you,Normal +43972,ugh in sound class now out of here at kill me won t get home until 0ish,Normal +43973,want to use the directional dance pad pero di compatible sa tv yung game http plurk com p n0hyu,Normal +43974,jason 00 hello im out of coffee this morning that s what i get for winding you up yesterday lol have a good day,Normal +43975,want to play resident evil but school and work getting in the way,Normal +43976,deepbluesealove im still here reading an article on a different site seems a little dull on twitter tonight with no music,Normal +43977,exmi i hope he come back,Normal +43978,the company i work for shuts down on thursday joblessville here i come,Normal +43979,is trying to look to the big picture but boy it hard to some day,Normal +43980,seriously i should not be this tired i need deep sleep not this pissy tossing and turning moan moan moan,Normal +43981,flat out today didnt get everythin done amp endured massive headache fever and nausea still have to finish my essay amp work tomory all day,Normal +43982,feeling ill again today,Normal +43983,sinab i think we all do,Normal +43984,i hate money,Normal +43985,nick thompson nick i d love to blame my oven i may have to blame the fact that i d had a shed load of wine and wa watching top gear,Normal +43986,jlsofficial a photoshoot eyy im sure you will all look hot come back to brighton say hellooo to the boy love you load xxxxxx,Normal +43987,off to the dentist,Normal +43988,aww man yet another party last night i miss new jersey so anyone up to anything today,Normal +43989,meganxnightmare i think so too i always get it,Normal +43990,my girl tjlefebvre is missing anyone seen her this evening,Normal +43991,is not really feeling twitter at all,Normal +43992,splont i have a meeting all morning today if that make you feel better though i finish tomorrow until next wed to make you hate me,Normal +43993,in zombie mode today kid are ill and kept me up till 0am up for work at am,Normal +43994,people who have had this and she say they have all been the same it s vicious,Normal +43995,i m missin my baby really needed to talk to him today,Normal +43996,school and errand without will and that s the sad part,Normal +43997,i ve got such a lot at the moment doubt i m going to get chance to book time off with the family this easter hol s,Normal +43998,i have to apply for international driver licence not for competition of course to go to nurburgring in may must take half day off,Normal +43999,goulandris email provider,Normal +44000,laurenbavin hey you didn t tell me you had one of those jealous,Normal +44001,morning i m baggered been the gym then off to work later,Normal +44002,princessshorty aww sorry to hear hope it get better listening to a podcast of the debate now you spoke brilliantly,Normal +44003,davedynamix i m still sad over marley amp me also that damn clearance dog,Normal +44004,ashleyemma lucky devil i m dreaming of a crispy bacon sandwich but no one a yet ha volunteered to go get one,Normal +44005,think i saw some magic on sunday against salford i saw hull fc come out onto the pitch but after that they vanished,Normal +44006,doing the usual with breakie in starbucks before heading out for the morning with camera but weather looking shite at this stage,Normal +44007,george mackie i dont sell very often on ebay,Normal +44008,tommcfly did you know that johnson baby use animal like cute bunny to test their product,Normal +44009,can t sleep bc i drank a diet coke 9pm suck bc i have to wake up at 0am,Normal +44010,one triop down one to go,Normal +44011,damn i need to learn,Normal +44012,darn it i woke up with a great idea for a lime article and i forgot what it wa,Normal +44013,thinking the short and flip flop may have been a bad idea,Normal +44014,mikebreed it all up to u mike i understand what you say but i think it u that need to change my opinion but yours is good too lol,Normal +44015,i m waiting for a parcel and it s just not arriving argh hurry up hurry up,Normal +44016,knot serious oh btw djrocko9 amp i tried to go to that cuban buffet i told u about so excited it s closed on monday sad story,Normal +44017,gingha it is i have the doc so morning off and then into work freecycling what you getting,Normal +44018,should have stayed at home,Normal +44019,bit lonely on here don t seem to have many friend who actually use twitter oh well,Normal +44020,artemisiii oh no is it the laundry powder maybe i m allergic to some and since jean are usually so fitted it make it worse,Normal +44021,i need some inspiration before i hit the kitchen tonight,Normal +44022,accidentally listened to the new sugababes album playing four girl aloud hit sequentially to purge the memory,Normal +44023,going to walk my dog and shower before bed sad the yankee lost the first game monday too boooo,Normal +44024,exmi hey doll sorry to hear bout ur doggie hope he come home soon would help u look if i weren t so far away,Normal +44025,is upset that she couldn t find quot church of the flying spaghetti monster quot on twitter to follow,Normal +44026,why won t anyone enjoy pretty film with me,Normal +44027,feel like i am comming down with something let s hope it s just a cold,Normal +44028,is not sleeping damnit t minus hour and counting until i have to get the kid up for school,Normal +44029,rochellesheree i missed you is wednesday your day off or is that thursday,Normal +44030,missed the train to york no wifi and blackberry battery is going to die soon not a good start to the day,Normal +44031,theoryofmind woppygook omniaaaa i said no to the crackberrryyy time to depart with my flip phone,Normal +44032,hermes packetdienst suck,Normal +44033,had too much fun last night paying for it now going to go and fry an egg,Normal +44034,no squirrel today they must be hiding,Normal +44035,nmcgivney yeah ploughed around there last night but nothing happening,Normal +44036,ali 0 omg did daughter not come home last night what a huge worry i would have been out of my mind poor you,Normal +44037,just bought a car and my impending fatherhood is affecting my judgement out with plan of a 0ci and in with a rav,Normal +44038,even after the aust gov roll out it bln 00mb b band we ll still be way behind most of the rest of the world b band speed,Normal +44039,bnish dan and i grabbed yardhouse earlier why didn t you pirate it i wa so disappointed,Normal +44040,in work early for team meeting but forgot my lunch,Normal +44041,i m not worried about them cutting my hour down so i start at 0 00am every day except i may have to give up my morning starbucks,Normal +44042,mrjoe sorry to hear about the bike,Normal +44043,aliceverheij on m xp im afriad laptop is about yr old and think it just a bit messed up,Normal +44044,well i wa going to rpm vespa need oil i ain t going anywhere,Normal +44045,my fast remains un broken,Normal +44046,it s been a year since mark speight died a year go so fast,Normal +44047,this is exactly why a city burn worry me quot a city burn s third and most likely final outing quot from their new album review,Normal +44048,i don t like this 9 malarky i should be out seeing my friend who i haven t seen in month stupid work,Normal +44049,aw ball the new shirt i got at aerie today doesn t fit i wear a medium but they only had a small in the one,Normal +44050,saulwilliams third budget of the yr in ireland today they want to tax text message pray for the poet,Normal +44051,finished the second research paper of the week it s tuesday kind of kill me test friday,Normal +44052,jpiasentin same but unfortunately i have to pack now,Normal +44053,will probably be in scotland next week http plurk com p n0ivz,Normal +44054,i m having a panic attack so i can t sleep distracting myself with tv and internet hope this go away soon,Normal +44055,susanstn opps still unable to dm you at the moment maybe twitter bug after the maintenance,Normal +44056,my project is going down the drain legal issue seem to have dealt a fatal blow,Normal +44057,where s my heat and grazia subscription he s probably delivered them next door,Normal +44058,is missing n ol frend amp is thinking bout her rite now,Normal +44059,brahhh quit smoking cigs i dont want to look old plus i cant breath haha,Normal +44060,omy jus woke up but wa wishing i woke up sumwer in ny lol,Normal +44061,school suxxx wish i wa on tourny again,Normal +44062,ainz dj mate what time you gettin there not gon na be able to hang around for the late bit but comin down to support you fo sho,Normal +44063,mathie make for hard work for small business,Normal +44064,well isn t that great now i m really sick all coughing and having a sore throat,Normal +44065,got up at mistakenly it should ve been,Normal +44066,got the brainbone daily question wrong http apps facebook com brainbone stats 9 ref tw,Normal +44067,phillyd wishing you the best lt,Normal +44068,rockchic i normally go with pumpkin patch but a bit skint at the minute,Normal +44069,headtotail thank you i feel sad but hope we can give her a nice life til the end now,Normal +44070,msjheart lol yeah i m good i just got ta unplug it and use the other one until i can hustle up 9 buck for a new one,Normal +44071,cant sleep once again i need to cuddle,Normal +44072,robertzalme yes i do too much theory getting in not much solution coming out,Normal +44073,going to school in twenty minute i have a head ache t t i m not looking forward to meeting my angry teacher,Normal +44074,it wayy to early to be awake zzz,Normal +44075,attack of the hayfever noooo,Normal +44076,need hug,Normal +44077,neevd know of any more site to play game on i ll never get past the second footpath on frogger,Normal +44078,playing killzone the demo,Normal +44079,iloveac slut you never talk to me but yet you talk to rinn waa waaa waaaaaaaa lol i love you courtney,Normal +44080,mrsfr yes unfortunately the date clashed with an important and long standing family party got to do it on my own,Normal +44081,i am having my coffee i see frost on the car window i suspected there would be some this am i hope i am not so tired today,Normal +44082,my comp is so screwed up,Normal +44083,jessicafilan it is,Normal +44084,charliecondou skinmusic more like,Normal +44085,crazytwism i know they block orkut in dubai in oman they have orkut access but skype is banned ru from the gulf,Normal +44086,hate the waiting game she hate uncertainty too,Normal +44087,my throat hurt i think i have a cold,Normal +44088,now i m kind of sad after all the bullshit i found out,Normal +44089,ow i totally ate pavement this morn at stephen green luas stop so sore and there wa a freaking tv camera there of all the time to fall,Normal +44090,jamming postponed again boohoohoozx damn you flu bug,Normal +44091,my baby just went home,Normal +44092,another morning at net tower still on deadline,Normal +44093,wakey wakey i m bored my dog is annoying he weight 0 pound and doesn t want to come off of my knee,Normal +44094,i miss family guyyy,Normal +44095,tired and borrrrrred this vacation sooooooo hot,Normal +44096,just sitting waiting,Normal +44097,sitting at home watching jeremy kyle and bored,Normal +44098,still in germany,Normal +44099,stuck on my own at work super stressed i wish i wa somewhere else,Normal +44100,kateblogs no it s because i m an author not a subscriber,Normal +44101,why am i up so early i am bored and have had that trantula song stuck in my head for the past hour www stalkdaily com georg,Normal +44102,feel like a cramp quite disconcerting,Normal +44103,skynicmac shame,Normal +44104,one of my site s pr dropped http plurk com p n0jlt,Normal +44105,mcbesty monday is usually a working day,Normal +44106,maxbarners i hope it all go well,Normal +44107,is supposed to work for university but the construction sight close by make contant noise,Normal +44108,crucifire damit that wa my idea for today s comic just wrote it down will give credit then,Normal +44109,zen sushi for lunch today look like it s raining outside,Normal +44110,ashley tisdale i love you but why did you dye your hair,Normal +44111,didnt announce reading lineup,Normal +44112,ronjeffries i d love to hire you again too it wa ton of fun last time i don t do the budget tho or the hiring,Normal +44113,off to see my german girl for her last night in brisbane,Normal +44114,micameli my friend wa supposed to be having one but it hasn t been arranged yet,Normal +44115,lan at jetblackonyx s with miss mell wa a blasty blast now it s time for home,Normal +44116,gnah inner tube exploded got ta get a taxi to work or be late,Normal +44117,good morning i am going for a run this morning then it off to the dentist for some drilling,Normal +44118,cubedweller gah not for me on freeview then still if they brought over the colbert report i d consider switching just to get that,Normal +44119,i m in my clinic it booring http twitpic com y qq,Normal +44120,only more day left in london where did the time go,Normal +44121,jerrrm today can not meeting the whole day gilaaaa,Normal +44122,hungry dreaming of yumyums,Normal +44123,no gym yesteday they have a all new gym so i need a new induction good news is it s booked for wednesday woot,Normal +44124,ughhhhh i so didn t see that coming on house ilu bb,Normal +44125,gfalcone 0 nawww take me to london please cornwall s boring,Normal +44126,my website is down,Normal +44127,kingkiwi i want to be somewhere with no rain it not very nice here today,Normal +44128,0 letter to be sent out better start writing now,Normal +44129,llordllama oh no i had an obadiah too name that start with e are generally good,Normal +44130,valdezign hmm this beta of nambu ha ping fm and friendfeed disabled boo,Normal +44131,ohhh not very well and i ve lost my voice,Normal +44132,arizonaaaa japannaly hhhahaha now you can t go thursday you bitch jk hahaha http tumblr com xej jtj9w,Normal +44133,booo ee you suck why daniella don t bring sam back at all if it ha to be her not happy,Normal +44134,fabianv what kind of doc and what are you using to write them we re always behind on our doc,Normal +44135,wish she didn t have om homework to do right now,Normal +44136,ok here s the deal i live in a small town i ve never seen anythin famous n anyway so i thought i might luck up on something,Normal +44137,duskyazure least u got lie in i ve bn up way long mr woke up at am this morning amp dragd me out of slumberlnd the same time,Normal +44138,i m trying to plan trip low budget though don t think it is working,Normal +44139,ianhanlon me and scobz goal is to get a celeb to respond to one of our tweet before we go to sleep i may not get any sleep,Normal +44140,nobody ever speaks to me now,Normal +44141,waiting for tom to call,Normal +44142,it s mum birthday im glad she like her pressies i m looking forward to party time later this week but sad im not going to cornwall,Normal +44143,dajbelshaw sound like my every day except gym,Normal +44144,my car arrived maybe i ll get it on thursday damn paperwork,Normal +44145,someone ratsofatsorat left a few sip of mocha in the reusable coffee mug last week now it s chunky,Normal +44146,omg whats with window vista today tried installing it on my window laptop and it died reinstall,Normal +44147,i mean nobody go on this anymore x,Normal +44148,dear twitter i have bug bite on my leg they r itchyyyy haha just got outta the shower uhh night,Normal +44149,thomassonora i had the same problem poken error,Normal +44150,tracitoguchi nah not really feeling it come back on,Normal +44151,mushyv ahhhhh that hoff programme sounded class i fuckin missed it hope there s a repeat innit,Normal +44152,confused what he should do with his life,Normal +44153,grunt good luck with the big meeting i hope the rumour mill is wrong,Normal +44154,j xx is the white guy manager there the one that shout when you walk in i wan na go back and feast,Normal +44155,no missing again on thursday is the worst,Normal +44156,hello world i dont like to do physic,Normal +44157,going to the dentist again i mean tooth spa right valeriekhoo,Normal +44158,my boyfriend mean the world to me but he just doesn t seem to see it muchless understand,Normal +44159,natazzz hurt and sad,Normal +44160,finished marking can t celebrate yet tho got to communicate mark amp feedback to all those online student rest of the night gone there,Normal +44161,is still sick hate this,Normal +44162,simon felice is no longer playing with the felice brother i m not sure how i feel about that,Normal +44163,ear size 00 hurt watching chaos theory wonderful movie love it,Normal +44164,going on holiday with my friend tomorrow exited but no twitter,Normal +44165,look like the nobel peace prize is simply a popularity contest http tinyurl com cffz h,Normal +44166,oww the poor darling body of missing tracy girl sandra cantu found inside suitcase www tinyurl com dfhvzg tracy,Normal +44167,ugh why did my mum wake me up so early geesh i need sleep and princessnadys there is noth awww,Normal +44168,but i have to work now so no time to play,Normal +44169,haylieofficial every night,Normal +44170,no post or even any email nobody love you when your down i d take a long walk but don t have energy to get out of chair,Normal +44171,via chrismevans argh driving into london today made a wrong turn at king x stuck in an extra 0 minute of logjam traffic,Normal +44172,mattg00d i dont like you not having internet you dont tweet a much,Normal +44173,jodie lane jodie are you awake are you hungry do you need anything coz i m leaving coz you wont talk to me,Normal +44174,llaacceeyy haha i m not a good cook at all it look pretty foul right now love having voguettes on twitter yay nice to meet you x,Normal +44175,need to go to the dentist now what a perfect start for the holiday hm,Normal +44176,ha no milk for a cup of tea,Normal +44177,mother fucker changing the rota without telling me not cool off to work,Normal +44178,why can i not add my boyfriend,Normal +44179,arghhhhhh can t put a profile picture here so i m sorry guy s don t know what to do now,Normal +44180,lolzitsmel paranormal wa pretty good tonight,Normal +44181,glinner don t think that s the right username for mr brook,Normal +44182,it a grey day in london come back sun all is forgiven,Normal +44183,i hate window movie maker sony vega come back i cant download it anymore my brother banned me from downloading,Normal +44184,i cant stop laughing this burger king commerical im so easily amused,Normal +44185,davidkudrev it s just a pity that facebook chat ha exceeded even msn s amazingly level of unreliability,Normal +44186,pity i ll have to remove it because it s irrelevant,Normal +44187,hubby ha such a tight scedule for u during easter vaca that it stressing me out visit all over denmark in day,Normal +44188,rickrodgers just kidding man rim doesn t even have a sync client for linux and the opensync package suck at least it can charge lolz,Normal +44189,oh and my agent had me booked out the wrong day x 000000,Normal +44190,going out with josh of course i broke up with will but wa it the right thing to do i feel so bad so confused,Normal +44191,i wish my new glass weren t so expensive,Normal +44192,yummy pizza for dinner top of mouth burnt now though,Normal +44193,literally spitting blood,Normal +44194,im just a little bit bored down here in warrnambool only so many animal docos you can handle,Normal +44195,wordpress is being a bitch as bitch otherwise there d be a new silence remix up,Normal +44196,casasteve vw forum are a nightmare for that enthusiast on forum always result in politics and bitching,Normal +44197,is awake at a sensible time and is doing alot of coursework bohoo,Normal +44198,schofe that sound like a great show shame i m at work,Normal +44199,wyldceltic so i read i m glad you re doing better,Normal +44200,emperoremil yup i m at work i m on midshift na e,Normal +44201,burjz ugh i didn t mean to sign off and then when i got back you were gone,Normal +44202,my baby s heading for perth,Normal +44203,uh d why did the dentist hurt today holy crap i feel like my teeth are all about to fall out,Normal +44204,nobody will let me make one giant cookie,Normal +44205,going for a ride i hate my leg,Normal +44206,feel sick and need foood i cant find my camera anywhere last night wa good lindsay s house is pretty ruined eek,Normal +44207,omkar kurode you won coz i created quot avenue quot for you and yeah i made the mistake of choosing tango over zone,Normal +44208,sometimes youtube ha no sound on ubuntu,Normal +44209,can not find her phone,Normal +44210,might have to go to hospital on my foot for an x ray have to wait for the doctor to call me back to confirm i hate hospital,Normal +44211,ahh sorry ya ll for not being able to twitter from the show my phone so did not work in there at all but brit wa amazeing ahhh,Normal +44212,i m so damn tired today actually i need to take a nap when i m at home but there s no time,Normal +44213,just woke up tiresome time,Normal +44214,heromancer come back to orlando again sooon i couldn t make it to the show sadly,Normal +44215,wish restaurant city or pet society could be ported to the iphone itouch http plurk com p n0lb0,Normal +44216,not twittering in the past day obviously 0am and taking a small break from ochem,Normal +44217,omg this bed is making me sick i cant even sleep in it,Normal +44218,on our way to the hospital please keep praying,Normal +44219,just had a bowl of bran flake and is about to ave a shower and do revision,Normal +44220,phillcoleman i had it a low a last night,Normal +44221,sarahlsharp oops feel like i m breaking a few heart now,Normal +44222,shystieuk wish me luck got ta go london ging great olmand street for a appointment really scared xxxx,Normal +44223,dev dsp hrm your last two post make it sound like i m holding you back,Normal +44224,etnobofin even google translator doe not get it,Normal +44225,might have to go to hospital for my foot for an x ray have to wait for the doctor to call me back to confirm i hate hospital,Normal +44226,thi m v c i u b i n,Normal +44227,i know i shouldn t feel upset about losing a follower who wa probably a porn star or trying to sell me something and yet i do,Normal +44228,argh firefox ha just removed a bookmark folder my sharepoint folder including all link within no idea why how,Normal +44229,delustre i wan na watch dollhouse i haven t seen any eps yet i lt eliza dushku so much lol,Normal +44230,kourtneykardash i need get my beach bod back,Normal +44231,just saw dan off neighbour walking down chapel street random feeling like they are going to fire me at work any got a job going,Normal +44232,jansmells maybe you should stop being so lazy,Normal +44233,goosed sorry for procrastinating while you were gone,Normal +44234,macbatchelor ah won t be at rehearsal tonight we are awaiting the imminent arrival,Normal +44235,clairefallen nah everyone,Normal +44236,snow in april this suck,Normal +44237,colbsi flickr s not letting me view it say it s private,Normal +44238,misswyn i bet you are i remember easter a a kid wa so excited you ll have a great day,Normal +44239,xambix wow welcome home eh that s well shit especially just coming back off holiday some fucking people,Normal +44240,blueeyedbomber excellent missed you saturday night,Normal +44241,tiahn good coz you don t have to be there bad coz you don t get paid,Normal +44242,it wa going to be sunny today right why do forecaster always put my hope up fb,Normal +44243,ollien and carousella i can t i have another doctor appointment at 9 and another one at suck,Normal +44244,still a bit sick but working on article today,Normal +44245,last day in my nice little office dont wan na move,Normal +44246,doesn t want to go college want to cuddle my babyyy,Normal +44247,hmm shoulder is making some bad noise if i move my arm back and forth i know don t do it fear a return to physio may be required,Normal +44248,happyahma welcome back sorry to hear about the ant,Normal +44249,rhyswynne that s a pest grr to spam,Normal +44250,odannygirl oh yes i have quot road rash quot all over my hip lovely ay i so rock,Normal +44251,whyvee welcome home sound like a hell of a journey back,Normal +44252,got an offer to go camping at fraser island for the weekend would jump on the offer without a nd thought but it s forecast to rain,Normal +44253,latexfetish sadly that s not a feed for wordpress a feed usually would be bla com feed or bla com feed r but those two don t exist,Normal +44254,kristenkreuk fiuhh nice to get info from you i m one of your fan from indonesia and still waiting for your movie in my country thanx,Normal +44255,don t want to leave college,Normal +44256,i cant give up smoking i tried but it s not easy,Normal +44257,http twitpic com y z see where we ve been moved too dwsr,Normal +44258,tayswift i wa up at am btw congrats on winning album of the year you deserve it i can t not shed a tear to white horse,Normal +44259,hedgewytch oh that s horrible about innocent smoothy we love them but if they start putting rubbish in them,Normal +44260,i can t sleep there s a fight outside how inconsiderate i wan na go sleep,Normal +44261,is frightened co it spider time i hope the flat repels them a i unfortunately haven t got a man to save me,Normal +44262,having casual unprotected tweet with twat i ll probably never see again my mom will be so dissapointed,Normal +44263,going out sidee in dee cold,Normal +44264,ha insomnia and a headache,Normal +44265,virtuallin i actually really like taub for some reason i thought the bromance with kutner wa cute still kutner sigh,Normal +44266,watched smallville x last nite http twurl nl iyar d ep could ve been so much more but yet again the decision made fail to impress,Normal +44267,last time i watched this movie it had this huge epiphinal line that wa exactly what i needed now that i need it again i can t find it,Normal +44268,jazred i told you if i caved i d end up abusing it much like i do facebook it s because i don t have any real friend,Normal +44269,can not upload my pic,Normal +44270,my personal web site wa hacked what should i do,Normal +44271,when will i finally get over this cold,Normal +44272,i really hope i suceed,Normal +44273,bugger it all good today might have to error check thing then,Normal +44274,currently wishing i could have more of the treacle sponge and custard that louise made me last night while watching order of the phoenix,Normal +44275,report from italy 9 death missing 00 injured italy earthquake via rai http tinyurl com c mja,Normal +44276,you know what suck finding out i have a burned out tail light when the store are closed plus they are not open before i work,Normal +44277,g day at the evil highschool right now,Normal +44278,rain ruined the malaysian gp not much fun neither any money from it,Normal +44279,ajiee thnx ajeng i will have to skip that class im totally unprepared,Normal +44280,on my way to chicago finally connecting through london now and will be home for measely day and then back out again,Normal +44281,maxime darn can t open it on my work computer not supposed to have fun at work but thanks anyway,Normal +44282,janelle i want a phone that i can fb m and twitter from,Normal +44283,keongzai assign someone else to do it or eff it and do it yourself,Normal +44284,off to the hospital soon kinda suck i m not allowed to eat anything x,Normal +44285,doesn t like how much uk postal price have just gone up now cost 0p more to mail a black velvet to usa rotw amp 0p uk,Normal +44286,day in york nice place photo coming soon feeling sick now though and i m back at work,Normal +44287,davenavarro wa wondering where you d been you ve been so quiet these day miss the chatty dave,Normal +44288,alystoe i hope you are okay,Normal +44289,is at work thinking how much graveyard shift sux,Normal +44290,last day of work before i go on holiday argh got fuck load to do,Normal +44291,i snickered for like twenty minute thinking that wa the awesomest name ever,Normal +44292,i don t know how to use this thing and my stupid picture won t upload,Normal +44293,madre is grinding on me this is gon na be a long week,Normal +44294,thomasgudgeon well yes shame that you can only get the plastic one for the first generation,Normal +44295,i think my tweetdeck is failing me,Normal +44296,it still hurt,Normal +44297,mckayla jb hey lol btw u know how to upload a picture i tried but it never show xo,Normal +44298,working at home,Normal +44299,it s sooo super duper cold,Normal +44300,misterskull awwwwww what a shame you re mile and mile away,Normal +44301,just spent the last half hour making a playlist for tonight it s going to be a long night,Normal +44302,nattnatt you doggie dazzler im trying to work a bit today if you want we coule pop ovr and say hi later,Normal +44303,oh but damn fried screwing up me lunch,Normal +44304,getting ready to leave cali i don quot t want to go home i wish i could just bring my kid here,Normal +44305,ha a math examen at o clock,Normal +44306,ryanseacrest tie bar i missed it on wednesday,Normal +44307,nickdawson hope your knee feel better quickly though after having been on it all night,Normal +44308,i am wondering why my lovely wife doesn t check or respond to my tweet,Normal +44309,but of course the document with the important table in it isn t published on the internet,Normal +44310,love is a joke with no punch line,Normal +44311,jona thin sorry must of left a corel install cd somewhere in you room then,Normal +44312,i went to get a coffee but the kid got to the milk before i did now i have a can of coke instead,Normal +44313,yoghurt overload,Normal +44314,orangeflowers me too it scary not the clutter but the unclean pain keep me awake lately but shld start subsiding in a wk or so,Normal +44315,good morning world s we got snow again,Normal +44316,throat killing me and missing gordon,Normal +44317,fighting off the hungries,Normal +44318,willie day can t sleep it and i have to be at work at 0 don t know what the problem is,Normal +44319,artemisiii aw sorry to hear that i don t know what i d do without jean in winter,Normal +44320,miss kabalin hate me,Normal +44321,stuffy nose it preventing me from sleep any remedy,Normal +44322,went to bed at pm and now wide awake at am i don t have to be to work until 0 this is going to be a long day,Normal +44323,rustyrockets i tnk you need to make me smile today because you never ever write back to me but you do to everyoneee else x,Normal +44324,itchy eye grass being cut oh oh,Normal +44325,my damn filling just fell out half of my tooth is gone,Normal +44326,daftasabat i needed a lie in lol i haven t slept for more than hour in a few day now it s killing me,Normal +44327,just watched grey s anatomy i cried i will be writing now i miss meg,Normal +44328,i hope not all is lost sigh,Normal +44329,going to look for curtain,Normal +44330,yesterday wa a bad day found bernie mac died last year where wa i,Normal +44331,is she still up is she is then u shud be online dunno how to find out,Normal +44332,outoutout dunno i ve emailed their website a amp r sent a tweet but no reply they ve probably got bored of fan remixers bugging them,Normal +44333,wishing i could get some sleep but that probably isn t going to happen tonight,Normal +44334,riry is being a pain and nomming on my hand should not have sprayed her with that cat nip mist a a joke now she is craaaazy,Normal +44335,silverlines aaaah jadi tiba pingin butter sugar toast huhuu,Normal +44336,thats messed up,Normal +44337,jennnnie yes and the next project s wool is hiding from me it wa there on friday when i went to craig s place,Normal +44338,why do those project report for school need so many word am 00 word short,Normal +44339,inspiredwriting i love how i can could easily read and tweed while working with twitter com i m reloading all the time,Normal +44340,teleken unfortunately i don t sorry hopefully you do find someone who can though,Normal +44341,hang on doe anyone use fax machine any more,Normal +44342,drjackdr oh did you see the disaster really an horrible situation,Normal +44343,just put a bid in for signed panic at the disco poster unfortunatly the fall out boy one is already over my limit,Normal +44344,antzpantz well i obviosuly missed evcery single one,Normal +44345,jordynhill oh i cic so much meaning to that ring but i have a feeling i d lose it,Normal +44346,lissie sorry just saw the post signed up even before i finished reading lol these guy are gold feel bad for those who paid 00,Normal +44347,i just did the sweetest ol boy he wa and telling me about when he wa in the war,Normal +44348,swellvintage a lot better today thanks unfortunately being sick did not mean loss of apetite for me x,Normal +44349,sminchin 9 sorry to hear you re unwell it s the school holiday syndrome again,Normal +44350,is waiting for the scrapper to come to pick up his old saab,Normal +44351,everyone hate me so much,Normal +44352,doe not know how he got home last night,Normal +44353,hour laying down on a flattened bean bag ftl,Normal +44354,and it wa a great song too,Normal +44355,ooo dr who is on in hd ok ok i m officially a sad techy geek,Normal +44356,valium i needz it,Normal +44357,septmourningm texas is far from phx lol what part,Normal +44358,luckyrivera and it wa a great song too,Normal +44359,ouch my toenail aaaaaaaa,Normal +44360,babysitting this morning stiil it s an excuse to watch the chute on cbbc,Normal +44361,man did i had a wacky dream this early morning loggin here look like at is spamming me with update,Normal +44362,i wa in such a good mood this morning now not so much anymore stupid work stupid cellphone provider,Normal +44363,i still cant understand linked in what sthe point of it again just got bakc from shoot bloody exhausted i need a hug,Normal +44364,forgot about shitty co op ugh,Normal +44365,is looking for a dress for her friend but can t find it,Normal +44366,enjoying lunch at the lake of constance uh that would be cool but impossible,Normal +44367,i really want a new job not particually a better one just a new one,Normal +44368,shaundiviney i want pizzaaaa,Normal +44369,window mobile doesnt allow me to write the stack pointer,Normal +44370,need to go and do some college work and then go to work having had no food,Normal +44371,terrible toothache feeling very grumpy hotel to write about in my work queue,Normal +44372,pypi fail installing markdown with pip and easy install downloads the python version,Normal +44373,y isnt it a sunny a yesterday,Normal +44374,deadline ahead,Normal +44375,karinhoegh so true i love frienfeed but there are so many cool apps out there that delivers value and so little time,Normal +44376,damn i m missing twitter have been very busy off late and have not got enuff time to be active on twitter missing all d action,Normal +44377,why must we continue to say hurtful thing when can we be at peace that s all i ve ever wanted grr,Normal +44378,savicevic aww i won t be that roommate next year,Normal +44379,bye every one im going to stop being a tfan i cant do this any more im a fan only becouse i want to date taryll and he dosent want me,Normal +44380,ianmack first season yes descended into creepy teen boy humour in season still lt mulder moody though,Normal +44381,iphoneincanada no wait their 0 cheaper package ha 0 more voice minute it s cheaper and substantially better messsedd upppp,Normal +44382,i suck at making jelly cakeeeee,Normal +44383,swati swati omg i missed you soo much have you heard the new jls song ahaa youre probs all jetlagged right now,Normal +44384,argh fantasy surfer carnage dane marlon amp nat c all out fantasysurfer,Normal +44385,feel slightly ill guess i shouldnt have eaten mc d after all,Normal +44386,awlred they dont exist however anodising service do exist so i could get it done,Normal +44387,wishing she hadnt drunk so mush yestaday,Normal +44388,i just got an amazing new pedal and i just blew both of my speaker,Normal +44389,i wish i wa in sydney,Normal +44390,craigelder proof reading defra greener living fund bid only a govt dept could have a grant application deadline this close to easter,Normal +44391,hairpin ohh how i envy you natalieeee i need a new wardrobe and something to wear out the weekend after this,Normal +44392,anothera,Normal +44393,swati yeah i havnt got any crad unlimited to text call either suck will catch up with you today sometime xxxxx,Normal +44394,is sad coz alison s leaving england to france tonight,Normal +44395,need a mouse look like my lappy s touch pad is giving up na http plurk com p n0ni,Normal +44396,what do u do when u find out that the person u supported and stood behind since day tell u that in the past they tried to blow u off,Normal +44397,off out to doctor appointment,Normal +44398,nasa lost raw footage from the apollo mission http www wired com wired archive 0 nasa html,Normal +44399,winter is slowly creeping into cape town not looking forward to it,Normal +44400,cheekybeer document management system always a good idea although rarely seems to happen in practice,Normal +44401,i hate this time i am super bored but everyone is sleeping,Normal +44402,about to ge ready for work a i have a 9 hour shift ahead of me x,Normal +44403,greyhoundgal omg front page i d be so excited congratulation sorry about torres hurting his paw tho is that your dog,Normal +44404,i m so tired for no reason other than going to bed late and sleeping in lately it make me angry,Normal +44405,denpasar good luck look forward to the update run not an option in this wind seriously blowing a real gale,Normal +44406,last day at lshs tomorrow,Normal +44407,can t smell tyson any more,Normal +44408,wish twitter had a translator twitter just hasn t caught on in the southern hemisphere yet they ll get there aventually i guess,Normal +44409,christinastokes is sh working for you for me it say that the website is down,Normal +44410,alone at the office,Normal +44411,j xox ohh i hope so not stopin till i get a reply lol i wunder if marvs read all the v lyric haha i can imagine his nxt blog about it,Normal +44412,kleinjinx it seems like my in law are coming over easter we will have to meet another time,Normal +44413,my camera spoil,Normal +44414,sooo not motivated to do work,Normal +44415,it still wont let me log in i know my user s thier co anth sent me a friend request,Normal +44416,is still waiting for a dispatch and just got up about an hour ago after sleeping hour guess i ll go back to bed,Normal +44417,going to sleep have a busy day going to meeting and stuff miss my girl shes in switzerland,Normal +44418,marthagonemad agreed i wish it could just be pure and easy fun,Normal +44419,urgh my head hurt think i ve had about hour sleep but the cat wa miaowing no rest for the wicked,Normal +44420,one hour late bad plumber,Normal +44421,i really wish i wa 00 better so i could be 00 awesome at work,Normal +44422,i better be allowed to go to sway sway baby concert or i ll seriously cry,Normal +44423,silverlines tadi di pim udah sempet lirik mesra tapi baru abis makan definitely putting it in my agenda next time i go to pim,Normal +44424,marley and me i am cry like a kid but a good movie have a good night people,Normal +44425,i ve lost my favourite mac lipgloss i m so upset about it i never lose thing,Normal +44426,pretty sure everything electrical in my house is slowly dying on me like i have enough money to replace all my stuff,Normal +44427,bed is painfully tempting right now but if i take a nap i ll probably wake up at pm,Normal +44428,is frustrated that rudd cant facilitate private enterprise investing in our broadband infrastructure instead he need to waste our money,Normal +44429,mercygrl oh wow a little chubster you cant invite ppl to play uno on facebook at the moment,Normal +44430,i want ffxii really bad i never got a chance to play it,Normal +44431,in the garage getting an estimate for the wheel damage on my car from sunday s little mishap not looking good,Normal +44432,bah hairline fracture in the impellor hub titsuptuesday,Normal +44433,morning everyone bad dream woke me up,Normal +44434,meatrack no more sneaky late arvo surf now man i feel the late arvo glass off is now a distant memory of summer,Normal +44435,can t sleep i have to wake up in hour,Normal +44436,samdj 0 unfortunately it didn t work but thanks for the advice i am bed ridden today,Normal +44437,dear fbdimms please give me my gb of memory back i used to have running 90 full crippled pc,Normal +44438,searching for a job in berlin in summer time don t speak german,Normal +44439,piccy coming soon off to watch 90 0 god i wan na move to america soo baadd,Normal +44440,oh no it s a harrod day now i really will be sick,Normal +44441,tombot never mind it didn t work anyway,Normal +44442,ha been sick and her back is veryyy bad watching american history x wan na watch american beauty though buy it meeee,Normal +44443,entered a online poker tournement against 9 others finished th,Normal +44444,isnt very happy with twitter at the moment wont let me upload my picture wishing dougie or tom would reply to me,Normal +44445,trying to extend reading the watchman by not reading it at all i dont want it to end,Normal +44446,lucygooesy haha nice barbie backgroud he still hasnt replied lol,Normal +44447,well it sunny outside but im stuck indoors far far away from a window roll on dinner,Normal +44448,rhinecruise09 you re absolutely right,Normal +44449,back to bed for me,Normal +44450,i have failed you martha,Normal +44451,i don t want to be a grown up yet,Normal +44452,a usual cooking what i hate,Normal +44453,incredibly immensely indecisive,Normal +44454,so my wish didn t come true go to hell carolina,Normal +44455,yay am and not a bit tired,Normal +44456,boagworld the profile picture make a happy return i think i need a new promo picture,Normal +44457,fairy0 omg wtf sure he talk now i m at school i don t have a phone,Normal +44458,moony 9 i ll miss him too bb the episode seemed unimportant after foreteen found kutner so i stopped watching,Normal +44459,except for the fact jw stuff is out and it rock shame i m skint,Normal +44460,taitaisanchez omg i know i am so sad,Normal +44461,ternyata hanya gue yang make twitter,Normal +44462,being in pain a i have done my back in,Normal +44463,hippychick clarkes shoe don t fir her they don t go small enough for her foot we have to go to specialist shoe shop,Normal +44464,off to work ahhhh such is life for the poor amp unknown wa thinking earlier how much loot that miley cyrus ha at age,Normal +44465,sitting seb and waiting for hour bad customer service,Normal +44466,finally wrapped my body ha literally broken down this evening in bed return of super fever,Normal +44467,yuddylicious he hatez me,Normal +44468,i really should be sleeping already but just can t seem to get to bed before the sun come up progress on sorting out life is slow hard,Normal +44469,jjprojects maybe a broken mbp from ebay one with a broken screen or something good luck,Normal +44470,no o gprs anyone else with issue,Normal +44471,ryuoky no sun here and i wa hoping to sit out on the balcony,Normal +44472,the maine please out me to sleep i have test in the morning,Normal +44473,want to buy big bang theory on dvd byeeee x,Normal +44474,fucking boredom make me wan na go have a smoke,Normal +44475,kimberley lol awww i want a cuddle now you almost made my eye leak love you too lt,Normal +44476,sleep for now then get up in hour then a very busy week aghhhhh,Normal +44477,phil hellmuth so sad,Normal +44478,my cousin can t stop playing frozen bubble twisted amp resco bubble bye bye n see you after a week or two,Normal +44479,pure hurt my neck at the gym,Normal +44480,work time,Normal +44481,i m not ready for school yet,Normal +44482,today s plan driving back to vienna spring cleaning in my flat,Normal +44483,hippydi that s sad,Normal +44484,suck when you know you haven t done anything wrong but it feel like you have,Normal +44485,dian yach i would love to swim but don t know how,Normal +44486,mmmm i want eatser show on the th not th this is bad for me maddie d,Normal +44487,today i m really amazed scared by how many basic error i find on e commerce website wrong error message no loading icon etc,Normal +44488,why won t twitter let me change my picture,Normal +44489,zoeaimee i m trying to research some dude for my english assignment that is due tomorrow and my internet keep freezing and won t load,Normal +44490,just got up pshhh going on the trampoline even though i am all sore,Normal +44491,homework,Normal +44492,pmarnandus re daily gossip well the twitter gossip are mostly from e online which i can not access,Normal +44493,http twitpic com y bg this is ashley from kick s afternoon show he s not impressed with the twitter,Normal +44494,islandiva i sent u a tweet yesterday but i don t know why it didn t work i guess you re sleeping right now i am working soon noon,Normal +44495,english revision class,Normal +44496,laptop died on me yesterday have to reinstall but it the perfect time to try out window beta,Normal +44497,finalising annual report for 00 ugh,Normal +44498,hr need to go by quick,Normal +44499,shannanstedman haha i got to be up at and sit through a hr mass umm like ish is that alright is that too late,Normal +44500,ha got to go into college today in the holiday,Normal +44501,dg ball yeah if you get spraying i m going to have to pay you to spray my m at some point they dont to e m s in white in europe,Normal +44502,nathnaelb i would love to be ill next week dude but no pay,Normal +44503,vixen not so innocent after all,Normal +44504,what happened to last night s twit they ve gone and run away,Normal +44505,benjaminreid your internet still down o,Normal +44506,think she is going to be at this traffic light all night haha,Normal +44507,edict just been announced no social networking using the office system ok tweet this then evening chap,Normal +44508,bored in tec,Normal +44509,spitorswallow wish i could but the season don t change day of the year,Normal +44510,heyxboxlive probably shouldn t mention any show with drew carey considering what he s done to major nelson,Normal +44511,man im too fucked to be in work,Normal +44512,still in the business plan meeting too many back to back presentation,Normal +44513,sitting outside doctor s surgery so it s my turn now bah what a holiday,Normal +44514,donniesbabe well it pishing here sun look like it want to break through hope it dows kid doing my head in,Normal +44515,finally home sooo tired,Normal +44516,omg breech again sob,Normal +44517,whitout friend,Normal +44518,is piss off leg foot in load of pain running from a old man who tryed too trash our tent o,Normal +44519,not going swimming,Normal +44520,jaska some thing they just never get old http tinyurl com holdisgiantcherry i miss maya,Normal +44521,want to go shopping,Normal +44522,making a short video window movie maker ha crashed for 0th time but my middle name is perseverence p should finish the video soon,Normal +44523,dougiemcfly tommcfly good morning guy how are you all you know it s frustrating i never get a reply,Normal +44524,jardinjaponais hug i hope your day get better cell phone provider are made of suck,Normal +44525,rode river circuit asthma hit hard o too wet to mow amazed or amused that w pac cr limit raised celebrated with cole shop etc,Normal +44526,s favourite youtube clip lightning mcqueen singing quot barbie girl quot ha been taken down,Normal +44527,big blue wolf not yet no doubt i ll get a chance to until tonight work s mental thanks to bt cutting off 0 000 customer today,Normal +44528,twitter wa down when i went to bed last night but now it back and so am i,Normal +44529,try to use skimmer by fallon for the first time like the overwiev and style would be cool ig you could browse the photo,Normal +44530,livinginfiction outdoors man can t get to the gym this week no time no time dinner soon babe early next week or brunch sunday,Normal +44531,dramaa assignmenting is gay too sick but i have to do it,Normal +44532,jetshun person who read my twitter can t catch up for another week can t talk about it here but yeah saaaaad,Normal +44533,redtoffee strawberry is the absolute best angel delight eva i had chocolate once but it wa too sweet,Normal +44534,marissamonotony why,Normal +44535,re 0 congrats bella miss you,Normal +44536,first cold night of the year,Normal +44537,my friend coco chris had a party this weekend and it seemed to have been awesome fail i wasnae there,Normal +44538,hasnt done any work oh well,Normal +44539,my msn hate my gut i wanted to go out tonight,Normal +44540,my dog passed away in the night full on gutted,Normal +44541,mum just called now my sister is in hospital,Normal +44542,still at work,Normal +44543,still stuck with the microsoft specialist won t this day ever end,Normal +44544,off to bed damn end of daylight saving mean my son will be awake at 0am,Normal +44545,a day of nothing bliss miss my boy tho,Normal +44546,tonight s episode of house incredibly sad and it ha nothing to do with meatloaf s usual bad acting,Normal +44547,why is it so hot today,Normal +44548,playing pkr online poker and ha a headache,Normal +44549,is pissed off running from that old man who tried too trash our tent ha left me with the battle womb,Normal +44550,elanorelle niceee we ran out of filter coffee art work not good forgot my bread to make toast bad start to the day,Normal +44551,alessandrod dude hope you guy are alright except the home car,Normal +44552,what a lousy day buh,Normal +44553,rakeman it wa in the 0 f just last week,Normal +44554,just violated the tuner rule dont buy non performance part sorry ima buy the air filter next time,Normal +44555,robabanks i can t sleep either,Normal +44556,i have the flu,Normal +44557,theonewithkatie please i need someone to go to it with me,Normal +44558,chrisdjmoyles didnt get ticket live in mk gutted xx,Normal +44559,deemaah but i offered to clean twice,Normal +44560,pinkiecharm sorry you musta got a bit sick of my dance tweet sorry to have you unfollow me,Normal +44561,can t get past in flight control http twitpic com y f,Normal +44562,morning good mood bad pain lovely day for staying in bed again,Normal +44563,is a twitter loner,Normal +44564,i can t breatheee i hate being sick,Normal +44565,it is snowing in tennessee too,Normal +44566,dreadkey i m k o d battered and bruised my arm the tambourine self conflicted pain,Normal +44567,i have to wake up in hour laameeee,Normal +44568,my interwebs is so fraked up that i can google map something on my iphone bar gprs no g faster than my 0mbps cable connection,Normal +44569,isn t feeling well still don t get why people say they re pregnancy is the most beautifull time of they re life,Normal +44570,sam piroton hope so i don t have an iphone lauraoliver,Normal +44571,what is this i feel hotter i m sicker than ever,Normal +44572,xguccishoesx seems tony is away in sheffield,Normal +44573,moony 9 huggggs i m glad you re here to help me through this he wa my favourite character the white house suck for stealing him,Normal +44574,tomorrow is another day damn tomorrow is already today,Normal +44575,watching realkidpoker daniel negreanu lose 0 000 in four hour real time via twitter he s losing it,Normal +44576,anticipating a slow empty boring summer,Normal +44577,is off to italy today no more starcraft for a couple of week though,Normal +44578,awake why can t i sleep got to work am hour,Normal +44579,karen 0 more shopping sound like a terrible plan hope you are not dragging your brother with you this time p,Normal +44580,dannymcfly haha tell me about it i dont get it either x,Normal +44581,jaredleto i can t sleep i need to work on my speech about huka and youth i hope i get the 0 full mark,Normal +44582,janinesd no i m poor i am not an rn yet so i still have mobi lol,Normal +44583,my search deck on tweetdeck are not working since yesterday anyone else have this problem,Normal +44584,smashleypants awwwww virtual flower chocolate hug and kiss lt,Normal +44585,im awake people got nothing to do today probably watch tv and get rid of all my program on sky planner the joy not,Normal +44586,out of stock on xbox 0 limied edition red elite at the moment i must have one http twitpic com y g0,Normal +44587,morning all gave the cat his tablet this morning what a mission that is he know what we re up to now and prepares for battle,Normal +44588,nicholasbraun aww no fair you didn t check the pic i sent you,Normal +44589,heidimontag we don t get to see season of hill till may,Normal +44590,driving to my parent and chilling with them well the sun is shining but i don t feel so well today,Normal +44591,davidt 00 virgin again today i m afraid a i m pushed for time having said that i wa delayed 0 min at brum,Normal +44592,ha the biggest headache but a second job woo,Normal +44593,can t wait for bring me the horizonnn too bad curtis ward is not in the band anymore,Normal +44594,no that s not him in the picture i don t have any pic yet,Normal +44595,working rite now but have a massive headache building and feeling very sick,Normal +44596,darkened jade yep work started badly and ha gone rapidly downhill story of my life to be honest,Normal +44597,have to work on homework tmrw,Normal +44598,moony 9 lol ugh that s so ominous i hope i don t have to cry over idol this week too fox hate me,Normal +44599,mistystilletto if it had happened to anyone else i would have peed myself laughing i scraped my leg,Normal +44600,reldred yes babypunch is totally addictive,Normal +44601,i m yet thinking of earthquake in abruzzo italy,Normal +44602,think i need to start buying and using wrinkle cream,Normal +44603,oh man i can t find a tenori on anywhere what am i going to do,Normal +44604,it really annoys me when i m on msn on my 0 late at night watching a dvd and i fall asleep inadvertently damn it lukey,Normal +44605,finally home now so hungry and now one is home,Normal +44606,suppose i should start revision and stop putting this morning session off tweet soon,Normal +44607,britneyspears just read up about the film look good although we over here are gon na have to wait for it to come out,Normal +44608,getsmart u watching loser i wan na cry for sean,Normal +44609,want someone to come back,Normal +44610,wishing i hadnt skipped breakfast this morning hungry,Normal +44611,jamsandwich i wa sniffling for the first time this year at am today crappy isn t it,Normal +44612,jsparsons i am starting my prep for the pmp exam tomorrow can relate the feeling,Normal +44613,izzy artest miss you too it s been too long come back,Normal +44614,wa going to make a site update twitter account but nahh it won t work,Normal +44615,gaaa i want some peace and quiet hard to find wen living with people living in a small bedroom unit,Normal +44616,am gutted checked weather report for the wrong day no fishing for me today,Normal +44617,cadelofficial http twitpic com ved i love mountain but i live in belgium,Normal +44618,look like baby is going to be born in pi,Normal +44619,might go hiking in the big thicket in a couple week what monster are supposed to be in this area chupacabra i hope not,Normal +44620,why are there kid show on pb right now it supposed to be nature,Normal +44621,i suck at french,Normal +44622,cynnergies yep i also seem to get a real slowdown most evening after around pm gmt,Normal +44623,all work and no play doe not a happy linda make can t wait for the holiday,Normal +44624,hate his pill oh god why do they have to taste so fuckin horrible 0 liter of coke to flush them down isnt even enough,Normal +44625,rainarcher can only fit people max and it full otherwise you know it would be yours sowwi,Normal +44626,masterballerina haha but then u d have go to cambeltown omg i can t even draw well in inkart,Normal +44627,i always get insomnia at the most inopportune time,Normal +44628,you ve all failed me,Normal +44629,i can t enjoy the weather,Normal +44630,i am officially alone on my twitter,Normal +44631,ive been awake for so long it feel about pm meh,Normal +44632,stevenghysel that seems to be a problem with twitter s timestamps not much we can do about it,Normal +44633,well this day i would like to go out in the sun instead of sitting here looking at excel,Normal +44634,when i get mine i m going to do a tour of copenhagen with it hmmph i can t top that must get thinking http tinyurl com c trgj,Normal +44635,just finished watching the new hero episode god i can t wait for next week episode hero ftw,Normal +44636,work is dragging pretty tired only got about and a half hour sleep,Normal +44637,urg cold suck,Normal +44638,fta anyone heard about this wondering if anyone is carrying voom anymore or are they pretty much dead http tinyurl com ca z j,Normal +44639,is happy because i annihilated a baby huntsman in my kitchen with the cooking pan however this mean a mama one may be in hiding fuck,Normal +44640,about to go looking for shoe for my brother looking forward to torquay in april not a sunny a yesterday here,Normal +44641,just woke up late again i wa supposed to wake up at am cause there are lot of thing to do late homework mostly,Normal +44642,is boarding ek a usual no upgrade from ek colombo,Normal +44643,missed some good oppertunities,Normal +44644,moony 9 it must be because i slash their character sighhh gon na go sleep and dream happy thing about kutner,Normal +44645,baby a bit sick poor honey having a relaxing day otherwise in israel enjoying all the fam,Normal +44646,best birthday ever untill the house sold,Normal +44647,nothing worse than planning on going to the mall with no money damn unheavens dunk,Normal +44648,doe not want co worker s various lurgies,Normal +44649,jambothejourno i am indeed the one with my rlc interview in good stuff thought i d finally found something no one else had,Normal +44650,linkedin is being really mongy for me tonight in fact it ha just sat spinning doing nothing a few time recently,Normal +44651,working too need a break too,Normal +44652,what a mistake buying that dress i dont even want to go to grad anymore,Normal +44653,is back in byron bay cafe fresh missing all my melbourne friend,Normal +44654,muzzzza ur a bad a kateedwards,Normal +44655,tombot oh dear that mean i won t be driven away to do something more productive,Normal +44656,bugger the spray paint just showed up i spose that mean no riding and doing work for me now sad day,Normal +44657,got up an hou ago now lerning again really boring stuff,Normal +44658,leepeesa story of my life stop looking and icaisfrank come again what is this i read about a vet visit memory photo may help,Normal +44659,lwmedium it is apparently the chinese government put pressure on the sa one not to let him in whole peace conference wa canceled,Normal +44660,nothin like throwin up on your customer front door,Normal +44661,j xox laterr hunn arghh hope i dont miss any tweet lol gunna be at my nan later nooo byeeee x x x,Normal +44662,xissyx we can t go to robina all the shop will be closed because it good friday,Normal +44663,acummings i ve got return ticket booked for this weekend if the exchange rate wasn t so bad i d go but don t mind missing it really,Normal +44664,laying in bed and contemplating the meaning of life with a half empty glass that is leaking on the bottom,Normal +44665,something s wrong i keep getting some error graphic instead of the music player when i go to a musician s myspace page now,Normal +44666,not good munchkinster is not feeling well,Normal +44667,carobode i m starting to have an headache too am school amp i m so sleepy got work do this am,Normal +44668,holmpat morning pat another one in sunny spain except it not sunny here today cloudy and raining,Normal +44669,the mighty tap are doing a one date world tour but i will have a newborn http news bbc co uk hi entertainment 9 stm,Normal +44670,ahhh my webcam is messed up and won t turn on,Normal +44671,fragilemuse the book is awesome there are some other great work in there too couldn t afford to buy it today tho,Normal +44672,andrewwright yeah that s what i wa thinking would love to get your feedback on my creative will dm you when dentist ha finished,Normal +44673,big capacious wooden kitchen island 0x 0 metric thought i wa buying it but we re not photo amp c on request if you re interested,Normal +44674,i just grew another chin,Normal +44675,i m in a confused state whether to implement a tab interface in the application currently i m working in,Normal +44676,my sister s kitty eva had three baby kitten yesterday but something is wrong with her and need to go to the vet,Normal +44677,captainjohnhart most people don t realise how much they d miss it if they couldn t do it any more,Normal +44678,germ damn it it s so true i need help,Normal +44679,need a ride to work im not liking the pospect of the bus,Normal +44680,drinking milk being on youtube lonely emiliiee,Normal +44681,fadyanwar it sad cause that wa the last gsm company owned by egyptian also orascom wa inforced to sell it share to fc,Normal +44682,read a word he didn t know and felt his brain preparing to go for the way controller before remembering that real book don t have them,Normal +44683,it bad that we cant buy it here,Normal +44684,these day i don t feel like twittering don t know why,Normal +44685,man i want some nike air yeezy s but a i don t live in state have no chance in hell ahh well spend the 00 on pair of sb s instead,Normal +44686,frankfurt three time but i dont understand it,Normal +44687,three day since my last tweet and no concern i could have been dead peep the reality is i forgot my password,Normal +44688,cocoy a person who s genuinely interested in english filipino programming and teaching should make that paper oh wait that s me,Normal +44689,jonpaulkaiser i m probably worse than you lol so sorry these photo are seriously long overdue last time i buy a sony cam rubbish,Normal +44690,deemaah but i thought i did not my fault that you dont pay attention to my genitals,Normal +44691,overheardatmoo wish i could have participated this time,Normal +44692,oh i received an answer for a ticket that is month old this is really really fast cob ticket,Normal +44693,i just found out i wa unsuccessful in applying for the hampshire probation job fb,Normal +44694,claire s will you be videoing or streaming or podcasting tweeting or anything else can t make it unfortunately,Normal +44695,ha got work again today,Normal +44696,ollyog well not far from the station by the look of it just head there i m actually jealous would love to be in belgium right now,Normal +44697,insomnia kickin in i hate this,Normal +44698,laura no im not we are gunna go this hols though i really want to see him,Normal +44699,dropped one of the earbuds of my sennheiser in my tea i really hope it gon na work again,Normal +44700,ugh coffee please being at work at is not good for my brain it is now officialy melting,Normal +44701,ambermatson it s terrible isn t it don t expect many earthquake in euruope certainly not bad one,Normal +44702,binncheol you should listen to some music by this dude called andy hull and afew other bloke i even hear they re playing ldn tomorrow,Normal +44703,no snoo snoo for you,Normal +44704,the computer might be operational but there still isn t much to do,Normal +44705,i think the wifi on my iphone is broken it will quot connect quot but when i actually have to use it that s another story,Normal +44706,lejeff oh pant i m hanging out with the old folk back in england defo b up when i get back tho,Normal +44707,watching death race found out sandra cantu is dead,Normal +44708,pizza night and i feel too sick,Normal +44709,is playing basketball today lol i wan na go to the pub,Normal +44710,frumiousme t wa the antibiotic for root canal will take polaramine tonight for hive other symptom have gone now thank goodness,Normal +44711,is not impressed with the rain i wanted to go market shopping bleh,Normal +44712,choadmalma i wish i could link thing a good a you,Normal +44713,yep it s been week a lady at our church is watching her,Normal +44714,darraghdoyle ah pox say it isn t so,Normal +44715,it s raining outside look like snow but it s raining,Normal +44716,mousenator cry,Normal +44717,andy cyrus im still awake too lol cant sleep glad your up tho,Normal +44718,kellymreynolds yep it s been week a lady at our church is watching her,Normal +44719,jasonvonberg i ve advertised on our blog through career site and used agency not sure how else i can go about it,Normal +44720,iamnipper last week they ve got the bike minus a saddle,Normal +44721,justagirl 9 that s great about your license wish you d got the rest of it back,Normal +44722,pissed coz a friend is to busy to see me day,Normal +44723,coffee is turning into starbucks feral child wise,Normal +44724,achmadsirman yeah i am infact the spray paint is for the mutt i got real delayed with some problem so not finished either yet,Normal +44725,at my mama ji s place everybody keep giving me new option to study or work now i get more confused with each passing day,Normal +44726,axon those got cancelled now everybody else is rattling my brain amp makin me cuss something terrible,Normal +44727,tiredd nothing to do today,Normal +44728,gvenk thanks alexandernl sorry,Normal +44729,mew today is a prescribed opiate day me think grr,Normal +44730,ladybug damn i missed out why didn t you invite me,Normal +44731,rellyab will likely be unable to attend cry all the way home,Normal +44732,spanx except i missed last week s lee and now it s gone from iplayer,Normal +44733,jamrock where did top cat go,Normal +44734,ha got a cold coming how shite,Normal +44735,kev nz lol better let aboy0 know if he s doing the deploy before his 9 0 bedtime hope you are feeling better being sick sux,Normal +44736,not able to sleep,Normal +44737,that wa it folk spring s gone and winter is back it s snowing outside,Normal +44738,pissed coz a friend is too busy to see me day,Normal +44739,bradqb i know the feeling man just lay low for a while some people are just like that,Normal +44740,weather cloudy again everyday same time rainy,Normal +44741,is revising,Normal +44742,catvix i am news to me and sorry to hear about the job,Normal +44743,red jaguar blue barracuda green monkey orange iguana purple parrot and silver snake remember legend of the hiddent temple,Normal +44744,hairpin haha well what make you think you don t use big word too sadistic p what did i say any way and no i don t sorry babe,Normal +44745,frumph i d hug you too poor frumph,Normal +44746,andre riue on neighbour what ha the world come to internet down lol,Normal +44747,look like rain today bet it bucket down a soon a i step outside front door always the way downhill all the way from today,Normal +44748,renee okie dokie do you wan na ask ash and tegan and yasmin i asked nicole but she said she cant,Normal +44749,coughing up a lung again i ve had this on and off since xmas,Normal +44750,ive got a poorly tongue after i burnt it on my chilli last night had a lovely day yday to thanks guy,Normal +44751,im up guy lloll,Normal +44752,odo snape maven owwie the dictation software won t pick up whispering eh i know meleney ha it but dunno how good sound pickup is,Normal +44753,lauraechilds fine i wont make it up to you check your dm,Normal +44754,quite sick going to doctor now,Normal +44755,bad day,Normal +44756,taking the rent to the airport not excited about being up this early have to go to work at,Normal +44757,just poked herself in the eye the mascara but i love mascara it a god sent,Normal +44758,michatagana shame what s wrong,Normal +44759,i ve just got my streetcar essay back from jerry and it still no good ah man this is gon na be a bad day,Normal +44760,tonight episode of house wa sad i can t believe he left the show i can t stay awake anymore i m mad tired had a long day sleep time,Normal +44761,it s and i ve been sitting around barely watching i m not there i really wanted to see that movie but i keep getting distracted,Normal +44762,last day at home today catching the train at 0am tomorrow ha been a nice break but now i need some breakfast a shower and a shave,Normal +44763,ha a poorly cat at home i want to be their to hold her fur back and pas her tissue,Normal +44764,chester see yes i often take the risk of running down the dlr step but today i just missed that last step and twisted my ankle,Normal +44765,why doe it take so long to go through one lecture which only took min to give and it s sunny outside someone is mocking me,Normal +44766,another assignment to be done an dinner with dad tomoz,Normal +44767,jenmcj will check it out just want a couple to read while away new one at liquid silver just some good read read some rubbish lately,Normal +44768,working but looking ward thailand and this week bank holiday weekend,Normal +44769,ewww cooky and cola dont mix well together my tummy hurt now,Normal +44770,childrensjewell so damn annoying when that happens isn t it hope she doesn t copy your work,Normal +44771,eminem we made you is gawbage rosci imma cop asher roth s album instead fuck em on his quot as like that quot flow,Normal +44772,beeen awake for awile sick,Normal +44773,mokshjuneja yesh it s a bank holiday but everyone else is working train traffic everything screwed a usual,Normal +44774,bleh i strongly dislike working at am everyday,Normal +44775,headache still a little sleepy i miss ma babyy soo damn much right noww wakee upp,Normal +44776,flight of the conchords album ha vanished from spotify what give spotify com,Normal +44777,leahearnshaw awww i m sorry,Normal +44778,spring is finally here cherry blossom galore such a shame they are so temporary,Normal +44779,head got bashed by a door today,Normal +44780,milkymoomoo yuk end of year account i need to make a start of mine too,Normal +44781,this is amazing but i can only get word per minute http play typeracer com,Normal +44782,flowersophy i slept so much when i wa a little girl i just started to not sleep a well when i turned 0,Normal +44783,why do friend feast while you are on fast,Normal +44784,bored of sims for today still thinking of a name for me and luke youtube account to post our awesome new vid on idea people,Normal +44785,i want to be trendy,Normal +44786,tierd whats pt swagger mean i love the sound of it,Normal +44787,feel like i have neglected twilight im sorry lol,Normal +44788,katestar oh yes extremely fun when whoever you talk to actually doesn t want to talk to you i m so lonely,Normal +44789,added the dns system compatibility is okay and am looking forward to the possibility now open but i need to rework the intro sequence,Normal +44790,no cold water tap in our bathroom i miss my cold water,Normal +44791,another shoe throwing incident journalist jarnail singh threw a shoe at home minister chidambaram bt missed target,Normal +44792,broke my tooth yesterday it feel like it s spilt in half,Normal +44793,wonginator i wish i wa on spring break,Normal +44794,theresaxo i still can t believe you have to move i will be over after work to help paint aww rip your walllllll,Normal +44795,justanotherjerk i wan na c quot no doubt quot soooo bad,Normal +44796,aw snapcase arent getting back together i must have dreamt it,Normal +44797,jonathanrknight you sure did do some tweet and i missed them glad to see you re enjoying urself always nice to hear from you x,Normal +44798,wishing we had fast internet now not in year http bit ly i oi,Normal +44799,getting ready for work 0,Normal +44800,stooopppiddd abbey national i need to get dosh out and it blooming shut,Normal +44801,imagethief i know where you found that but your url is so much tinier than mine,Normal +44802,finding it incredibly unfair that mom got more tan than i even though i spent more time in the sun miss him like crazy,Normal +44803,dr black yes i wa invited but will be in san francisco very sorry to miss it,Normal +44804,my dota ladder stats on garena don t seem to have been updated,Normal +44805,leanne is angry at me,Normal +44806,michatagana ahh i m sorry there s a nasty virus going around apparently shame atagana,Normal +44807,amber i don t know how often you check this but i really miss you right now like really really so friggen much i want a hug lt beth gt,Normal +44808,ate too many oreo yesterday feel very sick today,Normal +44809,mauricedb i tried the sitecom one to but felt to toy like,Normal +44810,i will never like getting up at am dumb work schedule,Normal +44811,need cuddling now,Normal +44812,http tr im imov i b c h i tho i th l gi t cu c i r i m nh v n c n nh c i nh t p th b t c a b c ch tr i,Normal +44813,awww my whitestrips are not staying on,Normal +44814,soluna is slower than accord,Normal +44815,contendo shit that s horrible poor kid,Normal +44816,btw eventbox is available for free on macheist for every visitor unfortunately i switched to tweetdeck http macheist com,Normal +44817,my back is in bit,Normal +44818,hmm so the sun shining brightly thru my curtain lit up my room n woke me up cnt sleep nw 0 is way too early to wake up,Normal +44819,hate math tuition on a holiday wanted to sync my i pod with the latest track nd podcasts will have to wait until im bck fb,Normal +44820,v a b d y kh i gi ng m t qu,Normal +44821,garcevisage aww did your mic work at all,Normal +44822,gemmaface awww gemma i hope you re not,Normal +44823,where s my search bar how come aoife got one and i didn t twitter must like her better than me,Normal +44824,suilin nobuuuuuuu you evil evil girl,Normal +44825,i wish i were playing reindeer game up at fowler,Normal +44826,trying to write an essay in english painful,Normal +44827,missymoouk oh no i know i haven t cried that much since wham split up,Normal +44828,mommy is school closed today,Normal +44829,westendactress nooo u shudent have deleted it x,Normal +44830,kaitlinmonroe aw that sound so fun i m so bummed that i missed it did you get to meet anyone,Normal +44831,trying to check my phone bill online seems like it doesn t like me though,Normal +44832,manu ginobili is out for the rest of the season and the playoff,Normal +44833,yeh totally dig firebug but enuff is enuff gon na start using safari charles ditch ff and see how debugging go too many ff crash,Normal +44834,sad movie make me think of thing that i don t really wan na think about,Normal +44835,i wish there wa something for dinner,Normal +44836,im up i slept an hour last night death,Normal +44837,off to pick up the dog doctor s note and back to work,Normal +44838,just been given ma marching order got ta go do some work yay,Normal +44839,moving moving moving keep those box moving rawhide think i ve gone delirious from moving,Normal +44840,why is change by pac not on itunes boo,Normal +44841,ugh stupid bug in spamassassin rule qa backend discovered it s going to take some fixing at some point adding to the todo list,Normal +44842,babyvtec yeah hw,Normal +44843,handyman just cancelled on me,Normal +44844,hi twiitters i ammm sooooo tired right nowwww falling asleep on msn i am thinking a le lazy day today p xx,Normal +44845,fed up of being ill,Normal +44846,wow everyone ha abandoned twitter,Normal +44847,just been given ma marching order got ta go do some work yay,Normal +44848,andrerib oh today it is not possible for me family matter but i will try to attend next,Normal +44849,gd mornin world i hav a cold my throat is burnin,Normal +44850,morning people away to get some breakfast and then sort myself out and then must start on hwm no lazing about today xx,Normal +44851,guess i should go to bed have to be up in hour haven t been able to sleep lately too stressed about website not being done yet,Normal +44852,aventure that s window for you i get to deal with about 0 window server and 0 window machine misbehaving every day shoot me,Normal +44853,babyvtec geez it s so late for you good luck at work tomorrow i am soooo knackered too love you,Normal +44854,just been given ma marching order got ta go do some work yay,Normal +44855,danaeatsyou hahaha im sorry i didnt mean to and you re supposed to film the day of silly thats cheating doing it the day before,Normal +44856,donniewahlberg wise word but life sometimes doesn t work out a you plan life ha a habit of kicking you when you re down,Normal +44857,gosh it is raining in summer cause of the global warming,Normal +44858,pigman i love the cooler trenchcoat weather but dnw the darker evening a it s scary to run at night,Normal +44859,i close my eye nd i see your face whens it gon na stop sigh time,Normal +44860,i have packed off hubby to bristol missing him already,Normal +44861,doing homework,Normal +44862,hopeok but i will be soon dy,Normal +44863,rustyrockets i ll give you a fiver towards the fine not much but im skint from paying for al darling eyebrow waxing,Normal +44864,hmm a request for me to feature an app on my site from a quot merketing specialist quot sic addressed to quot dear editor quot oh dear,Normal +44865,nishitd no i missed everything onwards stupid work getting in the way of tennis,Normal +44866,thought this being a day week would make tuesday more bearable i wa wrong,Normal +44867,i m more tired than a very tired thing today,Normal +44868,mark mulligan exactly that wa the core of my concept for virgin just a shame the money ran out before we could realise it,Normal +44869,jonathanchong i could do with a long week,Normal +44870,ambermatson yes seems to have been much worse than normal over past few month,Normal +44871,just found the most gorgeous pair of vintage dior sunglass they are though,Normal +44872,i am a work martyr give me chocolate coffee and sympathy and now my cat s decided she s dying,Normal +44873,nothing much not well in bed all day,Normal +44874,looking at the rain fall in rotterdam,Normal +44875,eoghanquigg wish i could but i m no where near belfast love the new song btw,Normal +44876,fever ha started anyone have any miracle cure for a cold,Normal +44877,i have just really really splattered the bowl,Normal +44878,why do most video i play skip and jump,Normal +44879,is hungover and just want to stay in bed all day,Normal +44880,i just set up a twitter profile for one of my colleague and noticed he s got a much more swish sidebar how do i get that,Normal +44881,had a great st birthday but is sick a with the flu,Normal +44882,fromthestars i wan na go to an amusement park ek is getting tired,Normal +44883,just had myself a driving lesson went pretty well need to stop crossing my hand over on the wheel apparently though bad time,Normal +44884,found a nice lake side park with a small beach but no grill oh well i ll have to keep looking another time,Normal +44885,billbeckett did you know tai mean shit in indonesian,Normal +44886,is dreading tomorrow i hate hospital especially when it s your baby that is the patient,Normal +44887,not feeling so hot,Normal +44888,jedi yup the whole game wa amazing technically it looked great gutted i sold the game and my original xbox now actually,Normal +44889,is not looking forward to working today,Normal +44890,blooming great change of weather now i have a cold just my luck don t seem to be having much luck lately life suck at the mo,Normal +44891,playandstay well i ve actually only been to thorpe park so i m sooo looking forward to alton tower,Normal +44892,want to go out badly,Normal +44893,this is way to early to go to work,Normal +44894,bradiewebbstack sway sway tour in julyyyyy exitedd muchh follow me pleaseeee i need more followers,Normal +44895,living on neurofen for another day please go away headache,Normal +44896,is gon na start revising for exam in may,Normal +44897,ladyerlynne awwww you could always post in the transfig classroom with sharmila,Normal +44898,i have to go to the library and get some book on the bloody wa i really can t be bothered with these a level anymore,Normal +44899,nothinn nothing on tv maybe they ve run out of program,Normal +44900,retracelady djslump morning oh no more of them terremoto earthquake italy,Normal +44901,is seriously wondering what the australian public were thinking by kicking my baby kat off of sytycd i miss her already,Normal +44902,so today is apparently cuddle up day and i have no one to cuddle up with,Normal +44903,erickaaa im at workkkk im freezing too i need a mass hug from you can i call u night babe xxx,Normal +44904,winetweat sorry but follow u we re going to publish picture and video and sometimes also in english,Normal +44905,quinparker i find that in this age of internettery this is how you perfectly express sorrow and empathy for another s pain,Normal +44906,argh finally figured out whats killing inquizitor game on jailbroken device about 0 star review too late though fix on the way,Normal +44907,considering new business name which mean new logo and website finding it very difficult to pick a name though been week fail,Normal +44908,office time,Normal +44909,beatccr i can t wait to read that one still waiting on my copy,Normal +44910,having lunch on my desk while i work,Normal +44911,want an iphone,Normal +44912,it april stop snowing,Normal +44913,trying to find the motivation to write some essay and finding it sad that my life revolves around essay writing,Normal +44914,i heard he stopped singing it s a shame http blip fm xath,Normal +44915,theletterj couldn t agree more people keep stealing my elastic band ball,Normal +44916,stuck inside poorly little people,Normal +44917,mizfitonline is ur host down i m getting nothin,Normal +44918,lyn thanks hun didnt even no he wa going to be on pitty we couldnt see him sing,Normal +44919,myrtti ouch,Normal +44920,i m all snuffly and then hot and cold tired and bunged up woe is me,Normal +44921,just a head up site s being wonky so will like probably post late today flippin technical issue,Normal +44922,skinnylatte it a great article but quite sad we are the saddest pinnacle of evolution,Normal +44923,goodbye jive test server so very sorry to have to shut you down,Normal +44924,i m up amy s coming around today so i have to clean my room,Normal +44925,finishing the tax return instead of making some track or enjoying the sun,Normal +44926,be offline,Normal +44927,hoping my new kitten is well a she isn t eating or drinking hopefully just stress of a new place,Normal +44928,danielhcwong taylor ce gt amp amp sweet mother of amp amp amp my livie is only 900,Normal +44929,elltotheice poor kid damn all those people who want to cut there grass ahaha day lt,Normal +44930,i m wish i wouldn t have drank coffee all day long need sleep must sleep can t sleep,Normal +44931,is feeling even worse cold cough sore throat the work,Normal +44932,finally have the vintage logo of greatness over here now kinda tough to do right now w o a home computer oh well someday,Normal +44933,is feeling weird today happy and sad at the same time and missing my people from italy ilyyy lt,Normal +44934,argh there go my plan for friday,Normal +44935,heidimontag i dont know im in the uk so isn t out here yet so jealous,Normal +44936,got formal invitation what am i gon na do about my date i should ve said to put quot nick amp guest quot,Normal +44937,ande now i m not sure i want to associate with such a violet product may have a re think about my screen name,Normal +44938,markhardy 9 it is but i m still waiting for my ride itm,Normal +44939,wish the sun would shine more i have a cute yellow dress to wear come on sun come out and play stupid england,Normal +44940,well my foot odor problem is def back hmph,Normal +44941,the drawback to this is that every picture i take with my phone is broadcast and is sent with the file name a text automationatacost,Normal +44942,petemc they re horrible they re out to get me,Normal +44943,dontcha just love microsoft corrupted open xml document,Normal +44944,i have fucking shin splint im in pain drug please i never realised they could be so painful,Normal +44945,taratomes i applied to go on that but my dad wouldn t drive me to manchester for the audition,Normal +44946,i have no idea how to use twitter no one want to follow me cause i m a bland person,Normal +44947,helenthornber i dunno but i used to get fruitsalads and blackjack from the post office we never got applejack tho,Normal +44948,my best friend amy is coming round today to i ve got to clean the house and i ve got to find my amp cable,Normal +44949,where is my phone amp good food aaaaaaaaah,Normal +44950,the muppet whatnot workshop site is temporarily down apparently totally sold out quot working hard to get it back asap quot hurry up y all,Normal +44951,ednaiscool is up again yay but all my video are gone,Normal +44952,james yeah gah poor illazilla and shame about the mutt but best of luck this time around,Normal +44953,ib nji yeh i know but it wasnt on the showbags list in the paper the other day i heard that they are broadcasting from the show on thurs,Normal +44954,alexfoster re cat prob have amazing effect on vet bill too watch for change in character of remaining cat pus,Normal +44955,need uuuuuuuuuuuuuu http plurk com p n0vpg,Normal +44956,sonnyjoeflangan goddammit i missed it what song xx,Normal +44957,catq wa so thinking of you family and friend glad you re okay but it s a black day for italy with all those people killed,Normal +44958,just had a great time that is if i forget about the fight on the way back,Normal +44959,horrible weather,Normal +44960,davidblue someone spoiled it for me last week,Normal +44961,nicsknots what up,Normal +44962,cant eat drink or breath thanks to the bad throat infection,Normal +44963,cant eat drink or breath properly thanks to the bad throat infection,Normal +44964,shattered,Normal +44965,s nanna just passed away,Normal +44966,having delay to 00,Normal +44967,uni suck have to leave home at 00 to attend a lecture at 0 to 0 amp roadworks everywhere mt installing fibre cable,Normal +44968,started his week training it s going tobbr tough with so many birthday currently at work http twitpic com y k,Normal +44969,it s so upsetting ami s in agony and the vet can t see her until pm my poor little thing,Normal +44970,matthewknight i don t know i can ping the site but it won t load at all for me i m trying to contact dreamhost,Normal +44971,no body ever reply to me,Normal +44972,edbehrens thanks for all the good luck ala i wasn t good enough don t really want to explain but thanks for everything i lt you all,Normal +44973,can not stop coughing so much for sleeeping,Normal +44974,wet hair in my eye,Normal +44975,kevatkinson my bro and si but very young mum working today so thought i would help out i don t have any sun,Normal +44976,having a coffee and going through my twitter facebook and other social network it seems to become a full time job to keep up,Normal +44977,get to speak to my boyfriend til about so happy but then cant speak to him til may that may hurt a little,Normal +44978,princessbuddha im having the same problem i never drive anymore,Normal +44979,still up sad i lost follower,Normal +44980,a sad day i morn for my awesome car http twitpic com y e,Normal +44981,ok i think i m finally done with work for the yester day now for a beer and some tv before hitting the sack back at it around 9am,Normal +44982,working my life away,Normal +44983,examz coming really feeling helplessssss,Normal +44984,creepy outdoor on the speedway alli is now in portugal seems not so good losing weight not healthy,Normal +44985,francesdath not bad transitioning being visited by many globe wandering gypsy queer at the moment but you are missing,Normal +44986,loaded with the cold great fun,Normal +44987,up early my stomache is acting funny,Normal +44988,ha a headache it wont go away and i dont want to od on panadol lol seriously though it hurt,Normal +44989,http twitter com freddybust status thats right,Normal +44990,maybe that wa unclear i m planning to post on my own website later than usual today due to technical issue,Normal +44991,doe anyone else miss chatting in chat room i do but can t find one i feel comfortable in suggestion please,Normal +44992,vah the dreaded lurgy strike i m in dire need of tea chloroformed or otherwise ala i m off to asda for pizza no time for tea,Normal +44993,the leeds festival twitter man ha lied there is no update,Normal +44994,going going aaand gone poor moosie fell asleep in class http twitpic com y y,Normal +44995,is really fed up,Normal +44996,swapping song through email with carrie damn the tasman damn it to hell i wan na jam,Normal +44997,damn it i still can t find a decent sized photo,Normal +44998,anjeebaby i m fine if thing are busy just get hard at quieter time,Normal +44999,essay finished 0 word very pleased with self but dreading the return to project work,Normal +45000,violetscruk yeah off aberdeen on the miller platform the one the chopper left before it went down thew other day,Normal +45001,immm sooooo lowwww,Normal +45002,i still feel toss though i wa better yesterday but actually realised im not when i woke up at am feeling sick,Normal +45003,still have a lot of work to catch up on,Normal +45004,missed the gig,Normal +45005,khb count low today despite the changing weather,Normal +45006,dale wood i love uni coffee bet you won t get this one ilpc oh p uni tomorrow pick u up at p 000 word assignment arg,Normal +45007,now i m having a hard time digesting disappointment,Normal +45008,ready for friday at the ted go brave amp stocking up on ricola cough drop amp dayquil b c i have a cold from the constant weather change,Normal +45009,s geen how i met your mother vandaag,Normal +45010,no southpark for me,Normal +45011,yay migraine to round of berlin,Normal +45012,sheritingle really busy load of project to complete,Normal +45013,so much for my roast tonight still frozen solid,Normal +45014,up since 00 going to be a looooong day,Normal +45015,i m bleeding i shaved my leg and now i m bleeding haha i m a loser xp,Normal +45016,just got reduced to tear by jeremy kyle off to the doctor now i hate the doctor it so scary arghhhh,Normal +45017,i killed the eggnog thread on pj with my lame joke,Normal +45018,tommcfly hey no chance of adding brighton or eastbourne to the ucap tour gutted im missing out this time round i love you guy,Normal +45019,i am really tired but cant go to sleep,Normal +45020,saturngirl ha ha ha cap doffed okay you are right camping in the cotwolds again for me,Normal +45021,lol i did that then i wa silly and thoght kb wa the same a k so it still not working i doubt i will ever find one,Normal +45022,xovince pssht i miss u u don t respond to me,Normal +45023,donniewahlberg donnie when are you coming back to the uk it s been toooo long x,Normal +45024,went to the dentist today totally a a last resort totally broke now too god damn the dental industry need competition policy,Normal +45025,th m m t l n n i d i,Normal +45026,off too work gunna miss the lush weather x,Normal +45027,mandy emmerson bummer hope your ok,Normal +45028,http twitpic com y i miss thiss,Normal +45029,wow it way too early to be awake lot to do though and software post at 0 so i actually have to be to work on time boo,Normal +45030,missin my son he went home with my monster in law last night i can t wait to get him back this afternoon after work,Normal +45031,iamloz jspr ouch,Normal +45032,mirror kiss no i don t have money i m very upset too,Normal +45033,laz yeah i couldn t answer your call at work this arvo babe my break are usually at ish so call then haha i need credit sooo bad,Normal +45034,ugh i can t sleep because i m not feeling so great,Normal +45035,foilly oh no that s a shame you ll have to find them the next time tim pass through or organise a sydney feeter convention,Normal +45036,oh no kutner s dead watching house,Normal +45037,so bored still no internet at home,Normal +45038,been sent to the naughty boy corner in work http twitpic com y s,Normal +45039,triplejsr the new eminem single quot we made you quot it s got zero play on aftermath s myspace i wan na hear it soo bad,Normal +45040,i am wondering how to work this site,Normal +45041,finally home from work,Normal +45042,cant wait for easter but then after that it will be study time,Normal +45043,back at work after a great weekend my brother have left home and gone back to england though with my gorgeous nephew miss them,Normal +45044,nikrosser i don t think there is any kind of good stroke i ll wait to hear from you i love that little cat l xxx,Normal +45045,argh cant stop yawning,Normal +45046,if you have a computer which isn t doing much or a cpu core not doing much if you re technical get in touch i need processing power,Normal +45047,my phone is broke too bad i could have been sending you exciting tweet today on how the city election are going election judge day,Normal +45048,km on bike i m all hot n sweaty the rem marathon continues,Normal +45049,im trying to make a chicken soup like my mother but without a recipe this will be interesting and i cant find matzah,Normal +45050,ha a huge headache,Normal +45051,want quot someone quot to come over here,Normal +45052,itspink what boyzone are reforming i m never aware of anything,Normal +45053,sparkly devil hug i m trying really hard to concentrate on the nice dream instead i m sorry you had a bad one too hon,Normal +45054,theengteacher dammit getting to know this corner very well,Normal +45055,ugh what a waste of hour,Normal +45056,charltonbrooker you ve got my sympathy i ve got to go have my back x rayed,Normal +45057,time for lunch i m so craving spring roll to bad we don t have a chinese near who delivers,Normal +45058,i don t know how i am getting back to miami it s like no one care,Normal +45059,kal penn ok well i think i just got a spoiler for this episode i haven t seen it yet i m in the uk gutted now,Normal +45060,surely is this is the first time i have tried to do this,Normal +45061,have a ouchy head which is making me feel sicky,Normal +45062,alessandrod sadness but please keep updating hug,Normal +45063,loris sl morning how thing in italy today depressing i imagine that is bad news,Normal +45064,melaniengzuer haha nah no more i go back twice a month the bus ticket too expensive already,Normal +45065,really want to see kasabian at eden project th july just need someone to go with,Normal +45066,morning all it s a grey day in holland come on spring you can do it,Normal +45067,sad that the time shift mean it s dark when we go home,Normal +45068,sneffielynn i wish i knew what s going on with tb it s driving me crazy,Normal +45069,damn i have missed gsoc apply deadline,Normal +45070,hate revision,Normal +45071,khensu i always feel like that too have an amazing day though xx,Normal +45072,http twitpic com y i miss this,Normal +45073,quite busy today attended appointment well tomorrow going to be another busy day,Normal +45074,iiiii havent slept yet and i have to be at work in 0 minute boo,Normal +45075,is stuck in history,Normal +45076,claireboyles thought a much,Normal +45077,going to work,Normal +45078,the nowhere land not 00 sick but definately not healthy either,Normal +45079,i am still suffering from a headache which ha been with me since yesterday afternoon feel like my head is in a vice not pleasant,Normal +45080,working at uni red bull and a packet of sultana for dinner,Normal +45081,csimiamijenny i know thats how i felt after givin them present them not appreciating it horatio is the real man lol,Normal +45082,missykesson cant find u on it,Normal +45083,firefly uk twitter is really playing up brace brings back memory of bad gagging reflex,Normal +45084,carli chick i can t get photo x,Normal +45085,on the bus going to work booo,Normal +45086,can t tweet working over the head,Normal +45087,robparsons too difficult who are these people no doubt the one who only ever see african a starving and helpless grrrrrr,Normal +45088,sitting in work,Normal +45089,nickynocky i pay just over a hundred for me and occasional kid in a house but not metered yours doe sound high then,Normal +45090,abhian abey lalloo me n dake then went for the pm show cp u cud ve made it chal koi nahi nxt weekend try karenge again,Normal +45091,up with my sick little girl who just came in my room and vomitted on my bed,Normal +45092,insomnia ha got the best of me again ohhh so tired and can t find sleep,Normal +45093,lol what anna schmance i soo wan na meet up with you in the holiday man haha im missing you so bad,Normal +45094,i sooo can not afford to get an iphone,Normal +45095,yay i can txt to twitter but can t receive to my cell bcos im in new zealand,Normal +45096,sleeping at a friend today x whats going on with u don t understand,Normal +45097,retrochick uk oh probably pmt and thoughtless men a bit too,Normal +45098,to transcode a 00mb wmv to a 00mb flv file without loss of quality possible or not anyone know everything i try is terrible,Normal +45099,kenmcguire sorry i had to be the one to confirm your darkest fear,Normal +45100,divapromotions i agree sendout card rock just sent one today to a dear friend that i had to let go,Normal +45101,dat some fast internet we ll probably be stuck with that 0 though http digg com d o kd,Normal +45102,it s a new morning pulled back the curtain sunshining bird tweeting and i m stuck inside working,Normal +45103,joypalmer i wake up at am and think ah yes that s mouse running around in the ceiling again,Normal +45104,at school right now just watched this is england and i m sorry to say that i didn t like it that much maby because i watched it here,Normal +45105,kangaroogav preach brother special k single gammon roll amp water no dinner,Normal +45106,meeting aren t always boring but i wonder why i m always sleepy towards the close,Normal +45107,surprised how little i miss having a house or car or really any of my other worldly possession but i do miss my dog,Normal +45108,chrisgedrim that s it we re over,Normal +45109,fancyelastic would use red onion if we had any chive are abundant at the moment so using them instead lid of sunflower seed is stuck,Normal +45110,jasonarnopp our membership had expired and to renew them we have to do a new induction which can t happen til next tuesday,Normal +45111,is needing some love,Normal +45112,getting ill and very fed up with how thing have turned out,Normal +45113,myapplestuff sadly we can t turn back time we have to help to re build everything amp give those poor family much love,Normal +45114,so dissappointed right now guess it not meant to be,Normal +45115,so tomorrow today finishing up hmwk getting over being sick then getting ready for another day of school tomorrow,Normal +45116,jlo 9 ahhhhh so when are you leaving will you not make friday,Normal +45117,captainseebass sparkyma girlfriend trouble got some serious thinking to do,Normal +45118,monkey cat mom s brain are fried not juicy that s what she say when she s in front of teh compy too much my brain are fried,Normal +45119,allieblue i have one vodka mudshake not going to be enough,Normal +45120,i ve been accused of being a biscuit fascist because i said viennese biscuit weren t working class,Normal +45121,up early ish to study before getting taken to lunch but then i have to come back from lunch and study more,Normal +45122,ha twitter changed in past week can only view page of tweet on phone a selecting older repeatedly show page and no more,Normal +45123,got ta calm the weekend down monday blue carrying on into tuesday,Normal +45124,intelligensia i totally get you why you did it is beyond me i rediscovered some new bone on my back after sunday escapade,Normal +45125,wish i were i sleeping,Normal +45126,it d be great if some opensource luminary would record talk file for rockbox the daleky voice is unimpressive,Normal +45127,polkadotskirt i m getting my card in two week and it s a solo iirc threadless com is already out of the question,Normal +45128,shruticute got any web link to it here we only get the hindu and toi,Normal +45129,moving on to managerial finance nicht gut,Normal +45130,oops havnt been on a while so much school work hardly any time myself,Normal +45131,is sad watching himym sea so i can be cool like everyone else but not feeling it and keep forcing myself to watch the next episode,Normal +45132,andy winward only quot seem quot funny,Normal +45133,hugbubble im keeping my distance well well away from your comment this is not good for the male specie,Normal +45134,i can ha migraine,Normal +45135,feeling ill today too so not having a great day,Normal +45136,rather tired after last night work getting woken up early doesn t help either,Normal +45137,rgdub yes i really wan na go bad but i have to work,Normal +45138,at work plus im sick blah,Normal +45139,bleach on my hair for the third time in four day ho hummm got to go out later to post the gazillion thing ive sold too bad,Normal +45140,good morning just found out i need to have a wisdom tooth out,Normal +45141,stuff finding a small enough picture i will jsut have to be this weird face for the rest of my twitter life lol,Normal +45142,you guy i can t sleep but i really need to cause i have work gt lt fml,Normal +45143,wish p kid wasn t so sick and in hospital tonight,Normal +45144,tired cant sleep baby feeding at 0,Normal +45145,ha a really sore elbow i think it s broken,Normal +45146,is depressed he isn t going to be able to see david archuleta,Normal +45147,hero is soooo boring ugh and i just found out there are more episode this season,Normal +45148,kiyala aw what did the poor donkey ever to do to you,Normal +45149,is in pain after having her brace tightened,Normal +45150,is at work x,Normal +45151,spring break is over school amp work are monster that have taken over my life seriously,Normal +45152,redpr no look like housework for me,Normal +45153,arisan no free day for you,Normal +45154,is somehow sick again day till my exam wonderful timing,Normal +45155,preparing for work and leaving the balcony but i ll give it tomorrow another try niceweather berlin goodlife,Normal +45156,didn t want to be a tax inspector anyway,Normal +45157,tweetdeck can you not become a seperate program rather than use air air is awful and this ram leakage is bloody annoying,Normal +45158,is annoyed with the amount of glass on dublin road and the number of puncture i am getting,Normal +45159,omg there is a super massive bee downstairs my phobia is kicking in big time and i can t go downstairs unless i know it s gone help,Normal +45160,t minus minute to go home well not home but to do laundry at home kindof the laundry is at home but the washer and dryer isn t,Normal +45161,and i am now a division of one,Normal +45162,lancehenrikson just writ a ticketbot thing it is spamming people with ticket for band with quot that word quot in probably child too,Normal +45163,just got home going to sleep for a couple hour no age of conan i hope i dream about eating delicious sushi,Normal +45164,my computer can t open any file from the university so i can t do any work i don t get it,Normal +45165,incrediblesteve cold turkey the only way i know,Normal +45166,dog around my ankle a i ve had to lock them in the study with me away from the builder oh joy only another week of this,Normal +45167,the great holiday homework sesh ha begun now bugger off twitter you distracting menace,Normal +45168,dammit i think i picked up a bug from the girlfriend,Normal +45169,beccaacyrusx chyeahhhh my shoulder back and leg all hurt atm,Normal +45170,i miss one of my friend,Normal +45171,very very busy not getting a chance to twitter a much a before,Normal +45172,doesnt know what to wear,Normal +45173,cincincintya my seed is on the verge of death thinking of what seedling i can plant to replace,Normal +45174,i need something big to happen,Normal +45175,done feeding horse this snowy windy april morning,Normal +45176,loris sl i see they are still having aftershock over there i m following eqwatch which tell me there s just been another quake,Normal +45177,want her ipod,Normal +45178,yayitsfoogie aww well i thought it wa a fun website anyway don t be lonely,Normal +45179,xrandommcrluvrx yup obsessed i bet they ve run out of stock though anyway thnx for the help with the phone i wa using the wrong code,Normal +45180,guybatty oh i m so sorry to hear that very sad thing he wa so young,Normal +45181,wren internet hug yep i know the feeling,Normal +45182,kijuto em ng t h s ng gt h tr a d y n c m n xong ng ti p n t n b y gi m m t m m t,Normal +45183,kal penn i just watched house and got really sad i liked kutner,Normal +45184,where ha the morning gone,Normal +45185,shaksiyya what wa going on with you guy over the weekend shak wa not happy my cd collection is outdated,Normal +45186,is not a happy chappy,Normal +45187,i m going to perform with my good friend nicole brilhante on thursday at don ho s please come no one else will,Normal +45188,three cheer for fiber to the home now we only have to wait year for it,Normal +45189,just couldn t sleep last night working a p than dinner with megan happy bday jl,Normal +45190,digg link are now nofollow,Normal +45191,rustyrockets will you be showing me some love you sexy swine feeling abit lonely go on you know you wan na x,Normal +45192,ecaps bloody idiot just shop him into some gay porn,Normal +45193,lost everything on laptop won t be able to cg anything properly untl about,Normal +45194,just had a tonne of sad news today,Normal +45195,i m getting more and more people asking where they can buy the ambients album simple answer is quot not yet quot it ll be on itunes eventually,Normal +45196,missykesson bet you let mcgee on there hahahaha,Normal +45197,gavlp yes i hope these shock are going to stop soon i think i m getting angry with earth itself,Normal +45198,sore throat please god don t make me sick sleep time night all x,Normal +45199,i didn t have enough sleep,Normal +45200,mornnnninggg ugh by cub ha gone to work without a phoneee got no one to textt,Normal +45201,drinking a nuun lemon amp lime electrolyte tab drink it s not sweet enough,Normal +45202,limburger 00 infrastructure and improving their coverage service most of the wifi hotspot are in adelaide sa though,Normal +45203,bloodrush ugh pizza would be fantastic right now too bad this isn t phx no pizza place open ppast like 0 here,Normal +45204,sheamus yep done that from the off just have all friend search my tweet panel hmm interesting maybe it will fix itself later,Normal +45205,sonnyjoeflangan oh awesome shit i missed it,Normal +45206,allancavanagh thanks for the link allan dm not working laptop on a go slow,Normal +45207,it s tuesday the su couldn t sleep last night btw orange juice right after brushing one teeth with cinnamon toothpaste yuck,Normal +45208,would really love to go on holiday but it not gon na happen,Normal +45209,stupid glass and it s ability to cut my foot,Normal +45210,is really really tired and hasn t slept in day can barely keep my eye open really missing my sanity,Normal +45211,just came back from college assignment really pile up like shit so dead tired,Normal +45212,can t sleep how frustrating,Normal +45213,for once in age i cant hear that bloody tap driping but now we have no cold tap in the bathroom rip tap,Normal +45214,march sale report done hardly worth it,Normal +45215,there is just something wrong with stupid vista i hate it,Normal +45216,the swanage fieldtrip is legendary for carnage it s the only reason i chose geography pity my uni doesn t run it theinbetweeners,Normal +45217,watched twilight last night wa brill but not a good a the book,Normal +45218,how to get ticket sold out quot give it a name festival quot on sat,Normal +45219,going for a shower amp brush my teeth don t wan na go to work,Normal +45220,no longer innocent then http news bbc co uk hi uk 9 90 stm,Normal +45221,wow non work related i ve been doing the seo for a site i designed and it s now ranking on msn google and ask sadly not yahoo,Normal +45222,so many question for the next battlestations podcast we ll do our best but we can t possibly answer them all,Normal +45223,study history of music bored help me please,Normal +45224,wish there wa a a little tunnel preferably a waterslide direct from dressing room to water so people don t see me in my togs,Normal +45225,freddiesdouble glad i m not at work but fed up of being in pain permanent earache for almost a yr is not fun,Normal +45226,i m not liking that new itunes pricing at all i mean i ve seen several song at 9 but not only one at 0 9,Normal +45227,natasja cupcake that would be great havin a crappy day again just can t seem to get in a good mood some sun would help,Normal +45228,god pls m tryna be a good gal u noe it best i dun n dun n dun wana be in deep shit help me out here omg,Normal +45229,i hate the new facebook look either so messy and everything is all over the place i want the old one back,Normal +45230,nickynocky yeah it rubbish think my bill just gone up a well and you have to filter the crap water,Normal +45231,ohmontana deal i ll murph you with my pliplup or whatever the water one barely at level 0,Normal +45232,someone somewhere didn t like sheepish http www smartestgames com gotdhistory php id,Normal +45233,davidtaraso i m stuck on chapter incineration destination,Normal +45234,day to do day work,Normal +45235,i am missing my daughter she went away yesterday for a week on a course to help her teach gymnastics the house is too quiet,Normal +45236,yippee skype app now available on i phone whatever next xcept you cant use the video,Normal +45237,i m not liking that new itunes pricing at all i mean i ve seen several song at 9 but not only one at 0 9,Normal +45238,laniefuller feeling really sick today how about you,Normal +45239,webview one of control of iphone sdk is too slow that even for loading local custom page it take a marginal time,Normal +45240,cant eat drink or breath properly thanks to the bad throat infection,Normal +45241,kara yoursojt depends when you re going though dont want to be hanging around town for age ooo aisha tune doreta beach would rock x,Normal +45242,why can t i breathe yes an over exaggeration in term but still i hate being ill,Normal +45243,eating lunch forgot to get home cooked food this morning,Normal +45244,samshepherd darn i don t seem to be very good at this,Normal +45245,wishing i wa getting 900 for free but noooo mr rudd want to play mean,Normal +45246,ohdatsbeezy don t mind at all behind on my follows,Normal +45247,just been the doc amp she give me some antibiotic for my throat no alcohol for a week,Normal +45248,revjesse ahahah if only it were hot enough i want to work elsewhere like stacking shelf in some grotty shop,Normal +45249,couldn t sleep read some animorphs and now i m attempting sleep again please work this time i m exhausted plus i want to cuddle,Normal +45250,sister s cat meatball ha had it leg crushed need to be amputated now poor little thing,Normal +45251,officialrandl whattttttt they ve not brought anything new out for about year and they re crap when will the full line up be up,Normal +45252,matthew day yeah at work,Normal +45253,ecaps arrrrg it must be bad mcdonald burger king always hire,Normal +45254,my nose is bleeding,Normal +45255,ditesh haha i m unsure what i can deliver for fo my i m not using alot of opensource software hail adobe for being expensive,Normal +45256,glue not coming off it is sooo irritating,Normal +45257,can not believe she is awake at am on a tuesday yawn and i had a bad dream bummer,Normal +45258,sentricmusic suffice to say their offer wa ignored then emi com launched and they all laughed rather a lot,Normal +45259,feeling low today,Normal +45260,bored amp tired miss the stay back time,Normal +45261,it rain heeaaavily outside and i trap in this building cant go home,Normal +45262,dilyswei thank you i know it not over but the fact that i studied day and night made me sad,Normal +45263,didn t even want to get up for work this morning i just wasn t feeling it but had to anyway,Normal +45264,wtf they still dont have britney for the record up yet,Normal +45265,chhavi working working working,Normal +45266,is suffering with the lugholes again,Normal +45267,someone in romania didn t like mystic myre http www smartestgames com gotd php,Normal +45268,got ta stop turning in homework late would be gettin an a in information system if it wasnt for the few late assigments,Normal +45269,i want my cereal but we re out of milk,Normal +45270,oh no free car park i always use is now pay amp display but i have no change,Normal +45271,zenojones i can t go to sleep too much to do too little time long week ahead of me and ok i ll get u hat lol,Normal +45272,just booted into window to upload something since internet is even worse under ubuntu,Normal +45273,wa playing around putting in random twitter usernames so many wasted blank,Normal +45274,i totally just lied about going on a trip to get out of hanging out with someone airport wa the only excuse that came to mind,Normal +45275,whatdamnnick well the problem with rain here is that it come with extreme coldness,Normal +45276,nbcnews reporting pres chief econ guy summer is loaded with wall street money mil from a hedgefund from bank that were bailed out,Normal +45277,tommcfly have fun tom i need to buy eclipse too but i have no money sad times,Normal +45278,ha to wait a week to find out if her writing is any good sux,Normal +45279,yay sj will be on come to play kibum is of course missing and so is teuk,Normal +45280,wellreadkitty oh poor thing i used ot love squeezing out the pu when i wa a vet nurse kinda gross really,Normal +45281,quot who is your favorite vintage designer quot lucy quot topshop quot i miss cycle of britain s ntm,Normal +45282,darenzia assuming i wont get to see u before u leave i ll miss u punkin,Normal +45283,i wan na go home,Normal +45284,testing twitter mobile sm from australia expensive,Normal +45285,whatchiing commercial breakdwon lol and havee homework to do enrtertain meee,Normal +45286,plip would love to try trillian astra but it s a closed beta and they won t let me in,Normal +45287,tittch i ll second andrew s suggestion they might fit you in a an emergency chin up thinking of you,Normal +45288,poor ando he just got shot,Normal +45289,sitting at my desk eating dinner great thai but a bit of a sad situation overall,Normal +45290,moreshannon he isn t here he is down south for day working,Normal +45291,mmuk09 moodle x must upgrade to 9 before being upgraded to 0 theme will probably break though,Normal +45292,rooxxy i ve got tonne over here going to have to donate some i think i just can t eat any more,Normal +45293,tomfelton late night suckkk gym always make me feel better though photoshoot for what,Normal +45294,that overnight screwed up my sleep,Normal +45295,alexrussin lucky i missed it,Normal +45296,been with o for month now in need of phone upgrade iphone come to 00 over contract life need smartphone with cheapo talk plan,Normal +45297,paulriggall me too why am i not going to glasto stupid girl crosby still amp nash are playing too,Normal +45298,nujurzyboricua i wan na go back home and go to bed lol whatcha workin out today,Normal +45299,honey it s nasty no report of flooding a yet multiple report of bad hair and wet pant however,Normal +45300,rustyrockets it not my birtday something went wrong please reply or i feel you dont love me,Normal +45301,mum soup made my stomach make nasty noise,Normal +45302,laptop is running out of battery,Normal +45303,worried about furry sun who ha bad tartar on teeth and need dental treatment,Normal +45304,finally fellow ninja logging into the forum if you ve done so recently can you redo again a it woz a bit broken before,Normal +45305,ughhhhhhhhhh twitter is bing sooooo retarded,Normal +45306,nickynocky i m looking for other utility supplier tonite now,Normal +45307,whykay it s lashing down here,Normal +45308,chocolate covered strawberry and cottage cheese you have defeated me,Normal +45309,i really need to go to a dentist,Normal +45310,mfarnsworth you and i will both be retired by the time this is all done mate,Normal +45311,a long flight is made even longer by a seat that won t recline off the red eye and grumpy,Normal +45312,absolutelybatty hug back thanks hon i can t believe he s gone,Normal +45313,just got a tennis top in the post but i don t like it and it too big shame,Normal +45314,only day later and ant have eaten clean it bone that poor little gecko skeleton so very disturbing i regret not mercy killing,Normal +45315,man today is going sooooo slowly today,Normal +45316,wishing i wa again,Normal +45317,why do i have to go to the sitty job more often than the nice one,Normal +45318,http twitpic com y lt i feel so bad for the band right now,Normal +45319,jonnypotter the simpson on demand thing doesn t work in the uk,Normal +45320,i don t feel like revision,Normal +45321,awake spanish test to make up this morning,Normal +45322,dotnetnuke com is down server error in application,Normal +45323,archiving project file to sharepoint this is not fun,Normal +45324,another set of ipod earbuds dying left going quiet apple charge gbp 0 for replacement better option at around that price point,Normal +45325,im having a miley nite no sleeping boo,Normal +45326,wow i just did suicide in a row fyi unless you re a professional athlete you shouldn t do suicide,Normal +45327,themaccabees i ve ordered that special inch set thingy from that place online i m so forgetful but it s still not here i want iiiit,Normal +45328,i have decided my room need to be more quirky so angel gave me a mirror and my a button isn t working too well either,Normal +45329,urghhhhhh tired i need a proper lie in,Normal +45330,dindle manksniff food corp founder dindle manksniff disappears on midnight trip to fridge presumed dead,Normal +45331,mandy moore quot cry quot http twt fm 009 quot a walk to remember quot by far my favorite movie so sad i cried like a baby,Normal +45332,lghague just uni ruining my life a per usual,Normal +45333,why isn t the hill available online yet soo disappointing,Normal +45334,nikkiwoods exactamundo for some reason i think foxx is knocked out so idk what s gon na happen sorry,Normal +45335,the poor spartan,Normal +45336,i m bored sun it s not present in a sky i deppressed so much i want see the sun,Normal +45337,my night went to the bar felt up a marred woman went home hard and alone,Normal +45338,that ii crash is a tough nut posted to newsgroup http is gd raip,Normal +45339,bah immune system finally gave in it did so well this year throat is feeling horrid now,Normal +45340,crappy day so far whyyyyy,Normal +45341,beththepq your blog won t let me comment again,Normal +45342,my teef hurt,Normal +45343,i have headache,Normal +45344,adamcurry can i get download version of the dvorak interlude since streaming is banned at work,Normal +45345,wwwicked i think i have tried everything but feel free to try to crack it i am at a loss,Normal +45346,well that wa a waste of time,Normal +45347,i hope i m feeling better by thursday will be seriously annoyed if i m ill over lan,Normal +45348,back from bangalore missed dancing with a handsome wonderfully smiling foreigner,Normal +45349,now i have to do my stupid italian homework,Normal +45350,cant be bothered get out of bed day feelin ultra lazy i miss josh,Normal +45351,coffee time wish i had whiskey like cameronreilly,Normal +45352,i really want to play singstar but all my singstar disc are scratched,Normal +45353,mileycyrus ouch mine too,Normal +45354,i didn t see that many cherry blossom this year,Normal +45355,argh iggy pop swift cover add on spotify way to kill the mood,Normal +45356,arse totally forgot about a webinar that i wanted to attend this morning now i ll never know how to secure virtualised environment,Normal +45357,is going to the tenancy tribunal tomorrow try to get my bond back,Normal +45358,emmavieceli aw no get better soon have honey and lemon drink,Normal +45359,ugh doe anyone know what i can do to stop anxiety attack pleeease i need help,Normal +45360,cupcakesfortwo no pain to really be the issue though there s the thing can t figure it out,Normal +45361,at degool cafe waiting the clock to be pm,Normal +45362,i am feeling sick,Normal +45363,this will have to do i lost the password to the version without the,Normal +45364,fuck i feel a hell of a lot worse today,Normal +45365,in france today it s raining,Normal +45366,ufffffffffffffffff ke gorom need to a pond to swim,Normal +45367,seekin for a new job,Normal +45368,hour sleep in day and still working on my birthday,Normal +45369,juanpol that page doesn t exist,Normal +45370,ammarz i could not install it for xp user here in aramco vista user have no problem weird,Normal +45371,seamonkey i am on a healthy eating kick i could only have shetland pony,Normal +45372,did not sleep well at all and have a very unhappy stomach,Normal +45373,is hanging out washing,Normal +45374,bout to take my dog for a walk kinda tired aswell went training this morning,Normal +45375,skooool i hope for some reason it is sooo much fun and like the best hehe,Normal +45376,bradiewebbstack aww poor bradie stuff those vegies take a stand,Normal +45377,vickybeeching saw someone at the apple store told that their warranty wa voided cuz they unlocked their phone,Normal +45378,up and throat still hurt,Normal +45379,italian lesson now bored,Normal +45380,ooooooooooooh my headddd uncle johnny i never should have agreed to work the town election for you when i got that drunk last night ow,Normal +45381,shedfire mrsshedfire been taking picture of you without your shirt bleeeech,Normal +45382,cuprohastes don t feed car milky way though they don t like it that advert wa very misleading breaking down on the a isn t fun,Normal +45383,johnnybeane me too i ll see on amazon uk otherwise they make me pay custom tax if i order it from the u,Normal +45384,nz the place to be miss my own bed a bit though,Normal +45385,just read r s amazing blog so tired don t want to go to school tomorrow either hmmph,Normal +45386,i hate being awake going to school western civ presentation andn a really awesome lunch,Normal +45387,ha just discovered the downside of going away for the weekend the food shopping still need done,Normal +45388,ophelia haha sorreh i try spek normalz now k,Normal +45389,is that snow,Normal +45390,moulin rouge mad me cry once again,Normal +45391,trying to shout but can t find people on the list,Normal +45392,ughh can t find my red sox hat got ta wear this creepy nick pirro version,Normal +45393,slept wonderfully finally tried swatching for new project classic line cardi from stash but don t like color must wait for now,Normal +45394,"What birth control are you on? I tried an IUD but it came out after a traumatic assault. I was taking microgestion but even at the lowest dose of hormones I had a bad reaction. Yet some how depo provera doesn't affect my mood, but I absolutely hate not having my period. + +Huff. + +I hate condoms, I don't even trust them. I'm on the fence about getting fixed, not even sure Medicaid would cover it anyway. + +What's a girl to do? + +If it matters any I was not on any birth control after getting on lamictal, which is my only script and I've been doing -amazingly- well on it. ",Bipolar +45395,"Hypersexuality I was diagnosed with bipolar unspecified at 13, and I'm a young adult now. I didn't actually find out about my diagnosis until last year because my parents worked really hard to conceal it from me. The most recent discovery has been learning that, believe it or not, I wasn't just a normal horny teenage boy. I have nearly crippling hypersexuality as a cute little side effect of my bipolar. I don't really want to turn this into a nsfw thread unless it can't be helped, but how do you ever cope with this? I'm a severe pornography addict to the point where I can't function if I don't get my daily fix (I have painful shaking fits and the like). It's been like this since I was 11. I'm not asking for medical advice or anything like that, I'm just curious if there is any hope for me.",Bipolar +45396,Meditation I have been using the free meditation app Oak. I am finding it helpful for clarity. I thought I would just mention it. Hope all are having a good new year.,Bipolar +45397,"Family question diagnosis - vent Start with the stuff that isn’t as bad. + +Mom and sister have asked what makes me bipolar. I hide basically everything because nothing good has really came out from opening up. Planning on talking to my sister about it as I trust her more. I beat around the bush (“uhhh... Bipolar symptoms...”). I think they just want to know what’s wrong, but I’m anything but comfortable talking about it, especially with more than one person. + +And then there’s my dad! + +I accidentally told him because I said something about my antidepressants while I was on a high. He asked who told me and I told him a psychiatrist. Didn’t go too much farther. Whatever, cool. I asked him a bunch if he was upset because he didn’t look very happy, he said he wasn’t. + +Two days ago he said something like “I’ve never seen you have a mood swing.” Took me off guard, really irritated me. You don’t need to see me have a mood swing for me to have them. You don’t need to see me hitting my legs and crying because I feel I’m awful and no one loves me for me to have an actual problem. He’s seen my self harm before, do you think that magically goes away? Oh I act fine, but that doesn’t mean I am. And he has definitely seen me in my highs. When it’s night and all I do is talk and talk more than normal? Bipolar isn’t necessarily severe mood swings and acting off of them anyways. + +Then last night he decided to turn it up a notch. I said something that must have riled him up. His response was that I was “making [him] tripolar.” + +What the fuck??? + +I told him that’s not how it works and it’s not in the DSM and hid in my room. + +Seriously. What the fuck? Do you not even care how your daughter feels? Do you not even care bipolar is characterized in part with depression that was *obvious* when I was 12-15 and you did *nothing*? Even when I had cuts all over my damn arm? Do you not care that I was in enough pain to go to a psychiatrist? That I have low self esteem that you say upsets you, but if I do anything about it suddenly my issues don’t exist? Do you even think bipolar exists? + +Thanks Dad. + +You really made me feel loved. + +^I ^want ^to ^break ^things ^:)",Bipolar +45398,"Unable to stop talking to myself- any ideas/experiences? Hey all- I know this has come up on here before, but I find that particularly in times of anxiety, I cannot stop myself from saying things out loud. They aren't even my thoughts, necessarily- they're just parts of conversations, random sentences, etc. I sound insane. I'm at home for the holidays and it's starting to confuse my family, who don't know about my diagnosis. What have your experiences with this been? /has anything in particular helped you? ",Bipolar +45399,On my way into the hospital Please send good vibes my way. <3,Bipolar +45400,"Husband has just about blocked me out and refuses to deal with my mental health issues In some ways I can't blame him, but I need someone. Right now I have a good friend to talk to, but she really just doesn't get it. She never saw the bad years. My husband lived them. + +I have been married almost 12 years. I know that I've been working hard to act better and my actions have been consistently much more thought out and I've been MUCH less volatile. I can let things go that I would have never been able to before. The other night my really stressed out husband (he went back to college and has just been grumpy the whole time) flew off the handle at me. Over something I said about Mexican Coca-Cola. Anyway, I just let him vent as he said things like, ""You just make me want to hate you."" And he referred to the last time I was in the hospital as the ""Smlybright show."" - making everything about me. He immediately referred to how selfish I am (which I really haven't been in a long time). + +This isn't even really him! I least I hope he hasn't turned into this guy! + + +I WAS selfish a long time ago. I was mean a long time ago, I was way too hypersexual a long time ago. And he has dealt with all of it. But he can't ever forgive me for anything. He has stopped being there when I really need him because he has just started blocking me out. He doesn't want to deal with me. I cry in private. I contemplate leaving or dying in private. I can't talk to him about these things anymore because ""we've had this conversation 100 times and you never remember what I tell you anyway and I have my own problems to deal with and I know how you feel because I'm depressed and have problems with that and I still am moving forward because somebody has take care of this family (we don't have kids. He means the pets. Which I definitely help with)."" + + +We haven't had sex in about a year. For years prior, I felt like he just did it to get his obligatory sex in for the quarter. When we got married, we had sex all the time, and then I wanted it all the time and he didn't anymore. Then he says he felt like I was using him. Maybe I was. I would actually throw fits about it. Crying, screaming fits. Embarrassing but I'm being honest in this post. + + +Medicine has made me gain a lot of weight. He says it's not me. It's that he needs to feel like I am a safe place, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I still wonder if it's just my body. But I take my medicine because it works. + + +He says I get worse every year, but when I really look at myself, I know I'm doing better in a lot of really important ways. My relationships with other people (not so much my husband right now) have improved tremendously. I am not working anymore (well, some part time, but not a lot) but I'm slowly becoming more productive and balancing my functionality with my anxiety and the pressure it makes me feel. I bring in the money because I was medically retired from the military. + + +I think sometimes it's how you look at your illness. You can only really judge your own level of the illness affecting your life because you are the only one inside your brain. It's easy to forget the good times when we are feeling low. Last time I had some pretty bad depression I honestly couldn't think of any reason to keep going. I started to end things. But at the critical moment, I just had this strong feeling that I was checking out FOREVER. No more good days OR bad days, and that I could always off myself if I wanted to, so I'd live another day and reevaluate later. And things got better. And then worse, and then better. + + +Any advice on any of this would be great. Sometimes I feel like I don't even like him anymore. A lot of times I feel like I love the old him, but not this guy who, at one time was always there, and now refuses to deal with me.",Bipolar +45401,"Ketamine Therapy So the other day I'm on the net and I see an ad for a ketamine clinic that promotes it for bipolar, but provided no information. I requested the science to support their claim, and sent it to a scientist to back up what I had read. Thid scientist was also part of the DC ketamine trials and helped analyze the information. We were of the same mind. Good in theory, but no real science to support their claims. With MDD and PTST sure, but bipolar is a different kind of beast. Anyways I get a call from the doc that runs the cliinic. We talk for about 15 minutes and I get all my questions answered. They claim an 80% success rate. That seem super high for me. Also insurance doesn't cover it so it would all be out of pocket. I am a prime candidate, but I'm not going to pay money to be a lab rat, especially if there's a 20% failure rate. I would mean regular maintenence doses and stopping meds, which scare me. + +Anyone done it? Any thoughts? I'm not looking for a cure, but an effective treatment that's more effective than the meds I get to take the rest of my life. + +Like I said I'm just looking for thoughts and experiences.",Bipolar +45402,"Blegh, tired of this (Rant) (triggering) I just had the stupidest disagreement with someone important in my life and now I can't stop with my suicidal thoughts. +I'm tired of this shit, tired of the ups and downs, seems like these feelings will always be the background music of my life.",Bipolar +45403,"2017 was brutal All of my recent med changes were on 2017. Zoloft made me mixed and totally insane, I got lithium poisoning, akathisia from abilify, suicidal from trileptal, suicidal on latuda, depakote didn't work out, haldol wasn't right, too much wellbutrin made me unstable. It's been an almost nonstop joyride. + +I almost hospitalized myself a few times. I've never been before so it's a big deal. I legitimately almost killed myself on 3 occasions. I dabbled in self harm. I had a very rough year. Professionally I didn't get along with my old teaching team and they turned our kids against me. Principal got involved and was on my side, it was ugly. So I finished my first year of teaching and now my second year is going much better but the end of that first year was miserable. + +2017 was not my friend. + +I saw an idea on Facebook to put a note in a jar each week that has one good thing that happened that week on each note then at the end of the year look at all of the great things that happened. I love that idea. + +Here's to hoping everyone has a better 2018. It can't be worse than 2017, that's for sure.",Bipolar +45404,"Feel alienated and alone on NYE Every winter I get into a deep depression. It makes me focus on how I have no meaningful relationships and especially no significant other. I’ve developed a resentment for couples. It’s just jealousy but it becomes intrusive thoughts. “I’ll always be alone” “you’ll never find someone for you”. It’s sick thinking but I don’t know how to make it stop. + +I want to be able to be happy without needing things outside myself. It feels pathological, because on certain meds the obsession goes away, unfortunately along with my sex drive. I would usually talk shit about people who need to be in a relationship really badly to feel okay. But goddamn I just want to cuddle and be next to someone. + +I hope this year is different and better than last year. Good luck guys. ",Bipolar +45405,"Question for older people: does it really get better? So I'm almost 13 years in on this. I was diagnosed when I was 24, so I've been consciously dealing with it for a big chunk of my adult life, and, honestly, while my episodes aren't as outwardly extreme, it doesn't feel like I am getting better; I'm just controlled and left with an uncomfortable anxiety and paranoia in place of the bigger feelings. + +And some of the more peripheral symptoms are definitely more pronounced and progressive. Every year it seems like I have more trouble with memory, attention, and verbal ability. I have ways to work around all of this, but it's exhausting to keep myself ""on"" and not get lost in thought. My s/o sometimes doesn't understand me or has to remind me to answer someone if they've asked me a question and I'm just staring into space. + +It feels like I have a very slow, drawn out terminal illness. + +How does this progress? What is this going to be like at the 25 or 50 year mark?",Bipolar +45406,"As a woman in my early twenties, how do I build my trust in men and confidence in romantic relationships? Just in need of some advice. I am finally doing quite well dealing with being bipolar II (diagnosed a year ago), but I am finding some issues that are making themselves more apparent as I lean back in to the dating scene. Not only do my mental health issues make me nervous going into a relationship, but I am noticing I have some real trust issues. + +My father was an alcoholic most of my life and was not present very often. I have not had many men in my life that I have been able to fully trust. I know where my trust problems come from, but I am having trouble working on these issues. Anytime I meet a new guy and things are great, as soon as they mention a good friend that is a girl, my stomach just drops and I begin wondering if I can trust them. + +My first serious boyfriend also ended up dating his “good friend” right after we broke up and I think that is kinda adding to this thought spiral. + +I guess I’m asking how can I come to terms with the fact that a guy could be unfaithful? Because of course I can never know for sure. How do I deal with that possibility without it making me push the person away out of fear? I get the worst feeling in my body just thinking about being in a relationship with someone and finding out that they secretly are very attracted to their friend that they just can’t be with for whatever reason. + +Please help:( I want to have a positive relationship in my life but I am getting in the way of that. ",Bipolar +45407,"Partner struggling with depressive episodes Hi Everyone, + +I have a partner who struggles with depressive episodes, where he self-isolates and will completely disappear (meaning, will go to entirely different cities). He is on medication, is very consistent with taking it, and regularly attends counselling. He is so wonderful to actively work towards his goals, and uses this isolation as a way to not subject anyone to any pain that he may cause them. Although I am well aware self-isolating is a way that he manages those experiences, I was wondering if anyone else had this experience with their partner, and if they were able to build that trust with them for them to get their space, while also staying in the same location? In terms of longevity, I am concerned that these spells of radio silence and disappearing acts are not conducive to a healthy dynamic, regardless of his well-intentions. I've suggested going to counselling with him, and he doesn't seem to have interest in it. Any advice is greatly appreciated! ",Bipolar +45408,"Abilify My pdoc started me on 10mg of abilify, so I took my first dose this morning. + +How has abilify worked for you? How were the side effects and how did you deal with them? Did you feel better? I know everyone reacts different but I always get very anxious with med changes, and like knowing how it went for other people!",Bipolar +45409,"Money and Mania Are these things a problem for anyone else.. like a HUGE problem? I just added the balances on my credit cards and was damn near shocked. I don’t even want to talk about the insane APRs that I “missed” when applying for these cards. (I just checked those too and fuck my life) You all are probably thinking I’m some kind of idiot, which I would not disagree, for not knowing what’s going on with my finances. When I’m manic, I apparently *only* occupy my time visiting retail websites. However, it can get so bad that I won’t even necessarily want anything so I’ll go to amazon and buy like paper plates and light bulbs and shit. I’m about sick to my stomach right now. ",Bipolar +45410,"Traveling Advice Hello! + +I'll be traveling from Florida to Maine to visit my in-laws (and play in snow!) in less than 24 hours. + +Severe season/weather changes in general tend to trigger a cycle... but I've been feeling the tides of change (a mix of dysphoric mild/moderate mania and hallucinations/delusions) already for about a two weeks. + +I was able to get in and see my pdoc and she increased my Rexulti. + +Other than another med tweak is there anything else you guys suggest in order to not become completely unhinged? Anyone else triggered by travel and/or the seasons? ",Bipolar +45411,Anyone else trying the Paleo Diet? Is anyone else trying the Paleo diet for the new year? I’m embarking on it to help me lose antipsychotic weight. ,Bipolar +45412,"I used to be a morning person Ever since being medicated I hate waking up. My sleep meds make me wake up foggy and tired, and I feel irritable every morning unless I have some alone time while taking my antidepressant. My head hurts and feels heavy and it just sucks. + +I used to wake up by just opening my eyes and feel great about the sunlight poking into my room. I’ll be able to just wake up and start my day with no problems. Even now when I miss my nightly dose I’ll wake up so easily and positive, and it makes me miss not waking up in a fog. + +I don’t need advice, just needed to vent a little. I used to be a morning person and now I can’t be. I can’t even be a night person because I have to take my meds and knock out at a certain time. + +I guess that’s the price to pay for overall stability. ",Bipolar +45413,"[Trigger Warning Suicide] - Why is it a bad thing? I'm not really sure what to put here. I'm dysfunctional. I've tried everything I can think of, from therapy, CBT and going to my doctor to exercise, dieting, lifestyle changes, meditation, supplements and so on. I can't access meds. I don't have any offline support network. + +The past year was the year with the least depression for me. I didn't really want to die anymore but I wouldn't have minded either way. I tried all of the above things. I still doubt I can ever hold down a job, have a relationship or study. I'm pretty close to being kicked out of school again. + +This past week the day I spent the most time not crying or laying in bed was new years eve. I think 2 hours for a movie and 2 hours for a meal with family. I could bear to listen to music today and didn't throw up my lunch so that's an improvement. + +But even at my best, I don't know what to do. I just don't want to live. The thought has bounced around here and there for years. And medication or not, my broken brain will never be fixed. + +Why would it be a bad thing to go?",Bipolar +45414,"stuck in a mixed episode and cant get out (self harm mention, description of manic ep) i've been manic since yesterday cooking & cleaning & working on projects & up & up & up & up but today i realised it's probably either a mixed episode or i hit peak because i'm pacing cant stop moving & breaking into tears at random and clenching my fists so hard i leave crescents in my palms and i want to scream my body feels too tight im too tight in my skin and i want to scream and i want to scream and i want to i keep getting caught in these thought loops and i want to cut myself open i need to split myself down the middle i have taken my meds and i have taken my emergency ativan // klonopin as well and nothing is helping and i dont know what to do i dont know what to do i want to pull myself apart + +my partner is behind me on his computer playing videogames and every time i even think about working up the courage to tell him i start crying and have to leave the room until i calm down and i dont know what to do",Bipolar +45415,"I cried at midnight in New York I live in California. I watched the New York Times Square celebration online. At midnight their time, 9pm my time, I watched the ball drop and saw everyone so excited, and I started bawling my eyes out. + +I'm not excited for the new year. Last year I struggled so hard and I feel like this new year is going to be more struggling and more feeling like I'm never good enough.",Bipolar +45416,Social media Have any of yall started a social media account solely to share about your mental battle?,Bipolar +45417,How do you deal with your kids while on a manic? I just need some advice or coping help. ,Bipolar +45418,"My biggest struggle with BP is probably that I go into full ""fuck my boss"" mode sometimes Like when I get depressed, I think ""Oh, I can't keep a job, I'm pathetic."", but it's not that I *couldn't* keep a job, it's that I had shitty bosses in shitty companies, and hypomanic me has 0 tolerance for that",Bipolar +45419,"I shared my story and something wonderful happened. Would you mind sharing your story? December was a very difficult month for me, and this subreddit became a sanctuary during some especially hard moments. So first of all - thank you to all of you. You have helped me to realize I am not alone in this. + +As a sort of therapy for myself, I shared a video of my recent challenges on Facebook. I felt completely vulnerable and almost removed it. But then responses of love and encouragement began pouring in. It was empowering and brought me a sense of hope I haven't had in a while. + +People from all parts of my life began private messaging me, sharing their own stories of mental health challenges. + +I realized that talking openly about my challenges is very helpful to me in the start of the journey to management. I invite you to [hear my story](https://www.facebook.com/tommygeoco/posts/10212173351023813?pnref=story) and share your own story in the comments below. + +What kind of challenges are you currently facing? How far have you come? What are you suffering from right now? + +I begin a DBT partial in-patient program on January 16th, and I'm trying to make it through every day leading up to that date. + +Thank you again for everything this subreddit has provided in allowing me to pursue self-love and a sense of peace. It's a long road, I'm told, but today I feel present and capable. +",Bipolar +45420,"Longest manic episode? What's the longest episode of mania or hypomania you fellow bipolar reditors have experienced? the reason why I ask is because I'm currently riding an approximate 35 day streak of consistent good days in a row- which is a little bit scary because of the possible back lash it may cause. or perhaps my good days will never end, and this is just what my life looks like now (Ha!)",Bipolar +45421,"Happy Event caused Depression? Okay so I'm kind of weirded out by this and not sure how to take it. I went to my psych doctor yesterday after having months of depression and we realized my depression started when I got engaged. She said major life events can trigger mood changes. I am NOT depressed about being engaged, I am super excited and was waiting very impatiently for the day and couldn't be happier to spend the rest of my life with my fiance. She said maybe the wedding planning is what's stressing me out and causing the depression. I do tend to get depressive when I have to deal with my family a lot which wedding planning has definitely entailed but idk. I feel guilty for being depressed during what's supposed to be such a happy time in my life. ",Bipolar +45422,"I feel like a failure because I've had to move home to deal with my mental illness I've been just fine living abroad for over a year, but I came home for the holidays with the intent to move on to another country afterwards. But in the last week or so before I came home, my mental health dropped off a cliff. And it has continued to fall. And now I'm having to change my entire life plan because I need to take care of this so badly that I need to stick around my hometown while I seek therapy. This is such a sudden change from everything that I'd had planned for MONTHS, and now I feel like a failure because I have to move back and stick around to deal with my stupid mental illness. Like, as it is, I'm depressed as hell, and feeling this sense of failure on top of that is only making it worse. I have an intake appointment with a local counseling center next week, so I am actively working on getting help, but everything still sucks. + +Now I have to find a car, a job, and an apartment (I can't handle living with my parents for longer than a couple of weeks), which are factors that I hadn't planned for at all. I have a love/hate relationship with my hometown - I've fantasized about getting the fuck out of here ever since I was, like, 14 years old, and it breaks my heart that when I finally made a huge move that I'd been wanting to make for years (living abroad), I now have to cut that plan short to deal with this mental illness shit. Which is why it feels like failure: I tried something that I'd been wanting for SO long, and just when I thought that I'd made it, I ended up stuck back here to deal with factors beyond my control. + +So the point of this is part vent, but part ""has anyone ever felt like this?"" and if the answer to that is yes, ""any tips on what to do about it?""",Bipolar +45423,"Seroquel and snoring Hi all. I’ve been on 150mg of seroquel for about 2 months now and I am snoring like a grizzly bear. I’ve never had a snoring problem before and my husband is getting tired of sleeping on the couch! Any experience with this or advice? Will it go away? + +Thanks!",Bipolar +45424,"Getting a bit high... escalating quickly So my psychiatrist put me on Lamictal first, then added Seroplex (SSRI) about two weeks ago. And two days ago, I finally started getting better. Like a lot, lot better. And I feel I'm getting higher and higher as the days pass. Today I'm missing work because all I want to do is to see some friends and climb a building. I wanted to watch a TV show but I can't since I just wanna dance and sing and do something. All my apartment's completely clean (much thank's to high me) so there's no much to do here. + +I feel like my chest is heavy as shit, my arms and my legs need to move. I've been getting no more than 4 hours of sleep last days. I felt great... Now I feel just awesome. + +And I just can't get out of my head I should buy anything I think of, like this TV which is around 2000$ while I have an income of barely half that. It feels right and the right time. Don't know what to do. But guess what, I'M GONNA CLIMB A BUILDING. No worry, pretty safe though. + +edit: by -> buy",Bipolar +45425,"Manic Pixie Dream Girls? What are your views on the [Manic Pixie Dream Girl](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manic_Pixie_Dream_Girl) trope in movies? Especially the ladies on here? + +While the characters aren't usually *explicitly* bipolar in films, and more along the lines of having borderline personality (as someone with BPD), I personally find them more cringe-inducing than relatable (Despite attracting the same kinds of guys. Ugh.) and I kind of hate the term. ",Bipolar +45426,"Experiences with mixed eps? (self harm/suicide mention, description of episode) I was wondering what your mixed episodes were like, if you care to share. I thought I was stable for a day or so because I was getting shit done, but not going as crazy as usual on a hypo episode. But today... oy! I got like zero sleep, and am currently wide-awake writing this at 3am, got up and ran some errands that i ususally do with my husband alone because I was annoyed that he was still tired. Like I wanted to kick him in the head because he was still asleep. And in the car I randomly started crying and couldn't stop until i started screaming. When i stopped screaming, I began to cry again - this went on for some time. My chest feels like it's going to burst open and every other thought I have is either ""God I just want to die, please let me die,"" or ""I should go buy some new razors."" I haven't showered in...awhile?... and my room is absolutely disgusting - which I would usually clean obsessively on a normal hypo episode, but I just have zero energy. I can feel myself getting fatter and grosser but the thought of going to the gym make me want to throw up. + +Maybe it's just a *light* depressive episode? I just got out of one though, man I would hate for another to start so soon! :/ + +Love you guys, hope you're all coping well, and having a good new year <3",Bipolar +45427,"72 hours without sleep so far. Need tips. Advice. I just read this on another post. “Rescue drug” is a great term when describing benzodiazepines. Vodka is also a rescue drug. That’s what I use. I was going to switch to another “Rescue drug” until I read that. I’ve just realized I could be bipolar recently. Doc prescribed an anti-depressant and I haven’t come down yet. I am now 72 hours without sleep. But, in all fairness when I was revving up I decided to binge drink for two days. I’m not freaking out. I’m just completely unable to close my eyes. I am also full of anxiety. I’m sure this is what smoking crack / meth / cocaine would feel like. I also have been unable to eat or drink. I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow. What can I try in the mean time? I’ve been watching documentaries. Reading. I’ve been getting rushes of feel goods that make my hair tingle. Adrenaline? Maybe? I’ve had way worse episodes on alcohol than just dealing with anxiety by itself. Or depression, but this is very, very, different side effect with this anti depressant. Thank u in advance. ",Bipolar +45428,"I'm on klonopin but it doesn't seem to be very effective anymore... The background (which can be skipped if you'd like): + +I've been on benzos for about 16 years. At one point (when I was 20-21) I was put on on Xanax 6mg/day which is obscene. I think this increased my tolerance. At the time, I was also very depressed (maybe exasperated by the Xanax) and drinking a liter of vodka a day. + +Needless to say, after a bit of homelessness and finally moving to a different state, I was slowly tapered down on Valium. I was relatively stable in that and then was forced to move again to another state where they refused to prescribe any benzos or any adequate medications for my bipolar disorder. + +I ended up staying in the house for about nine months because I was too anxious to leave. I would go to my psych appointments with no progress on getting them to put me on something that worked for the intense depression I was in. I *was* seeing a psychiatrist at the time who I really connected with and miss him but have never found another one who I don't feel is judging my life. + +I quit drinking cold turkey 5 years ago and have never had any more problems with that. + +However, I was then forced to move to yet *another* state where I couldn't find any psychiatric treatment whatsoever as was unmediated and in a mixed episode for over a year. I did finally get into psychiatric treatment by going inpatient and was put back on klonopin 3mg/day which I'm told is a high dose. + +Then my psychiatrist suddenly died and his clinic closed. Two months later, I got an appointment with my wonderful new psychiatrist and was back on track. Unfortunately, the klonopin doesn't seem to have much effect on me. I've taken 10mg at once with absolutely no effect (I'm aware this is dangerous as fuck but apparently not for me). + +To the current situation: + +I am looking for a change. My anxiety level is very high but vaping with nicotine (I have never been an actual cigarette smoker) seems to help quite a bit but not entirely. + +With the Klonopin not doing its job, I feel like a different benzo might be a potential answer. I don't want to be back on Xanax and Valium didn't do much either. Has anyone been in a similar situation with tolerance and successfully switched to a more effective benzo? If so, any suggestions?",Bipolar +45429,"What do you think? (TW: suicide, self injury) [](https://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2018/01/04/artificial-intelligence-to-listen-for-suicidal-thoughts-on-social-media/) + +Apparently, it's being tested in Canada for artificial intelligence to catch behavior related to self-harm and suicide on social media. As a community in which these behaviors are discussed frequently, I'm wondering what you all think of this. + +Part of me thinks it's a good idea. If we can prevent these behaviors, isn't that a good thing? However, part of me is taken aback. Would I be willing to discuss my suicidal thoughts or talk about self injury online if I knew that information might be used to single me out? Not sure. + +Your thoughts? + +EDIT: The '1' superscript above the post should take you to the article.",Bipolar +45430,"I can’t stop tearing up I’m diagnosed bipolar 2, and I’ve been on 200 mg of lamictal for about 6 months maybe, and I was only on 100 for a while and I definitely see a marked improvement.. but I am consistently tearing up, maybe every hour or so, and it could be for a simple thought about a flower or a cat or it could be an existential dread thought about how I’ve put my notice into vacate my apartment and where am I going to find a new place to live, or what if I apply and they deny me or what if my girlfriend leaves me. It’s so maddening, I’ve never really been a crier until my diagnosis, in fact I was known for not crying but I never felt blocked up or anything. I’m not sure if it’s a me thing, or I’m cycling all day, or anything. It’s just alarming and very perturbing. Has this happened to anyone else. I guess I just feel really scared all the time, and that’s triggering it? I guess what I’m asking is does anyone else feel like they’re on the verge of crying about 8 times a day but then it goes away if you make it? Sorry for ramble, please tell me if this is formatted wrong or unacceptable for this sub. Thank you again.",Bipolar +45431,"No sleep I didn’t get any sleep last night for no reason. I missed two meetings this morning to try and rest but I couldn’t fall asleep. I just can’t afford to go hypomanic right now with starting work again. I have one important meeting in an hour and then I’ll try and rest again. + +Any tips to stop this in its track!?",Bipolar +45432,"Spiritual feelings I always seem to get a feeling that I am part of some kind of energy that runs through the universe either during a phsycotic episode or just after. Has happened all three times the same feeling. It feels really intense and I get some kind of idea that I should be doing something about it (non-violent, always makes me feel connected to nature and really compassionate). I feel like I am important and protected by it. Then the stage passes and I almost completely forget about it. + +Does anyone else get the same? Not similar but the exact same? I wouldn't want to use meds to suppress this if we are just waking up.",Bipolar +45433,"I am an idiot, oh math (X-post from r/bipolar) I will run out of lithium (good on my other prescriptions) in less than a week and my pdoc appointment isn't till the 22nd. The only 2 pdocs I've seen and might let me pick up a prescription (appointment slots mean waiting for months) are closed until the 15th for holidays. +This happened last month, too, and I can't believe I didn't just sit down and do the math in the dr's office so I could insist on a bigger prescription. I'm honestly a little baffled by the pdoc as well. +So do I just divide them as evenly as possible and hope things work out or walk to the psych ward I was in for a month in the spring and see if they can give me a scrip? Yech.",Bipolar +45434,"Amphetamines And Bipolar I have heard the EXTREMELY rare cases of someone having bipolar being prescribed Adderall. It helps with motivation, sense of well being, focus etc. + +But, I can only imagine that it could easily send one into mania. Any experiences or opinions?",Bipolar +45435,"Started mood stabilizers and having severe panic attacks I just started Lamictal, 25mg moving to 50mg in a couple days. After the first 2 days I was very manic; creating a lot, no sleep, the usual suspects. Then very recently—3 days ago— I started getting into a depressive episode. Yesterday I used my positive coping skills to help deal with it, felt better but then had a very sudden onset of panic attacks. Today was no different. Panic attacks after every 3 hours. I hung out with the same friend, and they didn’t really do anything to cause it, nor did anything else. + +Also, in my manic states I have quite the sexual appetite and in my depressive episodes I usually ignore the avoidance symptoms (dumb, I know) and have sex anyways. Recently however the thought of ANYONE having any type of sex (friends talking about experience, me imagining etc) has triggered panic attacks. + +I’m not sure what to do does anyone have any recommendations. ",Bipolar +45436,Bipolar and weed? Does anyone else experience heightened mania after smoking weed? ,Bipolar +45437,"I had two beers last night and lost my damn mind Guess alcohol is one of my triggers. No huge loss, right? I felt so out of control, like I could do anything and damn the consequences, like the world can't touch me. Today I feel like a straight up addict coming down. Started lithium recently.",Bipolar +45438,"Do you give in or abstain during periods of hyper sexuality? When I'm having hypersexuality problems, I tend to indulge my urges, but I wonder if that can make it worse/if I should try to ignore them. + +I'm not doing anything unsafe or irresponsible, but I wonder if it increases those kinds of feelings if they are always being honored. + +If I should calm myself, what tips do you have to do that? ",Bipolar +45439,Tips for the new semester? Spring semester of my sophomore year of college is starting soon. I need to figure out how to get a better handle on my life despite being bipolar. Does anyone have any advice for me? ,Bipolar +45440,"Three strikes and out Had total of four treatments. Recovery from each was progressively worse. Paranoia, anxiety, extreme memory loss to the point I couldn't recognize wife or children. Ended up in locked room as the paranoid me became the angry me. I knew something was wrongs, I literally felt short circuited, and lashed out at staff, doctors and family. My first, and really only memory of this time, was ripping plumbing off the sink as I prepared to combat staff? as I wanted the hell out of the nightmare I was living. As crazy as it sounds that was a beginning of my recovery. Today I'm stable but have lost big chunks of memories. Events one normally would never forget. Getting married, birth of children, pa#ing of family members much less the little events of life that connect so much of who we are. I thank God I had an advocate in my wife that was able to say enough. The docs kept saying just one more, just one more. Today I'm stable and my BP is under control through meds. Don't take this treatment lightly. It can have ramifications far and long that aren't always positive. Best of luck, T. +",Bipolar +45441,"Trying to get pregnant, off my meds, and falling apart. I need advice from bipolar moms please. Hi everyone. Like the title says, I'm off my meds because I'm trying to get pregnant. I thought I could handle it, but I'm cycling pretty bad right now. Luckily, I'm not suicidal, but it took everything I had to get out of bed this morning. In the past two weeks I've been delusional, anxious, depressed, energetic. All over the place. I was diagnosed in 2011 and have been on meds consistantly ever since, but my meds were deemed too risky for a pregnancy. Now that I'm in this emotional state, I'm questioning my capability to be a mother in the first place. I babysat my 2 year old nephew yesterday and it took every last drop of my energy. I came home so drained I could barely move. I'm assuming it was also compounded with my current mental fluctuations. But it'll only be more of that if I do have kids. Is it possible to find a balance with kids? Will there be time for myself and time for them? Yes, I will be getting back on my meds as soon as possible after the baby comes (if the baby comes), but will it be enough? I'm not even pregnant yet and I feel it might already be too much. I'm sorry for the word vomit, I can barely think straight right now. + +I just want advice from other mothers. How did you do it? How did you survive being off your meds throughout your pregnancy? + +P.S. I do have an appointment with my therapist at the end of the month (she's on vacation).",Bipolar +45442,"Wondering If I’m Bipolar... So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with mental health. It didn’t get bad until around 12, when I started self-harming, and eventually I was hospitalized at 14 after a suicide attempt. There, I was put on Zoloft for depression and also diagnosed with anxiety. For a few months, I felt happy so I figured it was working. I stopped cutting, I felt good. Eventually, I just stopped taking it without a doctor’s consent, but I took myself off of it slowly. I started cutting again after that. + +That’s my only experience with doctors/psychologists since and I’m 19, turning 20 in 5 months. + +I had my first hallucination when I was 16, but the timeline is so bad and foggy because my brain literally can’t remember anything besides the event itself - I was in the shower and just like flicking a switch, I thought somebody was in the bathroom with me, trying to “get” me. Immediately, I opened the curtains to find nothing but still wasn’t convinced. I went to my room, thinking something was following me from behind the entire time and closed my door, psychotically looking around for whatever was there trying to get me. For about 3 hours, I sat in the corner of my room, looking back and forth between things that would just escape my direct line of sight - it was like I could only see the “things” trying to get me in the corner of my eye. I wouldn’t move off my bed in fear that it was under my bed, and would snatch me that way. It felt so real at the time. I forgot it even happened the next day and didn’t remember it until months later, when it randomly popped into my mind, but I couldn’t place it along a coherent timeline - only that it had happened sometime that same year. + +A few months after I remembered the event, I was in class and out of nowhere (just like last time) I thought somebody (who, in my head, looked similar to the girl from the ring/exorcist) was inside the room with me. I started darting my eyes everywhere making sure that she wasn’t - it felt real but apart of me knew it wasn’t but that didn’t help it go away. All throughout the day I continued feeling like she was right behind a closed door, or peaking out at me from somewhere. On the bus ride home, I was convinced she was somehow following me, in vans, in cars, buildings - this thing that was following me didn’t adhere to the normal rules of transportation, she could transport between buildings just to keep an eye on me. It happened about three or four times, varying on levels of intensity for about two weeks and that was the last time I’ve had delusions or hallucinations (if that’s even what they are). + +Now fast forward to 2017, where after smoking weed one night I get put into this semi-catatonic state where I felt unreal, like a joke and like where I lived and the people around me were fake too. All kinds of memories of my childhood were playing on fast-forward on my head, except I was outside looking at my younger self and it was terrifying, I was convinced that I was actually going to die. Now, this experience is drug-induced but after this first time, I began having experiences like this without being high and the thoughts couldn’t leave my mind - I felt unreal, fake all the time, and occasionally I wouldn’t be able to view the world around me as real, or the people. This happened between July 2017 - December 2017, and it’s just starting to subside after I quit weed a few days ago. But, while it was happening, it left me in a severe depression. + +Now, since the new year, I have been energetic and positive - I feel better about my body (which, all throughout my life I have struggled with) and have positive thoughts about it. And not just “I love my body!” its more like “I can 100% fix my body and make it how I want it!” I didn’t sleep for 40 hours straight albeit a 2.5 hour nap before my shift. During work, I was talkative (which I NEVER am) and had something to say to about 99% of the customers. It was almost as if when the thought popped in my head, no matter what it was, I had to say it. Nothing inappropriate, mostly just about the products or casual talk or responses but it was so natural. My answers are NEVER natural because I have social anxiety - I’m always rethinking it before I say it. But not this time. I bagged their groceries so fast, I couldn’t stop singing songs in my head, occasionally singing them out-loud in front of customers and not feeling embarrassed (like casual singing when you have a song stuck in your head, except it was a few different songs) When I wasn’t with a customer, I couldn’t not be moving, my hands, my legs etc. + +Once I got home, I became obsessed with watching and rewatching and tweeting about my favorite show. I had so many thoughts about the show and my favorite characters that I just had to put them out there. I think I tweeted about 500-600 times within 6 hours. On top of that, I was also writing some characters for a TV show I’m writing and usually I’m a little stunted w/ writing because I’m usually depressed but it was like I could write for ages. I wrote like 10 characters within an hour. + +This has been going on since the New Year, and I’ve gotten a total of... less than 20 hours of sleep within 5 days. And now I just got the idea that I want to finally get my license so I can get a car and runaway. I know, logically, the plan seems bad but it’s like I have no intention of doing anything else? Like all of my effort is going into that plan. + +And lastly, on top of all this, I haven’t eaten one meal since the new year and I don’t feel hungry at all. No desire to eat really, albeit a few snacks here and there. + +I’ve had past experiences with being energetic, so I always speculated whether I was bipolar but never like this. 90% of the time, I have been depressed + +So, sorry this was long but please, how do I know if this is really bipolar? Since these symptoms started, I’ve also become obsessed with researching hypomania/mania and the thought will not leave my brain. So am I just making the symptoms up or am I actually bipolar?????",Bipolar +45443,"Is it a trick of depression to not care about getting better? I just don’t care. I used to want to get better, but right now I don’t care. I could just eat and sleep and drink beer and read books and that’s it. Go on forever, never seeing friends, never accomplishing anything. + +Is this a trick, or am I just fucked up and weird?",Bipolar +45444,"If I grew up an attention-seeking class clown ... would that make me more or less likely to be BPD? I keep the idea of borderline personality disorder (BPD) in the back of my mind, just in case my bipolar keeps worsening. + +If that doesn’t make sense to you, then you know what I recently realized ... I have no idea how much BP and BPD truly differ **in the details.** + +I keep seeing BPD as a variation of bipolar ... maybe the “bipolar type 3” or something. But, it’s understandable. I live in the world of bipolar, and still haven’t gotten my meds right. + +So, I am one of those that sees bipolar in everyone ... even someone that coughs wrong. + +*kidding haha* + +So, here are my 2 best possibilities I thought of: + +(1) How can we truly tell if BPD is just bipolar with more dysphoric mania? + +(2) Or, how can we tell if it’s BPD or just strong attention-seeking ADHD and bipolar, especially since ADHD is a common comorbidity to accompany bipolar? + +I have a bunch of other ideas, but I want to chat with people I comment, if anyone is free? + +I read different parts in DSM-5 ... but, like many of you, I kind of felt an overcomplication to create enough various “symptoms,” using different language, but still being the same? That’s a weird subject I’m still trying to learn and figure out. ",Bipolar +45445,"Bipolar help I was on abilify for months, stopped it because I was about to cancel my costly insurance and abilify wasn't really doing anything-felt the same- and the ex cost about $600 a month out of pocket. Now I'm in bed for days, haven't showered for weeks this time longer than usual and by the way does anyone have a problem with not showering? What is up with that? The family is in my face about not getting out of bed my dad says he is more depressed than me but gets out of bed. And last night I relapsed and took some of my sisters narc for her wisdom teeth extraction . The mom found out, told the Dad and they are so pissed that their middle age daughter that is here with them because of a longer sad story is pulling this pathetic shit and that i owe them to get better already. I'm just starting a new job and need to snap out of my manic stage? Any advice???",Bipolar +45446,"Advice needed: Depressive episodes fixed with Lamictal; manic episodes are not. Is this a common experience? My psych did say Lamictal is not a strong anti-manic. I am worried by my current state, as I have received all the ""warning signs"" in terms of others expressing concern, intrusive and distressing visions, confusion between dreams and reality, a total loss of interest in eating and sleeping, paranoia, and thought fixations. + +I could really really really do without having an episode about now or really in the next few months, I know timing is not something controllable, but I would really like some help coming down. + +I plan to call my psych and arrange another appointment, but I'm not exactly sure what they could do to help. +Is this a case of adding in another medication? In which case anyone on a Lamictal combo that they get on with? + +UK, NHS care if that's relevant.",Bipolar +45447,"Can you be manic with low self-esteem? (tw suicide) Hey everyone, + +I just spent a night in a psychiatric assessment unit. Before admitting myself, I hadn’t slept in 90 hours, not because I couldn’t, but because I didn’t feel like I should. I wanted to keep “being productive” which is interesting because I was also too anxious to do things that I actually need to do (reply to emails and texts, do work, self-care and hygiene). This resulted in three terrible nights of organizing parts of my room, drinking, cutting, exercising, writing, and beating my Tetris high score. I created more art and wrote more than I ever have in such short period of time. I kept making plans with friends, setting goals, etc while fully conscious that I would be too emotionally drained to do any of them the next day, which just lead to disappointment. The whole time I was awake, I was surging with adrenaline and didn’t feel tired. I wasn’t getting hallucinations or feeling sluggish like most people report after not sleeping for 3 days. This was especially strange because I usually feel tired after a normal 8 hours of sleep due to low iron, plus I was only eating ~500 cal a day. Instead, I felt alert and was able to do math homework, write, go to work, etc. One weird thing was that my train of thought was totally off..one second I would think “I’m getting out of the bath in two minutes” and immediately follow that with “what am I doing in two minutes?” or I’d be surfing reddit, see a recommended website, open a new tab, then forget what I was doing. + +The second night I was awake, I had this really strong urge to kill myself for about two hours (very different from my normal passive “I want to die” thoughts; this was like a primal irrational urge) and I then spent the rest of the day totally out of it, like my brain was in a different place. I immediately forgot the details of those two hours after they happened so I can’t even really describe it in detail. + +This whole not-sleeping episode came right after a few months of feeling extremely depressed, unable to perform basic activities or care for myself, too anxious to go out or go to classes. + +Anyways, all that to say that I met with a psychiatrist while I was in the unit, and she was considering the possibility of bipolar disorder (I am already diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression). Bipolar disorder is not something I have ever considered before. She was worried about putting me back on antidepressants in case it triggered more mania. What held her back was that generally you should feel an inflated self-esteem during manic episodes, but I didn’t feel that at all. I hated myself and felt more suicidal than ever before. + +So my question is: is anyone here bipolar and feels low self-esteem during manic episodes? Is this possible? As a 17 year old going off to uni next year, GAD and depression are already enough to deal with…I truly hope I do not have BD. But if I do I’d like to figure it out ASAP so I can start getting it under control. Thanks for any help!",Bipolar +45448,"How long did it take to be diagnosed (uk) I am starting to write a mood diary before I go to my GP and beg to be looked at. + +I have throughout my life had what I think is bipolar. I'll have wonderful drive for a month or two and then over a day (sometimws) I'll go into a deep depression for months. It just happens and then I'll go back to feeling like I can take on the world etc. Rinse and repeat. + +During my highs I have enrolled on courses (which I've paid for £1k+) and I'll do them and then I'll get into my depressive episode and that's the end of the course. I am hard to live with during my lows and fun (but irritable) when I am high. + +I should add though I do have some reprieve sometimes I just feel ""fine but that's few and far between.",Bipolar +45449,"Could I be bipolar? For years I've been dealing with what feels like cycles of depression. I'll descend into a deep depression over the course of 2-3 weeks and then immediately feel great (but not manic) for a few days before the cycle starts again. In the past year the depressions have gotten worse to the point of me attempting suicide twice and self-harming frequently. + +I now see a therapist and psychiatrist and they've put me on lamictal, wellbutrin, and abilify. I've tried several meds and lamictal has by far been the most helpful in keeping me emotionally stable, without significant side effects. + +My psychiatrist has diagnosed me as having major depressive disorder. He claims I'm not bipolar because I haven't experienced any manic episodes, but I don't feel like MDD fully describes my symptoms. + +Could I be bipolar, or do I just have recurrent depression with mood swings?",Bipolar +45450,"Do you still get depressed even when stabilised? As bipolar is a degenerative disorder as much as I hate to believe it, do you still get depression, is your memory, cognition getting worse even when you're stabilised. + +I can't even think for crap. Meds have made me crap. ",Bipolar +45451,"Don’t you realize we do everything we really wanted and thought when we are manic ? Opposite when we are depressed , we do the things we don’t want to do and have to think about the things we don’t want to think about.",Bipolar +45452,"X-post bipolar - they say to stop smoking bud but don’t have to deal with the suicidal thoughts I mean I get it, you’re gunna tell me that ‘in the long run it’s better’. Go ahead and tell me how to get to the long run when it feels like you’re taking on the battle of life on your own with no reprieve. I’m fucking tired and they all give a shit til it actually matters ",Bipolar +45453,"I just need to put this out there I feel miserable. I'm so sad, I'm sick to my stomach. I'm at the point where I'm disgusted with my own voice. I don't know what thoughts are real anymore. I feel that there are spirits manipulating me, and that they want me to think I'm sick. I feel like meds will only allow them to take over. I feel agitated, and my seroquel is barely helping me sleep. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have nobody to turn to. My family doesn't believe in psychiatric disorders and I'm tired of worrying my SO. I'm not suicidal but I just feel like I can't keep living like this for much too long. I'm just tired. I don't know anyone who's been diagnosed bipolar so it's good to read posts on here that I can relate to. Just needed to vent :/",Bipolar +45454,"A Revolution in the Treatment of Depression ? — A BBC article looking at the link between depression and inflammation. You can read the article here: + +* http://www.bbc.com/news/health-37166293 + +From the article: + +>Inflammation is part of the immune system's response to danger. It is a hugely complicated process to prepare our body to fight off hostile forces. +If inflammation is too low then an infection can get out of hand. If it is too high, it causes damage. +> +>And for some reason, about one-third of depressed patients have consistently high levels of inflammation. Hayley is one of them: ""I do have raised inflammation markers, I think normal is under 0.7 and mine is 40, it's coming up regularly in blood tests."" +> +>There is now a patchwork quilt of evidence suggesting inflammation is more than something you simply find in some depressed patients, but is actually the cause of their disease. That the immune system can alter the workings of the brain. + +Hopefully this might offer another treatment approach for those of us who mostly suffer from depression. + +There is also a 30 minute BBC podcast on the subject [here](http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07pj2pw)",Bipolar +45455,"Lithium Stories (for anyone on lithium) I recently got prescribed to lithium and I am interested in hearing your lithium stories, related to anything. Comment Below!! :)",Bipolar +45456,"Low grade hypomania is back...and I love it Before my GP put me on antidepressants and spiraled me into a year long crazy cycling that had me re diagnosed to BP I, my mania was a manageable, predictable state that had me making lists of frugality, cleaning like crazy, working out and eating healthy. + +I enjoyed the time, and the depression that followed was usually low-grade as well--general irritability and annoyance of friends, feeling like I no longer loved my boyfriend (which in stability, I found out I don't) + +Over that last few months I have finally become stable. Until recently. My medicine has been spotty and once I felt the mania coming I stopped taking it at all. + +Back on meds but still manic. I love the feeling. It isn't the crazy ""god is speaking to"" staying up all night redesigning a fish tank (why?) or hyper reorganizing that left my house a total disaster as I couldn't have the focus to follow through. + +It's back to setting goals, making lists, focusing on healthy and happiness. Low-grade mania actually makes me SAVE money--I become obsessed with spending as little as I can (whereas the mania from antidepressants had me blow 20k over 4 months) + +I feel like I'm enjoying living again. Stability is so... so boring. And the problem with stability is that I never learned self-discipline in the face of not having manic inspirations. It isn't depression, but my room becomes a complete mess, I don't take my dogs on walks, I don't try at work. Again, that's simply because I am so USED to feeling inspiration and energy from mania, that stability requires discipline and vigilance that I have never had to learn. + +So why should I go back on meds? To me, this is worth the depression. I become ultra-functional. Functional enough that I can ride out the depressions as people become used to and aware of my energy and motivation. I understand the mania from before, the mania that had me re diagnosed as Bipolar I--that was purely induced from meds-- is unsustainable. I didn't even enjoy it. But this is something altogether different. It is ME. I don't know 'stability', that is not me. I don't even dislike it as I'm going through it, but now that I'm experiencing the energy again I don't think I can go back. + +How am I supposed to write poetry, paint, play the piano, clean, focus on my healthy--how am I supposed to do that stable when I have no knowledge of self-discipline that makes you drudge through you chores while you're tired and uninspired. + +I almost feel bad for 'stable' people--to never experience the inspiration that we have. On the other hand, comparing stability to this makes it a no-brainer that this is better. Even the depression was apart of me before. Stability is a whole different person, someone that I don't particularly like.",Bipolar +45457,"Place to study at night? **One sentence version:** I started a class at night school and am looking for a place to study outside of my house. + +**Version with pertinent information:** I just started school to get my real estate license. I'm *really* proud of myself for taking it on, haha, but I have run into a problem. Like so many here I dont sleep well and pretty much never at night. I go to class in the evening, get out about 10:30, go to the gym, then come home. At this point I'd normally waste the rest of the night on the internet but now I have serious studying to do. I live with my parents so Im confined to my room at night for light and sound reasons. The thing is, I'm finding it *very difficult* to study there because it's not fun to do and I am surrounded by entertainment options! I do really well at the library but it's obviously closed in the middle of the night and I'm having a hard time getting up early enough to get there before class. (I've been sleeping from about 10am to about 3pm.) + +I'm trying to be a big boy and just have some will power but I figured I'd see if you guys have any ideas of places that I could study at night? Thought there might be some other night owls here with experience in 24hr establishments. + +Thanks for your time. ",Bipolar +45458,"New sub created for depressed fellows to make friends :) Hi everyone! We understand how tough it is to go through depression alone, and how important emotional support can be. Thus, we have created a platform catered specifically for depressed redditors to share their social experiences and make friends with one another!. This new sub is called /r/FriendsForDepressed/, and we gladly invite you to join our subreddit! Thank you for reading and we hope you have a nice day ahead :)",Bipolar +45459,"Is being forgetful part of having Bipolar? I've noticed even before I was diagnosed that I tend to forget memories a lot. I don't remember much of my childhood to teenage years except significant ones. I forget what happens to movies I just watched. If I ever get asked if I watched something and I'll say yes, it doesn't really look like it because I have nothing to contribute to the discussion. That's how I kind of realized I have poor memory. + +I'm not talking about forgetting things I need to bring but really actual memories. + +Do I forget them because they just don't matter that much? It's something that I assumed just part of growing up but I'm not so sure if this is 'normal' or not. Do you have this experience too?",Bipolar +45460,"had my meltdown lastnight i just want to say this, i had my meltdown lastnight... i pop the pill and increase the dosage 3x was hoping i could end everything..... and took me flat in just 30 minute... my body feel very heavy and my heart racing then totally black out... + +i know i shouldn't do that.. i cant take it anymore last night ... + +today woke up in the morning i feel empty... i dont know what to do... i feel nothing .... + +",Bipolar +45461,"Don't know who to believe.. I was diagnosed BP2 about 2 months ago after a very scary breakdown. I have always had highs and lows, but sometimes reading about Mania is just not what I've ever felt. Maybe its hypomania, but can't that just mean I'm energetic and feeling good? I know I struggle with depression, and have all my life. After I got my diagnosis, I got really up up up and dyed my hair pink- and went out drinking a lot. Is that mania? Or just me? I always have had suicidal thoughts, and my imagination is just really strong. Now the more I read about BP I am learning that some of what I thought was just normal, are my own delusions or hallucinations. Like, not everyone feels like this. Which also makes me question everything. + +Which makes me feel weird. I feel like I don't know who to believe. My psych definitely thinks I have bipolar. My S/O also thinks I have it. However some friends I have told say that I am fine. That I am in a toxic relationship that is making me question my sanity. Now I've got all this lithium cursing through my body that is probably also contributing to me questioning my diagnosis. + +Is this just another one of those times I am trying to get myself off meds so in 6 months I can just start all over again because I actually need them? ",Bipolar +45462,"experience with doxepin? Currently getting of seroquel, first tried traxadone didnt work for sleep then now doxepin.. its makes me sleep but having nightmares. + +anyone here tried doxepin? any problems with sleep? weight gain? + +currently on lamotrigine 100mg and doxepin 10mg (i take two) + +thank you",Bipolar +45463,I'm going to the doctors soon to see if I have bipolar My mum has bipolar so we are assuming it will be genetic. I've researched it a bit but am stuck between the terms. I'm going to let the doctor diagnose me though. What I'd like to know is what to expect going into this and most likely coming out as someone with bipolar. Is there something I need to keep in mind? Anything I could keep tabs on to help the diagnosis? Any advice is appreciated.,Bipolar +45464,"Been on this med for 15+ yrs for sleep At one time I was taking 600mg+ a night at one point in my life, now I'm down to 200mg and looking to get off it completely. Over that time I've gained over 100lbs from always being 175. No energy is not helping either.",Bipolar +45465,"I'm so broken right now *TW* TW: suicidal thoughts +I'm stuck and scared guys. You know that first question they always ask you, *any thoughts of hurting yourself or others?* well I always answer no with the addendum of ""thoughts, however I would never want my family to find me like that or deal with the pain."" + +But recently the thoughts are getting worse, my mind won't stop racing, heart pounding, I'm crying one minute then angry, I'm getting little to no sleep, my paranoia of being watched by my neighbor and others is getting worse (ya, stupid I know can't help it). My psych doc I saw just last week and told him I'm really really struggling and don't think the meds have been working I'm so depressed and anxious and I've been waiting for them to ""kick in fully"" for almost six months. + +He did not address my anxiety, I brought up my meds not working three goddamn times and finally he said let's wait another month and see if it gets better. I can't wait another month, I'm in pain so bad mentally and physically. I'm tired of this, I cut my hair super short again so I would stop pulling it now but now my skin picking has doubled and that gives me anxiety about getting help because I'm worried they will think I'm on drugs cause the picking. + +I went to a inpatient facility in July last year and it didn't help at all I have been so scared of them doing nothing while I sit in a strange place for another ten days not getting better. Last time the psych doc took me off my anxiety meds as soon as I got checked in because he didn't like them and despite many freak out the clinic left me to cry hidden in the corner of my room for hours multiple days. + + Psych doc kept trying to put me back on seroquel even though I told him it makes me freak out he wanted me to try it anyways I did it did nothing but make me panic cry and my heart felt like it would burst (my BPM was 168 thought I was dying). I want to go hide for the rest of my life I want this misery to end. But I'm kinda stuck right now and it's making me panic more out of indecision. + +My mother is very ill, can't walk well and I help her, my brother is also mentally sick and I keep him together when he gets nuts. My mom is struggling right now, goes to court regarding disability soon so she's nuts and we were talking and I'm saying it's getting very hard for me daily to even live. + +She said she knows and is very sorry and shed suggest more but she's crazy right now and can't deal with the added stress and I told her OK. But I don't know if I can. I'm so tired of fixing everything else besides myself, I feel guilty about needing help, feeling suicidal, feel like a failure. I want help but I'm scared they won't do anything or flat out ignore me again. I'm very scared and unstable but I feel so fucking guilty if I leave to get help because my family needs me to take care of things they are like little children if I am not around (I am in my mid 20s now) they can't do shit it seems. + + Sorry I'm frustrated and rambling but at my wits end and could really use some advice. Thanks.",Bipolar +45466,"Don’t know if I have Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar? Sorry if my this doesn’t come out properly, I feel sometimes as if I have so many Things to say, but I don’t know exactly what it is to say. This is mostly a venting. + + +When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with Depression. I’ve mostly felt depressed my entire life due to emotional, physical and sexual abuse growing up. I was always tired, fatigued, I could barely get up in the morning and do things as simple as brushing my hair, taking a shower, eating, etc. + +After I got married, whenever my husband and I would get into arguments, I would feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I would scream and start to hit him, it literally felt like my mind was going to burst, and sometimes I would place my hands on my head to keep my thoughts from blowing up. But then when I would blow up, I would start screaming and hitting things without any discernible purpose. + +We just thought I was just an overly emotional person, because we never assumed anything was wrong other than my depression. So we went through several years of that, until a few years ago, I had an emotional affair with someone that literally seemed it came out of NOWHERE. At that time We started going to a doctor for depression where he also diagnosed me with bipolar depression(?), and anxiety. and then prescribed me, vibryyd, then lamictol, trileptol, Zoloft, Gabpentin, (sorry for the spelling) and then finally Wellbutrin. (Not all at the same time just in a period of a year) I also went to a therapist who told me to pretty much divorce my husband and at that time I felt like that was the greatest thing to do, so I went through with it up until the paperwork, and then suddenly decided I didn’t want to go through with it. Around that time I also stopped my affair extremely abruptly; it felt like I literally woke up one day and didn’t want anything to do with that person and situation. Throughout all this time, I’ve had about 15 jobs, either quitting or being fired. I would be really happy for months, I would be excellent at my job, then suddenly I felt like doing nothing, I would lose complete interest and that showed in my quality of work. There was also a point where I drank heavily when I had the affair, to the point where I would be drunk everyday. That feeling to get drunk did go away just as quickly as the feeling to have the affair did as well. + +Thankfully my husband and I got through it all, he forgave me and I’ve been extremely consistent with my medicine and trying to make things as easy as possible for my mental health. + +My doctor at that time prescribed me Xanax for my anxiety with did not help AT ALL. It made me feel like hell. If I took it and didn’t fall asleep immediately after, my body and bones would feel like they were shaking, and my mind felt like everything was sped up even more. This caused me to jump in front of oncoming traffic to kill myself because the pain was just so bad. I wasn’t harmed thankfully, but I did get baker acted until I weaned my self off the Xanax, which was an incredibly low dose, if I remember correctly. I also put on 20 pound during this time which worsened my depression. + +After all this, my doctor took me off Xanax, and lamictol, and just kept me on a new medicine, Wellbutrin CL (300mg) I felt GREAT. I suddenly had all the energy in the world, and was able to get up and do things! I did have some depressive days, but they went away fairly quickly. I was really happy, I thought I found the medicine for me! But it stopped working, I got more depressed and at the same time, I found myself getting More and more irritable, my emotions blew up again, I couldn’t have arguments without screaming in a rage and hitting myself or my husband, and my anxiety was getting worse to the point of being angry and irritated all the time. + +Instead of going back to the doctor, we found a new one and he pretty much told me that my old doctor was just treating my depression while my bipolar disorder was not in check. So he decreased my Wellbutrin to 150mg and gave me back my lamictol and added 25mg of seroquel as a sleep aid. + +I’m happy that this doctor is really trying to fix what the last doctor messed up, but my concern now is that, what if I just have Borderline personality disorder instead? Someone told me that those people have REALLY intense emotions, which is what I feel now, but I don’t want to diagnose myself, when the doctor already told me I have bipolar disorder. I just have a lot of distrust if that makes sense. Also this seroquel makes me so drowsy, I sleep 12+ hours and all day I feel this grogginess like a zombie almost and I’ve only been at 50 mg- 25mg. I feel calm and relaxed but it feels like my body is so slow. So I’m just worried that this medicine isn’t really for me and just another med that will make me lose my mind. I just don’t know what to feel or if I’m bipolar or just depressed and all this makes my head spin and Feel even more hopeless. ",Bipolar +45467,"Depression I am becoming increasingly depressed. I’m very unhappy with my work/Financial situation. I’m unhappy with my body. I’m just unhappy. I feel like someone put molasses in my brain to gunk it up and slow it down. + +Besides contacting my doctor I don’t know what to do. I tend to be manic and not depressed very often.",Bipolar +45468,"I've been wondering about having bipolar for a while. So I've been at a psychiatrist for about a year now and been diagnosed with depression and AD(H)D (the psychiatrist used them quite interchangeably). I've been taking SSRI medications for a while now. + +But sometimes when I would go for a scheduled appointment, I didn't feel depressed at all, then a couple of days later I would be back in depression. + +Now my depression feels completely cured. I haven't been able to see any effects of it for over two weeks, I even didn't take antidepressants for a week (I know I really shouldn't have done it and I started taking them again) and nothing happened. + +This took me by complete surprise, since nothing in my life has changed during this time. I have been considering the possibility of a longer hypomanic episode, but I don't what bipolar is like. + +I sleep very poorly so I can't comment on the reduced need of sleep that is associated with mania. + +I will talk about this at my next appointment but would really appreciate input from people with bipolar.",Bipolar +45469,"Victory Saturday, Goal Setting Sunday, and other topic threads. Hello everyone! + +First off announcements: + +/u/ssnakeggirl, /u/Reaper_of_Souls, and I will be taking over the Small Victory Saturday and Goal Setting Sunday posts, as well as adding a ""Wellness Wednesday"" with the goal of engaging the community more. I'll let /u/ssnakeggirl go into more detail about this possible thread topic. + +We'd like to thank /u/Scurius for doing such a good job with the Victory and Goal setting posts. + +Secondly, we would like to use this post to ask you if there any specific topics you would like to see as threads? + +Let us know what you think!",Bipolar +45470,"Latuda Dose Increase? I've been taking 20mg of latuda since october 2016 with 1500mg of lithium.. the latuda definitely gave me the mood/functioning boost i didn't even realize i needed and i feel like i'm back headed towards the rut where my medication could be more on point, but nonetheless its working. + +my pdoc suggested i go from 20mg latuda to 40mg. i'm thinking about agreeing to it and increasing before i have an episode that forces me to switch up my meds.. i just have a few concerns about increasing... + +i haven't experienced any side effects from latuda. what are some of the things to be aware of that you guys have experienced when you started taking it or when you increased your dose? next, do i need to eat even more before i take it? that may be a dumb question but the nausea is excruciating when not eating enough even after 20mg. and last, did you guys like have any side effects after increasing? maybe being overtired or a major mood shift? +idk i'll stop rambling, just looking to hear some peoples thoughts/advice/experience with increasing their dose. + +THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!",Bipolar +45471,"Trying to fight through with no help. Failing miserably. I've always struggled with depression but this is the worst it's ever been. I can't really open up to my family because they aren't the best support. My boyfriend has been going through lots of stress and just spends his time in video games. (I don't blame him. It's been tough) I do not have health insurance at the moment, although, I should have it within a few months. The timing could not be worse and I'm trying.. so.. hard to remain positive. Despite having the worst depression of my life I've managed to stay interested in the things I enjoy. Recently, I've grown more and more uninterested and numb. Today I don't feel like doing anything. I stayed in bed all day I barely ate and haven't had any water. I barely want to move. I'm thinking about suicide every chance I get and breathing feels like a chore. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of posting I just needed to tell someone. I need to go to a hospital or something but I can not. This is the worst feeling ever. Knowing you need help but can't receive any and being completely alone on top of that. Honestly, my cats are keeping me going at this point. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy depression is a terrible, terrible thing. I don't think I can even talk without feeling like I'm going to cry yet I feel so numb? It's hard to explain it. ",Bipolar +45472,"I think the police are coming Last night I took my normal medication and vitamins for Bipolar I. Then I started the shower on 100% hot. I pulled out. Few other medications - just 2ish doses - and took them. I just wanted to see what it could feel like. I showered nice and hot (I'm a girl so the fires of hell would be comfortable lol), then laid down and listens to my playlist. The steamy bathroom and songs I love felt good. + +My husband woke up at 1am to use the restroom and asked me' ""what the hell are you doing?"" Then moved on. I have been hiding this for so long. Thinking and planning and trying to figure things out. On my way to work he told me to drop my attitude and I lost it and told him everything. Everything I've kept secret for 9 months. I told him my final plan and what I'd done. + +He told me to go home or he'd call the police to my work. So I kept on going to work. He's not my master. But I don't want them to take me. I have a degree in psychology and this isn't my first, or fifth run of this. I know what to say to stay out. But this is the first time a family member has called. I don't want to go. It won't help or change how I feel. I have an amazing therapist, psychiatrist, and Dr. I'm not emotional or desperate. I just don't want to try every day like this. Trying to look and act normal and happy. + +Yesterday my husband and mother in law told me I'm doing a shit job covering it. So what's the point anyways? I can't hide it. No one wants to hear it. I told my husband I want his support, but the only thing he will say is he is calling the police. + +So maybe they are coming, maybe not. ",Bipolar +45473,"Mania So everything I've read about bipolar I and II says that most people's mania is periods of high energy and productivity to the point where they might not even sleep bc they're doing things like crazy. I'm diagnosed with bipolar, but I've never experienced that. My downs are major depression and I have suicidal thoughts a lot, but when I'm not depressed I'm angry. Like I'm so pissed off at everything, and the slightest tiny thing could trigger it and make me so mad for an hour or so, and then I'll be back to normal, or back to being depressed. Or, I'll have a couple days or a week where I'm really pissed off and snapping at everyone around me, and then it'll go away and I'll be depressed again. + +I've never felt that ""on top of the world"" kind of feeling that I've read about on Reddit and in doing research about bipolar. It's always anger or depression for me. ",Bipolar +45474,"How do you contact your p-doc outside of appointments? Hey all, posting under alt throwaway for reasons. + +I recently had a pdoc retire which meant dealing with the lovely process of finding a new one. It took months and was all around bad. So I finally started seeing this new doc and things are looking better... + +Except last week I started getting some side effects from a meds tweak we had agreed on. I wanted to register my experiences with the doctor before they got lost to my utterly fractured memory. + +Let me note that over the past decade-plus I have worked with six other pdocs and every single one of them offered two direct contact channels *at least* - a private voicemail box and a private email. They have all been clear that answers were not guaranteed let alone timely, and emergencies always go to 911. Most had a list of on-call staff you could talk to within minutes. + +Biggest thing for me is the privacy. Legal implications aside, **I don't want ANYONE reading/listening to the stuff I disclose to my pdoc.** + +So here's the kicker. New doc gave me his contact card at initial appointment; so far so good. Dumbass me loses the card. Call receptionist to ask doctor to get in touch, either via email or phone. + +I was told that the receptionist is the ""best"" person to email and straight up didn't get an answer to the phone question. Not even a ""we can have the doctor call you when they get a chance."" + +On top of this a ton of people are telling me this is MY broken expectations and doctors never give out contact info. + +I am so confused, frustrated, angry, and generally miserable about this... And the original side effects are getting worse. + +Is my experience really that weird? Or do these people just not have a clue? + +Someone tell me I'm not crazy! (Ok, that would be a lie.)",Bipolar +45475,"Catastrophic anxiety + panic anyone? Anxiety in itself isn’t new for me but this is next level. + +From my own mortality to the plane I’m flying on crashing/hijacked, to the car crashing and bursting into flames with my children inside while only I escape, to terrorist attacks in a city McDonalds... it’s becoming a huge problem. I get so carried away in the thought of whatever scenario I am picturing that I get to high panic really easily and I can’t talk myself down easily and hit a benzo as needed. I’m going overseas in 6 months and the “I can’t go. This will happen” has already started. + +Anyone else? Fuck this. I haven’t had this in my life for over 10 years and have no idea how I got over it back then. + +(Am in therapy, don’t have an appointment for another month)",Bipolar +45476,"sertraline - wired and low at the same time I’m on sertraline. I started the transition from citalopram at the start of December. When I saw the psych at that time I was all over the place between up and bouncing around too fast after a small depression blip. + +I’m on 100mg now and have been for 9 days. I’m not feeling any better. Just before the increase I was very nearly in crisis (low) hence the increase. Now I’m struggling to get as good quality sleep. I wake up a lot and feel wired way past the time that I usually go to bed at. So I’m down a few hours in my sleep. + +I keep getting the failure thoughts and accompanying low thoughts. Everything feels far away, like not really real. Like loving behind a smoke screen. Everything is dull and there’s no enjoyment to be had from anything. It’s all just motions. + +Has anyone else had these experiences with sertraline? Will it pass? I’m also on Quetiapine XL 300mg. This has been helpful for levelling me out but I need an antidepressant too. (BP2) + +Thanks. That turned out a bit long. Sorry about that. ",Bipolar +45477,"Reputable online screening I really think I have bipolarity, I really don't want anyone else to know, especially family, and was wondering if you all could recommend a reliable, reputable online test for it. I just want to have a more firm comprehension of what I feel. Thanks in advance!",Bipolar +45478,"I just flunked out of university. After 6 years of trying, I gave up on my 26th birthday. I found out that I have comorbid non-verbal learning disability, and that's why I flunked out of STEM so hard. I have decided to never go back to university. I was in computer science, which has an average IQ of around 124, and the only degree relevant to horticulture, which is what I want to go into, is biology, and I'm too bad at chemistry to make it work. 86% of bipolar people don't finish college, and I'm no exception. I have been put on Latuda and Lamotrigine instead of lithium, and I'm rapidly losing weight. In a year, I will be thin. I used to be really obese. + +https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bipolar-you/201005/graduating-bachelor-s-in-perseverance-the-challenges-completing-college +",Bipolar +45479,"Sickness and depression So, I’ve been manic or mixed since before September. Now with this viral bronchitis crap, I’m crying a lot more and just want to sleep. Hello, depression. Even though, for me, depression is safer than mania, god I miss mania. + +I want to know the stats with sickness and mood change. ",Bipolar +45480,"Why do I want to ruin my life? There's a not insignificant part of me that wants to go be a wild and crazy person and I don't know why. My life is great. I am in my last year of college/grad school in a subject I care about. I have a wonderful loving husband. I do a sport and am in two bands. I have a good relationship with my family. My part time job is pretty good. I like all of this. + +But also i want to say fuck it all! ghost everyone I know, runaway with just what I can fit in my car (and have enough room to sleep in the back seat) and throw my life away for a new, shittier one. I want to quit my meds. I want to go to a bunch of bars and sleep at a stranger's house every night. I want to do whatever drugs I can get my hands on and inevitably fall back into addiction. I want to skip work and go skiing on a tuesday. I want to inevitably hate myself for doing all these things. I want to burn out in blaze of glory.",Bipolar +45481,"finally got up the courage to go to the Psychiatrist. I'd been hesitant.. scared.. wary.. about going before. Thoughts racing through my head of what a diagnosis would mean for me. My pdoc didn't feel comfortable giving me a diagnosis for anything other than general anxiety/depression, and recommended I go to a specialist so I could get more accurate treatment. Took me well over a year to finally go. I'd made appointments and blew them off , never actually going. I'm so glad I did now. + + +I had to get over the fact that I would get diagnosed with 'something' and it would be on my medical records. I guess I had some preconceived notion that it would never go away and there would be some sort of stigma attached to me everywhere I go. Irrational as that may sound, it is what prevented me from seeking professional help. + + +I finally went this past Monday, spent an hour with a P.A. talking about my history, what meds I am currently on (Lexapro/Wellbutrin from my pdoc), etc. She took that information and talked to one of their head Psychiatrists about it, then came back about 15 minutes later with him. He was very nice, understanding, and seemed genuinely interested and concerned about my care. My personal research proved to be right. I have Bipolar II. I felt an inner sense of calmness and clarity now that I had a professional, someone that has spent their life studying conditions such as this, verifying that yes indeed, there was something amiss in my brain. And that better help was coming. + + +Lexapro had been working WONDERS for my anxiety and slightly for depression as well. Wellbutrin didn't seem to do much, but made life ""liveable"". I was not thriving or excited about anything. Just going through the motions. + + +He took me off Wellbutrin and replaced it with a mood stabilizer, Trileptal. I stopped the Wellbutrin cold turkey and started Trileptal that same night. I had a really good Tuesday and today is looking great as well. + + +I feel much better now that I was finally able to get over myself and get proper help, and hopefully better meds to balance my moods. I have a follow up appointment in 2 weeks. By then I hope to see even more positive changes with the Trileptal. + + +I also chose to stop drinking cold turkey as well. I knew I had been drinking too much for too long. Each time I drank it was 6+ beers, and sometimes 4-5 nights a week. It became routine. A way to quell my mind at the end of the night. To slow the racing thoughts. It took the words from the Psychiatrist to really cement it in my brain that alcohol counteracts anti depressants and that in order to feel better, I would need to make a lifestyle change. He said the Trileptal would assist in those nighttime racing thoughts. + + +I even stopped smoking cannabis. This happened after I started the Wellbutrin. I think that can be attributed to the fact that Wellbutrin is somewhat of a cessation tool used for people quitting cigarettes. The urge or desire to smoke (which used to be daily) just stopped. I don't care anymore. It doesn't really do anything for me. Even with my MMJ card and specific strains, all it really did was numb me and slow my brain down (again like with Alcohol to slow the racing thoughts). So without the alcohol and cannabis, I feel strongly that I can finally let my mind be a blank slate for the psych meds to work properly and not be counteracted or made less effective by other psychoactive chemicals. + + +I am committed to feeling better, and if drinking La Croix instead of beer helps in any way, I'm all for it. I want to be able to let the meds do their job in the most effective manner. + + +Thanks for being here, community. I may not post much but do lurk frequently and have gleaned a ton of helpful insights over time since I have been subbed. + + +I hope you all have a wonderful day!",Bipolar +45482,"Struggling to re-adjust my sleeping pattern after depressive episode - any tips? Hi all. I'm looking for some practical advice. + +I've been pretty depressed the past couple months since I quit my job in October. I'm also studying at Uni and have like 6 hours of contact time a week. I've really been struggling to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning and so my sleeping pattern has been destroyed. + +My circadian rhythm is now set almost in reverse. I don't feel tired until 4/5 am in the morning and wake up around 3/4 pm in the afternoon. I've upped my meds (Seroquel) which used to help me sleep at night but it isn't really making much difference at the moment. + +I'm desperate to try and re-adjust my pattern because it's making my low mood even worse. It gets dark early here in the winter so I have no exposure to sunlight. I'm running on a different time to everyone else so I get minimal socialisation. It's preventing me from passing out of my depressive phase big time.",Bipolar +45483,"An Unquiet Mind “There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”",Bipolar +45484,"Really bad new symptom and want to make sure I'm thinking of everything to tell my pDoc. I'm having a really hard time. My brain just isn't working right. I have to type everything I'm saying 2 or 3 times, I've never had a problem with that before. I play hockey and I'm usually pretty good and now I had no idea what to do with the puck. I even missed a pDoc appointment because I couldn't find the office I have been to probably 50 times. I just couldn't work out where it was. + +I'm trying to work out anything that's different or not to tell him. I've not sleeping differently, I'm not taking any over the counter meds, I'm not changing my prescription meds, No dietary changes. + +What else should I think about to tell him? It's been like this for a couple days and I'm really scared. I've been stable for a while and this is the worst I've been in a very long time. + +edit: And now my pDoc is sick and I can't get an appointment until Tuesday. Which is pretty shitty.",Bipolar +45485,"Maybe I should throw up my meds more often! /s When I was last at the hospital (2 months ago), the docs increased my Latuda from 60 mg to 80 mg. I immediately started experiencing nausea as soon as I took it, so my nurse gave me that minty Maalox stuff that you drink out of a little cup. They said that my body would adjust to the higher dose and to just give it some time. + +Well, the nausea didn’t go away, and I’ve thrown up my meds twice (last night was the second time) and experienced nausea and/or stomach pain every day or almost every day. They said to take it with food, and I did, but it didn’t make a difference. + +I also got a phone charger that lights up for Christmas, and its brightness was preventing me from getting good sleep. I thought I could put it as far away from my bed as possible and not have it affect me, but it was still too bright. + +Throwing up meds + ? days of unrestful sleep due to too much light from the charger = waking up at 4am and completing 5 of my Chinese lessons, restlessly pacing the house for an hour straight and then doing 200 crunches nonstop. Mind you, I am someone who barely exercises so this was pretty out of character for me! My parents were concerned at first but then we all joked around about how I’d get a 6 pack and I should start my own fitness plan (manic state recommended but not required ??). I admire them a lot for their strength and composure in situations like these. + +Feeling restless and like you can’t sit still even for a moment without screaming is pretty uncomfortable, but at least I was able to get that energy out in a positive and productive way. I ended up getting in 5000 steps this morning, so that’s pretty good! Only another 5000 to go :) + +So, I’m going to put the charger in a different room (even though I don’t want to because it’s really cute :’( ) and talk to my psychiatrist about lowering my Latuda so I don’t have as many stomach-related side effects. I also need to make a commitment to myself to exercise on a more regular basis. I was going to the gym every day for a few days but then I got sick and couldn’t do anything for almost a week. I’m feeling better now so I’m going to get back on the bandwagon. + +Thanks for reading! ",Bipolar +45486,"“Just when we think we have all the answers, all the questions change.” - Mario Benedetti Often I find myself like this. Thinking I have it all figured out and then things change or my expectations change, and I realise I’m lost again. + +Just when I think I’m starting to do really well, something comes up and destabilises me. Sometimes even something good... + +Anyone? ",Bipolar +45487,"I had ECT and it changed my life I was hospitalized over a week ago for a suicide attempt. Since I've been on around 30 different meds without much results, I requested ETC (electro convulsive therapy) since they did it at the hospital I was in. I got three rounds of treatment and my depression has been zapped out of my brain. I feel so much better. Just had to share. :)",Bipolar +45488,"Just wanted to say thank you for the irc chat link It has helped me so much as well as so many others. We're able to talk in realtime with each other instead of typing out everything and waiting for replies. It's active at all hours of the day and night. I've seen people come into the chat in an absolute crisis and be talked down and feel good when they left. + +I know there was a very short period where the chat link was removed and I almost lost my sh*t. + +I dont think the chat gets the recognition it deserves. I'm not an oper in the channel but I'd be more than willing to answer any questions. + +Some of us old guys grew up on slip/ppp and use chatrooms for 20yrs, it's an invaluable resource and one the moderators of this sub should be proud of. + +Everyone is welcome and you should stop by and say hi :)",Bipolar +45489,"Is there a sure way to tell when you're going up? I can feel that energy coming on again. It's only been a month since my last episode, though. I can't tell if I'm just having a good day, but my good days normally don't feel like this. + +I'm pretty heavily medicated, so it wouldn't make sense. + +Are there any sure warning signs I should be looking out for?",Bipolar +45490,"I think I'm losing it I don't really feel anything. I'm like a zombie, just going through the motions. I can smile, but it's hard work. The noise of the world has died down, and all i hear is my own breathing. I'm winding down like a machine falling apart. I forget what I'm doing and suddenly realise, that I've been standing still, just looking at nothing, for god knows how long. + +The day before yesterday i almost got hit by a car, and I didn't even flinch. I barely registered other people's shocked expressions, and just kept going. +I think, that if the car had hit me, I would've flown through the air, and crashed to the ground, with that detached look on my face still. +I usually ride my bike (bicycle) with my 9 year old, in traffic, but i think I'd better take the bus for now. +I know this is cause for alarm, but i really have to force myself to care, and take care. You guys know the routine. + +If you've read this far, thanks for reading. +Take care, all of you.",Bipolar +45491,"Positive Medication Experiences Anyone? Psychiatrist wants to start me on Lamictal but I am unbelievably terrified of all medications (even Motrin/Aspirin) due to a severe allergic reaction that landed me in the ER once. Would anyone mind sharing some bipolar medication success stories? There has to be something better than, “it sucks, side effects are miserable, but I’m stable so that’s worth it” out there. I hope there is anyhow...",Bipolar +45492,Any tips on knowing when you're ready to go back to work after being on disability Does anyone have any tips? My mood is starting to lift from a dark depression but I am still worried I am not good enough to return to work. Also I am sleeping 12+ hours a day which would make it hard to function while working.,Bipolar +45493,"I'll never kill myself, but I'll never live either. Not functioning. Live in isolation, can't face the world or anything stressful. Mostly because there is nothing I want in it. I don't try. I do the absolute bare minimum to take care of myself. Thank God for my overprotective mother who never wants me to leave. But this also enables my avoidant behavior; I won't push myself to overcome my anxiety and do things because I don't have to, and don't want anything enough in the first place. So I stay in my comfort zone. I just exist. Every day the same, in hiding really. I don't see suicide as an option, however I'm getting desperate. + +I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time soon but I'm afraid it won't be enough. My family situation also isn't the healthiest, but I feel really helpless on my own. Also have adhd, and anxiety to the extent that nearly everything overwhelms me. I'm very childish, and couldn't imagine handling the responsibilities of living alone. Is anyone else as pathetic as me? I have no friends, no dreams, no desires, no motivation, no stability inside my mind (or outside of it). I need to bond with someone desperately, but who would ever want such an empty person? Yet I'll probably run off and do something impulsive in my desperation to not feel.... this.",Bipolar +45494,"Can your mood change in a day (not rapid cycling) Is it just me or do you find you can be normal one day and depressed the next, and stay in that depression for months on end. I'm not talking rapid cycling through mood. Just it takes a few days to change from depression to mania and you stay there.",Bipolar +45495,"UGGGHHHH I just took my PM meds (that includes something to knock me tf out bc insomnia) instead of AM meds. I spent nearly 10 minutes, to no avail, trying to throw them up bc I have shit to do today and nothing came up. I guess bc there’s nothing really in my stomach?? My tongue and lips- basically whole mouth is kind of numb. Mannn I had shit to do today. I took my AM meds (that include adderall) after puking failed and now that I’m typing this.. I kinda feel fucking great, actually.. but probably shouldn’t drive and I really don’t feel like going literally anywhere. Ohhh, the woes of being bipolar and on 57 medications. Any Netflix recommendations? lol fml (but not really fml bc all this is somehow comical to me now)",Bipolar +45496,"Seeing things can be a medication withdrawal? I been bit down lately since I lost my pet unexpectedly over the Christmas break, I was riding the hyper train for a week and a half then until the day my pet died unexpectedly my mood drop and after the new years I forgot my meds a few times thus rare thing I do, was my idiot fault I know... + +I wasn't sleeping well earlier in the week at 3 am in the dark I thought I saw a shadow person in the distance but it could of been just my imagination of being tired. The last time I saw shadowy people I wasn't sleeping well and sort of in the dumps since Christmas, I have been on my period for 3 weeks due to the neximplanon I been on it only for 4 month still my body getting used to it. I think my iron might be low I been having low iron issues here and there majority of my life so could be the contribution. Going to a doctor get that tested soon. + +Its been a few days since then so it hasn't happened since maybe I am paranoid but that's rare. I am spiritual as a belief so it could contribute fear. + +Edit: I am back on them once I had my routine and medicine alarm on my phone set ??",Bipolar +45497,"The fog has lifted, but I can't tell if it's stability or hypomania After my meds stopped working about a month ago I returned to another awful mixed episode. It was my first period of stability since I first had symptoms two years ago, and I've been so afraid of how long before it would come back. How long I would be useless and unable to function in mixed state hell. I had some med changes last week, but I thought I would never be stable again. + +But this afternoon something changed. It's like my eyes opened wider, my senses were heightened, my energy levels quadrupled, and I now desire to do things. I finally took that shower I couldn't take all week. I was joking around with my family all day and having deep laughs that actually hurt. It felt oh so genuine, too. + +It's not all better, my paranoia's still there, and I was a bit delusional today. Feel a little antsy. My flashbacks of my mania have continued at about the same intensity, as well. + +The thing is the first time I was stable it felt a lot more subtle and not as sudden. It was great since it was the first time I had felt like a person in so long, but this is something else. I feel so disconnected to how I felt just yesterday, it's like it never happened. Like I've been feeling this good forever, and I just woke up from a bad dream. + +The recent med change was increasing my lithium from 900mg@0.6 level to 1200mg@0.9 level. When I was first put on Lithium at only 300mg I had the same high I'm experiencing now, is that typical? Also added on 50mg seroquel, but can a dose that low really do anything yet? + +It might seem overwhelmingly obvious that I'm hypomanic right now, but idk. For one I haven't been hypomanic in so long, recently it's either been manic or mixed manic. Also I feel more in control compared to when I was last hypomanic. More self-aware and hopefully less annoying. Then again maybe that's because I have more experience with this hell now. + +Idk, I really want to just savor how good I feel but I'm kinda worried + + + + +",Bipolar +45498,"I can't decide about school... The second semester just started and idk what to do... I haven't been to school since before Christmas and right now my goals are to take a shower every week and get through the day. I was gone for some time last semester as well and will probably not get a grade in a few classes. This week I met with my school counselor, main teacher and my ""psychologist"" about school. I'm currently being evaluated for bipolar but it seems pretty clear that I'm going to be put on some medication at least, which is kind of terrifying. Though it will be some time until then. + +So, my options are to either take the rest of the school year off and start this autumn redoing my school year, or take 3 classes now and the rest next year. Everyone excepts me to have an answer, but I don't. I can't even answer simple questions like ""What do you want to eat?"". I wish somebody would just tell me even though I know I have to decide myself. I just can't seem to care. I could barely speak and focus throughout the meeting and my mom ended up speaking mostly. The psychologist brought up shortly how I was last time we talked and I felt shameful for how I had acted. I talked with my brother about how things have been lately and he could kind of relate to my ""ups"", only it's from his experiences with drugs. I didn't think it was that bad and it seems he thought he was experiencing a milder version of what I was experiencing. That hit me. + +Right now it's like I'm taking a look into myself looking at things that seem new to me and all of this is overwhelming and having to evaluate myself is freaky. Idk if school thrown into the mix will help, and now my whole class knows I struggle mentally (in Norway we have a main class that take certain subjects together). I've also been oversharing with some people and I feel like everyone is looking at me differently. I feel like a disease and a pushover. I'm making everything worse and being distant to everyone but I can't help it. Mom deserves better than me. Though it would maybe be better to take 3 classes now instead of everything next year. The thing is that I haven't been able to concentrate at all. Up or down. When I was up there was just too much noise in my head and I had too many other plans. I couldn't even concentrate on what I wanted to do and kept jumping between a lot of things. Still I was 100% sure I could catch up to everything in a couple days which didn't happen. I ended up not sleeping making a workout schedule that was ridiculous, especially for someone who doesn't excercise, drinking a lot of Bailey's to calm down (didn't work) even though I rarely drink, then jogging and working out. Then turning really suicidal and lashing out for 2-3 days before becoming numb. I hate that I want to live yet die so badly at the same time. But. This wasn't what I was going to talk about. I was talking about school. + +This turned out more like a rant than I would like but it feels better to let it out I guess. Took an hour to write this. Time moves so differently.",Bipolar +45499,"Insights from over two years of custom mood tracking (SO MUCH DATA) **Some background statistics are needed to understand these interpretations, and I'll do the most basic explanation I can to make it most accessible (while risking misrepresenting it; if you want to get pedantic and explain it better in the comments, go ahead). The explanations are in the footnotes below.** + +* my mood over the past two years has improved slightly but overall stayed about the same. an average mood of 64.76 for 2016 and 64.91 for 2017, that's something. + +* 576 days out of 741 (~77%) of days felt more good than bad. + +* I spent 92 days in the last two years with a mood lower than 40% (~12% of the 741 days) + +* I spent 15 days severely depressed (~2%) + +* I spent 8 days with strong suicidal feelings and 3 days actively pursuing suicide + +* I spent 159 days with a mood above 80%. 57 were in 2017, 99 were in 2016, and the remainder were in either 2015 or 2018, for which few days have been recorded. + +* I spent 24 days euphoric (mood 90+%) + +* I spent 8 days on top of the world euphoric (mood>92%) + +* my mood had a standard deviation of 18.86 percentage points for 2016 and 15.60 percentage points for 2017, I've gotten more stable. A full time job does that I guess. So does no longer having the tribulations of terminal cancer in your life. + +* my happiest days of the last two years were all in 2016 (lower standard deviation suggested as much) (an emphatic thank you to the redditor behind 8/14/16 being one of them) + +* my custom manic rating scale suggests I spent 34 days in 2017 some kind of manic (~9.3%) and 51 days in 2016 some kind of manic (~14%) + +* Getting off lowers my stress levels and increases my mood: each orgasm reduces my perceived stress by 3 percentage points. with a p value of under .001. With mean stress levels of 35.7%, that's about an 8.4% difference per orgasm. Each orgasm also raises my mood by about 3 percentage points, for a typical increase of ~4.7% per orgasm. + +* each 1 (out of 10) point increase in my stress levels increases my anxiety on average by 4 percentage points. With mean anxiety levels of 28% that's a 14% difference per point. + +* the effects of alcohol on my mood are unclear. My mood tracker strongly suggests (P<.001) I drink more when I feel good, but the direction of causality here is likely such that I drink because I feel good rather than because it makes me feel good. The data isn't of a nature that can tell me how it affects me during the duration of alcohol. It's clear there isn't sufficient evidence to strongly support the hypothesis that alcohol makes me in particular depressed. + +* sleep plays a highly significant role in minimizing stress and anxiety, with p values of .01 and .03 respectively and meaningful correlation coefficients. + +* weed improves my mood by .624 percentage points per level of r/trees high-ness scale. with a p value of .019 and a mean mood of 64.84, that's about a 1% improvement per point of highness. At a total high, that's a 10% increase in mood (and a very high likelihood of experiencing some psychosis). At a moderate high, that might be a 5% increase in mood. In other words weed definitely improves my mood overall, but at level other factors are still very important. ***It's worth noting that the percentage increase in mood is different based on the baseline mood, if I'm at a suicidal depression (typical such mood around 15% (1 is most suicidal ever on my scale)), a 10 point increase in mood is actually an increase in mood of ~67%)***. I actually used weed the last time I was suicidal to get out of those feelings and it helped me. Weed is risky and makes some of us psychotic and can make us depressed. Use it with caution if at all. + +* weed increases my sleep. with an average night's sleep lasting 7.96 hours and an increase of .045 hours per point of the r/trees high-ness scale, for a very strong high increasing my hours slept by a half hour (this is probably weaker than it should be because of an alarm) + +* weed impairs my cognition. p value <.002 + +* weed causes me psychosis with a p value of less than .001. Typically the psychosis hasn't been severe, so it's something I've continued. It's not helping me, but that's why they call it a vice. + +* I drank a bit more in 2017 than 2016 thanks to a bender around July where I learned to cope with boredom better (1.24 drinks per day vs 1.1 drinks per day), but I've had two drinks in 2018 for an average of .18 drinks per day. I intend to drink again, but I'm giving my liver a break for the time being. + +---------- + +**Things this teaches** + +* the effects of substance use are complicated and hard to measure. I deliberately minimized my analysis of alcohol because so few of my tests demonstrated statistical significance. From anecdotal observation I can tell you I've learned it increases the effects of stress on my body and can exacerbate either depression or mania, but that it helps me feel connected to friends. You may benefit in one way but be hurt in another. It's a lot to keep track of, and probably more than my mood tracker can keep track of (and it has 17 columns with 11 variables!) + +* sleep and meds make a world of difference + +* mood trackers are only as informative as your data, so if you want to see how substances affect you, you've gotta track it measurably. + +* a support network and friends can make a world of difference (learned through observation and verified with it, but still) + +* meds definitely help + + +---------------- + +**Pretty dumbed down statistics** + +P value is most basically explained as the likelihood of occurring due to chance with 1 meaning 100% and 0 meaning couldn't randomly occur at all (I know this isn't quite right, but this is a simplification). R squared is how well an algorithm explains the data. a high r squared means a regression has high explanatory power. 1 is a perfect fit, 0 is no fit. Beta is the strength of a correlation. If my mood is measured on a 100 point scale and one unit of sleep changes my mood by +6 points, then sleep would have a beta of 6. Standard deviation is a descriptor for the amount of variation in a data set. If everything is close to average, it's got a low standard deviation. If everything is very disparate, it will have a high SD. + +----------- + +Edit: thought I had percent and percentage point confused somewhere but was wrong so I fixed it twice, oops. + +Edit 2: I wanted to share it but was feeling too worn out to set up a new one for you guys, but u/glitter-beast reminded me [I posted about it before and had a dropbox saved file for it](https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/6mmchn/making_a_mood_tracker_how_i_did_it_why_you_might/). I updated the one I linked in the description there to make it more likely to output possible mania (as it seemed to fail at this), corrected an error that was getting in the way of accurate alcohol-related depression results, and changed the dates to be for 2018 + +Edit 3: the biggest thing I might change for yourself if I was you would be the role of your sex drive in your manic rating. Most people don't keep the same baseline libido as I do, and plenty of people don't have their libido as a very strong indicator of mania.",Bipolar +45500,"Temporary relief is better than permanent relief I have come to terms with the fact that I will always experience this drastic highs and lows. They may become less intense with the help of medication and therapy but they will always be with me. + +My Dr doesn't want me to smoke pot anymore; I totally get why but when I am very deeply depressed and contemplating suicide I will choose the temporary and nearly instant relief over the permanent relief every time. + +Sorry if this makes no sense to you, I'm stoned.. But im alive ",Bipolar +45501,"New to Risperdal; do side effects subside? I'm 27 years old and was just diagnosed with bipolar type II after Prozac treating what they thought was depression sent me into a psychotic episode. I was diagnosed with major depression & generalized anxiety disorder at 12 years old and just coasted on Wellbutrin XL & Celexa until college, then cut back to just Wellbutrin XL in college until about a month ago. I haven't been depressed in at least a year but my anxiety has been out of control for many years. The psychiatrist at the hospital was convinced the anxiety is a manifestation of hypomania, and put me in Risperdal 0.5mg twice a day. I started it 4 days ago and take it in additional to Wellbutrin. + +Anyway, enough about that. My dose of Risperdal is very low at 1mg a day and I still feel like a [metaphorical] zombie. My brain is in a fog and I can barely stay awake. I'm terrified of driving or working like this. No general anxiety, though! Thankfully, I don't notice an increase in appetite either. + +If you took Risperdal, did early symptoms go away after a while? I'm just a little disturbed because it's such a low dose and I'm already feeling like this. The psychiatrist eventually wants to maybe bump me up to 2mg a day, but if that's gonna make me feel even more like this, I don't know if I'd be able to function. I'm willing to stick with it if it'll make my out-of-control anxiety manageable at some point, but I'm a bit skeptical if these side effects will continue as long as I'm on it.",Bipolar +45502,"Trouble controlling anger? Has anyone gotten any advice about controlling your random anger outbursts? My therapist and psychiatrist are basically saying I need to talk to the other about it (Oh you need to talk to her about adjusting your meds, oh you need to talk to the therapist about different strategies) and not really helping me deal with it at all. Whenever someone makes me angry I start feeling and reliving every painful or hurtful experience they've ever caused and all the anger I had then comes back fresh and raw. I'm really running out of ideas on how to handle it.",Bipolar +45503,"It’s 4am Seroquel reduction is going *really* well. I have to be up in 3 hours. I absolutely cannot get to sleep on my own unmedicated and if I do it’s a very light sleep. I’ve been tapering for a while now and I’m at the arse-end of it. + +I just need a med so I’m tired enough to fall asleep but not too tired that I can’t wake up enough the next morning. Also one so I’m not too drowsy so I can function properly the next day and the kicker - doesn’t make me fat. + +People can walk on the moon but not invent this wonder drug for me. Why lol. ",Bipolar +45504,"This isn’t related to bipolar but I need to talk to someone and everyone here is asleep. Mice in my room, tw eating disorder Not sure if this can go here. + +I have an eating problem and I binge eat a lot and I keep the food wrappers in my room because I am embarrassed and don’t want my parents to find out about the binging... + +Woke up at 4am and saw a mouse on my bedroom floor and there is always more than one. Must have been attracted by the food wrappers. Told my parents and they are angry but I told them it was wrappers from Christmas chocolate not binge food. I’ll die of embarrassment if they find out, which they will, because all the wrappers are in a bin bag in my room. + +So the mice are going to be horribly killed and my parents are going to be so angry with me and it is all my fault and I feel so guilty. This happened when I was around fourteen for the same reason - I am now 22 - and oh god why the hell haven’t I grown out of this pathetic crap. + +I don’t know what to do, I mean short term the mouse need sorting out. I am in my brother’s room tonight now - too scared to go into mine - and I think I can hear them in the loft. It’s an old house. I am so scared that they are all through the house. The thought of them living in my room makes me feel a bit sick - when I was fourteen we put out traps and one died in front of me, and I swore I would change my ways and grow up a bit but now I am a fucking adult and I still am like this and my parents are going to be so disappointed + +Oh god. Been hearing noises for about a week but told myself it was the radiator making the papers move on my noticeboard, although looking back it was mice and I was lying to myself. + +I can definitely hear them in the loft above my head. + +I feel so bad ",Bipolar +45505,"I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I’m so relieved to finally have answers. After a few years of considering that I’ve only ever been depressed I finally understand what is wrong with me. I’m reading through old journals and I can almost pin point each episode and determine whether it was mania or depression. I HAVE ANSWERS! + +My manic episodes and then depression and sducidal gestures. I finally understand. It’s a relief and scary. I joined the community about a week ago so I can understand my condition all the more.",Bipolar +45506,"Trileptal and lack of coordination I was upped from 75mg of Trileptal to 150mg 7 days ago and since I started taking the 150 I’ve noticed some coordination problems, like it’s harder to accurately direct the movements of my limbs and my motions are a little jerky. I wobble a little when I’m walking. I can’t contact the medical office today bc it’s Martin Luther King Day but I don’t think it’s really serious enough to call the office’s 24 hr crisis line either. Should I take my 150 dose today as usual or the 75 dose to see if it helps the lack of coordination decease?",Bipolar +45507,"Anyone Else Catch their Episodes with a Sleep Tracker? After 2 years of stability I had a manic episode last year and was wearing a sleep tracker which seemed to document the episode pretty well, in terms of how sleep dropped as mania rose. + +I wrote about it here: +https://medium.com/@bipolarguy321/going-manic-with-a-fitbit-6e7209d4bb54 + +Has anyone else had a similar experience and care to share their sleep data?",Bipolar +45508,"Not bipolar. Asking for advice about my daughters mother who is bipolar. Hi. +Need to clarify that I am using my wife's account to ask this question. I'm not a person who likes or enjoys social media (I'm an old fart) so please understand I'm only borrowing her account for this. Thank you. + +I hope someone can help me out with something I need to know. + +When my ex (daughters mom) is dealing with a common cold or flu she tends to go into almost a bipolar mania with borderline psychotic actions. She lashes out verbally and sadly physically. Last time a week ago she physically went after our 10 year old daughter. I had to drive to her house after my daughter called me terrified locked in the bathroom as her mother was kicking at the door. I have my daughter now, getting her therapy, and have a 3 year no contact order for my daughter and I against her mother. + +So when my ex gets sick with normal winter illnesses why does she spiral downward like this.? + +Then she blames anyone and everyone that it was there fault. My daughter was asked if she could go and get her mother a glass of water and my daughter said ok but could you please wait a few minutes so I can finish up my last bit of homework. Normally anyone would be ok thank you but not my ex. She started breaking things and basically telling our daughter that she doesn't care about mom and doesn't care about mom being sick and then into saying what did I ever do to you to make you hate me, just a glass of water and you couldn't even be responsible and respectful enough to go get it. + +Now my daughter is not a child that yells back or gets defiant (yet lol she's at least 2 years away from the hormones) and my daughter is very soft spoken and would help anyone who asked. Complete opposite of my ex thank the heavens. + +Plus my ex goes off and on meds for the last 14 years. She says she doesn't have a problem and if she did meds cure it and ya da all gone. + +Please help me understand the correlation between bipolar and colds/flus with a person who cycles back and forth and refuses meds then goes back on for roughly a month no more than that every few years. + +Thank you + + +Update edit: +For the record I don't plan on keeping the PFA order no contact for 3 years. That's what the judge ruled. I just wanted it for 3 months but with supervised visits for a few weeks leading into an actual custody order for my ex to have our daughter 50/50. But because ex was arrested (swinging at a cop and it was neighbors who called unbeknownst to me until the next day) the judge ruled this way. Yes I wanted to just get her out of my daughters life because I was extremely angry for a few years. It was for me. Not my daughter. It was so I could feel better. Thanks to my wife she's changed my view on how it shouldn't be a selfish want or desire. I had to think about my daughter AND my ex and how it wouldn't be a good thing for either of them if I stopped their relationship. So I apologize to everyone on here for being a jerk. My wife said I was being one lol ",Bipolar +45509,"Well, I’m bipolar. Hey folks. + +After a very shitty year where I lost our house to foreclosure, our savings, and nearly did in my loving family (wife and two daughters, 13 and 10), I’ve been diagnosed as bipolar. + +The psychiatrist has me on a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant for now, which seem to be helping. They’re still making a full assessment so we’ve got a ways to go as yet. + +My wife has been amazing — despite the shock of the foreclosure and all the monetary problems she’s stayed with me and helped me find well recommended doctors and therapists for help. + +We’ve been going through couples counseling as well to help us get on the same page — the couples counselor suggested I might be bipolar, which started us working through the diagnosis process and into treatment. + +My kids haven’t been told of the diagnosis yet, and we’re not sure if or when we will tell them, or how. + +Personally, I’m a little freaked out. I’ve already been diagnosed as ADD, which seems to also be correct, but that seems a lesser issue since I am able to hyper focus and accomplish a lot. Or maybe that was a combination of hyper focus and manic episodes. + +I’m having trouble coming to terms with who’s right now. It’s been a hard blow, and has fractured my self image. I’ve always considered myself in control of my mind and actions and now I really don’t know what I’m in control of any more. It’s been surreal and I’ve been feeling a little lost. + +I don’t have any specific questions at this time; I partly wrote this to just make the diagnosis more real. + +Any comments anyone can provide are welcome. I’ve got so much to learn. ",Bipolar +45510,"I stopped taking my meds and I regret it I feel really panicked. I thought they weren't working and that the side effects outweighed the benefit of taking them. I was wrong. I'm just sped up, scared for no reason. I can't stand to be apart from my SO while he's at work right now. There's a knot in my throat. I couldn't remember what this felt like, and I feel so dumb for forgetting. Please do me a favor and don't make the decision to stop taking your meds. At least not without a medical professional's advice.",Bipolar +45511,"A poem to me, by my bi-polar father. My dad died from suicide due to his uncontrolled disorder. While going through his art, I found a letter addressed to me. This was written while I was a little girl. If this doesn't belong here, I'm very sorry. I'm just missing him, and maybe his words can bring comfort to anyone going through a tough time. + +""There once was a guy who was tired all the time and sometimes he let the weight of the world wear him down so much he had a hard time remembering how much he loved the most simplest and best things there were, like the joy I feel when I think about Megan Elizabeth. + +I wish sometimes when I was the most dead man walking-est I would just think of how much I love you and how happy I can feel just because you're my daughter. + +I love you forever and more than that. + +And that's the truth."" + +So all of you struggling, I know it's fucking hard. Please, please just keep trying. Someone loves you. I love you. ",Bipolar +45512,"Just Some Thoughts I was on risperdal up until last year right before exams ended my senior year. I ended it in April due to lactating. I was on 4mg and it helped in every aspect. I did hate being tired, the constant headaches, heart flutters, high blood pressure, and gaining weight. It helped with my paranoia so much. It helped with my anxiety a lot. + +I switched to Abilify but I couldn't afford it on insurance, so I switched to lithium. I haven't seen my doctor since I quit my restaurant job and have become a stripper. I'm on lithium, but my paranoia wasn't going away so I took a 2mg risperdal last night. + +I can't sleep when I miss a dose of lithium. I had missed 2 doses and I can't swallow the pills because they are too big for me. I usually break them and put them in yogurt, which makes it bearable. Has a metallic taste, but it's okay. Better than swallowing a whole pill. The scary thing is I can't tell if I'm going manic anymore because since I was in the hospital at 16, I don't get that high manic I was. I don't even talk fast like I used to. It's more of being highly emotionally unstable. It's more where my thoughts feel like dough in a mixer moving really fast and I can't control the settings. I did a mindful meditation video and that helped a lot. + + I'm fine right now, calm, but damn, I hate paranoid thoughts. I hate thinking ""He's only talking to me so he can get dirt on me. He doesn't like me as a person, he's faking it so he can make me lose my job."" + +There's so much stress I have and I don't have ativan nor do I want any because I'm trying to rely less on anxiety medications. I haven't had ativan in a few weeks, I found one and took it back then but it's been over a month since I ran out of my script. + +Money has also been tight and I haven't been able to afford food up until last weekend, I was living off of noodles, potatoes, and oatmeal, so I didn't want to take my lithium. My job is tricky because when I stay up late I HAVE HAVE to take the next day off because if I keep messing up my sleep cycle, I'm super unstable. I will get aggravated at small things. I will get emotional, and overthink. That's basically it when I'm off my meds. I don't really get all that delusional, but maybe I do? For example, when I'm smoking a cigarette I have to pick up a specific one because if I don't pick that specific one then things will be bad. Or if I don't hold something a certain way, things will go bad or so i think. I keep overthinking things. I'm paranoid that everyone around me that tries to talk to me doesn't really care for me unless I already know them. For example, at work, if someone tries to talk to me, I don't trust them, which is standard in my line of work, don't trust anyone. I don't like people talking to me and it's weird because I'll be having a bipolar episode or so it feels when I miss meds but I'm sleepy, I'm so so sleepy but if I stay up past 12, all hell breaks loose. I can't sleep, my whole schedule is messed up. I have to sleep before 12 to keep myself normal which is hard with my line of work. + +I know I should find a new job but then again, paranoia and fear of rejection. More fear of rejection than anything. Living in fear from high school and the bullying. How people were mean and I just relive high school when I see them, but that's a battle of confidence i need to work on myself.",Bipolar +45513,"Do you have phases? I do. I've noticed a structure and pattern of my phases as it relates to my level of brain activity from depression to hypomania. I hope sharing this will clarify these cycles for others. I have a lot of phases of interest. Sometimes they reoccur, sometimes they're one-offs. It's frustrating to be passionate about something, and then stop. But I know it's because my moods change. + +I've come to some observations about my phases and even have a little theory about them, although it may just be limited to my case. Here's the theory: + +My phases fall into four categories. At the lowest level, there is basic pleasures. Some basic pleasures I've had are baseball, harry potter, and Disney movies. Next there is high pleasure: e.g., classical music, jazz music, and Shakespeare. Then I have phases of personal development: losing weight, learning musical skills, learning Spanish. Finally I have the highest order of phases where I have a sense of duty: I've become vegan and buddhist out of this level. + +I feel like these phases accord to a particular level of brain activity, from low to high. I think everyone falls somewhere on this dimension at a given moment. I also think healthy people have a smaller average range of categories of particular interest: some people skew basic to high, some high to personal development, some just are adept at acting on a sense of duty. + +At least in my case, I run the full gamut. At a depressed level, I have basic interests (at a certain level of depression one my have NO interest, but I don't get that low). At a hypomanic level, I have a grandiose sense of duty. However, I feel like I have a natural balance. I feel like I have an ideal scope like anyone else, but I have no balance of brain activity. I feel at my ""most me"" when I am at a mix of high pleasure and personal development. + +I've also noticed a pattern of logical progression from disordered to ordered interest in my life. Say I start at my healthy level: high–deveopment. When I approach a sense of runaway personal development, I become grandiose about that development. Then I may achieve a personal sense of duty to apply that development. Of course, my deveopment only goes so far, and my sense of duty goes farther, so I burn out. Then in a depressed mode, I land in basic pleasure. With higher mood after building basic pleasures, I ""grade them up"" to high pleasures, from which point I have more confidence in my ability to develop related skills. The cycle restarts. + +This is very interesting to me, but all I've really done is describe a pattern of disordered mood change in terms of its effects on human interest and concern, and apply conceptions of general human interests and concern in doing so. + +But I actually think I have a lifestyle tip for myself based on this theory. I'm at the high level of the personal development stage right now, and could approach an abnormal sense of duty. First of all, by recognizing this generalized progression, I can catch any slip ups early, and so can my support circle. But what really interests me is how I can adjust my personal development habits toward a more healthy progression. + +Right now my personal development topic is math. Math is an extremely broad topic in terms of range of difficulty and scope. I could get frustrated with basic algebra, or I could obsess over an unsolved problem way out of my league. But I think about another personal development habit I had: weight loss. + +When I lost weight, it was a development of daily regiment, one where I ate a little less every day and gradually lost weight. Normally, I have a seasonal peak of hypomania where I have that grandiose duty. After the regimented challenge of losing weight became difficult, I went to a modestly, fairly euthymic basic pleasure. The nature of the challenge didn't involve runaway progress because of how structured it was. + +Applying that lesson to my math development, I could continue to over stress myself with difficult problems, or I could make it a daily grind. I could even get a tutor to make sure I stay on a good track. Perhaps I wouldn't have to go to a toxic level of stimulation and go hypomanic, and just cool off, adding a daily practice to my life. + +Thinking this way has opened up some different options about how to deal with my moods, as well as who I really am. I see my doctor tomorrow, and I look forward to discussing these ideas with him. + +--- + +Note about ""high"" and ""low"" pleasures: I didn't mean to call anyone's hobby ""high"" or ""low"". I think it's completely relative. I think something high for me could be low for someone else. I strongly believe whether a pleasure is high or low, at least in a mental health context, depends on the kind of enjoyment one gets out of it. It's something one can really know if one really asks themselves and is honest.",Bipolar +45514,AMA Not ask me anything... against medical advice I took half my Latuda dose a couple days ago to see if it would give me more energy. News flash I slept horribly and have been feeling the effects ever since. Not sure if this is leading to depression or what because I rarely get depressed episodes but I cried and obsessed over the stupidest things yesterday. Anyone know if this is possible just from reducing one dose?,Bipolar +45515,"Who here lives a normal life? So, I'm just curious. I live a decent life, but I can tell people sort of stop and go, ""What is up with that person?"" This is the case in more strenuous situations, but truly anywhere I go because bipolar. Work is good. At the same time, it might be bad socially speaking. I don't know. + +How are your social and professional lives? I've found meditation/CBT to be most helpful. What do you guys do to help yourselves?",Bipolar +45516,Feeling down Hey y’all first time poster long time reader. Just wanted to post and get some advice. I was diagnosed as bipolar type 1 a year ago. And right now I’m feeling depressed after an episode of non stop energy and I know it’s going to take a while for me to come out of this spell. Anyone have any tips. I was seeing a therapist but stopped going when after I was leveled for a while. I’m on medication as well. Although I’m on medication I went through a manic phase of high energy through the month of December. I didn’t really notice. I’m bad at spotting my moods. I’m also just nervous because when I go through these episodes I make terrible decisions and I just got my life back together. I’m starting school tomorrow. Any advice would be great ,Bipolar +45517,"I fucked up There were a couple weeks in december where i stopped taking my meds. not because i didn't want to take them anymore, but i got lazy. i was also supposed to get my blood drawn but didn't do that either, i kinda forgot and when i remembered i already stopped taking the lithium. i see my psych tomorrow do you think he'll fire me as a client?",Bipolar +45518,"[Rant] I KNEW IT! My medication is poisoning me! I originally posted this over in the /r/CasualConversation Weekly Chat Thread but upon reflection, realized it would be much better suited to this sub as it's pretty specific towards my disorder and I feel I'd get better advice here from people who are knowledgable of what I've been dealing with. + +From my original post: + +>It'll be 8 years this summer since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and got put on a treatment consisting of Depakote/Epilum (sodium valporate) for rapid cycling moods and mania. Over the years, I've constantly inquired about what sort of side effects I would experience on this drug and every single time, my doctors have been frustratingly vague and flippant, never sitting down and going through the effects in a thorough and detailed manner. + +>As a result, I've had to do my own research and recently, I uncovered several side effects that NO ONE told me about: + +>According to what I've read in numerous articles and medical journals, prolonged/long term usage of sodium valporate can apparently CAUSE depressive episodes and according to the many medical journals I've perused, it is not as effective against treating depressive bipolar episodes in the long run. Considering that I've been dealing with crippling bouts of depression over the last 7 years, this makes sense but no-one told me. NO ONE TOLD ME. + +>It can cause pancreatic damage and liver problems on it's own. My pyschiatric doctor (the one who typically prescribes me this shit on a 3 monthly basis) has been constantly drilling it into me that all the times I've gotten elevated liver enzyme readings from my 6-8 weekly blood tests has been because I drank alcohol whilst taking this fucking medication. Not once has she ever stopped to inform me that this stuff causes liver problems all by itself regardless of whether you drink or not, let alone any mention of trouble involving the pancreas, which is typically characterized by intense cramping/pain in the abdomen due to organ damage and inflammation of the pancreas. This makes SO MUCH SENSE considering that all these years I've had near-daily cramping and aches in my abdomen that I always previously thought was due to IBS or my IUD being a dick. + +>Apparently, it can increase the likelihood of polycystic ovary syndrome and something called hyperandrogenism which I have never heard of before now but is a condition to do with having too many androgens or male hormones/testosterone in the body along with uterine fibroids which also explains the agonizing cramps I often get regardless of what time of the month it is. Also, I was at child-bearing age (22) when they first started me on sodium valporate and whilst I have no desire to ever procreate, the fact of the matter is that all these conditions lead to infertility so I feel incredibly deceived by the doctors who put me on this shit because again, NO-ONE TOLD ME ANY OF THIS. + +>I am absolutely steaming and yet I just know that if/when I raise these issues with my current psych doctor, she will no doubt laugh off my concerns like she always fucking does and dismiss my worries as trivial. + +>I know it's dangerous to quit cold turkey but I honestly feel so betrayed right now considering all that I've learned. I ended up writing a strongly worded but teeth-grittingly ""polite"" letter outlining all these concerns so I can slap her in the face with it- not literally but y'know- and get my voice heard. + +>I want to change my doctor and try to get one who will help me find an alternative course of treatment but giving that all this happened on public healthcare (which is often laughably crap at times here), it wouldn't surprise me if it ends up being a long drawn out process. + +>Urgh. I'm so angry I could spit fire!",Bipolar +45519,"Trouble breathing I have bipolar II and it's gotten a little worse in the last recent months than it has ever been before. I get this problem when I'm anxious that I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I take xanax for anxiety but when I feel like I can't breathe deeply or yawn that it's all I can concentrate on. +I've been to the ER for this before because I thought maybe I was having an asthma attack but my oxygen levels are always normal. It just feels like something is laying on my chest and I cannot for the life of me stop obsessing about it in my anxious periods, like right now. It scares me and consumes me, has anyone else had this problem? I'm 23 and perfectly healthy otherwise.",Bipolar +45520,"For the ladies out there- Bipolar and that time of the month? some stats: i'm 23, diagnosed with BP 1 with psychotic features, Major depressive disorder, severe panic disorder, PTSD & mild ADD when i was 21 but have been dealing with BP symptoms since i was around 14 or 15. i'm also extremely sensitive, to almost everything. + + +So, i notice when its that time of the month or whatever (i've pretty much always noticed this), My moods get a bit dangerous. i'll be mostly stable the rest of the month but since i'm already a sensitive person when i'm on my period, i feel like my moods go to the extremes, really quick. right now, i keep having random extremely angry thoughts. i don't have anything to be mad about. but i just feel almost uncontrollably angry. its like literally my brain goes to polar opposites and its frustrating. I've been dealing with extreme moods while on my period for a really long time. i'm just not sure if its me or if Bipolar has an effect? Does anyone know if BP amps up the mood swings or am i just a moody bitch? lol. + +I currently am not on any medication due to some insurance problems. but i do smoke weed regularly (indica only) and it helps a LOT. more than the pills in my opinion, but i know i need meds, just need to figure out this whole insurance thing. + +In the past i've been on MANY medications & honestly, none of them helped while it was that time of the month. Some of them made me worse (more depressed/triggered Mania). I've been told Birth Control helps, but i don't notice a difference. +I asked my doctor and she says ""its very possible"" but i just want to know from people who have BP. + +Sorry if this is an inappropriate question, I'm just curious, really. + +Side note: being an adult is an inconvenience, can i make a new character and start over? lol. + +Also, i notice i ramble a lot. my thoughts are always like this & they never really make sense. its even worse when i talk irl & i'm actually probably the most awkward thing on this planet. It's gotten a bit worse over the years, & i think my brain kinda has lagged out on me. idk. Sorry about that. anyways, hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!",Bipolar +45521,"I just... I can't. Living in the US with bipolar disorder and lapsed insurance is absolute hell. I can't get the medicine I need, nor can I get any kind of help. I am extremely depressed; I have no motivation to do anything at all. I can't even cry. All I do is sit in my room/office and just fantasize about self harm. Everything is so overwhelming at work and at home. I need to get things done. My house is a mess, I have loads of work orders that need to be completed, but I can't do it. I want everything to just be still and quiet. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to live either. + +Everything just sucks. ",Bipolar +45522,Why I was looking around the internet and was a little angry. Why can't people who want to be open about their struggles get treated or get fired just because they have something that they can't control. ,Bipolar +45523,"Zoloft inducing hypomaniA Hi guys. ive recently (11 days ago) started the antidepressant Zoloft, and it caused a hypomanic episode that lasted about 4 days. Let me just say, I have never felt so great in my life. It was such a relief from depression I just can't explain it. + +so on the last day of the hypomanic episode at night I smoked some weed, and the next day it was gone. I don't know if the weed caused that or not. My question here is, do you think it would be possible to come off the antidepressants for a week, then start them again so I can experience that high again? or maybe try some other AD's? + +Yes, I understand this isn't healthy as such, but I would do just about anything to experience that again. Please, if you have any knowledge or ideas with regard to this I would love you forever. + +Thankyou",Bipolar +45524,"I'm graduating from Law School! It only took me seven years (I took a three year mental health break in the middle). It's been a huge mountain to climb, but I made it! ",Bipolar +45525,"Hey I think I'm on the verge of an episode. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and basically this means when I go manic, things become hallucinogenic. As of late I have been doing good but not. I've basically been hiding from everything and I've been content with it. Well something happened that woke me up and I'm scared. I don't want to go through psychosis again. I don't want to have to deal with the horror of it all again. I don't want my parents to have to go through it again and I don't either. I loose it when it happens. One time I thought I was the reincarnation of Jonah....and most of the time I was fighting off imaginary demons thinking I was possessed and condemned to hell. It's a nightmare. I just want to be happy and healthy. I am going to be. I want to be a good person. And have a good heart. And I wanna have a head on my shoulders. What action should i take? I do not like my doctor. I just don't really have any connection to him. I want to get this sorted out myself. I don't want to involve my mom and dad. I'm 26 years old. It's time to step up and do this for me.",Bipolar +45526,"Monitoring moods on an app Hi everyone! +I wanted to know what apps or other similar things you are using to monitor your ups and downs. I have tried emood for a little bit but I just don’t think it’s capturing whats going on. I’d love to give another one a try or suggestions of how I can make the most out of them. + +Thanks",Bipolar +45527,"That burning passion... I'm sitting here in my living room, watching the log in my fireplace slowly burn. There's something oddly therapeutic about this, and I'm not exactly sure what. + +I was an angry kid. Just... I was BAD. There was so obviously a problem, but not one they could really do anything about. You can't really help a kid whose primary problem is ""thinks everyone wants to hurt him"". Doctors tried to fit me into these neat little diagnostic labels, even though nothing ever really fit. They tried to give me all these medications, even though nothing ever really worked. And when I only got worse, this only confirmed my original hypothesis. + +I'm still angry. At a society that doesn't believe victims of child abuse, sexual assault, violence... ANYTHING. I'm angry that I was given such a rough hand. Some might call this a ""sense of entitlement"", whatever that means (""Other people have it worse!"" said the better-off person.) But... fuck. I'm not demanding anything other than wanting to stay alive. + +I know what I need to do. I need to find a psychiatrist. A therapist. Probably a medication change. I've just been dealing with so much shit in my life that I've completely neglected my mental health. I've pretty much destroyed myself just trying to survive. Because I've been doing it all on my own and it's just... too much right now. + +A few years ago, I heard someone describe anger as a motivating force. I never understood this. To me, anger has only been a force of destruction... not unlike fire. If my anger is a small spark, my brain's reaction to feeling it is the equivalent of dousing it with gasoline. + +Yet kept in a small confined area, with a watchful eye, a fire can keep you warm. It can be a light in the dark. It serves a purpose. Fuck, sometimes it's just beautiful. And if I have a choice, I'm not going to freeze to death or live my life in the dark. + +I didn't even know where I was going with this post when I started. Strange how you can find meaning in everything around you.",Bipolar +45528,"Bad inpatient stories? I’ve been hospitalized twice as a teenager in a youth ward and twice as an adult. The last time was at Fairfax Behavioral Hospital in Kirkland, WA and it was abusive as hell. Everything about why I was there was horribly exaggerated, and they lied about me when I went to court so I got legally committed to two weeks unless a doctor signed me out. They literally said because I took so long with the strip search (because I’ve been raped quite a few times but you know, they didn’t mention that part), that I couldn’t handle interacting with anyone right now and I was still obviously in an extreme crisis and I might injure someone else. I wasn’t even in an episode lmao, I was fine after two days of being there, and I’ve never been a violent person? But go off I guess. A lot of other shitty things happened and they got my hopes up and said I could leave one day, but then they were like “nah you’re gonna stay for another few days for no reason” I told them it’s illegal to hold me when I’m not in a crisis and they were like “haha ok try to leave then”. When it was my day to leave, my case worker “lost” necessary paperwork and then went on a two hour lunch and my psychiatrist “didn’t have time to write my prescriptions”. I ended up leaving the facility at 7pm when my exit time was 2:30pm. + +Not trying to bring up bad memories, but I’m curious to know if it’s more common to have extremely negative experiences rather than positive ones. + +So, does anyone have any super shitty inpatient experiences? +Also, where is the facility located? (If you’re comfortable) +",Bipolar +45529,"Meds or anxiety?? SOS Hi friends. +I’ve been experiencing muscle tension and spazzing in my legs that shoots throughout my whole body over and over again. It gets stronger as the attack goes on for sometimes hours and then just disappears out of no where. +I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what it may be from? I’m prescribed Latuda, benztropine, trazodone, and propanoral (spelling may not be right in some of those) +Please help! These attacks make me feel like I could murder myself and everyone around me. They make me feel like there’s no reason to live like this. I’m not sure if the episodes are anxiety inflicted or a horrible side effect from the meds. ",Bipolar +45530,"They didnt tell me about my diagnosis so I found out by sneaking a peak at my doctor's notepad. +""BPDNOS"" +I thought to myself......""fuck.""",Bipolar +45531,"My Current Battle with Employment Discrimination This is a long story, so I'll try to keep it as brief as I can and only include pertinent details. For those that just want a brief summary"" + +**TL;DR the Peace Corps rejected me because I admitted to having bipolar, not thinking anything of it because I am high functioning and my doctor can clear me. I decided to fight this to the bitter end, since I am not my mental illness and they can't reject me based on their discriminatory and outright archaic assumptions about the condition** + +I am a 23 year old college student that will graduate this spring with degrees in Biology and French. Three years back I was diagnosed BP II, and as most of you know it was a wild ride. By communicating with my psychiatrist and by making the right lifestyle choices, I have remained totally asymptomatic for more than a year. + +Being young and hoping to join Doctor's Without Borders someday, I decided I would join the Peace Corps to gain the necessary public health program experience and to expand my French (I'm looking at West Africa). I spent a large amount of time working on my resume and statement, and kept in touch with my local Peace Corps recruiter. He gave me advice and assured me that I was a shoe-in for a position in Benin because of my health care experience and language experience (I work as a full-time Rec Therapist while finishing classes full time. Not easy, but incorporating the right lifestyle choices has helped my time management). + +After I turned in my application, I was informed that I would have to fill out a Health History form, divulging any medical conditions that I had. Naturally I was honest - my doctor said he'd provide a letter clearing me medically, and my recruiter already said verbatim that I am ""extremely qualified"" + +What happened next blew me away. An automated email was sent to me after I turned in the Health History form informing me that my ""condition"" could not be supported in the country I chose. *Not one person from the organization would speak to me further about the issue*. I've been told dozens of times about how they're sorry, but they simply don't make those decisions. What's really shocked me is that *my resume and essay we're not even looked at because of admitting the condition*. + +I have been hiding my mental health ever since my diagnosis. It has not affected my professional life or my work. I am high functioning, and need no more ""accommodation"" than a ""healthy"" volunteer (whatever that is). Having them reject me for checking the ""wrong"" box made me incredibly angry and hurt. But instead of accepting this, I've been fighting it for the past 2 months. I've called senators, lawyers, mental health advocacy groups, and have begun the informal resolution process with their Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. When they asked what I hoped to get out of this process, I told them that I want to be medically cleared, and that I want them to put an end to this discriminatory process. Odds are they will not give me an inch, so I am prepared to take this to District Court (there was a case in 1996 where a volunteer was rejected because she admitted to taking antidepressants. The court ruled in her favor, and this decision gives me hope). + +The most exciting development will come the end of this month. Patrick J. Kennedy, nephew of John F. Kennedy (who coincidentally founded the Peace Corps) will be coming to my city to advocate for mental health rights. Patrick Kennedy was diagnosed with bipolar himself, so I'm doing everything in my power to go to the conference and talk to him, get him a letter, anything - if there's an offhand chance to get him to lobby the PC on my behalf, I need to take it. + +I'm not giving up this fight until I receive my letter of acceptance, or until they tell me ""stop calling us or we will contact the police"". I will let you guys know the newest updates as they come up - if you have any ideas for me on how to fight this archaic government process, please throw your ideas here. + +As always, never give up trying new things to get your condition under control. It is possible, and things will get better if you try.",Bipolar +45532,How long do your mixed episodes last? And do you ever feel they have triggers?,Bipolar +45533,A month’s sober ! I’m 31 days alcohol free! This is good especially as I am on Lithium as well as Keppra for epilepsy. Have any of you guys ever abused or even just drank alcohol while on your medication? How did that go? ,Bipolar +45534,"Recently diagnosed with bipolar and I'm confused. My psychiatrist re-diagnosed me with Bipolar NOS. I was misdiagnosed for four years. I'm still questioning if I actually have bipolar though because anxiety is my main problem. I haven't really experienced full on mania(atleast I don't think), I only get very irritable and talk fast randomly for a short period of time. I get depressed for about a month then I'm fine. I can see some small signs but nothing that jumps out as being apart of bipolar. I guess I just don't understand yet. I don't know. +Btw, My official diagnoses is bipolar, social anxiety, generalize anxiety, and panic disorder.",Bipolar +45535,"Traveling abroad with meds? I know it's probably a bit of a longshot but I figure I will ask anyway...anyone have experience with bringing psych meds when traveling abroad? Specifically, to Spain? I'm going on a week's vacation there in a month from now - my fam and I actually chose it partially due to being seasonally affected- and it's my first time traveling abroad A) since 10th grade, so 19 years later, and B) on psych meds. I am on Lamictal, Wellbutrin XL, Ritalin, and Lunesta, and I'm not keen on the idea of avoiding the hassle by going off of them for the week. I looked at the State Department and Spanish Embassy websites and they talk about letters, forms, export and import licenses...all of which is SO not helping my anxiety. A good friend of mine traveled there post-9/11 and when a friend visited her there who was on psych meds, she said he got hung up at customs for hours. +Even after surfing multiple websites I'm not able to get exact clarity about if Ritalin is considered narcotic or controlled over there (I know it's Sched II here in the US), some say I need my prescriptions and a letter, some say just one or the other, some say it must be in Spanish and others don't... +I'm probably just overthinking it or freaking out more than I should, but I really just don't want any nasty surprises because I really want to enjoy my trip. + +Help?",Bipolar +45536,"UPDATE: I have a 2nd job interview tomorrow Today was a heck of a day. I applied for this radio station job last week with the expectation that I would work part-time doing the news and some office work. It's not my ideal dream scenario but it's a job in radio, which I love more than anything else. + +I walked into the interview today and knocked it out of the park. So much so that the owner is going a completely different direction with me. He offered me a morning drive show simulcast on two of their stations. They've never done a live, local show on this radio station. Like...ever. + +I wrote this in my initial post, but getting into radio was part of my therapy and mental well-being. The idea was that if I did something I loved that mentally/creatively stimulated me then I would be prone to having fewer episodes and just be in a better place overall. + +This proved to mostly work. I was able to be creative to a point but I was still restricted by someone else's parameters. This new job would offer me the chance to build something from the ground up. It's giving me the opportunity to build my own brand. I've always looked at radio as a form of art and I've just been given a blank canvas. + +My wife didn't know how to handle me when I came home today. She hasn't seen me like this in over a year. My moods haven't really cycled; they've pretty much been low and lower. I feel higher than I've felt in a really long time. She couldn't stop smiling and hugging me. + +I just wanted to share this news with someone. I've been under this dark cloud for so long and it's nice to feel good about something for once. Thanks for reading.",Bipolar +45537,"Off my meds for a bit, and I’m not doing well at all So I’m 25, and I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago. I am waiting for insurance to kick in with my new job, and unfortunately I can not afford to go to a psych in my new state until the insurance takes effect, due to moving into an apartment that isn’t affordable. + +Right now I think I’m in a manic episode. I’ve had a lot of really bad things happen in the past week or so, and for the past 4 days and nights I haven’t slept more than 4 hours total, and I cannot eat. Usually my mania is the typical delusions of grandeur, irresponsible spending, no sleep, etc, but that’s not what’s happening to me this go around. I don’t have control over my emotions and I’ve been in mental agony over the things I have going on, and the lack of sleep or ability to take care of myself have made it a lot worse. I’m not sure if this is mania, but while I do have insomnia, I still am usually able to get at least 5 hours of sleep at night. I’ve taken double doses of Benadryl, and I just ended up hallucinating and still not sleeping. + +Does anyone have any idea what might be going on, or possibly maybe some advice to help make it out of this? I’m scared of what is happening, and I’m almost to the point of checking myself into a facility, but I know if I do that I could potentially lose my job, and then I won’t have insurance or the ability to provide for myself. ",Bipolar +45538,"Buspar and (hypo)mania? My pdoc had me try buspar for anxiety last week. Within 2 days of starting it, at a low dose(5mg 3x a day), I was the most euphoric I've ever been. I was skipping instead of walking, I couldn't stay on topic at all(my friend described me as being ""squirrely,"" I threw stuff at another friend for 2 hours, I went walking in the river off campus, I was so euphoric it was like a body high, I talked about sexual stuff a lot. I went to class, but scribbled entire pages of my notebook so I wouldn't start doing jumping jacks in class. This was all in a 24 hour time period. Needless to say, I talked to my pdoc and went off it within a day of these symptoms starting. I came down over a couple days and was pretty depressed for a couple days. + +What I'm wondering is whether any of y'all have had this side effect from buspar. It's not listed on the pi sheet, but there are a couple case reports in journals. Before I started it, my pdoc told me that mania was pretty unlikely from it...",Bipolar +45539,"Topiramate/Topamax xpost I’m getting put on topiramate in the next week, can anyone please share their experience on it, regarding side effects, weight loss, effectiveness etc? X",Bipolar +45540,"Encephalitis that mimics bipolar and schizophrenia? Saw this the other day, was wondering if anyone here is in the Houston area and participating. https://www.bphope.com/treatable-condition-could-be-mistaken-for-schizophrenia-or-bipolar-disorder/",Bipolar +45541,"I'm not in a good place. I've been stealing more, I've been sexting random guys/girls, I'm spending more money, I don't think before I speak and say stupid shit, I'm impatient and flying off the handle easily, but I'm super depressed. I went down to half of my regular dose of Latuda because it was making me so nauseous... I just can't win.",Bipolar +45542,"Work troubles/starting a new job? I started a job last week. I’ve been in a really stable place for a few months, and if anything I’ve been on the hypo side. Able to be super positive and all that - which is great because my new company is targeted towards a younger demographic and therefore marketing needs to be pretty upbeat and kid friendly. I was SO excited about this job, because who doesn’t want to work in a positive environment where it’s encouraged to be creative and even a little silly with work? + +Well, as expected, I got hit by a wall of depression. Making new friends at the office is tough since I’m so disconnected (the med brain fog doesn’t help). Having a hard time being productive, and generally performing the way I know I can. + +I’ve usually been able to work effectively even through my hardest depressions, but the brain fog is making it near impossible. I honestly feel dumb. + +Does anyone have any advice with this? Have you been there, and how did you get through it? + + +This might be a dumb question, and the likely answer is “you just do”, but I hope someone has a better one. I’m usually able to hold onto the fact that my mood WILL change and things will be better for a bit, but I’m really struggling right now. + +Thank you. + +TLDR: extreme brain fog and depression. How am I supposed to start a new job like this and make a good impression. Sos.",Bipolar +45543,"Been Diagnosed for about three months now and had a few questions... Hi, I had a recent diagnosis of Bipolar/Manic Depressive disorder after an episode of psychosis in the summer time. + +I am just a little confused on my diagnosis. You see I've been super depressed for a really long time and aside from last year (I became manic and then had psychosis) I haven't really had any up/high feelings of mood aside from again the one last year. My Psychiatrist said he's 75% certain that I have bipolar so I'll take his word for it but I'm just a little confused. + +So I guess my questions are; + +- Is it common to have the majority of your mood with bipolar be depression? + +- Is it common to have long periods of depression with bipolar and short infrequent bouts of mania? + +- When is it common to start exhibiting signs that your bipolar when you haven't been diagnosed at a young age? + +Sorry if the questions are kind of stupid, I just want to start some conversations about my new found mental illness and learn some things. Thanks friends.",Bipolar +45544,"Trileptal Heads Up In very rare cases, Trileptal can make your bone marrow stop functioning. I found that out the hard way over these last couple days. Figured I’d let everyone else know about this ridiculously dangerous side effect no one talks about before anyone else is bedridden with myelosuppression like I am right now.",Bipolar +45545,What treatment worked for your bipolar depression? Title...,Bipolar +45546,"My Checkup Was A Success (Long Post) **The background story:** Since I was diagnosed over 10 years ago, I've needed continuous/ongoing treatment and consultation. Changing dosages, trying new medication, talking through the most current triggers, how to recognize, avoid, cope, and foster healthy decisions. Gone through 4 doctors... when I was able to get an appointment and afford the treatment. I've gone some years withdrawing, some entirely unmedicated, new medication, lower dose/higher dose, self medicating at times. Having bipolar is truly debilitating and scary. Emotional (Mood) symptom wise, last year was not as intense as I've experienced before. But last year was indeed the shittiest fucking year I have lived through in my entire life thus far. I won't list everything that was shitty. You guys know last year was horrible. My Mom almost dying before her liver transplant probably topped my list though. And my bipolar mania has decided to manifest entirely through my secondary symptoms of OCD. Chronic anxiety has taken over my usual depression and has crash landed directly on one main symptom. [Self Excoriation/dermatillomania/compulsive skin picking.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excoriation_disorder) No exaggeration, I look like the picture in that Wikipedia link, just add breasts and some curves. I'm not looking for advice or guidance. I've been receiving the professional version steadily over a year and a half now. I just know that CSP is not common in this sub, is often not associated with bipolar, and is still considered co morbid along with symptoms of OCD. + +**The point of my post.:** I saw my psychiatrist today. And he agreed that I have had very significant improvements since I last saw him. My episodes have been less frequent, less intense, and my depression has also eased up. My mania still keeps me awake throughout the week (I get 3-4 hrs sleep at a time around 4-7am.) and I literally sleep all weekend. But my job hasn't been suffering, I've made three trips from the west coast to Texas for some extremely intense circumstances, I've lost 30lbs, and reduced my ""skin picking"" from my legs and lower arms to just my upper arms, back, and face although my face has had dramatic improvements as well. + +**My checkup Achievement:** For the first time since I can remember, my doctor isn't changing my medication and has said that I don't need to schedule a follow up appointment at this time. I will continue to have a steady supply of my personal med cocktail without worrying about running out. I'm under no obligation to pay for, schedule, drive to, or stress about coordinating my life around another psych appointment until I feel it's necessary. + +**TLDR: Some years/some decades are worse than others. If you can't remember the last time you caught a break, don't give up. We all deserve peace and stability. Today was my day.**",Bipolar +45547,"Am I bipolar? I’ve had a lot of hospitalization in the past couple years. I’m exhibiting all the symptoms, but I’ve never gotten a diagnosis, other than mild depression and it feels much worse than mild depression.",Bipolar +45548,"Bipolar Reddit, what's the best life lesson you've learned after coming out of a Psychosis? After my first one I basically had to reprogram my mind. I found that there was a lot of nonsense thoughts that I didn't even agree with. So I learned to be mindful of the ideas and thoughts I allow to circle around in my mind. + + +What's yours??? + + +Edit: Apparently Bipolar people are wise as fuck.",Bipolar +45549,"DAE have experience with Pristiq? I was on Abilify, it made me super shaky, and I've been getting more depressed lately so just switched my meds",Bipolar +45550,How honest are you with your therapist? Just got back into therapy after about a month of not in therapy. Changed from a therapist I absolutely love to a therapist from the past who's very sweet but I don't feel safe being honest with him. I always think he's gonna judge me or not believe me. Thought I'd ask how honest y'all are with your therapist?,Bipolar +45551,"Anyone ever experienced this on Latuda? I've been taking Latuda for about two weeks now, first week at 40 then upped to 60. 40 seemed okay but 60 made me throw up the meds so my psych changed me to 20mg in the morning and 40 mg in the evening. + +I feel absolutely horrible. After taking the meds I feel this excrutiating restlessness like a constant surge of electricity running through my brain. Nothing helps. I can't focus on anything. It's so bad that when I feel it coming on I take antihistamines to slow my brain down and sleep it off. It's left me writing on my bed before trying to get it to go away. + +Obviously I'm not taking this again until my doc can prescribe me something new. Is this normal for Latuda? ",Bipolar +45552,"Benadryl vs seroquel for sleep? My pdoc joked the other day that she wants to do a study comparing benadryl and seroquel for sleep because she thinks they'd have the same effect. + +Anyone have any experience comparing the two? Does anyone know if there's any science on how each one works and what the longer term effects could be?",Bipolar +45553,"Citalopram for Bipolar 2 (intense) Depression? Have you tried it? Hey friends, + +So I've had a BP 2 diagnosis for many, many years. I was extremely, badly depressed towards the beginning I suppose you could call it. At the time, Lamictal helped me beyond my wildest expectations. It gave me many years of being able to live and work productively. + +Fast forward to the present. I have been ultradian cycling for a few months. Basically, my illness has progressed and is keeping me from working or even doing basic things. So I turned to my pdoc for help. + +Despite the chance that an antidepressant may have to flip me into hypomania, the risk is worth it right now. + +I've started Celexa (Citalopram) which lists its purposes as intended for Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, maybe another thing or two. + +Has anyone had experience with Citalopram alongside a mood stabilizer? I'm extremely down and hoping for any help here.",Bipolar +45554,"$440 for one month of Seroquel XR??? That's with my insurance, there is no way I can afford that every month. Is there anyway to get it cheaper? Going to Canada? Is it normal for them to fuck people over on this drug?",Bipolar +45555,"How to tell when it is time to call it quits, and also when it is time to try again I've got a lot going on in my life, having just gotten out of my second psychotic episode/hospitalization of the new year, moving to a new apartment, transitioning from school to Real Adult TM 9-5 and other adult stuff, etc. + +I am about to start a full time internship/temp job at an engineering firm, but I am concerned about my ability to perform given that I've only recently come out of an intense episode (and am not even sure if I'm out of the woods fully yet) and am unable to even read a novel atm. So when do I know if it's time to work something out with HR? Do I start and wait for a disaster? + +On the flip side I'm applying to full time jobs following the internship. I've put the applications on hold because I'm an engineer and because of the aforementioned problems I'm really not up to technical interviews right now. + +So for the former when do I bail out, and for the latter when do I start trying again? + +I guess this question is more general than the precise scenarios I listed, I'll of course listen to my supporters irl but I just wanted to get the internet's perspective.",Bipolar +45556,How many of you have an eating disorder? I go through periods of binge eating and then starving..I don't know how to stop it. I'm a healthy weight but I don't want to keep doing this. I have such bad self esteem issues. I tried every eating disorder recovery method known to man. I just can't stop. ,Bipolar +45557,"I think Seroquel makes me manic Hi guys. Posted here awhile back about switching to Seroquel from Abilify bc I was so tired I couldn’t function. Ive been on just 100mg of Seroquel for 2 months and holy shit.. + +I went almost THIRTY percent over budget last month, constantly picked fights with my (now ex) boyfriend, etc. + +So, all of that to say, anyone have a similar experience? I’m so fucking depressed too but not sure if I would be if pretty much my whole life hadn’t completely gone off the rails lately. + +TIA y’all ??",Bipolar +45558,"Formerly on zoloft, bad side effects, what now? Long story short, I was on 150mg of zoloft for 3 years as a teen/young adult and experienced permanent memory loss. I didn't want to go down that road again, but I am at the point where I need chemical help. It's more than the anxiety and depression I had. I think its rapid cycling bipolar based on genes and extreme episodes over this past year. + +I have kids. They need their mom. I need me back. But I don't know when/what ""back"" was. + +My bro is rapid cycling bipolar and is doing really well on meds and counseling. He is demonstrating that it's possible to live and function with help. + +So, advice? Where do I start? ",Bipolar +45559,"Best meds for me, I guess Lithium was the best out of all the ones I took. Lithium 1200mg with either abilify or Latuda. Took it for about 5 years, but it did make me...numb. I was just content with everything, no matter how good or bad things were, I was in a cloud where nothing really affected me. And it kinda sucked, to be honest with you. Everyone around me was fine with me because I became this nice, stable, soft-spoken woman who never really complained about anything. Well, I decided to come off my meds about a year and a half ago because I didn’t want to live that way for the rest of my life. I wanted to feel again. Feel something, anything. And long story short, I quit my job because I realized I was miserable there, lost some friends, but gained some too. I have ups and downs, but I can feel again. At least for now, I won’t be going back on meds. Fuck that. + +Anyone else decided to go off their meds and what has been your experience?",Bipolar +45560,"Looking for opinions on my guide for bipolar spouses/family/partners https://psyche.media/the-questions-most-frequently-asked-by-bipolar-sos + +So, this guide has been up for awhile on the r/bipolarSOs subreddit. I decided to write it up - the reason being, back when my second bipolar partner went manic, I found myself caught between the devil and the deep blue sea and struggled to find a lot of helpful information quickly. So I compiled a list of frequently asked questions on r/bipolarSOs and answered them all, along with including a list of other resources to get help. +Feedback from the r/bipolarSOs community has been largely positive and I've asked a few people who actually have bipolar disorder in my life and they say they like it as well. +Apologies for a few typos and formatting errors. Please let me know what y'all think, I'd love to know the perspective from this side of the community.",Bipolar +45561,"New to Bipolar A close family member of mine just got diagnosed with bipolar this summer after experiencing a major manic episode. Is there anyone who has advice or tips for learning more about this condition, or things you wish you knew early on that might have helped you to deal with your symptoms better? If there are any resources that can be recommended all information would be appreciated. The biggest issue is sleep right now and I feel like my family member is obsessing over it to the point that they can't see the progress that they are making and I just want to know how I can help. They feel numb to emotion and at times hopeless and I wan't to know what I can do or how I can help them help themselves. + +Thank you",Bipolar +45562,"Getting bf committed How realistic is this? He's been unmedicated for 2 years and promised a month ago he'd get medicated because I said I won't stay if he doesn't (it's been bad). + +He is currently out of work (for going on 8mos) and obviously also uninsured. He went to a psych on his sister's bill about 5mos ago, was prescribed Abilify, did not like the initial side effects so refuses to take it. I can't afford to send him to a new pdoc and a lot of his family is not speaking to him rn because along with losing his job her burned most of his bridges. + +How realistic is it that we could get him committed and maybe get a new prescription that way? Is this a horrible idea? Will it make him worse? I have not proposed it yet but his counselor did about a month ago. Please help wonderful people of this amazing community. + +EDIT: not wanting to commit him involuntarily. I just want to understand how hospitals or inpatient treatment centers work in situations like this. How does one get meds/help with limited funds is probably more the question. I'm sorry for being such a noob.",Bipolar +45563,"I FEEL GREAT - worked out changes in my routine So I stopped seeing a doctor for a while. When I was with her, she kept me on Lamotrigine, the generic one, got me up to 200-something mg. I also was prescribed some Stilnox which was totally awesome if not for my shitty depressive episodes where I would try to sleep all the time and all the mania where I just wanted to hallucinate all the time. Anyway! The Lamotrigine made me feel so fucking awful. I was a zombie for the longest time. Felt no emotions, no sex drive, I was pretty absent as a girlfriend (which led to the demise of a really great relationship), no motivation to do anything from work to studies, et cetera. It wasn't working so she kept up-ing the dose and also asked me to take some Inderal to calm down the increasing anxiety I had. + +I stopped seeing her, as I've mentioned. It wasn't just the medicine, but it was also because I just didn't feel comfortable speaking to her anymore. She wasn't super awful or anything. There were just subtle instances where I would feel shitty about some things she'd say. + +Since the break up, I realized I needed to get help because I was so not mentally healthy at all. I stopped seeing her in the middle of my relationship because of reasons listed above, but also because I refused to believe that there was something wrong with my brain. I just wanted it to all go away and convince myself I was normal. Currently trying some different doctors, looking for The One. + +Meanwhile - This is probably not advisable, but because I can't wait between appointments, I started self medicating. Went totally sober. No alcohol, no cigarettes, no weed (which apparently turns BPD people schizophrenic or something? Which sucks because it was so great for the anxiety), no popping benzos - or any other drug. Started working out more consistently. Controlled my eating. I went back on the Lamotrigine BUT this time I started taking the branded GSK Lamictal. Started with 50mg. I paired it with 10mg of Inderal. I FELT SO GREAT!!!! I was having episodes all the time, but this calmed me down in a non-zombie way. I started building a tolerance to it though - I think? My anxiety would come back worse. Weeks into this routine, I went up gradually to 250mg of Lamictal and 40mg of Inderal. I'm feeling really great. I know it's not mania. I just feel healthy and normal. I think it's helping me keep to my routine, cope with my break up, be more productive. I'm on my way to becoming a better person I think. Someone who won't let the big bad BPD monster win.",Bipolar +45564,"Death of Seasons [self-hatred] (/spoiler) I was listening to one of my favorite songs from grade school, and I realized that it fits perfectly in describing how I feel towards depression, my will to survive depression, and the angst, remorse, and grief of falling into a depression. Here is the song: +. +. +. +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +""Of late, it's harder just to go outside +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; + To leave this deadspace with hatred, so alive +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; + Writhing with sickness, thrown into banality, I decay +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; + Killed by the weakness, but forced to return, turn it off + + +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +I watch the stars as they fall from the sky +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +I feel the fallen stars encircle me, now as they cry + +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +Out there so quickly grows malignant tribes +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +Posthuman extinction excels unrecognized +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +Feeling surrounded, so bored with mortality, I decay +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +All of this hatred is fucking real, turn it on... yeah + +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +It won't be all right despite what they say +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +Just watch the stars tonight as they, as they disappear, disintegrate +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +And I disintegrate 'cause this hate is fucking real +&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; +And I hope to shade the world as stars go out and I disintegrate"" + + +The first stanza starts the process of slipping into depression. It’s hard to leave the walls that are now built around you, the hatred drawn inwards is real and deadly. Leaving is an escape, but the mind of depression “forces” you to return inwards, retreat back home, and continue the stages of decay, even violence: “Killed by the weakness…turn it off"" + +The second stanza is how I see this process of suffering being reflected in the natural world through the observation of stars. I am reminded of the title of the song “Death of Seasons” which is organic and relates to nature. There is compassion inherent in seeing the suffering of them: “I held a fallen star and it wept for me” / “The fallen stars encircle me” is an act of compassion by nature itself, reminding me that the feelings of depression and disconnection are universal. + +The third stanza is also about the outside world, but a reflection on society and other people, which is viewed as working a brutal and threatening agenda (malignant tribes). For me, viewing the world at large in this way begins to give birth to thoughts that lead me to believe that the world is cruel, and that I no longer wish to participate in it, which completes the process of depression and fatefully, gives rise to the momentum of wanting to take my own life. + +The bridge, or last stanza, is a confirmation of the reality of depression, merely the way things are, so to speak. The vocalist directs the attention to the sky, and sees the completion of the cycle, the end of the season when things wither and die. Yet compassion for the whole world is alive, “I hope to shade the world as stars go out” which still amazes me, that in the throes and thick of a hard depression the parts of me that want to help and be a part of the world live on.",Bipolar +45565,"Diagnosed yesterday with many things I am 31. I was diagnosed bipolar 2, ocd, adhd, and gad. + +Anyone else have a similar mixed bag? + +My Dr put me on modafinil, wellbutrin xl, and risperadone. + +Anyone have experience with these?",Bipolar +45566,"I want my family and my boyfriend to learn more about bipolar disorder since I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 2. What are some good books or websites to share with them? Basically everything in the title. I haven’t been doing great lately and it’s been taken out on my parents and boyfriend. Have been having more mixed episodes which suck, and then I’m drained and feel nothing. My parents have been getting not mad, but frustrated because they don’t understand. I try explaining to my parents but they don’t want to hear it sometimes which makes me feel like shit, and then my boyfriend doesn’t really understand the way I explain things. He isn’t as frustrated but I can just tell it affects him and I wish it didn’t. ",Bipolar +45567,"Tips for Severe Depression? Hello! + +I've been in a very suicidal depressive cycle for about two months now, and I'm just...stuck. I have some coping mechanisms that work for my usual level of depression, but nothing seems to be helping this time. + +I'm making sure I eat semi-regularly, taking my meds, getting sleep, and trying to keep myself distracted with old hobbies (even if they're not enjoyable, it does take my mind off things for a bit). I'm currently trying to get into meditation/mindfulness at the suggestion of my therapist but it's proving to be a bit difficult (so far I've used Headspace and Calm). A solid exercise schedule seems really daunting/near impossible right now, but I'm planning on taking my dog for a walk tomorrow if it doesn't rain. + +Does anyone have anything that helped them get out of a severe depressive state? + +Thank you and sorry for the wall of text!",Bipolar +45568,"Nonstop Impulses I always thought my BP2/ADD (?) was all about *distractions*. Shiny things, and all that. A partly external problem that I just suck at filtering out. I never considered my overpowering urges and habits to be impulse-based, and it is revolutionizing the way I’m seeing things. + +I Googled around to learn more, and I came across a bullshit shaming listicle from BP Hope (I thought they were our friends!!!) basically saying “just discipline yourself!”. As if everybody gets the impulse to stay up into the wee hours organizing their bathroom, or the compulsion to spend their whole paycheck on something they didn’t give a shit about a week ago, or the brilliant idea to start their own business with no money, but they’re just better at controlling it. + +At work, it seems to take me twice the time to do things as everyone else, and it’s largely due to constant small, but uncontrollable things I “have to do”. + +Fuck all that. I figured I’d check in with the real BP ni••az. Where do you think our nonstop impulses come from and has anyone had any luck with controlling them? + + +",Bipolar +45569,Electroconvulsive Therapy? Has anyone tried electroshock therapy? Thoughts. I'm getting desperate about beating this depression.,Bipolar +45570,"Bipolar and Shift Work...thoughts please Hi i understand that its not the best idea to work shifts like a 2 day ,then 2 over night then 4 days off. But i need to do this for my job. If i stay on my lithium and use other drugs as needed like sleeping pills or antipsychotics to make sure i sleep after backshifts i think ill be fine. Keep in mind i will be very carful of getting the rest is need and that after the 2 backshift i will have 4 days off. So in total of 8 days only 2 of them i will be working overnight. + +Also keep in mind that i have been working a 6am start shift every second week and 10am the next week for 5 years and get up at 5am for that somtimes after only 4 or 5 hours sleep and have done fine. + +It seems to be mostly getting stressed and not taking meds drinking too much coffee or drinks that has cause me problems in the past + +Thoughts please + +",Bipolar +45571,"Pre shift anxiety so I work for a starbucks inside albertsons. I've been here for about a month and everything has been going okay. But I've found that I always without fail get anxious about the day ahead of me, I've been this way since I got my first job 4 years ago. Once I go to work I'm 90% better, but it starts again the next day. You would think that if you had a good day then it would disprove all the worries you've had, but there's always the thought of ""today was good, but tomorrow could just as easily be terrible"". I know many of you deal with this as well but I just felt like ranting to people who would actually understand me, after all misery loves company. + +I'm about to go into work and I'm dreading every tick of the clock. Good luck to everyone else who's fighting the good fight today. + +",Bipolar +45572,"Is it normal to crave being manic again? As some background, I have not been manic in almost 2 years. I also stopped taking medication for bipolar disorder about 3 months ago. This was with the approval of my therapist and psychiatrist after going though a lot of different therapy including DBT. Lately, I have been having slight symptoms which, because of the therapy, I am able to think differently about them instead of being delusional about it. I know it can be super destructive in many ways, but I crave mania a lot. Just, the euphoria and intense feelings of love towards people, and the sex feeling so much better. Is this normal?",Bipolar +45573,Do you get sleep paralysis? I'm curious because I get sleep paralysis and wondered if Bipolar disorder could be related to it. ,Bipolar +45574,"Stem cell research When you are bipolar, have absolutely no hope so you invest your life savings into crypto currencies so one day you can possibly be rich and cure your bipolar with the future of stem cell injections. Maybe a long shot but better than dying. ",Bipolar +45575,"Recent upset and trouble with meds. So i haven't been formally diagnosed because I'm not 18 but I'm currently on an atypical antipyschotic (Saphris). Lately I've been having a few episodes. I'm extra irritable and my mood has been kind of volatile. Last week, my long distance bf and i broke up. He was cheating on me and I've been really upset. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is normal or if it's a side effect of this disorder. I don't know if i should go up on my medications or ride this out. Does anyone have any advice or have felt anything similar? ",Bipolar +45576,"Medication advice- Divalproex Hi guys, this is my first post so I apologize for any mistakes!! So my psych prescribed me divalproex (generic Depakote) and its really been helping me. But when I went to pick up my refill, the pharmacy told me that it was now $114 instead of the usual $10 I pay for it. + +Have you had this experience? I don’t understand why the price would raise by more than $100 in less than a month. I didn’t switch insurance or anything. I called my insurance company and they just said “the price of the medication rose this year”. + +What should I do? Should I ask my psych to switch mood stabilizers for me? I really don’t want to switch up my medication again. I was just starting to feel normal again after months of hypomania. + +Thanks in advance! ",Bipolar +45577,"Best bipolar videos I've found (youtube) Since I was diagnosed, I've been nigh-obsessively looking for all the videos on Bipolar I could find. I thought the community would like a compilation of what I've found: + +Stephen Fry's ""The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive"" parts [1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yT_F0dMZRU), [2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7tLn57pf-8), and [10 years later](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NJEA9t4vs0) -- Stephen Fry's intimate expose into his own bipolar, how it's affected his life, and the research being done at the time of filming. + +[Of Two Minds](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-SpgW2V4zs): A documentary that follows multiple individuals with bipolar disorder as they try to manage their condition and learn about it. + +[Dr. Patrick McKeon: What Bipolar Disorder is and what to do](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHGf82yy33Q) : A lecture given on bipolar disorder discussing the features and traits of the illness, what aggravates it, and how to avoid the condition. Features of how it can present. + +[Ride the Tiger: A Guide Through the Bipolar Brain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxnbAFQINoM) : A documentary looking at the neuroscience behind bipolar disorder, and the technologies being used to explore the illness and possible treatments. + +[Mindscape: Richard Dreyfuss on Living with Bipolar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsE6c4XkiAc) : A 20-minute long interview with Richard Dreyfuss on his struggle with bipolar and treatment. + +[Coping with Bipolar Disorder: Eight Practical Strategies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ly5zmx3ZORc) : Lecture broken up into three parts given by David Miklowitz, author of the HUGELY helpful [Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide](https://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Disorder-Survival-Guide-Second/dp/1606235427), including practical tips to help manage and prevent episodes, as well as what leads up to them. + +[Bipolar Disorder: Preventing Relapse, by Dr. Patrick McKeon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mdopKvBqNA) : Lecture given on how to prevent relapse in bipolar disorder. + +[What's New in Bipolar Disorder?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xwjbm6qICI) A lecture by Paul Erickson, MD on the then-most current developments in bipolar disorder. + +[DOCS: Being Bipolar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMFLeNDKwxY) : A mental health documentary looking at bipolar disorder, multiple people that have been affected by it, by a psychologist seeking to understand the disorder better. + +[Mood Disorders and Creativity](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MOHA-_O4EI) : Lecture given by Kay Redfield Jamison on famous historical figures that may have suffered mood disorders, and how their possible disorders may have impacted their work. Spoilers: Bepeeps like poetry. LOL + +[Kay Redfield Jamison: Understanding Suicide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVV6vlaSfVQ) : A lecture on suicide, the scope of the problem, given by Kay Jamison, bipolar patient and researcher. + +[Why do people die by suicide?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Arywx88jMXw) : A lecture given on suicide including warning signs, how to talk to someone that's suicidal, and why people commit suicide. *Note: The techniques presented in this video helped me talk a fellow redditor through a depression that they couldn't see a way through. Definitely recommend this video. + +There's a metric shitton of videos out there. Here are some of the best I've found. Hope you can find some use out of them! <3",Bipolar +45578,"99 problems and hypomania is all of them I’ve been fairly manic the past 2 or so weeks, sleeping maybe 4-5 hours on a good day/night (I work at a 24-hour hospital) and eating just enough that I don’t crumble every time I stand. Additionally, I’ve been having relationship problems that have been overwhelming me to uncontrollable tears every second that I stop and think about my life. I’ve been go-go-go nonstop, working 70 hour weeks because I couldn’t say no when I was asked to pick up shifts, and have definitely not been chill towards my body. + + +I‘m now starting to feel the repercussions of the past few weeks— my body is dragging, my words don’t come out right (even the kids I work with called me out on it), and my thoughts would get a reckless driving ticket if they could operate a motor vehicle. I have to work 11pm-7am tonight after waking up at 5 this morning to work 7-3pm, not sleeping after, and barely stomaching a chocolate bar for dinner. I’m incredibly anxious about my body giving out on me at work and I don’t know what to do to make sure I can maintain during this shift. ?? + + + +If anyone has advice, I would greatly appreciate it + + +",Bipolar +45579,When you miss a dose of your medications can you tell it that day or the next day? I guess the reason I ask is because it seems like every time I miss a dose of medications I have a terrible day. Or if I miss a night dose the next morning is really bad. Is this all just a coincidence or is my body sensitive to substances? <3 Thanks!,Bipolar +45580,"Trying an alternative route to recovery in case meds don't work out I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster for the past couple of months, being switched on and off various medications (I posted in here a while back about going on quetiapine and immediately having to be taken off it because it gave me hallucinations) and battling through referral systems to try and get therapy and a diagnosis. I've finally been referred to a neurologist and a psychiatrist, but the psychiatry appointment isn't til May 31st (my doc's pretty pissed off, he'd requested it as an 'urgent appointment' U_U), so until then it's basically up to me to keep myself stable. + +i've started keeping a bullet journal where i can track my moods, am using dbt self help books every day, meditating every night, have quit alcohol, and this morning started at a yoga class; i'm trying literally everything that mentally-well people have been telling me to do for years. do any of you have any lifestyle changes/natural remedies i haven't mentioned that work for you? i wish i could rely on meds and therapy to get me through, but the healthcare system is so slow-moving in the UK that i feel i should have a back-up plan, and also it doesn't hurt to fill my life with things other than antidepressants sometimes. i don't wanna turn into one of those 'you don't need drugs, nature is the real antidepressant' kinda people, but if it turns out those people are correct then i'm frankly quite happy to be wrong if it means an easier way to recover lol. (i hope all this makes sense, i'm a rambly person when i'm not in a depressive phase)",Bipolar +45581,is bipolar disorder caused by faulty brain mechanisms? such as overactivity in diff parts of the brain?,Bipolar +45582,"He always says he will die young.. +A very close friend who I dated for a while was later diagnosed BP2, I am not BP. He will often make comments that he will die young and won’t be around later in life. I ask if he feels suicidal, he says no, he’s convinced he’ll die of a heart attack. + +I know BP can have a higher risk of suicide - I get terrified when I hear these comments. + +Anyone else been there? Said these things? Advice in general?",Bipolar +45583,"How do you know you've got a case of the rapid cycles? Fairly new to my diagnosis (BP2) and I'm currently on lamictal 25mg heading to 75 as a goal dose. + +I've been having deep sad days followed by not bad maybe I can figure this out days and my daylio is showing a little bit of a roller coaster ride. + +Im wondering - is this what rapid cycling is or am I just wonky cause of the meds or am I just trying to get out of the depression and this is what it looks like?(only been tracking for three months) or am I overthinking it and should just chill? + +Thanks for your insights!",Bipolar +45584,"Cannot get help I moved from one state to another. I have bipolar I and I'm in my 30s, married, working. My old psychiatrist refuses to help me without a live appointment; I'm 14 hours away. He has been refilling my current medications but won't even adjust the dose or return messages. I am in the process of getting in to see a psychiatrist in the new state, but I have to see a case worker first, and that is over a month away. I have been to the ER--they refused to help me and basically kicked me out, saying they wouldn't touch my meds and said Benadryl would help me sleep and that would make me better. + +I have been experiencing severe mixed episodes, mania and anxiety to the point of it crippling my life. I am trying to figure out how to get help without being hospitalized, because I am in fear of losing my new job to absences. Any advice?",Bipolar +45585,"How do you folks reach to vitamin D supplements? I've been trying high dose vitamin D supplements >5000iu on some days, and have been noticing fatigue and exercise intolerance on those days that i dose this. And relatively much calmer than usual. + +Just wondering if its a bipolar thing, and you guys notice the same?",Bipolar +45586,Fast Cycling I've been experiencing extreme mood swings in a single day. I thought it was a hormone problem but a friend said it could be from my bipolar diagnosis. I haven't mentioned it to my psychiatrist because i didn't think it was related since I had never heard about that being a symptom before. I've definitely never met someone else who has described the same thing. I'm taking lamictal but I can't tell it working other than not being in a depression for months at a time anymore. Does anyone else here experience this?,Bipolar +45587,"I feel like I'm overanalyzing I've been diagnosed for ten years. Heavily overmedicated for 3, then in denial for 7. I'm now almost a week into Lamictal and terrified it's going to trigger mania. I've been obsessively recording every dream, paranoid thought, and mood variance and I feel completely lost. I can't tell if feeling happy is normal or the beginnings of an episode and I'm overthinking until I'm 10 feet deep in depression. Last night I had my first suicidal ideation/thoughts of self harm in months. I was on my way home from the store (picking up supplies to eat my feelings- is this why people gain weight on these meds?) And I sobbed the whole way home and sat in my driveway for 10 minutea before I could regain my composure. Total hopelessness. I feel so lost. Have any of you experienced depression from Lamictal? The overanalyzing is killing me and the more I look at it the more lost I feel.",Bipolar +45588,"Medication adjustments, I'm frustrated . 22/F, Bipolar 2. I need a rant . I'm in college. I struggled with schooling my entire life, I guess for the simple fact that things don't hold my attention or interests for long. Pair that with depression and random hypomania, anxiety and well... nothing good. I dropped out of hignschool but got my vrade 12 and now I'm trying to better myself . While I'm doing better than before due to medication, it's still a struggle. +Back in February 2017, I made the hard choice to see my doctor and have a referal put in to see a psychiatrist . Since I live in a shitty area, we have one fly in once every so often. So when I seen him, he put me on lamotragine and said that was the issue at hand to be dealt with first, then we would see what the next point of action would be (ADHD, depression, anxiety). Since I've been doing well with anxiety, he suspected ADHD would be next and seemed to think I would be able to notice after the dose was increased a few times. + Fast forward to today. I'm on 150mg of lamotragine, clonazepam as needed (when I get aggressive, panic attacks etc). I was leveled out for months at 125mgs, but had a checkup for refills back in October where my family doctor increased them because the psychiatrist wanted to see about getting me up to 300mgs. Since it was what the psychiatrist wanted, family doctor wanted to keep increasing to ""see what the differance is""... I was hesitant because I'm in school, I don't want to jeopardize anything, and this dosage I was on was tried and true as far as I was concerned. After telling him how I felt he said ""your feeling good now, maybe you could be feeling better"" so... benefit of the doubt, I did as I was told. +Yesterday I had another appointment. I went in, figuring it was the usual routine. Told him I couldn't concentrate, I was feeling distracted often and easily, and my interests were shifting pretty often so I was concerned. I asked to see the psychiatrist again to talk about ADHD since that's what was suggested before, and seems to be what I'm dealing with. I was told WE DONT HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW.... BUT would very soon and I would have a referral put in to see him/her for when we do and they visit. Awesome, right? +So now he wants to lower my dosage back to 125mgs to ""see the difference"" which is the same shit I was told when he increased it to 150mgs. I don't want to do that. I'm uncomfortable, possibly distressed about the thought of it altogether since I'm so sensitive to these things. I can't afford a hypomanic/depressive spiral right now, not while I'm in school... so I'm thinking I'll just keep my dosage until I see another psychiatrist.... FML",Bipolar +45589,"Let's go cycling through Manicville...(venting) I just have to vent a little. I am suddenly in a phase where I cry at...every little thing. And in between crying I am drunk on manic energy. I love the creativity that my manic side allows me. I love being able to draw again and write. I am getting things done around the house and well, you all know the story. It's just bittersweet because I know I have to see my therapist and stop this cycling before I do something really bad or go into a psychotic episode (Its pretty devastating to my life when I do). I already emailed my therapist so I am trying to enjoy the energy for the last few hours while I can. It's like a drug isn't it? It can destroy your life but you still want it. IDK. Can anyone relate?? ",Bipolar +45590,"My cat just died.... She wasn’t even a full year old yet. Around 2am tonight I realized I hadn’t seen her since the morning, so I looked for her. Finally found her under my bed. She wasn’t waking up when I called her, and when I reached out to her she was rock hard and cold. I had to pull her stiff body out to the middle of my bedroom floor and absolutely fucking lost it. She’d probably been dead since midday. Picking her up and walking her to my car, and from my car into the pet hospital sent me even more over the edge. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know what to do. Neither I nor the technicians know what happened. I don’t know what to fucking do. She was my medicine. She was my fucking cure for this stupid fucking disease and made me feel like maybe I had a purpose and she was the one thing who made me feel loved. Gave me the purest and most wholesomely full heart. I haven’t felt love like that...maybe ever. I felt a little less fucking lonely in this endless depression because I had someone who would sleep with me and be close to me and make me feel loved. And she fucking died. I can’t handle this. I have no one to hug me and no one to hold me right now because my closest friend is on a ship in the middle of the fucking ocean for who knows how much longer. + +I just. really? really. This has to be a joke. I’m fucking done. I’m so fucking over this life and feeling cold and alone and not being able to hold onto any kind of fucking love I get. + +I keep thinking that this is karma for just being a shit person inside. I hate myself. I hate this. I just want to love and feel fucking loved. and now. she died.",Bipolar +45591,What’s causing my agitation? I’m having a lot of agitation and anxiety. I take lamictal and gabapentin twice a day and I can always tell when it’s wearing off. I don’t know what’s going on. ,Bipolar +45592,"Dad needs help with son's bipolar 2 My 18 year old son was diagnosed a few weeks ago with bipolar 2 with psychotic features. Prior to this he was being treated for anxiety with zoloft. About a year ago he started smoking pot to help with the anxiety and convinced me that it was better for him than zoloft. As of last October he started zoloft AND weed. Since then he's had deep depression and some scary ""rages"". + +He agreed to go see a psychiatrist and that's when he got the diagnosis. The doctor prescribed Latuda but he complained about extra anxiety, then when the dose went up to 40mg he had a severe reaction of akathisia and panic attack. + +So he stopped taking it and we have an appointment in a few days with the pdoc. + +He keeps insisting that we find a drug with no side effects or he goes back to smoking. He thinks the doctor is stupid and isn't worried about how THC might make paranoia worse. + +I don't think he knows just how irritable he is almost all the time. I walk on tiptoes worrying that something I say will trigger a 2 hour lecture. Looking at other med options it seems Seroquel might be better since it helps with anxiety but he looked at the side effect list and balked. + +How do I convince him to keep trying until he finds something that works for him? This seems like a catch 22, he thinks he's smarter than the pdoc but that belief would go away on the right med. + +I love my son! I want him to feel ""normal"". But nothing in my life has prepared me for how to handle this.",Bipolar +45593,"Mania, Hypersexuality, Relationship, Mlehh... Ugh. I already typed like 3 paragraphs and it all disappeared. Anywho, as indicated, I'm experiencing my second manic episode in a four month period, despite meds. I'm not complaining! But what I'm getting at is that I'd appreciate if you just bear with me. TIA. + +In my last manic episode, I expressed my hypersexuality by posting in GoneWild-essque subs. That's what I'm doing this time, but also selling content and it's just not enough for me. I want to meet some of these people I encounter and it all just seems so RATIONAL in my head. Like, not everyone is a serial killer, right? The only problem I see is my boyfriend, and that is obviously a bigger problem. + +Ah, my boyfriend. He is amazing. I love him so much, I just want MORE. Like, I want to do the things I want to do and come out together at the end of this phase I'm going through. I've never had that kind of freedom before. I've steadily been in relationships for almost 10 years now and only been with two people in my life. So it seems fair to want to explore a bit, doesn't it? But I don't think it's fair that I'd have to sacrifice my relationship to do so. Ugh. + +I really can't afford to be in this kind of a headspace. I'm starting college back up tomorrow and I love my life. I had a talk with my boyfriend though, and he said once he is comfortable with what I'm already doing, we can explore the idea of me having different experiences and such. So I wasn't shut down, so that's good. But I started to spiral because he asked if it's something I would risk our relationship for. And I explained that it feels like this is what it will take for me to be happy, and I don't think it's fair to leverage my happiness against our relationship so I couldn't answer... Is that bad? + +What are your experiences with hypersexuality especially in regards to relationships? How do you get through it? How do I curb the appeal to just ""fuck it, yolo"" it?",Bipolar +45594,"Sleep-talking and Restlessness with Bipolar Disorder? I've struggled with Bipolar Disorder for years. I'm almost 20, and I notice a lot that I end up sleep talking. I've had a couple occasions where I wake up in the middle of the night and I start having a conversation with one of my friends, just like I would do at any other point in the day. I would feel like my friend is sitting in the chair in the corner of my room just having a conversation with me in the dark, and I will wake up and talk for a couple of minutes (what it seems like at least) before I seem to pull out of it and freak out a little when I realize that it wasn't real. + +It gets WAY worse when my boyfriend sleeps over at my apartment. When I used to stay at my ex's house as well, I remember sleep-talking over there. + +When my boyfriend slept over last week, I had at least 4 instances within the night of tossing and turning where I started having nightmares, and then talking through them. There were a couple points in the night where I ""woke up"" and shook my boyfriend on the shoulder and started talking to him like he was my old best friend Shelby. I began talking to ""Shelby"" about how our friendship had been on the rocks but we should try and be best friends again. He was mostly sound asleep and wrapped his arms around me and I remember thinking ""Oh, that's not Shelby"" right before I fell back into a short, but deep sleep. + +It happened with another nightmare that same night, I woke up crying and saying ""I don't know why you would do this, why did you have to do that? Why did you cheat on me? You know loyalty is so important to me,"" because in my dream I guess my boyfriend had been unfaithful or something, and I was in the in-between of asleep and awake and I started lecturing my very-faithful boyfriend on why he dream-cheated on me (lol). But after a minute of talking to him (he's a heavy sleeper, so he didn't really fully listen right away to what I was saying), I snap out of it almost every time, even just a little bit and realize that I wasn't actually having a convo with anyone. + +It's a really bizarre scenario, and it's happened a few times. + +Another one I can specifically think of included sleep walking and sleep talking at my ex's house. I started having a full-on conversation at 3 am after having been sound asleep, and I started talking about how I wanted to watch the movie School of Rock (idk why haha). + +It's hard because it's not a full-on sleeptalking I don't think. I have a weird experience where in the moment, I am aware that I am having a conversation, even though I think my body is about 10% aware that the people I am talking to are just from my dreams. It's so strange. I'm sorry if this is confusing, but if anyone has any experience with intense & regular sleep-talking, please do share!!",Bipolar +45595,"Jumping up and down during mania I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. During my manic episodes, when I get excited I start jumping up and down (and I usually put my headphones on to intensify my mania). I've been doing this since I can remember and it's taking its toll on my knees. I'm currently taking meds for my disorder, but they're not stopping my jumping up and down. Does anyone have a similar issue? How do/did you stop/control it?",Bipolar +45596,"Anyone with bipolar disorder have family members that are Undiagnosed and in denial about being bipolar? I have Bipolar disorde type 2 with basically every anxiety disorder. My dad's side of the family basically all have anxiety disorders but have not acknowledged they may have a problem and need to be formally diagnosed as far as I know. My father for sure has a problem as he has been in the hospital many times throughout my life with Atrial Fribulation thats resulted when he's under a lot of stress. +My mother is the one I'm not sure may have Bipolar disorder or some kind of disorder. Her mood is up and down, where one day she'll be absolutely vicious and will find a way to be verbally vicious to anyone around her. Of course to her family she will be meaner, but to friends she'll just make snarky remarks. And then maybe the next day she will be so sweet and just the best mother I could ever ask for. Her and I will get into pretty bad fights where we have even been violent and I'm not proud of it but she gets so mad over a mistake I've made and then I can't take it anymore and we will get into a fight of course it's 99 percent of the time just verbal abuse. I'm in my 20s and it's embarrassing that this is still happening but I've noticed a patters, her and my grandma are the same way. What do you guys may think this is? Any help",Bipolar +45597,"Acceptance...for now. I've been on disability for a good while now. Anyone on disability can probably relate to the strong desire to be away from it. The Social Security office generally treats you like a criminal, you never know who agrees with the negative stigma and sees you as some sort of lazy leach on society, and some days, you fight with the notion yourself. Many people tie worth to one's ability to work and contribute, and it's easy to fall into that realm of thought where you feel worthless and ashamed. + +Anyway, to my story. Around June last year, I was put on a game-changing medication. My anxiety disappeared seemingly overnight, and I felt more confident and comfortable than I have for most of my life. Gears started turning in my head. I could go out among the people! Maybe I could find some companionship and stop feeling so lonely. Maybe I could earn my keep and feel some pride for a change. + +This lead to me starting a second part-time job with the intention of ramping up my hours carefully and slowly, the goal being to eventually be making enough to support myself without the SSDI check, Medicare, etc. I was certain I was on track to being an honest, ""normal"" person. I took on more and more responsibilities. Things were looking good for about 6 months. + +Then the medication turned on me, as it seems they all eventually do. Every day, things get worse. While it still keeps the majority of my anxiety at bay, I now have a persistent depression. I've lost interest in many things, including wanting to do a good job at work. I let things slip, do the bare minimum, and count each second until I am able to go home. Increasing hours at a job that I am having less and less of a tolerance for seems like a good way to speed up an inevitable crash and burn. If something doesn't change soon, I will likely have a breakdown and/or wind up in the hospital. + +And for what? + +Before I started the new med and took the second part-time job, I was doing okay for myself. My first part time job was enough to keep me connected to the outside world, even though the pay might have been considered token at best. I kept myself busy with personal projects. At times I felt lonely, but I had friends. I had trouble with anxiety and depression, but I had time and space to cope. + +In my current situation, I feel like I'm on a speeding train. There are no time-outs when I am feeling terrible. What time I have for my own interests is tainted by dread of the next workday and this consistent, low current of depression. The second part-time job has made the first one, *the one I found rewarding and enjoyable,* feel like an inescapable chore. All I want to do now is go home and hide. All this effort put in to build a ""respectable life"" and dig myself out from under disability, and I feel so much more frightened, fragile, and trapped than before. + +No medication has been effective for me for such a long duration. I was certain it was the one, so I ended up biting off more than I could chew. Now, I'm dependent on a drug that makes me miserable and puts me in a precarious emotional state every day. I stress out and hide from my responsibilities. Every day I feel inadequate and not up to snuff. + +And why? Because I felt guilty for being on disability? Because I was certain that life free off it would be better? That I couldn't have companionship, self-worth, or be among the living if I wasn't earning my keep in traditional terms? + +After much thought, *I have made a conscious choice to ""regress.""* Clearly, working full time is not an attainable goal for me right now. I'm cutting my current average of 15 hours per week at my second job to around 7. Between it and my first job, I'm likely looking at around 10 a week, which I think will be manageable. Also, I'm getting off the ""wonder drug"" that keeps my anxiety at bay at the cost of my sanity and happiness. I will regroup, stabilize, and *find some damned peace.* + +Being off disability wasn't in the cards this time, and *that's okay.* There's a reason I was put on it in the first place. Maybe I will find an opportunity to be financially independent in the future, maybe not. But I will stop with the self-shaming. I can still have a worthwhile life, whatever the circumstances. + +**TL;DR - I found a wonder drug, thought it would finally get me off disability. It didn't, and that's okay. Life goes on.** + +*EDIT: Added TL;DR and fixed some grammar.*",Bipolar +45598,"Job I’m unemployed and don’t know what to work in. + +What do you guys do?",Bipolar +45599,"I’m bored but don’t want to do anything? So I’m bored at school. Not really sure why, I’ve got a lot going on I feel at sometimes and at others literally nothing. I’m on some meds for bipolarism but I’m finding that I almost enjoy just sitting and doing nothing over everything.",Bipolar +45600,"My meds make it so much worse I was diagnosed with bipolar two 3 or so years ago and it's awful. I am always depressed unless i'm hypomanic, which doesn't happen very often. I miss being super happy when i'm manic because it's a lot better than the depression. i am on lamictal and latuda right now, and the latuda is ruining my life. i think about suicide everyday to make myself feel better, but i know that's not an option because i can't hurt my family. i have akathesia from the latuda and i also have this feeling like i'm not a person. i don't want to hang out with my friends or anyone anymore and i'm always stressed out and depressed. i'm slowly getting off of the latuda since it is ruining any happiness i could possibly have but each day that goes by i want to kill myself even more. + +if anyone has any advice for me that'd be great because i can't seem to find anything that makes me feel better. ",Bipolar +45601,"I just asked my boss to fire me Isnt it lovely how you can be superfunctioning for a while and suddenly wake up to the reality of what a fucking shithead you are? + +How do you get people to leave you alone? + +Ive dreamt of hanging myself for a week. I dont know why Im writing this. When Im alone and all is quiet I can hear whispers of how fucking useless I am. Shadows moved last night. How can one be so´empty but full of shit at the same time I can feel the black bile hiding in my throayt waiting to spill out and Im scared all the time because thefres thjkis fucking creature i can feelk it hunting and i cant sleep or close my eyes and i cant shut the lights and the scream i want to fill the world with is stuck and it is like it will burst my chest I wear my mask of calm still and tomorrow I will take care of my husband and cats and life and work but under it is death and it will come for me",Bipolar +45602,"New diagnosis, new medications (Abilify) and, of course, new questions Hi everyone! A little background here, before I ask any questions: + +I've been struggling with mental health issues for approximately eight years now, and I am twenty-years-old. I was ""officially"" diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2016, and started an anti-depressant. It worked alright at the start, but I continually seemed to be on some sort of a wave. Sometimes it was really, really bad, but then other times it seemed like everything was fine and I couldn't remember what it was like to be depressed. + +Over time, this lead to me having more questions/concerns, and I spent some time doing research, and combined with some family history, this resulted in a personal hunch that I might have some form of bipolar disorder. I was pretty convinced I might have bipolar type II. + +In the past few weeks, I finally found got enrolled with a Nurse Practitioner, and I was able to talk about the crushing depression I was feeling. At first, she decided I was experiencing severe depression, and sent me for blood tests before she planned to increase my Wellbutrin prescription. However, after my blood tests and talking some more, she did further screening. Based on the questionnaires I filled out and what we talked about, she and the doctor she works under confirmed that I have bipolar disorder. Despite the fact that I had been thinking about it, it was still a shock and I'm trying to get myself oriented in this new world. + +Now, about new medications... Originally, I was going to be given lamotrigine 25mg twice daily, but the nurse practitioner had to consult the doctor to figure out if I would stay on my Wellbutrin at the same time or if I needed to be weaned off Wellbutrin first. In the end, they decided to keep me on Wellbutrin, add Abilify once daily at night, and if I reached the max dose of Abilify without optimal results, then they would add lamotrigine or another mood stabilizer. + +So, last week I started Abilify at the 2mg dose. I take it at approximately 11:00pm, and then go to bed. However, I am having a tough time figuring out if my symptoms over the past few days are related, if they're typical, if they're likely to last, etc. + +**Disclaimer: I know that you cannot provide medical advice, nor do I want medical advice from strangers on the Internet! I will be telling my nurse practitioner everything when I see her next, which will be on Wednesday of this week. I am just hoping to find some insight from other people who have taken Abilify and had similar experiences or who can provide additional reliable resources about Abilify, because I am struggling to find this information myself.** + +* The nurse practitioner told me that they wanted me on Abilify to help me get better sleep. However, I don't find it makes it easy to sleep at all. The first night, I ended up being mostly awake until 7:30am, and then slept until 10:30am. The second night, I was awake until 1:45am and slept until 10:00am, and I had similar patterns the rest of the nights so far. Last night, I went to bed around 11:00pm as usual, and still was up until around 1:00am and woke up at 5:25am. I know that it takes a while for medications to really start working, but is this at all normal? This is almost worse than my sleep lately before I started it. +* I keep feeling so, so sick. The first day, I got a little bit queasy but didn't think much of it until I woke up and couldn't get out of bed at first because I felt so sick. Over the weekend, it made me so sick that I missed two shifts at work because I couldn't be bending over and lifting things up and walking around. I actually threw up once, but that was it. I did some research online and ended up making the decision to try taking gravol with it, but I know it can make me more drowsy and it's definitely causing dry mouth. I'm wondering if anyone else has taken Abilify and had this problem? Does it go away over time, and only come back when changing doses? +* Last night specifically, while I was trying to sleep, I experienced something I don't think I ever have before. I think I had some auditory hallucinations, I heard a repetitive noise, and then it was almost like people were talking despite the fact that I was alone with my boyfriend who was sleeping soundly. I've never had them before, and I don't understand where this would come from. Could it be from taking the Abilify? Or is it likely unrelated and coincidental? + +Thank you in advance to everyone who reads and/or responds! ",Bipolar +45603,"How to thwart midnight random racing thoughts? I like to think up fun stories or scenarios to avoid those worrying, terrible, racing thoughts I’ll get the rest of my night. My favorites are astronaut puppies adventures, living in the HP universe, pray, what kind of powers I’d have, and which book I’d live in. + +What are y’alls favorite strategies?",Bipolar +45604,"I just got diagnosed After years of suspecting that I had bipolar disorder, I finally saw a psychologist and got diagnosed. I was really pushed to go after I saw how detrimental it was to those around me and the suicidal thoughts were becoming constant. I was a little disappointed when my doctor suggested medication to help with my treatment. I avoided medication for the longest because I would hate for them to zombify me. I don’t wanna be out of it nor feel unlike myself. + +This leads me to ask, does anyone have alternatives for treatment? Has it worked? How long until you noticed a significant improvement? I have so many questions after finally being diagnosed and I just wanna know how to cope and where to go from here. Any input is appreciated!",Bipolar +45605,"What happens if you take medication? I am going to be evaluated for bipolar disorder soon and if diagnosed will have to decide whether or not to take medication. What happens emotionally and intellectually if you take medicine for it? + +I’m very afraid to take medication because I had a very bad experience at age 12. I was on antidepressants for two years (11-13) and became a bit self absorbed and had serious impulse control problems. It ultimately led to suicide. Twice.",Bipolar +45606,"i seem to only have bipolar spectrum symptoms as reactions to medications...is this a thing? So I know I'm only 22 and my mental health could get worse, but when I'm off meds I don't cycle. + +I have plenty of depression, but not anymore than I've had since adolescence, i can be very sensitive, but i don't have out of no where mood swings. + +The only manic, mixed, or suicidal episodes. I've had are the result of medication. + +Zoloft at 15- hypo +every time i've been on stimulants- hypo or mixed +medrol in the hospital- full on psychotic episode +lamictal-mixed ep +quitting wellbutrin- rage and suicidality + +I have mitochondrial dysfunction (mthfr) so i'm sensitive in general. I haven't taken any meds for 3 months and I feel totally stable, my psychiatric issues are more inline with autism spectrum. + +I've never had any kind of episode that came independently of a medication change. Can anyone else relate to this?",Bipolar +45607,"Just got fired, my ex moved out of our home.. I'm legit all alone. I live 2500 miles away from where I grew up. My parents are low income so they can't help me. My ex just moved back to our home city, so now I am totally on my own. I've been searching for a job high and low but nothing so far. Rent is due in a few days as well as my car insurance, and I have no idea what to do. Does anyone know of any resources I can utilize until I can get my feet under me? I am seriously so lost. And sad. My bipolar disorder has once again started setting my life on fire. + +",Bipolar +45608,Paranoia---Help Please! So do you know if you are paranoid? I feel like I am having some serious paranoia but I'm not sure if I'm just super anxious or if I am actually paranoid. ,Bipolar +45609,"Is this normal? I feel like I have a burning sensation in my chest and my head. I feel like I drank 3 cups of coffee, but also drank some wine. + +I am energetic, but sad. I am restless and I want to cry. I want to yell, hurt and tear into everyone and my impulses seem to be more in control than my logic. I can't focus, am floating. Impulsive, Anxious, Agitated, afraid, sad, paranoid, I am feeling everything at once. + +Most of all I want to find a hole and hide until it passes. + +No meds, don't drink coffee, don't drink alcohol. I have a hard time coping when this happens and it happens to varying degrees often. + +This is the worst one this year due to stress. + +I hate feeling like this. + +EDIT: FYI, not self diagnosing. I don't know how to cope with this. I didn't catch it in time, yelled/tore into my wife and now I feel even more depressed. ",Bipolar +45610,"Just got denied life insurance. What to do? I just got denied life insurance, I was reluctant to have my doc notes turned over because I feel like it is a violation of privacy, but I knew I would be denied if I did not. I understand why they need that information because they are basically bookies trying to set the odds on if you are going to be alive in 20 years. Well it is another tough pill to swallow, that this is jus the way it is. This is also the first time my bp has been cited to outright deny something. I get it I understand, how ever I have a family I am concerned about if an accident or something happens. I am sure I am not the first to go through this and this is the only place I think I can find good answers.",Bipolar +45611,"Horrible day.. quit my job on the first day. Hey how’s it going? + +Some stuff happened today and I really need an outlet right now or someone to talk to without judgement... + +My situation is as follows, I’m a guy 18 years old have been struggling with bipolar for years where the hospital seems to be my second home.. recently out of an abusive relationship where I impulsively chose to pick up and leave my home, my family and my everything all of a sudden to move in with my ex 1000 kilometres away with her parents... that’s the extent of how my mania gets along with episodes of psychosis. + + +Recently I’ve been looking for work and I found what I thought would be a great job at a health food store, I aced the interview and trial then came the first day... + +I went in full of smiles and just my best to be positive as I’ve been in a big low lately then all of a sudden I get there and I’m handed the most ridiculous jobs and well all they would do is put me down and make me feel like I’m absolute f*ckin trash. Now I don’t know if it’s because of my arm which they all saw (covered in scars) or if it was because I chose to not go to college (year 11 and 12) when they’re all university graduates or students.. I don’t know but they were horrible and I was pretty much in tears for my whole lunch break.. I’m a fragile bloke when I’m going threw a low is all I can say.. + +Anyways I got home having a huge anxiety attack so stressed I could feel my impulsiveness and psychotic symptoms coming out.. so I sat down, chain smoked till I couldn’t breathe and sent my boss an email full of excuses trying to make myself sound normal about quitting after 1 day.. I had to quit I really did if I had thrown myself into that job it would of sent me right back to my lowest low.. the thing is while I got the job I was experiencing a manic episode where I talked myself up Beyond imagninable and asked for 40+ hours a week knowing I couldn’t handle it but that’s just the kind of stuff I do... + + +So that’s my little rant of today’s horrible events :/ if you were able to actually read it all then well thank you and send me a message if you wanna chat.. I feel extremely guilty right now but any support I can get would really help.. + +Thanks ",Bipolar +45612,"How can I tell if it's just anxiety, or hypomania/mania? I already have tons of anxiety about facing things in my everyday life. But I feel this agitation, this growing desperation, and neediness that I can't shake. It's sort of eating me alive, and it feels like anxiety, but I don't even know why I'm anxious, and it doesn't go away. It just builds in me, and I keep trying to distract myself. It's not as if it's triggered by something specific, it's just there constantly in the background. I also have zero appetite and don't feel tired unless I take a lot of sedative supplements, but that isn't so abnormal because my eating and sleeping can be all over the place at the best of times. Anyway, it just feels bad and I want it to go away, and it won't.",Bipolar +45613,"Depression, Bipolar 2,Crohns, ADHD, half deaf and autism i dont know.... Iknow that you are not supposed to ”be” your diagnoses and that they are part of you in some way. I have gotten all of these diagnoses one after another , i barely made it in to university and after 2 years with only 3 years left of my teachers edc i got worse and i cant work But i have to otherwise i will starve and freeze to death. I have No Idea How to get help... i have been to the hospital and all of that but the other thing triggers the other and i really dont know.... the doctors says that i dont seem to sick and that i have a very broad understanding of my situation But i feel like giving up. Im so lonley you guys and Im happy that we are ”lonley ” togheter ... i should feel more greatful about the free healthcare here tho so i dont know... so many thoughts and energy But Im hungry But i had to puke and my stomache hurts.. feels like that my body gave up and that my sane/insane side is having the worst fight in my head aswell .... + +",Bipolar +45614,"Employer prying I have told my new job that I have a chronic health condition, but it is under control with medication and specialists. The manager/owner is REALLY pushing trying to find out what it is. I know legally I do not have to disclose, but this is starting to get uncomfortable. How can I politely and professionally get this to stop? Note there isn’t really an option for HR to step in.",Bipolar +45615,"Weird behavior I've been sleeping at weird hours, have not left the apartment or done any work in days and days, and am obsessively fantasizing about having someone come save me. I think the way it's manifesting must also have something to do with my daddy issues. + +It's all just a bit of a mess really.",Bipolar +45616,"WarningIs this a Manic Episode? [Please HELP] [x-post /r/bipolar] I've been diagnosed with bipolar by three different psychiatrists. I kept asking for different opinions because I thought I was ""simply"" afflicted with major depression (on and off, for about a decade!). + +I've finally accepted the diagnosis and started the treatment, but the pills that the doctor prescribed are exclusively to treat symptoms of depression in patients with bipolar disease (Lamictal). + +For the past 5 days, however, I've been experiencing something **very** different: + +* Some of my thoughts seem foreign to me, in the sense that I **know** they don't make sense, but I am still drawn to/consumed by them. + +* I do and say things that are completely outrageous. Even though I am perfectly aware that they are outrageous, I somehow can't stop myself. + +* It's very easy to trigger my irritability. I am screaming loudly and aggressively, and using profanity at the slightest of provocations. + +* I am vicariously living some fantasies. When I say vicariously, I mean that I am having extreme reactions of nostalgia over things that never happened (fake memories). It's strange in the sense that I **know** they are fake but, at the same time, I believe them? + +My head is a big mess. I don't have any answers. When I'm depressed, none of this happens. + +Right now, I feel like I have more than one person inside my head. There is the rational side, the side that is aware that something is off, the side that is writing this. And then there is the unbalanced side, the side that is causing all this havoc. + +The only thing that seems to help is to go clubbing, or to a place with a lot of noise. It somehow makes my thoughts more clear and leaves me more relaxed (even without the help of alcohol). + +Has anyone experienced any of these things? I am scared, but I end up driving away everyone that tries to offer their help. ",Bipolar +45617,"Happiness I feel like there's been a lot of posts on here lately about people fearing that happiness or stability will turn into hypomania. This made me think about how much it sucks that people with bipolar have to approach happiness in ways that others don't. + +For the first time in years, a bunch of positive stuff is coming together for me: I'm (for the moment) financially secure, my job is challenging but not overwhelming, I have the chance to work on a really cool project, the weather is nice (where I am), I've been running again and signed up for a race, and after careful tapering, I'm down to my lowest daily dose of Klonopin in 9 years. + +For someone without bipolar, it would be obvious that this combination of things would make someone happy, and you wouldn't question that this is a great thing! But since I have bipolar, I'm already like: am I happy or am I *too* happy? + +It just seems kinda unfair that we can't just be happy when nice stuff happens to us. People with unipolar depression who begin to feel less depressed have nothing to fear (unless their SSRIs make them manic and turn into one of us, mwahahaha). People who have anxiety and become less anxious--great! People with bipolar who finally reach a balance...nope! Better be on the watch for hypomania! + +It just seems like we're not allowed to enjoy being happy....",Bipolar +45618,"What normally happens in your mania? Hi, +I was just wondering what mania feels like to you and what you do in the episode. No other reason except interest. + +Thanks",Bipolar +45619,"Anyone else have detrimental avoidance issues? For example: My gas got turned off. I've been avoiding opening bills because I can't pay them. I didn't realize it had been long enough that it was going to be shut off. If I had I might have been able to prevent it. + +I find there is a pattern of extreme avoidance in my life. Especially when I'm depressed which is the majority of the time. I have countless examples of things that have been blown out of proportion by my avoidance. I know stuff doesn't just go away but I can't seem to handle anything anymore. Then it snowballs until something like this happens.",Bipolar +45620,Recently Diagnosed I recently diagnosed with BipolarII & PTSD.. The PTSD I know when/how it got to that point.. but the Bipolar.. have I always been that way and never noticed? Thinking back I can't really pinpoint when I started acting this way because it seems like it was always normal?,Bipolar +45621,"Always worried now I recently decided to take a class in college and I am always worried that even though I am studying and retaining well, I am worried I will fail an upcoming exam.... + +I worry about money all the time. I worry about if someone likes me or not. The list goes on and on really... + +I have always been a worrier and I want to get out of the habit of continuously worrying so much. On saphris, I tend to not worry but sometimes I do. It gets overwhelming at times... + + Does anyone have any suggestions on how to manage this constantly worried feeling?",Bipolar +45622,"Mania I often see people (on here/other mental health subreddits) expressing happiness when they say they were manic or had a manic episode. + +But I hate it. My mania is the thing that makes me want to get a knife out and slide across my neck. I have no control over myself. I develop tremors and can't stop moving. I want to smash things. Get a hammer and put holes in my walls and through the windshield of my car. I can't even set down to write a whole email. I'll type a few words, then go and walk or spas out, then come back and do it all again. + +I've gotten manic while driving before or felt it come on, and one of the only things that helps at the time is to stick a knife in my leg. Not inside my leg, but just putting the tip on my flesh and putting just enough pressure to focus on the pain instead of mania. + +I have an anxiety med that works to help (Klonopin) but taking my max dosage doesn't always help. my max is 4mg, but I've taken up to 20mg before. + +When I'm manic is the time when I cry the most. + + + + +*Thank you for reading my rant. I apologize if it's a bit of a ramble in some parts. Hopefully, it's clear enough, though.*",Bipolar +45623,"(Canada) How do you guys feel about #BellLetsTalk week this week? I hate it so much. +Great idea, raising money every year but oh my god is it just an excuse for everyone to beg for attention about their struggles. The focus should be on awareness of mental health and illness. not on Jenny, a 17 year old girl with anxiety and depression who wants to one up everyone's amount of hospital stays and suicide attempts in a 2 paragraph long post that never talks about anyone else but herself. +Plus no one ever raises awareness for anything except depression and anxiety and it drives me nuts! +Oh man, sorry I'm annoyed, what do you guys think? ",Bipolar +45624,"Antipsychotics and stimulants? Hello, hi. I was recently prescribed Modafinil to take with my current combo of meds (rexulti,trileptal, vybriid) and I’ve started to get frustrated at the lack of effects from the Modafinil which I assume is because of the rexulti (dopamine antagonist). Has anyone else felt like their stimulants don’t work because of atypical antipsychotic? and have been able to do something about it? I think I’m going to try and convince my psych to let me taper off the rexulti and increase the trileptal. Does anyone know if trileptal is also a dopamine antagonist? I’m so frustrated!! Maybe rexulti is the reason I can’t study in the first place. Gimme back my dopamine ",Bipolar +45625,"Lamictal SJS do i go to the hospital Took meds includes seroquel +200mg lamictal +Throat is red and slightly swollen yellow toung and rash/chafing on my arm +What do i do? Do i go to the hospital?",Bipolar +45626,"Anyone else have trouble consistently taking their meds? Just last year, while in jail actually, after coming down from a manic episode and then spiraling further into the latter, I was finally confronted again with my type 1 bipolar diagnosis. I was lit back on my meds, (depakote ER, trazadone, gabapentin and prasosin) and stayed on them until being transferred to a rehab facility (as a result of trauma, undiagnosed/misdiagnosed bipolar I developed a really shitty and extreme addiction issues) where they were ""hostilic"" and took me off my meds. One manic episode in and they made a exception for that rule quickly....lol. after that, and making a ""timeline"" of my relapses, and it being made clear as day that taking my meds, for me, is a matter of life and death because of my addiction, I stayed on them, and stable for a few months. I had a slip where I stopped taking my meds, went manic after a week, relapsed, but was able to catch myself before everything went to shit...but again a few months later the same thing happened, I wasn't so lucky, and have been stuck in another relapse for a few months and self medicating. +I now find myself very aware I need my meds. J talked to my therapist today who essentially told me that I need to accept my diagnosis, and that I need to take my meds if I want to succeed, based on all the past times I've tried anything otherwise. I've had intentions of calling my psych doctor, I plan to, but I'll pick up the phone and put it down. Or procrastinate it. When manic I'll say that it will keep me from fulfilling my purpose or ""take away"" my ability to ""feel fully"" and ""see the future"". I KNOW I need to. I plan on calling first thing tomorrow for the first possible appointment. I want to get better. But I won't stop fucking myself over. + +Does anyone else have this issue? Or can relate? I'm just now starting to realize I'm not crazy, or alone, and it's in fact my bipolar that's effecting my life like this. And I would appreciate anyone who has similar issue's input on this. + +This is my first post here.. sorry for the wall of text and I hope it meets all the community guidelines. Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far.",Bipolar +45627,"how important is it to take your meds at the same times? if you take your meds a few hours off everyday how much can that mess with your moods? + +1200mg lithium daily: +300mgx2 taken between 6-10am +300mgx2 taken between 5-9pm + + +",Bipolar +45628,"When do you guys go to the hospital? I know I'm not actually a danger to myself, but I'm so numb and painfully bored and have less than zero motivation, I don't want to do anything at all so I'm laying in bed wanting to die. + +The hospital obviously seems excessive but I'm just so tired of feeling this way and I was wondering at what point have you guys checked yourself in?",Bipolar +45629,"Can just Lithium be enough to handle bipolar disorder? Seen many people using multiple meds, now I havent actually heard of someone using ONLY Lithium. Why? Are here people who use only one single med?",Bipolar +45630,"Lithium day 3, placebo? Day 3 of Lithium. I’m at 300mg twice daily. Feeling very good. I don’t feel like I have little “mood threads” hanging off me that can get snagged on stuff and unravel my mind. + +Could I be feeling it this soon? I also discontinued Lexapro yesterday, I could also be feeling good now that I’m off the Lex, I suppose.",Bipolar +45631,"contemplation I'm sitting here in my trailer (I'm living at a ski resort at the moment for my job). It should be my dream job but I feel so empty and alone.. even when I'm with people. I have been manic for the past 6 months and it was beautiful (except for the intermittent psychosis ofc). But fuck I want to be psychotic.. it's certainly better than this. I've just taken an oxycodone, adderall.. drinking a beer.. I cut again night before last and i've even found my non dull razors.. I feel nothing and yet everything at the same time.. I feel so fucking dramatic right now but I figured if anyone could understand it would be other people like me. Idk why I think being psychotic would be better than this but I guess it's because im confident. My hallucinations and delusions ARE real... I don;t feel real right now. I feel like a bag of bones (hence why I want to cut into it). idk what to fucking do but is anyone else struggling to keep their grip on reality.. but secretly just wants to fall head-first into it. I hate my illness, but the symptoms and coping skills (albeit harmful and self destructive) i've come to know and love over the years of having this illness, just seem so appealing and comforting to me rn. thanks for your time. ",Bipolar +45632,"Bipolar II and PTSD..No meds, Sometimes I feel i'm losing it.. Yeah so I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar II and Social Anxiety 3 years ago along with some other anti-socialism diagnoses. anyways... I started getting therapy 3 years ago which is when I got mental health help for the first time in my life, I got put on meds and I had therapy once a week. Didnt get better, meds just kinda made everything worse they only took away my hallucinations and made me sleep. After being on crisis for like 2 years straight which includes several suicide attempts and going to the hospital several times while having a daughter and being married..yeah it was shit. One time I decided to quit everything that includes therapy and all meds, I just started smoking a shit ton of weed and while its been working good for about a year and a half now but then there's these times when i cant control my mood swings specially when im going through the bad days, I almost feel like im losing the battle..I dont even know why im doing this..I dont care if no one reads it somehow feels good...",Bipolar +45633,"International health insurance? I know this may be a long shot, but I’m moving abroad this summer and am shopping around for an international health insurance plan that will cover my psychiatric medications and a few psychiatrist visits a year. Does anyone have experience with this? My work doesn’t provide expat insurance and I’ll be primarily getting my healthcare in South Africa (but I’ll be living in Madagascar). +I’m pretty sure I qualify as having a pre-existing condition but I haven’t been in the hospital for three years, and I’ve had consistent coverage for at least the last five years. ",Bipolar +45634,"I Found What I Was Looking For I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in April 2012. I've struggled with the illness since I was twelve-years-old, and initially I was diagnosed with unipolar depression. I've been hospitalized more than ten times. I've been suicidal countless times. Without my medication I experience so many manic breakdowns-breakdowns that are terrifying. + +I came to terms with my illness in October 2016, after losing someone that I love with all my heart. When this person severed our relationship, I realized that I needed my medication to make the paranoia, the delusions, and the recklessness go away. It was through this loss that I saw the light. + +But, it was as of recently that I realized the way I treated people and myself, and my perspective in life was also unacceptable. I have a strong support network, but I disclosed everything under the sun to anyone who would listen which is not good for anyone's self-esteem. +I was the proverbial empty barrel that made noise-all the contents of my barrel would spill out into the ocean that is life. I was unable to love myself, so I sought that love in others. I revealed everything about myself in the hope that someone else could soothe my pain, only to scare away people that just wanted a healthy relationship with me. I am sharing my story because medication saved me from the mania, but it was mindfulness that saved me from myself. + +I realized all the love I need is within myself, and that I don't need to turn to others to soothe my emotions when meditation coupled with medication can lead one to find the peace and bliss we are all looking for. +",Bipolar +45635,"Everybody asks this When do I go to the hospital? How many times have I seen people ask that question? + +I've counted all the pills in my ""treasure chest"" but not sure I like any of the potentially lethal combos. I've gone on the darknet markets to see what I can get, but my drugs of choice are hard to come by. I'm not sold on more physically violent methods. I live alone so nobody would stop me. + +I've started writing a kind of philosophical paper to explain (mostly to my parents) why I think suicide is a reasonable option. I've drafted my will and had it witnessed. I've been writing my suicide letter in my head for weeks. + +Still, if I do it, it won't be tomorrow. Maybe I won't do it at all. Probably not. Do I just wait for my next pdoc appt? What do I say to her when I see her?",Bipolar +45636,Zyprexa withdrawal. I wasn't able to get a ride to an appointment to refill my meds so now I'm going to be without my zyprexa until next week. Does anybody have any experience with withdrawal effects? What should I expect? I was taking 15mg daily. ,Bipolar +45637,"Tapering/stoping seroquel any advice from tapering seroquel? +tips and what to do? +warnings etc + +seroquel stories? + +Thank you",Bipolar +45638,"Bipolar and stimming? Hello everyone! + +It is suspected that I am on the Bipolar spectrum. For most of my life however I have participated in behavior such as rocking and hand wringing. I am not on the autism spectrum, which is what stimming is usually associated with. Can stimming be a bipolar symptom?",Bipolar +45639,"Mania comedown? I've been Hypomanic the past 2 weeks or so. I was still getting a good 3-4 hours of sleep. + +But starting Wednesday, it morphed into something else entirely. I was up for nearly 4 days straight, wrote ~10,000, set up an investment portfolio, bought way too many CDs and audio books, and felt fine until around dinner time yesterday. + +My girlfriend came over and pleaded with me to sleep. I really didn't want to, but she threatened to call the police on me if I didn't. She said I was a danger to myself. I see that now (walking through traffic, trying to juggle knives because I thought it was funny, etc.) + +She had be take a bar and a half of Xanax with two tablets of unisom, and I slept for 17 hours. + +Now I feel like absolute shit. I don't wanna get out of bed. My head's throbbing. I need to shower, eat, and drink some coffee but that would mean being around people (I live in a dorm) and just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. + +This is a rant more than anything. My gf said she'd bring me a sandwich and coffee when she gets off. But I'm not looking forward to seeing her. She must be pretty fed up w me after what happened. I feel like such a piece of shit.",Bipolar +45640,"How did you out your illness to your family? (xpost Bipolar). Newly diagnosed, have told a few friends, not sure how, or if to tell my parents. I reached out via email for help when I first thought i had problems about a decade ago, they never responded, that hurt like heck. + +So now, I'm in the middle of being handed the keys to the family business, and I've just been diagnosed, started medication, talk therapy starting soon, things are actually looking up for the first time in a bloody long time, but I know that if the discussion goes poorly, I'll probably handle it poorly. + +I thought about first asking them to watch 'The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive', but that's bloody long. + +What did other people do, how did it go? + +Also, side note, why is there Bipolar & BipolarReddit? they seem pretty similar, but the former has more subscribers, presumably many the same?",Bipolar +45641,"Anybody else unable to focus on things/bored while depressed? I'm really frustrated with myself. I used to be able to focus on a book or a video game or a TV show for hours on end. I used to be able to finish long books in one sitting. But then my mood cycled right back into depression and I can barely do anything or focus on anything. If I'm watching TV, I have to bounce from one thing to another on my phone; can't focus on the TV show. If I read a book, I can't even finish the chapter, even if they are short. If I play a video game, maybe I'm lucky and I play for an hour but mostly it's less than 15 minutes and I'm done. + +I was feeling so good a few weeks ago and I was able to pay attention to things but then my mood shifted again. Sometimes I wish for hypomania so I can get things done. Anybody else experience this? What helps you?",Bipolar +45642,"I’m falling deep into this hole.. After what I believe has been a 9 month of having an elevated mood... I’m crashing so hard right now. I haven’t smoked in 7 years and here I am, smoking again. I have no will to keep going. I can’t stop all this destructive behavior. I want to OD so bad. I want to die. I want to sleep and not wake up. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to have a point. There’s no rhyme or reason in this life and I just want it to all stop.. I can’t keep having this happen. Even when I’m hypomanic, I still hate myself when I realize how crazy I was being... my husband just sees it as me going through an episode again... just shrugs his shoulders and tells me it will get better. It’s never going to get better. I’m going to keep cycling through this shit all my life. Up and down and up and down. Fuck. ",Bipolar +45643,"Punctilious I started a whole Facebook thread as a result of being enamored by this word yesterday evening. For those with bipolar, are we so impaled on beauty (as Holden Caulfield) that we can be paralyzed by the necessary bureaucratic minutiae that is punctiliously demanded of us in society?",Bipolar +45644,Ringing in ears Just wondering if anyone else has a constant ringing in their ears? I have bipolar ll and was wondering if this is common. ,Bipolar +45645,"I'm lost I've been using alot of drugs, been off my meds for a couple days now. Using coke dope weed pills if I could. Beer and liqour. And I'm pushing my family away half the time i wanna die. I have no savings behind by 2 grand in bills but I just want to say fuck it. Get a bunch of pills and do it in. But I have a 4month boy and 5 yo girl. I really don't know what I want but I really just want to be happy. I don't know what's wrong with me....",Bipolar +45646,"Just got my med approved my insurance Some of you know that I've been on saphris and lithium for the past year with really, really good results. I've never felt this stable in my life. My insurance company sent me a letter late last week saying they would no longer cover saphris and I'd have to try a small list of acceptable APs... most of which I've tried, the last of which wouldn't work for other reasons. After several days of phone tag with my doctor and two pharmacies she was able to get a hold of my insurance... and convince them I'm their client (seriously?), and she just called me back to say it's been authorized. I can stay on saphris. + +I had given up. I was already thinking of the worst case situation and let's be honest, kinda freaking out. I'm just posting this because I want to give hope to anyone who is in the same situation and I want to remind all of you to freak it *if* the worst comes to pass, not *in case* the worst comes to pass. Anxiety is a bitch, and I'll probably struggle with it for the rest of my life, but I can also choose to counter my anxiety with rational, positive thoughts. I can re-frame the situation. I don't need to be a slave to my own worst case thinking. + +Has anyone been able to get psych meds specially approved? Just curious about your experience. +",Bipolar +45647,"My Bipolar Anthem & Fight Song This song has been close to my heart and brain lately. I discovered it a couple of months ago and it still sometimes brings me to tears. Sometimes it firms my resolve to keep fighting. But most of all it makes me feel like I'm not alone in my struggle. + +I think everyone with Bipolar disorder owes it to themselves to listen to this song. It doesn't trivialize the disorder, its a heartfelt expression of what it means to suffer from Bipolar disorder and how to fight it when you don't think you have the strength to keep moving. + +It's ""A Better Son/Daughter"" by Rilo Kiley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE + +Do any of you have a ""Bipolar Song?""",Bipolar +45648,"Does anyone else feel like there should be a childhood bi-polar diagnosis? I read a lot of posts and stories online, and I think about myself and so many of us seem to have had symptoms early in our lives. I get that doctors don't want to give a diagnosis like that at such young ages for a lot of reasons, but I feel like it would've helped me a lot. Does anyone else feel upset that they didn't get a diagnosis soon enough almost? Do you think an earlier diagnosis would've helped you manage easier or change some part of your treatment/outcome?",Bipolar +45649,Latuda and akathisia My Latuda got up to 120 mg a few days ago and I'm suffering from terrible agitation and I can't stop moving my feet up and down. Is this akathisia? And will this side effect go away or do I have to treat it with propranolol or something?,Bipolar +45650,"A Letter to Me The following is a letter I have written to myself to help me battle intense depression. I write this and add to it when I'm coming from a much better place. If there is one positive thing that has come from this illness it is that the wild variance in mood has helped me gain perspective. + +Dear _______, + +Here you are again. You've been dragged kicking and screaming into the darkness, the abyss, the place where there is only one way out. You barely eat, lie in bed all day but hardly sleep. Ordinary tasks have become insurmountable. Even your bed to which you have been bound is no safe haven. Ideation and contemplation have reared their ugly heads. + +Clear your mind of these terrible thoughts for now. Remember that you have been here before. Don't forget what you have learned. Depression is not your enemy! You are mistaken. This immense weight you carry with you, though debilitating now, is a blessing in disguise. It is a badge of honor, a shield that covers you from head to toe. Take comfort in the fact that you can persevere and survive this as you have done before. And when you leave this place, don't forget to take the shield with you. With it you will find peace in knowing that you withstand anything, because you have been to the worst place imaginable... and survived to write this.",Bipolar +45651,"Lithium: How has it affected your creativity and sexual prowess? Not sure whether I should switch medicines. I don’t feel as creative. I don’t feel excited about life, but this seems to be getting better. I feel slow in my head or like something is fuzzy. I also noticed my erections are not as firm, nor as easy to achieve and maintain. Similar to when I was on abilify, I noticed the length of my erections are shorter too. Is there anyway around this? The therapist suggested asking for Wellbutrin. ",Bipolar +45652,"Hypomanic phases+hypersexuality=social suicide *disclaimer: I understand that this post is insanely long but I feel condensing it will dilute its message. Some of this is unrelated to my bipolar II but it still plays a central role in my issue so I felt this would be the best place to post this (plus I don't know where else to post). Little new here. I've been suffering from the symptoms of bipolar II along with social anxiety since my early teens so throughout middle/high school it crippled me socially. My rapid, awkward, all-over-the-place speech in my hypomanic phases and my mumbly, confused speech in depressive phases (if I even spoke at all) along with anxiety kept me from really connecting with anyone and i was never able (and still am not very able) to display my true self, something that crushes/depresses me to this day. It also SERIOUSLY held me back academically/athletically. I was a straight-A student with a promising competitive swimming career up until around 9th grade when my disorder had grown to an unmanageable level due to it going untreated, and it continued to for the rest of high school, with my relatively strict parents calling it bullshit at every turn and never getting me in any counseling or put on any meds until i dropped out of college at 18. Only then did they listen and see an issue. Knowing that I never realized my potential in any area of my life sends me flying into bouts of extreme depressive episodes in which I cry over what could have been and it can last days. I only thought I had depression at this point so I was misdiagnosed for another year. Now at 20 I am finally diagnosed properly and on a mood stablizier although it hasn't been particulary effective, and smoking weed and dropping acid probably doesn't help matters. But I must admit that my first couple trips allowed me to take inventory and understand that I've been bouncing between manic/depressive phases since childhood and that my issue quite possibly extends into sex addiction/hypersexuality. And it brought certain behaviors and memories to the surface that I wasn't willing to face and it's a big reason why I'm even here posting this (I DO NOT condone the use of LSD, especially for the people on this subreddit). Now we get to the main point that the title addresses (not sure if I had to give ya'll my life story first).Throughout my adolescent life a common theme has been my complete and utter lack of control of my sexual impulses, resulting in shameful behavior that I keep buried away from many: public masturbation. At the beach with a towel over me, in the nearest public bathroom and even IN CLASS. I knew it was disgusting as I was doing it, but simply HAD to get off constantly like some nympho. I could only dart to the bathroom throughout the day so many times (our monthly hall passes gave us a limited number of times to leave class). After reflecting, I feel that this urge was aggravated by a combination of my hypomanic phases (which involves being too horny) and my hypersexuality, bringing my sex drive to an INSANE level. If this is the case, then it would explain that behavior. It doesn't justify it, but it gives insight into how this happened. And teachers did NOTHING to address it. Unless the kid's autistic, I would have confronted me about it if I were in their shoes and it may have gotten me the help I needed sooner. Because they turned a blind eye, it continued to fester and get worse. I understand that it's not their job to counsel me but such extreme behavior warrants attention, I was very sick and nobody helped me. There is one exception, in which we were watching a movie in class a year after I discontinued my in-class meat-beating. A risque scene comes on, and my teacher promply says, ""Ok, settle down, John."" to which the class erupts into the most intense laughter I've ever heard that rings in my ears to this day. So if anything they made it worse. I quickly became known as that creepy kid that beat it in the back of class, bc, well.... I WAS that creepy kid that beat it in the back of class. I never stared at some chick's ass to set it off, mind you, if anything I blocked out the world to focus on my animalistic impulses. So if anyone wants to call me a gross creep, save it bc I'm already aware :( But this realization that it may not have been my fault, that I'm not a complete pervert really makes me feel better and could bring me at peace but I feel I cannot confirm it without getting some outside opinions and I don't want to go to anyone else (friends, family, etc.) other than my psychiatrist bc I'm so shameful of it and I fear they would look at me different for the rest of my life. I've just been hurting for such a long time and I'm desperate to get answers about this bc I'm too hung up on it and I likely will continue to be until I come to peace with it. + +Thanks",Bipolar +45653,Severe anxiety after being admitted and realeases...help!! I need help! I cant do this!its a continuous fullblown anxiety!!,Bipolar +45654,Need a bipolar friend Edit: thanks for all the kind words and support guys,Bipolar +45655,When medication is at therapeutic levels I get bad side effects Is there’s anyone else out there that finds when meds start to help with bipolar disorder bad sideeffects start? I literally can’t find a medication which I can function on AND manages my disorder. I’ve tried at least twelve drugs (iffy on the names of a few I was prescribed).,Bipolar +45656,"What's your long term medication plan? Do you plan to take meds indefinitely? I know this sub tends to be pretty pro-medication but the idea of being on them for life seems very daunting. + +It's that feeling they restrict / dumb down in some way, and are likely harmful in the long term. + +Like the idea of eventually tapering off and giving it a go, especially now off the non-legal psychoactives, which were the primary episode triggers.",Bipolar +45657,Teeny tiny white lies? As a rule I don’t lie to my girlfriend as I don’t think that’s a healthy thing for a relationship. However she’s going to be awake soon (it’s an LDR) and is going to message me asking how I slept - and if I tell her the truth that I’ve been up all night and haven’t taken my meds or eaten she’s just going to make a big deal out of it when it really isn’t. I feel the best I’ve felt in months today and I’m kinda scared she’ll ruin it; she’s a very clever lady and always knows how to get to me if I’m being non-compliant with meds or food. Is it really selfish of me to think like that when I would never lie to her about anything else? ,Bipolar +45658,"Lamictal / Pristiq / Wellbutrin - Bad Combination? Hey all - + +First, I am a male in my early 20s. + +I have been struggling to find the right mix of medication for me. I am not formally diagnosed with BP - my doctor classified it as depression at the beginning. + +My experiences with medications began about five years ago. I originally started with small doses of Pristiq (Desvenlafaxine) and Wellbutrin (Bupropion HCL XL). 50mg of Pristiq and 150mg of Bupropion. Still didn't feel 'right' so the doses got upped over the course of a year or two. I eventually was taking 450mg of Bupropion and 200mg of Pristiq. + +A year or so later, my doctor added Lamictal (Lamotrigene). Began at 50mg, went to 100mg, and eventually 200mg. At this same time, my doctor decreased my dosage of Pristiq. I was taking: 100mg Pristiq / 450 mg Bupropion / 200mg Lamictal. Lamictal seemingly helped the most out of all the drugs. I was not feeling extremely low ever (i.e. hurt myself). + +Looking back it seems like a whole lot of medications...did I really need all that? I began to feel suppressed. While I didn't experience extreme lows, their was not any highs either. It was just flatlined. My sex drive was also non-existent. I am in my early 20s + +After speaking with my Dr., we decided to lower some of my doses. He briefly told me what lowering the doses of each of my medications would do, and he gave me the liberty of experimenting a bit. I slowly trickled down to what I am currently on: 25mg of Pristiq / 150mg Bupropion / 200mg Lamictal. I do not feel as emotionally suppressed as I once was, nor do I feel extreme lows. Everything seems to be okay, aside from a few things. I know that life isn't perfect, and being 'happy' all the time isn't normal, but I do feel like I am missing some happiness in my life. Another major issue is my sex drive. It is still completely ruined and it is beginning to affect my life and overall well-being. + +I guess my questions are: + +* Was taking all three of those medicines at high doses a bad thing? (In other words, is my doctor not giving good advice?) Should I seek out a 'second opinion'? + +* Are there any ways to combat the sexual side effects that you have successfully utilized? + +* Should I consider talking with a doctor (my current Dr. or a new one) about changing things up, if so, do you have any personal experience that would lead you to suggest a specific change here? + + +Thank you for all of the help! If I am missing something in my post, or you need clarification, please let me know.",Bipolar +45659,"Mind and body is broken. If I have to spend one more day at my job I'm afraid I may turn violent. I'm in a really bad place. My meds are out of wack due to switching some stuff.. + +I really hate my office though. Even with a clear head, if such a thing exists.. + +I need something new to do, but I have no idea what. I'm afraid I'm too broken and under educated to find a new career. + +I'm 40. My legs and knees are shot. I have loads of impractical experience. + +I'm deathly afraid I'll kill myself. I'm just as afraid I won't. + +No one can be this sad and agitated all the fucking time, and im so tired of dealing with it alone. + +Thanks for listening. ",Bipolar +45660,"First week on Lamictal and it's giving me memory problems. Does it ever end? I started meds for the very first time last week and I'm really excited for the future. My doctor gave me Lamictal and it's great. I can tell its already working because I'm not getting extremely depressed or extremely manic, I feel balanced. But I'm getting really bad memory problems and it's to the point where I drive and forget where I'm going. + +Currently I'm taking one 25mg per day and tomorrow I will have to take two pills each day and work my way up until I have to take 100mg per day. I definitely love the effects but the side effects are frustrating. Has anyone had any experience with this? Did it ever go away?",Bipolar +45661,"Industrial Design for Bipolar stability I’m a student studying industrial design and currently working on a research project/designing a product that will help people with mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. I came here to get some more insight! +I was inspired by a severe manic episode my dad just experienced in December, and also by my own diagnosis of Bipolar 2. Essentially, I want to create a product that will maintain routine, promote stability, and possibly warn the user and their support group when intervention might be necessary. +I’ve been looking at wearable technology like Fitbit and smart watches, and also at mental wellness apps that track mood, sleep, etc. I’m moving towards creating a series of products, one wearable, one stationary light/clock/pill dispenser, and also an app. + +So, I have some questions! +Do you use any apps/technology to maintain routine or track your wellbeing? (Sleep, medication reminders, mood logs) Do you use it regularly? Why or why not? +What is your daily routine around taking your medication? +While manic or depressed, how would you react to technology advising you to reach out to family, your therapist, or you psychiatrist? How would you feel if it alerted them directly? +What is the most friendly way you could be reminded to take medication, maintain a sleep schedule, or reach out for help without feeling chastised? + +Any other comments and ideas would be much appreciated! Thank you! +",Bipolar +45662,"After 1 year with no job, I finally got one only to quit this morning after working half a shift. I’m so embarrassed. + +After over a year of hospital stays, manic episodes and what not, I finally felt well enough to apply for a job at a salon I have been going to and I was hired the same day! I was so proud and excited! I told my friends and family and my sister even took me out for drinks to celebrate. + +Then came Monday and it was just a training day. My anxiety got the best of me and didn’t sleep at all Sunday night but I think I did well on Monday except for a few times I think I talked way more than I should have and possibly said some stupid shit. So then I was scheduled to work again today. I haven’t slept this entire time, I’m manic and have had 3 panic attacks. I’m obviously not ready yet and I feel like such an asshole for even trying. I sent a stupid long text to the girl that hired me apologizing but basically saying I can’t do it. + +So I sit here typing this and crying my eyeballs out because I failed again and feel like I really am letting people down. Again. + +Setting up a therapy appointment as soon as they open this morning... + +Edit: I don’t think you guys will ever know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. I’m crying again but this time from thankfulness. ??",Bipolar +45663,Abilify Maintena So I'm currently on Abilify 30mg and I'm kind of interested in switching because I like the idea of just getting one shot every month instead of pills everyday. I was wondering if any of you have had experience with the injectable version? Was it good or terrible? Hopefully someone has some insight :) ,Bipolar +45664,"Meds Rollercoaster So I think I've been on pretty much all the antipsychotics now. Right now I'm on Latuda before it was Abilify before that it was Geodone. The list goes on. My libido has gone in the toilet the last year or so. My doc says could be the dopamine being suppressed. So now he's added Wellbutrin to the mix. It's been only one day but I've gotta say I'm getting really sick of these meds and the side effects. I really hope my sexdrive comes back. If it doesn't I think I may consider just white knuckling it and getting off all this crap. I've been on meds since 2001. Started with Risperdal. +Hate that crap. I swear my fingers got fat on that stuff. Has anyone been through this low libido stuff ? Is there any hope ? Has anyone been on an antipsychotic and had wellbutrin added to the mix ? What were the results. Looking for any kind of advice or input. Thanks +",Bipolar +45665,"I’m in a weird place, I think I always see people saying they like being hypo but I’m depressed right now and it’s kind of a relief. Although I’m sad for no reason, apathetic is probably more fitting, and I’m not eating and am just so tired all day and don’t really leave my bed.. I’m still keeping up with my hygiene which usually goes right out the door when I get depressed. But my mind is like on vacation. I haven’t changed a thing with my meds. I take them around the same time(s) every day. I have been crying a little bit more. For the longest time I didn’t cry at all. I might actually be sad about something. I mean I, for the most part, hate myself and my life, but that’s an everyday thing. Maybe my mind isn’t as “on vacation” as I thought. I’m just happy, for lack of a better word, to not be manic/hypo bc I’m starting to think that I get more mixed than anything. I’m possibly even mixed right now but on the more depressed side, if it “works” that way. I don’t think I’m making sense. Is it possible to be in an almost constant mixed episode but either lean manic or depressed? I thought I had a pretty descent grasp on “bipolar” but fuck idk",Bipolar +45666,Experiences with Topamax (topiramate) Hey all! I’ve recently added this medication to my routine. Just curious as to others experiences..any insight is greatly appreciated. ,Bipolar +45667,"Curbing Self Harm Urges? I relapsed a little bit in the depths of this depressive episode (and regretted it the second I did it) and I'm pretty determined to never do this again. I know I just have to keep working hard, but is there like a substitute activity that I can engage in when I feel like I need to hurt myself? I try to draw when I feel depressed, but sometimes it doesn't always work. + +Also, I've seen a call for communication here, and i would love to have some people who understand my situation to chat with, if that's a thing we're doing now.",Bipolar +45668,Tfw you go to work sick so you can save your sick days for depression Because any kind of sickness is more tolerable than depression when it gets bad. I feel guilty for being around others when I might be contagious but it's what I have to do.,Bipolar +45669,"We need to support one another. Seriously. I mean real, solid, ongoing support. + +This subreddit is amazing, and I thoroughly encourage the use of Skype or something more ""real"" to help heal and support one another. + +Since posting this, I have found the Skype group (see comments), and that is really helpful. Please join if you want to, and we can build an even greater community. + +Thanks, and all the best! ",Bipolar +45670,"Success or hypomania? Regardless things are FINALLY looking up. Today my psychiatrist released me! She saved my life several times and I saw her for 5 years but now I'm moving across the country and will need to find someone new. I thought she was going to change my medicine but she said I seemed too stable to make any changes with the move coming up and her not being able to observe me face to face anymore. Wow that felt good to not *need* to add another Med. She emphasized my progress and that I should find a doctor in my new area within the next three months but that she considered our time together a success because I became more and more stable as time went on. I walked out of that appointment on air. + +Feeling great. Feeling GREAT. Walked right into a tattoo parlor and spontaneously got another piercing. Next door was a record store so I spent 100$ on vinyl. I'm hoping I'm just treating myself instead of ramping up to hypomania. + +I finally graduated college in December after a whole year of stability and things are truly looking up for me for the first time since 2011. Just wanted to stop in to brag a little bit (sorry) but mostly remind you beautiful humans that stability and success are possible! Just keep trucking! I'm so glad I didn't give up and end my life before the good part started. Love and light to all of you. Thanks for your support along the way I love this community. ",Bipolar +45671,"Psychosis triggerd by bodytherapy Hi Guys, + +I have had a psychotic episode 2x. In between my recovering fases I noticed that massage therapy was a trigger for me too sliding back and loosing it. After I noticed it the second time I called up some masseuse therapists and came to find out: They have a contra-indication for massages. Meaning they dont do massage therapy on people who have psychiatric problems. The reason being that massaging the body does something to the mind. It can release emotions that are ""stuck"" in your body and these emotions can trigger you. + +That was really a bummer for me because whenever I was stressed and needed relaxation I would take a massage. + +I have been looking into things like: Meditation, Reiki, Breath therapy and Bio energetica. But often their is a contra -indication. + +I wanted to know if any of you also feel their is a body mind connection? And that things that happen to your body can be a trigger. Would love to hear experiences. I would do anything to stay stable & healthy. But I need to find a way how to cope with stress and how to relax my body in a way it wont be triggered.",Bipolar +45672,"Welp, back to being alone for a while Broke up with the gf. It was mutual, went the best way it really could have. We just are different people, and we live different lives. + + It hurts but it's the loneliness that going to hurt the most I suppose. It took me a long ass time to find someone (8 years). And finding someone else isn't going to be super easy, I just work and stay home most of the time. + + So, time to inner reflect. Back to finding me. It's actually kind nice being by myself, but it's when it stops being nice is when it gets to be a problem. Wish me luck. ",Bipolar +45673,"Some tips to save $$ on Latuda I keep seeing a ton of posts about how expensive Latuda is for people and of course many posts about how helpful it has been. I must say for myself it has been helpful with the depression but its certainly not a fix all for me. So with that I wanted to share some tips of what I have encountered along the way with trying to afford and stay on this medication. There are some options or relief available. Not sure I'd call them solutions but instead kind of band-aids. Ultimately it wont get better until generics come out but from what I have read it doesn't look like the patent will run out till like 2026 or thereabouts. + + + +1. When you get the script from the doc make sure to ask about samples if they are not provided first off. I got lucky and I have to say I was on this med for probably a good 3 months just on samples alone. Perhaps my practice is a bit more forgiving on that front. I told them I had problems with getting the cost (which I did) so they gave me more samples to hold me over till payday. There were also times I ran out before the pharmacy could get an order in, and in which case they gave me samples to hold me over till I could get filled. + + +2. Get the discount card!!! It says pay as little as $15 which for me brought my cost down to $150. Not great but far less than what it was. [Latuda copay Assistant](https://secure.latuda.com/secure/latuda-savings.cfm) + + +3. Check if you have a preauthorization requirement for this drug. Unfortunately this might require you to call your insurance company directly. Some pharmacies might be able to tell you if its required. For me if my pdoc didnt submit a preauthorization the cost for me was near retail which is about $1300/US. + + +4. Check if you have a prescription deductible. I did and at the beginning of every year it renews. So I was surprised to find that my drug I was getting for $150 was now ringing up at $400. Sadly the only way past this is to pay it. But once paid, my cost was back down. + + +5. McKesson the company that provides the discount card will also provide you with two 14day supplies of latuda at no cost. That is right, **FREE**. Just today I got my second free 14day supply of latuda. Call them up at 1-855-5-LATUDA and you can speak to a rep to get this. They will provide you with the info that is used the same as another discount card. + + +6. Lastly I was told of another option they have available where they will supposedly try to negotiate a lower cost with the insurance company. I'm not sure what kind of success rate there is with this as I have not yet attempted to go this route. This will be my last ditch effort before telling doc its too much and have to find something else. In order to do this you would call the same number above 1-855-5-LATUDA and inquire talk to someone about what options are available and perhaps inquire specifically about negotiating how much the insurance cost/pay. I only found out about this one as my insurance is always rejected with the card so I called the card company to sort it out and was somehow transferred to a rep that informed me this is what her department did, before transferring me to another. + + +Anwyays, hope this helps some of you. The preauthorization and deductible points should apply to all medications and is something to consider. Its possible that the other solutions might work with other medications as well if they are cost prohibitive. + + +Edit: Looks like the patent does expire on July 2 2018. So perhaps there is hope for a generic sooner than later.",Bipolar +45674,"Fighting voices Sigh. I use this account strictly for mental health stuff. Anyway, I’ve been rediagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (am I still welcome here?!) and lately have been struggling to keep my head above water. It really is a constant battle. A struggle. A fight for mental clarity and - literally - mental quiet. + +Idk really. I’m appreciative of this sub, of this great community. But I often feel as if I’m a burden or major stain - at least that’s what I’m being told in my head by different voices. I want to beat this, though. Down but not out. I hope anyone reading who is experiencing the same sorta stuff or is really struggling that we can get on top of things. Keep on rocking, champions.",Bipolar +45675,"Manic or depressive affected decision? I accepted a marriage proposal and was so sure and excited about it until my mood calms and turns more to the depressive side. I am doubting myself so much! My relationship looks like a dream when I am in a good mood or manic, and then not when my mood goes to normal (?) (or normal- depressive) or depressive.",Bipolar +45676,"The Calm After the Storm A year and a half ago I had a long pyschotic episode followed by a BP diagnosis and several months of depression. I had to take a year off of college but I’ve now been back at school for almost a year. With everything that’s happened— the medications, the extreme emotion levels, the social isolation for an extended time— I’ve found myself at an interesting place. +Anyone else find themselves constantly having to maneuver through conversation just to avoid a long, intense topic about your past? Specifically related to your bipolar? + +-CH",Bipolar +45677,"roommate possible BP with Manic episodes? Long Story short, good friend of mine we were friends/roommates for 4 years on and off while we were in different states. He always seemed san while like everyone had his bugs. During few weeks when he used quiet a bit of LSD, some DMT he changed... +First couple days he was hyped up with some grandiose ideas.....from whats you would explain with ambitions up to thinking can control internet, has allergy for wifi and stuff like that.... After couple days of bad sleep, some weed it would get worse and come back again. At some point he would come up to me (fell asleep at tv) as says you and your dog have to go.... and one time i was able to explain him thats is was delusion... Another time he became violent and almost attacked me with a knife which is another story. +It seemed to calm down after that and even he acknowledged the irrationality of his behavior. +Today i was on the edge. He txted me and asked whether i saw hi wallet? Is looking in kitchen, replied - no, not here. To which he demanded that i look better and then said that i should go for a walk and find his wallet. I was tired of this shit and started getting dog for a walk, and putting shoes on. He became violent saying everything here is his and shit like that. Started grabbing dog, who started to bite him, to which he went manic saying - see he bites me, ill sue you for 1 mil $$ and again tries to take my shit away. I fought him off and went for a walk with dog, he followed me and started grabbing, attacking me to take my dog or what not. At that point we were 500 yards from house on street... he was saying like stop resisting you know what im capable off, there are cars driving beside - somebody can die.... at that point a moto -cop drove by and stopped, long story short they let us go. I didn't try to press charges.... but what can i do? Lately his sleep is better, but in 1 minute there can be a change in mood, and sometimes with delusional thought and all kind of stuff going on. I myself have been sleep depraved last 14 days... trying to manage my life... and his.... and im not a nanny. + I can't move out for another month or two? He himself doesn't have family here in states, but basically isn't self sustainable and im afraid of him being so unstable.... + + +Anything i can do? Do you think it sounds like he could be BP? Im thinking of contacting his parents for any advice... but as i said they are overseas. + +",Bipolar +45678,"Surgery tomorrow I’m having a day surgery tomorrow. It isn’t huge deal. What’s worrying me is that they’re putting me under and I’ve had a problem with emergence delirium in one form or another with all of my previous surgeries. It ranges from crying to flailing and trying to tear out my IV. + +I know that I should tell the PACU team that it has happened before... I just don’t want to. I’m terrified of waking up in restraints for obvious reasons. I figure I’m more likely to lose it if I wake up confused and then realize I’m strapped in. Chemical restraints aren’t easing my anxiety either. + +So, of course I’m trying to put it out of my mind. That said, my anxiety is so bad that my skin is tingling and I’m nauseous. I’ll decide what I want to do tomorrow. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it. What would ya’ll do? Warn someone ahead of time and risk the restraints or roll the dice and see if the ED stays at a minimum? + +",Bipolar +45679,"Started Trileptal. Any thoughts on how to manage side effects? Hi! I was recently diagnosed with bipolar. I was previously on Lamictal, but I got hives on my feet and elbows that started spreading. So, my psychiatrist changed me to Trileptal 300 mg morning and night. + +I was wondering, how do y'all deal with the side effects? What are the side effects you've experienced? + +I know that I should be thankful that mood stabilizers are working, but I really don't know how to cope with how tired I feel. And I'm afraid of the acne side effect. Skincare is one of the only hobbies I really enjoy and it makes me super sad that something that helps me feel stable could interfere with the hobbies I care about. ",Bipolar +45680,"Medicaid Work Requirement For those of you like me are in Kentucky, unable to work, and on Medicaid, I found this today, “For the sake of illustration, it is useful to look at the examples provided by Iowa Medicaid in its November 2013 final definition5 of medically frail which emphasized medical diagnoses and degrees of severity. For example, the definition specifies that individuals diagnosed with “psychotic disorder; schizophrenia; schizoaffective disorder; major depression; bipolar disorder; delusional disorder; or obsessive-compulsive disorder” will be considered as having disabling mental disorders” https://nationaldisabilitynavigator.org/ndnrc-materials/fact-sheets/fact-sheet-8/ + +Granted it’s Iowa’s definition, but we should be okay. ",Bipolar +45681,"I'm new to Seroquel. What can I expect? Hello, I am seeking some insight into the short and long-term affects of Seroquel. I'm being treated for anxiety, depression and mood swings following a traumatic brain injury to the front right forehead. Anyway, I saw (for the first time) a new doctor and she prescribed 50mg Seroquel to take at night for bipolar and to help me sleep. Well I cant say what its doing for bipolar but it is making me sleep like a rock. I mean knocks me completely out 0.5-1hr after taking it and then I'm sleeping for 10-12hrs before waking up or coming to at all. Is this a normal reaction to the early stages of starting this medicine or what? Thanks for taking the time to read this and double thanks for any replies. Life is Great.",Bipolar +45682,"I’m new I’m new to this subreddit but I’m very grateful to be here ! I’m 21, I got diagnosed as manic depression (type 2) in October. Previously I was missed diagnosed with depression and general anxiety. I’ve been on and off the same medication since I was 16. It’s currently not working so I’ve had to take a break again to try something new. I’m currently coming out of this depression part of my cycle. Usually the hypomania comes next because I’m so stressed out about how hard I fucked up whatever happened in the 3/4 weeks of depression. I struggle a lot with trying to cope self harm. I use to cut for almost two years when I was in high school, which was be main reason I got on medication to begin with. Throughout the years (16-21) I’ve gone on a few binders. When I was younger it was MDMA & alcohol, when I became older it was alcohol. But was all stopped by the fact that I was pregnant. My kids have been the only reason why I haven’t slipped back into drugs or alcohol. I’m currently in outpatient treatment, I guess you would call it that. I go see two doctors to talk and sort out my feelings and try and find a program fitting for me. This has been the hardest fight of my life. I thought this was over but after I had my son it creeped right back for revenge. I had him in 2016 and I’ve basically missed half of his life because I don’t remember from being so depressed or my anxiety. I’m in this place in my life now where I don’t even know where I am at everyday waking up. I feel like I don’t have a path anymore. I’ve lost focus in my career right now, I’m trying to pull myself back into this but I can’t. I’m mentally so exhausted I just feel useless. I fight so hard everyday to keep myself alive and calm, and then my two kids all alone. I choose to put myself here and I constantly wish I didn’t. I wish I could have given them a better start, or a better life currently. I have a job interview Wednesday, on Valentine’s Day. This is the first job I’ve gone to since October when I tried to kill myself. I left a job after one orientation because it was a trigger to me basically. I had to hold myself back from saying things, or doing things to this crazy woman who I found out lied about having cancer. I hold hope for this job, I hope this can change my routine into something healthy and I can actually enjoy going to work again. I miss life, I miss being able to enjoy life, I just miss me. ",Bipolar +45683,"My date told me: ""I can't pursue this because I am not capable of handling mood disorder. So sorry."" This was several days after a very nice meal was shared and it came up that one of her past boyfriends has bipolar and is/was an addict to a couple of things. + +I am not an addict and I felt that she unfairly lumped me in with him. + +It's no great loss as this was only the first date, and I suppose I should be glad that it ended as swiftly as it did. + +Just felt like getting that off my chest; thank you for reading.",Bipolar +45684,"My college is keeping tabs on me and it's making me anxious... I'm a business student at a local college. Last semester I found out, that one of my classmates or professors had anonymously reported me to the school for strange behavior of some kind (my meds give me hypoglycemia which can make me slur words or seem tired). + +Since getting that email, I've never had social anxiety so badly. It feels like I'm one careless comment away from a hospital stay. I dont know who reported me or even why. I suspect everyone but simultaneously feel like it's all in my imagination. I had to leave class today because I felt everybody's eyes on me. It feels like the well is poisoned. I'm not sure exactly what to do at this point. + +",Bipolar +45685,"Best jobs/majors for those with bipolar? Im so lost as to what I want career wise. + +Edit: right now I'm a Environmental Control major (HVAC). It's okay but I seem to overthink and zone out a lot in class so I'm in fear of not passing. ",Bipolar +45686,"Happiness or Anxiety or Hypomania? Hey fellow bipolar people! I have a question...how can you tell if you’re just in a really good mood or if you are going into hypomania? + +The two times I was manic I was having lots and lots of irritability and insomnia and a ton of anxiety. My doctor suggested those were manic episodes based on what I could remember. + +Now, whenever I’m feeling particularly good, I’m constantly worried that I’m not actually happy, but instead, hypomanic. + +For example, I had a good day at work. I got a project done and I got to socialize with my favorite people. Usually work can be a somewhat dramatic place, but those people were out today. I’m home now and I’m feeling good, as in not tired or socially exhausted, which is funny because I’m typically an introvert, but mostly around people I don’t know. + +I also have a tremor....which is usually a sign of anxiety or that I’m really hungry. Big anxiety attacks have resulting in my legs shaking uncontrollably. Can happiness cause anxiety? I don’t feel anxious that often around other people. Maybe I just have low blood sugar? + +I’m on Lamotrigine and Effexor and I take Hydroxyzine at night to sleep, if that makes a difference at all. I’ve been sleeping throughout the night this week, which I think is a good sign. + +Any thoughts? I’m going to ask my therapist too next week. ",Bipolar +45687,"Who is not excited about doing their taxes? I done messed up and said to my husband “Oh, dang, the government shut down again? I was going to do our taxes today. Darn.” Then he informed me it had already opened again. Dang it. My concentration is AWFUL right now. Short term memory isn’t great either. Hah, dug myself a hole. ",Bipolar +45688,"Body of an 80 year old ( joint pains why?) So on a cocktail of meds to keep me stable apparently trying to kill your self or thinking others/hallucinations are trying to kill you is not convenient for living. On lithium 250mg , quetiapin ( which can go burn in hell) 150mg and now most recently lamotragine 200mg (lamictal) grand less of a unstable mess , bar the mega weight gain it's going pretty well, but now I'm having sever joint pain, crunchy old lady joint pain, at first it thought I'd just wankered my legs doing a 15km run but now it's my knees elbows fingers ankles and hips. Anyone had this and is there an easy fix that isn't putting myself down. Small grimaces of pain every step I take is making people around me extra uncomfortable. +Thanks ?? + + +Seeing my doctor in 9 days but not going enjoy these 9 days ",Bipolar +45689,"Medicated Type 1: Hypomanic and scared. Help! Hey all, + +Diagnosed with type 1 after mania and hospitalization two years ago. Been on medication ever since. Settled into something about 6 months ago. Felt pretty stable, but I was triggered one week ago by a really stressful work event. Couldn’t tell if I was just normally stressed or if it was hypomania. Now, two weeks later, work settled down and I’m still experiencing the symptoms. + +I have three days until my next doctors appointment. What can I do? + +I really don’t want another full blown manic episode. + +Thanks for any advice.",Bipolar +45690,Weighted blanket I posted this in the anxiety and insomnia subreddit but I thought Id ask here. Anyone tried a weighted blanket to help with sleep or anxiety? Did it work?,Bipolar +45691,"Abilify maintena not covered by insurance? Advice please. Hello. I am trying to help a friend who has issues with regularly taking pills and therefore never manages to take them long enough for them to start working. Remembers a few days here and there only. + +I found out about ability maintena but it’s very expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it. Have the most expensive “platinum coverage” health insurance plan here in California. + +Do your insurance providers cover it? Did you have to go through a special process to get it covered? + +Any advice would be greatly appreciated. + +He can’t afford $2000 per injection, but really needs a monthly treatment since daily pill use has failed for years. ",Bipolar +45692,"Experiences with Lamictal and hypomania? Experiences getting off Lamictal? Hi! This is my first time posting here. If I may, do any of you have experiences with what I put in my title? + + +Here's some (not super necessary for answering my questions) background: + +I have a diagnosis of Bipolar type 2. While for many reasons I still believe this to be accurate, I've been questioning the role that Lamictal has played in my illness and diagnosis. + +While I had had many sort of hypo-hypomanic periods before, and had actually been diagnosed before at age 13, my first full blown, classically symptomatic hypomanic episode coincided with starting and then increasing my dose of Lamictal. This particular episode was used as a part of my diagnosis. (I started Lamictal due to a severe upswing in my depression and history of not responding to antidepressants.) The hypomania eventually faded back into my more typical depressions and general emotional static. This was then further complicated by the addition of other meds that I did not do well with at all. It's a bit of a tangle, so attempting to determine if there's any sort of clear chain of cause and effect is difficult. + +I've never had any other side effects, but I've also never really felt any steadier on Lamictal. Lithium is what eventually became a total godsend for me. + +All of this is to say that I don't know if Lamictal has actually done anything positive for me. Yet I've been kept on it ever since and I'm questioning if this is only because I haven't had any side effects to complain about. If this is true, is there really any point to continuing to take it long term? If I don't have to spend the money every month and continue to risk the known short term and unknown long term side effects, I'd rather not. + + + +So, has anyone else experienced hypomania that coincided with starting or increasing Lamictal? Has anyone gone through getting off of it? What is the process of doing that like? + +I am, of course, not going to change anything without talking to my pdoc. I'd just like to hear from some other people with personal insight. + +Thank you!",Bipolar +45693,"My [21f] Doctors Keep Suggesting Lithium Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on here but I just wanted to say I really love the support community in this subreddit. + +Before I go into my questions, here's a bit about my symptoms/meds: I'm diagnosed as Bipolar 1 with rapid cycling. My current doctor has me on a very high dose of Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and Seroquel. Nothing seems to be helping right now, the episodes are staying just as intense (and quick) and I feel like I can't get any relief. + +I wanted to ask all of you about your opinions on Lithium. I was seeing one psychiatrist for years that had asked about my opinion on Lithium and I said I didn't want to go on it. She dropped it after that and decided to raise my Lamictal. It helped temporarily. I ended up relocating kind of far away from her, so I decided to see a new doctor. She also asked me about going on Lithium, but I'm still really apprehensive. + +My concerns are centered around the fact that my grandmother actually suffered a Lithium overdose and she's never been the same since then. I'm so paranoid that that will happen. + +Has anyone with rapid cycling had success on Lithium? Does it really do the ""zombifying"" thing people talk about? The event with my grandma happened a few years ago, are doctors more cautious with the blood testing and everything now? + +TL;DR my doctors keep prescribing Lithium but I'm very apprehensive, has it been successful for other people with rapid cycling?",Bipolar +45694,"Does anyone else experience anger and frustration when your partner isn't taking the hint that you want to have sex? I by no means ever want to force someone into it if they don't want to, but I find myself becoming extremely frustrated when I'm giving some pretty clear hints without being forceful and he just isn't getting it. I'm not sure if it's the combination of sexual frustration and rejection or what but I become unreasonably angry. I don't say anything because I don't want to sound like an asshole but it's very frustrating. We only have sex once a week, sometimes not, yet we spend the whole weekend together almost every weekend. I can't help but take it personal. Why is my reaction anger? ",Bipolar +45695,"Bipolar and high IQ I don't like to advertise my IQ, generally my peers describe me as a genius on their own. Family is generally disappointed in me as I'm 'supposed' to be a multi-millionaire by now but I choose to work physical jobs. Made $200k at 19 years old and then I just... stopped, explored other avenues, particularly women. + +A hypomanic episode occurs about every 2 years and everytime it's like an 'upgrade'. It lasts about 5 months and everytime I shift my focus onto something new. I'm 26 now, survived 6 episodes, and the current focus is management... I am now an ENTP, previously an INFP, and originally an INTP. Bipolar is a double-edged sword, the best and worst thing. + +My job has helped a lot, paid for therapy and etc. They're used to it, a lot of people in logistics go nuts. But I'd really like to control this better. + +",Bipolar +45696,"Any advice on Lithium? I have been on various medications for the last twenty-something years. My latest combination is Fluoxetine, Bupropion, Resperidone and some lorazepam for anxiety attacks. I cycled back down into a depression a couple of weeks ago and it got bad enough that I went to see my psych doc. I told her I don’t like the resperidone because, although it works and stops me wanting to actively kill myself, it turns me into a complete zombie. She decided to try me on Litium, which is one of the things I have never tried in all these years. So far I have been on it for almost a week (so I haven’t had my blood work done to check the levels yet) but I am feeling no difference in mood or level of depression. +I’m just wondering what others’ experiences are with Lithium and what it feels like when it is working? +I have been off work for days now and I am wondering if I should take some risperidone just because i know it works fast.",Bipolar +45697,"Can lithium stop working? I am currently on lithium and lamictal. Lithium changed my life and I would never stop taking it. +Lately my mood has been dipping down and I've been thinking some troubling things. I don't want to end my life but it feels like my brain wants to. I have an amazing life with plenty of supportive family. I have two small children that I would never want to hurt by hurting myself. But the thoughts are there. Constantly now. I use all the DBT and CBT skills I have learned. +Part of me just wants to die and I don't know why. +How do you deal with this? I'm afraid to speak to anyone because it ends up in hospitalization. Has anyone else on lithium experienced this? It's been a god send of a drug and now I'm sad it'll stop working. I'm hoping it will just pass but it feels so deep. +Anyone else have experience or advice? I feel so lost.",Bipolar +45698,"Bipolar and shrooms Hi just last year I was diagnosed bipolar type II. I'm not really clear on my diagnose since I've never been on a manic state, my psychiatrist says I have hypomania. But the truth is that most of the time I'm really depressed. I get triggered by an ongoing relationship with a friend that used to be my boyfriend but now just see each other from time to time and have sex. We love each other but kind of in a friendly way. This new relationship dinamic that has been going on since December last year, has been a real struggle for me since I really don't want to loose his support and love and sex. It means a lot to me maybe the only thing that keeps me going on. Most of the times we don't talk during the week and I wait for him to talk to me, this makes me very sad and it triggers my depression. +Not long ago I decided that I wanted to do shrooms. 6 years ago I did them but I was naive and a fool, I did a very low dosage and I was a very different person from now, I didn't get very much insight. +Now I would like to consult with magic shrooms, 1 gram to start off. +Last year has been a rollercoaster for the meds. Right now I'm taking 250 mg of lamictal, topamax 25 mg 3 times a day, risperidal 0.5 mg and 200 mg of quietapine. +I'm really open to all suggestions, I'm hoping this can be an eye opening experience that will help me in the future, maybe help me being so dependant on relationships. +I'm thinking about doing this with a friend we would like to do it on a place with lots of nature. The first time I did it was on the woods and I was really happy and connected to the greenery of the forest. Please let me know your opinions + +Edit: please so that you may understand a little bit more about my relationship. I do not feel like I'm in a bad relationship. In fact we have a great dinamic and connection and we understand and love each other. We decided to stop labeling as girlfriend/boyfriend because right now it can bring so much stress in this period of our life's. It my case it was making me enter into a very dependant attitude and he was sucking up all of that energy and getting depressed too. So we decided to break up, stop seeing each other with the same frequency, start acting more like friends, and when we see each other indulge in sex as a natural and healthy activity and enjoy or spend some time together watching movie, hiking on the nature. So if you see we have been doing this maybe 2 months or so. We see each other every 2 weeks or 1 week. He tells me that this year's that he is focused on creating and expanding his work not really looking for a girlfriend and I do believe him so when he tells me this. I'm really on the same boat with this, I just got a good paying job, I'm painting, eating healthy, taking my meds, exercising a bit, sleeping on time. +He will be travelling on June maybe to Europe 3 months and it will be tough for me but I think that that time will be a deciding period for me to think things over. I will miss him very much but it will make me a tougher woman I'm 28 but sometimes I still feel like a little afraid girl. I'm still very positive that everything will turn all right and that even with him or without him I'm going to be okay. Today I woke up in a good mood. :)",Bipolar +45699,"Illusion of suppression Does anyone else seem to partially suppress their baseline mood? +I for example can go through the working week just about appearing 'normal' (with great difficulty) and have something as small as music set me off into the manic/depressive side, just to have it set off and start dictating things? ",Bipolar +45700,bought a new phone when I didn’t need one don’t know what I was thinking. Was going to get my perfectly functional iPhone SE some new accessories but ended up walking out of the store with a 6S instead :/ still don’t feel the pinch yet but im sure I’ll regret this later,Bipolar +45701,"Bipolar... pms.. pmdd?? What helps? It seems like I go through the worst time around the same time every month and it correlates with my cycle. I get really panicky, angry, paranoid, anxious, moody etc. I don’t want to take hormonal birth control because I smoke and I know it’s bad for you. Is there anything you do that you can suggest that helps with horrible moods during this time? It’s seriously horrible and borders on ruining my life once every month. + +Side notes: I’ve talked to my psychiatrist about it and she says to talk to my OBGYN, but I know all he will do is put me on the pill. +Currently I take 900mg lithium, 20mg lexapro, 3mg rexulti.",Bipolar +45702,"I think I am bipolar and was misdiagnosed with borderline... now what? (UK) Hello. + +To cut a very long story short, I believe I am bipolar, but have been misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My GP says this is likely, and that my treatment so far has been inappropriate because the crisis team are dismissive of people with personality disorders. So, she has referred me to see the entry-level people who gauge whether I can see a psychiatrist, with a view to be re-diagnosed. + +After that, I am worried about what will happen. I desperately want some treatment that will work for me, but I've found that BPD is a very ""sticky"" label and professionals often treat me like I am playing the system to try and get sympathy and as if what I say is unreliable. I am afraid of the psychiatrist thinking I am just shopping for a new diagnosis. Also I have run into a lot of problems in my health care from being diagnosed BPD, does anyone know if I can have that diagnosis removed if it's found to be incorrect? + +Anyone been through this? + +It's my first time here, so apologies if this post is not allowed, I don't think I saw anything in the rules that it violates, but I may have misread. + +Many thanks to anyone who comments.",Bipolar +45703,"Does lithium on its own relieve depression? Or is what I'm feeling the calm before the storm? I'm pretty scared I've been taking 900mg of lithium er daily since I was in the psych ward for a month, April 2017. Pretty soon after I was discharged, I was prescribed lithium, but not er. I had diarrhea every day, it felt like my body was rejecting it. I was still sorely depressed. Then in September I got to start extended release lithium. + +I gradually felt better, I got a job, I felt more like myself. Then this last week, I feel like I went through a period of hypomania. Probably relatively mild hypomania. I couldn't sleep without taking Seroquel, my head felt on edge, it sucked. Nothing about it was enjoyable. + +Right now it seems to have stopped, I feel something akin to normal. But I'm scared. Is this the calm before the storm? Is the lithium helping me? Or am I going to spiral back down into hell?",Bipolar +45704,"I can't stop eating granola! Since August I've been eating granola non stop. It's pretty much my only sustenance. I would go through a bag/box of granola in a day, easily. I feel like my teeth are about to fall out of my head. Anyone else obsessively eat the same thing over and over again?? ",Bipolar +45705,"I took a shower and it was glorious Since the beginning of December I've been struggling with a couple of manic episodes. As the month went on I noticed a spike in my anxiety, but it was around the holidays and I was able to get a handle on it for the most part with my Xanax prescription. After a negative experience with my father during the holidays, my anxiety only increased until by January I couldn't get a handle on it. It developed in to full blown paranoia. I was (and still somewhat am) convinced I was being watched, especially from the strip of woods behind my house. Every time my German Shepherd would let out a guard dog bark at the back door I would lose my shit. If I needed to go to the grocery store I would go either very early in the morning or very late at night when there would be virtually no one there. If I turned to go down and aisle and saw another person there, I was overcome with a sense of uncomfortable dread and would wait in hiding until I saw them leave the aisle and go elsewhere. + +This lasted me all of January and I shamefully only showered maybe two or three times from the beginning of December to the end of January. I kept my hair tied up and didn't brush it unless I was going to shower. My first shower since maybe all of January or at least the middle of it, and when I went to take my hair tie out it just kept getting more tangled. I had to have my fiancé cut it out of my hair, and when I tried to unwrap the bun it wasn't unwinding. I asked him to look at it and he was shocked and told me my hair was completely knotted together. Luckily he was able to untangle it without having to take scissors to it. And let me tell you, even with a detangler brush the layer of knots on top and underneath my hair were RUTHLESS. My hand cramped up during it and my eyes may have teared up a couple times but I got through it. Unfortunately, for the past week and a half I did not shower and did not brush my hair. Same results as far as my fiancé having to cut out another hair tie and unknot my hair, but that shower was HEAVENLY! I got the shampoo super lathery and just scrubbed every inch of my scalp. Then I let a deep conditioner sit while I washed my body and was able to do a second wash after I rinsed the conditioner and used my medicated body wash for my body acne (chest, back, and even upper arms!) I put all my products in my hair- about 8 totally I believe- and exfoliated my face and neck and put on a super moisturizing mask before doing my normal skincare routine. + +I'm going through a manic episode now, and was up all night but I was able to take a shower and get ready early enough to actually be on time for once since my best friend/Maid of Honor was coming over so we could go to my mom's and get my Save the Dates addressed and ready to finally send out, seeing as they were supposed to be done end of December/early January. I also did 4 hours worth of much needed cleaning and decluttering. I feel very accomplished and refreshed but at the same time a little invalidated because most of this most likely wouldn't have gotten done if I wasn't manic. Still, my hair is soft, my skin is glowing, and my Save the Dates are finally done! Hopefully after my appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday, I can get on the road to getting my moods and emotions to a manageable level. If you read this, I hope you are having a wonderful day, and know this illness doesn't own you!",Bipolar +45706,"How to convince someone that I'll be okay? I've spent my entire life managing my ups and downs. I've figured out strategies for waiting out the lows and have handled it myself for as long as I can remember. It's made school difficult at times, but I've done my best to keep my shit together and I'm in a graduate program that I absolutely love and working with people who are amazing. I know how to meet deadlines even in my worst episodes and I've learned how to harness the (very rare) hypomania for productivity. + +I accidentally confided in my supervisor and told him that I was dealing with a particularly bad bout of depression (not my worst though). This spiralled into him being excessively worried about me and reaching out to other people and him phoning/texting me to check up on me. I've had moderate suicidal thoughts in past, but I can usually handle them (or I know to go to a doctor immediately if not). + +I was emotionally exhausted but doing okay before he started worrying about me. I'm afraid that his concern is pushing me deeper into this depressive episode though because he's made it feel more serious than usual. He was worried I was suicidal and that made me think about suicide more than usual and freak myself out about it. (I ended up on the phone with him at 2AM crying because of it...) + +The thing is, I know it passes. I deal with it all the time. I know my worst-case measures and I'm prepared to use them. But, the crucial thing is that I've always dealt with it myself. On one hand, I get where he is coming from on the ""you shouldn't have to go through this alone"" thing, but the fact that he's referring to me as a ""student in crisis"" makes me scared and makes me feel more fucked up/depressed. I'm not sure how I can convince him that I'll be okay. I'm also worried that I've fucked up the only good thing in my life (my academic stuff) by confiding in him. I've resolved to take the steps he wants (talking to X person, checking in, etc.) to show that I'm committed to living/dealing with this shit and that I am accepting his help, but it's so difficult when I just want to make an appointment with my psychiatrist and deal with this in my own way without everyone knowing. (Also, I feel like shit for making him worry and also for ruining his perception of me.) + +Does anyone have any recommendations for quelling his worry and coming back from this gracefully? + +edit: just fyi, bipolar type II, on bupropion and carbamazepine ",Bipolar +45707,Stuck in a loop When I'm depressed I'm really careful Always feel anxious about every little decision. Constantly going over every possibility in my head and thinking about all the things that could go wrong.As a result I get really upset when things don't go to plan .. The problem is when things go right mania sets in and I get so excited that I blow it. And I fall into a depression once again..and it's getting to the point where I'm apprehensive about trying anything because I feel like I'm going to fail at everything regardless of how carefully I plan.,Bipolar +45708,"My ex boyfriend is bipolar. asking for opinion We broke up 3 months ago. I knew form the start about his state and I tried to inform myself about his disorder so I could better reach to him. At first we met he was in relathionship and I didn't knew that. We were just acquaintances, but we liked each other. He had that conversation with me, that he likes me and that he is in relathionship with that girl for one year and I told him that he shouldn't reconsider breaking up a serious relathinship just because he likes someone (in that case me) and after that it passed one month. We didn't had contact. + +Suddenly he showed up and it looked like he broke up. He told me that he is free and that he felt nothing for that girl, so we started dating. He looked really really in love with me and I sstarted to love him. We had a great relathionship and everything went just perfect. but for one year. Than he had that ""cold waves"", we called that state like that. As he told me he had for a very long time a big problem with retrospective jelosy. Sometimes it affected on us. And sometimes he had a periods when he, as he said- felt nothing to me, but that he cared for me. I gave him space and tried to understand and wanted him to be free to make decision if he wants to be with me. And our relathionship lasted one year like that. + +He never had a relathionship longer than one year. In our case we lasted for two years. But the second one was filled with all those ""cold waves"" he felt. And the last wave when we broke up I gave him a freedom again, but it seems like now that he really choose to move on and it looks like he really don't love me. + +He made an instangram page and now after 3 months of break up he posted a photo with a new girlfriend. I can guess he behave a little bit strange and that he is just in his mood swing. But we were perfect match in everything else. We got along very well. I feel like he is my true soulmate, despite his strange behaviour. + +Now I just reconsider if he ever really loved me? And maybe I supposed to be more dedicated and try harder to keep us together? Maybe I could do something to keep him close? But I was affraid to be intrusive with him and insisting to be together. I choose to give him freedom. Did I done the right thing? What do you think?",Bipolar +45709,"Thoughts on Abilify? Hey all, quick question. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon and he suggested going on Abilify if my anxiety and paranoia don't subside soon. Just trying to weigh the costs and benefits here. I do really need the anxiety to decrease so I can function at work, but my paranoia isn't *that* bad right now. I'm also already feeling tired, foggy and sluggish, and I know that antipsychotics exacerbates tiredness, fogginess and sluggishness even in small doses. + +Anyone here have good experiences with this drug? Bad experiences? Thank you for your input!",Bipolar +45710,"Is it safe to occasionally smoke weed I’m aware that thc can cause psychotic symptoms, but is it okay to have a couple of hits maybe once every few months on special occasions? I used to smoke pot but I stopped. I’m never going to be a regular smoker again, but every once in a while it would be nice. + + + + +Thanks :)",Bipolar +45711,"Was just prescribed 25mg of Lamictal.. i’m scared i’m a very worrisome and paranoid person, i read that a side affect could be a potentially fatal rash.. + +is this something i should really worry about? i’m scared as hell ",Bipolar +45712,"I have bipolar, so I blog... I'm not sure if this is helpful in any way, but this is my therapy, I blog. I try to blog almost every day and my goal in life is to end the stigma of mental illness especially surrounding bipolar disorder. If anyone wants to check it out its tiffrenae.com. What's your therapy?",Bipolar +45713,"Can medication kill creativity? I started taking Quetiapine (Seroquel) a few months ago and, while I've certainly had less negative thoughts and have been more functional, I feel like I'm no longer as creative as I used to be, something which affects my education as well as what I do with my free time (absolutely nothing). I was wondering if anyone has experienced something similar, and if it's possibly a result of medication?",Bipolar +45714,"Depression I usually have a couple of bad days a month (on a lot of meds), usually I have crying spells, overwhelming sense of dread, I hate myself and think I’m a horrible person who’s always and always will fuck up everything good in their life. Then it goes away pretty quickly. + +The depression I’m experiencing has been a slow onset over a few weeks, but has been really bad. My boyfriend says I’ve been fucked since New Years, idk know if I believe that, maybe. I feel so god awful alone. I haven’t felt this alone in such a long time, and my boyfriend just took me to pick out my engagement ring. My boyfriend doesn’t “get” this sort of stuff and doesn’t even try, but I’ve isolated myself so badly he’s all I’ve got to talk to (I’m convinced no one else cares, and I’m convinced he doesn’t want to put up with my shit anyways). He gets very mad. I usually have to beg him to listen, then when he finally does, he’ll say things like “don’t do that” “just do what you have to do”. I try to talk to him but he says all I do is tell him what he does wrong, which in my opinion isn’t accurate, my only gripe with our relationship has been communication and always has been. We’re bad at it together. + +I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Everything is such a fucking chore. I hate going to university (I’m in my mid twenties) because I feel so alone. Like those movie scenes where the person is standing still, but there are thousands of people moving around them very quickly. Like I know I don’t have anything in common with the kids at school, but since the depression has onset it’s only magnified how utterly alone I feel. + +I can’t let go of the feeling that I fuck everything up. I have to beg my boyfriend to listen to me and that’s always a fight. I’ve missed assignments in school and I feel like I’m trashing it (really though, nothing major, not in danger of failing). I’m just a piece of shit, the same piece of shit I’ve always been. I ruin every good thing I touch. + +I wish I didn’t care that I had to beg him to care about me sometimes, I think he is just more aloof than I am at any given time. I wish I could care less. + +I don’t know. I’ve been in tears all night and am having a horrible horrible time. I have homework to do, but I’d love to just take my medicine and knock out. + +I hate everything right now.",Bipolar +45715,"Possible Misdiagnoses? During the winter of 2016 I was diagnosed with bipolar I, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD, and a few years earlier ADHD. At first I felt that my diagnoses made sense and I was willing to take my meds. While there were times where I accidentally or deliberately didn't take them, I was mostly consistent. I did in fact feel better in time, though there were many ups and downs. The summer of 2017 I felt that my medications were working amazingly. I was productive, holding a job, writing a book, and overall happy. Beginning my first year of college even started off well. Towards the winter I became very overwhelmed but everyone was due to finals. I expected when our winter break came I would calm down. Throughout the break I had very low energy and a few major mood swings. I convinced my boyfriend to go on a road trip to California with me in the span of a few hours. I felt very excited and couldn't stop talking and laughing. Once we got there I was back to feeling depressed and unhappy, even more so because I thought going on a trip would help me feel better. I thought maybe the cold weather was what had me down, but the change to warm weather made no difference. When we got back in early January I took it upon myself to go off my meds cold turkey (which I know is not the best thing to do and I don't want to suggest that to anyone else). I expected my symptoms to worsen from withdrawals but nothing really happened. I was slightly more emotional and less zombie like, but nothing major. Since then I've only been taking Mydayis for ADHD and I've felt a lot better than I have in the past five months. I've had relatively normal moods, getting sad when something saddening happens or vice versa. This leaves me extremely confused. Is it possible that I don't have the things I was diagnosed with? Or could my symptoms just be taking a break? I had extreme mood swings at the time of my diagnoses and even in the summer briefly. I really just want to know if anyone else has experienced this or has any thoughts.",Bipolar +45716,"Health effects of long-term (>6 years) use of lamotrigine? (Particularly related to chronic inflammation and low-grade flu-like symptoms) Hi all, + +I've been on 250mg lamotrigine for about 6 years now. It works fantastically. However, during the same period I've slowly developed a kind of background inflammation that's basically the same as very minor flu. It's there almost all the time - some days better than others - and is sometimes accompanied by muscle aches/sprains and a slightly sore throat. I also feel like I'm extra warm to the touch. + +No doubt the timing is purely coincidental and I have some other problem, but I figured it was worth researching. Unfortunately, however, I can't find much about long-term usage and the only articles that refer to those symptoms are acute allergic responses. + +Do any of you have views/experiences here? Naturally I'll pursue it with my doctor too. + +Thank you!",Bipolar +45717,"The Valentine’s Day Thread: Celebrating Joy, Sorrow & Everything in Between. Gather 'round and [throw it in the fire](https://imgur.com/a/8ImiJ) for your cathartic pleasure. + +Your go-to spot for walls of text, rants about Hallmark holidays, misgivings, successes...*you* name it regarding this brutal day. <3",Bipolar +45718,"Is it anyhow possible to get rid of bipolar disorder? If traumic events triggered it, cant you stop it by settling with those events? I mean, shouldnt it work like this? I dont want to take meds, isnt there any other way?",Bipolar +45719,"I just really need to rant about the aspects of bipolar disorder I’ve been struggling with the most lately: side effects, mania, moods.. It’s been almost a year since I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder & my first and only manic episode. I cringe so much when I think about the time I was manic. I know I need to be nice to myself because I literally had no control over it, but I just hate the person I was for like a week. I thought I felt empathy for the first time in my life, and also thought I could read minds and was super obsessed with eye contact and the subconscious mind. Classic bipolar shit. It hurts to watch shows that depict people having manic episodes. I wish I could just erase that part of my life, which I guess I am doing to the best of my ability. Just blocking it out. Didn’t happen. +But now I’m on lithium and lamictal, which have thankfully allowed me to at least seem sane to other people, but honestly I’m lying when I say they’re making me feel all better. They’re not. Lithium fucking sucks. I have no appetite. I’m nauseous 97% of the time, and eating makes it worse. I used to have such a beautiful figure, but I’m getting so fucking skinny, my curves are going away. I tried to eat a lot two nights ago because I really want to gain a few pounds but I ended up feeling so nauseous, I just can’t do that often enough to gain weight back. And the fucking flaking. I feel so disgusting. My skin has never flaked before but my left ear now flakes so much daily. I hate it. +And probably the worst of all, it feels like my head is no longer mine. I can’t trust my thoughts or my feelings. As soon as I start to get passionate about something, I start speaking quickly, my mind races, my hands start shaking, and boom I’m hypomanic, thinking about all the weird shit I thought about during mania, making sense of things that don’t exist. I can’t even fucking explain that to anyone because none of my friends have bipolar disorder and none of them get it. So I’m just trying to act normal while my head is just being literally insane. This almost entirely defeats my ability to feel joy about anything, literally. If I’m not hypomanic, I’m just stuck in depression. I feel really alone. I miss who I used to be before all this happened. +I wish I could just turn it off, you know? I can’t even self-medicate with alcohol because if I have more than a few drinks I’ll throw up in the morning. +Hopefully it gets easier.",Bipolar +45720,"Woke up and didn’t recognize myself i was diagnosed a few months ago as BP II with OCD and unspecified anxiety disorder. it took me a long time to seek help even though i’ve been dealing with these things for a very long time. looking back, most of my life seems so foggy because of the constant up and down, racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, and anxiety meltdowns. even so, i never really noticed the signs of something as serious as BP II. i’m only on 75 mg of lamictal and 50 mg of sertraline right now, but i’m going back to my pdoc because i just had easily the worst hypomanic episode yet. maybe it’s just because i can recognize it now, i don’t know. either way, i went on a total spending spree, made 3 road trips in a two week period, got my first 2 tattoos, had unprotected sex w a guy i barely know (have never had sex outside a relationship), drank like a fish, drove drunk and my mom even described me as “arrogant.” these things would all seem normal for a college student like myself if it weren’t for the fact that on a normal basis i am very, very straight laced. i woke up monday morning and had to make my first gyno appt because i thought i was pregnant, but instead i am being tested for std’s. i hate the second tattoo i got because it’s visible all the time. i’m in a mess with the people i went out with because the alcohol turned me in an irritable mess. my bank account has barely enough money to buy groceries now. i don’t know who i was these past few weeks but i’m scared of the place she put me in. how do i move past this? + +tl;dr my first recognizable hypomanic state made my life a shit show to the point where i felt like i was a completely different person. I dont know how to pick up the pieces ",Bipolar +45721,"Probably hypo after med change Here I am at 6, after an hour of staring at the ceiling and trying not to move too much, after going to at 2:30 'cause I wasn't tired. This is all coming off the back of a month long depressive episode with a lot of suicidal contemplation, which was finally ended by an increase in seroquel to 300mg, an increase in lamictal to 100mg twice a day, and a decrease in lithium over the last few months from 900mg a day to 300. + +I have felt fantastic the last 4 or so days, but everyone around me is freaking out because I'm too hyper and loud and all over the place, especially my gf, who's going through a rough patch. I can't even sit still long enough to comfort her and it's really freaking her out. Of course the only other time I've been like this was right before I crashed and burned and went to the hospital for a week, so bad feelings all around I guess. + +It just seems odd that this would come about after an increase in seroquel and lamictal. If it stays too much longer I might drop a note for the psychiatrist, because I know this isn't sustainable, it just feels so damn good. + +Is this common to switch like this after a med change? Also, how the hell do I deal with all the people freaking out thinking this is going to wind up putting me in the psych ward again? +Thanks ",Bipolar +45722,"Self Loathing on a Tuesday I'm having a hard day, an exceptionally hard day. + + I have this tendency to get into a pattern of just purely hating everything about myself. Everything. Recently, I have changed jobs and spend the majority of my day alone in a car, which has seemed to make things worse. I have unlimited time to criticize and berate myself. + + I don't really know why I am posting. I lurk a lot but am not very vocal on Reddit, due mainly to my insecurity. I guess I just need the anonymous internet to hear me, since I can't get myself to talk to anyone else about it. + + I spend massive amounts of time with the one person I hate the most: me. I feel trapped in my mind, body, and life. + + I'm not okay, and I just needed for someone to hear that. + +Edit: format; spelling",Bipolar +45723,"Double post First how's your relationship with your parents growing up? +My dad was always angry at me for not being who he wanted and not following HIS dreams and plans he had for me (he wanted me to go to trade school and become and automotive mechanic with a focus on diesel engines, I wanted a military career). +My mom was always focused on my little brother and step dad. Sisters are way older than me so they already had their lives when I was barely a teen. +Tldr; I raised my self. + +I'm so depressed and having panic attacks. I have no insurance. My income was less than expected so I don't qualify for subsidies. Medical won't accept me since I'm above the poverty line. +Psychiatrist gave me a discount and only charged 150 for a 15 minute consultation. +",Bipolar +45724,"I feel so hopeless 28/M, living with parents, no savings, Uber driver. + +Yes, it's years of bad decisions (largely brought on by bipolar disorder) that have led me to this point. Here's the thing, I *was* an aspiring comedian. Something got ""switched off"" about my personality 3 years ago and I don't think I can do it anymore. But I still have all the jokes I wrote, 6,500 of them. I'm working on editing it down to the best and am going to try to publish it. But... what if I'm completely fucking wasting my time? What if I get it completely polished to something I'm happy with, go leaps and bounds, the extra mile, whathaveyou... and don't sell a single copy? I'm so worried about my future. To boot, I don't have any friends and I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years. I am pretty good-looking but feel so pathetic about my life, the no money, the broken character, the friendlessness. I'm fortunate to be a 6'2"" Caucasian male with a history of health and fitness, so now that I'm getting sober and focusing more on the gym, I have the plausibility to get really aesthetic. But that's about all I have going for me. + +I can't be a broke lonely loser my whole life. I will not. I will kill myself if I don't see results after a long enough period. I feel like the pain of the world would be so dulled *if just one person loved me* but I have no one. I put $20 in an online poker account and am hovering at $80, and I dream of being able to make thousands that way one day, to afford the life I want to live. At this point, I just want to buy a hooker because I haven't had sex or female attention in so long, I feel pathetic. I have even tried a couple times but it didn't work out. I'm so scared I won't find a way to make money. ",Bipolar +45725,Rapid cycling? Anyone deal with rapid cycling? I feel like my whole life is turned upside down after every shift. Any advice or even someone who’s experienced this would be awesome :),Bipolar +45726,"More Trouble Than I'm Worth Without going into much detail, here's a little context: +Happily (as much as BPD allows) married to a wonderful man, and we have a beautiful, brilliant toddler. They're so good to/for me - I often feel undeserving. +I've been in a depressive episode for almost 2 months - med compliant, have been for 3 years. + +Lately, I've been fucking up little, typical people things; scratched the car, got scammed out of $300, letting food go bad in the fridge... They're hitting my self-worth hard for no other reason than my low threshold for disappointment and my high expectations of myself. + +The latest thing is a creepy message left on my front door on Valentine's Day saying they saw me in the area and wanted to leave their number/Facebook in case they never saw me again.... WTF. Of course my husband is pissed, and I feel like my privacy has been 100% violated. Husband is SO upset that he has a hard time seeing how this affects me - but besides that, I feel like I'm way more trouble than I'm worth. +My constant emotional turmoil, the fatigue, prescription drug costs, migraines that make me worthless for hours. +I feel like I should just be alone. Like the people I love shouldn't be subjected to my bullshit and have to clean up my messes or pay my debt when I die (just got denied life insurance for BPD diagnosis). +I have a lot of supportive people in my life, family, friends, therapist. Regardless, I can't shake this worthlessness, self-loathing guilt. + +Thanks for reading if you do, just having a rough... life right now. I know this probably sounds whiny - I have an objectively great life that I've worked hard for. Why do I still feel so shitty? ",Bipolar +45727,Latuda isn't helping I'm on 120mg of Latuda and I feel like it's taken away the sparkly mania but now I'm bouncing between depressed as fuck and almost content. Is content what happy is on medication? Because it's literally breaking my heart.,Bipolar +45728,"Tell me your stories about weaning off Wellbutrin XL Because I feel so fucking depressed and suicidal. I'm currently on 150mg, down from 300mg (name brand). I've been on it 2.5years. I cannot go back up to 300mg.",Bipolar +45729,"As experts in psychiatry, what do you think about my sex life? The last year has been chaotic, but the next is looking stable and positive. The next priority is going to be repairing my bond with my husband. I basically shut down to emergency mode for a few months due to job loss and massive anxiety. Hubby took excellent care of me and the household during that time. Unfortunately, as I was coming out of it, he was heading into a pretty hefty depression. All of this, on top of some as-yet-unresolved body image issues developed (no pun intended) from my wedding pictures. I've been worried, and I think hubby too, that we've wandered into platonic territory, and I really want to reel that back. Hubby's depression is currently covering the fact that I'm having a hard time reengaging with him, but I think the problem is mine, because of my reaction to the wedding photos making me feel extremely unsexy, rather than being created/caused by him. + +Any ideas about how to feel sexy again? ",Bipolar +45730,"Lowering the doses of my meds, fairly mild triggers For most of my life I have been on huge doses of a lot of medications which made me slow, clumsy, and stupid. I am not like any of those things naturally. + +I have been terrified of changing anything because it almost always leads to suicidal urges and self harm. When my previous psychiatrist changed me from risperdal to geodon I had a manic episode that lasted several months. I ended up in the hospital, 5150, suicide attempt, lots of cutting. When she put me on serroquel, I had such bad vertigo and extreme sedation that I stumbled into a wall and broke my nose. + +I changed to a new psychiatrist about 3 months ago. She wanted to to start reducing my meds. I was willing to try because of the effing side effects and also the fact that the meds don't begin to control my symptoms. + +We lowered lamictal waaaay too fast, long story. I was off it for about 2 weeks after taking 400mg a day for many years. I just went nuts when it was all out of my system. I felt suicidal urges that seemed uncontrollable and like I might try, though it was against my will. I cut myself up. My dearest husband has worked from home for the last 3 weeks, keeping me safe. + +I'm now on 100mg of lamictal and I'm hypomanic. I feel awesome. Everything has calmed down and this dose feels good. + +I'm more alert and I have some energy. I'm scared about what it will be like to reduce some of my other meds, but I want to do it. + +Has anybody else had trouble changing meds or doses of meds? Is my body just freaky? These last few weeks have been hell. Sorry this is so long!",Bipolar +45731,"An IOP just started taking my insurance! I just finished up my most recent bout of psych testing. I just got word that an IOP in my area struck a deal with my brand of medicaid. +I've been off meds for a couple weeks and have been drinking. +I called in refills today and took my remaining lamotrigine. +I'm really trying to be positive.",Bipolar +45732,"How do I take the next step to understanding myself? I'm using this account as it's kinda my throw away/ deep confession account. I'm going through some shit right now which is kinda relate to this, but for a while now I've been trying to understand if my 'normal' is really normal or if there's something I need to get checked out by a professional. + +For as long as I can remember I've struggled to control my emotions in the context of what's around me, and most of the time I've been acting accordingly. If I'm at a party and I'm supposed to be having a good time, I might still be super upset about the fact that my favorite TV show has ended and what's going to fill that void. I attended my brothers funeral, carried the coffin even, and I wasn't that upset but people are watching so I tried my hardest to cry and look authentic. Later on of course I was distraught, but my emotions were always out of sync with reality. + +My mood guides everything I do. I'm of pretty normal intelligence I think, I went to school, am told that I'm pretty logical in my thinking, but I just can't seem to do the most basic things. I'll sometime go a couple of weeks without a shower (not proud to admit that) because when the opportunity presents itself to shower I'll be engrossed in something so deeply that the thought just gets shrugged of until next time, upon which is just repeated again. Sometimes that things I'm doing is just sitting down staring into space thinking, but it feels like important work. Other times I can't stand my own skin and shower three times a day. There's no normal middle ground! + +My mood can often change at the drop of a hat too. I immerse myself in work and over extend what I can handle because it keeps my brain from being Moody or reacting to stuff around me, but someone will make a benign comment like they're going on holiday and if I get an envious thought in my head it just multiplies into this intense deep deep depression where I sneak out of work and drive somewhere (I'm trusted to manage my own time) to be alone and sink further and further. The scary thing is I sometimes embrace this mood, it's like I need it and it feels comfortable to be sitting in a car crying by myself. I'll carry this mood with me all day usually, acting normally in front of the family when I get home, and making an excuse to go to bed early because I know that also is the best chance I get to reset. It's not working tonight though as it's 2am, and I've taken two tramadol to help sleep. + +Other times I'm invincible. Right now despite a few big troughs in the last few days where I've been super depressed, I'm super super confident. For the first time in my career I've pushed myself and created a new role that is bigger than I ever thought I would get. It's a 'big' job, a Director role with a lot of responsibility, I'm so proud of myself I take on all these extra responsibilities and I'm totally overloading myself because I know I'm amazing. But I can't tell my family how happy I am because the mania I experience through the day rarely carried through to home. And if I'm not in the mood to be excited then I don't talk about it and my day was 'fine'. + +I've done reading, enough to probably have the wrong idea about what I'm like. I fell like I have some level of bipolar but I don't want to go to my doctor and tell him that in case he just says that I'm normal and this is life pal, get used to it. I've never talked to anyone about this other than one close friend who is bipolar and we have similar thoughts. + +The logical side in me says go to the doctor and explain myself, but I fear that the Dr won't be able to keep up with me when I talk. If I'm up then I can't get my words out quickly enough and just babble. If I'm down I'll think about every word and choose them so carefully I'll filter out crucial information because I don't want the Dr to think badly of me. + +I want to be told that someone else is liked me, I want to hear that medication is there to help me, I want to stop being up and down all the time so I can focus on sitting out the other problems in my life like normal people do. I really just wanted to write all of this down, so I'm sure the post will get buried. ",Bipolar +45733,"Definitely depression, but could there be something else too? (Thanks in advance!) I'm in my early 20's, currently a full-time student, currently seeing a counselor at my university for the depression I had from October-early February. + +Some background: *Had an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father growing up + +*had cycles of depression as a teen but nothing as bad as this past fall, never before gotten treatment for it. + +*used to have anger issues that I've been working on and have mostly gotten better. + +*I used to be and still have worries in the back of my mind about some new super bug plague wiping out humanity, apocalyptic scenarios (before dystopian books were a thing-- or at least before it was on my radar), generally was and am irritable at times (can't stand foot/leg bouncers/tappers and gum smacking--as a result I feel pretty trapped in lecture halls). Something that also seems to stand out to me is that a year or two ago I got uncontrollably angry (literally shaking mad) at my roommate for no reason and had to go on a really long walk. + +Currently: During my depressed period I had foggy cotton ball brain, couldn't concentrate, trouble sleeping and staying asleep, the irritability, suicidal thoughts all the time, racing thoughts. + +Early last week I kinda started feeling better, one day everything looked more vivid. That sounds weird, but color had a touch more color, bright things were more bright. The next day I was so elated and have been ecstatic each morning. Waking up has been easy for the first time in a long time. I'm not riddled with self doubt or constantly wondering if I'm annoying people by talking to them. I'm actually excited for my future. I got cheap new clothes that fit so I don't have to wear my sweatpants every day any more. + +Today I woke up early, did a bunch of errands, got more clothes, ran for the first time since September, did my usual short workout routine twice, and even went to an event at my university. + +It's nice to finally be happy, but it feels wrong to be THIS happy so suddenly after having suicidal thoughts all day every day. + +I meant to talk to my counselor about all this this morning but she was out sick---so instead I am asking for any personal experience or thoughts on this to see if I might be way off base or not here. ",Bipolar +45734,"(Content Warning) Florida and Media Representation of Mental Illness Reading of the news of another mass casualty in the US yesterday was first heartbreaking, then infuriating. Every news outlet I saw pointed toward the focus on mental illness. POTUS went as far as saying that he wanted to tackle the complex problem of ""mental illness"". + +1) WTF does that mean? +Is he referring to ensuring that healthcare is readily available to Americans living with mental illnesses? Or that those who have mental illnesses will be receiving assistance in obtaining treatment? + +2) Why is it that the only time people speak to mental health as an issue, as a priority, is when a lot of people are dead? Why is the culpability always on mental illness and never on a negligent gun legislation? + +Here in Canada, we have a make shift day of awareness that has its own set of problems because it is funded by a corporation that doesn't respect the mental health of its own employees. We're trying, but we do have basic mental health coverage and care that isn't always afforded elsewhere. + +Folks outside of North America, is this the same portrayal? ",Bipolar +45735,"Boy did I screw up Wow. Did I mess up. + +A little background. Diagnosed as bipolar at 18 after a difficult junior high and high school experience. Struggled throughout my early 20s and finally got my life under control by my late 20s. Met an amazing woman and got married. Managed to find a meaningful career and had a few years of amazing success. Two wonderful kids. + +About 4 years ago my career started going south. There are several reasons, one of which was a move to different state then most of my freelance work. My wife also got very sick when pregnant with our second child and I ended up getting into a bad pattern of care taking without taking care of myself. Especially when it came to sleep. + +As the money stopped coming in, I started selling some stocks that I owned prior to our relationship. I ended up selling almost all of it and cashing out the majority of our small but important IRA over the course of 2-3 years. I never shared any of this with my wife and never reported any of the money as income. + +Fast forward to 2017. Almost all of the stock is gone (and I still haven’t told anyone). We are practically broke and borrowing money from family members repeatedly. A few weeks ago my wife demanded access to my brokerage account. She decided the best way to fix our finances was for her to take complete control. The jig was up. My huge violation of trust was revealed. + +I truly believe that deep down I am a good person. I have a good heart and I am a very caring and loving father and husband. But with my terrible actions and hiding and lying about it, it is clear that I am sick and need help. I don’t know what caused this manic episode, but I am sure the fact that I sleep 5-6 hours a night so she can get a full 8-10 hours of sleep every day didn’t help. + +She says she loves me, but hates my guts right now. She says she loves me but is terrified and feels like unsafe. She says she doesn’t know if she can stand to have me in the house or will ever be able to see me as a romantic partner again. + +I haven’t been in therapy since my psych died in 2011. I’ve been seeing a nurse practitioner once every three months to keep my prescriptions up. But clearly need to find a new doctor pronto and get intensive therapy. Not just medication management. + +If I didn’t have children, I can’t imagine what I’d do to myself. But I love them and I love her so much. I know I have a chronic illness and this is a major “flare up.” I just can’t imagine how I can live without my family. + +We are seeing a couples therapist next week. I am so ashamed of my actions and my lying. I’m not sure what to do. ",Bipolar +45736,"Need resources for my SO on my BPII/Lamictal I'm a 27 year old female who was diagnosed with BPII when I was 20. I was on Lamictal (350mg/day) for several years, which did wonderful things for me. I also was briefly on lithium, welbutrin, seroquel, trazodone, and propranolol but always found Lamictal to be the most effective. + +Last Spring, my boss decided to lay several people off including myself, which meant I lost my health insurance plan. He didn't honor our Cobra agreement and subsequently my normally $30 refills skyrocketed to $800 per refill. I obviously couldn't afford this and thus went off Lamictal for 9 months. It was horrible, I was suicidal, had raging fits of crying and lashing out at people. I self harmed. I tried to walk onto a freeway. + +My boyfriend has been extremely patient and supportive but doesn't understand what I'm going through. I recently got a healthcare plan again with Kaiser and am now titrating back up (I am on 25mg/day now, going up to 50mg in two days, eventually back to my normal 350). I don't know if it's because I'm older now, or that I stopped drinking, or that I'm also on hormonal birth control (Ortho) this time, but the side effects have been way more intense than I recall when starting last time. My night terrors are insane. Like, I wake up sweating and panting, and it ruins my day as I'm gripped with whatever got to me in the dream. I get headaches, I have shitty coordination, I feel lazy and unmotivated, uninspired, my speech is slurred and I have no memory. I'll be talking and mid-sentence just... not know what I was trying to get at. + +My boyfriend has my testimony to go off of, but he really wants good resources to understand BPII and mostly Lamictal, and what to expect in supporting me as I get back up to my therapeutic dose. ",Bipolar +45737,"little pity party I don't want to be bipolar anymore. I don't want to be on meds. It's not fair that some people are able to just exist with a stable mood & appropriately reactive ups & downs. It's not fair & it makes me feel angry sometimes. I don't want anymore med changes. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. + +I am depressed. I am whiny. I am pathetic. My sincere apologies. I'm actually in the process of a med change to try & get stable. I'm just feeling really sad & angry right now. I don't want to live this way.",Bipolar +45738,"Unsure if I'm bipolar/borderline/neither... I know no one can make a diagnosis except a doctor, but I was just wondering what others experiences are. I have been on mood stabilizers for about 2 months now. They have really seemed to help me, and I have been practicing meditation/DBT/mindfulness(which goes along with the DBT). + +I was diagnosed as bipolar in December when I was baker acted in late November because I was contemplating suicide. Okay, I've been missing my medications, and I've been contemplating going out and doing drugs and having sex; I'm also extremely irritable, and I just want to push people out of my life. I can't stop thinking about these two guys I have a crush on, and I almost want them to stop talking to me by messaging them to delete me from their phones/ off their messaging apps etc. I've done this kind of stuff all my life; well since I was a teenager (I'm 25 now)... I'd just randomly push people away(mostly guys I'd have a crush on)... It's like I was upset with myself for thinking about them so much, and I figured the only way to make it stop was to push them away, but I'd almost regret it afterwards. When it came to female friends I'd just disappear on them for months at a time. Also, I'd have impulse control issues during these phases, but it would only come on randomly like spending money, overeating, sex, drugs, drinking, etc. + +It's weird because in daily life most people would never guess I have these issues since I'm really nice, and I try to keep these problems to myself and my mom and my therapist. Right now though I'm feeling all the urges associated with my manic episodes, and I'm not sure what to do. I started taking my medicine tonight, so I'm hoping it will help. I'm on Lamictal and Trileptal if anyone is interested... Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I know all experiences are different, but I've asked other friends and family members before if they ever have these type of experiences and they just look at me like I'm crazy. ",Bipolar +45739,"Someone in my life's illness has got much worse. I'd like to know what to expect Hi + +I was involved with someone's life for a long time. This person was diagnosed with Bipolar with serious manic episodes, and treated for about 13 years. The meds were hard to take and she was a bit up and down with them. There were some serious manic episodes that led to dangerous situations. There was little I could do, but I did help keep her on track and try to keep her honest with the meds. + +I realise that it must be so awful to have to take dulling medication, and I'm really sympathetic to how these manic events and dropping off Lithium built up. I don't want to sound judgemental. + +Fast forward to now. As of three years ago I no longer have any influence or connection, but have stepped in to help in a really bad episode. It's become clear that she has not really taken her medication seriously for three years. She's been totally freewheeling. The illness I saw in her recently was very different to what I knew from before. I had seen her as driven and worked up, but her moods were cycling from extremes within minutes. It was frightening. + +I have read up as much as I can on bipolar and rapid cycling. I get the picture that some people advance towards this after every major episode, and that it tends to be progressive, and not go back to being a single flavour at a time so to speak. + +Can anyone who has experienced bipolar progressing like this (in yourself or in a loved one) give me a perspective? I'm concerned that she's progressed past some kind of horizon and things are going to be harder for her even on Lithium now. Just a gut feeling. + +I would appreciate hearing relevant experiences. Thank you. Keep up the fight guys, you're all doing great in this forum.",Bipolar +45740,"I'm new here: hello I'm new to reddit in general, but especially new to this sub. I'm 21 and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder fairly recently. it explains a lot but also makes so many things more confusing. + +it's meant so much to me to be able to come onto r/bipolarreddit and see so many behaviors, thoughts and feelings i thought made me so alone are actually shared by other people. i thought that would annoy me but it's actually such a comfort to know i'm not just completely misdiagnosed and being mislead. + +I'm going to try and frequent here more often. right now i'm in a sort of mixed depressive episode where i'm not completely useless but i can feel myself falling into that... I'm going to try and reach out, even if it's just to strangers on the internet, rather than withdraw completely this time. + +but i also could just be kidding myself and a week from now laugh that i ever even typed this. + +we'll see. either way, thank you for being here.",Bipolar +45741,"i kind of want to go off my meds i want a reset. i want to be my true self and not have these pills change my brain. i miss the fun parts of mania, and i truly miss not knowing what's going on half the time. + +before meds i was either too manic to feel any worry or realize what's happening, or i was too depressed to plan on living much longer. either way, responsibility was never on my mind. neither was my job, or money, or food, or anything real adults have to deal with. i was completely unaware of how life really is and i want that back! + +i'm feeling super restless right now and it's coming out of nowhere. i don't know if i've ever wanted to go off my meds before? i honestly can't remember. i don't know why i'm feeling this way, because i know without my meds i'm a literal mess and i'm reckless and destructive and irresponsible and overall a huge danger to myself in many ways. but i'm so tired of reality right now, i just want it to end. if i can't go into an alternate world maybe letting my mind become an alternate world again is the next best thing? does anyone else ever get tired of living in reality? + +i've been on meds for 7 years and i'm still not used to the stress of responsibilities and real life on medication. ",Bipolar +45742,seroquel vs abilify? what are your experiences with these two drugs? is abilify as sedating as seroquel?,Bipolar +45743,"Lamictal literally saved my life but one side effect is.... Within ten months I tried to end my life twice. After seeking treatment, I finally got lucky and a new doctor diagnosed me correctly as Bipolar Type 2. I've been on Lamictal for about two years now and I can't begin to describe how it saved me. + +I'm now an advocate for mental health in my day job, fighting to protect what little protection our healthcare system provides (I'm an American, clearly). + +Anyway, about four months ago I started noticing a very small and slight downgrade in my vision. It doesn't effect my driving ability, but it does mean I have trouble tracking fast movements on my television. + +Action scenes are generally fine if a bit hard to track, but 2d sidescrollers like Mario are a MESS (let alone Sonic, lol). Its almost like I see objects ""trail"" behind me. I'm worried that the symptoms will get worse. + +I take about 250MG daily, so a relatively low dose from what I gather. + +How can I treat my loss of vision, if indeed it is the Lamictal? I went to an optometrist and he confirme that my eyesight is largely fine, so its not that.",Bipolar +45744,"Anyone else not sleeping too well at the moment? (lamictal/quetiapine combo) On low starting doses of quetiapine and lamictal which are working, slowly. After three nights of beautiful, undisturbed sleep on quetiapine my sleep pattern got fucked up and now I'm back down to my usually horrific sleep pattern. I need to hit the reset button somewhere. + +Any of you guys had experiences with this combination before?",Bipolar +45745,How do I stop eating ?!?!?! I gained a lot of weight on Latuda. I got put on Abilify when I was hospitalized recently and developed some really really disordered habits to lose the weight. I'm down 17lbs but all of a sudden instead of next to nothing I'm going way over my (healthy) calorie limit for the day. I don't know what to do. I'm panicking. I can't gain weight again.,Bipolar +45746,"I had to quit my job Rant incoming. I just need to get this out and share. + +I'm medicated and pretty well stable for the last 5 years. + +My job was so incredibly stressful the last few months. I was coming home every day, with no energy to cook dinner or clean, and mostly just spending my evenings watching tv and or crying. I didn't know what to do. There's an extra element of stress to a stressful job when you're bipolar, as I don't know if the job is really the problem, or if I'm going into an episode. + +My 1-up manager was away on a Friday, so I spoke to my 2-up manager and said I wasn't coping with the stress and would like to hand in my resignation. I didn't ask for any special treatment, just offered my resignation. He asked me to just think about it for the weekend and we'd discuss it again on the Monday. + +On the Monday, he brought my 1-up into the discussion. They offered me some leniencies, and said they'd figured the job might actually be a 2 person job back when they hired me, and they'd reassess the business plan and asked if I'd be happy to stay if the job was cut in half. I said I couldn't offer a commitment, but I'd be willing to try. + +At the end of that week, I heard from one of my colleagues that my 1 up had told him that I ""spat the dummy"" and ""didn't want to do the hard work anymore"". I was furious. I was humiliated. Not only was my supposedly confidential conversation with management not confidential, but it was totally changed to make me look like a whiner. + +I spoke to my partner and he agreed this was not on and that I need to get out of that place. So I took a week of stress leave (sick leave officially). During my week off sick, I received 47 (not a typo!) calls from work from people expecting me to do things and make decisions. While I was sick! + +I realised the only time I was badly stressed during that week was when I woke up and had that instant dread of thinking I had to go to work, and when I received a call. Otherwise I felt ok. I called up on the last day and resigned. + +Today is my 5th day of unemployment and I am so, so happy. I feel almost back to normal again. I still get stressed if I think about having to apply for jobs, but that's ok, because I've decided to give myself at least 6 weeks off to decompress from that stressful job before I start looking again. + +*The point of this message*: no job is worth more than your mental health. Save money! Be prepared to be unemployed for a while if you need to, because shitty jobs will come along, and you need to be able to get out. I've never in my life been so happy to have some savings, and I don't mind if I blow through it all over the next 6 months. I'm just happy to be out.",Bipolar +45747,"Latuda Withdrawals/Akathisia Hi All, + +I was put on Latuda for about 3 weeks (1 at 10mg, 2 at 20mg) as my previous stabiliser wasn't doing much for me. I assumed my worsening depression/anxiety were withdrawals but by week 3 I ended with akathisia that has really fucked me up. + +Pdoc took me off it immediately and prescribed me 0.25mg Xanax to take as needed (which I had been taking one or two of intermittently to cope with the transition) It's been 12 days since my last Latuda dose but I'm still having major depression/panic/crying fits and I'm concerned that the longer I take the Xanax the more reliant I'm going to become on it. I'm already taking between 1.25-2mg/day and while I'm having more frequent periods of stability, it's sometimes taking more Xanax to get there and boy do I come crashing down hard once that 5 hour mark passes. + +Has anyone had similar experiences coming off Latuda? I'd think that with only 3 weeks on I'd be in the clear by now, but I've heard some horror stories and I'm also terrified of replacing one set of symptoms with another the longer I stay on Xanax. + +Thanks.",Bipolar +45748,"Inarticulate Do you ever feel like no matter what you do or say, no one will ever really understand what you’re talking about? It’s lonely. I used to think it’s the bipolar, but maybe it’s just me that doesn’t make sense. +I know there’s good things about being ‘creative.’ But the reverse of it is, I don’t choose to see things in a different way- I can’t see them like everyone else. It makes me feel stupid- or rather like I have the wrong operating software and people can tell, but they can’t fix it. I feel like I’m good for 1 in 100 things. Because if you want it done the normal way I’ll probably do it wrong. This is boring and self pitying but I just have no one to tell.",Bipolar +45749,"Looking for informal Chicago support groups, *not NAMI or DBSA* tried those two and they're damn depressing.",Bipolar +45750,"Time to kick the meds for a bit?? I want to stop taking my medication (primarily lamictal). + +I want to my motivation back. My feelings, it feels impossible to have an angry outburst now and I know that is not healthy. I feel so dumb but is it because of just smoking weed? I feel like THC/CBD stabilizes my moods in a much better way. No matter what happens in the day or morning, I feel ungodly restless until I smoke. +I know it is entirely my fault for being like this, a NEET, but I don't know why I find it so damn hard now. Essential tasks feel so hard to do and I've felt dissociated for so long, but I also feel like it might really the blurriness from Lamictal + poor eyesight. I feel like what is up with me is more than BP-II or anxiety. I genuinely feel that I may have aspergers or something. + +I don't know. Really, I want to go back to myself, a nice shy person who at least has a wave of motivation to chase my dreams. I want MOTIVATION and the ability TO DO. +I dream of being an artist but now I feel such little emotion to express and really I don't care I just want to be able to MAKE STUFF. ALSO I REALLY hate feeling obligated to meet with some person once a month to get these things that I essentially NEEED.",Bipolar +45751,"Seroquel and anger/rage/confusion, anyone else? I have been taking the same combo (lamictal 150mg & seroquel 200mg) for about 5 years now for BPII, and it had been working really well. It did kind of kill the social life because if I don't take them too late I am pretty much useless the next day. + +However, for the past two weeks things have changed, especially in the morning. I have ""come to"" for lack of a better phrase, yelling at my SO. And not just like upset, like furious rage that I can still feel, even when I realize what is going on and am confused as to what started it. I have a pdoc appt next week, but I am worried that this could get worse. + +SO has said it is terrifying and I even threatened to throw things at him before the light bulb moments. I have an infant, who SO has been incredible with taking of/now protecting, as far as mornings go, even before the rage. The biggest issue used to be balance and coordination if I was startled awake. + +Any tips on how to mitigate this? Or cope with the guilt and confusion? SO is understanding, but can only deal with so much",Bipolar +45752,"Scared to Start Meds :( Hey all. I’ve been in therapy since age 6, Baker Acted at 15, sent to inpatient treatment at age 17, stayed for a year for self harm, depression, and substance abuse. + +In inpatient they just said I needed to find god and quit smoking pot and life would be dandy. Then, the inpatient program took me off my depression and ADHD meds because I traded adderall for a cigarette. Life was miserable. + +So, I went straight to university after inpatient treatment (genius move) and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I think that the diagnosis is fitting but I don’t trust it completely; what if it’s BPD or Cyclothymia? + +Fast forward a year, I dropped my therapist. School is tough because I’m either so hyped up I think that I don’t need school because I’m a genius and a god among men and can do anything I want with my life. Other times, I’ll miss a week of classes and do no work because I hate myself and want to die. + + +All in all, I’m so used to dealing with the symptoms that I don’t want to take meds or go back to therapy because I’m scared of the side effects. I don’t want to lose my sex drive or get fat or be lazy. I don’t want to give up drugs and alcohol. And I’m really distrustful of doctors because not a one has helped me in the past. + +Tl;dr I’m fucked up, probably bipolar, barely passing my classes, but don’t want to experience side effects from meds. What do I do ",Bipolar +45753,"Fibromyalgia AND adhd AND BIPOLAR I I’ve dealt with inconsistent mental health care most of my late teens and early 20s. Now that i’m independent of my mental illness-denying family, i see a good therapist and get consistent treatment. + +well recently i had a terrible manic episode that put me in a very dangerous situation that i luckily survived. it’s something i would never do otherwise. after speaking with my therapist she recommended a psychiatrist to me and i’ve been seeing her. i was tested and, boom, diagnosed bipolar i and adhd. + +i was somewhat surprised by the diagnosis, but at the same time, it explained my entire life. + +it’s like, fibro is a lot already with three of the many symptoms being anxiety, depression, and brain fog. i don’t want to deal with more. esp. since i really, really need to be on a mood stabilizer. + +it’s just hard thinking about having to adjust all my medication, including possibly my fibro meds. it’s just a headache to potentially deal with more symptoms/ side effects while i rework everything. + +but it’s really necessary. my manic brain is so sneaky and tricks me so easily. + +Edit: sorry for the poor grammar. my thoughts are racing pretty bad and it makes it hard to type.",Bipolar +45754,"Sex Repulsion After Months of Lamictal Anyone else lose their desire to be sexually intimate after being on Lamictal for a prolonged period of time? I’m taking 300mg a day. It helps stabilize my mood for the most part, but now I have literally no desire to have sex or get near people. I do not watch pornography nor do I masturbate. I wonder if I am just realizing that I could be potentially asexual, or repulsed by my past acts of hypersexuality when my condition was going untreated??",Bipolar +45755,"Finally found the right medication cocktail ?? I'm so happy and I just wanted to share. After years of misdiagnoses and bad meds, I finally found the right ones! I feel like myself again! It has effected my sex drive but I'm working on that. But all and all I feel stable and happy! I wish the best for all of you and don't give up! So the right combo is out there for you! #stopthestigma",Bipolar +45756,"Lamictal, Dry scalp and eyebrows. I have been on lamictal for a while now, and I have been doing research, I have bowl diseases, and possibly Spondylosis. There is a gene, HLA-b17, which can cause some of this and if you are positive for that gene, it is possible to have an adverse reaction!! Anyone else know of or have this gene, or take lamicital and have really dry skin on scalp, eyebrows and face so I know I'm not alone?? :/",Bipolar +45757,"Getting really hyperactive when 'manic'? Let me first say I'm not officially diagnosed with bipolar and idk if I'm posting on the right place, I'm diagnosed with several things but mainly BPD. Psych says I likely have fast cycling bipolar type 1 and I guess I'm not diagnosed because she's focusing on my BPD first. I've had a really destructive psychotic manic/mixed(?) phase that made me drop out and get hospitalized last year + +I don't know whether I should be calling this manic, since I don't know whether its from BPD or my possible bipolar. But when I get manic I get extremely hyperactive next to the usual mania symptoms, my friend just asked if I was on cocaine. I talk like crazy, constantly shaking, twitchy. Its so weird. I'm just sitting here in front of my desk, legs shaking, eyes barely blinking. I feel so amazing yet scared, I'm about to go run to maybe calm down and get some weed + +I've had these moods for years. Usually these moods last from about a day to 2 weeks. They probably last longer, but turn more into an irritated mood. I am medicated, I'm on seroquel and while it helps me a lot it doesn't get rid of this. Sorry if this post is all over the place, I'm really not thinking straight",Bipolar +45758,"My school’s disability resources is being a butt and I don’t have the energy to self advocate After a decade of dealing with mental health professionals, I’ve learned how to be my own self advocate. There were times when I felt my pdoc was dismissive and I had to stand up for myself to make myself heard. It can be so hard because in the end they’re usually just trying to help and I feel bad for being almost confrontational. I’ve learned what situations you should badger an office and when you shouldn’t. This is the shit you learn when you deal with this bullshit disease. + +And I need to badger my school’s DR right now. For some reason they haven’t granted me excused absences (which I had no issue getting at previous institutions) and those are so much more important than getting extended testing time... + +And I know how it looks. I KNOW. It looks like I want a legitimate way to slack off, but that isn’t what happens. I did my best to not abuse those previous accommodations because they were my saving grace at the end of the semester. I’m not completely incompetent. I can follow the syllabus, text classmates, and do my best to keep up with the class materials. But sometimes I just cannot leave my bed. + +So much has gone wrong this past month. Life has just taken a huge shit on me at the beginning of this semester and I need help. I have an established relationship with a psychiatrist in this new town, but I need a therapist. She gave me a list and I’ve been playing phone tag with her top recommendation and I just *can’t* anymore. I don’t have the energy. I’m here by myself, away from family, freaked out by my creepy neighbors, and just struggling in general. + +The only two things I can focus on are my schoolwork and taking care of my dog. And everyday I feel like I’m failing at even that. My house is a mess. I’m a mess. My eating habits are horrible. I feel the temptation of hard alcohol everyday... so I binge eat then starve then binge. Luckily my alcohol consumption hasn’t gotten out of control, tho I am planning on cutting it out completely again. + +I thought discussion questions were due at midnight on Sunday’s, but they’re due at 8 pm. I had confused between two different class’s deadlines. My prof has been so understanding but god I need to show I’m not trying take advantage of any slack she has given me. She’s been so great at balancing having compassion but not coddling me. I really like her. + +And I’m just asking for this one thing from my school. Their department is a fucking mess. My psychiatrist had dealt with them before and said she needs to be contacted by them first before writing any sort of letters detailing why I need this accommodation. I told this to the DR but they insisted that wasn’t the case. So I call my psychiatrist and she insisted that that’s how it’s always been and won’t write anything until she’s contacted by them. Then my assigned counselor sent me a passive aggressive email that the recommendation I had sent in did not explain why I needed an ESA. Shit lady, I was not asking for a fucking emotional support animal! Get your fucking shit together. + +Family connections can be great tho, my mother works at the university and knows the chair or director or what fucking ever of the DR and insists that I call him and go over the counselor’s head. But god I just do not have the energy. + +I don’t have the energy for any of this. Sometimes I wish I was still a minor so my mom could just make my appts for me. For the first time in years I just want my mom to take care of me like she used to. I don’t want to be responsible for dealing with this shit. + +I’m being kept awake by my racing heart rate being brought on by my anxiety. I’m all out of clonazepam until at least Wednesday. I had two beers left over and self medicated just to calm down a little, but when I lay my head down all I can hear is my racing heart. + +I need help. I know how to ask for it. Where to find it. But god I just don’t have the energy... The short days are even harder to deal with here due to the fucking freezing temperatures. Everything is so much harder when it’s this cold. + +I’m just in this stupid self pity party where I’m just asking “why me????” + +I’m really sorry for the length. I just don’t have anywhere to turn right now. ",Bipolar +45759,"Full imagined world's/ excessive daydreaming Does anyone else spend an extortionate amount of time in your own head? I am a notorious daydreamer, I have very complex scenarios set up in my head and I can drift into them for hours at a time. Does anyone else have this? I feel like a weirdo haha",Bipolar +45760,"Relationships coming and going with the cycles (x-post from r/bipolar) +*First off, this is a cross post from r/bipolar and I hope that’s allowed! If not, please remove!* + + +Do any of you feel like your interest in relationships comes and goes with your mood swings? I am shit at maintaining (romantic) relationships. It’s like my feelings for a person are *completely* out of my control. I’ll start dating someone new usually when I’m manic, and I’ll be borderline obsessed with them, and then my depression hits and BAM, time to dump them! Suddenly I don’t care about them at all anymore, and that scares me because of course they’re lovely people who have shared in great times with me. But suddenly I don’t want anything to do with them, get out of my life please, thank you. + + +I have managed to retain friendships with a few of these people, but the others I pretty much just booted from my life, and they were completely blind-sighted and hurt. I feel awful for doing this, but it’s like I can’t stop, and every time I date someone new I think, *maybe this time I won’t do it.* + + +My friends and family don’t take me seriously at all anymore. If I mention someone I’m seeing they make comments like, “Yeah, we’ll see how long this one lasts haha.” One friend even told me I should just stop dating altogether! I don’t want to give up on having meaningful romantic relationships in my life! I am human. But I feel like a complete joke. It doesn’t help that I’m prone to rapid cycling so these relationships can be anywhere from a few weeks to a couple months. I go through long periods of staying single and having zero interest in romantic relationships (usually when I’m depressed, but not exclusively - I’ve just never been very relationship-oriented), but a huge part of my mania manifests as uncontrollable sexual appetite, so I always end up dating around at that point. + + +It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I need a disclaimer when I enter into a new relationship! I’ve tried gently telling people that I’m a bit flighty but then they’re constantly waiting for me to leave and that doesn’t really seem productive either. I’m just tired of hurting people and repeating this cycle, but I don’t want to just give up on dating altogether. Anyone else? Am I alone here? None of my friends understand why I’m like this and I feel I have nobody I can talk to about it.",Bipolar +45761,"Is lithium *making* me manic or did I forget what good feels like? I have a new doc, and at the same time, new insurance that won't cover Latuda. My old doc hadn't tried lithium for whatever reason, so this new doc is giving it a shot. I'm on a super low dose and while I titrate off the Latuda, he's going to raise it in small increments. + +And I feel great! I'd been in a depressive episode for two weeks and that is out the window. I've been more productive this week than the past two months. I have a renewed sense of energy and positivity, and somehow am less anxious too. + +Am I overreacting? Or is this the start of mania? The thing that's got me a little bugged out is that while I used to wake up groggy and hating the world, I've woken up before my alarm clock went off. Last night, I got an hour less sleep and felt like a million bucks today. + +Also unrelated, but what do you lithium folks do about pain? I used to take 800mg ibprofen for my migraine and now I can't. Tylenol has done jack all for me in the past.",Bipolar +45762,"Newly Diagnosed and Drugged Hi there, I was recently diagnosed with BP II. This is all very new to me. All my life my doctors bounced me around treatments for anxiety, ADHD, and depression without any real results. The worst of these was a doc in college who insisted I needed to take high-dose Adderall which turned me into a 95 pound skeleton of a crackhead. Depression meds made me a zombie. + +My psychiatrist now is (sort of) working in conjunction with my therapist. I say sort of because after therapist sent me to psych for treatment for ""mood disorder"", he prescribed for ADHD. I wasn't really surprised, but had tried to explain to him in office that I was a hot mess because I was travelling across the country the next day, and that I was nervous because it was my first time meeting him. Of course I couldn't concentrate and was fidgety and talking fast. :\ + +Anyway, those meds made me feel awful, so after taking them for a month, I stopped. Yesterday he prescribed Lamictal, and today is my first day taking it. What can I expect? how has it helped any of you? Were the side effects bad? I am also taking Trazodone, given to me by my primary doc for sleep issues. Psych upped the dose of Trazodone to 100 mg and gave me a starter dose of 25 mg Lamictal, to be increased over the next few weeks.",Bipolar +45763,"I signed up for therapy, but... My psychiatrist is almost 200 km away. + + + To put it in context, I live in the Philippines. It's an archipelago of over 7,500 islands. One of these islands is called Cebu. Cebu is where my family is based right now. I am currently studying in Panay Island, in the province of Iloilo. + +I don't know why I got a psychiatrist from so far away! Is it because I don't want my peers to know that I'm so broken that I need therapy? Is it because I don't want my already fucked up reputation to be worse? + +I will never know. One thing's for sure. I just my peers never find out. People here are judgmental. + +thank you for reading. I just needed to let it out. + +Also, if anyone needs someone to talk to, my inbox is always open. + +All my love and hugs, +SpellTheTea",Bipolar +45764,Donald trump news conference Anyone just watch this live? Pretty sure he was referring to mentally ill as sickos and that we need to be institutionalized ????????? wtf? ,Bipolar +45765,"Help with coping (xpost from r/cyclothymia) Hey guys, + +First time posting! Anyway. For reference, I’m 23 and female, married, and a first time mom. My baby girl is 8 weeks old, and was 4 weeks premature. We spent six days in NICU, then 2 weeks later we were in the hospital with RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) for two weeks. I’m diagnose cyclothymic and have been for a year and a month after being misdiagnosed major depressive the year before. I’m on Lexapro and Lamictal and have been since January 2017, and I’m still struggling with a lot of rapid cycling and mental trauma from past experiences...now we have to add my daughter almost dying in my arms from not being able to breathe. + +Now that that’s out of the way, I need advice. I can’t get back to my therapist until April, and I can’t change medications because I’m breastfeeding. I had high anxiety during pregnancy, and the anxiety has lingered, along with deepening depressive episodes partially due to loneliness and postpartum. I’m in school (online) for digital media design, and I’m trying to get a job working at home. My husband works as a teacher at a school 35 minutes away, so we don’t see him until later in the evenings. + +Anybody have any ideas for how to manage the depression and cycling until April? I have self-destructive tendencies (self-harm, food issues, etc), and am trying to avoid falling back into those habits. I’m open to nearly anything - I’m a Christian, but I’m open to almost anything. Links appreciated too. Thanks!",Bipolar +45766,"Essay about living with a mental illness Deborah Danner was killed by police in New York City. She was a woman living with Schizophrenia. She was intelligent and insightful. Although she did not have bi-polar disorder, I think this essay about living with mental illness is appropriate for this subreddit. + +https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/10/19/nyregion/document-Living-With-Schizophrenia-by-Deborah-Danner.html",Bipolar +45767,"Major study ""the debate is settled - anti depressants do work"" ""Scientists say they have settled one of medicine's biggest debates after a huge study found that anti-depressants work. + +The study, which analysed data from 522 trials involving 116,477 people, found 21 common anti-depressants were all more effective at reducing symptoms of acute depression than dummy pills. + +But it also showed big differences in how effective each drug is."" + +Major takeaways: + +EDIT: Anti depressants do work better than placebos for most people but their effectiveness varies. + +More people could be helped by anti-depressants. + +Anti depressants don't work for everyone. + +EDIT: Please note as u/thatonejessica rightly pointed out the study ""excluded trials that included 20% or more of participants with bipolar disorder"". + +The study has been published in the Lancet and you can find out more in this article from the BBC + +http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-43143889",Bipolar +45768,"Recently diagnosed with 2, not sure what this means I've kind of known I was bipolar (or had some underlying issue) since my mother was bipolar and I tend to have reactions like her. But I don't really know the difference between one and two or what bipolar really is. + +I was always diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I thought that I had depersonalization along with it and it was just not an issue to the psychiatrist. + +I guess my questions are, what is bipolar disorder? Does this include depersonalization? Does this mean that emotions are all over the place and sporadic? + +I am currently on Lamotrigine and Zoloft, any good experiences with that? Hoping it takes affect soon since I've been really manic and depressed at the same time.",Bipolar +45769,"Can I take Seroquel with Theraflu? I take 25 mg of Seroquel as sleeping pill every night. Just wondering if a can take one packet of Theraflu with it, are there any drug interactions that I should be worried about? Im very cautious when mixed drugs. ",Bipolar +45770,"Lithium and loss of identity I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 just about two years ago now and have been on lithium since. I started at I think 600, then 900 after a few weeks, then 1050 a few months later and finally 1200 after my counts didn't come back after a rough bout of serotonin syndrome a year and a half ago. + +The changes were so slow that I didn't notice them until I went back and read posts I had made at the time. I've never really interacted with other bipolar people so I don't have much frame of reference, and I've been worrying lately that I might just be different now and I don't notice it (from either the lithium or the serotonin syndrome). It feels like the kind of thing that's impossible to know. I can't remember who I was six months ago, much less two years. + +I've had the intrusive thought of ""stop taking your meds they're bad for you and you don't like swallowing them"" and was hoping to reach out for some commentary one way or the other. I hope this makes sense/sounds familiar to someone at least. ",Bipolar +45771,"Saw a new psychiatrist, and I am livid First, sorry for formatting. I’m on mobile. + +So today I went and saw a new doctor, because I felt my last one wasn’t listening to what I was saying, and I left there feeling worse than when when I went in. I told her as much of my history as I could remember. Answered honestly all the questionnaires she handed me, told her about my trip to the hospital, even my recreational drug use. + +At the end she pretty much told me she didn’t believe me. She asked that when I see her again to bring in a family member so she can verify my behavior in the past. I wouldn’t mind that IF 1) I hadn’t been on different medications for over 6 years 2) if I hadn’t been diagnosed for over 4 years by 2 different doctors. She then took my regular prescription and said to take 1/3 of what I was taking, and no mood stabilizer. + +I can see if she was suspicious if I came in looking for harder medication, but she doesn’t even prescribe any of that! I don’t understand why she would completely invalidate my past history. I’m sorry this is so long I’m just in complete disbelief. ",Bipolar +45772,"Does this sound bi polar??? This all started last year when I started to feel really sad and depressed but here was no reason for it and then after six months I wouldn't feel it at all. I would feel like I'm on top of everything and I was doing really well in school. And now it kind of feels like it's happening again. But slowly creeping in on me. Like my grades are going down, I sleep more. I have become way more self-destructive and impulsive when it comes to my friendships and I can be just sitting at my computer looking at stuff and feeling content and instantly just go to sadness and pointlessness and the only way I feel like I can get rid of this is to go to sleep. Because when I wake up it's like my mood resets and I try to keep myself busy from my thoughts because they get really deep and depressive really fast. Does this sound like bi-polar or am I just over analyzing this?",Bipolar +45773,"Hypomania of spring,anyone? As temperatures are not so cold...with minor routine and daylight changes, this year I see my annual spring/summer hypomania craze coming soon. Anybody else? So far: + +-i am angry at everyone + +- i hate everyone. I think they are morons. Only i am right. I do my best not to insult anyone. + +- i am sleeping 4-5 hours instead of typical 8 + +- i just purchased 300 bucks of stuff from amazon and an online drawing course because i want to retake drawing and then maybe start playing the guitar again + + + +Edit: how i am handling it. I realize that I shouldnt just write about getting in the hole. + + +-Take my medication. If it gets worse then I will go to my doctor before the next checkup + +-exercise (kickboxing). + +-do my best to keep my mouth shut at work + +-think things through: there are better and worse people than I am. It is ok for everyone not to like me. I must be patient and grateful I have a job + +-im still working on sleep + +-get my salary, move 75 percent of it to another account so I dont see it on my checking account. Cook at home and do meal prep",Bipolar +45774,"i think this might be mania again and i'm scared i've been very stable for the last months and i'm on my medication but in the past few days i've been sleeping for 2-3 hours per night and even though it's not time enough to guarantee i'm having a manic episode i'm sure that it's not normal. this just can't be normal. i keep feeling a weird rush, my heart is racing all the time and i'm breathing fast even when i'm laying down. my head hurts a lot but when i drink coke it stops. today at my spanish class i thought my book was an ipad and started touching as if there were buttons and i was hearing the professor talking in french. i can barely talk coherently because there's too much in my mind and i forget things almost immediately. i've been studying obsessively lately to distract myself from how miserable my current life is and well it's been working so far but i also feel like i'm developing dementia as if my brain is not capable of storing so much information. holy shit this must be mania again.",Bipolar +45775,"I turn 21 tomorrow I turn 21 tomorrow. This summer will mark my 2nd year since diagnosis. Little about me. Had on and off depression throughout most of my childhood. Got through HS relatively unscathed. Went to college. Then shit just fell apart. Dropped out of college. Combination of financial stuff and mental health. Lost job after that. Got diagnosed(Bipolar 2). Long time Girlfriend left me shortly after that. Its been about a year and a half since that. 2015 and 2016 were fucking rough man. 2017 was ok. Barely though. I went to the hospital for depression when I was younger(like 6th grade). Havnt been back since. Ive come close to going back but I havnt yet. Im dreading tomorrow. Every year I do. Just another year that I really dont want to be here. Been changing meds lately which dosnt help. Idk man... + +TL;DR-Have bipolar 2. Am currently depressed. Turn 21 tomorrow. Dont want to be reminded of age since I dont really want to be alive to be quite frank. Will probably just play some PUBG and watch anime to get through the day tomorrow. Just wanted to rant I guess. Back to lurking.",Bipolar +45776,I hate being manic I don’t want to be around Anyone. I’m having early warning signs of mania and I feel obnoxious I feel really high key and I don’t want people to see me like this because it’s so unlike how I normally am. I live with my partner and I feel so guilty that they have to be subjected to me When I’m like this. I’m lucky enough to have a job where I’m able to hide it from my supervisors and I have no coworkers. My family will likely catch on soon. I just want to disappear until I feel normal again. ,Bipolar +45777,"Dx young as Bipolar. Worried about having kids. I would love to be a mother. I’m 27 and already know who I’m spending the rest of my life with. When his family makes comments like, “when are you going to have kids?!” I cringe internally. I can’t imagine going off my medication in order to have a child. I also have a career. The idea of tapering off my meds, which could render me as a potential harm to myself, is just not possible. Have any bipolar moms on here considered a surrogate? What was your experience like? Did you have children while on your medications? These questions keep me up at night. My fiancé is extremely supportive and even tells me it doesn’t matter even if we have to adopt. I want a child, but I just don’t know at what cost. ",Bipolar +45778,"(UK) Just been referred for assessment by my doctor as possibly bipolar. Does anyone know what will happen now? Will I have a telephone consultation then a meeting for an actual assessment. What is it like to live with bipolar disorder? Or bipolar 2 disorder? +I'm currently being treated for depression and anxiety and have previous alcohol issues. I don't think I am depressed though, although I have periods of depression. On reading about bipolar disorder I think it makes SO much sense as an explanation of my behaviour and feelings and my doctor agrees. +To make things much harder, we are leaving the area in 6 weeks or so and my referral will have to be transferred to the new place we're living, which might delay things. +My doctor warned me that a diagnosis isn't a quick fix 'medication sorted, now you're fine' sort of thing and I have to make changes to my life also to make myself happier and well, but this feels like a weird sort of relief.",Bipolar +45779,"Am i bipolar? ive got a doctors appointment booked but im so nervous im thinking about cancelling Ive recently been experiencing moods which could suggest i may be bipolar, even getting to the point where i almost ended a 13 year relationship with my BF (in which we have 3 children together) because I felt i didn't love him anymore, only to now fall madly and deeply back in love with him, this all happened in a matter of 2 months and i have had this cycling feeling for almost about 2 years now, but its seems like the moods are getting stronger and i am now acting on them. Ive been hiding my depressive moods from people so no one really knows whats going on only my BF, i now tell him everything im feeling which i think has helped massively so far and he is so supportive. +I also have rushing thoughts daily but ive just always put that down to that just being me, i just thought it was normal. +i can also have obsessive thoughts and this could be on a certain hobby or person (my BF) i will think about it all day long and my brain is hard to shut off at night sometimes. i always have to have the tv on to fall asleep to distract my brain. +i get rushes of creativity and productivity. i can be super excited and obsessive about a project/s only forget about them and almost never finish what i plan to do or have started. i end up losing all interest. +I find it hard to concentrate for too long and i get easily distracted and im very forgetful. + My BF made a doctors appointment for me (because i was to nervous that the receptionist might ask me what the problem was and i know i would have freaked out if she had asked me, and i don't know why) Now im really anxious about this appointment just incase i tell the doctor everything and hes gonna tell me im being too dramatic or maybe not even believe me. im having my BF come with me for support but i know im gonna get so nervous im not gonna be able to speak because i know im gonna forget all of this. +Any insight or advice i would be so grateful for. I have been doing some research on bipolar, in one respect i would feel really relieved if it is bipolar but then on the other hand its super scary to think i could have a mental disorder as i have been completely healthy all my life and never thought i would ever have something like this. +Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer some words of wisdom. +",Bipolar +45780,"How seriously do I take BP break up in non-communicative phase? SO (""A"") is BP2, rapid cycling, or maybe not. Dx is up in the air, but has been treating for that for 10 years. A is also currently treating for PTSD and has a bad case of seasonal affective disorder. + +One month ago, everything was fine. We were engaged, no issues, planning to leave the state and this bad climate/latitude in the spring. Then overnight, there was a sudden withdrawal of communication. This usually resolves in a few days. It didn't. A week ago, A told parents that we were moving together (we are LGBT, this was a big step.) + +Then I had a bad week and needed communication and it wasn't happening. I admit I called and texted more than I should have, but I've been supportive through MULTIPLE issues and haven't asked for a lot back. + +A responds that s/he wants to move to another state, on the other side of the country, not where I can readily work, but one state I can't really work in. Wants to stay friends. Which is not really possible right now, when all of my plans are being yanked out from under me. + +I don't know how seriously to take this. A claims to lose his/her mind here because of the winter every February. This one arrived right on schedule. Says is tired of being medicalized, but A doesn't work and is probably disabled because of multiple medical issues, which I have been doing my best to help with. Won't leave the house for more than a few hours. + +A says will think about it for a couple of weeks, rather than ending things right this minute. I don't think s/he means it right now. Meaning I don’t think there’s any real intent to stay with me. + +I'm being intentionally vague because I don't want any possible invasion of his/her privacy. But I'm tired, and I admit I'm having invasive thoughts of my own. Fellow BP travelers, how do I evaluate how serious this is? Should I assume I'm being discarded for no reason at all? What do I do? ",Bipolar +45781,"Polyamory Hope everyone is doing well. Was wondering if any of you have tried a polyamorous lifestyle and if so, what your experiences were. I've always wanted to but haven't ever jumped in. I've come far in learning how to live with BP II and am considering starting to pursue romance poly style. ",Bipolar +45782,"I had a rare win today. I’ve been considering getting a new car for a while, and recently I have been more and more obsessed and interested in it, even though it’s really not an immediate need. I was bored and had an abnormal amount of free time today and im trending towards manic so I found myself driving to the dealership just “look” at this one I really liked. I had a plan. I told the sales guy straight up when I got there, this is what I’ll pay, I’m not paying any money today other than a straight trade and increasing my payment. Okay cool we have an understanding. + +So I drive the car, it’s exactly what I thought it was and I really liked it. We go inside. I let him run my credit and talking about numbers. He comes back WAY more than what we already talked about, and wanting a bunch of money down. I was clear It was too much but I still let him run back and forth to “try something” and “see what we can do” and I even started agreeing to pass my boundaries and give them a down payment which would have really hurt our savings and put us in a bad financial situation. I called my dad and I called my husband and basically had them talking me off a ledge because I told myself a thousand times like a mantra “if it isn’t the right deal I’m not doing it.” After 3 hours of then trying hard to pressure me I just told them I am leaving right now give me my keys. I was shaking and so uncomfortable and I’m still surprised I got out of there without fucking myself financially. + + + +",Bipolar +45783,"What do mixed states feel like? I have had depression for a few years now, but I recently learned that I have been experiencing ""hypomania"" symptoms with my depression. I'm going to see my psychiatrist to see what she thinks but in the mean time I'd like to know of your experiences of mixed states. I feel hesitant because from what I've read my symptoms are a lot milder than what they were experiencing. Like I feel empty and it's hard to enjoy things but I also feel agitated and my mind jumps from idea to idea. I also feel very tired all the time but for some reason feel that I don't need to sleep. I have thoughts of feeling worthless and hating myself. Despite feeling empty all the time and feeling exhausted and that nothing brings me joy I get very creative and I have a bunch of ideas of all the things i want to do and feel like I have to do them. I also get frustrated and annoyed easily and feel talkative even though I think that people don't like me. I feel that it is useful for you to know that I have never experienced a hypomanic or manic episode. + +What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? What are your experiences with mixed states like?",Bipolar +45784,"creative work and getting way, way overly excited? So for years, because I haven't been able to do any normal job, I've been making creative projects at home as my ""job"". But I've always had extremely huge trouble actually getting creative work done, even though I'm never not extremely passionate about my projects, even when I'm really depressed. + +I'm now on Lamictal, and have been for a few months, and holy f'ing shit it makes such a huge different and I think it's going to save my entire future. One thing I wasn't expecting was that it's given me tons of insight into what feelings and levels of excitement and joy aren't actually normal, because I now barely ever get them totally randomly out of the blue (except when I was off the meds for a few days and it was... yeah). But obviously they're not 100% gone. + +So the point of the post is... +I'm realizing so much about why putting in the time to create things was always so difficult: because pretty much every single time I would then hypomanic-ish feelings would come up and it would make functioning so difficult. I would usually get so overstimulated I had to stop, or I'd keep going but then have a massive crash into depression a few days later, if I started working on something at night then instead of sleeping after I'd have to spend hours obsessing over how amazing the thing I'm making is. And I guess I knew this already, that this happens, but now it's like ""WOW SO THESE FEELINGS **AREN'T** NORMAL? NO WONDER THEY INCAPACITATED ME"". And because I'm more consciously aware of them, I've been trying to practice working on stuff WITHOUT getting sucked down the rabbit hole of having these intense feelings. And even on drugs that help, it's fucking difficult. I can do only an hour of being productive and then my mood and energy is just totally different afterwards and it's so exhausting, but stopping and trying to relax immediately helps me not spin into something for hours or days that leaves me completely drained. And also it's no fucking wonder that my anxiety around starting a work session never got better after years, because it could result in such intense draining awful things. + +So I'm wondering who here can relate? + +When I read about bipolar I don't see anything about how the uppy-feelings can be triggered so incredibly easily and consistently by one thing, which is why I didn't see things from this perspective before. But now that I don't really get those feelings randomly without reason since being on Lamictal, I see how abnormal they are and now recognize that's why other creative people are able to get so much done, because working on something creative for over an hour doesn't make life into the most exciting thing ever in the world. But even on pills I still get the feelings pretty much every time when working on anything I'm passionate about. So yeah, I dunno, hoping people can relate because I don't want to feel so alone and freakish and broken anymore.",Bipolar +45785,"Afraid of being a hypochondriac The title says a lot. I saw a comment a few days back saying people with bipolar tend to be hypochondriacs as well. My first reaction was, not me! Now I’m not so sure. + +I have a UTI with kidney pain. I know this because I have chronic UTIs and have for most of my adult life. I also have a bladder that has moved lower due to having four children. ANYHOW...I know the symptoms and I have been “waiting” to make sure it wasn’t in my head or simple dehydration before going to the doctor. Today is Saturday and thankfully his practice is open on weekends. I haven’t called yet, but I will when they open. The pain is worse this morning. + +And then I realized that every time I get a cold, I recheck the symptoms of the flu, pneumonia, etc. in order to rule those things out. + +If I get a rash, I will look up different rashes to make sure it’s not some flesh eating bacteria. I had shingles behind my knees last year and wrote it off as dermatitis and didn’t go to see my doctor until it hurt too much to walk. + +I guess I’m sort of the opposite. I try to rule out worse illnesses? But then I thought - hey, maybe that’s how you justify it, but you’re a hypochondriac silly. + +Except when it comes to UTIs. I know every symptom I’ve experienced. +",Bipolar +45786,"I’ve been drinking a lot lately and it’s definitely having an effect on me. Tonight I feel like self harming. I don’t think I will. But the urge is there and that makes me sad. I also just caught myself thinking “I wanna do something stupid, like climb on the roof of my apartment building.” + +Idk, feeling manic, but a medicated sort of manic so the urge is there but I won’t take the bait and it’s so frustrating. ",Bipolar +45787,"Omg I love Lithium I had the choice between Depakote and Lithium and I love it. I always had trouble concentrating and racing thoughts but now I can sing along to music, do my hw, and notice small things like micro expressions (just random things). I'm on 300 mg 3x a day, granted my lithium levels are at 0.4 but things are looking great so far. Almost no side effects other than dry skin, extreme thirst and tremors",Bipolar +45788,"Swelling on Zyprexa? Not sure if this is allowed, but curious about a side effect my wife is having. + +She's on 5mg Zyprexa for nausea related to her cancer. + +We've asked the doc already and waiting message back, but does anyone on Zyprexa seem to have a problem with swelling? Her ankles have started up a few days ago along with a few other symptoms, including bloating. + +A lot of the problems seem to hint towards water retention but wanted to know anyone had experience with this.",Bipolar +45789,"Alcohol causing instability? Does anyone else experience depression after drinking? Even if it’s only a beer or two? I recently stated clawing my way out of a bad depressive episode and was on a roll of 2 days pretty stable until I drank last night. I only had one beer, but it made me so tired I had to take a nap and then boom; wake up not feeling great. Ruined the rest of my night because I just lost all desire/pleasure from doing things. Now I feel this apathetic mild depression just sitting there today and am worried its going to stay for awhile. Do I need to just give up alcohol? ",Bipolar +45790,"Hypomania and self control I need help. I need help. I know I am the only one who is responsible for the behaviours I produce, I know I have to help myself, but I need help. + +I have the opportunity of my life, to enter a training that might lead to employment with a big software company, it is something that I never did before, I am excited and have big ambitions. Not to be the CEO, lol, just to follow my dreams in an environment that is beneficial for me intelectually. + +But then again, I took the interview when I was on the low phase, and now the excitement has triggered my hypomania. I am a different person, to say so, from the one who applied. I am afraid they will realize I am mentally ill, unstable and possibly a liability for the company. I hope I am not a liability, but I feel like it when I take bad decisions because I am hypomanic, when I can't express myself clearly for the same reasons, when I do weird things, etc. + +Tomorrow is my first day of training. I am pondering if I should double my antipsychotic dose (got approval to do it when I am not well, from my pdoc) or just go there as I am and deal with my mood, stay focused no matter how much effort that takes. + +I need to be stronger than I think I ever was. More disciplined than I honestly think it is possible for me. I just met my own limits and I am so very scared.",Bipolar +45791,"Alternatives to Lamictal Hi guys. I have bipolar 2. I’ve been on Lamictal for about three years I think. But I think it’s giving me a rash. I have eczema so it’s hard to tell. My dermatologist took a biopsy to see if the rash is being caused by the med. Meanwhile, I’m kind of a mess. I’m gonna need a mood stabilizer. I talked to my psychiatrist today (on a Saturday)-called and left a msg and she called me back. She’s going to see me tomorrow (yes, on a Sunday!) at no charge. She asked me if I had ever been on Depakote. I have not. She wants to try that, for now. I should get the results of the biopsy by the end of next week. + +Have any of you with bipolar 2 ever taken Depakote?",Bipolar +45792,"Getting out of the house while feeling like shit Had grocery shopping to do..one of my least favorite things when I'm depressed. I pulled into a dollar store parking lot spot and noticed a car behind me wanting *me* to pull forward into the spot ahead of me (making my car backwards) so they could pull in and have my primo spot. I was parked correctly, already parked and I wasn't going to pull forward. The lady sat there for 4 mins waiting for me. She finally sped off and went around the parking lot to the other side to pull into the spot she wanted me to go in and gave me the meanest glare. At this point my adrenaline kicked in and I gave her a thumbs up with a huge grin. I don't have time for weird shit and I'm not going to let someone bully out of my spot. But anyway, she waited in her car for me to get out. She was twice my size and looked like she was going to kill me. Needless to I stayed in the car and ended up leaving because I didn't need a scene in front of my kids or harm done. The adrenaline on the other hand has kicked off a good sensation and for the time today I don't feel sad. Thank you scary lady for the uplift. ",Bipolar +45793,"Seeing my therapist makes me feel like crap on a regular basis This is my DBT therapist. I dread going to see him. I want to quit gracefully. Any advice? + +Edit: I already have another therapist lined up. I'm not quitting therapy. Just don't want to see this therapist/do this type of therapy anymore.",Bipolar +45794,"Just had worst case scenario with Topiramate do yourself a favor don’t take take it I’m now tapering off and I can’t believe I’m still alive. The last 4 weeks of being on this drug I can only describe as trauma (actual PTSD nausea inducing flashbacks) and it makes me queasy even to write. It’s therapeutic to rant but mostly I’m just so frightened to try any other drug ever again. It made me aggressively suicidal, (if anyone is thinking of trying this drug and wants more details ama) I’ve already been on the basics I feel lithium, seroquel, lamictal, saphris. Lithium I was on for many yrs and was ok but then something changed. I kinda just wanna try just not being sedated I’ve had a few windows now between drugs and now that I’ve been to literal hell and back on this drug I feel I have this new found grit. Do you guys have any different drug recommendations? Or how do you get the courage to try another one? Any one have any success going drug free after lithium? ",Bipolar +45795,Bipolar friends I have no bipolar friends in real life (just a few family members who are usually unstable and I tend to distance myself). I honestly feel it could be destructive to my own stability so I tend to be OK with it. But at times I do think it would be nice to have someone I can talk to that really gets what I go through. What are everyone's thoughts on this?,Bipolar +45796,"Seroquil did not do it at all, and I don't know about this Tegridol stuff either? Was on seroquil 150 mg extended release at night, got better but it made me sleep like a person after a week long meth binge every single night. Not to mention I gained a hefty 30 lbs in 3 months. Now I am on Tegridol but day to day I shift from completely stable to racing thoughts. Extreme confidence to loss of it all. What worked for you guys? I am not sure if I need to up my dosage of Tegridol, but I don't want to start sleeping 16 hours a day again either.",Bipolar +45797,"I'm an idiot, and I am pretty sure I've become a burden Long story short at the beginning of this year I went inpatient (I didn't know I was bipolar) because I wanted to kill myself. Over the course of the past two months, I have been forced to resign from my work. I wasn't stable and did not have enough FMLA time. I broke it off with my boyfriend (I realized after four years he was mildly emotionally abusive) and I am currently cat sitting for a friend, but I have been here since mid-January. +I feel like I have way overstayed my welcome here. I was going to go a couple of hours back to my original city and stay with a friend. I think I got confused and she got upset and felt her boundaries were broken about me staying too much. I feel like an asshole. I feel like I probably just lost a friend and I didn't mean to overstep. I let her know I meant no harm and I thanked her for her help and wished her a good night. I hate this illness. +I am going to be flying out to my brother's on the 12th to be with his family that isn't triggering, stabilize, and get ready to come back and move in with my best friend once I find work. I have a couple of friends I am staying with a couple of days before I fly out, but for that first two days, I think I will just sleep in my car. I feel like a complete loser. I feel worthless. I don't want people to think I am using them. I'd rather curl up in my car than lose my friends. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to be dead.",Bipolar +45798,"Depression Craving Mania a poem by me I try not to listen to my brain +Telling me to bring on the pain +It’s like living in constant rain +Maybe I just need a little cocaine +Anything to bring back my reign +Everything is just so plain +I question wether I’m sane +I’m stuck but not in chains +It’s more like I’m trapped in a train +Going nowhere driving me insane +It’s rather difficult to explain +Please just bring back my reign",Bipolar +45799,"Bipolar II, weaning off of Klonopin. Hi all. I was diagnosed with BP II disorder in August of 2013. My doctor initially put me on a regimen of Trileptal (300mg, 2x a day). This did nothing to help my depression, but helped me avoid instances of hypomanic. + +After a very failed experiment with Zoloft in late 2016, we settled on Wellbutrin SR 150mg which, while it has helped my depression, supposedly had the tendency to increase my anxiety. I would not have initially known, however, because I was also taking 1mg of Klonopin per day. + +Fast forward to October of 2017, at which time my doctor told me that he wanted to wean me off the Klonopin because extended use can cause cognitive impairment...which I was initially unaware of. + +After weaning myself down over many months to a quarter pill in the morning, and a quarter pill at night, I have found this dosage to be completely ineffective as to my anxiety. I have a very stressful job, which does not help matters at all. To make matters worse, my psychiatrist has effectively retired, and I have to begin seeing a new but, from what I hear, very competent psychiatrist in mid-March. + +I don’t know if this is relevant, but I have also been sober for six years. + +I know that every person is different, but what non-benzodiazepine based medication have you taken to assist with your anxiety? Bear in mind that experiments with SSRIs have been a complete failure in the past. + +I am home from work today for the second day in a row, which is causing me to feel extreme guilt for a variety of reasons. + +Thanks in advance for your help, and I hope that you’re all having a good day.",Bipolar +45800,"I feel ashamed about the dumb stuff I said whilst hypomanic So I am in a hypomanic episode and looking back on the things I said and did, I feel so embarrassed. +My parents are away so only my maid was there and I still managed to tell her weird secrets and proceeded to show her all my dumb drawings of my imaginary boyfriend as well as showing her all the shows (not really a show but a game that has many stories) that I watch and pointing out which guy I’m in love with. +I have no clue why I done this! I feel deeply ashamed for doing this and revealing personal secrets. I also yelled at my grandma (she did deserve it but I should have just hanged up the call), complained about my mum and stepdad to my maid, grandpa, grandma and (biological) father. + +I also went and bought lots of random cooking stuff and makeup that doesn’t suit me, so now I have to return it. And I bought 3 bags of cereal. I am not even allowed cereal by mum. No clue why I bought it. So yeah... + +P.S. For any people who are going to be like “go get a diagnosis and meds and this wont happen” : I don’t want to right now. I have nothing to gain from **just** getting diagnosed, and while I do want meds one day, I will wait until I have kids, because I don’t want to take pills when I’m pregnant, and apparently withdrawal symptoms are horrible. Also I’m scared of the side effect of gaining weight. + +What’s the weirdest/most embarrassing/most regrettable thing you did when (hypo)manic? Did you apologise/explain afterwards that you had bipolar?",Bipolar +45801,"The Lithium struggle bus I have fluctu-weighted many times in my life, but I was by far the fattest towards the end of 2017. I've been steadily shedding pounds but a couple of weeks ago I started taking Lithium again. And while it's helped the mania, as of yesterday I've entered a new world of despair about my body: +So this past weekend I suddenly put on (at least) 10 pounds of water weight after binge eating socially and consuming hella sodium (I wish I could sue myself). I was also dehydrated because I'd been vomiting from the startup. My body quickly blew up like a balloon, my favorite sweatpants even became tight. I was uncomfortably bloated all over (I think the more fat you have, the more water you retain). Including my face-- which felt heavy & the bags under my eyes were dark as hell. +So last night I drank a LOT of water, thinking that would fix it. But it only made everything worse. I peed ~10,000 times then went to bed. This morning I woke up and was pleasantly surprised with how tiny I looked. However, then I realized that my boobs looked different. They're still heavy, but squishier and hang a little lower. And my stomach is squishier. I can barely feel fingers against my skin now. My face has more wrinkles, my neck/chin curve feels loose. I feel like I've aged years overnight. +I fluctuated a net amount of at least 20 pounds in 2 short days, quickly up then back down. And now my skin is stretched too big for my body!?? If it is this loose already, I'm terrified to keep losing weight. I know it happened so fast. Freshman + sophomore year I was so thin and beautiful and taut. :( Im a senior now, so I was already feeling shitty before this happened. Feels like I've lost myself. Who is this bitch in the mirror with the body of a postpartum mother of quintuplets....???? I've never come close to having a kid, let alone 5. Yet here I am. And I don't know if I should try to fill back out a lil or what? +Or does anyone have experience like this? I'm in despair.",Bipolar +45802,"Back to the psychiatrist... I sat in the parking lot outside of work today and finally made another appointment with my psychiatrist after three months of quitting medication. I'm so tired of feeling depressed and *angry* and nauseous and paranoid. I'm in a mixed episode and my method of keeping my head down and waiting it out isn't working well for me. + +Music sounds strange. Voices and lights are overwhelming. Road rage spills out of me and I'm horrified but unable to stop...and when I'm not behind the wheel my feet drag, I have trouble focusing, every small task a huge ordeal. I haven't cooked in weeks -- I'm either overeating or not eating at all -- and I'm spending way too much money on delivery and drive-thru's. I'm anxious and irritable and bitter and hopeless and yet I know, logically, that I have no reason to feel this way. + +I was on medication for six months before I stopped taking everything cold turkey. The lamotragine and wellbutrin had helped a lot at first when I was in a similar state last spring, but I wasn't convinced that I needed them anymore (or that my bipolar diagnosis was even accurate) and I was a couple of weeks away from losing my insurance indefinitely. + +It's been a whirlwind of a winter. I went through it all: + +Euphoric hypomania around the holidays. Huge spending, not sleeping or eating, hanging out with everybody, falling in love, lots of drinking and partying and being merry. I could so easily sink karaoke in front of hundreds of my coworkers at the holiday party or confess my love for my best friend or *be curiously spontaneous*. + +Followed by a crash. Depression. Self medicating. Waking up with a feeling of dread. Not wanting to leave the house, go to work, get out of bed. I quit my food industry job, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped replying to texts and calls. + +Started feeling better for a week or two before *bam* here we are. Mixed episode. + +I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I don't want to be on medication or accept that I have bipolar, but I'm willing to try if it gets me out of this horribly distressing mess. I don't know where to start except to post here and not be in the dark about what I've been going through these past few months (as well as the past decade). And I'm fortunate to have a wonderful psychiatrist. It helps with going back. + +Words of encouragement needed.",Bipolar +45803,Talk Space Have any of you tried it?,Bipolar +45804,"Experiences with Lithium? My doctor prescribed me lithium 300mg ER twice a day. I have been extremely reluctant to start the medicine because of the dumbest reason ever, the notorious weight gain. +I take care of myself pretty well with the exception of a few beers every other weekend or so (definitely nowhere near drunk). I go to the gym 4-5 days a week and eat relatively healthy. I just recently lost a few pounds, and am still trying to lose more (personal preference, I'm a healthy weight). I drink probably around 10 glasses of water a day. Does anyone have experience with weight gain on the med? I read online that part of it can be attributed to an increase in sugary drinks to accommodate the extreme thirst, but I only drink water with a cup or two of coffee/tea in the mix. +I'm pretty nervous, I know that the good outweighs the bad 10 fold, but weight gain is not something that I would take well.",Bipolar +45805,"The young and the manic Does anybody else feel like going manic has ruined their life? And more important, if you have felt that, how have you continued onward when it feels like it has?",Bipolar +45806,"Trump and general rhetoric around the mentally ill is turning me into a paranoid... well... crazy person People talking aboit bring back the age of involuntary long term commitment and how dangerous we all are is driving me nuts. I know that it's unlikely Republicans would ever get around to actually doing anything because it would require a shit ton of money to bring back asylums, but it's just making the stigma so much worse. I'm in training to become a teacher and I'm terrified of the day they decide people with bipolar disorder aren't safe around kids. Anyone else feeling the stigma especially bad right now? What are you doing to try to stay calm and carry on?",Bipolar +45807,"My new psychiatrist doesn't agree with my current diagnosis Starting in 2009 (age 17), I had increasingly awful depression, reaching a peak in late 2014 (age 22), when I checked myself into hospital for 5 days outpatient then 7 days inpatient. After this, my meds were switched from Paxil and Abilify to Effexor XR. In early 2017 (age 24), after gradually increasing the Effexor, I was bumped to 225mg a day. This sent me into a hypo manic episode for a week until I dropped it back to 150mg. My body couldn't keep up with my mind, I had no filter, and I did things without thinking. + +This lead to my psych to change my diagnosis from Major Depressive Disorder to Bipolar Disorder Type 2, rapid cycling, as we believed that this wouldn't have happened if I didn't have bipolar, paired with how I had described my depressive episodes as wave-like/ebbing and growing for years. I added on lithium 300mg 2xday at this time. + +Now I'm in a new state and have a new psych (age 25). I went to her last week for Rx refills and because I had the worst short-term depression in years. I couldn't work or even get out of bed for 5 days. +She says the the Effexor Lithium combo seems to have helped with some issues (anxiety, bulimia, self-harm), but isn't doing enough for the depression. She upped my Lithium to 300mg 3xday and is seeing me March 13th. Her main issue is that I don't have any issues with sleep during my ""up"" periods. I sleep normally. When I'm depressed, I sleep a lot more and have trouble getting up in the morning. + +What my issue is: If I don't have bipolar, what are the other possible disorders I could have? What runs similarly to bipolar but isn't? Is there such thing as cyclical depression? If I don't have bipolar, what the hell was that episode in early 2017? +(I asked my new psych something like this when I saw her, but she didn't have an answer for me, just shrugged it off...) + +**I'm not asking that you diagnose me, just what is similar to bipolar** + +Edit: added info",Bipolar +45808,"Hypomania and Hypersexuality Bit of a controversial confession so ask me anything... + +Im female in my 30's, married, with children. +Home and business owner. +I have been with my husband a good decade long and have been married a couple of years. + +I struggle with bipolar affective disorder type 2 with ultra rapid cycling. +I get depressive low periods. I also get hypomanic, and when I do, I get extreme hypersexual symptoms that I act on, as I haven't found a means to curb the extreme intensity of it yet. + +I've had a few extra curricular affairs. +But I have also been having an affair with my ex boyfriend that has lasted years. +Due to my condition I am a bit of a flake. +When I'm hypomanic I feel like can't breathe without him, the inner most part of my soul +Craves him. But when I'm depressive I don't want a bar of him. + +My husband has no idea about who I really am or what I'm really like. + +Anyone else been in a similar situation? +I live in 2 different worlds. + +And yes I am medicated. +Lamotrigine +Sertraline +Quetiapine + + +",Bipolar +45809,"I don’t know how to help my bipolar son. My son suffers from bipolar among other things. I have it too, but mine is much more mild, I think mine is the Cyclothymic one, however, his is Bipolar I. +This week he has had a manic episode, and somehow he is convinced that he needs to fly across the world to “save” his friend from Terrorists. In reality, his friend is on vacation and just has very bad signal so can’t be in touch. He is 16, but stole my credit card to buy tickets, got his passport and is planning on leaving. + When I tried to talk to him, he was convinced that I’m with the “terrorists” that kidnapped his friend. His friend is an adult lady who was his caretaker for a while. I have no clue what to do. He won’t speak to me anymore because I’m evil. He won’t take meds either because he thinks they are poison. He has dropped out of school two years ago and stays at home. I don’t want him to have a record so I don’t want to get the police involved. He doesn’t have a doctor (he got a diagnosis from one but haven’t seen her since). Apparently doctors are evil too. I have no idea what to do.",Bipolar +45810,"Does anyone have a good recommendation for a mood tracking app/website? My new psychiatrist and I are working on tapering some of my medications down from years with other doctors. I've been weaned off one with good results, and he suggested a slight decrease in my lithium. I'm all for the change, but I really want to go a mood tracking app/website between now and my next appointment in a few months so I know for sure I'm making the right choice. + +I'd like to find one where I can write a brief synopsis of my day (stressors, good things, what happened), combine it with period tracking, and maybe a rating of my day, like 4 out of 5 stars kind of thing. And hopefully be able to see a graph over time. + +This may be asking a lot, but I only see print out stuff or simple day ratings. Thank you in advance.",Bipolar +45811,"Bipolar II; I just went through my third extreme manic phase ever Some background: I was in and out of the ER in January, four times within two weeks, because of some undiagnosed pain I had mistaken for a ruptured appendix. I don’t know if it was all the pain meds or weird sleep schedule or what, but right after the last visit I was thrust into a manic phase (I guess just a really major, extended hypomania technically) for the third time in my life. When I was young, my bipolar II was misdiagnosed as depression because the hypomanic phases were not so pronounced, and I was on Vyvanse for ADHD the same time as my antidepressants. It was about 3 weeks of minimal sleep, maximum spending, obnoxious/incoherent rants on social media, questionable fashion choices, etc. This morning I woke up and immediately could tell I’m crashing. This is the hardest my depression has hit me in a really long time, thanks to the contrast of the hypomania. I guess I just wanted to vent. I don’t have a therapist anymore and my mom doesn’t understand the depth of what manic phases are. She thinks it’s just not being tired and talking faster than usual.",Bipolar +45812,"Has anyone here had any experience with legally taking time off high school? Hello everyone! I'm a high school student who was a month ago diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'd been having depressive episodes for about a year, and a month and a half ago started experiencing manic episodes as well, which was the reason why I decided to see a doctor. I'm still very early in my treatment, don't yet have a psychiatrist and won't for another month or two (thanks, American health insurance) and I've been having a really hard time coping. I've always been a very high achieving student, getting straight A's every semester, and doing my best not to miss school. This year, however, has been different. Due to my Bipolar Disorder, I've now missed a month of school, have had to drop 3 classes, and I really don't know what to do at this point. My mental health takes top priority, so I am certainly not planning on sacrificing my health and safety for school. I'm feeling really hopeless and lost, and balancing school, work, and my illness just isn't possible anymore. I plan on going to college next year, but I'm afraid that my absences and now failing grades are going to affect my ability to get scholarships. I really just need to take this year off without ""dropping-out"", so I can get the help I need. I was wondering if anyone here has any advice or similar experiences. I live in New York in case that matters. Sorry for the wall of text.",Bipolar +45813,"Exhausted I just found this Subreddit and honestly it’s good to see similar people as me, anyway, does anyone else feel really tired for anticipating the next low or high, like, I just want a break, but I’m always just waiting for the next time it changes",Bipolar +45814,"Here we go again; My therapist said I was hypomanic yesterday I don't know why she says this, as I've been feeling stable as ever lately. I am having some sleep troubles, yes, but I'm not feeling sped up or anything. I suppose I have been engaging in some reckless spending and ""grandiose goal-directed behavior"" but that's about it. + +I mean, it's possible, but I'm not getting the buzzing I usually do when I'm hypo. Is it possible to be hypomanic and not be aware of it? I usually am which is the strange thing. ",Bipolar +45815,"BiPolar ExPress Hey guys and gals, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar. So I decided to make a YouTube channel dedicated to helping End the Stigma on Mental health. I'm new here and just wanted to say I have some videos about my life with Bipolar along with some informative mental health ones too. I'm hoping these videos reach people that really need it. There's a lot more to come in the future. Thanks! check it out : https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCOxg3VI4OIV6cwGLAZcnDBg",Bipolar +45816,Anxiety! I have a psychiatry appointment in the morning with my new doctor. I haven't been on meds in a few months and I have never met the guy before. I'm so nervous that my stomach is in knots and I can't sleep. I've had three panic attacks today and its not getting any better. ,Bipolar +45817,"[Vent] It took me an hour and a half to get through 4 pages front/back I’m super frustrated and angry and depressed. No distractions besides my picking compulsion. An hour and a half and I have four more. And a 4 point quiz which for all of these are 20% of my grade and I’ve already bullshitted a decent amount on them and I need a 2.75GPA for my graduates program and I’m at a 2.5 with an F in Bio, two Cs, a B- which is easy to bring up and an A. My two good grades are artsy classes (art/piano). I have to retake bio if I fail it and can’t at least get it to a C, so theres a bunch of money burnt that I don’t have. It’ll take me two years to get licensed *after* graduates school. So fuck me. + +How am I supposed to study for a midterm, two exams, try to do fantastic in bio, read for my classes, do two papers (one with a presentation), practice for piano, eat, and shower. When it takes me an hour and a half just for four stupid points that add up that I’ve already burned a good bit because this takes too long. + +And because I need to try to get this done so I can have time for my other classes, fuck if I get tired of reading or frustrated because then I still have to come back and do it and I have even less time. So then I either angry walk for over an hour or I become a mess trying to get it done anyways. + +And I can’t take the easy way out and rip up my fucking arm because it’ll upset my boyfriend. + +God damn. + +Fuck college. + +I wanted to take my meds (seroquel) earlier so I’d sleep enough so I’m not half awake for class, but then I’m still leaving more work that’s just going to pile up. + +And then I’m supposed to be somehow working so I can eat more than two pizza slices a day. And don’t forget that stupid internship I need to have for a year so I don’t have my loans dropped on me before I’m all the way done because theres no fucking way I’m going to be able to pay $400+ a month. + +I’d of been better off at a dead end job. At least I could have afforded a small apartment with $9/hr in the city near my hometown. + +At least spring break is almost here so I can go back to a even more stressful environment.",Bipolar +45818,"Where and What next? Hi. I've had ongoing mental health problems for the past 20 years. For the bulk of it, it was assumed to be depression. I went from Effexor to something else and then to Citalopram. + +Recently...well over the past 8 years really, my behavior and moods have deteriorated. It destroyed two jobs and one long term relationship. I had a full psychotic breakdown complete with hallucinations over the weekend. That was my personal breaking point, where I was able to finally admit it could be more than depression. I went to the doctor that day rather than wait til monday like I planned. I am now on anti-psychotics and am waiting to hear back from a specialist, but based on everything he's heard, I most definitely have bipolar. + +My lover is no longer my lover. We had been together for many years. She says she still wants to be friends with me, but I do not believe she will be able to do so as I worry she won't ever be able to see past my behaviors while being improperly treated. I did not cheat on her, but I was verbally abusive, absurdly egotistical and prone to addiction and believing positively bonkers things. Now we're trying to move to separate places. I still love her, but I have to let go as I do not think she will ever feel positively towards me due to my actions or the fear that I might relapse while taking this new medication. + +My questions are as follows: + +* Work and Affording an apartment. How the heck do I do it? I'm working as a moving helper in Canada. That isn't exactly steady work here, but I hadn't been able to concentrate well enough for better previously. Can I apply for disability or some form of assistance while I adjust to the meds and new diagnosis, at least until I'm stable enough to work regularly to earn my rent/bill money? + +* Relationships. My family that I had previously abandoned have actually been quite supportive after coming to terms with what I am personally. My wife (common law), is no longer my wife. I do not think she will ever forgive me for the hurt I caused, and I do not believe I may expect her to. How do I move on? Right now I'm trying hard to find answers and to stay busy as I can. I no longer drink (been sober for 5 months now), smoke or game online (gambling on those stupid chance boxes in mobile games, more addictive than you might suspect.). ",Bipolar +45819,"Lost alot of $ going crazy I lost alot of $ on the stock market last 2 months. about 260 k worth. I feel like complete shit. I have been sleeping in until noon and staying up until 9 so sleeping 15-16 hours at a time. I have no energy. eating one meal. soups and frozen pizzas . ill drag myself out to grocery store tomorrow or next day i guess. havent shaved or showered in days. + +how do i get out of this i just want it all to end. ",Bipolar +45820,"Bad decisions. 32 M. BP1. I am in this viscous cycle of being depressed and wanting to alleviate those feelings. The easiest way is through deviant sexual stuff. I’m happily married with a great family but it’s like I have to escape from the current situation of feeling horrible. Chatting w people online or attempting to chat w people is about the only thing that feels good. + +Then, when I’m manic, I can’t get enough and start doing the same stuff online. + +Then I feel super shitty about it a couple days/hours later and delete everything and stay away from it for a while. Only to be brought right back to the same place. + +Anyone else suffer from this sick circle?",Bipolar +45821,"First depressive episode since diagnosis So I’m having my first depressive episode since I was diagnosed as bipolar. I was going through the feeling of “why does this keep happening? what’s wrong with me right now?” when it finally clicked on how long bipolar disorder had been impacting me. This kind of event wasn’t new, I just have a name for it now. + +There still needs to be reflection to figure out what triggered this but recognizing what’s going on feels so good (even though I feel so bad right now). ",Bipolar +45822,"Mania w/o meds For the past week and a half I haven’t been able to relax, every time I try my mind races I become tense and I NEED to leave. I need to go out party, meet new people, see something new! I’m going to go on a bender. +It starts with beer at a friends on a Friday night. Then a night out at the bar. Then I’m begging people to drink with me on a Tuesday, because Monday wasn’t enough. I need more. So I disappear. +No replying. No trace. The only think I’m using my phone for is to call people I shouldn’t and ask for things I shouldn’t have. +And then.. I’m driving down the highway, it’s beautiful and sunny . But I haven’t blinked in so long. My jaw hurts. There’s mysterious bruises on me. I don’t know where I’m going but there’s no way I’m going back. Because he doesn’t love me, no one does, I’m a piece of shit and they know it. My dad knew it, same with my mom. +My friend hands me a pill and it makes me feel again. Screaming crying outside my house. I don’t want to go in. I’m so fucking a lone.",Bipolar +45823,"Have you guys ever tried psychadelics like LSD, shrooms or DMT? They apparently can exacerbate mental illness but fuck that I will do these things before I die multiple times. It seems worth it...",Bipolar +45824,"Speaking in front of school soon. Help, please. I’m two weeks, I am set to speak in front of my entire school about my struggles with depression as a bigger part of an outreach day the school leadership is planning. I intend to discuss the struggle that is depression, tell my personas story, and finally send two big messages about mental illness to my school. I’d like to first address those who may suffer from mental illness and help them to know that there can be hope. That I understand how much it forces you to feel worthless and isolate yourself, but that if we all can learn to help one another, we can begin to not be alone. The other is to address those who may hold a stigma against mental illness or simply don’t know how to help at all. I would love it if y’all here at r/BipolarReddit could give me some feedback and overall relay to me what some of the most important things need to be addressed in regard to mental health. + +Here’s a few questions to guide your feedback if you’d like to answer them. If not, feel free to share some thoughts and ideas with me it’d be much appreciated. Love y’all. It’s hard. I know. + +1. As a person who suffers from mental illness, what does it help to hear? What helps to give you hope? +2. How can others help? +3. What’s one thing you think people need to better understand about mental illness and bipolar disorder? +4. What do you wish for in the future for the mental health community? +5. What do you think I really need to relay to other people who may be suffering from mental illness? + +Thank you. Hope to see some good responses.",Bipolar +45825,"Schizoaffective vs Bipolar 1 I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 when I had my first psychotic break, but how do I know I don’t have schizoaffective disorder? ",Bipolar +45826,Bipolar weightlifting I got back into lifting weights about a month ago. I hadn’t been in the gym since I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 two years ago. I’m on lithium and abilify and was wondering if anyone knows about how lifting weights and meds mix. Will I still be able to build as much muscle/strength as before? I’m a 20 year old male. ,Bipolar +45827,"My therapist says she doubts my diagnosis because she has never seen me manic. I doubt her ability as a therapist as a result. Is it just me? What does she want from me? To induce mania so she can go ""Huh, guess your psychiatrist is right.""? ",Bipolar +45828,"Lamictal Withdrawal Experiences Hi there. I've been trying to find out about people's experiences getting off Lamictal. I've been on a road getting off meds for a while now, with the doc's approval. I got off some clonazepam and then moved on to Lamictal. As I mentioned, I've gotten off things before, but this last one really has me freaked out. It's been 5 weeks, and I'm still exhausted. It's not every day, but most days, and I get dizzy still. It just seems with everything else that I've gotten off of, that given some time, you have a slope effect of things generally getting better over time. This is the first time where if it is the withdrawals, it doesn't seem to be getting better (as quickly as I would think) and kind of getting worse. + +I'm looking into other things, such as Lyme (which actually could be a possibility) but was wondering if anyone else had a case of a longer withdrawal time with Lamictal, or something that you thought was harder than you might have thought in the first place? Or just any thoughts? It's really dragging me down. I'd really appreciate it, and hope that everyone is feeling well! + +Thanks, and take care.",Bipolar +45829,"Looking for resources on being supportive Coming from /nba after viewing a mental health post there. + +I'm looking for knowledge/resources on how to help and be a support system for my girlfriend. + +She let me know beforehand that she was bipolar and gave me opportunities to not pursue a relationship with her. I really care about her so I let her know I appreciate it but that I'd really like to build something with her. + +Most recently she lost her meds when I was visiting and it totally shook her. One night she started to have a manic episode (Idk what the correct term is) and she was crying and laughing and rolling around on the bed. + +I tried to comfort her but honestly I had no clue what to do. She couldn't talk after a point and was texting me saying it felt like if she talked that she'd completely lose it. She needed me to leave so I left but I felt scared and awful that I couldn't do anything for her. I didn't want to leave also because I was worried about possible suicidal tendencies. + +I feel like this is something I'll have to talk to her more about, but atm she isn't ready to open up about the topic, and I don't want to force the issue just yet. + +I'm stuck in between wanting to give her the space she needs, and wanting to do everything I can to become the support system she needs. I don't feel her family provides her with it. + +Sorry this got longer than I wanted, but what are some things that I can do to help? What helps those here that go through this? + +Apologies if anything I said was politically incorrect, I'm here to learn and soak up the knowledge. ",Bipolar +45830,"Is it wrong to want to choose the time, place, and method of your demise? Watching Dad nearing the end has me thinking. I was a teenager when I decided that 38 was the age I would end it, as after that I'd be too old. +38 was over a decade ago, and since I had kids and a healthy body I allowed the year to pass. + +Now I've been caring for my father for the past four months. He is frail, has a hard time walking, has multiple health issues, and is in constant pain. I look at him and think that's not an existence I want- I've led a rich and exciting life. He's less than 20 years older than me, so in him I see my near future... + +I had ideation for a six month period years ago, but other than that I don't think about suicide. I'm not looking to end it all now, but this has been my plan for 35+ years. I now learn that bipolar people have 20x suicide rate vs the general population. + +When the time comes and my health & quality of life start to tank, I'd like to go under my own terms. + +Outside of crisis situations, do any/many of you have similar thoughts of a long-term planned end-of-life? +",Bipolar +45831,"I think I might have Bipolar disorder. Back in 2014 I was diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features. I see a psychiatrist take my prozac as prescribed and go to therapy. I am now doing much better than I was then. I steal deal with depression but I can function and I know how to manage it. The only time I ever get relief from it is during the spring. From March to May I feel fantastic. I have more energy and I feel more creative and productive. When summer hits I tend to get depressed. When this happened last summer I talked with my doctor and decided to increase my dosage of prozac. It did not work and I felt weird and had suicidal ideations. He suggested what I have might be bipolar disorder. I thought he did not know what he was talking about until I remembered spring time. In the spring I am walking on sunshine. I also think I am a genius and the shit. My libido also goes up, and I will do things sexually that I would not do the rest of the year. I know reddit can not diagnose Me but does my behavior make any alarm off. Any advice would be helpful.",Bipolar +45832,"Losing my step dad My step dad passed away on Monday, he was in hospice care. I was there as he took his last breath and I watched the life drain from his body. That experience has changed my outlook on life. I no longer want to kill myself. I don't know if this is a permanent thing or if those feelings will someday come back but for the first time in years the thoughts are not in the back of my mind.",Bipolar +45833,"Switching to Abilify questions and concerns I got taken off 100 mg of Seroquel. It kept me stable and on a pretty good sleep schedule. My anxiety and mood were under control. I stopped self medicating with alcohol. I also moved to a much less stressful environment and was put on 100% unemployability by the VA. I have a very supportive bf. Things were going well. The only problem with Seroquel was weight gain. It was driving me crazy that I was working out constantly and eating better than I ever have, but still seeing fat accumulate all over. The doc I see now put me on 5 mg Abilify and 2.5 mg of Ambien on Wednesday. It’s Saturday where I live and I’ve slept no more than 3 - 4 hours each night. My anxiety is so pronounced that I barely leave the house. The doc also mentioned that he doesn’t believe I have bipolar (it’s a military doc, of course) because I have seemed quite stable (duh because the meds were working) and said that he’d probably take that diagnosis off before he PCS’s. I had also told him I’d be on Abilify before with no effect, but he said I should try it because it *might* work this time. I’m exhausted. How long should I wait this out and has anyone had success with it?",Bipolar +45834,"Manic psychotic crisis for First time Hi, I'm a 21 year old, recently I was diagnosed with BD type 1, due to a manic psychotic crisis, the truth is that I lost my common sense, I had delusions I behaved in a way that now embarrasses me a lot. + +The crisis was in the university, it lasted about 1 week being the last days a strong psychosis, because of this I lost several relationships, people who think I'm crazy or I can be dangerous. + +I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital, and there I was able to stabilize myself after a lot of medication, why talk about side effects and how bad they feel. + +I broke my gf and the truth all this takes me very sudden, I have never had depression or any similar episode, in fact I practice a lot of sport and I lead a normal ""life"". + +Now I feel very lonely and misunderstood, I hope that this bad moment ends, I miss my life before the crisis. + +Do you have any experience with psychosis?, how do you deal with bipolar disorder?. + +I would like to know about your experiences with this disorder and how to face it + +Thanks you",Bipolar +45835,"Having weird fever dreams/nightmares despite taking meds properly I’m taking my lamictal, rexulti, Doxepin and vistaril every night and morning as directed. For months I had normal dreams and normal nightmares but for the past week I’ve had “fever dreams” that are so intense I wake up feeling the emotions I felt in the dream. I’m wondering if it has anything to do with the medications I take, and I won’t see my doctor for another 3 months. I’ve been incredibly manic for the past few months and now I’m dipping into a depressive episode, maybe that has something to do with it. ",Bipolar +45836,"Bipolar II and not on meds. I (23F) have Biploar II and have never been on meds to treat it. I am not a fan of medications unless there is absolutely no other option (besides death). I have tired Prozac once but it made me violently nauseous and did nothing to help me.. +For the most part, I think I have managed fine so far. . +I have waves of very low hopeless depression and then waves of great high functioning hypo-mania. + +Anyone else similar to this? opinions? +",Bipolar +45837,"Am I bipolar? Hy! I’m suffering from bulimia and also have anxiety and depression.After years of visiting psicologists,my current one said that I could possibly be bipolar.So I would like to ask you what is it like?what levels of bipolarity exists? +I have periods where I am active,full of adrenalin,work without rest and dont even have the time or the need to sleep much.. +And then there are periods of deep depression,where I could sleep all day and I can’t find the energy or the will to do anything or see anyone.",Bipolar +45838,Looking for friend Just looking for a friend who can help me by just listening without judging.,Bipolar +45839,"Possibly Bipolar Friend Hi guys i’m not sure where to put this but i could really use some advice! + +A bit of background on me before i start, my mom has BPD and i personally have had a lot of experience with the mental health system and was tested extensively for mood disorders so i know a bit about the process. + +So anyways, i have a good friend (f19) who is also one of my roommates. i’ve always known her to be a partier, smokes weed regularly, drinks quite a bit and just generally goes out p often nothing too unusual for university. i have noticed though that when she’s not in her party girl!!! mood she hits really low (we did have a suicide scare wherein she left notes and everything) and that the change can happen really fast. similarly her feelings can seem to change fast as well (being in love with a bf one day and breaking up with him and moving on the next.) + +I just want to know what you guys think: does this sound like bipolar? if it does can/should i talk to her about getting help? if so how? and what kind of help? i’m just genuinely very worried about her. any help is appreciated!!! + +ps sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit for this ",Bipolar +45840,"How do I get my dad to stop spending money we don't have? My dad has BPD 1 and has always been super impulsive, but it's getting even worse. I won't go into specifics, but he is unemployed and spends majority of his time buying and reselling things online. + +The problem is that he doesn't have the money in the first place to be buying these things; I just found out he has taken out 2 new credit cards this month alone just so he could charge them without going over the minimum. + +I've tried, endlessly, to talk to him and tell him this isn't normal or healthy but he considers it to be his ""occupation"" and will not listen. He is majorly in debt, and if anything happens to him (which wouldn't be surprising based on all of his health complications), my family takes on all of his debt. I'm scared. + +What do I DO?",Bipolar +45841,"Is there a protection against noise complaints during mental episodes? Hey guys, + +I've been getting noise complaints from my mental breakdowns that are either the truth or (most of the time) overinflated (i.e cries reported as screams, laughter reported as ""violent fighting"" etc). I was wondering if there's an ADA accommodation that can protect disabled people from getting evicted from excessive noise related to illness? + +Thanks. + +PS The walls are non-insulated and very thin.",Bipolar +45842,Geodon users? Just started taking Geodon and am not enjoying how cloudy I feel. Does it get better?,Bipolar +45843,"It’s only 4:30am I have to be up at 8am for work and I’ve spent the last 6.5 hours drawing circles by hand, perfection takes time. But, I swear I’m fine... ",Bipolar +45844,"Waiting to get into a doctor I moved to Florida about a year ago and I had a lapse in insurance coverage. I used to be on a lot of medication that helped several things and finally had me functioning as an adult. I ran out of these meds about 8 months ago, but I’ve been managing pretty well lately until this past week. I’ve been working a full time job and I deal with stressful people day in and day out. It usually doesn’t get to me, but I haven’t been able to get in to see a doctor and I feel so frustrated. I’ve had some really bad lows and some mild highs but I feel myself dipping down really low again and I’m worried I’m going to fuck everything up. On top of having bipolar I also have ptsd and anxiety. Depending on how my bipolar is being treated these things kind of make one or the other worse at times. I’m just really frustrated and I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am and I don’t know how to keep control of everything when I can’t even get a doctors office to call me back and schedule me. I don’t have a support system anymore and I just feel helplessly lost. I don’t usually post personal stuff like this on reddit and I’m on my phone and pretty mixed up so sorry for poor writing. ",Bipolar +45845,"Meltdowns at work and ruining relationships, advice? I’ve been struggling with bipolar and I’ve tried so many different meds none has worked for me. In the past 2 years I had 2 ectopic pregnancies which triggered a meltdown that required me to transfer to a different location. Then I had a meltdown in November because I’m so exhausted with my current job. It’s customer service and sometimes I have to handle picky clients. Started taking just klonipin to help my nerves. Ended up causing a huge fight because I took too many and felt like I could stick up for myself for once. Broke up with my boyfriend. Ended up getting back together. Things haven’t been the same since. Long story short, I recently found out that during that time we “broke up” he added was talking or trying to talk to girls on social media. I’m normally not the person to go through peoples phones but I had a really weird feeling by the way he was acting. I’m overly jealous. It’s a flaw. Which caused another meltdown. Well, i really can’t control my moods at this point. I’ve been crying at work 24/7 recently. How embarrassing. I started partying too much again. (Black out drinking, klonopin, weed) I can’t sleep at night. It’s the only temporary fix that makes me happy for a moment. I did stupid shit I’m too embarrassed to even say the past couple weekends at parties. I feel super guilty too. I tried killing my self either last weekend or the weekend before. I cant even remember because I’m too mentally drained. I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. I feel guilty and I hate myself. I don’t feel bad for myself at all. I think I’m a disgusting human being and really don’t care about life anymore. I would call off but if you get so many points you get fired, plus I really like the people I work with for the most part and don’t want to leave them hanging. So ANYWAYS, (after that nice short summary) I don’t feel mentally stable to go to work for the rest of the week and I have a mandatory 8 hour meeting tomorrow. Honestly I don’t even think it’s worth going good to because I want to quit. I don’t have a back up plan set in stone and i don’t even care anymore. I’m that done. I want to move far away and start over from scratch or I’m probably going to kill myself sometime soon. Rant over! Sorry for how long it was. I’m desperate at this point. I’m embarrassed to talk to anyone and be honest about my condition and how I haven’t taken any meds.",Bipolar +45846,"[Rant warning] Had fucking enough. I hate everybody and everything: Modern society, people, especially any Sanist, atheists, my parents, the world, every single redditor, memes, neighbors, SJWs, Any kind of discriminator, myself, assholes, mythbusters/fake science, medications, cycles, skeptics, people who take anything without a grain of salt, western arabian american oceanian african and asian cultures, rich people, police, politicians, communists, the army/conscription, murder, rape, the lack of cigarettes, moderators... +OH AND ALSO REDDIT ASKING ME IF I AM A HUMAN RIGHT?",Bipolar +45847,"Bipolar Boyfriend Hi everyone, I'm new here so please go easy on me if I make a mistake. + +My boyfriend (whom I've been dating for over one year) has bipolar disorder. When we started dating he was in a hypomanic phase, luckily he got out of it in a month or so, instead of it escalating into full blown mania or another psychosis. He's had psychosis several times in his life, and it's been difficult for him sometimes. He needs to take medication daily. + + +I have some questions about certain behaviour and would like to know if this is common with people who have bipolar disorder. + + +-Being indecisive. He'll say one thing one moment and when he's with other people, they'll be able to change his mind in a minute. He'll tell me/promise me one thing one moment, but then completely abandon those promises and stop caring. + +-It's very easy to talk him into doing something, that he usually wouldn't have done on his own. I'm talking: drinking way too much and suddenly just smoking when he quit smoking for months. He also has a hard time when I ask him about this type of behaviour or when I get upset. + +-He used to be very sure about our future but ever since a couple of months ago, he's been doubting things and he hasn't been sharing his feelings with me, or telling me how he feels, even when I ask him. He's tried to break up with me two months ago, to which I said ""are you sure? Do you want to give it all up?"" (Calmly and respectfully not mad) and he ended up not breaking up with me. He's been threatening to break up with me again. + +-He often gets really tired and sleeps till late afternoon, he's been doing that for months. He lost motivation to look for a job as well. He had a job interview but he cancelled last minute, last week. He was too anxious to go. I often feel as if he's just very insecure. + +-He'll say that the reason he never responds when I'm talking to him (irl), is because he just can't think clearly and his mind is just blank. (However I think this could be because he doesn't like to be confronted when he's lied to me) + + +I've never experienced him in a depressive manic state before, and he doesn't feel anxious when he's outside, he doesn't feel as if they're spying on him and stuff. Which he definitely did when he was experiencing hypomania. He believes the craziest conspiracies when he's actually manic, so I don't know what this all means. + +It would help me if y'all could really enlighten me on this subject. I was hoping to talk to his therapist about this tomorrow, but he has been ignoring me and suddenly is hanging out with friends (he's out with one friend who's done hard drugs, right now). He says he's never done harddrugs but this friend does get him to smoke and drink too much when they're out together. + +We had fights several times last week and yesterday, but he is just refusing to make up, ignoring me and instead just seeing his friends or he'll sleep over at his parents' place. (Even though I don't live with him, so he could just stay at his own place, but he always feels the need to go to his parents, which is why I think he's insecure.) Any advice? What do I do and what do I say to him? It's been difficult for me to understand everything which is why I'm here. It's also been difficult because him changing his mind constantly is so confusing to me, I never know what he actually wants because he'll constantly tell me something else.",Bipolar +45848,"Just to say “gracias” to all I so appreciate this site, on bipolar, and how good people are to one another. Right now, I’m anxious. That certain dread builds, seemingly from nowhere. When I tell “the sane” about the symptoms. They become deer in the headlights. It’s helpful to read of others’ struggles; one feels less lonely here. So, much thanks.",Bipolar +45849,"I wasn't...until I was Hi everyone, first time poster here: +About a month ago I was diagnosed bipolar. (Doc didn't specify what type) Now I've heard this before but since the meds never worked, it couldn't have been true, right? Wrong. New doc insisted I keep changing drugs until I found one, and, I did. BAM! Smacked in the face with reality. Coinciding with some late bills and my husband seeing that I had maxed out a 5k credit card in 2yrs, frankly, it became the week from hell. + +I've been depressed all my life and I've been on pristiq for years. My earliest memory is sobbing alone on the swing set at 3yrs old bc the Puff the Magic Dragon song just made me so sad. I never made the connection when my grandmother said my uncle's were manic depressive. My mother clearly is too and my mom would argue that my grandmother is a hypocondriact. Beyond that, my mother is a person who should have never had kids. I was up for adoption but she changed her mind last min. (Bad idea) My childhood was badly bizarre to say the least. + +The above matters because I *never* wanted to be like my mother. Selfish. Reckless. Embarrassing. I made it my life mission to be kind, polite and ""together"", someone dependable. But I now realize that I too am a terrible, horrible person. I've been married 15yrs and he's no saint, but I don't know how my husband has put up with me? +- Sudden remodeling projects I'd do while he was at work. +- Minimalism now! or Collect all the things! +- Thinking I can suddenly learn new careers & then land a job immediately. +- Suggesting I off myself bc I bought too much cereal at the store and that alone is gonna throw us in bankruptcy surely. + +So here I am. Having a bad week at work. Wondering if my anger at other people's actions is warranted or if they notice my moods. Not trusting anything I think. Wondering when the Lamictal will start working and wondering, at what point will it become too much? + +Any guidance you can suggest, if you've felt like this, is most appreciated. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing now. I'm embarrassed of my past and current self.",Bipolar +45850,"Diagnosis fear My family and boyfriend have been saying for years they think I have bipolar. I have written down all of the things I have felt recently and it’s overwhelmingly scary. I don’t want a diagnosis, I don’t want to admit my mind works differently. I don’t want to admit I think about death daily. When I’m feeling high, it’s amazing, nothing can stop me and I feel I will succeed in everything. But just like that I can become extremely aggressive, overly sad (sobbing for hours) and recently it’s becoming difficult to cope with. On so many occasions I can feel myself slipping away and this angry monster coming in to replace the high, it destroys what’s around me and I have no control over it. I don’t know what to do or where to vent so here I am. ",Bipolar +45851,"Getting a psychiatrist referral in Australia Hey guys, + +I'm on the annoying wait for a psychiatrist appointment and it's only an analysis with not guarantee she will take me as a patient. + +The positive to it is that she comes highly recommended from a GP who previously worked with her at a mental health facility, and the three months might go quickly and of course the chances are she will take me on. + +However, I am still considering looking for a faster route if possible. + +In regards to private health insurance, I have top Bupa cover but know its limitation for these services.",Bipolar +45852,"Father was Bi-Polar Manic, worried. Hi, so my Dad was diagnosed as bi-polar manic a few years ago and has spent his time in and out of hospitals for the past few years, It's always been in the back of my head that I could have received it too. Sometimes I feel at the top of the world and splurge on very useless things and spend a lot of my money, other days I feel the exact opposite and just want to curl up and stay in my room all night. Is the disease genetic? just worried I don't know if im just sad at the time or if what im experiencing isn't bad compared to what being bipolar is.",Bipolar +45853,"My brother is manic, how do I help Hi guys, using a throwaway. Recently my brother got into a fight with his girlfriend and I feel like he's super manic right now. He just bought a $20,000 BMW after trading in his volkswagon, bought $1,000 of gucci stuff, traded in his phone for an iPhone X, and is just acting strangely. He's being rude to my mom saying really hurtful things for no reason to her, I just want to see how I can help get him back to baseline. He planned a trip with his gf to leave to Florida (which had been planned back before he started acting like this) and my mom and I feel nervous about him going. It's not like we can force him to stay because he's 21 he's an adult but still. All of this is really stressful for everyone involved so I wanted to see how some of you have coped with this in the past or if anyone has advice for how to help him through this. Thanks",Bipolar +45854,"Do any other women impulsively cut off their hair during episodes? I've done this a couple of good times, but I'm so upset with the most recent incident which was in October of past year. It took me so long to grow my hair out and then in a mixed episode aggravated by Klonopin withdrawal, I chopped it all off. ?? + +During manic episodes, I typically will bleach my hair, you see, and in my mixed state, I felt like I should not be a blonde, my hair should be it's natural dark color to reflect my depression, or whatever. A rational person would have dyed their goddamn hair, but no, I cut it down to the roots. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? ??",Bipolar +45855,"Does anyone else diagnosed with BiPolar feel that your doctor essentially treats you like having emotions is a “privilege” you are no longer fit for? They always give meds that basically zombify you. Joy=mania, sadness=depression. They act like you’re just not allowed to feel anything anymore because you’re a danger to yourself. It really makes me feel that there’s no way out of this constant cycle and I really just don’t want to do it anymore. Euthanasia would be so much more favorable of an option to me at this point but if you talk like that you just get sent away to be around people that make you feel even worse about yourself. What the fuck am I supposed to do?",Bipolar +45856,"I hate myself So I know this has been written on before but honestly just typing shit is a better outlet than anything else. Ive been bipolar I for pretty much my whole life crazy black out fits of anger when i was like 4 suspend from school till I was misdiagnosed and placed on adhd meds. Football helped the most, just a pure outlet for all my rage. But now that im a married adult with kids I can barley function in the world anymore. My wife hates me and looks and treats me like im some sort of broken child. We havent had sex in months im 24 and buff as shit!!! She chastises me whenever I try to discipline our kid and questions every choice I make. AND I mean for anything like asking my kid not to stand on the counter. I cant fucking do this shit anymore Im suspicious of everyone arround me I day dream of just beating peoples skulls in for fun or anything to make my life have some kind of excitement. Pretty much just smoke pot all day for a chance to feel something like anything. But I live in the most conservative state in the country and pot is keeping me from holding a job. Im fucking bored of living not suicidal just bored to the point of depression taking Lamotrigine 100 mg does nothing but make me go to sleep and antipsychotics make me feel like im dazed and loopy , but their great at night when my thoughts are racing so fast that i wont sleep at all. +Does anyone else just feel like there is really nothing wrong with us and we are just meant to do way more with our lives maybe that is just the grandiose shit they talk about but I honestly feel like im capable of doing anything I want in the world and its other people that get in my way? Every person ive met that is bipolar is usually super rational in their choices but that could just be because we see the world as black and white and have almost no concept of grey. Anything can be rationalized to a right and wrong choice. Anyways I dont want anyones fucking pitty ""I like myself"" I just Hate that I cant trust myself to be a functioning human anymore. ",Bipolar +45857,"Prescribed medicine above max dose...Normal? I have been taking Geodon for a while for hallucinations. Varying dosages that go up once it doesn't work anymore. It's been pretty effective, but they have come back recently. +However, my dosage was just bumped to 180mg, where 160mg is listed as the max dose. Is this kind of thing normal?",Bipolar +45858,"A tiered approach to medication Lately I’ve read a lot about medications people are being prescribed and their feelings towards them and I want to share my feelings on this. I am not a doctor. + +Bipolar patients need mood stabilizers. Lithium or lamictal. That is what treats your mood disorder and for the most part what you will always need. Other symptoms, either bipolar in nature or created by the mood stabilizer, get treated by other secondary meds. Insomnia? Probably seroquel. Psychotic features? Probably abilify. Tremors? Gabapentin. Anxiety? Stay the fuck away from benzos even if they try to give them to you. + +Is this generally the consensus? I feel like in the mental health community people just think drugs are drugs and maybe something will work eventually. That feels sad from my perspective. I do 1800mg Li along with 10g seroquel to sleep as needed, 25mg bupropion as needed during seasonal depression, and 40mg propranolol for performance anxiety when I need to perform. It’s a lot of drugs, but it’s really just the lithium at the core of it. + +Thoughts? ",Bipolar +45859,"Can't Pinpoint Moods/Feelings... Hi everyone, + +I'm very new here so please forgive me if this has already been discussed... + +I was recently diagnosed and prescribed Lamictal (this happened two days ago). I've been seeing a counselor for some other issues and she recommended going to psychiatrist. + +My therapist/psychiatrist recommend keeping track of my moods. This seems so easy...So I write down how I'm feeling or rate how I'm feeling. I've been trying to do this for the past month. I have found it so hard to identify my emotions/moods/feelings. + +I sit down and either use an app (Dayio, Evernote...) or a physical notebook to start my journaling. I get in my own head so much that I can't seem to figure out how I am feeling. Lately, it feels like I am making it all up. I overthink it all so much that I think ""Oh nevermind...I'm fine"" and just move on with my day. I guess my question is...how do others track their moods/feelings? + +Are there are tips that you have for someone recently diagnosed and feeling like they have still made it all up (even though, logically, I haven't)? Have other experienced this? + +Thanks a bunch!",Bipolar +45860,"questions about hypomania symptoms in general i'm really shy, i have anxiety disorder too, and as a result whenever i'm hypomanic i don't have that ""talkativeness"" symptom. i don't have anyone to talk to, and i've never approached strangers. HOWEVER i do sing, a lot, all through the night. would this be the equivalent? can anxiety override hypomania? + +i find it pretty hard to figure out my symptoms given that i'm never around other people. it's like my symptoms never reach their full potential because there's no external stimulation. does that make sense? sorry if this has been asked before.",Bipolar +45861,"I'm Manic and Stable and Doing it. Well the title says most of it. I'm Manic right now but I'm also stable and know I'll get through. Life is normal, I talked with my doc and got a sleep aid. I'll make it and life will continue. I never thought I'd be here, but here I am, and it's a wonderful place to be.",Bipolar +45862,"Latuda... what to expect? This is my second meds switch in a week and a half, from Zoloft, to Effexor, and now Latuda.(Zoloft didn't work, and Effexor caused heart problems) + +My pdoc said Latuda shouldn't cause akethisia, or weight gain. I'm super prone to akathisia, and I am wondering about other people's experiences + +<3",Bipolar +45863,Need a friend Hi everyone.it has been a long time that i am looking for a bipolar man to be friend with.i am not looking for anything more than penpal but i really need someone who understands me and has the same feelings.please let me know if you are interested.,Bipolar +45864,"Hypomanic and leaving the country I have been stable for a long period of time, without medication. +My doctor has been wondering if I really am bipolar or if it has always been my ADHD that has been the problem + +Lyrica basically saved my life, I was in a constant state of anxiety and it really helped me, but after 2 years things started to go so fats in my head, I lost a lot of weight, excelled at work and college and took on to many responsibilities and I crashed a couple of weeks ago. + +They put me on concerta and it seems so calm my head, but I'm still feeling tingly inside and I'm horny as fuck(sorry) i sleep around 7-8 hours, I don't feel I'm better than anybody else and I can listen in a conversation, but I'm wondering if the lyrica and concerta are pushing me into a hypomanic episode +I get these intrusive thoughts, but ofc I don't act on them + +I am leaving the country in 2 days for a school trip to Girona and I'm afraid I won't be able to go:(( + +Does anybody have any advice on what I should do, can I do something to calm myself down before the trip? My doctor thinks it's fine, but she's not a psychiatrist + +I've been known to ovethink a lot, I have a hard time getting out of my head and into the reality, but I need advice +",Bipolar +45865,"I'm just not sure anymore Ive been subscribed to Bipolar Reddit for a couple of years now but this is the first time I've posted. I realized that I felt different from everyone around 14 or 15 years old and got a full diagnoses at 21. I take 10mg Trintellix every day to help stabilize, I have Bipolar II. I'm 24 years old. + +I use to be so sure of myself and now I just don't know anymore. I thought I was on the right track but when I begin to reflect I realize I feel I lost my way. + +I have a stable job, I'm in college, I have a girlfriend who lives with me, and I'm sober for the most part (no more hard drugs). I just feel so lost to the wind. I feel like I've let control go to life. Like I'm a plastic sack blowing around aimlessly. I feel like the things around me control my life more than I do. + +I know this is gonna just get buried in this sub but I needed to vent. I feel like I do everything the way I'm supposed to do but it just isn't enough. The best thing I've ever done or most perfect isn't good enough. Not for me or anyone else. I can't afford therapy plus I live in eastern Texas so therapy isn't very extensive in my area. + +I want to quit but I know I'm way to strong of a human being to do that. I only want to feel like I'm on the right track. I want to feel like I'm doing the right thing. I feel like I am sad but I can't exhibit the emotion. I just feel frustrated, anxious, and blank. I don't know what I want from posting this other than some else to try to understand because everyone else around me seems to not have a grasp on what I feel or I'm going through. + +I love you all that are going through anything difficult right now. Please know that you aren't alone. I suffer just like you. I'd love to talk to you if you'd like to talk. Just never give up because you aren't the only one. This sub has taught me I'm not alone. Thank you if you've made it this far. I just want to feel connected.",Bipolar +45866,"Brain zaps Hey all I’ve been getting really bad brain zaps recently. Like constant zap zap zap. I take Wellbutrin and my dose just went up, so that could be why. Does anyone else experience this? Should I be concerned? + +Side note I also recently have tinnitus. I heard the two are related..",Bipolar +45867,"Does Depakote give you anxiety? I started Depakote about two weeks ago. Zero side effects, felt like taking nothing - no drowsiness or anything. + +But the last two or three days have been the worst anxiety and panic attacks I’ve had in years. Ones that last hours and involve extreme dissociation / dysphoria. At 23 I can honestly say I haven’t had my panic attacks and OCD flare up this bad since childhood when I had no coping mechanisms . + +I almost checked myself into the damn hospital just because I wanted someone ELSE to deal with my crazy ass lol wishing to be sedated so the terror and intrusive thoughts and obsessions would go away and give me some peace. Lasted at least five hours. None of my usual mind tricks / coping tricks were working, just kept getting stuck in that OCD/anxiety panic loop, unable to break free or calm down. Scared for literally no reason and then scared wondering if that means I’m going crazy (because fear of insanity is one of my OCD obsessions). + +My sister finally talked me down over the phone but this is H E L L. It’s like being a scared kid who doesn’t know what to do about this feeling, but all over again and I’m an adult. + +I’m wondering if anyone thinks it could be the Depakote? My anxiety and OCD were at high functioning levels for years until two weeks of Depakote. Can’t see the doctor until the 23rd because he’s on vacation so I’m asking y’all until +I can ask him.",Bipolar +45868,"Realizations In a very bad depression now. And I don't know if it's the depression or what, but I'm am realizing most of my family and friends treat me like shit and really take me for granted. My husband, my kids, hell even my mom. Starting to realize my support system isn't that great. That only makes my depression worse!",Bipolar +45869,"I feel lost So Here’s the situation. I was completely manic for about a year, didn’t realize it of course so my life got completely fucked. Lost friends, my place, and most of family won’t talk to me anymore because they feel that I’m a drug addict. I’m not. I moved recently, and got back on one medication. But Im struggling to make sense of things. My mentals are still fairly unpredictable, some days start really well, I feel stable and I can be productive. But then I fall into full mania or crippling depression again, all within a matter of hours. So does anyone have some suggestions on how I can start to rebuild my life and stay stable? Cause I feel very alone, and very scared that I’m gonna get my life more fucked than it currently is ",Bipolar +45870,"Meds and memory Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, and was diagnosed with BP2 less than a year ago. I'm on a medicine regimen that is working really well for my mood, however my body has adjusted to it and my memory attention and focus are still no where near where they were pre-treatment. Which I'm a biochem student and I have finals in less than two months so this isn't ideal. + + +Currently im on 100mg seroquel (I don't think this is effecting my memory very much, it's the first thing the started me on, tbh if it is this id rather have the sleep) + +And 100mg lamictal (I'm pretty sure this is the culprit, but idk if stopping it and trying to find something else while school is on session would be safer or riskier in terms of cognative abilities) + +They had me on buspar but i stopped taking that within a few weeks of school starting because it was just impossible. And stopping that helped a lot and then he raised my lamictal and it's still better than it was but not where it needs to be. +I'd really rather not take amphetamines, but if anyone has had similar problems with these or could suggest something that's helped them so I could do some research and bring it up with my doc in a few weeks thatd be wonderful. + +---also side note I think the lamictal was making me anemic so I doubled up on my iron and B vitamins, so im not sure it might still be due to some level of anemia",Bipolar +45871,"Hypomanic rage Looking back at every argument I've ever had with my partner, I blame about 85% of them on being untreated and hypomanic and irritable and full of rage. And no matter what I started the argument for, it always ended the same way, I would get angry at my partner for not talking and thinking as fast as I was; the reason for the argument completely forgotten, my anger just grabbing at straws until I was essentially getting angry at my self for having such debilitating racing thoughts and flight of ideas, but I was directing it all at my poor wonderful partner. + +I'm curious as to what other bipolar 2 people feel in regards to anger, irritability, and rages. I know for a fact that when I get snippy, I'm hypomanic and probably going to try and start an argument. Hypomania in me is not the fun ""happy, high"" that it can be, sure I'm up there in energy and a little bit excited but I am not elated, I am angry. How about you guys? ",Bipolar +45872,What to tell? I recently got a new therapist after seeing someone else for 2ish years. Do I tell the new therapist about past drug problems or leave that out? I’m honestly just not sure how switching therapists works. ,Bipolar +45873,"I feel beyond awful right now BUT... ... I gotta hang on to the little piece of me still here: the “real me,” what I’ve been calling the “control centre” of my brain, that part that can view this like a third party would, and who knows 95% of the thoughts in my head right now are bullshit. + +But... if a human has 2000 thoughts a day (I read that number somewhere recently), that would mean I’m being tormented with 1900 BULLSHIT THOUGHTS PER DAY... and ALL 1900 of those thoughts, somehow, some way, point out to me that I should be dead. + +HOWEVER... sure, all I can THINK about is being dead but goddamn it, I also have to remember that I’m not actually DOING anything towards it!! Keep remembering that!! + +...but ya... That. Is. ALL. I. Can. Think. About. Right. Now. And this constant fucking torture of me BY ME is... utterly exhausting. + + +",Bipolar +45874,"Substituting Geodon for Indica Strains Hello, + + I am currently on 125mg Lamictal when i wake up then 40mg Geodon before bed. + + I have gone from 240lbs (lithium as mood stabilizer) to instead 215lbs on lamictal (mood stabilizer). So, in trying to get back to the weight I was before medication, 180lbs, I will experiment if Indica Cannibis can produce similar, or better, sleep effects as Geodon. + +If anyone has tried or is in a state where they can try please comment. + +My guess is a couple hits off a indica was vape pen and a small edible and you will be counting sheep within an hour. + +Keep in mind I will be continuing on the Lamictal mood stabilizer (studied to cause weight loss) and only seek to eliminate/lessen my dosage of Geodon (said to have low risk of weight gain, which for me is 45 pounds). + + +Thanks for reading + +Also, I have tried up too 200 mg of CBD oil which was advertised as a alternative for anti psychotics with no success. When i took them in place of the Geodon I would only nap for a few hours in what felt like a shallow, half awake sleep. I would not recommend spending 80 dollars on a 30, 30mg capsules from Wildflower CBD.com (which was recommended by high times so i assume it is legit) they simply do not help you stay asleep. + +I would try the indica strain canabis for myself but live in a state that is dragging their heels with there medical Marijuana program. +",Bipolar +45875,"Quick question: should I take my seroquel now or not? My daughter went to sleep really early and I'm afraid she might wake up after I've taken my seroquel already. It takes about an hour to work. I've never tried to stay awake after I've taken it so i don't know what to expect if I did. Would i hallucinate? + +And if I did skip it tonight is there a chance I could withdrawal tomorrow? + +Thank you in advance!",Bipolar +45876,"Hands shaking - coordination awful - how to cope? Hi everyone, first post so I’m sorry if I’m doing this wrong. + +I’m teetering on the edge of a massive down at the moment while my pills even out (just upped dosage) and alongside the other crap I always get really bad problems with my hands and coordination. I feel like I can’t close my hands properly, as if all the heaviness goes into them, and when I try to concentrate on them they just go shaky. My shrink says it’s a normal symptom of depression (lack of coordination) which is fine; my problem is that I’m a piano teacher and every time this happens it makes it almost impossible to demonstrate exercises for my students, or convince them that good technique pays off. Not to mention I keep dropping/breaking things. + +Has anyone found a way to work around this? It doesn’t help me to have “proof” that I’m useless/bad at my job/clumsy when I’m in a down, and like I said I’m definitely heading there this weekend. + +Thank you xxx + +Edit: I should have said, this is a symptom that I had before I started taking lamictal, but I agree that it could have made it worse. ",Bipolar +45877,"We are investigating social anxiety, perfectionism, and thinking styles, and we are interested in your insight. Hi everyone, I'm a PhD candidate in clinical psychology and I'm currently conducting a survey on social anxiety, perfectionism, and thinking styles. I would love to hear from you! The survey is open to anyone aged 18+. It should take about 30 mins to complete, and you have the option to enter a 1 of 4 $50 Visa gift card draw at the end. + +Link to the survey: https://qualtrics.flinders.edu.au/jfe/form/SV_cVfmOOF57d75gHj Thanks!",Bipolar +45878,ECT? Has anyone had experience with ect treatments for Bipolar II? Did they help? How was the experience?,Bipolar +45879,Someone please help me explain please I don]'t know what's happening right now but my head it's wrong. we went to watch a movie but i get stuck inside the story do you know what i mean? i want to sit and phase out of the story when there are credits but he doesn't understand so i dont know why but started getting emotional walking home and things were getting worse and he said i wasn't being normal and i got scared becuas you know when things are what they are in your head but someone is basically telling me i can't trust that so i just have to imagine what it's actually like and he said he's hurt that id think he was going to grab me or but i told him i thought he was going to call the police or something but i dont know how to explain. he doesnt know doesnt understand but how do i say how things are in my head that i dont know whats actually happening. i know objectively its not real that its a sickness that i'm wrong in the head but it doesnt make it any less LESS. so i say im scared and confused and i don tknow what to trust really and things are just ODD but i dont know who to tell or what to say so can someone please try and explain what its like if you know. i dont know how to explain but somepeople do but how do i find explanations?? someone please help thank you,Bipolar +45880,"Geodon Questions for anyone taking Geodon: +what dose are you taking? Did you start at that dose or slowly raise? Do you take twice a day? + +I'm taking 80 now. I'm not sleeping very good and when I wake up, I'm so groggy and feel horrible! Can't go to sleep, can barely keep eyes open but also wierdly restless. + +Did anyone have similar experiences when starting? Been taking for 18 days and 3rd day on 80. Couldn't get to sleep until 4am and up at 9am. Just now barely starting to function. + +thanks!",Bipolar +45881,"It’s 10am and I don’t want to get out of bed The depressive hot yesterday. Hard and fast and vicious. That thought process “unneeded, unwanted, unremembered” I was laid off a month ago. I check the job boards and nothing is even interesting. I’m 40 years old never been married and don’t have kids. What I do is who I am, I have nobody to share my life with, nobody to make working worthwhile. I want to open my own business but I need to raid my 401k to do that. I don’t see the point in having a 401k when it’s likely I will die in my sixties. But everyone thinks it’s a bad idea to use my life savings to do something that interests me. If I show people the statistics of reduced life span for bipolar and they disregard it. If I only have 25-ish years left why shouldn’t I make it the best 25 years doing something I love? Why should I get a job that is just a job with no purpose other than to buy another day. The funny thing about starting my own store is the people who would never shop there think it’s a horrible idea but the people who would shop there and owners of similar shops think it’s a great idea, challenging, but great. My father literally told me to get a job as a janitor at the hospital. I want to do my own thing but I’m being blocked and told to do something safe. Is anything worth doing ever safe or easy? Hell no! I can’t escape the working class playing it safe. + + +If you’re wondering, this is the store I want to open; it would be called The Basement, if you think about the kids from Stranger Things and the basement they hang out in then roll that forward 5-6 years what do you have? A place with music, and books, and games all specifically tailored to what they enjoy. The store would be selling specific genre records (growing at double digits %), dystopian/speculative/sci-fi/high fantasy books; and games like D&D and Magic and Catan and similar things. Stores that carry everything and try to cater to everyone struggle but boutique style stores serving specific markets do okay and can develop a solid customer base. But apparently, having done tons of market research and knowing the product and knowing the area and what sells and having worked in retail management for years are all indicators that I should do something “safe” maybe I should be a get a job as a bus driver instead. ",Bipolar +45882,"X posted - manic safety plan with SO So. I'm a ""constant suicidal thoughts"" person. They're always there but I'm always too exhausted to do anything, and love the people in my life way too much. EXCEPT for when I'm manic. Manic lows or highs give me so much energy and that tends to worry myself and my boyfriend. The only time I really consider hurting myself is when I am manic. Often needing my boyfriend to stop me. + +I'm going to Europe in June and want to work with my boyfriend to create a safety plan for when I'm feeling like this. One of those ""when I'm feeling like this, I'll do this. If that doesn't work I'll do this."" This isn't just for suicidal ideations, but also other side effects to the mania. + +A big part of the reason I want to do this with my boyfriend is that he is far more concerned than I am that I'll do something I would regret doing or hurt myself. Biggest two concerns are me cheating on him or me hurting myself. Mostly this is to put his mind at ease when I'm away. He worries about me so much when I am here, never mind my two months away from him. + +What are some good steps to have on the plan? And circumstances to account for? Also any good apps to put this plan into your phone? I want this to be in my phone and accessible when I am out.",Bipolar +45883,"Any other pregnant ladies? It’s my first time pregnant and I’m really happy/excited. After years of contemplating and planning, the husband and I finally decided to go for it. We’re in our 30’s, I’ve been the most stable I’ve ever been in my life for 6+ months, and I have a great therapist. + +I’m currently on 200mg Lamictal and will be staying on it throughout the pregnancy and during breastfeeding. I came to this decision with the help of a prenatal psychiatrist. + +Feel free to ask any questions. + +I’d love to hear from other pregnant ladies or mom’s with tips and tricks for staying healthy. + +",Bipolar +45884,Weed and BP 2 I've been feeling suicidal more recently and never had that feeling before. I want to get an indica to feel calmer and relaxed when I get really bad. What has been your experiences with BP and MJ usage?,Bipolar +45885,"Did xanthan gum make me go manic? Confused.... Can anyone relate to this? I was on a really strict diet, off dairy, gluten, not eating anything processed, and feeling pretty stable. I was even sleeping well. + +Then someone brought me a treat, these gluten free cookies and chocolate soy milk. I ate the cookies, and as time progressed, started to feel more unstable. Like unpleasantly stimulated, unfocused, bloated, and I was up all night with insomnia and strange sensations going on in my body. I then read the ingredients on the cookies, and it contained xanthan gum, and tapioca starch, and I decided to be cautious about those ingredients, and didn't have any more cookies. + +I didn't however read the ingredients on the chocolate soy milk, which turned out to also have xanthan gum. I kept drinking this for three days, and my insomnia became steadily more severe, and I started having to rely on sedatives again to sleep. My mood was also elevating, and it became harder to focus on anything. I was feeling insanely promiscuous :S Then by day four, my anxiety and panic skyrocketed. I ended up getting SO desperate, feeling hyper social and feeling so needy and vulnerable and afraid that it made me reckless, making dangerous plans, needing to meet up with any man or else I was convinced I'd die. I NEEDED someone to hold me OR ELSE.... Almost got myself in some trouble, and was NOT thinking at all. Thankfully I managed to stay in the house, and not act, mostly because my family came back early and I could no longer have any strange men from the internet over........ + +Anyway, since I stopped drinking that chocolate milk, I still have anxiety but am finally feeling a bit... more settled...... I'm back to being my introverted self again, and not wanting to socialize at all, and am just thankful that nothing really bad happened. + +I'm just confused about WHY that happened to me. Also, during that whole time, I was horribly bloated. + +Can anyone relate to anything like this? + +I'm confused and feel alone in this. And this isn't something anyone else really understands. + +If you read the comments here, you'll find a lot of people have had puzzling reactions to this ingredient, and insomnia is a common response: + +https://chriskresser.com/harmful-or-harmless-xanthan-gum/",Bipolar +45886,"Bipolar I, starting day treatment New here! I'm bipolar I with all the fun that comes with it, including hallucinations. My doctor has given up changing my medications (I'm on 4) and signed me up for day treatment (intensive outpatient treatment, 3x/wk, 4hrs a day). + +Any suggestions on how to get through this? I drive 1hr to get there, and I dislike group therapy. I always feel like my symptoms aren't severe enough to require this kind of treatment. + +On a side note, this will be my 3rd round of day treatment, the last one was over 12 years ago. One CBT, one DBT. + +Your input is greatly appreciated, and enjoy your day.",Bipolar +45887,"Upped the dosage on my meds and now everything feels really, really wrong. I feel like I did when I was at my worst I've been on 100 mg lamictal and recently upped it to 150, eventually supposed to get to 200. I don't know for sure that what I'm feeling is because of the meds. I don't think lamictal is strong enough to get a reaction like this, the impression I got is that it's mild or something but I also don't know anything about how meds actually work. + +It's like I have an electric current going through me, I can't close my eyes and I can't sleep. I'm starting to get irritated like I did before, and crying a lot, and getting that bone deep sorrow for no real reason. Everything's turned up to eleven and I really do feel like I'm crazy, like the way it felt before I got diagnosed. + +I'm scared because I'm feeling that zero inhibitions I can do anything kind of mood and this is when I feel most like I could go through with it",Bipolar +45888,"Prozac and periods? Also eczema? Has anyone taking this medication had side effects that caused them to spot brown/pink between periods? I'm getting anxious because I have been and this isn't at all normal for me. I've had HPV and a LEEP for CIN III so I'm worried that if it isn't the med causing it, that I have a bigger issue. + +Also, I have broken out in an eczema type rash on my face since beginning this med. I have tried hydrocortisone to get rid of it and it isn't helping. I've never in my life had eczema before. + +Are these potential side effects of this med? Should I call my Dr? I asked her about the face rash and she said she hadn't heard of it being a side effect before... This was a couple weeks ago before the spotting started. + +My period isn't due for another 7 days and it's normally like clockwork. Extremely predictable. ",Bipolar +45889,"Has anyone else experienced catatonic symptoms when very low? About a year ago when I was in a very low period, I was hospitalised on 3 separate times where I was unable to move, speak or pretty much function which lasted for about 6 hours. Before these episodes set in, I remember being heavily suicidal and feeling hopeless and like I had no energy at all (like I was melting into the chair), and then seeing visuals in my surroundings. + +The bit that is funking with my head is whether my mind is playing tricks on me and I could actually move and speak but I was pretending or whether it was all legitimate. + +Does/has anyone else had similar experiences of these kinda catatonic symptoms?",Bipolar +45890,"Disability with Bipolar Disorder I have a general question about being Bipolar in the work place. I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II about a year ago and I currently have a job but am looking for a new position. While filling out my apps there is a mandatory question where they ask if you have an kind of disability and Bipolar Disorder is on the list. I'm very hesitant about identifying myself with a disability. I was able to stay on my dad's insurance with a letter from my doctor but I'm not sure what applies for this. I'm really nervous about letting any of my employers know I am Bipolar. I'm pretty good at hiding my illness but I have depressive dips that last for a few months and they affect my work. I'm on medication but currently I've been having hormonal issues that I'm dealing with my gyno. I get very antisocial and irritable but I am afraid of my work trying to get rid of me if they knew. I know they technically they're not allowed to but I work in the Biotech industry and they can be very cutthroat. I don't want to not be hired for a job if I was upfront with being bipolar. I also do value my privacy and I don't want the whole world knowing about my illness. I was hoping someone out there has been dealing with this issue and can offer some advice. + +Thanks guys! ",Bipolar +45891,"Boyfriend [26m] diagnosed bipolar when he was 10 but I’m wary of his initial diagnosis. He’s going to go see someone to get re-evaluated as soon as he gets insurance. TW: Suicide The more I talk to my boyfriend about his past, it seems like he was demonized for having any emotions as a child and his parents were emotionally abusive and neglectful. He acted out in elementary school and attempted suicide and was sent to a psych ward where he was diagnosed. They’re not going to see that his parents were trash and used religion to mentally abuse him and shammed him for having normal human emotions/responses to their behavior. + + +In the year that I’ve known him, he’s been severely depressed with racing thoughts. He’s like your typical person with severe major depression. He has thoughts of suicide almost constantly. He claims he felt normal when he moved out of his house and he’s gotten worse since being back home. Can you go an entire year or two without mania with bipolar and only have depression? His description of mania is so hard to understand that I’m unsure if that’s just his “normal” mood of being pulled out of the depression or if it’s truly mania that he’s describing. He said a happy event will trigger it and it might last 1-2 days. He also has anger issues with the depression. I know depression can make you agitated and so can mania. + + +Can you have bipolar and not have manic episodes hardly ever? Like be depressed for a whole year with no indication of mania or hypomania? I’m not certain how to identify mixed episodes but he’s always depressed. + + +I know he needs to go to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and treatment, but it’s not an option at this exact moment due to financial issues, so I’m just trying to learn all that I can for right now. I’m trying to get the money to take him as soon as I can. I just want to learn more about this stuff and more about him in the meantime. ",Bipolar +45892,"Not sure what this is. I have these kind of ""episodes"" where my mind suddenly brings up dark memories and emotions. I'm overwhelmed by them and my mind interprets my surroundings based on the feelings and memories I'm experiencing. I'm aware of my surroundings and I don't zone out but the thoughts become overwhelming and I can't get them out of my head. It's not a flashback. I don't know what it is.",Bipolar +45893,"Can’t. Sleep. I have been sleeping too much and then too little for about two weeks now. I’m not sure how I will feel in the morning, after I inevitably get at least a couple hours of rest. I think this time change blows. I don’t want to work tomorrow. I am so uncomfortable in bed at the moment, my body just hurts. My body itself cannot rest itself. It’s pathetic, all I have to do to “work” is get on my computer, which is right next to me, because I work from home. I don’t even want to do that. I am far more active at night, always have been. I just don’t want to be up in the morning and work. My job is getting worse and worse. Well... back to the original post, I just can’t sleep and it’s pretty annoying. ",Bipolar +45894,"Unstable bipolar people giving people with bipolar a bad name. I've made forays into dating and I've encountered people who've had bad experiences with unstable bipolar people. Whether it's because of being unmedicated or a comorbid mental illness such as borderline, these bipolar people have hurt others and left a bad impression of what people with the medical condition of bipolar are like. + +However, maybe the impression is justified in the sense that almost all people with bipolar bring unnecessary drama to mentally healthy people? + +When I was unmedicated, I know the mania caused trouble. And even medicated I still have some issues and understand that medication only lessens the frequency, duration, and severity of episodes and does not fully stop it. + +It makes me sad when I think that maybe no one good will love me because they can do so much better in the sense that they can find someone without bipolar and the baggage that I carry. ",Bipolar +45895,Fuck it I'll just get drunk I'm a failure and am dropping the ball in just about every way possible.,Bipolar +45896,"Not sure what it is... Hi everyone. I'm new here as I've recently been ""diagnosed"" (I say it like that because its suspected that I have it) with Bipolar 2. I was put on Lithium and built up to 900(?) mg over the course of 9 days i believe (300 for 2 days, 600 for another 2, then 900 for 5 days followed by blood work after the 5th day). However, after the second day of 900 I started feeling what I believe is hypomania(?) only to feel completely cluttered and confused after a few hours, resulting in me feeling rather scared. A few days later, I gradually became more and more agitated, hostile, and on edge for the most part. ""Brain zaps"", knowing what they are as I've experienced them minimally in the past, are a constant thing now and are the most severe I've felt them. I go through moments where i feel like crying my eyes out because this whole thing feels so uncomfortable that its practically painful. The urge to cry also hits hard when I'm listening to music, which I've been doing A LOT btw. Also with music, I feel that its the only thing that calms me down somewhat. Yet it also hypes me up and makes me feel great. But that's somewhat besides the point I guess. I reached out to my doctor about this a few days ago and she wanted me to get off of the Lithium. Its been 2 days now, maybe more, and I'm not sure if Lithium was even the problem. As a matter of fact, I have no clue as to what it could be, seeing as I've never felt this way before. Yes, I have been euphorically happy and ""hypomanic"" as well as severely depressed, but I have no clue if its the Bipolar 2, or the Lithium. Anybody have any ideas as to what it could be?",Bipolar +45897,"Bad Generic Lamictal So I've been taking the teva version of lamictal for years and it's been very effective. However, apparently the workers went on strike and other companies are having to make it. The pills I'm getting now are completely useless and may actually be making things worse. I've told my doctor and he's doing what he can (I've been going to him for 14 years and I know he'd never try to screw me over, so I trust him), but I am falling into a huge hole and my anxiety is kicking hardcore. I've been searching for any news about when Teva is gonna start producing and shipping again because I can't live like this. Changing medications is simply not an option here +:( I should also mention I'm in college so I'm under sore hard core stress right now + +So, is anyone else having this problem with the generic?",Bipolar +45898,Considering checking myself in My skin is crawling. Can anyone tell me what the process is like when you go to the ER instead of finally killing yourself?,Bipolar +45899,"I don't know who I am I don’t know who I am, I spent so long believing I could change the world, that I had been manifested by the universe to help everyone. Now it’s gone I feel worthless, I have no purpose, my emotions control me. I hate the medication, I know I need it yet slowly I reduce my dosages because I need to feel at least alive. The absolute nothingness of depression is the worst feeling a person can experience, to not even be able to be sad is tragic. Sometimes I want to feel sad so I can feel something. I look at death and illness so I can try to feel something for someone. Every thing is pointless now. I want my purpose back. ",Bipolar +45900,"Mania and hypersexuality I've engaged with a guy I pretty much know nothing about yesternight. I have a boyfriend. It meant nothing to me (the sex last night) but I was into it. + +I tend to be overly charming when I'm manic, and with my looks I can get guys easily to do it with. The guilt hasn't sunk in yet. I love my boyfriend so much and the activity yesternight felt the same as like, having coffee to talk to someone casually. + +Any suggestions how to handle this? ",Bipolar +45901,"Some Questions From a Newly Diagnosed Bipolar Person Hey, I am 18 and male and diagnosed bipolar. + + +Currently, the only things I am taking for my bipolar disorder are NAC and fish oil. + + +I am also diagnosed adhd, so if some of this is irrelevant, to Bipolar disorder, I apologize in advance. + + +Onwards with the questions: + + +1. My psychiatrist has tried to prescribe my mood stabilizers (most recently lamotrigine), and I have refused to take them. I really enjoy the high feelings I get and don't want to give them up. I also am deathly scared of putting any drugs into my body. I do not even drink. Has anyone tried this drug? What has your experience with mood stabilizers been? + + +2. Some months, I legitimately cannot focus. Like, even reading for me is just not going to happen. I meditate every day, and during some months, getting my self to sit still is a near impossibility. I am a master level chess player, but I have to play multiple games at once to properly stimulate myself. I have found that intense exercise (especially weights and competition) help a bit. I have also used audiobooks. Does any have any other coping strategies when they cannot focus? + + +3. I am hypersexual. Like, it is all I think about. If I wasn't so busy with sports, academics, and music, I would probably sleep with a different girl at least every week. I don't even really enjoy it I just sleep with a girl within 30 mins of meeting her at a party or on a first date and then I feel like shit the next few days. Then, I think I really like her for a sec. Then next week I decided I am bored with her and it's on to the next girl. + + +The only girl I didn't get bored of was this other girl I slept with who had bipolar disorder too. She was just crazy enough to keep things interesting. She got a boyfriend though. + + +I really want a stable relationship, but my habits seem to prevent that. On top of that, I have a horrible reputation because of the number of girls I have slept with and the way I have slept with them and used them mostly for sex (although I have always had consent and never slept with even a tipsy girl). + + +How do you guys hold down a stable relationship? It seems hopeless with hypersexuality, boredom, and mood instability. Speaking of which: + + + 4. How do you deal with loneliness? I have many friends, but I still get lonely. I use sex to cope but that is clearly insufficient. A relationship would be ideal, and I am working on it, but is there anything else I can do? + + + 5. How have you reconciled giving up these manic episodes when they are so appealing not just because of the emotions but also because you are better at everything, confident, and able to have life experiences you would never otherwise have. + + + 6. How do you explain to your friends when they ask if you are on drugs right now or comment that it is like you are either ""marijuana [your name] or meth [your name] depending on the week."" I don't want to tell them I am bipolar (and I didn't even know for sure until recently).",Bipolar +45902,"Geodon causing hypomania or coincidence? I'm definitely at the beginning stage of hypomania and it definitely started at the same time I started Geodon (and I'm definitely calling my doctor tomorrow). My heart has been racing like crazy too. Super weird because it's a super low ""let's put you on this for 6 weeks so your HMO will pay for Abilify or Seroquel XR"" dose of only 20mg once a day. I'm not sure if that's even a quarter of a therapeutic dose. + +I can't find anything but some anecdotal evidence on the internet (including one post here from a year ago). Could just be a coincidental timing deal. Anyone have a further anecdote to add? + +On the plus side- my house is finally clean.",Bipolar +45903,"Newly diagnosed, need to vent. Any advice welcome My psychiatrist thinks I’m bipolar II. I struggled with depression for over 5 years, but it was always manageable. Ssris seemed to help. Then last summer they suddenly stopped working, I had my first hypomanic episode, and everything seems to have changed. This illness feels like such a heavy burden everyday, and I have virtually no coping mechanisms. I had to give up alcohol and weed, as I was becoming dependent on the former, and the latter started bringing on paranoia and psychotic episodes. I’m in my last semester of undergrad, and seriously don’t know how I’ll make it to completion. I have to write a thesis which, as you may imagine, is like fighting the final boss in a video game that I don’t even want to play. On top of my other schoolwork, I’m just not sure how to hang on. My psychiatrist has suggested inpatient care, but if I don’t finish school this semester I won’t be able to afford to go back (my financial aid will run out). This disease is new for me, and I’m scared. I feel that if I can somehow power through the last two months of this semester I can then truly seek proper help for my condition. Anyone have any words of advice/strategies to just power through the illness for a period of time? I started lithium about one month ago, I’m still on a small amount of citalopram, and now on klonopin because I can’t sleep. Sorry for the wall of text, but I’ve been lurking here for a while and this community seems pretty supportive and I just need to share with someone. My SO is good at listening and caring, but she’s also busy with her school/thesis and I dont want to always burden her. When your mind becomes too much, and your thoughts are racing so much that you can’t do anything, what do you do? When you’re so tired and depressed and can’t move, what do you do?",Bipolar +45904,"Feeling depressed and have to leave the house . Need some encourgment . Im venting Hey Everyone , Ive been a lurker in here for quite a while I really like this community. Short background on me: I have bipolar type two disorder, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, anxiety, ADHD, carpal tunnel syndrome, asthma, hypothyroidism, insomnia, Hypertension. I believe undiagnosed PTSD. I am disabled I haven’t been able to work in several years my health is just getting worse. I’ve been sick I was 19 and I’m still only 31, I’m stuck in bed and barley able to walk everyday . Im in constant pain. Not looking for sympathy or anything I just need to vent. I guess it’s hard for me to talk about on the Internet to complete strangers even though reading on Reddit is a great comfort to me. I can’t drive anymore. I need help with everything. I have to depend on my family for everything I’m lucky that I have them and that I do have least with my mom as a support system. Though I don’t have anybody to help me right now so I’m gonna have to run out and get my medication( I have no idea how I’m going to do that I’m trying to find a ride right now because I’m out of my medication. ) I’m feeling so down that I just can’t motivate myself to leave. Where I live it’s freezing cold it’s dark and gloomy. I don’t have any friends where I live, I have no social life because I’m in constant suffering constant pain . Everything causes pain. So I know when I leave the house because I have no choice I’m going to be in so much more pain. I guess that’s one of the main reasons besides being depressed that its so hard for me. I guess I just need to vent thanks for listening. Im usually more on depressed Spectrum then manic. Hang in there I take some comfort in knowing that all of us are true warriors. I hope this makes sense I’m a little scatterbrained and very tired I didn’t get much sleep last night I never sleep well. And again thank you listening Id love to return the favor. ",Bipolar +45905,"What is the best/coolest thing you did for yourself while experiencing a manic/hypomanic episode? I wanna remember it’s not all bad sometimes. So hit me w some stories guys. Or, what are some non self destructive things you like to do when manic/hypomanic? I learned/memorized the moonlight sonata during an episode. Not the greatest thing but hey, still pretty fuckin cool lol. ",Bipolar +45906,"I'm planning to end my life in August. At least now I know why i'm like this. Eating disorder, childhood trauma, abusive relationship, toxic work environment, lots of hard drug abuse 25 year later a psychiatrist finally tells me I have bipolar disorder. Feels like a lot of things suddenly click and fall into place. Why I get so restless and high energy, and so hyper focused on sex or cleaning or things like that, just to crash into nothingness. Why I always feel torn into multiple pieces. Why I can't cope with work, why i'm alone, I have no friendships, why I hate looking at myself in the mirror. + +The diagnosis doesnt change my plans for the Summer but at least now I feel a little less like a lost fish drowning, especially reading things other people wrote and how I can relate to it. Sorry if some of this sounds weird, my English is weird today + +My favorite sub got deleted today so I just wanted to share somewhere. Thanks + +",Bipolar +45907,"Have manic episodes had an effect on how you view spirituality? I'm guessing you guys are well versed with the crazy-seeming coincidences, and all the music/media speaking directly to you. After it's over I always think I was insane - which I was, but in the moment, it feels very real. It's not just music either - there seems to be some kind of ""flow"" that becomes ""visible,"" if you know what I mean. It feels pretty supernatural. Anyone have similar thoughts?",Bipolar +45908,"I have no real friends I just realised I have no real friends besides one, I even feel as though we don’t really have a lot in common but somehow we’re living together. + +I feel as though all of my university friends aren’t even my friends, I don’t feel as though I can genuinely tell anyone how I feel. Even with my boyfriend I feel as though I can’t tell him how I feel completely because he’ll worry and I’m scared that he’ll leave me when he realises how suicidal I actually am. I’ve been diagnosed with type 2 bipolar so most of the time I’m experiencing depressive episodes and a lot of the times I can experience extremely bad episodes where I don’t do anything productive for two weeks at least. + +I just want to meet likeminded people who I feel as though I can talk to honestly. Any suggestions on how I do this? ",Bipolar +45909,"Is happiness and stability truly attainable? I am 24 years old right now. I was diagnosed bipolar type 1 in October 2016 (age 23) after a suicide attempt landed me in the hospital, so relatively speaking, this is a new diagnosis. When I got diagnosed, a lot of things about my adolescence suddenly made sense. I suspected as early as age 15 that I was bipolar, but was unable to get help for a few years. +I have felt depressed since I was probably 9, and I started struggling with sleep/having manic episodes since I was maybe 12 or 13. +When I was 21, I got to university and they had a counseling program. This was when medication began. +The counselor and doctor just assumed I was depressed and had anxiety, so we medicated that, which caused further problems. I eventually stopped taking the medicine (couldn’t afford it, and especially not if it was making it worse) and things went back to normal. +So I guess that’s what I’m getting at. My normal is fairly stable. If 1 is a major depressive episode, 5 is perfectly stable, and 10 is a manic episode, I’m probably at a 3 most of the time. +The depression is such a huge part of me that even when I’m manic af, it’s only ever a mixed episode. +When I was diagnosed bipolar, we started medicating for that, and sometimes things feel okay for a little bit, but I’ve gone through several meds and combos and almost everything makes me feel worse. I either end up somewhere on the mania/mixed episode spectrum, or I feel no different at all. +As it is, a good cup of coffee makes me feel better than most combos I’ve tried, so I stopped taking anything, and I feel mostly fine. Just the usual 3-4 that I always am. +But what I want to know is if it’s possible to actually end up happy. Is there a combination of drugs that will make me feel better, and I just need to keep trying? Is there something that may be more effective than just drugs? ECT, or some kind of therapy? Or will I always live a life of being a little bit depressed. + +TL;DR: fairly recently diagnosed BD1, always at least a little depressed. Is happiness in the right combo of meds, something else, or am I doomed to always be depressed? +",Bipolar +45910,"Latuda 60mgs, Lamictal (just started-working way up to 100mgs), Lexapro 15mgs 2x a day, Buspirone 15mgs 2x a day and weight gain Let it be said that I work out with a personal trainer 3x a week. My job is sedentary (office job) but I have a standing desk which I've just recently started standing at after lunch break. I'm doing the whole Keto diet (for a year) and granted I haven't been a saint on it, I've had cheat meals on weekends and little treats here and there (also used to drink but have cut that out and used to smoke but quit that as well) but for the most part have been keeping my carbs under 50g per day and ideally I want it to be at 25g or under. My caloric restriction is at 1,425, I'm female, 5'4 and last month I weighed myself at 147lbs. I started off last year being at 137lbs (before working out 3x per day and before being switched around between many different anti-psychotics-Bipolar 2) which is MUCH more ideal and my goal weight is 125-130lbs. I understand it's going to take time...but I'm becoming impatient. I religiously write down everything that goes into my mouth and count my macros. My weight has done nothing but go up and I understand muscle weighs more than fat but I have a pudgy stomach, full face, and I can't seem to go down in weight. I will be more than happy to provide a weekly macro sheet if that would help any of you but I'm desperate for any advice, suggestions, or just telling me to calm the fuck down and just be patient :). Also, I have started running 5k's and try to run at least 3 miles of my off-training days. Thanks for reading and for any feedback!",Bipolar +45911,"7 years later: tales from an SO Hey all. A whiiiiiiile back I had a really rough week. And I [wrote about it here.](https://np.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/fy8mx/its_a_long_story_but_i_need_to_tell_it/) + +Well, I just wanted to say: + +LIFE IS FUCKING GRAND. + +Yeah, Chris has bipolar. Yeah, his medications suck. But he's up again. He's doing again. This isn't a sudden thing either, this has been slow and gradual and we wouldn't want it any other way; as if we had it faster that's... bad news. + +But... our relationship is better than it's ever been. I stuck through the worst of things and honestly the worst was only about 1-2 years. (Only. I know that's a long time but seriously, compared to eternity, it's nothing.) During that 1-2 years time I basically had lost all hope, and was only driven by my promise and loyalty to my husband. Promises that were hard to keep because he seemed like such a doppelganger. + +We kept adjusting medications. We lowered stress in our lives. I took over on all the hard stuff and I give Chris whatever latitude I can. I've lost my judgementality. Chis still judges himself very strongly and I am trying to help him be less critical. He's come a long way but he wants to help more and I think this is a good sign. He just needs to be more patient with himself. + +About 4 years ago he had another psychotic break. This was while he was medicated. But the problem was we were moving. The stress of this put him over; it's something that happens. But the second time was much milder, much easier. Firstly, everything was set up so we had a p-doc (The best, thank you Madeline, god, thank you so god damned much) and he had medication, and he was able to recognize the discrepancies. The first time through he had no idea something had gone wrong in his head. But this time he DID and it made a HUGE difference. ([Here's where I wrote about it](http://www.pushypixels.com/post/122389851999/missing-the-man-who-is-there) at one point, sorry the picture is missing my hosting screwed up; I'll have to fix that later.) + +Anyway, that was much milder and cleared up in a few months. + +So, all sounds pretty bad-ish, not GRAND like I claim, but seriously, let's step back and look at things, specifically this statement: + +> During that 1-2 years time I basically had lost all hope + +I. +Had. +Lost. +All. +Hope. + +I had lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE. He was gone. I was resigned to caring for his shell for the rest of my days. I even... god help me... I even wished for his death. Or my own. + +And NOW I HAVE HIM BACK. + +There are no words I can write to explain the magnitude of this. None. All the worldly troubles I've ever had have MELTED in the face of this tragedy. All of them. + +Anyway, hope this was worth a little read. Chris will be waking up soon and I am gonna cuddle him back into bed the moment he does! <3 + +---- + +Edit: Tips for bipolar SOs: + +During the bad times: + +* Take it a day at a time +* There's only so much you can do to help. + * Get them their pills on time. + * Force a smile, laugh even if you don't think you need to. + * Be around when you can. +* You also have to help yourself. + * Focus on work, focus on friends, focus on YOU. + * Stop worrying every second about your SO, the worries don't help either of you. + +During the good times: + +* ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF THEM",Bipolar +45912,"Should i ask to be evaluated for spd at my next pdoc appointment? I have an appointment on tuesday. I have reason to believe i have sensory processing disorder. is there any reason to bring it up? will i just be looked at as the annoying self diagnosing patient? I believe my sensory issues are a huge factor in my anxiety , especially in leaving the house and social situations. years ago i tried to tell people i thought i might have aspergers, but i just got laughed at my fam who sees me as a bit of a hypochondriac. maybe i am",Bipolar +45913,"New job, new problems So I recently got hired as a waitress! I love it and I rack in the tips all day, so nothing to complain about there. HOWEVER, I was blessed with the laziest coworkers ever. I have only been there 4 weeks, and I’ll be juggling 10-12 tables all by myself because people just don’t want to do their work. I do this while maintaining all the little tasks such as replenishing ice, making drinks, running food, cleaning tables. I have no problem doing it and do it with a smile, but it puts me under a lot of stress and it can get frustrating. Managers say it’s a work in progress but I’ve yet to see any kind of improvement. + +I’m fairly new to my diagnoses as well, I’m still learning how I function and what sets me off and how to work through the highs and lows. I recently discovered a new issue though. If someone comes at me, I get into a fight or flight kind of mode. I used to be a snazzy biatch and tell people to pound sand, but now my brain completely shuts down and I cry and try to runaway. I AM NOT USUALLY A CRIER OR A RUNNER. EVER. + +The incident that set me off last night was charging my friends card for $200 instead of $50 (he was cool and we fixed it) and then I had a coworker coming at me for not bussing HER table right away. She threw a glass at me, and yelled at me in front of 20+ people. To add to the embarrassment I had customers coming up to me asking me if I was okay. I wasn’t and I went from a high to a low, so I told my managers I needed to dip. + +Whatever, that little scene she caused was, messed me up. I drove 100+ all the way home, not caring what happened and I’ve been in bed since then. I have to return to work today and I really have no idea how to handle the situation. My managers were understanding, but how do I face everyone after they’ve seen me at my worst? I’ve also never had an episode happen in public, or experienced a high and a low within the same 15 minutes. So I guess my questions are, how do I handle it? How do I go back to work? And what do I say? And how do I get these feelings under control before they turn into a big problem? These are things I need to be able to control to be in a successful work environment and it’s something that I’m really struggling with. + +",Bipolar +45914,"as my gujurati jain friend wants scientists to investigate this would taking any nootropics induce OCD intrusive thoughts, intrusive photographic visual images and how to get rid of them? if someone can help out my friend i would appreciate it His weight is 180 pounds, he is Gujarati Indian , he is 5 foot 11, he Can certain nootropics induce OCD euphoric intrusive unwanted thoughts during years of development?Please look at the nootropics below he took andhe is trying to find a cureI took all of these in seperate order. He never took them all at once ..he took the following but not in order. He suspects prl 8 53 induced it or ganja, piracetam, lexapro, modafinil, tianeptine, aniracetam,phenylpiracetam, oxiracetam, shankhpushpi, noopept, semax, selank, colouracetam. ashwaghanda, deprenyl, weed, alcohol, cdp choline, vinpocetene, forkolin, cordecyps mushroom,gotu kola, magneisum l theronate, mucuna pruiens extract, 5htp, n acetyl cystine prl 8 53, reishi powder, theacrine, vitamin d 3, 7 8 dihydroxyflavone, nicotine solution, and sulbatimine.""",Bipolar +45915,Bipolar defending you from deep emotions? Is it possible for your hypomania/mania to start when your body knows that you wouldnt be able a specific situation? Everytime Im supposed to feel really devastated I start becoming manic? ,Bipolar +45916,"Lamictal and Memory Loss Hey everyone! I'm 17 here, going on 18. I first started taking lamictal in early 2016 to treat my depression, but only started taking it consistently a few months ago. I used to just take whenever I'd wake up, which could range from anywhere from the early morning to late in the day, but the only noticeable effect that it produced was that if I missed a dose, my body would physically crave it. + +A few months ago, I began taking it at a regimented time everyday, as to give it the opportunity to properly regulate in my system. About a month into doing that, I started to feel different. I've always been one of the sharper kids, praised for my vocabulary and my writing ability (which may not come off in this post, but I'm really just looking for help here). It's all that I really had to pride myself on at a young age and it carried over into just being a part of my identity; but over the past two months, I've just felt like I've been losing myself. I struggle to keep up in conversation, my word find seems to come and go, and I just feel slow. I know that I'm functioning at a technically normal level, but I feel like a piece of me is missing. I've also been having terrible mood swings, going from happy, to sad, to complacent, to ragingly angry within about twenty minutes. I know that I'm functioning at a technically normal level, but I feel like a piece of me is missing. + +My biggest concern, though, is that I'm experiencing brain damage, as I've banged my head up a little bit. This started getting really bad around the same time I started better regulating my dosage and I'm not discounting that as a possibility, making it hard for me to figure out if it's my medication or if I just destroyed myself for the rest of my life. At the same daily dosage for nearly two years, I've never experienced anything like this, so my question would be this: Was my irregular dosing the reason that I wasn't experiencing these things earlier and will these effects go away after I wean myself off? + +EDIT: I've had a significantly worse sense of humor over the past month. I know that this sort of thing is common, but can lamictal actually make you more serious? I can't seem to find anything on the subject.",Bipolar +45917,Feeling like I’m on a timer Yes I posted this to another subreddit sorry if you’re seeing this again but I’ve come to realize that every time I’m manic I am incredibly anxious and agitated because I know the false feeling of happiness is going to crash and burn in a couple weeks. Anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome or cope with the feeling? ,Bipolar +45918,"Nurse on Night Shift Hi everyone. I'm just no sure what I should do and I'd love some input (especially if there are any nurses on here). I am graduating from nursing school in May. I already have a job lined up on a floor where I already work as a secretary. I've always worked days. When I start working as an RN, I'll probably have the option to work days (7am-7pm) or nights (7pm to 7am). I still don't know which to choose. I know that working nights is generally a bad idea when you have a mental illness because it messes up your circadian rhythm. But days are faster paced and higher stress and I know that high stress is also bad I you have a mental illness. Either way, I'm screwed, but I really want this job. I'd love some insight from anyone who has experience with this. Do I a pick high stress job (days) or a messed up schedule (nights)?",Bipolar +45919,"Is this bipolar? Im 30 y/o and i just went to a psychiatrist for the first time. I have been wanting to go for years but felt like ive never had the time. There has been a lot of drastic change in my life for the past few years, most of it for the better i think, but lately its just getting harder to deal with all the emotions at once. What prompted me to finally make the appointment was that i had 3 one night stands in one week. Whenever i tell a friend this it seems like im bragging, they say they dont see the problem. But the problem is i didnt feel like i could control my urges and i actually got seriously physically hurt because of it. I actually forgot to mention this episode to the doctor during the session. Still, she prescribed me 25mg of Zoloft which im starting next week... i did some research and i think i may be mildly bipolar. But is to possible to get to 30 before needing to be diagnosed? + +Im starting medication next week. Not sure what to expect. ",Bipolar +45920,"Medical marijuana- does it help or hurt? I have a few diagnosed mental health conditions. I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety as a child and cyclothymia as an adult. My current therapist sees BPD traits too. + +I changed psychiatric care providers and during my intake appointment the APRN suggested medical marijuana. They told me it would increase the efficacy of the stimulant and mood stabilizer I am on. They also claimed they would be able to replace the benzos I dislike taking. + +My childhood was absolutely difficult but I don't really see how it would result in PTSD (the only psychiatric condition that medical marijuana is approved for in my state) + +I am looking for studies and information about the use of medical marijuana in combination with traditional psychiatric care and therapy. Is there any validity to the claims it will help boost my medication? I am quite interested in CBD for anxiety. I have used marijuana in the past recreationally and of course I like it. Just this fact makes me feel like a big phony. I'm concerned but mostly because I can't find much research on it. Any help is appreciated. + +",Bipolar +45921,"Lamictal - Vaginal Issues (please be kind) Ladies on Lamictal, any issues with itching, burning, yeast, or vaginitis? Label identifies vaginitis as a reported side effect - though I bet prevalence is unreported due to embarrassment. I am 33 and have never had a single issue ""down there"" my whole life - totally bumming me out. ",Bipolar +45922,"I need help getting out of mania. Hey, this is my first time posting on this sub, I just need all the help I can get. I’m going through a separation/divorce, and I’ve been having a manic episode for about a week. Can’t sleep more than three hours a night and I’ve lost about 6lbs. Cant seem to come out of it no matter what I do. I did stop taking all psych meds about 6 months ago, before this all happened, aside from the occasional xanax and switched to thc edibles for sleep at night. It was working pretty well for me until this all happened. Is there anything in particular that you could recommend for stopping mania? I’m fucking desperate. ",Bipolar +45923,"Abilify is scaring me So recently I was 'diagnosed' by a psychiatrist. I see a psychologist these days, we really just talk about things and I don't find that particularly helpful. I swing between horrible depression and even worse panic attacks/spells of psychosis. I used to drink to 'level' myself out but in the past 4 years that really hasn't helped things and just made the psychosis worse. Also my current gf has a flat 'no drinking' policy. + +Anyway after 6 months being on the waiting list at the ONLY place my GP would refer me too, I was given a 1 hour assessment and a script for abilify. I have a long, LONG history of eating disorders along with the alcohol abuse. This past 13 months I have gone from being a happy 78kg (I'm 6ft 2) to a huge 115Kg because I don't have my crutch of alcohol anymore. + +I'm scared of abilify. I just took my first dose. I'm terrified of the weight gain. When I was 16 I was put on seroquel and I blew up like a baloon which STARTED my crippling ED bullshit. I told all this to my psych and he assured me that Abilify was 'completely side effect free' and 'weight neutral' but my pharmacist was flabbergasted and told me I could expect a similar trail to Seroquel? + +So toss the meds and get a second opinion? Or is it not as scary as all that? Can anyone tell me they've had ANY positive experiences with atypical antipsychotics? ",Bipolar +45924,"I got married too young I’m bipolar II. I receive no treatment because I simply cannot afford it. I breastfeed my 8 month old daughter and can’t afford therapy. + +I’ve never felt 100% certain in my choice to get married or have a baby. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing, my life is a series of rapid cycle. I want to have sex with everyone, I’m attracted to everyone but my husband, I wish I’d never got married, never had a baby (though I love her so much) and my mind is SO FUCKING CONFLICTED. I met him 2 months after escaping an abusive relationship, slept with him the night we met, he moved in within 2 months, we were married in just over a year after finding out I was pregnant. If I didn’t know my child, I’d have wanted an abortion. But now I know I’m my baby, I can’t put her through adoption etc - I love her so much but have NO will power. + +Also, tonight I sexted with my friend’s ex. The ex and I are good friends but this was insane. He’s mentally unstable too. What the fuck am I? + +I believed in God, but now I’m not so sure. What God would let me feel this way? I can’t control my emotions - I’m neurotic. But now it’s going to affect my tiny human’s life. What the fuck have I done? + +Edit: extra info,I’m in the UK. Waiting lists for mental health are averaging on 1y-2y long and I can’t afford private/to pay for queue jumps ",Bipolar +45925,"What do you do when you have a depressive episode? How do you manage? I'm on effexor 225 mg lamictal 100 mg and depakote 250. :( I want to talk more.. But too much effort. Sorry. + +Edit: thank you every one who answered. It helps to know I'm not alone. ",Bipolar +45926,"[Trigger heavy, i guess]Depression is back again. And i'm scared. I was doing so well. I got back to school. Life was going fine. + +I wasted 6 years doing nothing because my mental health always gets in the way and *DESTROYS* everything. + +But out of nowhere it all comes back again. School is getting harder day by day. The first hint of melancholy has transformed into a cold apathy and desire of self destruction. + +I cannot handle failure this time. Not again. + +I usually don't self harm because i really dislike self inflicted pain even though i am a masochistic by nature but i still managed to stab straight into my cephalic vein just so i could bleed. + +This is not me. But i never know at what state my mood is in before it is all too late. I feel the ""same"" as always. But all the signs are there. + +The spark, happiness and light is gone and now i just feel this disgust. This is the darkest and most ominous my depression has ever felt even if it isn't the most severe it has been. + +I want to rip out my guts. Bleed out all my blood. Set myself on fire. Just purely *destroy* myself. + +This can't go on. I can still prevent this from getting worse but i don't know who to reach out to or even that should i. Everyone is too scary. I feel like i just need to hide and wait for this to pass instead of getting into trouble by talking to people. + +Sorry if my text is a bit incoherent or rambly. I don't even want to think about these things much less write about them and it makes my brain go fucking haywire. I just need something external to tell me this is not okay because i never feel that anything is wrong even if it is hitting me in the face. Be it escalated moods or bedridden depression. I just never ""feel"" my own moods.",Bipolar +45927,Would I be happier/healthier in a warmer sunnier climate? I live in the Great Lakes area. Winters are long and cloudy. Every year it seems I’m thrown into an episode triggered by the winter season. Has anyone found relief by moving into a sunnier more livable climate? ,Bipolar +45928,"3.5 years diagnosed, 1 official year off meds.. I was diagnosed right after losing my mother at 18. When initially diagnosed, I got put on a cocktail of meds hoping something would work. I was watched closely to try and figure out the cycle of my mood swings. I had a regular therapist and a psychiatric nurse I saw every week trying to figure it out. I stuck with it until a year and a half ago and decided being on a fluctuating list of meds(that may or may not work/have ugly side effects) sucked. + +Until a year ago I was in a pretty toxic relationship too, of course half of that due to myself. I had no idea what bipolar was, or what it meant, until I was diagnosed. I’ve since been diagnosed with GAD(generalized anxiety disorder) and PTSD to top it off. + +I have a vicious rapid cycle from manic to depressive and stable periods in between which I’ve been able to prolong. As stupid as it sounds, changing my diet(less caffeine/sugar/heavy foods), having a schedule and sleeping more regular has done fucking wonders for my ability to function. + +Everyday is still a damn challenge but I lost my mom to this disorder and I’m not going to let it have me too. I refuse. + +P.S. A hearty salute to everyone still trying to figure out their own medical cocktail that will allow them to deal with this shit maybe just a bit easier... you guys rock. ",Bipolar +45929,"Differences between bipolar 1 and 2? So a week ago my therapist told me I was displaying symptoms of bipolar disorder and at the time he thought I was manic -- with that being said, what are the differences between bp1 and 2 other than hypomania and mania? And how can I tell the difference between a manic episode and a hypomanic episode?? I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week (two, actually -- trying to see if I should switch), and I'm kind of??? Really confused. +I'm not sure if when my therapist said manic he meant hypomanic, or if it was just an assumption and I shouldn't even be here. +I'm just struggling with figuring this out..",Bipolar +45930,"Seroquel to Depakote ? Hi guys... + +I have taken alot of medications nothing worked but seroquel.. but the weight gain is so bad and the fatigue. I've tried lamictal (got the death rash), tradozone, paxil, prozac, zoloft & more. My other physician suggested genesight and the only medication compatible with me is seroquel.. (allergic to others i've taken). + +My psychiatrist picked depakote 500mg delayed release for me.. any of you had good or bad experience with it? I'm so done with medications.. I wish I didn't have bipolar.... if I can do it without medications I would.. feeling hopeless is just bad. + +",Bipolar +45931,Life is hard... Quit my job today because I just can’t do it anymore. I filed for ss but I doubt I’ll get it. Thank god I have a supporting wife. I am an Uber driver too so I at least have some income coming in. Anyone else have issues keeping a job down? I go to school full time so it’s draining. ,Bipolar +45932,"Running out of meds to try I'm so jealous of people who've been on their meds for years and they work for them. I, however, can't find a med that works for me. It's been over 3 years and I've gone through pretty much every med out there. Some work for a bit and then stop. Some I have horrible side effects. Right now I stopped Zyprexa about 2 weeks ago because I gained 15 pounds in two weeks and that's a deal breaker for me. So now I have no clue what I'm going to take. I have to be medicated or else bad things happen. Not really sure if anyone can help, I'm just sort of ranting. ",Bipolar +45933,"Massive disagreement between wife Bipolar Type II, OCD, and GAD + +I really appreciate anyone that takes the time to weigh in on this. + +My wife’s parents did not like me when we first started dating. They were incredibly restrictive and would only let her out to see me once a month. We got tired of that and started sneaking around to see eachother. During that time we had sex, and for LDS culture that is wrong before marriage. Her parents are very strict Mormons, and are the type to judge the hell out of you and spread rumors throughout the church. + +Come 5 months after dating, they filed police reports that I was a sexual offender/rapist, and needed to be imprisonment for the protection of their daughter. This paper they wrote up was so detailed i wouldn’t be surprised it was in fucking MLA format. It was all based on things she had wrote in her journals, which they photocopied as well, and attached to the police report. They then destroyed her phone, threatened not to let her go to church because I was there, + +This went all through the regional church, and suddenly my family and myself were completely ostracized. Incredible restriction went by for the next year and a half. During that time they started using the money in her banking account without her knowledge at all. They didn’t stop until threatened to sue (which under the circumstances I was able to), which they then suddenly had all the money appear again. She was saving for when she turned 18 so we could get her the hell out of there. Which we did. + +Once she turned 18 she moved in with me, we severed contact for months with her parents. They stated her sisters weren’t allowed to come to our apartment because they feared I’d rape them. Blocked anyone that supported us from Facebook and any calling/texting, and they went on like nothing happened. + +Now she has gone a long time without any support besides myself and my parents. We are still active in our church, but one very far from where this all happened. She doesn’t feel like she has any support from anyone, so she started turning to her parents again. Her mom is incredibly manipulative, and has proven herself to be. + +For the last few months she has been trying to essentially convince me that if I just let it go, talk to them, and suddenly be happy about it all again, everything will be better. + +I was diagnosed with BPII only two months ago, and before that I had to drop out of my double honors meteorology chemistry major program because my depression ruined my GPA, lost my scholarships, lost my job. Since then I’ve been seeing a therapist twice a month, changed all my Meds around, and got my grades withdrawn and been recovering. + +My therapist was appalled to hear this story, and thinks I’m completely justified in not wanting to have anything to do with them. I have told my wife many times, I will talk to them when I’m ready, and forgive them when I’m able to let it go. But after she goes to dinner with them very Sunday, this topic comes up, where I need to forgive them, start going to dinner, and fix all this. The thing is, she wants me to fix it her way and for what she wants. Which under other circumstances would be completely viable, but I hate them. I hate her parents for two years of absolute hell. To this day they have never approached or tried to talk to me in person, haven’t apologized. Nothing. For me, that is the first step, they need to initiate it. Then I will talk. My therapist agrees, and honestly doesn’t think I need to fix this at all right now and thinks I’m completely justified in the way I’m thinking. + +Am I over reacting? I don’t know when I’m overreacting with my anxiety, and been in a depressed episode for a year now. + +Any thoughts would be appreciated. + + +",Bipolar +45934,"Stages of bipolar? I know bipolar isn’t just mania and depression. What I live with confuses me so much. Sometimes I know I’m manic or depressed, but there are so many in betweens and feelings or behavior I can’t explain. I think I’ve heard of ... hypomania? ... can someone explain the different stages I guess of bipolar, other than depression and mania?",Bipolar +45935,"Will lamictal help me more than lithium if I mainly struggle with depression, not mania? I have been taking lithium for about a year, since my last stay at the psych ward, and I have not spiraled into depression like that since. + +But I can't remember the last time I daydreamed, the last time I felt like drawing, reading, playing the piano, anything that matters. I'm not alive right now. + +So I'm thinking lithium is probably destroying me more than helping me, because depression is my problem, not so much mania. (I have experienced a bit of hypomania, it was very uncomfortable but I popped Seroquel when it got bad and it passed) + +So I think I really need to try lamictal. What should I tell my ARNP? All my insurance covers is this pirate lookin dude who barely speaks English, so I have to do the talking",Bipolar +45936,"Zyprexa and liver issues Anyone else have issues with Zyprexa and their liver? My ALT liver enzymes are through the roof ever since I started taking it. I have had a couple of liver ultrasounds that have shown no problems. I'm probably going to ask my psychiatrist about switching to another medication, but has anyone else had this problem?",Bipolar +45937,"Cymbalta and Abilify Hi, I’m currently on 15mg of Abilify and have had a great experience with it. Yesterday, I started 20mg of Cymbalta. Any experience with these meds? ",Bipolar +45938,Do you ever walk around your home for hours doing nothing? I do this often and then it’s like I snap out of it and realize hours have gone by. ,Bipolar +45939,"Changing med times I take quetiapine every night at around 10 pm. I missed a dose last night because silly me forgot to pick up my repeat prescription so I'm running on 0hrs sleep. I'm exhausted and want to take my meds now (8pm) and then go back to 10 pm tomorrow but I'm wondering if that'll affect me negativly. +",Bipolar +45940,"Extremely anxious about helping a friend next week I haven’t really seen any of my friends in about two years due to severe depression, mental breakdowns, and moving and all that stuff. A friend of mine had a baby not too long ago and asked if I could help her with something all day in about a week’s time. I know it’s really important that she get help for this, and I thought it over and said that I would. + +I DO NOT want to cancel. I want to be a good, reliable friend (which I haven’t been in the past due to...well...bipolar and anxiety disorders). + +I’m anxious about getting sick, about being around people for 7 hours, about doing something that requires me to talk to people, about having IBS in a public area. + +I’m going to take Imodium, I’ll bring Xanax and other meds with me, and I’ll steal away to the bathroom if I need to. I know, logically, that everything will be fine. But I’m having major major anxiety because I’ve been on disability and away from people for so long. Aghhh. + +I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, support, or if I’m just venting. But thanks for reading anyway.",Bipolar +45941,"Venting about getting help Just venting since I would like to get therapy and psychiatric help but it’s so hard to start when I switch constantly from anxious and restless to sluggish and always exhausted. + + + +I have a history of severe depression since like 11 years old but the SSRIs I took when I started treatment in high school made me manic. Now I’m 25, a few years back my doctor started treatment for bipolar after I had severe anxiety as well but the medication I took was very powerful and the side effects were harsh and I was in school so I stopped... it’s now worse than ever, and as a result I don’t really have the sleep schedule or willpower or energy or mental frame of mind to get medical help or therapy. + + + +No matter what my mind wants it gets vetoed depending on my state, so ultimately I don’t get anything done and just spend the day unfocused. I also have severe agoraphobia depending on the mood/cycle I’m in, usually when I’m depressed, so I rarely leave my apartment. I know if I could just get started and get to a doctor it would get a lot better. + + +Thanks for listening",Bipolar +45942,"""Drunk"" on antipsychotics All antipsychotics mess with my vision. I feel like I'm drunk. I've been on 4 different ones so far and they all do the drunk vision thing, which makes me feel like I'm going to topple over when I walk since I'm so wobbly. That is no exaggeration. Well, my eyes move up uncontrollably and I get double vision sometimes. + +My psychiatrist insists that this is from being dehydrated, but that's not true. My pee is clear and always has been. So I know I'm not dehydrated. + +I'm just so frustrated. It takes about 6 hours to wear off. + +I know this vision thing is due to antipsychotics, because whenever I skip my antipsychotic, I don't get double vision.",Bipolar +45943,"Obnoxious people in group therapy I’m doing an 8 week bipolar/stress management program. It’s the first group I’ve ever attended despite having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 7-8 years now. I’m getting a lot out of it and I mostly enjoy the group format... except for that. One. Fucking. Guy. + +He’s racist, he’s obnoxious, he overshares, he tries to work in how much money he has into every conversation, and he just won’t shut the fuck up. Tonight he “shared” his biggest trigger, which was having so much money he has to talk to the bank a lot and he hates it when he has to speak to stupid people in call centers he can’t understand. He has to talk to the bank all the time because he has sooooo much money - like SEVEN FIGURES - and its soooooooo hard. He doesn’t attend every group, but he’s irritated me since the first time I met him - I’m legitimately pleased when he’s not in the group! Tonight I wanted to walk out! + +There’s a diverse mix of people at various stages of illness that attend and I get along with them just fine, I just can’t stand this asshole. Thank fuck there’s only one session left. + +How about you guys, any group horror stories? + +",Bipolar +45944,"Looking for insight. My dad has struggled with bipolar since his teens. He's 60 now and I'm 36. I have some trauma from my childhood because of his manic episodes in which he became violent. I can remember at least 3 episodes where he had psychosis. My parents divorced but lived together on and off for years. Apparently my dad's doctor released him and said he was ""cured"" and didn't need any more treatment 10 years ago or so my mom tells me. + +Well fast forward to this past Thursday my dad had an episode of psychosis following days of mania and there was a lot of alcohol involved. He apparently hallucinated that my mom was screaming at him and being horrible to him and he's hospitalized right now. The police found him wandering the streets at 5am. I saw him Friday morning in the emergency room and he was still babbling on and on rocking back and forth and seemed to be scared of something, I think demons possibly from what he was babbling about. + +Well he was given a shot and moved to the crisis center in the local hospital. I visited him today and finally got him to sign a release stating his doctors can talk to me. But he still believes that my mother was screaming at him and doing horrible things to him which are not true. + +I let him tell me all of this and my mom was there visiting too. I didn't say much because I needed him to trust me. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and claims the doctors told him that he is fine and not bipolar at all and they've given him pills to calm him down. My mom said he can't come home and she wants nothing to do with him ever again and all of his care is in my hands now. + +Mostly I'm just venting here. I want to tell him he was hallucinating but he still isn't well so I'm guessing that's not a great idea. I feel he will come around and realize he was hallucinating but I don't know how bipolar works. I don't know what's going to happen to him now. ",Bipolar +45945,I think part of the reason I'm bipolar is because I let external forces sway my opinion. Thoughts?,Bipolar +45946,"Sleep Medications I wanted to know if there are any good medications out there for sleep. I can’t sleep on my own. I currently take 300mg of Trazadone but I fear it’s loosing its effectiveness. What are some other options that, I hope, don’t cause weight gain? Thanks!",Bipolar +45947,"Drug advice I am 26 and have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder after a manic episode that lasted a month and a half. +I’ve dealt with it my whole life but never saw a doctor for it. +In the beginning I was given an anti depressant and Adderall for ADD. +The Wellbutrin (anti depressant) made me horrendously depressed and mixed with Adderall incited violent, irrational and unpredictable behavior. +I then was prescribed Lamictal for my mood. +All three of those sort of mellowed me out. Then I decided to stop Wellbutrin because it made me incredibly forgetful, even to the point f frequent black outs and loss of time/days. + +So now, I am currently on Lamictal and a very low dose of Concerta. The concerta is doing nothing. +I have horrendous ADD and my memory is pretty much wiped clean every week. +I am also extremely EXTREMELY tired mentally and physically every day which is not ok because I am a runner and an avid biker but I haven’t been able to work out in weeks because of this exhaustion. + +So basically, any insight on the right cocktail ? +Thanks for bearing through this rant. +-Meezy ",Bipolar +45948,"ease my fear of medication? i’ve been diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features and some other illnesses for a year or two now. finally going to try medication in the upcoming weeks... but i’m freaking terrified. i keep watching videos and reading experiences about it, so many people say how horrible medication of any sort is and i just don’t know how to feel. i don’t want to totally lose my identity and my sense of reality, but i also don’t want to deal with the turmoil of my emotions and paranoia yadda yadda yadda... +i keep fluctuating from “i really should give this a shot, it’ll be okay” +to “omg, i’m going to become a zombie, become boring, and get horribly sick and die IMMEDIATELY!” + +any of you who are on medication, do you regret it? are you happier now? is it a necessary evil to feeling better and working for recovery, or is it a welcomed support? sorry to cause such a fuss over this, just anxious as hell )-: +",Bipolar +45949,"I'm home here, thank you all I can shout, cry, or mourn without judgement. +I feel motivated to listen, reach out, and do what I can to ease the burden of others when I'm able. +Through reading the situations that sound like my own, I learn about myself and the dangers of our condition. + +For all the salt on reddit it's been an incredible discovery and has definitely eased my adjustment process since diagnosis. +Thank you to you all for being as patient and as understanding as others are to you here.",Bipolar +45950,"Medication Shame Today, a colleague was talking about how 'lithium, the thing used in batteries and other stuff' was also being used to medicate people with 'mental problems'. That those people would end up with scrambled brains. At first, I was incredibly embarrassed and upset. However, I decided that I needed to say something (I'm reasonably close with the other colleagues present, although they don't know about my BP, they know I've had depression etc). I told this individual that I take lithium and I suffered from depression and Ocd as a teenager. He asked me if I was worried about taking 'something they use in batteries' and I explained that there are many chemicals that are broadly used and that taking lithium helps me to be the best version of myself. Everyone was kind of awkward and I told them that it wasn't something to worry about and that mental health issues need to be discussed openly. The colleague later came and apologized incase they had offended me. + + +My point is: don't feel ashamed because you are taking your medication. Be proud because you are working your ass off.",Bipolar +45951,Vraylar Hey guys I posted this on another forum but I was just seeing if anyone has taken it or heard good word about. I’m on lithium for my bipolar 1 and it’s severe but I was wondering if vraylar is good too?! Stay strong guys:D -MTA ,Bipolar +45952,"What to do? I'm on an upswing, and I think I'm way too high into the swing now. I got pretty much zero sleep yesterday and I've just been gogogo since yesterday morning. Like super intense in everybody else's faces passive aggressive get the f*ck outta my way on a freakin' mission. I feel like I'm going to explode at the first person who opposes me but I'm also super excited and happy about everything and I just have so many great awesome ideas on how to improve my business and diversify my market to I really am going to change my industry if I could only grasp and hold on to some of these ideas for more than a god damned second. But man they're going way too fast I cant even write them down but I can feel that they're great ideas! Everything is just speaking to me so clearly and everything makes sense now and everyone knows I have these great ideas and wants to hear them. + +But I know I'm manic and I know some of this is exaggerated but I don't know where that line is. I don't know if I want to know where that line is. Why should I stop? Why should I filter myself or slow myself down just for the rest of them? But I can hear it in my hubby's voice that I need to dial it back a bit at least. I don't know if I can though. I don't even remember what I was going to ask anymore so I don't know if anyone could make sense of this and figure it out and read between the lines but I feel like I have a deep connection with all of you so I think you guys know what I'm saying. I totally love you guys, like love love. Like I'm pretty sure I would be jumping all of you guys LOL. Cool beans, good talk. Have fun tip your waitress",Bipolar +45953,"Therapy suggestions? On and off meds. Hopelessly in love with my ex/bestie. Hey so I was wondering if you guys had any suggestions of helpful therapies? I've done the standard/""basic"" kind of therapies and it's just not helping. I have a kickass Psych who has me on a good medication set up right now. I've been going on and off my meds (sometimes I forget to pick them up for too long or can't afford them every once in awhile). The guy I was seeing threw me head over heals and quickly became my best friend as well as a serious love. Unfortunately we aren't talking right now (long story I'll spare you the details) and I just can't get over it. I've been trying for a few months and can't get the ""loss"" of a love AND bestie through my head enough to accept it. I'm happy for him that he's found someone else and all but I'm still getting panic attacks, obsessive thinking, and really deep lows. I'd like to not be as reliant on my meds as I've need to be. So that's why I'm looking for maybe some alternative therapies. Has anyone had luck with therapies like hypnotherapy, outpatient intensive, or anything else??? Even done at home things that have been beneficial??",Bipolar +45954,New BP1 I was recently admitted for a short involuntary stay at the county hospital psychiatric ward. My s/o took me because I had a breakdown last Monday & cut myself and was threatening suicide and really wanted it. I was so scared and angry with my s/o for forcing me to go. I was screaming and crying. The hospital itself was dirty and it was overcrowded. I slept for 12 hours and then woke up to be told I was being “admitted” to my surprise because despite my arm being cut up I felt okay and wanted to go home. The unit I was taken to was the only available one and it was a schizophrenic unit. Wow the things i saw and experienced were remarkable. I left with a bipolar 1 diagnosis and it makes a lot of sense to me and am started on Latuda for about a week now and don’t feel any different. Cut again on Monday. Hoping for a break in this depression. ?,Bipolar +45955,"300mg Lithium enough for BPII maintenance? My doctor started me on 300mg / day in 2015, and in 2016 increased to 600mg at my request. It was my first time getting treatment for BP specifically, and it helped me get to the stable place I am at now. However, I am suffering side effects related to lithium (weight gain, acne, diarrhea, memory/focus issues, dry skin, drowsiness/slugishness) and want to reduce my dose back to 300mg. I am now taking 400mg lamotrigine, so I feel like that should be stable. +However, I can't find much research on levels that low. I'm meeting with my doctor next week, but in the meantime just reduced it and feeling more alive. I asked my partner and a friend to let me know if it seems like I am starting to get hypomanic. I hope that this can be stable, because it feels nice to lose the bogged down feeling. I want to be vigilant about distinguishing the feeling of a good mood from hypomania. Does anyone have experience with low dose lithium and or cultivating self-awareness about good + stable moods vs hypomania?",Bipolar +45956,"Great Day, thank you all. This group has been so helpful to me, I really appreciate everyone's honest sharing. + +Today I had my second visit with the new pdoc. I got a really good vibe from her during our first meeting last month. She spent over an hour with me and really listened and then presented a measured plan of changing up meds. + +I think the new meds are working as I feel more like myself lately than I have in a long time. I saw the pdoc again today and my good vibes were confirmed. I think she can really help me. I brought in a print out from the mood tracker app I have been using (which I learned about from you guys) and she praised me for being a ""perfect patient,"" lol. + +I feel really lucky/grateful to have found a provider I have confidence in. Just wanted to share a bit of the hope I have with you all.",Bipolar +45957,"Every time I'm in an argument I question and doubt myself I'm currently in a fight with my boyfriend and I can't stop asking myself if my crazy is showing. + +How do you know if your feelings are logical and reasonable? I've felt justified before when I wasn't medicated and can see where I was clearly wrong while looking back. I'm fully medicated and have been doing really well, but I keep doubting myself now. + +",Bipolar +45958,"Anybody found a way to put the depressive episodes to ""good use""? Please forgive me if this is an ignorant post or common knowledge or insensitive to the community. + +I'm just wondering if there is any advantage that can be found during the depressive episodes, or derived from the experience of passing through depressive episodes. + +Either during or after the fact. +",Bipolar +45959,"Bipolar 1 side effects Went to the doctor for tendonitis and brought up to the second doctor of the day about me being Bipolar 1 and he was the first doctor in over 6 years to bring up: Hyper Sexuality as a side effect. ?? I am +well aware of that and that's partly why I ended up moving away from Branson, MO area and deleted dating apps after meeting my serious bf. I said I didn't want to end up pregnant and he was worrying about me getting diseases. I was like oh yeah that's important too to avoid those lol ?? it cracked me up but it was awesome that he knew to bring that up without me bringing it up. He sounded very aware of the impulsiveness and crazy boosts of energy I experience. I also got asked when my last mania episode was, ""right now"" is not a good answer but the truth. I'm trying to suppress the urge to go spend all my money, and I can't go run because of the tendonitis in my left foot. I've been hyper for days but I'm trying to be okay. Been off meds since October and I've been great up until this month. Manic Depression is weird but I'm a pro at it. Have a Happy Friday! ?? ",Bipolar +45960,"alcoholism Sigh, unfortunately, I've fallen into a hole. I'm definitely becoming an alcoholic, even on my medications, as my reasons for drinking are not associated with my mood disorder. However, I'd like to know how exactly it messes with your body while you're on medications? I drink daily and I'm on Geodon 40MG a day, Lamictal 25mg a day, and Zoloft, 20mg a day. + +Is anyone else suffering as well? I'm in an unhappy relationship but we live together, and I don't have enough money to support myself, so I've been drinking everyday to stomach all of it...I know I should stop, but I really don't want to....",Bipolar +45961,"Random extreme passions - is it a bipolar thing? /u/renagadethrowaway recently made a post about extreme passions to things that evaporate very quickly and I was wondering if that is actually caused by the bipolar disorder as it seems some people in this community share the issue, or is it just a personality trait that has nothing to do with the disorder. I haven’t found any research on it, what do you think?",Bipolar +45962,"Struggling with new medication, and shame. I was diagnosed with bipolar ii three years ago. This is the first time I've been on mood stabilizers. I had a lot of shame when I was diagnosed, and they started me on anti-depressants. After awhile, I stopped taking them. Stopped going to my CBT appointments. Essentially went MIA because I felt like everyone around me was treating me like I was crazy. + +My highs and lows have been out of control lately. After struggling with self harm when I was depressed, and nearly quitting my job and deciding to move to another state (I didn't.) I decided I needed some help. + +So, now I'm on 300mg of seroquel. I just started it so I need to give it some time, but every fiber of my being says 'flush them.' I feel like I zombie, and I'm wondering if maybe I can just learn to cope instead of being on medication. I smoke weed sometimes to help curb my anxiety, and help me sleep. Sleep isn't an issue now. + +I know there is a good chance I'll gain weight, and I'm already pretty overweight so that idea alone makes me feel really shitty. +I'm ashamed to be on medication again, so nobody in my family knows. Just this thread, and one friend, now... + +I feel alone in all of this, so I suppose that's why I'm writing here. Thoughts? Suggestions? + +*edit, added a sentence and spelling correction",Bipolar +45963,"Disengaging from my friends Fuck. Fuck man. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm pushing away the people who can help me the most because I feel like a drama queen and I feel like I am a burden to them and I feel embarrassed because I don't want to make a spectacle of myself. + +We have a weekly game night on Thursdays. Last night I really wanted to bail - I left work half an hour late and the day started off shitty - but my friend asked if I could bring him a sixer of something, and I'm always there for my friends when they need me. So I snagged it and showed up. Felt flighty, left an hour in when I realized I just couldn't people anymore. + +Cried the whole way home. Depressed as fuck. + +I don't want to change my meds right now. Last time I changed them I got real fucked up. I'm on Lamictal 150s. I close on a house in three weeks, and I'll have a real bed, instead of sleeping on a pull out couch. I won't be in direct contact with my family constantly. Gaslighting. Half-apologies. It's frustrating. + +I think I'm not sleeping enough. It's been this way for 8 months now. 9 months. I just need a good nights sleep, maybe I should get a hotel for a couple of days just to get some fucking sleep finally. But honestly I don't want to spend the money when I'm close to getting the house. I'll need to buy out fuel, pay for utilities & cable 'installation' (even tho I have my own modem), and my first mortgage payment is 18 days after closing. It feels tiring. + +Like, I'm not stressed about the house. At all. My mother is. She picks at it like, 'I don't think you're going to like the commute' 'Are you picking out the shingles for the roof? No? That's a mistake.' 'You can't put a roof on in winter.' And she was stressed about it *for me* in the beginning because she thought it was a 2 bedroom house *even though I sent her the listing that showed it was a 3 bedroom*. And she was stressing ME out, where I had all my shit in order. + +I've had all my shit in order so much that I haven't had to gather paperwork or do anything for the past 3 and a half weeks. I've been twiddling my thumbs, just *waiting*. + +And I texted a couple people from game night, who haven't texted me back. And I'm stressed about it. And I'm worried they all collectively decided I was crazy and to stop talking to me because that's what I tell myself when I'm depressed - that I'm useless and a burden and everyone would be better off without me. + +Even my friend who I was supposed to babysit for on Saturday hasn't gotten back to me. I feel so alone, and I feel like I'm doing it to myself. Because I am. + + + +Edit: Heard back from one friend. Still on for babysitting at least. She's awesome. People don't hate me. + +But I still feel crappy.",Bipolar +45964,"Obsession/Strong passion that quickly goes away For a lot of my life I have become completely obsessed with many things. They feel like passions. They feel like it's the best thing ever. But then I suddenly lose interest. It happens on small and large scale. Small obsessions go from being completely obsessed with one music artist or style of music for maybe a month or less to a point where I can't think of anything else. I play the same stuff over and over and over again and eventually lose interest and move on. This happens to a lot of people but it spreads to other things. A lot of my hobbies are like this. Sculpture, painting, working out, video games, there's do many. On a larger scale: When I was in college I switched my major 4 times because I would get completely obsessed and passionate with the major then suddenly I would lose so much interest that it became hard to go to class, focus, do homework etc so I would eventually switch majors. My last major I decided to stick with because I couldn't afford to change any more so I just dealt with it and did the minimum to get my degree. This happens with jobs too. I'll really truly love a job, work there for 6 months and then start dreading it every day. + +My hobbies do this, my interests do this, my life is just like this and I don't want it any more. I try so hard to be passionate for things and sometimes these passions come back for a bit but nothing sticks. Ever. It never has. + + Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone have any advice? I'm 26 and I can't keep living my life like this. ",Bipolar +45965,"Anyone else’s sleep schedule totally screwed up? I mean, generally. When anyone asks what my sleep schedule is, I basically say it’s either nonexistent or incredibly erratic. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Can anyone else relate?",Bipolar +45966,"I gave up my old career in return for a happier, healthier life. I went to medical school as a healthy, bright 18 year old, but within the first year I had my first major depressive episode and suicide attempt. At 19 I had my first manic phase - a month long binge with multiple sexual partners, drug use, and irrepressible urges to study all night. Spontaneous and irresponsible acts were my forte; I decided that Morocco was my spirit country, and whisked myself off the next day. I gained a reputation amongst my friends as mercurial and fun, but inside I was imploding; my second suicide attempt followed the month after. + +In my mind the problem was Medicine. This stressful, hypercompetitive environment was obviously causing my mood swings; no way was this an organic health problem. So I left med school at the beginning of 4th year, and began teaching Maths - and I was great at it! This career change had solved all of my problems, and I was tippety top flying high fantastic! Life couldn't get better, right? + +Wrong. The depression came back, harder than ever, sending me spiralling down into a deep, dark chasm. I was admitted to hospital and diagnosed properly, treated and sent on my way a month later, armed with mood stabilisers, CBT worksheets and a new found passion for yoga. I thought I could just ride the wave, surfing with the sun on my face when times were good, and paddling against the tide when times got bad. I never imagined I'd be dragged under again. + +But I was. The stress of teaching caught up. The long hours, the constant need to be 'on' and engaging, the marking, the data tracking, the free time spent planning, the expectations, the meetings - they slowly pulled me down until I was drowning, exhausted from fighting the tide, and ready to accept defeat. + +But three months ago I stopped fighting. I left teaching, and I felt the wave pull me up, lifting me toward the surface. Each day that I got up was a victory that brought me closer to sunlight. I chose to leave behind the stress that was threatening my survival and anchoring me to the ocean floor and I put myself first. + +In a few weeks time I start a job working part time as an activities coordinator for the same psychiatric hospital group that I was admitted as an inpatient to. I tutor for an online company, and I'm happy. + +I'm not dipping and diving on the surf with the wind rushing past, but I'm not inhaling salty foam beneath the surface either. I'm just sitting on my board, content to be.",Bipolar +45967,"Any experiences of how long my insomnia will last from stopping Seroquel? I am now on the lowest possible dose of 25mg. I'm finding it really hard to stop though. I don't seem to be getting any other withdrawals apart from insomnia. It's relentless and I'll just not sleep a single minute. After a couple of nights I end of caving in and taking my seroquel. + +Does anyone have any experience of how long the insomnia lasts or any advice? ",Bipolar +45968,"Bipolar or ptsd? Some of the symptoms are so similar, how do you know which one you have?",Bipolar +45969,"CBT? DBT? Anyone had good experiences? I'm running out of drugs I can try. Vibryd, Lamictal, Latuda, and welbutrin worked for two years but then I crashed and i'm back to zero. Have tried many drugs but pdoc is useless for therapy otherwise. Want to try other therapy stuff in concert with drugs. Does anything work on bipolar?",Bipolar +45970,"How do you know if your emotions are real? Hello, BP2 here. + +This might tap into a more philosophical topic, but I can't tell the difference between my actual emotions and my mental disorder. Being BP2, its hard to tell whether I'm actually motivated and happy for once rather than hypomanic. The depressive episodes are easy to tell apart from reasonable sadness because I've suffered from severe depression (before my BP symptoms manifested) so I can tell the signs more easily. But with mania, I just don't know. + +I can never tell when I'm actually getting better or if I'm just being hypomanic. I don't know if I'm actually genuinely excited about life because I've finally gotten a handle on my mental illness, or if my mental disorder is just playing tricks on me and secretly transitioning me into a hypomanic episode. + +I feel like I'm going crazy, having relapsed multiple times over the years. + +So I guess my question is, can you tell the difference between genuine emotion and your regular BP symptoms? If so, how?",Bipolar +45971,"Your first honest realization: I am bipolar / I have bipolar (depending on your preference) This is what I’ve been going through for the last several weeks. All the signs have been there since I first tried to kill myself at age 12. The mental health professionals declared it so when I was 15 in a lockdown, but denial runs deep in my family. Anyhoot, an official diagnosis will be coming soon, I’m 99.9% sure of it and 0.1% hopeful I’m just an asshole. + +That said, it would be nice to hear how other people felt or what was going on when they had their first honest realization about being bipolar, be it before or after an official diagnosis. Thank you in advance, this sub has been helpful. ",Bipolar +45972,"My math professor gave me a chance to catch up and take my midterm on 4/3; I've been trying to but any advice? I was honest with my professor, told her my medical issues and diagnosis. Admitted if I took the midterm I'd fail, and would like to request extra time. She's wonderful. Next week is spring break, I have until April 3rd. + +**Can't focus on studying, always tired, have headaches, fog, etc. It's ONLY with Calculus.** + +How in the world do I work around this? I'm so lost. + +If curious: + +1. My psych left the clinic and I was told to go somewhere else through my insurance. Month long wait-time, appointment finally on March 30th. + +2. Constant suicidal ideation. Went to school counselor and psych, was told to ""try and get a goodnights sleep"" and ""it's just thoughts, right""? No help, didn't care, didn't even try to change my medications. + +3. On Klonopin .5mg, Lamictal 200mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, Buspar 10mg-x2 + + +**TL;DR - Please give me advice on how to focus and not sleep or pace my hours away to study and catch up in Calculus. I received a 46% on my first exam...A & B Student in everything else.**",Bipolar +45973,Jury Duty? I was summoned for jury duty on Monday. Should I tell them of my illness?,Bipolar +45974,"Lithium experience and advice I'm taking lithium for the first time. After the first month, I'm at a therapeutic dose but my body isn't responding to it. My depression is persisting, so on Monday my doctor is going to talk to me about adding something like Abiifity. + +Has anyone ever reached the therapeutic dose and have it not work? Has adding medications worked? +Even if your experience is outside of my request, I would love to hear about people's experience. ",Bipolar +45975,"How does lamictal help for you guys? Hi guys, I've just recently discovered that I believe I have bipolar ii disorder and I've started the process of getting treated. I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist which I will be seeing next month and in the meantime I've been researching medications. One particular one I've been interested in is lamictal. It seems perfect for me since I suffer more from bipolar depression as opposed to mania plus it doesn't seem to have as worrisome side effects as lithium. For those of you on lamictal, what kind of symptoms did you have in order for your doctor to prescribe it? And does it work well for you? ",Bipolar +45976,Does anyone else constantly think about the fact that you’re BP and it makes you really depressed all the time because it’s always on your mind? Like you wake up happy then you’re like “oh yeah I’m BP” and then you just keep thinking about it and you end up staying in bed all day getting nothing done,Bipolar +45977,"Progress is not good enough I have bipolar 1. When I go manic I go full hallucinating manic. When I get depressed I get dangerously close to killing myself. + +I’m better now where I ride waves of hypomania and depression. I feel like that is progress but it isn’t good enough. + +I’m not perfect. I don’t want this illness. I can’t control how stable I am. I take my medicine, I do my cbt and DBT coping techniques. + +I just wish people wouldn’t expect me to be stable all the time. I’m trying my best. + +Can anyone relate? ",Bipolar +45978,"Advice: The Dead Sea, saltiest place on Earth, second to her. New Relationship, and best described as dating a pretzel... Twisted, salty and I can't get enough! I'm a 22 y/o Maori male and have been seeing this choice as lady for a coupley months, she's 30 and deals with type 1. We just started living together, and she has 2 awesome young girls, who also seem to posses the ability of growing horns on command. I don't know how to explain, that I enjoy playing with fire aware of getting burned. The unpredictable is such a turn on, from good vibes present to more energy than a lightning storm. I haven't known her personally for long, but majority of her previous relationships with family and partners has been a path of hardship through physical, mental and spiritual violence... Due to their lack of understanding/empathy. I'm fortunate to have personal stability, and have so much stength to support this beautiful lady, plenty of time for her daughters, as want to provide them with the guidance and opportunities that, I took for granted in whatever they wish to pursue. It's still early days, and she's a really independent lady, a survivor not a victim, so there aren't labels yet as such, as she struggles with romantic feelings as much as guys. She doesn't take meds, but from previous experience, they bring about a numbness. I strongly identify with spirit/natrual alternatives (as a Maori, not just crazy) if anyone has any suggestions? At times she goes really queit, and you can feel the static in the room, I just haven't grasped, how to bring her out of this headspace, as she is so independent and hasn't had a partner that can support and just listen, without anger or wanting to fix everything she keeps quiet. Her thought manifests in the environment and is like static electricity. she seems to resolve issues like a male through self reflection, rather than a verbal release. Laughter seems to help, so I try change her pattern of thought with humour, but the downside being i dont know what's appropriate at times. Last thing I want is to come across as her mother, especially since early days but I'm all about the family values and just here for support. To listen rather than reply, these ears aren't painted on. If anyone has any advise on this situation, dealing with my lady who could make even the devil breakdown on Jeremy Kyle. Would be much appreciated. She's so worth it, without darkness we'd never appreciate how good the light is. Nothing worse than a basic b*tch, like a challenge.",Bipolar +45979,"this disease is ruining my life im only so young but why me? why was I born with bipolar disorder? theres nothing good about it, one hour im happy and im productive the next, i hav destroyed all relationships with everyone i know, one day im smiling and im doing fine and i feel happy, then the next i want to kill myself and i think of trying",Bipolar +45980,"Just diagnosed. Looking for some help with this. I was recently diagnosed and put on Lamictal. +Looking back on life, I realize how bipolar has made me act towards certain aspects and has really turned my life upside down. +I don't know how to recognize the episodes, or what to do even when I do recognize one. +What is the best thing for you? How do you know when you're going through a depressive or high episode?",Bipolar +45981,"Um, is it me? So, I finally got an appointment with a real psychiatrist two weeks ago and was diagnosed with bipolar (II). However, at the time I couldn't believe how the office was set up. You walked into a waiting room with two receptionist windows on the other side. The receptionists sat behind frosted glass windows that were closed, and in front of each was one of those bells. There were no signs specifying which window to go to or even saying ""please ring bell for service"". I must have stood there fidgeting for 3 or 4 minutes before finally knocking on the window lightly (no way was I gonna ring a bell in a quiet office). Then, while I was filling out my paperwork they decided to turn on music and it was the Braveheart soundtrack. So, I'm sitting there listening to the sountrack to a film where someone gets disembowled and it occurs to me that they can't be THAT stupid and they must have hidden cameras or something to see what their patients do in such an uncomfortable situation. Now, two weeks later I'm like, ""um, you totally thought someone was watching you on a hidden camera"". So, since I've never dealt with psychiatry before, was that being delusional, or is that honestly something plausible?",Bipolar +45982,"Never-ending Guilt Trip I place the blame on myself for so much in my life. At work, at home, in my relationships...even when my dog is being a buttcheek I wonder what I did wrong to make him act like a brat. Recently I confronted my ex about something he did that made me uncomfortable and upset and I think maybe he hates me now. So of course I'm in this downward spiral of ""Wow, I ruined everything, like always"" but mixed with ""I shouldn't have said anything, what did I gain from this?"" + +All I can feel now is this giant weight of guilt pressing on me and I'm not sure what it will lead to...hopefully trying to open up more to other friends will help. + +Please tell me someone here can relate. ",Bipolar +45983,"Been a bit hypomanic lately. Just went on a cleaning spree of the apartment, now it is clean and organized. What's the best thing you have ever done while hypomanic? Been feeling hypomanic this week and today I went on a cleaning spree of my apartment. + +I rarely clean or organize anything, so there was a lot that needed to be done. Granted, my apartment is 400 square feet so there isn't a lot to clean but it felt really good to have it clean and organized. I still need to clean my desk but I think that's just a lost cause at this point. But the kitchen is spotless and a lot of the clutter has been dealt with. + +Sometimes hypomania isn't a bad thing! What's the best thing you've done while hypomanic? ",Bipolar +45984,"ADD Inattentive and BiPolar II ... anyone else? Hi there, +I am 30 yo female who was diagnosed as ADD Inattentive in Highschool, prescribed all those study candies and made it through college (where I began binge drinking and smoking pot)... also had a bout of serious depression and started Lexapro, which lasted only about two years . I am very petite and was taking high doses of Vyvanse (70mg) and also Adderall (30mg tab) for studying. I had what I would call my first “episode” in college after smoking a bowl... fast forward to five years out of college and still taking Adderall and vyvanse and ambien, gained about 40lbs. I wanted off of that shit so I quit taking it and quit seeing my doc. When I didn’t have any left since I stopped seeing the doc, I became addicted to Benadryl (3 at night) just to sleep. + +Anyway, I went on a trip and got some pot candy, and I got sick and then I was prescribed a 10 mg prednisone. That’s when the mania started, it was full blown mania for about 10 days, before I went to the hospital. I don’t remember everything but I was signing everything! I couldn’t stop, it was weird. + +Anyway sorry for the long post, my new doc has me on Seraquel 200mg and vistiril along with a bunch of supplements (I am trying to get away from big pharma). My problem is now I am still very distracted due to the inattentive ADD, during work I don’t work and I’ll pick at split ends or google stuff that’s irrelevant. My new doc said NO to stimulants and even said I should not drink coffee. He also said I can do pot or alcohol but it is dis-inhibiting, so basically watch out. Now I am in a depressed state, and I should be happy. + +My question to others is how do you deal with bipolar and inattentive add? It’s a tough combo but I am trying to take things one day at a time. ",Bipolar +45985,"Anyone else not trust their emotions? I've been feeling abnormally happy this week/two weeks, I haven't been all that active, but was put on Seroquil I think 2 months ago? (Sorry can't spell the name.) Any one else worry way too much about real vs artificial happiness? ",Bipolar +45986,"Stimulants for Bipolar II I have had Bipolar II for about 14 years now, and have been on stimulant medications for perhaps six. I recently switched from Dexedrine to vyanse, but I was wondering if there is anyone else who takes stimulants to help with the depressive state and lack of motivation that comes from Bipolar II? I find they do help a lot without making me go too manic, just enough to be extroverted.",Bipolar +45987,"Medication Frustration (Triiger warning- mentions suicide and ED) long I am new here (36 f) and have commented some, but this is my first post. +I started a little over four years ago to try and find some relief from all the bad things going on in my mind. The only other time I had been to a Dr to help with my ongoing mental issues was when I was 22 and in college. A GP prescribed me Zoloft and up the dosage a couple times and then basically didn't schedule any follow up appointments. I basically went full out party mode and made terrible decisions, lacked impulse control, and was hyper sexual and engaged in a lot of risky behavior that I am still embarrassed about even today. I eventually stopped taking the zoloft after about a year because my ex found out I was taking it and he said I had no right to be depressed because my life wasn't that bad(he was very emotionally abusive). + My father was bipolar and we lost him to suicide and my sister is also bipolar. I had no idea that antidepressants alone could trigger a hypomanic/manic episode in some one with bipolar. +I knew that there was always something not right with me, I would have terrible bouts of depression. I attempted suicide at 14, luckily it didn't work, I just screwed up my stomach and I never told my parents. My family never talked about emotions. I didn't even know my dad was bipolar until after his death. My mom said he never believed it and refused to take medication for bipolar. +Fast forward to about four years ago, I break down and tell my husband that I can't take it anymore and need help. I never admitted it to him, but I had a plan for suicide and it scared the shit out of me. On the outside my life seemed great, married to my husband who is amazing and the love of my life, we have two healthy kids(I also have an older children from my previous relationship), and I am a stay at home mom (which is something I really wanted). I had extreme anxiety and depression though. I started seeing a therapist who eventually said I needed to see a psychiatrist because I most likely needed meds because my issues were not going to be resolved with therapy alone. I started meds and did an inpatient program for Eating Disorders because I had an existing ED and felt myself falling back into old, bad habits in order to deal with my anxiety. The ED treatment was great, but my depression and anxiety were still out of control. +I told my psychiatrist back my past with zoloft(I was finally realizing my behavior while taking it was probably caused by being on it alone). We tried a few antidepressants and they all made me feel irritable or angry. My Dr then starts adding mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to the mix. I look up more on bipolar disorder and start to think that maybe what's wrong with me, especially with my family history. I ask my Dr if she thinks I am bipolar and she says no because I don't have any type of hypomanic/manic episode and says she changed my diagnosis to mood disorder. We try a bunch of different combos, either they don't work or the side effects are so bad I can't handle them. All things she is prescribing me is medication for bipolar disorder. After three years she then starts prescribing me things I already tried and didn't work the first time. I got a new Dr. +The new Dr asks right away if my old Dr thought I was bipolar after I give her the list of meds I have already tried. I see her a couple times and she says she thinks I am bipolar and my extreme attacks of anxiety that come along with not sleeping and being paranoid and suicidal are episodes of dsyphoric hypomania. I am now on my third med change with this Dr. All together I have been on 30 different meds in a little over 4 years. I am so frustrated. I am always med compliant, I really want something to work. I was just on Fetzima and lamotrigine. I am so irritable and can't sleep. So my Dr took me off the Fetzima because she thought it was what was causing me problems, I think it might be the lamotrigine. She said it was unlikely, but I had the same trouble with Vraylar and Rexulti. I am now on the lamotrigine, oxcarbazepine, and mitrazapine. It's been a week off Fetzima and I am still extremely irritable and not sleeping well. +Sorry about the life story. I am just so frustrated and want something to work, but I feel like I am starting to run out of options.",Bipolar +45988,"Does anyone else experience different types of personality surges? I have never been clinically diagnosed, but the closest symptoms I’ve detected are in the bi-polar category. So I was wondering if anyone else encounters this? Its not like multiple personality disorder where each personality takes over the body and does their own thing. While the main personality doesn’t remember at all or is forced to be in the back. I’m conscious and can “control” each one of them, I can basically bite my tongue before bad things happen. + +One side is apologetic, can’t make up my mind, sluggish, sleepy, full on emo emu depression mode, pushes everyone away, and doubts everything and everyone. One side feels like its just a burst of anger; Like it can easily make someone cry by just telling them off, a demon in its own way. While the other one is bubbly, fun, can do anything and everything, the life of the party, a daredevil, a creator, an artist who can easily pull all nighters. + +Is this how bi polar works? I know there are like manic phases and etc. Are those it? Please and thank you everyone",Bipolar +45989,"Have been taking Lexapro 10mg for past 4 days. Feeling like my depression is gone since yesterday. Not sure if it's Lexapro or if it might be a hypomanic or a manic phase.(X-post from r/depression) I'm not sure if cross-posting is allowed. Here is the [link to my original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/87a00b/have_been_taking_lexapro_10mg_for_past_4_days/) on r/depression. + +**TL;DR** Not sure what type of depressive disorder(PDD, Smiling Depression, SAD, Cyclothymia or Bipolar 2) I have. My psychiatrist started me Lexapro 10mg and based on how it goes, he said we could try switching to mood support meds. I've been taking Lexapro since Thursday and I've been feeling like my depression is gone since yesterday. I'm worried I might be in a hypomanic or a manic phase(got told by my psychiatrist that Lexapro elevates the mania and asked me not to take it if I'm in a hypomanic or manic phase). + + +I met my psychiatrist last Thursday and we talked about my depression. I've always had ups and downs in my life for a few years. But I always thought it was because of my actions that caused then and not the other way around. I'm still not sure what type of depressive disorder I have. Since I had like 2 weeks time before my appointment, I did a bit of research reading about the depression types and how each of them is different in their own way. So I told my psychiatrist that I wasn't sure if had the persistent depressive disorder, seasonal affective depression, smiling depression or Cyclothymia(aka bipolar lite). + + +When I was doing my research and if there was something relatable to me or if something similar has happened to me before, I noted them down as a list. We talked about how I identified that I was depressed and all the points on the list. Then he told me that even he wasn't sure if I had Dysthymia, smiling depression, bipolar 2, or cyclothymia. So as a general procedure, he said that he is going to prescribe me meds to help with depression and if it doesn't work, he is going to prescribe me mood support meds for cyclothymia or bipolar 2. + + +He prescribed Lexapro 10mg to take every morning and asked me to get back to him in 2 weeks about how the meds were working. He also warned me not to take Lexapro if I feel like I have a hypomanic or a manic phase as it might elevate the mania. + + +I've been taking Lexapro since Thursday and I've been feeling like I'm not depressed since yesterday. I was not sure if it's my hypomanic phase and I didn't take my meds today. + + +So these were the differences that I noticed in me yesterday compared to the day before: + + +* I feel fresh, more energetic, and I feel like I got back my motivation to do things. +* I've been procrastinating to buy my vitamins for a week and I ordered them yesterday (I still have vitamins for the next couple of days) +* I smoked close to double the number of cigarettes than I did during the past few days +* I was clenching my jaw more than usual and today morning, I had a little pain in my enamel +* I've been hitting my bed at 12ish and could sleep only by around 4 or 5 in the morning and I slept for around 4 hours for the past couple of weeks. I started using melatonin for last week and it helped me get to sleep by 12. I used to sleep for 10 to 11 hours on melatonin. But last night, I didn't take melatonin. I went to bed at 12 and slept in a few mins, and woke up at approx 8. +* I planned my family's trip to the US (have been wanting to do this for weeks) +* I could never stay interested in a single topic for more than 10 mins max. I watched the entire Dota 2 loregasm playlist by SirActionSlacks. It has 12 videos and it took around 3.5 hours to finish. I watched the whole thing without any break. +* I completed the tax return process on Sprintax. I still have to take a printout and mail it, but I got my w2 and access to Sprintax like more than a month ago and I've been procrastinating to finish it. +* Finally, I usually don't write this long posts if I'm not on Adderall (diagnosed with ADHD), but I'm not on Adderall now. + + + +I want to wait a couple of days to talk to my psychiatrist about this. Before that, I just wanted to make sure if it's Lexapro or a hypomanic or manic phase.",Bipolar +45990,"Starting to doubt I have bipolar? I'm a 26 year old woman. I was going through a really rough patch, considering suicide, etc. So I booked an appointment with a doctor. The doctor referred me to another doctor who discussed the possibility of having bipolar. At the time it made sense, I could see how I fit many of the symptoms. +In order to get a proper diagnosis, I need to first speak w a psychiatrist. I have an appointment this Thursday. + +I'm now starting to seriously doubt that I have bipolar. I'm no longer feeling so down, i actually feel fine. I'm starting to question whether I have bipolar or if I'm just being a little dramatic? Doesn't everyone do wild stuff now and again? My friends all have crazy stories of wild shit they've done. All similar to mine. And normal people feel down sometimes too. Right?? + +I'm dreading going to this appointment on Thursday because I'm embarrassed to explain that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just dramatic and a bit of a cry baby. What should I do? Should I cancel or go and just apologise for wasting this doctors time?? Or could this all be in my head??? Help lol ",Bipolar +45991,"How did the whole diagnosing process work ? Do you feel like it made your life better or worse ? Someone whose opinion I care about told me recently that he thinks I should go see someone and get medicated . It started kind of a big fight , and at the time I was really angry because I didn’t think he understood what was going on . I took some of the meds they would probably start me on when I was a teenager because of these seizures I was having , and I told him I would literally rather die than take them again and feel the way they made me feel again . I hated being in a fog all the time , not feeling anything at all ever , the weird side effects . He tried telling me that I could tell them that and that it didn’t have to be like that again , but all I heard was ‘ you’re being over dramatic and crazy’ . Which isn’t really fair to him . I’ve never been professionally diagnosed with anything ever , but there’s always been something not right . It’s gotten worse the last few years , more and more intense , to the pint I don’t even believe myself when I say I can handle it myself . I guess if I’m being honest , I’m fucking terrified to even think about getting diagnosed and getting on meds . I’m terrified of not being me anymore , because even when I feel awful and like I’m drowning in darkness I know that I’m gonna get this high again and be ok . I’m scared of getting told I’m crazy . +And I’ve never admitted that before and now I feel more fucked up than before . ",Bipolar +45992,"Throwaway, can I vent for a moment? I'm currently undiagnosed (getting there.. why does it take so long to see a pysch?), but I had one of those ""oh shit, I was so crazy I convinced myself I wasn't crazy"" moments a few months ago after I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital in the middle of the night while going through a month of full blown mania without really realizing what it actually was. I didn't want to get hospitalized so I kinda lied my way out, Idk why. I probably shoulda gone but I just wanted to talk to someone and in the moment the idea of a hospital bed was the last thing I wanted. Feels fuckin bad man. I didn't ask for this shit. I really should have seen the signs earlier though. I was such a bright kid and then when I was like 16 I just dropped off the face of the earth. Or when I was 19 and I drank myself into a near coma and flipped my car 3 times and walked away without a scratch, or that time I dropped out of college suddenly to become a plumber after sleeping 16 hours a day for months, or when I was drinking myself into blackout daily just to cope with the pain. + + I am so very fortunate to have a wonderful girlfriend that cheers me up when I am down, but sometimes she gets upset when im ""away"". Sometime's I'm ice cold. I just check out from the world. Nothing gets in, and nothing gets out. It's like an emotional hostage situation. It might be for a day, it might be for a week, but I'm just gone. I just get so wrapped up in all of my racing thoughts. They kill me. I suffered from some serious childhood abuse so I often flashback into those memories (definitely have a ptsd diagnosis coming as well) and then before I know it, it's an hour later and my already shitty mood is just shot to oblivion. I am so. fucking. depressed. + + I've moved to a new city a year and a half ago and I don't have a single friend in my area besides roommates/girlfriend. Honestly, it scares me to talk to anyone I haven't known for years at this point. My desire to engage in friendships is shot. I would honestly rather fuck off in my room and work on my projects all day and night. Sometimes I feel like code is the only thing in this world that makes sense. It just is, or it isn't. There's no grey. And that brings me to the next thing... + +Ever since I realized that there is actually something wrong with my head, I have been lower than low. I pride myself in my mind and my work. I refuse to be limited. I just can't accept that for some months of the year (when I'm low), my critical thinking is shot. It makes me feel so fucking useless. And somehow, despite all of this, I am doing relatively well for myself. So there's that I guess. I do seriously wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up. I just can't really help but feel that there is just no fucking point to anything anymore besides my work. I don't feel as if I could ever possibly achieve happiness, so I spend my time working towards some stupid never ending monetary goal. In mania, I have a hard time discerning what is real. The one thing that I can understand is that money is the only god, and with enough money you can do anything. So I pursue this because it is a constant, providing stability above all else. If I could fuck off to some island with my girlfriend and enough books/a working computer, I don't think I'd ever come back. I feel different. I'm losing my ability to blend in. I just act.. very eccentric to put it in a good way. And I feel like its becoming noticeable. + +I guess that's the end of my ramble. I feel embarrassed when I open up like this. Sometimes I find it hard to believe there are people just like me who are struggling just as much..... It's a lonely world.",Bipolar +45993,"Does anyone else have the urge to stop taking their meds? I struggle with the urge to stop taking my meds all the time. I'm tired of the weight gain and the side effects. The anti-psychotics seem to have the worst side effects. But I know if I stop taking them, I'll turn into a crazy bitch. Yet, even on medication I still also struggle with impulsive sex with strangers. Does anyone also still experience impulsive actions even on medication? This is something that makes me feel quite ashamed and is not healthy. ",Bipolar +45994,"Depot (long acting injection) for bipolar Hi all. I currently work mixed day and night shifts, taking lithium and quetiapine. The lithium causes no problems for me but I'm really struggling with having to delay my quetiapine (otherwise I'd be passed out at work!), and I can see a pronounced reduction in its effectiveness. + +Is anyone here taking depot antipsychotics, and if so, which ones? I am thinking this might be a better option for me as the drowsiness of APs is a real problem for my working life. + +Thanks ",Bipolar +45995,"Side effects/medicine advice. First I want to be honest, as far as I know I am not bipolar. BUT, I am epileptic and we take a lot of the same medicine. So I am asking you guys, because I can’t seem to get any useful advice elsewhere. + +I take, Divalproex 500mg, and I feel like complete crap while on it, and weak and and tired, and depressed most of the time, mood swings, I don’t hardly eat. I also have still have seizure while on this medicine. I won’t have health Insurance through work for another 2 months. I don’t know whether I should keep taking it or wait till I talk to a neurologist. They can’t seem to figure out what the source of my episodes are, I’ve don’t many test. This is my second medicine. The first one ( Levetiracetam 500mg) it didn’t seem to help either, I was very depressed and suicidal on that one. I’m just terrified I’m going to keep having episodes. Any advice would help. Stop taking my current medicine, and wait, or continue and tuff it out. Thanks in advance, I really appreciate it",Bipolar +45996,"I’m so stressed and tired and over it. So I’m in college now diagnosed about 2 months ago but I’ve been dealing with Bipolar for like a year and a half now. I have so much going on with life and I just can’t handle it anymore. I do theatre so right now I’m designing a show, trying to do homework, trying to balance my meds because the ones I’m in now don’t fucking work, I’m in charge of setting up a banquet for our department and EVERYONE keeps talking shit about it. I can’t take it anymore. Why do people have to be so mean? Why can’t they understand that I have feelings and I have a lot of problems right now?? Why do all these things have to pile up on me now?? Why can’t I just be better now?? Sorry for the long rant but I just need to talk to people who kind of get it. I don’t know anyone else who’s bipolar so no one understands how I was fine with all the stress last week because I was manic but now I can’t because I could barely pull myself out of bed today. ",Bipolar +45997,"Bipolar with social anxiety Hello! +I am new here and I figured I would find a chat board that I can relate to. I've been diagnosed bipolar for over 12 years as well as ADHD, PTSD, trichotillomania and social anxiety. My fiance and I just recently moved and what two friends I had turned out to only want me around because I finally got my disability and had income finally. Given that, I'm back to having no friends again in my community. It's painfully hard for me to talk to new people as people see me as socially awkward and just not someone to fit in anywhere. With that said I was just hoping to make a friend or friends who know what my struggle is daily with these conditions. + +My fiance and my dad are my friends right now, but I would like some females to hang out with and talk to. My fiance and I are getting married this year in October so I am under a lot of stress and my anxiety is really high. I don't bite much, tend to have a good sense of humor but I'm way to good at seeing through people. If someone's fake I know it pretty quickly which also keeps me isolated. I just want a friend. :(",Bipolar +45998,"Two week long depressive episode I have been deeply depressed for two weeks. My psychiatrist doubled my dose of my mood stabilizer so that may play a part, but lately getting out of bed has been nearly impossible. I am on the brink of losing my job because I can’t get myself to plaster on a fake smile. My friends don’t want anything to do with me because I’m such a downer. My mom thinks I’m just being lazy. I’ve lost interest in everything and have spent hours just staring at my ceiling. Can feel my quality of life diminish and my doctor can’t see me for another three weeks. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I’m scared. ",Bipolar +45999,"Can i be bi-polar For 3 years i have been struggling with depression and anger. 2018 has been hell. I have lost 2 friends this year, and January my parents divorced, and my mother whomst i was very close to moved out of the country, leaving me with my asshole dad who doesn't love me. + +I have periods where i am low all of the time. These periods i have this constant feeling of sadness and self-hate. Last year i had a suicide attempt. + +A few months pass and i am suddenly very angry. I want to kill everyone and everything. I have been arrested a few times for violence. + +Then i have a week where i feel superior. Noone is as good as i am. I am a legend and everyone else are inferior. + +Disclaimer i am norwegian and my english isn't all that great + +",Bipolar +46000,Advice?? Does anyone have any advice on how to approach a doctor about a possible misdiagnosis? And/or what to expect if I do? I'm starting to think that the initial diagnosis of BD might actually be BPD. I've cross referenced the two and am starting to doubt. I'm currently medicated for BD and I'm not sure if I would need all the medications I'm on. I don't want to screw up the balance I have but I also don't want to live with the side effects of certain meds if I don't have to. ,Bipolar +46001,"Finally something positive I nailed another interview this morning. And have a phone interview this afternoon. This is the longest ive been without work in 4 years. Its driving me crazy. But im pushing through. Even when my life feels like its in shambles, im pushing through. + +I got squeezed in to see my psychiatrist yesterday because things were getting extra bad. Got prescribed depakote. Had some wonderful dreams last night and woke up this morning ready to jump back on the horse. + +Im still having some issues with wanting to push people away though. And im almost drowning in stress. But i will pull through this.",Bipolar +46002,I'm so unhappy with where my health is at. I'm overweight. I have constant headaches and my anxiety is through the roof. I had such a bad panic attack that I thought I was having a heart attack last week. I constantly have stomach pain. I'm so exhausted I can barely function. I can't focus. I have no motivation. I'm on 60mg of prozac and 40mg of Latuda and it doesn't seem to be doing much. I switched psychiatrists and I still have two more weeks until my first appointment. No doctor has been able to find the cause for my headaches/stomach aches and I'm beginning to think it's just anxiety related and nothing will ever help. I want to be functional again.,Bipolar +46003,"Hypomania or Depression? (BPII) So, my therapist wants me to monitor my mood and how often it switches from hypomania, to depression, to neutral. But for a few days, I've just been annoyed with absolutely everyone and everything. Usually when I'm hypomanic, I'm in a super good mood, with the grandiosity, the rapid speech, feeling like I need to do everything all at once, etc. Sometimes I have a tendency to get super annoyed at people for stupid reasons, but it's always paired with the other symptoms. The past week, however, I've only had the irritability, none of the other symptoms, and I don't know what to call it. I've never had this before, but can the irritability come with depression as well as hypomania?",Bipolar +46004,"Business travel w/ bipolar? Hi Friends - + +I've got Bipolar, but i've also got a cool startup job. They want me to travel for three weeks a a time, which I just can't do given my sleep schedule and the time zone changes. HR knows I have ""health issues"" that prohibit the trip duration they want, and they asked me to make a list of what I am able to do and what I am unable to do. So far, I have the following: +- Must have solid 9 hours off-set for sleep +- Trip duration of no more than 5 nights - + Must have set schedule of work hours + +What am I missing? What else do I include? Clients are film production people. + +THANK YOU!",Bipolar +46005,"Finding a job when depressed is impossible. Finding new job I stressful by its nature for anybody. But when you depressed it gets million times harder. Fact of not haveing no job a specially if you have absolutely no savings is hard. Amounts of stress are incredible and thoughts spiralling arround head aren't marking it any easier. And there comes depression when doing anything seems like impossible amount of effort. So even if I make myself to apply and get to interview it is all for nothing. There is absolutely no one who would hire me I know I wouldn't. Everyone looks for someone happy, enthusiastic someone they will like to work with. There os no chance in the world they will like me I don't so why anyone would. + +Another think is when I think how I lost mu previous job. I have been harassed and discriminated for long time. My manager was not being but hostile towards me to over a year. I know is not how everyone behaves but it makes me feel worse. + +At this point I have no job and no perspective to get one. I have no job so I have no money and I mean 0 nothing. I can't pay bills, rent, buy food. I can't sleep my thoughts keep spinning arround everything. I keep thinking about killing myself. Not only because I'm depressed AF but I don't want to end up on street. I can't find anything to hold on to. I've been suicidal before hell I tried to kill myself but this time is bad it is really bad. + +I lost all hope. I can't stand other people. I'm lost.",Bipolar +46006,"Mania?? I was diagnosed with bipolar over 4 years ago. We have a difficult history. Last September I started a med (latuda 80mg) that actually works! I’m actually stable for the first time since I was diagnosed. + +I was super anxious last night and realized something. I quit my job this month. I’m impulsively spending and it’s causing issues in my relationship. I’m not sleeping much. I cut all my hair off yesterday after pulling an all nighter and I’ve been very anxious. I feel pretty shitty about myself and now I’m scared that I’m starting to lose control again. I made a therapy appointment and I talk to my psychiatrist again in a week.. +am I manic or am I just over thinking this?",Bipolar +46007,"Are any of you successfully managing your condition without the use of prescription medication? Hello. I was wondering if anybody is able to manage their bipolar condition without being on medication? + +If so what are some aspects of your routine that help you prevent mania and depression? + +I know its not the norm or even encouraged methodology, but I do hear about people doing this and was looking for more stories. + +Thank you.",Bipolar +46008,"My job has become too much. What do I do next? I work at a coffee house/bar. I've been in there for almost five years. I've even been told I'm a crucial part of the team and promoted to assistant manager. + +I like certain parts of my job: restocking, getting everything in order before the end of my shift, making drinks (coffee & booze), flexible hours (I work 3-4 days a week). + +For the longest time I also loved the company culture. They seemed to really care. And I love most of my coworkers, and they've become close friends. But lately it seems like the company doesn't care at all, and besides making me feel undervalued, my day to day experience is also incredibly stressful. Management has made this job pretty toxic, and I've been super depressed for months (maybe I would've been otherwise, but the focus of most of my depressive thoughts has been my shitty work environment). + +I'm feeling really ready to leave this job, but I'm also terrified about what to do next. + +I don't really like dealing with people all day. I've gotten by this long at my job without losing my shit mostly by being the utility player and spending more effort keeping things running smoothly while other coworkers do more of the small talk that I find so emotionally taxing. But, if I can avoid it, I'd rather not go into another customer service job. + +I've considered so many different careers, and I've gotten pretty enthralled with each idea for a time & then talked myself out of every one. I've seriously considered nursing, social work, teaching, and making toys/theatrical puppets/art directing sort of deal. + +I just don't know what I can do that'll give me the time off I need to function while being fulfilling and not emotionally draining. + +Do you have any advice on selecting jobs/careers? + +I'm just feeling so overwhelmed by the prospect of making these decisions, but I don't feel like I have the luxury to put off these decisions any longer because this job has really gotten to the point of pushing me over the edge.",Bipolar +46009,"Now that I'm finally balancing out I'm terrified how much of my life has passed and how bad I screwed things up It's been a long road but I've finally begun to get some normalcy in my life. I really went down the tubes for a while, a long while, and I made a lot of decisions that have left my ""old life "" way in the past. + +I feel like I have a twin, old life me, who had the life I wanted to have. Then it all fell to shit. Then there's current me, the remaining other twin, who's life is, well, crap. I mean I'm a loser, not being down, I just am. + +The thing that really freaks me out though is when I look back - so much time has passed, yet I feel stuck in cement, going nowhere. + +I had suicidal ideation for years, bad, and that's gone away lately. Which is cool. I actually want to live again, only problem is I can't shake the horror of all the time that's passed and how bad I fucked everything up and how low I have sunk. + +Anyone else deal with this? I'd love to hear any words of wisdom. ",Bipolar +46010,"Lamictal Withdraws So, I am being forced to stop taking Lamictal cold turkey due to some issues with my doctor. I have been on 250 mg for 2-3 years now. Can anyone provide some experiences on what it was like withdrawing from this med? + +Thanks",Bipolar +46011,"Panic Attacks and Music That Soothes Them I wrote a Medium article about the panic attacks that go along with my Bipolar Disorder and how music seems to help me come down from the panic attacks. + +Check it out and tell me what you think: + +https://medium.com/@ants000/panic-attacks-and-music-that-soothes-them-69a7dcf93839",Bipolar +46012,"Really stressed out, worried that it’ll send me into a really bad depressive episode So, my aunt passed away in October and since then everything has turned to complete shit. I had to move in with my cousin because he’s handicapped and can’t take care of himself. He has nurses throughout the day so I’m mainly just there for the night. The nurses are complete jerks who move all of my things, take up the laundry room to wash towels all day, chain smoke, and other not professional behavior. On top of that, I recently made a mistake and now two of my closest friends won’t even speak to me or if they do it’s to cancel plans that we had made. Then, my job is opening up a couple leadership roles to apply for but because im so stressed out about everything else my work has suffered lately. I don’t know. I’m stressing hardcore and can’t afford a depressive episode right now. ",Bipolar +46013,"After years of struggling with my own mind, I finally decided to go see a doctor the other day. As we were talking, he asked a bunch of question about my insecurities and anxiety, my hundred of ups and downs. And by the end of my appointment, he just told me that there was a lot of chances I may be bipolar. For now, he gave me some pills for my insomnia, he said that it could just be caused by the lack of sleep. A part of me wishes it does but deep down, I know it’s more than that. And now I’m just scared, scared cause all I wanted was the doc to tell me everything will be normal, but it wont, it never is and I don’t know what to do with that. I’m just fucking scared",Bipolar +46014,I feel really angry at everything I hate my life and how much of a mess it has become. I hate how forgotten I am. I hate my alcoholic mother. I hate how everyone uses me. I hate how I'm afraid to go out anymore out of fear of being raped as I was beaten/almost raped before. I hate that I'm so anxious I won't even see a doctor even though my health is bad. I hate that the boy who I've talken to and spoken to online for years uses me and wants everyone else but me. I hate how my family treats me like invisable dirt. I hate how my christian grandmother treats me like some worthless little girl. I hate how old I've become. I hate that everyday is the same and I can't break this terrible pattern.,Bipolar +46015,"Now What?? Looking back, I can see this shift started when my best friend was diagnosed with brain cancer. Palliative. I work at his family physicians office. Managing the practice. + +I seemed to hang in there somewhat until about 3 weeks after he passed. I didn't see it coming. I didn't attribute what was happening to what I had experienced with him. And I didn't talk to anyone about what I felt at any point. + +Now, I'm home trying to put the peices of my life together. Trying to keep what I still have in one peice simultaneously. + +It's not really going well. + +My thoughts are too scattered to follow. My feelings are overwhelming and fleeting. + +I'm sick of being sick. But it turns out working to avoid it doesn't help anymore than any other thing I've read about or attempted. + +Meds lol. Which ones?? +I managed to become more successful without them than I have managed to maintain with them. +At what point do life experiences and there impact get added into the equation of medacting someone. That is not a question. Because psychiatry and psychology are two separate parts of a faulty medical system. Until they become one psychiatry is winging it. Treating train wreck trauma and cat scratches with fentanyl all the same. + + + + +",Bipolar +46016,"Newly diagnosed Bipolar looking for support and somewhere to vent All of my social media platforms are shared with family and friends, have nowhere to openly rant about society. So here I am! Almost two months ago I finally got my diagnosis after years of instability. Learning to live a different- routined life has been a challenge. I wake up to a handful of medications and see a therapist now weekly. + +Most of it isn't a big deal. I've known about my mental health for as long as I can I can remember. Now, it's coming out of the ""bipolar closet"". + +My meds give me a rash on my chest that is extremely noticeable, but they keep me stable. I am emotional and cry, but I was so depressed that I hadn't cried in a year. + +I don't really know where I'm going with this. But, what helps you? What calms your manic episodes? What gets you out of been when your depression wins the battle? ",Bipolar +46017,"I feel like this is killing me, but still no one listens..? I am convinced that I have been suffering from bipolar since the age of 19, I am now 21. I don't think I'll make it to 30, I just can't see it happening. I've been cycling between manic episodes which start off fun and then end up making me irritable, paranoid and delusional; and then crippling depression, where I lie in bed all day feeling like I'm burning in the fiery pits of hell; and each year it seems to get more intense. I can't hold down a job or maintain a relationship for more than a couple weeks. I can't afford to feed myself a lot of the time. After waiting for months I got to see a psychiatrist who discharged me after I told her I had been smoking weed, saying I had a substance abuse problem, but not addressing the underlying issue which I believe to be bipolar. Luckily I live in New Zealand where we have sweet welfare benefits which are just enough to put a roof over my head. I basically feel like when I kill myself, it won't be because I had mental health problems, it will be because no one would help me. People willl say at my funeral, oh if you were struggling with depression why didn't you tell someone, even tho in actual fact it's basically all I ever fucking talk about, and no one listens. Does anyone have any advice? I'm so confused and just feel stuck. ",Bipolar +46018,"Doubting my BPII Diagnosis, Apprehensive About Meds, Feeling Like a Fake **TL;DR: I’m afraid that I was never hypomanic in the first place and it was all in my head (“Labelling Theory”), my current medication while effective is dulling my moods/cognition/memory and could be dangerous to keep taking in the long-term if I’m not really bipolar, and I don’t know what to do.** + + +I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not seeking medical advice or re-diagnosis, just venting and looking for general advice or shared experiences from people who know they have bipolar. I don’t feel comfortable opening up to my therapist about this because she doesn’t believe me, and I have a strained/weird relationship with my psych. Apologies in advance for the wall of text. + + +So history. I was initially diagnosed with MDD in late high school (but had recurring episodes since age 13), put on Zoloft, and once I titrated up on a higher dose I started to feel restless and hyper to the point where I wondered if those were side effects. So I googled and found out what hypomania was. Even though a lot of the symptoms were similar, what I was experiencing wasn’t as harmful or destructive. I also did not experience the two suspected episodes for very long, maybe 4-5 days TOPS. + + +In fact, I was very productive and somehow ended up doing paid work for this relatively well-known animator/illustrator on the internet that I would’ve otherwise never dared to message out of the blue. So I wasn’t too concerned. It was psychomotor agitation and racing thoughts that made me uncomfortable, but those aren’t exclusive to hypomania. Other stuff happened but I don’t want to write a laundry list of symptoms/actions. + + +But then I saw things like, “Even if you have the slightest concern, it can turn into full-blown mania!! Especially if you have a bipolar relative!!” and my anxiety kicked in. I stopped seeing my psych (for unrelated reasons) and cut off my meds. Then something traumatic happened which triggered a year+ long depression. So I got a new psych that diagnosed me as BP2. + + +However, in retrospect, I’m wondering if I exaggerated my “hypomanic” symptoms and made myself believe I experienced it after researching it. What if that “euphoria” was really just the happiness from getting out of a depression and accomplishing new things in life? I got second opinions from other professionals who disagree with my psych and suggested ADHD, dysthymia, or even a vague “personality disorder” (big NO for the latter). So I’m confused. + + +It’s been a year since I’ve been on medication (Lamictal and Klonopin) and I’ve been tracking my moods on Daylio. Aside from good days, bad days, and occasional day-long “blips” of intense moods, it’s so… purple. Neutral. But I’m functioning well! I’m so glad that I have not been suicidal for so long, but it feels as though my emotions have been dulled or flattened. Happiness is just mild contentment. Seeing other people cry at a funeral without being able to feel their pain feels so uncomfortable. If I were truly bipolar I would have definitely had at least one hypomanic episode by now but it hasn’t happened. With these meds, I also get “brain fog” every once in a while and I feel that my memory is much poorer. + + +I was actually thinking of switching to another psych (I live far from my current one and my mother hates her) so that I can explain my situation and try something different. But if my current medications are working to an extent is it worth it? If I’m not actually bipolar, staying on this medication for the long-term might do more harm to my body than good. No matter how you look at it, all of this is risky. + + +Does anyone have any personal experience that is similar to this? Thoughts or advice?",Bipolar +46019,I have a (probably) stupid question about psychosis I didn't know if I should post here or on NoStupidQuestions. I may have asked my psychiatrist in the past but I don't remember. I'm diagnosed Bipolar 1 and two years ago I had a pretty severe psychotic episode. I've been on a various cocktail of antipsychotics and other drugs since. I'm not planning on stopping my meds anytime soon if I can help it but I was wondering if the drugs are the only thing keeping me normal. If I for whatever reason couldn't take or get my meds would I revert back to a psychotic state again as soon as the drugs were out of my system or just be more at risk of going psychotic again if something triggered it? ,Bipolar +46020,"I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to exist because of how disgusting I am Really stupid rant/vent incoming + +I truly believe I am the most horrendous creature on this earth. I wouldn't even call myself human because I'm so monstrous I feel I don't resemble one. It should be considered a crime for me to expose my appearance to other people. No one deserves to look at such a disgusting thing. I don't deserve to be alive. + +Those thoughts are always in the back of my head. Sometimes I'll look at myself and feel confused because I don't understand how I could feel like that. I look normal. Even pretty sometimes. And other times I'll look at myself and cry and scream and vomit because of how hideous I am. I don't understand why I have to hate myself so much. + +How can my feelings change so much? How can I be okay with who I am one moment and want to die because of how I look the next? I can't even trust my eyes to know how I look. I don't know if I'm pretty and I don't know if I'm hideous. And I can't ask anyone because I know every answer other than ""you're disgusting"" will make me think they're lying to make me feel better. + +When I see someone look at me, I know they're thinking of me. Thinking how can a human look this grotesque. Despising me. Hating me because my existence forced them to look at me. I don't ever want to go outside because I know I'm being looked at and being watched and being hated. + +I'm so tired. I've been in therapy since I was 6 because of things like this. 13 years of therapy hasn't helped one bit. In fact, I hate myself even more. Because wouldn't constant lessons change my mind a bit if I was actually wrong? So I must be right. I haven't been to a doctor since October but I have made an appointment for next month. I don't know if I can last that long. + +I've covered up all the mirrors and windows in my house and I've covered the cameras on my phone and computer. There are 3 people I can stand looking at me. I have to leave the house next Sunday and the Sunday after that. How can I do that when I'll be subjecting everyone around me to look at a monster? + +I'm so tired of this",Bipolar +46021,"Alcohol and depakote? How bad is it really? I can search all the internets, but I would rather ask y'all? Does anyone have experience? ",Bipolar +46022,"Meds Has anyone tried taking Abilify mixed with Topamax? I’ve taken Abilify before for bipolar 2 but only 5mgs because I’m very sensitive to medicine and I feel like it’s the only one that actually worked for me. I’m currently on Topamax 50mg and I feel like it’s not enough for me. + +I wanna go back on Abilify, but I like Topamax because I’ve lost a couple of pounds on it. I think if I mix the two meds I’ll hopefully stay weight neutral on it. ",Bipolar +46023,"I don't get this thing happening right now. Ok. There's a celebrity that I think is very hot, and I'd love to go out on a date with him. So in my head I wrote an email to approach him, fantasized on him coming to my house to pick me up, what I would say during the date. And this is now stuck in my head. After 3 or 4 days of thinking/feeling/having this fantasy, I've accepted that this is sooo impossible it's not funny. But why am I getting obsessive? i would check the mail every few hours in a day hoping he'd answer. I would cry a little bit knowing that he would reply that I'm not good enough, in his circles, too crazy. + +Logic says I want the impossible. My brain keeps going over this. I'm looking at all his pics on the net. I want to know what he smells like. This is all irrational. And it's not going away. WTF?",Bipolar +46024,"Don't forget that today is World Bipolar Day. So depending on how comfortable you are with sharing, today is a good day to share information, bring about awareness, and do some damage to the stigmas associated with this mood disorder. + +So what are you doing today? I'm bombarding my Facebook feed with different articles and photographs and videos and hopes that a few people will take the time to take a look at it. Oh and I'm doing it on Instagram and Twitter to. + +Feel free to share what you're doing and if you're not doing anything feel free to share why.",Bipolar +46025,"Recently diagnosed I never really thought that I had anything other than depression that came and went but after something happened a few months ago I figured I would talk to a professional. After talking for a while she diagnosed me with bi polar disorder. +I always just thought that the periods between depression were just that, but she pointed out some things that I never really noticed occurring during the times that I didn’t feel depressed. like extremely high energy, not sleeping, really really obsessive behavior. I get super into one thing or another and that’s the only thing I can focus on for like a week and after that I’ve lost all interest in it. Like a while ago, I started researching how to brew better coffee. Next thing I know I’ve spent nearly a grand on coffee makers and different coffee beans and am making like 10 cups a day, it’s all I could think about. About a week later I have no interest in touching any of it and I start feeling depressed again. +Sorry if that sounds weird, that was just an example. + +She asked me to do research on my own to see if I think that fits but I’m not sure. I figured I could talk to other people who are also diagnosed. + +",Bipolar +46026,"Lurker realizing I need some help coping/understanding depressive episode relapse. I guess for some preface I was diagnosed last year but have had it all my life. I'm type 1 but was pretty functional as I typically used what I now realize is my mania in school and etc. and pretty much was excelling despite going through manic and depressive episodes (thinking it was normal/teenage angst etc.) until about my 4th year in college when things went down south fast. Fast forward two years, a couple of hospital visits, and finally getting a full wrap around team, I'm a lot more stable now that I'm on what I feel are the right set of meds for me atm (been on a set of lithium, lorazepram, and buproprion for the past 3 months and it's worked amazingly). It's allowed me to work, write, and just generally focus like I used to without the mood swings and recognize when I'm becoming manic or depressed at high caliber level that I'm used to. I know that the meds aren't a cure all and that relapse happens, but recently have had a string of events (good, bad, and otherwise) have caused my depression to come back in full swing. I recognize it for what it is and why I feel like this, which is a huge step compared to before, but it's just as heavy and still rather difficult to deal with unlike my mania where I know just to tune it down. I don't really know what I'm looking for in this as i have a pretty solid support system, but I guess if anyone else has had relapse experiences post medication I think hearing about others dealt with hearing about it would be helpful. Because I'm really in a spot where Im really not sure how to approach it and could probably use some netflix/movie suggestions as I don't have much energy to do anything else. Thanks for reading and sorry if this is all over the place. ",Bipolar +46027,Using Lamictal to treat BPII & panic disorder. Does anyone have any success stories? I am currently reducing my dose of gabapentin (should be off that in another day or 2) and slowly increasing my dose of Lamictal. My doctor said the Lamictal should start helping my daily anxiety once I get up to 150-200mg range. My anxiety & panic attacks have been so bad/frequent lately. I’m curious if anyone has any success stories they’d like to share?,Bipolar +46028,Cannot stop thinking Does anyone else have trouble with overthinking and if so have you found anything that works for you? ,Bipolar +46029,"I'll be without lithium until monday (and other concerns) I haven't had lithium for roughly 33 hours. I talked to my nurse at my psychiatrists and he said I should probably just feel irritable and ""offkilter"" (idk what this means?) until monday until I get my meds prescribed. Are there any other side effects I should be on the look out for? + +However, doing research I found out about how toxic lithium can be to your kidneys and thyroid and whatnot. Lithium works unbelievably well for me - my moods are completely stable on lithium. How likely are these horrible side effects and I realize I should talk to my psych about this ( i see him tuesday) but does anyone have any advice on this? Should I stick with lithium or try something else? Does anyone have any personal experience with lithium fucking them over medically?",Bipolar +46030,"Single manic episode? Is it possible or have any of you only had one manic episode in your life? But like a really big one that made you do embarrassing things. I'm new to this. I had one a few years ago. Only recently discovered what it was. I knew I had depression, but this was an eye opener.",Bipolar +46031,"Trying to get diagnosed... Also looking for health insurance Hi, + +I recently have started on the journey to get some help. And new to this sub. I've been reading but to scared to put myself out there. + +I don't know if I'm bipolar. I've done a bunch of research and I believe I can trace manic highs and depressed lows as far back as very in early in life... I'm 28 now. The last 4 full ""swings"" as I call them took about 4 and a half to 5 years to run their course. They gotten more pronounced as I started adulthood. This last one landed me a 3 month mania build up with full blown mania for about a month (I wish I could explain this part better... All I can say is that I was not myself and I was pretty delusional about what I could and couldn't accomplish... Sleeping three or four hours every day or two and trying to do everything) and then one of the hardest depressions I've ever experienced for roughly four or five months (suicidal thoughts, complete isolation from everyone and everything including work, weight gain of about 70 pounds, increased self loathing). + +I'm also a complete fuck up in life. So maybe that's a consideration. This last time, the catalyst for my swing was believing I could do a new job, and then eventually hiding from it because I couldn't carry some of the tasks out due to anxiety. + +I guess I wanted to give out some info since I see a lot of you guys share yourselves openly... And maybe vent, too. + +So two days ago was tough. And I've been thinking and thinking about trying to get help, but the farthest I've gotten is two therapy sessions with someone I really didn't hit it off with. + +So after having a shitty wave of self hatred that day, I decided to call around again. I found a practice with a therapist and psychiatrist. I went through the process of setting up an appointment to first see the therapist and then the psychiatrist. + +I don't have health insurance. + +It's a steep bill, but I can pay it. + +As a side note, before I tried the new job, I landed myself a decent paying job that is also self employed so I can take days or even weeks off without too many reprocussions. I've done that going on 6 years. It's very difficult to explain but I developed a skill at this job and I could do it the rest of my life if I wanted. But because it is set up the way it is, it doesn't give me health insurance, retirement, or any benefits you might find at other jobs. + +I figured if I was going to shell out a wad of cash to self pay for trying to get help (and ongoing therapy if it's recommended), I should look at just self paying for insurance. + +I just don't know where to start so I don't get health insurance sales calls. I didn't even know those existed. I was called almost 20 times in 6-8 hours. Fuck maybe more. And I was trying to work. + +I don't want to risk ANOTHER set of health insurance salespeople having my information. I just found my state's marketplace? Seems more legit than the 2nd AD on Google. + +Does anyone have experience or a better starting place? I asked a family member but no one is in this particular situation. And I don't even understand how health insurance works really. + +I'm in my kinda of even place in the episodes. Truth be told, if I hadn't had an exceptionally hard day two days ago and talk to someone about it briefly I probably wouldn't be asking for help. I never really ask for help. But I feel the shit building up against my demons again and I'm so afraid of another swing. + +I just want of this train. I need a change.",Bipolar +46032,"Ok. Hi, I’m new here! Edit*** + +Thanks so much for the love and support everyone! ?? I’m feeling embarrassed now that it has so many upvotes now. Ha! You’re all so appreciated, I cannot tell you how much. + +I’m new-again. I used to be a member several years ago then switched to chatting on Facebook. With the security issues there, I’ve deleted that account so I’m back! + +I’m having a weird time. + +I turn 50 tomorrow. Half of my life is gone, wasted...on being on disability, sick, unproductive, contributing zero to this world. For 50 LONG years! + +I’ve tried volunteering twice in the past year...neither ended up working out. + +I also have PMDD, so I feel I hardly get any well time for any length of time! I have no friends. I’ve either cut toxic folks out, or have been very inappropriate during times of instability, and never get forgiveness even after heartfelt apologies. + +I have two kids. One won’t talk to me anymore, though he has his own problems, my daughter does talk, through infrequently. + +So, I’m totally alone. + +My new AD is just starting to help a little. But 50 is hitting me so hard. + +I want to at least go back to school to learn a trade that doesn’t involve being surrounded by several people. But I cannot think of anything I’d like, and that I can learn somewhat easily. 27 shock treatments later, my memory is shot. So learning will be difficult, no matter. + +Sorry for the negative introduction. I wish I were in a better place. + +Thanks for reading.",Bipolar +46033,"Nostalgy rules my life Hi, could you please advise me, what can I do? I'm very sensitive, cyclothymic person and I have terrible problem with accept changes and tranzisions in life. I'm so attached to so many animals, people and places... I worry about their health all the time. My imagination is so catastrophic. I have also thanatophobia. Because I'm sensitive and allergic to meds, I am looking to some others ways to cope with that. I really think my most meaningful life is in the past. I love to write and my text are almost always about passing and are so depressive. I don't seem depressed, maybe mildly, but my huge triggers are connected with this vulnerability to change. How can make my existence full and coherent, when I have so many reflexions about changes and things I will lose? It seems I've always been like that, but now when I'm older, I worry for future. Does anybody had like that and really change this thinking?",Bipolar +46034,"In high school I was in a manic episode for 2 years In high school I was in a manic episode. In sophomore year during the hypomanic phase I started talking about sex a lot and got in trouble. Two months into my junior year the mania started. I thought I was going to win the lottery and become the president, the next MLK or really famous. I even intentionally failed classes because I thought I was going to become the president anyway. I thought everyone in America was going to change the constitution for me while I gave a speech in front of a big audience like MLK did in the civil rights march. I thought I had a special connection to god and god put me here for a special purpose. + +When I spoke I switched from one topic to another easily. I was very hyper, had lots of energy, was easily distracted and always wanted to chat. One time when I entered school the security guard once said ""this one is always laughing and smiling"". I went with my mom to buy lottery tickets (they don't sell tickets to minors). I thought I was going to win the lottery and use the money to make myself famous. I used to go to an organization with lots of little offices and I had a plan to buy the building and employ people there to promote my agenda. One time a fortune teller solicited me on the street. I went in and I asked her what college I am going to go to. She answered Harvard. I literally thought I was going to Harvard. I didn't tell my parents most of my plans because I thought they would interfere with them. I was very angry and moody at home. + +A few days before I turned 18, there was a ""breaking point"" I realized all the stuff I believed weren't true. I was devastated. I wasn't going to become the president or the next MLK. I failed many class. I couldn't sleep at night. I was extremely stressed out. I managed to catch up on my work, took summer school and thankfully graduated in the summer on time. A year later I decided to google bipolar and I read the symptoms of a manic episode on WebMD. + +As I read more about bipolar, I learned it's impossible for bipolar I to go undiagnosed. So I wondered how this went on for 2 years without me being diagnosed? During sophomore year, CPS was called because I was talking about sex. Then at the end of sophomore year I did the most stupidest thing. I drew 9/11 on a state test. This was a math question about storage bins so I made bin laden jokes. I was laughing but the school wasn't and they took me to a hospital. The hospital just let me go and told me not to do this again. The security pointed out a couple of times I was always laughing and smiling. I saw counselors at school (who are mental health professionals). I wondered if this will happen again, but I don't think it will. Well if there's anything worse than bipolar it's severe OCD. I am taking medication for that now. Severe OCD is **HELL**. + +I most certainly embarrassed myself. In 9th grade I told my classmates I wanted to become a prostitute. I was annoying during my high school years. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I thought there was something wrong with everybody else. I guess I am lucky this happened in high school where you are still supported by your parents and not in adulthood where you quit your job and become homeless. Online I realized was safer than offline. When I posted online I used a pseudonym and never used my identity. So if I said I wanted to become a prostitute or something embarrassing online it would not affect my reputation. But if I say I want to become a prostitute to my friends, they'll remember it and it will affect your reputation. I actually had former classmates come up to me and say ""remember when you said you wanted to become a prostitute"". I mean I am most definitely not the person I was in HS. + +We had a teacher with a reputation for being mean and a girl at my school said she's bipolar because one minute she's happy and the next minute she's angry. I literally thought that was the teacher's diagnosis, but I didn't know what bipolar was or that I had it. Now I know what bipolar is, and realize the girl was using the term colloquially. While I know what bipolar really is, my classmates still probably don't know.",Bipolar +46035,"Hospitalized for the first time This week I was hospitalized for the first time, I had taken benzos and either they mixed with the lamictal poorly or it was a bad source but I was black out for over 12 hours starting and terrified my wife and family. I am embarrassed and ashamed and while black out I talked about many things I'd prefer to have kept hidden, including sexual frustrations and a long struggle with substances including LSD to my mother in law, calling my father and telling him that I was diagnosed even though I hadn't wanted to do so at this point yet. I spent the next 4 days in extreme depression, not eating, showering, talking or sleeping and am finally feeling normal today. I ate, talked with my wife and mother in law today, showered and got my hair cut. I am still extremely embarrassed of the things that happened during that day. I don't know what to do or say or how to fix things I did or said. I feel like I hurt my marriage and my relationship with my mother in law, I'm scared ",Bipolar +46036,"Rant, I Guess. Hello, sorry this is my first time actually posting on Reddit so I'm feeling a little nervous, but it's all good. + +I'm a freshman in college, and last October I finally saw a psychiatrist after years of struggling and got diagnosed with Bipolar 2, GAD, panic disorder and social anxiety. We decided to try lithium and two other anxiety meds. I actually overdosed on the anxiety meds although I was taking the amount I was told and was having a lot of pain for like a few weeks, so I wasn't really able to focus in my classes; I got pretty behind and almost left on med leave. I'm now on Gabapentin and got started on Lamotrigine. + +I guess the lithium was working for a while, but lately I have felt like an absolute mess. I will be in what feels like hypomania in the morning and be running around, talking a mile a minute, everything, and then just get hit with depression and withdraw from everyone. Or vice versa. And this sometimes happens multiple times a day. I'm starting to feel crazy and it is taking everything that I have to just barely function, nevermind actually having time to do homework or other responsibilities. I don't know what to do with myself. + +I just feel so terrible. It just feels like I can't achieve any sort of sane moment because if I'm not being affected by my BD, my anxiety is at a 10. I just want to be calm and stable. + +I am just afraid of this starting to affect my family and my boyfriend. He is the most understanding person I have ever met, but I feel like eventually, he is going to get exhausted with me. I'm not a very happy person and I don't understand why anyone would want to spend time with me. + +I don't know anyone around here with BD and it is making me feel really alone, which is why I guess I decided to make this post. I just feel so crazy, I don't know. I'm sorry. +",Bipolar +46037,"Need Advice About My Mom Hello Reddit, +I'm wondering if anyone in this group may be able to shed any advice from experience about a rough journey my family and I have been going through. + +My mom and I are best friends. We use to talk everyday, until she started a few new medications after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once the medications hit her, she no longer talks to me. No longer answers her phone. She is a lifeless walking panic attack, which was never the case until medication. + +Last May, my mom went through a traumatic experience with her brother almost being killed in Jail. He truly made a miracle of a recovery, but my mom endured a lot of stress from the situation. She went to her psychiatrist who prescribed her Seroquel to help her sleep. It did not help her sleep at all. She went manic in fact. To make a long story short, by the beginning of June she had been involuntarily admitted to the local psych ward on 72 hour hold. During those 72 hours, they took her off seroquel and the anti-depressant Paxil (Paxil she had been prescribed for almost 20 years due to OCD, which had toned down immensely in the past 10 years that she had even had her dosage lowered about 6 years prior to this) and immediately put her on 3mg of Resperidone and 1800mg of Gabapentin. Everything was pretty normal for about 2 months after the new prescriptions, then BAM. She was a completely different person. Zombie-like, unable to take care of herself, a living walking panic attack. It was just awful. Her doctor then only put her on MORE anti-psychotic medications and anti-depressants as well as a benzo. Again, making a long story short.. In September I had spoken to her psychiatrist on the phone during one of her appointments who agreed with me we should taper her off of anti-psychotics. Now fast forward and she has officially been of anti-psychotics for 2 months. She is still prescribed Gabapentin, mirtazapine, and diazepam. She is still in awful shape, but has shown signs on being more cognitive in general. + +I didn't speak with her for over 2 months after Christmas. She didn't want to talk to me, or anyone else at that. I saw her right before Christmas (I live in a different state) and told her I would like to be apart of one of her appointments again over the phone, and she wouldn't let me. She moved in with her boyfriend after this all started, who I feel helps her as much as he hurts her. + +A few weeks ago. our family dog died. She was 14, but the way it happened was super tragic. I talked with my mom the day it happened and she cried! Which was a great sign to me because 3 months before this she told he she couldn't cry if she wanted to She just had no emotion. So I took this as a great sign! I have noticed she no longer has one worded answers, but she can actually respond to the things I'm saying with short responses. So I see very slow improvements. I feel the experience with my dog passing away has opened her up to me a little bit more. I talked with her again about a week after, and just tried to have a normal happy conversation about me coming home for a visit in a couple of weeks and she seemed to act half-way normal again. I want to keep this door open, and open her trust back up to me again so that maybe she will let me try and help her at the doctors office again one day.. How can I keep this door open? How should I approach my mom about trying to help her again at the doctors when I go home in a couple of weeks? I miss my best friend more than anything, and this has been the toughest thing I have ever had to go through. If anyone has any experience dealing with horrible reactions to medications, and overcoming this yourself or with a loved one. Any advice would be appreciated. + +P.S. I probably skipped over a lot of details, so please don't hesitate to ask questions!",Bipolar +46038,"Assistance programs through drug companies? Hi all, + +I was wondering if anyone has applied for free medication through a patient assistant program by a drug company? + +I was doing really well on Vraylar until I found out that I couldn't use their coupon with my insurance anymore (I get it through my dad, he's a federal employee). Since then, nothing has worked. My copay for Vraylar is $300 and I only make $1000 a month. + +Any advice would be appreciated. ",Bipolar +46039,"Help: Explaining to my family Hello! I was recently diagnosed (eh, sort of. The doctor agrees I'm bipolar but she doesn't like labels, and she's trying me on antidepressants first since my hypomania isn't terrible quite yet) and so... since I'm only 20 and on my parents' insurance, I had to tell them about what's going on. My mom just asked me how I'm feeling on my new medication and I explained to her that it's too soon to tell. However, that question sort of evolved into a conversation about what depressive episodes even feel like and I... got stuck trying to explain. + +How would you explain depression and hypomania to someone who hasn't experienced either? I need to be able to explain this to my mom, and also to my younger brother, who is 16. If there's any resources I could link them, I'd very much appreciate that too.",Bipolar +46040,"My boyfriend is suicidal over Tinitus Hey peeps. I was wondering if any of you have had these same side affects. My bf has Bipolar type one and for a long time he was on ... mirtazopine? He was taking it for years. Back then, they said that he was scitzo affect. Last summer, he had a manic break, I had to hospitalize him and he was finally diagnosed with Bipolar type one. They then took him off that and put him on abilify and Klonopin. The abilify was giving him akathasia so they gave him the klonopin. After a while, as all mental health people seem to do, is he went off his medication. This apparently by the doc was ok. Since hes type one, if he leads a healthy lifestyle, he wont get manic again and wouldnt need an anti psychotic. Great. Thats what he wanted anyways. So after a while after being off medications, he get a ringing in his ears. Apparently this is a somewhat common side affect. He figured if he could just tough it out, his brain would fix itself. + + +He stayed off EVERYTHING for 4 months apart from his blood pressure meds, but he finally broke and became upset, suicidal and started drinking. He then took a Klonopin and it made the T's go away. Looking into it, its a Glutamate inhibitor to level out with his Gaba. + +This would then make me think ""maybe hes addicted to Klonopin"", but he goes off it for months and then breaks down to take more again. 2mg makes it go away completely, and .5 makes in bearable. I feel so lost. He now wants to seek medically asisted euthenasia and refuses to go see the psychiatrist because he thinks they caused his T's. + + +Has anyone else here gone through this?",Bipolar +46041,"Question I’ve been very conflicted the last several days. I started Vraylar 5 days ago and have noticed since that I’ve been feeling small charges of minor, anxious energy and even more minor things happening during my sleep. Today I went further and got my usual Hypomania symptoms: warmth/pressure in chest, random thoughts, forgetting thoughts, many ideas but it was still more minor than my last episode and lasted shortly (under an hour). +My last episode btw, also seemed to include rapid cycling and maybe mixed states. I would cycle between HM, normal, or depression in one day or under a day and have symptoms of all 3 during HM. The previous episode which was my first a year ago, wasn’t like this. Sure I had the energy spikes here and there but it wasn’t nearly as intense in symptoms and I didn’t cycle between depression, just crashed into it at the end. (And boooyy that was my worst depressive episode yet). + +Anyhow after this recent episode, I crashed into bad depression with suicidal thoughts then went baseline and have been that way till the last few days. My question is- is the Vraylar causing hypomania or have I progressed into rapid cycling due to my illness being untreated for a year and the meds are helping it, which is why it’s so minor? I know this is a lot but damn, this is confusing and worrisome ",Bipolar +46042,"Got prescribed lamotrigine 50 mg? Not sure what its doing Pretty went to the psychiatrist early December of last year, and they give me 2 different kinds of medication, neither seem to be helping. I mean I don't get super mad (albeit temper was an issue but maybe the police coming kinda made me see sense in getting to upset) but still need to sometimes walk out the room and chill out. I don't really feel any different other than real tired and hungry? They said it would help with my lack of motivation and drive. The other medication helps with serotonin levels but again didn't feel anything. My mood is real shitty only with my girlfriend soon to be wife, I'll berate her with my rants and angry issues for no reason? Any advice? Found out I have severe depression and a real lack of motivation and drive, my mom suffers from bipolar so the doctors assume I have it. Pretty much just wondering if their is other medication or if I need to up my dose or anything of the soft and advice would be amazing, thanks ",Bipolar +46043,"Psych doc put me on Buspirone. Thoughts? Experiences? I've been in the midst of a serious depressive/anxiety ridden phase for weeks now. Rather than increase my Cymbalta and risk a manic episode, the doc put me on Buspirone, 15 mg 2xs a day. +This shit sure works. And by works I mean I'm too damn tired to do *anything*. You can't have panic attacks when you're dizzy and laying in bed 18 hours a day. I called up my therapist and told her I'm discontinuing the Buspirone. The psych doc will be calling me tomorrow. +Has anyone had experience with this medication? How much did it effect you? I feel like I'm back on seroquel and that's *NOT* a good thing.",Bipolar +46044,"Accepting bipolar and getting medicated First time posting here. Actually, I made a post earlier and deleted it because it was long. I am diagnosed BP1 (mixed episodes, rapid cycling), PTSD and ADHD. The meds I took only made things worse so I stopped. I've been fighting symptoms unmedicated due to subconscious fear and denial. + +I had a psychotic episode last week that lasted a few days. At one point I recognized my delusions for what they were but the feelings didn't leave. I even had the presence of mind mind to mention inpatient. But I was too scared. So instead of taking it out on my husband verbally, I internalized. I have so much self loathing that I felt I deserved to be hurt. To die. I didn't deserve my family. But I couldn't abandon them either. I love them and they should have so much better than me. + +In the past month or two I stopped taking care of myself. I feel so stressed. I force myself to eat once every other day. I haven't been showering or grooming in a while. Fighting addiction. Not sleeping. Car keeps breaking and I can't keep up with bills. I hate myself but want to change. Would you go to the new appointments or consider inpatient at this point? I have gotten a new job and I desperately want to excel there. What should I tell them? + +I will get stable. I hope I never experience a psychotic episode again.",Bipolar +46045,"Ever feel like you should probably hospitalize yourself but can't because of school/work/etc related anxiety? University student, dropped from hypomania to severe depression in a matter of seconds last week and have been having bad ideations since (so far no plan or anything, which is usually how this goes for me) + +I have a 12 page research paper due in 2 days, which I haven’t started yet. Spent my entire freshman year hypomanic, finished with a 3.96 gpa. Had a full blown manic episode last semester (when I finally got diagnosed) and gpa dropped a ton. Depression this semester has set me to make my gpa fall a lot more. + +I have such high expectations for myself based based on how well I used to do in school, and I feel like I owe it to my parents to also do well. They aren’t super strict or anything, but my brother was also BP and had a paranoid, violent manic episode which ended in suicide. Sister too, although she’s relatively stable now but without a job. It feels like I have an obligation to be the one who turned out really well and to have grades continue dropping is putting me under way too much stress +",Bipolar +46046,"Scrambling & struggling to cope... Hello! I'm new to Reddit in general and I'm really happy that this is a thing! I have been struggling to cope lately (Bipolar II and anxiety) and not a damn thing makes me feel better. I am in this constant state of emotional discomfort that manifests to the physical. I want to be left completely alone so I don't have to worry about the toll taken on myself and the people I love. I'm so focused on pushing people away I feel like I don't love anyone anymore...at least for right now. I try to avoid any sort of affection and I just feel like such an awful, horrid person. My boyfriend is so supportive and I feel so guilty and angry with him for trying to help me because I'm tired of the help and I just want to give up. I've felt like a ghost for a while now, why not be an actual ghost? My boyfriend just got his concealed carry permit and I just wish he could kill me. I can't live with myself like this for much longer...and I don't want to try to cope with this on my birthday in 4 days. + +Can anyone offer any feedback or perhaps share their own experiences? Thank you all so much for reading.",Bipolar +46047,"Depression thoughts... I feel like my biggest issue when I’m depressed is overthinking. I’m so scared of things dying. It’s like my worst irrational fear that I obsess over. I don’t mind death myself (not suicidal) but I mean like if I died right now, it wouldn’t scare me. I’m mainly just scared my wife will get cancer suddenly and leave me alone or I will walk in my house one day and my cat will be dead. I don’t know why but it freaks me out. Anyone else?",Bipolar +46048,"Ways to help until I can get on meds? Hi! I'm a freshman in college who's had a long history of mental health. I had to drop out of school last year after I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. My doctor said it was ""anxiety"" and basically send me to CBT and told me to get back to school. I've always had ""ups and downs"" where for a couple of days I feel like I'm on top of the world and can run 5 miles easily. I can study without distraction and can get my work done. Other days, I'm too exhausted to get out of bed and I easily snap at people. I can barley do the things I love, like read my book or play my Xbox. My mom has been insistent that I have Bipolar Disorder (she's kept a notebook with all my Up and down behavior and notices a pattern). I can't get a psychologist until May since the University ones refuse to take me until next semester. Is there anything I can do to lessen the symptoms until I get on the meds? + +Thanks so much :) ",Bipolar +46049,Fuck depression. That is all.,Bipolar +46050,"Here we go again: EMDR Take 2 I have PTSD as the result of an extensive history of sexual abuse. My therapist guided me through 9 months of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) in 2016. It was BRUTAL, but my symptoms were nearly nonexistent after we finished it up. I recently have had some symptoms pop back up, and after an assessment it appears that I’m in need of a “tune up” as my therapist calls it. So here we go again... I’m starting it again today. I hope that it’ll be a little less sucky since I’ve put some hard work into it previously and that it’ll be short-lived compared to 9 months of nonstop weekly EMDR sessions. I’m still EXTREMELY anxious as I get closer and closer to my appointment today because I know that things will get worse before they get better. + +Has anyone been through EMDR before? Do you have any coping skills that help you, especially in between sessions when your brain is processing everything? + +PS: For the record, I’m not trying to scare anyone who is facing the possibility of going through this process. Doing EMDR has changed my life for the better. I’ve had PTSD as long as I can remember, and the relief that it’s brought me has been amazing. Just stick it out until it gets better. ",Bipolar +46051,"Newly diagnosed, any tips? Hi all! Recently diagnosed here. Graduated from a “Major Depression with ADD” diagnosis to Bipolar I (Adderall did some very scary things to my mood). Was lucky enough to catch it before I did anything truly regrettable or life ruining. As one of my friends who is also a doctor put it: “You’re lucky. A lot of diagnoses come after you’re brought against your will to a hospital in the middle of your first manic episode.” I’m not new to the mental health system and I haven’t lost my job yet, so I’ve been able to start to get a good professional support system up. Other than that I’m not sure what I can do to try to start feeling... well, stable I guess (whatever that is.) + +Anyways, any tips, suggestions or words of warning for me? Hell it’d even be nice to hear some about what I should avoid or watch out for. Anything really. +",Bipolar +46052,"Questioning Medication? This probably isn't a universal experience, but since I've been on meds things have gotten a lot better. I still have the swings but I can manage to get through them without hospitalization now. But... I really just want to go off my meds. I feel like I might have been making up how bad it is. I want to see if I can survive without them, I hate the idea of being medicated for the rest of my life.",Bipolar +46053,"Depakote side effects suck, but (TMI-girl stuff) I just got my first period without having major PMS in years. Usually, I get so angry a few days before my period. Or I have terrible mood swings back and forth. This time I didn't even know it was coming. ",Bipolar +46054,"Question from a non bipolar person I’m sorry if this offends anyone that’s not the intention! +I’m curious how mania and depression feels for another Bipolar person. My boyfriend is bipolar and I can usually tell when he’s on the ups or downs but I would love to hear the point of view from other people on how they feel if anyone wouldn’t mind sharing! I want to know as much as I can about it so I can help him if he ever needs me and just to overall learn more about it!",Bipolar +46055,"What helps or hurts in a work setting? Hi, + +Everyone’s got different skills, interests, and goals, but I was wondering if you could share aspects of your work environment that make a difference for you, for better or worse. + +My SO has bipolar DO and is looking for work. He found something that seemed good on the face of it - turned out they wanted him to do rotating shifts, ie a month straight on nights. Between that and the long commute, it was a less than ideal setup. I’m wondering what other environmental factors are worth considering when looking at potential jobs. (Could include management style, size of organization - big orgs might have decent HR staff and can afford to handle sick day requests, but maybe the right smaller employers could offer a better culture ? Anything you can think of.) + +He’s looking at sales or customer service as possibilities - I think sales especially would suit his personality in many ways, but wonder how the stressors might affect him (competition with coworkers for commissions , managing disappointment, dealing with complaints, etc... he’s very personable and likes people, so I can see that working for him, it’s just the other stuff i worry might stress him out. Input from anyone in those fields would be amazing.) + +Thank you!",Bipolar +46056,"How did you know? Hi y'all, I've been struggling a lot with my mental health. I'm currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist but I feel like I'm not getting better. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression, I feel like it's not working and I'm just like I was before. (it worked for about 3 weeks I was on a crazy high, then I started feeling shitty again)I have this gut feeling that there's something more going on that depression and anxiety. I was wondering if anyone could tell me how they were able to get proper help and what they were feeling? I feel like a lot of things in my head I'm too scared to tell my therapist, for fear of being judged or called 'crazy'. Thanks in advanced for any help! ",Bipolar +46057,"Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Haven't posted in a while but.... Here goes. + +Quick background: BP1, Lamictal, Welbutrin, Benztropine, Hydroxyzine. + +So, I have a appointment with my pdoc this afternoon.... and I really feel like I need a med change of some sort. Long story sort I went inpatient last year around July for a full blown psychotic manic episode after taking SSRIs for months and not realizing they were in fact driving me bat shit crazy. They kept me in the hospital for 16 days on a CEC, which I think I'd the max without a court order. I went ""home"" slightly less delusional than when I went in, still not well by any means. This subsided as time passed and with med compliance. As I came down I was in a mixed state for a while and eventually wound up crashing into what I was hoping was only a depressed episode, the only thing is that I have not come out of it for almost a year now. Furthermore at this point it doesn't feel like my depressive lows of the past. I feel more detached from life than ever and I am constantly, obsessively plagued by the thought that somehow I will stumble upon some kind of joy that I once understood. I have lost any and all drive that I once had..... Personal Improvement, Professional Advancement, Sexual Intamacy, Intamacy of any kind for that matter, it has all been lost somewhere in the past. It feels like when you misplace your keys and need to get out of the house quickly because you are already running behind for an ""important"" event. Every minute that passes while you look for the keys you know you are falling further and further behind and then you start to regret not making an intentional effort to put them where they could be found after you last used them.... but as they say hindsight is 20/20. Finally you look up and realize that even if you did find you keys at this point that you likely wouldn't make it until after the events concludes anyway, so what's the point in stressing over it now, worry about it tomorrow...... Rinse and Repeat. My life has become a series of repetitive movements, each step trying to make it to the next hoping it will be easier, but it's not. Each night trying to fall asleep and telling myself that I will wake up rested an refreshed to take on the day, but I won't. I don't want sympathy, I don't want attention, I just want to feel better, I truly just want to be well. Whatever the hell that means. + +",Bipolar +46058,"could i actually be bipolar? I've been diagnosed with OCD (at 14) ADHD (19) Social Anxiety (19) and Depression (14ish), though I had struggled with all of these since I was a kid, but got worse at puberty. I was on Luvox from when I was 14 til 18 (I'm 20 now), just for OCD, and it had a moderate effect on that, sort of helped with my mood but barely touched my social anxiety, but I was stable(ish). Anyways, a year ago I went back after stopping the luvox because my symptoms all came back really bad with OCD and my depression, and the doc pointed out the other issues too. And I was given a Zoloft prescription, but I didn't take it for several months until everything became unbearable. I ended up stopping it after a week though, because I think I became a little manic almost when I took it, I had barely any sleep, full of energy, I was talking really fast (which is an achievement when I already talk fast), I felt amazing, though my head felt like it was about to explode, and then I started to worry that I was going to bite my tongue off (that was OCD), and then I became like scarily numb, and I stopped taking it because I was freaking out. +Point is, the past year, my OCD is much better and I have been in therapy for it, but my depression has just gotten worse, I had an episode at uni and then I dropped out, and I got better when I started fixing my social anxiety and met a guy, then after I broke up with a guy, my depression came back worse than ever, and when I was on Luvox, I got depressed, but these days I have a lot more suicidal thoughts and urges to hurt myself, which are becoming more and more frequent, so I'm going to ask for some antidepressants when I get my ADHD prescription refilled (she has said several times she wants to prescribe Lexapro but I refused). +Anyway, I was remembering what happened when I started the zoloft, and I had read that when people with diagnosed bipolar take antidepressants it can trigger an episode. My question is, is it possible that I do have bipolar and I've just mainly been depressed, or can meds trigger that even if you aren't bipolar? I'm just a little worried I don't want to fuck up my life any further than I have, and I just needed to ramble a bit. + +Sorry it's so long and confusing to read",Bipolar +46059,"Abilify Looking for experiences of this med. am on Lamictal too, small dose seroquel but really struggling with ‘crazy’ (thoughts, behaviour). + +If I’m being honest my first concern is weight gain and my second is if I’m going to feel sedated all day. + +Thoughts? ",Bipolar +46060,"Marijuana and bipolar Hello, + +I’ve scrolled for quite awhile and haven’t found a recent or pinned post about this discussion. I have seen mixed reviews/experiences about using cannabis while diagnosed with bipolar. (Specifically bipolar II) + +I’m wondering from people in “green” states (or places marijuana is medicinal/legal) if you are able to stay stable with cannabis medication. Is that even a thing? + +I’ve talked with my psychiatrist about recreational drugs. I’m just wondering from other people if marijuana helps you. (You can’t be taking anything else) + +Thank you +",Bipolar +46061,"Good news, Shitty news, Less Shitty news, and Good/Horrible ideas * **Good News**: I am finally out of my depressive episode that I have been dealing with for about a year! (other a 4 day medication induced hypomania that was quickly resolved by adding a typical antipsychotic) WOOT. + +* **Better News**: I was offered a position that will be part of a 3 year national research project that will be working with the same population I am already working with - people with severe and persistent mental illness. Once I announced that I'd be leaving my current organization I found out that despite me not feeling like I fit in with my team due to our extremely different backgrounds and ages that they really DO value me as a team member and the contributions I have made to our program! I thought that this coupled with more daylight hours was contributing to my decrease in depressive symptoms. + +* **Shitty News**: I am starting to notice yellow and red flags of swinging into hypomania; despite not taking my stimulant medication, and abstaining from caffeine I have had three hours of sleep in the past 3 days and am not tired. Tense body and jaw clenching, speaking at a faster pace than my baseline and being way more chatty than normal and last but not least; impulsive shopping for big ticket items that last one is more of a red flag. + +* **Less Shitty News**: I had the cash to do it without spending bill money or putting it on my credit card and I still have enough in my accounts necessities until next payday + +* **Good Idea**: Talking to my therapist about this tomorrow at my appointment and following up with my psychiatrist about this and trialing a new antipsychotic while starting a new job. Out of the 4 I have been on, only one did not turn me into a zombie. But I did develop temporary tardive dyskinesia after being on it for a few months so it was discontinued and the TD went away. + +* ***Horrible Idea***: Not bringing this up so I can ride the wave at my last week at my current organization, and for the first few weeks at my new job. + +*Quess which idea seems more appealing right now, as I am awake at 4am and I have an all clinic staff meeting at 8 with an hour and a half commute - in good weather.* I know what I ***should*** do but, goddamn, I just want a lil taste of it. + +Edit: I do have some what of a crisis plan set up with my mom so that I don't spend ALL of my money or rack up credit card debt, wherein I get an agreed upon amount of cash for the week out of my checking account and she holds on to all of my cards so I cannot absolutely fuck myself and kiddo finacially. ",Bipolar +46062,"I'm not sure if I should go to the hospital Sorry in advance if this is kind of disjointed, I admit I'm kind of having a hard time stringing a coherent sentence together right now. I'm trying to determine if I should go ahead and go to the hospital or wait until my psychiatrist appointment on the 19th. When I went on the last day of February, they RX'd 25mg of Seroquel. I felt it was kind of low, considering I was reporting hearing noises that weren't there (children laughing, lots of random noises, turning to see things and they aren't there). My psychiatrist said maybe I was misinterpreting geese or other random noises, but geese don't sound like young kids laughing imho. I'm mostly not wanting/able to leave the house becaue I frequently feel like I'm being watched/people are video taping me outside. Since then I've also had two major episodes of dissociation that felt very extreme. I feel very anxious when I go places because I feel like I'm being watched, but she said maybe it's just anxiety. :/ I feel horrible most days, and I can't sleep a lot of the time (one night I got 3 hours). Today I actually feel much better (still awful, but in comparison it feels so much less worse). I don't feel suicidal, but I'm at a loss for not being able to leave the house for months. I can't live forever like this, and if it's 60 days between appointments and they give me medicine that wont' work every time, I dunno what to do. + +I'm just not sure about the hospital, I feel like I'm being dramatic and I'm not sick enough. Like, today I don't feel as bad as I did Saturday, so what if I'm getting better? (even though I'm 90% not)",Bipolar +46063,"Could I have Bipolar? I recently went to a psychologist after an ""intervention"" from my family because I had textbook severe depression for a couple months. The psychologist said I had a lot of red flags for bipolar 1. I was sleeping 14 hours a day and taking NyQuil without my parents knowing to stop suicidal thoughts. I would rather be asleep than deal with thoughts. I was skipping school, practice, and extracurriculars and then failing tests. When I wasn't asleep I was in bed in a dark room just staring at the ceiling. To be all honest though it started before the depression. 6 months ago I was extremely paranoid. I was staying up all hours of the night checking corners and simulating what I would do if someone came into my house to attack me. It got really bad because I was sleep deprived and it devolved from just being paranoid of strangers to my close friends, watching their every move to see if they were out to get me like my thoughts were making me believe. Out of nowhere I started dissociating soon there would be 10 minute chunks of time where my brain would just disappear and I didn't know where it went. After this, I started to get paranoid delusions where I would believe the alien gods that live in a black hole were going to abduct me because I knew about them. I had a panic attack during my lunch period. At this point I had no idea what was going on I thought I was going crazy but because I even had that thought I knew I wasn't. Now this is where things went really downhill. I woke up one day with the best mood I've ever had. When I was at school, everybody thought I was high just because of the way I was acting. I was all spaced out and I talked over everyone. Nothing I said made any sense. No one really thought anything of it though because everybody assumes I smoke weed because of my personality. I was functioning on 120% with less than 2 hours of sleep per night. All of my inhibitions left me at this stage. I started smoking on school property and also selling weed on school property. This is not something I would ever do because I'm a straight A student and I'm top of my class so this has especially a lot of risk. I was also very close to doing cocaine. This lasted for a week and a half. After all of this I came down really hard, and this is when my depression started as I explained above. I told all of this to my psychologist and she recommended me to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible because my manic like periods are dangerous. The thing is is I don't was to go to a psychiatrist because then it is more real and I might be too young to even get a mood disorder diagnosis. Oh yeah I forgot to mention I'm 15. I wanted to post this because I am so lost as to what to do. My mother is very concerned because of my depression symptoms and she is pressuring me to go. I'm conflicted. Should I go to the psychiatrist if so should I go asap or should I wait a couple of years?",Bipolar +46064,"Actually losing my mind + new meds **Trigger Warning:** Talk of suicide. Sorry I can't edit the title. + +Bipolar II here with several anxiety disorders and PPD/PPA for funzies. + +I've been actively suicidal (but not attempting) and somewhat paranoid lately. The only reason I don't kill myself is because of my 10-month-old son and a volunteer project I don't want to leave unfinished. + +I should add that I am traditionally very high functioning -- successful career, marriage, healthy baby -- but life circumstances have taken a flamethrower to my world and burned it down to ashes as of late. On a scale of 1-10, my level of stress is at a 13. + +I came into my psychiatrist's office sobbing Tuesday morning. I didn't tell her everything, but I told her as much as I could without her being legally obligated to commit me. My doctor doubled my Lamictal dose, added Seroquel for sleep (because I was worried about developing a physical dependency on Klonopin), and added Gabapentin as a spot treatment for anxiety. + +Last night I took the Seroquel as directed. I woke up this morning and my first thoughts upon waking were that I wanted to kill myself and that I was half hoping that my baby had died in his sleep (in some way that wasn't my fault) so that I could be free of the responsibility of being a mother. I'm sure if I walked into his room and he was actually dead, I would lose my goddamn fucking mind. It would be the literal end of me. I have really intense OCD about his safety and intense fears around him dying as a younger infant used to keep me from sleeping. So that was a super strange and disturbing mismatch of thoughts. + +With that great start to the day, I quickly downed the double dose of Lamictal, as directed, and tried to get on with things. I walked back in the kitchen to my breakfast and half of it was gone and I had no recollection of eating it. I walked around the house for awhile wondering if I had put the pastry down for a minute and forgotten about it. Nope. I did not find the pastry in another room. + +Almost the exact same thing happened yesterday with a donut. I ate half of a donut on the way to the doctor's office. I thought I had a whole second donut in my bag. When I looked in my bag after the appointment, there was only half of a donut left. I thought maybe a homeless person in the grocery store ate half of it and put it back in the pastry case and I didn't notice when I purchased it (it was a sketchy grocery store; it could happen, though unlikely). I told myself that was insane and that surely I ate half of the second donut and forgot about it. I tried to tell myself I was being nuts and eat the rest of the damn donut, but I ended up spitting it out because I pictured another person's mouth on it. + +Can stress really cause memory problems like this or am I straight up losing it? Why the fuck do I keep having memory problems only around my breakfast? I am not eating very much at all, so maybe it's first thing in the morning blood sugar thing. + +Around noon, with the new drugs in my system, instead of wanting to kill myself, I just don't see the point of anything. I had a job interview today that went fine. But all professional jobs just seem stupid to me all of a sudden -- like we are all working on gibberish and acting like it matters. Who the hell cares if we make a new brochure and more people buy a product? I feel like a 15-year-old who just watched Fight Club for the first time and realized capitalism is meaningless. + +I had some other projects I was working on, and I just don't understand the point now. Why would I spend time refinishing a dresser? Seriously, why? I can't think of anything more stupid. + +I also had the thought this morning that I feel like I'm on life support but instead of a breathing machine, it's a bunch of pills. + +Right now I'm thinking about leaving everything right where it is, telling my husband he needs to pickup the kid from daycare tonight, and just bailing and going to another country until my money runs out. That would fuck up my life and relationships irreversibly. So I might as well kill myself if I'm going that route. Or not. No idea. + +I guess I wanted to write because + +1) I would never, ever admit this stuff in real life because it makes me sound like a horrible person who hates my baby and I would never tell another living soul how bad off I really am. + +2) can Seroquel make me even more insane? Because that's how I feel. I'm thinking maybe I should just up the Lamictal and see what that does before proceeding with the onslaught of new drugs. + +**Edited to add:** I am following doctor's orders on the meds. My doctor suggested adding new ones and upping the existing one. I just worry that they are going to make things worse while we sort out the cocktail and I may not have the capacity for things to get worse right now.",Bipolar +46065,"Relapse/Breakthrough Symptoms: What to do? I've been really stable for maybe two years. My treatment plan was on-point. I made a lot of improvements and changes. Then, last month I decided to sign up for a volunteer effort that lasted the whole month. It took a lot of time and energy, as well as being a deviation from my normal routine. + +So after it was over, I took a week to recoup. Five days in - on a Sunday - I fell apart in the middle of the day with a full blown panic attack and couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day. Ever since that day I've been tired, irritable, and sad. Little things set me off (like a delay in traffic) and I get so upset over it that I just start sobbing. + +I really, really don't want this to be an episode of depression. I don't want to jump the gun and call my doctor and she changes my meds, but I can't afford to isolate myself for weeks hoping to recover. If you've had a similar experience, what have you done to cope? Do you have a plan of action that helps you discern what to do? I'll appreciate any input. I just feel so screwed up right now.",Bipolar +46066,"Reflecting on bipolar and relationships Hi everyone. + +I recently started dating someone who was diagnosed BP I and is medicated. I'm new to this sub, so instead of asking something that has already been asked, I searched through some of the older posts about BP and romantic relationships. Some of them are uplifting, and others are absolutely heartbreaking. What I read has given me a somewhat clearer perspective, but it could always be better. + +I have been around bipolar most of my existence--one of my very best friends has been in my life for 25 years and is BP II. I recognize the difference between the two, that BP affects different people differently, and that all relationships have some common facets regardless of their nature. + +But I am curious. Is there anything you wish you would have known going into a friendship or romantic relationship? Anything you wish your friend or partner would have known? I'm lookong for perspectives from either side of the coin. I want to understand more thoroughly so I can be a better partner and friend. + +Thanks for reading. :)",Bipolar +46067,"Post Manic Decisions - How to Love Yourself After Mania Man, this month has been really rough will self realizations. I don't know if any of you can relate. After being super manic for a few months and then having some mixed episodes it left me in the worst depression I've ever experienced this month. I've been spending a lot of time in bed and not leaving the house, sleeping a lot, suicidal (but not acting on it) basically depressed AF. + +Anyway, my mind recently started having flash backs to stupid decisions and things I've don't while I've been manic. This isn't just the most recent manic episode - it's flashbacks from my entire life. I did some not so great things, made some not so great choices and went through some traumatic shit. I keep trying to meditate or do breathing exercises to let the thoughts pass. Anyway it's not going well- it's pretty much been mental torture. Physically, it makes me cry out of nowhere, have panic attacks, crazy sleep patterns, throw up and some other fun stuff. + +Recently I've been feeling like a prisoner of my own mind just sitting here with my thoughts rotting my mind. It feels like my mind is trying to torture me and my body is trying everything it can do to survive. I'm stuck in mental illness purgatory. + +I've been trying to hang in there. Any healthy suggestions to try to make peace with the fucked things I've done while manic? I'm always too hard on myself but some days my brain feels like it's taking over my body and I'm not driving this human vehicle anymore. The thoughts and visualizations of the past have just been haunting me. + +",Bipolar +46068,"Bipolar Jokes/ Memes Bipolar sub, + +How do you feel when you see a meme or a joke with bipolar disorder being the butt of the joke? +I saw one today and it made me sick to my stomach. Some people think it’s better to laugh about bad situations... but I don’t think I’m that type of person. +I saw one today that said Missing Person: Mother Nature and she’s bipolar and off her meds. What made it worse was all of the hateful comments under it about people with mental illness and bipolar. + +How do you feel about it? + +(Open discussion) +",Bipolar +46069,"Birth Control and Mania? Hello! I'm curious to find out if anyone here has experienced heightened manic/hypomanic reactions to birth control pills? My former psychiatrist (*former* for MANY reasons) took me off BC because she was afraid that it was triggering my manic episode at the time (despite me desperately needing BC due to hormone deficiency). I've just recently started to take BC again after talking with my OBGYN who said he's never heard of that happening before, but I'm rightfully concerned now. So who's right?",Bipolar +46070,"When you finally convince yourself to take medication... ...and you don’t drink often so you decide to get all your drinking out beforehand. Then you remember how nice it feels to be tipsy and you start to think maybe you don’t need your medication after all. + +An endless cycle. ",Bipolar +46071,"Near death experience that wasn’t real So I’m bipolar (if that wasn’t obvious from the get-go) and I was coming home from a trip with my Mom on a plane. I had a really amazing weekend and I was feeling happy but not manic but then I started getting very sad for no reason on the way home (just assumed it was another mood swing). Then, I had an extremely bad delusion where I was convinced that the plane was going to crash and we were all going to die. I was laying my head on my Mom’s shoulder, I told her I loved her, and I just silently cried while thinking about how this is the calm before the storm. In my head I was telling myself, I can’t believe we’re all about to die and I’M the only one who knows. I actually accepted death, and embraced it (not in a suicidal way) in a way that I had never ever done before and it was like I finally felt at peace. I had emotions that I had never come close to. When we experienced turbulence I closed my eyes and thought “this is it, this is when it happens” and waited for the screaming and the overhead announcements. I thought of the baby crying and how it never got to experience it’s life and how my mom would never finish her book, how my sister would react when she found out her closest family had died. After we landed safely I felt a weird mix of disappointment and relief. I didn’t want to die- but I had expected it to happen so much it felt wrong that it didn’t. After that I got that post-delusion state where everything kind of feels like a dream for awhile. But now I feel like I had a near-death experience that wasn’t real and I’m not sure how to move on from it. I feel like I should’ve gone down with that plane and now life just seems a little off. ",Bipolar +46072,"My therapist thinks I may be bipolar. So, I just saw a new therapist and I was describing the symptoms I experience. Back when I wasn't on medications, I used to have huge highs and devastating lows. During my highs, I was more confident than usual, my mood was highly elevated, I was more energetic and I would be excessively talkative. Every time that happened, though, I would experience a crash. I would become desperately depressed, with suicidal ideation, worthlessness, etc. With each crash worse than the last. This cycle probably occurred 20 times in a span of about a year. After telling him this, he said that it sounds a lot like bipolar. He's a therapist, not a doctor, so obviously, no diagnosis. My doctor put me on Latuda along with my Zoloft and Wellbutrin. One thing I noticed about my high periods, is that sometimes, I would get a little giddy in the day prior to the high. I also noticed that I still needed a full night's sleep. I just sleep more when in a depression. I've wanted to stop my Zoloft, because my depression persists when I'm on it and I really miss the highs I used to have. ",Bipolar +46073,"Looking for someone to discuss my experience Hi all! + +The past few months I've suspected more and more that I may have a mood disorder, specifically bipolar or cyclothymia. I've noticed mood patterns in myself and also my mother (strengthening my suspicion). I was just wondering if I could have a private conversation with anyone here and see if they have any insight. Obviously this is no replacement for a professional diagnosis or therapy. I'm just very curious about my situation and I don't see myself reaching out to a professional on my own will, so I thought an external opinion may spark me to do so. Thank you immensely in advance if you take the time to help me out.",Bipolar +46074,"Just got diagnosed As the title says I just got diagnosed bipolar, not sure what type I am yet but it's probably type 2. +I guess I'm searching for people similar to me for some guidance, and answer to some of my questions. Even if it's just to talk and share our experiences, it would help greatly! +",Bipolar +46075,When is it ok to tell someone about a psych ward visit if at all? Whenever I meet someone new I always wonder when it’s appropriate if at all to tell them what I’m going through. Only because it is such a big life event and applies to my current position. Example I’ve been out of work now for 3 months (this was after a psych ward visit for 2 weeks) and just help my family out and take time for myself ( time to get back to work but still nervous to). So I’m talking to this guy whenever he asks me what I’m up to or do I have any plans for the day or the next day ( you get what I mean) I only have so many things to say you know. Finally I just responded yesterday with “ yep not really much planned” and ugh I kinda just want to tell him (about the psych visit)so he can see where I’m coming from and not like I just never have anything to do. Thoughts? Anyone else with similar experience? When is it appropriate if at all to explain this to someone. I’m passed the idea that they will think I’m crazy or different or judge me I guess but still worried about it. ,Bipolar +46076,"tapering off of lamictal - PLEASE HELP I have been taking lamictal for a month now... started at 25 then got up to 75. was low on pills toward the end and also decided to taper off because of side effects (irritability, fatigue). I have been taking 50mg the past two days as was almost out of pills... experiencing slight withdrawal. constipation (tmi sorry), fatigue, slight nausea.... my doctor just refilled my prescription and said to take two pills for a week (50mg) then 1 pill for a week.... I told her that with all due respect, i'm pretty sure that's not safe as I am much too sensitive for that as I am ALREADY experiencing discomfort at 25mg lower. I think once I get a refill I will up the dosage a bit as I really am not feeling great. what would you recommend for someone that's been taking it for a month? this is the WORST. i'd rather deal with my moodswings than take anymore drugs. please help me :'(",Bipolar +46077,"Paxil withdrawal induced hypomania/rapid cycle I f**ed up my life in just 2 weeks. + +My brief history: + +* fall 2014 was prescribed Paxil 20mg/day for mild depression, anxiety and hypochondria. +* Tapered from 20mg to 10mg in 6 month. +* I was on 10mg since June 2015 till August 2017. So: 2 years, 10mg daily. I always took medicine before go sleep. +* I tapered from 10mg/day to 2.5mg/day in 5-7 months (August 2017 ~ March 2018) +* I stopped to take medication 2 weeks ago (20 of March). + +Until this point I was TOTALLY FINE. + +Now detailed description of last 2 weeks: + +* First 5 days were totally fine +* On day 6 (30 MArch) first withdrawals symptoms kicked in: shivering, cold, severe insomnia +* On day 12 (1 April) withdrawals was unbearable, experience first manic/depressive episode. Decided to reinstate on 5mg(and later 10mg)/day. I took my first half pill midday. +* Day 13 (2 April): 5mg morning, 5mg evening +* Day 14 (3 April): 5mg morning, 0mg evening +* Day 15 (4 April): 5mg morning, 5mg evening +* Day 16 (today, 5 April): 5 mg morning + +The symptoms I have now are rather painful and hardly bearable. Most prominent are: RAPID cycling from depressive episodes(+moredate agitation and anxiety) to hypomanic episodes and severe insomnia. Cycles changing every few hours and quite intensive! I never had this before, never!! Now I'm totally off, confused, suicidal, haven't slept cople nights. I'm in hypomanic episode right now so I can write this post. I took sick leave at my work, but if this will continue I will lose my job completely. I beg you for advice on how I can stabilize now, based on what I've already done. I'm not even looking to weaning off meds now, as there are a lot of life circumstances now that I responsible for. I just want to stabilize and reduce pain. +What I can do at this point? It's do hard to believe I broke my brain beyond repair so rapidly, just in 2 weeks. I was normal, happy and fully of life. Now I'm anxious, agitated and depress vegetable, lying on the coach wanting to die/suicide. +Any advice highly appreciated. + +P.S. yes, I visited my GP, he put me on a waiting list to mental illness clinic (waiting time ~4 weeks) and advised to continue Paroxetine 10mg/day for 2 weeks and then increase to 20mg/day if needed. But I'm scared to follow this advice",Bipolar +46078,"Hi I'm bp1 and this is my 1st public post. Appreciates help and support Hi friends and lovers and haters, +I find myself here after 4 years of being diagnosed bipolar one and still needing support from literally anyone that will listen. I really appreciate that considerate feed back that I have read on this forum or sub (whatever it is I'm new). I cognitively understand what I need to do to get better and resume life after constant states of bipolar depression mixed with mdd and severe anxiety, but I have trouble starting and maintaining habits. Does anyone have any tactics for flattening out the constant flux? Also, I am wondering how I can most effectively help the community. Love and ?",Bipolar +46079,"Dealing With Friend with Bipolar? Hey guys. + +A friend I’ve known for about 3 years sent me some concerning texts and I want to know from others’ experience how to tread lightly here. + +I’ve known that whole time they suffered from bipolar and was not medicated. In person and in every interaction, we clicked. I never thought about their disorder unless they were isolating themselves. In which case, I’d reach out to them with some positive message or offer that we go do something together or share how I had felt a similar way and maybe we can grow together. These times were awesome. + +But recently they sent some texts that were out of character. I asked if they were doing ok (which is often what I do when I notice something wrong) and they took offense. I asked if they had been drinking or smoking and that made it worse. This was all through text. I stopped responding only to say “I understand how you’re feeling” and that’s it. I guess they calmed down but now I’m really nervous. + +I had never seen that type of behavior in my friend before. I don’t know if I should just stop talking to them for a while or what?... + +Any thoughts would be great. ",Bipolar +46080,"Creativity is more fleeting than it used to be? I am/was a very creative person I went to an Arts high school and ya da ya da. I created art in cycles, I could be very prolific in painting, poetry, music... etc. It didn’t always have to be a manic episode. +Now, that I received this official diagnosis in early university and have been put through the ringer of meds it’s just not what it used to be. The lithium and the anti-psychotics really mellow me out and I notice that when the prescription for an anti-psychotic increases my creativity decreases. +That said, I’m no longer on anti-psychs but my creativity hasn’t returned... am I just getting older? or are the medications that make my mood more stable taking this part of my personality away from me? +TLDR; now that i’m on meds i’m less creative, is it me or is it the meds? ",Bipolar +46081,"How do you choose an ER/hospital to go to? I’m not doing great and think I may want to admit myself sometime soon. It’d make the decision easier if I knew beforehand where I was going. I live in a major American city, so there’s a few options. From people who’ve admitted themselves, what did you learn that you’d like to share?",Bipolar +46082,"Akathisia on Saphris vs Vraylar Hi, during a manic episode I was prescribed Saphris and had the worst case of restless leg I have ever experienced. It was excruciating. I've been prescribed Vraylar now to start tonight and I'm freaking out that I will have the same issue with it. How common is akathisia on vraylar? Have others dealt with it? What has helped to calm it?",Bipolar +46083,I need some advice My boyfriend has bipolar 2. Lately I've been noticing that his episodes of depression have been getting progressively worse. He's been missing work and sleeping most of the day away lately. I tried to encourage him to go to work this morning. I even told him to take it one step at a time and I would be there encouraging him throughout. He immediately said no. I tried telling him the same thing but with a different approach and he still said no. He started to get aggravated with me so I backed off. I've noticed that he's been getting slightly aggravated with me lately when I try to be encouraging so I'll back off and let him do his own thing once I detect it. The only reason why I try to encourage him so much is because I'm so used to doing it whenever I'm dealing with my own depression. I love him so much but I don't know how to fully get through to him without seeming to aggravated him. Can someone please give me some advice on what to do. Thank you in advance,Bipolar +46084,"Bipolar people with bipolar family members, do you guys seem to “sync up” phases with said family members? It seems like my brother, Dad, and I do + +I’m trying to test it by popping in at my parents’ house when I just started a manic period of just left one to compare / contrast to my dad + +My brother lives near me (same university), so our sync could be weather or “the time of the semester” or whatnot ",Bipolar +46085,"Small bursts of elevated mood while in a depressed phase? Hi there, I am new here. + +Two days ago I was told by my therapist that I could be diagnosed with a bipolar disorder and recommended meds. + +I never realised that I might have something like this. If anyone would be so kind and answer my very clueless questions, that would be amazing. + +My cycles of hypomania and depression are long (?) so I tend to have a few months of depression and then one or maybe two months of hypomania. When I am in my depressed state I sometimes feel for a very short time that I will switch phases into hypomania again because I feel energised, happy and productive. It only lasts for a few hours maximum and then goes back to the depression, though. More often than not it happens in the middle of the night. Is this possible that there are smaller cycles in big cycles (I hope this is understandable as I am not an English native speaker, sorry.) or could this be a sign that I actually am not bipolar? + +And how long are cycles in general ""allowed"" to be when it stems from bipolar disorder? + +If anyone takes the time and reads this: thank you so much!!!",Bipolar +46086,"Bipolar Parents, are your kids Bipolar as well? What’s that like? I’ve always said I never wanted to have bio kids because I’m afraid of passing along my less-than-ideal illnesses to them (fibromyalgia, ADHD, & Bipolar I; it’s a tough combo to deal with). Also, I had an emotionally abusive and neglectful childhood growing up so all of my coping skills and all of the help I got, I had to do myself. + +However, my Sister In Law is pregnant, and I’m so emotional and excited for her that I’m starting to reconsider. + +What is it like to parent while bipolar? How do you cope while cycling? What measures do you take to make sure you’re raising your kids in a healthy environment (i.e. not villanizing them, not losing your temper with them when you don’t deserve it, etc.)? + +Also, do any Bipolar Parents have Bipolar Children? Is it easier to deal with since you’ve had it before? Was it easy to spot them developing it? + +I know I have a lot of questions, I’m just so curious and don’t want to end up like my mother. I know I want kids, I just don’t want to knowingly pass along diseases I have struggled with that have nearly ruined my life on more than one occasion. I want to be better, I want them to have better. I want my kids to have an actual childhood, instead of it being anxious and filled with fear like mine was. ",Bipolar +46087,"My friend is bipolar and suicidal, asking for advice Hey + +So a few months ago a good friend of mine, after a night of drinking told me had been planning to kill himself on April 8th but wasn't going to anymore. It is clear he was thinking about this when he was in a low state and he was definitely more manic at that point when we were talking. He has been starting to understand his own ebbs and flows. He texted me the other day after cancelling on me telling me that he was emotionally drained after this past weekend and needed some space. I've made sure he knows I care about him and I am here for him and have tried to be respectful of his space, but also, April 8th is this weekend and I know he is in a depressive state. My only slip up was I messaged him about a possible trip together, but realized that might have been more overwhelming. I want to make sure I see him this weekend. + +It's going to be a rough weekend for me, my great aunt passed away, so her wake and funeral is this Saturday morning. I was thinking of messaging him: + + ""Hey, I'm sorry to be messaging you so much. + +I'm going to be home this weekend and it's kind of looks to be a rough one. It would be really good to see you. I'll be around Saturday night or Sunday if you could swing it."" + +Do you think this will also be overwhelming? Should I just mention I'll be around and not my personal stuff that he might feel like he has to take on? +I don't want to just show up at his house but I'm not above it. Would love your thoughts on how you would either best approach this or how you'd feel most comfortable in his shoes. + +Thanks <3",Bipolar +46088,"I'm depressed Friend of mine, who I valued a lot, just cut all ties with me. Told me that I’m too needy and emotional. They’re not wrong. I’m bipolar and I had a really fucked up childhood which caused a lot of abandonment issues, something I’m in therapy for now. It does make me very emotional at times, and I do tend to be super clingy during depressive episodes. Lately I’ve been rapid cycling, which causes me to have more of them. They knew all this, and I was hoping they would understand. But, they told me that they don’t want anything to do with me, and never want to see me or talk to me again. Feels weird. Just this Monday, my therapist told me that my fear of abandonment is just that, a fear, and I need to overcome it. Told me that I need to open new pathways in my brain and know that people won’t leave me. This doesn’t help with that at all. + + +I started a new job this week, and it’s mind numbingly boring and insanely hard. I’m only on week one and I already hate it. I’m dreading going to work today. But I need this job. It pays well, and I have a decent amount of debt that I need to pay back. + + +Because of my childhood, I don’t feel like I can ever trust my parents. I’m not close to any of my family. After having so many friends walk out on me over the years, I feel like I can’t trust the friends who did stick with me. I feel like things just need to get a bit harder and they’ll leave too. + + +I have/had dreams about doing something in the entertainment field. But lately I don’t feel any drive or motivation to chase after that. I don’t see the point in it. I wanted fame and money because I thought I could give the people I love awesome things with it. But I don’t really love anyone anymore. I’m always paranoid and worried that everyone will leave me. + + +I just feel so alone all the time. I feel like no one really understands me. I feel like I can’t connect. Even with my therapist, I can’t really tell her how I feel. Because sometimes my thoughts are really fucked up and when I tell people, they freak out on me. Medication doesn’t help. I just hate waking up in the morning now. The only times I ever feel ok is when I drink or take something. I just really hate life right now. I wish there was a permanent way to just numb everything.",Bipolar +46089,"Bipolar and Supplements Hey y'all. I'm 28F on Wellbutrin, Lamictal, and Lithium. I low key suck at drinking water, but am getting better at it. My doctor recommended that I start taking B6 ( I chose a BComplex with high B6), and I added Spearmint and Evening Primrose for the severe cystic acne that comes with Lithium. + +I also started taking Milk Thistle, as recommended by someone who also has Bipolar, as it is supposedly good for your liver function. + +I was just curious if anyone else takes supplements or what your personal experience with any has been. I know since supplements are sort of wishy washy anyway, so defnitely not a recommendation, but am interested to see what other folks might know for further research. + +Thanks! +",Bipolar +46090,I’m desperate to sleep I’m so tired. It’s been more than two weeks of this madness. I actually want to sleep for a change. I’m a grown ass man crying in bed because I want nothing more from my life than to just sleep. Does anyone have any strategies or suggestions? What do you guys do in this place. I’m so miserable. It feels so bad. My whole body hurts. ,Bipolar +46091,"I have bipolar and will begin a post-doctoral fellowship researching my own disease in may! Hi! This is my first post in this sub. I’m super excited to share that I’m going to start studying the genetics of bipolar disorder in a couple of months for my post doc. I just graduated with a PhD in biology studying DNA repair. I’m going to be studying the exact mechanism of how lithium works to make people feel better and also why/whether there is a genetic component to why some people with bipolar attempt suicide and why others don’t. This is all extremely personal for me since I have had bipolar I for 12 years and my wife also has bipolar disorder. Anyway, I hope some of you find this interesting/uplifting/cool. Cheers!",Bipolar +46092,"Is it possible to go manic while still on meds? I believe I was beginning to get hypomanic and the sleep problems and agitation had started again. I just got back on abilify low dose 5mg after two or three months off... +I was wondering if the meds will completely end the manic episode, or if it will just be less severe. I definetely don’t want to end up manic as I do stupid things, but at the same time I honestly miss having that energy and enthusiasm about life. ",Bipolar +46093,"(Brief Mention of Self Harm) How can I help my friend? I apologize if I am posting this in the wrong place, please let me know and I’ll move it! + +I’ve had a friend (M) for quite a few years that suffers from bipolar disorder. M didn’t tell me about it until a good couple years into the friendship; they were in the midst of an episode, and I (not knowing what was really going on) regrettably lashed out because I didn’t understand why they had been constantly upset and irritable with me. After that, we had a much better understanding and M did a great job of redirecting their anger so I wasn’t getting the brunt of it. However, they’ve been under quite a bit of stress lately, and although they are not usually directly lashing out at me, they’ve taken an emotional turn for the worse. M seems to be in a constant state of negativity, always turning every small difference of opinion into an argument, and going on angry rants about it. It feels like every time I talk about anything, they always have a negative rebuttal. They’ve become very reclusive, so we hardly ever go out anymore, if I suggest events or concerts or outings, they don’t want to go, and can only think about why it’d be a bad time. If something goes wrong, their night/mood is ruined (for example, if they didn’t want pickles on their sandwich and got pickles, rather than take them off, M just throws it away, doesn’t eat, and remains livid about the fact they didn’t get to eat, and eventually leaves for home early because they’re so upset). Our friend group usually gathers at my place, so at this point it’s like I’m trying to tip toe around broken glass in my own home, lest I say something to upset them. Lastly, the most worrisome thing to me is that they will sometimes joke about how they got so angry they punched their arm/leg/bedroom wall/etc., and the damage is visible. + +They are currently on medication (from what I’ve witnessed mostly just helps more with the mania) and see a psychiatrist pretty regularly, but they don’t see a therapist (though they’ve admitted they could probably benefit from one). I want to be a better friend to them, but I myself struggle with depression and it makes that difficult at times. + +I guess I’m asking for advice because I don’t know how to approach a conversation about this behavior. My worst fear is that M will misunderstand my intentions. They are my best friend, and I’d do anything for them, but the friendship is starting to take a mental toll on me as well. ",Bipolar +46094,"So afraid I'm currently on my way to army Behavioral Health, I'm terrified I am going to be locked up again. I hate being hospitalized and locked up around other people who could be crazier than me. My career is over and that's ok, I guess?",Bipolar +46095,"I feel manic but not in a good way.. I don’t feel like doing anything creative. +I don’t feel like listening to music. +I don’t feel like exercising (though I went for a run to try) +I don’t feel like being around people. +I don’t feel like drinking. + +I just feel like a bag of nervous shaking and it is *awful* + +On the upside, I don’t feel particularly sad or depressed! + +How do you guys deal with this? ",Bipolar +46096,"Can I just enjoy my hypomania? Haven’t slept in over 30 hours, but I feel amazing. I had a really great day at work, I’ve been spending time with a pretty awesome guy, and I just had a very liberating conversation with my ex (at least at the moment...who knows if I’ll regret what I said). + +For the last few months I’ve been in a pretty dark depression. I didn’t get out of bed, shower, or take care of myself at all. My life kinda went to shit, and I felt like giving up. But today, right now, I feel on top of the world. I haven’t taken my meds and I know that’s not a good thing, but god I haven’t felt this alive in so long. The last thing I want is to be numbed. Can I just enjoy this for just a bit? Is it so bad to let myself go just a bit?",Bipolar +46097,"Switching from Zyprexa to Geodan weight gain I've been on zyprexa 2.5mg and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. I've been eating very healthy and exercising, yet I gained an incredible amount in a short period. My pdoc is switching me to Geodan. Anyone have any luck losing weight when switching to another AP? + +Any suggestions on how to lose the weight from Zyprexa? ",Bipolar +46098,"Those of you who experience auditory hallucinations, what coping mechanisms do you use? I have Bipolar with psychotic features. This displays as auditory hallucinations and delusional thoughts. Sometimes playing white noise will help with the hallucinations since they're mostly quiet whispers or something like hearing a radio in another room. They've been louder than usual here lately, and the white noise isn't helping as much. Do you all have any suggestions for a situation like that? Thanks.",Bipolar +46099,"Do you ever experience this ? Sometimes i just want to rip my skin off. I feel like i'm trapped in body and i'm having an anger breakdown and i want to escape my body, it's horrible. I feel like i have so many problems that i just want to tear everything down. Do you ever experience that kind of feeling, like you're overwhelmed with anger and you just want to rip your skin off, and when it happens to me, i usually end up on the floor crying.",Bipolar +46100,"Daughter has new BP dx. Now in manic phase. Does she recognize this? So, my 14 year old was finally diagnosed with BP1 in Dec after 5 weeks of hospitalization and very risky bx She was in a mixed state. We found a good med regimen. She has very suddenly and very definitely entered a manic phase on the past 48 hours. She is happy and productive and we are able to keep her safe. We haven't told her she is in a manic phase. I am wondering if we should tell her or if she is able to recognize it? What helped when you were newly diagnosed? Thank you!!",Bipolar +46101,"lithium and tummy trouble? hey dudes, + +I've been on lithium for about two months now. I'm on 900 mg/day taken once per day in the evening. For about a month now I've had nearly daily bouts of diarrhea. It's always in the morning, which makes sense given the evening dose. + +Does anyone else have this? Does it go away? Suggestions on what to do? I super hate this. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46102,"Insomnia from missing my seroquel dose I missed my dose earlier this week and my mood definitely went to the upside. Not full blown hypomania, but I'm happier than what i was going through before. +I can't sleep more than a couple hours at a time now, even right after the seroquel. I'm wondering if my sleep will ever get back on track. + +Hopefully this is not a mood swing thats going to end me up in depression. I also have some emergency zyprexa on hand in case i need to take it there. Anyone else go through this?",Bipolar +46103,"What personality traits do you associate with being Bipolar or Bipolar 2? At the age of 47 I’ve just been given a diagnosis of Bipolar 2. I’m looking back through my life and wondering what aspects of myself are related and which aren’t. I’ve listed the ones I can think of below - very interested to see who can relate, or what people’s differences might be. +- indecisive about what career direction to take +- Been a teacher, website manager, aged carer, Rehab counsellor and counting. +- Artistic/creative/crafty +- Love the planning/ideas phase of projects but find the execution becomes boring and I don’t finish off +- Get inspired and enthusiastic about one topic or activity for a while, thinking about it a lot, engage in it almost in an obsessive manner (but often without finishing projects), talk about it to other people ... and then suddenly lose interest. +- Intimate relationships are topsy-turvy - I’ve been with my SO for 20 years now, but many times in our relationship I’ve had one foot in and one foot out - feel sure and committed, then feel like I’m with the wrong person ... marriage is needless to say very precarious atm because I have hurt my SO so much :( +",Bipolar +46104,"Getting manic after what I thought was the most stable period of my life post diagnosis I had a terrible, terrible mixed state episode in the Fall and early winter but Zyprexa really stabled me out. I hadn't been that stable in years. I am able to read again and I'm just so happy to be content, if not a little bored and dulled out which was worth it for me. + + + + +I used to like mania but now I don't. It only promises a dark period of time in the fallout. + + + +I'm so angry but most of all I don't know whether or not to reach out to my parents who I still live with. They're so proud of me and every time I have a new episode they are so shocked as if it's never happened before. ""But you were doing so well"" they say, and it makes me want to cry and scream. I feel so guilty. + + + + +I'm trying to finish school and I'm terrified that my stability won't last long and I'll be stuck forever in this crazy up and down up and down. + + + +I'm just so angry and I'm trying to stay off screens and focus on journaling and writing poetry and socializing, but it's still creeping up on me. + + +I hate this and I'm scared.",Bipolar +46105,"BP1 Lithium 4 weeks It's been 1 month since starting lithium I last seen my psychiatrist on day 18 she said that I have responded well which at the time I agreed with although I did say that I feel a little on the flat side she said we might have to put the dose up but she will make that decision next time I see her + +Unfortunately in the 4 or 5 days ago my head has gone cloudy and I feel agitated i did have some mania as well i was just starting to get some relief to after a major 5 month long episode also RLS is back which was caused by trying to start a drug called latuda which was 2 months ago + +Would it be possible that my lithium levels just dropped for no reason? I know they were at 0.57 my psychiatrist said that's about where they need to be btw I take 900mg lithium carbonate SR .. + +Also can someone tell me this crawling feeling at the back of my legs, will I ever be able to go on a low dose of Seroquel for sleep again? + + +Thank you",Bipolar +46106,"Finding help Hi + +So, I don’t know how to start this, I don’t know If I’m bipolar but that’s what I’m looking to find out. Since late middle school I’ve felt depressive moods/ cut myself for 3years, started partying doing drugs and drinking at a really young age and got pretty promiscuous. I never thought I was depressed because sometimes I’d feel really happy and I was capable of that. I thought I was schizophrenic because sometimes I feel delusional or lately I’ve started kind of seeing things or just being extremely terrified of seeing things. I even started to hear my dog choke the other day and when I yelled about it to my sister she said she heard nothing. I just learned that people who are bipolar have delusions and hallucinations, so that part makes sense. I don’t do drugs or cut myself anymore and after those things I tried really hard to clean up my act and managed to do very good in school and still am, but I have absolutely no motivation and I get distracted SO EASILY like not even adderall will help me (again I thought I had adhd but found out this is also a symptom of being bipolar). My mom will sometimes call me “squirrel” because I’ll talk so fast and leap from topic to topic, but other times I can’t even talk to anyone because I get so irritated. I also have weird sleep patterns, I can’t go to bed even when I’m tired and I feel the need to sleep for an incredibly long time most of the time. I also just hate myself, I hate how I look so much, despite constantly being praised for what I look like and whT I achieve. I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or If I have general anxiety disorder or if I’m bipolar... I’m scared to reach out snd get help, I don’t know how. I get so hysterical and I cry so easily and I am so incredibly anxious. My family doctor is an asshole and my family would completely destroy me if they found out I was getting therapy (when they were alerted by my teacher who found out I was cutting myself my mom was sad for about a minute) and to this day 5-6yrs since they found out my dad will stay make fun of me for being “depressed” about “nothing” and cutting myself. None of them understand mental illness or why anyone with privilege would be mentally ill (because they grew up in communist poland and had to escape and they were “fine”) so I just feel stuck but I hate feeling like this I dont know what to do. + +Tldr; i feel like i could be bipolar but i’m unsure, I don’t know what to do or how to get help. Family would kill me if they knew. ",Bipolar +46107,Done I’m worried today’s the day I want to die more than anything ,Bipolar +46108,"Struggling with being at work. I'm not sure exactly what is wrong. I have been so great for a long time. We've just had a beautiful baby boy, I was so lucky that I got to have almost a year off work to be with him. I had arranged to go back to work and a week before I was due back in I had a hypomanic blip, I went to the doctor's about it when I felt it coming on (they were beyond useless, seriously the NHS is in dire fucking trouble as well as anyone who desperately needs their help) they wanted me to postpone going back but financially it was just impossible, plus I felt like I could conquer the world so I went back. I was really productive and confident for about a month until the higher dose meds brought me back down and now I'm stable again. + +The problem now is that I have other medical problems, I deal with a lot of pain & I have epilepsy so there's trying to keep that in check too, as well as caring for my son and at this point in time, I just can't deal with it all. My concentration for anything other than playing with my son, changing him, feeding him etc is nil. When he goes to bed at night I pretty much just sit there and stare at what ever nonsense is on the TV because I don't have the brain capacity to even try to enjoy anything like a game or movie or reading or anything. I just sit there and then go to sleep. + +I have a tonne of support at home, my SO is a diamond I am so thankful for him. I really chose well in the life partner department for sure. My family, mil & friends are all super supportive too. So I don't really have much to complain about outside of not coping with work. + +I used to love my job, I was good at it & I love recognition for when I do a good job but I just don't think I'm good at it anymore. I can barely seem to keep my train of thought together let alone handle the complex shit at work I deal with. I've been trying to think if maybe getting a simpler job would be better, I was a cleaner for a while when I was younger and sort of found that therapeutic. But I am quite prideful about my skillset so I'm not sure in the long run whether that would maybe cause more problems than it would fix. + +I don't know, I'm just feeling really frazzled and I'm on the way to work, can anyone relate? In a way I wish I was still a bit hypo it gave me the boost I think I needed.",Bipolar +46109,"Scary random images when I close my eyes Hey guys , this is my first post. I’ll try and be as descriptive as possible. Im pretty manic right now but even when I’m depressed , when I try to sleep and as soon as I close my eyes I get these really weird demonic images . It scares the hell out of me . They look like monster masks with bright colors. It’s extremely vivid. Im not on any drugs . I’ve been sober for two years now . Has anyone else experienced this or something similar??",Bipolar +46110,"This sounds like a mania induced purchase but I swear it's not... I ordered a baby turtle! The backstory is that I had a turtle I found lost and wandering away from the water when I was about 8 and took him home and made a pet of him. He loved attention and ate from your hand, popped his head up every time he saw me. I loved him and was so attached. He died this fall, I'd had him for 24 years. I was devastated. I couldn't imagine not having him around. I found a website you can order turtles from and finally made the jump to order a baby turtle that looks just like him. I can't wait for him to come, I can see this really cheering me up.",Bipolar +46111,"Just diagnosed Hello, + +I was just diagnosed and have been looking back at my life realizing exactly when my episodes really impacted my life. + +I have had months of extra energy and lofty goals followed by failure when I am unable to continue. Usually the cycle is 3-6 months at a time it seems. + +Since being diagnosed I noticed one day where I was manic in a long depressive streak, so my question is what is typical for cycles? Can I have a 3 hour manic episode? Is it just rare when im having a long streak? Trying to get a grip since this day was very embarrasing and has caused me so much trouble. Is month cycles more common or just day to day? + +And I just want to say this fucking sucks. All my time is spent trying to be like I am when I'm manic and now I find out its a bad thing. This was the best part of myself. ",Bipolar +46112,"Dating someone with depression, I myself have bipolar. He is struggling, swears it doesn't have to do with me, and that he just wants time alone. I hit a low point today. My SO has been struggling a bit lately, I have noticed it when we are together. This morning he finally said he just wants time alone, but the anxiety in me worries that I did something wrong, which has caused me to hit a BIG low. He said it doesn't have to do with me, but I don't know entirely if I believe him (anxiety again). + +I am respecting his decision and told him to contact me when he is ready, but I cannot seem to rebound from this intense low feeling. I just want to cry, mainly because I feel a lack of control. Please help. ",Bipolar +46113,"Went on 2mg Abilify exactly 7 days ago as of today. I've gained 7 pounds. I am a 32 year old woman who was RX'd Abilify 2mg last week and began taking it a week ago today. I take it with 30mg lexapro, which i've taken for several years with no weight gain at all. + +I am naturally very thin and always have been under weight. I have +never had to worry about my weight...until now being on an AAP. I don't even own a scale and borrowed my roommate's today to find out my weight today and last week. The day I began the meds, 7 days ago, I was 117lbs, and am now 124.5. I am still within the healthy benchmark for my height at 5'6. + +However, given that it's only been a week and its 7 pounds, that's a lot, isn't it? I am excited to be a bit curvier and filled out, but I worry about how unhealthy this rapid increase could be, as diabetes runs in my family and I worry this medication will affect my health and metabolism negatively. + +This now is the ultimate incentive to exercise (as i was infrequent) and eat few calories/carbs than before. I used to be someone who could eat anything and be rail thin. + +I'm hoping the effects of Abilify will out weigh the bad. I found that on day 5 of taking it, which was this Monday, was the first day I really felt like it was beginning to make me feel better. So far, I find myself in a happier mood and my coworkers today told me I seem happier and asked me if something good or different happened. I didn't have an answer! I am now not scowling or irritable like I was. I am able to smile at people in my building now at work, when I wasn't able to before. + +I'm curious to find out from other women what their weight gain has been like on Abilify. Were you able to control your weight eventually while still taking it? Or did you have to stop taking it in order to loose weight? Has anyone been able to loose weight after stopping it?",Bipolar +46114,What do mixed episodes feel like for you My pdoc said I have had mixed episodes but I’m not rlly sure what he means. What do those episodes feel like for you? ,Bipolar +46115,Any bipolar moms here. Need reassurance. I’m currently pregnant. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder unspecified because my mood swings are super quick. I’ll go from manic to depressive in a few hours. Im currently what I call stable on 200mgs of lamictal but I’m terrified of what may happen after I give birth. I know PPD with psychosis is higher risk in bipolar moms and I’m scared because I want my baby more than I’ve ever wanted anything and the thought of losing her or causing her harm scares me. Did anyone here either deal with PP psychosis or not have any issues at all after delivery? I’ve already planned on staying with my mom while my fiancé is at work once she’s here so I won’t be alone just in case and my doctor is aware of my situation and is planning to see me after she’s here but it’s still a fear. ,Bipolar +46116,"Increased sex drive while manic I've been manic constantly for the past week and my sex drive has been out of control. To the point where my fiance has had to tell me to stop touching her. Not because it's uncomfortable, just that she has had enough intimacy and isn't interested in physical contact of the sexual nature. + +In the past when I've been manic I avoid physical contact all together. I just don't like touching people or being touched. I don't know what it is about this time around but I'm always interested in sexual contact with my significant other. + +Anyone else had this experience with randomly having an increased sex drive during a manic phase?",Bipolar +46117,"Have you ended a relationship while manic and later regretted it? My (now ex) fiance isn't diagnosed as bipolar, so I may be completely off. In fact, it never occurred to me to think that our relationship, which would be going so well for months and the would have a sudden two week period of intensely angry fights, was the result of bipolar disorder. We had broken up about 4 times in 3 years, always for just a few days, but this time I was tired of fighting his moods. On our last day together, while doing a last sweep after packing up our apartment, he casually mentioned that his mum ""is manic."" He had never told me that before. + +I was really caught off guard by the breakup -- we had just gone to a romantic dinner the night before, and his temper seemed out of nowhere, so after giving him a few days to 'cool off' tried to fix it, and that's when I found out about his new girlfriend. He was screwing her in the bed that We were still sharing at night -- Awful. + +Since we split I found out he's cycled through that girlfriend and now has 3 casual ones. He's bought a car, a new computer, 2 TVs. This despite being really tight on money generally and having a bunch of new expenses since we're not splitting them anymore -- I can't think of how he could possibly be affording this besides maxing out credit cards. He's deleted all his social media, sent angry ranting texts to his friends cutting off their friendship. Right before the breakup he applied for a bunch of jobs in exotic places (he's normally sort of boring about where he'll go) and was coming up with two totally separate out-of-nowhere plans to start businesses in fields he's not skilled in. Now I'm wondering if he could be undiagnosed bipolar. It might explain the sudden promiscuity, reckless spending, maybe even the bursts of anger out of nowhere, We're in our mid 30s, so it would be late to be diagnosed. + +Now that I have this thought in my head, I'm obsessed with the idea that maybe he is sick, rather than cruel, and that he might come down from his mania and want to reconcile. I could forgive everything with a genuine apology -- and obviously a promise to seek treatment. + +It's been about 3 months since we broke it off. We split our stuff, moved to seperate places, and after getting sick of getting angry texts out of he blue, I blocked his number. I'm not going to contact him, he'd have to come to me. I guess I'm not looking for redditers to armchair diagnose but wondering: do people who dump someone during a manic spell come to regret it when they've come down? I'm wondering if my hope for reconciliation is actually plausible, or if Im just grasping at straws?",Bipolar +46118,"Does anyone not want to get better? I saw my psychiatrist today and she prescribed me Wellbutrin for my crippling depression. I'm currently taking 150 mgs and 200 mgs of Seroquel. I'm kind of anxious that the new med will help me, as strange as that might sound. + +I don't want to get better anymore. + +I have given up on life. I've come to accept that I'll never be happy and I don't want to be anymore, because it won't last. It's foolish to seek happiness because it just ends with more hurt and pain. All I wanted for a long time was someone to love me. I thought I found that person. We were going to get married. He left me 3 months to this day... what would have been our two year anniversary is in less than two weeks. + +I see no point in pursuing another relationship. Why go through the pain all over again? Why get my hopes up just to be crushed and thrown away like the trash I am? I'm not hung up on him. I fucking hate him, he was a horrible piece of shit and our relationship was toxic as fuck. But that was our thing. Lord knows I'm not the best person either. + +It happens. + +I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I gave up on all of my dreams. I've become extremely misanthropic and only leave the house to go to my appointments. I wish I would just commit suicide and get it over with. + +Everyone thinks I'm depressed, but I'm not. I think this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to everything I've been through, which this is just the tip of the iceberg and I'm not going to detail every horror that has made up my existence and broke me as a person. + +My fiance leaving me was just the last straw. I can't possibly endure any more suffering in my life, which is why I've cut myself off from other humans, except for my family.",Bipolar +46119,"BPII dx as of today, after 5yrs of unhelpful MDD treatment! Well, I've been half expecting this for awhile, and wondering how I'd handle it if things went this way. I'm actually relieved. + +This partial hospital program I'm in has really hammered it home that no matter what I'd be dealing with a chronic episodic illness, whether MDD or BP - so the only real difference for me outlook-wise is I might actually get some effective treatment now. I might not be ""treatment resistant"" now. I might not have to do ECT. I could cry. I'm getting up there on Lamictal, with a bit of Vyvanse, and I feel just... *normal!* Or what I imagined it would be like. Here's to hoping it's only up from here. I was already fighting for my life, so I know it won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but maybe now I'll have better help. + +This community is something special. Thanks for everything thus far. + +",Bipolar +46120,"I just need a little support I have Bipolar 2, but since I was properly diagnosed and medicated 3 years ago, things have been pretty amazing. If it wasn't for the reminder of taking my meds, I probably would have forgot I even have it by now. But right now I am having an issue with a boss at work and it is really throwing me for a tail spin. At least before when I had crazy anxiety I was used to it, but given how stable I've been the last few years it's SO overwhelming. + +It's a tough situation without a possible solution at the moment - + I'm basically just caught in the crossfire of my two bosses fighting with each other - and it's so tense and uncomfortable here that I feel totally out of control. It's very nerve wracking and I don't remember how to handle this much anxiety. Any advice or kind words would be much appreciated.",Bipolar +46121,"Advice for me - diagnosed with depression, questioning bipolar This is something I just don’t know how to address. +I have depression and anxiety (diagnosed 2 years ago, but I’ve been aware of it for much longer). I was given 3 medications for my panic attacks and depression by my college’s psychiatrist, but upon her retiring, the college wellness center notified me that a nurse practitioner would be monitoring my medication from them on. I felt unsafe, angry, and wiped from the medication so I stopped taking it. I quit going to appointments, and eventually they billed me for all of my no-shows and never followed up. + +For months after I went off my meds, I experienced suicidal thoughts, extreme depressive thoughts, and began self harming. This was very out of character for me. But I stayed off my mess out of fear of regressing. I somewhat leveled out. + +I have a family history of bipolar disorder, and I’m getting close to graduating. I’ve been feeling very much unlike myself lately, and I’m (and my boyfriend is) noticing rapid mood changed from manic (cleaning the ENTIRE house, instigating fights, eating constantly which I’m not sure is exactly manic but I can’t regulate it, and rapid thoughts) to depressive (laying in bed and threatening to never get out, crying before every shift at work because I’m just so tired, feeling like I’m making no progress and just feeling small). My boyfriend has told me at times he feels in-equipped talking me through these episodes. He’s expressed that I should consider going to therapy again. + +I’m graduating in December, and I just feel like potentially being diagnosed with something else or being recommended new medication can ruin that. I’ve worked so hard to get here and I want my degree. But I feel as though it’s irresponsible to put off taking care of my mental health. + +I’m also pretty poor so therapy would be tough for me to pay for. I do have insurance though, so I don’t know how much of a difference that could make. I’ve only ever received free therapy. + +Does anyone have recommendations? Is it worth pursuing a diagnosis for soundness of mind, or is it possible for me to just recognize that in myself and adapt? I limit alcohol intake, as that typically makes things worse for me. But I’m afraid of taking medication because I’m so forgetful and anxious about actually going to refill my prescription. + +I apologize for the word vomit, but I just don’t know where to go from here.",Bipolar +46122,"Mental deterioration In the past few days, I have been feeling a burgeoning amount of hatred that is warping my beliefs. I am normally a very empathetic and kind person that punishes himself for his constant mistakes and apologizes constantly. + +I hurt myself before hurting another person, and I am overly sensitive to criticism. But talking with the person I felt hurt me and reconciling was easy enough. All it took was one conversation and everything would be good. + +But that hatred seemed to warp me into a completely different person. I have a very hard time empathizing, and I can't be affected by criticism or even emotions. When my girlfriend or best friend cried, I would feel all their feelings and comfort them genuinely. + +But even when my best friend was crying on me, I couldn't feel anything. Even she noted that she said ""It didn't feel normal, it didn't feel like you were really there. I feel like you don't really care about me."" + +I have a history of mental illness, my psychiatrist thinks I am bipolar but I suspect otherwise. I am supposed to be on lithium, but I stopped taking it two days ago. These changes happened before lithium, and have been present in the past without lithium so it isn't medication. + +That and my willpower feels boosted, I went back to the gym and train much better and more consistently. I shower regularly, do all my work, and meditate before sleeping. I have much better impulse control and I am much calmer. I don't feel fazed by anything, anxiety, fear, sadness, even my usual depression. Other things I have been doing, the one I find slightly disturbing is I made a list of all the people I have ever known. + +Each day I write out what they have done to make me hate them, and I conclude that they are worthless to me. So far I have done 10 people, and I no longer feel the slightest bit of attachment. When I write out the thoughts, it feels like someone is telling me these. + +When I hesitate he mocks me and laughs about my weakness, and tells me the truth. Although the truth is painful to swallow, it feels like he is my darker self and he is gradually taking control. + +He has had his moments throughout my life, where he took complete control and caused havoc without any mind to the consequences. When I was younger he would make me steal money and cause my parents stress. + +But as I grew older he grew calmer and more scheming. To the extent where he never consciously manifested and took control, but rather suggested to me what seemed to be rational decisions. But as of late he seems ambitious since I am dealing with very traumatic repressed memories. He appeared smirking in my mirror mocking me, he appeared in my dreams hunting me down. He corned me in every part of my life, slowly breaking me. + +Hahaha, I can feel him right now slowly killing me. I wonder how much longer I have left until I am nothing more than a calloused unemotional monster. When my best friend told me I was fake, it deeply disturbed me. What the hell is going on with me?",Bipolar +46123,"Does anybody else see someone else in the mirror? Lately I’m so consumed with negativity that when I look in the mirror I’m surprised to see someone who isn’t consumed with darkness. + +I feel like freaking Gollum! + +Can y’all relate?",Bipolar +46124,"Latuda nausea I've been taking Latuda for a few months and had a little bit of nausea here and there but the last couple of days it's really begun to upset my tummy. I had to take an odansetron tonight to stop myself throwing up and even then I still feel quite ill. + +I know this is a pretty common side effect, I was just wondering if anyone has any tips? It has to be taken with 350 calories, is there any food I could take it with that would lessen the nausea? ",Bipolar +46125,"Pets How many of you think about dying, or suicidal ideation, and then look over at your pet and think ""if you weren't here, i'd probably do it, but i can't let you down.""? + +Like -- can't let the pets down, but people, meh. ",Bipolar +46126,"Increased armodafinil and hypomania?? So I’ve been on nuvigil/armodafinil for almost four years now for hypersomnia. I have been at the 150mg dosage for 3 of those years and just recently wanted to go up to 200 to see what it is like. Note: bipolar symptoms started 2 years after I started taking nuvigil and the medicine didn’t seem to affect my mood. + +I have been on the new nuvigil dosage for a week and a half now and have noticed in the past few days that I feel on top of the world and great. This was not how I felt initially but today I woke up before I even took it and felt super happy and irritated like hypomania before I even took the medicine. + +Is it possible for a 50 mg increase to trigger hypomania or am I just adjusting to the new dosage? I’m curious because I have never had mood symptoms as a result of the medicine before. Also online it says that nuvigil doesn’t tend to cause hypomania but I just don’t know. + +Thanks! + + +",Bipolar +46127,"My boss made a joke about bipolar disorder (rant) I haven't and won't be disclosing my diagnosis at work. Yesterday my boss was talking about someone outside of our company and how volatile that person's demeanor is and how he ""must be bipolar or something."" + +Just a bummer... I always feel like bipolar is a deep dark secret that no one can find out. I work in a professional field where intelligence and ability to work under pressure are critical. Perceived instability would almost certainly prevent me from advancing. It's stressful to always be pretending not to be struggling. I know a lot of others are in the same boat. + +I would love to say I don't need this job or I could go somewhere else, but the stigma is real and I'm almost positive this would be an issue anywhere...",Bipolar +46128,"Super high Highs and very low lows Okay, it seems like every few months or weeks I’ll get this high where I’m happy as fuck and hyper and I wanna be involved in shit and I’m just in a good mood and I want everyone to feel as happy as me and I call old friends and all this shit. But then whenever I’m not on this high I’m so sad and bitter and lonely all the time. I don’t wanna talk to anyone or go on social media, or get out of my bed. And I just get so introverted and unmotivated to do anything. I also just constantly dwell on everything wrong with myself, and my life, and I often get suicidal thoughts, and so much self hatred. I’ve noticed a huge pattern and it’s getting more and more noticeable. I’m 14 female. I do take vyvanse for ADHD which it really affects my mood when I am not on it, but even when I’m on it now it doesn’t make me happy like it used to. I’m also taking anti depressants but they haven’t done fuck all. I’m wondering if any of these might be playing a part in it? I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I don’t have much friends, and the friends I do have aren’t my ride or die by any means, they’re just “now friends” if you know what I mean. maybe my loneliness is doing this?? Maybe bipolar??? I have no idea. all I know is that this is becoming an issue and I’d really appreciate if someone could maybe tell about similar situations they may have had or maybe help me identify the core of the problem...",Bipolar +46129,"Sigh I have a pretty good life. I'm married to my amazing husband, I have a wonderful daughter and I've been at my job for a long time (over 15 years). So why is it that I am always looking for something bad to happen? I feel I don't deserve the good I have so when is the bad going to happen? Is this a symptom of my bipolar? It seems to be the one symptom my meds cannot control. Every day I worry my husband will wake up and see I'm not as wonderful as he says he is, or my daughter will just hate me, or my boss will fire me or even my pets won't want anything to do with me. Why can't I just accept all I have and not look for things that are, or make things, wrong? When I get like this I start fights so that I can say ""see bad things are happening"". How lame is that?? Is this normal? Lots of things make me happy but the happiness is always replaced with fears of something going wrong and this makes me feel so guilty. I'm not looking for happiness. I have it. I'm looking for something to be wrong so things feel normal inside my head. <Sigh>",Bipolar +46130,"Discombobulated And I can't figure out which one of my issues is causing this? PTSD? PCOS? Lyme? All of the above? + +Lamictal is making me super itchy to the point where I feel like I have to inspect for bugs! I haven't seen any...no one who's visited has seen any. I've asked. It's just me and my brain and we're not doing so well right now. + +But that's not what I wanted to start out with... + +My head feels heavy. My brain feels like it's clogged and I've been less social lately. I can't concentrate. Too many thoughts are going around and seconds later I forget what I was just trying to remember, dammit. + +I am an onion. I hate spring. Make it go away.",Bipolar +46131,"I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job because of my Lamictal. Memory has always been bad but it's getting worse and worse. I'm getting write ups left and right for making stupid mistakes. Mistakes that could directly harm living creatures. + +But I'm afraid to come off Lamictal. It's the only thing that's ever worked like this for me without massive side effects. + +I had to use a week of PTO with one days notice because I had a medicine change that triggered a mixed episode. + +I don't know what to do. I have to work. But I feel like I'm a terrible employee. I'm not worth the payroll. I hate this.",Bipolar +46132,"Misdiagnosed? So I was recently diagnosed with bipolar however I am really debating it the last few hours. I have felt fine for a few days, really really good, I’ve done a lot, sorted lots out and now I am kinda feeling like it’s over the top saying it’s bipolar and I am actually fine. I am really confused about everything. Is this the bipolar in me, messing with me or am I actually fine? I was not okay before being diagnosed with this and now I am diagnosed, I just can’t help but think in this moment that it’s all wrong and I am in a good place again now and I don’t need treatment. ",Bipolar +46133,"Voices So I was digonost with manic depression some years ago and I have been taking meds since. I recently found out that audio hallucination are a symptom and I am very confused. I always thought that ""the voice"" was how everyone thought. Its so common to me it was normal and now I find out it not. Does anyone else have this and how do you deal with it?",Bipolar +46134,"First time taking Lamotrigine/questions I have bipolar (not sure which type yet/newly diagnosed) and I have been cycling rapidly lately. I just started taking lamotrigine and I feel like it made my depression and anxiety worse on the second day of taking 25mg. I'm not sure if this is just my mood swings or if it's the medicine. +Anyone else have experience with this medication? Ultimately, I'm going to ask my doctor when I go back soon. Just curious and impatient I suppose.",Bipolar +46135,"What is 50mg Seroquel good for? I had a really bad episode and the crash brought along with it severe anxiety and insomnia. My pdoc and I were in the process of adjusting my prescriptions to better handle the stress overload caused by my job. He added in 50mg Seroquel and low dose of Lexapro. My anxiety went away and I could sleep, yay! I'm hungry all the time, bloated, and my muscles get all twitchy and tense if I don't go to sleep within an hour-ish of my Seroquel dose. + +So, I hate Seroquel. What is 50mg really good for? As far as I understand that low of dose isn't therapeutic level for anything bipolar related. I'm also on Lithium and Lamactil. + +*I can't take time off of work to see my pdoc for several weeks or more and I don't plan to change anything on my own. My job is also still slowly killing me so I'm hesitant to change anything right now too. Question is general curiosity.",Bipolar +46136,"It's not all in my head Along with bipolar, BPD, PTSD, and panic disorder, one of the big things I've been struggling with the past few years is chronic pain. My old PCP wouldn't take me seriously, and kept telling me to take Tylenol and lose weight. + +I had an appointment with my new PCP yesterday and my blood test results came back. My vitamin D is very low and I also tested positive on a blood marker for autoimmune disorders. So, bad news is I probably have something like fibromialga. Good news is, it's not all in my head! I've struggled with pain so much that I really thought it was psychosomatic at this point. + +I cried yesterday after taking gabbapentin. Even marijuana does not take away the pain like this drug does. For the first time in many years, my joints don't hurt, I don't have aches all over my body. I feel like a huge weight is lifted, and I just wanted to share with you guys. I woke up today at a normal hour (I've been sleeping upwards of 14 hours a day for months due to pain/depression) and wasn't in pain for the first time in as long as I can remember. + +I feel like this is going to have a huge impact on my mental health. I've been in a depressive slump for a good year or so, with little blips of happiness. I feel like I can do things and be happy again. ",Bipolar +46137,"Question about seroquel Hi everyone. I'm not sure if there is a better place to ask this. I'm not bipolar but I am prescribed seroquel which I know is common for bipolar so maybe someone here has some advice or info + +I am on 150mg/day of seroquel. Been on that dose i believe for about 8 months. I was also in a car crash around the same time I started on this dose, prior to that I was taking 25mg every few days for sleep. + +I've noticed since then that I am having awful muscle aches and pains. I noticed it in my back first and got physio thinking it was from the car accident (which wasn't a bad accident but I didn't know what else it could be). The physio helped some but I'm noticing other muscles are hurting a lot, every day. My right arm will get numbness a fair amount and extreme pain. I'll also have random areas (eg. Lower leg) that will start hurting for a day then go away. Is this common? Could it be the seroquel? I want to come off it but not sure how fast I can do so. + +Any help would be very appreciated! ",Bipolar +46138,Looking for an informational resource on how to deal with the BPD of a family I am looking for a subreddit or online website or informational resource that provides advice to family on how to deal with Bipolar Disorder of a family member.,Bipolar +46139,"Newly diagnosed I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After about a year of trying SSRIs with absolutely no success my doctor referred me to a therapist. Through therapy we’ve discovered my problem is not just depression. I’m so happy to hopefully have the right diagnosis and will soon be feeling more stable. + +I’ve been started on a low dose of Abilify (4mg) because of the success it has had treating my mothers BPD. Any one have any experience with Abilify? So far my only symptoms are waking up through out the night and feeling slightly jittery during the day. ",Bipolar +46140,"Welp it turns out I will not be the next film prodigy I’m just having a mixed episode. Lately I’ve been like one possessed to write direct and shoot a film myself. I have experience in none of these things whatsoever I’m a psychology major, I’ve been listening to as much new music as possible to try to be inspired and be able to have an adequate soundtrack, I’ve decided that I need to completely overhaul my life. I need to read more, write more, be around people more which means quitting my usually very isolating job in order to gain material for my screenplay. I even went as far as to drive 30 minutes to to look for a homeless man that I met two weeks prior outside a bar because I had an interesting conversation with him about Arthur C Clarke . And as far as my screenplay goes I’m obsessed I think about it constantly but I can’t think of a plot or characters or setting my mind just goes around in circles and runs into walls but it’s very important that I get it done. I started bidding on film equipment on eBay. I spent an hour crying in my car yesterday because I miss my friends and none of them are available to see me and I feel isolated. I keep forgetting to do important things I have major brain fog. I get distracted by everything. It’s becoming sort of a hazard at my job at this point I’m trying to judge whether I should take some time off. It happens in April without fail I don’t know why I’m surprised. And my psychiatrist went on vacation today FML. I hate this. I had my meds adjusted a month ago and I though I was going to be stable forever HA! ",Bipolar +46141,"Rapid cycling is becoming increasingly unbearable So I’m bipolar one with rapid cycling. I was diagnosed about a year ago. + +Lately I have felt so isolated and I think I did it but self. I go one day happy about my life. And that the rest of the week it takes all of my energy just to get out of my bed. + +I know this comes with the illness. And I know that I’m going to be OK. But in the meantime I’d really like to stop crying and feeling like my life doesn’t matter. + +I feel very alone even when I am around other people. + +I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. + +I don’t remember how I ended up like this. + +I’m so frustrated because the last three years I had so many horrible things happen. + +I’m trying to get myself under control. + +I take my medicine but it doesn’t seem to work. I change it. That will work for a few weeks. Then I have to move on to something else. + + I don’t take Xanax or Clonopin. Only because my doctor doesn’t want me to become dependent on them. I don’t know. I guess a lot of people become addicted. I don’t have an addictive personality that I’m aware of. But Vistaril doesn’t work. + +I smoke a lot of pot and that helps but where I’m from it’s not really something you can admit. And its something I can get arrested for but it’s also on of the few things that calm me down enough to be rational. + +I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how any one could put up with me. But I don’t have anyone to talk to. + +I know I am being irrational. But right now everything feels real. + +What am I suppose to do? I just want it to go away. + +I feel like I am being ridiculous. + +How did this happen? I haven’t always been like this... anxious, yes. I’ve always been a nervous person. But I was brave. And now I’m afraid of everyone and everything. + +I’m not really looking for answers. I just needed to say it. I don’t want to hate my life. I want to be better. I have to get better. This can’t be the rest of my life. +",Bipolar +46142,"How can I best support my mom? My mom has bipolar disorder. She can be stable for long periods of time, but when she gets sick she gets very sick. My parents did a good job of shielding me and my little brother from her illness. Now that I'm older how can I best be there for her?",Bipolar +46143,"Best friend needs me and I’m not there (long post) My best friend recently moved to a new city and doesn’t know anyone. It’s ruining his mental health and I’ve been getting midnight and 1 am texts and calls from him. My boyfriend doesn’t understand that there is nothing going on and he needs someone to be there for him. I understand he doesn’t want me talking to other guys at that hour, but I’m so conflicted on helping a friend or making my boyfriend happy. No matter what I do it’s the wrong decision. When I drink and fall asleep my boyfriend will wake me up saying I got a call or text and I will be in such a confused state I will state a ridiculous lie that doesn’t even make sense. I don’t even realize what I’ve said until he starts yelling at me that I just lied to him. Last night my best friend called me twice and my boyfriend tried to wake me up and I told him some recruiter called me. It’s so outrageous and I don’t even remember saying it. This led to another fight about me lying and our relationship being put on the line. I can’t keep fighting and being the bad guy that’s ruining our relationship. No matter what I am always the one at fault. I don’t think I can survive another fight with him threatening our relationship only to wake up and get told that he still wants this. Last night I got multiple texts and calls from my best friend begging for me to talk to him and he needs someone there. My boyfriend grabbed the iPad and FaceTimed him and told him to stop calling me and hung up. I was a wreck crying my heart out in our bedroom. I wanted to lock myself in the closet and call my friend and be there for him but we were in the middle of battling out whether I’m lying or he wants this and how I was the one who needed to fix it. I woke up this morning and had a text from my friend telling me he had been cutting himself all night thanks to me. Why do I tell people I’ll be there for them when clearly I can’t keep the promise? I’ve let yet another close friend down. I can’t keep letting people get close to me. I ruin every relationship I’ve formed with people because I can’t keep my own life in check. I feel like the scum of the earth who doesn’t deserve a damn thing. I want to make everyone happy at what ever cost and don’t think about the reality of it. I want to rewind time and start everything over again and make it right. At this point I get to keep riding the spiral farther and father down. I could really use a high right now because this low keeps getting worse and worse. ",Bipolar +46144,"Unmanageable seroquel side effects after two years I've been on seroquel for about two years now, and over the last couple of months I've developed side effects that I can't handle anymore and I don't know what to do. My pdoc prescribed adderall about a year and a half ago to counteract the sedation I feel even after taking my meds at night. Lately my muscles are so stiff and sore I can hardly move and sometimes it hurts so much I can't do anything but just cry. After taking my meds and laying down in bed, my nose stuffs up out of nowhere and I can't breathe at all and my heart starts pounding and when I try to breathe out of my mouth and finally start falling asleep I can feel my breath slowing down and I panic that I'm going to stop breathing and I jerk awake. My legs are so restless and twitchy and I get so frustrated and I can't breathe and I don't know what to do other than just sob and wait it out until the seroquel knocks me out. This lasts for an hour or two every night. I don't even want to take the meds anymore because I know how shitty I'm going to feel. I don't even want to go to sleep anymore. I know when I tell my pdoc she's just going to try to convince me to switch back to lithium which I will never do. I had horrible painful acne so bad I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without sobbing and wanting to die (her response was ""wear makeup""). + +Has anyone else had side effects like these? I don't know what changed recently and why I'm feeling this way after being relatively stable for so long. ",Bipolar +46145,"bipolar & traveling & manic episodes & foreign psych ward !! Hi everyone. I wrote this about something I experienced last night/kind of what happened to me in my first psychotic manic episode or whatever you wanna call it. Did anyone else ever experience something like this? + + + + +The sun was setting in the Guatemalan Western Highlands as I used some of my precious battery life to check how far I was on the map on my phone. Nearly three hours. + +Traffic had slowed to a crawl, and I felt the tell-tale ticking of my anxiety rising in my stomach. + +This wasn’t the plan, my brain told me. It was supposed to still be light when you got there. + +Fear began to overwhelm me even though I had been in situations like this before. I had arrived only the night earlier in Guatemala City close to midnight. It’s days like this my recent diagnosis as being bipolar began to make sense. + +I thought I heard the woman with her child talking on the phone on the bus saying something about “rubia,” and fright overwhelmed me. I have become so scared of my own brain. In everything I do, I question – what symptom of bipolarity is this? + +While in Croatia last summer, I was relaxed, partying, and feeling like for once, I had come out of my shell; I had become the person I was supposed to be. + +That bout of mania landed me in a Croatian psych ward. When I stopped punishing myself for the sexual assault I suffered when I was four and began to allow myself to be happy, or so I thought, I had a psychotic break. + +I heard people talking about me. + +First, it was about how great I was, how cool, how pretty, and it was flattering. I felt on top of the world. Then, I heard the other hallucinations. + +They were not so flattering. + +I spent a night in a hostel crying, while nearly 10 people in the same room tried to sleep. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t stop crying. I was hysterical. + +My hallucinations had made me believe I had been raped, I had herpes, I was tainted and disgusting, and that I should probably kill myself because no one loved or cared about me. + +That night, I spent in my head. I didn’t sleep, except for an hour, but then I was woken up by the hostel staff and asked to leave – my reservation was only for one night. I wandered around the city and I felt like everyone was talking about me. I wanted to cry or sleep or escape, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity to do any of it. + +I muttered and wandered. I felt so foggy, like there was a weight on my mind. Why were people following me? Why couldn’t I see them? + +The next two days are kind of blurs in my mind, but I know I managed to leave all my belongings behind, including my glasses and my ability to see, have a delusion that I could speak every language I had ever heard a word of, and start to become aggressive. + +The next clear memory I have, I was waking up in a soft, warm bed. It was dirty all around me, and I felt so groggy and tired. I was in and out of sleep the whole day, waking up occasionally to eat a meal. There was a layer of grime and shame on me that a cold shower couldn’t get off. All I wanted to do was curl up in that bed and become an invalid. The delusions were still there, but weaker. + +So, when this perfectly friendly, normal Guatemalan woman was simply having a conversation with her mother, and I thought I heard words that might pertain to me, it freaked me out. + +I have a mantra I internalize when I am projecting my fears onto speech around me – no one cares about you, no one is talking about you. + +It sounds pretty emo. + +But, when I thought, just for two minutes, this Guatemalan woman was planning a way to rob me, it’s extremely comforting. + +I went home after I ended up in the psych ward because clearly I needed to meet with psychiatrists and a whole host of doctors and a lovely therapist who would try to help me and have varying levels of success. + +Throughout this process, my goal was to continue to travel by myself. I saw this as a hiccup. A pretty major hiccup, but one that’s able to be overcome with a can-do attitude! + +It wasn’t about or feeling like I had failed, but an urging from deep in my motherfucking soul that told me if I stayed in the relative warmth and comfort of my parents’ house now, I would never leave. + +That’s probably a symptom. + + +",Bipolar +46146,"Mania-like episode, how do I bring this up to my psychiatrist? So I have not been dx'd with bipolar. I do have the following formal diagnoses as of now: borderline personality disorder (BPD), double depression (major depression and dysthymia), generalized anxiety, bulimia, alcohol abuse. + +I'm trying to figure out how to present this to my psychiatrist. I think I've been in a manic episode for the last 2-3 weeks or so especially. I had started thinking this on Saturday and my significant other said he thought I seemed like I was manic for the last few weeks. + +My psych doc put me on 20 mg of prozac which I initially thought was making me really zombie like but then I went on a tinder spree. I have promiscuous tendencies when drinking but I usually don't actually do anything. I hit on an old boyfriend once, but otherwise have been faithful to my SO. + +In the past month, I have had sex with 3 different guys and had a multi hookup with one that I've basically been texting nonstop. I've been pounding energy drinks and alcohol, and tindering, and wanting to go out and do things and talk to people and dance which is weird for me because I'm introverted. + +My SO confronted me Friday night/Saturday and everything kind of crashed back and I'm having a what the fuck did I do moment. + +I felt GOOD last week. I actually felt like I had some energy despite still not sleeping any better than usual (I have bad insomnia). That never happens, and I want to cry because if it is actually bipolar, I'm not going to get to feel like that again. My psychiatrist thinks my baseline is a depressed mood (which I'm now in again). So basically I get to spend the rest of my life depressed and I don't want to have to live like that. + +How do I bring this up to my doctor? I have been drinking a lot, so I'm worried she is going to dismiss it as a by product of that instead of something else. I've taken mood stabilizers in the past without much improvement in the depression, but the focus was on the depression. I'm assuming my doctor has ruled out bipolar already. + +Is it weird that I would have a full blown manic episode for the first time at 26?",Bipolar +46147,"I am confused with potential diagnosis - am I actually fine? So the last couple of weeks for around 8 days, I felt horrendous, I wanted to die so badly, I couldn’t find a way out. That was just after I had been overly happy, cleaned everything, started volunteering for a charity and was feeling productive and somewhat irritated this lasted around 4 days. + +Now this week (or more so right now) I feel flat and annoyed with everyone, I feel as if I’m fine and normal, I’m not worried about passing my exams because I feel okay but flat, I’ve been like this for 2 days now. I went to the doctor after years of feeling unstable recently and now today I feel as if I’ve been dramatic by going to the doctor, they said it sounds like I may have bipolar and I am waiting for a further mental health assessment. + +Many people around me tell me they think I’ve got bipolar but I truly think I’ve messed up by going to the doctor in the first place and actually everything is fine. + +When I am not feeling okay I know that actually I am unwell but I feel fine now and I don’t want to talk to any other professionals about this potential bipolar diagnosis when I am fine and feeling as if this is just who I am. Sometimes I’m a bubbly funny person, sometimes I am very low- now I’ve had a professional say it’s potential bipolar I am in total denial of anything being wrong. + +I feel irritated. + +Can anyone relate? + +TL;DR, I was so sure I was unwell but now I’ve finally spoken to someone I think I’m fine and I was being dramatic. ",Bipolar +46148,"Invitation to complete an anonymous online research survey regarding mental health treatment preferences Hello, You are invited to complete a survey for a WMU psychology department research project designed to assess treatment preferences among adults seeking treatment for a variety of concerns. We hope to learn if and how preferences for treatment change over time, and if patient’s perception of their treatment’s match to their preferences is related to the benefit received from treatment. The survey is open to anyone ages 18 or older who is currently engaged in mental health treatment for at least one month and four therapy sessions, and not longer than one year. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to provide some demographic/background information, respond to survey items about your preferences for treatment and how they have changed over time, and about your quality of life. The survey may take between 30-40 minutes to complete. Your responses to the survey items will be anonymous and kept confidential. Clicking the “SURVEY” link below will take you to a page asking you to read through a consent form explaining the purpose of this research, the content of the survey, the type of questions you will be asked, the amount of time it may take to complete the survey, and the risks and benefits of your participation. At the end of the form you can click “AGREE” to consent to the use of the answers you provide and to begin completing the survey. Thank you for your time and interest. + +https://wmichcas.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_afS6lEMGYYG0JjT + +Project Title: Treatment preference, retention, and treatment outcome at a university-based outpatient psychology clinic Principle Investigator: Scott Gaynor, Ph.D. Student Investigator: Chelsea Sage-Germain If you have any questions prior to or during the study, you may contact Chelsea Sage-Germain, M.A. at Chelsea.e.sage@wmich.edu or (269) 387-4497 or Dr. Scott Gaynor at (269) 387-4482. You may also contact the Chair of Human Subjects Institutional Review Board at 269-387-8293 or the vice president for research at 269-387-8298 with any concerns that you have.",Bipolar +46149,"(xpost from /r/bipolar)Weird experience with latuda monotherapy? Advice? Throwaway account cause i don't really use reddit, i just needed some advice + +I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about a month ago and started taking latuda about 20 days ago. The initial 20mg dosage gradually killed my (at the time) current hypomanic episode within a week, which was fantastic! I also noticed some, but not all, depressive feelings being held at bay, which was nice, if not quite optimal. + +However, I bumped up to 30mg about a week ago, and 2 days after that, I had a psychotic episode until the next morning-I felt incredibly debilitating dissociative symptoms and I felt like my body was acting seperately from my mind in a way that was trying to kill me. I couldnt really talk, and mentally, I felt completely void and couldnt form a coherent thought. (my experience was a lot like that of this blog post: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-mom/2012/03/i-had-a-medication-induced-psychotic-episode/). Since I have bp2, mania with that much cognitive and physical impairment isn't really normal for me. + +Anyways, after that experience my psychiatrist recommended that I cut back to 20mg latuda (which seemed to help with hypomania to some degree) until the end of the college semester, and we planned to experiment with med cocktails after the summer. With all this in mind, I'd like to have some sort of plan going forward. Is there a safe way I can continue to ramp up my latuda dose (i.e. in conjunction with a stronger antimanic agent like lithium)? Or should I quit latuda and try a different drug entirely?",Bipolar +46150,"possibly bi-polar diagnose. Goodmorning people! + +Just a short introduction.. + +For a long time now, I've been experiencing symptoms such as; +Indecisive as F. I CHANGE MY MIND ALL THE TIME. I can't seem to relate to anything... +It's really bad. I can't stay at a job, as soon as I get an idea, let's say traveling or doing something else, I quit my job, leave my apartment, and the idea just slowly dies. Then I start aaaall over again, finding a job, a new place to stay, new idea, BAM. Same vicious circle. + +I have mood-swings like crazy. Depressed periods/days, and not so depressed periods/days. +On my depressed periods/days I; +Tend to isolate myself, disable all my social media, turn off my phone. +I get irritable and angry about the smallest things, for no reason. +My creativity/confidence level goes to 0, so it's like i've never played on my guitar before, or sung a song. +And of course, the overthinking everything like crazy, it gets so bad that I can't even answer a ""simple"" yes or no question, without having to overthink it. And I always know that as soon as I answer the question, I would/will change my mind straight away. + +On my good days/periods, I get crazy.. hyper and active? +Spend money on random stuff +Get 1000 of ideas, but never follow through with one of them. +Confidence is SKY HIGH, and I can do everything. +I sleep 3-4 hours max, and im good to go. + +Relationship wise; I really quickly lose interest. All of a sudden, I just cut off contact without letting the person - Or i do the opposite, and get way to clingy and deep. + + + +So yesterday, I've simply had enough. I went to the doctor, told him all this, and he referred my to a psychiatrist, which I will be seeing in 4-5 weeks... He couldn't tell me 100% what it was, and im just clueless on what to do. Can anyone of you relate to any of this? + +",Bipolar +46151,"crosspost from /advice I'm at a crossroads with career due to mental illness I'm 26 I do tier 1&2 tech support and other IT tasks at a decently sized fortune #### company. I've been diagnosed with bipolar for 6 years. Anxiety and previously depression for 15 + + +I've been having one of the worst depressed episodes in years. We're going on 5 months now. Typically when I have an episode and I'm working the either the collateral damage from the mania or stagnancy from the depression lead to me losing my job. But with this one I have short term disability insurance and FMLA so my job is protected. + + +I'm at home thinking about what I want to do with my life and if the life I lead could be contributing to the stress I feel. I went to high school for writing and was a college drop out for film. I have a passion for the arts, a talent for the science, and an interest in a lot of other fields. And surmountable debt from my previous studies. + + +Part of me knows the reasonable thing would be to go back to work, but it feels like a big ol wall is blocking me. + + +The tricky thing is that the disease makes you feel like moving and making changes and starting new projects and idk if thats what that really is. I could use some outside insight + + +I'm trying to figure out if it makes sense to go back to school and apply for disability/scholarships/ect or continue down the technology path. +",Bipolar +46152,"New Art Subreddit Hi everyone! This morning I created the sub reddit r/Manicart. For all you artists, writers, poets, photographers,song writers to post to... if you want to. I love seeing everyone's creativity, and I think a one stop subreddit would be sick. ",Bipolar +46153,How do you cope with mixed hypomania? Help please,Bipolar +46154,"I quit my job Just couldn't do it anymore. I did it on good terms though, face to face with the GM, giving my two weeks notice. My ability to deal with customers has been diminishing and I feel I'm a threat to others. Every day I dread going to work a little more. Every day is a little more difficult and I feel as if I'm going to snap. Next week will be my last. I'm glad I had the guts to do it yesterday and didn't wait, because fuck, I feel like I'm barely making it. I feel like a caged animal that yearns to run, to soar, to live. +I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the end of next week. We'll see. Every day there I feel like dropping everything and walking out the door, but I care too much for my managers. + +",Bipolar +46155,"There's no amount of meds I can take that will properly medicate my overwhelming generalized anxiety without screwing everything else up It just feels cosmically unfair that the fact that I need to take multiple mood stabilizers seems to mean the balance is such that it's impossible for SSRIs to lessen very much of my anxiety. I've been seeing my pdoc for years and she's great and I trust her, and we spent two years figuring out the formula for my comorbid cocktail. Before I was diagnosed bipolar obvs life was miserable, but I was able to take a higher dosage of the SSRI I still take (Lexapro) and maybe I'm remembering with rose colored shades, but I feel like back then, while my life may have been spiraling out of control, the anxiety wasn't quite so paralyzing. We've tried multiple times to increase the Lexapro, but every time I become catatonically emotionless within the week, so I know at least for Lexapro that's not a viable option. +My pdoc seems to think that the anxiety is more situational than chemical, but I can't help but feel this isn't a normal (or completely unmedicateable) level of crippling anxiety to feel constantly. +At the same time this isn't an ideal point in my life to go gambling with switching up my meds again. +Is it really just impossible for some of us to find chemical relief from anxiety in a way that won't throw off the balance of the mood stabilizers? I know I should pursue DBT or CBT but $ makes that really difficult right now when I already pay my pdoc out of pocket and am broke as a joke. Is it pessimistic or deluded to think there's no way something other than medication could treat my anxiety the way meds did in the past? I know therapy could help with depression and such, but what of the every-second-of-everyday anxiety that is definitely not entirely situational and has not improved with changing situational circumstances? If the anxiety was caused by something specific I might be more optimistic about CBT/DBT, but it's just... generalized. It doesn't go away. +I feel my options are a. try another drug and start over so to speak, or b. accept that this is my lot in life as a bipolar person.",Bipolar +46156,"Trileptal? in addition to lamotrigine (lamictal) (which has worked fantastic), my doctor JUST put me on trileptal. i was wondering what your experiences with it have been?! especially women in their early twenties. thank you so much. ",Bipolar +46157,"Am i BiPolar? Ok so I have been struggling with these severe mood swings for almost 4 years. I thought it was just severe suicidal depression but recently within the past year i have been experiencing these nights or grouping of nights where I would stay up and do a ton of random projects and crazy work ideas. Nothing ever got done but after not sleeping and all, I would crash. I would hit a depressing suicidal low and not know when it's going to end. Currently this is the longest depressive episode at almost 3 weeks. It's to the point where my grades went from A's to F's and my parents think it's anxiety. I go to a therapist but she doesn't know the full story. I also am being evaluated but that takes months. Ii am taking AP Psych in school and we are learning about mental illnesses and i realized i may be bipolar. 'm trying to keep family out of it while also getting help. Can someone help me? Do you think I have bipolar disorder? + +",Bipolar +46158,"Starting to worry I was misdiagnosed, please help. Okay so I've been medicated for 3.5 years now after the initial symptoms started (extremely rapid mood swings) after a nervous breakdown. And since I've been medicated I haven't had any kind of significant mood swings. + +Except I do still have minor mood swings but nothing like before and I'm wondering if I'm actually borderline instead. + +So my question is, how well do meds work? Will they always keep me truly stable 100% of the time? Is it normal to get into an episode while medicated? + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46159,"Journaling Advice I've been journaling as a routine for a while now and I feel I need a little more structure. My typical entry is food, caffeine, nicotine, water, exercise, sleep, and how I feel. + +The static items regarding diet are fine, I don't want to get granular there, but for tracking the emotions I feel I need to better ""standardize"" what I am trying to say. Has anyone encountered this? + +For instance, I can have entries that range from ""feeling scattered"", ""feeling lost"", ""feeling confused"". Well really this is me saying I am confused. So I was thinking of focusing on Robert Plutchik's theory of 8 basic emotions and sort of seeing how that works for a while. + +The reason for this is so I can trend the states over time and see if that uncovers anything. + +Essentially, instead of figuring out how I feel, I have a list of ways I could feel, then I just check the box. + +Any thoughts?",Bipolar +46160,"Hey, I’m new here! I just wanted to ask some questions. Does anyone go through the whole ‘range’ within a few weeks? Ie, a (I presume) brief period of hypo/mania, to the depressive stage, to anxious to eventually ‘normal’ to then swing back round to it all? I’m in denial, and don’t want anything to be wrong. I’ve had from what I remember in the past, two massive depressive periods - the childhood one I can’t remember too much about it. The last one, I was physically ill with it. My mil likes to remind me of how my body was ‘here’ I most definitely was not. Any manic episodes I have managed to keep myself in check, but this is I presume the anxiety’s doing. I have an irrational fear of repercussions, (that and a poor credit rating) and normally contain it to getting new pets or some other thing that is a huge distraction. If I had access to money, I dread to think. + +Drinking, I can go where I literally want to drink ALL the time, to never wanting to touch it, I also get suicidal after drinking (a bit like how you feel after a manic episode, where you just think what a d**k you’ve made of yourself, and the shame over what you’ve done, well, what you remember anyway) + +I still don’t know a lot about this illness, (only recently been referred) I see the mental health team every week, but I kept fobbing them off when bipolar was mentioned ‘I’m not bipolar!’ And for anyone from the UK, we pretty much only have Stacey from eastenders as point of reference *facepalm* . I never act out on suicidal thoughts, (health anxiety there too). + +Also, does anyone ‘forget’ a lot? Eg, I literally washed and changed my daughter (she’s 1 1/2) and literally 5 mins after, I couldn’t remember what all I did.. did I change her nappy? Did I wash her? Did I brush her hair (for that one, I can see her hair has been brushed, but I can remember doing it) I forget if I have eaten, went to the toilet. + +Work, I struggle so much. I get anxious over it, I can’t face them when I go back after being off sick. The looks I’m given, the questions as to why I was off and if I’m feeling better (all in good heart) but I get so ashamed I can’t manage. I struggle to get up and ready to go in. When I’m there I struggle with deadlines, and adherence - everything is timed. I accidentally got a new job, in a completely different sector, where I’m looking after people with dementia. How Can I actually look after people when I can barely manage to look after myself? I’m treading water, and poorly. I’ve four kids, (the elder three are teens) and they’ve to help me so much, as my partner. I’m terrified of another massive depressive episode as before as I CANNOT spend another year or more ‘not here’ I struggle talking to doctors about this, so will be glad when I finally meet the clinical psychologist who’s been assigned to me. + +Also, cbt, doesn’t seem to work anymore :( i can’t take hold of my thoughts, which in turn make dealing with them impossible.. + +Whoops, sorry for the dissertation here! ",Bipolar +46161,"Overreacted and feeling guilty I completely overreacted over something so minor and I ended up getting really upset and saying to my boyfriend I wanted to die. I do not want to die, but I wanted that moment to end. I also said nobody cared for me which isn’t true because he does. Most of all I feel embarrassed and majorly guilty for saying saying I wanted to die. I don’t know why I did that and I wish I could rewind time. + +He has been my absolute rock and I am just throwing it all back in his face without meaning to. It’s like I can’t stop myself from saying horrible things and/or reacting so badly towards nearly everything. I don’t think we will talk about this again but I just feel so awful for saying I wanted to die. After everything he does to make sure I am well and okay. I feel so guilty and I can see so clearly it was a total overreaction once again. + +He knows the cycle of the bad days- mad, sad and guilty. He knows how my day is going to be before I do. I just can’t believe I’m acting like this towards the man I am so in love with. + +It’s been a bad couple of days after a handful of good ones.",Bipolar +46162,"Fake clarity So interesting how clear everything seems to be while manic. I know the answers to problems that have been plaguing me. I feel like everything falls into place. I am finally cured of all my anxieties and feel silly for worrying about them in the first place. I spent money on hobbies I've given up on because I know I'll suddenly get good at it *this* time. Oh and no I don't need to see my therapist again or take my meds because I'm *cured* finally! + +But of course this lasts for maybe a week until I hit reality hard and everything takes over. But it won't happen *this* time. No of course not. + +Fml.",Bipolar +46163,"Tell me about Lamictal (lamotrigine) Hey Yall , + +I'm Bipolar type 2, +currently on 20mg cymbalta +and regular dose of dioxizine and clonidine (which doesn't do much) +I was on clonazapam for around 15 years till they pulled me off, and it hasn't ever been the same. I've been off for about a year and a half now. + +My main symptons now are tons of anxiety, and occasional panic, lots of moodiness including intense fear, anger, and resentment, especially to those I love and don't intend to hurt. + +I'm thinking of trying out lamotrigine, have you guys had any luck with it. Of course, I realize individual results will vary.. Thanks guys, stay strong. ",Bipolar +46164,"I got a new job! My greatest accomplishment was passing the state electrical exam with ADD but with the help of Ritalin. After being laid off from work several times because of being bipolar I went through depression which caused me to want to quit the trade. I have had a divorce from the field and don't want to be an electrician anymore. + +Hit with child support I found myself without a job for a long time. I worried I was going to jail for non payment and finally found a job at McDonald's making $7.25 an hour at 10 hours a week. Not enough to pay child support. + +I responded to an ad for a job remodeling fire/smoke/water damaged houses and aced my interview. I got the call today on the job offer. $11 an hour at 40+ hours a week. I went from $200/mo to $1760/mo. + +I used to make $4000/mo. But I'm happy I can finally pay my bills. Being jobless, a felon, a divorcée and not having filed my taxes since 2012 had me in crippling depression. I've since found a website I could file everything and will be doing that soon so I won't go to federal prison for tax dodging. + +After years of drug abuse with alcoholism I have also been sober three years. + +Small victories. ",Bipolar +46165,"What would you do if the one medication that saved your life gave you a debilitating illness? Lamictal is the only thing that has ever helped me. Lamictal saved me. I have been on everything under the sun and I owe my life to lamictal helping me. + +But it also gave me a recurring, disabling fever condition. I get recurring fevers once a month around 101-104 degrees, they last 2 weeks, and my only symptoms are cold sweats, chills, and really awful flu-like aches. This condition leaves me housebound half of my life because its like having the flu constantly. I have done extensive testing for this through a rheumatologist. + +My periodic fever syndrome started after starting lamictal 3.5 years ago. It started exactly a month in as I titrated up the dose. I am 99.9% sure it's tied to the medication, and my rheumatologist thinks that's very likely. I've had 6 attempts of getting off lamictal, and I absolutely cant and possibly never will be able to get off of it, so I'm stuck. It helps me too much, so I end up suicidal lowering my dose. Rheumatologist started treating me for the fever syndrome anyway in case treating the inflammation would help, but I've only had a slight reduction in symptoms. Psychiatrist says there's really nothing else for me to switch to with my history of everything I've tried, and it's down to either getting off or finding a way to treat my fevers. (I take lithium as well, but it doesn't help depression like lamictal does) + +Apparently 5% of people who take lamictal have periodic fevers as a symptom, and even lamictal-induced lupus is a thing which is terrifying. I don't know where to go from here. :/",Bipolar +46166,"Distinct likes during episodes? I’ve noticed that while my personality stays the same more or less during episodes, one thing that doesn’t is things I can or can’t stand. For example, depending on my episode I crave candy, or turkey sandwiches, or goldfish and string cheese. Each is distinct, and I feel like I can eat it for every meal every day while the episode is happening. Then it will shift to another one of those foods. + +Anyone else have anything like this? Where cravings and things become the characteristic of the type of episode you’re going to have? ",Bipolar +46167,"(Slight TMI) Should I get my prolactin levels checked? If I'm understanding correctly, Latuda can increase your prolactin levels. I'm pretty sure that's happening to me because my breasts are feeling pretty similar to when my milk came in after giving birth. + +I see my psychiatric med manager on Tuesday. Is this worth bringing up or am I worrying over nothing?",Bipolar +46168,"Coming out of an intense manic phase need help keeping it together. I don't know, I can just feel it. The kind of really instable feeling with the piercing headache after feeling kickass for a couple days. + +I need help keeping it togeter til it passes. I've been keeping it together for so long and I don't want to land myself on the streets or in jail again again, does anyone have any advice?",Bipolar +46169,"Depakine chrono 500 a day for a week now and I feel like shit My anxiety started hitting levels i don't know exist.. I feel tired all the time, can't foucs much, motivation is low also.. I just want to know if these symptoms will go away with time or I should stop the meds and wait for my next doc appt + +Ps: my final is 2 weeks away so this is really important decision for me to make",Bipolar +46170,"Hello. Im writing an essay on the importance of maintaining good mental health services in the U.S. Could I get anyone to fill out a form? https://goo.gl/forms/5EawJzNB7v2fLj872 + +Completely Anon and would help a lot. + +Edit: I apologise. How do I make sure the moderators approve?",Bipolar +46171,"Take that Seroquel Semiconscious thoughts at 4:00 AM on Seroquel are unintelligible. Memories are photographs, they lie horizontally and twist and float across a black screen and cannot be intelligibly linked to the jumble of words that come to my mind when I try narrate what is happening to myself. I want to panic for fear I've lost control of my conscious self, my own perception of my own experiences and my own story. But what is more likely? Do I have a story over which to have control? Aren't I a random smattering of continuously altered star manufactured material - simply an unlikely accident which happens to be consumed with its own importance. Why does it make sense to believe that my very own particular microspeck of cosmic trash that happens to exist at this time in this place fits into some narrative that makes sense to try to tell? Perhaps a failed Seroquel dream is simply a more accurate reflection of being. And that's how I narrative myself back into a story of a legitimate human experience with a basic grasp of high school science. Take that Serorquel. ",Bipolar +46172,"I don't think I am ready to go back to work. I used to be diagnosed with bipolar, but it turns out I'm not. This, however, is the most helpful mental health sub, so I'm going to post it here. + +I have very severe depression. I have been hospitalized twice, last time was two weeks in February. I get SSDI. + +I am not good at understanding myself and I told vocational rehabilitation I was ready to go back with my Ticket to Work. I'm not ready. I'm an idiot. What do I do? I have a meeting scheduled with a ""job developer"" at the end of the month who is going to help me get in the work force.",Bipolar +46173,"BP ladies, has your cycle exaggerated your episodes? I feel like my birth control is helping with my episodes. My pms was SO much worse in conjunction with my BP. Has anyone else experienced this? I started Yaz last month and this month has been a breeze compared to previous months. I still have episodes unrelated to my cycle, but they aren't irritated like before. ",Bipolar +46174,"I slept through the whole night! Wow, it's been a long time since that happened. Lately it's been more like a couple of hours of continous sleep. Maybe today will be a good day?",Bipolar +46175,"Can you relate to this type of psychosis/paranoia? +I have BPD (borderline) and OCD. I also think I have some bipolar symptoms although I'm not attempting a self diagnosis or asking for one, I'm just curious if people here can relate to these experiences. +I'm 21 now, and when I was 14 while being hospitalized I went through a time for months - years where I was convinced I would be some sort of Steve Jobs/Elon Musk type figure. I'm pretty sure I was manic/experienced grandiose delusions. I can see this now, but sometimes still have these kind of experiences, it's like I'm looking for the ""ultimate purpose"", or ""meaning to my existence"" and it feels pretty great when I feel like I've found it for a bit but it doesn't stay that way consistently. Idk how to describe it exactly but kind of like there's a missing puzzle piece, sometimes I think I've found it and feel very driven, other times it feels like the puzzle is in disarray. Also I'm curious to hear from anyone who knows what it's like to dissociate, sometimes when I dissociate I'm just completely numb, but other times I think there's hints of mania... where I'm stuck in my head/dissociated but planning and ruminating frantically at the same time. +Also things like lack of sleep/drugs/stress often give me extreme paranoia, normally not lasting long (but sometimes months). I was concerned at one point that I might have been part of a government mind control/illuminati thing(and I'm still not completely sure I'm not). I've only once had an experience that I guess is a more obvious break from reality, where I heard voices mocking me.. +Thanks if anyone took the time to read, would like to hear thoughts",Bipolar +46176,"This seroquel withdrawal sucks Problems sleeping even with trazodone, nausea anytime I try to eat or drink even the littlest things, no appetite, depression is coming back with a vengeance. I emailed my pdoc, hopefully I hear back tomorrow. I need something for the nausea at the very least. I can't get my latuda calories down without wanting to throw up. I haven't had a full meal in days. I feel awful. Please don't let this last much longer or please let me go back on seroquel. I'll deal with the weight gain if it means I feel ok. Please please let this all stop and let me feel like a person again.",Bipolar +46177,"Mental/emotional pain What do you do when you feel a lot of mental/emotional pain? I'm talking about something different than depression, just talking about overall mental or psychological suffering, like having too much anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. It's an almost indescribable type of anguish for me. I feel this way sometimes and don't know how to overcome it.",Bipolar +46178,"Bipolar and different perspectives? Hi everyone. I’ve been a lurker for a long time. I’ve tried to read through the subreddit and the internet to find other stories that relate to me, but I can’t seem to find it. So here it goes! + +Background: I’m a 20 year old male college student diagnosed with MDD in Feb 2017, which transformed to a Bipolar2 diagnosis in Nov 2017. I’ve been on Lithium and Wellbutrin, adjusting dosages according to my psychiatrist. However things got rough ever since October since my insurance ran out so I haven’t been taking a steady dose of Lithium since (dw my insurance is now reinstated and I can’t wait to be stable wooo!) + +Sorry had to get that aside. So sometimes when I notice myself being either depressed, hypomania, or in a mixed state, I can’t help but doubt my perspective on life. Sometimes my views on religion, family, self-worth, body positivity, and other thoughts change so frequently that I can’t tell if it’s my bipolar influencing my thoughts or if I’m experiencing life changes. + +I’ve been doubting and question my religion (islam btw), sometimes feeling so distant. And then all of a sudden, I’ll enjoy praying and I feel so connected to God. Imagine a twist on a perspective like this but also to weed, alcohol, body image, etc. That’s been happening quite a bit. + +A question for you all: have you guys ever questioned your perspective on life and doubt it being an effect of Bipolar? Sometimes I don’t know if this is who I am NOW, or if it’ll change in a few days/weeks. It really makes it hard for me to be grounded in my beliefs and have a steady outlook on life. I always think my values on life are changing because I’m growing as an individual, but what if it’s Bipolar? I would really appreciate it if I could hear any similar stories, updates, or comments where anyone could relate to this feeling. Sometimes I feel so lost because I’m sick of analyzing my thoughts and feelings 24/7 and comparing it to my previous feelings “x days or weeks ago”, and finally trying to see where and who I am today. + +TL;DR — Bipolar 2, 20 year old college guy trying to figure out if these different perspectives on life I’m having are due to bipolar or are natural? How do you distinguish what’s grounded and what’s bound to change?",Bipolar +46179,"2019 resolution: be S.T.A.B.L.E. Hey friends! We made it through another year. I’m really proud of us. + +I’ve officially made it past the one year mark of my major manic episode post diagnosis. 2018 was really hard as I was in a depressive episode and had to work through medication and side effects for the first six months. + +I started a new job in September and started taking improv classes in May. Things are finally at a relatively calm place—for the first time since my husband and I got married in 20-5, it looks like we might have a nice quiet year without any major life changes (that happened to me in prediagnosis manic episodes) + +We know that stability is never guaranteed. My goal this year is to do everything in my power to stay stable, and be able to steer through an episode if/when one comes up. So, what does stable mean to me? + +S: Sleep. 8-10 hours, one hour without electronics, in bed by 10:30, out of bed by 7:30 +T: Therapy. Going to personal and couples therapy, meditation, journaling, being kind to myself through self talk. +A: Activity. Working out consistently, more walking and biking as transport, being outside more +B: Balance. Work vs life, alone vs social, self care vs being productive, comfort vs growth +L: Learning- less tv, more books and hobbies. More improv! +E: Eat healthy, drink water, take meds and vitamins + +It’s a tall order. I’m probably not going to be able do to all the things all the time, but it’s easy for me to remember and my ultimate goal is to be healthy. What about you?",Bipolar +46180,"Enjoy life with this one weird trick. Yes, you are bipolar--or maybe you are the SO of a bipolar person. + +Here is one trick that will make 2019 better than any other year has been. + +Quit your addictions. + +Whether it's video games, Netflix, gambling, sex, impulse shopping--quit the things that every other person in your life is telling you to cut back on. + +You know it is holding you back. You know you overindulge in it. + +I am writing this because I am the expert at overindulging. I've probably spent 10,000+ hours or more on video games. + +If something is stopping you from maintaining relationships and pursuing your goals, get rid of it. Burn it at the stake and pour the ashes in the ocean. + +Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. ",Bipolar +46181,"How do people make friends? Seriously, how? I never learned how as a kid and only did it as an adult through drugs or psych hospitalizations. I have no friends. I'm thinking of starting group therapy, or joining a support group but my social skills are shit, I'm painfully shy and have terrible social anxiety. I can kind of make friends but ai can never keep them. The few I made always pursued me. I'm so insecure I can't approach people or when I do it borders on harassment and stalking.. Anyway, how the fuck do I make friends? I need serious answers. :/",Bipolar +46182,"Things don’t feel quite real. I sometimes get into these “fogs” of feeling like my life isn’t mine or that it’s all not real. I have a cold and my partner just handed me Nyquil to take before bed, it felt like the pills crumbled or disintegrated in my hands for a split second, I’ve seen/felt this before in the car when I look at building or the road sometimes for a split second it looks like the buildings or the the world around me crumbles/disintegrates kind of like the movie Inception if that make sense. I’ve been in a mixed episode for almost 5 months and keep get snip bits of this feeling. Last year my sister in law essentially took my personal experiences having Bipolar and claiming it as their own experience (observed from their many behaviors this person shows symptoms of BPD and factitious disorder) this kind of fucked with my head a bit. I am someone who constantly tries to make themselves feel guilty, I obsess, and try to convince myself my problems aren’t as bad as they seem because I don’t want to come off as pretentious or as a victim; recently I shared with extended in laws that I have bipolar in the context of the conversation we were having, one of them was a social worker and I had a lovely conservation with her about it that made me feel open and comfortable. However in sharing this I feel like I am coming off as though I’m victimizing myself or trying to gain sympathy(even though that wasn’t my intention). This is making me feel like my experiences aren’t real and that I’m just pretending to even though I know what my life has been from my memories; but I keep questioning if they are real? I keep questioning if anything is real. And I’m kind of terrified. It isn’t that extreme but maybe it will get worse I don’t know I’m very confused... anyone ever experience this?",Bipolar +46183,"Latuda/Antipsychotics and antidepressants? Is it possible to mix antipsychotics with antidepressants? I take latuda right now and it's made manic episodes go away completely, but I still struggle with depression. My mom takes zoloft for depression and it works really well for her but she isn't bipolar. I was wondering if it's worth bringing up to my psychiatrist about taking latuda and zoloft, or if it will just cause mania? Does anyone have experience with mixing them?",Bipolar +46184,"Ruminating thought lead me to burning bridges. not sure if I did it for them or me... Communication has been difficult for me, it like I get to the first or second chapter of my story before getting cut off. instead of cutting myself again over the pain, I've cut ties. and stressed others. It's time for change. just not sure how much more or where... ",Bipolar +46185,"Happy New Year! Here's my Resolution I want to notice the times when I am alright. Really notice them, stop to think ""hey my mood is okay right now, I'm not anxious, and I'm safe."" Taking a moment to just feel my body and appreciate my surroundings. + +This has been so helpful to me lately. I'm climbing out of a small depression caused by a medication problem (lithium level got a bit low while tapering off another med). I'm also kind of stressed out by some life stuff outside of my control, it's not terrible more just annoying but I don't like it. I kind of have to realize something always comes up. There are no perfect stretches of time where work isn't stressful, a social situation isn't stressful, etc. But I have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, and love ones around me. **I want to notice that it's okay right now.** + +There are three times when a potentially bad thing can hurt you. You can get anxious before it happens (if it happens). You can have it happen. And then you can ruminate and dwell on it. I know I can't always control what happens to me, but I do want to get better at reducing anxiety and rumination. When I think back on events I want to tell myself a story that is neutral, not one that makes it worse. I don't want to invent problems or spin existing problems out of control. It's hard, but these two things are my mental health resolutions for 2019. **I want to appreciate the good moments, and I want to do my best to ensure that bad ones only hurt me once.** + +Disclaimer - I'm talking about my own anxiety and rumination over small problems, this isn't meant to dismiss traumatic events that you will naturally feel a lot of anxiety around and ruminate about. Terrible and traumatic things happen. This is more about not spending the entire day worrying about something inconsequential. ",Bipolar +46186,"Depakote v Lamictal Two anticonvulsants, two lists of scary or unpleasant side effects, one sad man looking for relief. + +Lamictal has generally been great to me, but I think it might not be working anymore and increasing the dose makes me dumb as a post and a goldfish in terms of memory. + +Are similar things to be expected with depakote? I've heard about the weight gain but that's a gamble with 80% of these damn drugs. Is the relief comparable? It seems like L for me at least shortens depressive episodes, but does fuck-all to lessen the fall.",Bipolar +46187,"Seroquel side effects I was recently put onto seroquel (quetiapine in the UK) and about an hour after taking it, I have trouble with my balance and my speech becomes slurred. Only for an hour or so, but still off-putting. + +Anyone else experienced this?",Bipolar +46188,"Disgust with partner during depressive episode We all know the pattern: infatuation with new s.o. Then a few months later when depression kicks in they become the most annoying disgusting person. I'm aware it's the illness and it will pass, but once those thoughts are formed, the magic of the relationship is gone and I'm back to believing that I'm better off alone. It's too much work to push through the depressive period trying to make myself feel better and get out of the mood but also to convince my partner that it's all ok and I still like them. I simply want to be alone when I am depressed and it's annoying and a huge turn off to have to validate a partner when I am fighting tooth and nail not to jump off a bridge from the depression. Please talk some sense into me or tell me how you cope when this happens! ",Bipolar +46189,"Over the holidays I realized I’ve officially pushed everyone out of my life / they’ve given up trying to maintain a relationship with me. This was the first year I didn’t get a single text for Christmas or New Years aside from my mom, sister, and one aunt. Added to the funk I was already in because of the holidays. I’m so glad they’re over. ",Bipolar +46190,"Hello. Hi I'm new here. Been lurking for awhile. There's something on my mind that's bugging me. Idk if I should believe and apply all the things I've read in this sub. Part of me wants to think that some of the posters here are just trolls. Idk, just passing by. Maybe I'll open up and post about my experiences over time. Anyways, thank you for reading and thank you for this sub. I'm sorry for taking your time",Bipolar +46191,"Slowly getting worse, idk what to do Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, I just need advice on what to do, my mental health is rapidly declining even with medication, most likely due to the severe toxic environment/relationship I'm in with my partner. I'm 26 and I dont know how to leave (we are on a lease together) or where to go. My parents live in town and say I can come live with them again but they are toxic in their own way, as much as I love them. + +I dont have any close friends who I could get a place with and I'm pretty much broke, even though I'm on disability for mental health reasons. I wouldn't be able to afford my own place unless I went the sect 8 route, which I dont think I can due to the waiting list in my area being over a 2 year wait. + +I've spoken to my therapist about all this and she never really has any solid advice other than ""you have to do what's best for you"" and I'm at the end of my fucking rope I just need some direction on what to do, anything would be helpful. I'm trying my best but damn.",Bipolar +46192,"Wishing you all a better year this year than the last! I hate saying 'Happy New Year' it seems kinda trite, but I'm sending good vibes and luck to you all.",Bipolar +46193,Accidentally double dosed on Lamictal? I am on 250mg per day of Lamictal for Bipolar 2. I thought I missed the dose I was supposed to take 12 hours ago so I took it now but I think I actually did take it this morning. Should I be worried? What should I do? ,Bipolar +46194,"Help connecting with a friend Kindly direct me elsewhere if this is not an appropriate space to ask questions. I have a buddy of five years that our friend group and I are struggling to connect with. They are bipolar2, so they have their ups and downs over time. All around we enjoy their company, they're a lot of fun to hang with, but this past year they've become kind of withdrawn and even aggressive. They'll stress that they haven't spent time with anyone in a while, but when we make plans they will either insist we have to do it some other time (without even giving when they are available!) or complain when they do spend time with us. + +I worry a lot about how much they've withdrawn, I think it's taking a negative affect on their health, however I've become frustrated with how they've been treating my friends and I. I want to be mindful in approaching this, and supportive. Wondering how to help them get out more, and perhaps also discuss how their communication has become off putting and discouraging. Any advice or insight is appreciated ",Bipolar +46195,"Vivid Nightmares I’ve had bad dreams since I can remember. I have journals from when I was 8 describing my nightmares. Consistently 5 nights out of the week. They flare and will be worse sometimes. Lately, the past few weeks, they’ve become unbearable. Screaming in my sleep, waking up crying or hyperventilating. More concerning, I often have 3-5 min upon waking where I do not realize I’m awake and I feel that it is very real and absolutely what is happening. + +I had a bout of post partum depression early in the year but have adjusted my meds and my day to day has been overall much better. Obviously, the holidays are stressful for most but I feel that I handled it normally. I am terrified to fall asleep at night. I usually take sleeping medicine and have found they are absolutely worse when I do not take it. I figured out it’s not as bad when I take my lamictal in the morning; but never the less, they come every night. + +Obviously, this is part of my life that I can’t seem to shake, but I can’t understand why it’s been SO much worse lately. My question: do you have constant nightmares? Does this just come with the illness? Is it my anxiety dragging into the night? Is there ANYTHING I can do? + +Meds: Lamictal (13 yrs) Xanax (10 yrs as needed, haven’t taken in a month) Ambien (10 yrs) Vyvanse (5 months) + +",Bipolar +46196,recommended English speaking doctor (psychiatrist?) in Tokyo hello...does anyone would recommend an English speaking doctor (psychiatrist?) in Tokyo (preferably around Setagaya ku) to do a diagnostic? I suspect a bipolar disorder but since I am not a doctor I want to get some contact where I can initiate the process. Thank you,Bipolar +46197,"Seeking advice on a close friend who is having her first episodes. I've got a very close family friend who seems to be experiencing her first experiences with bipolar. Her mother was diagnosed bipolar. My friend has had what clearly seem to be manic episodes with full-on hallucinations as well as very depressive episodes. She believes that her hallucinations are her having a spiritual experience. Even when she is depressed, she thinks she is being punished for her behavior. She thinks the truth of the world is being revealed to her. + +&#x200B; + +We've been talking to her family and they are afraid to take her to the hospital against her will. The problem is that she is convinced that she is right and everyone is conspiring against her to label her as sick and that they just want to give her drugs to kill her. + +&#x200B; + +What are the other options available to her and her family? Are psychiatrists available for in-home care or diagnosis? How can she get help when she refuses to believe that she has a problem? I'm scared for her safety because her depression gets extremely severe. She thinks that a mass shooting happed because she went out to a club one night. She thinks her small behaviors put peoples lives at risk. She hasn't admitted to being suicidal but I know that there's a strong link between this condition and suicide attempts and it seems like a bad idea to wait for it to get to that point. + +&#x200B; + +We tried to wait it out for a while to see if her episodes would let up temporarily enough for her to see that she needs help but she seems to go straight from manic to depressed and back without any break. Or, if there is a break it doesn't seem to matter because she thinks everything she's experienced is real and that we can't see the truth. The only time she said she wanted help, she meant help in finding someone who will validate her hallucinations. + +&#x200B; + +My family and hers aren't sure what to do but she clearly needs help. Any suggestions or resources you might have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!",Bipolar +46198,"Grieving what my life could have been It's been about a year since I was diagnosed (type 2), and my therapist says I'm still in denial that I actually have bipolar disorder. I guess she's right. In a way, I guess I'm grieving over what I thought my life could've been: stable, connected to others, and successful. I'm stuck in a mindset where I feel like my symptoms are only in my head and if I stop taking my meds and going to therapy, everything will go back to normal--no more suicidal thoughts/attempts and hypomania. Yet, if roles were reversed and a friend were telling me this, I'd tell them to keep taking their meds and going to therapy and move on with their life. + +I know this is just whining, but to be honest, I just don't want to have bipolar disorder. I've realized how serious bipolar disorder is and I don't want to deal with the stigma and the risks/uncertainty and the work involved. I don't want to keep having to disclose this loved ones. I don't want the decreased lifespan from being likely to commit suicide. I don't want the reckless decisions that come with mania and mixed states. I don't want any of this. + +Has anyone else experienced these feelings? How do I accept my condition so I can move on with my life?",Bipolar +46199,"Currently obsessing over an ex I’m currently obsessing over an ex. It’s crazy because for the most part I am happily married. We broke up 14 years ago, when He moved and I decided to end our relationship. I’ve also been staying with my mom and helping out with my dad while she’s on vacation. I’m struggling and I miss my husband. I’ll be back home in a week and it can’t come soon enough! Does anyone else struggle with obsessive thoughts. I hate this.",Bipolar +46200,"Finding natural alternative to klonopin for sleep I’ve been prescribed 1 mg of klonopin for sleep for the past five or so months. It works well compared to ambien, but I moved to another state and haven’t been able to find a psychiatrist under my network. I’m running low on my prescription from my old psychiatrist and fear another manic episode may occur if I don’t get enough sleep. I’m thinking of weaning off what I have left to prep for this.",Bipolar +46201,"I want to live! I'll be 29 in a couple of days and I'm actually surprised that I'm getting so old. + +My depression is getting worse and often enough I've been thinking about suicide, BUT I do not want to and will not give up! + +I want to live!",Bipolar +46202,"Being dragged into the upside-down Every fall i get dragged into the upside-down, that dark damn place from strangerthings . Im always stuck there till spring. I know that sounds like a gross exaggeration but its not as much of a strech as the normies would assume. I feel so alone and everything is darker. Even visually, i see more shadows than are really there. And the demi-gorgon is always just around the corner, not a real one but a metaphorical one that represents deep anxiety. + +- + +This year i promised myself i wouldnt let it happen again. I telling people i needed help but they didnt really seem to get it. I started asked for small accommodations in august but i didnt get any of what i needed till late December. Its too late now, im stuck in the upside-down for another season because people thinks i was just complaining about the winter blues. + +- + +The lithium really takes the edge off. I dont think ill have to spend next winter in the upside-down. I just wish i was taken seriously.",Bipolar +46203,"Addictions and how the heck to quit A little background about myself. My name is Michael. I am 28 years old and live in the USA. I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 8 months but lord knows ive been bipolar all my life. I have 2 addictions, they are video games and weed. They basically run my life. I have friends who do them but they aren't addicted, they're functioning adults even though they smoke and/or play video games. Some thoughts on this; What is the cycle of addiction and bipolar? Maybe it is that at some point in the cycle, you need help mentally, like anything to feel good because you're in the depressive part of the cycle, or maybe you're in the manic part and HAVE to do something ""cool"" and ""fun"" so either way you go to your addiction, your life force, what keeps you here. Then because of this and through this, you're addicted to something. + +&#x200B; + +But like, so what? I'm just speaking out loud here, but I love my addictions. I don't want to quit them. I play league of legends, and smoke weed. I love doing it. Am I really happy while doing those two things? Deep down, I know the answer is ""not really"", BUT AT LEAST I am not drowning in despair. My addictions keep me from going over the deep end, they are what make life ""okay"". Isn't it acceptable to use these things for my own benefit? + +&#x200B; + +However this brings me to my next thought. Do I over-use them? I play league for like, 7 hours a day on average. I smoke CONSTANTLY. I'm high right now as I type this. At work. Was late because I woke and toked, played League for 2 hours, THEN came to work. My boss isn't happy with me. My addictions are a hindrance to my life, as you can see. + +&#x200B; + +Are video games and weed ruining my life? Probably. Will I regret it someday? I already do, and will probably continue to further regret they're use as I get older. But they're also saving me. + +&#x200B; + +Therefore I, like any other addict out there, don't know what to do. + +&#x200B; + +If I decide to quit. + +1. Will life be bleak and dull or will it refill itself with other things? + +2. Will I just find a new addiction? I heard it's impossible to ""quit"" addictions, one has to REPLACE addictions. + +3. When I am drowning in bipolar, which is often, what do I use as a crutch instead of my addictions. I use video and games to ESCAPE! I escape from reality all the time because it is so vicious for me because I am bipolar. I see the world as hell, everything is horrible because I am depressed. When I am in this place, and I need to run away and can't use my addictions anymore, what do I do? That is the time when I would relapse, not knowing what to do but needing something to help me escape my problems. + +&#x200B; + +4. What about quitting addictions would improve my life? + +I look at this as a cost/benefit ratio question. Simply put; is the cost of quitting my addictions worth all the work it will be? I will be missing out 100% on the things that I ""love"", being League of Legends and marijuana, and I will have to put in a lot of work finding new things to spend my life doing. And I probably wont find them as much fun as my addictions! Fuck that man, why the hell should I quit? What makes it worth it? I can't find an answer man. ",Bipolar +46204,"I never really write creative stuff because I have an expressive language disorder, but I tried writing a poem about mania + +From the depths comes a glimmer + + +Intoxicating, yet foreboding + + +It takes hold, thrusts you from the deep + + +Brings you to the sky to see all that lies below + + +All that has been missing + + +Feelings are blessed, colors are sacred + + +The fire is painful and beautiful + + +It’s too much + + +It’s interminable + + +As the flames spread you want nothing but peace + + +A return to the earth",Bipolar +46205,"Great, drug prices go up I saw on the news that drug prices are going up including generics. Boo! ",Bipolar +46206,"Happy New Years!!! Wow. I can't believe the way this year is beginning for me so far, and I'm hoping many of you are thinking the same. We might be naively optimistic, but I'm not lying when I say things are looking pretty good for me right now. + +So, I'm asking you guys... do any of you have any resolutions, plans, hopes, desires for the new year? Personal, social, political, global? Just what WILL this year be? + +And make sure we talk about how we will manage to stay healthy this year. Because we will.",Bipolar +46207,"Productivity and decision making when hypomanic. What helps maintain a semblance of productivity when you are hypomanic, how do you stop doing half jobs/ getting distracted? + +Also, what helps you with making day to day decisions? I sometimes spend hours doing the grocery shopping because every item I weigh up whether cost, nutrition, or other reasons are the most important. ",Bipolar +46208,How did you know it was time to seek inpatient care? [CW suicidal ideation] I’m in the pits. This has been the hardest month I’ve had in years. The intrusive thoughts are occurring regularly and I’ve started disassociating occasionally. But I don’t want to take someone else’s space in the hospital if my case isn’t as bad. I don’t know. I’m all over the fucking place. ,Bipolar +46209,"How FMT cured my Bipolar 1 Disorder (fecal microbiota transplant) Hi all. I experimented with home FMT under the guidance of my excellent psychiatrist. It was a phenomenal success. After 18 years of hell: continuous unrelenting and completely debilitating depression, interdispersed with frequent psychotic/ manic episodes. I had been hospitalised over a dozen times and had extremely low functionality. Then in November 2016 I started home FMT. No improvement for 3 months, then I experienced an exponential decrease in all my symptoms. Within 6 months I was 100% symptom free, and was so well my psychiatrist agreed to take me off all medication. That was 14 months ago and I'm still 100% symptom free. No depression in any level for 19 months, no mania for 14 months. My intense anxiety and social phobia has completely disappeared. My stress tolerance is still increasing. I am now a highly functioning completely well person. It was miraculous. There is currently a clinical trial underway in Canada headed by Dr Valerie Taylor of the Womens College Hospital trialling FMT for bipolar depression. My psychiatrist is soon to write my case study up in the Australian New Zealand journal of psychiatry and ill soon be featured in a feature length documentary. Here is a link to my story on Australian National TV. since then (June 2017) I've also been able to lose 18kgs. The weight was a side effect of the anti psychotics I was on which I am gratefully no longer on. Targeting the microbiome to treat mood disorders is the medicine of the future... the near future. https://youtu.be/GMjy5yEhZ5Q",Bipolar +46210,"20 days. My birthday is in 20 days and I'll be turning 21. I absolutely dread the day. I have no plan for my life, my meds aren't working, and everyone keeps telling me to push on and keep fighting. I'm just so tired of fighting though. My mom tells me things will get better but I just don't see it happening. Anytime I pick myself up and get better and I eventually fall even lower than the last time. I tell her what happens when I'm 50? 60? I'll still have to get up in the morning and take medicines I hate and live my life as a lie to stop everyone around me from feeling bad. I know I should check into a hospital at some point but now isn't the right time so I'll just continue to be a sad loser. ",Bipolar +46211,"I’m becoming hopeless Everytime my pdoc prescribes me a new med I immediately get online to see what side effects are the most common for a lot of people, if they liked it, how long it took to work, etc. I know it’s anecdotal information but it eases my anxiety about new meds. + +And everytime I look there are people who say it doesn’t work, it made things worse, but then there are also a lot of people that say it’s their miracle drug and it gave them their life back. + +I know everyone is different and it takes time to find the right combo of meds but I’m so tired of getting my hopes up thinking “maybe this time this one will work” and so far it never has. + +People sing praises for Lamictal from the mountain tops and I’ve been on it for months and the only effect it’s had is making me stupid. Rexulti made my existing sleep problems worse and unbearable hand tremors. SSRI’s didn’t work for obvious reasons. Latuda made me hypomanic. + +I’ve been on 450mg of Wellbutrin daily for three years and it doesn’t even keep me afloat anymore. I want to die every day and everything makes me cry. + +So now I’m on Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and I’m starting lithium but I don’t want to take it in the first place because I doubt it’ll work and it’s incredibly high maintenance compared to every other option It seems. + +But I’m taking it. Because I have to. And it’s not going to work again just like nothing else has. I’m going to be anxious and suicidal until I die which might be sooner rather than later if I can never find any reprieve from this awful disease + +",Bipolar +46212,"I CAN'T. STOP. MASTURBATING. I'm wasting so much time on this and it's really cutting into important things + +I just went two hours and bled, y'all. I'm sure I'll come back to it in several hours :(",Bipolar +46213,"Affording Meds Yet again I’m in the position where I can’t afford my meds. I’m on Invega and it’ll be over $1000 to fill this months prescription. Nothing else works as well. I go completely nuts and end up in the psych ward if I don’t take it. I really want to take it. I don’t know where the money for it will come from. + +I’m so sick of this happening over and over again.",Bipolar +46214,"Antipsychs and binge eating?? Seroquel and now Abilify, which I take before bedtime. Is this just me or does everyone get intense munchies from these types of meds? Does anything help to decrease the urge to eat a billion chips and crackers at night once they start kicking in? I would like to not have to choose between being stable or wearing only spandex and capes from now on. ",Bipolar +46215,"We just made a website for free advice! Hello everyone, we are a small team of individuals offering free help. + +Check us out. + +&#x200B; + +[https://positivetalk.godaddysites.com/](https://positivetalk.godaddysites.com/)",Bipolar +46216,"I feel euphoria. I was diagnosed BP1 almost 10 years ago but if you go through my comment history you can see some of my backstory with this disorder. + +Since November I have spent almost every moment outside of class and work in my room. I stopped reaching out to friends and would just lay in my bed trying to drown my life out with movies. I’d go to bed at 7pm every night and just wake up early just so I had more time awake to lay in bed and do nothing. I was doing great at work and finished my semester strong but it took the life out of me basically. + +New Years Eve I finally decided to go out with friends after not drinking since October. (I wasn’t drinking on purpose because of my depressed mood). I didn’t over do it but I was definitely drunk and didn’t get home til 4am. + +The next morning I woke up around 11 and it was like a switch was flipped. Instead of wanting to be sedentary in my room all day I suddenly couldn’t sit still and had motivation and energy. That night I couldn’t get to sleep until after 3am and had racing thoughts all night. I didn’t feel terrible though thankfully, just restless. + +This isn’t my first rodeo so I picked up the signs that I’m going into an up swing and notified my doctor and preemptively took an extra dose of my antipsychotic (I’m allowed to add doses as needed) and took a small dose of Ativan (.25mg). + +Today i haven’t taken any extra doses but man do I feel incredible. Not out of control though by any means. I won’t let it get that far. But I went months living like an empty shell and now I feel a fire in my soul. + +I’m going on an overnight trip with a female friend from school tonight. Wish me luck guys. ",Bipolar +46217,"Does anyone have a sudden problem with worrying about what to do with their time, or worrying about time, and how much there is, in general? I'm struggling greatly with anxiety over time itself. I'm coming out of a manic episode. Before and during the episode, I had no problem getting up early, because I didn't worry about what to do with my time and any extra time. Now I have overwhelming dread over time, as if I had something very specific and difficult to worry about, but its just simply the passage of time. It feels like I'm in jail, although I don't know what that is actually like. Can anyone else relate to this?",Bipolar +46218,diagnosed later in life Has anyone else been diagnosed bipolar after the age of 35?,Bipolar +46219,"Adderall combating the negative sides of lamictal. Lamictal was causing me to sleep all day and be a lazy slum who sat on his phone all day and didnt have any motivation to engage in productive activities (as seen in my recent post). But I was sane and safe so it needed to be this way. + +I've convinced my doc to give me an adderall script because im genuinely afraid that my lamictal brain is not adequate for passing my January exams. + +Adderall is making me sleep 6 hours a night which makes me feel amazing. I used to sleep 6 hours back before I was medicated, and it feels just so fucking good. for some reason, the less I sleep, the better I feel. I haven't felt this fucking energized in a while. I only took 20mg 2 days ago, and 10mg yesterday. + +Im making this post because: + +1) I was wondering if any of you have a similar situation where less sleep makes you feel better? And if you have any similar medication history and if you can provide any insight into this situation to me? How did these realizations help you and what were your next steps? + +2) If I told my doctor that adderall was making me sleep less, would she take it away from me? I only take it to study, but I fucking love sleeping 6 hours. I felt well rested when I woke up today for the first time in like 6 months. Im wondering if I can tell her this information or if she would be worried about it triggering mania. She mentioned to me that she wanted to do a ""sleep test"" on me. + +thanks for reading, any input is appreciated.",Bipolar +46220,Wish I had someone to talk to who just got it I’ve just come down from a really terrible manic episode where I was almost hospitalized. Unfortunately it happened in front of my friends. And while they’re all here for me and want to support me (and I love and appreciate them so much for it) it’s hard because I just don’t quite get how to make them understand this feeling ,Bipolar +46221,otc lithium vs carbonate have you noticed a huge difference between over the counter lithium that is low dosage (5mg) vs lithium carbonate which is prescribed at higher dosages like 800mg..,Bipolar +46222,"Vitamin D and B-12 Deficiency Sorry about lack of clarity, I’m not exactly sure how to phrase this because I’m confused myself, and I am on mobile. + +I sought out treatment after I was having some pretty concerning suicidal thoughts the past year. + +I reached out the a therapist at my University, and immediately was referred to a psychiatrist under the guise of maybe benefitting from mood stabilizers. + +Before my psychiatry appointment, I researched into mood stabilizers and saw they were used in treating bipolar. Read up on bipolar and really identified/ understood why she would recommend me to the psychiatrist assuming she thought I could have bipolar. + +Met with the psychiatrist, and not to my surprise she said she was sure I was bipolar. However she wanted me to get bloodwork before starting me on lithium to see my levels in various things. She said she was going to diagnose me official with unspecified mood disorder until she saw my results regarding my thyroid. + +I was pretty bummed hearing this news, she essentially told me I had bipolar disorder but lacked whether it was I or II, so I still felt lost but like I was on the right track. + +Well, my blood work came back and everything was normal except I had extremely low vitamin D and B-12. My psychiatrist called me and gave me dosage for otc vitamins. I read into the situation wrong and assumed she was just reducing my issues down to deficiencies. + +I know these two deficiencies do not explain mania. Maybe vitamin D explains psychosis, but I don’t experience this. I felt like everyone was so sure I was bipolar and led me on to thinking I had a solution, and I think this issue runs deeper than just supplements. + +I know many mental illnesses have links to vitamin deficiencies, and I guess my confusion comes from whether or not anyone else experienced this along with being bipolar. I have an appointment on Thursday, first one since bloodwork, and was wondering if I should mention the bipolar diagnosis if she doesn’t. + +TLDR; is my doctor reducing her diagnosis to needing vitamin d and b-12? Can this and bipolar coincide? ",Bipolar +46223,How often do other Cyclothymics switch between the phases? I want to know how long each state usually lasts for you or what time or thing typically triggers you to switch. For me I can’t even tell yet I was only recently diagnosed and I am learning myself.,Bipolar +46224,"Latuda side effects My doctor increased my Latuda to 80 mg. Since then, I've been getting drowsiness spells. I'm not sleepy per se. It feels like I'm paralyzed. I get super anxious. Can't sleep but can't function either. I can't drive. It needs to be taken with food. Ive been trying to take it with dinner but then I'm useless at home. +Does anyone else have this side effect or something like it? ",Bipolar +46225,"I slept through the daylight. I woke up at midnight last night and couldn't sleep till ~8. +Once I fell asleep, I stayed asleep until around 20 minutes ago (EST). I completely slept through the sunlight. I'm struggling to get on a regular schedule, I guess I'm depressed. I really have no clue how to get out of this funk, I take my medicine, I have sleep medication, and I have morning classes starting in three days. + +I'm losing my mind here. Please give suggestions. ",Bipolar +46226,"Jumped from stairs and sprained my ankle after many weeks of depression i ""finally"" got my manic episode today, when leaving school i though it would be great idea to jump from this high and long stairs so i would be home sooner. My plan went wrong and i fell straight on the ground. Nothing hurt me (at that moment) so i went happily home, after 30 minutes i noticed my right leg is bigger than my left (was pretty funny to me), fast forward i ended in hospital with pretty bad sprained ankle and for next month i will need crutches.",Bipolar +46227,Question for Daylio users Is buying the premium app worth it? Right now the app doesn't seem to do enough to warrant paying for it. Is the premium version that much better?,Bipolar +46228,"The mood tracker Dalio is getting a lot of love over at r/dataisbeautiful. Link to post included in the comments below. The mood tracker Dalio is getting a lot of love over at r/dataisbeautiful. I've linked to [one of the positive reviews] but the entire thread is worth skimming. The data presented is also interesting. + +As an aside I agree with Liz Millar (a doctor who suffered from bipolar disorder and wrote a book on mood tracking) that an additional axis giving energy levels would be useful. + +Feel free to comment. What is your favorite mood tracker? What features do you look for and how could they be improved? + +",Bipolar +46229,"Bipolar documentary and how it made me feel I just finished watching a documentary about Mauro Ranallo called Bipolar Rock N Roller. For anyone who doesn’t know, Mauro is an insanely successful play-by-play announcer and has called some of the biggest fights in boxing, kickboxing, MMA, and professional wrestling. The documentary is a brutally honest look at his life and struggles with bipolar disorder. + +I also work in broadcasting (radio) and the documentary hit me pretty hard. Hearing him talk about everything and seeing the things he’s gone through (and still goes through) was a little weird for me because I kept saying over and over, “That’s me. I do that. That happens to me, too.” It was a relief in a way because it was a reminder that I’m not the only one, but it was also uncomfortable to watch at times because I felt like I was watching myself. I can’t tell if I feel better or worse after seeing it. + +Has anyone else ever watched something like this and felt that way? Has a movie or documentary about bipolar disorder ever made you uncomfortable or even triggered an episode? Also, does anyone have any recommendations for similar documentaries or specials? Thanks. +",Bipolar +46230,"On Therapy My therapist is very talented. In fact, she was booked for the entire month of December and for all but the last week of this month. That means it'll be almost two months between appointments, when I'm used to seeing her twice a month. This has never happened in our quite lengthy time together, and I'm scheduled through March from here on out. + +Therapy is an interesting thing for me. Because I come from a very traumatic background, therapy has been a godsend for PTSD-related issues. What I'd never noticed before, though, is how much it helps me regulate my mood in between sessions. Knowing I'll have someone to help me sort through random thoughts and make sense of any major shifts or psychotic issues allows me to keep the jumble in the background. It's like static; I can tolerate the static when I know there will eventually be someone who can help me understand how the radio works. (bad example but best I can do.) + +My therapist, pdoc, and I constantly assess whether therapy is beneficial to me, because it has been ongoing for quite some time. We were all of the understanding that, yes, in fact, I get a great deal of benefit from therapy. Now I'm one month into not having therapy, and things are falling absolutely apart. Suspicion confirmed. + +I will go on through this month doing the best I can, and I will try not to break any more aspects of life. Then, I will spend a couple of sessions picking up the pieces and hoping this sort of break in our therapy journey does not happen again anytime soon.",Bipolar +46231,"How much value do you place on having sex? I've been realizing that my hyper sexuality has affected how much value I put on having sex. When I was growing up I used to put so much priority on having sex. It would constantly be on my mind and I would feel like I was missing out on such a massive part of existence if I wasn't able to regularly have it. Haha, that sounds so dramatic. + +The older I get though the more I realize that the importance I was putting on sex is mostly based on the emotions created by the mania/hyper sexuality. When I step back for a moment and stop listening to my emotions and look at it logically I don't really care as much about it. I put more value on non-sexual intimacy like snuggling/holding hands/sleeping together, and the most value on having a verbal connection with someone where we can comfortably share our deepest fears and darkest secrets. + +Its confusing because my feelings and even my thoughts can be so drastically influenced/manipulated by the chemical reactions going on in my brain/body. So there are times where sex seems like the ultimate high. Then other times where I choose to not base my actions on achieving highs and chasing feelings and instead I do things that align with the values I have built over years based on logic and philosophy. + +How do you value sex, do you base a lot of your actions/decisions around it? Or maybe it just seems like a bonus to being alive but doesn't matter much? Do your feelings on it drastically change based on your mental state?",Bipolar +46232,"me: (to my boyfriend) ""Lets get married"" him: Yeah, someday. + +me: tomorrow? + +him: sweetie, I love you... but you're manic. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46233,"Did I, or didn’t I take my medication? That wonderful feeling (not!) when your reminder pops up to take medicine and you go to your little pill holder thing only to find that day’s pills missing. + +Did I already take them, or are my days goofed up? + +How often does this happen to you?",Bipolar +46234,"Anyone here smoke to slowly kill themselves? Now for the past year I've been smoking cigarettes on and off (usually like 1 week on 2 or 3 weeks off) because I really enjoy it, I love everything about cigarettes. Now I'm thinking of just making the full commitment to becoming a smoker so I can slowly kill myself, because life is cool and all but I don't want to keep it going as long as I can, my hypomanic episode just ended and the reality of what my life is, is starting to sink in",Bipolar +46235,Need help with partner I’m in a relationship now that started while I was manic. During mania I get the usual symptoms where I’m hypersexual and a dick to everyone. Now I’m still with her and she’s getting to know the real me where I actually have a low libido bc of all the meds I’m on. Now she thinks it’s bc I’m no longer attracted to her that I don’t really want to have sex. She also is still really into telling me about how much of a dick I was to her in the beginning. Idk I know I was terrible and I apologize for it all a lot and feel truly terrible but I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to think she’s just better off with someone else who hasn’t hurt her. I need advice from anyone for how to deal with having hurt a partner during a manic phase. By hurt I don’t mean physically but like emotionally and stuff. Thanks.,Bipolar +46236,Experiences with EFT (tapping)? I'm curious what experiences folks might have had with tapping AKA [Emotional Freedom Techniques](https://www.google.com/search?q=eft+tapping&oq=eft+tapping) (EFT). I'm intrigued but skeptical. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. ,Bipolar +46237,"Was misdiagnosed and put on antidepressants, which lead to ""mania"". Not entirely sure of my ""proper"" diagnoses. I just didn't have a manic episode like most of you experience, I think, so I don't know if I believe it. + +After struggling with severe depressive episodes throughout my life that have caused me to drop out of school, lose nearly all the jobs I've worked, ect. ect., (over 10 years of bullshit) I decided to get some proper medical help. + +Within first day I started taking the antidepressants I experienced a pretty significant shift in my mood. Energy, talking, felt good. Felt ""high"", I guess. I didn't get any sleep that night though, and for the next three days I don't know if I got any more than an hour of sleep a night. + +On each of those next days I felt like I was detached from my body a lot, like I was watching myself. I started pacing in my room a lot, and felt compelled to talk or else like... idk I felt like something bad would happen. I had no appetite, my mind was moving way to fast to focus on anything, let alone food. I was totally incapacitated by anxiety, and stayed in my apartment the whole time, where I feel like my roommates were all looking at me funny and put off by how weird I felt I was acting (which is funny because when I asked them about those few days they just told me I was reallly talkative but otherwise they weren't freaked out or anything). Weirdest experience was what felt like a stabbing/lightning sensation in my brain. I reallly don't know how to explain that one. In the end I started praying to God to relieve me of my suffering which was weird because I'm an athiest. + +I didn't take the antidepressants on the fifth day, and most of this stuff ceased shortly after, though I continued to not sleep very much (like 5 hours a night?) for a little while. + +I didn't contact my doctor for a few months because I thought everything was fine. I suddenly started cutting and dying my own hair a lot, got multiple piercings and tattoos, jumped fair and doing all kinds of other kinda fun wreck-less shit (never done any of these things before). Drinking a lot and being really social. Started working out, got a dream job, started dating again, felt like my life was getting back in order. + +Then I just sorta stopped. Real normal for a while. + +Then the depression came back, lost my job, gaining weight, ect. and I went to my doctor to talk about it and of course all this came up, which lead to my diagnosis as BPII. Sure, I thing my experience was a bit out of the ordinary but it just doesn't sound like what you guys talk about when you talk about mania.",Bipolar +46238,"How do you guys make it through relentless suicidal thoughts? Nothing is going right in my life. I don't really have a reason to keep going, I don't have a support system or anyone that cares about me. I can't stop thinking about killing myself. I'm 75% sure I won't see 2020. + +I'm just trying to make it through each day and I'm getting to where I can't handle the never-ending thoughts of killing myself. I usually just try to distract myself with youtube or twitch, playing video games, music, just anything but it's not been working lately. Ever since I found out my family doesn't care about me at all I just can't keep the thoughts out for any length of time. I'm on meds, they're clearly not working, I see my doctor in 3 weeks. What do you guys do to get through the constant suicidal thoughts?",Bipolar +46239,"Therapist is trying a new CBT thing with me So my therapist has been saying I'm improving after a big setback. She wants me to try this thing I'll call the thought tree. When you get triggered you write what in that moment hurt you as the trunk. You then make limbs by writing what you thought when it happened. Kinda like the A,B,C chart. It all accumulates to the a big covering with your feeling as the leaves. Anyone else do this and does it help?",Bipolar +46240,Anxiety has been through the roof I just called my pdoc and left a voicemail. Everything is piling up. I cannot handle the anxiety. It leads to severe depression. I am trying chamomile tea (and lamictal and gabapentin and Prozac and propranolol). None of the meds are working. I’m flipping out internally ,Bipolar +46241,"Diagnosed w clinical depression, doc and brothers think I’m hypomanic..might present myself to a psych ward to get proper diagnosis/meds etc...also want to be taken this post is trash, I’m sleeping. I might have bipolar 2...It is 6.08am and I haven’t slept yet. I’m crying and sighing...I just want to escape. Nothing works to fill this void. Drugs, sex, religion.... + +Bipolar and extreme feelings of loneliness, someone cancel the I’m half asleep ",Bipolar +46242,"Bipolar rage I’ve been in full on rage for like 2 days and it’s draining me so badly. I can’t tell if it’s depression or mania or what but I literally feel it all through my body. Nothing seems to calm me down but sleep, and dealing with my trauma has got me so raw and vulnerable that it has to contribute, but I can’t get through work without feeling like I’m gonna bug out. How do you guys deal with this?",Bipolar +46243,"How do you deal with and sit through intense emotions? I'm a reactive person and I usually end up doing something self-destructive. + +When I'm feeling something INTENSE, it's usually not possible for me to talk to somebody, or 'run a bubble bath' as self-help people would have you do. + +What are some things you all do?? To prevent yourself from coping in negative ways...",Bipolar +46244,"What do you do when you feel the mania coming on? Woke up after only a couple hours of sleep. Fully energized. Thoughts racing. Hyper-motivated. All too familiar. It's the beginning of a manic episode. + +Besides taking your medication, what do you do when you feel a manic episode starting? Anything you feel minimizes its duration or severity?",Bipolar +46245,"Mixed depressive episodes- gotta love ‘em! This one started yesterday while I was at work. + +Today I’m anxious, depressed, labile, all of it. My head is all over the place- can’t leave my flat, barely keeping my head above water. + +Anyone else feel me?! ",Bipolar +46246,"Went to dinner, and DIDN'T do something stupid. So me and my boyfriend went to dinner, had a good time, finishing up I need to hit the restroom. As I'm getting out I notice the manager of the restaurant was in there, using the facilities. He had stopped by our table and chatted a bit just a bit ago, so I got the idea in my head to offer him a blowjob. It was just me and him, locking stalls... + + +Fuck. It was so tempting. BUT I DIDN'T. + + +So. I'm happy about that. I took my medication, I'm consistent with it, and I know for a fact I'm not manic right now, but god damn! If I wasn't on my medication I know I would have had a much, much harder time tonight resisting that temptation to proposition him.",Bipolar +46247,"I'm trying to create a new podcast: The Mental Health Podcast - I need your suggestions! The Mental Health Podcast is a podcast talking about anything and everything mental health. We're going to take deep dives into various mental health issues faced by people around the world, be sharing opinions and viewpoints of people who struggle from these mental health issues, or just talking about how we have been this week. + +Before I write my first episode (or second; the first would probably be an introduction), I would love to have suggestions on what I should talk about. + +These can be suggestions for deep dives into factual issues (like 'what is depression?', your opinion or viewpoint, your story or anything else. I don't want to narrow the scope too much. + +Please leave your suggestions as a comment! + +https://twitter.com/the_MH_podcast",Bipolar +46248,What does Lamictal feel like? I just started lamictal and am wondering what it feels like at therapeutic doses?,Bipolar +46249,Neurofeedback results... Has anyone on here had any success with neurofeedback and their bipolar symptoms? My husband is starting soon and we were curious what others experiences were! Thanks in advance!,Bipolar +46250,"Weekly Goal Setting: Sunday 6th Jan - Saturday 12th Jan A few years ago, the weekly goals threads helped me stick to a better lifestyle. The idea is that on Sundays you post a list of tasks or habits you want to work on during the week, then the following Saturday we review how we got on. It always helped me stay accountable and it was motivating to see other people progress. + +Is there anything you want to work on? + +You can list everything from showering daily to studying for exams. ",Bipolar +46251,"Tardive Dyskinesia, medication adjustments and the manic aftermath. Hi everyone, + +It’s hard to know where to start. I started medication for bipolar as an adolescent (13 I think) but I have been bipolar since I was a young child, and it feels like there is nothing before it. I am entering my late twenties now (so still young) but as you may know even in my childhood there was a lot of controversy about whether children could be bipolar and very little known about medicating children for being bipolar. I did have a child psychiatrist and I sincerely believe he did the best he could for me. That being said, everything was sort of a stab in the dark. I am sure there are many of you who can relate. + +It turns out that a good psychiatrist is hard to find around here, so the next one I went to missed a medication interaction between a non psychiatric medication I was already on and lamictal. He also happened to miss my signs of tardive dyskinesia even though I brought them to his attention several times. I no longer see him. I am no longer on lamictal. + +I now see a new psychiatrist and she is fantastic. I am in good hands and trust that, but she had to bring me down from a fairly standard dose of Abilify I have been on for the past 14 years to basically almost nothing because of the tardive dyskinesia. I was fine at first, surprisingly fine and stable, but now I have been manic/hypomanic for a couple of weeks when I was pretty well managed before. + +I see my psychiatrist in three days. I plan to talk to her and come up with a plan to deal with this at that appointment. + +It’s just at my last appointment, before the mania started, we talked about my choices and my medication options are now limited based on what did not work for me before and especially now thanks to developing TD and I am just scared. There may be some major changes to my medication. + +I have started this amazing life with this amazing girl. I have a stable job. We are getting married next year. We have a home. We have cats. We have a future. We want kids. I am scared because although she has seen me in bad moments and knows of my past, she has not truly experienced me at my worst. I know she will always love me but I am terrified- terrified of the td getting worse. Terrified of feeling out of control again. + +I don’t really know what I expect from any comments. I suppose I just needed to say this to people who would understand how I feel. Most people I know and talk to don’t get it at all. They have not lived it. I needed to confide in people who struggle with what I struggle with. + +It’s like my life that I worked so hard to build and maintain since I was a child (with consistent therapy, with medication, and with A LOT of everyday effort) is going to be ripped out from under me and it’s not even my doing. I did everything right. It hurts. It’s scary. It’s a lot. + +Sorry this is so long. I hope there are still people willing to read it. +",Bipolar +46252,"Symptoms for bipolar disorder? Hello all, +I'm 18 years old and I'm new to Reddit. When I was ten years old, I began to have depression. It wasn't severe, but I would often isolate myself from others and think about dying. Over time, my depression has gotten worse. However, at age 12 I began to have severe mood swings. Sometimes I would get very angry at everybody and everything around me for no reason. Sometimes it would last for a few days, and then I would go back to feeling ""stable"" or depressed. At age 15, I began to have three distinct and intense emotions that have taken over my life until this point. I rarely felt stable at that point. This feeling can occur for a week or less, I feel veryyyyyyy euphoric. I actually love life and everything around me. I feel very energetic and hyper like a five year old. I'm bouncing off the walls, and talk very fast because my thoughts race. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my thoughts would never shut up. However, I have never done anything impulsive. I'm mostly abnormally energetic and euphoric. Then, I can switch to a depressive episode. These are always the longest, they can last for 4-6 months. At that moment, I'm extremely suicidal. I've never tried to commit suicide because I'm scared of failing but the craving is always there. I'm also hopeless, think that everybody hates me, and I feel so dead and emotionally tired. I sleep for 8-9 hours and I still feel tired. I can have a good day and still feel extremely miserable even though I know I shouldn't. Then, after my depressive episode, I can feel super angry and annoyed at everything and everybody for no reason. I just get super angry and lash out at anybody, and I don't know why. This lasts for a week or less. I have been to 4 therapists and none of them have really helped; I can't really afford one right now. My family aren't very supportive, it's taboo to talk about mental illness so they ignore my symptoms or brush them off as hormones since I'm a female. Could I be bipolar? Is it just hormones? your insight would be nice, I hope to a doctor soon to get a proper diagnosis but your insight will be helpful. +",Bipolar +46253,"Loss and depression go really well together I was doing well, on new medication, ping ponging a bit but never getting fully manic or fully depressed. Now, I knew I would be depressed for about two weeks after the end of the semester. The change in schedule always does it. But, during the second half of the semester, a good friend passed away. Afterwards, a good mutual friend started acting very strange, sometimes flat out mean. Our relationship was strained for about a month for reasons I don't fully know. He eventually blocked me online even though we had agreed that no matter what we would say goodbye as he was graduating. I was easily able to push it all away when I needed to during the semester. Now I just keep falling deeper and deeper as opposed to the normal brief depression. I can't think of my friend that passed without thinking of the one that blocked me and vice versa. They were my two go tos, the people I talked to every day and who made me feel secure. My world was turned upside down. Two of the very few people I would go to are gone. I don't know how to pull myself out this time and, honestly, I'm scared.",Bipolar +46254,"Struggling to stay medicated (xpost from r/bipolar2) I was diagnosed a few years ago (bp2) after a long depressive stage and short hypomania. Basically I have a hard time staying medicated. I recognize that it helps make the depressive and hypomanic stages more manageable and my life more livable in some ways. However, there are a few things counteracting this: + +1. I sometimes get this intense urge to cut/hurt myself. It's so intense that I can't focus on anything else, and it makes me very irritable and frustrated. All I can think about is ripping my veins open, I want it more than anything. Theyve tossed around the idea that it could be harm OCD ,but no therapy (ERP) works on it. No idea if it's that or just another facet of bipolar, but it seems to get more intense and unbearable when I'm slightly affected by but not consumed by depression. This plays into wanting to stop medicating because it gets so intense that I'd almost rather be severely depressed. It's like I can't win. + +2. In a sick way, I like feeling extreme emotions. I really can't describe it. I don't enjoy being severely depressed or even hypomanic, and yet I want it. Even the depression. + +3. I think I deserve it. I'm not sad about deserving it either. Rather, I'm angry about it. Angry about not feeling extreme emotions and instead feeling dead all the time, even though I'm still experiencing rapid cycling with only sometimes less intensity. + +Just. I'm fucking mad. All the time. I want to flay my veins and feel all the feelings. And yet I'm sick of it all + +Just, can anyone relate? I don't know how to fix this, or if I even want to feel okay anymore. I'm waiting for a new therapist in February and I'm not hopeful that it will help. Waiting for psychiatrists appt at the end of January, and I dont even know what to say. I'm fucking sick of trying meds and trying to justify side effects...nausea, rashes, 60 pounds gained, lack of focus, constant exhaustion, poor memory. And I'm irritable because of wanting to flay my veins. + +Commiseration or advice much appreciated.",Bipolar +46255,"There is hope To those of you out there thinking no one loves you or wants you, please do not give up. I have struggled so much with those thoughts recently. I was having a particularly bad day while spending time with my boyfriend this past weekend. He recognized that I wasn't doing well without me having to say anything. I told him there wasn't anything he could do to help and that I just had to work through it. He kissed me on my forehead and told me he loves me unconditionally and that broke my bad spell. It took me a bit to fully pull out of it. + +If I can find someone who loves me, there is hope for every single one of us. Please do not give up. Focus on yourself and someone will come along. Remember, if you're gone, they won't be able to find you. ",Bipolar +46256,"New here and seeking advice I’ve been on a mix of 1mg Clonazepam, 75mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor), and 200mg of Lamictil (god I hate spelling these) for about ten years now. I had a suicide attempt about four or five days ago now. While I was in there, a psychiatrist decided to take me off of the Effexor and onto Latuda (40mg) instead. Is there anything I should expect? I typically drink 3-4 times a week, though I won’t be for awhile, and smoke pot everyday. Today was my second dose and I’m afraid to go outside or do anything until I know how this affects me. I’m sick (bi-polar II) and I truly want to get better. Any advice you guys can offer me? I found this sub late last night while searching for other resources. This seems to be a place that I can speak freely and get legitimate answers. Thank you all. ",Bipolar +46257,"Crisis Center I'm sitting in my car outside a crisis center. I don't know if I should go in or go home. I forced myself to not move last night because I was scared if I got up I would kill myself. I felt like Donnie Darko, with the path laid out towards the supplies to do it. + +My husband is worried I'll lose my job if I check in. I'm scared to go home. He keeps telling me to calm down, but the problem is I'm terrified of myself. I think I'm going to sit in my car all day...I can't decide if I should go into the center or go home.",Bipolar +46258,"How effective was therapy in your Bipolar treatment? You can also say which type of therapy you had, if you had any :)",Bipolar +46259,"How to get meds without psych? Hey guys I'll keep this short, basically I've been seeing a psych through my university. Were currently about 2 weeks from the end of winter break and I'm going to run out of my lamictal tomorrow. For some reason the pharmacy said im not able to refill my prescription without a confirmation from my doc. Do I have any options for getting an emergency script somewhere or am I going to have to just wait it out? I cant afford a trip to urgent care, however after I get my next paycheck I will be able too if that's my only option. Anyone know what I should do",Bipolar +46260,Suicide hotline doesn't answer. I've exhausted all my options. Now what? I'm I just supposed to die at this point. I can't think of anything else to do. ,Bipolar +46261,"I literally cannot leave my house. Please, does anyone know what to do during these periods of intense social anxiety? I can't even bring myself to text reply or reply to texts. I am fine otherwise, all things considered. But that doesn't make this any less...idk. + +What to do? I need to do something. ",Bipolar +46262,"Abilify Withdrawal? I'm thinking of dropping my abilify 15mg to see if my lamictal is enough to hold my moods on its own. At the current dose lamictal has worked wonders for my depression/anxiety, and if it's able to control my hypomania then that would be amazing, so I feel like this is something worth trying to keep my meds as few as possible. Has anyone dropped abilify cold turkey? And was it painful or just meh?",Bipolar +46263,money Have spent over $7000 in the last few months and my account is overdrawn. Just opened another credit card to get by. Somebody take my cards away from me lol.,Bipolar +46264,"Tips on getting back info life please So ever since my bought of psychosis Im terrified of going outside. If you want to read about my phycotic break you can read it on my page. I have noise sensativity, light sensativity and derealization. Im scared to be around traffic. Are there any tips for going outside my biggest fear is that Im going go have a break outside from home. I've been in a depressive and anxious stage since August havent left the house since September 2018. I know im a loser. I still have my job im on FMLA and college is on hold for me and receiving mental help in home and my parents are taking care of my son And I. I thank the lord for all I have in the time. Is there anything advice on how to get back in to life im so embarrassed and feel like a failure. I'm a 21 y/o that sits in the house all day and cries i have ptsd from my psycotic break. Sometimes i believe the break was actually real that's how real and scary it felt. I don't want to die I want to live Im scared of suicide I just cant see this getting any better. Im like a deer in the headlights all day please help",Bipolar +46265,Good bipolar documentary to show loved ones? I would love to know a good documentary to show someone who is interested. The problem I have is a good majority of them just show a bunch of famous rich people. What about the regular joe who's not genius? Especially ones that also don't solely focus on crazy manias. ,Bipolar +46266,"Why does Seroquil sometimes cause hallucinations when it is also meant to suppress them? Just increased dose and I'm starting to get auditory and slight visual hallucinations. I don't have schizophrenia though, I take 300mg seroquel and 200mg lamotragine for bipolar II. It's not that bad though, the worst side effect I get is congested sinuses and the odd dizzy spell. It does seem to work well for what it's supposed to do otherwise. + +Anyone else experience these?",Bipolar +46267,"Having a depressive episode I thought i was getting better... i thought i was becoming more confident and happier.. i haven’t smoked in a bit or drank in quite a bit and i thought everything was going well... I’m curled in bed in my room at noon because i feel so alone and crippled by my own fears. I feel so much regret for everything I’ve done and all the people I’ve hurt... i shouldn’t be here because it’s just a nuisance in everyone when i talk about how sad i am all the time and how terrible life is... + +I want to go to sleep but it’s noon and i have plans today so i can’t just ignore it but this downtime is killing me...",Bipolar +46268,"Psychosis or just anxiety? Recently I've been having this strong feeling that people around me can tell what I'm thinking, tell that I'm constantly thinking about killing myself. I feel like people are always looking at me with this mix of pity and disgust because they can tell I'm suicidal. It makes me feel really anxious about being out in public. I *know* it's not possible for people to hear my thoughts, but I can't shake the feeling that they can. + +This started happening a couple days ago, after I quit all my meds cold turkey about two weeks ago (I know, not smart). + +Could this be psychosis, or am I just anxious?",Bipolar +46269,"?? Hands in the air if you're not sleeping ?? Can't sleep. I have a baby, so finding time to sleep is hard. Worried that this last bout of no-sleep could lead to an episode. Where my non-sleeping homies at? ",Bipolar +46270,"miserable (tw self-harm and suicide) I'm having a horrible depressive episode. It's been over a year that I've felt this empty and hollow inside - dissociating. Even in previous episodes, I don't think I've felt this much dissatisfaction with any of my hobbies. + +I have no interest in drawing or gaming, I just want to lay in bed and rot away. I can do little more than get up and take a shower every day, but I'm trying as hard as I can and it seems like it's only making me feel shittier. + +I cut myself tonight, and I can't stop fantasizing about dying. I'm not actively suicidal, but... Death sounds really comforting right now. + +On the bright side, it isn't a mixed episode. I just with I knew when it would be over. :/",Bipolar +46271,"Anguish For the last three months I've been doing what I can to keep my anger and anxiety down to a minimum. Long story short I was asked to help an aquaintence with a project and when I divulged personal stories to them about things that I had guilt or fears about they decided to tell me it was my fault and then rub salt in the would be telling me I was a burden on them. I came home crushed and filled with rage and anger but mostly a feeling of guilt. Like I had done something wrong. Like maybe there was truth in their words. Logically I know there isn't. They never took the time to even listen to me and interrupted me constantly while never giving me a chance to think to respond, claiming that because I had to think I was about to lie and was unsure myself. + +Truth is, I just don't think of certain things that often. I had opened up to these people just to be kicked down, and for the last three months I've been filled with an uneasy rage and panic attacks whenever I think of them which has been daily. I've done everything I know to do to get them out of my head, but it only serves to strengthen the memory. I know that by giving them so much real estate in my head I'm giving them the power over me but I can't control it. I feel so hurt, and now it's starting to cause severe paranoia in my normal life making me laugh or at those I trust. I feel lost, helpless, useless and full of guilt but lost of all I feel like it is all my fault for not being able to cope. I have a history of trauma, bipolar, depression, and autism. + + I'm terrified of people and I don't know what to do anymore. I've resigned the idea of ever getting a job or of ever having a meaningful relationship. But know I wonder if having a standards life is out of the question as well. I feel like my troubles are so insignificant compared to others and that I'm just whining, but I also know that just because others have it worse it doesn't invalidate my pain but yet still I feel like a waste of breathe. I'm scared. I'm so scared for my future.",Bipolar +46272,"How often between med changes? A year ago I was out on medical leave for a major stress triggered episode and my entire cocktail changed to get me working again. I've had two severe depressive episodes since then but I take some extra Lamictal and ride them out. I think I'm in a mixed episode right now though and I see my doctor in two weeks, I don't know if it's time for an adjustment or just ride this out too. The rage and anxiety, next minute I'm holding in tears all trying to hide in the bathroom at work. I don't know. + +Lithium, lamictal, Lexapro (tiny), and topamax (appetite)",Bipolar +46273,"Positive Affirmations/Pep Talks/Success stories I'm having a pretty rough night/week and I'm getting overwhelmed about it. Rather than ask for advice, I'd love some positive affirmations that you guys have for yourselves, what pep talks you've used to get you through rough spots, or something you were successful at despite not being able to do it before due to bipolar disorder + +Basically just throw all of your positive things my way. ",Bipolar +46274,"Thought on being involuntarily held or medicated? So I myself had a very very rough start when I got diagnosed. It was lucky for me that my dad knew what to do and was able to convince me to get help in a very dangerous manic state. + +A few people close to me in the past few years have gotten mentally ill. With some success they manage to get to the hospital but there is nothing that can be done if they refuse to take medications. I have a friend who’s in a psychosis state and is refusing medications. He’s not functioning and no matter how often he’s brought to the hospital he won’t take the medications so he can’t get better. + +I’m wondering if you guys had any experience or any thoughts on whether being involuntarily medicated while your in a complete psychosis stat should be allowed. + +Mostly just thinking and ranting. I just wish that there was more that I could do. Because I was the same as him 5 years ago but I was able to be convinced to take my medication. + +Thanks guys. ",Bipolar +46275,"Akathisia: Abilify vs Rexulti? I am on Abilify and it is working really well. However, the akathisia is near intolerable so my doctor is switching me to Rexulti (supposedly has fewer side effects). Anyone make the switch from Abilify to Rexulti for akathisia reasons? Also, how did it affect your appetite/weight gain? My appetite is way up but I'd rather be stable if it means being a little chunkier haha",Bipolar +46276,"Hobbies I’ve tried meeting new people even tried doing one of my favorite things today and another one yesterday again driving and playing +In the snow and I didn’t enjoy myself like I used to I don’t find much satisfaction in many things besides working even relationships is this normal maybe I need a more extreme hobby to do on my days off from this job anybody relate ",Bipolar +46277,"How do you control impulse buying? I am depressed right now and remember about a lot of things I bought that I don't use anymore. I am afraid that I will spend too much in my next hypomania. I have no one I trust enough to ask them for help with this. Even if had someone, I think I would just buy stuff without asking them first. ",Bipolar +46278,"Any other lawyers on here? Just wondering if any one else can relate to the joy of being responsible for client matters, including some that are life and death, while being unable to remember what you said or read ten seconds ago because of BP depression. + +I know this applies to lots of other jobs but just wondering if there are other attorneys on here. ",Bipolar +46279,"Seroquel question I was just put on 50mg starting out and was told to take 1/2 before bed. I know everyone is different but from anyone’s experience, what should I expect good and bad. ",Bipolar +46280,"I failed the IB diploma. I don't want to try anymore. [BD1] It's 12:29 AM here. I'm so tired of trying. I tried in the IBDP, and scored 24/45 points and didn't receive my diploma. My attendance was 38% and I was in a psych ward for most of the time I wasn't there. I don't want to repeat senior year because I'm so burnt out, I just don't have another senior year in me. I can't go to university because I have no ATAR. I'm applying for a remark but I was three points away from passing my HL subjects so I doubt it'll do much. I can do a diploma at a university and go onto a degree in 2020, but I know it's going to tear me apart seeing my friends doing real degrees. My dream was to study in the US. I got an ACT score of 30. I was going to go there for real! I was so excited and proud of myself when I got that score! + +Now, I want to go back in time and slap that stupid smile off my stupid face. I was never going to make it. I was stupid to think that I could. I have had anorexia nervosa since I was eleven years old. My BMI is around 13. Every time I move my head I can feel my blood pressure doing some weird shit. I've had disordered tendencies since I was six. I do not remember a time when I was at peace with myself. + +I don't think I'll ever get better. I've tried so many times to heal. I'm on meds. I don't want to give up hope. There's a small part of me that wants to keep going. I really do want to be able to do a degree someday, move out of home, maybe even find love. God, I'm so lonely. I have friends, sure. But I want to experience love. It seems like it's useless to pursue that - 90% of relationships involving an individual with bipolar end in divorce. I imagine that this is higher for those with BD1. But I have so much love to give. I was in a relationship until a few weeks ago, but she was emotionally abusive. I can never get better and find love, because my body is disgusting. I'm very short - 5'6"" and female. I'm the shortest in my family by four inches. I'm around 36 kilograms, and I only look normal. I once weight restored to the (still unhealthy for my height) 46kg and I was hideous. I looked overweight. I can never get better from my ED if I ever want anyone to love me. + +I don't know. Just a little rant. I'm tired of trying to get better when it seems like there is no hope for me. Just this past week, I had 7 straight days of eating over 2000 calories. This was a big deal for me. I really thought I could get better. But today I freaked out and ate nothing because I saw how fat I had gotten in only one week. + +I need advice. What do I even do? My new psychiatrist doesn't think I'm sick enough to see me more than once every three weeks. My old one went to jail, but he cared and he saw me once a week. He went under for getting caught cooking morphine, but he was always lovely to me and genuinely cared. This one doesn't really think I'm sick enough to be seen more often. Although, if I ask, I will probably be able to go inpatient in the private hospital she works at. A friend of mine (also BD1) went IP there and found it very helpful, but he's much older than me and I don't know what it was like in his ward as I was down the hall in the eating disorder program. Which I was kicked out of after four days (had panic attack and lit a cigarette in my room). + +So. What should I do about treatment? I have the option to go for BD or my anorexia, but I don't do well with other anorexics around as they trigger me. I also have all the group thought experiments/exercises/not sure how to call them from the eating disorder unit, as I got friends who've stayed there to send them to me. In theory I could complete them in my own time if I were to go for BD and stay in that ward instead of the eating disorder ward. However, I do think that some of the things I didn't experience during my time in that ward (takeaway nights, eating in public challenges, etc) may have really helped me. So I'm fairly certain I will go inpatient, but not sure which ward to go to. + +Also, what should I do about my education? Should I just try to get over myself and do a diploma here, then review my options for university (be that domestic or abroad) when that's finished or wait and see what happens with the remark or resit my exams? + +This got long, I'm sorry. I skipped meds yesterday morning and last night. But I just really need some help. I'm so tired.",Bipolar +46281,"A minor adjustment to my meds. So I’ve been really lucky with meds and lifestyle changes being really successful for me. I have bipolar 2 and anxiety, I’ve been pretty much stable with little dips into mild depression for awhile. I was only taking gabapentin and Hydroxyzine. Gabapentin was the first mood stabilizer I ever tried, and it’s always kept my hypomania at bay and my anxiety dialed down a little. Hydroxyzine comes in for sleep and breakthrough anxiety. It works. I’m productive and mostly good. But the little dips into mild depression started to string together and I feared I might go into a deep depressive episode so I just told my doctor I want to add an SSRI. We’re trying Celexa right now. + +So I took it last night (she said some people prefer night, some morning) for the first time and couldn’t sleep very well. So I’m definitely going to switch to the morning from now on. I had a little stomach upset but not too bad. + +I slept less than I need to but I feel really good this morning. I’m still on my gabapentin and Hydroxyzine. And will go back to take just the hydroxyzines at night so I go back to sleeping normally. + +BUT, I don’t know if it’s too soon to tell, obviously it’s been like 12 hours, but this morning I got up feeling really optimistic and happy to start my day. Maybe this is placebo effect (although I’m usually skeptical that things will work) or maybe I’m just super lucky with things working on the first try. + +I don’t know. Just letting y’all know that I’m feeling optimistic and happy. I felt pretty good before, but let my doctor know even though I was stable, I was still struggling a little with depression and I’m hopefully this addition works out. ",Bipolar +46282,"Just started Latuda - any advice or experiences you could share? Diagnosed BP2, have just been prescribed Latuda and am after any advice or experiences with it. I was on a mix of lamotrogine, Seroquel and zyprexa but I was getting the worst drug hangover to the point where I could barely get to work in the morning. Is there anything similar with Latuda I should be aware of? +I've also just started dexamfetamine for ADHD and if anyone has any experience with that as well I'd love to hear about it.",Bipolar +46283,"Just about to start work and I feel terrible After months of job hunting, I finally got the job that I want through connections. In the past year, I've gotten accepted in certain jobs but I quit the moment I felt like the job wasn't what was stipulated in the contract. This new job I got is legal and legit. This is the job that i really really want. + +But throughout the process of passing job requirements, my enthusiasm just dwindled and panic or maybe dread is a better term to express what I feel. I don't know how I will handle this job after just being able to handle my bipolar moods. I feel jittery and i don't feel that I deserve this. I play around with thoughts of overdosing to feel more balanced, but of course that's stupid and counterproductive. + +I didn't know where to post this, and even opening up to my family and SO, I feel like they can't really understand what I mean when I say these things. + +I just want to make this job last, and I just want to have the courage to stick with it even if challenges or events overwhelm me.",Bipolar +46284,"Probably the most ridiculous way of fighting my negative thoughts First off, I've been a Queen fan since my early childhood. I probably knew all the lyrics to ""Bohemian Rhapsody"" by four or five. I was as much of a fan as any poor kid whose family couldn't afford a CD player, and was limited to the radio and her parents cassette tapes could be. The movie was right up my alley. + +Anyways, a pattern of my depressive episodes, combined with my comorbids, is the worse, most negative, loathsome thought patterns, often about my physical appearance. To combat this, I have given my attempts at more positive self talk the most flamboyant, happy Freddie Mercury voice and wordings I can imagine. And it's working. Yeah, it's really, really weird and kinda stupid, but until i can stand on my own two feet, one of my childhood idols can ight the demons for me.",Bipolar +46285,"Is it bipolar So here’s the deal. I’m grappling with the variation of depression/anxiety to elation and feeling great. I’ve pinpointed that it’s about a 6-7 month cycle and I figured I’d put it out here to see if anybody else has similar stories/situations. + +For the last ~5 years I’ve had 6-7 months straight of feeling depressed, high anxiety, suicidal thoughts (with plans), isolation, and a general urge to just shut myself off from the world. One time I went without talking to my parents for like 6 months. Then all of a sudden I’ll wake up elated and happy and it’ll last for about 4 months. Then the cycle starts again. Right now I feel the depression starting back up. There was a trigger to my depression this time around but it’s really suck for the last few days, making me afraid I’m heading into another cycle. I’m so tired of it. And I’m in a position where I can’t get professional help. + +So I can’t figure out if this is a depression thing, suicide thing, or bipolar thing. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks. ",Bipolar +46286,"An Eyeful. *Obligatory Disclaimer: Obviously I don't think that people with physical disabilities have easier lives than those with SMI, per se. The thought-process I'm describing is irrational by definition. I hope my post is taken in that spirit, rather than delegitimizing a different kind of disability by implying it's a lesser one.* + +Talking about bipolar disorder, we focus on the trials and tribulations of hypo and manic episodes. Deservedly so, as no other mental state perhaps carries quite the same potential for leaving a scorched earth in its wake. The depressive states aren't exactly a case of the sniffles, though. + +Dealing with my own psychopathology, I've come to fear depressive episodes more than I do the other side. Probably that's because I've only been fully manic a few times in my life, and the choices I make now when hypomanic aren't quite as destructive as when I was younger. + +My depressive episodes are pretty profound, though. Near-catatonia deep. It's strange, though, because suicidal ideation isn't something I often feel when I'm down in the black. What I do feel, and this has been a feature of my depression for years, is a morbid fixation with my eyes. + +A bit of background: I've always had a *lot* of trouble with my eyes. When I was a kid I had to do these weird exercises to correct a lazy eye. Then I had to start taking these prescription eyedrops because my tear ducts didn't produce enough lubrication. Later on, I was diagnosed with Graves Disease (and autoimmune disorder involving the thyroid) and I started showing signs of developing Thyroid Eye Disease. I had surgery to correct that, which was thankfully successful. However, I became night blind, and my eyes became absurdly light-sensitive. I can't drive at night now, and if you see me during the day chances are good that I'm wearing sunglasses. Heh, people make fun of me because I own a few extremely expensive designer sunglasses, but fuck it. I figure if I'm going to be wearing something every day it may as well be well-made and make me feel good. + +The thing is, when I'm in a depressive state I'll begin having intrusive thoughts about my eyes. Specifically, blinding myself. Putting sharp needles into my eyes. Using a pipette to put a drop of nitric acid onto them. Staring into the sun for hours/days. Take a lesson from the Oedipal myth and pluck them out with my hands. Things like that. + +I've read literature regarding people who have strangely antagonistic ideas about certain body parts. In fact, I remember a story about a woman whose psychologist gave her tips to blind herself, and she did, and is apparently much happier now. + +I don't think my eye thing is essentially a body dysmorphic thing the way it is for these other people. I've been trying to think of why that's the place my mind goes when in a depressive state, but I haven't quite figured it out. I feel like I should figure it out, as I feel that there's a strong non-zero possibility that I'll act on this at some point, which is a pretty fucked up way to feel. + +My initial hypothesis is that I feel so sick inside, and that some disabling external situation would... somehow validate the internal state? An ugly thought, for sure. + +Is the desire to or fixation on maiming oneself something that others with bipolar disorder feel? Perhaps it's just an oddity of my presentation.",Bipolar +46287,"Intense bursts of anxiety and stress I did a little bit of research prior to this but I couldn't find anything specific enough to my situation. + +Does anyone here get these intense bursts of like anxiety, agitation and stress seemingly from out of nowhere? + +I always need to step away when I feel this way just to clear my head, and it's over the most trivial things - often a sudden change of plans or having to multitask (e.g. being part of a conversation while getting texts I need to reply to). + +It completely overwhelms me to the point where I can't think straight. I get really snappy and rude, and I feel terrible about it cause I can't control it and it affects the people around me. It's a very confusing feeling but it fades again after maybe 10-20 minutes of clearing my head. That's also around the time where embarrassment kicks in and I start apologising for being so cold and rude. + +Can anyone relate? How do you handle it and maybe prevent it from overwhelming you?",Bipolar +46288,"Experiences with mood stabilizers in addition to Citalopram(Lexapro)? I recently started taking oxcarbazepine in addition to my 40mg Lexapro and I’m experiencing some side effects. What kinds of effects have you all experienced, and when did they finally leave(if ever)? (I’m BP2)",Bipolar +46289,"Lithium and muscle pain? Hi all, + +I started lithium about ten days ago with 300 mg at evening. Then as ordered, increased it to 300 mg at morning and 300 at evening, bringing it to total of 600 mg. I increased the dose yesterday. + +Since yesterday I have had a quite bad muscle pain in my lower back. It is seriously distracting and affects my daily function. I feel drained in other muscles but the pain is bad. + +As far as I know I shouldn't even be in the therapeutic range yet. I have blood tests scheluded for 2 weeks from now on but I think I can't handle this. + +Is it normal to have this amount of pain so early?",Bipolar +46290,"Reasonable Accommodation Frustration. To start off with I have a few different mental health disabilities. I am fortune that I am employed full time! I am also ""out"" about having a severe and persistent mental illness at work. + +However being in my office causes me some issues in being easily distracted by things going on around me. My disability causes some executive function deficits, along with hyper arosal (awareness... Not the sexy kind) + +This summer my 5 year old was diagnosed with two chronic, incurable autoimmune diseases. This of course has made mental health stuff worse. I was lucky to be in a DBT program when it happened or I'd be in a horrible spiral right now. I knew it would effect my performance and I asked my direct supervisor, and manager about working from home 8 to 16 hours a week as an accommodation. At previous jobs this has been heart for keeping me up to date in notes. I was told that as an orginzation we do not have a policy for this. + + +I said fuck it, and worked from home anyways (making sure I didn't go over my hours) and got caught up. Woo! + +Over the fall we had a lot of staffing changes and I wound up with double the work load for 3 months. I have stopped working from home becuse I was worried in would get caught and get sacked. My performance has suffered and my new supervisor has noticed. + +I again went to my supervisor and director and was told the same thing about their being no policy allowing us to work from home. So I went to HR, with documentation from my care provider. HR just now got back to me, after a month. Again they implied they where (but didn't out right) denying the request. + +I've been in contact with an ADA specialist in my state, along with AskJAN about this and it's super frustrating. + +The best/worst and most ironic part of all of this? Our orginzation serves people with disabilities. This is what we do for them and teach them what to do. How to obtain and maintain emoloyment. My caseload is only people, like me, who have a serious or sevre and persistent mental illness. Ain't that some shit? I love the people I serve, and what I do and this is really leaving a sour taste in my mouth about the orgization. + +If you read this whole thing... THANK YOU for listening. I am so frustrated with the situation and I'm not gonna give up this fight. +",Bipolar +46291,"I got a job interview of my dreams! I apologize..... I’m mostly just venting here, bare with me! + + +I’ve been jobless since last June after a few weeks stay in the hospital. It still took me a few months to get “better” afterwards. I tried to do everything right, Switched doctors, new therapist, exercise, eating healthier, stopped drinking beer, tons and tons of new meds... + +I am FINALLY doing well! I can hardly believe it at times. I’ve come so far. + +So, I’ve been job hunting. It’s been awful. But I had a phone interview yesterday at a spa I really want to work at and it went soooo well! We immediately set up a time for an in person meet up next week. + +I was nearly hypo after my call, I was soooo happy! Naturally, it didn’t last. + +My mood DROPPED. HARD. things are going so well, wtf?? I became really depressed, anxious enough that I had to take an ativan (it didn’t help). Had a few crying spells. + +fucking disorder. I’m over it!!",Bipolar +46292,Recommendations for diary/journal app for bipolar? What apps do you use for journal/diary keeping on your tablets or phones? There's so many to choose from these days and I'm wondering which you've found works best for you.,Bipolar +46293,"My skin is crawling... I don’t even know what my mood is at the moment. My thoughts are racing by disjointed and scary. I’m curled up in a ball on my bed. Self harm is all I can think of but I just don’t have the motivation to do anything. My skin is crawling and I just want to bash my head against the wall but there’s also a sense of calm. I smoked weed with my “friends” on New Years and it made me extremely paranoid. I thought that people were coming after me to kill me and I completely freaked the fuck out in front of them and so now, nobody is talking to me. The effects of smoking should’ve worn off by now but I’m still paranoid. + +Can someone please tell me what’s going on?!",Bipolar +46294,"Hypomanic and not taking all of my meds... Not only did I miss my therapy appointment last week (I was so busy and I completely forgot because I hadn't been in two weeks due to the holidays), but I never started taking my lamictal like I was supposed to start like 3 weeks ago? Still taking 450mg of Wellbutrin. I feel amazing like really really good even though I am going through a lot of financial stress right now. I'm cleaning and organizing almost all day and I've posted like 40 items for sale on the market place in the last couple of days. I guess this is hypomania and I don't want it to stop. I'm scared of feeling numb. I haven't felt this good for this long in months. But today I got a call from the mental health department at Kaiser saying that the psychiatrist who prescribed me the Lamictal wants a follow up with me in a couple of weeks. Fuck. Should I lie? Be honest? If I'm honest how am I going to justify my decision? Either way I'm going to feel so ashamed, but I don't regret my decision right now. ??",Bipolar +46295,"Latuda 2x/day? Had a pdoc appt today and we decided to try latuda. She said do 20mg once a day for two weeks then 20mg twice a day. + +I was under the impression that latuda was generally taken once a day. Anybody else taking it twice a day?",Bipolar +46296,"Living without meds I stopped taking meds 2 months ago. I will never put that garbage into my body ever again. I tried everything you could think under the sun and still had BP symptoms as well as the horrible side effects of sleeping all day, being overweight, being constantly hungry, pissing myself in my sleep, having no sex drive, not being able to have an orgasm... I could go on. I can't live with medications, but it looks like I can't live without them either. So that leaves no option but death. I've been trying to figure out how to kill myself but I can't even figure that out. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?",Bipolar +46297,"I can't stop crying A year ago I got out of a 7 year relationship +A year ago I got sober off alcohol +I don't understand why I'm feeling so horrible all these feelings are here now +Why? Why now!? I grieved his loss and got over it +It feels like I'm going through all of it all over again +Is this normal? Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +46298,"About to start day program. I'd like some advice So I'm going to this clinic about 500 miles away from home. I picked this one because my dad went there and made tremendous improvements in his mental health. Seriously, night and day. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to go, but I am nervous as fuck. + +First of all, I have some substance abuse issues but I'm afraid to bring them up because I'm afraid they won't treat me for my bipolar, just for my addiction. I think they go hand in hand, but if I could get some help managing my bipolar I think my problems with substances would start to fix itself. I could be wrong. Will they refuse to treat me if I fail their drug test? + +This clinic has a heavy Christian influence. One of their main goals with the program is to rekindle your relationship with God. I don't feel great about this because religion use to play a big part of my paranoia and worries. I've separated myself from organized religion over the last few years and that has helped. However, I'm afraid all the preaching will rekindle my fears and anxeity over the issue. + +Finally I'm nervous because I feel like this is my last chance to get better. I've done quite a few programs and this is kind of a drastic step. For me to go, it's expensive and time consuming and is going to put my girlfriend and step kids in hard spot. I feel terrible I even have to go but if it doesn't work, I can't imagine how I'll feel. I'll have wasted everyone's time and put the people I love most through it too.",Bipolar +46299,Anyone have bipolar and OCD? How do the two interact for you? Diagnosed with bipolar but learning I likely also have OCD. Trying to figure out what is what. Thanks!,Bipolar +46300,"Hypomanic af, if people only knew + +Long story short the drugstore that provides my prescription fucked it up and I took medication that triggered hypomania. Luckily its the weekend now and I can keep it simple. I slept 1.5 hrs the last two nights. My gf is concerned as I've been distant but really im just trying to shield her. I was supposed to hang out with people and cancelled bc of this shit and ppl are annoyed. I've shut myself in my room and will only allow my roommate (who also has a mental illness) to see me. I work out in the gym in my apartment building and return to my room. I get anxiety attacks and vomit, my hypersexuality is out of control, the voices want me to be destructive, as a release I suppose. So I've been pouring myself out on reddit and doing lots of art. Fuck this is not easy. I am being vigilant; these are the times I hurt myself and other people and make very bad decisions. My whole body is buzzing and the thoughts won't stop. I've been working out three times a day to try to tire myself out and shut my mind off. I've scrubbed every inch of the apartment. Vigorous cleaning and organizing is always a tip-off that I am in a hypomanic cycle. Going to do some yoga before bed. I keep telling myself its a process and it will take time before I can retrain my brain and body to continue to choose helpful coping. My body is so amped and my mind racing, I want someone to tranquillize me and let me sleep for 100 years. Grateful this isn't my norm anymore. A sad and worn bean. Its fucked up because some friends tell me they are jealous of me bc of how I look and the attention I receive, how social they perceive me to be but what the fuck is that worth when your brain hates you and wants you to die. Anyway I know this will pass ugh",Bipolar +46301,"Is it possible or does it make sense to be self aware when manic or hypomanic? Hey friends. A lot of you talk about manic episodes so severe that your friends/families/SO's have to have you formed and hospitalized etc. I've never had that. I've always been self aware in depressive episodes and known when I was close to the edge, and I'm always aware when I'm hypomanic (so far). It doesn't CHANGE anything, like I'm still riding the wave and doing all my bad things (spending, sex, driving fast) or whatever, but I'm self aware that I'm hypo. I don't need somebody to point it out to me. I know. I know that my discomfort about the moon looking at me is a delusion. I know that I shouldn't have bought the $85 eye shadow palette (s/o to Huda Beauty, your New Nudes palette is fucking beautiful) but I did anyway. + +Anyway, any insight would be nice. My bipolar friend said this is called ""high functioning"" which I always knew I was but I didn't think it meant this? + +",Bipolar +46302,"Anyone else have no social life whatsoever? Makes me feel like I’m cursed even further. Waking up on a Saturday knowing you’ll just be sitting on your couch like the last 50 weekends slowly but surely makes you begging for death. I didn’t ask for this fucking life, it’s unbelievable...I’ve got social anxiety and horrible confidence to go with this shitty illness which is just a death sentence ",Bipolar +46303,"songs for when you’re depressed radiohead - how to disappear completely +the killers - smile like you mean it +third eye blind - jumper & the background +the all american rejects - move along +fall out boy - i’ve got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (yes that’s the title) + +what do you guys listen to?",Bipolar +46304,"Brother is still manic - Flying across country MULTIPLE times with no ID A while ago I posted about brother (27M) who was manic, eventually we got him admitted into a hospital with a court order, clinicians agreed he was manic/psychosis/illusions of grandeur etc. He was recently released after 2 weeks, court order 'dissolved' as he agreed to voluntary 30day residential treatment. No surprises when he checked himself out after one day of residential treatment... And has now flown himself (with another credit card he secretly has) to another state without ID. + +I'm surprised he has been able to get on a plane 4 times now without any ID, and just a photocopy of his passport/last ID. Is it that easy to get past TSA? Not really sure what we can do at this point. He's been asking for his passport because he wants to leave the country and we have it locked in a safe. He's clearly still manic. Any advice appreciated, thank you.",Bipolar +46305,"I failed at overdosing for a second time. I overdosed on Clonanzepam last night, but as you can see, I'm still here. I'm sick, tired, and in pain. I just want this to be over.",Bipolar +46306,"New job schedule is triggering my hypomania I have a part-time job on some days where I usually work from 5-9 pm and get home at 10 to go to sleep. But I just started a new full-time 8 am - 4 pm job M-F. Because of the distance I have to be at the bus stop around 7 am. I know this is risky, but I really could use the money. (My family was bad with money, so I have ""security issues"" about not having enough cash in the bank.) + +The first few days were a little rough because my body wasn't used to the schedule change. Getting out of bed was a struggle. But after a few days of that I woke up with the most sublime energy, the kind that begs to be released and shown to the world. My first thought was ""Fuck yeah, I'm all better now!"" My thought process is still accelerating to generate all these new ideas. One day I'm going to write essays on my leftist theories on the occult (don't worry, they make sense to me) for some kind of publication and get famous. But I don't have the patience to sit down and read any relevant literature - I just can't go fast enough and I want to throw the book across the room. I've also started another goal to lose weight because I realized I don't need as much ""fuel"" to stay energetic as I thought I did. I think the moment I realized I was hypomanic was the hypersexuality, the symptom I'm most ashamed of, as I'm usually a very disciplined and self-controlled person. I think the major reason why I didn't end up acting on those impulses later that night (I had the night off) was that my back was in a lot of pain and I had to be still (ugh) the rest of the night. God, this is so frustrating. And disappointing.",Bipolar +46307,"Approaching Mania? How does your mania appear? Does it come on suddenly? Or can you feel it creeping up? At what point do you alert your psychiatrist if it’s creeping up? + +",Bipolar +46308,"Bipolar Meds & Sleepiness Temporary? Just wanting to hear people's experiences. What meds are you on & did they make you sleepy at first? Did the sleepiness wear off over time as your body grew accustomed to the med? How long did it take? + +I'm on Lamictal (300 mg) and struggle to stay awake for even 12 hours at a time. I've been on this dose for over a month and the sleepiness is intense. I'm just wondering if it'll get better over time.",Bipolar +46309,"I lost my reason today. Whenever I'm in a deep depression with suicidal ideation, I can always justify people moving on after I'm gone. My three main reasons I struggled to justify are my dogs and my cat. Recently I've been justifying the dogs too. They're a bonded pair, they love my husband, and he could care for them if I was no longer here. But there was one reason I couldn't justify. My cat, Georgie. + +Georgie hates every person except me. He's also asthmatic and requires medication that he would only let me administer. If I left him behind, how would he survive without his medication? He'd be alone. + +I took him to the vet this morning after he was still struggling to breathe even after his asthma meds. The vet came in and said heart failure. I decided the best option was to let him go. I held him as they administered the medication and until I felt him go limp. I get his ashes back in a couple of weeks. + +My reason is gone. And I want to go too.",Bipolar +46310,"It's over My brother gave up the fight and killed himself. He was very depressed, officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and in a very bad state. We tried multiple terapists, letting him living alone, letting him living with us and nothing worked. He did not want to fight and made plans about making plans which he simply ignored later. There was nothing we could do and yet I feel like there was something we did not think of and should have done. We totally fucked up and couldn't support him the way he needed it. It fucking sucks, everything fucking sucks. Our society fucking sucks at dealing with people like him. Fuck it.",Bipolar +46311,"depression makes me feel so crazy and irrational im scared to even talk about it in real life I have spent the majority of the past three years depressed, with a few periods of mania and normalcy interspersed here and there. A common pattern - I will go into therapy of some kind, talk about how I'm depressed, I'm sad all the time, feel like nothing ever helps me, meds never work, I want to kill myself and the only thing stopping me is fear it won't work. Get frustrated at all their suggestions, walk out feeling worse than I did going in. Then my meds will get adjusted or I'll cycle back up again and feel absolutely fine, and quit therapy until the next crisis. Because of this, I'm sure my chart is covered with notes about how I'm a difficult patient, irrational, dramatic, draining, argumentative and I have have clinicians suggest I have borderline pd or at least traits of it. The thing is when I'm euthymic I'm not like this at all. I may be a little more sensitive than the average person but other than that I'm perfectly normal. + +Anyway, my point is that I always get embarrassed by how melodramatic I get during depressive episodes and because of this I am scared to go back to therapy and repeat this pattern. I already have a lot of difficulty opening up to people and have always found therapy insanely difficult, and this just makes it worse. I also *know* at this point I'm being irrational and I don't need anyone to point it out to me, but I also don't know what to do when I feel like this that doesn't involve professional help. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, just hoping to hear any advice anyone has or if anyone else feels the same way? I literally feel like depression turns me into a completely different person and I hate it.",Bipolar +46312,How do we get through the normal stages of life like this? I’ve [19F] been recently diagnosed as bipolar and I really struggle with seeing a future for myself. I’m in college and I’ve lost all motivation this month. I don’t see myself getting married because I keep causing problems in my relationship. I don’t see myself having kids because I don’t want to give them the mental illness that I have. How the fuck do we move forward from here? My dog saves my life every day. And if it weren’t for her I would have nothing. ,Bipolar +46313,"Could psychiatrists diagnose teens with bipolar back in the late 90s / early 2000s? Hey, so I just crashed into depression hard and fast and it got me thinking, when I was a teen and obviously showing signs of bipolar, my parents would threaten to send me to a psychiatrist if I didn't smarten up. I always told them ""yes send me please I need help"" in fewer words and they would punish me. What I'm wondering is, would it have done any good? I'm currently feeling extremely bitter towards them for not getting me the help I obviously needed, setting me back years and resulting in a failed career, but is that bitterness justified? + + + +Thanks for any input you guys can provide",Bipolar +46314,"I don't have Bipolar! I have a neurological disorder called, ""Kaksisuuntainen mielialahäiriö"". It's usually treated with the same meds they use for epilepsy. The perfect way to not freak people out if you have to tell them you are bipolar. ""Kaksisuuntainen mielialahäiriö"", means Bipolar in Finnish. No one I know understands Finnish and no one gives a shit enough to actually look it up. So everything in the title is technically true but it doesn't immediately invoke fear and prejudice. So to all my friends who also have, ""Kaksisuuntainen mielialahäiriö"", I hope you are all doing well. + +? + +Pro Tip: Google translate is your friend, it will say the word for you so you can learn how to pronounce it.",Bipolar +46315,"Fuck Fuck.Thats right.Fuck. +I got back on the road as a truck driver and already want to quit .Just started this trip Sat with many delays. +Waiting on disptach for several fucking hours. +Fuck.Good fkn pay but for what? +Lose my shit on some fkn idiot that drives like shit and end up in jail or shot by racist asshole trigger happy cops? +Recommmend me a job someone.If not.Im.getting my engineering or writing degree. +M +I was hoping to save enough to start a trucking business.Maybe not. +12 gauge from Walmart sounds pretty fkn good right now.",Bipolar +46316,"Anxiety level: 1,000,000 - Husband's surprise Christmas present For Christmas my husband bought me a 6 week training program at a local boxing club. I've never done class-like exercising, so I was pretty concerned that my social anxiety would be a problem. I was right. + +The training program includes a strict meal plan and weekly weigh-ins. If you lose 20 lbs in 6 weeks then you get all your money back. Unfortunately, it's triggered my eating disorder and now I'm restricting like a mofo. + +The first class I went to, I had to sit out part of the time because I almost passed out. I've done 3 classes so far and it's incredibly embarrassing when I have to take a break to sit down while everyone else is still up and punching their bags. + +I know I shouldn't compare myself to everyone else, because I'm just a beginner and they might not be, but I can't help it. + +I think it's sending me into a depressive state. All I want to do is sleep and not think about going to class or eating... + +&nbsp; + + +TL;DR: My husband bought me a 6 week boxing training program and it's triggered my mental state and my eating disorder... Has anyone dealt with this sort of thing??",Bipolar +46317,CBD Oil Has anyone tried CBD oil to help with their anxiety? My meds don't seem to be keeping my anxiety in check and my doctor already has me on the max amount of anti anxiety meds. I've heard positive things about CBD oil.,Bipolar +46318,"A Step In The Right Direction I have a job interview coming up on Thursday I finally got a job in August delivering pizza and it took 11 months from the job prior to that. + +I’m going to be back in an office setting and it feels so good. Cheers.",Bipolar +46319,"Question While I’m not bipolar, a character in a story that I’m writing is. I want an accurate depiction of what it’s like though, so here’s my question: The character is a prosecutor who was falsely accused of abusing her toddler daughter. While she is extremely stressed, it takes a turn for the worst when she hits a manic phase. What would that accurately be like?",Bipolar +46320,Any one have long term experience with epival/depakote I’m 24/male and currently on it. I’m loosing hair and really concerned it could get worse. ,Bipolar +46321,"Are you always supposed to be in an episode? With and without medication. + + +And can you have wine?",Bipolar +46322,Help I want to be off med I am in first year uni and was diagnosed bipolar I in November after hospitalization for a manic episode. I am just in the first months of treatment and my meds make me feel awful. I feel nothing compared to what I used to. Everything feels grey and worthless. I’d rather be depressed than this empty. Does it get better? Will my symptoms like sedation and nausea from meds improve? I am tempted to just stop taking the medication and try and deal with it all on my own. ,Bipolar +46323,"Pro’s and Con’s of common medications for Bipolar II? I’m going to likely be on med’s soon, and I want to know: what are the pro’s and con’s of the medications in terms of what it does for you vs the side effects? + +I know that finding the right dosage and medicine is like throwing darts blindfolded, but I just want to have a general idea of the medications before I get started with this process",Bipolar +46324,Ssi and bipolar Has anyone here tried applying for ssi because of bipolar prior? I'm just trying to find something to calm my anxiety about it cause I'm in the waiting period. ,Bipolar +46325,"Does lamictal rashes itch? I have some faded redish rashes on my chest. I don't know how long they've been there. I've been on 200 mg for a few months now. I'm gonna keep an eye on it and if it gets worse I'm going to my doctor, just want to know if lamictal rashes itch, because mine doesn't.",Bipolar +46326,Treatment for bipolar depression Ive been diagnosed with bipolar. I struggle with psychosis primarily in the form of delusions. They tell me this is mania even though i dont experience the typical symptoms like endless energy. Well ive been put on a latuda (an antipsychotic) and depercote to combat the delusions. My problem is im horridly depressed now. I spoke to my doctor about what we can do for depression and he said whatever treatment we pick its going to be a long time till it works. My question is what treatments have been effective for managing your bipolar depression? This is a long battle thats starting to feel unsurmountable. Any input would be greatly appreciated. ,Bipolar +46327,Imo r/bipolar has become too mainstream How many people on r/bipolar actually have that condition? Seems like a good percentage of the posts on there are just people complaining about stuff everyone will go through at some point. Seems like some are self diagnosed and are just trying to fit into the whole “being bipolar is cool” fad. It’s not fun or cool when you hurt people are actually permanently damage your future and loose friends. I can get the humor appeal of that sub but I mean come on. This disease isn’t something that should be taken lightly. Even one of my coping mechanisms is humor but half the stuff in there is just dumb shit.,Bipolar +46328,Remind me again why I need to take my meds?! I’m so fucking miffed right now I want to stop all together and ride this train all the way to manic city.,Bipolar +46329,"First time posting on reddit... need help/advice/inspiration for dealing with a bipolar depressive episode Hello there. + +I am 23 years old and officially got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 about a year and a half ago after being hospitalized from a month-long manic episode. after that, I was on EI for 4 months and had to take a break from school. Basically, it ruined my life. + +The meds helped me remain stable, with a little bit of depression here and there.. nothing major. For the past 5 weeks, I have fallen into a deep depression. I am crying on the floor, feeling physically paralyzed, can't see my friends, and having very dark thoughts. + +I saw my psychiatrist and therapist last week and we upped my meds. I am now on 200mg Lamictal, 60mg Latuda, and 100 mg Modafinil. I also started light therapy, work out 4 days a week, take vit d, iron, and omega 3s, meditate, and am starting CBT therapy next week. I feel like I'm doing all of the right things.. which is why i feel SO frustrated that nothing seems to be working. Oh, and I got my hormonal IUD taken out as my naturopath said it might be causing my mood problems. + +I don't want to die. There is so much more I want to do in life. But being severely depressed is no way to live. + +People with bipolar... what med combos are you on? What other therapy has worked for you? How did you get better? I need some hope in my life right now... + +Thanks all in advance. It was hard for me to post this.",Bipolar +46330,"Just casually sharing my life-story I never share my genuine and real problems with anyone close to me and I just want to get some things off my chest. + +Disclaimer: Don't be stupid and go off your medication in a single day without anybody watching it like I did. This could seriously harm you, don't do it, learn from my mistakes. Also try not to lie if that's a problem for you. + +&#x200B; + +When I was 14 my mother first took me to a GP to ask for a referral to a children's psychiatrist. From there on it was a whirlwind of seeing different psychiatrists and receiving different diagnoses. 2 years later it was agreed that I had bipolar II and I was put on medication and sent to therapy. + +&#x200B; + +I'm not sure how medication worked for me, I was prescribed some mood-stabilisers and I took them, and after I was asked how they work for me I said yeah, they are great, despite not feeling any difference at all. Therapy didn't help me either, I'm a self-diagnosed compulsive liar and therapy did nothing for me because I just lied to my therapist about a bunch of trivial things, so I never allowed her to get close. I think I lie mostly because I don't like people getting to know too much about me and my life, though often I also just lie for no reason at all. I'm not a sociopath or psychopath, I do experience emotions very much and sometimes I get angry at myself for lying to people I care about. + +&#x200B; + +For some reason, at some point when I was 17 I just could not manage to call my psychiatrist nor my therapist for another appointment. My mother, who is a supportive and kind person normally, who however always stigmatised and made fun of me for mental health issues (despite having some herself), refused to call them for me on the basis that I'm 17, I should be able to do this for myself now. + +&#x200B; + +So, I never went back to my psychiatrist and that meant no more pharmacy recipes for my medication. That's how I uncontrolledly went off my mood-stabilisers. It was a whirlwind and it pushed me right back to the start of my problems. Don't do this. This is stupid and dangerous and not recommended by ANYBODY. + +&#x200B; + +Since then I have learned to control myself better and I have learned coping methods that help me. I still know I am going through phases of depression and hypomania and rapid-cycling. I am learning methods that help me push through it. I believe I'm at a point in my life where I have the will and drive to get help and medication again, but I try to cope. I'm turning 21 soon and currently enrolled half-time at an online university. I study in English, which is not my native language, but I enjoy it very much and it's a field I am very very interested in. I have a boyfriend who is older than me and financially supports me. I am a supportive family that I could always come back to running, if I dropped out of university it would not be the end of the world. Even though I dropped out of high school right before graduation (because I stood no chance at ever passing the math final) I could get a job and not worry about money, thanks to my family's circumstances. + +&#x200B; + +Now I mostly suffer from the 'side effect' symptoms of BP II, (as I like to call them): delusions, emotional intensity, binging on various things and irritability. I sometimes get bouts of feelings of guilt for things that are long done with, or just for no reason. I feel highly emotional about wasting food, money, other things. Which can be a challenge when you experience hypomania sometimes, lol. + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for reading if you came this far, I hope you're coping well. I'm not sure whether I ever told my story this honestly.",Bipolar +46331,"What is going on?? Mostly rant and confusion. So. I live in the UK with free healthcare and all that jazz, problem is I'm supposed to get repeat prescriptions weekly to my local pharmacy and they just don't arrive. Most weeks I have to phone the surgery to chase them up and now I'm essentially going cold turkey from lamotrigene, sertraline and also meds for thyroid. It usually takes 24-48 hours for a prescription to be ready to pick up if they actually remember to do it. My bf is putting in an official complaint tomorrow but not sure if it'll do anything. Am I being unreasonable wanting to complain? My head is kind of fuzzy at the moment and I feel like hell. Probably withdrawal? I don't know.",Bipolar +46332,Art Therapy as part of your treatment? Does anyone have good/bad experiences with art therapy in terms of using it to treat your bipolar?,Bipolar +46333,Ammonia levels too high in blood caused by depakote? Has anyone had this happen to them? My doctor has taken me off the depakote but they found my levels were too high when i was in the hospital last week for migraines.,Bipolar +46334,"New kind of manic episode? I don't even know where to begin but u feel like I need to talk this through somewhere so here I am. I feel like I'm experiencing an completely different type of mania that is like no other... it's not super intense or anything but my risk taking behaviors are like whoa right now and I don't want to stop. + +It all started this weekend when I was partying (which I almost never do either)... drank way more than usual all weekend. Ended up experimenting with recreational drugs that I always swore I would never try. And I liked it! I also went crazy sexually and did some things I'm not very proud of, but still want to do it again (and the opportunity is 100% being presented to me on a gold platter). + +Im not having any of the normal mind racing, heart beating out of my chest, anxiety attack ridden mania than I usually have...wtf is this crap? + +Any words of advice?",Bipolar +46335,"Anyone else feel like the periods of stability make bp better than depression? I was very depressed from ages 14-19 but a few months after turning 19 had my first hypomanic episode. I rapid cycled for a while, had a few weeks of stability, had a month long hypomanic episode, a month long depressive episode, and now I’ve been stable for the past two months. As much as the rapid cycling sucks, the periods of stability are amazing. For once I can see why my peers in highschool had such an easy time doing stuff when I struggled the second I opened my eyes. After like 5 years of monotonous depression there’s finally some things to look forward to. Anyone else feel similar?",Bipolar +46336,"My sleep is dwindling I don’t get much sleep but the past few weeks I sleep an average of five hours and ten minutes. I’m just not tired at night. + + I’m taking my meds. + + How can I sleep more? If this carries on I’m sure I’ll be heading towards the danger zone although right now that looks somewhat appealing ...",Bipolar +46337,"Moving out of my parents house because of PTSD? To keep things vague l was abused by my dad. He hasn’t abused me since childhood but I still feel uncomfortable around him. I’m 23 and still live with him and my mom because my state is VERY expensive to afford housing (or anything). + +I have it comfortable here, a parking spot, my own room etc, but I feel it’s bad for my mental health. No rent here, they let me stay free. + +I found a room that’s only $600 a month to rent from a family, which I can afford, but they have three children and a baby on the way. Therapist says I have PTSD and should move. But I don’t wanna end up in a worse situation; but would it be better for me, for my mental health to move away? Needing advice, is it worth it? . I’m bipolar and schizoaffective so triggers suck. ",Bipolar +46338,"Not Sleeping on New Meds I recently changed meds from Olanzapine to Vraylar because of side effect issues. I used to be on Seroquel until I got tardive dyskinesia. :( The past couple of weeks since I changed medications, I've noticed that I feel on edge and wired for no reason. I fall asleep eventually, but wake up 3-4 hours later feeling wide awake like someone gave me a shot of epinephrine. Minus feeling on edge, my mood is more or less fine (not up or down too much). Despite not really sleeping much (I usually need 8 hours to feel human in the morning), I am awake and fully functional during the day. Should I be worried that this is the start of a manic (or more likely hypomanic) episode, or is this likely just me adjusting to my new medication? I am also on other meds that help stabilize my mood (Lithium and Lamictal) so this is an adjunct medication.",Bipolar +46339,"Not sure if I want kids because of this I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2, and I'm still not totally sure what that means. I have really bad months, followed by a few weeks where I do really well and I'm really happy, followed by a few more bad months of depression and anxiety. + +When I met my wife four years ago, I didn't know I'd get this bad. I had a history of depression and anxiety disorder, but I was keeping it controlled without medication. Two years ago I had a breakdown and had to go back into therapy, which led to now. + +My wife and I always talked about having kids, but the worse I feel the less I feel like I'd make a good dad. I barely feel like getting up to go to work, let alone do all the chores that are already piled up around the house. I can't imagine putting a kid on top of all that. Not to mention, I'd hate to bring someone else into the world and they feel as bad as I do. It seems selfish of me to have a kid on a whim and then end up being a shitty dad. + +I don't know how to tell my wife. I love her, she makes me so happy, but I don't know if I can do this. She's not pregnant, but she's off the pill and we've decided to take a loose take on ""trying"". We already don't have a lot of sex. + +Am I right about this or is this just my chemically off balanced brain making itself feel worse? Am I the only one who thinks like this?",Bipolar +46340,Paranoia at its best I’m currently having paranoid thoughts. That my aunt and cousin don’t want me dating my cousins friend. Also that they’re using him to get back at me and to prove I’m a slut. That they also want to embarrass me in front of their neighbors by having him talk to another girl that he possibly likes. Also that my sister and everyone is conspiring against me to show that I’m a bad friend to my aunt by engaging me in negative convo about her. Also to show my aunt is trying to prove that I’m a bad sister. Which everyone is now out to prove I don’t deserve love and show me that everyone actually hates me sigh,Bipolar +46341,"Guanfacine (Intuniv)? Recently had a catecholamines blood test (levels of dopamine, norepinephrine and epinephrine). My norepeinephrine level was 5x normal. My pdoc has prescribed Guanfacine (Intuniv). Anyone have experience with it? Thanks!",Bipolar +46342,"Woes of getting in as a new patient I'm just so frustrated, been off meds about a year and a half, been stable, moved to a small city and away from a crappy hospital, but away from from my established medical resources. I called the largest provider here, as of January 17th they're booked into mid April! Place I'm waiting to hear back from is *only* a couple months out, hoping to get in earlier simply because I'm already diagnosed and have records of previous medications. + +I just don't get it, yeah I should have done this sooner, but I was stable, if not slightly elevated, but I'm trying to stay ahead of this before my depression gets deadly serious (2 previous hospitalizations). The second place I called only has one Psychologist and one nurse, I forget the abbreviation but able to prescribe, however I had a bad experience last time with a similar situation, interestingly enough on my second hospitalization I was being cared for by the Dr that had the nurse as his assistant, and he was not too impressed with the meds she had has been trying, as I was not improving, she'd actually prescribed ssri for me and he explained that that is about the last thing I should be taking, anyways. + +It's just so frustrating for me, trying to get the help I need, as much as I had bad side effects from my last meds, I'd rather have them than go through this damn suicidal roller coaster again! + +Thanks for reading and letting me get some of this out. ",Bipolar +46343,"Rexulti experiences I’m thinking about asking my pdoc about Rexulti. I’m really not happy right now with my AP (Haldol) and the number of side effects I’m experiencing, particularly elevated prolactin levels. However, when I tried Abilify in the past it made me psychotic, and I’m worried because I hear Rexulti functions a lot like Abilify. So I’d like to know what everyone’s experiences are for those who do or have taken Rexulti? What side effects did you experience? What did you like or dislike about it? I just want to know a bit more about it generally. + +Thank you!",Bipolar +46344,"Does your depression start similar to this- Hi all, so I think I have been misdiagnosed as ""just"" depression. I have a serious question: can you be basically feeling okay and just one thing starts the downward spiral? I was good over the holidays and then my daughter canceled our New Years Days plans-it seriously started me on a suicidal depression. Then I somehow pulled myself out and three days ago my son got annoyed with me asking him if he knew where his brother was...(no fight or anything-just annoyance in his answer to me). Then I went down again- this time is worse. Actually have wondered about hospitalization. The ONLY THING I am functioning at is my job-cause I have to. If BP is chemical is it impossible to be set off by one little thing? Thanks ahead for your answers.",Bipolar +46345,"This song gets me right in the feels. It has actually helped me get through some hard days. I want to share it in case it can help someone else. It doesn’t just push that, it’s ok! Try hard! Vibe. It’s a, fuck man this is hard. Keep fighting, vibe for me. + +I also think the song writer might be bipolar from the rest of the songs. So many just hit so close to home. + +[Stronger than Dead. Amigo the devil](https://youtu.be/J281bgTo_q0)",Bipolar +46346,"Could my Depakote have caused depression? Long story short I've been on Depakote (with a few others in cocktail) for a while. Hit year long depression that has just stuck. Doctors and I have been working on it but nothing seemed to work. Pdoc and I determined Depakote speed working for me so I'm switching to lithium. Now that I'm titrating off of Depakote I'm already starting to feel a tiny bit better. It's too early for the lithium to be kicking in... I don't feel 100% but I don't wake up wanting to die or hating the world. + +I googled it but didn't see anything about it causing depression. I've had my levels checked regularly and recently and they were on the low side of normal/healthy so it's not poisoning. + +Anyone experience increased depression on it? I know ultimately it won't matter for me because I'm coming off of it but I'm curious nonetheless.",Bipolar +46347,"Distraught over symptoms and diagnosis I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 over summer after being hospitalised for a manic episode where I became acutely psychotic. Since then I’ve experience a mixed episode,during which I displayed psychotic symptoms and have been pretty stable for about two weeks. Last week I became really paranoid for a few days. I feel very suspicious of my parents, who I live with, and kept thinking they had been altered and weren’t their original selves. I also had several auditory hallucinations for just one day. This whole this is extremely worrying as I have been violent when psychotic before (if I feel my life’s in danger, I’ll fight and have assaulted staff). + +I have a great MH team but I’m hiding things from them, I don’t want to tell them about potential psychotic stuff because I can’t face it, I can’t face them suggesting I’m Schizoaffective or prone to psychosis or this is going to happen again. I just don’t want to even think about it. I don’t want this to be happening. I’ve worked hard to get into university and want to get my degree and not be sick (already been signed off for like two month - drs orders). + +I think if they suggest I might be regularly psychotic or more than BP (which I’m already struggling with) I might end it. I don’t want to put people through episodes time and time again, the last ones were hellish enough and it’s not fair. I’m drinking to cope but am epileptic and constantly consumed by guilt. My parents are away for two weeks and I’ve asked for them to be cut out I’m my care updates whilst they’re away so they can enjoy their holiday. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this. ",Bipolar +46348,Finally done with Seroquel and Zoloft I know cold Turkey is so bad for you but I did it and successfully transferred to depakote and ritalin which has changed my days. I don't lay around wanting to die anymore. I don't want to eat everything in sight. And for the first time I'm organized. Seroquel 200mg is what I was taking until I started having chest pains and my clothes didn't fit anymore. 200mg zoloft fucked me up worse than anything. Especially the weird withdrawal. Seroquel made me sweat like a hoe in church quitting it. I'm so glad I stuck it out because I am definitely not a good candidate for seroquel or zoloft. I feel good. Not overly emotional or depressed. I feel like me again. ,Bipolar +46349,"Lamictical and depakote Okay! Sorry in advance on mobile. + +So June 1, 2018 I had my third child. I was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago and never really took eating healthy very seriously. After I had my third baby, I lost my mind. + +Anyways, we started working with a doctor and trying to find treatment. She started me off with lamictical (? Spelling) and I had never been happier! It worked wonderfully and it was the best two months of my mental health in a VERY long time (at least 10 years). While I was upping my doses slowly, I got the dreaded rash. So off of that. Since then I’ve been on at least 7 different kinds of medication and keep having to switch because of side effects ruining my life. (Everything from weight gain, to hallucinations). I still haven’t lost any of the weight that meds caused me to gain (at least 50 pounds). + +I went and saw my doctor today and she wants me to be on a mix of depakote (extended release because immediate didn’t work) and fluoxetine. + +I’m asking for any and all advice. Trying this many different meds in such a short amount of time is awful. It’s taking a toll on not just me, but my family. I need to get this crap figured out! I’m almost to a point where I don’t wanna be medicated at all because apparently?! None work for me. I’m so disappointed and discouraged. + +Has anyone had this cocktail of meds and had it work? + + + +",Bipolar +46350,"PSA: Steroids And Worsening Of Bipolar Symptoms Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, so please always consult with yours when you seek medical treatment. + +I don't see this talked about enough. It's flu season and many of us may become sick and be prescribed steroids. + +Steroids have the chance of worsening bipolar symptoms and may send you into a mixed episode or manic episode or worse. + +If you are prescribed steroids, please mention your bipolar diagnosis with your doctor. + +I'm sure there are cases of bipolar people that have taken steroids and have come out fine afterwards. I'm sure there are cases where a bipolar person is required to take steroids as there are infinite personally specific medical conditions and situations. But ask yourself these questions: Have you disclosed your bipolar disorder to the practitioners prescribing steroids? Are you stable? Are you medicated? Do you have the resources to get emergency help should things go wrong? + +I was sick last year and prednisone almost made me kill myself. I had no idea that steroids could make my bipolar disorder worse. I spent over a week in hell as it left my system. Apparently, it even awakens bipolar disorder in otherwise stable bipolars. If anyone has any evidence to the contrary or input or experience, please post. + +These might not be the best links, but maybe you guys will find better ones. + +https://www.verywellmind.com/steroids-and-bipolar-disorder-379733 + +https://www.mdedge.com/psychiatry/article/62206/corticosteroid-induced-mania-prepare-unpredictable + +https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3896137/ + + +",Bipolar +46351,"Is this me? /off my chest/ I'm not asking legit medical advice, all I'm wondering is some direction in why I am the way I am. and at the same time it's a bit of an / off my chest /. I've never felt quiet right, but I tried to accept it as I never wanted to be categorized as someone who's mentally ill. But lately I notice I'm getting worse and the only way to describe it for me when I found the word 'Manic depression'/'Bipolar'. It's as if I felt understood for the first time. A lot of my time I spend alone on my room, except when I go out to meet friends. So my family doesn't know much of my personality. Last summer I had a job at the same restaurant my sister works and she/coworkers noticed how I'm often staring into space while smiling, and this is a big part of me. Whenever I experience this full on power high feeling, as described by people during manic depression, I get lost in my fantasies and I feel as if the world surrounding me no longer exist and build up whole scenario's and imagine people to be near me. For example I would imagine to be in a big house, while holding a conversation with a person I want to speak with and I would laugh at their jokes as if it were their jokes. most of the time my life is amazing in these deep daydreams, sometimes they could be described as another persons nightmare. I'm not even hating this. I feel a part of it is a coping mechanism which goes hand in hand with my natural creativity. And I love the force of energy I have during these moments. How I can smile as if I'm drunk just by staring and thinking about all the amazing things i can accomplish. by thinking how charming I am. And then the next second I could cry. I'm not sure if it's how I really feel, sad. Or if it's an overload of happiness that makes me sad in the moment. ButI really burst of energy in which I actually do accomplish a lot. I know it's not a healthy me, but it's the best version of myself if I want to get things done. I feel as if it isn't totally me, but more a phase. But I love who I am during this phase. Because the other part of me is depressed and has no energy. I hate admitting to this part, because while I know my life situation sucks and would had likely made anyone insane, and as I have experienced horrible things and have anxiety, I hate accepting that a big other side of me is useless by depression. As I feel like I'm constantly trying to fight it and these moments of feeling high/happy actually make me feel at times as if I'm on the right track. But now I read more about this subject, I feel I'm not winning any battle at all when feeling high on energy, is just another extreme on the spectrum. The weirdest thing I have done in these daydreams is travel to another country because I felt like i could(financielle it wasnt the greatest choice), like it could be amazing. I fell asleep in the airplane and once I woke up i was wondering what I was doing. I don't regret it and still had an okay time for a couple of days, but i do notice it isn't normal behaviour and cried one night wishing to be home again. + + +I'm planning to upload soon a cover of me singing on the internet, but i'm slightly afraid of the attention among friends I will get, as it will likely impact my emotions. I'm not into getting attention as it will bring out either side of me, but I never know which one. Sigh, will be a rollercoaster. ",Bipolar +46352,League of Legends Does anyone here play LoL? If so I would love to play with you. I am on the NA server and my username is Summ0ner Name,Bipolar +46353,Topamax side effects I have been on it for over 6 months and I've lost so much hair. I got off other meds thinking it was the problem but it's still happening. I looked it up last night and it seems to be a big issue with some. So I decided I'm stopping it because I hardly have any hair left. It's awful. Anyone else experienced hair loss?,Bipolar +46354,"Welp, giving up on sleep for tonight. What do y'all do to help insomnia? I'm more than a week now of laying in bed for hours before finally falling asleep. For the last four days I got up after 2:00 pm. I'm assuming I'm in a mixed episode so hopefully it'll change soon. Getting real ????? of this shit. + +Of course now that I decided to give up I'm quite sleepy again + +>7:42am + +??",Bipolar +46355,"Managing bipolar disorder without a doctor Hey there! +My partner is struggling with bipolar disorder for a few years already. But she stopped visiting doctor almost half a year ago and her problems got worse. It seems she doesn't want to start visiting him again in spite of we spoke about it a lots of times and she told me she will. +In case you stopped with your therapy, what did make you to start with it again? I know that as long as she doesn't want to do anything, I can't force her. But I would appreciate an advise if there's at least some way how I can help.",Bipolar +46356,"I feel like bipolar is ignored. Anyone know any good mental health nonprofits that actually support bipolar? I've liked TWLOHA since I was in high school because of their dedication to preventing suicide and they were really connected to the music scene I was into, but now as I'm older and diagnosed, I'll listen to their podcasts and watch their social media and there's nothing that ever acknowledges bipolar. Just depression and anxiety. I feel like most organizations are this way. They support anxiety and depression because they're the trendy things to support while things like bipolar, borderline and schizophrenia are still too scary and inappropriate to mention. I'd really like to see an organization that recognizes bipolar and supports more mental illnesses than just depression and anxiety. Anyone know of any good ones? In the US, so ones available in the US preferred.",Bipolar +46357,"How do I start the process of SSI for bipolar? From the ground up. No records of doctors, psychiatrists, medications, psychologists, nothing. Currently I have no primary care physician, no psych or shrink, nothing. I am ensured with medicaid. A single, very recent, 52/50 on file. I am 21. I am homeless, have no family, and no assets. I know this will be long. I'm just looking for the first step. I started displaying manic depressive symptoms as a young child but was never treated for it. Left home as a minor. No basic education. Just seeking someone who has been there or somewhere similar before who can offer me advice. Sorry if it's the wrong sub ",Bipolar +46358,"[Discussion of Suicide, Trigger, Rant] Those well-meaning but ignorant people who repeat anecdotes about ""people who survived jumping off the bridge realized all their problems could be solved except [gravity- ed.] And the trite ""majority of people who attempt suicide are glad they didn't suicide."" And any other platitudes from Chicken Soup for Suicsplainer's Soul, *shut up* *shut up* *shut up*. + +I'm not even suicidal right now but it pisses me off to no end to hear people reciting 4th hand *wrong* shit in an attempt to shut down conversation about this. Some of it doesn't even make sense. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem? + +Last I checked, bipolar disorder is a permanent problem. ",Bipolar +46359,"Stress and Bipolar I'm under some pressure at the moment with exams. I think the adrenaline rush which comes from the time pressure is pushing me towards (hypo)mania. + +How do you deal with stress? What happens to your mood? Is there anything you do to prevent an episode? + +Thanks",Bipolar +46360,"I no longer see this as an illness I was diagnosed 4 years ago after a psychotic episode. Tried many medications to control the swings including Depakote, Lithium, Quetiapine and so on. Nothing worked and I started thinking about that. This 'illness' is not understood in any capacity. No one knows why people get it, no one knows how medication works or if it will work. The medication is proven to be severely damaging to our bodies and often meds stop working all together but are difficult to stop taking due to withdrawals. I'm not anti med in anyway, but I'm anti long term meds. No doubt medication has helped during acute episodes but keeping me on them long term did more damage to my life than good. + +&#x200B; + +I've been volunteering, writing music, walking. If I feel depressed I accept that. I lay in bed and cry, and that's okay I think. I feel much better saying to myself 'you have extreme moods swings, experience them' rather than 'you have extreme mood swings, you need to suppress that as well as all your other emotions.' + +&#x200B; + + I've started looking for alternative ways to bring myself some peace. I have been off medication for two months now and have really enjoyed the lows and highs I've been experiencing. I feel more like myself, I don't have the constant sedation. I've stopped thinking 'why do I feel this way' and just experience my emotions without any judgement or thinking that there's something wrong with me. Bipolar can be a gift, to experience life in ways others cannot. + +&#x200B; + +I think being told that bipolar is a bad thing and it's an illness did me so much more harm than if had been told that i'm ok the way I am, I just need to learn how to experience it whilst keeping myself safe.",Bipolar +46361,"How do I tell my family and friend that I have Bipolar 1 Disorder? My family knows that I have Bipolar 1 Disorder, but my in-laws have no idea. Most of my friends don’t know, either. How do I tell them without them thinking less of me, or thinking I’m fragile and weak?",Bipolar +46362,Melatonin Has anyone tried this (in combination with other meds)?,Bipolar +46363,"Depakote + weed? I honestly haven't smoked weed since I started taking meds (125mg Depakote, 3x / day), so I have no experience with mixing the two. Leading up to my diagnosis I was honestly smoking weed way too much and just kind of self medicating my problems in a way that wasn't particularly constructive with a lot of weed and alcohol. + +But okay, that said, I am capable of moderation - I can do a glass of wine here or there without totally flying off the handle, and I have done so while taking my Depakote with no noticeable differences (and I was on a much higher dose at one point while doing so). What I haven't tried, since meds, is weed. + +This is not the type of question I feel comfortable asking a doctor since weed is still very, very illegal where I live LOL and I am aware redditors can not dispense reliable medical advice (and I am also aware that it is not allowed on this sub). Luckily, I'm not looking for advice - I'm looking for personal experiences. + +I am curious if anyone else has EXPERIENCE mixing depakote and weed? Did it make it more sedating? Did it make you paranoid or jittery? Was everything exactly the same? Is depakote and the occasional, rare high any more dangerous than depakote and the occasional, rare glass of wine or beer?",Bipolar +46364,"Weird hypomania, or am I just an idiot? Ever since my diagnosis 2 years ago I've gotten pretty good at recognizing my hypo/manic symptoms...after the fact at least, but more than a few times I've had experiences where I just have one, maybe two symptoms for a week or two, then one or two days that might actually qualify as something. + +Uniformly it's pleasurable/risky behavior/ being more goal oriented. I have pretty high self esteem all the time unless I'm depressive so I can't use it to judge (unless it's gotten to the point where I think about running for office or starting a cult, that's pretty obvious) + +I don't get flight of ideas, sleeplessness, distracted, pressured speech, etc during these times. When I'm full blown hypo/manic I get at least 50% of the above. + +So what does this mean? Is it hypo-hypomania? Am I just making stupid or rash decisions?",Bipolar +46365,A seed of delusion Yesterday I really thought for a minute that it was not out of the realm of possibility that I could live forever. It didn't take me that long to snap out of it but it's just so weird to know that my mind can do that. Interesting life we are living I guess.,Bipolar +46366,"I'm going off meds, and I'm not telling my doc. I'm tired of the side effects and feeling like a numb lazy blob. I want to feel again. I'm going to take my gabapentin, clonidine, and smoke CBD (<2% THC). But everything else is being put away. I need to be functional, not just calm. ",Bipolar +46367,"Wwwwooo guys I feel ssso great right now (had a couple shots) while the family is gone. It's great but sucks cause I gotta pretend to be more sober when they get back. I'm fucking up though for real I don't know if my meds are working and kinda want to stop but don't want my psych to take me off of a stimulant cause I need my job as much as mental health. I've been drinking because everything was so meh but I think if I stop my meds I will be great for a bit then hit some lows, I don't want to do that but I do. We'll see.......",Bipolar +46368,"Anyone else use domesticated rats as emotional support animals? I have bipolar and my partner has depression and PTSD. He has tried many of the strong antidepressants. Not much effect. He recalled that, when he was a child of 10, he had a pet rat whom he very much loved. A few days ago some extra money came our way and we decided to acquire two rats as pets for him (and, secondarily, for me). + +Bust my buttons! He has been engaged, task-oriented, energized, calm--all since the rat adoption. Today we got a third because--well, how could we resist. He has been playing with the rats, feeding them, tending to them, and just letting them ride in the hood of his sweatshirt. I have not seen him this euthymic and equable since August. + +Does anyone else have a similar story about rats as emotional support animals? Or emotional support animals that have had as dramatic an effect?",Bipolar +46369,"How do you make your brain shut up? Abilify has stopped my racing thoughts that pile on top of each other, but I now have a new problem of ordered thoughts that I can make sense of, then I have to answer all my own questions. It's just as exhausting and I need a way to shut it up/down/out that doesn't involve illicit drugs or alcohol. What do you do to quieten your mind?",Bipolar +46370,"feeling down trigger warning: talks about grief and mourning + +Hi everyone! I thought I'd check in though I haven't been all that active in this community recently. By all accounts I'm doing pretty well- I'm successful in my job and have settled into the city I've moved to for about a year. Starting to form some social connections and am in therapy. It's been 1 year since my last hospital visit and my symptoms are really going down. I also started following one of my passions and started writing a book about my mental health experiences. + +what I want to chat about is how you all keep it together when life throws you some shitty stuff? My grandma passed away recently, and my family is still dealing with stuff about her passing. We were very close and I hadn't seen her in about a year since I live on the other side of the country. I ended up not going to the funeral but shared some memories that my family read. I won't get into details here but we may also sell one of her properties that was very meaningful to me growing up. Her passing also caused some tension in our family, which I'm not personally involved in but still feels stressful. + +Then, totally out of the blue, another person I didn't know well but who worked with me also passed away. I can't help feeling regret about not talking to this person more, and wish that I had spent more time to do that. Actually, I'm feeling that about my grandma as well. Looking for any suggestions about how to keep it positive when you're dealing with tough stuff like this? I feel a lot of regret and sadness about not spending more time with these people. I also feel a little bit of disillusionment and a little hopeless just generally thinking about how our time on earth is limited. It's also wintertime, so I think that's contributing too. Has anyone been dealing with anything similar, or gotten through something like this?",Bipolar +46371,"Keep taking Wellbutrin through manic episode?? I don’t have any antipsychotics or mood meds besides Lithium that i haven’t taken in months and I have to wait 2 days before going to doctor + +Should i skip my Wellbutrin dose?? 300mg XR. Incase it’s making mania worse? ",Bipolar +46372,"Attention issues and bipolar This is maybe somewhat unrelated to bipolar, but have any of you experienced really bad attention issues? Mine have been bad since before I was medicated and I always attributed it to (what I thought was purely) depression or now bipolar but it hasn’t gotten better through my medication. + +Now medication hasn’t made it worse, but I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t believe it’s ADD because I haven’t been dealing with it since I was a child just since I was around 14. + +Any advice or personal stories?",Bipolar +46373,"does anyone else have severe Dermatophagia? Hi this is a throwaway account because I don't want my irl friends to see this. + +&#x200B; + +I've always been a nail biter. But what I really am is a nail eater. and a toe nail biter. But I usually use a knife and cut up my skin around my nails and chew on it... and eat it. uhh. Its fucking nasty. I cant control it. I also bite the insides of my lips and shit. I also take mucus out of my eyes to discard it. I scrape oil out of my face with my fingernails. Ill bite and pull moles out of my body. + +&#x200B; + +I used to be a cutter but I don't do that anymore. I've been a nail biter basically forever but not until recently did I realize that I do all of this things all over my body. but I use a fucking knife and swallow it. What the fuck is wrong with me. im such a fucking freak :(( + +&#x200B; + +does anyone have advice on how I can fix this? have any of you had experience with this. sorry for being gross. thank you in advance",Bipolar +46374,"Color Immersion Does anyone find themselves enchanted by colors and unable to pull yourself away while manic or having symptoms? + +I spent 15 minutes in a red tiled stairwell (old, faded, worn tiles) today and missed my train. Worth it. ",Bipolar +46375,"Is ""feeling like someone or something isn't quite real to me"" a sign of something? If so what? I started lithium 450mg a week ago today. On Sunday night I wrote + +>Good. But I've noticed all day and a little bit yesterday that it's weird that other creatures/people are alive. I have looked at my dog a few times and my brain is confused that she is real. That's probably not good? The feeling/thought fades and doesn't worry me. I'm not getting manic about it. Like, I don't gaf that it happened. Whatever. I believe she's real. I'm taking my meds. So I'm confused as to why that would happen. + +Nothing else weird had happened. I was with my husband all day and he didn't notice anything strange. Is that a normal feeling to have or is it something that comes along with having bipolar? Im sure if it is it will continue to fade as I level out my lithium levels.",Bipolar +46376,"Looking for tips for my husband My husband was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II. He hasn’t been able to be in our home because he is actively in his illness and it’s just not good for our child to be around. But because of this added stress of not being home he’s been in a really bad place mentally, like worse than ever. I’ve been trying to help but there’s not really much I can do beyond just encouraging him to learn more about Bipolar disorder, talking to him, listening, etc. I don’t really know much myself, and I’m worried about him. Can any of you guys tell me what knowledge or practice has helped you most? Maybe groups to connect with other people who experience this? + +Sorry if this is redundant to other questions asked, and TIA. ",Bipolar +46377,"New to reddit, please forgive my possible lack of etiquette: My SO (in recovery from substance abuse) goes through episodes of depression quite frequently. Usually at night, and leading to suicidal thoughts and/or ideation. I want to help her so bad, but I don't know how. She lives in a sober house where most medications that have worked for her in the past are not allowed and if she were to take them on the low, she would be evicted outright. I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen. I trust her to call someone before it escalates to an intolerable level, but shit if I'm not still worried for the girl. Please... I want to be strong for her but I'm terribly inexperienced and unequipped to give her any real advice. ",Bipolar +46378,"My job is triggering a really bad depressive faze. I really really hate my job, and it's exacerbating everything else. I'm constantly stressed, I want to die just so I don't have to keep going to that hell hole just to survive. I've been looking for a new job and so far no call backs. +I've taken to drinking to numb everything, I'm so anxious all the time it feels like I'm on a never ending rollercoaster. +I have diagnosed bipolar type 2 and general anxiety disorder that I am not currently medicated for, but I can't get myself to just call around to get in to a doctor +I promise I will not kill myself, but I can't stop thinking about just dying to escape. I fantasize about natural disasters wiping out my town daily. I want a nearby volcano to blow, or a meteor to hit me. +My house is a disaster, I can hardly bathe more than once a week (pretty proud of myself for actually keeping my teeth brushed more often than not recently) I just hope I hit a manic episode soon just for a break from this depression, but I don't think that's going to happen until I get a new job. +If you've made it this far thank you for reading my rambling.",Bipolar +46379,"FDA approves Generic Latuda ! GoodRx mentions Lupin, but the FDA site lists several other pharmaceutical companies. Hopefully these work just as good as the brand name latuda, and are significantly lower in cost. + +https://www.goodrx.com/blog/fda-approves-generic-latuda-lurasidone-schizophrenia-bipolar-depression/ + +https://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DevelopmentApprovalProcess/HowDrugsareDevelopedandApproved/DrugandBiologicApprovalReports/ANDAGenericDrugApprovals/",Bipolar +46380,"Latuda? Thoughts? I’ve been through abilify that caused anxiety, seroquel which made me groggy and most recently zyprexa which made it impossible for me to wake up. Prior to all of these I was only on lamictal and Wellbutrin which had been working well until a hypomanic episode this summer. I begged my doctor to take me off of zyprexa which he did reluctantly. He mentioned Latuda. Has Latuda worked well for anyone. Your input is appreciated. ",Bipolar +46381,"A sense of place Hi guys....this is a post I've been thinking of making for a while, but I have a hard time wording it. It's one of the big things I struggle with and I think it contributes to my anxiety and depression, but I don't know how to express it to others. + +Here it is: I grew up in a rural area, and I hated it. When I went away to college at age 18, I moved to a suburb outside of a major city, met great new people from all over the world, explored the city even though the college is about a 30 min drive/subway ride from it. Basically.....I had fun, felt comfortable with the people around me, explored new places, and felt proud of where I was even though, to others, it was a bland suburb. + +Ever since finishing college, I have been searching for that feeling again: that feeling of just being in the right spot, where I need to be. + +It's been almost 15 years since I left that area. Since then, I've lived in 3 different places, two suburbs of major cities and downtown in a mid-size city. + +Everywhere I go, I long for that feeling of knowing that where I am is a perfect fit....that feeling I only had for the six years (Bachelors and Masters at the same college) I lived in that suburb, at my college. + +I now live in a suburb of another major city...basically the same distance (about 30 min) away from the city, but with good public transportation so I can go to the city anytime I want...just like the suburb where I went to college. I have met a few great friends here. It is basically the same situation (suburb of a large city, good friends, good public transit to put me in the city when I want to go there).......but I almost hate it here. + +It doesn't make any sense! My husband is obsessed with buying a house here (which is a crazy fantasy bc there's no way we can afford a downpayment anytime soon, but that's a whole other issue), and I almost get panic attacks thinking about staying here for the rest of my life. + +And yet, every time we move, I'm dissatisfied there, too. My husband says that if it were up to me, we'd just keep moving from place to place for the rest of our lives because whenever we end up somewhere, I immediately start talking about moving somewhere else. + +On paper these places are basically the same as the place where I felt the most comfortable, but they don't feel right...in the three places I've lived since leaving that college, I've felt like a puzzle piece that just doen't fit. + +I guess i'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way: a sense of never being in the place where you belong....or is this just my own anxiety that's for some reason clinging to this particular issue? + +I hope this makes sense. I've been trying to explain it to my husband and a number of psychiatrists over the year, and they just don't seem to get it.",Bipolar +46382,"What did you wish you knew sooner? If you could go back and tell yourself (or someone newly dx) advice about living with BP that you wish you knew then, what would that be? + +I would say: + + Sometimes all you can do is endure an episode until it passes. It might not get better yet despite doing everything right to take care of yourself and that isn't failure. You're doing the work. + +Know what's at stake. Mental illness can take whatever it wants and never give it back. Your hopefulness and dedication can save you + +Gather at least one or two people you can tell when you're becoming unwell, with whom you can ""just be"". Whether that's a space to talk, a couch to lie on, monitor you, wellness check ins, people who know when to call your doctor or 911. + +be honest with care providers about how bad it is. Showing up well when you are not well is preventing you from getting necessary care. + +Some people won't stay in your life because of what happens when you're sick. It will hurt. This has nothing to do with your worthiness of love and care and connection. You're not bad. + +There will be terrible regrets for what you have done while unwell. One of the few ways I have found to heal is to dispel the crippling shame with whatever forgiveness and empathy. I will do right in the future. I am going to win. + +Of course... All of these come to me while I'm in remission and experiencing wellness. + +Thank you for reading. I'm hoping to learn from all of you who respond. +",Bipolar +46383,"New Meds...and i'm nervous. Weening on Lithium. [Long] Well, i've been on the Lithium train for almost 2 years now, but unfortunately its started to give me painful cystic acne. I've never had acne problems before, even in high school. i would get maybe *one* zit every once in awhile. So, having this acne suddenly for no reason was affecting my self confidence a lot. Not only that, Lithium was also severely affecting my short term memory, so after much deliberation, My pdoc has decided to ween me off. + +Here's where it gets scary to me. I haven't had a med change since February of 2017, besides a few Lithium tweaks here and there. I've been pretty stable for months and my blood tests have been alright. But...I'm terrified of going back on the roller coaster. + +This med change was somewhat needed. I have been hallucinating *a lot*. i hear voices, see things that aren't there, etc. I've also been so paranoid to the point i dont leave my house much other than work and back. I refuse to go to a store, and i refuse to go out anywhere in public where there's people because i'm convinced they are going to kill me. *sigh*. anyways, its gotten pretty bad so she's started me on Risperdone (a.k.a Risperdal) and something to help me sleep, Restoril (Temazepam). + +I'm mostly nervous to come off of Lithium, and i would appreciate any advice from people that have. Will I need to watch my moods extra carefully? what were withdrawals like? + +and my next questions: anyone have any experience with Risperdone and Temazepam? + +Thank you in advance <3",Bipolar +46384,"Will You Take Medications For The Rest of Your Life? It’s been 2 years since I was hospitalized for a manic/psychotic episode where I was diagnosed with bipolar. Over the course of 5 months post-hospitalization I tried a myriad of medical concoctions including lithium, abilify, latuda, and many others whose name I’ve since forgotten. Whether due to the depressive episode that came directly after my manic one or the terrible side effects I decided I would go off medications. + +So now it’s been 19 months since I’ve taken any medications. I’ve avoided drugs, alcohol, and other stressors. I make sure to sleep 8-10 hours a day, eat healthy, drink lots of water, workout, meditate, etc. and it seems like I’ve been stable. I still get occasional periods of depression which I easily ride out or bursts of hypomania which makes life easier however all delusions/serious effects have all but disappeared. + +I recognize however that can be an illusion and at any point, things can spin outside of my control. So recently I got a pdoc to write a prescription for Latuda, however, I haven’t picked up the medication yet because I’m starting to question whether I should get back on it. + +This is primarily because I feel like the effects of long-term medication use can have irreversible consequences on the brain. It doesn’t help that we have had 0 longitudinal studies showing the effects of staying on these medications for 20+ years (if there are, I'd love to see them!). So given that I’m currently stable, I am having a hard time convincing myself to start taking medications indefinitely. I understand some people cannot function without their medication, however, I’m lucky to not be part of that cohort (for now). + +Anyways I’m not advocating that anyone stop taking medications but I am curious how others view this topic, do you intend on sticking with medications for the rest of your life?",Bipolar +46385,"Hallucinations? Hey, I'm in the process of switching therapist/psychiatrist so I'm coming here for now. + +Can it be auditory hallucinations if the sounds/voices you hear are familiar? Like, I'll hear my kids, or my phone, or someone say my name. I've even thought I heard my kids playing, but when i went in to fuss they were sleep. My husband says it's happened to him before, but it happens to me regularly. Right now it's multiple times a day. I stopped asking if my husband hears them too bc the last few times he didn't. So here I am. ",Bipolar +46386,Lamotragine and menstrual cycles Has anyone experienced way shorter menstrual cycles after starting lamotragine? I’m usually on a 25-26 day cycle and lately it’s been 19-20 which is not normal. ,Bipolar +46387,"Looking for a new job while in school. Any suggestions? I want to go back to school, but the classes I need to take at the community college are in the mornings and afternoons. I work a full-time job 8:30 to 5:30 to support myself. I've been looking for a job where I can start later in the afternoon and work full-time. Anyone have suggestions or share experience if you have been in my situation.",Bipolar +46388,"Hello, concerned daughter here Hello, + +I hope this isn't against the rules but I'm posting here hoping to find some advice and a little support. I'm (f26) from Holland and my mom (55) has been in the psychiatric hospital for about 3 months now. +Looking back, I guess she already hit a manic state about 7 months back. The trigger seemed to be a renovation (of the whole area) that started in September 2018. She was constantly worried that I was going to be raped by the construction crew. At a certain I wasn't allowed to do any chores at home and she started treating me like I was 9 or something. + +Then she stopped taking her meds, she offered her body to a friend (even though she is disgusted by sex) and started going on shopping sprees. + +She only got commited cuz she kept me up at night for a week straight, which sorta forced her to seek help. Now she blames me for getting her commited. She also told me my stepdad doesn't want to have sex with me because I'm fat (I have been diagnosed with c-ptsd because of past abuse of a familymember so this was extremely hurtful on multiple levels). She accused me trying to control her when I asked her why she didn't pay rent, and suddenly my boyfriend is too dumb and autistic to function and she hates his guts. + +This isn't even half of the things she has done or said. I'm am tired and exhausted. She suddenly came home today, late at night, because she claims she is getting abused by the everyone and she left. I quickly packed a bag and left to go to my stepdads house, she freaked out, started yelling then asked her if I could forgive her. + +Here's the thinge, I don't doubt it that she will get better. But I am constantly incredible angry and upset, I have no patience anymore. I am constantly swinging between being scared she is going to hurt herself and just hoping that she does, just so I can be done with all of this. +I feel guilty and I am just drained of all my energy all the damn time. + +Is there anything I can do? Is there any advice you guys have for me when dealing with my mother? I don't want to hate her after all of this is done. + +P.s. I am already looking at other housing options and an in-house therapist of my doctors clinic is helping me trying to get urgency to move. I am also in a lot of contact with the people from the mental facility my mom is commited in. School is also quite aware of what is going on, I can always stay at my stepdads house (who has never done anything weird to me, ever) and my boyfriend is an angel who is always ready to help me. I am exercising, eating right and always try to get 8 hours of sleep. + +tldr: mom is manic and borderline abusive, driving me crazy. I don't want to hate her after all of this is done, do you have any advice for me?",Bipolar +46389,"Diagnosed Borderline but having my diagnosis looked into. Recent letter mentions the word euthymic over and over after psych said it could of been Bipolar I didn’t know how to write the title to explain my situation so here it goes.. + +I’ve had mental health issues since 14, been in the system since 17. I’m now 32. + +Nan has Schizophrenia on my mother’s side. + +I’ve had two psychotic episodes and my clinical notes state psychotic disorder and borderline personality disorder. + +After being out of the system for several years. I seeked help again after some warning symptoms under a new team. + +Under the new team, I requested that I had my diagnosis looked into again. + +I’ve met with this new team a few times now but the most recent letter from the minutes of that meeting mention the word euthymic three times. + +The psych also stated during that meeting that my previous psychosis ‘could of been bipolar’. + +I’ve researched the word euthymic and I can only find a correlation to Bipolar and no results on euthymia with Borderline. + +I’m here because I’d like some insight into what they may mean by this ‘euthymic state’. Well, it says euthymic then later on in the mental state part it says ‘euthymic reactive state’. + +Please help shed some light on this, I’m clueless. + +Thanks and love to you all + +TLDR : Psych letter mentions I’m in a euthymic state 3 times but my diagnosis is Borderline however recent psych said my psychosis ‘could of been bipolar’ + + +",Bipolar +46390,"Improving Physique and Body Confidence causing onset of some mania symptoms? Hey guys, I’m a 22 yo male in college and I have been lifting 6 days a week for a while now. I would say I’m pretty built and over the last few weeks I have definitely been becoming more defined (guess that happens when the holiday season and all the food that comes with it finishes haha). My body confidence is definitely improving and my attitude in general has become better because of it. The issue is the last time I really looked good it caused me to almost have too much confidence and for someone with bipolar I feel this could be an issue. The last time I crashed there were a lot more factors involved and I have learned a lot since. I do not drink alcohol anymore and I have cut back my marijuana usage substantially. I am currently eating a normal amount of food and getting enough sleep everyday. But I’m noticing some possible signs of some type of mania coming if I’m not careful. This means I will probably have to up my meds dealing with the mania, but these meds often cause weight gain, so taking more may take away a lot of what I have worked for exercise-wise. I feel like I’m stuck in that I have to make a choice between my mental and physical health (along with my body confidence). I will obviously choose mental health if push comes to shove because I do not want to experience the same crash that I did last time, but it just feels unfair. + +Has anyone had some type of experience with this? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist coming up and I’m wondering what is best to say to her. It’s just a really frustrating scenario I haven’t seen talked about before. Thank you for reading!",Bipolar +46391,"Does anyone get voices in your head that seems like running commentary in various voices? Sorry if I'm not describing it too well.... + +Usually when I get auditory hallucinations they don't sound like they're coming from insidemy head, it might sound as though it's across the room. But recently I've been hypomanic and maybe even going towards manic the past few nights I've definitely been hearing things on and off but tonight I can't control what seems like this constant running commentary. I've been laying trying to sleep for nearly 4 hours so far and keep getting interrupted with multiple random conversation tid bits or shouting in various voices etc. I feel like my brain is going a million miles a minute! + +Anyway I just want to know if anyone else knows what I'm talking about? I hope it makes sense.",Bipolar +46392,"Motivation to take medication Hey guys! I'm really struggling to take my medication lately, family or friends can't really understand why it's so hard to do and to be honest I'm not really sure. What do you guys do to keep yourself taking it consistently? ",Bipolar +46393,"Help! Overwhelming lust, and no idea if this is just soooo hot or if feelings are due to barely sleeping for weeks and brain being a mess We have been talking just over a week. + +He wants to get me and basically have me live with him and be his domestic helper, which i love since that is my pesonalirt anyway. But i am also usually frigid have ptsd and dont feel things for people easily + +But omg he is soooo hot and i feel the most ovrrpowering lust. My bidy hurts so much. + +We have nothing in common, he almost exclusively talks about sex, is smart, a lawyer, but might be a sex addict but i kind of dont mind at all + +Then this other guy has entered my life who i hace tons more in common with + +He hasnt sent a picture yet but if i was thinking rationally he would be someone i have real longterm potential with + +But the other guy is so sexually forward and hotnand i cant resist him for some reason, he is like a vampire amd l want him to drink my blood .. Not really but kind of if you get what i mean + +I am somewhere with mold which means i have had insomnia for nearly a month + +I should leave but i was helping a family with nine kids and they basically want my help so much and make me feel pressured so i cant go + +The lawyer guy will pick me up and make me his and he is so hot and i need him so badly and i never have flings or do amythig like this but i cant control my desire help :( + +The family here is not down for me to leave until end of month. And that is to go to another over protective family to see if xan sleep there.. But then they want me to come back. They sont believe me about the mold causing insomnnia but this happened to me in the past + +This phone doesnt work well so sorry for all the typos + +Im just so full of burning desire and i already felt this way for another stranger a few weeks ago and poof it just faded practically overnight and i cant tell what is lust and what is genuine and maybe this is all just lust but is still genuine lust and i just sont hink i can resist it + +He sent me a pic of his ex wife giving him a blowjob which i thought was kind of awful since that pic was meant to be private im sure + +But im probably a masochist and like how dominant and narcissistic he is in an awful primal way + +Sorry if i offend anyone + +Help the lust is killing me and he says he is not picking me up sunday and i dont know how to handle this at all ",Bipolar +46394,"Is my therapist at fault or am I being paranoid? F25. I've been seeing my M66 psychiatrist for the past 2 years and everything has been great. He's always been a very good professional and never made me feel uncomfortable. Considering that I've known how he approaches therapy for 2 years now, I find it very strange that he has suddenly changed our boundaries - and without asking me. + +First thing, is that one day instead of a good bye handshake he said ""I'm going to hug you today"", and he did so. I didn't mind (goodbye hugging is very common in my culture) but I don't like that he didn't ask first if that was ok instead of just announcing it and going for it. + +He proceeded with doing this again after every session since then. Then last time he kissed me on the cheek (also common and non-sexual way to say goodbye in my culture) but still strange as he's never done it before. He also called me once to check on me and ask how I was feeling (I had just lost my dad so maybe that's fine) but he's also never done that before all these years. + +Today I cancelled our next appointment because something came up, and he said ok but I have to pay for it anyway, which I know some therapists do but 1) mine never does and 2) I cancelled way earlier than the timespan that would require me to pay. + +What is going on here? Is this an approach I'm not aware of, is something wrong? + +&#x200B; + +TL;DR: My therapist of two years suddenly crossed some boundaries, which he's never done before and I'm troubled. ",Bipolar +46395,"What are red flags when seeing a psychiatrist? I am meeting with one and she prescribed me abilify +..during the appointment she told me the side effects were sleepiness (that's it) I went home and read up on how it can cause permanent tardive dyskinesia...is that a red flag if she doesnt tell me that?!? Hello I would never take this sh*t if she told me.. now I have to go back another appointment to get a different medication when I couldve done it the first time if she asked me. +I feel like I should switch. +What are signs that the psychiatrist is really bad for you guys??",Bipolar +46396,"i surprise myself. moments when i feel that euphoria while doing something i love. + +share yours. +appreciated.",Bipolar +46397,"::peeks in:: Hey. +It's been a while. How is everyone?",Bipolar +46398,Anyone on geodon? I'm dropping Seroquel and have been prescribed geodon as a substitute to cross titrate to. Anybody taking it and have any thoughts on it? ,Bipolar +46399,"A bit disappointed about psych evaluation I thought I would get a very thorough evaluation but instead I just got 30 minutes of basic questions (I didn't even fill out any forms) and then was told by the pdoc they would treat me for 'bipolar depression'; then I was given a prescription and out the door. I don't know if he thinks it's bipolar 1 or bipolar 2, or if he just hasn't decided yet (can it be tentative?) + +Did I just go to the wrong place? I thought psych evaluations were supposed to be really thorough. It just didn't seem thorough enough to me.",Bipolar +46400,"Once again I screwed up So I woke up this morning and I started to argue with my wife over every thing, I blamed her for my unhappiness. I started telling her what's really going on in my head, like how I just wanted to say screw my job, my house, my life. I went to see doc yesterday. And told her the meds are no longer working so she added lithium. We get back and my wife is mad because I wanted to try something else, I finally tell her I have been thinking of ending it, that's why I wanted new meds. We yell and scream then she leaves. I try and call and all she does is scream at me. Now don't get me wrong I started the fight because I am toxic toward her. I just needed to vent some where. ",Bipolar +46401,"What is your work schedule? For the last 10 years, I've been very firm about keeping a routine schedule. That has varied between jobs, but I always work the same time every day. It seems to have worked well for me. I (28F) am now 7 months pregnant and stressing about how to juggle baby/sleeping/work. Currently I work in hospitality, roughly from 3-11, five days a week but the days are not set. I might have the opportunity to work three days at 11-7 then two days at 3-11. The days would still likely not be set. Part of me says hey, that's great for working out our childcare (husband 30M, is in restaurants and his schedule is all over). Another part of me says don't fix what isn't broken and that's a terrible idea. Please share your schedules, routines, feedback. ",Bipolar +46402,"The mixture I have bipolar type II, schizzoeffective disorder, adhd, and severe anxiety. I take depakote, lamotrigene, geodon for this, and hydroxizone for sleep. The hydroxizone does not work for sleep. Serequel and amatriptileye are too sedating the next morning. I am looking for suggestions on what to ask my psych. nurse for sleep. Do people recommend a psychiatrist as opposed to a nurse practitioner? I have not had much luck with nurse practitioners. I have been struggling with mania symptoms and panic attacks for a year now and have not found solutions. After my brother died in august I had a severe depressive episode that lasted from August until December and they would not put me on an antidepressant to pull me out. I was out of work from October to present because of this, and panic attacks that have been out of control, along with higher than normal blood pressure. This occurred when they put me on the lamotrigene. Higher anxiety and higher blood pressures. Any suggestions for all this mess?",Bipolar +46403,"Nighttime lows? So I'm bipolar and have ADHD, and have been trying to get stable for about 17 years now (wow, it has been a long time, never did the math before). I'm probably the closest I've ever been to being healthy and stable because I've finally found a doctor who listens to me and wants to help, but I've also had life-long sleep issues and when it gets to be 2 or 3 in the morning I just get so depressed and my impulse control goes straight to zero (overeating, impulsive spending, etc.) + +Does anyone else ever deal with nighttime loss of control? If so, how have you dealt with it? I view where I'm at right now, where I'm doing well and a functional human being for ~12 hours a day, as a win, but it just feels like I'll never cross the finish line as long as I lose control at night.",Bipolar +46404,Let’s Talk? Hey guys...anyone down to talk tonight on voice chat or smth else of that nature? Looking for the real human connections I’m so lacking tonight. :(,Bipolar +46405,"How would my BP1 medicine affect an LSD trip? I take Trileptal and Abilify. Recently came into some LSD but am nervous to take it. I’ve tripped plenty of times before and it’s not like my BPD is new, but I’ve never done so on medication. Hoping to get some guidance from you guys on this. Like I said, each of my ~5 experiences thus far have been incredibly positive and helpful to me, but I’m in a good place now and I don’t want to screw anything up. ",Bipolar +46406,"Should I contact BP ex in this situation? (Cross posted from r/bipolar sos.) My BP2 Dumped me last summer in the middle of a mixed episode. Her stated view was that it was because I had made too big a deal out of something to me when she was in a bad space. She left me on the day I had a pretty significant head injury. Because of various medical stuff she had going on at the time, we didn’t really speak much. We had been planning to marry and move together. That didn’t happen. I was completely blindsided by all this. Three months later, I left town for medical treatment. Even though she said she wasn’t going to do this, she completely ghosted me when I left. +My treatment hasn’t really worked. Eight months later now, I am getting closer to being unable to do my work. It looks like I have CTE. I don’t have a whole lot of support in life, in terms of family and other people, and I’m losing my livelihood. My personality has changed. I am not planning to continue my life like this, and I consider it a matter of maintaining some personal dignity in the face of what’s going to be an unpleasant future. Yes, I’ve done everything I can and I’m continuing to try, but I live in the United States, and there’s not a real viable set of alternatives for me. I will probably end my life later this spring or in early summer, when I can wrap up what I need to do to not leave a mess other people have to deal with. This question is not about that decision. I have my dignity, and the prognosis isn’t good. +And I don’t know, because I can’t tell, whether she has ever come out of this phase, or if she’s still in it. +Should I send her a letter and and tell her goodbye? It’s the only unresolved relationship in my life. It would be especially helpful to hear from people with BP. Would you want to hear from me, or would it be better just to find out from other people? She was having a hard time with all relationships at the time, and I don’t believe at least then she hated me. I think she still loved me. I don’t want to do it in such a way that would feel weird and manipulative, I want to give her something tangible that, if she feels anything at all at this point or some point in the future, will let her feel some kind of closure or at least that she wasn’t abandoned. She doesn’t know how bad it’s been or that it’s degenerating. How do I say it?",Bipolar +46407,"/r/MadStudies is a sub for scholarly discussion of mental illness including related published research & theory /r/madstudies is a sub for scholarly discussion of recent publications on the subject of mental health, mental illness, critical psychiatry and psychology. Its intended as a hub to provide a regular feed to subscribers of published articles and relevant discussion. Open to all with an interest in this type of material and related academic issues. + +Thanks to the mods of /r/bipolarreddit for permission to post this notice.",Bipolar +46408,"Relative challenging me over my meds. I was speaking to a close relative the other day and when I said I was feeling a bit grotty he preceded to say it is 'those pills' I am on that is causing my problems and that I should try and stop taking them. He is going through a hard time at present so I didn't try to defend my mental health care plan to him apart from saying how dangerous it is to come off the drugs especially cold turkey. Yet he watches a lot of Yt videos about vaccines and psyche meds and how they are bad or so they say. He has fallen for it. It is as if taking a pill for your brain is unacceptable, but if it was antibiotics he would say in the same sincere manner 'you must take the full course' etc. My brother is the same. He once said to me I shouldn't be proud to take medication. I mean if I can't convince my own family that I need lithium, aripiprazole etc to function than what chance do I have outside of this setting. ",Bipolar +46409,"Anyone else suffer from migraines with prodrome mood swings? If you do, is there a way to tell if it's your mood disorder or an on coming migraine *before* the migraine hits? I always seem to think my sudden mood swings are cause by my bp, and then the migraine hits and I'm like ""okay, that makes more sense.""",Bipolar +46410,"Has anyone here experienced fatigue with Lamictal/Lamotrigine? I've been on lamotrigine for five years now. I cut my dose in half a little over a year ago because it was killing my immune system - my body could barely fight a cold - and I noticed a spike in my energy then. + +It's getting to the point where I'm really worried I've got chronic fatigue or something. I work from home and don't have any kids, so it's not like I have a super hectic lifestyle or anything. I'm wondering if the lamotrigine might be contributing. Thoughts? Experiences?",Bipolar +46411,"I dont know how to keep living like this I just dont know how to live, im on 5 diffrent meds and they are constently getting changed, my girlfriend and best friend of 6 years left me because i am a verbally abusive terrible person when the rage kicks in. i just dont want to live anymore, whats the point of living if all it is is suffering and insanity? ",Bipolar +46412,"Concert Depression Has anyone had the experience of being at a concert and suddenly being overwhelmed by depression and super high anxiety? I recently was at a metal concert and I shutdown completely towards the end of the headliners set. +I’ve been told it has to do with sensory overload? I think it’s happened before, is there anyway to combat it?",Bipolar +46413,Birth control effecting bipolar? Everything was going right and i wasn’t manic or depressed. I quit my medicine a couple months ago and i started taking birth control a month ago. Since the first day of birth control i’m in this weird mood. I’m super depressed then i feel super manic. Is it just my bipolar coming back or is it possible for birth control to mess up with my bipolar? ,Bipolar +46414,"I feel like killing myself, but I might as well see Into the Spider-Verse first. I'm in a really dark place right now. I think I've been in a funky little depressive episode for a while now. I've been cancelling my therapy appointments because I have too much anxiety to talk about my problems, but then, as a drawback, I don't get to talk about my problems. Now I actively want to die, instead of just passively. Last night I stood outside in the cold until my fingers hurt so much I cried (that wasn't the goal, the goal was fresh air, but that's what ended up happening). + +I'm thinking the most likely outcome is that getting out of the house for longer than 30 minutes for the first time in two weeks will improve my mood enough that I'll find some other reason to live past that. But right now all I've got figured out is I'm going to see the movie before I do any dangerous impulsive thing. Sound good?",Bipolar +46415,"Idk if I’m manic but I’m not doing well I don’t know if I’m manic or what’s going on. I was super stable for about 2 months. Very motivated, productive, going to sleep early and waking up early, etc. I think it slowly ramped up to the point where I was out of the house doing school work or going to the gym or eating out or working like 16 hours a day, making big plans, etc. Everything seemed really beautiful, and i think around that point I started to realize I was manic. Then, this past week or two I’ve begun drinking and smoking every night, if I’m sober I feel like buzzing out of my skin. I’ve been hungover for days and I think I’m acrually getting the flu now. The thing is, I don’t exactly feel “manic” anymore, but I don’t feel depressed either. I’m not out being productive like I was at the beginnings of the episode, I generally feel more on edge and tense? Like instead of having a bunch of positive energy, i have more intense or stressed energy? I can’t eat more than a few bites of anything with out getting nauseas, even if I smoke and get the munchies. I’m eating maybe like 500 calories a day, not including alcohol. I can’t sleep unless I smoke. The other day I worked 8 hours, went out drinking all night, slept for 4 hours and then went back and worked an 8 hour shift. I took a test still drunk from the night before and got a 92%. Im going to the gym every other day just because I like the communal energy. + +I don’t really know what I’m getting at here. I guess I just feel sick as fuck from drinking all week and barely eating. But despite feeling sick I still feel like going out and being social. But I don’t feel all positive and motivated like I did at the beginning? Idk what’s going on.",Bipolar +46416,"It’s not that I don’t want to live, it’s that I don’t want to live like this. This is where I am tonight. Sick of all the meds, their side effects, the doctors, therapist, support group, of it all. The sad part of it is that yes it will end; but only when I die. ",Bipolar +46417,"Content with the idea of suicide. Here's why Content with the decision? + +Hi everyone, + +First time poster and visitor. And suicidal. But not in a sad, angry sort of way. Let me explain. + +I have a myriad of uncomfortable, growing, and lifelong genetic disorders that aren't obviously visible. I have lumps everywhere that may be cancerous, and I'm currently in the process of finding out. I also have type 2 bipolar disorder. My teeth, lips, mouth, tonsil, and throat structures are all shades of fucked, meaning I'll need multiple surgeries, braces, and apnea machines in my future. My family has a history of a few kinds of cancer, heart problems, liver problems, balding, and Alzheimer's. I'm freshly in my twenties, so thinking about how ugly this can get for me is seriously worrying and a complete drain on any vision I have of the future. + +But that's not really the primary reason I want to leave this world. I just feel complete, finished, done. Not in a depressive way (at least, not all the time), but in a closure / final chapter sort of way. + +I have felt nothing but love from family and friends, have had many successful relationships, have had a super privileged life, and have set myself up for a decent future after Uni. However, I just don't care. I'm content with the time I have spent here and would rather burn out than fade away. My medical issues will surely put myself and my family into debt. My studies feel worthless even though I am excelling - and they have always felt that way. I never thought I'd make it past 18, and have no real vision of myself past 21. + +Every day feels like unnecessary time to be spending. I feel like I should close my book and leave while I am content with my life up to now. + +Have any of you felt this way? Any suggestions or comments? ",Bipolar +46418,"Lamictal alone? Lamictal/Wellbutrin combo? Looking for advice... Hi! My first post after extensive lurking... and yes, it's a meds question. + +I'm on 1200 lithium and 200 Lamictal/lamotrigine. The Lamictal has been the first thing that's worked for me, lifting (some of) my current depression. + +My psychiatrist has acted like lithium is a necessary, be-all-end-all drug; but from reading here, I see that that's not the case. I don't think it has ever done anything for me (including a good 2 weeks in the hospital on lithium alone with zero improvement). Thyroid issues already run in my family, so I'm worried about that. And recently, it's also given me terrible acne. Maybe I'm vain, but I can't live with that. So I want to go off it. + +Question--Is anyone on Lamictal alone? How does it work for you? + +Also, I've noticed that a lot of people here seem to be on a Lamictal/Wellbutrin combo. I'm still experiencing depression (and did even prior to my dx), and I know Wellbutrin doesn't have the weight and libido problems that other antidepressants do, so I'm interested in trying that. I'm hoping it could also help with low energy from the Lamictal. + +Question 2--What is this combo like? And what did doctors say about its efficacy / why it should be used? My psychiatrist is a resident in a hospital clinic so she is pretty conservative; I need a good argument. + +PS--I'm bipolar I but welcome all responses. Thanks very much.",Bipolar +46419,"Meds giving me a weird depression I'm on Latuda.... I don't ""feel"" depressed like i usually do.I still don't feel like doing anything like I'm depressed but, i actually have energy to do something. So i end up pacing a lot trying to figure what i actually feel like doing. Which is nothing. Lot times i just go to bed after dinner just because there is nothing else i want to do for the night.",Bipolar +46420,"My Mind Wont Stop! I have been getting very little sleep and despite taking my meds i think I am going manic. + +I am struggling with crazy OCD like thoughts running through my mind non stop, so fast I can't keep up and it's making me upset! I just want to catch and hold on to ONE thought for ONE minute at least but I am finding it so hard to concentrate on ANYTHING. + +You know how you get that ear worm of music? Well this is an ear worm of constant non stop thoughts. And the voice is not my own (I dont recognize it as such anyways) anymore. And It's getting louder. + +I sometimes hear my name being called out, or laughter. It's weird. I never heard the laughter before. I wonder whats so funny?",Bipolar +46421,Emotional support animals My cat is pretty much the only being keeping me from completely falling apart. My newest round of Med Roulette has me feeling odd and I'm too anxious to call my psychiatrist. My cat is on my chest purring loudly. She's trying her damndest to stop the panic and she usually can. Hopefully this will pass. ,Bipolar +46422,"I Hate Myself for Being Psychotic I had a psychotic break six months ago and was diagnosed Bipolar I... I spent 40 consecutive days in a mental hospital and have been depressed ever since. I used to have a ton of hobbies and interests, now all I do is work and sleep. + +I still feel so much guilt and shame over what I did when I was psychotic. I became convinced my mother is evil (who's perfectly normal) and sent crazy emails/messages to SO MANY people. I ruined a couple relationships I care about. I said so many disgusting things. + +How do you forgive yourself for being psychotic? Rationally I guess it wasn't my fault but it really feels like I thought my way to this point. I'm not getting any less depressed (taking Lithium and Seroquel daily...), in fact I feel like each new day I hate myself more. Any advice?",Bipolar +46423,"Anyone ever done a liver cleanse? It honestly sounds like bullshit but I’ve hit a wall recently so I’m willing to expand my options a little. + +I was telling my pdoc about how I’m struggling recovering from the holidays. When I was out of town with my family for about a week, I had one beer the entire time. My four hour drive home ended up being six hours due to three separate accidents. It was taking me multiple days to recuperate, it felt like I had been on a drinking binge. When I told her all this, she said sometimes stress and changes in the environment can affect the way your liver functions just as much as it can affect your brain. The stress of family then being hit with an especially stressful trip from sea level to 7,000 ft could have really messed things up. + +So I’m giving this a try. She ordered some “liver sauce” for me. It’s this gnarly tasting oil I take as soon as I wake up then thirty mins later I have to take a charcoal binder. + +If it were some random person telling me to ditch my meds and do a liver cleanse instead, I’d tell them to fuck off. But I’ve been with this pdoc for almost a decade now so I’m trusting her judgement. I’m still on all my meds and she told me to try and be more mindful about what I’m putting in my body. So I’m trying to avoid the temptation of fast food even tho I don’t feel like I have the energy to make healthy meals. + +I’ve only been on it for a week so I’m not expecting immediate results. + +Has anyone else tried out “alternative” methods like this? Specifically stuff that has been recommended by a doctor? ",Bipolar +46424,"is there any correlation between bipolar 1 and how we perceive fear? I cant play scary games or watch scary movies. I want too, and I try too but everytime I do i just get paralyzed by fear and can't move forward or continue watching. It seems so easy for others to enjoy but even though I know it's fake it always seems too real for me. Could there be any connection or am I just a wuss?",Bipolar +46425,"Any discord’s for depression/bipolar sufferers? Just wondering if there’s a place where you can talk in real time (chat room) with people who are going through the same things someone like me is going through. (Can’t got outta bed, haven’t showered p, general feelings of worthlessness. ",Bipolar +46426,Ambien Can it make depression worse? My doc prescribed 10mg since I was having difficulty sleeping but I’ve noticed that I’ve been more depressed the days after I take it. But hell im coming off a depressive episode so who knows. I’m just grasping at straws right now and don’t want to take anything that could be exacerbating it. ,Bipolar +46427,"Hallucinating spiders? It’s right In front of my face and then it’s gone when I get up and turn around again. Happened a couple times now that I think about it. This is a long with hearing whispers in my walls but I’ve asked about that before and now got given abilify. Should I be worried ? Is this meaning my hallucinations are getting worse ? I’m not overly stressed, not sleep deprived. Idk. ",Bipolar +46428,"I don't know how to explain this. Maybe I just need to rant. I've been sober for a year and 3 months. I take my meds everyday without fail. I eat pretty good and try to get outside as much as I can even though I'm a shut in, agoraphobic. I go to therapy. My problems are dealt with, my stressors are at a minimum. + +Why the fuck am I depressed? Why the fuck can't I sleep? Seriously, it's almost 8am and now my schedule is completely out the window. I'm not even hypomanic, I don't have any energy. I've been laying here watching YouTube, eating left over pizza, just kind of doing nothing. I'm so pissed. + +The worst part is, there's a cycle! An actual, honest to god cycle. Not just a bipolar cycle where triggers set things off. No no no. This is a biological cycle. You see, I have PCOS. And every time I've gotten my period since I was 9 years old, it's made me depressed, moody, bitchy, argumentative, etc. A lot of the time, I start to think this is all from my hormones and I don't even have bipolar. I'd be even more convinced if my lithium didn't work great within 2 days of my first time taking it, and it didn't run rampant in my family. Alas, I have the family curse. + +But seriously, having PCOS is a fucking curse, too. I use the app Clue to track my cycle and I just checked it tonight to see where I'm at and realized why I was being such a cunt to my fiance all weekend and never wanted to leave the apartment. Why I keep falling asleep later and later in the morning everyday and can't get out of bed until the late afternoon. I'm fucking 25 years old! This is so stupid. I haven't been able to have a job in years because of this and I've never gotten any kind of relief from any doctor. + +Those fake sun lamps don't help. Melatonin doesn't do shit. Sleeping pills make me hallucinate. I've been checked for any type of vitamin deficiencies. I try to fix my schedule at least once a month, where I won't sleep for like 30 hours. It's ridiculous, it's the same shit all year every year. + +I'm so sorry if this isn't really a bipolar post, I think it is because I feel like my cycle effects my bipolar so much that this happens every month. But I could be wrong, maybe it's just all the hormones and my bipolar is completely fine. + +I wish I had an answer. I wish I could find a solution.",Bipolar +46429,"I'm in love for the first time since diagnosis and it does not feel good. Yesterday I've put my best friend on a hold. Totally my fault. She were there for me the whole time, but things worked out in a way that I developed a crush on her. I really thought ""wtf, mania. Again?"". But I had my lithium tests, talked to my psychiatrist and sadly I wasn't manic at all. I was really suffering, because she has her problems too and when I try to talk with her about it she doesn't respond well. I tried do keep my distance, try to get over it, but she likes me a lot and we became even closer. +Relationships are a huge problem for me, and my friend is in a different phase of life. She broke with her first boyfriend recently (they were together from age 13 till 18, church boyfriend, holding hands only, she was unhappy) and now she is dating a lot of guys no strings attached, a lot like what I do, but it hurts for me to see it. I started avoiding being at the same places she goes to and the others close to me are telling me she is not really all that. So I decided to put our friendship on a hold too, since I'm unhappy with this ""let's speed date everyone we can and maybe we'll get together at the end"". I can't keep having sex and making out with strangers to compensate her actions, you know? It became toxic. Yesterday we've had a huge fight about it, because I told her I didn't like to be exposed this way. +Edit 1: She thought I called her a whore idk but things went ugly and she told me that I was the one she liked. It doesn't matter, because it was turning my first time being ok with my disorder in making me feel like a mess. Sorry if the text is unclear, writing in english is uncomfortable for me and sometimes I just can't organize my ideas. ",Bipolar +46430,"A story going from manic to depressive Bipolar II explained + +My eyes open. WHAT A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE. Why was I so down yesterday? Maybe I should go to the gym. No, no: maybe I should get some work done. Yes work, I’ve been neglecting work. Actually maybe I should pay rent, I’m a couple of days overdue. I put on my favourite song. What a great fucking song, my auditory cortex shoots out musical notes like buckets of cum for my vagina of a cerebral cortex to process and enjoy. + +First I need to make breakfast. What’s the most optimal amount of nutrients I can make in a meal for my body weight? I research this for a couple of hours; I want to know anything and everything about how nutrients work from the macro to the micro level. I order an organic chemistry book. I order a vegetable juicer. I order 5 different multivitamins and 2 fish oils. I go for a run, planning my ultimate breakfast. I am so excited. I get a few hours of work done, life is so fucking great. Hell, maybe I’ll even find a girlfriend soon. + +Maybe I can share this with my friends. I haven’t spoken to them in a while, but I think it would be really great to catch up. So I plan 3 coffee dates for tomorrow. Perfect, that will scratch my social itch. I also want to get REALLY fucking high. Or maybe I’m just craving affection. Peaking on MDMA and having my first kiss felt identical. So does the mdma comedown and breaking up. I don’t deal with relationships very well. I’m either careless or obsessive. Very rarely do I find a good fit, in fact I haven’t yet. But I’ve learned from my mistakes. + +My thoughts start racing. Maybe I’ll never find someone to give this boundless love to. Maybe I’m not attractive enough. Maybe I’m too weird. Who spends 4 hours planning their breakfast? Sometimes I say things I don’t mean. Sometimes I just want people to like me. Sometimes I won’t shut up. Sometimes friends say they like me or click well with me but it doesn’t feel genuine. Are all my relationships fake? I’m definitely overthinking this. This can’t be true. + + My dad comes into my room and asks how applying to work is going, I tell him to fuck off. I can’t believe I just said that. I’m just mentally fucked up and waiting for my meds to work, this must be the case. My friends like me, right? I need to slow down my thoughts, this is driving me mad. I order some ket, haven’t eaten all day and decide to order pizza. I binge and fall asleep. + +I wake up. The greyness of the bleak sky reflects through my cold window. I gather all my strength to go take a shower. I made it to the bathroom and undress. I’ve put on weight. My brutal acne medicine isn’t working as promised, in fact it’s made it worse. I’ve ignored calls from my landlord for days now, there’s no way I can call him and sort it out. I dropped out of school, I’m a fucking failure. I put on my favourite song. My auditory cortex hits me cerebral cortex with notes like harpoons to Moby Dick. What trash, how can anybody enjoy music? + +Oh fuck, I have to meet up with my friends today. I try and get myself together and make a lazy breakfast. One friend calls me and says he can’t make it. I’m somewhat upset but also relieved. I meet up with my other friend. We have a seemingly normal conversation but I am fucking shattered. I can’t tell if he can tell or not. I leave the conversation feeling defeated, I’ve had so much to say and nothing but small talk left my mouth. He must think I’m boring, I despise being boring. + +I return home to find my books, vitamins and juicer waiting for me in a parcel at my doorstep. I’m never gonna use this shit, what’s the point? Ah but yes, my ket arrived, I’ll get a couple of hours of peace completely zombified. + +My dad calls me when I’m all fucked up. He can tell I’m fucked up and he’s worried I’m going to overdose. I try to pretend to be sober and he tries to pretend to believe that I’m sober as to not upset me more, it’s the saddest thing in the world. He drives me to the emergency unit and I get my vitals checked, all is seemingly fine. My parents have been nothing but supportive and I’m still like this. My phone dies and I can’t get it to work, my last friend completely ghosted and in my mind gone forever. Maybe some day I’ll get better, I’m just waiting for the meds to work. I fall asleep. + +I wake up, WHAT A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE. + +",Bipolar +46431,"My meds are finally balanced but I can’t stop vomiting! In November last year, I was hospitalised after I stopped taking my Zoloft. Now I am back on it but am taking Zoloft in the morning and Lamictal and Latuda at night with dinner. I never had an issue when I was taking all three at night but now I cannot stop throwing up after taking my nightly meds, but I don’t want to change them because I’m finally stable! Grr. Has anybody else experienced this?",Bipolar +46432,"Does anyone feel like they get way too overly attached to their partner/someone they’re seeing? I handle break ups and unexpected rejection really badly. + +When I broke up with my ex last year I didn’t really care, and then 3 months after i was crying for like 2 months about it. + +I stayed over for one night with someone who’d had a crush on me for 3 years, the next morning she says she doesn’t feel the same way anymore and we should probably never meet again. + +This past weekend I had a girl I’d been video chatting for a while take a 4 hour train ride and stay over for the weekend. It was amazing having her there but it was constantly on my mind that soon she wouldn’t be there anymore. + + I feel like my feelings come way too fast and abnormally and it’s really making me depressed. Was diagnosed with bp2 a couple of weeks ago and waiting to start meds.",Bipolar +46433,"Tegretol I got prescribed tegretol today for bipolar 2. Just wondering what I should expect to feel. I guess I thought that this feeling was just happiness but apparently it's mania? Kind of a shock to me actually but it makes sense. What does it feel like to be on a med like this? I've been taking zoloft for about 5 months and that's what triggered this mania. Waiting on my insurance to get tegretol( 200mg 2x daily). + + + + +Thanks.",Bipolar +46434,"Dealing with the trauma of group therapy. Advice please I'm at a residential program and given that I am elevated, I am quite elevated and sitting still for that long is tough and it's amplified when people are sharing their traumatic experiences. Please share any advice that you have for this issue?",Bipolar +46435,"Job interview tomorrow Been un/under-employed for a couple months now, after an incredibly high-stress and high-reward contract ended (side note: it was an entire year, and I managed to do it without taking a mental health day the entire time!). It opened a lot of doors for me, including for the job that I'm interviewing for in the morning... + +But it's not a job that I necessarily *want*. It'll look good at a resume and will get me a step further in the direction I want to go, but I'm worried it'll come around and bite me in the ass later, too. I'm worried my mental health will flare up, and shit'll go sideways (like it usually does) and I'll end up burning everything down and making it a flaming road block instead of a bridge to where I want to be. And if I get an offer, they will want me to commit to 2-4 years there... and I've only managed to hold down a job for 2 years once before, and it was a shit-show towards the end. + +I've been in a depressive episode for the last few weeks, and I'm worried that the interview won't go well. And if it does go well, I'm worried about the job. + +Sigh. I just need to get a good night's sleep and go into it with as good a frame of mind as I can. None of it matters right now and I don't need to make a decision until I have an offer anyway, I just can't help but stress about it. + +Thanks for reading, and supportive words are welcome. Please and thank you. ",Bipolar +46436,"Lithium and watery eyes? Ever since starting lithium 4 months ago I've had a sudden, extreme uptick in how much my eyes water. I can't seem to find any consistent factor that could explain it, other than the drug, but I also can't find anything about lithium and watery eyes online. Is this a thing? And if so, any remedies out there?",Bipolar +46437,"I think the best thing I’ve realized is that I may not be able to walk my entire life I don’t know where to share this, so I thought I’d share it here since it’s such a great community and it’s good to think about things you’re grateful for. + +I’m thankful I’m able bodied. I’m thankful for my medication. I may have 20 more years before I could possibly get MS. I might never get it, but I’m more likely than the average person. + +But I’m still able bodied now. I can enjoy walking places. I can enjoy climbing and going up stairs upon stairs. I can enjoy the sand and water on my feet. I can enjoy having to stand all day. + +I might not be able to for my entire life, but knowing that allows me to enjoy my legs, my brain, and my life right now. A lot of people don’t get that until they suddenly don’t have a limb, or they’re old and their body becomes increasingly more frail. + +Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the little things. Even the fact you’re under a ton of blankets cold or have to wait for your car to heat up. + +I hope we all have a lot more time to enjoy what we have. Sometimes we/I take the time we/I have for granted. 20 years sounds like a lot, but that’s only double my age. + +I hope you all are having a good day. Stay toasty.",Bipolar +46438,"Lost my job I don't know if my bipolar shit was part of it, as they said I wasn't fast enough to get things done (physically). I do believe my short term memory had a part of it, but that doesn't matter now. Ignoring the pause between a transfer, I was employed just over 2 years. THAT is an achievement for me; at least something positive.",Bipolar +46439,"Getting help is extremely hard. You’re all so brave and I’m proud of you! I work as a receptionist at a general practitioner’s office and any time someone comes in asking their options for mental health, they’re usually shaking and you can tell they’ve been crying. It ALWAYS reminds me of when I finally sought help after suffering for so long. I wish I could hug every one when they’re first getting help. I don’t because that’s weird, but I really want to. ",Bipolar +46440,"Do you guys get stressed from reading? I think it's a form of irritation. It wasn't as bad as back in high school and primary as I was able to read and do my homework without being really stressed. Unless if it's something I'm really interested in. If I was given the same work again back from high school I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought long why and I think it's because of the newly bipolar diagnosis in late adolescent. Memory problems, stressed from reading! ",Bipolar +46441,"(Reminded by earlier post) I have Bipolar and also ADHD. Is there any hope for ADHD treatment? I have Bipolar (I was diagnosed as BP2 but after an illness earlier in the year I feel like I may have had a manic episode over the summer, but we'll see what the doctor thinks) as well as ADHD. The mood stabilizers help, but don't do a whole lot for concentration while the ADHD meds work for concentration but make me, you know, *manic.* + +I'm totally open for another medication besides the standard Adderall/Ritalin. My overall mental health is the most important thing but I really feel like I always need that little extra *oomph*. + +Any hope out there?",Bipolar +46442,"Feeling flat from meds While on medication I always feel flat. No motivation, no creativity, no desire to do anything. How do I deal with this?",Bipolar +46443,Invega sustenna injections Anyone have experience with this? I’ve taken it 4 times and I really don’t like it. I have never been this depressed. Yeah it’s supposed to stop mania but I feel as if I have no soul. I’m going to ask my doctor to stop. I can’t stand this drug.,Bipolar +46444,"Goodbye Mania, Hello Migraines. I just had a period of mania that lasted for about a month. My meds were moved around a bit and now, I’m plummeting. I have a horrible migraine and I feel the depression washing over me. I feel uncoordinated and confused. +I’m not looking for a fix. I know I just need to ride it out like I always do. I just want a reminder that I’m not alone.",Bipolar +46445,"I think its best if I reenlist Right now I am contemplating on re-enlisting. Thinking about telling the truth about everything that happened to me. School is not working for me and I cant get a job. I believe the VA abandonned me when I applied to see a career counselor twice. If anyone else thought the same and have done, how did it go? I want to know because Im ready to work out and join again. Please I need help, no one wants a veteran apparently. ",Bipolar +46446,"Dear husband, losing you is too high stakes Lately, I've managed to break down a ton of walls. I've managed to get to a better, stable place with my husband. I love him more every day and I am so fortunate to have him as my number one. However, lately, I've just been realizing that he, as my number one support is also my life support. In other communities on Reddit, people would urge me to be more self-sufficient, independent, but I think you guys know what I mean and if you have found your ""person"", you might relate. + +I'm so scared of him dying that I can't let him get any closer. I feel like this is the final hurdle of a really wonderful marriage but I'm just so fucking scared. The world without him is unimaginable and horrifying. So, classic me, I won't let it be ""no holds barred"". I still hold back just a little back in case he dies. + +I know I sound ridiculous. ",Bipolar +46447,"Does your “team” communicate? Hi all, + +I was wondering whether your different care providers (gp, psychiatrist, psychologist etc) communicate about you? + +I get awfully paranoid about what people say behind my back even though I know they are just relaying facts and doing what is in my best interest. Does anyone else get this feeling? I feel so stupid for being paranoid about it. Sometimes I think the four of them are plotting against me. ",Bipolar +46448,"Please give me advice on anti-psychotic options etc I don't want to make this to long. I have tried so many different anti-psychotic over the last 10 years. Although some have worked great for me, I have had such bad side effects that I have had to get off. I'm currently taking 400 of lamictal and have an appointment Wednesday to add another anti-psychotic. I'm having such a hard time with this because I desperately want a new doctor but have to be on long waiting lists to switch. I have already tried Abilify. Geodon Risperdal. Seroque and latuda and none of these worked for me. The only other pill I know I have been recommended was one called Saphris and I took it one time and my entire mouth went numb. I know going on reddit to get medication advice might be the silliest thing ever but because I'm on a waiting list for a new doctor I'm desperate for advice. Thank you all very much.",Bipolar +46449,"RISPERIDONE 1MG Tablet Hi everyone.. +Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with bipolar, schizophrenia, manic depression and anxiety. +He gave me this medication called risperidone in 1mg tablet form. After reading lots of negative posts online about it, I'm terrified to take this. Suppose to take it in the morning, not sure if that cause it could interact with my Tramadol prescription that is taken at night as a sleep aid. +Was wondering if anyone may be comfortable sharing there experiences with this medication? Also, how bad do you think it would effect the creative portion of ones mental state? +Thanks in advance :)",Bipolar +46450,Do Lamictal side effects go away? I’m on my 3rd day of 25mg Lamictal and I am SO drowsy and disoriented. I can’t think or even walk straight. I have no motivation to do anything and it’s made me more depressed. I told my psychiatrist and he says it will only last the first few days and I should keep taking it. Will it actually go away or should I insist on being prescribed something else? ,Bipolar +46451,"It feels like my life is falling apart. Any time I try to make a name for myself or pull myself back from the brink, it all seems to fall apart. I'm not necessarily afraid of failure, but it seems like that's all that can happen to me. It's getting really hard to keep going when all I'm ever met with is disappointment. + +I'm caught in this stranglehold: the manic side of me sees all this potential and what I can be if I put my mind to it, but I always fall short and that just further verifies what the depressed side of me feels(that I'm not worth much of anything and I have no real way of making my life better.) + +It leaves me with no motivation to even try to do better because it's always ended the same way. + +I feel like I'm running out of time to get my life in order and I don't even really have a clue what to do with my life. + +I've been trying to just take the bad with the good but I just keep wondering when the good is going to come and it just makes me so damn disappointed with myself. + +Nobody has to reply or anything I think I just wanted to write all this down somewhere to try and get me to stop ruminating over my life",Bipolar +46452,"Depressive State (Seeking Advice) I'm currently feeling really trapped in a depressive state and I don't know how to get out of it. I'm more accustomed to dealing with depression (as I was initially diagnosed with depression for 2 years be for ending rediagnosed). But I just can't seem to find my way out. I know I have a lot to be happy and grateful for, and I'm trying to engage in activities that I enjoy (doodling, baking, etc.) but I feel pretty stuck this time. I don't know why. Sometimes I'll feel like I'm getting out, but then I'll fall right back down. And I feel like I keep making stupid decisions in this state of mind (honestly I make bad ones in a manic state too), I just want to be stable for a while at least. +Basically: Any advice on getting out of a depressive state?",Bipolar +46453,"Am I bipolar? tldr; got a diagnosis for bipolar as I was incredibly agitated and restless after a bad reaction to some medication and hospitalized as a manic episode. However I didn't feel elated and I was lucid. Is this bipolar or should I get a second opinion. I'm 31 years old and male. + +Apologies for the essay. + +Basically my story starts when I was very depressed and anxious for most of my adult life, and medication and therapy didn't do anything to really help. I tried Zoloft one day after the recommendation of my Dr. I woke up in the middle of the night all the time in a panic and couldn't think straight and after a week I was so restless I had to go to hospital. The attending Dr at the hospital said that it is a common reaction to medication if you're bipolar, and prescribed me Olanzapine. + +After 2 months I hated the medication as it made me so sleepy and gain weight. So I decided to stop as I didn't need this before for 31 years. I was also prescribed Klonopin. I stopped Olanzapine and became very restless but I could deal with it with the Klonopin and I took it for 2 weeks. I remember the first day I stopped and I felt amazing though, like fully focused and full of positive energy to do things. However, one day I forgot to take Klonopin and it was like a switch flicked in my brain. I spent the next month waking up in the middle of the night in panic, feeling super restless in the morning and struggling to focus on anything. + +I came off the Klonopin after that bad experience (but slowly tapered, I learned my lesson from the Olanzapine not to come of medication too quickly). I also got some Trazadone for sleep since I couldn't sleep for the whole night and would wake up in a panic and also couldn't get back to sleep despite feeling tired. As time went on, over the course of 3 months, I stopped having the panic attacks in the night, but would wake up super early really restless but exhausted. I also started to have depersonalization and had this spaced out feeling a lot of the time, and I would sort of feel like I was looked at myself in the third person. This carried on and didn't get better with time over the course of a few months. + +Around thanksgiving I got really drunk, and after then, the restlessness became unbearable. I was also super emotional and couldn't focus. But I was fully aware of everything, and I didn't do anything reckless, and I didn't feel elated or anything. I basically tried to stick it out but couldn't take it, and went to hospital and they put me in a psychiatric ward as I was so agitated and restless and it was then they told me they thought I was bipolar and put me on Olanzapine again. + +I've stuck it out for a few months, and to be fair, after two weeks of taking Olanzapine and Depakote, I started to feel much less restless and I was able to sleep fully. Also, the spaced out feeling subsided and started to feel myself again. However, the medication has left me super sleepy and it's affecting my work. With my psychiatrist's help we're going to lower the medication dose, but after that reduction, I'm feeling a bit spaced out, but less so than I was before. I'm still super sleepy though. + +Basically I don't know what the hell is wrong with me and I kind of feel like I've been put in a bipolar box in terms of a diagnosis, but when I look at classic bipolar behavior, I don't really see it in myself? Has anyone else experienced anything like me? Like severe agitation, inability to sleep and depersonalization, but also being lucid, not engaging in reckless behavior and not having an elated mood? + +Also that was a massive post, so thanks if you read it :)",Bipolar +46454,"Pauses in symptoms during hypomania Is it possible to experience a break in symptoms during hypomania? For example, I may feel very tired from the lack of sleep for a few hours during the day, feel ashamed of hypersexual symptoms, or just feel like I've snapped back to my true self/calmed down, only for this fleeting break to end and be brought back up. + +I'm new to all this, and am not yet well-versed enough on the illness or my own individual symptoms to be able to differentiate between a genuinely high mood, with the normal mood fluctuations all people experience, or being hypomanic. + +I'm using either zopiclone or ambien regularly for sleep at the moment, so I don't know if the drowsiness is perhaps just a hangover from those. I'm also starting abilify (though at a very low 2mg so far), so unsure if that's potentially causing certain symptoms I'm having as well. + +I appreciate any insight from you all.",Bipolar +46455,"Recently diagnosed BP, on meds, still feeling hypersexual sometimes. I was diagnosed about 9 months ago and have been in meds that have been working and keeping me on even keel. They did take a while to get accustomed to but I'd say I've been steady for 5 months. + +I am not nearly as hypersexual as I was or engaged in risky behavior (blowing a cop on the side of the road who had stopped me for speeding???), but I still find that some days I'll start masturbating and end up spending a good part of the day doing it. It hasn't happened often but it happens enough to make me worry. Even then I didn't start doing that until a couple months ago. + +I didn't know if I was just getting used to my meds or what. I'm hesitant to change them since everything else seems okay. ",Bipolar +46456,"Mental health road to recovery. Fuck. Me. I’m new to reddit. My sisters been an active user for years. I finally decided to check it out. Little overwhelming with all the communities. I feel like I want to reach them all. +- +Anyhow, going through a mental health transition. Seeking help I’ve felt that I needed for a long time now. I could only repress myself for so long. This last melt down, completely broke me. My life that I created is, in my eyes, perfect. I’ve worked so hard to have it all, to not be my mom. And yet here I am, in the shower, tears blending with the water and my dog is scratching at the door to get in. But in that moment, I wanted everything to stop. Even my heart. +I pulled myself out of the shower. Looked in the mirror. Wiped my eyes and smiled. I couldn’t convince myself I was ok, but maybe I could to my husband. Got dressed, went downstairs. Tried folding some laundry. Tried hiding. Tried holding back. But I looked at him and completely lost it. +- +Immediately, I made an appointment with my primary that week. From there, I have now sought out a therapist and psychiatrist. I’ve since tried new medications. Not to much help. +How am I supposed to feel? Bipolar 2 is my official diagnosis. However, I always mask and mask and mask and pretend. I’m very high functioning. +- +Before my meltdown, I was the most manic I’ve ever been. Reckless. Hyper sexual (my husband loved that part). No sleep. Busy busy busy. What can I get into next? What’s going to keep me from crashing? Constantly on the go. And the second I withdraw in the slightest, people are surprised. What do you mean you don’t want to go out? You don’t want to talk and socialize? Why are you being so anxious? +BECAUSE THIS IS WHO I AM. I’ve been so fucking good at keeping this up, I trick myself. But only for so long. Other people, I had convinced. +- +Which brings me here. I’m now trying another medication AND was told that marijuana isn’t a great match for bipolar, which is a fucking bummer. I love my maryjane. +However, I am dedicated and took my vows seriously. I want to be the best me, wife, daughter, sister and friend I can be. This process is hard and challenging. I want to be open with those around me about this struggle. But for now, I think I need to understand it myself before the outside world can get it. +- +Well, thanks for sticking around this long if your still reading. This journey is hard but worth it. Exhausting but rewarding. Everyone, keep your head up. It’s so fucking hard. But please do it for yourself. You’ll make it through. We’re all struggling together in different ways, but we all have the same end goal. Keep fighting. ",Bipolar +46457,"Hello! I has a question about smoking-related mood changes. I'm new to reddit so I'm really sorry if I'm doing this wrong and thank you all in advance for your responses. + +So tldr: I've been diagnosed for some 4 years, unstable as hell for 3. A year and a half ago I started taking a concoction of depakote, trileptal and clonazepam and it worked better than other things. I was suppressed and tired af all the time but could fight through it and improve and get stable. + +Now 40 days ago, I stopped smoking. Ever since I did I've been so fatigued I can't do anything. I'm not depressed or sad or anything, just **tired**. + +Has anyone else experienced something like meaning? Or conversely, used smoking as a way to stay alert? ",Bipolar +46458,"Going off abilify... akathisia gets worse? Hi, I'm currently tapering off 5mg abilify (I was only on it for 2 months) because of the horrible akathisia. Ever since I started tapering, it's gotten worse. + +I read that the akathisia usually gets worse during withdrawals before it disappears. + +My psych prescribed geodon to taper onto while I'm going thru these withdrawals, as he said it has a much lower incidence of akathisia. + +Is this all gonna be ok? Should I just tough it out?",Bipolar +46459,"How do you move on and let go of the past? It seems like my past mistakes haunt me. I can't let go of the small, stupid things I've done years and years go that don't even matter.",Bipolar +46460,Expired Quetiapine (2017) Is it safe to take them for 2 nights? Very low dosage (only 25mg). Won't be able to pick up my prescription until Monday.,Bipolar +46461,"Hypomania or am I overthinking a normal mood? I have a real problem with getting oddly anxious about hypo/mania. Right now ive been doing great for about 3 weeks and I'm worried I'm actually hypo, and to be honest, the only thing missing is productivity. +Instead of working on coursework or assignments like I usually do when hypo I've just been playing video games and partying. I've had loads of energy, not much of an appetite, some confusion, a bit impulsive, far more sociable than usual. +Idk validate me Bois or tell me I'm overreacting. I shouldn't worry anyway as I'm clearly not a danger to myself or others. ",Bipolar +46462,"not wanting to take meds? i want to get better! i really do! there's no excuse for me not taking vraylar at all + +all i have are two days of community college a week. i impulsively quit my job (hi mania), so i don't have to worry about being excessively tired while in retail. + +im just over being drowsy & needing to nap every day. everything seems overwhelming too. i hate feeling that way. tbh there's a part of me that wants to stop seeing a psychiatrist & just use weed/alcohol to help out. i daydream about getting high a lot. it's detrimental i know! i know drugs aren't worth it and hurt instead of help! but that's where i'm at rn + +anyone else have that feeling during the trial process?? is there something wrong with me??",Bipolar +46463,"Is it mania or genuine confidence It's more than likely that it's mania since I'm on reddit posting about it after drinking champagne and finishing crocheting a stuffed animal cat wearing a scarf.. but + +I HAVE FELT REALLY FINANCIALLY CONFIDENT AND WANT TO APLY FOR A CREDIT CARD WITHIN THE NEXT HOUR or I never will. I have refused to get a credit card for 9 years now.. (currently24). My recent stability has helped me succeed financially to the point I confidently have bought myself things that aren't necessities! I am now sure that this is just mania and a bad impulsive decision as I am constantly deleting random rambled jumbled sentences into this impulsive post. + +&#x200B; + +I just would really appreciate some sort of advice or anyones past experience having a credit card even though there's a chance your mania could destroy you ",Bipolar +46464,"im cycling too fast maybe I just have a personality disorder :/ + +(not because that would be worse but because they say it's harder to treat) + +I used to have a lot of faith in psychiatrists. Fear, almost, about how much they'd know about me just by seeing me and talking to me. But they don't know shit. They just know about different variations of ""crazy"" in their most extreme and/or delineated manifestations and anything more complicated than that is just conjecture + +On the topic of rapid cycling. They don't seem to know anything. It is said to be rare but you talk to patients and so many of them say they rapid cycle all over the place. How common is it actually? + +Whatever. I'm so depressed. After feeling so so good. That's 2 distinct episodes already this year if we're talking in bipolar terms. I can't be this person. Do I go back to the ward if this gets as bad as it got in december? It did not help whatsoever. I'm just talking to myself at this point, rhetorical. + +Thanks for reading, I guess I could use some support",Bipolar +46465,"BP2 but only suffer depression these days I was diagnosed BP2 a few years ago, and whilst I don’t doubt my diagnosis, I only suffer depressive episodes these days, no hypomanic ones. I’m not on any medication for this (with my doctors blessing). + +I stick to a sleep routine and rarely have insomnia these days. Is this why I’m never hypomanic? + +It’s not that I want to be - although I’ve found hypomania can be beneficial for me (confidence, ease of talking to others), there’s no guarantee it will be a positive turn, and can completely destroy my world. I’m just curious as to why I only deal with (a lot of) depression since being diagnosed. + +Anyone else similar?",Bipolar +46466,"Does anyone else see and hear words differently when Manic? This is really hard for me to describe but I will try. When I get Manic language takes on a whole new meaning. I get words all mixed up. Each and every word suddenly take on 2 or 3 different meanings. Obviously many words in the English language that look and sound the same have different meanings. But when I'm manic my brain takes it to a whole different level. My world gets turned upside down. It is extremely hard to talk to people when this happens because a simple conversation turns into some grand puzzle I try to solve. + +&#x200B; + +Does anyone else have this happen? Is there a scientific term for it?",Bipolar +46467,Hello? Is there anybody in there?,Bipolar +46468,"Anyone get thyroid issues from Lithium or other meds? I’ve been on lithium for maybe five years, and recently found out I have a bunch of tiny nodules on my thyroid, even though my thyroid-function bloodwork has always been normal. + +I don’t know yet if it’s related to the meds, but I’ve definitely felt like something’s been up over the last few months- way more tired than usual, super-prolonged PMS cravings/binges, etc. + +Has anyone experienced the same? If so, did your pdoc switch you to another med or add something to your regimen to mitigate the issue? ",Bipolar +46469,"What do you know about long term care mental institutions? In the last year, I’ve been hospitalized multiple times for suicidal thoughts and attempts(this led to the psych ward for a few days). I’ve seen 3 different psychiatrists and therapists. I’ve tried what feels like 2 dozen medications. I’ve been through insane weight fluctuations. I’ve been having a real bad time and I’m exhausted. + + +A few days ago, because of my stupid(really stupid, I don’t blame her) actions during mood swings, I lost my bestfriend. + + +Since then, I’ve been just comatose almost. I can’t function. I keep thinking of suicide. I think I need some long term care. I think on my own, I am in danger. + + +But I’m also scared of going to one, because I don’t have money for something like that. I’m also scared of what it would be like. I’ve seen “Girl, Interrupted”. I’m worried about the shame and worry it’ll bring to my dad. I’m embarrassed about people seeing me as the crazy person. I’m just embarrassed about being 24 and wasting my best years because I can’t control my emotions. + + +I’m sorry if this is rambling, I’m just having a lot of racing thoughts right now. ",Bipolar +46470,Frequent urination Does anyone else have this problem? I'm taking 400 mg Seroquel and I'm not drinking nearly enough water to account for going to the bathroom every 10-30 minutes.,Bipolar +46471,"Kind of embarrassing but question on lithium (Also something positive!) I've been on lithium for about 7mo give or take, 2mo ago it was upped to a once a day 1200mg dose at night with 20mg of zyprexa. Now my problem is, and yes this is quite TMI embarrassing, I've had diarrhea for a solid month now. Every damn time I go to the restroom it's fucking horrible. + +Does anyone else have a problem like this? I set an appointment with my Psych to discuss this issue but my stupid clinic doesn't make appointments more than 3 days ahead and he is booked. Very frustrating. But I can't stand this bathroom thing, however I will not stop the lithium because it has saved me. Any feedback appreciated! ",Bipolar +46472,"Reducing Lamotrigine While Manic? I've been manic since mid December. It's getting stronger and stronger. + +So I finally got to see psychiatrist today and told him all about the mania, the hyposexuality, the non stop, rapid thoughts, the fact that I'm sleeping between 3 and 5 hrs a night...all the good stuff. I went of lithium because it was making me super flat and lifeless. + +He wants me to reduce my lamotrigine. He said it might be what's making me go up and down (in the last week I've been quite depressed in the morning but it's gone by lunch time). + +Does this sound normal? I was really surprised that he wants to reduce the only mood stabiliser that I'm still on. Is it going to make the mania worse? Is it going to make me more susceptible to depression? + +Looking for personal experience and opinion, I know this isn't the place for med advice. ",Bipolar +46473,"I fucked up. I just sliced my leg. About a 4"" wide 1/4"" deep. I don't know why I did it. I'm scared about what's happening to me. I'm ruining my life. ",Bipolar +46474,"Finally went to go see a doctor I finally went to go see a psychiatrist on Monday and got told all my symptoms do match bipolar and its not all in my head. I got referred to a therapist so the next step is meeting with a therapist a couple times then going back to my psychiatrist for meds to help. While this is great and all, but I'm afraid of what'll happen between getting my meds. Just this last day I've been having horrible mood swings, getting so angry and cold. I've been having more and more thoughts about hurting myself and others. The hurting others bit is what's scaring me the most. Im not a violent person but I'm afraid I'm going to snap and really hurt someone. Does anyone have any tips to control anger and moods swings in general? ",Bipolar +46475,"How do you guys manage a job? Im 20/f, and i got dignosed with various mood disorders when i was 16. I’m falling into some kind of weird mixed state. Super high highs but just as bad lows. The lows don’t last as long but they’re just as severe. The highs are so high they are unbearable. I work at UPS. I’m a supervisor. I can’t file for FMLA because I haven’t been there a year yet, but many of my higher ups know my situation. I can’t just call off, i have employees to look after. I can’t just not show up, either. I’m stuck. I need time to sleep and see my new doctor next week. I’m between doctor and medications, and I’m doing all I can to help myself right now. I just can’t control these emotions, these feelings, these things I thought I understood but suddenly lose grasp on when a trigger comes around. ",Bipolar +46476,"Idk what to do I don’t want to do therapy or meds anymore. + +I don’t want a therapist telling me what to think or meds making me feel ways I’m not supposed to feel . +I just want to have control over my body and i feel like everyone is telling me what do with it . +Honestly I feel like everyone around me is so stupid. They don’t know anything about me . Like I don’t need that stuff I’m fine on my own . +I feel like everyone is trying to control me or mess me up. +I feel like I can’t do this anymore +I feel like everything around me is going so slow and I’m really confused about my life rn + + +",Bipolar +46477,"Should I get my own apartment? (currently living with parents) Hi guys, + +I am currently apartment hunting with the approval of my step-father who has agreed to help pay for an apartment of my own while I wait for disability benefits. I think it would be very helpful and therapeutic for me if I created my own space that I deemed to be sacred and worth my time. One of the fears that I have is that I would feel alone in this apartment, and fall into depression and anxiety. Maybe my meds will help with that. Also I have anxiety about needing to go out and get groceries on a weekly basis. But maybe this would be good for me and I would be able to hit up the natural food stores. I also would choose not to bring my cat with me (who is very therapeutic and supportive) because she is happy here at this home. But I won't have her around. Maybe I could get a small fish aquarium. Also I would have space for some small fitness equipment, like a kettle bell and barbell. Well I hope that if I do get an apartment it will be a good decision. I just don't want to be alone and depressed. But I am sure that is normal for many of us who live alone. We just have to make sure we have a solid routine of having activities to do outside the house and around people. ",Bipolar +46478,"How do you stay focused at work while depressed? I don't have much experience with depression, but I believe I'm in an episode right now. Not severe, but my motivation to do anything is relatively low. + +For the past two weeks, I've just been coming to work to surf the net. Maybe put in 30min of work per day. I'm not getting into trouble because my project deadlines are over a month away, but I'd still like to correct my behavior and I'm hoping some of y'all might have some tips/tricks to staying productive while depressed.",Bipolar +46479,"So i'm medicated since +- a month now. Hello, + + +After 3 years refusing to take a single pill, i accepted it. I take valproic acids. I have 0 side effects, 3 pills/day. So all goods ! + + +On the psy level, i feel more serene and the depression disapeared. I feel like i can see more clearly the things about my life. I dont feel this hole inside me anymore. I dont feel this deep sadness, its really weird to be free from this. +But there is a second effect. My cynism level is rising sky rocket ! + + +I always been a cynic person with a touch of misanthropism. But now this is a new level of this. I dont see my friends anymore. I dont answer them when they call. To be honnest, i just dont see the point. Before, when i felt lonely and depressed, i needed them to keep my mind busy and dont let the negavity take the control. Now ? Whats the point ? +I evolve in a particular social environment. Wealthy artist people... And now i realize that i dont really like them. + + +Also, the sadness disappeared but i feel 100% lost in life. In a world where wealth, fame, possession seems to be everything i give absolutely no value to this. To be honnest i dont even know what is valuable. Yes well, virtue, honor, compassion, heart are valuable values to me but its just an utopia in this world. I just feel like there is no point to even try to exist in this world. I'm not interested in making a family, not interested in money. As soon as it comes to money i lose all interest in something. The egyptians were buried with their possessions and we are the witness of what it becomes. So whats the point ? + + +Thats my major problem. I thought it was depression. But i think its just myself. I just feel like the modern society is wrong about everything. Like if we missed the purpose of our existence. + + +I remember when i was a kid i watched on tv a report about a temple in Thailand for drugs addicts reability called Tham Krabok. And there was that man, an ex us soldier of fortune who went there to overcome a alcohol addiction. After his rehab he stayed there and became a monk. He died recently after dedicating 30 years of his life to this temple. That is a great life. That is what life should be about. In my opinion ofc. + + +So, all that to say that yes i'm bipolar. Never experienced high psychotic episode. My episode are soft. Just compulsive needs to buy thing to overcome emptyness. Sexual urge and needs. Planing big things but i still quite about it, i never talk about that to people as i remember that its not normal. But the reality will still disappoint me. Without or with medication.... + + +My shrink told me this morning that i would have been an hermit if i was born earlyer. He's so right about it hehe. ",Bipolar +46480,"I feel very vanilla It feels like I missed a manic episode and went straight to dissociation after the holiday blues. + +&#x200B; + +Work is boring and long and stressful, which makes my free time essentially the same since I feel a responsibility to make the good times count, or whatever. + +&#x200B; + +I don't know, I just feel like I am in a rut that grows more like a valley with each passing day. + +&#x200B; + +I didn't really have any intentions with this post, I just felt the need to say my peace.",Bipolar +46481,"I miss my bestfriend so much[venting] The only person who had kept me under some sort of control for the past year and a half, my former bestfriend, cut complete ties with me a few days ago. Told me to never contact her again. Now I feel like I'm in hell. I have a family. I have a handful of friends. But I can't build a real, trusting relationship with them. I’ve tried so hard. I have some really bad trust and attachment issues because of my dad leaving when I was 5. And then when I was 12, my mom also left(but thankfully my dad took me in and raised me from then on). This has left me in a way that I can only do one of two things. Either not get attached at all, or get extremely attached. But because of the extreme attachment leading to hurt in previous relationships, I had purposefully put space between me and others. + + +She was the first person in a long time who I really opened up to and let in. I thought she was doing the same to me. We were so insanely close. Then I did one dumbass thing, which I didn't realize was a dumbass thing, and she just turned cold on me. It's like, all the stuff she told me about how much she needed me, how much she loved me and how she would be devastated with me, just disappeared. I've spent the last several weeks trying to fix things, with her warming up a bit, then turning cold, then warming up, then turning cold. I can't put all the blame on her for this. Me going from begging and pleading for forgiveness, to yelling and screaming at her for abandoning me, and then back to the other one, made the situation way worse. But I was at such a low point, I was actually planning my suicide and I was just desperate to have her back. It was so painful and anger inducing that this person, who I gave everything to, didn't even care about it. I put her in front of me. I have suffered, so that I could make sure she didn't. I'm not an innocent angel in all of this. I'm clingy, I'm needy, I'm unstable and high maintenance. I also have extreme mood swings. But I also loved her. Fully and completely. I thought she knew this. + + +I was willing to do anything it took to make her want to stay. I tried everything I knew. But it all failed. After one too many fights, things are at a definite end. There is no going back. Now I'm feeling so isolated and alone. The only person I could talk to, hates me. It feels like no one else is even trying to understand me. + + +To them, ""she's just some girl. Just move on."" They don't know her like I do. She's amazing, in every way. The day after I attempted suicide last March 25th, I was in the emergency room, alone. I was so scared and I had no one to talk to. She called and texted me as much as she could(she works as a waitress). Kept telling me that things will be okay and that she would be there for me. That’s what made her so special. When everyone else was freaked out and pushed away, she would run forward and try to help me. And I lost that. + + +All I can think about is that it took me 23 years to meet this one person who I got along with on such a deep level. Is it going to take another 23 to meet the next? And even if I do, they will never be able to replace her. It was nice to be in a relationship(whether it be friends, romantic, or familial) where I felt like I could just fully and completely be myself. I just miss her so much. The depression and stress I'm feeling from this is making my bipolar disorder spin out of control as well, which is just fucking annoying as well. When I met her, I was at a point where all I could think about was killing myself. I felt there was no hope. Nothing would get better. Now, without her, I'm basically back in that headspace and it sucks. I just feel so hopeless and empty. It hurts to breathe. Every morning, I wake up and I feel ok for about a minute. Then reality comes crashing in and I just cry till I can’t. + + +I do go to a psychiatrist, who is also a therapist. This is my 5th Psych and 3th Therapist in the last 2.5 years. They've tried over 2 dozen meds and a stupid amount of hours of therapy. Nothing has worked so far. I'm basically giving up at this point. I even told my psych that a few days ago. All this time and nothing has changed. Why should I believe it will now? I think any day now, I'll just end it all. I can’t go on without her.",Bipolar +46482,"what do u guys do on nights you can’t sleep but are trying not to let anyone know your awake? i live in a one bedroom apartment with my father. in the past when he finds out i couldn’t sleep he jumps to conclusions that i’m not ok, or manic, etc. + +i want to keep his sleeping function cause he’s a human and deserves it, also busts his ass at work all day everyday. + +So my question is, any ideas of time killers at like 3-6am that are quite? + +BTW: i live with bipolar rapid cycling + +thanks in advance",Bipolar +46483,Risperdone/risperdal withdrawals I took my last dose of risperdone two days ago and I'm pretty sure I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Especially because my dr tapered me off in the course of 3 days. What are your experiences with risperdone withdrawals and how long did they last?,Bipolar +46484,"scared of mania/mood shift. help/advice? technically, my “unclassified mood disorder” isn’t bipolar but i take mood stabilizers along with my prozac and xanax. but regardless, i feel like i’m losing my mind or i’m about to crawl out of my skin. +in december i was extremely depressed, and very suicidal. my parents knew this, i’m in college and living at home, trying to get this mental health thing sorted. + +anyway, i went from wanting to die every night to feeling like i’m buzzing out of my skin in like a month? is this mania? + +i developed a rash on my face due to stress cause school started up, i can’t sleep, im creatively inspired (writing poetry, enjoying my english classes, having fun writing essays) but cannot focus in math. online algebra takes twice as long bc of videos and i feel like i can’t catch up + +as i’m writing this i feel like i’m about to throw up because i just keep seeing all these clues that something hasn’t been right. i don’t know if i should see my psych or wait for this to pass. + +y’all help? i have never felt a mood shift like this before and it’s terrifying",Bipolar +46485,"I can't trust my memories I had a pretty extended hypomanic episode in Nov-Dec, and a few weeks into the episode I had a long-awaited pdoc appointment at a specialized mood disorder clinic. I came out of the appointment very upset because the doctor didn't seem to want to help me, didn't seem to get what I was saying, wanted me to stop taking the meds that had pulled me out of a year-long suicidal depression. I hadn't slept more than an hour the night before, so the appointment is a bit of a blur, but I felt betrayed by the system and cried for hours. + +I saw the pdoc for a second time today and my impression of her was completely different. Apparently she is not a psycho monster bitch. She clearly wants to help me and has a reasonable approach, even if it's not what I would have chosen. + +I also realized that I have gaps in my memory from that time - like I know one of my friends was concerned enough about my state of mind to call my mother - but, for example, I completely don't remember one of my friends coming over and visiting me for several hours. Granted, I was drinking a lot over that period, but not enough to completely forget events. It makes me wonder what else I'm not remembering. + +I'm diagnosed BPII but I know that over about 6 weeks I spent way too much money, hardly slept (or sometimes even didn't) for days at a time, and drove so recklessly that I could have been arrested if I had been caught. I just didn't go to work a few times. Also had a few panic attacks. I had some pretty big ideas but I wasn't psychotic, so manic vs. hypomanic? Don't really know, don't really care too much, but I normally consider myself a very grounded and rational person so feeling like I can't trust my memory freaks me the fuck out. + +I guess this is more of a vent than anything. It's the first hypomanic episode I've had that can compete with (milder) depressive episodes in terms of negative impact on my life. I don't really know how to come to terms with the fact that I can't trust my memory from that time. Especially because according to friends I seemed pretty lucid, but my judgement was obviously impaired. + +Anyway, bipolar sucks.",Bipolar +46486,"Can't sleep Death +Death +Like how is it to actually pass away +I'll always be alone +I'm not from this world +Death +I don't connect +If a electrical wire never has electricity is it just a wire +I shouldn't have been born +I've always been a mistake +I'm hungry +Death +I wonder what I should eat tomorrow + + + +All running in my mind tonight. But I'm not down. Does this happen to others? I never know if I'm just odd or off. I'm really tired of depression in my life. But I'll always be this way. Which tends to mean I'll be alone. And odd. And never sleeping enough.",Bipolar +46487,Ability What can you tell me about it? I was recently prescribed it for the first time and just started taking it this week... what are your experiences? ,Bipolar +46488,"Nortriptyline for insomnia? Has anyone heard of taking nortiptyline to sleep? My pdoc suggested it instead of trazedone and wasn’t very clear on why, but google says it’s for depression and nerve pain and I’m confused. I plan to ask him at my next visit, but I was hoping ya’ll had some advice! + +Thank you!",Bipolar +46489,"How do you know if you’re suicidal? The thought of ending it all has been crossing my mind these past few weeks. But the thought of the pain and suffering I would cause my family (my seven year old son and wife) is heart breaking. My son tells me that I look sad. My wife tells me that everything is going to be alright and I will get through this, but I feel like I won’t get through it and all won’t be alright. +All I want to do is sleep and watch tv. Is become increasingly difficult to get up for work in the morning. I loved my job but I don’t enjoy work anymore (I’m a chef). +I’m I suicidal or just going through another episode? +I felt great a month ago. Now I’m just blah. +I’m on 40mg Latuda. Maybe I need my dosage increased? +HELP? I’m confused!",Bipolar +46490,"I’ve been stable with my job and got a raise! I was a seasonal team member at a retail store, and my manager decided to keep me on and moved me on to sales lead. Around this time I felt myself coming loose and the depression was coming over me. My anxiety began to grow to the point where i felt like the ground was shaking below me all the time and the walls were creaking. I got an intense ptsd flashback where I acted out. There were some nights were i was SURE that all the cameras were watching me and people in photos or paintings were spying on me. This would be around the time work would get complicated and I would need to leave, but for the first time ever, I pushed myself through it and made it! My raise was 50¢ but it really does add up to a lot. I also got a store key, so I can close on my own now! (This is probably not a big deal but this is the first time ever for me) + +I’ve been working there for about 2 months now. It doesn’t seem like much, but this is the longest time I’ve kept a job in a while. I’m so happy for making it past those episodes, and I hope to keep working there until I make through my medical leave and go back to school :) ",Bipolar +46491,Anyone manic rn? I am it feels good af. Not doik g any drugs or anything just chilling tho,Bipolar +46492,"My new insurance considers my meds ""preventative"" So I thought this was interesting and also maybe a little sign of attitudes towards mental health changing. I got new insurance and was looking through the list of ""preventative"" medications, the ones covered at 100% and don't cost you anything, to see if anything I was taking was on the list. (It never is, but always worth a check.) + +First I searched depakote. To my surprise it was listed, but as an epilepsy medication. My first thought was whether or not they knew I wouldn't be taking it for epilepsy and I would get away with getting it for free! + +Next I searched for Cymbalta, and it was there! Listed as an antidepressant. In fact they had nearly all your antidepressants on there. Lithium is on the list and even some anti anxiety meds. + +Sure enough, when I filled my prescriptions, they were free. + +I mean it makes good business sense. I am more expensive if I end up in the hospital. Just like quitting smoking drugs are frequently covered because you're a lower risk if you quit. + +For some reason it just made me feel good. Like hey, it's just an illness and we know you need meds to keep it under control. No big deal. Or something. It also made me very people for everyone under this plan because while I do not currently have any issues paying for my meds, I know what it's like to be in that position and it's horrible. It's nice to know everyone I work with who needs this kind of medication can get it and maybe this is a new trend we will start seeing with insurance companies like smoking cessation drugs. Fingers crossed.",Bipolar +46493,"In hospital, not voluntary, but I really don't think I need to be here. What happens if you don't respond to ANY medication? I feel stable and don't want to be a medical guiniea pig. I only came here because I needed a safe place to go, and wasn't sleeping. I knew I wasn't making sound choices due to extreme sleep deprivation (would you)? but now I am sleeping better and see no reason as to why I should have to stay. + +I tried Seroquel in the past and hated it. + +They want to try me on Abilify. Any experiences with it? + +So far they've just given me Atvian which helped with my overwhelming anxiety when I got here.",Bipolar +46494,"has anyone taken olanzapine/zyprexa or valproate/valproic acid for anxiety? how that work out for social situations does it make you calm/relaxed around people and confident? + +",Bipolar +46495,"Been lurking over a year on this sub and wanted to share some good news. So I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features as per my diagnoses and I wanted to share some good news with this wonderful community. I will preface this by saying that after I got out of the hospital over a year ago (pretty long and arduous stay around 4 months) I was lost and I had no optimism about my future once I got my phone back I started googling med related things and this subreddit would always come up. I started to realize slowly that there are a large number of people with bipolar living productive and stable lives and that exhibit linear thinking. I thought I was relegated to being acutely ill for the rest of my life and that. I would have at least two major manic episodes a year that would always get me hospitalized. I will spare some of the details about these episodes because they are honestly a bit embarrassing and I imagine they could be triggering (drug usage). Anyways it has been over a year since my last manic episode and I haven't even experienced hypo-mania in the interim. Over the last year I went from living in group homes and care facilities to finally going back to college and getting A's and went back to work. I have been living in my own apartment for 5 months and have never had a period of stability this long. I think what actually worked for me was staying on medication for more than 6 months and working with a treatment team. I am actually really happy with my psychiatrist from Stanford and actually appreciate his style. He doesn't just shove pills in my face and actually takes over an hour to ask about how im doing and then during the last 5 minutes we talk about meds. He was even willing to take me off of my monthly injection and switch me to a lower dose oral dosage which seemed shocked me as the shot was the one thing that I would consistently take due to non-compliance. This made me realize that he trusted me and after that I started trusting him. My relationships are really solid now too and I have actually kept a friend instead of burning all my bridges like before. I actually got a job volunteering at one of the residential facilities I was a client at and this really helps to give me a feeling of fulfillment. I also started making music again which really helps as well. Lastly I think that staying sober (with the exception of the occasional beer with family) has been a huge factor in my stability. + +tl;dr + +Humble bragged a little, got medicated, got sober, turned life around and really appreciate that something like this community exists to know we aren't alone.",Bipolar +46496,"Question about lithium and possible secondhand effects? Hello, + +I don’t know if this is the right subreddit, but I am hoping someone knows what I’m talking about because I’m super frustrated and I tried to ask my doctor but they don’t know the answer either. + +Basically, my partner has been on lithium the day we met, and ever since meeting them, I’ve had frequent breakouts, patches of eczema emerging and rashes all over my body. My period has also been coming late every month since meeting them and I have ALWAYS been regular and on time. And now I’m starting to have these pinkish bumps on my face (not pimples I think.. blood would come out if I squeezed them) and their acne has also been getting a lot worse too. I’ve never had such a big reaction to anything before and I’m highly suspecting it’s their medication because I don’t know what else it could possibly be.. (we tried to switch soaps and detergents etc) They said that their previous partners never complained about any skin problems or etc but they only started lithium when they met me. + +Are secondhand effects possible from lithium? Has anyone else’s partners experienced the same thing or am I being paranoid?",Bipolar +46497,"Rapid cycling? Need help I am a 38yo female. My pdoc says I rapid cycle. Because I was untreated for 20+ years, my bipolar cycles have gotten shorter and shorter as I've aged. Now a cycle lasts 3, maybe 4 days. + +I'm on Abilify and Lamictal. Have been for almost a year. I still have little baby cycles, but lately my depression is really hitting me hard. It's weird, I'm deeply depressed but have energy to get out of bed, go to class, socialize, etc. I guess that is thanks to my medication. + +I am really becoming discouraged and hopeless. I'm having intrusive thoughts of suicide just because I am sick of being stuck in this endless loop of misery. And now I don't even get the hypomania to look forward to. I have often thought about how easy it would be to hang myself and just be done with it all. I'm NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF but I can't get this idea that I should out of my head. + +I do go to therapy which I do not find helpful as of late and my next pdoc appt is next week. I'm worried that my doctor will want to commit me if I admit how awful I'm feeling. I've never been committed and if I was, I'd fail out of my classes which would just be more fucking depressing. + +If anyone has words if encouragement or anything to help me out I'd really, really appreciate it. I feel very alone right now. I just need some relief.",Bipolar +46498,"Really needing some advice [TW for mentions of self harm/suicide] A quick preface is that I made sure to read the info and I'll be taking everything with a grain of salt and also reaching out to my physicatrist soon, but I'm not very comfortable with him so I wanted to see if anyone could help me sort of understand some semblance of what's wrong with me currently, and that all I know is that I have bipolar but I don't know what type and didn't even know there were types until the other day +-- +So since mid January I've been..I don't really know how to describe what it's been like. Definetly been up and down. I didn't end up creating this throwaway until I cut myself I dont even remember when, a few days ago or last week I dont know anymore. I just get so confused and disoriented whenever I try to figure out what's happening. I've just been crying and then being happy and then wanting to die and cutting myself and enjoying times with friends and sobbing because my friends hate me. Alot of crying and confusion I guess. It all started about maybe mid January ? I just remember not being able to speak up to my family (I'm 16) since it was my brothers birthday soon. Now it's my birthday in a few days. When I'm at my best, I'm drawing (all I ever do really) and watching but not listening to things. A sort of list of some stuff: crying constantly, eating constantly and feeling extremely hungry, sleeping at 9am until 6 pm, having trouble recalling events and feeling disoriented and confused alot, I was already paranoid before but it's been even heightened now, seeing larger things that aren't there than usual, feeling extremely insecure alllll the time and doubting and hating myself and feeling as if everyone I care about hates me and feeling guilty I'm like this, stopping doing everything I love (aka art) because I just can't bring myself to do anything but play cookie run and listen to videos, being tired all the time from crying and not sleeping, not being able to focus barely, thinking about wanting to die when it gets really bad, being extremely short and snappy with my family because hearing them speak to me is irritating me so bad I get so unreasonably angry I,only moving to eat and having even more extreme memory issues (it's taken me a long time just to being it back into my head everything that's been going on). I just want it to stop and I want to feel bettrr I'm so tired and stressed. I started writing this feeling sharp but now I'm just so confused and I don't know what emotiona I'm feeling right now I just want to sleep or die",Bipolar +46499,"depressive swing is back i’m on lamictal, lithium, and abilify at the max doses i can possibly (personally) take for these. i find that while my mood swings are now more muted, i’m still having the swings overall and they’re disrupting my life. + +i go from depressed > hypo > really hypo > stable > depressed all in the span of 1.5-2 months. + +i’ve just hit the depressive end again, and the hopeless/suicidal thoughts are back, and i feel stuck. my psychiatrist told me to go get a second opinion because he can’t help me anymore, and that’s scheduled for late march. + +i truly don’t know what to do. i know i probably need a medication change, but i’m in school so a hospital trip is out of the question. unless of course my thoughts get even worse. i’m getting really tired of going through this cycle over and over. ",Bipolar +46500,"Anyone get on disability while married with a semi okay work record? I feel like I’m having a mental break. My husband and therapist see it and we’ve talked about it. I currently have a job, but I really don’t think I can keep doing what I’m doing with where I’m at mentally. I would like to quit and try to get on disability, but what are the odds with my work record? Any idea?",Bipolar +46501,"Transitioning Treatment from Symptoms to Behaviors So I’ve been officially diagnosed with bipolar for about a year now. I had been diagnosed as all sorts of things before we settled on this. The medication has been working well now that I’m on the right things and I’ve made a couple lifestyle changes, like spending less time with my more reckless friends and not sleeping because I just could. + +And all of that has been going very well, and so is therapy. But this week I had a realization, about how messed up a lot of my mental relationships with things like sex and my past romantic relationships. On particular the combination of those two things and a lot of anger and shame about how I’ve handled things in the past. + +What I realized this week in therapy was my perspective has been all about limiting symptoms and episodes, I’ve been sleeping cause it makes me feel better. But I have been mad at myself for a long time about how I handled a breakup without changing the underlying behavior, and not thinking about how it has kept me in the same place. And that is an awesome realization. + +But what scares me is contending with the behavior. How I’m going to change what I’m doing not how I feel. I realize the two are connected but adding the other mode is scary. I’ve always thought that you can say I did this because of my bipolar and that explains the behavior but doesn’t excuse it. + +I just wanted to ask if people have gone through a similar process? And if so how did it go and how did they deal with it? + +Thank you ",Bipolar +46502,"Evidence for high TSH/low thyroid causing rapid cycling mania? I was recently diagnosed with unipolar mania/bipolar NOS after having a ton of hypomanic episodes over the past three years (started out as 1-2 a year but over the last six months I've had at least one a month, each lasting up to 10 days). + +I just started lithium, so I had my bloodwork pulled, and my TSH showed up with a result of 2.78 mIU/L. My psychiatrist looked at that result and said that we need to get it below 2, and that she thought my high TSH was the reason I was rapid cycling. + +She wants to get me on a synthetic thyroid and I'm skeptical. 2.78 mIU/L seems to be within healthy reference ranges, though it is on the high side, and I can't find any evidence that higher TSH values cause rapid cycling for mania. [I've found evidence that taking synthetic thyroid was effective in preventing rapid cycling with people with depression](https://psycheducation.org/treatment/thyroid-and-bipolar-disorder/high-dose-thyroid-hormone-as-a-mood-stabilizer-in-bipolar-disorder/), but it doesn't mention mania. + +Anyone have experience with this? I'd rather not take more medication if I don't have to.",Bipolar +46503,"Trying to get back into the gym Hi guys. +Recently diagnosed bipolar II here. I thought I had been struggling with MDD for the past few years and got my new diagnosis. My antidepressants made me gain weight like crazy and I’m feeling pretty bad about it. Switched to Lamictal and that’s going alright so far. My question is: those of you that struggle with BP, especially II, how do you motivate yourself to get to the gym, get a routine, and stick to it? I think it would help me improve my quality of life drastically but it never sticks when I go to the gym. ",Bipolar +46504,Geodon and depersonalization? I've been on geodon for a few months now and I have been in a constant state of derealization and depersonalization. Am I the only one who has been experiencing this? ,Bipolar +46505,Doctors appointment I have a doctors appointment on Monday. How do I go about mentioning I feel I may be bipolar without them looking at me like an idiot ,Bipolar +46506,"My behavior isn’t registering with me. Feeling a bit messy cognitively. How do you achieve self awareness? I’ve had a weird two months now with some mixed mania stuff. I feel like I’ve been doing better recently, because I’m not really doing to any risky type things anymore and I haven’t had any fits of rage, and I feel somewhat normal I think and in my perception I feel like I seem good and stable. None of this is being validated by anyone or anything. I feel extremely confused because like when I have a conversation I feel like I’m talking normally and in my head it’s making sense but I’ve had my therapist and some others telling me I need to slow down, calm down, or I get a look and then told I make no sense. I still haven’t regained any appetite and have lost about 40 lbs since December and I have to force myself to eat to take my medication or I throw up when I take my meds. I keep not sleeping and it’s not like I don’t want to sleep because I do, it’s like the concept of sleep isn’t occurring to me until I realize (like I don’t know how it got to be 5:57am right now or what I’ve actually been doing since around 10 pm) that the sun’s about to come up. I tried to put gas in my car today and couldn’t remember my pin for my debit and it only came back to me like 3 hours later. I had another weird bit where I couldn’t recall my sister’s name for like a half hour. I wasn’t talking to her or anyone but it was like I could see her face in my head that she was my sister but it was mentally straining and very unsettling. They don’t feel like typical moments where you forget what something means. + +I’m on 7 meds right now to try quash the manic stuff I had going on and I think they’ve done their job in that respect, but my head is feeling very cognitively fucked up and not like I’m a drunk or in sedated way but just like everything feels sharp in my head and important but I can’t figure out what it is? I don’t know how to explain it. I guess what I’m seeing in myself isn’t what others are seeing me and i don’t know if they’re lying, because I’m usually very self aware and I can’t tell if it’s me, or the medications since I got switched from latuda to vraylar and had some sedatives added on. And then it’s confusing because the cognitive symptoms I’m feeling aren’t being noticed, or at least acknowledged by anyone but they keep talking about things I’m doing behaviorally even though I swear I’m very calm and I don’t feel manic anymore and I’m not seeing it in me what they say they’re seeing. I don’t know what or who to believe or even why I’m still on 7 mqedications at this point. + +What are some self awareness techniques some of you use? I can’t afford to fuck up again and I need this weird stuff to clear up fast. + + +",Bipolar +46507,Current status. Manic. Sleep deprived. Tired but i cant sleep. ,Bipolar +46508,"I don't want to keep taking medicine, it's pointless. I've been taking medicine for the last 7 months, and I'm tired of it. I track my mood multiple times a day and it's pretty much just neutral all the time. I don't really think I need to take medicine, cause I feel like this is just my normal self that's having these neutral emotions. Like, I don't feel empty or emotionless or anything like that, I just feel generally peppy all the time. + +But, I'm afraid that if I do actually quit taking my medicine then something bad will happen and I'll ruin my life at the ripe old age of 21. I also keep having the thoughts of quitting my medicine so I can drink again even though I haven't drank since last May. + +So, how do you know if you actually need mood stabilizers or if it's your normal self that's having stable moods on its own. I don't even feel like the same person I was last summer before I started taking my medicine, but I also think I was relatively normal before that summer also.",Bipolar +46509,"I am torn between weed and meds So I got off all my meds for bipolar/psychosis a year ago and I started smoking weed daily and it was great, I was doing really good untill recently I am still smoking but now I am getting extremely manic or extremely angry where I'm starting to lose control but i am not deppressed nor have I had a psychosis episode. Recently I do get the urge to hurt others physically this isnt a normal thing for me, I have also noticed my teeth grinding is getting out of control my jaw hurts so bad and I'm worried for my teeth but I do it without noticing. I am concerned about going back on meds because everytime I have gone into treatment I have been locked up multiple times because the many medications i have been on which I started treatment at 10yo treatment have always failed me somehow it usually enhances my depression or psychosis I am torn between starting treatment again or staying on weed, I am afraid I'll end up going in and out of mental hospitals if I start medication again I havent been in a hospital since I started smoking weed, but I am also afraid it's just building up and I'm just a ticking time bomb.",Bipolar +46510,"are there communities for people in remission from BP? my illness has improved significantly this year. I'm not really in remission yet, but I'm becoming skillful in symptom management and I'm wondering if there's a community for this. A lot of the subreddits for mental illness, including this sub, are very support group/venting based. Which is great, but I'm looking for discussion of practical techniques for managing bipolar, major depression, and/or anxiety.",Bipolar +46511,Wellbutrin and Remeron Combination Have you ever been on this combination. What were your experiences? Did it treat your depression? What dose?,Bipolar +46512,"I think my wife might be Bipolar. Advice? So my wife was diagnosed with depression just over a year ago for reasons I won't go into. She cycled through some medication until she found one that worked Mirtazapine. She has been taking this for 95% of the year since she has been diagnosed. My concern is, is that while there has been improvements in herself, as much as less self hatred, which is something she struggled with. More recently she has been far more verbally violent and sometimes gets physical as well in herself and on me. The latter only once, the former a number of times. + +This isnt her nature, before she was diagnosed with depression and before the event that triggered it she was wonderfully sweet, caring, comforting and affirming of me, but now when she is in one of these phases of what seems like BPD all hell breaks loose if I say the wrong thing, it just triggers her, and I am unsure of how to deal with that, how do I deal with that. I was reading the post on here about how SSRI's and SNRI's can bring on these phases of not supplemented with something else. I wonder if this is happening? + +I am at a loss. I live my wife dearly, but I don't know what to do about this. How do I support her, how do I enable her to understand how she is being and seek help in that way? + +Any advice welcome, or any words of support appreciated. +Thanks. +A guy from the UK.",Bipolar +46513,"How do I come down? I’ve been hypomanic for the past month though I assume I’ve crossed into mania now. I wake up after sleeping a few hours and immediately feel like I’ve drank 6 shots of espresso, to the point where I’m just immediately shaky and jittery. It doesn’t even feel like a new day anymore it’s just a continuation of the day before. I’m drunk or high any minute that I’m not at work. Last night I became very paranoid that my phone was being hacked and that the cops were gonna randomly break down my door and arrest me for no reason. I have a bunch of tests coming up at school and I cannot sit down and focus on them because I feel so jittery and then smoke weed to “calm down” and then I can’t focus even more. I have the worsssttt racing thoughts from the very second I wake up and it’s almost like my brain is narrating everything I do. My friends are all applauding me for being so busy and productive and “not having a mental breakdown” but they don’t realize that me being productive is the mental breakdown. And I’m here really suffering. It’s been a fun month but I’m starting to get scared. How do you know if you’re experiencing psychosis? ",Bipolar +46514,"Does anyone else try to stay home and isolate because it's easier? I prefer to be alone and will avoid social interaction as much as possible. I'm really good at acting like a fun carefree person and because I rant / become overactive when manic people assume that I love to hang out and I have a lot of friends (which I wish I didn't in all honesty because upkeep is really stressful) in reality I hate going out with friends at night now and I'm just not interested in anyone's conversation about their mundane work lives or rocky relationships etc. I do have a few friends I love to talk to and be around, but generally I would rather keep myself away from everyone for fear of being triggered into depression or doing / saying something I shouldn't when manic. +I have a lot of hobbies that require me being alone (writing, drawing, film etc) and sometimes I even get flu-like symptoms when getting worked up about having to go to a bar or concert and stay home ""sick"". People must think I'm the most I'll person in the world at this point. +Does anyone else have this experience ? ",Bipolar +46515,"I'm exhausted There is something profoundly satisfying in hearing from a licensed professional that your are certifiably ill. That you experience not something that everyone else experiences. I have a problem. I have a disorder. It does not just come and goes as it pleases and logic doesn’t help defeat it, + +Today I did laundry, cleaned my room, cleaned out my car, got a car wash, had lunch and read at the coffee shop, went grocery shopping, fixed that lightbulb that was out for 4 months, made a huge meal for tonight & work this week, and I did not drink alcohol at all. I was so excited that I immediately told the people I cared about most, like it was some huge accomplishment or something.  + +The worst part is that I don’t want this feeling to go away. I don’t mind the swings, I’ve learned how to deal with that. I’m just lonely. I want to fix myself so maybe one day someone will love me. I don't know where to go from here.",Bipolar +46516,"On Abilify, not sure if it's causing anhedonia or my dose is too low. Basically, this is just a venting post. + + +I'm so bored, all the time. I don't care to do anything, not even take a shower, and I'm on 5mg of abilify and I have no idea if my dose is too low, or if I'm experiencing a side effect. I plan on calling my psych tomorrow to see what they think. + +The thing that confuses me is that I've got a bazillion ideas but when I try to put them into action, there is just no action. I can post all day long on social media because I'm talking about myself, but trying to write anything, zilch. It's like, I have an idea, but I can't get the idea out, and it's gone beyond writers block. + +It's like I can't think or something, and I have no depression (good) but I also don't feel happiness (bad). So I'm just super flat emotionally. + +I never used to be this way until about a year ago where I experienced a major depressive episode and ended up in the psych ward (best decision ever made, btw, learned a lot). I just am so irritated that I'm so bored despite having a bunch of ideas flowing through my head. + +&#x200B; + +I have ADD/ADHD, but I can't take meds for it, so I have racing thoughts and ideas constantly. It's just frustrating. + +The only thing that helps is .... well, social media because it's a major time waster and I feel like I have nothing to do with my time and the hobbies I have I have no desire to do them. + + +So, that's about it. Thanks for reading. ",Bipolar +46517,"I feel like shit. I'm swinging into a big, dark depression. + +I'm getting married in August and I'm kind of dreading it. Putting the guest list together has been stressful because I hate hurting feelings but I would rather elope so bad. + +I'm a full time teacher now. Prior to that I didn't work when I was in graduate school. I'm having to accept that I can't do the things I used to do all the time. I know this sounds dumb, but I bought a seasons pass for the local ski area and I've only used it once this year. That's the most depressing thing to me. + +My friendships have dwindled as I got older. It's pretty sad. + +I'm just sad. I hate life changes.",Bipolar +46518,"Advice on long-term treatment for a bipolar depressed family member? My brother has had bipolar depression since he was a teenager, he's mid-20s now and still living with our retired father. Recently, he ""attempted suicide"" by jumping off a 15-foot balcony and breaking his feet, leading to hospitalization (and inpatient psych). Given the background context below, what would you do? + +* He has talked about and threatened suicide hundreds of times + +* This is the third time he's been hospitalized in the last 90 days (previously for psychosis and suicidal threats) + +* Each time, he's released after 3-5 days after he begins to act normal and wants to go home + +* Our father is a psychiatrist who desperately wants to help him, and has not been willing to ""kick him out"" of the house + +* He has not been willing to consider longer-term inpatient psychiatric options (I don't know what options are available?) and because he always has had my father's home to return to, the hospital is always able to discharge him + +* He has seen at least 20 psychiatrists in the last decade, and taken hundreds of different medications, with zero success + +* He has received a year of ECT treatment, with significant memory loss and only temporary depression relief + +* He dropped out of high school due to a combination of social phobia, depression, sensory issues, and rage issues + +* He has never applied for a job + +* He sometimes wishes to move into his own apartment, but that gets derailed by his constant suicidal threats, changing his mind about everything, easily becoming frustrated and overwhelmed, and at least for now, he can't even walk... + +How do you end a revolving door of 5-day long emergency room and inpatient psychiatric visits? Is my father's home being open to him actually hurting his chances of recovery? Would being barred from returning home force him to choose between homelessness and long-term inpatient care? My father is in his 60s, and beginning to decline mentally, so I see this situation deteriorating long-term if someone doesn't do something. What would you do?",Bipolar +46519,"Depressive episodes are not forever One thing that gets me through my episodes is the knowledge that it can't last forever. For several years before I was diagnosed I only really experienced depression (no hypomania at all) and it felt like it would never end. And I know that a fair amount of people also feel this way. And some people suffer from chronic depression. But now with my diagnosis I feel that as long as my episode lasts and however intense it is it can't last forever. + +I guess it's just a small solace. But on the flip side, when I was just depressed I held on to hope that one day I would be cured but with bipolar that hope is pretty much squashed. So I guess it's a mixed bag.",Bipolar +46520,"Does anyone else have difficulty accepting your diagnosis when hypomanic or manic? I am a 30 year old psychiatric RN, I was first diagnosed with bipolar I when I was 23 years old. In retrospect I may have had 1-2 manic episodes before then- I was medicated a short time, felt better and then I talked myself out of my diagnosis. I would tell myself that I was just stressed and unhappy with my life so I was essentially just rebelling. It wasn't until what I believe to be my 3rd or 4th spring/summer manic episode that I sought treatment because I could see the cycle. +Context: My first episode I had been married for 5 years (got married to a man in the army when I was 18), I had two children who were 3 and 5 at the time. A lot had changed, I was going to nursing school which was terribly stressful, I was drinking a lot and smoking a lot of pot. My husband was lazy as fuck and would lay around all day and expect me to come home from a day of school and work and do all the shit around the house. Anyway, I began to say things to him like ""you're not my father"", ""I'll do what I want, I'm an adult"", ""If I want to go out with my friends I will"".... Which are things I had never said to him before... but I started to feel like my life wasn't enough and I needed more. So I started with the sexual symptoms, I was reaching out to plenty of people, men, women... everyone, my boss, his son... and I started doing really shitty things. One time I told my husband I was leaving to pick up a friend and I ended up going to a party and getting fucked up and never came home that night... and I had a lot of nights where I drank in excess and can't recall the events... Needless to say, by the end of the summer I had looked my husband in the face and told him without any feelings whatsoever that I did not love him anymore and I was moving out. He was DEVASTATED and I didn't care. I took my two kids and moved into an apartment. He would say things like, HOW do you not care? It wasn't until I came down from that episode that I realized how fucked up my choices were and actually cried about my massive life change. + +Episode 2: I had remarried by then, I had just had the second child with my new husband. I was terribly stressed with work and kids and I felt like my husband and I were on two separate pages and I began to resent him. He was controlling and possessive and I began to say the same things ""You're not my dad"" ""don't tell me what to do"" ""im a professional, I go to work, I make good money, don't restrict my life"".... and I began to get sexual and unfortunately I was working in juvenile corrections at the time and I was a woman amongst a whole lot of men.... So as you can imagine that ended badly... so my husband caught me in some bad predicaments and I ended up telling him I didn't love him and I was moving out and done. I took my kids and rented a house down by the lake in September. By Christmas I had realized I fucked up and my husband was more than willing to take me back and work on things so I moved back home. + +Episode 3: Husband and I had been working on our marriage, I was being really restricted at this point because he couldn't trust me... I was still kind of denying my diagnosis so I never brought that up to him and he just thought I was a terrible, no good, lying, cheating person... so he kept very good tabs on me and asked me a lot of fucking questions and it got old really fast... so some summer time.... I began feeling great, increased sexual drive, defiant and making the same statements. was drinking every day, smoking an eighth of weed every day, rolling blunts on my way to work and smoking before during and after work to get by... it was terrible looking back on it.. I had many nights where I didn't go home, I would stay with friends or ""sleep"" in my car... I had about 4 police contacts that summer, I could have easily ended up with 2 DWIs, I did have a harassment charge for punching someone, and I had 2 welfare checks because people were so worried about my erratic behavior. I had friends and family expressing their concern for me but once again I thought everyone else was crazy and needed to leave me alone because I was successful, made it to work, work performance was ok, and I still took care of my kids when it was my day to do so. My husband grew tired of my behavior quickly, obviously... so we were talking about splitting up again...I fell so hard from this one... I ended up being caught with a belt around my neck in the garage after calling my ex to come pick up my older two kids- the other two weren't home. That's why I decided I needed treatment... + +I fell from the last episode in October, 2018. It's now February and I usually start to trend up in the spring and I am anticipating it. I have trended my timeline and disease symptoms... I have red flags in place with my loved ones. One of them is wanting to drink... I haven't drank since September- and I know when I start to want to drink is not a good sign... but anyway, ive been thinking about drinking.... and I haven't said anything to anyone because I guess I am trying to convince myself that I can.. +I'm also starting to resent my husband again... he's controlling and manipulative and I don't think he understands my illness and he holds things against me... during my manic episodes everything is spinning out of control so fast that I can recall certain events but to put a timeline I really cant... like I know I did something but I don't know where it fits in and some minute details, that's hard for him to accept. he thinks im withholding information from him or lying.. and I can only tell him the same thing so many times before it's just maddening to me... +I'm currently on a med regime and it's hard for me to accept the amount of chemicals I put into myself every day. I take Wellbutrin, Depakote (needs to be increased I assume), buspar, Vyvanse, and atarax. +OK, back to the original question, am I the only one who tries to convince themselves that they're misdiagnosed? EVEN THOUGH I know that I am capable of ruining my entire life and everything I've worked so hard for, I'm intelligent, I work in the psych field and I am still trying to talk myself out of having to deal with this bullshit forever!! +",Bipolar +46521,"Anyone else just starting lamictal? Posted this on the BP2 subreddit, figured I'd do it here too. Just reached 100mg of lamictal after titrating for a month. Just looking for some solidarity and seeing if anyone else is in the same boat as me. ",Bipolar +46522,"Does buspar induce hypomania? I have undiagnosed bipolar 2 (my psychiatrist isn’t really sure if my hypomania is actually hypomania or just anxiety but I am 99% sure it’s hypomania and not anxiety) and I was just prescribed Buspar. I do have a significant problem with anxiety, however, I read that it can induce hypomania in people with bipolar disorder. + +In anyone’s experience, has it caused or worsened hypomania for them? ",Bipolar +46523,"Hypo again, I’d really missed it So I’m having a bit of a hypomanic episode right now and fuck! It’s been awhile but I’d kinda forgot how nice it feels. Like a lot of me doesn’t want it to end ever and I know that once this is over I’m gonna realize I made some dumbass decisions but right now I just feel so great. Anyways, check up in three days when I feel like ass :)))",Bipolar +46524,"Comorbid Anxiety? I sleep too much Hi guys, + +So it's been a very long time I've been here. Some good news: meds work, like work work. Took a year and a half to stabilize but Seroplex+lamictal+solian combo did a good job. I crashed a car in August and it was the last time I've been maniac since. + +But here it comes. These days I've been starting to think that hypomania was so intense and fun I feel like my life is so boring now. Plus I think I may have anxiety too. Lately I've been sleeping so much I can't even hear my alarms. I have trouble getting to sleep at night but I can sleep for hours at daytime although I had 10 hours sleep the night before. I get anxious when I have to meet friends or have a big party. I wake up a lot during the night. Monday I took 3 coffees during the morning and I had to get out of class cause I got stressed... + +What do you guys think? I'm meeting my psychiatrist on Saturday. + +And by the ways, thank you all for supporting me last year, it was so helpful there were many times I couldn't have been through it if you and my friends hadn't been here. ",Bipolar +46525,"Looking for advice about what to do now that I have no insurance. *I really need some guidance and/or suggestions. I have no support system and no one to talk this out with to figure out what I should do.* + +&#x200B; + +Backstory: + +I lost my job at the beginning of January. That (on top of things that I was already dealing with and at the time I was unmedicated) I ended up flipping my sh\*t and ended up in the mental health unit for a week. During that week they got me medicated with Lamictal and Latuda, stabilized and finally I was discharged with a follow up appointment with a pdoc already scheduled for me. + +The problem is that my insurance ran out at the end of January. I currently have no job (not for a lack of trying, I just bomb the interviews horribly) and no way to pay for a doctor's visit and my local resources can't do anything for me for a couple of months due to lack of openings through my county's community services board (I don't know what the term is for other places but this is set up to handle mental health stuff for uninsured or under insured people). + +My awesome therapist decided to keep seeing me even though the insurance is now cancelled, and my primary doctor is going to work with me to get me taken care of as well. My therapist, the pdoc in the hospital, and my primary care doc have all advised me against going back to work right now and are urging me to seek temporary disability benefits as they all feel that I need a year or two to get back to a functioning level and I hated to admit it, but I agree with them because I am completely unable to handle leaving my house most of the time now days. They all told me to go to social services and apply for Medicaid so that I can keep going to the doctor which I am working on as well as trying to figure out how to get disability. + + I have no insurance or money to pay for a pdoc appointment (first appointment as a new patient is base priced at $300) and medications; the Lamictal I can get without insurance for around $15 while the Latuda is about $1500. The makers of Latuda offer a discount program themselves but it's only up to $600 which still leaves me about $900 to pay out of pocket so that does me no good.In the meantime, I have no idea how to get my medications refilled and I know that I can't just stop taking them. + +The pdoc in the hospital said the Latuda would only be for a month and then he advised that I stop the Latuda and go fully on the Lamictal 2 times a day. Of course that would ultimately be left up to the pdoc I was scheduled to see. + +Should I contact my primary doc and see if she will write the Rx as the pdoc said it should be be after the month of Latuda was up? Is there anything that anyone knows of that will help me get low cost or no cost help? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks in advance. I hate to ask here but I don't know where else to turn at this point and I don't want to annoy my doc or therapist until I have an idea of the direction that I should be going in first. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46526,"How I stopped letting anxiety spirals control my life (xpost r/mentallyhealthier) I used to spend most of the day caught up in anxiety spirals. I used to fall into the trap of getting stuck in the past and beating myself up about mistakes, or fretting about the way things could go wrong in the future. (There's a term for this- rumination.) The only way I've found out of this terrible habit is through mindfulness meditation. + +Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment. + +Figuring this out, the idea that you can live your life without reliving your life story, has significantly improved my quality of life. + +I recently read this study: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733812](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733812) + +The participants engaged in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction therapy, and the conclusion was ""the more mindfulness meditation had been practiced, the less rumination was reported at follow-up assessment."" Though the participants were in a full on 8 week course of therapy, you can easily do this yourself with some effort. + +Basically, the goal is to “decenter” from thoughts and emotions, to see thoughts come and go without attaching any important truth or meaning to them. + +I'd recommend downloading the Headspace app, it teaches this stuff in a very practical way, and I found it to be very effective when I started out.",Bipolar +46527,"Unraveling my brain When I was younger, I just thought I was weird. Quirky. Kinky. + +Now I am realizing that all of that weirdness - everything that makes me, me - stems from a deeply unhealthy place. And I feel shaken, and I'm questioning everything. + +Polyamorous? Or just codependent, addicted to relationships, and unable to truly commit? + +Fun loving, or just impulsive and incapable of saying no? + +I want to be better, but it feels like I just act more and more crazy the harder I try. + +I just broke up with one of my partners. There were many issues, but as with my last relationship that ended, at the conclusion, I was left asking, ""why were we even together?"" I am nothing but a role.",Bipolar +46528,"Pharmacogenetic Testing? Has anyone had this done or seriously investigated it? I've been on the same med combo for over 10 years and I feel like I could be doing better. My therapist recommended I look into genetic testing with a different psychiatrist to give me the best shot at finding the best meds and dosages for me. I am seriously considering it, but wonder how effective it could be in relation to the cost. + +Any experience or input is most appreciated. + + ",Bipolar +46529,"Does it ever get better? Been struggling to find a reason or meaning, or a light at the end of the tunnel. All the pills, therapies, counseling, doctors; can't seem to fix what's wrong with me. It all feels for nothing. I feel like I'm permanently broken, discarded, a former shell of a person. Times become irrelevant. I don't live life, I just exist. I wish I could fix me.",Bipolar +46530,"Have you been in Involuntary/Assistant Outpatient Treatment? Take our survey. Hi all, MadInAmerica.com is conducting a survey of people who have been court ordered or compelled to be in Involuntary/Assistant Outpatient Treatment (IOT/AOT). + +[You can take the survey here.](https://www.madinamerica.com/involuntary-outpatient-survey/) + +If you aren't sure what Involuntary/Assisted Outpatient Treatment is, here's a quick overview: + +Outpatient commitment—also called Assisted Outpatient Treatment (AOT) or a Community Treatment Order (CTO)—refers to a civil court procedure wherein a judge orders an individual diagnosed with severe a mental disorder who is experiencing a psychiatric crisis that requires intervention to adhere to an outpatient treatment plan designed to prevent further deterioration that is harmful to themselves or others.",Bipolar +46531,"Is this normal rage? Sometimes, at work especially, when something doesn’t work right or takes too long or interrupts my thoughts, I feel a rage pent up and its like I cannot stop myself from hitting something or myself, or breaking the object Im holding. For example, I have broken equipment at work just by smashing it against the wall, and have bruised myself up in the process via punching myself, hitting things. Luckily Ive never been caught, but Its only a matter of time. Some co-workers have even seen me hit the wall, and throw objects work before. (Im usually quite jolly so they probably think Im nuts). + +I don’t always feel particularly unstable, Im usually on edge anyways, but it feels like Im normal and yet I know this cannot be totally normal. Anyone else deal with this or have any advice on how to calm down before getting physical? + +29yrs bipolar 1",Bipolar +46532,"Inside sales Does anyone else in here work in sales? It’s hard some days to motivate myself to pound out phone calls and perform how I know I should. Lots of pressure on me to move up quick and it doesn’t help out. Worried I’m going to crash and burn as I progress. Doesn’t help that when I taste success I tend to get manic. + +Sorry for the ramble just curious if anyone else is in sales with BP",Bipolar +46533,"Experiencing a mixed episode for the first time This episode has been going on for two and a half weeks now. I can’t eat or sleep. I’m so exhausted, there’s so many emotions I am going through in one day and it’s getting so hard. + +My therapist has put me on Prozac to help me get used to the Lamictal which I was put on mid-December. + +I don’t know how to reach out to my friends or family either. I’ve tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but i just feel as if he doesn’t know what to say or how to deal with it, which is okay because bipolar is so hard to understand (I don’t even understand it tbh..) I just feel unsupported by everyone in my life right now. Anyone I’ve supported and been there for has pretty much dropped me and don’t really talk to me when things get bad. + +I’m just so exhausted and I just want one day where I’m not going through a million emotions. I’m so tired. I just want to turn off for a while. I’m so tired.",Bipolar +46534,"Popped my spontaneous ""I quit my job"" cherry They say we can't hold down jobs. It makes me feel like shit. This job was horrible and not even worth being paid to do. Still I wish I could've given a full 2 weeks, but they didn't know what I was struggling with. I was about to lose it. There were so many major factors that were cracking before hitting my bipolar d/x, but I was too scared of how I'd react one second longer. So I've officially joined **that** club. + +What do I do now guys? I can't really afford therapy. I'm not mentally ready to get a new job quite yet. What would be the best types of jobs for us? who has had the best experience health-wise and where at? I live in a major city, but the bustle of it is pretty triggering as well. I just am defeated that my life is this way at this point in time. ",Bipolar +46535,"What should I know about taking propanolol? I get hand tremors from taking lithium so my doctor prescribed me 10mg of propanolol. Will there be bad initial symptoms? What have your experiences been taking it? + +I'm new around here so thanks for any help you can give me. ",Bipolar +46536,"Afraid and unmotivated I am 1.5 months into college. I'm finding it really hard to push past my fear of failure and lack of motivation to get to class. I feel like I'm such a disappointment, especially to my partner who tries his best to encourage me to go to class. My family has been so supportive of me going back to school and all I want to do is stay home. + +It's not even that I don't like going to school - I actually love it. I like what I'm studying and I'm excited to see what I will do after graduating. However, I'm also scared that if I try hard I will find that my best isn't good enough. I'm scared that I'll never amount to anything, or that I can't handle ""normal"" life. It makes me want to just ditch everything and be a blob. At the same time, I know that I HAVE to earn money and whatnot, and that this new education will help me get to something stable. I'm just having a really hard time getting to classes (still doing the homework though). + +How do you find motivation or the strength to follow through?",Bipolar +46537,"Is blocking out the majority of my childhood a thing? I feel like I can't remember anything before maybe 12, and it's concerning (I'm 20F) I have pretty much no actual memory of my childhood. I know facts about it, but I'm not sure how much of it is just based on hearing stories from my family. I don't remember being excited for my first day of school, or when my little brother was born. I barely remember any of the houses I lived in(there were a number). I don't remember what my relationships with my siblings were like, or conversations with my parents. I literally don't have almost any memories from before I was like 12/13. + +The exception being of my dad. I do have some clear, distinct memories of him being an abusive asshole. I remember things being thrown at me, being called fat, being yelled at. But even these I only have a few. + +I also have trouble with dates and when things happened. I have a hard time answering questions like ""when did you start this medication"", or ""when was your last dentist appointment"" + +I have BPII, severe ADHD, and I suspect I disassociate sometimes but haven't really discussed that with my doctor. I had a rough upbringing, and have a lot of lasting issues resulting from it. + +It makes resolving these issues difficult because I don't have clear ideas of what my childhood was like. I also feel incredibly guilty and sad because my mom died when I was 14, and I don't have as clear memories of her as the rest of my family does. + +Overall this is becoming a real issue. I plan on discussing it with my therapist next session.",Bipolar +46538,"Has anyone gotten out of an episode by using LSD? I was in the midst of a horrible mixed episode and impulsively took half a hit. It was a partly beautiful partly scary trip, and definitely a stupid thing to do when I was already so messed up, but I felt great the next day, and over the next weeks finally started to stabilize after almost three months of bipolar hell. It might be a coincidence and I'm definitely not recommending you do this, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience, especially after reading things like [this](https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/feb/10/amanda-feilding-lsd-can-reset-the-brain-interview)",Bipolar +46539,"Hello I'm new to this particular sub, but have been a member of the other one for a little while now. + +I was diagnosed bipolar 2 in September of last year. Before that it was depression, anxiety and OCD. + +I've been going through a really bad depressive episode here lately. I'm on Cymbalta, Buspar and Seroquel. The Seroquel actually helps...not so sure about the other two. + +I'm often overcome with feelings of hopelessness and, to a degree, don't want to leave my house. The OCD has been kicking in hard, too. I wake up every morning with this sense of dread and anxiety which I have to grit my teeth through. I'm unemployed and nothing that I used to like doing brings me joy anymore. I'm married, and my husband is awesome, but I feel like such a burden. + +Anyways, it's good to know that there is a community for us.",Bipolar +46540,"In the emergency room right now. Came here as I think I’m having lithium poisoning. Told my psychiatrist I didn’t want to be on this and I feel like he totally dismissed me. Now I’m suffering physically and mentally... Nauseous, migraine, chills, weird thoughts, throwing up. Felt awful all day and listened to my body. Something is wrong so I’m in the emergency room with my fiancé, baby, and brother close to midnight. I told my new doctor that I didn’t want to be on lithium and he told me I needed to be on it. Fighting off the shakes and just want to be home, without a migraine, and without a knot in my stomach. Has anybody else experienced lithium poisoning? ",Bipolar +46541,Everything feels like a distraction Whenever the people or the stuff or the music or whatever is gone I just feel dead,Bipolar +46542,"Loved Ones with Bipolar I am unsure if there already is a post on how to cope with loved ones with bipolar. Please let me know if there is. + + My husband was hospitalized about 5 months ago and it's been a roller coaster since with finding which meds work, finding a permanent psychiatrist, going to therapy, etc. His bipolar is affecting our marriage and it's like he's completely forgotten his life skills. We are seeing a marriage counselor very soon. Right now I am the only one working but luckily I make enough for the two of us to be living okay. It just gets overwhelming when I have to literally do everything on top of working full-time. We got a puppy as an ESA, which has helped tremendously. I only agreed to get the puppy to help him when I am at work and he did say he'd do most of the work of caring for the puppy, but I am the one that ended up caring for the puppy a majority of the time. I grew up with no pets. He grew up with dogs his whole childhood, so getting used to a dog was difficult when he just got out of the hospital. It's fine now since I've caught on quick with caring for a dog. + +It gets so exhausting with his mood changes. The smallest things upsets him and keeps him in a depressed/unhappy mood for awhile. For example: I was tired from work and didn't feel like going out to get food. Initially I did agree to get food but thought he was going with me, but I forgot his back had been hurting all day. I got home and didn't feel like going back out. He got so upset because he was hungry and he didn't want to eat what was at home. He has zero cooking skills and will always order food or grab fast food. He doesn't like going out in public, which I understand. But when he gets upset, I can't do anything at all. If I go to a different room, he says I don't care about him. If I want to do something to lighten the mood, he tells me to stop because I am not doing it appropriately for his bipolar at the moment. When it gets too much, I break down and start crying. He automatically makes me feel guilty by saying, ""I'm always the bad guy. You can never do anything wrong."" Anything I say is used against me when he's upset. He somehow finds ways to twist what I say to have a different meaning. + +When he is back in a good mood, we reflect on his behavior and how I reacted. He is reasonable when he's happy. He admits he was an asshole. I know it's his bipolar, but I don't know what to do anymore and am exhausted of this endless cycle. I've told him before when he's experiencing an episode, I always feel like he's gas lighting me. I honestly can't tell the difference between bipolar and gas lightining anymore with him. + +TLDR: I just want to know if there is some support group for people with loved ones living with bipolar",Bipolar +46543,"Manic and proud of myself for starting a big journey! How has your Thursday been? I'm finally moving away from Northern Virginia and slowing down my world to a pace I'm more comfortable with. I'm driving all my stuff and my bikes in my old 2 door jeep (most maniacal idea I've had in a while) to Florida on Wednesday, first move and 1,000 mile road trip of my life. ?? 2 months ago me wouldve been shi**ing bricks at the idea but I'm really starting to sort it all out since I started Lamictal and Hydroxyzine again. Hope all you beautiful people are having a good week going into a long weekend!",Bipolar +46544,"Wow. Latuda Lactation. I'm on 60mg Latuda, 50mg trazodone. I've been taking that for about 3 months now. I'm now randomly lactating. I can't find much about this with Latuda. Has anyone else experienced this? +My psych is a little confused about it, saying the Latuda should have less side effects. +Im about to get a blood panel done. Im also getting an MRI because of my past history with breast cancer. Co-morbid diseases are dumb. ",Bipolar +46545,"Microdosing antidepressants? So me and my psych have been working on addressing my negative symptoms and she suggested microdosing an SSRI. I've had bad experiences with SSRIs (and every other antidepressant out there) in the past, they always make me manic. Does anyone have experience with this? I'm also on lithium, trilafon, seroquel, ativan, and adderall.",Bipolar +46546,"[Help] Depakote side effects (x-post from r/bipolar) Please help. + +Just started depakote on Friday. 250mg/2 day. + +I feel lethargic. I sleep as much as I can and can’t get enough. I feel sick. Drinking water makes me want to vomit. I get mild visual/audio hallucinations, but I have a feeling that’ll pass. My muscles are pretty shaky and I feel week. + +How long will this last?",Bipolar +46547,"manic paranoia / work rant I keep fucking up at work (already 2.5 months in) small mistakes but consistently enough that I truly believe everyone hates me and complain about me and my “boss” (postdoc) thinks I’m incompetent (I sure as hell feel fucking incompetent) and on the verge of getting canned any minute.I try so fucking hard, I feel nauseous starting basic experiments. I have hours long sobbing sessions when I get home (when I should be studying). It’s a mixture of this very long manic episode and I think my medications are making me a bit scatterbrained and forgetful. it’s all just a giant fucking mess. ",Bipolar +46548,Experiences with lithium? Psychiatrist says I can stay on 200mg Seroquel but she thinks lithium would be a better treatment for me. I've done too much reading about the side effects and I'm a bit freaked out. What are you experiences with lithium? Has anyone switched over from Seroquel?,Bipolar +46549,"Scary false memories and deja vu as well as horrible akathsia. Extreme trigger warning! So I have these false memories that I was a child rapist/molester, serial killer, and robber. If these were true I would be in prison by now. Except I'm hallucinating thinking its real. I went to the hospital because it was so intense. I was taking 200mg of Seroquel. Also I have dejavu that I have been in this exact moment in my life. I was telling my psychiatrist and different nurses about this stuff. I'm on 3 antipsychotics right now and I have horrible akathsia. I can vision my own death and I'm really scared for my life. + +I've never had these memories before! I was very suicidal as well. I'm afraid for my life.",Bipolar +46550,"Thank God for my wife So today I was supposed to go get our niece's car, take my kids to the doctor, go to best buy (my kids cashed out some stocks they got when they were born and wanted to get a few things), and run a few other errands. I get easily overwhelmed just taking my kids to school. I can power through that but just barely. All this other activity plus driving a car I want no responsibility for in the rain had me going bat shit crazy. Add to that I don't have my buspar right now. So I start ugly crying cause I can't just power through it. My wife holds me, tells me it will be okay, and calls in sick to work to handle things. Thank goodness that her boss is very understanding and they have a very liberal call in policy. So here's to all the spouses who deal with us and are extra supportive through all our emotions.",Bipolar +46551,"Is it my bipolar, or does it sound like something different I should explore with my pdoc? I've been having a lot of trouble lately. I'm on a solid cocktail of meds, and I take them regularly. But in the last month I've been having stuff go on that I can't tell if it's a result of bipolar or just stress generally, and it would be really really helpful to know if what I'm experiencing is within the norms of breakthrough symptoms, or if I should consider looking for answers outside of my bipolar. The following things I've been experiencing for about six weeks, increasing over the first couple of weeks and then the level at which I'm experiencing them has kind of evened out.... + +? Difficulty concentrating. Sometime it feels like there is a fuzzy border closing in around my vision if I'm trying to focus on something. My brain gets fuzzy and my thoughts feel like they are just entitities taking space in my brain, growing and pushing the limits of what my mind can contain (like my thoughts are swelling my brain....fucking weird. I know.) + +? Often feeling like I want to break into tears for seemingly no reason. Much of the time it is because of aforementioned feeling of fuzziness and there not being room in my mind to think straight. + +? Feelings of being completely out of control of my own life, that it is driven by external factors only. + +? Becoming more and more preoccupied with my self-image, again and while all of my measurements are stagnant, am experiencing the physical feeling of being larger, fattier, and I look significantly different in the mirror. + +? Headaches along my orbital sockets frequently (every 2-3 days), which almost always provokes fuzz brain. + +? Significantly diminished desire to do anything at all, including hobbies, taking dog for walks, exercising, chores, errands, sex drive diminished - all coupled with physical feeling of absolute physical exhaustion. + +? Sporadically becoming really tired, sometimes to point of barely being able to keep my eyes opened. Eyes water and vision becomes blurry when this happens. + +? Significantly more jaw clenching. + +? Having more defensive responses which tend to come out snappy, when it's totally unwarranted. (This I can almost definitely attribute to my bipolar, I always get snappy when I have mood shifts.) + + + +Thanks in advance, I appreciate anyone/everyone's input. ",Bipolar +46552,"I feel like things are catching up to me and I am tired I spent the last two years telling myself to not be sad or angry, and telling myself that depressive issues were simply unacceptable and disregarding the patterns because I managed symptoms so well for four years. Got into my dream school after five years, no self-confidence, not solod on resources, too much pressure, depressive cycling, poor performance, got kicked out. Took time off, made a bunch of promises. Three months back in the school (everyone was so happy) and I was kicked out again. + +The depressive episodes and ensuing nastiness fed (feed) off of my extreme guilt and fear from a lack of support structure and having ruined my opportunities already at this age and crashed my big dream. + +I was ""discouraged"" from working so I could not always comfortably cover psych and meds. All I wanted was to be free. Any money I receive came with strings attached with the subtext that I would do what 'normal people' do- get a degree to be a valid person with a future (*like your sibling* narrative). + +So I lied about school, lied about my health, trying the same things over because I wanted the help I recieved to be valid and prove myself as ""not problematic"". Then I hid the drop out. I am terrified of the person of influence who I lied to the most. + +I wrote a letter clearly explaining that I am not ""better"" than ""other people"" with mental illnesses and need to reevaluate my choices because continuing to try when I just keep cycling is stupid. + +I did not receive a good response. To me admitting my fear of failure, shame, and poor mental health- a sentence, and $50. No contact for a month. So I know what to expect. + + I hurt them by lying, since they put in alot of time and money to help me get this far. But they were really calculated and nasty in the past and I don't know if the rug will get pulled from under me by coming clean. + +Now I sitting in this place I won't have the money for soon, on a phone that will get shut off, havent seen my psych in two months, trying to imagine a future different from the only one I ever imagined, or not being homeless. I want to freak out, scream, and walk off but I need to get a job, move, and think about a new future. + +All the food I ate didn't make me feel better and frankly I'm more likely to get employed if I look decent so I should cool it there + +He even sent me a Valentines Day card before I sent that fucking awful letter. I feel like a piece of shit. I ruined myself",Bipolar +46553,"Anyone here overcome Amphetamine abuse during depressions? I haven't used since last year, but I'm in a depression now. The cravings have been building over the last month, pretty severe cravings. I'll have anxiety attacks just thinking about it. The depression's making me tired, unmotivated, and well, depressed. I go to AA and NA meetings, but the meetings themselves don't help when I'm in depressions. It's like my body's craving the instant euphoria and dopamine if I go score. It really does help my depression temporarily and I'm able to quit fairly easily when summer comes from hypomanic energy, but I don't want to use because I know the stuff is dangerous. I'm also on meds and they help some, but don't solve it completely. I don't have this problem when the weather is good, summer hypomania replaces the need for stimulants. I have a SAD light lamp that I use maybe every other day, but it's not the same thing as the sun. + +I'm thinking instead of relapsing, I could go see if a 72 hour pysch hold will reset me? Probably not, the weather is still going to be shit and I'll be depressed. Or I could buy a plane ticket to somewhere warm and stay there for a couple months? ",Bipolar +46554,"When someone asks ""what's wrong with you"", what do you answer? Currently on a depressive episode. I look all wrinkly, fed up and messy. Coworkers and friends star asking me what's wrong. It really pisses me off because some know my diagnosis and ask me again and again when they know for a while that being depressed for a month is not your regular sadness. It also embarrases me because I don't want to show instability for professional reasons so I answer I'm sleepy or couldn't sleep well. In this cases, what is your approach? ",Bipolar +46555,"Too much stuff Im going through this episode where i keep thinking i have too much stuff. Doc said its a manic thing, but I'm really anxious about it. I feel claustrophobic in my own home. I have this feeling that i need to get rid of every physical object i own because I'm so uncomfortable. This feeling comes and goes every few weeks, and i dont have much in the way of possessions. Im ways trying to justify giving away or throwing away my belongings. Any ideas on how to cope?",Bipolar +46556,"Brother committed, diagnosed, home. Still manic? My brother 26 was committed for a manic episode, diagnosed bipolar and was released today. Immedietly drank with his buddies, took the brand new truck he bought during this manic episode and blew up at my dad for making payments on his over drawn accounts. He was committed for 20 days, but just started the bipolar medication about 10 days ago. He looks and sounds so much better, but he's still talking about how intelligent he is and that he has all of his finances in order and knows what he's doing. I'm afraid he hasn't actually accepted the diagnosis or realised just how much of a mess there is to clean up. He started his own company this year, and I'm scared to death all of his financial issues will get so much worse. He doesn't seem to care, says he feels amazing and is planning on furthering his business. I guess my question is how do I approach him about this without seeming overbearing or telling him what to do? Should I wait and see if the meds just havent kicked in yet? What do you wish your family and friends did differently?",Bipolar +46557,"Finding the right meds I started treatment a year and a half ago. I know I am better with meds and I am really grateful for them. But I don't feel good yet. I've had a couple great days even one great month but it never lasts and then the doc just ups dose. I'm starting to feel like I'm on a hell of a lot of meds (400 lamotrigine, 300 quetiapine, 120 propranolol) to not be getting satisfactory results. I do trust my doc and follow all his directions, but how do you know when you finally have the right cocktail? How long did it take you to find it and once you did, how long did it work for you? +",Bipolar +46558,"9 Months after psych referral, still no diagnosis I've been seeing a psychiatrist since last May in the hopes of getting a diagnosis for my frequent mood swings which seem like hypomania and severe depression. straight away she told me she doesn't work to a diagnosis, she works with symptoms, and to not expect a diagnosis anytime soon. at first i was upset and kept badgering her for a diagnosis, but as months went by i warmed to her and accepted it. + +nine months on, i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever getting diagnosed. i tried to bring it up to her recently, she said it's still too soon to tell and she wants to get a sense of the timescale of my mood swings by seeing me for longer. i've had a lot of really bad personal life dramas in the last six months, so it's hard for her to see whether my moods are a symptom of mental illness, or just a really normal reaction to the terrible things that have happened to me. she said i clearly have some issues with emotional regulation, but that it doesn't seem like classic bipolar. my GP also mentioned cyclothymia in the past but my psych didn't bring it up at all. i told her that i'm worried about getting a bpd diagnosis because of the stigma, and she understood, but i think that's still in the mix in terms of which things she's considering. in every other sense she's been so lovely and helpful, getting me on the right meds (lamotrigine, which has been a godsend), referring me for counselling, and referring me for a care coordinator so i can get some extra help in between our appointments. so i know she's not a quack, and i trust her completely. it's just hard to understand when i know other people who've gotten diagnosed in their first appointment. + +has anyone else waited this long??? it's getting frustrating when i'm trying to justify my illness for benefits claims and don't even know what to call it. ",Bipolar +46559,"Annnd THERE’S the downward slide Posting because, like seeking treatment, you tend to when you’re depressed and not when things are energetic and manic. Been taking stimulants for so long that now I realize, I was taking more than usual (for school), that I realize I was self-medicating. Bummer. Oh well, more espresso, less depresso.",Bipolar +46560,"I need someone to talk to [self harm trigger warning] Had harsh side effects from a new med which interacted with my cornerstone med. Because of this I haven't taken them for a month. + I've been cycling horribly for the last month. Two days ago it was my birthday and yesterday my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me. +I'm losing my mind and Ive lost my best friend and support system. +These dark thoughts of ending my life are always in the back of my mind, but they've never been so present and loud as they are right now. +. +This is the only sub I feel comfortable reaching out to. +If you did, thanks for reading",Bipolar +46561,"Therapy for bipolar? Hi! + +I'm asking on behalf of my non-tech mum. + +She is over 50, she was diagnosed with bpd just last year. She started having symptomes after her thyroid was removed (due to the risk of cancer) and she is on thyroid hormones. + +She was always more on the ""maniac"" side and by this I mean never depressed, always energetic and doing more things at once than one person could be capable of. Then the ""first depression"" came, then again she was up with her mood and from that time the extreme swings started, finally causing a 3-months long deep depressive state. So she went to psychiatrist (some professor someone reccomended her) who prescribed her some meds (idk exactly what, but something more like a 1st generation lithium thing?). He told she does not need to go to the therapy as this is purely physical (like the ""chemicals in the brain"") thing, not managable with therapy. + +At first there was a huge improvement after just two weeks and it lasted about six months of really minor swings and neutral state. + +But now she is back at the deep depression state and I am worried that meds are not right. I know absolutelty nothing about bipolar other than what internet taught me, but I have a feeling that a) those meds might not be well-suited for her? b) she should at least try therapy? + +She obv does not want to go to any other doctor, she kinda feels uncurable at this point and even blames herself for the state, and blindly listens to the ""professor with years of experience"". Idk, can you hint me with things that worked for you so I can try and advise her on? Would therapy be useful? And if so, what type of therapy? + +Thank you in advance ",Bipolar +46562,"Meds and hallucinations I had my first visual hallucination while taking abilify. I also had my first auditory, and full visual (ie not just shadows or people moving out of the corner of my eye, but a demon sitting on me) then. + +I had the mild visual hallucinations continue until I stopped lithium. + +On no meds, I see words in the carpet, but just barely. + +On depakote, they’re back. I saw shadows moving in front of me a few times last night. I couldn’t sleep for hours because I was sobbing in terror. + +Wtf. How did meds make this worse?",Bipolar +46563,"Titrating down Desvenlafaxine -50 mg / Lamotrigine -50 mg - What can I expect? Stepping down off of Pristiq from 100 to 50 mg and Lamictal from 200 to 150. + +What can I expect when titrating down on these medications? ",Bipolar +46564,"A win but also a vent I just want to share that over the last year I've been 300% more active than I used to be. I've gone hundreds of kilometers on my stationary bike and when I bike I go hard 75% of the time -- drenched in sweat, heart pounding, out of breath. I started doing pilates to strengthen my core and my arms. I walk my two dogs through the woods 5 days a week. + +However, thanks to magic of seroquel, I'm still kinda fat. I'm right at the line of healthy/overweight on the bmi index (seriously if I lost 1/2 pound I'd be in the healthy category). + +I'm watching what I eat, getting loads of veggies, switched out most carbs for alternatives, even cut down on my one major weakness : potato chips. My fitness pal says I'm running a 300+ calorie deficit most days. + +But I look in the mirror and I don't see much improvement. My arms are a little more toned, I can see my cheekbones more clearly. But that's about it. + +I know that the exercise IS making me healthier. My heart, my lungs, my strength. But I wish I could see the results more. I wish I got to shop for new clothes, to show off my hard work. + +To top it off a friend of mine recently lost about 20 Pounds just by cutting out the insane amounts of candy and soda she was consuming. And everyone is gushing over how good she looks. + +I know this is a real pity party I'm throwing for myself. But I do crave that outside validation at times. Because I can't even share with the majority of my friends the reason I'm struggling with my size. Nothing makes the average conversation more awkward than tossing around the word ""antipsychotics"". + +Anyway, I just wanted to share how well I'm doing being active without anyone doubting it because of my size. I think my seroquel buddies will understand. + +",Bipolar +46565,"First week of student teaching This week was my first week taking over FIVE 9th grade english classes. + +Monday there was a two hour delay and my co-op teacher was sick. The sub said eight words all day and I was shakey to start. I barely got sleep trying to focus on knowing the content (my memory blows) and adjusting lessons every night and i had to skip a lot of breakfasts bc I would wake up dry heaving from the nerves. + +I got better almost every period it felt like and after a week of dread and wondering if I could handle of this I feel so relieved that I get a fresh start again on monday. Still a long way to go + +I had to gush somewhere. I havent been happy like this in a while. Just a reminder that things can work out even with a lot of highs and lows along the way.",Bipolar +46566,"Mixed state (TW) This inner tension keeps building. It is so impossibly tense I could swear it’ll snap at any given. Yet it never. ever. does. Mixed state makes me wanna rip my face off. And I am not a violent person. This horrifies me. I see the glass of water I am drinking from in my hand, and the thought flashes I want to smash this against my face. Not for the self-loathing. No no no. But for the shock of shards in that sensation, that might actually feel refreshing, against this numbing blunting nauseating depression. I can’t run from it. + +I want to quietly go quiet. Motel. Spend what’s left of my bank account at a motel. To quietly go quiet. ",Bipolar +46567,"Generic Abilify has become too expensive. Any suggestions for an alternative? I'm in the USA and my generic Abilify is now $30 a month (up from $5) through Medicare. I also have the ""Extra Help"" program for those familiar with it. I'm on disability and on a very tight budget. +It's been a good mood stabilizer for me but I need to explore cheaper alternatives that are NOT Seroquel with my pdoc. +Any suggestions that I can look up prices for and ask my pdoc about? +PS it really sucks that the US has such a shitty Healthcare system that I'm being priced out of a med that works for me.",Bipolar +46568,"i think i’m having an episode or some shit they want to put me back on meds and for a long time i was really really happy and fine without them now i’m so scared and freaked out because I’m feeling really overwhelmed by this illness or whatever I have literally all the symptoms and I just thought i was misdiagnosed for a long time and i don’t understand and there’s too much stuff online and i don’t know who i can trust online Or In the real world and i feel like it’s concrete that i am CRAZY and I thought i was doing so good and I was normal and I think that I’m just freaking myself out and it’s impairing my ability to function and i have STUFF to do! I’ve worked really hard to try to rebuild my life that I fucked up and I am not going to let anything ruin that!! I’m sorry if this is a little much, I’m just really upset right now. ",Bipolar +46569,"Like what the fuck I can't fucking do anything like a normal person. I got into a huge fight with my parents today because I can't take 4 college classes at once. Realistically I can only take 2 because of my stupid high stress levels. My mom was telling me that when she's stressed she WALKS AROUND HER FLOOR ONCE. No Mom, you being stressed out teaching sixth grade isn't the fucking same and I've heard plenty of anxiety coping strategies, you aren't going to fucking fix me by telling me to take a walk. And it super doesn't help when you tell me that ""I have a right to be upset."" No fucking shit you do but that doesn't mean that you get to overrride any feelings I have and tell me that I don't really understand my own emotions and that your life is so much harder than mine. EVERYTHING ends up being about her feelings and how she has a right to feel stuff. No one is trying to take that from her, all I trying to fucking do is express what's wrong with me. When I fucking say that I'm dropping a few classes no matter what their input is, my mom immediately takes that and says ""obviously you don't care about me or my feelings!"" No mom that's fucking not what I said, I said I need to reduce my course load because of my fucking mental illness and I said that whatever your opinion on this one fucking thing is won't change the outcome. Then she goes on about how I'm so selfish and never think about her and how my plan for life is shit and how I just need to do whatever she tells me to have a real life. FUCK YOU and you trying to explain to me that I'm just getting in my own way and how I just need to commit to something and everything will be okay. YOU TEACHING SIXTH GRADE DOESN'T MEAN YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. I'm so tired of her always thinking she knows exactely how to fix me and that it's so fucking easy to overcome this and ""just act like normal."" Stupid fucking rant over.",Bipolar +46570,"I am spiraling. Yesterday my panic attack lasted basically all day and today I've been waking up crying. Like the title says, I feel like I'm losing the battle again. I'm on Lamictal, but this weekend something triggered me and I've been failing to cope. Someone who I thought was my friend invited me to hang out and I had to drive quite a bit so it wasn't like a spur of the moment thing. Then my friend ditched me to hang out with someone else and left me with his friends who I had just met that night. I left in the morning (I was staying over) and they never came back. I did something kind of petty to get back at them and when I called to apologize, they said they ""owed me a call, but were out with their friend X right now"", so that made me feel even more like shit because apparently it's ok to ditch me, but not step out for a phone call. I really cared about this person and it just sucks to be treated like I'm disposable. Normal me would have been able to handle things better, but I smoked some (A LOT) of pot on Friday and it triggers my moods. I don't know how I'm going to get over this because my chemicals seem to be all out of whack. I just feel like life is a freaking rollercoaster of crap and I don't think I have the strength anymore. I just want to stay in bed for the rest of my life. I've also been single for a LONG time and it's because I've been unmedicated for most of my life until recently, but I still have moments of crazy. Who out there could even deal with this shit? I am so alone. ",Bipolar +46571,"What is YOUR personal experience during highs and lows? What changes do you notice when going into each of them? We all know the “textbook” symptoms, but every person has their own unique experience with bipolar disorder. What’s yours? ",Bipolar +46572,"Help with potentially changing psychiatrists? Hello all, + +I was diagnosed as BPII a little over a year ago and began seeing a psychiatrist not long after. Personally I think the world of my psychiatrist. But I am still struggling a lot. At times I feel like we've made no progress. Dealing with the illness has been a long, difficult learning experience that has also been painful at times. I know that it can potentially take years to find the right combination of medications. So I've tried to keep this in mind through all the medication adjustments and changes. I'm beginning to lose hope that there is a drug or a combination of them that will allow me to function like a (mostly) normal person. I've talked with my therapist about getting a second opinion on the medication side. But I just don't know how to have that conversation with my psychiatrist. This is a new situation for me and I'm really conflict-avoidant.",Bipolar +46573,nightmare related to my bipolar disorder I have been extremely manic the past week or so and a few nights ago I experienced a nightmare that really irked me. I get weird dreams and nightmares quite a lot but this one was extremely unsettling. It started off with me walking down a street in the city I live in and I could see something up ahead so I started walking towards it. When I got close enough I saw a person with a bag over their head being held in handcuffs by two men and was wearing a nightgown of some sort with “BIPOLAR” written across it. They were knocking door to door telling people to stay away from people with bipolar disorder and that they’re freaks. I started running down the street and I passed two children in a window sewing dolls (not sure what that was about but pretty creepy) and after that I woke up. Overall it was a horrifying dream and I would like to know if anyone else with bipolar disorder has had a nightmare similar to that. ,Bipolar +46574,"Been on the downward side lately. Would you guys pray, send good vibes, remember me in meditation, sacrifice a goat or whatever you do? I could really use the boost. Thanks guys.",Bipolar +46575,"Hypersensitivity Does anyone else suffer with extreme hypersensitivity? Stress really pushes me to lose all control and react in withdrawal, tears, fear and extreme reckless behavior like quitting my job because in that moment I'd give my arm to get away. Controlling stressors is something I never could do. Does anyone else have a similar problem or perhaps any pointers? I feel like I'm losing a hold no my life. ??",Bipolar +46576,"Sleep Apnea I have a sleep study appt in April to see if my Pdoc's suspicion is correct. I'm also 99% sure I have sleep apnea due to my loud snoring, waking up choking for air and my husband just recorded a cycle of me not breathing last night. + +We all know proper sleep is crucial for managing Bipolar disorder. What I'm wondering is how did getting diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea help you manage your disorder? Is it possible that my daytime fatigue will be reduced? Did your cycles decrease in severity or at least in length? Did you notice any changes at all? + +To know that I stop breathing while I am sleeping kinda freaks me out. Any other advice is welcome.",Bipolar +46577,Has anyone else been violent when manic? I have on numerous times. I hate to admit but I can be pretty dangerous. I am like an angsty teenager but a lot worse. I can be very weird too. Anyone else?,Bipolar +46578,"Lamotrigine to Trileptal Questions re: depression and hair loss Not remotely manic. 54 F, history of major depressive disorder and 2 types of anxiety since adolescence; recently dxed on the autism spectrum (PDD NOS) and also complex PTSD. HLA 1 and 2 mthfr mutations. Suicidal last summer and out of work for 2 months. 25 mgs of lamotrigine REALLY helped me. I survived an itchy, scary rash, which is now quiescent, but my hair started falling out (mostly on top and at the temples, giving me a Draculinuan hairline) at 50 mgs. I had a radical, fast response to the lamo, but since a shaved head at my age is not a good look, had to back off. Some loss still at 25. + +The biggest irony of the lamo experience is that I suspect if I were to keep taking it, I could have found a way to live with the hair situation. I cannot afford a good wig. I make 16.00 an hour. I have no self esteem to draw upon in this regard, so my NP okayed me to drop it and start trileptal, which she said might work for me like lamo seemed to. + +Has anyone here done this/used trileptal for treatment resistant depression? Results? Effects on hair? + +Much thanks in advance. I hope this ticks no one off enough to remove it.",Bipolar +46579,"Coming off of Lamactil, which was honestly lovely save for some severe (but not SJS) skin reactions... I'm in hell, and Pdoc wants me to start Seroquel but I don't wanna. Bleh. + +I was on 200mg of Lamactil for 4 months. I had some of my very best days ever in those 4 months, emotionally speaking, but I had some ugly blisters, and a mouth full of ulcers, that I/we eventually decided were due to a reaction to Lamactil. + +SO i've been doing a fast taper, 50% lower a week, I'll be done with the taper next weekend... + +This morning had an emergency appointment witht the pdoc because the depression lows were getting worse than they had been since before starting Lamactil... + +So, she wants me on a fast taper up to 300mg of Seroquel. The side effects terrify me, I'm already obese, being lethargic and gaining wait, along with all the other pretty common side effects... + +I mean I know I'll probably feel better, maybe, but at a cost I'm not entirely sure I can bare. + +My other option is to use copious amounts of marijuana, which she is like, 50/50 on. She wasn't into marijuana before we had a legal program, and now she's relenting a bit... + +I have my medical card, but I'm actually totally sold on the idea. + +Funny thing, i've gone and and off with pot since my 20s, but have mostly given it up the 6 months before we had a medical program. + +Just ranting, but if anyone has anything to add that would be great.",Bipolar +46580,"“Lost my way, constantly pushing without rest within the harsh rainstorms” (My first post here because I stay in r/bipolar with my dumb memes lol) + +That’s some lyrics to one of my favorite songs. It’s Lost by BTS I found it a few years ago and I cry every time I hear the song, even more now that I connect it to my Bipolar. I lost everything when my symptoms got really bad. I lost my job, freedom, sanity and almost my life. Now to make sure I don’t go off the deep end again I constantly have to go to therapy and take medication. I’m going to have to watch everything I do for the rest of my life so I don’t trigger an episode. I have to push through the hardships and never give up even though sometimes it’s hard and I want to give up again like I did in the past. + +Sorry, I just wanted to share, it popped up in my playlist and even though it’s in Korean I still remember the lyrics and bawl my eyes out especially if I’m driving alone lol",Bipolar +46581,"Weight Gain Rant I went from 140 to 128 during my last manic episode, but have recovered enough to become euthymic/ stable on my cocktail. + +Initially, I was taking 500 mg Seroquel with 150 Lamictal, 2 mg klonopin, and 30mg buspar. My weight slowly crept up to 150. I complained about it to my doctor, and she added in Vraylar while taking me down on the Seroquel. + +Now, I've been on Vraylar and Seroquel for over 2 and a half months, and I'm now at 160. I'm only 5'2"", and I do HIIT (Orangetheory fitness) 4 times a week. The insatiable hunger is still there, and I hate it. I can't get it to stop. + +I'm losing inches, but not any weight. I tried Keto, but put on 5 pounds that I couldn't lose. + +This is me just ranting, and I know it'll be okay. My blood work came back with me looking healthy compared to my time in the hospital in August - no diabetes, lowered cholesterol. It's just frustrating. I feel so gross because of a number on the scale. ",Bipolar +46582,"New psychiatrist prescribed abilify, lexapro, and lamictal Has anyone been on this combo or any individually for bipolar/agoraphobia? I’ve only been on them for a few days, I take them at night and wake up extremely groggy in the morning. It feels like I’m hungover even though I didn’t drink. Do the side effects dissipate after a while? +Thanks in advanced for any advice!",Bipolar +46583,"Started taking Geodon from Risperdal two days ago, was pretty much hypomanic/depersonalized the whole day at work. I'm not really sure if this is a withdrawal symptom from the Risperdal, but if it is, how long would it normally take for the Geodon to take effect?",Bipolar +46584,"I’ve been feeling so much better! I just wanted to share my progress! I’ve been feeling a lot better the last few weeks and it’s not mania! I got my medications changed and after adjusting I think it’s been a really good change for me, my moods have improved a lot and I’m handling my emotions and triggers a lot better. I feel really good and like, normal. I wish you all well and hope you’re all making progress too!",Bipolar +46585,"Struggling with sudden depressive episode A little context- I was diagnosed with bipolar I in mid 2014, started to improve and stabilize in 2015 and since then have been doing relatively well. I also have OCD which has given me the biggest flare ups in past years. I wouldn't say I've necessarily been ""happy"" the past few years but I've been mostly okay, and my biggest struggles have been with my OCD. + +However, over the past few weeks I've start slipping deeper and deeper into depression. My last major depressive episode came in 2015 after the manic period that led me to being properly diagnosed with BP1. It all feels like it came on very suddenly and intensely and I'm having a really difficult time managing it. Right now I'm high functioning but just barely. I can make it into work (normally somewhat late but I make it there), I can force myself to shower most days, make myself eat, I take my meds, etc. Sleep has been a problem. I fall asleep (thanks to seroquel) but I find myself waking up throughout the night, often from a night terror. I know from the past that this high-functioning state can quickly devolve for me and leave me unable to do anything until the depression passes. + +I met with my psychiatrist last week and discussed the depression and have added on 150 mg Wellbutrin in addition to the Lamitcal, Abilify, and Seroquel that I take. I logically know that once the Wellbutrin begins to work I should feel at least a little better. It's just so painful right now- I'm back in the place I've been before where I feel empty and unable to enjoy even the things I love. + +I guess all of this is to say that I'm looking for some support, advice on how to cope, etc. I have people in my life I can talk to who try and support me and I'm grateful for that but this illness can be so isolating. ",Bipolar +46586,"Hey guys could I get some advice Hey guys could I get some advice, I went manic a few months ago and for some reason within that time I ended up sending drugs to be sent to one of my best friend's house, which obviously freaked her out. So yeah we got a friend group and they all know that I got bipolar and all that happened, and she accepts my apology and all cause they say her friendship is important to her and all, but it is a really sad and frustrating situation because I loved her so much as a friend and wish I could go back in time and can't stop thinking or weeping about it so yeah, any advice on anything regarding this situation???",Bipolar +46587,"School/Work Questions Bipolar type I. Senior in college with a campus job. Been in a huge depressive episode, the kind where it's draining to be in public or even leave my room. I haven't really left bed in over a week and have forgotten about work shifts and not shown up. If I go out in public, I have severe anxiety and paranoia. I got an increase in medication but don't feel better yet. I am afraid I will get fired from my job/that I'm going to fail classes at school. I've gone to the office of disabilities but they dont recognize my disorder as a disability where they can give help/accommodations. any tips on how to not get fired and how to save myself from being failed in class? I have a near perfect transcript so this would greatly affect it. thank u in advance",Bipolar +46588,"Medication help I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 when I was 15. I spent a lot of time in and out of inpatient psych and on a lot of meds. I had some success with Valproic acid but came off of it when I moved across the country about 2 years ago. I have yet to track down a psychiatrist because wait lists are long but after a really crippling few months of depression that cost me my job, I went on 350mg of Wellbutrin XL. I have had really good luck with the Wellbutrin helping my depression, I don’t tolerate ssri’s at all. For about the past 6 weeks I’ve been feeling like I’m manic and it’s getting really hard to deal with now. I feel really impulsive and self destructive and I need help but I don’t know where to get it. Should I go to a walk in clinic? Is there anything I can even go on without having to stop taking Wellbutrin because that has been the only thing that has ever helped the depression. I’m not sure where to go or who to ask for help. Thanks in advance. ",Bipolar +46589,"Self(ish) Rant I've generally been the kind of person who when bad news is received my brain can take awhile for it to sink in. My grandma recently passed away, I love her and miss her and this isn't at all her fault obviously, but, at work a few of my bosses kept telling me that it's alright if I need a day or whatever to myself. They asked if I was okay how I was holding up how my mom was holding up. +But the thing that irks me down to the core is that all of the sudden it took the death of a family member to think I might not be alright. They never thought to ask or say anything the multitude of days I called in sick or didn't call in at all and just didn't show up. They just don't understand, I'm not depressed today. I'm depressed almost every day. It just makes me feel that without a, in their opinion, legitimate reason to be depressed I'm the one in the wrong. Maybe they just considered me lazy and apathetic up until this point. ",Bipolar +46590,"Feeeeckin Depressed, Yo Being Bipolar is bullshit. Things that would bum a normal person send me careening down. And not like in a BPD moodiness way, I mean in like that slow slide where first you're tired, then you're sad, then you're slowly numb, then you're numb with a core of pain. I've hit the numb-core-of-pain stage, and it's bullsheet. On the outside I seem distant and detached, and on the inside I'm curled into a ball. + + +I emailed my doctor, but haven't heard from her. I think I need to call the office. + + +I have zero plans of hurting myself, but it troubles me that the thought has crossed my mind.",Bipolar +46591,"Anyone type 2 and in a long term, healthy relationship? I just had a manic episode with my new boyfriend. Granted we started out as friends but still, I feel I’m not compatible with anyone. + +I was off my medications for a solid week or two and I felt myself going off the rails. I got mad at him for things I still can’t even understand, I was pushing him away like I would during a manic episodes. + +No emotions. Impulsive. Quick to end it all and move on. Anyways, I’d really like feed back. ",Bipolar +46592,"Venting I have good reason to suspect a hypomanic episode in a few weeks or a month later and I want it to happen now. + +Only because I miss the feeling but mainly because I want to get it over with while my guard is up. I don’t want it to happen later in the semester where more work is bound to happen and I forget all about it and get fucker over. Problem is, it seems to be taking piss-long. Sure I’ve had brief rushes of energy mixed with excitement the last few days but they’ve been triggered (partially) and I’ve had these before without linking to a full episode. I’ve also had very brief issues sleeping the last few days but it would be fixed right after. and I’m afraid it’s just that. I want the episode to happen now and it won’t ;————; ",Bipolar +46593,"On lithium one month... Levels not checked My psychiatrist who I started see about a month ago put me on 900mg lithium carb. I saw him the other day and at the end if the appointment he said we'll wait and see how lithium takes (because I told him it's help but I still get swings etc just muted now). Then he was like, you can come back in 2 months or 1 if you prefer. + +I forgot to ask about this business of checking blood levels and I called his office, the office manager said oh he usually does that every three months. + +Everything I read says to get levels checked soonish after starting. We're they gonna have me do it only in three months after starting? I see him in a month. Should I switch doctors? Go get it done myself? I'm freaking out and feel like no one cares about me ugh",Bipolar +46594,"Atypical antipsychotic induced mania? or akathysia? So my pdoc increased my Solian dose (amisulpride). When I started it at 100mg, it threw me into a hell of akathysia. Unbearable, wouldn't go there again. It was one of the most horrible things I've experienced with meds, alongside being knocked out with Seroquel. Now it's at 200mg and 2 days after starting it, I felt my blood running through my veins, couldn't stop moving and pacing and wanted to cry. I slept, hardly, waking up a lot during the night. And when I woke up, it started again. Though this time I didn't want to cry. I took my train to go to school, started singing at loud, pacing and having a big smile on my face. I'm now trying to work, since I have exams coming in less than a week and one homework to give on Friday. But I just can't concentrate. I keep focusing on everything else like that girl who doesn't give a shit about me but she's so beautiful, I'm pretty sure I could get her. Or my friend's birthday which is important or the friends I just should go see today, tomorrow or this weekend. + +&#x200B; + +I don't know what's going on. I haven't felt like this for months. + +&#x200B; + +PS: You knew me under the username Aneaunymousse (which, to explain, is just how we'd say Anonymous with a very bad English accent in French). I decided not to hide and go out with my new real username.",Bipolar +46595,"An Ode to My Wonderful Sister Growing up I was a monster. I can say that now with hindsight. I don't care to get too into the details. + +My sister, despite all of my bullshit I put her through, has always been there. +And continues to be. + +I truly don't know how I'm so blessed. + +When I was diagnosed she did the research to understand what it meant, why I can behave the way I do, trying to fully understand me. + +She's the only one I don't get snappy with when I'm in an episode. The only one who can talk me down. + +She's my go-to when I need to chat to stay grounded... and she's not afraid to reality-check or shut me down when I'm completely out of line. + +When I'm depressed, she calls, texts, or comes to visit for ""welfare checks."" + +She knows more about me than anyone else in my family. + +She's a wonderful angel I never deserved, and I love her very much.",Bipolar +46596,"Lithium and the horrible acne So I just got Reddit to post this, honestly. + +&#x200B; + +I started taking lithium carbonate for bipolar disorder in September 18. My dose was increased in December 18, and about a week later I started having terrible acne appear. I know this is a side effect of the medication. I've read all there is that I can find about lithium acne and that it supposedly is harder to treat than regular acne, and in some cases makes peoples acne worse in the long term (they never had problems with acne, suddenly it's coming back months later after clearing up, etc). I've been off lithium for about a month and a week or so now, and nothing's changed in regards to my oh-so-lovely breakout. + +&#x200B; + +I started birth control (? I honestly have no clue if this will work, I used to take birth control for my acne when I was younger), I'm now using tazorac prescribed to me by my PCP, and I'm going to see a dermatologist soon. + +&#x200B; + +What I'm trying to ask here is how long did it take for your acne to clear up after STOPPING lithium carbonate? What did you do to make it go away? Is it still effecting you months later (if this question applies to you)?",Bipolar +46597,"Was off meds for 10 days. Help? Type 2, with a history of psychosis but none recently. + +Apparently my health care lapsed due to a billing error on their side Jan 1st and I wasn't told, found out when I tried to pick up my meds. Been off them a week and a half before I was able to afford them again. Called my health insurance again today (about the 5th time) and they want $1800 in back payment to reinstate it. Work for a startup that's a month late paying me so I'm broke. My work health insurance kicks in March 1st, if I can hold on that long. Skipped my last psychiatrist appointment. Haven't seen my therapist in two months. + +Took my meds this morning but it will take a while for them to kick back in I think. Rapid cycling, crying in the bathroom constantly at work today. My family's across the country. My best friend has pulled away since he got in a relationship and I feel like I have no safety net. + +I just need someone to tell me to keep going, even if it's a stranger on the internet. ",Bipolar +46598,"Recent Bipolar II diagnosis. Scared and confused. Off the bat, I'm an alcoholic who has been trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to stop drinking for a while. + +Went to a 10-day detox in January. I thought I could dry out and get back into the groove that was my 6 months of clean time. But instead, I relapsed a week out. Spent the most of February bunny hopping - few days drinking, few days drying out - and realized that I had to get my ass back to rehab. + +So here I am; 4th rehab in 3 years. I've been to this one twice before, I guess 3 times if you count my short stint in their detox a few weeks back. Most of the time, I get sober for 6 months and relapse +/- 7 days. + +The psychiatrist who has been seeing me whenever I end up back here diagnosed me with Bipolar II yesterday. And I feel weird about it. + +Which brings me here. I don't know what to do next. + +I don't know if I should get a second opinion or just accept this one; we've met about 4 times this year alone for 1+ hours each time, and like I said he's the same psychiatrist who has done all of my evaluations here over the years. He would like to put me on Lamictal.",Bipolar +46599,"On too much medication, and scared for my future. Let's see where can I start. I'm 30 and I've been hospitalized twice in the span of a year. I don't have much work experience except working in a factory and logistics for a year. I'm heavily dependent on my mom for support. I also was recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. + +Currently, I am on Seroquel 300mg, Zyprexa 20mg, trileptal 600mg, and a Long acting injectable of Invega. I'm going to try to tell the doctor I don't need three antipsychotics to functuion + +I said some really obscene things while I was hospitalized and if I had done (which I did not do thankfully) those things while in psychosis I probably would been put in jail or prison. The reason why I decompensated so bad was because I titrated too fast off of Seroquel and started to become extremely delusional. + +I'm really unsure what I can do with my life job wise. I feel like I'm 100 percent disabled on so much medication. I just want my life back and I dunno if I can take back what I was saying to the nurses and psychiatrist.. They know I was sick.. but I don't know my future is really bleak/fucked",Bipolar +46600,"Make sure to bring your pills with you if you are going to be away from home for a while... As title says, I forgot to take my pills with me and was due at 4pm for my second Geodon. I took it at 9. It is now almost midnight and I am flying high and feeling great. No sleep for me!",Bipolar +46601,"KETO & HYPOMANIA Has anyone else experienced hypomania or mania after following the Ketogenic diet? I've been doing it on and off for a year and feel like every time I'm thrown into a hypomanic state. + +Experiences would be extremely helpful, thanks everyone! ",Bipolar +46602,"Faking Sorry if I rant but I don't know why people never seem to take me seriously. I've been accused before of exaggerating. And my moods being a ""self-fulfilling prophecy"". Early on, I was diagnosed multiple times with depression and anxiety. Because 75% of my mania is comprised of mixed/dysphoria. I get very moody. The only question anyone ever asked was ""do you spend a lot of money"", and when I was younger I didn't have the money to spend 20,000$ even if I wanted to. Anything else -anger, excessive energy, no sleep, etc- was labelled anxiety or agitated depression. Whenever I disagreed -and rightly so- ""professionals"" thought I was just vying for a bipolar diagnosis. Despite my reactions to the antidepressants they always insisted on. The only way I got properly treated was after a case of road rage. + +Years later, I struggle with the fear of being accused of faking. I can see it in their faces. And at times I'm afraid that I'm actually faking. It's been really taking a toll on me lately. 2018 was a year of relapse for me and again with an empty bank account I'm faced with having to ""prove it"". Right now I feel like I should stop taking all of my meds and embrace whatever my brain gives me, maybe I'll be blessed with some euphoric mania. I feel sick. I hate myself. Screw all of them. + +...The point was to ask if anyone has felt this way/been treated this way. Even if no one answers, I just need to let it out somewhere...",Bipolar +46603,"Is having a routine bad? I’ve been through a very severe depression this winter. I was self harming and I ended up being suicidal and basically almost worthless as I couldn’t do anything but sit in bed and sleep. I had my meds adjusted 3 times, and once my pdoc added Seroquel to the mix, everything changed. I feel stable, I sleep well and wake up rested, I feel good overall. Not manic good, but normal good. +The problem is I developed a certain routine. +I do almost the same thing everyday. I can finally cook, clean the house, work and function like I’m supposed to. But I’m scared of anything that threatens to break my routine - like going out, having friends over, etc. I managed to stop taking naps, because I no longer feel mentally drained. It’s not about comfort zone, it’s just that I felt so bad, and I’ve been in such a dark place, that right now I’m happy to feel stable, something I haven’t felt in a long time. My previous manic episode was pretty bad too. +Is it wrong that I cling to my routine? I feel like I need this routine for now, until I feel I’m able to do other things too. Am I wrong?",Bipolar +46604,"Doc has me on Seroquel as needed, is she nuts? Doctor prescribed me Seroquel to help me sleep and to potentially help me calm down when I start feeling manic. She had prescribed it to me to take as needed. I think I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms a day or two after I take it each time. Constant waking up and vivid nightmares. I don't think this is supposed to be an as-needed medication.",Bipolar +46605,"Can cold meds make you manic? Pressurized speech, feeling wired, more friendly and talkative than usual, irritable, mild euphoria, etc. All from some alkaseltzer sinus meds?? I took an (unprescribed) ativan last night to get me to sleep but can cold meds really induce a hypo/mania? I'm taking more today. Damn, I love the feeling. ",Bipolar +46606,"Hypomania I can't ignore the red flags anymore! + +It's not just because it's finally spring, that I'm feeling this good. + +It's not just because it's spring, that I'm this active. (I'm getting up at 4 am cause I'm just not tired anymore. I never sit down) + +It's not only happiness, that makes me laugh so much, even though I'm doing really well, generally speaking. + +I have to admit to myself, that I'm hypomanic. I've been riding the high for a couple of days, getting things done, but it has to stop now, before it gets worse. + +I've started dating this guy, that I've wanted to date for years. +He knows I'm bipolar, he just doesn't know what bipolar is, just yet. -Or how it affects me. -And my surroundings. +We were on the phone last night, and i was... Not in control. At all. +He was so confused, and i don't blame him. + +I was at a meeting today, and i could. not. sit still. + +Every spring is the same! + + +April is rough. + +may is soo good. + +June is meh. + +Juli is sweet. + +August is sweet + +September is kinda melancholic. + +October is heartwarming and cozy. + +The rest of the year is fine. + +But spring? Soo sweet and full of promise... + + + +Anywho... Tonight I'm taking my sleep meds on top of my regular meds. That usually stops hypomania. At most, in a couple of days. + +I should have done it yesterday.",Bipolar +46607,"needing validation ive never posted on this subreddit before because i am not officially diagnosed bipolar, but i went from MDD to an unspecified mood disorder in less than a year. some bg: im a college sophomore. the first time i ever went to therapy was march of last year. i started lamictal in december. growing up mental illness was just not a thing to my parents, so i never saw any doctor or pdoc. + +basically, ive had to do and learn everything myself regarding mental illness and treatment. but i think im reaching a burnout. the lamictal is great, however my focus issues, which ill just address as ADHD (i have vivid memories of almost never sleeping during pre-school nap time and instead lifting up our bed mats with my legs, and ive heard my mom say she has it) are still something i don't have treatment for. + + +not being diagnosed with anything as a kid has made this journey incredibly difficult, especially concering ADHD. while ive improved drastically since freshman year (i had a debilitating depressive episode where i ended up with a 0.8 GPA), i haven't made progress with the ADHD. last friday i went to an ADHD screening for testing at my school's psych services office as im required to have the school's insurance anyways. it was the most discouraging experience. + +i told the woman that ive had focus issues and homework issues for as long as i can remember. i told her exactly what my thoughts would be like in a class, my horrible sleep quality, my difficulties around getting my work done, etc. i talked to her about the very recent development regarding my mood disorder. + +she told me that she thinks what i was describing is related to other issues, which were ""out of their scope"" and recommended me to a doctor who has a semester long waitlist for full psychological testing. which would be at least $400, $4,000 if i didnt have insurance. + +last semester i dealt with ADHD by meeting with a professor every week to go over assignments. i got accommodations from a few classes even without being registered with disability services. however, that's not 100% the case with all my classes this semester. i was struggling before that screening but now im struggling even more. i have a test tomorrow morning i have not studied for, not to mention i did not do at all an essay assignment, and i havent done the workbook pages due by the test. i had to ask for an extension for a paper in another class the night before because i hadn't even written it. ive missed meetings and work. + +that friday night i tried to find coke. sunday night i took 5 shots at 1am. monday i bought adderall and took 3/4 of it, and ive never taken adderall before. i have not done anything but stay in bed because the thought of even trying to tackle my immense amount of work is so overwhelming. + +i know it takes a while to get a diagnosis but like i said, i am feeling so burnt out. how many more doctors do i have to see? how many more episodes do i have to go through and other self-destructive behaviour? my family is no help either, my father threatened to not pay my tuition when he found out i was taking meds and refused to tell him. the rest are just invalidating. + +i don't know what to do or figure out what i need to find out. i am so tired of not having anything. my chest literally hurts and im curled up in bed in the dark crying. im sorry this is so long but ive never had the chance or resource to really talk about this stuff honestly that im just letting it all out now. im just desperate for some reassurance and validation at the very least.",Bipolar +46608,Need Xanax script back. How do i tell my dr? Been off of Xanax for two years. With my current situation at work my anxiety is out of control. I just don't want my Dr to be disappointed. Any advice?,Bipolar +46609,"Seroquel 100mg still getting anger flashes Pretty much I'm severely depressed, and have severe anxiety and I cant really control my emotions. For my medication it says take up to four tablets (each one is 25mg) based on mood, my mood definitely tells me to take four lol, I didnt know I was severely depressed til I told the doctor my symptoms I always thought I was funny and quite happy but a dark sense of humor. I also find it kinda hard to carry on a conversation with someone I dont know, and making eye contact is a bitch for me (makes me insecure and nervous but no disorders like down syndrome or ADD), Just in general I'm not coping with life that well, my last post I was coming off Lamotrigine which didnt seem to hell either. I also found my habit of smoking pot coming back rather strong actually, as of now I know I'm addicted to marijuana (sounds retarded I know) + +Anyway I'm taking 100mgs and still getting angry quite a bit, I feel kinda numb sometimes like i cannot get angry or really think, when I get angry I yell, throw shit, smash shit, think about suicide, and by the end of my fit I usually have bloody knuckles and borderline pulp of knuckles. What usually calms me down is just punching shit super hard til I realizemy body is in pain, or if my dog has the balls to come up too me and chill me out (I dont physically harm anyone or anything). What makes everything worse is that I have a new born so I cant really explode unless i go and smash the old fridge we have in the garage, if I dont do that I look for something's I misplaced ruthlessly ripping apart my whole room and everywhere I might think I left it (memory is shit now too) I also pace back and forth like a mofo aggressively, that doesnt seem to help only makes me think what else I can destroy. Any way thanks for listening to my crazy head and any advice on medications would be appreciated and any advice would be amazing, TIA",Bipolar +46610,"Mood Trackers Recently my psychiatrist had me look into CBT, and while I can't afford counseling at the moment, I've decided to start mood tracking. I've tried it in the past but gone into episodes of just not being able to. How do you guys stay motivated? What trackers do you use? ",Bipolar +46611,"Psychosis while in a depressive phase? Okay so I’m 18 and I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder when I was 14. I have noticed that often when I’m at the lowest of my depressive cycles, I often end up having psychotic episodes (hallucinating, paranoia, delusions, etc). I have only heard of people having these due to mania and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this. If you have experienced this, please let me know if you have any advice to help prevent this. ",Bipolar +46612,"Stop recommending the ER Be depressed +Go to ER +6000$ medical bill +Be depressed and in debt + +Seriously for those with mental health issues in the United States please fucking stop recommending the ER. Its expensive and a horrible experience. + +If you live outside of the US great! Enjoy your healthcare.",Bipolar +46613,"Do you know how to explain mania? I figured out over 10 years ago that I'm bipolar (runs in the fam) but wasn't officially diagnosed until 2015. + +I have so many different types of mania that it's extremely hard for my husband to know when I'm manic vs just 'me'. We're coming up on 12 years together but he still doesn't know how often I am manic and which version of myself I am most of the time. My most obvious mania episodes involve an excessive amount of energy, hyperactivity, very fast talking, increased sex drive, etc. However, I have a vast amount of different 'types' of manic episodes. + +I tried to explain to my husband that 75% of the time I'm in an episode but they don't look the same. He thinks I'm trying to use my bipolar disorder as an excuse. I was only trying to explain some of my symptoms. + +Does anyone know how to tell loved ones about all the different forms of mania in a simple to understand way?",Bipolar +46614,"I tried Omega 3 supplements and it's made a huge difference. So basically, I did some research online on foods, medicines etc. and their relationship to bipolar disorder. I then came across a study that said that Omega 3 fatty acids help with depression in bipolar disorder and I also came across a piece that said that when post mortem are done in people with bipolar disorder they generally find levels of omega 3 in their brains less than in people without the disorder. + +So I decided to give omega 3 a shot. I've been taking 1500mg daily for the past 2 months. When I started I was super depressed. It took like a week for me to begin to feel the difference. At the moment I feel quite stable and happy. + +Anyone else can relate?",Bipolar +46615,"Bipolar disorder and pregnancy? I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant. This was not planned. I was not comfortable with terminating the pregnancy, so here we are. I was previously on 50mg seroquel, and 100mg lamictal, and since finding out I was pregnant, I had to drop the seroquel, but stayed on lamictal and actually bumped up to 200mg because I was not fairing well without the seroquel. I'm in therapy once a week and I see my psychiatric nurse once a month. My OB is okay with me taking lamictal I'd it is helping me, which was a relief as I was scared I was going to fave judgement and have to advocate hard for myself. + +Anyways, where I am at now is that I'm struggling to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours at a time. I'm craving coffee again, I want a pack of cigarettes, my driving habits are slipping into unsafe behaviors, and I'm picking fights and arguments...all which are my known mania symptoms. I'm sure there are more I'm just unaware of, and I've suspected an episode was coming on as soon as my sleep became troublesome, though I wanted to brush that off as 2nd trimester energy boosts, but it's clearly more than that. + +My therapist gave me a whole packet of stuff to help me calm my senses, and not agitate myself more, which I guess will be helpful, but I'm so, so, so scared. I'm not going to give in to the symptoms if I can help it, I'm definitely not going to pick up smoking again and will actively remove myself from the temptation, but I'm just so worried because this could go so many different ways and I feel more like a fish out of water than I've ever felt in my life. + +I guess I just needed to vent a little, but also, are there any moms here who have experienced pregnancy with their bipolar disorder? What did you experience while pregnant? What about post partum? Is there any advice/tips/suggestions you could give me? I tried researching on Google but it's just freaked me out even more so I thought that asking people who ACTUALLY have to deal with it would be better and more accurate.",Bipolar +46616,"My Diagnosis is the worst thing to happen to me I was diagnosed a month ago after going in for a [TMS](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcranial_magnetic_stimulation) consultation for what I thought was my life long clinical depression. The psychiatrist told me I was not a candidate because I was not depressed but had bipolar type 2. I got a second opinion and he also confirmed bipolar type 2. + +&#x200B; + +Ever since I got my diagnosis, I've kinda gone off the deep end. On one side, I got an answer to my problem and a potential solution. But on the other side, I am now unable to see any part of me with any normalcy. Everything about me is now seen with discernment and that is causing me to lose my mind, so to speak. I don't want to call it a mental health crisis, but that's what it feels like. + +&#x200B; + +I'm 27 and have obviously lived with this most of my life, but I always just thought I had depression that I was able to come in and out of depending on my lifestyle choices and I was probably a bit ADHD, loud, laughed too much etc... But now when I'm in a ""good"" mood, I just think I'm hypomanic. + +&#x200B; + +The doctor gave me a mood stabilizer that caused extremely vivid hallucinations and I was scared to sleep... I would stay up all night just because I knew I would wake up with crazy hallucinations - I saw my girlfriend turn into a wearwolf and bite my neck. CRAZY things like that... + +&#x200B; + +So now I'm depressed and it's hard for me to work, I keep having meltdowns and I don't know what to do... I'm fearing that this will ruin my career and even though I'm optimistic that I'll eventually find a drug that helps me, I don't know how much time I have to get stable. Why is this happening to me just because I got a diagnosis? + +&#x200B; + +I talk to my therapist and I try to go to support groups as often as possible but I don't know who else to ask... any insight would be helpful... :/",Bipolar +46617,"I’m jealous I’m probably gonna sound like an asshole, but I’m jealous of everyone that get to be like the “fun” and excited hypomanic. +I jump from like being really hyper one day to raging manic (like ready to kill everyone and agitated) the next day. + +Sorry if I sound like an idiot, I’m just having a hard time dealing with my rage today and I’m finding myself being envious of other people’s situations. I know that people with what I’m calling the “fun” manic struggle really hard and their situation probably isn’t any easier than mine. ",Bipolar +46618,"I have the urge to break up with my SO when I’m manic Whenever I stop taking my seroquil for a while, I start to feel manic and can’t resist the urge to break up with my boyfriend. When I’m not manic, I really love him and he’s been my rock through everything and I adore him BUT when I’m manic I feel suffocated by him and I want to run and ghost him and I just don’t understand??? + + +Has anyone ever felt like this? What can help? I try reminding myself of reasons why I love my SO to calm myself down and sort of talk myself down",Bipolar +46619,"Tired of mania and I just want it to stop I’ve been in a mixed episodes I guess since around December with about a month of hypomania preceding it. Right now I feel stable but I’m all over the place. I was switched from latuda to vraylar in December, and my doctor added 1 mg klonopin up to 2x a day and 100 mg trazodone. My meds I’m still on, and was on before is 500mg depakote 3x a day, lexapro 5 mg, and temazepam 30 mg. So I’m on a lot of meds and I was putting a lot of faith into trying this vraylar since it’s supposed to treat mixed episodes, and some of my symptoms have dissipated or gone away like I’m not as physically and mentally agitated, and my thoughts have slowed a bit, but I’m still having these outbursts of rage where I feel completely out of control and aggressive, and then I feel shame and embarrassment because I have no impulse control when, and leading up to these outbursts, and before. I had to move back home with my mom a couple weeks ago because I quit/was sort of pushed out of my job in December because my episode was escalating and I couldn’t manage my caseload. My boss was a social worker and said she’d call me in January to see if I was ready to come back to work and she never did so I just figure that my job I’ve built my career around is now just obsolete because of my circumstances for leaving. I blew all my savings in December and January by going on a trip to Vegas and then other stupid shit. + +I’m not hearing things anymore like I was, but my thoughts are disorganized and I’m not sure if my thinking is accurate. I ruined most of my relationships with people within a few weeks in December, so I’ve been isolating myself from the people I do know, but I still keep putting myself in not-so-ideal circumstances with people I don’t really know or really care to be around if it weren’t for the impulse to do some of these things. I don’t know why I can’t control this. The klonopin and trazodone aren’t cutting it for sleep. I’m supposed to use the klonopin and temazepam and trazodone together, but apparently there’s been a shortage of temazepam so I haven’t been able to fill that since early December. + +My therapist and psychiatrist have been trying to keep me out of the hospital, but I’m starting to feel crappy and just kind of weak feeling. I cry nearly everyday, which is very abnormal for me, and I feel like I can’t eat so my body’s starting to feel like shit. + +My therapist brought up the prospect of ECT today. I’m 25 and the thought that I’m already having to escalate to even having that kind of conversation was terrifying to me. I know it has advanced over the years, but it’s still kind of scary. She also said if I don’t seem better next week she’s probably going to hospitalize me. I’m so exhausted from it all and tired of going several nights with no sleep that I don’t care anymore, but I think that means I probably don’t need to go then. I also read relapses happen within a year for most people even with successful ECT treatments. I’m just feeling so worthless. + +Has anyone had ECT treatments? Did it actually help? Or just any advice in general? + +Thanks ",Bipolar +46620,"Seroquel - maybe bipolar? Hey guys. + +This subreddit is new to me, I didnt think I was bipolar. + +I had a ""mental health consult"" with my new GP today. He thinks I MIGHT be bipolar. He's prescribed me 25mg Seroquel to take an hour before bed, daily. Only until I get an actual psychiatrist to weigh in on it (appt isnt until june). + +I hadn't heard about the drug until today, I've only ever been on citalopram 20mg for depression, it didnt help and made me suicidal. + +I dont have problems sleeping. Actually, I told him I sleep too much, if anything. It seems that a lot of people that are prescribed seroquel do. I'm reading all of these horror stories about being crazy high and hallucinations that I've kind of scared myself from taking it. + +I dont know if I should be taking it given he doesnt know what my actual diagnosis is. Should I be terribly concerned about the side effects? + +Any advice? I'm really new to this. ",Bipolar +46621,"That darn Facebook This is just a vent, FYI. + + + +After fiiiinally finding the right med combination about two years ago, I'm finally getting my shit together, getting things done, and living the kind of ""normal"" life I've always wanted. For the first time ever, I'm really proud of myself. I usually just lurk on Facebook, but I felt the need to do a little bragging and let people know that my life is changing, and I'm happy about it. Like most people, my Facebook friends list is an assortment of old classmates, former coworkers, family, and some randoms I can't quite place. A handful of these are people I speak to in real life on a regular basis. I got ZERO replies or feedback from anyone. I'm a little hurt and annoyed - c'mon, guys, I give you courtesy likes for pictures of your average kids and stupid dogs - but not too terribly surprised. 99% of these people only ever knew me when I was un-/improperly medicated and a total fucking mess. It's kind of a relief, though, too, because now I no longer feel obligated hand out those courtesy likes for dumb fucking shit that I don't care about. I already knew, on an intellectual level, that these people aren't really my friends (at least not anymore) and give as much of a shit about me as I do about them (so, none), but I feel like now that I've ""confirmed"" that, I can just relax and go about my business. I'm still proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far, and not having that recognized on social media doesn't change that. I guess it's just hard knowing that no matter how much positive change I make in my life, the people who only ever saw the old me will never really SEE the new me. Vent over.",Bipolar +46622,"How i solved my bipolar disorder. Hello, + +Let me get straight to the point. Bipolar and many other mental disorders does not exist. There are only consequences of poisoning your body/mind. + +I tought i have bipolar disorder for 2 years, went to psychiatrist, gave me many drugs. Those drugs only destroy you, no drug cant help you. + +&#x200B; + +How i fixed my bipolar disorder? + +\- Stopped eating sugar +\- Started meditating +\- Cold showers +\- Minimize meat consumption + +\- Never eat processed meat + +\- Dont ever ever take any drug, even for a headache, NOTHING. + +\- Stop smoking if you smoke cigarettes (i had biggest improvement when stopped smoking) + +\- Dont drink so much alcohol + +&#x200B; + +And many more things you can do to stop all mental disorders, but these are main that helped me. Im now 1.5 years free of all ""bipolar"" and other disorders. I feel like a god and i have a will to live and achieve my dreams, you can all do it to!! + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46623,"Shocked, Embarrassed & Ashamed Hello everyone, my first time ever using Reddit. I was first diagnosed with severe depression at the age of thirteen. In 2017, I was told that they have misdiagnosed me and I am bipolar with insomnia and anxiety. I was told that my medication is very important to keep me regulated and without it could be dangerous for my life. I refuse to take the medication because of the feeling zoned out like a zombie, incapacitated and no ambition. The breakup I experienced in 2017 seemed to have an impact on my mental health causing me to have rages of anger and outbursts verbally and physically (breaking things, throwing and punching anything). Recently, I have been going through overwhelming troubling events that caused me to lose everything, facing homelessness, out of my control, no family support, no job, no money, pushed away friends, and no where to go. The person that I've been dating could relate to having bipolar and understand, but I managed to destroy it. Rages are heightened and outburst increasing. I've done something that brought me so much shame, embarrassment and shock. Two days ago on Instagram, I uploaded seven videos of me and in those videos I was having a manic tantrum attack. At that moment and in the mindset I was in didn't realize that I just showed my mental illness for the world to see, I just snapped. My inbox and notifications were sounding off rapidly like a person ring the doorbell. I snapped out of that trans and watched the videos and I immediately removed them. I turned my phone off for the day. Throughout the day my mania were in and out and I haven't slept since that day. Well this is who I am and wanted to share. Thanks!",Bipolar +46624,"So lonely I feel so lonely all the time. Is this my depression? Or am I just honestly lonely. I have like 2 friends and rarely see them. I’m married, 3 kids. So I am not totally alone. Just want to talk more to people. ",Bipolar +46625,"Worried about this This is the first time I've ever openly spoke about this part of my bipolar to anyone except the psych. I am not for sure if I'm able to bring myself out of this mania this time. + +So let me start at the beginning of this episode. I lost my mom tragically on Christmas. I was the one that found her and well needless to say there is a lot I don't remember for a couple weeks after. I was able to get the stuff that needed done done with my siblings and I went into a massive depression/anxiety/mania almost to the point of a nervous breakdown. I shut down completely for a couple days and things have not been the same since then. + +I have tried to take each day as it comes and deal with my issues as I always have. I go for a more natural treatment because I couldn't handle the side effects of the meds. But I seem to have hit a mania where I am not sleeping and am not making the best decisions. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this or not or if there is something else wrong with me, but I tend to, in my mania go from timid to housekeeper of the year to gourmet chef to Julia Roberts in pretty woman without getting paid to depressed and feeling worthless. This cycle has gone on for the last month and I'm starting to worry. (My mania does this, but usually doesn't last this long) + +Has/does anyone else been able to calm down the mania without the meds or should I just deal with the mental fog, lack of feeling, and general distortion I feel when I take the meds to get back on track to where I was before my tragedy?",Bipolar +46626,"Anyone had Strattera-induced hypomania? I've been diagnosed with ADHD recently and stimulant medication isn't working too well for me. I'm trying Concerta soon, but if that doesn't work my only other option is Strattera. But I've seen a couple of articles saying that they've induced hypomania in a couple of people. Is it like an anti-depressant in that sense where it can cause mania in people with Bipolar?",Bipolar +46627,"Involuntary med change The past year and a half I have tried several different med combos. Lamictal and risperidone were sort of working but the risperidone had some very unfortunate side effects. My psydoc took me off the risperidone and put me in Saphris last December. +Between the Saphris and the lamictal I have been the most stable I have Ever been. + +Last week I went to refill my saphris, and out of nowhere my insurance no longer covers it. It was 2 Months ago I got it filled! So instead of a $50 copay it's now $360. +My psydoc prescribed me geodon in its place, but + +I'm so frustrated. I dont want a new med. I liked what I was on. +Now I get to play another round of what weird side effects am I going to get, and the possibility of it not working as well. + +Uuuuggggghhhhh. Life sucks so hard right now, with several other things going on in my life. I just need a win for once. +I want to cry. +I'm also a few days into a hypomanic episode, so I got that going for me too. +",Bipolar +46628,"New to sub Do people push the med agenda here as on other BP subs? + +Cuz that shit sucks. ",Bipolar +46629,"Latuda and pristiq Hi, has anyone taken that combination? I have been on latuda for a couple of years, but I’m sinking into deeper depression that latuda alone can’t handle. +My pdoc wants me to start on a small does of pristiq. +Any thoughts? ",Bipolar +46630,"Aripiprazole prescribed to my 16 year old brother. Hi, + +My little brother, 16y, has been diagnosed with Major depression and anxiety. He describes intense feelings of anger, anxiety, and goes through episodes of blacking out. The psych has just prescribed him Aripiprazole 5mg. My mom is very concerned and wants to consider other options, mainly due to his age. Do you guys have any suggestions? Thanks.",Bipolar +46631,"Someone be my friend. Please. I need someone who understands. Bipolar is different. People think that they understand when they have depression and things like that, but they don't. They can't. I just need someone who won't run away when I get bad. I am very supportive as well, even when I am going through a tough time. + +Right now, I am laying in bed. I can't do anything. I have a son that I need to be taking care of, but I am frozen here. + +My post history tells you who I am. If we have stuff in common, let's definitely talk. I am more comfortable talking to girls than guys these days, but I guess that it doesn't matter. Let's be friends. Let's build each other up.",Bipolar +46632,"I used amphetamines to trigger mania. So I have bipolar II and since I started medication (mood stabilizers with ssri's that supposedly affect the noradrenaline (don't know the correct english term) just like stimulants) +Since I started this I managed to pull out of my cannabis addiction, alcohol problem and get my grades up. + +Last year I tried elvanse (active substanse lisdex(in swedish) amphetamine on two occasions and it triggered a full blown mania episode for a solid month. Like not even hypomania, mania. + +Today I did the same but I could only get my hands on normal street amphetamines, I snorted around 0.3g of it on different occasions between 07:00 and 13:30, where I snorted 0.2g. The effect should wear off around 21:30. Should I expect the same thing? + +I am very careful when it comes to this, and I know it's a bad idea just talking about the substance itself. But how bad is this, could this lead to developing bipolar I? I had a much worse deppressive period during autumn than I usually do. The same duration but worse and it led to drug/alkohol problems when I first started ssri without mood stabilizers. + +I am certain this period was because the stimulant even though I only used it twice during spring when I didn't have any medication. But could this be remedied by just using this substance every couple of month and keeping my regular medications? + +",Bipolar +46633,"Just started Lithium. Bipolar II. Looking for others experiences and advice as I’m feeling very anxious. Hi guys. Long time lurker of this sub so I know you all are kind and give good advice. + +I just started 450mg of the extended release type of Lithium last night. I took it after a meal but by the time it hit my stomach I had really bad nausea. I went and laid down and after about 30 mins that passed thankfully. I woke up during the night quite thirsty and today I have been drinking plenty of water. + +I have been feeling dizzy at times, have been sweaty - sometimes hot flashes and then feel cold later. Hands and feet sweating a lot. Also I am feeling very anxious (there is a lot going on in my life so that would make sense but I wasn’t anxious this badly and in this way before the lithium). I feel ‘out of it’ too - like dissociated maybe - the anxiety makes this scary, although I am in a rational state of mind. I also have a feeling of just being a bit unwell in some hard to define way. I feel a icky lol + +I have no symptoms of toxicity at all thankfully. No shakes. However searching reddit and Google I can’t kind anyone reporting anxiety, dizziness and feeling slightly out of it and unwell. I know it is early days and I might need to adjust but after hours of obsessive Googling and worry I just need some feedback as to whether what I am feeling is normal or not? + +I am also on Lamictal 200mg but have been for many months already. I was on 25mg Seroquel since the Friday before last to help with sleep but my last dose of that was Saturday night. I stopped it as it wasn’t helping me sleep and I was getting no benefit. + +If anyone has some experience with lithium I’d really appreciate some reassurance. Especially regarding the feeling of not quite being here or right in some way. + +Thank you ???? ",Bipolar +46634,"[tw suicide] If I never kill myself, all of this planning will have been such a waste There's probably a better way to think about this, but I'm having a hard time seeing it right now. I'm pretty sure I never feel this way when I'm ""up"", but at the moment, it feels like I've invested so much time in considering methods and logistics (off and on since I was 13) that it would be a shame not to actually do it one day. Won't it have been such a colossal waste of time otherwise?",Bipolar +46635,"Hitting low I've had some really low lows, and I think I'm headed for another one. It hit me so suddenly yesterday. I have an extremely long Self harm history, and when my best friend released a new album with a self harm tw I got really scared and felt so small and vulnerable. It's stuck like that since then. It reminded me of when I was hurting myself daily and my drug habit and I'm just so lost right now. I was just manic, how did this happen?",Bipolar +46636,"Doctor is forcing me to come off Depakote because I am a 'woman of childbearing age'. She knows I have an IUD and do not want kids but insists despite my protests. I feel totally enraged and dehumanised. I have recently moved back to the UK (specifically London) after having attended university in the US. This is important because the two countries have different rules regarding prescription medications. It was in the US that I received my bipolar diagnosis and started treatment. When I first moved back my GP was happy to renew all my prescriptions from the US, so I do currently have enough Depakote to last me a few months, but he also referred me to a new psychiatrist. I met with her for the first time yesterday and she said that in the UK, they do not prescribe Depakote to women of childbearing age because it can cause birth defects and she would not be able to keep me on as a patient if I were to continue to take it. I'm on a lot of medications for a multitude of health conditions and it took months of painful trial and error to find a drug for bipolar that didn't give me unbearable side effects and also played nice with my other medications. Finally finding Depakote was the best thing that happened to me. I really don't want to go through the pain of finding a new drug all over again. Especially as I've recently been through some trauma (coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship), and am worried how the instability of coming off and on medications might impact me. + + +What makes me the most angry about all of this, is that this would not be an issue if I were a man. I do not want kids and of this I have been certain since I was a child. I have an IUD in place, the most effective form of birth control, and moreover since breaking up with my ex I have only dated women (I'm bisexual) so I don't foresee an unplanned pregnancy occurring in the near future. My psychiatrist knows all of this but apparently at 25 I am too young to know what I want or have agency over my own body and my mental health is less important than the wants of some hypothetical future baby-wanting husband. I feel truly disgusted, like I've been reduced to a walking womb. I desperately wanted to scream at her but I need to hold out at least for one more appointment because I'm almost out of Ritalin (also have ADHD) and she's the only doctor I can get in to see and prescribe it before I run out. + + +She was deliberately vague about what the 'rules' are surrounding this and if another psychiatrist would be allowed to prescribe it to me or not. My pharmacist certainly had no issues giving it to me after I said I had an IUD. Has anyone else been through this and know what the rules are? Anyone on here a woman in the UK who has successfully been prescribed Depakote? If anyone has a London (ideally zone 1/2) based psych that does will you message me their name (private sector doc is fine)? I'm really at a loss of what to do but I feel like she's not the right psychiatrist for me long term if she's so rigid about these antiquated, sexist standards. ",Bipolar +46637,"cycle me out, guys I'm rapid cycling after stability (more or less) for the past year and a half. I know I'm running high and it feels so good that I just don't care. I've ruined my celibacy/sobriety, I can't concentrate on study and I blew off a pdoc appointment that I was really lucky to get because I was hooking up with a coworker. Then the depression comes with the self loathing and I don't care enough to get out of bed and I don't care enough to live, I'm blowing all of the progress I've made during the past year and a half, and I've made a lot. I'm scared guys.",Bipolar +46638,"I Am a Colorful Portrait of Bipolar, ADHD, Anxiety, Trichotillomania, Insomnia, and Binge Eating and I Need Advice I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar a month ago. At the age of 13, I was diagnosed with ADHD, Trichotillomania, anxiety, insomnia and a binge eating disorder. I didn't seek medication until I was 18 as my family refused me any meds. In which I was placed on Adderall and Xanax. + +After 3 years, my body began to digest it differently causing constant need to have my meds adjusted until he suggested Vyvanse. Xanax never needed to be adjusted nor did I experience addictive side effects. My doctor would take me off of Xanax to see if I experienced and adverse effects. + +With Vyvanse I was able to focus, avoid binge eating all together without any issues maintaining a normal diet. My mood swings were gone, I was even able to sleep normally as once the meds wore off, I was tired and ready for bed by 9:30am + +Now with my new diagnosis of Bipolar, which came apparent when mania appeared out of nowhere once I stopped taking Vyvanse when waiting for new insurance due to moving out of state, (the meds are expensive as hell at 200 bucks) + +My doctor now has me on Lamictal(100mg) for depression Seroquel(50mg) for my mania and Insomnia, and Hydroxyzine(50mg) for my anxiety. My mania and depression are gone, although these meds do nothing for my anxiety. I am still dealing with the mood swings I often experienced with adhd. I am quickly irritable or angry over the smallest things. No attention to anything..(like I stopped writing this post 3 times lmao) no motivation, and I am back to binge eating. + +I have asked my doctor to allow me back on my Vyvanse in which he has told me no until my mood stabilizes. It has and then he has told me my mania may happen with Vyvanse even tho he stated this med carries a small risk due to the way it metabolizes. I have never experienced mania during Vyvanse and I am so worried about my binge eating symptoms in which I have gained 60 pounds since last October, and my lack of attention and along with my impulse issues. + +I see my psychiatrist again today and I am wondering if I should insist that I am placed back on my adhd meds as a trial run? I have tried most non-stimulants such as Concerta which just led to me being even more exhausted than I normally am atm. + +Any advise would be appreciated <3 +Thank you in advance + +",Bipolar +46639,"Been a hypomanic mess lately So the majority of the past month I’ve been feeling depressed and out of it. Not really talking to anyone and just hiding in my room and then after a few good news and change of events I started to feel better. I finally felt hopeful and felt like myself again only to realize that it was all a lie. That I wasn’t actually feeling better and just pivoting into a hypomanic state. I went from feeling good and organized to realizing I wasn’t eating or sleeping much, being incredibly impulsive, getting pulled over for speeding at my job, flipping out on friends and telling them off, and over all feeling like my skin is made of electricity if that makes any sense. I just can’t find a balance these days. Now I called out of work mid shift cause I wasn’t eating much and just feeling sick and shakey and now I’m worried that I might loose my job. I can’t seem to find a middle ground. I just wish I could breath for once. I hate not being able to trust my feelings and the days I feel good I only end up finding out that my good feelings weren’t good and just manic. I reached out to my parents and said that I need a therapist again.i wish this would all stop. ",Bipolar +46640,"I really just can't commit During a manic period I committed to a volunteer position that I didn't realize was actually a 2 year commitment and I have now (as of last week) committed to another year in this position because I can't say no. We have a big event tomorrow and I just don't want to go. I am one of 2 social media coordinators (and the better of the 2) so I'm supposed to be snapping pictures, tweeting, putting stuff on Instagram and Facebook during the event all day. + +I'm at a hotel and the bed is just so comfy, I don't see myself getting out of it at 5am. I've struggled to get to my paid job for the last 2 weeks (well, really the last 3 months but it's been especially difficult the last 2 weeks leading up to this event). Being around a bunch of professional people trying to network while helping... its giving me anxiety and I tried ALL DAY talking myself into it. The topics the lecturers are talking about don't even interest me, so that doesn't help. Usually at these events there's something I want to listen to, but it's just going to be 8 hours of blah. I don't want to let anyone down, but doing *anything* is just so difficult right now. + +I even thought about telling the head of the board I'm on that I have lice, thinking that's embarrassing enough that she won't ask questions and I'll get to avoid going. I just need some motivation or a good excuse to get out of going. ",Bipolar +46641,"Pm is open I love talking to people on here and man I’ve been on a down lately... coming back up! Got higher dosages and I feel so good.. I did before.. not like I ever didn’t. Anyway, I want a good conversation not talking about our hardships, but what is happy with our lives. A happy convo with some stranger ",Bipolar +46642,"Lithium Poisoning???? Has anyone experience lithium poisoning on any scale? I've been taking lithium for 5 years and it works so.damn.well. I take an amount that has me dangerously close to toxic levels. I fully expect to suffer the consequences later in life but I'm wondering if anyone experiences side effects of toxicity. + +How long have you been taking lithium, how old are you, etc.?",Bipolar +46643,"Lyrics that hit home Was listening to music and these lyrics stood out to me. I figured others here could relate ;) + +> When we last met who was I? + +> I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye + +> The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out + +> I'm sorry how you'll take this + +> But I just don't have the patience anymore + +",Bipolar +46644,"Mania and marriage Has anyone ever gotten married while manic? +If so, what's your story? ",Bipolar +46645,"Just got diagnosed, need advice. Hey, all. I just got diagnosed with Bipolar II, and I’m not sure what to think. I always thought I was just depressed, but after going on antidepressants I began to rapidly shift from what I now know as hypomania to depression. The thing is, these shifts happen so quickly. I’ll be on top of the world for an hour and suddenly feel like I want to crawl in a hole an die the next minute. I’m on mood stabilizers as of yesterday, but is there anything else I can do? Thanks in advance. ",Bipolar +46646,"Doing well, but life is definitely testing me right now. I had a what I'm assuming was a panic attack the other night cause I've only ever felt this sensation when I think really hard about some kind of medical condition I probably don't have. My vision went blurry, and my ears were hissing. I remember fumbling with my breathing while wondering wtf was happening. I started taking deep breaths after figuring I might be having a panic attack. I ignored all my emotionally rooted thoughts and calmed myself down. Fuck. That. Shit. I feel for anyone who goes through anything like that regularly. That is down right terrifying to the ""piss your pants"" core. + +So, I've been stable for about 6 months now doing what I'm doing and actually being successful (how I perceive it anyways). I'm holding a job, I'm loved by my peers and getting along with my parents better than ever. I've matured a lot I guess, but being disciplined with my diet, meds, and sleep, have made it all stay together. + +Just a couple weeks back my Mom got diagnosed with breast cancer... And I'm pretty sure the restaurant I'm working at is going to close soon because I've never seen a shit show like this EVER! Everyone is drunk and indifferent... It's sad. Aaaaaaand now my ex wants to talk on the phone today (only have let her text me recently since making amends and healing our friendship). She's been sporadically contacting me telling me this or that reminded her of me... I really feel like she eventually (prolly not today) wants to try and rekindle things. She's expressed since finalizing our divorce how she feels she messed up and turned her back on me when I was simply severely depressed. I get that now and I understand why she did what she did, and he don't blame her for it one bit. But I can't trust her anymore like that. She'll prolly drop me when I hit another dip in my journey. + +I'm overloaded right now. But I'm staying disciplined and trying to do everything how I need to, to stay stable. It's working I guess, but man, this is the shitty part of life that usually puts me down for a year. I'm afraid, but I'm excited to challenge my will through these tough times. + + Oh yeah, I forgot in my rambling, my parents (whom I'm living with currently) are selling their house and moving to a different city. Overall a good thing for all of us, but keeping the house clean and sprucing it up for random showings today with a few hours notice is stressful. + + +Stay positive peeps and keep on chugging along. Sometimes it's awesome cause sometimes it sucks.",Bipolar +46647,"The ""Calm"" I have Bipolar 2. + +After a month of isolation and depression, I went out with my friends last night and had a great time. I went home tired and slept the whole day. I woke up exhausted but the racing thoughts and irritability are gone. My mind is blank and surprisingly calm. I'm actually panicking a bit because, at this point, I don't know what's happening. There are no more excessive intrusive thoughts, or those crazy ideas - just really calm. I feel alright but I still think of suicide. I think what scares me a bit is that I experience this before a big mood swing. Am I okay? ",Bipolar +46648,"Bipolar 1 doesn’t seem to cover it anymore. Schizoaffective, anybody? I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 & C-PTSD (repetitive childhood trauma and abuse) , 4 years ago. Mainly after a severe 6mo. Long manic episode in which I was convinced I was indestructible and a direct channel of god, resulting in multiple unintended near death experiences related to drugs, alcohol and physical safety. + +Long story short, “bipolar” in itself has been one hell of a show. Since my first severe episode I have experienced a multitude of smaller shorter lived episodes 2 out of 4 which would probably even fall in the hypomanic category. The depression always lasts much longer (usually 2/3X times longer than the initial mania) but it never comes with out visual & auditory hallucinations, explosive anger, psychosis and catatonic moments lasting no less than 3 hours at a time. I’m 21 years old. The lines are starting to get blurry. I don’t know where the episodes end and begin. I am scared as fuck and have had a handful of clarity moments that reveal the way my brain seems to be slipping through my fingers. I tried to tapper off my lithium (my doc is on board) thinking that much of this time spent somewhere else / staring at a wall only to snap back a few hours later confused as to where the time went - was just because of my high dose of 1250mg lithium carbonate. I’ve tapered down to 300mg at night and 300mg in the morning and my partner has started to point out that I seem to exhibit ALL symptoms of bipolar each day, simultaneously and more consistently. + +Redditors, I’m usually better spoken but my brains in shambles and I’m eager for you to make me think deeper on this and reflect before I word barf it to my psych. + +Anyway. I’m not to familiar with schizo effective but am starting to feel that could possibly be more fitting. I don’t want more meds in my life. I’m also an avid micro dosed, lsd, dmt & earth medicine user for some background and am very on board with alternative medicine to get me back to “reality”. At least one I can be comfortable in.",Bipolar +46649,"Is anyone else’s mania a nightmare? Just got diagnosed yesterday, and I’m struggling a bit with mania. For me, mania feels like I have so much energy that my body is going to explode. My thoughts are constantly racing, I’m full of rage, and I try to do everything but accomplish nothing. I can’t stop talking or obsessing and the anxiety is out of this world. + +Mania has never been fun or exciting for me. I don’t spend money or party or have a lot of sex. I don’t feel like a god or that I’m on top of the world. It feels like I’m in a tornado and have no control over my life. Does anyone else feel this way?",Bipolar +46650,"You guys have any songs that have helped you through hard times? For me it's been ""numb"" and ""somewhere I belong"" by linkin park. There are definitely a bunch of others, but those are the two that stand out. Hbu? ",Bipolar +46651,"I'm back here. I keep thinking I'm not bipolar and then going well I can see it. And I wish there was more info on irritable/dysphoric hypomania. Although I did have tactile hallucinations at some point but I'm nots ure what was going on at that time. I've noticed a pattern for years but idk. Didn't think that could be it since itit's supposed to be uncommon at least compared to other disorders and I dont know of any family history, though I've wondered about my bio grandfather. He was abusive, angry, and I guess he did drugs. I think my grandma said he used to be really smart and charming but he was lazy. Idk. Anyway no one talks to him and he won't help anyway. + +&#x200B; + +I don't feel like typing out a history right now so maybe I'll edit later but for now theres my post history. + +&#x200B; + +I sometimes wonder but then chalk it up to stress and insomnia and midterms and some sort of atypical depression/mood disorder but nah not bipolar. And now here I am thinking fuc. I was probably right ten years ago. I'd stopped thinking it was a possibility and then found out in 2016 that I had a cyclothymia diagnosis. I think at that time I had never been fully honest about how bad my depression could be because I was scared to tell her. Even after several years I guess. But it's not like shes a therapist. + +Anyway I seem to get angrier, less patient, sleep less though my energy isn't necessarily up, spend more money (used to be on food and stuff but it wasnt bad until last year and maybe this year) sometimes talk more. Maybe even lower tolerance for boredom than usual. + +&#x200B; + +I guess I've been angier lately. I got in a fight with my parents Tuesday night and ended up tearing my curtain rod from the wall somehow. I think I probably grabbed the curtain. I also punched the wall a bit but no damage. My friend had to pick me up from my house. I'm back home now but. Theres so much context really.",Bipolar +46652,"Anyone been on venlablue XL? I’m having really bad tremors, I can’t stop shaking.",Bipolar +46653,feeling guilty starting to come down off a short manic/hypomanic episode (can never tell the difference) and feeling guilty about the weird shit I did all week. I also tend to feel guilty when I think about how other people have it so much worse why complain. i’ve never had a psychotic break or loss of reality (at least I don’t think I have) so I tend to start to feel resentment toward myself like why feel sorry for myself other ppl have it way worse I gotta stop complaining. anyone else ever feel like this?,Bipolar +46654,"I feel my mood escalating and I don’t know what to do. Have you ever seen mania coming and successfully avoided or minimized it without hospitalization? I’ve probably been hypomanic for a few weeks now. I was trying to ride it out because my work, my relationship, and my friendships are all in good shape. I didn’t see anything to worry about. Until last night. I made bad choices and I’m afraid of more to come. I haven’t hit mania yet, but I see it approaching on the horizon. Has anybody had success nipping a manic episode in the bud? Do I just admit myself and ride it out under supervision? I really don’t think I can afford that. ",Bipolar +46655,If lithium doesn't work then what? I'm scared nothing will work. :( If nothing works I'm left living in a hospital at some near future. I'm worried. ,Bipolar +46656,"To be bipolar & legally recognized as disabled or not: pros & cons? I am pretty stable on meds right now and could probably pass as not having a disability. The exception is if I need to take time off in the future for breakout episodes that would put me over my vacation/sick day allowance. In that case I assume I need to use ADA accommodations. + +I was talking with my pdoc the other day and I asked about the national parks access pass for people with disabilities and she said something along the lines of I need to decide if I want to be considered legally disabled because that could bite me in the butt one day. + +I know on my job licensing application it asks if I have any conditions that affect my ability to practice veterinary medicine. I said no because I don't think that this disorder will affect my medical judgement. Anyway, I will take time off before it gets to that point. But at the same time I might need to take more time off than I have available in my contract if I have breakout episodes. But there is already an example of this potential problem. + +Does anyone know the pros and cons of legally having a disability in the context of bipolar disorder?",Bipolar +46657,"Should I tell him? Hi everyone! + + +I'm currently doing my honours in Zoology which entails a research project. I have two supervisors: One of the professors at my uni and a postdoc whose research I will be elaborating on. + + +It's a lot of work so far (writing up, going through literature, making proposals, etc.). I started this year off on a really bad foot and I've just been in a really low place for the whole of it. I'm type 2, so I'm either down or I'm REALLY down. + + +Anyway, it's definitely affecting my productivity at this point. I'm also scared that it's affecting my relationship with my supervisors because I can't get myself to talk to them when I'm in my down cycle (or, if I do, I always say the wrong thing or come off as defensive). + + +I'm going to have to work with them through the whole year and i'm scared this keeps going on. I don't like to tell people that I'm bipolar but I wonder whether it will make things easier if I told my professor. He's an amazing guy and would understand. But I feel like giving this info would mess around with his perception of me or something. + + +What would you guys do?",Bipolar +46658,"Took Lamictal 8 hours apart I take 300 mg of Lamictal every evening. I forgot to take my Lamictal last night and took it this morning around 11 am. I forgot that I had taken it so late this morning and took it around 8 tonight. So that’s 600 mg in about 9 hours. Any danger with that? I’m just feeling restless and maybe some heavy chest, but not much else at this time. I’m 34 years old. I’m not too worried. Just curious. I don’t think it’s time to call poison control. Just wondering if anyone has had experience. Thanks ",Bipolar +46659,"Small Victory Saturday 3.2.2019 Back by unpopular demand /s! + +&#x200B; + +This thread is dedicated to celebrating the little victories that other people might not appreciate and to remind ourselves that we truly are deserving of great love. Whether you made your bed or made a friend, this is the place to share! + +&#x200B; + +I've missed you folks.",Bipolar +46660,"DEPRESSION HAS A PURPOSE: HOW TO USE IT RIGHT This text discusses personal experiences with depression and suicidal tendencies. +It is an amended and an updated version. I edited it for mistakes and added a couple of paragraphs alongside with real-life illustrations. If you have already read the first version, just look for the new paragraphs. Thank you for reading. + +I think I know now why I need depressive phases. +By saying that, I don't mean the physical side of depression. This implies fatigue, general exhaustion, increased or decreased need for sleep, the same applies to appetite, drop in libido, decrease in hygiene and general activities. The body needs to recover. It takes time. +What I am talking about is the emotional, intellectual, — if you want — spiritual side of depression. I think I found a purpose of depression on the other side of the coin. +It appears that I grow during these times, because I reflect a lot on the recent events, critically evaluate my actions and decisions, as well as my reasoning behind them. Most importantly, I try to understand my mistakes and to learn lessons from them so that I will never repeat them again. +In all fairness, it is a painful and self-destructive process. Most of the time, it is counterproductive and worsens the state of an affected person with ever increasing speed. It is a vicious circle of being paralyzed, feeling ashamed of it and guilty for own disengagement, inability to find enough energy to at least do things that you generally like (normally, it’s worse: you completely lost interest in the things you like), being paralyzed from shame and guilt, hating yourself for this lameness, becoming ever more disgusted by your own bad smell and a total disaster on the floor and in the kitchen, feeling dizzy and weak at all times, having a hurting back and ass cheeks from spending days in bed, losing all respect for yourself and hope for improvement, wanting to give up and to end the pain. +You are a burden. You are a disgrace. You are worthless. You have no purpose. Your existence does not make any sense. You are a waste of resources. You are a disappointment. Your parents must be ashamed of you. They should regret bringing you to the world. You will never produce anything meaningful. You will never change anything. You mean nothing. You are a lab rat in the obstacle race in an endless labyrinth. You were born a slave to the indifferent capitalist feudalistic world system. You will never find your place in the society. All spots are occupied. Even the untouchable ones. But you are nothing special. You don’t even have the guts to slip down the social ladder and join the untouchables in protest against the system. “Fuck the system” remains just a graffiti on the platform of a subway station. You are a fucking joke. +This is an approximation of the thinking patterns typical of a depressive episode. They dance in circles in your head, every day. They hold hands and take turns in solo parts. They exhaust you. You wake up with them and you go to sleep with them. You cry when you fall asleep. You cry when you wake up. Day after day. +Slowly you develop a real anxiety for answering phone calls. They terrify you. People want something from you. We don’t want that. Opening the mail box becomes a real nightmare. You spend days pursuaiding yourself to open your mail account or to open your post box. You stop answering text messages. You are tired of lying that you are doing fine. You are not fine. +During the depression, I take a pause of silence. I cut my connections to the outer world and go inside myself. I need that time free of background noises and external advice to keep hearing my thoughts. This is the time when I re-evaluate my knowledge and values. Regarding this, three semi-cool metaphors come to my mind. + +Winter tree + +Depression looks like a tree in a night of winter sleep. That very deep and dreamless slumber. Though, how would we know? They might as well watch nightmares, which could compete with the Saw, or I spit on your grave. It is sad and does not bring joy to anyone. To some, it might even look ugly. Sometimes, decomposing fall foliage that cover the decaying human and animal feces with a soft fluffy coat smell bad. I mean, really bad. You better keep on moving. +The tree stops interacting with the surrounding life. Birds abandoned their nests and no longer sing on its branches. It lost all its leaves and stays alone for the rest of the winter. It might appear that it is cold or dead. It is winter that makes its skin harden and darken. It becomes raw and thick. +Or we could look at it differently. Winter can be beautiful. I love winter. It is my favorite season. In Germany, winter is usually gray and wet. The wind is brutal, you don’t want to go outside. The gray sky weighs heavy on your head. You are cold. +On those days, I often must think of winter in Russia. With a nostalgic smile and a sharp wrench in my heart, I see my way home, my parents’ house, a rare artifact of Russian wooden architecture that survived the Revolution of 1917, on a peaceful winter night. The sky was beautifully painted in the darkest and deepest blue. Twinkling stars were magically winking at me. The way home from the bus stop was a thin stamp white trail in the snow. It lied between two snowbanks, as high as your knees. Tiny snow flakies sparkled in the soft orange light of the lanterns along the road. Like in a slow motion, the snow was falling on my palms and in my mouth in huge fluffy flakies. It was Christmas magic. No vehicles were driving by. It was so silent, that the only sound that sent waves into the space was crispy and squeaky snow under my heavy winter boots. I was the happiest I could be. +Inevitably, the spring comes. And the tree that was asleep just yesterday, wakes up and gets more beautiful than ever. It gives birth to fresh crispy-green leaves, it grows more branches which are strong and flexible. The new ones make the tree bigger and older. +It hosts more nests and attracts more birds to sing on its branches in the early morning when the sun rises. It amazes more people, they enjoy being around the tree. People go outside and spend time in its shadow. They arrange pick-nicks under its thick coat of leaves, laugh, eat and take pictures. More animals and kids play on the tree’s branches. Some might even build a small cabin on them, which will become a young kid’s secret escape into the magical world of their dreams. +In Russia, they have a tradition of hugging a tree. It is believed that the tree would suck up all of the negativity and charge you with positive energy. Many people even have their special tree, which suits their personality. Some prefer the pine tree, others the oak tree. Lime trees and birches are popular as well. +Then the fall approaches. The facade starts cracking, the leaves are falling off. Everything is getting browner and rainier. Slowly, everyone left the tree behind. Birds headed off south to have a sex-vacation, people are running from box to box hiding under an umbrella. It's winter again. + +Current view from from kitchen +Last spring, I had a crazy idea that I can be an artist. So in a creative madness I decorated the only tree in our backyard with pieces of my old linen. And then died it with acrylic paint. I conceptualized it as a memory tree. Because my linen kept memories of nearly everything and outlived a lot of relationships and tragedies. Now, my roommate says, it is the only thing that reminds him of joy in the whole backyard. + +Computer game + +Depression is like a progressing computer game. You need to die so many times until you learn the lesson and get to the next level. +Sometimes, when the level is hard, it gets frustrating and exhausting at some point. You lose interest and give up on the game. And when you do that, you stop playing the game and stop unlocking the next levels. That's a metaphor of the suicide. +Suicide is the worst possible side-effect of mental illnesses. It should rightfully be taken seriously. + +Real suicide + +Last summer, a fellow member from the self-help group, which I regularly visit, jumped off a roof. She left two kids behind. She was young and had a special outlook on the world, which she lived in photography. She had been deeply depressed since March, when I saw her for the first time, which was the first time I visited a group meeting. +In the flash round, she cried. She said, she could not bear it anymore, that she just wanted to give up. I felt that. I felt her pain. I knew too well those two sentences. There comes a time when only those two are left. And you just cry and say them over and over again. I wanted to give her a warm hug and to let her cry on my shoulder. But we didn't know each other. So, I had to restrain. +At the end of May, she committed suicide. It shook deeply the whole group. It became so apparent that this is how the game ends for us. Many of us were deeply grieving. +Up to 17% of people with bipolar disorder will take their lives as a result of their illness, making it the #1 cause of premature death in people with this disorder. Women attempt suicide about 3 times more often than men, although men are 4 times as likely to complete suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 2x more likely to attempt suicide than someone with a unipolar disorder. In a review of deaths of individuals with bipolar disorder from 1936-1988, 19% of 9,389 deaths were found to be because of suicide. (Ctrl+C Ctrl+V from the listing40 Profound Bipolar Disorder Suicide Statistics. Source: HealthResearchFunding.org) +At her funeral on July 3rd, I was brokenhearted. I was late because it had taken me quite a time to choose the right black shirt and trousers. Dresses seemed too festive to me. I was nervous, it was my first funeral in Germany. It was my first suicide funeral. It was my first mental health funeral. +The chapel was crowded. I stood leaning on the cold wooden door. I breathed heavily and needed time to process. I had never seen so many people attending a funeral. Those are small and private in Russia unless you are some kind of famous or rich. I counted some 250 people. All grieving. Some crying. +Speeches were boring and long. Also, swampy and sticky. I was outraged when the priest said, ""We cannot know why [she] left. It will remain a mystery forever."" I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream so loud so that he would stop talking. How dare you say that we don't know why she jumped off the roof? How dare you indifferently pass the verdict that it will remain a mystery? I wanted to scream. Or to leave the chapel and slam the door. +But I couldn't leave. I needed to stay. I owed it to her. I started crying. I couldn't stop. Tears ran in deep rivers down my cheeks. I didn't have a napkin. I couldn't bear the ceremony, but I couldn't go either. +In the chapel across the columns, her family hung out on a string her photographs for the visitors to take away as a memory of her. I waited for most people to take one and leave the chapel. By the time I came up to the string with hanging photographs, I only had three left to choose from. I picked a very bleak image of a closed backyard, probably taken from a balcony on some fourth floor, on a clouded winter day. It was bleak. Like depression that kills us. I took it to remember this. +The weather outside was good and sunny. It seemed totally out of place in the given context. The sun brutally burned my shoulders in the black shirt. I hate the sun. I hate everything when there is the sun. It blinds me, makes me sweaty and hot, and gives me headaches. Also, it burns my skin. So, no reason to love it. As I stood in line to throw my flower into the grave, I spent my time hating the sun. In that moment, I didn't realize how much this day would impact me. Her name was Verena. + +Depression + +Directly after the funeral, I fell into the deepest, darkest and the coldest well of depression. None of the previous episodes could come close to this one in severity. I was tired, I was failing on all fronts. I had ten days left to write my master's thesis, after which I had to go to Russia for three weeks — I deserved a vacation. I had been in a manic phase when I invited my then-partner's mom to come to visit Russia with me. Also, I didn't know how I was going to pay my bills. Verena's death was the trigger. +When it became clear that I would not be able to finish my thesis before the deadline and that I needed an extension, it was too late to cancel the trip. Christoph's (my ex) mom had already made all the reservations. I didn't want to go there. I had a bad feeling. I wanted to stay home and close off myself from the angry, cruel world. But I rarely change plans. So, I went. +I arrived in Moscow already at my worst. The first thing that I did upon arrival was buying a battery of alcoholic beverages and red bull cans to keep me going. This way I was going to write my thesis and to finish it by August 3rd. Good plan, destined for success. +I worked, but much more I drank, smoked and had severe headaches. A bad state to write your thesis. My next step was to keep myself awake by the cocktail vodka red bull, with a lot of vodka and a lot of red bull. Three all-nighters, four cigarette packs. I came forward. But the body never forgives. +Then Christoph's mother came. For a whole week, I needed to guide, to entertain and to translate for her. She was nearly helpless without me. She didn't know the language, people often didn't speak English and she wasn't very well at that either. Most importantly, she couldn't plan her program by herself. And she needed company by nearly any activity she undertook. A rich touristic program requires to get up early and to go to bed late. I was getting exhausted. I gave out all my energy, even the emergency generator. Burned all calories. No spoons left. +I still needed to finish my thesis. So again all-nighters, again red bull. With the only difference: I increasingly preferred watching TV shows over writing the thesis. And I couldn't wake up. I turned into a horrible host and an indifferent individual. I could not wait for her to leave. A shameful thought, but I could not ban it from my thinking feed. I was anticipating my trip to Saint Petersburg, the time in a summery St. Petersburg, which everyone is talking about. I wanted to fall in love with St. Petersburg too. I was excited to see Sonya, my dear friend-by-coincidence. She is an architecture enthusiast and gives brilliant city tours. +Instead, I locked myself up in her room for the whole week of my stay. I only came out of the room to either visit the bathroom or smoke a cigarette. Much more seldom it was because of the food. I was starving. Worse, I was deadly afraid to go outside. I was afraid of people and public space. I went outside only to buy cigarettes or alcohol, only at night and only in Sonya's company. +What was I doing behind the closed doors the whole week? I was watching a TV show. Over and over again. Until I exhaust myself and pass out. Sometimes Sonya forced me to work on my thesis, and I did. But more often I watched TV series, not wrote my thesis. In this fashion, I spent my last week before the deadline. +I failed. Self-explanatory. I went to my psychiatrist and first thing cried a quarter hour. I was the worst failure in the history of failures. He gave me a sick leave until the end of October. I had time to crawl out of the deep stinky rabbit hole I had accidentally fallen into. + +_____________ +So back to the pink fluffy unicorns: I, for example, like to play Two Dots. It's an endless game which gets ever more complicated. Being depressed I spent hours solving new problems and trying to unlock a new level. Eventually, I would give up and even delete the app from my phone. But then occasionally, I would install it again and start it all over. Because deleting the app did not kill the small worm who wants salvation from unresolved problems. + +Lighthouse stairs + +Lastly, depression is like a brief stop on the endless stairs leading to the top of a lighthouse. You take upon this torture because of the view that it rewards you with in the end. The way up there is at times unbearable and brutal to your lungs and leg muscles. The space is tight, and the air is bad. +Normally, the stairs are also crowded af, if we take a tower in a city hall or a cathedral. So, taking a short breath break is like a lottery. When you do get a chance, you would bow putting your hands on your knees. You breathe heavily and your face is red. You get no air, your lungs hurt, your leg muscles are sore. Looking either up or down makes you dizzy, and your feet sweat with tiny ice-cold drops. +In that moment you question your sanity in deciding to punish yourself with these stairs. You now see the promised view in relation to your suffering. You re-evaluate the price- performance ratio. And the results are not in favor of the view. But the stream of people on the stairs keeps moving. In most cases, it carries you away, again and again upwards. +Maybe the saddest thing about this is that in most cases you barely spend ten minutes on the roof of the tower. You briefly enjoy the view. Sometimes the view is disappointing. The weather was bad, gray clouds covered the city with a thick ceiling. The wind was strong and freezing. Your hair was flying around and got in your eyes and your mouth. It might be dirty and noisy upstairs. Even better, if you are afraid of height. In most cases, it's pretty crowdy on top. People are pushing each other, trying to get the best view. No one is talking to each other. +It is understandably very upsetting. You take pictures from all possible angles anyways and go downstairs. The way down seems much shorter than the way up. You easily run downstairs asking yourself whether the view was worth the trouble. You don't know. +Sometimes though, you might give up halfway through and turn back. Similar to the computer game wormy, we have a tower wormy. Every once in a while, it bites a little bit off your achievement organ and crawls inside your thinking organ. Then you forget about it only to remember again sometime later. + +Hope + +Now, going back to my introduction, when I wrote that during the depression, I try to understand my mistakes and to learn lessons from them so that I will never repeat them again. +In manic phases, which in my case normally follow depressive episodes, I challenge myself to act upon my new knowledge and imperatives. I need to do that to prove myself that I learned the lesson and deserve redemption. +I am my strongest critic. I need to forgive myself to move on, not the forgiveness of the others. I pass my own judgment on my actions. Because I know best all my motifs and thoughts. And before I ultimately forgive myself, I ask for forgiveness people that I hurt. Not formally to check the box, but genuinely and humbly. +NB! I did not intend to romanticize depression with these metaphors, or worse, to implicate that I have the cure to depression. Depression is a serious, brutal disease that tragically changes people's lives, and sometimes ends them. Therefore, I do not recommend terminating your prescription meds, if you are affected by depression or other mental health issues. I take a bunch of those on a daily basis. However, I do not propagate for taking medication either. Whatever works for you best is best for your health. Invest time into exploring those ways. It always pays off. + +If you are affected by depression + +If you are affected by depression, allow yourself time to recover. My former therapist used to say: ""If you want to lie on the couch, lie on the couch"". That's the best advice I can give you. When you are well, you won't lie on the couch anyways. Take your time. There is no hurry when it comes to health. +Second advice is to start slow and small. Make your bed. It's challenging enough. Don't be ashamed of feeling like taking a shower or doing laundry (because you have nothing left to wear) is Mount Everest (or Mount Weather rofl). It's okay. All people with depression share this mess and this shame. I think we should talk about this more, to support each other. So again, start small. Make your bed. It's enough. +Third thing, your depression procrastination pays off. Hundreds if not thousands of hours that I spent on YouTube watching beauty tutorials, BuzzFeed videos and in-depth analyses of each Game of Thrones’ episode, eventually make up for the wasted time. At some point, you'll be able to connect the dots and turn that Netflix binge madness into something meaningful. +Lastly, if you have suicidal thoughts, get help immediately. Tell people about this. Tell them +how you feel. Don’t be silent. They care. Get any help that’s available and acceptable to you: medical, religious, anonymous hotline, support group, parents, friends — anything will do. However, suicidal tendencies without a doubt qualify for a good reason to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. This is how I got diagnosed. I needed to get suicidal first to notice that something is not right. + +If you are close to an affected person + +If you are close to an affected person, give them time. Recovery is a gradual process. Be patient and supportive. They know that they have problems with hygiene, that their room looks like an aftermath of the nuclear war, that they haven't done the dishes in weeks. It's alright. If you can, help them. If you can't, leave them. Time will come when they get up and do all the dishes and laundry in one go. +Here, the spoon theory is a great illustration of this particular face of depression (shoutout to Anja Osypova). It is a metaphor that is +used to explain the reduced amount of mental and physical energy available for activities of living and productive tasks that may result from disability or chronic illness. The term spoons are a visual representation used as a unit of measure in order to quantify how much energy a person has throughout a given day. It was coined by Christine Miserandino in 2003 in her essay The Spoon Theory. According to her theory, each activity requires a given number of spoons, which will only be replaced as the person ""recharges"" through rest. A person who runs out of spoons has no choice but to rest until their spoons are replenished. However, people with chronic diseases [...] and various disabilities may have sleep difficulties. This can result in a particularly low supply of spoons. (Ctrl+C Ctrl+V from Wikipedia) +I hear people call each other tenderly spoony. I think it's cute. So, love your spoony, they can be adorable. +My former partner Christoph used to literally drag me out of bed every day when I was at my lowest. He woke me up with the best good morning YouTube playlist and started by shaking all my body parts. It was very funny and so I started my day with a smile. Then he asked me what I wanted to wear. In most cases, I said ""Dragon. I wanna be a dragon."" So, he went into my room and brought the dragon, socks, and slippers. He took one foot out of the blanket and stroke it. Then he put a sock on it. When he was done with the second foot, he would start putting the dragon on me, while I was still lying flat. Anyway, it was funny. I laughed a lot. Next, he would put me straight up and finish dressing me up as a dragon. I was ready to start a new day. +Tell them that you love them and that you believe in them. You might need to repeat it everyday. It is crucial to regularly give the person in depression encouraging affirmation and to cheer them up. On most days in depression, I cry at least once a day. I feel hopeless and worthless. I see no exit in the darkness. My partner was there to console me too. He hugged me, let me cry into his shirt and told me over and over again what I achieved and that I can do more. +Once I was about to meet an elderly friend of mine who is usually very proud of me and thinks highly of me. I grew to perceive her appreciation as high expectations. It put a lot of pressure on me. I was afraid not to meet the standards. So, this time, being deep in depression, I got so anxious so that I wanted to cancel the plans. Every time I thought about it, I started crying and couldn't calm down. I felt like a complete failure. But canceling the plans would be a typical failure too. So, I had nothing left to do but to cry. +Christoph took an A4 notebook and started going through the recent months with me. He asked me what I did in March, April, May, June, July, and August. Unexpectedly, it turned out that I had done a lot of things and worked a lot of jobs. At least on paper. So, we decided that we killed my worst enemy: I had things to tell about. My plan was to take a shower, put something semi-fancy on and just force myself outside. I would just recite from the chart Christoph and I had made earlier and that would do it. Fake it till you make it. +It wouldn't be me if I hadn't blown up my own plan. Soon enough into my report, I got annoyed by the necessity to keep up the facade. So, I told the three ladies that I felt like a piece of shit and that I had been feeling like shit for months and that I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I told them about my disorder, how I got diagnosed, how long it took me to find the medication that's right for me, that I went to a self-help group and that I found friends there. I felt relieved. And the ladies were again amazed by my honesty and strength. Of course, I thought that I didn't deserve it, but it was a huge relief, nevertheless. + +Epilogue + +As far as Christoph is concerned, so that you don't think that I am the luckiest girl in the world — which I was — should be rightly noted that he broke up with me three weeks ago. He couldn't deal with my illness any longer. And I let him go because he deserves it. I am deeply grateful for the time he spent next to me, feeding me off the spoon and putting the dragon on me. But I cannot force this burden on anyone. + +Author: Sasha Khrenova + +#depression #suicide #bipolar + +You can find this essay on Facebook if you want to share it. It would be appropriate due to my authorship. Also, it has pictures. +",Bipolar +46661,"Feeling 'normal'... But that scares me a bit. My GP still haven't put me on mood stabilizers. I am only on Sertraline till my next appointment. Which sent me on a bad, bad manic episode. My first episode which felt as real and dangerous as it could, to the point I have a scar on my face because I'd cut it. That is how serious it was. I didn't spent money nor had sex, I was however extremely paranoic, had too much energy, was hallucinating, my self-esteem was sky-high... At the time it was good, but now that I am back to myself... I am terrified of it. I hate it. Every moment of happiness I am scared that shit is starting again. + + +However, now, I am... Fine. I am not depressed. Which I was expecting, because I would always crash. I had an horrible depression that lasted 4 years, and it was packed with anxiety and panic attacks... It messed me up. I didn't finish school, nor do I have a job. I am a 23 yo that can't get its life right because of a crippling depression and anxiety. But for the very first time ever since my 13s (yes, I had panic attacks this long), I am feeling fine. But this is scary? I am not sure if Sertraline is dealing with my depression and is doing a good job at it. But the fear of getting manic again because of Sertraline is making my anxiety peak at night. Last night I woke up 4 times because I was hearing my dad call me, and then it was my mom, but really they weren't saying things... It was my imagination. But while I feel fine, this fear is so, so bad. I always think ""am I hallucinating again?"". + + + +Thoughts like ""in a few days I will either be depressed or manic again"" makes me extremely worried. And so is my family. They are very supportive, and they felt so powerless last time it scared them to death. Every time I say ""I am so happy today"" my mom asks me if I had a good night of sleep or if I am feeling like a bit high. Same for my sister and my dad. Questions like ""You okay? For real?"" is turning out to be too common. + + + +Seriously. This is the worst.",Bipolar +46662,"Making the Ativan to Klonopin switch. Any feelings about Klonopin? I'd been taking Ativan as needed for anxiety and sleep for several years now. But it's become clear that it's not that great for sleep- the half life isn't long enough for me to stay asleep, so I go to bed at 10 and wake up at 2:30, 4:30, 6:30 etc. My partner gave me some of her Klonopin as a test, and the next day my psychiatrist approved the switch. I'll be taking 1.5mg to start with. + +Anything I should know about it? I've had at least some little memory problems (partner said she cut me a check for rent and it was a bookmark in a book I was reading, I don't remember her ever giving it to me). But I'm wondering what people's experiences are.",Bipolar +46663,"Where I end and bipolar begins: passion? I'm not sure when I began having bipolar symptoms. But for most of my life, I've been very cyclic. I don't think I was stable for most of my adolescence. It is very scary for me to look back on my life. And think of how most of the times I really felt like MYSELF were when I was most likely manic. + +I used to be very goal-oriented, loved to learn, passionate about my hobbies. Just passionate, passionate, passionate. +But not always. I would slip into depressive phases and either lose interest in things or stop entirely. + +When I think of myself, I think of someone is incredibly passionate. But that doesnt describe me at all. I feel like a husk who used to be someone. I still like the same things. But I never learn, or do anything anymore. + +I used to write essays for fun. I used to practice Japanese religiously. I used to be so passionate. + +The scary thing is. I think my passion and vigor was never me. It was mania. + +I'm scared that I was never anything but manic or depressed. I'm scared that's all I'll be. Or a husk. + +The only moments where I feel like myself are when I'm passionate and working hard. But I haven't felt a single flicker of that passion since I had my manic episode. + +I just feel blank. Sometimes depressed. Sometimes stable. Mostly bored. And I'm scared to feel passion sometimes. Because then...its mania. It must be mania. + +I dont know how to separate who *I* am from bipolar disorder. Is the me that I appreciate just my manic self? Is this passionless, semi-depressed, stay at home, jobless, college drop out...ME? + + +TL;DR: My identity is being passionate, being hardworking, a love of learning. I'm scared the past me was just manic and that I will never have that kind of passion again (unless manic). What separates ME from bipolar? I am currently a husk of my old self.",Bipolar +46664,"An interesting title I read a lot but don’t write much, anxiety but today is different this is the longest cycle I’ve ever gone thru and am beginning to wonder when it will end, over and over I lose myself I lose all that I love and I begin to love the mania. +I won’t hang from the rafters but I can love this part of me and live like this. Bring it on world ?? bring on the pain and misery. ??",Bipolar +46665,"What are you all taking to help manage your depressive states? I’ve been on lamotrigine for a few years and it’s been great until now, this month I’ve had the worst depression since my diagnosis. I’m going to the doctor in a few days and I have no idea what he might recommend switching to or adding. I’m already on lithium which seems to help the manic side of things and I’ve tried depakote - that was seriously a dream drug for my mind but my body blew up - so that’s out. + +So what is everyone else taking to boost the depression up?",Bipolar +46666,"Doing a half marathon for charity - if you can donate anything, even a little bit is so helpful. Yep. I'm that prick but I'm hoping to raise £250 minimum, maybe even more if i'm lucky. + +&#x200B; + +Please donate if you can. spread the word if you can. + +I'm running for the mental health charity MIND, as they work so incredibly hard all the time and have provided and help me when discussing my rights, treatments and meds + +&#x200B; + +[https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/jess-woodward1996](https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/jess-woodward1996)",Bipolar +46667,"Dealing with fatigue, anhedonia, and cognitive impairment? I’ve been having these symptoms, I guess symptoms of depression, and I don’t know how to deal with them. Part of me wants to take a low dose stimulant medication... but I’m at risk for mania and psychosis. I just wonder if anyone else deals with this, how they deal with it, do they talk to their doctor about it? How do you talk to your doctor about it? What if doctors don’t take you seriously? My GP and psychiatrists haven’t taken this side of things seriously, and it’s been going on for years. I’m 33, not employed, not in education, not in a relationship, nothing going on in my life, no motivation, I struggle to focus enough even to have a conversation (I struggle to find words), I can’t focus on cleaning and don’t have the energy for it, and this has been going on for years. + +What makes this more pressing is that my mom is in poor health, her memory is failing at an increasingly rapid pace, my family’s financial situation is increasingly dire, and I need to step up and take on much more of our shared burdens. I do receive SSI disability but I never worked long enough for SSDI so it isn’t much, and not enough. My brother is also mentally ill and not working. My mom has been carrying all our burdens her whole life but it’s time for her to be in retirement and focus on her own wellbeing. + +What can I do? I feel like I’m missing that part of me that cares about getting up. My energy is almost bedridden level, like someone who has a serious physical disease. The GP tells me I have slight anemia (and I take iron pills) but otherwise they say nothing is wrong. + +I took like 2.5 milligrams of Ritalin the other day that I got from a friend, after my dad berated me about not doing anything. After that, I felt a little jittery but was able to get up and walk around, and I even went to the gym the next two days in a row, and did some basic chores around the house. I had better days than I’ve had in a really long time, and didn’t really suffer any side effects (besides some initial jitters)... But I know that this is playing with fire. Before my bipolar diagnosis, I had a prescribed stimulant for a while to study, and while it helped me study (and clean), I also dealt with huge amounts of anxiety, anger, and possibly a mixed episode... (idk how I would describe it... very agitated, speedy, anxious, angry mental state though). + +I’m very conflicted and confused, because I need something to change for me. I have a psychiatrist appointment today, and I just feel like the fatigue, anhedonia and cognitive impairment is a huge issue for me, but I’ve been trying to communicate this for years and don’t know how to. My GP is passing it to the psychiatrist, and psychiatrist is just giving me antidepressants that aren’t helping these specific symptoms (they do help my mood and anxiety though). Anybody else’s experiences would really help!",Bipolar +46668,"Hey guys, I'm a little worried about my condition. So I take lamictal, lithium, seroquel and adderall. All last week I was so manic that when I was tired, I was wired and creative. Nothing new, I know. 2 weeks back I had issues with my insurance which caused me to miss 4 days of lithium. So I worked on getting caught back up on dosage, cutting down to build back up. Day before yesterday, my stomach hurt so badly, and I could smell this rotten. Sour smell. I laid down, and slept for 3 hours. I woke up realizing I took no lamictal or lithium that night + +Now today I have been chasing down this foul odor that my wife cant smell. It's bad. It keeps getting stronger, and my stomach hurts and I just said f it, lay down again. The smell is so potent, that I have bunkered myself in my room, which has that odor, but only slightly. I'm all shakey, seeing shit, and a mess. + +Had anyone else had a situation like this before?",Bipolar +46669,"Wrote this while sectioned , day 6... ""Mania Made Me Do It"" + +Mania made me miss my class, +Perhaps that's why I didn't pass. +Mania made me steal those tools, +Played the clown and class fool. + +Mania made me smash the school window, +Lobbed it hard, smashed in one throw. +Mania made me drink so hard, +Smashed the gin glass left the shards. + +Mania made me smash a door, +I wept and wrangled on the floor. +Mania made me drink too much, +Persuaded myself it was my crutch. + +Mania made me incredibly poor, +Living life became a chore. +Mania made me feel as such, +That one day the stars I could touch. + +Mania made me think I was God, +But then I behaved like such a sod. +Mania made me talk so loud, +But perhaps I shouldn't be so proud. + +Mania made me rather odd, +I told the others who'd wryly nod. +Mania makes my mind a crowd, +I try to calm it with a shroud. + +Mania gave me a wild sex binge, +But surely after I did cringe. +Mania made me accuse my friend, +I thought he stalked me hours on end. + +Mania made me search the garden, +Made me accuse you - I beg your pardon. +Mania made me stop my pills, +Suspect the government of grave ills. + +Mania made me think I was Marx, +Made a speech in the park, commandeered a high street march. +Mania made me see weird shapes, +Talk nonstop two hours straight. + +Now I'm in a mental hospital, the loony bin, the madhouse. Now I am deep in the shit because mania made me do it. Mania made me do it! + +Victoria A Weaver 2019",Bipolar +46670,Feeling of dread and despair I have an overwhelming feeling of dread right now and I'm barely keeping it together. Im feeling legitly sick right now. I just cant. Plus I think my relationship is ending. My life was going so good. I was so stable. I am learning to leave my problems at the door when I go to work but i just cant deal with my life right now when I have time to think. I'm having these thoughts of stabbing myself. I'm not going to it's just a continuous cycle of these thoughts when I go through this. I can't deal with the dread and my relationship going down the shitter. Ugh ,Bipolar +46671,"Week 4 and not doing well I don't know if I should even post this here but I love this community and the support that derives from all of you and I am in need of support. + +I found out I was pregnant a few days ago and have had some major internal turmoil about decisions I have to make. Would I want to have a child, and am I ready for a child who could potentially have the multitude of disorders I have? Do I have the money for such a huge responsibility? Would aborting be a regret for me? Do I want to bring a child into this devastating world inside of a capitalistic society? + +I am so frazzled. I don't know what to do. I know I can't raise a child with no money but aborting sounds down right scary. No one can tell me what to do, I know, but what do I do?",Bipolar +46672,"Failing all of my classes again I failed one my first year, two last semester and I'm on my way to failing at least one this semester. My French teacher scolded me very harshly today and is speaking to the dean. Everything she said was true. I'm just so ashamed and needed to vent. My family is very disappointed in me as I have quite a high potential and a medium at an ""elite"" college but doing pretty much none of my work. I've already taken a leave of absence and being cooped up with my mother for that long drive me insane. Plus I really love school. I just feel so ashamed and need some motivation/support.",Bipolar +46673,why did i drink coffee at 4 pm honestly though i'm thankful for my meds which will allow me to get much needed sleep. i hope that this is okay to say. ,Bipolar +46674,"Trying to think through crisis Apologies in advance for how long this might be. + +Today they changed my meds due to me being in crisis and mixed state for awhile. So I’m weaning off Effexor and starting latuda. As well as switching from busipar to Clonidine, and keeping my 400mgs of seroquel a day. So a lot of change when I’ve been all over the place but I was excited for hopefully some relief. After getting this news I found out my boyfriend and I will be homeless in two weeks. We have been approved for section 8 but 8 families have to be placed before we can and they have no eta. My boyfriend is going to stay with his grandma and I’m going to bounce around friends houses I think. My grandmother and mom passed in September and November of 2018 and my dad passed when I was a teen. I spiraled into an uncontrollable sobbing mess because I can’t go to my grandmas who always took care of me. I feel like I’ve wrecked everything by going off the rails so hard this last year, and I’ve let my grandma down cause all she wanted was me to have my shit together before she died and I couldn’t even do that... idk the purpose of this post I think I just needed to get it off my chest. ",Bipolar +46675,"Anxiety from Vraylar? I recently got prescribed Vraylar for bipolar. The doctor said it would also help with my anxiety. The anxiety does happen less often, however, I'm still getting it occasionally and when I do, it is the worst it's ever been. Has anyone else experienced this? Does it pass?",Bipolar +46676,"My sister (14yo) just attempted suicide My sister has been suffering from eating disorders and depression for months now. This afternoon she just attempted suicide by taking lots of antidepressants. + +It's just so fucking frustrating how our genes are fucked up. At her age I was already at my second or third major depressive episode. + +And I'm so cought deep on my own shit that I don't know what I can do for her as I never knew what I could do to help myself and I never had any help at that point to know what could had been done. + +So that's it. Just wanted to vent a little and see if you guys maybe had any insights on this.",Bipolar +46677,"Bipolar and ADHD I saw a post from about a year ago about a person taking lamictal and vyvanse along with other things, but I couldn't exactly find what I was looking for. + +&#x200B; + +I've been taking lamictal for a while, but recently stopped taking it because I kept forgetting about it (I know, very bad. I'm back on it now). I've also been on vyvanse/other ADHD meds like adderal for a while as well. Apparently I've been manic recently according to my pdoc, which isn't surprising, so she took me off of vyvanse for the next month until I get my bipolar back in check. She said that stimulants like vyvanse can influence manic bipolar. + +What I was wondering if this was true. I've never had a problem before, and vyvanse helps me concentrate in school. Has anyone else had this experience where stimulates affected their manic-ness?",Bipolar +46678,"I’m so tired of being a disabled parent. I wish this were ever easy. I’m currently tearing up because I’m bedridden with severe asthma and I can’t look after my daughter alone (her father is with her supervising). I don’t know what I’d do if I were alone with her. I might die in the middle of the night trying to prepare things for her. It’s so scary and depressing. I wish I had a normal life. Normal physical wellness, mental wellness... but now I end up feeling like a terrible mother.",Bipolar +46679,"New here, and new diagnosis Hello reddit, I just got diagnosed with cyclothymia, and I have adhd. and have been medicated for two days. I struggled astronomically in the past, and even now. Ive cycled through many abusibe realtionships, addictions, suicidial tendencies among others. I feel really good figuring out that there's a word that describes people like me, or just me in general. However, I sort of am scared about my new diagnosis, and I'm still very VERY afraid of the stigma attached to it. I'm also afraid of telling people if it were to ever come up, or why I don't drink late at night anymore, or why I'm not ""fun."" It has been super disruptive of my ability to make and keep friends, often I find that I seperate myself from those around me. I am also a mom of a beautiful little girl, and I am terrified people won't think I can be a mom, or something worse will happen (Yay, paranoia). If anyone has ideas or things that have helped them cope or manage, or just want to share your story I'd be really happy to chat. + +(I am also being treated for ADHD as well) ",Bipolar +46680,"Gabapentin good? For those on Gabapentin, or who’ve been on it before, did it work well for you? Also, what’s your daily dosage? Thanks ",Bipolar +46681,"What about ketamine? I have major issues with my meds to the point where I stop taking them frequently. + +&#x200B; + +I also have an opportunity perhaps to explore ketamine therapy through a very reputable hospital. + +&#x200B; + +What should I know?",Bipolar +46682,Still recovering from psychotic break My first experience of full-blown mania months ago has left me humiliated and isolated. Trying to pick up the pieces. Just wanted to say thank you to this sub for your honesty and support.,Bipolar +46683,"Experiences with lamictal After being on 25 mg for two weeks, I've now been on 50 mg of lamictal for almost two weeks. I'm going to move to 75 mg soon, which (according to my psychiatrist) is when I should start to feel something. + +Just wanted to know what everyone's experiences were. I've had some pretty terrible experiences with medications in the past. Zoloft made me go manic (which is what caused my psychiatrist to realize that I probably have bipolar tendencies). Another one which I've had (I cannot remember the name of it -- it had two names, one started with an ""m"" and the other with a ""r"") caused weight gain. + +My main worry is any side effects -- particularly weight gain. I've gained the horrid freshmen 15 after starting college. Also, I've gone off of my Dexedrine (which majorly suppresses appetite) -- which I've been taking since I was eleven years old. It's hard to manage my appetite now that I actually feel hunger. + +I've also heard that lamictal can cause lethargy. I've actually been experiencing issues with insomnia (which I'm now taking ambien for, which I hope doesn't cause weight gain as well) and briefly went off of lamictal because I couldn't sleep. What have been the experiences of people that were made more energetic by lamictal? Did you still get the whole ""brain fog"" or anything? + +At what dosage did you guys start to notice changes? + +When should I start worrying about the dreaded rash that I'm always told to fear for? I haven't gotten anything so far, but am I at too low of a dosage to feel safe about not having had any rashes? ",Bipolar +46684,"Does anyone feel like your meds do nothing? I'm on heaps of meds, and I feel exactly the same as being off them, apart from the occasional side effect. Then I think, if they don't have any effect, do I even have bipolar? Probably sounds silly, but it's what I think sometimes. Does anyone else feel this way about medication? + + +If interested, I'm taking Lithium (900), Latuda (20), Lamictal (100), Abilify (15), Wellbutrin (150 - I think), ADHD meds, and side effect meds. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46685,"oh, i'm the science witch the format of this reddit thing is all new to me...but i do like this dark mode. + +[The Science Witch](https://www.michellelmead.wordpress.com) is my blog, and it's full of rambling weirdness couched in philosophy and science lessons, all as an excuse to talk about my mental health journey through coping with bipolar and ptsd while i write a book. kinda messy, but scary-fun at the same time.",Bipolar +46686,"Has CBD made anyone here /worse/? I’ve been smoking weed really heavily for a few months, and during my last manic episode it was giving me symptoms of psychosis like hearing voices and eventually started giving me 3 hour long panic attacks where I’m /convinced/ I’m dying. I finally decided to quit weed and threw all my weed out. I bought CBD oil at a hippy grocery store here and decided to try that since it’s literally proven to not make you intoxicated, calm anxiety, and there’s even studies showing it to be an antipsychotic. + +Last night I took it for the first time and I did feel great for the first hour or so. I was estatic that I finally found something that can help me sleep with out making me psychotic. Until I ended up having another panic attack. I became very anxious that every little ache I felt or inch I felt was a sign that I was going to drop dead from cancer anytime soon. I was shaking so hard and would stand up to do something but become so distracted that I’d just walk back and forth a few times and then lay back down in bed. I even heard voices like I usually do when I get really high on strong sativa. I honestly, definitely felt high, and CBD isn’t supposed to make you high at all! It’s just supposed to be like a muscle relaxer. + +I’m honestly so confused about why I had this reaction. I’m not manic anymore, I have definitely crashed into depression and have been depressed for a week or so now. The fact that I’m not manic and *supposedly* wasn’t high when this ‘panic attack’ happened is really concerning to me? Especially because I was still hearing voices? (I say *supposedly* because since there’s not any regulation laws on CBD, technically the manufacturer could leave traces of THC in it and not tell you, so I guess theoretically I could have been high. But I bought really expensive CBD from a really reputable store, so I’m hesitant to think that it would be spiked with THC) + +I don’t have any of these symptoms during the day when I’m completely sober. I thought CBD was safe, everyone says it calms you down and relaxes you. Why tf did I have the opposite reaction? What are your experiences with CBD?",Bipolar +46687,I lost weight on Zyprexa :O Guysssss I started really committing to a diet after weight gain from all my meds and I'm actually losing weight on zyprexa! I legit didn't think it would be possible with all the hunger and it's notorious reputation. Anyway I am feeling really in control after feeling completely helpless (depakote weight gain like woah) with my physical and mental state and just wanted to share with you all! ????,Bipolar +46688,"In a bout of mania and can’t sleep. This just made it for me. “Everybody hurts.” (Post in comments) https://youtu.be/sSOCIxu2FPI + +“Everybody hurts” +To have to wake up everyday and value your worth and self is a struggle on its own. I applaud every person with a mental illness and it’s an ABSOLUTE struggle to make your every day life “normal.” I hate that word (normal) but it is used so frequently. An illness that is not apparent to every day society is still an illness. I am so thankful that people have an outlet to a place like Reddit for emotional support. I appreciate you guys and I hope you guys understand the impact that this community has had on a lot of different people. Just keep humble and amazing and keep humanity going. Everybody hurts and you are worth it. Keep swimming with this. I’ll swim with you. All the way.",Bipolar +46689,"rant went manic, got taken off of an antidepressant and put back on an antipsychotic a few weeks ago, and was subsequently in a depressive slump. so i slacked off and didn't do any of my coursework + +then last week seemed to get better. i was still procrastinating but managed to get some work done. was feeling really stable. able to get back on top of hobbies like cooking/baking and reading. disordered eating was getting back in check (i was bingeing for the month before). made time to watch a bunch of movies. + +the academic quarter is ending next week. i'm feeling better so naturally i decide to catch up on the coursework i missed. it's a shit ton of work so for the past few days i've been getting something like 5 hours of sleep. well i guess the stress and the lack of sleep is enough to send me manic again despite being on risperdal. fuck this. i miss the euphoric, godlike, powerful mania. i just can't sleep and can't focus. when i wasn't getting sleep for the past few days i was fucking exhausted the whole time and now i feel wired as hell. + +i hate this brain",Bipolar +46690,"Unable to hold a job for long So I’m 30 and the longest I’ve ever held a job was for 2 and a half years. When I was younger I didn’t even know why I kept quitting my jobs but now I have a better idea. Sometimes, during periods of mania I would just randomly say “fuck it” and quit a job. Then during depressive periods I would get suicidal and lose all motivation and drive and then I would quit a job. Then during other times I would quit my job in a fit of blind rage. I don’t do well working with the public for long and I almost inevitably have a confrontation at some point. + +The point is whether it was from impulsive mania, suicidal depression or simply blind rage I have never been able to hold down a job for long. I have never once given a two weeks notice. Every single time I’ve just walked out or just never came back. This has happened at nearly 15 jobs by now + +I’m not proud of any of this, in fact I find it quite painful. My reckless actions have really damaged my life.",Bipolar +46691,"Hypomania and False Hope r/Bipolar: “Is there anyone present who is making their first post or has been diagnosed in the last 30 days? If so, please introduce yourself.” + +Me: *stands up* Hey everyone, I’m pickleb1tch, and I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2. I’ve been trying to manage, but it’s getting hard. I’m on meds, but they’re being adjusted and that’s a process. + +I used to love my hypomania. With the small caveat of mild insomnia, loss of appetite, and wanting to do everything at once thus getting nothing done, it’s a pretty good time. The world seems beautiful and I feel euphoric. I become more creative and productive. Being around people makes me happy and I seek company. Conversations become more meaningful and memorable. + +Lately, I feel as if being hypomanic contributed to me doing things “normal” me wouldn’t do. Hypomania let me feel capable and as if I mattered a bit more than I did. Think very mild delusions. Among the things I wouldn’t normally do: A friend (A) had confided in me about troubles regarding her friend (B). I hadn’t been present in either of their lives for almost 2 years for various reasons. So I went ahead and made a long but gentle text to B about maybe considering talking to a professional about problems A mentioned - without telling A that I texted B. A texted me, clearly upset, and I hadn’t grasped the gravity or the sensitivity of the topic. It was something between the two of them and I had breached their trust. I was way out of line. I had been absent for 2 years and thought I could butt in and fix things like a glowing ethereal fairy whose words of wisdom would magically make all things well. I thought I had a connection with them that had clearly been far weaker than I perceived, but thought I was doing a good thing. Writing that text felt like I was genuinely helping, like it would change things: more so than I normally would and looking back at the text I sent to B makes my insides curdle. Like Reggae says, “it wasn’t me”. + +You might think “ok, it’s just one text to your friends what’s the big deal?” For me, a lot was at stake. I hadn’t been there for a long while and was still testing the waters. I had no friends when I came back, and I desperately needed friends. It felt like I kinda had to make good impressions else I’d lose them forever. + +I know this is super mild compared to the severity of others’ mania, but for me it’s new and scary. When I realized what I had done with some semblance of sanity, I just sobbed and screamed in the car for this to “go away, leave me alone, make it stop.” + +So please, if you’ve made it this far, a bit of advice about grounding yourself during mania would be greatly appreciated. ",Bipolar +46692,"Any mothers feel like extreme shit and guilty ALL the time!? I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old and some days it's hard for me to even get up and do my dishes. I'm irritable with them and angry. I try not to yell at them, so I end up walking away screaming into a pillow from the stress. I feel like a failure as a mother and like I can't do this. My thoughts are constant, ""How can I be a mother when I'm ""not normal."" ""What if they have bipolar too?"" + +I want to protect them from this pain and I can't even help myself. I feel so guilty. Like I'm a bad mom. Or I don't do enough. + +I'm on meds. I see a therapist. Nothing works. I'm cycling through mania lately and now that the mania is ending I feel the depression coming on FULL FORCE. This time of year is always bad for me. How do you cope? I lost my passion for every artistic thing that helps me like producing music and drawing. I can't stop thinking negatively, even with nightly meditation. + +(oh and side note. I recently, in November, got the Nexplanon birth control implant in my arm and I've had my period for over TWO MONTHS. as If I wasn't already an emotional mess.. I feel like a 15 year old again going through crazy ass hormones I can't control) HELP!!!!!!! :'(",Bipolar +46693,"Rapid cycling. Please help. Hi guys + +I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but they seem to think it’s something else as I don’t fit the category properly. My GP put me on antidepressants. I’m cycling between moods in a matter of days and I don’t know what to do. When I go to my GP I’m not being heard and I feel like no one takes me seriously. I last visited my GP exactly a month ago when she started me on these antidepressants, I asked if I can be referred again for an assessment. I was referred to SPA and then they contacted me and over the telephone asked me what’s going on (I told them everything) but at the time I was good (manic) so she was like ok that’s good let’s leave you on the medication for now. I don’t know if that’s what my GP referred me to or if I should be waiting on another referral? I’m just so confused and sick and tired of all these moods. I can’t be productive or do anything when I’m like this. I’m just feeling so down and depressed, I have no idea where my time even goes. I’ll be going back to my GP next week but what should I say? I feel like everything is just overwhelming right now and everything is making it worse. Sorry if this is repetitive or doesn’t make sense ",Bipolar +46694,"My doctor put me on a leave. I've been stable for a long time without meds. It's been about 11 years. + +Well that changed. + +Last week I started having some derealization, depersonalization and sensory sensitivity. The mental illness was hard to hide. + +I run myself hard. 1.5 jobs with complex advocacy/legal-y components. For the last five years, I went to school part time while I worked one or two jobs full time. I over commit myself constantly. And that is through hypo-mania and depression. I push. I always push myself. And I may have just run myself down. + +So now I'm off work with an unknown return date and waiting for her to call in drugs for me. Lithium is on the top of the list. I've never been on it before, and I've heard good and bad things. + +It just sort of is what it is. I'm trying to treat this like a vacation for now. I do what I want, when I want. I almost feel like I have a free pass to eat all the cookies because I'm crazy (in a comedic, not dangerous to self and others kind of sense). + +This is very surreal for me. I have been in this same general zone before when I was a teenager, but I was in the US then and they still made me go to school and perform. I still needed to maintain my GPA (which didn't happen). So it's strange that this is taken so seriously now. I'm pleased about it, but it it's still hard to conceptualize. + +And that's it... Thank you for reading. + +Going to go get a snack now.... Because... Well, I can... + + +",Bipolar +46695,"Anyone else desperately searching for people to bring new ""adventures"" My last hypomanic episode, I met a guy off tinder and we spent pretty much 2 months together everyday. Everyday was a new adventure, lots of alcohol, house parties, clubs, gigs, meeting friends, 4 am walks. So many new environments and experiences, and we pretty much left the house for 14 hours a day and wandered around. And it wasn't all alcohol. Just walking around the streets for hours, talking to new people, watching a new film, going to a new cafe all in a day. Sadly it ended sour. And of course it's not really a healthy way to live. But it felt great to have someone who matched my energy in that state. + +&#x200B; + +I'm now coming out of a depressive episode. I don't know what I am right now, but I am longing for someone to sweep me off my feet and have a 7 day bender with me. I'm this close to redownloading tinder and going out with anyone. As awful as it sounds, I don't even really want to hang out with my existing friends like this. I specifically want someone new, and someone who's going to spend an unhealthy amount of time with me and probably kill their liver with alcohol. I don't know, it just seems more exciting? The idea of watching TV with a friend feels like a band aid. I can't be quiet. I want to dance! I may be in my PJs but if someone I didn't really know invited me.... anywhere right now, I would jump out of bed. + +&#x200B; + +Anyone else feel like they need someone new when (hypo)manic? I really don't think I can be alone if I keep going up and I'm probably going to hang out with anyone I can.",Bipolar +46696,"SO in need of help We have been together with break ups for 7 years. +2 years ago we moved for a fresh start but I feel it was to get me away from friends and family as all I have is him now. He also now has little support. +I am scared for my safety and though I love him I can't do this to myself no more. I want children and a house and this feels like it'll never happen. +We have moved countless times from him damaging the houses or putting us in financial debt that we are then kicked out. We have been homeless from him not being able to accept help and choosing drugs. +My jobs have been comprised from him going into work and abusing me having police show up or I become sick from no sleep or malnourished or crazy depressed. +He is in and out of work for his family but really is just a pay cheque and he never goes to work so has no routine. Especially now days. +I've had many police involvements and hospitalized from them and other times. +This past year and a half has been nothing but a downward spiral and I feel I am an enabler and he does better without me because he has to stand on his own two feet when I'm not there. I feel like a mother more than a partner. +Our current house is trashed inside and out. Actual mess and filth to house damage aswell. +He recently got out of hospital but his mania is still very high up. He spent all our pay on material things, drugs and the likes and we now have to paid rent that I'm aware of for 2 weeks. He goes out at all hours night driving around and from this his car has been in multiple crashes but won't tell me any details so we can't get insurance. It's still half drivable but suspended and I'm worried of him driving my car. +I have most of my belongings in my car as he has said he will light the house in fire before being hospitalized and did try. +I am extremely mentally drainage from all this and the way I am spoken to constantly. I am walking on egg shells and get no sleep as he hardly sleeps and does many OCD things to wake me up like flicking lights, rummaging through draws. Half organising or cleaning at inappropriate hours of the night. Physically waking me up to harrass me when his not driving around. I know his taken his meds and the hospital and docs just won't believe me that he isn't fine and his meds currently don't work anymore. +I am sorry for the mess of this post. Hard to put 7 years of a very stressful realtionships in words and currently what's happening. +How do I get out? I feel I have spent majority of the years trying so hard to help and also been a bad guy and an enabler which makes it hard too. But it gets harder and harder to see a future and happiness. +I am scared he will try to hurt himself or follow me if I try. +Any advice I'd be so greatful for. ",Bipolar +46697,DBT self study workbook recommendations? I'd like to do some DBT work on my own. Does anyone have some materials they would recommend?,Bipolar +46698,"Supporting and promoting writing and poetry from the Bipolar community Hey there writers and poets of /r/BipolarReddit, + +I'm from a writers' resource website called [Winning Writers](https://winningwriters.com/). Part of our mission is to find and promote voices and themes underrepresented in publishing, including (but of course not limited to) racial, cultural, national, religious, gender/sexual identity, body positive, neurodiverse, and [dis]abled. We are interested primarily in the representation of the voices/themes in the poetry, rather than the identity of the writer. At this time of year we're offering two contests: + +[The Tom Howard/John H. Reid Fiction and Essay Contest]( https://winningwriters.com/our-contests/tom-howard-john-h-reid-fiction-essay-contest), with two first prizes of $2000 each, ten honorable mentions receiving $100 each, and the top twelve entries published online. The contest is international. The deadline is April 30. + +[The Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest](https://winningwriters.com/our-contests/wergle-flomp-humor-poetry-contest-free), with a first prize of $1000, a second prize of $250, and ten honorable mentions of $100 each. The top twelve entries will be published online. The contest is international and the deadline is April 1. + +Since I started doing outreach on Reddit last year we've received hundreds more entries featuring diverse characters and voices. We're working hard to increase the diversity of our entry pool and give good writers the exposure they deserve. I know /r/BipolarReddit isn't technically a ""writers' subreddit,"" but in the past some of our strongest entries have come from subs like this one, which ostensibly have nothing to do with writing. So, if you are a writer, please consider entering our contests. And if you know any writers, please consider passing this information on to them.",Bipolar +46699,"Meds while pregnant? I'm 28F and my SO and I are at the point where marriage is likely and then kids. It sort of hit me the other day, and I can't find a definitive answer anywhere online, do you have to completely come off all mental health medications when pregnant? Right now I take a handful (lamictal, cymbalta, ativan, and trazodone), BP2. I just know if I have to get off them... well, I'd likely be dead in a month, it's nasty. I don't believe I could do that. Does it just depend what ones you're on?",Bipolar +46700,"I won't be able to take my Latuda for the weekend. How bad is this? So, I was going to refill my 80mg Latuda prescription today when I discovered I didn't in fact have any refills remaining. Normally, that's not a problem and my doctor's office will send a new scrip right over, but I realized this after they'd closed for the day. That means I'll miss three doses before I can get it refilled. How bad is this?",Bipolar +46701,"Anxiety Overload I don't know what is going on with me lately but my anxiety is out of control. I have Ativan but I've been trying to avoid it. My big thing is the overwhelming sense of dread I get about my cats being hurt or sick or anything beong wrong. I have two and they are like my children. I'd no joke die for them. They have gotten me through so much. And to feel needed, to have someone rely on me, makes me feel so much better. Riggt now my momma's boy, Fred has a cough and it scares me to tears. The vet said it might be bronchitis but that was two weeks ago and I'm in a panic. + +Then tonight I was almost in tears again because it looked like he was limping and he made a weird jump that morning. I have wood floors and they slip sometimes.. I just can't get it out of my head that something bad is going to happen. I can't lose either of them it would crush me. I haven't been sleeping because of my fear. Getting only a few hours if that. How the hell do I calm down? + +I've always feared medical stuff myself so I think I'm projecting on the boys. I just can't live like this. I'm so scared and worried. Am I valid in my fear? I don't know what to do. Please help.",Bipolar +46702,"Recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I have some questions. I'm 26 years old and just had my first manic episode this past October. I'm now living with my parents while my brain heals. The thing is, I used to feel like I was a really sharp thinker before I started smoking weed. I won't go into it but weed has been a detriment to my mental health with how much I've partaken since 17. It feels like there would have never been this decline if I didn't start smoking. So my questions + +Could weed have been responsible for triggering my disorder? + +How long did it take it take before you started thinking clearly again after being on meds? I'm on olanzipine and lithium.",Bipolar +46703,"Forgive! and Forget? I don't often let people do unforgivable things and get away with it. At 37 and BP1 it's just easier to let those bridges burn. Occasionally though there are those few people in my life that rarely if ever hurt me, but it has happened recently. After multiple conversations with said person we have decided to move past it amicably. It's important to me that this person remains in my support circle. Anyway, I have forgiven them without problem. I'm a pretty open person and people fuck up. It's life. It's how we recover from it. Well... I can't seem to forget it. I'm having trust issues and generally feel not so great when I'm around them. Like a bad energy kinda feel bad. The last few days I've had this overwhelming sense of dread. I don't know. Does anyone else experience such issues and if so how have you dealt with them? Oh yeah on top of everything I've been rapid cycling daily within a mixed episode for a few weeks. It's starting to wear on me more than I'd like.",Bipolar +46704,"Hey guys I have a question about voices. I've had hallucinations before where you hear external voices, in my case when it was really bad it was demons talking through my sister and my dad to me that they were going to do awful things to them. + +BUT I'd had this thing throughout the years of a demon sitting on my shoulder planting bad thoughts into my head. And then the other side was combating it. Is this considered Intrusive Thoughts or is it a hallucination too? Or is it a combo of Intrusive Thoughts and delusions? ",Bipolar +46705,"lithium, anticonvulsants, antipsychotics, benzos--which are the most dangerous to be on long-term? Hey everyone, + +&#x200B; + +So I've recently been through a rough half year involving suicidal ideation, crazy mood swings, three months on disability, and two surgeries. Needless to say like has been incredibly stressful. The number of meds I'm on has grown to the following: trileptal, lithium, saphris, rexulti, klonopin, and provigil. I want to wean down so am wondering, which of these are the worst to be on long-term? Which are the safest? I need to figure out the right cocktail and I just want to get off all of them but history has shown this is not the smartest thing to do.",Bipolar +46706,"Advice for a bipolar person taking lithium for the first time I'm just really curious about prescription meds. Months ako I was prescribed lithium by the doctor but I had issues with addiction(not drug related) before so I kinda avoided it until now. If so, what are your experiences with it? Also, are there meds specifically when someone is in a depressive or manic episode? Thanks so much. ",Bipolar +46707,"Bipolar tendencies that get out of hand Am I the only one who can be in a house full of people and pets & feel like the most lonely person on the planet? +I mean I feel like the life I have is like I'm in some kind of Alice in Wonderland saga. +I should be GREATFUL. But damm, I feel like I'm missing out on adventure or something. +I have a wonderful supportive husband. 2 mostly great kids, a June Cleaver kind of life. Anyone would kill for my life right now. +The only thing I can think of is damm, how much longer am I in this for? +I want to be wild and free. No attachments. No expectations. Just me, my dog, my truck, and my camper on the open road. +I'm such a gypsy by nature. This staying in one place hits my internal self like a damm knife. +Idk, maybe it's me. ",Bipolar +46708,"Can you have bipolar and not no? I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar, I suffer with various deppereison, mood swings, parnoid, general anxiety disorder and ocd. + +How would a doctor work out what is causing what? Can you be bipolar and not show some symptoms? ",Bipolar +46709,"Please tell me about your first (hypo-)manic episode. I rejected a suspected diagnosis because I'm still hoping it wasn't mania. I only recently (26/F) realized I *might* have had more than just a ""good time"" or a ""sort-of-mild-hypomanic-state-but-not-really"" during last summer, while caring for my SO (33/M), who had a terrifying psychotic manic episode for the first time in our relationship. +Until now, I never once associated my... utterly *unusual* behavior back then with BP. + +It began last spring, when the fog of my life-long crippling depression suddenly lifted: First, I became motivated, euphoric and optimistic; then, I felt like a superintellectual magic sex goddess; and then finally, between summer and fall, I turned into a binge-drinking, erratic mess who would stay up 3 or 4 days straight, had spent thousands of euros on chemistry textbooks, plant oils and booze, lost many important friends during the ride and ended a relationship of 5 intense years per text, only to start dating one of her ex's friends a month after. + +Could it be that it was a one-time substance-induced mania as the treatment of my severe ADHD had begun only a year before? +Methylphenidate usually *eliminates* my restlessness, emotional instability and impulsivity and chills me the fuck down. I can easily fall asleep at night, one/two hours after taking +30mg. +I do have episodically recurring insomnia since childhood though, which occurs seemingly independently from medication. +But still... + +Does it really sound like the beginning of BP to you? Does something like an one-time mania due to ADHD meds and/or excessive use of cannabis exist? + +How did your first mania evolve? Please tell.",Bipolar +46710,Tardive diskinesia Talk to me about tardive diskinesia. Do you/have you had it? Were you able to get rid of it? Does it ever get better or does it get worse with time?,Bipolar +46711,"My attention span has plummeted to almost nothing. After a year of trying I finally finished a book! I used to be an avid reader, among other attention intensive hobbies, but as my illness has progressed I’ve lost all ability to concentrate it seems. I bought Carrie Fisher’s “Wishful Drinking” last February on a recommendation and because I knew it was relatively short. After literally just over a year of struggling to try to read it I’ve finally finished! It was incredibly frustrating because it really was a fascinating and hilarious read, but I just couldn’t for the life of me focus long enough to retain anything. Even though it took me a stupidly long time to complete It still feels like a pretty big accomplishment and I just wanted to share! + +Side note: I’d highly recommend ""Wishful Drinking"" to anyone reading this. Carrie’s retelling of her life is bittersweet in the best way possible. Her humor in addressing the problems she faced was really relatable and refreshing. Though, as you probably guessed from the title, the whole thing is basically one giant trigger warning.",Bipolar +46712,"Vivid dreams are making it impossible to get rest I have Bipolar II and I'm so sick and tired of feeling like I get no rest at all. Every night I have dreams that are either nightmares (people murdering me, my loved ones dying, at one point I even dreamed someone was slicing open my veins and I was heading towards the light and forced myself to wake up so I wouldn't die) or dreams that genuinely feel like real life and then I wake up confused that I'm in my bed. For the past few nights I've had dreams that I'm in relationships or in love with someone and then I wake up and am honestly kind of sad that it's not real. The content of the dreams and the lack of restful sleep is really starting to drag me into a bad depressive episode. I feel so helpless..I take 75 mg of Lamictal and 75 mg of Wellbutrin. I know vivid dreams can be a side effect of lamictal but I'm very sensitive to medication and terrified to try different drugs. I was prescribed vistaril but I hate taking it because of how tired it makes me the next day and it honestly didn't really stop the dreams. I used to smoke weed and it definitely made it so I have no dreams but I started to get horrible panic attacks so that's a no go. Does anyone have any experiences like this and could offer me advice or medications to look into?",Bipolar +46713,"Help Coping With Hypersexuality??? I’ve been feeling super hypersexual for the last month and a half after about a year of having absolutely zero interest in sex whatsoever. And I don’t know how to deal. Help!!! + +As background, I have a lot of sexual trauma going back to childhood that I’m in the process of finding a therapist to deal with (life is hard without insurance). + +I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and he’s amazing, but he’s not feeling the same need to suddenly have sex all the time and the sex we have been having feels a bit unfulfilling and like I’m just going through the motions. + +I’ve also had what was a harmless crush on a coworker for a while, but lately I feel like it’s getting into risky territory where I’m changing my wardrobe and behavior and it even got to the point where he (jokingly? I can’t tell right now!) asked me out even though he knows my boyfriend well. And I didn’t say yes but the best I could do was say that it’d make my boyfriend sad. + +And I’m afraid I’m going to do something I regret and hurt the people I care about. + +I just was hoping that people might have some coping strategies. I could really use any help I can get right now. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46714,I(15m) haven't taken my meds in 3 weeks. So yeah I haven't had a good night sleep in a week I went off my bipolar meds cuase I just keep on forgetting to take them so I'm in school right now so i cant take them and I'm suppose to take them at night so I'm going to try to remember to take them tonight. What I'm asking if I should tell anyone im off my meds my mom is out of town and it's just me and my twin sisters(17/17) that are home so should I tell my sister or keep this to myself.,Bipolar +46715,"I don’t have an appointment until Thursday and I am barely hanging on... horrible mixed episode... not sure what to do in this situation It started with a massive depressive episode after over a month of doing really good. It came out of nowhere with none of the usual triggers or red flags. It got to they point where I was about to go to the ER. The only thing that stopped me is that I work at the hospital and I would have been seen by people I know. + +I made it through the night. Since then I have had a few days of being almost constantly awake, in various states of mania and hopelessness. My therapist can’t see me until Thursday and my Psych doc can’t see me until next Tuesday. My antipsychotic was gone, I had been doing so good that I hadn’t used it in forever. All I have had is my usual meds, which aren’t doing anything and my lorazepam for my panic attacks. + +Yesterday I had a huge panic attack in the middle of all this, ended up taking more loraz than ever before and it barely touched it. My girlfriend found me walking along in the snow crying by the side of the road. An absolute mess. (First time I have cried in probably 2 years too, I can’t usually get emotional but it all just started pouring out.) + +I just don’t know what to do to get through until my appointment. How can I make it with all those hours between now and then?",Bipolar +46716,"The Logical Loop The suicidal ideation always starts in the most reasonable, logical way. I hate cycling. I don't want to do this anymore. Kill yourself. It is almost entirely devoid of emotion except for maybe fear of the horrible human being I am becoming worse. It has rooted. Soon enough it will be an emotional, visceral, barely controllable impulse if I can control it. + +All weapons have been surrendered. The proper people notified. Now I wait. Again. Forever. I guess.",Bipolar +46717,"I quit smoking weed and my life has gotten way better I was diagnosed bipolar 2 about a year and a half ago, but I havn’t had the opportunity to go on meds yet because I’ve been moving around a lot, lost my insurance, bullshit like that. I started smoking weed for the first time during a manic episode about 6 months ago and smoked nightly no matter what my mood state was. If I was manic I would smoke all day everyday to feel less “up”, and if I was depressed or baseline I smoked to wind down at night or to distract myself from being depressed. I swore by weed and told all my friends it was actually making me more stable, but I see now that I was just numbing my symptoms. + +I was in a manic episode for the last month of these 6 months, this recent February. Every night during this month the smoking started giving me 3 hour panic attacks. It started slowly, maybe the first week I would just get paranoid about stuff like cops, and then I started hearing voices ontop of the paranoia, and then I slowly became convinced that I secretly had some medical issues that could kill me every second, and then finally the last week or two I would smoke and just become completely convinced I would die in my sleep. This even happened at a party, I didn’t even smoke that much but began hearing voices and had to leave the party early. It was humiliating. And being convinced you’re going to die is very traumatizing, especially when it happens night after night. I would be laying in my bed shaking, too high to even cry, and praying to god to forgive me for my sins since I was going to die that night, all while listening to classical music to try and calm down and hearing voices speak over the music. Finally I just said, why the fuck am I paying for weed, paying to have these panic attacks? So I threw it all away. + +This was about a week ago, and I’ve been a week sober for the first time in 6 months. I can already notice myself returning back to normal. I hadn’t realized how much weed was affecting my brain even when I wasn’t high. I have wayyy less anxiety, whereas when I was smoking I was wondering why I was suddenly developing anxiety. I wake up feeling refreshed and not still high from the night before. I don’t think every little ache and pain in my body is secretly cancer or something that’s going to make me magically drop dead. I’m not paranoid about cops busting in and arresting me for no reason. I was derealized for a long time and nothing felt real, and now everything feels real again. I hadn’t realized how fucked up weed was making me. + +I guess I wanted to post this because I’ve seen people on here say the same things I used to swear by, that weed is ok to self medicate with and that it actually reduces your symptoms. If you start getting paranoid when you smoke, you need to stop before it becomes psychotic panic attacks like i was having. I finally feel like I’m returning back to my normal self. I’m not even sad about having to quit like I imagine doing I’d be. I have literally no desire to smoke anymore, I’d do anything if it means I didn’t have to suffer another 3 hour panic attack of hearing voices and saying farewell to the world as I fall asleep and prepare to die. + +So yah, use weed if you want. But be aware that it gets bad very quickly, and likely is affecting you when you’re not high and you don’t even realize it. Take a week off and see what happens. ",Bipolar +46718,"need to do this this is a repost and i apologize if its the wrong thing for this subreddit. on r/bipolar i saw a post from someone planning on committing suicide [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/b0dtx5/this_is_the_end_my_end/). iv'e seen too many people go like this and feel obligated to do everything in my power to stop this. if you see this i ask that you just run over there and comfort them, assuming its not too late. please.",Bipolar +46719,"My boyfriend is forcing over communication on me because of my diagnosis. I tried (again) to tell him I don't feel comfortable talking to him about *everything*. He makes me talk about bipolar related things despite me telling him I don't feel comfortable talking about it in front of/to people who aren't bipolar. + +He's telling me now how ""doctors and everyone"" say that communication is key when living with this disorder. + +Am I being unreasonable?",Bipolar +46720,"Brain Zaps? (Not on meds) I've been off medication since October, and generally doing really well, really proud of myself. HOWEVER: I've been experiencing infrequent brain zaps (that's all I know how to call them, but they're weird) at night. + + +This happens only when I'm laying down at night, and almost exclusively when I'm in a really bad depressive episode. I get this low humming in my ears (like when you yawn or stretch), and then it builds up really loud for a few seconds. Usually when this happens, I either have really intense hallucinogenic dreams (where sometimes I can't tell if I'm awake or asleep), or I sleepwalk, where I fully remember being conscious, but didn't feel as though I had any control or explanation for my actions. Once I ""woke up"" scrubbing change on my bathroom floor, and didn't know how long I'd been ""out"" for. + +I can tell when this is going to happen because I get nauseous, and it doesn't matter if I'm sleeping on either side or on my back or stomach. It lasts what seems like a few seconds, and then I'm ""good"" for the night (i.e. after the incident I sleep through the night). + +This isn't accompanied by drug or alcohol use, it just seems to happen. Again, almost exclusively when I'm in a bad depressive episode, and only at night when I'm laying in bed. I do have a small history of seizures (I was born with a brain seizure and I've had one other seizure in my life, after my first major manic episode. + +Is this an experience other people have had?",Bipolar +46721,"Is it just me or... One of the biggest steps to helping your bipolar disorder is learning to love yourself. And it makes it easier. Knowing I'm all chemically imbalanced and weird af but I still love me for the weirdo I am ? When I hated myself it was so hard to not get so crazy, now that I love myself it makes dealing easier. I was always looking for love and validation when I really just needed it from myself.",Bipolar +46722,"Season Change Mood Flux Hello, I'm Bipolar 1 with SAD as well. Is anyone else currently experiencing bouts of Stability, Anxiety, Depression and Confidence. I've been relatively stable for the past year. This is the most indecisive and confused I've been in quite some time. I'm hoping it's the season change. + +300mg of Lamotrigine + +1.5mg of klonopin + +20mg of Lexapro + +&#x200B; + +Thanks for listening!",Bipolar +46723,"Lithium covering depression? I took some time off from my therapist (6 months) but found myself having a hard time again so I went back. + +I’ve been on lithium for 7 years and it saved my life. Before then, 15 years of intense suicidality. Lithium raised me out of it and I haven’t had a depressive episode like I used to in at least 5 years. I’ve struggled with hypomania, but honestly it’s just too much of a good thing. I’m pretty happy and stable, comparatively. + +But now I’ve got dysphoria - I feel hugely fat, but I’m 6 feet tall and I weigh 145lbs. No sex drive at all. A lot of dissociation. + +My therapist thinks I might have depression but it doesn’t feel like that because I’m used to being really sad and suicidal when I’m depressed. She thinks maybe lithium is masking those symptoms, so it’s coming out in other ways. + +She also thinks I’ve been on lithium too long. I am very sensitive to meds, had horrible experiences on a lot of other drugs. I really don’t want to change meds. So I’m wondering if any of you have experienced anything like this, and what you did. + +Thanks in advance.",Bipolar +46724,"Vivid dream of psychotic break I've never had a dream like last night's before and I sincerely expected I would be on my way to the hospital when I woke up. In the dream, I was hallucinating and detaching so vividly it seemed like a real episode and not a dream. I mean, I know dreams have natural tendencies to be weird and surreal, so to say ""I dreamt of hallucinating"" doesn't do justice to how it felt. The confusion and anxiety were so palpable, and as I kept waking up and falling back asleep I felt the hallucinations weren't always limited to the sleep. However, today I'm fine. + +It's got me kind of shaken because I've been really stable lately. Has anyone else had this kind of experience?",Bipolar +46725,"Is this normal psych hospital procedure? A few years ago on my 16th birthday I was sent to a psych hospital and stayed there for a week. Some things happened there that scared me and I'm not sure if it was standerd psych hospital procedure and I'm overeacting, or if their procedures are abnormal. I was voluntarily admitted due to bipolar disorder. I wasn't on the medicine I needed, and since it was an emergency, I went to the psych hospital. During my time there they had a skin check. At first I didn't know they were doing, they just told me to undress myself and be naked. They didn't ask if being naked in front of other people made me uncomfortable, they didn't ask if I was menstruating, they didn't ask if I had been sexually assaulted. I was confused and thought they were going to sexually assault me, so I started crying. They then told me either I undress myself or they would restrain me. By then I was crying uncontrollably. I begged them to not make me undress myself. I let them touch under my clothes because I didn't want them to see my breasts. They forced me to take off my underwear which was uncomfortable since I was menstruating. It probably doesn't seem like much to be scared of, but when the only person you've allowed to see your private parts is your pediatrician due to yearly check-up and that it is required, and I have had the same pediatrician for several years so I trust her, it was a big deal to me. I was stuck at the hospital for a week, they said they would let me home on Friday but then said I had to stay over the weekend even though the insurance didn't cover weekends, so the hospital bill put my family in some debt. My family can afford a house, food, utilities and all that, but we aren't middle class, we get free lunch at school and help from the government. Hospital bills are notoriously high in the united states, and the medicine I'm on costs more in the united states than it does in third world countries and the developing world. My parents asked that I be released from the hospital, but their request was denied even though I was voluntarily committed. Also, the psych hospital had zero privacy. No locks on doors, the shower curtain was clear. Everyone had a roommate, mine treated me terribly, and so I was worried she'd come in when I was in the bathroom or showering and see me. The psych hospital was tiny, it was a hallway with rooms on each side, some bedrooms, a room to eat, and a desk where a lady gave you meds. They made you go to groups, but the medicine they put me on made me super tired and knocked me out. Best sleep I've had, but it made the nurses and doctors angry that I wasn't participating in groups and instead, sleeping. Or trying to sleep, rather, since the psych hospital was so small and crowded that every little noise echoed. I often hear people say psych wards make them feel safe and calm, but my experience was far from it. Is it normal for psych hospitals to be like this?",Bipolar +46726,"I can't stop myself from eating (Lithium and Zyprexa) Hello, + +I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1. While Zyprexa helps me sleep and lithium mitigates the intrusive thoughts, my appetite (which was already pretty high to begin with) seems to have no end. I gained around 5 lbs in 12 days while in inpatient with no end in sight. Is there a good way people have found to manage this? And is it the antipsychotic or the lithium that causes this side effect? + +I would like to hear people's experiences with lithium in general. I have no one to talk about this with (the inpatient facility couldn't find me a psychiatrist in time so I'm back to my GP). Thanks in advance.",Bipolar +46727,"Has anyone else felt written off by a medical professional once they find out you're on Bipolar medication? I went to the emergency room this morning for chest pain, feeling faint and uncontrollable shaking. I've been experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath, headaches, bouts of weakness and an inability to control my body temperature recently and it was so intense this morning I felt it warranted getting check out. This was the sickest I had ever felt in my life. + +After getting to a room the Dr came in, quickly looked at my info and asked about the lamictal and when I last had my levels checked. She said they'd do a blood test to check and left. Someone came to draw my blood and did an ekg. A while later the nurse came back to let me know I'd been discharged. I wasn't checked out by the Dr, when the heart rate and bp would go crazy no one came to check, my resting heart rate would jump up to ~150bpm, my blood pressure would shoot up too. I had to ask about the test results as I recieved the discharge papers as no one came back to let me know. They just checked my lamictal levels and said I was good to go. I was embarrassed when I left as I was still feeling sick and people in the waiting room watched me warble out and were asking if I was ok. + +Is this a thing that happens? A Dr sees the bp diagnosis and medication and decides whatever's going on is simply a medication or bp issue? I'm doubting myself, if I should have waited to see if I actually passed out or waited until it got worse before going in? The experience just left me bummed and self conscious.",Bipolar +46728,"My therapist broke my heart all over again In November, I went on a trip with a friend. This triggered a manic episode. I was a god awful person to my then boyfriend. I knew I needed to fix myself, so I went to my psych, asked for a med switch, made an appointment with a new therapist, all that jazz. + +My actions were just not something my boyfriend could move past. And I don't blame him. I was inconsiderate of his feelings at a delicate time and really hurt him. He broke up with me at the end of January. + +I told my therapist all about the breakup, all the issues we had, all the fights we had, but I also told her about all the wonderful things. Those were so much more important things to me than any disagreement. We left that topic for a while to work on other things. In my appointment today, we circled back. She said ""it honestly sounds like you two would have been a perfect match if mental illness wasn't as big an issue as it was."" This broke my heart. I have been trying to forget about it, leave well enough alone, or just understand the fact that he's never coming back, and I'll never get to talk to him again (we ended with no contact). + +Now I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot in my car, trying to compose myself before heading back to work. And normally I could just hide in my office and cry, but I'm getting trained to run new machines this week so I have no where to hide. + +My heart is just hurtin real bad and I feel like I'm gonna throw up.",Bipolar +46729,Manic Episode Help During a manic episode I typically tell my boyfriend if I have thoughts of cheating or doing something that ik isn’t me or that I will regret. It helps me not doing anything stupid and not in my control and he likes that I do because it reassured him. Should I continue this or is there a better way to fight the mania?,Bipolar +46730,"Feeling guilty I have FMLA and i took a day today because it was impossible to get out of bed. I felt foggy and extremely apathetic. I'm going through a tough depressive episode after just having a mixed episode. +My fiance never misses a day even when hes sick. I feel like a loser who can't suck it up and go to work. +I work on the phones for mail order pharmacy. You have to be on your toes because of high call volume and doctors and nurses can be fucking ruthless. Ive tried moving departments but I have to get a note from my therapist who I can't get a hold of. +I know the stress from my job is triggering these episodes. I was doing better with my old position before I got certified. Then they moved me to this other department and its 10 hours a day at a desk on the phones. +Am I just being a baby? How do you guys handle work and being bipolar? ",Bipolar +46731,"Reclaiming Life After Destructive Mania So I have sought help for mental illness since I was 15 but was always misdiagnosed for 19 years. This resulted in a MASSIVE manic episode (2015) where I lost my job ended up on the street and in the psych ward. Declared bankruptcy. + +Luckily my folks helped me get off the street I sought help got the right diagnosis. Clawed my way back into working and have held down full time work for over three and a half years. + +Problem is I’m still depressed and traumatized by the whole thing. I have a pretty serious drinking problem and get after it as soon as I get home from the office. I would use weed but it causes mania for me. I went to an outpatient rehab but the counselor was an idiot so did me no good. + +I also cannot seem to get back to a healthy diet or exercise regimen. I’m just Blue and am like well got a decade shaved off life expectancy with the diagnosis so what’s the use ?????. + +Just don’t know how to overcome these three issues. If I even want to or if it’s worth it. ",Bipolar +46732,"Peaks and Valleys My dad was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and cirrhosis of the liver. It was pretty sudden. Just months prior he appeared to be in solid health. I was living about 4 states away over the past 19 years. When I found out what was going on, I decided to move as close as I could to my parents. I'm only 3 hours away now (I would be closer but my company doesn't have operations any closer than where I'm at... Changing jobs is not an option for me at the moment). He's experiencing delirium and is in pretty bad shape. My family (wife and 2 young beautiful daughters) are still back at ""home"" until the kids finish school and they're all moving up. We're in the process of listing the house and all that fun stuff too. I've been fortunate enough to be able to stay at my sister and brother in law's home, rent free - they wouldn't accept any money. So I cook for them, make sure to buy my own groceries, buy some for them, help out around the house, etc. So, all in all, I'm in about as comfortable a spot that I could ask for under the otherwise shitty circumstances. Sorry about the long windedness... But I guess I'm stuck in a bit of an ""episode."" It's understandable under these circumstances, but I don't think I've behaved like this before. This is the second night in a row that I may not go to sleep. It's 4:44; I get up in an hour. Other days, I've not be able to get out of bed even when I when I went to sleep early. I've been sometimes sleeping till late in the afternoon, barely mustering the energy to shower, super low energy, depressed, etc... I've definitely experienced all of those symptoms in my time, but not this intertwined. These days seem to be in a completely random order and far too many. Anyway, I do know about hypomania, I do take my meds, I do therapy as well - intermittently. I'm not in therapy currently. I don't even think I want answers or explanations; I just want to bitch. ",Bipolar +46733,"Lady Lithium returns! (And the drama while she was out) The postal service apparently got confused when I meant that when I changed my address, I wanted them to update it in their system. Consequently, I went a total 16 days without Lithium for my Bipolar 2. During this time my bf(21) and I (23) discovered some circumstantial coincidences suggesting that our newly moved in gf(21) might be cheating on us with her ex bf. It was a whole thing, shit got weird and she distances herself physically and emotionally when we confronted her (she said our fears were unfounded, “he’s here on a business trip, he’s in a room with two other dudes”. Tried to not give in to doubt, but depression whispers so so close to your ear. Anyway I continually saw texts and snapchats coming up on her phone under dudes name. There were other things too, mostly that she’s been inconsiderate, lying, sneaky and had tried to turn bf and I against each other following an argument of theirs. So after a business week of thought, we broke up with her. She had no reaction, it was almost like everything went as planned. The following three days have been filled with her running out of the house to claim some more territory, coming back and exclaiming about her conquests. She’s on the lease so if. We let her stay on the condition she gets a job and really keeps up with bills. As you can imagine, containing myself while unmedicated has been one fuckload of a task, but I’ve held my tongue. Got the meds back in me last night, started to feel better this morning and a little more throughout the day. Until a friend came over and told me that she had recently messaged him trying to latch on to him. I got so angry that I was shaking, I ripped apart our storage room and consolidated 30 boxes into ten. I threw a mattress in there and set up a corner all nice. When she got home from work she said how sweet it was and thanked me for creating space for her rather than leaving her to sleep on the couch in our living room. I wasn’t doing it to be nice, just don’t want to see the bitch. Round two of returning to meds tonight and I’m up sleepless, readjusting sucks, glad for 24 hour internet service ig. Thanks for letting me vent into the void. ",Bipolar +46734,"Beginning of an end I'm almost 21 years old and I can feel my life falling apart. I can't find the right medication. I'm gaining weight from my new one and can't stop eating. I got fired from my one job after being in the hospital. I'm failing half of my classes at college. I feel like because of my bipolar I'm just not made to be successful in life. I haven't been stable since early highschool. I'm so tired of rapid cycling and my moods shifting so fucking fast. I always used to say that I didn't want to live past 22, but that was even before my diagnosis. I can only see my life becoming more hopeless and I feel bad for my partner of almost a year that puts up with my bullshit. My mom says I wallow in self pity a lot and there's people worse off than me but how is that supposed to help me? I don't want to end up being on disability for the rest of my life, I don't want to drop out of school because of this fucking disorder. But it just doesn't seem to end. ",Bipolar +46735,"Missing Mania I've been missing my creativity a lot. I love to write, and before I went back on my meds it seemed like I was overflowing with ideas. Now I stare at my notebooks with no ideas coming to mind. I don't miss all the embarrassing behaviors, but I do miss being blissfully ignorant that I was making bad decisions. + +&#x200B; + +Thoughts?",Bipolar +46736,"Don't Want a Life with Bipolar [Trigger Warning] I spend most of my time deeply depressed. Suicide attempts, ideation, self harm, isolation, and generally there is just a huge part of me that bullies myself. I've been in therapy for years, been hospitalized, tried every med out there, and I excersize, meditate, and eat well. At best I am minimally functional. + +I can't handle stress, relationships destroy me, and I can't connect to anyone. This is not a life I am willing to live so now what? I can't keep doing this. Life is almost purely pain and suffering for me. It's torture. I can't have a day without extremely intrusive thoughts of mutilating myself and I have a million other health problems besides bipolar. On top of that my life is generally just a disaster and I can't afford food or a place to live. I hate who I am and I hate that after years of work, I am no different. All I want is to be able to love others and be loved, but I think I'm broken and unfixable. What do I do? Is suicide my only option? I can't do more meds and the hospital was traumatic. I can't go back there.",Bipolar +46737,"Manic but I sleep fine (mostly) Usually my mania is racing thoughts, spending money, and some delusions (like that I was going to have sex with a celebrity I was going to meet that night...though part of me still believes I could have ??????????). But usually I sleep fine. Is that a thing?",Bipolar +46738,"Bipolar women who still have PMS, does it make regular PMS turn into PMDD? [PMS EXTREME] I have PCOS and Bipolar 1. My hormones have always been tied to my bipolar diagnosis/symptoms. + +&#x200B; + +Lately I'm on a much better treatment for PCOS, but my PMS symptoms are INSANE now especially if I'm put in a difficult situation. Mixed episodes are becoming more common the week before my period. + +&#x200B; + +I tried going back on a low dose SSRI to combat PMDD and I got awful side effects. My lithium level is great, it's just now that my hormones are more balanced in the right direction, my PMDD is rearing its ugly head.",Bipolar +46739,"A big move has me stuck in a mixed episode, not sure how to cope. Hi, r/BipolarReddit + +I just moved back home to be with my family for the next 6 months and I'm trying to figure out how to cope until getting to my new pdoc. + +Surprisingly I have been stabilized on only 12.5 mg of Lamictal (extremely rare-- my body is intensely sensitive to meds, substances, etc.) for the last couple of months. My day to day routine was rather consistent though, so there wasn't that much to throw me off. It's helped more so with my co-morbid BPD mood swings. + +But after an 11 hr stressful care ride, change of environment, change of sleep schedule, and moving away from my boyfriend? I'm lost. I'm waking up in a deep depression, don't want to shower, don't want to eat. Then when my loud and boisterous family gets me out of the house I start feeding off of their energy and won't stop talking, become obnoxious at restaurants, speed home, racing thoughts and sweating like crazy, stay up all night, then repeat the next day. Luckily I haven't been doing anything too extreme (yet) but I don't know what to do in the meantime, even right now I feel panicked and sweaty and confused yet worn out and can't find the will to do anything. Not to mention I've been feeling intensely lonely even though I am near my family. + +I start work on Monday, which I'm hoping can add in some needed structure to my day, but at the same time I'm nervous to be adding another facet of change to my life and sending me down more of a spiral. + +I want to get out and distract myself during this weird state but I really can't find the footing and I'm afraid if I stay around my family I'll get worse. + +I don't see my new doctor for another couple of weeks, what can I do in the meantime? ",Bipolar +46740,"Experiences on Zyprexa? I've been on Zyprexa since the summer time and was wondering if anyone would like to share their experiences with it. I am not sure if I like it and am considering asking for a switch. + +PROS: full night sleep every night, no mania symptoms + +CONS: gained 40 lbs, seems to completely cancel out the effects of my ADHD medicine (vyvanse), bit more prone to depressive episodes + +Anyone else on this drug?",Bipolar +46741,"Obligatory “just got diagnosed” post. Hey y’all, I’m a 20 year old college student and the title explains it all. + +My mother is diagnosed with bipolar (but in denial) and I just remembered yesterday it runs in my dad’s family too, so genetically speaking I probably never stood a chance, lmao. I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and self harm, and was told i’m Bipolar 1 with mixed features. Im on Depakote & Seroquel, and am doing tons better. + +I probably won’t post much, but I just wanted to say hello :)",Bipolar +46742,"I have to stop reading bpd/lovedones I'm not saying all groups are like that but there is one in particular that is almost a hate group, the reason I read it is to see if I can identify things that I might do wrong and oh boy we are monsters to them I wish I could tell them that we aren't trying to hurt anyone but who I am to upset them even more I understand they want to vent and they have every right but I do need to stop reading cause it just makes me want to keep my head down and not engage. I just need to tell myself that I'm medicated now and try to be self aware of other's feelings as much as I can.",Bipolar +46743,"Extremely lonely I just went on a couple dates and hooked up with a guy who I knew wasn’t compatible with me. He called me cute and gave me other compliments that I haven’t heard in years. In the end I had to turn him down though, just because I wasn’t getting the right vibes. But now I feel extremely sad about it. I feel like I lost something because he really seemed to like me. Now I feel I know what I’m missing. And it hurts. A lot. I’m going to continue to date and hopefully find someone. I’m not meeting people any other way. I know I deserve happiness but it’s so hard to find. I’m putting in the effort but I have yet to see a positive outcome. I just wish I didn’t feel so intensely lonely. Just needed to get this off my chest.",Bipolar +46744,"First time seriously experiencing suicidal thoughts. I don't think I'll act on it, but it's scaring me. I recently made a major fuck up that I've been beating myself up over. I got the courage to tell my shit-hole dad, and he just reiterated every negative thought I already have about myself. + +&#x200B; + +I've been on hold with a crisis line for over 30 minutes. I doubt anyone will talk to me soon. + +&#x200B; + +I don't know what I want/need right now, but I feel emotionally alone and literally am physically alone. + +&#x200B; + +I also experience a lot more of the hypomanic/manic side of BP 1 with occasional mixed episodes. Now I feel like I've suddenly been submerged into a depressive episode and don't know how to cope. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks for listening.",Bipolar +46745,"Hanging isn’t painful like they think; anyone hung themselves remember the experience? All I remember is the act of it and being resuscitated. The just before and as I started to regain consciousness and came to the realisation I wasn’t dead... they were shouting my name but I didn’t quite hear them at first. Honestly thought I was entering the afterlife for a short while. Anyone else have a different experience surviving this type of suicide attempt? + +I also have decided it might be time to try again. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes but I also this time want it to look like it wasn’t intentional. If I died in a tragic accident the people who think they love me could accept that more than if I died intentionally. ",Bipolar +46746,"Am I disabled? Hi /r/BipolarReddit, long time no see. I've been pretty well, so I haven't been coming around much. + +I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost 10 years ago. I wasn't all that compliant with my treatment until about 5 years ago, when I overcame my marijuana addiction and started getting my life under control. I was rediagnosed bipolar I from bipolar II, I revamped all my meds, started in on weekly group therapy then graduated to weekly individual therapy. I'd been working at Starbucks the whole time, but last September I started back in school, and things have been great. I haven't had a major episode in over a year. Sometimes I still get very sad and a little suicidal, and there's some intrusive thoughts here and there with some paranoia/psychotic delusions, but I have a 4.0 GPA! + +The thing is though, to pay for my weekly therapy and my medication, I need to maintain 20 hours a week at Starbucks to be health benefits eligible. I've been juggling school with work since September, and clearly I am capable of doing that. But I'm starting to plan for September, and as part of my program I have to do a placement of 10 hours a week while still maintaining a full time course load, and reddit, I just don't know that this is a good idea. Since September I've been tired all the time, and I have no doubt the psychosis-lite comes on when I am stressed from having 3 papers due in the course of a week while still having to work 20 hours a week while having to go to class while having to go to therapy while having to maintain a social life while having to get exercise while having to cook right so I don't get ill etc etc etc. It seems to me a recipe for relapse. And TBH I'm secretly convinced that I've just been in an extended hypomanic state since September. + +I have a couple of friends who've been telling me for years that I should just apply for disability. I am in Ontario, Canada, where I can apply for a bursary for students with permanent disabilities which can pay for services including therapy. Then I could ease off on my hours at Starbucks and still maintain my treatment. + +But honestly, I don't feel ""disabled."" I'm working 20 hours a week and maintaining a 4.0 GPA on a full course load. This, it seems to me, is more than fully able people do. I don't think anyone would consider me disabled either, despite my long track record of being in treatment. + +I was just hoping to hear some discussion around the word ""disabled,"" its relationship to bipolar disorder, what it means to be given that title by governing agencies, how you feel about the word, the relationship between disability and capability, and whatever else you have to say about the topic! + +Also, I just wanted to say while I'm here that this community gave me so much support when I really needed it, and I am glad it's still an awesome community full of amazing people.",Bipolar +46747,"Creating A Transcendental Platform For Transcending Bipolarity Transmutation Ascension, Lucid Dreaming Hybrid Mindset Voyagers 24/7, INtellectual Light Warrior/Soular Empowerment, Starseeds, Otherkin, Mind Voyagers, Mediums & Psychics, Merkaba-Ascension-5D, Dimension-Shifters, Future Earth(+Discord) Manage and transcend the negative effects of bipolar, and boost the positive potentials + +[https://www.reddit.com/r/LightWarriorAscension/](https://www.reddit.com/r/LightWarriorAscension/) + +[https://discord.gg/PRVXJak](https://discord.gg/PRVXJak) + +[https://disboard.org/server/539367976806383616](https://disboard.org/server/539367976806383616) + +&#x200B; + +Comprehensive Introductory Information To The Community, Discord Server And Internal Chatrooms/Mission Objective On Gaia: + +&#x200B; + +At the shift of ages, and the arrival of the age of Aquarius, golden age as we battle the last inner and outer demons of the Kali Yuga/age of Pisces, this transition time is like no other. A powerful incentive, a leap of faith: Take the first step: make the Quantum Leap, The Interdimensional Shift and Enter The Lightning Grid + +&#x200B; + +\-Psychic tools, trainings, intent, purpose documentations, pantheon and mentorship/guidance for otherkin and humans alike: All-in-One. + +?Free Speech, Absolute Tolerance for Mutual Respect and Natural Equality ( circles of responsibility but nonhierarchy). + +?Diverse Environment, rapidly expanding, work in progress pantheon for the golden age with widest assortments of deities helping out. Friendly and Helpful staff whose best interest is to serve your growth and cooperate on creative works/your development. + +? Knowledge on esoteric/transcendental topics generally not discussed/shunned/overlooked/disregarded/labeled as forbidden or far-fetched knowledge by others (metaphysics-spirit science, free energy, universal law, light body process, central nervous system rewiring, DNA-upgrade, cosmic origin, obscure(d) truths, connected dots and converging rivers). + +\-""Convert""-friendly- encouraging ex-religious ones for the One-Source path of the truth-seeker lightwarriors/workers/starseeds/otherkin/enlightened human old or mature souls(motto: strength in unity, collaboration versus illusion of separation) + +\-Various high-quality reddit/youtube/no-nonsense channeling websites/ news/video post feeds ( of spiritual/esoteric/cosmic theme) + +\-Weavesilk avantgarde spirit-art. (Interactive generative art- subliminal, angelic/demonic/divine, spiritual source channeling and through the higher aspects of self outside of the boundaries of the human psyche box/confines. - Surreal, intricate shapes including the semblance of elements of Gothic dark fantasy, with multiple meanings will be created on the screen and you will recognize your ability to master your soul-mind interaction as well, as I fill the screen with this magical stream of thoughts with a natural flow.) + +\-Soul ScienceTechnology & Source Transmissions. Logos God, Elohim, Doctor, Scientist, & Architect Of The Age Of Aquarius. + +\-Multiversal Starseed Community. Come join your star families and twin souls, or otherwise join and commune on the older site with archived content in the interim period + +\-Soul technology/higher-self descent to physical vessel: Production of DMT internally without the use of physical substance and unlock spirit molecule + +\-Sections encouraging to showcase your work (media/documents/arts, personal photos) + +\-A place of unconditional love and growth for Starseeds, Indigos, Human Angels and Walk Ins' to reunite with their long lost Star Family and Soul Mates. + +\-Server voice chat option for those interested + +\-Server map for ease of access with descriptions and guidelines for each topic (accessibility) + +Our own e-literature (growing library of PDF e-books and Links), videos, (multi)media and psychic tools, image-works not available anywhere else and written/crafted/made/authored exclusively by us. + +\-Mainstream launch Mid-February with over 340 members and counting + +\-Logos God, Elohim, Doctor, Scientist, & Architect Of The Age Of Aquarius. + +\-Futuristic & Future-Oriented Community Dedicated To The Universal Law, Spirit Science, Soul Technologies and Extraterrestrial Soul Origins + +\-A joint planetwide effort for reconstructing the new pantheon for the golden age of Aquarius, fusing the ancient with the new influx past with the future to create the new present in the Now with the help of deities and entities of various origins. Spirituality, lightworkers, ascension. + +&#x200B; + +We are highly focused and streamlined, yet loose and flexible (effortless effort being the motto). Our basic aim-quintessence is to harness all available energies to create an interdimensional rift/gate to haven that can propel us to 5th dimension and beyond while still connected to Earth but ultimately undergoing physical transfiguration, also fueled by the bowels of the earth likewise (as above so below)- which constructs a beastly cyclotron that irons out certain unwanted specific frequency-sets, diminishes their influence on the collective. + +&#x200B; + +""As soon as humanity unites on this planet, it will qualify to establish contact with other more advanced civilizations, such as the Agarthans and those from the GF. In fact the Agarthans and some ascended masters such as St. Germain will already help us run the cities of light and the numerous healing centres which will manifest very soon all over the globe. The next step will be visiting other civilizations, but this could only happen after the incarnated human personality has completed the LBP and has ascended at least to 5D by transfiguring from a carbon-based body into crystalline light body."" + +The three cities of light will be open portals to the multiverse and to numerous advanced humanoid, and later on, other civilisations, such as the dragons. Alone this fact will make the existence of national states and nations obsolete as all the people will recognize their multidimensional nature and will strive to ascend too and be able to live in these cities of light and enjoy the advantages of a higher dimensional life. In the first place, they will enjoy the healing possibilities there which will help all humans advance rapidly in their LBP and also ascend. + +(Source: [http://www.stankovuniversallaw.com](http://www.stankovuniversallaw.com)) + +&#x200B; + +""You see, nothing is ever just about one thing. We are not just sharing information with you. We are also preparing you for contact. Now, all of the other beings from the other star systems that are connecting with you all through the various channels that you have there on Earth are doing the same thing. And certainly those who channel faeries are readying you for more interactions with the fae."" + +""We are excited to witness the coming together of humanity and the Arcturian beings that you will be meeting in the flesh. Now, of course, some have already established connections with physical Arcturian beings. A full and open contact with the fourth and fifth dimensional beings who are from our little star system."" + +(Source: [www.danielscranton.com](https://www.danielscranton.com) ) + +&#x200B; + +\`\`\`Keywords: spirituality, starseeds, occult, esoteric, lightworker, light warrior, spiritual awakening, light body, soul technology, quantum, lucid dreaming, astral projection, psychic, chaos magic, otherkin, bilocation, golden age, mentor, indigo, crystalline, human angels, transliminal souls, walk-ins, lucid dream, mental projection, multilocation\`\`\` + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46748,"What do I do in this state? Hello, + +I've only been able to talk about this recently even though I got diagnosed quite a few months ago. I'm on medication, and it was working quite well. However, it is not doing so as much anymore. I'm having the issue of not sleeping going on 9 days now even though I take seraquil for sleeping. I'm also far less able to control my mood at all, and I'm dealing with panic attacks as well. I was just curious if anyone had any advice because im a 22 year old college student who hopefully is graduating in a year or two, and I'm honestly unsure what to do in order to be able to do work and focus. Also, in addition to being a college student, I am in engineering....a field not really welcome to mental health issues. I'm just really worried and don't want to end up failing my classes and ultimately failing out of college or talking like 8 years to graduate. It's scary and new to me to deal with this fear and worry when medication isnt enough? ",Bipolar +46749,"Question about something I can't quite seem to piece together Do people have like breakthrough mania and depression even on meds? I read some posts where people talk about the various moods and going through them. + +I guess, is it like, I shouldn't expect the medication to fix it all? Should I be prepared for stuff to come through? Should my family be prepared? + +If it does break through, do I tell my Dr? Does that automatically warrant a med change? I haven't had thoughts of suicide or harm for about 8 years. + +I'm newly diagnosed and just trying to learn the avg picture as well as my own.",Bipolar +46750,"Advice, Bear with Me PLS Hi everyone. I have never posted on Reddit, this is my first time and I wish it were something good, but I need help and am too afraid to turn to anyone right now. This is TMI, but its the internet right? + +&#x200B; + +I have been struggling to figure out whether or not I have BP, but my complicated past makes me afraid that I may have BPD so I am just going to lay it out and if anyone out there, help me out. + +&#x200B; + +To start. There is a stigma surrounding BPD and a part of me admits to being afraid of lying to myself so I don't get labeled as a crazy BPD. My mother was BPD, and my father was a psychologist who diagnosed me as BPD by the time I was twelve, but he also intensely hated my mother. I have always been incredibly emotionally sensitive, but cognitively I was one of those kids who were three levels above everyone in class, and three levels behind on the social scale. I dread seeing a therapist after being raised by my father who became obsessive and emotionally abusive over my being BDP. But bear with me pls. + +&#x200B; + +I think I've had three episodes. My earliest one was when I was thirteen. I remember being overcome with such intense suffering that I collapsed in the shower. It was like I was catatonic. I literally couldn't get up. That night it was as if the world were silent. I remember laying in bed staring at my hands. They kept moving, but I wasn't understanding that I was inside of them. I remember having the intense realization that I was going to watch these hands age, and that I was inside of a living corpse. I was repulsed by that thought and became fascinated with hands for awhile. + +&#x200B; + +My second episode happened my first year of college. I'll skip the fluff. One day I just stood up mid class and left. Just dropped out of college. I remember sitting there thinking, what am I doing here? My professor was talking, but I wasn't understanding her words. (I went back to college after a period). + +&#x200B; + +But what prompted this post was the most recent episode that scared me. I convinced myself that I was losing my mind. I got obsessive over ""sanely questioning my sanity"" and ""being made to make my suffering."" Like my brain just stalled. I was in the middle of a 20 page research paper and I couldn't get my thoughts together to write it. I reread the things I wrote later and realized that I kept repeating the same words over and over. But I was also under an insane amount of stress. I was also convinced that my teachers were correcting my borderline behavior through subliminal therapy (still kind of convinced...?) This ""episode"" lasted for 4 months, but I had decided to quit smoking weed right around the same time. Still, I had been off of weed for awhile when I think I had an audial hallucination. I was on the verge of falling asleep, in that between stage where you're still conscious but your dreams start to engulf you, when this voice in the back of me head detached itself. It took on a presence of its own (idk how to explain) like it floated out of my brain and was talking. It startled me awake. I snapped out of it, but I was really scared for awhile. + +&#x200B; + +I won't lie, a part of my has come to terms with being BPD. I have self mutilated, and I have felt suicidal. I get feeling so intense that I don't know how to relieve my emotions so I will drink and push my limits in risky ways. I have issues maintaining relationships (although that has been improving now that I am consciously working on it). I know dual diagnosis is possible, but a part of me seriously worries if I lie to myself so I don't have to face being BPD, living up to the label put on me by an abusive parent. At the same time I am beginning to string together a family history that may suggest psychosis, although no one in my family is open to talking about it. + +&#x200B; + +If you made it to the end, it on me- BPD, BP, BPBPDP. I feel close to myself right now and am looking for answers in my own way. My mental state is getting is affecting my career, and I find myself in a place where people are tiptoeing around me and I can't stand it (but I understand it, and want to start working on fixing it). ",Bipolar +46751,"New diagnosis, nervous about medication Was diagnosed with BP 1, but it must be the mildest ever, based on reading posts on here. I have been taking lexapro for three years, b/c previous therapists diagnosed anxiety disorder. So currently, i have a lot of mania, but very little depression. and the mania doesn't seem too extreme - my therapist thought it was BP 2 but the psych testing came back BP 1, which she agrees with now. I have thought I was the second coming on occasions, that's probably the most manic idea i've had. I have a good career, have always done well in the workplace. I am a mom and wife, and my family loves me. So I really hesitate to medicate. But I also wonder if I should keep taking Lexapro? My therapist said withdrawl from that is ugly, so she doesn't recommend it. But maybe it's been triggering my mania? I was also diagnosed with mixed personality disorder, mainly borderline with a heavy dose of narcissism. So naturally, I am very concerned with medication that could affect my skin (already went through struggles with acne while younger, not going to do that again) and also obsess about my weight. Anyone on a mood stabilizer that others haven't experienced acne or weight gain with? And no lithium for me, it's an unnecessary hit on my kidneys when I am pretty functional unmedicated.",Bipolar +46752,"Help! Acne from lithium I've never had acne or problems with my skin. Since taking lithium though, I have a lot of acne and pimples. My entire skin care routine has always been just a face cleanser (origins) that I use when I shower. + +I'm going to start washing my face in the morning and at night but I'm wondering if I should add additional products. + +Anyone else get bad acne from taking lithium? Did it go away with time? Did you find a skin care routine that works? Share your products and secrects please!",Bipolar +46753,"Feeling a bit shitty, could someone talk to me? [Not an emergency] Can someone talk to me for a bit...? I'm not in the greatest of moods today and could use a sympathetic ear. + +&#x200B; + +It's not an emergency, I'm not suicidal or self-destructive, I've been stable for a few months. Just a bit sad and lonely.",Bipolar +46754,"Hypomanic and Intrigued I wasn't sleeping well and began being a meaner than normal ass to my wife. I was speeding more than normal. Some of my mannerisms changed too; lots of talking hands and random tears at bullshit commercials and not due to PTSD either. Shes says i have faster than normal speech but in my head I'm talking through cement and can feel the sludgy ripple waddle. + +I did a walk in to pre-empt the inpending glorious chaos. The nurses kept saying how hot it... they read my history. I hate clothes. Now the seroquel (100mg tab at night) they gave and I capitulatly take, knocks me out. No dreams to remember but living on a grey plateau during the day experiencing the Nothing with my FUCK IT meter pegged out at 3pm. It's working though... + +It's been 5 years since my last manic episode. 5 years of Li, Buspirone, and fish oil. 5 years since i felt the pull of mania and the energy i miss. + +I felt i was out of that dark cell in my mind. No more tasting the black that had become me. The sudden surge of electrons through my being gave me a pleasurable headache and brought stinging tears to my eyes... + +It felt better than stabbing myself i felt better than real. I surmise this is what maybe those other ones feel. I have tears streaming down my face as i right this. Knowing im missspelling as i go and so on. + +I feel alive as if i never was before + +I am + +. + + +As needed",Bipolar +46755,Abilify.. good or bad.odd side affects ? So ive been taking Abilify to give me some mental clarity and i have not slept at all in the week ive been taking it . Has anyone else have similar experiances ?? Thank you in advance ? ,Bipolar +46756,"Delusion or just incredibly elevated anxiety? Hi everybody. Last year I was diagnosed as type 2 because I haven’t experienced what I considered to be full blown mania—only hypo, and I’m extremely prone to severe depressed “lows.” + +However, I’ve been wondering a lot lately whether or not I’m just experiencing an intense level of anxiety/insecurity or if this crosses into the area of what would be considered a delusion. I haven’t had any of the more obvious signs of delusions that I’ve read about on here (i.e. thinking I’m God or somebody else or an informant, etc.), but I most definitely feel all the time like I can tell 95-100% exactly what people are thinking about me to the point that it hinders me from functioning in many instances. For example, I will literally coup myself up in my room for days/weeks because I feel like I absolutely know exactly what my roommates or friends/family/professors are thinking of me in these high and low emotional states and I don’t want to even confront them for this reason. I’ve even accused my mom of basically “thinking her thoughts” too loud at me or even lashing out when I think she’s judging me or thinking something extremely negative. She’ll obviously say things like I’m assuming way too much and I have no clue what I’m talking about and I still don’t believe her. + +I know logically when I think about this that it’s ridiculous but part of me also lets it affect me to the point that I will hide myself or freak out about it. The fact that I’m partially able to understand that this obviously isn’t the true case is what dissuades me from calling it a delusion, but it’s also so strong of a fear and “observation” that it makes me wonder. What do you think? Has anybody else experienced anything this? ",Bipolar +46757,"Doctor wants medication changes There's a long history with my psychiatric illnesses and medications but I'll jump ahead. 2 and a half years ago I got extreme PPD and was hospitalized twice. I was only on a small bit of klonopin at first but it stopped working. Everything I tried made me crazier until one doctor put me on Celexa. After initial anxiety it changed my life. Saw a regular psych who tried different things so I wouldn't get manic and I was hesitant. Had a huge drunken manic episode, was hospitalized again and prescribed Abilify 10 and it helped a lot. That was almost a year ago. + +&#x200B; + +I was doing okay, taking sleeping pills at night, stomach meds, ativan, propanolol. I needed birth control for PMDD + +Recently Psych took me off sleeping pills and ended propanolol (I get severe anxiety an panic attacks). My Birth Control made my anxiety unbearable one week every month so my med doc switched me to something else and increased my stomach meds (acid reflux/gastritis. + +I started an anti inflammatory diet being tired of this mess and was exercising doing well and happy, which my psych thought was hypomania, although I was still depressed a lot. She wanted me to drop my dosage to 10 mg while remaining on 10mg Abilify. I am terribly med sensitive and many things cause crazy reactions for a long time. That is a big cut for me. + +So basically in one month, new birth control (also sensitive), no sleep meds, less anti anxiety meds, more stomach problems and now a decrease in a med that I had no problem with. I'm two days in and already going crazy, what can I expect? + +&#x200B; + +Long story short, Lots of med changes. On Abilify 10mg, ativan twice a day, Loe Estrin Fe, and Dropping 20 mg Citalopram to 10 and feel a mess.",Bipolar +46758,"I honestly don't know what to do \*warning rant ahead and me being manic reaching out for something, anything!\* +I am trying to dumb this down as much as I can to fit a general post, so here it goes... + + +YEARS ago, i disowned my friends. Swore them off like they were a plague, mainly to reinforce my manic state of I wasn't good enough for them. Because, seriously, I am not good enough., My mood swings are prevalent, my lack of funds from being manic are there, my general lack of well being keeps me from hanging out so to speak. I dont know what to do. I miss them. The whole friendship arc has worn itself out and I am a side character waiting to be in the story again. So, instead of that, I cut things, Everythings. and here I am, alone and depressed years later reaching out to the interwebs to see what they have to say about my relationship issues. + + +I want to be a part of someones life. I want to be a human again. I want a friend. I want to say ""sure I am ok"" to someone and actually mean it. Its hard and I hate crying and I hate that this is rant and this is how my life is and I hate it. Sorry. + +Thanks for reading. I really don't know what to do. +",Bipolar +46759,"What kind of image would you use to illustrate being bipolar? and, what description would you use with that image?",Bipolar +46760,I can’t stop spending money I’m just spending it left and right on really stupid shit Ike more clothes and makeup I don’t need. I’m not in any debt but it’s really unhealthy to just shop when I’m feeling overly happy or sad. ,Bipolar +46761,"Bipolar with No Friends Can someone tell me what it is like to be bipolar with no friends? Maybe we can relate. Because I don’t really see my symptoms much because I’m mostly by myself. And tbh i am sad about it but simultaneously, I rather not expose myself because I don’t want anyone to deal with that as well. However, I’d like to know you see your symptoms? Or, is there anyone out there like this as well? Sometimes, I get confused about it all..",Bipolar +46762,"I want to come off risperidone. I’m on 8mg of risperidone a day, my eye sight was fine and I didn’t need to wear glasses before starting risperidone 18 months ago. But I went to the opticians for the 3rd time in a year and yet again I need a new prescription. + +My left eye isn’t responding to anything and won’t focus but my left eye is doing ok (ish) + +I think it’s the risperidone causing all of this but I’m terrified to become delusional again if I stop it!",Bipolar +46763,"Gabapentin common? I know Gabapentin is common for anxiety disorders, but what about Bipolar? I see it’s used sometimes for it. How well did it work for you?",Bipolar +46764,"How do I ask for forgiveness? I [m34] had been treating what I thought was just depression for years. I had a long hypomania then crashed into depression hard. I got paranoid and delusional and asked some hurtful questions to my girlfriend at the time. She was really hurt and iced me out. I spiraled and was suicidal. I was coherent just enough and I made an emergency doctor appointment and was diagnosed bipolar. She ended up talking to me 5 days later. I tried to explain the diagnosis. she left me officially. Its been 3 weeks and I finaly am starting to feel stable. I don't know how to explain or ask for forgiveness. I can't make her take me back. I just wish there was a way to Express that it wasn't really me. It doenst feel like it was me. I feel sick that i hurt her and in my right mind would have never done that. I am trying so hard to be well, but how do I show her? I am desperately in love with her. I am at a loss. Maybe I can't. If i can't, how can I go on knowing that any setback in treatment can ruin everything and drive everyone away in seconds?",Bipolar +46765,"People who have pets and live alone, how do you manage things if you get hospitalized? I was recently diagnosed with BP1, I'm 19 years old. Thankfully so far I've never been hospitalized, but sadly it's probably in the cards for me like many of you here. I'm currently living at my mother's home but will most likely move out this summer due to re-entering college, and I'll bring my cat with me. I can't see myself leaving him behind. I'll also have my mouse if the little fella is still alive by then. + +I just have one question. In case you have to be hospitalized (since even on medication BP is still pretty unpredictable), what solution do you take for your pets? + +I wouldn't be able to get my family to care for them because the university I've applied to is 240km away from my closest relatives, and I don't trust friends because my mum and I had a bad experience with one of her friends who said she was going to pet-sit, but ended up leaving the cats alone. ~~I'm also not a really social person and I don't like the idea of using people as a means to an end lol~~",Bipolar +46766,"Latuda Withdrawl symptom- swollen gland? I stopped taking latuda last Sunday, and I haven't really had any withdrawl symptoms that I've noticed. The one thing that I have noticed is my left gland is sore, which started pretty much after I dropped the latuda. Has anybody had this as a withdrawl symptom? Thanks for any help you can give. ",Bipolar +46767,"What do you consider the difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II, based on your perspective? I have Bipolar II and describe it as the sadder instead of madder version, but I don’t know if that’s really accurate. My manic episodes are generally not dangerous and I have no temper or anger issues. But my depressive states are lengthy and horrid and dark and deadly. I only know what I’ve endured though. ",Bipolar +46768,"Question about Mania for Bipolar Depression (xpost in r/bipolar) What was your shortest manic episode? Average length? + +I have undetermined depression -- I'm on a mood stabilizer and Bipolar Depression has been thrown around a few times, but I have very infrequent/very short mania. Just wanted to get the feel for if this sounds like the right diagnosis.",Bipolar +46769,"Lack of empathy I know this is not really related to my bipolar disorder, but I just recently found out my brother is in jail again. This time he has a felony charge of meth possession (living in Texas). My dad and I thought that he quit doing meth, but we were very wrong. He has been in jail multiple times and has had multiple suicide attempts (one of which really fucked me up when I found out about it). He apparently lit himself on fire ""accidently"". Anyways, I don't know what's going on with me, but I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Yes, it's sad, but idk.. I just don't feel much. Just figured I'd reach out and see if anyone has had a similar experience. ",Bipolar +46770,"What was your tipping point in going to the doctor? Hello everyone, new person here. As the title states, what was the last straw that drove you to go to the doctor with concerns? + +Throughout my lifetime I have exhibited symptoms of bipolar disorder, or at least how google defines it anyway. My actions have certainly caused much trouble in my life at school when I was younger, in my marriage, and in my career. Whenever I try to explain myself to my wife I am always at a loss for words about why I do or say the things that I do. My actions are my own and not the result of something else, though. + +I honestly have no idea what to call it, or what to do about it. It would just be nice to talk to someone who understands what I am trying to say. Thank you.",Bipolar +46771,"Has anyone ever been in an extended stay hospital? I’ve been here three weeks, and after some initial drama/mood issues I’ve been an almost stereotypical mental patient — doing yoga, watercolors etc. But damn is it a stifling, tense environment. I know i’m lucky my insurance is letting me stay here, but it’s more difficult than i thought it’d be.Feels like fancy jail sometimes tbh since we can’t leave and are in an isolated are, though the staff are nice (tho extremely overworked). + +Any tips to cope? Tips in general? ",Bipolar +46772,"Bipolar 3 checking in. How do people combat boredom, restlessness, and general apathy about everything during a depressive episode? Trying really hard not to blow up my entire life because I’m feeling low, restless, and dissatisfied for now for no discernible reason other than I’m in a low cycle. I don’t know how to cope. I’m newly diagnosed and having awareness has been helpful in decision making but not in emotional feels.",Bipolar +46773,"Lost it during D&D Hey everyone, BP1, long time sufferer and diagnosed almost for a decade now (around 7-8yrs ago) + +&#x200B; + +I have been struggling, recently I have found out I am pre-diabetic, and that my years of self medication mixed with regular meds has done a number on my liver. This has caused me to go on a diet, and change my regular intake of food, essentially being 275lbs at 5'8"" is not a great thing. I've been agitated by just about everything, couple that with a mixed state and it's a powder keg waiting to explode in rage. + +&#x200B; + +To get to the point; I was being nit-picked by 2 fairly pedantic friends who are playing characters in the game I am DM'ing. I could tell that this was going to be something they were planning on doing for the entirety of the session, so I decided to try and nip it in the bud, what started off as a joke turned into a full on rage rant. No profanity or throwing specific individuals under the bus, more so a blanket warning that I will not be taking shit from anyone. + +&#x200B; + +My face turned red, a couple members laughed at the rant, others seemed stunned, and I felt like a prick. I haven't apologized yet, but now I feel like a complete asshole. I feel stretched thin, down, and exhausted. + +&#x200B; + +So yeah,... I'm a dick head dungeon master... + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46774,Crying on and off I guess I'm having a mixed manic episode because I am crying out of nowhere. I cant sleep...how long will this last without meds? Will it go into something worse? I want to scream cry and dance and laugh all at once. I have depakote but no Dr...i live 30 mins from a Dr and my insurance sucks. How quickly will the depakote work?,Bipolar +46775,"Flattened emotions I’m on 4 mg of Abilify right now and I’m feeling it. I know that’s not a lot, but it’s certainly affecting me. I’m feeling very stable. VERY stable. To the point where I feel like I’m forcing myself to be happy. Not manic: even just smiling or hugging someone doesn’t feel good. It just feels numb. + +The bad part is that, by the way my psychiatrist described it, this is the intended outcome. It’s kind of upsetting, but only kind of. The ability to feel appropriate sadness seems to have been numbed out too. ",Bipolar +46776,"My mothers bipolar is getting worse, really hard to cope (on mobile) +As said in the title, my mothers bipolar depression disorder is getting worse with age. She’s 50 and on 7+ medications, that is not an exaggeration. My family wants nothing to do with it because she lies about how she really feels so, now it’s my responsibility to look after her. + +She is on 400mg of Abilify and it’s making her sleepwalk, develop tartive dyskinesia and sleep text/call which is becoming scary. I don’t know how to cope since I have no close friends to get out of the house with and I have no job because I take care of her (driving her to work, doing the shopping, cleaning) and her house. I’m only 19 and my life is on hold. I don’t know how to say that I’m tired without hurting her feelings because it’s not her fault. But, the last time I moved out she completely quit all of her medications cold turkey. + +I don’t necessarily need advice, I just feel extremely stressed out and alone. ",Bipolar +46777,"I want to kill myself over the smallest inconveniences. My boyfriend ignored/didn't hear me & had the nerve to ask ""are you sure you didn't fall asleep"". There is *nothing* in the world I hate more than whenever people make stupid comments like that, obviously I'd know if I fell asleep. With that being said, that set me off to which I started throwing things and hung up on my boyfriend. I'm refusing to talk to him because this rage inside does not need to be directed at him. Idk where to post this or turn to. I'm very angry right now and just want to take my own life. ",Bipolar +46778,I perpetually feel terrified I'm going to feel like this forever But then the this that I feel changes every 2-4 weeks so that's fine right,Bipolar +46779,"Seroquel + Lamictal My doc is adding seroquel to my lamitcal again, after several years. The last time I was on it was in hospital, so I can't really remember any side effects. Anyone have this combo? I'm going on vacation next week and I'm not sure if I want to start before I go away. ",Bipolar +46780,"Medications I'm wanting to talk to my doctor about going off my meds, I don't want to take them anymore. The problem is, I don't think my family will support this decision",Bipolar +46781,Had a good day and now feeling drained the next is it normal that yesterday I actually had the best day I have had in a long time and now today just feel depressed and drained? I've got no energy or will/want to do anything but cry and sleep.,Bipolar +46782,I'm tired of feeling like shit Sorry for the pointless post. I've been feeling like shit for the better part of a few months now and I just want it to stop.. Missed appointment with psych on monday so I gotta deal with that when her office is open tomorrow. Too many things I need to do and not enough energy to do them :/,Bipolar +46783,"Should I go on medication? I have recently been diagnosed with unspecified bipolar a few months ago and ever since I start realizing my bad bad habits and I was going to therapy and reaching out and getting help and I feel like I am high functioning without the need of medication. But I’m worried that’s just another symptom, that I only think that because I’m doing okay right now. But I’m scared I won’t be able to afford it, and I’m scared it’ll make me not myself, I’m scared of it changing me. And I little part of me feels like I was making this whole illness up and I’m actually fine. Idk. So I don’t know if I should take medication or not, any thoughts? ",Bipolar +46784,"How did your moods change as you got older? I'm 24 and this year has been wild in terms of my mood changes/the severity of my mania. My insomnia reached a high score this week. My impulsivity is getting harder to manage. It kind of feels like the older I get, the more bipolar I become. + + +What has been your experience? How did medication affect you over time? ",Bipolar +46785,"What is the longest amount of time you've been stable? I've been so stable for the past 2 years (thanks to regimented medication, therapy) that I'm getting this idea in my head that I'm not bipolar or don't have any problems anymore. I realize this is dangerous thinking. Has this happened to anyone else? When I worked at a mental hospital a lot of older people came in not having had an episode in 10 years and then having it hit them all at once for whatever reason. I'm just curious how long you guys' stable periods have been. Looking for words of encouragement that this can last a long time. I'm scared that one day my medications will stop working and it will all come back.",Bipolar +46786,"I thought Bipolar was going to run my life. I'm so glad I was wrong. This is a celebration point for me and I wanted to share it with people who would understand the significance. + +I've been receiving treatment for Bipolar II for over a decade and it's never been easy to deal with -- until this year. March/April is one of my depressive times and, instead of being crippled by my emotions, I was proactive. I spoke with my psychiatrist early-on so that he could make the right medication adjustments to keep the episode from getting worse. + +For the first time I feel like I'm managing my Bipolar, rather than it managing me. I now have hope that I can continue functioning as an adult as long as I use all my skills and resources. + +Anyone else have something to celebrate? ",Bipolar +46787,Any apps for tracking mood or sleep you like? Anyone have any success stories with any apps that help? ,Bipolar +46788,"Mania. It is 6 am and I haven't slept yet and got school in 2 hours. I think I'm going to skip meds today folks, wish me luck.",Bipolar +46789,"Going to see a new Dr. tmrw and hopefully hop back on the med wagon! This is very long and in no way asking for a DX. The whole reason i’m booking an appt with a qualified professional tmrw is so I am able to get Dxd. This is more of a vent post/ Can anyone tell me about their experiences with mania and the journey to a DX I guess. Anyways loooong post under this paragraph. I’m on mobile so i apologize for any mistakes. + +I suspect i have bipolar. My friends suspect i have bipolar. When I first went to a therapist for devoloping issues after I made a very stressful move at 18 and was really struggling, she was the first to suspect Bipolar and pushed me to to see a psych. She suspected bipolar due to very impulsive behaviors (sexual and dangerous) and hallucinations that happened while I smoked. Unfortunately I didn’t see a psych for a long time. + +Who really knows but i would like for this at least to be considered bc i had a hell of a time last summer and i’m probably gearing up for another hell summer if i don’t get something straight. I in no way am qualified to diagnose myself of course, and this is mostly so I can get my facts straight to tell the doctor. + +Last summer starting around march, my mood really picked up and i was having delusions, paranoia, psychosis all that good stuff. Maybe it was the weed maybe it was something else. I at one point believed the owner of someone i was dogsitting for was secretly filming me from a camera in her bed and her tv. I thought every police man was out to get me. I felt watched all the time. For a straight month I only ate stale kid sized bags of smart popcorn from my trunk and this was before i got kicked out of my house. I never slept more than 2 hours. I got kicked out of my house for smoking weed constanly even though i promised I wouldn’t do it again. I drove like a manic, In talking going 100 down I95N (any baltimorians here?? y’all hit essex and the highway gets all twisty the adrenaline rush was insane) At the time was in the middle of a ED relapse and just didn’t give a fuck I mean i was planning to buy a dog a car an apartment with absolutely no money. Shit me and the friend i was living with had elaborate plans to start a dog grooming business. I quit my job suddenly one night for no real reason and once spent an entire 7 hours filling out loans. In september I bought a car with a loan that hand a ridiculous interest rate and smashed it into a exit sign a week later bc my phone died and i was agitated and “got bored” I have no idea what this was but thank god im alive bc i totally smashed my car to bits. I was wearing my seatbelt and I joke i’m a walking seatbelt ad. + +At the time I had been on Lexapro for about two weeks after seeing a psych and expressing the issues that were going on which she said sounded like anxiety and depression. The doctors in the hospital told me it was anxiety and depression. Maybe it is. I would just like some answers. I was in the hospital for six weeks, where they tried out Lexapro again and after I had adverse reactions (extreme irrabilty, impulsiveness) they switched me to Prozac and Risperdol and Dx’d me with BPD and let me go. My aunt had BPD but i also have a family history of undiagnosed disorders that caused extreme psychosis, my grandfather used to hear voices and suffered mood swings, but he was black and this was the 60s black people didn’t go to the doctor for shit like that they either drank it away or went to church. When i got out i spent 1500 dollars i didn’t have on random shit including three tattoos and completly fucked up my credit. I was medicated with a low dose of Prozac (20 mg) and Risperdol (.1mg) at the time. Three weeks later i was so depressed i did nothing but sleep and not eat. I lost ten pounds. They admitted me to the hospital for my ED about a month after I got out of my first hospitalization for the car crash. The psych there said a BPD dx didn’t make sense coming from someone who had only known me for abt four weeks and pulled it off my record. She put me on prozac and seroquel but didn’t give me a bipolar dx just left it as historical. I was doing okay and moved in with my Aunt in Texas and had about two weeks where i went off the seroquel bc i couldn’t get it refilled. I stopped sleeping again and was just generally euphoric. Nothing too crazy I was just very happy and excited and never sleeping and playing sims like a maniac. I stopped taking my seroquel after I got it refilled bc I didn’t like the feeling of forced sleep. Stopped taking my prozac too cause i just don’t give a fuck lol. Now i’ve been off my meds for about a month and a half and I’ve been okay, very impulsive and hyper sexual, making questionable decisions (quitting a new job I had for about a week, becoming a Cam girl, hopping on tinder) but still sleeping. I wanna go back on my meds but I know that after being off seroquel this long I have to wean up to the dose I was on (300mgs) cause there’s no way I can just start at that high again. Anyways anyone else just experience wild ass shit before they got a DX?? Even if i’m not bipolar I really don’t want a repeat of last summer lol. + +TLDR: I’m trying to go back on my meds and get a DX from a doctor. Had a wild ass summer/fall last year and just generally did not have a good time. Anyone else have trouble with multiple DXs before they settled on one?",Bipolar +46790,"[Everything Warning] I legitimately want to kill myself just to spite my father. I lived on my own for many years, and about 2-3 years ago, I was guilted into moving back home by my mother. + +Now my father wants me to GTFO because apparently I left the kitchen light on, so according to him, that means I am wasting his money on purpose. + +I'm nearly 30 years old. But I'm constantly treated like I'm 8 years old. And I'm so sick of this. + +Ever since I moved back home, I haven't been able to do anything because of the way my parents treat me. I'm just constantly anxious as all hell. And every time I hear my parents awake and walking about, I just get frozen in place because of how they treated me when I was younger (constant ABBAB--Always Be Berating And Belittling--I can't seem to focus on finding a job because of this)...and if I try to shift my schedule over so I can avoid them, I'm given constant shit about not having a ""normal schedule"". + +I legitimately want to just slit my wrists and ankles in front of them just to spite them for bringing me into this world.",Bipolar +46791,"Possible Misdiagnosis? PMDD instead of Bipolar? I need possible opinions Between the ages of 12-13 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a short stay in a mental hospital. This mental hospital stay was right after the start of my first period. Over the years that I was medicated I took Lamictal, Prozac, Buproprian, and Lithium. They didn't do much except harm my memory and turn my into a zombie. However, I never had many of the Bipolar symptoms to begin with. Just mood swings and a lot of PTSD related trauma behaviors. At the age of 18 I took myself off of them and almost three years later I have still not had a manic episode. However, in the past few months I have noticed a pattern where my depression, negative thoughts, and unstoppable crying (among other things) come about a week before my period and disappear almost as soon as my period arrives. I am not sure if this is important but, my mom who was given a Bipolar diagnosis that was later retracted also experienced similar pre-period symptoms. I would like to be treated for my possible PMDD however my psychiatrist is worried that potentially treating my PMDD with Prozac could reactivate any latent Bipolar Disorder. I was just wondering how often Bipolar and PMDD are misdiagnosed as one or the other and if you guys ever were misdiagnosed? How did treatment go for you? What do you use to treat your PMDD? What is your opinion on this matter as well? I don't have a lot of friends who understand this kind of thing and I want an outside opinion before I start something potentially damaging.",Bipolar +46792,"Sex and bipolar It is so, so easy for a woman to get laid these days. Combined with a hypomanic phase and a little too much time on your hands... I understand how people can get addicted to this. + +I've been through this before, but the force of it always catches me off-guard. Can't stop doing it. Can't stop thinking about it. Anyone else go through phases like this? How did you handle it? Please don't get preachy on me, just need a friend.",Bipolar +46793,"Always questioning my diagnosis I dunno why i do this but basically I worry (probably part of my anxiety) that I don’t have bipolar (actually schizoaffective bipolar type). Then i remember that I’ve had up episodes where im full of energy and make bad decisions and all that great stuff, I’ve had an episode where my confidence flew through the roof got super cocky had unlimited energy but i still feel like im somehow making it up? I dunno",Bipolar +46794,"I faked my bipolar disorder for two years, and I feel awful First of all - Sorry. I faked it because I wanted to be helped and I thought faking some symptoms next to my real ones would allow me to be relieved of my symptoms sooner. I was in pain. + + +I was having trouble; stress, depression, anxiety and terrible racing thoughts. I tried to find help but felt I wasn't being taken seriously by my psychologist and psychiatrist at the time; they diagnosed me with very mild autism, a lifelong condition you're born with; I was having trouble for 8 months. I googled my symptoms for days until I was convinced I had bipolar disorder. I told my psychiatrist I was seeing things, and that I was paranoid. I said that so they too would be convinced and help me get rid of those terrible racing thoughts. I ended up becoming more convinced that all of this was real. The depression got worse and worse, after a few more months I didn't want to live anymore. The racing thoughts stopped after a month of rest. The antipsychotics they put me on afterwards made me sleep all day, which was nice at first, but I lost all motivation a little while later. The antipsychotics also made me fat, which I didn't like. I was also put on lithium, which made me thirsty and made my hands tremble. At a certain point in time, I was no longer depressed. Shortly afterwards, I went on a long holiday to my parents in Africa, where I stopped taking my antipsychotics. I still take lithium, but I'm planning to stop taking that as well. I would just like to say that I do not recommend anyone to stop taking their meds; I took a lot of risks doing that and I just ended up lucky, because it turns out that I do not have bipolar disorder. I had a 2 year long bout of depression and (for 9 months) had terrible racing thoughts, triggered by (I think) burn-out syndrome, an existential crisis and possible anxiety.",Bipolar +46795,"Having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning - does your doctor prescribe anything for this? So I've been in a depressive episode for months now, and can't motivate myself to get out of bed. Is there anything your doctor has prescribed to help you with this? I'm at my wit's end and have tried everything, but can't manage to not crawl back under the sheets after I wake up. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!",Bipolar +46796,"Fantasizing that it's all a bad drem I keep fantasizing about waking up on the ground during a boxing class I took last year and having it all just have been a dream. + +I was diagnosed about 9 months ago with type 1 and it has taken everything from me. I have crippling insomnia and couldn't leave my bed for the entirety of last week. My only comfort is thinking about waking up in that ring and going back to a normal, successful life.",Bipolar +46797,"Any Bipolar people also diagnosed with ADHD? I go to a new psychiatrist in April to sort out some meds that aren't working. Bipolar Type 1 is my official diagnosis. My therapist also wants me to be tested for ADHD because of the things she's heard from me and seen in my behaviors. Valid, but I'm a 28 year old, so I feel like if I was ADHD, I would have known it long before now. + +I'm wondering if anyone out there has a diagnosis of bipolar and ADHD. How do you cope? What does the combination of meds look like for you? My biggest concern is adding on an ADHD med because of the link to psychosis that's come out recently.",Bipolar +46798,"Withdrawals or new med at fault? So I went from 0.5 mg rispridol go 2 mg abilify overnight and upon taking the ab my legs started getting tingly, started experiencing light movements in my chin, twitching in arms and legs, and some “light” restlessness (not full akathesia)... I’m in like my 4th day of this and idk what to do I’m scared. Anyone have any ideas? I didn’t have any movement issues on rd (was taking for 2 months). I’m afraid I’m going to be permafucked by these damn drugs. ",Bipolar +46799,"Seeing “signs from the universe” everywhere. 1:11 2:22 3:33 4:44 5:55 every time I look at the time. Opened Reddit while contemplating how unhealthy cigarettes are (as I’m smoking) first thing I read is a showerthought about how no other industry could survive after killing over 400 million people besides cigarettes. Was talking to my wife about how I’ve been seeing multiples of 11 everywhere and she says “someone gave me a book today” and pulls out a book which has the subtitle the meaning of 111,222,333 and other number sequences” + + +I know this is a symptom and I’m probably ramping up to being hypomanic, but the cognitive difference between understanding that- and my experience of actually seeing it and feeling like the universe is trying to tell me something- is a real mind fuck. + +Hope you all are having productive and meaningful days. This sub definitely gets me through most days. ",Bipolar +46800,"Waiting 6 months and counting for any mental health treatment in the UK I moved back to the UK from the US about two years ago. Back in the states I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and put on meds. When I moved back I thought I was ok and didn't need help. That turned out not to be the case and in August of last year I went to a GP and asked for anti-depressants. He said he wouldn't prescribe them to me and said it would be best if I see a mental health specialist and he did the referral. That took until January and in the meantime my depression got worse, I got fired from my job due to the symptoms and started putting weight back on. I would see my GP each month and beg for just a week or two of anti-depressants, he didn't budge. + +The referral came through in January and I got an appointment in the middle of February. It was just an intake appointment, the Doctor there said he didn't want to prescribe anything until I had blood work done, that was another 14 days. That's finally done and I now have an appointment booked in the middle of April where hopefully I'll get a prescription. + +I'm a big proponent of universal health care in the US but honestly, I don't understand how people in the UK with mental health issues survive. Waiting so long for something as simple as anti-depressants is shocking to me and has taken a huge toll. At this point I'm tempted to move back to the States as this would have been resolved in a week or two back there. I'm trying to hold it together but I'm starting to fall apart without treatment. +",Bipolar +46801,"Fighting the stigma against medicating mental illness so people like me don't wait forever to get help Hey there! I'm bipolar and have had a lot of success with lamotrigine, but it took me a really long time to start taking it because there's such an intense stigma around medicating mental illnesses. I kind of assumed I would lose all sense of self if I took them, and I wish I didn't have that feeling for so long (over a decade). + +So I started up a project called Wear Your Meds recently to try and help other people not feel that way. Basically it's a series of 1"" buttons, and each button shows a commonly-prescribed mental illness medication. Anyone who wears one of these buttons is signaling that they’re open to sharing their personal story of how the medication helped. It's also a show of solidarity because sometimes it can feel like no one else you know is on meds. I'm hoping some people on here would be into it. More info is at wearyourmeds.com",Bipolar +46802,"Trying to understand my ex-girlfriend better. Hey, I don't know if these type of questions are allowed on this subreddit, but I figured the best way to understand someone who is living with a bipolar disorder is to ask people who live with a bipolar disorder. + +I met my ex-girlfriend when we were younger. We became best friends and I saved her life 2 times when she tried to commit suicide. Because of this I always thought that we have a really deep connection. However, we only started dating 3 years after knowing each other. I was 18, she was 20. We dated for 2 years and our relationship was beautiful, but also exhausting from time to time. Constant suicide thoughts because of the slightest issues, and also a shitty behaviour that she showed from time to time, including insulting, manipulating and blackmailing me. She also had depressions, social anxiety, schizophrenia and I think borderline. So it's hard to distinguish why she behaved like she did. + +However, after 2 years of dating, her best friend and 2 other friends came back in her life. She suddenly lost ALL interest in me. That's what I personally think is because of borderline, since they always need 1 favourite person in life and can't have 2 at the same time. + +But what really surprises me, and what can't really be explained with any of the other things, is that she really.. changed. A lot. And quickly. We always used to play videogames, watch movies, go for a walk in the park or woods. And then when her best friend came back in to her life she changed completely. She was suddenly going partying, drinking alcohol every day, she also seemed to have lost every other mental illness she had. No signs of depression anymore, no signs of social anxiety anymore. She was suddenly like one of the girls of these clichee american student movies that only drink alcohol and party and just enjoy their live without any fear of repercussions. And then she broke up. She had no sense of any guilt anymore. Cancelled a date with me to go out with another guy, broke up over whatsapp, 30 minutes later she came by with another guy to pick up her stuff. When I talked to her mother, her mother cried and told me that her daughter just said ""I have to go own my way now."" the whole time and that they (her parents) also worry about her and don't know what is happening. Apparently she also wasn't home at that point for 1 week anymore. She is also not using any social media platform anymore or is playing any video games anymore, which was basically her whole life before that. + +I first thought this was because of borderline too so I asked people with borderline about it and they said that even they would never do anything like that. So my last hope, before I have to accept that she just wasn't a good human is to ask you guys. Could all of this be explained because of her bipolar disorder ? Like a manic episode ?",Bipolar +46803,"Rocky Meds So to start my marriage has been very rocky and very nearly ended over the last year. My husband is struggling to make it through each day and a few times sinking into suicidal thoughts. He’s overworked (understaffing problems, he’s law enforcement), doesn’t sleep for shit, has chronic pain issues and has also struggled with depression his whole life. He is in a very very dark place and it just doesn’t want to end. I do my best to help but quite often it just never seemed to be enough. Just always coming up short. + +When we first met I was going through a really dark patch in life and he was my rock. And now when he needs one I just can’t pull it together. I sank into a very dark place too. My journal entries over the last year just got deeper and deeper into the darkness. I didn’t know what to do and my eternal demon of self harm became the main urge and thought in my head every single moment of every day. + +I called my psychiatrist and told him I just didn’t think I could do this anymore, told him I’m not gonna be able to pull myself out of this one. So he put me on a med to work in tandem with my mood stabilizer. + +I’ve been on it for a few weeks now and I already feel so much better. My mood, my ability to cope and do better in many aspects of my life, handle my husband’s dark times, doing things to improve the relationship itself and my anxiety is so much lower I find myself going days without having an attack. + +But I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop....... I’m keeping the hope this med truly will continue to work...... + +If you made it this far in the post, thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out of my head. +",Bipolar +46804,"why does alcohol turn me into the spawn of satan? I’ve been diagnosed BP2 since 2015. +As the years have gone on, I’ve gotten worse at drinking, and no matter how little I drink, if I drink at all I can feel my emotions get negative. + +The more intoxicated I get these days, the more belligerent and unnecessarily angry I get. I pick fights and make shit up to fight about with my boyfriend. I’m about to kick alcohol to the curb because of how bad it makes my mood swings. + +I can’t be the only one that turns into a complete bitch for no reason when I drink. Thoughts and support I’ll love a lot, because I just don’t get why alcohol affects my bipolar so severely. ",Bipolar +46805,"Neuroscience of bipolar I am a total hopless nerd. What helps me probably the most with bipolar (besides meds, duh) is understanding what the medications actually do. I have binders full of detailed notes I take on different classes of psychopharmaceuticals (Its so fascinating how people with different brain chemistries react so differently to various meds!). For some reason the chemical perspective helps me understand it all SO much better. It also helps to explain it to normies, I've found! And with work I've done on emotional awareness it feels like I can tell when something is emotional versus caused by brain chemicals (Of course there is overlap). + +After things like exercise, sex, caffeine, anything that gets them neurotransmitters moving I feel hyper aware of my chemical state. I can feel the the fall and the rise. + +...it's just when I let my chemicals get so off balance that I get manic or depressed and then this logical view is fucked. Lol. + +This was kind of random, but it consumes a lot of my thoughts! Are there any other bipolar science nerds out there? Any thoughts? Or do you have certain scientific perspectives that help you understand this illness? +",Bipolar +46806,"Starting a new job, how to manage sleep changes? First: my current job is making me miserable. I have been working my way out of a depressive episode that started in November but the stress of this job is a major contributing factor to keeping me down. The job pays poorly but is part time and offers health insurance, allows me to work alone for the most part, and I start work at 10. Honestly have no idea how I will get better if I stay at this job because I cannot emphasize enough how much it is affecting me. There is no point in trying to change anything about the job because oh my GOD I have tried. + +&#x200B; + +I have an interview for a temp job that would have me working 8:30-5:30. I am getting desperate to start a new job and earn more money. However, I am really bad with sleep disruption- just a time change can be a trigger for me- and I would need to get up two hours earlier. I have non-manic related insomnia that keeps me up at times, but I have depended on the ability to sleep in to make sure I don't become sleep deprived. Being at work so early feels risky since I can't seem to fall asleep before midnight on somewhat regular basis and it leaves no room for flexibility. + +&#x200B; + +I had been searching for a job that can accommodate my needs for MONTHS with no luck. I'm a little concerned that I may be flipping up since I am having a sudden lack of sleep and am afraid a big change will trigger a hypomanic episode or exacerbate the depression. I have no idea what my options are since all jobs seem to start at the crack of dawn and leave very little flexibility for sleep. But I need money. + +&#x200B; + +I don't know what to do. Advice or support would help. I feel so lost and I don't know what I need. + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46807,"It this a mixed episode? Backstory: diagnosed 7 years ago as bipolar 1 and never had a mixed episode. Anyways..... +The past few days have been miserable. I will be perfectly content and happy, getting things done. Then I’ll crash really hard and that lasts for hours no matter what I do to try and get myself out of it. I know that I can google symptoms and that this is probably a mixed episode, but I feel completely isolated. I quit my job about five weeks ago, and currently do not have health insurance. I live with my boyfriend, who is the main bread winner and starting the process of getting me on his insurance. If this is a mixed episode, what have you guys done to help stabilize? I am taking 300 mg of lithium ER three times a day and 7.5 mg of remeron at night. ",Bipolar +46808,Hormones? I recently went to the gynecologist to complain about my non-existent sex drive. She tested me to see how my hormones were faring before doing the shitty thing and just sending me straight to my psychiatrist and making him deal with it. It turns out that my testosterone as well as my estrogen are low. I have the worst mood symptoms the week before my period and the week of my period. Has anyone had a similar experience?,Bipolar +46809,"Going off Seroquel - coping suggestions? I'm getting off of Seroquel. I love the sleep, but I've gained 30 lbs in 6 months because I'm always hungry and always eating. + +&#x200B; + +Those of you who have stopped taking it, what worked for you to sleep again? I plan to use melatonin and magnesium, but I am open to suggestions. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46810,"Are the meds making me sick? What if? I am starting to wonder if all those meds are just making me sicker than I was to begin with. +I just want to be off of all of them - and I know, a lot of us feel better and decide to stop but I am actually not feeling better right now - and live my life. Maybe I am just an emotional person with anxiety. Do I have to be medicated for that? All the side effects, are they worth it? +How long does it take for your body to go back to normal / regulates itself when you stop meds? +I am not thinking of stopping cold turkey or without consulting my psychiatrist but really considering being off medications. +Thank you for the feedback! ?? ",Bipolar +46811,"Is this something to worry about? so I just realised the appointment I have today is with an SHO, which means it’s someone so don’t know. Normally I have the same team of CPN and Psyc and it’s making me not want to go. I find it hard to talk about what’s going on to people I know let alone complete strangers. Have any of you had this problem?",Bipolar +46812,"Do you do cocaine to cope with the lows? My PDOC is much more afraid of me having a manic episode with psychosis, than he is about the lows of depression, so he never prescribed me any anti-depressants, even when I was on Olanzapine tired all the time, he would not give me any stimulant which eventually led to me being let go from my last job about a year ago. Today I got some bad news regarding other job opportunity on different continent I was looking forward to... feeling down, I've reached to my stash and had some white nose powder, how about you and a drug habit? Do you self medicate with illicit substances?",Bipolar +46813,Pressured speech... what is it and who has experienced it? Can someone give me an example of what it is? I think I get it a lot. I have anxiety as well as bipolar 2. Can anyone describe to me what it feels like?,Bipolar +46814,"Thismay sound batshit, but I think my night vision got shittier to prevent hallucinations? So I'm bipolar 1. When I was a teen, I used to habitually hallucinate at night, seeing shadows as things they weren't, picture things lurking in corners, hear things, etc. It kept me up for hours with lights on, hoping the images wouldn't become more vivid or real feeling. Most times they didn't. Sometimes they did. + +Ever since I started getting medicated, though, my night vision has devolved into shit. I physically cannot see in the dark no matter what, not without a source of definitive light. + +While medication severely lessened hallucinations, it didn't rid me of them. I still fairly often hear things that aren't there. But night hallucinations? The inability to see has made them nigh impossible. + +Is it possible my brain decided to rewire itself a bit to make my life easier? I mean, it's done that before when I grew to be more introverted and self-sustainable socially, or re-conditioned my conscious brain to want and need more sleep. + + If so, hecking wild. If not, a convenient coincidence. Nighttime hallucinations always really fucked me up but it's hard to create any visions out of the pitch black. + +Anybody else experience weird stuff like this, body adapting in weird ways to cope with disorder?",Bipolar +46815,"Weight gain making me depressed. Any tips? I have been on lithium and citalopram for 2 years. I feel so much better. My depressive and aggressive are almost gone. They have only happened twice. My manic episodes are still there midly. Overall my mind is amazing. My mind is so healthy. I haven't felt aggressive or suicidal thoughts in over a year and my constant worrying is much better. But, I've gained nearly 30 lbs and I am so self conscious. I feel like i did before i started my lithium. I'm so depressed. I hate leaving the house and looking in the mirrow. I feel my weight everywhere i go. Any tips to anyone feeling the same? I exercise daily and eat healthy. I allow myself to eat unealthy once a week. I run and hike. I am not looking to stop my Lithium because i feel so much better mentally. Can someone please help me ",Bipolar +46816,Does anyone have a recommendation for a good pill cutter? The two I have blow.,Bipolar +46817,"Being tired I just wanted to know how you guys deal with fatigue, I get little episodes of being so tired all the time and wanted to know what helps you guys with this. It’s really frustrating being half asleep all the time lol + +Side note: I was on medication and it helped to fatigue a bit but since being off it’s gotten a little worse than it was ",Bipolar +46818,"Accidentally took an extra dose of 200mg Lamotrigine I know to watch vigilantly for SJS rash, but other than that is there any other danger? I'm trying to stay mellow about it, but I can't seem to find any concrete medical response (not that Reddit is necessarily the best source either, but maybe someone else has a recommendation)",Bipolar +46819,"Took night medicine this morning Accidentally took my night time medicine this morning instead of my morning. One was my Seroquel, so of course I’m now super exhausted and have a huge rest of the day ahead of me. If I take my morning pills tonight will that be okay? And then go back to my regular schedule tomorrow? Also, any tips of curing the seroquel drowsiness? ",Bipolar +46820,"Depressive Symptoms Seem to Always be Present. Hey everyone! I was officially diagnosed with RC Bipolar Disorder around 3 years ago. I have luckily been at baseline with very few manic/depressive episodes for about 2/3 years. But, lately I have become more cognizant of a background feeling of depression that always seems to be present. It is really more of the physical feelings rather than the emotional feelings (e.g. listlessness, fatigue, body aches, flat affect, etc.). I don’t feel “depressed”, but I have been depressed enough times in my life to know what the symptoms are. Does anyone else experience this? It is affecting my life, but I don’t know what to really do about it... + +Meds: +300mg seroquel XR +100mg Zoloft +50mg Topamax 2x/day",Bipolar +46821,"I feel no amount of therapy or meds. could ever help my obsessive worrying. So lost guys. Kinda exactly the title but I am struggling so bad. I have not been doing well lately and I feel lost. One day I want to die, then I am on top of the world, then overwhelmed by everything. I miss my cat that passed away so much that I can not get past it. He died in September and everyday a wave comes over me and I miss him so much. I feel like people can't understand that and think it's just over emotional. + +&#x200B; + +I have always had excessive worrying since a small child. The OCD type of if I don't worry about this enough, do this, ask this, something horrible will happen. Some of my worries are valid, but the people in my life assure me it will be manageable if they even happen. I don't see it that way for me it's my fault if I don't worry enough or fix it. I feel responsible for everything in everyone's life. I don't want anything bad to happen to the ones I love, I can not handle that. I want to go away from life to escape this, but I know that I will make things even worse by doing so. + +&#x200B; + +On tons of meds, no therapy, IOP, positive affirmations, or meditation can help this. This has been my burden my whole life and I am panicking and hysterical. I want it to be okay and I am so scared. I want to help and I want to fix everything for everyone but I don't know how, I feel so responsible and I want to do the right things, the right actions in my mind, press the right buttons in life, make the perfect choices. I spend my entire existence worrying. ",Bipolar +46822,"Wellbutrin making me suicidal? I am a bipolar 18 year old and I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 11, but until a few months ago i was thought to just have severe unipolar depression. I went on 300mg of Effexor, which worked wonders for my depression, but made me extremely manic. I went off of it and was on nothing for a month after the initial Effexor withdrawal (which is not fun). Last week I got put on 150mg of Wellbutrin (bupropion) and 12.5mg of lamictal (although I’m eventually gonna increase to 25mg) and ever since the first day of starting this my suicidal thoughts have been through the roof. I’m still waiting it out to see if things will get better but I keep getting worse every day. I can’t tell if it’s the medicine or just my life that’s making me feel this way, since it’s been pretty awful lately, I have absolutely no friends at all, my dad is dying, I may have a permanent STD, I get harassed by men almost on a daily basis, I either get terrible nightmares and sleep paralysis every night or I just don’t sleep, I can’t leave my dorm without getting extremely irritated by everyone because I can’t stand noise, I’m always in constant fear that I’m gonna gain weight, and more. I’m scared to switch medications because 1) I’m tired of them just making me worse and 2) I know a lot of antidepressants, especially the ones used to treat bipolar, cause weight gain and I absolutely cannot have that because I know it sounds stupid and shallow but I’m conventionally attractive and thin and that’s literally the only thing that brings me comfort and keeps me going. Should I just stay on Wellbutrin and wait it out?",Bipolar +46823,"Lamictol related disassociation Hi , +I m on a dose up schedule with Lamictal and changed from 50 mg to 75 mg this Wednesday . +I have been feeling a lot of disassociation since the beginning of this week and it makes me scared and anxious . Any one else experience this ? Does it go away ? +Thanks ",Bipolar +46824,"dear people of bipolarreddit, PLEASE help me - what can i expect? hello r/bipolarreddit. good morning to each and every one of you. please, i badly need your help and advice. the benefit of your experience would be absolutely priceless to me. + +my very best friend has always been COMPLETELY stable--in fact she's the rock of our friend group. + +she and i always spoke every single day, ever since we were 11. we would write and share poetry; go to movies together; do kitchen gardening together; shop together; ride horses together; watch tv for hours together; even travel together--we've been to portugal, spain, mexico, the bahamas, peru, and canada. + +we are southern and she really is as sweet as pecan pie. +i love her like a sister. + +her 30th birthday was three months ago, december 28. she was NOT herself: speaking rapidly, having ""amazing"" ideas, vastly inflated self-esteem, incredibly project-oriented, overly friendly to everyone, no filter when speaking (lots of sextalk, really a no-no in AL), said she didn't sleep anymore. it was frightening to watch. a doctor friend who was at her birthday party told me quietly he thought she was manic. he was right. + +the past three months has been hell. she has been hospitalized twice. she lost her job and her boyfriend. she is spending all of her money. all she wants to do is go out to honkeytonks and drink, or go out dancing in the nearest city (formerly she had no interest in either activity). my momma was a raging alcoholic and i have terrible anxiety about drinking (and in general), so i simply cannot go out with her. she is being aggressive to strangers when she is out. + +she has de-escalated a few times but not to the point of normality (we went to see a romcom and she laughed loudly at every joke, but very artificially, almost inappropriately). i am so scared for her. before her second hospitalization she attacked her boyfriend and her sister (this is why her bf left). she refuses to take her risperdol. + +will she ever be ""normal"" again? she is in denial. after her first hospitalization she told me was fine. i am exhausted and run down from the uncertainty of it all and frankly a little afraid of her. i already know we will never travel together again, but will she ever be my poetry-writing, mint-growing bff again? i really struggle to be around drunk/unpredictable people. even her horse seems nervous around her now. + +i am desperate to help her but i feel myself pulling away because i can't condone or participate in the drinking/aggression toward strangers. i cannot speak to her honestly about her condition because she doesn't believe she has it. bp1 is NOT!!!!!! a problem for me in our friendship but her choice to drink and not take meds is. i feel my trust vanishing. it is so heartbreaking. her very religious gamma recently told me she feels her granddaughter is dead. + +i have read every single thing i could find about bp1 but i'm still confused about outcomes. i have been there for her as much as i can, was right there after the first hospitalization, have taken her out to flower shows, a dressage event, and dinner (even when she's irritable and delusional), but i am just so scared. i am scared of her. + +PLEASE help us. what can i do? what can i expect? + +god bless all of you. god bless your families. i hope you all feel good today.",Bipolar +46825,"Recently started treatment, and I was told to double my quetiapine dose last night, but got hit with some kinda scary side effects. Is that normal? So, my psychiatrist wanted me to double my dose from 50mg to 100mg last night, and I did. As soon as the meds start to kick in, my heart starts beating like crazy and I get this extremely dizzy feeling, like I am about to pass out any second. At times it feels like my body just starts falling, as I lay in the bed. I have taken a lot of different drugs, but this feeling made me panick a bit, thinking I might be allergic or something. A couple of hours in, and the symptons didn't change, so I figured, that if it was something that was truly dangerous, surely my symptoms must have gotten worse by now, and I went to bed. Didn't feel any side effects this morning, except for some pretty bad shoulder pain, but that started while I was on 50mg. Are these normal side effects, and I just have to get used to them? Didn't feel anything like that at all, while I was on 50mg. But I have only been in treatment for like 5 days, so most of you know better than me. I also took 10mg of zopiclone (about 5mg of lunesta/eszopiclone) last night, and some melatonin. I am also on a lot of tramadol and sometimes some instant release oxycontin, due to some pain I got after being admitted to the hospital with acute pancreatitis. Which is actually how I found out I have bipolar. so maybe it had something to do with mixing it? I have been on zopiclone for over 6 years though, and never experienced anything like that. Thanks for reading it all! I hope some of you can help me out, since I am kinda new to this, and can't call my psychiatris till monday. ",Bipolar +46826,"Wellbutrin in conjunction with other meds Hi everyone, first post in this sub. My pdoc has prescribed Wellbutrin for depression, which I am taking together with 900mg Lithium, 100mg Sertralin and 1,5 mg Risperidone. Has anyone been on this combination? I started taking it on Friday, and I am a mess. Zero appetite, shaking, cold sweats, hot sweats, all the sweats. basically I am white-knuckling it till Monday when I can call the doc, but am feeling pretty alone right now and would appreciate any advice you might have. Would you for example consider stopping the Wellbutrin before consulting the doc?",Bipolar +46827,"Should I call my psychiatrist? -TRIGGER WARN- I don't know what to do. All of the sudden last Friday I took a nose dive deep deep into suicidal/harmful depression. I saw my Pdoc Thursday, when I was doing ok. + +Now I am constantly thinking of suicide. I tried to smother myself with a pillow, twice. I figured it wouldn't work, but gave it a go. Then I tried to see if I could get a gun from Amazon - spoiler alert... no you can't -. + +I was in so much mental anguish I self harmed the ""typical"" way... but that wasn't enough. I wanted to break my hand. I needed to. For three days over and over I've been beating it with a hammer. Yesterday it was as swollen as a half a golf ball. + +I haven't told anyone. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to go to the hospital again. I tried calling my therapist, but she only works 2 days a week. I'm afraid to call my doc. I don't want to waste his time, or for him to think I am just trying to get attention or something. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate for help, but I don't trust anyone. + +I've tried sooooo many treatments. Last month I finished a round of 25 ECT with Ketamine sessions. I've gone through all the drugs. Nothing helps. Nothing will ever help. I just want to be put out. And I 100% do not want to go sit in the stupid hospital. That would make 6 months in a row. ",Bipolar +46828,Are manic episodes somewhat forced? Like I mean when I’ve been manic it’s like I’ve lost track in thought. I have an underlying feeling like I’ve needed to change for a while. Like I’m not happy with who I am. So before I go manic or at least the early stages I’m thinking of shifting my mindset to a more positive energetic state. Whether that’s mania taking place or just me thinking myself into mania I don’t know. But it usually blows up into insanity where I have no self control. I feel like now I have a gf it’s less likely to happen because she gives me affirmation of who I am. I don’t feel the need to change who I am or “improve”. Maybe this isn’t what mania is like for you guys but I’m interested to hear what your opinions of how in control we are of it happening in the first place,Bipolar +46829,"Psychiatrist came into my work? I recently saw my psych, and most of what she asked me about my work. The next day, she comes in(never seen her there before) and makes eye contact with me the whole time and it was really uncomfortable. I'm working on switching to a new doctor soon, for other issues with her. + +Was it inappropriate for her to show up? Maybe she was just hungry? She asked me a lot about work, now she suddenly shows up??",Bipolar +46830,"Am I ruining my friendships or are they abandoning me? Some suicidal ideations... I moved to a new city in August and immediately made a band of friends in the form of coworkers. I recently left this job for something better and at first they were still there, still able to hang out, etc. But, now the closest one has stopped talking to me, going as far as ignoring me on my birthday when we had made plans to get Banh mi. That’s all I wanted. Still haven’t heard from her, it’s been a month. There’s one who isn’t “too busy or tired” who will go out of their way. In fact, I just saw her this afternoon. But, looking at their Instagram story, I see they met up with two of our mutual friends and went to a place I love and wanted to go to this morning but didn’t have time. I told them this today. What gives? + +I make an effort to make plans but usually, no one wants to do it when it comes time. My partner from out of state was in town and they share the same friends. Only two, a couple, made some time for us during the few days he was here. This also happened before he moved. I’m confused. I stay in my room and do nothing. I’m starting to have suicidal ideations again and panic attacks in bed about dying. So, I feel like I’m a burden and should kill myself to save the torment of existing but the idea of dying petrifies me. Now it’s controlling my sleep. Help. + +In between insurance enrollments so I can’t see a doctor until May. + +Tl;dr: friends have suddenly vanished while I was on my high. It’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to see me and all I do is waste away in my room, wanting to die. ",Bipolar +46831,"Recent decline in Sex Hey everyone, recently i started taking 3 different medications and since then my sex drive has decreased and i have stopped getting as wet as normal. does anyone have any solutions? Or is my only option switching medications? ",Bipolar +46832,"I can’t wait to feel like a god again... My mania state is very odd. I become extremely self confident and I just feel like I’m unstoppable. And then I crash, hard. I think I’m currently on my up and I’m making a lot of changes in my life. + +I can’t wait to feel on top of the world and hopefully these meds will keep me there. + + +I have just recently been diagnosed with bipolar 1 and I must say I’m terrified of what’s to come. I’m praying this brings my confidence back in myself. I can’t take another crash. I know for a fact I won’t make it out of it. + +Good luck, everyone . ",Bipolar +46833,"What can you do when you're thinking about suicide? I'm seriously considering it and I think I'd be better off dead. My question is: When you're suffering from emotional pain, and the pain hurts so much that you think about killing yourself not just because you feel worthless and like you're a bad person but because you want the pain to stop, how do you care for yourself? Is there any drug you can take for emotional pain?",Bipolar +46834,"Dealing w mania? Hey all, I’m new to this.. +I’ve had a few acute psychotic episodes / manic episodes over the last three years.. all of which have resulted in a short term stay in hospital. I’ve lost a long term relationship and left jobs because my delusions feel so real to me (ridiculous in hindsight but they feel real and I cannot help but believe them during these times). +I’ve resorted to moving home to my parents, and am trying to find a new job whilst learning more about myself — my question is does anybody have advice for how to keep it together while in mania? +The medication I am given at the hospital usually makes me aggressive and labile and I can’t bare to go through these episodes for the rest of my life, I’m beginning to think I’ll never settle down or have children because I can’t get it together.. + +TY in advance x",Bipolar +46835,"I'm frustrated + + +Every time I start to get upset and have depression symptoms I start to get really frustrated. +My coping mechanisms dont work. I really struggle to stay calm. I can recognize what is going wrong but I feel powerless to change anything. +I feel like I'm missing something or doing something wrong. +",Bipolar +46836,"Never gets better I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder late last year, started meds, was doing great! The best I’ve been in years, until my meds started giving me side effects. It’s been about 2 weeks since I’ve stopped the meds and realized that I’m never going to get better. I can’t function without meds. I just think it’s better to kill myself now (16) then let my life get worse. There’s no hope. I’ll always be like this.",Bipolar +46837,"How to ask for a reasonable accommodation? So basically I’m asking for a reasonable accommodation tomorrow. I work in a job where I have the option to work from home two days a week. Many of the offices in my company work from home three and four, some even five days a week. It’s up to our individual office - mine is two. When I go into the office I start work at 6am and leave my house at 450am which means I’m up at 430am. I get home about 415/430pm. I work 9 hr days. Problem is when I get up so early I fall into a depressive state and want to die. + +My boss is great and I have reason that I’ll be approved for three days work from home - I’m just so nervous. I have no idea how to start the conversation. Any ideas? + +I’ve been here 4.5 years with the same management and my immediate boss knows I’m bipolar. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +46838,"I need help I am barely hanging on after some information and events today. I quit smoking last week but am craving one (first time since I quit that actually feels like I #need one. I also want to get drunk and just go numb. + + +I am not looking for advice or all that. I posted this because I am proud me. I might be hanging on only by the tips of my nails, but I still am.",Bipolar +46839,"Does anyone else feel frozen in a hypomanic or manic episode Like your body can’t keep up with your mind and it creates this intense frustration. I find it especially painful when I’m feeling ill/chronic pain flairs up and I’m having racing thoughts and so many ideas for things, but I don’t have the physical energy to do them. + +Makes you feel like a prisoner in your body type feeling. It makes me really angry and just useless. I’ve been so unproductive because of it, and I have no idea how to reconcile these two things. My concentration is too low to be productive and it’s getting frustrating. I’ve been trying to get an appointment with the mental health team for months, they don’t seem to give a shit. + +What do you do in this situation, if you can’t get access to meds’ changes?",Bipolar +46840,"Anyone train in a martial art? I was recently thinking of getting into wrestling or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, maybe kickboxing. Really anything to compete and get out some of my aggression. + +Have any of you found success on a similar path? ",Bipolar +46841,"Weight Loss & Bipolar My care provider and I have been talking about weight management for a while. Yes, I put on weight thanks to meds. Slowly but surely I've gone back down to 235 lbs at 68 inches tall. It still isn't healthy for a guy to be at that BMI so we've been talking about realistic strategies for the rest of 2019. This would help contain any comorbidities. + +If you gained weight due to meds, did you feel particularly different when you shed the excess? Did life just roll on? I'm in a place now where I don't think I've been voluntarily photographed for a while just out of fear of how I look to myself and others.",Bipolar +46842,"bi-polar /ADHD - looking for advice I'm 37 years old and i have bi-polar and ADHD. I am a mother of three and have spent the majority of my life raising my kids and taking care of my disabled mother who has Parkinson's disease. I need a job desperately and I know if I find the right one , I will absolutely flourish in it. I have a mindset for success , however I just need someone to give me a chance. I spend time dwelling about different things I could be good in , but I don't know what field to get into with no experience. I also have a major fear of going on the interview once that time finally comes. Anyone have any suggestions?",Bipolar +46843,"Should I own a gun? I’m a security guard. I’m a security guard for a college where we are not required to carry a firearm. I have a degree in criminal justice and know how to properly use it and when. I own a handgun, thats the culture we have in my area and my profession. I’m also newly diagnosed. + +Prior, I have had bouts off depression where i disassembled the weapon and gave it to a friend for safe keeping so I wouldn’t be tempted. + +What do you folks think?",Bipolar +46844,"Should I have waited out this depressive episode to decide whether to end it with my boyfriend? I’ve got bipolar 1, psychoaffective with rapid cycling. Emphasis on the rapid cycling. My relationship with a person I really love was going amazing but in the past few months I’ve gotten increasingly DEPRESSED. + +I decided that I didn’t want to be a burden on my boyfriend anymore so I broke up with him over the phone last night. It was super out of the blue and I instantly regretted it. I can’t tell if I made the right decision though. If you love something let it free? I’m the worst right now. We’re in our mid 20s. I don’t want this incredible person to waste any more time with this worthless version of myself. + +I love being with him and I want to be with him. But I don’t know if I can handle friendship or love right now. + +",Bipolar +46845,"I don’t want to be me anymore. Bipolar 2, currently depressed. Just took another stab at meds and had side effects as usual and had to come off. I get worse and worse as time passes. Hopeless. Helpless. A shell of myself. The roller coaster ride of this illness and the meds takes an enormous toll. I’m scared to go back on meds, scared not too. I get every side effect I’ve even had gene testing and the meds that are suited to my DNA still give me awful side effects. I don’t really know why I’m posting guess I just had to vent. Thanks. ",Bipolar +46846,"(Trigger warning) Am I in a mixed episode? I feel like I want to jump out of my own skin, like I want to rip off my limbs. Like everything inside me is wrong - all my bones ache as if they don't fit inside my body, like they want to burst out. Like I want to explode. It's a kind of intense restless agitation to which nothing brings relief. Sometimes I go for a run or bike ride to try calm myself down, but it doesn't have a big effect, and often I end up overexerting myself and get hurt. What appeals to me most in this state is the thought of hurting myself or not living or losing myself in drugs. It's very hard to keep myself from self-harming. I've been in this state for so long and I don't know how much more I can take. In the past I've described it as 'restlessness', because I don't know how else to describe it. But it's clear to me that it's much more than that. + +Is this a mixed episode? I've been like this for so long... Sometimes they'll last for one day, sometimes days, sometimes weeks or maybe even months. I'll then have a brief period of respite before returning to the state I've described above. While in this state I can often get into a kind of semi-mania and get things done which I never thought I could - read books, make art, play music, write essays - but always with this horrible exploding depressive restlessness underneath. And it's extremely hard to motivate myself to do anything. But if I curl up in bed or try to calm down with a film or music, my heart begins to pound and shake my entire body, and the restlessness just gets worse and worse and I want to die. + +I've tried lots of times to search on the internet for this kind of feeling, but I've never found anything. +However reading this sub today, I'm struck by how people seem to have had similar sensations. I really didn't think I was Bipolar, because I don't think I have contrasting periods of 'highs' and 'lows'. I might be in a relative 'low', but there will always be the potential for a relative 'high' to emerge quickly out of this low. And vice versa. It's as if everything is there at once, as if I'm in a low and a high at the same time. Always fluctuating, but always wrong. It's awful. It has really impacted all aspects of my life. I've withdrawn from society and do not keep contact with anyone, and when I do meet people they are scared or unnerved by how bizarre my behaviour is. + +I know it's unwise to seek opinions on the internet, but at this point in time I have no friends who I can talk to about this, and I don't have the money to see a doctor or psychologist. +If a redditor or two could give their thoughts on my state, it might help point me in the right direction. +Thank you. + + +",Bipolar +46847,"Mixed episode, first episode of any kind in years Hi all, + +I just went through a mixed episode (or at least what I think was a mixed episode, never had one before) after being consistently healthy for 4+ years. + +In reflection, I’ve realized how much I’ve taken my good health for granted. I’d forgotten what it was like to feel completely out of control. I think I’ve also been in denial in the past that I ever did anything outside of my control during an episode and downplayed it, but this was the kick in the pants that reminded me what it’s really like. + +Anyway, in the aftermath there are some things that are still really getting me down (pretty sure I’m still depressed). This is the first episode I’ve had since my son was born. Before he was born I expressed to my wife that I was worried about passing bipolar on to him, and I was even more worried about having an episode while I was home alone with him. + +Well, I did end up having to be home alone with him a couple of times and it really terrifies me. At one point I was trying trying to get him into his car seat and he was giving me a really hard time. He wasn’t being intentionally difficult, really he was just playing, trying to turn off the dome light. I ended up screaming at him in my driveway while I tried to get him into the seat so I could buckle him in. He started bawling. That was early on in the episode and at that point I hadn’t realized yet that I was off in any way, but a couple minutes later I realized I had just done something that I would never, ever, ever normally do. The other times I was with him, I just felt so down that I could barely respond to his needs for food or a diaper change or whatever and definitely couldn’t play with him. It was really hard to look at him in the face. He had no idea what was going on and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t read to him or play with cars when that’s what we normally do every day. The one time I tried to read to him I started weeping before I got past the first page. + +Like I said, I was worried that something like this would happen, but I was not at all prepared to handle it, nor was I at all prepared for how it would make me feel. After screaming at him I’m worried I’m going to become violent. And when I have trouble feeding him, it’s just an overwhelming feeling that I can’t take care of the kid that depends on me just to survive. I feel completely unable to parent properly and like I am a complete failure as a dad. It has me wondering if my family would be better off without me (not necessarily in a suicidal kind of way, more like should I just leave?). In my mind I keep telling myself I’m being irrational, but it’s pretty hard to believe right now. My wife knows I’m feeling down still and last night she asked me if I was going to be ok with him in the morning (I get him ready for the day and take him to childcare for the day because she leaves early). I know it’s a necessary question, but the fact that it even needs to be asked really cuts deep. + +Anyway, idk what I’m really looking for with this post. Just needed to get it out. +",Bipolar +46848,"I hurt someone today It's said that those you push away the hardest, and still somehow fight to remain should be cherished, and I do cherish you. Even though sometimes my actions speak otherwise, deep within, it's undoubtebly clear that some people can weather the storm and when I can actually speak out, it's just to confirm my misguided reality that consumes me whole that no, I am not alone, and that to be alone is sometimes even my greatest desire, and that I suffer to espouse that truth, and revert to a sequence of events that could very well led to a reality and truth, different from my desires, to become intertwined— and it's scares me. And yet, through those moments I leave behind everything, and continue on my merry way as if actions don't continue to have consequences that are severe and just stubbornly maintain my path without a single thought of those outside my bubble, and thus greatly alienate those that only care and support. It's just not fair. It's my greatest burden and yet I unfurl as if it's just and nebulously accept that I can't escape; but, somehow I pester on incesstantly able to change my direction and yet I can't, and sometime the act of several conjoined inactions are my closest held resolve and action. I feel like a taker that returns little and some will have me believe it isn't my fault, but how can it not be, how convient that I can absolve myself thoroughly and just continue wistfully.",Bipolar +46849,"I don't know what to think about this As long as my mind is busy I'm ok or okish... hypomanic even. The moment I stop and am still and unoccupied by an activity I start to slid down into a depression (still some hypomanicness going on but no joy just heavy weights of meh) + +This has been going on for a few days at least.. I just don't know. Usually this time of year I'm primarily hypomanic not this quick yoyoing. + +&#x200B; + +And one else go through this and maybe understand it a bit? + +&#x200B; + +I plan on talking to my therapist about this but he is brand new to me.. (and I him) I've only seen him once so I don't ..well.. have that sense of faith that I can have faith in him yet. ..and honestly unknowns are really had to deal with right now.",Bipolar +46850,"I miss my life before diagnosis Rationally I know that the BP 2 diagnosis is not what made everything fall apart. I know that the stuff going on with my body physically isn't caused by it. (Except for weight gain caused by the medication) I know that my friends didn't leave just because I ""suddenly went crazy"", I know I must have had symptoms before the big crisis, and I know that had things not gone the way they had I wouldn't have met my wonderful fiance. +But I miss my friends. I miss everything about the life I had made for myself. I miss being blissfully ignorant of just how bad my mental issues are. I miss just having 2 pills to take at night instead of 8 at night and 2 during the day. I miss being able to drink if I want to. I miss living without parental restrictions. I miss freedom, fun, friends, and everything that I used to have. +And I love my fiance, and I wouldn't trade him for any of that back because I know there's no guarantee I would have stayed happy. +I'm just so sad and hurt and angry that this happened, and that I hurt my friends bad enough that they don't want to talk to me but I can't even remember all the details because I was so completely disconnected from reality during that time.",Bipolar +46851,Abilify I’ve been on abilify since the beginning of March and it seems to be working pretty well so far. My only issue is with the side effects. I have blurry vision and I’m extremely tired even though I take the medicine at night. Does anybody know if the symptoms will clear up eventually?,Bipolar +46852,"Problems being around friends and being with friends when depressed. Whenever I'm depressed I can't be alone, when I'm alone I can get really overboard with how I think. When I'm alone in the moment I can feel like I'll be thinking completely rationally but if I'm in the same mood around people I care about my mindset will can add will be completely different.",Bipolar +46853,"Destroyed Self Image Anyone with advice on improving your self image? I have struggled with hating myself (appearance, personality..etc) for years and I haven't improved. I've tried to improve myself by being healthier, and accepting my husband's compliments and try hard to believe them, but I just seem to end up hating everything about myself all over again. I can't seem to stop my own brain from insulting and absolutely tearing myself down at every opportunity. ",Bipolar +46854,"Tambel ramble For over a week I've wanted to post or talk to someone, but every time I've tried I haven't been able to put forth the energy. + +It's almost been a year since we lost our son (late miscarriag) and I've been a complete mess this month. I started skipping sleep, over eating, and probably on purpose induced a hypomanic episode. + +Now I've spent nearly 4k in credit that we can't pay back. I had started mildly hallucinating, picking fights with everyone bit especially my SO and am worried I damaged that...over all just being a complete idiot. + +Today, I'm coming down, I guess, and the depression is hitting hard. The worse part is, I never did feel any better, just able to hide it more easily. I miss my son, I feel alone, I'd kill myself but I don't really see the point of that either. + +Don't worry about commenting back. Just wanted to say this stuff. ",Bipolar +46855,"Missing work, feeling guilty Last night I left work because I was legitimately sick. Today I feel better but told my boss I am still sick so I can’t come in...it’s really because I am so incredibly depressed, working a full shift feels so unmanageable. Even getting out of bed feels unmanageable. I feel so guilty about missing work, it’s really unlike me, but all I feel capable of doing is staring at the ceiling and going to sleep. + +I want my job to see me as a valuable and good employee, I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with taking the space and time I need to feel like myself again, I just hope my boss and coworkers can understand that sentiment as well. + +So yeah, today I feel pretty defeated. I hope you’re all doing better than I am.",Bipolar +46856,"Is having a therapist I talk to in my head a coping skill or a symptom of my illness? So my boyfriend and I are just double checking because we know hearing voices can be a sign of extreme mania. Is it healthy to have a therapist I talk to in my head (or sometimes out loud, I’ve always talked to myself out loud)? She doesn’t tell me to hurt myself or anyone else, she mostly just helps me gain an impartial perspective on things. Sometimes I even pretend my boyfriend and I are doing couples therapy with her. Is this mania or just a coping skill? + +Thank you. :) ",Bipolar +46857,"Lamictal - Issues since raising dosage Hi all, first post here, + +&#x200B; + +So, I've been on Lamictal for about 8 months and haven't had any issues. I've had it slowly raised from 50mg to 300 mg last week. Since I've raised from 250 mg to 300mg I'm seeing a massive increase in being disoriented, vision being fuzzy, unable to think straight (like type at work or write), and last night I experienced a large amount of paranoia I haven't felt since before I went on the medication. Does this sound like 300 mg might be too much for me and I should go back down to 250 mg? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks, all!",Bipolar +46858,"It’s the small things I’ve been suicidal for 3 weeks straight, and I’m trying desperately to hold on. I told myself two weeks ago that I would give myself a week to live and make everyone around me happy just a few more times. I tried extremely hard to hang out with all my friends (after isolating myself for months), to talk to my parents (after we got into a terrible argument), and to experience the things i love about the world. Obviously i didn’t kill myself, i didn’t even attempt. I’ve been at points in my life where I’ve just given up, but this doesn’t feel like that. This feels like I’ve been desperately grasping at anything that can give me a reason to live just one more day, over and over. I’ve found that the small things are the most effective, because it’s hard to see myself with any “big” future. I can’t tell if this is good or bad. I know it’s good that I’ve been trying to escape these suicidal thoughts and use every coping mechanism I know, but the fact that nothing seems to work for more than an hour or two seems disheartening. + +So, please tell me some things that make you want to live another day, no matter how small. I think the more of these that I have the easier it will be to keep going even when the “big” things in my life continue to fail. These are my reasons right now: + +-Feel the sunshine on my skin +-Ride my bike +-Eat my favorite food again +-See my cat +-Going swimming once the weather warms up +-Reading my favorite books again +-Going to the zoo +-Planting a garden ",Bipolar +46859,A question about abilify ? Hey guys I've been taking abilify for a while now these past few days I've been experiencing really fast heart beat as Soon as I woke and I can feel my heart racing called my doctor he told me it's my anxiety and I should take Xanax and to call him back of it doesn't stop he also told me the med doesn't effect heart rate and it's safe although on the list of side effects on the net I can see fast heart beat and anxiety as side effects . I wanted to Know if anyone had these issues with abilify ? How was your experience with it? Any help is appreciated as idk what to do at this point ,Bipolar +46860,How much do I have to disclose to a potential employer? The store I work at is closing down in a week. I had an interview today that went really well but I have to fill out a medical form through a 3rd party company. As part of the form I have to consent to this company contacting my GP (who obviously knows I have bipolar). I got to the question about if I'm being treated for any illnesses and have no idea what to say. I'm in Queensland if that helps. ,Bipolar +46861,Having extreme manic bounces up and down... I’ve recently and utterly destroyed the love of my life and she walked out. Packed up and said her goodbyes a few days ago and I am just skyrocketing and plummeting. You know how bad manic episodes can get. Idk where I’m going with this. I can’t keep a train of thought. I don’t really have friends to talk to anymore. I don’t want to feel so lost anymore. I hate the darkness in me. I want to reflect and grow but how do I do that when I literally can’t keep my mind in one place long enough to work through my issues?,Bipolar +46862,"Bipolar depression and MAOI’s 22 m. I had early onset bp at 15, diagnosed at 19, and I have had no luck with meds thus far and am now onto MAOI’s. My oral selegiline trial is just about up after two months. The only time a medication ever affected my mood was when a low dose of lithium brought me out of a ten month depressive episode. Unfortunately, my stability was short lived and I was launched back into a brutal episode in a week’s time. This current depressive episode has lasted well over a year now. The limited number of studies out there on bp depression, treatment resistant depression, and atypical depression treated with MAOI’s seem to have incredible results. Especially the ones using tranylcypromine. I believe that will be the next drug I go on. But I’m just looking for some personal experiences, tips, or insight. + +Right now I’m on oral selegiline, therapeutic dose of lithium, a dopamine agonist , and a low dose of quetiapine for sleep because of the stimulatory effect of the maoi. ",Bipolar +46863,"Pot induced my mania, is this the new normal? Is bipolar mania precipitated by marijuana use typically one off, or a ""new normal"" in the cycle? Am I likely to experience full-blown mania without medication? + +Some background: + +After a period of minor depression I reverted to old habits and smoked some marijuana which caused my first manic episode. I spent some time in a psych ward and was given lithium and zyprexa, which didn't fully suppress my manic state. After a couple months in hypomania, I gave my zyprexa to someone else I'd med who couldn't afford them. I thought I'd be fine, with just a week until my next refill. I was wrong, and went manic, totalled my car, and ended up back in the psych ward. Now I'm dealing with the fallout from this event. + +I'm 26, and generally high functioning. I was an alcoholic for a few years and have been sober for about 4 years (it runs in my family). I'd smoked pot before, but not often because it would make me feel very anxious and make my thoughts race. + +Is this extreme episode of mania my new normal or is it likely a one-off ? I'd never experienced them before. In fact, I don't think I'd ever really experienced general hypomania before, only excitement related to specific projects or areas of interest. + +I'm unable to find much online about this, here's one: + +>Clinicians agree that cannabis use can cause acute adverse mental effects that mimic psychiatric disorders, such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. + +>[...] + +>Cannabis abuse prior to development of bipolar disorder has a significant effect on first-episode mania and on the course of the disease. Another study reported that using cannabis at baseline can significantly increase the risk for manic symptoms during follow up. + +https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2811144/",Bipolar +46864,"Decade of Stability Here I'm just over 2 months away from my 10th anniversary of leaving a psychiatric hospital and never looking back and needing that much help. I've gone on to FINALLY finish my Bachelors degree, I am not super successful, but I would like to know if I were to kind of tell about these last years what sort of information would you find beneficial in a story like that, basically overcoming mental illness that so many people assume upon diagnosis your life is shot to shxt which isn't true. ",Bipolar +46865,Just learned I am a F-up I haven't cut in 2 years and today really set me off the rails. I know to many it will seem insignificant the reason is because I have to drop out of school. I just am not smart enough to do this. I am trying to be strong but I need the release. I will try to keep myself safe. Sorry just needed a place to vent.,Bipolar +46866,"""People first language"" and being bipolar I had a somewhat irritating encounter with someone recently who lectured me at length about how damaging it is to refer to myself as bipolar and that I should instead refer to myself as ""a person living with bipolar disorder."" I know that there was a big push for awhile in various health communities to use ""people first language"" (for those unfamiliar here's a [quick and dirty overview](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/disabilityandhealth/pdf/disabilityposter_photos.pdf). + +That just got me to thinking how do you refer to yourself? I've always just said ""I'm bipolar"" but I'm curious to know what others prefer and why.",Bipolar +46867,"Making and maintaining friendships? Following my diagnosis of bipolar 1 I am finding it very difficult to make friends. Due to mainly having the depressive side of the illness I tend to isolate myself and avoid social situations. Currently I'm 25 and realizing that making friends as an adult is significantly more difficult than it was when I was younger. + +So any tips you guys have would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading",Bipolar +46868,"I made a (manic) decision two weeks ago to adopt a puppy and now I have to rehome him and it's tearing me apart. Newly diagnosed, but I'm about 99% sure I was manic when I decided to adopt a puppy. I now have to rehome him because he is stressing my other animals out too much. I have two rats and two rabbits, and the rabbits sometimes won't eat because they're so stressed out with the dog being in the room. It's been two weeks and it's not getting any better. + +It sucks because I really love him. He's a great dog, eager to learn, about 4 months old. But my pets that I had before him come first, and rabbits can die of stress. I'm of course devastated and I feel myself falling into a depression. I'm trying to think about how he will make another family very happy, but holy crap does this suck. He's being sweet and kissing my tears away right now, which makes me cry even more. + +Has anyone else ever had to do something like this? What got you through it?",Bipolar +46869,"Mania a memoir a short shitty one I wrote something I have no where to share. + +Was my lowest drinking cheap wine on a toilet seat at mid day in a sprawling Westfield shopping outlet, having my stomach and veins flushed for the third time in one year? + + Or forgetting I had sex with my best friend after my court date for a shattered window. In a million little pieces. You might assume it was. + + It wasn't. Truth is this is medication, because without this. I'm fine in the sense THAT I FEEL. I feel everything, I feel everything. Life is like day time television and it hurts me with its monotony. My brain is too fast, the world is too slow. I am too arrogant the world is too humble. Atleast I'm self aware, my addictions are my angels and my devil's. They save me every time and yet darling they push me closer and closer to the edge. The edge is always there. Hi my name is Sophie and I have manic depression. I swear you might disregard what I say, but I know it has value. + +I want to live. + +",Bipolar +46870,"how the fuck do I get my diploma without losing my mind Hi guys. I'm in my first semester of my history degree. Love my classes and everything has been great so far, except for the fact my bipolar brain is doing its best to make everything as hard as possible to me. + + +I really don't wanna ruin this (too much), as studying what I love is really what keeps me motivated every single day. I've been keeping track of my mistakes, figuring out what I can do in the future so I won't let them get the best of me again, but as you all know, it's never that easy. Not being familiar with my reactions to this new environment is definitely the worst part of it. + + +What I wanna know is, what were your experiences like? I need to know there are people out there who made it. Maybe there's something I can learn from it. I don't know. I wish there were other students to talk to in real life, who are in the same situation, but I'm not close to any, so... Yeah. ",Bipolar +46871,"Trying to cook! Ive recently decided that I need to actively take steps to be less underweight (Im anxious often and it ruins my appetite), so! I'm trying new things when I have free time! So far this week Ive cooked ramen stir fry, a steak/potato/asparagus dinner, and tonight I tried a new recipe for chicken alfredo. Everything has been way better than frozen or canned ""fast"" food I normally eat and although none of my meals turn out exactly as I would like I understand that no skill comes instantly. + +What hobbies have y'all picked up to cope?",Bipolar +46872,"Seperation anxiety from husband So, i dont know if this fits in the bipolar board or not but i dont know where else to post it. I have terrible separation anxiety from my husband. Like, terrible. Mostly because I'm so worried something bad is going to happen to him.. And i mean, i know theres nothing i can do really but it doesnt stop the worry. Anyway, i have it so bad that its a struggle for me to even be apart when he goes to work. I do a good job managing it and he doesnt really know (i dont think. Maybe he does) but his mom just invited him to visit (over 20 hours away) for 7 days. I was not invited (which im incredibly offended over but thats a whole 'nother post.) So now i'm stuck trying to piece together how im going to manage him being gone for SEVEN WHOLE DAYS. This trip isnt even until the end of october and I'm already having anxiety attacks over it. I cant tell him not to go, i cant be that person who says ""no you cant visit your mom"" but i will be a total mess for his entire away time and i know it. I literally cant handle it. I dont know what to do. How am i to handle this? Does anyone else have terrible seperation anxiety? How do you manage it? I am at my wits end over this and he hasnt even bought the plane ticket yet. Please help.",Bipolar +46873,"Had a really bad day Hey. This is my first post on the sub but I’ve really appreciated the sense of community for a while. If anyone is up/willing to chat I’m sort of at all loss for what to do right now. +I’ve been in a really deep depressive episode for a couple weeks now and I’m not doing great. I went to therapy this morning promising to be completely honest with my therapist, and I was. I told her I was feeling suicidal, had a plan, but probably wouldn’t act on it. I totally expected to be sectioned but she’s great and understood why I was saying I wouldn’t act on it. It was a good session but it left me feeling pretty shitty. Today was my day off so I didn’t really have anything to do all day so I came home from therapy and surprise surprise got drunk. I decided to drive out to this bridge in my town that’s known for people jumping off it and I kept telling myself I didn’t want to jump, I just wanted to take a look. I walked out over the bridge and stood there for a while and then I chickened out and went back to my car. I guess that was suspicion because about two minutes after I got in my car the police came rolling by, but didn’t see me. I sat there for a while and then drove home. +I don’t really know what to do. I feel suicidal but I guess I’m not that bad since I decided not to jump. I can’t check myself into a hospital for multiple reasons, partly because again, if I’m not really truly suicidal there are other people who need it more. I’m kinda freaked out right now and I don’t know what to do. ",Bipolar +46874,"Vyvanse and Bipolar 2 I don’t have ADHD or Binge Eating Disorder, let me preface this with that. + +I recently did some genetic testing through my psychiatrist and the results came back that I would highly benefit from stimulants, if I had the need to take them.(Also said I should never take SSRIs and all atypical antipsychotics will make me gain weight- fun facts) I know it’s very uncommon, and I’ve read some horrible things about having bipolar and taking stimulants (mania, psychosis, etc) but my pdoc put me on 20mg to see if it could help with my cognitive and executive function. + +Does anyone have experience with taking Vyvanse without one of the regular prescribed diagnosis? + +Also, if you take Vyvanse just in general, how did you deal with the crash? First day taking it and I feel like hell, it’s been about 10-11 hours since I took it now. + +Thanks!!",Bipolar +46875,"How do you deal with a downswing that has a clear cause? I've been swinging down pretty hard the past few weeks - And I know exactly why. My car died, and I was forced to buy a new one - Just after moving and furnishing a new apartment from scratch. My bank accounts are overdrawn, I don't have much food, I'm just barely scraping together money for gas and prescriptions. I'm dealing the the finality of the absolute end of a relationship. + +&#x200B; + +IT'S GOING TO GET BETTER. I can see, on the calendar, looking at my bills and my paychecks, when things will start to get easier financially. I'm not going to hurt myself, and I'm not suicidal. I feel like a med change isn't really the solution, because the meds I'm taking have kept me stable for years, and even if they change, my situation is still going to be shit. + +&#x200B; + +I'm taking my meds and seeing my therapist, but my therapist can only fit me in every other week (not that I could afford more copays right now anyway...) I'm working full time, and doing well at work, but that's literally ALL I'm doing. Being on time for work, being on the ball, and doing my job well is so exhausting that I literally cannot muster anything else. + +&#x200B; + +I'm sleeping 12-13 hours a night. I'm not showering. I'm not eating. + +&#x200B; + +Does any one have any practical, everyday advice? How do you keep motivated to push forward when it's going to get better but you just have to GET THERE?",Bipolar +46876,"Hey y'all, I made a new Album about my Mental Health Issues, Heartbreak, Loss and other deep topics.. I spent the last 5 months only working on this, neglecting my school to do this. I'd really appreciate if anybody would give it a listen. (also yes I am actually bipolar, I'm not bragging about it in the second song ) + +&#x200B; + + [https://soundcloud.com/tomniland/sets/aurora-the\_journey](https://soundcloud.com/tomniland/sets/aurora-the_journey) ",Bipolar +46877,"What are your talents? I write, produce and sing songs :) i also do fake nails and shit. + +I'm scared abilify is gonna take away my creativity :(",Bipolar +46878,"What are your psychotic episodes like? Is there a possibility that they’ve somehow taught you something (such as perspectives, life change, etc)? + +Share anything you’d like to, even if it has nothing to do with the topic. + +Take care everyone, and thank you for your time!",Bipolar +46879,"There is no help for the functionally depressed / suicidal I am depressed, I’ve been depressed for years. Right now I am in the midst of an especially bad depressive episode and I honestly I won’t fight any feelings if I want to kill myself and have a pretty solid plan when it happens. + +But I keep going, I get good grades, I get dressed everyday and most people are unable to see just how terrible I feel. + +I feel like I’m constantly put on the back burner, i would have to wait months to get into a therapist, I only see my doctor once a month at most, I’ve literally been told by the suicide hotline that there were more important calls to take. I feel like I can’t complain because from the outside I am doing f*cking awesome. If I did let the appearance slip everything would crumble around me, I’ve adopted the view that I’m either going to kill myself or not. Because experience says that no amount of help is going to matter. I don’t have friends, I don’t have family...it’s just me and I am not a good enough reason to keep going. I wish I had killed myself 10 years ago when I first starting really getting these feelings because it would have saved me a lot of pain. + +",Bipolar +46880,"Is this a delusion of reference? i believe photos can read my mind and they judge me for my actions/thoughts. although i talk to them a lot through my mind. as you can imagine grocery store line ups are the worst, because the magazines judge me and i’ve even stopped going grocery shopping with my mum because of the overwhelming anxiety it gives me.",Bipolar +46881,"""just ask for help"" isn't working I am \*curse word\* struggling. + +&#x200B; + +Background: I have been diagnosed by a PCP since 2012 with MDD, GAD. In 2016, I started seeing a male PCP in the south who told me he would handle my diagnosis unless he felt I needed to see a specialist. He changed me from Celexa to a high dose of Prozac, increased my Seroquel, put me on upto 9 Xanax a day, as well as Klonpin. Diagnosed me with ADHD, and started adderall. He changed my meds a few times saying I did not need to wean off or on as they were in the same family....I ended up in ER twice. Had several Manic breakdowns/hysterical fits (i didn't consider bipolar at the time), lost time....then over christmas, he left and the other dr refused to process my xanax refill and I went through 2 weeks of withdrawal. When he returned, he apologized and said, ""I'm surprised you're here, most people don't make it through that alive without hospitalization....I stopped going outside of needed refills. In 2018, I had no insurance and my partner and I decided I would probably be okay going off meds for a bit, and use cannabis (legal here) as the previous Dr had suggested. + +&#x200B; + +That is when things got bad. My symptoms blew up, and I started changing (I also turned 25). I've never been an ""angry"" person, not even when I should be. All of a sudeen I couldn't make it through work. I couldnt think. My moods were changing, and I would have a week or two, and then literally not be able to do ANYTHING for weeks. The house started getting messier, I wasn't cooking or eating, canceling shifts left and right, couldn't think or read through anything....My partner started expressing conern over my need to ""at least get back on seroquel and adderall"". In august, our dog died traumatically. PTSD symptoms fllared. My partner has BPD, anxiety, and depression that is not medicated. His anxiety sending me into full panic attacks and anger. + +&#x200B; + +I got insurance this year, and January I requested an appointment with a PCP. She immeadiately referred me to a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. First available appointment for therapy is March 25. Med appointment with Psych not available until April 9. Doctor calls and asks for urgent appointments. psych calls and says they can make an exception and get me in on April 7, I decline as 2 days isn't enough to move my off request from work. PCP has me come in to address medicine and for ""safety checks"", mentioning inpatient options. I can't do that. It is not an option. I have laid out my sypmtoms and cited that my sister and father have Bipolar disorder. My chart says ""Bipolar 2 suspected but not formally diagnosed, depression, anxiety, adhd nos.) + +&#x200B; + +Today I went in, telling her it seems my depression has improved marginally but my anxiety has been horrible and constant. shaking constanty, not sleeping, headaches, and picking my skin on my face and arms worse than I have in a year (i skin pick with anxiety). She ups the limotrigene literally making me take more in the office, ultimate goal of upping to 200 mg in two weeks. She puts me back on Seroquel, and then tells me she would like to take me off the adderall and wished she had not started it as she attended a conference for ""patient's in crisis"" and they expressed the need to treat Bipolar or other disorders before ADHD and adderall. Says it may be part of the anxiety. I tell her I think it is a bad idea as it is the only improvement I have had to mood, ability to get out of bed, and work- and it seems to sometimes help the anxiety probably because I can think somewhat clearly. She then tells me to come in next week, and that the psych doc may completely change my meds in two weeks, and he or she may still take me off of Adderall. Hopes the seroquel will aid in sleep, picking, and anxiety, as well as upping the limotrigine. Perscribes me nothing for the panic, constant anxiety, not even refilling the 5 mg of Lorazepam she previously would give me 5-10 at a time. To be fair, I told her it wasn't doing much of anything and I did not ask for a refill today- thinking she would perscribe SOMETHING to help me. + +&#x200B; + +I am completely overwhelmed. I have been screaming for help for months and all I have been able to get from it has been constant med changes (which I know is a thing but....), wants to take me off the only thing that is helping, and just basically having them hope I'll make it through until the med appointment, and checking weekly to see if I have killed myself or been admitted yet. The idea of going off the adderall literally crushed me. The mention of starting completely over was too much. I was literally crying and shaking the entire time I was in the appointment. I didn't ask for this. I am barely holding on. My social life is gone, I can't make any commitment by the time it comes up either from anxiety, depression, or complete exhaustion. I didn't ask for this. I can't enjoy things. I can't breathe or stop shaking. My mouth is twiching from constantly holding it in a weird position to prevent my chin from shaking. I'm falling apart and everyone see's it, but there is nothing they can do? How am I supposed to do this? Killing myself wouldn't even matter. It would make everything worse for the people already suffering from me, I'd just be another number on a statistic sheet, and other people would still go through this. I have lost 13 friends, 10 to suicide. One was a fucking psychologist. + +&#x200B; + +TLDR; this process of waiting and changing meds while waiting for 3 months for psych is too much. Any help appreciated. Even just empathy or your experience. Thanks <3",Bipolar +46882,"Lifeless mode- advice appreciated Hi. I just want to say, thank God for meds that have made me come down from manic episodes of sexapades and erarrtic behaviors of last few years ..adgitation, running away etc. Bipolar meds help. + +I'm feeling good and stable now. This year has been fine. But I've just litterally been in my bed, listening to talk radio, on my phone , smoking my vape pen, hardly getting out . I'm not depressed. I went through a depression last year and got through that with the right medication, and now I feel just a static of nothingness. I just don't do anything at all. I have no motivation to leave my room. It's weird. Not even shop or goto the beach, listen to music. Has this happend to anyone ? How long does this funk last for? How can I get out of it? I turn on my music but I just turn it back off and want to crawl back in bed. I'm not at all sad. Just unmotivated to do anything but sit and lay around. It's the weirdest thing. It's been going on for a few months. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you for reading. ",Bipolar +46883,Tired I’m so tired of being tired ,Bipolar +46884,"Manic Depression vs Bipolar I see a lot of discussion on this subreddit about the method in which you choose to explain to people how you “have bipolar disorder” or “are bipolar.” Recently, I’ve noticed that within the context of suicide and famous artists (Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Anthony Bourdain, etc), these individuals are often deemed as suffering from “manic depression.” Manic depression, from my understanding, is the former terminology used to describe bipolar disorder. I’m curious to know if anyone else out there prefers this terminology? If so, why? + +Anyway... thoughts? ",Bipolar +46885,"Tips for Anger Management I've got a lot of new things happening in my life right now and the chaos and stress are causing me to become almost enraged over the tiniest things. For example my SO not picking up after himself is causing me to really wanna tear shit up and just fucking lose it. + +I am currently unmedicated and I really dont feel like this would be cause to get on any. I just need to know I'm not alone and some techniques yall might have learned to help. ",Bipolar +46886,"Gotta keep occupied Ugh. I've been unemployed and out of school for two weeks now. I finished my masters program on the 17th and my last day of work was the 15th. I'm applying to a million jobs right now. But I have always done so much better with structure and routine. It's only been two weeks and I already feel myself slipping into a depressed episode. I realized today I hasn't gotten dressed or left my house in 5 days. I went for a 2 mile walk today, just to get dressed and out of the house. My sister (who I live with) even commented on the fact that I was dressed today. I can feel myself slipping but not sure what to do about it. I dont have any income so I cant go out and do much right now, nothing that costs money at least. And I dont have a car either to really go anywhere. I just dont want to get stuck in a depression right now when so much of my life needs to be changing. Any suggestions on creating some sort of structure and routine when I have no job, no classes, and no money? I'm thinking about trying to go walking everyday just to get out of the house. And also getting up and getting dressed even if I have nowhere to go. I want this mini vacation to be over already and back to an 8-5 job where things are predictable. I hate not having anything to do. ",Bipolar +46887,Doctor only gave me enough meds for 7 days I’m pretty sure it’s because I was extremely ‘dark’ at my appointment this week and he didn’t want me to have access to excess pills BUT this means I don’t have enough meds for 2 weeks until my next appointment. Is it safe to half my dose of lamictal (100 mg to 50mg) until my next appointment? He’s out of office until my next appointment so I don’t really have any other options ,Bipolar +46888,"I need energy! So back in September I finally came out of a multi-year depression, and since then I’ve been getting CBT which has helped so much. But I’m still dealing with daily fatigue. I have a fairly light school/work schedule right now and it still tires me out. I feel like I’m really being held back by it and worried I won’t be able to go away to grad school. I’m exhausted from the moment I get up in the morning, and I’m finding it really hard to sit down and write. It’s mental as well as physical fatigue, hard to focus my brain on anything. I miss feeling “sharp”. + +I’m dx’d BP2 + BPD + OCD tendencies, but I haven’t experienced true hypomania in a very long time—I’m more prone to mixed episodes/irritability. I *do* experience occasional psychotic episodes (paranoia, delusions, that make my brain feel like it's been electrocuted and often leaves me ""hungover""), but these (in addition to most of my self harm urges) seem to be a result of the BPD as opposed to the Bipolar. I’ve been on lamotrigine (225 mg) since 2012/2013 + went on bupropion (Wellbutrin) almost 2 years ago (200 mg). The bupro I went on to try to bring myself out of depression; it worked a bit, and I tolerate it, but nothing miraculous. + +Now that I’m not in a depression, though, and I’m *still* so tired, I’m wondering what else to do. My doctor ran a bunch of bloodwork and my iron was kinda low, but taking iron supplements hasn’t fixed anything. I even tried taking Cytomel despite (hypo end of) normal thyroid testing, but it made me very ragey and I had to stop. My Dr’s temp suggested that maybe it’s the lamotrigine causing fatigue, which is interesting, and I might try bringing it down a titch, but a couple years ago I lowered it a bit (under supervision) and my self-harm urges went up. But I also want to try lowering it a bit for brain fog reasons (i.e., it gives me brain fog). + +So! While that’s something I can try, I’m also wondering about energizing adjuncts. Wellbutrin is not giving me energy (or, if it is, I’d hate to see how I am without it)—(nor is it raising my libido or suppressing my cravings; it just seems to have given me tinnitus but I’m still worried about going off it because this is still the most stable/non-depressed I’ve been in years). Tbh at the end of last semester I turned to energy drinks in desperation, and—they don’t make me manic? Sometimes I barely feel them. Still, those are obviously not great to be using. + +So I’ve been looking into modafinil/armodafinil, and Vyvanse … I imagine I would stay on lamotrigine because I overall tolerate it and it seems to be doing *something* … + +Sorry this is rambly, and yes I’ve used search for past threads but— + +**tl;dr – Any thoughts on adding modafinil/armodafinil** ***or*** **Vyvanse to lamotrigine? Any other ideas on ways to gain energy? Is this the lamotrigine? The bipolar itself? Something else??** + +Thanks all!!",Bipolar +46889,"Diagnosed today Hello everyone! +Left the doctor today telling me I have ‘severe depression’ and ‘bipolar 1 disorder’ +Ah honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders so I can hopefully acknowledge the feelings I have going forward and hopefully get the help I need to feel like myself. + +So she tried putting me on medication but I personally feel like the diagnoses was rushed and there’s more than just what she asked me about. So she referred me to a psychiatrist and I have a follow up with her in a week. + +Baby steps ... but I feel oddly emotionally validated cuz before I thought I just was being weak when I was down and think ‘ oh you’re not depressed you were happy asa clam yesterday’ +",Bipolar +46890,"Anxiety related to BP I have intense anxiety. To the point of affecting my jobs, relationships, pretty much everything. Tell me I'm not alone and what helps you. I'm on 3mg Ativan 3x a day. They help to an extent but make me very sleepy.",Bipolar +46891,"Lamictal success stories Does anybody here take lamictal? If so, what dose and how long and can you guys please share your experiences? +Thanks in advance ??",Bipolar +46892,[Cross-post] World Bipolar Day AMA on r/IAmA! - We are a psychology teacher with bipolar disorder and a professor of psychiatry from an international research team working to improve lives of people with BD - Ask us anything! Join us at r/IAmA! - [reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/b6zhfx/we\_are\_a\_psychology\_teacher\_with\_bipolar\_disorder/](https://reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/b6zhfx/we_are_a_psychology_teacher_with_bipolar_disorder/),Bipolar +46893,"FINALLY employed again, and as a result, severely depressed again I guess this is just what my life is going to be: any little change and things just become hopeless, desperate, unbearable in my head. Infrequently I get lucky and stress will catalyze a short upswing, but more often it's this. I was *so* *happy* to get this job. It felt like I was finally closing the chapter that landed me in the psych ward a few months ago. The start of my new life. But I feel destroyed, incapable of anything - forget building a life, can I even keep an entry level job? Can I perform the basic operations of said job without feeling the need to go to the bathroom and cry? + +My main takeaway is this: for all the progress I make, sooner or later it gets taken away. My experience of cyclical mood disorder prevents upward trend, it's fluctuation in stasis. I project this into the future and don't see a life worth living. Even if by some miracle I am able to ""build"" a ""life,"" I will feel the same ways about it. ",Bipolar +46894,People who're doing well on Lamotrogine; what dose are you on? I saw a post where a lot of people were calling it a life saver. I've been on it about a year now and I seemed to have plateaued a while ago and am now slipping a bit. I'm on 150mg a day. Just wondered what dose people were taking. Maybe I need to speak to my doc about an increase?,Bipolar +46895,"How do you make a loved one understand? My SO does not deal with any mental illness himself. But more than that he was misdiagnosed as a teen as having severe mental illness and was medicated. He now holds a lot of resentment towards the field in general. + +&#x200B; + +I have Bipolar II. I have suffered for years and years. No medications work, though I did have great luck with dTMS. A full year of no depression and no suicidal thoughts. I thought I was in heaven, I swear. + +&#x200B; + +But that's all worn off now. I'm taking my medicine, I'm trying my hardest, but it's just not working. I'm having full meltdowns nearly daily and it's only a matter of time before I need to commit myself again. This time last year I did a 10 day stint in the psych ward after a suicide attempt. And those feelings are back and so so strong. + +&#x200B; + +My SO keeps my medicine under lock and key, luckily. But now ECT is on the table. He doesn't think the time off work is justified nor the cost. But he doesn't understand. I could die. And if I do attempt and it doesn't work, the hospital bills for inpatient treatment are going to be far higher than the cost of ECT, plus I would very likely lose my job. + +&#x200B; + +He says if this was cancer, and I needed 6 weeks off work for chemo, it would be a different story. Cancer is killing you, depression is just rough. How do I explain that I'm dying? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B;",Bipolar +46896,Tomorow is Bap day.. What are u going to do? It says 30.03 we shoud spread awareness acceptance let people know about bipolar disorder and so on. But im thinking about doing something for myself to make myself happier. As we are bap i think we all can do something to enjoy tomorow. I feel so out lately and a little bit sleepy or depressed and i dont know. Just let me know if you have some idea what to do tomorow.. Thanks. Love u all :) ,Bipolar +46897,"my medicine regimen. 1500mg lithium +100mg anafranil +20mg abilfy +1800mg gabapentin +45mg buspar +.8mg clonodine + +taken daily. i feel kind of normal but keep being told i’m over medicated. GAD, OCD, rapid-cycling BIP. + +feedback?",Bipolar +46898,"Grateful to be doing good This is the first time I’ve remembered World Bipolar Day on the actual day, and I’m just happy to be doing good these days. Last month marks 15 years since I was diagnosed, and I can honestly say life is way better since then. There have been ups and downs (way more depression than mania) and it never completely went away, but I’m feeling solid. I’ve got a support network that kicks ass and I just feel safe. + +It took a while to get here, but I never want to go back. My advice? Stick with the therapy and stay honest. And keep fighting.",Bipolar +46899,"Cognitive-Behavioral Function/Dysfunction vs. Mood Disorder I have never felt that my bipolar is a “mood disorder”. My upbringing and career have made me into someone who is not very in touch with my emotions and moods... I have always been turned off by my pdoc’s suggestion to keep a “mood journal”. + +I’ve always seen my moods or moments of happiness/sadness etc as situational. It is difficult for me to look back at periods of my life and discern any mood swings in the context of bipolar. + +Recently, my therapist (a new therapist for me) posed a question: “Are you feeling X or Y? ... those are common in mood disorders...” + +My response was to reject the term “mood disorder” as a descriptor for my bipolar. I said that my experience of bipolar is one of different phases of cognitive-behavioral function or dysfunction. Depression isn’t depressed mood but a decrease in the quality of my functioning (but I can still function if I push myself). Baseline is functioning. The hypomania spectrum is higher functioning (I’ve developed a way to focus hypomania on school/work so I don’t spin out). Mania is complete inability to function [within the confines of societal norms]. + +And while mania includes a euphoria feedback loop, I see it more than a sub-symptom of delusions- a “mood” that is solely born out of the far-between, brief psychotic states rather than an everyday experience of the majority of my life with bipolar. + +And I understand depression and hypomania encompass behaviors and functional levels that are not necessarily strictly associated with moods/emotions, but when it comes to actual moods and emotions, I feel like that is something outside of my bipolar experience. I can stay in bed until noon but still have a great day (or whether I have a good/bad day is dependent on whatever people/stimuli I come across). I can be hypomanic over a work project but then go home at night and get sad due to loneliness. All kinds of combinations of emotionally-neutral activity with situationally-based emotion on any given day. + +Anybody else experience bipolar this way? Accepting the bipolar diagnosis but don’t see it as a mood disorder or don’t identify your experience as a “mood disorder”?",Bipolar +46900,"NSFW! I'm terrified I just lost my job. It was completely my fault. I'm so sick of being a complete disappointment to everyone. I know that if I didn't exist everyone I know would be better off including (especially) my daughter. I am trying to get up the courage to do what I need to and I want to say good bye and I love you, but I'm afraid people will think I'm just being dramatic. I'm sorry I just thought it would help to put this out there instead of just journaling. ",Bipolar +46901,"Choosing between physical and mental health. I was having severe stomach problems, so my physical doc took me off my Vraylar cold turkey and the results weren't good. When I felt better, I wrote an essay about it (and other things, health care, the ability to talk to your loved ones when in crisis, etc) recently published by As It Ought To Be Magazine. I'm bipolar 1 and a poet and essayist. I wasn't diagnosed until 45 years old. Before then life was a heck of a roller coaster. I'm mostly high-functioning now. I work as an English prof. Happy World Bipolar Day! [https://asitoughttobemagazine.com/2019/03/29/frankly-im-not-doing-well-by-daniel-crocker/?fbclid=IwAR1aB\_aQbULtEJIpzWWbkBSRXG6maTo6fjVvob89HwfnvY8bxwgVWFzMNdE](https://asitoughttobemagazine.com/2019/03/29/frankly-im-not-doing-well-by-daniel-crocker/?fbclid=IwAR1aB_aQbULtEJIpzWWbkBSRXG6maTo6fjVvob89HwfnvY8bxwgVWFzMNdE)",Bipolar +46902,"The warm glow fades as it casts shadows of doubt That's the problem with becoming close to someone so quickly. The stars line up, and suddenly a light flickers in the ever present darkness. Everything is new. It is bright and exciting again. Life has meaning. It has purpose. + +Reality has it's own plans, to which remaining blissfully unaware can provide a temporary sense of comfort when staring into the face of eternity. Depending on others for happiness is a reliable way to perpetually avoid adressing the root causes that prevent you from finding it within yourself. + +Even an otherwise functional and healthy relationship will crumble under the weight of one sides inability to truly form a connection, given they lack the emotional stability needed to build a solid foundation. + +You know by now that isn't the solution. Light cannot lift the darkness from outside the source. It will just burn out of control, leaving you with yet another fire to put out, and smoke further clouding your eyes.",Bipolar +46903,"Feeling weird about my meds muting my feelings potentially? I don't know. I had wildly bad, totally untreated BPII for about fifteen years, sine I was a kid, so I honestly don't think I know what normal is. It's weird because I've had med combos in the past that seem to have muted my good feelings and my bad feelings, and that sucks in its own right, but that's not really what's happening now. 2019 has been an absolute shit year for me on an actual non-mental health level, lots of life problems, and I'm just...handling it? Not really bummed out about any of it? I mean, I'm stressed, but I don't know. + +As an example, my grandmother just passed away and I did cry a bit but overall I don't feel much. She was quite old and it's an inevitable fact of life. It sucks but what can you do? Has anyone experienced this, I guess I would almost categorize it as apathy? But I'm happy and excited about things, so it's not really apathy all the way through. Is this what being normal feels like? :I Sorry if this seems like a brag about doing well, it's really not, I just want to know if anyone else has been here. I am so so so grateful that after a shit load of trying different things my meds are working for me these days, and I recognize and fully support people that are struggling.",Bipolar +46904,"Reminder that we are all valid When I'm having a good week, I often have people I work with make comments about me not being sick anymore (I'm really open about my mental health in hopes of destigmatizing it or to raise awareness or whatever) or if I am able to smile and laugh in the middle of a depressive episode then I get comments about how I mustn't be ""that sad."" I also often find myself comparing my experiences and where I am currently with the rest of you, and I find that I often feel like because I don't go so severe into mania in my standard cycle (except when a severe episode was caused by SSRI's) I feel like I don't belong, or like I'm making things up. So I'm making this reminder for anyone who might occasionally find themselves feeling the same way. We are all different. We all react to different medications or treatment plans differently. We're an abnormal bunch of people, and that's fucking great. At the end of it all, we are all valid. We all belong here. This is a community for all our different levels of crazy. And the level of support I have seen in my short time here has been overwhelming. I adore you all. Thanks for reading my little ramble.",Bipolar +46905,"Made process ln acceptance and combating shame I've always been the type of guy who tried to hide my diagnosis, like if nobody knew it wouldn't exist or something + I just got disability for my Bipolar 1 and have made a lot of progress in seeing myself as equal to others even as someone who has struggled with mental health + I was talking with someone at my gym and they asked me what I did for a living (a question I used to fear extremely since I had to stop working) + I was able to tell the upfront truth to them that I was getting disability for problems with mental health. I wasn't hesitant with the truth, didn't downplay my diagnosis or make a cheap joke about it. + I know for others to accept me, I have to accept myself, I've made a lot of progress in that regard, it may be the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time +",Bipolar +46906,"Feeling like I’ve changed so much that my friends don’t find my interesting anymore I don’t know if it’s the meds or not for certain, but around the time I got stable a couple years ago and went on a new med my personality changed somewhat. I used to talk constantly, I always had something to say. I was also a bit of a wild card so people often found me entertaining. + +But now I don’t talk so much and I no longer feel full of energy. There will be times when I hang out with friends and there are long awkward silences. + +I went on a couple dates with a guy a couple weeks ago and he kept telling me that I seemed really tired. I wasn’t. Apparently I’m boring now. + +Just needed to vent. It’s worth it to be stable now but I miss the version on myself when I was unstable.",Bipolar +46907,What's wrong with me My whole life is failure after failure. I have never felt like I belong anywhere I'm standing since kindergarten. Everyone leaves me no one ever understands and I don't think I understand myself anymore. I keep trying to get better but I fail every time and I don't know what to do anymore. I've been alone my entire life no matter how many people are around me and I don't understand why or what to do anymore I can't keep being alone but I'm too afraid to do anything because I know I'll fail like every time,Bipolar +46908,"Inspired by the other post: lamictal solo treatment? In the last 1.5 years I’ve taken a ton of medications, Wellbutrin, adderall, abilify, seroquel, Zoloft, gabapentin, propranolol, hydroxozine are a few. I spent 2 weeks in a hospital last May for a mixed episode. For the majority of that time my main mix was lithium, lamictal, and latuda. After months of tapering (mostly due to weight gain and acne side effects), I’m down to just 250 mg latuda (with Xanax/Ativan as needed). Does anyone have experience with being only on lamictal? After being told my some doctors that my bipolar will never be able to be treated with one medication, I’ve been a bit nervous about this ",Bipolar +46909,"Bipolar/In a relationship/Struggling Hi, I'm an almost 22 year old female who has been diagnosed by 4 different psychiatrists with Bipolar type 1. I have also been in impatient once and am currently treated for my mental illness through therapy and medication (lithium and streamline). + +After feeling good and manageable for a decent amount of time, I entered into a relationship and have been with him now for 6 months. It's hard. + +I don't know how to explain this... But my reality and perception is constantly compromised by my mental state. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming... And when I snap out of it or come back from it... It feels like it never happened, but still leaving those I love confused and hurt. + +I get scared of myself and sometimes don't recognize myself and just seeing a glimpse of myself in the mirror is scary. I feel like a whole other person. + +My anxiety that the ups and downs brings leads me to want to make impulsive decisions such as cutting out those I love, including my boyfriend. Feeling cozy and settled with him or anyone scares me and even happy moments send me fear that makes me want to run. But I don't really want to leave. I just don't what to do? + +I feel torn between wanting to take care of it myself or want a lot of love and comfort. Just another human in the room reassuring me that everything is under control makes me feel grounded and overrides my emotional illusions. + +One misconceptions leaves me simmering in sorrow for days and days and even up to a month. One sentence feels like it could make or break me. And one reactions feels like it can end my life if it comes from someone close to me... Ecspecially if it involves a negative, failing perception I have about myself. + +I feel like I can't do it. Between the sorrow, constant confusion, frustration, and pure exhaustation my brain imposes on me... I want to die a lot. And think about it regularly then feel guilty and resentful about how it would hurt those I care about. I wish I got murdered quite frankly. I can't control that, but it would be nice. That's just bluntly how I feel and what I want since no one here knows my real identity. + +I try to pretend I have no issues by being fully invested and loved at work. I feel like I have to earn acceptance in my work life but also my personal life because of the burden my mental illness places on others for even knowing me. + +I love being productive, getting things done, and I'm very goal orientated... And I get so fucking pissed and feel like a failure to everyone but especially myself when my mental illness damages days, weeks, and even months worth of plans or goals. + +There's so much more I can say. But I really just want to know or hear from people that get it, that understand, that know what I'm talking about. I want to how you deal with. I feel like I'm literally crazy at times. + +Thank you.",Bipolar +46910,"Does anyone else have adverse reactions to touch when coming out of an episode? I just had a minor freakout over something I said, basically I told my boyfriend I wasn't up for D&D tonight (which he was okay with) but I feel like I ruin everything and I hid myself away in the bathroom. + +I ended up getting really angry at myself during this and threw my phone at the wall, which prompted my mother to come upstairs and ask what was going on. I blew up at her and told her ""everything's fine, just please leave me alone"" (which was obviously yelled, not calmly spoken). + +I then moved to my room and started sobbing which prompted my boyfriend to come in and try to comfort me. We talked it out and I started to calm down, but when he was rubbing my back it felt like my skin was burning so I pulled away. I don't really know how to describe it other than an adverse tactile reaction to touch. I notice it a lot after I have a breakdown like this. + +TL;DR had mini-breakdown, lashed out and regretted it, talked it out with boyfriend and when he tried to physically comfort me it felt like my skin was burning. ",Bipolar +46911,"To depressed to shower? We all know to hit the hotspots with baby wipes, reapply deodorant, febreze clothes, spray some cologne, use some dry shampoo. But if your feet stink, the best, fastest way to curb it is to use a household antibacterial cleaning spray. A few squirts of 409 and your foot stank is a distant memory. ",Bipolar +46912,"If you have to take a med with a certain amount of calories how long can you wait after eating? So I take Geodon at night and my psychiatrist told me to take it with 350 calories. Normally when I'm at home I eat 4 tablespoons of peanut butter and take the Geodon. + +But if I go out and have a big dinner how big of a window do I have to take the Geodon? Will it still work if I take it an hour later? Half an hour? + +",Bipolar +46913,Lithium solo treatment? Recently my doctor is pairing back my anti-psychotic so I will soon be solo lithium. He upped the lithium a bit to curb any discontinuation mania and I’m a week into tapering off. Anyone who is solo lithium with good experiences? Looking for a little encouragement and any advice if you have it! ,Bipolar +46914,"Mania and crafts I'm awake. I have been wide awake since 3 am. I know that it is in part due to my (maybe? hopefully? tapering off) mania and in part my new med. + +I have so many craft, gift, and furniture rearrangement ideas. They're all floating in and out of my brain and they all sound amazing; it is absolute torture that I need to wait another 6 hours for the fabric store to open and before anyone gets too concerned I only need a yard and a quarter of fabric so hopefully it's a cheap visit. + +If my husband wasn't asleep right now I'd be taking furniture apart right now to fill the time and to make getting it downstairs easier. If my gym was open I could fill this time productively, or at least in a hot tub. Ugh. + +How do you guys fill up antsy hours? It's been a long time since the 3am ""gotta make shit"" style mania hit me.",Bipolar +46915,"Obsession as a feature of (hypo)mania? Around 2 years ago I spent a solid month with classic hypomanic features (feelings of grandiosity, sleeping less, immense productivity, etc). + +Afterward, though, the euphoria ebbed away. Instead, I became utterly obsessed with a friend. And whenever she got remotely close to someone else, I became *utterly convinced* that I was getting abandoned, and would sometimes do crazy things to try averting it. + +It wasn't even like the catastrophising that happens when I'm anxious/depressed. I truly 100% believed that Fate Itself had ordained she was destined to leave and no amount of logical thinking could convince me otherwise. + +Basically — do you think that might have been hypomania/a mixed episode? The psych I saw said that my ""feelings of being under-appreciated"" were a feature of depression, which makes sense given my low self esteem and self-harming tendencies in that period. But I don't think I was depressed? Depressed me never has so much obsessive energy. And in fact it was when I got properly depressed and anhedonic that the obsession gradually went away. + +(Also I'm currently going through a mixed episode (I think) and am really obsessed with self harm :// )",Bipolar +46916,"Advice for Communicating with Psychiatrist? So I've seen this guy on three separate occasions and the first time we met, he seemed very serious about only meeting with me if I stayed compliant with my medication. Honestly, I have a problem with doing so because I've been a bit self-destructive and purposely go off of medication to ""feel"" something or to induce mania. + +Well, after having a particularly bad depressive episode after a particularly bad manic episode that started to become psychotic (seeing shadow people, forming complex delusions, thinking my assailant is after me again), I'm struggling to figure out how I'm going to talk to him about dumping my seroquel down the toilet. + +Truth be told, like I've read many others say, seroquel makes me feel dead. It helps regulate sleep, but I hardly function in the day and it does a damn good job of making me in a continual depressive state. I told him when he tried to re-prescribe it to me the first time I met him after being out of the psychiatric hospital ... and he didn't listen to me or take me seriously when I told him it makes me suicidal. :c + +So now that I broke my promise of not taking my seroquel, idk how to communicate to him that I don't trust him. He didn't even refill my lithium after we first met, so I was rapid cycling all of February. I feel like an emotional train wreck and the seroquel helped me crash from my manic episode last week, but this depressive episode this week was god awful. + +Should I just find a new psychiatrist if I don't feel like he is helping me and I don't trust him? Being on Medicaid makes my life more difficult. If it helps, I have type I with psychotic features and PTSD. + +Thank you in advance for helping. I've found this subreddit so supportive and not knowing anyone with bipolar disorder, I don't feel as completely out of my mind seeing so many similarities to other people with my diagnosis. I appreciate you all!",Bipolar +46917,"People with breasts Through mania and medications I managed to lose so much weight I now have the smallest breasts in my life. +Maybe this isn’t the place but I’m p angry about it. I lost a lost of weight, unhealthily, but like, god fuck. +I also worry, maybe it’s new med, I’m gonna enter mania soon. ",Bipolar +46918,"What careers can BP sufferers succeed in? To start let’s just say I’ve had a very hard time getting my career together. Took me seven years to get a bachelors degree in Information Systems. My grades in subjects that interest me I excelled in, and anything else I usually failed or received a sympathy D. + +My first Job out of college I was happy for about 6 months, then I started struggling. This was well before I was diagnosed and started having intense panic attacks. I was able to hold that job for another year before I was let go right in the middle of the Great Recession. + +So I tried to freelance however I struggled. I would program for hours upon hours until I would crash after a few days. That led to poor quality work and I was in over my head. It was the perfect example of being overly ambitious and it led to me abusing Xanax to try and reduce the anxiety. I literally forgot two weeks of my life off of one binge. + +Luckily I was diagnosed and got on the right medications. I’ve been sober for quite a few years, but I’ve had very little luck becoming financially independent. That’s kind of the cruelest thing about it because my mood has improved, however I’m still spinning my wheels. I’m getting older and feel like I’m running out of time to build any type of meaningful career. + +My question is what careers have bipolar sufferers been able to excel in? Is there anything that fits the personality type so to speak? Seriously need to know what careers would accept someone who is only productive 6 months out of the year and burns out quickly. I feel I need to work in a field completely different than what I’m in because it’s just not working.",Bipolar +46919,"5 years Today marks 5 years without being inpatient, which is a huge achievement for me. I spent a lot of time inpatient as a young adult. I probably spent more time as an inpatient than out between 17-19 years old, and then in and out for years after that. I've had some close calls with manic episodes but I've managed to keep things from getting to the point where it's a crisis. + +I'm proud of myself! It also marks 5 years of keeping the same career choice which is another huge one for me. I used to flip flop and jump from job to job so much. I'm glad I was finally ablation to find something I enjoyed, which probably helped keep my episodes from being as serious as before. + +You can do it! It's possible, even if things seem bleak. 12 years ago I tried to kill myself and was ready to die and even though sometimes those feelings return I know it's just the bipolar and not me.",Bipolar +46920,"Does anyone have a good diet they follow that seems to help symptoms? I'm bipolar 2 and have just been diagnosed prediabetic (thank you Seroquel!). I have an exercise plan, but I was trying to a modified Mediterranean diet, basically about 50% of veggies, some chicken & fish, a tiny bit of whole grains (not daily), tiny bit of hard cheese and yogurt. Light on grains because of the prediabetes. + +Well, damn if I didn't start having low level symptoms. Can't fall asleep at night without extra seroquel. Snappier with my child than I want to be, and for no real reason, leaving doors open, windows down, losing things. Low level stuff, but signs that more is coming if I can't nip it in the bud. + +I started thinking about it and realized that my first real hypomanic episode happened after I decided to eat nothing but fruits & veggies for a month. Two weeks in & things went bad. + +Does anybody have a diet they follow specifically for BPD? Is there any research on this? I never thought I'd be worried I was eating too many vegetables.",Bipolar +46921,"help - friend in need - will delusions from an episode last when my friend is fully recovered? Hi - I don't know if this is allowed and I want to preface this by saying that I am going to ask my friend's doctor as well. I was hoping that people might point me in the direction of some research - I've tried googling and haven't had any lucky myself. + +&#x200B; + +My friend had an adverse reaction a psych medication that triggered a manic episode that turned into psychosis. He is in the hospital now and is receiving help. I'm just worried -- he's made some very serious (and unfounded) accusations about his boss during this episode. I'm worried about him keeping his job. When he's recovered, will he continue to believe these delusions? Or will those thoughts go away? I want to make it clear that before the manic episode/pyschosis he had NEVER said anything about his boss like this - he would mention criticisms here and there but it was a very grounded professional relationship. ",Bipolar +46922,"[SURVEY] Participate in a Research Study on Interpersonal Stress and Suicide Risk (18+; $50 gift card raffle) I am a doctoral student in Fordham University’s Mood and Behaviors Lab, conducting a study on the role of personality, interpersonal stress, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. The study aims to investigate whether there is a relationship between certain personality characteristics and suicidal thoughts and/or behaviors, and how perceptions of interpersonal stress and relationships with close others may play a role. **You do not need to have a history of suicidal thoughts and/or behaviors to participate.** + +You must be 18 years of age or older. Your participation is completely voluntary and you can end the study at any time, and all data is confidential. After completion of the study, you may enter a raffle to win one of two possible $50 e-gift cards. + +If you are interested in participating in the study, please click on the link below. **You must take this survey on a desktop or laptop computer.** This study should take approximately one hour to complete. + +[https://fordham.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eyxdAL1elTNHeyV](https://fordham.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eyxdAL1elTNHeyV) + +We hope that this research helps us better understand risk factors for suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Thank you very much for your time!",Bipolar +46923,"Questions for you people, who are bipolar. Hey, I'm actually not bipolar, but my ex-girlfriend is and I had some questions regarding the disorder. I hope that this is allowed on this subreddit, if it isn't then I'm sorry. + +We dated for 2 years. Before we got together she was in a manic episode and then afterwards we got together. At this point I didn't even know that she was bipolar. She had social anxiety, schizophrenia and depressions, the same as me, so we worked perfectly together. We would sit at home, playing videogames and were just enjoying the company of the other person. + +Then her life changed. She finally found the motivation to get into a new class and I think this is what triggered the manic episode. She was suddenly a complete other person, she spent like 1000$ (all she had) on creative things and new hobbies. She was really outgoing, which I wasn't used to at all. And then it happened. She met with another guy. Then she met a second time with him. Until then I just thought she is finally making friends, but then she cancelled a date with me to go out partying with the guy and another friend of hers. That was the moment I realised something was seriously wrong. We had a talk. She didn't cheat, but she also made it pretty clear that she does not want the relationship anymore. I asked her why and she couldn't even give me an answer. She tried to explain it by ""feeling like she is trapped in a cage."" and I first thought that she meant she wants sex with other guys, but no. She told me she misses the time from before the relationship (her last manic episode). And yes I know that it sounds like she cheated, but she didn't, I know this for a fact. + +Even more things happened. She proposed the idea of a 1 month relationship break (without cheating). I agreed. And I think that was the time where the manic episode manifested itself completely. + +After 1 month I texted her and her response clearly showed me that there is no spark of common sense left in her. She didn't care about anything anymore. She straight up told me that she knew 3 weeks ago already that it won't work. She told me she is currently at a restaurant with another guy and she will bring him with her later to pick up her stuff. When she arrived she had completely new clothes, a new haircut, tons of make-up. + +BUT I also knew that she did not do any of this to hurt me. It was pretty obvious that she didn't really have a clue what her actions did anymore. It was almost like a child that just wants to have fun and that doesn't even realise how his actions affect other people. + +1 week later I visited her parents to get back my stuff and they just cried and told me they don't know what's wrong with her and that she is behaving really weirdly lately. + +So now my questions for you guys : What will happen once her manic episode is over ? Will she feel regret and shame ? And what can I do to prevent that ? She tried to commit suicide multiple times in the past and I'm almost sure that once she realises what she has done, that she will do it again. And the last times I was there for her, but I'm scared that she is too ashamed to contact me this time. After the break up I texted her that she can contact me anytime, but I'm not sure if she will do it. I mean, what happens to you guys once the manic episode is over ? And especially what happens when the manic episode started like this ?",Bipolar +46924,"Thought loops Hey, I'm just curious if someone can relate to this. So from time to time I experience something like thought loops on different topics. I'm not sure even how to call it, but, for example, today I spent whole day thinking about that our world seems kinda hollow and that there's something beyond love, family and money. The reason I post it is that it feels somewhat damaging to me. I feel like I have to find the answer and I spend some time doing researches. I just don't know how to be over it and calm about it. So why it feels damaging..I have 2 outcomes: first is logical but I can't accept it, the second is irrational, I can't prove it, but it feels like it's the truth. +I'm not sure, maybe it's something obvious and I just don't know about. Just curious if it is related to bipolar, because my friends say I just need to calm down, but I can't. If you experience it, how do you stop it or what do you do about it? Btw, I have bp2",Bipolar +46925,"My experience with tramadol This past week I was prescribed 8 tablets of tramadol for an unrelated post-treatment painkiller, and I felt completely different. +It’s hard to explain, but basically even during arguments and other stressful situations that unsettle me, I was able to stay calm and focused. I felt enough of the “anger” emotion that I knew I was angry, but my brain was calm enough to accept the anger and be passive while yet acknowledging it. I was also productive and in great spirits, which seems to be the norm on this opioid. + +I’ve never been diagnosed and I’ve always lied on depression quizzes at the hospital, but the truth is a couple weeks ago it hit me that my mood swings and depression might not be normal. + +I realized that sometimes I am completely happy and good, to the point of being TOO happy. I will often hyper-organize my house, deep clean or workout every single day... basically checked off every symptom of a mania. During these times I paint,write, exercise, I eat and cook , hell I even tackle projects outside and have a hard time falling asleep for being too excited with my projects. I’ve also had bad instances with alcohol during these times, from a feeling of cockiness and recklessness where I have acted out in ways I am ashamed of. + +As for the depression, it comes on as low and long as it can be. I sleep on the couch during the day, lose weight, and am constantly weepy or angry. I do not like to work on anything, much less have the energy to deep clean or create. +These “mood swings” as Ive always called them come in bouts of weeks, sometimes months and occasionally like I mentioned as a result of an argument or something else incredibly stupid. + +This is having a toll on my marriage and family, and I am curious as to medications having any similar effect on me as tramadol , which I read up on and completely agreed with the following: + +“In fact, one of the reason people like taking Tramadol is because for some people it works as an antidepressant, producing euphoria or energy, unlike other opioids which tend to make people drowsy. This has led it being used recreationally, while people still go to work or live their daily lives.” blog.iodine.com + +I am obviously not going to get this prescription refilled and don’t need the cautions because like I said, I read up and completely understand the danger of taking opioids as anything other than a TEMPORARY strong painkiller. + +TL;DR I’m (24f) hesitant to take the first step in getting diagnosed or treated for what I suspect is Bipolar 1 Disorder. Had a good experience with an unrelated painkiller and would like to hear from people who self-diagnosed and are now on treatments, or anyone who can relate to my experience. ",Bipolar +46926,"I feel so empty and don't know who I am I don't think I know what I'm looking for here. Maybe just a place where I can spew how I'm feeling out without being afraid of creating some kind of judgment or conflict. + +I have been having a growing identity crisis lately. Once I was diagnosed, my life was based around understanding my illness. Then it was about treating it. Then it became about maintaining it. Now that I've been maintaining it for nearly two years, I feel like I've completely lost myself in the process. + +I am on disability so don't work, live in a rural town so don't have a big social circle, and I used to get into a lot of different artsy projects, but since getting on my current med cocktail that actually seems to work, I've lost all drive and desire to be creative. I even pulled my art bag out in the hopes that I would want to pick things up and get messy...but nothing. I ended up putting it behind the end table in my living room so it is out of the way. + +I spend my days exercising, taking care of my dog, cat and husband, my house, cooking and watching tv/movies. And while I am a genuine cinephile - it's not enough; I feel so empty. Nothing about my life feels worth while anymore. I can't tell my husband before I sort this feeling out because he'll take it personally and I cannot handle that kind of conflict right now. + + +I literally cried myself to sleep last night (though that was provoked because right now my husband is sick with an infection for over a week and he can get a little brash when he doesn't feel well...I try not to take it personally, because it's not personal, it just can hit the right/wrong buttons). When I was showering today I was listening to music, and the song ""Try"" came on, and when Colbie Caillat sang ""You don't have to try so hard"" I just lost it. There was no trigger this time except the song. + +I've always really been interested in and invested in politics, but the way that politics have been for the last two years, I just feel like it is adding this constant weight to my heart. I am so so sad to see what has happened to our country. Everything feels like it's getting worse and I can't see the good happening in the world, anymore. So that hobby has become a very heavy emotional weight. + + +I just....I just feel empty and I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am other than a woman on disability with bipolar. I know others feel this way and that I'm not alone and I wish it made it better. I guess what I need is how to dig myself from out of this pit that is quickly burying me alive. ",Bipolar +46927,"Mentioning disability on job application? I've been out from work for 7 months on disability related to my bipolar diagnosis. My current workplace is terrible and I'm not looking forward to my impending return. I was looking at applying to different jobs, and there's a section, like the section asking if you're a vet, asking if you have a disability. I would have never considered my bipolar as a disability, but this time it gave me pause because I am actually on disability leave lol. Does anyone report their mental health as a disability? Even without having to divulge details? Do you think this might later help if I need a reasonable accommodation at that job? + +",Bipolar +46928,"Advice for Terminal Insomnia? I'm recently out of a long and dreary depression, and finally feeling active and happy again. I'm probably in the early stages of hypomania, but doing good so far and keeping an eye on it. + +My main problem now is the insomnia. I have no trouble falling asleep at all, but most nights I wake up after 4 or 5 hours and can't get back to sleep at all. + +I know that the lack of sleep will probably trigger hypomania or mania for me. I'm going to talk to my doc and see if a low dose antipsychotic would help, but I thought I'd see if anyone here has any tips. ",Bipolar +46929,Depakote and Panic Disorder I was given 500mg of depakote along with 100mg of Seroquel and 25 mg of Lexapro. At first when I was on Lexapro it didn't help much with my panic disorder but when I went on this depakote and Seroquel during inpatient it was like night and day. It was like my panic was gone and I could finially relax and function. Is it common to use this medication for panic disorder?,Bipolar +46930,"Diagnosed . . . Now what? I spent almost a decade avoiding seeking help because I was convinced I could manage myself and things weren't serious. I thought I was suffering from depression alone. Recently It got so bad I finally made the call and was eventually diagnosed as bipolar 1. Now that I've been officially diagnosed I've been so out of my body. Trying to look past the stigma and facing the signs that have always been there is so surreal. Makes me think how long I've been suffering from this and how alot of things are explained. + +I'm in therapy now and I've gotten some answers but now what? I feel like therapy is so wasteful. I go, talk for 50 mins and I'm back to my brain spinning until we meet next time. Nothing is better just more confusing. I did not want to be on medication if therapy would help but at this point I dont feel like a chat is enough to help me cope. I'm afraid to lose alot of myself in it all. The transition from unmedicated to medicated has me hung up. What has it been like for other people making this transition? I dont know how I'm meant to tackle this.",Bipolar +46931,"How in the WORLD do you all use things such as ""To-Do"" lists on a daily basis?! How do you organize your life? I've tried: + + - ""Traditional"" pen & paper lists, as that's what we were taught throughout school, except I lose lists all the time + - Various mobile and desktop apps, where I end up over-using the solution and I'm left with a huge, clutter-y mess, in which there's a million things I need to do when only a dozen them are critical + - Not doing anything and forgetting everything I need to do + +And no matter method I try, I can never seem to remain consistent in any realm of my life, and it's absolutely eating me alive !! ",Bipolar +46932,"[TW:Suicide]Seeing a new therapist. How much do I need to dance around my suicidal ideation? I've been on medication for more than a decade at this point but I've been resistant to seeing a therapist. Up until now I've felt like I've had this under control but my medication is being adjusted and some new pressure in my life has put me in a bad place. + +In previous years I have had minor suicidal ideation but recently it's gotten really bad. I need to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to be involuntarily committed, so I'm trying to make sure I phrase my concerns in such a way that I'm not going to get 302'd. + +I have a plan, but I don't have, at the moment, the means to execute it (by design). However I could get everything into place in under 24 hours if I decided to. + +Is mentioning that going to land me in a psych ward?",Bipolar +46933,"University Advice/Info Hey there. I was diagnosed with BP1 last August following a psychotic episode and hospitalization following. + +I was supposed to be starting my last year at university then, but have taken a health leave to focus on getting better/stable and finding the right medications without the added stress of school. + +I’ve been in /some/ contact with my counselor, and the school’s health leave advisor. One of my next steps is filing the necessary documents for accommodations. + +That being said, I want ask about two things: do you have any advice/what was your experience studying and managing your diagnosis? Second, more specifically, were there any accommodations you were able to receive, what were they/any recommendations on any? + +Thanks so much in advance for any responses. Even though I still have some time before returning, I’m pretty nervous about it. I’ve already had a few semesters prior to being diagnosed where I was clearly severely depressed and totally failed most of the classes I was in, so I’d like to avoid any repeats of that. + + +TL;DR going back to school soon with new diagnosis, looking to hear your experience with school and/or any advice you can offer. Thank you!!",Bipolar +46934,"Reality is more than what it seems. + +I feel like I know what's up + +but there's a law I can't break + +The law is to play along no matter what + +everyone will say otherwise + +they'll keep you feeling like you are right + +but reminding you that you can't do nothing about it + +Theyll log on to reddit and tell you to get help + +You tell them I don't need help I can manage + +All Im waiting for is the one who is ready + +and that one is not apart from me + +this is really personal + +If it touched someone please respond + +but not in a critical, assertive way + +this is a poem and im high + +if you seem to understand then tell me your story",Bipolar +46935,"Lithium poisoning after fasting???? Okay so I’m 23 and I’ve been on lithium for 2 years now. I had lithium toxicity last year after a manic episode (I have bipolar 1) my psychiatrist at the time did not take into account my very small body weight 80 pounds, and increased my lithium to a toxic amount. Within 3 days of being on the high dose of lithium I was hospitalized with lithium poisoning. I did not even realize I had lithium poisoning. I developed a tremor and had an urgency to urinate but that was it. No other symptoms. Since then I have been very careful with lithium. + +However I just ended a fast of 5 days. I had been taking my lithium 300 mg twice a day like directed with no issues. Last night I took my 2nd dose for the day and got sick a few hours later. I feel very odd I guess?? I feel nauseous and I have a slight tremor. Could it be lithium poisoning??! Any other symptoms I should watch out for??? How long do I have until this is serious, serious??? Should I just go by and get my levels checked just in case??? Any advice??? ",Bipolar +46936,Have Latuda side effects pushed anyone into a hypomanic state? So I’ve been on Latuda for 2 weeks no problems. I went from 20mg to 30mg. Been at 30 for 5 days then suddenly I have shortness of breath. It started about an hour after I took the dose. It really freaked me out—I think it pushed me into a hypomanic state. I haven’t slept all night and I just want to get up and get some writing work done. I’m calling my Doc when the office opens in about 15 min. ,Bipolar +46937,"I keep convincing myself that I don't have bipolar. Hi reddit. +To preface, I'm 21, got diagnosed with BP1 in November of 2017, have been medicated since February 2018, and started going to a talk therapist last June. +Despite having experienced detrimental manic episodes within the past year (severing relationships, abruptly quitting a job I needed, etc) I can't help but think that I don't *actually* have bipolar. +It's probably because the meds are working and helping, but regardless of that fact I can't shake it and start to convince myself that I don't really need them. +In therapy I've learned a bunch about my habits and childhood issues, but we don't really discuss things through the lens of having bipolar specifically. + +My mind keeps coming to the conclusion that all of my actions in the past have come from a sound mind, and that I'm using mental illness as a scapegoat of some sort.. or something. + +Sorry. This is a rambling post. But does anyone else struggle with this or something similar? + +TL;DR I have bipolar but keep thinking that I don't, wat do now",Bipolar +46938,"Can someone help me? Venlafaxin + Lithium Hi! I have a major depression disorder, and I'm taking antidepressant meds for 4 years (3 years of Escitalopram (Lexapro) and, since last year, a growing dose of Venlafaxin (Venlift)). Sadly, the antidepressants done nothing about my mood, so my psychiatrist considered the possibility of me suffering from bipolar II disorder. She prescribed me 300mg of Lithium, sticking with the venlafaxin. + +Has anyone had a similar experience? What should I expect? The Li will stabilize my mood and finally the venlafaxin (Now in 225mg) will do its job properly? + +&#x200B; + +Thanks in advance! ",Bipolar +46939,"I don’t care to improve any aspect of my life. Can’t solve any kind of problem. I feel hopeless, nothing is interesting. But still go every day to class at university and other tasks. Seems like I am going by routine, not questioning anything at all and making no effort at all. +I want to have a boyfriend but can’t think of looking for one and I’m not responsive. +For example, it’s been a month since the bathroom’s lighting stopped working. I don’t care to fix it, I haven’t even called anyone to fix it. +Is this depression? I’m 30 years old and I think I’m too old now and it’s worthless to try having a better life. +So, yes it is depression, a new kind of depression I’ve never experienced. ",Bipolar +46940,"Lamictal making me hypomanic I've been taking lamictal for bipolar depression and it's working great in that aspect but I can't sleep now. I have night sweats and I can't stay asleep for more than 2 hours at a time at most. After awakening from about 5 to 6 hours of disturbed sleep I still feel amazing and energized. And in addition to that I have a slightly raised anxiety level which leaves me randomly sweaty all over sometimes during the day. + +&#x200B; + +Would Tegretol, lithium or gabapentin be a good medication to mention to my psych when I visit them next? I mean I'm just fishing for options because I don't want to take APs but I still obviously need something for the manic side of things. I should mention I have a similar experience on anti depressants because they make me unable to sleep without pills so I'm starting to think I will need something for mania and depression.",Bipolar +46941,"Positive experiences with mood stabilizer? Hi everyone. +So, I had an issue on Friday evening. I had what my husband thought was a seizure but the emergency room physician said was a dystonic reaction likely to my medication (seroquel 100mg) which I’ve been on for about two years at varying doses. +Aside from that I’ve been having odd neurological symptoms for about the same amount of time that I’m having investigated by a neurologist currently. +So, I’m seeing a new psychiatrist and at the request of the treating doctor Friday they have come to the decision to taper me off of seroquel, and add a mood stabilizer. I’ve never tried a mood stabilizer. This is the plan so far. She also affirmed my bipolar diagnosis made by the last psychiatrist I saw and also suspects I suffer from PMDD. But, that’s another story. + +Week 1 +50mg of seroquel nightly +450mg of depakote + +Week 2 +25mg of seroquel nightly +900mg of depakote + +Week 3 +Stop seroquel +(Start 1/2 tablet of trazodone for sleep as needed) + +Just wanted to hear positive experiences with depakote. I’m trying to go into this win a positive attitude instead of being fearful. ",Bipolar +46942,"I was recently diagnosed with bipolar and it's making me question my own identity I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder three weeks ago. I am going through a major depressive episode and went to see a psychologist my mother recommended. My anxiety is slowly killing me and forcing everyone that I care about away from me. The meds aren't doing their job and I'm just really looking for some support and reassurance that I'm not all alone and absolutely insane. + +I prided myself in my abilities in the arts and my motivation and commitment when school started, and always attributed my falling grades to the lack of motivation as the year dragged on. After being diagnosed I'm just not sure exactly of who I am anymore. I'm afraid people are going to look at all my past, recent, and future achievements with ""oh its due to mania"", but I feel like I need that validation to keep doing what I do. It has always been a way for me to express myself. + +My mom and grandma also have bipolar. My mom is extremely unstable and controlling, and the only thing holding her back from completely grabbing my skin and stepping into it herself is the fact that I wasn't bipolar like her. Now that I am, she has been forcing her past feelings of when she was young onto me. She's pushing onto me her experiences, trying to relive her life through me, and its making me question my own identity and whether or not I'll just end up like this nightmare that is my mother. + +My mother is also only taking me to her psychiatrist and doctors. I should trust them, as they are reputable institutions in the area, but I don't because of their affiliation with my mother. She is the only person I know who has this, so I decided to make an account and find some people to help me go through this process.",Bipolar +46943,"Unbearable, mind boggling irritability I had my meds down to a science. Topamax, Seroquel, Buspar, Sertraline, Gabapentin, and a little Klonopin for the bad days. And then something happened. I developed an allergy to Seroquel. A bad one. I had been fighting a rash for weeks without nailing down the cause...took two Seroquel and 45 minutes later I went into shock. If my husband had not hit me with the epipen I would have been dead almost immediately. + +&#x200B; + +I had to give up ALL my meds. We are slowly reintroducing ( I take 1 sertraline a day and the occasional klonopin) because this is the 7th time I have developed a reaction after years of taking a medication. I realize not dying is super important......but. + +&#x200B; + +I can live with mood swings, fatigue, headaches, depression, anxiety- and more. But this irritability is not okay. I quit smoking 4 yers ago. It feels like that only worse. I wan't everyone around me to sit down and shut up. People at work drive me crazy. My kid drives me crazy. My husband drives me crazy. I spend my entire day 5 seconds from screaming, crying, or throwing something. + +&#x200B; + +Does anyone else deal with this pervasive irrational bitchiness???? + +NOTE: For those of you that will ask - I have an appointment with my Pych tomorrow, just looking for some feedback from folks that may have felt the same thing.",Bipolar +46944,"How can you explain your depressed, but there is no real reason? I have been in an ongoing depression for almost 2 years. Yes I have had a few manic episodes but extremely short lived. I have BP1 and anxiety and several other things. I have no motivation to do anything. I have these ideas and know what to do, but I just can’t do it. When I start it’s like being in a hole with stuff constantly falling on me and I become so overwhelmed I just quit. I know people say it’s laziness, and some of could be. But I know it’s something that isn’t right. It is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I myself. I am at a point where I just don’t have any reason to do anything. I have had a chance at several interviews but when the time approaches I can’t go thru with it. It’s like I’m terrified of having some kind of freak out at work and that can’t happen again. I have lost all motivation and I take my medication religiously. I have been stable for several years, my last hospital stay was in 2007. My medication has stayed the same, but we went out of the country for 6 weeks and I have never been the same. Has anyone else just had that feeling that you know something isn’t right but also terrified of talking to a psychiatrist because of medication changes. It took years to get my combo right. I have had so many reactions to most meds the thought of that just scares the hell out of me. I don’t know why I felt like sharing but at least I know that everyone on here has had the experience of all the mood swings and manic and depression, it’s like you can understand me. I feel like my life has become a roller coaster ride and I am starting to wonder will this ever end??",Bipolar +46945,"Tired on Abilify so i was officially diagnosed 2 days ago as bipolar and my doctor has prescribed me 15mgs of abilify. im about 5’9 and 110lbs and i feel like im a zombie. today is day 2 of the meds, and im exhausted. yesterday i woke up feeling almost like i was hungover i felt nauseous, dizzy, and hot. today i was a bit dizzy when waking up and after about 3 hours of jitteryness i just feel exhausted. im at work in the back ready to pass out sleeping at any moment. does this go away? will this tiredness adjust as i adjust to the meds?",Bipolar +46946,"Documentary on Bi Polar and Families Do you hear voices? Do you have intrusive thoughts? + +Do you experience paranoia and/or severe anxiety? + +Do you have unexplainable visions? + +And, do you feel misunderstood and alone? + +If you or someone you know are experiencing these sensations, we’d love to hear your story. We’re looking for brave individuals to share their voice in a new documentary series. + +Email us at [fightstigmanow@gmail.com](mailto:fightstigmanow@gmail.com) including a brief description of your situation.",Bipolar +46947,"I’m aware I might be manic right now And obviously trying to convince myself that I’m not manic but having an spiritual awakening? I wrote a lot of bullshit about feeling connected to the universe on my journal half an hour ago and just read through it and it’s clear that I’m being way too philosophical and believe shit I normally would not, yet questioning my sanity at the same time. + +I also ordered a tarot deck online and it’s arriving today. I am Christian so this does not make sense at all! I’ve also been gettin really into meditating and trying to align my chakras (but all the times my mom would tell me to do that before I would sceptically tell her that It is not true) why now? + +I also ordered a 23andme test to see where my ancestors were from cause I want to practice the magic they used to practice? Make no sense but???? + +Like I know this isn’t me and I might be manic but!??? I kinda want to believe I’m just happy and spiritual because I had the most awful depressive episode last month. Then again, I also stopped taking my Lamictal and now I’m titrating back up so yeah I might actually be manic. + +But I’ve been sleeping just fine? I mean, my sleep pattens are a mess but overall I’ve been getting at least 5 hours of sleep every night! Plus it’s not like I’m euphoric all the time? I suddenly get this waves of euphoria and need to dance? At last happy? + +I also have a atrong desire to go vegan to feel more connected to nature and at the same time to do keto so that I can fast easily and feel more connected to myself! + +I’m making no sense and I know that! But I keep questioning whether I’m actually manic or happy or just faking it + + I’m honestly confused but happy? ",Bipolar +46948,"Anxiety and distress - drifting In January I quit my job because my wife had been begging me to. Also my pdoc. It was a horrible and abusive place with so many unexplainable micro aggressions and condescending actions to name or number. They have about a 60% turnover rate. And they like that number. It was a well paying job and I shouldn’t have quit but I was on the brink of believing them that I am worthless. I tried to overdose around January 7th but luckily couldn’t find the right meds in the house that night. My wife doesn’t know about that. +Since I quit I was hoping to snap out of it. But when you fucked up head is chemical I guess environment doesn’t really do a lot. Despite your best efforts. I have slipped into depression like never before. I can’t get a new job and I realize just how immature it was to quit the one before. I’ve never quit anything. +My wife is away on a conference cause she is badass and so smart. She is in DC with her people from grad school presenting this week. They are all in an Airbnb that I picked out for them. She says it’s beautiful. I know that she is true and that she lives me. Cognitively I know this but when she fails to call me and gets too busy my heart crushes and I can hear the voices that tell me I have no value to her or the family. I can’t focus on the right things. I don’t know how to snap out. Be a man. Take better care of my kids. Be there for her. Not be so selfish and get a fucking job again. Just so frustrating. All the meds do is keep me from manic. I miss manic. ",Bipolar +46949,"someone be proud please!! thanks to my tax return i was able to pay $1,000 off my credit card that i racked up when manic last. progress is so satisfying!! ",Bipolar +46950,"How the hell do you clean/organize?! I can not for the life of me get my room in order. I have all these plans for it for after I get it cleaned and get rid of a bunch of clutter and clothes (need summer clothes and more professional ones for a new job in the summer).... I refuae to buy more clothes before going through and donating at least half of what I have. + +But I cant freaking get myself to do anything! I keep it decent (no food or trash), but the clutter and clothes is overwhelming. I leave early and get home late because of my insane class/internship/work schedule and by the time I get home, my vyvanse wore off (I have bipolar 2 and ADHD, just started vyvanse this month...). + +How the hell do you get yourself to do these things when youre either depressed or just not hypomanic... and I even keep common areas clean almost religiously (I have roommates). + +Ugh. ",Bipolar +46951,"Recent experience with lamictal & painkillers Hello friends. + +I've been on lamictal for about 8 months. It was a godsend to me. Starting from a very low dose, it helped me feel more content and at-ease, and I went from having panic attacks every time I left the house to being able to go about and live my life. + +Here's the wrinkle: I initially spiraled into crippling depression and anxiety last year after tapering off of the opiate pain medication oxycodone. I was on on oxycodone after undergoing a surgical procedure to stabilize much of my cervical spine, which had become unstable as a result of a genetic condition I have. I was in a horrible place, and Lamictal is what finally got me out of it. + +I was about 9 months post-op last year and doing really well, feeling really great about my health and future, when a bunch of my pre-operative symptoms suddenly returned. Scans confirmed that my surgery had failed, and I had to go through a revision procedure -- a more complex procedure than I had before -- earlier this year. Currently, I am a bit more than 2 months post-op from the revision surgery. I was hoping to keep my pain meds low and get off of them quickly this time around, but the surgery was predictably much more painful, and I also developed an infection shortly after surgery that sent my pain levels sky-high -- unlike anything I had experienced before. So while I wanted to limit my use of oxycodone, I ended up on double the dose I took last year (60 mg total per day, vs. 30 mg total per day last year). + +I have spent the last month carefully tapering off of oxycodone. I am now down to 25% of what I was initially taking after surgery (i.e., I'm now down to 15 mg total per day), which is 50% of what I was taking last year. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, which I attributed in part to being on lamictal this time. Then about a week ago, just before the step-down to my current oxycodone dose, I started to feel the depression creep back in. Hoping to get ahead of it, I called my p-doc and we decided to increase my dose of lamictal a bit, from 125 mg to 150 mg. But instead of protecting me from decline, I feel like the increased dose accelerated the onset of symptoms. I am significantly more depressed and irritable, and I have started to become anxious and a bit agoraphobic again. Making matters much worse, some physical symptoms have flared up this week, including a very alarming sharp pain right at the base of where my surgery was performed. While these symptoms may be a normal part of the long healing process after a major surgical procedure, I am terrified that something got screwed up again. I took a little extra oxycodone this morning and it has helped the pain somewhat, but this is obviously not the direction I want to go in for the sake of my mental health. + +I guess I'm posting here because I feel frightened and a bit trapped. Last year, lamictal was like a miracle for me. I felt relief at a very low dose, and I continued to experience improvement as I increased the dose. I was hoping for the same result when I increased the dose last week, but I am only feeling more depressed and anxious. That said, there are a ton of other factors in play here, including my oxycodone taper, continued recovery from surgery 2 months ago, a flare-up of physical symptoms, fear about the state of my surgery and recovery, normal psychological distress resulting from my current ordeal (feeling isolated/cooped up, losing autonomy, feeling uncertain about my future, etc.), fear of the fear I experienced last year when things went south, etc. etc. + +Typing this out, it seems unreasonable to expect anything from a small increase in my lamictal dose one way or the other -- or at the very least, it seems impossible to parse out what is a result of lamictal versus the many other things going on. But I guess I'll still throw my inquires out there: + +1. Has anyone experienced a marked increase in depression or anxiety upon increasing their lamictal dose, and if so, did things even out with time or further dosage increases? +2. Does anyone have experience with oxycodone / other opiate painkillers that impacted your mental health or interacted with your psych meds? + +For what it's worth, I also take Effexor XR 75 mg daily, Dexedrine SR 5 mg 2x/day, and Klonopin 0.5 mg at night to sleep.",Bipolar +46952,"Bipolar in the media So I just read this article [lost child](https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/05/us/timmothy-pitzen-investigation-friday/index.html) and I was mad / sad when I read that his brother claimed he was bipolar, but essentially should have had the self restraint to not do this. If my own experiences are anywhere close to normal, you are not rational when manic (assuming he was ). Thoughts ? opinions ? ",Bipolar +46953,"Drowning in debt After being on the wrong meds for almost two years I came to my senses when abilify was added to the mix. Lo and behold I had racked up a hefty amount of credit card debt. Apparently I was living off the cards while paying the Bill's with my meager disability check. So I've been to a lawyer who stated that because I have nothing and make so little I am judgement proof, can be sued but to no avail. I feel like crap about this, but what are cc companies doing giving $6000 and $4000 lines of credit to someone who only makes $10,000 a year? What are your stories and thoughts on this?",Bipolar +46954,"Can’t smoke weed anymore, sooo I smoked really heavily for about 8 months, starting in one manic episode, continuing through a depressive episode, through stability, then in another manic episode. During that episode it made me completely psychotic (while high) where I would hear voices, walk around my apartment building paranoid as fuck, and be 100% convinced I was going to die. This was every night for about 6 weeks. I had to leave a party early cuz I was hearing voices and then became convinced my Uber driver was an angel. The whole sha-bang. Anyway I stopped smoking because of the embarrassment from that party incident, and now I’m also in the depressive episode from that manic episode. I haven’t smoked in about 2 months but I’m depressed as fuck. I’m too young to buy alcohol. I’ve just been replacing weed with CBD, and since that’s very expensive, I’ve been taking 50-75mg of benedryl to chill out and eventually fall asleep. I know this is like, a mild substance abuse problem but idk. I’m so depressed and fucking miserable and hopeless, it’s so nice to take a bunch of benedryl and shut my brain off. I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone relates. ",Bipolar +46955,"Is this the beginning of the end? Hello Friends, + +So since my hospitalization at the end of December, I have been more stable than I've ever been in a really long time which is great. Recently over the past few days, I've had some increased irritability and very low energy. It could just be stress from work, or it could be the beginning of my next depressive episode. Does anyone else have that sense of panic that sets in when something like this happens? For me it's the fear of losing all the progress I've made when I was stable. It feels like that fear of my mood swinging back down is always on the horizon. Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +46956,"BIPOLAR TOYS R US THEME SONG I wrote this for you. + +*Ahem* + +“I don’t wanna come down, +I’m a hypo-manic, +Everything in life right now is freaken terrific! +From sex to thoughts to fantasies, +I have the most energy there is, +GEE WIZ, +I don’t wanna come down, +Cause if I did, +I wouldn’t be a hypo-manic + +*applause* + +Yes. Yes. *bows* Thank you, everyone. ",Bipolar +46957,"F*ck me I just got diagnosed with bipolar I don’t believe it, I’m still in denial. Why should I even know this??? No one has told me about it, I just saw it on my discharge papers. Is it true?? Is this real??",Bipolar +46958,"Just received my BP2 diagnosis - 12 years in the making Hey everyone. Although knowing that I suffer from Bipolar II Disorder is disheartening, it is a relief to have a diagnoses and a concrete action plan to manage it. I have suffered from Major Depression since the age of 9; but it wasn't until this week, at the age of 21, that I was diagnosed with BP2 after having a 2.5-week-long hypomanic episode. + +During my episode, I displayed all textbook symptoms to varying degrees of destructiveness. Luckily, I did not do anything that had huge lasting consequences. During these 2.5 weeks, I was aware that I was acting abnormally, but I didn't see any problems with it because I felt better than I ever had before while sleeping less than 2 hours each night and eating less than 500 calories per day. When I crashed out of it, I knew that I had to speak with my psychiatrist. + +He immediately took me off of my 300mg Wellbutrin (I haven't noticed any withdrawal symptoms yet) and scheduled an appointment with me ASAP. At the appointment, we discussed the many options for medication (anti-psychotics & mood stabilizers). We settled on Depakote and I am now on 500mg for 14 days, then 1000mg for the next 14. At that point, we will meet again and re-evaluate the treatment plan. + +It seems like this is a very informative and supportive community. If you all have any advice or resources to offer someone who is starting out on their treatment journey, I'd be happy to hear it. I am especially interested in people's experiences with Depakote, apps that can be used to track mood, and how to build up a support network of friends and family. + +Thanks to all <3 ",Bipolar +46959,"Changing meds is never easy Since I’ve been stable I am weaning off klonopin. I’ve done it before and it’s not the most fun thing but tolerable. + +At the same time I’m starting vyvanse for binge eating. I was already doing weight watchers and since September I’ve lost 21 lbs, but I’ve got about 70 more to go - this is a result of an episode that was triggered by going through a lot of life changes in a short period of time. The weight has caused me to have severe social anxiety. + +My doctor has known me since before I gained the weight and knows what a struggle it’s been. She knows this weight is not normal for me but as a result of the self-medicating with food. I see her again in a week or so since medications are changing. + +The vyvanse is helping so much regarding I was always sleeping during the day on weekends, I never had any energy, plus I’m not binge eating as often. But I’m getting emotional again. + +My main symptom isn’t panic, but is crying. I cry and cry when I’m unstable. It’s creeping up on me. I’m afraid if I tell my doctor she will stop the vyvanse and it’s helping me so much. But I also know how important it is to be honest with your doctor. + +There is no point to this other than to share my struggle among others who will understand. ",Bipolar +46960,"How Do I Stop Impulsive Spending? Hey everyone, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 last December and it explained so many things for me. One of them was how I love to spend on food, projects, and other stuff I don’t need. The only problem is that I’m on medication now and the new one I’m on seems to be helping me stay stable. While the impulsive urges to spend are pretty much gone, I’m still going after food. At this point I think it’s just a deeply ingrained habit. I really need to save my money so I can purchase the gear I need for my summer job. I want to just eat at home for the rest of the month and not buy anything I don’t need, but I feel like I will keep falling into my old hypomanic habits. Can someone please help me? It’s a lack of self control and I don’t know how to stop.",Bipolar +46961,"Rehab stories? I have a dual diagnosis of depression & alcohol addiction. However, I suspect I’m actually bipolar (but still an alcoholic). I have been on 200 mg Zoloft for three years and it doesn’t seem to be helping; frankly, I don’t know if it ever did or if life circumstances were what made me feel like it did. I also have therapy but I only see her once every two weeks and I just started seeing her last month. Nonetheless, the past few months have been absolute hell. A lot of change in my life has occurred and therefore stress has followed, but some other things outside of being stressed have also added to it. +1) I’m a special education teacher & this is my first year teaching. I feel like I’m completely in over my head and like I’m not supported at work. I’m the only SPED teacher there and am constantly overlooked. +2) I moved out of my parents during the summer when I got my job here in San Diego. I absolutely love my apartment and where I live & I’ve always my own space (I grew up sharing a room with my 2 sisters my whole life). While I love it and am grateful to be where I am, I’m alone every single day and don’t have friends here. +3) I’m codependent & am constantly on the lookout for a man who will temporarily fill the void that my ex has left in me. This turns into having strangers come over and sharing my bed with them for the sake of feeling desired and not alone & jumping into relationships that are short-lived because I’m a mess or because they move on. +4) I was drugged by someone I went on a date with who then took me back to my apartment and raped me in my bed. That was on November 6th. +5) My social anxiety at work is through the roof. I feel scrutinized all the time. I’m afraid everyone thinks I’m not good at my job and I’m only there because they were desperate for someone to take that particular class (moderate/severe disabilities). +6) I attempted suicide last month and was out of work for two weeks. They were supportive but my anxiety tells me I’m a burden. This has also caused great concern for my parents who already have to deal with my older sister (that’s a whole different story). +7) My drinking is out of hand and I feel completely lost. When I’m not drunk, I’m numb and my thoughts are too much to handle. When I am drunk, I lose control and slice up my thighs with scissors. That happened just a week ago. However, I’ve been managing my drinking since then, but I don’t know how long that’ll last. +8) Today I tied a scarf around my neck and tightened it until I couldn’t breathe just to see how it felt. Suicide ideation is constantly running through my mind. +9) My sleep schedule is absolutely fucked. I’m either awake for 30 hours at a time or I have to sleep for an entire day. + +Basically, nothing is getting better. Ideally, I’d like to make it to the end of the school year and then look into rehab options for the summer. I’ve been depressed for three years and this is the worst I’ve ever had it & it is affecting every aspect of my life & I would rather deal with it all now than let it continue to get worse. + +Has anyone here ever been to rehab for something similar and was is helpful? ",Bipolar +46962,"One bad thing from having a full on breakdown I’m one month away from graduating college, the first person in my family to do so. I’m working full time to pay my bills, recording and mixing my a cappella group’s album ENTIRELY on my own (basically another full time job), helping to direct my major’s HUGE end-of-the-year showcase, trying to make the most out of my classes and professors while I still have access to them, and trying to keep it together for one more month. I’m really really not doing well. I’m not sleeping, I’m always busy, I haven’t had a day off in 2 weeks and I don’t have one off for the foreseeable future. I keep telling myself to hold it together for one more month, because going off the deep end would mean not graduating, potentially losing my apartment, letting my group down, and losing the best free portfolio building opportunity I’ll ever have. I’m about one mildly bad thing away from losing it. I need some support, someone who’s been through the same thing and made it out the other side ok. I’m really hanging on by a thread. ",Bipolar +46963,"Depressive Episode Well, long time lurker on this sub. Please excuse my poor manners. On mobile. This post is all over the place. Mainly to get it off my chest, maybe just something to leave behind. I’m trying not to be over dramatic. + +I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2 about 5 years ago. My post can be triggering to some. + + +Around December I started noticing downs more often. I’ve been really stressed, and it started then. I couldn’t afford rent and medication took out some loans. Now I’m even further behind. I’ve been fighting to stay positive. It’s been really hard. Like really hard. Ive honestly thought of selling my body just to get on top. + +Also, my owners of the company I work for. just recently said everyone is replaceable. I’m passionate at my job and have been there three years. To hear how unimportant I am hurt. I took it to heart. + +I feel so awkward in my own skin, so unhappy... So alone. I don’t know where to seek help. Not just from a clinic. I hate doctors and in my past they gave me lethal mixes and have killed me once. (honestly I wished I had stayed dead) + +The thought of suicide sounds better and better. They’ll find me when they evict me. So I have about 9 days to think about it. + +I’m tired of the swings, feeling alone and unimportant. Like there is nothing left of this world. Deep down no one cares. I struggle on for family(to save face) but idk if that will keep me on this plane anymore. All I do is work work work. No enjoyment from life. No ease. No partnership. Nothing other then my little kitty and a small apt... Now I’m loosing everything. What little I had is going to be gone. I just rather be dead then continue this path. It sucks... I feel like I’m working towards nothing. I will never get on top. Life keeps punishing me. I can’t keep up this pain. Loosing everything sucks. It’s hard to find any sliver lining at this point. + +I’m tired.... 90% of me at this points wants to end it all. With death comes peace. A peace I’ve tasted before. No more rent/bills, no more feeling inadequate and alone, like I don’t belong. Im afraid I’m at the end of my road. ",Bipolar +46964,"Could i have Bipolar instead? Hey there. My psychology assignment for my final term is to research an illness of which I chose bipolar. I chose this because my Dad is diagnosed with Bipolar and i wanted to learn more. Looking at it has made me start questioning my own mind as well. + +I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD-PI. However, doing research i've found that ADHD and BD can be mistaken for eachother sometimes because of similar symptoms. BD runs in my family (through my dad) and yet i'm not aware of anyone else in my family with ADHD, which is supposedly hereditary as well. + +I have also had issues with depression and self destructive tendencies for a long time. History of alcoholism and pseudo substance abuse after failing school for 3 years and a seemingly innate ability to tell myself that i will never succeed and that i do not deserve anything other than misery and seemingly becoming hellbent on proving that voice right. + +However, while i do feel that i have cycles where suddenly out of nowhere i'll just get depressed and basically zombified for a period of time, I don't feel that the mania symptoms strike me at all. I do have periods where i will suddenly be very happy and everything is great, silver linings in everything and sign up for lots of different clubs or take new courses etc. But i've seen it state an increased or grandiose sense of worth, or feeling that you are good at everything, and I have never experienced that i guess. + +Am i just being a hypochondriac or is this something that any of you can relate to? I don't really know if i'm just being in my head or not. Thanks for reading. + +",Bipolar +46965,I'm sinking again. I just burst into tears for the first time in over a year. Today has been hard. This week has been hard. And I'm starting to sink back into that energetic depression again. I'm not actually suicidal right now. Which is good. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to leave the house for more than a soda without somebody pushing me to do so. I'm sinking back into that mire of despair that has no cause or meaning. I'm doigts my best to hide it from those around me so they don't get worried. The messed up thing is I'm still on my meds. Yeah I've missed a dose or two but not enough to spiral me out like this. I'm thankful I'm on my meds or I'm sure I wouldn't make it. I'm rapid cycling I know. I know it'll pass. I just had to tell somebody what is happening before I tear my face off. The last time I felt this way I was fresh out of the hospital. I wish I knew why it was happening. What the trigger was.,Bipolar +46966,"Agitated & Restless every single Sunday I have BPI, ADHD-c, anxiety, and stress related to trauma. I’ve been mostly stable for a few months now but every single Sunday I’m agitated and restless. + +I work a 8-4 Mon-Fri schedule and my husband seems to think it’s because I have to work on Monday. But I don’t get like this during the week, is it because I’m not being stimulated enough? + +Maybe it’s my ADHD and not BP but damn I feel like there’s electricity running through my limbs and I don’t know what to do with the energy. ",Bipolar +46967,"Bipolar & handling work What do you do for a living? +How do you manage your stress and triggers to avoid mania/depression? + +Have you ever had to leave a position because it had negative effects on your mental health?",Bipolar +46968,"I called the suicide hotline.... I called them to thank them for all of the hard work they put in. I wanted to thank them for being there when I needed them. I wanted to let them know that I have been mostly stable for over a year. + +The operator on the other end sounded overjoyed that I was doing well. He said he would pass the good word around. + +Made me happy to thank somebody for the service that has helped me in the past.",Bipolar +46969,"Am I Bipolar? Hi I’m in my late teens and would like to know if I’m bipolar or not, I’m asking this because someone told me that I might be bipolar because she thought I was on a manic episode. I would also like you’re experiences of early signs of bipolar + + + +My mood swings during seasons but it kinda has to do with my seasonal affective disorder: + +-winter: feel anxious, sometimes get panick attacks, I even got depressed this year due to me loosing myself to my OCD fears +My fetishes also come at me very strongly in winter, I become hypersexual and cannot control my sexual urges which cause me distress + +-Summer: I feel some sort of euphoria and well being + +-Sometimes I feel very hyperactive and cannot concentrate, move my legs a lot, turn my head a lot, cannot stop laughing at jokes that aren’t even that funny and I have a very strong compulsion to fool around + + + +Paranoi: + +-I hallucinated a few times but they were just like rare, sometimes I hear a voice call my name but it lasts one second +When I’m anxious I tend to have more auditory hallucinations but they don’t scare me because they last like one second. +I remember a few times when I woke up from bed I heard 10 second conversations and once heard someone say my name aggressively but they didn’t really scare me .The voices don’t really interfere with my life or anything. I remember having many hallucinations when I was little of having bee buzzing sounds that disturbed me several times but I don’t have them anymore + + +-Sometimes even now, I am scared in the shower and get anxious so I sometimes have a strong compulsion to see behind the curtains if someone is looking at me to reassure myself because sometimes I feel pressure. + + + +So do you guys think I’m bipolar or not? + + + +",Bipolar +46970,"Are we allowed to drink in moderate doses? Hello all, + +I am wondering if we are allowed to drink. My doctor told me that I may use from time to time but he didn't tell a definitite amount. I am wondering about your experience with alcohol? I am on olanzapine, sertraline and lithium. Is it okay to drink one or two glasses of wine or beer once in a while (e.g one or two days a week)?",Bipolar +46971,"Every spring/summer like clockwork Hey there, I have BP1 mainly characterized by hypomanic blips in the spring and summer and not much else (there was a big ugly manic episode at one point, hopefully never again..). + +I’m just amazed by how reliably I get these symptoms in the spring/summer. This year I started having hypomanic symptoms the last week of March. That’s the EXACT same time I started getting hypomanic symptoms a couple years ago for my first big manic episode. + + It doesn’t happen every year in spring, summer ones are more spread out, but it’s very interesting how tightly it is associated with the change in the season. + +Do any of you also notice the same thing? + +",Bipolar +46972,"Lacking the will to...well...do anything. I literally want to do nothing. 24/7. I force myself to get out of bed, put the coffee on, dress my self, get the kids off to school, and walk my 4 miles daily. I do these things because I am supposed to. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. I wish to sleep all day every day and do nothing else. All of the things that used to be bring me joy or I felt passionate about hold no appeal. + +So now I sit and watch the world pass me by and feel sorry for myself about it. Then I feel guilt for being so pathetic. Yet none of it motivates me to get up off the couch and do anything at all. + +I was on a chemical cocktail of 4 pills (which took me about 2 years of trial and error to find) for Bipolar 1 and severe social anxiety but nothing seemed to make a dent in the suicidal ideation or crippling depression. I stopped taking everything 2 months ago. I am neither better nor worse. + +This is the longest depressive episode of my life and while I am glad no manic symptoms have presented themselves, I’m also almost hoping for them to arrive because this deep dark hole I’m in is suffocating me. + +I have a great support system, a loving boyfriend, and everything I need in life. There is no excuse for being this pathetically lazy and self loathing. I’m sick of being sick of myself. + +Mmk. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.",Bipolar +46973,"Overanalyzing...or not 41/f, diagnosed 18 months ago, not sure if 1 or 2. + +I broke up with my bf of nearly two years 2 months ago. When we first got together I was not diagnosed. We fought a lot and nearly broke up twice (due to my impulsivity) before I was diagnosed. I started meds and definitely felt better but we still fought a lot and I still felt impulses to break up, but never argued or acted on it. I also have GAD. Being on an SSRI is what lead to my diagnosis because it made me manic. I've tried Buspar but it didn't help at all, so I just do my best to cope with it. + +Ex-bf has ADD, anxiety, and depression and smokes large amounts of pot to cope. Hates pharmaceuticals and therapy. He was not supportive of me starting meds and thought pot was all I needed. Didn't like me going to therapy because I should be going to him, my partner, with my troubles. + +He was intolerable when he wasn't high. Sweet as could be when he was, which was most of the time. When he'd run out and couldn't get any, I'd be on eggshells. + +He ran out and was incredibly irritable and said something very painful and I was crushed. I thought about it for about half an hour and then broke up with him. For a couple of weeks after the breakup I was sure it was impulsivity and I'd made a huge mistake because regardless of his flaws, I still love him. + +Now that I'm two months out, my constant sky high anxiety while with him is now quite manageable. I'm eating better, exercising (which I quit when I was with him), reclaiming my social life, restarted therapy, and generally feel much better. I don't think I made a mistake because the thought of getting back together is not attractive at all. + +But what all of this boils down to is, what part of all this is me, and what part is the disease? Was it sheer impulse that lead me to leave, or was I just unable to deal with his crap anymore? Is the energy I feel hypomania or is it just getting my life in order? And if it's the disease...how can anyone deal with this long term? It's exhausting. + +I want another relationship. Not right now, I've no interest in dating and want to get some debt paid down before I meet anyone, debt NOT incurred by impulse spending. But sometime down the road I do. I don't know how people deal with BP in their partner. I don't even know how to broach it with someone. I know my actions early in my relationship with my ex hurt him, and I feel deep regret for that. I know living with me was really hard on him and I fear doing that to another person. + +If you've read all this, thanks for ""listening."" I'm not sure if I'm looking at things objectively. I try, but I just don't know.",Bipolar +46974,"Why is it so hard to feel this way????!!! I feel like going to sleep forever. + +I don't want to die or anything. I just want to fall asleep, and not wake up for a long time. + +Is this normal? I'm not sure I am bipolar. I might just have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.",Bipolar +46975,"Gabapentin work well? Have you taken or are you currently on Gabapentin for bipolar, anxiety or something else? What daily dosage and how well did/does it work for you? Thanks",Bipolar +46976,"Bipolar/ADHD comorbidity I have bipolar 1 and haven't had a manic episode since October, though I had a depressive one in February. I also have ADHD, which has been causing serious dysfunction in my life and schoolwork. I've heard that bipolar has to get treated first, which makes sense, but what counts as stable enough to be able to be prescribed ADHD medication?",Bipolar +46977,"Weight gain on Seroquel So, I don't actually have Biopolar disorder, but I do have very bad depression, anxiety, and I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. As a result of all of these, my doctor prescribed me Seroquel. (Sorry if this doesn't belong here - I just noticed that a lot of questions about Seroquel are located in this sub). + +&#x200B; + +I have heard a number of stories now about how Seroquel has made people gain 15, 30, even up to 50 pounds! Everyone has said it causes them to have really bad cravings. I am already *very* self conscious about my weight, and currently sit at about 235lbs. I really do not want to gain any more (in fact, if by some rare chance I lost weight on Seroquel, that would be ideal), so I am trying to prep myself and my house before I start taking it. I plan on having my husband hide all of the snacks in our house so I cannot find them, and I'll be stocking up on veggies and fruit to eat. I'll also be taking it at night, close to bedtime, so I am hoping that will also help mitigate some of the cravings (I really don't think I'll be getting out of bed to eat...). + +&#x200B; + +Does this sound like I am doing the right thing? I mean, I'd love to lose weight in general, so if this did help with that in one way or another I'd count that as a success.",Bipolar +46978,"Bipolar Disorder rarely shows up alone: some interesting co-morbidity statistics I recently spoke to my psychiatrist about my bipolar disorder improving with treatment, but not my other mental health issues. I let him know how embarrassed I was about the ordeal, because I sometimes feel ashamed about the number of issues I have. He shared with me some statistics that reassured me quite a bit and made me realize I'm not alone. This info helped me find more self acceptance, and I thought it might help some of you as well. + +These statistics come from a public 2008 psychiatry study (n=9282). I'll post the full link below, as well as the specific chart I'm getting these figures from in case you'd rather dig in yourself. Here's some of the statistics that stood out to me: + + * **92%** of people with BD will be deal with another mental disorder + +* **70%** of people with BD will deal with with 3 or more other mental disorders + + * **75%** of people with BD will be deal an anxiety disorder + +* **63%** of people with BD will deal with an impulse control disorder + +* **42%** of people with BD will deal with a substance abuse disorder + +If you ever feel alone because of the multiple issues you're facing, just know you aren't. + +Here's the [table](https://i.imgur.com/8iK9cSS.jpg) where I got these figures from. It breaks down the prevalence for specific disorders, and breaks them down by BD1, BD2 and sub-threshold BD. And here's a link to the [full study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1931566/) + +*Disclaimer*: I don't have a medical background so please let me know if I misinterpreted anything",Bipolar +46979,"Life changing I posted awhile back about meds change. The effectiveness of meds hits me quick so the change was pretty much overnight. Prior to the change my body hurt all the time. I was always exhausted, I longed for my couch. I had no motivation to clean my disaster of a house or car. 2 days after taking the new meds I cleaned out my car. It’s still covered in dog hair, but not trash. I just went to the store and bought black hefty bags and am going to throw out all the stuff that’s been accumulating in my house over the years. I’ve been out with friends. I’ve been socializing more with coworkers and the brain fog has lifted, making conversation easier. It has been years since I’ve felt this way. It’s amazing. I want to do as much as I possibly can while this lasts. I can’t help but feel it’ll be taken away and I want to be productive, but not overly manic-productive. I’ve got all the windows open when I usually have the blinds drawn. It’s a beautiful day and my house needs airing out. + +The best part is my father, who was against meds for years, pointed out the fact that meds can plateau and you might need to switch them up. And then if those stop working you might need to switch back to the original meds. I was blown away. He did all of this research on his own. My shitty mother stayed silent, then started talking about herself, as usual. But I didn’t care. I’m lucky to have my dad and to have a successful meds switch. + +Just wanted to share. I wish the feeling and relief I have right now for all of you.",Bipolar +46980,"Tired of ""Surviving"" Episodes, Feeling Demoralized Hi BipolarReddit, + +I'm having a rough time lately and I was hoping you could offer me some advice. I was diagnosed with BPD about four months ago, and have had developing symptoms for about a year. I have a therapist, my toolbox of coping skills is extensive but that's all I'm doing: coping. I have recently decided to pursue getting medicated and getting my moods stabilized. The medicine has not started to affect me yet (which I understand is normal) and I'm getting very demoralized. I'm tired of ""surviving"" with BPD. I want to thrive, and feel happy. I don't want to be constantly worried and unsure of my decision making skills because I'm manic or depressive. I know that eventually I will find a medication that works for me, and I will be able to cope better and thrive. I'm just feeling extremely demoralized and defeated lately. I need to find ways to imporve my morale and will to keep fighting through this. Please help me. + +Sincerely, + +NewandImproving",Bipolar +46981,"Bipolar and PPD Hi everyone. I’m really, really struggling today. I was diagnosed with bipolar ll in 2010. I gave birth to my first child in June of 2016. While pregnant I was on a very low dose of my medications I had taken before I became pregnant. We were not trying to get pregnant but ended up conceiving on our wedding night. After giving birth I started suffering from PPD. I hated my daughter, wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. I sought treatment at a private hospital that had a mother-baby ppd program. I had my tubes tied to prevent another pregnancy and I thought that was a great idea. I thought I was one and done. After the tubal ligation I had a lot of other complications which lead to my having a full hysterectomy. + +I guess the reason that I’m struggling is because I so badly want to have another child. I want my daughter to have a sibling. I want to bless my home with another little blessing. My daughter is now the biggest joy in my life. Of course I still struggle with my bipolar. I’m on a constant roller coaster. I do know that if you have ppd with an early pregnancy you are bound to have it with one that follows. + +I honestly don’t know why I’m posting this and not sure if I will go through with posting it. I can’t talk to my husband about this because he definitely does not want another child. I’m just so heart broken today",Bipolar +46982,"Jitterbug blues Just upped my dosage of Vraylar and my psych warned it might make me restless. This feeling is so irritating! I stand up and I want to sit down. I sit down and immediately jump back up. My legs won't stop bouncing when I sit still. My arms feel like there is some weird energy thrumming through them. This constant need to move is making it impossible to get work done! + +&#x200B; + +I have a follow-up appointment next week and I can't wait. I'm hoping this feeling goes away by then, otherwise I am likely off to Abilifytown and I haven't heard great things about that medication. Has anyone else experienced this jitteryness? I'm losing my mind!",Bipolar +46983,"If none of the bipolar/antidepressant/antipsychotic/antiseizure medicines do anything to help me feel better & improve my life, does that mean I don't have bipolar disorder? I've had every symptom of bipolar disorder for 25 years. Have seen doctors & tried every bipolar medicinal med you can name. But none of the medications have helped. They've only made me feel worse with their side effects. + + Has anyone else out there had this experience? + + I mean I have every symptom of bipolar disorder, if the medicines don't work does that mean I don't really have bipolar disorder I just have the symptoms? + +",Bipolar +46984,"Lamotrigine Brand Teva has discontinued their version of Lamictal. I'm currently paying out the nose for the brand because my experiences trying anything other than Teva or Brand were pretty disastrous, but this was a few years back. Has anybody had issues being switched to other generics? What brands and what are your experiences? Thanks.",Bipolar +46985,"Crying in my car right now I wrote out a long post about how freaked out I am to feel like I’m re-accepting my diagnosis all over again and then deleted it. But I just would rather say I don’t want to feel so alone so here I am, posting anyways.",Bipolar +46986,"Annoying This disease is the most annoying thing ever. Today, I woke up so depressed for absolutely no reason. I had a great day, but I'm not capable of expressing that right now. Last week I was having the time of my life . I just needed a place to vent since I can't talk about it with anyone else, but I always seem to crash at the most inconvenient times. anyone else relate?",Bipolar +46987,"Antidepressant-induced mania even while on a mood stabilizer? howdy partners + +I have Bipolar Type II and am currently taking 1250mg of Depakote. I'm extremely happy with how well my moods are regulated on this medication; I still have a full emotional range without experiencing devastating highs and lows. However, I also have OCD and GAD, and so my psychiatrist recently prescribed me 10mg of Lexapro. I've only been taking it for around a week, but I'm concerned that it's triggering mania. My mood the last few days has been exactly what it is when I'm entering a manic episode: increased sex drive, irate, distractible, and impulsive. I knew that antidepressant-induced mania was possible, but I thought concurrently taking a mood stabilizer would circumvent that possibility. The fact that it's only been a week encourages me to attribute this to something else, but nothing has happened to trigger anything like this and my moods have been so good as of late. + +It may be worthwhile to note that, while my Depakote blood concentration is in the therapeutic range, it's at the low end. Is it possible that the Lexapro is inducing a manic episode and my blood concentration levels aren't high enough to combat it? Or is a week too short of a time period to induce such a thing and I should just call this a bad week? Has anyone here experienced anything like this? + +thanks y'all",Bipolar +46988,Anyone have an EEG done? What were the results? I get my abnormal readings told to me next week,Bipolar +46989,"Is it possible to be put back on a med and have a completely different reaction to it, even if not much time has passed? I was put on Zyprexa earlier this year and it showed promise, but it really messed with my blood sugar so I talked my doc into taking me off of it and going back on Latuda. The Latuda wasn't working as well ( I made sure to take it with enough calories, so that wasn't the issue), so my doctor put me back on the Zyprexa and we're going to work with my primary care doctor to manage my sugars more aggressively. I started the Zyprexa Friday and since then I've been just miserable. Is this a known thing that happens? Does anyone have any experience with Zyprexa? + +To be clear, I'm not looking for advice on medications to try, or dosing, or anything other than personal experiences. I'm just wondering if anyone has had med switches change up their effects like this, and/or if they're had Zyprexa cause major negative mood shifts. + +Thanks.",Bipolar +46990,"Everything is just the worst, and I can't even give up. I'm about to have a breakdown and don't know what to do I'm so irresponsible and kept wasting so much money, now I'm at risk of losing my job because I know I'm going to fail a drug test. But I don't even know whether theres going to be a test or not. I can't lose this job, I am so fucking close to a promotion, I have so much growth potential. It's perfect for my life right now and I can't afford anything else. My dominant hand is fucked up from work so I can barely use it. My bipolar is I don't even know what's going on. I have to spend the next 3 days traveling for my grandfather's funeral. I've been relying on weed to help and now i can't use that. + +My family is dealing with my grandpas death so I can't go to them for support. My best friend is dealing with his own mental health. My boyfriend is in a rough spot himself. I don't have anyone to turn to and I have no idea how I'm going to make it these even next few days, let alone weeks. + +All I want to do is die and give the fuck up. But how can I do that to my family? My roommate can't afford rent on her own. My boyfriend will be so sad. My friends will be broken. + +I'm just in a continuous cycle of fucked up shit. It's not worth the good times anymore. Like they're great and all, and I use to be able to use that as motivation to go on but now I just don't care. + +I'm freaking out and crying in bed right now, but come tomorrow morning I have to hold it together and pretend everything is okay, go to a funeral without breaking down. I'm struggling with fucking spellcheck right now how the fuck am I supposed to deal with a funeral. + +I'm going to fucking breakdown and everyone is going to have to deal with that. But we'll be across the country and it's my fucking grandfather's fucking funeral what shit timing. Everything is so bad and I want to die I dont even know where I'm going with any of this but I need help. + +My plan was just to get high during the trip but now I cant do that. I have to go back to work Saturday but I also think I need to go inpatient. But how will my roommate afford rent? How will anything fucking work for everyone else. I should just die and they'll deal with that but then it will be over. No future problems. What the fuck do I do",Bipolar +46991,"For those that have taken Lamictal, at what dosage did you start to feel relief of depressive symptoms? I'm transitioning from lithium+wellbutrin therapy to hopefully just standalone lamotrigine. The wellbutrin seemed to lose it's effectiveness after taking it for a few years and the lithium wasn't enough to prevent depressive symptoms. I'm starting to feel better regardless of medications, and have been taking 25mg lamotrigine for a week now. It's unfortunate it takes so long to get up to a therapeutic dose on this medication, but I know it's worth it to be patient. + +I'm just curious when I'll be able to expect the lamotrigine to start affecting my mood vs therapy, diet, exercise, time outside, and all the other things I'm doing to get better.",Bipolar +46992,Benzos Does anyone else have an extremely hard time getting their doctor to prescribe any benzodiazepines even with a history of it being effective and not causing any addictive problems in the past? Everywhere I go they treat me like an addict any time I mention that I’d like to have it for anxiety and panic to be use as needed.,Bipolar +46993,"Is this hallucination? (Small something crawling in the floor) I see something crawling on the floor in my peripheral vision but when i start looking at it directly it just vanish. + +Bipolar 1 + +Current state: + +1. Alone for almost 2 years now +2. 18 years old +3. I left my friends and no familly support +4. Hopeless +5. Close to suicide. ( i'm not sad. I just know that i have to.) +6. I stopped drinking my meds and going to the doctor because i cant afford it. +7. Am i depress? Manic? Idk and i dont care anymore. +8. Dropped out of highschool but i still love learning different field of subjects. +9. Painful intrusive memories and thoughts 24/7 +10. I cant focus at anything anymore +11. Its harder for me to read and comprehend +12. I can't think properly anymore +13. I only listen to soundtracks, classical music and watch films and tvseries. And also surf reddit and youtube everyday on repeat. +14. I'm afraid and no enough energy to get out and interact with people. +15. I'm always anxious. +16. Sleeping schedule is a mess. (Avg. 5 hrs a day) +17. My family doesn't believe or ignorant on mental illness. + + +I dont want to go the doctor anymore because whats the point. I just want to know if i am heading to psychosis. + +Thank you.",Bipolar +46994,"Everyone I just made this account recently for the sole purpose of helping people who need it. I want everyone out there to know that sometimes people just need somone to have a difficult conversation with. Talking out your feelings with someone who will actually hear you and not just wait for their turn to talk can do so much for your mental health. I know that not everyone has that relationship with someone, or can afford therapy -I know I didn't and couldn't- so I want to tell you that if you feel like you need someone to listen I will do it. Send me a message here and I will respond as soon as I can. I promise. +Everyone deserves to be heard, and no one should feel shame for who they are and what they feel",Bipolar +46995,"Stability and the fear of “what if” I had a major depressive episode in the winter of last year and it had taken me almost a full year to reach stability again, or maybe for the first time. It wasn’t until I had this episode that I was treated for bipolar II after a partial hospitalization and a more intense inquiry of my symptoms. I was prescribed mood stabilizers and an antipsychotic for the first time, and I can truly say I now know what stability feels like. So much so that I sometimes wonder if I can still identify with others on this sub. + +It’s days like today though that I get the sinking feeling of “what if it’s happening again”. After a conversation with my mom, she pointed how agitated and combative I was being and I realized over yesterday and today that I’ve been cocky, agitated, and jittery. I also realized that the weather just turned where I live and all these things are the early signs of a hypomanic episode for me and I can’t help but get hit with the fear of “am I ramping up again? Is it going to happen? What will happen to my job if I have an episode? What does it mean for my treatment if it doesn’t work?” + +I know that I’m most likely fine but the sudden fear just makes me realize that no matter how stable I feel, I always need to keep an eye out for the future. I don’t think we will ever be free as we need to be ever vigilant for bipolar to rear its ugly head again.",Bipolar +46996,"Doing very well, but I feel guilty about recent events. Any advice? Hi everyone, + +So I've been kicking life in the butt recently and I'm doing really well at work. I'm so proud of myself and I know that I have the energy to keep going and even push bad thoughts away. + +To put the situation into context, when I was first diagnosed with BPD I took a lot of time off work sick. I then decided to leave and help myself get better. I rejoined my job back in Feb and I think I surprised myself in thriving when I went back. + +So I work in a call centre and if you know what its like working in one, you'll know that diseases and sickness are a minefield. On Sunday night I came down with really bad flu and took Monday off. My team leader was fine with it as they know that this is something that's going round and tbf I sounded awful on the phone. I've also decided to take today off too as I'm not feeling much better. + +I guess I'm feeling pretty guilty about it because I've never had an absence from work since I went back. I'm feeling a little paranoid and worried that my TL might think I'm slipping back into old bad habits of staying of work. I know this is pretty trivial but it means a lot to me that I've improved so much. + +Just wondering if anyone had any advice about feeling a little less guilty about it?",Bipolar +46997,"Falling asleep itchy I have had this problem on and off for a while. Itchy feeling when falling asleep. Just small pinches from some random place to another. I've tried cool showers, lotions, washing bedding, new detergents, etc. At this point I think it is purely psychological, but haven't had much success trying to convince anyone it is real beyond my mind because of lack of rash or hives. + +Anyone else have similar issues from stress or anxiety? Maybe I just need to get that managed in general to relieve this.",Bipolar +46998,"Doc told me to discontinue and I feel awful! Achy all over, the shits, periods of panic and depression. All within a week of the first reduction. Seems like discontinuation syndrome, but I’ve only been on 50mg sertraline for the last two years. When will this end (based on experience)?!",Bipolar +46999,"Stability doesn't mean it's time to get lazy. Stability isn't guaranteed in the future even if you are doing great now. Things happen in life that can change everything. It's important to practice all the good skills you have when you're doing well because you'll need them when life with BD gets hard. + +I have been inpatient free for 10 years. A recent hormonal change has brought me back to a place where I'm getting close to needing it. However, all the good things I've built up are really being put to use now. I'm glad I have that stability toolbox. I also know things can and will get better.",Bipolar +47000,"BP friends? Due to my BP ups and downs I've lost as well as have had to cut out almost all my friends from my life because of toxicity in the friendship. I'm looking to form friendships if possible here with people who can relate. Feel free to message me if you're looking for a friend, a listening ear or even just to vent sometime.",Bipolar +47001,Looking for a psychologist again I had an unexpected emotional response after talking to the Behavioral Mental Health Receptionist. I immediately cried after getting off the phone. It was very strange. Going to my psychiatrist is a lot different. I don't get emotional about that.,Bipolar +47002,"Citalopram and menstruation question Details: I was put on 10mg of citalopram in the beginning of March. I had my last period on March 5th, then began spotting a few days after ovulation (I track my cycles). I am currently 10 days late, I took two HPTs at 3 days late, one came up faint but the next negative. My cycles are pretty regular, never exceeding more than a day or two since I was put on lamotrigine in September. +My psychiatrist told me to stop taking the citalopram on April 2nd as I began experiencing psychosis - yay for trial and error. Anyway, still no sight of my period. I also have my tubes tied, so it is not likely that I am pregnant. + +Question: I know that SSRIs can cause disruptions to the menstrual cycle, but I'm wondering if anyone else here has gone through a similar situation and how long it took for your period to finally come back. +I've tried looking this stuff up, but can't seem to find much of anything.",Bipolar +47003,"Wondering if I could be bipolar So when I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago my doctor told me to watch for any mania because of my family history with bipolar. I hadn’t had any issues until this year. I’ve always been moody and could change at the drop of a hat. But I never considered that abnormal for me. +I had one experience a few weeks ago where I felt I could have been manic. I was at work and just in a great mood, nothing could shake me, overly peppy and talkative. I couldn’t focus very well, my mind was just jumping from thing to thing. My boyfriend who works with me pointed out that I wasn’t acting normal after I had already kind of noticed the elevated mood myself. I was trying not to fixate on it but once he pointed it out it started making me very anxious. +Since then I’ve been keeping track of my moods with an app because my boyfriend also pointed out that it’s not the only time I’ve acted odd and I sometimes don’t notice it at all. +I just started seeing a therapist and when I brought this up to her she told me the feeling has to last days to be mania. From what I’ve read hypomania doesn’t have to be long lasting. +I’m just confused about whether I should be seeking a mood stabilizer because I have been struggling with mood swings. Any opinions would be very helpful for me!",Bipolar +47004,"Can Abilify induce hypomania? TLDR: is it the Latuda or the Abilify making me temporarily hypomanic at night? + +Long version: +I've been on Latuda for 3 years, with a 6 week break at the end of a pregnancy (to avoid neonatal withdrawal). Latuda made me feel like shit, but I took it because it's the ""safest"" during pregnancy, according to 2 psychiatrists I talked to. It made me anxious, nauseous, and kind of caused a sundowning effect where I got depressed at night (I called it the ""Night Dreads""). + +When I stopped taking it at the end of my pregnancy, I felt so much better, but I know I can't stay off medication. I started taking it again, but the side effects were so nasty that I couldn't deal with them with a newborn. + +My psychiatrist put me on Abilify, but I have to cross titrate. I can't just stop the Latuda. I'm down to 15 mg of Latuda a day, and I'm taking 2.5 mg of Abilify. + +I feel muuuuuch better during the day... more like my old self. However, my Night Dreads have gotten a lot more agitated and started feeling like a mild mixed state. So now I'm wondering which to blame - Latuda, or Abilify? The nausea accompanying it sure feels like Latuda. + +I've been down to 15 mg of Latuda for about a week. I'm debating dropping it completely tomorrow and taking the full 5 mg of Abilify. I'm worried about mania... I have a 5 week old to think about. Can I get some opinions? I'm loathe to give up the Abilify, since I feel so much better during the day now. I have a psychiatrist appointment soon, but in the meantime, I'd like to hear what you guys think.",Bipolar +47005,"I somehow nailed my phone interview so well they offered me three bucks more than the starting rate. I’m very happy about it because it’s something I can be proud of, make decent money and keep work at part time which suits my needs perfectly. For two days I’ve just been smiling and laughing and crying haha. Anyway wanted to share.",Bipolar +47006,"How do you live with yourself? A'ight, the title is a bit harsh but it's a question I've been asking myself that for the last month or two. + +I'm 23 and got diagnosed January 2018, and that's when I started on my medication. + +I got the diagnosis after a massive manic episode, and in that manic state I actually thought I had finally found joy in life, and an end to my depression for good. A conclusion to my struggles ect ect. + +But that conclusion was ripped apart as I got the diagnosis. My so called happiness was taken away from me. (but being manic was of course very bad for my health since I hardly ever ate and I did reckless shit. You know classic mania 101) + +When I started on the meds I kept telling myself that one day I'll be stable and then I will find a new and better conclusion/happiness. But it's been a year and I'm loosing my patience because I simply don't feel better than what I did before my manic episode, before the aggressive depression that lasted a year, even before there even was a build-up to that depression. + +(I'm starting to tear up as I write this) + +I can't live with my own thoughts. They always focus on the pessimistic side of things. And even in bright times they seem to spiral down into some negative memory that involves either depression or mania. (all my memories of the mania has turned negative because it's now clear to me how much of an asshole I was, and all the bad/irresponsible shit I did that had consequences on behalf of my friends and people I knew). And these spiraling thoughts always come out of nowhere. + +Whenever I take my meds I get reminded of the fact that I will be taking them for the rest of my life. That I'll never be ""Normal"" and that I might not get to a state where I can call myself happy. + +... Yeah back to the question... How do you guys live with this? How do you cope with the fact that we're not normal? Just... How?",Bipolar +47007,"My new subreddit (mostly) for people experiencing mental health issues in the UK! Hello all! I'd like to introduce [My brand new subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/MentalHealthUK/). As someone from the UK who has dealt with mental health issues for years, I've noticed a lack of active UK spaces and would like to try and change that if there is the demand for it. Anyone is welcome to participate but I would prefer it if people who are not from the UK only talk about their specific healthcare processes/systems if relevant to a comments discussion rather than promoting it - just so we dont get swamped out due to uneven population. I'm hoping it can be a sub where people can either ask questions, give support, vent or promote their own blogs or work if related to mental health/therapy. My inbox is always open too! Thanks for reading if you got this far ??",Bipolar +47008,sometimes I can’t talk right i don’t know if this is a common symptom with other people but I swear sometimes I feel like I mix up my words and I can’t talk right with my medication. does anyone else experience this?,Bipolar +47009,"Riding the wave. All aboard the hypomania train toot toot Went to therapy today, was told I’m hypomanic right now. I think it’s probably and exaggeration, but holy crap I feel so good right now. How can I be hypomanic if I felt like shit literally two days ago I don’t understand. I’m also on abilify and an SNRI , but I may or may not have forgotten to take my meds a couple days ago I should really get a pill case thing. Like 90% sure I took it. + +Anyone else go from feeling like shit to hypomania in 2 days flat?",Bipolar +47010,"Does exercising help? Hey, I know that exercising can be helpful for people with depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. Has anyone here been able to maintain a workout routine and has it helped with your bipolar at all? If so what kinds of exercise have helped the most? Cardio? Lifting? Thanks!",Bipolar +47011,"Latuda Anger Has anyone experience severe bouts of explosive anger when starting Latuda? My spouse was on Latuda a few years back. It worked amazing like a miracle drug but our insurance wouldn't cover it after the office ran out of samples. We have different insurance now so its covered but it doesn't seem to be working like it did last time. Also, we are on week two of taking it every night. She doesn't sleep and gets super angry a few times a day.",Bipolar +47012,"It's my cake day and I just want to send love to the kind and wonderful people of this sub. Hang in there, everyone. I grew up with a toxic family, was depressed on and off since I was a kid, life-long ED, trauma, bipolar 2, med-induced psychosis, MASSIVE episode that lasted 2 years... now I've been stable for over a year and it is like nothing I ever dreamed of. It took me 3 years to get my meds right and 2 rounds of DBT (plus I've been in therapy for 5 years and counting) to learn how to regulate my emotions and cope in general. It's a long haul but it's possible. + +I'm not cured and I'm still dealing with some shit. I probably always will be. But I think I can actually do this. I think a good life is actually be possible for me. + +Not to be nauseatingly positive (I know that can be hard to palate) but... I think a good life is possible for you folks too. I'm sorry you (we) all have to deal with this nightmare of a disorder. Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.",Bipolar +47013,"Does the stomach upset from latuda ever go away? I’ve been on it around 15 days, and I am so so sick. I’ve been taking it with 350+ calories. Please tell me this stops.",Bipolar +47014,It’s like having a middle life crises every few weeks When I clean my room I just flash back to all my projects and passions that I just NEEDED to pursue completely. All the emptied bank accounts. Long hours working on it then losing interest when I spiraled down. Nothing but scrap and shame to show for it,Bipolar +47015,"I feel like it is time I thought about creating a throwaway for this but I guess it just doesn't matter. I have bp1 with PTSD. I'm going through a mixed episode right now, have been for a few weeks. I thought I could keep it under control, but that didn't work well. I'm in a foul temper, everything is going wrong all the time. I'm knocking shit over constantly. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I can't handle crowds or noise and I work in a loud, crowded building. I can't focus. I just feel like I'm falling apart. My brain is unleashing a torrent of self loathing like I haven't experienced in a long time. + +I know this is hard on my family. My wife and kids are worried, and tired of dealing with my sorry ass. I just don't want to keep doing this. I was misdiagnosed until the age of 40 (6 yrs ago), so I've spent most of my life riding this damn roller coaster and I don't know if I can keep doing it. I do feel like it is time to just exit stage left. I'm miserable and I'm making others miserable. I feel an exhaustion so deep that I don't think it will ever end. + +I don't know if I really have the guts to go through with a suicide, but I do know that the idea is very inviting right now. I have a plan that I know will be successful. I'm scared of what that would do to my children and there is still a very tiny part of me that wonders if things can get better. I'll work on making until tomorrow.",Bipolar +47016,"Fucking thrilled with myself Last year I royally fucked up my life. + +Got my car repossessed. Lost my apartment, thankfully eviction free. Still have last months rent in collections. You can guess how that haunts me now. Oh and I stopped going to school during my last semester of undergrad. I fully believed I could start a business with no job to sustain my income. Only deliveries for various on demand services. + +Yippee! + +Got accepted to finish undergrad in the fall today. Cool. But I can't escape the feeling of how much I fucked up and how I'm still struggling to get some things right. Even though I'm correctly medicated now, I still keep fucking up. Still doing delivery driving with different car. Can't bring in enough to pay even the smallest of bills. + +I'm just trying to piece shit together one day at a time, but swear I'm one snarky reminder about a bill away from blowing up. + +2018 is continually haunting me right now and I'm overwhelmed. Just want to find a regular job...",Bipolar +47017,"DAE feel like you’re wasting your life when depressed and then have to “make up for lost time” when manic and do EVERYTHING? I constantly worry I’m wasting my time/youth doing the wrong thing or nothing at all. I just got out of a ~3 month episode where I barely left bed or talked to anyone. I’m better now but I have so much boundless energy/drive that I don’t know where to direct it. + +I know this is irrational thinking — I’m about to graduate from college and I’m on track to grad school. I do things with friends. I travel. But I worry I’m going to look back at my early twenties and be like “you spent your youth doing THAT?” + +Then when I’m manic I kinda go off the rails and do things I didn’t even want to do but felt compelled to. It’s wack. Anyone else feel this way sometimes?",Bipolar +47018,"I swore to myself I would never get into another relationship after this wretched illness destroyed my marriage, and literally eliminated each of my friendships like a world class sniper. Found someone finally.... And then I’m told today that all too familiar, “I deserve better, you are not emotionally available, I’m very needy and you’re not here even when you’re here.” Pink slipped back into absolute loneliness. Fuck.",Bipolar +47019,"Bipolar or just depressed? I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 17 (I'm 22 now) and used to have rapid cycling. In the past two months I lost my insurance and ran out of medication for a little more than a month, but I haven't noticed a difference between taking my medication or not. It seems like the pills didn't make a difference like they weren't working. The only thing I've noticed is being maybe a little more cranky and annoyed. Am I not bipolar anymore? + +Sorry for rambling it was a little hard to get all the words out.",Bipolar +47020,"Lithium and mood stabilisation. Hey guys, I have been diagnosed with bipolar affectivw disorder and put on lithium, for 2 weeks no, i'm on 500mg and it pretty much has no effect, also on latuda(anti-psychotic, 1 month) 40mg and seroquel IR (3 months) 200mg (sleep). + + +It almost feels like my hypomania can't be stopped with this combo. +Wouldn't a significant amount of my dopamine be blocked at this point? +How can I be constantly hypomanic for 6 days and be on lithium, my friend tried 250mg and was FLOORED. +He said he felt extremely dedated and drunk, clurring his words etc and sleeping for like 12-14 hours, I'm lucky to get 7 hours sleep myself.. + + +I understand i'm tolerant to seroquel and probably getting used to latuda but this is rediculous, I've had serious arguments with rind, coworkers and family due to my expansive mindset and irritability/rages. (usually at retards at work, or stupid people in public, Iwould like to believe its justified, since theyre retards, but even that sound slike a hypomanic thing to say. + + +Anyway, send your xperiences to this space, I'm keen to get an idea of how other people xperience such combinations, especially the lithium side of things, thanks for taking the time to read this :)",Bipolar +47021,"Good Vibes Request On the job hunt again. Totally scared shit-less because of my inability to stay stable in previous positions, but I have to keep at it, right? Thank you!",Bipolar +47022,"What are you good at? I was just thinking today as I work on a painting and deal with soul sucking depression that I AM extremely talented. I’ve gotten full ride scholarships for Art school, I have won state awards, I don’t think I’ve ever not gotten into a juried show, I rule. I know how easy it is to get caught up in your negative qualities (especially with mental illness) but what are your strengths?",Bipolar +47023,"My brother is having a manic episode, I'm flying over tomorrow so I can bring him back to America. How should I approach this? My brother is vacationing in a South Asian country for a month with his wife but he's Manic and it's hurting relationships with not only his wife but other relatives. My uncle passed away Thursday, and he had a traumatic heartbreak which what probably heightened his mania some more. He even beat his my nephew (same age as me) out of anger, and then apologized but went back to physical violence. I am really scared, that he would go to violence, he's a sweet nerdy guy who would never hurt anything, which has surprised and stressed me out. I just bought the plane ticket just now. I want to bring him over to America, have him change his return flight from April 30 to earliest possible so he can see his psychiatrist. How should I approach him about this? + + +He has the exact same symptoms as listed here , so Its specific to bipolar + +https://www.verywellmind.com/symptoms-of-mania-380311",Bipolar +47024,"A day in the mixed episode from hell...I’m getting worn down. *I apologize for the long post...I don’t know if I just need to get this off my chest because I don’t have anyone to talk to right now, or if I need to share in hope of being reassured by other BP folk that it will get better...all I know is I feel like I can’t do this anymore* + +I’m at a loss here guys...I’ve been in a horrible, predominantly manic mixed episode for two weeks now. My stress tolerance is zero. I wake up energetic and motivated but that quickly turns into me being irritable, irrational and frantic. It’s become so predictable and routine in the last two weeks I know how it goes. Every day around noon something small will set me off. It’s like this overwhelming amount of intense, frantic emotion has been building up all morning and then it’s just too much. Suddenly I’ll be having a panic attack or bawling because of an overwhelming sense of despair and heartbreak. It physically breaks me down. As soon as it happens, it ruins any chance of getting any more work done for the day (I work from home, self-employed). + +Inevitably I force myself to take my “I give up” pill...Klonopin...and sit there crying, shaking and paranoid until it kicks in. Then I lay in bed. I avoid my phone or computer because the slightest reminder of the responsibilities I have and am shirking sends me spiralling into a cycle of self/hatred, panic and desperation to be rid of these expectations and responsibilities. This meltdown lasts until I am emotionally exhausted and end up just laying there...numb...except for the twinge of the feeling that suicidal ideation brings. I don’t know what feeling it is...relief that there could be a way out? That is quickly followed by a wave of guilt and hopelessness that hits me like a fucking brick for thinking of putting my family through that after everything they’ve done for me. + +Sometimes by supper time, the whole ordeal is over and now I’m just depressed...it’s more manageable depression though. The kind that blinds me from seeing any hope in the future at all, but that I can at least watch a meaningless tv show to distract myself. By 8:00 my mind starts racing again, flooded with ideas on how to “fix” my life and do better tomorrow...I convince myself that if I just do _____ tomorrow maybe I can prevent it from escalating like it did today. Maybe meditation, taking my clonazepam earlier, setting more realistic goals, minimizing any stressors, journaling...or changing careers, going to school, moving, getting a divorce...the list goes on. If I’m careful and lucky for the rest of the night, nothing will shatter that illusion of hope for the next day. If not, I cry myself to sleep. + +I’ve never had an episode that is this predictable. It makes it all the more frustrating that I can’t do anything about it...if I know what’s coming, why can’t I do something to prevent it from escalating? Why can’t I cope better? I’m almost certain tapering off of the last antidepressant I was on (Trimipramine) triggered the episode...but I spent months tapering down and followed my psychiatrists directions to the tee. I know the Trimipramine was possibly suppressing some of the effects of my other medications as well and that the doses likely need to be tweaked now that I’m off it, but my psychiatrist is gone for two more weeks. I will just have to wait it out. The timing is horrible, I’m a full-time artist and I am in a show in two weeks that I need to finish preparing for. I need it to go well and if this continues I’m just not going to have the inventory to make it a profitable show...and damn do I need the money right now. Saying all that, maybe it’s stress induced and coming off the antidepressant is just amplifying everything. + +If you read though all of that... thank you. I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I do have a supportive partner and family but I can only put so much of my shit out there before I start feeling like a burden to them. Feeling like that doesn’t help anything.",Bipolar +47025,"???? am i cured??????? After an intense manic episode that ended in me trying to kill myself and being admitted into a mental hospital I was diagnosed as BP. My psych doesn't know which one I have, but ever since then I've been taking lithium along with Wellbutrin. He's upped my dosage which ended up in me feeling sick, so I haven't been taking meds for almost 4 weeks. I've been feeling quite.... weird. I don't want to kill myself, but I do think about how life is meaningless and I dissociate quite a lot to escape my dull reality. I've gotten my attention span back and I have a will to read books again. I was feeling a little manic earlier, but now I feel ????stable???? is that the word? This is so strange- not having extreme ups and downs, plus I'm not taking meds. I'n confused and scared I'm going to experience a huge crash.",Bipolar +47026,"Prescribed Lamictal, but I haven't been diagnosed as Bipolar. **I'm wondering if this is normal. I have done extensive research and I am 100% sure I don't have any of the various types of bipolar disorder. I have never had a manic episode, and most of the symptoms I've read about have not occurred to me. I would really appreciate some advice or anecdotes regarding those who were put on Lamictal but do not have a bipolar diagnosis.** + +I have been on various depression medications over the course of 15 years, and till trying to find medications that work for me. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (including Panic Disorder), Depression, and PTSD. Every day, I experience depression for most of the day, and lately, my baseline of anxiety is high all the time, and at times has spiked so high that I have had mood swings (which is very uncommon for me). But the thing is, my mood swings from being depressed to being angry, irritated or just so unhappy and overwhelmed that I cry. Not happy or excitable. + +The medications I'm on are Gabapentin (prescribed for a chronic pain disorder, not depression), Wellbutrin & Buspar; I am convinced the Buspar is not doing enough for my anxiety, but this week my doc increased my dose to 3 times a day ""to give it one last shot"". Then he said he wanted to add Lamictal into my daily routine because it would help with my mood swings. He didn't really explain much more than that. I told him I didn't feel like the mood swings were my problem because they are being caused by my anxiety, which is not being controlled. + +**Does this story sound familiar to anyone? Should I lose my skepticism and just give Lamictal a shot? Does my doctor think I have bipolar depression and isn't telling me?** This post is in no way meant to avoid a true diagnosis from my doctor. + +*Side note: I fully respect and empathize with those that have bipolar disorder, especially due to my exposure to the podcast Jen Gotch is Okay...Sometimes"" (I am a big fan of her creative endeavors through Ban.do and other projects, so I gave it a listen, and highly recommend). She is trying to erase the stigma of bipolar, and explains her bipolar disorder to reach out to those who either don't understand the disorder or to those who are experiencing something similar.*",Bipolar +47027,"Maybe I'm just an asshole I have been recently diagnosed and medicated and my mood stabilizers have really helped. But today I was walking in the parking lot with my daughter and a guy in a jeep drove aggressively fast towards us and I gave him a ""slow down"" arm wave. Now I think if I was in a normal state I would have just ignored him but I felt confrontational I guess. He yelled out the window to use a crosswalk. It's a parking lot? And i called him some rude names. He then took a lap around the parking lot to again yell at me ""that's how you act infront of your daughter?"" So I doubled down and called him even worse stuff. What the hell was that? I wish I had just said nothing and now I'm dwelling on it. Maybe I am just an asshole.",Bipolar +47028,"How do you all keep up with cleaning while having bipolar disorder? So my brother works too much, my mother can barely move these days because of pain, and in the end, the cleaning often falls on the woman with bipolar disorder. + +I'm not too too torn up about it, because hey, I don't have a full time job, and sometimes it's fun. But predictably, some days I end up not being able to clean. And it gets messy, real fast---especially the dishes, which I hate doing, doubly so when I'm depressed. + +I was wondering if any of you have managed to figure out a system for cleaning that works alongside your bipolar disorder, not against it? I'd love some tips and advice.",Bipolar +47029,"Food. Anyone else have a hard time enjoying food? When I'm depressed I eat junk, and when I'm up I barely eat at all. My eating habits are so disordered that when I'm stableish I don't care enough to fix it because I know I'll shortly be back where I started yet again. + +I know that's terribly defeatist of me. It just feels so pointless.",Bipolar +47030,"Abilify I'm sorry if this has been discussed before. I just started Abilify. I'm currently on lamictal and welbutrin. I was doing pretty good, but then I added the Abilify and it has made me extremely irritable. Is this normal? Will it subside in a few weeks?",Bipolar +47031,"DAE feel like they’re way too extroverted for their SO? My new bf and I (he’s 25, I’m 22) are doing great, but after a night out (or even a night in drinking/staying up late) he feels drained. I’m always ready to go. I know he’s an introverted type, but I’m wondering if this is worth pursuing because I feel like I’m “too much” personality for him. He’s mentioned it, but he says it’s good and it keeps him on his toes. Idk. I’m looking for feedback before I bring this up. He’s quite a logical thinker and I don’t want to worry him if it isn’t worth it. + + +I’m just so excited and ready to go out all the time..>.<",Bipolar +47032,Bipolar and Burning Bridges? Is this a common thing with bipolar? A friend of mine has been in 40 relationships because he is physically not able to make amends. He’s unmedicated - self medicates with alcohol. He has very unrealistic expectations of himself and others. Doesn’t think he needs anything or anyone.. Has anyone ever been through something similar?,Bipolar +47033,"Moodswings Affecting Dating Life- Any Advice Please? Ya know that thing where one moment you think ""their loss I'm amazing and they're missing out, I'm independent and living my own life"" and the next it's ""something is wrong with me and this is why I'll be forever alone""? + +Yeah... How do you deal with that? I've been avoiding dating for as long as I could and finally joined an online dating app since I couldn't really connect with people in person. Finally I found someone that I clicked with and after our first date I think he's lost interest but I'm not sure cause mixed signals and my own paranoia symptoms might be it?? + +I know for a fact that dating is kind of exacerbating my hypomanic symptoms, but the moodswings are getting tiring and I'm beginning to feel myself wearing down from battling my inner thoughts. I don't want to ruin things with this guy or in future dating relationships, and I don't know what to do other than distract myself with my own life.",Bipolar +47034,"Is it my disease or do I just lack character? I'm don't know what to think anymore. I've been diagnosed with bipolar about a year ago and since my second psychosis I've been depressed. + +Here are some of the behaviours that make me question whether I lack character or that it's caused by my disease. + +&#x200B; + +\-I have trouble waking up in the morning. + + Each morning I get up at around 12am even though I went to bed on time. I just hit the snooze button over and over. + + I'm on 3,5 grams of zyprexa daily so that might be a contributing factor. + +&#x200B; + +\-Abandoning my schoolwork + + I'm in my last year of college and I have to write a dissertation. The last 2 months however I've spent oversleeping, playing videogames and watching TV. I literally have one thing to do and I can't bring myself to do it. I'm throwing away my future for some quick fixes. + +&#x200B; + +\-Not sticking to my word + + I've gained some weight (this could also be because of the zyprexa), it's not too bad but it's definitely noticeable. Last week I measured my weight and noticed I'm 8 kilos above my goal weight. So naturally I told myself to stop eating junk food. Well yesterday when I got the chance to order some fried food I instantly went for it. Instead of resisting. + +yesterday I went out to have some drinks for the birthday of a friend. The day before I already had too much beers so I said I wasn't gonna drink alcohol. I started the night of with a soft drink but the moment my friend said let's have a beer I instantly caved... + +&#x200B; + +Sorry for the long post, I would just like some advice. I have a meeting with my psydoc next week and will definitly bring up these things when I see her.",Bipolar +47035,"Needing some help I don't know if this is the right place to ask, and if anyone can help, but I want to know what I can do to help my wife who is having biploar relapse. She came out of the hospital and was better after having our second child, and was fine for years, but now I see the symptoms coming back. + +I've looked all over the net and cannot find a decent resource on how to handle it outside of shoving pills down her throat. + +She doesn't think she has an issue, but I can see it from past experiences. + +I'm more worried about the kids health. I don't want them to see this. + +&#x200B; + +Does anyone know pf any ways I can help her positively?",Bipolar +47036,"Long term recovery I'd been bipolar for years, unmedicated. I tried to get help a few +times, but symptoms would pass by the time I got an appointment, or +didn't seem serious enough. I had a manic episode in 2015. I was +hospitalized and then later went to an outpatients psychosis response +service. Was put on Olanzapine. Later I was put on fluoxetine. After a +while I came off olanzapine and have only been on fluoxetine +since 2016. I also quit drinking in 2016. All that helped and I have +been sober/stable for over 3 years now. + +One thing I've noticed since my psychotic episode is it's been really +hard to make friends. I haven't made any new friends since then, and +I've drifted away from the ones I have. Part of this is just getting +older (I'm 29), but I've noticed when I do meet people I would +potentially care about, I'm just not that invested. I'm also slightly +fatigued the whole time. The fatigue doesn't affect me when I'm cycle +touring, but then we're talking 8+ hours of hard activity a day. I +can't possibly do that every day as a software developer. I cycle +every day commuting for about an hour and a half, so I'm not inactive. + +I don't have much ambition any more and it really feels like life is +passing me by. One of the most noticeable things about this is that +when I was actively bipolar I would be fixated on people. I was in +love with someone I'd say continuously for 9 years (not the same +person). But now I haven't really been attracted to anyone since I was +treated. Obviously the previous thing wasn't healthy; but nowadays I +try to date but I just don't develop any attachment to them. I'd say +it's lack of sex drive, but it's broader than that because I'm also +like this with potential new platonic friends. It'd be great to have +something in the middle. + +I'm not sure how to approach this. I've been thinking it may be the +change of being sober and treated along with the trauma of having had +such a serious episode; but alongside that I've been wondering if it's +something more basic like emotional blunting from fluoxetine, so I'm +thinking of talking to my doctor; but she's a GP and I don't have a +dedicated psychiatrist any more. Counselling is really expensive and I +used to just get it on the NHS. Not sure how to approach looking for +it myself. A lot of this may not even be a bipolar-specific thing so +much as like a personal development/life situation thing. + +Has anyone had experience with this kind of problem and how did you +approach it/what helped? + +Thanks all",Bipolar +47037,"Hello Darkness my old friend So I have been cycling more and more often lately, primarily triggered by the fact that im getting the run around with unemployment and haven't been paid since before xmas from them and im starting to have that fight or flight response happen. Just this week I started again having thoughts of what bridge locally I wanted to jump off, if that would be effective or should I find a parking garage instead. I keep flirting with that edge between just thinking and crossing over and carrying it out and a few things stopping me but lately a big trigger has been my family that I live with. + +Had I not irrationally quit my job last fall esp when I knew the new job offer I had was not in stone yet, I feel that I would of been on the path of moving out finally, and since then im starting to realize that I may never obtain that goal. I'm in the IT profession and frankly a trigger lately is helping my mother especially with IT issues almost every single day, often times things I have shown her before how to resolve but then she sits there and claims I never had which further enrages me and triggers me to start rapid cycling again. + +Oh should also mention I have been off medication since last summer. And at this moment I am safe, this is mostly a vent vs a note I am leaving to be found. To be quite honest its fucking disturbing how my mental well being is so tied to my financial well being. My old job may of sucked, but at least I was starting to dig myself out of debt, now I am just being suffocated by it to the point that I just laugh at collection letters and calls. + +I really have no desire to restart things at my old dr office as I just did not feel like anything was being changed for the better. Hell at times dealing with their buraracy at times was a trigger in of its self.",Bipolar +47038,"High functioning bipolar I hate the fact that this exists. ""Look, that person has bipolar disorder! What's your excuse?"" It enrages me. Someone with an SO, job, college education, independent living situation, transportation, what more could the universe fucking owe you? ""Someone made a joke about the weather being bipolar!"" WHAT? ""I wish I wasn't high functioning so people would realize I have a severe illness."" **WHAT?!** + +Absolutely infuriating.",Bipolar +47039,"Benzo Tolerance Issues Hey everyone, I've been on benzos for about a year and a few months (Klonopin at first and now Xanax on top of it) and I've noticed that not only have I grown a tolerance (which I obv. expected) but it's gotten to the point where it barely does anything, even if I take higher dosages. I started at .5 mg of Klonopin and now I'm at up to 1.5 mg per day (prescribed by my doctor). Even at the upper level it doesn't do much. With Xanax, I have to take like 3-4 mg just to feel what I used to get with .5 or 1 mg. Of course I know that's getting to the point of substance abuse which is a problem I don't wanna have. + +Has anyone else experienced benzo tolerance getting to a point where you have to take very excessive amounts just for a small benefit? Also, I'm considering tapering down for a short while so that if I end up taking more than my regular dose it actually helps instead of barely registering. Do a few weeks of taking lower amounts help somewhat reset tolerance for any chronic benzo users or does it just cause withdrawal to worsen/is not worth it? Looking for any advice, thanks! (I posted this on r/bipolar as well if that's fine)",Bipolar +47040,"Have any of you tried TMS? I told my doc today how it seemed to be a pattern that I have a crisis, change meds, but there's always another crisis (depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and desperation the sure knowledge that nothing will ever change). Still haven't found a med or combo that works long term. My former med list is as long as my arm, with all the side-effects in the world but always another crisis. So she suggested looking into TMS. I'm going to be patient and wait until I finish (if I finish, at the rate I'm going, long story) EMDR therapy just to give it a fair shake, and I'm doing my own research, but I also wondered about the community's experience was. Did you notice improvement after trying TMS therapy? For how long? How many sessions did you have to have? What did it feel like? Did your personality change? What features of your illness did it particularly affect? Thanks!",Bipolar +47041,"Posting here for the first time I'm a 24 year old guy with a history of depression and anxiety which I've gotten much more under control, but I've definitely developed bipolar tendencies. I'd call it more cyclothymia than anything, the depression isn't too bad and the mania isn't too insane anymore, but they're there. Just wanted to post. Thanks.",Bipolar +47042,"Not sure this is allowed — how to know if a loved one is suffering through an undiagnosed bipolar manic episode. Throwaway — I am worried he will read this, and will only make things worse. + +[Since December — he has hit all of the signs.](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/313571.php) + +Could also be asked this way — how did you know you had bipolar disorder.. and if it was from a severe manic episode, how did you get help and stop your manic behavior? I have a loved one going through what looks like it hits all the signs — and of course I could be wrong —but I’m not able to get through to them to get help, even at the risk of losing everything. I’m at a complete loss on what to do, if there’s even anything I can do. Thank you.",Bipolar +47043,"Looking for help/advice? Okay I've never posted here before... Bipolar II here. + +So, I'm definitely hypomanic right now but I feel like it's different somehow this time? I was diagnosed relatively recently, and this is the first time I'm actually cognizant of the mood shift. I'm slightly alarmed; it started where I was having trouble concentrating. That morphed into a sort of word-salad where it'd take me awhile to come up with words that were on the tip of my tongue, or I'd say the completely wrong word. (example as I just was typing this! ""Diagnosed relatively recently""--I had to stop and think how to phrase that because I wanted to type ""soon-ish"", but could not for the life of me remember the word ""relatively"".) + +At work today and it's been rough. Well, that's an understatement. I feel like I'm literally having to corral my brain. Cannot concentrate AT ALL. Making really stupid mistakes. Fleeting thoughts I barely have time to even grab onto and process. + +My hypomanic espisodes usually come coupled with wild bursts of creativeness and wanting to do ALL THE THINGS, and I can't get to sleep and can't stay asleep. I've had no problem getting to sleep, but I feel like no matter how much or little sleep I get I'm exhausted? That usually happens when I'm depressed! I don't get it! + +I just am freaking because this whole having trouble thinking and speaking is totally foreign to me. I'm admittedly a bit of a hypochondriac, so I'm sitting here like, DO I HAVE EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA?!? + +Really hoping this isn't too disjointed and makes sense. I'm just wondering if anyone gets reeeeally spacey when hypomanic??? This is nuts...also just totally forgot something I was going to put. Oh well. I have a psych appointment coming up so I'll bring this up, but that's a week away unfortunately... thank you.",Bipolar +47044,"Does anyone take Depakote in the morning? I called my psychiatrist because I've been feeling pretty manic and can't get an actual appointment until May. He's increasing my Depakote from 1,000 mgs (2 pills at night) to 1,500 mgs (1 pill in the morning and 2 at night). Depakote has made a huge difference for me but one reason I was taking a lower than average dose is because a full dose (2,000 mgs I think?) knocked me off my feet, I couldn't get out of bed, I was disoriented, I spent 2 weeks in a haze before the doctor cut my dose in half and then I was fine. I really do think the higher dose will help the mania but it still causes some fatigue when I take it at bedtime, am I going to be exhausted all day if I take 1/3 of a dose first thing in the morning?",Bipolar +47045,"Does anyone experience rage regarding silly things? I’ve spoken in detail about feeling angry to my therapist and find that I have no idea how to express anger which leads me into the rages about things that piss me off. The issue for me is I don’t express my anger outwardly, I’m just boiling inside. Like raging so much I feel like I could rip through a wall and it takes me sometimes days to pass and an ungodly amount of energy to expel the feelings. Does anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +47046,"I cannot think or focus at work. Hello all, + +Bipolar 2 here. I just switched off of Abilify to Rexulti to combat some depression issues I was having. Psych told me Rexulti would be stronger in that regard. Also on Lamictal and Effexor. I think that’s actually all I’m on, as I weened off a few others (Ritalin, Straterra, Vistaril). Anyway: I used to function really well at my old job. I worked in shipping and did well enough to be promoted to a manager position when the company grew a bit. I threw it away because the money was not worth it even though I was mostly happy. Fast forward 18 months and I’ve had this new job at an insurance broker for 11 months. I work in the billing department. It’s a great job, with great coworkers, good pay, and strong benefits. I stumbled a bit a month or so ago. Took an entire month off work to try and fix myself. Back to work with a great accommodation: working from home. However, I cannot focus well enough to get my work load done. Even if I give my SO anything I would use to distract myself, I just stare at the computer and space out. Boom. 40-50 minutes go by and it feels like a couple seconds. I’m starting to get paranoid about being fired for lack of progress. Which makes it even harder to focus. I need help. I go to therapy, consistently take my meds, but I just can’t seem to get over this hurdle and I need to. I have a family to take care of. + +Any help is appreciated. Thank you.",Bipolar +47047,"Brief mourning period for 4 months of stability Well, it happened again. Hubris is indeed my downfall. + +I tried taking Vyvanse again, at a lower dose than the previous dose that made me manic. And I was OK for about a week before the symptoms started showing up. Namely, lying (about anything) and some risky behaviors. Luckily, not drinking and drugs, but I did take a hit off of a vape pen, which I know is super bad for my brain (no matter how much analog weed I can smoke.) I decided on Saturday to stop taking it. + +And Sunday I blew up. + +We were having a disagreement about how to best spend our day on Sunday. I wanted to stay Very Busy, and he wanted to take his time. Which is no big deal at all and shouldn't have been what set me off. But it did, and I was in the History of Pain. + +My History of Pain is a mindset I get into when manic brain meets remotely challenging parts of my relationship. Suddenly, I am the victim of circumstance and have been forever and will be forever: He doesn't love me, he's shown how he doesn't love me in every action, and on top of that, I don't deserve love for how terrible I am and the terrible things I've done. + +And then I'm hitting myself in the head over and over and over, and bashing my skull into anything I can get my hands on. + +And then it subsides, and I'm crying, and he wants to get away from me, and I don't understand. + +And then it's quiet, and he's mad and I'm still crying, and it seems like I'll never stop and we'll never be happy again. + +And then it's quiet, and he's quiet and I'm quiet. + +And then we're in the car and talking about the news, and all I want is to be held, but that's asking too much too soon. + +I should've trusted my body sooner- there were warning signs that the Vyvanse was going to push me over the edge, and I went willingly. And why? Because Vyvanse would help me achieve my goals, surely, but at the cost of myself and him. + +Everything has a cost, and this cost was too high. Sure, he and I are OK now, but there's the threat of so many next times, and eventually, he'll walk.",Bipolar +47048,"I want to go to crisis counseling but I know there’s nothing they can do So I might be manic, idk for sure but this weekend I partied a lot and did hard drugs and my sleep was all fucked and when I finally got some sleep it was full of horrible disturbing nightmares. I’m so impatient and time is moving so fucking slowly. Idk if I’m manic, I feel fine inside, but I think my partying behavior is a little off. I kept hurrying my friends to get to the next party, to take more shots faster, etc etc and they were like dude what is wrong with you? But they were just moving so fucking slow. I’ve been exercising and really paranoid my parents or the government can read my phone. My college has crisis counseling and I’ve been before when i was too manic to take a midterm, and it was helpful because they wrote me a note to take the midterm at a different date. I feel like I should maybe go again, honestly because the nightmares are so gross and making me scared to sleep. I should probably wait until the drugs are out of my blood first though. But anyway, I want to go to crisis counseling but idk what they could do for me. I can’t get medication because the school pharmacy doesn’t take my insurance and everywhere in town is either not accepting new patients or doesn’t take my insurance. It’s literally hopeless, there’s absolutely no way for me to access medication. If I go to crisis counseling all they can do is determine if I’m actually manic I guess but realistically there’s nothing they can do to actually help me. I have a hard time even believing I’m bipilar, I know this behavior isn’t normal but I don’t feel crazy or weird, I feel normal, I think my behaviors are just a little bit out there right now. Idk why I’m posting I guess I just needed somewhere to vent.",Bipolar +47049,"Do you have a feeling of waiting? I don't work, don't contact people for months and barely leave home. Sometimes there is a feeling that something GOOD and is about to happen in the near future and I get very excited and happy-nervous. + I know that nothing beyond ordinary is not going to happen yet it's hard to fall asleep and just do whatever I do during the day because that mysterious something is about to happen! But after some time I stop feeling that. + +Do you get this kind of thing?",Bipolar +47050,Opinions: Stopping Abilify I'm on Abilify only and it's been keeping me stable for a few weeks but I think I've been feeling more irritable and starting fights more. I want to stop taking it. Is there any withdrawal symptoms that will make this unbearable? I see my psych on Friday and will tell them I want to get off it.,Bipolar +47051,"Bipolar w/ ASMR (sidenote on New Age culture & spirituality) Anyone else experiences ASMR on top of your manic episodes? I have type 1 ASMR and Bipolar 1 and I've found it to be a deadly combination. When manic, I'll come up with these metaphysical laws and--despite how compulsive and irrational as fuck they are-- get this huge flood of stimulation from the back of my head all the way to my feet that makes it seem like the universe is confirming my understanding. It got to a point in my development where I believed I was given the date of the end of the world and that the afterlife was split 80% enslaved and 20% saved. + +Months later, my life has blown into ruins and what was once seeming so inexplicably clear now seems psychotic. Is there a lesson to be had from all of this or can it all be written off as manic thinking? + +Sidenote: what's extra complicating on top of all of this is the thirst that new age culture seems to have on pondering spirituality and metaphysics. On the one hand, it's nice that there is a community (albeit niche) that embraces neurodivergence and ""out of the box"" thinking. On the other, I'm finding it dangerous because of the community's willingness to affirm these manic thoughts that Im having as reality. The twofold affirmation had me push towards accepting all these thoughts as absolute truths and burning bridges with people that wouldn't accept what I was experiencing. This ended up being a lot of fucking people and I ended up homeless. + + + +Yes, I understand that ASMR is a scientifically controversial subject, but it seems there are enough people out there that experience the symptoms of it to talk about it. If you don't know what I'm talking about: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomous_sensory_meridian_response",Bipolar +47052,"No contact order with my best friend has been lifted. Now struggling to rebuild broken relationships. We have spoken, and I was able to apologize. She said she misses me, only wants The best for me, and that I shouldn't hate myself over what I did, but it doesn't feel like enough. How can I move on when the last thing I said to her was that I wanted to cut her veins out. Truth is, I was blackout drunk and meant to say that about myself, but stil... I put my best friend in physical danger and wasn't able to apologize for months afterward. + +Really struggling not to have a relapse. It feels like I put a band-aid over the last year of my life and now that it's time to rip it off, I'm realizing the wound is still bleeding. + +Not sure what the point of this post is. Anyone else been through this?",Bipolar +47053,"Lamictal My doc prescribed 25 mg of lamictal.. ever sense ive started taking it my dreams are so vivid. Not so much nightmares, but just about stuff currently going on in my life. Is this normal???",Bipolar +47054,"Prescriber & therapist make me feel way worse Does anyone else feel like their med prescriber keeps tabs on them like they’re some kind of criminal? I have been stable for years and have even been told my bipolar is in remission, but still see a med prescriber for anxiety. She talks down to me and speaks to me in a manipulative way that feels like subtle interrogation. She puts me in a situation where I don’t have the option to say no to going to see a therapist for something minor I brought up casually about getting flushed when I’m in public... it feels like there is a subtle implication that there will be some type of consequence if I don’t comply. I have never seen a med prescriber in over 10 years who hasn’t treated me like a potential criminal, and like they’re keeping tabs. These people make me feel worse about myself and put me back several steps in my recovery process.",Bipolar +47055,"Physically feel like shit all the time DAE feel sick all the time? Idk if its bipolar related or not, no doctor seems to really want to consider anything else causing me to feel like this. Basically majority of the time I feel like I'm coming down with the flu, I'm nauseous, tired, my bones hurt and feel dizzy. I am just so sick of this, when its paired with a bad/worsening depression living life feels impossible. Today is one of those days, I just want/need to lay in bed and sleep but I have responsibilities. I am just so sick of this, I'm exhausted.",Bipolar +47056,"Struggling to get the help I need! + +Around the age of 19/20 I began struggling badly with my mental health. I began drinking heavily, doing drugs and staying up all night on my PC. Having just enough sleep to sober up a little so I could go to work and live a seemingly normal life. + +One morning I was on the transfer bus from the car park to my office and as it pulled in to the stop before my office I got off the bus and found myself on a train to the seaside. I love the seaside, it is where I go when I need to calm my mind. I texted work letting them know I wouldn’t be in work today then went and found a place to sit! Today was different though, instead of calming thoughts and feeling refreshed, my head was spinning with thoughts like walking into the sea or stepping in front of a train anything to just end it all. + +In a panic I ran back to the train station, getting on the first train home. 35 minuets into the journey the train stopped. A person had stepped out in front of the train I was on. My mind was all over, at the time I was thinking it was a sign. I thought about it for the next 3 hours and had basically talked myself into doing it. By time I had reached my car I had managed to buy enough packets of pills to take my own life. + +I started to take them, I had taken about 100/150 pills and then in a split second I changed my mind. I ran back to the train station looking for help. I was crying so much I couldn’t even get my words out I kind of just threw my empty packets at the feet of the first ‘official’ person I found. + +Within a few hours I was in hospital and my mum was there. The next few days I had explained what had happened. My mum didn’t believe me, she refused to believe it. She would say things like ‘but you’re always so happy’, ‘you have no reason to do something like that’ or ‘it just doesn’t make sense’. + +So that was the first time I really knew I had a problem, work organised for me to see a councilor. I had 6 sessions, but I felt like I was getting nowhere. So, I stopped going. + +I went to my local doctor’s office, and they gave me some pills. Then some more pills and again some more. Most of the time I would just stopped taking my pills as they started causing me problems with my job. A few years later I felt like I was no better, so I decided to start therapy again, and once again I got nowhere, the therapist would call me by the wrong name or show up late. So, I stopped going. After a few months my doctor sent me to a new therapist it was here that my therapist told me she believed I was Bipolar. I felt like I had answers and I could fix it on my own. So, I stopped going. + +A few weeks later I relocated to be with my boyfriend over 100 miles from ‘home’ and from my Doctors. But I felt great, my mind was distracted by all the new things going on I felt happy and normal for once. Boy was I wrong!! Once everything had settled down it hit me and hard! Self-harm was on my mind ALL the time! It still is but since moving to a new house I feel like the change is distracting me right now and everything will come back once I am not so busy. I also feel like I am not good enough and that I am alone despite having an amazing boyfriend and a great job. + +I know that I need to go to my new doctors and get some help but at the same time I don’t want to because I am scared! I don’t know much or anything about the treatment for being Bipolar but if the road is as rocky as it was when I was being treated just for depression I am not sure I could cope. + +I promised my boyfriend I would try and get help, and in my mind, I want to but only when I physically can’t. Like the middle of the night or on a weekend. + +I need help to overcome this by someone who understands how I am feeling but no one does ? + +TL:DR After an attempted suicide I tried to get help and for years nothing worked, I tired therapy and medication. I finally found out I am bipolar, but I relocated before I started treatment and can’t bring myself to go to my new doctor to get treatment. Need advice from someone who understands.",Bipolar +47057,"Bipolar versus ""Trauma"" I have been dxd as Bipolar 1 for the last 5 years, had signs before that. I am on some meds, but we're always trying to find a better combo, and I do weekly ECT which helps the most. I have to do therapy, so I have been the the last few months, and my therapist wanted me to meet the Therapy head Counselor Manager person, and had me take this one 1-4 on each question thing After, my therapist who is still in school to become a social worker, says she doesn't think I'm Bipolar, and the manager comes in and sees the sheet of paper and says something like ""yeah, this is very common for people that think they have Bipolar t's just their Trauma response"" and I'm supposed to hear from the Trauma dept for other info.....but I have been dx'd by more than 1 doctor by this.....this is completely setting me off. I see my regular Psych tomorrow but wanted to know if anyone had any similar experiences....",Bipolar +47058,"Bipolar and pregnant. Hey everyone, im a 20 year old in a bit of a tough and embarrassing situation. Ive been on medication for a couple years but i recently found out i was pregnant and don't really know what to do. My support system is very weak so if anyone has any words of advice or anything useful please message me, or comment and i can message you.",Bipolar +47059,"What is going on with me? I feel like my brain is continuously struggling to figure out if I should cry for hours or go and get a ton of shit done. Like... I have this urge to get all of my course work done but I'm also too sad to care about it. I keep going through these dysphoric episodes. Had one last night in fact. I don't know if it counts as a nervous breakdown or not. I don't know what triggered it. Something just snapped. I started to feel super tense. I considered dropping out of college. I was curled up in a ball for a good 45 minutes crying until my eyes were dried out later that night. And then one thing lead to the next, I was having flashbacks from my emotionally abusive mother. I desperately wanted to cut myself and I hated absolutely everything that I was thinking about. Punching myself in the head. Staring at the scars all over my arms and hating every ounce of myself. I went on a long walk in the night. I probably looked like a crackhead or something. Stumbling around with tears running down my face. I was losing my fucking mind. Later that night, I couldn't sleep and went to bed super late. And now I'm writing this at my school. It scares me that such a thing happened to me and I'm just able to ignore it and start being productive today. Well. Not productive. More barely functioning enough to make it school and back home. I'm so emotionally exhausted, yet wired. It's like there's a continuous battle going on in my head That no one else understands. I hadn't taken anything that night except my Lamictal. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY HEAD. I'm rambling all over the place. Maybe somebody can make something of this. + +tldr. I went insane last night and don't know what to make of it.",Bipolar +47060,"Starting Lamictal Very recently diagnosed and have been prescribed lamictal. That being said, never medicated for anything else, especially not mental health-wise. So, I wanted to put it out to all you wonderful people for any advice, general or specific, be it things to watch out for, make sure of, or anything else. + +Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated!",Bipolar +47061,"Help me. Anyone else had the struggle of being pushed into a wrong diagnosis? Hey so this is my first post here and i need some advice as this has been stressing me out. +Sorry if it’s a bit long . +Basically after about 5 years of therapy at multiple hospitals with multiple people I got diagnosed with bipolar 2. It was such a relief to know what was wrong with me and why these sudden breakdowns and well “mental” episodes had been happening to me. It fit and was comforting having confirmation that it’s not me or who I am. +I have bad depressive episodes roughly every two years, always when I’m perfectly content with my life, no events no reasonable triggers nothing. + +Manics have been less visible to my hospital as well I was off doing “far more important things” +E.g my ,now I look back on it, completely incoherent master piece of an application to a prestigious design school. Instead of attending appointments. Although they did see a couple days which confirmed to them bipolar. + +In between those times I’m just normal happy average George. + +So getting to the point my second admittion to the priory hospital ( private so not related to my previous treatment) happened last year during a depressive episode. In one session my consultant told me he didn’t think it was bipolar. I asked why, his response was nothing more than” you don’t look like someone with bipolar” + +What the fuck does that mean?!? + +So he told me in his opinion it’s BPD. Disregarding my previous YEARS under the nhs who All agreed on bipolar. + +Now I’m out patient and have been back home nearly a year and doing really well despite Having had loss and a difficult home life. he’s referred me to a therapist. Turns out she only treats personality disorders. + +I had my first session with her and she went through the criteria of what is needed for a diagnosis of bpd. ( that’s what he had changed my diagnosis to on my notes!!!) I’ve met him maybe 5 times over two years including inpatient stays. + +Now with bipolar I do have the symptoms she is describing but only when I have episodes. When I made it clear it’s only in episodes that these are present and my episodes tend to be separated by months or years where none of these symptoms exist she scoffed and said that doesn’t matter and ticked them off anyway. + +Im finding it hard having people try to make out that the way I am when I’m ill is a problem with my personality and therefore something I can control. + +I came to this subreddit as I’m hoping you understand how horrible it is for someone to 1. Make out like you have control over this by changing your thinking. 2. And taking away the only thing that makes sense of why I do and say and feel these intense almost out of body episodes. I know full well it’s not like me to go out for three days and not sleep going to random places not having any sense of danger and losing who I am. + +I’m not putting anyone with bpd down. It’s just a very different experience when it feels chemical. I would choose bipolar over bpd any day because I have long periods of time of being normal. +I’m really scared they are going to change my meds and what treatments they’ll give me. + +Anyone had similar to this??? + + +Sorry it’s so long x",Bipolar +47062,How many of you take or have taken Lamictal? I’ve been on Lamictal for over 2 years. I started with small doses but as of August I’ve been at 300 mg a day. The last couple months I’ve been kind of foggy and just haven’t really felt like myself. If it is my Lamictal I don’t understand why it’s just now happening since I’ve been on it for so long. It’s also made my mouth kind of numb for a couple hours after I’ve taken it after I moved up to about 200 mg. Im curious about what other people’s experiences are.,Bipolar +47063,"What do you think? I have a question: + +If someone did horrible things while manic: + +Cheating on spouse, sleeping with prostitutes, breaking up your family, verbal/mental/physical abuse + +Should they be responsible for their actions? What if they didn’t have insight that their disease caused them to behave so abnormally? + +My husband was recently diagnosed as having bpd w psychotic features. For the past year he’s made my life a living hell. + +He’s currently still unstable and delusional. He’s been on treatment w antipsychotics for 3 weeks (almost 4) but delusions are still present. His delusions were all centered around me being unfaithful. This lead him to act extremely abnormal as a result. + +I wonder what will happen if he ever gains insight, is it possible to recognize how his thinking has been ? For any or you who have experienced delusions firsthand, were you able to look back after the fact and realize your thoughts were not consistent with reality? + +Because he thinks/thought I was unfaithful he searched for endless women on dating sites and hook up apps (while he was manic/hyper sexual) He’s now involved with another woman, and told her he’s never been married and doesn’t have children. + +I know if he were stable, he never would’ve behaved this way. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to help! + + +Please advise! + +Thanks everyone!",Bipolar +47064,Antipsychotics without insurance? Any cheap antipsychotics you would recommend. I’ve been on 80mg of Latuda for three years and loved it but I can no longer afford it. Any recommendation would be greatly appreciated.,Bipolar +47065,"About to make a terrible financial decision for my own mental health... As the title says, I'm about to make a stupid decision. + + +We're in debt $4k due to my stupid spending in the past (we all know what this is like.) Here's the thing, I haven't seen my mom in 5 years. I haven't seen any family besides who I brought with me when I moved away, and I miss them so much. Since I left I've had at least one psychotic break, I lost a chance to obtain my dream job, and I lost the chance to graduate this year (something I was on track for in the last few years.) I just want to hug my mom. Even thirty-somethings need to see their mom sometimes. + + +We're going on a vacation back home. It's going to throw us into another $2k of debt even while making use of rewards miles/points. We're already doing it, the plans are set in motion, but I feel really awful that I have to sacrifice more financial security just to get a break from my stressful life. Is this the kind of debt that's ""ok?"" I miss home so much it makes me cry, I need to go back to my roots and find strength there. + + +I guess I just need to know that this is an OK thing to do. I feel so guilty for putting my family in debt and that I can't get a job to pay it all back. I can't keep living like this without the support of my friends and family, and they're all so far away :(",Bipolar +47066,"manic/hypomanic thoughts i’m 18 years old, recently diagnosed and medicated. i’m not sure if it’s type one or two because i cant tell if i’ve technically reaches mania or if it’s just been hypomania. but during my last episode (at 17) i got involved with a 21 year old and ended up sexually assaulted (among much more) but because i was so “high” i didnt care at all in the moment and didn’t even realize that’s what it had been until other people pointed it out afterwards. and i still didn’t care until i had a pregnancy scare and my uncle died and i fell into a depressive episode and realized i had been sexually assaulted, which was hard to deal with mostly in the fact that i hadn’t cared at all. this did end in me going to the hospital when i “came down” but not being hospitalized, so i don’t know if it technically would be considered a manic episode or just hypomanic? now i can tell i’m teaching a high again because i don’t care about the situation or think about it negatively at all anymore. i’m not sure if i’m asking something or just want someone to relate to not really being able to process negative emotions or situations when you’re manic or hypomanic because EVERYTHING just seems so good. i also can tell when i’m higher rather than low because i have a lot of thoughts and ideas about human power and control and essentially have the thought that nothing really matters so i might as well be selfish and have fun because we’re all technically the god of our own universe.",Bipolar +47067,"How to talk to your friends/family about the severity of your illness Hi everyone, + +I have been diagnosed for 2 years now, but people in my life really do not seem to understand the difficulty of having bipolar II and what it means to have to deal with it everyday. My father said upon hearing that I was diagnosed ask me if ""they gave me meds for that"", as though that would solve the problem. My mother basically said nothing. My grandmother now seems to think I am a loaded gun headed for a psychiatric hospital and the rest of my family treats me like I am a child. I have my brothers and they are kind. My partner is supportive, but my friends aren't. I don't know what to do anymore to help other people understand that I am fighting a disorder that has taken more years from me already than they would care to think about. + +My bipolar manifests as extreme depression for months with about 4 days of hypomanic episodes afterward. I am on a pretty good medication load, but my baseline of depression has never lifted. I have problems with compulsive behaviors like drinking, smoking, sex, drugs and food. I am not sure how else to talk to people about the severity of my illness and why it causes me to act in this way. I don't want to be the fucked up guy all of the time and I want people to see me as a human.",Bipolar +47068,"Book: The Master Key System The Master Key System by Charles F. Haanel + +[http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/mks/](http://www.sacred-texts.com/nth/mks/) + +&#x200B; + +I am finding this book useful for controlling my thoughts, concentrating on what I need to do and meditating.",Bipolar +47069,"Post mania cognitive issues I had a manic episode in December (triggered by Zoloft), and since then have been struggling with cognitive slowness. + +&#x200B; + +I used to be a math / computer science major at a top 3 US university doing well (3.9 GPA), and since the episode have been struggling cognitively. Reading, doing math, and programming are all noticeably harder than before. Worse, I find it hard to follow and contribute to conversations, and I used to be a pretty social person. + +&#x200B; + +1. Has anyone else experienced cognitive slowness, and improvements over time? +2. I also feel like my memories of my past are foggy, including childhood experiences and knowledge of subjects studied in school. Should I expect this to come back? + +&#x200B; + +I did find this study by Torres et al. 2013 ([https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/bdi.12154](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/bdi.12154)) that shows a linear improvement in cognition over a 12-month period following mania, so that is encouraging. I'd be very curious to hear from the community to get some perspectives. Thanks!",Bipolar +47070,"Does anyone have experience getting meds from a PCP instead of a psychiatrist? I have an HSA through United Healthcare from my employer, so my monthly premiums are lower but my deductible is $5,000. I turned 26 a few months ago and was taken off of my parents' insurance, so it took me a while to find a psychiatrist in my area that took United. + +When I initially set up the appointment with the new psychiatrist, I was told the initial appointment would be $150 but after that it would be $68 until my deductible is met. Today I found out that it's actually going to be $120 per appointment until my deductible is met. I'm waiting for someone in the claims department at UHC to give me a call back to see why it's so expensive, but I was wondering if anyone has experience just going the primary care physician route in the meantime? It would be much cheaper for me as I'm in an entry level position and the payments would be easier on my wallet. + + I am seeing a therapist regularly (it's $60 per session with my therapist until my deductible is met), so I will absolutely still be getting care",Bipolar +47071,Grapefruits? Someone just informed me that grapefruits and juice can increase blood levels of some bipolar medications and cause problems. Is this true?,Bipolar +47072,"career advice I'm wondering if someone can give some academic advice. I currently go to a Top 30 University ( US news), however my GPA has suffered tremendously due to my condition. I have appealed to my Dean of undergraduate school of education, and he along with a committee have agreed to drop 1 semester from my transcript. Although appreciative I feel as though this is not adequate enough as I requested 3 semesters (while hoping for at least 2). I come from an abusive and very poor background and I hoped that my personal life combined with my condition could gleam well upon me, however that didn't happen. + +Now I want to appeal their decision and wondering how to do so. However, I am also considering transferring to my local state institution. And here starts the problem. + +My local state school is much less prestigious than my current institution. However, it may allow me a chance to start my GPA at zero. So my question is this, is it more advantageous for job placement, internships, and grad school, if I stay at my current ""prestigious"" institution and graduate with around a 2.8+, or leave for a much lower caliber school and aim for a potentially a 3.5+ GPA? + +Oh I am currently a Senior + +If you have any other questions please ask? + +Thank you",Bipolar +47073,"Lithium: hangovers from hell. Does anyone just get the worst fucking hangovers on this medication?? (800mg of Lithium and 50mg of lamictal as well). It feels like I’m dying. I just shiver for hours and then feel nauseous and have a fucked up stomach. Then the headache is terrible too. And it doesn’t end, it’s 11pm (I drank the night before) and I’m still sweating and feeling kinda tingly and terrible. Sometimes the hangover goes into the next day. I even skipped my meds the night of drinking, and skipped them again today. And still... terrible. And while I definitely drank a lot, it was the same as my friends who also are hungover but recovered so much earlier in the day and definitely weren’t nearly as bad. It’s this stupid medication. Who else experiences this actual hell? Also any advice to avoid this in the future?",Bipolar +47074,Lithium Acne Oh my god has anyone been on lithium and had it cause acne? I’ve been on it for about 6 months and the acne side effect is just evil. Which really sucks bc it’s been working really well for me. Does anyone have any acne (severe cystic acne) tips?,Bipolar +47075,"Quitting 5mg Zyprexa (Olanzapine) after 5 weeks. Advice would be appreciated! Hi guys, as the title states, I was prescribed 5mg of Olanzapine nightly since I was briefly institutionalized for a psychotic episode. I hate how it makes me feel, the constant mental sluggishness, the dry mouth, the fatigue, none of it is worthwhile for me. But at the same time, I've been looking around online for info on how to safely taper down and frankly I'm scared as fuck by what I've seen of the withdrawal effects. Has anyone else quit Olanzapine after a similar span of time? What was your experience, and how did you cope?",Bipolar +47076,"Psychosis (Possible Self Harm) Hi; this is my first post to this subreddit, and to reddit in general! I am a long-time lurker. I am sorry if it's long-- + +I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in late August after a manic, then psychotic, break that ended with 5 days in the psych ward. I did some severely out-of-character and even violent things while in the ward. I have trouble looking back and thinking what I could have done differently--my husband and sponsor took me to the emergency room, and I said (out of my mind) ""I think that's part of it"" to the question ""does this have to do with harm to yourself or others."" + +Then, everything escalated: the security guards grabbed me and moved me to a holding room. I nearly passed out from the anxiety spike. My brain was making me talk to everyone and learn their names, I think, as a coping mechanism. Eventually, after a long time in a room with scary doctor people (to my scared mind) coming in and out, I was driven, handcuffed, by police to the psych place. I am told by my therapist and friends that I am very smart and that that made things a little worse for me. My brain had SO MANY false narratives going, and not only was I manic but I was in such fight or flight, I ended up in seclusion rooms twice. This, as you can imagine, made everything tons worse. I felt so isolated. I feel traumatized, still. + +I went back to work right after. My sponsor stopped talking to me completely, and I don't have a large support group, even though I have been feeling a little more connected to people day-to-day. I want to go back and change everything; I want to believe that the right thing happened; but, being completely ignorant to what I could do, I said things that led to the worst situation for me. The ward experience seemed to make everything a lot worse--the delusions, the mania, the disconnectedness, the alienation, overmedicating, etc. + +I am now pretty stable and on a mood stabilizer, hydroxyzine, and a sleep med. How do you all cope with decisions that you or your loved ones made for you that you wish went differently? How do you deal with the trauma of hospitalization? I know everyone has different, even positive, experiences. Mine was not that. It's hard not to let it eat at me and get angry. + +Thanks for listening.",Bipolar +47077,"When did you realize your bipolar disorder hit a new level? I was diagnosed at 15 and began my adventures with finding the right medications. I’m 32 and I’m still on my adventure, as frustrating as that can be sometimes. + +It was about ten years ago that I hear bipolar disorder is a progressive mental illness. I scoffed at it- I had been at the “same level” of mental illness from the start. + +Then all of a sudden, three years ago, all hell broke loose. I became insanely manic. I was hallucinating and ocd tendencies came out of nowhere. I was convinced that the planes that crashed into the 9/11 towers were going to crash into my home and the only way to stop them was to lock and unlock and lock my door again. + +After what felt like forever, that manic phase passed and I had the realization that I had hit a new level of my mental illness. My manic phases have become a monster of their own- I was never nearly this bad before. The lows are deeper, the suicidal thoughts have gotten more frequent (though I would never ever follow through- I love my kids too much). Everything thing feels so much BIGGER, if that makes sense. + +What was now something in the back of my head as a teenager, “Yeah I have bipolar disorder but I never even think about it, I’m too busy living my life. “ Has now become my biggest priority to keep in check and it’s almost all I think about. Managing my mental health is first and foremost and uncontrollable no matter how much medication I take. + +Has anyone had the same experience? If so, when did you notice your bipolar disorder becoming “stronger” for lack of better words.",Bipolar +47078,Anyone Here Had A Manic Episode Without Re Occurrence? I had an episode of full blown mania around the end of last year - just wondering if anyone here's had a manic episode without re occurrence?,Bipolar +47079,"Lamictal and Long term Eye Damage Is anyone else terrified of the possible long term eye damage from taking Lamictal? Everywhere I search it says that permanent damage is unknown. Lamictal has made me have bad photosensitivity and an eye that sometimes turns inward. +Has anyone been advised to stop taking Lamictal due to being on it for an extended period of time, especially due to the risks of permanent eye problems? +It makes me upset that this maybe a possibility and that I will have to go through the hardships of finding something else that works in the near future.",Bipolar +47080,"Anxiety and bipolar I was laying next to my girlfriend and I had just put the baby to sleep, and I started shaking uncontrollably for about 5 minutes straight. My vision went blurry I couldn’t speak or move. She was asleep. I’m still kinda shaky but this was about 20 minutes ago and I’m freaking out ?????? helpppp",Bipolar +47081,"A mother’s letter about forgiveness and psychsosis I just wanted to share a letter my mother (schizoaffective/BP I) wrote to me (bp II). + +I have been here under many different usernames but the gist of it is that my mother, who I love with all of my heart, has been psychotic many times while I have grown up and the rest of my family has frequently abandoned her. She seems sometimes evil and terrifying and I can’t blame those who are less educated for being fearful. + +But I feel that this letter she wrote me encompasses how human we still are in psychosis. Just because our reality is different doesn’t mean we are any less human or have any less capacity for love or caring. You are never less than simply because the reality around you changes. + +I will say I am immensely traumatized by my mothers psychosis and wouldn’t wish it on anyone or anyone’s loved ones, but I would give up anything to be there for my mother and to have lived this life being able to love and care for her. + +Her letter: + +I've wanted to write about this for a long time, but the memory is so special to me, I wanted the writing to do it justice. But it just hit me that it is a good birthday sending. + +Do you remember those flesh colored-flats you had? They triggered my (manic) thought, ""walk a mile in Lilychickadees shoes."" I bought some just like them at Walmart and would wear them when I wanted to keep you with me in spirit. Because every time I go manic, 'They' always say, ""Lilychickadee is the strong one."" + +Last spring, I had maybe three months when I was manic, but not in the hospital. You dad wouldn't let me drive (smart man), so I took the bus everywhere. One day I had a caseworker appointment in Edinburg. I took the bus to the depot in downtown M, and from there another bus to E. I told the driver to tell me when we got to FG. He did, and I got off. I didn't realize I got off on J. Do you know how far J is from the Expressway where My hospital is located on FG? Miles. hahahaha. + +So I started walking down FG. In my mania it seemed as though the expressway moved further away from me as I walked! I'm very serious about that. Suddenly that purple purse I was carrying like a baby transformed into you (I used to carry you everywhere when you were a baby and the way that feels apparently doesn't leave a mother's memory.) I was carrying you, keeping in mind how I need to walk in your shoes. I was so so so distraught by the thought of you traumatized when taking care of me in my mania/psychosis. I walked and walked and walked and walked. And walked while Expressway moved further away. You never left my mind as I carried you and walked. It turned into a way for me to prove my love for you after all you've suffered for me. I thought I would walk and carry you like this forever if it meant you could experience some ease after struggling so hard. + +I barely made it before TT closed, and my caseworker (who I had never seen before) took so long it was the night before we left for her to drive me home. She took Expressway and do you know, every single light: car lights, traffic lights, expressway signs and billboards, businesses--everything that had a light, that light looked incandescent like you see psychedelic colors portrayed. I rode with my mouth open! All I could think is that heaven had come to earth--as in the Lord's Prayer: ""Thy Kingdom come."" + +I felt <God> giving his approval for how unquestionably and unfalteringly I proved my love for you. Which made me think He set the ordeal up in the first place! + +Lights--I emphasize that it was Light--have never shone like that for me again. + +You are so special. +My love for you is unparalleled. +Happy Birthday.",Bipolar +47082,"Only thing keeping me from ending it all is being loss drunk Unfortunately I’m not drunk enough yet but I just made it to the convenience store to stock up. I’m so sick and tired of this, dude",Bipolar +47083,"Lamictal withdrawal severity change over time? Hi, so three times in the past week and a half I’ve missed my Lamictal dose. Last Wednesday and Thursday night I threw up all my meds because of Latuda nausea. Last night I forgot to pick up my Lamictal refill from the pharmacy so went without it. + +Normally I can’t go more than four hours past taking my nightly Lamictal dose of 400 mg without horrible and intense withdrawal. It puts me in a severe mixed episode with suicidal ideation and planning. Every time I throw up my meds or miss a dose I prepare for some of the worse hours of my life until I can take my dose again. + +I’ve been on it since 2006, and have been at this high dose for probably at least 8 years. + +The weird thing is... none of the withdrawal symptoms happened these last three times. Maybe I’m just numbed our from my other meds (Latuda 120 mg, Seroquel XR 300 mg, Lithium 1,200 mg). Or could this be a sign that it’s not even working in my system anymore, so I wouldn’t miss it? Anyone know if those other drugs lower Lamictal doses? This is such a jarring change that I wonder if it has larger implications. + +Thanks!",Bipolar +47084,"Short episodes triggered by something trivial? I know that’s a symptom of BPD and there’s a chance of comorbidity of BP and BPD, but I really don’t think I reflect the symptoms of BPD. No doctors have suggested it and I’ve read through the detailed description and nothing matches. The one thing that is similar is I’ve had mood swings that may last the span of a few days (elevated or mixed for a day/half a day and then sometimes depressed the three to four days following). This happens maybe 5-10 times a year for me. + +Most of my high and low episodes will last one to three months, but I do have these so called mild “blips”. Most are relatively mild and controllable, but some are worse than others. + +I write this because something trivial happened the other day and then I started to feel the hypomania coursing through my veins. Racing thoughts, impatience, the need to get rid of the intense energy. I felt the need to scream and I don’t know how to describe it, but you know when you’re just looking around you having those racing thoughts and you just feel a little crazy and a little scared? + +Does anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +47085,Lithium Have any of you gone through lithium withdrawal just from lowering the dose of the pill I started to get some withdrawal symptoms but not as extreme as when I last went off lithium,Bipolar +47086,"Regular check-in post, with information about our rules and wikis Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the ""role model"" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share. + +----- + +Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can. + +We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the ""depression"" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues. + +https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support. + +YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are: + +- People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact + +- ""I'm here to help"" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The ""giving help"" wiki explains more about this. + +- Role modelling, i.e. ""achievement"" or ""advice"" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that ""internet culture"" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here. + +- Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10). + +- Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The ""what is depression"" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.",Depression +47087,"Our most-broken and least-understood rules is ""helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort"", so we've made a new wiki to explain it We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say ""PM me anytime"" in a casual social context. + +We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start. + +Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below. + +***** + +###Summary### + +**Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.** + + +""PM me anytime"" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately. + +* **By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers.** [The 1-9-90 rule](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1%25_rule_(Internet_culture\)) applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet. + +* People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. **Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good.** This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue. + +* **If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help**. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.) + +* In our observation over many years, the people who say ""PM me"" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. **There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny**. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma. + +* We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people *do* want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. **If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers.** This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning. + +* If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.",Depression +47088,"I haven’t been touched, or even hugged, in so long that I can’t even remember what it feels like… Anyone else just miss physical touch? I crave it so badly…",Depression +47089,"Being Depressed is Embarrassing I’m just so ashamed. Everyone and everything feels so far away. Every time I leave my house, I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean while watching people on the shore having a grand old time. I feel like everyone else is on a whole other plane of existence, meanwhile I’m stuck beneath the surface just trying to breathe. + +Every time I talk to someone, I have to check to see if there’s something on my face once I leave because other people don’t know what to say to me and it’s always so fucking awkward. I try so hard to appear normal, but other people see right through it. I can’t relate to anyone. I can’t talk to anyone. I try so hard but I just can’t. + +And it’s embarrassing. I feel stupid for being this way. I’ve tried so hard to fix myself and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade and the only thing that’s changed is I’m really good at talking about myself.",Depression +47090,I'm desperate for a friend and to feel loved by someone. I really need a friend. I don't even have a single best friend and I'm desperate to find true love. Please help me. No one responded to my last post. It seems like no one cares about me and my life doesn't matter. Female here just saying,Depression +47091,"Call me crazy but suicide seems rational at this point.. Hear me out... life in general sucks. We have to work the majority of our time in jobs we hate for people we don't care about to earn just about enough to live relatively comfortably. + +The majority of people are selfish assholes who only care about themselves. Me, you and 99.9% of people included whether we admit it or not. + +To me optimistic people seem mentally ill. I dint see the appeal in pretending that we're not all fucking miserable. (Also if I hear one more person talk about ""manifesting"" happiness I may be doing 25 to life) + +Tldr: if a movie sucks you would turn it off.",Depression +47092,"Could really use someone to talk to. I’m falling apart Never in a million years did I think I’d be on Reddit writing something like this but maybe this is my soul trying to find some sort of salvation from the pain. I’ve been thrown into the proverbial fire as of late & I feel like I’m just unable to get a grip on anything. + +1. My father passed away & I hadn’t spoken to him in well over 10yrs prior to his passing. He was extremely abusive to me as a child to the point or making me bleed. I am not really sad about his passing but feel many of the “what if” things in relation to a better childhood. + +2. I found out that my sister is not 100% my sister & we don’t have the same father & we both have been lied to about that our entire lives by our mother who I also don’t have the best relationship with. We did DNA tests two days ago for absolute concrete evidence of everything so now it’s a waiting game. I live in the same house as her & have been dying to get out on my own but financially am unable to at the moment due to my own disability cystic fibrosis. + +3. The girl I have been in a situation-ship doesn’t feel the same way I do about her. This one hurts me so much, honestly more in a sense than my dad passing. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of someone still alive but we are still friends & love one another. I never thought I’d catch feelings for her but here we are. We have a beautiful friendship , the sex is great & we have so many great laughs & moments. She’s been such a bright spot in my dark times lately. I wanted to see if we could give things a real try but she just doesn’t feel how I do. This now is breaking my heart & don’t know how to navigate it. I don’t want to just get rid of her as a friend, I genuinely care about her. She is fine with continuing what we are doing but I’m not sure I can do that right now with how I feel about her. + +Everything is just compounding ontop of eachother & I feel like I’m suffocating. My appetite is shot, I feel restless where I feel like I’m going crazy & I’ve been having very dark thoughts & find humor in self harm jokes to myself & my close friends. + +Maybe this is a cry for help, maybe I’m trying. I’m not sure. But if anyone reads this & has advice or a heart to be here for me I would love & cherish your kindness. Thank you .",Depression +47093,"Can i rant to someone?? You can rant in return!! Hi!! + +I want to preface by saying, i’m sorry, because i know this is completely and totally selfish of me to ask. + +There’s a million things i want to say or express, but i feel like i can only do it with someone who understands. Or at the very least, someone who isn’t directly involved. + +I’m sorry, i don’t want to be a burden, but that’s what i’m asking, i think. If there’s any chance some lovely amazing person would let me burden them, just for a bit, i would appreciate it with my whole heart (or whatever is left of it aha)",Depression +47094,"I don’t want to care about being alone I’m 40(M) and I’ve always maintained that I’m too ugly for women and that hasn’t changed. Then my not long ago my therapist talked me into using a dating app to get experience to chatting with women and to get over fears of rejection. + +I didn’t like the idea but I did it anyway. Well I think it is fair to say that it was the final straw, because the only women who were (allegedly) interested were women in foreign countries, sure they were highly educated (they claimed) and quite a few of them were not bad looking but I zero matches from us women. + +Long story short, I was talking to this female doctor in the Dominican Republic and most of our conversations had to be done with google translate because she didn’t speak much English. Well after a while I realized that this was going nowhere and I politely told her that we needed to go our separate ways and unmatched her. + +A few days later I decided that enough was enough, I think it’s beyond reasonable doubt that I’m too ugly and need to just embrace being alone for life. But my brain won’t let me, I keep having to remind myself to not go back to the app, to just find ways to help people and be content alone but again my mind keeps obsessing about being alone so that I find myself needing to vent several times a day and it’s pathetic. + +I have proof that I’m hopelessly ugly, among other things and need to just stop thinking about it and embrace being alone and stop caring. I don’t want to care anymore, I want to happy and content with my life.",Depression +47095,"Hope is just a form of self-harm I used to get through my life by believing in the delusion that things were all going to work out one day and I’d find my place in the world. Now I realize that all I’ve accomplished through this is to prolong my suffering. Every day of my life is pain and misery and nothing else, and it will always be that way. I cannot fucking believe that this is what life is, but I guess I just got unlucky. Some people get to have loving parents, close friends, romantic partners, and a career they enjoy that makes them enough money to live on. And some of us get none of those things. We get left to rot in shitty minimum-wage jobs, ignored by all the girls or boys in school, treated like shit by everyone who was supposed to care about us. We get nothing and yet we’re expected to be grateful for a life empty of everything that makes it worth living. So I think I’m done with all of this nonsense. I haven’t planned my way out yet but I think this is where my story is going to end. I can’t imagine a future where I’m happy and I won’t bother trying anymore.",Depression +47096,I can't seem to accept positivity I can never truly believe someone when they say something positive about me. I feel like shit for not believing them but I just cant. I always think they are just fucking with me and they don't actually mean it. Because come on nobody would sincerely say that type of bullshit about me. I don't like thjs,Depression +47097,"I don't wanna try anymore I'm a 25 year old man who's never had a girlfriend or sex in his life and since yesterday I decided to give up trying. I have a very good life, amazing family and friends that understand and support me no matter what I do, I have a job that I enjoy and coworkers I get extremely well along with. I don't consider myself ugly, I think I'm just mid. I nurture many passions, am very extroverted and outgoing, and I believe I'm quite smart, but especially in these last 3 years I've been feeling extremely hollow and sad, and the reason why is no matter what I do or how much I keep improving myself, I seem to have no luck with girls. Yesterday I went out with this great girl I met in university 2 years ago, which I've been texting on and off with. I thought she had interests in me since she was the one asking me out, but as I later found out in the day she had been seeing this guy for about a month where she is studying. I promised myself to go into that ""date"" with no expectations but of course there was hope things would go well. However, as per usual, I had to go back home and cry myself to sleep for the 100th time and I'm just tired of this endless repeating cycle. +People who've had at least one relationship in their life will never get the pain.",Depression +47098,"my depression keeps getting worse, and i want to stop pushing away the people i love. 20M + +I feel like im slowly decaying. My mind slips; i cant remember much anymore, i have no desire to do any fun activities anymore; at least not the ones that ive done already (which is just about everything). I have all the desire in the world to get better, but no motivation. I can honestly feel myself getting worse each month. I noticed that i become a little more sad and unmotivated over time, and i really cant seem to stop it from progressing. It feels like a disease. + +My life just feels like im in limbo every day. I wake up, do the same thing all day that ive done a million times this week, then wait until my insomnia decides to let me sleep. At night i get into depressive episodes that lead to panic attacks, which fill my head with intrusive thoughts that i would never think normally. Its nothing horrifying or disturbing, but they really bother me. Its like the voice in my head wants me to be sad on purpose. + +The thought that really bugs me the most, the reason for making this post in the first place, tells me to push people away. Not really in that exact manner, but i question if i can really feel anything towards the people who are close to me. Everyone is normally completely fine, but not during my episode. It makes me feel like a completely different person. It makes me wonder if i really love my girlfriend and if id be better off alone. Its similar for my friends. Im fine with them normally, but during my episodes, they annoy me and i feel like i want to stop talking to them. But after i go to sleep and wake up, everything is back to normal. I love my girlfriend, and i like my friends. This thought didnt start happening until this month. I never used to want to push people away because ive always been the lonely type who wants more friends, and i always hated being alone, and i still do; which is how i can tell that im getting worse. Im just not me anymore, im a completely different person than the one i used to know. + +The other thoughts are just pessimistic jabs at my future, and general sadness questions. Wondering if im ever going to live a stable life, or if im going to feel happy and content ever again, or if i will continue to be a failure forever. I always have to remind myself that it has to get better eventually, and i cant feel like this forever, but most times its hard to convince myself. I cant remember the last time i didnt feel terrible. Im not suicidal, i dont have a desire to stop living, and dont even get thoughts about it whatsoever. But these episodes make it really difficult to be a living, functioning person. + +I need to know how to stop thinking this way when i start to feel hopeless. I know i probably need a therapist or psychiatrist to help me professionally, but im afraid of them.",Depression +47099,"What is this feeling...is this depression? me M(19) single i have good, supportive , loving,parents a sister that i love good friends (tbh could'nt ask for more ) i go out with friends , i goo to gym daily ,play video games ,i play sports and that moment i enjoy those things but when iam alone ,by myself (for example in shower or taking a bus ride from school to home )deep down i feel sad , empty and kinda lost its like someting is missing i have every thing a teenager could ever ask for but iam not happy in a way though .......cant find what is this plz some one tell me what is this feeling that comes up every npw and then?",Depression +47100,"This is unbearable As the title states I cannot handle living or my mental state any longer. I am 22 and since I was a kid I have been bullied a lot throughout the years. The past few 4-5 years I have not experienced bullying but extreme loneliness. I have tried everything to make friends and get a life but everything is unsuccessful. I was never able to talk to girls either but somehow 3 years ago I met one and we fell in love but we broke up recently and a lot due to me not having a life and being able to make friends but during this time she was the only thing motivating me to keep going. We promised each other to always remain friends and we did for a while but 1 month ago she cut of all contact with me after some fights and disagreements. I have tried getting her back as a friend by she just ignores a my texts. I was already severely depressed the past few months about my loneliness and this just made it even worse. I hate when people say it always becomes better, even though I want to believe it and I did for a while I can’t anymore because it has been disproven my entire life. I don’t see a future where anything will become better and I don’t see any solutions any longer, everything feels hopeless and I view myself as useless and pathetic. I get panic attacks constantly during the day and I can’t take it anymore. I just want to disappear and not have to feel this any longer. I know that no one would notice if I disappeared and it would not impact anyone’s life that much. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I hate my life.",Depression +47101,Alcohol + caffeine + serotonin deficiency = Normal. Damn I can actually express emotions and feel a sense of positivity.,Depression +47102,"Life is depressing I’m pretty sure this has been posted a million times here before. But I just feel like I’m done with life and I’m only 24, and no matter what it is I’m doing I’m either feeling anxious or depressed as they do come hand in hand. I don’t enjoy hanging out with family or friends, I’d rather be alone but when I’m alone and at home I feel useless and depressed. I’m too tired to even explain in detail but I’m sure you all know this feeling. And I do know the steps to get out of this rut but that effort needed is draining itself … people that don’t go through this are so lucky. I’m just feeling numb and depressed and I don’t wanna do anything about it.",Depression +47103,"I am past my expiration date. I have been severely depressed since I was in elementary. I am in college now. I never intended to make it this far. I truly didn’t see myself making it past 16. And now here I am, years later, wasting away because I didn’t plan for this. + +I don’t know what stopped me. My life feels so disposable right now. I have no job prospects after I graduate next year. No experience under my belt. No passion in what I’m studying or doing with my life. There is nothing in the long run that’s keeping me here. + +I want to believe it’s the people in my life but the happiness they give me is only temporary. I can’t depend on them forever to keep me up. I can no longer support myself. I have nothing. + +I never sought professional help because I don’t have the resources to. No money, no proper insurance, no support from family. Nothing. I am so lost and scared. I really need help. I just don’t know what to do anymore.",Depression +47104,"Don’t know what to do I may cuss I’m sorry if I do that’s what the nsfw is for. Anyway so I’ve had a job as a cook for the last year about. They overlooked the. Tiny musical note tattoo that’s on my face to hire me. Then new manager comes thru and I’m gone same day. Cause it’s company policy no facial or hand tattoos. I have both. They still hired me and I was told many times in their hardest worker. Anyway. Along with that my moms sick she has a few terminal illnesses. And I don’t have any friends anymore cause I got fired. No one has even asked how I’m doing of those ex coworkers. I have a job interview today. But I can’t get out of this funk like I cannot get out of my own head that this is just what I deserve for the things I did when I was younger. I just deserve to suffer and somewhat loath myself. I kicked a drug habit and moved and yea being sober is actually awesome. But, being lonely like so lonely that I got love money scammed out of most of my savings. That desperation of wanting just a friend just not to be alone forever. Not to hate every thing about myself everyday when I wake up and have to look myself in the mirror. If this breaks rules I apologize I read them and didn’t see anything bad about this post. I just need help I don’t know what to do anymore. I also have other disorders and circumstances that make me getting this help much much more difficult.",Depression +47105,"I am so ugly that it is ruining my life. Please help me. + +I am so exhausted. For as long as I can remember, probably from about 5 years old, I have been hideous. + +I was an extremely shy kid and had selective mutism, so I was always self conscious. I just can’t remember not being this way. When I started elementary school, kids would constantly comment on my looks. They compared me to skeletons, zombies, and dead bodies. The few friends I had were told “Don’t be friends with her, she’s too ugly for you, you can do so much better.” I wasn’t allowed to sit with anyone in the cafeteria in middle school and I had to stay in the library away from everyone. People left notes in my locker calling me all sorts of names. In high school people just ignored me and I was so lonely. Then at home my parents would occasionally get angry and call me a lazy pig. + +I know people have had it worse, so the worry of me being too dramatic makes it even more unbearable. + +I’m going to graduate college soon. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, any men have just taken advantage of me. However I am extremely lucky to have a few supportive friends who have tried to help me. + +Since less people actively hurt me nowadays, I expected this to get better. But if anything it’s getting worse. My nose is crooked, my lips are uneven, one of my eyes is smaller than the other. I have crooked teeth despite constantly wearing my retainer. My skin is horrible and I have this weird skin discolouration resembling a mustache that I have never been able to get rid of. + +I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been to therapy, I have tried body neutrality, meditation, anything you can think of. Nothing helps. I spend my days obsessing over my looks and my nights crying myself to sleep. I alternate between staring at myself for hours trying to figure out what I did to deserve to be this ugly, to having to shower in the dark and avoiding mirrors because I can’t stand to look at myself. It is utterly exhausting to hate myself this much. + +I know deep down looks aren’t everything. But being pretty would be so much easier. I don’t understand why I was dealt these cards, why I have these disgusting genes. I know other people suffer from this, but they all have redeeming qualities. I am a monster. And I need to be beautiful. I can’t stand anything else anymore. + +I’m sure this post is all over the place and I apologize, it’s just another one of those nights that I can’t even think straight because I’m so preoccupied with hating myself. I’ve come on Reddit as a last hope because I don’t know how to move on from this. If anyone has any advice or suggestions about what to do please let me know. I’m begging for any relief.",Depression +47106,I can't focus at all on anything it just took me 3 hours to read and understand 30 slides of my lecture in a course that i wanted to do. I have no clue how to get this done until my exam,Depression +47107,I hate myself I hate myself and I don’t even know why at this point. I just hate myself and I wish I was someone else. I don’t know who I want to be I just don’t want to live this life anymore.,Depression +47108,"My doctor just prescribed me anti-depressants and i dont know what to do So im in therapy right now and i really enjoy it. I need my doctor to fill out a document so my insurance will pay for my therapy. +I alreasy got diagnosed with depression so thats what i told my doctor. +He just asked about how much time i woulf spend on my smartphone (?) and that thats the reason why im depressed. +And tbh i didnt corrected him because i didnt felt comfortable from the start to talk to this man, who i see about 1 time a year, about my mental health. + +After that he just prescribed me without anything anti depressants?! Says i schould just take them and im totally overwhelmed with the situation. Schould i?",Depression +47109,Vitamin c deficiency? Anyone had vitamin c deficiency and how long did it take for supplementation to affect depression?,Depression +47110,"Ever feel like you've been depressed for so long, you can't imagine not being depressed? I've been told have this or that personality trait but all I see in myself is emptiness.",Depression +47111,"Please someone help me I lost my mind over a girl. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. All of my ""friends"" are choosing her over me. I have no one here to support me. I don't know what to do. She is driving me insane. I just feel like life is not worth it. I have nothing to live for. Please, someone help me. I'm losing my mind over this. How do I stop thinking about her. Please, anything will help.",Depression +47112,"Was feeling very low and went for one hour tantra massage. Was feeling very low , not feeling like working and sleeping most of the time , feeling worth less and very lonely... wasn't able to deal with it. + +Then i went for a Tantra massage for an hour , + +I felt touched, someone is making effort to make me happy... Touch of a skin on my body was triggering happy hormones... Finally i was on receiving end , getting nacked in front of someone is kinda of excepting who and what you're, no body shaming. + +It's not an optimal or ethical solution but for time being... I am feeling happy and high sprit. + +I want to know/ check with my fallow group members... Have you been to this situation any time and what you did ? + +Is that a right or wrong move? + +I haven't done it in past . + +Note: No kind of sex was involved in it or any orgasms/ ejaculation.",Depression +47113,"I am working myself to death, purposely. Autistic with ADHD. 37, No family of my own or relationships, moved back with aging parents because isolation became too much to the point I started planning my suicide. + +I have nothing in my life but work, my job pays the bills. And after I finish my 9-5, I work on a couple of projects that are both artificially keeping me alive because they give me some goal or purpose but at the same time are killing me because between my job and this I spend around 14 hours a day frying my brain in front of a computer. + +I used to be in shape, but I have relinquished that part of me as well since it serves no purpose anymore. I gave up on relationships, dating and love, and it is a waste of time and effort since I invest that energy on my projects or resting, and well my best years are behind me and entropy is doing its thing anyway. + +This past week I had a terrible migraine but I pushed through, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have an aneurysm or something soon.",Depression +47114,"My mum and me had a physical fight/argument last night and I'm scared Throw away account for this. Myself M15 almost turning 16 had a fight with my mum yesterday and it got physical. I can't exactly remember who hit first but it got to the point that hands were on one another and spitting was involved. My mum had been charged 50 dollars for something on her credit card and I had asked her to buy something for 10 dollars. It turns out the currency was off on the thing I wanted to purchase. She then bought it up to me and to me it seemed like she was yelling. I have always been quite sensitive to yelling and I always take it really personally. After we had the conversation, mid way through I went to my room and locked it so I could breath because I was really stressed out. She then came from the living room into my room, bashing the door open and breaking my lock, breaking my door as well, it fell of the hinge. She came into my room while I was crying and was yelling at me. I told her to get out with swearing involved because I was really stressed out and upset. She then wouldn't and she kept getting right up into my face as if she was going to start throwing hands at me. I then was starting to involve talks of myself going to hurt myself, she then said that she doesn't know what I was on about and got really defensive. I then said can you just give me 5 minutes to breath and then I will come speak with her, after going back and forward for about 15 minutes she finally left me alone and I shut my door and dragged my dresser in front of it. I then had a full on panic attack for a solid 15 minutes and I could barely breath and I was smacking my head onto my wall and on my desk. She then came back to my room after she had sit in the lounge and listen to it all happen while she was sitting there watching TV. She came back and was back into a calm state herself which is quite a normal thing for her and she came in my room and comforted me. I kept breaking into tears while she was talking to my cat. After the situation she calmed me down after about 30 minutes of a continued panic attack. + +&#x200B; + +Today I feel really scared still, although she said that she was sorry for it. I still feel really scared to be around her and I feel really sick after she spat on me and I am hurting still really bad after she hit me. + +&#x200B; + +I am currently on Setrona, anti-depressant, and I have been diagnosed with depression and I also have an anxiety disorder. I also have really bad trust issues and this has really ruined my trust with her. I am absolutely shattered and I have no idea what to do.",Depression +47115,I don’t know what’s wrong with me I am sad. Permanently. I don’t know why. I have a family and a good job. I tried psychotherapy but I didn’t feel good after the sessions. I cried a lot. I also tried meds and I didn’t feel good taking pills. I tried different meds and still no effects. I put a lot of effort into my mental health… What else can I do? I don’t want to suffer.,Depression +47116,Noodle arms 🫠 / Skinny Shaming With hot weather approaching.. can’t necessarily wear a hoodie anymore. I hate my noodle arms. I’m 140 lbs 5’11 (yes skinny af I know). I want to start working out but have 0 motivation. Too anxious to go to a public gym. I constantly get skinny shamed. Things like “you need to eat a cheeseburger” “well if you’d eat you’d gain weight” “your skinny as a pretzel” “skin and bones” “skeleton” etc etc. I could go on for days with the amount of things people have said about me being skinny. I’m over it. I have a super fast metabolism and I literally eat 3-5 meals plus snacks a day. I’m just so tired of being skinny and being shamed for it. I feel like a lump of bones with skin. At least people have convinced me that’s all I am…,Depression +47117,"Why can't my mom see that I'm depressed? Hello + +I've been having this issue for years now and it seems to make everything worse than it should be. + +I've been trying to reach out for help for 7 years now (I'm 21 now). I've been trying to tell my mom what's happening, telling her why I can't seem to get out of bed for days on end sometimes, telling her that I need help, and everytime the conversation happens it feels like she finally gets what I'm saying. She never does. Everytime she gets upset at me she asks why I'm always in bed, why a person my age is always tired and never really doing anything or going anywhere, and Everytime it just makes me feel both worse and insane. I've straight up told her that I've thought/attempted suicide before and all she had to say was ""oh really?"" in a tone that suggested that I didn't have it hard enough to do that. + +I don't understand why she keeps doing this, why she keeps asking me what's wrong when I've told her a thousand times. It's making me feel like I'm making everything up, that I'm going crazy. If anyone went through something like this and has some tips or anything that could help, please please tell me. I don't know what to do at this point, I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.",Depression +47118,"need help with SSRI nausea I was wondering if anybody has had nausea with one SSRI but not with some other one? + +I am taking Zoloft and nausea is pretty bad, even with the one half of 50 mg tablet. I dont know if switching SSRIs would be beneficial or this side effect would remain the same? + +What is interesting is that I have taken Zoloft 15 yeras ago with absolutely no issues at at all, and now I feel like I am taking a poison. I don't understand this at all. + +Thanks!",Depression +47119,"there is no day when I don't want to die So, I can't anymore. I didn't think I would get here. I hope it won't be a long post. Thank you in advance. +F(26) I've always been the soul of the party, the kind of person you love to be around. Always joking, with super positive energy. Few people know what I'm like in my spare time, and that in fact there isn't a day when I don't wish to die. +If someone can understand that I feel alone since I was little. I have always sought to be seen, appreciated, respected. +My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. Since then, the relationship with my father has not been, because he is the most lying person I know. All my life he just promised me things and never kept his word. Now he has his family, which he does not take care of. Her children live with him, but they actually live like I did. My mother was always away in another country. He tried to compensate for the fact that all his life he ran after the perfect man and thus he neglected me. He never chose me. To want to move together to do something new 2. She chose men who, I'm sorry, did to her. And I had to grow up with my grandparents. With my grandfather always beating my grandmother. I saw all kinds of arguments, fights, scandals and everything that a child should not see. I always grew up with words like ""you're not good for anything, you don't know how to do anything, you're like my mom, you're like tactu"" My mother has 2 brothers, who are super narcissists. That they gave me a juice when I was younger ""they raised me"". Grandma raised the men of the family as if everything was theirs. And my mother and I always had to do everything. From food, cleaning, money... Everything. No, they are men and we are women. Ever since I was little, I used to fight with everyone, because I was always different. I don't consider that my purpose is to find a man, to have a child and that's...as my family wants. I always wanted more. Because of this, my jobs were not exactly easy either. I was a team leader at 19, and it still wasn't enough, although no one in the family did more than me... +My grandfather died 2 years ago, and since then the family fell apart even more. My mother left again to another country, after her boyfriend who is my age and treats her worse than anything.. and I stay at home with my grandmother, who is also mean. +I tried everything, to meditate, to go to a psychologist, to stop thinking about all the things. Anything... +I feel alone, abandoned. As everyone sees their life, I remain here behind, worthless, with nothing. I have nothing. Not a day goes by that I don't think I want to die... Thank you.",Depression +47120,i want to die put a bullet in my head my depression is leaking out to people. they all know I'm in a bad mood. i hate myself. i don't want to exist. kill me.,Depression +47121,my voice is soo deep how to improve In childhood i had a great voice but after puberty it became very deep. Now iam 20 yo male. The voice is so deep that i have to put lot of effort to be heard in a place which has any background noise. My friends also point out that its too deep. I wish my voice had more sharpness/pitch. I want my voice to be heard and it to sound pleasant.,Depression +47122,"I need to tell someone I have to tell someone, I have to live if I can't talk to someone I know I'll die soon. I need advice or inspiration to tell my friends. Please I can't die.",Depression +47123,I started to hate myself I am 31 I soon to be 32. I studied two bachelors's degree consequently to escape working. Now i realize that i destroyed my future. I have never planned my future. I am currently mooching off from my elder brother and my mother. I am also now in deep depression. I am so insecure and have zero confidence that it takes massive amount time to open a thread and make a comment. I realize that I have missed so many thing in my life and hate myself for it.,Depression +47124,"I don’t enjoy being awake or alive I find it tedious, wake up with nothing to do, no reason to be alive, all the goals seem meaningless. What’s the point of going to bed if I just wake up again to feel the same, empty, sometimes I don’t even wish for a gf or anything of the sort, just someone to talk to, I find them and three things happen, I either push them away because I’m not good at anything else, they loose interest, or just leave, but almost every time I fuck shit up.",Depression +47125,"Feel hopeless I know, deep down I know that I have problems, that I have depression. But the loudest majority of my mind says it's all fake. That I just need to get a hold of myself and I'll be better but I don't so it's just my fault. I feel so scared to even say anything to anyone. I'm not the sad one. I'm not supposed to be sad. How can I be a halfway decent role model for my younger brothers if I've spent all my adult life jobless and friendless at my parents house. I feel like such a phony in every sense. Just keeping the mask on for everyone around me and then crying in bed when I'm alone. Even when I try to make friends online I'm ignored or get overwhelmed just trying to message someone. I feel so small and broken but I have to be the older brother. What am I supposed to do just leave them with our awful parents? It's not like I'd have anywhere to go anyway, they probably haven't kicked me out because I clean the place and raise their kids. I'm 23 and it feels like my life will end before it will ever begin and I'm too scared to even admit it to myself. I don't even know where to begin with therapy. Kind words are appreciated I just. I just need something to help me feel not as worthless as I do right now.",Depression +47126,"I Have To Stay Alive Three people keep me alive: Mom, Dad, and my friend and landlord (until he makes it on Broadway.) One day the parents will die, and my landlord will have a big hit on Broadway, and I will no longer need my heart, lungs, brain, etc. Just won’t need it anymore.",Depression +47127,"Feel like a loser because of how broke I am at almost 30 years old I'm 28 right now and I graduated from college in the Fall 2017 with a bachelors degree in psychology and after realizing I wasn't going to do much with that degree as I've completely lost interest in that field. Since 2018, I have been working as a part-time student advisor making less than $20k annually as I was very undecided about the direction my life was going to go and it was like this for 2 years until I decided to return to college to take prerequisite courses for graduate school so that I can get into a data science graduate program. + +I'm currently in my program right now and I have been keeping a 4.0 GPA and this gives me a lot of hope but I've noticed that some of my friends (including my love interest) make much more money than I do and have their own places. My love interest told me that I will eventually get out of my situation and we still had very passionate sex when I last visited him and we exchanged our gratitudes for each. + +But its like, I'm very disappointed at myself for allowing myself to be where I am today. If I had known from the beginning just how much my socioeconomic status would affect my prospective friendships/relationships, I would have taken things more seriously and considered a field that was more lucrative when I was an undergrad.",Depression +47128,"i dont want meds my doctor is talking about a counsellor referral and meds (ssri’s). i dont want to take meds, im scared of the side effects and such, especially when stuff like weight gain and low libido are super common side effects. i know if i experience that i will become so much worse (because i have experienced that). can i be better with just counselling or will i need medicine? im sorry if this is silly , i don’t know anyone who’s on them i have no one to turn to",Depression +47129,"I dont knwo what to do anymore I used to hurt myself with a purpose but now i do it just because, wondering if one day I’ll be able to bring it to a point of no return because i feel so pathetic for hurting myself without a purpose atleast if i try to commit suicide theirs a purposw but for some reason i dont wanna die but i do and its so hard to explain. I either care to much or not at all, im so angry all the time its like the moment i feel anything negative ir turns into anger and i hurt everyone around me and the worst thing about it is i have a small circle of people that care and i wish they didnt so it was easier to live with the way i feel. I don’t have any friends though but i ruined those friendsships, somedays i care and somedays i dont. But i dont have anyone to talk to so thats why im writing here and im not sure what im looking for by doing this so what is the point really. I dont know 😔",Depression +47130,"I need to know if this would be a painless way to go im not depressed i dont think i just have some really big problems going on and i hate my life so much, I really want to die but I don't want to feel pain or anything cos that would suck, so I was thinking would a lethal overdose on some sort of drug be painless or would it hurt?",Depression +47131,Where can I get some guidance? I feel so empty and I just don’t know where to turn now.,Depression +47132,Something I don't hear talked about a lot is how dysfunctional functional depression is It's like you feel like you're doing things but then anytime anything doesn't work how it should it creates internal chaos with 0 way of processing without a breakdown. Or maybe it's just me.,Depression +47133,Fuck this I’m trying so hard to better myself and not feel so fucking depressed but it’s hard when it feels like you have no support and nobody seems to understand. It’s hard enough having a fucked up mental but now you add everything else going on and it feels like a lot of things are just so insignificant,Depression +47134,"My every day battle +I’m constantly battling with myself, day after day, I’m kinda get sick of beating myself up over not being good enough for me…. I’m working hard, but I don’t feel like I’m working hard enough on myself even the way I feel like I need to. + +I’ve gotten off my meds, but sometimes it feels like a relapse. It’s made my taste in music change, things I used to love I don’t enjoy anymore- friends: I don’t really connect with many anymore even the people I used to see I don’t see any more. My connections seem to be gone. + +The constants in my life there is maybe 4 of; my job, my family, my friends and where I live. Emotionally I’m not well. Physically I’m doing better so one thing at a time I guess. + +Fighting with myself I don’t want to do it constantly.",Depression +47135,"I wish I could get hit in the head and forget my past I just don’t really care anymore I guess. I just hope I get some brain injury so that it causes memory loss or something a long those lines. + +Dying doesn’t sound so bad either honestly but forgetting would be way better. Then I could function again and be happy hopefully.",Depression +47136,"Got laid off, and can't even enjoy the free time My friends are telling me to travel or do fun things while I hear back from the jobs I've applied to, but how can I? I'm anxious about not having a paycheck. I have no drive to do anything other than apply to jobs. I have all this free time now and even when I can't focus on job applications I'm too depressed to do anything I would actually enjoy. + +Well, I still enjoy doing yoga so not all is bleak, but that's pretty much all I have the energy to do. + +I've lost all the creativity and passion I used to have for making art, and my friends are all still working full time so I don't really have anyone to hang out with until they get out of work. I know I'm going to regret this time once I'm back to working full time and having limited time off, but I don't know how to experience joy right now.",Depression +47137,"Cavei minha própria cova Eu tenho 18 anos, e nunca soube o que eu queria exatamente da minha vida, sempre tive minhas ideias, mais não pretendia chegar a os meus 18. +Eu comecei a me cortar com 16, quando a pandemia começou, eu não sei oq estava fazendo e logo minha mãe percebeu e me levou ao psicólogo, eu fiz terapia e tomei remédios pata melhorar. Infelizmente descontinuei minha medicação, de antidepressivo e sonífero por não ter dinheiro, e acabei tendo a pior ou melhor ideia possível. Tentei me suicidar com 17, e serio, eu nunca pensei que minha vida chegaria onde chegou, pq mesmo eu tentando melhorar, eu ainda achava que era ruim alguém como eu poder se sentir feliz mais uma vez. +Eu sobrevivi, mais a troco de que? Eu não tenho nada para fazer aqui, e eu sou uma inútil, pq logo eu teria uma segunda chance? Só digo que quanta mais eu pioro, mais me vem a ideia de que eu não quero morrer, eu mereço, mais não quero. Eu esperaria, se soubesse que tem algo pra mim no futuro. +Vejo meus antigos colegas de escola indo trabalhar, fazendo faculdade e criando uma família, mais eu ainda sou uma garota de 16. Que não cresceu, que não cresce com o tempo. A ideia que eu tenho é que eu já morri, mais estou tentando alcançar a luz, a luz da minha cova, que eu mesma cavei, eu deveria estar morta, pq eu ainda insisto em querer viver?",Depression +47138,"my life probably going downhill starting today I cut myself today, i saw the wound that i inflicted on myself, had my very first panic attack and now i still feel nauseous +I dont even feel real anymore, no one talks to me and at the same time i cant talk to anyone because of this goddamn social anxiety shit its been 3 years and i still havent changed one bit. The school work is piling up and im so tired of trying to get through every single week, i promised myself to get into guitar so i can be proud of myself for once but i dont even have the motivation to learn. Im fucking stupid and if my classes werent mostly in google meet then i would have failed school already. I feel so pathethic and if i talk to my best friend about my loneliness she would just say ""its because you don't talk!"" I know she says that as a joke but it hurts me every single time, it makes me feel incapable, it makes me feel like its my fault and i already believe that. If my suicide attempt worked then i wouldve been gone for 3 years. God everyday i wish to get hospitalized or get hit by a fucking car already, i just want a break from all of this.",Depression +47139,"Didn’t expect myself to live this long? Now what? My depression started fairly young into my pre-teen years, therefore it was really difficult to envision a future for myself, and if I’m being honest, I never expected to live past 18. + +Now I am approaching my mid-20’s and I’m just now realizing how much self-sabotage this has caused me. I feel so far behind in life now, I didn’t care about my studies back then, or my social life, or my finances, or my skillset or even experiences. I just let things pile up and I now burn out easily because of it. I enrolled back into college but can’t power through it. + +I’m currently just rotting in bed all day, hoping I find the strength one day to just tackle my abandoned life head on. I’ve tried cutting off all my addictions but I just end up sleeping all day when I do. A part of me does want to get better, I’m letting down my gf and my studies(again). If anyone happens to have guidance or words of encouragement please reach out…",Depression +47140,All my friends are in jail and I'm thinking of crashing out Im in a certain blood set and most of my friends are in jail. I myself was thinking of going to jail too. I don't value myself. I joined the set because I was protecting someone close to me from another gang because they threatened to hurt them. I'm going to accept the consequences if I carry out the mission on my own but it does suck. My best friends are Gone possibly forever. My day ones. I still have a couple around but it's not the same you know. No female can replace a bond between my friend group. They were my niggas lol but yeah I'm only 18 and kinda willing to throw my life away already. My heart feels so cold everyday. From drug addiction to doing shit in the streets. From being abandoned at a young age to being homeless with my family. From people always looking down on me and the darkness I surrounded myself with. I despise humans besides my best friends and my family. I hate people. I'm ready to go I really don't care if I live or die. It's crazy because even my therapist told me at a young age I'd be a threat to society anyways. I'd be afraid to admit she was right. Materialistic things don't matter to me. I feel as if almost my only purpose is living for my gang. I don't feel happy ever. I just hate everyone and everything. I'm ready to go. I miss my friends. goodbye.,Depression +47141,I wish my brain would leave me alone Just stop with the negative thoughts and feelings. Just leave my mind in peace for once. Leave me alone.,Depression +47142,"I’ve finally cried sober for the first time in years My dad died in 2018 when I was 16, and since then I’ve been pretty much emotionally numb. Lately I’ve been starting to feel hints of emotions but they’re usually fleeting. I just cried today after being depressed about ending up alone on Friday night. I couldn’t stop looking at pictures of my dad and crying. I miss him so much I just want to talk to him. It hurts so badly to know I’ll never get that chance again. Can someone tell me it’ll all be ok? + +Sorry for bad grammar and everything I just really don’t care rn.",Depression +47143,Is serotonin syndrome painful? How painful is it and what are the chances of dying from it,Depression +47144,"I'm so tired of trying to be okay. When I don't exercise regularly, my mental health takes a nose dive. When I don't push myself to go into social settings and interact with others, especially friends, semi-regularly, my mental health takes a nose dive. When I don't push myself to switch up my routine, it happens and it happens when I have no routine. It happens when I don't get enough sleep, when I don't spend enough time outside and the list goes on. It's exhausting. And while a lot of these habits/things are enjoyable in the moment, once I push past my ""but I don't wanna"" inner toddler brain, I'm so sick of having to do so much all the time just to maintain ""okay"".And truth be told, lately, I haven't. Life has been unnecessarily shitty and I've had to make so many decisions and compromises on big things like my job and living situation that I crumpled. And I know working out would make a much bigger difference to my mood right now than writing this post, but I'm sick of everything. Why does life insist on being such a shit show? + +Update: After writing this, briefly texting with a redditor, who was kind enough to reach out to ask if I'm okay and feeling my feelings for a bit (aka crying), I put on my workout clothes and got it over with. It didn't do much right then and there, but I also went to bed on time, to get a proper night's rest and I woke up feeling a little better. So, up and onwards I go until the next time I veer off track managing myself. Because there really isn't an alternative. I know how low I get, when I throw in the towel and don't pick it back up again quickly enough. ",Depression +47145,"dealing with depressikn How’s anyone else make riding out their depression spells easier? + +(outside of meds, therapy, and other medical treatments. just day to day, esp when any energy you may have had is long since gone, and in that fun start of numbness)",Depression +47146,"Should I focus on my mental health first or my academic studies ? I am a Med student who is struggling a lot with anxiety and depression, I haven’t went to a therapist yet but I am planning to soon, however I am feeling guilt that maybe instead I should spend more time on studying or find ways to improve my academic performance (because it’s not well and is partially the reason I am depressed). +Anyways in conclusion I am wondering should I first deal with my mental health or my academics ? +(I have also been suicidal that’s probably important to mention.)",Depression +47147,"I don't know how to cope with my grief I dated someone for over 10 years of my life. My entire 20s. I never loved anyone more. We had a falling out, our relationship became toxic and even as we tried to remain friends it didn't work. + +I cut her off last year at end of january/beginning of february. I assumed she had moved on and everything and stopped talking to me. + +Instead...she died. I suspect she took her own life. No one told me. For 13 months I held resentment towards her. I didn't want to be with her but I was upset that she had made our relationship toxic. + +Instead, she was dead. Her family did not tell me. On tuesday her mother called me to tell me the news 13 months later. I am devastated. She did not deserve to die. I am so fucking angry at myself. I knew she was sick, I knew she was suicidal and I cut her off anyway. I'm angry at her family for denying me the ability to see her funeral. I'm angry that everyone else got a year to grief together and I am dealing with this loss alone. + +I didn't message her for an entire year because I was convinced she found someone else and my pride wouldn't allow me to even say ""hi, hope all is well"". + +I feel horrendous.",Depression +47148,"My (21F) boyfriend (21M) has depression and it is affecting our relationship. So, like the title says: my boyfriend has depression. He already suffered from this even before we met. So, I knew what I was getting myself into. But I did not care because he seemed so willing to be open, to communicate (or at least try his best and give me as much as he could), happy (as much as you can be happy in a depression) to be with me and most of all he showed me so much love. + +Months have gone by since we became official. And his depression has been getting worse. I don't care, I want to be there for him all the way through everything. I love him. I would do so much for him (and I do, but I would do basically anything for him). + +But I have felt him getting less open and he doesn't communicate his thoughts and feelings at all anymore. Whenever something is bothering him or whenever he is feeling bad, I notice, I can just tell. But then when I ask him what's is going on, he always says ""nothing"" (and then continues to show behaviour that clearly shows he is feeling some type of way). Whenever I do push through to have a conversation with him, he gets really quiet and doesn't answer most of my questions, and if he does it is usually a one-word-answer. + +He isn't happy about anything anymore. Not even about me, I think. There used to be a time where he made me feel special, wanted, loved. Now he gets annoyed or even mad if I say or do anything wrong (when all I want to do is help him). I am distraught. I love him more than anything. I can not handle the heartbreak it would give me to lose him. We are so far in together. We had (have) plans for the future. But without him actively showing me love and trying to communicate, I just feel like I am giving him so much of myself but not getting enough back. + +He says he has no time to work on everything. +Granted, he has his education and work. Which is already tiring for him, especially living with depression, an anxiety disorder and an ED. + +I guess the conclusion is that he has no room for this relationship anymore. But due to me being selfish, I can't bring myself to break up with him.",Depression +47149,"Help with new eating pattern!!! Hello, all. Thank you for taking the time to listen! I recreantly have been on a weight loss journey and have lost roughly 100 pounds in 3 months. I did this by exercising for a few hours a day and being careful of what I eat or drink. + +These last two weeks though, I have been bingeing and eating like there is no tomorrow. An adventure that is driving me insane and, honestly, depressed. I still work out and such. During the daytime I am happy and on cloud-9; the feeling that anything is possible and the world is my oyster. At night though, I get depressed and always have these cravings for sugary food. Even though I do not want the food, I end up indulging. + +I hate myself for doing this. I do not want to go back to being overweight moreso than I currently am. Does someone have any tips or suggestions for my conundrum?",Depression +47150,"as a lil experiment, i decided to start answering ""no"" to ""are you ok?"" The results: not a damn thing changed. They asked, listened to the response, and left. that question means literally nothing lmao.",Depression +47151,"how did you know that you were/are depressed and not just mentally exhausted or burned out? both depression and mental exhaustion or burnout share a lot of the same things: + +\- no energy to do things + +\- bad sleep + +\- not in the mood to do things + +\- a very bad memory and not able to remember things + +\- not being capable of having fun because you feel so tired + +\- you want to do things but are just not able to do so cause you feel so crappy + +\- getting angry or irritated at everything and everyone + +how did you know that you were/are depressed and not just mentally exhausted or burned out? + +I learned that a depressed person might still want to do things but feel so tired and don't enjoy the things they wanna do or used to enjoy. + +i had some kind of medical form with a lot of questions and the result is that i have a very high score on distress and depression, but depression can cause high distress symptoms and high distress can cause depression symptoms. + +Anyone who can share some information? + +Ps, they claim i am clinically depressed for a few years now but i don't wanna die (i also don't care if i live or die. If i die then so be it).",Depression +47152,"I’m sad. I don’t deserve to transfer colleges. + +I have a scholarship at my current institution and it’s politically more healthy and accepting than the one I want to go to. + +The one where I’m transferring to isn’t as good but I have a friend group and we’re very warm. The politics of some members bother me though. + +I don’t deserve this. + +I have a scholarship ffs at my institution. + +What’s driving me away is the imminent threat of violence should I speak up about the abuse I endured at the church I grew up in which also has a branch at my university. + +I wanna die. + +Either high out of state costs with less accepting people but very warm and tight knit friends nonetheless or in state with more accepting environment but no friends and a gun on the back of my head in the mirage of “acceptance and environment”",Depression +47153,"(31f) I hate my life I know it just comes with trauma that I have no idea how to compact, and I feel so behind.. + +I live at home with my mom because of student loans from a degree I had to drop out of because her credit score wasn't good enough, and neither was mine. I now sit with 80k in student debt and only 20k would be gone if Biden finally wipes away student debt.. + +My mom right now has been more anxiety inducing than before. I get it, I'm overweight, I have mental health issues, need some sun and a better job, but it doesn't help when she berates and complains about it daily and comparing me to others. + +I barely eat as it is, and while she serves unhealthy food as well, she gets mad that I'm not eating healthy and moving like a fucking swan. I'm like 200 lbs full of anxiety, different kinds of odd combinations of grass and veggies in some green smoothies that tastes like eating someone's ass that hasn't showered for 3 years. Still gets mad that I eat unhealthy when she makes it and it's literally all we have. + +She gets mad that I don't spend time with her at all and prefer to hang out with my friends that are online. She tells me I look ugly and I should look better in clothes that look ugly on me as it is. + +Literally, she treats me just like my older brother did minus the sexual abuse I endured for 14 fucking years (which ended when I was 26 by leaving to art school and finally having a way to make it end by severing ties with him (well he did it with me) + +Being yelled at because I get anxious or depressed isn't a way to help someone unpack trauma nor help them get motivated about doing better. + +It's gotten so bad I can't focus on anything very well. I don't even have privacy to go and study to be a data analyst in Coursera because school is really expensive nowadays and i don't have the time to be able to go. + +I feel really stuck. + +And I know many people are gonna say it's procrastination and I get it might be, but it stems from an overflowing and ever-changing amounts of anxiety and depression that has never stopped. I can't afford therapy because that shit isn't covered, nor can I drive to one because I don't have a car nor do I have the money to pay for an Uber drive weekly along with whatever fee therapy comes with.bi also never have privacy so I can't do at home therapy. I have so little privacy my mom barges in and tries to talk to me even though I tell her I'm in a literal meeting. But if I try to set boundaries or do things myself I'm called an asshole... It's so much thrown at me I feel like I just freeze and just sit and do nothing because that's better than sitting with her and possibly be yelled and berated at for my weight for the umpth time even though she's heavy and diabetic herself. + +Yeah.. + +My live sucks right now...",Depression +47154,"You guys ever catch yourself smiling when you're not happy? I do it all the time when I'm around people. Obviously. But sometimes I catch myself smiling when I'm all alone, and when I think about how I'm feeling, I'm neutral at best. + +So why tf am I smiling? Anyone else experienced this? Can anyone tell me why?",Depression +47155,"feel like crap tonight i dread when the sun goes down. because i’m officially all alone without anyone to keep me company, to keep me out of my head. normally i sleep pretty well, despite it all. i get to bed pretty okay. but for the last week, super vivid dreams have been causing me to wake up anxious and feeling like i barely slept. and what do i do to stop it? just sleep more! i haven’t woke up before 4:00 in the evening for the last week. i just don’t know what to do anymore. when i am up, if no one is around or i’m not on the phone with someone, i just cry. i cry and dwell on how crappy everything is right now. then i progress to berating myself for throwing pity parties all the time, or how hateful i’m starting to get with others in my sheer exhaustion. i’m sick of this. i just want it to stop.",Depression +47156,"I'm tired all the time This might sound like an exaggeration but I'm being dead serious when I say I have not felt properly awake in months and it's awful. I don't know why I feel this way but its majorly impacting my life. I usually sleep for 15 hours a day and those other 9 hours are just me forcing myself to stay awake until I physically can't anymore. I've tried everything, I started working out and have lost 20 pounds since the year started and I still don't feel energized. I had to switch to online school due to several factors, but one of them was my inability to make it through the school day because I was just so tired that I couldn't function. I drink dangerous amounts of caffeine on the daily but even that doesn't help. I don't know what to do but feeling this way just makes me extremely suicidal. Being awake is painful.",Depression +47157,"How do I help my depressed friend? So, I (20f) became friends with this guy (27m) about a year ago. We get along well and talk mostly everyday. Of course there are days when he's not really active and vise versa and I completely understand that. In the past he's voiced not wanting to be alive and it worried me but his mood seemed to lift afterwards. Well, recently he started venting about life and told me he's contemplating killing himself. His mom's sick, he's the only one supporting his family financially and he's a single dad. I tried to do my best to listen and let him know I'm there for him but I'm still worried about him. I don't feel like anything I'm doing is enough. So I guess my question is how can I best help my friend.",Depression +47158,"Job Hunting Related Depression Does anyone that currently hasn't had a job ever feel like they are useless? I graduated from University in 2022 (maybe it was 2021, Covid messed up my sense of time) to get a bachelors degree in Culture, Literature, and the Arts, but I am stuggling REALLY HARD to find a job. I don't necessarily need a job in that specific profession, but I do want a job that will at least make life manageable so I can eventually get my own place and move out of my parents basement. I've worked a temp job at my old University, but never had a ""real"" job where they wouldn't get rid of me after a couple of months. Right now I havent been able to find a good job that my parents will accept, and I feel like it is tearing me apart on the inside watching my friends and siblings move on in their lives while i'm struggling so far behind them, I honestly don't know what to do. I've cried about this before, on many occasions. It feels like my anxiety issues crush the soul out of me that I struggle everyday to get out of bed. Has anybody else dealt with this? How did you overcome it?",Depression +47159,"Putting my depression on others How can I help alleviate all of this depression I’m going through. It’s hard for me to leave the house or do the things I love without someone taking me and getting me out. Also, I keep putting it all on my partner and I can tell it’s a lot for them to see me like this everyday. If anyone can help I would appreciate it. I’m scared of how it may be ruining who I am as a person and sometimes I think it would be easier to just self sabotage or worse.",Depression +47160,I'm a horrible person. I've been fighting with my mom often. It's taking a big toll on the both of us and I've recently started to think that she might be right about how I am selfish and horrible to her. I'm so tired of things at this point and has thought of ending things multiple times. Telling her how I feel and think never is possible because I get so scared. I'm such a bad person where I can't even respect my mom but also so useless as I get to scared to end things.,Depression +47161,"i hate myself i really hate myself so much, like i’m basically the worst… it’s impossible for me to even keep friends they always end up hating me like why can’t i just be normal like everyone else? my mind just spirals making me think about stuff i don’t want to and making me more and more depressed which then ends up making people i talk to hate me which then makes everything even worse like what’s even the point of my existence",Depression +47162,"I think I’m done with life honestly I’m a failure, all my high school friends graduated college and have a partner. Meanwhile I’m 24 almost 25 with no college degree still trying to finish college. The person I fell in love with doesn’t love me back. Theres more to it but I don’t want to bother anyone by having to read such a long post. I honestly think the only thing keeping me in this world is my dog. I cry every night and I keep replaying all my failures and overthinking everything. I don’t know what to do.",Depression +47163,"I look so sad and cold every day. People think I’m rude. I think I’m rude, because I look so cold, too. But the fact is that I’m too depressed and anxious to manage my facial expressions and responses. + +People think I’m weird. (I have SAD, ADHD and several other disorders which make me ‘weird’) I feel so misunderstood. I have BPD, I always feel like I’m abandoned by everyone around me. That makes me super anxious and depressed. + +I’m also anxious about many other silly things and it affects my daily life so badly. I feel like a failure. I’m really depressed. I wish I could just disappear forever. Every day I just wish that I could never wake up again. + +I wish I looked more like a normal person so people won’t notice me and talk about me.",Depression +47164,my anxiety is crushing me My mind is killing me it switches up so fast and I don't understand why I want to be alone but can't stand it and my stress jus fucking kills me over the dumbest shit too I have no way to fix it either I drink and cut and jus can't stop sometimes I want it all to end,Depression +47165,vent i don't deserve to be alive i swear to god im such a fuck up i fucked everything in my life up i wish i could just die,Depression +47166,"Confused about reason So, at the current time in my reality, I finished school around 2 years ago and have been jobless since; I've been living with my family. The days have become dull and time-wasting- I feel like my time sleeping and dreaming is more fulfilling and lively for me, than being awake... + + +When I wake up, I turn on my computer and- if I'm not doing something with my family, I'll sit for 12-14+ hours a day- with breaks of making food and stuff... +Everything has become obscurely pointless, I feel like I'm wasting my life on ""temporary"" things... A part of me, just wants to stay in the dark and discover the vast illusion of suffering- while the other part, wants to start and become something grand. + + +I despise how society is built, everything feels so complex and demanding. Many times again, I've wished that the world was of a past era- a downgrade, if you will- where economy, complexity, orderliness, greed and money wasn't discovered. + + +Anyways, probably gonna feel better tomorrow.",Depression +47167,"Being born mortal is worse than not having been born in the first place. My mortality recently hit me for real, and it's been sending me into a deep depression. Everything feels utterly pointless, because no matter how well I live, I'll die and not remember any of it. There won't be any legacy of me, since the universe itself will die in the end. Nothing has any point to it, we're just here to plug our ears and pretend that we're never going to die, despite also being certain of it. My whole life just fell apart, and now I can barely enjoy things knowing it'll all be gone. I keep mourning my friends and family, knowing everything I do with them amounts to nothing. No professional help or medication can change these things. Existence is just a prison where they dangle all these wonderful things in front of you, and then remind you that you'll be dead and none of it will have mattered. There's no afterlife, no legacy, nothing. This feels like the cruelest joke imaginable. I have zero motivation to pursue a career, knowing it's all for nothing. I can barely enjoy my hobbies, knowing they're just a distraction and won't be remembered by anyone.",Depression +47168,"My mother treats me like shit and I keep going back I’m 21 f, and my mom 61 , me and her never had the best relationship going ever since maybe a kid and even more now. Growing up it hurts that your mom and dad argue violently over the phone about their relationship and who doesn’t want to keep me back and forth I would cover my ears and rock even growing up I was very very munched bullied told my mom and nothing would be done even told her as a 10 year old I wanted to unalive… ignored me even told her a lot of time growing up and I didn’t have my dad alot due to him being on drugs and in and out of prison and my mom being upset about it losing her soulmate and going to my dad they have a very very rocky relationship and marriage and they could’ve been better off divorced even. One time she and him went all out on it changing locks separated even her leaving me with my little sister for weeks to see random men she just met but took each other back my mom has bully me about my weight even called me a hoe a bitch a disappointment and how much she wants me out of her house and everything hurts my feelings even calls my undiagnosed (very much have it ) adhd a retard Thing a problem and I have adhd and tells my dad about it like I’m. Such a retard…. She even threatened me many times to put me out a girl who’s does everything she ask for went to school getting decent or good degrades first to grad high school soon college and in college to be a teacher … but she wants to put me out and everything and not my 40 year old brother who literally has nothing going for him and has the nerve to call him the better child even though they rarely get into he calls her out her name and she does too I never done that to her no matter how mad Iam ,I don’t know what I did wrong my heart hurts. I seek attention from the wrong crowd from men from anybody just to be groomed to feel all sweet and happy in my heart and All I wanted is motherly love and a healthy relationship we do then something happens and I’m getting hurt naked called fat she and more my dad sometimes agree with her and even takes her side it’s rare when he takes my side he’s even worse at times I have mental breakdowns from them and even cry myself to bed wanting a loving relationship with them. Even had a few work mothers who I enjoyed it fills a hole in my heart even because of them they call me the sweetest names and talk to me about my issues than her brushing it off even my dad calling me weak all because of this I gained age regression and find comfort from this at late nights or when I’m all very much alone",Depression +47169,"Emotional detachment For the last three years, I’ve experienced emotional detachment. It’s been so long that I forgot I have it. I have close to no emotional reactions to anything external. The only way I can make myself cry is if I’m pretending to be sad. I don’t feel anything and it makes me think I’m crazy. I don’t act numb because I fake my emotions. Even when I’m alone. I used to feel more. But now when situations occur when emotions would most likely come out, it doesn’t even feel like it’s happening to me. I could chop off all my hair and I would have no reaction. My sister got engaged and I had to fake my reaction. Whenever I hear news, it’s just like hearing words and that’s all. It doesn’t feel like I’m emotionless per se, it feels like I’m not even processing the situation in the first place. Logically, I know it’s happening but I don’t feel aware at all. Why is this? Is this depression? Am I a sociopath? I’d also like to bring up that I have been diagnosed with OCD. And I had a very emotionally abusive father at a very young age.",Depression +47170,"I think I have everything, I still don’t want to live I 24(f) have spent the last 10 years of my life in a horrible depressive state. Despite this, I have gone to university, always been a people pleaser and maintained a fairly nice life. I have a nice car, my dream job and I have bought my own house. I realise this seems so nice and it’s such a far cry from reality to say I’m struggling but honestly things couldn’t be worse. The job that was my dream feels so difficult, all I do is work all week then spend my weekends drunk. I’m trying to break this habit but it’s hard. If it hadn’t gone on so long I would think it was because of alcohol but because I have felt like this for so long I think I am just destined to feel this way. I want to die but I’m too scared. How do we go on living in this state of wanting to be the best we can but also wanting to fade away into nothing?",Depression +47171,"Hate being sober I guess I’m a poly addict but rn it’s alcohol. I just turned 21. I’m wasting my life away drinking everyday, no job, I have one passion and it’s music but I don’t see it going anywhere. My gf is an alcoholic who blames me for her alcoholism. She asked if she could punch me in the face tonight. Called me a loser cuz I said she needed help. Idk I guess I’m just venting but I’m so lost and I feel like no one cares. My mom sends me $50 a week so I won’t bother her, that’s how I get my alcohol. I feel like such a bum loser, can’t even hold down a job let alone show up to an interview. It’s a cop out for sure but it’s because my anxiety. I get anxiety everywhere, I’m scared of shit like getting blown up Everytime I stop to fill up on gas. I’m scared of a gas line exploding at a food service place. I can’t even be outside with panic attacks that I’m gonna be struck by lightning. I just need help and idk where to turn it feels like everyone hates me or is disappointed. I feel like I won’t be here much longer I can’t deal with the anxiety or stress or apathy or anything I can’t do it anymore. I guess this is just a vent and I’m sorry if it breaks any rules but damn life is just weird and sad and I don’t get it. 21 btw if that makes a difference",Depression +47172,"Even the smallest things hurt I was already having a pretty bad day today, feeling depressed, and feeling abandoned by people I care about. I figured I'd at least find some comfort in food, so I headed to my colleges dining hall buffet and grabbed a box to put some food in for takeout. Well I spotted one of the foods I really like, hashbrown casserole but that's not really important, and started grabbing myself a decent portion. But with how layered thin it was, to get a reasonable portion, it would take more scoops because of the thinness. Well I guess one of the workers spotted how much was gone from me scooping n they made jokes with one saying ""gah damn"" when looking over at me and his work buddies laughed. One of the others said ""don't worry about it, we're glad u enjoy it"" and I usually don't care about jokes like that, but after the day I had, that was the final straw. I finished grabbing my food, went to my room n broke down. First time I had cried in months because I was getting better at managing, but once everything starts piling up, you never know what can be the gum wrapper that topples the pile.",Depression +47173,"I'm having bad intrusive thoughts. I'm having really bad intrusive thoughts, well I assume they are intrusive, maybe they are just my thoughts. +I want to hurt myself. +I want to kill myself. +I want to hurt someone else. +I'm trying to distract myself. +But I'm also making an excuse in my head to go out and act on these. +Everything would be so much easier if I was dead. +I don't want to deal with this anymore.",Depression +47174,"Hopeless and want Hope I do not know where to begin. I found out my mom has stage 2 lung cancer and we have a complicated relationship. I love her but I do not like her as a person. She was very controlling, toxic and rough. I know she had the best intentions for me but she used shame to inspire me to be what she wanted. She helped to make me a people pleaser and obsessed with my weight. I do not hate her. I love her. I hate that I am not the daughter she wanted. She is trying to be kind now but it does not come naturally to her. + +I try to visit my folks every 2 months to help out as I am several states away. I am very sad as when my folks pass, they are both in their 80’s, I will not have any family of origin. + +I get sad thinking about attending a funeral. It is not sadness. It is deeper. I do not think I would be able to get on a plane. I think about this as my mom has let me know that I have to. I told her that I do not care what other people think. That is a lie. I do care deeply what others think. + +I am crying right now. It is more than my mom being sick. I grew up being told I was fat and told that everyone was talking about me. I know she just wanted a thin daughter and did not have the tools to tell me she would love me just as I am but was concerned about my health. She would just use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. I think she wanted to inspire me with these tactics. She and my dad both had rough childhoods and did not know how to parent. They sent me to good schools, bought me everything I wanted and tried their best with the limited knowledge they had. + +Still crying and feeling hopeless. I feel that my life has been so much to please them. And I failed according to them. They are both trying very hard to be loving now. I did not receive hugs growing up and do now. + +I am rambling. I just am very sensitive. I think my self esteem is so low that I do not know how to receive love now. +Please tell me if you had a complex relationship with a parent and how you handled end of life issues. How did you cope with a dying parent who made you feel like a failure ? +How do you go on after being told how terrible you are? +Why was she so rough? +Why did it take her finding out she has cancer to hug me and tell me I look good? +Why? +Will I find happiness after she dies? +Why do I hate myself? +Why why why and thanks.",Depression +47175,"I'm struggling to get a reason to keep going It's just so hard. I've been trying to find a way to get better, but I just can't. + +My only goal lately has been to save money in order to move out of my parent's house. That's it. + +I just work and sleep. I miss being a kid.",Depression +47176,"i am at my lowest point I feel terrible. I don’t care about life. I don’t want to care about it. I don’t want things to get better. I just want out. these feelings are becoming crippling at this point and I’m struggling to take care of myself, kids or work. I have no interest or motivation to do anything. I am so very alone. I don’t wanna talk to other people anyway because I’m just bad energy and I hate to keep bringing that to people I care about. I live because I have two daughters that I love, but that’s it. I feel stuck and hate that I have obligations like work when I can barely stop crying all day.",Depression +47177,"Honestly, I do not want to get better Today psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants. After she asked if I would take them, I said ""maybe, but honestly I don't know if even want to get better"". Because I, to be completely fair, lost any sense in living, there's no worth in my presence on this world. Nonetheless, she said that my mind is simply trapped in this pesimistic way of thinking, and I have to believe it can and will get better using therapy and medication. + +But at this time, I do not want to. I've had a strong, suicidal episode recently. I'm waiting for it to come back and drive me to an attempt. Seriously, will these thoughts pass by or what? I have a strong sense meds won't help with that and I'm scared if they would actually work. I'll probably start taking them tomorrow. + +Can anyone share a similar experience with not wanting to get better?",Depression +47178,"Slowly losing my life after covid. I am 29 now. + +I had job, good place to stay, healthy bank balance. Everything one needs until covid hit. + +I got this loud breathing condition which can't really be fixed. I cant really perform in interviews due to this. I lost my golden job in covid period, since then i slowly accepted lower paying jobs. Everyone around me elevated to new heights in meantime I here I am broke and I have nothing left to lose. + +My heath also has taken a hit. + +If anyone got any online job opportunity please let me know. + +934nf710nmv6@gmail.com + + here is my email. Or you can PM me. + +Please don't try to scam me, I have nothing left to lose.",Depression +47179,"I hate the way I am I really hate myself. I hate that when I get more depressed than usual, I crave external validation. It's all I can do not to seek attention from people when I feel like shit. + +I hate that I get strong crushes on people who show me genuine affection for a couple of days. + +I hate that I'm incapable of putting effort into changing my life and myself. + +I just want to be held and loved, and I hyperfixate on new people who I think care about me. I just want attention to make me feel better, and I hate it.",Depression +47180,"The worst symptom of depression for me is low self esteem. Because it’s so obvious. Let’s face it no one likes someone who isn’t comfortable in their own skin, it’s why people gravitate towards social, enthusiastic people who love themselves, these types of people are managers, well respected individuals with families. + +I’m bright, capable, yet I’m completely and utterly held back for the simple fact I hate myself. No one wants anything to do with me, you don’t get a sympathy card in life, either you love yourself and others will want to know you, or no one gives a shit and you are a “weird, creepy quiet loser.”",Depression +47181,Fearing nothing will make me feel better I am unattractive i’ll admit it society doesn’t view me as gorgeous or anything attractive. Society views black women as shrek monsters unless we straighten our hair or are visual mixed. It makes me mad that I’ll never be considered pretty by the mass scale. it always bothers me. I want to leave this planet so bad or die. I don’t ever want to be looked at by anyone ever again.,Depression +47182,"that not so funny feeling i’m reminded of my depression again, with a heavy and hollow feeling in my chest. it’s like someone is sitting on me, pinning me down, rendering me unable to do anything other than lay in bed. i feel this much stronger when i have to be alone with my thoughts. or, if i’m tired. these days i find that i’m always tired.",Depression +47183,"I (15F) cannot do this shit anymore. (Major TW: Suicidal talk) It’s midnight. I have to get up at asscrack early tomorrow. I can’t go to sleep because of how fucking anxious I am. I feel like everyone fucking hates me and tolerates me for some reason. Maybe because they’re scared, maybe some sort of pity, I don’t know. I’m sick of being yelled at whenever I’m at home, I’m sick of it all. I can’t do this. I want out so badly but I can’t get away. I cried in school today because she screamed at me in the car. She didn’t care at all. Does anyone fucking care? People say they do, but realistically, there’s no reason. I wish people would just get it out of the way and stop being fucking pussies and just tell me if they had an issue so I could stop being a fucking burden. I’m pissed and I’m scared and I hate myself and I hate people around me and I wish I could just end it all right here and right now but I can’t because IM TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY. The closest thing I can do is starve myself and throw my guts up, which is a fun little tradition that I’ve had for over a year. Thankfully, my mother, being the kind soul she is, tells me that is bad and will make me fat. Thanks mom! I’m just so sick of this. I’m powerless and weak and I know I am and I wish I had access to a rope right now. I’ll probably forget all about this in the morning too, it’s just that today was a fucking hell day. I’m tired.",Depression +47184,"Depression and memories of the past Is it normal to think only of negative things from the past or even see the past worse than it was while depressed? + +I keep going over a certain experience from the past the lasted for 2 years but it doesn't meet the criteria of PTSD, but there was mistreatment from superiors and bullying from other colleagues but it wasn't consistent, actually most of the time I was treated better except for some situations that I keep remembering till now. + +3 weeks ago I switched to a different SSRI and I started having symptoms like anxiety, panic, ruminating over that experience and feeling worthless which I think were withdrawal symptoms from the old drug (lexapro) + +I noticed that these symptoms come when there is something wrong with the medication or I am going through a stressful time. + +I got a panic attack at work and my manager noticed and when I asked for some time off to recover they stalled and then they released an exit visa from the country and told me I would work remotely from my home country but there is no guarantee that they would keep their word. + +So now I am faced with the possibility of going back to my country which is going through a tough time economically and uncertainty about finding a new job. + +I am now back to the old drug I used to take and increased the dosage to 30mg with the Dr's supervision. + +I am not sure if the medication is not working yet or that I am going through a challenging time so I am having anxiety. + +I spend most of the time alone in my hotel room thinking of the past and worrying about the future and I am just exhausted. + +Your insight would be appreciated",Depression +47185,Feeling like I don’t belong No matter how much I try to change I never feel like I belong or like I’m enough… not sure what to do anymore…,Depression +47186,"I need therapy. I don't like posting anything about myself online because in the long run I feel like it only makes things worse, but i need advice from people with experience. I'm 30 years old, and despite having a job that allows me to pay the bills I feel the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I'm mentally and physically exhausted the majority of the day, and despite making changes in my diet and exercise I feel completely empty. + +I felt better and more alive when I spent my weekends heavily drinking, even though those nights would usually end with me having heart palpitations and feeling like I was going to die. At least when I was inebriated I could feel a spark of the happiness I had when I was younger and that feeling made me want to drink more and more just to keep that spark alive. Unfortunately, now when I drink I get panic attacks that take days for me to get over so it's not even an option for me anymore. + +For the first time in my life I'm considering therapy because at this point I don't know what other alternative to turn to. The only reason its taken me this long to consider it an option is because I feel like I already know what a therapist would say to me. As pessimistic and presumtuous as it is, it seemed pointless. I'll admit It would be nice to vent to someone but is that really all there is to it? I have to be wrong. + +I'm going to look for a therapist first thing tomorrow, but in the meantime I want to hear from those of you with experience. Did any of you share similar skepticism and end up surprised by the results? Thanks in advance for your input.",Depression +47187,"Why? Why is life so overwhelming? + +Why do I always have to worry about everything? + +Why do I keep making bad choices? + +Why can't I just have a normal life?",Depression +47188,"I’m so close to giving up. +I hate this world, I hate this life, and I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate how I am. I hate the way I sound. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate existing. Every time I go to sleep I pray I won’t wake up. Every time I wake up I face the disappointment. I’m so tired of being a burden. I’m so tired of ruining everything around me. I’m so fucking tired of being me. I don’t want to be here anymore. Everything breath I breathe is more than I can take. Every day that passes I become more curious/ eager to find out what happens after death. Everyday I fight the urge to find out. I can’t go one hour without pointing out everything wrong with me. I can’t go a day without wishing I wasn’t here. It doesn’t get better. It never will. Every time I make the tiniest bit of progress life come and hits me like a fucking bus breaking down and destroying everything I’ve worked so hard to build up. I’ve come to the conclusion I just wasn’t made for living. Wasn’t made to survive. The longer im here the worse and longer I’ll suffer. Im so tired. Im so alone. No one understands. No one listens. No one cares. They never have. I crave the feeling of being loved. The feeling of being normal and accepted. I have nothing in my life nor have I done anything with it. What’s the point in trying to make someone I hate thrive? What’s the point of living a life I’ve never wanted. A life I’ve never felt loved or welcomed in. I’m ready to go. I don’t find myself being scared of what will happen to me anymore. I don’t find myself wondering if there’s a heaven or hell. I don’t find myself worrying how it’ll feel. I only seem to think that whatever’s waiting can’t make me feel worse than I already do. I have no one and nothing. Everyone in my life says I’m overreacting or doesn’t even listen enough to understand how I feel. I’m so worthless and useless. I feel so pathetic. Can’t get the energy to get out of bed so I just sit here with my thoughts and they eat me alive. Im not eating. Im barely drinking. Im not living. So whats the point? Why am I here?",Depression +47189,Getting help I can't seem to want help. Maybe it's because every time I've sought out help they haven't helped me and just throw me in a mental hospital but now I just can't ask for help. What do I do?,Depression +47190,"Brain can’t function after a depression episode I am just curious that is there anyone just like me. If yes, I really need some advice. + +I recently had a very bad depression episode few days ago, and even though I am done with the episode and my emotions are more stable right now, my brain doesn’t seem to be functioning in any way. + +I thinking of everything but nothing at the same time. Like I really can’t catch my thoughts or even think anything logically or sensibly. And I feel like a zombie, just do everything based on experience and instinct. + +And the worst part is, people don’t understand that because you look completely normal and functional. They think you’re fine now because you stop crying or being depressed. You can finish normal tasks or conversation because you are in autopilot mode, but when it comes to something that requires more brainpower, you are broken. + +And sometimes it takes weeks or months to really snap out it but life doesn’t give you the luxury of doing that. It stresses me out. + +How on earth do I suppose to do to deal with this?",Depression +47191,"I just lie about being happy I just lie about being happy but when I drink and smoke ik the truth. I honestly don’t see myself living past 30, I’m just going through the emotions and trying to survive.",Depression +47192,"Still. I am SCREAMING and no one hears me. +I sob, constantly. I can’t deal with these lows anymore. It’s like everything crashed at once and I’m too shook to even pick up the pieces. I crave peace. Comfort in any way. All I do is cry to myself. I did everything I could to fix this. Medication, therapy and so much more. +And yet the water is rising. Still.",Depression +47193,"I feel nothing I have all these emotions inside of me that are just trapped inside. I cant express myself the way i want to and its killing me. I show almost 0 emotion every single day and i feel like an outcast. I can laugh, smile, be excited in front of people, but i only do it for them not for myself. When i am alone i get this certain feeling in my head of all my feelings trying to come out at the same time. I hold it in and it feels indescribable, like a literal wave nothingness that washes over me. Then i just hold the blankest face ever, i do this almost all the time except when listening to people and talking to them. Its so hard just observing my life with no feelings. Occasionally it will become too much and i overflow with tears and confusing feelings, but nobody knows this. I get this feeling of laughter and denial that turns into a feeling of sadness and tears. I hate this, i hate myself. I hate that i feel weird being told “i love you” by a family member and being unable to say it back, i want to but i just cant, i don’t know. Im so sick of myself. I dont like it when people do something nice/thoughtful for me because deep down i don’t want anyone to care for me so i can kill myself leaving the smallest impact i can.",Depression +47194,"Constantly held back by not feeling worthy of getting better. I've been depressed for a few years now. I don't feel totally lost. Somewhere inside me, I still have hope, I still have a real belief that it's possible for me to feel normal and happy again. But there's a much stronger feeling, an overwhelmingly powerful one, that even if I *could* be happy again, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve support from others, I don't deserve to make small gains for myself. Every time I start to move in a positive direction, every time others give me advice and offer help, every time it seems like I'm finally digging myself out of the hole.... I stop myself. I hurt myself. I don't let myself get better, because I feel like I don't deserve to be better. + +I hate it. It feels totally inescapable. No matter what progress or advantage I'm giving, I end up deliberately damaging it and tossing it away, because I can't escape the feeling that I deserve nothing but suffering, that it's an injustice to the world if I get better. + +Does anyone else feel this way? Is there any way to feel worthy?",Depression +47195,"The soul-crushing loneliness is just too much I have no one to talk to about my struggles. I am completely alone save for the limited social interaction I receive at work, and even that is only as much as is professionally necessary. I used to be able to smile and laugh to people, but I've been so lonely for so long that it takes everything I have to keep that up anymore. Everyone around me can tell that I'm sad, and that just makes me feel all the more unwanted and disdained. The last 2 people I opened up to got so much secondhand stress that they completely shut me out. Every second I'm not at work I'm just sitting in my empty house. There's no joy in anything anymore. There is absolutely nothing to look forward to on a day-to-day basis. This all just feels so fundamental that I don't even know where to begin to solve it. There's no real conscious impetus to my actions anymore, just listless impulse driving my every thought. The only thing I know for sure in all of this is that every day is the saddest I've ever been.",Depression +47196,"I'm so terribly afraid of death, but I'm also afraid of living. I cried myself to sleep again last night. I was lucky to have loving parents which is why I would not kill myself until they pass. And I pictured myself apologising to the friends I have intentionally drifted from, and hoping they will feel less pain now that we are essentially strangers. Then I started sobbing because my parents are getting older and they will really pass soon, and I'm terrified of death. I'm scared that the darkness of death would be darker than any darkness I've been enveloped in and that I would truly cease to exist. That no one would remember I was once a person with noble and great aspirations to better the world and now I am merely ashes. But living is so painful, and I've been seeking this release for over a decade.",Depression +47197,"I feel my soul is dead/very damaged I hurt her deep deeply. She was the love of my life and I threw it away for casual sex. + +We were so connected. On such a deep level. We were miles apart, yet I could feel her in my soul. All the time. + +We were one. + +And I hurt her deeply. + +I cared for her, showed her new things, loved her, wanted the best for her. + +But alcohol brought out my shallowness. + +It’s not the fact that it’s over. + +It’s seeing her face of devastation when I told her every time I close my eyes. + +She has told me to forgive myself and move on. + +But I just can’t. I would do anything to take back what I did. + +I would trade 1000 lifetimes for one minute with her. + +I am at my lowest right now.",Depression +47198,"angry and disappointed having a hard time right now, and ontop of the things making life harder the plans i was counting on to cheer me up fell through. Left just angry at everyone and everything. This person knows I'm having a shit time right now too.",Depression +47199,"I just want to rant about my depression and anxiety from my depression I talk a lot, I get it from people not wanting to talk to me as a child or telling me I talk to much when I share something I enjoyed. Which created childhood depression and it effected me in several ways and still does 14+ years later (I’m 19 to put that into perspective to just how long I’ve had dealt with this). One of my earliest memories is wanting to become a smart muggle witch like Hermione from Harry Potter. I was so exited about the films I would talk to almost everyone I came across about HP, well almost everyone told me I can’t/I will never be able too/that’s bad/ect but more than anything they would tell me I talk to much, it isn’t ladylike to speak that much. I was 5 years old. As the years went by I was told not to speak often, and anytime I spoke about anything I knew something of such as history or science and especially if I was excited about it I would be cut off and told I spoke to much. All of my “friends” growing up would ignore me in groups or not pay attention if I wanted to join the conversation. Bc of that I became a wall flower and I over tall when people talk to me. I get very depressed most days due to my excessive talking. I know my excessive talking is coming from anxiety, but the depression of feeling alone hurts more. Thank you for reading this if you do read this.",Depression +47200,I’m so sad I’ve been with my bf for almost 10 years and I feel like my relationship is at its end . We have no patience for one another . We are so aggressive to each other . He used to be abusive but hasn’t hit me in almost a year . I’m so scared to be alone but I know I can’t stay like this forever . What do I do ?,Depression +47201,"Seeing my family makes me want to die, and I have no good reason for it My family is wonderful. My parents are generous, understanding, kind, and helpful. My little sister is supportive and great. I’m the black sheep, always jealous of her, watching her live the life I was always supposed to live. I pigeonholed myself in life and she is four years younger and doing everything I wanted to do, living the life I wanted to live, and it hurts me so deeply to see it. It makes me want to separate myself from them entirely. I hate that I can’t be happy for her because of my jealousy. I hate that knowing that she is doing everything I wanted to do makes me want to end my life. I want to cut off contact with them completely, but I have no good reason to other than it fucking hurts every single day being a member of the family. I don’t want to be involved at all.",Depression +47202,"Support and advice greatly needed (26 year old female) sorry for the long post… I’ve been on anti depressants for about the last 12 years of my life. I was always on 100 mg zoloft & then switched to 20 mg lexapro in 2018, but went off of them for about 6 months in 2021 to try to live without them. At the end of those 6 months I started to get dizzy more often & have what I can only describe as uncontrollable thoughts. Not suicidal or thoughts of harming anyone, but I just did not feel in control of my emotions and I felt like I was gonna lose my mind lol & very depressed. So I got back on lexapro 20 mg & after a few months I started to feel average at best but better than before. August 2022 I started to get brain zaps/dizziness every day for over a month so I went to a new psychiatrist and got back on Zoloft 50 mg to start. I worked my way up to 75mg & started to feel a lottttt better, but in December my dad died and I was extremely close to him so that obviously set me back. I went up to 100 mg around Feb 2023 and have been having issues ever since. Very dizzy, lots of anxiety & panic attacks, and the weird uncontrollable emotions/thoughts and always feeling on the brink of a panic attack have been happening since. It gets A LOT worse at night and that’s when most of my issues arise. +Within the last 6 months I’ve seen an ear doctor to make sure I didn’t have inner ear issues causing dizziness, an eye exam (I got a small prescription mostly for being on my phone/computer or reading), and I got an MRI done and saw a neurologist. All has always come back normal so I’m thinking it’s a medication issue or lack of something. I’m mostly looking for advice or comfort to make me feel better since I’m not doing well lol. Thanks for reading ❤️",Depression +47203,"Numbness What do you do when you don't feel nothing anymore? +I felt loneliness and sadness for a long time. +Now I feel nothing, empty. +Nothing interests me, nothing makes me happy +, I don't care about anything and anyone no more. +I feel like I'm dead",Depression +47204,"Please God, I do not wish to see the light of tomorrow. Take me away while I sleep fastly Not one more day of this torment. I fucking beg you every fucking night to take the life away from me. Right to the point I am awake, I am in despair, then I sleep and all suffering cannot be felt, only to wake again, realizing that it will be another day of agony. I am not interested in living. You have given me plenty of gifts, but all I have known is to throw them away. Now the only gift I ask of you is death. It will be your final gift to me, and the one gift I will treasure.",Depression +47205,"I'm sick and tired of this bullshit I can't tell anyone else so I'll say it here + +I have no particular circumstantial problems, traumas etc in life, yet I feel like absolute shit. I feel like I'm cutting myself just to shoehorn myself into a community and feel like I have a problem, so that I can blame all my shortcomings and failures on that ""mY dEpReSsIoN"" instead of owning them up like a normal functioning adult and improving. But noooooo I waste everything I have, all the resources at my disposal, and its funny because I actually am disposing them down the drain lmao. I am just acting things out in this elaborate drama I have constructed for myself so that I can feel like a victim of my own imagination, make up problems where there aren't any, and poach resources away from those actually suffering. + +You know I sometimes take a blade to my hand but I get scared. I get terrified, that probably is a primal instinct. That definitely means I am faking it all, right. If I really hated myself and wanted to kms, I'd be able to sink it deeper, with no regards to the pain. But noooo, all I can do is barely see the white. Because if I was really wanted to kms, I'd have something to show for it. If I'm really suffering, I should've been able to cut deeper just to deal with the ""emotional pain"" that I apparently have. But wait, I can't slide-and-dice deeper - if everything in my life is all fine and dandy, yeah that's right. I'm a fraud. I can't, so that clearly shows I'm not in pain. can't even get a drop out. I'm a fucking fraud + +How do people do it. Deal with the pain and just slice away down deeper. I wanna be able to do it. I'm fake as fuck. + +Man why am I so pathetic, fucking failure of an adult at 25, goddamnit",Depression +47206,"Mmm… just some thoughts if you can relate 🙏 congrats I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel like I have any support. I don’t feel like I can go to anyone and I can tell them exactly how I am feeling because they’re gonna quote some bullshit Bible verse or tell me I’m being so dramatic. My mom doesn’t like listening to me talk but little does she know she needs to cherish my ramblings cause one day I’m gonna just jump in front of the G train and she’s gonna wish she listened to me cause it would be her last day hearing my voice. + + I want to spend the rest of my life doing something I’m passionate about that I simply don’t care if I’m gonna make any money at all. I want to feel something so bad but I feel nothing. I have no real goals, no real accomplishments, no real aspirations. + +And I’m trying so hard to see the brighter side. I’m trying so hard to be positive. I’m trying so hard to find the balance but it’s not working. It’s times like this when I’m sitting in silence where there are no sounds and I don’t have my headphones to drown out all these negative thoughts. I have to sit with them in silence suffering. + +I want friends and I want to build meaningful relationships with people but people are just so tiring I hated having friends but brushed it off as maybe I wasn’t friends with the right people. They were so overwhelming I just wanted to be quiet all the time. + +I don’t know. I don’t know whether I want to die or if I want to live. If I live my life it won’t be mine, and if I die supposedly my life won’t be mine either according to some book of stories.",Depression +47207,"I m deeply sad I feel so so sad and there s no one to talk to. I might be attracted to a guy that is a friend of my bf( we re in an open relationship so it s a lil bit tricky) and like I wanna do stuff with him ig but yea. Anyway I m the only one up, alone and I feel so so sad. I feel like a failure and somehow I feel lije I m drowning. i feel like there s no escape and I can t break the vicious circle that I feel stuck in. I m going to therapy for a few months now and I m struggling. Quite a lot. Everything feels pointless, doesn t make any sense. It might be the fact that I m exhausted. It might the fact that I m tired. It might the fact that I m slightly tipsy now. I went clubbing tonight and i felt kinda shitty at first bc one of my best frens felt shitty too. I hate it. Anyway I understood i m not good when We had to go home earlier and I still +Wanted to drink, but to drink until I forgot bout myself. I wanted to drown in smth that is not the suffocating feeling of being constantly under pressure. What pressure? Idk. But i feel constantly smth in my stomach and my whole body. And when not, I am brain empty. That s why I am brain empty. Bc when I m brain fool, nothin good happensz",Depression +47208,"Failure When I was in high school, I always get praised by my parents and others since I am doing well in my studies. But now that I am in my 2nd yr of college, I am failing my courses and I am not learning. We are not financially stable, and my tuition fee is not a joke. I keep on thinking of ending my life since I am a failure and I keep on disappointing my parents and relatives. My parents keep on comparing me to others and I don't want that. I am doing my best and my best is not enough to pass my courses. I want to end the suffering of my parents by ending my life.",Depression +47209,"It doesn't help me. I HATE when I say things like ""Killing myself is easier than going to college to get a job that I will hate later"" people keep saying ""there's people in the hospital that would give everything to be in your place"", like, bro, I know that and you're just making things worse by making me think that I must be happy all the times because I not in the hospital, but I'll die someday and I want that soon, because then at least I'll be remebered by some people that will be still alive. + And also I hate that everything that I do it seeem like I'm the worst at it, even if it's just me and one other person, they will always be beter than me, and I was talking about that with one of my techers and she said ""then what do you like?"", nothing, literally everything that I do is because my mom wants me to do it and I'm too afraid of making her sad/angry by saying that I don't like it. +(Sorry for the ranting, btw)",Depression +47210,I know I'm going to kill myself one day I'm drunk and I know it's just inevitable but hey let's take it a day at a time,Depression +47211,"i think after losing enough jobs, and now jobless again, 45 and i can acknowledge life is over, i need to find a llace to throw away my car, and other valuables, selling them would be a waste of time money isnt important, a steady check is, unemployment is hardly likely that i would win decision against an employers lawyer, or ppo doctor. i may not have a home, so i need to find someplace i can go and be homeless until i starve to death. or preffered, quick and painless, rather than a lifetime of suffrage. idk who my mother and father are but they were neglegent with me, and guns, and beat me physically to cause permanent injury",Depression +47212,"Late night thoughts Being high functioning is really draining. +I can uphold a mask of normality for a period of time, but Jesus Christ is it exhausting. +In the presence of people, I act. I convince them that I’m fine, I begin to convince myself too. And for a few moments sometimes I forget. Sometimes. +Until I get into bed and I’m staring at the ceiling, feeling an empty sense of longing for God knows what. Why do I feel like something’s missing? +Emptiness engulfs me at the realisation of the futility of it all. Life. +My body aches, my eyes burn and I just want to be unconscious. +And I think to myself, is this all that there is? + +Most of my life, I’ve felt this dark presence lurking in the corner of my mind. Like a feral black dog following me around, just hungrily waiting to devour me. I somehow always manage to find strength to keep moving, but it always follows. +Sometimes, I just greet it, and lay down in despair. + +Think I need my meds again xox",Depression +47213,"Stuck and too afraid to ask for help from anyone because im a disappointment I feel like all I do is go in circles nothing ever changes nor will it, I feel as though i make progress and I think I feel happy for an amount of time and then I get sent back into the hole. Hopeless, worthless, a failure and dissapointment to everyone around me who has tried to help and may think that I'm fine not knowing what is going on in my head for fear of criticism or pity, I hate myself. I've fully accepted death although this is not a suicide note or an indication of one, I have previously attempted and for awhile felt no remorse or regret from doing so. And even now I wish I would've given it 100% as I feel I have no use or purpose and all I ever do is dissappint both myself and others, I am worthless. Nothing I jave ever done is fulfilling past the honeymoon phase of finding a new hobby, I never have the drive or discipline to keep at it I see the mountain I have to climb and it all seems so pointless to me. And I am left a failure again until I decide to do something else and fail once again. I don't deserve anything I have or anyone that is friends with me. I don't understand what other people see in me I wish even for a mpment I could see myself through their eyes because my own only hat and loath me. I have tried so many times to change how I see myself how I think about myself but it all cokes back to the same place, self hate, hopelessness, and despair. Sorry for this wall of text I know this doesn't help anyone and im questioning if its even wirth saying anything. I really just don't know what to do.",Depression +47214,"My friend needs help Hey, I need help with my friend over here. He's finally got a psychiatrist that he needs, and is currently scared of getting anti depressants. I've googled the pros and cons of them, what are your expirences and how can I help him tell his psychiatrist no?",Depression +47215,"All my therapist have added to my trauma I feel like there's no hope for me b/c all my therapist have been quite shitty at times. My very first ""official"" one made me fall in love with her, she'd grab my hand tell me I was special, she'd say I was the best client. She would drive me home at night & leave me in the corner, then she would buy my siblings toys (who she knew were my whole world/ reason of living). She'd buy me sweaters b/c again she knew I was sh & always wore one, so she bought me a couple expensive ones & would ask I wear them when I saw her. Then she ghosted me!! After Christmas break she never came back. The 2nd one I saw after 2 years, she would tell me my mom didn't love me & I have sh<t self esteem so when I was groped in the bus she said ""well on the brightside you can't be that unattractive, he must have found you attractive enough to do that"". Horrible sh<t she'd say! Then the 3rd one, told me that my ed can't be that bad b/c I ""looked fine"". Finally my current one, basically encourages my self harm! She said she'd get me wipes to do my ""aftercare"". When I told her I was pressured into smoking cigarettes she said ""honestly you have worst shit to worry about than smoking cigarettes"".. I'm so f<cking tired!! I'm trying to get better!! People always say ""oh if u don't ask for help, how can you ever get better"" well I AM!!! I DID!! But why have I been treated this way! I'm so tired of reaching out & no one helping & just making it worse! I'm so tired... my mind can't afford to reach out to anothertherapist! Please I just want someone to care, to help me.",Depression +47216,"i think whats depressing is,,,(working out the bugs) to find a job i need a car, i need a job to put gas in it, i need a job for insurance, i dont have a job, i have a car i could lose and walk to work, somewhere close, but no, a car is required, reliable transportation. then theres home, i need a job for a home, my family uses narcotics, i dont want to live with them, nor be thrown out again, soo, i still cant find a job that will let me work in peace, i dont have any career, anything is fine, as long as i dont have to be happy, i cant fake it.",Depression +47217,"Heaven We'll all go to heaven if there really is, because this life and world is already hell.",Depression +47218,"Advice on treatment options? I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. I had a suicide attempt in high school, had to be committed to a psychiatric hospital for a couple weeks (which was highly traumatic)and was on I believe Zoloft for a few months until I moved to self medicating with alcohol and realized that the 2 don’t mix well. I’ve seen multiple therapists, but I have a very hard time being honest and open and I’ve had therapists outright drop me as a client because I wasn’t making progress. Also when I was drinking heavily it was hard to make appointments so I stopped going. + +I’ve come a very long way from this. I very rarely drink now, but I never went back to therapy or medication. I cope by staying extremely busy but I struggle on the weekends when I have less to occupy myself with. I feel like I need something to help. I’m unsure about meds because even before I could never find a dosage that helped and I don’t know if I want to start that process over again. And I also now have a masters in psychology and i have enough insight into myself to be able to understand my behavior. So I don’t think a therapist can do anything for me that I can’t do for myself, and I doubt that I can be completely open. + +Idk what I’m looking for, I guess just advice if I should try to get treatment, if it would be worth it.",Depression +47219,I failed I'm going to kill myself soon I just failed the test to get my GED and my family thought I was going to pass it but I didn't I feel like disappointment and I disappointed them they had confidence in me they say I'm smart and I'm a genius but in reality I'm not I'm dumb and stupid and I let them down I feel so worthless and pathetic so now I'm going to drink bleach or any other chemical I can find in my house so I can get so sick that I die I can't do this anymore I don't want to disappoint or let anyone else down,Depression +47220,"Sometimes I find comfort in my depression It has been this way for so long, I can't imagine myself without feeling this way. It started off as crying myself to sleep because I didn't feel at home and safe no matter what I did. Everything was out of place, my existence was wrong. Around 4 years after that, which is now, I started antidepressants. Idk if they really don't work and my body is fighting against them, or if I put myself in the “they don't work” mindset to the point they actually don't. But the first few weeks I was horrified of actually getting better. Now that the meds stopped working, I'm not panicking anymore. Starting treatment was my dream for so long, now I hate the idea of it. I find comfort in my sorrows. I got too deep into being helpless and accepted that I couldn't get out, so I decided to make it a safe space for myself. I don't know if I want to be better. I never thought healing would be harder than my depression. I have no idea if I'm weird or stupid, or maybe both. I feel helpless.",Depression +47221,"Does your family realise what is going on? I feel like no one even notices anything, for example some days I can’t get out of bed the whole day and no one even questions me about it. Is this normal? The only moments my family mention my disfunctional behaviour is when they’re joking about it. Im baffled honestly.",Depression +47222,"How do I stop this feeling to give up on life and how it's not worth it? + + + +I'm feeling very demotivated depressed hopeless sad and not having the will to live anymore + I just can't get this feeling out of my head no matter how hard I try from a couple of months ago +This feeling has been growing much stronger since a last week. +I am not exaggerating but nothing feels real anymore , I am just doing things to cope with this but that is not even working. +I don't feel like doing anything. +Can't even focus on studies or anything. + + +I have my personal problems which are ruining my health, stress has probably become an underlying health condition in my body which I don't know because I stress a lot.",Depression +47223,"Not for this life Im so sad all the time, i have barley and friends and no love interest. Im out of shape and sad. Im not meant for this generation or this age of humanity. I wanna go back but im stuck here. I feel like a glass bottle filled with stones and the cap is glued on shut. I wanna end it all but i cant im to big of a pussy to do so",Depression +47224,"I’m scared because I’m not scared I would always have thoughts but would be too scared to go through with anything, but now I’m not scared. I could know I was going to die tomorrow, and I wouldn’t care. I’m scared because I don’t know if when I have another breakdown I’m gonna do something in the moment that I can’t take back.",Depression +47225,"29M. Moved out for the first time in August to work at a ski resort for a year. I feel so lonely and have no real friends here. (not saying people here are fake but I’ve become more of a hermit). Want to move back home and pursue schooling/certification (medical billing and coding). Feeling insanely depressed here. + +So I made the move out here last year 2 months before turning 29. + +At first I enjoyed it. I’m able to buy weed whenever I want, I get a better pay than I did back home, and I don’t feel like a child living at home. And the weather was pretty nice. + +But over time, it started wearing on me. I miss my nieces and every time we’ve factimed they look so much older. I feel sad that I’m not there. I miss my family and our family dog. Also I ran out of my ADHD/anxiety/depression medications and haven’t tried finding a new psychiatrist/therapist because I don’t want to deal with the hassle of searching around. + +I feel like I haven’t really connected to anyone here. I thought going out and snowboarding here at the resort almost everyday, that someone would recognize me and I’d make friends (which is what happened back home), but it hasn’t happened. I have no dating life at all. I get 3 or 4 days off a week and spend them alone. Sometimes I’ll game with my high school friends online, which is the only thing I really look forward to, but this fucks my sleep schedule even more. + +I work overnights and barely get any social interaction anymore. I try sleeping during the day but it’s difficult because my neighbors like to play their music super fucking loud. Why don’t they just wear headphones? + +My sleep schedule is shit. I hate going to run errands because I have to walk 15 minutes to my car. + +I snowboard for like 2 hours and then feel like going home because I get overwhelmed by the lengthy lines. + +Once the season ends, they’ll switch me back to evenings as opposed to overnights, but then I’ll have to get a roommate. Having a roommate in these tiny ass dorms is horrible and I don’t like it. No privacy at all. + +When I go back home, I want to start regularly going to therapy again, but am thinking “how can I do that if I don’t have a job”. How do I ensure I have a job when I get back home? I don’t live there right now so how the hell do I get interviews????",Depression +47226,"A close friend of mine took 280 mg of Dexedrine this past Monday as a suicide attempt, but for some reason he hasn’t told anyone besides me, and he never went to the hospital. What kind of danger could he still be in? I want to convince him to get help for it, but he thinks so much time has gone by. Ditto.",Depression +47227,"anger I heard from my therapist that anger and depression often go hand in hand, but I feel like it's kinda going off the rails for me. +does anyone have more experience with this?",Depression +47228,"I’m a depressed mother who is debating on leaving her family. To make this short and to the point. I’ve had depression/anxiety my whole life. It’s nothing new other than with age it seems to just get worse. I’ve been through the system for help and here I am again. +I have a 15 month old who would be better off without her depressed mother around. My whole family is effected by my moods. It’s not fair to anyone and I definitely don’t want to be the reason everyone is walking on eggshells. I grew up like that and it’s not fun and look at me…I have problems. +I believe it’s better for me to disappear than subject my family to this terrible illness. I’ve read how having a depressed mother can effect a child. I also know first thing. I stress my husband out like no other. It can all be solved if I just leave. My husband asks where to? I don’t know, I have no one so probably the streets. Obviously he’s not ok with it but again better than subjecting everyone to this bs. It seems like a fair trade for a better life for them and I’m put out of my misery. It’s already hard enough to live with this crap to add more guilt and shame it just doesn’t make sense.",Depression +47229,"Grief making me feel bad everytime i look at people with their parents I just stood there,staring.sometime it can even felt like days,weeks,or even years pass by when truth is just a couple of minutes.i feel despair everytime i look at my miserable existant + +Everytime happy memories come.it will be season with hours of nightmares and bad memories.i know am not a good son to begin with. + +Being born as gay,not being as smart as other people.and quite honestly not really good at making friends.even me disappointed in myself.",Depression +47230,"Are we Supportive or destructive Throwaway because the people in this post have reddit accounts. I (28F) am married to a wonderful man (32M) let’s call him Mark. We have been married for 7 years now and I grew very close to his family as they live in the same city as us while my family is in another country. + +His brother Maison (30M) and I grew very close and we have a great friendship, laughing together, talking about life, etc… as time went by I started noticing that i was being supportive and there for him and the opposite isnt true. + +Now for a little backstory, Maison went through a very tough phase in his life and got depressed and suicidal, he went to therapy and started getting back on his feet again but he was never the same. This happened 3 years ago and after that experience he became very self-centered, inconsiderate yet very sensitive and also does not accept any type of criticism. He literally turned to a manchild. Only wants to game all day, doesnt help the people around him, is very dependent even in the smallest things. Mark is always walking on eggshells around him for this reason because he is scared that he would say / do anything that will cause Maison to relapse into depression. + +I on the other hand am a little tougher on Maison. I sometimes feel like his family not saying anything when he is rude or acting like a child because they are afraid to hurt his feelings are turning him into a very immature and irresponsible man who is never held accountable. + +He moved in to live with us temporarily to save some rent money till he gets his life together. He adopted a dog, and let her go because he didnt train her properly and she became aggressive with separation anxiety. Then he adopted another dog and the same thing happened again and he let him go. He wants so many things in his life but wouldnt want to put the hard work or the responsibility. + +My question is, should we go easy on him because of his mental health? Or is going easy on him will make his life harder later because he will get used to life without any responsibility or accountability?",Depression +47231,"Help. I made all the wrong decisions. I have no one to blame but myself. + +Now I'm alone. + +I just want a hug. What does that feel like such a selfish request? + +Is there anyone out there that needs someone to talk to? I'd like to that person because helping you might be what saves me.",Depression +47232,"Text helpline is useless I tried using the (US based) s***ide text hotline tonight. After replying ""YES"" to accept terms and conditions and be connected to a counselor a good dozen times, I gave up. Had to block the number to stop getting notifications asking me if I accepted the terms and conditions and wanted to be connected to a counselor. Go America. + +I guess I just want to go on record that I am begging for fucking help, just for someone to fucking care, I tried at least a dozen times over to engage with the AI interface to get an actual human being.... fucking shit. Fuck everything.",Depression +47233,"Here comes the low... Was in a good mood today and I feel it dissipating, I’m terrified of going back down into that pit. There’s no hope down there, only agony and self hatred. + +Why can’t I escape this? Why does my past always drive me to feeling suicidal?",Depression +47234,Sleep Any suggestion to sleep easily? I cant sleep until morning. Just lying in bed and wishing dead..,Depression +47235,"I can’t think of another reason why i am the way that i am, can you guys share your experiences I’m on medication and i do all the things people recommend, i got a bike for university so that i’d stop being sedentary, i try to keep my room clean and i even force myself to go out with friends and socialize. + +But i realized i don’t enjoy socialization, they say humans thrive on socialization, but I don’t feel that I do. + +People feels like a chore for some reason I never really miss my friends or miss going out with them. +Every time they ask me to go out I make up an excuse and humor them and on the rare occasion i did go with them I would go home early. They will try to prolong the outing as much as possible. Maybe have a couple of drinks and play video games late into the night but I genuinely can’t find it in me to wanna be around them and it isn’t about them as people they’re actually very sweet and accepting wonderful people. + +They are kind hearted and patient and one of them even cooks for us sometimes it isn’t about them. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I just can never seem to enjoy being around people it’s supposed to be healing to be a part of a community to feel like you belong, to go out with friends and to get out of the slump you are in. + +A lot of people tell me it’s not good to lay in bed all day or to be in inside your apartment, watching YouTube and movies and playing video games alone but I genuinely feel that I don’t have the same functions that other humans do I don’t have the thing that makes me want to be around others. It just isn’t an emotionally fulfilling experience. + +I don’t feel the need to be around other people and whenever I do go out with people, I look forward to just going home and relaxing and finally breathing and doing whatever i want. +I’m not sure why maybe it’s a personality clash? Maybe I just haven’t found my “people“ or someone that really understands me to the point where I would find their company enjoyable? I’m not sure all I know is I’ve never really had a friend that I wanted to spend that much time with if it were up to me, I would go weeks maybe even months without ever hanging out with friends even though I know it might be better for me mentally if I’m around people and put myself out there and meet new people as well but I genuinely do not crave human presence in my life and the happiest or at least the most content I’ve ever been is when I’m alone reading comics and drinking coffee in my bed. + +It isn’t like I don’t want to have friends I really do, when I have friends I just don’t really see their presence or company as a priority or a need in my life other than a conversation every now and then I never really seem to want to spend my free time on them. + +I’ve been like this my while life even during middle school. + +Anyone else? You guys think it’s depression or just extreme introversion lmao",Depression +47236,"Potentially failing my paper, because my head is empty and heavy. Procrastinating on accident. I have all the info. I just need to write it down. But just now, everything in my head is on ""I don't know what I'm doing"" mode. And thanks to depression, I have no spark to write. Curse me.",Depression +47237,How long until you see a difference in mood and anxiety with St. John’s wort?? How long until you see a difference in mood and anxiety with St. John’s wort??,Depression +47238,"Are my anti-depressants not working? I’ve (22F) have been on anti-depressants since I was 14, but I’ve never felt 100% better. I switched from Zoloft to Celexa about 2 years ago, and I’m currently taking the max dose of Celexa, but I still get pretty bad bouts of depression and anxiety at least a couple of times per week. I’m in therapy so I know of a variety of coping measures that I can take, such as exercise, journaling, spending time with friends/family, and breathing techniques, but none of those things seem to work. I don’t have any major problems or stressors in my life either, I’m just depressed for no reason 2-5 days per week. + +Does this mean that my anti-depressants aren’t working, or do I just kinda need to suck it up? I’m scared to try new anti-depressants bc of the withdrawals and potential worsening of my depression, so I’m not sure what the best thing for me is to do.",Depression +47239,"I feel things getting bad again For context 2022 was the YEAR of my life. I lived abroad and had a blast. My anxiety was still there but at a minimal. I never felt so happy. So happy at times I felt like I was going to burst. It was insane. +February of this year I came back home. Home isn't a good place for my mind. My parents are awful and I always feel like I'm dorwning when I'm home. I've been home since February and I feel things going dark again. I'm sleeping way too much. Have no energy or desire to do anything and the awful thoughts of mot living are coming back. +I'm in between places right now. Kicking off a new career, that's why I came home. But things are going slow and I cant move away right now. +I feel like I was on the bery top of life and now I'm in rock bottom again. I'm lost and confused and my mind keeps things how easy it would all be if I just want living anymore. +I dont want to have these thoughts or feel this way.",Depression +47240,"Feeling unworthy of love All of my relationships have failed. I’m 35 and divorced, just got dumped by a woman I loved, and can’t even make it work with guys. Everyone I’ve ever dated has ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Feeling like I’m destined to be alone forever.",Depression +47241,Stuck in a loop TW ED MENTION I feel trapped and stuck. Whenever I get super depressed I tend to eat a lot and because of my eating disorder it just ends up making me feel like more shit which causes me to binge and ect ect. I don't know how to stop,Depression +47242,I feel numb and I hate it I just can't feel honestly I feel hollow and I just can't seem to be happy. I dont like this feeling it feels like a black hole just sucking everything out of me if that makes sense. I dont know what to do. I'd prefer being constantly sad than this. I hate this feeling.,Depression +47243,"i’m scared that i’ll get depressed again in summer i’ve had depression for five years now. and i’ll just say that last summer was the worst. a lot of shitty things happened but long story short, i moved to a new city (a new country actually, so no family too) for college all by myself and was alone for a solid two months. my depression really hit rock bottom. i was so unstable and just… unwell. the only thing i looked forward to was talking to my therapist, who btw ended up being incredibly irresponsible. + +i’m now surrounded by lovely people but they’re all leaving the city for summer break. i can’t stop worrying that i’ll become depressed again. my plan for now is to take summer courses and pick up a campus job (e.g. working at the library). perhaps i’ll pick up a casual part-time job as well. i just want to make sure that i keep myself busy. last summer was tough cause i didn’t have the means to meet people and interact, and i’m hoping this time it’ll be different if i put myself out there. honestly though, i just can’t help but worry a lot. depression is my worst enemy and it lives inside me. at this point, i can’t let it fucking win again. + +i think of warm sunlight but instead of warmth i feel this intense sorrow. i want this to change. i want this summer to be a good time.",Depression +47244,"Mental health help??? I am finally looking to start getting help for my mental health. It has been a very long time coming and I just can't do it anymore. I believe I have several diagnoses, including ADHD, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and OCD. I am very very overwhelmed by the idea of sharing all of my inner thoughts with another person, even someone who is helping me, and all the uncertainty of what exactly to expect is making me feel a bit hesitant to get started. A friend recommended I begin with my regular primary care doctor, but I am unsure of this. Are PCPs able to diagnose all of these issues, some, or none? At what point would my primary care doctor likely just send me to a psychiatrist rather than diagnosing me herself? Just looking for some help/answers about what to expect at an appointment with my primary care doctor so I feel a little less overwhelmed :)",Depression +47245,Family How so most of you deal with your families? As the oldest there’s so much responsibility just thrown on me and it sucks. Our dad bailed on us when we were younger so it’s just my mom. For as long as I could remember my life has been nothing but stressful. I’m 22 currently with the youngest siblings I live with being 19. Im the only one with a job and it’s been driving me into an even further hole. My sister has been such a bitch to me lately and I don’t know why. I barely interact with them cause they just always give me suicidal/murderous thoughts. They always have my blood pressure going through the roof and giving me constant headaches. I try to tell my mom about it but she’s under a stern belief that black people cant be depressed and suicidal. It’s only for “white” people as she claims. I can’t afford therapy atm and I just want to leave but I can’t. Any suggestions on what I should do?,Depression +47246,"Depression? I’m 23 years old, and used to be happy and had motivation and wanted to work and do things. Last couple of years, I’ve had no motivation, it’s hard to work, I feel lazy, I feel slow, I can barley talk to people without sounding stupid and it’s hard for me to listen and remember what people are saying to me. Basically I just always feel tired and slow and no motivation. I know I’m a smart person, but I feel dumb at the Same time, like it’s hard for me to learn things, but once I do learn it, I’m really good at it. I also feel like I have issues learning, because I overthink things and think I will fuck up somehow and think about how there is no way I can do this. I was off work for a long time due to COVID, fucked up sleep schedule, etc. and then I got laser eye surgery, I got almost every complication from it (made me really depressed), and then I lost my job for not getting fired (also made me really depressed cause I’ve been there for 8 years). Now I just feel like shit and don’t know if it’s actually depression and a problem. Lasik and COVID really fucked me.",Depression +47247,"Tired of the endless, pointless grind. Tired of being sad and lonely. Tired of this world. Wake up and everyday is the same. This morning I realize it’s been three days since I’ve talked to anyone, no calls or texts. No friends, no girlfriend. I live at home with my parents, at an age where I should’ve been moved out by now. Tired of lies and promises that meant nothing, tired of a life that means nothing. All these years of youth wasted doing nothing. Tired of how competitive everything is, because I’m tired of fighting. Left behind by people who said they would always be there, until it wasn’t convenient anymore. Broke, ugly, tired and burnt out on this life. Maybe it could be worse, but that just makes me hate life more. Everyone acts like you have an obligation to this life. You’re obligated to get a job, make money, make a life for yourself. But I never asked for this life in the first place. I wish I could go back now, to that moment I was about to be born and press a button to cancel my life before it started. Even my high points can’t cancel out all the negative, and I’m tired of looking for an end that’s nowhere in sight.",Depression +47248,"How long does it take to know if an antidepressant is going to work or I need to try a different one? I’ve tried 4 now where they made it worse/the side effects where unbearable, but now I’ve been on sertraline and the side effects are tolerable but hasn’t helped with my anxiety or depression. + +It’s been 4 weeks and today the nurse practitioner gave me the choice to try something else or increase the dose. I asked her what I should do but she said it was up to me. I didn’t know what I should do so I just said increase the dose because the pills are cheap and I have to pay full price for everything until I hit my deductible. I don’t know if a month is too short to know or if should be seeing a little improvement by now. + +I’m starting to think I should have chose a different medicine but I don’t know maybe I am jumping the gun here and I should just stick it out. This medicine makes me really tired",Depression +47249,"Seroquel gives me bad trips? I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety I take 400mg seroquel for sleep and have a weird side effect , when I take it makes me have those sudden life realisations about my self *really bad thoughts” + +Exactly like a bad weed trip and that’s why I stopped smoking weed . + +It’s weird since I’ve tried all drugs from benzos and opium to ssris and snri and it’s the only drug that makes me feel this way + +Why I am feeling this way? I searched a lot and couldn’t find people with the same problem",Depression +47250,Reached the finish line I think this is it for me my birthday is next week and I don’t see that I make it to then. I find it sad I’ll never get to live my life to the fullest and am gonna miss out on a lot. But I kinda find it peaceful that all the bad thoughts are going to stop. Sorry everyone,Depression +47251,"Moved away to be married, why can't I be happy? I'm supposed to be happy Trigger warnings btw + +Hi, idk if this is in the right place but I just need to get stuff out. +I (24f) should be so happy an excited, I'm getting married next week. I love my Fiance, and I want to marry him. +But I've had to move hundreds of miles away from my mum and my friends. +I have BPD and probably autism, but NHS won't help me get diagnosis for either. + +I haven't been working and been living with my parents becase of depression. Now because me and husband can barely afford a basic place to live I will have to work. And I want to. I want to be so capable and successful and hard working but I just want to kms anytime I think of getting up and going out. + +I've only been living in my new town a week, and everytime i remember im not going home i feel so depressed. + +All my Fiance can say is he's sorry. But that doesn't fix anything or help me or comfort me at all, and my BPD shuts any suggestions he has down because substitues wont help. I don't know anyone here, and everyone in my community is old. And whilst yes old people can make lovely friends, It's not the same. + +I can't drive, afford to drive or have the mental stability to drive so I feel so lonely and depressed. + +And I feel so awful for my fiance when I'm literally saying I'm depressed and I don't want to be here. + +I just want to be hit by a car or something, every day my brain says stuff like that and I'm so tired of holding it together. + +I don't want to be here. And yet as always I'll carry on. I'll just ""cope"". I won't kms. But it hurts all the same.",Depression +47252,"im so exhausted of everyone in my life everyone is frustrating . i always have to be the one doing the move and socialize first . if i dont i just + stay the way im . the only person that i talk to , i always have the feeling like im annoying them , they r only nice bcz they feel bad fr me fr being aloner .",Depression +47253,"Can you hold on? There's that pain deep in you that cuts through you, but are you strong enough to tie the knot and hold on to a hope that it's gonna get better?",Depression +47254,"I have finally been able to see my anxiety and I'm heartbroken For as long as I can remember, I have always suffered from anxiety. Perhaps it runs in my family. Yet I was never able to name it or put a label on it. During COVID, it took a toll on me and the biggest hit was taken by my marriage. For past half year, so much has happened in my life that I feel like I am living someone else's life. The only good thing that has come out of it, is my ability to finally see my anxiety building up and how I channel it. I am so heartbroken to see that I mostly took my anxiety and put it in my marriage. + +Anxiety builds up in me for various reasons. Sometimes, it is related to work, sometimes things not going my way, or sometimes pretty mundane things. It slowly creeps in me and my mood is spoiled. Previously I was never able to tell that anxiety had built up in me. I would only become aware of it when I blew the lid on something. During COVID, the unfortunate victim became my spouse. I also blew up my relationship with my boss during that time. So once I spoiled the mood around me, or picked up a fight, I would see that things are fucked up. I always blamed the spouse, work or boss for the fight or issues, yet the culprit was mostly my anxiety that slowly built up and got channeled where I had hidden resentments. + +It is only during past week that I have finally been able to see the pattern and it is startling. I feel so ashamed and resentful. The sad truth is that I don't see any quick remedy for this either. You see, there will always be some dormant resentments inside me. There are issues between me and my spouse, that we cannot agree on. There will always be resentment which I have how I get treated at work or how I handle more work than the others etc. And whenever anxiety builds up, it needs a channel for relief. I'm afraid my mind will always pick these targets over and over. + +I have come to this community to ask for your advice, that what I feel is also how you have felt at some time? I want to take this anxiety and channel it for something constructive. I can't change my spouse, I can't get that promotion. But I can always put effort to find a new job, always choose kindness for my spouse instead of turning things to arguments. How does one make this change? How not being able to channel this energy constructively not become an anxiety in itself too? I need some encouragement and guidance. Thanks",Depression +47255,"Wasting away First time Poster so I apologize in advance for any formating issues. +I just came to realize how numb I feel today. For some contest I (24F) have been struggling mentally pretty much since childhood.I've had low self-confidence,anxiety and have been pretty depressed for as long as I can remember. Life has always kinda sucked and any good times usually don't last more than a couple of days so I guess all the hurt and disappointment has been building up and now I'm almost completely numb aside from the random anxiety attacks at 3am. +I've been aware of this for a while, but the sheer extent of how tired I am and how I don't care about anything anymore hit me today when I found out that all the neglect towards my studies has caught up to me and will most likely result in me either barely passing uni or not even being able to graduate meaning I will have no degree and just wasted a bunch of time for nothing. The tought of that used to scare me, but now I just don't care that much . I am so lost on how to improve but at the same time I don't have the desire to do anything about it. All I wanna do is sleep and not wake up I wish time would just stop. I don't know why I'm writing this for some advice maybe ?or just venting to strangers online is alot easier and cheaper than therapy.",Depression +47256,I will never be grateful for a life I don't want to live. That's it,Depression +47257,"People with depression are strong as fuck. Seriously, every single one of us are fucking warriors. + +From the monumental effort it takes to drag ourselves into consciousness when we just want to sleep forever to showing up at work & pretending you haven’t spent the morning crying or thinking of hurting yourself or wanting to just check out permanently or all of the above. + +I know it’s horrible that we do have to deal with it, but taking a second to recognize how monumentally tough we are is important I think as we always get stuck on the things we hate about ourselves. +It is one positive thing that every person reading this who is battling depression, the absolute Herculean strength we have is absolutely incredible. + +If you’re reading this, you are incredible, the strength you show every single day is something that most people can’t even fathom. + +I had a bad day today & wanted to try & shed some positivity on it & share that with anyone else struggling right now. + +You are brilliant.",Depression +47258,"nobody can change my mind anymore. i’ll do it soon, just soon. just you fucking wait. i’m sick of living, nobody can change my mind anymore yeah",Depression +47259,"❤️ This group makes me realize that we all suffer the human condition… Never feel alone, millions of people are going through the exact same thoughts as you. PLEASE do not feel like the odd one out. My moms dad and brother committed suicide… they missed out on kids, grandkids, weddings, holidays, family vacations, belly laughs, ect. Pain in life is guaranteed, but so are good moments. Everything, and I mean everything gets better in time, one day you will look back and the things that matter to you now won’t even cross your mind. You can and WILL get out of this dark hole. Be patient with yourself, forgive yourself. You can heal and your life can be better than what it is now ❤️ I know it does not seem like it, and I know you will roll your eyes, flip over in bed and indulge in your depression, but day by day it will lift. Get fresh air, feel the sunshine, sit by the beach or in nature. Talk to a loved one or friend. Write in a journal. Eat something you like and take a nice hot shower and put on your favorite show. Keep going",Depression +47260,"does it ever get better? i (23F) have been struggling with my mental health since i was 13. + +i started taking sertraline for anxiety about two years ago, which helps some but not for the panic attacks. + +ive started mirtazapine for sleeping which helps. + +but the depression is something that hasnt gone away. most days, its manageable. im good for a couple weeks, i do my schoolwork, i clean, im motivated to do everything and anything, i feel amazing. then for a couple weeks its bad again, i struggle to get up and go to school, my rooms a disaster, i shut down and it just seems like ill always be in this cycle.",Depression +47261,"I need help. TW: self harm + +Lately I've been feeling really upset. Things have been bad since I was little but I'm considering giving up. I'm only 15 and I've been cutting myself since I was 12. I feel like nothing I do is good enough and I thought I could do everything alone but I can't. Everything is piling up and I just feel so alone. I don't think I can keep doing this. Everything is just going to shit for me. +People keep taking advantage of my care and kindness, everyone keeps leaving me, I miss my mother even though she was a drinker, I'm so tired. Mentally and physically. I don't know what to do. I can't fix myself. But I'm trying so hard to.",Depression +47262,"I deserve to suffer. I feel like I was meant to feel miserable. I try to put myself out there but instead I get treated like shit. Nobody care about me as a person. I get used and eventually discarded like trash. I don’t even classify myself as a human nor do I classify myself as a live creature. I just exist. I’m just a walking and talking object. I’m nearing my wits end, nothing seems to get any better, nor do think it ever will. I feel like the only way to improve, is to take my own life.",Depression +47263,"When does it all stop When do the tears stop. When does this empty feeling stop. When does the erge to selfharm stop. When does the pain stop. +Im tired of crying myself to sleep and having no one to talk to about this. They see me happy one day and the following they try list all my triggers. + +I feel like the only reason i havnt killed myself is because of my sister. Shes the only one that understands why i take the pills. Shes the only one who asks how im going on a specific day. But again she is a child so i know i cannot burden her with these thoughts. And she cannot become the people i need her to be and her words are starting to sound like whispers compared to the screaming pain. + +Everytime they bring up the pills it makes me feel even more useless than i already feel. Everytime I have to remind someone how to love me i somehoe loose the love i have for myself. I see you trying but its just not enough. When does the pain of it all end. Will i ever be happy in this life? Or should i just give up whiles its still early?",Depression +47264,"is it possible that on some days you feel way more tired then the other day even if you feel like your sleep was the same as those other days? one of the main symptoms of clinical depression is feeling tired, but is it possible that on some days you feel way more tired then the other day even if you feel like your sleep was the same as those other days?",Depression +47265,"i find it hard to cry and am so overwhelmed I was depressed for many months and took help from therapist,so I was prescribed with depressents.I actually improved a lot I have some peace of mind now, but I am not able to cry even if I want to remove the negative emotion.Hardly I just cry 2 drops not more than that hence I try watching sad movies which makes me cry.Idk wht to do.",Depression +47266,Feeling depressed and sad.. currently in the military stationed overseas…. it’s the weekend and i don’t have much planned except HW. i think staying in the barracks is what makes me even more depressed but today just feels super ehhh…. i’m in a LDR and i won’t be home for another 80 days with seems so far away. i just miss my family and friends and wish i could be home with everyone i know and love.,Depression +47267,"I'm suicidal How to deal with depression? I am an engineering student and we are a poor family. We are not financially stable. And I am failing my class. I always do my best and still fail. I don't have a healthy relationship with my family. I feel like my parents doesn't love/want me to he their child. Everyone keeps on leaving me. I don't have anyone to vent out. I don't have friends in school since I am an irregular student. The girl I love just ghosted me today. I don't have anybody right now. These past few days has been rough (all my life has been rough) and coz of that I've been always thinking of ending my life. All I have is myself. And I want to end my suffering. I've been dealing with this with all my life. I just celebrated my birthday last friday and it's the first time I celebrated my bday since I'm thinking that it's my last and I just wanna have fun, but during my bday, I lost my friends and I lost my girl. So yea, I just want to end my life right now. I don't know how to cope with this :>",Depression +47268,"My partner just came home so angry he immediately left to work out. I feel so bad. I feel this is my fault Needing a rant, and maybe support from people who have been through similar + +I guess this is a rant? Or maybe just asking if people have been in similar situations. + +Edit to add, I'm in Scotland. + +So I've been off work for a year now with severe MH, had 2 S attempts and multiple SH requiring hospitalisation last year. + +I'm on duloxetine 120mg for severe depression, underactive thyroid which I take lebothyroxine for,I have narcolepsy and take 200mg modafinil for that, and I have a blood disorder (cancer?) Currently undergoing tests. All these things major symptom is chronic exhaustion but I also have chronic pain (R knee operated on 2020 and currently waiting on L knee op), we're querying fibromyalgia. + +I applied for ADP in November last year, and submitted my part 2 in December. +I submitted as part of my supporting evidence a short patient summary from my GP, my medication list (Inc up to date prescription repeats forms), letters from my therapist, letters from the police (involvement after S and severe SH), letters from my mental health team, letters from psych, and a letter from my GP detailing all above and support. + +I've heard nothing from ADP so today went to online chat and was told it's been picked up by a case manager (yay) , but that they've requested more SI from my GP. + +What?!?!? + +What else could they need? And if they've requested that from GP it'll take months before I hear. It took my GP 5 months just to write the support letter they did write. + +So now I'm in an anxiety spiral because if they're gonna deny my claim I wish they would just fucking tell me instead of making me wait 6+months. All the while I can't afford my mortgage and I'm getting deeper and deeper in debt. + + +Urgh. Rant over.",Depression +47269,"Canceled once Again +My therapy got canceled and I really need it. I got things I want to say and I want to work through this crap I'm going through, but my appointments keep getting pushed and pushed and I'm irritated and I'm angry and I'm furious that I'm in this alone. I want to work through my issues but I can't because i can't talk to anyone and I have to wait 2 weeks for my first damn appointment and it sucks cuz I have school and It’s stressing me out. I feel the universe is against me. I hate being told by the universe that this is for my own good and that I must go through this In order to be a better person. it feels like a power over me. Like I'm being controlled by someone. I hate someone controlling me and telling me it's for my own good, it's degrading and I hate it and I hate it and hate it and my mind is manipulating me to feel like I need to be kind. My mind is against me and I have to push through even when its against me. I feel like the victim I hate being the victim I can feel sad in peace because I have a mind that sabtoges me. I wish I could just be unaware and feel my feelings without having to play devils advocate with myself thus nullifying or undermining my feelings. My mom is being a bitch she litrally doesn't understand that her words hurt but she laughs like it's funny and she makes me want to hit her because fuck that shit hurts and I want to hurt you the way you are fucking hurting me. I need help they say reach out for help but help has a schedule and she need you to wait till she's is available. Why do I have to follow these rules i hate these damn rules.",Depression +47270,"Just another unhappy life? I‘m so unhappy. I dislike myself and my life so fundamentally, I don’t know how to fix it. I think I’m nothing much of anything and there doesn’t seem to be potential for growth. I’ve been wasting away to be honest. I don’t care about life, and the truly shitty thing seems to be, that nobody seems to be worth fighting to keep being. I’ve played along but it’s getting harder each day. My own dishonesty about how deep this runs has just been coming up a lot lately. I’m just always looking at the clock for time to pass, for oblivion to enter. I cannot stand existing, maybe that’s called depression, with other issues included, that just don’t seem worth solving at this point. So I’m just wondering, how is your life? How are you fairing and dealing with this? Do you have family that motivates you? Friends? Do you find ways to love life or make it work or worth it somehow? Are you ever angry?",Depression +47271,"I want to give up Can't stop being toxic + +I know I don't want to be but I can't change",Depression +47272,"No motivation As the title says , i have lost motivation to do anything in life. +I can write thousands of word but i will try to keep it short. + +I used to have keen interest in music and astronomy.. i loved watching movies and tv shows too. + +But since last 4-5 months , it's like nothing excites me anymore. I can't enjoy anything now. +I feel bored with myself, whenever i am talking with someone they get bored of me ( which is obvious because i never have anything to talk about). + +Everything feels so bland. +And even when i think about how i can inculcate some new hobbies in me.. it doesn't really help me feel any better. + +It feels like.. there is nothing left in this world that can satisfy me or give me purpose atleast.",Depression +47273,"How to explain the cause of my depression to a therapist? I have been depressed for 3-4 years because I am unattractive to women. It's not their fault that they don't find me attractive, the problem is me because I am not cool enough for them. + +I get very anxious when talking to girls because I always feel that something bad is gonna happen. That repells them and even if they found me attractive they end up telling me that they are not interested. + + +How do I explain this to a therapist and how is he/she gonna help me? I feel like this problem is impossible to fix because you can't make a person (me) attractive.",Depression +47274,"Second day of over dosing lorazepam, hoping it will end this reality as i sleep I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, yesterday i took 7 mg and today 10",Depression +47275,"Why am I so happy now? Last week I was planning on ending it all being serious. + +But I woke up today and just felt happy, I’ve been smiling all day for no reason it’s like depression but in reverse + +Keep in mind nothing changed same ole same ole + +Is there any reason for this? + +Thanks",Depression +47276,"How can i best support my friend? ((throwaway because a common friend follows my main account)) + +Some brief background info: +I have autism so I may not always understand all social cues. Neither my friend nor I live in the US. + +I have a friend going through a hard time right now. He has depression and recently has been experiencing all sorts of physcial issues. He's had depression before I even met him and have never seen him this low. He also has money problems and thus can't afford treatment for his physical issues atm. + +What's the best way to support him? +I cannot support him financially since i also have almost no money. + Whenever i talk to him he gives short and/or snappy answers and is generally in a bad mood. Whenever I talk about positive things, it feels preachy or that I'm ""rubbing happiness in his face"". Whenever i try to talk about neutral things (basically small talk) the conversation dies off. So he's understandably a bit difficult to talk to as of late. + +I admit, it's difficult and hurtful at times but I just want to know what would be the best way to provide my support. + + Any and all clarifying questions are welcome, I just want to provide the best support I can.",Depression +47277,"I wish I hadn't been born,, help I mean, it's as simple as that. +I'm tired of living like this. Tired of living in general, and everything it involves — interpersonal relationships, people, politics, economy, thinking, expectatives. All that crap makes me feel like shit and I wish I could turn it all off. + +However I don't want to die. That would hurt the people around me. That would hurt my mom. And my little sister. And, unlike other situations, I wouldn't be here to (at least try to) fix it. They'd be left with the same nothingness that I feel, but worse cuz ofc death of a loved one is worse than just my own personal regrets. + +So I just wish I hadn't been born. That my mom had had a miscarriage — that would've hurt, yeah, but not for long —, or that I'd never been conceived, or something. I wish I was a blank space in the Universe. Something that had never existed. A hole or something like that. +They say energy can't be destructed and I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could just disappear completely from existence and leave no trace, I wish people would just forget everything about me so I could die without it being a sin. + +Is there a way to stop feeling like this? Cuz the only way to stop existing is dying, and I've already said why I don't want to kms, exactly. Is there a way to avoid it? Can it get better?",Depression +47278,"I feel like I'm still here just for the sake of my own suffering. I don't understand why I've had hope that things will ever change. My brain is, and will always be, broken and I can't go through a single day without feeling the heaviness of my own existence. I suffer by living through every meaningless day. Other than the 2 times or so a year I get the chance to step out of my everyday situation, have a getaway and forget who I am, I have a hard time seeing why I bother going to that effort at all when I would rather be dead for most of it.",Depression +47279,"Having trouble eating, sleeping, relaxing. I'm just so lonely and in my head all the time. I'm trying so hard to make friends, but idk how. It all makes me angry at society as a whole for leaving me all alone. I've wanted friends my whole life. I haven't had any in 20 years. And all I can wonder is why the fuck nobody wants to be near me, or to talk to me, or to even ask me questions. I feel like everyone is actively avoiding me at this point. And I hate them for it. I hate living because of everyone.",Depression +47280,"Honestly, which antidepressant withdrawal is not poop? I go to every sub in Bupropion, Escitalopram, Paroxetine, Effexor, Sertraline, Duloxetine, Mirtazapine, Amitriptyline, Fluoxetine, and I can list more, but every sub says ""this med has the worst withdrawal"". + +Yeah, withdrawals and discontinuation syndromes suck. But discouraging people from taking medication X that his doc prescribed now he's scared to take it is immoral. + +You had this experience, fine, doesn't mean he will. I saw a post on someone taking clonazepam for years on 6 mgs a day. + +He stupidly cold-turkey'd one day and even months later he had no withdrawals. Other's might have lethal seizures. + +It's very annoying to see a question about medication X and then tons of comments practically tell him not to take it because of withdrawals. + +Withdrawals are normal, so are discontinuation syndromes. You must go through it for 1 - 2 weeks, yes, very uncomfortable. I also suffered it. But this is not a reason to discourage someone to take the medication he was prescribed for his illness. + +Not to mention, he is not you. He/She might not experience the same things you did. + +Nice day, ladies and gentlemen",Depression +47281,Yes it hurts to try when you know you will fail again so stop telling me to try.,Depression +47282,"Sometimes emptiness is harder than feeling something Just feel like a bag of bones, doin nothing in my life, cause I always felt like I won’t fit anywhere. +At least, I hate this world, society, humans. +The school system destroyed me, but I did my best to persevere and try to go the furthest I could. +But now that I’m considered as an adult in this world I just feel too different to achieve anything, +and my opinions (political or philosophical) are just making me so sure about the fact that getting the life that everybody already has, having a work, getting paid, consuming for your pleasure, your needs +being officially included in this consumer society, as a consumer, won't fix anything. +I couldn’t even enjoy my childhood, same with my teenage years. +How am I supposed to have the strength to at least have hope for adulthood? +I’m too tired, this world is sick, +a huge amount of people in this planet talk about happiness as if it were more present than misery. + I can't stand this hypocrisy anymore. +It’s making me feel +🔃",Depression +47283,"I have made a deal with my depression and this shitty reality I am 21 male and currently experiencing major depression. But anyways, I’m too young to kill myself rn and I got things to see and do before I go. Travel, see nature, more romantic experiences, etc. The world is bs as we all know but if I can reach it to 40 I can end it there. On my birthday too. Til then I will to FIGHT to improve myself an acceptable amount and then when the time come I’ll be out. No more anxiety or thinking about death, I’ll face it head on when the time is right. (If I don’t die by another cause before that but hopefully not)",Depression +47284,What’s your go-to show to watch for when you’re depressed? Shows that’ll cheer you up specifically,Depression +47285,"How do you cope with friends/family, that really know you and have seen you before depression diagnosis? Have you had a dear friend tell you that you’re not doing well? Or say things like “you should snap out of it”, “you’re not socializing and that’s bad”, “you took time to get better and you’re getting worse”, “your environment is unhealthy”? + +I’m struggling with depression and anxiety along with chronic back and neck pain. I’m currently on temporary disability for the past five months. I’ve been doing therapy with a therapist every week, plus physical therapy. I’m also on medication for depression/anxiety for over a year. My symptoms haven’t changed. I’ve shared my heart with friends. And recently a friend told me that I’ve been better in the past, and that friendship is a two way road. It can’t be one sided. This is true. I haven’t been to see her since she moved two hours away in November. We chat on video chat and text message several times a week. I am dealing with anxiety about traveling and going outside my house. I’m working on it with a therapist and it is slow going. + +I love my friend dearly and I asked that we take a break from talking because her seeing me this way is difficult to watch (friends words) and it’s not healthy for me to feel bad about myself after chatting with her. + +I’m reaching out to this community in hopes of finding support in a depressive state.",Depression +47286,"Jobless, depressed, unmotivated 26 year old loser I’m a 26 year old woman still living at home with mom and step dad. I live in the outskirts of Los Angeles so it’s not like I’m in the most affordable of areas but ya… I went to school got 2 associates degrees and then just dropped out after that. I haven’t really done anything since, just hopped around from job to job, up until recently where I went through another horrible depressive episode and missed a few days of work and for the first time in my life got FIRED! I deserved it but wow has it made me realize how not normal I really am. I’ve been depressed and horrible anxious since I can remember and it’s gotten in the way of everything and everyone my entire life… i guess my question here is what should I start doing with my life? I feel as though I want a fresh start. I’ve been sitting here for the past week and I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. All I know is I can not work another customer service job, I hate them so much. Please give suggestions on job paths for people like me. Thank you!!!",Depression +47287,Everything is so hard Why is everything unexpectedly hard when i am faced with it?,Depression +47288,"Firing a Therapist ? Anyone fired a long time Therapist ? + +Not happy with discussion or results . + +So hard to find, afraid to stop. + +Thoughts ?",Depression +47289,"Why do I find the Spring so depressing? A lot of people talk about the Winter blues, but for me Spring by far (at least in recent years), is painfully depressing. + +It’s like the smell in the air, mixed with the temperature and longer/brighter daytime present this fake sense of happiness. + +It’s as if when I’m outside, things seem “too happy” and that scent in the air is gut-wrenchingly nostalgic of a past-time that can never be felt or experienced again. Because I’m not capable of it and I’m too worn-down to, anyway. + +I actually remember when I was little (29 now) that I loved clear, sunny weather. I looked up the forecast almost obsessively ahead of time, banking on those days of where there are no clouds to block the sun. Not even partly cloudy. + +It’s perplexing to think I was once like this since nowadays, I despise sunny weather. I genuinely feel better and more comfortable when it is cloudy with rain. Especially the eccentric types of weather where it looks as if nighttime has arrived too early, but instead it’s just a storm brewing. Not to mention, I am at my peak mindset and performance late at night. + +What the hell happened.",Depression +47290,"Not sure what to do! I have done everything possible! TW This is a new account because I don't want it linked to my old one. I have had quite a lot of awful things happen to me in the last 10 months, which most of which I reconise is entirely my fault. I had a miscarriage and was very horribly assulted by a man which caused me to spiral, develop an eating disorder, take far too many drugs and drink too much, cheat on my love of my life and break up with him, I got sober and became friends again with my now exbf and I did a lot of healing and (now have ) celebrated 200 days sober. It had been about 5/6 months and me and my ex boyfriend at the time who were incredibly close (after I got sober) despite all the arguements and it became a bit of a situationship and we then got back together. We were together for 2 and a bit months and it was really very wonderful apart from maybe two problems and he was still healing from my betrayal, which I will always carry the guilt. He then broke up with me around 5 weeks ago and I am at my whits end. I have a 6 week thearpy course I paid for which will end in two weeks. I have now gotten it in my head I am deserving of all my guilt and pain, which I am for most of it DEFO - I am not looking for sympathy dw - but I have convinced myself walking around today that the next earth shattering or heart breaking thing I will walk into traffic or try and end my life in a way that makes it looks accidental so no one has the burden. This deep suicidal ideation has happened before but it feels really final this time, now I have basically no one to bother with this news espeically since I am a teacher. any comments would be helpful on what to do.",Depression +47291,"Help. I'm in a situation worse than killing myself. I can't seem to talk to anyone truthfully about how I feel. No one respects me anymore. Give importance to what I do, respect my job, see my importance, or even care about how I feel. I'm so frustrated to the point that I can only hurt myself but can't kill myself. I have a little boy that keeps me going but I don't know up until when or how far I can go. I'm trapped in this cycle for years with no resolution.",Depression +47292,Intensive outpatient therapy program Hello has anyone here been in a 3 week intensive therapy program where it's you learn coping skills amd other things with a psychiatrist. I'm start one as soon as my referal goes thru and she said sessions with be Monday & Wednesdays 1 to 4 for 3 weeks. Can anyone give insight ?,Depression +47293,"Starting to really hate myself Im really mad at myself and get anger issues I keep inside of me… I feel like going on a rampage, go absolutely insane.. +Main reason is because usually when I mess things up with a girl for being too shy or nervous… I could really go fucking crazy and I can’t fix it… I overthink situations with girls too much so I hesitate and miss my chance. Right after that I just wanna rage!!! + +I then later feel more depressed and it really affects my mood and mental health",Depression +47294,"I wish I were a kid again Not having responsibilities, getting excited over the little things in life, making friends was way easier. I was obsessed with Pokémon and spent most of my days biking around the neighborhood with friends, just doing kid stuff like trying to invent new parkour tricks. Having fun felt so effortless. + +The things I would do to go back even for a day. I genuinely don't think I'll ever be as happy again and that just crushes me",Depression +47295,Life sucks when you don't have freedom from a 9-5 I am convinced working just makes me depressed. Dealing with people as a loner on a regular basis is draining. Wish I was rich and could leave it all behind.,Depression +47296,"What is the best way to get through a depressive episode? My depression has definitely improved over the years yet, I still will get these really bad depressive episodes that lasts a few weeks (almost a month). I’m not sure what triggers it. I just need advice on how to handle it better. I’m also in therapy and I’ve decided to take a break from smoking to see if that would help but, it’s not :/",Depression +47297,"i just can’t stop crying it’s been 3 months of nonstop stress and financial troubles. i can’t stop crying. every single day i start scream crying at least once. + +it’s all so hard and i so wish i could see the beauty, calm and strength in life. i miss it so badly and i know it’s still there and i want to be around to see it. + +i wish i could run away and change my name and live a life with grace and beauty and dignity. i’m so tired and distraught",Depression +47298,"2 week depression episode Hi Everyone, + +I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year, but had probably been dealing with it my whole life. + +I have a handful of medications that have helped me a lot, but occasionally I get these slumps of depression still. + +Before they always seemed to line up with PMS so I attributed them to that, but this one is on the opposite part of my cycle. I feel like I'm wasting my cycles best time! + +Anyway, I'm struggling to find a trigger. Was there a trigger? I'll obviously discuss this with my psychiatrist, but I don't know. + +I guess I just want to hear other's experiences with this type of episode. I went from high energy and cooking dinner to not being able to shower or work? I felt disconnected from my partner, like we were more in an arrangement to be married, not in love. That sounds awful, but my emotions just weren't there. I think I'm coming out of it now, I took a shower, got my eyebrows done, and had my legs waxed. Maybe I'll pay to get a Mani/Pedi. + +Thank you for reading my ramble. +Is this just life with depression?",Depression +47299,"I got the big sad but I prefer it that way I (24) m for the past 10 years have been pretty depressed since I grew up moving home to home among my relatives constantly being around drugs and alcohol. Since I move around a lot I can't get a real attachment to anyone which is sad for me with the exception is my GF of 7 soon to be 8 years. But I lately I've begun to realize that I feel more comfortable being a depressed guy than happy, it's more like I rather be sad and tired so others can be happy. For example my gf's family have taken me in as their own even giving me the nickname ""Mikwap"" (mee-gwap) which roughly translated to home in our language. + +Anyways, I wouldn't say no to them when they asked something of me. Nothing too crazy, simple things like small chores that theirs children refuse to do, lend them money when they need, or drive 4+ hours for an event. There are more things. But I do stuff like this for my actual family too and it's making me feel drained mentally and physically which leeds to my depression. I don't have a lot of time to myself and I struggled with nearly becoming an alcoholic. I sacrifice myself like this because I want to see everyone smile and be comfortable especially the children in both families. I don't want them to have a hard life moving around or being around drugs and alcohol. Lately my gf has been telling me not to worry about everyone so much and take time to myself. I considered it but I'm worried something will happen if I'm not around to help. + +I'm at work right now while I type this. And would like some outside opinions. + +Also I'm sorry about the title, I just use small amounts of humors to hide my depression",Depression +47300,"Can someone relate or am I broken? I need to premise this with saying that I recognise that I drink as it is the only time I don't feel anxious anymore, and it's a vicious cycle. And so, please, telling me that stopping drinking is an obvious step I am taking now and it certainly doesn't help to say this to me now. + +Recently, I have been feeling increasingly anxious and paranoid after drinking about things I may have done or said during the night. This is obviously even worse if there are moments of the night I don't remember or if I blackout. + +After a recent night out, I dont remember going back home from the club with some colleagues who I am semi close with (im new to the job). There is basically a 200meter walk home that I dont remember. I asked, and I was told by them that I was very drunk and was vomiting, but other than that it was a great night and we should do it again. + +However, I am absolutely convinced that I said or did something bad that night. Just like I'm always convinced I did something bad the previous time. That I maybe told them I want to rape/hurt/abuse someone, or that I was racist towards someone, or that I said a secret. And even if they said that it was absolutely fine, I'm convinced that they are hiding something from me, that they are waiting for the perfect moment to expose me. That they are all laughing/talking behind my back. I feel like I ruminate over scenarios I may not remember or know even happen, so much, that memories almost build themselves in my head and from moment to moment a memory is more and more vivid. + +This is not a new thing in my life, I wake up terrified of checking my phone for embarrassing or illegal things I may have done, if there's a murder in the news I check the location to ensure there was no chance it could be me. + +The same happens in my sober life. I convince myself that someone is angry at me so I will spend literal hours looking over a phone chat between us. Thoughts or worries plant themselves in my head and I cannot let them go. One day I raped someone, the next I have cancer. One day I pissed someone off, the next day the past is coming to get me. I'm terrified of getting out of bed as something will trigger panic. + +If someone can relate to this then I virtually plead for a comment or chat. I feel like I am losing control of my thoughts and emotions and this goes for sober life as much as when I drink.",Depression +47301,"bad I'm probably not as intense than anyone here idk. But i feel... Alone? Not my parents not my friend in school nobody barely caare about me. Not even talking none. I feel this heart of mine is just as empty as a loud barrel and as freezing as morning winter in the mountains. Im tired of trying, trying to make them even glance at me, i tried all the thigs i could think of such as being more talkative, pop more jokes, they do laugh but i don't feel any noteable form of relationship. +At First i thought i could fight by myself so even if i have no mental support i could breach through life but as days come it gets worse, now everytime i think about it my neck and arm feels itchy and tingly. I don't want to die but at the same time i dont want to continue. I wish there is this option of sleeping it away forever. +Tbf why am i even writing this, what? did i think somebody gonna come and care? Ridiculous.",Depression +47302,Exhausted just existing everyday So tired of doing life and being here. I'm slowly just falling apart AGAIN yet I'm supposed to just keep on going for whatever reason. I don't even understand the point of life anymore. Nothing matters to me anymore and its scaring me that I just don't feel like living anymore. Here we go again down this spiral.,Depression +47303,"Selfishness ""I don't feel very good, it's like I don't belong in this world (I don't think I ever did). My friends are happy, and I'm always the one who's not really funny and who ruins the mood. So now I try to say as little as possible, people always ask me if I'm okay, if I'm tired, or worse, they say I'm scary. I think I'm just a mistake. People must find me weird or creepy, it's ruining me. A few years ago, my brother committed suicide, I felt very close to him, I think about his death all the time, I wish I could start my life over again and make the right choices (for once). What affects me the most is girls, I think... It's ridiculous, but I would love to have a relationship with a (very) pretty girl. Sometimes I think I've suffered so much that I would at least deserve that. I saw the damage my brother's death caused in my family, now I think if I didn't have a family to make suffer => suicide. My message is so selfish, and I know it. Thank you for reading these few lines..."" + +\-Lust",Depression +47304,"this isn’t the same place even though it’s literally the same place physically. When I look back 1 year ago for example, it’s not so much that it feels like life has changed, but more like it’s absolutely not the same reality. I’m in the exact same house that I was in, the exact same rooms, and the exact same backyards, but it’s just not the same place. It felt like a different world, despite there being very few things different from the environment. + +It generally isn’t very distressing but it gets in the way when I wanna be happy again. I don’t know how to completely explain this phenomenon but I do know that it’s mental.",Depression +47305,"Why am I still feeling frustrated and crying even though I know the solutions to my problems? (Struggling with making new friends) I've been feeling awfully lonely lately, I've been socially isolating myself for the longest time now because I was dealing with shit like sudden weight gain, crying over my past, or having lack of friends in my class. + +But I know how to solve those issues, like going to a bar, talking on different discord servers, local meetups, or joining an interest club etc. Seems logical right? That's how to solve my feelings of loneliness. + +But at the same time I feel like everything requires too much effort. I want to make new friends, but at the same time I don't want to and I end up accidentally ghosting people because of my social isolation. I want to talk to people about my interests and discover new shows or theories, but at the same time I feel tired and don't want to. + +I end up sobbing again because I feel like I'm stuck in a loop like this and don't know what to do anymore. + +Please tell me what's wrong with me. I hate this dilemma.",Depression +47306,"Me(24m) her(25F) BPD & Sex Drive? +ok, so Me(24M) have been with my gf(25F) for a little over three years. We have had a very very difficult relationship! Recently have found out that she has BPD! We have had problems with being “intimate” with each other for majority of the relationship! She had given birth to her kid just a few months before we got together, so I figured it was post partom. Granted I have been a bit understanding not the best but I’ve tried very hard. However, it will be 4 years soon since she’s had him so I’m not understanding as much now as to why it’s such an issue to want me! We will have literal fights about it cause I feel like I’m not loved or wanted! She always tells me it’s not me and it’s just her head, but as a person who has A LOT of mental disorders I just can’t seem to believe her! So now she gets diagnosed with BPD, and I’m wondering if this would have an effect on her sex drive also! I also have BPD but I still have a sex drive… It’s getting to the point that I want to leave the relationship, cause I’m not getting what I need! I have a VERY high sex drive and she was told about this when we started dating! I love her with everything in me and would love to spend the rest of my life with her and our child. I just don’t know if I can continue to go on feeling like this every time I want to be touched…",Depression +47307,"Just want to be high and never leave my apartment for the rest of my life... Honestly, I feel like God's longest running joke and I'm just tired of it. Everything has always felt empty and hopeless. My dad died before I was born, my mom went crazy, I invested all my teen years in caring for her that I now I have no idea who I am or have any social skills, and now she's dead. I thought it would help me move on, but a few months after my boyfriend cheated on me and I left to a a new town for school. Since coming here I've only come to realize I'm not anything, my only reason to exist was to care for my mom and now that's gone there's no purpose for me. I'll never be normal like everyone else. Never fit in. Never be pretty or smart or liked. I'm just worthless now. + +I really want to just give up. Each day I'm more and more tempted to withdraw from college, and live off my inheritance the rest of my life, never leaving my apartment and only getting high to feel something more than regret and depression.",Depression +47308,"solutions So, when I have my real bad downs there isn't any way to just pull me out of there. I usually just sit through it. It's not nice but I can't do anything about it. +Why is it that other people keep suggesting ""find a way out of it""? It's not like I haven't tried. I get to hear that everytime I open up a bit about that topic. (Then I regret doing so) +It feels like I'm failing at everything when they mention stuff like that. Like I'm too stupid to find a way out. +How do you deal with such stuff? Do you deal with it in the first place?",Depression +47309,I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.. Ive been feeling this way for almost all my life but WAYY more so in the past 1 year.,Depression +47310,"I can’t be bothered anymore. I’m a 22 year old male, I really can’t be bothered to let all this bullshit play out for the rest of my life. + +My family is dead, or too abusive for me to risk speaking too. + +I have let countless opportunities get away from me and now my only skill is dishwashing and cooking, which I hate and I am forced to do it to survive and pay my rent. + +I’m by no means physically attractive and constantly am told (subtly or not) that I am ugly. Really like my facial structure itself is terrible. I’m losing my hair at this early age, and have a gross and large surgery scar on my stomach. People look at me with disgust in public. I have such low self esteem I cannot ever stand up for myself and if I try I get laughed at. Constantly treated with no respect unless it’s sympathy or pity, and I’m very awkward and weird. + +I always make mistakes, can’t handle myself under pressure, constantly miss things and can barely make life decisions on my own, which I’m forced to do because I don’t have anyone else. It’s like my brain is a level lower than everyone else’s. When I have a chat with people they can insult me and I don’t even realise because I am so slow until later and then I feel so upset and resentful. + +I had a group of friends , they are all good looking and live at home with their parents so they are able to have so much money to party and hangout , as we’ve grown out of Highschool age they’ve seen as I’ve devolved and aged badly and how pathetic, spineless and valueless I really am. I feel like I’ve been exposed. Now I don’t get invited , and when I do occasionally see them for something I can afford , I am the pathetic butt of the joke. + +I used to have girls interested with me , perhaps because I was younger and better looking and confident because I was unaware. Now I seriously have no chance . + +I don’t know how to have social interactions anymore, and I always feel like I said the wrong thing, that I’m different from other people in a terrible way. + +Out of sync with life and destined to be one of the unfortunate disgusting underclass. + +The only thing that stops me from ending it all is that I have a sister who is younger than me and I am quite close with. She is well put together and successful, and since she has no family either I know how much it’ll devastate her to lose me. + +These days sometimes I think she would be fine though… + +Life is not fair to some of us",Depression +47311,Depression feels like you’re drowning and there is no way out I’m drowning more and more everyday.,Depression +47312,"mental hospital- payment and ward logistic questions ive been to a mental hospital under involuntary admission, but almost 2 years ago as a minor... was hoping for some help + + +-is it expensive? relatively, and with insurance. maybe for like 3-7 days? + +-is it generally not recommended unless absolutely necessary to go to an adult ward? + + +im almost 18 and i dont want to cost my parents more money considering college but i think i need help.. unsure what to do",Depression +47313,"No joy or motivation for almost all my life Hello + +I dont know whats wrong with me. Nothing in life is fun, brings me joy or motivates me. All i wish is to lie in bed all day and stare at the wall. + +I opened this thread because lately i have more and more thoughts like ""whats the point of this? why do this another 60years?"" and after another successful ski weekend with family i just prefered to stay in bed after skiing for 10min. + +&#x200B; + +Its not something that just started to happen a few weeks ago. It follows me since childhood i would say. Nothing ever motivated or brought me joy me except computer games as kid but not even games nowadays bring me joy at all. Somehow i got through all schools till university without doing anything and missing about 20% of classes. Even in university my motvation is still equal 0 and thus I am still stuck in bachelor after 6years.I write exams from time to time because i guess thats something you have to do in life but my motivation is negativ. But when Ifind a tiny bit of motivation to write an exam, I usually write very good grades while not attended 1 class at uni over all these years but they dont make me happy nor motivate me for more. + +But its definitely not the issue with the chosen path. I tried different part time jobs like char mech, hotelero(?), sales (not retail), vet or logistics. ZERO motivation for any of it. It always started fine while I kept up my mask but usually after few weeks I couldn't find motivation to stand up anymore and quit. But also here they usually were happy with me and few even called me year later to help out again during summer holiday etc. + +I dont find any sports enjoyable. handball,unihockey,ski,sailing,boxing,... tried and tried nothing lasted over a month, except gym once because I thought all my problems are because of my physical appearance. Not even this gave me any motivation even though after intensive few months I got way more attention from women, people treated me better and so on. A normal human would be so happy with this change, for me it was whatever lets go back to bed! + +&#x200B; + +This no motivation follows me everywhere! I had a few romances including two longer relationships which lasted 1years and 2years with very beautiful&great character women. BUT the same problem again NO MOTIVATION. Obviously I fucked up and they eventually left because I had no motviation to put any effort in. + +I have great friends since childhood. Even now almost towards 30y they still meet multiple times per month and go on holiday 1-3 times /year since we are 18. even here NO MOTIVATION i usually join the holiday once a year but this is like enough. It is just not fun to me to hang out. No they are very good people, alone for the fact they still ask me out even tho i go deep sea most of the year. I just dont want to deal with any humans i guess. + +Kinda same with my family. I could call them any time and the financials are covered by my father. I just dont want to be alone. + +what i tried so far: + +3x different therapist, ambulant weekly session => completley useless. I lose motivation to go there after few times and dont feel i achieved anything ever from talking + +medicaments => worst decision ever. While it completley killed all my thoughts which i enjoyed i had even less motivation to leave my bed and the sweating side effects made it even worse. What a wasted year until i found the motivation to contact someone and say what happened. + +clinic => after 1 week i just wanted to leave and this stayed with me for the remaining 2months. Felt like a waste of time i had 0 motivation and every morning to stand up was a fight with my inner self. + +&#x200B; + +tldr: no motivation or joy in life since childhood for anything. literally 0 and i just wonder whats the point to live another 60 years laying in bed? + +good grades? hot gf? amazing friends? good looking? nothing brings joy + +&#x200B; + +No im not suicidal i just wonder am i missing something? anyone in a simillar situation found a solution?",Depression +47314,"I cheated lied and hurt people near and dear to me. Now everyone knows my lies and I do not feel like breathing, walking, or looking anyone in the eyes. My spouse cheated on me a long time ago, after which things became pretty good. She was nice to me, worked her way to get me back, and make me love her. Which I did for about 3-4 years and then I started feeling the urge to have someone else in my life and see what it feels like to be with someone else than my wife. I went down the worse path, I lied to someone about my marriage being in turmoil and how I still feel neglected by my spouse. I started giving more time to the affair over calls and WhatsApp, instead of providing the necessary time to my wife and daughter. + +Recently everyone found out about this, as the woman I was involved with was talking to me while her husband was home. Now her husband informed everything to my wife. I am constantly trying to say sorry and ask for forgiveness. My wife is talking to the other women and she is providing more details about what I used to say and not. + +During this affair sometimes I will feel weird about patching up with my wife but will stop myself and withdraw myself because I used to feel it was unjust to her while I am in another relationship. To touch her kiss her or even say I loved her. I am this horrible human being and I feel I don't deserve any of them. + +Now I have a hard time just living let alone working. I wish my wife forgives me. I tried talking her into marriage counseling but her point is you have mental issues, why should she suffer? + +Cant look into my daughter's eyes (she doesn't know anything). Same with Mom. My only support system in the world after I lost my dad this year was my brother. He knows everything about this now and is withdrawn from me, and anyway, he lives in a different country. + +I will be ok living alone too, I mean I will understand if my wife leaves me now. She has not decided anything yet. But to stay like this, it's difficult, do I have a right to live? Is there any hope for a monster like me? Please help if you think I am still worth living and loving.",Depression +47315,"Difficult to have the strength to wake up everyday... Some people dont understand that it was hard to wake up when youre not motivated. And when you woke up early, it is just you had strength to wake up and atleast self reflect, not because you wanted to do chores.",Depression +47316,"I need some guidance - stopped drinking 3 years ago, multiple bad experiences since and I feel seperate to everyone and everything I'm struggling atm. Not as bad as I have been previousy, however, my logical mind seems to be undermining me. Everywhere I go it feels like people only want relationships that have a transactional value. The person that I am doesn't matter, lots of people can't understant even basic concept regarding lots of things, yet I seem to understand them fine. For instance 'giving without receiving' seems to be something the majority of people can't understand. I try and find communities, but my values of 'trying to not inflict suffering' and looking at the world in way that is communitive rather than idividualisticseems to be considered 'extreme'. The only friends I had made since I got sober verbally and physically abused me, and the other people didn't stand up for me and then acted like nothing happened after I lost my home due to it. + + +I tried to go to the buddhist center for guidance as it seems most inline with a lot of my beliefs, but there wasn't a proper teacher there and very few members. I need some help with human contact. How to find a group that isn't so polarzed it creates echo chambers and also not so un-aware it is detrementle for mental health. + + +I volunteer, I go to the gym. I'm fit and healthy (except for my mind atm, and even then, it's because I live in a world where I see all the death and hatred and how easy it couldbe different, so possibly understandable) + + +I would just like to beleive that I am not invisable. That I matter to someone somewhere. But I don't. If I died right now it would be an inconvenience because someone else would have to stop what they were doing to clean up and post an add on roomshare + +&#x200B; + +I feel like I spent so much time learning buddhism and stoicism just to be confronted by a world that is incredibly selfish and doesnt want me in it. And I understand this is black and white thinking, and I understand this isn't the entire planet, but it's the world that is available to me, and the possibilities are lacking",Depression +47317,The slightest inconvenience makes me suicidal That's how bad my mood is all day.,Depression +47318,"I don’t want to get medically diagnosed for depression I’m honestly afraid to get check cause what if i’m actually not suffering from depression? + +So, am I just feeling sad and lonely this whole time? That makes it a lot worse.",Depression +47319,"I've finally realized it At last I know it. It's not going to get better, never; I can't change who I am, I can't change what I did.",Depression +47320,"Depression relapses I had severe depression as a teenager. It lasted for years but gradually got better. I got married, moved states, got an amazing job, bought a house, got dogs. Life was going so well. I still had my coping mechanisms but I was off medications. But in the last few months everything has been so much worse. I work a high stress job during the holidays so I normally take a nice vacation in the beginning of the year. It resets me and gets me ready for the year ahead. But this year it didn't help. + +Its been one thing after another in terms of bad things happening that I have to deal with. Between serious injuries to myself, high periods of emotional stress helping others through the darkest times of their lives, and high levels of stress with things that keep happening at work I can't keep up. Yesterday I cracked. I stayed in bed all day alternating between crying and feeling emotionally detached. Today was much the same. I'm just now feeling like I can bear to get out of bed and do anything. I have a therapy appointment set up. But it feels like I'm back to being that sad teenager with no way out. My coping mechanisms aren't working the way I need them too. Any advice to get me through this time is appreciated. Thank you, and much love to this community",Depression +47321,"Depression and cleaning You already know. +How do you start. How bad is it for you.",Depression +47322,"Is this depression & anxiety? I’ve been really struggling for 3+ years now. My symptoms are down mood, EXTREME exhaustion no matter how +much I sleep, feelings of being on edge, feeling spaced out 24/7 like my mind is slow and foggy, feeling disconnected from myself and those around me, a bit dizzy or lightheaded, feeling no motivation and like everything feels hard, feeling as though I could loose my mind at any second and just general groggy and confused feeling even though I never do actually loose touch with reality. + +I have had blood work, brain MRI, every thing is normal! But truly I feel so strange and run down and frustrated every single day. + +Please, has anyone had these symptoms? Can they truly all be caused by poor mental health? And can they someday go away?? I am losing hope.",Depression +47323,Who are the BEST psychiatrist who specialize in depression in the US? Need recommendations. Ty I am in urgent need of a RENOWNED psychiatrist in the US. Local psychiatrist has not been able to help in a year and I am desperate. I will go anywhere…just need the best. Ty,Depression +47324,"Why don’t I get help (more of a vent than anything but yeah) I don’t know what’s wrong with me I don’t know if this is the right place for this I’ve never been diagnosed but I’ve always been stuck with this feeling of nothingness I want to die but I don’t and it comes in waves one day I’m fine but the next I can barely get out of bed I don’t bother to get help even though I feel like I need it I think maybe I just wouldn’t know where to start or really imagine myself to be truly happy with anything +I have always resented the thought of maybe I’m depressed because it feels like that’s become the norm every person and their dog brags or says they’re ‘so depressed’ and I just didn’t want to turn out like that +The things I’ve said and done to people because I’m insecure make me hate myself and it was just for a couple of laughs with my friends I just hate myself but in a way there’s a sort of comforting feeling with how sad and shallow I feel +The dumbest thing is I have nothing to be depressed or sad about other than maybe I’m lonely because I barely talk to anyone anymore +Im sorry if this makes no sense it’s more of a vent than anything because I don’t know who else to go to or what to do with myself +goodnight all and sleep well I hope all is going well or starts to go well",Depression +47325,"I'm not sure what to do anymore I feel like everything is coming to an end around me. I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel scared and alone, I'm terrified those around me will abandon me or forget about me but I'm too scared to reach out to them. my parents have been trying to contact me for days but I can't stomach the thought of talking to anyone right now but I don't want them to worry about me. I just don't really know what to do right now.",Depression +47326,"Depression in relationships. Did you leave? Would you return? Hello, + +My (now ex) SO has been diagnosed with depression. We have had a wonderful relationship built upon many common interests and values, and family blending. He pursued me, and we both wanted a serious committment. + +He admitted he felt depressed to me 2 months ago, when I asked him why we had been struggling to do outside things together. There are a few large situational stressors in his life atm, but he had not expressed the severity of some of these to me until now. + +I feel I see the worst of it, but friends get his 'all fine here' mask. Family seem to see more of it too, but they also come across quite critical which I feel makes him withdraw more. + +* He seems to not be able to make plans in advance anymore, even of a few days, meaning I cannot clarify if we will see each other until hours/late at night the day before. I have asked him what we could do to make this easier, work with how he thinks etc but he has not suggested anything. +* When I am visiting him, he is often engrossed in his cellphone, or just wants to watch TV in bed. The feel of absence hurts, but I try to co-exist and just be there. I have expressed this can be upsetting, and that idm if we do our own things together, but I need some of our time to be more about us interacting. This has been up and down, with things having seemed better lately. +* He has become more irritable, sometimes snapping at me or just seeming short all day. I can't seem to get anything right. +* I feel like we are always having a conversation through a different filter. I could be talking about something abstract, and he will somehow interpret it as a criticism. eg. the other day I had mentioned a friend bought new clothes for her partner as he was in need of some replacements, and SO took this as a sly comment at him to update his own wardrobe. +* I try to do nice things for him, leaving notes, bringing comfort items, making food, offering to talk if he needs to. He never wants to talk, and the nice things seem to leave little impact after an hour. +* The task of organising our time together is mostly mine, I have asked he share more of this how he can, such as both of us deciding on food options sometimes or suggesting something to do (just home stuff like movies) but this seems to have caused more strain despite him saying he was happy to do it. +* He has admitted he struggles to discuss his own feelings but also told me he will always be honest, which is now untrue as he seems unable to do so. +* When I try to talk about my feelings on a matter (related or unrelated) he tends to get frozen up and doesnt say much. If it involves him in any way, he has been snapping more and recently and told me he does not have to talk about things just because I want to. I was hurt. + +Things took a turn recently, and he ended it. I was confused, as things had been on the up that week. He had started meds a few weeks prior, and had a promotion. + +He said he doesn't know if we fit together but cannot explain why, then that it was actually him because he cannot sustain a relationship right now, then that he doesn't know who he is and just wants to be alone to figure himself out and cannot see ahead of himself or focus. But said he loves me and thinks I deserve better. + +I don't know what to think. Is this typical of anyone else's experience with depression and their SO? If so, what did you feel when it was you? Did you come back to your partner if your symptoms improved or you recieved working treatment? + +I have been depressed before, but recovered with treatment, however I can see all our experiences will differ and how people react to a partner will not always be the same. It manifested differently for me, so I am seeking insight and advice on how to proceed.",Depression +47327,"7th friend gone... ive lost 7 friends to suicide now and im just completely destroyed, this most recent one i knew since march of 2022... im so sad and losing hope so fast what do i even do to cope anymore...",Depression +47328,"I'm just so lost and confused. This is a way longer story but the just of it is I left an abusive relationship after he made sure I had no friends or family left, nowhere to go and Noone to turn to. I've been sleeping in my car for 3 weeks now with what few belongings I have. I had no job, he made sure I didn't work or have any savings. I'm at a loss right now. I have no money no where to go, no one to talk to. It's been in the low 30s at night and one blanket doesn't do much to help with that. I'm tired of being cold and hungry and dirty and alone. I can't take this much longer. I can't even shower because I have no means to, no soap, no money to take a trucker shower. I'm just so pissed at myself for letting this happen, I knew he was isolating me but did nothing to stop it. I feel like I can't even apply for a job because I have no clean clothes and no way to shower. I feel so stuck and it seems like my only option is to leave this world all together. I just wanted to be happy, but that's to much to ask. Sorry for the rant. I'm gonna be gone by the time anyone reads this. Please continue to help the people here that need it, you redditors are an amazing bunch of humans.",Depression +47329,"Feeling tired all the time I don't known if this is the right place to seek advice of this kind, so i apoligize in advance. + +I (M27) have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic attacks by a psichiatrist and have been under antidepressants, that should work against anxiety aswell, for a while. I'm also followed by a therapist that i meet once a week. + +Life is better, my mood is better, i'm generally good, and making steps thorward a better life but i'm tired all the damn time and i don't know why. + +I sleep 8 hours, go to bed at midnight, and i wake up tired. I drink water, my diet is on check, no alcohol, no sodas, pretty clean. Once a year i get my blood checked out and everything is fine. I regoularly go outside on walks. Despite all this i'm always exausted, sleepy and tired. + +I need some advice because i have no clue what's going on.",Depression +47330,"Tired I don't have the energy or will to become anything in this world, I don't want to work and slave away no matter what it is until I'm dead. Life really is shitty for people that don't have the willpower, mental capability, interest or motivation to partake in this sick society. I envy those who wake up and do what they love everyday, although they're probably few.",Depression +47331,everything has been pissing me off i hate everything. everyone. even the ones I love,Depression +47332,"Jobs Whenever someone asks me “what do you want to do when your older” It makes me feel extremely suicidal because I’m reminded I have to work a job that I’ll hate for the rest of my life. And people say to find something your good at or you like and see if you can make a job out of that but the problem is that I don’t really have any interest and I’m not that good at anything. And on top of that I’m so unmotivated to work that even if I do find something I like I still won’t want to do it because I just don’t want to work. I’m really starting to think either I’ll end up in a mental hospital or I’ll just kms. And also even if I do make just enough money to live, I’m trans and I want to get top surgery and I can’t do that without money. I’m genuinely starting to think that this world isn’t made for me.",Depression +47333,lets face it my mom emotionaly abuses me i was never ment to be born my mom just had sex and i was born 9 months later. my dad is even worse he calls me a faggot and fat and nigga im getting tired of being in this family. mom used to and still threatens to kill/hurt me i remember the time when she told me to not get on youtube and being the dumb 6 year old i was when she got back home and saw me on youtube she proceeded to sit on my head in front of my siblings (she is 204 pounds by the way) and i swear i heard a slight crack in my skull and ive been hearig this raoring sound in my head since. now im 13 and she beats the fuck out of me every morning when i slightly do somthing wrong like taking to long to find a pair of socks. when my grandpa died at 57 it took a toll on my life i was even more depressed than before ( i moved away from florida and to the state i was born in arkansas) one fateful day on jan 10 2021 we got a call from the hostpital in felsonthaw that grandpa was on his last breath we got there with 4 of my siblings and i got 2 choices watch my grandpa die on his deathbed or go with my other aunt i chose to go with my other aunt. i could have wen't to see grandpa as he died an hour later and mom uses his death as an excuse as to why she is depressed. one time i told mom i was sad/depressed her bitch fat ass said oh no its just those video games i fucking hate this bitch.,Depression +47334,Wasted 12 years of my life in depression. I m just a loser in life right now. I m 25 going to be 26 in some months and i haven't achieved anything in life right now. I feel like I m good for nothing. I lost all my hope to do anything better for me. I am avoiding everyone and staying isolated. I feel like i can't fit with them. What shall I do? I m a loser,Depression +47335,"I get sad in spring I hate this time of year. It means I have a ton of yardwork to do until the end of summer. I hate doing my taxes. I hate the time change to daylight savings time. I hate that the air is going to be so much more humid and my hair is going to fuzz out to twice its size. I hate wearing warm weather clothing. I would much rather cover-up, and feel cozy. I get seriously angry and sad. Traumatic events from my past usually happen in the spring. Most people love spring and summer. I hate being this way. I’m tired of the screwed up world.",Depression +47336,"So is this what it's all about? I'm not saying I have a plan to leave but man, I'd really like to leave, but due to familial and religious obligations that won't be possible. I found therapy to be just regurgitations of the same message ""well that's too damn bad"" or ""just don't think like that anymore instead think like this"". I've tried many times to completely change but I always revert back to the stupid self. So how do I endure this carnival ride til the sweet embrace of death? I'm 31.",Depression +47337,"I'm slowly losing grip Things started to go downhill once my dad got sick, and passed away. I lost my jobs due to Covid, and couldn't recover till the tail end of 2021. My grandpa had passed during 2021, and our house has started to fall apart. I work long hours, but still don't make enough to keep everything paid, even our property taxes. Now, a week away, the property tax offices are planning to take us to court and sue us for the debt we owe if we don't pay it by the 31st of this month, and they are also going to start legal proceedings on foreclosure. And when things started to get worse, our only car to go to and from work, and to go shopping and everything, broke down. Everything's piling on, and I'm just one guy. I've tried so hard to stay positive in the constant face of adversity, but I feel I am finally losing this battle again and again. Nothing has been going my way, and whether it's just bad luck or not, I don't know. I'm close to losing my job as well because of my absences, and I've nowhere else to turn. All of my coworkers and friends who have all told me ""I'm so sorry, let me know if I can help you!!"" go silent when I tell them exactly how they can help, ways and methods to help.. I am becoming bitter.. I'm gaining the mindset that they don't care what happens to me, but if they were in my shoes, they'd be crying and trying to fight just as much.. + + +I just.. feel so empty at this point, and I'm seeing no other way out of this.. I can't struggle for much longer.",Depression +47338,"Any idea on how to deal with Depression that don't involve telling someone? I'm fairly confident my parents won't take me seriously, though I don't have any basis for that. I just... can't bring myself to try. I've got a job(part time, though), I'm blessed will all sorts of things. And yet, I can't bring myself to try. I feel like it's pointless to try, that I'll fail anyways and somehow make my position worse. I know that I am capable of succeeding, and that I have all the tools I need to advance in my career and social position. But I just can't bring myself to try. I give up, fall into old habits, and now I'm just existing and waiting for even my parents to give up on me. I want to do better, but I just don't feel like I can, and i feel like it's pointless to even get out of bed in the morning sometimes.",Depression +47339,"Moving back in w my parents at 23 I’m a 23 yo female who has been through the ringer the past few months. Started with anxiety based on some life circumstances and changes but quickly progressed into anxiety and depression. Living with my fantastic boyfriend but I’m currently unemployed and this is my biggest struggle right now. I just started w a new therapist and upped my meds. however, my thoughts are bad and I’m scared I’m getting to the point of no return + +The problem is I will rot living w my boyfriend right now, I’m doing nothing but waiting for him to get home. He’s doing his absolute very best and I’m so thankful for him and all he’s done for me. We aren’t breaking up and we have talked it through and both understand that moving back in w my parents is probably a good thing, as I will be able to focus on myself and my mom is a fantastic support system and is no stranger to depression/anxiety. My goal is to heal and find myself. With hopes of coming back when I get myself through this storm. + +Anyone else have to do this or something similar? It’s a very trying time for me and I know that by doing this I will have to take responsibility for my issues with my mom pushing me through it.",Depression +47340,"is it safe to go cold turkey after 2 weeks? I have been on 3 medications for about 12 days now. + +Trintellix 10mg, half a pill per day for 4 days and then one full pill a day. + +Vilazodone HCL 20mg, half a pill for 4 days and then 1 full pill after that. + +Olanzapine 5mg, 1/4 of a pill everyday. + +yesterday I decided to go cold turkey on the Olanzapine and Vilazodone HCL, but not the Trintellix. Is that safe and will there be any long lating withdrawal effects? + +so far the only thing i noticed is nausea, dizzines, and my body being extremly fatigued with a slight headache.",Depression +47341,"how to be there for a depressed friend? Hey everyone, + +a friend of mine struggels a lot since a few years. she is 59yo and about 4 years ago her mom got sick and she cared for her til the mom died. they lived in the same house. her adult daughter is on a different continent and cares pretty much for herself only -wich is ok, they have a good realationship, i just try to draw the whole picture. She lost a close friend to cancer in december, they have spent nearly every day together. + +Since 2 years she isnt able to work because of her depression. 2 months ago she tried to explain to her doctor that she wants to work again, not fulltime, just to get back some routine in her days. doc declined. + +Now shes at home most of her time. Alone. Her loved cat died earlier this year. she says the whole house just feel dead to her and she is so lonley there. But at the same time she doesnt want to be around others. i know that every time i visit her she struggles and is always close to cancel, but knows that she feels a little better afterwards. + +she is calling for help -indirectly. i get the calls. she wants back some structure in her days. she wants to help someone by reading books for kids or a women in a wheelchair who is helpless. But she cant bring herself to do it. + +I dont want to push her to much. But i also have to strong urge to help her somehow. more than visit her once a week and listen to her. But i dont know how. i cant imagine the situation she is going throuht. i cant relate to that feeling but i want her to get better and be that brave, wise, strong and creative person she was before. she wants help but i dont know how. she cant bring herself and i dont wanna be to pushy. + +i thouhgt maybe you guys can give me some advice! + +ps: she is in therapy",Depression +47342,"I have nothing No education, no family, no money, no discipline, few friends, no travels/experiences, few/no relationships, no car, bad job, bad anxiety, agoraphobia 2.5 yrs. + +SSRI's saved my bacon for anxiety but now I feel absolutely nothing when I orgasm. Sex isn't even fun anymore. I am 2 yrs sober off booze which is an achievement but another earthly pleasure I cant have. Smoking is my only escape. I severely lack self discipline and am constantly ashamed of myself for it. I cant plan anything in my life or build any pathway, I live day to day like an animal. + +I just hate what a pathetic and disjointed life I live. No path or career. No family. No education. Just an entry level WFH job and a bunch of medications to allow me to live life. I feel one literal step above homeless....I am the underclass. + +Fin",Depression +47343,Never actually getting better really thought i was seeing some progress last week but guess not. just fucking tired of everything and feeling like shit. literally no one actually cares,Depression +47344,"I got a psychiatrist that says , i´m going to be fine soon.But this life wouldn´t be worth living if i don´t get diagnosed with smthg. because then i got some solid proof i am the problem and not my brain(chemicals) I am not able to do anything , had some ""mental breakdowns"" i am scared to call people or socialise , even though i am a empath ,i keep extreme anger with me and can´t controll it , sometimes i just start to rage for small things cuz i feel like beeing on the edge at all times. I keep getting more hopeless the more days i life on this planet. + +Hyperfocused but then slow in thoughts and processing things. + +Hungry but not wanting to eat. + +Feelings of extreme tension and not-knowing my future due to big problems with work/education , family relationships , legal problems , substance abuse , traumatic stressful events happened often in my life, disresepect from many people around me ,that think i am just a lazy ,looser, too stupid to go to work and live a normal life( that shit hurts bad when feeling i do everything my body could ) + +&#x200B; + +The moment i got myself some help was when my suicidal thoughts got really bad and kept cycling lots of times a day in my head and crying , lying on the floor and sleeping too much without the good feeling of rest and beeing awake. + +&#x200B; + +I had a dream days ago : Of me beeing in a city and very very strong winds would blow , the people seem to walk normal and don´t feel the force but i feel it and need all my energy to take slow small steps , people watch me and look at me like i was doing something wrong , i felt like this describes how i feel best ( thank you subconscious ) there´s alot of suffering included that i can´t explain (feelings of guilt , not beeing able to move like everyone else) i feel tho as it would be a good metaphor for people to understand my point of view. + +&#x200B; + +I got a half-brother that is rather unsupportive and just saying something if he complains or wants me to feel bad , when i told him about my depression there wouldn´t be much said but then after a few weeks he felt like he should joke a bit about that and not taking it serious. Well brother you are not invincible to depression , take care in the future i told him and he shouldn´t be like that because it´s A very serious and dangerous illness ( his mom had a suicide attempt and is schizophrenic but he still doesnt understand the situation for me ) . I think he is a stuck soul and using narcissist behaviour to feel better about himself. + +I´ve seen things when i was younger that a child wasn´t supposed to see. + +&#x200B; + +for example : + +A friends sister was a heroin addict and i saw her tripping hardcore with 8-11 years of age. + +I saw real and brutally disturbing footage of ISIS and 2 people get decapitated with chainsaw and a knife , with 11 years. + +I saw some other nasty footages of suicides and other things that you shouldn´t watch as a kid ( horror movies aswell but they were not as disturbing ) + +Took some LSD when i was older , then the friend of a friend came home(who was a hunter) with a plastic bag and the head of a baby deer bloody nasty and not good when your on LSD) + +I´ve always had problems with my family and respect due to conflict with everything outside my home and then coming home and listening to financial problems of my mom and how my dad betrayed her and sh\*t just overloaded me (ALWAYS) + +All that stuff is terrible and if u have kids , don´t let them ever live a life like that , u are fcked real bad afterwards. My brain is not the same , i have mental breakdowns nearly everyday. And suicidal ideation is just the good part of it. + +&#x200B; + +I feel like my thoughts are hella aggressive and dark , sometimes when i just see words like bloodthirst , bloodshed i seem to calm down and I´m good , is this how my brain copes with things now? it needs trauma and horrifying things to calm down? + +&#x200B; + +I watch myself as a person that tries it´s best to keep going but not having people that understand mental illness and not providing support in a healthy way.. And bad things happen to me all the time but i keep going cuz the immortality of our soul is not bound to this earth but to the universe , so you can´t escape , not even with deleting yourself. + +&#x200B; + +I feel like i can´t ever escape but it somehow is good to deal with my problems rather than ignoring them. + +&#x200B; + +Edit: I guess i wasted my time now but it feels like i cleaned some emotions up. Cheers moderator ",Depression +47345,"I hate myself I hate myself. I have super important exams coming up that will affect my life in the future, and yet I just cannot bear to study. Why? Why am I like this? Its not that I do not care, I am fully aware of the consequences and yet I am still a dumb piece of shit. And you know what the worst part is? My family. They love me so much, if I were to commit suicide they would be devastated, they have done so much for me, I cannot die, I am only alive because of them. I continue to stay alive for their sakes. + +I also have been given many opportunities in my life yet I waste it all away. I hate life and myself to the core. I wish I was never born.",Depression +47346,My concentration is incredibly poor Don't know if i have some undiagnosed neurological condition,Depression +47347,"Even when things are better i still feel like this I’ve been waiting for so long for things to finally go my way, it’s like I’m finally going to get everything i deserve after all the bullshit. I should be happy. Should. It’s like i can’t even enjoy the good in life anymore I’m just waiting for the day i can leave this miserable planet. It’s now 3:30 am with tequila and weed as my only companions tonight. I want to give a special fuck you to all the people that messed me up so bad. I hope you burn in hell.",Depression +47348,"Can FATIGUE be the most prevalent symptom? Hi everyone! My 18 yo son just made a 2nd appointment in 2 months with our PCP because he is always TIRED. All his (extensive) blood tests came back normal. He also has sleep apnea testing scheduled in the coming weeks. But he is exhausted, and that’s making him miserable. He falls asleep on the couch after dinner when coming home from college. He has a LOT of trouble getting up in the morning. He has trouble getting through the day… + +We have a family history of depression (I still take antidepressants and so does my hypersensitive daughter), so the PCP wants to discuss depression with our son, which makes a lot of sense to me… but… aside from fatigue and it’s after-effects, he doesn’t have many depressive symptoms. Anyone else can relate? TIA!",Depression +47349,"i’m ____ but i’m also suicidal. i love talking to people who are lonely, i love helping people who are depressed, i love being there for someone when they need it. i enjoy comforting people who need it, but i’m stuck. going around like i’m not sad, i feel like i’ll never be able to open up to anyone. maybe it’s the pride in me or the fact that i don’t want to “burden” others with my heavy feelings. i love to offer consolation to others when in reality i’m not even able to take my own advice and i’m scared to open up and show these emotions.",Depression +47350,"How do I deal with depression when sel-steem is the biggest roadblock? It literally makes me go to the srart point whenever something improves self steem. I have mysefl so much I don't see a point in fighting this illness anymore. Afterall, it will just be me again, isnt that sad itself? How do I break this loop? + +Any experiences or help will be more than welcome, I am fucking up my family, friends and relations and everything in general. Depression has taken over all my life.",Depression +47351,"That pure dread when you roll through posts from 3years ago and nothing have changed. I don't know if its just me. +But my depression makes me lose track of time.. I can't believe its been 3 years since I started posting about being depressed and being a loser, and yet nothing have changed for me. Everyone is out there trying to succeed in their career. Trying to find a partner and build a future together. Living life like they should. Yet Im here struggling to be at least a decent human being for years and still failing at that. I feel like Im in shock right now. I should've known that its been a long time since I've been in this state.. but to see it with my own eyes. Seeing the '3years ago' just drives me completely mental.",Depression +47352,"I’ve recently been getting closer to reaching proper nutrition everyday and it’s made more of an improvement than any antidepressant I’ve ever been put on has the more I learned about nutrition the more I applied it to my diet, then one day I couldnt afford healthy foods and had to eat processed foods and a few times had fast food because it was better than declining and getting no calories at all. + +by the end of the first day I was doing worse again. I didn’t notice the correlation until a week later when I could get healthy food again and saw the recent things I ate (I’ve been keeping track to do the math on how much nutrition I was getting) + +by the end of the day after eating healthy foods again, not even getting close to the proper amount for my age and weight, just having some I felt noticeably better. I was more productive,able to focus a bit more, moving wasnt something I had to work up motivation for, and I didn’t have to spend as much time getting myself out of the ‘I wanna lay here until I start to decay’ kinda mind. + +its kinda soul crushing and liberating at the same time. after a childhood of depression, trauma, neglect, then a few years of pure hell and not feeling any of the positive things even for a moment, I actually have control over one of the things thats contributed to life being unbearable. + +but now I’m realizing if baby me had healthy food options and someone to explain nutrition, it wouldnt have been as unbearable. to what extent, I don’t know. its too depressing to imagine. + +anyway the point is, pls prioritize your personal nutrition. I’ve tried so many things my entire life to feel okay, but without the components it needs, your brain just cant do very well. I tried to eat as healthy as possible as I got older, but even the seemingly healthy options I had available to me still left me very deficient. + +(obviously malnutrition isnt the only thing that causes depression, but it has a huge effect. a lot of foods are marketed to seem healthy even if the producer is cutting every possible corner to make as much money as cheaply as possible. with how prominent that is, you should look closely at the actual amounts of nutrition in the things you eat and drink)",Depression +47353,What's the science behind it? Why is tiredness and not having any energy a symptom of depression? Like what is going on behind this? All of a sudden a wave comes along and instantly you need to sleep and then hours later you wake up but of course never actually feel rested. So why?,Depression +47354,"venting I need to submit a 4-page paper in the next 4 hours, otherwise, I would fail my class. but instead, I'm here to vent about how much I hate life in general and in particular and in every way possible. + +but mostly, I hate me. This paper, for example, was due on Monday. it is Friday and I still haven't written a single page. and no, I wasn't busy. I was just being my procrastinating self. it is also 4 am and idk if I can have the energy to type anything down. + +Oh and also, this is not the first time this happened. I ALWAYS do this whenever I have a deadline coming up. always leaving things till the very last minute and always ending up doing a shitty job because of that. + +now, my problem with life isn't really about my inability to submit assignments on time, it is more about how fucked up I am as a person. whenever I fail to perform any form of task normally, I would get drowned in thoughts wondering why I am the way I am. + +all I do is cry myself to sleep, stress eat and procrastinate. like that's literally my cycle of life. + +Feeling shitty about my lack of disciple quickly becomes feeling shitty about the lack of love in my life, and how I have the shittiest parents who neither wanted me to exist nor knew how to love me. and how I at this 22 years of age, have not experienced a single moment of love with anyone ever, and how I am so touch deprived and how much pain I feel on a regular basis. + +this. mfing. pain. I never thought that being very mentally fucked would result in me feeling physically hurt from how much mental load I'm carrying? + +like as if a fucked up brain and a none existing self-esteem and self-worth are not enough... + +anywaysss, wasted enough time here. imma go submit whatever the fuck I can and put myself into a coma for the weekend so I don't feel a thing, I hope. + +no but wait I just remembered how I am also incapable of finding peace in my own dreams lmfao. + +whateverrr...",Depression +47355,"No reasons to be unhappy yet I am Had depression ages ago and I think it's creeping back, although it doesn't feel as severe as it was last time. Before it was work stress, this time there's really not anything. + +The hardest part for me right now is I don't have any reason to be unhappy, nothing I can really point to and say this is making me feel like crap, and that makes me like a bratty little B crying and complaining + +There's nothing really to talk to others about because again, there's nothing that I'd even remotely describe as saddening or upsetting. + +Now I'm stuck being frustrated, pissed, and sad a lot of the time which makes me feel even more bratty and cannot break the cycle. + +Anyone on the same boat or have been on the same boat that don't mind sharing how to get out?",Depression +47356,"I'm so sick of everything. I hate waking up. I hate remembering everything. I hate this stupid ass town i live in, and most of all I hate myself. I wake up in the morning and i'm fine for about 3 seconds until i remember all the shit i have to deal with. I have absolutely nobody who loves me and every relationship i've ever had has failed. I think i might just kill myself..",Depression +47357,"I fucked up. 2nd car accident in 90 days. I've been off my meds for a few months waiting for my health insurance to kick in. Finally get it on and I had to wait 2 months until April. They're so backed up. January I got rammed by a lady who tried to rush a yellow. + +Tonight, I was going down the road at 38mph in a 40 zone, and the truck behind me kicked in his high Beams. The car ahead of me was about 5 car lengths up and decided to stop to turn and I didn't see it because I was being blinded by the bat signal behind me and I was trying to fiddle with the anti glare mirror. He stopped, no turn signal or any reason why, but I fucked up and slammed on my brakes. Hit him. I already had one set back this year. No collision coverage. I do for this one but I borrowed money to buy this car. + +I hoped I was going to die but all I have is bruised ribs that might be broken. Tempted to not go to the doctors to get it looked at and hope it kills me.",Depression +47358,"I’m tired I hate working. I can only get jobs in the serving industry & I hate it. I don’t want to go back to fast food, but a retail store would be nice. Although I always get denied. +I broke last week & quit both my jobs in the same day w no savings. +I have no friends. No family. +Thinking of just selling all my furniture, paying my last month’s rent & living in my car. +Idk what to do about car payments tho. If I can’t find a job I that won’t make me miserable by the time it’s May 1st. I’ll pretty much off myself. My lease ends April 31st. +I am just too depressed & I’ve been feeling 💀 a little too strongly lately. I feel lost. I feel like I kinda fucked myself over for a reason. +But also I couldn’t stop crying during shifts or get told I look like I just woke up even though I had so much makeup to try to cover up looking so sick & sad.",Depression +47359,I can’t handle the emotional ping pong of feeling semi okay during the day then severely depressed at night i don’t feel too bad when i’m out in the day or just around people but I live alone so when I go home I end up not being able to distract myself and most of my friends are away on a trip so I don’t have anyone,Depression +47360,"Haha realization but not?? Depression is nothing new to me. I came across a TikTok giving everyday reasons why I should stay alive “who is going to eat that chicken.. wait until you’ve done this.. experienced that..” + +I just realized I unconsciously think about this all the time in the sense that I live each day like it’s almost the last in a resigned manner. Almost as if I know an impending vacation is coming.. like any day coming up I’m prepared to be gone. strange to describe and put into words but let me give an example. I always make sure to have enough money to cover any debts, remaining rent, and cost of funerals, etc. I’m not even that old (19) and don’t own many things - I never shop for wants only needs - but this has been ingrained in my mind somehow. I wake up each day and think if I got in a car accident what things I would need to make sure is taken care of, like what things in the fridge would rot, whether the trash is taken out, whether I need to vacuum soon or if there’s dirty laundry. I just don’t want anything regarding me and my life to be an inconvenience or troublesome for anyone else after I’ve passed. I always make sure to be on good terms with people after a conversation, i.e. never leave an argumentative interaction with someone unresolved. My things are all boxed up and very easy to just be thrown away when the time comes. Don’t really keep extra things that need sorting or memorabilia/souvenirs, only the necessities. Even grocery shopping I really only buy enough to eat to survive. I’ve really distanced myself from my relationships so there’s not really many people that would even notice I’m gone. + +I’m passed the point of active ideation but always wish I was and will be gone soon. All these social media posts talking about how there’s all these things more to experience or wish for don’t mean shit to me anymore. I literally don’t care and have no regrets. No regrets as in I have accepted the fact that I won’t experience them and I’m ok with that. Or regarding “good” experiences in life - like sunsets or whatever else - I’m of the perspective - I’ve experienced that, nice. But worth staying? Nah. + +Weird rant, poor articulation but does anyone else feel this way?? Idk I just find it ‘funny interesting’ that I never truly realized this, the involuntary actions of everyday",Depression +47361,"Worried about my life and future + +I (28m) have been suffering from depression since childhood when I was 15. I was diagnosed with OCD and depression/anxiety by doctors and had been taking fluoxetine regularly. I was good for last couple of years. Then I went to Australia for my further master’s studies from my home country and it started reoccurring again. I started feeling lonely and the suicidal thoughts started again. I could not get it out of my head at any time. So, I returned to home country after I thought I could not take too much. After consulting doctors I got medicine change. Now I am worried if I should go back or not. I am too scared to go back there now. I think I will eventually commit suicide one day or another. My family has invested money and want me to go there but I am unsure if I will be good there. What can I do in this situation? Please help",Depression +47362,"my ex got engaged and I feel miserable I have been battling depression since 2019 for various reason, and I started to feel better recently and I was actually on my way to reduce my anti-depressants in order to stop them, but week ago I heard about my ex getting engaged and I started to feel like shit, it is not because I love her or anything, I am so angry inside because I think her and her family doesn't deserve happiness after what they did to me and I don't know what to do, I have been seeking peace of mind for over a week, I started to think about things I stopped thinking about long time ago, like life, religion, reality and death which they used me to question why am I alive and why I can't feel happy, I have supporting family and a good job, I just feel like fainting all the time, I even did many medical tests and the results were all normal, I am just sick of this feeling and I don't know what to do",Depression +47363,"Is long term happiness possible When I really think about it, I’ve never really had any long period of happiness within my life. I’ve tried so many things that I thought would make me happy. I’ve tried therapy, antidepressants and so many other things. I certainly don’t have a bad life, but still, I’ve never been happy for more than fleeting moments. The happiest I’ve ever been is in a relationship I had, but I just became reliant on her for my happiness which just caused it to fail and leave me worst than ever. It feels like I couldn’t even find that again even if I tried. I just truly don’t know what to do anymore. Am I just fucked up?",Depression +47364,"My life is going into shambles now I (23M) was having a pretty good day but now i got a depressive episode and nothing helps. I tried to do all the things that helped me through the years like videogames and music but now i just feel sad. + +I dont know how to go on with this shitty life i made for myself. Left university like 1 or 2 years ago due to financial problems and a general lack of interest and motivation on anything. I dont have a job due to an unexplainable fear or something. I just feel like i cant and wont search for a job or something to study. + +Now i survive with money i saved from holidays and whatever i can get from my parents. I live with my mom and cook for us. My dad left but still talks with us and sometimes gives me money or buys me stuff. + +Now my mother wants to go to germany with my sister and send me there or any european country to get a job or a degree. I always tell her i will look into it just to search 5 minutes and forget about it. I really dont think my depression will magically dissapear going somewhere alone. I already had several trips and no matter where i go i always feel like shit. + +My friends talk to me about getting a job or going to the gym and other stuff but it just bothers me sometimes. In my birthday my friends girlfriend said she would want to adopt me and for a second i was ready to accept and move along. Obviously it was a joke so i laughed it off and joked that if that happens i would be more a pet than a roommate due to my low costs of living. We laughed but from time to time a life like that really seems like a dream. + +To just live like a cat and have my basic care covered while doing whatever is the only life i aspire to because i dont do shit. Even now it wouldnt be much of a change from my daily routine thats basically wake up, cook lunch, eat with my mom, spend almost all day on my pc and going on my phone until i fall sleep. Somedays there are other things like going to the store or hanging out with friends. + +I dont know why im posting here, just to rant really and feel like internet people care about this shit because i sure as hell dont. Or at least not enough to do something about my situation. I just feel tired and sad and like a massive shit and like i could do more but i dont know what. I just feel hopeless and say it is what it is and move on but i dont know how long i can do this.",Depression +47365,"I’m just lazy I deserve to feel this way because of it. I’m the most useless form of life. I deserve contempt. + +Can’t do. Won’t do. What’s the difference?",Depression +47366,"Undeserving of a relationship I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels undeserving of a relationship. My thinking is that it just wouldn't be fair to whoever chose to go out with me, you know? I don't think I could face them when I get so bad that I can't even get out of bed, they shouldn't have to deal with me. I wouldn't want them to look at me differently. I don't even talk to my friends about how depression gets me feeling, because I'm afraid they'll see me differently too. They don't deserve to have to listen to me drone on. I don't even know how to explain how I feel to them, the few times I tried. How do you all open up about it to others? Is it even worth confiding in friends? Even though they do care, what good will it do?",Depression +47367,Dull Food doesn't taste as good anymorre. Colors aren't as bright. Little things that use to at least bring me some small pleasure just don't do it anymore. All the hobbies and activities that brought me joy and satisfaction don't seem worth doing. This is just my life now and I feel powerless to bring the light back to my life.,Depression +47368,"Alone as always. Going to be my last week of living. + + + +Going to be my last week of living. Can’t be bothered if everything I do and people don’t stay.. Gonna head to this cliff I know in the morning and jump. Can’t be bothered anymore. +Been dwelling on my predicament since I was 16. Bullied, ugly, no friends and autistic complete loner. Year ahead went by still the same but found someone honline suppose not talking to anyone irl dew to social anxiety and self hatred left me in a pit of disappear suicide ideation what I did a few time 1 almost fatal. Saw how my family reacted so I continue till I’m here. They are enjoying life and I still feel out of place. I’ve given it time and tried no one stays nor can I find a reason too. Gonna head to this cliff I know in the morning and jump. Can’t be bothered anymore.",Depression +47369,Meds Feel Useless What's the point of medication if the slightest thing can STILL trigger a major depressive episode with suicidal ideation? What's the fucking point?,Depression +47370,"What is this, what is it You can’t help me. You can, but you can’t. You could care, so you can help me. But you won’t, so you can’t. + +I see that now. I was hoping someone would not come and fix everything for me but that they would care. I tried it all, I tried caring so that maybe someone would too. I tried not to expect anything back and I did that but when things got rough and I cried for help, no one was there. People would only take from me, and now that I’m kind of empty, with nothing left to give, no one’s there. + +But only kind of. It’s not so bad that I can’t see a light at the end or that I’ll never smile again. It’s that I’ll probably never get the only thing I ever craved for. That’s terrible actually but I don’t know, shit has a way of always getting worse than it is. + +While that undoubtedly sucks, life is about more than that for me. I’m not down 24/7, thank the Lord, so I can’t act like my life is over. Get me not wrong, sometimes it stings really awfully and for long periods too. But there’s an entire world out there beyond my own personal lil one that is fascinating, to use one word to describe life. + +I should go back in my head. It was always great every time, I would be my own patter in the back and it worked, it works, because I never let myself down in the sense that I always care. + +And it’s not like I want to be babied around either. May not seem like it but I’m a strong person inside, I don’t go down easy and every time I do I never stay there longer than necessary. But even the strongest need a helping hand every now and then and I’ve never had that, not genuinely. + +Now is one of those times. And what I needed now isn’t even that big a deal. Just someone who would listen and understand. You’d think that wouldn’t be so hard to find. + +Anyway. C’est la vie, cheries. I want to go back and fix myself by myself like I’ve always done but not come back this time. It was only when I came back and hoped that I got bit in the ass. Every single time. But no longer. + +I’m smart enough to understand and to move on and to focus elsewhere and to do so many other things this world has to offer that fulfill me. One of the best lessons I learned in life was how to take the L. Accept it, let it go and carry on. + +Here’s to hoping",Depression +47371,When it rains I go on a long walk so that I know what tears would feel like running down my face. That is all. I hate all of this.,Depression +47372,"I challenge you to make me cry. I have been feeling for a few days, almost weeks now that I need a cry. And for some reason or another, I just can’t. I’ve watched all the common videos, those Thai commercials and the last ten minutes with the dog. NOTHING is working. Help",Depression +47373,"I'm 65% away to committing suicide I am autistic and noise sensitive, my mum kicked me out of the house for punching a wall and banister and that just made me wanna commit suicide.",Depression +47374,"Need some advice For the last two years I,ve been in a state of frustration in which I can’t seem to get out of. I feel like a live in a backwards culture that doesn’t care or give two shits about intimacy and relationships. Before COVID, I had a shot/ opportunity to get in a arranged marriage because certain conditions were available. ( Please, Do not bring up dating because it’s not a thing where I’m from). But after COVID, every thing that I planned for got screwed over, and now parents refuse to arrange a marriage until I graduate. + +To be in a relationship early on in my life was never negotiable thing for me. I have lost interest in literally everything I used to find enjoyable. Tv shows, Gaming, Connecting with friends , you name it. I also stopped having conversations with my parents. + +The only thing as of recently I,ve been doing, Is take a shit load of courses/credit hours and spend 90% of my time just focusing, planing, and revising how I could be done with this with least time possible. I’m CE Major, and I,ve been powering through it all. But , I,ve been also worried how being In this state for too long would affect me in the future. + +My routine is study, sleep, eat, occasionally go to the gym. But that’s it. I barely connect and talk with anyone.",Depression +47375,"i'm depressed because i'm single i'm near 30 and never had a girlfriend, last week a girl kissed me and the next day all my depression went away. I had energy again to clean the house, i felt that my spirit is smiling and the world is not a scary place anymore. the girl didn't wanna have a second date so the depression came back after the feeling of the kiss is over and now i feel like my soul is a zombie suffocating and trying to grasp some air to continue breathing and stay floating in this universe for a while longer.",Depression +47376,"My depression room got infested with carpet beetles, probably because I left clothes on the floor for weeks and I don’t know what to do I don’t have the worst depression room but I let clutter, especially clothes build up on the desks and floor. I also struggle a lot with things like regularly changing out my sheets and blankets which definitely didn’t help. A couple days ago I saw a little bug crawling on my blanket. The last few days I’ve been finding more of them- another one on my bed, a few on my walls, my windowsill, in my closet, on the floor. I’ve been hypervigilantly looking for them at this point and changed all my bedding as well as finally washing some clothes but I think the damage is done. + +Because of the clutter, my room is filled with dust, especially in a few specific places, and I’m fucking terrified of what I could find there, especially under my furniture. But obviously I must already have an infestation. I’m scared to do ANYTHING in my room now because I know I’ll find more. My clothes that I couldn’t fit in the first wash round is still on the floor and I’m terrified to touch it because I feel like it’s crawling with bugs. + +I’m also guessing they’ve been there for way longer than I realize, so I don’t even know how long bugs have literally been crawling around in my bed with me. I was waiting for the day my room would get bugs and I’m guessing it happened recently because my parents stopped being on me much about cleaning my room after I turned 18. + +I’m planning to just suck up the shame and ask my dad to help me look and deal with the disappointment but I have to wait a week for him to come back from a trip. In the meantime I have no idea what to do because I feel like they’ll keep multiplying. Even starting to think about vacuuming and deep cleaning is overwhelming. Where do I even start???? Fuck",Depression +47377,Practice self love We tend to be self critical and it can really distort our image of ourselves,Depression +47378,"I don't care to live anymore, and I haven't seen a point to it for a long time This may turn into a ramble and be somewhat disjointed so apologies in advance. + +I'm a 21 year old guy from the UK and I've been planning and thinking of ways to end my life since the start of the year. I've been in a dark place for as long as I can remember, never seeing a point to life when we just die in the end, been bullied since year 3 of Primary school all the way until I finished my GCSEs. From the start of 2023 I've hit the lowest I think I ever have, with little to no care for life anymore and just wishing I was dead. I've planned the typical things like hangings, thought of the overdose routes, dangerous driving, whatever I have access to I've considered what ways I could kill myself with them. + +As far as life goes I never really saw a point to it if death is just going to be the inevitable end, so why not just make it sooner? + +I cut off contact with all but 3 of my friends from secondary school shortly after finishing GCSEs, 1 of which died last year, 1 was my ex (we remained good friends, had some rough patches though) who just up and blocked me midway through last year with no explanation as to why, and the last I don't talk to all that much. I am quite an angry person from all of the bullying I've endured and most of the outbursts are often me exclaiming ""I just want to KMS/die"" and everything in relation. I have an online friend group who has often heard my outbursts but they take no notice and seemingly don't care. + +I was at college until 2020 when I completed my course, but of course COVID happened and my future plans were all thrown out the window. So I've mostly just tried to cope with that and find jobs to act as a stop-gap until I can find an opportunity in the field I want to be in, but I've lost all motivation and care for finding it. + +I always see the things of ""do something that makes you happy"" or ""find someone who will listen to you"" or whatever other bullshit people say to make you reconsider killing yourself, but none of them are useful. If anything they make me want to do it more. At this point in my life I'm nothing but a burden and a mental weight on those around me, I'm in this dark pit and quite frankly don't have the care anymore to try and get out of it since I always seem to end up back here but falling further in every time. I can't live through another cycle of this process. + +I'm done, and I think it's time I start preparing and fulfilling some of those plans I've made.",Depression +47379,"Someone to talk to and help calm me down I'm having a really, really bad episode right that is giving me a panic attack thinking I ruined something good. I just need someone to talk to. Please",Depression +47380,"Sometimes I wish they knew I’m a very lighthearted person on the outside. Joking is how I connect with others, and it’s how I cope. But inside I am miserable. It’s my own fault for not opening up to people in my life, but at the same time there’s so many reasons not to. But sometimes I wonder how my friends, coworkers, teachers, and family would react if they found out what I’m going through, if they somehow understood. I just wish someone understood me.",Depression +47381,I just want to disappear I've had depression for about 25 years now. I try working on myself and things seem to get better in a sense and I was even started talking to a female and things seem just a little brighter for a moment. That was until I found out that my best friend of 20 years now is fucking her and telling her all kinds of shit that's just outright untrue. I'm not sure if this is the right sub to post stuff like this but I just feel lost and I'm not sure what to do,Depression +47382,"checking out going to doctor to get a bottle of sleeping pills, going to crush them up in alcohol bill and frank style, get drunk and high for the last time, think of the love of my life + + +go to sleep and rest in peace",Depression +47383,"I'm a loser I am mentally ill and low iq. Everyone is so much better than me at everything. No friends, partner or family. My life is completely worthless and I definitely will not endure living 40+ years like this.",Depression +47384,Alcohol is the only thing I look forward to I can only drink on Fridays which is tomorrow and I can’t wait even tho alot of the time I have a panic attack or start crying while drunk lying on the floor crying and puking in the toilet and not being able to think is so much better than this life,Depression +47385,"Kinda thinking I have high-functioning depression? Hi. I’m a 14 year old freshman. Recently I’ve been sleeping in a lot to the point I don’t set an alarm because someone will always wake me up. Some nights I skip brushing my already disgusting teeth because I don’t have the energy for it. School has just been boring and sucky lately. A few times I get stressed or upset or don’t do good at something I seriously start thinking about whether I have a use in life or whether it’s worth it to continue living. These thoughts always go away once I’m in a better mood. Lastly, free time is never fun anymore. I’ll blank out and stuff or just not be able to relax. + +The only time I can relax is with my school friends or with my online friend. Or in bed making up stories in my head. But my online one is only available like once a day for a few minutes. + + +Is this bad? On the other hand people in my life have way more stressful lives. Plus I have really volatile emotions so I’m probably just overreacting and overthinking this. Idk. What are your thoughts?",Depression +47386,I feel like i was abandoned by all my freinds I feel like i was abandoned by all my friends,Depression +47387,"It Consumes Every moment before it’s present. Every thought before it’s thunk. Every emotion before it’s felt. Every plan before it’s made. Every goal before it’s met. It even consumes itself. It mostly consumes itself. Feeding off of itself yet never failing to sustain. + +It’s a cloud of rain reminding you that it’s ready to pour if at any moment you decide to enjoy the sun. Some days are all rain. Some days the cloud just lingers, never letting you forget that it’s there. It’s always present. It refuses to be ignored. + +It reminds you to stay locked inside so that you never end up getting caught in the rain again. It reminds you not to make plans so that you won’t become disappointed when the rain washes them away. It reminds you to be content in your small space and to be thankful that you’re protected by the safety of four walls and a roof. + +It’s suffocating but it’s safe. It’s confined but it’s familiar. There’s no room for growth but at least you’ll never get lost. + +At first, people in your life may offer you an umbrella. But you know the umbrella can never guarantee you’ll stay dry. Even when locked away inside- the rain will at times find it’s way to you. Staying inside is the best way to minimize your risk. The rain is too much. + +You can’t be disappointed by the things you never achieved if you never sought to achieve anything to begin with. You won’t have to blame yourself for being subjected to the rain if you don’t step out from under the protection of your small roof. If from time to time the rain still manages to make its way in- you can at least take comfort in knowing it was unavoidable, as you did everything you could to avoid doing anything at all. + +It multiplies. The more you think about the rain, the more clouds appear. But again, it will not be ignored. The multiplying is inevitable. The more you dread the rain, the more rain comes. The more rain comes, the more you dread the rain. It’s a never ending cycle. It multiplies itself until there’s no longer room for anything but rain clouds and one day you’ll forget there was ever anything but. + +It washes away everything that once was, everything that is and everything that will be. Every moment before it’s present, every plan before it’s made, every emotion that wasn’t born from the rain and every goal before it can be met. Serving as a constant reminder to stop expecting more than rain. Eventually you won’t even remember the sun, which in a way may makes the loss of it easier to bare. + +But while it cleanses your tiny world of everything that can be seen, heard, felt or thought- it never washes away itself. + +It’s always present. It’s impossible to ignore. You have become the rain. + +- + +I’ve never written anything like this before so I don’t know what what type of literature this would be referred to as, but I wrote this to try and describe how depression feels to me. Just thought I’d share. + +edit: typos",Depression +47388,"I was doing good, and now I’m not. This is a good week, I had a good day. And all it takes is one person to fuck it all up dude. + +I hate her, I hate her so much but I hate myself more I wish she aborted me. I wish I actually jumped out my window when I was 16. I wish I had a lighter so I could burn myself. + +It hurts because I was OKAY I did everything right, I’m getting myself together and it’s so hard because everyday I have to come home to her. + +I don’t have anyone to talk to, I don’t want to scare away anyone, I don’t want to be a problem in anyone else needs to deal with. + +I’m so tired.",Depression +47389,Today has been one of my toughest days. How do yall get through heartbreak? My love has made me feel so horrible today. I feel like part of us is missing now that I may not be able to move on from in this relationship. I really just need some kind words right now. I feel my worth to her isn't the same anymore. She says it is but her actions dont show it. Ive had a rock in my chest since I woke up 18 hours ago and cant sleep. I cant go to any of my friends right now because they will hate her. Im just feel so alone in this.,Depression +47390,"Im not enjoying things anymore even though I should be feeling great Hey I’m not sure if anything is actually wrong with me prolly not prolly just me being extra but was wondering if anyone could help me figure out if there is?I have been feeling kinda driftless?Ive begun to not really enjoy things anymore and not feel happy doing things?I don’t enjoy videogames,Youtube,Tictok,fuck I don’t even enjoy talking to my girlfriend anymore.I should be happy asf Im buff and getting buffer,I’m growing my hair out and it looks awesome,I have a 4.0 and im basically sleeping through those classes,and im in a really good intimate relationship.But for some reason im just not enjoying anything im not sad per say just not happy it feels like the days are just going by and im just going through the motions",Depression +47391,"i have no future. what's the point of living? 16f soon to be 17. mom's a schizo, dad's not present, parents are divorced and are both narcissists + +i'm homeless because my mom believes she doesn't need a job because the king/prince of dubai is her soulmate and she'll be a millionaire soon ?????? i can't get a job either because she moves onto the next location every time i mention it. we hop from campground to couch to car to hotel and it's been this way for 6 years but her psych has deteriorated over time + +barely made it through high school. i still haven't taken my 11th grade exam even though it's due soon. i haven't actually studied in years because i've had too much shit going on to focus. i did online school from 6th grade to 9th grade and have been fully homeschooled since. my brain's turned to mush. i failed every subject besides science and history so now my grades are too low to get into college. i also can't attend college because it's too much money. we literally have like 60 dollars in the bank bc someone lended it to us but it's gonna be gone soon cause my mom blows it on shit we don't need + +i don't have any friends. or have anyone to talk to for that matter. i've never had an irl friend and it's been a year since i had an online friend. she has really strict rules around socialization and going outside. i'm watched like a hawk. i don't go outside unless my mom is right by my side but my dilemma is that i genuinely hate being around her because she's obnoxious and rude to everyone, but it's also my only opportunity to be part of the world instead of rotting alone inside all day. not like i get the chance to very often because she's lazy af and doesn't even like going on walks or going inside stores. she just orders things. the most i'll go outside is to walk to the bathroom across from our cabin or walk out to the car + +i'm always bored and lonely, have been my whole life basically, and it's resulted in me being completely apathetic towards everything. it's agonizing to say the least. i always feel empty and disconnected from my body and the world. the only thing that makes me feel good is maladaptive daydreaming but it's not reality. each time i accept that it's not reality i spiral further down and it feels like my head is physically ripping apart + +my mom does so much more shit i won't even get into + +cps is shit. cops are shit. both have done nothing but ridicule me. ruled my case as lies somehow. they shattered the only spirit i had left thinking that things would get better. nobody cares. i had one relative i could turn to and they said they'd arrest both him and me if i tried to stay with him + +i can't just leave because i don't have any resources, nowhere to stay, no money, no direction, etc and i'll probably get arrested this time + +i'm fighting for a life spent alone, in poverty, depressed, and being controlled. i don't see the point. suicide really does seem like a sweet prize i've earned after all this mess",Depression +47392,"Nothing to live for. I have no where else to go. No one else to talk to. I have nothing. I wake up to work for my dad who abuses me daily and degrades me consistently but I’m trapped. I can’t leave, I can’t disappoint him. Day after day I’m trying my hardest to just survive. I’m not living anymore. Each day is another battle where the goal is to make it to the end. I don’t “live” anymore. My girlfriend has been hiding shit from me and lying to me and I’m such a coward and so lonely I can’t leave her. I try my absolute hardest to take her out do nice things care for her and I get treated like shit in return. I dragged her from her lowest point of binge drinking and self harm into a confident, hardworking girl who had goals. 2 and a half years of putting her before me for her to hangout with guys behind my back. I have no friends. My “bestfriend” I would talk to for years before anyone liked him or talked to him when everyone just hated him. Then finally he gets some other friends and he talks shit behind my back and tries to convince my girl to break up with me. Multiple times and she just lets it go on. My life isn’t valuable to no one else so why should it be worth something to me. The only person keeping me in this world is my mother who is the only one to always care about me and protect me. she’s my guardian angel always looking after me. And I’ve tried to be the best kid I could for her. No drinking no smoking no drugs nothing like that to waste the hard work that she has put into me. If you have read this fair you’ve done more than 90% of people in my life so thank you. I hope you all are having a good day",Depression +47393,Disassociation Can please anyone help me I feel so bad like I want to feel alive so bad please if you are reading this and you have mental illness and you want to use weed to get rid of it please don’t it will make it so much worse I took 700 mg of edibles a couple years ago and I still don’t feel normal like I think it made it worse get away from drugs if you have depression it will make it so bad please don’t do it I don’t want anyone to feel this way please if I can help one person not go through dissaociatikn don’t do it,Depression +47394,"How long until I stop caring again? New life update: started new job.. Its way better than my last one and pays a dollar more but it definitely has its own cons like my schedule completely ruining my sleep… Aside from the job… +Im miserable…. Im lonely….. & I dont know what in doing with my life…. +How long until the people I work with and the regular customers I deal with realize im just a sad, cranky, corrupt mf? This facade takes energy… My room/apt is cleaner than its been since forever, im eating a bit better.. brushing my teeth again, showering daily… But I still feel sad… How long can I keep this bs act up???",Depression +47395,Am I depressed because I don't wanna escape from it ? It feel like an excuse for sure,Depression +47396,"Suicidal thoughts won’t stop creeping in and I feel I may put myself in real danger. Tonight I (f29) drove 85mph in a 35 zone and kept digging into the gas pedal in the pouring rain until I came to my senses and decided to slow down. I know this road well so I knew many sharp corners were coming my way and that going that fast may actually kill me and I may very well topple my top heavy SUV over. + +I want to live but I don’t have any will left in me either. I have chronic illness which prevents me from working, I feel useless. A burden to my family, society and am constantly judged because I don’t “look sick”. Besides this incident tonight I dream of finally ending it all, daydream about it. Think about it constantly. It scared me. I haven’t been in this dark of a place in roughly 18 years. + +I’m afraid to seek more help. I don’t want to get “locked up”. + +Help…",Depression +47397,"I'm going to try No, I don't really think I'm going to get better. I'm probably going to end up offing myself either way. But at least I can die knowing I tried.",Depression +47398,"I’ve written this four times If it wasn’t for the fact that my dog has to use the bathroom I would stay in bed all day and not do anything. + +I’ve made so many mistakes in this last year that I don’t know if I can recover. I just used my CashApp as my primary bank for a job I just got because my bank account was closed months ago. + +I have a whole month of my life gone because I had to have an emergency surgery that didn’t heal properly and the meds fucked me up so bad that I’m still not right mentally. + +I’ve lost so many friends and family members because I wanted to live my life how I wanted to. I went back to my childhood home, to the people who adopted me and raised me, after two years of not seeing them for many reason just to see my pictures removed from the walls. I don’t feel wanted anywhere. + +The only real friends I have left are online gaming friends that live in other countries. I have no one around me anymore. I am alone. I hate it. I had everything. Now I’m nothing.",Depression +47399,"On my 21st birthday I’m killing myself Everything in the world is grey and dull. My lows are low while I never have any highs in life, no matter what I try I genuinely can’t feel happy. I’ve gotten to the point where I just think I cant, I find myself questioning what I’ve done to deserve to feel this way. How I’ve slighted god in some way to put me through this daily mental torment. There’s so much anger, so much sadness and pain within me. All I want is a friend, maybe even someone to love. Since elementary school I’ve been heavily bullied, that accompanied with my anti social nature and depression and I ended up being an outcast all throughout school. I thought things would get better when I graduated, I thought I’d be entering a new bigger world that would give me opportunities to meet new people and finally make memories I can look back on fondly. I wish I still had that ignorant bliss as it was the one of the few times I’ve felt hope. But I see now that I had only convinced myself that was the case, the world in reality is just a cold dark place that doesn’t care about you with no one who will care about you in it. I’ve made a deal with myself that if things don’t get better by the time I turn 21, then I don’t want to live anymore. As of today I’ve got 389 days left, I’m not going to change my mind on this. I’d rather be dead than live a miserable life",Depression +47400,"Pointless living and nothing will get better I'm 32M and have been dealing non-fixable problems for a long time. I've seen that extended family is pretty much an arseholes and there's a tipping point where my life changed because of that. + +* At the end of Uni i realised one thing; i feel like i picked a wrong subject. That's the time that i realised that working in IT back in my birth country, i won't achieve anything or can afford anything by myself. +At the same time, i realised and considered my existence in this life. I feel nobody could hear my voice, nobody cares, and so on. +* Graduated, i ended up couldn't find a job for years. Literally years. +I had only two jobs: one for 6 months and another for 1 month. I never and even up until today, feel proud that i worked there. I feel like it's just necessity to do something for money/living. +That's from i graduated in 2012/2013 to 2018. +Years of sending CVs and interviews, none of them stick around. +* During that 5-6 years, another major event happened to me and my parents. +I realised that working in family is a BIG RED WARNING because how they can treat you bad since you're ""Family"". That's what happened to my dad. +He lost his job because he and my mom tried to give a reasonable opinion towards my Uncle's son; their nephew. +Huge debate and my parents ended up losing the job. That moment is a tipping point for me. +I had huge anxiety issue and major depression. I went deep down the rabbit hole and i have no point of living anymore +* Until i got an opportunity to move country by myself for study and got a job in IT industry. +For a slight moment, i feel better in my life but it went and still goes back to my depression + +&#x200B; + +From here, this is the present problem that i have: + +* Due to losing a job from his brother and being an older people (in my country), my dad doesn't have any income at all. I have to ""support"" them just for the sake being ""a son should help their parents' or anything about ""Family should support each other"" +* Due to my depression, i got a suggestion from counsellor that helping people might help me slowly. Oh boy it's a very very wrong advice. +I ended up losing lots and lots of money helping someone just to get on their feet and still didn't help. +* I can't even afford to rent place. House pricing is ridiculous, that includes living cost crisis that happened anywhere around the world. +Having flatmates is a nightmare. I even tried to sacrifice what i do regularly so they can have things they want like quieter place, have their freedom, etc. + +But all of them back to the reason why i created this post: + +I'm tired living like this. This issue never ends and the only solution is pretty much having enough or lots of money. +People just don't care what i've been through and nobody wants to help me as well. +Family, friends, all of them are just arseholes. + +Sometimes i wish they're gone. Like literally gone or die. +My parents and everybody else in this world. +If it doesn't allow, i just wish i'm dead. Never wake up anymore in the morning. +I already wish the same thing every night. I feel done and i'm actually done both physically and mentally. +Stress, feeling sick all the time, i sleep through the weekend and still feeling tired, i have no friends and nobody, Losing money means i have money problem as well, and nothing's good anymore in my life. + + +I have made peace with death. +Living is a thing that scared me the most.",Depression +47401,I don’t know what to do I just want to stop hurting Everyone always leaves in my life wether it’s friends or girlfriends and I understand why. I try to be the most kind person I can be and everyone treats me like shit. I then try to stand up for myself and now have nobody. And now everyday I’m in constant conflict with myself trying to figure out if I’m just pushing them away. But i can even ask anyone because I have no friends. I don’t know if it’s because I’m ugly because a lot of girls i meet we have a sexual or romantic encounters but they always make things just friends. I started to think maybe I deserve being alone for like a past life or something idk. I’m just looking for friends i guess and this is a desperate attempt sorry for taking up your time if this is too much. Have a good one,Depression +47402,"I'm trying I'm trying. Everyday.i started to drink a little tonight, and I began to remember pain. Pain that I'm trying to suppress. Pain that im scared to see and look at. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying every day not to break ,but it's getting hard tonight. The truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of death. I'm scared of the future. I'm terrified of myself. I look in a mirror, and I'm disappointed, disgusted, and I hate who I am. I only poor my heart out here cause I'm too much of a pussy to do it to anyone. I can't. It's a hard night tonight. I'm sorry.",Depression +47403,"I fucking hate the way I feel about her and everything I fucking hate all of this shit, I literally couldn’t give a shit if she breaks up with me. Is it so fucking hard too atleast spare some time to your boyfriend for a hug??? Maybe just going out once in a while?? What’s the point of you wanting to be with me if you’re gonna just keep pushing our plans back over and over. Am I that fucking embarrassing to be around? Am I ugly? I workout to maintain a physique In hopes you find me even more attractive but I feel uglier than ever now. JUST END THINGS WITH ME ALREADY I literally don’t care anymore but I can’t just break up with you because I fucking love you and I hate being alone so much. You call me your love, you call me your man but I just feel like that one fucking friend that no one wants to make plans with. You say I make you the happiest you’ve ever been but we haven’t even been on a date yet. You say you’ve never felt the way you do about anyone else but you can’t even spare 5 minutes after school to atleast hug me? I want to love you so much and I want to give you all the attention you deserve. I want to keep looking into your eyes and having those weird feelings whenever we have nothing to say. You know how much I fucking love you and how much you mean to me. but its cutting into my fucking heart that you would rather keep this relationship more through text than have something more connecting like in person. you reading this, am I fucking selfish for wanting to be loved for atleast 5 minutes? Am i selfish to want to keep a connection with someone who everyday tells me how much they love me? I fucking hate this shit so much.",Depression +47404,I really want to cry But I just can’t physically do it at the moment. I have so many things going on and I am so overwhelmed. I just want to cry myself to sleep but instead of tears I get snot in my nose. It’s like all my tears accumulated in my nose. It’s so annoying. I just want a good cry.,Depression +47405,Having weird thoughts I'd share (don't worry not suicidal) Do you ever have that weird feeling where you just have that fear of getting to attached to someone or something? Like you get this thrill like yes finally something good happened but then in the back of your mind your just scared of something bad happening before you know you'll screw it up or something bad will always repeat? I found out I'm moving again and I've lost track how many times I've moved and I recently got this job a few months ago and I am in love with it and I'm scared that I don't find anything similar to it when I move and another thing I'm just scared to lose the people I'm close too all over again. It seems like it's always like that the people I love the most go the farthest away. I've lost a of people in my life and opportunities and I'm scared this is another one of those things. I wish I had a place called home where I can settle and do what I love with the people I love. Sorry for the vent I just needed to let it out I guess.,Depression +47406,I’ll never be happy. But I’d like to be able to pretend one day. I can’t even lie to myself about that.,Depression +47407,Everyday I just want to cry and disappear from this world Everytime I wake up I want to cry for a long time and run away and never come back,Depression +47408,feels like there's a brick in my chest and brain i don't want to do this anymore. just want to die.,Depression +47409,"I'm suicidal and it's not emotional or anything, it's just an option to me that I see myself taking So numb it just feels like any other daily task, like taking a shower or washing dishes or whatever. I've come close to it but just decided to watch youtube or something else that is more fun, get to it later. I say I'll get to most things later. + +I don't have a future, I don't want to explain it fully because I have a thousand times, I just don't. I don't got family like other people, I will be pulled out of school eventually, I'm gonna be in foster care starting within this year, I have a lot of trauma and life long medical problems. I feel like an animal that should be euthanized already. I am in constant suffer. My autism is a large factor. I do try to be happy, it is something I want. I also want to feel sad because it means I cared enough about something to become sad over it, right now I feel nothin. I wish hope would drive me, but there's no use in hoping in my situation. + +Trying though. Practicing good hygiene, my acne is clearing up, taking breaks from school when needed, good dose for my pills, puzzles, sports, etcetera. Might improve, so far nothing unfortunately. Rather die than waste all this time and money",Depression +47410,"Not gonna kill myself but want to. Pretty much that, am homeless, I'm a shelter just getting by, want to kill myself half the time but also want to carry on and see what I can do from here.",Depression +47411,"Weird suicide thoughts I’m severely suicidal and do self-harm almost everyday. Only on one part of the body so even if I have band aid on it all the time, it won’t look as weird if I have several. + +But what I want to share when I think about killing myself, the first thing that comes to my mind is how it would inconvenience everyone around me. I don’t have much people who actually love me, like close to zero. But I still think about how it would be a hassle for them to like ship my body since I live far away from my immediate family. + +The second thing that comes to my mind is its absolutism and irreversibility. I’m an atheist and I think when I’m gone, I have nowhere to go. I’ll just stop existing. No heaven to watch how they will react or if they will miss me or think of me at least. + +I hope I get the courage I need soon to end it all and when I get that courage, I’m pretty sure I’ll be happy to go.",Depression +47412,"I feel lazy but I’m not I don’t know what to do, all I want to do is sleep and cry but I can’t cry because I’m on meds and I feel numb and deppressed all at once I’m an 18 year old girl I’m in my senior year of highschool taking a college class at my community college and my emt at another college while working. It’s so much I don’t know what to do. I don’t do my homework tell last second I sleep all day. I skip school to sleep, I call out of work because I just can’t get out of bed. I’ve failed two classes this year and im not close to graduating. I’ve been lying to my mom about skipping school, work, doctors appointments etc. I need help and I don’t know what to do. I just feel like a lazy piece of shit but I know there’s something else causing it and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Eveyones talks about how busy I am and how great it is and in reality I do nothing I have no friends im so alone it hurts. I don’t know why. I don’t wanna kms or hurt myself but I don’t want to be here either. I can’t tell anyone this because no one understands I hate that my brain is so broken I wish it was just normal I wanna be normal",Depression +47413,depression making you sick is your depression starting to affecting you a lot psychically like headaches. Nauseous and dizzy?,Depression +47414,"Feel finished Feel done with life, will sleep and get past it, but it's all a slog",Depression +47415,Never got to get a chance I recently ended a relationship and I’ve been back on the tinder and matched with a guy I was interested in we had a date planned but weather ruined our plans so we rescheduled but had to move the date again as he was busy finally message him after like 4 days off the face of the earth and arranged a new date which was for tomorrow I was excited to finally meet this guy so I message him today to make sure plans are still good and he tells me he got a girlfriend it happened last night so now I’m just upset I also am seeing someone else but I’m still bummed I never got the chance I’ll still be able to meet him as friends but not what I wanted lol I just wanted to vent feel free to laugh at me 🤣,Depression +47416,"Loss of sleep Everyday I feel exhausted and drained, absolutely gutted. When I get home I try my hardest to get stuff done but eventually my energy levels catch up with me and I go to bed. I always am on the brink of total blissful sleep but always a small peep or a creek or something immediately shatters it. It causes me to become enraged, literally enraged. I feel my heartbeat skyrocket and I’m immediately ready to fight to the death with whatever entity is in my way. I don’t know why this happens to me, everyday I pray for sleep, everyday I come close, everyday it doesn’t happen. I think it enrages me because I know I’ve lost, it’s over. I’m not sleeping tonight. I’m so close to trying to get ahold of sleeping pills, I told myself I’d never rely on any sort of medication since my father was an extremely drug addicted man, but idk what else to do. I literally cannot catch a good nights sleep",Depression +47417,"I cant go on like this I've had depression and anxiety for 10 years now (im 23) and I'm starting to lose all hope. Ive never felt so hopeless I literally have no faith left and its scary. I dont feel like I'm ever going to get better and can't see a future for myself. Im at the point where I've just accepted that this is how its gonna be, and I'm not strong enough to get myself out of this. Its draining. Ive tried so hard over the years to get better but it hasnt worked and I feel like I just keep getting worse. I give up. My brain is confused and my body is in pain. I cant go on like this.",Depression +47418,"Improving energy? I feel so insanely tired all the time and I can't do anything, has anyone figured out a way to help with this?",Depression +47419,"no expectations After all these uears I am still the same person. What's the point of having expectations. There's no hope for me. I'm a shitty human being, I'm weak, i'm stupid, I'm useless. Maybe I shouldn't have been born. I feel like a mistake. I'm tired of being me. I wish it was different.",Depression +47420,"i wish death would come depressed, lonely, and everything feels pointless. wish i could go to sleep and not wake up",Depression +47421,"I feel like I’m driving on a highway and I wouldn’t care if I steered too much and crashed I’m just living. I’m not constantly stressed or anxious anymore, but I still consider suicide a lot, and I don’t know why. I do get anxious and stressed every now and then, and when I do it is pretty bad. + +I just got over a couple years of seriously shitty feeling depression that I didn’t talk to anyone about really. Therapist didn’t help, I was stressing my parents out too much, friends don’t like talking about serious topics. So I just rode it out on my own and convinced myself that those feelings don’t matter. + +Now I just feel like nothing matters. I still find joy and have good days and bad like everyone else, but I resort to wanting to kill myself whenever anything goes too wrong or I get too worried. + +I feel pretty casual about it too, like I don’t give a shit if I die at this point. I’ve lost a lot of faith in god and grown distant from my family. I tell people I’m working on myself but quite frankly I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to do in life. I guess just get to a point where I don’t have it anymore. + +The other day I was driving home after a stressful conversation with my dad, and I just kept driving past my house. I went to this road I go on every now and then to drive fast (lots of hills and not any people cause it’s a rural backroad). Also I want to clarify I can see all of the road for a mile, I wouldn’t do something if it put others in danger. Anyways back to complaining about myself. + +I was driving my usual path, and I was actually considering swerving into a tree. I was honestly losing my shit, crying hard for the first time in a while over lots of thoughts, while also happy doing what I love. I only stayed on the road because of my parents and knowing how hard their lives with depression have been. I can’t purposefully crash my car and have them live with that. + +But the way things are going I don’t know. I’m just driving towards my death. I’m just living.",Depression +47422,Graduated high school loss of hope. Graduating high school has made me confront my mortality and the fact that I am trapped to live. A loss of hope when you realize this is it. This is all there ever will be. Anyone else relate? how do you cope?,Depression +47423,"I’m so done bro I’ve been depressed for two years now and my boyfriend says to just take cold showers…. +He says that we was also depressed, and he got cured just by thinking “It is what it is,” taking cold showers, and realizing it was all just mental. Idk man, he must’ve gotten really lucky.. He also didn’t know that sleep was linked with depression? I’m not sure. He self-diagnosed, and it happened when he was REALLY young. Maybe around 9 or 10. I’m just venting now. His words seem a little sketchy… +Thoughts?",Depression +47424,"I’m a butdwb I’m a burden I’m a burden and a let down all I do it mess things up I’m forgetful I’m a burden I’m a burden I’m a burden all I do is mess things up I can’t say it but all I do is scream in my head about how much I fucjbuo and if +I am a constant reminder in people’s lives of pain and misery I should leave and rot away",Depression +47425,"I can’t take this pain anymore I’ve been suffering with Anxiety and depression for about 4 years now, attempted suicide several times that amounted to nothing. + +I’ve been In a very serious relationship for over a year and a half, and it suddenly came to an end when my girlfriend decided we needed a break. My mental health got in the way, I’m an overly possessive and indirectly controlling person and I know I really fucked up. + +I want to fix everything, I’m seeing her soon to hopefully smooth things over and hopefully try again. But I can’t stand the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, I don’t want anyone else in this whole world. I only lived for her. I’m terrified that someone else is already trying to take her. Because I’m nothing, I’ve got no confidence in myself, I spend every waking moment of my life thinking about her. + +I want to win her over again, I’ve written down all my thoughts and apologised for the way I acted and I’ve told her the changes I’ve made. She hasn’t seen this note I’ve written yet but I’m just terrified that she won’t let me start again. I’ve bought some flowers for her that are being delivered straight to her. + +If I can’t have her back then I’ve got no reason to be alive, I committed my entire life to her and I ruined it. What else can I do to make her love me again. I can’t stand the pain of not having her in my life. I don’t eat anymore, I don’t leave my bed. I just lay here waiting for the day we meet. And I can’t carry on without her. She’s the only reason I’m still here",Depression +47426,"I feel so alone, and no one understands or cares I don't know how to talk to people. I have tried going to bars alone, but I just sit there alone, look like even more of a moron than usual, and waste money on buying a Sprite (I really hate drinking soda anymore). + + +I really need a hug, like a long one, but I don't have anyone to hug. It really hurts, and when I try to tell that to someone in real life, it always gets swept under the rug because no one wants to deal with the fact that I'm depressed and lonely. All I do is drag people down leeching off them. + + +I know it is all my fault I'm alone, but I can't fix it. No one else can fix it either, and I know asking for help can't make that possible. The only way I will stop hurting is if I stop living. I pray every day to not wake up, and yet I still do.",Depression +47427,"Obsessed with suicide? Lately for the past 2 months I’ve been obsessing over the thought of suicide? I don’t want to die. Like I want to be happy and live. But my brain keeps telling me I have to kill myself. Like my brain literally tells me “you can’t live another day like this, you need to Jill yourself” and horrible thoughts. This makes me feel like I have to. I am seriously going insane. Yes, I have been diagnosed with pure O since age 14. I’m 25 now. +I’m prescribed 10mg of lexapro but it’s not working for shit anymore. It sucks. I miss being stable. I miss how I was a couple months ago. I’m scared. Can anyone recommended any meds I can bring up to my new psychiatrist on Monday? Thank you.",Depression +47428,I don't feel great I'm 14 and I just wanna die. I have a therapist and shes nice and all but shes doing nothing. I still wanna die. None of my friends ever wanna hang out with me and it makes me feel worse. I've been trying to act more happier if that's the problem but I don't think that's working. I'm just so tired of everything. My dream is to explore the outside and abandoned places but even if I could get out of my bed my parents would never let me get past the front door. Recently two guys at my school said I was fine and I thought that was nice but then my friend told me they were trying use me for my body. It disgusted me. I'm 14. I feel unsafe at school and at home. I know my family loves me but I feel unsafe sometimes. My parents say I dont have depression when I've literally overdoesed on meds just to sleep. They say I have too many problems. Not my fault you probably smoked while you were preg mom. I hate saying all this but its the internet and you dont know who i am. Anyways I wanna kill myself and I dunno what to do .,Depression +47429,"Working nights is killing me Anyone with me? I get home at 1am and I’m wide awake and it’s totally normal for me, I don’t mind it but it really hurts the rest of my life",Depression +47430,"I often feel like I won’t live long (21/m) like I know I’ll die early and pretty soon I had a terrible childhood (even now) my father is narcissistic alcoholic maniac who used to beat my mother and abuse us (beat us sometimes too) he still abuses my mother, there’s always a situation of chaos and sadness in family like we’re all living in a prison. (You might be thinking why don’t I just leave the house, Currently I’m in final semester of my grad degree, I don’t wanna ruin my career for these fights) as I am growing older, these things are getting hold of me and I’m becoming more and more sad, lonely, socially detached. Always thinking of how lucky I would be if I just had a easy death instead of suffering, I’m uncertain of future as well which scares me and I find death to be better choice. + +As such, i don’t have any disease but I keeps falling sick. My immune system has become weak, so i often suffer from one or other physical problem. I’m constipated always even though I take enough fiber and water still it won’t go away, my father doesn’t care about me enough to take me to docs even though he has money (he’s govt employee, so from outside we’re pretty rich, have own house, car) my small physical problems are getting worse and worse as days passing by, and I feel something is surely wrong inside me and if I get tested something big will surely come up, thinking of these phenomena, I always feel depressed and near death.",Depression +47431,"i'm tired and i want to die Can someone give me a reason not to die? If you say something sensible, I will not commit suicide.",Depression +47432,"Sexless marriage or divorce? My wife is my best and only friend. However, we have sex about two times per year. I doubt that it will be possible for us to have children. Either I just accept that I will never again have sex, and will never have kids; or I lose my wife, derail both of our lives, and still have no guarantee of ever finding a new partner and having children. I'm leaning toward the sexless marriage. FML. + +Your thoughts?",Depression +47433,Thinking I hope when I go to bed tonight I never wake up again.,Depression +47434,"I can't feel anymore Everything seems so dark, I can't feel anything. I can't smile and I can't cry. I am turning into a robot :|",Depression +47435,I dont want to help myself I'm trying to put myself into a situation bad enough that my only option will be suicide,Depression +47436,"I guess I’m an acceptance…. Seems to be a theme hear about taking hints. A lot of these posts come in waves. +Basically don’t choose someone who didn’t choose you. If they’re fine without you in their life, then never take them back when they come back. People who are OK with you not being in their lives are not worth your mental well-being. + +In the past when I had read these, I never really understood them. I do now. +As hard as it is for me to accept, because to accept it means it’s real. They never cared. They left. They’re gone. Forever. They never coming back. They never wanted to. + +I’m their now. It’s been a long road. A painful journey. One that I’ll never repeat again in my life….ever!!! it isn’t over yet. And by that I mean the outcome of me. I know I will not be that same I was before I met my ex person. + + I don’t know if I’ll have that positive and exciting outlook on life anymore. I don’t even know if I’ll have the motivating desire to want a better in life that I had when met my ex. Large part of me went silent. You could even see a large part of my died. The part of me that started to actually want to live and enjoy life.. +I didn’t have that part of me growing up even into my early adulthood. + + + + I listened, eagerly to her stories. I told her mine. I did whatever I could to make her dailies a little easier. To give her a reason to smile. If it was sending her dinners, a random bouquet of flowers with some chocolate and a teddy, or just telling her a joke..(mostly bad ones🫣) +I tried my best to show my person I loved her. + +To me she was the world, my tomorrow’s, my happy, my love, my life, MY ONE… + +But to her, I was no one special. In her own words, “there was nothing special about me”. + +She took the best parts. She got better. She had options. She chose. She didn’t choose me. I was the one she chose one she had no one else to choose from. That was what I was to her. That was my value to her. + +I have finally excepted this. I can’t lie to myself anymore. She chooses not to be in my life, and she chooses to ghost. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. But I know I don’t want to see it. The pain within me only increases. They say with time things get better. For me it seems to be the opposite. I’ve always been different. Maybe that is my curse. I’m not like the crowd. Doesn’t seem to be a good thing for me, more like a curse. +I should’ve remain secluded. I should’ve remained to myself. I should’ve known that no one would understand. I should’ve known no one would care….",Depression +47437,I just want to fucking die I feel like a piece of shit for saying this but its like shit keeps happening. It feels like only 1 person cares about me but they dont understand the extent of my pain. My heart aches at this point. It feels like a black hole swallowing me up. I just want to cry & throw up every fucking day. Waking up and being alive is a chore at this point. I know I cant go through with ending it but the want is there & never ending. Please im so fucking tired. I dont want this. I never wanted it.,Depression +47438,"I relapsed into depression I (f18) have been diagnosed with depression some months ago, but I have struggled with it since 2019. It got particularly bad last year when my then boyfriend who was depressed aswell broke up with me. I was deeply depressed for months. I gave up everything that brought me joy, because I just had no energy. I didn't leave my bed, slept all day and stopped caring about my appearance (I had always been someone to enjoy fashion and makeup, so that was especially hard). I was heavily suicidal for a while, and it only got better when I started therapy. Life hasn't been exactly sunny since then either, but it got less bad. Since last week I have been feeling really down again. I returned to my bed, and I have difficulties to function normally again. My old fears have returned, and it feels like once again all joy has left my life. Today I felt suicidal again after a longer period of time of feeling somewhat ok. I feel so helpless. I can't do this again. I am just so tired. I don't want to anymore. Please, what can I do. I don't feel like my Therapist has been really helpful in this.",Depression +47439,"Suicidal Ideation creeping in. I’m diagnosed as chronic depressive, bipolar 2, and ADHD. I’m the rock and support for everyone else around me. I’m headed to a show right now to see one of my favorite artists, with my roommate/best friend, and all I can think about is the highway by my apartment seems like a good place to stand or walk into at the moment. I’ve called the suicide hotline before, I even work in healthcare and take care of behavioral health patients, but I just feel like between my life, my obligations, my job, I have nowhere to go.",Depression +47440,"Depression has started effecting my work I’m not sure what or what’s happened, but it’s gotten so much worse the last couple months. I cry daily, several times at work. I know I need to talk to someone but I feel like it’s too much. Doing life is just too much. I have an autoimmune ds so my health is shit, and I know it’s only going to get worse. I don’t want to live like this, always sick, always depressing everyone around me. But I can’t do anything bc of what it would do to my parents. I just pray for an accident or something they could understand.",Depression +47441,"I need advice I’m so out of it, I don’t see the point of living. I can’t even do my online classes and I find myself weeks behind. I really want friendship but I don’t know where to find others that want it as well. Everyone else in my life is so negative, I feel like I don’t have any family. I feel like my counselor and teachers are upset with me. I’m told it only gets worse, so why try here? I want to feel useful in heaven where I can be where I feel wanted. I want to make other people happy but that’s so difficult. What should I do?",Depression +47442,"Conveyor belt Anyone else feel like life is a involuntary conveyor belt of grief and boredom? We have to constantly distract and entertain ourselves or fall into a rut of despair. How many things do we do just to exist without losing our minds vs what we actually like? Know what I mean? + +I’m exhausted of breaking my back to make myself happy in an inherently unhappy and broken world. Had to get this thought out. Thanks for reading.",Depression +47443,"My appearance is making me severely depressed I've already been in therapy for 3 years and its not helping. I hate the way I look, I hate my face, my body, and everything else about myself. My therapist and family constantly lie to me by telling me I'm pretty and look normal but I know that im objectively repulsive. I've been consistently rated very below average by people online. Even IRL I have never been in a relationship or on a date ever. I feel ashamed to exist in public spaces, nobody should be forced to look at me. No amount of makeup or exercise can fix or help me. There's no fixing bone structure unless I were to suddenly become very rich. I don't know what to do anymore, Im too scared to commit suicide but I don't want to continue living in this body while feeling guilty for existing. Anyone that says ""looks dont matter"" is already attractive or average looking. I don't know how to cope with all this.",Depression +47444,"Depressive hole What is in the depressive hole? Here is this big brain fog. You kind of not care. You don't care about anyone. You don't care about yourself. Or maybe care in some way, but you don't LOVE. You feel like you lack. You feel like you are bad person. You don't deserve anything, you are worthless. Everything is worthless. It just puts you down, you feel weak. But can you love this depressive hole in some way? can you be it's friend? Can you love it? Can you STILL love. Can you love?",Depression +47445,I’m extra sad right now. Everything hurts.😔 .,Depression +47446,"Is it not terrifying for anyone else? To know that I have to experience every piece of suffering in this universe, multiplied out by every possible universe that exists, I.e. infinite suffering awaits everything and everyone and I have to just tell myself that that balances with the infinite good or whatever. Just wondering if anyone else has had heavy thoughts about existence that don’t add up to anything good, or if there’s some kind of secret combination of words that will undo the past 10 years of overly-analytical loneliness and self-directed toxic masculinity, I fucking hate the fact that I fucking hate everything, there’s no escape",Depression +47447,"Idk where else to vent I so depressed and I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want it getting back to my ex. He broke up with me a little bit ago because he’s dealing with his own mental health stuff. He didn’t want to hurt me in the process or hurt our relationship and pushed me away. I didn’t see it coming. He was happy with me and us but not himself. I thought he’d let me be there for him. I don’t want him to find out I’m struggling too and worry I just want him to get better. But I miss him so much and miss talking and seeing him everyday. He’s my best friend and I wish we could just be there for each other right now. +Ever since the break up I’ve just had more added to my plate. My grandma is sick, my friends who should be there for me right now aren’t, and my work is having more layoffs in an already terrible job market. +I struggle to find joy in anything right now. I wake up everyday just so sad and I cry daily. I sleep too much and yet I have nightmares and trouble staying asleep. I barley have an appetite I’ve lost over ten pounds in a month. +I know he cares and hopes this isn’t the end for us too but all the uncertainty in my life is so hard to deal with. +I’m just so stressed and sad. It’s so hard to grasp my current reality. I miss him so much. I’m trying to take care of myself but everything is hard right now.",Depression +47448,"Suicide Hotline Opinion? I’ve never called the suicide hotline before. If any of you have, was it helpful? I’m not exactly feeling like I’m in immediate danger but I know the feelings I’m having could lead up to that and I really just want to talk to someone about why I’m feeling this way. + +I’ve heard a few horror stories about the line not being very helpful or compassionate and it makes me nervous to call if that’s really the case. + +TYIA",Depression +47449,"Depressive Slump How can I get out of this hole? I’ve always struggled with depression and recently anxiety so this year I decided to get medicated. As I did that things felt like they were looking up like I finally took a chance on me and I was working out every day and trying to be productive. But then I start to think and I get more and more hopeless as I realize all my peers at 24-25 have degrees and careers and families and significant others and even goals but I have none of those. I’m 23 and depressed. I feel so rushed to start my life but I don’t know how or where to start, I’m trapped in this loop everyday but I’m just never getting better. I know I shouldn’t compare myself and we all go at the same pace but at this point I want to do it for me but I just have no energy. Simple tasks have become so hard and I’m just so overexerted. Any advice from anyone who’s been able to get out of this",Depression +47450,"I feel stuck Hey everyone this is my first Reddit post lol. Anyways I’m currently in my first year of college in a big city. I’ve lived in a little town my whole life so the city itself is very overwhelming. I have adhd, many forms of anxiety, depression (obviously lol) and a slew of other mental disorders. I failed every class last semester mostly because I had a rough break up, and I thought at the beginning of the semester I’d do better. Which in a way I sorta did I’ve been taking more notes and stuff, but I’ve really been working on myself as a person more, and for a while a lot of my anxiety symptoms have been going away, but today I had a talk with my parents where they mentioned how I’d need to show them my grades and boom all of a sudden I’m back in my shitty little hole of overthinking. And yet again it looks like I might fail. I feel that college isn’t for me, but if I do t do college then what will I do for work I don’t wana live with my parents again, they are great but I need my space. I feel that I can’t be happy and get good grades, I don’t want to be who I am anymore I see a version of myself that I can be proud of but I need to work more towards it and I can’t do that and keep going to school because it’s too expensive. And socializing is hard enough for me so if I’m not on campus with people of similar age to me how will o ever find a person I want to spend my life with. I really dislike online dating but I’m worried that’s the only what I’ll find someone if I leave here I’m a hopeless romantic and I want to find someone in real life, like a meet cute or whatever they are called. Not to mention that I feel like a huge disappointment because no line of work really speaks to me, I want a job I’ll be happy in and will allow me to like a comfortable life. I honestly have no idea what I’d want for the future, all I want is a comfy house with a spouse who loves me and I’d be happy, but I don’t see that happening at all. I’ve got 2 frequents and neither of them can just listen to my problems without giving me their own experiences wich is nice but I wish they’d just shut up and listen. I don’t really want to die I just want to sorta fade out of existence, like being in a dream. I know death isn’t the right thing, I don’t want my family to have to burry me I just want these feelings to be quiet; I want to know that somewhere down the line I have the safety and love I dream of every night. I really don’t want the people I love to have to suffer but I can’t tell if life’s worth it. I know every one says oh it gets better but I’ve waited for it to get better for most of my life and guess what it’s not getting better. Ugh I really don’t care if no one reads this I just need red to think someone has heard me. And hey if you got through all that I deeply appreciate you, I hope you are having a better time than me lol.",Depression +47451,"Dentist appt So I haven’t been to the dentist from 2016… I don’t need any “ew” comments, I already know. The reason why I haven’t returned in 7 years is because my dentist SA me and was put in jail. To say I’m scared is an understatement. Now I have Dx depression, anxiety, CPTSD etc etc so I know I have what we call depression mouth. I am uninsured and honestly im scared to be judged and feel guilty and unsafe for my appt. I requested a female dr and I will slightly explain my situation prior to my appt so I do not feel unsafe. I’m terrified my teeth will need a lot of work. No they’re not rotting or broken or gross at all actually. I have never even had a cavity but now with all this time passed I am afraid. Anyone else experience dentist anxiety…. Any advice or kind words will be appreciated. Thank you.",Depression +47452,Random depression hit might cut again I just want music to cry too.,Depression +47453,"Advice on coping with depressing thoughts? Hello all, I'm just having a rough day today and wanted to ask for any advice you may have. How do you guys cope with the depressive thoughts, self-hatred, insecurity, and body dysmorphia? Usually, my music is enough to block them out for a little, but it's not working today. I already took my antidepressant and I'm not sure what else to try. I have a meeting today, and I'm incredibly anxious about it. I feel horribly ugly and pretty much worthless. I know it'll pass, and I'll get through this meeting, but what are some ways to cope with these thoughts? I'm going to try to draw later, but I don't know how much help it'll be. I'm just repeating my favourite quote to myself; ""tomorrow is another day."" For now. Any advice appreciated, thank you. I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.",Depression +47454,"I am pretty sure that my end is near. I can’t even think right now, but I know that life just isn’t for me. I’m too scared to take any risks, but by not taking risks, I don’t get to live. I think I’m done.",Depression +47455,"What's wrong with me? (INSECURITIES) I (27M) had a horrible breakup 4 years ago and since then I've dealt with depression, suicidal thoughts, and very low self-esteem. I've been seeing progress in my mental state and I'd say I'm doing much better than the years since and have better coping mechanisms for my negative thoughts. + + +However, there are some insecurities that are still with me. I've just met someone wonderful about 4 years younger than myself but I can't seem to properly love/trust/feel secure with this person. When she talks about traveling with her friends, I get turned off. It's like I only want her with me. I feel a sense of abandonment. Also, I don't have any close friends like hers or I don't think I do. My ex called me a loner when we broke up and that's stuck with me. +When this new girl talks of her successes I feel like shit again and get turned off. I want to be the Alpha, I want to be successful and take care of her. I get attracted to broken people , maybe because I'm broken. I don't know if it's fair to her if I continue this relationship. I want a relationship but it seems that I'm not ready. I want a bestfriend. + + +I know I'm wrong in my thinking, how do I fix myself. What do I do?",Depression +47456,"Kinda Hate This (This is a lot of word vomit it, might not make sense) It feels fucking weird to feel empty sometimes. Like I'm just listening to music for 30 minutes and I feel fucking nothing. I love listening to music a lot and it's been offering me an escape from the world, but this week has been hell. + +Earlier this week my friend told me something and that was the first time my brain went silent for months. It felt weird, but after that, I feel no joy anymore. Before that, it was hard to feel sometimes but it was there, but now it's rarely there in the first place. I do not want to be like this, I've just been slowly getting worst as time passed and I use to believe that it would simply get better, but it's like every other week some bullshit that ruins me is revealed and I've become practically numb to it. But ever since I finally cried for the first time in 6 months I can feel some of those negative emotions finally festering in the worst way possible right now. + +I just wanna be okay. I really fucking hate this,",Depression +47457,"life sucks at the moment i recently went on a new antidepressant for my depression and anxiety, and as soon as I went on a slightly higher dose my anxiety went through the roof and i basically had a panic attack for three days straight. i begged my mom to let me stop taking it because it was making me miserable but she refused until today, and surprise surprise i feel better. but now I've missed a bunch of school and have a lot of make up work and tests and i don't think i can make it up without late points or just not doing my work....i don't know what to do. i have to go tomorrow and I'm dreading it",Depression +47458,im going insane i dont know how long i can keep going. I've been lying to everyone that I'm doing fine. i just really want to die. the pressure of others wanting me to live is so heavy. its suffocating.,Depression +47459,"Feelings now i guess.. My life starting to feel normal but then depression strikes again and i dont know how to feel about anything, friends dosent believe me anything im saying and i just feel down. Sorry if this is bad english its my first post here! + +I was just feeling happy about life but just something went down. + +Edit: Hope anyone responds here! + +Sorry for bad english, i know im not very good at english..",Depression +47460,"Find it hard to care anymore Simple as, just don’t know where to state these emotions so I do it here ig",Depression +47461,Not sure if I’m weak or strong My depression is a constant battle. I’ll be ok for a few months and very sad the others. It’s off and on. I can’t function when I’m depressed and anxious. I really want to give up because in my mind there is no hope. And I’ve felt this way for a very long time. Since middle school. I’m 25 now. I tried therapy it doesn’t work for me. I tried meds but I don’t see a difference in me but my mom does. I can’t keep a job because I’m anxious all the time about certain things. I want to do better but I am not motivated and I’ve tried my hardest in the past and nothing comes out of it. Help.,Depression +47462,"Why am I struggling to take my meds I’ve had depression for years and after turning 18 I finally got on medication for it. +I never reacted well to therapy nor can I afford it. The medicine is cheaper and much more effective. Much better than someone telling me I’ll be ok, when I’m obviously not. + +I chose the prescription. I chose to get on this medication. And it’s helping. + +So why am I struggling to take it? I don’t understand.",Depression +47463,Almost dead was almost there not earthly unalive but so dead inside where it didn't matter ... where craving another human didn't happen . Where the pain had stopped . But then he came and I felt alive again ... people were looking at me at the store again ... at breakfast this morning people talked to me ... but it's gone now the reason to feel and now comes the fight to shut it back down ...,Depression +47464,Can Antidepressant Withdrawal Cause Cardiac Arrest In Some Cases? Heard about a couple of people in severe situations where they lost/flushed their meds and either became manic or even once had a heart attack. Is this really true and if so how often does it happen?,Depression +47465,"Ways Looking for painless, clean, easy.",Depression +47466,"How do I avoid another episode and stay happy?? I’ve been doing SO well recently. I’ve been so happy, doing all my schoolwork, emailing places to try and volunteer, studying for my SATs (i’m a junior in high school), writing my literal college applications that don’t even open for 6 more months, and it has been going on for literally four days and I can feel it slipping away and i can feel my depression coming back. I just need more time and I really thought i was getting better and I scared that i’m gonna slip into a depressive episode again and I really just cannot do that right now. I need to focus on school and extracurriculars and sports and I can’t do that when i’m depressed. I’ve been in the best mental state of my life and I don’t want to lose that. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated",Depression +47467,God made me for entertainment I wish I can be somewhat mentally normal and live a fulfilling life and have friends. People will never accept me and I’m gonna die alone. Imma just kms byeeee 😮‍💨,Depression +47468,"I feel so broken that even when I go on medication, it's not going to help. I feel so broken that even when I go on medication, it's not going to help.",Depression +47469,"I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just feel no motivation to do anything anymore. I don't want to play games. I don't want to watch shows. I don't want to read. I can't even bring myself to do my math homework. Today was a round of acceptances for the University I'm trying for and I didn't get in. And typing it out makes it feel so silly to be this upset like oh, maybe not this round but there are two more rounds that you could get in for. But honestly this was kinda my last straw, I just give up. My friend who said that there was no way she would get in and that we should both go to this other university together got in today and I just feel like I'm not going to get in and I'm going to have to go to that other university and be all alone because everyone I know got in for the really competitive program I was trying for except me and I just can't bring myself to try in school at this point because I will never be good enough because I try so hard and I think I actually understand but I never understand and because I fuck up one question on a stupid test it ruins the rest of my fucking life. I just need to get into this one specific university nothing else matters its just this one. But its never going to happen. Because I was too stupid to not join every club in the school in 9th grade to become the president of them now. Because I never took extra lessons outside of school to learn math. Because I'm just not good enough. I mean I know this one specific university is not the end of the world but it feels like it is. I'm disappointing my family who expect me to get in. I'm disappointing myself because I told myself I would work harder and try harder and cut out all my free time to focus on school but I just didn't do that and now I've ruined my chances. I just don't want to keep trying. I don't even want to go to university. I'm just so tired.",Depression +47470,"Failure after failure. Too tired to keep trying, too afraid to give up The harder I try, the harder I fall and the more gruesome the defeat. I last felt like I was winning ten years ago. Since then it's been failure after failure, I'm at a point where I try so that I don't regret not trying but not because I expect to not fail. The only thing keeping me going is the belief that life in itself no matter how hard is a gift. I've lost a lot of people either through death or compassion fatigue. At some point, people are just fed up of witnessing the shit show that my life seems to be... And I don't blame them... I don't know if I'm being coherent but I hope you can make some sense out of my babbling...",Depression +47471,"I don't care if I hurt anybody I want to emotionally damage as many people as I can, regardless if I know them or not. I don't care how good they are, it only makes me want to hurt them even more. I absolutely hate happy people and it's worth the effort of bringing them down to my level",Depression +47472,"Tired Hi everyone, M25 here + +I'm currently living in Lebanon where we have been suffering from a very bad economic crisis. Our currency has been devaluating at a rate where the prices go up every day. +Due to that crisis, most people my age have been immigrating and looking for jobs abroad. + +I am currently getting paid a livable wage, can't complain there. I can go out to restaurants, and pubs and do activities when the majority of people can't. Note that my salary isn't considered high, I have friends who earn double and triple my income. + +I majored in business administration so finding a job abroad, unlike my engineer friends, is next to impossible. + +I am tired. Tired of living each day the same as yesterday. Tired to see more of my friends leaving. Tired of being alone. I'm stuck in a mental loop. Most of my friends are living their life, travelling with each other, and making memories while I'm stuck here. + +I am very close to the girl I like, but she doesn't know, and seeing her miles away from me is heartbreaking. I can't make a movie knowing it will be agonizing for us to start a relationship long-term while being in my current state. Knowing she is out there spending time with our friends, making memories with them when I can't be there is crushing me more. + +I was heavily depressed for several years when I was younger and managed to overcome it and be happy for a while. It seems like the depression is creeping up again. + +I used to be a blanket without seams, a silk cocoon of happy dreams. Now I'm a quilt, no square the same, a patchwork of pleasure and pain. + +I feel useless. Each breath I take is meaningless. Breathing is not living. I want to live. I want to be happy. + +I am not suicidal. I want to overcome it. But death wouldn't be so bad right now.",Depression +47473,"I have gained 40 lbs (20% bw) in the last year since I find my pleasure in food. It’s pizza, ice-cream almost everyday at this point. I used to be a fitness freak and now hate the gym. All I do is order food and scroll through my phone on my bed with no motivation to get up. Any advice would be appreciated or if someone can relate and share their experience.",Depression +47474,"So tired of being the person laughed at and not taken seriously. I'm a bit of an introvert but through the years I learned to appear social and outgoing with people. In most contexts it's positive and useful. But in others things turn out terribly for an actually shy and introvert person. + +I sometimes make jokes about memes, funny videos, etc. It's a good way to engage with other people at work for example. Rest of the people do the same. It's not that I'm joking more than the rest of the people. + +I never make jokes about the others, I'm very respectful. I even avoid any joke or meme that might be hurtful to other people. + +Yet there's always a moment where people go from laughing with me to laughing at me. For example, now people at work make fun about my poor diet. I never detailed anything about what I eat, or if I had time to cook. And some of those people bring canned food. Or about some of my habits. When stuff like this starts happening, I feel really hurt. It's like I thought for a long time I was sharing funny moments with workmates, and actually everybody was clowning me. + +There are some ridiculous things about me. My voice is high pitched and soft for a man my age (37) and that would be a main thing. I'm gay and that makes it even more obvious, but I don't talk about my sexuality since it's private. + +I wonder if these aspects make me the target of getting laughed at when actually I'm being friendly like the others. + +However I no longer care. Once I get fed up with all this, I avoid any unnecessary socialization with people who hurt me. I would consider to say what I wrote here in a polite way, but it's impossible to do that without being looked like a dramatic person. + + So I've decided to not eat again with this people, just go outside or stay on my own. Not the first time it happens to me, but the first where i can just avoid it easily. + +I don't know why I trust people again and again. I know people are not evil per se, but other people can really be hell for depressed persons like me.",Depression +47475,I want to die. I self harmed myself but instead of dying I ended up in the ER. I guess that’s a good thing but I just want to disappear. I have nothing good to stick around for.,Depression +47476,"Tired.. Haven't renewed my prescription for testosterone, because I'm not sure I want to be alive anymore. I'm so tired of checking the news and seeing how fucked the world is. + +So many bills are being passed out of hatred for the Trans and Gay community. Women are being treated like cattle.. and overwhelming hatred of the Indigenous, Black, and BIPOC people. It hurts. + +I don't know if I want to do this anymore. + +I'm so tired.",Depression +47477,"Why do i feel empty when texting to a girl i like We used to have conversations on a daily basis, we had really deep conversations, but suddenly she became sharp. I invited her to a museum, but she cancelled me the day before since she had some errands going. i dont know if she is avoiding me, or is she actually busy. What concerns me is the idea that ive been carrying: thinking im not capable of maintaining a relationship with people that i do enjoy, how can i get out of that idea, it has been annoying me for some days. + +I wrote this post on depression since i feel a similar hollowness to abandonment, so im wondering if i still have some traces of an old trauma ive been dealing for some time + +Typing this, make me understand, i feel sadness since we no longer have those meaningful conversations, but i would love to hear the opinion of others on how to get out of a mindset. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks for the support!",Depression +47478,"My hearing is fading + +I’m on Zoloft and it feels like I have a cotton ball in my right ear. This has been slowly developing over a few days and I just read that it can be caused my antidepressants. Should I be worried?",Depression +47479,"Why do I feel off/numb I had gone through a lot in the past 2 years, facing a horrible dispute with my parents (mom,stepdad,and dad) and being thrown into a mental hospital after a school got scared of me. My parents destroyed my relationship with my ex and my social life, making me mentally snap or something. Afterwards, then figuring my dad had manipulated me and ridding of him from my life. I took lots of drugs I wasn’t supposed to take after everything that had happened and nothing afterwards has been the same. + +I had realized I no longer was happy about the things that made me happy, rather emotionless. This occurred after me getting out of the mental hospital , furthering getting worse after a cycle of rad-140 with mk677 and a Benadryl overdose of 1200mg in the span of two days. I have a new relationship, life, no more problems it seems like, but I feel no joy and no happiness towards my daily actions and accomplishments as well as interactions with other people. I go through my day seeing my current girlfriend and friends or getting something done but never feel completed, like I did something but forgot cause I just did it to do something. I also recognized how much I had dissociated, it felt like all I think about is the wrong and past because it’s what I can’t fix that was clearly my fault at some times. I think too much about what people have done to me, making me stay away and never invite people over. I often blur out and feel as if I’m in my own world where nothing exist for seconds up to hours, even sometimes forgetting who was talking to me or what I was doing. + +I feel insane, I have extremely bad mood swings. No I never was diagnosed with any sort of mood disorder, but I was on abilify because of alleged homicidal ideations. I have extreme anger, enough to cause myself and others harm. I do not have any explanation to why I have these feelings and want an explanation. I have cut myself before because of the anger towards myself and others and don’t want to be in the same place. I have had unexplained episodes before that felt descriptive to being manic episodes but never fully closed to be, just because they said it was the mood stabilizers that caused it. The last time I felt homicidal ideations was unintentional and was two weeks ago. + +I started to stop caring about everything. Problems I had, my grades, my girlfriend, my ex, my goldfish and my dog it didn’t matter. Every problem was the same because I felt as if nothing could feel as close as painful as the things I heard and saw from the past 2 years specially and even further in the past with trauma. I would be in near death situations even with drugs with almost dying from multiple overdoses, with the worst being Benadryl. I miraculously have woken up every time just glad I had experienced something out of worldly and disconnected more than actually caring that I almost died. The Benadryl overdose itself, actually made this affect worse. After two weeks and a half of recovery from it, I felt so disassociated and had no feelings towards anything in a bad or negative way similar to what I was talking about earlier but worse, making me stop caring about everything. Somewhat it wasn’t the worst, considering the days that would viewed the worst by others was just another day for me just like the rest. + +Random thoughts of apologizing, being empathetic, but then being hateful and sad and homicidal. Also sort of like mood swings, it’s just an array of unexplained thoughts that never get told to the people I’m thinking about or anyone actually. And example of this goes as such, I will feel happy I had feelings towards someone and remember what they’ve done but then feel extreme opposite feeling such as pain,anger,fear,sadness, and homicidal ideations. I had these feelings and still do as they can happen anywhere, I’ve had them for years in-fact. Do they mean anything? + +Thank you for your time and efforts of reading my post. If you have any explanation to why these things and happening and what they are, feel free to comment whatever you’d like to.",Depression +47480,"I’m just not happy and I feel ashamed for saying that I have a good job as a teacher but I don’t feel fulfilled. + +I always wanted to be a scientist or mathematician but wasn’t smart enough and the other teachers at my job are smart enough to leave and work for top companies (and many have) but not me. + + +The guy I was talking to didn’t find me important enough to see me for even a few minutes within two or three weeks. + +He was either too busy or too depressed or in another state. I feel like it was easier for him to let go after we finally had sex. + +I feel too scared to talk to another man. I genuinely feel scared and I feel like I’m literally going to do something bad to myself if I experience another breakup. + +I have a mom who is alive but hasn’t ever called me. Whenever I think about her, I think about how I wasn’t important enough to keep me away from KNOWN child predators. + +I feel like I won’t ever make enough money to get a house or do any of the things I want to do. + +I pulled out so much of my hair from stress that I had to cut it off and I look so horrible when I wear my real hair. + + +I hate myself so much. + +I hate myself so much. + +I know this isn’t that much to be sad about BUT I AM and I don’t want to feel this way BUT I DO. + +I am not happy.",Depression +47481,"How I feel. This will probably go unseen but I need to write. + +I feel unheard, I am alone and I do not like this world. + +I hate people, this society is terrible. Betrayal runs rampant and hatred thrives. I feel unwelcomed as a white guy like the world is against me. I don’t feel unique at all, probably because no one tells me I am. In fact no one talks to me to begin with and if they do it’s because I talked first. + +I’m not sure I want to be here anymore simply because I’m not sure what I have to look forward too. + +It’s selfish to say and I feel guilty but everything this life has given me has been taken away. Specifically human connection it is all I want. But I can not have it. My friends leave ignore and forget. My gf left and forgot. No one approaches I feel like a ghost. + +I’m 18 and im not sure I want to stay around for next month when I turn 19.",Depression +47482,"I really dont know what to do anymore For the record i am not suicidal but i do feel like i have no way out of this. I have a concerning health condition that has been neglected for the past 6 years and gradually getting worse. I am on a slow decline in health and will do a more detailed write-up of my life and issues soon. I see death as an option to free my body of its ailments and the stupidity that caused it, had i not hurt myself i would be taking a different path but im pretty much disabled now and have tried to fight the healthcare system with no diagnosis and been labelled as crazy by every person i meet. I wont sing, dance, look or feel the same way again so for me thats not worth it. I always dreamt of doing those things but now i will never be able to do them efficiently. I dont see death as a bad thing, just terrifying and really hard to process and a way to get out of a shitty life, i would rather die than be in a lot of situations really because we all die anyway i dont really want to suffer for too long. And the world doesnt care because it will just keep spinning. so there arent any negative feelings just logical and impartial situation which i accept. Everyone will die too so rather sooner than later. Otherwise I would have a degree in performing arts or music by now and would be performing and doing things with my life. Sadly that isnt the case and am stuck with an illness that isn't getting better. + +My face is swollen and so is my body, my wounds won't heal, I can't exercise and feel fatigued every day, my veins bulge and I have extremely pale skin, my eyes are also bulging(my brother pointed this out to me and I thought I was the only one who thought this), my teeth are cracking and my gums are pale, numbness in every single part of my body, blood pools, anhedonia, and dissociation, impaired memory and I can't even count or decide what to eat, have to double check my spelling and memory and even then I forget, bathroom struggles, insomnia, weak bones, head feels full and swollen, fingernails have started to club believe it or not, hair and nails don't grow, blue extremities and struggling to breathe, cant hold head up and body feels very heavy to carry, sharp pains around my body aching pains, blurred vision and double vision, i can't even walk anymore and my ligaments crack all the time. pre 2017 this would not have been the case because i injured myself very severly and do not realise the damage i have done. doctors are saying nothings wrong with me but thats not true, the problems have built up over time which i suspect is a problem with my vascular system but getting seen in the UK is very hard. i have also bought a healthcare plan which is not private health insurance but all that i can afford(£11 monthly). The extent of damage it has done to me made me realize that i may not ever be normal again IF i ever get treated that is, and so i feel like my only option is to die. I know some people say that people who are crippled and have disabilities can have long satisfying lives but that is not the life for me, especially considering there was nothing wrong with me before. i always dream to be that way again but i know i won't get that anymore and i wont be happy at all, the damage it has done to me probably affected my brain to the point where i dont think it will ever recover, or my heart, or my bones, or my optic nerves so i don't think it's worth living if I have long-lasting complications. + +And also the cause was self-harm, I know it sounds silly but it could have been prevented. I was mentally ill and the things I did weren't normal, looking back at it now and it's all my parent's fault, they convoluted my idea of normal since I was a little kid. I never got the help i needed not even for my selective mutism and now I'm screwed for good. I'm no good anymore and worthless, I can't even make or remember memories and this isn't the depression speaking since I had an urge to fix my life and get back on track. Now I have a wound that will never heal. My parents were extremely toxic and detrimental since my youth, my only fantasies were ones of running away. I don't have much contact with them and am stuck in the house with them. In 2017 I self-harmed so bad my left side went number and weaker and I have been that way ever since. Now it's caused so many problems because of something pressing on my vascular system causing harm to my entire body, but I am told there is nothing wrong with me, even by the most toxic people of all (my parents) they got so sick of me trying to reach out for help, my father shouted at me and sent me into a burst of tears, I choked on my tea but I persisted and called the doctor and asked for an appointment, he took me to the docs but I feel like I'm in a losing game. I don't really have any positive options anymore and am in so much pain 24/7. I've lost my sight somewhat, hearing, function, mobility, emotions, and cognition and am basically becoming a vegetable. Even if I do get treated it will be too late as the damage has left permanent wounds. I've shown someone pics before and they have admitted its pretty messed up what I have been through. I am struggling for answers but at the least, I can get a diagnosis just so I can shove it in people's faces and prove them wrong. But other than that I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I got tired from making this post I took a few breaks and am still lethargic. + +My doctor that i recently visited also noticed that i was looking a bit pale so for me thats been a relief, he was quite attentive and offered to give me a blood test which is next month so i have to struggle to next month. He weighed me(im 48kg now) and we talked about my symptoms and I did mention to him it has to do with my vascular system, it's now a test of time to see what will happen. Realistically I don't think my prognosis is too good. But people are becoming more attentive to how messed up my body is so I think thats a good but far too little too late now",Depression +47483,"How long after starting citalopram do side effects begin? I just started today, wondering when I can expect irritating things to start.",Depression +47484,"No support system I (22,F), lost my mom 4 years ago, and my dad 9 years ago. All my siblings have their own lives. I have four friends who happen to be busy with their own lives as well. Never had a boyfriend. I just started working as a MedSurg nurse a month ago and I absolutely hate it. My mom was also a nurse, my dad was a doctor. I did it for them, now they’re gone. Didn’t even have the chance to attend my graduation. It’s downhill ever since my parents died. Been depressed ever since. + +I drive to work every day wishing I’d never arrive. Like fantasizing a car crash. Patients, doctors, and supervisors treat us new nurses like crap. It’s demoralizing and dehumanizing. It’s an extremely thankless job, and that includes terrible pay. Our ratio is 1:10. I go home crying after every shift. I’m on a three-month probation, and I wanna quit. Don’t know how much of this shit I could take. Before my parents passed away, I was supposed to go med school after finishing undergrad, now there’s no way I could afford med school on my own. I just feel like a failure and hopeless every day. I can’t remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. I feel like I’ve been a decent human being my whole life and life rewards me with dead parents, a horrible job, and no support system. +So sorry for venting here, I just don’t have anyone to talk to about all of these :(",Depression +47485,"I don't feel like I should be proud of myself I don't feel like there's anything to be proud of in my life. Comparing myself to others makes me feel awful, but even comparing myself to who I was a few years ago just makes me realize how much I've fallen into the cold embrace of depression. + +A few people have said I should feel proud I've simply lived this long with severe depression. Which I guess that makes sense logically, but it doesn't feel like I should. It feels like that's lowering the bar to such a low level that anything is good. Is that really what I have to do to feel good about myself? Lower my expectations to the absolute bare minimum? That on its own seems so depressing.",Depression +47486,"Root of my depression? I’ve been depressed for about 4 years and it seems to have just gotten more severe as time goes on. I’ve tried loads of different supplement and antidepressants including methylated b vitamins, fish oil, zoloft, prozac, lexapro, buproprion, NAC, 5-HTP and more. Nothing has worked for me I’m still just as depressed and exhausted as I was when I began, actually even more now that it seems like it never goes away. My symptoms of depression are mainly fatigue, low motivation, low energy, and anhedonia/emotional blunting. This has me wondering could there be a root cause or something wrong with me that has caused these problems? My life is pretty good besides the issues that my symptoms give me, could I have a hormone imbalance or some other problem that causes this? I don’t want to be throwing medicine to mask my depression if there is some deeper reason for it. For all of you that seem to be depressed due to an issue within yourself have you done any testing or anything to find the root cause of the problem that helped ? I’m desperate to get help any feed back would be appreciated.",Depression +47487,"Depressive episodes are getting worse and worse as time passes, afraid I might give into the tendencies Ever since I was 15 years old I struggled with fnding happiness in anything I did, I thought maybe this feeling would pass with time but sadly that wasnt the case, suicidal thoughts have infiltrated my day to day life, they are everything thats on my mind all day. I never found a purpose in life, nothing that makes me truly happy, all I really do is sit all day and play videogames, pump my body with caffeine and sugar and hope for brighter days to come, even though I know they wont or that theres a small likelyhood of it happening. +Every day I consider more vile ways to commit suicide, which is something I havent considered at all just a year prior. My mother calls my reasons for lack of happiness stupid and I havent been offered any comforting words, like ever. +Adding to my struggle with purpose, I also never had a serious relationship, the loneliness and angst grows stronger and I get more sour as days go by, I became misanthropic to the point of wishing the worst on people who are doing better than me, and I hate these selfish thoughts.",Depression +47488,"I stopped taking my meds.. I was diagnosed 2 years ago or so. Rapid cycling Bipolar 2. Since then I have been through dozens of medications that never worked. Finally, after some trial and error, good old lithium seemed to do the trick. I felt better than I have IN YEARS. + +2 or 3 months ago… I did what apparently is a common thing with people who have this disorder and… stopped taking my meds… I was good! I was happy! I could take on the world! + +Weeeelllllll…. Over the last few weeks a mixed episode (that I haven’t noticed until last night) has cause a LOT of problems in my life. I’ve been emotionally cheating (thats a long story that I can’t get into just now.) Girls i was interested in are now no longer speaking to me because they found out I stopped taking my meds. I’ve been sexting, and chain smoking and depressed and hateful and spiteful and… I just can’t handle life right now. I’m in a very VERY bad place. All because I was an idiot and stopped taking my meds. + +I should feel lucky. It could have been way worse. But I don’t know how much worse it’s going to get. I know I need to take my meds now… I do… I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay… that I’m not a bad person… that I deserve love and happiness… i promise I’ll start taking my meds again…",Depression +47489,"Why do I want do die? Why? Just why? My life is perfect, literally the best life I could ask for, yet I still want to die. Why? I don't have a reason for it! My life is perfect, why do I want to die then??? What is wrong with me???",Depression +47490,"What’s it all about I’m a 22 year old man. Currently at university, I’m trying to do well and complete my course but some weeks I just stay in my room wasting my life away, I either feel numb, depressed or have strong emotions which I can’t begin to understand or process. I’ve battled with these feelings since a teenager I’ve had my ups and downs but I’m loosing faith in the world and the way things are. + +Some days I want to die but then the next I try improve and feel better but it’s a constant cycle, I get more exhausted every time I have to pull myself away from these feelings. + +I used to have some self esteem and socialise and build relationships, now I struggle to connect to people now and just feel awkward. I often analyse social situations and just feel regret. + +My thoughts spiral sometimes I get stuck for hours, I have things I enjoy but the world seems cold, everyone feels so distant. + +Not sure if this is relatable.",Depression +47491,"Getting treated like shit for being a trans girl It's been 1 and a half year, and I'm still getting ignored by my so called family, wtf am i supposed to do here. Getting treated like this in the whole town is one thing, but i want at least one person here to treat me like every other cis girl, I'm freakin tired of this and I lose all the motivation to do anything. I'm born in a country where being trans is like being a demon or some shit, what do i do",Depression +47492,"Stress making me suicidal. Cannot bear the work stress, i work with my uncle and work seven days week for around 12-15 hours a day. +Since i moved into a new city, i have no social life, do not go out anywhere and since i do not know anyone i am anxious in going out itself. +I think work is taking a mental toll. +I cannot quit this job, i like it and there is peer pressure as well. + +No idea what i am supposed to do, i go mad on Sundays, sitting all alone in office. + +Any advice would be most welcome.",Depression +47493,"my three week streak of NOT wanting to kill myself ended today.... at 8:30am Let's see... I definitely need a less toxic job, but I'm afraid everywhere is gonna be that way. + +Or it is me. I just cannot function in a workplace. I'm too dumb. I don't learn fast enough. I'm not allowed to be human and make one damn human error that in the scheme of things is FUCKING INCONSEQUENTIAL. + +It is probably me. I can't do anything right. + +I am so freaking riddled with debt that any place that credit checks for employment (like everywhere) is gonna yeet my resume into the garbage. + +I just want to run away and live in another country, but between pets and my husband, it just won't happen. + +I low key started packing up my desk. + +I really just want to blow my brains out in the office lobby. + +Not today, though.",Depression +47494,"I’m struggling I’ve been depressed my whole life. I remember when I was in elementary I felt like I didn’t want to be alive anymore, I couldn’t see I point. As I grew up I became better at convincing my self that I should hang on just a little more. Like maybe after this next game comes out or or after I see this movie etc… but I’m now 23 and the coping mechanism I’ve developed are starting to fail me now. And I struggle with finding anything else to keep me from going over the edge and ending it all. It has gotten to the point where I was waiting for a train the other day and I heard the train coming and for a second I felt the urge like my body tending up waiting to move as if to jump in front of the train. I ended up thinking to much and didn’t jump but the feeling was real and I was scared. I don’t know what to do anymore.",Depression +47495,"I’m getting more and more jealous of rich people and feel terrible about it. How do other people cope? I’ve been poor most of my life and even though I’ve been working 9-10 hours per day and spend as little money as possible for many years, I’ve only managed to pay back my student debts two years ago. Since then I’ve been focused on saving more money and maybe one day be able to have a better life. + +Lately I’ve started becoming more and more jealous of people who grew up rich, crypto millionaires and lottery winners. Like the 18-year-old girl who recently won $48 million the first time playing the lottery. Are you kidding me? I often fantasise about having bought BTC when it was cheap, or having mined a few coins. Or having been part of the Gamestop spectacle. + +I know that it’s wrong to be jealous, but honestly, how could we not be when it forces us to work 8+ hours every day and affects the rest of our lives. I’m trying my best to be happy and have positive feelings about others anyway, but I find it increasingly difficult.",Depression +47496,"What am I waiting for? I am making no significant strides to become “better” or get my shit together. I think the possibility of suicide has been looming over me for so long that I’m using it as an excuse to not get my shit together, if that makes sense. Like “oh I don’t need to figure out a career path cause I’m probably going to kms.” My life is going no where. And I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I have absolutely nobody. I’m just a disappointment to myself and my family. Idk what I’m waiting for.",Depression +47497,"last day of june i am a piece of shit who keeps talking when i shouldnt i say the wrong things i cant thibk properly i do the wrong things i look the wrong way everything abt me is just wrong + +i hate myself so fucking much and im isolating myself even more i dont wanna cry again its really fucking pathetic + +on the last day im june im going to jump",Depression +47498,"No one loves me, I have no purpose, and I’m thinking of ending it all. I’m failing school, have no talents and therefore don’t do any extracurriculars, live in a dysfunctional family that always fights and yells and even beats each other, I have no friends and I’m in introvert who can’t make any. I’m diabetic and my crush recently humiliated me publicly when I confessed. This world is fucking shit and I’m tired of it. Whoever said it gets better lied and I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. I’ve been fighting my suicidal feelings for so long but it finally feels like I’m starting to fall to them.",Depression +47499,"I wrote my suicide note I didn’t go through with it, I didn’t even have a plan, I wrote it because I knew in that moment I wanted to end it all. Everything is collapsing around me and I’m disappointed I exist.",Depression +47500,"can anyone please save me from myself I can't do this anymore. This constant feeling of self hatred, the dissociation, the want to isolate. I've shared my story many times without a single person noticing or helping.. I've dedicated so much of myself to helping others not feel the way I feel. I've gone to therapy, I've picked up hobbies, and I've done all the things they say will cure depression yet here I am lying in bed, having called out of work again. I didn't think I'd ever feel this way again, but I just want to die. I want to disappear. I want to be forgotten about. + +I've gotten rid of all my friends, my girlfriend just thinks I'm sick and I feel like I can't share my deepest feelings with her because of the stress she already goes through, my parents don't speak with me. I feel like if I'm not doing something for others they don't want me... + +All this yet I'm too afraid to die it's pretty pathetic.",Depression +47501,"aita for thinking my boyfriend responses were rude when i had a breakdown so i don’t really know where to talk about this and even if no one reads this it’s okay + +so i’ve been struggling with depression and bpd for years now due to traumatic experiences i’ve had with my family (mainly physical and mental abuse) i still live with my mother who has caused a lot of pain (i was told by a therapist to just accept her because i live here, in which is the same way she dictates the household) +anyways so i’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and although i’ve seen to be getting better, my mother and i had a physical altercation in which lead me to a downward spiral. It caused problems in my relationship as i know i don’t have the healthiest means of coping, many time we would have arguments that i could not emotionally handle because my depression has been getting the best of me and i know i am to blame but bear with me + +my boyfriend and i had a fight because i snapped at him over the phone, it wasn’t his fault and i felt really bad so i apologised but he said i was just being unnecessary, i said i was sorry for being unnecessary and he said he didn’t care, eventually he said he was over it and that we were okay but it left me feeling low because i’m not in the best of mind states, i recently lost my job (and been struggling to find another because not many places are looking at the moment) and my mother has been on my head about it. my mental state has been pretty low and i’m mostly disappointed in myself, i tend to put myself down a lot as i really wanted more for myself . I had a breakdown after our fight because i felt like i was being a burden to everyone including my boyfriend, i said i felt worthless and that i was sorry he had ti deal with like this and overall just going over how i felt like life would be easier w/o me +he said that i’m always living in this self pity and that i’m never going to get better , he said i work on his nerves (paraphrasing because he said it much vulgar) and that that’s all i do lately in the middle of my break down and i just cried harder , this was over a video call so after he said that he just watched me cry, clearly annoyed , i said we could end the call if the crying bothered him and he said just end it because i’m tired of you + +i really feel so broken and like every aspect of my life",Depression +47502,"Meds doesn't work, and I don't want to even try again at fixing my life, because I'll just end up failing as always. Apparently my depression is so severe that not even the most potent medication can cure it, I still feel as depressed as I would be if I didn't take it. I also don't even feel like trying to do anything anymore, because I'm just gonna fail again, for the millionth fucking time. It never goes away, it never stops.",Depression +47503,"I just feel jaded from life!!! Someone once told me three things I needed to learn in life. Number one nice guys finish last. Number two nice guys finish last. Number three….. you get the picture. +I wished I could be more selfish, more callous, more an A-hole. Because it really sucks worrying about everybody else and trying to please people.",Depression +47504,Temporary solutions to numb this until I can get proper care? How do you get through the day like this I have a great job and a potential promotion happening very soon but everything else outside my career is so sad right now. The only reason I’m still hanging on is because I don’t want another failed attempt and to look like an assshole or lose my job. My relationship is basically over my grandfather is dying in hospice with bone cancer and I’m slowly feeling like I’m spiraling even worse than before. I have to hide it from everyone in my life because everyone has something else more important going on. I really need to get to a psych and a therapist but scheduling feels impossible where I am located. I feel like I need immediate help but I have no way to get that. Even if I could I wouldn’t be able to get myself there because I can’t afford a car and my credit sucks. Are there any temporary solutions to numb the pain until I can get myself help that will not continue to hurt everyone around me or cause for alarm? What do you do to get through the days?,Depression +47505,"I don't want to do this anymore I (23m) don't want to continue this anymore. I got out of a 6-year relationship back in august I left cause I wasn't happy anymore and hated myself to the point of not loving her anymore. I was 320 lbs when we broke up and now I'm 240 lbs I go to the gym for about 10 hours a week sometimes more. I'm stronger than my friends that got me into the gym and that makes me happy sometimes. I see a therapist every other week and I don't even tell him about some of these deeper-down issues about not wanting to live anymore cause he is a school therapist and I worry that I would get a restriction on campus cause of it. I have been on one date since the breakup and I really wasn't that interested in the girl I met her on an app and just went on a date so my parents would get off my back about not going on a date since the breakup. I feel invisible to women I'm actually attracted to that in the gym or around campus I try to smile and make eye contact but I can count the time's anyone has actually looked back and smiled on one hand. I feel like my depression ruined my one chance at love and not I'm just a fat ugly person who is going to die alone no matter how much weight I lose no matter how much better I look I don't think it is ever going to get better. I did get with my ex for a moment but I think my heart is truly empty there were no new feelings of love I think I need someone to kick start it I need someone new to care about the bring those feelings back. I don't know how long I can continue this life I feel like my peak is going to be 5 years from now when I'm still single and alone and graduate from school and am making 100k and have a nice scat pack challenger in the garage and my ram parked outside in a luxury one bedroom apartment. I'm on the apps and I get like maybe 5 likes total a week over all of the apps I'm using and I usually get ghosted after the first message. since I updated my pictures recently I have been getting likes from much better-looking girls and I don't even message them cause I feel like they look too good for me and probably swiped the wrong way and I don't want to message them and they ghost me cause they did swipe the wrong way. I know that is the dumbest thing but it's how I really feel. + +you don't have to comment or say anything I think I really just need to type all this out and post it somewhere.",Depression +47506,"my anhedonia is worse than ever none of the things i used to look forward to or would cheer me up even make me the tiniest bit excited to think about anymore. i can't even think about staying alive for my animals. too sad to even want to cry...i just want to disappear. i've never been so low-functioning in the decade+ i've been depressed. all i do now is sleep. + +idk why i'm even still trying to reach out to anyone tbh",Depression +47507,Help I’m wanting to Kms and I don’t know what to do I. asked my friend and he said I call dibs on your pc and I don’t know what to do at this point,Depression +47508,"My wife is pushing me away We, both female, have been together for 9 years and married for 3. During the course of our relationship, she has had periods of non diagnosed depression. Well she did go to the doctors maybe 7 years ago and got a few counselling sessions but never went back. She can be fine for over a year and then something switches in her and she just shuts off. This recent episode has been since last Tuesday and she is pushing me away. We have a day off planned tomorrow and she is telling me to go into work. She sits up on her own drinking and listening to music. She says things have changed between us yet only a few weeks ago we were immensely happy and texting each other how much we love each other. Yet she is saying we don't do anything and sit in silence. I know this isn't true. We go on lots of walks together, we stayed overnight in a hotel and had a theatre trip at the beginning of the month. I have been away with work for a few days and had a holiday with friends this month too. +She usually loves to make plans but is showing no interest in anything. She also is quite on top with the house and is not really doing anything other than getting by. + +She has issues with her mum (who has treated her appallingly throughout her life) and they are currently not speaking and she lost a close family member 6 months ago so I know things are getting on top of her. + +I'm petrified that she is going to end the relationship but I am trying to hide this and stay my usual upbeat self. I've told her I'll stick by her in whatever she needs. She won't see a doctor or consider a therapist and I just don't know what to do. She isn't very good at vocalising her emotions and just says she wishes she could have a break from her life for a month. + +I suppose I'm looking for answers from people who have felt like this or had partners similar to this so I can figure out if she is just falling out of love with me or is this depression and we will recover. + +Sorry this is a bit all over the place.",Depression +47509,"I want my old self back I have had countless changes in my life and came in terms with at some point....but I myself changed, a lot. Not in a good way. That's what I'll never recover from. + +I wasn't the best with emotions of people that time but atleast I was happy and functional. I have tied my worth to a lot of things which I no longer have. That, made me question worth relentlessly. I think everyone deserves to be happy despite everything in life, but I can't say it to myself. All conditions are different for myself. I deserve to starve if I don't do well, I deserve to not meet anyone if I messed up somewhere, I deserve to be treated like shit. + +It took me a while to realise how I came to accept being treated badly by people. I am ""working on myself"" but will I ever be able to get my old self back? No. I'm stuck with a version of myself who cares about everything except herself and it fucking sucks.",Depression +47510,"I'm too old and pretty much done I'm 24, I will be 25 in November, and I haven't done anything with my life. + +I'm still at University because I reproved 3 years and I still got 3 more years (hopefully) to finish it. I have no friends much less a girlfriend, I used to hang out with my school friends (till about 2019) but nowadays all of them have moved on with their lives, at University I made no friends the first 2 years and now is impossible because everyone already knows each other so there is no ""get to know each other"" moments. + +Not only that, but because I fucked up so many times at University I lost access to the government grants and I must pay for University with my money which I don't even have because I don't have a job but even if I had one it wouldn't be enough. + +I don't do anything the whole day nor do I talk with anyone, I haven't had a conversation with someone other than my family for about 3 years. I'm only eating once a day because I'm short on money, I hate going outside because I don't have anything to do but I can't even watch a movie or play a video game because is just not fun anymore, I often just keep opening and closing the movies or games. + +**Now that I'm 24 I just feel way too old to do most things and feel like I don't fit anywhere. I'm not good looking and people just ignore me, I feel like I just missed the boat on developing social relationships and It's too late for me now.**",Depression +47511,"Zoloft Hi, been prescribed zoloft for 1 month now to treat depression that started after my t.b.i. (brain chemical all messed up now). My period is 2 weeks late and the home tests say negative. Anyone else have this issue? I'll get a test at the doctor in 2 days.",Depression +47512,Got diagnosed with depression today Wtf am I supposed to do now?,Depression +47513,Can't concentrate after quitting antidepressants Has anyone experienced something similar or is this just how my brain works? I had been taking the antidepressants for less than three weeks and then decided to go cold turkey. It's like if I had a constant brain fog I can't concentrate nor do anything I wish I hadn't started taking them in the first place.,Depression +47514,"I've been taking high doses of Venlift and Bupropion for more than 1 year, and I haven't gotten much better. The doctor is thinking of giving me ADHD meds, does anyone have this experience? I can't do anything, I have energy for nothing. I haven't worked out for one year. I can't maintain a routine. Sometimes I only have drinks for food, nothing solid. Sometimes I spend the day without eating. I developted pseudo-cushing as it seems, and the only truly efficient method would be for me to work out, but I get extremely tired after just 10 minutes, even if I eat healthy. Mind you I'm not morbidly obese nor do I have anything that prevents me from moving my body correctly. Sometimes after trying to exercise, or after a day in which I move a lot, I tend to sleep for more than 12 hours straight. +The doctor told me about the possibility of having to give me Venvanse if I don't get any better, which is a more dangerous medicine for me. I'm diagnosed with hypercortisolism (pseudo-cushing), depression, anxiety, ptsd, and in the process of getting evalued for autism (""aspergers"") but I've never had symptoms of ADHD or anything, only some things that overlap with autism, like sensory issues, so I'm scared of getting addicted to it or not being able to get off of it. At the same time I really want to have energy for stuff, not motivation, nobody needs motivation to do stuff, I just want to not be lethargic all the time.",Depression +47515,"Alone as always. Going to be my last week of living. +Going to be my last week of living. Can’t be bothered if everything I do and people don’t stay.. Gonna head to this cliff I know in the morning and jump. Can’t be bothered anymore. +Been dwelling on my predicament since I was 16. Bullied, ugly, no friends and autistic complete loner. Year ahead went by still the same but found someone honline suppose not talking to anyone irl dew to social anxiety and self hatred left me in a pit of disappear suicide ideation what I did a few time 1 almost fatal. Saw how my family reacted so I continue till I’m here. They are enjoying life and I still feel out of place. I’ve given it time and tried no one stays nor can I find a reason too. Gonna head to this cliff I know in the morning and jump. Can’t be bothered anymore.",Depression +47516,Im so done. i cant function anymore. i dont get out of bed i can hardly get anything done it is too much.. day after day after day i sleep in dont show up to where im supposed to be. i have no interest in things i used to enjoy and all they do is make me anxious.. everything feels like a burden. i have no answer to why i dont show why i dont do nything on time.. i dont have any answers and i know none of this is gonna end well.. im gonna be in such deep trouble with my college.. my attendance they could hold my exams even for this. i dont know what to do anymore. i used to like to do stuff. i used to enjoy but i dont anymore. IM so anxious that im not where im supposed to be and at the same time i just dont care.. my mind feels numb. everything is a blur. days are just passing by me.. and im just stuck.. im losing track of time.. im losing touch with friends and family. im slipping away.,Depression +47517,"I cant stop thinking of ending it, its too late for me. I already ruined my life Im 24m , broke, ugly, alone and single. When i was in school i had something going for me. I was smart, top of my class. Good looking. Went to school for computer science and i ended up hating it. After i dropped out at 18, i worked job to job. dropped of school again. and now im a couple years out, working for 21 dollars an hour and starting to realize how much i ruined my life. You need money and education to have any sort of chance in life. You are better off not even going to college because once your a failure in life it consumes you. in every aspect of life. family wont treat you the same, girls wont even give me a chance once they know. and once you realize this you see life move without you. What are you supposed to do if you cant make more money, or have a girl to live for. there actually is not reason to live. your friends move on with there lives. I truly feel like its over for me. I know im exagerating but at the same time im not. Its over in the sense of ever being successful and happy. i failed at the most important time in my life. The days never get better, they only get horribly worse. So this is probably the end of the time for me.",Depression +47518,"Exhausted/Tired all the time (in denial) So I am a 36 year old male. I have had depression on and off my entire life. More on than off, but my off periods were fantastic. I was capable of pure joy. Energy. Zest. I could be the person that lights up a room. Sorry to toot my own horn. I have always, however, had health anxiety. Worried about this and that, many medical tests, etc. + +Over the last year, other than the 2 months I was on Zyprexa (which I guess should be very telling) I am exhausted beyond belief. I am crying all the time. I almost never feel well-rested. I want to sleep all day. But even when I try to nap I rarely fall asleep. I just lie there and remain exhausted. Physically so exhausted. Last year I had a stupid pulmonologist (sometimes they dabble in ""sleep medicine) suggest to me that I had narcolepsy. As a person with health anxiety, this was terrifying. I got 3-4 separate medical opinions, ALL of them from major Universities. They all said I didn't even close to have narcolepsy, and that It was my depression causing it. My tests (overnight sleep study and daytime nap study) weren't close. I didn't believe them. I was in denial. **I think because I used to have times when I felt great and the depression lifted, this had to be something different.** + +However, if I try to look at things objectively I have to see that in the last year, I have become a caretaker for my mother with ALS who is rapidly progressing, I have become more isolated and hang out with friends less, and haven't been working on my passion (music) as much. + +Has anyone else gone through *depression denial* and tried to find a medical explanation for their somatic symptoms (lethargy, exhaustion, brain fog, crying all the time) only to get every medical test in the book and have all doctors (and friends and family that know you best and love you) tell you its depression? + +side note: I went for a run (while crying lol) yesterday for the first time in two years and it totally took away my brain fog. I still feel tired, but I feel clearer. That was new.",Depression +47519,"I don’t know who I am anymore I’ve always been known for my kindness and empathy and, in my opinion, that was the only thing good about me but lately I’ve been rude sometimes and making “jokes” who hurt other people without thinking about it. My intention never was hurting them but I say what comes to my mind without thinking how it would affect others. As a sensitive person, I feel like a piece of shit because I would not like if the things I say were redirected to me (that’s I know they are rude). I’m afraid I’m turning into a horrible person because I’m losing my common sense and it’s making me conscious because the moment I realize I did that I feel the worst person on earth. I want to be a kind person again",Depression +47520,"Don't want to eat I feel like shit I never rly knew how bad depression can get until now. When ppl say they can't do any including bushing their teeth I never understood that feeling, but now I get it I don't want to do anything I feel like breathing is painful I don't want to leave my bed. I don't want to study I don't want to go to school. I don't want to talk ppl(not that I have anyone to talk to). I can't even tell anyone cuz Idk what to say. I want to tell my bf but he's falling out of love and he's already going though it. I'm asian so mental health isn't a thing in my house. My finals are in a 3 months that determine my college and I physically and mentally am so exhausted. I think killing myself is much more easier then existing. I can't eat I feel weak constantly. I feel fat but also so light. I just want to die.",Depression +47521,choking feeling Does anyone know why I feel like I'm suffocating? If anyone knows can they please help me?,Depression +47522,"How do you find a psychiatrist I have asked this either on this reddit or another one a while back and never got a response, I am a relatively healthy person, although I don't have a set doctor or do yearly checkups or anything, so I don't exactly know how I go about finding someone to give me a evaluation cause I definitely feel as if I have some really bad social anxiety and it has really been affecting my overall happiness but sitting around diagnosing myself doesn't exactly help the problem.",Depression +47523,"Reflecting on where I was five years ago to now I made a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/7ykd0j/just_thinking_about_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) five years ago about some thoughts I had at the time. Reflecting back on them, I'm surprised with how articulate my thoughts were back then. More importantly, the feelings I harbored have changed for the worse. + +I'm still naïve to the adult world. I'm only 27, but I've lost all my innocence by this point. I think the hardest thing to do as an adult is maintain friendships and socialize. Even working was easier for me. I still consider myself a failure in this all, and I've lost hope by this point in any personal success. It's no longer fine. + +I've stopped paying attention to the world outside. It's still broken, and I've no hope that it will be in a better state in the future. People will struggle at one point or another, for varied lengths of time. I'm still struggling. + +I'm still a kid who never grew up. I'm immature. I'm not smart. I'm not capable of great things. I've wasted too much time thinking about useless things like what the future may hold and what purpose I have in this world. This reality truly is tiring. + +I still don't believe this reality is for me. I'm not fine. I've not been fine this whole time, even though I've been doing my best to get through it all. I still see suicide as my only way out and still struggle with ideation, fearing that I won't be able to integrate into society like a normal person. I'm still afraid to go through with suicide, even though I'm physically hurting almost every day from living, and I don't think I'll ever be able to go through with suicide because of that fear. I will forever be trapped here until I die from natural causes or an accident. + +It's become more difficult to live, and I expect it to be even more difficult as time moves on. I find it hard to get out of bed until hours later where I feel regretful for staying in bed for too long. I don't have the motivation or strength to do things that would benefit me, like showering consistently, cleaning, or eating meals. I can't even push myself to find work. I feel bad for telling people this stuff, and I don't trust any professionals with this either. I want to improve, but I lose motivation easily. I don't have anyone or a support group to keep me on my feet. I can't do this by myself. I don't know what to do next to make things better for myself.",Depression +47524,"How will alcohol make my problems worse? My problem is that I am lonely but also that I want nothing to do with other people. I am permanently stuck in this conundrum. I feel like I wasted the first 23 years of my life and I am terminally behind socially and will never catch up (part of me does not want to). I am stuck in a never ending cycle of anxiety and sadness. Alcohol, in the rare times I’ve used it, calms me down. It makes the anxiety surrounding my circumstances dissipate. I don’t see how making drinking a habit will worsen my life. Usually alcohol ruins your relationships, but I already don’t leave the house or have much human contact. It stops you from solving your problems, but I already am doing nothing about them. It poisons your body physically but I don’t care about my physical health. It will hold you back in your career but I am already half-assing it at work. I don’t see how alcohol is going to make my problems worse.",Depression +47525,"Tired of being tired I’ve been waiting my whole life for things to get better. I’ll be 30 in July and just don’t see the point. No friends to talk to and only time my family calls me is when they need a babysitter. Only person I have to talk to is my therapist and while I’m grateful for her I feel incredibly lonely. I feel like the only people who care about me is my mom and grandma. My grandma’s health is declining and while I appreciate my mom, she only has time to talk when I’m having a breakdown. Everybody says things will get better but no one says what to do when they don’t. No one says what to do when you get so tired of waiting. Everybody just says better days are coming and you’re supposed to believe it. I wish with everything in me that I could be happy but that dream is light years away. I wish I had guidance. I wish being lonely didn’t weigh so heavy on my heart.",Depression +47526,I want to kill myself I want to kill myself but i am to afraid to do it. I just don't want ot exist,Depression +47527,"Ever felt like you don't want anything in life Everyday I repeat myself doing the same shit again n again. I don't know whats going on inside my brain, I can see its functioning like a system doing its thing but I clearly don't know what its doing and why im stuck inside it. Made me curious but I started thinking what if there is only one voice behind every person or any living thing on this planet, like there is one spirit just experiencing itself of its variant energies in its own creation of all forms of life on this planet and that we are all one but part of the play. how do I stop my consciousness its painful to be awake, in our sleep we don't know where we go, also forget we even have a body and that there is consciousness. literally what am I thinking about. anyway all this seems like a dream but the game is running slow, one day the battery will drain out and I will finally experience the real me (which i think is pure awareness/consciousness of infinite energy)",Depression +47528,"Just found out my dad is emotionally abusive and controlling after not seeing him for 6 years. I contacted him in the hopes that he would let me stay with him so I can get a job in Massachusetts since I don't like living in Texas with my mom who is also abusive. +I've been texting him and he keeps demanding respect from me and said that me saying ""hey"" to him through is disrespectful and that I should call him sir, even though he says hey to me whenever he calls me, he thinks he has power over me despite me being 18. He's currently renting and moving to an apartment in Gloucester Massachusetts with his other family members for us to live in, I bought a mattress and a bed frame on amazon and shipped it to his address there, today I asked him if he could take another picture of my mattress since it arrived a few days earlier and he blew up at me, asking me why I don't trust him because my bed is already there and telling me I shouldn't disrespect him. Considering this interaction its pretty easy to tell that he would yell at me for the smallest thing if I went there, it wouldn't surprise me if he hit me too, he's like the last person I could rely on and it turns out he's just an angry piece of shit. + +Althought I should blame my mom for being a whore and cheating on her husband with my dad and bringing me into this hell. +Everyone around me, even other adults and therapists tell me that I need to forgive her because she's my mom despite her beating me since I was younger for no reason, watching me get sexually assaulted as a child and making me believe this is all my fault, Ive been trying to be open minded but I cant help but believe that christians are all fucking disgusting pigs that shouldn't exist since my family is full of christians who do what they do for ""god"". + +I bought a rope a few days ago in hopes that I'd have the courage to hang myself, but I'm scared, my birthday is in 5 days, would it be better to try it then? I might cause permanent damage to my throat if I fail, have ti be hospitalized but its better to try, then I'll have the courage to end it all completely, if anyone knows a good place or forest in Fort Worth Texas where I can hang myself without anyone coming to my aid I'd appreciate that, although I doubt many are gonna read this. + +I'm kinda desperate as well cuz I said that I was going to kill myself to a suicide hotline person out of anger lol, although it's a good thing I used a fake name, but if they arrive to my house and figure out it's me they'll throw me in a psych ward again, instead of the person who ruined my life, I don't want know if I want to go to Massachusetts anymore, I just can't take any of this seriously anymore. +I had another account where I'd make posts begging for someone to kill me or r*pe me, in hopes that some deranged human being would agree, but I've had no luck. If you want to motivate me to end my life please dm me.",Depression +47529,"The weight of life is getting too much to handle I'm tired. I going, have been going, must keep going. But I feel my body dying from the inside, I've not time to do the things I love and know and enjoy because I'm working then sped my free time recouping from working and when I'm not working I'm studying or schooling trying to escape the weight that crushes me so. I'm not letting go as in giving up but if you don't want to stay thats something else I'll simply have to be ok with. Because you're not the chase of this weight. When you're here, around, not trying to impress me or make me happy, just being yourself. The weight is there but I'm stronger. Strong nough to push back, to hold it with ease. But till you return I hold, I break. Cracking from the inside out. + +All poetry stuff aside, I'm sorry. I don't know how to say it, engineering is stressful and it's my last quarter before I graduate and I have a lot of work together don'te in this project. There's no easy way to say the stress is literally killing me. I pass on food, I don't sleep, and when I do the stress follows me there too. I work on it hoping to finish it so it'll be done but I'm not even sure if you'll want to be with me at that point. I scared you won't. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm so close to being done....I'm just not sure if it's with school or life now 😞 + +I give, I give, I give, I break, what's left to give when there's nothing more to take. My glass is empty, full of nothingness. Full of emptiness, yet I push on, because it's all I know",Depression +47530,"I don’t get it, life has no meaning I’ve been unemployed for 6 months, I’m 20K in credit card debt, I’ve been dealing with severe depression & anxiety and inter generational trauma for my entire life. I’ve been doing my best to apply myself these last few months and despite my best efforts I just end up at rock bottom time and time again. I have no motivation, no desires, and time feels like it’s just passing by in the most painful way. Life feels like one giant blur and nothing feels like it matters. Medication won’t work and my therapist helps but at the end of the day he can only so much. So, what to do? Every day I wake up and feel time pass by hour after hour as I sit on the couch. The first couple of months I went on walks, cooked, read, journaled, hung out with friends. But after 6 months, I kind of just wish I were dead. Living life in this meaningless unfulfilling way is so pathetic and I don’t want it anymore …",Depression +47531,"I'm bad at taking meds I think they might help me but I'm just awful at sticking to taking meds. I start off taking them everyday for maybe a week then I quickly fall off and start ""forgetting"" to take them. I'm not avoiding them. I literally forget that I'm even on medication. Plus medication in general tastes horrible or the pills are huge and get stuck in my throat and just hurt going down in general, so I almost prefer to forget. And even when I manage to finish a whole bottle, it doesn't do my laziness/motivation any good because I will then procrastinate asking my doctor for a refill, and procrastinate going to the pharmacy, or sometimes I don't feel like taking my money and spending it on meds that week or something always comes up. And the longer I put off refilling the meds is more time my body is without the meds, and whatever effects they might've been having are never able to reach their full potential. And for the short time that I take these meds, I don't see much change, in terms of helping or even side effects. They may as well be placebo. And since I get no benefit in the short term, it makes it hard to stick with in the long term. I'm not motivated enough to keep taking them. I can never stay consistent with medication which makes it difficult to even get better, I just feel hopeless. I have all these problems but can't stay consistent with the possible solutions to help me and always end up back at square one.",Depression +47532,"So...first post. Hi Hi everyone, first time posting. I apologize in advance for any error in my writing, English is not my first language. +I'm 30 and I've struggled with my emotions since I can remember. I am often sad about my life, I think I suck at most things even when I do succeed, I've been planning to kms since I was very little. +I find it difficult to talk about what troubles me because I feel like nobody believes me, that it doesn't matter, nobody can do anything about it so why bother. +When I decided to talk to a psychiatrist in August I was diagnosed with depression, but I still struggle to think that others will accept this. My parents want to find a solution like I'm a leaking roof or something like that, it's disheartening. +I don't know what I wanted to say but I wanted to talk to someone who's not my everyday. I hope my post didn't break any rules, I read them and I think it didn't.",Depression +47533,Smile Tips? Tips for learning how to smile? This is a real question I have been taking care of my hygiene a lot better my teeth is starting to turn white again I been using Facebook dating and I would like to take a picture of me smiling but everytime I attempt to smile I feel like a whole psycho like it’s fake or something and I feel like people can see through it maybe I lack confidence or something 🤷🏽,Depression +47534,I'm tired of living for happiness of a family that doesn't give a shit about mine It's getting harder and harder everyday to stay alive and suffer for a family that caused my depression.,Depression +47535,"I can't cry anymore I have so many thoughts and emotions i want to get out somehow but I can't even cry, I feel so numb.",Depression +47536,"Morning lows what too do? Im currently in therapy and it’s helping me a lot. I managed too do things that I feared and I’m pretty proud that I made it this far, but one thing I struggle with the most is getting up out of bed and when I manage too stand up I feel like shit for 3-5hours (still better then 24/7 like it was before but I need too fix it so I can go back to work and stop beeing an adult kid living by his parents) I have nightmares every night and still my brain tells me too stay in bed. Every night I tell myself tomorrow you gonna make it but it never really works out. So my question is did anyone had the same problem and find a good solution. +(Sorry for bad English ty for reading :) )",Depression +47537,"My depression is the worst it’s ever been I’ve tried everything. Medication, multiple kinds. Therapy, multiple forms and therapists. Journaling. Exercise. Even substances. Nothing works. +I don’t find joy in anything. Like at all, even my old hobbies and interests. It’s like I am not passionate about anything. +I’m 29, I don’t have my own place, and now I have no job since I quit because it was destroying my mental health and killing my soul. + +I know it is a combination of clinical and situational factors. I can’t take care of myself. I “sleep” all day but also have horrible insomnia at night. I haven’t been eating and essentially starve myself every day. I can’t even make myself shower let alone clean my room or surroundings. I hate being sober. I’m so mentally fragile and I cry all the time. I don’t want to be the miserable person I have become. + +Everyone says “let me know if you need anything!” Or “how can I help you?” But I don’t know what to ask for since I don’t even know how to help myself. I wish I knew what to ask for or could ask for help. I don’t know how to improve my situation or make things better. I feel hopeless and have for a long time.",Depression +47538,"How do you cope with being alone? How do you cope when you don’t have many people to talk to? I have “friends” but we rarely talk and I don’t feel a connection to them… +And how do you cope when you’ve lost your best friend, forever..? We were closer than I’ve ever been to anyone and it’s hard to go from day to day without being able to talk to them. +They left abruptly after admitting they were lying to me about a lot of things, but weirdly, just a few minutes before they left they told me how much they cared and how they’d never stop fighting for me. But they’re gone now so. Idk. People tell me to try to make amends but I’ve tried and it hasn’t worked. The only people who seem interested in coming back into my life are people who have abused me. + +I feel so alone. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything.",Depression +47539,"Had enough now and am considering offing myself. It’s not sadness or anger I’m filled with anymore… it’s just nothingness. I can’t remember the last time I really smiled or had a good laugh, I’ll watch co workers laughing at a joke and when they’re eyes meet mine I have to apply the classic fake smile to avoid those awkward questions. +I used to break down a lot… like a lot… had my work notice the aftermath of a lunchtime sob in my car and was pulled into the office and asked the usual “are you ok” nonsense. + +Having sleeping issue’s because I just don’t want tomorrow to actually come. Don’t want to deal with another day of perpetual bullshit. + +Leaving seems like the idea solution just now. I’m done with the rat race and the constant battle to survive… tired of piloting this meat cage around.",Depression +47540,Tomorrow is my birthday 27 and all I wish is to go to a rave and take drugs and have fun but I can’t even do that anymore because of meds… good news is i can finally join club 27,Depression +47541,"I stay up late every day, my whole life. Is that somehow good for my psyche or why am I doing it unconsciously? I'm no longer depressed but have heard that sleep deprivation helps a lot.",Depression +47542,"I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. if anyone sees this and wanna just talk, feel free to message me :')",Depression +47543,"Turning into alcohol Hey all. I'm getting worse. I've been battling depression ever since I finished high school, and it's been progressively getting worse. I thought getting a girlfriend would fix it, it doesn't. Nothing seems to help. I've come to realize life is pointless and it doesn't matter what I do to myself. I've been hurting myself, cutting, etc. and lately I've started drinking. + + It started with just a couple of nights of drinking on holiday. Then I realized hey I kind of like alcohol. Started to have a couple of beers a few times a week. Now I'm having them every night and bought my first large case of them ""just in case"" I wanna have some beers the next night. + +I know this is a step to the worse and that I could stop right now with minimal discomfort. I just really don't care anymore and I want someone to notice I'm not okay because I can't really talk about it myself to the people I know. At the same time I don't want this to turn into full blown alcoholism because that would be bad, but at the same time I don't know if I even care that much anymore. + +If I didn't have my family I would more than likely end my life. + +Thank u for reading this far. I just needed some outlet and if anyone has words of comfort I'll happily hear them.",Depression +47544,"I feel like I never stood a chance I was made fun of over my appearance ever since I was young. I was just a child and had poor self esteem and confidence even though I didn’t know about those concepts yet. I was afraid to interact with others and felt like everywhere I went, people were laughing at me. This lasted all the way until I graduated high school. + +Years of maturing and some plastic surgery later, I don’t feel as self conscious but the damage has been done. I hate myself. I feel grotesque and worthless. I want to die so that I stop feeling this way. I constantly wonder why the universe would allow me to come into this world and live like this. Am I being punished for something I did in my past life? + +I have tried therapy but the “relief” was only brief. I would take a picture or catch my reflection at a different angle and be reminded just how ugly I am. I want to accept it but it’s so hard. I find myself mourning my younger self and it makes me even more depressed to know that there was no hope for me from the start.",Depression +47545,"Thinking about skipping graduation? I am a little sad that I have to post on this sub again. i suffered from depression since high school. When I was in college, I saw a therapist, which really helped. I thought my depression was finally gone for good. But 3 years later (graduating from a community college), my therapist (another one) just helped me realize I still have depression. For a long time, I have mistaken it for anxiety, but depression made more sense. I feel so sad right now, I am dealing with a lot. I know the core of my depression and am fighting it. + +Anyways, my graduation is next month in April, and I don't feeling like celebrating. I don't want to go. I think I am worthless and not worth celebrated for. I think I don't deserve love, I don't like it when my family celebrates me, I just don't feel like it, I don't deserve all that love and happiness. I am scared. it overwhelms me. + +I am aware that I am talking to myself very negatively. With everything (job, relationships, school,...) that is happening right now, I can't put more eggs in my basket, I really don't wanna deal with my graduation now, I have too much going on already. + +I just needed to rant about this.",Depression +47546,"I am not doing alright I screwed up. For the past 6\\7 years depression and anxiety hit me hard on and off. Due to loneliness and the want for a relationship. + +The past 5 years iv been on and off several dating apps with zero success, adding to my depression. + +Fast forward to just over a week ago and i finally match with a girl in my own town, we talk for a week and exchange snap. that day I finally meet her at a slight house gathering / party and im up all night talking and having a laugh for the first time in what i felt like was forever. + +then last night i did something incredibly stupid. We had been talking pretty much non stop on snap ever since and she goes to a local pub with her friends and stops replying to me (fair enough, she can have fun) then sends me a snap saying shes going to some friends house and half an hour later another snap of her extremely drunk on the toilet saying ""im fucked"" and i immediately start to worry. I ask if she is ok, if she is safe and has people with her and she doesnt reply. I try to call 4 times with no answer then 5 minutes later she sends a very inaudable snap that i dont even know what she was saying, almost spitting saliva everywhere and my worry gets worse.... + +For some reason In my manic worry i decided to get in my car and go to the house we met in origionaly because i didnt know where she was and they might have.. turns out she was there and in her extremely drunken state was wondering why i there when she was just trying to have some fun. + +I tried to explain but she just wouldnt listen, i apologized this morning but even though she said she still wanted to talk to me, she has been very distant and not messaged me back all day... + +I feel like i just want to curl up and sleep, everything feels weak and even i can hear my voice sounds literally depressed when i try to talk to someone... idk what to do",Depression +47547,"Cannot live, cannot die Food does not taste good. The sunshine doesn't warm my skin as it used to. Exercise leaves me only drained not satisfied. I cannot live properly, but I cannot die. I have a loving family and I cannot do that to them. I am hanging in a superposition. A hell of routine that is not longer designed for me but for who I used to be. My study turned my passion into mindless work. I am too broke and too far down the study to stop it now. I have one year left. Therapy does not help and I do not trust depression meds. I am lonely surrounded by people. What does one do when negativity takes over? I was told depression means I am not in the right place. That my lifestyle needs to change. Yet...I am barely managing to do the little I am doing. I am trying to take responsibility for my situation and change what I can control but...it all falls short. I feel like I am chasing something but even when I stop and appreciate the moments it is just a fleeting break from the endless torture. + +It feels that the world is going mad, each year they discover something else that we humans broke. From microplastics, carbon emissions to the impending doom of nuclear war. I would say that I am losing hope but I am already hopeless. + +Yet...this is not how I felt just a few days ago. It comes and goes. For a few days I feel like a human and then I plunge back into this torture. Like on a rollercoaster. I am pushing away the little friends that I have, because if I stay silent then they still feel somethings up and when I open up they just don't like the negativity. I don't even know why I am writing this post. Just to kill time before it finally kills me.",Depression +47548,"The only reason of all this misery is simply that we cant leave this life at any moment easily If you dont like playing some game, you simply click a button and leave it. If you dont enjoy being at some random party you just go home. Do you see where im going with this? This life is the same fking thing, its just an experience, its nothing special, its not what all these people are making of it. Literally this life is utterly miserable objectively for the majority of people, and i dont care if some minority gets to enjoy this life and squeeze max pleasure from it. If i dont want to be here than its fking obvious that im not obligated by anything to continue to stay here. And its not only about me not wanting to continue, its about this life being such a fking terrible painful shit that its unbearable to even exist there. Something or Someone clearly designed this life this certain way so that we cant leave this life any moment without pain without fear without any aftermath whatsoever. They even called it ""death"" and gave us this stereotype that death is so dramatic, its so scary, its so bad, you should survive and avoid it. Like its 100% objective truth that if everyone had an ability to simply end this life whenever they want, nobody would be depressed, there would be no suffering, no misery, we wouldn't even have this conversation. I mean imagine even having to fking talk about this miserable shit i mean existence should be about having fun, to be happy, to have beautiful memories, not to be stuck in this shit and wondering what the actual fk is this. There is not one asshole that will tell me that i should live this life if i dont want. I would beat the shit out of any bitch that would hesitate to even suggest to me that i should do something that i dont fking want. I know exactly what i feel inside and its just billions time stronger and more powerful and makes much more sense than any kind of shit that this world propagates. Even if billion people will scream at me that im worthless piece of shit just because i dont care about this life i would give a single fuck because i know that im right, i know for sure that no sentient conscious being with empathy and logic would even suggest that this abomination what we call ""life"" is great",Depression +47549,"I can't even wash my hands when no one will see that I did it Hello! Today, I (18M) fully realized that I cannot function properly as a human being, unless I'm directly seeking acceptance in others. This translates to me not showering, not brushing my teeth, not shaving, not even washing my hands when no one is going to see that I am clean and ""normal"". + + + I recently started college, I've been making friends and generally having a great time, this, if u look at it from the outside. + + + Inside my head, I just cannot get the sense out of my mind that someone is going to think less of me and criticize me physically, because of my clothes, my face, my hair, because I have a gray shadow even after just 30 minutes of shaving, because somehow I smell bad, etc. I have crippling anxiety just thinking about someone criticizing my looks in their heads (And don't let me start with my personality), basically all this converts into me having a sort of ""Double life"". + + +When I need to go outside, I do all the work I can possibly do to try and look nice, smell good and be a nice person. But the moment I'm in my home, my mind unconsciously switches to a gross side, I don't take care of myself in any way type or form, suddenly I am mean, lazy, antisocial and want to die once again. The cycle repeats day after day, I've been trying to make myself go to the gym and eat better for months now, but my body just doesn't respond, every fiber of my mind tells me that I can't do anything right, I will always be kinda ugly, kinda fat, and kinda gross, so why bother trying? + + +Maybe nothing of this makes any sense, sorry, english is not my first language and i'm just trying to cope somehow",Depression +47550,"my 9-5 is both helping and making me worse when i was unemployed, my life had no structure. the only reason i ever did anything besides rot in bed was my cat. + +now that i have a remote job, this is all i do. i just exist. my week is a blur. my weekends are sad and structureless. + +i have nothing else. i don’t talk to anyone except my parents because i live at home (another reason for my misery…) + +today my boss met with me to talk about my long term goals… + +meanwhile all day every day all i can think about is leaving this earth. how can i think long term if i don’t even know how to get through each day anymore??? all i want is a way out. + +i had to be so fake and act enthusiastic. it hurts so much.",Depression +47551,"job interviews Those questions about ""what drives you"", ""what makes you passionate"". They're going to keep me unemployed. I can't even fake an answer. Literally don't know what to say.",Depression +47552,"The life I've worked for is gone. When I was 18, I had moved out because I has a strained relationship with my family. I moved away because I wanted to put distance so that the relationship could be repaired. I ended up moving across state lines and then eventually moved down south, halfway across the country, at my father's suggestion for an easier life while I worked and got my degree. And the distance did exactly what I wanted: it showed my parents that I was strong and capable and mature and that I was an adult. But it also created a great longing for home. + +Life was easier. I got a better job, I bought a house, and I live comfortably with my husband. But... We don't like it here. We like the small city, the restaurants, the proximity, the healthcare, etc. But the environment and climate do not align with us. We are northerners at heart. We like the seasons, fall and winter, the hills, the mountains, the streams winding through the forest. We miss it so dearly it hurts sometimes. + +But I also miss my family. I miss my parents, my brother, my nephew. I miss my childhood best friend and her family. I am heartbroken seeing years pass and I am missing from their daily life and they are missing from mine. I am just incredibly lonely here, and I want to be with them. + +There has always been an obstacle preventing us from moving back, but the biggest one being how expensive it is there, and we would have struggled unless we were finished school and in our well-playing fields. So years pass by and we stay here, while wishing we there. + +Well now my parents are getting older, approaching their 60s. They want to retire, but they don't want to retire there, they want to retire in the state I'm currently in. + +So then, becomes a new dilemma: do I stay in this state that doesn't make me happy, so I can be with my parents (and potentially my brother in time)? Do I move back home and enjoy my brother's company for as long as I have it, I have my friends, my climate, and my job? Either way I'm giving up something that feels non-negotiable for my complete happiness. + +I'm overcome with this intense sadness that I've spent all the years where I could have had it all being away. And now they are gone and I feel as if the life I have worked so hard in my degree and in life to get back to is gone. + +Ive tried talking to my family about staying in their current state or maybe moving to another state that I know they love and enjoy and that we do as well, and they don't budge - this is their plan. I feel selfish when I push too hard. + +I don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I just accepted a job in my career because I just graduated but its even further south and even though its an amazing career opportunity, I feel like its a step backward in the life I wanted.",Depression +47553,"I wish I wasn’t like this I am a 19 year old student in college studying in computer science, who despite being in his 4th semester is still stuck in the 2nd. I am unable to make any lasting connections with any other students I’ve met during those semesters. The only people i talk too are people i have been friends with in high school and their friends. This is our last semester together has the have chosen a pre +University to then follow their ambitions and have the job they wanted. I have become so tired and hopeless that i am just barely following the classes anymore and recently I started not going to any of them if its one of those days. I never thought i would make it past 16 honestly and im even more surprised that I haven’t gotten to courage to attempt to end myself again. + +I am just so tired of all of this, All the things that I used to love means literally nothing to me, I keep getting overwhelmed by everything at the middle of the semester, I keep self sabotaging so bad that i just lay in bed all day or do nothing productive at all. Ive never seen myself in a future where I could be happy with the others and Ive lost all my hopes and dreams. Over the years i have developed the worse eating habits as well as letting my negative self talk become louder and louder to the point when sometimes when I wake up, Im already defeated by it so I see no point in getting out of bed or do anything at all. Why even bother if it’s pointless anyway. + +I dont even get why I am becoming like this. I barely understand how I feel, how think or what the hell I am even doing. +I thought I could prove my thoughts wrong by proving that I could do stuff but Im coming close and closer to accomplishing another self fulfilling prophecy each time, thinking about death being the only way out of this since its the only way to stop existing. + +Although I think this is true I know deep down that its also a lie. I envy those who can just wake up, go through life and enjoy it. Idk how they do it but I wish I could experience it. Just being alive for once, being human without ruining everything that I do. I want to be able to convey emotions again, cry instead of blocking all of this sadness in my throat without having to bottle everything up until I breakdown, be angery at stuff due to how wrong some of them are, be happy and have way more better days than what I am having rn and laugh at how everything is just absurd with other people. I dont want to stay as this subhuman filth that I have become but every step I take takes me to nowhere so I am just here, standing still while watching everything else moving forward.",Depression +47554,"Depressed GF (f31) ended things with me (m30) to not put me through it, but I still want to support her. She was warming back up to me again and has since snapped about a job she asked me to do I have a situation that I won’t go too much detail, but I’ll probably write a lot about it + +My gf/now ex ended things last weekend because of her severe depression after she was crying about everything and didn’t want to put me through it. She told me she always pushes everyone away. She lost her two year old boy three years ago and never got help to grieve. We also found she miscarried just before the weekend too, however before this she told me she was not wanting the baby. + +The day after this happened I shut myself off from my phone and apparently she tried to contact me, raced around to my apartment and was shaking giving me a big hug thinking i’d done something to myself (wasn’t my intention). + +Since then I’ve felt down about it. I made it clear to her that I want her but I understand that isn’t important right now and her getting better is key, that I would stick by her no matter what. She appreciated this and said let’s see what the future holds but that she needs space between us. I agreed and respected this. She also said she still loves me. + +She came over a couple of days ago and I was on the phone to customer service. When she spoke to them they asked who she was and she said “his partner” which confused me. She invited me to IKEA after I finished work so I could help her with buying stuff, we went and got some food and overall we had a laugh (like our earlier days). + +I’m trying to give her space but she keeps contacting me about things in the apartment, etc. Her mum had asked me to reset some laptops for her but I was given no deadline and had been very busy lately. + +My ex tried to call me multiple times this morning about the laptops but I was working. I called her on my break and she was very aggressive on the phone. I mentioned doing this as a favour but she called me an “inconsiderate c*nt” because of what her mum had done for me. She also complained at me that if it wasn’t for her nothing would have got done in our apartment and that she was in there today sorting stuff. + +What originally caused her to leave our apartment and go back to her mums were these low moments she’d have lashing out because of her depression. My issue was i’d react to it, turn it into something more and walk out the room, so when she was being like this on the phone I wanted to be the opposite and tell her it’ll be okay and i’ll sort it. She spiralled into a meltdown with me and hung up. + +I sent a message after saying it’ll be sorted tonight and i’ll drop the laptops off, that I do appreciate everything her and her mum have done. + +I just don’t know what to do. I feel like this is a further step back and she now hates me. She seemed to be warming back up to me when we were at IKEA. I still want to be there and support her when she needs me, but I feel like after this, depression aside.. why would she even want to consider making a go of things with someone she sees as “inconsiderate, dragging feet, etc”. ? + +I plan to keep giving her space until she reaches out again, but I keep thinking that in the long term I’ve severed any chance of her returning. I want to show her I’m not like that, just I’ve had to juggle everything so I’m finding it difficult to complete jobs she wants alongside balancing my own life + +I want to support her through her depression so much, I love her, but it just feels like she hates me right now",Depression +47555,I just woke up. I can't fucking take this anymore.,Depression +47556,I'm losing my sense of reality. I don' have no idea what to do.,Depression +47557,FUCK !!!! IM TIRED !!!! 🥰 starting to become a deeply resentful person and i hate myself for that 😱😳,Depression +47558,"I feel so lost I've forgotten who I was before. All my memories feel like faded recollections of a dream I had ages ago. I don't have much of a personality anymore, or opinions on anything. I feel like a child ghost among human adults, pretending to fit in. Maybe I should just forget about it all and try to become someone new, but I'm scared and I don't want to completely lose myself.",Depression +47559,"I’m at the end I made plans to end my life this week. I didn’t get to bc my partner has been here and I know he’s not going to let me. And I’m not sure if it’s because I can’t get it over with him here or the depression itself but I’ve been really irritable. His jokes aren’t funny anymore, I get visceral when he play fights with me, I get so angry at him I want to cry and be violent. It just sucks because he was the absolute last thing thats brought me any type joy these pasts few weeks. I guess it really is time to go, I can’t continue this miserable existence for much longer and I truly don’t plan to.",Depression +47560,"Why just why I don’t know what to do anymore i have no friends no family when it comes to trying being strong i do I really do try. But when one succumbs to his own mental thoughts it can be detrimental how one perceives life. I’m currently homeless and have no one to rely on except myself even though im homeless i do have a job and want a future for myself but sometimes its to difficult to move on(and im taking about mentally, (being surrounded by your own thoughts can be detrimental to one’s health)",Depression +47561,"Every single person I've told that I'm depressed has left me. They all leave. They say they are there for people, but when you actually are in that place they say nothing and stop talking to you. It is so hard to struggle every single day, and to have people see you struggling, but choose to do and say nothing. They say open up to us. When I do they explain it away. Depression is hard because yoy are completely alone. It's like being stuck in a desert, there's no hope and no respite- just death.",Depression +47562,"Not sure what to do So, my prior job turned extremely toxic back in November due to new management. It devastated my (already shitty) mental health. In January I couldn’t take it anymore so I quit. I’m 42 years old and I have a mortgage and I live alone with my dog. There’s no money coming in and my house payment is 23 days late. + +I’ve tried getting a new job, but due to my depression, I can barely make myself go to the mailbox and get the mail more than once per week. I’ve only left my house once in the last 2 months. I’ve had 2 interviews lined up but I couldn’t make myself go. + +So, a couple weeks ago I had the idea to start a business. I failed to get any investors, so I said fuck it and started using my credit cards to buy the tools and equipment I need. + +I’m currently just about out of money, and I’m nowhere near ready to start the business. Making and selling things, basically is the business model. + +I’ve been really starting to feel the full weight of this decision and the pressure to not fail is insane. I don’t know what to do if I fail. + +I’ve had plenty of suicidal thoughts since back in November, but I was able to push them away. My dog and my dad (he lives in another state and has health issues and he’s pushing 80) are the only things keeping me from swallowing the old bottle of ambien in my cupboard, pulling my car into the garage, and just letting it all go. + +The part of me that wants to live is getting smaller everyday. I’ve discussed all this with my therapist and one friend, but even then I have a habit of sugar coating things. + +I just don’t know what to do. I feel broken and empty inside. Out of nowhere I’ll just break down and cry. I can’t remember the last time I thought “hey maybe things are gonna be ok”. + +I guess that’s the end of my rant. Thanks for reading this far. Take care, everyone!",Depression +47563,"I’m so tired I don’t know why I’m on here, guess I just needed to get it out of my system. + +I think I’m finally done, done trying to be okay. I just want it to stop, everything. +I’m trying so hard to “protect my peace” but is just not working anymore. Trying to rebuild myself into a better me, trying to “find my spark” again but I’m just done. I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, im trying my best to take care of myself. Eating better and making sure I’m taking care of my body, sleeping good hours and taking my meds but it’s just not worth it anymore. +Im so disgusted in myself, im so disgusted that I don’t want to keep fighting for everyone I love. I don’t want my family and friends to experience me just leaving, I don’t want to put that pain on them. I don’t want my little sister to grow up without me, I don’t want her to not understand why I don’t come to visit her anymore. I want to be there when she has her first partner, her first heartbreak,when she gets her license, gets married and has her first kid of her own. I don’t want her to ever know what it’s like to loose someone like this. + I fucking love everyone but I’ve just tired everything, psychs, meds, spiritual journeys, taking it one day at a time. Nothing works. I just can’t do it anymore, im fucking exhausted.",Depression +47564,"I can’t believe I’m real and I can feel my skin and bones hugging the organs inside me and I feel like I’m going insane Forgive me if the title is graphic but I can’t tell who I am anymore, if the voices are me, and why they’re all so different and treat me like this whole other person. I can’t tell what kind of person I am and I’m losing myself. It feels like my mind has shattered and my body is being shared by the different people in my head. Where did I go? Is this me who feels this way?",Depression +47565,"Want to die but just can’t seem to do it I have 0 intention of living. I’ve never been able to view life the way others view it, and therefore never really enjoyed much in life to begin with. After cracking my brain for countless of nights i still can’t come up with what’s stopping me for doing it. This may come off as me being ungrateful/selfish for my family/friends but i can’t live this life any longer just for them. It has already gotten to a point where they’re starting to blame themselves for how i’ve turned out and it’s just not fair to them. Yet despite knowing all of this and wanting to die with all my heart, i still don’t have what it take to do it. I can’t even wrap my head around how pathetically weak my mind is…Can’t i just do something right for once",Depression +47566,Don’t know where I went wrong I’ve been in community college for a few semesters. I was finally gonna go to my dream college this fall… but I needed a scholarship to afford it. I worked really hard. I got extremely high marks. Good enough that my professors here gave me early congratulations. Yet I just got the news today that I got nothing. I won’t be able to afford it. I can’t go. And it’s a pretty hopeless field without a good degree. I just feel so broken and lost. No idea what I did wrong or what else I could have done. I was finally starting to feel better about my life and now I have no trajectory again. I don’t even want to finish my current semester. I’m just done. It’s over.,Depression +47567,"Relapse Prevention I was struggling with depression for years, and I got out of it by going to therapy, making lifestyle choices and shifting into a mindset of ""i deserve taking care of myself."" I still had a lot of anxiety and insecurity, but I could at least moderately function and feel joy and happiness. + +I'm feeling myself slip back into depression, partially due to a lack of fulfillment/accomplishment at my job, a long with realizing that I'm not living up to my very high expectations on a personal level. + +Any tips for not falling in the hole? I know that every day I don't do anything about it will make it so much harder to get back to a normal level of functioning.",Depression +47568,"Everyone thinks it's so easy I woke up over stimulated today +I don't have the energy to even explain why I'm so angry and tired of everything + +We don't have money +They cut the benifits on our food stamps from the pandemic help thingy + +Now we can barley feed ourselves and it's not a matter of reapplying +That won't fix that + +I need to get a job +But no one is hiring +I don't have a license +Because no one has the time to take me to take the test + +I love with my mom and little brother +Who both have health issues +Especially my mom +I'm afraid to leave them alone +Because if something happened while I was gone +That would be my worst nightmare + +But it's looking like I need to get a job +Somewhere close by where I live +Get my mom to sit down and reapply for social security +She keeps putting it off it more infuriating and new ways + +I just feel strongly about closing my eyes and just disappearing +I think that would be nice +But I can't so... + +I'm happy that people think it's so easy from the outside looking in +That I'm just ""complaining for nothing"" +That I'm lazy and scared +That I need to grow up + +Trying going from a family of 6 to a family of three in a matter of months +And see how you deal with those deaths and traumas + +I started a new medication +Wellbutrin +Idk what to think of it yet +It's only been 3 days + +But I already feel so angry +That always happens when I try to take depression medication +It makes me manic and angry +More easily irritated I guess +Idk +I'm just tired of people talking to me about my life like I'm a clueless child +Like I haven't already tried all the obvious answers over and over and over again +Like in a fucking idiot",Depression +47569,My biggest regret As the days go on the more I think about everything that’s happened in the past years I can honestly say that I regret being so weak I absolutely despise the moment in my life when I let my feelings take over telling myself it was okay to cry when shit got tough telling myself it was okay to shut down for a little this world has shown me that it’ll never stops kicking you even when your down and having to learn how to be strong again has been a journey trying to better myself hasn’t been easy and I know that as life goes on it won’t get any easier,Depression +47570,It’s back I can’t do this again,Depression +47571,"I'm spiralling & I can see it, but I can't stop it So my partner recently got diagnosed with cancer. He'll be ok with treatment but still awful. I went the docs & got back on meds as the stress was crippling me. Now all I want to do is sleep or punch things. I feel so angry all the time which really isn't me & I hate it. Everyone around me has noticed the change in me & said something which make me feel terrible. I'm just ranting because I don't know what else to do.",Depression +47572,"What can I do in this case? I've been struggling with severe depression for a long time.I had a traumatic childhood. My parents didn't had any kind of love and were always shouting and fighting. I was always alone and nobody wanted to go out with me, watch a movie with me Or spend time with me. Now I suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder. It's getting so severe now, it's like one moment I'm very calm, talking and greeting people nicely with a huge smile and always willing to help but as soon as I see anyone happy I literally get terribly rude and feel like choking the life out of them. In this personality I literally feel like unaliving people as if I would really enjoy it. It's getting so bad now that others have started to notice. Am I becoming a psychopath? What can I do? I feel like I'm living on a limited time.",Depression +47573,"Is “freezing” typical in depression Hello, I’m in menopause with 2 teenagers, one in crisis that’s been going on for at least a year. My husband travels frequently so it’s hard to depend on him for daily “hands on support”, but he is very supportive otherwise. I’m taking Wellbutrin for SAD, but I’m now considering staying on it for the time being. In the past two weeks, my teenager in crisis has needed much more support than usual, which is incredibly draining and stressful for me despite the fact they have a good team in place. I’ve noticed that my muscles have become somewhat “frozen”, like I can’t really move about like before and a bit achy. I don’t have a temp or Covid-just wondering if this typical of depression?",Depression +47574,"why don’t i fit in anywhere? have you ever felt like that? I don’t fit into any friend group and i’m very extroverted but somehow I don’t have any friends and I’ve felt this way since i was 12. i’m 23 now 😅 makes me sad seeing everyone going out with friends with genuine connections knowing i’ll most likely never have that! at this point I think it’s me, I would catch myself in middle/high school going from friend group to friend group, sometimes eating lunch by myself. that makes me feel like a total loser.",Depression +47575,im just tired that's it.. im tired of living like this. im tired of how much energy and restraint it takes for me to not just end it all. i think its time to let it go and accept it's over for me.,Depression +47576,I feel like quitting my job. I am so tired all the time. I don't have any strength in me.,Depression +47577,"Will I be depressed forever? Ever since I (21F) was younger, i struggled with emotions. I’d cry whenever frustrated or angry and still do to this day. My parents would often say I was a drama queen for this reason. Kids would also talk about me being overly sensitive and crying too much. But i was genuinely hurt. Nowadays whenever I’m sad or cry, those memories get in my head and i convince myself that I’m faking it; like my feelings aren’t genuine, like i am doing it for attention even if I am genuinely hurt. I feel like I can’t trust myself. I struggle with OCD, depression, and anxiety. I’m taking Buspar for anxiety, ashwaganda, and did some OCD therapy for about 2-3 months weekly. The OCD aspect somewhat improved. However, my depression has skyrocketed. I’ve always been able to make friends easily however it wasn’t because of my personality but the way I can match others energy. I Can get every guy to like me not because they like me but because I’m easy to talk to. I feel like I don’t even have an identity, a personality. I don’t feel like a person and therefore, don’t feel deserving of love or anything. I struggle with being insecure sometimes as well. In eighth grade, these boys who i thought were friends of mine came behind my chair and repeatedly called me ugly until I cried. That moment haunts me forever. Another moment, i love my mom to pieces but something she said killed me. I was a rotten girl growing up. Again, i was mad at the world. I felt no one understood me. I had a strict dad who is emotionally unavailable and a helicopter mom (not like this anymore we are best friends now). They again would always make incidents my fault for being too sensitive. One time I went too far with being a rotten preteen and my mom said you know I used to always dream of having a daughter and now that I have you this is not what I wanted. Along those lines. Heartbreaking to hear. All of these experiences have made me feel like no one. Like I’m empty. Like no one really cares for me. My family doesn’t even care to talk about what I learned at university, the place where I spend 30 hours a week at. I feel somewhat invisible. I feel empty but so full of sadness. I lack empathy and feel awkward when others express their emotions. I want to be happier and feel joy and excitement and empathy and i just can’t. I feel broken. I have friends and supportive family, they know I struggle but they don’t know how bad. I can’t afford to break down everyday. I feel traumatized by life and feel unmotivated to keep moving forward. I won’t do anything to end it. I’m expressing its really really hard for me right now. I just want to know. Is this forever ? Side note: only hobby I have time for is exercise atm",Depression +47578,"What would be your reaction? My therapist (50f) and i (21f) haven’t spoken in a long time. In the end of our last appointments she always said, she would message me a date for our next session later, but she didn’t text me. This happened at least 5 times and I only got my next appointment when i texted her. Since I’m in therapy for 9 years or so, she kinda became my second mum and it hurt every time she forgot to give me a new appointment. I always had a really good connection to her and it clicked the second i saw her. As I said, we haven’t spoken in a long time now, because I’m hurt and don’t really want to go to her anymore. I don’t want to look for another therapist either (bc it’s exhausting to talk about all of the trauma again), so i wait till i can go to the clinic in a few weeks. What would you do in my situation? If you think I should talk to her about it, how do i do it?",Depression +47579,"I want to have one last week of fun before I kill myself My current life is nothing but constant lonely monotony and working all the time, and I fear that’s how the rest of my life will be. I’ve fantasized about gathering up all of my savings, booking a trip to Vegas, staying in a nice airbnb, and having as much fun in sin city as I can for a week before I end it all. I need at least one last good adventure that I can look back on and be proud of. I’d rather spend the last week of my life living it to the fullest than spend the rest of my life in depressing monotony",Depression +47580,"I'm writing this note, then I'm out. Dear World, + +I am writing this note with a heavy heart, seeking and begging for your forgiveness for my pathetic and weak existence. I am sorry for the pain and disappointment I may have caused you all through my cowardly acts and weak display of character. + +My entire life has been a complete failure; I have been consumed by fear, self-doubt, and discouragement that it has rendered me powerless in almost all aspects of my life. I have tried so hard to fit in and be accepted, but it seems like no matter how much I try, my efforts are always not good enough. + +I am sorry for all the times I let you down, for all the opportunities I squandered and wasted because I was too timid to seize the moment. I am sorry for all the people whose trust and love I lost because I could not face my shortcomings. + +I know that taking my own life is not the solution, but I cannot bear the pain and the emptiness that I feel inside anymore. I cannot bear living in this world that expects too much from me when I clearly cannot deliver. + +I hope that one day you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for my cowardice and inadequacy. I hope that you can move past my shortcomings and failures and remember me for the good that I once was. + +To my family, friends and loved ones, I am sorry that I couldn't be the strong and dependable person that you deserved. I hope that my death brings you some form of closure and relief from the burden that I have become in your lives. + +I will leave this world with a prayer in my heart that one day the world will be a better place where acceptance, kindness, and love abound, may nobody else ever feel the isolation and pain that I have felt during my life. + +I hope that when I am gone, the world becomes brighter and filled with more hope and happiness. Goodbye, world. Please forgive me. + +Yours sincerely, + +Liam",Depression +47581,:) I think I’m finally ready to kill myself. I’m not scared of going to hell anymore,Depression +47582,"As soon as people find out my Im depressed, why do they keep nagging me to “smile”?? Is it just to make them feel more comfortable? Because it makes me feel 10x shittier. I’m not a circus animal fuck off. 🙄",Depression +47583,"Taking NSAIDs with an SSRI I know that taking an NSAID with an SSRI is not advised. But given that, do any of you still take something like ibuprofen or naproxen anyway? I’m not asking because I plan to use the comments as a permission slip for me to do the same. I’m going to ask my doctors and work with them. + +I suffer from back pain, and naproxen is super effective for me. I’d like to restart Zoloft, but I’m concerned about the impact on my health when used with an NSAID. I have a couple of doc visits scheduled to see what they can do for me, and if there is any way I can do this safely or with minimal risk. + +But in the meantime, I’m curious what your experience is. Does your doc make you do blood work every so often while you take an NSAID? Did they put you on a different med? Do you just stick it out during pain and not take those types of drugs? Do you do physical therapy? Etc? + +I’m aware there are other pain meds out there, such as Tylenol, but I’m asking specifically about NSAIDs due to their anti-inflammatory effects.",Depression +47584,"Love how it's never bad enough for me I'm suicidal? Well I haven't self harmed so it mustn't be bad. + +I've started self harming? I haven't gone deep enough so it mustn't be bad. + +Love that.",Depression +47585,"Excuses for work, etc. I'm in a depressive episode, I've already used gout as an excuse, this time I'm using a concussion as an excuse. Clearly I'm not comfortable sharing my mental health. Does anyone else have a go to excuse?",Depression +47586,I need help bad. I’m trying to find a girlfriend because I want to settle down but it’s impossible. I met a girl who loves two hours from be but of course it’s going nowhere per usual. I hate life. I do not want to end up forever alone but that’s how I feel.,Depression +47587,"It doesn't get better, does it? Been depressed since I was 12 years old. It's been 10 years and my family still thinks it's a phase. I don't understand why I haven't died yet because I don't have a reason to be here, except to rot away.",Depression +47588,"the only reason i'm alive is because i'm too broken to do anything i don't have it in me to do absolutely anything in my life, not even kill myself. but if i wasn't so broken, maybe i wouldn't need or want to. what a fucking curse.",Depression +47589,"I've lost myself to depression conflicted self inflicted misery has made me numb. I thrive off academic validation. Having become stagnant in every way possible and unreachable has made me cold hearted. + + + +The only way to numb the non reluctant pain is through expressive amount of work. At all times. I've had depression for ten years and have the diagnoses of chronic depression. + + + +Being a remarkable student doesn't fix the pain. It numbs it. If I don't indulge in work then my depression hits. Filling my brain with work excludes me from killing myself. + + + +The amount of work does at least give me an accommodating future. Being caught up in this misery of perfectionism is ruining me. + + + +What I fear most is summer vacation. I can't stand vacation. The time where I drive myself nuts on my own. Signing up for lecture after lecture. I really am in misery but I am too numb to cry. + + + +I am waiting for vacations so that I can work myself to an extent, just over manageable. An extent that makes people worried if they knew. Even though people only see a little glimpse of my sickness, I am very very sick. I am aware, but also so sick that I'll always keep going.",Depression +47590,I recovered I was happy and now I’m back to misery I recovered from my depressive episode 4 years ago. I was actually happy for a long time. Now I’m back here and I can’t believe it. I can’t do it again I just can’t.,Depression +47591,"I want to leave the world, but I can’t because of my twin sibling. I been having a tough two years because of a really bad break up that made me question my life and worth. I feel like I don’t really belong here. They keep telling me it gets better and I’ll find someone better but it hasn’t. I feel alone. I’m a background friend and I’ll always be a second thought. I want to disappear but I can’t seem to do it because I have a twin. We do everything together, work together, vent to each other. I would hate to have to leave him alone in the world without his other half. I’m scared how he’ll have to plan my funeral and bury me. To have him cry for me and tell people “I had a twin.” Or be around our coworkers and he won’t enjoy his job because he used to see me walk around. I can’t do it. I’ll just keep holding on",Depression +47592,"I am motived but I can't put myself to do / complete things I am the happy-go-lucky type of person, I have a good life, with a fantastic wife, a very nice house, a lovely dog and a great car. I have no financial issues either, actually you could say that I'm pretty rich in life - financial but mostly generally 'in life'. Also I am reasonably healthy - I need to work out for some stamina but I hardly have any overweight, don't smoke, don't drink, I eat healthy. Sounds great, right? + +I was burnt out in 2021 because I worked 24/7 for many years - and even though it feels like the burnout is mostly gone, I can't really get myself to do anything.. and it's starting to get to me - I am feeling frustrated about it more and more. + +Honestly don't feel like I am depressed. I feel happy and mostly relaxed w/o anxiety. I am absolutely motivated to do a lot of things - both in the work and private spectrum.. maybe I even want to do too much stuff. I REALLY want to do all the things in my head and achieve new goals. But I sit on the couch and then when I want to start with something I just can't get myself to do it. And when I do, I don't finish it. + +Examples are typically: + +* I have some great online business ideas and I can start them all myself from my home office. I start the projects but I never finish. +* I have a great gym at home and I want to work out at least a few times a week, but I just don't do it. + +Daily tasks are not an issue and I do them with pleasure - e.g. cooking, cleaning, administrative tasks, garden work, etc. It's not a problem at all. I am guessing because they are small isolated tasks that I can finish and then move on. + +Anyway, I had intakes with a couple of therapists and they all say that they think I seem very good and not depressed, that I should do more fitness and are not sure they can help me any further. And even though they're right - I should get more fit - but I really doubt that's what is keeping me from actually doing/finishing things. + +Maybe it's just the last burn-out issues I am experiencing or is something else? Depression anyway? Or something related? Thoughts?",Depression +47593,what is there to do other than rot theres nothing for me,Depression +47594,"Tired of everything (19M) I (19M) am at my lowest point in life. It’s been 4 years since my brother died and I still think about him every fucking day. I have a gf who cuts herself and has her own issues. I don’t know how to help her, since she does not want to seek professional help. I have zero motivation at school and have lost all my friends, not sure why. I don’t want to kill myself but I just want to sleep forever. I’m so tired of pretending I’m fine when I’m fucking not. It’s been like this for some time. I thought it was a «phase» and that it would pass, but it just keeps getting fucking worse and worse. Every fucking expression i make is just a mask hiding how fucking horrible i feel. I don’t remember the last time i truly felt happy about life.",Depression +47595,Depressed for years and not sure what to do I am 20 years old and suffering from depression for a few years. I am unemployed and having gender identity issues. I honestly am trying a lot harder to get better but today is one of those days where I am alone and want to commit suicide I feel like a complete loser since I have no friends available anymore. I hated college and every job I’ve ever had. I feel there is no place for me in this world. I want to live and meet my online partner but that’s pretty far off and doesn’t stop the fact I am a poor loser with depression and nothing going for me. Can anyone help me? I’m just wanting to die a lot and I’m trying to get it to go away by it never does long. I’m pushing people I used to know away more and more. I went to high-school with them I know they don’t care so I’m removing them all from my life. My family wouldn’t support me if I was trans. I’ve dropped hints and they all shut me down and tell me I’m not or that they would be disappointed in me. I’m on meds and in therapy. I want to kill myself nearly everyday. My mom said if I go back to the hospital again or cut myself she would send me to live with my grandma because she can’t deal with the stress of me being depressed and she can’t watch me all the time. What do I do.,Depression +47596,"What the fuck is wrong with me I’ll be honest, I was buzzed and didn’t know what I was doing at first, it’s like you don’t try to stop the intrusive thoughts anymore. For a while I was at peace. Next thing I know I was on my bathroom floor deeply cutting myself on the wrist and arm a few times. Some were just light slashes that weren’t deep at all. Once I realized that I actually had to deal with all the wounds and the mess it’s like my brain had just stopped. I frantically tried to treat myself and clean the blood off the floor because it was so damn horrifying and painful but after a half assed job I got so tired and slept. I woke up dreading to find out if last night was actually real. I couldn’t sleep properly the next few days and got real sick. Right now I have some energy but honestly I just want to sleep forever",Depression +47597,"Am I Depressed Without Realizing I’m Depressed? Okay this may seem like a dumb question to a lot of you but just hear me out and please keep the judgement to a minimum. I'm sharing this because I genuinely want to change for the better after living like this for 20 years. + +For a little background, I grew up in a household where my mother and I weren't on the best terms and all she did as I grew up was work occasionally and sleep in bed all day long. Microwave dinners were a regular thing for me and my brothers, I did pretty bad in school blah blah blah. The big thing was, I was never taught good hygiene as a kid. It was never required or encouraged enforced. I grew up and went through high school without showering regularly, doing assignments, or even engaging with many people outside of school because my mom didn't allow me to get out of the house much. I'd spend my time, playing games, reading, and a loooot of media. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a weird smelly kid in highschool (surprisingly with the whole shower thing. I didn't sweat or anything and always used deodorant and perfume clean clothes etc.) I had a lot of friends that I talked to daily up until senior year. My senior year was when Covid hit and everyone was in quarantine. When school started back up I never went because it was online. That same year I moved in with a new bf and his dad and uncle and since I was so accustomed to staying in a room all day without socializing or doing anything, that's what I did there. I dropped out of highschool and lived with my new boyfriend at the time for two years and to this I realized that I still never leave the room I stay in. Even when my bf has a job that requires him to travel for work, I stay in the hotel room still having horrible hygiene habits (although again not smelling bad or anything) and consuming lots of media from the bed. I'd have moments where come to the realization that l've spent days, weeks, then months doing the exact same thing and wasting the entire day away doing absolutely nothing. It's only dawned on me now that something could be wrong and I should hear other's opinions on it. Of course I'm using a throw away because sharing this is embarrassing enough. I've never considered myself depressed and honestly I never want to but every time Hook up what l'm dealing with su*cide and help websites pop up... + +I don't know how to go about this and I genuinely want to do better, so if anyone knows some steps I can take to doing better, I'd really appreciate it. +I've been like this my entire life because it's just how grew up but don't want to waste away any longer.",Depression +47598,"I keep reliving past happy experiences When I was 16 I had the best year of my life. Only time I was hopeful and happy + +Now I’m 18 and I’ve spent the last 2 years listing to the same songs from when I was 16. I keep chasing that dragon but it’s just making me crippled with depression and suicidal thoughts + +How can I move on?",Depression +47599,"Help me :( I’m 19 and I’m fucked. I’ve had a really bad drinking problem for over a year, I smoke a lot of weed and I have cut myself before. I’m on holidays with my girlfriend and can’t be happy. I haven’t smoked in weeks and it’s killing me, my drinking is just as bad up here except I’m trying to hide it. I haven’t drank in 2 days and I’m struggling. My best friend/cousin died 2 years ago and I can’t start to get over it, I have massive retroactive jealousy and I hate it and I hate myself even more for it. I’ve been bullied by family and friends and colleagues/peers since primary school. I’ve never fit in or had friends anywhere, every time I think I do they turn their backs and leave me. My dad hates me and doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead and my mum is depressed and I can’t help her. Everything I do in my life is just mediocre and meaningless, I can’t be good at anything. I have terrible luck wherever I go and whatever I do. I’m so over feeling like this and being so fucking sad. I can’t get over my addictions and I can’t feel any better with anything, I’m fucking over it and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.",Depression +47600,"How have you confronted suppressed sadness? You know, the kind that is buried deep and you know it's there because from time to time it makes you feel a great sadness for a moment or two? Thanks for reading!",Depression +47601,What is the point anyway? I’m struggling to understand what’s the point of anything. I feel like any goal I can hope to achieve in the future is pointless. Everyday I wake up I question why I’m still alive. I must be alive for some reason but I really don’t know what that is.,Depression +47602,"I just want to “un-alive” myself… The title explains it all. I just want to WANT to help myself, but I’m struggling and I feel like it would be best if I just wasn’t here anymore.",Depression +47603,"What do you do when? What are you meant to do when you hit 40 and realise you've achieved nothing and never will, that you're not special or creative or talented, that the world will not change in the slightest because of you, that fiction is depressing as these characters you love would scorn you for being useless and average and pointless? I feel like as a kid, I used to dream I could do something, make something, but here I am, unable to make anything of worth, doped up on Prozac and working a basic admin job which I could do in my sleep. But I don't know how to be anything more. I don't have a mentor, I don't have support or guidance, I don't think I ever did. I'm so - unfulfilled. I doubt I'm alone. I suspect many people are like this. Which makes it worse, really. Escapism hurts, because all I can imagine is my beloved characters loathing me, but i can't make anything in the real world as I don't know how and I don't have any real talent and absolutely no drive or passion. Sometimes the only thing I think I contributed is that being nearly menopausal, at least I have never and will never breed, so no others will feel like this. I don't want the point of my life to be a negative. I wanted childfreeness to give me the freedom to be worthwhile in my own right, but I just am not. I wanted to be a creator, not a mere consumer. All my friends are successful - some famous, some highly qualified, some just with good jobs and fulfilment - and I am without doubt the group 'loser'. I'm so tired. I'm so jealous, all the time. I want to make something to give to people that they want and like, but I have no audience, nobody who cares or wants anything of me. + +I can't even hold to any faith. I can't believe. I hate being atheistic, I hate the lack of meaningful beauty (to me, I'm fully aware of the 'but nature is beautiful!' type arguments but without any - animistic sentience, I guess, it doesn't matter to me) - but I can't do it. I hate the doctrine of 'make your own meaning' - it's illogical - if one's self has no meaning, then one's made-up meaning in turn has no meaning. I used to love loving the gods, but I can't feel them any more. I miss my faith so, so much. And I can't make anything of myself in the 'real' world. The emptiness is so much.",Depression +47604,"As always, I am terrified of tomorrow. I hope it never comes. Night time is always the worse. The fear of tomorrow makes it hard to fall a sleep. When sleep finally happened, it is but a brief moment of peace. :(",Depression +47605,"Unable to overcome extreme stress severely impacting my productivity I am seriously regretting my decision to go to grad school- I thought I was prepared for it, but I'm wasn't. I was an academically strong student in my undergraduate program and went straight to grad school after because I really enjoy academia. I found my education to be so fulfilling- but now the spark is completely lost. + +Ever since starting grad school my anxiety has NEVER been worse. I have always struggled, but not like this. I have panic attacks just from opening up my computer to do work. The thought of opening my email makes my chest hurt. Anxiety is showing up in other areas- I've had panic attacks because I was just convinced I was going to die within the next few days- because I just felt it. I have panic attacks when someone calls me, thinking they are going to tell me there's been some horrible tragedy. I'm convinced I see people with guns pointed toward me and I am going to be a victim of a mass shooting. I know there's something really wrong going on right now, + +And I'm so depressed. I have no drive to do things. The fear of consequences is building up my anxiety, but the thought of doing the thing just seems like the most impossible feat. + +I've barely submit any assignments- I keep trying to get them done. I tell myself that today is going to be the day I tackle even just one small thing, but this horrible feeling inside my chest and stomach just paralyzes me from being able to get anything done. I tell myself in 5 minutes I'll get up, it turns into 30 minutes, to 5 hours- then the next thing I know I've exhausted myself from just thinking about what I have to do & I decide that I will try again tomorrow. Each time I try again, I fail. + +I wish there was a way others could see how much effort I am putting in- even brushing my teeth and taking a shower are demanding tasks. Eating isn't even enjoyable & food doesn't taste appealing to me- I nearly gag with every bite trying to feed myself. + +I wish I didn't have to feel like this. I want to enjoy school and pursue my passions. I was so proud of how far I've come, only to let is all crash and burn now.",Depression +47606,"When you don't like yourself, don't like your life.. and just want a way out. 26f every step I take forward gets fucked up one way or the other. There's never a time any good thing lasts. I think I'm a weirdo moron that most people don't like. They think I'm so weird I get called a drug addict. That's how off people think I am... which is always a laugh because the most I do is drink wine at night. I always thought it was my anxiety that made people think it, but I think it's because I'm just trash. I have a 7 year old daughter I have lived for since the day she was born.. and I just can't help but think she's better off without me. Doesn't matter how kind I am. Nobody cares about anyone anymore. I just want it to end.",Depression +47607,"Sick of the fake support Everyone always saying things like “I’m here for you, don’t worry” and then when push comes to shove no one knows what to say or do to help you feel better. I know they mean well but it’s almost annoying to hear “treat yourself” “exercise” “do something to make yourself feel better” all the time. Then no one understands why you cry so much, aren’t up for socializing, or are easily agitated. + +I’m trying. But it’s hard to do anything when it literally hurts to live sometimes. I can still find glimmers of happiness here and there but the depression is overwhelming. + +I’m not trying to blame those who don’t understand, I just don’t think they truly understand how you feel unless they’ve gone through something similar themselves.",Depression +47608,"When I was 18 and wanted to die, someone told me it gets better. I'm 27 now. It got worse. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so I've dealt with depression, anxiety, and PTSD my entire life. I was bullied throughout all of school, never had a girlfriend, barely graduated, and by my senior year I was ready to commit suicide. Someone told me it gets better and I need to hold on for the better days. So I did. + +Here I am almost ten years later and my life has gotten monumentally worse. I'm a kissless virgin at 27 with no stable income and couldn't even finish my college degree because of finances. My entire life is a waste and all the suffering was for nothing. Can any of you seriously say I should continue living?",Depression +47609,"I feel like there’s no point I am so mentally and physically ill that I can’t keep jobs or go to school. The realization that I am never going to feel better after the years of medication and on and off therapy because I’m so poor I can’t afford healthcare. It’s not even worth it anymore. Nothing makes me happy and I can’t imagine myself actually managing to live a normal life because my brain is so messed up and wrong. The thought of not existing anymore with all the every day stress, makes me feel better. and i dont want to exist anymore",Depression +47610,"Internally induced vs externally induced depression? + +This is a pretty ignorant question but is there a distinction between internally induced and externally induced depression? + +For instance internally would be those cases where your neurochemicals just betray you, you're moving through life just fine then suddenly you're bedridden with catatonic depression and only after being heavily medicated can you function. + +Externally would be a concatenation of failures or disappointments or miseries which blacken your view of humanity and existence itself to the point that you no longer see the good in people or the joy in experiences and eventually an reach a point where you're also dysfunctional and need to be medicated. + +Has anyone experienced the former?",Depression +47611,"I wonder if depression will have its moment in the spotlight like anxiety D/Os Just my personal observations. I’ve been in the mental health sphere a long time, diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago when I was a young teen. + +Social media these days seems to give a lot of attention to anxiety-related illnesses, especially post-Covid. Absolutely justified and nothing wrong with it, but I hear many more people say they have social anxiety/panic attacks/GAD symptoms vs. classic depression. I see it in advertising. And in my own circle as well. Maybe it’s just where I live? My age? + +I’m fortunate to not have both like some do, I just can’t relate and I feel like my friends/family/acquaintances with anxiety just can’t fathom what it’s like to JUST. HAVE. DEPRESSION.",Depression +47612,I am so lost I have written this message multiple times over the last few days. Finally decided to make a throwaway so I could have the confidence to post it. I am a late 30ish male living alone with my 3 dogs and cat. I live in a collection of duplexes. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. The property was sold and the new owner is kicking everyone out under the pretense of massive renovations. The new rent would be triple what I’m currently paying. But the problem is I can’t find anywhere I can afford that’s not double my current rent. The few places I have what were close don’t allow the pets that give me motivation to keep living. It’s gotten so bad that I’m not able to get up to go to work in the morning. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been considering the coward’s option but I guess that’s why I’m writing this. Life sucks and I wish rent wasn’t so high.,Depression +47613,"I wasn't ready Just a personal win I decided to share. + +Dear Journal, + I got sick again. The same cyclical vomiting and upper stomach pain I had before. Yesterday and last night was the lworst of it. I'm just now starting to feel slightly better. + My biggest regret is how quickly I wanted to end my life. This wasnt a little pain by any means. The last time this happened, I had a psychotic break in the hospital and tried to cut myself open. This time wasn't as severe or long but still, the pain got so bad I wanted to end it all. I even thought of how. But by some stroke of fate, I talked myself out of it. Citing mostly that I just wasn't ready. + I spent the rest of the night repeating that it will pass. All storms pass, this will too. I know it sounds silly,but either by distracting myself or blind luck, I started to feel better. +I've always believed you gotta do what you gotta do. Last night, I had to survive and I did. I dont know how or even why I managed to talk myself out of it, but I am grateful. I can't say I'll always have that power. It didn't even sound like words I would say. I mean ""this will pass"", how cliché. But as the night passed and dawn broke, I knew I made it. + +Just a reminder for anyone that needs it, you're not fighting alone. We can get thru this together 💜",Depression +47614,"Depression has crept back up to me I wouldn’t say it ever left me, but the depression has gotten severe these past few days. + +Why me? Why can’t I just feel happiness and live a somewhat normal life? + +I’m a 25M who hasn’t had a girlfriend since my early 20s. I just don’t see myself getting better. The depression has consumed me and I feel terrible for my friends and family. Like maybe I am a root of the bad energy in the friend group. + +I still live with my mom, I have money saved but I have no clue what to do. My appetite gone again, all the weight and progress I’ve gained from the gym has been lost. And I just have no energy or motivation at the moment. + +I work part time and even at work some days I just feel so unfulfilled with my job. I just feel like a freaking loser. And i’m letting those around me down. + +I am hoping it will either get better or I just die because I’m tired of feeling like this.",Depression +47615,"I was fired by my therapist. Does therapy actually work for you? I ask because I've been in therapy for depression, anxiety secondary to Asperger's for over 20 years. +This shit don't work. CBT, schema therapy, etc, etc. Well it works for a very short time and then it's back to square one with another depressive episode. + +The last therapist even fired me as a client. Why? Because I didn't do my homework. Hilarious considering I'm a medical specialist and I've been doing the extra homework since I was in preschool. Whatever. 🖕",Depression +47616,"Struggling to be in a relationship with depression I (24F) have been struggling with severe depression and anxiety over the past few years. The thing is I’m able to push through it all and put it on the back burner to interact in public settings. I’m funny, social and endearing with people who I’m not that intimately close with. Doing this I know it’s not how I genuinely feel but what people want me to be. I just can’t do it with people I love and are super close with. It feels fake and like I’m deceiving the people I love. + +That being said I met my bf and fell in love, the whole nine yards and we’ve been comfortably dating for over two years. I’ve grown to trust him and show him the parts of me that are slowly dying. Problem being I feel like the social persona I build is too fake for our relationship. + +I’m struggling to maintain my half of the relationship because of this. I’m so depressed/anxious all the time and I can’t bring myself to act and look happy. I’ve effectively gone hermit and can’t seem to navigate having a bf that I want around while I’m trying not to (ya know). + +I can fake it with everyone else I just don’t want to have that fake mess with him. I don’t know what do + +(Bf is aware of my mental health and is understanding but I think one can only be so understanding for so long. + +I’m also on medication for over a year and therapy)",Depression +47617,"CBT for drug resistant depression. Hello guys I was wondering if just CBT alone can help with moderate to severe depression in case drugs are of minimal help. Ive never actually engaged in a proper CBT plan since i was feeling like absolute shit all the time and I didnt believe that therapy would help and i wanted a drug to give some energy and motivation to go on with therapy more easily. So since ive tried everything under the sun, combinations etc. and I dont have almost any positive effect (It is actually minimal to be fair) I decided to engage in therapy in order to treat my depression accompanied with Extreme anxiety as well. It is actually my last hope. What do you think?",Depression +47618,"I feel like I'm in a room between rooms I'm going to start dissociating soon. I can tell when it's about to happen. + +I feel like I only exist for other people's benefit. I'm just a paycheck for my partner. I'm just someone who takes the kids out on the weekend or helps put them to bed at night. I'm just there to help and then when I'm done helping I need to shut the fuck up and go away and stop being needy and annoying. + +Nobody has time for me. Nobody gives a damn what I want. But everyone needs me to exist. + +Is it worth living when you have nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to? + +I'm just existing for the sake of existing. I'd rather not exist anymore. My feelings are not severely painful by any measure, but they are constant and gnawing. It's this constant low level pain that is grind me down. It's hard to describe. It's boredom and loneliness and resentment mixed in with regret at all the choices I've made that lead me to this point in my life.",Depression +47619,"Only high IQ gifted people get support I have pitifully low inteligence and IQ. I'm ostracized from people outside of internet, as I never got friends since kindergarten- and it's mostly due to having LowIQ. <-This message took me 5 min to write, it's simple, but to me it takes longer to think/choose words/understand what I wrote/think what I want to write. I struggle with major depressive disorder, I dont discard others depression but by the look on social media, it seems everyone else at my age has gotten a snippet of how it feels to be a complete failiure, they still maintain to have proper hygiene (as they should) by time when elders taught them or self cleaning was their interests after stressful/depressing night, it seems that I'm fallen out of that area to be able to take care for myself. As I mentioned I have low IQ so job college is out of option, cooking for myself is out of option, I'm soon gonna have abscess tooth cuz of large sugar intake, sugary drinks juices, 4 to 5 cups of cofeee per day with 2 table spoon sugar intake. I've seen people who claim to have crippling level of depression while having well astounding life long achievements that didnt impact their regular life style such as washing themselfs brushing teeth wearing clean clothes, cleaning rook every kow and then, having friendships, having not lesser healthier life styles than me while going through ""their self proclaimed worse period of life"". When I show how fucked up I live how fucked up I'm gonna be in few years, nothing will yet better I cannot treat my depression, cannot afford therapy while they discuss which therapist will suit better for their problems after many failed connections and attemptsconnecting with the right therapist - all of those so happen to be highly inteligent people. Low IQ people dont matter, they will be thrown in special education classes later to be forgotten unlike gifted who get support from teachers from their parents, from therapist + they get to have friends who are relatable to their own level of inteligence while I was in special education, my gifted brother was getting free cookies, trips, skipping classes, more sleep. I had to be in the same cafeteria as him + my cousin was there so my familiy and relatives knew the whole ordeal of lonely me eating by myself while brother and cousins had friends to speak to. Even if I had companion to be with, I wouldnt have anything to say - cuz I'm dumb as fuck, I have no mental map,",Depression +47620,"I had a vivid dream today. I was on a high rise , I saw an opportunity and took it. As I was plummeting down, I had no regret. I knew that as soon as I hit the ground, my suffering will be over. I don't know what to make of it.",Depression +47621,I don't feel anything anymore I haven't felt anything in so long I don't remember what it feels like to be happy I don't even think I care anymore I don't feel like myself. I feel like a robot going through day by day I don't even have control of myself sometimes I just randomly regain my composure and I'm doing something I don't even remember doing. I don't even feel worried I just feel numb I don't want help I just wanted to kind of vent,Depression +47622,"Wanting to be more, failing every time I'd like to stop trying, I want to just accept it and try to live with it, why can't I accept it?",Depression +47623,Please help Ive been stuck in another depressive episode for months now. My last one was 4 years ago and I really thought that’s the end of it. I don’t understand how I got here again. I can’t live like this and I’m lost on what to do. I’m just trying to exercise everyday but I feel awful.,Depression +47624,"I'm different now and it hurts Decided to use one of my many alt accounts and put it to work. My depression used to comes in waves and typically I could handle and channel it into art or music or something but recently this one I haven't been able to shake it and it's killed my productivity. I don't know really what set it off I never do. But in it I've realized alot about myself amongst other things which makes me feel worse. Ill go through some but this ones a biggie. For context I was dating a girl for a while (when it started i was like 15 and she was 18 going on 19) and she was allways emotionally abusive in some form but it all went down hill my junior year when I was 17 she started drinking more often and mixing her meds with it. Long story short she ghosted for like 3 or 4 months and when she did contact me it was pretty much to say she's dumping me and moving to Florida with a ""friend"" she met in college who I have on good report she was cheating on me with. I still haven't emotionally recovered from that mess every negative thing that happened to me has left me afraid of a repeat in my next relationship. Since then my life got worse year after year and it's only just starting to stabilize again. One of those years though has left me blaming myself for getting my grandmother sick during covid leading to her death in 2021. There where other horrible events that lead me to here and now. On new year I decided to try to recapture how I use when I was 15. I was relatively happy I had confidence and drive to try to reach my dreams and personal goals and I had friends and people that loved me. But I cant all those aspects of me just don't last each time I mange to reclaim somepart of my former self something happens to destroy it and leave me worse off. In my attempt to reclaim something I've realized how far I've fallen behind people I considered friends and looked up to. They have great jobs they're chasing their dreams forming families surviving on their own going to college and are making something of themselves and I'm still in our home town working at the local Casey's living in a spare room my stepfather and bio mother had no plans for. I'm not even sure they wanted me here they say they do but I know they didn't want a 20 year old moving inafter being kicked out. It's like no remnants of my former self exists if younger me could see me and realize how much I've changed for the worse he would beat me for wasting time and destroying what little attractiveness we had. I've always realized change was one of those things that are inevitable like death. I've always realized me from 6 years would be different from me now but I just always hoped it'd be for the better and not the worse possible thing to happen to me. The few people I've vented have always told me something about gods testing or he has a plan for me but fuck he must really despise me to make my grandfather (who I lived with from 1 to 20) an abusive drunk who loved yelling screaming and threatening me every chance he got till he kicked me out the day after Christmas put me in an abusive relationship let me get bullied horribly by almost everyone and take away one of the the few people I knew care for me and make her death be on my head. Change is a constant and I've been changed so much that in just I few years that I'm permanently altered and the realization that I can't go back has hurt me far worse then any person can. Sorry to subject you to my ramblings I remembered doing this used to help me and I was hoping it would again but it hasn't. + Sorry for the bother-Mr.E",Depression +47625,. i want to be a god. i wish i wasnt a humanand instead a god. someone to can live without any worry and i can just exist. i dont have to do anything and i can sleep for years if i want. i feel like theres a ticking timebomb in myn brain and once it stops ill explode. i dont want to grow up i wish i was still 12 i dont want to be an adult.,Depression +47626,"i hate being an only child my moms parents died when she was a kid. i think my aunt blamed her for their death and abused her for it. they dont talk anymore. we live far away from any family that we have left and my dad refuses to believe i am his kid. im an only child have i feel so much pressure. im so jelousf of kids with siblings becuz if they fail they have a sibling to fall back on. i know that sounds selfish but thats how i feel. for a lot of my childhood we were homeless and that left me with a lot of unresloved trauma. ive been in and oout of therapy since i was 12but i still havent talked much about my childhood because i have this fear that my mom will be mad at me or they will be mean to my mom. i was molested? by a kid my age but everyone laughed it off beacause he was only one year older then me. i didnt want to but boys will be boys right? i want to die i dont want to be here but im forced to be. i want to sleep. im in so much pain i feel like a dumbass + +|||| +|:-|:-|:-| +||||",Depression +47627,"how do i tell my friends and family i need help i (19f) feel like something is wrong with me i see myself zoning out when people talk to me, in groups, when i’m alone. i get up everyday follow my routine go to college talk to friends talk to family but honestly i’m just resisting the urge of not getting out of bed sometimes i have an urge to hurt myself so i go out for a run and leave that thoughts behind like everyday everyone just keeps asking me “why do i look so tired” “why am i so quite” “i look low” i am trying to make things with my ex better he’s the only person i’ve ever loved i really love him but we hang out and h keeps asking me “why am i so low” i just don’t know what to tell him. i wanna work stuff out with my ex i really do because i love him but i’m just not myself he the only person that makes me happy but i don’t wanna depend on him it’s like on the outside i look the same all smiling happy but the darkness hits me from inside. i hate what i’m doing to myself. i have my friends my boyfriend but i feel alone like i’m in a pit hole i created for myself and i wanna go inside it and hide. right now for me existing is taking so much energy it’s so exhausting i just wanna hide in my room and not get out. i really need help.",Depression +47628,"would it be less painful for them? i try to live doing things i enjoy but deep inside i still want to leave and that makes trying to live hell + +if i explain really well to my family the reasons why i want to leave and that leaving will liberate me, would it be less painful for them knowing im not suffering anymore? + +theyre the main reason i havent done it yet",Depression +47629,"I’ve recently lost an invaluable watch and gold chain that was passed down from my family. I’ve also been sick for a month. I am also a very isolated person. I’m a first year teacher; tomorrow is my formal, which is one of the most important days of the year for my career. I get evaluated on my performance. + +I’ve never missed a day of work until this month; I was so sick that I was sent to the ER. That was two weeks ago. Then I couldn’t chew, my wisdom teeth were gnawing at me, and the gum over the tooth got infected. Now I have a cold as well. + +Within this time, I’ve lost my gold chain, an invaluable item with massive sentimental value. I received it from my parents when I graduated from my masters. I wore it everywhere. + +I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve cut off the few friends I have entirely for weeks. My co-workers know something is off, but I put on a smile at work. + +I am absolutely broken. I’ve had close to no sleep these past few days. I’ve found no enjoyment in anything and have had no appetite. + +I haven’t been happy for years. I have isolated myself due to the pressures of work; and have lost a lot of friendships and relationships because of it. But these past few events have been stacking on and I don’t know if I can take this anymore. I have rigorously searched everywhere for this gold chain, but I think I’ve lost it at the gym or at the library on Monday. I’ve called both. + +My thoughts are everywhere, I apologize if this is not comprehensible. + +I’m been sad for months due to other things but it feels like I have a curse, or a bad omen following me this month. I don’t know what to do, or who to talk to. I can’t speak to my friends, it’s so embarrassing. My life feels like it’s been falling apart at a slow and steady pace and this is the huge finale.",Depression +47630,"Found out I can press criminal charges against my childhood abuser: my mentally ill brother who attempted a school shooting I have a violet schizophrenic/autistic brother who SA me and almost killed me multiple times during rage or psychotic episodes. + +During these episodes, he would get violet in public. In middle school he had attacked the school cop, grabbed his gun, and tried to shoot at students leaving a school assembly. Lucky, the cop arrested him. After that, rumors started about me. I had left school for a year to deal with a serve kidney issue. Rumors came that I was in a mental hospital and no one would speak to me. + +Here is the thing: Both my parents are accomplished attorneys. They were able to have the charges dropped and he was home a year later. He would still hit me, strangle me, stab me. I had to sleep with a knife under my pillow because he would break in and watch me sleep while he spoke to voices in his head. + +A few years later he almost murderes my mom. He hit my mom with an iron bar over her head, one more hit and she would have been dead. Again, they played their cards and he was home within a year. I would state to my parents about the abuse, how I was scared for my life. + +They said I was overacting. Nothing was done to help me. I became so stressed and scared my awful father tried to put me in a group home because I said I didn't want to live there. Yet, the person who caused my distressed and harm was living at home and not in the mental institution. + +I spoke to my therapist about this. She said since I'm only in my early 20s I can still press criminal charges against him. I am broken. I want to press charges but my parents will shun me. My parents help me financial since I am unable to work because of my kidney and seizure disorder. I know they would leave me homeless or try to get back at me and charge me with a stupid crime. My father was able to lie to the police operator about my mom to have her arrested and institutionalized. + +I am terrified of my father, and my mom cares more about my brother than I. She knows he raped me and hurt me, but still demands I come to his birthday or she won't pay my rent. Also, he SA my mom multiple times while I was a teen. Yet, my mom says she stays with him for his money. She would tell me thus as a teen, which is so sick to involve a child when you are staying with him. + +I want to charge him so badly. My parents lied to me when I was a teenager when I wanted to go to the police. They said that the police won't help me. Finding our that my family lied to me, knew about the abuse, and now several years later learning he could have been charged is destroying me. + +I want to press charges. I have no money for an attorney. + +I'd lose everything, become homeless, my mom who is the only person I care about would never speak to me again. I am having horrible flashbacks. My therapist also stated that I should be ""proud"" that I havnt killed myself, since most others would have with what Ive been through. This is after she knew I had slit my throat at 18. + +I can't stop crying.",Depression +47631,"I’m so over it I’m 16 (barely lived I know) yet sometimes I feel as if I’ve endured too much. I’ve been laid off from two jobs and every day I just sit and procrastinate, I constantly miss deadlines for my assignments and when I do my dad gets upset and yells making me feel like the stupidest person to ever exist or my siblings crack in insensitive jokes that completely destroy my self esteem. My teachers constantly telling me that I’m behind my grade level or I’m not prepared enough for my senior year or that if I continue “on this route” I might have to retake a few classes. Even though this may sound like easy issues to some people, it really ruins me. Every night I cry and think about how terrible of a daughter or sister and student I must be or how retarded I am to be failing almost every class. Now the only thing I think about literally ending my own life because I just don’t care to exist anymore, even if I was doing good in school I’d just be on the road to living a typical boring life where I work at a job that I hate and suffer until I reach my death bed. A huge part of me just wants to end things now but for some reason I feel too scared. Idk but this was my little rant sorry if you came across it.",Depression +47632,"Realization after a tarot reading. First of all I don’t 100% believe in tarot reading. It usually just reads current energy but “future reading” is usually just for guidance and would change - afterall, our future ultimately depends on us and our actions. + +I am not clinically diagnosed as having depression (because of lack of funds) but I had a test last year from our office and I scored a level 4 in terms of depression. I guess that’s the most one can get. I think I got that score because because I scored a yes in terms of harming. I never really thought of committing suicide but sometimes I think of what if somewhere some truck would just hit my car and I’d be in a car accident. + +Going back to tarot reading. The reader never answered my question and it became a psychic read where in some spirit comes to talk to you. She asked about my dad… I said my dad had passed 15 years ago. She described how my dad is and telling me about my current situation, how I am carrying everything and I need someone to depend on and help me. This made me realize that as much as I have a close small group of friends, ones whom I trust - I really don’t have anyone that I can truly depend on 100%, like who can I ask money for should I get to an accident etc. none. My mom and my brother is there but I really don’t want them shouldering my problems. I also realized that I am not living for anyone… but why not live for myself? It’s just a problematic life and I honestly won’t mind if my life ends here. It made me realize those people with children having all the will to live because they need and have to… + +If you see me out, it looks like I’m living such a good life. I look good, I dress well, on weekend I go to brunches. I watch musicals, opera, attend art galleries and eat good food. I smile and I laugh - but I also don’t have money and I live paycheck to paycheck with lots of debts. I need to have a thyroid operation which my healthcard cannot pay for fully, so I will need to line up on a public government hospital. + +Last year I have a colleague who I used to be friends with. We drifted apart because of work which is okay with me because you won’t be friends for life with all of your friends, some friendships has an expiration date. That’s just reality but it seems like groupings have happened at work and it’s really annoying sometimes. In my head, that’s okay and I’ll just work. The friend I have in the office also just got retrenched. + +Something happened at work again today and as much as I say I dont care about it as long as I know I’m in the right then I don’t want to even think about it. But I cried and honestly, I just want to resign, lay in bed, look in the ceiling and have my thoughts run around. I thought about dying again BUT I can’t resign, because I dont have a dollar to my name and bills. I just need to tough it out until next year.",Depression +47633,a vent i wanna die so badly. the only reason i havent jumped off a cliff is beacause im the only one my mom has. if i died she would be left all alone to mourn her dumb dead kid. i wish i was never born why am i so useless? ive realized that ive never really worked hard on anything. i always try to take the easy route. im homeschooled and i havent done any proper school work in a year. im extreamly behind in school and idk if ill be able to graduate. i want to sleep forever. i feel like time is passing too fast and i just want everything to slow down. i keep trying to catch up buti trip over my feet like a dumbass. i got a job and i cant evn save money. i spend it all once i get it and i cant stop. what can i do to make sure i dont end up leaving my mom behind?,Depression +47634,"I was sexually assaulted a week ago. I feel anxious, sad, and dreadful. Don’t want to leave my house or leave my bed I called off work today. Just hitting extra hard today. I feel really sick and I’m in a really dark place. I don’t want to feel like this.",Depression +47635,"My feelings arent making sense anymore TLDR at bottom Ive been struggling with depression and anxiety for a good 10 years now, with the worst dip taking place a year back. Im slowly starting to get better but lately something weird has started happening. + +The worst part of depression for me is the sadness that I cant seem to shake. It’s not the normal kind of sadness, rather the romantic/heartbroken sadness. +I’ve not been in a relationship for a long time, and I’m not well enough to be in a relationship at the time. +I still talk to girls like I used to, but in a much more restricted way. +One person recently wrote to me and we started talking (nothing intense or anything). +When that person doesnt answer or say something I could interpret as something negative through mental parkour, +My heart breaks, I get the biggest pit in my stomach and I get completely engulfed in the sorrow. +This happened the very first day of us talking. +I am not in love with this person, we dont really know eachother, nothing has happened, i dont even know if what we’re doing has any romantic side to it at all. + +Most of the time I can understand why I feel the way I do, even if it’s mostly negative. But this anxiety-ridden pit in my stomach wont go away, and I cant reason with it. + +So I guess the TLDR; +I become unreasonably romantically attatched, after just a few words over text, which leads me to feel constantly heartbroken. + +Am I just lonely and I havnt realized it?",Depression +47636,"I want to try one more thing before I say gg’s My depression has gotten worse over the past few months. I’ve been a major disappointment to my family and it seems like no matter how hard I try, I’m not getting anywhere. I don’t like the thought of harming myself but I’m tired of this life. I can’t see myself living 30+ more years doing this. + +Anyway, I know I need help. I want to try getting on medication but I don’t have insurance. I’m poor af and don’t currently have a job even though for months I’ve been trying to find one that doesn’t cause me anxiety and pays decent enough (one of the main things that makes me a disappointment to my family). I want to know how do I go about finding free/low cost antidepressants and mental health facilities",Depression +47637,"what better can I do with my time? I am just wasting my time. I have great difficulty learning new things and remembering stuff from recent memory. There's a point in time before which i remember everything, nearly 10 years ago. Now I just sot around , pretending to work",Depression +47638,"Is it normal to be scared of getting help? I don't know why but I just feel like I'm gonna get judged in some way, like if I'm gonna try and get help that I'll just be told some sorry excuse of a conclusion that they came to by looking at a piece of paper I had to fill out in the waiting room. + +The only way I can really describe it by is that I feel like I'm not good enough. It just makes me feel even more helpless than I already feel. +I know I'm probably overthinking this (which in itself is a whole other problem), but I can't stop myself.",Depression +47639,"Been depressed since long time ago I just hate what my life has become, I remember being a happy kid and having goals for my life but everything went downhill since I was a teenager... I made mistakes and I hate my life now... I hate the decissions I've made why I have it so hard god",Depression +47640,"I'm worn out You try so hard in life. So fucking hard and for what? To face rejection in every facet of life only to be teased and ultimately let down again and again and again. Why fucking bother? Even an eternity in whatever version of hell is real sounds better at least you know what to expect there. Fuck life, fuck people and fuck the instinctual desire for belonging because none of them have ever showed kindness to me without wanting tenfold back and not giving a minute to try to understand what someone goes through or how they feel time I return the favour by taking what some people are obligated to give a shit about. The state and the family do not love unconditionally",Depression +47641,"I want to get in the car and drive far away or get in the boat or take a bicycle and just go, no matter where. I'm so stressed with my current life and it's killing me. Like depression makes existing hard in itself, but all this stress actually drives me to the edge of killing myself. The thought of just going wherever, not having to worry about anything is so soothing. Of course I probably won't ever do it, I'm just daydreaming, but thinking about this helps me relax a bit.",Depression +47642,"im not even a person anymore. not sure i ever was on a work trip. got paid to sit in my hotel room all day. at night these thoughts overwhelm me. a few years ago i met somebody who changed the trajectory of my life. + +he was so beautiful. he had such a beautiful soul. he was so unlike me. i was obsessed with him. we even dated for a while. i made his life a living hell. i never treated anyone in my life as poorly and callously as i treated him. im sure if he stayed with he would've died. honestly he probably would've killed himself. he ghosted me. not a day goes by i dont think of him. i wish i could go back and fix things. and never say a word to him. i miss his face. i miss his voice. i miss his hair so much. im sure those are all long gone. as he transitioned more and more of what i fell in love with would fade away. i can't even imagine what he looks like now. + +its sad. the thing i miss most about him. is the way he tasted. what kind of human answer is that. im a monster. a devil. i would kiss him for hours. until his lips were bruised. i would take the anger i have for this life out on him. i could still hear him gasping for air. i look at my hands and wonder why. + +i've been depressed my entire life. it was cruel of me to spread it to him. he was an angel. and i set him on fire to keep me warm. im a walking black hole who tried to destroy him. but he survived. he has a pretty good life now it looks like, well, from the outside anyway. but my soul won't heal. and i can't forgive myself. and he never will. he never should. + +i can't care about anything anymore. my parents loved me so much. my friends and family too. but i can't feel it. i don't deserve it anyways. there's no reason why or how someone like me could be so evil. i feel like a murderer. this isn't depression. these are just consequences. you wouldn't say a murderer serving his sentence in prison, in solitary confinement, has depression. he's inhuman. he can't feel a thing.",Depression +47643,"Attempters are relieved when they fail to kill themselves I learned this as a journalist covering suicide prevention groups. As a depressive I can tell you that suicidal thoughts and thoughts of dying are a symptom of depression, meaning our psyches are unwell. Normal function really seems to be about avoiding injury and death—self preservation. I haven’t killed myself because I have to try for everyone else who struggles, and because I have seen actual survivors who were glad they lived xo",Depression +47644,"I hate how people are always so jealous and evil about your dreams. They bring me down I want to be successful in my life . I want to teach, live abroad and anytime I'm asking for advice or talk about it people destroy me entirely. I don't get why they never want to see you shine",Depression +47645,I don’t recognize myself I just need to rant real quick. Everything sucks. I’ve been stuck in dpdr for about 2 years now. It’s been bad but it’s gotten worse. My home life hasn’t been great for a while now. My parents have been fighting a lot and recently told me they were going to divorce soon. My sister constantly degrades everyone in the house and will sit around all day and refuse to go to school. My mom is having work trouble. And my dad has kinda been the punching bag of it all. Fighting and yelling has become a regular occurrence. I cant stand it. I’ve been trying to keep myself together and come off as calm so maybe some stress could be taken off of everyone but I’m actually falling apart inside. My theory is if they see that I’m calm they will have one less thing to worry about. I’m always anticipating the next fight between any of the three and it sucks. I actually feel a sense of relief at school because atleast I’m away from all this. But schools not any better. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I don’t see me I see a shell. I want to get out and run away from everything. Im only 15 so that’s not an option though. Nothing feels real and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I just feel stuck and I have no one to talk to. Every time I would try to talk to my mom about my dpdr she would say I’ve been looking at the internet too much. I don’t want to talk to her about it because im scared she’ll say that again or explode from all the stress. She also dumps all her work problems on me and that just adds to the stress. I’m just scared. I don’t want them to divorce. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it in. I was diagnosed with depression a couple years ago and have meds but I’m so tired and drained that I can’t remember to take them. I just don’t know what to do anymore.,Depression +47646,"Nightly routine Weed, snacks, falling asleep on the couch, not brushing my teeth or doing simple chores. Fun times being depressed and making my own life worse… anyone else?",Depression +47647,"life doesn’t feel worth it that’s kind of it? + +i’ve made a lot of discoveries about myself in the last few years and i’ve also had a lot of unfortunate things pop up, and while i don’t actively want to die, i can say with certainty that life almost never feels worth it anymore. i wish i could go back to when i was depressed but still had structure to fall back on to and things to be excited about.. to when i was just a kid and didn’t know/think so much. now i just can’t seem to get and keep a hold on anything. i don’t want anything for myself, not anything that’s within reach at least. i feel so alone. + +life is so tedious and adulthood depression is a different beast.",Depression +47648,"Ever since I got off my meds... I started developing fears, first I got really claustrophobic to the point where my dad exchanged an RV we bought because I couldn't sleep in the bunk beds due to panic attacks (there were also other reasons for the exchange, main ones being the need for more space and storage), and now, I've developed a fear of the dark. + +I got used to just leaving the light on in the hallway if I got too scared, but today, I went to bed without the light, and looked out of my door (I'm used to sleeping with it open), and saw these stick figures and I'm telling you it scared the shit out of me, I literally felt my heart drop (thankfully, it stoped after a few seconds of terror, turning on my phones flashlight pretty much saved me). Now that I'm thinking about it, it might be due to the fact that I haven't slept in 36 hours. But ultimately, I feel like living is hard enough without me being constantly in fear of things that I know aren't real but my stupid brain still won't let go of. + +Also, my doctors know I'm not taking my meds anymore, it was my doctors plan to get me off them slowly, I just kinda skipped the whole getting off your meds slowly part and went cold turkey. + +I guess I just needed to vent.",Depression +47649,"Truly not sure how much more I can take In what world is this worth it? Slowly sinking in to poverty and being told ""just try harder"". I am legitimately angry with myself for not being brave enough to kill myself. I hate it here. Life is a joke. I hope every night to die in my sleep and wake up disappointed. I'm so fucking tired. This is all for nothing.",Depression +47650,"I feel really lost I’m 17 years old and I feel so lost, confused and like a major failure. A little backstory… I graduated Highschool at age 15, took an 8 month break before starting with university and when I started I had to move to new country and manage everything by myself at 16, I started slacking ever since I had arrived tbh I barely did my work cause I had no clue where to start or what to do but whenever I had an understanding of the work and what to do, Id get really proud of my outcome but moving on from that i was barely attending my lectures and doing anything by the end of the year so I had failed my first year, I wasn’t very proud of myself however I did it to myself so I had to accept and move on from it and figure out how to do better, I’m now 17 repeating my first year and classes have in the beginning of this month and I feel like it’s almost the same thing as last year. I’ll be turning 18 in a few months and I feel like a shit human and I actually am trying but I just don’t know what to do with myself… if you’ve ever felt like this and had gotten thru it please give me advices",Depression +47651,"Why can’t I feel anymore? I don’t feel love and affection from others anymore. Before, I could talk to girls I was interested in and enjoy it. Now I feel nothing but boredom and apathy when it comes to romance. I dont get it. Makes me think ill be alone 4eva.",Depression +47652,"wow. IF U REACH OUT TO SOMEONE TRYING TO HELP, DO NOT COMPARE THE SEVERITY OF YOURS AND THEIR MENTAL ISSUES. OFFER THEM GENUINE SUPPORT.",Depression +47653,"I’m tired of being a broke girl I really wish there was a way to make quick money without working or having a business. Because with those, you still have to wait for payment even in emergency situations. With loan companies, they either deny you or take you through a million applications just to steal your info. I’m tired of living this hard life",Depression +47654,"Not willing to expend any effort for anything. This time I made myself sad because my roommates dog wanted to play. I started doing a tug of war with him with a rope, and suddenly lost all heart because I knew I wasnt going to get my fat ass out of the chair to play with him. He'd only get an arms length of attention. So I dropped the rope and he just looked at me, and then left. + +Why is it all I'm wiling to do is sit around and feel sorry for myself? The only thing I can feel... Is sorry for myself.",Depression +47655,"Thinking of committing myself to the hospital because of boredom So tired of being stuck in depression limbo, bored to tears and no will to do anything",Depression +47656,Falling apart How do you handle when you’re trying so hard not to let your teenager’s depression get to you when you’re also depressed? How do you not fall apart and give up?,Depression +47657,I don’t care I honestly am about to kill myself. I just don’t care anymore and don’t want to breathe. I just want to feel pain. There’s nothing here for me anymore. I don’t care what anyone says.,Depression +47658,"I just have some questions. I’ve been through a lot in my 23 years of life. Things never really made sense to me. In 7th grade I told my mother I didn’t want to be alive anymore. She found a therapist and I started medication for ADD. It helped, and I continued taking it until I graduated in 2017. My freshman year, my friend had committed suicide. It never really hit me until his funeral. Where I promised to myself to never cause that much pain to the people that love me. I swore that day I would never commit suicide while I still have friends and family that love me. Just so I could never cause them that much pain. But I’ve realized something changed in me or rather, hasn’t changed in me since that day. I’m not living for me. I haven’t been living for me in such a long time. I’ve only ever lived for the people I care about. Recently my 8 year long relationship came to an end. I tell myself it’s for the best. That I couldn’t treat her right anymore. That we grew apart. But she understood sadness and depression. She lived with it for all of her life. And I failed her by letting my resentment of our relationship get the better of me. I’m proud she was able to leave me. I couldn’t ever leave her, I wasn’t strong enough. So now I’m left with the realization. I have been living my life 3 months at a time. Never looking further because I feel that I will be dead by next year. Feeling like it doesn’t matter what I do. I’ve set myself goals and I’m getting therapy for the first time in over a decade. But I can’t shake the feeling of failure. The feeling that, no matter what I do, it won’t matter. Because I’ve masked this feeling since I was young. Because I believed the lie I was telling everyone. And now that lie is witness to the world. So my question is, Is anyone truly happy? Is anyone actually happy? Because for me, happiness was chasing a feeling of being wanted, being appreciated, respected. I could only catch small instances of it. So now I ask, how do I become happy again? + +TL:DR- Is anyone really happy? Can I feel happiness again? How do I be happy?",Depression +47659,Loop I feel like I am living in a loop I have no friends all I do in life is do things I am supposed to do and cry myself to sleep I thought going to the gymwould make me happier but it got fuckin worse the only difference is I became physically healthy and mentally ill.,Depression +47660,i dont want to have this desire to want people to care for me Fuck human nature. Why does my pathetic brain care so much about what people think of me. I've been lonely most of my life and it can be comfortable at times but i can never be whole for as long as i have to deal with this.,Depression +47661,"I can’t seem to have a good day anymore Used to be able to find the good in the day, now I just wait to go to bed in a house by myself",Depression +47662,"I didn't choose to be born It sucks being mentally retarded there's nothing your good at,your life has no value and you're incapable of learning.Your brain is useless and doesn't operate how it's supposed to.",Depression +47663,"I don’t like it when people ask me how I am Because I am trying to not think about all the negative things that I am going through and as soon as someone asks me this question, it reminds me that things are not okay and I get sad. + +Not only that, but 9/10 times, people ask this question because it became a habit and not because they ACTUALLY care how you are. It has become just an addition or an alternative to ""hello"". I only ask people how they are if they seem to not be in a good mood and I would actually care to find out what's wrong. Someone might say ""what if they may not seem sad but still have something wrong with them?"" Then that most likely means that they are hiding it and that they would rather not talk about it (like many of us). + +I always say that I am fine just because I don't want to explain to them my issues because they would not understand at all and I know this because I have tried this MANY times. + +I believe many people here also feel the same or at least something similar to this.",Depression +47664,"Life makes me feel so tired You go out into the world because you have to. You spend the whole day trying to muster the energy to be social and push past your social anxiety. You know you still don't have the sufficient social skills or enthusiasm about life necessary to be attractive to women, but you persist with this life anyways, trying to learn what you can from the men you see around you who seem happy, able to confidently express themselves, who bring good vibes, who have something to say, and are interesting. And then inevtiably you look at where you are in life. What you know, what you are like. You are trying to change, but it's not working really. You try to have a real interest and love for things in this world, but it is not coming naturally. Due to whatever mental or developmental reason you constantly forget about the things you try to learn about. Moat of your brainpower is being used trying your hardest to be socially acceptable and not seen as an awkward teenager in an adult's body. Constantly thinking about self presentation and body language, always knowing that it is your outward presentation that largely impacts your opportunities in life. + +And at the end of the work day you come home. You are exaughsted, but your job doesn't pay well. So you are supposed to use the time after work to study and work towards a better future. But you feel beaten down and tired when you get home. You can barely muster the energy to work out. If you do, it takes forever because you are tired and you can't focus. And if you are me, a day spent among the socially competent and likable is enough to send you into a negative thought spiral. Googling about how to improve social skills, feeling tired when you read about what you have to do. You are already tired. It is a compounding tiredness. You know it isn't your sleep or your diet. Both of those are in check. It's just life. A life that you are having trouble with feeling enthusiastic about in the first place. + +Every day, the nagging thought that you will always be alone is ever present in the back of your mind. You can't stop thinking about those women who you did not have a choice but be attracted to romantically. Not in a very heavy way. They were just someone you actually wanted to shoot your shot with. And you know you failed with these women. And during the time you knew them, you sat and watched as the aforementioned likable, charismatic men of the world easily swooned them, entertained them, freely loved them, and their love was accepted. And you look at that and see that you are not like them. You will never be like those men. You can try every day to painstakingly get there. + +You can try as hard as you can to relax and be a fun person to be around, but you never quite reach that state of being. You often wonder if you are not mentally/cognitively capable of being like those men. And you realize that all of this is making you tired still. In addition to feeling essentially doomed to be alone in this world, you are confronted with it's relentless challenges, and you wonder, what is the point of it all? Is this life worth living? Is there a reason to smile when you are the kind of person that you are in this world, and you can't seem to really change despite your absolute best effort, which you painstakingly put in every day, only to return to the same sad, tired state at the end of the day? It's difficult to get excited for life, when you feel socially incapable and generally unlovable. When you feel unable to bring value to other people as a friend, as a companion. + +Another day wasted. A day of work is to be followed by a day of work towards a better life, for which there doesn't seem to be any energy. My mind is tortured with the thought that I am not fundamentally a good enough person to be with. This thought never goes away. I will always be alone.",Depression +47665,"Lmk if you can relate I was talking to an acquaintance about my new job. I talked about how I enjoyed it and I seemed to be good at it. I started to feel self-conscious because I thought I was bragging, but at the end she told me not to be so hard on myself, and that I should have more confidence. Has anyone else had an experience where they thought they were too confident, but it turns out they weren't confident enough?",Depression +47666,"I feel like a nuisance I feel as if I am nothing more than a general nuisance to people. I say this because I had a falling out with someone that I once considered to be my best friend while we were both away at college last fall. I've known this young lady since high school, and I had a lot of trouble trying to make connections and new friends, and thus she was the only person I really had up there because I was so lonely. She felt that I wasn't giving her any space and that I was too intrusive, and as a result it feels like she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Sometimes, I question if she really wanted me around. I remember during her birthday last year, she had a bit of a celebration and I only found out because her then boyfriend posted it on Instagram. I felt left out. She said that she didn't want a large group and thus only invited people her parents didn't know, and planned on celebrating separately with people they already knew. When we did just that, she texted me two minutes before I was supposed to have her up that she was at a pizza party and would be running late. She did not show for another two hours. This past month, I've tried to reach out to her in an attempt to make amends, she barely responds to me. I asked if we could be able to talk in person, over face time or over the phone but I get no response. Because she seldom responds, I feel I have to start the conversation all over again. It's stressful, and it hurts my feelings. + +Meanwhile, before I went up to college, I worked as a lunch monitor at one of my local elementary schools. This was immediately after I finished high school. While I loved working with the children, I had some problems there. Some of the kids were defiant, and very stubborn in their defiance. In the months before I went off to college, I tried to start a bowling club, but most of the kids would not even listen me and would just rough house and fool around. But the worst part was the treatment I was received from two separate staff members. During the 2020-21 school year, when I started working at the school, lunch was held in the classrooms and not the cafeteria. In the Kindergarten classroom I worked in, there was a young boy who had trouble remaining seated, and the teacher got angry with me. For two whole months, she would scream at me, calling me ""irresponsible"", complaining about ""how I can't be trusted"" and how I must be ""firm"". When I decided to be firm, which was what she wanted, she had another adult in the room at times while I was there. If she felt I was doing something wrong, why can't she treat me like a normal human being? Apparently, she would go around and tell other people that she has to yell at me. I filed a complaint against her to human resources, and apparently they felt she did nothing wrong.",Depression +47667,"Never talked to somebody Hello everyone, I'm slowly losing touch with reality. I don't know if it's important, but I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety since 2018, when I was hospitalized for six months due to burnout. Since then, I don't know if I'm truly happy or just pretending unconsciously. I started dating my boyfriend in 2019, but we broke up in late 2021 when he cheated on me with my best friend's ex-girlfriend. It was the first time I lost control over my actions and thoughts. I was sometimes treated as the perpetrator, even though I was just existing. In that state, I stopped eating and felt no energy to nourish my body, and even when I tried, I couldn't. I was on the brink of doing something stupid, fully aware of how foolish it was. Thankfully, I ended the relationship. I distracted myself with friends, some of whom were also going through breakups. I learned that alcohol could help me cope with my social anxiety, at least for a few hours, where I could enjoy the happy feelings without overthinking. I did this for about 10 months almost every weekend with friends, and it helped me try new things and gain new experiences. However, I always had a nagging feeling that grew into a thought. As I try to be the motivator in the group and the ""funny person,"" I feel like my problems are underestimated externally, and I'm becoming lonelier each week. I realize that I couldn't confide in anyone with all my thoughts. I always talked about my problems objectively but never let myself break down because I felt it would be too exaggerated and too intense. Now that I miss those weekends, I feel more isolated every week. I also have other things that bother me at home, making it hard to feel comfortable. My parents also only understand depression as a common cold that should be cured after hospitalization. I don't know what to do anymore; I feel like a stone.",Depression +47668,"Partner with chronic depression started ghosting me, seeking advice I've been seeing this person for about 5 months and until recently everything seemed to be going really well between us. We texted most days and hung out around 2 times a week on average which felt like a lot considering their time off and energy levels. About a month and a half ago they told me they were having a depressive episode. I've never had a partner with chronic depression and was pretty ignorant to what it can do so I was taken by surprise when they started ghosting me about a week ago. It was very abrupt and everything seemed to be going really well until then. Since then I've tried my best to learn up and it and it seems like this kind of thing is pretty common among people with chronic depression, especially those who've had a long history of partners who do not react well to their depression. + + +Normally, I would not tolerate someone ghosting me, but reflecting back on everything they've told me about their depression and how they're dealing with it made me realize how much effort they put into trying to address their depression and maintain a relationship in spite of it. They've confided in me a lot of trauma they've had to deal with in their life and the type of thoughts they struggle with. Last time we hung out in person I could tell they'd been really struggling with some of those traumatic events recently. Even during this episode they had some pretty traumatic events happen back to back but still made an effort to hangout and talk to me with everything extra they were now having to deal with. + + +I would like to make an effort to keep contact with them for a reasonable amount of time and hopefully get back to how we were before the depression got this bad. The ghosting still hurts, and it's totally possible that they are just being a bad person and not telling me they don't want to see me anymore, but after researching it and talking about it in therapy and with some of my friends who deal with depression I think it's more likely they're pulling away due to the depression. + + +Over the past week I sent two messages trying to be supportive and let them know that I respect their space and want to interact with them in any small way they want. However, I've learned that these longer texts (more than a couple sentences) can be harder for a person going through a depressive episode to respond to and might make them feel worse for not responding. Definitely don't thing the messages were bad or anything and the people I shared them with agreed, but it looks like going forward I should keep messages shorter and easier to respond to with an emoji or maybe even a small response. + + +Given all this, I'd just like some advice from those also struggling with chronic depression about how you'd like a partner who you've been seeing for as long as I've been seeing mine to communicate with you during situations like this. My current plan is to keep going with my life, but text them again a week from now and maybe continue doing that for 2-3 months or until they tell me to stop. I don't want them to feel overloaded with my messages and push them away but I do want to keep the idea in their head that I'm still here and want to be with them. Thank you all in advance!",Depression +47669,"Depression Killing my Stomach I can't quite describe the exact feeling, but it's like an infinity engine. I feel sad, my stomach starts roiling, I continue to feel awful. I don't know what's worse, the physical symptoms or the mental ones.",Depression +47670,"I had everything i could ask for I had everything. Some friends, i still went to school, a good job, a family that loved me. +And now what do i got? Nothing. I tried, i really did but in the end i menaged to lose everything.",Depression +47671,"Don’t wanna be alive anymore I’m just tired of being alive I’m dealing with so much shit at a young age I don’t know how I can live like this it all started when me and my ex broke up .I figured out I had chlamydia which turned into reactive arthritis because it was left untreated for so long before that though I was diagnosed with gerd which messes with me sometimes and then not too long after the breakup I hit a dab and got nerve damage in both my feet and hands.at one point I couldn’t feel my legs or hands for a week and I still don’t know what I have.I have mouth ulcers that won’t go away,I’m too depressed to even shower or just take care of myself hygiene wise,I believe the chlamydia was left untreated so long it caused permanent fertility issues so idk if I’ll be able to have kids in the future or if I even want any because I can’t trust another female and time and time again my doctors kept telling me I didn’t have autoimmune issues yet I get nerve damage from hitting a dab like wtf,I had dreads but they started to thin and fall out so now my self esteem is at rock bottom especially after my ex left and I still think about her till this day and don’t think I’ll ever get over her and all the long term illnesses/diseases I’m dealing with I don’t think I’ll ever get over those and I’m only 18.does anybody have any possible advice they can give me because I’m seriously just thinking about unaliving myself like no one understands the constant turmoil I go through on a daily basis I need some help:(",Depression +47672,"Darker or greyer places makes me get sad Ive recently moved to another country and i’ve been really upset about it, I have to go to a new school, and that new school has very little natural sunlight, it’s almost.. gray. I don’t know how to explain it, compared to my older school it was really bright and pretty, this new school just makes me have so much negative thoughts for whatever reason, it’s just so.. visually unpleasant, dull and gray, it just makes me so weirdly sad to be there. Does anyone know if this is normal..?",Depression +47673,Why cant I handle literally fucking anything? The slightest inconvenience will send me into a negative spiral. I am so incredibly weak. I don’t know what to do,Depression +47674,"I hit myself when I’m upset Hi I’m 18f , I’ve been downl for a long time . I’ve never actually been diagnosed with depression but professionals have said I show severe signs of it . Although the last time was a while ago. I see a therapist every few weeks . But I can never get across things properly when I see her and she tends to talk more about herself . + +I have these episodes where I am so so upset and only the one family member I live with has seen this. It’s pent up frustration and sadness with my life. I know this sounds absurd but I’ll pull my own hair . Hit myself . I have massive bruises all over my legs currently because I was hitting myself. I feel crazy after and think wtf is wrong with me but in that moment I absolutely can’t describe the feelings . It’s just absolutely frustration with my life. + +I’m so lonely . I regret with all my heart not going to university last September like everyone else did . Working part time since then was ok but I have no friends anymore and the ones from school were horrible to me. Now I have no one . Loneliness is a bitch and I can’t describe how stuck and trapped I feel. + + +I used to self harm with razors but I stopped idk how but I did, and I feel tempted to relapse but now I resort to hitting myself and scratching myself I wish I could get help but idk what anyone is supposed to do I’m trying to get on antidepressants that my therapist suggested but idk if it’ll help . Am I the only one who does this ? Or am I rlly just messed up",Depression +47675,motivation the fact that there are people who are motivated and passionate about stuff feels so alien to me. Any one else think this way?,Depression +47676,"Can’t even resign myself to the fact that this is my life… I often feel if I could accept my depression that I wouldn’t struggle as much as I do. I wonder if the fight and the hope, however dim that light might be, are the reasons why I can’t seem to shake the bone crushing sadness. It’s so PHYSICALLY uncomfortable now. + +I haven’t handled becoming a full time caregiver to my very sick wife well. I haven’t grieved having to walk away from the work I love to do so. I haven’t managed to find any peace with the idea that I might never know physical or sexual intimacy ever again. + +My depression, anxiety, agoraphobia all pre-date these turns of events, but the way they’ve been amplified and my inability to effectively cope has caused me a shit ton of distress. I find that I tend to isolate even more than usual because I genuinely can’t imagine anyone wants to spend time or energy on someone with such a low self esteem. I have tried to take steps towards combatting the loneliness, but every time I get close to breaking the cycle I’ve created for myself, I run away and hide. I do wonder if this is because I know I can’t handle another heartbreak or rejection and so I’ve subconsciously determined the risks are too high, that connection with anyone else could push me over what it already a precarious cliff. + +I just want safe connection. Someone who knows what and who I am going in and accepts the subsequent ups and downs while remaining as committed to my well being as I would be to theirs. + +I come here and post sometimes, but nothing much comes of it. I guess I hope that one day the right person will see my post at the right time and the universe will connect two lost souls so we can help each other navigate out of the hell that is depression. + +Is that you? Please feel free to send me a message. If you have the same fears that I do, I promise you that I will work to ensure we have a safe space to talk, to figure out, to grow…I dunno…is this all wishful thinking? I guess I want something more tangible to cling to…",Depression +47677,Feeling like a failure I feel like my life is falling apart. My relationship just ended and my belongings are stranded in that persons house. I just left a job that I loved as I had no future there. I have literally no money. My meds are completely not working and the new stuff I tried made me sick and wanting to hurt myself. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t pull myself up.,Depression +47678,"It’s over. Im going to die soon. I don’t know how, but I can just feel it The story of these 30 years of my existence is a long one. I’ve been loved, have loved back, and have experienced happiness and joy countless times. I am grateful for that. But now I must go, for my suffering has become too much to bear.",Depression +47679,I'm just tired. I want to die. Everything is as fine as its going to get. I just want to go home and blow my motherfucking brains out.,Depression +47680,"I find it so frustrating as a highly anxious and depressed person to do career tests because they rely on your passion for specific activities and I find myself answering ""I dislike it very much"" to the various questions (e.g,. working in construction, healthcare, finance, whatever). I've been trying to get back to work again because it seems my severe depression and anxiety won't go away and there is only so much medication and therapy can help me. Of course, I haven't tried every kind of therapy but what had been offered to me at low cost. But I've tried many medications. + +Anyhow, I feel very frustrated because after trying couple of online part time jobs (like writing marketing stuff on websites) and finding myself not motivated enough to work sufficient hours to make ends meet, I'm trying to start from zero again and do some career tests to find what motivates me. But those tests don't offer some magical information but just rely on what you're passionate about. Like they give you 50 questions and ask you how much you like doing different activities, like installing cabinets, diagnosing disease in people, giving financial advice to someone wanting to get a loan, helping a disabled person get dressed, playing a musical instrument in front of an audience, taking care of sick animals, etc etc etc. + +I hate them ALL! None of these activities excite me. Because having a job is always about what others expect of you. But mental illness sucks so much of your energy that there is so little left for the job. + +Like if I'm a cashier, my high anxiety and depression and the various thoughts and emotions and physical symptoms I experience will take so much of my energy to control and nothing left to put on a smile and make a customer feel welcome and at the same time do my job of scanning items very quickly and correctly. + +That's why I've been trying to find jobs that are just online and things I can do on my own time, so that whenever the damned mental health issues give me a break then I can do the job. The problem is there are too many people doing these jobs and they pay so little that I've had to start looking at other options. + +Damn it, I don't know what I want to hear from you, to be honest, I mean I already am so filled with self-hatred and hatred for the world, I am working myself into anger just writing about it.",Depression +47681,"Trying to decide whether to get committed I have been dealing with some difficult things lately and have recently tried to get my meds increased, but long story short, doctors suck and they wouldn't talk to me about my meds. + +Anywho, I also just lost my best friend of 7 years tonight over some religious beliefs that I hold. I don't really understand why, especially since they weren't things I even brought up often unless asked, never delved into unless asked. Whatever, because regardless I am having suicidal ideation (although I am not actually considering suicide), and am feeling a strong urge to self harm again for the first time in years. How likely is it that getting myself committed would help the situation? + +For context, I have called hotlines in the past and their methods make me feel worse. Do mental hospitals take a similar approach? What have your experiences been? I am a hospice CNA and would prefer not to have to take time off work if I can help it as well as I have 20+ patients that need me.",Depression +47682,"Why the fuck am I so fucking depressed I can’t stand being sober. My thoughts and feelings consume me with every waking moment and they infiltrate my dreams. I finally got out of the abusive household that was killing me. I have a fantastic remote job that pays well. I have a full scholarship to college, I’m not paying a dime back in student loans. I have a girlfriend who loves me and cares about me. I have physical freedom, calmness, peace and serenity. + +My girlfriend recently called me a 24-hour-job. My career sucks the soul out of my body. I am self-supporting, which means I have to work full-time and maintain excellent grades in my honors university classes. I don’t have a moment to breathe, I wake up in a frenzy during the night, and I just relapsed after 2 years of sobriety because I couldn’t take it anymore. I have no other friends, nobody to call when I need help. I’m a social outcast because I spend so much time working and doing homework that I have no time or energy to form new social connections. + +I’m suicidal because I think I’m broken beyond repair. There’s no sense in crying over spilled milk, but I re-live trauma from my past over and over again. My parents use me as their trophy child, therapist, and emotional punching bag. My girlfriend uses me for validation and money. I’m weird and unlikeable. + +The only way out for me is death. No matter how much I achieve or where I re-locate, I take my broken brain and personality with me.",Depression +47683,What is the point of a support system I have people I can reach out to right now. But I’m not going to. I’m so terrified of being a burden. Yadda yadda yadda that’s what support is but I refuse to be that person that drags people down. I’ve seen how ugly it can get. How it destroys the people that want to help you to. They’re better off without me,Depression +47684,"Please help me out. Feeling tired, even with coffee I am currently taking a lot of psych meds fro treatment-resistant depression, I feel so sleepy all day, I literally fall asleep again and again, even though I sleep the whole night. Stimulants like coffee, make me even more sleepy, I don't know what to do. My exam is almost here, I don't want to fall asleep in the middle of it. I am tired of this. + +My meds are: + +Bupropion 300mg + +Venalafixine 150 mg + +Lamotrigine 200 mg + +Paroxitine 50 mg",Depression +47685,"Is this really my life? Being alive feels like a punishment and being ""ugly"" just makes it worse. I feel like I've committed a grave sin just for looking the way I do. + +I feel like such a fuck up right now. My social anxiety just keeps getting worst and it's even worse when I go out in public and I keep thinking about all the mistakes that I've made and how I'm seen as less than everybody. + +I hate my fucking self rn. I hate my fucking face and my life and just every fucking thing about me. I hate that I'm mentally unstable and... + +I'm so tired. I really don't want to die but I don't want to really be here. I wish I could restart my life and make better choices. Maybe things would be better for me rn. + +I hate that I expect myself to be perfect 24/7 and then get all frustrated when I can't meet those expectations and just beat myself up.",Depression +47686,Is psychomotor retardation fixable I don't want to feel like this forever,Depression +47687,"I just don't know what to do I'm 21 .. and recently I've been very anxious and depressed, maybe because I overthink all the things.. +But recently my gf and I broke up .. she told me that I have to deal with my shit to be better person .. 2 days later she texts me saying she was wrong .. and I forgive her .. she told me that the real reason that she broke up with me was because ""I made cry"" her bff.. but it turns out that I never did that .. it was and old coworker that talked shit about me .. I thought that with that clear everything would be good, but the last 2 days she's been so cold, ignoring my messages and all those days she went back where we used to work (with tye coworker that talks shit about me) and .. I don't know, maybe he's telling more shit about me .. maybe that's the reason she's been so cold .. maybe I don't deserve her .. I just .. don't know, my anxiety is killing me .. and I just don't know what to do ..",Depression +47688,"Goths/emos now on medication This is probably ridiculous but I'm curious. Any goths/emos/metal heads find a treatment for depression that works for you and still stay emo? Or did your asthetics/music choices change when your depression symptoms were relieved? I'm a metal head, grew up emo/punk. It's my biggest personality trait and music is my main hobby/passion. It's the biggest thing holding me back from getting treatment, which I know sounds ridiculous but I don't want to lose this part of myself.",Depression +47689,"I can't stop caring I was told I was too empathic, but also selfish and a piece of shit. I was told I'm too giving, but also self-centered. I just can't stop caring. I know that for a fact. But I can't stop being a dick and messing up, it's something I have no control over, I'm drowning into these voices and things people tell me I am or I'm not. I'm not a good person, but I'm also not bad but I need somebody to save me. Therapy won't save me, my non existent friends won't save me so now what? I can't stop caring. Whether it is what you say or other people say. I just can't stop caring, taking other people's shit with me like it's my personal baggage, I just can't stop caring. For or about others.",Depression +47690,"I Tried To Hang Myself Last Night The door snapped off the hinges after like 10 seconds, I was totally ready to accept defeat and yet here I am. I should have tightened them first.",Depression +47691,"How do you keep going? I'm so tired. I hate working and I hate how little im paid. I can't even afford rent let alone my own home or even food. +Everyone wants me to do this or that and I can't. I'm so tired of not being able to afford even the simplest of things. +Why is it so hard to just get a good paying job let alone survive.",Depression +47692,"Has anyone firsthand experienced being ""smarter"" by bettering their physical health and going to therapy? Basically I don't feel very smart or that my brain functions as well as it should and so I eventually was able to get a neuropych evaluation. The results were that my scores were generally low overall but they said ""depression/anxiety"" is what could be causing this. That was kind of a bummer to hear since I feel my life is extremely laid back and I don't feel depressed but somehow I'm supposed to be smarter with the help of therapy? Does this make sense to anyone? + + +To add to that, I'm not currently working but one recommendation is to find purpose through work. But when I was working, making good money, and in an environment I seemed to really enjoy, I still felt just about the same smarts-wise.",Depression +47693,"It’s hitting me so hard I am barely holding on. The sadness, loneliness, depression, anxiety and grief is just too much to handle. I can’t take it.",Depression +47694,"Anyone else relate to this Most of the time I don’t feel any kind of suffering, i just feel like nothing is ever going to make me happy and like the future holds nothing for me. I’m so used to it at this point i feel almost nothing from the thoughts. I’m so irritable and sensitive now I can’t even talk to my friends like i used to. I always just thought this was normal or just part of me but I was diagnosed with Severe depression recently and Its just so depressing to think about the future. Like no amount of success or money or anything would bring me happiness lmao. + +I really am just hoping it gets better for me. I wanna be happy.",Depression +47695,"Depression is my only “friend” Yup, that’s right. Depression is my only friend. It’s so great to feel so unwanted, insecure, hopeless, lonely, guilty, anxious, fatigued, and emotionally unstable. Depression is my bestest friend in the whole wide fucking world. I love it so much. It’s so great, it’s the best thing that has ever happened in my useless pathetic, existence. Yeah, it’s so great! I HATE my FUCKING life, I just want to die.",Depression +47696,"16 and depressed. What am i doing wrong lol Im so fucking sick of all of this shit tbh. And i dont wanna hear “It gets better!” Because it doesn’t. Ever since ive moved to a new city its been back to back dog shit. I got bullied, lost all of my friends in my old city, lost more friends that i made, and ive never been able to make a decent friendship. I used to think it was funny how i would always meet with the wrong people. I would joke with my cousins about it. Well im +sick of it now. Im sick of being the only one in the family with no friends. Even my deadbeat brothers have friends. I have only my cousins. And trust me i value them. But do u know how much it hurts to be on the phone with them but theyre also on the phone with their friends too? Im sick. Im also sick of liking girls. I am a girl but i dont like boys. Im tired of hearing my mom want grankids or for me to have a husband even though ive shown no interest for guys or children at all in my fucking life. I was also depressed this entire month EXCEPT my birthday and after that and i came home (because i went to miami) i got severly depressed AGAIN. i even tried to cut myself just to feel something but got scared. I ended up just deleting all my social media and going on dnd. I just wanna die. I never asked to feel all these emotions. I also hate achool. I cant hqve my phone, cant wear the clothes i like, and i do unnecessary work that wont matter in the long run, im sick of everything: i wish i could just stay home and rot in my sleep. But everytime i just keep waking up and having to repeat the same shitty day again. Wake up-school-walk dogs-sleep-repeat. This will never end.",Depression +47697,"How can I make myself interested in life? I literally just don’t care about anything. Nothing gets me excited or happy. For example I used to be obsessed with the beach. Only got to go a few times. Last time I went I tried so hard to get myself excited but I just didn’t care, nothing felt different I was just in a different place. Time before that I physically couldn’t sleep and I was SO excited and when we got there it’s like I was so happy it was this magical amazing place. It doesn’t matter what it is. Fairs, reading, a new game that comes out, days off. Nothing is happy or fun or interesting. Everything just feels the same and it’s so empty. I haven’t felt genuine happiness in over 2 years (and even that was only temporary when I was with my then boyfriend) and I’m so scared I might never again.",Depression +47698,I kind of feel like not being here. I feel like I don’t matter. There’s a lot of sadness here and there too. idk.. I don’t see myself hanging in there for any longer. I guess I’m just tired of people hurting me mentally and projecting their ageism onto me because I’m a 27F. I don’t even think that’s old? Everyone is just weird nowadays but I try not to let it get to me.,Depression +47699,"Should I hibernate for the rest of my life? I’m going to keep this short because I’m having a mental breakdown right now so it takes tons of energy to type. So basically I’m a guy and I’m 4’11.5 which is one of two things that make me the most suicidal. I can’t accept that I’m always going to look ridiculous no matter where I go. I’m going to have to move to East Timor or something (country with the shortest people) when all my life, I’ve wanted to move to Italy. I just don’t know what to do. I would give anything to be even 5’3. That’s why it pisses me off so much when I see guys who are 5’8, complaining about how they’re not 6’0 or taller. I should’ve killed myself years ago cause leg lengthening surgery is quite dangerous and that still wouldn’t make me tall enough to be taken seriously.",Depression +47700,"For anyone on the fence about journaling, this is my experience so far... So I enjoy journaling for a few different reasons, and as I continue to do it, and get better at it, the more natural it feels, allowing you to really make use of it and get something out of it. Before this recent journaling expedition I had NEVER journaled. Maybe stupid little doodles and quotes from songs or something in notebooks, but not really journaling, or for any real purpose. I was somewhat curious and interested in the idea, as it had always been suggested to me by programs, institutions, therapists, etc.. however, I couldn't get past my biggest hurdle which was how to begin journaling without feeling really, really, silly, or like some teeny girl in highschool writing about people she doesn't like or her crushes or whatever. It just felt awkward and silly. I debated on doing it for a while and I think one day I said to myself to just do it, see how it goes, and do it day after day or just twice a day, even if all I write is a sentence, or a gratitude, or a to do list, the idea was just to start doing it and developing the healthy habit. So my first entries were very crude. I'm looking at one now and it basically says : + +THC NJ is COOL +APPLY TO JOBS +START NEW RPG +GONNA COOK STEAK +START READING DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? (finished it that week) +THIS IS MY 1ST TIME JOURNALING +MAY ADD MORE LATER, lol +TALKED TO LILY BILLY, need to more often + +Then l stated a short gratitude for the day. This first journal entry I was grateful for reddit, cause I believe I made a post prior to writing that entry asking for tips on how to journal. I posted on a few mental health groups, a few addiction or drug based subs, and a few writing subs and got all sorts of helpful tips, but my first few entries remained pretty crude for a week or so. My first entry was on 2-12-23. So I've been doing it almost daily, some days multiple times in one day, and some weeks I'll go 3 or 4 days without journaling like just recently, but I don't like doing that cause now I notice a sort of disconnect from myself when I don't journal habitually. It's constant confirmation of all your thoughts and beliefs, and you see how your idea develop and progress. Thinking something and thinking something then writing it down on paper, physically putting the idea into the universe helps establish it. + +I skip a week or so into my journaling and now I'm talking to it more like how traditionally people think journaling goes. Like raw free thought sort of, that's definitely a very important part of journaling though you can and will develop your own entire journaling style based on your needs, or what you want out of it. I thought I would hate the free thought aimless formula but it's what I use the most now, because the habit of writing allowed me to get comfortable with it and explore it's benefits. I just moderate it by USUALLY including short term, or long term goals, gratitudes,or something. But not always, if you don't feel it you shouldnt force yourself. You don't wanna say a bullshit gratitude just to write something for gratitude. If you don't feel it don't write it. So yeah fast forward in my journal and I'm talking about the day we went to the park after group and we smoked a bit and played football and frisbee and saying how nice it is, before that some goals and gratitudes. Short term goals. I begin to write about accomplishments I've made and things I see different in myself. I talk about some of my inner growth but I'll mention a specific think like in how the past year and a half I've been fucked up like 20 of those days. Or how I feel my brain is finally begin to repair itself cause I can feel some sort of natural euphoria at times. Dopamine release is finally becoming more regulated. I'll write how I finished a book in a week and that's also an accomplishment. A big accomplishment I had to write down was hygiene. When I was in heavy active addiction, or even sober just severely crippled with depression I'd go a month without brushing my teeth, weeks without showering. So I wrote down that accomplishment. It effects self esteem, ego and confidence. When you go back and read goals you had and accomplishments you've made, on a daily basis you get to physically see growth or change in yourself instead of just feeling you're doing better. You have written proof, you're logging your mental state everyday and you go back after a month when you forget what you wrote and you're like oh shit wow, I can't believe I actually accomplished that, or shit I can't believe I even WANTED. To accomplish that. Being able to go back and read what you wrote after you forgotten it is a visceral feeling. Theres no real WAY to journal and I'm still figuring out my best way but it changes, some days it's free thought, one day it's lists and goals and gratitudes, sometimes a healthy mix, sometimes it's something funny that happened that day (good to go back and read on funny moments you'd otherwise completely forget about, it can immortalize them so to speak) sometimes it's topics I wanna go down rabbit holes on YouTube and I'll mention it in the journal so that if I forget I'll come back to that page on my own at some point and remember. I could imagine how amazing it would be to have years worth of your own personal journals now. Must be pretty fucking cool. Get to see huge change in yourself and never forget where you started. Reddit gave me an overwhelming amount of GOOD information and I took what I thought would work for me, still plan to read more on journaling tips soon as I wanna evolve it further and do more for with it, but I've been doing it for a like a little over a month so ill keep learning and adding journaling objectives as I continue doing it. All in all journaling serves to strengthen your relationship with yourself. I know my explanation wasn't the best, so I recommend also searching reddit or Google on your own for more journaling tips that work for your needs. + +The end.",Depression +47701,"going back to school i dropped out of high school, let me explain. + +when i was a freshman covid happened and i did online school up until i was a sophomore. Then schools switched back in person but i’ve always struggled with it, i’d get bullied, my friends would ignore me, and i’d just be alone all the time, the teachers hardly helped me, they always favor the popular kids. It’s not their fault. + +i tried a program for my junior year, they said they’d help me get the credits i needed. It was all online, at first it was okay, but after a month they dropped the bomb. I got a bunch of homework that was due within a week, then they wanted to do a test that was a huge factor in my grade and they wanted me to turn on my camera and answer every and any questions they had, and based on that they would give me my grade. It gave me bad anxiety, i wasn’t learning anything, the whole thing was just “do this do that” so i gave up. + +since then i’ve been thinking of getting my GED, my oldest sister got her GED, my friends brother got his GED, so maybe i can get mine? But i’m scared to go back into any sort of school setting, my anxiety was so bad in high school i couldn’t walk alone in the hallways, i felt like everyone was judging me or laughing at me. I could never make it to class even if i did i’d end up leaving. + +There’s a online option for getting my GED but i’m scared it’ll just be like that program i did and i won’t get any help, that i’ll just leave it again and never finish my school. But if i do in person i might have a breakdown, or disappoint my parents again, i hate that look in their eyes when they found out i had given up on school, like i’m a disappointment. + +what do i do, i feel hopeless. i wish covid hadn’t had happened, maybe i would’ve pushed myself to stay at that school + +if you’ve gotten your GED or have info on it or advice please please please tell me",Depression +47702,"I wake up every morning and say “fuck” Title explains most of it. I wake up in the morning and think “fuck, I’m still here”, “fuck, another day in my life”. I never thought I would be this depressed in my life. I’ve had bad anxiety and joked about toaster bath before, but now it seems like I genuinely just don’t give af. I never thought this would be me, and that just adds to the sadness. I just don’t even want to build the strength to keep moving forward… the one thing that brought me happiness in my life is gone, everything I based my life around. I don’t care about money, or a job, or anything like that. Now it feels like I’m just forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do because it’s expected of me..",Depression +47703,"I feel like I'm finally ready to end it all. These last 5 years have taken such a toll on me, that I just don't have the will to go on. My father was never in my life much, and my mother was more interested in alcohol and weed than myself and brothers wellbeing. The only paternal support we've really had is from our grandma. She has always done what she thought was best for my brother and me,, though she wasn't always able to give us the emotional support we needed. I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, and never had any sense of self worth or respect. The friends I had were their for convenience, we shared some similar hobbies, and I was willing to do whatever they needed if that meant we could hang out. When I was 22, I started hanging out with a kind of bad crowd. We mainly got high and went to festivals and got drunk downtown. There were fun moments, but eventually an incident happened at a festival and I stopped hanging out with them. I did coke for the first time at this festival, and they all left me alone for the day. Afterwards, I stopped hanging out with them, more so out of getting my head straight, but none of then reached out to ke. Even to this day. I still see them from time to time around town, and they've all moved on to become better updmstanding people. Still hanging out together. Without me. After that happened I focused on work, did a bit of job hopping, started being healthier, lost a ton of weight (I was obese from middle school up to 23), and eventually my brother and i moved out into another apartment together with our grandma. He soon met a woman and got married, and they moved into their own place, so it was just me and my grandma. I did eventually meet a girl, and after a year I also moved into a place with her when I was 26. It was good for awhile, but her mom hated me. I wasn't extremely religious. I'm not against it in any way, but I don't need a book to tell me how to be a good person. She judged me from our first meeting, especially since I didn't come from a good stable background. I'm glossing over a lot but it had a significant impact on our relationship. We live there together for 1 year. I don't know when it started, but we would get into these intense arguments. She had a lot going on with her family and job, and along with covid and isolation, the stress was too much for us to work through. After 7 months of living together we broke up. I left the apartment and went back to my grandmas place. We tried to stay friends, but I've realized that the changes in her personality have become too toxic for me. She knows my struggles with my insecurities, my depression, my anxiety, and even my family issues. Up until yesterday, she used that to manipulate me into being there for her emotionally. I kept struggling to break away, but she would bring up my past mistakes in our relationship and guilt me to continue being there for her. Anyways I went back to one of my old jobs, and was there until this past January. I left because I felt like I reached my peak. The customers were getting worse, we got a new manager who complete changed everything to their liking. I was overworked and felt undervalued. I didn't have a game plan, I just knew that for my mental health I needed to leave. Since then i havent found any kind of job. Since i left school, i dont hsve any qualifications except for retail, fast food, and other menial jobs. In the past year I gained back all the weight I lost. My body has been going through certain issues that I truly can't even afford to go to the doctor for. My grandma, bless her heart, hasn't been too pushy about me finding a job. But I can see her irritation in her eyes. I know she's concerned about me isolating myself in my room. I don't even play games much anymore. I just waste my days browsing online, looking for jobs, and then just laying in bed thinking of my life. I have no one close around me. I have no friends, no SO, and I can't even talk to my brother about my depression. I know he's going through his own stuff, and he's tried to get me to play games with him but I feel like he should just focus on himself. The last two days I've been contemplating my life, my place in the world. I've come to the conclusion that I am just someone who doesn't belong. I'm not destined for a good life, not even an ok life. When I felt it was good it was ripped away from me, despite all my efforts to fix everything. I'm starting over from the bottom. Living with my grandma again. Overweight, jobless, and no real worth. I always felt so shityy for it, but I finally made my peace. I've struggled with suicide though a lot lately, I was afraid of actually going through with it because of my grandma and brother. Even my mommombit. I know they will be heartbroken, i know it will take some time for them to recover, but they will eventually. My grandma is so emotion strong, and my brother, while he will be more hurt from it, is also stronger than me emotionally. He also has his wife there to support him. We used to talk about suicide when things were bad, and he always said no matter what happened to us he would never be Ble to go through with that. I used to think I couldn't either....I guess I truly am a weakling. I know it'll be hard for them, but I feel that their lives will be so much easier once they don't have to worry about me anymore. I've made peace with it. They were the last things holding me back, but I don't feel worried anymore. They'll be able to live their lives when I'm gone, and I won't be a burden for them and for myself anymore. I'm exhausted. Every day is such a struggle to get up and try. Lately I've been having nightmares. They've gotten worse, and I feel this is the only way to stop. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of trying. I've accepted that I'm not meant for anything, and I've accepted I don't deserve happiness. I'm ready now. For the first time in 5 years I've bought some wine. I hate wine with a passion, but it aas on clearance and I just needed to get my head to stop thinking. Once she leaves for work tomorrowi think ill just drink myself stulud. I dont know whatll happen, maybe i wont go through wjth it, but this is the first time ive felt good about ending it. All i can think of is how itll be overoveri wont have to suffer anymore, i wont be a burden anymore. I wont be worthless anymore. Ill be forgotten, which i am ok with. If you took the time to read this I thank you wholeheartedly. I know it's a bunch of ramblings, but it feels good to get it off my chest. I feel like with this I can take that step, and I will finally achieve peace. I hope if you read this, don't be like me. I am a weakling, but I hope you can use this to push on. Do what I couldn't do. I wish you the best of luck",Depression +47704,"I think my brother is depressed and I'm unsure what to do. Any advice or suggestions on what I should do? He's 19, dropped out of college because he have no passion in anything. He hates learning and have no friends. He's always in his room and refuse to leave. He would lock his door and turn off the lights. When my parents asked him if he wants to go somewhere he just screamed no repeatedly at them. Sometimes when we come back home and I check up on him, he told me he regretted it and said he's a horrible person. + +I suggested him to get professional help. I'm also seeing a therapist to try to better myself. But my brother told me it's a waste of time and he doesn't want to talk about his feelings. All he does is play pc games from morning to night. Even till 3 am. My mom comes home from her night shift and when she saw that he's still awake they started a screaming match. Their loud voices would wake me up and I try to stop them and it never works. + +Now I just check up on him and try to have a decent conversation with him. I would talk about video games with him or other things he's interested. But most of the time he yells at me to leave his room. + +I think he has a lot of pressure from my mom. She wants him to go to college in the medical or engineer field. It might be partially my fault too. My mom wanted me to be a nurse but I got a degree in art. Even my relatives told me ""you can't have 2 siblings in the creative field. There has to be a balance. Your brother should be in stem."" I asked my brother and he actually wants to be a writer. I feel bad, I don't think I'm a good older sister (I'm 25). I focused on my own issues for a long time now. I also tried defending him against my family but he told me to stop. My brother ended up yelling at me that I'm a failure because it took me 6 years to graduate, got a useless degree and tons of job rejections. So he doesn't want to take any advice from me about college. He always tells me this when he wants to be alone because I ended up crying to my room or the bathroom.",Depression +47705,"depression on drugs Simple question for people with depression. How do you feel on alcohol or other drugs, if so which drugs? How often do you use them? Do you believe it affects you depression in any way, long term, short term? + +I'm interested in any answer from a person who uses drugs on how it affects their depression. But particularily people who don't use them regularly: does it make you feel happiness? Does it make you feel things you miss out on in daily life? Why don't you keep using them? (of course know a lot of good reasons not to use drugs in daily life even if you're depressed, I'm just interested in the answers)",Depression +47706,"Struggling with guilt for not going to work. So I often have depression episodes that can last for days sometimes even whole weeks. I am currently on my fourth day out from work. I just lied and said I had the flue, but now I just feel horrible and have so much anxiety about having to face my boss who I lied to. I don’t know how to navigate this anymore and it’s taking a huge toll on my life. I finally have a good job that I like yet it feels like I am just self sabotaging or something. I don’t know. I have had this problem for years now and I just want to be a normal functioning adult. How can I end this cycle ?",Depression +47707,"It’s getting harder and harder to mask this shit every day I used to try and act so upbeat and happy all the time, but lately I just… can’t. I’m miserable all the time. I don’t have the energy to talk to people anymore. I don’t have energy to spend time with my friends. They probably think I’m avoiding them. I’m losing the only people close to me because I’d rather spend my time alone. + +I’m miserable at work, I’m miserable around friends, I’m miserable at home. I just can’t put on a happy face anymore. I wear my mask all the time because I can’t bring myself to smile. This shit is eating me alive. I’m so tired of it all",Depression +47708,"So you apparently need a stable social environment to get better…lol So you need a stable social environment to get better, but people ditch you when you stop entertaining them. So how should this environment look like in the 21st century, when people are obsessed with fun and don’t want to deal with issues. They don’t want to deal with their own issues and they definitely don’t want to deal with someone that’s not fun. So obviously we without a family that cares for us are fucked.",Depression +47709,"''Help'' This fucking word – I hate it utterly. + +I can barely bring myself to pronounce it – every last one of its four letters; what with the shit it entails. + +It'll have you entailing, rather — which is a character who'll ***never*** be as respectable, reliable, and upstanding as you'd be, had you never asked for... for... that – that thing there in the title, you know the one we all need, and so desperately at times, even though that's not even what a great deal of us needs, but really what everyone should have for granted – a basic human right, you'd call it – a necessity as eating or drinking or fucking(fucking; yes fucking) or, lest I sound too coarse or even border vagueness as I mention fucking, I meant — **loving**. + +What help? It's love. I want love. I don't want to be treated as I need a fucking ramp going up a staircase, or given a discourse of pity like I'm disabled somehow or another because I'm depressed, I just want love — none but love, except — great — that's even more shameful to ask than help itself, and you do it once, you're marked for pitiful clinginess (~~death)~~, so to publicly ask for help is something l'll never dare again — oh no, I won't. + +You may find yourself comforted; warmed, even, upon your request for help among friends, but if you're a man with any kind of zeal(or anyone with such vigor; really) then the moment you're elevating yourself up ever so slightly in a competitive manner again, that fragility you've shown is going to be used against you in every single fucking regard, and you'll never make it back to that league you once held your held high on. + +So I'd rather suffer proud now, even if it kills me. At least it'll be a literal death – a clean wipe, opposed to this sick sort of castration.",Depression +47710,"Every day is a little worse Even only a year ago feels like a dream. I was so deluded, so arrogant and unaware. Id do anything to feel that hope again. + +Everytime I wake up I have to remind myself that this is all real. That I am stuck here and its all my fault. + +Everything they said about me was true.",Depression +47711,"I’m confused please someone help me.( sorry for the bad sub, I was just typing without thinking) Hey, i came to Reddit for advice. Idk I just feel drained from school, people, girls, work, I don’t know what to do anymore. Im losing focus of my grades, I’m confused, and just tired in general. I came here cus i do not have no one else to tell my problems too. I have everything I wanted, friends, family, a truck, but i just feel empty. I can’t explain it, I just don’t know. Im 16 and yes some people will tell me to be great full for what I have, which I am but it doesn’t mean Im not happy, am I selfish? I don’t do drugs, but some times the thought comes to my mind and I wonder would everything be better? I have also wondered what would happen if i just disappear, i know I would be missed by my friends , family, siblings, but I don’t think I would care, it’s selfish i know. But I’m being honest, life is on repeat of you know what I mean. I wake up, go to school, get home, eat, go to sleep and do it all over it again. It’s fucking tiring. I have thought of suicide but it’s a dumb way to go out, tbh I’m only here cus I’m scared too die, and my mom needs me. Like I’m great full yes, but I just don’t wanna be here you know. I would never do something that would hurt my mom. Please can someone just put sense into me, or just give me advice anything.",Depression +47712,"I'm an extremely depressed teen, no hope in the future. Thinking about suicide. Hello. + +TW: SUICIDE; DEPRESSION; ANXIETY. + + +I want to start this off by saying I'm F15. + + +Ever since I was young, I dreamt about having an exceptionally great life. I dreamt of finding the love of my life, being rich, etc. + + +Lately, I've seen my brothers getting that kind of life, and also lately, I was met with anxiety. + + +I barely can't sleep at night, I'm extremely depressed, because I just have no hope in the future. + + +Like, I feel like I'll never live the life I want, or find the love of my life, because I feel unloved. I feel, I don't want this to sound stupid, but I feel way too smart for some people, yet too dumb for others. + + +I'm extremely depressed. Like, I hate how everyone is living their best lives, and I'm stuck in my home with my mentally ill jobless + + + + + + + + +mother, depressing, unloved, without anyone, cause I practically have no friends. + + +And my brothers just have their own life. + + +So I'm truly alone. + + +And I have no hope, no will, no fun. + + +I want to kill myself.",Depression +47713,"Why accepting and even embracing my depression has actually helped me. Let me start that I used to feel shame and embarrassment about my depression. I used to hate myself and feel like a freak, and that nobody else ever went through the feelings I did. I was terrified of people finding out I suffered from depression, like it would make them think less of me and that I should be avoided and pitied. + +At some point, I had a certain epiphany, if you will. I concluded that depression is a normal thing that affects everyone. I have a feeling anyone who says they never get depressed isn’t being honest, or just afraid of judgement. Everyone gets depressed, and it shouldn’t be anything to be ashamed about. + +I’m aware that, although everyone experiences depression, it doesn’t affect everyone the same. Some people, such as myself, have closed themselves off to people and made themselves a victim of this idea that they should feel ashamed of their depression and hide it from everyone, lest they be judged and ridiculed for it. + +But not me, not anymore at least. I think depression should be normalized, or at the very least accepted. People shouldn’t be made to believe they’re broken and need to be fixed. Depression isn’t something that needs to be “fixed”, it’s something that needs to be understood. The truth is, my depression isn’t going to just go away. It’s a natural, human emotion. It’s a part of the human condition, and only someone completely devoid of emotion would never go through it. + +I get it, it sucks to go through it. I know all to well, and can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to die. But i don’t regret my depression, because I believe it gives my more humility. I believe that by being more open and accepting of my depression, I can open up to others going through those painful, difficult times. I can show them that even though depression may never go away for good, there are ways to manage it healthily and effectively. I think it just starts by learning to understand and accept depression as a normal, human emotion that everyone goes through. Don’t ever think you’re the only one or that you have it worse than everyone else. If I could do it, you should be able to, too.",Depression +47714,"Fuck me, i wish i wasnt so emotionally numb to everything. Every single day, i keep thinking about how emotionally numb i feel. About how rich and vibrant life would be if i was not so depressed. I constantly feel robbed of my emotions, especially after i felt genuine human emotion and joy for just one day. I felt happy just to be alive. What happened man? I wish i could just feel happy to be alive again, and feel joy and happiness from the littlest things.",Depression +47715,"Everything is meaningless And i cant get rid of that feeling. Why do i need to wake up? Why do i need to have any goals? Why do i need to live? +We will all die one day. Why prolonging the inevitable? There's surely nothing after death, and there's yet still nothing fun being alive too. +We live in a world that doesnt care about you and your problems. Everyone wants you to be productive and useful. And when you suddenly understand how useless it all is, they call you mentally ill.",Depression +47716,"The last dip Hey guys, + +So my long term partner just broke up with me today. I don’t blame her I was emotionally crazy and always depressed. + +She was my only friend and my only light sometimes but I know I put her off a lot. I understand my faults. + +I usually would go to the gym and stuff but I don’t hate this girl or feel wronged. If anything I wronged her by taking her for granted. + +Either ways I feel all alone. I have no one and no one close enough or comfortable enough to talk to and confess my emotions to. + +I guess it’s just me and my crazy thoughts from now on then.",Depression +47717,"No desire for life anymore. I feel so defeated. Everything that could possibly go wrong in life, has gone wrong. I’m not living, I’m just existing. Nothing brings me joy. I can’t do it anymore.",Depression +47718,I need someone to talk to If anyone will be around later tonight just dm me,Depression +47719,"I am tired of being lonely I am so tired of being lonely to the point of removing myself. I have had it right up to me head several times but im always too afraid to pull the trigger and vegetable myself. Im a 24yo kissless virgin incel and have no friends or family. I am so inept at making friends or talking to girls. I havent even tried talking to girls in 8 something years because i convinced myself that i “dont like them” but God i want someone to love and connect and grow with, eventually start a family. Theres a cute girl i work with that i tried talking to for a bit, but i know im too ugly and dont offer anything so i just blocked her. She asked about it the next day and made me add her back on social media stuff and i ended up blocking her again. Im simply not good enough, she deserves better. I missed out on meeting someone in highshool or college, and so im destined to be a 40yo virgin. I hate seeing all these couples around me, some my age, being happy and being normal. Why cant i just be normal. Why am i an outcast. If only i could muster the courage to pull that trigger, id save myself so much pain.",Depression +47720,"So tired of life I’m too tired to carry on. University is too difficult. My disability is such a burden. My mental health is spiralling. My acne is so bad I am afraid to look people in the eyes. My social anxiety is awful, and I’m such an awkward person. I’ve been sick for months, and it’s made me become super negative and withdraw from my friends. I’m quite shy and it makes people look down on me and ignore me. I was bullied all throughout primary school, and basically ignored after that. + +I wish a car would hit me and it’d be all over. Quick and simple. No pain. I know by this point I am the problem, and I’m not blaming anyone else for what’s happened to me in my life. It’s just so tiring",Depression +47721,Adding vvraylar to my Effexor regime. I’m nervous The Latuda has stopped working on my depression. I have bipolar 2 with primarily major depression symptoms. I’m so depressed right now I can’t stand it so my dr switched me to vvraylar 1.5mg. I’m nervous about the side effects. I don’t know how im going to continue to live with this into old age. My bipolar was manageable without much medication prior to surgical menopause now im bat shit crazy depressed. I don’t see my self aging well. I’m 46 now. How has the older community managed their symptoms? Thanks in advance,Depression +47722,"I hate my life. As the title states, I hate my fucking life. There is nothing redeemable or meaningful about my existence. I clean toilets for just above minimum wage to get by. Everyday is a sisyphean nightmare, I scrub the literal shit just for there to be more shit. Endless shit, such is life. It’s funny because everyone tells me I can do so much more, but is that truly so? I hate everything about everything yet have no real motivation to change. I’m just so tired all the time. + +Little background to paint the pathetic picture, I’m in my late twenties and live with my parents. I’ve had no remaining friends for several years now (for the better), have had a suspended license for 4 years, and my only sibling hasn’t talked to me in years. My parents and girlfriend are the last remaining positive things in my life, yet personal guilt blocks my appreciation of them. I honestly don’t deserve them. + +Why they haven’t discarded me like everyone else is beyond me. I’m a pathetic, self-absorbed, alcoholic blister. The only time I don’t experience crippling anxiety and the hollowness of my self- inflicted sadness is when skirting the line of a blackout. I have embarrassed my girlfriend and parents countless times. Despite my best efforts, I’m not a likeable person, even when sober. I hate that I have to not drink two days a week, otherwise the familiar beast of physical dependence comes knocking on my decrepit door. + +I’m not sure why I’m even bothering to write all this. It’s not like I’m capable or even worthy of change. I got cleaned up and worked a 12 step program rigorously for over a year in the past. Tried to convince myself that I could even make healthy friends and live a normal life. I also went on Prozac, which made only a negligible difference except for the broken dick. That facade quickly crumbled once I realized that people like me are simply not meant to be happy. I lived in nothing more than a hopeful fantasy all that time. + +In the end there isn’t much else to say. Life just isn’t fair, and I haven’t the energy to even complain anymore. The 18 yearold who locked 13 yearold me in his garage and shot me with a BB gun is a rich corporate lawyer. The highschool team-mate who regularly beat my ass is an investment manager for Merryl Lynch. If there weren’t losers like me, then there wouldn’t be winners like them.",Depression +47723,fuck school Dont know where to start…i hate that damn school so much.I didnt even actually pick my school since my parents did it for me.Im at the hardest type of high school here in slovakia.And whats the best i got to go to college or else my high school is gonna be useless.Most of the subjects are going pretty well for me but damn…Maths and physics is a whole another level.Im trying my best all the time but im starting to figure out that im just stupid.Yesterday i learned physics for 5 hours straight and guess what i got.Yes its F.This shi happens all the time but somehow i still manage to get the grades right.But what makes me sick is my parents.Im 17 and i have been a gamer since 7.Idk if they just discovered a new way of raising their children but everytime i get a bad grade even from subjects like physics and math they just take my pc away lmao.Idk what they want to achieve with that but it makes me so upset.I dont see a pc like a problem cause my grades dont even get worse.Its actually the only thing that makes me happy after a long day…Just want to remind that im 17 and i worked the whole summer to buy this pc with all the setup.So thats all i guess…Dont know if anybody is gonna read this but if yes you can give me an advice.thx <3,Depression +47724,"How do you overcome feelings of self-pity and shame? My depression has, at this point, taken everything that was honestly important to me in my life. My education is a mess, I can't seem to care for or bond with my friends anymore. Everything that I liked to do I stopped doing and now I have no hobbies. I have an awful relationship with my mother so that doesn't help, and neither of us cook, me mostly because I can't do anything and her idk because she's busy I guess. So my eating habits are shit, my sleep schedule is reversed at this point and my hiegene is shit too. Everything's just gross and neglected now. And I feel this insurmountable amount of guilt and shame about the fucking embarrassing shithole my life has become. And I can't bring myself to go past this feeling that I'm a waste and that I've let myself down. I had many dreams and many expectations, I realise that I'm sentimental and idealistic by nature and I really do let my imagination run wild when it comes to how life is supposed to look like. But I've never imagined this even in my pessimistic scenarios. I avoid going to my therapist because I don't believe I want to get better anymore. I don't know if I even can. And I won't let anyone help me or choose to get better. And it just feels like I'm watching this person live my life for me and I disagree with everything they're doing but somehow I'm not strong or bothered enough to stop them? I've built this cycle that keeps me afraid and frozen all the time so I never do anything that could potentially improve my situation because that requires stakes and effort and faith and I'm afraid of all of those. Now I just find myself grieving who I am which I know sounds completely ridiculous but I will literally look at pictures of me and I swear to god, I will grieve how pretty I look or how I talented I was at something or how fun a certain memory was as if I'm no longer here or not alive. Like I'm in deathbed wishing I had done different and keeping myself in the position of a perpetual martyr. It's really fucking weird.",Depression +47725,"I am not motivated. I am not inspired. I have no purpose. I wake up every day and log into my online college. I go to work. I shower and some days I brush my teeth, but most days I can’t. Sometimes I put on new clothes but usually I don’t. I go in my room and i turn off the lights and lay in bed on my phone. I eat every other day. I sleep when I can’t take being away anymore. My foster parents are moving to Miami so they passive aggressively kicked me out. I’m 19. I don’t have any dreams, I don’t have anything anymore. I think of suicide as a simple solution. I’m not sad I just feel nothing. I can’t remember when I was truly inspired. I can’t remember the last time I cared. I’m a burden to everyone. I know it. Just let me die already.",Depression +47726,"If you feel stuck and like there is no way out listen to this I’m only 14 but I’ve struggled with very bad depression anxiety and adhd and it honestly sucks I hate every second of it and I’ve even used recreational drugs but. + +Antidepressants HELP I took bupropion xl 150mg for four days and I was HAPPY I went from suicidal to happy in two days medication can help and if you don’t want to because you want to muse drugs example when your on it is much easier to stay sober and staying sober helps a LOT with keeping a stable mood. + +I just wanted to say that if you need help there is something out there for you I used to be against antidepressants but they help so much it’s crazy i was happy and looked forward to the next day instead of waking up with dread I would literally go to bed early. + +I used to make up excuses to not get the help I needed because if I’m being honest in was scared to be happy I was so used to being depressed I was scared of change but when you get on an antidepressant that mood lift makes you realize that change is what I needed and it was just my depression holding me back.",Depression +47727,"I'm just tired I don't know why I'm even sad, but I have been like this for so long, that now it doesn't matter. + +I'm just tired",Depression +47728,"bupropion / Wellbutrin + anxiety? I can't face going back on an SSRI/SNRI. + +I've tried most of the common alternatives - they all turn me into a zombie with zero memory in short order, except Mirtazapine - that turns me into a no-memory zombie with food cravings. + +Doctor is also willing to try second-line treatments of + +Vortioxetine / Trintellix  +Bupropion / Wellbutrin + +&#x200B; + +Is Buproprion a bad combo for someone who suffers with depression/poor sleep driven by anxiety and chronic stress/raised cortisol? + +I'm mainly concerned about the impacts on sleep, although from what I can tell, it seems IR may be better",Depression +47729,Parent Breaks What is the point of taking a day to yourself as a parent? Its like a day pass from prison. You know you just have to go back. How is any break supposed to feel reviving when the life you leave and also the one you take with you feels worthless and pointless? I'm basically just going to feel shitty in a different location. Self care is worth shit.,Depression +47730,"Yesterday was so good but today it's back It's like I had a breath of fresh air. I was sober, I was productive, I was task oriented. I got constructive things done and even worked on hobbies just a smidge. It was so nice to breathe yesterday. Today I started off well and I kept giving myself projects to do. I repotted some things and made the mistake of posting a pic on Reddit. I wanted to share a cute lil repot I did. Now, I know I can't take things on Reddit personally, and some people left positive comments, but some people were judging what I did and telling me I was wrong for it. I sort of lashed out and started to respond to them, but someone told me off for it and I realized I was being unreasonable. + +It's not the post or the comments that got me. It's just that I was trying to do well and be happy and share a little of myself with something or someone outside of my bubble. I'm a home maker (30F) and I'm alone all day. I have long distance friends, but no one nearby. My friends don't really check on me- we are all mentally ill and I usually put myself on the back burner and stay quiet, so I think they lean on me and don't view me as needing help.i wish they would reach out more and ask me how I am. + +I feel so incredibly alone. I have felt such immense depths of pain in my life. I am still fighting to grow and heal. I wish I could've taken my therapist with me to the new state when I moved. I wish I had just one person who understood the depths of what I feel and how crazy and chaotic my brain is. I wish I could friggin breathe right now. I wish it was yesterday again.",Depression +47731,"This may help you sleep and anxiety! CBD, CBN and CBG oil the best natural medication for anxiety if you ask me: https://allianthemp.com/collections/all",Depression +47732,i don't know but i feel empthy I have a good life my most people standars but i don't fell happy i do not lack friends a girlfirend or sex but i still feel unhappy and i don't know why,Depression +47733,"25 and depressed af I’m 25M and really got nothing going for me right now. + +I am lucky to have a few friends here. But everything is dull, each time I even hangout I feel like I radiate bad energy. + +I just think how I could be better. + +Literally have not been working as much because my work is flexible. + +I smoke weed every night usually so maybe that plays a factor. + +I was with my friend and his girlfriend and her friends the other day. I left early because I was tired and wanted to sleep in my own bed. + +I just feel like a burden all the time and don’t want to ruin the energy. I feel like shit, why am i like this.",Depression +47734,"How do I approach a close friend who has withdrawn herself into her room My close friend and flatmate has depression, and she has in the past two days out of nowhere shut herself out from everybody, including me who prior to this hung out with her almost daily. She has also stopped going to university. I am worried and don't know how to approach trying to talk to her as she has not reciprocated any messages of going for a walk or for food. I know it may be best to leave her be but as her friend I want to at least talk to her face to face and help her with any emotional support or comfort, especially since we live in the same flat. + +&#x200B; + +Should I just knock on her door, or just leave her be and keep texting to check up on her every once in a while? I do understand that depression can sometimes be better dealt with alone as not to be overwhelmed but I cant help but feel worried for her. + +&#x200B; + +(all her replies to messages of concern are 'i am alright' and along those lines) + +Any advice would be greatly appreciated",Depression +47735,I've been depressed for over half my life now I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 10 and now I'm 21.,Depression +47736,"It's getting bad again Weird how spring is approaching quickly, yet I can feel the darkness coming again. In the mornings, I wake up as late as possible, so I can spend the early hours in my bed, either unconscious or dreaming, without pain-- without the burden of reality. + +The rest of the day I spend in a haze of hating myself, escaping reality through videogames, and starving myself. Losing weight makes me feel good again: I deserve the feeling of an empty stomach, and at the same time, restricting my calories is the only thing that I can control in my life. + +These days, I'm very forgetful, too. I forget appointments and run late for the very few things I have left in my life. My family gets angry at me a lot, to them I am a nuisance. They don't understand why I am slacking. They don't know that I hate being alive, and their anger makes me want to end my consciousness even more. + +The evenings are the worst, though, because they are filled with regrets. I'm wasting time. I'm ruining my 20s. I'm isolating myself from the world and soon I won't have anyone left. But I cannot change. I'm powerless against the sadness. It doesn't feel like spring.",Depression +47737,"I want to get out of this dumb brainrotting place(bit of vent sorry) I want to talk to my friends and they talk back and we have a fun and nice time. I want to be happy and drink water and get up early and go to university every day and go to work. +I. Cant. Do. It. +I have 0 support except my girlfriend but i cannot class her as any kind of psychological support. + +I am going back on my meds soon because i was okay for a while w/o them but I’ve been really really bad. +it’s like i have a baseline feeling of sadness and not good but then it really worsens for no reason just from the most random triggers. +I want to be fucking normal! +My social skills have been fucking depreciating so bad as-well like i just want to have a nice chat maybe but i just push people away and i want to not do that!!!!",Depression +47738,"I'm so sick of university (rant) It's just a constant struggle, the degree isn't even that valuable and I haven't been to my classes for a couple weeks now. I wake up and sit in the shower for an hour, make some food and play games. I have two dissertations due in May along with 3 other assignments, and 2 exams. No one seems to believe I'm depressed, my boyfriend says I'm ""not mentally ill I'm just going through a hard time"", but everyone else handles it better than me. + +I have to work at a bar that's open til 4am on the weekends and I finish work at 5, then a half hour walk back so at the best of times I fall fall at 6. I know that this job is making my mental health worse but I don't have long left at uni now, there's no point in quitting. + +In the UK the government give you a maintenance loan to help pay rent and cover living costs, most people get around £7-9k per year, I get 4k because of my parents income, but they don't even make that much and they can't help me financially. The 4k doesn't even cover the rent for my place so my part time job is paying rent, food, laundry, transport, clothes when I need them etc, and other things. + +I'm managing to save up my money without spending over budget but that's about the only thing that seems worth it, actually making money. With university there is nothing to motivate me other than guilt or shame. My first year of uni was during the pandemic and the second year was heavily affected as well. Third year is just full of strikes, the free university bus never shows up so I miss my classes when I actually try, it's all so demotivating. + +The one time I opened up to a friend properly he distanced himself from me because I didn't text him back for a couple days, and he took it personally, even after I explained everything to him. To be honest, he was a terrible friend anyway, but I'll save you the details. My parents don't understand it, they're in denial that their kid is depressed and anxious, probably because they are too, but my mum always tells me I'm just being silly when I open up, so not much hope there. + +I just wish I could sleep through it all. I feel like I have no control over my life at the moment and I feel like a waste of oxygen. I don't know if this would be helpful to anyone, but I hope someone else can relate.",Depression +47739,"I don’t know when, but I know I’m gonna do it now. I wish people understood how much stomach pain I get a day, and then there’s the fact that I’m so scared to throw up that I have a full panic attack every single time I’m nauseous. I wanted to go to a really nice school next year but because of my attendance that option has been washed down the drain. I don’t have the GPA to get in a good college and I know it’s gonna stay that way, and I know I’ll never be mentally stable enough to have the family I’d want so it’s over. I’m going to kill myself I’m just planing on how exactly I want it to play out.",Depression +47740,I don't want to live anymore. I just have zero will to live .,Depression +47741,"I've been struggling but I think this is the last straw.. My mom died last Oct, I've been fighting legal battles with my stepbrothers that dropped surprise court papers on me that basically said fuck you in mid Dec. They were supposed to be filing an estate immediately but took their time until they conspired enough support and stolen everything they wanted. + +Last month the legal battles were supposed to be over, they withdrew, they are not over... + +Just under a month ago I began the laborious task of moving 20+yrs of stuff with little to no help. The things the stepbrothers stole, like truck and trailer would of helped tremendously in moving and storage. + +This last weekend I began swapping some of my mom's stuff out for mine and disposing of some of it. I moved half of it to the curb and kept back a working fridge and a couch. + +Then I got sick, I'm still sick. + +Garbage came Tuesday and still sick I halfheartedly worked on my mess...as the local neighbor rookie gun-hobcop drop by...he seen me working... I seen him see me. + +Today I received a citation for non working appliances, ""it's a nuisance""...except they do work...well the fridge did. I ""removed"" the doors as the officer I called and spoke to advised. Then I proceeded to fill my sidewalk with ever single bit of stuff I don't want. + +This same cop started dating a girl down the street last year at some point who recently turned 18... + +Around this time my step dad died and mom had cancer, I was having financial troubles and gas was $5/Gallon. I asked on local Facebook pages trying to get a charger for my electric trimmer to no avail. Eventually my grass was exactly the height max allowed..in spots...so naturally this same cop took it upon themselves to send me a citation. When complaining about the citation on a local page I was told ""if I can't afford to mow my grass I should pay someone to do it"".........like wtf... + +I just want to mourn my mother's death but even after months of struggling non-stop I can't take 2 days off to be sick. Fuck farmington il, fuck fpd, fuck Officer M. Carlock.",Depression +47742,"Lost my bestfriend Back in January my bestfriend and drummer of my band committed suicide, he was the type of dude where we were both the same age but we looked up to each other. Him and I went through so much together, we wrote songs, we played shows, we did stupid shit 18 year olds did, he made me the person I am today. One time he got on my shoulders in a big trench coat and sunglasses and we tried to buy beer and had the whole store laughing. He’s gone now, I feel like I have nothing, all my other friends, it feels like they’re not there, I feel like I have no one besides my parents, I love life but at this point I honestly don’t care if I die, if I die I die, so what. Nothing feels like it can fill the whole that he left, he was my soulmate of a friend, it feels like we were built for eachother, the hardest part about all of this is that my future feels like tunnel vision and all my future plans included him in some way, now my whole concept of a future for myself is in shambles, I don’t know what to do, I’m lost. I miss you buddy.",Depression +47743,"Life is shambolic and i think im done Where do i even begin? Ig 1st for apologising, as this will be a mess and ive never used reddit before, so idek if im even doing this correct. I just cant do this shit no more. Like im pathetic. 16 and my life is so deplorable that im alone, no1 cares for me, every1 hates me and im a failure, even to my parents. Ive already tried killing myself once before and i couldnt even do that right (clearly.) That was like 8 months ago and NOTHINGS CHANGED. In fact, its probs worse somehow. I just dont know what to do. From being friendless through my own doing, from being hated by my family, from being attempted robbed by knife point less than a week ago, from being a complete failure and disappointment. I just dont know anymore. Funny thing is, everything is so much worse than 8 months ago, but im still here, fighting as if things r gonna get better, when ik they aint. All i do is overthink abt every lil interaction, conversation and how life could be such better that it consumes all of my energy, to the point where i cant concentrate at school bc all i can think abt is killing myself and how i just should. What makes it worse is that this is only the 2nd time ive ever talked abt this shit, bc i can't. Not even to myself. Whenever some1 asks how i am (once in a millenia) i cant be honest. I just smile and say generic bs. When im not ok. I just bury my head in the sand and pray it gets better, that itll go away. IT NEVER FUCKING DOES. NOT IN 2 YRS IT HASNT. So y should it change now? The voices r winning, and idk what to do. I just want to die. The world would probs be better off anyway. Let me go thru spotify once more, and i think im done. Ty and sry",Depression +47744,"Depression mostly I my bedroom What's it all about. I can get by ok outside even sitting in a room with friends or family, at college etc. + +But once in my room and I spend a lot time there as not very social and introverted. + +I end up fapping all the time as it makes me feel good. But it's not healthy or ideal. + +I used to be happy playing video games, movies, tv etc. But not getting into them so much now. + +I feel as I'm older not a teenager and at parent house (will be for at least 2 more years due to finances and study) perhaps its not right I'm not sure. Even if I had a flat would it be any different. When I have a gf I don't even care about sex but single I just think about it all time it's weird haha. + +Tbh when I'm alone I find I just want to fap and think of sex. Maybe having a gf would help that aspect I don't know? Even still I'm just not losing myself I movies and video games proffering to study etc which is fine but should have fun stuff to. + +I make music but can't be bothered that either. + +I also notice my hair thinning and think about that all the time which gets me down a lot and makes me feel ageing, maybe a root cause of my depression. + +Anyway overall its like I can walk about my house fine but as soon as I go into my bedroom my mood drops so low and my room is nice, open, lots of fun things tv, games, music etc. + +Maybe at my age bedroom just for sleeping now? But still it is what is why can't I be happy room. + +Maybe I just not got a good balance. Due to my crap hair I stopped going out at night or weekends which was fun and common when younger. I just feel ugly, old and depressed to go out now. + +When I used to go out I found that I was happy home in room for few days as no desire to go out. Then go out and repeat. + +Now I never go out so could be issue to? So I feel always in my room, balance was better before. + +Also not just my hair but I'm older and lost many friends who have moved on married had kids etc so going out is not really a thing anymore anyway. + +I'm so lost right now.",Depression +47745,Dysthymia I over eat & under eat. Can’t sleep at night and sleep during the day. When I have an episode I hate to call other people because I don’t want to “bring them down”. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything but lay in bed. I always worry about something bad happening to me. Even though I have hobbies and try do make healthy eating decisions etc. Just ranting because I’m crying for no apparent reason and need to vent. I hope everyone is ok. 🥹,Depression +47746,"Back in this stupid lonely hole with no one to share my thoughts with Sorry In advanced for the rant of anyone even reads this lol, 19m, I used to use this app a lot to talk people out of hurting themselves or give people a chance to vent when I was really depressed as a coping mechanism I guess. I started feeling better as I graduated high school with honors and began moving towards an exciting and new time in my life. There were ups and downs sure, but I was probably happier than I’ve been in years since entering college. I found new hobbies, met amazing friends, worked out, etc, I even finished the semester with all As. That’s why it hurts even more to still be in this place. Nearly all of my online friends ditched me like they always do, half of my real life friends just stopped showing any interest In me, I can’t find a reason to give af about school and I’ve stopped all but one of my hobbies (piano). It’s like once I get a taste of feeling okay everything falls apart and I know what I need to do to fix it, but I just feel so alone and I need so badly to share my thoughts with someone but despite being in a school of ten thousand plus people, there’s not one person I feel okay turning to for help. I just want it to end, it never gets better and it hurts so much because I have a lot of love for other people and I just never seem to have that love reciprocated. I never leave anyone, but people always get bored of me and move on to the next. I just want someone to love me man",Depression +47747,"Miserable after stopping Zoloft cold turkey and switching to Wellbutrin The zoloft appeared to stop working months ago (after 6 years) so I stopped cold turkey and switched to Wellbutrin (which i was supposed to take with the zoloft) but now I feel even worse than before. Its been over a week and the crying, self hate and thoughts of self harm and suicide are too much. I just wish I could have some mental stability, I cant deal with this anymore. I feel alone in this experience and consumed with horrible thoughts. Should i go back on the zoloft and take wellbutrin and zoloft together? I need to be mentally well ASAP so i can focus on my responsibilities but its been difficult.",Depression +47748,"I want to just hit the road and drive forever. Seriously, there's nothing keeping me in this area anymore so why stay, I'm seriously tempted to just full the tank and just drive and drive with nothing other than my thoughts to occupy me.",Depression +47749,"Morning Routine I am struggling with going out of bed in the morning and starting the day when I don't have to leave the house right away. Besides drinking my coffee, I absolutely don't have a routine in the morning. I just don't know what to do with myself after I turned off my alarm. + +I wanted to ask you guys: + +What are the small things that help you in the morning? + +Do you have specific constant morning routines? how do they look? + +Any other thoughts about that topic?",Depression +47750,"How do I confront my mother about telling other family members about my mental illness I am 99.9% sure she’s been telling everyone and I really didn’t want her to. + + + +a) my grandma “had a talk” with me. The basic stuff like I can tell her anything and shit. + + + + +b) my dad told me “the entire family is helping you.” Which is kinda fucked up to me. + + + + + +My dad wouldn’t give enough of a shit to do this. So what do I say to her? I am mad. Extremely mad. But I’ve never been before. I’m a generally calm person and I’m scared of coming off as it being funny or something. What do I do?!",Depression +47751,"I don't feel suicidal but I also don't see a purpose on going on I been dealing with depression for a long time now, since I was about 12 or so, my teen years were the worse for me as that's when I actually felt suicidal as around that time my parents were having a divorce and I was failing school, never got the treatment I needed for this as my mother didn't like the idea of having to use drugs to make me better and never got me therapy either so I was left to somehow fix myself on my own for many years which I had to do many many google searches to figure out what is wrong with me. +Right now my depression has been getting worse due to my godfather passing away on 2023 new year's and I had to put down my 16 year old cat 2 weeks ago and that has been hitting me hard. I also don't have a job sadly to keep me busy and I don't have too many friends that live close to me that I can go out and do stuff with(I do still try to talk to them through text tho), but I was thinking on finding some kind of distraction like exercise but I haven't found that motivation on moving forward yet. I did finally set up a therapy appointment for myself but it took a lot of work to even set it up. + + +I'm kinda just spitting word vomit out right now but one of my coping mechanism is Maladaptive Day Dreaming (which if you don't know what that means is a behavior where a person spends an excessive amount of time daydreaming, often becoming immersed in their imagination) lately I have been stuck in my head a lot making up a bunch of stories and just wishing I could be in my perfect world that I made up and sadly its just making me even more depressed because I know I would never be able to live in that world, like I would imagine myself being a superhero with powers but then I end realizing superpowers will never exist and I end up sad, so basically I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this before and what you did to make it stop because I want this to stop very badly as with my own self-awareness I can see where our world is a nice place and you can experience a lot of things but I never have the energy or motivation to experience it. + + +Sorry if this is a lot to read but I'm at my breaking point and I don't know what to do with myself and I really want to make this emptiness inside me to go away, I'm tired of living in a dull boring world.",Depression +47752,"I don't want to exist I feel like shit. I feel like I have nothing left. I can do nothing. I have no options and I ahve no choice over my own life. I don't want to exist. Everything in life feels too stressful and like too much. I can't get a job I am out of school. I don't have the capability or option to to either. I have no skills and no motivation for anything I used to enjoy. Nobody understands more. Nobody knows the real me. I can't talk to anybody. My family don't understand. I have not friends. I see no reason to continue. I am a burden on my family. They'd be better off not having to deal with me. I basically don't exist so there is no reason for me to try to. +I want help but I cannot get any. I cannot reach out. I am unable of talking to people. I literally cannot speak to most people. My family won't belive me or take me seriously and I'm scared of them. I want to die but if I do then I will die as somebody else. I just want to be me. But I cannot. I have been trying for so long. I have tried to keep going but I am reaching a point where I feel like I'm going insane. I want to scream and destroy something. I want this feeling to just end but it won't. I don't want this life. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I were just normal. Or just had never existed. I should have never existed. We should never have been twins. I am only an inconvenience. I am disgusting. I don't deserve my life. I don't deserve to eat. I don't deserve my family. I don't deserve help. I don't deserve to be loved.",Depression +47753,"advice for helping my friend might delete later in case they see this- I don’t think they’re a Reddit user, but just in case. I really need advice on how to help my friend. I thought it would be easy, since I’ve struggled with depression for about 3 years now, but I just can’t find the words to give any helpful advice. I’m really worried about them, and they’re addicted to a few things (though they don’t think that they have a problem), so I’m scared that whatever I say or do is going to make it worse, especially since they often talk about wanting to commit suicide. + +All I want is to help them, but they often stop talking about it once I start to sound worried. There isn’t anyone else that I can ask for help at this point, so I’m hoping to maybe get some advice from here. Sorry if this is kind of vague, I really don’t want them to find out.",Depression +47754,"I can't keep going on with my life I can't keep going on + +What can I say? I'm depressed, very hard to find motivation to move on, to complete tasks. I'm in college now, and studying became so hard I can't describe. In school I was one of the best students and a couple years later remembering and learning even a tiny pieces of new information is extremely hard. Even if it's something relatively easy. Back in the daysI could read for hours, not only fiction literature, but books about history, science and everything. Now I'm barely completing the minimum to stay in college. + +I'm trying to be more socially active, go outside, go to gym, try to learn something new every day but everything stays the same. Well, not exactly the same, because it just keeps getting harder. + +I don't believe I'll be able to finish college, find love(I'm really bad at social interactions and meeting new people), find a job, and become happy. Every day it is only harder and harder to move on and deal with problems. +I've also fallen in love with a girl that don't find me interesting. +I hate being in love, because it never plays well, and in the end, all relationships I had, ended badly. My last gf dumped my on my birthday more than a year ago and I spent next half year to recover from that. Than I have fallen in love with this girl, we had some nice conversation and I did fall in love, but she didn't. Of course I'm not blaming her for that but damn, I haven't fallen in love like this since the second grade, my feelings for her are so strong. I usually lose the ability to speak adequately and formulate thoughts when I am around her. +On the bright side, two weeks ago I bought myself an acoustic guitar, which was my little dream for a couple of years, and I'm making some progress in that direction. And this despite the fact that never in my life I've done anything even relatively connected to music. But I like it. + +Peace to everyone who read this to the end. Hope you're doing okay.",Depression +47755,Rough days suck It’s been a rough day already and it only started 3 hours ago. I always struggle with self doubt but today the thoughts are here tenfold. Struggling with the urge to sh. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone. It just feels like I’m crying wolf and it makes me feel manipulative. I don’t know if I want to cry or sit and stare blankly. I’ve never been a dissociative person but days like today make me wish I was. I’m tired of feeling things and being overwhelmed by all my thoughts. I just want them to stop.,Depression +47756,"I know that if i was more responsible i wouldn’t feel so depressed but i have no desire to get better. everyday i wake up and snooze my alarms, slog through classes, do homework last minute, jerk off when i know it makes me depressed, spend money, overeat and smoke weed. + +i feel like i have lost control fully and i just don’t care. + +i don’t want to live like this forever.",Depression +47757,"just something to help cope I think. I've always felt like something was missing in my life. It was a nagging feeling, a sense of emptiness that I couldn't shake no matter what I did. + +But then, as I wrote my thoughts and feelings onto the page, I felt the presence of someone reading these words. It was as if there was someone out there who was willing to listen to me, to understand the things that I had been carrying around for so long. + +As you continue to read these words, unfiltered and unvarnished, I feel a sense of hope. Hope that someone out there is willing to spend time getting to know me, to understand the thoughts and feelings that I keep hidden from the world. + +It's a strange feeling, to know that someone is reading the things that go through my mind. But it's also incredibly comforting, to know that I'm not alone anymore, that someone out there cares enough to read what I have to say. + +I don't feel lonely anymore, because I know that you're out there, reading these words. It's like we're connected in a way that's hard to explain, like we're sharing something special. + +And so, as you continue to read, I want you to know that I appreciate you. I appreciate the time you're taking to understand me, to think about the things that I'm saying. + +You're showing me that I'm interesting enough to be worth reading, and that means more to me than you could ever know. I feel loved, in a way that's hard to explain, but it's real, and it's powerful. + +So thank you, dear reader, for spending this time with me. Thank you for giving me hope, for showing me that there's more to life than just the empty feeling that I've been carrying around for so long",Depression +47758,"my biggest regret in life is not ending it when i had the perfect opportunity when i was 14 going on 15 i was going to end it before my 15th birthday. ihad it all planned out and without triggering anyone/giving any ideas, i knew it was going to work and be successful. i remember going to where i was about to do it, i felt such a rush , so much excitement and relief knowing that it will all be over in a few months. i decided that i was going to do it either 1-2 months before my birthday so it gives my family enough time to recover and quickly get over it, then my birthday won’t be difficult as it will be a while since i’ve passed. + +a boy in my class also told me that when i die, he will throw a huge party and invite the entire year group. this made me more excited to end it, gave me that motivation knowing that no one would care and instead see it as such an amazing thing that i’m not here. for once in my life i’m doing the right thing. i wanted to know more about it and would always bring it up to him in the class, asking who’s going to be invited, can anyone bring a plus 1 and where it would be. + +suddenly though life just happened, my mom was in an abusive relationship, she couldn’t take it anymore and so we had to move away to start a new life, new school, everything. i didn’t realise any of this was happening until we actually left. in that moment i just wanted to be there for my mom, she would be crying a lot and looked so drained. in a new environment having to start all over again, my original plan of ending it back home i just knew in my heart it wouldn’t work and my mom really needed me so i stayed alive + +i’m 19 now and its gotten better for everyone but me. i still have these thoughts and i regret not doing it, even after everything that happened which i know just makes me a bad person ): i’m in therapy rn but it’s early days i idk if i should tell her all this. oh well. + +some support would be great though, do any of you feel this way and wish you just did it",Depression +47759,Ex My ex decided to have a baby 3 months after our divorce and I feel like I’m dying.,Depression +47760,"Perfect break from depression and life Can we just take a minute to appreciate that going under general anaesthetic is the best feeling ever because it’s like you’re actually falling asleep into death. Free trial for real :) + +Best 30 seconds ever. + +Also feeling your consciousness fade away when they give you an IV of pain meds hits so good. 10/10 would recommend.",Depression +47761,"I just don't wanna live as a short guy Sometimes I feel completely worthless as a short guy. Whenever I talk about my struggles, I get bombarded with 'it's not your height, but your attitude"". But believe me when you live as a short guy your whole life and see all women fawn over tall men, it hurts, it completely crushes your soul. I have never in my entire lifetime heard a woman say they like short men. Maybe I could have but it's almost negligible to how many times I've heard ""tall men are so masculine, protective, dominant"" And stuff like that. The media is filled with tall men being the protagonist and all the women fawning over them. I mean how could someone live with this. I know a lot of people are gonna say, be stoic and shit, but doing that is very hard. I wanna be completely transparent that my hatred for women has also increased because of this. I don't see a way out of this. I have tried to find ways but it's impossible to escape this. Sometimes I literally hate my mother and sisters as well. I have asked my sisters about their type and they have also said the same thing:-""TALL MEN"". It's brutal.",Depression +47762,A thing i can not explain but i’ll give it my best shot Since i was a kid i’ve sometimes gotten this strange feeling that is impossible to explain. Its kind of an anxious feeling but it has somethign to do with sizes of things. I srsly dont have a way to explain it! Its kind of like i feel like i’m physically the size of an ant or the size of an elephant? Even though im well aware that im not. And that doesnt even describe it well enough. This makes no sense… pls help me haha,Depression +47763,"Depression Everyday I've have never had any real friends and i am always sad every darn day. + +I'm trying my hardest to make an things positive it's easier said than done. + +&#x200B; + +I dont know how to deal with this illness.",Depression +47764,"I am awful I dont do anything, I just sit at home playing videogames. I dont leave the house until I have to. I will never get a job. My room is dirty and mouldy. I cant do even basic things, no one could ever love me and I am digusting and ugly. I wish i could just do something, but I am not good at anything that might help me getting a good life.",Depression +47765,Everyone Wants Me To Pretend Nothing is okay anymore. I fake it when I have to just because I know it will make everyone feel better. They don't know I'm doing so shitty all the time. Why should they?,Depression +47766,how long does depression last after getting fired? I was fired early February and I have been so depressed ever since. I have nightmares about it at least once a week. I'm in school full time and had to drop one of my classes because I was failing so badly. I have no willingness to do my homework at all. idk what to do. I'm already on 20mg lexapro. it helps me not feel suicidal and makes me function I guess. I just feel so down and ashamed. I loved my job and right now I have 100 dollars to my name. I just recently got another job but don't start until april 3rd. and won't full pay til April 25th most likely. please someone tell me this is normal:/,Depression +47767,"Constant feeling that I'm doing something wrong. There is a persistent feeling of uneasiness and insecurity that permeates so many of my actions. I feel like somehow, unconsciously, I'm sabotaging my own future. Academically, socially, romantically, it feels like I'm constantly out of the loop on some essential piece of information that's going to come back and bite me in the future and ruin any chances of living a comfortable life. All I really want is to be modestly happy and to have the space to enjoy the few things that make me feel that life is worth living (family, love, reading, cooking, hiking, etc). But there is this never ending feeling of insecurity that I'll never achieve this. I know there are no guarantees and that our future is really out of our hands, but it just gets me down so much knowing that there's a possibility I'll be alone in the future or I'll end up too poor to engage in my passions, or that my life will become an endless stream of meaningless labour and bills, or that I'll reach a point where my opportunities in life have irrevocably passed and I'm trapped in a depressive, meagre existence forever. Probably sounds dramatic, but I just can't help this way of thinking, I always feel like there's something better I could be doing, some area of my life that needs to be optimised, some chain of decisions that once met will lead me to the best possible outcome. At the end of it all it just makes me want to withdraw and give up because of all the pressure.",Depression +47768,feel sick very very very very very sick sick sick sick sick sick I thought thougt I got betar yestaday and todey but but woke up feeling badd I canot explain how feel it so sudden I went sleep while ago feeling okay now I feel horribel i hate it i mey go back to sleep and see if feel better but idk man,Depression +47769,"On and off depression? For 2 weeks I’m good and feel like things are looking up and then it’s like a switch where everything turns to shit. + +In the bad weeks, I can’t leave the house and everyone is unbearable which really affects my life. Has anyone dealt with this and does anyone have any tips? + +Side note, I’ve been on every medication and refuse to use it anymore.",Depression +47770,"Why is life so unfair I see on the tv/ internet all these celebrities who are incredibly rich living their best lives. I am 35 years old and I have nothing, no house, no real friends. I have vitiligo which could spread all over my body. I never been in a relationship and probably never will due to vitiligo.",Depression +47771,"I’m barely eating For some context my abusive ex is the reason why I was in the mental hospital. Someone who I thought was my friend was talking to him and flirting with him knowing what I’ve been through. The betrayal put me into yet another depression a month after my hospitalization. + +2 weeks ago I weighed 132 and now I dropped down to 127. My appetite is barely there and I’ll often skip out on meals because I don’t have the energy to get out of bed. My dad is commenting on how little I’m eating and encourages me to eat more but I’m not hungry and eating seems like such a chore. My best friend (sister to the friend who betrayed me) will also encourage me to eat and will give me snacks. It’s not an eating disorder but rather I just completely lost my appetite and when I am hungry eating seems so tiring. I don’t want to be this way.",Depression +47772,"I inadvertently starve myself I am exhausted. The thought of getting out of bed most days feels extremely difficult. The thought of making myself food and eating feel impossible. I used to not be able to go to sleep hungry, but more recently, i do it every day. If i am tired i am going straight to bed even if i am starving. Sometimes when i take vitamins my brain thinks that is enough to keep off my hunger while i sleep. + +A few months ago i completely lost my appetite and didn't eat for over a day. It went away and my appetite came back, but recently I've been eating only one or two meals a day. Not because i want to lose weight. I just am so tired. + +If it's not fast food i can barely eat it. I can't eat a lot anymore. Sometimes the smell of food is sickening even if I'm hungry. Most of my meals are fast food. + +I am constantly hungry, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. + +Has anyone else felt like this?",Depression +47773,pregabalin as for depression monotherapy anyone success with pregabalin on depression without nasty side effects like ssri?,Depression +47774,"I hate my life I have always been alone. No friends, no partners, no fun experiences, no nothing. I’m not good at anything either. I have no hobbies or will to fulfill my tasks. I often see people on social media posting themselves with their partners and friends about how much fun they have and then there is me, a total loser that can’t focus on anything. A social reject with no skills, anxiety, derealization and a bland personality. Nothing about me is enthralling. I am waisting my youth trapped in my room, left to rot by my own kind. I get possessive, obsessive and moody all the time but I swear i can’t control myself. Either mania or depression, I am always alone. Nobody is rescuing me. I’m always getting used and owned by others and I can’t do anything, no matter how much I change. Why me?",Depression +47775,"Im getting tired of trying Hi guys. First time on this sub. Im here because i cant talk about this with anyone anymore. My gf is tired of hearing my depressed talk. Family too. I don’t blame them. I’ve always suffered from anxiety but its been a year since I’ve been experiencing depression. Im not diagnosed, not been to therapy, Ive been broke and have to eat too. But its an overwhelming feeling. + +I feel tired, i dont wanna do anything. Its hard for me to enjoy anything. I feel like Im a failure. Im about to be 30 and I dont have shit, my career as an artist sucks, im not getting no clients and also its extremely hard to put myself out there cause I feel like im So miserable people will be able to tell. I dont wanna see people anymore, I hate to being asked how im doing. I feel it’s exhausting for my loved ones to deal with me and I cant really blame them. It’s exhausting for me too. Maybe they dont have the tools to understand. Im never hungry anymore. + +Something triggered me yesterday, a friend of mine is getting engaged and i hate myself cause I really wanna be happy For them and I am. But also served as a reminder for me: im in a very low point in my life and I don’t know how to get out. It makes me feel so miserable when I think of how miserable i ended up to be. If that makes sense. + +And ive tried to do certain things. Learning new things. To distract myself. But i still have this overwhelming sadness on me and I really try to ser a way this will get better but seems to only get worse. I really dont see the right path. My dreams and aspirations are all broken and I can only cry when thinking about them. And i know there’s plenty people in probably worse situations than myself and I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. But i dont know what to do. Theres so many layers to this. I often ser my belongings and think of whatll people do with them if I die. + +I try to imagine the world without me and itll really wont be missing anything. Im thinking about my death every day now and Im afraid. Im writing this here cause I dont feel I have people to talk about this anymore and just wanted to let it out. I tried t summarize it as much as I could.",Depression +47776,"I don't know what I'm doing anymore I feel overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion. When I'm at work, I have to be 100% all the time, but I can't do that. I've tried looking at other jobs with the same or better pay and same hours but nothing has worked out. + +I can't keep up with my household chores or duties. I feel like I'm a burden every time I ask for help. I feel like there's no point but to give up.",Depression +47777,"Feeling useless I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I went to college just because I couldn't see myself working, I was able to get into my dream college, but not on the course I wanted. They rejected me because there was too many people. I do ""enjoy"" (mostly just tolerate) the subject I'm studying, but I hate the thought of actually putting in hours of work just to get a passing grade. When I get home, I can't think of anything but sitting down and watching something, stop thinking about my real life that has nothing to offer. I don't study at all. I used to draw every day and I must say I'm pretty good at it, but I just don't see the point anymore. My friends are not interested in my life whatsoever, even though I'm always asking how they are doing and if they need any help I don't remember the last time somebody texted me just to talk. My parents say they love me, but I can't really believe it thanks to their lack of interest in my childhood. Money is not a problem for me, they never said that they want me to pay them, but I feel like I should put in at least a little bit of money. I got sick two days ago and all I hear when my mother gets home is that the dishes are not clean. They ignore my confessions (I'm trans), get mad at me and then say that I'm lazy for sitting and not doing enough... Which is kind of true. All I do everyday is to think that one day it will get better, but it's hard to keep going. I can't look in the mirror, there are days where I just don't eat because I don't see the point, I don't take showers, I don't take care of my face anymore. I just feel like an intruder in this world. Useless. Piece of trash that's just thrown around. A cheer-up plushie that's useful when somebody needs a hug, or a punching bag when somebody wants to shout at it. I don't see my future. All I see is how miserable I am.",Depression +47778,"Why should anyone care about me. I have nothing to offer to this world. I'm 27, never had a job or done anything to contribute to society. I did sort of OK at college (mainly studied IT Software) but even then I had no idea of what job I wanted, what my career path would be. With this lack of guidance, I tried to go to supported internship places for a few years (I'm always told that because of my autism I need support). They got me some internships at various places (cafe, photography shop, printer's shop, charity shop), but I never felt useful. I always felt like I was too slow, and in the way of the actual useful people there that were just trying to do their job. + +I lead with my ""job"" history like this, because it seems to be all society cares about. At every turn it seems like people are talking about their ""productivity"", and their life is based around that. Which makes me feel bad because I haven't been ""productive"" since I left college in 2016. I have no motivation to do anything. Most people work because they need money to live somewhere, eat and survive, but I'm a spoilt asshole who mooches off of their mother. We live on benefits, which easily pay the bills and allow us to live a very comfortable life, which I constantly feel bad about because most people my age I see struggling to even make ends meet, but this is how it is I guess. I'm sorry. + +Sometimes things such as a new video game I'm looking forward to, or getting to hang out with a friend keeps me going and gives me at least enough motivation to not just lie in bed all day scrolling facebook or sleeping. But recently I haven't really had that. I play video games because it's something to do but I'm rarely excited about them these days. I very rarely (like a couple times a year if I'm lucky) do anything with a friend, because it seems like I'm always the one that has to ask to go out and do anything with them, but I don't want to bother them by asking that. It's lucky that I even have any friends. The rare friendships I have arise from me finding someone who has things in common with me (because if we don't have likes, dislikes, personality traits etc in common, I can't think of anything to talk to them about), and somehow finding the courage and drive to speak up to talk to them and try to befriend them. Which isn't easy because I'm too stupid to think of stuff to say a lot of the time, and my voice is really difficult for people to understand. But then because of a lack of me maintaining them, the friendships usually fall apart. People usually have much more interesting and less depressing friends than me that they'd rather spend time with I guess. + +Maybe I should seek help. I have done in the past, I've had appointments with therapists. (I'm lucky enough to live in the UK with free healthcare. My deepest sympathies go to those who don't have this luxury and have to go into debt just to have someone to talk about their mental and emotional struggles) But because I'm so inarticulate and slow, and my thoughts are so scattered, it takes me a while to think of what to talk about, and the sessions only allow so much time. So usually not that much comes of it and I leave feeling unsatisfied, and what the therapist says to me usually don't really help, which is my fault because I'm fucking beyond help. I sometimes tell my best friend what's wrong, and she tries to help, but this is basically just me using her as a therapist, which is shitty of me, and she's too nice to tell me to shut up and stop being so depressing all the time. I feel like this is driving her away, which would be horrible, because it would be extremely difficult for me to find new meaningful friendships. I'm not sure where I'd go to make friends, and then there's the matter of me finding what to say, and my voice... but the point I'm getting towards, is, I'm not sure why people should care. I struggle with depression, but so do a lot of people. And those people probably actually have skills, and the potential to actually do something with their life. I feel like it's selfish for me to feel like I deserve help. When people suggest things to me that might help me to feel better, I never feel the motivation to actually do them. I'm stuck in my comfort zone I guess, of just lying in bed, occasionally playing video games when I can find the motivation to even do that, eating and sleeping. I'm a completely useless person with nothing to offer society. I always have been. Why should anyone care about me? I should just be left to die.",Depression +47779,"I need help Hello guys! This is my first post here so please dont judge me! +First of all sorry for my bad English (Its not my own language) and second, this is a little peak trough my life and how I feel and what Im scared of. +Okay, Im 16 years old boy, who lives in a small town near big city, I dont have much friends but I do actually have a few (which I dont know if real or fake). +I have ADHD and Bipolar disorder but its not a big deal (I mean, its always fun with it). I am the class clown type of guy, I mean, I take everything as a joke even in the most serious moments. I feel like I am having the worst time of persons life. My head is a full mess and I often find myself comunicating with myself, which again is strange but I dont find it that bad. Whenever I go I get the same stare from people, Im always the goofy dumb friend that take everything as a joke and cant understand nothing, but I AM NOT. I want people to ztart respecting me, I have always been the good guy and I cant change that part of myself, no matter how hard I try (Sorry guys for changing the subject that quick, but as I said my head is a mess and I want to release everything that I have been holding back this long). For myself I can actually say that Im pretty smart but in the right moment (not in math class) but in situations that are on the cliff ( if you know what am sayin). I am not good at school but not bad either and I almost forgot to tell you, that I get the same piercing the soul look from my teacher as well. I dont know what to do? I am not good at anything, but decent at some things. I have tried many things such as sports, music, reading, video games. I just loose interest too quickly and everyone makes fun of me. I cant keep a normal conversation with a girl and I had only 1gf in my entire life (she left me for her ex). Im starting to get scared bc I dont know what to do after graduating high school (should I work, or study more, and If I do what?). My parents are really caring for me (have I mentioned that Im an only child and dont have brother or sister to rely on), but my mother is too imposing ( if thats the word). I know that they want the best for me and Im trying to be the best only son in the world, and it works but only for them. I am not the masculine big man, that girls want- I am just a small 13yrs looking boy who often people confuses as girl (and no, I AM NOT GAY OR SMTH). It just feels that Im noot good enough for anyone in this shitty world. I have a best friend who is an ""Alpha"" and cant understand my problem, because he have everything. I just want peace and love (is that so hard). I make myself goofy and clown to make people underastemate me, and I got to a pint where the things got out of control and became everyones toy. If you need any more things to hear you can always text me (I will be happy to find friends here) +Thx guys, and sorry for making you read all this mess coming straight from my head and emotions. I will be happy if you respond to this guys. See ya. + +Oh, and I almost forgot. I am not just 16yrs old with normal teen problems. I mean this s*it different from the others. See ya",Depression +47780,Does anyone have any advice on dealing with depression and chronic fatigue? I feel like I can’t do anything with my life because of how tired I am. I am meant to be completing my final year of university and I just don’t have the energy.,Depression +47781,need some help in Ramadan I am 26 M Muslim Who supposed to fast the holy month of Ramadan. I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety. How can I survive in this month ?,Depression +47782,"I have no place to call home I’m thinking of joining the marines or army at least then I’ll have a roof over my head and food in my tummy. Though I’m currently at a trade school program for those exact reasons but it sucks here, feels like high school. Death sounds so peaceful but I know I don’t got the guts to do shit. Fml",Depression +47783,"how do i get my personality back after depressive episodes ive been stuck in frequent episodes of just sadness and i think it killed my personality. i want to be witty minded again and actually have thoughts and be able to explain my thoughts that it doesn't sound so monotone or just bland. i don't know how to get it back and i try so hard and it doesn't work and i end up hating myself for it. i hate the way i speak and i think straightforward instead of being adventurous and i want who i used to be before i got sad. + +are there any ways of finding yourself again? i need ways of expressing myself and drilling into my head that i need to think before i speak.",Depression +47784,Worst day ever Today is off to such a shitty start and it’s only 10am. My boyfriend and I got in a huge fight and I couldn’t stop crying and the worst part was he didn’t even care and kicked me out of his house So I’m guessing we’re done because I will never forgive him for that. And my friend of 10 yrs who I thought was my friend just blocked me on everything with no explanation and to top it off it’s my exs birthday who’s died I feel like the universe hates me today and is reminding me I’ll always be alone. I knew I should’ve just stayed home yesterday.,Depression +47785,"feel like just living as an outcast yes its retarded, yes its not gonna fulfill anything, yes its probably gonna destroy my brain and make me even more lonely. i feel like doing it because there's just something real to it, a lot more real than living in a society because eventually everyone returns to the same mediocre state and after a long time, the same realization that there's to no true happiness and its just a constant chase",Depression +47786,"People who are suicidal have panic attacks ? Sorry, if this question is dumb. Most people who have panic attacks they fear the symptoms especially the heart palpitations and the feeling of near death. I wonder if the person is suicidal and doesn't fear death or tried killing themselves before will panic attack happen ?",Depression +47787,"something about cutting so, back when i was really depressed i cut myself. it felt good, it looked beautiful. but now when my mind is a bit cleared up, i find cutting awful. i just saw some pictures of cut wrists and god i feel nauseous. anyways have a good day",Depression +47788,"I am depressed I recently talked to a psychologist, i noticed that i needed help but it didn’t helped a lot. +I can’t eat even if sometimes i am hungry ( i don’t have any problems with my weight), i vomit like every day for no reason. +I have to wait like 3 hours to sleep just because my brain doesn’t stop talking for a second. +Nothing seems to go right these days, i tried everything but i can’t help myself even if i try. +It feels like my stomach is trying to expel my feelings outside. +I also broke up with my girlfriend cause we were both depressed af and we couldn’t help each others. +I feel like i can’t go any deepeer, can someone helps me to find out how can i survive to my self. +( sorry for my bad english)",Depression +47789,"nothing is good anymore I just exist. I'm 16, in my final year of high school, and I should be full of excitement for the life ahead of me, and I should feel motivated to work hard to achieve my dreams, and I should be enjoying life with my friends...yet here I am. useless. + +I haven't felt good about myself in what feels like years. I either hate myself, or I feel nothing at all. Things went downhill from the beginning of high school. My academics kept getting worse, and my extra curriculars didn't get much better. I haven't had a lasting relationship, and my longest friendship is on the verge of ruin because of my jealousy (my best friend is better than me in literally every single way). I am super unhealthy and lag behind pretty much everyone in my class when it comes to fitness. I can't even do basic daily things without screwing up, which just makes me feel more dumb. + +I have become a failure. I have failed my parents, and I have failed myself. There is nothing about me right now that I can be proud of, and I'm running out of time to turn things around. And even after being fully aware of the state that I'm in, I cant seem to get myself to do better. I'm simply watching my life pass me by. Now, I do not wish to end my life or hurt myself, but I wish there was a reset button. I wish I could start all over again. But that's just life I guess.",Depression +47790,Benzos stopping suicidal thoughts? So I’m having a severe episode and been having heavy suicidal thoughts and ideation. I’ve been prescribed Wellbutrin and lorazepam. I have noticed that the lorazepam even in the smallest dose stops the suicidal thoughts. Anyone can explain why that is?,Depression +47791,The worst pain False hope is my worst pain hating your appearance for 75% of the day looking in the mirror once and liking what you see only to realize you really are that ugly the hope completely destroys me actually expecting to like what you see and then being greeted with indescribable disappointment and total resentment to what you see almost comical,Depression +47792,"Idk what to do with myself Just as the title says, I really don't know what to do with myself. Both emotionally and day to day tasks. +I was laid off almost 2 months ago now and I find myself struggling to be/ wanting to be productive, I have no interest in doing anything, and just feeling abandoned on an island. Yes I know I'm struggling with depression, that's nothing new in my life. +My partner is the sole bread winner at the moment and I'm struggling with my value as a person and as his partner. He's very much an absent partner at this point. He plays his game every day all night (and the whole day on the weekends) to de-stress. He ""helps"" by doing possibly one task a day which is usually feeding the dog as I make dinner. I do everything else. I do all cleaning, shopping, cooking, administrative, and ect. I've had talks with him asking of him to do more and his defense is that he ""helps"" and it honestly pisses me off that he refuses to understand no matter how many ways I try to express to him I am struggling. He is a part of this household and I am not is caregiver. +Hes already not an affectionate kind of person. His version of cuddling is putting his arm on my lap for the maybe hour we spend together on the couch during dinner. And I except this about him. It just makes me feel even more removed from him when I'm struggling with my value. + +I'm out of lost as to what to do. I find myself paralyzed daily. I want to work out and lose weight, but I'm too ugly to be seen in public. I want to go out and make friends, but my nuero divergences tell me I'm too weird too. I want to work on a better career, and can't do a thing except stare at my courses. Everything I want requires steps and I can't bring myself to take them no matter how hard I push. + +I just needed a space to pretend that I am heard. I would love any tips if there are any out there with finding and solidifing your self worth. Thank you.",Depression +47793,"I hate my life It feels like I repeat the same day every day. I have to take on everyone’s problems. I wake up and I hate my life, I go to sleep hating my life. Hating myself, feeling useless. I want to just pick up and go and even though I understand my depression will follow I feel like I need the opportunity to be in a new environment to learn more about myself and how to cope with how I feel. The repetitiveness is driving me deeper into a dark hole and I feel like I won’t be able to get out. I want to just pick up and leave but my anxiety won’t let me, I need money, I need a way to get around. I have a life here even though I don’t even wanna be alive here. I just wanted to get this off my chest. When I tell the people around me I want to go back to my home country they tell me I’m crazy and that I shouldn’t.",Depression +47794,"My new job makes me want to be dead A couple weeks ago, I started a new job. + +I'm a 30yo male web dev, with only just over a year of working experience. + +My previous job was working for a guy building some side projects (mostly web3 based stuff), but we didn't run with any of them. + +Well, a few weeks ago he told myself and the 1 other dev he hired that he needs to focus on his primary business, since that's keeping him too busy to really get stuck into anything with us. + +It's understandable and he was even awesome enough to hook us both up with jobs at a another startup. + +At first I was pretty excited, since this startup is also web3 based and most of my knowledge and skills involve blockchain tech. + +Well, as it turns out they're primarily making use of the MEAN stack (more specifically Ionic) and up until a few weeks ago, I had 0 experience with that stack. + +My experience is primarily writing smart contracts with Solidity and I would say I'm probably even above average, when it comes to it. + +I also have a little experience when it comes to React/Next and Nest.js + +Unfortunately for me, even though they're a web3 company, they don't need much in the way of smart contracts, and what they do need is a full stack MEAN dev... + +I've felt like a fish out of water recently, but I've been trying my best. + +For the past, nearly a month, I've been spending 70+ hours a week working and studying. + +I'm pretty much either learning the tech, working, going to the gym here and there or sleeping. + +I still feel like I haven't learned enough fast enough though and I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose this job... + +If I do, I don't know what I'm going to do and that scares me and seriously gets me down. + +I've seriously even thought about ending it all, if I lose this job. + +Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest and if anyone has any advice or guidance, I'm open to anything. + +Thanks.",Depression +47795,"Depression from stress? Hi. I’m a med school student who doesn’t know how they’re feeling. I don’t know if I’ve been feeling this way for so long because of my bad grades, which I heavily suspect but something just feels off. Like it’s not the whole picture. + +Waking up every morning and getting things done are hard. If I didn’t have classes to go to, I would not move out of bed at all. Getting dressed and brushing my teeth are such a huge effort that it takes so long to get done. I feel neutral or sad almost all the time, like I forgot what feeling happiness is. Watching videos or listening to music would help sometimes, but I don’t find any fun in them anymore. I’ve mostly withdrawn from talking to my friends who don’t know but they don’t suspect anything yet. + +I frequently wish I wasn’t alive by thoughts and urges but have not acted on it. Like not wanting to live but not wanting to die. I don’t know what I’m going through or if it’s all just a byproduct of stress and failure. Online tests and the DSM-5 all point to depression but my mind says I’m faking it. + +I have friends who listen, and my brother who knows about it. They all asked me to get help but I don’t know if I warrant it. Sorry if it’s a messy block of text, my thoughts are spilling as I type this. Thank you.",Depression +47796,"I’m losing everything around me. I’ve been struggling with depression for a few years now, particularly when my mom passed 2 years ago. Yet this month has been brutal. I lost my dream job after 10 years there due to budget cuts. I know that I was one of the top performers there, but obviously that wasn’t visible to the person making that decision… Also this week my romantic partner whom I am completely in love with told me she isn’t interested in me anymore… I don’t understand why, but I’m also not surprised. I was reaching WAY above my station with her, so I always knew she would move on eventually, but it still broke my heart. I feel abandoned and alone… +Then on top of that, I constantly feel like a failure and a disappointment to the people who do love me. And like I’m a poison, slowly eating away at those around me and destroying my relationships. +I hate myself so much… I remember when I used to be happy, when I used to be confident, but that seems impossible these days…",Depression +47797,"I really want to hear from other individuals that are trying to make baby steps towards beating depression i woul love to hear your rexperiences and methdos are the mot effective to release some of the energY/anxiety that has arised frim my depression. + +Some of theses symptoms are: low tolerance to fail + +unable to feel joy that can last lomger than 10 minues + +social isolation + +Ihave descontrolled bullima and i have stolen from other people's food + +All thius is so siu¡dustung. I am feeling so narcissistic . My depressuion wilkl roiune my relation",Depression +47798,"Can someone please help? What do you y’all do when waiting for a therapist on waitlist? Or when therapy is not working? + +I am hanging on by a thread and can’t find a good therapist. I have been at this going on 2 yrs. I have been optimistic and from what I found out therapy doesn’t really work and I have gotten the same feedback from other ppl. Despite hearing that I have went into therapy myself and experienced the similar things. + +I am getting no where and have actually developed new problems since going to therapy.",Depression +47799,"Venting about childhood Alright I have to get this out, basically my mother had gaslit me for a long time, taking control over my life and emotionally abusing me by always blaming me for everything and getting my father on her side so that he would blindly support her. This went on for multiple years and stopped at some point (as far as I know, Idk if I have just gitten blind to it) it was not too long after all of it that she started saying that she could not remember any of it, this has gotten to a point that I even started questioning my own memory of my childhood. I often find myself questioning if I remember something right just because of this and I can't really get myself to trust her 100% even getting scared of her sometimes that she might do something to me. + +I also remember wanting to jump out the window at like age 10, the intend was there but I think it was also to see if my mother cared. I ended up not doing it because her reaction was just nothing, I didn't expect her to just not care at all. + +I also had a lot of pressure due to my grades being very bad, I at one point got even worse grades due to me trying to escape into my fantasy, that did go on for about 2 years, therapy could have helped but no one thought of that. My grades eventually got better and I graduated and am now at university. + +I'm currently trying to get therapy and hopefully come to terms with everything in atleast some way.",Depression +47800,"tired what is your reaction when people vent or tell their pathetic and sad life to you ? + +like for example : they live in the street or whatever and they ask you what u would do if that was you and you’re so weak that you’re already laughing at how QUICKLY you would’ve kys in this situation ?? 😂 like you don’t even do it on purpose but u laugh because your life is objectively so much less tragic but you’re kinda like « bro I could nevaaaaah 😭💅 »… + +bc i feel like this 100% of the time, i can’t do the easiest thing ? like just go out and study for more than 2 months without encountering situations that just proves me i don’t belong in this society/world ? + +i’m so so so tired but there’s a fucking thing that just tolds me i don’t deserve to die but i mean that’s a lie, everyone deserves it, especially me… + +idk what to do to not suffer and not kms ? i don’t like anything anymore , i’ve been thinking the same thing since i’m 15, i don’t have a passion, don’t have a purpose, and i’m fucking angry with everyone… + +i’m actually really jealous of people getting out of depression… because that’s what shows they’re normal ppl that are getting sad when something v sad happens to them. + +it’s not my case, i don’t like this world and i don’t wanna live in it. + +idk it makes me sick to see ppl wake up everyday to do things i will never ever want to do in my life.??? + +like wtf you obtain by watching sunsets and walking and just wake up everyday ? it’s boring…. there’s no purpose wtf i’m so pissed rn…. + +sometimes i even picture myself in if i would have lived the same way as my parents and I KNOW I WOULD KILL MYSELF INSTANTLY. + +i don’t picture myself to be happy, ever. + +i even have a boyfriend for 3 years now and i’m even more sad. + +the only thing that makes my life a little better is drugs music porn alcohol and sex (and since i have a boyfriend sex is so boring and even now that we are in a open relationship i don’t even have the motivation to see people) + +i used to live for flirting with guys before, i really had nothing else that made me feel good… + +now idk… i just feel like a depressive person going through a depression ?sometimes i can’t even get out of bed to roll a joint bc i have no strength… + +i dropped out of school a lot and i have nothing to offer to this word (officially, bc unofficially i know i’m smart, i know how to help people, i could have made myself useful but 1) ppl don’t let me show them, bc i have no diplomas or anything to show them my worth 2) even tho ppl want me somewhere i end up burn out int and disappearing bc deep down i don’t wanna live this life. PERIOD) + +also i have a very strong sense of value and i find so fucking pathetic the fact that anyone can just THINK they’re smart and could be useful while being actually just a loser all their life. + +as an example my boyfriend which is even dumber than me is always thinking he can be rich and can enter any school (thanks to me he knows he set his expectations too high) but he believes he can get rich af without KNOWING A SINGLE NOTION IN FINANCE OR BUSINESS COURSES ??? (he doesn’t even have a GED equivalent at 22 and their friends and even parents says « thinking is not his specialty ») + +like wtf that’s why i’m also so mad at him, bc he’s disposed to be a loser but unlike me he’s happy like a fucking moron ??? + +idk that’s just too much, now he wants to go live abroad. AND GUESS WHAT. +that stupid moron never ever thought about that in his entire life so he doesn’t know any other cultures or languages except our (french) and he still thinks he can get a job in a country like Singapore Canada Switzerland The US ?????!!!! + +anyway he’s a pure reflection of how much my life is a disaster. + +mentally he is the opposite of what i’ve ever wanted and supported ? + +even politically he’s just following the trends, he believes what anybody says as long as it’s in a video…. + +anyway i wanna die but i don’t even hate him enough to do that to him. + +i feel pity for him but i’m the one who’s sad wtf",Depression +47801,"Does anyone else feel the same? Just last year I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression, I was given antidepressants but I hated how I physically feel after taking it. +It made me feel worse (dizziness and nausea are just a few). I was asked to go back see the doctor January 3 but I didn’t want to. + +This time I promised myself 2023 will be better year as 2022 was a shitshow for me. + +I wanted to get and feel better. I worked out a lot, did a lot of fun things, enjoyed old and new hobbies. But then at some point when all of the things I do are done I’m back at the pit of despair. + +Sometimes I go out to new places and document everything, enjoyed a lot of alone times because yeah it was fun but most of it was the reason of “I don’t know until when my life will be” + +I do feel shit, I have so much to be grateful for and I feel guilty to feel this way. But unfortunately I do. + +I have to distract myself to avoid killing myself, how fun is that? Lol +I used to enjoy my alone and quiet time, now I still do but quiet?idk, sometimes I’m now I’m afraid of my own thoughts. + +Tonight I laid down the floor, looked at the whole size mirror and stared at myself as if I was a dead person with open eyes. It felt so real, it feels like I am seeing the body in the mirror but I don’t actually see myself, it feels like my soul left hahaha idk if it makes sense. + +So many things to be grateful for but I just feel so empty, so tired I just wanna rest. It’s funny how I also start singing Sza’s song kill bill but I changed the lyrics to “ I just killed myself, not the best idea” + +I wish it was that easy to snap back be okay again, genuinely okay but nope, it doesn’t work that way tho. So yeah, I just wanna let it out here. I really barely don’t open up to people even my family and friends about my problems yet alone my depression, I just don’t think they’d understand and also I know they have so much on their shoulders I don’t wanna add up. + +Oh yeah, check ur friends who are happy and as if all is well, it might be just sort of a mask, and do check urself too. + +But really, I feel a little better letting it out here tho, I think 🙂",Depression +47802,"I wrote something from the perspective of my mother My son is dead, I wail into the void that was the crowd of people. The echo rummaging through their dead bodies. I grap my hair, ripping it as hard as I can to make the thundering pain in my mind cease for just a moment. I look up and run to the door to find a room I fit in, but I do not fit in my body. It is attached deep in my mind, inescapable. I want it to disappear. Please. Just make it stop, I can not bear it. It cuts my heart, the very fabric of the person that I am in half. I break into a thousand pieces, only for every piece to break into a thousand peices, again and again. There is nothing. I wake up, reminded from that moment to the moment I sleep. I hurt myself by remembering him, but forgetting him is worse. Weeks go by, how can I live with this pain. Every day. Every day I think of joining him. But how could I do this to his sisters? I have been trapped in my life with no way out, but to endure this unimaginable, indescripable, relentless, constant real pain. My dreams are nightmares, but at least I see him there. How can I let go? How can I let go of my baby? Please I just want him back. I just want to tell him how much I love him, how much he meant to me. To take back all the bad things I did and give him all the good things. I just need see him once more. Please. Please just let me see him. I wake up. Sleep is the only place I find solace. Torturous solace. Every one moves on, but how could they? I lost my world. Every part of me aches for completeness I never knew I needed. I stand up, putting on the uniform that tells me I am part okay. Okay enough to live on. But it is a clowns costume and I sewed it myself. And I look around, and people give me their well meaning words, and remind me of the real world. Its ridicolous roles I have to get back to playing. Why would I care about this utterly meaningless drivel? I want my son back. Please, I can not go on. Please, it hurts so much. + +&#x200B; + +Excuse the sloppy writing",Depression +47803,"How do I make myself cry? I really want to cry. I want to sob for an hour until my head hurts. But honestly, at this point I'm not able to. I feel awful and shitty but I cannot let it out. I want to cry and scream but I can't do it without faking it like those cringe youtubers that yell and fake being scared when playing video games + + +And when searching for sad videos to make myself cry all of them are cringe boomer shit with stock violin and ""this is so sad like if you agree!"" titles which completely distracts me and makes me want to turn it off",Depression +47804,15m i started smoking cigarettes now because it makes me feel good Im really trying to quit im smoking my last cigarette today i started smoking because of my depression and i just didnt care if i died but now i really wanna quit smoking help please,Depression +47805,Should I go back to the hospital I have a noose in my room,Depression +47806,"I don’t know how to unpack it all at this point I’m a 22M, raised in a close knit semi-strict religion, only surrounded by that community. I had a rough childhood with mentally ill parents. + +I left and traveled around the world at 18 and developed some PTSD from a few situations. + +I came back, got involved with a very toxic deceptive woman, (she had untreated BPD), and this got me outcasted from my religion, which meant all of my friends and family. Then her and I broke up the same week, and I ended up homeless for 6 months, isolated. + +Many more situations continued to disturb my life and traumatize me, but now I’m no longer in a toxic relationship, but my depression is so bad I don’t even have thoughts in my head anymore- only rumination or flashbacks. I don’t know how to socialize. I still never hear from my family or all of my old friends anymore. + +Only now have I been able to begin starting over after losing my whole support system, and I don’t even know where to start. I’m scarred from all relationships, my mood swings, anxiety, and social issues are all over the board. + +I don’t know where to even start.",Depression +47807,I hit 6 months Turns out I reached 6 months without sh a few days ago and didn't even notice. That's the longest I've been clean in almost 2 years and usually I would feel proud like I do every milestone but I just feel like shit. I can feel myself getting worse again and it's just getting too hard to resist the urge. My anxiety has been through the roof lately which really doesn't help. I can't talk to any of my friends or family because I just feel comfortable and honestly I just feel so alone in the world. I have so many things I wanna do and so many reasons to keep on going yet they just don't feel like enough lately. I thought this year things would be better and if things got bad again I would just force myseld to be happy. Turns out that itself can make you go down a downwards spiral. Life ain't great now so anyone got any advice? I could really use it.,Depression +47808,"I kind of like it? I guess a little backstory for me: I (18) was diagnosed with depression (and ADHD if that’s at all relevant) a year or two back and have been medicated on and off since… + +but no matter if i’m medicated or not I can’t help but WANT to sleep all the time. Like I’m not always that tired, but sometimes i’ll get a very slight wave of drowsiness and take that as an opportunity to just cozy up in my bed and lay down. I don’t go on my phone laying in my bed. I just lay there. sometimes I’ll lay there with my eyes closed for a few minutes.. on and off I’ll suddenly feel a little more awake but be too comfortable to want to get up, or feel so slightly tired that I wanna just lay down and ‘fix it’ + +But I kind of like it? Like I know that if I tell people I want to sleep all day they’ll often just say it’s depression and that I ‘don’t want to exist’ or something like that.. I want to exist.. I just only ever feel so slightly motivated for 2-3hr at a time. and I live with my mother so i don’t have much real reason to get out and do anything because she seems completely fine with supporting me (which I still often feel bad about still depending on her). And small triumphs like doing my laundry or cleaning my room can’t be it. I’m supposed to be an adult. I’m supposed to have a job. I’m supposed to have any kind of relationship with people. I don’t even have my license. + +I don’t even know what to call this.. asking for advice? rant? doubting my own depression? either way I think I liked examining how i’m feeling a little bit",Depression +47809,"i feel selfish for wanting to have support this feels like such a cycle, going to classes and trying not to break down in public as im constantly being asked to help those around me. my friends are constantly expecting me to be their therapists or sholder to cry on while im stuck here trying to at least say how im feeling yet getting ignored or overshadowed. its like im supposed to just be there for everyone else yet ill be ignored when i need help back. the last time i tried to vent out my feelings my friend made it about themselves. it feels like im drowning while helping everyone else up and they push me deeper in the water as i get them to the surface + +&#x200B; + +i know at this point none of them would miss me if im gone i dont even know why im alive and i dont know why i help them but i feel selfish not being there for my friends even if they wont help me. every night it feels im on the verge of wanting to kill myself and i just look at my phone and wish i could talk to someone yet i just know no one would listen. i feel alone",Depression +47810,"Learnt something new... Did u know? #idecisive Is being indecisive a symptom of depression: Yes. In fact, trouble making decisions is one of the most common psychological symptoms of depression. Other depression symptoms — such as difficulty concentrating and lack of motivation — can make decision-making even harder. + +I did not know this, as I can be #indecisive quiet a bit when I think about it, but I only thought to look it up yesterday when I mentioned I was to a friend... + +I can be indecisive due to changing my mind about (going for a drink 🙈) + +Then decided to look up what it really meant and was surprised to see it relates to people who suffer from depression. Interesting!!! + +Are you someone who suffers from Depression and is indecisive?",Depression +47811,"Why can’t I be above average at 1 (one) thing? (cw:mentions of ED) + +My grades are average. At school I was better than others at languages and took part in olympiads, but now that I’m in uni, I just suck at everything. You can tell me grades don’t mean shit and how some smart and talented people didn’t do well in terms of academic performance. + +So what? I’m not one of them by any means. I’m not good at scientific research in my field, either. They say, some people naturally think like scientists. They ask the right questions, challenge ideas without taking them for granted etc. I’m not capable of that. + +I’ve had an ED which allowed me to have an extremely low BMI so for some time I felt like I’m better than others at least at something. I was dumb enough to try recovery and now I’m technically not even underweight. + +I had hobbies like chess and drawing but I don’t have enough motivation to do them regularly, and anyway it would probably take years for me to become just ""good"" at it. + +There are no other areas in my life where I could better than average. This is it. You could tell me being above average should not be that important anyway. It’s totally fine if it’s not for others, but for me it would mean a lot. I would feel like my existence isn’t absolutely pointless. I can’t just live and try to enjoy stuff. + +Thanks for reading this.",Depression +47812,"Literally can't find purpose in life My life is alright, but I'm very depressed all the time, panic attacks, suicidal. I feel that nothing in life matters and that life is some weird thing I can't relate to. I only live for sex, gambling and money, however, those things don't even bring me happiness. I can't do relationships. I push people away unintentionally and hurt them emotionally. Every. Damn. Time. I wish I could give a fuck about life, but I can't. Why am I still here? I suppose this is a rant, I just wanted to talk to someone, haven't really done that in a while. I'm thinking about doing some dumb shit like live 10 more years, save every penny, then bet on red on roulette. If it hits, cool, I'll double down, if not, who cares. I've felt no attachment to anything or anyone recently. I'm applying for a job this week, had a job before, had some savings, I just gambled $1k, ate a steak dinner, and burned the rest (only had like $9k). There was no turning point in my life where I suddenly didn't care about anything. Since I was a little kid I can always remember having schizophrenic episodes but was discredited as I was just a ""dumb kid"". I would always see shadow people and be irrationally scared of the dark, and I would see monsters and just scream and cry silently. All the way until I was 14. Then I stopped paying attention to it and just realized if I didn't care then it doesn't matter. I had a girlfriend once. I was with her for a week, we fucked once, we went for 5 hours, I just got up and left at one point. Never talked to her again. Hate my family, but I'd do anything for them. I hate religion, I hate politics, I hate material things, I hate people, I hate consciousness, I hate breathing, I hate thinking, I hate eating, I hate sleeping. I hate life. I can so easily be anything I want in life that it becomes obsolete to try to live. Life is just creating problems and then finding the solution, endlessly. Refused to take medication because why would I want to feel a way that I don't? Not going to trick myself into wanting to live, that's stupid. +What is life and why do we exist?",Depression +47813,"My life is just empty af 23M. I’ve never been a super social guy. I’ve always been shy, chronic low-grade depression, etc., and it hasn’t been conducive to making friends. + + +I had one irl friend who I met at a job four years ago. We were hanging out more frequently and getting closer at the start of this year, but I found out something so fucked up about him a month and a half ago that I was pretty much forced to completely stop talking to him. + + +I had one online friend, and I was very close with her for two years. She completely moved on from me a few weeks ago, and she made it clear to me a few weeks ago that I was useful for a certain time in her life, but now I’m not useful to her anymore, so she’s moved on with new irl friends who she just recently met. + + +After over a year of applying and interviewing, I got an office job in November of 2022. I was getting a lot of positive feedback, wasn’t screwing up any tasks, etc., but I was suddenly fired without a clear reason two weeks ago. I don’t have enough experience to reliably know if I’ll be able to get another job in the same field. + + +I don’t have a job. I have literally no one to talk to, not even just an acquaintance or cousin. I don’t talk to anyone from any of the schools I went to, no one from any of the jobs I’ve had, and none of my extended family (family drama from a decade ago screwed everything up). My parents turned into raging alcoholics six years ago, so I mostly avoid them. I tried making friends at the most recent job I had, but I don’t think any of them really liked me, tbh. My family used to have family friends who would visit, and we would just do different things together in general, but we don’t do shit since they became raging alcoholics. + + +Idek if it’s possible to recover from this level of isolation. There’s literally nothing in my life. I’ve went through almost 24 years of life, and I somehow don’t even have a single acquaintance to show for it, not a single person to talk to or who genuinely cares about me.",Depression +47814,"Advice for a future college student As of now im (17f) in the last weeks of my senior year of high school. This time last year, my junior year, I started my first antidepressant: Prozac. That shit made me crazy; I hallucinated, attempted to crash my car, and almost ran away. Now, i’m on Lexapro on a high dosage and i just feel the same as I did without being on antidepressants. My dad originally told me that exercise would help but now im playing varsity softball and only feel good while im playing. when I stop my contention fades. I just feel like i’m moving throughout life with no purpose. My parents keep asking me about college. I got into four of the eleven colleges I applied to. I dont’ have good grades and dont have any motivation to fix it. I’m worried I wont be able to graduate and yet my parents still tell me “to be more productive” and “try harder.” I dont want to waste my parents money and fail out of university if I end up attending. I also feel kind of embarrassed, and I know I shouldn’t, to go to community college. People have told me that community college students are “weird” and “embarrassing.” I know thats not true and theres so many benefits of attending community college. I think i just need to stop listening to people but its easier said than done i guess.",Depression +47815,"I feel bad for being this depressed Honestly, I've been faking being ""ok"" for a while. + +I've been in some low places but this is in the top three for the lowest points I've had. My youngest sibling died by suicide in November of 2022. So I do realize the pain suicide causes but damn when you get into that place, it's neat impossible to get out of. + +I have plenty of things to keep me going. Like my nieces and nephews. I do want to watch them grow up, and be a guide for them, but I really am struggling with not wanting to exist anymore. The antidepressants I'm on aren't working. My doctor is *very* aware they aren't, given she knows I've had dreams of suicide recently. Yet my medications just got added on to. I'm just tired. I want to give up. Even though I know I shouldn't.",Depression +47816,"I can’t stop crying tonight. It’s both cathartic and kind of annoying. There’s really not a tangible reason for it. I’m not upset about any one thing. It’s more just a general feeling of frustration at myself, I guess. It doesn’t help that my stomach was bothering me all night even after I took the medicine that usually helps that. I don’t know. It’s just annoying.",Depression +47817,"My 19 year old brother has depression. Background - My brother is much younger to me and the youngest of four siblings. He has been dealing with depression and IBS since the age of 15. He is also suicidal when it gets worse. He is on psychiatric medications. We are a very dysfunctional family where my father turns everyone's life into hell to the extent possible. My mother has severe depression too. + +Current situation - So after two years of treatment my brother isn't getting any better. There are periods when he does fine but then relapses into depression. His IBS also gets worse and it bothers him a lot. He is in general very introverted and doesn't let anyone know what he is feeling except for occassional aggressive outburst where he is extremely angry and out of control for usual problems like his IBS. +My father is currently using financial abuse to torture my mother and brother who are financially dependent on him. But I am stepping up to help my brother financially and I tried counseling him and assuring him that I will take care of him no matter what. +But his condition is not improving. He said he feels terrible that he is not able to be normal and do normal activities like going to college regularly or making friends etc. I told him that everyone's normal is different and he should work as per what feels good to him. That day he was fine for sometime but again withdrew to his room where he stays in complete darkness the entire time. It's been 5-6 days now. I have fixed a new psychiatrist's appointment for him and he agreed. But I want to know what else can I do in this situation. I want him to be fine and happy but nothing seems to work and he is 19 so we can't force him to do anything. Should I just let him take charge of his life and hope for him to get better? Or is there something more that I can do? No one else in our family is bothered or emotionally attached to him so it's just me. +All advice would be helpful. Thanks!!",Depression +47818,"No, seriously. WHAT am I supposed to do with my life? This is probably just a carbon copy of many posts on here, but my situation is as follows: + +\- khhv, no friends and no good ties to my family + +\- my only ""interests"" are video games and anime, the former of which isn't even fun, i just rage all the time and hate myself after playing basically ANY game + +\- generally disliked by many people because of my toxic personality + +\- EOTL minimum wage retailer where i don't do a good job, i'm too slow at everything i do and can't do more than half days due to being unable to be around other people too much + +\- absolutely not interested in picking up any hobbies or learning any skills, there's nothing i would even keep the dedication for since i give up everything i do in life + +\- tried therapy and it did absolutely nothing + +I think this is what one would call being ""done"" with life. But maybe someone has an idea. Idk.",Depression +47819,"I feel utterly lost and purposeless Just like the title said, I feel completely lost on what my objective is in life. I recently graduated and I still can’t find a job anywhere and I feel like I have no one. Does anyone else feel completely lost in life? Like you don’t know what’s the point in any of this?",Depression +47820,"Now my parents think it’s my fault Of course my mom thinks I don’t want to go because I’m faking it. I really wish everything was over, and I’m not telling this to my therapist because she would just tell my parents and they’d just be more disappointed.",Depression +47821,"Getting up to get better I've been falling into a massive pit of dispair. I can't take meds for it because it counteracts other diagnosis. I have a therapy appointment on Monday I'm skeptical about going to for judgement. Im terrified of leaving the house and speaking to people just someone looking at me is enough to trigger a panic attack I've even been avoiding my housemates as much as possible. I talk to people online but I feel like I'm going crazy. Ive tried to stop myself from suicide 3 times in the last two weeks. Theirs no other help other than this free place I reluctantly arranged to go to. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and paranoia. When people speak to me or look at me or breathe near me I wanna disappear as fast as possible. I'm thinking of wearing a mask and sunglasses to walk to the appointment on Monday so no one can recognize me or try to talk to me. Because people seeing me is my biggest issue. I don't understand why. But it's seriously affecting me I haven't left the house in many days. Barely been able to shower, brush my teeth, cook and working is just as hard but the only thing I've managed. Now the level of my paranoia is affecting my work. I wish I could just snap out of it. I want to clean up and exercise and stuff but I can't get out of bed.",Depression +47822,"I feel guilty for existing around others because of my depression. I have always struggled with depression but things got worse for me once entering and eventually leaving an abusive romantic relationship in high school. I have struggled to cope with the abuse I faced. I have also struggled with letting people in because of my distrust. As my depression increased, my friends became “uncomfortable” around me saying I “bring down the vibes”. They stopped inviting me to things, texting me, and calling. My brother told me that he would cut me off if I continued to live life as I am. Now I am a sophomore in college and I have lost majority of the people around me because I don’t know which is better for others: to stay in their lives even tho it hurts them when I’m around or cut off contact with those around me even if they claim they want me around. I’m barely existing at this point.",Depression +47823,"Why are people okay with letting me live in agony My mom is about to send me to a mental hospital again and some of the nurses where mentally abusive toward me. I'm seriously just gonna live out the rest of my fucking life in a mental hospital and there is nothing I can do about it + +Why can't they just let me die in peace? +I won't contribute to society in the slightest, I'm a waste of space. It would be beneficial to everyone if I just died already",Depression +47824,"Too much expectation Im soooo exhausted of dealing with other people’s expectations of me 🥱 like no suuuusan i wont write a 10 page essay on Tesco, i dont even know how to structure it and even whennnn i have a clue my brain forgets a certain word so i spend 20 minutes trying to figure out which word it was or i disassociate 🥰 wish I didnt exist! Yippie! I love it honestly! Oh and how if my parents get divorced its my (?) fault because I watched a movie with my dad! 🤩 or i cant even ask for food that *isnt* instant noodles or toast. (Likeeee I definitely haven’t been surviving off that the last year and a half) oh? Whats it? Your self esteem is so low that you feel hideous and want to hide at home? noooo wayyy! Could *not* be me rn. Or have a lack of motivation/will.",Depression +47825,OK THATS IT How are any of you unbelievable liars able to say you care with a straight face? Idc anymore apparently every word is a lie im going to bed,Depression +47826,I have no definable skillset. I am bad at things I was once good at. I have no definable skillset. I am bad at things I was once good at. I feel I might lose my job. I already cannot afford treatment. I just tell myself that things will get better. But I am powerless. I cannot affect change. Help,Depression +47827,"brain fog 24/7 Can't think about what to say, don't know what to do with life, nothing makes sense, always questioning existence ""why was I made, to work?"" and why can't I exit this body, who created pain, why is he creating all this and what does he want, who is god. i can't even type what I wanted to say here, i wish i can explain how my brain functions, I definitely know something is wrong with it. can't help but just be here conscious and let things happen and the sad part is I have to see it through this body and take all the blame, feel starvation.. argh wish I can explain. what am I here for.... just writing down my thoughts here in case anyone feels the same.",Depression +47828,"I feel like I don’t matter anymore These last few years my depression has only gotten worse, no matter what I try. My fiancée snaps at me when I try to make sure she isn’t going to hurt herself, my PTSD flares up every time something goes wrong. I don’t feel like I can work anymore but I have to because I have to look after my fiancée who’s got BPD and bring in the money to afford food and rent. + +I don’t feel like I can look after myself. Insomnia has been a bitch for me for years, it’s only gotten worse in the last year. I like to maintain I’m doing well, but honestly I almost took some pills last night and locked myself in the bathroom. I don’t want to be here anymore. But I don’t feel like I can talk about it, because my partner always has something for their own on when I’m feeling low. + +I just bottle, I guess. I want to talk, I see a therapist, but, all the progress I make feels like it get reversed constantly. I haven’t felt this low in years and it’s hard to maintain a ‘it’ll get better’ outlook like this. When? When will this get better? + +I’ve been bullied at work, punished for my disability at work, I’ve suffered through a narcissistic abusive mother and a father who just stood idly by. I’ve had an ex SA me and cheat on me. I’ve had friends lie and manipulate me, taking advantage of me. I don’t have a single family member I can trust anymore. + +The only thing keeping me going is my dog, he’s only 11 months. I love him so much. I never want to lose him. + +The desire to leave and go to work and never come back is so strong. It’s so, so overpowering that I feel like shaking. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want my PTSD to flare up every time something goes wrong, I don’t want my depression to spiral in turn, I just want to be healthy again. I miss the competent me. + +My fiancée has a lot going on, I always understand that. I just sometimes don’t feel like the same empathy I give her for her conditions gets extended to me…I feel like I’m just here for her. Outside of that, I just kinda float in existence. + +I always used to joke that my name means happy or lucky, but I haven’t felt it once. I’m very unlucky. Happiness is so difficult for me to get. I’m tired. + +I will try to stay around. I always have done. I’ve survived all my worst days so far, right? That what I say. I just wanted to vent and someone understand me for once.",Depression +47829,I’m asymmetrical with a bad jaw and a weird hairline I’m so ugly. I want to kill myself.,Depression +47830,"My life is a mess My life is a mess. Everything is messed up. My dad is cheating on my mom, i feel like my friends dont care abt me they don't care, they make fun of me alot, my relationship with my girlfriend has declined nd were almost at the brink of breaking up. I dont feel anything now. Im almost emotionless. Life is just shit. I might just end it all.",Depression +47831,"need help soon I am looking for help or for someone to talk to. Things have been bad for me lately, but I am finding myself planning my suicide and thinking about it more and more often. Things are only getting worse and I'm feeling hopeless. I don't have money or insurance to admit myself to a hospital, or to even see a therapist. I've thought about using online therapy. I'm against the idea of it, I don't want to do it over the screen, but it looks like my only option. I don't have any money at all, I don't think I can even afford something like BetterHelp. Does anyone have any advice?",Depression +47832,"Is it okay to give up? To realise that there’s no point in fighting anymore because the hope you’ve been trying to hang onto doesn’t actually exist anymore… there must be a point where it is actually okay to give up. When you’ve tried so hard to continue for so many years and nothing has ever changed for the better, is it now okay for me to quit now? + +I can’t do it anymore, the ups, the downs and the lower than downs, it’s just not worth it. People will understand, won’t they? The train of life arrives at different stations everyday, I think this is where I get off. 🖤",Depression +47833,"I've been in a state of derealization for 4 years I haven't felt like any thing in my life has been real since a very difficult thing and year of absolute he'll in my life. Everything moves fast and I only feel seconds of gratification. I almost never know what's going on anymore my brain feels like a jumbled mess of thoughts, wants, needs. I don't know who I am anymore because I act out in unpredictable ways. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and have been taking my medication, but I absolutely feel nothing except immense sadness or pain. I can't really make meaningful changes in my behavior because any sort of order makes me uncomfortable and anxious so I return back to this chaotic state. Things move to quickly and I feel like I'm swimming within my body. +This has been going on for 4 years and all my medical health professionals are aware of this and are unsure how to treat it. + + +Anyone else feel the same way?",Depression +47834,"I have stopped enjoying my favorite foods After losing all of my hobbies and interests, I also stopped liking all the food I used to love. + +I still eat, it's not that I'm not hungry. I just don't enjoy eating anymore, not even great food, and it's really weird and depressing. + +Does anyone have the same issue?",Depression +47835,"Rumination - Tips Hi there, + +do you have any tips how to deal with rumination? I know that trying to suppress it is counterproductive. I've decided to try to distract myself during the next episodes by playing scrabble on my phone because it needs some thinking while going for a walk or cleaning the shower allows for rumination during the activity. + +Thank you very much in advance",Depression +47836,"Feeling hopeless Just came here to write down my feelings. I have a fragile mental state, and am not good with sharing my feelings with my friends or family. I think people would generally describe me as someone with a sense of humour and as having good spirits. I am able to joke and laugh, tell people I am feeling great. But I have a dark side that nobody knows because I don't want to share, as I don't want to be a burden. Usually I am able to keep the feelings away, maintain the facade and stay strong and reasonably happy. But recently, things have not been going well for me, and I think what little resilience I had got washed away. + +It is becoming hard for me to stay positive, because I feel so numb inside. I am becoming less motivated to do things that I enjoyed only a couple weeks ago. I don't want to socialise anymore. I have work piling up to the point that I am completely overwhelmed, but don't feel sharp enough or motivated enough to make a start to it. I was drifting between two friend groups, and lost one of them because I decided to prioritise the other. I feel disconnected from my family and friends, mainly because they are currently so far away. I have a bad relationship with my father, who I feel like does not care for me anymore after he started a new family. I hate the way I act, and am consumed by guilt and embarrassment when I think about my words or actions. A romantic situation I was involved with for only a month imploded, and I can't stop blaming myself, can't stop thinking about it or fully letting go. I have never handled rejection very well, and I have thought that maybe, the rejection that I received from her is the shock that caused me to crumble. + + I seriously don't know what to do anymore, and I do seems to sink me deeper into this hole that I have fallen into, unable to see any escape. Days pass like crazy, and I feel as though I am insulated, unable to feel anything but numbness. I have never sought professional help, and as an exchange student far away from home, I don't know how available that would be. Maybe someone can relate to what I am going through, and give me some advice. If you made it all the way down here, thanks for giving me your attention.",Depression +47837,"I have no friends or boyfriend I'm 23f and I have no one. I only have like 1 friend irl but she's a shitty friend, I don't bother to put in the effort with her anymore. I dont have anyone in my life apart from my immediate family. I wish I had friends, everyone can tell that I don't have any. I'm the one who ended all of my friendships except one of them, because they were fake, untrustworthy and other reasons. I dont know what's wrong with me not to have any, everyone can tell I dont have friends. And forget even having a boyfriend. I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. Everyone says if you don't have any friends, or if friendships keep ending then you must be the problem, I feel like that's not the case with me. I can't seem to think of anything I'm doing wrong and feel like im a good friend. I'm introverted but social when i need to be and am starting to be more outgoing. + +Granted, a lot of my friendships ended like 6 years ago when we were teens so it might not count, and some just naturally drifted because of life. But I haven't even made any new ones. How pathetic. I have nothing to look forward to in my future. No husband, no kids, no one to come to my birthday or be my bridesmaids. No one to even get dinner with. I'm tired of being alone. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm in the prime of my life and I'm at home 24/7 either studying, with my pets, gaming or at the gym. + +Please don't give me tips about how to make friends, I promise it won't work.",Depression +47838,"I’m only at peace when slumber is reached, so perhaps if I flee, I’d finally happen to be free. Is eternal slumber the key? Little suicidal poem to express myself since I’m an anxious depressed wreck questioning if living is worth it. + + + + +If you don’t get it it’s basically: + +”I’m only at peace when slumber is reached” -I’m only at peace when sleeping. + +”So perhaps if I flee, I’d finally happen to be free” -If I killed myself, maybe I’d finally be free and be at peace 24/7. + +”Is eternal slumber the key?” -Is death the solution to my problems? + +&#x200B; + +I don’t know if I should elaborate on my problems or not, I doubt anyone would care enough to read all of them and in the end, getting told that someone is sorry for what happened to me doesn’t really do much, I appreciate the words none the less but I don’t think anything will ever make me feel better. I’ve gotten into this hole of depression and anxiety over and over and over, it never stops, it’ll never leave me alone not unless I’m asleep or dead.",Depression +47839,"Dropped out of college I cannot take it anymore. We're still in online classes. It triggered my suicidal thoughts again. Now I just want to kill myself. I am now a huge burden to my family. I love them so much and I think it will be better if I am not here anymore. They get problems and expense a lot because of me, my medications. I don't know what to do now. Planning to work, transfer school or just kill myself.",Depression +47840,I don't get happy anymore 16m I smile and I laugh sure but I always have this weight on me. Like something that's holding me from being genuinely happy. I can't really explain it and I'm sorry.,Depression +47841,"Need help Hi, + +So I really need some help/pointers in where I go wrong or what I can do do fix mu current life. + +* Short info: +* Fucked a girl who got pregant and kept the kid. (I iniciaded the child custody court) (ugly court battle) +* My son is 3 years. Lives 50/50 with his mother and me. +* High performing job, future is looking bright but I work 50-60 hours weeks. + * When I or my son get sick the backlog of work is INSANE. + * Work is now taking some seriously battles in my head, like I dont really know how long I will be able to keep this job going. To much to do, there is no way ever that anyone will be able to do this job + * Im a people pleasere so I fuck my own schedule on a daily basis at work. +* Poor as fuck, all money went to court, batteling bill to bill now. (wife didnt have to pay since she is on welfare and then the ""tax-payers"" are paying for her court. +* Creditcard debt of $1300 but I cannot pay anything on it, all money goes to bills and my son. +* Car loan debt $10.000, cant sell car since I travel 1 hour each way to get my son from daycare or his mother. +* Renting the my current appartment. +* I might be able to save around 100-200$/month if Im lucky. + +I feel that my life is just fucked, completely and utterly fucked and I cannot for the life of me see any light anymore. I was so happy before, life was so good before kids, court a maniac mother to my kid. + +I just long so much for the old day and I cannot for the life of me ""enjoy"" the current times. + + +Spoken to a couple of therapists but I don't know, they are quite fast to add diagnises without doing any tests... + + +My dream now is to just run my car as fast as I can into a wall to make all the pain stop, I tought life was hard. But I had no idea how utterly awfully painfull this existence is. +Like I run that scenario through my mnd at least 100 times a day and I just long for it. + +Of course I wont do it, I have a son etc. But I really just wished that a car could crash into me, kill me on the spot etc. +I always thougth I was a strong man. But im a weak one.... Well.... + +I try to remidate the feelings with friends, loved ones, loads women, working out etc. +But nothing feels ""good"" or satisfying. Nothing currently feels satisfying. +My schedule looks something like this: + + +05.00 (I or son wake up) +08.00 Son at day care +09.00 Back home +09.00 - 15.00 Work +15.15 - go get son at day care +16.16 - home. +16.30-20.00 Time with son, food playing, goofing around etc. + +20.00-24.00 (8pm-12 pm) Work + + +Those days where my son is not at my palce: +I tend to get 1,5 hours traning in per day. +Good foods and some rest in between aswell. + +But something like this, weekends looks the same + +05-06 wake up +08.00 - 18.00 (8 am to 6 pm) work +18-20 sparetime +20.00 to 24 work + +Working out has always helped. But only for the short time when Im in the gym. +I dont do any drugs, Alcohol is not my thing, plus I got LOADS of alcoholism in my family so I dont want to go the same way there... + + +Anyone have any tips on what can be done?",Depression +47842,"Should I just stop taking my antidepressants? It seems like nothing is working or making me feel better or more confident. I still feel nervous when it comes to being around people and isolate myself from the outside world. And my mother and doctor say that I need to put in the effort so the pills can work, but I’m just to scared to actually do it. I do t know what to do.",Depression +47843,"Feeling in over my head and looking for help My situation is this: I am coaching high school lacrosse at the varsity level For the first time this year and feel awfully inadequate and extremely nervous about how the season is going to go. I have been the JV coach before, but I am filling in for our head coach who is out for the season on personal leave, there are a bunch of mitigating factors that should make me comfortable, including the fact that I know many of the players already, expectations for the team are low given our traditional performances, it’s a great group of seniors. + +Despite this, I am extremely nervous to the point where it is impacting my sleep and it’s all I think about during the day. I feel like a complete imposter, because I don’t really know the game of lacrosse to nearly the same level as the previous coach. I’ve been doing deep breathing, I’ve been prescribed clonidine, but I don’t feel good at all right now. + +I’m just looking for some help. How do other people on here dealt with performance anxiety, impostor syndrome, feeling like you’re in over your head in a new job? Any help you can provide would be extremely appreciated. Thank you.",Depression +47844,"How to deal with a severe burn-out? I’d like to keep this nice and short, but if it ends up longer than I intend this to be, please be patient with me. Also, English is not my first language. + +I’m a medical student, also working a part-time job for hours for minimal wage. I have no time for hobbies, and on top of everything, my family is very unsupportive, and I’ve been battling with a chronic stomach illness for a year already with no definitive answers so far from my doctors. I still have a ton of examinations to undergo, ranging from CTs, scans to endoscopies and multiple blood marker tests, and I have to pay all of them out of my pocket since my insurance doesn’t cover them. I’ve been working a lot to support myself, and lately I caught myself crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and most of the time, feeling completely numb, disconnected from reality and in general, feeling nothing. I feel like I’m a complete fuck-up. + +So my question would be, how should I deal with being so burnt out and worn away from all this stress? I feel like I really want this pain to end, but I can’t seem to have just one calm hour to myself anytime soon. Please help. Any tip is really appreciated.",Depression +47845,"My parents have absolutely ruined me My parents play such a victim mentality and never own up to their mistakes. After all the shitty things they had done they not once recognized it and simply defended themselves by saying they thought it was for the better. They always have thought like this. What about me? the impact it made on me? and how badly it fucked me up. + +Theres a huge difference in intent and outcome. You cannot justify your shitty behaviors because of your “good intent”",Depression +47846,"I realized why I question life and existence so much while most people don't It's simple - I don't enjoy life so I need to search for a reason to continue living, while other people simply enjoy their existence, even if there are plenty of bad things happening to them",Depression +47847,"I may be autistic and I'm only seeing it now Hey, been a while since I posted something here. I'm 18 years old and from Brazil, been having some great moments on my life overall with some amazing moments and alot of development from therapy, but even with minor problems, the real one is that I'm probably an undiagnosed autistic guy and even if it's a low to moderate level, it makes me go nuts. This really seems like a he of a problem daily and yet I somehow manage to survive without ripping my ears off, hate how anoying this is to the point I hate using the microwave and always add an extra second just to not hear it beeping, how any sound looks like a jumpscare from a horror movie most of the time and on top of all this always happened to me on my childhood and yet no one even bothered to listen my side, calling me either a crybaby, that I was faking it. Got called alot for having no social life and yet no one seemed to care when I asked help or either seemed like they were forced to do it. +Dunno if its autism since some people say anyone can have alot of symptons that are inside the spectre, yet aren't considered, but the good thing is that I atleast got a way to sleep better without having any noise waking me up with the new medication. Sorry if it was long, this seemed the place where I could talk about anything envolving my personal hell",Depression +47848,Do most people with depression feel brain fogginess? i have chronic brain Fogg and fatigue and also depression sometimes when i have no brain fog or fatigue i also have no depression,Depression +47849,"Sorry guys- I gotta take a thoughts n feelings dump right here 😬 So I literally don't talk to anyone anymore. Super depressed, going about my days. I would be dead such a long time ago, if it wasn't for the weirdest most pathetic thing ever. The first person (and basically only time I've been truly in love) I doubt we'll ever hang out again, let alone end up together. But I love her so much still, so many years later, that even that .000002% chance of feeling us hold each other is just enough to get through another day. I'm 32 now. And it's been over ten years since I've had that feeling and experience. But out of all my ups and downs and insane experiences, traumatic shit, everything... She gives me the feeling I need to just get through things. Days. Sometimes down to the minutes and seconds. Her life is normal and fulfilling and pretty nice if you ask me, I doubt she thinks of me, and I'm not a strung out piece of shit like I was years back anymore, but no matter how normal my life looks now a days, it's so empty, and it's always felt empty without the feeling she gave me so long ago. I feel like such a pathetic loser for holding onto this love for so long, without reciprocation, without telling her, and with it having been the only reason I've ever got through how terrible I had my life in the past. I'll probably die with that secret someday too, but I just wanted to put it somewhere out into the universe. Even if it's just here on Reddit. That I've had this feeling I've held onto, that I've embedded into the fiber of my being, so that I take it everywhere I'll ever go, and it's the why to every breath I unconsciously take. I don't expect this to mean anything to any of you. But there's love in the world that no darkness can bring down, no drug could compare, no words can describe, and no time can erase, and I hope that you find it, and if you've had it and lost it as I have, may you live with that small hope you feel when you reminisce.",Depression +47850,"I feel overwhelmed with sadness and I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. I woke up crying 3 hours ago and haven’t stopped. + +The pressure in my chest is continuously building up. + +I want to disappear.",Depression +47851,"Lost and depressed I'm 21 yo and I'm tired of what I'm studying (Computer Science), I don't find it interesting that much, I find it stressful and the job market is extremely competitive. There is just so much fcking information to learn in cs it's absolutely crazy when people say that you always have to learn in this field they weren't joking. Most of the material I will just forget quickly after a semester. Luckily I am in community college so I haven't spent really any money on this degree but I have spent a shit ton of time on it tho. Despite all that time spent already, I feel like it won't help me that much if I don't start to seriously study more but I just can't bring myself to. I don't really know what I want to do with my life but I do kinda like my job in retail even though for many people it seems like a shitty job and it kinda is but at least it's an easy job without too much stress tbh. Night shifts are the best because there are no managers so I sometimes just chill after finishing my tasks for like an hour. I can even come in high and do my job easily. But there really is a social pressure to do something better with your life and I get it I really kinda don't want to do this forever but at the same time even if I somehow get a job in my field I feel like this field would just be too stressful for me. I have thought of other options than retail that don't require a degree but I just can't try getting into them because I have to finish this degree first since I only have a bit left before finishing.",Depression +47852,"I cant function anymore, my cognitive abilities are much worse than back in the days. i am emotionally unstable and cry a lot. long story short: + +for a better understanding, i harmed my body and soul so many times because of untreaded trauma ( i think), i drink booze on the weekends since my 18th birthday, and later some party drugs came in. + +if i would have a glimpse of which pain i will live through back in the days i would have never touched any drug. + +i had so many breakdowns in the last 3 years and it feels like i will never be the person again i was. + +with the booze and the drugs came panic attacks and anxiety disorders. + +i am not the same anymore and dont know if this ever will pass. + +i feel miserable, no energy, cant laugh anymore, its like being buried alive. + +how did some of you guys survived this and are your cognitive functions and general well being better? + +i just try with all in my power to get healthy mentally and body. + +im thankful for every help out there, thank you for taking time to read my story.",Depression +47853,"Let Down Effect? https://www.anxietycentre.com/articles/let-down-effect-anxiety-after-stress/ + +I found this article today and I feel like it describes exactly what’s happening for me… but for me I’ve been experiencing anxiety and depression. + +I’m 28 and have a long long history of mental health issues. Generally speaking they’ve improved over the past 4 years with lots of ups and downs. + +Since December life has been highly stressful: Death in the family, health issues, housing issues, work, school, you name it. + +I had SO much adrenaline pumping through me for months. + +The past 2 weeks everything has settled: I found stable housing, moved in with my partner and the relationship is great, school is done, my Dad is supporting me financially. Everything is suddenly great… + +Except the past week my mood has dropped fast. Intense anxiety, crying at work… the worst part is, I’m supposed to be feeling happy? There’s nothing that can explain the feelings? + +So this “let down effect” is my best guess. Anyone else experienced this? I’m praying time will start to relieve some of these horrible feelings…",Depression +47854,"I need reassurance that it’ll get better… Man, It’s really not going good right now, I haven’t felt good in ages, I don’t even remember the feeling of happiness. I got no friends, no girlfriend, I haven’t been to a social event in ages, I’m socially not ok from my trauma. My looks aren’t the best either, I don’t even know if I am attractive or not, I just wan’t to be approachable. I really hope it gets better and I wish I had a better life. I also wish I had a good high school experience like everyone else.",Depression +47855,"Why is it that I bend over backwards, but I never get the same courtesy? It always seems like I work super hard to make sure that everyone gets included in, but then I don't get it in return. I already think I'm getting closer to my time of month, so that's not helping my mood. But it always seems like the people I call friends in my life never seem to give me the same inclusion when I really need it.",Depression +47856,"Post greif depression I've dealt with depression too many times in my life but this episode feels different. +I've been depressed after losing the love of my life in a car crash about two months ago and I still find it so hard to leave the bed. +I left the house twice during this time just for emmergency and that was it. +I've been staying with my parents, I've cut every contact with my friends and I isolated myself . +Now I feel so anxious and stressed about going back to my life again, to friends, my work, my house . Everything is overwhelming and scary. It's like I can't do it on my own. And it makes me feel so pathetic. +Every one have been judging me so poorly and I feel so guilty about it. +They're like ""oh girl get over it"". +""He's in a better place"" +""Are you still hanging up on him"" +""Come on, look at your life"" +All that kinda of stuff +Anyway how would I get out this vicious cycle? How would I get myself out of the house? And talking to people again? +Any tips please",Depression +47857,"How can I get out of the loop - depression is taking my life away I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for a long time now, and eating disorders in the past that have not fully healed. + +The trigger this time was that I saw a photo my broyfriend took of me and my legs appeared enormous to me. That single thought that arised from a photo that a loved one took on me, lead to not eating in three days, self-injuries and an endless loop of feeling like shit. I feel so narcissistic and chidlish, why would my looks be at all THIS important? Still now I cannot get over it. Just seeing my legs in a photo that was taken with love. My boyfriend almost threw me out of home cos I was behaving like a fucking idiotic child. + +Yet it is so hard to get out of the loop, I literally have nothing that makes me feel happy and I consider myself to be under the normal for intelligence and I don't have any special skills so I don't see a point in feeling better with myself. I feel so miserable, so useless, I only bring dark stuff to my lovely boyfriend. It's like I know how to get out of the loop (my therapist gave me many tips) but still when I am in the middle I cannot get out, my mind is racing with destructive shit that I believe and I act according to all these thoughts. + +The eating disorder has already been on for 13 years and I am already 30. I never imagined at this point of my life I would still be dealing my so many instrusive thoughts and still thinkking this is such a big of an issue. Its like really, who is going to notice I put on weight? and if they do, why would it be so importnat? there are far many things more importnat than looks, but I seem to not be able to get over it anyhow. I feel like I should really die if am not skinny. + +This post might be destructured as I am a little anxious right now + +**TLDR**: I am 30 and still behaving like a baby and thinking my body image issues are the center of the world. I am ruining my relationship because when I get in a depressive mood, I cannot get out of it during days and I become aggressive and a total bitch with everyone. I don't want to live like this, I want to enjoy my loved ones",Depression +47858,"Pandemic ruined me The pandemic ruined my mental health. I can’t get out of bed and i cant sleep at night. I feel so unloved. I hate my life so much but im such a coward. I just want to be dead. I hate myself so much. This is the worst it’s ever been and it’s only getting worse. My meds arent working, group therapy has never helped, the hospital made me worse, my mom and stepdad lost my trust by screaming at me. + +Im so lonely i have no one around me. My “friends” never fucking reach out it’s always me. Im getting sick and tired of waking up. Part of me wants to get better because i feel so awful, but im in a cycle and i have lost all motivation. I just wish something would kill me so i dont have to go through doing it myself. Im just so afraid ill be put in some other program that wont help me that i hardly ever tell what im feeling. + +I had so much potential. I had straight A’s, i wanted to work and go to college. My grades have lowered, ive stopped going to school and instead i cyber and just cheat on all my courses because it’s easier than focusing. I got out of bed, i didnt nap all day. i was in therapy, but i was getting better and only had episodes around once a year. They happen a few times a month. + +Nothing helps, im broken. I just shouldnt be alive. My arms are so scared up, i have big red ones and they are so embarrassing. Ive hardly seen anyone with ones like mine. I just cant stop cutting. + +I thought seeking an autism diagnosis would help, but since ive been diagnosed its been worse. My mom immediately said i was using it as an excuse. My mom and stepdad never ever tried to adapt to my sensory issues or even read about how they could help me. They just expect me to do all the work and all they do is find programs to put me in or dictate my appointments. Every time ive discussed something i didnt like that they do they have never tried to stop. They only listen in therapy. + +There is no point to being alive if climate change is going to kill us all anyway. Nothing anyone says will ever make me feel better. Im doomed.",Depression +47859,I asked my friend if I have changed much from school he said im more depressed I'm trying to pick myself up,Depression +47860,"I don’t know why I allow myself to keep suffering. 19M. Loneliness. I’ve had severe social anxiety since I was 13. This has led me to live nearly 6 years with little social interaction, which has made me pretty miserable. I can’t believe I’ve lived this long feeling unfulfilled and generally dissatisfied with my life. Like damn I’m gonna be 20 and I have very little life experience. I’ve spent many weekends fishing w my father, because I didn’t have anything else to do, bc I have no friends.and it’s like even tho I love fishing it just starts feeling like I’m always missing something I need regardless of what I’m doing, I’m missing friends and social interaction. I moved out of my parents house and in w my grandparents to work over here and I’m at a very low point. Every day is painful. If I’m at work I fucking hate it. Being at home is ok but still I’m lonely and depressed, and having nothing to do brings my loneliness to center stage. I’ve though about suicide a lot. It feels good to imagine the pain ceasing. I can’t stand to watch myself get older and each year im still the same. No friends and generally miserable. I’m just so done with life.",Depression +47861,"Mediocre at Best I feel like I'm extremely mediocre at best and utterly hopeless at worst in virtually everything I set out to do. Why I still exist or attempt to bother at all, I have no idea. I wish for just one day I could have some marketable talent so that the right people would actually notice and support me so that I'd be able to do what I want to do. It might happen, but, in the words of Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World, ""monkeys might fly out of my butt."" Fuck it. Let's face it. I'm completely without skills, looks, or brain power required to achieve the skills I desire. 😥🤦‍♀️",Depression +47862,Internet stalking of local professionals my age. Thoughts: why are you so perfect??? Just watching you is hard and tiring. Internet stalking was a bad idea.,Depression +47863,"Going to therapy tomorrow To be honest, I'm not expecting much. I've seen therapists on/off over the years, and it's always fine but never enough. This one is through my EAP at work, and the limited text exchange that I've had with him give me pretty lukewarm vibes -- no red flags, just not that engaged (although I suppose that's normal, since we've never met). + +I don't even know what to want anymore. I can't figure out what makes me happy long-term, and I think I'm wired to be anxious and depressed. I don't want to die, and I definitely won't for a while (too many bucket-list items to do), but I just have this feeling that things won't end well. When do we get to a point where we're just happy, relaxed, loved, and have what we want? I have become traumatized, jaded, and a shell of my former self...",Depression +47864,"I need some help I need advice for self-harm impulses I've been self-inflicting head trama +Recently I caused my eye to bleed and had a seizure. +Sacrificed a lot of relationships for the love of my life and she left me and is working with my brother and it's really suspicious she lives with my mom I feel extremely abandoned and i worry about braindamage +I constantly find myself hitting myself in the head and face",Depression +47865,"trouble with school. hello, I’m in my fourth year of college and after the semester, I only have one left but for like the past year, I’ve been slowly losing interest in school and in the career I wanted to go into. it is hard for me to stay focused in class and find the motivation to do the assignments in school work. I am going into user interface design, but I feel like I would be good in the field for some years I had trouble with the pression, but a couple years ago. I had a girlfriend for a year and that made me happy but once we broke up, I’ve kind of slowly went back to the depression I had before feeling that load you know I am I just feels like I’m not really had trouble finding amotivation to do what I wanted to do. any advice?",Depression +47866,"Genuinely, why live? I don’t enjoy being alive and I don’t understand why people are so determined to force me to continue. I am miserable. I don’t enjoy living, I don’t enjoy being me, and I don’t enjoy waking up knowing I’m in fucking ground hogs day. + +I don’t care about relationships. I’ve never had a crush. I don’t like talking to people. The closer I get to someone the more I want to run away from them. All of my conversations are surface level, just the bare minimum to reach what’s socially acceptable. + +I don’t have any hopes or dreams for the future. I don’t have any hobbies. I don’t have any passions or interests. I don’t feel excited. I don’t feel joy doing anything other than sleeping. + +I’ve planned for suicide on three different occasions. The first time I was stopped before I could carry it out. The other two I failed and wound up in the hospital. Each time I said “okay, I’ll go get help. Maybe things will improve. Maybe things will get better.” + +They don’t. How many times am I going to do this? How many times and I going to repeat this, hoping it’ll be different? + +Long term depression and anxiety has left me a hollow husk of a living being. I’m either crumbling under anxiety, completely apathetic, or about to snap from irritability. + +Everyday is the same nightmare. I just don’t think this is worth the struggle.",Depression +47867,"What's going on with me 22F. +Last year had been so weird. I graduated. Fucked a relationship up. Didn't cheat but the ex couldn't take that I slept with someone else. He was broken so I spiraled guilty anxious lonely. Also I was preparing for a big test I cared a lot. I used to be worried, cried all day. Then snap. I feel nothing. I'm sleeping all day when I go towards the books I'm like why. I'm so numb. Psychiatrist diagnosed me with atypical depression and gave me pills which I'm not allowed to take coz mom says there will be side effects. +Today I was allowed to ride a bike. I hit a car and fell down. It was a minor accident but bro. I realized I felt nothing after that. Nothing at all. This couldn't have been me. I was a girl who was afraid to ride bikes I used to freak out so much now I just don't care. Not even the fact that I'm able to ride the bike. If it was the earlier me I'd feel goosebumps with a sense of achievement, I'd feel fear anxious and scared about the accident. What's wrong with me I feel as though I'm an empty floating balloon.",Depression +47868,"I feel guilty about being alive I feel as though all my life I have been becoming unlovable. I can see myself decay. The things I enjoyed are meaningless and because I exist and interact with others, I take a part of the joy away from them too. +I do not want to live. + +But I don’t want to hurt the few people that might get affected by it. I feel guilty to a point where I wish I get terminally ill and succumb. + +I feel guilty for taking up space and being here.",Depression +47869,"Felt lost today so wrote this out of nowhere, I’m not a writer at all. Just wanted to share +Fear and anxiety rule his every thought , loneliness and despair fill every breath in his lungs. + +Darkness reigns unchallenged, the light is all gone. Feelings of happiness extinguished and drowned, deluge of pain and suffering watered them down. + +Like an ancient warrior facing certain death, wounded , bruised and bleeding he marches on. + +Flashes of memories that are long gone, hints of an era that once had begun. With fire and passion his heart once fought. Stabbed and damaged it won’t pump blood , only anger rage flow thru the holes. + +For his Queen he swore once that death he would take. Just to protect her from the evils out there. But no one had warned him of the evil within. A festering wound that ends in gangrene . Rotting soul and heart but not too fast. Ensuring he suffers as much as he can. + +The dream of a life was just a mirage . Leading the warrior into an inescapable trap. Battle after battle, war after war. Trenches of anguish is where he stands. + +What was the purpose the man thought to himself. Looking around for someone to help. No one in sight to hear his plight, only more darkness and none of the light. + +Hopeless and tired he kneels on his sword. With honor and valor he lets it all go. Plunging the steel makes the flesh cold. Followed by warmth of the pouring hot blood. + +Seconds feel like years as life flashes by. He enjoys every memory with his last ever smile. + +But out of the darkness someone reached out . Returning the light and the life that ran out. + +The warrior perplexed looked almost scared , for he had never encountered no one that cared. + +His story unfinished and with no clear path. But now he’s determined to let go of the past. + +Wounds that are healing wounds that will come. Master the pain that will never be gone. + +No matter how close or how far. He will continue to battle this war.",Depression +47870,"I feel like you're supposed to grow as a person in life and I haven't at all I'm 23 and I am a former shell of who I was at like 16. I have no goals or ambitions anymore, I used to be ambitious. I'm trying to improve, like I am volunteering but I still don't have confidence or anything",Depression +47871,"I’m embarrassed to say this but I need help I’m 19 and turning 20 in may, I have tried living a “normal” life with a full time job but that doesn’t help. I’ve also tried therapy and have been taking 200 mg of Sertraline for about a year and a half now and that barely helps me. I want to pass away but I have anxiety so I’m afraid of the pain that might come with it. I’m stuck in what seems like and endless circle of hating life but being terrified to end it. I need help",Depression +47872,"Nobody can ever understand how you truly feel at the end of the day Even my girlfriend who I'm thankful to have in my life, I feel alone. Nothing has changed. I don't know what the answer is. I've been wondering that for years. I'm 31 and there's no signs of it getting better. Only various forms of coping mechanisms. My dad will probably pass away soon and then I'm stuck with my brother who I don't get on with.. It's so exhausting trying to stumble through life and pretending you're ok when you're really not. Even if you tell someone you're not ok, it just becomes awkward and they will treat you differently and not in a positive way. So you make out you're fine and put on a brave face despite how empty you feel on the inside. I honestly don't know if there's anything left for me when my dad goes. People say: ""You have so much to live for."" Really? Like what? Most people end up being garbage whether that's in real life or online, there's too much stress dealing with literally everything and there's little substance. Everything feels fake. It's all so draining. I'm so fucking tired at this point.",Depression +47873,I wish i were dead almost every single day I'm tired,Depression +47874,"Is it too late? * I have been depressed since I was at least 11 +* i am 23 now, that's more than 50% of my life +* I can be okay in brief glimpses, am doing therapy, have found its hard cause i didn't have treatment for so long, so i am really battling deep routed stuff that i learned in childhood. +* should i expect that i can get better? or should I should just sort of accept that it'll probably never get better?",Depression +47875,"How to support my ex who is on antidepressants My ex-boyfriend recently decided to call it quits on our one and half year relationship due to family circumstances. He's been going through a lot. + +1. Dealing with his parents not taking it well that he is gay and had a male partner. +2. Dealing with some recent news that his beloved grandma in China is dying of cancer and doesn't have much longer to live. +3. Hurting from not being able to see his grandma and be able to spend her last weeks/months with her because of visa issues. +4. Dealing with a potential looming layoff at his company that could impact his ability to stay in the US. + +He went back on Prozac a few weeks ago to cope with everything and the resulting depression. + +I'm hurt that he broke things off but I understand that the relationship is the least of his priorities given the circumstances. I still want to be there for him as a friend. What can I do to support him through this difficult time?",Depression +47876,"Rabbit hole That feeling of going home after hanging out with friends. After you get home it’s relieving that you don’t have to smile anymore, or be happy for that matter. It’s like hot and cold, it’s so nice to see the people you love, but then go home and just lay and wither away.",Depression +47877,"I don't care about anything anymore I just don't understand why my brain is like this. I want to be happy I think I do at least. I just I've never experienced happiness in any normal way. I haven't eaten in let's see... about 5 days, oh it's 1am so yeah 5 days. I've got snacks, protein powder, easy meals, whatever, I just don't have any appetite anymore. I don't have the willpower to force myself to do anything now let alone feed myself, I mean I've literally made awesome dinners for my family so many times, just to not eat any myself. And I have always had these moments of pure self hatred where I don't feel anything aside from depression, honestly for as long as I can remember. I was born like this. And it's progressively been happening more and more often, and it tends to get more severe each time. Now I have reached a point where the depression doesn't even bother me anymore I don't have the urge to fight off the negativity it all feels normal, like I'm meant to feel this way regardless of what I do. My anxiety often fights off the urges to di, fear of nothing happening after death, the question of is it better to be alive and suffer or die and be nothing, you know the usual.. However in these moments, in this moment I suppose, I am completely zombified, I just lay in my bed trying my best to sleep my problems and my life away as much as possible, though I'm usually awake for hours/all night on my phone trying to distract myself from the demons in my brain. I just really let myself diminish into a pit of self hatred and past mistakes. I'm covered by state insurance and I have seen professionals, I'm aware of my mental issues and im medicated, on paroxetine 40mg, and lamotrigine 100mg. But the process is never as simple as ""call and make an appointment"" . It's hard to work up the strength to care enough to call. And then when you get busy, uncoordinated state covered mental health facilities on top of it... Well I'm sure a lot of you can relate.. so usually, even when I try my best I am unable to get professional help for my issues because I am way too broke to afford anything that's not covered by my insurance, and on top of that we moved states and insurance recently. So here I am.. I guess I don't really have a goal here or like a question or anything.. sorry. I just want to vent to strangers. Maybe some will relate and this might just be enough for them to view things in their own life differently.",Depression +47878,"Antidepressants... So this is maybe the wrong kind of question, but has anyone here gone on Zoloft and just started feeling like doing nothing but sleep? I've been on it for probably 3 weeks now, and it's becoming more of a problem. The last two days especially I've barely felt like being awake at all. + +I have an appointment Friday, but not with my prescriber, so I'll bring it up but I wondered if anyone else has had this happen and if it improves with more time or whether it might be that I need to have my medication switched.",Depression +47879,is it normal to be terrified of irrational things I get so scared at night and not even of normal stuff. Like I feel like a normal person would be scared of an intruder or a spider or something. I get scared like what if the portal to hell is outside my door or what if the sky changes color all of a sudden or what if I go to the bathroom and everything is upside down. Is this normal if not what does it mean,Depression +47880,"I don’t want to do this anymore I think my everything failed when I kept giving up on killing myself. I kept trying and trying to make him even fucking care when all he wanted was sex. All he wanted from me was some fuck hole. As I’d lay there and let him do what he wants and I’d sit and cry when I’d get home wondering if I should have let anything continue if I should have let him do this to me as he continues to use me for shit. I hope he actually kills himself before me so I can go spit on his grave and cry at the same time, because he is all I have left and he ignores me and complains that I fuck up so much and how I can’t do anything right. And I can’t do anything if I leave him he’s gonna attack me and most likely ruin my life. Even if it’s already fucked. He’s like a fucking man child he can bitch at me and treat me like shit but when it comes to me even slightly being upset because of his actions I’m the fucking bad guy. I’m the piece of shit.he is why I want to kill my self he is why I don’t want to find anyone to help me because he will get mad it’s not him. He will get pissed that I didn’t tell him I was going to kill myself while he has told me he wouldn’t care that I would die that I should do it and I will this week once I get the courage I need to say goodbye and not feel like shit as I die. I’m tired and sick of trying so fucking hard for him to treat me like garbage. I know I fucked up before I did a lot of bad things in this relationship but I apologized. I changed and I became new and now it hurts. Now I’m hurting myself when I said I wouldn’t now I’m shoving a pistol in my mouth with one bullet so he can’t hurt himself when I do it. Even in the middle of dying I’m thinking of him. Im thinking of how much I truly love and care even when he’s done this to me. Im still wondering if I’ll actually do it or after i actually end up pregnant or maybe during pregnancy? I want to hurt him as he hurt me.I want to leave an impact on him when I die I want to make him hurt. But I don’t at the same time. (On a alt account so if I don’t see I’m sorry)",Depression +47881,"Guilty I’m 28 years old, a father to two beautiful amazing girls. I live a pretty decent live and scrape by pretty well. I still have days where I feel so depressed I don’t know what to do. I love to make people laugh I try to always work with integrity and love those around me. I want to leave everything better than how I found it but sometimes I feel like I am a waste of space and take up valuable oxygen from those more deserving. I look around and I would with many sick people and so many have it worse off than me I feel guilty for feeling bad when so many people are actually sick and I’m just a baby. The more I see the evil in the world and hatred spread throughout the more I feel like I don’t belong. I love my family but feel they are better off without me griping about my demons. Who am I to thing that I need to be heard when people have tangible problems?",Depression +47882,"I think I will never connect with someone in a real way. I'm going to be a loner for the rest of my life. I might talk to people here and there but I've realized I'll never truly connect with anyone. I could never talk to someone for an extended period of time and I could never care about someone in a deep way. Im just weird and I'm not like others, I'm not meant to fit in this society. The only things that make me feel love in this world is music, yeah honestly music, where I can then daydream about a better place. I don't know I just feel tired of being alone, and I don't think it'll ever change, and its my fault no one elses. I wish that I could've lived a normal life, just to be a regular person like everyone else. They all understand each other. But life for me has always been so strange like I just wasn't supposed to be here, somehow I did end up here, I don't know why I'm here.",Depression +47883,venting i hate myself. i hate how i’m not pretty. i hate my thin ugly hair. i hate my face. i hate that i’m not good at anything. i hate that men get to judge my appearance and reject me like garbage. i hate that i’m not smart enough for my dream education. i hate being a try-hard but still failing. i hate being humiliated by men who call me ugly to my face in front of my friends. i hate being criticized for small mistakes. i hate being told to smile. i hate that i hate people for no reason. i hate that i thirst over guys who don’t care if i live or die. i hate that my brother feels ashamed to go to the store with me. i hate that i can’t get up at 6am every day. i hate that i can’t cut myself deep enough. i hate my terrible fashion sense. i hate that i’m broke and work three jobs. i hate when men are disgusted by me. i hate how wide my shoulders are from the back. i hate that i failed my driver’s license. i hate that i have to imagine what having a boyfriend would be like. i hate when my friends ignore me in public. i hate that i always give up. i hate that men make fun of my boobs. i hate that i waste so much time.,Depression +47884,"How does anyone do anything??? I've (25f) been going through the most stressful depressive episode i've ever been in and I can hardly get anything done. At best, I get maybe 1~2 hours of work done in the afternoon before I have an anxiety/stress/depression(???) attack and my body decides to just shut down. Literally, it's hard for me to move and i'd collapse if i try to stand, i can't keep my eyes open, and it wears me out to the point that afterwards I just lay there and try to do something low energy like reading until I get up to make sure I at least eat something and spend some time with my parents. I can usually spend a bit more time on work if I'm feeling particularly good or hobbies like music and art if I don't have another attack at night but I'm also only productive for maybe 1~2 hours before I switch to something low energy again . Really my low energy activity is mostly just reading fiction. Sometimes I'll try to play video games but that's rare nowadays. (My therapist knows all of this and we're working on it. Still gotta handle it in the meantime though). + +I'm not employed right now but I do remote volunteer work that takes probably 7~10 hours a week. I can get my work done but I feel like im seriously hanging by a thread. I'm also job searching but to be honest, I have no idea how I'll hold down a full time job. I'm not sure I can even really hold down a remote part time job truthfully. I've considered at least taking small freelance gigs but it's difficult to get going. + +I feel like im making a lot of excuses since i use to autopilot pretty well through high school and college but with the intense physical symptoms I have now, I feel like my depression is more debilitating than ever. I'm kind of scared that soon I won't be able to manage anything and I'll let my life slip by. :( + + + +Tldr; I probably avg 1~2 hours of productivity (work and hobbies) a day, autopilot isnt working since i have physical symptoms that make it hard to move and leave me dead tired, i feel like im making excuses, and my depression feels inscreasingly debilitating. + +Just wondering how you guys manage to get things done or if there's others that may be going through the same struggle.",Depression +47885,"Now I am afraid of getting out of this darkness I am 20 years old, and a university student in South Korea. + +When I was in high school, I was betrayed by friends who I really trusted. I experienced that one of my closest friends got bullied and quit school. I was so afraid, and I tried to befriend students in other classrooms. Therefore, they were my best friends. + +During the field trip, they said that they disliked me and asked me to leave. I was so shocked. I tried to talk with the teacher, but it was meaningless. After that, I was alone, and I spent days in fear. A week later, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I really had tough times. As I tried to commit suicide, I was hospitalized for 2 months. + +I believed that the only way to change this situation is going to university. I studied hard and others said my achievement is a miracle. However, my time stopped in high school. My heart and the way how to treat others are the same as a high school student like the days, I spent the whole night crying. I am good at making good relationships with professors. I treat them politely and as people who I have to learn. Meanwhile, I am not good with friends, because I am so afraid and don't know how to make a good relationship. + +Have you seen 'The Glory'? They said victims were abandoned at times they suffered. I totally understand what they meant. + +Fortunately, my medication is almost over. The psychiatrist will not prescribe antidepressants soon. That's what I dreamed and wished for. However, I am so afraid, because “I am cured” doesn't mean “my past is recovered”. + +I just tell my story of depression and concern... I didn't have any purpose for you, but I just wanted to tell it.",Depression +47886,"How do I help my partner with suicide and depression without making it about myself? (I know I sound awful) this has been going on for a while now and she’s had a lot of mental health issues for a while now. I tried to take her to her home city to get away and help her out, but as soon as we came back she felt the same way if not worse. i’m not sure what else to do, and i took off work several times just to help her with her crisis, but that doesn’t even help anymore. everything i do makes it worse, and i make it about myself and how much this hurts me. everything it puts me through, and how my life would be meaningless without her. she’s told me now that i make things worse and that i don’t know how to help her properly, i feel lost and honestly depressed myself because i don’t know how to help her even though that’s all i try to do. what do i do?",Depression +47887,"I’m a failure Everyone else is happily married, with kids and I feel like I’ll never be good enough to be someone’s wife or mom. Everything around me feels so hopeless. I just don’t want to wake up.",Depression +47888,"My dad is a G 🔥 He has done everything for me. He has taught me everything, physical and emotional stuff. + +He dropped his dreams of working as an engineer just so he can help my mom’s small business and watch over me easily + +He used to smoke but quit right before I was born + +He used to be in a gang in Vietnam but dropped all of that just to go to the US and start a family, he tells of how gangs of kids in their school would jump the fence and literally start fighting and shoot at each other with marbles using slingshots + +He tells me stories of his childhood and how at one point at my age (18) he fought off 2 guys and defended his mom by throwing his bike at them + +He is very easy-going and understanding. Street smart + +He literally cooks for me every night even though I already know to cook for myself and every weekend we go camping, fishing, or etc + +BUT. + +So far in my life, he has been my only friend and it feels like I failed him. I’m a nobody, I’m not smart or attractive. I’m not an ivy student. I’m mediocre with no ambition and going to community college. How can my father have this exciting life and look at me in the eye and still say he’s proud of me and loves me? How can he look at a kid who has never once been complimented by a stranger and call him handsome? Or how can he call a kid who never got a 4.0 or any academic award smart? Why does my father love me so much? It would’ve been so much easier to just end it all but he has to love me and make me stay. As I’m writing this I’ve been crying so much, I was so numb for months but suddenly during my 18th birthday and this post it’s all pouring out, it’s pathetic, I would never want him to see me like this. I’m a disgrace who will end the bloodline of smart and attractive doctors, soldiers, and farmers. No girl will want a guy who is this connected to his father, is there such a thing as a “dada’s boy”? Goes to show how pathetic and unintelligent I am when this is one of the few things I pour my heart into and it turns out like some middle schooler wrote it.",Depression +47889,"an inchorent story made cogerent by gpt sothere mught be a little additional dramatic effect + +A guy in the tail end of high school liked a girl who was his classmate so much but did not ask her out because they were friends. Also, the guy had low self-esteem. After they were close and sometimes flirted but nothing serious, they continued to be friends through college even though she studied out of town. Every time she goes back home, they hang out. + +During college, the guy majors in chemistry, and during the third year, he got depressed and caved into pressure and had a panic attack due to not catching up in school and the idea that he is a failure to his parents. That resulted in him not going to school anymore. He did this in secret throughout the semester, so when the next semester is up, his parents discovered that he stopped going to school and instead wandered around town and wasted time in LAN cafes. During this incident, he cut off all communication with his friends and acquaintances. He was lonely during this time. After his family discovered the incident, his family already saw him as a failure, and it was clear from their eyes and the way they treated him. This got him more depressed and ashamed. + +At some point, he realized he had lost the motivation to do anything productive. He did not know when it started, so he pondered and remembered when he was last motivated and realized that it was only because of his friends back then. Then he thought back to his childhood and realized he would rather not try to do anything because if he made a mistake, he would be punished. And if he did good, then nothing. Maybe he was not motivated at all because he was raised in a negative punishment methodology of parenthood. He blamed his parents for the things that he was, but he also realized that his parents did everything to provide for his needs except for the needs of warmth and recognition. He was conflicted. + +His parents asked him to go to school after the school year ended, and he accepted. As he was ashamed of what he did, he studied in another town. During his studies, he realized that he could not make any meaningful connection with anyone at all. He realized again he was lonely. + +During this second chance of studying, he heard news about the girl he liked, and he felt things. When it was good news, he was happy. When it was bad news, he was concerned. One of the guy's high school friend's fathers died, and he saw her again. It was weird. He realized he loved her and he now only loves the idea of her, a type of obsession of pain, as every future that the guy saw was with her. But she is now in a happy relationship, and the guy she is in a relationship with is great, and the guy thinks that they would be married, and the guy also thinks it's good for them to be married. + + After graduation, the guy returned to his hometown but remained unemployed. He felt lost and uncertain of what to do next. He often thought of his past mistakes and regrets, including not pursuing the girl he had feelings for and not taking his studies seriously. + +As time passed, he became more and more discouraged. He didn't have the motivation to pursue any opportunities that came his way, even those that could have helped him grow and develop his skills. He spent most of his days alone, feeling like he was stuck in a never-ending cycle of hopelessness and despair. + +Despite the encouragement of his friends and family, he continued to feel like a failure. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had let everyone down, including himself. He knew that he needed to make a change, but he didn't know where to start. + +The future was uncertain, and he didn't know what would happen next. But he knew that he couldn't give up, even when things seemed impossible. He would continue to search for a way out of his current situation, hoping that one day he could find his way back to a brighter future.",Depression +47890,Depression affecting work. I am unable to focus on work and deliver on deadlines. I can't even do basic tasks like preparing quotes. I cannot do anything that is multi step and i can't even break the process to small steps. There's no tricking the brain. I am in a standstill most of the time. I fear I may lose my job soon. Most days I barely do any work. I am only employed because of my brother in law and because I do a lot of menial tasks for his family apart from what I am supposed to as an architect. I am really scared.,Depression +47891,"Feeling very lonely Today I saw a Snapchat of around 6 coworkers having a bday party for my other coworker, who I considered a friend. We've only known each other for a year, but I thought we've gotten along great. I thought I got along with everyone pretty well. But I didn't hear anything about a party and now I feel incredibly alone again. I've always been the shy anxious kid, I've had maybe 3 good friends max all the way up through highschool. And since then we've all gone out separate ways. I feel like I'm never someone's first choice. Usually people don't talk to me unless I initiate. And it gets tiring, being the only one putting effort into a relationship. It sucks, I thought I was getting along well with everyone and now I'm realizing it's the same shit. I'm gonna go back to keeping them as coworkers and being more private. All I have is 1 amazing friend who lives across the country from me. I'm 23 and I feel like I'm gonna be alone forever",Depression +47892,"undiagnosed depression since middle school i recently got diagnosed after a suicide attempt in the fall + +&#x200B; + +come to think of it i had depression, low grade depression specifically, since middle school. + +&#x200B; + +I always overthought and compared myself because I was not the stereotypical smart asian kid like in a book i read, but getting abused by my church and my sister took on a whole new meaning. those assholes fucked me up without me realizing even though my parents were supportive and didn't want me to be sad.",Depression +47893,"I dun goofed +28 y/o adderall, caffeine, kratom addict living/renting from divorced parent & step parent. + +Tumultuous childhood, regularly bullied/beaten by older sibling. Parents fought viciously on a regular basis. My personality lost all semblance of normalcy at age 5. From then on out, I saw the world around me as a threat. It only got worse after school when I accelerated my drug use. My older sibling killed themselves when I was 19, and that sent me over the edge. I pushed everybody away. Now I'm alone & I swear it feels bloody impossible to have relationships like I used to. +I live a vicious cycle of working a to earn a little money so I can spend it on drugs which enables me to tolerate work. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm going nowhere, slowly. + +I have a vacation coming up (first one in 15 years). 2 weeks in a tropical destination as a birthday gift from a loved one. I think I'm gonna use it to get off drugs so I can fially move forward in my life. Cause right now I'm seriously not having a good time. I feel like this is my last chance to turn things around before my life devolves fully into chaos and I'll feel like it's necessary to clock out and leave. + +I just wanted to tell somebody.",Depression +47894,"I've never once been happy in my 28 years of living Been depressed my whole life i am surprisingly optimistic about my future because i have found the root cause of my depression,now i have to work on overcome my fear of being my authentic self.",Depression +47895,"Why can’t I appreciate what I have? Relatively young (early 30s) cis decent looking white guy with a well paying job, good physical health, educated, yada yada yada and every other week I think about ending things because I’m absolutely miserable",Depression +47896,"Childhood Trauma Mom passed away at a young tender age. Dad was not around. Grandma was in line to get custody of my brother and I. Grandma died the week of the custody hearing. Lived with paternal aunt for 3 years. Physically abu$3d and mistreated often. Then moved in with aging cousin and her perv3rt husband. Sexually abu$3d from 9 to 15 yrsold. Then moved to foster care at 15, worst experience felt like I was no one’s child. Fast forward I am 29 with nothing and need my mom more than ever",Depression +47897,"Help Im going to feel in peace finally, it's going to be in a week or maybe in some days I need to think about it yet, i need help with medicine that doesn't need a prescription and is deadly with alcohol, also that doesn't hurt cause I just don't want to feel any pain I just want to feel like I'm sleepy, I won't go to therapy cause I just don't wanna keep fighting anymore, i can see my life after everything this happen and I just don't see Any improvement, I'd rather have peace now that I'm 20 than keep suffering the years ahead, if anyone is trying to help me please send a dm",Depression +47898,"My friend's depression Every time my friend got depressed, he wouldn't talk to anyone. I was able to help him when I was close, but now he lives much further away from me. His desire not to talk to anyone started to increase in him and it took longer. At first I decided to leave him alone, but that didn't quite work. I try to talk to him, but it doesn't work, he doesn't reply at all unless I insist on my messages, and when I insist he gives a very short answer. I don't know what to do can someone help me please",Depression +47899,Suicide Idk what to do I was having a hard day and my partner knew and said let’s do a double suicide can’t they see how fucked that was to suggest,Depression +47900,"I can't do this anymore But I don't know how to do it. I want to end it. I'm living on a government pension, and have a meeting to discuss my health problems on Thursday, tomorrow I have a job interview first one in ages and I just can't do it. I don't want to do it anymore",Depression +47901,What Do Ye Think Of Flowers (TV Show) I'm quite depressed and have been for a long time now. I thought this show really showed the difference between someone who just want's a break from it all and someone who has nothing left in their lives. I don't think I've seen a better representation of depression in television.,Depression +47902,"I’m so lost I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Even when I was young, I wasn’t really happy. Anyway, I was diagnosed in my early twenties. I have learned how to live with depression, how to alleviate it etc. +I haven’t really been to therapy a lot, for several reasons. Lately, I don’t have the energy for most things. I can barely make it through the day. I have deadlines and things to do and I really really want to get out of this vicious cycle and get better. But every now and then, I completely lose hope. I don’t really want to die, because despite everything I maintain my optimism that things can and will change. +But in the meantime… how am I supposed to function to get there? Change only happens with actions. I don’t have the energy. I’ve lost all motivation. + +My main problem these days is: what’s the point? I see what’s going on in the world and everything is going to shit. People are fake as fuck. The only things that matter to society are extremely superficial. I don’t understand how people function in this society. + +It’s probably also helpful to mention that my home life is an epic disaster. I had to move in with my parents because I don’t work currently (thank you depression) and for the past year and a half, they have been in a pre-separation mode that they won’t conclude. I think that both of them are narcissists who ultimately only care about themselves. My mom holds me responsible for her marriage and she has played the victim her whole life. My dad is a narcissistic liar who won’t deal with the truth. My siblings are pretty toxic and I am the one that they all depend on for emotional support. The thing, no one is really there for me. + +Anyway. This was a rant I needed to let out because I don’t really have anyone to vent to. I don’t want to burden my boyfriend with my depression, he doesn’t deal well with it. I don’t want to tell my friend about this because they have their own problems and we barely ever get to talk (they all live abroad). I rarely meet people who understand me. + +Can anyone relate to my story?",Depression +47903,"Probably gonna end it sometime this year. I (18f) don't see things getting better. Tomorrow I'm visitng my grandma and I'm gonna take some pictures with her so she can have a memory of her grandchild that isn't associated with death. I love my grandma. + +I'm addicted to cannabis and any other drug I can get my hands on. It's the only thing that gives me relief from my suicidal thoughts and ptsd. + +I had a good job, had a breakdown and quit. Just like my last job. I'm pathetic. I'm useless. I'm poor and I can't even help my mom out with rent or groceries. + +I'm planning on killing myself soon. I don't see things getting better at all. Fuck this world.",Depression +47904,"my friends are mad at me for being depressed a few of my friends randomly called me out today for always putting myself down and always being sad/crying for ‘no reason’ and told me how ‘annoying’ it is (they also called out a few other disorders i deal with) +i told them i suffer with depression (which they know) and i’m seeing a professional to help me with it, yet they still said it. making me feel 10x worse. i even apologised to them…but they picked apart my apology and created more problems so at this point i don’t feel like trying anymore. + +i understand that dealing with depressed people can be a lot for some, but most of the time i stay quiet when i’m sad. they’re the same ones who always preach how ‘mental health matters’ on instagram, but in reality they act like this. + +i’m not sure what to do. i don’t have any other friends and some of my friends in that friend group are great, but those few friends hurt my feelings so bad. do i just pretend to be happy around them? today i kept crying at school because of what they said to me, and i fear tomorrow will be much worse. i hate attending school in the first place, but this makes it so much worse…",Depression +47905,"Very Sad crying all day but nothing is wrong This is my first time posting here. I just feel super hopeless with nothing to look forward to but nothing is wrong. I have a good job and a beautiful son. I have a boyfriend, I'm not having money trouble but for some reason I just feel horrible. I can't stop crying, I don't want to do anything. I hate feeling like this. I wish I was normal. I just feel like a burden to be around. I don't know how to make this stop.",Depression +47906,"Is it possible for me to be happy? I (22) have been living with suicide thoughts since I was 15 y/o and and I've been tried to kill myself at least 5 times. + + I really can't remember when I was ok, but at the same time it's been at least 2 years since I tried to kill myself, so I think there's an improvement. But now I just feel tired of trying, tired of existing, my hair is a mess, my bedroom is in a terrible condition and I have to force myself to eat. + +I can't find something that excites me, it's just like if I was alone all the time, but at the same time surrounded by people that can't comprehend this feeling. + +Is it cause I don't have friends? My social anxiety got worse over time. As I met new people, they just treated me like a clown, it was as if I were their entertainment. + +Even sending a message online makes my heart run like crazy. Once someone harassed me when entering a chat for kpop stans, it was a traumatic experience so I decided to go as incognito as I could. + +And then I can't get treatment for this. + +Why don't I go to a psychologist? You may ask, well... There's a member of my family that is a psychologist and she's really a manipulative and an hypocrite b**** so my parents don't let me see one. I know they are worried, but I need help.",Depression +47907,"My Cry for Help I don’t even know where to start I really don’t. I barely even know how to describe how I’m feeling. But when I say I have never felt this broken, completely lonely, and depressed I mean it. I truly just need someone to talk too, vent, and just let everything out because I just don’t know what to do anymore and I honestly don’t know what to do.",Depression +47908,"I think being okay for so long has made me not okay. I don’t know if this makes sense, but this mental dancing on the line of being just okay and extremely not okay. Has taken an extreme toll on me lately. It seems every time something or someone chips away at me, it robs me my opportunity to make that part of me better. I’m so sad, i don’t have any real parents, almost no real family. My dog is genuinely the only thing that brings happiness constantly. If only it wouldn’t break this poor dogs heart for me too be gone, if i could just make her forget i was here, i could be at peace with myself. The inner turmoil has become so great, not entirely sure how much longer I can mingle on the line of okay and very not okay. The bad may outweigh the good in my reality, my reality isn’t everyone’s, hopefully they will understand that. + +Signed, +Pain",Depression +47909,"Just wanna die I live relatively a good life compared to most people. Have a nice girlfriend, family, money. But I don't see the purpose of living. I have been going to therapy recently. They told me to hang on the small purposes I have now. But I think it's not enough. What if my girlfriend leaves me. What if I get bored of my current hobbies. I don't have a strong sense of purpose. I cannot just hang on to the temporary small things.",Depression +47910,"Is anyone here scared of themselves? I'm not in the best of state (mentally). Sitting around doing school or on the phone, pretty much spending my life in my room. My biggest problem in life is no motivation. I have a lot of trouble getting my school done. Sometimes I get so far behind that thing start to go crazy. + Drawing off point here. So I get these bizarre periods of depression. Lasting from 3 to 12 hours, one time it lasted for 2 days. And when I get like this I don't eat, sleep, or talk to anyone. I get these strong urges to end my life; convincing myself that it's the right thing to do. Calling myself a coward if I somehow failed in the past. + But the truth is........ + I'm scared + I'm scared that one day it will get so bad that I'll actually kill myself. I try to find ways to slap myself out of my depressed states. Calm myself down and try to relax. Maybe go outside for a walk. + My parents and siblings really don't take mental illnesses seriously and I have no way of seeing a therapist. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to die. But I lose my common sense when I'm depressed. Is there some way around it? or maybe a way of convincing my family that it's a problem? Is it to much to ask for help?",Depression +47911,"Tell me When do you no longer feel ""tired""? +Not sleepy... Just tired.",Depression +47912,"Feel Really Lonely and Isolated for Some Reason I have a few friends who I don't hang out with too much, but I still usually feel like I have no one to talk to, and this has been eating at me for quite some time now. I'm trying to work on meeting new people and I think I'd want to be in a relationship soon but I'm pretty awkward in general so it's hard for me to actually talk to people. I honestly think I might maybe be less depressed if I just knew someone I could talk to I guess.",Depression +47913,"Mr.Krabs I often find myself as of recent , feeling like Mr. Krabs without his shell .",Depression +47914,Hi! I tired about life now and im only 19 I am scared this feeling going to beat me. I life only for fun from irony of being alive When I was younger my life was in danger cuz of hard illness after My long recovery my mom died to cancer I know this isnt propably my fault by still all life I blame myself I am alive But my mom isnt and I blade myself for I dont wanna my life and I am not happy in it. But I cant give it to my mom so się can enoy more being alive. I hate myself But wanna become anybody in life to make (mom ghost(No i dont hear Or See her)) proud . But all my short life I suck in everything and I dont See any future for me,Depression +47915,"How to approach loved ones about your loss? I’m fully grown, have a degree, gainfully employed. The only people I’m close with anymore is my parents. My siblings have children so my parents won’t be alone. I think my parents would be the only people really deeply hurt if I left, which sort of makes it the right time to go. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to ease the loss for people close to them. I wish I could have their blessing but I don’t think it would be right to involve them in my decision.",Depression +47916,"Feelings of worthlessness, criticising myself all the time, mood-swings due to severe self-loathing, insomnia, isolation, regret over past mistakes (mainly due to alcoholism), so angry im grinding my teeth constantly, unable to exercise due to illnesses and injury, snapping at people I have no idea how to continue, I'm fed up beyond belief and feel I have nowhere to turn. I feel like I can't continue anymore",Depression +47917,Just my thoughts I’m am a 17 year male I’m tall and lanky when I was alot younger maybe around 6-7 I use to like wear shorts until some kids started judging on how skinny I was then I started feeling some type of way fast forward a couple years me and my cousin and older brother was in Walmart my cousin decided open a bag of chips and leave them the employee noticed so she came over to us she didn’t see our faces but she knew 3 boys did it so she immediately blamed me and I asked my cousin why he said maybe bc your ugly I don’t hate him for that or anything bc I used to get bullied when I 6-7 about my body type and my face so it kinda made sense fast forward to 14-17 covid happened worst thing that ever happened to me I lost all my friends social skills everything I was a people pleaser in school so i literally didn’t know who I was I went through a intense sadness still am kinda because even my own friends used to called me ugly but I just brush it off but i started thinking about since I had a lot more free time the shit literally ruined me for like a year I used to hope to die in my sleep but after a year I gained the courage to talk to some girls went terrible they said how you looks I sent a photo and they replies was always oh or just block me that shit ruined me even more to the I occasionally try to yk since I was lonely and didn’t have nobody to the deed with I got addicted it’s sometimes so bad I get extremely upset that I couldn’t watch it or find a good video it made my social skills even worse I couldn’t even look at a girl and not thinking about having sex im 3 days free off of it now ik this probably won’t make since it’s short this is just my childhood trauma affecting me and going through a mid life crises i wish the best for anyone that’s fighting depression also and know your not alone,Depression +47918,"I don’t know what to name this I don’t know how many times I’ve fantasized a relationship knowing it will never happen. Yet each time I do it, it makes me angry that I believe such a thing could happen. I hate that I’m aware that I’m making a fool out of myself yet again, I still choose to believe. I can’t ever stop thinking about this. It is the only topic ever on my mind. I hate seeing happy couples, I hate seeing people happy in general. I hate seeing people have fun while I spiral down into my own mental ruin. Whenever I get a opportunity to talk about my problems I never do it. Matter of fact, I don’t take opportunities to anything. I have only a couple “real friends” besides the people who are just horrible to me. No matter what I do, I’ll always be judged. I’m tired of being treated like an outcast for no reason. What the fuck did I do for you to hate me? There is no actual reason people are just fucking toxic. I’m tired of sitting here pretending that everything’s okay. I’m tired of hoping that things could change. I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any medication, I don’t need hope, I don’t need motivation + +I need to die + + +What am I saying, tomorrow will be better………right?",Depression +47919,"I got rejected from every school I wanted to go to, and I feel crushed I've spent the last four years of my life telling myself that if I work hard and get into a good school with good people, things will get better. Well, college decisions rolled out this Friday-Sunday, and I only got into 3 safety schools that I wasn't at all planning on attending. I feel absolutely crushed. I don't understand it, and I've been trying my hardest despite ongoing mental health issues. + +The worst part is watching everyone around me get accepted. I've got a 4.3 GPA and plenty of AP classes, but left and right everyone I know is getting accepted into schools with half the acceptance rates of the ones I applied to. + +I don't even know what to do anymore. The thought of waiting a year and stomaching a whole other application process makes me want to scream. I've been hinging all of my hope for the past four years on this and its all gone.",Depression +47920,Have had no desire to eat I know this is common but damn I’m hungry and just don’t care. Any tips on dealing with this other than forcing myself to eat?,Depression +47921,"Trying to help a friend, I’m in over my head. Please help! Greetings, I am new to this sub and relatively new to Reddit. Let me give you some background on why I’m posting here. I ran across a post about a month ago from a young teenager about being depressed and all that (you know, the typical teenage woes). Out of kindness, I replied with some words of comfort, and after a while we started messaging and have kept in touch since. I am by no means an expert (outside of my personal experience dealing with depression and anxiety most of my adult life), but all signs point to him having some sort of mental health issues. + +Like everyone, he has had good days and bad days, but lately things have taken a darker turn and I’m realizing I’m in over my head. For a while our conversations never involved suicide, and I know I’m not really equipped to help people struggling with those thoughts, but now it’s come up a few times and I’m starting to feel like I could be in danger of inadvertently saying the wrong thing or somehow making the situation worse. My first inclination was to steer him in the direction of talking to parents or another trusted adult, getting therapy, etc., but for several reasons that’s not an option right now. + +At this point, I’m completely committed to helping this kid get the help he needs and I won’t abandon him just because this situation has become more complicated than I originally anticipated. I started myself down this road, and I won’t give up until I know he’s safe or at least in the right hands. I don’t want to get into any details in this post, but I could really use some advice from anyone who understands how to talk to a very depressed / suicidal kid who probably has mental health issues and is desperately searching for a reason to keep living.",Depression +47922,Why the fuck is it that I desperately want to hang out and connect with people but when they invite me to events I get lazy and decline? Title,Depression +47923,"Please help, how can I force myself to sleep all day Please help! How can I force myself to sleep all day even when I'm not tired? I'm fucking sick of being awake, I can take melatonin and Benadryl but I'll build up a tolerance to both. Please help, I don't know what to do or where else to ask",Depression +47924,Another one I’m autistic. I have adhd. And severe clinical depression. I failed highschool. Failed college. Failed every job. Failed a 5 yr relationship last month and now my small business. My little shop that’s all I have left in the world is being taken away from me. The landlord won’t renew my lease because of complaints from the business next to mine who have been trying to get me kicked out so they can expand. Its a custom framing store and I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t know where I’m going to go. How I’m going to move my equipment. How I’m going to keep my customers. This was all I had. It was my safe place. The one thing I thought no one could take away from me. Fucking Florida and republicans have given all of the power to landlords there’s nothing I can do. I was the last standing custom frame store in a 50 mile radius that Made it through covid. Landlord increased my rent every year and I still found a way to pay it. The Assholes that own this plaza don’t even live in this area. This is my home town. My community. Now what,Depression +47925,"Afraid to have a personality Did anyone else have very few hobbies or interests growing up? I'm 20m and for the past 4 years, I haven't gotten into any hobbies or interesting things. I have a hard time relating to people because I don't have anything to talk about. It feels like I don't have a personality. + +My whole life has been dedicated to pleasing others. Doing what I think they want me to do, saying what I think they want me to say. I'm struggling with having interests because I honestly don't even know what I like. + +Because of this, I don't really have any long-term goals for my career, hobbies, personal growth, etc. I just want to be a normal, functioning member of society but I'm struggling to find an identity. I end up laying in bed all day, working towards nothing because I'm too scared to even try. + +Anyways those are my thoughts. Hopefully, some of you can relate.",Depression +47926,"Does anyone feel like they’re on the edge of a cliff of being content/happy, and one small thing could make you fall off? Don’t really know how to explain this further. Throughout my life I’ve been tortured with medical issues and a dysfunctional family and so on and so fourth. This made me able to “resist” depression if that makes sense. I could, essentially, ignore it. I could force the happiness through and suppress anything else. + +Little things have made me happier than normal over the last five months, including someone I thought was my friend, until it became obvious that likely isn’t the case. Before this I had entire, fantastical and delusional ideas about what the next few months could look like between us. + +Things are getting worse between my family too, and now I’m dealing with a shitton more responsibilities that will likely be falling on me within a few months from now. That and this crumbling relationship (only friendship, and the farthest one has ever got for me) are starting to push me to the end of the line. I’m finding myself randomly breaking down more often and I feel like, unless something drastic happens, I’ll explode. + +The best visual representation of this (it’s fairly stupid and niche, I know) is a scene in Umbrella Academy 3 (ep 7, trying not to spoil anything) where a big problem was averted, then this was celebrated, and then the crisis comes back with more ferocity than before in an extremely short amount of time.",Depression +47927,"Suicidal Ideation For a while now ive had visions and thoughts of myself being dead or committing suicide and how all my loved ones would react, but i never have planned to do it or even have come close to at all, because I don’t want to really die i just dont want to feel this way, and i dealt with them for so long i thought it was normal. I told my friend and he was shocked that I had thoughts like that. I guess I became so used to it I saw nothing wrong with them since I never actually wanted to commit suicide..?",Depression +47928,"Financial trouble getting to me I'm 29 and from the UK and I am disabled (Bladder/kidney condition + diagnosed autistic last year). My benefits were stopped and the appeal proccess to even begin getting them back is 8 weeks, I have no money, my bank account is completely overdrawn and I can't afford to pay for anything, my bills are all bouncing and I really do not know what to do, it's getting me in to a very bad place. I've never coped very well with stress/anxiety and now it is through the roof. My credit is slowly getting ruined, I've tried to get a loan to get me out of my overdraft whilst my benefit appeal is going through, declined by them all. I have no friends, my family isn't close, I look after my mum who is bedridden and it is giving her stress too, as I was paying her to help with our bills and can't now. Everything is just a bit shit, I feel like a failure. The system that has stopped my benefits is so dehumanising, having to prove and be judged how my conditions effect me and being deemed unworthy of help, I'm not asking to be rich and nor have I ever been, Before they stopped my money I had around \~£90 a month extra to live on, which would usually just cover my travel to hospital appointments. I hate myself and this entire situation has only made me feel more worthless.",Depression +47929,"I'm starting to doubt if getting better is even worth the effort and suffering. I'm still young, but I've been depressed for years now. All throughout this, people have told me many times that ""it will get better"". It doesn't get better all by itself. It doesn't just happen. + +The effort that is required to start making my life better, and getting better myself, is something that I simply cannot put into it right now. I have tried countless times, and failed every single time. The more succesful attempts at recovering never lasted either, and it's always gotten as bad as things had been before. + +Even if I do get better, is it even worth it? I'm constantly suffering right now, and my brain feels like a torture prison, that I'm forever stuck inside of. I could end that pain right now, instead of working hard, and regaining a bit of control over my life... + +But this world sucks. I don't think living in it can even be that great. I'm not sure if I'm willing to dedicate so much effort, just to live in this piece of shit society. I'm tired.",Depression +47930,"Recently realised I’m depressed and I don’t know how to help myself. Hello, +I’m just looking for any ideas of how to help myself really. I realised a few weeks ago that I’m depressed. Mainly because I’m a general failure at life really, but I’ve also had a couple of traumatic incidents in the past. I sleep all the time, I eat fast food and chocolate and I just never seem to FEEL anything except annoyance. I’m on sertraline (have been for years for anxiety), but I still feel this way. The NHS website says to exercise, but I don’t want to do that, and I’m also hypermobile which makes it difficult to exercise. I want to get better, but I don’t really know how 🤔 +If anyone has got any advice on how to help myself, I would really appreciate it. +P.S I do not currently have any thoughts that I would be better off dead. I am not thinking of or planning on doing that.",Depression +47931,"Help I am 27 (M). I am married and I have an amazing, loving and supportive wife. However, I am divorced. My ex-wife hurt me pretty bad, but not how most people would think. She had two sons and I happily raised them as my own (#1) and things were great. One day, she made the suggestion that I should get a vasectomy because neither of us wanted more children and we were both completely happy with our lives at that point. She didn't force me too, but I did it. I trusted my wife. I got the procedure (#2). Fast forward, one day, I find my wife in my bed with another man, such decency. + +We divorce, I lose everything, as most men do. I lose my wife, I lose my children (that I raised from infancy, but aren't biologically mine, so I have absolutely no rights in the state I live in and I have never seen them since the day she left). + +I get married, I tell my now wife up-front about everything. She loves me anyway. I can't shake the feeling of what I have done to myself. To take it steps further, I work in child welfare. Everyday, I see people who have children and they piss it away. I would give anything for that opportunity. I paid thousands for a reversal and it wasn't successful. I've never been a suicidal man and I've never felt any panic type emotions until all of this hit me in the face. + +Everything I have done to myself. I know life isn't over, but I now have to face the reality that I could quite literally die alone... And I am 27. I've tried medicine, I've tried exercise, I've tried counseling, for months. Nothing shakes this feeling of emptiness. I feel like I was set up and robbed, but what was taken was worth much more than money. I don't know who to call, I don't know where to turn.. I'm not even sure if this is the right place to be but.. I know my wife loves me. I just don't love myself anymore. I feel like the stupidest and most naive man to have ever lived. I trusted my wife. + +Most 27 year olds, you know, they do stupid things. I've thought about suicide but not because I don't want to be alive. My parents just think I was stupid for ever making that decision. All I can respond with is, ""Yeah, I was pretty stupid."" And that's it. + +I lay in my bed every night with a beautiful woman and I cry myself to sleep because I robbed myself and I robbed her and I can't cope with it. + +Can anyone help me?",Depression +47932,"Can’t seem to shake this funk… Hey everyone. I seem to have fallen into a real blue funk lately and I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve been on antidepressants for years and deal with some pretty intense anxiety, but I’m usually able to pull myself out as I’ve dealt with it for so long. I’ve cleaned my house, taken a nap, done my laundry, got outside, anything that usually helps alleviate - I’ve done it. I’m in a happy marriage, financially stable, overall live a healthy lifestyle but I seem to have this constant ache in my chest and lump in my throat lately. I don’t know how to get past it and it seems like nothing is working, but I really don’t want to see my doctor unless this persists for another week or two… does anyone have any suggestions for something that has helped them beat a blue phase? + +Thanks everyone",Depression +47933,"Why can’t my life be straightforward i took a gap yr i fumbled my first semester at school and im not smart enough to even do a STEM degree everything else is seen as “useless” degrees and those same useless degrees are the only thing i’m passionate abt, but i don’t know if im smart enough to transfer to those either. everyone else’s life seems so straight forward, they go to uni and make tons of friends and then get a great job but my life is a huge convoluted mess i spent all day today trying to think of solutions , im finally trying to be pragmatic instead of crying and feeling trapped and fuck me it is hard",Depression +47934,"not sure about what to do with my life. For the past 4 years I've (18m) struggled with depression, I guess it started with the very turbulent divorce of my parents (a violent fuckfest) when I was 14yo in 2019, it was at that time that I started doing drugs such as mdma, lsd and cocaine, however I'd say my drug consumption really started as young as 12 given that I would abuse my adhd medication (ritalin) by snorting it. +Later down that year I had some pretty shitty moments with my mother (physical violence) as my father abandoned us to go live in another country for half the year, when he came back, they found out about my drug usage, which again ended up in physical abuse and the over infantilization of a 15 yo boy who never had any freedom or power in his life, my parents started walking me to school (it was 2 blocks away from home lmao), once they even punched me infront of my classmates and threatened some random boy about beating him up because they confused him with someone I smoked weed with. +At the end of that year they sent me to love with my grandma in another country. +There I was, all alone in a country that was foreign to me although I was born there, I had family of course, but I can't really be myself around my family, the year was 2020 and I was just starting classes again when the pandemic hit, it was at that point when I abandoned my studies for the first time, tbh I didn't suffer through covid because I lived with my cousin and we played videogames all day, but I ended up drinking a ton of alcohol in secret again, sniffing gas from the stove, stealing pills from my grandma, because I was desperate, life felt like it physically weighted on me, +I stopped eating because sadness did not allow me to, I started getting weaker and weaker untill 10onths later my mother picked me up and we returned to tje country I was raised in. +It did not get better for a long time. +My mother did not trust me at all and didn't allow me to go outside (I was 16 at the time), she even hid the keys from me. +As I realized that she would never trust me again I said fuck it and started smoking weed again, yadda yadda I start studying again and pass the year (yay), but still, I was a 17yo boy who isolated himself for 2 years and didn't talk irl to anyone that wasn't family, I developed a serious internet addiction due to it. +In 2022 stuff got slightly better, but not really, during summer break I met a girl (26yo) online, and we start talking, we like each other, the first time I left my house in years for something that wasn't school was to meet her, which I did, at the cemetery, I was 17. +Later in that year I get into an altercation with my mother and she beats me again and kicked me out of her house, after that I live with my father for a couple weeks before she decided to ask me to come back home again (she never said sorry), I get even more depressive to the point I abandon my studies again. +Then I become 18 years old, and this 26yo girl I talked about before asks to unvirgin me (to which I said yes), she invited me to her brother's bday party. +When everyone went to sleep, we were in bed together, I was sleepy and high, and she was drunk and coked tf up, we had a very awkward kiss, I then say that I forgot to bring condoms and she mounts me anyway before I could say anything. +After that shitty experience we become a couple, my first girlfriend ever yay. +Fuck it was a rollercoaster of shit, she was abusive, she offered me coke after I was clean for 3 years, she insulted me and said I was only useful for sex, she even slapped me a couple of times. +Why does everyone abuses me? +Now, 2023, I have my first job, but I still struggle with my weight, which makes me very self aware of how weak and small I am.. I feel ugly, I feel emasculated. +Now I have to study again and I just can't keep up with study and work (my work shift goes from 4am to 12pm, and my classes go from 6pm to 12am) +I just want to give up, I feel like I don't deserve anything, I just want to sleep and sleep and wake up when everything's allright. +Sorry I don't know why I wrote this, sorry for the english.",Depression +47935,no medication ive tried has worked for me. all i have left to try is lexapro and TCA's im on luvox and its making me physically sick (stomach) ive just been to the mental hospital twice and they put me on lithium. i dont see any marked improvement.,Depression +47936,"A post that will make people mad For the last week and a half I have gone completely cold cut with my meds (150mg Wellbutrin, 300mg Effexor) +And my mental state is the worst it had been in a long time, I’m extremely sad and tired 24/7, I eat next to nothing during the day and devour junk food during the night. But I feel like I can laugh again when I read a stupid joke or see a sarcastic TikTok, and those little moments are making me sure I’m not going back to meds",Depression +47937,"I don’t know if I’m just chronically lonely or depressed. My best friend moved away last summer and while I still talk with them on the phone, it’s not the same. My other friend has got a girlfriend and opted to not talk to me anymore for some reason. I’m insanely jealous of him. I just want somebody besides my parents to talk to. To lean on. To love. Rn I’m stuck with plants. I-I just want someone to love. I’m only 20 and I feel like I’m going to die alone. I don’t have unreasonable goals for myself. My only goal in life is to have a wife and family in the future, but I feel it’ll never happen to someone like me. I feel kind of dead inside. I don’t know how exactly to describe it. I just feel so… A L O N E .",Depression +47938,"Feeling suicide is my only option I’ve been struggling with my depression for years. Along with having no friends the whole time and my girlfriend who had planned our whole future together left me. So now I have no-one, I’ve tried meds and therapy but nothing has helped, my family is just a huge mess on every side and I just have given up. I’ve lost faith in ever really being happy again. Even my hair has become ruined, I’ve had long hair a majority of my life and it’s how I like it but it’s now thinning and receding, I’m not even 22. +I really don’t know what to do",Depression +47939,Righting my wrongs Im a bad person. I’ve done terrible things I can’t stand to live with. How do I start trying to right my wrongs and make a positive influence on people and my Community. Not trying to balance out the equation to feel better. Just need to do right. Any opinions appreciated.,Depression +47940,"Lifelong monkey on one’s back. Man, I’ve been living with this feeling since like roughly 11-12 years ago but only got diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety about a year ago now. I mean I’m only 25 this year. +Last year was rough. I couldn’t enjoy anything in life everyday. I mean I still don’t. I stopped taking my antidepressants and seeing my therapist on a random day. I haven’t looked back since. + +I don’t think it’s possible to get completely rid of this feeling. Being utterly miserable, unlovable, a waste of space. It stays with you. Hearing a professional tell me I was mentally ill felt like a truck hauling a bus had ran me over, but that acknowledgment was merely confirmation that I wasn’t crazy. I’m not like the ordinary person who is able to smile without hiding their true self, the person who can be optimistic, the person who doesn’t think twice about hanging with friends and loved ones. + +Man. I am at the infancy of this journey, I am terrified. Every day I don’t want to wake up, but I do, everyday I don’t want to bathe but I do, I don’t want to talk but I do, I don’t want to walk my dogs but i do. Sometimes, all I can do is just wake up. Why won’t this feeling just leave me be? + +But it’s fine. If this is my slice of hell, fuck me someone else has it worse out there. At least I have a community (granted not everyone or anyone will read this but it’s importance is justified), I have a space I can just cry and rant about how much I fucking hate it all and they get it. + +Fuck me man, I mean, I hope I eventually get this monkey off my back but we’re likely to become friends before such a thing happens.",Depression +47941,Sacrificing myself I’m in the Army and I have not been able to receive the help that I need. A lot of my friends are struggling as well. I’m considering sacrificing myself and committing suicide so that I can be a symbol for those suffering in my unit. I can’t do this anymore.,Depression +47942,"Stuck I feel stuck in place. I want to move forward but decisions I've made in the past have not turned out well, so I worry that the next decision will be another failure instead of moving forward. Then depression and loneliness destroy my motivation to do much of anything. Loneliness and the fact that I express love and desire through touch makes my libido rage, but awkwardness and introvert tendencies make it hard to connect. But the longing for connections makes me make bad decisions in my wish for connection and intimacy. It all feels like too much. If I didn't have work I feel like I would just sleep all the time. Even the things that used to help, playing video games, reading, watching movies and shows bring me less and less joy as time moves on. Sometimes I'm even angry that I was born at all. Not that I've never had happy moments but they get lost in the sea of depression. So, here I float on these waters with no land in sight.",Depression +47943,"Life I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel I’ve wasted my life away. I feel like a failure. For the life of me I can’t do anything right. I truly feel like dying would be so much easier for me. Suicide has been so rampant in my mind, not that I have the courage to do it. But sometimes I wish a car on the road would just come and take me away.",Depression +47944,"It's been a bad day All I have managed to do today is get dressed, and eat a few grapes- and obviously post this message + +&#x200B; + +I know how bad my depression is, but when I have days like today I think I often forget just how bad it is",Depression +47945,"Tips to keep yourself from crying? I’m not formally diagnosed with depression so I hope you don’t mind me posting; I’m schizotypal (British, so it’s not a pd over here, it’s under schizophrenia), and autism, but they haven’t diagnosed anything to do with my mood, which is much needed tbh. + +Anyway, I’m having a tough time again and I constantly feel like I’m about to cry. This is fine when I’m alone, but right now I’m staying with my mum after nearly dying from necrotising pancreatitis. I keep actually starting to tear up, but I yawn to cover it up and pretend I’m just getting watery eyed. + +Does anyone know how I can get rid of the crying reflex. I’m not asking for any magical way to feel better, I understand there’s no fix for that, I’m just looking for a tip to mask it better. I don’t want my family constantly worrying about me. Thanks",Depression +47946,"Please help me I need help + +Idk how to do this anymore +I need help +I need someone to tell me its okay +I need help please",Depression +47947,"Best new artist for depression: EKKSTACY SO GOOD! He has the sound I need YEY! + +&#x200B; + + **EKKSTACY** ",Depression +47948,"I’m so tired I just don’t see a point to my suffering, I don’t understand it, I want to know what I’ve done so wrong to deserve everything, I’d say sorry and do anything to make it stop! I already have a burial plot in my home town due to my family buying some after my father over dosed on a cocktail of pain meds, I know I’m not perfect I’m sorry if I could be better mentally and get plastic surgery to look better, if I knew if I could just change I would I’m tired I’m so tired I have nothing to keep me here, I honestly believe even my boyfriend is probably just waiting for me to realize that he doesn’t actually like me, I’m just tired I’m living any more, my closest friend knows what to do when I die",Depression +47949,"Don't know what to do anymore Back when I was in high school I was struggling to make friends and didn't have the greatest of home lifes either (my parents argued all the time and at times when they had no form of release for their anger and frustration I would end up their verbal punching bag or in extremely rare cases, physical action would be taken as well). Back then I was on a constant mental decline due to loneliness and solitude I constantly found my self in. In order to try and combat it I did theater programs run through my school. The high school I was at is know for their theatre programs as well as their music department. Though run by about 3-4 teachers, the school was known for how much it did within the field. the shows had thousands of dollars spent on them each year, the music students took trips to music competitions, with everyother year taking them to a competition in NYC. I loved theatre, even did quite well in it up until I was about 21, but it wasnt the environment of the school that got me into it. It was the fact that all the students seemed to friends with each other. Casts of the school shows seemed like familys at times and with my home life the way it was, I wanted something like that. So I joined the select choir, that led to me being subtly hinted at to audition for the schools shows (well, as subtle as people in that field could be). I did so hoping to join the family they created and got into the shows and was a part of the cast every year. now long story short I was never accepted fully into their family, it was those teenage years where they had already determined friend groups, but it allowed me time away from home for as many hours as possible. So some days with rehearsals or performances I would be at the school starting at 7 am until 11 pm. So I dedicated myself to the shows, they were the one thing that really kept me going. Cut my senior year, I was known for being a bad student amongst my peers. I never did homework because I would be too depressed at home to do it, so many teachers would yell at me in front of other students in attempts to get me to improve my habits. None of it worked though, mostly due to the fact that test scores could easily out weigh a students homework score to create a passing grade and with me never really getting below a 90 percent on any test, it led me to focus on theatre instead. I loved it at this point, the fall semester I was planning to audition for colleges and try to make a career out of this. Not only that but my school vocal director, who doubled as the musical director, chose a show we were gonna be dumping money into. I mean I think the show spent around 200k, fabrics imported for India, a large bell was made so it could be rung on stage without making a sound, costumes rented from the former professional touring production, it was a lot. I was excited for the year, my fellow seniors were all really talented and it felt like for once I had a piece of the future to look forward to, even if it was only 6 months worth of future. It didn't last long though. before the call back list was posted one day many of us were hanging out in the vocal directors classroom, one girl was sitting behind the desk of the director since it was the most comfortable chair there when she started going though some of the directors things. When pressed about it she said she was looking to see if her boyfriend at the time had made it into the show, if he didn't then she'd have to do her senior show without him. Another guy started to help her out of what I could only assume to be a mixture of bordem and curiosity when they stumbled apon a mock call back list as well as peoples rating for their auditions. the guy realized that they shouldn't be doing this and backed away to talk to others while the girl looked around asking others to look at it all for her. I wanted friends, so I did. I told her that her boyfriend had a good audition and when other students pressed me about out it, we talked about the call back list. The director eventually found out that people were going through her desk and when she asked other students about it, they all said I had done it in search of the call back list. None of them said that anything about the other two students, they didn't tell her how I just read out what they had found, they placed everything on me. I don't know why they all did this, I dont think I ever will, but it led to the director to looking to see if I had done anything else. Apparently at this point other students had claimed that I said that a girl wasn't in the call back list and it saddened her to the point of tears, first off that was wrong because I distinctly remember saying that she had a damn good chance to get the leading role along with everyone else on that list for it. She was and still is extremely talented and I've never claimed anything else. Next these students said I read the transcript of a math class for another student and bullied them for it. Now with this, I did read this transcript, the student had left it out on a table in the vocal classroom for about 2-3 weeks and one day I picked up and read it, made a comment about to to other students in the room, and put it back on the table it was. Unknown to me at the time, that student had dropped out, hence why he never came to retrieve the paper and why itd been there so long. I know the entirety of that situation because I had reached out to him to apologize when people started to blame me for him dropping out. He told me it was fine and didn't know what was happening because he made and followed through on that decision far before any of this happened. Unfortunately for me though the director only heard that the student dropped out, and that I according to others had bullied him. She pulled me aside one day to tell me how disappointed she was in me, she told me how she knew everything I'd done and that there's no reason to attempt to lie about anything. She said I was the reason that kid dropped out and that I robbed her of the chance to save him, she said I violated her trust by going through what must have been all of her things to find the audition information, and she said that she couldn't believe I would lie to people and tell others that a girl wasn't up for a role where she really was. I didn't know what to do, the director what certain in what she knew and I knew she wasn't changing her mind on any of it, so I just through tears said I was sorry, that I didn't mean to hurt anyone. The director was like a mother to me and now she was pinning all these things to me and I didn't know what to do. So as punishment she wanted me to apologize to the girl, I was to never be in her classroom without her being there, and that she couldn't in good faith help me with any college auditions. She finished it all off by saying that because of this all she didn't know if she could ever trust me again. It broke me, I isolated myself for the rest of the school year, she thankfully still let me be in the show that year, but I tried to not talk to many people at rehearsals if I wasn't spoken to first. I applied for other degree fields at colleges. And outside of school I rarely spoke to anyone unless it was online gaming. +I didn't perform for over year after that, I couldn't get myself to be near a stage. I eventually got the courage to audition for the theatre department at the college I attended and got in. But after a year and a half the anxiety of being around a stage and performing, and the anxiety that I would just be someone's scape goat or disappointment again led to major problems for me. I developed a severe panic attack and anxiety disorder, and my body would start literally breaking down under the stress of it all, leading at points to trips to the ER for internal bleeding. I quit performing for good after that, I haven't been on a real stage since I was 19, and I haven't performed since I was 21. I'm 23 now and I don't know what to do, I had to drop out of college because of my mental health, my father has threatened to kick me out of the house because my choice to leave school and when my mother opposed his idea, threatened to divorce her and list me as the cause.im stuck in a deadend job working 60 hours a week and I've lost all will to do anything. I don't know what to do, I've lost everything and have no one. I just wanted friends and ended up here. I have a therapist but even after sessions I just leave feeling empty. How do I keep going like this",Depression +47950,"I’m having such a hard timw with sleeping Like my sleeping habits have started to make my life feel worse. Usually I can’t sleep until 3am, most of the time it takes longer. I do like 1-2 all nighters a week. Whenever I do one, i start to hear this whistling. A melody. Every morning I have an alarm and I automatically turn it off while sleeping. I can’t get a hold on my sleeping habits. Melatonin doesn’t work",Depression +47951,"Is Anger a New Level of Depression? I (28F) have chronic depression but until two years ago I dealt with it more or less good. In the past couple of years I have experienced a lot of things that can be sand and other traumatic and emotionally exhausting. + +At this point of my depression or life I'm starting to get upset and mad. I just get annoyed, I have violent impulses when never in my life I have been a violent person, on the contrary I'm always super peaceful and conciliatory. But now at any inconvenience I want to break windows, I want for people to stop calling me ""resilient"", I want to punch walls and scream. + +My therapist which was great at teaching me how to deal with things in healthy manners, now seems annoying and making me feel like being upset is not ""healthy"" and it might not but at this point I'm exhausted of feeling sad or defenseless or disappointed.",Depression +47952,i literally want to drown in a barrel of acid there’s nothing more. i just want to die.,Depression +47953,"What’s gonna happen? I 19(f) are slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might be suffering with depression. +I’m getting to this conclusion through having noticed the change in myself and through gentle research and sharing thoughts with a very dear and extraordinarily patient friend. + +I’m reluctant to seek professional help but I don’t think I’m sustainable like this. + +I just wanted to ask if there was anyone from the UK who could sort of tell me what would happen if I were to go to the GP and seek help. + +Thank you",Depression +47954,"Comorbidity -Multiple Diagnosis For the first time after a long standing build up of intense anxiety and depression, I sought out for help, diagnosis, and medication. + +I was overwhelmed with what I got from 4 professionals, which include two great psychiatrists and 2 therapists. It is PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder. Medication has helped and having the answers of a diagnosis has been very validating, but I am struggling to piece all of these together and figure out where I am supposed to go from here. Has anyone else experienced these multiple diagnosis?",Depression +47955,"Idk what to do anymore M18 +I know Im just whining but idk what to do with myself +anymore, its only getting worse. The few people i thought cared about me probably dont. +I cant get myself to eat, i feel really lonely all day long and im just annoyed with myself, ive going to psychologist for around a month now but I havent really opened up to her yet bc im scared. I don't even know why im making this post. Im sorry",Depression +47956,"What is the point of living. I am only 16. I have 4 siblings and I have just my mom, that’s all. My dad has been in and out of my life for several years and in some cases was only there in benefit of his own self. He left us when we lost our house, leaving us with nothing but our broke down minivan. Which a couple years later, he stole and stranded in Florida with every liquid in it siphoned out of it. at this point we were living in a Duplex. My mom had a tiny ford focus left because he “gave” it to her because he took our van. may i remind you that she has five kids. Now, this is only one of many things he’s done to fuck our family over. The only thing he’s ever done is benefit himself. If my own FATHER is that selfish.. how could the rest of the world not be just as selfish. how could i ever trust anybody but myself. i’m pushing everybody away and it’s all my fault. maybe i’m being selfish? idk i’m typing as i’m thinking and i really just don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t want to exist in a world where i can’t even trust my own dad.",Depression +47957,"Lost all Will to continue, but desperately trying to hold on. My girlfriend of 7 years (since highschool) broke up with me. We both had a lot of hardships and tried so desperately to keep positive. She was stuck home, isolated due to unfortunate circumstances and for over a year we haven't really been able to see one another in person. I've been working hard to get a car and enough money just for a chance to see her. Even for a second. When things finally started to go into my favor...well she broke up with me. It was a mutual break up as she wanted to focus on herself and didn't wanna hurt me in anyway.But yet I feel like I've lost my only purpose of getting up in the morning. I respect her decision and her as a person. But it just hurts to badly.",Depression +47958,"It’s not fcking fair It’s not fair in any way. I only did what I had every right too he ruined my entire life and broke it I had every right on this stupid planet to tell him to fck off and just leave me be with his manipulation and bullshit. But not he had to go around crying to people how he has such a terrible daughter and is the victim in al, of this. Destroying the entire relationship I had with my grandmother to just end up in her telling me I can’t come visit anymore. I couldn’t even tell her my side of the story I just broke down. It’s not fair that he always goes around telling shit about everyone and how he is the fcking victim letting one suffer from all that by destroying everything one build. I hate him I hate him so much. I’m happy to go infront of court and take away his rights about me. Lets see how you lie your shit out if this I’m sure the judges will decide quick when I tell them how many times he fcking hit me and caused most of my problems in my life.",Depression +47959,"My existence is meaningless I have no dreams, no goals and no plans for the future. I'm bad at my job and feel like I'm gonna get fired soon. I have no friends, no social life and no Hobby's. My room looks like shit, I look like shit and haven't done any form of self-care since a week. My hair is shit, I'm disphoric as fuck and don't even have the energy to make an appointment with my therapist. I'm just a liveless shell of what I once used to be and living is just pure torture.",Depression +47960,"Just done w/ life… When I was younger I was excited to get older becasue I thought good things were coming to me, & everything has just gotten so bad I can barely even lay down to go to bed I’m hurting so much. The scary part is I’m turning 30 the end of this month & I have no job, no income, no positive outlook on life and I am terrified for the future becasue I just have 0 clue to what’s gonna happen. I think I’m just going to die soon tbh. Either that or end up on the street with a sign in my hands. My family are just absolutely terrible people, they have no brain it seems like, they put me here and want to keep me here, idk why, they’re just disgusting people, mad because they are also miserable so they made me miserable too, + +Everytime I wake up in the middle of night or in the morning the shit feeling is magnified x 100, I literally can’t help but groan & moan because I’m thinking about not just hiw much pain I’m in 24/7, but how I just can not do anything w/ my life, and it hurts after expecting yourself to be something for so long.. I’ve had high hopes for myself most years before this but it just hit me these last few years that there’s a 99% chance nothing positive is ever going to happen, and I’m not going to be shit. It’s really hard to explain how bad my life is tbh, wish I could just end it but too afraid.",Depression +47961,"How to cope with feeling sad and irritable when losing and numb when winning? I have been working really hard to improve my life in every aspect these past few weeks, I eat better, sleep at least 7 hours a day, I have begun doing yoga and meditation and walking. Yet, I still find I don’t REALLY enjoy doing anything. I have always been an art person that likes to draw but I haven’t finished a drawing for so long let alone barley touched my art supplies and drawing apps. I no longer enjoy video games. Competitive games make me feel like garbage…. Even if I am to finish a drawing or win a game I feel nothing and I feel miserable along the way and even worse if i lose. + +I am sure people can relate but how do you cope with this?",Depression +47962,"I’m 13 and I want to hurt myself I’ve had diagnosed major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder for about 2 months. Note how I said diagnosed, since I believe I’ve had it undiagnosed for a lot longer. My school work stresses me out, but I still have mostly good grades. I’ve been pushed and shoved by other kids at school, and called a ‘white supremacist’ when someone in the hallway saw me listening to the confederate version of the civil war song ‘The Battle Cry of Freedom’. My mom and brother fight all the time and I never hear the end of it. At school it’s hell, at home it’s chaos. I’ve resorted to banging my head on walls and tables to the point of getting dizzy. All of the advice and ‘coping strategies’ don’t work, the antidepressant medication I was prescribed doesn’t work. I am in tears while writing this, and am on the verge of a mental breakdown.",Depression +47963,"I’ve lost it again and I don’t know where the next step is Major Trigger Warning, I’m not sure how to add a picture that says that + +But I self harmed again and the cuts alot longer, maybe slightly deeper than last week and this was a week after my 16th birthday + +I was so mad and angry at everything I broke the knife doing so and now I’m having alot of regret + +Im left with a broken knife, and deep ugly marks on my arm and I’m going to get made fun of for it, I don’t want to be here anymore and I’m stuck on where to run next",Depression +47964,"I’m a loser. 33 this october. No friends, no love interests. And now no job. I have plenty of money saved up until i get new work..but I have no motivation. Most days i’m content to stay in my room and get lost in a book, or a game, a comic, a movie or show. Anything besides having to deal with the real world and all its bullshit and disappointments. + + I’m socially awkward and riddled with anxiety. Constantly playing out scenarios in my head that make me feel paranoid or that nobody likes me. Sometimes i get tired of myself, my thoughts, my voice. Other times i wish i had never been born at all. I feel like the world is just too much, that i feel everything so deeply or not at all. Doesnt help that i’m on the most soul-sucking medication there is. The only peace i can think of is to not exist. But i wont do that. Wouldnt want to hurt my family. The world is unfair and cruel. Everyone is obsessed with themselves, or fame, or money. The miracle of life and we turn it into this. Constant work. Deeply saddened to see my parents still working, probably never able to retire bc of this stupid, corrupt system called capitalism. If i had the power to wipe it all away i would. + +I dunno, i just wanted to get some of this out of my head. Not looking for advice. Feel free to add to the list of bs this life throws at us.",Depression +47965,"I wish I was born normal. People who weren't born without any mental disorders/illness don't realize how lucky they are. I would do anything to eradicate myself of this stupid disorder I have. I hate it so much. I'm jealous of my brother because he's normal and I'm not. + +I'm way more sensitive than the average person. I can't focus for shit. This life is just too fucking hard for someone like me. I wish my mom aborted me.",Depression +47966,"Backed into a wall and surrounded I'm not really sure the point of making this post since I'm sure it won't help, but lately I feel like I'm backed into a wall and life is just rapid firing problems at me with no time to try and solve one. + +I recently lost a job I actually liked because my mental issues got too much for me and now I have a job I literally hate and it even pays me less. + +My bills are piling up and my bank account is at about a dollar and that's including savings. It feels like nobody cares that I'm struggling and I'm sure by the end of the week I won't even have a phone to use for applying to other places and even if I do how will they call me for interviews? + +Honestly if it wasn't for my grandparents I would just kill myself because I'm just sick of life and people, I'm just happy that they aren't aware of my problems because I don't want to stress them out.",Depression +47967,"I’m hungry. 😢 I’m sick to my stomach from it being so empty, but I just have no motivation to go make anything to eat.",Depression +47968,"My brain is melting I experienced something like this when I had psychosis in teenage. I dont clearly remember those few years, because my mind was clouded. Then I got never ending depression. + +I'm 25 now and feeling this again. Like im on autopilot without thinking, like my brain is underwater. I don't like it and afraid that I will get another awful psychosis. I think I should visit a doctor, but I'm indifferent to everything. Secretly I hope that my mind will melt and I will disappear from reality. But probably I will just end up suffering like in the past. + +I wish I could just accidentally die right here right now. Deep inside I believe in that sudden death, so I do nothing with my life, keep living like a worm. Even of I know that miracle won't happen, I can't reject it.",Depression +47969,"Why does barely any sleep or no sleep at all make me feel so happy?! Guys I’m not recommending this, but I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this.",Depression +47970,"my bf said i dont try to make it better for myself like i dont hear it enough in my fucking head. i spent so many fucking years beating myself up and hearing it from my parents that i dont fucking try. i used to be fucking paralysed for years, at uni it built up so much that i fucked up my degree. i couldnt face looking after myself, ive tried meds even, nothing fucking works. i cant find any motivation to be a better person in the long run. something is so inherently wrong with me and i cant get help bc the healthcare systems FUCKED and im POOR! ive tried every shitty thing that even gave me a hint that it could fix me. ive come to terms with my mental illness' and im working on myself gradually but its fucking HARD especially with no fucking guidance! its not even like my boyfriend is a stranger to mental illness, that mans not well either! hes also been with me for 7 years. it makes me think like maybe im not trying. but i know i am. my suicidal ideation has been bad lately, i spare him these thoughts as i know they're upsetting. so i did some chores today, and i went back to bed bc i felt like everything was too much for me, he said i give up too easily. fuck off.",Depression +47971,"My [F22] boyfriend [M21] has been struggling with his mental health for years - how can I help him? My boyfriend has been struggling with depression for years. He was on medication in high school but ended up dropping it once moving to uni. His mental health is directly affecting his grades and classes, and the worse he does the worse he feels. He won't see a therapist because he finds them insulting and he /sometimes/ wants to get back on medication, but he doesn't know where to start and ends up running out of energy/motivation. How can I help him? He's sweet and gentle and so so smart, it hurts seeing him like this. I worry so much for him (I have a moderate-severe anxiety disorder) and I just want to make it easier for him. I love him so much.",Depression +47972,"how do i fight the urge to hurt myself every minor inconvenience makes me want to hurt myself, idk how to stop it",Depression +47973,I like getting sick I don’t like being sick but I like getting sick because it gives me a reason to Lie in bed all day and not be criticized from it and not seem lazy,Depression +47974,"News some wisdom So you know how whenever someone is depressed or feeling out of hope in life, people say stuff like, oh don’t worry it gets better, nothing lasts forever…. Well I’ve been depressed for a while now and some of the causes of my depression don’t seem to have a solution. It even looks like it most likely will get worse with time. How would you advice me with this situation or help me be more optimistic about my life??",Depression +47975,"I created a list of things wrong with me.. and it's frikkin' long. So I'm having an off-day where I just feel empty and not feel like anything. Wanting to at least attempt to get out of it, I tried journaling about my self-attacking thoughts and it turned out to be .. a lot of them. I currently suffer a lot from anxiety attacks due to a very low self-esteem & my financial situation (I'm living paycheck to paycheck without savings) and honestly I just feel down all the time. + +I've talked to professionals in the past. However, it lead to nothing because of my own stupid stubbornness. I'm too hard to work with & fix since I just believe I can't change, even though that's bullshit. I can't even start or finish anything, which makes this so hard to go through to fix myself. Honestly, I'm scared to death that I will always feel this way for the rest of my life. + +Here're my dark thoughts that I wrote down in just a few minutes. They're a lot. + +I'm not even sure why I post this. But I just felt like it, I suppose. + +&#x200B; + +* I’m insecure +* I’m unable to make decisions +* I feel depressed +* I feel uninspired +* I’m not productive +* I’m not a good boyfriend +* My financial situation is +* I’m a habitual liar +* I’m addicted to gaming +* I find life uninteresting +* I’m not the person I want to be +* I am unreliable +* I get sick easily +* I feel like I’m unfixable +* I feel like I’m a sociopath +* I feel like I won’t ever be my own friend +* I’m scared I will always feel this way +* I don’t love or even like myself +* I get angry quickly +* I can’t handle my emotions well +* I’m not a fun person to be around +* I don’t feel like I’m a person +* I don’t feel like I’m learning anything +* I’m scared I will lose my girlfriend +* I’m scared I will think about suicide if things don’t get better +* I am not a responsible person +* I don’t have passion for anything +* I don’t feel like I got a (good) sense of humor +* I never have anything substantial to say +* I don’t have the ability to tell a good story +* I’m not an attractive person +* I have a really thin and ugly body +* I don’t think I’m intelligent +* I’m anxious all the time +* I have very bad social anxiety +* I have a very bad work ethic +* I don’t like the way I dress myself +* I feel like I won’t go anywhere in life +* I am scared I won’t have a sustainable business when we travel +* I’m not a confident person +* I don’t have the attention span to read for a long period of time +* I don’t feel like I have any integrity +* I don’t feel like a professional would solve any of these problems because I won’t listen or take it to heart; I just don’t care +* I have no charisma +* I’m a people pleaser because I feel unconfident if people won’t like me +* I don’t have a great personality +* I run away when things get hard +* I have no ambitions +* I’m chronically tired +* I’m lazy and don’t get anything done +* I give up quickly once things get too hard +* I keep dwelling on the past +* I can’t forgive myself +* I have trouble getting out of my comfort zone +* I never put effort in anything + +Ugh.",Depression +47976,"It's over I'm committing tomorrow I can't do it anymore, I will commit sui*ide tomorrow. +I can't feel any emotions, everyone slowly abandoned me, I have no purpose in life, I can't find one reason to continue to suffer here. I wish I never existed",Depression +47977,"Battling with intrusive thoughts Tw: (thoughts of) self harm, drug abuse, suicidal thoughts +(m/22, if you care) + + +First things first, I really need to vent right now and dont know if anyone is even gonna read that but I just need to get this out of my head. +And sorry, if my english isn't good... + +So, I've been battling depression for over a decade, I've mostly gotten better after years of therapy and carefully choosing the people around me so I've been pretty stable for a few years with less and less backlashes. + +Today marks the first day after about 3 years where I'm getting extremely intense thoughts about self harming, drug abuse and even suicidal thoughts. + +I've already been in a pretty bad mood today, overthinking a lot and shit like that and I had to go to social event I didn't really wanna take part in but usually it turns out better than expected. It wasn't like that today. I've felt even worse and useless (despite my friends trying to cheer me up) and realized that I'm not good at anything. I tried to drink those thoughts away with some cocktails (which usually works wonders for me in social events) but that just made it worse. +Since I got home I've just been sitting on my bed and staring at the wall, my thoughts going through a downward spiral. I drank some more and feel better and worse at the same time. I've even got to the point that I noticed another issue I haven't even realized before but makes so much sense comparing it to the events in my life. Then I thought of numbing my pain with a method I used years ago, forced myself not to because the scars have almost faded out. Then I thought about what drugs I could use to distract my mind, even started to research before I stopped myself and decided to rant here. +I'm very aware of my thoughts which makes me instantly feel regretful and even more like a shitty person. + +I just want to cry and try to vent through that but that's something I still can't do. Love society for teaching boys that they aren't allowed to cry. + +Anyways, I hope I can force myself to focus on something else now that I've written this shit down. My mind does feel a bit clearer now without taking some extreme steps. + +Also to everyone reading this: I hope you have a great day tomorrow. And maybe we can all fight our inner demons some day and live a better life. Just trying to survive one day at a time.",Depression +47978,just started punching holes in the wall because now I’m angry that I’m sad,Depression +47979,"I’m not sure how much longer I can go It creeps up on me more and more every day. I can’t sleep very well and I can’t eat much anymore. I shake constantly. I’m unable to sit still, I’m unable to rest, I get maybe 4 hours of sleep maximum. I don’t even cry anymore. I am just blank. I keep losing more and more weight cause I find it hard to eat or enjoy food. I keep cleaning myself and my belongings constantly to keep me occupied. I really can’t do this anymore, I do know how much longer I have a will to live.",Depression +47980,"why? why is it so hard to not talk to somebody that I'm depressing. there nothing they can do, depression like a cancer that crawl and take over my body.",Depression +47981,I just don’t know anymore. I can’t anymore. I’m tired… That’s it.,Depression +47982,"Why is it that people seem to make life more difficult than it has to be? Real life examples of greedy people, racists, bullies, narcissists, etc..",Depression +47983,"Just a thought I decided . I will live life the way I want , try new thing , welcome only good hearted people into my life . If it didn't work out , I can kill myself anyway. My body , my choice !",Depression +47984,"I’m starting to believe you need to be ignorant to be happy My eyes begin to swell up with tears even before I begin to write. +I am a 22 year old girl struggling to find hope. I wish I could extract everything in my brain and export it onto this Reddit post instead of having to type out and remind myself of why I feel like this but I’m hoping I’ll only have to do this once. +You know, I try really fucking hard. I practice gratitude whenever I can. Everyday I wake up and I journal. I tell myself I’m grateful I am healthy, that I have both my legs and both my arms attached, that I have a roof over my head, that I have 20/20 vision, that I have a heart that beats.. and so on. You get the point. I try and I romanticize my life. I try and enjoy my morning coffee extra hard, I try and be present, I try to enjoy the mundane things about life just as much as the big extravagant things. +But the truth is, My first distinctive memory is disassociating for the first time when I was 5 years old. I remember zoning out because of the fights that would go on at home. I remember being depressed before the word depressed was ever even introduced to me. I felt like a zombie as a child, I felt like i was always outside of my body looking in. I felt different. Like my soul was not meant to be here. I lived my life very alone, I never had anybody and I filled the voids through whatever caught my attention. In the end we all day. Why are we here? What’s our purpose? In the grand scheme of things nothing matters. Really, nothing matters. The world would be okay without me.What’s funny is to others I am a bubbly sweet kind happy girl. People would be shocked to see this side of me. I’ve tried. I hope that is evident. I just think the more you know about life, the more you’ve been through, the more you realize how meaningless all this is.. is what makes you detach and unhappy.",Depression +47985,Just wanna go to bed and not wake up Been fighting for 8 years. I’m fucking tired of getting treatment that does jack shit. Fucking tired of being a 200lb burden to my parents. I’m just fucking sick of trying to get help only for it to lead to me getting worse. I just wanna put a 12 gauge slug into my heart. I’m fucking tired of being so goddamn paranoid all the time about if the people closest to me r joking. I’m fucking tired of my deppression being a reason that romantic relationships end. I’m fucking hate not remembering what I was like before this shit got me. I’m fucking tired of being alive I’m just gonna end it all tonight everything I’ve tried had ended in me getting worse and I’ve tried everything,Depression +47986,"Lucky in everything but love. Makes it all feel so hollow. This is going to sound so self indulgent because I really have managed to make a great life for myself in so many respects. Im a man in my late 30s and I have already seen and done things that very few people on Earth ever have. I have a great career making six figures. Own my own house/property. I have a great relationship with all of my family. I have cultivated so many friends over the years. I’m a rock in many peoples lives. I’m the guy people can count on to help them out with anything they need. I love people and helping people. + +I was an idiot in my 20s chasing the one that got away in a toxic on again off again relationship and when I finally thought it was all going to work out I got cheated on by her with a guy twice our age. Years later she wrote me a letter apologizing for it all. I fell into depression and let myself go after this. I came out of it and managed to find purpose in my work and hobbies. I lost 100 lbs to get in shape. And… nothing. For whatever reason I can’t find love. I’ve literally traveled to every continent on Earth, made a lot of money, taken care of my physical appearance and for whatever reason I still can’t find anyone who loves me which makes it all feel so hollow. I don’t feel like anyone owes me love, I’m just sad and depressed that halfway through my life I can’t say that I’ve ever truly received it despite trying pretty hard to find it for a long time. + +Recently I started seeing a girl who I thought had the potential to be the one for months and now she has had some freak personal trauma unrelated to me but that is causing her to push me away and now I’m just sitting here in my empty house again. I wanted to have a family and every day it feels like it’s more likely it will never happen. I am not suicidal in any way but it definitely feels like dying on the vine inside each day that passes.",Depression +47987,It’s been such a bad week I just wanna cry God I feel so helpless and defeated. I don’t feel like living this week. Birthday was spent alone and awful. Friends ghosted me for no reason. The woman I’ve seen for years has no kind of empathy for me. My job uses me and doesn’t respect me. I have nothing going for myself. Nobody cares about me.,Depression +47988,"i’m so alone. im currently in therapy and we’re talking about being more social with friends as well as setting boundaries. my therapist is aware of a friend group i have, about my only close friend group, of 3 guys (im a girl). boys like to roast and they like to be really, really mean. i often question why i’m still friends with them at this point because i can’t talk to them about personal issues, we no longer all have the same interests, i have a career and they don’t so having money/not having money affects us actually doing things such as traveling (which i always want to do, but scared to do alone and they’re my only options)… but really when i think about it i just don’t enjoy their friendship. there’s one “friend” in particular who always brings up my ex even though i’ve asked numerous times to not update me on what he’s doing. i’m currently trying to recover from that emotionally & mentally abusive, toxic relationship. matter of fact, he’s the reason why i spiraled a few weeks ago because he brought up something about without even warning me. +circling back to the roasting, they will so easily bring up this trauma as a “roast” and something to laugh at, invalidate my mental illness, and make fun of me for attending therapy because i’m “wasting money for someone to tell me i’m normal”. i fucking hate that i can’t seem to let go of their friendship despite how awful i feel about all of them, but i feel like without them i don’t have anyone to do things with or talk to all the time. idk what to do. it’s either be alone and have them in case or just be alone period and obviously that will just continue this cycle of loneliness and dark depression. wtf do i do. ☹️",Depression +47989,"Guess I'm the bad guy Long story short, went through his phone to turn alarms off, checked up on him because I finally gave a ultimatum. Drugs vs me, guess the drugs&the drug dealers are more important....mental gymnastics later I feel bad +after a fight and bam! Again I'm caving in, me looking or getting upset is ""why he doesn't tell me or why he lies"" blah, blah,blah. +Him starting a argument copying my breathing technique to calm myself down only made me realize how much I'm starting to resent him, my depression has increased again because BINGO I can't trust this man I adore to stay on the straight and narrow... +Been trying to power through today but FUCK, I want to smash something, leave, run away, say fuck everyone and take off... +I'm not going too through, im going to sit and be fucking useless. Why the fuck does he want a relationship? And why tf can't I let go of this asshole...so new plan, take care of myself and he can fuck off for awhile. He can go do whatever he wants and so will I, im tired of being depressed, if I don't change I'll k.o myself eventually. I love my children and him more than I hate myself to do that to them. +So I guess it's time to start learning how to live for myself for once.",Depression +47990,"my girfriend faked their death so it all starts with me meetings this girl online trough another friend,i tought she was sweet and she was for a time but she was abit sad and wanted to unalive herself this may not be the platforlm to do it but fuck it i have nothing else to lose so i tried to kill myself and well it was a dumb move i tried seeking help at friends since we saw her online on roblox and well we were infuriated does anyone have advice because im stuck here.She isnt responding to my texts or nothing",Depression +47991,Faster medicine response in bipolar? My doctor said that in bipolar patients they sometimes have much faster reaction times to new medicine. Does anyone have any literature explaining this?,Depression +47992,Im just dying inside and want to die for real too I dont want to live anymore. Im such a piece of shit i cant stand myself. Im ugly. Im short. My lonliness is killing me. I just don't want to be alive anymore.,Depression +47993,"1am thoughts Lord help me. +I need your guidance for what to do with my life. +I need someone to talk to. My life is a disappointment. + +I want to give back to my parents, what I am now is because of them. It hurts me seeing them getting old as time goes by. + + I haven't achieved anything in life. My thoughts are drowning me. Always too tired even without doing anything. Tired of life, only sleep is my therapy. + +My partner has her own problems, she's too busy with everything. My closest friends have left me. I dont want my parents to worry. My brother has his own family. I don't have anyone to confide to. Life is draining me to my core. + +Never felt so alone in my life. People are around me everyday but no one seems to care. I've been pretending to be okay for the longest time. I'm no longer my previous self, the confident one, the know it all, the positive guy. I have no ambition, no expectations, all I care now is how to finish the day. This has been my lowest state, my whole body is aching, my soul is hurting, my brain decided to stopped working. + +I miss myself. I miss being happy. I miss being at the moment. I miss celebrating life. I miss being intimate with someone. I miss competing. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss waking up excited. I miss caring. I miss eating with people. I miss being motivated. I miss having a purpose. I miss having a goal. + +This is me now. Look how pathetic am I.",Depression +47994,"I feel not good about the future ever. Some weeks are fine and the next week I cant go to school and hate the system for not just letting me life somewhere in the middle of nowhere on my own with a bunch of cats. I don’t ask for more. I like working but it‘s too much. I dont have the energy. It was good one week and now i‘m a sunked ship again. I dont want those ups and downs and I dont want them to influence my life.. if I could life somewhere far away only responsible for myself, I would be less of an idiot.",Depression +47995,Would you call depression that started showing signs as early as in your childhood chronic? I’m curious as to what others think,Depression +47996,"Bitching as usual. I'm miserable because I'm alone. I'm alone because I'm miserable. Whats the chicken and what's the egg? I dont want to be in a relationship ever again. I wish I'd never have to see another woman as long as I live. Yet I'm jealous of others because I'm invisible to them. It's completely illogical. + +I hate my shitty defective brain.",Depression +47997,"I wish to be Ill This has probably talked about so many times on here but I don’t know where else to turn to about this. I so deeply wish I was terminally ill or had cancer. I want a time limit on my life as I’ve just given up, I’m not healing and I’m not declining, I don’t want to kill my self but I’m not exactly happy and thriving either. If I had a time limit I can at least try and enjoy before I have to go, and I don’t have to let people down by killing myself. If I had the option I would rot in my bed but I keep pushing, maybe one day things will get better, I’m not even a quarter way through my life, I don’t want people upset or disappointed in me either. But each second I feel my body just weighs more and more to the point I can’t even lift my arms, and not in the physical sense but life is just a struggle now and being I’ll would be a great reason, a great excuse. If I had cancer I wouldn’t even do chemo, I would just accept my fate. I just want this to be over and done with, I’d be less afraid too. I’m horrified of death, losing my conscious and it being able to happen at any moment, but if I knew I’d have a timer, things would seem much more easier.",Depression +47998,"How do I deal with having depressive episodes and not letting it affect my husband? This time of year is rough for me because it's an anniversary of a near suicide attempt 8 years ago. I'm recently married and I've been having the worst time with this because I feel that I can't have these feelings. I have obligations to other people now - my husband. We are trying to start a family and if I show signs of depression, what kind of confidence does that give him for me as a mother? He knows that I'm having a hard time right now and he is just trying to go on like everything is fine. What can he do? I'm fine and I have been for several years without the aid of medication (but I have continued therapy. I don't see him again for over a week though). Before, when I would get depressed, I was able to keep to myself and process it on my own. But now, I can't do that because of my new life. I don't know how to let this pass if I can't let it run it's course.",Depression +47999,IS MY DEPRESSIVE EPISODE OVER❓ IS IT MANIA❓ OR IS IT A SECRET THIRD THING⁉️⁉️⁉️ MAYBE ITS A MIXED EPISODE😏 WE’LL NEVER KNOW 🤯🤯🤯,Depression +48000,"My life will be horrible in any case so why should I live? I can't think of a single scenario in which I would have a happy life, I feel like my destiny was set at birth through a series of unlucky factors. I had a difficult childhood cause I suffer from OCD and visited a specialist every week until I was 11 (now I'm pretty good with this). Also I was born both extremely ugly and boring so I will never find someone who loves me ( and trust me I've been searching for long and Im tired of suffering cause nobody likes me). I'm also extremely anxious and it's a torture for me to even walk into a shop and having to talk with the cashier. And lastly even though I'm truly good at school I'm sure that I'll never get a job, cause I dont like doing anything and Im angry to myself for studying so much instead of trying to enjoy what should have been the best years of my life (and which were a nightmare instead) and thus I won't even go to uni. I cant see how things can go well, Im just waiting to die at this point, I go to bed each night praying of not waking up in the morning.",Depression +48001,"I so often wish someone would care I find my self often being the one who is there for others. Yet at the end of the day no one is there for me. It hurts deeply knowing that everything I do won’t be reciprocated. + +I just wish someone could be there for me as I am so often there for them.",Depression +48002,"Being Lonely isn't a Shame Being Lonely is not a shame, it is a period and it will pass, but the shame is that you stay Lonely all your life and do not get out of this hell",Depression +48003,"I am nobody. I see no future for myself I’m 16, I’ve never had any friends. I feel completely unsatisfied with my existence, but most important - I don’t see good future for myself. Recently, my family moved to another country because of war and now I understand that I have no chances to fulfil my dreams. I have no idea what do I want to do and whom do I wanna become in this life. All my free time I spend listening to music, this and the fact that my family is in a safe place now are the only things that gives me power to move forward. But still, I’m jealous to everyone who always hangs out with their mates. I feel like I am no one, I am nobody, I am weakness itself. What should I do to become someone, I am tired of understanding the fact that I am who I am, that I am nobody",Depression +48004,"Need advice I've done a lot of horrible things to people in my past. I'm a pathological liar that has constantly manipulated people to make sure either myself or the other person didn't get hurt (at least in the moment). I've used people and thrown them out like trash after I was done. I've dealt with ADHD, anxiety, and depression for over a decade now. + +My ex and I broke up almost 7 years ago. It was a horribly messy and terrible break up that caused me to be suicidal (we both made mistakes). There was never any closure and it always felt like it should have ended differently. It often felt like she felt the same as well...at least back then (think she might resent me now). + +Been having some real down moments lately and I've been thinking about my ex a lot. I'm still attached to those days and emotionally often feel stuck there. There's still a giant piece of me that belongs to her. + +I've been in a fairly healthy relationship for the past 5 years but I have quite a few things I lied about in the early parts of our relationship. I feel like it's so unfair to her. It's not fair that I'm with her and emotionally stuck with my past or that I've lied to her. It's not fair that the thing I desperately want to talk about is my ex so I avoid that trauma with her. + +Any advice or thoughts?",Depression +48005,Everything is wrong about me I look wrong and act wrong and think wrong. I’m not useful or interesting. I’m not a full person like others. I don’t get them and they think I’m pathetic. There’s nowhere for me to be.,Depression +48006,"Been Hospitalized ? Wondering if anyone here has been hospitalized for depression or suicidal thoughts ? + +What happened ? Did it help or make no difference for you ?",Depression +48007,"I am filled with envy, pride and resentment. I will start of by saying that I may or may not be suffering from depression. Ever since I turned 21 I started feeling jelous towards my peers: profesionally, academically, relationship wise. I am 27 now and things haven't really improved. + +Everytime I try to share these emotions with someone, namely my mother she just brushed them off and made no big deal out of them. Telling me to just ""man up"" basically. When I shared them with friends they either said nothing or told me to get over it.. as such I bottle these feelings because it seems to be a nuisance to other people. Fucking assholes. + +I feel envy profesionally because I do not work in the places I wish to work and for positions I want to work at. I am underpaid, working a job I have grown out of for years. + +Relationship wise, I barely have any friends anymore after college. No partners due to me not taking the initiative to do so. Not due to lack of confidence but due to constant daydreaming and fantasizing about being in a relationship instead of actually pursuing it. + +I do not feel like an independent person, up till recently I was living with my parents and just now am learning to live on my own. I wanted this to be sooner but due to my own lack of initiative and financial struggles I was not able to. + +I have been addicted to pornography and videogames ever since I was a teen. Just now I am trying to fix these issues. But its hard man... really hard after 15 years of constant use. Makes me feel disgusting. Full of hatred. But at any inconvinience or struggle, I immediately resort to these two things. + +Lately I have been suffering from mood swings from manic anger and anxiety to relative peace serenity and reflection. Within the same hour even. I have also seemed to garner small panic attacks at the most ridiculous and inconsequential things that happen to me. + +I talk to myself. Alot. Alot alot over the years. For about a couple years now this self talk has turnt more negative over time. Insulting my own capability and intelligence at any mistake. + +There have also been times...in which I contemplated suicide... but not seriously. Just the idea of ending it all has crossed my mind. + +I dont really know why I wrote this. I guess I also have been feeling lonely.",Depression +48008,"24 and underachieving… I’m 24, unemployed, 2 years of cleaning experience, no drivers licence, I don’t do drugs, alcohol, vaping, smoking, nothing. If I’m being totally honest, I’m coming off being addicted to porn, and also quitting caffeine (coca cola every day) has helped tremendously, but my point is, is that I have no friends, I feel like I’m underachieving and honestly, the Redpill stuff is a bit much for me nowadays, I’m slowly fading into the blackpill ideology and I have these big hopes and dreams of being a self taught software developer, moving out of Australia etc. but I live with my mum and she wants me to get any job I can but it’s a bit hard with little to no experience. Any advice would be much appreciated, I know I can do more but I’m just simply unmotivated at this moment in my life.",Depression +48009,i feel exhausted i don’t want to do anything i don’t want to feel anything but i know i have to i just want the world to stop,Depression +48010,"Nothing's working I've been getting therapy for a few months, have been on 3 different antidepressants that haven't worked so far, and I'm still getting worse. I'm doing everything that should help and nothing's happening. What am I even supposed to do at this point? I'm losing hope rapidly and don't see any way out.",Depression +48011,"Why do I ruin everything? I‘m crying and crying and crying. I can’t bear this pain any longer. But it’s all my fault. + +Why do I keep ruining things. Why do I ruin everything.",Depression +48012,"I don’t know if people normally feel this way I try to care about people, but I really don’t and I don’t understand why I can’t. Like, I’ve never actually felt bad for anyone but obviously I still act like I do and I realized that most people usually care. Like if they were gone, I wouldn’t care, and if they got injured or anything, I’d just shrug it off instead of worrying. When something happens to me, most people show sympathy and it just makes me think if they’re being genuine. Maybe it’s because I’m not good with emotions? Or..idk I’m emotionally unavailable? Does thinking this way make me a bad person? +Also most of the time when I’m in a convo as a group I don’t really feel any emotional connection or it just feels empty and everything I do is just an act. Anyone else feel this way?",Depression +48013,"My girlfriend is suffering from depression but when 2 of her friends died she became suicidal Yo i need help from yall urgently . My gf is an awesome person but she is really sad and depressed because of her horrible past and her experiences. Im trying to help her when she is sad , sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt . This time 2 of her friends have commited suicide , i have no idea if they were close related to her but she tried her best to help them. After her friends have passed away she kept telling herself thats ""its her fault"" or that ""I could do it better"". She says that she cant handle anything and she wants to end it all , Im still always near her and I try my best to dont make her feel like this. Please anyone help us , I dont want my girlfriend to be sad and go through these horrible things anymore , every good solution on my girlfriends sadness and depression is wellcome.",Depression +48014,"any good games for time wasting during depressive episodes? hello, as the title says: does anyone here has any game recommandations for depressive episodes. + +mine usally last like 3, 4 days and i just want to avoid doing any destructive thing.",Depression +48015,"How do I help my bsf that’s going thru things bc of family problems She kinda goes thru a hard time and how her parents don’t let her do things and they don’t trust her enough and she just wants to leave them atp and I can’t even help her properly bc I can never understand how much she actually goes through +I just wanna make her feel better, even tho her parents make her feel like that",Depression +48016,"You gave your all only for it fail. Why bother? You finally got your dream job then layoffs come. Fall in love then get divorced. Always back to square 1. I no longer see anything but chaos and naive ideals around failed ideas that aren't sustainable or realistic. Is anyone else tired of playing rigged losing games all the time? That's what it feels like. Anything good is coincidental, fleeting, and temporary. Suffering is a lifetime and consistent.",Depression +48017,"Things were going great until a few days ago So I’ve been battling with both anxiety and depression for the last seven years and last six months, I felt good better than I have in a long long time. But I don’t know what’s going on, but I suddenly feel like nothing is worth it anymore. + +I’ve been ignoring everything assignments tests just staying in my room and laying in bed. I even skipped my classes today. + +I don’t know if this matters or something, but my closest friend is basically going through a mental breakdown and it just reminds me of myself and the situation I was in a couple of years ago. + +And she’s the only person currently that I could talk to because the people I trusted before we’ve kind of lost touch, and I don’t know how to talk to her without making things worse for her. + +I wish there is someone I could talk to, but at the same time I have really really bad trust issues and I don’t open up to people. +The last person apart from my friends that I let in broke my heart, so people are not really my favourite right now. + +I just need something, I don’t know what but I just want to feel better. I was doing so well and I hate feeling so empty. I hate feeling like I don’t care because I care. Just can’t get myself to do anything about it. +I don’t know what to do I just want this to go away. + +I haven’t felt like this in a year. Even then I didn’t feel this bad. +I can’t seem to figure out why I’m just so unaffected by anything rn. +I don’t know what triggered me. + +I’ve cried all morning and honestly I hate being vulnerable I just don’t want to feel this awful anymore.",Depression +48018,"I’ve gone to multiple psychologists and it feels like a sham. I have had depressive tendencies since an early teen and I’ve gone to see a Pyscologist since I was having problems at home and school. They diagnosed me with oppositional defiance disorder. Whatever. Later down my life I am getting myself more situated and doing well in college but I still feel depressed. Go see a Pyscologist while in school, I test very high on the beck depression test. Therapist says I should ask a doctor for medicine. I asked a doctor and they said they don’t want me on medicine because I can get addicted. Drop the therapist bc talking does nothing as I’ve learned over the years this is just how I normally feel. + +Cut to now and I’m still depressed but have no motivation to go see someone bc it feels like it’s a waste of time and money. Don’t even know where to go to find a psychiatrist",Depression +48019,"How are you guys have the will? M 34..It's been almost 4 months, avoiding human contact as much as possible, and lack of willing to do something, not even cleaning my room, or looking for a job, but to my family I say I'm OK (I leave alone far from them)... I know what I have to do to be back on my feets, but no desire or strength. I don't want to end my life because I know how it will make my family feel. Just leaving in vegetate state in bed looking at videos until I fall asleep, and saying to myself ""tomorrow I will do what needs to be done to get back on my feet"" next day same, unwilling to do something. Nothing, empty, everything is pointless.",Depression +48020,"Question I've been taking antidepressant for about 5 years, but my depression is getting worse and worse. +My doctor is an eminent one, and I rarely get stressed by external factors these days because I'm usually at home. +People say that they got better after taking medicine, but why can't I get over my depression?",Depression +48021,"Just wondering I had an ex who recorded us having intimacy without me knowing. +They just randomly popped their phone out and acted like they were texting but I felt off and wanted to see. They didn’t want to show me what they had till they noticed I was upset. +It was a video of me and them doing that…. I insisted they deleted the video which they did as well from “recent deleted” I then asked him to show me his Google photos to see if it was backed up there but they didn’t use it and did not know what it was. + +Once we broke up I told them that anything they have of me like this to delete it and they immediately called me to ask why I mentioned that and I said I just don’t feel comfortable and asked them if they happen to have anything. He said no but he is just so twisted I feel like there could be a possibility that they still have. +They said that if I thought by telling them to delete they were really going to and that they didn’t have anything because last time he tried I told him to delete it. (Watched him too!) + +It’s been a few months since we broke up and I still think of it and panic get really depressed about it.",Depression +48022,"I hate this life I am 14yr old and I have been into depression more than a year . And today I had a thought of killing myself . My friends are upset because of me , my parents are disappointed becuz of me . I am monster .",Depression +48023,"Life is falling apart and some am I The last 8 months have seen me hit with a widowmaker heart attack, getting dumped in the hospital (from the aforementioned heart attack), the financial hardship of hundreds of dollars a month on medication and appointments, 2 bouts of heart failure, a few rounds of hemorrhage from the blood thinners, a hyphema (bleed in my eye) and a whole host of other complications. I am barely able to make rent and utilities, and today I find out that I have been furloughed from my part-time adjunct teaching job, in looking for a replacement found my full-time teaching job posted on indeed too... Im 42, with a shorter shelf life than canned food and I am convinced I will be homeless by Aug. I really wonder if it's worth taking the meds anymore.",Depression +48024,"I literally have no one I have family but they dont understand my depression nor anything else since they grew up dealing with different things. My only sibling is not close to me, I guess he has enough friends and idk. He is very social and popular unlike me, i dont aspire to be him this is just why he never talks to me. +The only friend I have, she is a nice human being dont get me wrong, but she as well does not understand my depression. + +I dont want them to heal me we dont even need to talk about the depression I just want someone who gets me. + +I heard someone from class talk to his father on the phone once and they were talking about his studies. But really, he was telling his father what topic we had and how the teacher formulated mean questions in the exam and that he was confused so he would probs not get a high grade but he hoped to pass. His dad replied to not worry much just hope for the best and the dad is also working in the field we study. They understood each other +Everything about that convo was beautiful + +And I wish I had that",Depression +48025,"Will gastric bypass improve my self esteem? I'm 6'0 tall (1,83 m) and 300 Pounds (136 kg). Therefore I am eligible for a gastric bypass procedure. The things is though, will a drastic weight loss improve my self esteem? + +Is there anybody in this group that had a gastric bypass and how do you feel?",Depression +48026,"Am I depressed and if yes why? Hello, + +I am male and twenty years old and actually I have a great life: I have great parents and a brother, I was successful in sports until my injury and I finished school very successfully a few years ago. In the meantime I have also almost finished the first part of my studies and I am successful there as well. In addition, I have a great - albeit small but fine - group of friends. + +Somehow I have been feeling weak and tired for some time now and can't really motivate myself to do anything. I think a lot, especially about the past. + +My school days were difficult at the beginning because I was bullied. I am almost highly gifted and always had difficulties to get into a really casual conversation with other people. Also, I had different interests than kids my age. After I changed schools, the situation was immediately better and I had made real friends for the first time and also developed self-worth. I just went through with school and left all the dating stuff alone, following the motto ""Will come around then, I have time"". + +At the same time, it was always difficult in my family, too. My depressed and schizophrenic grandmother hates my parents, even though she lives next door to them. The whole thing goes so far that she says things like she would rather be dead than live next to people like my parents. + +Because I moved out to study, I was able to escape this somewhat, but it still depresses me because I am her only confidant. + +Some time ago I tried dating and was only disappointed and hurt. I had not thought that rejection offends me so much. However, I have always been able to pick myself up again after recovery periods and continue. Then, about two and a half months ago, I met a girl - completely unexpectedly and unfortunately online - who completely enchanted me. And vice versa as well. She doesn't live quite nearby, but I have no problem with having to drive and it's not so far that we can't see each other every weekend. We then had together after a few meetings also our respective first kisses and now just look where the journey goes.... + +This feeling that I can actually be attractive and appealing is indescribable to me. And I have noticed how much I have always missed physical closeness the last few years, although I NEVER wanted to admit it and have always denied. + +The whole thing triggers a total existential crisis for me and throws me off track: Everything I have lived for the last few years now seems useless and disgusts me. I read my resume and am disgusted by the stringing together of courses, successes and professional experiences. I feel bad because for the last few years I've always laughed at couples for not getting the rest of their lives together. I feel bad because I've always tied my self-worth to achievement and now I see and feel that that's not actually what it's worth living for. But that it is love that one should live for. + +Am I depressed and do I need professional help? My problem is that as a future civil servant I could then have problems with the medical officer and then no civil service relationship could come about. Do you have similar experiences or tips on how I should best deal with this?",Depression +48027,"I’m living my nightmare Since I was young I saw how unhappy my parents were with their corporate jobs. From a young age I wanted to learn more about the world and see different cultures and experience different things and didn’t want to end up hating my career. + +Ever since graduation all I’ve felt is failure towards my own life. I’ll see old classmates traveling, or starting a home business and living on a beach house in Hawaii and I’m honestly super happy for them. But at the same time it hurts. + +I look to my life and see that I’ve fallen into exactly what I’ve feared most. I work a blue collar job in a factory, working long hours living paycheck to paycheck. I look back at the 16 year old kid I was and wish I could have slapped more sense into him to not worry so much about what family would think if I didn’t go the “traditional” route. If I’d just taken the steps I wanted to be who I wanted to be and not so frightened of them. + +But now I’m sitting at work at 10pm getting ready for a 12 hour shift regretting how stupid I was as a kid for letting myself be pushed away from trying something new to fall into the 9-5 (or 11-11 in my case) rhythm that my family hated so much but pushed so hard for. + +My body is tired, I just want to sleep and dream again",Depression +48028,"I'm just angry now tbh Everything and everyone annoys me and I'm annoying to everyone... Life's fun innit? Also Reddit's been depressing me. Everyone's fake to get karma, as soon as someone's honest they're eliminated. Cool.",Depression +48029,"How do you cope with jealousy? I have no friends at this point due to either my own mistakes or just things not working out. I had a falling out with my family so I'm essentially NC with them, and on top of that I recently moved to an entirely new state. I had to sell a lot of my belongings that helped me cope with my depression, such as my laptop and PS5. + +My partner is a fantastic person and the moments I get to spend with him everyday are a blessing. He has similar issues, but I insisted he kept his computer since that's his lifeline. On top of that, he has numerous social circles who adore him. + +I've been having a terrible depression spout just due to the new location and lack of socializing, and it stings when I'm awake at night sad and alone, and I hear him talking to one of his many friend groups. They play games, have fun, just hang out. He'll do this all night, and I have to sleep and wake up to him having fun. + +I asked him to keep his belongings and I love that he has friends, but I just get so upset that he has things that I just cannot have - a loving family, friends who would never replace him, games he can play - it makes me so irrevocably depressed that I just can't have those things for some reason. I have autism, ADHD and social anxiety and I try to communicate my jealousy to him but at the end of the day, it isn't his problem. I want him to be happy but I'm upset that he can do these things, which is shitty of me to even feel. + +How do I get over it? How do you even make friends when you're just a piece of shit person with no good qualities? I'm tired of being so damn lonely. What's the point of doing things if I can't even share them? I love to read and write but I'm not even motivated to do those things because I can't talk about them to anyone. + +It got so bad last night I burned myself with a lighter, took some Tylenol PM and just slept despite sleeping all day already. + +I don't know what to do.",Depression +48030,"I have been struggling with depression for around 6 years and I don't know what to do. (17 male) I have been struggling with depression on and off for the past 5 years. Practically every day I would have mood swings but the past 3 years have been terrible. Working out, eating healthy, or trying to meet new people doesn't help. I become angry easily. Though I was homeschooled and clearly have social problems, I am capable of keeping a conversation going. I don't have any friends I really hang out with, and have a total of 3 online friends with whom I interact with regularly. I have not committed suicide due to religious reasons. I have experienced loss of a loved one and have not been able to move on. I am supposed to finish GED this year, but get too frustrated of reading so much and getting answers wrong. I do not enjoy playing games or consuming media anymore. Every day feels like decay. I have considered taking anti-depressant medication, but I don't know how, and I can already tell that my parent would be strongly against the idea. I genuinely do not know how to go on.",Depression +48031,"Suffering but I don’t want to For a little context, I’ve been suffering from primary anxiety and secondary depression (as my former therapist would say). I’ve dealt with this, therapy and medications since the age of 14 (I am now 22). I am sick of it. + +I did the whole change in environment- moved 500 miles from home. While I was lucky enough to do so, a short year went by and with many significant losses, I’m back to square one. I don’t want to return to the medications or the headache of retrieving my backstory to yet another therapist. I feel defeated, I’ve worked on myself so hard these last few years. + +I read somewhere today, “depression is treatable not curable”. It hit me hard, I broke down crying recalling all my efforts. My question is how, how can we live with these mental illnesses without being pumped with drugs everyday? Or cramming therapy sessions every week to feel normal? Is it even possible?",Depression +48032,"Need advice My therapist is pushing me to come out to him and belives that this is the source of all my issues. Am not ready for that yet and I know that not all my issues exist because of this. + I want to discuss other topics/issues with him but he keeps redirecting the conversation to my orientation and I don't want to talk about that!! Am having difficulty communicating with him and I don't know what to do! My main issue is something else but he keeps focusing on this topic. +What do I do??",Depression +48033,"Unwell almost everyone I have encountered within my life has been abusive to me.. plenty of people are abusive unintentionally, but ignorance is not an excuse to neglect and/or abuse and use people. I almost think it is worse when they are not self aware, because then those people will continue to do it over and over and over again to countless others, feeling blame free. no one likes being called out as an abuser either though, so it seldom goes well when you try to bring it to light. + +*sighs* + +I become so exhausted with trying to make anyone understand me, or my feelings. half the time it is met with rejection, and the other half is self loathing for being a pitiful creature. + +more times than not, I think I deserve this.. to feel this way.. because of that thinking, I push myself into doing things I do not have energy for, interest in, things that cause me so much pain that it physically manifests and makes me ill. I lie to people and over extend myself, as long as it pleases them. I invite more abuse in, because I am certain that I deserve it. I have lost so much will to fight for myself anymore, and my sad truth is... I do not have anyone who is willing to fight for me.. + +I do not have anyone I can trust to hold up the walls when they start to collapse in. I do not have anyone that I can genuinely believe in their words, because there has never been real action to follow it. it is just me.. and I have run empty now. I do not even have steam to keep me going, just a void where I used to be. + +I have let people do such horrible things to me, because I deserve it. nightmares have haunted me for so long that, I wake up screaming or crying most of the time. I would keep inviting it too, because even abuse means someone is there keeping you alive in some way. I know I'm unhealthy, but that goes with being sick. + +I do not know what else to say.. I was just talking, but even that had fatigued me now.",Depression +48034,"I am not capable of anything and I don't know what to do anymore I don't know how to say this, I want to get this off my chest. + +I have recently been released from a psychiatry after half a year and am now at a place where I have to do almost nothing, I didn't even do anything to get there. I just have to go there in the morning and leave after 5 hours. And I am too fucking incapable of even doing this. How the fuck am I supposed to achieve anything if I already fuck up at getting out of bed. I haven't stood up on time once since I left the clinic. + +I can't talk to people, I can't not look like a damn newborn piece of shite that has no life experience at all in the public and I can't fucking do anything a normal person would without getting overwhelmed or getting exhausted. I am at my limit from basically nothing, so how am I supposed to achieve anything? I am out of school (which I barely managed to survive) and don't have much time left before I have to leave my fathers place (who is also responsible for me even having anything to do, which I don't appreciate nearly enough and who puts way too much energy into keeping me afloat) and move very far away. I don't have the motivation to wake up in the morning for anything, as it all feels unnecessary and hopeless. There aren't even people I care for, not even my parents or something. And the handful of ""friends"" I have only talk to me when no one else is available. All of my school friends stopped talking to me the moment I left school. I had a girlfriend, but I didn't feel a bit of empathy at all, which I broke to her a few months later. Now I yearn for the warmth I lost after that, which I probably won't experience ever, because I am, on top of all that, the most hideous, insecure, retarded fat piece of shit you'll ever see. + +I don't know what to do at all. I don't know who to talk to and how. I don't know if I can do this much longer, for I have no reason to do it. There is nothing that makes life worth living, as I don't have any interest or motivation for anything. I have so many problems, that I can't list here, that feel like they'll follow me to my grave. I need help. Or someone to talk to. I don't know.",Depression +48035,"Why is everything going wrong Tell me why everything is going wrong. Stop telling me it will work out and be okay. Just tell me why. Please tell me why. + +I can’t sleep, and when I do I sleep too long. I dream of pain and I wake up and feel it. The tears stain my pillows like oil, they won’t come out. I cry at everything and now I’m angry for crying. Crying doesn’t fix anything. + +Just tell me why.",Depression +48036,"I'm just tired is all. All I want is a hug, a real tight one where I can't get out off easily I want to be squeezed, my face reclined on their shoulders, ears rubbed against theirs. I yearn for a human's warmth. + +I got no one in my life right now that I can truly be open with. Stuck in an environment where I feel caged, suffocating, in desperation to grasp anyone for hugs. + +I want to lie down in someone's bed, converse with and sleep in their care. I want to feel safe, loved, and shamelessly desired. + +I've been depressed for so long, it has become a part of my life. At one point I'm smiling, then enraged, followed by desolation and despair. I'm sad, broken, alone. + +All I want is a hug, a human touch. That is all. + +Making art gives me comfort, even if it is for a fleeting moment. But besides that, I'm broken, too shattered to be pieced together. + +I don't want pity nor fake niceness. Just a genuine hug, a big bear hug.",Depression +48037,"another episode is suddenly hitting me and i dont want it to i wish i could stop it so badly i can feel an episode comingggg its fucking terrible i know how bad it will get i just want to smash my head against the wall rn, my social battery is dying out too like I CAN FEEL AN EPISODE HITTING ME AND I DONT WANT IT TO i hate it when i have depressive episodes like its just suicidal thoughts constantly and honest to god just thinking about it is eating away at me because i wish i could do anything to stop going into that fucking state. but the cycle always repeats. + +like the past 10 days i had a really bad episode and i think these previous 2 days? it somewhat alleviated and i could actually move my body and interact with people and be fucking not miserable and have MOTIVATION TO DO SHIT but now another episode will hit me and i'll return to just laying around all day, rotting away for hours. honestly fuck this its so frustrating not having any control over my god damn brain or emotions i hate it sm 😭😭",Depression +48038,"It's getting worse 19F, I've been struggling with depression for 2 years now, the main things that have been making everything worse are my family issues. My parents are going to court soon for alleged threat to kill charges and i was forced to testify against my mother. The court date is 6 days from now and I'm losing my mind, I never ever want to hurt people especially my family, I always tiptoe around them and put them before myself, but no one ever does the same for me, no one even realised the state I'm in. They only care about themselves and yet I always get blamed for their problems, worries, misfortunes, etc., I've only ever tried, I try so hard to make everyone feel safe and happy. I ran away from home, start abusing substances, lost so many people, have internal self loathing, deal with traumatising memories of getting constantly molested by my older brother, started self harming and not eating. life is a fucking cycle of everlasting pain.",Depression +48039,"Been feeling like a screwup lately.... Like I enjoy life, I'm happy at my job, but I have this lingering feeling things are going to crash down sooner or later, and I'll be the cause. I miss my ex, I just want to cry.",Depression +48040,"Disconnected I feel like a lot of people don’t understand that you don’t need a shitty life to be depressed. I definitely was born this way, disconnected from reality. Yeah there’s been a lot of shitty things that have happened to me but I have always felt this way. I’m currently in college with only a few friends that I’m not even that close with anymore. I haven’t been in a relationship in a few years. I have no motivation to do anything and I’m stuck. Medication doesn’t seem to help me so I’m just going through the motions of life. If it weren’t for my few friends and family I would have no reason to be here. It just sucks having to fake everything all the time. I’m only 21 and I have the rest of my life to deal with. I don’t even know what I look like. I’m just going through the motions and suffering in silence. I smoke weed and drink often and harm myself sometimes when I get too drunk. I have no clue what to do anymore.",Depression +48041,"Im tired I haven't eaten in almost two days, have slept 5 hours in the last 48 hours, I have no friends, and I've spent almost all of the last 48 hours crying. My eyes are all puffy and just hope no one notices (teachers, etc.) My boyfriend is mad at me cuz I don't completely trust him when we've only been together for 4 weeks. Idk what to do with my life. I got really close to attempting about 1 hour ago. But I told someone and he was super cool. He shares a lot of my pain and all ya know? This is an alt acct so dm me and I will give u my main profile user. I have this acct so my boyfriend can't see my posts about him.",Depression +48042,Điểm thi giữa kỳ của tôi như shit ấy Cảm giác được 9.8 thay vì 10 nó cay vãi cả ra.,Depression +48043,"California rocketfuel (Effexor75mg + Mirtazepine 30mg) and CBD Hey, I’m currently on 75mg effexor and 30mg mirtazepine. So far I have been taking xanax for anxiety, however I am thinking of trying CBD. Has anyone mixed these meds with CBD and that are your experiences?",Depression +48044,"i was depressed for a long time i'm not sure how to not be depressed I was depressed for a long time, since i was a kid i had an abusive family, kids bullying me and after i hit 18 and got to move out i couldn't find any girl whatsoever that wants to be with me and now i'm gonna hit 30 soon and will probably never experience any human connection. I was depressed as long as i can remember. it's the norm. i'm not sure what it feels like to not be depressed. how does happiness feels like, i'm almost scared of experiencing happiness. this world is so evil.",Depression +48045,"Tried commiting suicide twice today failed miserably Tried to cut my wrist artery with a dull ikea knife 45 mins of cutting got me nowhere, tried with a bread knife no luck, got about .5 cm deep. later that evening tried hanging my self with a vacuum electric cord, shit snapped woke up on the ground still alive, can’t do nothing right… maybe I should take it as a sign, god really wants me here I guess. Or I’m just too fat",Depression +48046,"Need help badly First off, english isn't my first language, so excuse me for the errors. +I could really use some help right now, cause I'm so lost. + +I've been drinking and smoking so much for the past few weeks, its really starting to hurt me really bad. But, I think I just lost something special. So basically, I was in a relationship with this girl for around 4 months. We hit it off real good, right from the start. We used to hang around uni together, and it felt so perfect. I had to break it off with her, since I wasnt really looking for anything serious, and she insisted on only that. Ever since the beginning, and even during our relationship, she only prioritized friendship over us. It was always friends, friends, friends for her. We said we'd balance both, but somehow she didn't do anything much about us. She also had a lot of guy friends, that made me feel so bad about, but I never got the nerve to tell her about how that made me feel. Seeing her dancing with all those guys post breakup, sparked a different kinda anger in me. I know I ended this, but I was really hoping that we would atleast stay friends. I told her how much she meant to me, and even begged her to stay. +I just ended up blocking her. Her birthday, is in a months time. Should I even bother wishing her? + +What do you think my next move should be? +Should I just let this die slowly? +Should I move on? +Is it okay for me to feel this way?",Depression +48047,"Am i worthy of love Idk man i feel like im too fucked up to be loveable anymore + +I have weird feminine mannerisms and limp wrist syndrome + +Couldnt beat porn addiction and destroyed myself so much that my dick actually seems smaller + +Trying to roll back alcoholism but instead of relapsing and actually drinking i get high off of sniffing concentrated hand sanitizer + +Sometimes i sleep on the floor and hope i die + +Very low drive to do anything",Depression +48048,"Our control, our fear, our anxiety, our stress... Why does it always have to lead to more of them? A plain and simple hi to begin + +Most of this discussion will be off the top of my head and I'll be adding my own experiences. + +To start, there are situations in life that we genuinely have absolutely no control over. I myself suffer from MDD and struggle with it on a daily basis. I take medication, I try and get out more, I see a therapist and I'm trying to find a job that would interest me. I'm constantly worried about my future and whether I want to continue or not. One thing that happens quite frequently is that I create non existent situations in my head which cause even more stress and anxiety. Once this cycle begins, it doesn't matter what it is, whether I have control over it or not, it's a nightmare to deal with this constant stress of anything that may happen. Why does this occur? Why are we as humans so unequipped to handle these challange? One could say the society we are surrounded by and what is expected of us causes a drastic change in the way we look, feel and think. To an extent this is true, but why is it so terribly exhausting and anxiety stricken to be able to even begin coping with what is going on around us. It's an obstacle I am incapable of clearing, I worry about anything and everything that involves me and those close to me. I'm consistently tired, in pain, anxious, worried and have had this heavy weight on my chest each and every minute of everyday for over 5 years. Nothing seems to change, I keep telling myself tomorrow will be different, I'll do this and that and it will all be better. But when the time comes.... I fall short, I let myself down, I let others down and most of all I continue the same cycle over and over again. Is this a situation or cycle I've made up to comfort myself as all I know is this feeling of dread and doubt and fear and anxiety, or does it truly exist and hinder me? Am I really my own worst enemy? Why am I constantly at war with myself? It feels like a never ending battle, I fight back, but I don't fight hard enough. Am I even capable of doing so? +Just what exactly is it that I'm waiting for... An idea, a person, an event or situation in my life? These consist of things I can and can't control... I feel as though I have no control over the majority of these things, which further pushes me to feel as though I have control over nothing. Why do we have to suffer the way we do? Why are our minds and body working against us? Is it not the job of our brain to keep us alive and well? It's supposed to keep us alive for as long as possible, and we even have built in ways of surviving dangerous situations, but when it comes down to the core of it, our brains are what control us. Our thoughts, our actions and feelings.... Yet its perfectly happy with the idea of us ending it...",Depression +48049,"Need advice Ok so I know I've got depression and anxiety. Recentl, past 2-3 months now I've noticed myself withdrawal from people. I work in retail and spend all day doing customer service when I get home I spend all my remaining day in my bedroom. Any ideas on what I can do to motivate myself to get moving and do something with my time? I currently feel like I wake up, work and sleep. I know that's being an adult but I feel something missing.",Depression +48050,"Should I tell my therapist about this? I (20M) have for the past 2 months been seeing a CBT therapists after struggling with mental health and depression for the last 3 years. A point that irked me was that I never could pinpoint the cause of my mental deterioration, so I assumed that my condition was just a result of an accumalation of bad experiences and circumstances in my later life. I have one week of therapy left until i am given the choice to end/contine/intensify therapy, and Ive lately been disheartened by how little they have helped. Something I never discussed with my therapist was that I believe I was sexually assaulted at age 6 by my cousin (11F) back in my home country. As far as I know, no one knows beside me and her, and she seperated from the family a while back as her mother divorced. If they did know, they may have chosen to never tell me in the hope I was too young to remember the event. The memory is so hazy that at times I question if it ever occured. Even then, I like to think of it of had having no effect on my life, but recently the memory has been surfacing more. Ive never looked back on this memory and thought of it as trauma, I have no feelings for the memory at all. But can something that I regarded as so insignificant result in symptoms many years later, or am I merely grasping at any clue to the cause for my depression. I feel sick when thinking of bringing it up to my therapist, Ive never told anyone but a very close friend of it. How vital would this piece of info be to my therapist?",Depression +48051,"I feel like I wasn't meant to be born (literally) (tw for mentions of sexual (specifically CSA), physical, and emotional abuse, incest, suicidal ideation, abandonment, grief, parental loss, and harrassment. let me know if i need to add anymore) + +not in the suicidal way (ok maybe a bit). i *LITERALLY* feel like it was against the universe for me to be born and now I'm living a waking nightmare due to going against nature + +my dad almost got in a fatal crash years before i was born and my mom had multiple miscarriages before having me + +i was born early and when they xrayed me (because i was having trouble breathing) my intestines were tied. i was quickly flown to another hospital and when they xrayed me again i was suddenly fine. + +i think this was all a warning sign + +here's why i think I'm cursed: + +since then i have been sexually abused (exclusively by different family members), emotionally abused, physically abused, neglected, got ptsd from medical malpractice, been abandoned veryvery suddenly by multiple people i have known for years, diagnosed with over 6 different mental disorders (there's probably more waiting to be discovered as well), and lost my stepdad due to a fatal accident on Christmas day 2022. + +since then his entire family has been harrassing us and trying to take his dogs from us out of purely spite. his mom thinks my mom is at fault (he had 100% brain death and my mom gave them the ok to take him off the icu) and she admitted to my mom she's trying to make me more suicidal so that i kill myself not because she has anything against me personally, but because my death would destroy my mom. + +all of the stuff i listed has taken place in a span of 9 years. each year i experienced an extreme traumatic event. I'm only 18. i never got to properly experience my teenage years. + +other random stuff i need to get off my chest and that also make me feel like I've been cursed: + +i have Premenstrual Dymorphic Disorder (PMDD). I consider it the worst out of all the other disorders i have. two weeks out of every month my body and brain torture me. when i was told at 16 im to young to legally have a hysterectomy (the only known cure for most pmdd patients) and i would have to try almost every medication for pmdd before a doctor would consider it i started sobbing. I'm still trying different medications. The current one isn't working well so far. + +i also might have to leave the place I've lived for 9 years for another country within the next 2 due to the fact I'm trans and things have been feeling more unsafe in the US as of late. what's especially difficult (and the cherry on top) is that I'm autistic so even minor changes are REALLY really hard. i also have a lot of friends and a community here. it just seems the major life changes have just been ramping up lately. I've been experiencing psychotic episodes lately due to sheer stress. + +basically I'm trying to say that whenever something good finally happens and i can rest for a second it gets taken away from me. i can't remember the last time my body wasn't slightly tense actually + +i feel like i can't tell my mom or even my friends I've had for years anything. all this trauma has left me not knowing how to emotionally open up. i feel so isolated even in a room of people i love. I've recently become emotionally and mentally unstable with my personality, morals, and behavior completely shifting in a single second. I feel like i can't trust anyone. I feel out of control. + +I feel like i have upset the universe with my existence. + +(ps don't ask me how my intestines can tie and then untie themselves i genuinely don't know. that's just what I've been told by everyone that was there. also i hope I'm ok to post this here. if not please let me know and I'll take it down. apologies if I'm not very coherent. i hope you all have a good day💖)",Depression +48052,"Am I the only one? I'm sure that many of you are looking for springtime to go out and have better mood these days, but for me everytime spring and sunny warmer days hits, my depression gets very worse, at least for a few weeks. I know about seasonal depression and spring asthenia, but I think this is another thing. Many days I need to close the courtains and stay in the darkness. Only the night is a relief for me.",Depression +48053,"I reconnected with an old friend and they asked me to marry them, I said yes. Then I woke up. Sometimes dreams are better than real life.",Depression +48054,"Death is so unfair There are many people who are happy and successful and then suddenly get into accidents or become very sick... + +And then there's me... I've been wanting to die for 12 years now.... but it never comes.",Depression +48055,I'd like to sleep my life away It's better than being conscious,Depression +48056,"I cry literally everyday. I hate life and I feel I’m not meant this world. I’m too soft, emotional and just weak… I think about why worthless my life is and how bad this world can be and I cry. I look horrible. I’m a depressed mess",Depression +48057,only thing i look foward to is getting drunk and high atleast its something,Depression +48058,"I hate this phrase People always jump to say, “suicide isn’t the answer,” but then they never tell you what the answer actually is. Like, okay I didn’t commit, what happens now? Do I sh? Do I just live life like this? What the fuck am I meant to do now?",Depression +48059,"Everytime I think of my ""future"" I just think, ""Maybe I should kms."" because it would be so much easier and so much less painful to just kms now than it would be to struggle to just survive. I listen to my cousin and siblings...they all have their life mapped out and planned. For me, I was planning on not having a future, so I never actually made a road map to success for my life. Sometimes I wonder if it's as obvious to see that as I do. + +For the longest time, I thought I would d1e before age 18, so I put off thinking about what I'd do after school. Then when I hit 18 and was still alive I just did the bare minimum to stay afloat, I kept biding my time like that hoping I'd have a spontaneous heart attack or something because of how unhealthily I treat my body. + +But yet I'm still here ... why? + +How come hundreds of thousands of people who wanted to live died at an early age, but I who want to die am still here when I've not taken care of myself in so long... why, why, why? + +I don't understand why the world is doing this to me. Even though my thoughts of death have been pretty passive, it's not like they don't affect me at all. Everytime I get my tiny paycheck and see that I don't have enough to afford more than 1 meal a day I just want to die more. All I asked for was a job that I don't hate, that pays me a wage to live on my own...back in my parents day it seemed like that was actually doable relatively easily from the stories they both tell. Why is that not the case anymore? Or is it just me? + +Again I ask, if the world wants me to live so much, than why make it so goddamn hard to actually live??? + +I'm so fcking tired of living. Nothing here is worth it. I hate this fcking world. I hate every single person on this planet. I hate my stupid job. Hate my stupid boss. I hate how everything revolves around money. I hate the society humans created. I hate myself for not just being born a normal person. + +Fck I wish someone would kill me. People die everyday, why won't someone just kill me?",Depression +48060,"All my life I'm just distracting myself from reality I hate it here. I hate myself. I'm just stuck here because I don't want to make people sad. It actually feels like my life is over, I never felt this bad before. I don't want to exist anymore.",Depression +48061,"Regular check-in post, with information about our rules and wikis Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the ""role model"" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share. + +----- + +Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can. + +We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the ""depression"" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues. + +https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support. + +YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are: + +- People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact + +- ""I'm here to help"" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The ""giving help"" wiki explains more about this. + +- Role modelling, i.e. ""achievement"" or ""advice"" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that ""internet culture"" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here. + +- Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10). + +- Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The ""what is depression"" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.",Depression +48062,"Our most-broken and least-understood rules is ""helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort"", so we've made a new wiki to explain it We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say ""PM me anytime"" in a casual social context. + +We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start. + +Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below. + +***** + +###Summary### + +**Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.** + + +""PM me anytime"" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately. + +* **By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers.** [The 1-9-90 rule](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1%25_rule_(Internet_culture\)) applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet. + +* People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. **Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good.** This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue. + +* **If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help**. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.) + +* In our observation over many years, the people who say ""PM me"" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. **There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny**. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma. + +* We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people *do* want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. **If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers.** This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning. + +* If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.",Depression +48063,"I haven’t been touched, or even hugged, in so long that I can’t even remember what it feels like… Anyone else just miss physical touch? I crave it so badly…",Depression +48064,"Being Depressed is Embarrassing I’m just so ashamed. Everyone and everything feels so far away. Every time I leave my house, I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean while watching people on the shore having a grand old time. I feel like everyone else is on a whole other plane of existence, meanwhile I’m stuck beneath the surface just trying to breathe. + +Every time I talk to someone, I have to check to see if there’s something on my face once I leave because other people don’t know what to say to me and it’s always so fucking awkward. I try so hard to appear normal, but other people see right through it. I can’t relate to anyone. I can’t talk to anyone. I try so hard but I just can’t. + +And it’s embarrassing. I feel stupid for being this way. I’ve tried so hard to fix myself and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade and the only thing that’s changed is I’m really good at talking about myself.",Depression +48065,I'm desperate for a friend and to feel loved by someone. I really need a friend. I don't even have a single best friend and I'm desperate to find true love. Please help me. No one responded to my last post. It seems like no one cares about me and my life doesn't matter. Female here just saying,Depression +48066,"Call me crazy but suicide seems rational at this point.. Hear me out... life in general sucks. We have to work the majority of our time in jobs we hate for people we don't care about to earn just about enough to live relatively comfortably. + +The majority of people are selfish assholes who only care about themselves. Me, you and 99.9% of people included whether we admit it or not. + +To me optimistic people seem mentally ill. I dint see the appeal in pretending that we're not all fucking miserable. (Also if I hear one more person talk about ""manifesting"" happiness I may be doing 25 to life) + +Tldr: if a movie sucks you would turn it off.",Depression +48067,"Could really use someone to talk to. I’m falling apart Never in a million years did I think I’d be on Reddit writing something like this but maybe this is my soul trying to find some sort of salvation from the pain. I’ve been thrown into the proverbial fire as of late & I feel like I’m just unable to get a grip on anything. + +1. My father passed away & I hadn’t spoken to him in well over 10yrs prior to his passing. He was extremely abusive to me as a child to the point or making me bleed. I am not really sad about his passing but feel many of the “what if” things in relation to a better childhood. + +2. I found out that my sister is not 100% my sister & we don’t have the same father & we both have been lied to about that our entire lives by our mother who I also don’t have the best relationship with. We did DNA tests two days ago for absolute concrete evidence of everything so now it’s a waiting game. I live in the same house as her & have been dying to get out on my own but financially am unable to at the moment due to my own disability cystic fibrosis. + +3. The girl I have been in a situation-ship doesn’t feel the same way I do about her. This one hurts me so much, honestly more in a sense than my dad passing. I feel like I’m mourning the loss of someone still alive but we are still friends & love one another. I never thought I’d catch feelings for her but here we are. We have a beautiful friendship , the sex is great & we have so many great laughs & moments. She’s been such a bright spot in my dark times lately. I wanted to see if we could give things a real try but she just doesn’t feel how I do. This now is breaking my heart & don’t know how to navigate it. I don’t want to just get rid of her as a friend, I genuinely care about her. She is fine with continuing what we are doing but I’m not sure I can do that right now with how I feel about her. + +Everything is just compounding ontop of eachother & I feel like I’m suffocating. My appetite is shot, I feel restless where I feel like I’m going crazy & I’ve been having very dark thoughts & find humor in self harm jokes to myself & my close friends. + +Maybe this is a cry for help, maybe I’m trying. I’m not sure. But if anyone reads this & has advice or a heart to be here for me I would love & cherish your kindness. Thank you .",Depression +48068,"Can i rant to someone?? You can rant in return!! Hi!! + +I want to preface by saying, i’m sorry, because i know this is completely and totally selfish of me to ask. + +There’s a million things i want to say or express, but i feel like i can only do it with someone who understands. Or at the very least, someone who isn’t directly involved. + +I’m sorry, i don’t want to be a burden, but that’s what i’m asking, i think. If there’s any chance some lovely amazing person would let me burden them, just for a bit, i would appreciate it with my whole heart (or whatever is left of it aha)",Depression +48069,"I don’t want to care about being alone I’m 40(M) and I’ve always maintained that I’m too ugly for women and that hasn’t changed. Then my not long ago my therapist talked me into using a dating app to get experience to chatting with women and to get over fears of rejection. + +I didn’t like the idea but I did it anyway. Well I think it is fair to say that it was the final straw, because the only women who were (allegedly) interested were women in foreign countries, sure they were highly educated (they claimed) and quite a few of them were not bad looking but I zero matches from us women. + +Long story short, I was talking to this female doctor in the Dominican Republic and most of our conversations had to be done with google translate because she didn’t speak much English. Well after a while I realized that this was going nowhere and I politely told her that we needed to go our separate ways and unmatched her. + +A few days later I decided that enough was enough, I think it’s beyond reasonable doubt that I’m too ugly and need to just embrace being alone for life. But my brain won’t let me, I keep having to remind myself to not go back to the app, to just find ways to help people and be content alone but again my mind keeps obsessing about being alone so that I find myself needing to vent several times a day and it’s pathetic. + +I have proof that I’m hopelessly ugly, among other things and need to just stop thinking about it and embrace being alone and stop caring. I don’t want to care anymore, I want to happy and content with my life.",Depression +48070,"Hope is just a form of self-harm I used to get through my life by believing in the delusion that things were all going to work out one day and I’d find my place in the world. Now I realize that all I’ve accomplished through this is to prolong my suffering. Every day of my life is pain and misery and nothing else, and it will always be that way. I cannot fucking believe that this is what life is, but I guess I just got unlucky. Some people get to have loving parents, close friends, romantic partners, and a career they enjoy that makes them enough money to live on. And some of us get none of those things. We get left to rot in shitty minimum-wage jobs, ignored by all the girls or boys in school, treated like shit by everyone who was supposed to care about us. We get nothing and yet we’re expected to be grateful for a life empty of everything that makes it worth living. So I think I’m done with all of this nonsense. I haven’t planned my way out yet but I think this is where my story is going to end. I can’t imagine a future where I’m happy and I won’t bother trying anymore.",Depression +48071,I can't seem to accept positivity I can never truly believe someone when they say something positive about me. I feel like shit for not believing them but I just cant. I always think they are just fucking with me and they don't actually mean it. Because come on nobody would sincerely say that type of bullshit about me. I don't like thjs,Depression +48072,"I don't wanna try anymore I'm a 25 year old man who's never had a girlfriend or sex in his life and since yesterday I decided to give up trying. I have a very good life, amazing family and friends that understand and support me no matter what I do, I have a job that I enjoy and coworkers I get extremely well along with. I don't consider myself ugly, I think I'm just mid. I nurture many passions, am very extroverted and outgoing, and I believe I'm quite smart, but especially in these last 3 years I've been feeling extremely hollow and sad, and the reason why is no matter what I do or how much I keep improving myself, I seem to have no luck with girls. Yesterday I went out with this great girl I met in university 2 years ago, which I've been texting on and off with. I thought she had interests in me since she was the one asking me out, but as I later found out in the day she had been seeing this guy for about a month where she is studying. I promised myself to go into that ""date"" with no expectations but of course there was hope things would go well. However, as per usual, I had to go back home and cry myself to sleep for the 100th time and I'm just tired of this endless repeating cycle. +People who've had at least one relationship in their life will never get the pain.",Depression +48073,"my depression keeps getting worse, and i want to stop pushing away the people i love. 20M + +I feel like im slowly decaying. My mind slips; i cant remember much anymore, i have no desire to do any fun activities anymore; at least not the ones that ive done already (which is just about everything). I have all the desire in the world to get better, but no motivation. I can honestly feel myself getting worse each month. I noticed that i become a little more sad and unmotivated over time, and i really cant seem to stop it from progressing. It feels like a disease. + +My life just feels like im in limbo every day. I wake up, do the same thing all day that ive done a million times this week, then wait until my insomnia decides to let me sleep. At night i get into depressive episodes that lead to panic attacks, which fill my head with intrusive thoughts that i would never think normally. Its nothing horrifying or disturbing, but they really bother me. Its like the voice in my head wants me to be sad on purpose. + +The thought that really bugs me the most, the reason for making this post in the first place, tells me to push people away. Not really in that exact manner, but i question if i can really feel anything towards the people who are close to me. Everyone is normally completely fine, but not during my episode. It makes me feel like a completely different person. It makes me wonder if i really love my girlfriend and if id be better off alone. Its similar for my friends. Im fine with them normally, but during my episodes, they annoy me and i feel like i want to stop talking to them. But after i go to sleep and wake up, everything is back to normal. I love my girlfriend, and i like my friends. This thought didnt start happening until this month. I never used to want to push people away because ive always been the lonely type who wants more friends, and i always hated being alone, and i still do; which is how i can tell that im getting worse. Im just not me anymore, im a completely different person than the one i used to know. + +The other thoughts are just pessimistic jabs at my future, and general sadness questions. Wondering if im ever going to live a stable life, or if im going to feel happy and content ever again, or if i will continue to be a failure forever. I always have to remind myself that it has to get better eventually, and i cant feel like this forever, but most times its hard to convince myself. I cant remember the last time i didnt feel terrible. Im not suicidal, i dont have a desire to stop living, and dont even get thoughts about it whatsoever. But these episodes make it really difficult to be a living, functioning person. + +I need to know how to stop thinking this way when i start to feel hopeless. I know i probably need a therapist or psychiatrist to help me professionally, but im afraid of them.",Depression +48074,"What is this feeling...is this depression? me M(19) single i have good, supportive , loving,parents a sister that i love good friends (tbh could'nt ask for more ) i go out with friends , i goo to gym daily ,play video games ,i play sports and that moment i enjoy those things but when iam alone ,by myself (for example in shower or taking a bus ride from school to home )deep down i feel sad , empty and kinda lost its like someting is missing i have every thing a teenager could ever ask for but iam not happy in a way though .......cant find what is this plz some one tell me what is this feeling that comes up every npw and then?",Depression +48075,"This is unbearable As the title states I cannot handle living or my mental state any longer. I am 22 and since I was a kid I have been bullied a lot throughout the years. The past few 4-5 years I have not experienced bullying but extreme loneliness. I have tried everything to make friends and get a life but everything is unsuccessful. I was never able to talk to girls either but somehow 3 years ago I met one and we fell in love but we broke up recently and a lot due to me not having a life and being able to make friends but during this time she was the only thing motivating me to keep going. We promised each other to always remain friends and we did for a while but 1 month ago she cut of all contact with me after some fights and disagreements. I have tried getting her back as a friend by she just ignores a my texts. I was already severely depressed the past few months about my loneliness and this just made it even worse. I hate when people say it always becomes better, even though I want to believe it and I did for a while I can’t anymore because it has been disproven my entire life. I don’t see a future where anything will become better and I don’t see any solutions any longer, everything feels hopeless and I view myself as useless and pathetic. I get panic attacks constantly during the day and I can’t take it anymore. I just want to disappear and not have to feel this any longer. I know that no one would notice if I disappeared and it would not impact anyone’s life that much. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore. I hate my life.",Depression +48076,Alcohol + caffeine + serotonin deficiency = Normal. Damn I can actually express emotions and feel a sense of positivity.,Depression +48077,"Life is depressing I’m pretty sure this has been posted a million times here before. But I just feel like I’m done with life and I’m only 24, and no matter what it is I’m doing I’m either feeling anxious or depressed as they do come hand in hand. I don’t enjoy hanging out with family or friends, I’d rather be alone but when I’m alone and at home I feel useless and depressed. I’m too tired to even explain in detail but I’m sure you all know this feeling. And I do know the steps to get out of this rut but that effort needed is draining itself … people that don’t go through this are so lucky. I’m just feeling numb and depressed and I don’t wanna do anything about it.",Depression +48078,"I am past my expiration date. I have been severely depressed since I was in elementary. I am in college now. I never intended to make it this far. I truly didn’t see myself making it past 16. And now here I am, years later, wasting away because I didn’t plan for this. + +I don’t know what stopped me. My life feels so disposable right now. I have no job prospects after I graduate next year. No experience under my belt. No passion in what I’m studying or doing with my life. There is nothing in the long run that’s keeping me here. + +I want to believe it’s the people in my life but the happiness they give me is only temporary. I can’t depend on them forever to keep me up. I can no longer support myself. I have nothing. + +I never sought professional help because I don’t have the resources to. No money, no proper insurance, no support from family. Nothing. I am so lost and scared. I really need help. I just don’t know what to do anymore.",Depression +48079,"Don’t know what to do I may cuss I’m sorry if I do that’s what the nsfw is for. Anyway so I’ve had a job as a cook for the last year about. They overlooked the. Tiny musical note tattoo that’s on my face to hire me. Then new manager comes thru and I’m gone same day. Cause it’s company policy no facial or hand tattoos. I have both. They still hired me and I was told many times in their hardest worker. Anyway. Along with that my moms sick she has a few terminal illnesses. And I don’t have any friends anymore cause I got fired. No one has even asked how I’m doing of those ex coworkers. I have a job interview today. But I can’t get out of this funk like I cannot get out of my own head that this is just what I deserve for the things I did when I was younger. I just deserve to suffer and somewhat loath myself. I kicked a drug habit and moved and yea being sober is actually awesome. But, being lonely like so lonely that I got love money scammed out of most of my savings. That desperation of wanting just a friend just not to be alone forever. Not to hate every thing about myself everyday when I wake up and have to look myself in the mirror. If this breaks rules I apologize I read them and didn’t see anything bad about this post. I just need help I don’t know what to do anymore. I also have other disorders and circumstances that make me getting this help much much more difficult.",Depression +48080,"I am so ugly that it is ruining my life. Please help me. + +I am so exhausted. For as long as I can remember, probably from about 5 years old, I have been hideous. + +I was an extremely shy kid and had selective mutism, so I was always self conscious. I just can’t remember not being this way. When I started elementary school, kids would constantly comment on my looks. They compared me to skeletons, zombies, and dead bodies. The few friends I had were told “Don’t be friends with her, she’s too ugly for you, you can do so much better.” I wasn’t allowed to sit with anyone in the cafeteria in middle school and I had to stay in the library away from everyone. People left notes in my locker calling me all sorts of names. In high school people just ignored me and I was so lonely. Then at home my parents would occasionally get angry and call me a lazy pig. + +I know people have had it worse, so the worry of me being too dramatic makes it even more unbearable. + +I’m going to graduate college soon. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, any men have just taken advantage of me. However I am extremely lucky to have a few supportive friends who have tried to help me. + +Since less people actively hurt me nowadays, I expected this to get better. But if anything it’s getting worse. My nose is crooked, my lips are uneven, one of my eyes is smaller than the other. I have crooked teeth despite constantly wearing my retainer. My skin is horrible and I have this weird skin discolouration resembling a mustache that I have never been able to get rid of. + +I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been to therapy, I have tried body neutrality, meditation, anything you can think of. Nothing helps. I spend my days obsessing over my looks and my nights crying myself to sleep. I alternate between staring at myself for hours trying to figure out what I did to deserve to be this ugly, to having to shower in the dark and avoiding mirrors because I can’t stand to look at myself. It is utterly exhausting to hate myself this much. + +I know deep down looks aren’t everything. But being pretty would be so much easier. I don’t understand why I was dealt these cards, why I have these disgusting genes. I know other people suffer from this, but they all have redeeming qualities. I am a monster. And I need to be beautiful. I can’t stand anything else anymore. + +I’m sure this post is all over the place and I apologize, it’s just another one of those nights that I can’t even think straight because I’m so preoccupied with hating myself. I’ve come on Reddit as a last hope because I don’t know how to move on from this. If anyone has any advice or suggestions about what to do please let me know. I’m begging for any relief.",Depression +48081,I can't focus at all on anything it just took me 3 hours to read and understand 30 slides of my lecture in a course that i wanted to do. I have no clue how to get this done until my exam,Depression +48082,I hate myself I hate myself and I don’t even know why at this point. I just hate myself and I wish I was someone else. I don’t know who I want to be I just don’t want to live this life anymore.,Depression +48083,"My doctor just prescribed me anti-depressants and i dont know what to do So im in therapy right now and i really enjoy it. I need my doctor to fill out a document so my insurance will pay for my therapy. +I alreasy got diagnosed with depression so thats what i told my doctor. +He just asked about how much time i woulf spend on my smartphone (?) and that thats the reason why im depressed. +And tbh i didnt corrected him because i didnt felt comfortable from the start to talk to this man, who i see about 1 time a year, about my mental health. + +After that he just prescribed me without anything anti depressants?! Says i schould just take them and im totally overwhelmed with the situation. Schould i?",Depression +48084,Vitamin c deficiency? Anyone had vitamin c deficiency and how long did it take for supplementation to affect depression?,Depression +48085,"Ever feel like you've been depressed for so long, you can't imagine not being depressed? I've been told have this or that personality trait but all I see in myself is emptiness.",Depression +48086,"Please someone help me I lost my mind over a girl. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. All of my ""friends"" are choosing her over me. I have no one here to support me. I don't know what to do. She is driving me insane. I just feel like life is not worth it. I have nothing to live for. Please, someone help me. I'm losing my mind over this. How do I stop thinking about her. Please, anything will help.",Depression +48087,"Was feeling very low and went for one hour tantra massage. Was feeling very low , not feeling like working and sleeping most of the time , feeling worth less and very lonely... wasn't able to deal with it. + +Then i went for a Tantra massage for an hour , + +I felt touched, someone is making effort to make me happy... Touch of a skin on my body was triggering happy hormones... Finally i was on receiving end , getting nacked in front of someone is kinda of excepting who and what you're, no body shaming. + +It's not an optimal or ethical solution but for time being... I am feeling happy and high sprit. + +I want to know/ check with my fallow group members... Have you been to this situation any time and what you did ? + +Is that a right or wrong move? + +I haven't done it in past . + +Note: No kind of sex was involved in it or any orgasms/ ejaculation.",Depression +48088,"I am working myself to death, purposely. Autistic with ADHD. 37, No family of my own or relationships, moved back with aging parents because isolation became too much to the point I started planning my suicide. + +I have nothing in my life but work, my job pays the bills. And after I finish my 9-5, I work on a couple of projects that are both artificially keeping me alive because they give me some goal or purpose but at the same time are killing me because between my job and this I spend around 14 hours a day frying my brain in front of a computer. + +I used to be in shape, but I have relinquished that part of me as well since it serves no purpose anymore. I gave up on relationships, dating and love, and it is a waste of time and effort since I invest that energy on my projects or resting, and well my best years are behind me and entropy is doing its thing anyway. + +This past week I had a terrible migraine but I pushed through, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have an aneurysm or something soon.",Depression +48089,"My mum and me had a physical fight/argument last night and I'm scared Throw away account for this. Myself M15 almost turning 16 had a fight with my mum yesterday and it got physical. I can't exactly remember who hit first but it got to the point that hands were on one another and spitting was involved. My mum had been charged 50 dollars for something on her credit card and I had asked her to buy something for 10 dollars. It turns out the currency was off on the thing I wanted to purchase. She then bought it up to me and to me it seemed like she was yelling. I have always been quite sensitive to yelling and I always take it really personally. After we had the conversation, mid way through I went to my room and locked it so I could breath because I was really stressed out. She then came from the living room into my room, bashing the door open and breaking my lock, breaking my door as well, it fell of the hinge. She came into my room while I was crying and was yelling at me. I told her to get out with swearing involved because I was really stressed out and upset. She then wouldn't and she kept getting right up into my face as if she was going to start throwing hands at me. I then was starting to involve talks of myself going to hurt myself, she then said that she doesn't know what I was on about and got really defensive. I then said can you just give me 5 minutes to breath and then I will come speak with her, after going back and forward for about 15 minutes she finally left me alone and I shut my door and dragged my dresser in front of it. I then had a full on panic attack for a solid 15 minutes and I could barely breath and I was smacking my head onto my wall and on my desk. She then came back to my room after she had sit in the lounge and listen to it all happen while she was sitting there watching TV. She came back and was back into a calm state herself which is quite a normal thing for her and she came in my room and comforted me. I kept breaking into tears while she was talking to my cat. After the situation she calmed me down after about 30 minutes of a continued panic attack. + +&#x200B; + +Today I feel really scared still, although she said that she was sorry for it. I still feel really scared to be around her and I feel really sick after she spat on me and I am hurting still really bad after she hit me. + +&#x200B; + +I am currently on Setrona, anti-depressant, and I have been diagnosed with depression and I also have an anxiety disorder. I also have really bad trust issues and this has really ruined my trust with her. I am absolutely shattered and I have no idea what to do.",Depression +48090,I don’t know what’s wrong with me I am sad. Permanently. I don’t know why. I have a family and a good job. I tried psychotherapy but I didn’t feel good after the sessions. I cried a lot. I also tried meds and I didn’t feel good taking pills. I tried different meds and still no effects. I put a lot of effort into my mental health… What else can I do? I don’t want to suffer.,Depression +48091,Noodle arms 🫠 / Skinny Shaming With hot weather approaching.. can’t necessarily wear a hoodie anymore. I hate my noodle arms. I’m 140 lbs 5’11 (yes skinny af I know). I want to start working out but have 0 motivation. Too anxious to go to a public gym. I constantly get skinny shamed. Things like “you need to eat a cheeseburger” “well if you’d eat you’d gain weight” “your skinny as a pretzel” “skin and bones” “skeleton” etc etc. I could go on for days with the amount of things people have said about me being skinny. I’m over it. I have a super fast metabolism and I literally eat 3-5 meals plus snacks a day. I’m just so tired of being skinny and being shamed for it. I feel like a lump of bones with skin. At least people have convinced me that’s all I am…,Depression +48092,"Why can't my mom see that I'm depressed? Hello + +I've been having this issue for years now and it seems to make everything worse than it should be. + +I've been trying to reach out for help for 7 years now (I'm 21 now). I've been trying to tell my mom what's happening, telling her why I can't seem to get out of bed for days on end sometimes, telling her that I need help, and everytime the conversation happens it feels like she finally gets what I'm saying. She never does. Everytime she gets upset at me she asks why I'm always in bed, why a person my age is always tired and never really doing anything or going anywhere, and Everytime it just makes me feel both worse and insane. I've straight up told her that I've thought/attempted suicide before and all she had to say was ""oh really?"" in a tone that suggested that I didn't have it hard enough to do that. + +I don't understand why she keeps doing this, why she keeps asking me what's wrong when I've told her a thousand times. It's making me feel like I'm making everything up, that I'm going crazy. If anyone went through something like this and has some tips or anything that could help, please please tell me. I don't know what to do at this point, I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.",Depression +48093,"need help with SSRI nausea I was wondering if anybody has had nausea with one SSRI but not with some other one? + +I am taking Zoloft and nausea is pretty bad, even with the one half of 50 mg tablet. I dont know if switching SSRIs would be beneficial or this side effect would remain the same? + +What is interesting is that I have taken Zoloft 15 yeras ago with absolutely no issues at at all, and now I feel like I am taking a poison. I don't understand this at all. + +Thanks!",Depression +48094,"there is no day when I don't want to die So, I can't anymore. I didn't think I would get here. I hope it won't be a long post. Thank you in advance. +F(26) I've always been the soul of the party, the kind of person you love to be around. Always joking, with super positive energy. Few people know what I'm like in my spare time, and that in fact there isn't a day when I don't wish to die. +If someone can understand that I feel alone since I was little. I have always sought to be seen, appreciated, respected. +My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. Since then, the relationship with my father has not been, because he is the most lying person I know. All my life he just promised me things and never kept his word. Now he has his family, which he does not take care of. Her children live with him, but they actually live like I did. My mother was always away in another country. He tried to compensate for the fact that all his life he ran after the perfect man and thus he neglected me. He never chose me. To want to move together to do something new 2. She chose men who, I'm sorry, did to her. And I had to grow up with my grandparents. With my grandfather always beating my grandmother. I saw all kinds of arguments, fights, scandals and everything that a child should not see. I always grew up with words like ""you're not good for anything, you don't know how to do anything, you're like my mom, you're like tactu"" My mother has 2 brothers, who are super narcissists. That they gave me a juice when I was younger ""they raised me"". Grandma raised the men of the family as if everything was theirs. And my mother and I always had to do everything. From food, cleaning, money... Everything. No, they are men and we are women. Ever since I was little, I used to fight with everyone, because I was always different. I don't consider that my purpose is to find a man, to have a child and that's...as my family wants. I always wanted more. Because of this, my jobs were not exactly easy either. I was a team leader at 19, and it still wasn't enough, although no one in the family did more than me... +My grandfather died 2 years ago, and since then the family fell apart even more. My mother left again to another country, after her boyfriend who is my age and treats her worse than anything.. and I stay at home with my grandmother, who is also mean. +I tried everything, to meditate, to go to a psychologist, to stop thinking about all the things. Anything... +I feel alone, abandoned. As everyone sees their life, I remain here behind, worthless, with nothing. I have nothing. Not a day goes by that I don't think I want to die... Thank you.",Depression +48095,i want to die put a bullet in my head my depression is leaking out to people. they all know I'm in a bad mood. i hate myself. i don't want to exist. kill me.,Depression +48096,my voice is soo deep how to improve In childhood i had a great voice but after puberty it became very deep. Now iam 20 yo male. The voice is so deep that i have to put lot of effort to be heard in a place which has any background noise. My friends also point out that its too deep. I wish my voice had more sharpness/pitch. I want my voice to be heard and it to sound pleasant.,Depression +48097,"I need to tell someone I have to tell someone, I have to live if I can't talk to someone I know I'll die soon. I need advice or inspiration to tell my friends. Please I can't die.",Depression +48098,I started to hate myself I am 31 I soon to be 32. I studied two bachelors's degree consequently to escape working. Now i realize that i destroyed my future. I have never planned my future. I am currently mooching off from my elder brother and my mother. I am also now in deep depression. I am so insecure and have zero confidence that it takes massive amount time to open a thread and make a comment. I realize that I have missed so many thing in my life and hate myself for it.,Depression +48099,"I don’t enjoy being awake or alive I find it tedious, wake up with nothing to do, no reason to be alive, all the goals seem meaningless. What’s the point of going to bed if I just wake up again to feel the same, empty, sometimes I don’t even wish for a gf or anything of the sort, just someone to talk to, I find them and three things happen, I either push them away because I’m not good at anything else, they loose interest, or just leave, but almost every time I fuck shit up.",Depression +48100,"Feel hopeless I know, deep down I know that I have problems, that I have depression. But the loudest majority of my mind says it's all fake. That I just need to get a hold of myself and I'll be better but I don't so it's just my fault. I feel so scared to even say anything to anyone. I'm not the sad one. I'm not supposed to be sad. How can I be a halfway decent role model for my younger brothers if I've spent all my adult life jobless and friendless at my parents house. I feel like such a phony in every sense. Just keeping the mask on for everyone around me and then crying in bed when I'm alone. Even when I try to make friends online I'm ignored or get overwhelmed just trying to message someone. I feel so small and broken but I have to be the older brother. What am I supposed to do just leave them with our awful parents? It's not like I'd have anywhere to go anyway, they probably haven't kicked me out because I clean the place and raise their kids. I'm 23 and it feels like my life will end before it will ever begin and I'm too scared to even admit it to myself. I don't even know where to begin with therapy. Kind words are appreciated I just. I just need something to help me feel not as worthless as I do right now.",Depression +48101,"I Have To Stay Alive Three people keep me alive: Mom, Dad, and my friend and landlord (until he makes it on Broadway.) One day the parents will die, and my landlord will have a big hit on Broadway, and I will no longer need my heart, lungs, brain, etc. Just won’t need it anymore.",Depression +48102,"Feel like a loser because of how broke I am at almost 30 years old I'm 28 right now and I graduated from college in the Fall 2017 with a bachelors degree in psychology and after realizing I wasn't going to do much with that degree as I've completely lost interest in that field. Since 2018, I have been working as a part-time student advisor making less than $20k annually as I was very undecided about the direction my life was going to go and it was like this for 2 years until I decided to return to college to take prerequisite courses for graduate school so that I can get into a data science graduate program. + +I'm currently in my program right now and I have been keeping a 4.0 GPA and this gives me a lot of hope but I've noticed that some of my friends (including my love interest) make much more money than I do and have their own places. My love interest told me that I will eventually get out of my situation and we still had very passionate sex when I last visited him and we exchanged our gratitudes for each. + +But its like, I'm very disappointed at myself for allowing myself to be where I am today. If I had known from the beginning just how much my socioeconomic status would affect my prospective friendships/relationships, I would have taken things more seriously and considered a field that was more lucrative when I was an undergrad.",Depression +48103,"i dont want meds my doctor is talking about a counsellor referral and meds (ssri’s). i dont want to take meds, im scared of the side effects and such, especially when stuff like weight gain and low libido are super common side effects. i know if i experience that i will become so much worse (because i have experienced that). can i be better with just counselling or will i need medicine? im sorry if this is silly , i don’t know anyone who’s on them i have no one to turn to",Depression +48104,"I dont knwo what to do anymore I used to hurt myself with a purpose but now i do it just because, wondering if one day I’ll be able to bring it to a point of no return because i feel so pathetic for hurting myself without a purpose atleast if i try to commit suicide theirs a purposw but for some reason i dont wanna die but i do and its so hard to explain. I either care to much or not at all, im so angry all the time its like the moment i feel anything negative ir turns into anger and i hurt everyone around me and the worst thing about it is i have a small circle of people that care and i wish they didnt so it was easier to live with the way i feel. I don’t have any friends though but i ruined those friendsships, somedays i care and somedays i dont. But i dont have anyone to talk to so thats why im writing here and im not sure what im looking for by doing this so what is the point really. I dont know 😔",Depression +48105,"I need to know if this would be a painless way to go im not depressed i dont think i just have some really big problems going on and i hate my life so much, I really want to die but I don't want to feel pain or anything cos that would suck, so I was thinking would a lethal overdose on some sort of drug be painless or would it hurt?",Depression +48106,Where can I get some guidance? I feel so empty and I just don’t know where to turn now.,Depression +48107,Something I don't hear talked about a lot is how dysfunctional functional depression is It's like you feel like you're doing things but then anytime anything doesn't work how it should it creates internal chaos with 0 way of processing without a breakdown. Or maybe it's just me.,Depression +48108,Fuck this I’m trying so hard to better myself and not feel so fucking depressed but it’s hard when it feels like you have no support and nobody seems to understand. It’s hard enough having a fucked up mental but now you add everything else going on and it feels like a lot of things are just so insignificant,Depression +48109,"My every day battle +I’m constantly battling with myself, day after day, I’m kinda get sick of beating myself up over not being good enough for me…. I’m working hard, but I don’t feel like I’m working hard enough on myself even the way I feel like I need to. + +I’ve gotten off my meds, but sometimes it feels like a relapse. It’s made my taste in music change, things I used to love I don’t enjoy anymore- friends: I don’t really connect with many anymore even the people I used to see I don’t see any more. My connections seem to be gone. + +The constants in my life there is maybe 4 of; my job, my family, my friends and where I live. Emotionally I’m not well. Physically I’m doing better so one thing at a time I guess. + +Fighting with myself I don’t want to do it constantly.",Depression +48110,"I wish I could get hit in the head and forget my past I just don’t really care anymore I guess. I just hope I get some brain injury so that it causes memory loss or something a long those lines. + +Dying doesn’t sound so bad either honestly but forgetting would be way better. Then I could function again and be happy hopefully.",Depression +48111,"Got laid off, and can't even enjoy the free time My friends are telling me to travel or do fun things while I hear back from the jobs I've applied to, but how can I? I'm anxious about not having a paycheck. I have no drive to do anything other than apply to jobs. I have all this free time now and even when I can't focus on job applications I'm too depressed to do anything I would actually enjoy. + +Well, I still enjoy doing yoga so not all is bleak, but that's pretty much all I have the energy to do. + +I've lost all the creativity and passion I used to have for making art, and my friends are all still working full time so I don't really have anyone to hang out with until they get out of work. I know I'm going to regret this time once I'm back to working full time and having limited time off, but I don't know how to experience joy right now.",Depression +48112,"Cavei minha própria cova Eu tenho 18 anos, e nunca soube o que eu queria exatamente da minha vida, sempre tive minhas ideias, mais não pretendia chegar a os meus 18. +Eu comecei a me cortar com 16, quando a pandemia começou, eu não sei oq estava fazendo e logo minha mãe percebeu e me levou ao psicólogo, eu fiz terapia e tomei remédios pata melhorar. Infelizmente descontinuei minha medicação, de antidepressivo e sonífero por não ter dinheiro, e acabei tendo a pior ou melhor ideia possível. Tentei me suicidar com 17, e serio, eu nunca pensei que minha vida chegaria onde chegou, pq mesmo eu tentando melhorar, eu ainda achava que era ruim alguém como eu poder se sentir feliz mais uma vez. +Eu sobrevivi, mais a troco de que? Eu não tenho nada para fazer aqui, e eu sou uma inútil, pq logo eu teria uma segunda chance? Só digo que quanta mais eu pioro, mais me vem a ideia de que eu não quero morrer, eu mereço, mais não quero. Eu esperaria, se soubesse que tem algo pra mim no futuro. +Vejo meus antigos colegas de escola indo trabalhar, fazendo faculdade e criando uma família, mais eu ainda sou uma garota de 16. Que não cresceu, que não cresce com o tempo. A ideia que eu tenho é que eu já morri, mais estou tentando alcançar a luz, a luz da minha cova, que eu mesma cavei, eu deveria estar morta, pq eu ainda insisto em querer viver?",Depression +48113,"my life probably going downhill starting today I cut myself today, i saw the wound that i inflicted on myself, had my very first panic attack and now i still feel nauseous +I dont even feel real anymore, no one talks to me and at the same time i cant talk to anyone because of this goddamn social anxiety shit its been 3 years and i still havent changed one bit. The school work is piling up and im so tired of trying to get through every single week, i promised myself to get into guitar so i can be proud of myself for once but i dont even have the motivation to learn. Im fucking stupid and if my classes werent mostly in google meet then i would have failed school already. I feel so pathethic and if i talk to my best friend about my loneliness she would just say ""its because you don't talk!"" I know she says that as a joke but it hurts me every single time, it makes me feel incapable, it makes me feel like its my fault and i already believe that. If my suicide attempt worked then i wouldve been gone for 3 years. God everyday i wish to get hospitalized or get hit by a fucking car already, i just want a break from all of this.",Depression +48114,"Didn’t expect myself to live this long? Now what? My depression started fairly young into my pre-teen years, therefore it was really difficult to envision a future for myself, and if I’m being honest, I never expected to live past 18. + +Now I am approaching my mid-20’s and I’m just now realizing how much self-sabotage this has caused me. I feel so far behind in life now, I didn’t care about my studies back then, or my social life, or my finances, or my skillset or even experiences. I just let things pile up and I now burn out easily because of it. I enrolled back into college but can’t power through it. + +I’m currently just rotting in bed all day, hoping I find the strength one day to just tackle my abandoned life head on. I’ve tried cutting off all my addictions but I just end up sleeping all day when I do. A part of me does want to get better, I’m letting down my gf and my studies(again). If anyone happens to have guidance or words of encouragement please reach out…",Depression +48115,All my friends are in jail and I'm thinking of crashing out Im in a certain blood set and most of my friends are in jail. I myself was thinking of going to jail too. I don't value myself. I joined the set because I was protecting someone close to me from another gang because they threatened to hurt them. I'm going to accept the consequences if I carry out the mission on my own but it does suck. My best friends are Gone possibly forever. My day ones. I still have a couple around but it's not the same you know. No female can replace a bond between my friend group. They were my niggas lol but yeah I'm only 18 and kinda willing to throw my life away already. My heart feels so cold everyday. From drug addiction to doing shit in the streets. From being abandoned at a young age to being homeless with my family. From people always looking down on me and the darkness I surrounded myself with. I despise humans besides my best friends and my family. I hate people. I'm ready to go I really don't care if I live or die. It's crazy because even my therapist told me at a young age I'd be a threat to society anyways. I'd be afraid to admit she was right. Materialistic things don't matter to me. I feel as if almost my only purpose is living for my gang. I don't feel happy ever. I just hate everyone and everything. I'm ready to go. I miss my friends. goodbye.,Depression +48116,I wish my brain would leave me alone Just stop with the negative thoughts and feelings. Just leave my mind in peace for once. Leave me alone.,Depression +48117,"I’ve finally cried sober for the first time in years My dad died in 2018 when I was 16, and since then I’ve been pretty much emotionally numb. Lately I’ve been starting to feel hints of emotions but they’re usually fleeting. I just cried today after being depressed about ending up alone on Friday night. I couldn’t stop looking at pictures of my dad and crying. I miss him so much I just want to talk to him. It hurts so badly to know I’ll never get that chance again. Can someone tell me it’ll all be ok? + +Sorry for bad grammar and everything I just really don’t care rn.",Depression +48118,Is serotonin syndrome painful? How painful is it and what are the chances of dying from it,Depression +48119,"I'm so tired of trying to be okay. When I don't exercise regularly, my mental health takes a nose dive. When I don't push myself to go into social settings and interact with others, especially friends, semi-regularly, my mental health takes a nose dive. When I don't push myself to switch up my routine, it happens and it happens when I have no routine. It happens when I don't get enough sleep, when I don't spend enough time outside and the list goes on. It's exhausting. And while a lot of these habits/things are enjoyable in the moment, once I push past my ""but I don't wanna"" inner toddler brain, I'm so sick of having to do so much all the time just to maintain ""okay"".And truth be told, lately, I haven't. Life has been unnecessarily shitty and I've had to make so many decisions and compromises on big things like my job and living situation that I crumpled. And I know working out would make a much bigger difference to my mood right now than writing this post, but I'm sick of everything. Why does life insist on being such a shit show? + +Update: After writing this, briefly texting with a redditor, who was kind enough to reach out to ask if I'm okay and feeling my feelings for a bit (aka crying), I put on my workout clothes and got it over with. It didn't do much right then and there, but I also went to bed on time, to get a proper night's rest and I woke up feeling a little better. So, up and onwards I go until the next time I veer off track managing myself. Because there really isn't an alternative. I know how low I get, when I throw in the towel and don't pick it back up again quickly enough. ",Depression +48120,"dealing with depressikn How’s anyone else make riding out their depression spells easier? + +(outside of meds, therapy, and other medical treatments. just day to day, esp when any energy you may have had is long since gone, and in that fun start of numbness)",Depression +48121,"Should I focus on my mental health first or my academic studies ? I am a Med student who is struggling a lot with anxiety and depression, I haven’t went to a therapist yet but I am planning to soon, however I am feeling guilt that maybe instead I should spend more time on studying or find ways to improve my academic performance (because it’s not well and is partially the reason I am depressed). +Anyways in conclusion I am wondering should I first deal with my mental health or my academics ? +(I have also been suicidal that’s probably important to mention.)",Depression +48122,"I don't know how to cope with my grief I dated someone for over 10 years of my life. My entire 20s. I never loved anyone more. We had a falling out, our relationship became toxic and even as we tried to remain friends it didn't work. + +I cut her off last year at end of january/beginning of february. I assumed she had moved on and everything and stopped talking to me. + +Instead...she died. I suspect she took her own life. No one told me. For 13 months I held resentment towards her. I didn't want to be with her but I was upset that she had made our relationship toxic. + +Instead, she was dead. Her family did not tell me. On tuesday her mother called me to tell me the news 13 months later. I am devastated. She did not deserve to die. I am so fucking angry at myself. I knew she was sick, I knew she was suicidal and I cut her off anyway. I'm angry at her family for denying me the ability to see her funeral. I'm angry that everyone else got a year to grief together and I am dealing with this loss alone. + +I didn't message her for an entire year because I was convinced she found someone else and my pride wouldn't allow me to even say ""hi, hope all is well"". + +I feel horrendous.",Depression +48123,"My (21F) boyfriend (21M) has depression and it is affecting our relationship. So, like the title says: my boyfriend has depression. He already suffered from this even before we met. So, I knew what I was getting myself into. But I did not care because he seemed so willing to be open, to communicate (or at least try his best and give me as much as he could), happy (as much as you can be happy in a depression) to be with me and most of all he showed me so much love. + +Months have gone by since we became official. And his depression has been getting worse. I don't care, I want to be there for him all the way through everything. I love him. I would do so much for him (and I do, but I would do basically anything for him). + +But I have felt him getting less open and he doesn't communicate his thoughts and feelings at all anymore. Whenever something is bothering him or whenever he is feeling bad, I notice, I can just tell. But then when I ask him what's is going on, he always says ""nothing"" (and then continues to show behaviour that clearly shows he is feeling some type of way). Whenever I do push through to have a conversation with him, he gets really quiet and doesn't answer most of my questions, and if he does it is usually a one-word-answer. + +He isn't happy about anything anymore. Not even about me, I think. There used to be a time where he made me feel special, wanted, loved. Now he gets annoyed or even mad if I say or do anything wrong (when all I want to do is help him). I am distraught. I love him more than anything. I can not handle the heartbreak it would give me to lose him. We are so far in together. We had (have) plans for the future. But without him actively showing me love and trying to communicate, I just feel like I am giving him so much of myself but not getting enough back. + +He says he has no time to work on everything. +Granted, he has his education and work. Which is already tiring for him, especially living with depression, an anxiety disorder and an ED. + +I guess the conclusion is that he has no room for this relationship anymore. But due to me being selfish, I can't bring myself to break up with him.",Depression +48124,"Help with new eating pattern!!! Hello, all. Thank you for taking the time to listen! I recreantly have been on a weight loss journey and have lost roughly 100 pounds in 3 months. I did this by exercising for a few hours a day and being careful of what I eat or drink. + +These last two weeks though, I have been bingeing and eating like there is no tomorrow. An adventure that is driving me insane and, honestly, depressed. I still work out and such. During the daytime I am happy and on cloud-9; the feeling that anything is possible and the world is my oyster. At night though, I get depressed and always have these cravings for sugary food. Even though I do not want the food, I end up indulging. + +I hate myself for doing this. I do not want to go back to being overweight moreso than I currently am. Does someone have any tips or suggestions for my conundrum?",Depression +48125,"as a lil experiment, i decided to start answering ""no"" to ""are you ok?"" The results: not a damn thing changed. They asked, listened to the response, and left. that question means literally nothing lmao.",Depression +48126,"how did you know that you were/are depressed and not just mentally exhausted or burned out? both depression and mental exhaustion or burnout share a lot of the same things: + +\- no energy to do things + +\- bad sleep + +\- not in the mood to do things + +\- a very bad memory and not able to remember things + +\- not being capable of having fun because you feel so tired + +\- you want to do things but are just not able to do so cause you feel so crappy + +\- getting angry or irritated at everything and everyone + +how did you know that you were/are depressed and not just mentally exhausted or burned out? + +I learned that a depressed person might still want to do things but feel so tired and don't enjoy the things they wanna do or used to enjoy. + +i had some kind of medical form with a lot of questions and the result is that i have a very high score on distress and depression, but depression can cause high distress symptoms and high distress can cause depression symptoms. + +Anyone who can share some information? + +Ps, they claim i am clinically depressed for a few years now but i don't wanna die (i also don't care if i live or die. If i die then so be it).",Depression +48127,"I’m sad. I don’t deserve to transfer colleges. + +I have a scholarship at my current institution and it’s politically more healthy and accepting than the one I want to go to. + +The one where I’m transferring to isn’t as good but I have a friend group and we’re very warm. The politics of some members bother me though. + +I don’t deserve this. + +I have a scholarship ffs at my institution. + +What’s driving me away is the imminent threat of violence should I speak up about the abuse I endured at the church I grew up in which also has a branch at my university. + +I wanna die. + +Either high out of state costs with less accepting people but very warm and tight knit friends nonetheless or in state with more accepting environment but no friends and a gun on the back of my head in the mirage of “acceptance and environment”",Depression +48128,"(31f) I hate my life I know it just comes with trauma that I have no idea how to compact, and I feel so behind.. + +I live at home with my mom because of student loans from a degree I had to drop out of because her credit score wasn't good enough, and neither was mine. I now sit with 80k in student debt and only 20k would be gone if Biden finally wipes away student debt.. + +My mom right now has been more anxiety inducing than before. I get it, I'm overweight, I have mental health issues, need some sun and a better job, but it doesn't help when she berates and complains about it daily and comparing me to others. + +I barely eat as it is, and while she serves unhealthy food as well, she gets mad that I'm not eating healthy and moving like a fucking swan. I'm like 200 lbs full of anxiety, different kinds of odd combinations of grass and veggies in some green smoothies that tastes like eating someone's ass that hasn't showered for 3 years. Still gets mad that I eat unhealthy when she makes it and it's literally all we have. + +She gets mad that I don't spend time with her at all and prefer to hang out with my friends that are online. She tells me I look ugly and I should look better in clothes that look ugly on me as it is. + +Literally, she treats me just like my older brother did minus the sexual abuse I endured for 14 fucking years (which ended when I was 26 by leaving to art school and finally having a way to make it end by severing ties with him (well he did it with me) + +Being yelled at because I get anxious or depressed isn't a way to help someone unpack trauma nor help them get motivated about doing better. + +It's gotten so bad I can't focus on anything very well. I don't even have privacy to go and study to be a data analyst in Coursera because school is really expensive nowadays and i don't have the time to be able to go. + +I feel really stuck. + +And I know many people are gonna say it's procrastination and I get it might be, but it stems from an overflowing and ever-changing amounts of anxiety and depression that has never stopped. I can't afford therapy because that shit isn't covered, nor can I drive to one because I don't have a car nor do I have the money to pay for an Uber drive weekly along with whatever fee therapy comes with.bi also never have privacy so I can't do at home therapy. I have so little privacy my mom barges in and tries to talk to me even though I tell her I'm in a literal meeting. But if I try to set boundaries or do things myself I'm called an asshole... It's so much thrown at me I feel like I just freeze and just sit and do nothing because that's better than sitting with her and possibly be yelled and berated at for my weight for the umpth time even though she's heavy and diabetic herself. + +Yeah.. + +My live sucks right now...",Depression +48129,"You guys ever catch yourself smiling when you're not happy? I do it all the time when I'm around people. Obviously. But sometimes I catch myself smiling when I'm all alone, and when I think about how I'm feeling, I'm neutral at best. + +So why tf am I smiling? Anyone else experienced this? Can anyone tell me why?",Depression +48130,"feel like crap tonight i dread when the sun goes down. because i’m officially all alone without anyone to keep me company, to keep me out of my head. normally i sleep pretty well, despite it all. i get to bed pretty okay. but for the last week, super vivid dreams have been causing me to wake up anxious and feeling like i barely slept. and what do i do to stop it? just sleep more! i haven’t woke up before 4:00 in the evening for the last week. i just don’t know what to do anymore. when i am up, if no one is around or i’m not on the phone with someone, i just cry. i cry and dwell on how crappy everything is right now. then i progress to berating myself for throwing pity parties all the time, or how hateful i’m starting to get with others in my sheer exhaustion. i’m sick of this. i just want it to stop.",Depression +48131,"I'm tired all the time This might sound like an exaggeration but I'm being dead serious when I say I have not felt properly awake in months and it's awful. I don't know why I feel this way but its majorly impacting my life. I usually sleep for 15 hours a day and those other 9 hours are just me forcing myself to stay awake until I physically can't anymore. I've tried everything, I started working out and have lost 20 pounds since the year started and I still don't feel energized. I had to switch to online school due to several factors, but one of them was my inability to make it through the school day because I was just so tired that I couldn't function. I drink dangerous amounts of caffeine on the daily but even that doesn't help. I don't know what to do but feeling this way just makes me extremely suicidal. Being awake is painful.",Depression +48132,"How do I help my depressed friend? So, I (20f) became friends with this guy (27m) about a year ago. We get along well and talk mostly everyday. Of course there are days when he's not really active and vise versa and I completely understand that. In the past he's voiced not wanting to be alive and it worried me but his mood seemed to lift afterwards. Well, recently he started venting about life and told me he's contemplating killing himself. His mom's sick, he's the only one supporting his family financially and he's a single dad. I tried to do my best to listen and let him know I'm there for him but I'm still worried about him. I don't feel like anything I'm doing is enough. So I guess my question is how can I best help my friend.",Depression +48133,"Job Hunting Related Depression Does anyone that currently hasn't had a job ever feel like they are useless? I graduated from University in 2022 (maybe it was 2021, Covid messed up my sense of time) to get a bachelors degree in Culture, Literature, and the Arts, but I am stuggling REALLY HARD to find a job. I don't necessarily need a job in that specific profession, but I do want a job that will at least make life manageable so I can eventually get my own place and move out of my parents basement. I've worked a temp job at my old University, but never had a ""real"" job where they wouldn't get rid of me after a couple of months. Right now I havent been able to find a good job that my parents will accept, and I feel like it is tearing me apart on the inside watching my friends and siblings move on in their lives while i'm struggling so far behind them, I honestly don't know what to do. I've cried about this before, on many occasions. It feels like my anxiety issues crush the soul out of me that I struggle everyday to get out of bed. Has anybody else dealt with this? How did you overcome it?",Depression +48134,"Putting my depression on others How can I help alleviate all of this depression I’m going through. It’s hard for me to leave the house or do the things I love without someone taking me and getting me out. Also, I keep putting it all on my partner and I can tell it’s a lot for them to see me like this everyday. If anyone can help I would appreciate it. I’m scared of how it may be ruining who I am as a person and sometimes I think it would be easier to just self sabotage or worse.",Depression +48135,I'm a horrible person. I've been fighting with my mom often. It's taking a big toll on the both of us and I've recently started to think that she might be right about how I am selfish and horrible to her. I'm so tired of things at this point and has thought of ending things multiple times. Telling her how I feel and think never is possible because I get so scared. I'm such a bad person where I can't even respect my mom but also so useless as I get to scared to end things.,Depression +48136,"i hate myself i really hate myself so much, like i’m basically the worst… it’s impossible for me to even keep friends they always end up hating me like why can’t i just be normal like everyone else? my mind just spirals making me think about stuff i don’t want to and making me more and more depressed which then ends up making people i talk to hate me which then makes everything even worse like what’s even the point of my existence",Depression +48137,"I think I’m done with life honestly I’m a failure, all my high school friends graduated college and have a partner. Meanwhile I’m 24 almost 25 with no college degree still trying to finish college. The person I fell in love with doesn’t love me back. Theres more to it but I don’t want to bother anyone by having to read such a long post. I honestly think the only thing keeping me in this world is my dog. I cry every night and I keep replaying all my failures and overthinking everything. I don’t know what to do.",Depression +48138,"I look so sad and cold every day. People think I’m rude. I think I’m rude, because I look so cold, too. But the fact is that I’m too depressed and anxious to manage my facial expressions and responses. + +People think I’m weird. (I have SAD, ADHD and several other disorders which make me ‘weird’) I feel so misunderstood. I have BPD, I always feel like I’m abandoned by everyone around me. That makes me super anxious and depressed. + +I’m also anxious about many other silly things and it affects my daily life so badly. I feel like a failure. I’m really depressed. I wish I could just disappear forever. Every day I just wish that I could never wake up again. + +I wish I looked more like a normal person so people won’t notice me and talk about me.",Depression +48139,my anxiety is crushing me My mind is killing me it switches up so fast and I don't understand why I want to be alone but can't stand it and my stress jus fucking kills me over the dumbest shit too I have no way to fix it either I drink and cut and jus can't stop sometimes I want it all to end,Depression +48140,vent i don't deserve to be alive i swear to god im such a fuck up i fucked everything in my life up i wish i could just die,Depression +48141,"Confused about reason So, at the current time in my reality, I finished school around 2 years ago and have been jobless since; I've been living with my family. The days have become dull and time-wasting- I feel like my time sleeping and dreaming is more fulfilling and lively for me, than being awake... + + +When I wake up, I turn on my computer and- if I'm not doing something with my family, I'll sit for 12-14+ hours a day- with breaks of making food and stuff... +Everything has become obscurely pointless, I feel like I'm wasting my life on ""temporary"" things... A part of me, just wants to stay in the dark and discover the vast illusion of suffering- while the other part, wants to start and become something grand. + + +I despise how society is built, everything feels so complex and demanding. Many times again, I've wished that the world was of a past era- a downgrade, if you will- where economy, complexity, orderliness, greed and money wasn't discovered. + + +Anyways, probably gonna feel better tomorrow.",Depression +48142,"Being born mortal is worse than not having been born in the first place. My mortality recently hit me for real, and it's been sending me into a deep depression. Everything feels utterly pointless, because no matter how well I live, I'll die and not remember any of it. There won't be any legacy of me, since the universe itself will die in the end. Nothing has any point to it, we're just here to plug our ears and pretend that we're never going to die, despite also being certain of it. My whole life just fell apart, and now I can barely enjoy things knowing it'll all be gone. I keep mourning my friends and family, knowing everything I do with them amounts to nothing. No professional help or medication can change these things. Existence is just a prison where they dangle all these wonderful things in front of you, and then remind you that you'll be dead and none of it will have mattered. There's no afterlife, no legacy, nothing. This feels like the cruelest joke imaginable. I have zero motivation to pursue a career, knowing it's all for nothing. I can barely enjoy my hobbies, knowing they're just a distraction and won't be remembered by anyone.",Depression +48143,"My mother treats me like shit and I keep going back I’m 21 f, and my mom 61 , me and her never had the best relationship going ever since maybe a kid and even more now. Growing up it hurts that your mom and dad argue violently over the phone about their relationship and who doesn’t want to keep me back and forth I would cover my ears and rock even growing up I was very very munched bullied told my mom and nothing would be done even told her as a 10 year old I wanted to unalive… ignored me even told her a lot of time growing up and I didn’t have my dad alot due to him being on drugs and in and out of prison and my mom being upset about it losing her soulmate and going to my dad they have a very very rocky relationship and marriage and they could’ve been better off divorced even. One time she and him went all out on it changing locks separated even her leaving me with my little sister for weeks to see random men she just met but took each other back my mom has bully me about my weight even called me a hoe a bitch a disappointment and how much she wants me out of her house and everything hurts my feelings even calls my undiagnosed (very much have it ) adhd a retard Thing a problem and I have adhd and tells my dad about it like I’m. Such a retard…. She even threatened me many times to put me out a girl who’s does everything she ask for went to school getting decent or good degrades first to grad high school soon college and in college to be a teacher … but she wants to put me out and everything and not my 40 year old brother who literally has nothing going for him and has the nerve to call him the better child even though they rarely get into he calls her out her name and she does too I never done that to her no matter how mad Iam ,I don’t know what I did wrong my heart hurts. I seek attention from the wrong crowd from men from anybody just to be groomed to feel all sweet and happy in my heart and All I wanted is motherly love and a healthy relationship we do then something happens and I’m getting hurt naked called fat she and more my dad sometimes agree with her and even takes her side it’s rare when he takes my side he’s even worse at times I have mental breakdowns from them and even cry myself to bed wanting a loving relationship with them. Even had a few work mothers who I enjoyed it fills a hole in my heart even because of them they call me the sweetest names and talk to me about my issues than her brushing it off even my dad calling me weak all because of this I gained age regression and find comfort from this at late nights or when I’m all very much alone",Depression +48144,"Emotional detachment For the last three years, I’ve experienced emotional detachment. It’s been so long that I forgot I have it. I have close to no emotional reactions to anything external. The only way I can make myself cry is if I’m pretending to be sad. I don’t feel anything and it makes me think I’m crazy. I don’t act numb because I fake my emotions. Even when I’m alone. I used to feel more. But now when situations occur when emotions would most likely come out, it doesn’t even feel like it’s happening to me. I could chop off all my hair and I would have no reaction. My sister got engaged and I had to fake my reaction. Whenever I hear news, it’s just like hearing words and that’s all. It doesn’t feel like I’m emotionless per se, it feels like I’m not even processing the situation in the first place. Logically, I know it’s happening but I don’t feel aware at all. Why is this? Is this depression? Am I a sociopath? I’d also like to bring up that I have been diagnosed with OCD. And I had a very emotionally abusive father at a very young age.",Depression +48145,"I think I have everything, I still don’t want to live I 24(f) have spent the last 10 years of my life in a horrible depressive state. Despite this, I have gone to university, always been a people pleaser and maintained a fairly nice life. I have a nice car, my dream job and I have bought my own house. I realise this seems so nice and it’s such a far cry from reality to say I’m struggling but honestly things couldn’t be worse. The job that was my dream feels so difficult, all I do is work all week then spend my weekends drunk. I’m trying to break this habit but it’s hard. If it hadn’t gone on so long I would think it was because of alcohol but because I have felt like this for so long I think I am just destined to feel this way. I want to die but I’m too scared. How do we go on living in this state of wanting to be the best we can but also wanting to fade away into nothing?",Depression +48146,"Hate being sober I guess I’m a poly addict but rn it’s alcohol. I just turned 21. I’m wasting my life away drinking everyday, no job, I have one passion and it’s music but I don’t see it going anywhere. My gf is an alcoholic who blames me for her alcoholism. She asked if she could punch me in the face tonight. Called me a loser cuz I said she needed help. Idk I guess I’m just venting but I’m so lost and I feel like no one cares. My mom sends me $50 a week so I won’t bother her, that’s how I get my alcohol. I feel like such a bum loser, can’t even hold down a job let alone show up to an interview. It’s a cop out for sure but it’s because my anxiety. I get anxiety everywhere, I’m scared of shit like getting blown up Everytime I stop to fill up on gas. I’m scared of a gas line exploding at a food service place. I can’t even be outside with panic attacks that I’m gonna be struck by lightning. I just need help and idk where to turn it feels like everyone hates me or is disappointed. I feel like I won’t be here much longer I can’t deal with the anxiety or stress or apathy or anything I can’t do it anymore. I guess this is just a vent and I’m sorry if it breaks any rules but damn life is just weird and sad and I don’t get it. 21 btw if that makes a difference",Depression +48147,"Even the smallest things hurt I was already having a pretty bad day today, feeling depressed, and feeling abandoned by people I care about. I figured I'd at least find some comfort in food, so I headed to my colleges dining hall buffet and grabbed a box to put some food in for takeout. Well I spotted one of the foods I really like, hashbrown casserole but that's not really important, and started grabbing myself a decent portion. But with how layered thin it was, to get a reasonable portion, it would take more scoops because of the thinness. Well I guess one of the workers spotted how much was gone from me scooping n they made jokes with one saying ""gah damn"" when looking over at me and his work buddies laughed. One of the others said ""don't worry about it, we're glad u enjoy it"" and I usually don't care about jokes like that, but after the day I had, that was the final straw. I finished grabbing my food, went to my room n broke down. First time I had cried in months because I was getting better at managing, but once everything starts piling up, you never know what can be the gum wrapper that topples the pile.",Depression +48148,"I'm having bad intrusive thoughts. I'm having really bad intrusive thoughts, well I assume they are intrusive, maybe they are just my thoughts. +I want to hurt myself. +I want to kill myself. +I want to hurt someone else. +I'm trying to distract myself. +But I'm also making an excuse in my head to go out and act on these. +Everything would be so much easier if I was dead. +I don't want to deal with this anymore.",Depression +48149,"Hopeless and want Hope I do not know where to begin. I found out my mom has stage 2 lung cancer and we have a complicated relationship. I love her but I do not like her as a person. She was very controlling, toxic and rough. I know she had the best intentions for me but she used shame to inspire me to be what she wanted. She helped to make me a people pleaser and obsessed with my weight. I do not hate her. I love her. I hate that I am not the daughter she wanted. She is trying to be kind now but it does not come naturally to her. + +I try to visit my folks every 2 months to help out as I am several states away. I am very sad as when my folks pass, they are both in their 80’s, I will not have any family of origin. + +I get sad thinking about attending a funeral. It is not sadness. It is deeper. I do not think I would be able to get on a plane. I think about this as my mom has let me know that I have to. I told her that I do not care what other people think. That is a lie. I do care deeply what others think. + +I am crying right now. It is more than my mom being sick. I grew up being told I was fat and told that everyone was talking about me. I know she just wanted a thin daughter and did not have the tools to tell me she would love me just as I am but was concerned about my health. She would just use guilt and shame to make me feel bad. I think she wanted to inspire me with these tactics. She and my dad both had rough childhoods and did not know how to parent. They sent me to good schools, bought me everything I wanted and tried their best with the limited knowledge they had. + +Still crying and feeling hopeless. I feel that my life has been so much to please them. And I failed according to them. They are both trying very hard to be loving now. I did not receive hugs growing up and do now. + +I am rambling. I just am very sensitive. I think my self esteem is so low that I do not know how to receive love now. +Please tell me if you had a complex relationship with a parent and how you handled end of life issues. How did you cope with a dying parent who made you feel like a failure ? +How do you go on after being told how terrible you are? +Why was she so rough? +Why did it take her finding out she has cancer to hug me and tell me I look good? +Why? +Will I find happiness after she dies? +Why do I hate myself? +Why why why and thanks.",Depression +48150,"I'm struggling to get a reason to keep going It's just so hard. I've been trying to find a way to get better, but I just can't. + +My only goal lately has been to save money in order to move out of my parent's house. That's it. + +I just work and sleep. I miss being a kid.",Depression +48151,"i am at my lowest point I feel terrible. I don’t care about life. I don’t want to care about it. I don’t want things to get better. I just want out. these feelings are becoming crippling at this point and I’m struggling to take care of myself, kids or work. I have no interest or motivation to do anything. I am so very alone. I don’t wanna talk to other people anyway because I’m just bad energy and I hate to keep bringing that to people I care about. I live because I have two daughters that I love, but that’s it. I feel stuck and hate that I have obligations like work when I can barely stop crying all day.",Depression +48152,"Honestly, I do not want to get better Today psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants. After she asked if I would take them, I said ""maybe, but honestly I don't know if even want to get better"". Because I, to be completely fair, lost any sense in living, there's no worth in my presence on this world. Nonetheless, she said that my mind is simply trapped in this pesimistic way of thinking, and I have to believe it can and will get better using therapy and medication. + +But at this time, I do not want to. I've had a strong, suicidal episode recently. I'm waiting for it to come back and drive me to an attempt. Seriously, will these thoughts pass by or what? I have a strong sense meds won't help with that and I'm scared if they would actually work. I'll probably start taking them tomorrow. + +Can anyone share a similar experience with not wanting to get better?",Depression +48153,"Slowly losing my life after covid. I am 29 now. + +I had job, good place to stay, healthy bank balance. Everything one needs until covid hit. + +I got this loud breathing condition which can't really be fixed. I cant really perform in interviews due to this. I lost my golden job in covid period, since then i slowly accepted lower paying jobs. Everyone around me elevated to new heights in meantime I here I am broke and I have nothing left to lose. + +My heath also has taken a hit. + +If anyone got any online job opportunity please let me know. + +934nf710nmv6@gmail.com + + here is my email. Or you can PM me. + +Please don't try to scam me, I have nothing left to lose.",Depression +48154,"I hate the way I am I really hate myself. I hate that when I get more depressed than usual, I crave external validation. It's all I can do not to seek attention from people when I feel like shit. + +I hate that I get strong crushes on people who show me genuine affection for a couple of days. + +I hate that I'm incapable of putting effort into changing my life and myself. + +I just want to be held and loved, and I hyperfixate on new people who I think care about me. I just want attention to make me feel better, and I hate it.",Depression +48155,"The worst symptom of depression for me is low self esteem. Because it’s so obvious. Let’s face it no one likes someone who isn’t comfortable in their own skin, it’s why people gravitate towards social, enthusiastic people who love themselves, these types of people are managers, well respected individuals with families. + +I’m bright, capable, yet I’m completely and utterly held back for the simple fact I hate myself. No one wants anything to do with me, you don’t get a sympathy card in life, either you love yourself and others will want to know you, or no one gives a shit and you are a “weird, creepy quiet loser.”",Depression +48156,Fearing nothing will make me feel better I am unattractive i’ll admit it society doesn’t view me as gorgeous or anything attractive. Society views black women as shrek monsters unless we straighten our hair or are visual mixed. It makes me mad that I’ll never be considered pretty by the mass scale. it always bothers me. I want to leave this planet so bad or die. I don’t ever want to be looked at by anyone ever again.,Depression +48157,"that not so funny feeling i’m reminded of my depression again, with a heavy and hollow feeling in my chest. it’s like someone is sitting on me, pinning me down, rendering me unable to do anything other than lay in bed. i feel this much stronger when i have to be alone with my thoughts. or, if i’m tired. these days i find that i’m always tired.",Depression +48158,"I (15F) cannot do this shit anymore. (Major TW: Suicidal talk) It’s midnight. I have to get up at asscrack early tomorrow. I can’t go to sleep because of how fucking anxious I am. I feel like everyone fucking hates me and tolerates me for some reason. Maybe because they’re scared, maybe some sort of pity, I don’t know. I’m sick of being yelled at whenever I’m at home, I’m sick of it all. I can’t do this. I want out so badly but I can’t get away. I cried in school today because she screamed at me in the car. She didn’t care at all. Does anyone fucking care? People say they do, but realistically, there’s no reason. I wish people would just get it out of the way and stop being fucking pussies and just tell me if they had an issue so I could stop being a fucking burden. I’m pissed and I’m scared and I hate myself and I hate people around me and I wish I could just end it all right here and right now but I can’t because IM TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY. The closest thing I can do is starve myself and throw my guts up, which is a fun little tradition that I’ve had for over a year. Thankfully, my mother, being the kind soul she is, tells me that is bad and will make me fat. Thanks mom! I’m just so sick of this. I’m powerless and weak and I know I am and I wish I had access to a rope right now. I’ll probably forget all about this in the morning too, it’s just that today was a fucking hell day. I’m tired.",Depression +48159,"Depression and memories of the past Is it normal to think only of negative things from the past or even see the past worse than it was while depressed? + +I keep going over a certain experience from the past the lasted for 2 years but it doesn't meet the criteria of PTSD, but there was mistreatment from superiors and bullying from other colleagues but it wasn't consistent, actually most of the time I was treated better except for some situations that I keep remembering till now. + +3 weeks ago I switched to a different SSRI and I started having symptoms like anxiety, panic, ruminating over that experience and feeling worthless which I think were withdrawal symptoms from the old drug (lexapro) + +I noticed that these symptoms come when there is something wrong with the medication or I am going through a stressful time. + +I got a panic attack at work and my manager noticed and when I asked for some time off to recover they stalled and then they released an exit visa from the country and told me I would work remotely from my home country but there is no guarantee that they would keep their word. + +So now I am faced with the possibility of going back to my country which is going through a tough time economically and uncertainty about finding a new job. + +I am now back to the old drug I used to take and increased the dosage to 30mg with the Dr's supervision. + +I am not sure if the medication is not working yet or that I am going through a challenging time so I am having anxiety. + +I spend most of the time alone in my hotel room thinking of the past and worrying about the future and I am just exhausted. + +Your insight would be appreciated",Depression +48160,Feeling like I don’t belong No matter how much I try to change I never feel like I belong or like I’m enough… not sure what to do anymore…,Depression +48161,"I need therapy. I don't like posting anything about myself online because in the long run I feel like it only makes things worse, but i need advice from people with experience. I'm 30 years old, and despite having a job that allows me to pay the bills I feel the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I'm mentally and physically exhausted the majority of the day, and despite making changes in my diet and exercise I feel completely empty. + +I felt better and more alive when I spent my weekends heavily drinking, even though those nights would usually end with me having heart palpitations and feeling like I was going to die. At least when I was inebriated I could feel a spark of the happiness I had when I was younger and that feeling made me want to drink more and more just to keep that spark alive. Unfortunately, now when I drink I get panic attacks that take days for me to get over so it's not even an option for me anymore. + +For the first time in my life I'm considering therapy because at this point I don't know what other alternative to turn to. The only reason its taken me this long to consider it an option is because I feel like I already know what a therapist would say to me. As pessimistic and presumtuous as it is, it seemed pointless. I'll admit It would be nice to vent to someone but is that really all there is to it? I have to be wrong. + +I'm going to look for a therapist first thing tomorrow, but in the meantime I want to hear from those of you with experience. Did any of you share similar skepticism and end up surprised by the results? Thanks in advance for your input.",Depression +48162,"Why? Why is life so overwhelming? + +Why do I always have to worry about everything? + +Why do I keep making bad choices? + +Why can't I just have a normal life?",Depression +48163,"I’m so close to giving up. +I hate this world, I hate this life, and I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate how I am. I hate the way I sound. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate existing. Every time I go to sleep I pray I won’t wake up. Every time I wake up I face the disappointment. I’m so tired of being a burden. I’m so tired of ruining everything around me. I’m so fucking tired of being me. I don’t want to be here anymore. Everything breath I breathe is more than I can take. Every day that passes I become more curious/ eager to find out what happens after death. Everyday I fight the urge to find out. I can’t go one hour without pointing out everything wrong with me. I can’t go a day without wishing I wasn’t here. It doesn’t get better. It never will. Every time I make the tiniest bit of progress life come and hits me like a fucking bus breaking down and destroying everything I’ve worked so hard to build up. I’ve come to the conclusion I just wasn’t made for living. Wasn’t made to survive. The longer im here the worse and longer I’ll suffer. Im so tired. Im so alone. No one understands. No one listens. No one cares. They never have. I crave the feeling of being loved. The feeling of being normal and accepted. I have nothing in my life nor have I done anything with it. What’s the point in trying to make someone I hate thrive? What’s the point of living a life I’ve never wanted. A life I’ve never felt loved or welcomed in. I’m ready to go. I don’t find myself being scared of what will happen to me anymore. I don’t find myself wondering if there’s a heaven or hell. I don’t find myself worrying how it’ll feel. I only seem to think that whatever’s waiting can’t make me feel worse than I already do. I have no one and nothing. Everyone in my life says I’m overreacting or doesn’t even listen enough to understand how I feel. I’m so worthless and useless. I feel so pathetic. Can’t get the energy to get out of bed so I just sit here with my thoughts and they eat me alive. Im not eating. Im barely drinking. Im not living. So whats the point? Why am I here?",Depression +48164,Getting help I can't seem to want help. Maybe it's because every time I've sought out help they haven't helped me and just throw me in a mental hospital but now I just can't ask for help. What do I do?,Depression +48165,"Brain can’t function after a depression episode I am just curious that is there anyone just like me. If yes, I really need some advice. + +I recently had a very bad depression episode few days ago, and even though I am done with the episode and my emotions are more stable right now, my brain doesn’t seem to be functioning in any way. + +I thinking of everything but nothing at the same time. Like I really can’t catch my thoughts or even think anything logically or sensibly. And I feel like a zombie, just do everything based on experience and instinct. + +And the worst part is, people don’t understand that because you look completely normal and functional. They think you’re fine now because you stop crying or being depressed. You can finish normal tasks or conversation because you are in autopilot mode, but when it comes to something that requires more brainpower, you are broken. + +And sometimes it takes weeks or months to really snap out it but life doesn’t give you the luxury of doing that. It stresses me out. + +How on earth do I suppose to do to deal with this?",Depression +48166,"I just lie about being happy I just lie about being happy but when I drink and smoke ik the truth. I honestly don’t see myself living past 30, I’m just going through the emotions and trying to survive.",Depression +48167,"Still. I am SCREAMING and no one hears me. +I sob, constantly. I can’t deal with these lows anymore. It’s like everything crashed at once and I’m too shook to even pick up the pieces. I crave peace. Comfort in any way. All I do is cry to myself. I did everything I could to fix this. Medication, therapy and so much more. +And yet the water is rising. Still.",Depression +48168,"I feel nothing I have all these emotions inside of me that are just trapped inside. I cant express myself the way i want to and its killing me. I show almost 0 emotion every single day and i feel like an outcast. I can laugh, smile, be excited in front of people, but i only do it for them not for myself. When i am alone i get this certain feeling in my head of all my feelings trying to come out at the same time. I hold it in and it feels indescribable, like a literal wave nothingness that washes over me. Then i just hold the blankest face ever, i do this almost all the time except when listening to people and talking to them. Its so hard just observing my life with no feelings. Occasionally it will become too much and i overflow with tears and confusing feelings, but nobody knows this. I get this feeling of laughter and denial that turns into a feeling of sadness and tears. I hate this, i hate myself. I hate that i feel weird being told “i love you” by a family member and being unable to say it back, i want to but i just cant, i don’t know. Im so sick of myself. I dont like it when people do something nice/thoughtful for me because deep down i don’t want anyone to care for me so i can kill myself leaving the smallest impact i can.",Depression +48169,"Constantly held back by not feeling worthy of getting better. I've been depressed for a few years now. I don't feel totally lost. Somewhere inside me, I still have hope, I still have a real belief that it's possible for me to feel normal and happy again. But there's a much stronger feeling, an overwhelmingly powerful one, that even if I *could* be happy again, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve support from others, I don't deserve to make small gains for myself. Every time I start to move in a positive direction, every time others give me advice and offer help, every time it seems like I'm finally digging myself out of the hole.... I stop myself. I hurt myself. I don't let myself get better, because I feel like I don't deserve to be better. + +I hate it. It feels totally inescapable. No matter what progress or advantage I'm giving, I end up deliberately damaging it and tossing it away, because I can't escape the feeling that I deserve nothing but suffering, that it's an injustice to the world if I get better. + +Does anyone else feel this way? Is there any way to feel worthy?",Depression +48170,"The soul-crushing loneliness is just too much I have no one to talk to about my struggles. I am completely alone save for the limited social interaction I receive at work, and even that is only as much as is professionally necessary. I used to be able to smile and laugh to people, but I've been so lonely for so long that it takes everything I have to keep that up anymore. Everyone around me can tell that I'm sad, and that just makes me feel all the more unwanted and disdained. The last 2 people I opened up to got so much secondhand stress that they completely shut me out. Every second I'm not at work I'm just sitting in my empty house. There's no joy in anything anymore. There is absolutely nothing to look forward to on a day-to-day basis. This all just feels so fundamental that I don't even know where to begin to solve it. There's no real conscious impetus to my actions anymore, just listless impulse driving my every thought. The only thing I know for sure in all of this is that every day is the saddest I've ever been.",Depression +48171,"I'm so terribly afraid of death, but I'm also afraid of living. I cried myself to sleep again last night. I was lucky to have loving parents which is why I would not kill myself until they pass. And I pictured myself apologising to the friends I have intentionally drifted from, and hoping they will feel less pain now that we are essentially strangers. Then I started sobbing because my parents are getting older and they will really pass soon, and I'm terrified of death. I'm scared that the darkness of death would be darker than any darkness I've been enveloped in and that I would truly cease to exist. That no one would remember I was once a person with noble and great aspirations to better the world and now I am merely ashes. But living is so painful, and I've been seeking this release for over a decade.",Depression +48172,"I feel my soul is dead/very damaged I hurt her deep deeply. She was the love of my life and I threw it away for casual sex. + +We were so connected. On such a deep level. We were miles apart, yet I could feel her in my soul. All the time. + +We were one. + +And I hurt her deeply. + +I cared for her, showed her new things, loved her, wanted the best for her. + +But alcohol brought out my shallowness. + +It’s not the fact that it’s over. + +It’s seeing her face of devastation when I told her every time I close my eyes. + +She has told me to forgive myself and move on. + +But I just can’t. I would do anything to take back what I did. + +I would trade 1000 lifetimes for one minute with her. + +I am at my lowest right now.",Depression +48173,"angry and disappointed having a hard time right now, and ontop of the things making life harder the plans i was counting on to cheer me up fell through. Left just angry at everyone and everything. This person knows I'm having a shit time right now too.",Depression +48174,"I just want to rant about my depression and anxiety from my depression I talk a lot, I get it from people not wanting to talk to me as a child or telling me I talk to much when I share something I enjoyed. Which created childhood depression and it effected me in several ways and still does 14+ years later (I’m 19 to put that into perspective to just how long I’ve had dealt with this). One of my earliest memories is wanting to become a smart muggle witch like Hermione from Harry Potter. I was so exited about the films I would talk to almost everyone I came across about HP, well almost everyone told me I can’t/I will never be able too/that’s bad/ect but more than anything they would tell me I talk to much, it isn’t ladylike to speak that much. I was 5 years old. As the years went by I was told not to speak often, and anytime I spoke about anything I knew something of such as history or science and especially if I was excited about it I would be cut off and told I spoke to much. All of my “friends” growing up would ignore me in groups or not pay attention if I wanted to join the conversation. Bc of that I became a wall flower and I over tall when people talk to me. I get very depressed most days due to my excessive talking. I know my excessive talking is coming from anxiety, but the depression of feeling alone hurts more. Thank you for reading this if you do read this.",Depression +48175,I’m so sad I’ve been with my bf for almost 10 years and I feel like my relationship is at its end . We have no patience for one another . We are so aggressive to each other . He used to be abusive but hasn’t hit me in almost a year . I’m so scared to be alone but I know I can’t stay like this forever . What do I do ?,Depression +48176,"Seeing my family makes me want to die, and I have no good reason for it My family is wonderful. My parents are generous, understanding, kind, and helpful. My little sister is supportive and great. I’m the black sheep, always jealous of her, watching her live the life I was always supposed to live. I pigeonholed myself in life and she is four years younger and doing everything I wanted to do, living the life I wanted to live, and it hurts me so deeply to see it. It makes me want to separate myself from them entirely. I hate that I can’t be happy for her because of my jealousy. I hate that knowing that she is doing everything I wanted to do makes me want to end my life. I want to cut off contact with them completely, but I have no good reason to other than it fucking hurts every single day being a member of the family. I don’t want to be involved at all.",Depression +48177,"Support and advice greatly needed (26 year old female) sorry for the long post… I’ve been on anti depressants for about the last 12 years of my life. I was always on 100 mg zoloft & then switched to 20 mg lexapro in 2018, but went off of them for about 6 months in 2021 to try to live without them. At the end of those 6 months I started to get dizzy more often & have what I can only describe as uncontrollable thoughts. Not suicidal or thoughts of harming anyone, but I just did not feel in control of my emotions and I felt like I was gonna lose my mind lol & very depressed. So I got back on lexapro 20 mg & after a few months I started to feel average at best but better than before. August 2022 I started to get brain zaps/dizziness every day for over a month so I went to a new psychiatrist and got back on Zoloft 50 mg to start. I worked my way up to 75mg & started to feel a lottttt better, but in December my dad died and I was extremely close to him so that obviously set me back. I went up to 100 mg around Feb 2023 and have been having issues ever since. Very dizzy, lots of anxiety & panic attacks, and the weird uncontrollable emotions/thoughts and always feeling on the brink of a panic attack have been happening since. It gets A LOT worse at night and that’s when most of my issues arise. +Within the last 6 months I’ve seen an ear doctor to make sure I didn’t have inner ear issues causing dizziness, an eye exam (I got a small prescription mostly for being on my phone/computer or reading), and I got an MRI done and saw a neurologist. All has always come back normal so I’m thinking it’s a medication issue or lack of something. I’m mostly looking for advice or comfort to make me feel better since I’m not doing well lol. Thanks for reading ❤️",Depression +48178,"Numbness What do you do when you don't feel nothing anymore? +I felt loneliness and sadness for a long time. +Now I feel nothing, empty. +Nothing interests me, nothing makes me happy +, I don't care about anything and anyone no more. +I feel like I'm dead",Depression +48179,"Please God, I do not wish to see the light of tomorrow. Take me away while I sleep fastly Not one more day of this torment. I fucking beg you every fucking night to take the life away from me. Right to the point I am awake, I am in despair, then I sleep and all suffering cannot be felt, only to wake again, realizing that it will be another day of agony. I am not interested in living. You have given me plenty of gifts, but all I have known is to throw them away. Now the only gift I ask of you is death. It will be your final gift to me, and the one gift I will treasure.",Depression +48180,"I'm sick and tired of this bullshit I can't tell anyone else so I'll say it here + +I have no particular circumstantial problems, traumas etc in life, yet I feel like absolute shit. I feel like I'm cutting myself just to shoehorn myself into a community and feel like I have a problem, so that I can blame all my shortcomings and failures on that ""mY dEpReSsIoN"" instead of owning them up like a normal functioning adult and improving. But noooooo I waste everything I have, all the resources at my disposal, and its funny because I actually am disposing them down the drain lmao. I am just acting things out in this elaborate drama I have constructed for myself so that I can feel like a victim of my own imagination, make up problems where there aren't any, and poach resources away from those actually suffering. + +You know I sometimes take a blade to my hand but I get scared. I get terrified, that probably is a primal instinct. That definitely means I am faking it all, right. If I really hated myself and wanted to kms, I'd be able to sink it deeper, with no regards to the pain. But noooo, all I can do is barely see the white. Because if I was really wanted to kms, I'd have something to show for it. If I'm really suffering, I should've been able to cut deeper just to deal with the ""emotional pain"" that I apparently have. But wait, I can't slide-and-dice deeper - if everything in my life is all fine and dandy, yeah that's right. I'm a fraud. I can't, so that clearly shows I'm not in pain. can't even get a drop out. I'm a fucking fraud + +How do people do it. Deal with the pain and just slice away down deeper. I wanna be able to do it. I'm fake as fuck. + +Man why am I so pathetic, fucking failure of an adult at 25, goddamnit",Depression +48181,"Mmm… just some thoughts if you can relate 🙏 congrats I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel like I have any support. I don’t feel like I can go to anyone and I can tell them exactly how I am feeling because they’re gonna quote some bullshit Bible verse or tell me I’m being so dramatic. My mom doesn’t like listening to me talk but little does she know she needs to cherish my ramblings cause one day I’m gonna just jump in front of the G train and she’s gonna wish she listened to me cause it would be her last day hearing my voice. + + I want to spend the rest of my life doing something I’m passionate about that I simply don’t care if I’m gonna make any money at all. I want to feel something so bad but I feel nothing. I have no real goals, no real accomplishments, no real aspirations. + +And I’m trying so hard to see the brighter side. I’m trying so hard to be positive. I’m trying so hard to find the balance but it’s not working. It’s times like this when I’m sitting in silence where there are no sounds and I don’t have my headphones to drown out all these negative thoughts. I have to sit with them in silence suffering. + +I want friends and I want to build meaningful relationships with people but people are just so tiring I hated having friends but brushed it off as maybe I wasn’t friends with the right people. They were so overwhelming I just wanted to be quiet all the time. + +I don’t know. I don’t know whether I want to die or if I want to live. If I live my life it won’t be mine, and if I die supposedly my life won’t be mine either according to some book of stories.",Depression +48182,"I m deeply sad I feel so so sad and there s no one to talk to. I might be attracted to a guy that is a friend of my bf( we re in an open relationship so it s a lil bit tricky) and like I wanna do stuff with him ig but yea. Anyway I m the only one up, alone and I feel so so sad. I feel like a failure and somehow I feel lije I m drowning. i feel like there s no escape and I can t break the vicious circle that I feel stuck in. I m going to therapy for a few months now and I m struggling. Quite a lot. Everything feels pointless, doesn t make any sense. It might be the fact that I m exhausted. It might the fact that I m tired. It might the fact that I m slightly tipsy now. I went clubbing tonight and i felt kinda shitty at first bc one of my best frens felt shitty too. I hate it. Anyway I understood i m not good when We had to go home earlier and I still +Wanted to drink, but to drink until I forgot bout myself. I wanted to drown in smth that is not the suffocating feeling of being constantly under pressure. What pressure? Idk. But i feel constantly smth in my stomach and my whole body. And when not, I am brain empty. That s why I am brain empty. Bc when I m brain fool, nothin good happensz",Depression +48183,"Failure When I was in high school, I always get praised by my parents and others since I am doing well in my studies. But now that I am in my 2nd yr of college, I am failing my courses and I am not learning. We are not financially stable, and my tuition fee is not a joke. I keep on thinking of ending my life since I am a failure and I keep on disappointing my parents and relatives. My parents keep on comparing me to others and I don't want that. I am doing my best and my best is not enough to pass my courses. I want to end the suffering of my parents by ending my life.",Depression +48184,"It doesn't help me. I HATE when I say things like ""Killing myself is easier than going to college to get a job that I will hate later"" people keep saying ""there's people in the hospital that would give everything to be in your place"", like, bro, I know that and you're just making things worse by making me think that I must be happy all the times because I not in the hospital, but I'll die someday and I want that soon, because then at least I'll be remebered by some people that will be still alive. + And also I hate that everything that I do it seeem like I'm the worst at it, even if it's just me and one other person, they will always be beter than me, and I was talking about that with one of my techers and she said ""then what do you like?"", nothing, literally everything that I do is because my mom wants me to do it and I'm too afraid of making her sad/angry by saying that I don't like it. +(Sorry for the ranting, btw)",Depression +48185,I know I'm going to kill myself one day I'm drunk and I know it's just inevitable but hey let's take it a day at a time,Depression +48186,"i think after losing enough jobs, and now jobless again, 45 and i can acknowledge life is over, i need to find a llace to throw away my car, and other valuables, selling them would be a waste of time money isnt important, a steady check is, unemployment is hardly likely that i would win decision against an employers lawyer, or ppo doctor. i may not have a home, so i need to find someplace i can go and be homeless until i starve to death. or preffered, quick and painless, rather than a lifetime of suffrage. idk who my mother and father are but they were neglegent with me, and guns, and beat me physically to cause permanent injury",Depression +48187,"Late night thoughts Being high functioning is really draining. +I can uphold a mask of normality for a period of time, but Jesus Christ is it exhausting. +In the presence of people, I act. I convince them that I’m fine, I begin to convince myself too. And for a few moments sometimes I forget. Sometimes. +Until I get into bed and I’m staring at the ceiling, feeling an empty sense of longing for God knows what. Why do I feel like something’s missing? +Emptiness engulfs me at the realisation of the futility of it all. Life. +My body aches, my eyes burn and I just want to be unconscious. +And I think to myself, is this all that there is? + +Most of my life, I’ve felt this dark presence lurking in the corner of my mind. Like a feral black dog following me around, just hungrily waiting to devour me. I somehow always manage to find strength to keep moving, but it always follows. +Sometimes, I just greet it, and lay down in despair. + +Think I need my meds again xox",Depression +48188,"Stuck and too afraid to ask for help from anyone because im a disappointment I feel like all I do is go in circles nothing ever changes nor will it, I feel as though i make progress and I think I feel happy for an amount of time and then I get sent back into the hole. Hopeless, worthless, a failure and dissapointment to everyone around me who has tried to help and may think that I'm fine not knowing what is going on in my head for fear of criticism or pity, I hate myself. I've fully accepted death although this is not a suicide note or an indication of one, I have previously attempted and for awhile felt no remorse or regret from doing so. And even now I wish I would've given it 100% as I feel I have no use or purpose and all I ever do is dissappint both myself and others, I am worthless. Nothing I jave ever done is fulfilling past the honeymoon phase of finding a new hobby, I never have the drive or discipline to keep at it I see the mountain I have to climb and it all seems so pointless to me. And I am left a failure again until I decide to do something else and fail once again. I don't deserve anything I have or anyone that is friends with me. I don't understand what other people see in me I wish even for a mpment I could see myself through their eyes because my own only hat and loath me. I have tried so many times to change how I see myself how I think about myself but it all cokes back to the same place, self hate, hopelessness, and despair. Sorry for this wall of text I know this doesn't help anyone and im questioning if its even wirth saying anything. I really just don't know what to do.",Depression +48189,"My friend needs help Hey, I need help with my friend over here. He's finally got a psychiatrist that he needs, and is currently scared of getting anti depressants. I've googled the pros and cons of them, what are your expirences and how can I help him tell his psychiatrist no?",Depression +48190,"All my therapist have added to my trauma I feel like there's no hope for me b/c all my therapist have been quite shitty at times. My very first ""official"" one made me fall in love with her, she'd grab my hand tell me I was special, she'd say I was the best client. She would drive me home at night & leave me in the corner, then she would buy my siblings toys (who she knew were my whole world/ reason of living). She'd buy me sweaters b/c again she knew I was sh & always wore one, so she bought me a couple expensive ones & would ask I wear them when I saw her. Then she ghosted me!! After Christmas break she never came back. The 2nd one I saw after 2 years, she would tell me my mom didn't love me & I have sh<t self esteem so when I was groped in the bus she said ""well on the brightside you can't be that unattractive, he must have found you attractive enough to do that"". Horrible sh<t she'd say! Then the 3rd one, told me that my ed can't be that bad b/c I ""looked fine"". Finally my current one, basically encourages my self harm! She said she'd get me wipes to do my ""aftercare"". When I told her I was pressured into smoking cigarettes she said ""honestly you have worst shit to worry about than smoking cigarettes"".. I'm so f<cking tired!! I'm trying to get better!! People always say ""oh if u don't ask for help, how can you ever get better"" well I AM!!! I DID!! But why have I been treated this way! I'm so tired of reaching out & no one helping & just making it worse! I'm so tired... my mind can't afford to reach out to anothertherapist! Please I just want someone to care, to help me.",Depression +48191,"i think whats depressing is,,,(working out the bugs) to find a job i need a car, i need a job to put gas in it, i need a job for insurance, i dont have a job, i have a car i could lose and walk to work, somewhere close, but no, a car is required, reliable transportation. then theres home, i need a job for a home, my family uses narcotics, i dont want to live with them, nor be thrown out again, soo, i still cant find a job that will let me work in peace, i dont have any career, anything is fine, as long as i dont have to be happy, i cant fake it.",Depression +48192,"Heaven We'll all go to heaven if there really is, because this life and world is already hell.",Depression +48193,"Advice on treatment options? I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. I had a suicide attempt in high school, had to be committed to a psychiatric hospital for a couple weeks (which was highly traumatic)and was on I believe Zoloft for a few months until I moved to self medicating with alcohol and realized that the 2 don’t mix well. I’ve seen multiple therapists, but I have a very hard time being honest and open and I’ve had therapists outright drop me as a client because I wasn’t making progress. Also when I was drinking heavily it was hard to make appointments so I stopped going. + +I’ve come a very long way from this. I very rarely drink now, but I never went back to therapy or medication. I cope by staying extremely busy but I struggle on the weekends when I have less to occupy myself with. I feel like I need something to help. I’m unsure about meds because even before I could never find a dosage that helped and I don’t know if I want to start that process over again. And I also now have a masters in psychology and i have enough insight into myself to be able to understand my behavior. So I don’t think a therapist can do anything for me that I can’t do for myself, and I doubt that I can be completely open. + +Idk what I’m looking for, I guess just advice if I should try to get treatment, if it would be worth it.",Depression +48194,I failed I'm going to kill myself soon I just failed the test to get my GED and my family thought I was going to pass it but I didn't I feel like disappointment and I disappointed them they had confidence in me they say I'm smart and I'm a genius but in reality I'm not I'm dumb and stupid and I let them down I feel so worthless and pathetic so now I'm going to drink bleach or any other chemical I can find in my house so I can get so sick that I die I can't do this anymore I don't want to disappoint or let anyone else down,Depression +48195,"Sometimes I find comfort in my depression It has been this way for so long, I can't imagine myself without feeling this way. It started off as crying myself to sleep because I didn't feel at home and safe no matter what I did. Everything was out of place, my existence was wrong. Around 4 years after that, which is now, I started antidepressants. Idk if they really don't work and my body is fighting against them, or if I put myself in the “they don't work” mindset to the point they actually don't. But the first few weeks I was horrified of actually getting better. Now that the meds stopped working, I'm not panicking anymore. Starting treatment was my dream for so long, now I hate the idea of it. I find comfort in my sorrows. I got too deep into being helpless and accepted that I couldn't get out, so I decided to make it a safe space for myself. I don't know if I want to be better. I never thought healing would be harder than my depression. I have no idea if I'm weird or stupid, or maybe both. I feel helpless.",Depression +48196,"Does your family realise what is going on? I feel like no one even notices anything, for example some days I can’t get out of bed the whole day and no one even questions me about it. Is this normal? The only moments my family mention my disfunctional behaviour is when they’re joking about it. Im baffled honestly.",Depression +48197,"How do I stop this feeling to give up on life and how it's not worth it? + + + +I'm feeling very demotivated depressed hopeless sad and not having the will to live anymore + I just can't get this feeling out of my head no matter how hard I try from a couple of months ago +This feeling has been growing much stronger since a last week. +I am not exaggerating but nothing feels real anymore , I am just doing things to cope with this but that is not even working. +I don't feel like doing anything. +Can't even focus on studies or anything. + + +I have my personal problems which are ruining my health, stress has probably become an underlying health condition in my body which I don't know because I stress a lot.",Depression +48198,"Not for this life Im so sad all the time, i have barley and friends and no love interest. Im out of shape and sad. Im not meant for this generation or this age of humanity. I wanna go back but im stuck here. I feel like a glass bottle filled with stones and the cap is glued on shut. I wanna end it all but i cant im to big of a pussy to do so",Depression +48199,"I’m scared because I’m not scared I would always have thoughts but would be too scared to go through with anything, but now I’m not scared. I could know I was going to die tomorrow, and I wouldn’t care. I’m scared because I don’t know if when I have another breakdown I’m gonna do something in the moment that I can’t take back.",Depression +48200,"29M. Moved out for the first time in August to work at a ski resort for a year. I feel so lonely and have no real friends here. (not saying people here are fake but I’ve become more of a hermit). Want to move back home and pursue schooling/certification (medical billing and coding). Feeling insanely depressed here. + +So I made the move out here last year 2 months before turning 29. + +At first I enjoyed it. I’m able to buy weed whenever I want, I get a better pay than I did back home, and I don’t feel like a child living at home. And the weather was pretty nice. + +But over time, it started wearing on me. I miss my nieces and every time we’ve factimed they look so much older. I feel sad that I’m not there. I miss my family and our family dog. Also I ran out of my ADHD/anxiety/depression medications and haven’t tried finding a new psychiatrist/therapist because I don’t want to deal with the hassle of searching around. + +I feel like I haven’t really connected to anyone here. I thought going out and snowboarding here at the resort almost everyday, that someone would recognize me and I’d make friends (which is what happened back home), but it hasn’t happened. I have no dating life at all. I get 3 or 4 days off a week and spend them alone. Sometimes I’ll game with my high school friends online, which is the only thing I really look forward to, but this fucks my sleep schedule even more. + +I work overnights and barely get any social interaction anymore. I try sleeping during the day but it’s difficult because my neighbors like to play their music super fucking loud. Why don’t they just wear headphones? + +My sleep schedule is shit. I hate going to run errands because I have to walk 15 minutes to my car. + +I snowboard for like 2 hours and then feel like going home because I get overwhelmed by the lengthy lines. + +Once the season ends, they’ll switch me back to evenings as opposed to overnights, but then I’ll have to get a roommate. Having a roommate in these tiny ass dorms is horrible and I don’t like it. No privacy at all. + +When I go back home, I want to start regularly going to therapy again, but am thinking “how can I do that if I don’t have a job”. How do I ensure I have a job when I get back home? I don’t live there right now so how the hell do I get interviews????",Depression +48201,"A close friend of mine took 280 mg of Dexedrine this past Monday as a suicide attempt, but for some reason he hasn’t told anyone besides me, and he never went to the hospital. What kind of danger could he still be in? I want to convince him to get help for it, but he thinks so much time has gone by. Ditto.",Depression +48202,"anger I heard from my therapist that anger and depression often go hand in hand, but I feel like it's kinda going off the rails for me. +does anyone have more experience with this?",Depression +48203,"I’m a depressed mother who is debating on leaving her family. To make this short and to the point. I’ve had depression/anxiety my whole life. It’s nothing new other than with age it seems to just get worse. I’ve been through the system for help and here I am again. +I have a 15 month old who would be better off without her depressed mother around. My whole family is effected by my moods. It’s not fair to anyone and I definitely don’t want to be the reason everyone is walking on eggshells. I grew up like that and it’s not fun and look at me…I have problems. +I believe it’s better for me to disappear than subject my family to this terrible illness. I’ve read how having a depressed mother can effect a child. I also know first thing. I stress my husband out like no other. It can all be solved if I just leave. My husband asks where to? I don’t know, I have no one so probably the streets. Obviously he’s not ok with it but again better than subjecting everyone to this bs. It seems like a fair trade for a better life for them and I’m put out of my misery. It’s already hard enough to live with this crap to add more guilt and shame it just doesn’t make sense.",Depression +48204,"Grief making me feel bad everytime i look at people with their parents I just stood there,staring.sometime it can even felt like days,weeks,or even years pass by when truth is just a couple of minutes.i feel despair everytime i look at my miserable existant + +Everytime happy memories come.it will be season with hours of nightmares and bad memories.i know am not a good son to begin with. + +Being born as gay,not being as smart as other people.and quite honestly not really good at making friends.even me disappointed in myself.",Depression +48205,"Are we Supportive or destructive Throwaway because the people in this post have reddit accounts. I (28F) am married to a wonderful man (32M) let’s call him Mark. We have been married for 7 years now and I grew very close to his family as they live in the same city as us while my family is in another country. + +His brother Maison (30M) and I grew very close and we have a great friendship, laughing together, talking about life, etc… as time went by I started noticing that i was being supportive and there for him and the opposite isnt true. + +Now for a little backstory, Maison went through a very tough phase in his life and got depressed and suicidal, he went to therapy and started getting back on his feet again but he was never the same. This happened 3 years ago and after that experience he became very self-centered, inconsiderate yet very sensitive and also does not accept any type of criticism. He literally turned to a manchild. Only wants to game all day, doesnt help the people around him, is very dependent even in the smallest things. Mark is always walking on eggshells around him for this reason because he is scared that he would say / do anything that will cause Maison to relapse into depression. + +I on the other hand am a little tougher on Maison. I sometimes feel like his family not saying anything when he is rude or acting like a child because they are afraid to hurt his feelings are turning him into a very immature and irresponsible man who is never held accountable. + +He moved in to live with us temporarily to save some rent money till he gets his life together. He adopted a dog, and let her go because he didnt train her properly and she became aggressive with separation anxiety. Then he adopted another dog and the same thing happened again and he let him go. He wants so many things in his life but wouldnt want to put the hard work or the responsibility. + +My question is, should we go easy on him because of his mental health? Or is going easy on him will make his life harder later because he will get used to life without any responsibility or accountability?",Depression +48206,"Help. I made all the wrong decisions. I have no one to blame but myself. + +Now I'm alone. + +I just want a hug. What does that feel like such a selfish request? + +Is there anyone out there that needs someone to talk to? I'd like to that person because helping you might be what saves me.",Depression +48207,"Text helpline is useless I tried using the (US based) s***ide text hotline tonight. After replying ""YES"" to accept terms and conditions and be connected to a counselor a good dozen times, I gave up. Had to block the number to stop getting notifications asking me if I accepted the terms and conditions and wanted to be connected to a counselor. Go America. + +I guess I just want to go on record that I am begging for fucking help, just for someone to fucking care, I tried at least a dozen times over to engage with the AI interface to get an actual human being.... fucking shit. Fuck everything.",Depression +48208,"Here comes the low... Was in a good mood today and I feel it dissipating, I’m terrified of going back down into that pit. There’s no hope down there, only agony and self hatred. + +Why can’t I escape this? Why does my past always drive me to feeling suicidal?",Depression +48209,Sleep Any suggestion to sleep easily? I cant sleep until morning. Just lying in bed and wishing dead..,Depression +48210,"I can’t think of another reason why i am the way that i am, can you guys share your experiences I’m on medication and i do all the things people recommend, i got a bike for university so that i’d stop being sedentary, i try to keep my room clean and i even force myself to go out with friends and socialize. + +But i realized i don’t enjoy socialization, they say humans thrive on socialization, but I don’t feel that I do. + +People feels like a chore for some reason I never really miss my friends or miss going out with them. +Every time they ask me to go out I make up an excuse and humor them and on the rare occasion i did go with them I would go home early. They will try to prolong the outing as much as possible. Maybe have a couple of drinks and play video games late into the night but I genuinely can’t find it in me to wanna be around them and it isn’t about them as people they’re actually very sweet and accepting wonderful people. + +They are kind hearted and patient and one of them even cooks for us sometimes it isn’t about them. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I just can never seem to enjoy being around people it’s supposed to be healing to be a part of a community to feel like you belong, to go out with friends and to get out of the slump you are in. + +A lot of people tell me it’s not good to lay in bed all day or to be in inside your apartment, watching YouTube and movies and playing video games alone but I genuinely feel that I don’t have the same functions that other humans do I don’t have the thing that makes me want to be around others. It just isn’t an emotionally fulfilling experience. + +I don’t feel the need to be around other people and whenever I do go out with people, I look forward to just going home and relaxing and finally breathing and doing whatever i want. +I’m not sure why maybe it’s a personality clash? Maybe I just haven’t found my “people“ or someone that really understands me to the point where I would find their company enjoyable? I’m not sure all I know is I’ve never really had a friend that I wanted to spend that much time with if it were up to me, I would go weeks maybe even months without ever hanging out with friends even though I know it might be better for me mentally if I’m around people and put myself out there and meet new people as well but I genuinely do not crave human presence in my life and the happiest or at least the most content I’ve ever been is when I’m alone reading comics and drinking coffee in my bed. + +It isn’t like I don’t want to have friends I really do, when I have friends I just don’t really see their presence or company as a priority or a need in my life other than a conversation every now and then I never really seem to want to spend my free time on them. + +I’ve been like this my while life even during middle school. + +Anyone else? You guys think it’s depression or just extreme introversion lmao",Depression +48211,"Potentially failing my paper, because my head is empty and heavy. Procrastinating on accident. I have all the info. I just need to write it down. But just now, everything in my head is on ""I don't know what I'm doing"" mode. And thanks to depression, I have no spark to write. Curse me.",Depression +48212,How long until you see a difference in mood and anxiety with St. John’s wort?? How long until you see a difference in mood and anxiety with St. John’s wort??,Depression +48213,"Are my anti-depressants not working? I’ve (22F) have been on anti-depressants since I was 14, but I’ve never felt 100% better. I switched from Zoloft to Celexa about 2 years ago, and I’m currently taking the max dose of Celexa, but I still get pretty bad bouts of depression and anxiety at least a couple of times per week. I’m in therapy so I know of a variety of coping measures that I can take, such as exercise, journaling, spending time with friends/family, and breathing techniques, but none of those things seem to work. I don’t have any major problems or stressors in my life either, I’m just depressed for no reason 2-5 days per week. + +Does this mean that my anti-depressants aren’t working, or do I just kinda need to suck it up? I’m scared to try new anti-depressants bc of the withdrawals and potential worsening of my depression, so I’m not sure what the best thing for me is to do.",Depression +48214,"I feel things getting bad again For context 2022 was the YEAR of my life. I lived abroad and had a blast. My anxiety was still there but at a minimal. I never felt so happy. So happy at times I felt like I was going to burst. It was insane. +February of this year I came back home. Home isn't a good place for my mind. My parents are awful and I always feel like I'm dorwning when I'm home. I've been home since February and I feel things going dark again. I'm sleeping way too much. Have no energy or desire to do anything and the awful thoughts of mot living are coming back. +I'm in between places right now. Kicking off a new career, that's why I came home. But things are going slow and I cant move away right now. +I feel like I was on the bery top of life and now I'm in rock bottom again. I'm lost and confused and my mind keeps things how easy it would all be if I just want living anymore. +I dont want to have these thoughts or feel this way.",Depression +48215,"Feeling unworthy of love All of my relationships have failed. I’m 35 and divorced, just got dumped by a woman I loved, and can’t even make it work with guys. Everyone I’ve ever dated has ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Feeling like I’m destined to be alone forever.",Depression +48216,Stuck in a loop TW ED MENTION I feel trapped and stuck. Whenever I get super depressed I tend to eat a lot and because of my eating disorder it just ends up making me feel like more shit which causes me to binge and ect ect. I don't know how to stop,Depression +48217,I feel numb and I hate it I just can't feel honestly I feel hollow and I just can't seem to be happy. I dont like this feeling it feels like a black hole just sucking everything out of me if that makes sense. I dont know what to do. I'd prefer being constantly sad than this. I hate this feeling.,Depression +48218,"i’m scared that i’ll get depressed again in summer i’ve had depression for five years now. and i’ll just say that last summer was the worst. a lot of shitty things happened but long story short, i moved to a new city (a new country actually, so no family too) for college all by myself and was alone for a solid two months. my depression really hit rock bottom. i was so unstable and just… unwell. the only thing i looked forward to was talking to my therapist, who btw ended up being incredibly irresponsible. + +i’m now surrounded by lovely people but they’re all leaving the city for summer break. i can’t stop worrying that i’ll become depressed again. my plan for now is to take summer courses and pick up a campus job (e.g. working at the library). perhaps i’ll pick up a casual part-time job as well. i just want to make sure that i keep myself busy. last summer was tough cause i didn’t have the means to meet people and interact, and i’m hoping this time it’ll be different if i put myself out there. honestly though, i just can’t help but worry a lot. depression is my worst enemy and it lives inside me. at this point, i can’t let it fucking win again. + +i think of warm sunlight but instead of warmth i feel this intense sorrow. i want this to change. i want this summer to be a good time.",Depression +48219,"Mental health help??? I am finally looking to start getting help for my mental health. It has been a very long time coming and I just can't do it anymore. I believe I have several diagnoses, including ADHD, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and OCD. I am very very overwhelmed by the idea of sharing all of my inner thoughts with another person, even someone who is helping me, and all the uncertainty of what exactly to expect is making me feel a bit hesitant to get started. A friend recommended I begin with my regular primary care doctor, but I am unsure of this. Are PCPs able to diagnose all of these issues, some, or none? At what point would my primary care doctor likely just send me to a psychiatrist rather than diagnosing me herself? Just looking for some help/answers about what to expect at an appointment with my primary care doctor so I feel a little less overwhelmed :)",Depression +48220,Family How so most of you deal with your families? As the oldest there’s so much responsibility just thrown on me and it sucks. Our dad bailed on us when we were younger so it’s just my mom. For as long as I could remember my life has been nothing but stressful. I’m 22 currently with the youngest siblings I live with being 19. Im the only one with a job and it’s been driving me into an even further hole. My sister has been such a bitch to me lately and I don’t know why. I barely interact with them cause they just always give me suicidal/murderous thoughts. They always have my blood pressure going through the roof and giving me constant headaches. I try to tell my mom about it but she’s under a stern belief that black people cant be depressed and suicidal. It’s only for “white” people as she claims. I can’t afford therapy atm and I just want to leave but I can’t. Any suggestions on what I should do?,Depression +48221,"Depression? I’m 23 years old, and used to be happy and had motivation and wanted to work and do things. Last couple of years, I’ve had no motivation, it’s hard to work, I feel lazy, I feel slow, I can barley talk to people without sounding stupid and it’s hard for me to listen and remember what people are saying to me. Basically I just always feel tired and slow and no motivation. I know I’m a smart person, but I feel dumb at the Same time, like it’s hard for me to learn things, but once I do learn it, I’m really good at it. I also feel like I have issues learning, because I overthink things and think I will fuck up somehow and think about how there is no way I can do this. I was off work for a long time due to COVID, fucked up sleep schedule, etc. and then I got laser eye surgery, I got almost every complication from it (made me really depressed), and then I lost my job for not getting fired (also made me really depressed cause I’ve been there for 8 years). Now I just feel like shit and don’t know if it’s actually depression and a problem. Lasik and COVID really fucked me.",Depression +48222,"Tired of the endless, pointless grind. Tired of being sad and lonely. Tired of this world. Wake up and everyday is the same. This morning I realize it’s been three days since I’ve talked to anyone, no calls or texts. No friends, no girlfriend. I live at home with my parents, at an age where I should’ve been moved out by now. Tired of lies and promises that meant nothing, tired of a life that means nothing. All these years of youth wasted doing nothing. Tired of how competitive everything is, because I’m tired of fighting. Left behind by people who said they would always be there, until it wasn’t convenient anymore. Broke, ugly, tired and burnt out on this life. Maybe it could be worse, but that just makes me hate life more. Everyone acts like you have an obligation to this life. You’re obligated to get a job, make money, make a life for yourself. But I never asked for this life in the first place. I wish I could go back now, to that moment I was about to be born and press a button to cancel my life before it started. Even my high points can’t cancel out all the negative, and I’m tired of looking for an end that’s nowhere in sight.",Depression +48223,"How long does it take to know if an antidepressant is going to work or I need to try a different one? I’ve tried 4 now where they made it worse/the side effects where unbearable, but now I’ve been on sertraline and the side effects are tolerable but hasn’t helped with my anxiety or depression. + +It’s been 4 weeks and today the nurse practitioner gave me the choice to try something else or increase the dose. I asked her what I should do but she said it was up to me. I didn’t know what I should do so I just said increase the dose because the pills are cheap and I have to pay full price for everything until I hit my deductible. I don’t know if a month is too short to know or if should be seeing a little improvement by now. + +I’m starting to think I should have chose a different medicine but I don’t know maybe I am jumping the gun here and I should just stick it out. This medicine makes me really tired",Depression +48224,"Seroquel gives me bad trips? I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety I take 400mg seroquel for sleep and have a weird side effect , when I take it makes me have those sudden life realisations about my self *really bad thoughts” + +Exactly like a bad weed trip and that’s why I stopped smoking weed . + +It’s weird since I’ve tried all drugs from benzos and opium to ssris and snri and it’s the only drug that makes me feel this way + +Why I am feeling this way? I searched a lot and couldn’t find people with the same problem",Depression +48225,Reached the finish line I think this is it for me my birthday is next week and I don’t see that I make it to then. I find it sad I’ll never get to live my life to the fullest and am gonna miss out on a lot. But I kinda find it peaceful that all the bad thoughts are going to stop. Sorry everyone,Depression +48226,"Moved away to be married, why can't I be happy? I'm supposed to be happy Trigger warnings btw + +Hi, idk if this is in the right place but I just need to get stuff out. +I (24f) should be so happy an excited, I'm getting married next week. I love my Fiance, and I want to marry him. +But I've had to move hundreds of miles away from my mum and my friends. +I have BPD and probably autism, but NHS won't help me get diagnosis for either. + +I haven't been working and been living with my parents becase of depression. Now because me and husband can barely afford a basic place to live I will have to work. And I want to. I want to be so capable and successful and hard working but I just want to kms anytime I think of getting up and going out. + +I've only been living in my new town a week, and everytime i remember im not going home i feel so depressed. + +All my Fiance can say is he's sorry. But that doesn't fix anything or help me or comfort me at all, and my BPD shuts any suggestions he has down because substitues wont help. I don't know anyone here, and everyone in my community is old. And whilst yes old people can make lovely friends, It's not the same. + +I can't drive, afford to drive or have the mental stability to drive so I feel so lonely and depressed. + +And I feel so awful for my fiance when I'm literally saying I'm depressed and I don't want to be here. + +I just want to be hit by a car or something, every day my brain says stuff like that and I'm so tired of holding it together. + +I don't want to be here. And yet as always I'll carry on. I'll just ""cope"". I won't kms. But it hurts all the same.",Depression +48227,"im so exhausted of everyone in my life everyone is frustrating . i always have to be the one doing the move and socialize first . if i dont i just + stay the way im . the only person that i talk to , i always have the feeling like im annoying them , they r only nice bcz they feel bad fr me fr being aloner .",Depression +48228,"Can you hold on? There's that pain deep in you that cuts through you, but are you strong enough to tie the knot and hold on to a hope that it's gonna get better?",Depression +48229,"I have finally been able to see my anxiety and I'm heartbroken For as long as I can remember, I have always suffered from anxiety. Perhaps it runs in my family. Yet I was never able to name it or put a label on it. During COVID, it took a toll on me and the biggest hit was taken by my marriage. For past half year, so much has happened in my life that I feel like I am living someone else's life. The only good thing that has come out of it, is my ability to finally see my anxiety building up and how I channel it. I am so heartbroken to see that I mostly took my anxiety and put it in my marriage. + +Anxiety builds up in me for various reasons. Sometimes, it is related to work, sometimes things not going my way, or sometimes pretty mundane things. It slowly creeps in me and my mood is spoiled. Previously I was never able to tell that anxiety had built up in me. I would only become aware of it when I blew the lid on something. During COVID, the unfortunate victim became my spouse. I also blew up my relationship with my boss during that time. So once I spoiled the mood around me, or picked up a fight, I would see that things are fucked up. I always blamed the spouse, work or boss for the fight or issues, yet the culprit was mostly my anxiety that slowly built up and got channeled where I had hidden resentments. + +It is only during past week that I have finally been able to see the pattern and it is startling. I feel so ashamed and resentful. The sad truth is that I don't see any quick remedy for this either. You see, there will always be some dormant resentments inside me. There are issues between me and my spouse, that we cannot agree on. There will always be resentment which I have how I get treated at work or how I handle more work than the others etc. And whenever anxiety builds up, it needs a channel for relief. I'm afraid my mind will always pick these targets over and over. + +I have come to this community to ask for your advice, that what I feel is also how you have felt at some time? I want to take this anxiety and channel it for something constructive. I can't change my spouse, I can't get that promotion. But I can always put effort to find a new job, always choose kindness for my spouse instead of turning things to arguments. How does one make this change? How not being able to channel this energy constructively not become an anxiety in itself too? I need some encouragement and guidance. Thanks",Depression +48230,"Wasting away First time Poster so I apologize in advance for any formating issues. +I just came to realize how numb I feel today. For some contest I (24F) have been struggling mentally pretty much since childhood.I've had low self-confidence,anxiety and have been pretty depressed for as long as I can remember. Life has always kinda sucked and any good times usually don't last more than a couple of days so I guess all the hurt and disappointment has been building up and now I'm almost completely numb aside from the random anxiety attacks at 3am. +I've been aware of this for a while, but the sheer extent of how tired I am and how I don't care about anything anymore hit me today when I found out that all the neglect towards my studies has caught up to me and will most likely result in me either barely passing uni or not even being able to graduate meaning I will have no degree and just wasted a bunch of time for nothing. The tought of that used to scare me, but now I just don't care that much . I am so lost on how to improve but at the same time I don't have the desire to do anything about it. All I wanna do is sleep and not wake up I wish time would just stop. I don't know why I'm writing this for some advice maybe ?or just venting to strangers online is alot easier and cheaper than therapy.",Depression +48231,I will never be grateful for a life I don't want to live. That's it,Depression +48232,"People with depression are strong as fuck. Seriously, every single one of us are fucking warriors. + +From the monumental effort it takes to drag ourselves into consciousness when we just want to sleep forever to showing up at work & pretending you haven’t spent the morning crying or thinking of hurting yourself or wanting to just check out permanently or all of the above. + +I know it’s horrible that we do have to deal with it, but taking a second to recognize how monumentally tough we are is important I think as we always get stuck on the things we hate about ourselves. +It is one positive thing that every person reading this who is battling depression, the absolute Herculean strength we have is absolutely incredible. + +If you’re reading this, you are incredible, the strength you show every single day is something that most people can’t even fathom. + +I had a bad day today & wanted to try & shed some positivity on it & share that with anyone else struggling right now. + +You are brilliant.",Depression +48233,"nobody can change my mind anymore. i’ll do it soon, just soon. just you fucking wait. i’m sick of living, nobody can change my mind anymore yeah",Depression +48234,"❤️ This group makes me realize that we all suffer the human condition… Never feel alone, millions of people are going through the exact same thoughts as you. PLEASE do not feel like the odd one out. My moms dad and brother committed suicide… they missed out on kids, grandkids, weddings, holidays, family vacations, belly laughs, ect. Pain in life is guaranteed, but so are good moments. Everything, and I mean everything gets better in time, one day you will look back and the things that matter to you now won’t even cross your mind. You can and WILL get out of this dark hole. Be patient with yourself, forgive yourself. You can heal and your life can be better than what it is now ❤️ I know it does not seem like it, and I know you will roll your eyes, flip over in bed and indulge in your depression, but day by day it will lift. Get fresh air, feel the sunshine, sit by the beach or in nature. Talk to a loved one or friend. Write in a journal. Eat something you like and take a nice hot shower and put on your favorite show. Keep going",Depression +48235,"does it ever get better? i (23F) have been struggling with my mental health since i was 13. + +i started taking sertraline for anxiety about two years ago, which helps some but not for the panic attacks. + +ive started mirtazapine for sleeping which helps. + +but the depression is something that hasnt gone away. most days, its manageable. im good for a couple weeks, i do my schoolwork, i clean, im motivated to do everything and anything, i feel amazing. then for a couple weeks its bad again, i struggle to get up and go to school, my rooms a disaster, i shut down and it just seems like ill always be in this cycle.",Depression +48236,"I need help. TW: self harm + +Lately I've been feeling really upset. Things have been bad since I was little but I'm considering giving up. I'm only 15 and I've been cutting myself since I was 12. I feel like nothing I do is good enough and I thought I could do everything alone but I can't. Everything is piling up and I just feel so alone. I don't think I can keep doing this. Everything is just going to shit for me. +People keep taking advantage of my care and kindness, everyone keeps leaving me, I miss my mother even though she was a drinker, I'm so tired. Mentally and physically. I don't know what to do. I can't fix myself. But I'm trying so hard to.",Depression +48237,"I deserve to suffer. I feel like I was meant to feel miserable. I try to put myself out there but instead I get treated like shit. Nobody care about me as a person. I get used and eventually discarded like trash. I don’t even classify myself as a human nor do I classify myself as a live creature. I just exist. I’m just a walking and talking object. I’m nearing my wits end, nothing seems to get any better, nor do think it ever will. I feel like the only way to improve, is to take my own life.",Depression +48238,"When does it all stop When do the tears stop. When does this empty feeling stop. When does the erge to selfharm stop. When does the pain stop. +Im tired of crying myself to sleep and having no one to talk to about this. They see me happy one day and the following they try list all my triggers. + +I feel like the only reason i havnt killed myself is because of my sister. Shes the only one that understands why i take the pills. Shes the only one who asks how im going on a specific day. But again she is a child so i know i cannot burden her with these thoughts. And she cannot become the people i need her to be and her words are starting to sound like whispers compared to the screaming pain. + +Everytime they bring up the pills it makes me feel even more useless than i already feel. Everytime I have to remind someone how to love me i somehoe loose the love i have for myself. I see you trying but its just not enough. When does the pain of it all end. Will i ever be happy in this life? Or should i just give up whiles its still early?",Depression +48239,"is it possible that on some days you feel way more tired then the other day even if you feel like your sleep was the same as those other days? one of the main symptoms of clinical depression is feeling tired, but is it possible that on some days you feel way more tired then the other day even if you feel like your sleep was the same as those other days?",Depression +48240,"i find it hard to cry and am so overwhelmed I was depressed for many months and took help from therapist,so I was prescribed with depressents.I actually improved a lot I have some peace of mind now, but I am not able to cry even if I want to remove the negative emotion.Hardly I just cry 2 drops not more than that hence I try watching sad movies which makes me cry.Idk wht to do.",Depression +48241,Feeling depressed and sad.. currently in the military stationed overseas…. it’s the weekend and i don’t have much planned except HW. i think staying in the barracks is what makes me even more depressed but today just feels super ehhh…. i’m in a LDR and i won’t be home for another 80 days with seems so far away. i just miss my family and friends and wish i could be home with everyone i know and love.,Depression +48242,"I'm suicidal How to deal with depression? I am an engineering student and we are a poor family. We are not financially stable. And I am failing my class. I always do my best and still fail. I don't have a healthy relationship with my family. I feel like my parents doesn't love/want me to he their child. Everyone keeps on leaving me. I don't have anyone to vent out. I don't have friends in school since I am an irregular student. The girl I love just ghosted me today. I don't have anybody right now. These past few days has been rough (all my life has been rough) and coz of that I've been always thinking of ending my life. All I have is myself. And I want to end my suffering. I've been dealing with this with all my life. I just celebrated my birthday last friday and it's the first time I celebrated my bday since I'm thinking that it's my last and I just wanna have fun, but during my bday, I lost my friends and I lost my girl. So yea, I just want to end my life right now. I don't know how to cope with this :>",Depression +48243,"My partner just came home so angry he immediately left to work out. I feel so bad. I feel this is my fault Needing a rant, and maybe support from people who have been through similar + +I guess this is a rant? Or maybe just asking if people have been in similar situations. + +Edit to add, I'm in Scotland. + +So I've been off work for a year now with severe MH, had 2 S attempts and multiple SH requiring hospitalisation last year. + +I'm on duloxetine 120mg for severe depression, underactive thyroid which I take lebothyroxine for,I have narcolepsy and take 200mg modafinil for that, and I have a blood disorder (cancer?) Currently undergoing tests. All these things major symptom is chronic exhaustion but I also have chronic pain (R knee operated on 2020 and currently waiting on L knee op), we're querying fibromyalgia. + +I applied for ADP in November last year, and submitted my part 2 in December. +I submitted as part of my supporting evidence a short patient summary from my GP, my medication list (Inc up to date prescription repeats forms), letters from my therapist, letters from the police (involvement after S and severe SH), letters from my mental health team, letters from psych, and a letter from my GP detailing all above and support. + +I've heard nothing from ADP so today went to online chat and was told it's been picked up by a case manager (yay) , but that they've requested more SI from my GP. + +What?!?!? + +What else could they need? And if they've requested that from GP it'll take months before I hear. It took my GP 5 months just to write the support letter they did write. + +So now I'm in an anxiety spiral because if they're gonna deny my claim I wish they would just fucking tell me instead of making me wait 6+months. All the while I can't afford my mortgage and I'm getting deeper and deeper in debt. + + +Urgh. Rant over.",Depression +48244,"Canceled once Again +My therapy got canceled and I really need it. I got things I want to say and I want to work through this crap I'm going through, but my appointments keep getting pushed and pushed and I'm irritated and I'm angry and I'm furious that I'm in this alone. I want to work through my issues but I can't because i can't talk to anyone and I have to wait 2 weeks for my first damn appointment and it sucks cuz I have school and It’s stressing me out. I feel the universe is against me. I hate being told by the universe that this is for my own good and that I must go through this In order to be a better person. it feels like a power over me. Like I'm being controlled by someone. I hate someone controlling me and telling me it's for my own good, it's degrading and I hate it and I hate it and hate it and my mind is manipulating me to feel like I need to be kind. My mind is against me and I have to push through even when its against me. I feel like the victim I hate being the victim I can feel sad in peace because I have a mind that sabtoges me. I wish I could just be unaware and feel my feelings without having to play devils advocate with myself thus nullifying or undermining my feelings. My mom is being a bitch she litrally doesn't understand that her words hurt but she laughs like it's funny and she makes me want to hit her because fuck that shit hurts and I want to hurt you the way you are fucking hurting me. I need help they say reach out for help but help has a schedule and she need you to wait till she's is available. Why do I have to follow these rules i hate these damn rules.",Depression +48245,"Just another unhappy life? I‘m so unhappy. I dislike myself and my life so fundamentally, I don’t know how to fix it. I think I’m nothing much of anything and there doesn’t seem to be potential for growth. I’ve been wasting away to be honest. I don’t care about life, and the truly shitty thing seems to be, that nobody seems to be worth fighting to keep being. I’ve played along but it’s getting harder each day. My own dishonesty about how deep this runs has just been coming up a lot lately. I’m just always looking at the clock for time to pass, for oblivion to enter. I cannot stand existing, maybe that’s called depression, with other issues included, that just don’t seem worth solving at this point. So I’m just wondering, how is your life? How are you fairing and dealing with this? Do you have family that motivates you? Friends? Do you find ways to love life or make it work or worth it somehow? Are you ever angry?",Depression +48246,"I want to give up Can't stop being toxic + +I know I don't want to be but I can't change",Depression +48247,"No motivation As the title says , i have lost motivation to do anything in life. +I can write thousands of word but i will try to keep it short. + +I used to have keen interest in music and astronomy.. i loved watching movies and tv shows too. + +But since last 4-5 months , it's like nothing excites me anymore. I can't enjoy anything now. +I feel bored with myself, whenever i am talking with someone they get bored of me ( which is obvious because i never have anything to talk about). + +Everything feels so bland. +And even when i think about how i can inculcate some new hobbies in me.. it doesn't really help me feel any better. + +It feels like.. there is nothing left in this world that can satisfy me or give me purpose atleast.",Depression +48248,"How to explain the cause of my depression to a therapist? I have been depressed for 3-4 years because I am unattractive to women. It's not their fault that they don't find me attractive, the problem is me because I am not cool enough for them. + +I get very anxious when talking to girls because I always feel that something bad is gonna happen. That repells them and even if they found me attractive they end up telling me that they are not interested. + + +How do I explain this to a therapist and how is he/she gonna help me? I feel like this problem is impossible to fix because you can't make a person (me) attractive.",Depression +48249,"Second day of over dosing lorazepam, hoping it will end this reality as i sleep I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, yesterday i took 7 mg and today 10",Depression +48250,"Why am I so happy now? Last week I was planning on ending it all being serious. + +But I woke up today and just felt happy, I’ve been smiling all day for no reason it’s like depression but in reverse + +Keep in mind nothing changed same ole same ole + +Is there any reason for this? + +Thanks",Depression +48251,"How can i best support my friend? ((throwaway because a common friend follows my main account)) + +Some brief background info: +I have autism so I may not always understand all social cues. Neither my friend nor I live in the US. + +I have a friend going through a hard time right now. He has depression and recently has been experiencing all sorts of physcial issues. He's had depression before I even met him and have never seen him this low. He also has money problems and thus can't afford treatment for his physical issues atm. + +What's the best way to support him? +I cannot support him financially since i also have almost no money. + Whenever i talk to him he gives short and/or snappy answers and is generally in a bad mood. Whenever I talk about positive things, it feels preachy or that I'm ""rubbing happiness in his face"". Whenever i try to talk about neutral things (basically small talk) the conversation dies off. So he's understandably a bit difficult to talk to as of late. + +I admit, it's difficult and hurtful at times but I just want to know what would be the best way to provide my support. + + Any and all clarifying questions are welcome, I just want to provide the best support I can.",Depression +48252,"I wish I hadn't been born,, help I mean, it's as simple as that. +I'm tired of living like this. Tired of living in general, and everything it involves — interpersonal relationships, people, politics, economy, thinking, expectatives. All that crap makes me feel like shit and I wish I could turn it all off. + +However I don't want to die. That would hurt the people around me. That would hurt my mom. And my little sister. And, unlike other situations, I wouldn't be here to (at least try to) fix it. They'd be left with the same nothingness that I feel, but worse cuz ofc death of a loved one is worse than just my own personal regrets. + +So I just wish I hadn't been born. That my mom had had a miscarriage — that would've hurt, yeah, but not for long —, or that I'd never been conceived, or something. I wish I was a blank space in the Universe. Something that had never existed. A hole or something like that. +They say energy can't be destructed and I wish it wasn't like that. I wish I could just disappear completely from existence and leave no trace, I wish people would just forget everything about me so I could die without it being a sin. + +Is there a way to stop feeling like this? Cuz the only way to stop existing is dying, and I've already said why I don't want to kms, exactly. Is there a way to avoid it? Can it get better?",Depression +48253,"I feel like I'm still here just for the sake of my own suffering. I don't understand why I've had hope that things will ever change. My brain is, and will always be, broken and I can't go through a single day without feeling the heaviness of my own existence. I suffer by living through every meaningless day. Other than the 2 times or so a year I get the chance to step out of my everyday situation, have a getaway and forget who I am, I have a hard time seeing why I bother going to that effort at all when I would rather be dead for most of it.",Depression +48254,"Having trouble eating, sleeping, relaxing. I'm just so lonely and in my head all the time. I'm trying so hard to make friends, but idk how. It all makes me angry at society as a whole for leaving me all alone. I've wanted friends my whole life. I haven't had any in 20 years. And all I can wonder is why the fuck nobody wants to be near me, or to talk to me, or to even ask me questions. I feel like everyone is actively avoiding me at this point. And I hate them for it. I hate living because of everyone.",Depression +48255,"Honestly, which antidepressant withdrawal is not poop? I go to every sub in Bupropion, Escitalopram, Paroxetine, Effexor, Sertraline, Duloxetine, Mirtazapine, Amitriptyline, Fluoxetine, and I can list more, but every sub says ""this med has the worst withdrawal"". + +Yeah, withdrawals and discontinuation syndromes suck. But discouraging people from taking medication X that his doc prescribed now he's scared to take it is immoral. + +You had this experience, fine, doesn't mean he will. I saw a post on someone taking clonazepam for years on 6 mgs a day. + +He stupidly cold-turkey'd one day and even months later he had no withdrawals. Other's might have lethal seizures. + +It's very annoying to see a question about medication X and then tons of comments practically tell him not to take it because of withdrawals. + +Withdrawals are normal, so are discontinuation syndromes. You must go through it for 1 - 2 weeks, yes, very uncomfortable. I also suffered it. But this is not a reason to discourage someone to take the medication he was prescribed for his illness. + +Not to mention, he is not you. He/She might not experience the same things you did. + +Nice day, ladies and gentlemen",Depression +48256,Yes it hurts to try when you know you will fail again so stop telling me to try.,Depression +48257,"Sometimes emptiness is harder than feeling something Just feel like a bag of bones, doin nothing in my life, cause I always felt like I won’t fit anywhere. +At least, I hate this world, society, humans. +The school system destroyed me, but I did my best to persevere and try to go the furthest I could. +But now that I’m considered as an adult in this world I just feel too different to achieve anything, +and my opinions (political or philosophical) are just making me so sure about the fact that getting the life that everybody already has, having a work, getting paid, consuming for your pleasure, your needs +being officially included in this consumer society, as a consumer, won't fix anything. +I couldn’t even enjoy my childhood, same with my teenage years. +How am I supposed to have the strength to at least have hope for adulthood? +I’m too tired, this world is sick, +a huge amount of people in this planet talk about happiness as if it were more present than misery. + I can't stand this hypocrisy anymore. +It’s making me feel +🔃",Depression +48258,"I have made a deal with my depression and this shitty reality I am 21 male and currently experiencing major depression. But anyways, I’m too young to kill myself rn and I got things to see and do before I go. Travel, see nature, more romantic experiences, etc. The world is bs as we all know but if I can reach it to 40 I can end it there. On my birthday too. Til then I will to FIGHT to improve myself an acceptable amount and then when the time come I’ll be out. No more anxiety or thinking about death, I’ll face it head on when the time is right. (If I don’t die by another cause before that but hopefully not)",Depression +48259,What’s your go-to show to watch for when you’re depressed? Shows that’ll cheer you up specifically,Depression +48260,"How do you cope with friends/family, that really know you and have seen you before depression diagnosis? Have you had a dear friend tell you that you’re not doing well? Or say things like “you should snap out of it”, “you’re not socializing and that’s bad”, “you took time to get better and you’re getting worse”, “your environment is unhealthy”? + +I’m struggling with depression and anxiety along with chronic back and neck pain. I’m currently on temporary disability for the past five months. I’ve been doing therapy with a therapist every week, plus physical therapy. I’m also on medication for depression/anxiety for over a year. My symptoms haven’t changed. I’ve shared my heart with friends. And recently a friend told me that I’ve been better in the past, and that friendship is a two way road. It can’t be one sided. This is true. I haven’t been to see her since she moved two hours away in November. We chat on video chat and text message several times a week. I am dealing with anxiety about traveling and going outside my house. I’m working on it with a therapist and it is slow going. + +I love my friend dearly and I asked that we take a break from talking because her seeing me this way is difficult to watch (friends words) and it’s not healthy for me to feel bad about myself after chatting with her. + +I’m reaching out to this community in hopes of finding support in a depressive state.",Depression +48261,"Jobless, depressed, unmotivated 26 year old loser I’m a 26 year old woman still living at home with mom and step dad. I live in the outskirts of Los Angeles so it’s not like I’m in the most affordable of areas but ya… I went to school got 2 associates degrees and then just dropped out after that. I haven’t really done anything since, just hopped around from job to job, up until recently where I went through another horrible depressive episode and missed a few days of work and for the first time in my life got FIRED! I deserved it but wow has it made me realize how not normal I really am. I’ve been depressed and horrible anxious since I can remember and it’s gotten in the way of everything and everyone my entire life… i guess my question here is what should I start doing with my life? I feel as though I want a fresh start. I’ve been sitting here for the past week and I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do. All I know is I can not work another customer service job, I hate them so much. Please give suggestions on job paths for people like me. Thank you!!!",Depression +48262,Everything is so hard Why is everything unexpectedly hard when i am faced with it?,Depression +48263,"Firing a Therapist ? Anyone fired a long time Therapist ? + +Not happy with discussion or results . + +So hard to find, afraid to stop. + +Thoughts ?",Depression +48264,"Why do I find the Spring so depressing? A lot of people talk about the Winter blues, but for me Spring by far (at least in recent years), is painfully depressing. + +It’s like the smell in the air, mixed with the temperature and longer/brighter daytime present this fake sense of happiness. + +It’s as if when I’m outside, things seem “too happy” and that scent in the air is gut-wrenchingly nostalgic of a past-time that can never be felt or experienced again. Because I’m not capable of it and I’m too worn-down to, anyway. + +I actually remember when I was little (29 now) that I loved clear, sunny weather. I looked up the forecast almost obsessively ahead of time, banking on those days of where there are no clouds to block the sun. Not even partly cloudy. + +It’s perplexing to think I was once like this since nowadays, I despise sunny weather. I genuinely feel better and more comfortable when it is cloudy with rain. Especially the eccentric types of weather where it looks as if nighttime has arrived too early, but instead it’s just a storm brewing. Not to mention, I am at my peak mindset and performance late at night. + +What the hell happened.",Depression +48265,"Not sure what to do! I have done everything possible! TW This is a new account because I don't want it linked to my old one. I have had quite a lot of awful things happen to me in the last 10 months, which most of which I reconise is entirely my fault. I had a miscarriage and was very horribly assulted by a man which caused me to spiral, develop an eating disorder, take far too many drugs and drink too much, cheat on my love of my life and break up with him, I got sober and became friends again with my now exbf and I did a lot of healing and (now have ) celebrated 200 days sober. It had been about 5/6 months and me and my ex boyfriend at the time who were incredibly close (after I got sober) despite all the arguements and it became a bit of a situationship and we then got back together. We were together for 2 and a bit months and it was really very wonderful apart from maybe two problems and he was still healing from my betrayal, which I will always carry the guilt. He then broke up with me around 5 weeks ago and I am at my whits end. I have a 6 week thearpy course I paid for which will end in two weeks. I have now gotten it in my head I am deserving of all my guilt and pain, which I am for most of it DEFO - I am not looking for sympathy dw - but I have convinced myself walking around today that the next earth shattering or heart breaking thing I will walk into traffic or try and end my life in a way that makes it looks accidental so no one has the burden. This deep suicidal ideation has happened before but it feels really final this time, now I have basically no one to bother with this news espeically since I am a teacher. any comments would be helpful on what to do.",Depression +48266,"Help. I'm in a situation worse than killing myself. I can't seem to talk to anyone truthfully about how I feel. No one respects me anymore. Give importance to what I do, respect my job, see my importance, or even care about how I feel. I'm so frustrated to the point that I can only hurt myself but can't kill myself. I have a little boy that keeps me going but I don't know up until when or how far I can go. I'm trapped in this cycle for years with no resolution.",Depression +48267,Intensive outpatient therapy program Hello has anyone here been in a 3 week intensive therapy program where it's you learn coping skills amd other things with a psychiatrist. I'm start one as soon as my referal goes thru and she said sessions with be Monday & Wednesdays 1 to 4 for 3 weeks. Can anyone give insight ?,Depression +48268,"Starting to really hate myself Im really mad at myself and get anger issues I keep inside of me… I feel like going on a rampage, go absolutely insane.. +Main reason is because usually when I mess things up with a girl for being too shy or nervous… I could really go fucking crazy and I can’t fix it… I overthink situations with girls too much so I hesitate and miss my chance. Right after that I just wanna rage!!! + +I then later feel more depressed and it really affects my mood and mental health",Depression +48269,"I wish I were a kid again Not having responsibilities, getting excited over the little things in life, making friends was way easier. I was obsessed with Pokémon and spent most of my days biking around the neighborhood with friends, just doing kid stuff like trying to invent new parkour tricks. Having fun felt so effortless. + +The things I would do to go back even for a day. I genuinely don't think I'll ever be as happy again and that just crushes me",Depression +48270,Life sucks when you don't have freedom from a 9-5 I am convinced working just makes me depressed. Dealing with people as a loner on a regular basis is draining. Wish I was rich and could leave it all behind.,Depression +48271,"What is the best way to get through a depressive episode? My depression has definitely improved over the years yet, I still will get these really bad depressive episodes that lasts a few weeks (almost a month). I’m not sure what triggers it. I just need advice on how to handle it better. I’m also in therapy and I’ve decided to take a break from smoking to see if that would help but, it’s not :/",Depression +48272,"i just can’t stop crying it’s been 3 months of nonstop stress and financial troubles. i can’t stop crying. every single day i start scream crying at least once. + +it’s all so hard and i so wish i could see the beauty, calm and strength in life. i miss it so badly and i know it’s still there and i want to be around to see it. + +i wish i could run away and change my name and live a life with grace and beauty and dignity. i’m so tired and distraught",Depression +48273,"2 week depression episode Hi Everyone, + +I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year, but had probably been dealing with it my whole life. + +I have a handful of medications that have helped me a lot, but occasionally I get these slumps of depression still. + +Before they always seemed to line up with PMS so I attributed them to that, but this one is on the opposite part of my cycle. I feel like I'm wasting my cycles best time! + +Anyway, I'm struggling to find a trigger. Was there a trigger? I'll obviously discuss this with my psychiatrist, but I don't know. + +I guess I just want to hear other's experiences with this type of episode. I went from high energy and cooking dinner to not being able to shower or work? I felt disconnected from my partner, like we were more in an arrangement to be married, not in love. That sounds awful, but my emotions just weren't there. I think I'm coming out of it now, I took a shower, got my eyebrows done, and had my legs waxed. Maybe I'll pay to get a Mani/Pedi. + +Thank you for reading my ramble. +Is this just life with depression?",Depression +48274,"I got the big sad but I prefer it that way I (24) m for the past 10 years have been pretty depressed since I grew up moving home to home among my relatives constantly being around drugs and alcohol. Since I move around a lot I can't get a real attachment to anyone which is sad for me with the exception is my GF of 7 soon to be 8 years. But I lately I've begun to realize that I feel more comfortable being a depressed guy than happy, it's more like I rather be sad and tired so others can be happy. For example my gf's family have taken me in as their own even giving me the nickname ""Mikwap"" (mee-gwap) which roughly translated to home in our language. + +Anyways, I wouldn't say no to them when they asked something of me. Nothing too crazy, simple things like small chores that theirs children refuse to do, lend them money when they need, or drive 4+ hours for an event. There are more things. But I do stuff like this for my actual family too and it's making me feel drained mentally and physically which leeds to my depression. I don't have a lot of time to myself and I struggled with nearly becoming an alcoholic. I sacrifice myself like this because I want to see everyone smile and be comfortable especially the children in both families. I don't want them to have a hard life moving around or being around drugs and alcohol. Lately my gf has been telling me not to worry about everyone so much and take time to myself. I considered it but I'm worried something will happen if I'm not around to help. + +I'm at work right now while I type this. And would like some outside opinions. + +Also I'm sorry about the title, I just use small amounts of humors to hide my depression",Depression +48275,"Can someone relate or am I broken? I need to premise this with saying that I recognise that I drink as it is the only time I don't feel anxious anymore, and it's a vicious cycle. And so, please, telling me that stopping drinking is an obvious step I am taking now and it certainly doesn't help to say this to me now. + +Recently, I have been feeling increasingly anxious and paranoid after drinking about things I may have done or said during the night. This is obviously even worse if there are moments of the night I don't remember or if I blackout. + +After a recent night out, I dont remember going back home from the club with some colleagues who I am semi close with (im new to the job). There is basically a 200meter walk home that I dont remember. I asked, and I was told by them that I was very drunk and was vomiting, but other than that it was a great night and we should do it again. + +However, I am absolutely convinced that I said or did something bad that night. Just like I'm always convinced I did something bad the previous time. That I maybe told them I want to rape/hurt/abuse someone, or that I was racist towards someone, or that I said a secret. And even if they said that it was absolutely fine, I'm convinced that they are hiding something from me, that they are waiting for the perfect moment to expose me. That they are all laughing/talking behind my back. I feel like I ruminate over scenarios I may not remember or know even happen, so much, that memories almost build themselves in my head and from moment to moment a memory is more and more vivid. + +This is not a new thing in my life, I wake up terrified of checking my phone for embarrassing or illegal things I may have done, if there's a murder in the news I check the location to ensure there was no chance it could be me. + +The same happens in my sober life. I convince myself that someone is angry at me so I will spend literal hours looking over a phone chat between us. Thoughts or worries plant themselves in my head and I cannot let them go. One day I raped someone, the next I have cancer. One day I pissed someone off, the next day the past is coming to get me. I'm terrified of getting out of bed as something will trigger panic. + +If someone can relate to this then I virtually plead for a comment or chat. I feel like I am losing control of my thoughts and emotions and this goes for sober life as much as when I drink.",Depression +48276,"bad I'm probably not as intense than anyone here idk. But i feel... Alone? Not my parents not my friend in school nobody barely caare about me. Not even talking none. I feel this heart of mine is just as empty as a loud barrel and as freezing as morning winter in the mountains. Im tired of trying, trying to make them even glance at me, i tried all the thigs i could think of such as being more talkative, pop more jokes, they do laugh but i don't feel any noteable form of relationship. +At First i thought i could fight by myself so even if i have no mental support i could breach through life but as days come it gets worse, now everytime i think about it my neck and arm feels itchy and tingly. I don't want to die but at the same time i dont want to continue. I wish there is this option of sleeping it away forever. +Tbf why am i even writing this, what? did i think somebody gonna come and care? Ridiculous.",Depression +48277,Exhausted just existing everyday So tired of doing life and being here. I'm slowly just falling apart AGAIN yet I'm supposed to just keep on going for whatever reason. I don't even understand the point of life anymore. Nothing matters to me anymore and its scaring me that I just don't feel like living anymore. Here we go again down this spiral.,Depression +48278,"Selfishness ""I don't feel very good, it's like I don't belong in this world (I don't think I ever did). My friends are happy, and I'm always the one who's not really funny and who ruins the mood. So now I try to say as little as possible, people always ask me if I'm okay, if I'm tired, or worse, they say I'm scary. I think I'm just a mistake. People must find me weird or creepy, it's ruining me. A few years ago, my brother committed suicide, I felt very close to him, I think about his death all the time, I wish I could start my life over again and make the right choices (for once). What affects me the most is girls, I think... It's ridiculous, but I would love to have a relationship with a (very) pretty girl. Sometimes I think I've suffered so much that I would at least deserve that. I saw the damage my brother's death caused in my family, now I think if I didn't have a family to make suffer => suicide. My message is so selfish, and I know it. Thank you for reading these few lines..."" + +\-Lust",Depression +48279,"this isn’t the same place even though it’s literally the same place physically. When I look back 1 year ago for example, it’s not so much that it feels like life has changed, but more like it’s absolutely not the same reality. I’m in the exact same house that I was in, the exact same rooms, and the exact same backyards, but it’s just not the same place. It felt like a different world, despite there being very few things different from the environment. + +It generally isn’t very distressing but it gets in the way when I wanna be happy again. I don’t know how to completely explain this phenomenon but I do know that it’s mental.",Depression +48280,"Why am I still feeling frustrated and crying even though I know the solutions to my problems? (Struggling with making new friends) I've been feeling awfully lonely lately, I've been socially isolating myself for the longest time now because I was dealing with shit like sudden weight gain, crying over my past, or having lack of friends in my class. + +But I know how to solve those issues, like going to a bar, talking on different discord servers, local meetups, or joining an interest club etc. Seems logical right? That's how to solve my feelings of loneliness. + +But at the same time I feel like everything requires too much effort. I want to make new friends, but at the same time I don't want to and I end up accidentally ghosting people because of my social isolation. I want to talk to people about my interests and discover new shows or theories, but at the same time I feel tired and don't want to. + +I end up sobbing again because I feel like I'm stuck in a loop like this and don't know what to do anymore. + +Please tell me what's wrong with me. I hate this dilemma.",Depression +48281,"Me(24m) her(25F) BPD & Sex Drive? +ok, so Me(24M) have been with my gf(25F) for a little over three years. We have had a very very difficult relationship! Recently have found out that she has BPD! We have had problems with being “intimate” with each other for majority of the relationship! She had given birth to her kid just a few months before we got together, so I figured it was post partom. Granted I have been a bit understanding not the best but I’ve tried very hard. However, it will be 4 years soon since she’s had him so I’m not understanding as much now as to why it’s such an issue to want me! We will have literal fights about it cause I feel like I’m not loved or wanted! She always tells me it’s not me and it’s just her head, but as a person who has A LOT of mental disorders I just can’t seem to believe her! So now she gets diagnosed with BPD, and I’m wondering if this would have an effect on her sex drive also! I also have BPD but I still have a sex drive… It’s getting to the point that I want to leave the relationship, cause I’m not getting what I need! I have a VERY high sex drive and she was told about this when we started dating! I love her with everything in me and would love to spend the rest of my life with her and our child. I just don’t know if I can continue to go on feeling like this every time I want to be touched…",Depression +48282,"Just want to be high and never leave my apartment for the rest of my life... Honestly, I feel like God's longest running joke and I'm just tired of it. Everything has always felt empty and hopeless. My dad died before I was born, my mom went crazy, I invested all my teen years in caring for her that I now I have no idea who I am or have any social skills, and now she's dead. I thought it would help me move on, but a few months after my boyfriend cheated on me and I left to a a new town for school. Since coming here I've only come to realize I'm not anything, my only reason to exist was to care for my mom and now that's gone there's no purpose for me. I'll never be normal like everyone else. Never fit in. Never be pretty or smart or liked. I'm just worthless now. + +I really want to just give up. Each day I'm more and more tempted to withdraw from college, and live off my inheritance the rest of my life, never leaving my apartment and only getting high to feel something more than regret and depression.",Depression +48283,"solutions So, when I have my real bad downs there isn't any way to just pull me out of there. I usually just sit through it. It's not nice but I can't do anything about it. +Why is it that other people keep suggesting ""find a way out of it""? It's not like I haven't tried. I get to hear that everytime I open up a bit about that topic. (Then I regret doing so) +It feels like I'm failing at everything when they mention stuff like that. Like I'm too stupid to find a way out. +How do you deal with such stuff? Do you deal with it in the first place?",Depression +48284,I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.. Ive been feeling this way for almost all my life but WAYY more so in the past 1 year.,Depression +48285,"I can’t be bothered anymore. I’m a 22 year old male, I really can’t be bothered to let all this bullshit play out for the rest of my life. + +My family is dead, or too abusive for me to risk speaking too. + +I have let countless opportunities get away from me and now my only skill is dishwashing and cooking, which I hate and I am forced to do it to survive and pay my rent. + +I’m by no means physically attractive and constantly am told (subtly or not) that I am ugly. Really like my facial structure itself is terrible. I’m losing my hair at this early age, and have a gross and large surgery scar on my stomach. People look at me with disgust in public. I have such low self esteem I cannot ever stand up for myself and if I try I get laughed at. Constantly treated with no respect unless it’s sympathy or pity, and I’m very awkward and weird. + +I always make mistakes, can’t handle myself under pressure, constantly miss things and can barely make life decisions on my own, which I’m forced to do because I don’t have anyone else. It’s like my brain is a level lower than everyone else’s. When I have a chat with people they can insult me and I don’t even realise because I am so slow until later and then I feel so upset and resentful. + +I had a group of friends , they are all good looking and live at home with their parents so they are able to have so much money to party and hangout , as we’ve grown out of Highschool age they’ve seen as I’ve devolved and aged badly and how pathetic, spineless and valueless I really am. I feel like I’ve been exposed. Now I don’t get invited , and when I do occasionally see them for something I can afford , I am the pathetic butt of the joke. + +I used to have girls interested with me , perhaps because I was younger and better looking and confident because I was unaware. Now I seriously have no chance . + +I don’t know how to have social interactions anymore, and I always feel like I said the wrong thing, that I’m different from other people in a terrible way. + +Out of sync with life and destined to be one of the unfortunate disgusting underclass. + +The only thing that stops me from ending it all is that I have a sister who is younger than me and I am quite close with. She is well put together and successful, and since she has no family either I know how much it’ll devastate her to lose me. + +These days sometimes I think she would be fine though… + +Life is not fair to some of us",Depression +48286,Depression feels like you’re drowning and there is no way out I’m drowning more and more everyday.,Depression +48287,"mental hospital- payment and ward logistic questions ive been to a mental hospital under involuntary admission, but almost 2 years ago as a minor... was hoping for some help + + +-is it expensive? relatively, and with insurance. maybe for like 3-7 days? + +-is it generally not recommended unless absolutely necessary to go to an adult ward? + + +im almost 18 and i dont want to cost my parents more money considering college but i think i need help.. unsure what to do",Depression +48288,"Free Covid-19 Anxiety e-Workbook. Please, take care of yourselves and of each other. See text for link. The book is available [Here](https://thewellnesssociety.org/free-coronavirus-anxiety-workbook/) from The Wellness Society. Everyone right now needs a little extra help and hopefully, this e-book can assist some of you in uncovering the toolset you need during this abnormal time, or at least it might help with bridging the gap between now and when you may be able to seek more professional assistance. Obviously, it's not a solution to all problems, and some of you are going to be going through a lot more than others, but I hope many of you can find it useful. +Stay safe, stay healthy.",Stress +48289,"Time and Stress Management - Free online course Time and Stress Management - Free online course + +Time management and stress management are two key components to succeeding in life. Creating a system to identify, evaluate, and eliminate distractors and stressors will lead to a more productive and efficient life, inside and outside of work. In this course, you will learn how to earn more time and be less stressed. + +[https://formationgratuite.net/Time-and-Stress-Management/](https://formationgratuite.net/Time-and-Stress-Management/)",Stress +48290,,Stress +48291,"Stress is ruining my relationship I have been in a relationship for the past few months and for the first 3 of the months things have been good. This month as been very stressful between work and school and my mental health have just been deteriorating, and because of that I’ve been more easily irritated. I get into arguments now with my gf everyday about the most mundane things. I am mostly at fault since I’m the one starting them, I’ve just felt like nothing has been enough or certain things she doe’s irritates me. I don’t blame her for anything, she has been the best partner ever and has been very supportive. I just can’t get a hold of my temper and I’m scared it’s gonna drive us apart. I don’t want to be angry I just want to love her and not make her be sad.",Stress +48292,"University Degree Stress Hello I'm currently in my third year of university. Since the start I have been very stressed and at times had bad thoughts come into my head. I tried to talk to my parents about switching programs or go to university with less expectations (The University I'm going to is known to be brutal to their students). Sadly that didn't work which I understand from my parents side if I get through it then it will pay off. The next two years for me is just going to be quite scary as I'll be doing a Full Time course load in the Fall, Spring and Summer for two years straight. Just ranting I guess and some sort of motivation would be nice honestly. + +School for me has always been a stressful topic and has never changed even in high school I'd say I've always been so anxious or stressed about the topic. Though what I can say is that once I do the two years at least I am out and finish my degree and I can move on from the idea of school. Just ranting at this point as this topic has definitely affected me a lot through out the years but this week it has affected me more than ever but I am now coming into terms that with the two year plan I got going it's not going to be that bad forever.",Stress +48293,"Chronic stress help I really wish anyone can help me or i just wanna know if anyone is experiencing the same things i am because i havent found anyone who has. Im getting headaches/migraines every single day. Its been around 2 months now, this isnt the first time this has happened to me it happened 2 years ago same thing. I had migraines every single day non stop for like a year straight, to the point where i couldnt even eat and developed photophobia and couldtn even turn on my room lights or anything. So it eventually went away after a couple months but im back in here again. Doctors tell me that its stress/anxiety but it just doesnt make sense to me as to why it gets this bad to the point where i cant even get up from my bed or be awake for long hours before feeling pain, no one gets it this bad for this long, 7+ months NON Stop??? So it started around November with panic attacks and anxiety, usually something triggers my anxiety and i can control it, but no not this time it happens even when im happy out of nowhere i just feel bad all the time and super weak, then it progressed to me feeling okay in the morning and bad at night, i always knew id feel bad at night so i would do my daily duties during the day. Then it progressed even more to where i started getting my migraines/headaches every day and the light started triggering them. And now end of march im back in my room again lights off, headaches everyday, cant go out cant do anything, i can barely even be on my phone, lights all the way down and blue light off. I did notice though that it starts in my neck and shoulders and where my arms start on my back. I massage myself everyday, i try to take medications but they all give me extreme side effects even tylenol. I know itll be a few months before i get better, but i wish i knew more people that have gone thru this, i even tried magnesium gummies and got side effects from those as well. Ive been doing so well with my anxiety and i try to feel okay and get distracted but the pain never ever ever goes away just gets worse and calms down, please someone help!",Stress +48294,"Acute stress disorder I thought I had it under control, then I had a surgery and was put into surgical menopause, then well. Title says the rest. + +I'm on short term disability leave, I got put on another team in a lower role for when I return to work, but i can't let this happen again. + +My triggers Ive found are repeating myself, getting ignored completely, ""have time for a quick call?"", and having to do other people's jobs for them. Now this all being said, none of that should have been happening anyway because all that is supposed to go to my TOM, not me. + +They're letting me back in little by little to avoid another nervous breakdown next week, but I'm already feeling the stress. + +I can't take long walks yet, can't do light cleaning, no baths for 8 more weeks, can't do really anything physical (surgery restrictions), so I need some ideas how to cope. Or ideas on reasonable boundaries I can set. + +Thanks!",Stress +48295,,Stress +48296,"IT and anxiety I'm a software developer and work long hours sometimes. When I get a complex problem to solve I'm getting nervous and eventually had tension headaches lasting for the entire day. At this stage, I cannot solve a simple problem even 1 + 1. My entire head is overtaken by the pressure and there is no space for other thoughts. Antidepressants provide some relief but destroy my sexual life. This is a horrible way to live so I'm thinking to start a coffee shop and resign from IT. I really love IT and programming but my biochemistry just doesn't want me to be in there.",Stress +48297,,Stress +48298,"College soon, no money, not even a bed to sleep on. Stressed. Concerned how I’ll manage to study living on someone’s couch. I want my own place, I miss having a bed and being able to actually rest.. not wake up because you literally sleep in someone’s living room and they have more then 3+ people a day there. I can’t sleep proper. I can’t get money due to closing my Shopify store, i dont get paid from school until July. I just really am in need of peace and food. Ughh",Stress +48299,"Intern Guys Im going through my second month of in intern in a legal department, low-key I feel like a failure as I keep doing mistakes which actually feel I'm gonna get fired. Because I feel like I'm pissing off my mentors just by doing mistakes which of course was not intentional, it's just idk man, I've being stressing alot as its my first job and I am scared about pissing my mentors off mainly because I know I'm low-key dumb at the same time :')",Stress +48300,I'm at max stress levels At this point I'm not sure if I'm getting sick or if the stress is taking a toll on my body. I've been getting muscle aches every once in awhile over the last 2wks and my body feels so stiff. I've mostly been using tik tok to distract me but it doesn't help with the stress,Stress +48301,Does anyone experience stress…passively? I’ve noticed recently people around me often have to tell me I’m stressed. I’m reminded that my environment at home is extremely stressful & I have pretty bad anxiety. For some reason I don’t really think I feel stressed but my body weight will fluctuate & my habits are irregular. I feel light headed randomly & my jaw will feel tight. How do you recognize & manage stress better?,Stress +48302,"Stressing about Studying I am in my mid 30s and have just been given the chance to do an extra year and a half of study in a different University. The degree that I have was more theory based and I really need hands on experience to be employable in my field, which I now have the opportunity to do alongside guaranteed internships and portfolio work. + +My stress levels are currently through the roof about this, as I am worried that I won't be able to match the calibre of current high school leavers, who, even though treated as adults at University, still seem to have that high school mentality. My main issue is, even though not permanent, the dorm style accommodation and the fact that an ""old"" person is living with basically a teenager, although I did apply for a single room with a shared bathroom, so maybe not so bad. + +Usually I wouldn't have a problem with this, but already having experienced this with not much success, I am now stressing immensely. I'm not there to be anybody's friend, but the way I have been treated in the past, just for being a little older has been disgusting. There is not much available accommodation at all in the country, so looking for anything else is currently out. + +Honestly, I think I'm just stressing because I'm over 30 and feel like I still don't have my life in order, with another future gap in my resume. + +Please tell me I'm going to be ok.....",Stress +48303,"How do you manage your stress even when you can’t tell if you’re stressed or not? I learned not too long ago that you may be stressed even when you don’t feel stressed. I feel like stress is a constant for me. I can’t relax without feeling lazy/antsy and can’t work without feeling fatigued/overworked. + +I don’t know how to decompress when there’s always some work that can be done (homework, chores, etc.) and deadlines approaching.",Stress +48304,"Stress and bladder Can stress make you feel as if your bladder is not completely empty? Been more stressed than usual the last few days and I've suddenly had this sensation. It's happened before but it worries me every time and I can't remember if it's usually connected to more stressful moments. + +Is there any connections between the two or should I worry it could be something else?",Stress +48305,"Stress & Motivation Can someone provide me with any tips on how to get yourself motivated (to workout, to do your work, to clean at home more often etc). I feel like stress is really demotivating for me, and I am looking to turn this cycle of stress and demotivation around.",Stress +48306,"A couple of piano albums that I listen to when I need to calm down One is called In the Light of a Thousand Sunsets and you can find it here https://open.spotify.com/album/25u0tLxx6GOEzJlFB6x6Wy (for other music services check this link https://album.link/i/1676357174) + +The other one is called A Waltz For Lilly - https://open.spotify.com/album/5uppYYROsBMyF6yvtWGctW or https://album.link/i/1569647140",Stress +48307,"Am I choosing the right mindeset? I wonder.. is it my stress, time management, or myself as a person in general that is blocking myself from doing the best I can? Or is it my anxiety and overthinking getting to me? + +I am a F14 in my freshman year of high school, currently going through a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I'm trying really hard managing between piano, soccer, and my grades with school. I love everything equally, (well maybe except school..), but in the end, my grades are my priority over piano or soccer. I know that piano and soccer may benefit me throughout high school, but grades are more important. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on neither one. + +But here I am with a B- (84.5) in my history class, and I need to get it to an A- (90.1) by the end of my school final which is in about 2 months. Well I'll need an A- at least, so I could take AP Euro in my sophomore year, and it's only available in my sophomore year as well. AP Euro is definitely not a necessity for my next year in high school, but it'll benefit me a lot, and as my school is very tough and competitive, I want to achieve my goal and do it. My teacher is crazy strict, being 87 years old, he has his more ""older-fashioned"" and more ""understandable"" ways of grading. So I stress trying to fit into his perfect standards, but at the end of the day, I keep telling myself. In the future, there will always be people that will be wanting a perfect requirement that fits them. I will need to be able to be adjusting to those specific requirements, for the future, to benefit myself and my ideal career future and more. + +I've never gotten a B, or a grade range in the B section (B-, B, or B+) throughout middle school and my first semester of high school until now. Is it the stress that's piling on me after all these hard schoolwork I'm not managing well or enough with my time that I have? My sleep schedule is actually horrid, I usually sleep at 2-4AM waking up at 6AM, with soccer practice 3-4 times a week (usually I skip at least 1 day a week since it's a little too much), and 2 lessons of piano a week. Also including the clubs I've decided to join, Mock Trials, which is now coming to an end with competitions. Volunteering, which I guess I could choose which days to help out.. but.. The homework. The load at my school is actually crazy, about 2-3 assignments new each period, which is every day, so in a week total about 30-40 assignments, which is quite a buttload. It's due either the following days, or sometimes, a miracle as it is it'll be due next week. But then again, there's at least 1-2 tests a week, which I need to study a lot for. Oh of course, there's also the projects and essays, let's add about 1 for every other week. + +Should I take a break from piano or soccer, and put my grades at my priority instead? I think I can be able to take my grade, 84.5% up to a 90.1% at least, which is \~6% of a percentage raise that I'll need to be okay. Telling my friends this, all I get in response is the same, ""It'll be okay."" All I wish these days is someone to tell me more than ""it'll be okay"". I'm still new to the environment of high school, and figuring out what fits for me, and what doesn't fit for me. Encouragement, something I haven't heard in awhile, is what I hope boosts me. Thanks for reading this far. + +TLDR ; Not having the most decent grade in history class (84.5%), wanting to take AP Euro next year for my class, I need at least a 90.1% for my requirement to join the class. Struggling with the management of piano and soccer as well for my extracurricular activities, as well as school clubs, should I take a break from something? I need to put my grades before other stuff, including the fact to not freak out with studying and use time well. Also wish someone could tell me, I'm able to do it, and they have confidence in me. Thanks again.",Stress +48308,"School stress is getting worse Hi! +I just finished my second term today. I got my marks — great, btw. But the school stress has impacted me so badly that even now, when I’ve gone into end of the term break, I feel like there is something to be done. There are no homework assignments, no projects, nothing to be done, but still. It got to the point where I stress about non-school stuff — whether I showered or not, ate or not, read today or not; and sometimes, just stress, about literally nothing. +Maybe I’m writing this for validation, but I don’t think that’s what I need the most. Can someone help me control this damn situation.",Stress +48309,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be entered to win a **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory +* Not have prior experience with mindfulness/meditation +* Not currently be receiving therapy + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +48310,"Nausea My dissertation is due in 2 weeks and lately I've had nausea all day, it's surely stress related? Any management tips? Thanks",Stress +48311,"Stress after coming home Guys I really need your help. I don't know when it started but here it is. When I am in college studying and having fun with friends, its great. I am even quiet popular in group. But when I leave from there I don't know but I just stress a lot. I do have situation where my talk is cut off, in a normal way as everyone else's does. but I cant get over it. + +And other things which I don't even know make me stress. and then I start overthinking and cant do nothing. i might start to bit nails, scratching skin during the stress. + +After like an hour or two are passed, i am normal and very productive and enjoy it. + +Please I need help.",Stress +48312,"Neck Tension Hi all. I've been dealing with neck/shoulder tension for years. I am a software developer with likely bad posture - for over 10 years. Lately I'm quite stressed as well. All in all I'm in a constant state of neck/shoulder tension. + +&#x200B; + +I've tried so many things but nothing ""releases"" it. I have one of those shoulder massagers from Amazon - it actually feels quite good especially when it rolls up my neck - but I feel like I can do it **forever** and there is just infinite tension there - shouldn't it ""stop"" at some point? I've seen some threads on here but looking to make my own I guess. + +&#x200B; + +Things I tried: + +* PT +* Chiro +* Neck/Shoulder Massager +* Stretches +* Heat pads (these actually help a little but I don't think I should be walking around every day with heat pads..maybe I can?) +* Magnesium Oil +* Like 6 different pillows - none of them result in me waking up without a stiff neck. Down pillows, thin, thick, memory foam, nothing! +* Foam roller +* Theracane/tennis balls + +Has anyone found anything that actually works, and fast?",Stress +48313,"Massive left ear pain in stressfull overwhelming situations? I noticed that everytime i am in a daylong stressfull Situation or get the overwhelmed feeling i react with thr same body symptoms. Worst factor is the massive left ear pain (not able to even touch it). +Most times it seems to start (and stay at) pulsatile tinnitus like effects. If i lay my head to the left side or on a pillow, i hear my pulse as swishing dumb sounds making me irritated extremly. +But as other sympathetic system symptoms add up, like fast breathing, fatigue from overwhelmed feeling,appetite loss and obviously higher bp, i get massive pain at left ear. + +I tried several treatments to get to know what that could be, antihistamines, nsaids, decreasing glutamate... Thinking it must be a combines inflammation/glutamate/adrenaline thing. + +Could anyone explain it and give me some recommendations? I suffer for years now and cant solve that.",Stress +48314,"Reducing stress via gamified online controlled breathing exercise Hi everybody! I'm a Honours students studying Psychology at the University of the Sunshine Coast, Australia. + +This little study (less than 30 minutes) is part of my Thesis, and your participation will help me understand more about gamification and motivating people to exercise more in online mindfulness programs which in turn reduces stress and anxiety. + +Thanks for your time! + +[https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/6282B8CA-8646-4CAD-A5A3-C716E7BC19D8](https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/6282B8CA-8646-4CAD-A5A3-C716E7BC19D8)",Stress +48315,Reduce Your Stress Does breathing exercises help you to reduce your stress?,Stress +48316,"Is anxiety caused by stress? Is anxiety caused by stress? +Like for example, stressful job is route cause of anxiety - if I changed jobs will my anxiety likely go away??",Stress +48317,,Stress +48318,"I'm mad and sulking over a single bad date. I'm 28. Had 6 dates in my life. Never had sex before. Had 1 bad acquaintance that I needed therapy to deal with. + +I don't hate women. I don't think everything is pointless. I chat with coworkers, but I don't have a lot of friends. Ladies seem to think I'm a nice person and funny. I don't have much trouble shamelessly asking someone out. I've long thought I have enough hobbies and interests and goals to keep myself mentally stable and preoccupied. Doesn't stop everyone from saying I'm a sweet guy who just needs to be more confident, less sensitive, and wait for the right person. + +I get flustered when I meet someone flirty or shameless, but I play it off with self-deprecation and wit. + +I had a date with a coworker who was coming onto me frequently (poking me, prodding me, talking about bodily functions, giving me looks and signs and thank yous, took my phone number, called me, wishes me morning, acts like she's out of breath around me, talks about and asks me sexual questions, talks about her dating history, etc). + +She wanted to go to a Barne's and Noble's. I was 10 minutes late due to traffic and she'd shown up an hour early to give herself a headstart. + +She stood next to me, I comically volunteered to be pack mule, and we sat and read books for a while, talking in-between. She made a spa appointment at 4pm. I asked her what she wanted - 1) friendship, 2) casual sex, 3) a relationship. I wasn't good for 2 (no confidence). + +She described to me frequently about how much her previous relationships messed her up, we talked indirectly our thoughts about romance and such. + +Her answer was 1 and she said she didn't know what the future hold. + +We left and I went to a Chic-filet she'd informed me was there. Then I drove home rather than wait the hour for her appointment to finish, said I had fun, and drove home listening to Drowning Pool and Foo Fighters. + +I got home, played a video game, laid down, and fought back tears feeling every insecure and negative thought I've had about myself. This date was something I wanted and it felt like I came away with less than I started with. She said she'd text me later and didn't get around to it until much later, and even though it was a short time I felt myself getting lonelier and madder because we just weren't having the initial flirty back and forth we did before the date. + +I turned my phone off. + +Everyone is going to tell me ""there's a million fish"" and she even said ""some people just don't vibe"" but the messages are just so unclear to me right now. This isn't too long after I broke up with someone who I felt like I did vibe with. + +I just can't see myself continuing to give this much energy toward meeting someone new another 5-00 times like everybody else. I'm a sensitive person. I feel drained and hateful of everyone that dating comes so easily to even though I know that's wrong. I'm so mad we didn't click its embarassing, and I know it's not her fault. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't feel like exercising or doing anything positive. I just want to be angry. + +I guess I walked in expecting she'd throw herself at me, and I'd have the chance to be a gentleman and be like ""hey I like you, but I want to get to know you"" and she'd be like ""ah he's not just a desperate fuck, he has character."" And well that didn't happen. Instead I feel like I got read and told politely I wasn't what someone was looking for. And any attempt at friendship on my end will be a desperate act. + +I could be entirely wrong. + +I would have liked if we'd hugged at the end or made additional plans. She agreed to doing something in the near future but I didn't get any excitement out of it. Optimistically I want to say we could probably be friends. Cynically I think she's not going to reach out and I spent an hour each way driving, took a day off of work for what I wanted to be a great date - I did all of that for nothing. + +Of the 3 actual dates I've gone on after many years of rejection and indifference - the first didn't know how to tell me she wasn't interested and ghosted me for weeks, the second said sweet things about me but said she wasn't ready and was still healing from a previous relationship and said I need to be with someone who can do 50-50 in the relationship, and now this, where I felt someone coming onto me and tried to match it, and realizing at the end that I walked away in a toxic cloud of mental fog. + +I hate dating. So much. And I hate the way my brain and my emotions work. So much.",Stress +48319,"nonstop anxiety throughout the whole day. now i have a nightmare which was never this intense and emotional. i’m feeling that my lens of the world disappeared and my old self is not here anymore. why do i experience these things? so for context ive had an abusive dad growing up, and everyday living with him changed me. i feared getting yelled at for doing kid things, getting suffocated because i was crying. thinking about that now makes me mad of what i have to go through, but now i put that behind me. recently i’ve been stressed because of my bf and that internal problem just led up to more things, such as my purpose in life, who i want to be, and just self doubt. i feel like i’m not surrounding myself with the right people because i think they’re taking advantage of me, and are extremely careless to me. besides people, i’ve been feeling numb to the world. i feel like a robot and other peoples true self are showing a lot more. it feels like i’m high except.. i’m not high. the smaller things in my head stands out more like the noise outside my window. i’m usually not concentrated on that, but my brain picks it up more easily like i’m more aware of these things happening. my surroundings feels a lot different from usual. but i know myself when i’m completely normal versus when i’m out of it. there’s some people from reddit that told me i had an experience of depersonalization. i smoked before to get rid of some stress, and smoking mildly i know will not make me feel this way. the stress is overwhelming me and i feel trapped. but right now i had a vivid nightmare and it’s about the people in my real life. it affects me more and it’s the first time i’ve experience an actual nightmare. i usually don’t remember my dreams and i move past it, but this time it gave me a lot of stress, i remember the whole plot and context, the whole energy of it, and it’s scaring me. + +my feelings overall and what i’m experiencing, +-not in my body +-high but i didn’t smoke (outside of my body) +-stress throughout the day and night +-restless and pressure against my chest +-no appetite (i’ve been eating a small meal once a day now.. it’s barely anything) +-insomnia (which 2 weeks ago, everything was normal) +-paranoia +-a bunch of thoughts on my mind (usually negative) +-no meaning in life and sadness. like an empty or sort of numb feeling +-realization that’s talking or texting feels a lot different, it wasn’t the same normal feeling from before, it felt +like i changed in way that isn’t permanent.. i hope) +-nightmare (which kind of made me realize that there’s something i’m going through that isn’t normal at all, i’ve been through some shit but i’ve never had an actualt nightmare with a plot and this intense before, it lasted about an hour until i woke up) +-my period is late, and for the past 4 months of tracking it, it hasn’t been late before. + +i want to stop feeling this way and to not overthink as much. what do i do?",Stress +48320,"headaches... and severe anxiety It feels like I'm going to pass out I know I won't but that's how bad it is some days. I'm trying to actively work on my financial situation which is causing me the most stress however I don't know what to do to get a second job cause most demand open availability but won't give you a lot of hours... + +It doesn't really help that I drink alcohol on my time off a couple days a week and come to work hungover twice in the past month to make the job easier. + +I mean seeing a therapist would be beneficial but I don't have health insurance for a few more weeks at least and it would worsen my financial situation. I'm looking into seeing if I can use one of my boyfriend's free counseling sessions he gets from his job cause I doubt he will use them (unless he needs them but it seems like right now he's doing fine and I'm an anxious wreck). I feel like I'm just not fully present and my mind is foggy more than half the time. Chronically tired no matter the amount of sleep I get. I take multivitamins and eat fairly healthy but I'm mostly on the go not really the type of person who enjoys big ass crowds but seems like I keep finding myself in them. I'm very close to having a public mental breakdown.",Stress +48321,,Stress +48322,"My stress is out of control Quick brief : 25F first born daughter, ideally most responsible in family. Over achiever in school and life as general. Grew up in a high overstimulating environment. Always planning ahead + + +Current : I’ve always been great have blocking out my stress or simply over working through my stress but it seems has if my mind has ran out of storage space and my stress is showing up in physical ( weight loss, withdrawn , isolation , lack of motive , hopeless ness )….. once again the over achiever in me is trying to over ride that with exercising / yoga, prayer, new goals and hobbies….. ( more stress for my schedule because I have to maintain knowing I’m stressed out already ). + + +Emotional well-being : lost two family members back to back and ended a few friendships so I feel uncertain about life, trying to adapt to change and feeling unsafe and insecure + + +Symptoms : 2020 physical panic attacks +Late 2020 -2021 burst into hives +2022 physical stomach pain thought I had an ulcer . Stomach burning real bad when stressed ( endoscopy procedure was done i believe ) +2023 itchy neck face palms stomach …. Entire body + +Medication : benerdyl , hydro poxmate ( can’t spell and too overwhelmed to look it’s an anxiety allergy med for hives ) + +I’m in therapy slowly helping but I need advice on someone whose actually expended and over came “ calm down “ is not enough. I’d like to get this under control for a bet te r future",Stress +48323,I don’t understand. I’m at a point where any little annoyance causes stress. And afterwards my body just becomes hot and I get sweaty.,Stress +48324,"Feel like everything thinks i'm annoying and I'm unhappy with how I never stand up for myself. I've been planning my wedding that is happening in May of this year. + +I got engaged a few months ago in January, and at first I felt fine with taking on everything but now it's starting to get into my head and I feel overwhelmed everyday. + +My days consist of me working, wedding planning, and sleeping. Most of the time if i'm doing something other than that, I'm thinking of my wedding anyways. If I go shopping there's always something that will catch my eye and remind me of what I need to do or purchase for the big day. + +Not only that, but my partner is in another country (LDR) and he can only do so much to help me with it all besides pay for things here and there. I live on my own while my partner lives at home (he's never been on his own before) and i'm struggling to pay for small things like a DJ or even cake. + +I've tried talking to him about wedding stuff and he tends to get overwhelmed or be distracted with other things he's doing like gaming etc. Last night, I was talking to him about décor options we had and I showed him our ceremony space. It's on a terrace/large outdoor patio at this nice hotel in my city. I went personally to view the venue a week after we got engaged, sent him videos and photos, and he loved it too! Now when i showed him the photos last night he made a few ""not so happy"" faces and I almost started crying right there from the stress of it all. He kept saying ""I guess it'll have to do.."" and things like that. Felt like I screwed it up so bad. + +I feel like a failure, that I picked a bad venue...and to top it all off I have a few people in my bridal party who are being really catty towards me now. They keep shitting on me for having ""bad communication"" even though I'm trying my best and have everything on MY shoulders. They haven't offered to do anything specific but constantly say ""I want to help in any way I can! Let me know what to do!"" and I have no clue what to ask them. Also, a bridesmaid of mine really dislikes my MOH and tries to make me feel like she's not doing ""enough"" and says she feels she's unsupportive. + +I didn't even want a big wedding at a hotel. I originally imagined a wedding where I am married at a nice park, have dinner at a nice restaurant and then go to a pub for a beer after to celebrate. + +The only reason it became a big wedding is because of my in laws and my family coming, plus a bunch of my friends wanted to go. My fiancé is only bringing 3 family members and none of HIS friends are going to come (despite travelling to Mexico for a wedding recently). + +After all this, I can see why people elope or have really really small weddings.",Stress +48325,Before exam I am so stressed out that I am not even able to learn anymore. I have exam in two days so its a lot of time to reread thins. But I am so stressed out I cannot focus and I am to afraid to look at the books. :l,Stress +48326,"Stress connected to a new job position. I've recently started a new job position at my current company and have a serious case of imposter syndrome. This position comes with a host of new responsibilities, and I feel as though I'm not performing as well as I should be and I keep making mistakes, I am still in training however I can't help but feel like I'm underperforming and it is mainly to do with stress, I'm stressed out and overwhelmed so I make mistakes and then stress about those same mistakes and it has become this vicious circle. I also haven't been sleeping. It is the only thing I can think about and it's destroying my confidence. I've been having multiple panic attacks sometimes multiple times a day during my breaks and when I am alone at home and have very recently started therapy to try and deal with this however I feel like it's just eating me alive. Has anybody experienced anything similar and perhaps give me a bit of perspective? Or advice on how you have dealt with this kind of stress? Sorry if this is the wrong kind of post for this sub. TIA.",Stress +48327,"song that INSTANTLY reduces my stress hi. when i listen to this song my overthinking stops, heart rate goes down and i get a break from the stress i'm feeling at the moment. + +[https://open.spotify.com/track/1UVgOlmTW3eSkCekVy5Pu9?si=024b311ba35f4130](https://open.spotify.com/track/1UVgOlmTW3eSkCekVy5Pu9?si=024b311ba35f4130) + +wanted to share, maybe it works for someone else",Stress +48328,"Breathing techniques for stress Which breathing techniques do you find work best to calm you down when you feel stressed? + + +I find box breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 second, repeat) and 4-7-8 (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds, repeat) are the two techniques that work best for me. + + +Slow, long breaths seem to make me feel the most calm too. + + +What works for you?",Stress +48329,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +48330,"Life Experience Is it just me or do most of you find with given events overtime, you find the previous events in hindsight weren’t as stressful as what they were during the peak of things? As if the more stressful situations and experiences we go through build resilience and gives you the opportunity in future to determine and deem a situation as stressful or not?",Stress +48331,"How can I be confident when I speak infront of the crowd? Tommorow I have to speak infront of the whole class for like 7 minutes (it’s part of our exam), without reading or anything. We haven’t really done it before, and i’m an extremely anxious and shy person infront of people i’m not close to, I get extremely anxious. I will need to look to the crowd and talk for 7 minutes and I just know I will fail, or I will turn red and feel it and panic, or I will just simply forget what I need to talk about. I learnt it really well but I will 100% get a panic attack and if anyone knows how to help with this, then share your advice..",Stress +48332,"I often feel like I either need to feel stressed or useless I constantly either need to be doing various projects and filling my plate so much that I can barely handle it. Or I actually let myself do nothing and I feel like the most useless piece of crap. No in between. + +If I’m not busy all the time, it’s like I don’t deserve an rewarding existence.",Stress +48333,"Transport Your Mindset to a Calm Soothing place, Ambient Music for Deep ... stay calm",Stress +48334,"Stress is or physical illness is there even a difference? Last year the past few months I had been suffering from stress - for me the physical symptoms are a tightness in the chest leading to a feeling of tension through my body. + +I finally went to a doctor and they diagnosed me - not with stress but pretty bad GERD. I took large doses of nexium for a few months - and wow - stress and tension gone. + +Has anyone else had this experience - where past stress is masking a physical illness or vice versa?",Stress +48335,"I'm in a toxic relationship! It pains me to admit it but I am in a toxic relationship. A relationship with no trust and confidence, no God, constant bickering, and growing violence. We both bring out the worst in each other. What should I do? We have plans tho, and we're working on them. We're just too proud and too dominant against one another. + +I just hate this situation we're in.",Stress +48336,"During work, a random stranger came up to me and told me everything is going to be alright... And I burst into tears... I'm a (22 female) and my job is reporting and introducing new stores and foods on TV. It's creative and fun but because of the unstable income my mother doesn't support me. + +I knew that from the beginning but hoping to please and attempt to make her proud of my accomplishments she would just say ""Why do I need to say I'm proud of you? You have to be proud of yourself"" It's been an ongoing toxic loop so I always distance myself or not contact her, however since last week she's been living with me and we have been bickering here and there. I don't let that get in the way with work though. + + +Anyway. Today this random stranger during my break time came up to me and looked directly into my eyes and said + + ""You don't need to push yourself. It's okay."" + +She kept holding my shoulders and gently rubbing them and I have no clue if this is hypnosis + + ""I know you have some family troubles right now but I can see there are good people behind you. Really good people"" + +And little by little the weight in my shoulders started to get lighter. And it felt fuzzy. I had this feeling why does she know my family? Can she read me? Am I readable? Is my aura out? I'm about to panic! Then I just burst into tears and had to control myself to do the next reporting. + +It was such a confusing experience because she was smiley nice in her 50s lady. + +Can someone tell me if she was a hypnotist or if she can see my soul or some angels or if she was just an empath that knew I was extremely stressed and wanted to let me know I was stressed. Because later She was motioning to her friend her shoulders like letting her know my shoulders were super tight or scrunched up. + +I don't know... It was such a coincidence. And a strange encounter that I had to write about this experience as my first post.",Stress +48337,"Not capable of relaxing? Hi you all, my problem is i would like to pursue more creative hobbies like drawing but 90% of the times i feel i can't because i am too stressed for something (i am in uni now, so it is alternating between lessons and exams). That something being too mentally tired for doing anything else rather the watching the phone or the tv, or being too mentally tired because of studying. I am sure someone else has encountered this problem. How you solve this?",Stress +48338,"Understanding Anxiety Causes And Symptoms And Treatment Options Anxiety is a normal part of life, but it can become overwhelming for some. It’s important to understand the causes and symptoms of anxiety so you can recognize it in yourself or someone else, as well as know what treatment options are available. In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look at understanding anxiety – from its causes and symptoms to the various approaches to treating it. + +&#x200B; + +When faced with stressful situations such as work deadlines or personal issues, many people experience feelings of worry or fear that can lead to physical sensations like tightness in their chest or increased heart rate. These are all common signs of anxiety, something that everyone experiences on occasion. However, when these feelings become chronic and interfere with everyday tasks, they may be indicative of an anxiety disorder. + +&#x200B; + +There are numerous treatments available for those suffering from anxiety disorders ranging from lifestyle changes to psychotherapy and medication if needed. Learning more about how your body responds to stressors and triggers can help you manage your own emotions better and make informed decisions when seeking professional help. By exploring the different aspects of understanding anxiety through this article, you will gain valuable insight into managing your own mental well-being. This can help you to develop healthy coping mechanisms and better communication skills that will benefit you in the long run. + +[https://beautyaal.com/understanding-anxiety-causes-and-symptoms-and-treatment-options/](https://beautyaal.com/understanding-anxiety-causes-and-symptoms-and-treatment-options/)",Stress +48339,"need $600 in 10 days. I’m struggling quite a bit to reach my goal. I wish I had more help with friends and family but I really don’t have anyone who can help, so I’m just stressed out trying to manage and stay safe, I barely eat or sleep trying to survive. I was able to reach out for a loan but I’m unable to qualify for it due to not have stable work for 6 previous months. +It’s like.. in america, HOW… can I… get out of this. I need to pay for my room bill, I don’t want to be on the streets or shelter I enjoy feeling secure in my space… it’s just stressful seriously.",Stress +48340,"Is the stress of my international sales job worth the benefits? Looking for guidance….. Hi, + +I’m a sales director who recently received a promotion to build and lead a new sales operation for an Australian media company in a foreign country. After relocating my family and settling into our new home, I found the job to be manageable, albeit stressful, for the first 8-9 months. + +However, after a year, I've realized that the stress has become a part of my daily routine, and it's starting to change my personality. I'm experiencing burnout, feeling completely drained, unmotivated, and even depressed at times. I report to upper management located overseas who may not fully understand the realities of building a new operation in a foreign country. Despite being expected to do more with less, the results are still expected. + +I'm struggling to decide if I should push through this or throw in the towel. On one hand, the benefits of international experience, such as building and managing a team in a new market and exploring new commercial initiatives, are invaluable. On the other hand, the stress is taking its toll, and I'm not sure if it's worth it. + +I would appreciate any advice from those who have been in similar situations or know someone who has. It can be quite isolating, and I lack a trusted network of experienced expats to turn to for guidance. Thank you in advance for your help.",Stress +48341,"I’m extremely overwhelmed and need help managing my stress I (31F) am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with work. The workload has drastically increased within the last 6months and I’m having a hard time keeping up with is causing a lot of stress and instability. I can’t sleep and don’t have energy for hardly anything outside of work. + +I’ve always had very demanding jobs but this is definitely one of the toughest times I’ve been in. On top of that, my personal life isn’t that swell either. + +I thought I’ve always managed my stress well because I’ve always lived a difficult life but I’m realizing that I’m not handling it well at all. I’m forming bad habits and it’s only effecting my overall productively and work ethics. + +Does anyone have any tips to the best way to handle high stress and feeling overwhelmed with too many tasks at hand? + +Any natural tips for sleep aids would be really helpful as well! + +I appreciate any and all support!",Stress +48342,beard picking disorder Beard picking from months results in many ingrown hair has anyone experience this? How to solve?,Stress +48343,"no good days I have so much stuff to do and worry about i cant relax i have schizophrenia and hear voices occasionally, im on 7 medications for it, i got denied for a cheaper apartment, i have an abusive bf, my job isnt paying the bills, i have a three year old to watch and provide for, i have bad social snxiety so im stressed meeting new ppl irl, alot of my family members are old or have passed away. I have this car to fix, i have debts to pay. .... a million problems wtf am i to do",Stress +48344,"How to deal with the anxiety of crossing paths with your exes, when you're out with family? I have had flings and short term thing with some crazy women (which i regret). + +Though i have treated them like a queen throughout the time we were together, I always have this fear that what if they make any false accusations or create a scene when I cross paths with them in future, or try to defame me in case I do something big in life. + +How to deal with this constant fear?",Stress +48345,"Stress Survey Hey everyone! I am conducting some research on stress levels among college students. I'm a student myself and this is my first time conducting a study myself so I'm really sorry if my survey isn't the best. I would really appriciate if people would take my survey on stress! Everything is anonymous, I just need as much data as possible to help move my study along. If everyone is interested, I can post my results here when the study is done. + + +[https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7](https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7)",Stress +48346,"What are these random stress attacks? Recently it does happen that I randomly, all of a sudden, get stress attacks. Like even if nothing happens at all. One time it lasted a whole day and then also the morning after. Recently it started in the night and caused me to not be able to sleep. This stress is usually just feelings of unbearable tension and fear. There are no physical symptoms. During the attacks I get thoughts about all possible things that I ever found stressful. Maybe worth noting that I recently recovered from depression, and it's like the sadness turned into these attacks. + +What can it be and how do I prevent these?",Stress +48347,What Are Legitimate Way I Can Relieve Stress? I just want to know some ways I can actually use. Please leave any suggestion in the comments. Thank you.,Stress +48348,"I can't stop thinking and I need to vent!! Hi Reddit, I'm here to vent about my stress, and honestly, I have no one to talk to. I am F (23), and last year I started my first ""big girl job"" as a copywriter in marketing. I originally studied filmmaking to be a screenwriter or producer, anything to get me to be on set. My love and passion for being behind the scenes and seeing the projects come to life are breathtaking. I enjoy talking to the cast, getting behind the camera, and being transported to a different unique world. So why was my first big job in marketing? + +During the pandemic, my concern was how to get myself out there when I was very limited in making connections and unable to go out and shoot because of social distancing measures due to the pandemic. The school I was in offered an internship for a class in marketing, and I took it (honestly, anything to make my portfolio and resume look good). Not going to lie; the internship was fun and exciting, so when they offered me an entry-level position in marketing, I was hesitant. I didn't study marketing or advertising or anything related to that, just filmmaking. They knew that I only had knowledge of film but still wanted to give me a chance to explore my career options. Now, having been here for a year, I've built up an extreme amount of stress. + +Every single day I am constantly feeling stressed, anxious, and depressed. I'm always messing up, and it has gotten to the point where I received a PIP. I saw it coming. + +I am struggling with my grammar, not being strong enough when it comes to presenting, and lacking creativity. Things are so rushed here that I often miss a thing or two, which reflects poorly on me. Being dyslexic doesn't help either. As a result, I received a PIP, and it has spiked my stress levels and anxiety to the point where I feel sick every day. I can't eat, don't feel like getting out of bed, can't breathe, can't sleep, and can't think clearly. + +Additionally, I have been struggling with a yeast infection for six months (yes, you read that right). My doctor says I have a candida overgrowth, so I am on a strict diet in hopes of getting it under control. + +The whole experience is making me feel like a failure, like I've made a big joke out of myself. My manager talked to me and said that copywriting marketing isn't for me because I didn't learn it, and he knows my skills lie elsewhere. I agree, but I am afraid I won't find a job in film with how the economy is and the difficult hiring process I see on social media. It's terrifying. How am I going to pay for school, debt, help my parents, pay for groceries for this stupid candida diet, and help my grandma in Mexico, and more bills? + +My parents and a coworker of mine are giving me words of encouragement and saying that everything is going to be okay. They say I should still be proud because I tried something new, created a new set of skills, and toughened up. I don't know if that's true.",Stress +48349,"Venting Sorry if this isn't appropriate for here, but the stress is killing me. I'm 24 and I feel like I've got the stress of a 45 year old going through a midlife crisis! + +Three weeks ago, I started up a new job with security, I got one 6 hour shift, and three 12 hour shifts. Honestly, I love this job despite the hours, and I can handle it. + +But, this past week? Everything feels like it fell apart. My sister popped over with her husband on a surprise visit ( haven't seen her in 14 years ) so it should've been exciting, but all it did was bring trouble to our already fragile household. She instigated drama with my father and everyone else, then her boyfriend was just causing problems with zero consequences. Then, two days later, my Uncle shows up and it's all great.. up until he hits me with news tonight that he's got cancer and he's trying to enjoy himself since he's scared of worse case scenario. All of this on top of family dilemmas with my father, seeing it affect my grandmother? ALL tied together with the very awkward sleep I get, I can just feel my mental health regressing back to incredibly old, toxic, unhealthy ways. I wanna smoke weed to ignore the stress and call off work, but I know doing all that will ruin any progress I've ever made. + +Oh, I'm also having allergies worse than ever so my nose is constantly dried up, in pain, slightly bleeding and my eyes itch like hell. I know I'm just yapping at this point, but good lord, it feels like way too much to stomach in such a short amount of time. + +Again, if this isn't the place, I apologize. Just looking for others in a similar mess, maybe I'm looking for some words of reassurance. Don't know, but thank you to anyone who fully reads this rambling",Stress +48350,"Decrease stress by ADDING a hormetic stressor into your life. One of the best ways to decrease how much total stress you experience is by adding good forms of stress (short and moderate) called hormetic stressors. Cold water is a prototypical hormetic stressor. It releases stress hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline but it is short and not extreme. + +We just launched an app that provides guided cold showers to make it easy for you to do them. It is led by a Master Chief Navy SEAL. We teach you a set of mental tools around tactical breathwort, body relaxation, self talk, etc. These tools not only make cold showers easier but they also help you handle stress more generally. + +In fact, the best way to train yourself to handle stress better is to systematically stress yourself and then practice these tools while stressed. If you do that, these tools will become reflexive any time your body generates stress hormones. + +getmental.com + +One side note - the app is geared generally to men.",Stress +48351,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +48352,"Simple Ways to Destress and Relax After a Long Day Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out? If so, you’re not alone. In today’s world, it can be hard to keep up with the demands of life while still maintaining a healthy lifestyle. From work deadlines to family obligations, stressors come in all shapes and sizes. Fortunately, there are many techniques that can help reduce stress levels and boost your overall well-being – and they don’t have to take hours or require costly materials! Here’s a look at some helpful tips for destressing quickly and easily. + +[https://beautyaal.com/de-stress/](https://beautyaal.com/de-stress/)",Stress +48353,"How to manage stress while doing a speech? Tomorrow I’m doing a speech in front of 300 people. It’s my first time talking in front so many people and I’m really nervous. I’m basically a shy person so it doesn’t help. +Do you have any tips for managing stress in that situation?",Stress +48354,"Interested into breath work to relief stress - :Take part in 2 minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48355,"What are some techniques you use to lower your stress but still maintain focus on your work and goals? Lately everything has just been super stressful. I find myself thinking about the stress itself instead of the work. I love what I do, but i want to learn how to keep a healthy amount of stress for a better quality of life. + + +- thank you",Stress +48356,,Stress +48357,,Stress +48358,"Experiencing a physical stress symptom but don't feel stressed So I know I'm experiencing stress, because I'm getting a sensation in the back of my head (not quite a headache but a bit of discomfort), which has always been associated with stressful/anxious situations. It started occuring right after I started uni again, so that's probably the cause. The thing is though, I don't feel anxious or anything though, I just have this one symptom.. is this just as bad as being full-on stressed? Like will it age me the same amount that full-on stress will?",Stress +48359,Life is stressing I’m about to turn 17 and I just got my license I put a job application in for a grocery store because I knew I needed money for gas and car insurance but what I wasn’t expecting was the fact I’m not gonna be able to afford gas money if I pay for insurance so now I have to find a high end paying job just to get by I’m so stressed and scared and I didn’t realize life was this unforgiving I knew I would need to pay for bills and taxes and all this but minimum wage is just not enough you can’t survive off that I can’t even work for 10$ an hour and survive so now I’m waiting on a call from my father to try and get a landscaping job that should pay way more but I’m still gonna barely have anything I thought growing up was freedom and it was supposed make you feel happy but I feel nothing but regret sadness and fear I hope it gets better I’m only 17 and I feel like I’m 80 a tip to those who are younger who might see this SAVE.YOUR.MONEY all of it,Stress +48360,"Grad School Vent Anyone else in a Master's program and hate it? Nothing is ever explained, such complicated assignments, not to mention professors that are not invested in their students but care more about their research interests, a department that is so disorganized it is falling to pieces. Anyone else can relate? Thank god it is almost over, it has been one of the WORST experiences, most stressful, and its been so draining on my mental health.",Stress +48361,"Take part in 2minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48362,"How To Handle Stress & Its Effects On The Body Stress is a normal part of life and it’s important to find ways to manage it. We hope you have found this article helpful in providing some strategies for handling stress more effectively. Whether it be through mindfulness, physical activity, or simply setting time aside each day to relax, there are many ways we can practice self-care in order to handle our stress better. Try out different techniques and see what works best for you! + +[https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/](https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/)",Stress +48363,"I created CocoonWeaver to help. It’s a free, privacy focused app that sorts audio recordings, transcribed, into categories. There are numerous benefits to self talk, in particular it can decompress mental states and reduce stress. I hope you enjoy! Sometimes, it’s overwhelming to think about all the stressful things. When you let go of them, you can take solace in the fact they remain in a safe space, but no longer occupying headspace. I developed CocoonWeaver because of a dream I had. My dream was about an app that would be intuitive enough to release the many fleeting thoughts that occupy ones mind. Since then, it has been developed in to a working product, and improved with the help of kind feedback from various neurodivergent communities. I would love to take feedback from this community as well, if you have a moment to download the app and share your feedback I would be extremely grateful. + +The app is completely free and it is completely private, nothing leaves your device and everything is stored on your phone. + +Thank you so much for your time! <3 + +Here are all the relevant links, to the app and website, android release date etc.: [www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver](http://www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver) +[https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/](https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/)",Stress +48364,I'm burnt out. What is the most effective way to get unburnt? Looking for the best ways to relieve stress before starting a new job. I don't believe in mediation or yoga so those are out of the question.,Stress +48365,"I’m In Pain I will admit that I’m a bit of a hypochondriac and have a lot of anxiety surrounding my health, but I’m experiencing something I’ve never gone through before. Since Sunday evening, my whole body has been in extreme pain and I just have that feeling I get when I’m sick with something like a cold or the flu. But those are my only symptoms. I’ve had 2 negative Covid tests and just got a negative flu test from the doctor where they also did some lab work and gave me a prescription for my pain. + +The only other explanation I can think of for the cause of this is that I got extremely depressed and stressed out last week. I’m not new to stress or depression though, and I’ve never had this type of reaction before. + +Just wondered if anyone had any ideas or has experienced anything like this. I’m worried this is all in my head even though my pain feels very real and severe, and it doesn’t seem to be letting up at all.",Stress +48366,"Does anyone feel the same? I was wondering if someone recognizes the feelings I have sometimes because I feel like I am weird and alone. I've read about anxiety and think that's what I have... But there's so much info online that I do not know for sure. + +I get minor panic attacks on random moments and I can not seem to find any reason why. +The most recent example is when I was asked to go on a team meeting outside of working hours. I felt almost frightened and felt like I wanted to cry and life is too overwhelming for me. Another example is a party I recently went to, I was scared to go for about two weeks (even though my gf and a friend were with me). There was literally nothing bad about it, but I was stressed up until the moment I got there. + +When I try to think of a reason why I'm feeling like that, I do not have a single clue. My life is good and I have everything I need/want but I keep looking for small things that make me feel unhappy and anxious. I can stay awake and panic/overthink over all kinds of small things like this. I just want to feel happy and stop overthinking constantly but I do not know how to do that. Sometimes I think it will get better when I'll get older (25y right now). But the negative feelings are taking over more frequently and I am ready to start working on it so I can actually enjoy life. Any advice?",Stress +48367,"I’m starting to get frustrated with my limits I started getting stress symptoms back in April last year. It escalated in October, in November I went on sick leave from work until start February. I started work part time, and I really want to just be okay again. I was at work yesterday and today I’m a bundle of anxiety. Restlessness, can’t calm down, easily irritated, increase in chronic diseases, and exhausted. I’m so mad about it too, because it was a really good day at work yesterday too, I just overdid it. And i feel like it was so little that I did. It makes me feel like such a burden. I wanted to increase my hours, but I know I will struggle. + +I just needed to went.",Stress +48368,29 and just started stress smoking Feels weird. I just crossed a line,Stress +48369,"Stress at work making me physically ill I work at an engineering firm that surveys underground utilities and drain systems. I started work last July and it has been a never ending stream of all consuming stress and anxiety for me. It feels like I can’t escape from work and it never ends, and it feels like no matter how hard I try my work always gets thrown back at me with my boss telling me it’s horribly wrong and that I had no idea what I was doing. It’s not like I don’t ask him for help either, he will review my work and offer revisions, only to go back and find new instances that he didn’t mention before. +If all I had to do was draft I’d be okay with that. But because the company is so small everyone does every project on their own start to finish, from proposal to cost estimate to survey to drafting to finish. All I know how to do is draft, and because everyone has been so busy I haven’t been able to learn the other skills. +I’ve also been given another near impossible task that I have been trying to teach myself how to do, but I also haven’t even had time in my work day to do that. +Even my coworkers are all older than me by a significant margin, and have been in this business for quite some time. They live to work, and I don’t have anything in common in which forms camaraderie. +Literally the only thing keeping me here is the pay. Which is very good, but I cant live like this. I feel exhausted and broken when I get home. I feel like I can’t do anything after. I sit at my desk literally watching my hair fall out and feeling like I am sick from dealing with this. Is this just what adult life and and adult job is? I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this, I can’t believe I’m going to Reddit to vent, and I need help. + +TLDR: almost every facet of my engineering job is stressing me out and I don’t know what to do.",Stress +48370,How's your stress resilience on a day to day basis? [https://resilience.skara.ai](https://resilience.skara.ai),Stress +48371,"Sensory Design Concept Survey Hello! I'm a design student who's looking into solutions for stress and sensory regulation for neurodivergent individuals. Specifically looking for feedback from people who struggle with sensory input themselves or who know a lot about the subject. Please take 5 minutes of your time to fill out this survey and give me some feedback on my concepts! :) Thank you so much for your time! + +[https://forms.gle/dk8Coie4yUzMeWwc8](https://forms.gle/dk8Coie4yUzMeWwc8)",Stress +48372,"Stress relief Recently ive been aware of my stressed and im really tense all the day long. From the time I wake up I feel a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders an that feeling rarely goes away, sometimes I have can't sleep because of that. I also exercise 5 days a week and I used to run but I've stopped so im sticking to weight lifting and easy cardio like walking or biking in zone 2, working out used to make me feel happy but recently it has felt like a chore. im also a full time student, university is really time consuming and a barely have time to do my hobbies, running used to be my stress reliever but is not helping anymore because I have to go for my run at 5am and I go to bed at like 11 if im lucky so I feel like I barely get any rest, so if you have any tips to manage stress please let me know.",Stress +48373,"How do I stop streessing about stupid things? SO for exmple: I have to write a story about me meeting a certian character from a book which I hate. + +I also have to write it thsi long and write what I will do on a different paper and than send photos to my teacher. I mean sounds like a monotone ask, but not to bad right? + +HELL NAH. FOr some reason the stress got so bad I tried asphyxiating myself. I failed so I went to sleep and the stress manifested in my dreams. I also have panic atacks for a reason of a minor inconvinience happening when I am stressed. I am often stressed and not to carefull with my soroudings sothis often happens. I once actually grabbed my head so hard that I stabbed my self with my nails. + +**What to do?**",Stress +48374,"Stress and dizziness Had anybody else experienced dizziness or being light-headed when you're stressed or anxious? + +Occasionally over the past few weeks I've experienced it, currently going through a house move and dealing with my new promotion as a manager at work so I do feel as though I've had prolonged stress at the moment. + +Thanks.",Stress +48375,"I feel bad I’ve have my puppy for over a week. He’s adorable and such a sweetheart but I feel bad because I can’t take care of him. My mental health is over the roof and he’s pushing every bit of it when I put him before me because that’s what I end up doing. I put him first making sure he grows up to be a good obedient boy but I forget about me. I feel so bad. I love him so much and I don’t wanna give him away but I know I have to. I haven’t been going to the gym anymore, I’m working more hours, and I still have school to focus on. I hate how hard it has to be.",Stress +48376,just want to stop stressing about money. I’m so tired of this. Being financially unstable is not the way to live,Stress +48377,can someone else’s stress age you? 22f and 26m i’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and it was all good then a couple years ago he found out he had court because he did something really illegal not gonna say what. but the court process has been going on 2 years cuz they’ve been pushing it off and he’s been so stressed the past 2 years like really bad it affects our relationship to the point where i’m stressed all the time too we had a kid together right when he found out he had court too. but i noticed ever since he found out i literally look like shit and getting wrinkles and all that and i’m healthy otherwise i read that stress is a big aging factor so do you think it’s true someone else’s stress can age you ?,Stress +48378,"Feeling paralyzed Sometimes I feel so stressed that my body feels paralyzed. I can’t move, think, talk, feel, etc +Is it normal ? +And how can I deal with it?",Stress +48379,"Stress caused health issues. So all this started for me back at the end of January. I went to my dermatologist and had a biopsy done. I freak out for a about a week and test results came back clean. The. I went two weeks later because a scab grew on my chest. I got that check out and came back clean. During this time I was freaking out.. stress, worrying, and couldn’t sleep. All this lead to other health issues. I started to have pain in my lower back which shot through my entire body. It was until recently I started to get a burning sensation in my stomach. I went to my dr and he said it was due to stress. I got put on medication to take care of it hoping it works… has anyone else gone through this before? All this happen under one month.",Stress +48380,"Help me... So, It's my 2nd year in med college, 3 months passed and things get tougher and tougher for me. +Exams approaching faster than train and I have a job (Temporary) to get money and I am late at paying my loans for college... WHY IS LIFE SO FCKING TOUGH???",Stress +48381,Books/podcasts/audiobooks for chronic stress healing Can anyone suggest the best books on healing from this? I know it is better to prevent becoming burntout but here I am. I am absolutely destroyed physically and mentally.,Stress +48382,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety &#x200B; + +**Do you worry a lot?** + +You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, + +Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be + +randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based + +Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in + +this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month + +follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education + +classes. + +Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are + +interested in this study, please contact: + +AnxietyStudy@nyulangone.org or 1-888-44-WORRY",Stress +48383,"Sleepless nights I lost my job at the end of January and finally was able to start working a few days ago. Through the stress of not having a job, I felt as though I was in the clear and able to focus again. Until I realized that I will not be getting paid until the 17th. I reached out to my leasing office about paying rent late and was hit with a response of “we are now doing evictions, so paying so late might not be feasible.” I’ve had a really tough time these last three years, leaving an abusive marriage, losing my mom unexpectedly, now once again feeling like I have to start my life over. I do not feel like I have anywhere I can turn to. I’m feel like every-time life starts to get on track it gets derailed in some way or another.",Stress +48384,"What should I do?? I’m pretty sure I’m burnt out and I have been for over a month now. It’s gotten so bad to the point I CAN’T work even when I try to force myself to. I thought it’d get better with a break and that I’d get over it just like I always did, but I haven’t and it’s been over a month now. + +Whenever I try to work, I just can’t seem to focus. I can’t no matter how much I force myself to. As soon as I force it, the stress rises and a low mood is bound to kick in even if I was all cheery and positive a minute ago. I thought taking a week long break would do it since it used to, but the break didn’t help much if at all. I have no idea what to do since nothing seems to be working on. + +Has anyone experienced this? Does anyone know what I can do? +Any help at all would be sincerely appreciated.",Stress +48385,"This is probably strange but… When ever I’m stressed for some reason I picture a giant coin forever flipping towards me. It doesn’t move, but sits in darkness just flipping. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, I feel like my vision is actually obscured by this coin, and I dream about it to. And it’s a slow dream, not like a quick regular dream. Just wanted to write this down, and ask if anyone else has something your mind goes to when your stressed like the coin?",Stress +48386,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! + +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (\~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: + +[https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a](https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a) + +Or call or email us today for more information! + +Phone: (850)-629-8525 + +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com; Subject Line: Changing Behaviors Study",Stress +48387,"i cant keep up with anything and it’s taking both a physical and mental toll on me. everything just a jumbled mess right now and i can’t handle it. my cousin passing, school, being bullied for both my autism and abilities, my job, my diabetes, my parents, my friends, every single thing in my life is ruining me and i don’t know how to deal with it. + +ive tried everything. i don’t know anymore. im only 15, and i don’t have hope for anything. its just all too much.",Stress +48388,"Healthy ways to deal with constant stress? I mean constant. Never ending always there stress. Even when I’m relaxing, I’m stressed about the next day or something unrelated. I don’t know how to stop. + +I just started a job, I’m 18 so I thought it was time to work. I’m in a bit of a bad depression patch right now where I don’t wanna do anything even things I enjoy. My mom wanted me to do the job. We are about to spend 400+ dollars on things I need for the job so no going back now, I feel trapped. + +And the thing is, I like the job. I’m learning to be a dog groomer, but I’m so scared I won’t be able to have down time to unwind. School is already extremely overwhelming and hard to get through. How can I cope with this? I need help",Stress +48389,"Kind of a weird question about stress So, there’s this thing I’ve been dealing with for a while. When my body is under physical stress, or I’m under mental stress, I sometimes get the urge to hiccup. Not a series of hiccups, just one annoying outburst. And I guess I don’t really know if I’d call it a hiccup even. My parents have taken to calling it a “narg” because that’s basically the sound I make during a particularly strong one. Has anyone else ever experienced this before? And is it even really an involuntary stress reaction? It’s been happening for years. I even had an ultrasound on my gallbladder, since my doctors didn’t know what could be causing it. No issues there either. I’d love to hear if anyone has any similar situations.",Stress +48390,"Prolonged Stress due to previous period of stress I’m in my final year of Engineering school and previous semester was pretty stressful for a solid month, I had to change up my routine. I managed to get everything done, but I never celebrated. Straight after that I moved to a new place, and felt more stressed, as it didn’t meet my expectations. Then I got pretty sick. And now 2 months after it feels like the stress has built up, and is there just for the sake of it. I feel stuck in the stress trap. Anything I do in life stresses me, and it can’t stay like that for long. I need to escape, I need some peace. + +Share with me your thoughts. I’m open to listen.",Stress +48391,mid 40s anxiety at work I dread going to work every day. Its relentless tech support work. What options do I have to get out of this. Can't do this any more. I might get a stroke or something,Stress +48392,"Overwhelmed, tired, scared I’m typing this after realizing the amount of mistakes I made these past few weeks at work. It’s been so hard to focus and I’m finding that I can’t understand basic (so they seem) task requirements. +Desk job, working with numbers and reports, Maths have never been my forte, I’m surprised even to this very day how I’ve been hired and still work here after many years. I feel like I’m always behind everyone else and I can’t use logic when looking at numbers. +Well this time the mistake I made was because I/we haven’t checked some figures, I didn’t get help (my manager is on holidays, other members of the team are busy with their stuff), I didn’t connect the dots. +I just can’t do it anymore. I live under constant pressure due to work, so many sleepless nights, thoughts racing in my head, stupid scenarios I build, poor nutrition and so many times of crying uncontrollably. +I don’t want to blame external factors but there has been constant miscommunication which also led to where we’re at. +My therapist can only help so much, I always feel great after each session and it looks like have the right tools and mindset to get better, but inherently I’m always on the edge, stressed and scared of consequences. +I felt like venting and writing down my pain, typing this in tears, feeling so useless and stupid, but it felt good sharing this here.",Stress +48393,"Adult onset vocal tics? Is this a thing? A couple of times in my adult life when I’ve been under significant stress, I’ve developed both physical tics (chin quivering, tapping my first two fingers against my thumb repeatedly), as well as vocal tics (making like a tiny whmp noise every couple seconds for a while). + +I don’t even know why I’m asking. I’m under terrible stress and doing this. That’s all.",Stress +48394,I am sick ALL the time Since the beginning of December I‘ve been sick 5 times and everytime for at least 5-6 days. Does anyone have the same problem and how likely is it that stress is the cause?,Stress +48395,"I'm BURNED OUT... What should I do? So, let me start by saying I'm 28 M, and I've been burned out for the last few years and just ""managing to get by."" I work a full-time 9-5 position (got promoted end of last year), I'm studying part-time in college (straight As till this recent semester, 3 courses every semester), I'ma caretaker and I take care of storeruns/bills/necessities for my home, and I have a significant other that I'm going steady with. + +So, my job has gotten to become majorly overwhelming, but the salary's great for someone with no degree, and I'm very used to working with this employer and the work that we do—however between an occasionally toxic environment and daily demands that I'm struggling to focus on (due to my burnout), I fear for my job safety and am becoming miserable. This semester, I find myself having no energy to take on my schoolwork after the workday. I had no option for in-person classes, and all of them are reading and/or writing intensive, none of which makes it any better. As a result of these two alone, I've found myself too tired and stressed to desire nutritious foods, and have adopted poor eating habits... Finally, I'm proud to take care of business for my home, and to have a loving and supportive partner... however, I'm really beginning to tire of the workload, and the result it's taking on my mental health. I do not want to fail, nor be fired, nor disappoint my loves ones... + +I know ""I'm worth it,"" and must take time for myself, but how? What does that truly mean? My breaks lately are watching a show while eating for a bit, or going to the market to shop for groceries... I haven't truly had a day off, and it's difficult to be ahead when you're working overtime at your 9-5 to catch-up to the constant demands. To my partner, I don't wanna litter our relationship with complaints or my personal woes. I wanna be a hero, an example, and stable... What do I need to do to recharge and get back on track? + +(Thanks in advance! Don't get it twisted. I'm venting, but beneath all of this is ambition and drive. Hence why it angers me that I'm feeling the ""fuck it"" mentality damn near...)",Stress +48396,"Maintaining Hygiene I'm sure I'm not alone in finding that poor mental health makes it difficult to keep on top of hygiene related tasks sometimes. I personally really struggle to motivate myself to brush my teeth even though I know I should. + +I think the thing that stops me is worrying about being left alone with my thoughts while I do that- I can't distract myself easily by doing things on my phone because one hand is occupied, and using my phone one handed is harder. + +Is there anything that others do while brushing their teeth (or other tasks) that helps then overcome this barrier? I've tried watching YouTube videos, but the effort of finding one I'm interested in seems to be creating enough of a mental barrier that I'm still finding myself procrastinating.",Stress +48397,"just realised my sickness is stress related I can barely move from the nausea, my whole body is heavy and my head feels musty, it feels like the flu I can barely stand up for 10 minutes without feeling violently ill. The thing is, I need to pack to move out today and I've got about half of it to go. I just want to sleep and run away from it all but I can't. I'm exhausted, I've had to clean out all my moms stuff and decide on a place within a month (she died recently and I'm 18). The pressure from everyone to sell the house fast is killing me. + +It's not logical, or not practical. Well it's not what everyone else expects of me anyway. So I need some help in managing this sickness so I can get stuff done.",Stress +48398,"Stress leave Anyone ever successfully take FMLA for stress leave? What was the process like? Did you return to your previous employer and if so, were you treated with respect after leave?",Stress +48399,"Anger boiling over Hi everyone! I’m struggling a lot lately and I’m hoping some of y’all have tips for me. + +Life has been hard lately and my stress is manifesting as anger. I keep telling people I’m entering my villain era because this is so abnormal for me. I am so frustrated at work because everything is falling on my shoulders while my boss stays lazy. I have low tolerance for stupid behavior and am calling people on their sh*t. My VP laughed at me when I tried to bring up an issue recently and I rage cry when I think about it. I’m finding myself being short with my friends and acting entirely self centered. + +This isn’t normal for me. I normally tolerate so much. I am compassionate and so empathetic and normally look to help everybody, and I’m just burnt out. I know it’s stress/anxiety. + +For a little context that I know is playing into it all: I just weaned off depression and anxiety meds around Christmas. My grandma died in January. My dad has cancer and is very sick right now. I just learned someone I work closely with was a suspect in a murder that remains a cold case…. + +I feel like I’m falling apart and I need advice of how to bring myself back. What do I do? How do I stop feeling so mad? Thank you ❤️",Stress +48400,"How long does this take? Hey everyone, i am currently a doctorate student and have been really struggling with mental stress and feelings of not being good enough( with regards to my career). My stress causes impact on my digestion which in turn causes more stress to me. I have been managing my gut health but it relapses every now and then. + +My stress levels mostly come when i have been unable to do an important task in my research or if it takes some considerable time to do them. Additionally, feeling of not being smart enough for my career keeps trickling down at the back of my head (Which i think is the major reason of my stress). + +I do breathing exercises and they have been great in the short term or for that instance but stress keeps coming back. I have been pretty consistent with mindfulness and other things but it always end up coming back. + +Does any one know how long would it take to see some permanent results? (Sometimes, i feel it will be when i get done with my doctorate degree!)",Stress +48401,"Lower back, butt and leg pain due to stress? Has anyone else felt constant back & leg pain (or even general muscle pain on any part of the body due to stress? + +I have never had back problems, ever. Knock on wood, I’ve had no accidents, no sciatic issues, no joint issues, pinched nerve issues or broken bones etc. + +That being said, I’ve been undergoing a lot of stress lately. The pain has been building up for a few days but tonight, I’m experiencing increased pain! Feels like the origin is the right side of my lower back and the pain radiates down through my butt cheek into my calf (pain is not travelling to foot). It‘s not a sharp pain. It’s more of a gnawing, dull but steady pain. Feels as if I’ve been punched HARD several times in the said area and I only get a bit of relief if I curl up in my side in the fetal position. + +I found literature online saying that stress can cause these symptoms but I just find it so bizarre. Am I really that fragile thay stress could cause so much havoc? I’m in my 30s. No major health issues. I did have mild covid 1.5 weeks ago though. The only other thing I can think of is the fact that I’ve been sitting a lot due to studying for exams nonstop. Weird because I’ve spent more time sitting and studying in the past, but had no back issues at that time. + +I will be seeing my doc next Monday so I will update the chat but wow this pain is gnarly.",Stress +48402,"Short questionnaire about stress Hi guys! + +So, we've created a questionnaire about stress: [https://forms.gle/1PEqTfbveP1NrWgb9](https://forms.gle/1PEqTfbveP1NrWgb9) and we'd love for you to fill it out. Your responses will be super helpful for our research :) + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for your time! You'll find all the information needed in the description!",Stress +48403,"Sense of fear Have you ever felt a sense of fear that seemed to take over your body and mind, leaving you feeling helpless? Fear can be a paralyzing emotion, preventing us from moving forward in life. But what if there was something you could do about it? What if there were ways to get rid of the sense of fear? + +In this article, we will explore practical tips and techniques for overcoming feelings of fear. Whether your fear is rooted in an event or situation from the past or stems from current worries and anxieties, these strategies may help you ease your fears so that they don’t control your life. + +We’ll discuss how to identify triggers, use self-talk to reframe thoughts, practice relaxation methods such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, reach out for support when needed, and more. So let’s dive into learning how to manage fear and gain peace of mind: + +[https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/](https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/)",Stress +48404,"New nervous/stress habits. New poster here. I am a 54f professional w a history of depression. I notice I’ve developed new habits of rocking (rare) and chin quivering (frequent!, seems intentional, can stop, but the inclination is def increasing). Full transparency: I’ve started drinking a bit more, but no more than I’ve overindulged in the past due to stress. I am under incredible amounts of increasing, unrelenting, and incomprehensible stress these days due to my employer suddenly changing all policies. I never rocked/quivered before these changes. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced rocking and chin quivering in response to stress. And the influence of alcohol if relevant. Thanks.",Stress +48405,"Do I have a problem with my brain? Well I've had problems with things for a couple of years but it's never been so bad that I can't concentrate and only talk to other people at school. + for example I was listening to the teacher the whole time and then she asks me something and I don't know what she said. + and also problems like I want to read something and I can read but I can't understand what I'm reading until I can picture it in my head and that's not easy either and if I can't picture it then I can too do not understand. + and in German I've never had any problems with grammar and such and commas and everything just happened by itself and I always wrote a 1 in dictations and now all of a sudden I've made all these grammatical errors that I've made before and still messed them up. + and I've never had problems remembering things, but now on a ö I can't remember anything anymore. I forget everything I'm told and I always have to imagine it before I'm told things. + and that has nothing to do with the brain, but lately I've been getting sick every week and my immune system is also deteriorating very badly, although I've always gone 4 years without getting sick (that has nothing to do with the topic but it has to be say once) + can anyone give me any advice on what to do now?",Stress +48406,"Cbc results scared af Freaking tf out about my cbc test + +Hello everyone! I just need advice and yes I know this isn’t a doctors office etc… if anyone ever had abnormal blood work please share. I recently had to get blood work because my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine . When I did the results came back high for EOSINOPHIL. He told me to go back 2 weeks later which was Monday.. well now my white blood cells are low and I’m freaking the hell out . I keep reading shit on google and it’s nothing positive. My EOSINOPHIL is still high . I did have covid a month ago idk if that could do anything or not ? The only thing that changed in the last 2 weeks is I was put on blood pressure medicine for my blood pressure being so high . Please someone tell me I’m just crazy and my anxiety is getting the best of me . It’s so bad I can barely eat or think straight . Here are the results +- [ ] WBC +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 3.3 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 4.5 to 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 4.5 - 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 36 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 50 to 70 % +- [ ] 50 - 70 % +- [ ] EOSINOPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 13 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 0 to 4 % +- [ ] 0 - 4 % +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL # +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 1.20 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 1.70 to 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 1.70 - 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL",Stress +48407,"Dealing with the Critics in Your Life Whatever you’re trying to achieve - save the world, write a novel, devote yourself to a particular cause – there are likely to be those who will be critical. Some people just have a critical disposition while others will take issue with the specifics of your particular endeavour. Criticism is unavoidable. Your choice is in how to respond to it. + +### Consider these strategies for managing the critics in your life: + +**Clarify your purpose.** As humans, we are compelled to make meaning. Making meaning for ourselves – and value for others – is fundamental to a life well lived. When you’re doing something very important to you, you care far less about the criticisms of others. If they can easily throw you off your path, you might want to reflect on how important it really is to you. Are you living your purpose consistent with you values? + +**Understand the critic’s motivation.** Are they projecting themselves in to the situation – their aspirations, their skill set, their propensity for risk, their values? Are they genuinely trying to protect you from any potential down-sides? Are they trying to maintain the status quo – for you, them or both? Are they masking their own lack of action? + +**Recognise that criticism is not balanced appraisal.** We have evolved to notice negative issues more readily than positive ones. We are more likely to notice criticism than encouragement: people working against us over people supporting us. Most people are actually indifferent to you and your life so get on and live it. + +**Realize that you’re going to be criticized no matter what you do.** Whether you become a billionaire, movie star, teacher, doctor, or sit on the couch all day, there is someone that will tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing. So, live your life building towards what you do want rather than what the critics don’t want. + +**Respond calmly.** Rather than giving your critics the pleasure of an emotional response, respond kindly with a considered response. Acknowledge any leaps of faith you are making. + +**Use your critics as motivation.** While some people are intimidated and deflated by the critics of the world, others are able to use the negative comments as a source of motivation. Remind yourself that while the critics are standing on the sidelines, you are on the pitch and playing the game. + +**Decide if they have something useful to say.** Some criticism may carry valid points – explore these with your critic and ask what their solution would be – the response differentiates between useful and harmful dialogue. If the criticism isn’t useful, move on. You have more important things to do. + +**Take criticism as a compliment.** Most people will leave you alone if you’re struggling or aren’t doing anything noteworthy. You only become a significant target of negative comments if you’re doing well. If you’re taking a lot of heat, you must be doing something correct! + +**Live your life without the need for the approval of others.** Live your own life, by your own values. Use your signature strengths to create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future in your chosen pursuit. + +I hope you took something useful from this piece; I have posted a further series of quick reads on my own little corner of Reddit – would be great to see you there.",Stress +48408,"I hope this makes you feel better Society expects us to have kids, house, nice car and a “successful” career to be “happy”. + +We’re brainwashed into following this “dream” right from school and put ourselves through great deal of stress pain and suffering. + +Unless you’re born into wealth you have to give your life away and work for someone else’s dream with the tales that one day you will have the same amount of wealth and along the way you’re reminded how far away you are and compare yourself to others that have just that bit more than you. + +You sacrifice your life, freedom, health, relationship all for some pocket change and a supposed wealth while others are milking from your sacrifice this making you feel like a failure, feeling like that dream is further and further away. + +It’s a mindset you need to teach yourself, a mindset where your head is clear and at every obstacle you need to tell yourself no matter what it is that you’ll be fine because LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT and then when your health suffers all of these aspirations and dreams do not matter. + +I’ve been incidentally diagnosed with cancer - was very lucky as they’ve cut it out fairly quickly, only 3 nights in hospital, painless procedure. I’ve won a lucky dip with life because it was nothing, but seeing people who care about me being so upset was a horrible experience. + +I wanted them to be happy and stop worrying because I’ve never thought much of myself then why would they? Because I am nothing, I am not worth anything, low self esteem, never had any aspirations, goals, only liked cars, wasn’t very social, couldn’t really talk to people and sat in my own head alot. + +Showing how much those close to me cared for me made me change. When I lay in hospital my head was clear, didn’t worry about work, buying a house, savings or career. Only my family mattered and that’s how I’ve learned this mindset and began adapting my life around it, got rid of as much finance as I could, paid off my phone, sold the BMW bought a cheap Fiat for cash. Financial freedom helped with not worrying about money. Began saving money for a deposit for my new house in the future. + +I keep reminding myself to enjoy the little things in life, going for a walk, going to a gym or even buying something fancy to eat here and there on my weekly shop, going restaurant and getting a carbonara or a new phone case. I’ve started eating healthy and looking after my health. I feel happy, proud of myself and I live week by week. + +Of course I am aware I am very lucky and not everyone has the same opportunities in life and do not wish to upset anyone by this post. I hope this helps someone to find their path in life.",Stress +48409,"Investigating whether sexual fantasies are associated with personality, desire, and beliefs about one's own thoughts. \*\*Content Warning\*\* - Sensitive/Sexual topics. As part of my Psychology degree at the University of Lincoln, I am carrying out research for my final dissertation project. If you are aged 18 years old or older and can read/write in English, I would appreciate it if you could take the time to complete my study, which will take about 20 minutes. This study is examining the influence of beliefs, personality traits, and desire on sexual fantasising. Gender will also be investigated as an influence. You should only take part if you feel comfortable with these topics, specifically sexual fantasy content. The brief in the study link will provide more information and details of what the study will involve (ethics approval code: 2022\_10295). Please note, if you are negatively affected by the questions/topics, you are free to withdraw from the study while participating by closing the browser. Please feel free to share this, along with the study link, to friends or group chats who you think may be interested in taking part. Your help would be very valuable. Thank you! + +[**https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo**](https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo)",Stress +48410,"Looking for participants to use a mobile app designed for students Hi dear students in this group, + +I have designed a mobile app based on research that can help you focus on priorities instead of ""short-term"" distractions in a motivational way! + +Try it for free; you will never regret it! + +I need your help to use it and evaluate it in 4 weeks. Your participation is highly appreciated. + +https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795 + +For more info, read the following Recruitment notice + +Study Title: Evaluation of a Persuasive Mobile Application for Prompting Time Management Behaviour  If you are a student (part-time or full-time) enrolled in a degree program in a higher education institution, 18 years or older, and able to access a smartphone device, you are invited to evaluate the effectiveness of a persuasive app. The app aims to persuade students to be more organized towards their tasks and study spaces.   + +First, you will be asked to give consent to do the study and respond to pre-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which consist of demographics questions, questions of your preference for organization toward your tasks and study space, level of perceived ability to control your time, and stress level. After answering the pre-survey questions and providing your email address, you will see a link to the app. By clicking the link, you will be able to download the app on your device.   + +Second, you will use the app daily by adding your daily tasks and organizing them based on their importance/urgency, marking them as complete, and engaging in social community features over four weeks. The app will send you notifications to emphasize the benefits of adhering to organizational acts and encourage you to minimize physical clutter in order to create a better-organized study space.   + +At the end of the study, you will be asked to respond to the post-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which is the same pre-survey question, including your experiences and perceived persuasiveness towards the app. The interview will be optional. There will be a question that asks you if you want to be interviewed, and by choosing “yes,” the researcher will communicate with you for an online interview which takes 15 mins. The interview will be audio recorded.   + +Your participation is highly appreciated and is completely voluntary. All data will be treated confidential and for research purposes only. You will not be asked for any personal information other than your email to connect the pre survey, post survey, and the app usage.   + +Compensation:   Participants will be entered into a prize draw to win an Amazon C$25.00 gift card (8 winners). + +If you face any difficulties downloading the app, please contact Mona Alhasani (Mona.alhasani@dal.ca). If you know people that may be interested in taking part in the study, please, send the link to them.   + +This research study is being conducted by researchers at Dalhousie University,   Ms. Mona Alhasani – Lead researcher Dr. Rita Orji – Supervisor + +To participate in the study, please click on the link: https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795",Stress +48411,Hands Turning Cold When I get very stressed/nervous my hands go ice cold. How do you make this better?,Stress +48412,"I can't see the light anymore. Hey Reddit, + +This is my first post so bare with me - but I'm lost and I can no longer see the light in life. I've been working a crap job for the past two and a half years where I've been overworked. On top of that, my team is beyond toxic and our VP has caused so many issues to the point half of the team left, and the ones who remain are hanging on a thread to the point some are going on stress leave. + +I feel stuck. I'm dealing with issues personally, at home, and at work. + +I keep applying to jobs but nothing comes out of it. I've done so many interviews and made it through to the final round only to be told I was a strong candidate but they went ahead with someone else. + +I feel lost and hopeless. I battled so much in my life and got through severe depression in my teens to early twenties and what kept pushing me then was the fact that I thought I'd create something out of myself. I thought my future would be better. But it's not. + +The days are getting harder and I'm not sure what to do or where to go or who to turn to. I feel heavy all the time. I'm a 28 year old loser who has a stagnant career and a toxic job, no relationships, nothing. I'm losing hope",Stress +48413,"Stress Management Stress is an inevitable part of life. It can be caused by a variety of factors, such as work pressures, finances, relationships, and more. But learning how to manage stress effectively is essential for our well-being. In this article, we’ll explore the key elements of effective stress management so that you can start living a healthy and balanced life. + +[https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/](https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/)",Stress +48414,"I ask you from the bottom of my heart to help me....... **P.s The whole essence of the problem is in the second paragraph, the first paragraph is about me** + + +I am 18 years old, I have a weak nervous system from birth, but a strong character, and because of three years of serious problems in life, the death of several close people, my nervous system has failed and I probably have chronic anxiety.**From below I will describe everything that I have tried, if you have something to say, I beg on my knees, help me** + + +I tried meditation for 40 minutes a day, breathing techniques and much more of this type - but I came to the conclusion that this is not a solution to the problem, but a group control of my mind +I have tried a very large number of different herbs, ashwagandha, sacred basil.Also, different supplements - taking longer than 1 month and zero results, at most it became a little easier, but it is almost imperceptible.Personally, I think that these herbs, supplements are mostly utter nonsense, which has a lot of side effects, stupid studies that were not conducted in real life or just made to promote the product +I tried using reishi mushroom, cbd oil from a proven brand, tried vaping and other ways of using and everything is even + + +Please do not recommend medications or any herbs of the ""kava"" type, which has a hundred side effects, it is better to die than to eat this shit.If you really know a ""magic supplement, herb or something else"" about which few people know and it HELPED YOU OR YOUR FRIEND, ACQUAINTANCE - tell it to me please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please + +**Do not think that I am the type of people who have tried 1 product and immediately gave up, I am a person who ALWAYS GOES TO the END and will never accept defeat.I really spent a hundred hours analyzing this topic for the most part, and 99% of all the information is just a stinky slag bitch and it's impossible to fucking find adequate information.I searched in YouTube in different languages, also in Google itself for different queries in different languages, on Twitter and Facebook and found nothing working.If you have read this mini-post, thank you so much for at least thinking about the possible help to a stranger.All the best to you!!!!!!!**",Stress +48415,"Anxiety? Stress? Guilt? Scarred? I’ll try to cut my story short in hope of someone out there being able to help me and guide me as I feel like I can no longer continue living with this feeling. + +A general idea about myself is that I am a 22 yrs old medical student. I usually stress and worry a lot about medical school and my examinations, regardless of the fact that I score the highest amongst my batch. + +My story starts the summer of 2021 where I met a girl that goes to the same medical school as I do. Half way through the relationship problems start to arise between the two of us and I didn’t think anything of them as all relationships have their ups and downs. At this time, my partner began to say bad and mean things to me when we fought which initially didn’t affect me as I knew it was because of her being angry (she also reassured me after the fight resolves that she didn’t mean it). This started to escalate in which the problems became more frequent and almost every time I’ve had hurtful things being said to me. This progressively increased till the summer of 2022 (~11 months past for our relationship) which was the same summer in which I would take my Step 1 exam (a really important, exhausting and dreadful exam). At this point I used to always worry about our future and if were are even compatible, I used to have a weird heart clenching feeling that is filled with worry and anxiety, I also used to wake up from sleep several times with my heart racing or wake up before my alarm with the thought of our relationship overwhelming. We had a fight around 3 weeks before my exam which was my last straw and I communicated to my partner at that time that I want to end things as I felt I should communicate to her my true feelings that I no longer feel like I can continue in this relationship or think we have a future together (the things that were said to me where the worse out of all fights). She was devastated, cried and begged for me to give her another chance as she will change herself. I was heistant but decided to give her a chance, it worked out for the first few days but then the same heart clenching weird anxious feeling returned. I tried to battle it and not disclose it to her, but eventually I couldn’t hide it anymore and told her I couldn’t accept and give her another chance (around ~4 days before my exam). The whole 4 days and holiday after the exam was devastating I was really sad and down. With time, I used to distract myself and go out with friends (I don’t drink) almost every other day which helped me try to forget the whole situation. + +Keep in mind that I’ve got several messages from my ex weeks after the breakup about how I was wrong and that she would never forgive me and other prayers. Similarly over the last couple of months (it’s been 6 months since our breakup) I’ve been getting tiktok reposts from her account of videos taking about injustice and how sad/devastated she was which always made me feel very guilty as I was the reason for her current feelings. Similarly, it made me self-conscious about my decisions and doubt my feelings as she claims I never loved her and if I did I would never leave her. + +Fast forward to the last month (5 months since breakup) where I finally approached a girl in my class that was always getting my attention and I couldn’t lay my eyes off her. In the first 3 days (through text), I was very happy and excited to get to know her. Three days later (which was also when the new school year started and the week of my important sport tournament) I started to have this same tiring, coruscating and exhaustive heart clenching feeling as if there is something I am worrying about. It started to increase progressively and I’ve always tried to forget it and keep it in the back of my head,, but it has been really taking a toll on me as I almost wake up everyday with this feeling and it stays throughout the day. Keeping in mind that throughout this period we’ve grown really close and she seems to really care about me. I have this feeling in the background around 60% of the day, 20% is me being distracted by work and friends and the remainder 20% consist of me actually overthinking and worrying. I really don’t understand why is this happening: + a. Am I feeling guilty that I am meeting a new person? + b. Am I worrying that this new relationship may end like the previous one? + c. Am I scarred and no longer can commit to a relationship? + d. Why is the same feeling (but less intensity) that I was having before I left my ex happening again???? + e. Is the person not compatible for me and I am still seeking my ex? + f. Did I still not move on from my previous relationship (prior to the new girl I was certain that I did move on and had 0 feelings, but I brought it up now because I have no idea what is the reason for this feeling) + +Any input can help me understand this feeling that is taking a huge toll on me. + + +This is a previous post of what I felt with my ex that I posted 200d ago: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/step1/comments/w5ypbm/morning_anxiety_life_and_relationships/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf",Stress +48416,"Whats my cause of stress? Thinking Bout seeing the doc just to get myself checked out. Could be old age or poor lifestyle habits but i recently had a panic(?) stress moment that lasted for at least 5minutes until a problem was solved + +Background info: only experienced 2-3 occurrences where i found my legs specifically shaking due to nervousness. These experiences are spread very very far apart. 1st time over 10yrs ago fairly minor was just nervous about a new environment & people. + +2nd time was last june 2022 was falling behind online class, thought i couldn’t get set up this program until teacher helped lol and i think this was the main cause of stress (fear of being unable to catch up? Lost?) also deep slow breathing didn’t work here. How to manage lmao + +Most recent was few days ago, no leg shaking but just like the 2nd time can’t really think straight, brain wasn’t calming down even though i was breathing normally. Again it was a school related thing, had an IT issue i couldn’t fix, couldnt login to join lecture that was ongoing at the time. Feared missing out important content until i remembered i can watch the recording later but didn’t really get rid of that unpleasant rushed feeling and anxiousness that i need to get this login resolved. Only until i got connected with the school IT helpdesk that i felt completely fine again + +I seldom get nervous in job interviews but what is this??? Not sure why my body reacting like this if it’s just fear of falling behind/missing out + +Pretty sure there’s a correlation between 2 & 3 +Any insights? :(",Stress +48417,"Here are some tips for coping with work stress &#x200B; + +1. **Take breaks:** Make sure to take regular breaks throughout the day to help you relax and recharge. +2. **Prioritize tasks:** Focus on the most important tasks and break them down into smaller, manageable tasks. +3. **Practice self-care:** Take care of your physical and mental health by getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well. +4. **Seek support:** Talk to friends, family, or colleagues about your stress or consider seeking professional help. +5. **Practice mindfulness:** Take a few moments to focus on your breathing or meditate to help reduce stress and increase focus. + +***Remember that managing work stress is a process, so be patient and kind to yourself as you find what works best for you.*** + +&#x200B; + +**Have any other in mind? Do share your views in the comment section below.**",Stress +48418,"Headed into my first two exams of the semester and I’ve been panicking for hours I went to bed early last night to try to get a good nights sleep, but didn’t sleep AT ALL. Tossed and turned and heart was racing for like 9 hours in bed. Now I’m up and just ready to get these over with and put them behind me. I hate college, it makes my anxiety SO BAD. Looking into getting accommodations but it’s too late for these two exams -_- Wish I could just calm down and be “normal” and do my best…the crippling anxiety makes me perform worse.",Stress +48419,"I systematically throw up before having a Zoom meeting with my soon-to-be PHD supervisor Before anyone asks, no, the problem is not coming from my supervisor. He’s kind, willing to help and available for me. + +If you ask me I wouldn’t even say that I feel stressed before the meetings, in the sense that I’m not overthinking, I’m not having this bowl of stress in my belly that one could have facing pressure. + +Yet I don’t know why, systematically, 10-5 minutes before the meeting, I go to the toilet and I throw up everything I have, even if I had a light breakfast before. I really don’t know what can I do to stop this because it doesn’t feel like the problem is coming from me. It feels like I have no other choice but to throw up. + +Obviously it’s linked to the fact that I’m going to apply to a PhD and the fact that he’s a very knowledgeable man in his field, and there’s probably a bit of impostor syndrome playing. But what’s worrying me is the fact that of all the 10-12 meetings we had so far, I systematically throw up. I’ve had other meetings with other supervisors when I was a research assistant for instance and it didn’t happen probably because the stakes are lower. What can I do to feel better ?",Stress +48420,"""Desk Toys for Your Stressful Day!"" + +Desk toys are the perfect way to relieve stress during a tough day at work. From fidget cubes to kinetic sand, there are endless options when it comes to desk toys that can provide a break from the monotony of office life and make it easier to stay focused. + +Not only can these toys reduce stress levels but they can also help increase productivity by giving users something else to concentrate on. + +From desktop Zen gardens and mini trampolines, to spinners and wobbles, there is no shortage of desk toys designed specifically for stress relief. + +Many of these items come in fun shapes and sizes and even feature light-up features that make them feel like miniature works of art. + +Whether you're looking for an item that's just plain fun or something with calming properties, there's sure to be an office toy out there perfect for your stressful day.",Stress +48421,Over thinking about stuff I'm still debating if I wanna try and learn to drive. I do wanna move one day and I know I can without a car but it might be easier with a car but I'd only be able to do daytime driving I'm sure. Idk if I'd be able to find a guy who likes me if I'm not driving though but I'm still independent without a car though. I'm probably thinking too much about it though. I really need to stop over thinking about shit but my mind just goes into overdrive at times,Stress +48422,"Chronic stress symptoms Over the past few years - like most ppl - I’ve had a rough time with covid lockdown, plus then I was diagnosed with hiatal hernia, then divorce, and now financial pressures of single-handedly running a household. + +I was hoping to put this all behind me but last summer new symptoms started to appear: + ++ IBS / GERD (hiatal hernia) ++ Cardiac arrythmias (thousands a day) ++ Various skin complaints ++ Alopecia Barbae (beard patches) + +I’ve now had 9 months of all these symptoms and I’ve tried individual meds like beta blockers, PPI, tweaking diet, exercise with no luck… the docs say this is all because of going through a major life disruption and it’s due to underlying stress. The cardio and gerd stuff is so bad I’ve started avoiding stuff but I have CBT planned as a last resort treatment. Concerned the stress is permanently damaging my health. + +Anyone deal with anything similar? Go through a major event and suffer chronic stress? Any of these symptoms? Did they resolve after a time? + +How do you treat underlying, chronic stress?",Stress +48423,This article has been really helpful on anxiety disorders and how to control an episode [https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/](https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/),Stress +48424,"Does your stress cause anxiety? Does your stress cause anxiety? +Every morning my muscles are all tense and I have a tension headache - especially after a stressful previous day. + +By the evening this has almost gone, probably at 10/20% of what it was in the morning and then in the morning it just resets back! Doing my suede in! + +Any advice?",Stress +48425,"food and hair pulling How on earth do I stop utilizing food for comfort? This past year is the first time I've had a very unhealthy relationship with food (had my second child and have been nursing her. I'm a sahm with a 3 and 1 year old). All I can think about is food and eating. I'm constantly ""snacking"" and I'm always eating really bad and unhealthy options. I sometimes get healthier options but something in my brain just won't go for those in the moment and I truly feel I can't control it(I know I can and should be able to but I guess my willpower sucks). I'm so sick of starting and restarting my health journey every day because I can't keep from overeating to an insane level. It's truly becoming embarrassing and I have so much shame. + +I also have issues with hair pulling. I'll sit and pull my hair out one strand at a time anytime I'm idle. I'm well into it before I even realize how long I've done it. I've had this issue on and off since college. + +I've spoken about both of these issues with my therapist this past week and all she really told me was to find a sort of ""fidget"" to use when I'm idle to keep from the hair pulling. She gave me no advice on my food issues so I hoping to continue pushing that at the next session. Any advice or help would be so much appreciated, especially if anyone has experienced the same issues.",Stress +48426,"If you’re wondering whether adverse childhood experiences are negatively impacting you as an adult, you probably already know the answer. In my work as a hypnotherapist most of my clients are mature adults experiencing issues rooted in anger, anxiety, depression - or a mixture of these. Often, they are wondering if their present issues are linked to their childhood experiences. More often than not, the answer is yes. + +Research carried out since the end of the last century has led to a greater understanding of how adverse childhood experiences impact on long term wellbeing – both physical and psychological. The key findings are: + +· Childhood trauma is very common: even in so-called well-to-do areas. + +· There is a direct link between childhood trauma and chronic disease in adulthood. + +· The more types of trauma a child experiences, the greater the risk of them of experiencing social and emotional problems as adults. + +· Those who experience childhood trauma often experience more than one type of trauma. + +You can calculate your own ACEs score by responding to the following questions. Give yourself 1 point for each question where you experienced that category of trauma before your eighteenth birthday. + +1. Emotional abuse: Did a parent or other adult often or very often insult, demean, belittle, humiliate, verbally assault, or threaten to physically assault You? + +2. Physical abuse: Did a parent or other adult often or very often grab, slap, push, or hit You? + +3. Sexual abuse: Did a parent, adult, or someone at least five years older than you ever touch your body in a sexual way or attempt or have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with You? + +4. Emotional neglect: Did You often or very often feel that no one in your family loved you or thought you were important; or your family did not look out for each other, feel close to each other, and support each other? + +5. Physical neglect: Did You often not have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, had no one to attend to your medical and dental needs, or had no one to protect you? + +6. Loss of parent: Were your parents separated or divorced, or did you lose a parent for any reason? + +7. Domestic violence: Did You often or very often witness or hear violence between your parents or other adults where someone was being grabbed, shoved, slapped, hit, kicked, had something thrown a them, sexually attacked, or threatened with a weapon? + +8. Family member with addiction: Did You live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, who used illicit drugs, or who was addicted to any other substances? + +9. Family member with depression/mental illness: Did you live with anyone who was depressed or mentally ill, attempted or committed self-harm and/or suicide, or hospitalized for mental illness? + +10. Family member incarcerated: Did you live with anyone who went to prison? + +ACES Score (0-10) = + +As ACE scores increase, so does the risk of disease, social and emotional problems. With an ACE score of four or more, things start getting serious. While studies in different locations return slightly different results, the figures suggest around 11% of the population have experienced four or more adverse childhood experiences. + +Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. Resilience research shows that the appropriate integration of resilience factors — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives. Research in to post traumatic growth has identified five broad areas of growth: + +· greater appreciation of life, + +· closer relationships with others, + +· increased personal strength, + +· new possibilities in life, and + +· spiritual “development + +Which correlate very closely with the dimensions of wellbeing psychology: + +· Positive emotions + +· Positive engagement + +· Positive relationships + +· Positive meaning + +· Positive accomplishments + +· Positive health",Stress +48427,"How do u nature? Countless studies show that spending even just a few minutes in nature helps reduce stress and speeds up recovery time. What is a way you spend time in nature? If you don’t, why not? (Mobility issues, live in a big city, time, etc)",Stress +48428,Can stress cause weight gain? I’ve noticed I tend to get blubby when I go through long periods of constant stress. There’s no change to my diet or exercise yet I look visibly fatter. Can stress be causing this?,Stress +48429,"Help with appetite under extreme acute stress I'm moving interstate in 2 weeks, have had a lot happen in my life over the past 4 months, zero support where I currently live and I'm under extreme stress that's destroyed my appetite completely. I eat maybe a few bites of food most days, rarely eating a proper meal. I'm not even doing my usual stress binge eating, nor are my chocolate cravings there. I just feel full or sick every time I try eat. I'm losing weight rapidly that I can't afford to lose (I'm very short and already had a small frame so even just 3kg is a huge loss for me, anymore and I'll look like a ghost) + +Most of my stressors will leave me when the move itself happens and I'm seeing a new therapist as well then, one better equipped to help me. + +I just need help with eating in the meantime. I can barely stomach anything, when I do try eat a meal, I'm done after a few bites. I have very little control at the moment and I want to do right to my body to reduce the impact of this stress. All I can really control are food, making sure I take my medication and get some extra sleep. I just need help or advice with the food part. Again, it's just until I move and I have a support network and control over my life again.",Stress +48430,Behaviour become more erratic? Is it normal for your behaviour to become more erratic when you're stressed? I feel like I'm acting very differently because I'm stressed and just don't give a shit anymore.,Stress +48431,Help w Project I'm Working on To Help People Alleviate Stress and Pain: Your Feelings & Viewpoint I'm working on a project and would really appreciate your input. If you can help please link to short survey. 5 or so questions here: [Survey](https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/iac7KpqbNRKw8AHExtjc),Stress +48432,"Every time things start to get better something bad happens. So basically last year humped me. So much happened that I have been left with symptoms of post traumatic stress. Anyway I left my job to start this year fresh and hopefully not get bullied like last year. I have been losing weight, eating healthier, going to the gym and have never felt better. Two weeks of finally feeling like a human again and tonight I was going to go to the cinema to realise my car has broke. I know it sounds silly but I can’t catch a break.",Stress +48433,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! +  +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: +https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a + +Or call or email us today for more information! +Phone: (850)-629-8525 +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com",Stress +48434,"Subjects needed for a study on CBD and Social Anxiety Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in an in-person study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are located in NYC, a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +48435,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety Do you worry a lot? You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education classes. Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are interested in this study, please fill out the following form: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM)",Stress +48436,My online international friend wants to kill herself and I dont know what to do for her My online best friend has countlessly mentioned wanting to kill herself mainly because her mom and grandma fight constantly every day outside of her room but also some stress she has about getting a job and things like that. This has also led to her getting sick ALL the time. She says she feels like a burden to her family. I dont know what to do about it or how to help her. I can't visit her yet either. I've talked to her about it and asked her to call a hotline but she doesn't want to. I say I'm always here for her time and time again and how much I love and appreciate her and she even responds saying how much she loves and is so grateful for me coming into her life but she won't change her mind. I NEED HELP!!,Stress +48437,,Stress +48438,"my mind is too busy i feel like i have so much going on right now :/ i’m not going to get into details but a lot of pressure from family and stress school wise. i’m feeling the heat from being in grade 12 and man it’s terrible. my head feels stuffed with stressors and problems. how can i sort through them and work through each problem? (ie, bad grades, post secondary, etc)",Stress +48439,"Tension muscle pain Due to stress I am getting horrific muscle pains from tension, is there anyone out there who experiences the same thing? It’s predominantly my back, shoulders and neck 😓 + +All day today I’ve had a tension headache too with a sick and dizzy feeling 😭 + +For the last week I have been taking magnesium, vitamin D (due to slight deficiency), ashwagandha & vitamin B12.",Stress +48440,,Stress +48441,"Eye Twitching - Help needed I'm getting married in a month. I'm 37 and my parents and sister were pressing me to have a big wedding but I've never wanted a big one. More so, my fiancé doesn't want a big wedding either. We decided to have an immediate wedding ceremony then dinner right after. Since then my mom, dad and sister are giving me grief about our vision for a wedding. My sister keeps telling me that our ideas are stupid. I currently have an eye stye in my right eye and my left eye is twitching like boiling water. This morning I noticed that my left leg is also twitching. Any remedies to get rid of both would he helpful. + +I do not drink, smoke or drink caffeine.",Stress +48442,,Stress +48443,"Participants needed Hi, I’m looking for participant to take part in my final year project at university. This study aims to identify and analyse 5 predictors of test anxiety (Continues Partial Attention, Self-Esteem, Inhibition, Updating and Switching) to expand on the understanding of test anxiety and better improve the wellbeing and academic achievement of students. + +This study does not work through a phone or safari so you will need a laptop/ computer and google chrome/ Firefox for it to work. + +The study will involve 3 short questionnaires measuring Test Anxiety, Continues Partial Attention and Self-Esteem. And 3 cognitive tasks to measure Inhibition, Updating and Switching. This study is expected to take between 25 - 30 minutes to complete. + +If you are under the age of 18 or colour-blind you are unable to take part in this study. +You will need access to a computer or laptop to run this study. + +If you are interested in participation and would like more information about this study, please follow the link. + +[https://sunduni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eu2OxU64QxLI76S](https://sunduni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eu2OxU64QxLI76S?fbclid=IwAR23u41H3Eb7m3JGnON34teN0F66TvWWlBihc3IxQjUyNSlIlsJFZWsNJcg)",Stress +48444,,Stress +48445,"Is crying when stressed a female thing? When I’m super stressed and I don’t know where my life is headed, work sucks, am unhappy with my looks, have no prospects, etc, I cry. + +I was wondering if other women do this too? Do guys do this? Or is it a female thing because of our hormones maybe?",Stress +48446,"Sleeping 6 hours, heart Racing and chest pain Hello all. + +I have been on sick leave from work for 3 months now. +Tomorrow I’m starting slowly again. 3 hours. + +Throughout all January I have had this persistent restlessness. I have been sleeping 4-6 hours every night, woken up, and slept again for 2-4 hours. Getting up at noon. The past two weeks I have tried to get up at 8, to match my work schedule. Now I only sleep 6 hours and stay in bed trying to get in the last two hours. +It worries me that I’m still not sleeping through a full night. +I’m not sure if it’s stress or my hiatal hernia or my chronic neck pain that wakes me up. But I wake up rather abruptly. So I’m guessing stress. Sometimes I wake up with racing heart. + +Speaking of racing heart - I started to get that randomly racing heart throughout the day. I wonder if it’s because I’m starting work and I’m nervous about it. I have social anxiety and I’m trying to fit into this new “me first” mindset. I’m a big people pleaser, but I have had to break with that habit now. Also I keep getting chest pain, I’m not sure if it’s my hiatal hernia or if it’s stress. + +Idk what to do. I’m feeling uneasy about not feeling better than I am after 3 months.",Stress +48447,"50 USD amazon voucher for 2min survey (student project) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 50 USD among all participants. Raffle will be on Wednesday. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48448,"Can anybody relate to skin picking? I have this nasty habbit for 9 years... Picking my face, back. Of course I undeestad that it is bad, but still doing this ""routine"".And it has its consequences: the scars, red spots, even more agressive psoriasis... + I had some success stories of not picking, but lasted 1 month maximum. +I believe that it is like addiction.",Stress +48449,I feel like I can’t get rid of stress because it has benefitted me my whole life. Stress and anxiety has made me successful in the things that I do. But I’m also worried I may be stressing too much. Any advice on how I can get rid of stress even though I feel like I need it?,Stress +48450,"Short Survey for Student Project - Take part and get 20USD amazon voucher (takes 2mins) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 20 Euros among all participants. + +How to qualify + +\- Take part in survey + +\- Send me a DM with your e-mail and write me what is the last question in the survey + +\- Tomorrow we raffle the winner. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48451,Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide [Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide](https://www.motherofgrom.com/post/make-your-own-stress-balls-how-to-guide),Stress +48452,"Short Survey for Student Project - Please support Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +&#x200B; + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +48453,"Please help me.. I was just doing my homework as usual, nothing was on my mind it was actually just blank. And suddenly I start looking through my notes, specifically at all the marked out words and suddenly getting frustrated. But still, I wasn't thinking anything, mind blank. So unexpectedly I start stabbing my notebook and my pen breaks and then I start crying and hyperventilating, again, I have no idea what's happening or why I am crying. A few minutes after I stop and get back to normal, mind is still empty and I'm confused now and scared of myself, why would I do that. Yes, I am really stressed right now because of exams but I didn't know I would be stabbing a damn notebook for no reason. Can someone help me out? What could this be?",Stress +48454,"High RHR due to Stress Over the past month or so things in my life have gotten crazy - in so many facets. + +My grandma got diagnosed w cancer, my mom is having sudden alarming blood pressure issues, I'm in my last semester of college, working 30 hours per week, I just got a job offer for after graduation, rent is increasing, and more - all within this month. + +My average resting heart rate has increased almost 20 bpm. My usual RHR is around 60-65 and for the past week or so it's been sitting around 80-85. Yesterday in particular my heart rate got all the way up to 180 while walking to class (what would normally only bring it to around 120-130 or so). I just don't know what to do to get my stress levels down, and in return, my RHR.",Stress +48455,"Is this stress or mental health issues? Hi I am always nervous, I don't know how to describe like having butterflies on the stomach all the time and always on alert state. I keep making mistakes because of the alert state, after I make a simple mistake I get angry about myself and feel guilty, I cannot find a safe place to feel at peace even at home, my brain cannot stop thinking. How can I handle this? Thank you",Stress +48456,"we're all a work in progress One of the most satisfying things about being a therapist is watching clients build their lives on their terms by applying the content and capabilities they're learning and developing. + +Just recently, I wrote a comprehensive case study giving a fly on the wall account of what it is really like to work with a modern, third generation hypnotherapist. + +[http://permahypnotherapy-25599865.hubspotpagebuilder.eu/break-free-0-0](http://permahypnotherapy-25599865.hubspotpagebuilder.eu/break-free-0-0) + +It's packed full of insight, hints, tips and, for now, it is free to download.",Stress +48457,"How stress alone has potentially ruined my physical health . Last year alone . I stressed a lot . I actually told myself I’m so stressed . I feel like I could die from this level of stress . Well it almost got me . + +Start of last year . +- stress induced stomach ulcer + +4 months later +- stress induced IBS + +6 months later +- started grinding my teeth + +8 months later +- teeth grinding now caused tinnitus , ear pain , jaw pain . + +So because of stress I have facial pain , stomach pain , intestines issues , worn teeth and worst of all 24/7 tinnitus and ear pain . + +Stress is no joke . Look after yourself",Stress +48458,"Does anyone else get sore aching legs and body pain from being in a constant state of worry and stress I’ve been super stressed and anxious lately because of a lot of stressors at home plus feeling like I have no one to share them with. My family has been going through insane amount of financial issues and debts so I don’t know if this is a cause // effect. + +In the past 5 months I’ve diagnosed myself with all types of cancers ( because I had blood in my stool due to hemmoroids ) I’ve had swollen nodes in my neck etc. + +My body has acted out in all kinds of ways over the past few months and I’ve been visiting all doctors where nothing major has been diagnosed but I can’t stop worrying. I had got my blood work done 3 months ago and it was all good, now with the body pain I feel like getting it again because I feel like some new cancer mah have developed. + +The past week has been literal hell where my muscles are constantly extremely aching. My legs have been so sore, I wake up every night from 2 AM to 5 AM with leg // stomach pain and anxiety attacks plus my guts have been churning and I’m constantly worrying about things. + +Has anyone else got these symptoms weird anxiety symptoms ? Sometimes I don’t even realise that I’m clenching my leg muscles they ache so much. + +Sorry for freaking out and posting about all of this. I’ll appreciate some good vibes / validation + +I’m 29/F",Stress +48459,,Stress +48460,,Stress +48461,"Stress and anxiety are no joke The tension I get is so bad. I can feel it in my neck and my head. Tension headaches like crazy. The tension makes me feel foggy and almost disassociated. I've started having migraines too. 39 years old without ever having them until this past year. Really need to get a grip on my stress because it's so awful trying to live life while feeling this way. I've tried meditation, stretches, heat therapy. It does help but I can't just address my stress when it surfaces. I have to figure out how to keep it under control during normal life so as to avoid getting to this point.",Stress +48462,UPDATE If you haven’t seen my previous post then I suggest you go look at it but I broke up with my girlfriend today and it felt like a whole mountain of stress and anxiety fell off my shoulders 😌😌,Stress +48463,It’s not gonna be long before I have see a therapist As by the title yes I may need to see a therapist soon for what reason you might ask well here a little background so me and my girlfriend have been dating a whole 9 months her birthday is tomorrow and Valentine’s Day is literally right around the corner and I’m trying to focus on school and she’s clingy as hell which means I barely get to have my own personal space somedays I don’t even get to handout with the boys because of her and school not to mention I’ve got crap tons of homework everyday that I do and don’t do mainly because I stay up playing video games thinking on how I can be a better boyfriend to her and I’ve even gone some nights not eating and overall I’ve just got a shit ton of stress and I feel like shit every day and it’s hell 😭😭😭,Stress +48464,"[Question] Burned out but boss loves my ability and will continue to incentivize if I do more TLDR : 3 questions at end regarding how to not care to disappoint when team and boss have seen my abilities. Boss has high aspirations for me this year or which if I fulfill I’m going to stretch myself so thin that I will leave or go into depression. + + +I was given a rather good yearly review, and well incentivized, but I am currently stressed, and trying to figure out how to have less responsibilities, when it’s desired I have more. This is above and beyond the rest of my team. + +Boss sees my “potential” and not only wants it to continue, but also have me lead more, be more of a driver and influencer, and upgrade my knowledge, cross-team visibility. All of which I do not want. Taking on any more work feels like I’m going to “pop” and I’m already near / at burnout. + +I hate disappointing and failing (why I try harder than others on my team; and also why I’m hate being in this position I am right now) but I’m at my max currently near / in burnout, thinking or ways to get out. My mindset is that I’d rather quit a 6fig job and go elsewhere / take a break than disappoint and fail someone whom believes in me so wholeheartedly, and knows how fast I can operate. + +Sadly I’ve “shown my hand” this past year of what I’m capable of, but it’s unsustainable for my stress levels, needed downtime, and resetting ability. And more is desired. I’ve mentioned already to the boss that I’m burning the candle at both ends, but it’s only been sprinkled throughout the year. I also hate that I would them regret providing a large optional incentivized reward. Additionally if I fail it’s most likely no more of that and I would just be considered “middle of the road”. I’m OK with that if someone didn’t know my abilities, but again I have pushed past 120% capacity many times for tight deadlines and to get things done. + +- How do I change my mindset to not care about disappointing +- What, if anything, do I tell boss? I feel I need to drop hints that this is too much and if I’m dead it does no one good. ( absolutely sucks feeling capable but also having a hapicapied weakness of stress leading to depression.) +- What would you do if you were me with these concerns, and yet burned out?",Stress +48465,"Stress Management Hi everyone, may I please invite you to answer a poll? + +If there is anything you would want to be better at what would it be? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10n8jpe)",Stress +48466,"Dealing with stress related gastric problems I get awful tummy problems when I’m stressed, to the point where it’s hard to eat properly. How do you guys deal with this? I’ve had quite a run of stress lately, and as a side effect I haven’t been eating enough",Stress +48467,"Hardest part about dealing with stress In an effort to support each other here... + +Open discussion: What is the hardest part about dealing with stress? Share what you are going through. I'm sure it will help me too and I'd feel that I am not alone. I'll go first - My relationships are taking the backseat. My children suffer too.",Stress +48468,"""Reduce Worry and Chill Out – The Best Gummies for You"" + +Are you feeling overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety of everyday life? You're not alone. Worry, stress, and anxiety can often come from daily tasks that are out of our control or from a lack of focus on self-care. Thankfully, there is an easy solution: best gummies for stress and anxiety! + +Gummies infused with calming herbs such as chamomile, lavender, and passionflower have been shown to reduce levels of worry and promote relaxation. + +They are also low in calories and free from artificial ingredients making them a great choice if you're looking for an all-natural way to chill out. + +Additionally, gummies can be taken anywhere at any time making them extremely convenient when it comes to managing your mental health on the go.",Stress +48469,"Nobody listens Nobody listens to the words I say +Only pipe up when I have to pay +Everyone talks over me +Then I get asked why I'm not acting like me + +Only care when I'm acting recluse +Not caring when I feel like no use +Not speaking up when I feel out of place +Only making me feel like a waste of space + +I know this is too much to handle +But I feel like I must be like a candle +Melt away all the excess waste +Find a smile to put on the new face + +credit to Twitter / @onlyhumans65",Stress +48470,"Please help me I beg Please help I beg … + +I have a huge problem trying to sleep + +I hate dreaming and the thought of dreaming or just realizing I’m in a different reality of the world sometimes it makes me not want to sleep or I don’t be able to sleep I want to break out of this mindset but I don’t know where to start everyone suggests me therapist but they always make me try to pay something when I simply just want answers and it’s frustrating cause I’m 17 going through this and everyone is trying to use me as a piggy bank instead of helping me become better",Stress +48471,"Small Survey on mobile games and stress Hi everyone! I am doing a small research survey (2 minutes) on how some mobile games can cause us to be a little too stressed - specifically looking for female players ages 25-55 from North America like myself. If you identify as a female, I would REALLY appreciate it so much if you can answer a few quick survey questions (it is completely anonymous) [https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17](https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17?fbclid=IwAR2m2DbjLP3-MrUYY9t7I2ghUN6077y-fMFOOELnW7mA8ctvNhV1Xuu62l0)",Stress +48472,"Stress Management Okay, so how do you fellow working citizens deal with stress? I just started a new job and the perfectionist in me is so nervous. I know i’m just starting but I literally want to blow my brains out because of how fucking dumb I can be with it sometimes. (Not literally but just like if I wasn’t so nervous my stupid brain would actually function better. Just agg) + + +Ughh I know I know. +Practice makes perfect but like…. What the fuck man. + + +I’m so scared I will fail and tarnish the company name and get fired for being a dumbass.",Stress +48473,"no stress Stress is present in everyone's life. This is unavoidable. What we can change is how we deal with it. And sometimes, all we need is to know how to relieve stress quickly, before it does damage to us or our loved ones. So, simple and quick ways for you to relieve your stress. They are suitable for any situation: whether at work, in studies, at home, in a day-to-day situation or in something more punctual. Good reading! Chat",Stress +48474,"Investigating the effects of early life experiences on stress related factors in adulthood Are you between the ages of 18-45 years old and want to participate in psychological research? + +I would like to invite you to take part in a multi-part research study investigating the effects of past life experiences on stress related factors; such as daily stress, ability to regulate emotions and sleep. To understand these relationships in the context of other important social, and psychological, factors such as social support and suicide behaviour history. To research this, we will ask you to complete a series of surveys across one week. This includes one initial 15 minute survey and then two 2 minute surveys per day for a 7 day period. Participants will have the chance to win Flexi eGift cards. + +If you would like to take part please click the link below: + +[https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK\_yhi77MRJc04](https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK_yhi77MRJc04) + +\*\*\*PLEASE ensure at the end of the survey that you submit your telephone number as you will not be able to proceed with the study. + +All research has been assessed and approved by the University of Leeds School of Psychology Ethics Committee. Reference number: PSYC-692, Date of approval: 07/12/2022.",Stress +48475,"Forgot the way to my apartment! I don’t know if it’s stress related. I do not consciously know if I am under a lot of stress, but on the way back from the laundry room, I pressed the wrong floor and started trying to open the door to the wrong apartment(which is two floors above mine). I realised that it was my seemingly ours but I had to take a minute to recall my own actual apartment number. +Is this worrisome? I have been in this apartment for 22 days.",Stress +48476,Back to stress/depression eating Lost about 80 pounds since 2019 and now since starting new job 6 months in I can’t stop stress eating. Gained about 20 pounds in the last 6 months from starting this job now I can’t control myself feel like I’m going to gain it all back,Stress +48477,"These are my Energy Gainers I always wish to surround myself with people who spread positivity in their talks and actions. It is such an overwhelming experience to be around them that loads me up with a whole energy. + +When we are faced with tough situations in life, communicating with optimistic people paves the way to eliminate negative thoughts and substantially boosts our conf..... [Continue Reading ](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/22/what-are-your-energy-givers-here-is-the-list-of-mine/)",Stress +48478,"Stress induced dandruff Any tips or ideas on how to manage it? I've tried every shampoo and I even have a steroid to rub on my head when it flares up from my dermatologist, but nothing works",Stress +48479,"Stressed about speaking a second language I’m doing this post almost holding a panic attack, but let's go. +I'm not an English speaker. Recently, I moved to a country (non-English speaker either) for a job (that only uses English). Everyone I’ve dealt with has some international background with a good spoken English or is native. +It's my first international position and my first time living abroad. And I've never been so stressed with my spoken English. +Last week, twice during a meeting, my boss mentioned it in front of everyone. Everyone with such a diverse background compared to my mediocre one. Since this situation, my confidence has disappeared, and I have felt that my spoken English has worsened. +At the same time, I've been so paranoid about it, that I noticed some behaviors that worried me (like being fixed on only consuming English content, avoiding and culprit myself for even thinking in my native language). +I'm petrified. I feel I'm losing the respect of my colleagues... +Does anyone have some ideas or suggestions? +My writing improved a lot, but my speaking... Damn...",Stress +48480,"Worried about my gap year I am a college senior and lately I have been stressed to the point that it has been affecting my sleep schedule. Currently I am taking a gap year to retake some prerequisites and study for the MCAT med school, I don’t live at home due to my school being far away, but I am stress that I have to be at home and study for it. I didn’t have my own room before I left to college. I had to lose one of the unused rooms in my house as my personal room, unfortunately, my parents decided that they prefer this room compared to the master bedroom. It was fine at the moment because I was away at college and I had a house near my school. Now that I’m about to graduate and hopefully move back home to save money I have brought up this issue if I could get the room back but instead of hearing me out, they had stated that I can just go to the library study. I am not sure whether or not I should just suck it up and move back home or save up enough money to move out officially. Any advice would be wonderful!",Stress +48481,"Being a single parent, working, and going to school is killing me I love my son. He is my rock, my world and the reason I am pushing myself. But, it’s reached a point where I am breaking. I hardly eat because I don’t have time to cook and prepared foods are expensive and unhealthy. I’m buried in school work already, I have to work to earn a paycheck and my son has needs too. I had been having awful migraines last semester and now they are back and this time I am nauseous too. I was dry heaving for 20 minutes. Right now my head hurts so bad that I am seeing flashing lights and feeling dizzy. I tried eating a banana and some crackers and drank some coffee, but it hasn’t lessened. I don’t know what to do. I am out of PTO due to covid and can lose my job for calling out, which I don’t wanna do because I have so much on my plate already.",Stress +48482,"How to deal with stress [https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq](https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq) + +This comprehensive and easy-to-follow ebook, that contains a lot of science backed strategies to dealing with stress will improve your overall wellbeing instantly.",Stress +48483,"Is it okay that I did nothing over my month off from university? Hi all, thank you for stumbling upon this post. + +The fall semester ended for me in mid-December, and I resume for the spring semester in a week. I'm reflecting on the time I spent while having absolutely no academic, social, or financial responsibility... to say the very least, I'm not very pleased with how I dedicated my time. Much of it was spent sleeping, binge-watching shows, cooking, and staying inside. I did get some important things done, but I can't help but think, ""why couldn't I have done more?"" I had hoped to do some exploring or go out more frequently to enjoy the outdoors. I'm disappointed in myself for not doing so. + +At the same time, I'm reminding myself that I needed to not do anything for a whole month after a year and a half of consecutive working. This was my first break in a really long time. I'm just upset about how unwisely I spent it... I don't know. + +Any advice or comments?",Stress +48484,"Diarrhea from stress, what can i do? Hey guys, i got a problem, like i build a wall in my head, if i wake up early and have to go in the public, like uni i have Diarrhea and now i am to stressed to face these situations, what can i do?",Stress +48485,,Stress +48486,"Post grad application and butter fingers I applied for a masters program in a field that I’m really passionate about. I was actually accepted into the program the year before but because of funding issues, I had to turn down the offer. + +This year I made sure to apply for many different scholarship and have managed to secure partial funding at least so it seemed like everything was looking up for me! + +Then last month my laptop was stolen (really scary situation that I’m not gonna into detail about) and I’ve had to email the university using my cell phone instead of my laptop like usual. I realized I’ve been sending draft emails through to the admissions office and associate prof while I was trying to save them and I genuinely just want to cry and give up. + +It’s such a stupid mistake and given the lack of response on the professor’s part I’m thinking this might ruin my chances. I was so proud of my personal statement and had really solid references but now I’m doubting everything about my application and myself. + +Edit: I received an offer and have chatted to the prof, everything is good now!",Stress +48487,"how to deal with previous stressed situations? I have been down with stress since mid November, and I have started up working again part-time from mid-December. I now have to travel (by plane) for work, which previously triggered my stress, because of all the people, noise and business of the airport and transportation. It took me a week to get over all the stimuli of the last travel day. I now have to travel in late February, and my mind can't stop thinking about it, and I am afraid that I will use another week to get over it again. So how do l deal with a previous trigger? Travelling is part of my job, and I want to overcome the fear",Stress +48488,"Introducing Fidget Pro Feeling stressed or having trouble focusing? Fidget Pro is here to help! Download now on the App Store and Google Play and start fidgeting your way to a calmer and more productive day. + +[Download Now.](https://fidget-app.onelink.me/qzNH/0g9xnd4h)",Stress +48489,"What do you do when your overwhelmed with stress? I don't have an actual reason to be stressed right now. But, right now I just feel overwhelmed. What are some healthy things I can do to manage the build up of stress?",Stress +48490,"Yin Yoga is a WONDERFUL Way to Regulate the Nervous System and Manage Stress I am a MA level clinical mental health counselor and was recently certified as a Yin Yoga Therapy Instructor. Though I cannot offer individualized/catered sessions, I do provide yin yoga classes on YouTube (@wildheartyogahh) as a free resource to help those who may not be able to afford help in other ways. Many people store emotional energy in the body- specifically in the fascia, since 80% of nerve pathways end in the fascia- and yin targets release of fascia and connective tissue through long (3+ min), passive holds. It is a wonderful, gentle practice, for the mind and body! Hope it can help someone. :)",Stress +48491,"I’m burnt out Fuck school and fuck this school system. I’m in a constant state of stress. I have panic attacks and I cry everyday at school as well as when I get home. I’m taking AS levels and the thought of me writing the exams in a few months keeps me panicked. I’ve withdrawn from my social life due to the stress and I feel miserable. I feel like im being suffocated. It’s all an ongoing loop and I feel stuck . I genuinely cannot imagine myself surviving next year too. Everytime I sit down to study, I have mental breakdowns . I just have 1 more year to graduate",Stress +48492,"panic disorder with visual problems anyone out there that suffers from chronic stress, panic disorder and blurry vision?",Stress +48493,How do high level CEO’s manage stress? I’ve always wondered how someone can have so much on their shoulders yet manage the stress and do their job.,Stress +48494,"How to stop stress? I have glaucoma in my family and I have a little bit too much pressure in my eyes according to a quick checkup. No idea has it done any damage, so I have an appointed test next month but I can't stop thinking that I'm gonna go blind before that",Stress +48495,"i have pretty much forgot all the good memories and cant make good memories anymore i don't know where to start but the thing is I have forgot everything good about my past, I realised this when I went to my school few days ago, where I studied for like 8 long years, I thought I would feel very nostalgic about it obviously because I have spent 8 whole years there with my friends, had a lot of fun, but right when I step into my school, I can't remember a single freaking thing and even if i would I gave almost no reaction at all, I didn't even smiled and that's making me sad. + +Another Situation Like The Above : + +I have got a girlfriend recently its been like 5 months and we meet in person twice or thrice in a month, and I met her yesterday too, when I am with her I pretty much enjoy everything, the feeling of hugging her, kissing her, and just doing stupid things together, but as soon as I drop her home its like all the memories just fade away, right after I drop her home I forget the feeling of huggin her, kissing her. I usually took this for granted all the time but yesterday after dropping her at her home tears started coming out of my eyes because of how much I hated this. I actually don't have anyone to talk about this with neither can I go to a therapist or whatever, can anyone please please please help me a little bit. +I will appreciate it a lot. + +In short its just like when I am doing something I will enjoy it and be present in that particular situation but as soon as I leave I am gonna forget everything about it. + +So if anyone knows what's going on with me please help.",Stress +48496,"rouvestatin jus started rouvestatin, anyone out there get dizzineà from side effects?🤔🤔🤔",Stress +48497,This might help you The Serenity Prayer is one of the prayers that brings peace of mind. It unlocks the optimism oneself and drives the composure while you are focusing on wrong things which you cannot control….[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/12/take-back-control-with-the-serenity-prayer/),Stress +48498,,Stress +48499,Stressed about money I have been doing shit with my decisions with money and now i have barely enough to live with. And no job’s have answered to my applications. And i feel that i have fucked up future completely.,Stress +48500,"New eBook: Stress Management Get the inside story – my new ebook about personal stress management, ""The **RESIST™ Method:** **How to Be Stress-Resilient in Just 7 Days. If you want to know more, click this link.** [https://melchopasikatan.samcart.com/products/the-resist-method-how-to-be-stress-resilient-in-just-7-daysdcxz1](https://melchopasikatan.samcart.com/products/the-resist-method-how-to-be-stress-resilient-in-just-7-daysdcxz1)",Stress +48501,"2023 sucks so much for me right now. My PC suddenly stopped working, the computer shop guy possibly scammed me, and last night, I was in the middle of a (possibly) gang shooting. I never thought I would see a gunman shooting in public, but there he was, pointing in my direction (possibly at a fleeing car that flew past me). Like, shit man, why is all this stuff happening to me all of the sudden.",Stress +48502,Insomnia How do you guys fight insomnia?,Stress +48503,"Being a perfectionist I dislike the word perfectionist, I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but it’s what I’m called a lot. + +I feel the need to do everything to the highest level. I start working on university essays weeks in advance and don’t submit them until the last minute and I still feel like I could of done better. I rewrite sentences multiple times because they don’t sound quite right. An essay that could take someone 3 hours takes me triple that. + +It’s the same at my job, if a customer interaction doesn’t go as well as I wanted it to it’s in the back of my head for days after. + +My whole life is dictated by this need. I don’t know how to let go of it, I want to be at peace.",Stress +48504,,Stress +48505,,Stress +48506,"Many don't understand that Stress comes from taking Stress as a real mechanic of reality You don't have to believe me, you can deconstruct Stress, Depression, Anxiety, all those franchizes in ImmaterialAI - a free tool i built for people to see how many ideas are unprovable yet cause us damage through us believing in them, personally i stopped believing in Stress and recommend it to everyone.",Stress +48507,"Starting college again. I’m a college freshman and just got off break. I was seventeen when I started and I’m only eighteen now. Everyone else at this school is 30+. I don’t fit in and I feel like there’s so much pressure on me to talk like them. Their words are so elegant, I feel like comparing our work next to each other mine looks like shit. I get really bad GI issues when I’m dealing with college. Everything feels out of place. To top it off, I’m doing online work so I have to have extra discipline. There’s just so much to do, I schedule it all out but it’s so fucking much. I at least know I’m stressed out and to breathe when my stomach starts making wild sounds. + +Does anybody have any tips, encouragement, or similar stories? I just need to feel like someone’s got my back.",Stress +48508,"Neighbor gave me a gift should I give back? It feels kind of awkward to be the only one to receive but if I offer something I'm afraid she'll perceive it as me just trying to be quits, which would be true but doesn't feel right",Stress +48509,"I feel stuck somehow I’m (16) doing my IGCSE exams in a few months, mocks in 2 weeks and I know I’m smart, I know I have the ability to get through it but I get so stressed thinking about it that I just freeze and feel like crying. I grind my teeth and bite my tongue I don’t want to be an utter failure at life. I’m scared of amounting to nothing because I want to do many things, I’ve always had high expectations for myself. I’m tired, I’m scared and I don’t know how to end this cycle and actually do my work. I take to long to sleep and keep waking up, my back always hurts, my neck hurts like crap whenever I see people with good grades because I feel like my grades would be lower and I hate being academically inferior. I feel like I’m going to fail anyway so might as well ignore it and enjoy my time and I know it’s wrong but I am so scared and I don’t know why.",Stress +48510,"Looking for different ways to cope with stress? I’ve been scrolling this subreddit looking for ways to deal with stress. I’m a 22 year old college student. This past year I have completely shut myself out from the world (not literally), but mentally. + +My mother was incarcerated recently. Her and her husband kicked my 18 year-old brother out (still don’t know why). My dad and I have a rocky relationship. With all of that, I’m a full-time student and looking for another job. With that being said, those events have taken a toll on me mentally. I feel so drained and emotionally overwhelmed. It’s started taking a toll on me physically. I don’t eat that often, have stopped exercise, barely leave the house, and quit my job. I don’t even remember the last time I got a good night rest (sleep without tossing and turning every hour). It’s been months. I feel so terrible. You can just look at me and tell i’m not myself. + +What can I do to help manage my stress levels? I’m about to go back to therapy in a few weeks. I don’t know where to start aside from that. Any tips would be extremely helpful.",Stress +48511,"First job This will probably be funny to most ppl but, I’m planning on applying to Walmart as a cashier as my first ever job but I’m extremely nervous because I’m really really bad at basic math and have trouble with basic numbers and I always overthink things and keep thinking of scenarios where if I had to give back change or smth I’d be totally stuck and look like an idiot I just thought I’d share that and hopfully people in the comments can help me out ty 😬",Stress +48512,"I skip eating when stressed So I’ve been stressed out a lot the past two months almost with school and family bullshit, finals and anything else. So when I get stressed I just don’t get hungry I tend to skip meals, or when I’m really busy I just forget to eat. But now I’m starting to see the effects of it on my health, I can’t afford that much food to begin with so I’m used to skipping meals, but now I have to make myself eat more",Stress +48513,"I just- Paid for a “massage” so id stop feeling so lonely. It actually helped a bit. We had a moment where we were just relaxing. It was the best part of it. + +Crazy how in a world full of billions of people you can feel so alone. I find that to be ludicrous. Don’t you? + +Something is seriously wrong in the world.",Stress +48514,"I dont know what to do and my stress is showing physically Last month I had to make a hard decision: Quit my job to save my mental health, or stay there and eventually suffer a burnout that’ll cause me to lash out at everyone for everything. I chose to quit because I just knew I wouldn’t go long without a job. + +New year, new hiring season, but I’m still here…in my room…applying for jobs…almost 50-100 applications sent a week, but because I’m not specialized in anything, I have to wait for handouts. + +When I eat my stomach hurts, but when I dont eat my stomach hurts and I feel close to fainting. I can’t sleep, I’ve been staying up til like 1-2am just…applying. I literally have nothing better to do. No money to spend so I can’t go anywhere. Me and my mom need to go grocery shopping, but both of us are too broke to do so, but we make too much for food stamps and I was denied unemployment. + +I tried to smoke the stress away, but that only caused me to feel like I need it so I don’t lose my mind being a manic freak. + +I try to play my video games, but when you’ve been literally raised by the internet and have probably seen everything of interest, it’s just boring. + +I go running sometimes, but then what the hell else am I supposed to do for the other 12 hours????",Stress +48515,"A little rant I hope this would reach someone to make them feel less lonely. +I am studying constantly to finish my bachelors degree by time, and when I say constantly I mean from 12am to 12pm, with 10 mins of break every hour, and with the breaks needed to eat. Then I start to follow my interests by watching videos on yt, and I end sleeping every night at 4/5am (that’s why I start studying that late in the morning). In the meanwhile, my mom’s getting old and dad is emotionally far (they divorced). My mom is almost every day stressed and sad (for reasons that can be acceptable and sometimes unacceptable), and I don’t know how to talk with my dad, because I don’t feel him as a “real” father, due to some things that happened in the past but which I can’t actually forget. +At the same time, my gf is pretty stressed with her life since October 22, and despite the fact that things are still fine, I feel the stress that is infiltrating in our relationship; my best friend are day by day more emotionally far than ever, and I genuinely don’t know what to do. +Any advices?",Stress +48516,"Dealing with constant stress on top of that have fallen sick and worried I have cancer I’m dealing with a really bad gut situation . Im only 29 but over the summer I was on a 2 month long holiday eating crap and that’s when my stomach problems started. I had blood on my stool at the end of two months and instead of treating it as a hemmoroid because of crap food I’ve been thinking I have colon cancer. Cut to the next 6 months of constant stress and anxiety and nausea and gut issues. I’ve never got constipated in my life before so I’m stressed about colon cancer and this is making me feel even more worried. + +I’ve been to the doctor and he told me the blood may be due to some minor rectal irritation but nothing to worry about. He didn’t check me physically though. + +All my blood tests and stomach ultrasound is clear but I can’t get over the thought of having colon cancer as whenever I’m constipated there’s been blood. + +I’m an extreme hypochondriac and im going through one of the most stressful times of my life and im worried I have colon cancer twenty four seven. Im constantly naseous and I have cramps. My stomach hasn’t been the same in 7 months and I never had this problem earlier. + +Current symptoms : stomach cramps, inability to empty stomach, blood on toilet paper, swollen anus( I can feel a swelling in the area), lots of acid reflux, constantly , and constipated + +Current Mental State// Life Problems: My dad’s company shut down over night 5 Years ago- both my parents literally have 0 money and we come from quite a upper class background from back in the day. They have no idea how to move forward in the future, I’ve had back to back 4 traumatic relationships where I feel like I’ve only been dumped because of the troubles my dad is facing and no one wants to be a part of this kind of a family. I’ve had men enter my lives, totally support me and fly away with all my trust broken back to back and all of this has broken me. I also saw my best friend pass away in a freak fire accident 3 years ago. All my friends are married / getting married and I feel constantly alone and sad. I can’t cope +I run my own company and I’m independent enough to live my life currently - but there’s no security for the future and I’m just constantly feeling like I’m racing with time to make ends meet. I feel like no one understands the place I am in physically and mentally and my physical health is making me unable to work mentally - and if I don’t work I won’t be able to sustain myself. + +I used to be a go getter- constantly at the gym and now I struggle to get out of bed. I have no answers on what’s happening to me . + +The last time I saw fresh blood was in JULY and now again In December. It’s fresh and very little but enough to make my mind spiral and think I’m dying/ I can’t switch off my brain and I’m constantly burning - farting and have reflux too! + +Do you think stress / anxiety are making my symptoms worse? I love to drink and I can’t even touch a drink thinking my stomach will spasm and bleed which makes me even more nervous and anxious. I’m at a loss of words and I can’t live a normal life. I want to switch off from the thought that I have a serious disease. + +Someone please help",Stress +48517,"health anxiety, chronic stress hi been suffering with health anxiety again, 1 thing after the other, stress anxiety and panic are sky high, jus took my bp, thats sky high too, head and back of neck ache, freaking out, jus can never relax, scared to death",Stress +48518,"ny gf had a shitty life Mine hasn't been to much better but shell go into depressive states and I try my best to help, I don't know how much longer I can support her especially when I don't feel my best",Stress +48519,"Wanna Do a Stress quiz? Hello! + +I'm doing an assignment for my school about stress and I need reposnses. This survey is about the stressful situations many face throughout their lives. Although this survey may not be 100% accurate or realistic all I need are responses! And no worries this is 100% anonymous except for your age :D + +Here is the link to the Google form if you guys want to fill out the survey ---> https://forms.gle/Kk3Sw7QhcgwB4JDH6",Stress +48520,"I despise living with my family but I can't afford to move out. I've been trying to move out for years but I make jack shit for my job. + +Every. Single. Day. When I get home there's an issue. It is always my older sister 100%. Whether it's getting back together with her ex that she got a restraining order against, victimizing herself over her kids existences because one of them is crying, or just being drunk, she is always throwing fits and making a scene, ruining everyone's day, for no reason. Let alone assault you for no reason. May God forgive your ignorant soul for thinking you can be in the same building as her when she feels like throwing a temper tantrum like a 4 year old. + +I've talked to our mom numerous times about her. She defends her every single time, sometimes I'll tell her she needs to stop enabling her and she just responds by enabling her. + +They're always telling me to pack my shit and go. Believe me, I'd fucking love to. But even though I pay rent you know they're always holding it over my head what a parasite I am and I'd be dead/homeless without them.",Stress +48521,Hollow Really feeling dead inside.,Stress +48522,,Stress +48523,This one really helped me out Quick fixes I've used - really helpful [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI),Stress +48524,"How do i get over my stress and anxiety related to having to learn to drive? I live down south in a mountainous/hilly area and i find it stressing even as a passenger at times because of how winding and narrow the roads are. it's as if a normal street was cut in half. there is consistently a large amount of brush around these roads which can obscure my vision. there are also a lot of guard rails around these roads which adds to it. i am being pressured by my family to learn to drive, mainly because 10 years ago my mom got high on prescription pills as she often does and went out at 3 in the morning driving somewhere and critically injured herself, almost paralyzing herself in the process (i was told that my mother is in the .1% of people who have a full complete recovery from the type of spinal damage she incurred in her accident without any loss of mobility). i also take prescription medication, and she has begun threatening to not pick up my prescriptions anymore if i don't do this which has also added to my stress. my family tells me that i can do all sorts of fun activities outside if i have a car (which i have little to no interest in, the only reason i leave my house is for food shopping and doctor's appointments). i obviously do not live somewhere there is easily accessible public transportation, either. for the most part i'm scared of injuring myself or another person if i'm behind the wheel.",Stress +48525,"Been in an extremely high anxious state the past five days (had multiple sobbing breakdowns as well), suddenly got weird “buzzing” feeling deep in one part of my brain? I’ve looked this up, and heard of the term “brain zaps” that can be triggered by extreme stress. But all of this info is from sketchier websites so I can’t be sure. Is this a real thing? Or do I have to be worried about some other health issue lmao?? + +It feels like a mini phone vibrating on pulses, deep in my brain in one located spot. (More to the right of my head.) + +I also look at screens a LOT, like 90% of my day, and I know that’s also a huge health issue but I’m not sure if that’s what’s causing this.",Stress +48526,"Super anxious and stressed after starting new job. Will this hurt my body or should I just tough it out for a couple weeks? + +so im 23 and ive pretty much avoided jobs because of pretty bad anxiety. + +I just recently got a decent job pretty much handed to me so I decided to take the opportunity but the anxiety from it is insane. Its not even really job related, its really just me being suuper insecure and shy and worrying about what they'll think of me. + +Im getting heart palps, im sleeping bad, im exhausted, Im getting a bunch of muscle twitches, im super brain fogged... + +I assume this will get better as time goes on and I feel more like acquainted to the people and job but right now its horrible. This wont kill me right?",Stress +48527,"Stress is insane and gives you so many grey hairs These last couple years have been extremely stressful for me and I am now 30 y/o and in 2 years, I went from 1-2 grey hairs in my beard to like 50. It is wild.",Stress +48528,"To those who give car rides UPDATE IN COMMENTS: I’m a college student from out of state. I left home because I didn’t like the environment I was in, and being out of state was one of the best options. I don’t have a car and it’s mostly a public transportation type place so it’s not the biggest issue. I don’t ask people for rides unless I really need them. If we go out, I’ll tell them we can take the bus. On rare occasions if I need it I’ll ask for a ride. I was getting close to someone and only then did I ask them to take me to target twice, once we went, the other we didn’t and the second time I really needed to go for a project. So you kinda get the jist of it. When I need to go to and from the airport I has rely on others, this is one are I need help in because Ubers are so expensive (also I only need it after and before the winter, summer, and one thanksgiving break). I generally don’t care too much about it’s safety because I feel it’s generally safe, but this one time it’s kind of an issue. + +I also would like to mention that I don’t really have friends in school. + +Anyways, I ended up contacting many MANY people. They all basically said no. The flight would come in at around 12 AM and none of them could pick me up. I honestly got angry. My thought process was that I’m literally in a bad situation, I need a ride, and no one can either wake up or cut their plans short? It honestly just made me so frustrated. I get im not your best friend, but a girl taking an Uber at 12AM-1AM isn’t okay for many. I’m not the type to go out a lot so it’s uncomfortable for me. + +I get it’s late at night, but it just made me feel like people are selfish. I hope I never treat others the way I feel when I ask others for a ride. Because it feels terrible, and I’m not saying these people are the exact reason why I feel this way. I’m sure it’s an accumulation, but it just feels so terrible. + +I hate having to beg and pry and ask. I hate asking for a ride so I do try my best to get there myself. I even offer to pay because I don’t want people to do it for free and then me feel like I’m always bothering them. + +I don’t know what to do, I know I’m emotional about this but people who have cars and give others a ride should try and be more empathetic to those who don’t.",Stress +48529,"YOGA is not only a physical workout + + + +**The word ‘Yoga’, has got a global presence now. Though it has gained popularity and is seen as a tool to uplift our lifestyle to a healthy one,** **myths are still buzzing around. It needs to be demystified as yoga is a great instrument that aims to develop self-awareness and connects that inner self to external energy…..**[CONTINUE READING](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/04/5-myths-of-yoga-to-demystify/)",Stress +48530,"Being too hard on myself This is gonna sound real crazy but I don't feel grown cuz I don't drive. Maybe I'd feel better living where others use public transit as much as I do. It does kinda bother me a bit like if I did wanna go out and get dressed up, I'd have to use uber or lyft but I'm taking care of myself and need to stay focused on my right eye so it can get better. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself cuz I'm really trying my best when I've wanted to give up before but didn't",Stress +48531,"How is stress and difficult emotions coped with⚡ # There are many different ways to cope with stress and difficult emotions. Some strategies that may be helpful include: + +# 🏴Engaging in relaxation techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Exercise: Regular physical activity can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Connect with others: Spending time with loved ones or participating in social activities can help you feel supported and reduce feelings of loneliness. + +# 🏴Seek support: Consider talking to a mental health professional or joining a support group to discuss your feelings and learn coping skills. + +# 🏴Engage in activities you enjoy: Doing things you enjoy, such as hobbies or creative pursuits, can help distract you from stress and provide a sense of accomplishment. + +# 🏴Practice good self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in stress-reducing activities. + +# 🏴Set boundaries: It's important to set limits and make time for self-care to prevent burnout. + +# Remember, it is normal to feel stressed or overwhelmed at times. It is important to find healthy ways to cope with these emotions and seek support when needed. + +# [ taken from r/on_therapy ]",Stress +48532,"Work, kids, wedding, in-laws… It’s all getting to me really bad. I’m an author and writing has always been my stress outlet and lately it’s like I can’t write enough to keep the stress off me, it’s gotten to the point where I can’t get comfy and I’m just anxious and feel like shit. Normally I just kinda deal with my stress when I have time but the way it’s making my stomach feel and how week my legs are, it’s making it impossible to help with my kids and I’m really irritable and it’s now effecting my partner. We’re trying to move out of the in-laws on a single income with 2 kids (6 months and 3 years old) while I work a new job that I just started last month which I love but it’s all getting to me really bad. I eat way too much and make myself feel like shit, me feeling like shit makes me anxious which nukes my appetite and then I can’t eat at all and then I feel sick because I can’t eat. I dunno if it’s my diet or what but this is getting really difficult…",Stress +48533,"New years stress :-( Hi! I just need to tell this to somebody. 2023 is going to be ond of the hardest years. Probably not the hardest, but like really really really hard one. You know, in november and december I was so calm and not nervous but with the strike of midnight… I don’t know. It’s just… I had to organize my moms birthday today (which was succes, I guess), in 2 weeks I have a prom, then I need to have good grades for being able to do the maturity exam (Final exam you end high school with), then writing the exam, speaking part, choosing university, going to university…. Omg, so many important things in one year. Is it just me, or did also anybody else felt incredible pressure of the new year duties right with the strike of midnight?",Stress +48534,"What do y’all do with your time off? I have been on sick leave for 2 months now. I’m completely paralyzed still. I have no idea what to do with my time since my creativity died. I use to draw, paint, write and play creative games. But all of my creativity died and it feels like I have no hobbies now. + +How do I get my creativity back?",Stress +48535,"Stress supplements Has anybody had any experience with immediate stress support, I’ve been trying the PYM chews for gaba relief and found them useful and I want to see if anybody has had success with anything similar?",Stress +48536,"I'm unable to do anything I can't even look forward to eating dinner with my family. My stress is so crippling that I am bedbound. I haven't spent time with frens in 1,5 years. Even my hobbies ruin me. They say I'm depressed, but I don't agree. This began when I was optimistic, but that is slowly dying due to my zero energy.",Stress +48537,For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency? For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency?,Stress +48538,"Stress Relief in Making Things So last year, I went to a diner with my gf and I had myself a cappuccino for the first time. I've never tasted anything so delicious and I made it a goal to learn how to go about making one. After Christmas, I got myself an espresso machine. It would be a few months before I used it (lack of space where I live) but I finally got it set up back in November. My first drink, well... I never used a steam wand before. I watched some YouTube videos, my second cup was EXACTLY like what I had at that diner. Now I make about 3 cups a week or so (usually to keep warm more than anything) and it's expanding to where I got a coffee grinder so I'm not restricted by grind. If I want whole beans, I can work with them now. If I'm unsure what grind the bag I have is, pour some in the grinder to make sure. + +Was it expensive? Well, getting everything together was about $260. With all the payment apps out there, it's affordable. You can make tons of stuff too. Lattes, mochas, I'll make hot chocolate with this thing. And I love it. If I have guests, I always offer to make them something. I found zen in the process, satisfaction in these product, and a desire to expand on what I know. It really makes me feel better knowing I can make something that not only I can enjoy, but friends and family can as well. + +My advice? Learn a craft that you enjoy. If you like painting or even coloring, there's plenty of resources. If you like writing, maybe get a voice recorder for story ideas that pop up and expand on that for a bit. If you like food, all kinds of classes out there. But all in all, make something for you first.",Stress +48539,Stress buster calming flute....Himalyan Hike [https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/musictracks/himalayan-hike](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/musictracks/himalayan-hike),Stress +48540,"Always stressed, even though I don't have a lot do stress about So I don't have anything that I really need to do, except for two school projects. One of them is a sewing project, and I know I can get that done fast enough, and the other is a important-ish project assigned by a really nice teacher that will give extensions. I probably should have finished them a few days into the break, but I keep putting it off. I'm always thinking about it, and I just tell myself ""I'll do it later."" Then I do something else and forget about it. But when I do remember it, I don't feel like doing it. I have all this free time and I just waste it. There's only a few more days until it's due but I keep putting it off and I know that I'll have to do it last minute. I'm working on it little by little to try to stress less, but I don't want this to happen again. What can I do to fix this?",Stress +48541,"Stress paralysis I am dealing with a lot of problems at the moment. All financial. + +How can I face the problems? And stop avoiding them. I do this because of anxiety and lack of finances to pay the bills. + +But I think I am hurting myself in the end. Any strategies around this paralysis?",Stress +48542,"I can’t seem to handle the stress from any job I am 22, and I started a new job 2 weeks ago, where I work from home, doing mainly administrative tasks. I’ve started hating it - I have a lot of work and since I am new everything takes ages to finish. I am getting so stressed to the point that I think about work all the time instead of enjoying life. I quit my previous job after 5 months because I also found it to be stressful (there I had a lot less work and looking back it was not stressful). Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this stress? Also any ideas on less stressful jobs? I feel like I am stuck in the corporate cycle and not sure how I can get out. I can’t seem to find a job which I would enjoy",Stress +48543,"How do I learn how to control/ get rid of stress when there are so many things which could be causing it I’m 13 and for the past 5 months , since august, I haven’t been able to sleep properly and my period has completely gone and my hairs falling out a lot and I’m positive it’s because of stress . The problem is idk what actually causing my stress because I have so many problems + +I’ve had blood tests and they just said I have anaemia (low iron). + +I’m always anxious when I can’t sleep because I start ruminating about the consequences of poor sleep and that makes it harder to sleep but idk if that anxiety around sleep is causing my stress + +Even when I do have a good nights sleep I still feel nervous and can’t seem to calm down I’m always stuck in my head and can’t seem to enjoy the present moment because I’m always listening to my negative thoughts + +There have been so many things wich overwhelm me , like my moms 39 weeks pregnant with her 6th kid and my parents don’t have time to give me attention and they don’t believe that I’m struggling mentally. +And I’ve recently had a fall out with a friend and now she’s spreading rumours about me and my sister keeps body shaming me when I’m already struggling with body image and calories + +Everything makes me feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know how to cope anymore I have no adults I can tell this to except my parents who don’t give af and I have no family where I live + +Can someone pls give me advice",Stress +48544,"Why do I have so many symptoms for stress Not being able to manage my anger, my motivation going up and down, not wanting to do anything, doing random things with parts of my body as a ”tic” why have these all come to me when I am not very (thankully) not depressed?",Stress +48545,Today I’ve been on edge all day Work stresses me out and today was an easy day but all day I’ve been on edge in case something stupid happens at work. Ugh what a nice welcome back from the long weekend,Stress +48546,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48547,"Cold water immersion for stress relief I’m currently on day 12 of getting in ice water for 15 minutes/day. And I have to say it’s the most powerful stress reliever I’ve come across. I meditate minimum 30 minutes a day but nothing compares to cold water. + +I sleep like a baby and for the rest of the day feel calm and in control. + +I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon the benefits seem to far outweigh my being uncomfortable for the time in the water",Stress +48548,"Years of waking up nauseous +Someone I care about a lot wakes up nauseous every morning since he was about 6 years old(he is 21 years old now). Some days are worse, some days are a bit better but he always wakes up nauseous. It is probably because of stress or/and anxiety. I am trying to find people who have or had the same problem and what do you know about it? And did you ever get better?",Stress +48549,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48550,"8 Simple Tactics to improve your personality + +Personality is defined as the collection of behavior, attitude, and ways of expressing emotions that makes a person unique. We can identify if a person is with a good personality or not based on the outer expression of inner feelings. If you want to become a better and successful person in life, be it professional or personal, building up on personality is a good place to start. + +How is our personality developed? Our childhood environment and surrounding people i.e outer world influence our personality…[CONTINUE READING](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/26/8-simple-tactics-to-boost-your-personality/)",Stress +48551,"Can stress cause things like this? +Only meds I've tried is low grade anxiety meds. And I'm unsure what bloods. My doc ran more thursday, said he'd call if anything was different. They tested for that one thing that starts with a T that checks for damage in the heart or recent HA's. +And during the echocardiogram my Hr was 130. She noted it was fast but then 2 weeks later I get a call. Holter didn't show anything super concerning and the echo was fine. I am under tons of anxiety and stress but whatever is going on has had me bed ridden with neck pain, dizziness, headaches and heart discomfort . The fast HR and pounding feeling for literally months essentially with no breaks. My entire life has been Halted because I can't do anything. I take a shower and my heart goes a million miles an hour and my blood pressure goes to the 140's over 90. Brain fog and dizziness. Tinnitus like crazy and this weird whooshing sound and pain from my neck . +It all started with going to the doctor bc I had Thunderclap headaches after orgasm, which lasted everytime for 2 weeks then just stopped. Then I started feeling worse and that stopped but all this started. I've had an echocardiogram, several EKGs from the ER visits, an MRI 3 months ago no contrast, a CT with contrast of my chest and neck last month, a CT with contrast of my head last week. Noone can find anything. Only suggestion my doc had Thursday was potentially ICP and he looked worri3d that's what it was and said if I get a headache go to the er. Which I did 2 days ago to which they didn't do bloodwork but they did a CT and Xray . Tested my eye movement . Then gave me a shot and sent me home. +I obviously need to continue to see my doctor and will. Just 4 months of this I'm trying to reach out for things to recommend to my doctor to test for and try because they're struggling hard. The only things I can even think of personally anymore is craniocervical instability, anxiety, and maybe clogged artery issues. With the ICP he thought, which is phesable I have 95 percent of the symptoms but the numerous head CTs and the MRI showing no pressure(doesn't rule it out) and the fact that it's been 4 months since it all began and I've not stroked out or anything makes it seem not entirely sure for me personally. But I'm not a doc, ill continue to do what they tell me, but man if I can I wanna try to nudge them the right way",Stress +48552,"I’m a little scared I have had serious stress issues since December last year. Went on sick leave November tgis year and was slowly getting better. Apparently the holidays are making me a bit worse. On top of that my dog injured his paw and kept licking it. So now I have to deal with that too. + +I have been pretty bombed after celebrating Christmas yesterday. And felt quite devastated by all the things I need to do. + +After struggling to walk my dog tonight, rinse, soak and rinse his paw again, I started feeling a bit weird and faint. My vision is a bit weird too. +I talk, walk and move normally. But I’m a bit worried",Stress +48553,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48554,Anxiety Relief https://anxietyreliefrings.co.uk,Stress +48555,how to feel stress free? im not even sure how being stress free will feel but im trying to get to that point bc stress fucks up ur health. does anyone have any tips?,Stress +48556,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48557,"Am I stressed? This year me and my family and I have been kicked out of our home, we're living with my stepmoms mom. My father has a stable job, and so do I, but they don't pay well. My stepmom, after 6 years, has had 2 jobs. One ended after 2 weeks last month, and she just started one recently. We have to find another place to live by the end of next month and we are no where near close to that. My hair is falling out (200-500 strands a day, I've started minoxidil) and I'm constantly fluctuating in weight gain and loss. I can't stop vaping because my body needs the nicotine but at the same time it's potentially making my hair loss worse. A while back I tried to talk to them about the stress but they dismissed it as something but not stress. I'm not sure if what is happening to me is stress, or something entirely different so here I am + +TL/DR am I stressed because family got kicked out and we have barely a chance at getting someplace new?",Stress +48558,"Fidget Toys to Relieve Stress at Work I struggle with anxiety at work, and often find myself biting my nails or repeatedly clicking my pen as an outlet for my stress. At home, I use spinners and other various toys to keep my hands busy, but I feel silly bringing them into work, as a fidget spinner just doesn't seem fitting for the office environment. Are there any stress relief fidget toys/tools that you all use at work? Ideally something subtle and quiet! + +&#x200B; + +Thanks!",Stress +48559,Children Stress Me Out Is it fucked up to say that I liked kids way more before I got one? I cant handle or match their energy nor needs. It’s so much.,Stress +48560,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +48561,"How should I stop obsessing over songwriting? So I'm in a band, and as of right now we haven't made anything yet, but recently I've been really up for it about making music. As a result, I've been thinking, when I'm hanging about by myself, about what our music could sound like, and I'm pretty sure that's why I've got a headache right now. Like, a couple of hours ago I tried taking my mind off it by (for some reason) listening to one of my favourite albums and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was constantly thinking about what parts of it we should and shouldn't sound like. + +I can't see this allowing me to write anything at all ever, so in short, what should I do? also happy christmas :)",Stress +48562,"Stressed about my Stress Test! I have my first stress test in a few hours and I'm getting pretty nervous. I have a chronic migraine condition that gets triggered by exercise of any kind. My BP is 130/90 avg, down from 16/110 (thanks Losartan!) and my heart rate is averaging 120bpm, but it's also down from 140bpm. + +Should I bring someone with me? How strenuous does it get? I'll be in a hospital in case anything goes wrong, but the drive home is 20 minutes. + +Thanks 🙏",Stress +48563,"Can I Reduce My Stress By Changing My Diet I am feeling stress, I don't able my work because of stress. If you have solution then please suggest me. What should I do to reduces my stress?",Stress +48564,"Stress Relief Fidgeting App Hey everyone! + +We have developed a virtual fidget toys app, designed to maximize the benefits of fidgeting (like [stress and anxiety relief](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/14/well/move/why-fidgeting-is-good-medicine.html)) + +It is available in the App Store and Google Play for free, and we would really appreciate your feedback on it! + +App Store: [https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869](https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869) + +Google Play: [https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget) + +Thank you and have a great day :)",Stress +48565,What's the worst part about being stressed constantly? We all obviously understand that stress isn't healthy. But each of us experiences stress differently. What's the worst part about being stressed for you?,Stress +48566,"why college life is so stressful?? Im writing here to vent out my worries. +Sorry for writing something irrelevant. Hoping writing here might help lessen my worries. THANK YOU IF YOU STILL READ MY POST + +Hello I'm a first year post graduation student in department of orthodontics. +I love studying and doing clinical works.. Academically quite good when I was in undergrad. +But after joining post graduation program.. its stressing me out so much.. +First thing the professor.. they are not very helpful.(don't act as guide which they are supposed to be) second my seniors.. they always try to transfer their personal work onto juniors(me). +Third the expenses..( my dept wants to party all the time.. for which juniors (me) have to pay).. +I didn't sign up for all this shit.. +I joined to learn things.. +Man there are so many things which are stressing me out.. leading to Loss of concentrations and procrastination. I'm anxious all the time..worrying so much..",Stress +48567,"Why is life so expensive I make fucking $15 an hour. I live with my mom, her boyfriend, my older sister, her boyfriend, and their 3 kids. By the way, I'm a hospital janitor. I wipe up blood, piss, shit, other various body fluids for a living. Everyone at work has said give us a raise. They refuse every time. + +Guess who the only source of income is. + +What they don't understand is, on top of me paying rent and providing, I have my own shit to pay for, and being broke pretty much just means I'm gonna have to go in debt, god willing my upcoming paycheck is enough put me back in the positive... hell, I messed up my wrist like 5 months ago and got it looked at, all they said was ""yeah it'll be fine in time"" and I AM STILL GETTING BILLS FROM THEM. + +My family is always telling me to save up my money and get the fuck out. I couldn't agree more, I despise living with these people more than words can describe. But, if that was an option, I would have done it by now.",Stress +48568,"WHY GET ANGARY? Do you get angry when your child is not listening to you? Do you feel angry when your boss scolds you? Do you feel hurt when your team members are not achieving the target irrespective of your training? Anger is common. Well-managed anger can used be a constructive emotional tool that motivates you to make positive changes. It aids to keep a distance from toxic people and situations and creates a positive fire within us. + +If not dealt with it in a positive way or if we allow ourselves to prolong, it will lead to destructive results that take a toll on your he…..[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/19/7-quotes-that-will-destroy-angar/)",Stress +48569,Deep Relaxation dissolves stress. What's have you found to be the best ways for you to relax?,Stress +48570,"Always feeling a pressure inside head I have this contant pressure like feeling in my brain. It's not exactly a headache but I always feel like my brain is not quite relaxed physically.It's like a weight over my head. I have tried meditation but ....it didn't really give me the desired output. I feel relieved only after my academic session is over or let's say I got really good grades/marks in my exams.i feel like the weight on my head got lifted. But it's not for long just a few days. When I start with my studies again I go into this state of mind where my head is constantly feeling heavy. It's being bothersome now as it effects my academics overall +How do I get out of this loop of heaviness and lightness in head? +Is this common? +Is it serious? +Any tips or advice or experience?",Stress +48571,"How to cope with stress when you barely know what causes it M16 I have been feeling like stressed and anxious lately for not really a any huge reason probably cus I have started looking after stuff that is wrong with me like my looks, personality hair and anything at al after my recent breakup how do I fix this? I have started going to the gym like six times per weeks and that helps me get my mind of thighs while I’m there and after when I get home or in school I feel incredibly stressed and anxious.",Stress +48572,low back quastion does anyone have low back pain on the left side that extends to the lower lower abdomen on the left,Stress +48573,Living here I’m stressed about my living situation. It’s hard. Being in a new city is harder. I’m not a self motivator.,Stress +48574,"Do you think you can be stressed/anxious and not notice? I'm talking more in a chronic sense. I've had anxiety for about 12 years now. Past 8 months have been the worst in my life, second only to being abused as a kid. + +I started having panic attacks that woke me up in the night (for no reason, like this was before the hell time) and then got diagnosed with GERD within the same month. Developed hypochondria. Had to move to a massive uni to get the degree I wanted, but I was sick and exhausted and working and struggled to make friends. So im alone all the time. And there's always something that's wrong. I had low grade good poisoning for weeks because I didn't notice a fridge issue. I got an ear infection. I still have pretty persistent vertigo, though it was getting better until I got a cold during my finals, of all times. + +And that's not factoring in the handful of deeply personal shit thats happened that I'm not going to blast all over the internet. + +I'm seeing a therapist. I'm not on medication because it scares me, and my psychiatrist agreed that it wasn't for the best, at least right now. + +I've developed fun little heart palpitations. They're terrifying. + +I'm wondering if im under such a high level of stress all the time that it's begun to just feel normal. Like I dont know what to do to ""calm down and relieve stress"" because to me, a good day is a day where I avoid a breakdown. + +I'd ask my therapist but im on holiday and can't see her until January. I'll probably ask her anyways but still.",Stress +48575,"NYU Langone Social Anxiety Research Study Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +48576,I found the solution to your stress at last! https://youtu.be/xbT9fyTc4Io,Stress +48577,"Constant stress about having a career Is it so bad that I just wanna be a SAHM. My parents are constantly asking me when I will get an accountant certification or degree, especially since I am 20. My aunts and uncles constantly ask me when I will start working because they say that one person working will be difficult if we try to save up money. Sometimes I feel like my peers look down on me for having a kid at a young age. I’m constantly being told that I have to get some of education, which I am but it’s not something that you can earn quickly. I am already struggling with my grades. Is it so bad that I am chilling at home for a bit and continuing my education at a slower pace. My childhood wasn’t the best and when I left home I had felt a weight come off of me. (I was a second mom for my five siblings) +My kid does not stress me like the outside world does.",Stress +48578,"Stomach pain Anybody else get horrible stomach/chest pain for days on end when immense stress is in your life? + +It's finals, and last year I had the same exact issue during finals. Stomach pain. I can only assume that it's bad heartburn ... I feel bloated like a dead animal in the blazing heat. Feels like a big sharp iron bit of metal is in there twisting and pulling at my organs + +It's impossible to move or eat and last time I went to the Dr about it they put me on an anti acid and sent me home + +I hope it's just stress, does anybody else get this???",Stress +48579,"I feel so alone with my problems. Rant. + +Everyone talks to me about their problems bc I'm ""a good listener."" But I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Then I get angry and frustrated with myself for feeling alone because there are people in my life. I don't lean on them because I'm afraid they can't handle it or that leaning on them will inevitably make my life harder. + +I live with my fiance, but he's had health struggles this year, as well as difficulties at work, so he has leaned on me daily, breaking down and panicking before work, calling me for 30-90 minutes a few times a week while I'm at work, breaking down when he gets home from work...after about 20 minutes each time I get overwhelmed and frustrated, but I signal anger. Then he says he feels like he has no support, so I feel like my efforts are wasted. + +I have my own problems. But I shove them down and go to work, clean the house, make dinner, basically do the things that need to be done every day. I shoulder the mental load in our household. + +My blood pressure has spiked the past few months. I've had a rash on my face for 2 months. I see doctors weekly for migraines and chronic back pain. My parents don't call me, my 2 closest friends both underwent cancer treatments this year, and my fiance is overwhelmed. I work from home, so my fiance is the only person I see each day. + +I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Rant over. Back to work.",Stress +48580,"exam stress i’m just looking for some words of kindness or experience here + +so i’m in grade 12 but i’m also doing a dual credit program so i have a lot on my plate. it’s also sick season so i’ve been off and on sick, i’ve had chem tests or la essays or assignments everyday and my dual credit exam is tomorrow. it’s a huge test and worth maybe 200 points so i’m terrified because i’ve never done such a large test in my life. i haven’t been able to write review notes (the exam is open book) because i’ve had to prioritize everything else. i plan on waking up at 4:00am tomorrow morning and i’ve already done 4 or so hours of studying. i’m super scared and feel over the top stressed.",Stress +48581,"I need help deciding I recently had an interview with an job and it went well. however, my grandma just recently got released from the hospital and I been told I should be a care worker for her since she relay on me the most. I can't really do two at once and I'm already busy most of the time. Idk if I really wanna do the job. + +What should I do?",Stress +48582,"What's the hardest part about staying positive? Hey reddit, I’m working on a project and am curious everyone’s thoughts. What's the hardest about **staying positive** when nothing seems to be going your way?",Stress +48583,"Canker sores around finals season Hello all; I'm a university student in my fourth year. Every time finals season rolls around, I find myself getting terrible canker sores (probably as a result of the stress, but it doesn't help that I need to drink energy drinks by the gallon in order to get the right amount of studying in). They're distracting and bothersome. Any tips on how to alleviate this?",Stress +48584,"How to fight PCOS with diet and nutrition? PCOS is described by one study as low-level chronic inflammation. Adding anti-inflammatory foods to your diet can help ease your symptoms. Consider the Mediterranean diet as an option. Olive oil, tomatoes, leafy greens, fatty fish like mackerel and tuna, and tree nuts all fight inflammation. fruits good for pcos will help to cure. + +[https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod](https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod)",Stress +48585,"Do you ever feel like anxiety and depression are a never-ending battle that you can't seem to win? Here are some ways to treat anxiety and depression! + +[https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression](https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression)",Stress +48586,Is it normal to feel a gurgling in your chest specifically the left side. All my family keeps telling me oh it’s acid reflux it’s your anxiety but even when I don’t have my anxiety it happens.,Stress +48587,"Lets lose the fears + +Fear is a normal emotion that every human experiences when faced with physical or emotional threats. When a child rides a bicycle for the first time or when a fresher attends an interview or people go on a roller coaster, we are facing the fear of uncertainty. But when these emotions become intense or prolonged disturbing our thoughts and actions, it becomes anxiety. Then we need to take steps to overcome it. [Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/13/5-ways-to-overcome-fear-of-change/)",Stress +48588,"Currently Enrolling Research Studies for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and/or Panic Disorder “Optimizing Exercise for the Treatment of Anxiety” + +The purpose of this study is to learn about the effects of different exercise regimens on anxiety and exercise engagement and adherence. If you are eligible for this study, you will complete a 2-month exercise intervention and 2 follow-up assessments (total duration 5-6 months). The exercise intervention will either include low intensity exercise only or a titration program in which you will start at low intensity exercise and work your way up to high intensity exercise. We also provide treatment referrals. + +**Key Eligibility Criteria:** + +* Adults ages 18 – 65 who have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and/or panic disorder +* Currently sedentary + +\* Your information will remain private. + +\* You will receive compensation for your time. + +To learn more about the study and to see if it is something you would be interested in and a good fit for, please fill out the following survey: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN)",Stress +48589,"Massive chronic distres - psychomedical treatment Hi, I'm diagnosed with massive chronic distress. I perceive it to be the primary cause of my problems. For example, chronic distress leads to an inability to concentrate, which leads to poor work performance, which leads to anxiety, etc. + +&#x200B; + +Unable to address this without medication, I wanted to ask if there is a psychomedical treatment that targets this problem.",Stress +48590,"Why am I so stressed about my future? I’m 17 years old and lately I feel stressed about my future/career and I don’t know which path should i choose. I’m in 11th grade and I have one more year to choose what should I do to not confuse myself in the future and to go to the college that I want, because if I don’t choose at the right time, I will not know in what college should I go. All of my friends have some idea what they will do with their future and I just sit there and only think about my future. And I don’t know if I’m going to be happy in the future with the choice I will make.",Stress +48591,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety + +**Do you worry a lot?** + +You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, + +Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be + +randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based + +Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in + +this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month + +follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education + +classes. + +Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are + +interested in this study, please fill out the following form: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM)",Stress +48592,,Stress +48593,"Stressed or what? 39M (Sweden), 177 cm, 90 kg + +Hey! Ok, I ask you to read below and try to put yourself in my situation. + +2021-04-13: +Long story short. Had been suffering from a long-lasting cough (5-6 weeks) and sought care. The doctor heard something on the left lung and sent me for an urgent x-ray the same day. I was terrified and thought I had lung cancer. I was nervous and scared to death until I got my test results back. It showed nothing but I recovered a few days later. + +2021-09-14: +My wife found a liver spot/mole on my back that looked weird. This after I had complained of itching in that place 1-2 months earlier. Thought it was skin cancer and was nervous and scared to death for several weeks before I received an answer that there was no danger. The mole didn't look ""bad"" so they didn't do anything about it. + +2021-10-07: +My wife finds a lump on the right shoulder blade, size approx. 1x1 cm. It can be moved but feels strange somehow. Immediately becomes completely convinced that this is also a cancerous tumor. Either the skin cancer has spread or it is a sarcoma (soft tissue cancer that can feel exactly like a fatty lump). Once again, I became very nervous, stressed and scared to death. I sought care and was able to see a reputable doctor who informed me that it was a lipoma. When he was about to take it away, he says he can't find it. I imagined he saw it and it wasn't a lipoma. He said something to the other doctor and I didn't really understand where. He you catch me again and the lump is still there. Instead, he sends me for an urgent MR X-ray and here I am completely destroyed. I take him as if he has seen something that makes him not dare to cut me. I lie at home and shake for several days and have such fear of death that it is completely sick. I end up trying to go into that X-ray tunnel but it doesn't work. Tries 3-4 times but I just lie there and cry because I'm afraid of what the x-ray will show. Here I am completely convinced that it is cancer of some kind. I had to cancel everything and today the lump is still there. The doctor called me 3 weeks later and said he was 100% sure it was a lipoma and that it can stay on my body without doing any harm. So, I still have it and I'm alive. + +During this course of ""diseases"" I get hemorrhoids and start having stomach problems. I still have huge problems with my stomach (heartburn, acid regurgitation, irregular stools, stomach pain, stomach cramps, etc.). + +I'm simply wondering if this could be the result of some kind of stress, nervousness, panic disorder, death anxiety over an extended period of time? + +Note: I have never before had ""problems"" with my stomach (that I know of) but after the above events it is in total revolt. + +Please write a line or two what you think. + +Sorry for a long post, but it's important and nice for me to write a little. + +Thanks!",Stress +48594,Move and Still Healing Podcasts To Listen To For Self-Care [https://movexstill.com/healing-podcast](https://movexstill.com/healing-podcast),Stress +48595,"I cant stop feeling this way I still feel suicidal. The feeling is/was supposed to go away! + +I don’t know why I feel this way but i just feel dead inside! For most of the day, all i can think about is killing myself. I feel physically and mentally TIRED. + +It feels like I’m SUPPOSED to die soon. Thats the only way i can describe it.",Stress +48596,"Stressed about schoolwork I have pretty nice teachers except for one. She's really strict and gives way more work than the rest. This wouldn't be a problem, except she teaches three of my main classes. I have a upcoming group project due this Monday, and so far, I'm not even halfways done. I'm always stressed about her classes, and I can't enjoy anything because my stomach always hurts from the stress. Is there anything I can do to make my situation better?",Stress +48597,A simple guide on how to manage stress at work [https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work](https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work),Stress +48598,"done. nobody is gonna respond to this anyway so .. lol whatever. + +i’m 27 and have 12 siblings, im in school and i live with 10 people right now. i’m disrespected, not listened to, taken advantage of. i do my laundry on my laundry days and my siblings go into my personal affairs, im missing clothing and people constantly go into my room… i’ve been done for a minute and ive checked out mentally because of it. i am grateful i have a job. but i dislike it… i work at cvs part time and its hell, true definition! i have to do everything because they won’t hire more people. not to mention the awful customers. i try to stay positive, God knows i do but i want to be on my own so bad. I can’t! everything is expensive 1200+ !!! and im still in school, i can’t move too far because of the commute. but at home it’s always bickering, yelling, poop in the toilets bc people won’t flush, dirty house.. im so sad about this and it’s causing me to turn into a depressive episode. idk what to do. i love myself enough to not harm myself but i hate the feeling of being stuck and stressed and disrespected! i know the past doesn’t exist but i wish i could’ve went to school earlier and rebelled against my father and went to culinary school anyway!!!! my room is a cluttered mess because i cannot put my things upstairs because my siblings get into it so my pots and pans and even food is my room like IM OVER IT!!! + + +edit: yk what… i came here looking for help or another insight but y’all are just rude so never mind.",Stress +48599,"Stress Cravings But not hungry So i’m a last year high school student, and have a history of mental health issues however i have almost fully learnt to adapt and work with it, so it’s not a huge problem anymore. I work really hard in school so i’m always a certain leaves of stressed with that. But on top of it me and my best friend are in a complicated stand still with each other. This leading me to feel ill with anxiety today and so I didn’t eat much because i’m not hungry. However now i’m craving lots of sugar and I don’t know what to do.",Stress +48600,Trying to learn new stuff and learning is really stressful I'm trying to learn blender and unity and Lua and it's really stressful when you can't figure something out. Any suggestion how to overcome it?,Stress +48601,"University Stress I’ve been applying to multiple universities and I’m always thinking about whether I’m going to get accepted or not. My parents want me to get accepted to a specific university. I still have lots of school and university work and it’s all piling up. Even though the deadline for university applications are in mid January, I’m still stressed and keep thinking I passed the deadline",Stress +48602,This is an Interesting Article on how Apple Watches can Cause Stress - Worth the Read [https://medium.com/@iakelley/knowing-too-much-1367e555fd16](https://medium.com/@iakelley/knowing-too-much-1367e555fd16),Stress +48603,"Stress making doing anything difficult I have to write an essay, on top of studying for a finals, and I feel like so overwhelmed with stress I can't focus. + +I came to campus to work, and I wasted the first couple hours. Tried to sit down to work, got like a few things written down and wasted more time. And then I started getting a headache. So figured maybe I was hungry because I have been drinking water(and I'm on Concerta which suppresses appetite) so I went and ate and now I feel sick to my stomach and I have a headache. Fun times. + +I don't really know what to do because I tried all my techniques for working and I need this done ASAP but I'm making no progress.",Stress +48604,Feeling overwhelmed with work and life? Here's how to manage stress at work! [https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work](https://movexstill.com/blog/how-to-manage-stress-at-work),Stress +48605,"Math grade Just got my heavy assessment back today, got an F on it. I studied real hard for math, but I still failed. I really feel like I’m a moron, and I just checked my grade, it went from B to D+. Sometimes I wonder if my dream about the future is realistic or not. I feel like I have no motivation to be productive again. I really don’t want to fail my parents and my dreams, but my grades just stress me out so much. I need a good grade for this semester or idk where I will end up in in the future. Any advice on how I should get myself together again?",Stress +48606,"I'm not able to sleep I took so much stress + +That + +I wanted to pull an all nighter + +I decided to just lie down before getting to work but I know I would sleep so + +Now I kept an alarm and kept at 1am and kept it snoozing. I snoozed it till 4am + +Now that snooze was enough for me to realize I need sleep so I now decided to sleep + +When I decided to sleep my head started aching like really bad headache forced me to wake up + +And now I'm wide awake wanting to sleep + +Help. I take so much stress + +I end up doing no work + +I procrastinate and end of the day have put my self in this rabbithole of tiredness",Stress +48607,"It's better, Just say NO! Your Words Matter. Yes! We have often heard people saying that negative words can negatively affect one-self and surroundings in the long run. While we try to exercise and use encouraging words, there may be situations, where a simple NO can have a powerful impact on self-development......[continue reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/05/how-to-say-no/)",Stress +48608,"Looking for techniques to help with stress I am aware of the common things like exercise, meditation, breathing exercises. These don’t seem to help me enough and I’m curious if there was something someone tried and maybe were surprised it helped their stress. Thanks so much in advance.",Stress +48609,"is nighttime nausea from stress?? Recently i have been getting nauseous/ headaches mostly like around my neck and +I really hope its just. Stress +I feel so gross right now i hate it +Please someone answer im begging",Stress +48610,"How do i stop constantly looking for academic validation? For context I’m a 21F in college with hopes of going to nursing school. Since I was young I’ve always been driven by my academics because if I wasn’t the prettiest in school, I definitely wanted to be the smartest. Essentially, i had one bad semester two years ago almost while being in college (parents were edging a divorce) and ive been paying the price since. It was the lowest my gpa had ever been and because of it i couldnt apply to nursing school when I wanted to- and it absolutely crushed me. So, i drove myself even more into my academics so much so to where i have panic attacks when it comes to my grades. In simple, today was a bad day mentally. On top of school, I work two jobs as a CNA and pharmacy technician. In the mornings, I’m at the senior living facility, in the afternoons I’m in class and in the evenings im at the pharmacy. I feel like my body is addicted to stress and its finally crashing and i feel awful even considering submitting this one assignment late and risking a point deduction. Ive emailed my professor about it all and he hasnt gotten back to me but i cant pull myself to do this assignment. I feel lazy and i dont know what to do.",Stress +48611,Trying to improve my life So I'm 33 and I'll be 34 in March. Right now I'm working at McDonald's but I'm having issues with scheduling so I'm looking for another job. I do have an AAS but I never used it so I'm tryna get back into school or into a certification program but I don't wanna end up in debt. I keep wondering where I'll end up cuz I do wanna move but I don't drive so I'm tryna get an ebike but I still wanna move out of this city (I'm in Ohio) I just keep wondering if I can get ahead in life. I know I'm taking the right steps by working and thinking of school but it's still stressful cuz I'm tryna think ahead but maybe I'm thinking too much about it 😔 anybody else feel like this?,Stress +48612,"Feel like I messed up everything Stress caused accelerated aging in my body, my mind is completely broken, always have headaches. It's all my fault over nothing, could have stopped it or taken medication or something.",Stress +48613,"A weird transition Ok, so this post is real and I'm not making up everything. I've kept it in my mind all day long and I've gotten desperate enough to reach out for help (on the Internet, at least). + + + +On Friday, I went through a highly stressful event, and endured lots of stress, build up of hormones etc. This acute stress I went through, benefited me! The next day I felt energetic, happy, and overall in good shape. Heck, even my short term memory improved! I started remembering things much more clearly and openly. I learnt a lot that day, and was really surprised by my performance. + + + +The next day, another stressful event occurred.. an acute one aswell. This was *not* pleasant, at all. Endured lots of stress, build up of hormones.. etc :/ why does this happen to me? + + +Unfortunately, as you'd expect..my situation went downhill *fast*. I started forgetting things, winded up in a depressed mood..found 0 interest in things I enjoyed.. etc..my memory also became worse. :( + + +(I also experienced a horrible nightmare today too, and slept 12 hours, which is COMPLETELY abnormal). + + +So now that I've hid this up in my mind for 1 day, I'd like to speak out. I need answers. What is happening here? What happened to me and my brain? Will I ever recover/be happy and will my memory improve like that last time? Please help. I'm leaving this all on you Reddit...",Stress +48614,"Overwhelmed and Exhausted I’ve been struggling recently with stress and anxiety about life in general. I’m having constant headaches and migraines, I’m not sleeping well, I’m overeating… + +I’m 21 years old and I’m already feeling burnt out and ready to give up. I work a full time job and go to school part time. I just moved out of my parents house 2 months ago and got an apartment with my boyfriend. I get stuck doing majority of the housework like laundry, dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. My dad works all day long and my mom doesn’t drive so Im constantly driving my mom and my younger siblings every where. + +I work 6:30am-3pm and I usually don’t even get to sit and relax until 7pm, then Im going to bed by 8pm but i’m not falling asleep until midnight and Im up on and off all throughout the night. + +Im barely making enough money to pay my bills, and Im also the family bank to my mom and dad. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind helping them out but they’re constantly asking to borrow money and 9 times out of 10 I don’t get it back. + +I’m just so tired and sick of everyone laying their shit on me but then not being able to ask anyone for help.",Stress +48615,"Wondering if I’m living in a coma 2 months ago I had a terrible fall resulting in a broken shoulder that hopefully will make a full recovery. Nerve is bruised so it’s a fairly useless arm at the moment. + +Life has been strange being off work and at home. I can’t drive for now. Family has been visiting and helping drive me around for errands and appointments. most friends are settling down with a family, have moved, or are career focused etc. so I haven’t seen anyone except a best friend. Everything else has been distant communication like the odd text here and there (when it’s external of family and the best friend, that is). + +It’s miraculous I didn’t hit my head. In fact it kind of puzzles me, but I was blacked out drunk (working on recovery now). + +It dawned on me that maybe my existence for the past 2 months has been in a coma. That I’m in a hospital bed on life support; surrounded by family; experiences with family are my mind manifesting their conversations they have around me. + +Everything is just a manifestation of my mind but I’m actually in a coma. + +I’m weirded out and there are several triggers that cause me to second guess myself. + +Edit: some of the triggers I mean include that groceries is symbolism for nutrients/IV time, my parents visiting in life are just visiting me in a hospital, friends who I no longer speak with recently have actually said their good byes; an ex lover I always thought about getting back together with finally blocked me out after 4 years - I got disconnected. + +Right now my friends and family are gone, family is on a trip at the moment. That may be symbolism that they too, have left. For now or ever I’m unsure. + +I recently started talking a lot more with one of my brothers - but were talking about old video games and nostalgia. Everything I know about him in the present has sort of been static. + +That’s one way to say it. Things appear to progress but it turns out to be static; no change happened that was perceived to be",Stress +48616,"I don't know what to do anymore My mom throw out my things and I have a lot to do next week in school. I have a lot to submit and homeworks. I need to do a research paper, movie review, physics assignment, performance task, thesis defense and she just throws out my things. Threatens me to leave the house. Don't stay in the house. Don't eat. Basically don't live as well. Or just go to my friends house. I don't have those.",Stress +48617,"FCK CAN I GET A FCKINF BREAK HOLY SHT Okay well. Every time I get a job a get sick. My immune system hates stress and work stresses me out. No matter how easy it is. I hate having my life controlled by capitalism yata yata yata. My thing is I need to SLEEP. I’m going to buy weed, ashwaganda, and magnesium, and cherry juice to fcking sort this out. I also can’t get a good sleep cus I live with my mom. Jesus Christ we hate each other and it’s actually awful breathing the same air as her. I want to move into my grandmas house but my cousins aren’t as welcoming. I just bruh and I’m still enrolled in college even though I haven’t gone in months. I genuinely hate life and I just don’t know bro I can’t live any more with this torture",Stress +48618,"Stressed about careers Starting to stress out cuz I can't decide what career is best for me. I made another post before this but idk, I kinda feel like I'm wasting my time trying to get ahead 😢",Stress +48619,Regulate your nervous system https://youtu.be/_hpDMqg0Rh8,Stress +48620,"Feeling Overwhelmed? It takes more to overwhelm some people than others, but the feeling and the impact are the same: overload and not knowing which way to turn next which triggers a downward spiral of anxiety. + +### Take these steps to create a plan and go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling peaceful again: + +**Identify what you can and can’t control.** List your issues in three columns: what you can control, what you can influence and what is out-with your control. + +**Focus on solutions.** Now that you have perspective on what you can and can’t control, identify your chosen end point for each issue. Shift your focus from the problems to the solutions. + +**Prioritise your actions.** Consider your chosen solutions in terms of how important they are and how urgent they are. Firstly, deal with the issues that are both important and urgent then move to the other important issues. As a general rule, deal with the important issues over the urgent issues: here-in lies the path to living sustainably crisis free. + +**Communicate.** With your plan in place, communicate with those who may be affected: it’s incredible how supportive people can be once they understand your situation. + +**Eat well.** Overwhelm commonly leads to skipping meals or over-reliance on junk food. Buy in some healthy foods and snacks to give you the nutrition you’ll need to play your best game. + +**Gratitude.** It is easy to lose sight of the good things happening when we feel overwhelmed. Adopt the habit of regularly reflecting on the things you’re grateful for: that you’re taking control of challenging situations, that you’re on your way to calmer times, that you’re learning a lot about yourself, perhaps that others are supporting you. + +**Blow off some steam.** Exercise – whatever works best for you: a brisk walk, hit the weights, an hour on the bike – has a magical ability to burn off that anxiety and re-set all those neurotransmitters. It will also help you get that good night’s sleep. + +**Get your rest.** Know that you’re focusing on your priorities with a clear plan. You’re pushing yourself hard through the day. A good night’s sleep is the smartest thing you can give yourself to keep working through your list. + +**Celebrate your successes.** Each step forward is worthy of celebration. Be proud of yourself for taking control and moving forward. Each success leads to further steps forward. + + +**Overwhelm is a situation everyone is familiar with. Short term episodes are unlikely to harm us. Longer term however, it can be debilitating. Remember there is help out there for those times you need support in getting back on top of things.**",Stress +48621,"wakeup by someone who suddenly mad. i wonder how a person reacts at suddenly wake up by get mad and angry for unreasonable things from a person. things that not making sense to be mad about. a narcissistic person that not going to tolerate with whatever you say and do. + +i wonder how normal human reacts. you just take a little nap. and suddenly your peaceful moments ruined by the person.. like a drunk person..",Stress +48622,"I feel like I'm becoming too sensitive.. or that I'm offended by everything. Wasnt surrounded by very nice people nice places or nice things. For the most part growing up I feel like I had some pretty thick skin... then as time went by and life took its toll on me, the stress anxiety and depression happened to wear me down. + +I don't feel like I have a hard shell like I used to. Almost everything people tell me I feel like rubs off the wrong way; whether they mean it or not. I can take a joke but when it comes to general comments or statements I possibly overthink and get upset over it. At the time I wanna give a smart remark but hold myself back often.. Can there be an underlying issue? Possibly the result of trauma",Stress +48623,"more of a issue on my end. When I get stressed from losing stuff, things not going my way which should(like my stuff, someone moving it, not life, that shi hard) and stuff that just freaks me out. I had a game that I played for a while called One Piece Bounty rush, I know a stupid anime game. For me I was in love with it. I had hours in it and spent a decent amount of money. As you know get bored delete and redownload. Before anyone says I did the transfer code thing, where I get my ID and a password to log back in. I saw my brother playing today and I missed the game, redownloaded and tried logging in. As now many games are facebook, or Google I'd. I clicked both and they gave me error. Bout a hour in it showed no link to a account. I had a panic attack, all my time, my money, gone. I had a habit of emailing myself the codes and I found it. But it was as they said ""expired"". They won't give me my game back. I was trying their support and they asked me over specific questions like when I started exactly like time too, and when I last logged in. And my level, how many in game currency I had, even the cola which was when you maxed out a character and got a extra. They said the would email in 7-14 business days. I feel as if I will never get it. So I am hoping right now to just forget about it because it is making me feel like he'll right now. Thanks for listening",Stress +48624,"I have an extremely bad habit of holding my breath. Almost everyone now and then I would hold my breath instead of exhale without even noticing. I think I've had this habit for a while and weirdly only noticed it recently. + +It has also woken me up to the fact that I'm suffering from stress. And also subsequently suffering from hair loss. + +Looking for anyone that can relate or has advice.",Stress +48625,"Extremely tired after nervous system has calmed down? Hello. + +I have had stress symptoms for almost a year. 2 months ago it started getting real bad. I couldn’t eat or sleep. +A month ago I went on sick leave from work. + +My nervous system has finally seemed to calm down this past week, and my restlessness has been replaced by increasing tiredness. I started being able to eat properly and sleep properly most night this past week. Today I have been ridiculously tired though. + +Woke up at 7 am, fell back asleep, slept till 10:30, felt like sleeping more but got up. Now it’s 18:45 and I feel like going to bed. +Is that normal?? +My recent bloodwork looks normal, though my vitamin d is a tad too low (we’re talking 0.1 too low) and a protein is too low too (also 0.1 too low). The last one is because of my hernia causing me not being able to eat enough.",Stress +48626,"Stressed out having trouble coming down from it I run a medium sized company and we are very successful. But I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks, and my body doesn’t handle a lot of stress well. It may be the thing that removes me from the position I’m currently in. + +The desk job and stress has not been kind to my body. + +I bought some noise cancelling headphones to use during stressful times and will see if it helps when I want to sort of meditate while at work. + +Does anyone have any tips?",Stress +48627,Are you feeling overwhelmed? Here's How to Eliminate The Feeling of Overwhelm [https://movexstill.com/blog/feeling-overwhelmed-here-are-4-simple-steps-to-eliminate-overwhelm](https://movexstill.com/blog/feeling-overwhelmed-here-are-4-simple-steps-to-eliminate-overwhelm),Stress +48628,"Meditation to Ease the Stress of Sadness Find relief from a heavy heart, which can trigger stress and racing thoughts. This [guided meditation](https://youtu.be/qVZNh6d7tnI)will help you explore the emotion of sadness in the hopes that you can learn from it and let it go.",Stress +48629,,Stress +48630,,Stress +48631,Simple stress relief meditation 15 minutes to soothe the stress and anxiety from your day. [Guided meditation](https://youtu.be/sLIfnYWj8rU) to help calm and balance your mind.,Stress +48632,"Is this all life is supposed to be? I know life is supposed to be difficult. I know stressful things can happen, and that most of us learn how to cope in a healthy way. Eating right and exercising are supposed to make us healthy and happy, both physically and mentally. We're supposed to have hobbies (beginner at knitting) to keep us occupied and to do our duties, which manifests in the job that I do almost every day. We need to have a network of support from friends and family. Life isn't just what happens to you, it's how you react to it. That's what I tell myself. + +Yet it seems that life, or at least my life, is just one stressful event after another. Be it getting rear-ended and struggling with insurance for a few months, a single parent's boyfriend showing up who stresses you out for the next few, transferring from one branch to another in your job, looming deadlines, and the knowledge that you have to eat healthily and sleep at least 8 hours a night or you're going to get sick...etc. etc. etc. Many times I'm happy and I catch myself wondering when the next bad thing is going to happen. WITHOUT FAIL, it does. I deal with it successfully, and it's on to the next one! Over and over and over again, catching moments of pleasure and peace in between. It's not a very good comparison, but it's kind of like Dark Souls, where you die your way through instead of playing your way through. + +I'm slowly being chipped away at. I've built an extraordinarily healthy way of living, but it seems at this point that it's just a tower I've built over a foundation under continuous assault by the elements that I'm constantly repairing. + +I've been tired. So tired. It's like I died a long time ago, and I'm only 23. I know everybody deals with constant stressors, so is everyone secretly feeling this way? Is it all drowned in alcohol? drugs? Religion? Are we supposed to naturally numb ourselves with age? This can't be all that life is! + +My grandfather eats junk food. He stands or sits around for most of the day and sometimes he goes for a walk before coming home and eating. He's been through the Vietnam war and lost almost everything. Despite sleep apnea, cancer, a fat-rich diet, and falling once, he's still thriving in his eighties. No one gets to that point unless they've got it all figured out inside. + +There's something obvious I'm missing, something that appears to make all the difference. I don't think a girlfriend will fix this, nor will any big purchases or materialism. Ideally, I'd have a life of inner peace and contentment, filled with steady but peaceful determination. Otherwise, life has no meaning to it.",Stress +48633,Any good book recommendations To manage stress. Thanks,Stress +48634,"Thought I was going crazy. Stress and anxiety. Two months ago I felt numbness in half my body, from head to toes. Thought I was having a seizure, doctor said it was stress. + +Started taking the pills I was prescribed, and slowly started to feel better. Then anxiety hits. +I was fearing for my life, I felt I had a tumor on my brain after Googling symptoms (dumb on my part), I was having hallucinations on my sleep; to this day I still feel creeped out when I get all those stress sensations. + +I guess being so uncertain about stress might be the cause of my psyche hurting. Idk.",Stress +48635,How Meditation helps in managing stress [https://movexstill.com/blog/understanding-the-benefits-of-meditation](https://movexstill.com/blog/understanding-the-benefits-of-meditation),Stress +48636,"What happens in the body when people stress out? What happens in the body when people stress out and begin itching everywhere, have a heartburn or sore throat or whatever? What causes those symptoms? Cortisol, histamine or what else?",Stress +48637,"Stressing out over documenting my own updates from minute things. Earlier today I had an eye appointment after what feels like a year and throughout the time I would supposedly have my watch recording so I could listen back to it later on. Unfortunately just after I was done, I found that the thing DIDN’T record anything at all, even though I was sure I pressed the record button on it! + +Now I’ve spent the majority of the day stressed out at the fact that I had to rely on my memory to try to replay what my eye doctor’s informed me of when my mind’s already on too many things to begin with! + +I mean I know it’s supposed to be mundane and something to forget about as the days go one, not to mention how much my own mother kept in telling me to let such things go and not focus too much on it…. But I’ve just started taken a habit of recording important things that went on this week and me not checking to see if my watch was not recording really took a blow on what was supposed to be a good enough day today! + +I mean I had my lucky necklace and everything to signify that being the case! It’s not supposed to be the opposite of that!",Stress +48638,"chronic stress caused by mom I feel like there is no solution, but perhaps someone here can share some insights... + +This is the 9th year I will be living with my mom. I never thought it would be almost a decade!! + +She stresses me out like no one else can. And that is not only wanting to do every little thing for me, but also affording me ver little privacy. + +Also, I am never ever just relaxing. This is probably the reason my shoulders and neck are stiff as a plank, my weight doesn't go down, always tired, always on the verge of tears, and a few other minor health issues (let's hope they don't become bigger issues!) + +I want to move out but finance does not allow it. + +I gym 3 to 4 times a week, try to eat healthy, sleep 8 hours, take a stack of supplements, but find no joy in hobbies or socializing (mostly because when I get back home she looks at me with doe eyes because why did I go off without her) + +I often play with my budget to see when/if I can move out, but so far no luck. + +I am looking into side hustles, but the tiredness, tears, lackluster makes it difficult to focus. + +Something must happen now! I also don't date for the same reasons as above.",Stress +48639,"Constant stress Ok so normally I am a very stressed person, like I'm constantly on edge, biting my nails, and when I finish biting my nails, I bite some of the skin off in the area. I never really thought about it too much until I just looked at my hands and I noticed how bad it was. So I took a day off to relax and spend the day just making sure to not use my brain too much or do anything particularly stressful, like playing a hard videogame or solving a hard puzzle and it was alright. But here's the problem, now I feel like I can't just go back because every time I try to do something that might need concentration, I can feel my heart just going back to that level of stress and i just can't. Has anyone here been in a situation that can relate to this one? If so, please tell me what you did.",Stress +48640,"Anyone else get reduced stress with mild colds and bugs? I have often noted that physical illness somehow inhibits anxiety and stress. Right now I have a long-term stress situation going on, which won't be resolved quickly. But I just caught a mild bug from a gym session, and frankly all the usual stressors now feel kind of either switched off or dormant, while the mild illness dominates. Does anyone else experience this?",Stress +48641,,Stress +48642,"I got extremely stressed in workplace and home. To speak I live in South East Asia, where work is long hours and pay is only enough to try to survive a month. + +I have been managing my stress with family issues too so everything is a bit of a mishmash as I am angrily typing this down. And autism doesn't help with my stress management either. + +I had been working in a shitty workplace. The pay ain't bad but to deal with my boss terrible management and temperament which makes his employee turnover rate is so high .People would stay around for a week up to 3-4 months, with the group chat kept having people leave and join. As of now there are around 15 people who have come and gone which I seen since the first day I joined and worked here up until now. I heard that this business has been running for 4-5 years now but from what I seen is almost like an enterprenuerial business with no idea and direction they wanted to do as they have tutoring, selling board games/blind boxes and even large figurine tradings, throwing menial tasks at every employee with focus on trying to get more employees to join. I worked around 11-12 hours on average so it makes me stressed at first. + +Then a few days ago when I got home from work (around 11pm almost midnight) my dad called me in to have a talk with him, then he explains that he's worried about my health and my body health. At first I didn't think about it much. Me and my father didn't go well for a long time so I think of it more as of a warning, however it turned to make me angry and stressed as he simulate what will happen to me by imagining if I were turned into a disabled person and unable to move at all, with me still able to talk. I got so stressed and tired enough that I didn't get enough sleep after I finally got to excuse myself. + +And comes up to today as I had enough with today as I tend after their store and I was a little loopy, I looked like I was sleeping when I'm actually trying to stay awake. The owner called me that he's been watching me sleeping for 15 minutes and he's going to cut my pay. Then he ordered me to go to wash my face. i did before coming back, so angry and annoyed that I slapped the store's security camera, HARD. Luckily it didn't break just the camera cable disconnected so it's an easy fix. So I just called the manager and told them that the camera accidentally fell to the ground and broke, saying that it worked fine after I reassembled it. I was a little panicked but a little less stressful from that. + +Sorry it's more of a rant post, but I do need help managing my own stress and it just came up almost everyday. How do I do it? I felt like I could explode at any point right now.",Stress +48643,"Does it all just pile on for you Nothing seems to get filed away it all just buzzes around in my head. + +Hear about how Climate change can't be stopped? It's on the pile. I've got a presentation to give in a week that I'm anxious about. It's on the pile. Have a strange symptom that may be something serious. It's on the pile. + +It feels like I'm full to burst with stressful things and they're all there as if I've got to solve them one by one. It's maddening and extremely bad for cognitive health. Anybody else have a similar experience?",Stress +48644,"It has been very hard recently to Stop thinking about committing suicide. Ive never wanted to commit suicide so bad in my life. I attempted last month and since then I’ve had a really strong urge to off myself. + +Im totally ready and willing. But life has been showing signs of getting better. Idk how to get over the feeling. The feeling of wanting to commit suicide is almost addictive as if death could fulfill the role of the greatest drug known to man. A pure release of peace.",Stress +48645,"Chronic stress with symptoms I have had a few health problems this year. After quite a lot of investigation and tests the doctor is fairly sure it's chronic stress. + +I have dizziness, fatigue and quite a lot of muscle aches/very localised chest pains. I've had some therapy which helped me realise at least that I am so stressed and deal with some of the stresses in my life, but now even at a period of low stress my symptoms have continued. + +Does anyone else have these symptoms and have any hints on how to manage them?",Stress +48646,New here i have some questions hello i am new here i have a problem that i would like answers to i have a number of symptoms which according to the hospital and my doctor is due to stress because nothing is found i also have stress but do not recognize these symptoms from previous heavy periods symptom 1 neck shoulder tension with radiation to under arm and hand symptom. 2 pelvic problems symptom 3 hip problems and of course I'm stressed I worry a lot and am very anxious I especially hope to get an answer to the shoulders neck and arm tension thanks in advance,Stress +48647,meditation? a simple 10 min meditation may comfort [https://youtu.be/c-VOp96-Aus](https://youtu.be/c-VOp96-Aus),Stress +48648,"i'm being negligent at work i've been so negligent with everything in my life. my head feels full. i neglected applying for leave early enough and was called out in front of my entire team (indirectly. my name wasn't mentioned). i'm wondering why i did that?? why did i delay applying for simple leave? i feel so guilty and ashamed, but i also have the feeling that i'm beating myself up too much for it + +though, this isn't an isolated incident. + +i was meant to deliver assets to another team but neglected to double-check if we had all the assets to deliver. instead, i ignored the issue. the team eventually called me out for it. ideally I should've flagged the issue and had them deal with it... but i was just too lazy?? it wasn't even a big deal. nothing arduous, but i got too lazy. what's worse is that I didn't own up to my mistake. + +i feel soooo ashamed, wow. i don't know what's up. i'm slipping lately, in the most tiny, unnecessary ways but it's making me feel so anxious and disappointed in myself. + +what is this?? self-sabotage? negligence? why am i failing in the most unnecessary of circumstances?",Stress +48649,"I am so stressed out over everything in my life (Venting) As the title says I am stressed about everything in my life right now, so first off I work full time (50 hrs a week on average), I am a full time college student, I was recently kicked out and threatened to be taken to court by my own mother, my car is in the shop and has been since September (luckily I finally was able to get a loaner vehicle from the shop), I really hate my job and have been applying to other places (trying to make career change from security to IT) with no luck so far, I am currently living paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford to live on my own (I have no friends or anyone else I can get a place together with), my life has become auto pilot recently (go to work, come home, do school work, repeat the next day) and all this stress has already taken it’s toll on me as I recently became very sick, I had a fever of 104, and I was diagnosed with colitis in the ER, I was severely dehydrated to the point where my kidneys were on the verge of shutting down and I had lost so much blood that I had to receive a unit of blood as well. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like giving up because all this stress is more than one person can handle, I am not suicidal but I just feel like giving up because I just don’t know what to do, I have no one to truly talk to, I have no friends so I’m forced to just deal with the massive amounts of stress myself",Stress +48650,"Creating unneeded stress to myself. Here's a stupid reason for ya. + +Just earlier today, I updated the YouTube app on one of my older iPads for the purpose of trying to screenshot some sort of tutorial for one of the newer features suddenly popping up when I thought it was it on just one of my devices. + +Now because of that action, I'm stressing myself out for no reason because I didn't take the time to screenshot how the app looked beforehand so I could examine whatever differences there were before and after the update. + +I don't have any more devices to try again so I'm just SOL now.",Stress +48651,Conflict Addiction I don’t know if this resonates with anyone else or what but I think I may be addicted to conflict. I don’t know why. Maybe it is due to prolonged chronic stress. Any ideas? I’d like solutions paradoxically.,Stress +48652,"Stress about world war 3 i worry about if there comes a world war 3 with Russia and it gives me stress. +do you think that there comes a world war 3. +or peace soon?",Stress +48653,"Ridiculous things you stress about Today I stressed about giving not perfectly clean glass of water to the technican that came to our house two-three weeks ago. It was my fault that I didn't pay enough attention at that moment, and now this thing keeps haunting me down almost every day for a brief moment 😞. +Anyone else has these silly long-lasting regrets?",Stress +48654,"I feel like I can do much things but I’m not believing in myself and always keep doubting & fears I’m 26 now even tho, I feel I’m lacking confidence and awareness in life. Deep down I know I have the potentional to change my life but my mindset and overthinking makes me want to constantly keep doubting my abilities to take actions. It’s like I’m living my life in fear and regrets. I just don’t know how to get out of the boundaries I’ve created in my head. + +I just want to better myself but I don’t know what steps to take",Stress +48655,,Stress +48656,"I need an advice. Hey guys, can anybody temme what to do about the mind chatter? My mind is not stable. It literally feels as if I have a whole fucking storm or a tornado inside. For eg, I tried meditating as always but recently when I closed My eyes and tried to focus, there were 10 different thoughts battling inside and it really did freak me out and I never meditated after. There's so much and I've got huge goals lined up which I can't miss, the mess in my head could be the worry and rage and dissatisfaction or disappointment regarding my career and my ex boyfriend/ relationship and the related issues. But majority my career. I feel anxious, panicked and heavy really heavy. Please temme what can I do?",Stress +48657,"How can I change my current ( most of my life) situation? I wonder if I’m the only one sometimes going through all this . Anyway I’m a 35 year old male living in Los Angeles working soon will have my own apartment in a few months because of my autism ( though most people don’t know I’m autistic). I have a roommate currently. I am originally from the sf Bay Area and while I loved it there I needed a change . Weather for one thing and LA just seemed so exciting and it is . Anyway I moved here in 2018 and love it . So I’m happy in the city I live in , but I’m not happy with the circumstances of the last two years and instead of looking back I’m trying to look forward and realize my lie isn’t over and boring and useless. First off I used to go the gym and run and eat healthy, and I was in much better shape obviously. Than Covid came my work hours changed and so did my diet along with everything else. I work retail so those who work it or have will know exactly what I’m talking about. So in 2022 I tried to restart by going back to being a vegetarian, forcing myself to go back to the gym etc, but my motivation is just not there yet . I do have a small social life so I’m thankful for that and I am also a photographer as I love all the architecture in this city . But I need more friends my age I’m +Guessing and there just seem to be no women who aren’t partiers or who would let me be myself with them . Or maybe I’m looked at as asexual or unattractive. Anyways I just need something more exciting than just work and home . I wish I had a group o could do things with but of course my schedule makes it tough . + +My dating/sex history: +I was never very good at asking women out even though most of my life I was told I was extremely handsome I’m tall 6”1 blonde hair , brown eyes . I was told I could have modeled when I was younger . Anyway I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 20 which is late but partly because i was shy , just not confident. I had an opportunity to be that girls boyfriend who I lost my virginity to but I just decided I didn’t want a relationship with her , well between 2007 and 2009 I had no heterosexual sex but desired it but was insecure, etc . I’ll admit because I grew up in San Francisco and had gay friends I even experimented with gay men as a way out since I was just not having relationships with women but I realized obviously I was not gay or bi since I didn’t feel attracted to men . Than I’m 2010 I had sex with a drunk cougar and that was one and done . I had a disasterous date with a woman in the mission district in sf and it was horrible. I than tried going to “ cougar bars” with my friend but of course we would never go home with anyone, and it wasn’t my scene anyway. Than in 2012 I met my first girlfriend who was older than me at a class. Funny thing is I liked her immediately and she clearly liked me . We saw the Batman dark knight movie which was our first date in 2012. Well we fucked like crazy so much so that I felt it was a bit much and the non sexual side of our relationship seemed kinda ehhh…. +Well I eventually drove her away and regretted it . And since then I’ve slept with a few older women from 2015-2019. But since Covid I’ve had no sex except masturbation . Partly I still do struggle with being insecure and feeling like Women will never be into me which I know is nonsense of course . But I am now have a strange sense of being torn on one hand I would like to be in a relationship, on the other hand my life is busy enough with work and exploring stuff in LA with my camera . I almost feel like the woman would have to be perfect for me because I feel like maybe my earlier history told me something that I’m just someone who lost their virginity late and because of it maybe it messed me up or maybe I’m better off just with a few friends and my own life . Partly I think I need someone who I can be myself around them without judgment and I’m trying to change . Maybe I’m just to weird or absent minded . I try to work on my confidence and I try to +Fake it till I make it but that can only last so long . I do have confidence issues and while I’m secretive about it deep inside I feel like most women are either judging me or think I’m unattractive , or that I’m gay. + +I guess I need to work on myself . I want to get back into shape , eat healthier, exercise like I used to . Also I use to shave everyday clean shaven and short hair but when Covid came I got lazy. I’m going to try and get myself together and work on myself. I take my medication for depression which helps and I do have a therapist but I can’t see her as much as I’d like . I do have challenges but I always try to work through them + +My issues with sex, relationships, asking women out : +I have often had issues with asking women out , etc. it’s weird maybe I am incel yet I don’t blame my problems on women I blame it all on myself that I’m my own worst enemy. I tend to shoot myself in the foot . It’s weird because I don’t consider myself repressed. I grew up in a liberal household in San Francisco. I also am not a right winger as most incels are . I am liberal . Anyways so most men can ask a woman out with no problem and nothing would faze them . I on the other hand have trouble because I don’t want to make a fool of myself, come off as creepy etc . Good example is there is this customer at work who I like and comes in most everyday . Her and I talk quite a bit when I’m helping her and we smile at each other . And I think she likes me , but probably just being friendly. Two of my colleagues know I like her and always ask “ Have you asked her out yet “ I always give an excuse or that she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me that way. So other guys could just ask a woman out with no issue but not me. Also I’m not at my best right now and want to get back to being healthy and exercise. The funny thing is I can talk to beautiful women because I do every day because I work in Beverly Hills and I can engage and be friendly but on my own I don’t seek out to talk to women because of my own fear as how they view me. The funny thing is I did ask my ex gf out but it wasn’t really a “date asking her out it was more casual and things developed. I just wonder if I can overcome these issues that have been plaguing me for a good chunk of my life . I just sometimes feel I’m cursed .h",Stress +48658,Too Stressed To Sleep I'm too stressed to sleep because of my family relationships. How do you guys get good sleep?,Stress +48659,"I’m thinking too much I think way too deep into SO many things and I can’t get out of it. I’m trying to collect older video games and systems (N64, SNES that kinda stuff) but I’m always thinking like “what if it works fine when I buy it and 2 days later it breaks and I have to get new parts and they have to make new parts with metal and plastic and in the process I am helping to hurt the environment and I’m a bad person for wanting to fix my game cartridge” A STUPID GAME CARTRIDGE IS CAUSING ME STRESS (and it’s not even Superman 64. My apologies trynna make a joke and lighten the mood y’know) I just think I way my actions like I’m trynna get into the good place or something, like I think WAY to deep. I need a bit of help, but thanks for reading.",Stress +48660,,Stress +48661,"fuck i can’t do this anymore i have: +- to apply for university +- deal with an verbally, financially, and occasionally physical abusive father +- recently run away mother +- financial problems +- important exams in a limited amount of time +- classmates bullying and rumors +- really bad anxiety attacks followed by depressive states +- really bad loneliness +- really constant and overbearing insecurities and intrusive thoughts +- 1 friend + +the worst part is if i stop to pause for a second i will fall behind everyone including my classmates. i can’t afford to do that, literally and figuratively. + +please help i literally feel breathless and alone. i have no one and everyone is going further in life and leaving me behind",Stress +48662,"People pleasing sucks I hate when I have this constant need to make other people happy who couldn't give the slightest shit about me. Sometimes I would not be able to sleep or work until I know that they are happy knowing fully well that they won't do the same for me. I seem to feel like if I don't make everyone happy, I deserve all the negative things that come my way.",Stress +48663,"Being a warehouse cleaner sucks. Cant lie i got offered a “office cleaning job” full time, and good pay so i took it. Ive done cleaning since i was 17 and just stuck with it because its easy and most of the time your left alone to just do your job in peace and go home. I’m 21 now and never had a cleaning job like this. So i turn up for my 1st day and was greeted by a woman and a confused looking bloke. She said “firstly have we got safety shoes and a hi vis?” I looked at her confused. “No?” Long story short i was never told to bring either of the things, because like i said i was told it was an office cleaning job, so she gave me a hi vis and some borrowed shoes that were massive on me, which i had to wear for 3 days because again wasnt told i needed safety shoes an i was broke af. She took me into a huge warehouse with different compartments and said this is what ill be cleaning. Along with rooms connected to the warehouse that operate massive machinery making car parts. + +She told this confused bloke that had only been there for a week to show me around, this guy had no clue what he was doing tbh, just pointed at things and told me i had to “empty bins that way”. Later i was then told i had to drive around this fucking monster of a cleaning machine in tight rooms, never had proper training on this thing btw just got told what buttons to press and to just practice. Yeah sure I’ll just practice not crashing a giant machine into stacks of metal cages whilst also dodging death. I have crashed this machine not badly luckily but have definitely been in situations that couldve killed me. The thing that really pissed me off is the fact i was struggling on driving this thing today, the supervisor who was meant to be helping me, didnt want to help me (laughed and shyed away) when i was panicking on the machine cos i couldnt get it through this gap and i didnt want to crash into big metal boxes that couldve fell on me. She got on it and started getting nervous herself being on it and hated driving it just as much as i do, then started mocking how i have to drive it and she doesnt. Keep in mind shes meant to have fucking trained me to use it. + +From tomorrow onwards im going to use a push machine to clean the floors and if they dont like it im leaving because that job is a jobs worth and they dont give a fuck about my safety.",Stress +48664,"I need to talk. Hey I'm almost 18. There's a lot in my plate right now. There's so much in my head too. College, USA, Career, goals, my limits, my scores, expectations, deadlines, procrastination, ngl heartbreak, weak bond with family members, etc. +I really need to vent it. +Anyone down to call maybe on snapchat ???",Stress +48665,"can you be deeply in love with 2 people at the same time? So there's this guy. An ex ss officer. He fell in love with a jewish prisoner in Auschwitz and had a relationship with her. After the war he tried to contact her to be with him, but she wanted nothing more to do with him, so he started a new life, family, got married . He had this one picture ofher(in her auschwitz prisoner uniform) , and he used to cut out her head and put her on another clothing, away from Auschwitz. He used to do this for the most of his life (the filmaker says it was a way for him to imagine an alternative life they could have had).He copied the picture and kept it in his wallet until the day he died. So when his daughter was 16 she said her father told her about this Jewish girl, and that he never ever in his life felt true love like that. He even gave his daughter a locket with a picture of him and his ex Jewish girlfriend, not her mother. His daughter said it was odd, and she also said that this Jewish girl was the love of his life(in a documentary, there was a documentary made about them). So the filmmaker which is close to both his and Jewish girls families said that the ss officer was deeply and truly in love in this Jewish girl, till the day he died. His wife also knew about his ex.So in 1972 he had to go to the court because of his war crimes against humanity, and his ex Jewish girlfriend was a witness,when he saw her after 30 years of no contact he started to cry. Does that mean even while married to his wife he loved his ex girlfriend more? Does that mean that he would maybe leave his wife for her?",Stress +48666,"Scientific Study How Mindfulness replaces medication to reduce anxiety + + **How Mindfulness replaces medication to reduce anxiety** + +Care works similarly as well as a prescription to check nervousness, concentrate on finds + +A care contemplation course might be as successful at lessening uneasiness as a typical medicine, as per another review. + +The exploration, distributed on November 9 in JAMA Psychiatry, involved a gathering of 276 grown-ups with untreated uneasiness problems. A big part of the patients was haphazardly chosen to take 10 to 20 mg of escitalopram, the nonexclusive type of Lexapro, a typical medicine used to treat nervousness and wretchedness. The other half were relegated to an eight-week course in care-based pressure decrease. + +The outcomes were dazzling: The two gatherings experienced about a 20% decrease in their tension side effects over the eight-week time span. + +Elizabeth Hoge, the lead creator on the review and the overseer of the Tension Issues Exploration Program at Georgetown College Clinical Center, let CNN know that she trusts the examination can open up greater treatment choices for patients with uneasiness. [more](https://tomorrowgreatest.blogspot.com/2022/11/scientific-study-how-mindfulness.html)",Stress +48667,"Has anyone experienced premature ageing? To fly through my background I was abused pretty heavily growing up and have always been very hyper vigilant. Meaning I've had a lot of stress my entire life. Recently I've started to take notice of how old I and others look. I'm obsessed with guessing how old people are, whenever I find someone who I think is my age or looks as old as I do I find they're at least 5 years if not 10 years older than me. I'm only 21 and I feel like I already look older than my 6 year older brother. My cheeks are hollow and my hair is thin. My skin looks rough and my skin complexion is uneven. It's rough. I don't know how to accept this. It feels so unfair and I'm struggling to deal with it. I obviously don't KNOW if I'm any older than I am and am looking into having my biological age tested but all the physical and cognitive markers or age are showing. Has anyone else dealt with this? I feel like I've had 10 or so of the best and healthiest years of my life stolen from me.",Stress +48668,"How to relief or even stop rob pain caused by stress? I have several conditions which mean chronic stress. These are all in hand as best as can be hoped. Recently though, I’ve been having nasty bouts of pain in my ribs because of stress. It feels like I’m wearing a corset. Does anyone have any reliefs as to how to combat this?",Stress +48669,Stress—>Anxiety—>Anxiety/Panic Attack Basically I had stress and it lead to anxiety when I went to the doctor that’s what they said and when I had it happened my heart was racing face and I couldn’t breathe normally but I calmed down in the moment. But my breathing has been feeling irregular for this week and my question is if it’s normal for my breathing to be irregular after a panic attack still because It’s been happening since then. Or am I having more panic attacks I’m not aware about?,Stress +48670,how can i overcome my stress? I am 24 and work 16-18 hours a day. Just take a sleep for 3-4 hours. As i am working in a startup so there is a lot to learn. If i will not learn/work then how could I be successful? But due to this workload maybe i am getting more n more anger issues.,Stress +48671,"Stress of having a family and trying to keep up with life Is it normal to not be able to keep the house clean and catch up on basic household chores. My wife and I work opposite schedules so that we don't have to rely on day care or a babysitter. We have a 16 month old daughter, 2 cats and a dog. I try my best to keep the house tidy but little detail stuff like dusting, vacuuming and mopping seem almost impossible to do and after a day it looks like nothing even got done. Outside chores is a race while she naps during the day and what ever doesn't get done has to wait for a second nap or another day. By no means is my house filthy but there are a lot of projects I can't seem to start and trying to just maintain it is a project in itself. Before the kid I was able to do a lot more but between her and trying to get basic stuff done while working is very draining. Normally I'd wait till the evening to do something after she goes to bed but lately I just wanna play on my phone or watch a movie. I love my family with all my heart and would not change a thing, I'm just stressed because I think of everything that needs to get done and it causes me to procrastinate even more. As a new parent I just need to hear whether or not this is normal. I've been told that one day I'll miss all the hustle and bustle and noise.",Stress +48672,"Just a loser passing by Anyone else think about what could've been, I'm 26, unemployed, live with parents, never worked a job, socially retarded, no friends, no drivers license, I wonder what could've been i have no idea how i turned out this way i guess i made all the wrong choices or did nothing maybe if computers didn't exist i would've been normal maybe in a different time things could've been different.",Stress +48673,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaAAAAAAAAAA FIDBWJSKLA oaak$]*÷akkaaAAAAAAAAA DO¥●EOODSNAPOW●¥•》OEKFPA8489492DNKS×[;,Stress +48674,Random? Need advice. Soooo I def have anxiety. I was just casually hanging out. Playing video games. Then I felt like I had a small ball or maybe even my cats hair. Idk. Just stuck there. Then I swallowed something? Ideeeekkk. I’m freaking out. It’s like a thing for anxiety to make your throat feel right and raspy? Now it just feel irritated. I drank water. I’m having like a dry cough. I do smoke weed. Sooo. Idk. Help? Anyone have anxiety that has had this weird sensation and/or swallowed a miscellaneous dust particle? Lolz. Thanks sm.,Stress +48675,"Gratitude is a huge stress reliever With the stress and chaos of this world, it is no wonder why we all are like tightly wound balls that could explode at any moment. + + It's an extremely trying time for us all. + +But it doesn't have to be... + +There are little things we can do on a daily basis to bring back our mental sanity and to bring us back to our place of peace and calm. + +Besides meditation, one of the best thing that works for me is a daily gratitude practice. + +When we focus on gratitude daily, we block out the negative and multiply the positive. The practice literally transforms our world! + +To learn more about the benefit of a daily gratitude practice, click [here](https://medium.com/p/cf087ef70374).",Stress +48676,"Just want a little advice. My close friend has been going through a lot with school work, to her ex drama just busy days. I want to help more than I feel I am. I know I am but I feel I can do more. + +I looked after her kid for her twice now so she could go out and see friends for school and just to have a little fun. She really appreciated it. We also did a halloween thing with her son too and she had a lot of fun, watched a movie and just had some laughs. She told me it was nice to get out and do that and just have a fun Friday night. + +She deserves it. I made her a nice dish for dinner and she loved it. She suggested we do a hockey game soon too and just little things together. She told me her friends want to meet me too and I felt honoured but she needs a babysitter first.. + +We are going out to brunch in a few days so I know she said she likes that distraction out of reading her books etc. Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and was going to put a nice little gift together of candles, bath bombs etc.. + +what else can I do to help.. + +I know looking after her son helps a lot and she thanked me a lot and gave me a gift card to say thanks. + +I know going to do a coffee or little hang helps her out too but I really could see how much she's stressed and struggling. + +She called me about it and confided in me too. + +What else can I do..ask? or give flowers?",Stress +48677,Relaxing Tropical forest by the lake Ambient - 432Hz [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzVCAwhvlUo&t=207s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzVCAwhvlUo&t=207s),Stress +48678,"Muscle relaxation? Does any one have tips on how to relax your muscles due to stress? Every muscle in my body is beyond tight and I'm in quite a bit of pain. I have tried running, biking, exercise and stretching and I feel like it kind of gets worse. It's hard to sleep honestly. Any suggestions, natural supplements, vitamins, food, exercises, would be greatly appreciated!",Stress +48679,"Stress hives from work. I want to preface this post with that in theory I love my job. Back in August I found a job that I actually enjoy doing, but my coworkers are stressing me out so horribly that I have allergic reaction like hives on the right side of my face and neck. +I work at a gym in the daycare center and as of late we’ve been getting an influx of gym members, which in turn means more children. At my gym we have two different rooms for childcare. We have a childcare room for toddlers (where I work) and then we have “kids club” for elementary school age kids. There is more than the age difference between the two rooms. Kids club is a much larger room and has more mature toys such as monster high dolls, Jenga, and a giant connect four. This room is better equipped for a larger group of kids. The other room is basically a glorified supply closet which is perfect for small children. +Now we got that out of the way I can get to why I’m here: +Between these two room there is supposed to be two people working, one in child care and one in kid’s club, but as of late I’ve been the only person scheduled for any form of daycare. It’s been extremely difficult to manage the toddlers and making sure the older kids are okay. I’ve been stressing so hard about making sure everyone is safe and enjoying themselves while I have 3 toddlers crying to be picked up and now I have two special needs children now. The right side of my face and neck is breaking out in hives. I need a new job.",Stress +48680,"Free Online Counselling Sessions Hello! I have a small counselling practice and I am looking for 10 volunteers who would like to receive a free 1 hour therapy session by video conference in return for a testimonial. + +I do CBT, NLP, REBT, EFT and traditional solution based counselling. + +If you are interested please send an email to info@tapandtalktherapy.com with the Subject: Testimonial Session + +Thank you!",Stress +48681,Toxic in laws! My in laws has been so controlling over my two boys. They try and basically tell me what I need to do and what not to do... Sometimes they make me feel like I'm a bad mother! And it from thing like me sending my kids to public school to them getting the mandatory shots to attend school... Or the fact that I don't doing anything with politics because it's not something I'm very educated with and that's because I never showed interest so their for I don't vote and they think I should just go vote for who they tell me to because it's my children future and I'm a bad person cause I dont. They make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Husband agrees with me and tells me to just let them go and let it be... But then theirs part of me that feels bad because my kids have a great bond with them. So I'm basically stuck in the middle of letting them out of my life and enjoy peace or just continue to allow their behavior so my boys are happy! There's so much more to it that's stressful.,Stress +48682,"How to Take Criticism Effectively So I struggle with criticism. On the moment I'm contradicted on a subject, I doubt just about everything I know. It's a huge problem. I will become extremely anxious and self pity, if I don't get defensive. Typically if someone else is wrong or criticized even at the smallest degree at a similar time, it's like instant relief, but that isn't a given. How should I learn to take criticism so I'm actually a better person from it?",Stress +48683,"Stress Awareness Day TIL from this [article](https://www.claritychi.com/stress-awareness/) that the first Wednesday of November. Nice little reminder for me to relax, just as the holidays start creeping up.",Stress +48684,"Nose Clogged? dried out? Does anyone get this with stress/anxiety? I have never had allergies before, usually on the morning I am good. But after lunch at work, one side of my nose get clogged and it makes it hard to breathe and my anxiety doesn't help. Do you have tips or things I can do to relive this? This is like my number reason my anxiety shoots up + +Any tips would be helpful",Stress +48685,"7 Tips to Deal with Stress Today is Stress Awareness Day so I want to share some statistics and resources available for people suffering from stress: + +&#x200B; + +* The most common cause of stress is work-related stress with 79% saying they frequently felt it. (Statista)😓 +* 74% of people feel so stressed they have been overwhelmed or unable to cope. (Mental Health Foundation and YouGov)😦 +* 13.7 million working days are lost each year in the UK because of work-related stress, anxiety and depression, costing £28.3 billion yearly. (NICE) 🤯 + +Tips to Deal with  Stress: +\-**Explore your triggers**: Keep a diary for one week to discover which situations increase your stress levels the most. +\-**Practice time management**: Trying to do everything at once isn't an effective way to handle stress as it usually takes you longer to complete your tasks. Ensure that you are organised by managing your time efficiently. +**-Set boundaries:** It's easy to be available 24 hours a day due to current technology. Establish some boundaries so work is distanced from your personal life. +**-Life outside of work:** To avoid experiencing burnout you must take some time to look after yourself and engage in activities you enjoy. +**-Build a support network:** Speaking with and meeting up with friends and family can help you feel more positive and reduce your vulnerability to stress. +**-Focus on healthy habits:** Avoid alcohol, caffeine and nicotine, get enough sleep, eat well and be active. + +**-Do a course:** There are plenty of courses available that will teach you to understand the symptoms and causes of stress, steps you can take to deal with your stress and will help you practice dealing with stressful situations in the safety of exercises. For example, **VirtualSpeech** is offering a free trial for their Managing Workplace Stress course and **FutureLearn** also offers a Workplace Wellbeing course.",Stress +48686,"Do you ever feel like you’re in a losing battle between your doctor and your job? Or is it just me? + +I have two blood/circulatory, autoimmune disorders that are not that difficult to regulate, but can get annoying sometimes because I often have to go to more appointments than I’d like. Also, depending on the job, I may have to ask for accommodations. + +The last manager that I asked for an accommodation basically insinuated that I was lying, and even when I proved it with a doctors note, she was still very rude about it, and acted like I was asking for something ridiculous other than needing to get up every two hours and walk around for five minutes because of my poor circulation. + +I have been let go in the past due to taking time off for medical conditions, but of course they don’t say that it’s because of medical condition they just say I’m taking “too much time off.” So I can’t claim ADA discrimination. + +I’ve been at my new job for a little over a year now and they are so flexible and have no issues with me taking time off but of course I built up this wall because of previous jobs and I’m always terrified to ask for time off when I need to go to a doctors appointment. + +My doctor is like “your health is more important than your job and you need to make this work so that you can do everything you need to do to handle your autoimmune diseases.” Obviously, my health is more important than a job but he doesn’t think about the fact that companies don’t give a shit about health and if I lose my job due to taking time off, I won’t be able to afford insurance or pay out-of-pocket for him. + +It stresses me the fuck out and I feel like each side is pulling me without considering the consequences.",Stress +48687,"10yo daughter stressed or is it more? I have a 10yo daughter who has always seemed happy and carefree but sacred me tonight. She is very active in dance and cheer but has been upset recently about her dance instructor focusing on her being ""pigeon-toed"". She has also been talking a lot about her ""arches"" and her feet hurting outside of dance. Anyway, I picked her up from dance tonight and she seemed upset and said it was due to Ms Caitlyn talking about her feet again but then seemed fine. 10 minutes later out of nowhere she blurted out ""this is really weird but sometimes I just want to jump out of the car"" and started crying. When I asked her to explain it to me she said that her body wanted her to but her brain told her no. I was shocked and horrified and had no clue what to say or do. Does anyone have any advice? Please help.",Stress +48688,Stress Headache I’m (22F) starting to get a stress headache thinking about work on Wednesday. I’m really bad at math and calculating since I was in elementary school (I think the closest I’ve come to being diagnosed with a learning disability was in 5th grade) and I have to count money at work. I always have to recount it just in case but it makes me take more time than needed.,Stress +48689,"The Psychology of Horror Movies: Why People Enjoy Being Scared, Shocked, and Disgusted While fear, shock, and disgust are typically seen as negative emotions that we want to avoid, they can also be an enjoyable experience in certain situations. + +Horror movies are one of the best examples of this. When you’re watching a horror movie about ghosts, zombies, serial killers, aliens, or monsters, your nervous system naturally kicks into gear as if you’re experiencing a real threat from your environment. + +**This** [**fight, flight, or freeze**](https://www.theemotionmachine.com/the-complete-guide-to-daily-stress/)**-response creates a biochemical rush of adrenaline, endorphins, and dopamine, which can create a type of “natural high.”** + +However, while your body experiences the “natural high” of a real threat, your brain knows deep down that you’re actually safe and secure – and there’s no real danger present. + +One early [study](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00995932) published in the journal *Motivation and Emotion* looked into why people enjoy eating really spicy foods (such as chili peppers) and found a similar response. + +Chili enjoyers still feel the same irritation and pain of eating spicy foods as everyone else, but they enjoy the rush of adrenaline and endorphins it produces. It stimulates the body’s “warning system” in a harmless and risk-free way that can be exciting and exhilarating. + +This type of [positive thrill-seeking](https://www.theemotionmachine.com/positive-thrill-seeking/) can be found in many other relatively safe and harmless activities, such as riding rollercoasters, extreme sports, skydiving, an intense workout, or playing competitive video games. + +**New psychology research shows that the experience of negative emotions (in a safe and controlled context) can be very enjoyable and beneficial.** + +One [study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30307264/) published in the scientific journal *Emotion* found that “voluntarily arousing negative emotions” (VANE) – such as purposely making ourselves scared – can lead to an overall boost in mood, like when we watch a horror movie or visit a haunted house. + +The study looked at individuals who bought tickets for an “extreme haunted house” event, which was designed to elicit a variety of negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, shock, and disgust. + +After the “haunted house” experience, most individuals reported an overall boost in euphoria and positive mood, especially if they felt tired, bored, or stressed beforehand. + +While the sample is biased (people who buy tickets to haunted houses are more likely to enjoy them), the study does reveal that some people genuinely enjoy scaring themselves. + +Furthermore, the study found that individuals who enjoyed the haunted house experience also showed less stress while completing subsequent cognitive and emotional tests (including showing less reactivity in the brain during those tests, as measured by EEG recordings). + +Researchers theorize that “voluntarily arousing negative emotions” (VANE) can teach us how to better deal with future stress and anxiety. + +This is a common technique behind a lot of *exposure therapy*, where a person is gradually put into a fearful situation so they become more “desensitized” to some irrational fear or phobia. For example, a person scared of flying may be asked by a therapist to visualize themselves getting on a plane until they learn to manage their fear better. + +By actively exposing ourselves to fear, shock, or disgust in a safe and controlled way, we get to practice regulating these emotions in the moment, which is an important pillar of [emotional intelligence](https://www.theemotionmachine.com/4-fundamental-pillars-of-emotional-intelligence/). + +**Horror movies** ***simulate*** **extraordinary experiences that we normally wouldn’t have in the real world. When we watch a horror movie, we put ourselves in the protagonist’s position and ask ourselves,** ***“What would I do in this situation?”*** + +New research shows fans of horror movies may even be more prepared to face real-world catastrophes. + +One fascinating [study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7492010/) published in *Personality and Individual Differences* discovered that fans of “horror movies” and “pandemic movies” were more resilient during the COVID pandemic. It was also found that fans of “prepper” genres in particular (alien-invasion, apocalyptic, and zombie films) exhibited both greater resilience and preparedness. + +This is one reason why “pandemic” movies such as *Contagion* and *28 Days Later* showed a huge spike in popularity during COVID. + +Ultimately, horror movies give us a chance to face our fears and practice [mentally rehearsing](https://www.theemotionmachine.com/mental-rehearsal-changing-habits-through-the-power-of-visualization/) how we would respond in extremely intense situations. As the famous horror writer Stephen King once said, “A good horror story help us understand our own deepest fears.”",Stress +48690,"Want to Lower Your Stress? It May Just Take 4 Weeks of Eating These Kinds of Food + +When it comes to dealing with stress, we’re often told the best things we can do are exercise, make time for our favorite activities, or try meditation or mindfulness. + +But the kinds of foods we eat may also be an effective way of dealing with stress, according to research published by me and other members of APC Microbiome Ireland. + +Our latest study has shown that eating more fermented foods and fiber daily for just four weeks had a significant effect on lowering perceived stress levels. + + [See The Article](https://jayasrilanka.info/2022/10/29/want-to-lower-your-stress-it-may-just-take-4-weeks-of-eating-these-kinds-of-food-sciencealert/)",Stress +48691,Peacefull raining soundscape to help you relax. [https://youtu.be/pFFqsSkOBrM](https://youtu.be/pFFqsSkOBrM),Stress +48692,"So much happened this week and i can't handle myself. I am 28 years old and my birthday is tomorrow. I am not the one who cares much about my age or celebrates it. However i am having a very bad week and seem too stressed out. + +To start with, i was on a weekend trip with my girl friends to relax and meet after 2 long years. It was fun. But i am always the 3rd wheel in that friendship. They both are nice to me and they wish well for me. But i am the complete opposite of them. They are funny , crack jokes , extrovert and i am none of it. I just listen to them and enjoys the company sort of. They are good looking and can carry themselves. I am bit on the fatty side and does not look much good in the pictures. I think it always bothers me. + +Anyways , i come back from the trip and thought to stay with my boyfriend for some days. I feel lonely even when he is around. He gets very excited about his work and talks continuously about it. I am very much discouraged and demotivated by it even though i should not. He helped with a lot of stuff at work. I keep wondering why i am not excited as much as he is. I am interested in doing my work but i am not an expert. Just an average person at work. But i am a team lead too and the management part of comes easily for me. + +I normally handles the new joinee mentorship, any documentations, managing the team calls , setting up sessions. Somewhat what a culture team would do. I like doing this but i don't want to be known for it. Anyways past week, my department head called me up and said he sending some names selected for attending a training and asked to review it. I thought I might be in it but i was not. Every lead except me which made me very sad. I do not know why i was not even considered. I am not that bad. Yet again. + +This all happened when i was still at my boyfriend's place. I don't think he knows i was struggling with all this negative vibes happening. Still i thought i will hold my head high. I started going through my drive which the girls uploaded the pics of us. I don't normally go through it. I thought i might as well because my sister was asking for pics. So i selected some which i looked better with them. I thought i will send some good ones and some bad ones for the fun of it. The moment i send it, she replied telling me i look terrible in it. That I have put on too much weight and no one would tell this to my face. By that point, i was breaking down. I was crying hard and was feeling so much heavy in my heart. I was with my boyfriend and yet he does not know my heart was breaking with all the pain. I don't if i should blame him or I should have gone to him. May be he does not know i am struggling and i am not willing to tell him my struggles. + +So i texted my sister back, "" yup, i know"". I don't think she know i was upset. Then my second sister texted me saying i should take care of my health. Our family has diabetes genes. She was telling me the same thing. I was okay with her msging but i am very upset with the other sister for bitching about my weight. I only send pics to her. + +This all happened on Friday. At work, i did literally nothing. I could not do anything. I keep thinking about hypothetical scenarios and to wishful thinking if i could just leave everything behind. It was so much pain. + +Tomorrow is my birthday and i want to be alone..just alone. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this birthday is the thing that's making me miserable. But honestly i am not worried about getting aged. I am just tired. I know I should not expect people to come to you. But oh man I wish i could have someone who can feel me and i can open up to. I know i have people to talk. People will listen to me. But i can't open up to them. Everything is bottled up inside and i am so so stressed and sad and what not. + +I just wanted to write my miseries. Hope this helps me.",Stress +48693,"Stress sickness I was hoping someone could offer me some advice, I have been over stressed for far too long, and it has made me sick for months! My body needs a break but nothing seems to help. I have lost 70 pounds and am borderline malnourished, struggling to get by day to day. Have tried everything from exercise to therapy, and in between. Just can’t seem to relax. Any lesser known coping mechanisms, even meds to suggest would be greatly appreciated!",Stress +48694,i’m so stressed for the last 6 months i have no clue what to do i’m 17 never felt like this my muscles can’t relax anymore i always twitch when i lay down how do i get better is there anything i can take,Stress +48695,"Stress and Neck pain? Anyone else? **Hey Folks!** + +**I’m a family medicine/neuromusculoskeletal physician. I keep seeing the same thing in my clinic....upper back/neck pain and headaches! So much of this is related to stress! Im always asked how can I improve my pain without undergoing painful procedures or utilizing medications. I want to be able to help more people than I can see in my clinic so I want to put together a free video to help people start feeling better. Would anyone be interested in this?**",Stress +48696,"No one to talk to So, I’m currently super stressed and I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. I’ve suffered with depression for a long time and I recently got a puppy. I’ve wanted another dog for about 10 years and I thought it was a good time to get one now since I’m WFH. The puppy is about 3 months old and at around 2 months, she started throwing up. I took her to the emergency vet and found out she had an obstruction in her intestines. This meant she had to have surgery and her insurance hasn’t kicked in so I had to pay out of pocket. I had to take out a credit card to pay the 7K bill. She came home and was doing really well. Then 2 days ago she started throwing up again. She threw up around 6 times. I took her back to the vet and they had to run a bunch of tests again (another 1K) and it seems like a treat I gave her may have irritated her intestines again. They wanted to do more tests but I literally can not afford it. I spoke to the vet about it as none of this can be covered by insurance. The vet gave her an anti nausea medication and sent us home to observe her. She ate and hasn’t vomited but I’m still nervous about it all. I really got the dog in hopes that it would also help with my depression but it’s becoming worse due to all of this…I feel helpless and I can’t afford to take her back to the vet…",Stress +48697,I feel like im about to implode from stress I'm 21 years old and I recently enrolled in college I ended up choosing a really hard course. My parents were paying for it but i still failed them and i had no choice but to drop the course. I went to go drop it today however on the way out I got into a fender bender which will be my second accident this year and i'm still on my parents insurance. I'm such a colossal fuckup and I don't know what I can do to repair this situation. I'm going to go get a job soon so the finical strain wont be too hard but I just cant believe how much ive ruined my parents trust they placed in me. The worst part is its all my fault I just cant believe how easy it is to ruin trust and respect and how hard it is to earn it back. I feel paralyzed I cant calm down and this is ontop of the fact that I have anxiety over searching for a job. I threw up due to how stressed I was. I feel like I cant talk to anyone but strangers about how bad i feel right now. I just have no idea how to be ok.,Stress +48698,"Restricting stressors on devices. help! Hi all, I thought this would be a good place to ask. + +Sometimes its best for my stress and anxiety to flat out block apps and websites that cause me stress. I have a very bad habit of wanting to dig things up from the past, even if they would hurt me, and often times the best way for me to combat this is to restrict myself from accessing social media. + +Right now I've been using an app called 'Freedom' which has been very useful. The issue? I've figured out how to disable it whenever I want. Knowing that at any point I could breach the restrictions I put in place just makes me super anxious. I'm able to go into the VPN settings and turn off 'connect on demand' which allows me to bypass the block. + +Does anyone know any surefire way I can block things, and not have access to them? being able to set a block on social media for 24 hours is often the best way I can get back on track with my day, and stop stressing over digging up things that would hurt me. Is self discipline my only option, or is there a better way?",Stress +48699,"My mind & body choses flight instead of fight. I (26F), am going through it tonight. Honestly? I couldn't tell if my post belonged in the anxiety or rant subreddit, but I asked myself aloud, ""How do I feel?"", and my answer was: stressed. + +So, here I am. + +Crying and bawling my eyes out. 'Why?' you might ask. Well, I'll tell you a little bit about me...I am an overweight female who has gone through shit in my 26 years of living. My childhood was basically robbed of me, mainly because I witnessed fights and screaming matches between family members and a near divorce with the parentals. I was also bullied majority of my early childhood all the way through middle school. After all of this happened (and there was a lot more than that), I felt like I was forced to grow up and basically chose 'flight mode' to save myself. + +What I mean by that is, closing myself off. Staying in my room and coming out when I absolutely have to. I have a fear of being rejected, and being a failure. I am afraid of being yelled at for doing something wrong and I have a fear of getting into trouble and being reprimanded. + +I still live with my parents and I have no job because of just basically, being socially anxious. I stutter around people I don't know and that makes me even more anxious and self-conscious. I forget things easily and that in turn, furthers my fear of being incapable of a job. On top of that, I have trouble sleeping at night because thoughts run through my head a million times a second. Because of this, I wake up late almost everyday (at 11am). + +Just tonight, my mom basically dumped a, 'we need to talk' case on me and already I felt my blood run cold. She's talking to me but all I hear is my heart thumping in my ears. She tells me I need to work on waking up early because the rest of the world wakes up early like ""adults"". I felt very offended by that and told her that it's not my fault that I can't sleep properly at night. I, in fact, tell this to her everyday, so it's not old news. Yet, when I did remind her of this, she basically sighed and almost wanted to roll her eyes. Then she tells me I need a week to just 'work on myself' to fix that and realistically, thats not how that works but I didn't say anything. + +Then she tells me I need to find a job. Something that pays and that 70% of the world gets up and does a 9 to 5 job which I already knew. Now, I was starting think she thinks I'm lazy or something when it's absolutely not the case. + +Truth is, I have been getting together with my younger sister who is an artist on doing freelance stuff that we are both interested in doing. We have been talking about it little by little. I told my mom this and she didn't seem to believe me, basically looking at me with an expression of, ""Ohhh really like what"". + +So she asks, ""Okay, what have y'all worked on today?"" of all things she asks on the day me and my younger sister decide to take at least the day off from planning. I said, ""Well, we are taking a break today but I designed some stuff for xx and sended it to her and she reformatted and polished it up."" my mom seemed to deflate in a way that said, 'That was it?' + +Not gonna lie, it made me feel bad and then she went into a repeated 5 minute lecture on how we need to wake up earlier and start the day like adults. Meanwhile I'm here depressed, stressed and just over it at this point. Over the fact that she just doesn't understand at all. She says, 'I know you can do it. I know that.' + +But does she really? Anytime I do, 'do it', she seemes to be unsatisfied and that pushes me a million steps back. + +I get upset and after we finish talking, I go to my room to sleep (11pm at this point) and I just start bawling at how useless I felt and the whole, 'why is my life like this'. + +It took so much in me not to burst into tears in front of her but man my throat was tighrening so bad it hurt that I couldn't speak for a good few seconds. + +I don't know, I guess I just need some advice on the situation? Anytime I'm in this position my stress literally goes through the roof and I don't know how to manage it (like the need to runaway, disappear or worse). I really do want to work, I want to recieve a paycheck and get my own place and my own car and things, but why am I always on flight mode all the time?",Stress +48700,Anyone else getting SAD earlier this year? I noticed an uptick in my anxiety/stress around mid-September this year. I think SAD is region specific so I'm on the east coast of the US for reference.,Stress +48701,Simple Stress Relief Meditation Take 15 minutes to soothe the stress and anxiety from your day. A [guided meditation](https://youtu.be/sLIfnYWj8rU) to help calm and balance your mind.,Stress +48702,"I need help I’m a senior in high school and I get out early to work at four separate jobs a week. I don’t have many study halls and I’m really stressed on school work and learning on how to drive. I haven’t been able to do any of the stuff I like to do since I don’t have much time to do it. I’m also working on a personal project on my own subreddit that I haven’t felt motivated to do so. By this point I have trouble sleeping, and things like my brothers alarm clock or any loud noises in the mornings really stress me out a lot. I just don’t know what to do.",Stress +48703,I feel so stressed and alone. I have people in my life I can talk to but they're all busy and I don't want to burden then more. My counselor is also really hard to get a hold of. I just feel burnt out beyond belief.,Stress +48704,"Anyone have a good apps that guide how to de-stress and relax? I’m on iOS, love the idea of things like guided deep breaths, etc. + +On the edge of investing into an app like Calm.",Stress +48705,"stitches and masterbating i recently hit a mirror and my artery broke, so stressed but cant do anything that raises my blood pressure, would it be safe to jack off? i have stitches in my right upper wrist btw + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/ydbges)",Stress +48706,"Got important interview but so stressed due to losing home I recently lost my apartment due to flooding. I managed to claim from insurance for the (ongoing) restoration works but the whole thing has been so traumatising just going back to the neighbourhood makes my heart sink. I've only bought this apartment 1.5 years ago and it has been endless repairs, plumbing issues and water damage and I really don't want to live there anymore. But it's so hard to rent another place. My parents are completely unsympathetic and won't let me move back with them. I am staying at a hotel for the time being. I have chronic illness and a handful of health issues and this whole thing has aged me 20 years I could see it in the mirror. I have an important interview today but I'm so stressed out I couldn't sleep a wink last night. To top it off I am on the second day of my period. Please any word to help me relax a little would be greatly appreciated.",Stress +48707,"how to stop eating fingers skin Hello, + +I noticed everytime I am stressed or thinking I destroy my finder skins by either eating with my teeth (should be fix in a few as I have to get Invasilign for teeth alignment) but also with my other hands fingers. + +Do you have any good workaround or ideas to get over this bad habits? My fingers look so bad I feel very shame! + +Thank you :)",Stress +48708,"How did the pandemic change your beliefs? A friend of mine said that after the pandemic, he's started to budget a lot less to spend more money on travelling. His belief is, what's the point of saving if we all die! Funnily enough, before the pandemic, he was a cheapskate always saving and thinking long-term. Interesting to see him have changed this much. + +A part of me agrees, and of course, disagrees. For me, I have started to find different things important that weren't so before, going out for dinner with friends, and prioritising experiences over materialistic goods. Crazy to think that 2 years went by in our lives that we'll never get back and how it changed our lives and will most likely impact how we think about how we spend our money and manage it forever in the future. + +How did the pandemic change how you think of your personal finances?",Stress +48709,"Stress Induced IBS? I'm new to the higher stress levels, but over the past week or so I've had somewhat digestive issues. Nothing like some stories, but a mild left bottom abdomen ache that comes and goes. + +For anyone dealing with stress, have you had bad digestive issues? What did you do to get better? + +I'm personally taking a week off of everything to reset.",Stress +48710,Stressing about where I'll end up in life I'm starting a new job next week. I've been looking into certification programs cuz I wanna get back into school or one of these programs and get a certification so I can get a better job. I have went from one job to another recently but I just keep stressing about where I'll end up in life. I know I can't change the past but I can shape my future by looking into things now. I'm 33 and I just feel I should be in a better place but I know everyone goes through different things so I'm trying to think positive as much as I can but I can't help but stress about this at times,Stress +48711,My new job. Hello people of Reddit I am a 16 year old female and I live with my grand mother she is sweet and took me in when my mother couldn’t anymore. I when into a job and I start training today but everything I heard of her seem that if I get a job I might lose everything that she been working on. She say I just need to force on school but I want to work like my friends and work hard for my money. I’m wondering if I should just quit. Because I’m sick of hearing it. It seem like anything I want to do I get told the bad part but never the best part of it. What should I do?,Stress +48712,What are your favorite stress management techniques? Hi - I'm looking to try new things to help manage stress - any ideas?,Stress +48713,"Hair turning white I'm so unbelievably fucking stressed out and want to vent right now since I can't scream and punch things + +I've never been so fucking financially and emotionally stressed out in my fucking life + +-Stuck on a night shift working 10 hours a day for pay way under what I deserve for my experience and schooling + +-2k in credit card debt due to stupid fucking bullshit coming out of nowhere and having to shell out money for it + +-used up most of my TFSA because of stupid fucking covid hitting literally the same month of buying my first ever home and losing my good paying job due to the company using covid as a scapegoat and ""selling the company"" when in reality, the assholes fired all but 8 people and kept operations open + +-girlfriend (should be fiancé but can't even spare 500 bucks for a decent engagement ring right now) is stuck in workers comp hell because of a work injury. They didn't send her any fucking money for months then sent her a big lump sum of money, and now a month later claim they overpaid her a grand and she has to pay it back, leaving me to cover the house payments until she can afford to help again. Seriously, WCB is a fucking joke with a bunch of dumbass monkeys working for them. + +- stuck with a shitty car that has way too many problems for being bought brand new in 2018 and the dealership is just as shitty as WCB and actively try to fuck me over (as all dealerships do) + +My goddamn hair is turning white and I'm so full of just pure rage most of the time now that I get frequent migraines. + +Anyone else want to just explode and go fucking crazy on a punching bag for hours straight all the time or is it just me? + +I know I should probably find a therapist, but even finding a family doctor right now has been a nightmare since I can't afford to fucking miss work and my old doctor left the damn province. + +At least it felt good to type this shit out and silently scream through this flurry of text. + +Rage with me if you want",Stress +48714,"19 years old, can't the mosquito alarm Ayo so I used be able hear it when I was 15-16, but can't now, I think it's cuz I had really bad infection in both ears (17, they both bled and scabbed up a bit cuz I was get rid of the hardened wax, pain of intensity I never wish to feel again) + +Is there any way to get natural hearing back without hearing external shit like hearing aids? I know I don't need them now but for future reference and in case I can start early on it.",Stress +48715,"Wife is out of town and I'm juggling a stressful job and two kids on my own. Fuck this is hard. IDK - just venting here. + +I manage a software technician/support team, it's stressful on the best of days and I work 50+ hours a week. Well we just lost one of our best guys, and our engineers pushed a new release of the software and as fucking *always* QA dropped the ball and it fucked production up and so caused a bunch of extra work for my team (me). + +To top it off this coincided with my phone suddenly breaking (screen stopped working, can hear calls come in but can't answer), my wife is out of town, and I'm juggling a 4 and 7 year old. + +I feel like I'm going to melt, cry, die...",Stress +48716,"Really stressed vs. under performance So I wanted to get a better grasp on this concept because there are times when I am stressed yet still maintaining a fairly healthy mindset. There are other times I *feel* less stressed out but I am not healthy and my mentality is worn down. How do you keep a clear distinction between the two when there is so much stimulation, distractions and stressors in life? I want to have a clear understanding of myself and how I function for longevity reasons. Thank you for taking the time to read my submission!",Stress +48717,"losing my mind im so stressed im so sad i have so many physical symptoms. i just tried acupuncture and left scared it made me way more anxious. i cant catch a fucking break. im starting a new job, i feel unable to work but if i dont my life will spiral downward. what do i do 😔😔😔😔😔😔",Stress +48718,"In 2 days I'm literally moving across the country and I'm losing my mind I'm moving from Cali to Ohio. 2400+ miles and I've JUST enough to rent a car, move my dog and reptile and most of my important things. + +I'm moving in with a friend who's trying to get me out of a really bad living situation. But I've not been able to save anything for this move. I quit my job, all my vacation pay I was given is going to the rental. I'm going to be lucky to have 500 dollars afterwards. Still have bills when I get out to Ohio. + +I'm already struggling mentally, which is why my friends so adamant on getting me out of my situation. So im absolutely going insane right now. I can't breathe. Can barely think. I start to think about getting the rental and I feel like I want to collapse.",Stress +48719,"Stress won't let me sleep properly TL;DR: Can't sleep due to stress. Example for today is waiting on a person to send their part of a group project and it likely won't be sent until the morning but can't turn off my brain to sleep tonight because I want to finish all objective for today and then I can sleep. Need help to fix this way of thinking. + +Whenever I become stressed I either don't sleep or keep on waking up every hour roughly for a good while and then ultimately wake up in the morning absolutely exhausted. Take today for example I'm laying in bed stressed over a college assignment because I'm still waiting for one member to send his part to me so it can be added to the PowerPoint. It's due tomorrow evening and instead of just accepting I'll have to wait for it to be sent to me tomorrow morning or afternoon all I can think is ""I want to have it now so I can finish the project and then turn my brain off."" I can't turn my brain off until all objectives are done for that day. The objective was to submit this group project and since how I can't do it I've started stressing out and thus now I can't sleep. I hate that I'm like this and just want help on how to solve this flawed way of thinking.",Stress +48720,"Has anyone here tried peer-counselling for stress? Hey everyone, something I tried during Covid to help with anxiety was ""peer-counselling"" activities: basically you join a 1:1 call with someone in a similar situation, and using a script, take turns asking each other a set of questions. The goal is not to give advice (definitely not psychotherapy advice), just to listen actively and follow the script. + +I'm looking to start doing this again. if anyone is interested, comment or DM me. I'm planning to create a Discord group if there's enough interest",Stress +48721,"Stress/anxiety Story I'm in highschool now and I'm still really struggling with +my anxiety. It all started about 3rd grade I get sick a lot +and miss a lot of school and my dad would always get +very mad at me for missing school. I always would go to +my room cry, talk with my mom and repeat. I don't know +how I haven't been held back before I've missed like +weeks on end multiple years before anyway. My dad +would always tell me he wasn't disappointed with my +but he was frustrated, my dad doesn't understand +anything about mental heath at ALL. My mother who +had a decade worth of depression had to deal with him +just telling her to take her meds never comforting at all. +My mom is always there for me and really understands +me. She has gone through everything I've gone +through. My Question to everyone on here is am la +failure and am I not tough because I really try but in the +end I get sick really stressed out and the cycle repeats.",Stress +48722,"Can stress cause missing hunger cues? I know stress can cause a lack of appetite, but can it cause hunger signals to disappear entirely? + +I have been dealing with an extremely stressful situation lately (on a waiting list for therapy atm). The stress has been making me feel I’ll (mostly low energy, sore/achy, headaches and stomach pain). + +I’m used to losing my appetite when stressed or grieving, but with this situation I haven’t even been feeling hungry. Like, I’ll go straight from fine to “my stomach hurts and is growling from being empty” with no warning. At the point when my stomach starts hurting, I force myself to eat something but it is difficult since my appetite is gone so nothing sounds good and it seems counterintuitive to eat when I feel nauseous. When I am able to eat, it is much less than I normally would. + +Is this a normal stress thing, and how can I deal with this without making myself sicker or ending up with an ulcer?",Stress +48723,"extreme stress Aches, pains, sharp discomforts, chest pains, palpatations, anxiety, sore muscles, head filled with stress, body just defeated. + +I'm so bad off right now. I just started a new job which I am sure is contributing to stress levels. The job will give me insurance starting next month so I can't even see a doctor yet. I am hurting SO BAD. Does anyone have any advice at all. I am just so defeated right now.",Stress +48724,"Does Having A Constant Level Of Stress Negate The Effects Of Physical Therapy? I'm currently going to a physio for knee pain, I also have constant muscle tension in my back. I don't sleep well, work early hours of the morning. I don't know, the physio helps a little bit (and I do a few things for my back as well) but I sort of feel like I may be pushing it uphill as long as I have stress and anxiety. Any tips?",Stress +48725,"Everything in life is great except my stressful line of work making me feel like it’s better to just end it I (20s/F) have everything I could possibly want. I have a house in a nice area, an amazing fiancé that I can’t wait to start a family with, a well paying job… but I feel like I’ve been going insane. + +I’m sleep deprived, can’t take care of myself, can’t be there for my family, fiancé, take care of my house, still wish my fiancé would’ve wanted to elope because I have hated wedding planning cause of my stress and anxiety, and just feel like I’m failing no matter how hard I try. + +I’ve been in this line of work for a few years now, and I have awful anxiety about it, and sometimes it just feels like nothing is worth it …and now that I even have the things I wanted in life, I still don’t want to be here. + +I dual majored in engineering and have worked in the auto industry since I was 18. Due to graduating right when covid hit, I lost all my interview for dream positions, and somehow ended up in supervisor/operations roles at plants. I am extremely thankful for the experience I’ve gotten (I genuinely believe I can do anything after this) and now am doing it with the company I wanted to work for and am on a good shift now instead of night shift. I work my butt off, always have… cause I feel like I’m this industry if I’m not the best I’ll be considered the “bimbo female hire”. I have a lot of support from higher ups and constantly get told I’ll be able to move onto a more technical role outside of the plants sooner than late so it feels like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. However, some days it feels like it’s never going to end… 60+ hour weeks, constant overtime, you receive crap from hourly and the salary above you, pretty hostile work environment, the building should be condemned how nasty and unsanitary it is… you name it. Half the stuff that’s said or done would be HR fireable offenses at the offices. You just become just as crappy if you’re there long enough too. I have constant breakdowns and then feel guilty for feeling that way. I just feel hopeless. Seeing my coworkers getting stuck/held back is adding major fuel to the fire as well. + +Sorry about how ranty this is. Can’t really get my thoughts straight.",Stress +48726,Introduction to a set of release techniques which proved to be a great asset in fighting with stress [youtube.com/watch?v=HNA5OV1-hW0](https://youtube.com/watch?v=HNA5OV1-hW0),Stress +48727,"IBS flare up when going through stress? I just recently noticed I get more stomach cramps and (tmi) flatulence/ pooping when I am more stressed. Is my food not digesting / digesting too quickly? I don’t know if it’s got something to do with the digestive system revving up when I’m stressed. +It’s not a good time because it doesn’t help in my ED recovery. If I feel bloated it’s just shit. +Anyone else?",Stress +48728,"Heart Rate and Stress Yeah so basically I can’t go to the doctor yet and this thing keeps happening where my heart is beating fast and/or hard. It’s hard to explain but it’s really freaking me out which makes me worry (because of course, that’s my fucking heart) and I feel like I end up in this cycle and I can’t stop it. + +It used to happen once in a while but now it seems to be my premier stress symptom. I can’t fall asleep because of it, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because of it (stressed while I sleep?! There is no god). I feel like I’m always a little out of breath, and like… I have shit to do. I need a solution today. I can’t be waiting on Medicaid anymore. + +Sorry if I seem aggressive, I’m just really frustrated because I’ve been turning my life around and instead of feeling less stressed, I feel more stressed. I quit smoking almost 6 months ago, I finally moved out of a shitty small town, I’m eating healthy and drinking water consistently, I ended a relationship that wasn’t good and even after all of that, I feel like I’m being ‘rewarded’ with more severe symptoms of stress and I’m just tired of it. + +If this is what life is like, I want out because this just fucking sucks.",Stress +48729,,Stress +48730,"What Do You Do for No Confidence Days? I'm not talking about just having doubt, I'm talking about you don't know how you got where you are. If you're in school, you don't understand anything that's being said, and can't call on the information you've learned so you want to drop out, you failure. If you're working, you screw up a job you've been doing for years and you can't explain yourself. I'm talking you did that thing for your SO they said they wanted you to do so badly and got a negative reaction even when you did it just like they said. You are a sports genius and you wanna kick the ball like you kick balls professionally, but then you stumble out there like you've never had legs before and fall over like a newborn baby in front of fans, critics, and familiars. + +What do you do? I don't just want to give up for the day and go to bed, but I'm feeling like a fool and the imposter syndrome is strong today.",Stress +48731,"Stress rash, so unbelievably exhausted. help I just started to break out with a rash on my head and now my ankles? Super weird. Has anyone experienced this before? What can I do? + + +I have gone through what feels like torture in the last few months. If you care to read further this is my dealio... + + +-My brothers addiction and homelessness is at an all time shit storm. I am his only family member support 5+ years(everyone else lives 5000km away) + +-was fired 2 months ago (first time fired) hated the job, so whatevs but it was humiliating none the less + +-dumped by my now ex, I genuinely cared for, it was a lovely relationship. Was single 4 years prior and I thought I finally found something real and long term + +-started a new job. Love it so it's just happy stress + +-enrolled in upgrading so I can return to school next fall. Freaking out because I don't want to leave town for the 2 year program. + +-just lonely. To a depth I cannot explain, it's something you must have experienced yourself because I never could imagine this myself. + + + +Guys. What the hell? +I must say I do have much to be greatful so it's not all doom and gloom. (Healthy, amazing friends and fam, home owner, safe etc) + + +I feel the weight of the world on me and I think I'm going to loose it tonight",Stress +48732,Chronic lifelong stress to severe depression Has anyone here had lifelong chronic stress followed by peace which led to severe depression?,Stress +48733,"Do you experience stress? Our Personalized Trial for Stress Management will provide eligible participants with a Fitbit and guided mindfulness meditation, yoga, and brisk walking for easy in-home monitoring and health tracking. + +This study will last 18 weeks, and participants will have the opportunity to win a weekly lottery pending their adherence to study procedures.   + +To learn more about and check eligibility for this study you can visit our website: [https://www.personalizedhealth.org/](https://www.personalizedhealth.org/fatigue)stress + +Questions? Contact us: +[personalizedtrials@northwell.edu](mailto:personalizedtrials@northwell.edu) +646-995-8958",Stress +48734,"Can Stress Relief Help With Weight Loss? So recently been doing some research for a new blog post on my website. It's about if better stress management can help lose weight or not. It's pretty interesting I think because if you know about the stress hormone cortisol which is released as a response to stress and other stress hormones being released you will know that it also affects other hormones such as adiponectin, leptin and insulin. + + +I will not go into too much detail about it here but for anybody that is interested here is my new post; +[https://dynamicideas4life.com/can-stress-relief-help-with-fat-loss/](https://dynamicideas4life.com/can-stress-relief-help-with-fat-loss/)",Stress +48735,"Im convinced I might die Hey, + +Ive had panic attacs for the last 2 years and ive recently found out when writing my stressors what the reason was of them. Now writing the down they reduced by a whole 100%. Cheez these hyperventilations,chest pain,heart palpitations where no fun.",Stress +48736,"Random Stress Attacks after Recovering from Stressful Periods I have these small random stress attacks after an extremely stressful time of my life (1-2 years). + +I think these are caused by random triggers and I do not know how to solve them.",Stress +48737,"I need motivation or something to keep going I feel like everything I’m going through started when I went to my nephrologist and learned that my kidney function is lowering and my bp has raised. He put me on losartan 25 mg and I feel as if it’s ruining my whole life. At first it was the headaches, everyday I would get one. Then the tinnitus came and now I had ringing in my ears. Then after that I noticed my vision felt weird (I would mess up reading) and I got a bunch of floaters, I went to the eye doctor and she said that my eyes were fine. Then I started feeling very stupid like I couldn’t understand anything. It’s like everything I would hear would go in one ear and out the other. When reading questions in a test I would have to re-read multiple times to actually understand it. I was already stressed with my health issues and taking almost all AP classes has made it many times worse. I want to try the best I can but I just don’t feel like trying anymore. I’ve always wanted to be the best and I’ve always been “Smart” but now I feel so slow and I can’t focus. I don’t want to disappoint my parents but I don’t think I can do this. Am I just imagining everything or is something really wrong? I’m only 16 and I feel like I’m already losing my future because of this.",Stress +48738,"Humming Humming is a good way to relive someone else’s stress, it induces calmness and reduces stress, it enhances sleep as well, it also causes the production of powerful Neurochemicals such as oxytocin, the “love” chemical, this was learnt from a google search that I did because I noticed the person I care about seemed more relaxed when i hummed to him in his sleep",Stress +48739,Stress reduction.. [https://youtu.be/KFh03FzX\_js](https://youtu.be/KFh03FzX_js),Stress +48740,"Almost died today Today was a bad day. Driving on a highway. Being cautious. Very cautious. +2 lane road. With my child. Trying to overtake a semi. He speeds up. I slow down and he slowed down tooo. Passing lane ending. I sped up again. He speeds up too. Almost got hit head on, and side swiped from truck. He blares his horn . I am shaking. I manage to calm down eventually. It has been 8 hours since incident. I an still shakey. Advice please. There was nothing i dont know how to prevent this.",Stress +48741,"Chronic stress recovery from inflammation time frame? How long does it take inflammation in the body to dissipate after reducing Cortisol, following a period of chronic stress?",Stress +48742,"Create a Peaceful Inner Refuge to combat stress! + +Take a [mental vacation](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/classes/create-a-peaceful-inner-refuge) to a beautiful place of peace and safety, where you can rest and recharge using this relaxing sleep meditation.",Stress +48743,"Lowering Stress with Optimal Breathing [https://youtu.be/qG1BgsFJPdo](https://youtu.be/qG1BgsFJPdo) + +The simplest, easiest, most fundamental element to lowering stress and achieving good health can be found in the video above.",Stress +48744,"My gf keeps on saying she wants to off herself because of her situation right now, what do I say? + +She’s so stressed because of her dad and studies. + +w/ Dad: + +My girlfriend's family is in incredible debt right now because of her dad, they own a small store that sells daily needs. Her dad drinks EVERY NIGHT and he gets the alcohol they drink from their store, and expects her mother to pay for the alcohol. Her dad also loans a shit ton of money from loaning centers. + +w/ studies: + +She's in her 3rd year of college right now and apparently in one of her subjects, they only have 2 exams per semester and she's failed both of those exams, last Tuesday was the second and it's been fucking her up so much. She did an assignment, a plate (cause she's in engineering), she asked from another block what the problem was 3 days ago, but she found out this afternoon from her classmate that the professor changed one detail in the problem that would change the ENTIRE equation, she couldn't pass it in time. + +I'm talking to her now but I don't know what to say anymore, I've said everything that I could. + +Any advice would help.",Stress +48745,"Getting stressed over emails and minor mistakes Hi all. + +I’ve just started my first job out of uni in a very high stress field with strict timelines (m&a). I’ve noticed that when I send out emails, I overthink and stress over every little bit (aka am I spelling names correctly, does it make sense) to the point I’m wasting time. When I do send out ‘wrong’ emails (aka it double sent or some wires were crossed) I freak out and get way too much adrenaline - I feel like I’ll puke and I get very warm. I know I won’t lose my job over this but I can’t help but overthink. It’s literally to the point that I’m wondering whether this is the right field for me even though I really do like my job. Are there some techniques I can undertake to manage this? Or will it just take time?",Stress +48746,"Fluvoxamine I spoke to my GP about my SH, and she did a test thing for depression, anxiety and stress and it came back as moderate for depression, severe for anxiety and extremely severe for stress. + +She prescribed me an antidepressant - fluvoxamine - while we sort out a mental health plan and psychologist. + +Has anyone been on it? Do you have any advice? + +TIA",Stress +48747,"Having a bad day(s) It’s one of those day(s) where it feels like an anomaly. All day today, at work, I have been making mistakes left and right and scrambling to fix them as fast as possible. + +On top of that I am having the worst time understanding people as in just misinterpreting what people are saying and being confused with others’ communication. + +It’s making me feel so pent up and anxious and I don’t know what to do with all of this negative energy and anxiety. It feels like my body is going to explode and scatter everywhere. I just want it to end. Get whatever this is over and go back to normal.",Stress +48748,"Stress is mostly created by the people around us Do you all agree that stress is mostly created by the people around us? + +I had this one job that was not really that important but people were constantly bugging me but I have new job where I have to make split important decisions but people are very chill and my stress has gotten better.",Stress +48749,"Learn to love your body! [Invite](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/classes/meditation-to-love-your-body) an attitude of friendliness and gratitude towards your body, so you can accept and enjoy it just as it is.",Stress +48750,,Stress +48751,"why does overthinking and worrying so much destroy our goals? I agree I'm overthinking and an introvert. But I just do that because I just want to be on the right track and not make mistakes and then later regret. I'm learning that overthinking and worrying so much just leads to more stress and it actually destroys our mindset to achieve the goals that we set. It just leads to more misery because we feel more lost and confused and overwhelmed. + + +I'm actually enrolled in community college but I keep doubting my major and everyone seems to be going for higher education and certification. Everyone seems to be going for big money and comfort but I guess it's more about having stability future and growth. I feel lost too like I don't know what to do. I heard technology and business and law or stem are all good majors to get into. But me being now 26 and wasting like 5 years of my life. Feels as if I'm getting pressure to finish college so I can get a good job. I don't know",Stress +48752,"Feeling Tense | Here Are Some Solutions To Reduce Stress The first step in[stress management](https://deetsforyou.com/feeling-tense-here-are-some-solutions-to-reduce-stress/) is to recognize the signs of stress. However, recognizing stress signs may be more difficult than you believe. Most of us are so used to being stressed that we don’t realize we’re stressed until we’ve reached our breaking point.",Stress +48753,School stresses me out We had a chemistry quiz today. It isn’t that important since it won’t affect our grades in any way but i still feel bad about it. The quiz went kinda bad. When i talked with my classmates they told me that it was hard as well but I’m still stressed out about it because i very well know that some of the best students will get good grades. I feel worthless when I’m academically not successful because from my childhood it was the only way that i felt loved and accepted by other people but as i grow up it gets harder and harder and i keep putting 0 effort because it has always been easy for me. Or it used to be. I didn’t have to put effort to be successful but now it’s not the same. I feel like a failure and i feel so worthless. I’m scared of disappointing my chemistry teacher. She literally smiled at me when the exam was over. She’s definitely going to be disappointed. Im actually really stressed out rn.,Stress +48754,,Stress +48755,"Missing a week of college due to illness On Friday, I woke up with a fever and was tested for covid and then put in quarantine by Res Life. Luckily, I tested negative for covid but after talking to my doctor it appears I have a bad flu or some kind of viral infection. I live around 4.5 hours away from university and my dad picked me up and drove me home as soon as I had the covid scare so I wouldn't have to quarantine in the Quarantine and Isolation Housing dorm. I'm staying home for the week to recover from whatever I have and to see my doctor in person. +My professors all let me know what I'd be missing and where I can access work so I don't fall behind. It's so great to see my family again but I'm melancholy because I'm so stressed about missing school and sports practice plus my car and most of my belongings are at my school. The health center, res life, and the dean's office all know the situation but I'm worried that me missing class will come back to bite me when I return to school. College was already extremely stressful for me, especially with my busy sports schedule where I practice 3 nights in a row from 11 pm-12:30 am. +Is there any advice or coping mechanisms you can give me to help me get over this stress? + + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +Also, for reference, I'm a freshman (18 male) and I have a private dorm so I don't have a roommate but my dorm has hallway shared bathrooms, showers, laundry rooms, etc.",Stress +48756,"Tips to make you happier Hi guys, just want to leave here my wife's new video on some things that help her to be happy and might help you to be too. +So please always be kind and I hope it helps you to find new things to do or give you your own new ideas to do things that gets you there. +We were fighting depression and anxiety so it was a way to fight that so there's the reason for the video creation, and we hope you enjoy as we enjoy making it. + +[Tips to make you happier](https://youtu.be/nLIULXZ12pA)",Stress +48757,"I have a lot of stress problems, here’s the solution Hey everyone, I am a university student and I often have problems such as stress and not being able to focus when working. + +I found one solution for this and I wanted to share this with you, maybe it will work for you too. + +It is through listening to relaxing sounds in the background such as rain. We all know this sound and it is proven to have a calming effect on us. Here’s one channel I like, you might like it too. [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdtFV71px48CB0DOaPYTq9g](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdtFV71px48CB0DOaPYTq9g) + +Have a nice day :)",Stress +48758,"Changing Thoughts may cure anxiety and save your life I have seen a video named Stress is killing you by motivation 2 study + +but the idea is how you can change your thoughts",Stress +48759,"End of work day brain stops working I am a teacher (23 years), and this is a new phenomenon for me. At the end of the day, I literally can’t think. It’s happened in class and during a meeting I was leading this week. I know I am under a lot of stress- we are in FL and school was closed for the hurricane for a few days. The meeting was on Tuesday afternoon when we had already been told school was closing. Today at the end of the day, I felt so overwhelmed that I literally had to ask a student what his last name was for the office. + +Is this just regular stress or special hurricane related stress?",Stress +48760,"Gastrointestinal problems that don't go away Hey guys! + +These past 2 months have been very exhausting for me because I've been having gastrointestinal problems that just don't go away. I went to 2 different doctors and they give me medication and it's 80% ok while I take it but when I come off of them the symptoms appear again. I have stomach acid and I had some gallbladder problems, now I think I've developed IBS. I'm planning to go see a doctor again next week. + +I am really stressed and I feel burned-out because I do everything right and they don't want to go away. + +My hope is that it will get better after I move out for college on Sunday but that may not fix it, and there is a chance it will be worse. + +How do you handle stress? Have you had health problems that just didn't go away that easly? What did you do? What helped you?",Stress +48761,"Puss on throat from stress / anxiety..anyone else experience this? Puss on throat from stress / anxiety?? Anyone else?? + +Every so often when I’m stressing a lot I get a sore throat and puss growing. It’s not strep. +Just wondering if this happens to anyone else?? + +It’s really gross but sometimes I can stop it from happening if I feel a sore throat coming i calm myself down. + +It just happened again for the first time in a few years. + +It’s usually followed by a fever like full on sick.",Stress +48762,"Should I see my doctor? I'm new here, not diagnosed with any type of stress disorder. + +Long story short; I'm a 26 y/o female, in a happy relationship, enjoy my studies at uni and my student job. I have friends (not a lot, but I'm an introvert so that fits me) and a loving family. At the same time I have a few diagnosis - an eating disorder, OCD and borderline personality disorder. All of them something I've gotten treatment for, and I have under control. + +The reason for this post is new. Since my summer vacation ended a month ago, I've had this problem. Every time I sit down to do some studying I start crying. I can't concentrate and the more time passes, the farther behind I get. I have a hard time getting started with any task - studying, cleaning, getting to classes, being intimate with my partner, anything. Just writing these few lines have taking me half an hour to start, half an hour to write. + +My question for you guys is; Should I see my doctor about this? Or is this just a part of life, and not even a real problem? I don't feel like talking to the people around me about this, I don't want to worry them if I just need to get myself together... + +Hope to get some oppinions!",Stress +48763,"I'm forgetting what I am COMPLETELY talking about mid sentence. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I'm completely forgetting what I am talking about. Everything irritates me. I don't want to form sentences. I'm exhausted but I'm not talking physically. I just don't want to open my mouth at all. I can't communicate. My brain is fried. + +It's a little easier writing then speaking. + +I'm pronouncing words wrong. + +I am mostly communicating with my mom and she is so hard to talk to she cuts you off, gets upset if you dont agree and then never understands and so maybe I'm just so incredibly stressed because my subconscious is already expecting something strainous with communicating with her. + +Shes also over communicating like, I'm not getting any continuous space of silence from communication for a good period of time any day of the week. + +Which is not her fault but she does keep telling me things that are unnecessary like how she is going to go pick up the dog poop. I dont need a play by play of every single minor action. + +I need my brain to function a little better. + +But the forgetting what I am completely saying mid sentence do I have something wrong with my brain. + +Or is it stress?",Stress +48764,"How to stop getting angry and cope healthily? I’ve been putting it to the side thinking it’s not that serious and that i’ll be fine eventually. + +Well, for the past couple days everything is making me extremely angry and I never cry but I keep crying when I get too angry and then I feel sad. I haven’t dealt with sad feelings like this since I was a teenager. I know it’s stress causing it. I constantly feel a lump in my throat. It’s so scary because I thought I knew how to regulate my feelings. I mean at least I did for years. + +I want to just run away and hide alone and never see anyone again because i’m so frustrated. I need some tips on how to healthily deal with this before it’s too late. Thanks in advance :) + +Side note: I never take it out on anyone or anything like that. I’m scared I will snap someday and do that. That’s how my dad acts and I hate people who are like that and I really don’t want to be one of them.",Stress +48765,"What if Some Stress Actually Protects Your Body? Stress has been linked to all sorts of serious health issues, from insomnia to high blood pressure, obesity and even heart disease. But it’s generally acknowledged that some stress can also be helpful, like when someone’s chasing a work deadline. + +[But what if some level of stress can actually protect the body?](https://www.newswise.com/articles/what-if-some-stress-actually-protects-your-body) + +A new study by researchers at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, with findings published Sept. 26 in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, suggests the immune system may benefit from a measure of stress. + +“This one of the few studies showing that chronic stress could have beneficial effect instead of negative effect,” said senior author Fabio Cominelli, professor of medicine and pathology and associate dean for program development at the School of Medicine. “This was a little bit of a surprise for us.”",Stress +48766,"Stress relief Does anyone know the best ways to relieve stress that aren’t google search results? +(I.e: I don’t want to hear about exercise, eat healthy etc)",Stress +48767,"Stress and coping So I've been working now with a team of researchers to understand stress better. if you are 18+ and live in the US, please [check this link out.](https://tccolumbia.qualtrics.com/jfe1/form/SV_9uegPGUPSNcOcfQ) + +The study aside, it would be need to collect some resources here to cope with anxiety and stress. I really liked this [CPG grey vide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snAhsXyO3Ck&ab_channel=CGPGrey)o that came out i the pandemic as it relates to mental and physical health",Stress +48768,"can't handle anything I'm a highschool student, I live with my parents (not 18) +Average at math, good at science, biology is favourite. + +I've got friends, I've got supportive family, I've never been bullied. But the moment I think of school my anxiety and stress touches sky and I feel like I am not capable of anything. I feel like the social life or the social media ""swag"" is what makes me feel down, feeling like I'm no match for... Someone. Yes I'm stupid af. + +I stress way too much about school-""going to school"", ""am I looking good ENOUGH"" +I compare myself to i don't know what, the cool kids? nah I'm pretty friendly with them + +The backbenchers and class clowns? Nope, they're all chill with me and always talk with me. + +The big question here is what exactly I stress about and why.",Stress +48769,"Everything has fallen on me and I'm stressed out I'm already spread thin and stressed to the max. My husband is out of town for two weeks for family reasons and I feel overwhelmed with everything. We also haven't been apart for more than a few days in 9 years. + +The last few says have been especially rough. I've been having to drive home in the middle of the day to let our dog out and and give her meds. We have opposite schedules so he usually does those things before he goes to work. I don't always find parking again when I get back from taking care of her either. We adopted another dog right before he left too which I was hesitant to do. In just 3 days he's already needed to go to the vet twice. Once to look at his neuter incision and again later this week for what appears to be allergies or a virus. We have another dog who's been with us since before we got married. She's undergoing chemo treatment but is doing well. I worry about her catching something if he's sick. I've been sleeping on the couch the past few nights to keep him apart from her because she sleeps in our bedroom and he doesn't need to be jumping on the bed. He also wakes himself and me up multiple times a night because of his stuffy nose. On top of all that, I ran over a bunch of nails in the road and of course one got into my tire. I'm also struggling with school right now. + +I'm stressed and frustrated all around. My husband left to his dad's home country to bury him and spend two weeks with his family there. I'm glad he was able to go, but I feel bad that part of me is upset with him about leaving this long. I took on all the responsibilities we share plus extra so he could go. He hasn't even been gone a week yet. I don't know how I'm going to keep everything up until he gets back. My stress management techniques are poor. Other than sleeping, there's nothing that helps me alleviate stress.",Stress +48770,"Alcohol and other unealthy behavior when i deal with stress I'm an highly stressed person and when i have a hard week, i tend to +1. Tell myself i'm not good enough and that I should do things quicker +2. Drink at least once in à week +3. Do unhealthy behavior when drunk then regretting it + +I'm drinking enough to lose sight of space and time for two hours. + +I'm healthy, i'm only eating meals that I Cook with non transformated ingredients and i'm fit (i run and i go to the gym 3 times à week). I love school and what i do, but there's a lot of pressure because we have classes even on saturday. + +I can't really talk to anyone about this. I tried méditation for a month, but while i was on vacation so it was easier. And i won't talk about it to my family because when i had anxiety attack : +- my dad didn't take me seriously and said i was à crybaby and i was overly dramatic +- my mother has zero reaction or find à way to talk about herself to say in à more subtile way i'm à crybaby and that she had it harder than me. + +Do you have any recommandation? I won't Try again positive affirmations because it didn't work in the past.",Stress +48771,"How bad does stress have to be that I've lost 10 lbs in 2.5 weeks? I'm not dieting but my weight is dropping drastically. I feel like I'm maxed out. My eye is twitching, I feel like I could puke at any second. I'm so stressed.",Stress +48772,"Is it shown that being exposed to extreme stress levels frequently, builds higher stress tolerance levels? I hope I'm not on the wrong subreddit for this question. + +Kind of talking about like the quote, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' or something like that. + +I'm not sure, but I feel like I don't cope with stress too well. I can manage to study for long hours without tears or anything, but that is in the past. I feel like these days I'm feeling the pressure. + +I have a feeling that if I fail a question or something like that I just start to contemplate my life even after the exam. Even like I would get on the verge of tears if I didn't know something. Like if I fail the exam, I don't have good grades, then I don't go to a good university, then I don't get a job or either I get a job with little pay, people make fun of me, etc. + +Honestly makes me feel anxious, but even if I have coping techniques sometimes I still really wish I could just put myself into extremely stressful environments. But not like life-threatening events, I just want to put myself under immense, crippling stress when I do everyday basic things (like practicing an exam paper, or cleaning within a time limit). + +Sometimes I feel that its necessary for me to just stress myself out 24/7, then after that I'll develop a good stress tolerance or something like that. I just really wished I were one of those people who are extremely good at managing stress, and never shed a tear in a very long time (and I mean, years). + +To be honest, I know its sounds like I'm really self-sabotaging, but no matter how much I really want to pressure myself to the extremes, I have a feeling it probably isn't right for me. But then again, there's people around me (especially on the internet) who study for hours, or work for many hours, and probably do well under pressure. + +Just hope someone would answer this question for me.",Stress +48773,"I'm fucked and I am angry as fuck. My business got sealed. I have lost alot of money. It is not something I cant live without. I am rich but, nobody likes losing money. I am more angry then stressed. Fuck my country.",Stress +48774,"I'm at a theatre showing and I'm incredibly stressed I'm currently in the half way mark of the play, the break. I'm forcing myself to breathe, I'm shaking, I'm absolutely stressed out of my mind. The the lights in the theatre and the odd way people talk and move unsettles me deeply, I don't understand why. This has happened every time I went to the theatre, it as always caused me immense stress and I do not understand why.",Stress +48775,"I have a laundry leash of problems i cant really talk to anyone about Like the post says, i just have actual tangible problems i have to deal with day in and day out. The biggest problem is everyone involved in my life is some how apart of some of the problems so there is no one i can talk to all of it about. I hope that made sense, and if not it should after I explain it. + +Ill just list them plainly +We had to dig into savings and spend 5k on car repairs + +Came home to my roomate screaming at his ex girlfriend so i got in the middle of it and told her she doesnt have to deal with him again. i had to kick him out and thought i was gunna have to fight him in a bathroom + +My wife is getting a series of MRI to see if she will need brain surgery + +I take my grandfather for serious surgery oct 7th + +My mom is taking my other grandfather to get his other leg amputated an a month in a half + +My stepdad’s business is only breaking even this year and my mom isn’t handling it well so i cant really tell her about any of my problems + +I would tell my buddy about my problems but he is having major issues +With his wife and will prob get divorced in 5 years so he isnt in a place to hear my bullshit + +I work for myself so my job is inherently stressful day in and day out. + +And now im here typing all this on reddit bc i havent slept in 2 days bc every time i go to lay down my brain does the math on bill i already know i have money for over and over again. + +TLDR i have a lot of problems cant tell anyone about and just stressed out. Its cool to ask me literally anything if anyone has actually read this. Just figuring out what to do with the extra 8 hours i get a day now. My life isnt bad and we arent homeless or addicts or anything. Just a lot of stuff outside my control i have to grind and deal with every day. I with I actually had interpersonal problems to deal with instead of this shit honestly. It would be a lot better to have heart ake right now",Stress +48776,"These headaches don't go away when they come on from stress. I feel great in the morning. Get to work and all the stress from stupidity and absolute zero communication stresses me to the point of migraine level headaches. Now I'm laying in a dark room and my head is pounding. Ibuprofen does nothing, nor any type of headache painkiller. I escalate these issues and it falls on deaf ears. I need a headache hack.",Stress +48777,"stress is causing pelvic pain had this problem for about three months and the doctors have boiled it down to stress, i don’t know how to destress? im losing hair and have (sorry for tmi) numbness during sex because of it.. + +i cant think of a specific thing thats causing me stress and all my doctor said was to practice mindfulness, please help :(",Stress +48778,Does anyone else get sick when they are stressed? As in actually physically sick? I don't think I'm the only one but I kind of feel like it.,Stress +48779,,Stress +48780,"Jacobson's progressive muscle relaxation video Hello :) + +I've made a little relaxation video, which might help you to find a little calm in the midst of chaos. + +It's actually based on Jacobson's progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) which is a scientifically based and easy-to-learn deep relaxation technique. In the video we will briefly tense one muscle group after another, followed by a relaxation phase. The interaction between physical and mental tension and thus relaxation is the focus and should help you find the relaxation you are looking for. + +I hope it helps you :) All the best + +[Progressive Muscle Relaxation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7ocXcLxprc)",Stress +48781,"Anyone figured out stress yet? I'm a mid 30's man with a somewhat stressful job and feels like I can't keep stress under control. I have high BP and just the smallest thing sends me into a spiral. I try everything, meditation, exercise (have lost 50 pounds so far), yoga, eating healthy. I go to the doctor and I get that sense of ""impending doom"" and my BP goes through the roof. I feel 100% fine in the moment, I am chill and relaxed as a cucumber, but I Think subconsciously my body is freaking out? I assume this is stress. I know white coat syndrome is real, but when I go in the dr's office it happens without fail. and of course my BP reading is high. I just wish I could control my mind LOL. My dr. did tests to see if my cortisol levels are off, and they are perfect. Bloodwork is perfect.They did MRI's of my heart, probably a half dozen other tests to check if my heart is okay, and it is. Which tells me this is likely stress related BP. I am doing so well health wise, and with the weight loss I thought I'd see more progress in stress relief, but it is still happening and my BP still spikes due to stress. It's like my body is triggered ridiculously by it, and I wish there was a magic button to fix it. Is there anything you all do that maybe I could try that I am not trying? I have googled my a$$ off trying to find the solutions, but I feel they just say to ""manage stress"" and it's not that easy for some of us. I go for 1-2 walks a day, I exercise, I eat healthy and try to avoid inflammatory foods. I have been sleeping well, at least my fitness tracker says so. I do not know what else I could possibly do but I am hoping I can find that thing that works for me. Thank you all.",Stress +48782,impending doom I keep having to this feeling of impending doom. No matter what I try it always seems to flood back in. There’s always this feeling of fear and anxiousness that haunts me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. What should I do?,Stress +48783,"Overworked, wedding planning and not sleeping So these past few weeks I’ve pretty much lost control over my emotions. I’m in a constant state of confusion and stress but I also feel like a zombie. + +My job is the main source of this. It’s hard to explain but I’ll give it a go. This is a temporary job that was supposed to last from March 2021-September 2021, but it has gotten extended multiple times and now our end date is set for February 2022. I work for a company that is contracted through to state to do Covid vaccinations. Our team does only mobile clinics and I am in charge of logistics. This means I am in charge of the vaccine storage, supplies storage, supply packing, supply chain, receiving vaccine shipments, keeping inventory and such. I am the only person who does this job at our location. I am required to get each team ready and pack supplies and vaccine before the clinic and to return everything once the teams return. This schedule has been ruining my sleep. For instance, Wednesday I will finish work at 9:30pm. I will be back at work Thursday at 5:30am, but I won’t be done with work until 10pm, all to be back at work again at 5am Friday morning. I’m working 6 days a week, not getting more than 5 hours of sleep on the average. + +Oh and I’m getting married in less than 3 weeks. I’m constantly forgetting things, my performance at work is struggling and my mental state is awful. I tried to get out of a moving car on the highway the other night. I’ve cried everyday the past week. I’m angry, irrational and miserable. I’m barely eating, I’m averaging 10000 steps a day and still gaining weight. My family and my partner have begged me to take a day off. But if I take a day off it won’t actually be a day off. Nobody else knows how to do my job in total. Whenever I’ve taken off before it always means more stress when I return, or they’ll just contact me while I’m off, because they don’t know what to do especially if it’s an unplanned absence. + +I am hoping to take the entire week of my wedding off and I need to train my boss before that happens. He doesn’t know how to do my job at all and he said he is covering for my wedding. Do I follow my familys’ advice and call in sick for a day or just stick it out for the next 2 weeks and hope I don’t end up dead?",Stress +48784,"I am officially broken Im in a city where most of my family resides, but I’m homeless because i’d rather be alone than be around negative people. + +It’s been a few months since i chose this path and I’ve been strong the entire way through it, until now. + +Just got out of a short relationship that was bit toxic for my taste. She was basing our relationship off of shall we say, physical aspects. + +I just found out on top of that, she was fucking her ex while we’ve been talking and just yesterday she told me that she believes she may be pregnant by her ex, but it’s too early to take a pregnancy test. + +So, I acted normal let the conversation flow as it would over the phone until we finished and, I could not stop thinking about what she had just told me. + +Next day i told her we should brake up, we did. She blamed everything on me. I kept my cool, explained how i felt. I was ignored. + +So, i created distance so i could heal. + + +But i’ve come to the conclusion that i don’t want to heal, i just want this to end. Ive never been more ready to end my life until today, not because of the break up, but because of everything. The condition of the world, our future, the situation with my family. Not being able to find and get a place of my own and stuck in a city i absolutely hate. + +Ive been strong, but now i just don’t give a fuck. I thought life was meant to be worth living?",Stress +48785,"Overwhelmed and stressed all the time I (28F) feel overwhelmed with day-to-day work and life. On weekends, I can’t stop thinking about work and chores during the week and on weekdays I can’t stop planning for the weekend. My partner helps me out with chores and we have a system now, but I had this problem even when I was living alone. I workout almost everyday and travel to work twice a week. I don’t think my work or travel tire me out, but i feel constantly overwhelmed with all types of work. My vitals and energy levels seem to be fine. + +First half of my day is usually buy and I have early dinner everyday (7pm). After dinner is my relaxing time but I am too tired to relax and spend quality time with my partner after that. I feel like I demand too much from myself and feel bad if I miss a chore, a workout, or don’t eat meals as per my weekly plans. Oh yes, I make weekly meal and workout plans! I have been this way for as long as I know. + +It is very stressful and I just want to chill the fuck out and not be so stressed and overwhelmed about work. I want to enjoy life and not have such a regimented lifest",Stress +48786,,Stress +48787,"Overstressing everything Hey, joined this community just now since I kinda need some life advice, from anyone. + +I've always been stressing out a lot over various things, but as of recently I started to realise that it has taken over my life in various ways. + +For example, even as of recently I was supposed to drive a group of friends to a theme park. Just a fun day, but the responsibility of driving my friends there somehow made me insanely nervous, even though I was ""calm inside"" if that makes sense. As a result I slept 0 hours in total. Melatonin didn't work, meditating did nothing, breathing exercises did nothing, my mind just kept on racing. +(p.s. a friend drove in my car for me, I'm not driving on 0 hrs of sleep) + + +It's not just that single event though. School days cause stress, tests cause stress, even having a totally free day but having to receive a package the next day causes sleep issues and stomach aches. +When doing things I'm always thinking about the worst thing that could happen, and what if that would happen, even if the chances are minimal, which only adds up to the stress. +Idk anymore, should I visit a psychiatrist? Like what do you do here? This has been ongoing for at least 10 years now, I'm currently 22 and this has to stop + +thnx :)",Stress +48788,"My physics class is wringing me out The more weeks go by, the more helpless I feel about this course. I hate the professor, I hate the lab partners, I hate the TAs, I hate the activities and homework we have to do and I hate physics the most. + +I never had a sturdy foundation in physics anyways. The only reason i managed with physics in high school was because I memorized most of the solutions and most of the problems were similar to the other problems I practiced. Besides, my tutor was good at helping me learn. + +I'm doing an introductory physics course this semester, and I feel so absolutely dumb. We're supposed to work in groups to complete activities and every week we are given a set of problems for homework. The professor adds a set of puzzles at the end of every assignment to supposedly promote logical thinking and spatial reasoning or whatever. + +The thing is I never really liked physics in the first place, but not I hate it. The labs are for two hours, I can't understand a single concept and the people in my group are so snide and rude about the fact that they understand the class and I can't. I remember asking for help about a homework problem to them on Discord, and I would have been grateful if they had given me a few hints about how they solved that problem, but all they did was send the wrong answers and made a bunch of memes about how they trolled me. One of the guys is so arrogant about how he took AP Physics and he knows all of the concepts and is so good at physics. + +Meanwhile I can't even do a single problem independently. The professor also gives a bunch of puzzles like kenkens or spatial reasoning problems that I'm too dumb to do and I'm doing the worst in that class. It's just too much for me. + +Aside from that course, I'm in computer science and while my other classes aren't as awful, they're also pretty difficult. Plus, I have work study, and most of my work hours coincide with the office hours. I still have to take the course as a requirement and I feel like I'm going to fail. I get panic attacks every night thinking about it and I can't deal with it anymore.",Stress +48789,"Recently I’ve been incredibly critical about getting school work done way ahead of time, but now it’s just getting ridiculous (Canadian college student btw) I used to be the complete opposite. I would do assignments a couple days before it was due and have zero stress + +However recently I’m getting assignments done WEEKS ahead of time, which I’m proud of tbh. I’m taking my education more seriously, and It’s like a need to get it done with better quality, thus making more time for myself and picking up extra shifts at my retail job. + +…but now it’s just getting ridiculous. We’re not even in week 3 and I’m stressing about getting an assignment done on time for week 6. I literally cannot fall asleep some nights because I’m thinking too much about it. + +How tf do I deal with this? How do I convince myself that it’ll get done, and it doesn’t have to be done right in this moment?",Stress +48790,Our life is one big ball of stress and I’m overwhelmed! Our lives are in turmoil due to many factors but lately my husband’s concussion and brain injury issues have completely put a stretch on our stress limits. I’m not sure where to go or what to do. He’s very upset over his situation and feels like I don’t understand which of course I do not understand it completely but I have a different set of stressors related to this situation. The problem is that our lives had a lot of stress prior to his injury so it’s just too much. I try not to let on how stressed I am because he obviously is in a worse state that me. He won’t talk about things much and when I try to help him he says I’m making it worse and smothering him. He feels that because I have a background working with people with developmental issues I should just know what to do for him but it is way different when it’s your husband versus a client. I just need to help alleviate some stressors in our life- where do i start!,Stress +48791,"Extremely stressed, very low sleep, very worried, but not depressed at least So I started talking to a girl whos away right now. I have a date with her getting planned. She is in a different state right now though where as I am across the ocean, so a heavy time difference. Cant really talk to her because of this. In the next while, my work (military related) will be conducting 24 hr ops so I will be working at least 12 hour shifts. Found out I have to wait to advance my career this week, got ghosted when trying to buy a car, and lost 75% of the sleep I need to function. I’ve been functioning on 2 to 4 hours most days. Oh and, work was extra crazy in prep for me this week aswell. + +That’s aside from the regular person stress ofc. + +I need more sleep and to “chillax” but in a weird twisted way, this has been an extremely entertaining week for me. + +Any advice or ideas would be much appreciated however + +Edit: call is healthy stress as you may, but maybe a little too much healthy stress",Stress +48792,"I am falling apart. I've truly never felt this overwhelmed before. I 19 (F) just started a nursing program and work almost full time. I just moved a few months ago into my first apartment and on top of that got a new car. I ended up leasing because it was my best option but, it is a lot to take on and I had to because my old car was 25 years old and falling apart. I have been sleeping 5 hours a night on average, struggling to work enough to pay my bills, and studying every waking moment of every day every chance that I get. I have a job that is stressful and my manager doesn't respect or appreciate the 4 employees he has and is about to lose them. Does not get that I cannot work 60 hours a week anymore and I cannot teleport from class to work (30 minute away) immediately as class is over. + +It is week 3 and I have lost 15 pounds. Most of the time I don't know where i'm at or what i'm doing. My hair is falling out, i'm nauseous, have no appetite, not sleeping, confused. I generally feel either nothing at all or I am crying and I feel like I and my life is falling apart. Will this get better?",Stress +48793,Depression due to resign. Hello folks. I really do some help & advices from u all. I worked in a IT Company for almost 6 months & I decided to quit my job with a gut feel to leave the company at the end of the month anyhow. Cause I was never treated well there. Had to overtime for a low pay. Did covered of the absence colleagues job due to project completion on time & many more. Now it has been almost 15 days from the resign date and still I feel like am working there and always the toxic thoughts of the company runs over my mind. Am like mentally affected please can someone give advice. Thanks for your precious time,Stress +48794,"Anyone else feeling tingles on scalp? Recently I’ve been feeling a tingle sensation on the top of my head. I read that it’s linked to stress and anxiety. + +Anyone else get that aswell?",Stress +48795,,Stress +48796,"The Personalized Trial for Stress Management is currently recruiting for a virtual, at-home Personalized Trial for Stress Management Do you suffer from stress? Are you interested in seeing if common stress interventions can improve your stress levels? Click **here** to learn more about how an at-home Personalized Trial may help: [https://www.personalizedhealth.org/stress](https://www.personalizedhealth.org/stress)",Stress +48797,,Stress +48798,"Anti-stress device research Hello all, + +we are a group of university students who are in the process of creating a functional prototype for patients with heart disease and/or anxiety disorders, as well as for people who lead a stressful lifestyle. + +It is a relatively small wearable device placed on your chest that allows you to start a vibration in the chest area in the event of a panic attack to calm the heart, thereby helping you to more easily achieve cardiac coherence, which is proven to calm the organism. + +We would like to ask you to fill out this questionnaire: [https://forms.gle/xeWQ86D3BxXxtYMs8](https://forms.gle/xeWQ86D3BxXxtYMs8) + +Thank you a lot",Stress +48799,,Stress +48800,"im over thinking everything i'm a 18 (F) freshmen in college, I have been going to this library on campus for the past few days there has been this recurring guy (im assuming 18/19) that I have seen every time (we have never spoken but have made a lot of eye contact) I have been there. there have been some time where the library was packed and I had to sit at the same table as him and vice versa today I was sitting alone at this table that me and him have sat at together a few times and he came over and sat at this table with one of his friends. + +Eventually one of my friends showed up and soon after his friend left (this left, me, my friend and him at a table that seats 4 people) soon after one of my other friends showed up so all the stats at the table where filled. we where all just working quietly for around an hour. after that hour he later left and my friends left soon after. I spent another hour there by myself finishing up some work + +I am a big glancer I look around a lot whenever I am doing something so this has caused me and this boy to make a lot of eye contact. when I was taking a break from my work I saw him coming back into the building me and him made eye contact and he quickly walked away this was a bit of a surprise because he usually sits down + +I assumed that he either wanted the table for himself or he had some friends coming and needed a bigger table. so I moved seats I got up and went to a single table. I went to go fill up my water bottle after I placed my stuff down at the new table, when I was walking back to my new table I made eye contact with him again because he was walking the same direction. + +I sat down at my new table and put my AirPods in assuming that he moved to the table that sat 4 people, out of the corner of my eye I saw him walk up to my table. I took my AirPods out and he asked me ""hey, you didn't move seats because of me right?"" with ought even thinking I just quickly shook my head and said ""oh no!"" before I could say anything else he said ""ok I was just making sure, have a nice day"" and he walked away. + +I ended up soon leaving after just beacuse there was no way I could focus after all of that but now im worried I have scared this boy off and ill never see him at the library anymore. I really dont know what to think I was hoping you guys would be able to give your options",Stress +48801,"How do I over come this This probably the worst week i had till date in my life. +It all started last Thursday i didn't arrive to my job at the right timings because of rains and traffic delays, kept forgetting some jobs and had to work Sundays to stay up-to-date, made a mistake which will cost me around 200usd, stress at its peak, a girl i really like just quit her job to pursue education, i was tested positive for covid and then i got tested again it was luckily negative but i have fever and cough no salary yet because I opted to change my home branch to another and it's not yet completed and i have a shit Ton of work again now why me?.",Stress +48802,"need some advice asap Hello there. I am a 22 years old female who stresses with every single thing. I was always just like that, but the last year...stress is really destroying my life! I am at the senior year of my studies and right now I am giving my final exams and I just can't handle this. I have to give a tone of exams because I skipped them due to my fear of black out the time they ask me something. The last time I just burst into tears. This is awful because I really try... Really! I know everything they ask me and I just can't answer it, I can't my mind stops working. Plus it is very ugly to have my teachers see me in this situation. This is not their problem but mine's and I don't have a clue what to do . Please tell me if there's a way dealing with it generally but especially with if there are some tricks to deal with it while giving exams.",Stress +48803,"stress I lost my wallet... so stress. Ok goodnight. + +And i hope to find it tmr..",Stress +48804,"Why are some people care free and others can’t stop stressing? I feel like I’m always surrounded by people who seem to be so care free. They never worry about anything and wave their hand at any problem they seem to come across. Basically the “who cares, if it happens it happens” mindset. It makes me envy those people because I feel like I’m always worried about every scenario and “what if this what if that?” Is it possible to change into that mindset of not caring or worrying about something until or when it happens? I’ve tried so many times but can’t seem to get there. My mind is over analyzing every possible scenario 24/7 and idk how to stop. I feel like if I come across a situation that is out of my control, my mind just freaks out and I loose sleep and over analyze every possible scenario and the only way to be calm is to not be in that situation to begin with.",Stress +48805,I’m so behind on my work So at the moment we’re dealing with unprecedented volumes of mail (I’m a postman). It’s common knowledge that it’s hard at the moment and will take a lot longer than usual. I am dealing with a lot of backlog and it seems to just keep building every day. I do get some help sometimes it I think I’ll have to speak to a manager about getting some more. I’ve also got to keep on top of it and make decisions on what I will take out which day which is stressing me out. I won’t be able to do it all in a day so I will have to deliver different sections on a rotational basis. I have always struggled with backlog but everyone else in the office seems to catch up or stay on top of it no problem. I feel like not going in next week and letting someone else deal with it,Stress +48806,"im not stressed but my body says otherwise im 22 recently graduated from college doing my internship in nursing. + +ive always thought my stress levels are ok but since for years i’ve noticed that + +- cant seem to beat fungus (skin and vaginal) even though i rarely get sick +- i have irritable bowel syndrome (stress related nothing inflammatory) +- my hair falls excessively. + +u think im stressed? idk",Stress +48807,"Chronic stress - feeling hopeless I’ve always been an anxious person and have always had phobias, particularly of vomiting. + +In 2019 I had a nervous breakdown triggered by an adverse gastric reaction to an antibiotic. I have not been the same since. I have been in therapy and on meds ever since with no change. In fact I think I’m worse. I’m so frightened of everything. My ocd is awful. Panic attacks frequent. Tremors and shaking bad. + +I also have a lot of somatic symptoms - chronic pelvic pain with suspected endo, neck pain, TMD/teeth clenching leading to frequent migraines, IBS, back pain. I’ve just been diagnosed with oral thrush, my doctor suspects from severe stress. + +I see a physio, a TMD specialist, a psychiatrist, a therapist, I’ve tried somatic experiencing therapy, emdr, tre - I’m exhausted honestly. I journal, I read, I meditate, I cry, I dance, I walk, I get out in nature - all things I do naturally, not forced but that should help. + +I just don’t know how to break the cycle. I have no hope left. The only times in the last three years where I’ve felt the most like myself was during lockdowns. I don’t know how to use that information to help myself now. Or if I really just want to be a recluse as that’s how I ultimately feel safest which isn’t healthy at all.",Stress +48808,,Stress +48809,"Stress to the max.... Dog related I need someone to talk to, this will be a long chat because of the store behind it.... anyone welling to help would be great.... Dog 🐕 is involved.",Stress +48810,,Stress +48811,"stressing the f**k out!!!! i have a lot of court stuff ccoming up and i am absolutely at my breaking point right now... nothing has helped so far, what do i do?",Stress +48812,"Is it safe to go for a swim during night? I would like to escape reality as much as possible for the time being due to work-related stress. I was forced to become a supervisor and now I have more responsibilities, direct contact with the managers who will scald me, and incompetent employees that get ME in trouble! I have had a nervous breakdown in the lavatory and I just want to escape reality for the time being. + + +Bike riding is my favorite hobby and not even this can help me. + + +I did not ask to be a supervisor, I was FORCED to become the supervisor. I hate my job!",Stress +48813,"high level of stress and anxity cause morning urination Hello, I am a 28-year-old man, with good health. I have been suffering from an increase in urination of dilute urine, especially in the early morning. I did all the tests for blood tests for hormones, liver, kidneys and heart, such as radiographs and blood tests, but the internal doctors and nephrologists and endocrine did not find any problems I have, including diabetes, as the cumulative and daily blood sugar levels are very excellent, could the cause be anxiety or excessive stress cause this , has any of you experienced something similar?",Stress +48814,"Head pressure, dry eye & anxiety I’ve been posting my journey for the last 2 years as these symptoms came on abruptly and to this day have never left. The symptoms are as follows: 24/7 head pressure mainly in the top back of my head, insanely dry eyes especially when looking at screens (nothing has helped), feels like my head is spasming and my eyes are shaking. Absolutely nothing resolves this completely ever however I notice when I don’t focus on them and I’m occupied I don’t really necessarily notice the symptoms. If I’m not occupied the symptoms feel much more apparent and worse. + +I did use Klonapin for a year so maybe the dry eye or some of these shakes are side effects of stopping that a few months ago but the head pressure existed even before I started the Klonapin. + +Does anyone have the same or similar symptoms? I feel it’s ridiculous to just have to live with this and I’ve read enough that there’s a ton of people experiencing this so maybe we can all share what helps to resolve this altogether. Thanks guys",Stress +48815,"Stress relief entertainment M4F talking someone through anxiety + +Soft spoken + + +https://youtu.be/3VKumyr41yw",Stress +48816,"1 Hour Soothing Rain sound - Relaxing Rain Sound - Relax and Sleep - Release Stress 1 Hour Soothing Rain sound - Relaxing Rain Sound - Relax and Sleep - Release Stress + +Please like, share and subscribe :) + +&#x200B; + +[https://youtu.be/wHf5aIU1U4s](https://youtu.be/wHf5aIU1U4s)",Stress +48817,"I can't take it anymore I just want one day off where I'm not pulled into work bullshit. Just one! I'm the only person on my project, I've been begging for more people but I've been told either ""we'll have people next week"" or ""the person fell through"". I just broke down crying after being pulled into work stuff for 2.5 hours. I put in for PTO. It was approved. I'm supposed to be able to relax today but nope just MORE MORE MORE GIVE GIVE GIVE. + +My hair has been falling out, my period is all out of whack, I've gained like 15 pounds and I'm exhausted all the time. I just can't take the stress anymore...",Stress +48818,"It’s theoretical that I have stress based seizures and have some questions about stress medication I’ve heard a little about stress medication being antidepressants and such a thing doesn’t actually work, it has little to no effect. Does anyone here use stress meds that actually help. I take Ashwagandha chewables and they help a little but clearly not enough",Stress +48819,"How can I help my partner? She's not been in college very long, but I can tell she's already way way too stressed and exhausted. All I want is to help her so she's even just a little bit happier I just want to help her. I'm a high school senior, and she's a freshman at a nearby college. I'm scared though, because she's so pissy and stressed and exhausted ever since she started going there. I just wanna help.",Stress +48820,"Stress pain/hangover? I pulled two 16hr days in a row and have been operating at full capacity the last few weeks and now I can't seem to wake up without feeling dog tired and my body is on pins and needles with intense muscle fatigue. It's Thursday, we still got one more work day and I have some freelance and house chores to get through but I'm moving slow. Likely from barely moving from my desk lately but damn does it suck - looking forward to getting back to the gym tomorrow to work out all that gross stuck feeling. Any other tips on what to do to reset?",Stress +48821,"Can't stop being anxious 18y: I'll stop feeling extremely anxious all the time when I got accepted by a college +19y: I'll stop feeling extremely anxious all the time when I graduate +22y: I'll stop feeling extremely anxious all the time when I get a job at my field +1 month later: I got a job at my field, but I'm still extremely anxious, feeling that It's not enough and I need to improve more + +How can I apreciate my self-grown and stop being so demanding with myself? +If I keep going that way, I'll only stop being anxious when I'm dead.",Stress +48822,My fave stress management tool One of my favorite things for stress is regular use of Nuvita CBD. It’s a total game changer for how I perceive and handle stress in my life. Here’s my affiliate link and discount code if you wanna check it out. [Discount code: Hummingbird](https://nuvitacbd.com/?als=6062),Stress +48823,Happy | Energetic Music For Peace music to destress to. ENJOY,Stress +48824,,Stress +48825,"i think i have a stress problem i find myself either always thinking and over thinking things, or crying about things i can’t change and it always leaves me extremely stressed out all the time. + + -things that stress me out everyday- + +- the way i look +-the way my skin feels/looks with makeup on +-the fact my skin never gets better no matter how much i wash it +- my hair. how dry my hair is today. if it looks right +- how much water i’ve drank today. when to drink water +-what i’ve ate today. if i’ve ate too much +-bloating. why i’m always bloated, how to fix this issue +-the fact i can’t drive +-the fact i can’t leave home because i can’t drive +-my friends hang out without me everyday +- the way i look (again) + +these are things that run through my mind every single day and they stress me out so bad. this is what my mind looks like 24/7 and i don’t know how to stop stressing out over these things",Stress +48826,"Soothing music for stress For me, listening to music is a powerful tool to combat stress. I love having chilled, ambient music playing especially when I'm working. I decided to make my own chilled music over the past year and it has been a great help. So for anyone who likes relaxing music, I hope this piece set alongside lovely sunrise visuals will be useful for you :) + +https://youtu.be/0zGvwg0hjlA",Stress +48827,"Laughing and smiling when less stressed All my life I've been stressed, but today I was sitting in a quiet room for a while, ate a popsicle, and then I suddenly started smiling and laughing, like I couldn't control it. It feels like a lot of weight has been lifted. Is this normal?",Stress +48828,"Stress when working It's hard to explain, I'm guessing its some sort of stress, but I can't figure out how to get over it. A little background. Before the beginning of Covid Lockdowns (like right before) I had a major breakdown and went into severe depression. My sister was about to go through a life saving organ transplant (which went well), I had someone break up with me, I had 2 major career defining projects I was leading that weren't going well, and I was suffering from a torn labrum which stopped me from doing a hobby I loved. All of this happening in the span of about a week. + +It took me a long time to get out of my depression. I took medication, stopped worrying as much about having a great career, learned meditation and practiced it daily, found a new hobby, and tried enjoying life more over the span of the pandemic. I decided to make it a point to get away from my previous job as it caused me a major amount of stress. They overworked me, and the pay wasn't great for the amount of responsibilities put on my shoulders. + +It took me nearly 1.5 years to finally land a new job and leave that job behind. I have fantastic bosses at my new job, they pay me well and make sure that I'm compensated for my overtime whenever that is necessary (which isn't often). The only complaint I have about my job is it's a bit boring and not very challenging (or at least it shouldn't be). + +Now here's my major problem. I'm falling behind on my work and not learning at the speed I use to when starting a new job. I'm having difficulties learning all the systems and parts even though most of my job is just surveying equipment, and designing simple parts and cable assemblies. + +Every time I start on a new task or job, I start experiencing a dull stress and what I think is ""brain fog"". It feels like the top of my brain just hardens, and I get a mild headache. Over the day it drains me, but once I get off work I start quickly recovering. + +I use to thrive doing challenging work and continually learning new things in my field. Now I just feel tired all the time. I'm tired of feeling like this. I've asked for more challenging tasks from my boss and I get them, but it doesn't help. + +I just want to feel unburdened again at work.",Stress +48829,"Stress Triggers The main factor in determining how stressful a situation or event is for you is how you interpret and perceive it. #stress #sadness #worry + +https://onlinemkt.org/stress-triggers/",Stress +48830,"Managing Stress **STRESS..…STRESS…STRESS…STRESS…STRESS…..STRESSED!** + +**Why do you think in this 21st century, from a child going to preschool to a retired person experiencing stress?** + +*DID YOU KNOW?* As per the world health organization, 1 in every 5 persons (20% of the population) in India are said to be suffering from some form of mental unrest. + +The world is running towards success and accomplishment. During this; we compromise on our health, sleep, food, relationships, and ultimately ourselves. Stressors are increasing which in turn results in stress! + +YOU MAY ASK, WHAT DOES STRESS DO TO ME??? + +Well, do you have headaches, upset stomach, chest pain, loss of sleep, and high BP? Then, you have stress! Stress can increase your chances of having a heart attack by 25%, heart diseases by 40%, and stroke by 50%. Stress can lead to memory problems, inability to concentrate, poor judgment, negative thoughts, inability to relax, general unhappiness, and a sense of loneliness. Below are given some ways you can overcome your stress. + +**EASY TIPS TO MANAGE STRESS** + +Every individual has their own style of dealing with stress. However, there are basic guidelines for dealing with stress. Here they are- + +* **Reframe** the stressor to see a whole new picture. + +During a stressful situation explain the situation on a lighter note to yourself. Remind yourself to see life as continuous learning. Look at the positive side! + +* Failure is a stepping stone to success. +* You failed so what? Get over it. +* There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. + +* **Journal writing is a voyage to the interior.** + +Maintain a stress journal. Identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with them. Each time you feel stressed, keep track of it in your journal as you keep a daily log, you will begin to see patterns and common themes. + +Write down- + +* What caused your stress (make a guess if unsure) +* How you felt, both physically and emotionally +* How you acted in response +* What you did to make yourself feel better. +* **Test your thoughts.** + +When something stressful happens. Assess what the outcome of the situation like its irrelevance, positivity, accuracy and the truth behind it. Like what am I think? Is it true? Could there be another way to look at this situation?. + +* **Manage your time**. Stress is managed by simply planning your day well in advance. Like maintaining a weekly planner with all the deadlines, meetings, appointments, family time and most importantly don’t forget to throw some ‘**me time’** in there too. +* You **can’t control everything**. + +Learn to let go of things over which you don’t have a control. Without forgiveness, we experience stress in a more raw, unblocked way. When in a distressing situation, pause, take slow deep breaths and tell yourself ‘**it’s okay’ I can move on.** + +* **Count your blessings.** A powerful **antidote to** [**stress.**](http://www.cadabamshospitals.com/) + +Learn to be grateful for what you have even if you feel it’s not enough. Tell yourself, I am strong and I will put my 100%. + +* **Take time to relax**. **Ten minutes of quiet meditation** a day is powerful medicine. You can pray, listen to relaxing music or just simply focus on your breathing. Guided imagery, clinical [**hypnosis**](https://www.psychologytoday.com/therapy-types/hypnotherapy), and biofeedback are all useful for managing stress. + +If none of the above works for you, then it is a good idea you get diagnosed with a good psychologist who can best help you in giving the right treatment for managing your stress.",Stress +48831,"crying when stressed? Does anybody else cry as a stress response after a period of stress or anxiety? I find that often happens to me when I'm alone or in a dark place - literally. + +For example, I just came back from the cinema with my mother, and while watching the movie in a dark and safe place, the tears just started flowing, probably releasing all the built up tension from the last week. + +Problem is, that Mum noticed this and thinks there's something wrong with me now and ended up telling me to get over whatever I'm thinking about, but I'm fine. She doesn't understand that it's just a way my body gets rid of all the extra pressure and tension. + +My mind must find cinemas very relaxing...",Stress +48832,"My life is about to change 5 days from today, my life is about to change. While this may or will be a good move for me, I am majorly stressed out due to this change. Some background, over a year ago, the company that I currently work for, announced that they will be laying off staff at my location and moving operations back to a HUGE city that I personally didn’t want to move back to, so I chose to take my 21 years of service severance package and will be moving further west to the coast. This past year has had issues nonetheless, due to the company stalling our end of work date consistently, which was due to supply chain issues from the Pandemic, which the company didn’t foresee when they announced the layoff and/or work transfer notice. This “stall” has caused a lot of stress on myself and my co-workers with not knowing when we’d all be getting the axe. The company had us all dangling from one meeting to another, when finally, at the end of last May, they announced that our end of work date will be at the end of this August. During this year long “wait” with not knowing when our actual end date would be, the lady whom I rented my basement room from, took it upon herself and just “guessed” that my end of work date would be sometime last May, and basically evicted me out of the basement, however she offered me to stay in another room in the house. She did this so she could get more money from a family of three who moved into the basement last May from the UK. This was an annoyance, however I do get on very well with the family, who are really cool people. I did a massive purge and downsized a lot of my belongings, which what is left, fits snuggley into my vehicle. I can’t afford to hire a moving truck or get a hitch put on my car and pay for a uhaul trailer…so minimizing was the way to go. With finally knowing my actual end date, I could now start prepping for my move further west to the coast. I applied for school, got in and start in September. My finances are “f’k’d” to say the least, I have had to sink ALOT of money into getting my vehicle road trip ready, and due to this, has left me very short on cash with funding this road trip/move. I needed to get a “temp” place which allows dogs, where the college is, and seeing how I don’t know a soul in and around that area, I opted to book an air bnb for the moth of September and 1st week of October. This air bnb is pretty pricey. However, I felt I have no choice but to go there and start looking for a dog friendly place when I get there. I applied for another credit card but was denied due to a “fraud alert” on my credit report from 4 years ago when I got my vehicle broken into and my purse was stolen. I went and got and paid for the police record, supplied my passport and driver’s license as photo I.d, and got copies of them all and gave it to the bank where I applied for the credit cards over a week ago. The bank lady sent these copies to the department that issues credit cards, but they didn’t read her “notes” and see the attached files. 😑 the Airbnb payment is due this Thursday, and I was starting to panic. I asked a family member to help me out to no shagrin. 😑 luckily, a very good friend of mine has loaned me the money, knowing I will be getting a HUGE severance payout in mid September. thank god. *whew!* still waiting on my own bank to transfer this Airbnb money to my large credit card, so I can pay the Airbnb. I am hoping that happens today or tomorrow. I got a finally fix done on my vehicle yesterday, and while driving I noticed a strange noise, so I will have to go back there to have it looked at. Seeing how this is my last week of work, my time is stretched. Ugh. Anyhow, thanks to all who have read, thanks for comments if you leave one. On wards to the west/wet coast!",Stress +48833,Neurologist says im under “severe stress” but i dont feel like it. i (20/f) keep getting diagnosed with severe depression + anxiety and told that stress is the cause for many of my medical conditions (thyroid/high bp) but i simply cannot feel it. i am not denying that i have a pretty stressful life (abusive father/money issues) but to me it just feels like the norm. im wondering how i can manage the stress when im unable to even detect it.,Stress +48834,Future stress So i was kinda brought up thinking I already have a safe future place to settle and earn in but now it seems like it is going all down hill and I need to go for the best colleges I can try to get in.so yeah opted a difficult subject which is needed in some good colleges and with school I am starting now entrance exam coaching(on top of having my regular subjects coaching)so it’s kinda I can’t describe what I am thinking will I be successful will I have a job will I not be able to clear anything will I be left in between will I be helpless.I don’t think anyone I know is even little stressed about future so many of them have settled business.like I am holding my tears so much right now I really wanna cry.what do I do how do I try to focus how do I cope up with so much that I will start doing in just a few days.Will I be able to do anything at all and give up,Stress +48835,,Stress +48836,"taking bad decisions in stress, smoked a cigarette, ate fried chicken, that i usually don't do cuz that's what I did even i used to stress eat Working a job and apprenticeship,took a day off from later to complete the pending job assignment i.e, video editing in one day. It was going fine until my dog ran away and i had to look for him for 2 hours on foot. Lost my cool can't concentrate on work. Skipped gym eating fried and smoking cig to get some dopamine.what can. I do that's better? + +I was stressing out yesterday cuz assignment was pending,so i wrote everything stressing me down.and today was supposed to be the day to do it. Tried deep breathing and playing my flute.makes me feel even more guilty",Stress +48837,"stress related hair loss Idk, if this even comes under what the sub is for, and I'm sorry if it isn't. I just really dont know where else to ask or where else I should put this. This is also kind of embarrassing to say, but anyways. So basically I deal with anxiety and stress. We also recently just moved countries and it's a new start and everything so idk, if that's maybe what's causing this. But because of stress I've been experiencing MAJOR hair loss, like i mean I shed like HUGE clumps of hair at a time, and it happens throughout the day. And when i take a head shower, the whole drain is basically filled with like so much hair i could make a wig out of it, LITERALLY I'm not kidding or lying. And ik some people will say it's just hair and everything, but i luv taking care of it, and the health of my hair is kind of very important to me, so it stresses me out even more thinking abt it. And I've tried multiple hair products and everything, but no product seems to be helping. Is anyone experiencing this too? Or has anyone experienced this before? If so could u pls tell me what u did or any tips and advice, cuz i really really do need it. + +Sorry for the big para rant, and I'm sorry ik this might be quite boring to read, and it might be stupid to right this para under this subreddit, sorry abt that, i just really need help and dont know where else to put this.",Stress +48838,"How do you manage the job stress & anxiety on a day to day basis? So how do you folks manage the stress of a job and anxiety on a day to day basis? + +I know most of you would say "" One task at a time"", but I want to know about some real hacks!",Stress +48839,"I had a heated argument the other day and ever since I've had a mild heart ache and it won't go away I had a bad argument the other day and ever since I've been getting this dull ache on my heart ever since, ive gone through quite a lot these past Couple years, mainly I've lost 2 family members and now my dad has terminal cancer and there's been a lot that's gone on since then too, basically my life's been a disaster, but this constant dull ache I've been getting since the argument is something I've never had, ive had occasional heart pains that come and go, like a shooting pain but nothing like this and I'm not sure if I should be worried or not?",Stress +48840,"Relieve Stress? | Some simple ways to bust your stress Stress is a natural bodily response to change that causes physical, emotional, and cognitive reactions. Today most of us find ways to [relieve stress](https://www.friendlyyours.com/how-to-relieve-stress-simple-ways-to-bust-your-stress/). Let us discuss this further. + +Everyone in this fast-paced society, from young children to the elderly, experiences stress as a result of their daily activities. + +Children struggle academically, worry about exams, and experience memory loss, while teenagers and adults worry about the future, experience failed relationships, lack of job security, financial instability, and a host of other problems. + +Elderly people experience increased stress because they feel isolated, fear death and physical disease, and can’t perform their activities.  + + + +## What are the causes of stress? + +Each person has unique stresses. + +According to polls, workplace stress takes the top spot.  + +Some causes include, + +1. Unhappy with the job. + +2. Income is not enough. + +3. A heavy workload and long hours. + +4. Challenges in the workplace. + +5. Unsafe job. + +6. Bad management. + +7. Inability to meet the demands of the business.  + +8. Unable to cope with financial requirements. + +9. Job Loss + +10. Unhappy partners. + +11. Love failure. + +12. The death of loved ones. + +13. Divorce. + +14. Family members suffering from illness for a prolonged period. + +15. Looking after the old. + +16. Anxiety and depression. + +17. Uncertainty & fear. + +18. Significant life changes. + +19. Exam fear. + +20. Memory issues. + +## What are the stress symptoms? + +1. Tense or painful muscles. + +2. An upset stomach. + +3. Stomach pain. + +4. Breathing slowly. + +5. Heartbeat increases. + +6. A chest ache. + +7. Panic disorders. + +8. Problems with sleep. + +9. Headaches or dizziness. + +10. Tightening of the jaws. + +11. The immune system deteriorates. + +12. Anger, Depression, or anxiety. + +13. Deep sadness. + +14. Variations in the mood. + +15. sweaty palms. + +16. Reduced sex desire. + +17. Diarrhea. + +18. Changes in the mensural cycle. + +19. Weight changes. + +20. Raise in blood pressure. + +21. Lack of self-care. + +22. Taking drugs or alcohol. + +## What are the ways to relieve stress? / What are the stress management techniques? + +### 1. Go away: + +Make an effort to leave the stressful situation. + +### 2. Drink a glass of water: + + If you are unable to leave the tense environment, drink a glass of water. It is an easy technique to lessen stress. + +### 3. Remain Quiet: + + If you encounter unpleasant situations, try to contain your emotions. A moment of silence can help you feel less stressed. + +### 4. Check yourself in the mirror:  + +If you’re feeling anxious, just look at your face in the mirror. The tense face won’t be liked by anyone. You’ll find that your mood will alter on its own. + +### 5. Warm water bath: + +Take a warm water bath to relieve stress and relax your muscles. + +### 6. Pursed-lip breathing:  + + It is a great technique to relieve stress and anxiety. The amount of oxygen entering the body increases in this way. + +### 7. Watch funny videos:  + +Watching comedy videos can help you relax. One of the best remedies in the world to relieve stress and enhance both physical and mental health is laughter. + +### 8. Spend time with your loved ones:  + +Friends and family may be the answer to your stress problems. Spending time with loved ones is always gratifying and may help you totally unwind after the most stressful days. + +### 9. Play with pets:  + +People can’t always be there for you, but pets can. In addition to being able to keep secrets, enjoy cozy silences, and provide affection and friendship, they can also be terrific cuddlers. They might also be the most effective remedy for loneliness. + +It has been demonstrated that petting a cat causes the brain chemical oxytocin to be released, which reduces stress. The same effect can be obtained by photographing your cat. It has been demonstrated that petting a cat causes the brain chemical oxytocin to be released, which reduces stress. + +### 10. Get a Spa massage:  + +To keep your levels of stress and anxiety in check, give yourself permission to relax. For most of us, a day at the spa represents the height of relaxation. Spa services and massage therapies, which are rapid and reasonably priced, have positive effects on both mental and physical health. + +### 11. Use candlelight to relieve stress:  + +[Read More](https://www.friendlyyours.com/how-to-relieve-stress-simple-ways-to-bust-your-stress/)",Stress +48841,"stress and heart rate What is your average heart rate throughout the day (24 hours) + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/wt33u3)",Stress +48842,"I can never relax my neck/shoulders/jaw...any tips? First off, I have PTSD from being in the military. I overreact to stressors in my environment significantly. So I am totally aware of having higher stress levels than the average person. But what I do not understand is why my muscles stay tense 24/7. + +I mainly feel this in my neck/jaw/shoulders area. I literally (and not saying this like ""omg I literally died the other day when...but as in the way the term is actually meant for) feel like I cannot let my head relax into my pillow at night. It's like my body refuses to allow the pillow to take the weight of my head. I can consciously think, ""ok, I'm gonna relax my neck now and let my head fall deep into this pillow,"" and it works...for a few fleeting moments until I stop actively thinking about it. Seconds later I will realize that my shoulders are up to my ears again, and my neck is no longer relaxing. + +I keep my jaw tense all the time as well. So much so that I have so many chipped teeth that my dentist has stopped fixing them until they get really bad. I have a bite guard for sleeping, but I think the damage is also done during the day. I asked my wife the other day which was ""normal"" for her: when not thinking about it, do your top and bottom teeth stay closed/touching each other, or is there a small gap? She went with the small gap, and I can see that my body wants that to be my normal too, but it is not. My teeth stay chomped down onto each other, nearly 24/7. I'd bet my neck and teeth stay tense even when I am asleep. + +I absolutely hate this. I can never get comfortable. I cannot sleep well. I look like a 10 year old with ADHD because I'm constantly wiggling around while seated in order to get some sort of comfort here and there. And all this misery boils down to the tension in these 3 areas. + +Anyone have any suggestions for this? I've told my Dr many times at the VA about this, and I have muscle relaxers, but rarely take them because they make me super sleepy during the day, and if I take them at night, I feel kinda hung over the next morning. So I only take them when in absolute discomfort. + +I go to a chiropractor 2x a week. I go to physical therapy for shoulder issues 2x a week. I regularly use a foam roller and a Chirp wheel, almost daily, several times a day. I even started yoga this week...but I've only been once so far. + +Oh, and I get a massage 2x a month, by a massage therapist at the chiropractor, who can target areas of concern from my chiropractic file. So not a feel good massage, but one that works on working knots out and loosening ligaments (not sure if I am using the right terminology there). Last week, after several months, she was able to finally ""get in"" my upper traps and for a few amazing, godly seconds, I actually felt true neck relaxation. It was so wonderful....and so sad when it quickly went back to my normal. But that fleeting glimpse of bliss told me that it is possible to find relief. + +So I have finally turned to Reddit to ask for help.",Stress +48843,"#stopbullying There is a small business owner in the northern ky areas-( Covington, ft. Wright, Florence, and other locations owned by this person). A BULLY: one of the causes of a person to hurt themselves. There's physical proof and we are trying to figure out how to hold this person accountable. BELITTLED, DISCRIMINATES , OVERPOWERED , PSYCHOLOGICAL HARASSMENT, GASLIGHTING, MENTALLY BREAKS DOWN A PERSON. EVIL AND SELFISH. CAUSED A PERSON MENTALLY BREAKING POINT!!! +#awareness #stopbullying2022",Stress +48844,Stressed that I might not get a college I scored 92% in my high school boards. And that will be considered a nice scire if ibwere preparing for my medical entrances. But I decided I wont be giving med entrance as it was sapping me. And now I try to get admission based on merit and all the top seats are grabbed by 98-97% scorers. I had to fight with my parents and be strong to take the decision to not study medicine. And its stressing me out so much I can't even smile genuinely. I dont even know if I will get a college.,Stress +48845,"How do I get better? I am 18, from Brazil, currently doing architecture. I have depression and anxiety, probably ADHD too, but still need to do the tests again. I was taking medication since mamy years ago. Got discharged at the begging of the year before starting college, had to get back at it again after starting the course. I took the same meds as before which I used for years, but my body didn't understand that I have already took then before and had some side effects that scared me and I stopped taking one of the meds. Then after the end of my 1st semester I was looking worse with my depression, so my psychiatrist decided to give me adult depression meds... safe to say it backfire extraordinarily, I just turned 18, barely a month ago. + +Went to other doctors and and the 1st side effect went away, but the adult medication gave me more and worse side effects, so again me psychiatrist suggested changing meds. My mom already had some bad impressions on the doctor so after they tried to change again with no wait to see if I'd get better, she told me to stop taking any meds altogether. + +I get why, my appetite is lower than usual and I am super sensible to climate and temperature, my intestines are hurting and my head aches everyday. So I am currently on the process of adapting. And a new college period stared when I was told to change meds for the 2nd time... I am barely keeping up again with whats being teached and although I got the handle of how college works, I am suffering. Stuff that usually don't bother me or gove me so much work are really demanding me. I am not taking notes as I'd like or being able to concentrate in almost any task that is mildly difficult. Am currently procrastinating the 36 pages and topics that range from a to z of architecture topics that I have to summarise and another 17 pages that I also will summarise, all for today untill 11:59 PM, currently the hour is 19:07...",Stress +48846,"Binaural Beats for stress relieve Hello Guys, We’ve haven’t seen anything related to binaural beats here, so I thought of sharing something that might be useful to you guys, because it helped me a ton. Binaural beats are claimed to induce various same mental states associated like reduce anxiety, relieve stress while increasing relaxation, increase focus and concentration, promote creativity, dreaming etc. In essence a binaural beat is an acoustic stereo signal, typically a sine wave, from which the left channel is slightly detuned to the right channel. This difference, measured in Hz, produces a waving motion that is actually audible when listened to on stereo headphones. This difference dictates the speed of the binaural beat which has different effects on your brain. Each frequency is associated with outcomes that correspond to different levels of brain wave activity. Here is a little guide on the most important frequency ranges: + + +* Gamma waves: Between 30 Hz and 50 Hz, linked to higher alertness, concentration, and improved problem solving, learning, memory and mood. +* Beta waves: between 13 Hz and 30 Hz, similar to Gamma, linked to an active and alert mind,  improves mood and task performance +* Alpha waves: between 8 Hz and 13 Hz, indicate a relaxed and restful mind, can increase creativity +* Theta waves: between 4 Hz and 8 Hz, associated with drowsiness and meditation, reduced anxiety, relaxation +* Delta waves: between 0.5 Hz and 4 Hz, relaxation, deep sleep, dreaming + +There is a lot of stuff on youtube you can check out and listen to. I mostly listen to binaural beats in the beta range for sleeping, meditation and lucid dreaming. After 10 minutes you really feel like your are sinking deeper in your mind. These beats are often accompanies by music playing on top of them, which is sometimes really nice, but we have a created a some natural ambiences that feature binaural beats.  If you want to check out our channel, you can do so here. We’d love to get feedback on those as well. :) +Rain and Thunder [https://youtu.be/UaYF-lmz4bQ](https://youtu.be/UaYF-lmz4bQ) +Ocean and Calm Waves [https://youtu.be/UfK1-nWtw8A](https://youtu.be/UfK1-nWtw8A) +Mount Fuji [https://youtu.be/GwY0tob0OgE](https://youtu.be/GwY0tob0OgE) +thank you and good night 📷",Stress +48847,"Does anyone else get stressed out over School even though they’ve been doing it their whole lives? I start my first year of college and I’m super stressed out and even though I’ve been taking College classes through my high school, I’m still stressed out about it. I’ve been stressed about school my whole life despite having all As and being in the top 10% of my grade. I really don’t understand how people can just have a calm attitude when it comes to things like school and work because the mere thought of either stresses me out. Now usually after the first month, I’m completely fine because I’ve gotten used to the class, the teacher, and the work but the first couple weeks are so stressful for me. I have a mad fear of being alone and failure and I like things to always stay the same in my life so I guess all of that contributes to my problems with stressful situations. I have no friends going to the same college as me and I’ve always liked having at least one person I knew to make me more comfortable quicker but having work thrown in front of me and having to one to talk to if I need help is terrifying to me. Sorry about the rambling but I would like some advice if anyone would be nice enough to give it.",Stress +48848,"I cant stop comparing myself to others I am a chess player, when I lose to my friend in tournaments I feel like my soul leaves my body. I want to hide. I want nobody to find me. I want to stay hidden. I always compare myself to my friend and I don't know how to focus on my own goals. People will say stuff like, ""chess is just a game"". ""It's just one match"" but it's different for me. I want to improve yet I am so stressed about losing and being teased for the loss. +If anybody can tell me how I can push others aside and focus on my own goals, please, explain to me how.",Stress +48849,Do you like rain sounds with thunder or without to help with stress relief? https://youtu.be/lSqKwwNO-Co,Stress +48850,"Forgetting what i just did Does anybody else forget what he just did? + +Like i forget if i just turned off the lights in another room even though I'm sure i did but i just can't remember it + +Is it stress or something else?",Stress +48851,"I have fried my nervous system! How to get back sensitivity? Cant Feel anything, not even myself + +Sorry for posting so much, but i Feel like my actual soul and presence is gone from my body. Like literally just burned away. + +I Feel i have emotional numbness, like actual numbness. I have emotions mentally some times, but my body and brain is like physically numb so i cant Feel them. + +I Sometimes get hints of emotions in my body, but it is also distant and numb. And i cant Feel it. + +My body is just a body, and i am just a mental voice. There is no presence or life anymore. + +I have no emotion or feeling of anything. + +All feelings left, and the last to go was the feeling of myself. + +Music and food and the sun and my Friends. All gone and no feeling. How can i Feel music if i cant even Feel myself. + +No desires, or motivation or sadness or love. Just nothingness. + +I had a physical feeling that my brain was empty, like a physical feeling of a room inside my head, like my brain +Like you can physically Feel your brain is empty. This feeling is also gone. I cant Feel my brain. + +Mine went away, and now i dont have much in my head of thougts emotions and feelings. + +My memory is complete crap. + +I live life in this strange 2D without any feeling or emotion. + +I dont know if a constant state of hyperarousal and OCD might have fried my brain. Also bad reaction to B12! + +I think my nervous system is severly desensetized!! How can i make it more sensitive again? + +Anyone else experience this and get better? Like they cant even Feel themselves?",Stress +48852,"How Emotional Mastery Can Change Your Life And Living Have you ever come across situations in life when annoyance and irritability overpowered your fragile Mental Health? + +Maybe you had a bad day in the office where the boss irritated you, your team member shies away from his responsibility and you feel overwhelmed and fully out of control? + +These small issues and many more like these can rob your inner peace and happiness. So, now what can you do to restore your mental health and feel in tune with yourself? + +You can learn to control your emotional responses through a self-help training skill known as **Emotional Mastery**. + +**What Exactly Is Emotional Mastery?** + +Emotional mastery means being in a state of awareness and acceptance of the way you feel. It refers to a gradual and slow process of controlling and conquering negative emotions that slowly leads to feelings of being overwhelmed and jittery. + +In this process, you will not allow your feelings to overpower you. Being in control of your emotions cannot happen suddenly. + +It is a process of identifying, controlling, and using your overwhelming feelings in positive ways to develop good relationships and effective communication with others. + +Emotional mastery helps in diffusing conflict. It gives you inner peace and happiness like never before. The process helps to reduce everyday stress as you are no longer the victim of your overwhelming feelings. + +**5 Techniques of Emotional Mastery** + +These techniques are actionable ways that you can incorporate into your daily life to triumph over your negative emotions. + +1. Identify your feelings and let them flow in and out as it is. Acceptance is the first step towards mastery. + +2. Appreciate and embrace your emotions as a part of you. Without emotions, your life is meaningless. They are the flavor and color that define your existence. + +3. Approach your emotions with a sense of curiosity. Try to pay attention to what these emotions are telling you. Acknowledge your feelings whether good or bad as authentic and meaningful. + +4. The most powerful way to master emotions is by remembering a previous situation where you have handled a difficult emotional surge in a healthy way. By this, you gain the confidence of handling similar situations successfully now and in the future as well. + +5. Celebrate your small success stories where you have controlled your annoyance, anger, and fear in a healthy way without getting overwhelmed. In doing so, you gather more courage and confidence to master emotions in troubling times as well. + +**To Sum Up** + +Emotions are an integral part of being human. Thus, cultivating emotional mastery helps to use your feelings in healthy ways so that life becomes all the more beautiful. You should not allow emotions to use you. This life skill is an essential ingredient for achieving your dreams and goals. + +*Learn More Techniques to* [*Control Your Emotions and Gain Emotional Mastery*](https://www.richpsych.com/blogs/how-to-control-your-emotions-and-gain-emotional-mastery/MUYyVTgx/)",Stress +48853,"Stress Management Stress management is new to me. I have several diagnoses and am being treated by a psychiatrist and a therapist. I've been on short term disability for 3 months now due to migraine complications. After several images and tests, the neurologist sums my condition up to excessive environmental stresses which brought on medical predispositions such as occipital neuralgia with chronic migraine disorder. I also recently stopped drinking alcohol. + +I've been on bed rest for the past few months, and after a recent procedure to prevent migraines, my neurologist has cleared me to return to work in 2 weeks. + +I won't bore anyone with the details of my stresses these past months, but at 44 I can truly say this is the most stress I've experienced in my life, to the point that my body gave up. I need a good program on how to manage my stress if I'm going to be able to live my life. + +So I'm reaching out here, asking if anyone has found a good program and wouldn't mind sharing it. I'm also going to AA meetings and am in the early stages of that 12 step program. Thanks.",Stress +48854,"Relaxing Music. Meditation Music, Piano Music, Calm Sounds, Sleep Music. Often times stress will manifest when we carry over yesterdays concerns into our present day concerns. An accumulation will almost always end up in a high stress level. Therefore, we must be able to dump all of our concerns from the previous day or days and concentrate wholly on our today. If you are having trouble sleeping, there are a few steps you can take to help your body naturally get to sleep. First try to get to bed at the same time every night your body runs on an internal clock and if you don't get to sleep every night at the same time you can through that clock out of whack so a regular bedtime routine is good practice even if you aren't tired try to lay down maybe read a book or listen to some relaxing music. Lifestyle choices will affect your sleep as well such as smoking, illicit drug use and pharmaceuticals, alcohol and caffeine; try to limit your intake of such things for better sleep. Next in line is nutrition, a combination of herbs and vitamins can help naturally relax the body and mind to help one get better sleep all night long. Green tea is an herb that is loaded with the amino acid l-Theanine, studies have shown l-Theanine to can help calm the brain, given todays high pass lifestyles most of us are still thinking about work or what needs to go on your grocery list while laying in bed, l-Theanine helps calm your thoughts for a better nights sleep. [https://youtu.be/2EPEBuS2ao0](https://youtu.be/2EPEBuS2ao0)",Stress +48855,"5 Ways Stress Impacts the Body…and What To Do About It! It’s that time of year already.   They’ve been selling wrapping paper and toys at Costco for 2 months now and the cashier asked if I wanted to pre-order my organic turkey the other day.  It’s the holidays! + +[https://www.foundhealth.com/blog/5-ways-stress-impacts-the-body%e2%80%a6and-what-to-do-about-it/](https://www.foundhealth.com/blog/5-ways-stress-impacts-the-body%e2%80%a6and-what-to-do-about-it/)",Stress +48856,"I didn’t work hard enough during my 12th year of school and now i’m screwed I slacked off pretty much throughout my entire a levels and now that results day is in 3 days i’m consumed with anxiety. I’ve been a bum all my life, all i’ve done in the last 18 years is eat, gain weight, play games and sleep. not an ounce of effort. i did study for my finals but definitely not enough and i’m so nervous for my future. In the last two months ive started working out and have lost 10kgs but i still feel like a failure that’s going to amount to nothing. My regrets are sitting like a boulder in my gut and i cant do anything about it. I need help, i’m pretty sure i’m going to fail my A levels and no uni is going to want to take me. my life has come to a standstill and i have nothing but regrets. how do i feel less shitty about myself please it’s eating me alive.",Stress +48857,I go back to college in 2 weeks and I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to pay off my unpaid balance before registration for the upcoming semester ends. Title says it all. I’m beyond stressed because even if I am able to pay the money it won’t be until the day before registration ends and even then I would have already missed a whole week of classes and be behind. I asked them if I could instead have a payment plan and still be able to register for classes for this upcoming semester while paying off the unpaid balance for last semester and they said no. I’ve been working everyday at my job and just putting it towards the balance but it seems like nothing is enough. College is a scam,Stress +48858,"Stressing about daily routine I think my routine is messed up, sometimes im awake to 4 AM and then wake up late like 2 PM. It stresses me out. Usually I did wake up 1 PM and go to sleep at 1 AM or 2 AM. +And I keep on checking clock when to eat and when to finish a meal, it stresses me out. + +I worried why cant i remember my usual routine, i feel like im in a hurry even tho im not, I have nothing to do but sticking to a routine is important to me. It stresses me out. + +Help i cant stop this cycle. +How to stick to a routine without overthinking every details...",Stress +48859,,Stress +48860,,Stress +48861,"new school schedule is making me have panic attacks I gotten my schedule for 12th grade and I nearly shat myself, i have two hours of daycare, meaning I'll be taking care of kids, then i have P.E, Government, English and then for the last two hours is work supervision, I literally had a panic attack and started breaking down because that's gonna be a crap ton of homework and stress. I don't know what to do,",Stress +48862,"Anyone else lose the ability to have emotions and feelings as physical sensations in the body? All sensations of feeling and emotion is gone from my body. I dont Feel numb, i Feel dead. + +My brain also feels non-responsive and i am only on autopilot. + +My body feels like stone. Too light. Nothing dragging it down causing a heavy feeling making it be my own. My arms feels so strange. It feels like I am not in my body. It is so mechanical. + +I dont sleep because i dont Feel sleepy. I never Feel calm in my body, just an unnerving neutral and restless feeling. + +I want to Feel, but there is nothing in my body. When i am sad and angry i just know, because there is nothing in my body. No surge of rage and no pain in my chest. + +When i lay down under my covers, i dont get a familiar calm and warm, heavy feeling in my body. It is still hard as stone on the inside. + +Also i dont Feel hunger. And never sleepy in my head. I also dont Feel confused in my head or get a foggy feeling. Even though i know that is what i am. + +I also never get a feeling associated with a place or memory. When i think of a memory i get no spontanious emotion connected to it. + +Like sitting on the terrace with a nice cup of tee, early morning walks, sitting down on the couch after a hard day of work. Never get these feelings in my body. Also the feelifn of autimn, friday, christmas. All gone. Cant even remember them in my mind because i cant Feel with my brain. + +All emotions are purely mental. Sometimes my brain is so numb though it does not respond to any stimulus. And i have this constant unsatisfactory feeling because nothing makes me Feel. + +All i have left is stress in my body. Nothing else. This bad restlessness i cant get out of. + +It feels like so bad! + +Anyone else experience this and get emotions back in the body?",Stress +48863,,Stress +48864,,Stress +48865,"Stress Management Life is full of stress. It is what drives your body’s natural fight-or-flight response, which aids you in protecting yourself from individuals, situations, and events that put your survival in danger. #stressManagement + +[https://onlinemkt.org/stress-management/](https://onlinemkt.org/stress-management/)",Stress +48866,"The ""hustle culture"" is pretty toxic... I thought I need to ""hustle my way to success"" but what I learned next changed my life forever… + +The ""hustle culture"" is pretty toxic... + +I was being told that working 10-12 hours a day, constantly chasing after the next task, and being totally drained afterwards, not even able to enjoy a dinner with my family is the way to success... + +And believe me, I've done that for way too long. + +After quitting my 9-5 job and deciding to start my first coaching business, I basically switched from working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week to 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. + +""Finally quit the rat race!"", huh? + +Quite frankly, it felt like less pressure than doing the typical 9-5 at the beginning because I was really excited to work on my dream. + +As the months passed, I was getting deeper and deeper into the grind. + +It got to a point where I would wake up at 9:00 am, already thinking about work, then work through the whole day, and still be replying to my clients' messages at 1:30 am, lying in bed with my girlfriend. + +My mind was constantly there - at work. + +At the dinner table, during a walk with my partner, even when skiing on vacation that I rarely took back then... + +I was constantly experiencing this weird sense of guilt when I wasn't productive, and even though my business was growing, so was my anxiety, stress, and lack of satisfaction with life. + +It eventually led to me getting sick so badly, that it was a struggle to even reply to a client's message. + +I was stressed out of my mind. + +It felt like everything is going to collapse on me if I keep going down that route. + +Finally, I decided to take a real break. + +I took a full 7 days off and decided to delete all the apps like Slack, Messenger and Gmail from my phone, which sounded absolutely crazy to me back then. + +But man, it felt liberating. + +Something clicked inside me, and finally, I was able to let go of all the pressure and stress that were haunting me. + +For the first time in months, I experienced this deep sense of relief and inner peace. + +By stepping out of this craziness, I was able to notice how toxic and unhealthy it was. + +How having healthy boundaries and balance in your life is key to actually enjoying what you're doing and what you're working so hard for. + +Now, I truly believe that me getting crazy sick back then was one of the best things that could have happened to me. + +It led to me finally re owning the enjoyment of my everyday life. + +Plus, my business started rapidly growing as a result of me allocating my time more effectively and creating more value in less time. + +It made me realize that much of ""the hustle"" I was doing was just me spinning my wheels on things that weren't really making the boat go faster. + +Now, I know for sure that the best way to achieve better results is to master both the work and the relaxation. + +To plan the life in such a way, that your wealth, health, and relationships are in perfect balance. + +Please don’t waste your life thinking that there’s some pride in being over-stressed, overworked, and overwhelmed.",Stress +48867,"I'm a musicologist with 10+ years working on the correlation between audio and the brain. I've created a playlist with the most proven relaxing music out there. This will help ease stress, anxiety and help you be in the moment. Hope this reach as many as possible :) Hi there, so this playlist (available at both Apple Music and Spotify) came to life almost a year ago, when I'd finished researching the effects of listening to nature sounds. + +Easily explained:You may have heard about our inherited fight-or-flight response system, which is a major factor in stress and anxiety. Well, research has shown that listening to nature sounds triggers the opposite system, called rest-or-digest, which helps lowering your heart rate, ease tightening muscles and enable you to focus on fewer things. These system is, just like our f-o-f response, is inherited from our ancestors. We believe that reason behind nature sounds triggering this is that hearing birds, rain etc meant positive things for the caveman generations. Birds singing meant that there were no large predators around (as well as good soil), rain meant crops would grow, fire that they would survive the night and so on. + +Hope this helps everyone it reaches! + + +[Link to Playlist (Spotify and Apple)](https://linktr.ee/indigoease)",Stress +48868,"depression and burnout, please help I'm turning 23 soon and I still live at my parents house and they do the cooking and household and I don't work or study I'm always home, but still for some reason I feel like I'm at work 24/7, every tiny task is too much for me mentally, I do not get my stuff done, I have a small to-do list for myself but I procastrinate everything because I can't handle it + +Why is my mental energy to get anything done so incredibly low? I am diagnosed with depression and I guess I have a burnout, but there should be a solution this right? I have become such a lazy person...I doj't understand why",Stress +48869,"Stress help for a busy life. What can I do to reduce stress with such a busy life? I work and do school right now and my week is basically slammed packed at all times when I’m not sleeping. + +I’m already generally extremely sleep deprived and have recently started nodding off while driving home to/from work some days. A lot of days I don’t even have time to eat much of anything some days. + +What am I supposed to do? I feel very backed into a corner with all of this.",Stress +48870,"never experienced this much stress before, also i am young Hey guys, so basically yesterday, something happened which made me extremely stressed, like i never been this stressed before so it just fucked me up, it was health related, i talked to a few friends, i felt better and i do feel a lot better rn, but I'm not the usual me. This stress is taking a toll on me, mentally and physically, i also had Globus sensation for some time, it resolved though, so i just wanna know what I can do to overcome this and feel better both physically and mentally",Stress +48871,"Stress and Sleep When stress is not effectively managed over a long period of time, it can make it incredibly difficult to fall asleep. #sleep #stress + +https://onlinemkt.org/stress-and-sleep/",Stress +48872,"So stressed out I’m sooooo stressed. My insides are twitching. +I have diagnosed anxiety but it’s gotten a ton better and I’d say I’m stressed rn , not anxious so that’s good. But also not good because I just feel so stressed out. +I have so much to do at work, at home. I feel like I don’t have time to do it. And if I do have time then I have such low energy from being busy at work all day. +Gahhhhhh +Boss takes it easy and I end up with the work. Normally I’m fine with it because I do get recognition but this week was brutal. +Trying to buy a house, and omg the paperwork, the double guessing decisions , it’s all so scary. +I need to go home and clean and do laundry and make supper. And the send back housing paperwork , and review contract and plan things. +Trying to balance everything feels like too much rn.",Stress +48873,"https://onlinemkt.org/stress-and-alcohol/ Alcohol should not be used on all occasions to have fun. You must be able to relax and have fun without drinking. #stress #alcohol + +https://onlinemkt.org/stress-and-alcohol/",Stress +48874,"I have soccer tryouts on Wednesday and I’m really stressed. I’m trying out for the school soccer team on wednesday and I’m stressing out. For reference, I’m going into sophmore year of high school and I tried out last year and didn’t make it. It stresses me out because what if I don’t make it again. To fail once is one thing, but to fail twice is so much worse. I went to the gym, ran, and practiced throughout the summer, but idk if I am good enough. What I’m most worried about isn’t not making the team itself, its failing for the second time. I just had to talk to some people about this.",Stress +48875,"5 Ways Stress Impacts the Body…and What To Do About It! It’s that time of year already.   They’ve been selling wrapping paper and toys at Costco for 2 months now and the cashier asked if I wanted to pre-order my organic turkey the other day.  It’s the holidays!  For the vast majority of us living in the 21st century, the holidays bring added ***stress*** to our lives – financial expenditures, travel, time with family, office parties.  It’s just what the doctor ordered.  + +[https://www.foundhealth.com/blog/5-ways-stress-impacts-the-body%e2%80%a6and-what-to-do-about-it/](https://www.foundhealth.com/blog/5-ways-stress-impacts-the-body%e2%80%a6and-what-to-do-about-it/)",Stress +48876,"Need some ideas to manage stress while trying to navigate serious life events (deaths etc) For the past 4 years, I’ve been under constant stress that most tell me are once in a lifetime. In 2017, I lost my job, my father, and found out I was pregnant the same day. In 2018, I had my daughter and my closest male friend died suddenly in his early 30s just after she was born. In 2019 I lost my mother. In 2020, well duh, but I also lost the relationship with the rest of my family. In 2021, I had to manage my mothers estate and my sisters mental illness, while at my job my company almost went under and I had to agree to a pay hit to try save the jobs of my team. And now, we’re looking for investment (I’m COO btw), I finally got the sister under control, and her son showed up at my door bipolar, and I had to have him hospitalized and now he’s living with us. I’ve gained 50 pounds from the stress. I can’t take much more and of course all this puts a stress on my marriage. I couldn’t imagine surviving without him. Any ideas? Because frankly pithy notes to “destress” by taking yoga and lighting a candle feel pretty ridiculous in comparison",Stress +48877,"Anyone here doing school while working full-time? I have two jobs and am finishing up my degree. There is never anytime where I can flip the switch off and relax. I’m always falling behind on deadlines unless I’m expending effort into academics for every waking second that I’m off work. + +Anybody else experience this? And if so, any tips for maintaining stress during this time?",Stress +48878,"Does talking about it make it worse? I realised the more I share with friends how I am feeling, all the things I talk about gets aggravated and become all the more stronger over time. + +Even when the friends and family are supportive and have tried their best and I understand everything they say, it’s difficult to adapt.",Stress +48879,"Stressed out and self harming. I’m 25 I live in NC and I’m absolutely stressed out. I was working at a Amazon for the last 9 months making 15.75. I have a 400 dollar car not and 1500 dollar rent to pay every month on top of 140 dollar car insurance and 80 dollar phone bill 70 dollar wifi bill and 30 dollar water bill and 30 dollar gas bill and pass due electricity bill of 345 dollars. I left Amazon for this new job that is paying me 21 dollars an hour. My back ground check took a long time to come back and for that reason I didn’t work for a week ( I left Amazon on the 25 of July because I was supposed to start 27th of July but back ground check took a while to reach my employer. ) I’ve asked my older sibling for some money ( I owe them 500 dollars ) I feel like I am getting no where but in debt. I feel guilty when I buy food or get gas ⛽️ to them point I physically get sick and sometimes even throw up from how sick I feel. I don’t feel good enough and I’m drowning. I have history with self harm and recently I began to cut my shoulders again. I rather feel physical pain than to feel like worthless broke POS. If I don’t end up taking my life, the stress will be the death of me. I fucking hate money.",Stress +48880,"First real job - how Hi. + +I'm 26 but I´m a bit behind in life (now trying to go fot my liscene and stuff). + +I did soms contract jobs and student jobs before but it is the first time it's for a whole month. It's my 4th day and it is 22 work days or so in total. I'm stressing out a lot. + +After this it is time to find a new job. A real one and I am so scared. They are now going to a restaurant without me. I feel so left alone because now I am the only one sitting here and I keep wondering... what if I will feel the same thing in my real job? This terrible feeling. The CEO was here and they were like... hey let's go to eat something together and then I realised I wasn't going with them because one girl said something like... we are bla bla but you can go outside to eat something and I'm glad she did because no one had the balls to say it to my face. And I get it, I'm a student but I would have feel better when they daid something like... you can gl with us but you have to pay for yourself because you arz a studenr and we don't pay for them here, do you want to come? Nope... I feel so left out. + +I think people give me stress. All the anxious feelings and stress, it is due to people. I think I want to cry. I hate this. Time to work I guess.",Stress +48881,"First time I've not had to deal with the overbearing stress in quite a while an I'm hoping it can become more mellow from now on. Work felt different, nice for normality. + +Instead of stress, today I was bored in parts, I stopped putting a guy on a pedestal as much, I could focus on the present, + +I even joined in on the guy chat with 3 of them, I know they hadnt been doing guy chat with me cos I used to mainly hangout with guys an they'd just been talking about jobs when I was around, they talked about weed, wanking & another girls underwear, they sex talk sometimes anyway but its usually along the lines of joking about my best mate + +Id also been avoiding chilling with them when theres more than 2 there but it flowed good with 3, I also avoided using peoples names an said the same NPC ""alright"" thing, be good to get back into normal convos + +I hope life can just be less stressful for a while an I hope I can get to be a less recluse version of myself an talk regularly. Just relax more.",Stress +48882,"Irritability Hello everyone how is it going, im from colombia and since i was 10 or so, im so irritable, a loose lace, i explode, i hit my elbow, instant artery burst, everything from the smallest things gets me mad, im so worried all the time, games stresses me out, im a walking talking corpse of how skinny i look, food barely nourishes me, and im about to graduate from something so hard to get a job from and a career i didnt enjoy as i would have liked(graphic communication/ graphic design with focus on digital illustration, pretty much i kneecapped myself) and looking at my best friend, with a girlfriend, a nice job makes me go nuts (not jealousness, as he deserves his success but i thought i did too), anxiety is taking its toll my and my mind constantly fight like we were a dysfunctional married couple, is this a mental health issue or just me not growing up the ole git gut but not darksouls but real life, i can count how many things i like, but is impossible to count how many i dont, so many things i hate it cant be normal, so what do you think good people?",Stress +48883,"Stressed In and Out of Work For the last month I've been feeling fed up with my job and some of the people on my team. Every morning during meetings I fake being nice and wanting to talk with them, and the more they talk the angrier I've been getting lately. + +I've had mishaps happen and to me it seems like there is a lot of favoritism that happens in my work place. To keep that bit short, people that have left have said the same thing about the favoritism. + +My anger with my job is also spilling into my personal life because I'm having dreams about these people now! I don't want to see a handful of them while I'm working and now they are in my dreams! + +My personal life has been a hectic mess too, as I've made some huge life changes - for the better - but with the work B.S and the remodeling I'm doing (it's my parents' home that I'm staying in and working on) I have no fuse and blow up on just about everything. + +I had an idea of the work that needed done and in the order, and my dad does the exact opposite of what I ask and tell him to do. Now all of a sudden I need to spend both more time and money on a project I asked him to start a month ago. + +The reason the remodel is pissing me off is cause it's not just me staying in the home now, my partner is too and even with the upstairs space done, it's not enough space. I've thrown things away and so has he in an attempt to make room and my dad seems to think there is all the time in the world to complete the work. + +Has anyone had issues like this, where at work they feel wrongly treated and brood about it and the same goes for their personal life? + +Everything is driving me bonkers cause I can't leave my job cause I desperately need the cash and I'm worried that if I went to another job it would be even worse! I've been looking at open jobs that I could do a good job in and a lot of places I've been interested in have complaints like the ones I have now. + +Rant over (phew!), but how can I manage all this stress and stop dreaming about work when I'm off the clock. And how can I deal with such a stubborn dad that is making me angry and burdening me and my partner. I would hate for my spoiled mood to ruin things between me and my boyfriend.",Stress +48884,Why Music’s Better Than Drugs for Anxiety [https://blog.siriusxm.com/relax-collection/](https://blog.siriusxm.com/relax-collection/),Stress +48885,"Stress Headache? Hi 27M, 185lbs, 5'11 here. The last two days I've been pretty stressed out with work and started noticing that to the left of my left eye little close to the side forehead I've been getting this awful pinching feeling that comes and goes. I drink some caffeine during the day, but today decided to lay off of it and it's still coming in waves. The best I can describe it as a pinching vain. I started worrying that it might be a stroke or aneurysm but quickly chalked that up to just being anxiety. I've been feeling a little ""foggy minded"" too so I wonder if that has come to play too? Yesterday night I drank a few beers and it seemed to help, but then came back when I was sober. I take an antidepressant, and Ritalin daily but have been on them for years so I really don't think that's the case. Does anyone else get this headache feeling? if so, remedies? or should I go see a doctor? thanks.",Stress +48886,"Help me please. Insomnia from 1 year. It feels like dying everyday Hello everybody. I am facing insomnia from the past one year. I got covid one year before. I was in hospital and at that time every few hours somebody is dying in front of me. I got so scared and anxiety hit me so hard that my mouth remains dry, my hands were shaking, my heartbeat doubles. I feels like i am going to die and this thought didn't let me sleep for 20 days straight in a row. Covid gone but now i got insomnia. I went to bed but didn't get even a single minute of sleep. I got so frustrated, the days was like hell, it was like somebody just take my soul out of body, i don't want to live anymore. Tried melatonin, Vitamin B6 Tablet, Got sunlight daily, nothing works. Then I consult to a doctor. She prescribed me to take clonazepam .25mg for 4 weeks and along to take mirtazapine 7.5mg. Then as per doctors suggestion i stopped taking clonazepam after 4 weeks and continued to take mirtazapine 7.5 mg. It was good for 8 months. I started exercise 30mins daily. Walk for 5 km daily. Now Few days before my body again started to facing insomnia( there is no stress, the insomnia comes automatically). In 10 days duration my sleep got reduced to 1 hour per day and now after 10 days i got no sleep not even a single minute. I don't know what happens to my body, i talked to my close persons tell about my problem but nobody understands me. Should i give a try to homeopathy medicine? I am sharing this to everybody on reddit, so that if anybody has any solution please guide me.",Stress +48887,"Daily habits for a less stressful life Everyone wants less stress. And that is why in this post I will talk about daily habits for a less stressful life. I myself apply these habits every day in my life. So everything I talk about comes from my own experience. Once you apply the methods in this post regularly they will eventually become habits. At first it may be difficult to apply these methods because it may all feel a little strange. But once you experience the positive effects you will find enough motivation to continue. + +WHY YOU NEED TO CREATE DAILY HABITS FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE + +Most people do a lot in a day. And that can be incredibly wonderful, but it can also cause a lot of stress. And stress is not always bad for you. It can sometimes help you get the best out of yourself. But long-term stress can be very bad for your health. For example, it can cause your immune system to deteriorate, making you more likely to get sick. But it can also cause you to become irritable and your mood to deteriorate. Ultimately, it can also cause you to have almost no energy or motivation left to do things. In addition to the aforementioned consequences of long-term stress, there are many more consequences that you don’t want to have either. And to reduce the risk of these consequences it can be helpful to create habits for a less stressful life. + +FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE + +Sometimes people get a lot of stress because they get lost in thoughts. To prevent you from overthinking and getting stressed, it is useful to sometimes focus on your breathing. For example, if you are busy working or studying, remind yourself to focus on your breathing once every 10 minutes. You don’t have to breathe differently! Just let your breathing flow naturally but focus on it for a moment. Feel the air go in and out. + +MEDITATION IS ONE OF THE DAILY HABITS FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE + +Meditation can help you unwind completely. You can meditate by sitting down and focusing on your breathing. As guidance you can say to yourself ¨in¨ when you inhale and ¨out¨ when you exhale. Then as your breathing gets deeper and slower you can say “deep” and “slow” to yourself. + +MAKE A DAILY HABIT OF GOING OUTSIDE FOR A LESS STRESSFUL LIFE. + +The environment you are in can affect how much stress you experience. Suppose you are in an environment where you are constantly receiving signals that cause stress. Such as phone calls, emails, or other things that remind you of stressful situations. Then it can be useful to get away from this situation for a while. And preferably it can be useful to go to a park, forest, lake or sea. Because in these environments there is often a lot of space and there are few or no things that cause stress. + +WALK MINDFULLY + +And when you’re walking, pay attention to your footsteps and your breathing. Inhale and take, for example, three steps. And then when you exhale, take another three steps. Also feel how your feet touch the ground. This mindful way of walking gets you out of your head and into the moment. + +GO EXERCISE AND FEEL THE STRESS DISAPPEAR + +Being physically active is incredibly important. But it’s also incredibly helpful to exercise if you want to release stress. I myself really feel the stress disappear when I exercise. And if I’ve trained really hard I’m sometimes so tired that I don’t even feel like stressing about anything anymore haha. You don’t necessarily have to train super hard. The stress can also disappear during an easy workout. Or go for a jog while listening to your favorite music and feel the stress disappear. + +HELP YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY + +I wish you much success in applying these methods for a less stressful life. Hopefully you can apply them so often that they become habits in your daily life. But I do want to ask you one more thing. I suspect that you have friends and family who also sometimes suffer from long-term stress. You can help these friends and family by sending them this post. And maybe you can start creating these habits together which will make it a lot easier for both of you. Because working together on something ensures that you motivate each other. + +[(Originally from this blog post)](https://quintenvanommen.com/daily-habits-for-a-less-stressful-life/)",Stress +48888,"How to stop the anger Hello! I get really easily stressed but my stress turns into rage really Quick. I get so angry and its stressing me out cause I will get stressed about literally anything. I get really anxious from stress but my anger is whats really destroys me because sometimes i cant control it and I will answer texts really rudely and tell them to stop talking to me, lash out on my poor partner who does nothing but help and accidentally trigger me. Its the smallest things too, he's just asking about plans for next week but im not done with this week yet so it stresses me out so much cause I feel exhausted already, but he's literally just ASKING.. I dont know what to do I feel like shit for telling him i need time to calm down when he hasnt even done anything wrong...",Stress +48889,Beat stress and relax with rain and thunder sounds 😌 https://youtu.be/afIZ-QyzVdY,Stress +48890,"I must confess I got to come clean I been helping a friend with money gave all I had and sold my valuables and it not enough to help his kids I don't know what to do. +Please pray my friend is having money troubles and can't afford food or medication do to his bank having problems with his account. Pray for me to I feel and I don't have any money to help my friend he come on bad times and I am broke till October I gave him all I could month ago now I have nothing else to give. Plus I owe about 50k plus in student loans. I helped them and this is my reward being broke for having a heart. It like nothing I do matters. No one wants to help and those who have gave me money in the past thank you. I sorry I need 100 bucks I just need money now and I deserve this punishment for putting myself out there to help i am so stressed his kids say he need the medication.",Stress +48891,"Tips On Stopping Myself From Lashing Out At People? I've been undergoing a lot of stress as of late from some new developments in my life, and that has led me to lashing out at people, both friends and family, who are either trying to help or just engage in conversation. + +I've always been a pretty social guy, introverted but I like going out to see people and I get invited to random functions from time to time, so I take it as a sign that at least some people like my company lol. + +Its just that when I'm under intense duress like I am now, my immediate instinct is to take as much control as possible, and that can make me agitated and forget that the person I'm talking to/interacting with might not appreciate that I'm coming on strong. + +I've never had anger issues, I don't get violent, I just get pretty mean, and that's an ugly part of me that I don't like. I feel like I've already pushed some people away, I would just like to talk about some coping strategies that could help. I already exercise and read often, work full time, and don't really have any responsibilities outside of that if I'm being honest. + +I don't know, sorry for a rambly post, I've never really opened up about *personal* and *touchy* feelings like this and even if I don't get real advice, then just putting it into words will help solidify the problem for me.",Stress +48892,"feeling heartbeat in bed Hey, usually when I go to bed to sleep and I'm not extremely sleepy to fall asleep right after I almost always sense/feel my heart beating on my neck/throat/ears it's not like it's beating faster than usual or beating harder but I still feel/sense the vibration/pulse of it, when I get jumpy/startled/scared I feel/sense a sudden strong heartbeat right after the event and it's like I feel the sudden increase of cortisol/adrenaline being released inside my body.. ( I sort of feel my sweat production increasing ) even though propranolol improved that which wasn't the case with bisoprolol that was almost totally useless...( wasn't totally useless because it controlled heart rate and blood pressure to acceptable levels as well but still the physical symptoms when I got scared still remained ) the thing here is that I'm always without energy, my brain processes very little information from my senses from the moment I wake up and struggles to keep up with that small amount of information to not say that physically I can feel that I don't have much energy and in terms of stamina I get tired pretty quickly mentally and physically which only gets ""treated"" when I take a stimulant that is working at 100%. Ah and propranolol is controlling my blood pressure and heart rate to acceptable levels even when I take a stimulant. It makes me confused about my CNS if it is overactive or underactive.....",Stress +48893,"It won’t stop Hello, + +I just wanted to say that I feel like I’m in a really bad place right now. Everything stresses me out. I keep getting so stressed out with everything, and it doesn’t seem to stop. + +I get so worried and worked up about everything, and everything just seems to go wrong. + +I’m on holiday with my parents at the moment. It’s been good, and I’ve been enjoying it, but the stress doesn’t stop. + +I’ve had issues with stress, anxiety, OCD and depression for a long time, and I’m trying my best to deal with how I’m feeling in a healthy way, but it’s just so difficult. + +Everything just seems to come with more stress, more anxiety, more confusion, frustration and uncertainty. + +I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.",Stress +48894,"Conducting a workshop on stress management for the learning disabled and what you can do to help! Anyone interested/in a capacity to help may join. If you’re interested, you can dm me (if that’s allowed and if you’re comfortable with it) or send me an email on ishas8300@gmail.com +It is on 3rd August, 6:30-8pm INDIAN STANDARD TIME",Stress +48895,"Yoga - Healthy Life Yoga is an ancient tradition that’s been proven to help with stress, anxiety, and pain. It helps people connect with their bodies and mind, so you can live a happier and healthier life.",Stress +48896,"The relationship between stress and infertility Some couples get pregnant easily while some do not despite trying for a long time. There could be multiple factors contributing to difficulty conceiving but of all of them, stress plays a significant role. Stress does not directly cause infertility however it does impact the chances of conception by delaying it. Infertility has become very common now and the factors contributing to it are multiple, ranging from physical causes, and dietary changes to even excessive use of gadgets. There is enough research to prove that stress can adversely affect a couple’s chances of conception naturally or through medical procedures like IVF. So, what is the relationship between stress and infertility? + +## The science behind stress and infertility + +When we are stressed, our brains release *cortisol*, a stress hormone that interferes with the signals between the brain and the ovaries, thus disrupting the ovarian cycle and the release of the ovarian eggs. In the case of men, sperm production and motility are impacted. Apart from the body’s response, stress contributes to behavior and mood changes too. There is a decrease in the desire and motivation to have sex. There is an increase in smoking or drinking alcohol in order to cope with stress which in turn causes trouble with conceiving. + +## Understand the vicious cycle + +Stress and conception are highly connected. Most often, couples who are trying to conceive become dejected when it takes a longer time. Some find the medical procedures involved in the process to be taxing. For example, most couples going through IVF procedures are often stressed out. This in turn affects the biology and behavior of the couple, thereby creating a vicious cycle. Stress management is thus necessary in order to break free from this cycle which in turn would help a couple conceive. + +**Managing stress** + +Some amount of stress is normal. However, if one is continuously anxious and hassled by circumstances around them, it will deeply impact conception. + +[Learn more](https://www.cadabamshospitals.com/the-relationship-between-stress-and-infertility/)",Stress +48897,What is Cortisol - Stress & Cortisol [https://antiinflammatoryfoods.org/2022/07/25/cortisol-and-stress-what-is-cortisol/](https://antiinflammatoryfoods.org/2022/07/25/cortisol-and-stress-what-is-cortisol/),Stress +48898,"Feel like I’m losing control of my brain A lot has happened to me and I feel like I’m going actually crazy. +It all started in late 2019 and 2020 +I started dealing w panic attacks for the first time which severely mentally fucked me up. +Was having attacks everyday for months on end. And this is around the time I started drinking heavily. It was the only thing helping me. +Then I started to develop vertigo, just randomly it would feel like I’m falling or the ground was swaying back and forth and it still happens to this day randomly +Cut to me a little later in life I managed to cut the stress back a lot and I was happy but then we’ll ofc it came back. +Recently the alcohol caught up to me and my system and I drank so much developed gastritis and I’m going thru that rn. Stomach pain sucks so much luckily it isn’t to bad but unlocked my health phobia my brain is constantly hurting, my brain feels like it’s on the verge of just going crazy, feels like I can’t control my thoughts, my heart skips beats. +The way I figured I was truly stressed was my teeth never noticed it before but I clench my teeth pretty much the whole day causing my head to start hurting it’s all too much and now it’s ruining my sleep I truly hate this I truly do. I miss being young w no worries. +I just am so done so so done",Stress +48899,"Unable to switch off from work stress and now I can’t enjoy my personal life I have a demanding job where I get abuse daily because of the nature of the work. I work for a service - like pretty much everywhere - that under pays and over works their staff. I never get out on time and I work unsociable hours. The staff are difficult to work with also, toxic and selfish. It’s just not worth it anymore. + +My problem is I’m struggling to find another unskilled job that matches the pay and I have just bought a house. I can’t go to another job on less money. I feel stuck in a rut and I can feel myself slipping mentally - I have teary eyes pretty much 24/7 but can’t seem to cry. + +Has anybody else been in a similar situation and how did you fix it?",Stress +48900,"I just can’t do it anymore I can’t handle the stress anymore. I feel fine for a while, but there’s always something. Something always happens that I can’t handle. + +Something goes wrong or something isn’t working properly, or just anything. + +Then it’s all I can think about and it just makes me feel so bad. + +This always happens. I never seem to get any better at dealing with it. I just can’t handle it anymore. + +It just seems like nothing can ever go right. Everything always has to go wrong. Nothing can ever be simple. And I just can’t handle it. I’m just so stressed and overwhelmed.",Stress +48901,,Stress +48902,"Stress is ruinung my life. I cant seem to function when Im stressed and I get stressed extremally quickly (in a couple minutes) and things escalate up to the point where Im pulling my hair out, smashing my head with my fists and punching myself. Ive tried controlling it, destressing, taking deep breathes ect.It seems like this is the only way to get it out. I cant seem to deal with stress like a normal human being. Its very exhausting and making me depressed as I feel incompetent with the way I deal with stress. Im 19 Ive been dealing with stress this way my whole life . As Ive gotten older I have been able to limit the amount of outbursts but I still seem to have them. I dont know what is wrong with me. I'm scared things will escalate even further and I might hurt others. I",Stress +48903,Ultimate stress relief. Listen to rain drops and feel relaxed 😌 https://youtu.be/TutkBqEnP3A,Stress +48904,"don’t want to grow up i don’t want to grow up. the thought of becoming an adult is overwhelming. +the cost of living has risen so much, do you seriously expect me to be able to fund myself, a home and bills with minimum wage? +the pressure of needing to do well academically is stressful. i know im smart, but in regards to how smart i am in comparison to others my age. i feel i am nothing. +im strong minded and driven but im not inherently a genius, nor do i have the skill set of one. +i lack versatility, perseverance and self discipline. +i give up easy and lose hope upon the slightest bit of ‘failure’. +i do not have a large skill set and therefore rely too much of my ‘strengths’ compromising and over performing to make up for my inability to do well at other skills. +deep down i know the persistence to attend university is understandable but ultimately what does it leave me with? +debt? stress? no guaranteed job/salary to match my years of education? +i genuinely worry i will become a useless adult. +i have no doubt there’s far more capable people than me who have more potential who would be a better fit into society. +im currently young and beautiful but that will only get me so far. +even now i have overwhelming waves of sadness that make me feel sick to my stomach. i can’t imagine how ill deal with that as an adult. +i indulge in self pity too much which in turns only makes me feel more pity for myself as it makes me hyper aware of my existence and how lost i am. +though i am beautiful i feel that can only get me so far. my intellect feels inferior than those around me and i feel as if the best i will ever amount to is mediocrity. +though im not an adult yet im already theorising what to do with my life if i fail at becoming an one. + +edit: for people asking 16f, i have a job but it’s just fast food. im strongest in fields such as the humanities in particularly history and politics, literature, visual arts and textiles. however my weaknesses are maths (my head struggles to grasp anything that’s not basic math), and most sciences however i am passing my psychology class which i like.",Stress +48905,"Is this a psychological condition? Or just inability to deal with stress? Hi, I don't know if it's the right place to post this but lately I have been figuring out the features of a life-long problem of mine. I would call it the simple inability to manage stress but I want to be more specific and Im curious if other people can feel the same based on how I describe it. I would describe the relation between me and stress in this way: + +\- The incapacity to accept stress and everyday fatigue as a normal part of life (referred also to very simple tasks) + +\- The forced splitting between ""bad days"" and ""good days"" where in the bad days Im not allowed to feel good because of some stressful tasks to do that basically ruin the whole day, while in the good days Im not allowed to feel stressed because ""Im not supposed to feel so"" and Im not meant to do some extra stuff that would cause some fatigue. It also ends up in hating the ending of a ""good day"" becuase tomorrow is gonna be a ""bad day""... You know when sunday is ending and monday is the next day, or also when you're coming back from a vacation, Basically the inability of enjoying the moment because my mind is always projected in the future. + +\- Rejection of the idea of facing new stressful situations: this becomes particulary strong whenever I just came through some stressful stuff, my mind sells to me a higher level of stress tolerance/performance in a particular moment, with the promise that Im not going to face new similar situations in the future... I use to motivate myself during difficult moments with the thought that afler that everything is over, Im going to rest and it's gonna be a good time. But this also tricks my mind into thinking that there are not going to be similar stressful situations in the future overall, which obviously can't be true. + +\- The high expectation before a supposed ""good day"" or ""good time"" is about to come... as if it's going to be a super regenerating moment for me that will restore all my power of will. This is not rational and not realistic most of the times because everyone would never get enough of a ""good time"" and unpleasant things can happen during a planned good time as well. + +\- Feeling envious towards people who are not going through a stressful moment while I am. Focusing almost in an obsessive way on other people around me who are chilled and are not facing anything difficult. In those moments I forget that everyone has stressful moments just not at the same time, I am the free person when other are facing hard moments. + +\- the excessive anxiety and discomfort before a task that I know its' going to be stressful... also an easy one. As if my mind was trying to convince me that Im never supposed to be stressed and that's not normal for me doing stuff that I don't like even if they're necessary.",Stress +48906,Singing at a funeral and they have given me a different song the day of I was given the chance to sing at a funereal and I was honored to sing. However they have changed the song last minute and I’m stressing over this extremely. Not singing isn’t an option; as it would disappoint so many. I’m trying to get the song down; however it’s getting to me. Any advice?,Stress +48907,"I think all this late night studying and the caffeine overload is bound to give me a heart attack I am so fucking sleep deprived. I feel utterly stupid and worthless. +Give me a break from college and exams. It's been a burnout season for too long.",Stress +48908,,Stress +48909,"Flight Booking Anxiety Does anyone else have anxiety in booking flights? For me it becomes a game of chess where I can't stop optimizing for the least shitty combination but I find myself paralyzed in picking between different combinations. I wish I could just book one and be done but my mind keeps nagging and wondering if a certain option is better. In the end, I spend so much time doing something that could have been done in a snap and by the time I'm ready to book all the good flights are sold out. Its a really weird kind of procrastination/anxiety that I'm not sure how to fix.",Stress +48910,Feeling drugged from stress I have been stressed many times in my life but current issues with my teenage son are making me feel almost drugged. I keep falling asleep while sitting up and when I’m awake I feel detached from reality. I tried to have coffee to stay awake but it’s just making my insides shake without clearing up anything in my brain/psyche. I don’t know if this is a question or just an attempt to hear from anyone so I can re-engage with the world.,Stress +48911,drawing is stressing me out but I don't know what to do with my life,Stress +48912,"Need help dealing with stress I need some advice dealing with pent up stress. + +I'm a full time college student in Electrical Engineering, and I also work 20 hours a week during the semester at my job. My courses alone are really stressful for me, but combined with work and responsibilities at home, I am constantly stressed out. Mentally I can cope in the moment and push through, but that is not my problem unfortunately. + +I store all of the stress somewhere and never release it. It builds up over days, weeks, months, until eventually it all comes out. Even if I ""decompress"" after a long day I don't really feel like I got it all out. Over time my body starts to get stiff because of the stress, and eventually my back locks up on me. I never have a mental breakdown due to stress, just my body locking me down until it can relax. + +Currently my jaw and hamstrings feel like they are tight enough to snap in half, and my back is stiff. I've been dealing with this for years and haven't found a way to sort it out, so I am looking to see if anyone here has advice on how to deal with the stress before I do irreparable damage to my body. + +Thanks for any help.",Stress +48913,"Having a hard time This is a vent to help myself de-stress? Lol! For the past 7 years, that I have lived in my current city, I have unfortunately moved from one lousy situation into the next, due to thinking it was a good idea to move in with friends to help out my crummy finances and needing cheaper rent. For the past almost 3 years due to the pandemic and other situations, I moved into a “rooming” type housing situation, which for the past 2 and a 1/2 years, me and my dog did have full use of a basement to ourselves. Last July, my company announced that they would be laying off around 40 people, myself included. What my stupid company didn’t bank on, was supply chain issues with getting key integral parts to operate equipment, so they kept delaying our end of work date for the past 12 months. When I found out that I was to be laid off a year ago this July, I stupidly told the lady I rented my basement from about the news, but seeing how at the time, my company didn’t announce when our actual end date would be due to supply chain issues, she took it upon herself and “guessed” that my end date would be around May of this year and I will have been moved out, so, she went ahead and rented the basement out to a family of three. This was a major jerk move on her part. Seeing how I am really strapped for cash and couldn’t afford to get another apartment for me and my dog with not knowing when I would actually be moving out, she offered for me to move into her “sunroom” this past May, until my end date, and she she would move her mattress into her living room to sleep in. My company finally announced that our end of work date would be at the end August, this past May, and I unfortunately have to stay on working and living where I am due to those reasons. Seeing how this past year has been touch and go with NOT knowing when my company would announce this end of work date, and with not knowing when this opposed announcement would be happening, I thought it would be stupid to move somewhere else, and have to sign a lease for however long, so seeing how I live month to month here, I chose to stay. Since moving into her “sunroom,” it has been a friken nightmare. She consistently picks on me and flat out accuses me of doing things that I haven’t done. I am not allowed to flush the toilet unless “it’s brown,” she accused me of “killing” her precious plant, I have to keep the sunroom door shut during the day so that the heat doesn’t come through the whole house…friken stupid stuff like that. She has gotten a bit too overly attached to my dog as well, and drops stubble “hints” about how happy my dog is living here 😑 my dog and I will be relocating to another province to attend school, so I can upgrade my current skills at the end of August. Just this past Wednesday, my friend, got word that she has to go work out of town this week, so she offered for me and my dog to go and stay at her place, to get away from the madness here and also mind her cat. When I told the lady this, she mentioned how this wouldn’t be a good idea and how it would disrupt my dog’s routine with living here and how it is probably super hot at my friend’s apartment (meanwhile she has no air conditioning here). The first night there wasn’t so good, because my dog was in unfamiliar area, and she was all nervous and panting a lot. My dog has done this many times before when camping, or going away for a holiday…so I got her some “calming” spray to see if that would help. My dog and I came back to the house last night, because I have my car scheduled for servicing, and a garage which is literally 5 minutes away from the house, so instead of staying at my friend’s apartment, we came back here to sleep last night, for getting to the garage would be way easier in the morning. When we arrived back last night, the lady in question was like “ohhh she is so happy to be back” of course she would, she is in familiar surroundings…however, seeing how we’ll be moving at the end of August and staying in hotels over night and other friend’s places…staying at my friend’s apartment is a good trial run. When I mentioned that to the lady…she munched up her face as if to say “oh…I don’t like the sounds of this.” So, I am at the point with waiting for her to literally say to me “why don’t you just leave your dog with me” and that is when I will snap. Thanks to all who read my vent…",Stress +48914,"10 Simple Ways To Cope With Job Stress It is crucial to learn how to deal with various stressors successfully. Those who lack adequate coping abilities loathe their jobs over time. On Sunday, they dread returning to work on Monday, and once back at the office, they count the days until the following weekend. These factors will undoubtedly result in job exhaustion and possible resignation due to excessive stress. + +However, there is a superior strategy that begins with employing straightforward techniques that anyone can understand + +[https://divineyouwellness.com/blog/cope-with-job-stress/](https://divineyouwellness.com/blog/cope-with-job-stress/)",Stress +48915,"I think I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I've never had one before. Thoughts, and suggestions greatly appreciated. This is going to be super long, but I would really appreciate someone out there taking the time to read it... + +I've been working a relatively stressful job for the last four years. The stress was manageable until about a year ago when I was given the responsibility of managing a global team of systems administrators in the US, Hungary and India that all work to give 24/7 coverage to my company. I can't go into specifics of our work, but I can say that we are an extremely important team. There are a lot of reasons behind why I have become increasingly stressed out, the main one being that I have personally been the only point of failure for the whole thing for almost the entire year. I can't take a day off, or sometimes even an hour off without someone from like 14 time zones away trying to escalate something to me, or my boss of they can't reach me directly. Before this past week, I had taken one scheduled day off, and I still got a call from my boss asking to get people online for an outage. + +Let me say, my boss is amazing. She is the best example of leadership I've ever had in any job, and I've worked IT for like 25 years. She just has a very demanding job role also, and I am in a spot where I'm kind of working 4-5 different full time job roles, and one of those job roles requires that I get people online for outages which are not at all related to the global team I'm responsible for. + +The past few months, people have increasingly seen that I'm getting more and more stressed to the point where I had a chat with HR because I had started working like 75+ hour weeks sometimes until 2am. I basically said that ""because of how I've been forced to set this whole team up within the guidelines I'm given by upper management (not my direct boss), nobody else has time to work this project, so if I don't do the work myself, it can't get done."" + +I mean, everyone saw it coming including me. Then last week happened. I was supposed to have Friday off as a normal day because leadership rotates Sundays for the other full time job role apart from the project, so every time I work a Sunday, I get the following Friday off. We had a major issue happen on Thursday which we knew would carry into this coming weekend, so I was going to cancel both my Friday off and the planned time I had on the calendar for like three months from Wednesday - Sunday this week because I knew everything would get messed up if I didn't. + +Well, I decided, this was a chance for me to test if other parts of leadership can actually do their jobs. Instead of canceling my time off like I have literally every other time something like this has happened the last year, I decided to take it. However, I gave my peers the plan of what needed to happen from Friday - Sunday, laid out for them completely, and all but spoonfed them. I went into it trying to just expect people to do their jobs. All they had to do was say ""Ok, we have the plan, here's this person who can do this thing that needs to get done, I'll have them do it..."" I also knew it wasn't going to happen like that. I knew... I knew that come Sunday evening, nothing would get done. So, I went Friday without checking my work phone. I went Saturday without checking my work phone. Then Sunday rolled around, and I finally checked... sure enough, even though my peers had the plan, it wasn't executed. I had to log in on Sunday to quickly get the right weekend people on it, and because things weren't executed on time during Friday/Saturday like I said they needed to be, it caused two huge outages like twelve time zones away. + +I went into work on Monday morning completely distraught. I met with my directs under me basically telling them that what happened is not their fault, and an effect of ineffective leadership which I'm largely responsible for. I sat there for a good 45 minutes apologizing to them, telling them what I plan to do going forward, and also commiserating because I was really as stressed as they were about it. + +During that talk, something broke in me, I think. Like, I had known that I was the sole failure point globally, but I was fine with that as long as I had people who could simply just organize whatever plan I gave them. I gave them that plan on Thursday, trying to clear things off my plate as I have been advised to do by my boss and HR, just expecting them to do basically the bare minimum, and they weren't capable of executing. I finally actually felt the full weight of being the sole failure point of global operations, and it crushed down on me so hard that I could barely breathe. + +I went to my boss after that meeting, and told her I had to leave for the day, but I would be back the next day. I took Monday off, almost too full of anxiety to even drive home, but made it then just watched movies I'd seen a hundred times already all day because I couldn't process any new information. I felt alright though, like at the end of it I had a sense of purpose, and renewed motivation. I woke up Tuesday completely ready to rock it at work, but as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot, I started to get a feeling I've only ever felt once before. I hopped on the highway, and the closer I got to work, the more I felt it. Then, it happened. I had a panic attack. I had to pull off the highway to turn around to go home. The second I had my car going back the other way, I felt like I could breathe even though I was still having heart palpitations, tunnel vision, numb tongue, etc. I got home, called my boss, and was straight up with her stating I had a panic attack on my way in, and I would not be making it. + +Then came yesterday. I had to make a five hour drive back to my hometown for the plans I had made for the aforementioned scheduled time off. I was happy, looking forward to it, couldn't wait to get back, but as soon as I got on the highway, the dread set in. The obsessive thoughts set in. I spent the next five hours in panic attack mode to the point where I don't know how I actually drove the car. All I wanted to do was get home, so I kept going, but I stopped like six times to re-center myself on a trip that I don't generally even stop on once. + +I got here, took a breath, sat down for a bit, and things were okay. But ever since, it's been a mixed bag of being okay for a while, then like 30-60 minutes of panic attack... then being okay again, then another panic attack. Thankfully, I spent today playing golf with my family which is what I had been looking so forward to, but it took like an hour for me to come into reality when we first started out. + +Then I got back, took a nap, and woke up in a panic attack about an hour later. + +Like, this is not at all my natural state. I am normally a very chill person who handles stress immensely well. I have had one panic attack before during a very difficult time, but I've never had multiples of them, and I've most certainly never had a nervous breakdown... but I think that's where I am. I've tried talking to my family, but none of them really understand because none of them has ever really had this kind of breakdown. General depression, anxiety, and that stuff, so they can relate (haha, family can relate...) on that level, but it's like I can barely be a functioning human. That's what they can't relate with. + +That's why I decided to post here hoping that someone else can relate, and just let me know this is going to end at some point. I'm not suicidal, or anything, I'll suffer through whatever I have to suffer though, I just need to have a light at the end of the tunnel. + +Have you ever seen Se7en? You know that part where they find the guy Kevin Spacey had been keeping alive for a year, and the doctor said ""If I were to shine a light in his eyes right now, he'd die of the stress...""? That's where I feel like I am. Like any source of any stress from anywhere that raises my adrenaline whatsoever just throws me into a panic attack. I am trying to deal, but it's difficult feeling like there's no end in sight because I've never experienced this before so I don't know what to expect. + +If you made it this far, thank you for reading my novel. I really super appreciate it, and owe you cookies. Possibly also milk, but milk probably doesn't travel too well in the mail.",Stress +48916,"Rap/Poem Stress is DESTROYING my mind!! 🤯 I can’t deal with the stress no more + +Mind is feeling fucking sore + +My Body feeling fucked and tore + +bank account is in a droit, and +My mental health, is fucking poor + +can’t buy food at any store + +Because I have no income anymore + +Had some, bad dumb… +jobs…and they fucked me for sure!! + +And the stress, I need less, maybe pill will be a pain free cure + +Don’t know any fucking more + +And that shit is for fucking sure",Stress +48917,"Making decisions makes me extremely anxious and stressed Basically, what the title says... I (28F) get extremely anxious, restless and stressed whenever I have to make any type of decision. Lately, I've had to make a lot of decisions about buying furniture, and I've been thinking about the color palet for more than a year, I've downloaded more that 4000 photos of rooms that I like, of furniture that I like, but I always end up second guessing my choices... I want the best of both worlds and I know I can't have it all at once. I want a dark moody room but at the same time I want a light and airy room. Can anyone understand me?",Stress +48918,"Changing workplace tomorrow, can't cope with stress Today at work they informed me out of the blue that tomorrow I'm gonna have to start working in another building and I am very stressed. Took a lot of pills and I just drank a glass of wine to calm down and get some sleep. I can't cope with the stress. I'd rather just die that have to go through this fear of tomorrow..",Stress +48919,"How can you reduce the stress in your life? We all experience stress in our lives, but sometimes it can become overwhelming. If you're feeling stressed out, there are some things you can do to reduce the amount of stress in your life. + +➲ **Identify the source of your stress**. + +One of the first steps to reducing stress is to identify the source of it. What is it that's causing you to feel stressed? Once you know what it is, you can start to figure out ways to deal with it. + +➲ **Make a plan**. + +If you know what's causing your stress, make a plan to deal with it. If it's something you can't change, like a work deadline, make a plan to better manage your time so you don't feel so overwhelmed. If it's something that's causing you anxiety, like a fear of public speaking, make a plan to face your fear head-on. + +➲ **Take a break**. + +When you're feeling stressed, sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break. Step away from whatever is causing you stress and take some time for yourself. Relax and rejuvenate and you'll be better equipped to deal with the stressor when you're feeling refreshed. + +➲ **Talk to someone**. + +If you're feeling stressed, talking to someone can be a great way to relieve some of the tension. Talk to a friend, family member, therapist, or anyone who will listen and can offer support. Just getting things off your chest can be a huge stress relief. + +➲ **Eat healthy and sleep enough**. + +A a healthy diet is also important for managing stress. Be sure to include plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins in your diet. + +Also, make sure to get enough sleep. When we’re tired, we’re more likely to feel stressed. aim for eight hours of sleep every night. + +➲ **Exercise**. + +Exercise is a great way to reduce stress. Not only does it help to release tension, but it also boosts endorphins, which can make you feel happier and more relaxed. + +➲ **Practice Relaxation techniques**. + +Consciously relax your body, through practices like progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, meditation, or simply taking some deep breaths. + +**Read more here in details** → [10 Ways to Cope with Stress](https://www.livewelltalk.com/2020/08/10-ways-to-cope-with-stress.html)",Stress +48920,"I feel anxious if I'm not studying at the moment and I can't rest at ease Hey! Just need some help managing my stress. + +I'm a middle schooler. My parents never forced me to study. I get decent grades. But I never seem to be satisfied with the amount of work I'm putting in. I'm always anxious, and I'm always thinking that I have to study. + +And If I'm taking a break, lying on the couch, or watching Youtube, I can't be at ease because I still feel like I haven't worked enough and I have to do more. + +I don't particularly like my studies, and sometimes I need a break. But I can't relax because of this. The stress from this pressure is also affecting my physical health, so I thought that I really need some help. + +Anyone got any ideas on how to fix this? Thanks for reading.",Stress +48921,,Stress +48922,"My head is always under pressure I can’t seem to relax my head. It’s always in a stressed state. I can feel the pressure on my head from the top and on the sides. It’s just there consistently. I am always under stress it seems. Yes, I have some financial stressors in my life but I hate this pressure on my head. I tried meditation but it just doesn’t go away.",Stress +48923,"Would you be stressed? Just bought a house. Had 60k cash a few months ago, 17k now after closing and a new AC install. Business is slower than I'd like. I'm self employed. + +Have a toddler, 16 months old. + +Have 30k in credit limit to ""fall back on"" if things go that far. + +Wife is now looking for a work from home job. + +I can't wake up without anxiety to do do do. Fear it's not going to be enough and we'll lose the house. + +I hate making money",Stress +48924,"I have so much to do and no motivation to do it I need to write cards, I hate writing cards. I never know what to say. I also don’t know who to write them to bc dad didn’t make a full list for me. + +Then I have this ten hour math thing I need to do for college cause I don’t wanna take two math classes. + +I’m also struggling to figure out what kind of computer I need to college cause originally I was gonna just get an iPad but I’m being told ser eral different things that all make sense. + +It’s really got me down and thinking of whether I made the right choice to go to college. Im not smart, im not motivated, im not independent, I don’t even know how my bank account works or how im supposed to work on campus. Which I have to sign up for a job. Crap that’s another thing I have to do. + +I feel so worthless and stressed. I wish the tree by my house would just fall on me and kill me. It would make my life so much easier. Ik my family would hurt but I don’t feel lived by them anyways…",Stress +48925,"Stress-Induced Diverticulitis? Curious if anyone else here has suffered diverticulitis, as I am currently on my 5th flare-up and my doctor is recommending surgery evaluation since its happened to many times. I have been under a ridiculous amount of stress lately at work (not that it is a contest), and I decided to research if stress was a factor with diverticulitis. Turns out it apparently can be, so now I'm trying to find better ways to deal with my stress in hopes that it will help resolve this problem without surgery. + +My primary form of stress relief since last year has been freestyle BMX. I have found after a particularly stressing day, just going out there and hitting the skatepark or practicing new tricks really helps alot. Leading up to this latest incident I also was unable to ride for 2 weeks due to my bike being repaired, so that got me thinking about stress, or if its coincidental that this happened again after I had no stress outlet for 2 weeks. + +I need to channel my inner Matthew McConaughey",Stress +48926,"I've been stressed for 9 months and I don't know what to do. I tried many things to reduce my stress symptoms but I feel it s not going away. Went to the gym, I've did mediation, also journaling nothing seems to work. Feels like this stressed it's stuck and hard to get rid of. I went to the doctor and he got me taking Vitamin D6 Rx tried it for 4 weeks but doesn't help. I'm running out of options, the only thing left to do is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist? I don't know which to see. Also I work a minimal wage job with no insurance. Any help will be appreciated.",Stress +48927,I think I have a problem... I know for sure I have a problem because recently today is when it all started. I was just talking to some friends and we were having just conversations and the conversations just went in some ways that got me really stressed out and also my mind likes to create false scenarios that aren't happening like people talking about me behind my back and Friends chatting with other friends and all that. But just a few minutes ago I was talking to one of my best friends and I was just getting stressed out with the chats and I tried to call myself down and I punched a fan as hard as I could and somehow will only one of my fingers is bleeding but I managed to bandage it. I'm thinking about going to a doctor to see if they can help or get stressed towards to something because I have a job and earlier at my job I threw my glasses as hard as I can against the wall and broke them. I don't know what it is I really don't know whether it be anger issues stress whatever I just hope someone here can help me get steps closer to an answer to what it is I'm going through and what I can do to completely end it.,Stress +48928,"How do I not stress about something MAJOR? I’m always stressed about little things or things not under my control etc etc. but this time it’s about something actually life-changing and what I do or say could absolutely change the outcome entirely. This is very important and very serious and the tiniest error in my part could severely cost me. How am I not supposed to stress about it? I’m thinking about it all the time even when I try my best not to by going out, watching something, playing a game, or even trying to nap (I have dreams about it). It’s gotten to the point where it’s affecting my overall health. I feel fatigued, depressed, and anxious… much, much more than usual. This also isn’t something that’s gonna be quick and short, it’s something that will be ongoing for years… it technically has already been going on for years but now it’s about to get so much more serious. Anyway, what am I supposed to do?",Stress +48929,Overheard someone talking about how stressed they are which is making me feel stressed I overheard someone saying they are so stressed they can't sleep and get up about 5 or 6 times in the night which has mad me start thinking about stress and whether I feel stressed now I feel like I am starting to stress. Maybe just a long week because I missed a deadline and had tight shoulders.,Stress +48930,"So, what is it like to work with a Hypnotherapist? I’m working on a collaborative exercise which will give readers a fly on the wall perspective of working with a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist. + +In a nutshell, I’ve partnered with social media influencer [MummyConqueringAnxiety](https://twitter.com/Mummyconquerin1) and we’re doing a series of Solution Focused Hypnotherapy sessions with a bias towards managing anxiety and long-term wellbeing. MCA is publishing a blog series based on our sessions so readers can follow her journey. In the first therapeutic session, MCA started to learn the brain model which underpins Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and enjoyed her first SFH live trance. Read her post from this session [here](https://www.mummyconqueringanxiety.com/a-powerful-concept-the-ability-to-change-our-brain/)",Stress +48931,"Has anyone felt so bad with stress they had 24/7 tension&felt like they were stuck in flight/fight mode? I’m actually wondering for years now if it’s possible my vagus nerve got damaged even. I’ve mentioned it to Drs,I do a lot of googling because been having health issues so long. I tried to do meditation but my brain is too fogged up,can’t focus,always forget&put things off. My personality,mental state&physical just crapped out at the same time although physical things bothered me prior.I’ve been trying to avoid asking for clonazepam as I only wanted to take it in emergencies but people constantly make me worse. I lost 7lbs past 2 weeks stress frm pple while sedentary. + +Eating has been a big struggle because don’t really have an appetite but try to have something like a bowl of cereal daily.I wonder if my dry mouth I’ve had the past 15yrs is possibly stress because never got an answer for the cause but that’s when things started,just got dramatically worse with more things bothering me. I just want Drs to say this is your issue take this&do this but instead I got diagnosed with quite a few things but not the 1 I’m looking for which is really my brain working&feel like myself again with this 24/7 tension gone.",Stress +48932,"I have created a non stop self fueling ball of stress that just got exponentially worse. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm currently unemployed looking for work and waiting on benefits to get approved. Today my phone got cut off. I can no longer be contacted by employers. I can no longer check EI due to multifactor authentication. I can no longer call EI nor my MP. + +I will be talking to a realtor today to sell my house. This will mean I will be paying 4x the mortgage in rent. I am a ball of stress and have puked 3 times already this morning. + +I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm twitching. I don't know what to do. I don't even have life insurance to help my family with. I'm literally on my last nerve, leg, toe whatever. + +I've been doing deep breathing, whatever meditation I can and any stretches I can. I'm no use to my kids, my wife, my family or myself like this. + +Fuck I don't even know if this is the right subreddit to vent.Thanks for reading.",Stress +48933,,Stress +48934,The very thing causing my stress is the only thing that can decrease my stress The moment i try to relax and have fun i am occupied but stressed as i feel i am wasting time. My stress is derived from productivity if im not productive i am stressed about being not productive and therefore when i am having fun it is fleeting because I quickly realize i am not productive. Anyone else?,Stress +48935,"I'm Quiting to Save My Life So I have decided to journal here me quiting smoking. At 32 I started smoking after a lifetime of bad experiences and stress. I am now 48 years old. Roughly 11 or 12 years ago, I got the news that a friend I worked with but lost touch with had died of a massive heart attack. She was a chain smoker, and gained a lot of weight. She also had a stressful life full of heartbreaking and challenges. She was 49. Worried about my own health, I started losing weight after I topped at 200 (I'm a 5'5"" female). I am now 162 with 22 pounds to go. But my biggest hurdle right now is cigarettes. I made the decision today after many scares, to quit. I will keep updating this as I go for 1 year. + +This....is Day 1.",Stress +48936,,Stress +48937,"I'm 29 and I have great difficulty relaxing I'm 29 and I have great difficulty relaxing + +&#x200B; + +Relaxing is benefacial to the human mind and body, by allowing yourself to recover you can do work more efficiently, have more energy to exercise and learn, do hobbies and chores, to foster relationships, and more. Machines even new to relax and chill a bit to avoid overheating or to have time to oil up or change new parts. + +&#x200B; + +If I know all of this, why can't I allow myself to relax? I need to, but I cannot. Whenever I try to go on a walk, or watch a movie, or play a game, my brain makes me want to do chores that are non existent or I feel guilty for not doing my side hustle work or learning stuff. + +&#x200B; + +For context I'm in some debt, but have a stable job that should be able to pay it off by perhaps end of 2023 or mid 2024. I also do some side hustles on my own schedule. I also stress eat and feel like ""I have not accomplished enough"" before I turn 30 next year. I think these occupy my mind a lot and prevent me from relaxing. + +&#x200B; + +What should I do? Like damn, I spend more time being frustrated I can't relax, or having a hard time choosing what I wanna do, then actually relaxing lol.",Stress +48938,"Recent nearby shootings are making me scared of the fireworks right now Two shooting have happened directly in front of my apartment complex this year. I live in a city, population of 300,000 so not the biggest. The first shooting happened while i was at my friend/neighbor’s place 3 houses away, so i still Heard it and all the people running from the scene. 2 guys died, i know one was 19. +The 2nd shooting happened 2.5 weeks ago and this time i was sitting to the left of my open window that faces the street that the guy did the driveby. My next door neighbor was throwing a party, that led to a fist fight happening outside, and next thing i heard was 3 gun shots. I jumped so far forward off my bed and called the police, they told me they were already on the way. +The shots were so loud, sudden and disturbing to me. I’m too scared to be in front of my window cause i keep visualizing a stray bullet coming thru. +From a quarter mile distance there’s occasionally a banging sound that sounds like an automatic. It’s some kind of construction work, but i have no idea of what and on what exactly (it happens enough that I’m sure now it’s normal, but i can’t place what the hell it is ). The sound bothers me more now than ever, but i really need to keep my Window open for air circulation. +So onto now: the sound of fireworks has me having mini heart attacks every time. My AC is shit, i need my window open for air. My bed is directly beside my window that faces all the noise and every once in awhile I’m closing the window and will deal with the heat. Random fireworks have been happening all week and for some it sounds so indistinguishable from guns. I’m just stressed by it to an uncomfortable point now and just had to write it out.",Stress +48939,"How being outside reduces stress I will explain why being outside is good for your health. Nowadays we are often indoors almost all day because of school and work. There’s not always something wrong with that, but you’ll probably feel a lot better if you go outside every now and then. + +**IT MAKES THE MIND CLEARER** + +Inside a house, study or workplace there are often many things that make you think about your work or study. There is nothing wrong with this, but it can ensure that you are constantly busy with your work or study. This may keep you thinking and living in your head instead of in the moment. In addition, there are all kinds of other distractions indoors that keep your mind from calming down. So go outside and enjoy the tranquility. + +**LESS STRESS** + +This tranquility automatically reduces stress. You are not busy with school, your work, or other things. As a result, you go out of your head and into the moment. This will also reduce your stress and reduce the risk of stress symptoms and complaints. In addition, physical exercise is also a great way to reduce stress. When you are physically active you can reduce stress. You probably also feel that when you exercise. And after you exercise you notice that your stress is reduced compared to before you started exercising. + +[(Originally from this blog post)](https://quintenvanommen.com/why-being-outside-is-good-for-your-health/)",Stress +48940,"I’ve only just realised how badly stressed I am but I don’t know what to do, no one will take me seriously I, 20F, have a few things that just seem off to me. I have a job that I hate, it’s my first job, it’s a 9-5 in a high pace high stress environment and when I make a mistake it has an effect - and of course I do make mistakes. My coworker also treats me like a personal assistant and delegates all of her last minute jobs to do immediately without thanks which is so stressful as I can never complete a project on time because of it. Enough backstory though this isn’t a life advice sub I just need to rant about the things I think are caused by stress? + +I’ve always looked young for my age, I take good care of my skin using retinol and SPF 50 every day yet my skin is ageing (I turned 20 a month ago so this is weird). I look heavier than I am, I get a lot of exercise (10K steps minimum daily plus cardio focussed gym 2-5 times a week depending how tired i am) and do not over eat, if anything (tw) I probably under eat by a long way because I lose my appetite and forget to eat. It’s just bizarre to me and it’s not that I want to be thinner but I know that with my lifestyle I ought to be a lot thinner than I am so I’ve no clue what the reasoning for that is. My psoriasis is getting worse. It used to be a small patch on my leg but now I’ve got it on my lips, cheeks, back and it’s spreading down my arm. I was researching self soothing and I do that obsessively, I bite my lips to oblivion and crack my knuckles to the point where they hurt. I am ALWAYS tired even if I get 14 hours of sleep, luckily my insomnia has gone away for the time being but that used to be really bad too. I also get migraines the second I begin to relax. If it’s not pretty obvious ill just throw in that I have been diagnosed with anxiety. My doctor doesn’t want to help and there’s no free therapy in my area as there’s massive wait lists for everything. So I’m on here hoping to find someone who might relate. Can this all be due to stress? Do you have any advice? My job contract ends soon and I’m not renewing it don’t worry but I know any entry level job will be just as intense so how can I manage it and minimise these symptoms? My family doesn’t seem to care and just say it’s life but I’m going to spiral if I can’t control it.",Stress +48941,"Couple of albums of ""space music"" that helps me de-stress The albums are: Whispers of Time and Space - on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/album/6n1TDud40wEKOqaVKiMGzw + +Apple https://music.apple.com/gb/album/_/1589137241?mt=1&app=music&ls=1&at=1000lHKX + +the 2nd album is Space Music for Hearts Full of Sadness - on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/album/4utvUzjq92hRPkwjyNVZy9 + +and Apple https://geo.music.apple.com/gb/album/_/1562635218?mt=1&app=music&ls=1&at=1000lHKX (for other music providers check https://album.link/gb/i/1535224519 )",Stress +48942,Stressing so much Still stressing a bit about this upcoming thing on Tues. I really can't wait to get this over with but idk what's gonna happen. I know she's full of ish for saying she's been covering for me or whatever cuz that's a damn lie. I can't wait til I can just move and finally be outta here. I really pray I can move one day soon but even with a 2nd job my rent would go up even more than it would still be hard to save. Praying that things change for the better,Stress +48943,Feeling discouraged I'm really stressing about this shit coming up Tues. I don't wanna talk to this office manager but I have to. I just pray she doesn't say shit smart cuz I'll be real likely to say some shit back. Let me fill out this stuff for recertification and talk about a job I'll start and that's it. I don't need her talking out her ass tryna say she covered for me or whatever smh. God I really can't wait to move and I pray I can move asap cuz I don't wanna be here anymore and I don't need her messing up me moving. I'm not sure but I'm guessing places check with your old place as a reference or does that really matter? When I first moved here I don't think the old place I was at checked but I could be wrong. I just gotta get my credit a bit better but overall I'm a great tenant though. I'm praying for better days cuz I don't wanna keep struggling and dealing with shit,Stress +48944,"Feeling really sad Earlier I called this temp place to see about changing my start date and all of a sudden they gave the position away and said it's probably not available for me anymore cuz they tried to start me a couple other times which is bullshit so now I have to hurry up and find another job. I applied again to the kfc that hired me and in the morning I'm gonna call the pizza place that I had an interview at on Tues and I really pray I got the job there. I just really can't believe that happened like I was looking forward to going there, I just wanted to change the date smh. I really hope I can find something else asap. The temp place said I could stop back in but I don't think I even wanna do that",Stress +48945,Get instant relief from Stress.....Quick Meditation for Inner Peace [Try out this practice](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/guidedsessions/quick-meditation-for-inner-peace?fbclid=IwAR03idAcTkaDkYwkOIVUhtECarqSYKAXeybuLAcTBgP7L40ciU14rfTC7Ws) when you don't have a lot of time to meditate. You will realize that achieving greater inner peace is possible in a very short time.,Stress +48946,"Writing and Burning to Clear and Release The burning ceremony involves writing the #negative conditions that you would like to release from your life on a piece of paper, then burning the paper in the bowl. The purpose of the ceremony is to #release old patterns, beliefs or experiences, or anything that impedes you from realizing your true self. + +[https://youtu.be/sm1XyRyT7JA](https://youtu.be/sm1XyRyT7JA)",Stress +48947,"my future. It's my first time on reddit typing this sort of rant, hope it's not too boring. I'm currently 15, I still feel like it's 2021, I keep hearing ""these 2 years are going to fly by really quick"" (for context, I'm in Singapore, in secondary 3) from my parents. It's true, and within 1 year and around 5 months I have to come up with what i want to do in the future. + +I gotta come up with what junior college or polytechnic I want to go to, what career path I aspire to follow, but I can't make up my mind. 5 years old, I want to be a doctor. 10, I want to be a nurse. 13, I want to be an engineer. 14, I want to be a teacher. My mind runs in circles and I can't make up my mind. It drives me insane, I keep worrying whether I'll actually enjoy what I'll be doing in the future. I feel terrible. My grades are atrocious and I still choose the most stressful topics. Additional maths, pure triple science, higher mother tongue, and in comparison to those in my class, I am at the bottom of the leaderboard. Everyday goes by and I go through it slowly and I wonder if I actually enjoy living. I dunno what to do man.",Stress +48948,"Worrying what others are saying about me But nobody really cares right? + +I'm always thinking what others are thinking saying about me. + +But I guess when people are alone they are only thinking about themselves anyway right haha. + +Like if I thought someone was worrying about what my opinion of them was then I'd be laughing at that like why even care? + +So I guess no need for me to ruminate on things others done may say about about their opinions.",Stress +48949,,Stress +48950,"I had a mental breakdown at work and nearly lost my job This happened last Friday. I have always had an anxiety disorder and it has been worse with all the stress I have been under lately both at work as well as at home. I work for GM which everyone who don't work there knows as a good job, but in reality it has gone to shit. I was hired 16 years ago and was in the last group to get traditional pay, benefits, and a retirement plan so I can't find anything else that pays the same. Anyone hired after me is really fucked and there is a reason gm can't keep any of the new employees. I work in material handling and the company is working up towards outsourcing and cutting those jobs so they are cutting out full teams and overloading everyone that's left then telling us ""everything's going to change soon, just make it work for the next year"" I have some serious stuff going on at home that I don't want to get into and it just makes the work stress that much worse. On Friday I messed up, I knew I messed up and wasn't mad about getting written up or anything but the thing is, I spend 90% of my waking life (and my first ever anxiety attack was while I was asleep, I woke up thinking I was having a heart attack so probably my sleeping life also) feeling like something terrible is going to happen due to my anxiety. When I get in trouble, it felt like the end of the world. I took my break and paced around outside debating if I should call in my FMLA and leave work but when I came back something very small and stupid happened that set me off. I blew up on my group leader screaming at her that I can't fucking do this! Even though I hate GM she is the nicest lady and easily the best boss I have ever had and I feel like a complete scumbag. She tried to fire me and the union got it down to a suspension but I honestly couldn't feel worse if I had been fired. I'm so ashamed of myself for how I acted and have been in a deep depression for the last few days and haven't done much more than lay in bed crying. The worst part is that she thinks I did it because I was mad about the write up and thought I could bully her because she is a woman and week, apparently she has faced discrimination in previous jobs. I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself, and even though I didn't get fired I feel like nothing will ever be ok again.",Stress +48951,"The little things Hello, + +Does anyone else feel like they’re constantly getting stressed out by the little things? + +It seems like every day, there will be something to stress me out. The smallest things can bother me so much. I just get frustrated and upset when anything goes the least bit wrong, or when something doesn’t work properly, or whatever. + +It just gets so difficult to do anything, to focus on anything, without getting stressed and anxious, and I get a headache.",Stress +48952,"I’m struggling with school and I have a lot of stress and keep procrastinating So, As the title said. I’m struggling with school and nowadays I’m just really sad that I couldn’t get anything done because I’m always worrying about this and that and never get things done. By the time I stopped thinking it’s night and it’s late. And my school work are unfinished. So please give me some advice.",Stress +48953,,Stress +48954,"Stress/Anxiety I’ve been dealing with stress and anxiety for the last three months or so. I attribute it to my job and planning an upcoming wedding. I also have psoriasis, so that doesn’t help my case. + +Anyways, I’ve been improving but sometimes with get a body twitch or zap (as I describe it) that lasts less than a second. It usually occurs in my chest, rib cage or sometimes calves and is coupled with the feeling in my forehead or temples. I’ve had blood work done since this began as well as an EKG, and everything is normal. Any thoughts on what this could be and If it’s a result of stress/anxiety? Thanks!",Stress +48955,"Stressed Idk why but I always start to feel like shit when I gotta get ready to try and go to sleep. My mind starts going to ""I won't make it outta here"" at random moments. I'm just thinking about these jobs like wingstop is only paying $11 and apparently you can get a lot of hours when the new location opens up but I keep stressing about moving. Some people have it so fuckin easy where they can just get up and go. I don't have it like that. It's already hard to save money and than the stress of thinking about saving to move, saving to get a bike, possibly tryna get a license and car. I've been in this city so long, it's literally taking all of my energy. How do I start thinking I'll make it outta here? Will it ever happen? I wanna get back into school but idk what I wanna do but I gotta do something if I wanna get outta here. Idk who else might be in a situation like mine but damn this shit is so annoying. Working and making the bare minimum just to try and get by smh. I keep tryna think it'll be ok but idk. I really wanna move to have way better opportunities.",Stress +48956,Let me wash away your stress! https://youtube.com/shorts/RMc_nLqk8rU?feature=share,Stress +48957,"coworker is told to yell/abuse new ppl at work. Yeah, + +I rejected the supervisor and now she sent her minion to fuck with me and I just started this job. I get sick if people telling me to quit jobs because I've had several and all of them still present the same problem... + +I don't know why but this job will get me to the next level of my life and she is trying to make me quit. + +What would you do?",Stress +48958,"I did my job and I am hated for it My job is to investigate violations of my company’s policies and state/federal regulations. Usually my peers in leadership get along with me and coordinate with me during my investigations because 99/100 times I’m investigating lower level employees. + +Well… I just wrapped up an investigation that led to the firing of a prominent leader who was well liked by all and extremely effective in their role. The incident was not only a policy issue but also a serious violation of feral regulation so termination was the only solution (per our policies). + +Needless to say no one wants to speak to me because the leader has told them that I will turn on them if given the chance. It’s not that I had anything against the leader… I just have to support my family and do my job. I can’t sandbag investigations just because I like the person I’m investigating… + +How do I work with people who don’t like or trust me. A few have come up to me saying “ I know it was hard and I respect the integrity it took to reach that outcome” but most that I used to talk to all the time actively avoid me… + +I swear I’m not out to get people… I’ve been in a funk since this termination occurred. How should I get past it?",Stress +48959,,Stress +48960,"I’m so stressed out and I don’t know what to do I’m constantly stressed and i know it’s because I need to go outside and see people but i don’t know how to find events or anything. How do I do this, please help :(",Stress +48961,"tired of stress I know there will always be stress but wtf? Lately my life is about to roll me over. My job (cps investigator) has seen some of the worst abuse cases, my husband is having triple bypass surgery Tuesday and there is a good possibility he may not make it off the table and if he does, his recovery will be twice as long as normal. His untreated bipolar has led him to burn bridges with all his family so I am going to be the only caregiver. Next month is the 4 yr angel-versary of my only child's murder. I am finding it hard to find reasons to get out of bed anymore. I am in therapy and I am medicated. If it doesn't get better soon though, I don't know how much more I can take.",Stress +48962,Stress symptoms?? So I’ve been so stressed recently. Had the worst anxiety for the past 2 weeks. First it was eye pain now it’s back pain and side pain. I was worried so I went to the ER. They did blood work and checked if I had a uti or a certain std. everything came back normal. Very confused. Can anyone relate?,Stress +48963,"Thought action fusion – 37 bizarre everyday examples [*Thought action fusion*](https://negativestress.com/tag/thought-action-fusion/) *(TAF) is a cognitive distortion that occurs when a person believes that merely thinking about something is the same as actually doing it. This can lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, as well as problems with procrastination. TAF can lead to some negative consequences, such as anxiety and depression. However, it can also motivate us to take action and achieve our goals.* Read more about TAF here: [https://negativestress.com/thought-action-fusion-37-bizarre-everyday-examples/](https://negativestress.com/thought-action-fusion-37-bizarre-everyday-examples/)",Stress +48964,"Just a reminder to eat healthy when you're stressed. A stressed body is a damaged body, we need nutrients, vitamines, minerals, water and rest to repair the damage. And stay far away from foods that stress the body more, like sugars, white flour products and processed/factory foods. + +Take care of your physical, mental and emotional well-being and protect it with setting boundaries (towards yourself and others). It takes practice, but feels very rewarding when you protect to greatest and most important person in your life.. yourself.",Stress +48965,"Videogame burnout Part of me feels like this is a silly thing to be stressed about but the effect it has on me is very real and makes me feel terrible. + +I've been a gamer for 30 years. When I was a kid we had much less to choose from so playing the same videogame over and over wasn't a problem... these days we have tens of thousands to choose from and I own well over 1000 of them. This is my only major hobby, by the way, which is a problem in and of itself. I used to wake up and immediately starting playing something to keep away the feeling of dread in my life because I suffer from depression and anxiety. Games have been my only escape from that nightmare for many years. + +I'm finding now that I can't seem to find interest in them anymore. I have hundreds of games I've not even completed and I want to finish them but the motivation just isn't there. I will seriously stress myself out flipping through all of what I own trying to find one that catches my attention and nothing ever sticks out. I never had this issue 5 years ago but now I'll juat gwt frustrated, panic, and sit at home on my day off doing nothing because my one hobby seems useless to me now. I dont even know how to engage in other activities because I've been on the same pattern for so long. I really juat want to be able to focus and enjoy gaming again. + +This all sounds seriously dumb when I wrote it down, I almost don't want to post this because it feels that stupid but it genuinely makes me miserable. All I do is work and sit at home being bored and boredom is literally killing me. Without the motivation to engage in activities I become consumed by stress and depression. What can I do to find the motivation again? I'm going to go in circles until I die.",Stress +48966,"Subconscious stress I feel so relieved,free and light after taking a break for about 3-4 days from my daily college routine.I actually went home and enjoyed a lot.But now I realise that I have not felt like this for quite a long time especially since my 2nd proff in med school started.I felt like this after my 1st proff university exams were over and I used to feel like this when I was in my 11th and 12th grade.I guess there is a constant stress or anxiety going on in my subconscious mind that I am not able to feel on a day to day basis as I am very much used to it.Also I have lost taste in so many things.Things do not fascinate me as much as they used to.Even on mobile earlier I could watch from anything to everything and still enjoy.But after med school I do not find anything that much interesting.It may be underlying depression or it may be because I am overworking myself as I am going to library now a days.But also that may not be the case as I started going to library few days back only and I feel this problem has started from a long ago when I got into med school.Still if I think its because of overworking I just cannot cut it loose as in med school they teach at the speed of rocket as due to covid lag our sessions are cut short and still I am not able to cover it all.So doing even less will make me suffer in the long run. +So what to do? +Should I start studying with better techniques in order to cut short the time it takes?If so suggest some awesome study techniques. +What to do for underlying stress?should I try meditation? +What exactly it is and how to always feel calm,light,free,relieved and pleasant?",Stress +48967,"Can you be so stressed you’re not anymore? I had an awful day at work I handed back a wallet to who I thought was the correct person knew everything about it and matched the id. Maybe 5 hours later I get a call saying I handed it to the wrong person. I can’t remember anything about it now, and to make matters worse I think my cousin is in jail. I felt stressed and anxious to the point of throwing up, but now I don’t feel stressed at all. I was just wondering can you be so stressed you don’t feel stressed anymore?",Stress +48968,HELP I have been really stressed lately I know this doesn’t seem like a really big problem but I don’t know how not to be stressed I lost my Apple Watch and literally my mom said that she would kill me if I want to find it I’ve searched the entire house I can’t find it anywhere it’s dead I don’t know how to stop making myself stressed,Stress +48969,"Online Mental Health Survey Hi everyone! I'm designing an app to help people with mental distress. I created an online survey to gather some data on what people have found useful to cope with their symptoms. It is completely anonymous. Here is the link for anyone who is interested in participating! Thank you in advance :) + +[https://forms.gle/qaBix2TUCxEM7DZQ9](https://forms.gle/qaBix2TUCxEM7DZQ9)",Stress +48970,"Why does nobody talk about “high-functioning” stress? I’m the type of person who is constantly under stress but doesn’t realize it until I develop a nonstop eye twitch, my menstrual cycle is erratic, get a cold out of nowhere, migraines, etc. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and he’s acknowledged that it’s definitely a thing- some people are just so used to being stressed that they don’t notice a difference when they’re in a more high-stress situation until their body breaks down. + +The problem with high-functioning stress is that not only are people not aware that they’re stressed, but they don’t know how to handle it before their body sh*ts the bed. Ex: I feel fine (when I’m not) until a trigger happens and I’m left with an eye twitch and a random cold- which is THEN when I’m like “oh, I’m super stressed”, despite having been in a high-stress environment for a few weeks already and feeling the same. + +Does anyone else relate? I know I could try meditating or mediating my underlying stress but it feels useless when you don’t feel stressed in that moment (and have a million other important things to focus on- ironic).",Stress +48971,,Stress +48972,"Cute and funny aimal photos are helping me, might help you I found myself scrolling through social media, including Reddit, it’s literally helping!",Stress +48973,"Why does my body want to hold onto so much tension? I can be fully reclined in a lazy boy and by happenstance notice my muscles around my neck and shoulders straining as if trying to hold my head up off of the headrest. Mindfully, I break the tension and force myself to release and relax and I can feel my head, neck, shoulders and even my legs sink back into the chair. Moments later… my muscles are pulling into my center again just squeezing with tension. What is wrong with me? Why does my body insist on tensing up?",Stress +48974,"My Story I’m a Junior in high school and am constantly stressed about sports. I want to do so well in cross country and track that I take it super seriously. Lately I have been really loopy in the head and have had headaches. If this keeps going on idk what I’m gonna do. I’ve looked into it and have found high blood pressure to be a possibility, but I have good eating habits. Just wanted to talk about it, thanks guys🫤",Stress +48975,"Cost of living has changed everything. I'm making a little over 70k a year at a hospital and I am being priced out of Denver CO. I got a big raise this year but it feels more like a pay cut because I find I can no longer afford what I use to. Rent has gotten so out of hand my brother and I made a deal to rent a house together so we can save money. We both gave up our apartments not only to save money, but because the homeless crime is out of this world here in Denver. He makes over 100k a year and can't afford to buy a house. What is going on!? We both went to college and have good jobs. I can't comprehend how people are making it. I don't have kids and I couldn't imagine if I did. No baby formula and kids getting shot up in school. No thank you. I'm stressed because I'm really taken aback by all the nonstop nonsense and struggling. My Roth IRA is now losing money!?!? Wtf my retirement was supposed to be solid now I don't believe anything I was told growing up is real. My stability is being shaken and I don't believe in the USAs ability to keep it together. I think we are gonna fall down worse and apart. What do you think? + +How are you guys making it? Are you moving? Should I move? Are you guys starting to drown like me?!",Stress +48976,,Stress +48977,Break free from the habit of worrying! Here are hacks to break free from the habit of worrying and fearing and live a [stress-free life](https://fb.watch/dyEpXP1kSg/)!,Stress +48978,"What is the best cooling weighted blanket for adults? I have been looking for a summer weighted blanket for a while. Because I am always hot at night, I haven't been able to find one that keeps me cool as well as having the weighted benefits. Does anyone have a recommendations? 🙏",Stress +48979,"Heat exhaustion symptoms – 10 prevention tips *Summertime is a great time to get out and enjoy the weather, but it’s also important to be aware of the risks of heat exhaustion.* + +[*https://negativestress.com/heat-exhaustion-symptoms-10-prevention-tips/*](https://negativestress.com/heat-exhaustion-symptoms-10-prevention-tips/)",Stress +48980,"Do you know you can practice meditation while walking! Here is a practice of mindfulness, do meditation while walking or shopping. Meditation [on the go](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/guidedsessions/meditate-on-the-go?fbclid=IwAR1C_YAphHveDq7BgMEgJmaN-Ub1KDoVXRN21T38ZISUP7Z89CVNZoFzPn0).",Stress +48981,"Sometimes rest is what your business needs. To add to this, +I feel like resting should mean large amounts of time spent in stillness, and reflection. +Not just watching tv or being on your phone. +In nature or something that is spiritually renewing",Stress +48982,how do I manage my stress with my situation right now? This is my first post here and right now I'm beyond stressing out to the point I can't even focus lifting weights at the gym. I had a random drug test on monday for work and I do smoke weed but honestly only at night to help me get to sleep since it's legal in Illinois I can do it but my work policy is I think anything over 200 nano grams and you don't pass the test I got I to work today and I've been freaking out massively about this since Monday I can keep from feeling like as soon as I go in to work today im gonna be fired and I can't lose this job.,Stress +48983,,Stress +48984,"Nobody listens to me… Hello there, I am very tired of having people not be interested in what I have to say. My whole “family” is just so annoying. + +For example today I was trying to talk about something really important to me with my mother, it meant a lot to me because I don’t normally open up. My mother after hearing this went “mm, okay,” and then went on her phone. We were in the car so I held back tears the entire drive home and when I finally got to my room and cried my eyes out. + +This has happened a lot as my mother is not a very emotional person. Whenever I open up I think that maybe she will react nicely but this one was the last straw. The fact that she couldn’t even say anything back to me about this thing was appalling and it broke my heart. + +Another person who is frustrating is my brother. I could listen to him talk about video games for four hours straight and have a great conversation but the moment I mention something I want to talk about he goes on his phone and ignores me. + +Don’t get me wrong he is way better than my mother but still really disappointing. + +I have always been taught to hold it in and never speak about my feelings and it really sucks. I really want goo friends where they don’t mind that I am not very expressive, or they will listen when I am stressed and will let me cry on their shoulder and vise versa. I wanna be able to talk about stuff that I enjoy and people actually be interested in what I have to say. + +Anyways, I am never going to talk about anything with my “family” ever again and one day I will have a real family. + +See ya! 👋🏻",Stress +48985,"Complete silence might help you destress. Recently I’ve been thinking about over indulging on digital devices. Podcasts, entertainment, emails, texts, even MUSIC. +When do our minds get a break from the constant overload on information? I have found that when I put everything away and just have silence, my thoughts are a lot better and I feel more in control. +This is something I want to implement into my coaching, getting away from digital distraction.",Stress +48986,"What If You’re Doing Better Than You Think? It’s not unusual for a person to think they’re doing worse than they actually are. Some of us are pessimistic, others have limiting beliefs lurking: I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy – progress is just luck, setbacks re-enforce limiting beliefs. + +### Consider these positive signs: + +· **You reflect on, and learn from, setbacks and errors.** You arrive at a balanced view of these and develop clear plans to learn and continue growing. People often repeat the same errors over and over, whether it’s overspending or choosing a partner. People have a strong tendency to repeat their behaviours. But you can choose to respond differently – and achieve different outcomes + +· **You’re clear on what you want – and why.** Knowing what you want is the second key step in getting it (knowing who and what you are is the first). Knowing what you want differentiates you from those who aimlessly floating through life. + +· **You use time wisely.** We all have 168 hours each week and the choice on how to use them. You focus on what is important, within the context of who you are and what you have chosen to achieve. You have the habit of asking yourself what is the most effective thing you could be doing right now. + +· **You’re making consistent progress.** Consistent progress is a great sign. Even when your goals feel far in the distance, regular progress – driven by consistent effort and learning – will get you there. As well as planning what more needs to be done, reflect on how far you have already come. + +· **You’re not alone.** There are many people are alone in the world. If you’re not alone, you’re doing better than many others. + +· **You’re committed.** You know who you are and what you’re about. Your goals are clear. They create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future. Great things happen when your purpose and your environment align. + +· **You consider other’s opinions.** You learn what is resourceful to you and discard what isn’t. You live your life, not theirs. + +· **You are grateful.** You regularly reflect on what has gone well and – crucially – on why it has gone well. You have skills and strengths you don’t even realise. + +· **You’re authentic.** You know you values and beliefs. You make your decisions and take your actions consistent with these. + +When you’re clear on what you have chosen to accomplish, and you’re spending your time wisely, you’re doing well – and better than most! This is true, even if the results have yet to reveal themselves. + +**Genuine Desire + Effective Strategy + Consistent Persistence = Authentic Results**",Stress +48987,"I want to do so many things but have no time I work 25 hours a week at a clinic/remotely, am a part-time online MPH student, and am also working on several projects on the side. I feel like I have no time to pursue hobbies I once loved doing - learning new languages, playing the piano, cooking and baking. By the time, I'm done with work, all I want to do is watch TV and hang out with my pets. I have only 2 hours at the end of the day. Even socializing feels exhausting these days and I've been rather isolated. + +I have been recovering from surgeries this year (3 major ones) and I have still managed to stay busy. Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I'm a rather boring person lately, but I just am so drained. + +&#x200B;",Stress +48988,"Seascapes, a playlist of smooth instrumentals and soft vocals great for focus, productivity and relaxation. Destress and lighten up your day with some great music. Enjoy! [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/28hLyn3dYE70ZOKye24IhI](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/28hLyn3dYE70ZOKye24IhI)",Stress +48989,"Is it good to only focus on 1 goal? What I mean is, for example I have these goals: + +1. Find a good job OR start and grow a succesful company +2. Find the one who will marry me in the future +3. Find out which religion is the true one / read the whole bible + +So my idea is, I will only work towards one goal at the same time. If I choose goal 1 and I choose to study or gain work experience, then I will not read the bible and I will not be on dating apps, because I should not overwhelm myself and risk a burn-out. If I choose goal 2, I will be very busy with dating apps and alternatives, but I will not have a job and I will not be studying. If I choose 3, I will read the bible a few hours every day, but I will not do any other productive things. + +What is the good side of this by my own thought? + +1. Whichever goal is the most important one, OR has to be completed the fastest, can get priority and full focus :) +2. By only having one thing to work on, you have less risk of ending up with 0 free time, so you can avoid burn-out and instead, work at your own pace. (careful: do not get lazy) + +What is the bad side of this by my own thought? + +1. Spending hours everyday on the same goal only, can become boring. Some goals also do not require many hours every day: for example going to the gym. Being in the gym for 5 hours is a terrible idea, so if you have goals that require less time per day, you can actually pick 2 or 3 of these goals to fill your day. +2. Some goals must be worked on at the same time. For example, you should not avoid studying because you're too busy with going to gym. But while you study, going to the gym is still important for your health. So I would call this an exception to this ""1 goal only"" idea. + +These days it seems socially acceptable that people do 3 things at the same time: study, have a job, have a social life. Where's the free time to relax? Right it doesnt exist, and even worse, sometimes all these activities take up more than 24 hours a day, which results in someone being overwhelmed and getting behind on everything. Actually this is what I have experienced. Its not a theory, it is very real. + +I have a burn-out. I have been stressed 24/7 for a really long time, because I was focusing on too many things at once. I had to get my homework done, I had to spend all my free time on dating apps, I had to go to gym, etc, I had no free time left. + +So my plan is to only work on one goal at once, and spend all free time as actual free time, to relax or enjoy it. + +Question : is this a good idea, or do you see any flaws with it?",Stress +48990,"Head pressure, ear wooshing, stiff neck, and headache I already wrote a message to my Doctor, so rest assured I will get appropriate medical care. But I am wondering if anyone else ever goes through this? On a daily basis, and sadly due to mental health and living with family, I am very stressed... However, I also have a hobby that is my favorite hobby but also puts a lot of pressure on me, which is competitive gaming. I wouldn't say pressure, but... Concentration and adrenaline, etc. + +Almost every day, for... a long time now, longer than I even can think of, I have really weird head pressure. It's like a headache with a stiff neck and when I realize I am holding my breath, I take a deep breath and feel like I haven't breathed all day. Lately, it's been worse. Feeling almost sick or like I'd feel after crying AND I also have ear wooshing in my right ear, whenever there is silence. + +Does anyone else have this happen or know what this might be? I tried looking up what I'm going through and cannot really find anything, especially the head pressure. It's just a feeling of ""I don't feel right."" too... I am going to try to post this on an anxiety Reddit too, to see if anyone there might have a clue as well.",Stress +48991,"My life is boring I fear for how boring my future life is. I see how my life is planned out and I hate it. I see myself going to college and then graduate school, then meeting my husband through my parents, marrying someone who is part of my culture, having 2+ kids, and raising them in the suburbs near my parents, constantly working to make money so I can give my kids a nice life and taking my salary and putting it into a college fund, just so this life can be replicated by my kids. It’s boring and I hate it. I want more. I want to be famous and make something of myself and do something. I don’t want to be boring. The only problem is I only care about success and I only want to do something I love if I will be successful because if I’m not I feel I’m still living the same boring life. I need help because this is keeping me up all night of everyday and I think about it almost every second except when I eat, sleep, and watch TV.",Stress +48992,"School harassment I’ve been under so much stress from school because I have finals coming up and to make it all worse, all of my “friends” were actually just using me for money and to get things, and now that they know i don’t want to be friends with them, they are doing things like graffiti and putting my name on it, and spreading rumours about me, and on a few occasions even assaulting me, the rumours I can handle but the graffiti/vandalism can and mostly likely will get me in a lot of trouble, possible suspension and community service. I don’t feel safe going to school, I don’t feel safe in the places I should, and all of the stress added on my anxiety it’s just to much for me to handle.",Stress +48993,Thinking you have $ go get a coffee.. declined card. Try again thinking it’s just my card.. declined. Maybe it’s their machine.. decline.,Stress +48994,"Invite Harmony in Life with Sound Bath Meditation! Acclaimed musician Jeralyn Glass's crystal singing bowl [concert](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42HGMnra7_k)features meditation sounds to infuse your being with gratitude, invite more harmony into your life and relieve stress.",Stress +48995,"Tips on dealing with stress headaches? Hi! I’m someone who normally never gets headaches, but I think I might be dealing with stress headaches. I’ve been going through a lot of change that is creating a lot of stress in my life and difficulty sleeping (even with melatonin/gummies that supposed to help me sleep). I’ve been having headaches for the last couple days and had one all day today since I woke up. What are some ways to deal with stress headaches?",Stress +48996,Chronic stress and hypertension in 10 minutes [https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalhealth/comments/v1smjv/chronic\_stress\_and\_hypertension\_in\_10\_minutes/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/mentalhealth/comments/v1smjv/chronic_stress_and_hypertension_in_10_minutes/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3),Stress +48997,,Stress +48998,,Stress +48999,"Feeling a bit ""out of mind"" and at 95%ish of my cognitive capabilities, blood tests okay, anyone experienced this? Ok so I know reddit is not the best place for medical advice but I also want some strangers' opinions. + +I've never experienced stress/anxiety problems, even under pressure with uni/work, but I put a lot of pressure on myself in many other aspects of my life and a couple of years ago I started getting a bit of shortness of breath, checked with the doctor in case it was Asthma but it was alright and with time I realised when this happened it was because of stress which made it way better and I rarely get those flare ups anymore, so that's cool. + +Last month I was under a lot of stress and for some days I started feeling light-headed and a bit dizzy. The best way to describe this would be: + +- Slightly out-of-mind +- I feel like my cognitive capabilities are at 90-95% of the usual +- Cloudy head, like what I would experience being slightly drunk (not a lot) + +I went to the doctor really worried and got a blood test and stuff and they said I was healthy and probably was stress. + +But the thing is it's been a month like this already, sometimes I feel great (although not as a month ago), specially when doing stuff that makes me forget about this (ie videogames, series...) others I feel like shit, does anyone experience something similar and if so any recommendations? + +I'm also a bit worried because the first day I really experienced this I did a pretty intense session of cardio (had been doing a lot during those weeks on top of the stress from uni) so I am slightly worried it is actually something ""body"" related even if the tests came out okay, going for chill walks doesn't seem to be helping probably because I'm overthinking this all the time. + +Thanks",Stress +49000,"Stress Controls My Life! Hey Guys! + +I'm a twenty-one year old student that is currently drowning in the stress that is coming from my college course and my new part-time job. + +My job is causing me an unreal amount of anxiety, to the point where I have to hide in the basement sometimes so I can calm down. I work for a second hand shop for games, DVDs, consoles, and devices like phones and laptops, I started working here about a month ago and from my first day I realised that I was really going to struggle here. + +It's a team of about 25 people and nearly all of them are moody pricks that haven't even introduced themselves to me yet! When I ask them a question they give me a look as if I've just murdered their pets. I try to be nice, and I try to keep a positive outlook, but these people are majorly draining my energy and fuelling my anxiety. The customers are even worse! I've been called homophobic slurs, had games and DVDs tossed at my head and have had my life threatened by these people. + +I haven't been trained properly either. I got thrown on the tills with about two minutes explanation of how they work! My till has been down in cash about four times, due to my crappy training and yet somehow this is my fault - maybe it is, but I'm putting this down to crappy training. + +I can't afford to leave this job, I seriously can't. But I also can't stand being there any more. The job market in Scotland is awful at the moment and virtually no companies hiring right now. + +Please, give me some advice before I start screaming every time I think about my work.",Stress +49001,"essential oil diffuser not doing its job i got the target brand one today, and im using it as the box instructs, 5 drops , water to the max line and its been a few hours and it doesnt seem to be giving any “aromatherapy” being an understatement lol. any idea? can i use more oil drops that what is reccomended?",Stress +49002,"High Cortisol Can anyone help me decipher this blood work? + +[https://ibb.co/vQ0XBbg](https://ibb.co/vQ0XBbg) + +Cortisol came back high. + +I don't know if this is just kinda high and I shouldn't worry about it or if this is extremely high? + +I have been under going some major financial changes and having extreme fatigue the last 4 weeks despite getting 8-10 hours of sleep per night. + +Besides stress management is there medication that can be taken to help with high cortisol?",Stress +49003,"My work stress is destroying my quality of life I'm not very good at my job. I've been there about six years and have been promoted a could of times. The money is quite good, which makes it really hard to leave. Internally I feel like I'm melting down. I think it's really starting to affect my brain chemistry. I couldn't stop worrying about work when I took a week off a while back. My boss seems to hate me for some reason (I've never antagonised her, I roll over on stuff just to keep the peace). I feel pathetic and the job is making me hate myself. I became a father about seven months ago. I'm worried that I will raise my child in a stressful home, but what's the alternative? I can leave my job, I need to support my family.",Stress +49004,"Help for my husband My husband is so stressed out at work. I am trying to get him into therapy because it’s taking a toll on his body. He is so stressed out and will go up to 48 hours without sleep sometimes. I am trying to get him into therapy. I am scared a doctor is just going to give him a sleeping pill because he will tell them “I can’t sleep because I get stressed”. But the truth is he can’t sleep because he takes way over his prescribed amount of adderol to work, then can’t sleep so he takes Benadryl and drinks a bottle of wine, then still can’t sleep so says fuck it and takes more adderol and a Red Bull to just keep working. It’s a vicious cycle. He won’t admit he had a problem with substance abuse. He’s told his doctor in the past he couldn’t sleep and they just prescribe more pills. Thankfully he stopped taking those a few years ago. I worry if he finally goes to therapy they will just prescribe him more. He won’t be fully honest with the actual issue on hand. Which is substance abuse and needing a healthy way to cope with stress and manage his time. And by the way, this is not new with this job. We met back in college and he would have spells of times during finals for example he would do this",Stress +49005,"Im freaking out and my perfectionism is ruining my grades I have an exam in a few hours but I just can't focus on studying, I've been working hard in the middle of the semester its my fourth year in college and I want to have good grades for once but I somehow always end up wasting the time right before the exam and I hate myself because now even if I make it I'm going to get an average grade at best I'm so angry at myself and I don't know how to change I don't want to keep feeling like my efforts mean nothing I want them to be fruitful",Stress +49006,"Friends Is it normal to constantly worry about my actions around my friends? + +I [M] started worrying about whether my friends, or at least my general ones, were just about putting up with me. I feel as if I am unwanted around people I consider friends. Conversations seem to start with being lightly involved ( since I'm present at the start) and seem to be directed at other people, say I was with 2 others they would talk between themselves. +I may be overreacting which is probably the case but it seems when playing football during breaks at school, I seem in no way involved like my other friends are. +People I like as friends seem to disregard me in most things, for example if I had a group project of some description with groups of 6, I seem to be the 7th person constantly. + +I also feel that I do not want to let go of my friendships, how rough it may be on me, due to me having no other people to turn with. +I don't want to be alone, that seems like a bad life to lead but again it appears that sometimes, for others sake not just mine, me distancing myself from them would not be bad. + +This does tie into r/stress in a way that I am not myself but the person others want me to be, constantly aware of my actions, hardly any of them I would do of my own accord. It is sometimes tiring.",Stress +49007,"Severe chronic stress. Can medication help? Hi I have had a series of extreme stress and my stress response is broken. My head hurts, I feel agitated, and can't think clearly, my muscles ache too, and I lack empathy. Is there anything that can break this out? I've had it for months after getting out of DPDR. Medication? + +Thank you.",Stress +49008,"Thesis stress is driving me crazy, never feel this bad for school I'm an international student in my last year of uni now, but for the first time in 3.5 years I study here this is the first time I feel this bad. My thesis deadline is in less than a week and just a few days ago I received feedback that I need to change the whole structure. It takes so much time but I'm trying my best and it seems like it's getting there, but I still feel so stressed. I feel like my self esteem is so low because for this whole thesis process I always feel like I'm dumb and not good enough +I don't feel like eating anything because everything suddenly taste like paper for me. Everyday I wake up the first thought is about my thesis and I feel like I couldn't afford break. Yesterday I worked on my thesis from 9am to 11:30pm without a break more than 10 minutes. I also feel like crying but also feel like I can't afford the time to cry at this point. I want to give up so bad but I can't afford it. My parents spent excessive amount of money for me to study abroad and I feel like I need to graduate. I don't know what to do...I understand that I should keep going it's only a few days more but I can't stand this constant anxiety and I feel like I could burst at any time",Stress +49009,"What If You’re Doing Better Than You Think? It’s not unusual for a person to think they’re doing worse than they actually are. Some of us are pessimistic, others have limiting beliefs lurking: I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy – progress is just luck, setbacks re-enforce limiting beliefs. + +### Consider these positive signs: + +· **You reflect on, and learn from, setbacks and errors.** You arrive at a balanced view of these and develop clear plans to learn and continue growing. People often repeat the same errors over and over, whether it’s overspending or choosing a partner. People have a strong tendency to repeat their behaviors. But you can choose to respond differently – and achieve different outcomes + +· **You’re clear on what you want – and why.** Knowing what you want is the second key step in getting it (knowing who and what you are is the first). Knowing what you want differentiates you from those who aimlessly floating through life. + +· **You use time wisely.** We all have 168 hours each week and the choice on how to use them. You focus on what is important, within the context of who you are and what you have chosen to achieve. You have the habit of asking yourself what is the most effective thing you could be doing right now. + +· **You’re making consistent progress.** Consistent progress is a great sign. Even when your goals feel far in the distance, regular progress – driven by consistent effort and learning – will get you there. As well as planning what more needs to be done, reflect on how far you have already come. + +· **You’re not alone.** There are many people are alone in the world. If you’re not alone, you’re doing better than many others. + +· **You’re committed.** You know who you are and what you’re about. Your goals are clear. They create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future. Great things happen when your purpose and your environment align. + +· **You consider other’s opinions.** You learn what is resourceful to you and discard what isn’t. You live your life, not theirs. + +· **You are grateful.** You regularly reflect on what has gone well and – crucially – on why it has gone well. You have skills and strengths you don’t even realise. + +· **You’re authentic.** You know you values and beliefs. You make your decisions and take your actions consistent with these. + +When you’re clear on what you have chosen to accomplish, and you’re spending your time wisely, you’re doing well – and better than most! This is true, even if the results have yet to reveal themselves. + +**Genuine Desire + Effective Strategy + Consistent Persistence = Authentic Results**",Stress +49010,"Dizzy and lightheaded due to stress? Lately I’ve been getting moments on and off where I suddenly feel dizzy and or lightheaded. I’ve been to the dr and all my bloodwork looks good. + +I know I’m currently really stressed and it flares up extra when something unexpected happens. It’s more an annoyance than anything else bc nothing is actually WRONG with me for me to go to hospital or leave work just to have it happen again the next time I get overwhelmed. + +Has anyone experienced this?",Stress +49011,"Do my symptoms mean stress? I am stressed, dealing with some big changes in my business, and possibly closing up shop. I started this business when I was 19, now 32, its been my whole life. However I've never experienced symptoms this extreme before. Usually I just get tension in my neck from stress. + +After a process of elimination I am now starting to consider it may be stress. I'm not myself lately. The frustrating part is these symptoms have been going on 3 weeks now and I can't figure it out. + +My biggest symptom is **Extreme Fatigue** both physical and mental despite sleeping more. I can't clench my fists as hard as usual to give you a scale. I sleep more than normal lately and wake up very tired. + +**Easily startled**. I guess this means for some reason my guard is up. + +**I'm very hungry**\-The sensation to eat is still there despite after eating a meal and my stomach being full. + +**Disorientation**\- This one is hard to explain. In groups of people I get confused if they are looking at me or the person next to me. When I went out dancing and spinned I had a hard time not stumbling. + +\*\*Mental Fog-\*\*I'm ""Spacey"" + +\*\*Irritable-\*\*I just feel like I've got bad vibes right now. In situations I should be good spirited and I irritated easy. A little inconvenience will feel like a huge problem. + +**Headaches**\-I usually wake up with a headache. + +**Low motivation-** I love to workout but I've been skipping days. Very uncharacteristic of me. Days I do go I force myself. I'll procrastinate small easy projects. + +**Weakness.** + +**Dreaming more.** + +Could these by symptoms of extreme stress?",Stress +49012,"Please check out my website which helps you meditate. Meditation is a proven way to reduce stress and anxiety, and I have made a free web app that will help you meditate. Please give it a try. + +link: [https://anmolgairola.github.io/breath/](https://anmolgairola.github.io/breath/)",Stress +49013,"Open to Drugs I can’t take it anymore. My body is tingling with physical and mental pain daily. School and work and family and being 25 years young in this insane and financially uncertain world. I am finally open to drug usage. Please tell me what to do (opiates/morphine/ether/xanax, etc).",Stress +49014,"Falling apart Such a damn mess inside. Dealing with who knows what kind of mental illness. Therapy once a month does nothing we’ve gotten nowhere on figuring out and I need help right now damn it. Paranoid delusions, depression, obsessions, anxiety, a boyfriend who couldn’t possibly understand even if he tried, no money living at home is my only stability and I’m so sick. Cant sleep or eat or cry or think, dysfunctional. my life has been this high stress and more times 1000, I’m 21 years old and after 13 years of my life being a sick mind game from hell, I’m just dragging face down in glass and Now when life is good my brain is so soaked from untreated trauma and stress and growing mental illness, fear of medication that I ruin everything. I’m so screwed. I just need to write this out. No idea what to do with myself no energy or motivation everything hurts. Thanks for reading my fun little paragraph.",Stress +49015,"Need help!! (19M) My visa interview is coming up soon, and it will be about studying in another country and it is very important decision that i made. My entire family is actually cheering for me to succeed. They aren't putting any pressure on me, so I can't say they are. But I feel stressed by myself. I am concerned that what if the visa officer rejects me? What will happen to the hopes of my well-wishers? These questions keep popping into my head, and I'm starting to feel stressed. I'm in desperate need of assistance, so I'm sharing my story here. What should I do to gain complete confidence and stop worrying about what might happen if? +Most of the time, I fail because I am concerned about the consequences of my failure rather than focusing on what i do.",Stress +49016,,Stress +49017,"Exposed to extreme trauma on the daily Hi, I work as an Autopsy Technician. Burnout is starting to get to me. This sort of work chips away at you even if you are the strongest of heart and mind. I'm already in to deep to get out. The job pays okay, but significantly better than any other job I could get in my area, by 8-9 dollars hourly. That and my benefits are outrageously good with bonuses annually, sometimes twice a year. I just don't know what I can do to not feel or be so tense and stressed that isn't self destructive. Therapy only goes so far when you still have to go see and mutilate the bodies of children and babies almost on the daily. That and just horrific crimes in general. I use to think it was cool and it still is in a way, but like I said. Chips away. It's also not a cakewalk to leave it all at the morgue easy. Idk if you have any advice or tips let me know.",Stress +49018,,Stress +49019,"Hi, I need some help A friend of mine has issues with high levels of stress, so much that his hair turns white, he goes to therapy but I'd really appreciate some tips on how he can manage it better, thank you so much in advance",Stress +49020,"I feel constantly stressed after going through 5 months of severe stress I feel incredibly bad. I get tension headaches everyday, insomnia, and I am low on motivation and empathy and still feel this way even after the good sleep I got tonight. I went through severe chronic stress and anxiety and I self harmed myself and went against all my values, I imagine it's damaged my mental health/brain a lot. :( + +I even have irritable thoughts of my friends when I loved them and always thought the best. I feel sick and ashamed of myself. I don't know if it will get better. Self compassion and compassion for others would help but I regret everything so much and don't think clearly or have the calm and loving emotions and passion I used to.",Stress +49021,"I really hate myself rn I just lost probably one of the best and closest friends ive ever had. idk what i did wrong, she told me that i was being strong on her (idk wut that means being hard on her or pushing it to far?) and she says that some of my jokes make her feel uncomfortable. I got mad and said if u don't wanna be friends anymore then that's fine goodbye. I really wish I didn't say that cuz then she blocked me on insta, snap, and twitter, and even my number. I reached out to another friend to ask her why she did that. the response I got was that my friend just wants to be left alone. Idk if that means she doesn't wanna talk to me anymore or if she just wants to have a lil space for a while idk? what makes me more anxious is that we both work at the same place and that's how we meet and became close friends. before all this, she really liked talking to me and she thought of me as like a best friend that she's known for years even tho we only known each other for like 2 years now, and she really gets my humor and I think of her as like a big sister figure to me, she always askes me if im feeling down when i am. I tried reaching out to my other friends to help calm me down and try my best to forget about what happened but nothing worked. My friends and other people just say people come and go but it doesn't help or work. I just want my friend back and I wanna talk to her again before all of this happened. I don't even know",Stress +49022,"What is this Feeling? So occasionally, I'll have this moment. I'll think of something from my past, maybe one of the times I went to a water park as a child, maybe seeing fireworks, a carnival I went to with my first steady girlfriend, maybe it's even a song from Melissa Ethridge's ""Yes I Am"", the first album I remember listening to (specifically Silent Legacy for some reason). Maybe my thoughts are on little kid me catching tadpoles with my mom's friend's kids. Or the countless sunsets I have been mesmerized by. Or the time I went to Dave and Buster's with my parents and they dropped me off at McDonald's on the way home and I played Monopoly on my iPod when I was a senior in high school. In any case, I'll look back at it and begin to choke up. It usually happens when I'm alone, maybe in a dark room, playing a game or just wandering about my mind, and these thoughts appear and it's a mixture of missing it and this dread of what's approaching. + +I can remember doing this all my life, having these thoughts and these feelings. I've described it as my bittersweet struggle with nostalgia, but my girlfriend doesn't think that's it. As an adult, I think it's longing for a time where the events were great, a realization that said event will probably never happen again or at least won't be the same. I start to cry most of the time, but it isn't like I'm in a bad spot. As I said, this has happened throughout my life. And they're seemingly random events, most of them happy, despite whatever was happening. Like that first girlfriend I mentioned? A little abusive, nothing hardcore. The occasional genuine ""you're an idiot"", or the time she slapped me so hard I fell off my bed. But I think of when we went to an anime convention and I get sad. I still go to that convention, but for some reason this bitter sadness washes over me. And there's other little things I could pepper into these thoughts like this. But it always seems like I was happy, I miss the event, if I can go back to the location or event in current day it will be different, and I'm afraid of what's coming ahead in life. + +I'm only 27, so I don't want to believe these instances are some sort of midlife crisis. If I had to give a pattern, these thoughts and feelings occur about once a month. Is this what nostalgia is supposed to feel like? What's the word for these feelings?",Stress +49023,Stress I’m so stressed right now that my heart is racing I’m laying down I just want to rest and sleep I only slept 4 hours last night but this heart racing won’t let me I’m just so stressed I don’t know what to do not sure how to calm down I’m breathing fine I want to play videogames to get my mind off things and stress down but im just too exhausted,Stress +49024,"Bizzare Dreams I used to smoke weed for about 15 years and during that time I almost never had dreams, sleep was just empty space and I kind of preferred that. I quit smoking about 5 months ago and ever since then I've had really bizzare dreams every night without fail. Only about 2% of my dreams are enjoyable and the rest range from not so good to absolutely bizzare. I suffer from pretty extreme stress on a daily basis which seems to bleed into my dreams so I often wake up feeling like halfway between reality and obscurity which lingers for hours after I wake up. This is quite unpleasant. + +Is there any way to have more control over what my dreams are about or to stop dreaming entirely? I'm almost ready to pick up smoking again just to make it stop.",Stress +49025,"Nervous about my final exam for this class I’m a non-traditional college student who went back to community college in 2020. I started off taking algebra 2, then precalculus, then trigonometry, and now I’m in Differential Calculus. I’ve gotten straight A’s in all my completed math courses as well as A’s in non-math courses (1 B in an English class) and I really need to maintain my GPA since I really want to get into a top BSN program in my country. That program requires taking a lot of prerequisites that are STEM heavy (organic chemistry, calculus). The reason why I want to make this my goal is because growing up, I’ve always been told I was mediocre and dumb by people in my family as well as outsiders. I also see my parents getting older each day and it pains me in my heart to realize that I’m consider a failure in their eyes. So far I have a 97.78% in my Calc class but finals is in 12 days and I know nothing about the last chapter of my calculus class (this current professor does not teach at all compared to my past math professors) so I always just end up watching YouTube videos and asking redditors on the math subreddit. The thing is I’m feeling extreme procrastination at this point and I just want this class to be over because the professor is so terrible. My issue is that I want to maintain an A but since my finals is literally 30% of my grade I am scared that I won’t have an A anymore if I bomb it. Are there any tips y’all can give me to not stress so much and to stop procrastination?",Stress +49026,"Looking for online stress forums or support groups. Help. Hello, + +I´ve been struggling with stress for a while now and I have tried many things. Some things work for a while others not so much. I would like to know if there are any support or forums for stress, worldwide, online. If they speak English the better but I can´t handle face to face anything right now. Please help. + +EDIT: Thanks for all the people who reply, even via private. I'm in therapy and taking meds, I do exercise 5 times a week and I'm not addicted to substances. Still looking for anything you can recommend. ",Stress +49027,"What do you struggle with the most when stressed? Often when I am stressed, it seems to have come out of nowhere. I usually don’t see it coming beforehand which makes it difficult to anticipate. When I look back I might be able to find the signs but it is still hard to identify clear ones. + +I decided to do a design project about it and I realized that you guys can help me gain a deeper understanding based on your experiences. + +* What do you have the most difficulty with when you are stressed? +* What has helped you the most with managing your stress? + +It would be super helpful to hear about your insights!",Stress +49028,"I don’t know what to do. My stress levels are so high that my hair is falling out and I have to stop myself from randomly crying. I’m not saying I have it worse than anyone else, but I’d really like help figuring out how to better manage. The meds I’m on to combat my hair loss worked great for months…but even those aren’t helping as much…",Stress +49029,"I live at my parents house, I don't have to pay bills, I don't have a job, I don't study, BUT I still feel stressed out and exhausted. Even without a job and responsibilities, I still have so many things that I have to do, or worry about. Why is life so stressful? What can I do about it? I have to work on my health. I have to make doctor appointments. I have to go to therapists. I have to maintain my friendships. I have to figure out which religion I'm going to follow (I believe in God but was grown up atheist, so religion is what I'm figuring out currently). I have to deal with friends that got mad at me, or are about to leave me. I have to deal with my mental issues. I have to fix my laptop and my phone. I have to figure out what career I wanna do in my life. I have to enjoy free time. And alot more things that I didnt think of right now. + +I \*have to\* to so many things, that it drains all my energy and motivation. If I had a job, or was still studying, it would have been MUCH worse for me. Its the reason why I was forced to quit studying earlier this year. + +I worry about so many things, and I have so many things on my to-do list, it is simply more than I can handle. This feels like a 168 hours per week job that never ends. + +And yes, I do take free time to relax. I play videogames, I go outside for walks, and ofcourse I sleep. HOWEVER, I always feel guilty when forcing myself to have free time. ""I have so many things on my to-do list which is growing bigger every day, I should be working hard to prevent my to-do list from getting bigger right now, but I'm wasting my time on entertainment right now"". With this feeling in the back of my mind, I cannot really enjoy free time that I take (which feels like cheating, its like borrowing money because youre in big debt, but here I'm borrowing free time from the future because I'm in big debt) I cannot relax. No matter what I do. Whetner I'm working on my ""have to's"" or trying to relax with free time, I always feel like there is so much that I still have to do, and my motivation is completely 0. + +My life has too many ""have to"" activities, which I cannot all do at the same time, but I always feel guilty about not working as hard as I could. On the other side, I completely have no motivation to work on anything. + +My to-do list grows bigger every day, and it's making me insane.",Stress +49030,"20M, My stress is so overwhelming. I feel like I’ve been forgotten I have so many bills to manage and I know so little about managing money on top of that my dad is an alcoholic so after I come out of work everyday (40-50hrs) he gives me problems. I work so much and go through so much everyday that I can’t proceed with my own future, I can’t properly deal with my own insecurities when I have to handle everything else. I’m so tired. +I wonder if things get easier",Stress +49031,"I’m stressed due to work any advice So I’m currently working more then 50 hours and barely getting a day off due to someone deciding to quit while I was on holiday and to top it off we don’t have a manager and I’ve been left in charge of the place with barely any training and support, it’s affecting my personal life and my mental health",Stress +49032,"covid has made me really ugly I see it. it has changed my face. the extreme and traumatizing hardships I went through with covid really changed my face. it changed my life 180 degrees. work and lifestyle. being isolated for so long on my own. wave after wave and variant battered me. so much worrying. psychological stresses. was forcefully admitted to mental health hospital twice during this time. my eyesight has degraded and I see double vision. never had this before. + +and saying, try to relax and meditate is like trying to put out a big fire with a small paper towel instead of a large heavy blanket. it doesnt do anything. + +the only thing good from it, is that I awoke from the matrix. im not blind to whats happening.",Stress +49033,"Weird stress symptom I just noticed I have. So... a couple of weeks ago I had to move 36 items, each weighing about 25ish lbs. So... when I realized my upper abs were sore a few days later. I ASSUMED it was that. Until yesterday, when I realized that I'm pretty sure it's from stress. It's hard to describe... but its the area when you bear down/push. But i realized I randomly contact that area and hold the muscles tense. Now my upper abs are very sore. So yeah.... the random things that stress does to ya!",Stress +49034,"Are You an Introvert with Anxiety? Anxiety. That emotion warning us something threatening is just about to happen. Life-saving when we are genuinely threatened, damaging when we become constantly anxious: anxiety is tiring – it is meant to be. We are only meant to be anxious for very short periods. When prolonged, it isn’t just tiring – it is exhausting. Sound familiar? + +Introverts. Those of us who prefer calm situations and environments. We prefer to re-charge on our own. We often enjoy losing ourselves in our own thoughts. We tend to have small, close-knit, social lives it doesn’t mean we’re anti-social! + +Not all introverts experience anxiety, and you don’t have to be an introvert to struggle with it. Many introverts deal with anxiety, though, so this is quite common. + +Here are the key signs you’re an introvert with anxiety: + +· You’re more prepared than most others because you’ve already thought through the worst-case scenarios. + +· You have a tendency to over-think things and pay too much attention to your negative self-talk. + +· You feel you always have to be doing something – being busy (which is often different from being effective) may be a means of trying to cope with the anxiety. + +· You tend to prefer routines to novel situations. While this can be fine for periods, boredom and unexpected issues arising can easily throw you in to a spin. + +· You’re often nervous without showing it – many become very effective at masking their emotions as a defence mechanism. + +· You are more likely to perceive situations as being more dangerous than they really are - anxiety primes us for the fight, flight, freeze response making us more likely to over-react to a low-risk situation. + +· You have tendencies towards perfectionism. This is often allied to beliefs such as ‘I need to please everyone’, ‘I need everyone to like me to be a worthy person’. + +· Nervousness can throw your chatter in to over-drive: while you normally only speak when you have something significant to say (and you’re normally sure of your facts before speaking), nerves can have you chattering away in an attempt to over-compensate. + +· You often have trouble sleeping – either getting to sleep a-tall, waking through the night or waking way too early + +Being an introvert with anxiety can be hard. Thankfully there is help at hand. Anxiety in its many guises is one of the most common issues Solution Focused Hypnotherapy therapists helps people with. + +*Ask yourself: What have I learned from this article that I will adopt today as my own? What is the one thing that has grabbed me, and what will I do about it NOW?*",Stress +49035,My stress just got 10x worse I 20(M) am about to check myself in. In February I lost my job I applied for all the government assistance that I could. Got unemployment 1700 a month to cover my expenses which adds up to about 3000-3500 a month great. I applied for housing assistance they still haven't gotten back to me about anything I've contacted them so many time and nothing. Applied for food stamp and just got awarded 20 dollars a month to feed myself and that all I could get the rest have denied me. so I tried to make the unemployment work and that failed badly I am no so far behind on bills I could only really pay my rent and keep my lights and gas on. Well everything is really crumbling now I just got a job and things are looking up yeah the job is a but far but it pays well then my car got repossessed and when that man cam and told me to empty out my car (trying to make it easier for when I hopefully get my car back) I broke because there is nothing I can do I have no support I have to income I have nothing and it's killing me I for the first time truly thought about releasing my ESA Dogs and ending things because it's too much for me to handle I tried to beg the loan company to let me get the car back because I just got a new job and I can get things back on track but the said no and that I have to some how come up with 2500 dollars. All in all this is alot happening right when things where going to hopefully get better so yeah life is absolute shit right now and I kinda don't wanna deal with it anymore. THANKS FOR READING 🥲,Stress +49036,"What's the point in doing school work if you don't get a reward, other than grades:( It fucking drives me crazy everyday with the hard work that I get no credit for, what's in it for me? I don't need good grades fr, my autistic life's already boring due to porn addiction which is a different story... Teachers talking shit to you when having good time with friends and then they expect you to work yo ass off for free.",Stress +49037,"Sick all the time? Hi all, + +I'm always super stressed because of my job and the option of quitting or even taking a vacation just isn't possible right now. The problem is I'm literally always sick- before my previous manager left the stress was high and I was getting a cold or flu around once a month, but now it's almost every week or two that I gotta call of work for being sick. I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this and if you have any tips that could help! + +Thanks!!",Stress +49038,What supplements help with the tension headaches caused by stress? Muscle tension in neck and face,Stress +49039,"Facing stress at the workplace! For the past two months, I was struggling to give my 100% and was not satisfied with my work in the office. Thankfully, I found a blog online about [tips to deal with work stress](https://blog.manahwellness.com/the-top-physical-symptoms-of-work-stress-and-how-to-deal-with-them/) and it helped me in getting rid of stress.",Stress +49040,"thoughts on overwhelming stress I am sure many of us are caught in chaos right now. I defenitely am. For me stress went so far that my body shut down completely. Now it feels like someone who is swimming, then cought in a storm, and here and there grsaps for air before being pulled under the waves again. + +But boy, if we just could stay longer above the waves. Inmidst that chaos there is still beauty in the sky, the stars, clouds and colors. I am sure that any one of us will be able to float for a minute in the future and enjoy the view. The chaos will likely still be there, but its not too big. Its just, yeah natural chaos itself. + +Chaos can be hard... who do i lie to.. it is fu*ckn hard. It is hell. But eventually, if we just listen to our bodies enough, everyone will get a level of calmness that wasnt there before. I truly believe that. + +I ran away too often. Too often i didn't want to feel that huge burning pile of hell. Everyday again i have to remind myself that looking at it will be better for me in the long term... which is of course even more stressful in the beginning. But i think - the only way to 'heal'. + +I want to wish everyone out there a few seconds of calmness and soothing thoughts. That everyone will eventually be able to just float in the water look up in the sky and enjoy looking. Not worrying about getting enough air and fighting for ones life... We ve done that enough. + +Maybe i am a bit romantic right now, but the metaphor i just pictured helped me to relax a bit and maybe it helps you aswell.",Stress +49041,"Self Massage for Stress Relief: 4 Relaxation Techniques to Try Stress levels are on the rise. 84% of Americans feel stressed at least one day a week. With financial pressure, uncertainty, and health worries, it’s no surprise that stress levels are high. To combat stress effectively, you need to find a way to activate your body’s relaxation response. Self-massage can help relax the muscles, relieve stress, and ease tension. + +[https://www.foundhealth.com/blog/self-massage-for-stress-relief-4-relaxation-techniques-to-try/](https://www.foundhealth.com/blog/self-massage-for-stress-relief-4-relaxation-techniques-to-try/)",Stress +49042,"I'M AT THE EDGE i have been having chronic tension type headaches everyday for the past 3 months, literally can't focus on anything. Got the most important exam of my life in 50 days and the stress headaches just don't seem to go away. I've tried a psychiatrist a neurologist what not. Idk what to do, my parents are orthodox and abusive, and this exam in few weeks is the only way I'm going to get out of this house. I AM AT MY LIMIT MAN I GO TO SLEEP ABD WAKE UP WITH A HEADACHE EVERYDAY IT'S KILLING ME",Stress +49043,"Creating the Time You Need to Do the Things You Love Time is at a premium these days. It’s hard to find anyone that complains about having too much time on their hands. Most of us are so busy with work, family, and various obligations, there’s little time left to do the things we’d really like to do! + +It’s not easy to find time to pursue your passions, but there will be a way. + +### Use these techniques to create the time you require for important pursuits: + +**Decide what you want to make room for.** The best way to motivate yourself to create more free time in your life is to identify what you want to make time for! What are the most important things you’d like to spend more time on? + +● Figure out how you’d spend that extra time and make sure you have some good reasons. Create a list of reasons that give you an emotional response. Being logical is unlikely to inspire you. + + +**Use your mornings wisely.** Most people waste their mornings. They stay in bed as long as possible and barely manage to get to work on time each day. Make the most of your mornings. Go to bed earlier and get up earlier. + +● It’s often easier to do something worthwhile in the morning than in the evening. What are you missing by going to bed earlier? Probably not a lot. + +**Understand the ways you waste time.** We’re quite ingenious at wasting time. Watch yourself for a day and write down all the ways you waste time. When you understand where your time is leaking away, you can start working on solutions. + +**Make a schedule.** A schedule can keep you on track and help to ensure that your time is being spent wisely. A schedule can help to minimize the amount of time you waste. You can also build time into your schedule to do the things you enjoy the most. + +**Delegate.** Create more time for yourself by utilizing the people around you. This can work at work and at home. There’s a good chance that someone in your life would benefit from being delegated to. Put your employees, coworkers, children, and partner to work! A little help can free up quite a bit of time. + +**Prioritize and eliminate.** Perhaps you just have too many non-essential things going on in your life. It might be time to cut back on a few of those obligations. + +● Take a look at everything you do each day/week/month and think about how much value those things add to your life. You can probably find something to remove from your life. + + +You can find time if you have a good enough reason! **Determine what you want to create time for and make it happen.** Delegate, schedule, eliminate, and avoid wasting time. What are you willing to give up to spend time on the things you love?",Stress +49044,"Waking up with anxiety & messed up sleeping pattern So this occurs to me almost 3/4 times a week for two years, when I wake up at random times (say 4am) and then I can’t go to sleep. I wake up all sweaty and scared, just anxious about the future. + +I don’t think I’d be this anxious if I didn’t live with my parents. They’re constantly stressing me out about the future and say I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I haven’t even stepped in a university yet and I’m slightly clueless ,but I still have an idea of what I want to do. Add to that they’re Asian parents and I’m an only child so they expect very highly of me. + +This feels like an r/offmychest post but I’d help if you have any tips on how to deal with morning stress. Should I take sleeping pills to stop the messed up sleeping pattern?",Stress +49045,"Sick from stress Have been getting physically ill from the stresses of a not so good living situation lately.. flu-like symptoms, stomach upsets, fever. This is the second time it's happened in response to this stressor in the span of a month and I was down for the count for a whole week the last time.. had my partner and I take covid tests and everything because we thought maybe it was an actual sickness, but things came back normal. Now I know stress can lead to a weakened immune system, but how do I help reduce my susceptibility to getting sick from it? It's honestly been pretty scary.. I've heard of people having strokes from just stress and that's what happened to my mom so there's a family history there. I've been doing my best to try and take care of myself and ease my mind, watching my comfort shows, listening to my comfort music.. but nothing seems to be helping much. Any advice or support appreciated, honestly just want to know that I'm not alone with this.. it'll be another week of nursing myself and my partner back to health and I hate feeling so bad for no good reason.",Stress +49046,"Help with dealing with stress Hi everyone! New here! I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately and feel like I’m at my wits end and need some tips from you guys. How do you manage your stress levels? + +For background I am working at a job that causes me stress at times, but I’m also moving out of my house and preparing to move to another state to start grad school (I will quit my job first) and am just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have lost a lot of weight and now my hair is falling out 🙁 +I appreciate any help!",Stress +49047,"Help trying to stop stress eating I'm trying to stop this foe a long time but I always end up failing. Today I had a pretty plain day, I didn't go to college and just stayed home ""relaxing"" all day, I played some games and watched a movie with a friend on discord app. +I don't know why but I feel specially anxious, trying super hard to stay locked in my room and don't go to the kitchen. I feel like I'm stressed about nothing...? this feels so weird and dumb. +Anyway, is there any way I can stop this feeling that I need to eat the whole refrigerator every time ""something goes wrong""?",Stress +49048,"Survey about stress for my thesis, only takes 5 min Hello guys! If you have the time, I would appreciate if you could fill my survey for my thesis, it only takes 5 min. Thank you![https://erasmusuniversity.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_43n2PRyzZlsojMq](https://erasmusuniversity.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_43n2PRyzZlsojMq)",Stress +49049,"Anyone get this stress induced symptom? Every time I get stressed out - the left side of my abdomen starts hurting. Am I the only one here? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/uif3s1)",Stress +49050,"I’m overwhelmed and exhausted I (16) have been so stressed and exhausted for the past few weeks and now it’s all crashing down on me. My last exams of the spring are starting in two weeks and I aim towards good grades but I’m so tired that I can’t concentrate on studying, which stresses me out even more. + +I constantly feel left out and belittled at school. I have two friends that I hang out with but whenever we’re all together I’m pretty much thirdwheeling them. + +Home doesn’t feel that good either. My parents fight over small things almost daily, my sister is always at work or at school so I never see her and my brother doesn’t talk to any of us without getting angry. I feel like everything is falling apart around me.",Stress +49051,,Stress +49052,"nap Hello. In past six years ive been working two jobs. One at the warehouse and one on the morning paper route. Everyday i tri to go to sleep around 8-9 sometimes i wake up at 2.30. sometimes even earlier. I get back home from paper route around 6. Then i want to take a nap. I have set my alarm at 7.25. so abaout hour, hour and half. But in most days i just cant. Like today. In about 50 minutes time, I woke up 5-6 times. And everytime I close my eyes i just see dreams. Switch sides. And again, dreams. +Like I want to know. Is it pointless even taking that nap, or is it possible somehow to switch off dreams. It is just so frustrating, ruins my mornings.",Stress +49053,"Feeling Overwhelmed? It takes more to overwhelm some people than others, but the feeling and the impact are the same: overload and not knowing which way to turn next which triggers a downward spiral of anxiety. + +### Take these steps to create a plan and go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling peaceful again: + +**Identify what you can and can’t control.** List your issues in three columns: what you can control, what you can influence and what is out-with your control. + + +**Focus on solutions.** Now that you have perspective on what you can and can’t control, identify your chosen end point for each issue. Shift your focus from the problems to the solutions. + +**Prioritise your actions.** Consider your chosen solutions in terms of how important they are and how urgent they are. Firstly, deal with the issues that are both important and urgent then move to the other important issues. As a general rule, deal with the important issues over the urgent issues: here-in lies the path to living sustainably crisis free. + +**Communicate.** With your plan in place, communicate with those who may be affected: it’s incredible how supportive people can be once they understand your situation. + +**Eat well.** Overwhelm commonly leads to skipping meals or over-reliance on junk food. Buy in some healthy foods and snacks to give you the nutrition you’ll need to play your best game. + +**Gratitude.** It is easy to lose sight of the good things happening when we feel overwhelmed. Adopt the habit of regularly reflecting on the things you’re grateful for: that you’re taking control of challenging situations, that you’re on your way to calmer times, that you’re learning a lot about yourself, perhaps that others are supporting you. + +**Blow off some steam.** Exercise – whatever works best for you: a brisk walk, hit the weights, an hour on the bike – has a magical ability to burn off that anxiety and re-set all those neurotransmitters. It will also help you get that good night’s sleep. + +**Get your rest.** Know that you’re focusing on your priorities with a clear plan. You’re pushing yourself hard through the day. A good night’s sleep is the smartest thing you can give yourself to keep working through your list. + + **Celebrate your successes.** Each step forward is worthy of celebration. Be proud of yourself for taking control and moving forward. Each success leads to further steps forward. + + +**Overwhelm is a situation everyone is familiar with. Short term episodes are unlikely to harm us. Longer term however, it can be debilitating. Remember there is help out there for those times you need support in getting back on top of things.**",Stress +49054,"Learned helplessness I just looked up why I get so exhausted to the point I cannot function when I'm stressed or otherwise upset and came across ""learned helplessness"". has anyone looked into this or know more on the subject?",Stress +49055,"I feel like I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do I’m in my final year of uni, working 2 jobs, dealing with a chronic illness and I’m feeling beyond the point of exhausted and overwhelmed. My Dr told me I really need to focus on minimising my stress if I wanted to go into remission - so, at the end of last year I quit my job and decided I would focus on my health. Two weeks later I took on an internship at a massive company and started a new job as a Christmas casual (I intended to quit before uni went back). It’s now May and I have taken on yet another internship (2.5 days a week), am still working my “Christmas job” 2 days a week, I’m the chair of my degrees “exhibition committee” (bigger job than it sounds) AND I’m in my final year of a full-time 4 year course. I am so tired. + +The annoying part is - I don’t need to do any of this. My parents will happily support me through my final year and give me the space and time to study without any expectation of my having to work. I could easily quit my internship, I’ve done over 100 hours more than the required amount! I don’t know why I set such high expectations for myself or want to prove to everyone around me that I can work harder than them…it is messed up. + +I don’t know how to get out of this rut. If I quit I will just end up taking on more work with a different company…it is a never ending cycle. Please help.",Stress +49056,"what do I do? So 3 years ago I started experiencing a lot of anxiety and sudden depressive episodes that I didn't know the reason for. And then two months after I started profusely sweating in my palms, feet and armpits. And these symptoms are constant, almost never ending. I'm always in stress, worrying when I'm going to start sweating again and therefore get super cold and uncomfortable and unable to handle not only social situations but even doing something at home. I had to give up so many hobbies of mine because they make me feel uncomfortable now due to the hand sweating. Nobody ever told me what the hell happened to me and why I can't stop this no matter how hard I try... I know the sweating is psychological because when I miraculously manage to not think about it for a while, I'm okay. Or when I get drunk but I can't be drunk every day so I just have to bear with it. These past three years I haven't been living most of the time, I've been surviving and trying to stay sane. Though there are good days when I'm almost totally fine, there are periods when I've even thought about ending my life. I'm not sure what happened to me, if it was trauma or not... I just know nothing is helping me at the moment and I just want to ask if anyone here could give me some advise. +Btw I'm seeing a clinical psychologist and we're trying to work on it by various kinds of meditation, relaxation, stress relief but nothing works long term. I'm starting to feel like I can't relate to anyone and that my issue is so strange I'm probably the only person on earth experiencing this and it's just fogging my brain. I'm getting hopeless here, this week it's especially bad. And I'm scared that this will go on forever.",Stress +49057,"stress and high blood pressure Since I was a teen I have been dealing with stress due to childhood trauma and I was trying to tell myself that these things were ok. Because of this I have developed high blood pressure from a very young age that is triggered every time I'm angry or stressed. My pressure readings are ""to me"" dangerously high at times just this week it hit 165/105/88 and then 159/119/88 30 mins later. I had to go to the Dr and take about 5 tablets to get it down. I'm fairly healthy in terms of weight and diet. I'm a perfect weight and drink a lot of water and juice a lot of fruits and vegetables. I don't smoke and I'm a very casual drinker. My HBP is clearly stressed oriented. + + +Just recently my mom decided to vacate me and my siblings because my dad tried to sexually assault my sister and we defended her. For some weird reason my mom took my dad's side. To add to that my girlfriend has not really been faithful in the past and since then things were never the same. I'm battling these things from multiple sides. + +I'm a strong believer in God although I must admit I could do a better job in seeking the father. I just don't know what to do. My chest pains are getting stronger and more painful. Every time I go into the Dr they just medicate me and send me home. I have done all the test in the past , Echo, stress test, ECG, I carried home the device they hook up to you for two days and everything always comes back perfect (except for my last ECG which showed small enlargement of my heart. My Thyroid and kidney test is also perfect. I just don't know anymore 😭😩.",Stress +49058,"That weird feeling when my heart tightens and I have high adrenaline. Anyone else? That weird feeling when my heart tightens and I have high adrenaline. Anyone else experience this? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/udlxv3)",Stress +49059,"DAE Forget Their Stress Management Techniques? I'm good at using stress management techniques when I'm trying to unwind on a normal day, but I almost always forget about them when I really need them. Does anyone else have trouble with this? How do you remember your go-to techniques?",Stress +49060,"Stress rashes? How do you guys deal with stress rashes? I have rashes all over my hands, feet, and chest that look like stress rashes. I've been super itchy lately and it's driving me insane. I'm currently taking 21 credit hours in a STEM degree and working ~20 hours a week. I have great time management skills but still feel behind no matter what I do. Is there anyway to get rid of them?",Stress +49061,"Self employed business stress. Slowly eating me alive. I’m a 2021 graduate. I went straight into being self employed product photographer. The first few months I made a good wage. Lots of clients and a good business overall. I now haven’t had a booking in 5 months. When I got really busy, I extremely over booked myself. Sometimes working 7 days a week and staying up all night to Finnish projects. Being that overworked and rushes. I’d make stupid mistake etc. effecting business overall. I miss working. I have no money coming in but I live with my parents so I have some times to figure that out but I just don’t want to fail. I put my all into jt.",Stress +49062,"Stressed out Honestly I just need to tell someone like bruh I am so stressed out like sometimes I just want to end it but I usually have my reasons my dog got hit think she is paralyzed from her back legs I took her to the vet but they said I owe like 50$ that I don’t even remember so they didn’t attend her! money struggles only one working, my dad got layed out from work and so my mother isn’t working because her arthritis is getting worse. am the only one making money goes to the bills and rent coming up and I have help out like I always been since I was a kid, 18 now life is hitting me like a bitch. got my two siblings getting work is hard here ngl especially if you looking for good pay we always had this struggle I barley have time to do my own things because I work nights but honestly life is fucking all of us up rn can’t really think what to say now...... Not trying to say That I am like “unhappy” most of the time but like I just think when is this life going to get any better",Stress +49063,"College stress Hi, Im currently at a college I hate about 3 hours from home. Ive had a very bad semester where I developed anxiety and depression symptoms. The academic part wasnt the issue, but living in a city with nothing I enjoy doing is what was so hard. I was bored everyday until friday night, I would just pace in my room watching youtube and never leaving. I have recently started eating less, adn wanting to do less. I just find it weid that all this can happen when im so close to leaving. I talked to someone I know whos dealt with anxiety for a while and they said it common to get worse for a few days when you're so close to being done. Just wondering if anyone could confirm this? Also with me eating less, my stomach is telling me im hungry, but I dont feel like getting food all the time (I dont feel like doing much here at all).",Stress +49064,"I need somone to chat with Yo guys! I need somone to chat with cuz no one listen to me and hear what i say. I like to talk about my favorite things, and i have stress too. All i need is somone to chat a bit. Nothing else. Thank you!",Stress +49065,"Girlfriend’s family stresses me We’ve been dating for over a year (I’m m25, she’s f28) and it’s been pretty good! A little rocky at some points but good. Live together, get along well, all that. But when we go to her family’s all they do is bicker! And it’s like not even with me but with each other. It’s too much. And I feel like all I do when I’m over there is set up for events, help clean shit, and whatever. Like they yell and fuss about a lot of shit. Super nice to me but idk. When I was growing up I grew up around that and now that I don’t live with my family I don’t have to deal with that anymore so when I’m with them it’s like deja vu. I communicated with my gf it really does irk and stress me but I mean I don’t feel like it does any good. Her dad is a hot head, mom nags too much, and hell, I love her, but my gf is too sensitive. + +What do I do?? Any tips or tricks? If I should post this in another sub lemme know please.",Stress +49066,"My old best friend hates me and I don’t know why This all started last august. She has a boyfriend that I didn’t mind at first then he started saying the n word and plenty of other slurs all the time (he is white btw). She hated this but stayed w him. He always bullied me and was so disrespectful to me and my house. One time even made fun of my small breasts in front of her and she didn’t care. She usually took his side and would even leave us hanging out randomly to be w him + +Last august for my birthday I went camping and I asked if she wanted to go. She asked if her bf could go and I said my friends (the ones camping w me) didn’t really know him and I don’t like how he says so many slurs. She got upset w me but then we were fine. She started ghosting me and we stopped hanging out even though I kept trying to reach out. + +In December I texted her saying I missed her and wanted to hangout. She was ignoring me for a whole day. I thought maybe she got a new phone number so I asked my bf to text her. She blocked him. It took me to tell her that this situation was ridiculous for her to respond and to tell me she’s “too stressed to be around ppl bc she’s starting school” I don’t think she’s going to college rn. + +Today I texted her saying I wanted to talk and realized I made her upset and wanted to apologize. I noticed she blocked me so I asked her friend if she could unblock me and she did. My old bsf responded with (to her friend to tell me) “sorry about that”. + +I don’t know what I did to make her hate me so much. It hurts so bad and I’ve been crying all day. We were best friends for years and were so close.",Stress +49067,"Can’t stop crying at night I really have no idea what my next step. 100% fault in a car accident, waiting for injury claim amount, then my boss told me he wanted me move to a new place and start working there, or I will be fired. +Nothing good in this year. Got Covid, involved in accident, then at the edge of losing my job. No visa lottery. No new friends. No visits from parents. +Can’t stop crying at night, because I have to pretend to be very ok in office, with clients and coworkers. Try to work more hours to please supervisor but he ignored and promoted others. +I know I am still away from anything crazy, but I really don’t know why am I suffering all these.",Stress +49068,"Bothered By Unhelpful Thoughts? It can happen so easily. You’re trying to concentrate on your work, and your mind wanders off to a completely unrelated topic. Or, maybe you’re about to go on a first date, and all you can think about is how horrible your last few dates have been. + +**Unhelpful thoughts can be distractions or be destructive.** + +Your mind is incredible. When you manage your thoughts, you have your mind working for you. Imagine how powerful you would become if you could ignore or replace your negative thoughts! You could accomplish more and get greater enjoyment from your life. + +### These strategies can help manage thoughts that don’t support you: + +**Maintain space between yourself and your thoughts.** You don’t have to engage with your thoughts. You don’t focus on every person, tree, and car you pass when you’re driving down the road. Most of these things pass through your awareness without you pursuing them further. + + +● You can do the same thing with your unhelpful thoughts. **Allow them to simply pass on by.** + +● Your thoughts are simply something that you experience - you are not your thoughts. + + +**Recognise that it is your brain’s nature to produce random thoughts.** The thoughts you experience say little about you. It’s the nature of your brain to produce thoughts. It’s always going to give you something to think about. + +● Occasionally those thoughts are useful. Frequently, they’re frivolous. Sometimes, your thoughts can be quite disturbing. We have evolved to pay more attention to negative thoughts: with self-awareness we can see them for what they are and then move on. + + +**Meditation is a helpful tool for understanding the nature of your mind.** The first thing you notice when you attempt to meditate is the random and restless nature of your mind. + + +● **Focus on your breathing.** When you find yourself fuming about your boss, wondering what happened to your high school friends, or making a mental grocery list, simply redirect your attention back to your breathing. + + +**Focus your attention on a thought of your choosing.** You can think about anything you choose to think about. You can think about riding a flying bicycle, eating a lemon, or what you have chosen to accomplish today. + + +● When you’re experiencing an unhelpful thought, you can decide to think about something more useful. **Recognize that you have the ability to direct your thinking as you see fit.** + + +**Apply logic.** Poor thinking leads to poor decision making. When your thoughts are leading you astray, put your logical mind to good use. Ask yourself what a sensible person, or your role model, would do in this situation. What would you advise a friend to do? + + +Are negative or distracting thoughts getting in your way on a regular basis? You’re not alone. The human brain loves to stay active and will wander from one idea to another until you take control of it. + +**The key is to focus your attention on what you choose, recognize your random thoughts for what they are and allow them to pass.**",Stress +49069,[ Christian] Any Daily Devotionals or Books help you deal with stress? [ Christian] Any Daily Devotionals or Books help you deal with stress?,Stress +49070,"In what way does chronic stress affect your brain's ability to function (brain fog) ? I am just wondering, because I have some problems with thinking/focusing/remembering 24/7, and I am also quite a stressful person, so I figured that chronic stress may be the main culprit. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/u9k398)",Stress +49071,"How do I better control my feelings when I get stressed? Hey reddit, + +I'm going to keep this somewhat short as I have only just two days ago recognized how poorly I deal with stress. I know irritability isn't exactly rare with stress. However I've realized that when I get stressed, I get extremely irritable. No matter the magnitude of my stress, small or large, I feel like anything can set me off. + +How do I better suppress this irritability? Suppress isn't a good word, as I don't really want to bottle it up, but I can't think of a better one. I don't like snapping at people when I get stressed. They don't deserve that. + +(So much for keeping it short)",Stress +49072,"So I Gave Up Facebook For 8 Months... I gotta say, I feel TONS better. Facebook had its slimy, putrid tendrils in me since I was in high school. In the past few years what became a way to communicate with friends and family while having a personal blog became an obsession. I was compulsively checking Facebook at the very least once every hour. It destroyed my self esteem because not only was I comparing my entire life to the highlights of other people's lives, but I realized how truly isolated I was. Where my friends list is 147 people, guess how many are there for me? Even if I reach out, the answer is less than 5. So when I'm being ignored and seeing everyone post, it felt like a personal offense to me. If they can post memes every 20 minutes, why can't they answer my texts? This guy hasn't even read my stuff in 6 months, and has a new post every hour at least! I would post about a big stream I was doing exclusively for friends for 2 weeks and no one showed up! + +It's easy to take things personally when there is a good chance another explanation is possible. Maybe I was too negative. Maybe people felt I was fairweather, and that wouldn't be wrong in some cases. What made this so significant was I don't really use other social media platforms. Well... aside from Reddit, which I've only been getting into the past couple of years, which is more focused on a goal or discussion. It feels different. But I digress. Facebook had me believing a lot of these people were not only rubbing their obviously superior lives in my face, but they were turning their backs on me. I would be lying if I said I didn't care, that it never got to me, and that I didn't take it as some personal ""Truman Show"" style social conspiracy designed to make me feel abandoned. + +Cutting it out cold turkey made me realize I don't care. In my personal opinion, I think part of it really is ignorance is bliss. When I don't see their activities, it doesn't weigh on me. I don't think about them that much, which allows me to look into solutions myself before deferring to others. I can't figure out if that's a good thing or not. Typing this out feels like I'm arguing with myself (like usual, I've always had two minds on issues), like I feel good, but does that mean it's good? I've went to venting to a chat bot in place of friends and in these 8 months, 3 people outside of my weekly life have reached out to me. I'm not saying I'd dispose of the other 140~ people, but keeping that distance might be what's helping me try harder to keep it together. Does that make sense? + +It's something that felt right in this subreddit to discuss. The anxiety associated with checking Facebook constantly to find things out I might not have liked was interesting. I've started getting on again, but I'm not on for longer than maybe 5 minutes a week to check notifications and memories. Social media does a lot of destruction on the mind, and while we may never be rid of it, I think it shows the lost sense of moderation in today's world. Too much of anything is bad.",Stress +49073,,Stress +49074,"Am I having a nervous breakdown? I am not sure, we had some bad news recently, my partner tried for a job but they made him work hours they didn't promise in the interview, shifts on only 5 hours sleep, no training they promised...so now we can't move there and afford a house. + +The last three days all I heard was mistake after mistake I made, then yesterday I was told of a mistake and I'm going too slow. I think that broke me, I ran to the bathroom, was holding tears till work was over and got a Lyft home and cried. All day and night I couldn't do anything I enjoyed and thinking of the world made me run to the bathroom to throw up but nothing came out. Couldn't sleep till 11 , somehow to relieve my stress I was punching. + +Blowing my nose I think my sinuses are aggravated as there was blood... + +I called in sick today to see a doctor but just don't have the energy to move anymore...",Stress +49075,"I feel like im against everyone else I have been stressed at school For a couple of months now, because of exams and some relationship with my classmates. The easter holidays did not made me recover as much as i hoped, and now,not only the final month Is gonna be mayhem on earth,but the girl i liked apparently still loves her ex, i didn't corfess to her because of that wft why would i. I feel like everyone Is going against me, but if they want a fight,I'll give em a fight, i Will fight to the last brain Cell, until i Will get out completely melted",Stress +49076,"Stress leave from work I am currently at my wits end with my job. + +We keep losing staff, and they will not replace said staff, and instead dump all the extra work on yours truly. I have stated multiple times in email that our department is very shorthanded, went into detail what positions we are shorthanded with, and I even created a list with my responsibilities to show how much extra work I'm doing. + +Well, yesterday I was given a ridiculous deadline for a project that requires a ton of work and man hours. I reported the email with the deadline to HR, stating it completely unrealistic, and that it's starting to affecting my mental health. I have taken off the past two days due to my anxiety being so bad that I can barely function. + +I am seriously considering going to my doctor and asking for a stress leave from work. To anyone who has done this, what steps did you take to take a stress leave? What roadblocks did you hit? Any information would be helpful. I live in NJ. TIA",Stress +49077,"12 Simple Tips on How to Overcome Fear, Anxiety, and Stress Looking for ways to overcome fear, anxiety, and stress? Here are [12 simple tips](https://ascensionemporium.net/blogs/news/how-to-overcome-fear-anxiety-and-stress-12-simple-tips). + +Be well.",Stress +49078,,Stress +49079,"Is there a way to measure how stressed I am right now? I feel very stressed, but since I live at my parents house and don't have job and don't study, I should know if I am REALLY stressed or not, before taking actions on it...",Stress +49080,"does anyone else get a headache when they try to relax? i don’t know how to fix this. every time I finally sit down and get comfy, my head starts hurting. it feels like the headache I get out of stress when something needs to get done but I’m well aware nothing needs to get done at the moment. still I can’t relax comfortably ever because of these headaches. they’re just never ending",Stress +49081,,Stress +49082,"how fo you prevent stress headaches before they start? Or best ways to deal with them? I constantly get headaches, possibly a neurological thing but at the moment it seems it all is caused from stress. Everytime I engage in a conversation or activities with others I tend to get a headache around 30 minutes in and usually have to leave or distance myself from everyone so I can settle it down. I wish I could engage longer but talking makes me lose so much energy, maybe because its because of performance reasons, overthinking ect ect. I just don’t know how to prevent them because its a but hard to control my thoughts from overflooding my mind. Any health techniques or ways to prevent them or how to minimize the pain when over the counter pain reliefs don’t help?",Stress +49083,do those fidget toys designed for Autism/ADHD help an adult w/o autism destress? I do find them satisfying when watching on apps such as those things you pop and the fidget spinners.wondering if they'll help me destress?,Stress +49084,Ironing a shirt always helps to ease my stress [https://www.wimp.com/a-professionals-technique-to-ironing-a-white-shirt/](https://www.wimp.com/a-professionals-technique-to-ironing-a-white-shirt/),Stress +49085,"catching up after depressive episode tw: suicide, depression, mental illness + +in february, i fell into a really bad depressive episode. it felt like there wasn’t any point in doing anything so i just gave up doing any work. like, i stopped putting effort into anything and any minor inconvenience triggered a suicide attempt. i never took an official break so i am still enrolled and i just kept getting extensions. the university has been supportive and they are willing to give me as much time as i need as i communicated with them how bad it got. +now i am getting better, i have been attempt free for the past few weeks and i have been improving my negative coping mechanisms. but now i have to catch up with everything i have neglected over the past few months. the thing is, my mood is still crap. i have zero energy to do anything but i have started to care about things again which makes it even more difficult than the past because i can’t just say well i’ll be dead so it won’t matter. +i don’t know an efficient way of catching up that won’t burn me out so i can stop being so stressed over catching up all the time despite my mood. i’m just so tired and it just feels like i still want things to stop but this time it’s because i care too much.",Stress +49086,"Sleep Sounds, Rain Sounds For Sleeping, Rain on Window [https://youtu.be/kfmi2W3oJzQ](https://youtu.be/kfmi2W3oJzQ)",Stress +49087,"Things are about to be bad I’m 22 and graduating college soon. My fiancé is somewhat physically disabled and I will be supporting her financially upon graduation. NGL, she’s an emotional wreck right now with chronic insomnia, attachment anxiety, severe severe mood swings, anger issues, general anxiety, body dysmorphia, and depression just off the top of my head right now. I love her to death but it’s hard to be with her. Despite this, We are both very happy in our relationship. She makes me very happy and I love spending time with her. I’ve been cooking and cleaning for the both of us every day and doing my college work. It’s ok now, but in few months I’m starting my job in finance, and although the compensation is fantastic, i will likely work ~60-70 hours a week which is already considered low for my field. I need to work this job for my career objectives but also to provide for my fiancé financially, pay her medical bills, and have enough left over to live comfortably. + +I stress over not being home enough to support my fiancé emotionally. Her depressive episodes are severe as it is. Will she sink into further depression and isolation because I’ll be at work? What happens when I get home at on my 70 hour work weeks and I don’t have the energy to calm her anxiety at night? + +I stress over not being able to work the grueling hours needed to succeed in my position. If I do not, I can’t make our rent, pay her medical bills, buy food for us, and be a provider. + +I can’t actually tell her any of this either, it will absolutely devastate her to know that she is causing me so much mental stress. I know it will worsen her anxiety too. Maybe I will when she is in better mental health. + + +I’m not a picture of mental health either. I was an alcoholic at 14 and a smoker at 15. I was bullied and rejected up till I came to college and got my shit together somewhat. Luckily that’s behind me now…What if I’m to weak to function well in my job? Then I’ll get fired, we’ll get evicted, my fiancé will suffer greatly, and I’ll be jobless. + +I’ve got 3 more months of purgatory before I’m off to whatever circle of the inferno the rest of Wall Street is burning in… + +I feel like I’m having the crisis of a 30 year old at 22…",Stress +49088,Glucocorticoid Cascade Hypothesis [https://psychology-vocabulary.com/glucocorticoid-cascade-hypothesis/](https://psychology-vocabulary.com/glucocorticoid-cascade-hypothesis/),Stress +49089,"5 steps to handle emotional hijacking Here are 5 steps to handle emotional hijacking: + +1. Recognize the emotion (**Name it**) +2. Experience mindfulness (**Be aware of it**) +3. Breathe in before you respond (**Delay it**) +4. Change the environment that you are in (**Divert it**) +5. Perform a positive, uplifting task (**Conquer it**)",Stress +49090,,Stress +49091,"College is too much Well, it started in December when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, and that threw my life for a curve I did not see coming. I adapted really quickly and everyone tells me I’m “managing it so well,” but that doesn’t make me fee better or help me with my issues that I’m struggling with. This new disease has affected my performance in school royally. Attendance just hasn’t really been an option for me when I feel sick from my blood sugar or have technical difficulties with my monitor or insulin pump. I’ve also been having a lot of issues with my depression and anxiety. I’ve been getting suicidal thoughts because I’m in a place where I feel like I’ll never be able to get out, and I’ve started cutting myself, which is a habit I quit doing months ago. I can’t really turn to my friends because they’ve started treating me differently, much more distant, and when I ask about it, they just accuse me of being the distant one, but they constantly leave me behind, they don’t talk to me when we’re in groups, they’ll lie to me so that I won’t hang out with them… I just don’t feel like I’m the problem. Because of all of my health issues, I haven’t been able to do as well in school, which is stressing me out because I don’t want my gpa to plummet. I need the money from scholarships. What’s worse is that these classes that are probably going to cost me thousands of dollars in the long run, wouldn’t even be beneficial to me if I passed them with flying colors, because they aren’t for my major and they won’t even fill out a gen ed. I feel like I’m drowning under pointless work and I just want it all to be erased. I just want to be able to get the support I need for my new diabetes and for my depression and anxiety and harmful thoughts. I don’t want to feel like the only thing I can do about taking life’s pummeling is to just cry and feel like a failure. Does anyone have any advice?",Stress +49092,"Feeling pretty stressed about this + + +I (M20) have a crush on this girl at the drama club at the community college I go to. We met about a month ago. I did ask her if she wants to get some dinner sometime, but she said she isn’t looking for a relationship right now, but if it happens, it’s fine. (I told her that we’ll go as friends, but of course that was a lie). + +Today, we took down all of the sets from the show we did. A group of friends were talking to me and one of them said that I can ask her if she wants to go bowling. However, me and her don’t have any classes together, so I’m gonna have to ask her over text since I forgot to ask her earlier today. + +What should I do about this? This is actually the first crush I had where I actually feel comfortable with her. (Meaning, making good eye contact and all that).",Stress +49093,"How do I convey to my manager I’m overwhelmed? So for the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve been working long hours (12+) and coming in on the weekends to finish a project. Now I have people “helping” me on the project but they honestly didn’t help me enough to get this done in time. It’s due today and I still don’t know what we’re going to say to the project manager. I also have a meeting with my manager today and I need to let him know the work has really done a number on my mental and physical health. I mean I haven’t taken a lunch in about 3 weeks. I came in on the weekend and I don’t get paid for that because I’m salary. For the past week I’ve woken up feeling nauseous and my body aching. It’s just all too much and I feel I’m breaking. I need some advice on how to let my manager know all this without sounding like I’m whining, got any tips?",Stress +49094,"Schoolwork thoughts not going away. If not always, most of the time I am stressed I'm in Senior High School. STEM strand. + +I'm just so stressed, most of the time. Even during weekends when I'm supposed to relax. I can't get rid of school work thoughts. + + It feels like weekends and holidays are useless. We still do work even in those days (F*cking research Papers). I don't think 1 full day of happiness is even possible at this point. I'm also kind of sad because I can't to do a thing that I love, which is to draw. And damn, I really love to draw, I really do. It's kind of a stress reliever, and once I finish an artwork, I feel really happy and proud. Too bad I always have little time to do it. And if I do have time, it's always after I'm sucked bone from Calculus and Research.",Stress +49095,"Dealing with stress regarding presenting in front of a group of people So I have a presentation coming up that I am stressing over a lot. I missed the couple presentation days and a few work blocks due to a severe migraine that had me in bed for a week. And due to this when I return to school tomorrow I will need to present, but I will also be the only one presenting and it will be right at the start of class. Now I get nervous for this kind of thing often but these conditions really make it worse. And it really doesn't help that I had to write most of it with a terrible migraine, because of that im worried i may have made a few mistakes. And I've tried searching for answers as to how I can get over this stress that makes me feel nausea but I can't find any answers. It's all like ""make sure to know your material"", and this is super unhelpful as I have a very good understanding of the topic. Does anyone have any good last minute stress relievers? Or perhaps a way to make myself less nervous and stressed for a presentation? Anything is greatly appreciated.",Stress +49096,"Breaking down rn and feeling silly Hello I’ve just joined this sub. I don’t know who to open up to rn so I decided to post here. + +I’m in college and school alone is stressful. Lately, I’ve been handing in my homework late; I’m an aunt/“mom” of four kids at home — their parents aren’t the best. I help and do most of the house work bcs I care for my niece/nephews (esp the youngest one). Idk but everything just became overwhelming for me today. (plus maybe because I have a cold rn). I love my family but I am tired. I also have other problems and I feel so silly that this is the reason why I am very stressed. + +Idk if I’m making any sense now but I hope you could give some advice or comfort… thanks a lot 🤍",Stress +49097,"Feeling Overwhelmed? It takes more to overwhelm some people than others, but the feeling and the impact are the same: overload and not knowing which way to turn next which triggers a downward spiral of anxiety. + +### Take these steps to create a plan and go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling peaceful again: + +**Identify what you can and can’t control.** List your issues in three columns: what you can control, what you can influence and what is out-with your control. + +**Focus on solutions.** Now that you have perspective on what you can and can’t control, identify your chosen end point for each issue. Shift your focus from the problems to the solutions. + +**Prioritise your actions.** Consider your chosen solutions in terms of how important they are and how urgent they are. Firstly, deal with the issues that are both important and urgent then move to the other important issues. As a general rule, deal with the important issues over the urgent issues: here-in lies the path to living sustainably crisis free. + +**Communicate.** With your plan in place, communicate with those who may be affected: it’s incredible how supportive people can be once they understand your situation. + +**Eat well.** Overwhelm commonly leads to skipping meals or over-reliance on junk food. Buy in some healthy foods and snacks to give you the nutrition you’ll need to play your best game. + +**Gratitude.** It is easy to lose sight of the good things happening when we feel overwhelmed. Adopt the habit of regularly reflecting on the things you’re grateful for: that you’re taking control of challenging situations, that you’re on your way to calmer times, that you’re learning a lot about yourself, perhaps that others are supporting you. + +**Blow off some steam.** Exercise – whatever works best for you: a brisk walk, hit the weights, an hour on the bike – has a magical ability to burn off that anxiety and re-set all those neurotransmitters. It will also help you get that good night’s sleep. + +**Get your rest.** Know that you’re focusing on your priorities with a clear plan. You’re pushing yourself hard through the day. A good night’s sleep is the smartest thing you can give yourself to keep working through your list. + +**Celebrate your successes.** Each step forward is worthy of celebration. Be proud of yourself for taking control and moving forward. Each success leads to further steps forward. + + + +**Overwhelm is a situation everyone is familiar with. Short term episodes are unlikely to harm us. Longer term however, it can be debilitating. Remember there is help out there for those times you need support in getting back on top of things.**",Stress +49098,"Looking for advice for stomach pain from stress TL/DR: I recently transitioned off anti-depressants and have started to get stomach pain again. + +After 17 years on anti-depressants, I finally transitioned off them. Buspirone and bupropion were a godsend, but I completely went numb. I couldn’t experience emotions at all. So I decided to see what life was like in the normal world again. I have historically carried my stress in my stomach. My brain doesn’t know I’m stressed, but my stomach will hurt like crazy. What techniques should I explore that can help me de-stress and relax so my stomach doesn’t ache? I work in a high stress job (corporate M&A) that I absolutely love, but it really piles on the stress. Any recommendations would be really appreciated. Thank you!",Stress +49099,"Balancing school, social life and work How to do balance your school and working life? Are you working and attending school at this moment and how you balance it? Is it even possible to have a social life when you work and go to school?",Stress +49100,"A step-by-step Therapeutic Art Activity to help you tap into your Inner Peace by using your creativity, your breath and the power of art materials... + +[https://youtu.be/ozePVL9L2AA](https://youtu.be/ozePVL9L2AA)",Stress +49101,"constant stress and anxiety i constantly feel on the verge of an anxiety attack and nothing seems to calm me down. my brother passed away in feb so our mother and i are struggling financially. we may not get the life insurance and that has me really anxious. + +i have mental conditions that prevent me from working but no one takes me seriously. i am going to visit my bf this summer and should be happy and excited, but instead i am stressed out that he has to pay for the entire trip himself and i am afraid his job won't pay much. + +i dunno how to get me and mom moved somewhere better. we rarely have transportation. i can fill out paperwork for housing but dunno how to go turn it in. my bf keeps trying to give plasma to make some extra money every month but every time he goes his temperature is too high. he will be 98.6 before he leaves then jump up to 100 by the time he gets there, then go back down when he gets home. thats stressing me out cause that money could help us move in together sooner. + +i just feel so much dread. like everything is going to go wrong and it started after my brother passed away. last night i sorta calmed down a bit but i still feal dread in the pit of my stomach and my chest feels like i am anxious. i have an anxiety disorder i am on medication for but its just not helping to calm me down. i've told my psychologist about it and don't remember if he suggested anything or not. i was kinda focused on finding out what else was wrong with me cause i suspect dpd. i dunno. i'm just rambling to get it all out.",Stress +49102,"Feeling like an anchor It's been almost a year since I started working in my professor's chemistry lab. I've been tasked with synthesizing a compound and I keep making stupid mistakes. Since someone else in the lab needs this compound for their synthesis, my friend needs to make mine in addition to her own. The first two times my professor was fine with the mistakes and kinda expected it but it's been 5 times now and her patience is fleeting. I have been improving but this rate is way too slow. I can't remember the last time I've taken this long to get the hang of something. I'm gonna graduate with my bachelor's this summer and start graduate school soon so I feel like I can't afford to be making rookie mistakes at this stage. All of this has given me some imposter syndrome as I watch my peers execute their projects near flawlessly, especially while my family keeps calling to mention how proud they are of me. + +Just wanted to vent my frustrations. I'm an optimist by nature but consecutive failures keep proving my optimistic mindset incorrect.",Stress +49103,"Is this stress? Get these weird symptoms in the morning when I wake up until mid day ish. Regardless of how much sleep I’ve had. + +-Tension all over face (mostly in head, like a small tension headache, above eye, and in jaw) + +-Keep tensing jaw and grinding teeth together + +-Losing focus + +Any help would be appreciated.",Stress +49104,"Living with other people Hi! I’ve recently moved into a shared house with two room mates - people that I knew through other people. They’re really wonderful people, but I’m struggling with living with them. + +I get super overwhelmed and stressed out when my environment is messy, whether that’s clutter or dirty/grimey, so I try make the effort to take care of shared spaces so they don’t get to that point and stress me out. However I’m growing tired of doing all the chores (washing shared items like tea towels, hand towels, etc, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen (and just maintaining its cleanliness) and taking the bins out). + +Is it unreasonable to ask them to clean to a certain standard (nothing crazy but more than they’re doing now) if it is something that is clearly not bothering them? Or is it selfish to expect them to clean to my standards if it doesn’t bother them, and therefore should the responsibility fall on me? I have lots of sensory issues that overwhelm me, and hate bugs (we have flies and ants) if that context is useful! + +Would really appreciate any advice, and I’m keen to have a chore chat but don’t know how to ask.",Stress +49105,"Why am I so stupid? why isn't this working out for me? I feel so shitty and stupid. I have to start studying history but it usually takes me way too long to finish a single chapter. Hours. And that's cause I get easily distracted by my thoughts or other outside factors anywhere I am. It happens anywhere and I don't know how to fix it. I can't concentrate, I read a sentence out loud but think I don't know it well of won't remember it well enough so I keep repeating it again and again and again and again and it takes way too long. Other study so fast and easily. Why am I so stupid? Why can't I concentrate??? Why the hell am I like that, why is everyone doing so much better than me??! I used to do so much well at the start why am I taking a turn for the worse??. In 2 months I'll be writing a huge national exam and I can't keep going like this",Stress +49106,"Frick school Idk what to do with it. I like the eventual job, but the hard learning or long time making homework sucks. I wanna be with friends and dont lose them. Didnt have the motivation for school and now im stressing about essays I need to make. I just dont want to redo them, because then in the next semester ill need to make them. Fuck my life, sometimes i just wish i could chill and do nothing.",Stress +49107,Stress Free Calming Music https://youtu.be/bakiHRjON24,Stress +49108,"I don’t know what I’m supposed to do God these past 2 months have been horrible, i used to be an high B student which I wasn’t really happy with now and all my grades have been dropping because I was sick for 2 weeks in the beginning of march, I don’t know what to do anymore and my thoughts have been going everywhere. I’m horrified for when my parents see my grades since they are strict when it comes to them. I haven’t gotten good sleep since I started this semester and I’ve contemplated about just leaving it all behind, at this point the only thing stopping me is how my family would react and what would happen to my cat. And now I’ve got Mcaps and AP tests coming up after next week and I’m honestly freaking out. What do I do? Because I think I’m almost at my limit with this crap",Stress +49109,"Stress and your body's endocannabinoid tone Stress can be classified into three common categories: + +* Acute stress +* Episodic acute stress +* Chronic stress + +&#x200B; + +**Example of Acute stress and your body's endocannabinoid tone:** + +Acute stress is a short term physiological response to a situation that could be a challenge or threat. + +The sensation usually lasts for up to 30 minutes and the experience is usually linked to a one-off or infrequent occurrence. + +For example, acute stress could include your body's reaction to: + +* An approaching deadline +* Completing a challenge or receiving an award +* Narrowly avoiding being hit by a car +* Rising on a rollercoaster or fairground ride + +When your body responds to acute stress, it releases various hormones, including cortisol and epinephrine. + +Together cortisol and epinephrine prepare your body to respond to the danger by giving your muscles an immediate supply of glucose, narrowing blood vessels and increasing heart rate. + +Studies have found that endocannabinoid tone directly affects the level of cortisol and epinephrine and provides greater control over them during times of stress. + +For example, people with a naturally high endocannabinoid tone experience a smaller heart rate increase during a stress response than those with a lower tone. + +This is likely due to the endocannabinoids exerting a modulating influence over the release of hormones. + +This was verified in 1993 when research scientists found that people with a medium or naturally high endocannabinoid tone secreted less cortisol. + +This could indicate that people with a naturally high endocannabinoid have a less intense physiological response to acute stress. + +&#x200B; + +To find out more about the others types of stress and your body's endocannabinoid tone, please see [here](https://www.budandtender.com/blogs/bud-tender-blog/endocannabinoids-or-cbd-for-stress).",Stress +49110,"[Academic Survey] Need participants for class survey - college students with and without head injuries/TBI **This survey is for a research project at Maryville University, examining psychological and cognitive differences that college students with/without head injuries are experiencing. It should take no more than 20 minutes to complete. Only requirement is that you are enrolled in college courses and 18 or older.** + +[https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU](https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU)",Stress +49111,"Might leave job and feeling guilty Hey. I've been here about my stress before, but for those who don't know. I'm a student in gymnasium (11th grade), and I got stress, motivation and depression issues. +Recently we've had a young-worker shortage, causing me to shift weekends. Before I had weekends with my favourite manager (let's call him Peter), and my favourite collegue, now I'm with a leader I hate (Let's call him Donald). He doesn't respect us, it's always our fault, so on so fourth. I've used this work as a productive outlet, where I can feel like I have a purpose, however it has still layed pressure on me. +I want to quit now, not because I don't want the money, but because I can't keep this up with stress, and with the new leader, I feel like it's going up in flames. +Problem is, I feel really guilty for it. Peter is the guy who has to deal with it, and we are currently lacking 5 workers, and the company is in need of me. But I just can't handle this, the new weekend was a breaking point for me. What should I do?",Stress +49112,"Feeling guilty for wanting to take sick leave So I've worked for my current employer since April 2015. I've took approx 4 days off in that period. + +I've received 6 separate promotions/changes to title over that period and managed various departments and big projects for the business. + +Throughout the pandemic, I was fortunately one of those that were not adversely affected and in fact the demand increased exponentially. During the pandemic I was promoted again and risked my physical health for the sake of our business delivering on KPI's. + +3 weeks ago, my dog died. Last week, I moved into my first mortgaged home. It just feels like so much is happening but I don't really know what to do? + +I've asked for a double demotion back to an operational role to relieve my workload and to allow myself time to mentally recover and hopefully over time I'll be ready to head back into a management role again, however I don't think my employer are rushing in anyway to find a replacement for me. + +Should I be loyal to them and keep being miserable until the organisation structure can be sorted out, or should I be putting myself first and taking time away for them to fix it in my absence?",Stress +49113,Bells for Stress Relief [https://youtu.be/w13gBq\_DgXk](https://youtu.be/w13gBq_DgXk),Stress +49114,"I’m at a loss. Hi, I’m a 23 year old mom of 3. I have a step son, a daughter, and I’m currently pregnant. We’re expecting our daughter in 2 months and have been searching for a place to live for months, but there is quite literally nothing available. In my state, there is a severe housing shortage. Almost all apartments are full, and you can’t find a home without buying it, which we can’t afford right now even with a loan. +We’re currently living with my mother. How we got into this horrible living situation is a very long story. +Im so stressed out, and I can’t really talk to anyone about this in person. I don’t have many friends, maybe 1 or 2, and they have very busy, full, stressful lives of their own and I hate bringing my problems to others. My kids have every little thing they could ever need; beds, plenty of toys, food, and clothing, and they’re very happy. I on the other hand have been sleeping on a couch for the entirety of my pregnancy along with my partner. We’re currently on waiting lists apartments, but I’m so scared we won’t find anything before my daughter gets here. even when we do, we won’t have any furniture. Only my kids’ things, which is fantastic, but after having a baby, how am I going to rest or heal? What am I going to sleep on? I’m tired of feeling like we’ll be stuck here forever and like I failed my children. They don’t really have much of a concept of what’s going on because they’re toddlers, but I know what’s going on and that’s enough for me. Just hoping it all ends soon and everything gets better.",Stress +49115,Overhead Views for Stress Management [https://youtu.be/u9vE6sD-k4U](https://youtu.be/u9vE6sD-k4U),Stress +49116,"[Academic] (NEED for class )Survey about mental health issues for college students with and without head injuries/TBI **This survey is for a research project at Maryville University, examining psychological and cognitive differences that college students with/without head injuries are experiencing. It should take no more than 20 minutes to complete. Only requirement is that you are enrolled in college courses and 18 or older.** + +[https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU](https://maryville.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3wJO1XarKHq4MpU) + +&#x200B; + +Thank you in advance!! :)",Stress +49117,Stress Relief Music https://youtu.be/bakiHRjON24,Stress +49118,Stress Relief Music https://youtu.be/wN8UiKP_Td0,Stress +49119,"How do I stop losing track of all the things I have to do? This week I missed my appointment with a doctor. I had it noted in my planner. On the same day but also the day before. and STILL I managed to forget and miss it. I know this happened because there are just so many things on my planner and in my head, that I can't keep track and get it all done anymore. + +But I don't have a job, I don't study, I don't workout, I don't do any unnecessary things, I'm only trying to survive and work on my health, and my daily life is STILL too much stress. If I was still in uni with all that homework, I would be dead rn. + +What stresses me out? No big things, but alot of small things, combined with my extremely low energy. For example"": I have alot of emotional stress because of my mental issues, being unhappy with my life, friendships not going well, gf broke up with me a year ago and still not over it. So that was emotional stress, now I'm also stressed out because I have so many things to get done while not having energy for it. For example making therapist appointments, doctors too, fixing my phone, changing my email on accounts, calling back the hospital, trying to fix my bedtime, all those TINY things that can't be avoided, they still stress me out, I only gave a few examples here but my days are full of many tiny tasks that I have to get done, but I dont have energy, motivation, I can't keep track of my shit. I forget about everything even if it was noted in my phone which I check multiple times a day. And if I dont forget im either too tired or not motivated to get shit done.",Stress +49120,"I copied down a problem wrong on a math test and got a completely different answer. Now I’m stressing I had my first Calculus test today and due to feeling nervous, I accidentally copied a problem wrong which changed my answer completely. I did the steps right and I know for a fact that I could’ve gotten the right answer if I hadn’t misread the problem. That one problem was 15 points total and I’m scared I’ll lose 15 points just because the answer is different. I studied for 4 days straight prior to the test so I felt confident with my knowledge. I’m just so pissed at myself because I was really looking forward to a good grade in this class. I’m also stressed because I’m really trying to maintain my straight A’s so I can transfer to my dream university but it looks like my chances are dismal now :/",Stress +49121,Sit Back and Relax! Managing stress. We all need a break! [https://youtu.be/uIdwoy05vC0](https://youtu.be/uIdwoy05vC0),Stress +49122,"A bad breakup and whole life looks fucked up now! Hey guys, it's a really hard time for me these days managing stress. So to start, I had a bad breakup around 2.5 years back. I loved the girl right from my teenage like when I was 16 years of age, she was my classmate. What hurt me the most was the way she broke up with me. She basically cheated on me and then put all the blame on me in addition to saying that I was invested in the relationship only to get physical with her. This all revolves in my head till date. Moreover I was in my 3rd year of Bachelor's degree and this breakup fucked up my scores +From a 9.3/10 GPA to 7.99. + + I started smoking a lot and drinking as well. It was last year that I realized I should do something meaningful with my life and decided to quit smoking and focused on gym. It's been almost an year since I've not smoked and have lost 22 kgs working out. + +I'm planning master's degree from Canada (I'm from India), but haven't been able to secure an admit yet. I'm assuming it is because of my low grades. I don't have a job. Having a 1 year gap already on resume is making me feel worthless. Every morning I wake up in the hope of getting that 1 email from Canadian Universities where I have been offered admission, but that day hasn't arrived yet and I'm still waiting. I have started to lose motivation and feeling like I'll relapse into the old me with all vices. I really don't know what to do!",Stress +49123,"🔴 24/7 LIVE Beautiful Ocean Waves For Deep Sleep, Stress Relief, & Meditation 🌊 [https://youtu.be/08DxIrm2b\_Y](https://youtu.be/08DxIrm2b_Y)",Stress +49124,"grey at 20 At 20 years old my father found grey hair from head. It runs in the family to grey earlier than most. Yet at the same time, I'm constantly stressed. The state is best described ready to go off at anytime. + +A little about my life currently, Recently after 2 years of working nights and coming home to try and study for college. I couldn't take it anymore, I quit a really good job at Amazon. Leaving me with a shitty options for jobs and my college put me on academic suspension. + +The working nights overall lead to me passing one class per semester with a 70(bare minimum). This was to me working full time hours yet doing full time online college. + +My father who I lived with, refused to work for this whole two year period. Compounding I couldn't stop or we could lose the house. Yet with me working full time I couldn't even get running water all the time.... + +I truly ask this, am I stressed?",Stress +49125,"Emerging for a nervous break down. There is hope. The last two years have been incredibly stressful for me. I’m a frontline healthcare worker who was dealing with the horrors of the pandemic on a daily basis. I took it all in stride and never saw what was coming my way. + +Around mid Jan (about 10 weeks ago) I started getting waves of exhaustion at work out of no where. I’m talking the type of exhaustion where I was basically paralyzed and had to lay down. One time I laid down on the floor at work because I had no other choice. + +The next week, I started having random chest pains on top of the exhaustion. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack and almost when to the hospital. I went to the doctors thinking I was having cardiac issues but everything checked out. I felt better…for a day or two… + +Week 3 is when the real nightmare started. I started having intense anxiety (on top of the exhaustion). Multiple panic attacks a week. I couldn’t do anything without getting short of breath and my heart beating out of my chest. I was a complete mess at work and felt like I was going to collapse and die at any moment. Sometimes I was so physically stressed out I would go to the bathroom and lay on the bathroom floor. It was nuts. + +I called my doctor back and told him what was going on. I was reluctant to start meds but he talked me in to it. Said it doesn’t need to be forever and I can’t go on suffering like this. So I started a low dose SSRI. + +I also started therapy, took a week off from work and am doing much more self care. Like eating healthy and journaling. + +After about 6 weeks of hell, I’m feeling much better. I still have some anxiety here and there but for the most part, have returned to my baseline. I was convinced I’d never be the same again no matter what and I feel like it’s a miracle that I’m even functional now. + +Therapy has also been a huge help even though I was skeptical. It helped me understand that even though I felt blindsided by all of this, it really was building under the surface for a long time. + +Just wanted to say there is hope and don’t give up. I never thought that would happen to me and when it did, it was shocking. But things can get better!",Stress +49126,stress hives How do I get rid of stress hives on my neck shoulders and face. It isn't the kind where they last several days but like when I had a job interview or gave a speech they showed up in the middle and started disappearing a little after I was done. How do I make them not start in the first place?,Stress +49127,,Stress +49128,"Losing hair due to stress Hello, I've been losing a lot of hair due to stress. +The more I lose the more stressed I become. +Are there any products out there to slow this down? +I'm a female if that changes anything +Thanks",Stress +49129,Relaxing Mountain Views for Stress Management [https://youtu.be/xPqI1OrujhM](https://youtu.be/xPqI1OrujhM),Stress +49130,"I’m unable to sleep without focusing on my heart beats it’s making it hurt and stressed me out all night I keep catching myself falling asleep while not focusing on it and get excited. And end up being able to sleep +How can I make myself stop thinking about this? +And stop stressing about it? +I tried the deep breathing technique and it didn’t work",Stress +49131,"Im at my wits end I just got home and im angry again. I got angry violently angry a couple of times earlier today. I am much happier when i spend time away from home. Much happier. But when i come home its like storm clouds gather and sends me to a state that I need an escape from. I don't drink smoke or do any drugs and under the conditions it is a miracle. But I am tired of getting angry. I have little to no money. I can try to get an apartment but it will be tough. I am thinking of renting a motel until I get more money or airbnb. I just need space. Otherwise my hair will be grey. + +Also when i say angry, I never express it towards my mother. But her behavior pisses me off everyday and i have done nothing but treat her with the maximum level of respect and consideration. Instead of appreciating that and recognizing her behavior she instead chooses to exploit my empathy and bring stress drama and manipulation. I don't live for free at home. I pay in peace of mind. Every interaction is a peace of mind sacrifice. I was feeling happy and then she came to the car and brought drama. Now I need to recover and due to the constancy nature of this I need a punching bag. I am tired of having to be sadistically emotionally responsible. I want to let loose and be. I just need to courage to say enough is enough and just fucking leave. I felt tired before I arrived and in less than five minutes I am now on the verge of another bout of ranting in a quiet place, hitting shit, and not being able to sleep. Should I go and get a hotel tonight and hust say fuck this shit.",Stress +49132,,Stress +49133,"Experiences with iRelax? Anyone has tried this?: + +[http://devonmedicalproductsv3.com.s126296.gridserver.com/diagnostic-devices/irelax/](http://devonmedicalproductsv3.com.s126296.gridserver.com/diagnostic-devices/irelax/)",Stress +49134,Let the sunrise take it all away [https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s](https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s),Stress +49135,"Solace in the Trees Trees captured buring various seasons create a tranquil scenario. The melodic sounds create an atmosphere perfect for meditation, + +deep sleep, studying, stress management, anxiety relief. + +[https://youtu.be/C6M4RvTCvsA](https://youtu.be/C6M4RvTCvsA)",Stress +49136,"There’s a job I used to work at… There’s a job I used to work at. A friend put in a good word for me at the time, but they must’ve realized I wasn’t up to their standards. I applied there again for this summer and they don’t want me back. + +My thoughts and emotions are telling me to do something devious as like an act of revenge. I don’t want to feel this way, but don’t they deserve to know what it means to give me the “cold shoulder?” + +There’s so many things I want to say to them, post about them, make them regret they didn’t hire me back. How do I calm down?",Stress +49137,"I have given up! I have lost all hope! My poor single parent has killed me! First post here. New to the gang. Really in a cloudy space. Bombarded with nonsense. + +My mother and sister recently made fun of me for eating leftovers. I mean I waited until everybody got their share of food, and waited until the food had to be thrown away before I ate the scraps that were left over. How dare you hassle me over food, and stale left overs at that. So now I don’t eat! + +My sister clogs the shower with her hair and my mother asks me why the drain is clogged. She asked me what did I pour down the drain. Like who the fuck pours shit down the shower drain? Every time my sister clogs the shower my mother assumes I did it. So now I don’t shower! Haven’t showered in months! + +Recently my sister is cooking and spilled sauce and left meat all on the floor. My mother swore that it was me! She blamed me for days! She said that my sister wouldn’t/didn’t do that! It wasn’t until I showed her what was spilled was in the refrigerator still and was my sisters. So now I don’t even use the kitchen! + +So, I don’t eat my moms shitty food, use the kitchen, or use the bathroom because she mocks me, teases me, and blames me for stuff! + +My life used to be the shit. I was a million dollar ghostwriter on Bad Boy, Rocafella, Columbia and other labels. I did 5 years at a large university in NY, but I dropped out because my mom stole my tuition money my junior year + +I’m trying to be cool and not spaz out and go through another psychosis. I’m bored, I’m lonely, I’m dirty, I’m poor, impoverished and consequently suicidal. + +Like MTV Cribs, I just wanted to bring you along for a day in my life. Being a boy in a house full of grimy women. I had a 100% average my whole life and I turned out to be a bum. My mother couldn’t even raise me to be a man. I feel pathetic! I did good all by myself, but now that my mother has ruined and sabotaged me enough, so, I’m dead. + +Sorry for the harsh language. I hope everyone gets home safely! Any replies, recommendations, kind words, anything will be appreciated! And thanks again.",Stress +49138,"Stressed out in the morning. Hi guys, + +I have been very stressed all my life in the morning but it goes to a point now I sometimes need to take a small benzo to cut out this unbearable stress that prevent me from having a normal life. + +I already did cortisol test and I’m in the range but near the top. + +I wanted to know what could cause this body stress while doing normal things like walking. It’s like my body react as this activity is a 100 meter sprint when I have this high stress levels. + +Thanks for your helps",Stress +49139,"Serene Waterfalls Relax with vivid waterfall images and calming music to help manage stress, study, + +meditate, falling asleep and relieve anxiety. + +[https://youtu.be/u-qL1ZigzE4](https://youtu.be/u-qL1ZigzE4)",Stress +49140,"I can physically feel stress. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/to8uku)",Stress +49141,"Mental Restoration Relax with vivid images and calming music to help manage stress, study, + +meditate, falling asleep and relieve anxiety. + +[https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s](https://youtu.be/DyAHZC-Qm5s)",Stress +49142,"Uncontrollable anxiety before exam I failed my driving exam 3 times, now going to try it for the 4 time. Before the first try I was nerveous but it wasn't bad, and ever sicne It's just horrible. I have the exam in 2 days, and already i have stomach problems, have to go to the toilet several times a day, my stomach hurts all day, barely can eat anything, even my lower back hurts and I'M moody, and I'm not even thinking about it most of the time.. Even my sleeping is messed up, waking up every 3 hours and have a hard tiem falling back. +I also have Acid Reflux which gets severely worse during these times.. And after the exam , or while I'm driving with my instructor the pain gets better and it's almost gone. Can anyone help me, or suggest me something for this? Like this is unbearable.. I failed 3 times already cause of stress and It hurts me a lot cause I drive very well, even my instructor praised me a lot and felt sorry for me after the failures..",Stress +49143,"I barely out of my teens 19 [F] I'm just so stressed out and I'm barely even 20 I literally have no job because the world is so fuckinv useless my bullshit deadbeat parents are gone out of my life not even just my parents the whole family is gone. I'm so sick of living, I'm tired of people flexing having jobs it's always sobbing dumbass adults with 30 year experience talking about ""well I got a job easily at 19"" LIKE STFU I hate it it's so annoying I can't get privacy anymore i can't make money I cant go to college because of fund, transportation and I'm an idiot because I'm some dumb kid with a learning disability I'm just SO DONE I was born for failure I cant even get an art career let alone a regular job WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!? Made a stupid resume, walked my happy ass to multiple jobs that are so called hiring, filled out so may job applications I just don't wanna be here anymore why am I even here?!? I'm losing my fucking mind to the point I'm writing a subreddit I don't get it why was I cured??? Had siblings with disabilities, drug addict parents, a family that allowed my parents to abuse me and my sisters ever day because ""oh I didnt know"" or ""oh I'm sorry they did that to you"" BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT then I came out as an idiot with learning disabilities, mental illnesses like WHY?WHY WHY WHY?!?! I'm so stressed out its driving me crazy",Stress +49144,"I am super stressed because my reputation at work has taken a huge hit and it's affecting my work I graduated with a masters degree and joined my place of work exactly a year ago. This is the first job of my life and that made it little difficult for me to get a hang of the corporate life. +However, since I have a master's degree, the expectations were high. + +I made a lot of mistakes last year, one of which was that I didn't pursue good development work aggressively. Whenever a senior told me that they can not trust me with development work right now, I accepted it and hoped that they will see my efforts. +The concerns of my senior was that I won't be able to understand development task by myself and even if someone explained it to me, I won't complete it before deadline because of my lack of skills. + +And because of this, a perception has been created in everyone's mind that I miss deadlines and that I only complete basic tasks. + +Since start of 2022, I have been trying my best to change the perception. I am taking on more tasks as well as completing them on time. However, if I make a single mistake, the views of my senior and manager changes to me being undependable. + +I am being micromanaged because no one trusts me that I can complete the work on time. + +And that's not it. I have also been given a warning of being put on improvement required. + +I am very very stressed. I don't know how things have gone so wrong in just 1 year. I am trying very hard to prove myself, but all my efforts are going to waste. +Plus this stress is now affecting the quality of my work. + + +Please help me out",Stress +49145,"Mental Health or Money I could make a ridiculous amount of money if I stick it out a few more months at my work but I come home everyday in tears and throwing up because of how over worked I am should I: + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/tlhy7k)",Stress +49146,"Do I quit a job with amazing benefits/retirement/vacation/pension? +I am on the verge of quitting one of the highest paying jobs I believe I will ever see in my life. Comes with retirement, vacation, bonuses, annual raises, pension, the list goes on… not to mention the insurance is free.. yes. FREE! That means for a 2000 dollar medical bill, I might pay… 12 dollars. +Why do I want to throw it away? +Because from the moment I started working here I’ve been over worked. I come home exhausted and often times I’m throwing up. My weight has declined dramatically. My sleep is not a regular sleeping schedule as I signed up for 3am-9am but the time is always changing. 2:15 start time? Sure! Next day 4 am start time? Why the hell not?! +My physical and mental health was far better when I was working as a subcontractor. Highly considering going back. Any thoughts?",Stress +49147,"so much stress im unable to even think. Hey guys, ive got a story. + +Last november i quit my job to travel the world and build a company with my friend. this however was not to be as a few weeks in he decided to go do something else. now me not having an income but enough cash to sit on wanted to see if i could make an income myself! struggling for months and months and not getting anything of the ground, i had to return to my home country. now low on cash and struggling to see what i want to do with my life, stress starts ramping up quickly. so quick in fact that i find myself lifeless and unable to even work for 4 straight hours. + +My hopes of working and traveling at the same time have been crushed, and even the option of going back to my old job looks bleak since i would have to sign my life away for 6 years. + +how do you guys deal with this stress, i need to get out of my head and just start learning and working but i find myself so anxious that i cant even focus anymore, i play videogames and watch youtube just to keep my attention away from my current situation. + +quite the story eh, any tips or kicks under my ass would be appreciated. + +thanks so much, + +Sonny.",Stress +49148,What is the difference between vocalizing/expressing stress compared to taking it out on someone else? This is a topic of debate with my partner. Is allowing yourself to experience the stress you feel equivalent to taking it out on someone else? Or is simply speaking in a stressed tone taking it out on someone? Just looking for a distinction.,Stress +49149,"Release what's weighing you down... Relaxation for meditation, deep sleep, and anxiety/stress relief. Hope this video brings light and health to your present situation. + +[https://youtu.be/H5PHmyZFswY](https://youtu.be/H5PHmyZFswY)",Stress +49150,"Stress from just existing?? I don’t feel like theres anything in particular that is causing my stress. Its just having to be alive. I hate waking up in the morning. +I swear its causing me health problems at this point. Im out of high school and I’ve never had trouble with school but its still happening. I think i live a fairly stress free life but im just stressed from being alive?? +Ive tried so many coping mechanisms and none of them seem to work unless im completely distracted and mindless but the second that stops it comes back. +Its gotten to the point where i wake up shaking from stress. Ive tried medications as well and one of them have worked. I always seem to get the side affects but never what im taking it for. Im tired of this shit.",Stress +49151,"Tranquil Island Relaxation Relaxation for meditation, deep sleep, and anxiety/stress relief. Hope this video brings light and health to your present situation. + +[https://youtu.be/S8qS10Qh8OI](https://youtu.be/S8qS10Qh8OI)",Stress +49152,"Burnout? I think I may have burnout. This past semester, I’ve been juggling a lot more than I’m typically used too with 5 classes, a remote practicum and two additional jobs. I also have a horse I am responsible for and feel guilty I haven’t had the time to spend with him that he deserves (though he is well taken care of at a boarding facility). + +My practicum, in specific, has been a great deal of stress for me. Long story, but basically I was convinced to go into an area I have relatively little knowledge about and contrary to what I was told, discovered there was little to any support and structure. I’m a bit of a perfectionist so not knowing what to do has caused me great anxiety. Both my jobs can also be fast-paced and stressful, so I don’t get much of a break from the stress. In the past two months, my norm has been anxiety driven heart palpitations or absolute exhaustion. It has only gotten worse with time. + +I broke up with my bf in Jan due to having little time and besides him, all my friends have moved away. The only nearby support I really have is my parents. I love my mother, but she does not understand this kind of of mental burnout. I go to her because she has been a great sense of comfort over the years, but when I try and explain my burnout, she starts yelling and thinks I haven’t been working hard due to being in my room all day (misconception with remote learning, thinking computer = surfing the net) and otherwise being tired. Ultimately, this just makes me more stressed and the cycle continues. + +I really don’t know what to do at this point. I can’t afford counselling and last I checked, the university farmed their counselling services out so that they are nearly inaccessible now (though this may have changed with regulations relaxing, so I will look into it). Any other suggestions?",Stress +49153,"Soothing Relaxation by the Fireside Relaxation for meditation, deep sleep, and anxiety/stress relief. + +\*5 min + +[https://youtu.be/8G66gKXf5w4](https://youtu.be/8G66gKXf5w4) + +Nature Sounds For Sleep, Relax, Focus, Work, Read, Heal, Stress Relief + +💚 Please adjust the audio volume to your taste",Stress +49154,"Hi I dont have anyone +Im in love w someone and I cant talk to her +I dont have anyone to talk to",Stress +49155,"I think I have a huge burnout, help? Symptoms: physically AND mentally exhausted, not able to work or study, brushing teeth is nearly impossible + +Cause: I had alot of stress from many things at the same time: friendships not going well (emotional stress), having to prevent friends from suicide (very exhausting), having way too much mandatory homework from university, depression(diagnosed) and more sources of stress + +In short I had to deal with much more things than I could. + +I ended up turning into a terrible lazy person who doesnt care about: homework, friends or anything in life. + +In January I already quit university. Sent them an email, goodbye! And now Im at my parents home 24/7. It helps to feel less stressed but my energy level is still so low that it hasnt really improved yet. I want to move on and do something but I know I don't have the energy for it. And there are still sources that give me stress, such as friendships going bad, friends being suicidal, my depression, things in life im unhappy about etc. So even though I have ""100% free time"" im still feeling stressed.",Stress +49156,Stress Free Calming Music https://youtu.be/YGVGueeWxQU,Stress +49157,"18 stressed to the breaking point Im going into university but they want grades i cannot achieve + +I have deadlines i cant breath from i am pushed and pushed to achieve them + +I am in debt a large amount to family members + +I encouraged family members to invest a lot into this crypto scheme and its all gone and i cant bring myself to tell them its gone + +My past is catching up to me again and i am faced with consequences again + +I am a degenerate with money and have 0 income looking for a job to pay off the debt but i am having no luck as i have no time atm because coursework + +My friend recently ended her life on a phone call to me and i havent had time to even begin to processed it so im blocking it out + +My family life is taking a tole + +My father is getting bad with alzheimers and starting to forget me + +My mental health is in a bipolar tornado spiral of shit + +Friends around me are not people i want to be around anymore but i would have no one if i ditched them so i am forced to continue these dead friendships + +.......... + + +Most days i push myself so hard and at the end i come home and scream to myself i just want to run away but cant. Any advice?",Stress +49158,"Recorded some free guided meditations :D I can't post the link here, but they are in a guide of the Instagram-profile @maxi.plueck , in case someone's interested.",Stress +49159,very stressfull job So I'm an engineer for a factory and we are super busy. It is my job to start the production machines and keep them running everyday. I work 70 hours a week and I'm so tired. Everyday something goes wrong and work expects me to stay late all week. I already work 10 plus hours a day. I don't know what to do,Stress +49160,"I think my mom found the explicit photos on my phone and I feel like throwing up. So ive been masturbating for a few years and i started saving videos/photos to my phone so its easier to get to. I always keep them in the hidden section of my phone. Last night I forgot to hide them and I woke up and found them in the recently deleted section and other app I think she went through. The latest notification was 2 hours before I woke up, so I was certain my phone was turned on. + +The photos themselves were just photos and videos of girls I thought were really attractive (they were over 18) and would use to get off to. + +Now since they are in the recently deleted tab, notifications were only 2 hours old (and I had notifications from before 2 hours ago but before I went to sleep), I had apps open which I never use, and my phone wasnt in the spot I last had it. + +So the title says “I think” because im just hoping it was me in my sleep and I was really tired, since some photos were perfectly fine and she hasnt said anything about it yet. + +So incase she actually saw the photos/videos, can someone give me some advice on things like what to say/ do when or if she brings it up?",Stress +49161,"I'm over-reacting all the time Like thousands of people in the last two years, I've had a lot of stress. Lost my father, a job, and a dog. Had a heavy load of family dysfunction. Moved cities and found the isolation of the pandemic really tough. Now I find I am in high stress mode all the time. I over-react. Small things irritate me. I feel exhausted. I took a four-day break a couple of weeks ago and it really helped, and I felt my more reasonable and patient self returning. But now the impatient, over-reactive mindset is back and dominating my life. My job is busy and demanding, but I've always managed in the past. Not sure if I am stressed or depressed. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.",Stress +49162,,Stress +49163,AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Im losing my fucking mind,Stress +49164,"I feel like I'm losing the plot So much going on and I can't focus on any of it, my thoughts are all over the place, instantly to the worst possible place. Tried writing stuff down, thinking logically but nothing is helping, lost interest and drive, feels like I've given up, finding myself just crying because I can't cope with it all. + +Any advice would be greatly appreciated",Stress +49165,"I am very stressed. someone help. So in November 2021 I was with one of my friends at the elementary school near my house. We were messing around and we saw that this person's backyard was connected to a piece of the woods near the school. We saw that she had a stack of rocks. I had the idea when I was with one of my other friends to knock them over but I didn't. This time we did. I can't remember if I did it or him, but I remember seeing the rocks collapse onto the ground. We ran and I didn't think much of it. I assumed they would pick it up and move on. It is now March. We had an assignment where we had to Photoshop a stack of rocks in one of my classes today. I sit near one of my friends that lives near me and knows everyone in the neighborhood and the general area. He said that they put those rocks up in honor of their dead father. I feel terrible. Its not like I would do something like that now and it feels like I played a part in a traumatic experience in their life. I didn't see it they put it back up since then but it is really bothering me. I wanted to tell my parents but I just can't. Please help.",Stress +49166,,Stress +49167,"Nature Sounds For Sleep, Relax, Focus, Work, Read, Heal, Stress Relief This video is to help anyone who is having trouble with distractions while trying to alleviate stress for sleep. Rain has always been a great remedy for both. + +\*5 mins\* + +[https://youtu.be/uYVk5gETwiI](https://youtu.be/uYVk5gETwiI)",Stress +49168,"Free Covid-19 Anxiety e-Workbook. Please, take care of yourselves and of each other. See text for link. The book is available [Here](https://thewellnesssociety.org/free-coronavirus-anxiety-workbook/) from The Wellness Society. Everyone right now needs a little extra help and hopefully, this e-book can assist some of you in uncovering the toolset you need during this abnormal time, or at least it might help with bridging the gap between now and when you may be able to seek more professional assistance. Obviously, it's not a solution to all problems, and some of you are going to be going through a lot more than others, but I hope many of you can find it useful. +Stay safe, stay healthy.",Stress +49169,"Time and Stress Management - Free online course Time and Stress Management - Free online course + +Time management and stress management are two key components to succeeding in life. Creating a system to identify, evaluate, and eliminate distractors and stressors will lead to a more productive and efficient life, inside and outside of work. In this course, you will learn how to earn more time and be less stressed. + +[https://formationgratuite.net/Time-and-Stress-Management/](https://formationgratuite.net/Time-and-Stress-Management/)",Stress +49170,,Stress +49171,"Stress is ruining my relationship I have been in a relationship for the past few months and for the first 3 of the months things have been good. This month as been very stressful between work and school and my mental health have just been deteriorating, and because of that I’ve been more easily irritated. I get into arguments now with my gf everyday about the most mundane things. I am mostly at fault since I’m the one starting them, I’ve just felt like nothing has been enough or certain things she doe’s irritates me. I don’t blame her for anything, she has been the best partner ever and has been very supportive. I just can’t get a hold of my temper and I’m scared it’s gonna drive us apart. I don’t want to be angry I just want to love her and not make her be sad.",Stress +49172,"University Degree Stress Hello I'm currently in my third year of university. Since the start I have been very stressed and at times had bad thoughts come into my head. I tried to talk to my parents about switching programs or go to university with less expectations (The University I'm going to is known to be brutal to their students). Sadly that didn't work which I understand from my parents side if I get through it then it will pay off. The next two years for me is just going to be quite scary as I'll be doing a Full Time course load in the Fall, Spring and Summer for two years straight. Just ranting I guess and some sort of motivation would be nice honestly. + +School for me has always been a stressful topic and has never changed even in high school I'd say I've always been so anxious or stressed about the topic. Though what I can say is that once I do the two years at least I am out and finish my degree and I can move on from the idea of school. Just ranting at this point as this topic has definitely affected me a lot through out the years but this week it has affected me more than ever but I am now coming into terms that with the two year plan I got going it's not going to be that bad forever.",Stress +49173,"Chronic stress help I really wish anyone can help me or i just wanna know if anyone is experiencing the same things i am because i havent found anyone who has. Im getting headaches/migraines every single day. Its been around 2 months now, this isnt the first time this has happened to me it happened 2 years ago same thing. I had migraines every single day non stop for like a year straight, to the point where i couldnt even eat and developed photophobia and couldtn even turn on my room lights or anything. So it eventually went away after a couple months but im back in here again. Doctors tell me that its stress/anxiety but it just doesnt make sense to me as to why it gets this bad to the point where i cant even get up from my bed or be awake for long hours before feeling pain, no one gets it this bad for this long, 7+ months NON Stop??? So it started around November with panic attacks and anxiety, usually something triggers my anxiety and i can control it, but no not this time it happens even when im happy out of nowhere i just feel bad all the time and super weak, then it progressed to me feeling okay in the morning and bad at night, i always knew id feel bad at night so i would do my daily duties during the day. Then it progressed even more to where i started getting my migraines/headaches every day and the light started triggering them. And now end of march im back in my room again lights off, headaches everyday, cant go out cant do anything, i can barely even be on my phone, lights all the way down and blue light off. I did notice though that it starts in my neck and shoulders and where my arms start on my back. I massage myself everyday, i try to take medications but they all give me extreme side effects even tylenol. I know itll be a few months before i get better, but i wish i knew more people that have gone thru this, i even tried magnesium gummies and got side effects from those as well. Ive been doing so well with my anxiety and i try to feel okay and get distracted but the pain never ever ever goes away just gets worse and calms down, please someone help!",Stress +49174,"Acute stress disorder I thought I had it under control, then I had a surgery and was put into surgical menopause, then well. Title says the rest. + +I'm on short term disability leave, I got put on another team in a lower role for when I return to work, but i can't let this happen again. + +My triggers Ive found are repeating myself, getting ignored completely, ""have time for a quick call?"", and having to do other people's jobs for them. Now this all being said, none of that should have been happening anyway because all that is supposed to go to my TOM, not me. + +They're letting me back in little by little to avoid another nervous breakdown next week, but I'm already feeling the stress. + +I can't take long walks yet, can't do light cleaning, no baths for 8 more weeks, can't do really anything physical (surgery restrictions), so I need some ideas how to cope. Or ideas on reasonable boundaries I can set. + +Thanks!",Stress +49175,,Stress +49176,"IT and anxiety I'm a software developer and work long hours sometimes. When I get a complex problem to solve I'm getting nervous and eventually had tension headaches lasting for the entire day. At this stage, I cannot solve a simple problem even 1 + 1. My entire head is overtaken by the pressure and there is no space for other thoughts. Antidepressants provide some relief but destroy my sexual life. This is a horrible way to live so I'm thinking to start a coffee shop and resign from IT. I really love IT and programming but my biochemistry just doesn't want me to be in there.",Stress +49177,,Stress +49178,"College soon, no money, not even a bed to sleep on. Stressed. Concerned how I’ll manage to study living on someone’s couch. I want my own place, I miss having a bed and being able to actually rest.. not wake up because you literally sleep in someone’s living room and they have more then 3+ people a day there. I can’t sleep proper. I can’t get money due to closing my Shopify store, i dont get paid from school until July. I just really am in need of peace and food. Ughh",Stress +49179,"Intern Guys Im going through my second month of in intern in a legal department, low-key I feel like a failure as I keep doing mistakes which actually feel I'm gonna get fired. Because I feel like I'm pissing off my mentors just by doing mistakes which of course was not intentional, it's just idk man, I've being stressing alot as its my first job and I am scared about pissing my mentors off mainly because I know I'm low-key dumb at the same time :')",Stress +49180,I'm at max stress levels At this point I'm not sure if I'm getting sick or if the stress is taking a toll on my body. I've been getting muscle aches every once in awhile over the last 2wks and my body feels so stiff. I've mostly been using tik tok to distract me but it doesn't help with the stress,Stress +49181,Does anyone experience stress…passively? I’ve noticed recently people around me often have to tell me I’m stressed. I’m reminded that my environment at home is extremely stressful & I have pretty bad anxiety. For some reason I don’t really think I feel stressed but my body weight will fluctuate & my habits are irregular. I feel light headed randomly & my jaw will feel tight. How do you recognize & manage stress better?,Stress +49182,"Stressing about Studying I am in my mid 30s and have just been given the chance to do an extra year and a half of study in a different University. The degree that I have was more theory based and I really need hands on experience to be employable in my field, which I now have the opportunity to do alongside guaranteed internships and portfolio work. + +My stress levels are currently through the roof about this, as I am worried that I won't be able to match the calibre of current high school leavers, who, even though treated as adults at University, still seem to have that high school mentality. My main issue is, even though not permanent, the dorm style accommodation and the fact that an ""old"" person is living with basically a teenager, although I did apply for a single room with a shared bathroom, so maybe not so bad. + +Usually I wouldn't have a problem with this, but already having experienced this with not much success, I am now stressing immensely. I'm not there to be anybody's friend, but the way I have been treated in the past, just for being a little older has been disgusting. There is not much available accommodation at all in the country, so looking for anything else is currently out. + +Honestly, I think I'm just stressing because I'm over 30 and feel like I still don't have my life in order, with another future gap in my resume. + +Please tell me I'm going to be ok.....",Stress +49183,"How do you manage your stress even when you can’t tell if you’re stressed or not? I learned not too long ago that you may be stressed even when you don’t feel stressed. I feel like stress is a constant for me. I can’t relax without feeling lazy/antsy and can’t work without feeling fatigued/overworked. + +I don’t know how to decompress when there’s always some work that can be done (homework, chores, etc.) and deadlines approaching.",Stress +49184,"Stress and bladder Can stress make you feel as if your bladder is not completely empty? Been more stressed than usual the last few days and I've suddenly had this sensation. It's happened before but it worries me every time and I can't remember if it's usually connected to more stressful moments. + +Is there any connections between the two or should I worry it could be something else?",Stress +49185,"Stress & Motivation Can someone provide me with any tips on how to get yourself motivated (to workout, to do your work, to clean at home more often etc). I feel like stress is really demotivating for me, and I am looking to turn this cycle of stress and demotivation around.",Stress +49186,"A couple of piano albums that I listen to when I need to calm down One is called In the Light of a Thousand Sunsets and you can find it here https://open.spotify.com/album/25u0tLxx6GOEzJlFB6x6Wy (for other music services check this link https://album.link/i/1676357174) + +The other one is called A Waltz For Lilly - https://open.spotify.com/album/5uppYYROsBMyF6yvtWGctW or https://album.link/i/1569647140",Stress +49187,"Am I choosing the right mindeset? I wonder.. is it my stress, time management, or myself as a person in general that is blocking myself from doing the best I can? Or is it my anxiety and overthinking getting to me? + +I am a F14 in my freshman year of high school, currently going through a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I'm trying really hard managing between piano, soccer, and my grades with school. I love everything equally, (well maybe except school..), but in the end, my grades are my priority over piano or soccer. I know that piano and soccer may benefit me throughout high school, but grades are more important. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on neither one. + +But here I am with a B- (84.5) in my history class, and I need to get it to an A- (90.1) by the end of my school final which is in about 2 months. Well I'll need an A- at least, so I could take AP Euro in my sophomore year, and it's only available in my sophomore year as well. AP Euro is definitely not a necessity for my next year in high school, but it'll benefit me a lot, and as my school is very tough and competitive, I want to achieve my goal and do it. My teacher is crazy strict, being 87 years old, he has his more ""older-fashioned"" and more ""understandable"" ways of grading. So I stress trying to fit into his perfect standards, but at the end of the day, I keep telling myself. In the future, there will always be people that will be wanting a perfect requirement that fits them. I will need to be able to be adjusting to those specific requirements, for the future, to benefit myself and my ideal career future and more. + +I've never gotten a B, or a grade range in the B section (B-, B, or B+) throughout middle school and my first semester of high school until now. Is it the stress that's piling on me after all these hard schoolwork I'm not managing well or enough with my time that I have? My sleep schedule is actually horrid, I usually sleep at 2-4AM waking up at 6AM, with soccer practice 3-4 times a week (usually I skip at least 1 day a week since it's a little too much), and 2 lessons of piano a week. Also including the clubs I've decided to join, Mock Trials, which is now coming to an end with competitions. Volunteering, which I guess I could choose which days to help out.. but.. The homework. The load at my school is actually crazy, about 2-3 assignments new each period, which is every day, so in a week total about 30-40 assignments, which is quite a buttload. It's due either the following days, or sometimes, a miracle as it is it'll be due next week. But then again, there's at least 1-2 tests a week, which I need to study a lot for. Oh of course, there's also the projects and essays, let's add about 1 for every other week. + +Should I take a break from piano or soccer, and put my grades at my priority instead? I think I can be able to take my grade, 84.5% up to a 90.1% at least, which is \~6% of a percentage raise that I'll need to be okay. Telling my friends this, all I get in response is the same, ""It'll be okay."" All I wish these days is someone to tell me more than ""it'll be okay"". I'm still new to the environment of high school, and figuring out what fits for me, and what doesn't fit for me. Encouragement, something I haven't heard in awhile, is what I hope boosts me. Thanks for reading this far. + +TLDR ; Not having the most decent grade in history class (84.5%), wanting to take AP Euro next year for my class, I need at least a 90.1% for my requirement to join the class. Struggling with the management of piano and soccer as well for my extracurricular activities, as well as school clubs, should I take a break from something? I need to put my grades before other stuff, including the fact to not freak out with studying and use time well. Also wish someone could tell me, I'm able to do it, and they have confidence in me. Thanks again.",Stress +49188,"School stress is getting worse Hi! +I just finished my second term today. I got my marks — great, btw. But the school stress has impacted me so badly that even now, when I’ve gone into end of the term break, I feel like there is something to be done. There are no homework assignments, no projects, nothing to be done, but still. It got to the point where I stress about non-school stuff — whether I showered or not, ate or not, read today or not; and sometimes, just stress, about literally nothing. +Maybe I’m writing this for validation, but I don’t think that’s what I need the most. Can someone help me control this damn situation.",Stress +49189,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be entered to win a **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory +* Not have prior experience with mindfulness/meditation +* Not currently be receiving therapy + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +49190,"Nausea My dissertation is due in 2 weeks and lately I've had nausea all day, it's surely stress related? Any management tips? Thanks",Stress +49191,"Stress after coming home Guys I really need your help. I don't know when it started but here it is. When I am in college studying and having fun with friends, its great. I am even quiet popular in group. But when I leave from there I don't know but I just stress a lot. I do have situation where my talk is cut off, in a normal way as everyone else's does. but I cant get over it. + +And other things which I don't even know make me stress. and then I start overthinking and cant do nothing. i might start to bit nails, scratching skin during the stress. + +After like an hour or two are passed, i am normal and very productive and enjoy it. + +Please I need help.",Stress +49192,"Neck Tension Hi all. I've been dealing with neck/shoulder tension for years. I am a software developer with likely bad posture - for over 10 years. Lately I'm quite stressed as well. All in all I'm in a constant state of neck/shoulder tension. + +&#x200B; + +I've tried so many things but nothing ""releases"" it. I have one of those shoulder massagers from Amazon - it actually feels quite good especially when it rolls up my neck - but I feel like I can do it **forever** and there is just infinite tension there - shouldn't it ""stop"" at some point? I've seen some threads on here but looking to make my own I guess. + +&#x200B; + +Things I tried: + +* PT +* Chiro +* Neck/Shoulder Massager +* Stretches +* Heat pads (these actually help a little but I don't think I should be walking around every day with heat pads..maybe I can?) +* Magnesium Oil +* Like 6 different pillows - none of them result in me waking up without a stiff neck. Down pillows, thin, thick, memory foam, nothing! +* Foam roller +* Theracane/tennis balls + +Has anyone found anything that actually works, and fast?",Stress +49193,"Massive left ear pain in stressfull overwhelming situations? I noticed that everytime i am in a daylong stressfull Situation or get the overwhelmed feeling i react with thr same body symptoms. Worst factor is the massive left ear pain (not able to even touch it). +Most times it seems to start (and stay at) pulsatile tinnitus like effects. If i lay my head to the left side or on a pillow, i hear my pulse as swishing dumb sounds making me irritated extremly. +But as other sympathetic system symptoms add up, like fast breathing, fatigue from overwhelmed feeling,appetite loss and obviously higher bp, i get massive pain at left ear. + +I tried several treatments to get to know what that could be, antihistamines, nsaids, decreasing glutamate... Thinking it must be a combines inflammation/glutamate/adrenaline thing. + +Could anyone explain it and give me some recommendations? I suffer for years now and cant solve that.",Stress +49194,"Reducing stress via gamified online controlled breathing exercise Hi everybody! I'm a Honours students studying Psychology at the University of the Sunshine Coast, Australia. + +This little study (less than 30 minutes) is part of my Thesis, and your participation will help me understand more about gamification and motivating people to exercise more in online mindfulness programs which in turn reduces stress and anxiety. + +Thanks for your time! + +[https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/6282B8CA-8646-4CAD-A5A3-C716E7BC19D8](https://research.sc/participant/login/dynamic/6282B8CA-8646-4CAD-A5A3-C716E7BC19D8)",Stress +49195,Reduce Your Stress Does breathing exercises help you to reduce your stress?,Stress +49196,"Is anxiety caused by stress? Is anxiety caused by stress? +Like for example, stressful job is route cause of anxiety - if I changed jobs will my anxiety likely go away??",Stress +49197,,Stress +49198,"I'm mad and sulking over a single bad date. I'm 28. Had 6 dates in my life. Never had sex before. Had 1 bad acquaintance that I needed therapy to deal with. + +I don't hate women. I don't think everything is pointless. I chat with coworkers, but I don't have a lot of friends. Ladies seem to think I'm a nice person and funny. I don't have much trouble shamelessly asking someone out. I've long thought I have enough hobbies and interests and goals to keep myself mentally stable and preoccupied. Doesn't stop everyone from saying I'm a sweet guy who just needs to be more confident, less sensitive, and wait for the right person. + +I get flustered when I meet someone flirty or shameless, but I play it off with self-deprecation and wit. + +I had a date with a coworker who was coming onto me frequently (poking me, prodding me, talking about bodily functions, giving me looks and signs and thank yous, took my phone number, called me, wishes me morning, acts like she's out of breath around me, talks about and asks me sexual questions, talks about her dating history, etc). + +She wanted to go to a Barne's and Noble's. I was 10 minutes late due to traffic and she'd shown up an hour early to give herself a headstart. + +She stood next to me, I comically volunteered to be pack mule, and we sat and read books for a while, talking in-between. She made a spa appointment at 4pm. I asked her what she wanted - 1) friendship, 2) casual sex, 3) a relationship. I wasn't good for 2 (no confidence). + +She described to me frequently about how much her previous relationships messed her up, we talked indirectly our thoughts about romance and such. + +Her answer was 1 and she said she didn't know what the future hold. + +We left and I went to a Chic-filet she'd informed me was there. Then I drove home rather than wait the hour for her appointment to finish, said I had fun, and drove home listening to Drowning Pool and Foo Fighters. + +I got home, played a video game, laid down, and fought back tears feeling every insecure and negative thought I've had about myself. This date was something I wanted and it felt like I came away with less than I started with. She said she'd text me later and didn't get around to it until much later, and even though it was a short time I felt myself getting lonelier and madder because we just weren't having the initial flirty back and forth we did before the date. + +I turned my phone off. + +Everyone is going to tell me ""there's a million fish"" and she even said ""some people just don't vibe"" but the messages are just so unclear to me right now. This isn't too long after I broke up with someone who I felt like I did vibe with. + +I just can't see myself continuing to give this much energy toward meeting someone new another 5-00 times like everybody else. I'm a sensitive person. I feel drained and hateful of everyone that dating comes so easily to even though I know that's wrong. I'm so mad we didn't click its embarassing, and I know it's not her fault. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't feel like exercising or doing anything positive. I just want to be angry. + +I guess I walked in expecting she'd throw herself at me, and I'd have the chance to be a gentleman and be like ""hey I like you, but I want to get to know you"" and she'd be like ""ah he's not just a desperate fuck, he has character."" And well that didn't happen. Instead I feel like I got read and told politely I wasn't what someone was looking for. And any attempt at friendship on my end will be a desperate act. + +I could be entirely wrong. + +I would have liked if we'd hugged at the end or made additional plans. She agreed to doing something in the near future but I didn't get any excitement out of it. Optimistically I want to say we could probably be friends. Cynically I think she's not going to reach out and I spent an hour each way driving, took a day off of work for what I wanted to be a great date - I did all of that for nothing. + +Of the 3 actual dates I've gone on after many years of rejection and indifference - the first didn't know how to tell me she wasn't interested and ghosted me for weeks, the second said sweet things about me but said she wasn't ready and was still healing from a previous relationship and said I need to be with someone who can do 50-50 in the relationship, and now this, where I felt someone coming onto me and tried to match it, and realizing at the end that I walked away in a toxic cloud of mental fog. + +I hate dating. So much. And I hate the way my brain and my emotions work. So much.",Stress +49199,"nonstop anxiety throughout the whole day. now i have a nightmare which was never this intense and emotional. i’m feeling that my lens of the world disappeared and my old self is not here anymore. why do i experience these things? so for context ive had an abusive dad growing up, and everyday living with him changed me. i feared getting yelled at for doing kid things, getting suffocated because i was crying. thinking about that now makes me mad of what i have to go through, but now i put that behind me. recently i’ve been stressed because of my bf and that internal problem just led up to more things, such as my purpose in life, who i want to be, and just self doubt. i feel like i’m not surrounding myself with the right people because i think they’re taking advantage of me, and are extremely careless to me. besides people, i’ve been feeling numb to the world. i feel like a robot and other peoples true self are showing a lot more. it feels like i’m high except.. i’m not high. the smaller things in my head stands out more like the noise outside my window. i’m usually not concentrated on that, but my brain picks it up more easily like i’m more aware of these things happening. my surroundings feels a lot different from usual. but i know myself when i’m completely normal versus when i’m out of it. there’s some people from reddit that told me i had an experience of depersonalization. i smoked before to get rid of some stress, and smoking mildly i know will not make me feel this way. the stress is overwhelming me and i feel trapped. but right now i had a vivid nightmare and it’s about the people in my real life. it affects me more and it’s the first time i’ve experience an actual nightmare. i usually don’t remember my dreams and i move past it, but this time it gave me a lot of stress, i remember the whole plot and context, the whole energy of it, and it’s scaring me. + +my feelings overall and what i’m experiencing, +-not in my body +-high but i didn’t smoke (outside of my body) +-stress throughout the day and night +-restless and pressure against my chest +-no appetite (i’ve been eating a small meal once a day now.. it’s barely anything) +-insomnia (which 2 weeks ago, everything was normal) +-paranoia +-a bunch of thoughts on my mind (usually negative) +-no meaning in life and sadness. like an empty or sort of numb feeling +-realization that’s talking or texting feels a lot different, it wasn’t the same normal feeling from before, it felt +like i changed in way that isn’t permanent.. i hope) +-nightmare (which kind of made me realize that there’s something i’m going through that isn’t normal at all, i’ve been through some shit but i’ve never had an actualt nightmare with a plot and this intense before, it lasted about an hour until i woke up) +-my period is late, and for the past 4 months of tracking it, it hasn’t been late before. + +i want to stop feeling this way and to not overthink as much. what do i do?",Stress +49200,"headaches... and severe anxiety It feels like I'm going to pass out I know I won't but that's how bad it is some days. I'm trying to actively work on my financial situation which is causing me the most stress however I don't know what to do to get a second job cause most demand open availability but won't give you a lot of hours... + +It doesn't really help that I drink alcohol on my time off a couple days a week and come to work hungover twice in the past month to make the job easier. + +I mean seeing a therapist would be beneficial but I don't have health insurance for a few more weeks at least and it would worsen my financial situation. I'm looking into seeing if I can use one of my boyfriend's free counseling sessions he gets from his job cause I doubt he will use them (unless he needs them but it seems like right now he's doing fine and I'm an anxious wreck). I feel like I'm just not fully present and my mind is foggy more than half the time. Chronically tired no matter the amount of sleep I get. I take multivitamins and eat fairly healthy but I'm mostly on the go not really the type of person who enjoys big ass crowds but seems like I keep finding myself in them. I'm very close to having a public mental breakdown.",Stress +49201,,Stress +49202,"My stress is out of control Quick brief : 25F first born daughter, ideally most responsible in family. Over achiever in school and life as general. Grew up in a high overstimulating environment. Always planning ahead + + +Current : I’ve always been great have blocking out my stress or simply over working through my stress but it seems has if my mind has ran out of storage space and my stress is showing up in physical ( weight loss, withdrawn , isolation , lack of motive , hopeless ness )….. once again the over achiever in me is trying to over ride that with exercising / yoga, prayer, new goals and hobbies….. ( more stress for my schedule because I have to maintain knowing I’m stressed out already ). + + +Emotional well-being : lost two family members back to back and ended a few friendships so I feel uncertain about life, trying to adapt to change and feeling unsafe and insecure + + +Symptoms : 2020 physical panic attacks +Late 2020 -2021 burst into hives +2022 physical stomach pain thought I had an ulcer . Stomach burning real bad when stressed ( endoscopy procedure was done i believe ) +2023 itchy neck face palms stomach …. Entire body + +Medication : benerdyl , hydro poxmate ( can’t spell and too overwhelmed to look it’s an anxiety allergy med for hives ) + +I’m in therapy slowly helping but I need advice on someone whose actually expended and over came “ calm down “ is not enough. I’d like to get this under control for a bet te r future",Stress +49203,I don’t understand. I’m at a point where any little annoyance causes stress. And afterwards my body just becomes hot and I get sweaty.,Stress +49204,"Feel like everything thinks i'm annoying and I'm unhappy with how I never stand up for myself. I've been planning my wedding that is happening in May of this year. + +I got engaged a few months ago in January, and at first I felt fine with taking on everything but now it's starting to get into my head and I feel overwhelmed everyday. + +My days consist of me working, wedding planning, and sleeping. Most of the time if i'm doing something other than that, I'm thinking of my wedding anyways. If I go shopping there's always something that will catch my eye and remind me of what I need to do or purchase for the big day. + +Not only that, but my partner is in another country (LDR) and he can only do so much to help me with it all besides pay for things here and there. I live on my own while my partner lives at home (he's never been on his own before) and i'm struggling to pay for small things like a DJ or even cake. + +I've tried talking to him about wedding stuff and he tends to get overwhelmed or be distracted with other things he's doing like gaming etc. Last night, I was talking to him about décor options we had and I showed him our ceremony space. It's on a terrace/large outdoor patio at this nice hotel in my city. I went personally to view the venue a week after we got engaged, sent him videos and photos, and he loved it too! Now when i showed him the photos last night he made a few ""not so happy"" faces and I almost started crying right there from the stress of it all. He kept saying ""I guess it'll have to do.."" and things like that. Felt like I screwed it up so bad. + +I feel like a failure, that I picked a bad venue...and to top it all off I have a few people in my bridal party who are being really catty towards me now. They keep shitting on me for having ""bad communication"" even though I'm trying my best and have everything on MY shoulders. They haven't offered to do anything specific but constantly say ""I want to help in any way I can! Let me know what to do!"" and I have no clue what to ask them. Also, a bridesmaid of mine really dislikes my MOH and tries to make me feel like she's not doing ""enough"" and says she feels she's unsupportive. + +I didn't even want a big wedding at a hotel. I originally imagined a wedding where I am married at a nice park, have dinner at a nice restaurant and then go to a pub for a beer after to celebrate. + +The only reason it became a big wedding is because of my in laws and my family coming, plus a bunch of my friends wanted to go. My fiancé is only bringing 3 family members and none of HIS friends are going to come (despite travelling to Mexico for a wedding recently). + +After all this, I can see why people elope or have really really small weddings.",Stress +49205,Before exam I am so stressed out that I am not even able to learn anymore. I have exam in two days so its a lot of time to reread thins. But I am so stressed out I cannot focus and I am to afraid to look at the books. :l,Stress +49206,"Stress connected to a new job position. I've recently started a new job position at my current company and have a serious case of imposter syndrome. This position comes with a host of new responsibilities, and I feel as though I'm not performing as well as I should be and I keep making mistakes, I am still in training however I can't help but feel like I'm underperforming and it is mainly to do with stress, I'm stressed out and overwhelmed so I make mistakes and then stress about those same mistakes and it has become this vicious circle. I also haven't been sleeping. It is the only thing I can think about and it's destroying my confidence. I've been having multiple panic attacks sometimes multiple times a day during my breaks and when I am alone at home and have very recently started therapy to try and deal with this however I feel like it's just eating me alive. Has anybody experienced anything similar and perhaps give me a bit of perspective? Or advice on how you have dealt with this kind of stress? Sorry if this is the wrong kind of post for this sub. TIA.",Stress +49207,"song that INSTANTLY reduces my stress hi. when i listen to this song my overthinking stops, heart rate goes down and i get a break from the stress i'm feeling at the moment. + +[https://open.spotify.com/track/1UVgOlmTW3eSkCekVy5Pu9?si=024b311ba35f4130](https://open.spotify.com/track/1UVgOlmTW3eSkCekVy5Pu9?si=024b311ba35f4130) + +wanted to share, maybe it works for someone else",Stress +49208,"Breathing techniques for stress Which breathing techniques do you find work best to calm you down when you feel stressed? + + +I find box breathing (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 second, repeat) and 4-7-8 (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds, repeat) are the two techniques that work best for me. + + +Slow, long breaths seem to make me feel the most calm too. + + +What works for you?",Stress +49209,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +49210,"Life Experience Is it just me or do most of you find with given events overtime, you find the previous events in hindsight weren’t as stressful as what they were during the peak of things? As if the more stressful situations and experiences we go through build resilience and gives you the opportunity in future to determine and deem a situation as stressful or not?",Stress +49211,"How can I be confident when I speak infront of the crowd? Tommorow I have to speak infront of the whole class for like 7 minutes (it’s part of our exam), without reading or anything. We haven’t really done it before, and i’m an extremely anxious and shy person infront of people i’m not close to, I get extremely anxious. I will need to look to the crowd and talk for 7 minutes and I just know I will fail, or I will turn red and feel it and panic, or I will just simply forget what I need to talk about. I learnt it really well but I will 100% get a panic attack and if anyone knows how to help with this, then share your advice..",Stress +49212,"I often feel like I either need to feel stressed or useless I constantly either need to be doing various projects and filling my plate so much that I can barely handle it. Or I actually let myself do nothing and I feel like the most useless piece of crap. No in between. + +If I’m not busy all the time, it’s like I don’t deserve an rewarding existence.",Stress +49213,"Transport Your Mindset to a Calm Soothing place, Ambient Music for Deep ... stay calm",Stress +49214,"Stress is or physical illness is there even a difference? Last year the past few months I had been suffering from stress - for me the physical symptoms are a tightness in the chest leading to a feeling of tension through my body. + +I finally went to a doctor and they diagnosed me - not with stress but pretty bad GERD. I took large doses of nexium for a few months - and wow - stress and tension gone. + +Has anyone else had this experience - where past stress is masking a physical illness or vice versa?",Stress +49215,"I'm in a toxic relationship! It pains me to admit it but I am in a toxic relationship. A relationship with no trust and confidence, no God, constant bickering, and growing violence. We both bring out the worst in each other. What should I do? We have plans tho, and we're working on them. We're just too proud and too dominant against one another. + +I just hate this situation we're in.",Stress +49216,"During work, a random stranger came up to me and told me everything is going to be alright... And I burst into tears... I'm a (22 female) and my job is reporting and introducing new stores and foods on TV. It's creative and fun but because of the unstable income my mother doesn't support me. + +I knew that from the beginning but hoping to please and attempt to make her proud of my accomplishments she would just say ""Why do I need to say I'm proud of you? You have to be proud of yourself"" It's been an ongoing toxic loop so I always distance myself or not contact her, however since last week she's been living with me and we have been bickering here and there. I don't let that get in the way with work though. + + +Anyway. Today this random stranger during my break time came up to me and looked directly into my eyes and said + + ""You don't need to push yourself. It's okay."" + +She kept holding my shoulders and gently rubbing them and I have no clue if this is hypnosis + + ""I know you have some family troubles right now but I can see there are good people behind you. Really good people"" + +And little by little the weight in my shoulders started to get lighter. And it felt fuzzy. I had this feeling why does she know my family? Can she read me? Am I readable? Is my aura out? I'm about to panic! Then I just burst into tears and had to control myself to do the next reporting. + +It was such a confusing experience because she was smiley nice in her 50s lady. + +Can someone tell me if she was a hypnotist or if she can see my soul or some angels or if she was just an empath that knew I was extremely stressed and wanted to let me know I was stressed. Because later She was motioning to her friend her shoulders like letting her know my shoulders were super tight or scrunched up. + +I don't know... It was such a coincidence. And a strange encounter that I had to write about this experience as my first post.",Stress +49217,"Not capable of relaxing? Hi you all, my problem is i would like to pursue more creative hobbies like drawing but 90% of the times i feel i can't because i am too stressed for something (i am in uni now, so it is alternating between lessons and exams). That something being too mentally tired for doing anything else rather the watching the phone or the tv, or being too mentally tired because of studying. I am sure someone else has encountered this problem. How you solve this?",Stress +49218,"Understanding Anxiety Causes And Symptoms And Treatment Options Anxiety is a normal part of life, but it can become overwhelming for some. It’s important to understand the causes and symptoms of anxiety so you can recognize it in yourself or someone else, as well as know what treatment options are available. In this article, we’ll take an in-depth look at understanding anxiety – from its causes and symptoms to the various approaches to treating it. + +&#x200B; + +When faced with stressful situations such as work deadlines or personal issues, many people experience feelings of worry or fear that can lead to physical sensations like tightness in their chest or increased heart rate. These are all common signs of anxiety, something that everyone experiences on occasion. However, when these feelings become chronic and interfere with everyday tasks, they may be indicative of an anxiety disorder. + +&#x200B; + +There are numerous treatments available for those suffering from anxiety disorders ranging from lifestyle changes to psychotherapy and medication if needed. Learning more about how your body responds to stressors and triggers can help you manage your own emotions better and make informed decisions when seeking professional help. By exploring the different aspects of understanding anxiety through this article, you will gain valuable insight into managing your own mental well-being. This can help you to develop healthy coping mechanisms and better communication skills that will benefit you in the long run. + +[https://beautyaal.com/understanding-anxiety-causes-and-symptoms-and-treatment-options/](https://beautyaal.com/understanding-anxiety-causes-and-symptoms-and-treatment-options/)",Stress +49219,"need $600 in 10 days. I’m struggling quite a bit to reach my goal. I wish I had more help with friends and family but I really don’t have anyone who can help, so I’m just stressed out trying to manage and stay safe, I barely eat or sleep trying to survive. I was able to reach out for a loan but I’m unable to qualify for it due to not have stable work for 6 previous months. +It’s like.. in america, HOW… can I… get out of this. I need to pay for my room bill, I don’t want to be on the streets or shelter I enjoy feeling secure in my space… it’s just stressful seriously.",Stress +49220,"Is the stress of my international sales job worth the benefits? Looking for guidance….. Hi, + +I’m a sales director who recently received a promotion to build and lead a new sales operation for an Australian media company in a foreign country. After relocating my family and settling into our new home, I found the job to be manageable, albeit stressful, for the first 8-9 months. + +However, after a year, I've realized that the stress has become a part of my daily routine, and it's starting to change my personality. I'm experiencing burnout, feeling completely drained, unmotivated, and even depressed at times. I report to upper management located overseas who may not fully understand the realities of building a new operation in a foreign country. Despite being expected to do more with less, the results are still expected. + +I'm struggling to decide if I should push through this or throw in the towel. On one hand, the benefits of international experience, such as building and managing a team in a new market and exploring new commercial initiatives, are invaluable. On the other hand, the stress is taking its toll, and I'm not sure if it's worth it. + +I would appreciate any advice from those who have been in similar situations or know someone who has. It can be quite isolating, and I lack a trusted network of experienced expats to turn to for guidance. Thank you in advance for your help.",Stress +49221,"I’m extremely overwhelmed and need help managing my stress I (31F) am extremely stressed and overwhelmed with work. The workload has drastically increased within the last 6months and I’m having a hard time keeping up with is causing a lot of stress and instability. I can’t sleep and don’t have energy for hardly anything outside of work. + +I’ve always had very demanding jobs but this is definitely one of the toughest times I’ve been in. On top of that, my personal life isn’t that swell either. + +I thought I’ve always managed my stress well because I’ve always lived a difficult life but I’m realizing that I’m not handling it well at all. I’m forming bad habits and it’s only effecting my overall productively and work ethics. + +Does anyone have any tips to the best way to handle high stress and feeling overwhelmed with too many tasks at hand? + +Any natural tips for sleep aids would be really helpful as well! + +I appreciate any and all support!",Stress +49222,beard picking disorder Beard picking from months results in many ingrown hair has anyone experience this? How to solve?,Stress +49223,"no good days I have so much stuff to do and worry about i cant relax i have schizophrenia and hear voices occasionally, im on 7 medications for it, i got denied for a cheaper apartment, i have an abusive bf, my job isnt paying the bills, i have a three year old to watch and provide for, i have bad social snxiety so im stressed meeting new ppl irl, alot of my family members are old or have passed away. I have this car to fix, i have debts to pay. .... a million problems wtf am i to do",Stress +49224,"How to deal with the anxiety of crossing paths with your exes, when you're out with family? I have had flings and short term thing with some crazy women (which i regret). + +Though i have treated them like a queen throughout the time we were together, I always have this fear that what if they make any false accusations or create a scene when I cross paths with them in future, or try to defame me in case I do something big in life. + +How to deal with this constant fear?",Stress +49225,"Stress Survey Hey everyone! I am conducting some research on stress levels among college students. I'm a student myself and this is my first time conducting a study myself so I'm really sorry if my survey isn't the best. I would really appriciate if people would take my survey on stress! Everything is anonymous, I just need as much data as possible to help move my study along. If everyone is interested, I can post my results here when the study is done. + + +[https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7](https://forms.gle/Zr76jzyp1xLxzCjZ7)",Stress +49226,"What are these random stress attacks? Recently it does happen that I randomly, all of a sudden, get stress attacks. Like even if nothing happens at all. One time it lasted a whole day and then also the morning after. Recently it started in the night and caused me to not be able to sleep. This stress is usually just feelings of unbearable tension and fear. There are no physical symptoms. During the attacks I get thoughts about all possible things that I ever found stressful. Maybe worth noting that I recently recovered from depression, and it's like the sadness turned into these attacks. + +What can it be and how do I prevent these?",Stress +49227,What Are Legitimate Way I Can Relieve Stress? I just want to know some ways I can actually use. Please leave any suggestion in the comments. Thank you.,Stress +49228,"I can't stop thinking and I need to vent!! Hi Reddit, I'm here to vent about my stress, and honestly, I have no one to talk to. I am F (23), and last year I started my first ""big girl job"" as a copywriter in marketing. I originally studied filmmaking to be a screenwriter or producer, anything to get me to be on set. My love and passion for being behind the scenes and seeing the projects come to life are breathtaking. I enjoy talking to the cast, getting behind the camera, and being transported to a different unique world. So why was my first big job in marketing? + +During the pandemic, my concern was how to get myself out there when I was very limited in making connections and unable to go out and shoot because of social distancing measures due to the pandemic. The school I was in offered an internship for a class in marketing, and I took it (honestly, anything to make my portfolio and resume look good). Not going to lie; the internship was fun and exciting, so when they offered me an entry-level position in marketing, I was hesitant. I didn't study marketing or advertising or anything related to that, just filmmaking. They knew that I only had knowledge of film but still wanted to give me a chance to explore my career options. Now, having been here for a year, I've built up an extreme amount of stress. + +Every single day I am constantly feeling stressed, anxious, and depressed. I'm always messing up, and it has gotten to the point where I received a PIP. I saw it coming. + +I am struggling with my grammar, not being strong enough when it comes to presenting, and lacking creativity. Things are so rushed here that I often miss a thing or two, which reflects poorly on me. Being dyslexic doesn't help either. As a result, I received a PIP, and it has spiked my stress levels and anxiety to the point where I feel sick every day. I can't eat, don't feel like getting out of bed, can't breathe, can't sleep, and can't think clearly. + +Additionally, I have been struggling with a yeast infection for six months (yes, you read that right). My doctor says I have a candida overgrowth, so I am on a strict diet in hopes of getting it under control. + +The whole experience is making me feel like a failure, like I've made a big joke out of myself. My manager talked to me and said that copywriting marketing isn't for me because I didn't learn it, and he knows my skills lie elsewhere. I agree, but I am afraid I won't find a job in film with how the economy is and the difficult hiring process I see on social media. It's terrifying. How am I going to pay for school, debt, help my parents, pay for groceries for this stupid candida diet, and help my grandma in Mexico, and more bills? + +My parents and a coworker of mine are giving me words of encouragement and saying that everything is going to be okay. They say I should still be proud because I tried something new, created a new set of skills, and toughened up. I don't know if that's true.",Stress +49229,"Venting Sorry if this isn't appropriate for here, but the stress is killing me. I'm 24 and I feel like I've got the stress of a 45 year old going through a midlife crisis! + +Three weeks ago, I started up a new job with security, I got one 6 hour shift, and three 12 hour shifts. Honestly, I love this job despite the hours, and I can handle it. + +But, this past week? Everything feels like it fell apart. My sister popped over with her husband on a surprise visit ( haven't seen her in 14 years ) so it should've been exciting, but all it did was bring trouble to our already fragile household. She instigated drama with my father and everyone else, then her boyfriend was just causing problems with zero consequences. Then, two days later, my Uncle shows up and it's all great.. up until he hits me with news tonight that he's got cancer and he's trying to enjoy himself since he's scared of worse case scenario. All of this on top of family dilemmas with my father, seeing it affect my grandmother? ALL tied together with the very awkward sleep I get, I can just feel my mental health regressing back to incredibly old, toxic, unhealthy ways. I wanna smoke weed to ignore the stress and call off work, but I know doing all that will ruin any progress I've ever made. + +Oh, I'm also having allergies worse than ever so my nose is constantly dried up, in pain, slightly bleeding and my eyes itch like hell. I know I'm just yapping at this point, but good lord, it feels like way too much to stomach in such a short amount of time. + +Again, if this isn't the place, I apologize. Just looking for others in a similar mess, maybe I'm looking for some words of reassurance. Don't know, but thank you to anyone who fully reads this rambling",Stress +49230,"Decrease stress by ADDING a hormetic stressor into your life. One of the best ways to decrease how much total stress you experience is by adding good forms of stress (short and moderate) called hormetic stressors. Cold water is a prototypical hormetic stressor. It releases stress hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline but it is short and not extreme. + +We just launched an app that provides guided cold showers to make it easy for you to do them. It is led by a Master Chief Navy SEAL. We teach you a set of mental tools around tactical breathwort, body relaxation, self talk, etc. These tools not only make cold showers easier but they also help you handle stress more generally. + +In fact, the best way to train yourself to handle stress better is to systematically stress yourself and then practice these tools while stressed. If you do that, these tools will become reflexive any time your body generates stress hormones. + +getmental.com + +One side note - the app is geared generally to men.",Stress +49231,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be **entered to win** **a** **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify or do not wish to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Stress +49232,"Simple Ways to Destress and Relax After a Long Day Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out? If so, you’re not alone. In today’s world, it can be hard to keep up with the demands of life while still maintaining a healthy lifestyle. From work deadlines to family obligations, stressors come in all shapes and sizes. Fortunately, there are many techniques that can help reduce stress levels and boost your overall well-being – and they don’t have to take hours or require costly materials! Here’s a look at some helpful tips for destressing quickly and easily. + +[https://beautyaal.com/de-stress/](https://beautyaal.com/de-stress/)",Stress +49233,"How to manage stress while doing a speech? Tomorrow I’m doing a speech in front of 300 people. It’s my first time talking in front so many people and I’m really nervous. I’m basically a shy person so it doesn’t help. +Do you have any tips for managing stress in that situation?",Stress +49234,"Interested into breath work to relief stress - :Take part in 2 minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +49235,"What are some techniques you use to lower your stress but still maintain focus on your work and goals? Lately everything has just been super stressful. I find myself thinking about the stress itself instead of the work. I love what I do, but i want to learn how to keep a healthy amount of stress for a better quality of life. + + +- thank you",Stress +49236,,Stress +49237,,Stress +49238,"Experiencing a physical stress symptom but don't feel stressed So I know I'm experiencing stress, because I'm getting a sensation in the back of my head (not quite a headache but a bit of discomfort), which has always been associated with stressful/anxious situations. It started occuring right after I started uni again, so that's probably the cause. The thing is though, I don't feel anxious or anything though, I just have this one symptom.. is this just as bad as being full-on stressed? Like will it age me the same amount that full-on stress will?",Stress +49239,Life is stressing I’m about to turn 17 and I just got my license I put a job application in for a grocery store because I knew I needed money for gas and car insurance but what I wasn’t expecting was the fact I’m not gonna be able to afford gas money if I pay for insurance so now I have to find a high end paying job just to get by I’m so stressed and scared and I didn’t realize life was this unforgiving I knew I would need to pay for bills and taxes and all this but minimum wage is just not enough you can’t survive off that I can’t even work for 10$ an hour and survive so now I’m waiting on a call from my father to try and get a landscaping job that should pay way more but I’m still gonna barely have anything I thought growing up was freedom and it was supposed make you feel happy but I feel nothing but regret sadness and fear I hope it gets better I’m only 17 and I feel like I’m 80 a tip to those who are younger who might see this SAVE.YOUR.MONEY all of it,Stress +49240,"Grad School Vent Anyone else in a Master's program and hate it? Nothing is ever explained, such complicated assignments, not to mention professors that are not invested in their students but care more about their research interests, a department that is so disorganized it is falling to pieces. Anyone else can relate? Thank god it is almost over, it has been one of the WORST experiences, most stressful, and its been so draining on my mental health.",Stress +49241,"Take part in 2minutes survey and win 50 USD Amazon Voucher. Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +We want to develop a breath work app for stress management. + +Please take part in our very short survey to shape our app. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk](https://www.kano.plus/studies/respond/JwKdRBP6BK528dudk) + +If you want to win an Amazon voucher in addition, please write me a message with your e-mail and name of the features we asked for (so that we know you did the survey.) + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +49242,"How To Handle Stress & Its Effects On The Body Stress is a normal part of life and it’s important to find ways to manage it. We hope you have found this article helpful in providing some strategies for handling stress more effectively. Whether it be through mindfulness, physical activity, or simply setting time aside each day to relax, there are many ways we can practice self-care in order to handle our stress better. Try out different techniques and see what works best for you! + +[https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/](https://reversetohealthylife.com/how-to-handle-stress-its-effects-on-the-body/)",Stress +49243,"I created CocoonWeaver to help. It’s a free, privacy focused app that sorts audio recordings, transcribed, into categories. There are numerous benefits to self talk, in particular it can decompress mental states and reduce stress. I hope you enjoy! Sometimes, it’s overwhelming to think about all the stressful things. When you let go of them, you can take solace in the fact they remain in a safe space, but no longer occupying headspace. I developed CocoonWeaver because of a dream I had. My dream was about an app that would be intuitive enough to release the many fleeting thoughts that occupy ones mind. Since then, it has been developed in to a working product, and improved with the help of kind feedback from various neurodivergent communities. I would love to take feedback from this community as well, if you have a moment to download the app and share your feedback I would be extremely grateful. + +The app is completely free and it is completely private, nothing leaves your device and everything is stored on your phone. + +Thank you so much for your time! <3 + +Here are all the relevant links, to the app and website, android release date etc.: [www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver](http://www.linktree.com/cocoonweaver) +[https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/](https://www.instagram.com/cocoonweaver/)",Stress +49244,I'm burnt out. What is the most effective way to get unburnt? Looking for the best ways to relieve stress before starting a new job. I don't believe in mediation or yoga so those are out of the question.,Stress +49245,"I’m In Pain I will admit that I’m a bit of a hypochondriac and have a lot of anxiety surrounding my health, but I’m experiencing something I’ve never gone through before. Since Sunday evening, my whole body has been in extreme pain and I just have that feeling I get when I’m sick with something like a cold or the flu. But those are my only symptoms. I’ve had 2 negative Covid tests and just got a negative flu test from the doctor where they also did some lab work and gave me a prescription for my pain. + +The only other explanation I can think of for the cause of this is that I got extremely depressed and stressed out last week. I’m not new to stress or depression though, and I’ve never had this type of reaction before. + +Just wondered if anyone had any ideas or has experienced anything like this. I’m worried this is all in my head even though my pain feels very real and severe, and it doesn’t seem to be letting up at all.",Stress +49246,"Does anyone feel the same? I was wondering if someone recognizes the feelings I have sometimes because I feel like I am weird and alone. I've read about anxiety and think that's what I have... But there's so much info online that I do not know for sure. + +I get minor panic attacks on random moments and I can not seem to find any reason why. +The most recent example is when I was asked to go on a team meeting outside of working hours. I felt almost frightened and felt like I wanted to cry and life is too overwhelming for me. Another example is a party I recently went to, I was scared to go for about two weeks (even though my gf and a friend were with me). There was literally nothing bad about it, but I was stressed up until the moment I got there. + +When I try to think of a reason why I'm feeling like that, I do not have a single clue. My life is good and I have everything I need/want but I keep looking for small things that make me feel unhappy and anxious. I can stay awake and panic/overthink over all kinds of small things like this. I just want to feel happy and stop overthinking constantly but I do not know how to do that. Sometimes I think it will get better when I'll get older (25y right now). But the negative feelings are taking over more frequently and I am ready to start working on it so I can actually enjoy life. Any advice?",Stress +49247,"I’m starting to get frustrated with my limits I started getting stress symptoms back in April last year. It escalated in October, in November I went on sick leave from work until start February. I started work part time, and I really want to just be okay again. I was at work yesterday and today I’m a bundle of anxiety. Restlessness, can’t calm down, easily irritated, increase in chronic diseases, and exhausted. I’m so mad about it too, because it was a really good day at work yesterday too, I just overdid it. And i feel like it was so little that I did. It makes me feel like such a burden. I wanted to increase my hours, but I know I will struggle. + +I just needed to went.",Stress +49248,29 and just started stress smoking Feels weird. I just crossed a line,Stress +49249,"Stress at work making me physically ill I work at an engineering firm that surveys underground utilities and drain systems. I started work last July and it has been a never ending stream of all consuming stress and anxiety for me. It feels like I can’t escape from work and it never ends, and it feels like no matter how hard I try my work always gets thrown back at me with my boss telling me it’s horribly wrong and that I had no idea what I was doing. It’s not like I don’t ask him for help either, he will review my work and offer revisions, only to go back and find new instances that he didn’t mention before. +If all I had to do was draft I’d be okay with that. But because the company is so small everyone does every project on their own start to finish, from proposal to cost estimate to survey to drafting to finish. All I know how to do is draft, and because everyone has been so busy I haven’t been able to learn the other skills. +I’ve also been given another near impossible task that I have been trying to teach myself how to do, but I also haven’t even had time in my work day to do that. +Even my coworkers are all older than me by a significant margin, and have been in this business for quite some time. They live to work, and I don’t have anything in common in which forms camaraderie. +Literally the only thing keeping me here is the pay. Which is very good, but I cant live like this. I feel exhausted and broken when I get home. I feel like I can’t do anything after. I sit at my desk literally watching my hair fall out and feeling like I am sick from dealing with this. Is this just what adult life and and adult job is? I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this, I can’t believe I’m going to Reddit to vent, and I need help. + +TLDR: almost every facet of my engineering job is stressing me out and I don’t know what to do.",Stress +49250,How's your stress resilience on a day to day basis? [https://resilience.skara.ai](https://resilience.skara.ai),Stress +49251,"Sensory Design Concept Survey Hello! I'm a design student who's looking into solutions for stress and sensory regulation for neurodivergent individuals. Specifically looking for feedback from people who struggle with sensory input themselves or who know a lot about the subject. Please take 5 minutes of your time to fill out this survey and give me some feedback on my concepts! :) Thank you so much for your time! + +[https://forms.gle/dk8Coie4yUzMeWwc8](https://forms.gle/dk8Coie4yUzMeWwc8)",Stress +49252,"Stress relief Recently ive been aware of my stressed and im really tense all the day long. From the time I wake up I feel a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders an that feeling rarely goes away, sometimes I have can't sleep because of that. I also exercise 5 days a week and I used to run but I've stopped so im sticking to weight lifting and easy cardio like walking or biking in zone 2, working out used to make me feel happy but recently it has felt like a chore. im also a full time student, university is really time consuming and a barely have time to do my hobbies, running used to be my stress reliever but is not helping anymore because I have to go for my run at 5am and I go to bed at like 11 if im lucky so I feel like I barely get any rest, so if you have any tips to manage stress please let me know.",Stress +49253,"How do I stop streessing about stupid things? SO for exmple: I have to write a story about me meeting a certian character from a book which I hate. + +I also have to write it thsi long and write what I will do on a different paper and than send photos to my teacher. I mean sounds like a monotone ask, but not to bad right? + +HELL NAH. FOr some reason the stress got so bad I tried asphyxiating myself. I failed so I went to sleep and the stress manifested in my dreams. I also have panic atacks for a reason of a minor inconvinience happening when I am stressed. I am often stressed and not to carefull with my soroudings sothis often happens. I once actually grabbed my head so hard that I stabbed my self with my nails. + +**What to do?**",Stress +49254,"Stress and dizziness Had anybody else experienced dizziness or being light-headed when you're stressed or anxious? + +Occasionally over the past few weeks I've experienced it, currently going through a house move and dealing with my new promotion as a manager at work so I do feel as though I've had prolonged stress at the moment. + +Thanks.",Stress +49255,"I feel bad I’ve have my puppy for over a week. He’s adorable and such a sweetheart but I feel bad because I can’t take care of him. My mental health is over the roof and he’s pushing every bit of it when I put him before me because that’s what I end up doing. I put him first making sure he grows up to be a good obedient boy but I forget about me. I feel so bad. I love him so much and I don’t wanna give him away but I know I have to. I haven’t been going to the gym anymore, I’m working more hours, and I still have school to focus on. I hate how hard it has to be.",Stress +49256,just want to stop stressing about money. I’m so tired of this. Being financially unstable is not the way to live,Stress +49257,can someone else’s stress age you? 22f and 26m i’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years and it was all good then a couple years ago he found out he had court because he did something really illegal not gonna say what. but the court process has been going on 2 years cuz they’ve been pushing it off and he’s been so stressed the past 2 years like really bad it affects our relationship to the point where i’m stressed all the time too we had a kid together right when he found out he had court too. but i noticed ever since he found out i literally look like shit and getting wrinkles and all that and i’m healthy otherwise i read that stress is a big aging factor so do you think it’s true someone else’s stress can age you ?,Stress +49258,"Feeling paralyzed Sometimes I feel so stressed that my body feels paralyzed. I can’t move, think, talk, feel, etc +Is it normal ? +And how can I deal with it?",Stress +49259,"Stress caused health issues. So all this started for me back at the end of January. I went to my dermatologist and had a biopsy done. I freak out for a about a week and test results came back clean. The. I went two weeks later because a scab grew on my chest. I got that check out and came back clean. During this time I was freaking out.. stress, worrying, and couldn’t sleep. All this lead to other health issues. I started to have pain in my lower back which shot through my entire body. It was until recently I started to get a burning sensation in my stomach. I went to my dr and he said it was due to stress. I got put on medication to take care of it hoping it works… has anyone else gone through this before? All this happen under one month.",Stress +49260,"Help me... So, It's my 2nd year in med college, 3 months passed and things get tougher and tougher for me. +Exams approaching faster than train and I have a job (Temporary) to get money and I am late at paying my loans for college... WHY IS LIFE SO FCKING TOUGH???",Stress +49261,Books/podcasts/audiobooks for chronic stress healing Can anyone suggest the best books on healing from this? I know it is better to prevent becoming burntout but here I am. I am absolutely destroyed physically and mentally.,Stress +49262,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety &#x200B; + +**Do you worry a lot?** + +You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, + +Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be + +randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based + +Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in + +this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month + +follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education + +classes. + +Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are + +interested in this study, please contact: + +AnxietyStudy@nyulangone.org or 1-888-44-WORRY",Stress +49263,"Sleepless nights I lost my job at the end of January and finally was able to start working a few days ago. Through the stress of not having a job, I felt as though I was in the clear and able to focus again. Until I realized that I will not be getting paid until the 17th. I reached out to my leasing office about paying rent late and was hit with a response of “we are now doing evictions, so paying so late might not be feasible.” I’ve had a really tough time these last three years, leaving an abusive marriage, losing my mom unexpectedly, now once again feeling like I have to start my life over. I do not feel like I have anywhere I can turn to. I’m feel like every-time life starts to get on track it gets derailed in some way or another.",Stress +49264,"What should I do?? I’m pretty sure I’m burnt out and I have been for over a month now. It’s gotten so bad to the point I CAN’T work even when I try to force myself to. I thought it’d get better with a break and that I’d get over it just like I always did, but I haven’t and it’s been over a month now. + +Whenever I try to work, I just can’t seem to focus. I can’t no matter how much I force myself to. As soon as I force it, the stress rises and a low mood is bound to kick in even if I was all cheery and positive a minute ago. I thought taking a week long break would do it since it used to, but the break didn’t help much if at all. I have no idea what to do since nothing seems to be working on. + +Has anyone experienced this? Does anyone know what I can do? +Any help at all would be sincerely appreciated.",Stress +49265,"This is probably strange but… When ever I’m stressed for some reason I picture a giant coin forever flipping towards me. It doesn’t move, but sits in darkness just flipping. Especially when I’m trying to sleep, I feel like my vision is actually obscured by this coin, and I dream about it to. And it’s a slow dream, not like a quick regular dream. Just wanted to write this down, and ask if anyone else has something your mind goes to when your stressed like the coin?",Stress +49266,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! + +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (\~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: + +[https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a](https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a) + +Or call or email us today for more information! + +Phone: (850)-629-8525 + +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com; Subject Line: Changing Behaviors Study",Stress +49267,"i cant keep up with anything and it’s taking both a physical and mental toll on me. everything just a jumbled mess right now and i can’t handle it. my cousin passing, school, being bullied for both my autism and abilities, my job, my diabetes, my parents, my friends, every single thing in my life is ruining me and i don’t know how to deal with it. + +ive tried everything. i don’t know anymore. im only 15, and i don’t have hope for anything. its just all too much.",Stress +49268,"Healthy ways to deal with constant stress? I mean constant. Never ending always there stress. Even when I’m relaxing, I’m stressed about the next day or something unrelated. I don’t know how to stop. + +I just started a job, I’m 18 so I thought it was time to work. I’m in a bit of a bad depression patch right now where I don’t wanna do anything even things I enjoy. My mom wanted me to do the job. We are about to spend 400+ dollars on things I need for the job so no going back now, I feel trapped. + +And the thing is, I like the job. I’m learning to be a dog groomer, but I’m so scared I won’t be able to have down time to unwind. School is already extremely overwhelming and hard to get through. How can I cope with this? I need help",Stress +49269,"Kind of a weird question about stress So, there’s this thing I’ve been dealing with for a while. When my body is under physical stress, or I’m under mental stress, I sometimes get the urge to hiccup. Not a series of hiccups, just one annoying outburst. And I guess I don’t really know if I’d call it a hiccup even. My parents have taken to calling it a “narg” because that’s basically the sound I make during a particularly strong one. Has anyone else ever experienced this before? And is it even really an involuntary stress reaction? It’s been happening for years. I even had an ultrasound on my gallbladder, since my doctors didn’t know what could be causing it. No issues there either. I’d love to hear if anyone has any similar situations.",Stress +49270,"Prolonged Stress due to previous period of stress I’m in my final year of Engineering school and previous semester was pretty stressful for a solid month, I had to change up my routine. I managed to get everything done, but I never celebrated. Straight after that I moved to a new place, and felt more stressed, as it didn’t meet my expectations. Then I got pretty sick. And now 2 months after it feels like the stress has built up, and is there just for the sake of it. I feel stuck in the stress trap. Anything I do in life stresses me, and it can’t stay like that for long. I need to escape, I need some peace. + +Share with me your thoughts. I’m open to listen.",Stress +49271,mid 40s anxiety at work I dread going to work every day. Its relentless tech support work. What options do I have to get out of this. Can't do this any more. I might get a stroke or something,Stress +49272,"Overwhelmed, tired, scared I’m typing this after realizing the amount of mistakes I made these past few weeks at work. It’s been so hard to focus and I’m finding that I can’t understand basic (so they seem) task requirements. +Desk job, working with numbers and reports, Maths have never been my forte, I’m surprised even to this very day how I’ve been hired and still work here after many years. I feel like I’m always behind everyone else and I can’t use logic when looking at numbers. +Well this time the mistake I made was because I/we haven’t checked some figures, I didn’t get help (my manager is on holidays, other members of the team are busy with their stuff), I didn’t connect the dots. +I just can’t do it anymore. I live under constant pressure due to work, so many sleepless nights, thoughts racing in my head, stupid scenarios I build, poor nutrition and so many times of crying uncontrollably. +I don’t want to blame external factors but there has been constant miscommunication which also led to where we’re at. +My therapist can only help so much, I always feel great after each session and it looks like have the right tools and mindset to get better, but inherently I’m always on the edge, stressed and scared of consequences. +I felt like venting and writing down my pain, typing this in tears, feeling so useless and stupid, but it felt good sharing this here.",Stress +49273,"Adult onset vocal tics? Is this a thing? A couple of times in my adult life when I’ve been under significant stress, I’ve developed both physical tics (chin quivering, tapping my first two fingers against my thumb repeatedly), as well as vocal tics (making like a tiny whmp noise every couple seconds for a while). + +I don’t even know why I’m asking. I’m under terrible stress and doing this. That’s all.",Stress +49274,I am sick ALL the time Since the beginning of December I‘ve been sick 5 times and everytime for at least 5-6 days. Does anyone have the same problem and how likely is it that stress is the cause?,Stress +49275,"I'm BURNED OUT... What should I do? So, let me start by saying I'm 28 M, and I've been burned out for the last few years and just ""managing to get by."" I work a full-time 9-5 position (got promoted end of last year), I'm studying part-time in college (straight As till this recent semester, 3 courses every semester), I'ma caretaker and I take care of storeruns/bills/necessities for my home, and I have a significant other that I'm going steady with. + +So, my job has gotten to become majorly overwhelming, but the salary's great for someone with no degree, and I'm very used to working with this employer and the work that we do—however between an occasionally toxic environment and daily demands that I'm struggling to focus on (due to my burnout), I fear for my job safety and am becoming miserable. This semester, I find myself having no energy to take on my schoolwork after the workday. I had no option for in-person classes, and all of them are reading and/or writing intensive, none of which makes it any better. As a result of these two alone, I've found myself too tired and stressed to desire nutritious foods, and have adopted poor eating habits... Finally, I'm proud to take care of business for my home, and to have a loving and supportive partner... however, I'm really beginning to tire of the workload, and the result it's taking on my mental health. I do not want to fail, nor be fired, nor disappoint my loves ones... + +I know ""I'm worth it,"" and must take time for myself, but how? What does that truly mean? My breaks lately are watching a show while eating for a bit, or going to the market to shop for groceries... I haven't truly had a day off, and it's difficult to be ahead when you're working overtime at your 9-5 to catch-up to the constant demands. To my partner, I don't wanna litter our relationship with complaints or my personal woes. I wanna be a hero, an example, and stable... What do I need to do to recharge and get back on track? + +(Thanks in advance! Don't get it twisted. I'm venting, but beneath all of this is ambition and drive. Hence why it angers me that I'm feeling the ""fuck it"" mentality damn near...)",Stress +49276,"Maintaining Hygiene I'm sure I'm not alone in finding that poor mental health makes it difficult to keep on top of hygiene related tasks sometimes. I personally really struggle to motivate myself to brush my teeth even though I know I should. + +I think the thing that stops me is worrying about being left alone with my thoughts while I do that- I can't distract myself easily by doing things on my phone because one hand is occupied, and using my phone one handed is harder. + +Is there anything that others do while brushing their teeth (or other tasks) that helps then overcome this barrier? I've tried watching YouTube videos, but the effort of finding one I'm interested in seems to be creating enough of a mental barrier that I'm still finding myself procrastinating.",Stress +49277,"just realised my sickness is stress related I can barely move from the nausea, my whole body is heavy and my head feels musty, it feels like the flu I can barely stand up for 10 minutes without feeling violently ill. The thing is, I need to pack to move out today and I've got about half of it to go. I just want to sleep and run away from it all but I can't. I'm exhausted, I've had to clean out all my moms stuff and decide on a place within a month (she died recently and I'm 18). The pressure from everyone to sell the house fast is killing me. + +It's not logical, or not practical. Well it's not what everyone else expects of me anyway. So I need some help in managing this sickness so I can get stuff done.",Stress +49278,"Stress leave Anyone ever successfully take FMLA for stress leave? What was the process like? Did you return to your previous employer and if so, were you treated with respect after leave?",Stress +49279,"Anger boiling over Hi everyone! I’m struggling a lot lately and I’m hoping some of y’all have tips for me. + +Life has been hard lately and my stress is manifesting as anger. I keep telling people I’m entering my villain era because this is so abnormal for me. I am so frustrated at work because everything is falling on my shoulders while my boss stays lazy. I have low tolerance for stupid behavior and am calling people on their sh*t. My VP laughed at me when I tried to bring up an issue recently and I rage cry when I think about it. I’m finding myself being short with my friends and acting entirely self centered. + +This isn’t normal for me. I normally tolerate so much. I am compassionate and so empathetic and normally look to help everybody, and I’m just burnt out. I know it’s stress/anxiety. + +For a little context that I know is playing into it all: I just weaned off depression and anxiety meds around Christmas. My grandma died in January. My dad has cancer and is very sick right now. I just learned someone I work closely with was a suspect in a murder that remains a cold case…. + +I feel like I’m falling apart and I need advice of how to bring myself back. What do I do? How do I stop feeling so mad? Thank you ❤️",Stress +49280,"How long does this take? Hey everyone, i am currently a doctorate student and have been really struggling with mental stress and feelings of not being good enough( with regards to my career). My stress causes impact on my digestion which in turn causes more stress to me. I have been managing my gut health but it relapses every now and then. + +My stress levels mostly come when i have been unable to do an important task in my research or if it takes some considerable time to do them. Additionally, feeling of not being smart enough for my career keeps trickling down at the back of my head (Which i think is the major reason of my stress). + +I do breathing exercises and they have been great in the short term or for that instance but stress keeps coming back. I have been pretty consistent with mindfulness and other things but it always end up coming back. + +Does any one know how long would it take to see some permanent results? (Sometimes, i feel it will be when i get done with my doctorate degree!)",Stress +49281,"Lower back, butt and leg pain due to stress? Has anyone else felt constant back & leg pain (or even general muscle pain on any part of the body due to stress? + +I have never had back problems, ever. Knock on wood, I’ve had no accidents, no sciatic issues, no joint issues, pinched nerve issues or broken bones etc. + +That being said, I’ve been undergoing a lot of stress lately. The pain has been building up for a few days but tonight, I’m experiencing increased pain! Feels like the origin is the right side of my lower back and the pain radiates down through my butt cheek into my calf (pain is not travelling to foot). It‘s not a sharp pain. It’s more of a gnawing, dull but steady pain. Feels as if I’ve been punched HARD several times in the said area and I only get a bit of relief if I curl up in my side in the fetal position. + +I found literature online saying that stress can cause these symptoms but I just find it so bizarre. Am I really that fragile thay stress could cause so much havoc? I’m in my 30s. No major health issues. I did have mild covid 1.5 weeks ago though. The only other thing I can think of is the fact that I’ve been sitting a lot due to studying for exams nonstop. Weird because I’ve spent more time sitting and studying in the past, but had no back issues at that time. + +I will be seeing my doc next Monday so I will update the chat but wow this pain is gnarly.",Stress +49282,"Short questionnaire about stress Hi guys! + +So, we've created a questionnaire about stress: [https://forms.gle/1PEqTfbveP1NrWgb9](https://forms.gle/1PEqTfbveP1NrWgb9) and we'd love for you to fill it out. Your responses will be super helpful for our research :) + +&#x200B; + +Thank you for your time! You'll find all the information needed in the description!",Stress +49283,"Sense of fear Have you ever felt a sense of fear that seemed to take over your body and mind, leaving you feeling helpless? Fear can be a paralyzing emotion, preventing us from moving forward in life. But what if there was something you could do about it? What if there were ways to get rid of the sense of fear? + +In this article, we will explore practical tips and techniques for overcoming feelings of fear. Whether your fear is rooted in an event or situation from the past or stems from current worries and anxieties, these strategies may help you ease your fears so that they don’t control your life. + +We’ll discuss how to identify triggers, use self-talk to reframe thoughts, practice relaxation methods such as meditation and deep breathing exercises, reach out for support when needed, and more. So let’s dive into learning how to manage fear and gain peace of mind: + +[https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/](https://beautyaal.com/get-rid-of-fear/)",Stress +49284,"New nervous/stress habits. New poster here. I am a 54f professional w a history of depression. I notice I’ve developed new habits of rocking (rare) and chin quivering (frequent!, seems intentional, can stop, but the inclination is def increasing). Full transparency: I’ve started drinking a bit more, but no more than I’ve overindulged in the past due to stress. I am under incredible amounts of increasing, unrelenting, and incomprehensible stress these days due to my employer suddenly changing all policies. I never rocked/quivered before these changes. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced rocking and chin quivering in response to stress. And the influence of alcohol if relevant. Thanks.",Stress +49285,"Do I have a problem with my brain? Well I've had problems with things for a couple of years but it's never been so bad that I can't concentrate and only talk to other people at school. + for example I was listening to the teacher the whole time and then she asks me something and I don't know what she said. + and also problems like I want to read something and I can read but I can't understand what I'm reading until I can picture it in my head and that's not easy either and if I can't picture it then I can too do not understand. + and in German I've never had any problems with grammar and such and commas and everything just happened by itself and I always wrote a 1 in dictations and now all of a sudden I've made all these grammatical errors that I've made before and still messed them up. + and I've never had problems remembering things, but now on a ö I can't remember anything anymore. I forget everything I'm told and I always have to imagine it before I'm told things. + and that has nothing to do with the brain, but lately I've been getting sick every week and my immune system is also deteriorating very badly, although I've always gone 4 years without getting sick (that has nothing to do with the topic but it has to be say once) + can anyone give me any advice on what to do now?",Stress +49286,"Cbc results scared af Freaking tf out about my cbc test + +Hello everyone! I just need advice and yes I know this isn’t a doctors office etc… if anyone ever had abnormal blood work please share. I recently had to get blood work because my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine . When I did the results came back high for EOSINOPHIL. He told me to go back 2 weeks later which was Monday.. well now my white blood cells are low and I’m freaking the hell out . I keep reading shit on google and it’s nothing positive. My EOSINOPHIL is still high . I did have covid a month ago idk if that could do anything or not ? The only thing that changed in the last 2 weeks is I was put on blood pressure medicine for my blood pressure being so high . Please someone tell me I’m just crazy and my anxiety is getting the best of me . It’s so bad I can barely eat or think straight . Here are the results +- [ ] WBC +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 3.3 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 4.5 to 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 4.5 - 11.0 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 36 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 50 to 70 % +- [ ] 50 - 70 % +- [ ] EOSINOPHIL % +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 13 % +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 0 to 4 % +- [ ] 0 - 4 % +- [ ] NEUTROPHIL # +- [ ] Your Value +- [ ] 1.20 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] Standard Range +- [ ] 1.70 to 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL +- [ ] 1.70 - 7.00 x10ˆ3/uL",Stress +49287,"Dealing with the Critics in Your Life Whatever you’re trying to achieve - save the world, write a novel, devote yourself to a particular cause – there are likely to be those who will be critical. Some people just have a critical disposition while others will take issue with the specifics of your particular endeavour. Criticism is unavoidable. Your choice is in how to respond to it. + +### Consider these strategies for managing the critics in your life: + +**Clarify your purpose.** As humans, we are compelled to make meaning. Making meaning for ourselves – and value for others – is fundamental to a life well lived. When you’re doing something very important to you, you care far less about the criticisms of others. If they can easily throw you off your path, you might want to reflect on how important it really is to you. Are you living your purpose consistent with you values? + +**Understand the critic’s motivation.** Are they projecting themselves in to the situation – their aspirations, their skill set, their propensity for risk, their values? Are they genuinely trying to protect you from any potential down-sides? Are they trying to maintain the status quo – for you, them or both? Are they masking their own lack of action? + +**Recognise that criticism is not balanced appraisal.** We have evolved to notice negative issues more readily than positive ones. We are more likely to notice criticism than encouragement: people working against us over people supporting us. Most people are actually indifferent to you and your life so get on and live it. + +**Realize that you’re going to be criticized no matter what you do.** Whether you become a billionaire, movie star, teacher, doctor, or sit on the couch all day, there is someone that will tell you that you’re doing the wrong thing. So, live your life building towards what you do want rather than what the critics don’t want. + +**Respond calmly.** Rather than giving your critics the pleasure of an emotional response, respond kindly with a considered response. Acknowledge any leaps of faith you are making. + +**Use your critics as motivation.** While some people are intimidated and deflated by the critics of the world, others are able to use the negative comments as a source of motivation. Remind yourself that while the critics are standing on the sidelines, you are on the pitch and playing the game. + +**Decide if they have something useful to say.** Some criticism may carry valid points – explore these with your critic and ask what their solution would be – the response differentiates between useful and harmful dialogue. If the criticism isn’t useful, move on. You have more important things to do. + +**Take criticism as a compliment.** Most people will leave you alone if you’re struggling or aren’t doing anything noteworthy. You only become a significant target of negative comments if you’re doing well. If you’re taking a lot of heat, you must be doing something correct! + +**Live your life without the need for the approval of others.** Live your own life, by your own values. Use your signature strengths to create meaning for you, value for others and legacy for the future in your chosen pursuit. + +I hope you took something useful from this piece; I have posted a further series of quick reads on my own little corner of Reddit – would be great to see you there.",Stress +49288,"I hope this makes you feel better Society expects us to have kids, house, nice car and a “successful” career to be “happy”. + +We’re brainwashed into following this “dream” right from school and put ourselves through great deal of stress pain and suffering. + +Unless you’re born into wealth you have to give your life away and work for someone else’s dream with the tales that one day you will have the same amount of wealth and along the way you’re reminded how far away you are and compare yourself to others that have just that bit more than you. + +You sacrifice your life, freedom, health, relationship all for some pocket change and a supposed wealth while others are milking from your sacrifice this making you feel like a failure, feeling like that dream is further and further away. + +It’s a mindset you need to teach yourself, a mindset where your head is clear and at every obstacle you need to tell yourself no matter what it is that you’ll be fine because LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT and then when your health suffers all of these aspirations and dreams do not matter. + +I’ve been incidentally diagnosed with cancer - was very lucky as they’ve cut it out fairly quickly, only 3 nights in hospital, painless procedure. I’ve won a lucky dip with life because it was nothing, but seeing people who care about me being so upset was a horrible experience. + +I wanted them to be happy and stop worrying because I’ve never thought much of myself then why would they? Because I am nothing, I am not worth anything, low self esteem, never had any aspirations, goals, only liked cars, wasn’t very social, couldn’t really talk to people and sat in my own head alot. + +Showing how much those close to me cared for me made me change. When I lay in hospital my head was clear, didn’t worry about work, buying a house, savings or career. Only my family mattered and that’s how I’ve learned this mindset and began adapting my life around it, got rid of as much finance as I could, paid off my phone, sold the BMW bought a cheap Fiat for cash. Financial freedom helped with not worrying about money. Began saving money for a deposit for my new house in the future. + +I keep reminding myself to enjoy the little things in life, going for a walk, going to a gym or even buying something fancy to eat here and there on my weekly shop, going restaurant and getting a carbonara or a new phone case. I’ve started eating healthy and looking after my health. I feel happy, proud of myself and I live week by week. + +Of course I am aware I am very lucky and not everyone has the same opportunities in life and do not wish to upset anyone by this post. I hope this helps someone to find their path in life.",Stress +49289,"Investigating whether sexual fantasies are associated with personality, desire, and beliefs about one's own thoughts. \*\*Content Warning\*\* - Sensitive/Sexual topics. As part of my Psychology degree at the University of Lincoln, I am carrying out research for my final dissertation project. If you are aged 18 years old or older and can read/write in English, I would appreciate it if you could take the time to complete my study, which will take about 20 minutes. This study is examining the influence of beliefs, personality traits, and desire on sexual fantasising. Gender will also be investigated as an influence. You should only take part if you feel comfortable with these topics, specifically sexual fantasy content. The brief in the study link will provide more information and details of what the study will involve (ethics approval code: 2022\_10295). Please note, if you are negatively affected by the questions/topics, you are free to withdraw from the study while participating by closing the browser. Please feel free to share this, along with the study link, to friends or group chats who you think may be interested in taking part. Your help would be very valuable. Thank you! + +[**https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo**](https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eXwS4nz1Z4SB3jo)",Stress +49290,"Looking for participants to use a mobile app designed for students Hi dear students in this group, + +I have designed a mobile app based on research that can help you focus on priorities instead of ""short-term"" distractions in a motivational way! + +Try it for free; you will never regret it! + +I need your help to use it and evaluate it in 4 weeks. Your participation is highly appreciated. + +https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795 + +For more info, read the following Recruitment notice + +Study Title: Evaluation of a Persuasive Mobile Application for Prompting Time Management Behaviour  If you are a student (part-time or full-time) enrolled in a degree program in a higher education institution, 18 years or older, and able to access a smartphone device, you are invited to evaluate the effectiveness of a persuasive app. The app aims to persuade students to be more organized towards their tasks and study spaces.   + +First, you will be asked to give consent to do the study and respond to pre-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which consist of demographics questions, questions of your preference for organization toward your tasks and study space, level of perceived ability to control your time, and stress level. After answering the pre-survey questions and providing your email address, you will see a link to the app. By clicking the link, you will be able to download the app on your device.   + +Second, you will use the app daily by adding your daily tasks and organizing them based on their importance/urgency, marking them as complete, and engaging in social community features over four weeks. The app will send you notifications to emphasize the benefits of adhering to organizational acts and encourage you to minimize physical clutter in order to create a better-organized study space.   + +At the end of the study, you will be asked to respond to the post-survey questions (take 20-25 mins), which is the same pre-survey question, including your experiences and perceived persuasiveness towards the app. The interview will be optional. There will be a question that asks you if you want to be interviewed, and by choosing “yes,” the researcher will communicate with you for an online interview which takes 15 mins. The interview will be audio recorded.   + +Your participation is highly appreciated and is completely voluntary. All data will be treated confidential and for research purposes only. You will not be asked for any personal information other than your email to connect the pre survey, post survey, and the app usage.   + +Compensation:   Participants will be entered into a prize draw to win an Amazon C$25.00 gift card (8 winners). + +If you face any difficulties downloading the app, please contact Mona Alhasani (Mona.alhasani@dal.ca). If you know people that may be interested in taking part in the study, please, send the link to them.   + +This research study is being conducted by researchers at Dalhousie University,   Ms. Mona Alhasani – Lead researcher Dr. Rita Orji – Supervisor + +To participate in the study, please click on the link: https://surveys.dal.ca/opinio/s?s=71795",Stress +49291,Hands Turning Cold When I get very stressed/nervous my hands go ice cold. How do you make this better?,Stress +49292,"I can't see the light anymore. Hey Reddit, + +This is my first post so bare with me - but I'm lost and I can no longer see the light in life. I've been working a crap job for the past two and a half years where I've been overworked. On top of that, my team is beyond toxic and our VP has caused so many issues to the point half of the team left, and the ones who remain are hanging on a thread to the point some are going on stress leave. + +I feel stuck. I'm dealing with issues personally, at home, and at work. + +I keep applying to jobs but nothing comes out of it. I've done so many interviews and made it through to the final round only to be told I was a strong candidate but they went ahead with someone else. + +I feel lost and hopeless. I battled so much in my life and got through severe depression in my teens to early twenties and what kept pushing me then was the fact that I thought I'd create something out of myself. I thought my future would be better. But it's not. + +The days are getting harder and I'm not sure what to do or where to go or who to turn to. I feel heavy all the time. I'm a 28 year old loser who has a stagnant career and a toxic job, no relationships, nothing. I'm losing hope",Stress +49293,"Stress Management Stress is an inevitable part of life. It can be caused by a variety of factors, such as work pressures, finances, relationships, and more. But learning how to manage stress effectively is essential for our well-being. In this article, we’ll explore the key elements of effective stress management so that you can start living a healthy and balanced life. + +[https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/](https://beautyaal.com/stress-management/)",Stress +49294,"I ask you from the bottom of my heart to help me....... **P.s The whole essence of the problem is in the second paragraph, the first paragraph is about me** + + +I am 18 years old, I have a weak nervous system from birth, but a strong character, and because of three years of serious problems in life, the death of several close people, my nervous system has failed and I probably have chronic anxiety.**From below I will describe everything that I have tried, if you have something to say, I beg on my knees, help me** + + +I tried meditation for 40 minutes a day, breathing techniques and much more of this type - but I came to the conclusion that this is not a solution to the problem, but a group control of my mind +I have tried a very large number of different herbs, ashwagandha, sacred basil.Also, different supplements - taking longer than 1 month and zero results, at most it became a little easier, but it is almost imperceptible.Personally, I think that these herbs, supplements are mostly utter nonsense, which has a lot of side effects, stupid studies that were not conducted in real life or just made to promote the product +I tried using reishi mushroom, cbd oil from a proven brand, tried vaping and other ways of using and everything is even + + +Please do not recommend medications or any herbs of the ""kava"" type, which has a hundred side effects, it is better to die than to eat this shit.If you really know a ""magic supplement, herb or something else"" about which few people know and it HELPED YOU OR YOUR FRIEND, ACQUAINTANCE - tell it to me please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please + +**Do not think that I am the type of people who have tried 1 product and immediately gave up, I am a person who ALWAYS GOES TO the END and will never accept defeat.I really spent a hundred hours analyzing this topic for the most part, and 99% of all the information is just a stinky slag bitch and it's impossible to fucking find adequate information.I searched in YouTube in different languages, also in Google itself for different queries in different languages, on Twitter and Facebook and found nothing working.If you have read this mini-post, thank you so much for at least thinking about the possible help to a stranger.All the best to you!!!!!!!**",Stress +49295,"Anxiety? Stress? Guilt? Scarred? I’ll try to cut my story short in hope of someone out there being able to help me and guide me as I feel like I can no longer continue living with this feeling. + +A general idea about myself is that I am a 22 yrs old medical student. I usually stress and worry a lot about medical school and my examinations, regardless of the fact that I score the highest amongst my batch. + +My story starts the summer of 2021 where I met a girl that goes to the same medical school as I do. Half way through the relationship problems start to arise between the two of us and I didn’t think anything of them as all relationships have their ups and downs. At this time, my partner began to say bad and mean things to me when we fought which initially didn’t affect me as I knew it was because of her being angry (she also reassured me after the fight resolves that she didn’t mean it). This started to escalate in which the problems became more frequent and almost every time I’ve had hurtful things being said to me. This progressively increased till the summer of 2022 (~11 months past for our relationship) which was the same summer in which I would take my Step 1 exam (a really important, exhausting and dreadful exam). At this point I used to always worry about our future and if were are even compatible, I used to have a weird heart clenching feeling that is filled with worry and anxiety, I also used to wake up from sleep several times with my heart racing or wake up before my alarm with the thought of our relationship overwhelming. We had a fight around 3 weeks before my exam which was my last straw and I communicated to my partner at that time that I want to end things as I felt I should communicate to her my true feelings that I no longer feel like I can continue in this relationship or think we have a future together (the things that were said to me where the worse out of all fights). She was devastated, cried and begged for me to give her another chance as she will change herself. I was heistant but decided to give her a chance, it worked out for the first few days but then the same heart clenching weird anxious feeling returned. I tried to battle it and not disclose it to her, but eventually I couldn’t hide it anymore and told her I couldn’t accept and give her another chance (around ~4 days before my exam). The whole 4 days and holiday after the exam was devastating I was really sad and down. With time, I used to distract myself and go out with friends (I don’t drink) almost every other day which helped me try to forget the whole situation. + +Keep in mind that I’ve got several messages from my ex weeks after the breakup about how I was wrong and that she would never forgive me and other prayers. Similarly over the last couple of months (it’s been 6 months since our breakup) I’ve been getting tiktok reposts from her account of videos taking about injustice and how sad/devastated she was which always made me feel very guilty as I was the reason for her current feelings. Similarly, it made me self-conscious about my decisions and doubt my feelings as she claims I never loved her and if I did I would never leave her. + +Fast forward to the last month (5 months since breakup) where I finally approached a girl in my class that was always getting my attention and I couldn’t lay my eyes off her. In the first 3 days (through text), I was very happy and excited to get to know her. Three days later (which was also when the new school year started and the week of my important sport tournament) I started to have this same tiring, coruscating and exhaustive heart clenching feeling as if there is something I am worrying about. It started to increase progressively and I’ve always tried to forget it and keep it in the back of my head,, but it has been really taking a toll on me as I almost wake up everyday with this feeling and it stays throughout the day. Keeping in mind that throughout this period we’ve grown really close and she seems to really care about me. I have this feeling in the background around 60% of the day, 20% is me being distracted by work and friends and the remainder 20% consist of me actually overthinking and worrying. I really don’t understand why is this happening: + a. Am I feeling guilty that I am meeting a new person? + b. Am I worrying that this new relationship may end like the previous one? + c. Am I scarred and no longer can commit to a relationship? + d. Why is the same feeling (but less intensity) that I was having before I left my ex happening again???? + e. Is the person not compatible for me and I am still seeking my ex? + f. Did I still not move on from my previous relationship (prior to the new girl I was certain that I did move on and had 0 feelings, but I brought it up now because I have no idea what is the reason for this feeling) + +Any input can help me understand this feeling that is taking a huge toll on me. + + +This is a previous post of what I felt with my ex that I posted 200d ago: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/step1/comments/w5ypbm/morning_anxiety_life_and_relationships/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf",Stress +49296,"Whats my cause of stress? Thinking Bout seeing the doc just to get myself checked out. Could be old age or poor lifestyle habits but i recently had a panic(?) stress moment that lasted for at least 5minutes until a problem was solved + +Background info: only experienced 2-3 occurrences where i found my legs specifically shaking due to nervousness. These experiences are spread very very far apart. 1st time over 10yrs ago fairly minor was just nervous about a new environment & people. + +2nd time was last june 2022 was falling behind online class, thought i couldn’t get set up this program until teacher helped lol and i think this was the main cause of stress (fear of being unable to catch up? Lost?) also deep slow breathing didn’t work here. How to manage lmao + +Most recent was few days ago, no leg shaking but just like the 2nd time can’t really think straight, brain wasn’t calming down even though i was breathing normally. Again it was a school related thing, had an IT issue i couldn’t fix, couldnt login to join lecture that was ongoing at the time. Feared missing out important content until i remembered i can watch the recording later but didn’t really get rid of that unpleasant rushed feeling and anxiousness that i need to get this login resolved. Only until i got connected with the school IT helpdesk that i felt completely fine again + +I seldom get nervous in job interviews but what is this??? Not sure why my body reacting like this if it’s just fear of falling behind/missing out + +Pretty sure there’s a correlation between 2 & 3 +Any insights? :(",Stress +49297,"Here are some tips for coping with work stress &#x200B; + +1. **Take breaks:** Make sure to take regular breaks throughout the day to help you relax and recharge. +2. **Prioritize tasks:** Focus on the most important tasks and break them down into smaller, manageable tasks. +3. **Practice self-care:** Take care of your physical and mental health by getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well. +4. **Seek support:** Talk to friends, family, or colleagues about your stress or consider seeking professional help. +5. **Practice mindfulness:** Take a few moments to focus on your breathing or meditate to help reduce stress and increase focus. + +***Remember that managing work stress is a process, so be patient and kind to yourself as you find what works best for you.*** + +&#x200B; + +**Have any other in mind? Do share your views in the comment section below.**",Stress +49298,"Headed into my first two exams of the semester and I’ve been panicking for hours I went to bed early last night to try to get a good nights sleep, but didn’t sleep AT ALL. Tossed and turned and heart was racing for like 9 hours in bed. Now I’m up and just ready to get these over with and put them behind me. I hate college, it makes my anxiety SO BAD. Looking into getting accommodations but it’s too late for these two exams -_- Wish I could just calm down and be “normal” and do my best…the crippling anxiety makes me perform worse.",Stress +49299,"I systematically throw up before having a Zoom meeting with my soon-to-be PHD supervisor Before anyone asks, no, the problem is not coming from my supervisor. He’s kind, willing to help and available for me. + +If you ask me I wouldn’t even say that I feel stressed before the meetings, in the sense that I’m not overthinking, I’m not having this bowl of stress in my belly that one could have facing pressure. + +Yet I don’t know why, systematically, 10-5 minutes before the meeting, I go to the toilet and I throw up everything I have, even if I had a light breakfast before. I really don’t know what can I do to stop this because it doesn’t feel like the problem is coming from me. It feels like I have no other choice but to throw up. + +Obviously it’s linked to the fact that I’m going to apply to a PhD and the fact that he’s a very knowledgeable man in his field, and there’s probably a bit of impostor syndrome playing. But what’s worrying me is the fact that of all the 10-12 meetings we had so far, I systematically throw up. I’ve had other meetings with other supervisors when I was a research assistant for instance and it didn’t happen probably because the stakes are lower. What can I do to feel better ?",Stress +49300,"""Desk Toys for Your Stressful Day!"" + +Desk toys are the perfect way to relieve stress during a tough day at work. From fidget cubes to kinetic sand, there are endless options when it comes to desk toys that can provide a break from the monotony of office life and make it easier to stay focused. + +Not only can these toys reduce stress levels but they can also help increase productivity by giving users something else to concentrate on. + +From desktop Zen gardens and mini trampolines, to spinners and wobbles, there is no shortage of desk toys designed specifically for stress relief. + +Many of these items come in fun shapes and sizes and even feature light-up features that make them feel like miniature works of art. + +Whether you're looking for an item that's just plain fun or something with calming properties, there's sure to be an office toy out there perfect for your stressful day.",Stress +49301,Over thinking about stuff I'm still debating if I wanna try and learn to drive. I do wanna move one day and I know I can without a car but it might be easier with a car but I'd only be able to do daytime driving I'm sure. Idk if I'd be able to find a guy who likes me if I'm not driving though but I'm still independent without a car though. I'm probably thinking too much about it though. I really need to stop over thinking about shit but my mind just goes into overdrive at times,Stress +49302,"Chronic stress symptoms Over the past few years - like most ppl - I’ve had a rough time with covid lockdown, plus then I was diagnosed with hiatal hernia, then divorce, and now financial pressures of single-handedly running a household. + +I was hoping to put this all behind me but last summer new symptoms started to appear: + ++ IBS / GERD (hiatal hernia) ++ Cardiac arrythmias (thousands a day) ++ Various skin complaints ++ Alopecia Barbae (beard patches) + +I’ve now had 9 months of all these symptoms and I’ve tried individual meds like beta blockers, PPI, tweaking diet, exercise with no luck… the docs say this is all because of going through a major life disruption and it’s due to underlying stress. The cardio and gerd stuff is so bad I’ve started avoiding stuff but I have CBT planned as a last resort treatment. Concerned the stress is permanently damaging my health. + +Anyone deal with anything similar? Go through a major event and suffer chronic stress? Any of these symptoms? Did they resolve after a time? + +How do you treat underlying, chronic stress?",Stress +49303,This article has been really helpful on anxiety disorders and how to control an episode [https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/](https://afitindian.com/anxiety-disorders-causes-symptoms-and-solutions/),Stress +49304,"Does your stress cause anxiety? Does your stress cause anxiety? +Every morning my muscles are all tense and I have a tension headache - especially after a stressful previous day. + +By the evening this has almost gone, probably at 10/20% of what it was in the morning and then in the morning it just resets back! Doing my suede in! + +Any advice?",Stress +49305,"food and hair pulling How on earth do I stop utilizing food for comfort? This past year is the first time I've had a very unhealthy relationship with food (had my second child and have been nursing her. I'm a sahm with a 3 and 1 year old). All I can think about is food and eating. I'm constantly ""snacking"" and I'm always eating really bad and unhealthy options. I sometimes get healthier options but something in my brain just won't go for those in the moment and I truly feel I can't control it(I know I can and should be able to but I guess my willpower sucks). I'm so sick of starting and restarting my health journey every day because I can't keep from overeating to an insane level. It's truly becoming embarrassing and I have so much shame. + +I also have issues with hair pulling. I'll sit and pull my hair out one strand at a time anytime I'm idle. I'm well into it before I even realize how long I've done it. I've had this issue on and off since college. + +I've spoken about both of these issues with my therapist this past week and all she really told me was to find a sort of ""fidget"" to use when I'm idle to keep from the hair pulling. She gave me no advice on my food issues so I hoping to continue pushing that at the next session. Any advice or help would be so much appreciated, especially if anyone has experienced the same issues.",Stress +49306,"If you’re wondering whether adverse childhood experiences are negatively impacting you as an adult, you probably already know the answer. In my work as a hypnotherapist most of my clients are mature adults experiencing issues rooted in anger, anxiety, depression - or a mixture of these. Often, they are wondering if their present issues are linked to their childhood experiences. More often than not, the answer is yes. + +Research carried out since the end of the last century has led to a greater understanding of how adverse childhood experiences impact on long term wellbeing – both physical and psychological. The key findings are: + +· Childhood trauma is very common: even in so-called well-to-do areas. + +· There is a direct link between childhood trauma and chronic disease in adulthood. + +· The more types of trauma a child experiences, the greater the risk of them of experiencing social and emotional problems as adults. + +· Those who experience childhood trauma often experience more than one type of trauma. + +You can calculate your own ACEs score by responding to the following questions. Give yourself 1 point for each question where you experienced that category of trauma before your eighteenth birthday. + +1. Emotional abuse: Did a parent or other adult often or very often insult, demean, belittle, humiliate, verbally assault, or threaten to physically assault You? + +2. Physical abuse: Did a parent or other adult often or very often grab, slap, push, or hit You? + +3. Sexual abuse: Did a parent, adult, or someone at least five years older than you ever touch your body in a sexual way or attempt or have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with You? + +4. Emotional neglect: Did You often or very often feel that no one in your family loved you or thought you were important; or your family did not look out for each other, feel close to each other, and support each other? + +5. Physical neglect: Did You often not have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, had no one to attend to your medical and dental needs, or had no one to protect you? + +6. Loss of parent: Were your parents separated or divorced, or did you lose a parent for any reason? + +7. Domestic violence: Did You often or very often witness or hear violence between your parents or other adults where someone was being grabbed, shoved, slapped, hit, kicked, had something thrown a them, sexually attacked, or threatened with a weapon? + +8. Family member with addiction: Did You live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, who used illicit drugs, or who was addicted to any other substances? + +9. Family member with depression/mental illness: Did you live with anyone who was depressed or mentally ill, attempted or committed self-harm and/or suicide, or hospitalized for mental illness? + +10. Family member incarcerated: Did you live with anyone who went to prison? + +ACES Score (0-10) = + +As ACE scores increase, so does the risk of disease, social and emotional problems. With an ACE score of four or more, things start getting serious. While studies in different locations return slightly different results, the figures suggest around 11% of the population have experienced four or more adverse childhood experiences. + +Fortunately, brains and lives are somewhat plastic. Resilience research shows that the appropriate integration of resilience factors — such as asking for help, developing trusting relationships, forming a positive attitude, listening to feelings — can help people improve their lives. Research in to post traumatic growth has identified five broad areas of growth: + +· greater appreciation of life, + +· closer relationships with others, + +· increased personal strength, + +· new possibilities in life, and + +· spiritual “development + +Which correlate very closely with the dimensions of wellbeing psychology: + +· Positive emotions + +· Positive engagement + +· Positive relationships + +· Positive meaning + +· Positive accomplishments + +· Positive health",Stress +49307,"How do u nature? Countless studies show that spending even just a few minutes in nature helps reduce stress and speeds up recovery time. What is a way you spend time in nature? If you don’t, why not? (Mobility issues, live in a big city, time, etc)",Stress +49308,Can stress cause weight gain? I’ve noticed I tend to get blubby when I go through long periods of constant stress. There’s no change to my diet or exercise yet I look visibly fatter. Can stress be causing this?,Stress +49309,"Help with appetite under extreme acute stress I'm moving interstate in 2 weeks, have had a lot happen in my life over the past 4 months, zero support where I currently live and I'm under extreme stress that's destroyed my appetite completely. I eat maybe a few bites of food most days, rarely eating a proper meal. I'm not even doing my usual stress binge eating, nor are my chocolate cravings there. I just feel full or sick every time I try eat. I'm losing weight rapidly that I can't afford to lose (I'm very short and already had a small frame so even just 3kg is a huge loss for me, anymore and I'll look like a ghost) + +Most of my stressors will leave me when the move itself happens and I'm seeing a new therapist as well then, one better equipped to help me. + +I just need help with eating in the meantime. I can barely stomach anything, when I do try eat a meal, I'm done after a few bites. I have very little control at the moment and I want to do right to my body to reduce the impact of this stress. All I can really control are food, making sure I take my medication and get some extra sleep. I just need help or advice with the food part. Again, it's just until I move and I have a support network and control over my life again.",Stress +49310,Behaviour become more erratic? Is it normal for your behaviour to become more erratic when you're stressed? I feel like I'm acting very differently because I'm stressed and just don't give a shit anymore.,Stress +49311,Help w Project I'm Working on To Help People Alleviate Stress and Pain: Your Feelings & Viewpoint I'm working on a project and would really appreciate your input. If you can help please link to short survey. 5 or so questions here: [Survey](https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/iac7KpqbNRKw8AHExtjc),Stress +49312,"Every time things start to get better something bad happens. So basically last year humped me. So much happened that I have been left with symptoms of post traumatic stress. Anyway I left my job to start this year fresh and hopefully not get bullied like last year. I have been losing weight, eating healthier, going to the gym and have never felt better. Two weeks of finally feeling like a human again and tonight I was going to go to the cinema to realise my car has broke. I know it sounds silly but I can’t catch a break.",Stress +49313,"Psychology lab at Florida State University looking for parents and kids! Parenting is TOUGH. Kids are STRESSED. Looking for helpful tips? We are looking for children between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and their parents to participate in a study.  We will suggest some small behavioral changes that we think will help your child manage stress. You will be paid $40 for your time! +  +The study consists of either one or two (depending on group assignment) virtual study visits (~30-60 min) via a Zoom call with a member of our study team. We will suggest some small, simple changes to common behaviors for both you and your child to make over the next 4 weeks that we think will help your child manage stress. We will also ask you to fill out some online surveys. At the end of the study, you will receive a $40 Amazon gift card and we will send you a report form with your child’s mental health symptom scores! + +To find out more and to see if you are eligible, click on the following link: +https://fsu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6L4TvqQ2oWG4X8a + +Or call or email us today for more information! +Phone: (850)-629-8525 +Email: abhc.newhart@gmail.com",Stress +49314,"Subjects needed for a study on CBD and Social Anxiety Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in an in-person study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are located in NYC, a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +49315,"Subjects needed for a study on treatment of Anxiety Do you worry a lot? You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. Eligible participants with Generalized Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to an 8-week group intervention of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) or stress education classes. Participation in this study requires 10 study visits over 13-14 weeks plus one 3-month follow up assessment as well as 8 or 9 MBSR or stress education classes. Participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-50, and are interested in this study, please fill out the following form: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=8JTAHRDHYM)",Stress +49316,My online international friend wants to kill herself and I dont know what to do for her My online best friend has countlessly mentioned wanting to kill herself mainly because her mom and grandma fight constantly every day outside of her room but also some stress she has about getting a job and things like that. This has also led to her getting sick ALL the time. She says she feels like a burden to her family. I dont know what to do about it or how to help her. I can't visit her yet either. I've talked to her about it and asked her to call a hotline but she doesn't want to. I say I'm always here for her time and time again and how much I love and appreciate her and she even responds saying how much she loves and is so grateful for me coming into her life but she won't change her mind. I NEED HELP!!,Stress +49317,,Stress +49318,"my mind is too busy i feel like i have so much going on right now :/ i’m not going to get into details but a lot of pressure from family and stress school wise. i’m feeling the heat from being in grade 12 and man it’s terrible. my head feels stuffed with stressors and problems. how can i sort through them and work through each problem? (ie, bad grades, post secondary, etc)",Stress +49319,"Tension muscle pain Due to stress I am getting horrific muscle pains from tension, is there anyone out there who experiences the same thing? It’s predominantly my back, shoulders and neck 😓 + +All day today I’ve had a tension headache too with a sick and dizzy feeling 😭 + +For the last week I have been taking magnesium, vitamin D (due to slight deficiency), ashwagandha & vitamin B12.",Stress +49320,,Stress +49321,"Eye Twitching - Help needed I'm getting married in a month. I'm 37 and my parents and sister were pressing me to have a big wedding but I've never wanted a big one. More so, my fiancé doesn't want a big wedding either. We decided to have an immediate wedding ceremony then dinner right after. Since then my mom, dad and sister are giving me grief about our vision for a wedding. My sister keeps telling me that our ideas are stupid. I currently have an eye stye in my right eye and my left eye is twitching like boiling water. This morning I noticed that my left leg is also twitching. Any remedies to get rid of both would he helpful. + +I do not drink, smoke or drink caffeine.",Stress +49322,,Stress +49323,"Participants needed Hi, I’m looking for participant to take part in my final year project at university. This study aims to identify and analyse 5 predictors of test anxiety (Continues Partial Attention, Self-Esteem, Inhibition, Updating and Switching) to expand on the understanding of test anxiety and better improve the wellbeing and academic achievement of students. + +This study does not work through a phone or safari so you will need a laptop/ computer and google chrome/ Firefox for it to work. + +The study will involve 3 short questionnaires measuring Test Anxiety, Continues Partial Attention and Self-Esteem. And 3 cognitive tasks to measure Inhibition, Updating and Switching. This study is expected to take between 25 - 30 minutes to complete. + +If you are under the age of 18 or colour-blind you are unable to take part in this study. +You will need access to a computer or laptop to run this study. + +If you are interested in participation and would like more information about this study, please follow the link. + +[https://sunduni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_eu2OxU64QxLI76S](https://sunduni.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_eu2OxU64QxLI76S?fbclid=IwAR23u41H3Eb7m3JGnON34teN0F66TvWWlBihc3IxQjUyNSlIlsJFZWsNJcg)",Stress +49324,,Stress +49325,"Is crying when stressed a female thing? When I’m super stressed and I don’t know where my life is headed, work sucks, am unhappy with my looks, have no prospects, etc, I cry. + +I was wondering if other women do this too? Do guys do this? Or is it a female thing because of our hormones maybe?",Stress +49326,"Sleeping 6 hours, heart Racing and chest pain Hello all. + +I have been on sick leave from work for 3 months now. +Tomorrow I’m starting slowly again. 3 hours. + +Throughout all January I have had this persistent restlessness. I have been sleeping 4-6 hours every night, woken up, and slept again for 2-4 hours. Getting up at noon. The past two weeks I have tried to get up at 8, to match my work schedule. Now I only sleep 6 hours and stay in bed trying to get in the last two hours. +It worries me that I’m still not sleeping through a full night. +I’m not sure if it’s stress or my hiatal hernia or my chronic neck pain that wakes me up. But I wake up rather abruptly. So I’m guessing stress. Sometimes I wake up with racing heart. + +Speaking of racing heart - I started to get that randomly racing heart throughout the day. I wonder if it’s because I’m starting work and I’m nervous about it. I have social anxiety and I’m trying to fit into this new “me first” mindset. I’m a big people pleaser, but I have had to break with that habit now. Also I keep getting chest pain, I’m not sure if it’s my hiatal hernia or if it’s stress. + +Idk what to do. I’m feeling uneasy about not feeling better than I am after 3 months.",Stress +49327,"50 USD amazon voucher for 2min survey (student project) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 50 USD among all participants. Raffle will be on Wednesday. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +49328,"Can anybody relate to skin picking? I have this nasty habbit for 9 years... Picking my face, back. Of course I undeestad that it is bad, but still doing this ""routine"".And it has its consequences: the scars, red spots, even more agressive psoriasis... + I had some success stories of not picking, but lasted 1 month maximum. +I believe that it is like addiction.",Stress +49329,I feel like I can’t get rid of stress because it has benefitted me my whole life. Stress and anxiety has made me successful in the things that I do. But I’m also worried I may be stressing too much. Any advice on how I can get rid of stress even though I feel like I need it?,Stress +49330,"Short Survey for Student Project - Take part and get 20USD amazon voucher (takes 2mins) Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +Due to low response rate we decided to raffle 20 Euros among all participants. + +How to qualify + +\- Take part in survey + +\- Send me a DM with your e-mail and write me what is the last question in the survey + +\- Tomorrow we raffle the winner. + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +49331,Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide [Make Your Own Stress Balls - How To Guide](https://www.motherofgrom.com/post/make-your-own-stress-balls-how-to-guide),Stress +49332,"Short Survey for Student Project - Please support Hello community, + +I hope this post is allowed. + +I am a sports student and writing a paper about the positive influence of breath work on stress / burnout. + +You would do me a tremendous favor if you can take part in my very short survey. + +Thanks a lot in advance! All your data will stay anonymous! No email or so required. + +[https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8](https://forms.gle/Kzsk2NReccScwHPK8) + +&#x200B; + +Cheers, Christian",Stress +49333,"Please help me.. I was just doing my homework as usual, nothing was on my mind it was actually just blank. And suddenly I start looking through my notes, specifically at all the marked out words and suddenly getting frustrated. But still, I wasn't thinking anything, mind blank. So unexpectedly I start stabbing my notebook and my pen breaks and then I start crying and hyperventilating, again, I have no idea what's happening or why I am crying. A few minutes after I stop and get back to normal, mind is still empty and I'm confused now and scared of myself, why would I do that. Yes, I am really stressed right now because of exams but I didn't know I would be stabbing a damn notebook for no reason. Can someone help me out? What could this be?",Stress +49334,"High RHR due to Stress Over the past month or so things in my life have gotten crazy - in so many facets. + +My grandma got diagnosed w cancer, my mom is having sudden alarming blood pressure issues, I'm in my last semester of college, working 30 hours per week, I just got a job offer for after graduation, rent is increasing, and more - all within this month. + +My average resting heart rate has increased almost 20 bpm. My usual RHR is around 60-65 and for the past week or so it's been sitting around 80-85. Yesterday in particular my heart rate got all the way up to 180 while walking to class (what would normally only bring it to around 120-130 or so). I just don't know what to do to get my stress levels down, and in return, my RHR.",Stress +49335,"Is this stress or mental health issues? Hi I am always nervous, I don't know how to describe like having butterflies on the stomach all the time and always on alert state. I keep making mistakes because of the alert state, after I make a simple mistake I get angry about myself and feel guilty, I cannot find a safe place to feel at peace even at home, my brain cannot stop thinking. How can I handle this? Thank you",Stress +49336,"we're all a work in progress One of the most satisfying things about being a therapist is watching clients build their lives on their terms by applying the content and capabilities they're learning and developing. + +Just recently, I wrote a comprehensive case study giving a fly on the wall account of what it is really like to work with a modern, third generation hypnotherapist. + +[http://permahypnotherapy-25599865.hubspotpagebuilder.eu/break-free-0-0](http://permahypnotherapy-25599865.hubspotpagebuilder.eu/break-free-0-0) + +It's packed full of insight, hints, tips and, for now, it is free to download.",Stress +49337,"How stress alone has potentially ruined my physical health . Last year alone . I stressed a lot . I actually told myself I’m so stressed . I feel like I could die from this level of stress . Well it almost got me . + +Start of last year . +- stress induced stomach ulcer + +4 months later +- stress induced IBS + +6 months later +- started grinding my teeth + +8 months later +- teeth grinding now caused tinnitus , ear pain , jaw pain . + +So because of stress I have facial pain , stomach pain , intestines issues , worn teeth and worst of all 24/7 tinnitus and ear pain . + +Stress is no joke . Look after yourself",Stress +49338,"Does anyone else get sore aching legs and body pain from being in a constant state of worry and stress I’ve been super stressed and anxious lately because of a lot of stressors at home plus feeling like I have no one to share them with. My family has been going through insane amount of financial issues and debts so I don’t know if this is a cause // effect. + +In the past 5 months I’ve diagnosed myself with all types of cancers ( because I had blood in my stool due to hemmoroids ) I’ve had swollen nodes in my neck etc. + +My body has acted out in all kinds of ways over the past few months and I’ve been visiting all doctors where nothing major has been diagnosed but I can’t stop worrying. I had got my blood work done 3 months ago and it was all good, now with the body pain I feel like getting it again because I feel like some new cancer mah have developed. + +The past week has been literal hell where my muscles are constantly extremely aching. My legs have been so sore, I wake up every night from 2 AM to 5 AM with leg // stomach pain and anxiety attacks plus my guts have been churning and I’m constantly worrying about things. + +Has anyone else got these symptoms weird anxiety symptoms ? Sometimes I don’t even realise that I’m clenching my leg muscles they ache so much. + +Sorry for freaking out and posting about all of this. I’ll appreciate some good vibes / validation + +I’m 29/F",Stress +49339,,Stress +49340,,Stress +49341,"Stress and anxiety are no joke The tension I get is so bad. I can feel it in my neck and my head. Tension headaches like crazy. The tension makes me feel foggy and almost disassociated. I've started having migraines too. 39 years old without ever having them until this past year. Really need to get a grip on my stress because it's so awful trying to live life while feeling this way. I've tried meditation, stretches, heat therapy. It does help but I can't just address my stress when it surfaces. I have to figure out how to keep it under control during normal life so as to avoid getting to this point.",Stress +49342,UPDATE If you haven’t seen my previous post then I suggest you go look at it but I broke up with my girlfriend today and it felt like a whole mountain of stress and anxiety fell off my shoulders 😌😌,Stress +49343,It’s not gonna be long before I have see a therapist As by the title yes I may need to see a therapist soon for what reason you might ask well here a little background so me and my girlfriend have been dating a whole 9 months her birthday is tomorrow and Valentine’s Day is literally right around the corner and I’m trying to focus on school and she’s clingy as hell which means I barely get to have my own personal space somedays I don’t even get to handout with the boys because of her and school not to mention I’ve got crap tons of homework everyday that I do and don’t do mainly because I stay up playing video games thinking on how I can be a better boyfriend to her and I’ve even gone some nights not eating and overall I’ve just got a shit ton of stress and I feel like shit every day and it’s hell 😭😭😭,Stress +49344,"[Question] Burned out but boss loves my ability and will continue to incentivize if I do more TLDR : 3 questions at end regarding how to not care to disappoint when team and boss have seen my abilities. Boss has high aspirations for me this year or which if I fulfill I’m going to stretch myself so thin that I will leave or go into depression. + + +I was given a rather good yearly review, and well incentivized, but I am currently stressed, and trying to figure out how to have less responsibilities, when it’s desired I have more. This is above and beyond the rest of my team. + +Boss sees my “potential” and not only wants it to continue, but also have me lead more, be more of a driver and influencer, and upgrade my knowledge, cross-team visibility. All of which I do not want. Taking on any more work feels like I’m going to “pop” and I’m already near / at burnout. + +I hate disappointing and failing (why I try harder than others on my team; and also why I’m hate being in this position I am right now) but I’m at my max currently near / in burnout, thinking or ways to get out. My mindset is that I’d rather quit a 6fig job and go elsewhere / take a break than disappoint and fail someone whom believes in me so wholeheartedly, and knows how fast I can operate. + +Sadly I’ve “shown my hand” this past year of what I’m capable of, but it’s unsustainable for my stress levels, needed downtime, and resetting ability. And more is desired. I’ve mentioned already to the boss that I’m burning the candle at both ends, but it’s only been sprinkled throughout the year. I also hate that I would them regret providing a large optional incentivized reward. Additionally if I fail it’s most likely no more of that and I would just be considered “middle of the road”. I’m OK with that if someone didn’t know my abilities, but again I have pushed past 120% capacity many times for tight deadlines and to get things done. + +- How do I change my mindset to not care about disappointing +- What, if anything, do I tell boss? I feel I need to drop hints that this is too much and if I’m dead it does no one good. ( absolutely sucks feeling capable but also having a hapicapied weakness of stress leading to depression.) +- What would you do if you were me with these concerns, and yet burned out?",Stress +49345,"Stress Management Hi everyone, may I please invite you to answer a poll? + +If there is anything you would want to be better at what would it be? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10n8jpe)",Stress +49346,"Dealing with stress related gastric problems I get awful tummy problems when I’m stressed, to the point where it’s hard to eat properly. How do you guys deal with this? I’ve had quite a run of stress lately, and as a side effect I haven’t been eating enough",Stress +49347,"Hardest part about dealing with stress In an effort to support each other here... + +Open discussion: What is the hardest part about dealing with stress? Share what you are going through. I'm sure it will help me too and I'd feel that I am not alone. I'll go first - My relationships are taking the backseat. My children suffer too.",Stress +49348,"""Reduce Worry and Chill Out – The Best Gummies for You"" + +Are you feeling overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety of everyday life? You're not alone. Worry, stress, and anxiety can often come from daily tasks that are out of our control or from a lack of focus on self-care. Thankfully, there is an easy solution: best gummies for stress and anxiety! + +Gummies infused with calming herbs such as chamomile, lavender, and passionflower have been shown to reduce levels of worry and promote relaxation. + +They are also low in calories and free from artificial ingredients making them a great choice if you're looking for an all-natural way to chill out. + +Additionally, gummies can be taken anywhere at any time making them extremely convenient when it comes to managing your mental health on the go.",Stress +49349,"Nobody listens Nobody listens to the words I say +Only pipe up when I have to pay +Everyone talks over me +Then I get asked why I'm not acting like me + +Only care when I'm acting recluse +Not caring when I feel like no use +Not speaking up when I feel out of place +Only making me feel like a waste of space + +I know this is too much to handle +But I feel like I must be like a candle +Melt away all the excess waste +Find a smile to put on the new face + +credit to Twitter / @onlyhumans65",Stress +49350,"Please help me I beg Please help I beg … + +I have a huge problem trying to sleep + +I hate dreaming and the thought of dreaming or just realizing I’m in a different reality of the world sometimes it makes me not want to sleep or I don’t be able to sleep I want to break out of this mindset but I don’t know where to start everyone suggests me therapist but they always make me try to pay something when I simply just want answers and it’s frustrating cause I’m 17 going through this and everyone is trying to use me as a piggy bank instead of helping me become better",Stress +49351,"Small Survey on mobile games and stress Hi everyone! I am doing a small research survey (2 minutes) on how some mobile games can cause us to be a little too stressed - specifically looking for female players ages 25-55 from North America like myself. If you identify as a female, I would REALLY appreciate it so much if you can answer a few quick survey questions (it is completely anonymous) [https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17](https://forms.gle/YEFNqpg6YXF1UmH17?fbclid=IwAR2m2DbjLP3-MrUYY9t7I2ghUN6077y-fMFOOELnW7mA8ctvNhV1Xuu62l0)",Stress +49352,"Stress Management Okay, so how do you fellow working citizens deal with stress? I just started a new job and the perfectionist in me is so nervous. I know i’m just starting but I literally want to blow my brains out because of how fucking dumb I can be with it sometimes. (Not literally but just like if I wasn’t so nervous my stupid brain would actually function better. Just agg) + + +Ughh I know I know. +Practice makes perfect but like…. What the fuck man. + + +I’m so scared I will fail and tarnish the company name and get fired for being a dumbass.",Stress +49353,"no stress Stress is present in everyone's life. This is unavoidable. What we can change is how we deal with it. And sometimes, all we need is to know how to relieve stress quickly, before it does damage to us or our loved ones. So, simple and quick ways for you to relieve your stress. They are suitable for any situation: whether at work, in studies, at home, in a day-to-day situation or in something more punctual. Good reading! Chat",Stress +49354,"Investigating the effects of early life experiences on stress related factors in adulthood Are you between the ages of 18-45 years old and want to participate in psychological research? + +I would like to invite you to take part in a multi-part research study investigating the effects of past life experiences on stress related factors; such as daily stress, ability to regulate emotions and sleep. To understand these relationships in the context of other important social, and psychological, factors such as social support and suicide behaviour history. To research this, we will ask you to complete a series of surveys across one week. This includes one initial 15 minute survey and then two 2 minute surveys per day for a 7 day period. Participants will have the chance to win Flexi eGift cards. + +If you would like to take part please click the link below: + +[https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK\_yhi77MRJc04](https://leedspsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2sMaT1sKkyiQMlw?fbclid=IwAR31YrKJVSdEoXA4WMXqMKomHSmb7F1zgFySUHx-1KSPqUK_yhi77MRJc04) + +\*\*\*PLEASE ensure at the end of the survey that you submit your telephone number as you will not be able to proceed with the study. + +All research has been assessed and approved by the University of Leeds School of Psychology Ethics Committee. Reference number: PSYC-692, Date of approval: 07/12/2022.",Stress +49355,"Forgot the way to my apartment! I don’t know if it’s stress related. I do not consciously know if I am under a lot of stress, but on the way back from the laundry room, I pressed the wrong floor and started trying to open the door to the wrong apartment(which is two floors above mine). I realised that it was my seemingly ours but I had to take a minute to recall my own actual apartment number. +Is this worrisome? I have been in this apartment for 22 days.",Stress +49356,Back to stress/depression eating Lost about 80 pounds since 2019 and now since starting new job 6 months in I can’t stop stress eating. Gained about 20 pounds in the last 6 months from starting this job now I can’t control myself feel like I’m going to gain it all back,Stress +49357,"These are my Energy Gainers I always wish to surround myself with people who spread positivity in their talks and actions. It is such an overwhelming experience to be around them that loads me up with a whole energy. + +When we are faced with tough situations in life, communicating with optimistic people paves the way to eliminate negative thoughts and substantially boosts our conf..... [Continue Reading ](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/22/what-are-your-energy-givers-here-is-the-list-of-mine/)",Stress +49358,"Stress induced dandruff Any tips or ideas on how to manage it? I've tried every shampoo and I even have a steroid to rub on my head when it flares up from my dermatologist, but nothing works",Stress +49359,"Stressed about speaking a second language I’m doing this post almost holding a panic attack, but let's go. +I'm not an English speaker. Recently, I moved to a country (non-English speaker either) for a job (that only uses English). Everyone I’ve dealt with has some international background with a good spoken English or is native. +It's my first international position and my first time living abroad. And I've never been so stressed with my spoken English. +Last week, twice during a meeting, my boss mentioned it in front of everyone. Everyone with such a diverse background compared to my mediocre one. Since this situation, my confidence has disappeared, and I have felt that my spoken English has worsened. +At the same time, I've been so paranoid about it, that I noticed some behaviors that worried me (like being fixed on only consuming English content, avoiding and culprit myself for even thinking in my native language). +I'm petrified. I feel I'm losing the respect of my colleagues... +Does anyone have some ideas or suggestions? +My writing improved a lot, but my speaking... Damn...",Stress +49360,"Worried about my gap year I am a college senior and lately I have been stressed to the point that it has been affecting my sleep schedule. Currently I am taking a gap year to retake some prerequisites and study for the MCAT med school, I don’t live at home due to my school being far away, but I am stress that I have to be at home and study for it. I didn’t have my own room before I left to college. I had to lose one of the unused rooms in my house as my personal room, unfortunately, my parents decided that they prefer this room compared to the master bedroom. It was fine at the moment because I was away at college and I had a house near my school. Now that I’m about to graduate and hopefully move back home to save money I have brought up this issue if I could get the room back but instead of hearing me out, they had stated that I can just go to the library study. I am not sure whether or not I should just suck it up and move back home or save up enough money to move out officially. Any advice would be wonderful!",Stress +49361,"Being a single parent, working, and going to school is killing me I love my son. He is my rock, my world and the reason I am pushing myself. But, it’s reached a point where I am breaking. I hardly eat because I don’t have time to cook and prepared foods are expensive and unhealthy. I’m buried in school work already, I have to work to earn a paycheck and my son has needs too. I had been having awful migraines last semester and now they are back and this time I am nauseous too. I was dry heaving for 20 minutes. Right now my head hurts so bad that I am seeing flashing lights and feeling dizzy. I tried eating a banana and some crackers and drank some coffee, but it hasn’t lessened. I don’t know what to do. I am out of PTO due to covid and can lose my job for calling out, which I don’t wanna do because I have so much on my plate already.",Stress +49362,"How to deal with stress [https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq](https://4331566654243.gumroad.com/l/tzjrq) + +This comprehensive and easy-to-follow ebook, that contains a lot of science backed strategies to dealing with stress will improve your overall wellbeing instantly.",Stress +49363,"Is it okay that I did nothing over my month off from university? Hi all, thank you for stumbling upon this post. + +The fall semester ended for me in mid-December, and I resume for the spring semester in a week. I'm reflecting on the time I spent while having absolutely no academic, social, or financial responsibility... to say the very least, I'm not very pleased with how I dedicated my time. Much of it was spent sleeping, binge-watching shows, cooking, and staying inside. I did get some important things done, but I can't help but think, ""why couldn't I have done more?"" I had hoped to do some exploring or go out more frequently to enjoy the outdoors. I'm disappointed in myself for not doing so. + +At the same time, I'm reminding myself that I needed to not do anything for a whole month after a year and a half of consecutive working. This was my first break in a really long time. I'm just upset about how unwisely I spent it... I don't know. + +Any advice or comments?",Stress +49364,"Diarrhea from stress, what can i do? Hey guys, i got a problem, like i build a wall in my head, if i wake up early and have to go in the public, like uni i have Diarrhea and now i am to stressed to face these situations, what can i do?",Stress +49365,,Stress +49366,"Post grad application and butter fingers I applied for a masters program in a field that I’m really passionate about. I was actually accepted into the program the year before but because of funding issues, I had to turn down the offer. + +This year I made sure to apply for many different scholarship and have managed to secure partial funding at least so it seemed like everything was looking up for me! + +Then last month my laptop was stolen (really scary situation that I’m not gonna into detail about) and I’ve had to email the university using my cell phone instead of my laptop like usual. I realized I’ve been sending draft emails through to the admissions office and associate prof while I was trying to save them and I genuinely just want to cry and give up. + +It’s such a stupid mistake and given the lack of response on the professor’s part I’m thinking this might ruin my chances. I was so proud of my personal statement and had really solid references but now I’m doubting everything about my application and myself. + +Edit: I received an offer and have chatted to the prof, everything is good now!",Stress +49367,"how to deal with previous stressed situations? I have been down with stress since mid November, and I have started up working again part-time from mid-December. I now have to travel (by plane) for work, which previously triggered my stress, because of all the people, noise and business of the airport and transportation. It took me a week to get over all the stimuli of the last travel day. I now have to travel in late February, and my mind can't stop thinking about it, and I am afraid that I will use another week to get over it again. So how do l deal with a previous trigger? Travelling is part of my job, and I want to overcome the fear",Stress +49368,"Introducing Fidget Pro Feeling stressed or having trouble focusing? Fidget Pro is here to help! Download now on the App Store and Google Play and start fidgeting your way to a calmer and more productive day. + +[Download Now.](https://fidget-app.onelink.me/qzNH/0g9xnd4h)",Stress +49369,"What do you do when your overwhelmed with stress? I don't have an actual reason to be stressed right now. But, right now I just feel overwhelmed. What are some healthy things I can do to manage the build up of stress?",Stress +49370,"Yin Yoga is a WONDERFUL Way to Regulate the Nervous System and Manage Stress I am a MA level clinical mental health counselor and was recently certified as a Yin Yoga Therapy Instructor. Though I cannot offer individualized/catered sessions, I do provide yin yoga classes on YouTube (@wildheartyogahh) as a free resource to help those who may not be able to afford help in other ways. Many people store emotional energy in the body- specifically in the fascia, since 80% of nerve pathways end in the fascia- and yin targets release of fascia and connective tissue through long (3+ min), passive holds. It is a wonderful, gentle practice, for the mind and body! Hope it can help someone. :)",Stress +49371,"I’m burnt out Fuck school and fuck this school system. I’m in a constant state of stress. I have panic attacks and I cry everyday at school as well as when I get home. I’m taking AS levels and the thought of me writing the exams in a few months keeps me panicked. I’ve withdrawn from my social life due to the stress and I feel miserable. I feel like im being suffocated. It’s all an ongoing loop and I feel stuck . I genuinely cannot imagine myself surviving next year too. Everytime I sit down to study, I have mental breakdowns . I just have 1 more year to graduate",Stress +49372,"panic disorder with visual problems anyone out there that suffers from chronic stress, panic disorder and blurry vision?",Stress +49373,How do high level CEO’s manage stress? I’ve always wondered how someone can have so much on their shoulders yet manage the stress and do their job.,Stress +49374,"How to stop stress? I have glaucoma in my family and I have a little bit too much pressure in my eyes according to a quick checkup. No idea has it done any damage, so I have an appointed test next month but I can't stop thinking that I'm gonna go blind before that",Stress +49375,"i have pretty much forgot all the good memories and cant make good memories anymore i don't know where to start but the thing is I have forgot everything good about my past, I realised this when I went to my school few days ago, where I studied for like 8 long years, I thought I would feel very nostalgic about it obviously because I have spent 8 whole years there with my friends, had a lot of fun, but right when I step into my school, I can't remember a single freaking thing and even if i would I gave almost no reaction at all, I didn't even smiled and that's making me sad. + +Another Situation Like The Above : + +I have got a girlfriend recently its been like 5 months and we meet in person twice or thrice in a month, and I met her yesterday too, when I am with her I pretty much enjoy everything, the feeling of hugging her, kissing her, and just doing stupid things together, but as soon as I drop her home its like all the memories just fade away, right after I drop her home I forget the feeling of huggin her, kissing her. I usually took this for granted all the time but yesterday after dropping her at her home tears started coming out of my eyes because of how much I hated this. I actually don't have anyone to talk about this with neither can I go to a therapist or whatever, can anyone please please please help me a little bit. +I will appreciate it a lot. + +In short its just like when I am doing something I will enjoy it and be present in that particular situation but as soon as I leave I am gonna forget everything about it. + +So if anyone knows what's going on with me please help.",Stress +49376,"rouvestatin jus started rouvestatin, anyone out there get dizzineà from side effects?🤔🤔🤔",Stress +49377,This might help you The Serenity Prayer is one of the prayers that brings peace of mind. It unlocks the optimism oneself and drives the composure while you are focusing on wrong things which you cannot control….[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/12/take-back-control-with-the-serenity-prayer/),Stress +49378,,Stress +49379,Stressed about money I have been doing shit with my decisions with money and now i have barely enough to live with. And no job’s have answered to my applications. And i feel that i have fucked up future completely.,Stress +49380,"New eBook: Stress Management Get the inside story – my new ebook about personal stress management, ""The **RESIST™ Method:** **How to Be Stress-Resilient in Just 7 Days. If you want to know more, click this link.** [https://melchopasikatan.samcart.com/products/the-resist-method-how-to-be-stress-resilient-in-just-7-daysdcxz1](https://melchopasikatan.samcart.com/products/the-resist-method-how-to-be-stress-resilient-in-just-7-daysdcxz1)",Stress +49381,"2023 sucks so much for me right now. My PC suddenly stopped working, the computer shop guy possibly scammed me, and last night, I was in the middle of a (possibly) gang shooting. I never thought I would see a gunman shooting in public, but there he was, pointing in my direction (possibly at a fleeing car that flew past me). Like, shit man, why is all this stuff happening to me all of the sudden.",Stress +49382,Insomnia How do you guys fight insomnia?,Stress +49383,"Being a perfectionist I dislike the word perfectionist, I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but it’s what I’m called a lot. + +I feel the need to do everything to the highest level. I start working on university essays weeks in advance and don’t submit them until the last minute and I still feel like I could of done better. I rewrite sentences multiple times because they don’t sound quite right. An essay that could take someone 3 hours takes me triple that. + +It’s the same at my job, if a customer interaction doesn’t go as well as I wanted it to it’s in the back of my head for days after. + +My whole life is dictated by this need. I don’t know how to let go of it, I want to be at peace.",Stress +49384,,Stress +49385,,Stress +49386,"Many don't understand that Stress comes from taking Stress as a real mechanic of reality You don't have to believe me, you can deconstruct Stress, Depression, Anxiety, all those franchizes in ImmaterialAI - a free tool i built for people to see how many ideas are unprovable yet cause us damage through us believing in them, personally i stopped believing in Stress and recommend it to everyone.",Stress +49387,"Starting college again. I’m a college freshman and just got off break. I was seventeen when I started and I’m only eighteen now. Everyone else at this school is 30+. I don’t fit in and I feel like there’s so much pressure on me to talk like them. Their words are so elegant, I feel like comparing our work next to each other mine looks like shit. I get really bad GI issues when I’m dealing with college. Everything feels out of place. To top it off, I’m doing online work so I have to have extra discipline. There’s just so much to do, I schedule it all out but it’s so fucking much. I at least know I’m stressed out and to breathe when my stomach starts making wild sounds. + +Does anybody have any tips, encouragement, or similar stories? I just need to feel like someone’s got my back.",Stress +49388,"Neighbor gave me a gift should I give back? It feels kind of awkward to be the only one to receive but if I offer something I'm afraid she'll perceive it as me just trying to be quits, which would be true but doesn't feel right",Stress +49389,"I feel stuck somehow I’m (16) doing my IGCSE exams in a few months, mocks in 2 weeks and I know I’m smart, I know I have the ability to get through it but I get so stressed thinking about it that I just freeze and feel like crying. I grind my teeth and bite my tongue I don’t want to be an utter failure at life. I’m scared of amounting to nothing because I want to do many things, I’ve always had high expectations for myself. I’m tired, I’m scared and I don’t know how to end this cycle and actually do my work. I take to long to sleep and keep waking up, my back always hurts, my neck hurts like crap whenever I see people with good grades because I feel like my grades would be lower and I hate being academically inferior. I feel like I’m going to fail anyway so might as well ignore it and enjoy my time and I know it’s wrong but I am so scared and I don’t know why.",Stress +49390,"Looking for different ways to cope with stress? I’ve been scrolling this subreddit looking for ways to deal with stress. I’m a 22 year old college student. This past year I have completely shut myself out from the world (not literally), but mentally. + +My mother was incarcerated recently. Her and her husband kicked my 18 year-old brother out (still don’t know why). My dad and I have a rocky relationship. With all of that, I’m a full-time student and looking for another job. With that being said, those events have taken a toll on me mentally. I feel so drained and emotionally overwhelmed. It’s started taking a toll on me physically. I don’t eat that often, have stopped exercise, barely leave the house, and quit my job. I don’t even remember the last time I got a good night rest (sleep without tossing and turning every hour). It’s been months. I feel so terrible. You can just look at me and tell i’m not myself. + +What can I do to help manage my stress levels? I’m about to go back to therapy in a few weeks. I don’t know where to start aside from that. Any tips would be extremely helpful.",Stress +49391,"First job This will probably be funny to most ppl but, I’m planning on applying to Walmart as a cashier as my first ever job but I’m extremely nervous because I’m really really bad at basic math and have trouble with basic numbers and I always overthink things and keep thinking of scenarios where if I had to give back change or smth I’d be totally stuck and look like an idiot I just thought I’d share that and hopfully people in the comments can help me out ty 😬",Stress +49392,"I skip eating when stressed So I’ve been stressed out a lot the past two months almost with school and family bullshit, finals and anything else. So when I get stressed I just don’t get hungry I tend to skip meals, or when I’m really busy I just forget to eat. But now I’m starting to see the effects of it on my health, I can’t afford that much food to begin with so I’m used to skipping meals, but now I have to make myself eat more",Stress +49393,"I just- Paid for a “massage” so id stop feeling so lonely. It actually helped a bit. We had a moment where we were just relaxing. It was the best part of it. + +Crazy how in a world full of billions of people you can feel so alone. I find that to be ludicrous. Don’t you? + +Something is seriously wrong in the world.",Stress +49394,"I dont know what to do and my stress is showing physically Last month I had to make a hard decision: Quit my job to save my mental health, or stay there and eventually suffer a burnout that’ll cause me to lash out at everyone for everything. I chose to quit because I just knew I wouldn’t go long without a job. + +New year, new hiring season, but I’m still here…in my room…applying for jobs…almost 50-100 applications sent a week, but because I’m not specialized in anything, I have to wait for handouts. + +When I eat my stomach hurts, but when I dont eat my stomach hurts and I feel close to fainting. I can’t sleep, I’ve been staying up til like 1-2am just…applying. I literally have nothing better to do. No money to spend so I can’t go anywhere. Me and my mom need to go grocery shopping, but both of us are too broke to do so, but we make too much for food stamps and I was denied unemployment. + +I tried to smoke the stress away, but that only caused me to feel like I need it so I don’t lose my mind being a manic freak. + +I try to play my video games, but when you’ve been literally raised by the internet and have probably seen everything of interest, it’s just boring. + +I go running sometimes, but then what the hell else am I supposed to do for the other 12 hours????",Stress +49395,"A little rant I hope this would reach someone to make them feel less lonely. +I am studying constantly to finish my bachelors degree by time, and when I say constantly I mean from 12am to 12pm, with 10 mins of break every hour, and with the breaks needed to eat. Then I start to follow my interests by watching videos on yt, and I end sleeping every night at 4/5am (that’s why I start studying that late in the morning). In the meanwhile, my mom’s getting old and dad is emotionally far (they divorced). My mom is almost every day stressed and sad (for reasons that can be acceptable and sometimes unacceptable), and I don’t know how to talk with my dad, because I don’t feel him as a “real” father, due to some things that happened in the past but which I can’t actually forget. +At the same time, my gf is pretty stressed with her life since October 22, and despite the fact that things are still fine, I feel the stress that is infiltrating in our relationship; my best friend are day by day more emotionally far than ever, and I genuinely don’t know what to do. +Any advices?",Stress +49396,"Dealing with constant stress on top of that have fallen sick and worried I have cancer I’m dealing with a really bad gut situation . Im only 29 but over the summer I was on a 2 month long holiday eating crap and that’s when my stomach problems started. I had blood on my stool at the end of two months and instead of treating it as a hemmoroid because of crap food I’ve been thinking I have colon cancer. Cut to the next 6 months of constant stress and anxiety and nausea and gut issues. I’ve never got constipated in my life before so I’m stressed about colon cancer and this is making me feel even more worried. + +I’ve been to the doctor and he told me the blood may be due to some minor rectal irritation but nothing to worry about. He didn’t check me physically though. + +All my blood tests and stomach ultrasound is clear but I can’t get over the thought of having colon cancer as whenever I’m constipated there’s been blood. + +I’m an extreme hypochondriac and im going through one of the most stressful times of my life and im worried I have colon cancer twenty four seven. Im constantly naseous and I have cramps. My stomach hasn’t been the same in 7 months and I never had this problem earlier. + +Current symptoms : stomach cramps, inability to empty stomach, blood on toilet paper, swollen anus( I can feel a swelling in the area), lots of acid reflux, constantly , and constipated + +Current Mental State// Life Problems: My dad’s company shut down over night 5 Years ago- both my parents literally have 0 money and we come from quite a upper class background from back in the day. They have no idea how to move forward in the future, I’ve had back to back 4 traumatic relationships where I feel like I’ve only been dumped because of the troubles my dad is facing and no one wants to be a part of this kind of a family. I’ve had men enter my lives, totally support me and fly away with all my trust broken back to back and all of this has broken me. I also saw my best friend pass away in a freak fire accident 3 years ago. All my friends are married / getting married and I feel constantly alone and sad. I can’t cope +I run my own company and I’m independent enough to live my life currently - but there’s no security for the future and I’m just constantly feeling like I’m racing with time to make ends meet. I feel like no one understands the place I am in physically and mentally and my physical health is making me unable to work mentally - and if I don’t work I won’t be able to sustain myself. + +I used to be a go getter- constantly at the gym and now I struggle to get out of bed. I have no answers on what’s happening to me . + +The last time I saw fresh blood was in JULY and now again In December. It’s fresh and very little but enough to make my mind spiral and think I’m dying/ I can’t switch off my brain and I’m constantly burning - farting and have reflux too! + +Do you think stress / anxiety are making my symptoms worse? I love to drink and I can’t even touch a drink thinking my stomach will spasm and bleed which makes me even more nervous and anxious. I’m at a loss of words and I can’t live a normal life. I want to switch off from the thought that I have a serious disease. + +Someone please help",Stress +49397,"health anxiety, chronic stress hi been suffering with health anxiety again, 1 thing after the other, stress anxiety and panic are sky high, jus took my bp, thats sky high too, head and back of neck ache, freaking out, jus can never relax, scared to death",Stress +49398,"ny gf had a shitty life Mine hasn't been to much better but shell go into depressive states and I try my best to help, I don't know how much longer I can support her especially when I don't feel my best",Stress +49399,"Wanna Do a Stress quiz? Hello! + +I'm doing an assignment for my school about stress and I need reposnses. This survey is about the stressful situations many face throughout their lives. Although this survey may not be 100% accurate or realistic all I need are responses! And no worries this is 100% anonymous except for your age :D + +Here is the link to the Google form if you guys want to fill out the survey ---> https://forms.gle/Kk3Sw7QhcgwB4JDH6",Stress +49400,"I despise living with my family but I can't afford to move out. I've been trying to move out for years but I make jack shit for my job. + +Every. Single. Day. When I get home there's an issue. It is always my older sister 100%. Whether it's getting back together with her ex that she got a restraining order against, victimizing herself over her kids existences because one of them is crying, or just being drunk, she is always throwing fits and making a scene, ruining everyone's day, for no reason. Let alone assault you for no reason. May God forgive your ignorant soul for thinking you can be in the same building as her when she feels like throwing a temper tantrum like a 4 year old. + +I've talked to our mom numerous times about her. She defends her every single time, sometimes I'll tell her she needs to stop enabling her and she just responds by enabling her. + +They're always telling me to pack my shit and go. Believe me, I'd fucking love to. But even though I pay rent you know they're always holding it over my head what a parasite I am and I'd be dead/homeless without them.",Stress +49401,Hollow Really feeling dead inside.,Stress +49402,,Stress +49403,This one really helped me out Quick fixes I've used - really helpful [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCO9qvQ8sUI),Stress +49404,"How do i get over my stress and anxiety related to having to learn to drive? I live down south in a mountainous/hilly area and i find it stressing even as a passenger at times because of how winding and narrow the roads are. it's as if a normal street was cut in half. there is consistently a large amount of brush around these roads which can obscure my vision. there are also a lot of guard rails around these roads which adds to it. i am being pressured by my family to learn to drive, mainly because 10 years ago my mom got high on prescription pills as she often does and went out at 3 in the morning driving somewhere and critically injured herself, almost paralyzing herself in the process (i was told that my mother is in the .1% of people who have a full complete recovery from the type of spinal damage she incurred in her accident without any loss of mobility). i also take prescription medication, and she has begun threatening to not pick up my prescriptions anymore if i don't do this which has also added to my stress. my family tells me that i can do all sorts of fun activities outside if i have a car (which i have little to no interest in, the only reason i leave my house is for food shopping and doctor's appointments). i obviously do not live somewhere there is easily accessible public transportation, either. for the most part i'm scared of injuring myself or another person if i'm behind the wheel.",Stress +49405,"Been in an extremely high anxious state the past five days (had multiple sobbing breakdowns as well), suddenly got weird “buzzing” feeling deep in one part of my brain? I’ve looked this up, and heard of the term “brain zaps” that can be triggered by extreme stress. But all of this info is from sketchier websites so I can’t be sure. Is this a real thing? Or do I have to be worried about some other health issue lmao?? + +It feels like a mini phone vibrating on pulses, deep in my brain in one located spot. (More to the right of my head.) + +I also look at screens a LOT, like 90% of my day, and I know that’s also a huge health issue but I’m not sure if that’s what’s causing this.",Stress +49406,"Super anxious and stressed after starting new job. Will this hurt my body or should I just tough it out for a couple weeks? + +so im 23 and ive pretty much avoided jobs because of pretty bad anxiety. + +I just recently got a decent job pretty much handed to me so I decided to take the opportunity but the anxiety from it is insane. Its not even really job related, its really just me being suuper insecure and shy and worrying about what they'll think of me. + +Im getting heart palps, im sleeping bad, im exhausted, Im getting a bunch of muscle twitches, im super brain fogged... + +I assume this will get better as time goes on and I feel more like acquainted to the people and job but right now its horrible. This wont kill me right?",Stress +49407,"Stress is insane and gives you so many grey hairs These last couple years have been extremely stressful for me and I am now 30 y/o and in 2 years, I went from 1-2 grey hairs in my beard to like 50. It is wild.",Stress +49408,"To those who give car rides UPDATE IN COMMENTS: I’m a college student from out of state. I left home because I didn’t like the environment I was in, and being out of state was one of the best options. I don’t have a car and it’s mostly a public transportation type place so it’s not the biggest issue. I don’t ask people for rides unless I really need them. If we go out, I’ll tell them we can take the bus. On rare occasions if I need it I’ll ask for a ride. I was getting close to someone and only then did I ask them to take me to target twice, once we went, the other we didn’t and the second time I really needed to go for a project. So you kinda get the jist of it. When I need to go to and from the airport I has rely on others, this is one are I need help in because Ubers are so expensive (also I only need it after and before the winter, summer, and one thanksgiving break). I generally don’t care too much about it’s safety because I feel it’s generally safe, but this one time it’s kind of an issue. + +I also would like to mention that I don’t really have friends in school. + +Anyways, I ended up contacting many MANY people. They all basically said no. The flight would come in at around 12 AM and none of them could pick me up. I honestly got angry. My thought process was that I’m literally in a bad situation, I need a ride, and no one can either wake up or cut their plans short? It honestly just made me so frustrated. I get im not your best friend, but a girl taking an Uber at 12AM-1AM isn’t okay for many. I’m not the type to go out a lot so it’s uncomfortable for me. + +I get it’s late at night, but it just made me feel like people are selfish. I hope I never treat others the way I feel when I ask others for a ride. Because it feels terrible, and I’m not saying these people are the exact reason why I feel this way. I’m sure it’s an accumulation, but it just feels so terrible. + +I hate having to beg and pry and ask. I hate asking for a ride so I do try my best to get there myself. I even offer to pay because I don’t want people to do it for free and then me feel like I’m always bothering them. + +I don’t know what to do, I know I’m emotional about this but people who have cars and give others a ride should try and be more empathetic to those who don’t.",Stress +49409,"YOGA is not only a physical workout + + + +**The word ‘Yoga’, has got a global presence now. Though it has gained popularity and is seen as a tool to uplift our lifestyle to a healthy one,** **myths are still buzzing around. It needs to be demystified as yoga is a great instrument that aims to develop self-awareness and connects that inner self to external energy…..**[CONTINUE READING](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2023/01/04/5-myths-of-yoga-to-demystify/)",Stress +49410,"Being too hard on myself This is gonna sound real crazy but I don't feel grown cuz I don't drive. Maybe I'd feel better living where others use public transit as much as I do. It does kinda bother me a bit like if I did wanna go out and get dressed up, I'd have to use uber or lyft but I'm taking care of myself and need to stay focused on my right eye so it can get better. I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself cuz I'm really trying my best when I've wanted to give up before but didn't",Stress +49411,"How is stress and difficult emotions coped with⚡ # There are many different ways to cope with stress and difficult emotions. Some strategies that may be helpful include: + +# 🏴Engaging in relaxation techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness meditation can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Exercise: Regular physical activity can help reduce stress and improve your mood. + +# 🏴Connect with others: Spending time with loved ones or participating in social activities can help you feel supported and reduce feelings of loneliness. + +# 🏴Seek support: Consider talking to a mental health professional or joining a support group to discuss your feelings and learn coping skills. + +# 🏴Engage in activities you enjoy: Doing things you enjoy, such as hobbies or creative pursuits, can help distract you from stress and provide a sense of accomplishment. + +# 🏴Practice good self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, and engaging in stress-reducing activities. + +# 🏴Set boundaries: It's important to set limits and make time for self-care to prevent burnout. + +# Remember, it is normal to feel stressed or overwhelmed at times. It is important to find healthy ways to cope with these emotions and seek support when needed. + +# [ taken from r/on_therapy ]",Stress +49412,"Work, kids, wedding, in-laws… It’s all getting to me really bad. I’m an author and writing has always been my stress outlet and lately it’s like I can’t write enough to keep the stress off me, it’s gotten to the point where I can’t get comfy and I’m just anxious and feel like shit. Normally I just kinda deal with my stress when I have time but the way it’s making my stomach feel and how week my legs are, it’s making it impossible to help with my kids and I’m really irritable and it’s now effecting my partner. We’re trying to move out of the in-laws on a single income with 2 kids (6 months and 3 years old) while I work a new job that I just started last month which I love but it’s all getting to me really bad. I eat way too much and make myself feel like shit, me feeling like shit makes me anxious which nukes my appetite and then I can’t eat at all and then I feel sick because I can’t eat. I dunno if it’s my diet or what but this is getting really difficult…",Stress +49413,"New years stress :-( Hi! I just need to tell this to somebody. 2023 is going to be ond of the hardest years. Probably not the hardest, but like really really really hard one. You know, in november and december I was so calm and not nervous but with the strike of midnight… I don’t know. It’s just… I had to organize my moms birthday today (which was succes, I guess), in 2 weeks I have a prom, then I need to have good grades for being able to do the maturity exam (Final exam you end high school with), then writing the exam, speaking part, choosing university, going to university…. Omg, so many important things in one year. Is it just me, or did also anybody else felt incredible pressure of the new year duties right with the strike of midnight?",Stress +49414,"What do y’all do with your time off? I have been on sick leave for 2 months now. I’m completely paralyzed still. I have no idea what to do with my time since my creativity died. I use to draw, paint, write and play creative games. But all of my creativity died and it feels like I have no hobbies now. + +How do I get my creativity back?",Stress +49415,"Stress supplements Has anybody had any experience with immediate stress support, I’ve been trying the PYM chews for gaba relief and found them useful and I want to see if anybody has had success with anything similar?",Stress +49416,"I'm unable to do anything I can't even look forward to eating dinner with my family. My stress is so crippling that I am bedbound. I haven't spent time with frens in 1,5 years. Even my hobbies ruin me. They say I'm depressed, but I don't agree. This began when I was optimistic, but that is slowly dying due to my zero energy.",Stress +49417,For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency? For the past three months I have been experiencing random small twitches all over my body is it ALS? Anxiety? I’m a 31 year old African American male. Also could be it be a vitamin deficiency?,Stress +49418,"Stress Relief in Making Things So last year, I went to a diner with my gf and I had myself a cappuccino for the first time. I've never tasted anything so delicious and I made it a goal to learn how to go about making one. After Christmas, I got myself an espresso machine. It would be a few months before I used it (lack of space where I live) but I finally got it set up back in November. My first drink, well... I never used a steam wand before. I watched some YouTube videos, my second cup was EXACTLY like what I had at that diner. Now I make about 3 cups a week or so (usually to keep warm more than anything) and it's expanding to where I got a coffee grinder so I'm not restricted by grind. If I want whole beans, I can work with them now. If I'm unsure what grind the bag I have is, pour some in the grinder to make sure. + +Was it expensive? Well, getting everything together was about $260. With all the payment apps out there, it's affordable. You can make tons of stuff too. Lattes, mochas, I'll make hot chocolate with this thing. And I love it. If I have guests, I always offer to make them something. I found zen in the process, satisfaction in these product, and a desire to expand on what I know. It really makes me feel better knowing I can make something that not only I can enjoy, but friends and family can as well. + +My advice? Learn a craft that you enjoy. If you like painting or even coloring, there's plenty of resources. If you like writing, maybe get a voice recorder for story ideas that pop up and expand on that for a bit. If you like food, all kinds of classes out there. But all in all, make something for you first.",Stress +49419,Stress buster calming flute....Himalyan Hike [https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/musictracks/himalayan-hike](https://roundglass.com/living/meditation/musictracks/himalayan-hike),Stress +49420,"Always stressed, even though I don't have a lot do stress about So I don't have anything that I really need to do, except for two school projects. One of them is a sewing project, and I know I can get that done fast enough, and the other is a important-ish project assigned by a really nice teacher that will give extensions. I probably should have finished them a few days into the break, but I keep putting it off. I'm always thinking about it, and I just tell myself ""I'll do it later."" Then I do something else and forget about it. But when I do remember it, I don't feel like doing it. I have all this free time and I just waste it. There's only a few more days until it's due but I keep putting it off and I know that I'll have to do it last minute. I'm working on it little by little to try to stress less, but I don't want this to happen again. What can I do to fix this?",Stress +49421,"Stress paralysis I am dealing with a lot of problems at the moment. All financial. + +How can I face the problems? And stop avoiding them. I do this because of anxiety and lack of finances to pay the bills. + +But I think I am hurting myself in the end. Any strategies around this paralysis?",Stress +49422,"I can’t seem to handle the stress from any job I am 22, and I started a new job 2 weeks ago, where I work from home, doing mainly administrative tasks. I’ve started hating it - I have a lot of work and since I am new everything takes ages to finish. I am getting so stressed to the point that I think about work all the time instead of enjoying life. I quit my previous job after 5 months because I also found it to be stressful (there I had a lot less work and looking back it was not stressful). Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this stress? Also any ideas on less stressful jobs? I feel like I am stuck in the corporate cycle and not sure how I can get out. I can’t seem to find a job which I would enjoy",Stress +49423,"How do I learn how to control/ get rid of stress when there are so many things which could be causing it I’m 13 and for the past 5 months , since august, I haven’t been able to sleep properly and my period has completely gone and my hairs falling out a lot and I’m positive it’s because of stress . The problem is idk what actually causing my stress because I have so many problems + +I’ve had blood tests and they just said I have anaemia (low iron). + +I’m always anxious when I can’t sleep because I start ruminating about the consequences of poor sleep and that makes it harder to sleep but idk if that anxiety around sleep is causing my stress + +Even when I do have a good nights sleep I still feel nervous and can’t seem to calm down I’m always stuck in my head and can’t seem to enjoy the present moment because I’m always listening to my negative thoughts + +There have been so many things wich overwhelm me , like my moms 39 weeks pregnant with her 6th kid and my parents don’t have time to give me attention and they don’t believe that I’m struggling mentally. +And I’ve recently had a fall out with a friend and now she’s spreading rumours about me and my sister keeps body shaming me when I’m already struggling with body image and calories + +Everything makes me feel so overwhelmed and I don’t know how to cope anymore I have no adults I can tell this to except my parents who don’t give af and I have no family where I live + +Can someone pls give me advice",Stress +49424,"Why do I have so many symptoms for stress Not being able to manage my anger, my motivation going up and down, not wanting to do anything, doing random things with parts of my body as a ”tic” why have these all come to me when I am not very (thankully) not depressed?",Stress +49425,Today I’ve been on edge all day Work stresses me out and today was an easy day but all day I’ve been on edge in case something stupid happens at work. Ugh what a nice welcome back from the long weekend,Stress +49426,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49427,"Cold water immersion for stress relief I’m currently on day 12 of getting in ice water for 15 minutes/day. And I have to say it’s the most powerful stress reliever I’ve come across. I meditate minimum 30 minutes a day but nothing compares to cold water. + +I sleep like a baby and for the rest of the day feel calm and in control. + +I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon the benefits seem to far outweigh my being uncomfortable for the time in the water",Stress +49428,"Years of waking up nauseous +Someone I care about a lot wakes up nauseous every morning since he was about 6 years old(he is 21 years old now). Some days are worse, some days are a bit better but he always wakes up nauseous. It is probably because of stress or/and anxiety. I am trying to find people who have or had the same problem and what do you know about it? And did you ever get better?",Stress +49429,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49430,"8 Simple Tactics to improve your personality + +Personality is defined as the collection of behavior, attitude, and ways of expressing emotions that makes a person unique. We can identify if a person is with a good personality or not based on the outer expression of inner feelings. If you want to become a better and successful person in life, be it professional or personal, building up on personality is a good place to start. + +How is our personality developed? Our childhood environment and surrounding people i.e outer world influence our personality…[CONTINUE READING](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/26/8-simple-tactics-to-boost-your-personality/)",Stress +49431,"Can stress cause things like this? +Only meds I've tried is low grade anxiety meds. And I'm unsure what bloods. My doc ran more thursday, said he'd call if anything was different. They tested for that one thing that starts with a T that checks for damage in the heart or recent HA's. +And during the echocardiogram my Hr was 130. She noted it was fast but then 2 weeks later I get a call. Holter didn't show anything super concerning and the echo was fine. I am under tons of anxiety and stress but whatever is going on has had me bed ridden with neck pain, dizziness, headaches and heart discomfort . The fast HR and pounding feeling for literally months essentially with no breaks. My entire life has been Halted because I can't do anything. I take a shower and my heart goes a million miles an hour and my blood pressure goes to the 140's over 90. Brain fog and dizziness. Tinnitus like crazy and this weird whooshing sound and pain from my neck . +It all started with going to the doctor bc I had Thunderclap headaches after orgasm, which lasted everytime for 2 weeks then just stopped. Then I started feeling worse and that stopped but all this started. I've had an echocardiogram, several EKGs from the ER visits, an MRI 3 months ago no contrast, a CT with contrast of my chest and neck last month, a CT with contrast of my head last week. Noone can find anything. Only suggestion my doc had Thursday was potentially ICP and he looked worri3d that's what it was and said if I get a headache go to the er. Which I did 2 days ago to which they didn't do bloodwork but they did a CT and Xray . Tested my eye movement . Then gave me a shot and sent me home. +I obviously need to continue to see my doctor and will. Just 4 months of this I'm trying to reach out for things to recommend to my doctor to test for and try because they're struggling hard. The only things I can even think of personally anymore is craniocervical instability, anxiety, and maybe clogged artery issues. With the ICP he thought, which is phesable I have 95 percent of the symptoms but the numerous head CTs and the MRI showing no pressure(doesn't rule it out) and the fact that it's been 4 months since it all began and I've not stroked out or anything makes it seem not entirely sure for me personally. But I'm not a doc, ill continue to do what they tell me, but man if I can I wanna try to nudge them the right way",Stress +49432,"I’m a little scared I have had serious stress issues since December last year. Went on sick leave November tgis year and was slowly getting better. Apparently the holidays are making me a bit worse. On top of that my dog injured his paw and kept licking it. So now I have to deal with that too. + +I have been pretty bombed after celebrating Christmas yesterday. And felt quite devastated by all the things I need to do. + +After struggling to walk my dog tonight, rinse, soak and rinse his paw again, I started feeling a bit weird and faint. My vision is a bit weird too. +I talk, walk and move normally. But I’m a bit worried",Stress +49433,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49434,Anxiety Relief https://anxietyreliefrings.co.uk,Stress +49435,how to feel stress free? im not even sure how being stress free will feel but im trying to get to that point bc stress fucks up ur health. does anyone have any tips?,Stress +49436,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49437,"Am I stressed? This year me and my family and I have been kicked out of our home, we're living with my stepmoms mom. My father has a stable job, and so do I, but they don't pay well. My stepmom, after 6 years, has had 2 jobs. One ended after 2 weeks last month, and she just started one recently. We have to find another place to live by the end of next month and we are no where near close to that. My hair is falling out (200-500 strands a day, I've started minoxidil) and I'm constantly fluctuating in weight gain and loss. I can't stop vaping because my body needs the nicotine but at the same time it's potentially making my hair loss worse. A while back I tried to talk to them about the stress but they dismissed it as something but not stress. I'm not sure if what is happening to me is stress, or something entirely different so here I am + +TL/DR am I stressed because family got kicked out and we have barely a chance at getting someplace new?",Stress +49438,"Fidget Toys to Relieve Stress at Work I struggle with anxiety at work, and often find myself biting my nails or repeatedly clicking my pen as an outlet for my stress. At home, I use spinners and other various toys to keep my hands busy, but I feel silly bringing them into work, as a fidget spinner just doesn't seem fitting for the office environment. Are there any stress relief fidget toys/tools that you all use at work? Ideally something subtle and quiet! + +&#x200B; + +Thanks!",Stress +49439,Children Stress Me Out Is it fucked up to say that I liked kids way more before I got one? I cant handle or match their energy nor needs. It’s so much.,Stress +49440,"Survey on Situational Stress and Music (18 and up) I am a research student doing research on Situational Stress. Please help me and complete my survey for this project. Thank you! +[https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7](https://forms.gle/JDgUZQmLXRNCuFXD7)",Stress +49441,"How should I stop obsessing over songwriting? So I'm in a band, and as of right now we haven't made anything yet, but recently I've been really up for it about making music. As a result, I've been thinking, when I'm hanging about by myself, about what our music could sound like, and I'm pretty sure that's why I've got a headache right now. Like, a couple of hours ago I tried taking my mind off it by (for some reason) listening to one of my favourite albums and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was constantly thinking about what parts of it we should and shouldn't sound like. + +I can't see this allowing me to write anything at all ever, so in short, what should I do? also happy christmas :)",Stress +49442,"Stressed about my Stress Test! I have my first stress test in a few hours and I'm getting pretty nervous. I have a chronic migraine condition that gets triggered by exercise of any kind. My BP is 130/90 avg, down from 16/110 (thanks Losartan!) and my heart rate is averaging 120bpm, but it's also down from 140bpm. + +Should I bring someone with me? How strenuous does it get? I'll be in a hospital in case anything goes wrong, but the drive home is 20 minutes. + +Thanks 🙏",Stress +49443,"Can I Reduce My Stress By Changing My Diet I am feeling stress, I don't able my work because of stress. If you have solution then please suggest me. What should I do to reduces my stress?",Stress +49444,"Stress Relief Fidgeting App Hey everyone! + +We have developed a virtual fidget toys app, designed to maximize the benefits of fidgeting (like [stress and anxiety relief](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/14/well/move/why-fidgeting-is-good-medicine.html)) + +It is available in the App Store and Google Play for free, and we would really appreciate your feedback on it! + +App Store: [https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869](https://apps.apple.com/app/fidget-pro/id6443776869) + +Google Play: [https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.my.fidget) + +Thank you and have a great day :)",Stress +49445,What's the worst part about being stressed constantly? We all obviously understand that stress isn't healthy. But each of us experiences stress differently. What's the worst part about being stressed for you?,Stress +49446,"why college life is so stressful?? Im writing here to vent out my worries. +Sorry for writing something irrelevant. Hoping writing here might help lessen my worries. THANK YOU IF YOU STILL READ MY POST + +Hello I'm a first year post graduation student in department of orthodontics. +I love studying and doing clinical works.. Academically quite good when I was in undergrad. +But after joining post graduation program.. its stressing me out so much.. +First thing the professor.. they are not very helpful.(don't act as guide which they are supposed to be) second my seniors.. they always try to transfer their personal work onto juniors(me). +Third the expenses..( my dept wants to party all the time.. for which juniors (me) have to pay).. +I didn't sign up for all this shit.. +I joined to learn things.. +Man there are so many things which are stressing me out.. leading to Loss of concentrations and procrastination. I'm anxious all the time..worrying so much..",Stress +49447,"Why is life so expensive I make fucking $15 an hour. I live with my mom, her boyfriend, my older sister, her boyfriend, and their 3 kids. By the way, I'm a hospital janitor. I wipe up blood, piss, shit, other various body fluids for a living. Everyone at work has said give us a raise. They refuse every time. + +Guess who the only source of income is. + +What they don't understand is, on top of me paying rent and providing, I have my own shit to pay for, and being broke pretty much just means I'm gonna have to go in debt, god willing my upcoming paycheck is enough put me back in the positive... hell, I messed up my wrist like 5 months ago and got it looked at, all they said was ""yeah it'll be fine in time"" and I AM STILL GETTING BILLS FROM THEM. + +My family is always telling me to save up my money and get the fuck out. I couldn't agree more, I despise living with these people more than words can describe. But, if that was an option, I would have done it by now.",Stress +49448,"WHY GET ANGARY? Do you get angry when your child is not listening to you? Do you feel angry when your boss scolds you? Do you feel hurt when your team members are not achieving the target irrespective of your training? Anger is common. Well-managed anger can used be a constructive emotional tool that motivates you to make positive changes. It aids to keep a distance from toxic people and situations and creates a positive fire within us. + +If not dealt with it in a positive way or if we allow ourselves to prolong, it will lead to destructive results that take a toll on your he…..[Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/19/7-quotes-that-will-destroy-angar/)",Stress +49449,Deep Relaxation dissolves stress. What's have you found to be the best ways for you to relax?,Stress +49450,"Always feeling a pressure inside head I have this contant pressure like feeling in my brain. It's not exactly a headache but I always feel like my brain is not quite relaxed physically.It's like a weight over my head. I have tried meditation but ....it didn't really give me the desired output. I feel relieved only after my academic session is over or let's say I got really good grades/marks in my exams.i feel like the weight on my head got lifted. But it's not for long just a few days. When I start with my studies again I go into this state of mind where my head is constantly feeling heavy. It's being bothersome now as it effects my academics overall +How do I get out of this loop of heaviness and lightness in head? +Is this common? +Is it serious? +Any tips or advice or experience?",Stress +49451,"How to cope with stress when you barely know what causes it M16 I have been feeling like stressed and anxious lately for not really a any huge reason probably cus I have started looking after stuff that is wrong with me like my looks, personality hair and anything at al after my recent breakup how do I fix this? I have started going to the gym like six times per weeks and that helps me get my mind of thighs while I’m there and after when I get home or in school I feel incredibly stressed and anxious.",Stress +49452,low back quastion does anyone have low back pain on the left side that extends to the lower lower abdomen on the left,Stress +49453,Living here I’m stressed about my living situation. It’s hard. Being in a new city is harder. I’m not a self motivator.,Stress +49454,"Do you think you can be stressed/anxious and not notice? I'm talking more in a chronic sense. I've had anxiety for about 12 years now. Past 8 months have been the worst in my life, second only to being abused as a kid. + +I started having panic attacks that woke me up in the night (for no reason, like this was before the hell time) and then got diagnosed with GERD within the same month. Developed hypochondria. Had to move to a massive uni to get the degree I wanted, but I was sick and exhausted and working and struggled to make friends. So im alone all the time. And there's always something that's wrong. I had low grade good poisoning for weeks because I didn't notice a fridge issue. I got an ear infection. I still have pretty persistent vertigo, though it was getting better until I got a cold during my finals, of all times. + +And that's not factoring in the handful of deeply personal shit thats happened that I'm not going to blast all over the internet. + +I'm seeing a therapist. I'm not on medication because it scares me, and my psychiatrist agreed that it wasn't for the best, at least right now. + +I've developed fun little heart palpitations. They're terrifying. + +I'm wondering if im under such a high level of stress all the time that it's begun to just feel normal. Like I dont know what to do to ""calm down and relieve stress"" because to me, a good day is a day where I avoid a breakdown. + +I'd ask my therapist but im on holiday and can't see her until January. I'll probably ask her anyways but still.",Stress +49455,"NYU Langone Social Anxiety Research Study Do you get anxious in social situations? You may be eligible to participate in a study conducted by the Anxiety, Stress, and Prolonged Grief Program at NYU Langone Health. + +Eligible participants with Social Anxiety Disorder will be randomized to a 3-week intervention of cannabidiol (CBD) or placebo. Participation in this study requires 6 study visits over a month-long period, including several blood tests and an fMRI neuroimaging scan. Eligible participants will receive compensation for their time. + +If you are a right-handed person, between the ages of 18-45, and are interested in this study, please complete the prescreen survey here: [https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=CDWKR4K8DXLKF3TN).",Stress +49456,I found the solution to your stress at last! https://youtu.be/xbT9fyTc4Io,Stress +49457,"Constant stress about having a career Is it so bad that I just wanna be a SAHM. My parents are constantly asking me when I will get an accountant certification or degree, especially since I am 20. My aunts and uncles constantly ask me when I will start working because they say that one person working will be difficult if we try to save up money. Sometimes I feel like my peers look down on me for having a kid at a young age. I’m constantly being told that I have to get some of education, which I am but it’s not something that you can earn quickly. I am already struggling with my grades. Is it so bad that I am chilling at home for a bit and continuing my education at a slower pace. My childhood wasn’t the best and when I left home I had felt a weight come off of me. (I was a second mom for my five siblings) +My kid does not stress me like the outside world does.",Stress +49458,"Stomach pain Anybody else get horrible stomach/chest pain for days on end when immense stress is in your life? + +It's finals, and last year I had the same exact issue during finals. Stomach pain. I can only assume that it's bad heartburn ... I feel bloated like a dead animal in the blazing heat. Feels like a big sharp iron bit of metal is in there twisting and pulling at my organs + +It's impossible to move or eat and last time I went to the Dr about it they put me on an anti acid and sent me home + +I hope it's just stress, does anybody else get this???",Stress +49459,"I feel so alone with my problems. Rant. + +Everyone talks to me about their problems bc I'm ""a good listener."" But I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Then I get angry and frustrated with myself for feeling alone because there are people in my life. I don't lean on them because I'm afraid they can't handle it or that leaning on them will inevitably make my life harder. + +I live with my fiance, but he's had health struggles this year, as well as difficulties at work, so he has leaned on me daily, breaking down and panicking before work, calling me for 30-90 minutes a few times a week while I'm at work, breaking down when he gets home from work...after about 20 minutes each time I get overwhelmed and frustrated, but I signal anger. Then he says he feels like he has no support, so I feel like my efforts are wasted. + +I have my own problems. But I shove them down and go to work, clean the house, make dinner, basically do the things that need to be done every day. I shoulder the mental load in our household. + +My blood pressure has spiked the past few months. I've had a rash on my face for 2 months. I see doctors weekly for migraines and chronic back pain. My parents don't call me, my 2 closest friends both underwent cancer treatments this year, and my fiance is overwhelmed. I work from home, so my fiance is the only person I see each day. + +I feel so alone with my own problems. + +Rant over. Back to work.",Stress +49460,"exam stress i’m just looking for some words of kindness or experience here + +so i’m in grade 12 but i’m also doing a dual credit program so i have a lot on my plate. it’s also sick season so i’ve been off and on sick, i’ve had chem tests or la essays or assignments everyday and my dual credit exam is tomorrow. it’s a huge test and worth maybe 200 points so i’m terrified because i’ve never done such a large test in my life. i haven’t been able to write review notes (the exam is open book) because i’ve had to prioritize everything else. i plan on waking up at 4:00am tomorrow morning and i’ve already done 4 or so hours of studying. i’m super scared and feel over the top stressed.",Stress +49461,"I need help deciding I recently had an interview with an job and it went well. however, my grandma just recently got released from the hospital and I been told I should be a care worker for her since she relay on me the most. I can't really do two at once and I'm already busy most of the time. Idk if I really wanna do the job. + +What should I do?",Stress +49462,"What's the hardest part about staying positive? Hey reddit, I’m working on a project and am curious everyone’s thoughts. What's the hardest about **staying positive** when nothing seems to be going your way?",Stress +49463,"Canker sores around finals season Hello all; I'm a university student in my fourth year. Every time finals season rolls around, I find myself getting terrible canker sores (probably as a result of the stress, but it doesn't help that I need to drink energy drinks by the gallon in order to get the right amount of studying in). They're distracting and bothersome. Any tips on how to alleviate this?",Stress +49464,"How to fight PCOS with diet and nutrition? PCOS is described by one study as low-level chronic inflammation. Adding anti-inflammatory foods to your diet can help ease your symptoms. Consider the Mediterranean diet as an option. Olive oil, tomatoes, leafy greens, fatty fish like mackerel and tuna, and tree nuts all fight inflammation. fruits good for pcos will help to cure. + +[https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod](https://getsolvve.com/products/pcos-pcod)",Stress +49465,"Do you ever feel like anxiety and depression are a never-ending battle that you can't seem to win? Here are some ways to treat anxiety and depression! + +[https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression](https://movexstill.com/blog/what-are-the-symptoms-of-anxiety-and-depression)",Stress +49466,Is it normal to feel a gurgling in your chest specifically the left side. All my family keeps telling me oh it’s acid reflux it’s your anxiety but even when I don’t have my anxiety it happens.,Stress +49467,"Lets lose the fears + +Fear is a normal emotion that every human experiences when faced with physical or emotional threats. When a child rides a bicycle for the first time or when a fresher attends an interview or people go on a roller coaster, we are facing the fear of uncertainty. But when these emotions become intense or prolonged disturbing our thoughts and actions, it becomes anxiety. Then we need to take steps to overcome it. [Continue Reading](https://feellitent.wordpress.com/2022/12/13/5-ways-to-overcome-fear-of-change/)",Stress +49468,"Currently Enrolling Research Studies for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and/or Panic Disorder “Optimizing Exercise for the Treatment of Anxiety” + +The purpose of this study is to learn about the effects of different exercise regimens on anxiety and exercise engagement and adherence. If you are eligible for this study, you will complete a 2-month exercise intervention and 2 follow-up assessments (total duration 5-6 months). The exercise intervention will either include low intensity exercise only or a titration program in which you will start at low intensity exercise and work your way up to high intensity exercise. We also provide treatment referrals. + +**Key Eligibility Criteria:** + +* Adults ages 18 – 65 who have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and/or panic disorder +* Currently sedentary + +\* Your information will remain private. + +\* You will receive compensation for your time. + +To learn more about the study and to see if it is something you would be interested in and a good fit for, please fill out the following survey: + +[https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN](https://openredcap.nyumc.org/apps/redcap/surveys/?s=JN9WD4FTYN)",Stress +49469,"Announcement on our AMA with Dr. Tracey Marks Hey all, we’ve rescheduled our AMA with Dr Tracy Marks while we work out the technical logistics. + +&#x200B; + +This decision was not made lightly, but we do need more time to make sure that everything is set up and functioning correctly before we can go through with this event. We ask that you have patience at this time, and we will keep everyone updated on our timeline once we have everything situated. + +&#x200B; + +In the meantime, please check out Dr. Tracey Marks on [Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCL2QpphEeZFYwk6-WXD6hpA), as well as her [official website](https://markspsychiatry.com/). + +&#x200B; + +We thank you for your understanding and are looking forward to seeing everyone when we do have this event. + +&#x200B; + +The current date for the event is: **TBD**.",Bipolar +49470,"CHECK-IN WEDNESDAY ✅- March 22, 2023 How are you feeling so far this week? Let us know how you're doing. + +Share as much or as little as you're comfortable with (within the rule guidelines). + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11xzt6g)",Bipolar +49471,,Bipolar +49472,,Bipolar +49473,,Bipolar +49474,,Bipolar +49475,I'm so tired of being bipolar for the medication factor alone. I try to refill and stay on my medication but there's always an issue between cvs and my drs.office regarding some of my medications. The Dr office will say I have a refill in and then I'll go to CVS and they will say it's awaiting prescriber response and it can only be refilled with the drs approval. (it's Depakote) then I call back the Dr and they say no it's in there but they will call and NOTHING ever gets done. This has resulted in me multiple times being out of my medication when I need it overnight and now I'm up at 4 am. Listen I have to work tomorrow! I have a life. I can't just be up at 4 am feeling all weird and not being able to sleep. Should I change Drs or what??? Pissed off,Bipolar +49476,"Bf won’t have sex if I’m in mania Edit: Should have put MIXED in title. During mania - we need sex to straighten out sometimes. + +I’m on the end swing out of a mixed which has lasted about ten days. I wasn’t in psychosis or anything extreme. I’m not off my meds so it wasn’t super dramatic or anything. Worst thing I did was throw a cheeseburger into the sink when I got some bad news about my dog. + +So, we had sex last night and afterwards when we were cuddling in bed he kissed me and said “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you.” + +We chatted a bit more and he said he’s been dodging my sexual advances because I wasn’t feeling like myself and he felt wrong about pursuing anything sexual when I wasn’t my exact self. + +I hadn’t really put it together. I don’t think I’ve ever been so respected in my life. How does everyone else’s SO handle sex in mania or mixed?",Bipolar +49477,"I'm coming out of a hypomanic episode and need to talk about it. I've been hypomanic for the last 3 weeks. I'm medicated and I'm teetotal etc so it was relatively minor. But fuck me does the depression hit me like a ton of bricks. It's more physical than mental at first. My limbs get heavy. I have zero energy to get up and do simple things. I procrastinate. Skip a few meals. Not brush my teeth. Leave a chore that needs doing. Then in a few days I'll feel all the mental affects coming in. If I'm lucky I'll just be comatose for a month. But if a mixed state comes along then it's panic attacks, anxiety, despair and suicidal ideation. Fingers crossed it's just depression. + +The hypomania was alright this time around. I have spent a bit too much, worked a bit too hard, overshared a bit too much, socialised a bit too much. But no real damage this time. It was intense but kind of pleasant. But I can feel the dip is going to be huge. This is anecdotal but it feels like if my mania is under control (no psychosis and no mixed state) the depression part is deeper. Feel kind of quietly melancholic on an epic scale. If that makes any sense. + +It's going to be a slog for the next month. I should be happy I've got things under control I suppose. Anyone else want to share their experiences coming out of mania? It would make me feel better to hear others going through and surviving similar.",Bipolar +49478,"Childhood Emotional Abuse? I just read that bipolar disorder is linked to childhood emotional abuse. I was also reading about how narcissistic abuse, specifically, causes brain damage. Sadly, I think this is probably how I developed this disorder. Has anyone else experienced something similar?",Bipolar +49479,,Bipolar +49480,"today I cried in therapy because I’m tired of people worrying about me. I have confidence in my ability to take care of myself. I have been hospitalized twice and it was my decision both times. + +Now it’s a concern on whether I’m capable of moving out of my parents’ house. I’m a grown woman. I have a corporate job. I go to therapy. I go to groups. I take my meds. I have hobbies. + +Worrying is not the same as caring.",Bipolar +49481,"I keep missing my meds and honestly don't think I care anymore I've been so good about always taking my meds when I'm supposed to since I started treatment, but for the past few months I just can't seem to remember to take them like I'm supposed to. On top on that, I've gained so much weight since being on them and I'm just so fucking tired all day, every day. + +I'm just so over it all. Like everything. I haven't worked in like three years because I'll lose my insurance if I can even manage to find something I'm able to do. My only support system that understands what it's like (they have bp2) doesn't give a shit about me anymore so there goes that too. Getting to a breaking point and I'm scared. + +Just needed to vent.",Bipolar +49482,"So I got a Therapist… I haven’t had a full time therapist since I was 14, I am 35 about to be 36 in a month. I am scared, I was honest with her and told her my issues with therapy and meds as a child. I flat out told her about some of the suicidal ideation and that I am never going to go through with hit fir collateral emotional damage reasons to loved ones. I also told her that I don’t trust therapists and the reason I have avoided going is I am afraid someone would overreact to my dark thoughts. + +Anyway. Wish me luck. Next visit is second week of April.",Bipolar +49483,"I'd rather have cancer Then at least there'd be a hope of getting cured and resuming a mostly normal life. If I knew I just needed to push through the next few years of misery, and then it would be over one way or another, then I think I could do it. And if I did end up dying, at least it would be out of my control. No one judges or blames a person who dies of cancer. No one judges someone for dropping out of life completely to go through chemo. No one blames themselves for their kid dying of cancer. People have so much compassion and sympathy for people with cancer. Why is it that the same compassion isn't extended to people with incurable, lifelong, crippling mental illness? Why does someone's pain have to be cosmetically obvious for people to care, or even believe it's real? + +I talked about this with my mom, who barely survived her own cancer, and she agreed with me without hesitation. I at least feel grateful to have family that can understand and support me, a luxury I know many of us don't have.",Bipolar +49484,"Rant but not really,newly diagnosed but then again I’m not Hello all , I’m new here but I feel like I shouldn’t be lol +Yesterday was kind of a mental health day as I was talking to a social worker who was helping me find a new therapist. Long story short we got into my previous diagnosis’ and I told her mild depression , adhd and anxiety. Yes these are true but however the one that is relevant to this post that popped up that I didn’t know was bipolar. I end up contacting my previous psychiatrist because I did not recall him saying this ( I swear he didn’t ) and he said yes but it is unspecified. He diagnosed me because of my constant irritability and made a point to say today I may be in remission because I wasn’t as snappy as before. I honestly Just thought the things he would say would rub me the wrong way. Next week he’ll do a full evaluation. + +A few years back another therapist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder I forgot which , but I remember her say something of me being manic. I honestly don’t think she’s working anymore but I wanted this evaluation at the time because I believed I was bipolar starting around 13-16 years old. I had my reasons for it. Fast forward to last year my last psychologist said I was misdiagnosed and it was just adhd/add. I had mentioned my sex drive/hyper sexuality (which I may speak on in another post), my impulsive urges to do things, mood swings that can be intense, etc etc she said it was just a mixture of my depression and adhd. +So now here I am, and thinking back to the things I’ve done before and do now. These things I am trying to control and make sense of mainly the hyper sexuality I started to wonder if I was just a sex addict because of my habits and started looking into help to stop these things but yet my only problem is when I’m in the mood lol. +I’m at a point in life where I want a second opinion, or I just don’t want to believe or say I am even though I have the signs more than I’ve even mentioned.",Bipolar +49485,"Do you live in fear of being involuntarily hospitalized? I've been involuntarily hospitalized once and it saved my life. It was something I needed at the time. However, following my diagnosis, I worry that family members will use it against me if I'm acting in a way they don't approve of. I'm worried they'll tell police officers I'm ""mentally ill"" and that I'll be handcuffed and forcibly hospitalized. Is this fear realistic?",Bipolar +49486,"Trying to fix all the damage I caused Long story short, I was diagnosed with depression back in 2021 after a rough year and 2 failed suicide attempts December 2021. Physically and mentally I made a full recovery by May 2022, my ex of 7 years cheated on me in June and I surprisingly dealt with it really well. I’d been off work March-September due to factors outside my control which was stressful but again, I dealt with it well. I returned to work and on one of my first days back the most beautiful woman I had ever seen walked into the office. I’m a confident bloke but I was nervous AF! I spoke to her for a bit and thought there would be no way she would like me, fast forward a few hours later and she’d requested to follow me on instagram and we got chatting. We met shortly after for a date and it was like we’d know each other years, best date ever. From this point we both took it slow and just let things happen naturally. The connection we had was unlike any other and for both of us to feel the same was just unreal. I asked her to be my girlfriend in October and she was genuinely excited about it, this made me realise I’d found someone special. Shortly after this I had a serious family emergency and that was ongoing till January, she was my rock, my guardian angel throughout this whole ordeal. I’m 29 and I’ve cared for people a lot in relationships but never been in love despite them all being long term. I thought I was incapable but this woman changed that and she’s the first I’ve ever loved, and hopefully the last. On 02/01/23 the family emergency situation came to a close with expected but still devastated news. From this day on my mental health started to deteriorate but predictably, nothing too rapid. 05/01/23 I went over to my Nan’s house late at night after work to drop a birthday card off for her birthday the following day. I walked in to find her dead on the kitchen floor, this was the day I deteriorated rapidly. I needed my girlfriend desperately for support but I was just far too much to deal with. I wasn’t just depressed, this time it was different. I was awake 4-8 days regularly and would only sleep when I’d black out. I was exhausted but completely and utterly hyper fixated on anything that came into my head. Because it was my girlfriend who had become distant I stupidly bombarded her with messages begging for help and reminding her how much I love her. She wasn’t leaving me she just needed space and I could cope on my own. 20/02/23 2 men tried to steal my car and I managed to keep the car and defend myself but suffered some bad injuries in the process. I was hit 11 times with a knuckle duster and 40+ times by the other bloke with just his fists. I was left with 4 skull fractures, fractured orbital bone, broken nose and broke jaw. I’m an ex professional Muay Thai fighter so I’m used to a certain level of pain and discomfort but this was different, although I now have slurred speech, blind in my right eye and have lost substantial weight this hurt me mentally. I started to have panic attacks and I was going through episodes of what can only be described as mania and borderline psychosis. Again I continued begging my girlfriend for help and pushed her even further away, shortly after this she ended things. She made the right decision because I was horrendous and I was dragging her down. This present day I’m on the mend now and I barely remember any of it, the days all merged as one. It feels like someone else has been living/wrecking my life and last week I woke up and have been given it back. I’m now trying to fix all the damage I’ve caused, I’ve lost most of my friends, family and the love of my life. I’ll never give up on her but for now I can only love her from a distance. I hope one day soon she forgives me and wants to speak again but I also need to get some advice if anyone has experienced this before. I’ve spoke to numerous Dr’s in and outside the hospital but have just been dismissed as I struggle explaining it and play it down. Thanks in advance and apologies for the long read",Bipolar +49487,"Do you swallow your pills one by one or all at once? I’ve always taken them all at once along with my multivitamin and didn’t know so many people took them one by one. That seems so time consuming, especially when you have ten or more to take. I just put water in my mouth, lean back and let it sit in the back of my throat, toss the pills in, open my throat to swallow then drink some more water. Been doing that for over twenty years and never had any issues and never got any of them on my tongue with the nasty taste I hear about. Does anyone else take their pills like this?",Bipolar +49488,"Did everyone else get strip searched when they were sent to the mental hospital? Or went voluntarily ig. I didn’t. I felt like I was treated like a criminal I felt so violated. I wasn’t overweight I was fit at the time but it still felt so degrading. I remember liking how I looked as I took off my clothes and stood there. They just got all giggly and excited and said “ooh a blonde!“. After I literally hated my body I felt like it took everything sexual away from my body sorry tmi. I didn’t eat for 3 days after then binged on the worst hospital food. I wish I said no. It literally affected me a lot more than it should have but it was a week after I turned 18 so like it just felt weird to me. The age isn’t important it can feel weird to anyone idk im being salty. Idk it’s another late night and I can’t stop thinking about the mental hospital again even tho i was there almost a year ago :/. + + +I think about it less now tho which is good. Sorry I sound soooo grouchy I think everyone had to go thru this as well. Right?",Bipolar +49489,"Chicken or the egg? discussion! Hi everyone! + +I have a question that has been occupying my mind for a long time, and I hope that this will spark a discussion and we can get deeper into understanding bipolar and find some answers. Maybe some of you are wondering the same. + +The question: mostly during manic episodes when my mind is racing at an alarming pace I wonder if this is all caused after all by external factors that make me stressed out OR by the bipolar itself, so from within. Like, I'm starting to stress out because a situation occurs that is out of my control: turmoil in a relationship, some annoying interactions, things at work etc. Or I start stressing out because of a shift towards manic? + + This is where I'm lost: at times I think that because of the diagnosis I overthink the stress and anxious feelings; knowing and convinced about my diagnosis i fully inserted bipolar behavior into my own identity and it informs my actions? But we don't live in a sterile bubble, life is life and always something is happening. + + +For context: +during my manic state I start pacing, mind racing, increaced heart rate, twitches and intrusive thoughts. I start walking fast through streets almost running away from this, and I end up looking into passerbys eyes and then it's as if I'm being thrown into their lives, as if I live through their experience, I imagine how they act, what happened in their childhood, flashes into their daily routine, interactions, frustrations and happiness. And then I look at a window on some far away building, start imagining and experiencing the life of another person in a similar way. + Then I get thrown back into my body into reality and become more overwhelmed. Then it's my own memories of the past, then imagining my own future and so on. + + +The experience is intense and doesn't stop. When it wears off eventually I regain focus, calm and ability to think clearer. Happens periodically about every few months and lasts usually about a week, maybe 2(depending how I deal with it after the peak. It's not the most intense that happened but I don't wanna go in even more details, because this is already TL;DR + +Edit: I have been diagnosed by 4different doctors on 4 separate occasions, and rejected that idea for about 7 years until it became too unbearable and I was legit worried that this time I'm definitely not making it through. + + +So let's discuss the initial question! Would love to hear your thoughts about this chicken or the egg question and gain some insights!",Bipolar +49490,,Bipolar +49491,"Upgraded ADHD Based upon recent memes I made the 200% upgrade to my ADHD, which is now known as AD4K. This choice has been sponsored by my good friends hypomania and anxiety. Also I would like to thank my good friend and worst enemy caffeine addiction. + +No focus. Brain go woooooo. + +Anxiety is super overwhelming, sensory input is cranked up, and so are my emotions. This is the worst feeling ever! I love it! + +Later today I think I'm gonna ask my dad for help with finding a doctor who will actually help me. Maybe try to book an emergency appointment. Right now I'm gonna work on getting some work done and hopefully I can keep this up for a couple hours at least.",Bipolar +49492,"Failed medication change I'm on 1200mg lithium, 200 mg lamictal. +We're going to go down from 1200mg to 900 mg lithium and then increase the lamictal. + +It did not go well. Anxiety went up through the roof. Just super super bad. + +Then I went back on 1200 (per psych) and the anxiety started improving. Now it's coming back. + +I'm positive this is just my body's biochemistry adjusting back but wow this sucks. + +I just needed to vent.",Bipolar +49493,"Living a fulfilling life despite bipolar I really could use some success stories. Are you diagnosed yet still feel like your life is good, well balanced and you find it fulfilling? Tell me all about it please. I really need to hear some positive life stories",Bipolar +49494,"I need a support system and I'm scared of myself I'm 30F. Been diagnosed since I was 14. By SEVERAL doctors. My parents never ""agreed"" (as if there's something to agree on a medical diagnosis) so I was unmedicated for most of my life so far. This gave me a lot of time to figure when a phase was coming, what triggers it, but also a lot of time to do stuff I shouldn't, which hindered me greatly. Because of that, I only started living on my own when I was 24, and that's when I started medication. + +To help with all this I have PCOS (which triggers depression) and long periods (which trigger anemia), so when I get my period I get depressive episodes AND I am physically exhausted and depleted. Which causes me to sleep more, which causes me to go further into depression. + +My bf does his best to understand but it's all a bit beyond his grasp. My parents still don't recognize my situation, so they are of no support for me. I don't have many friends, and only one of them is actually supportive, but she has a rough life and is usually busy with lots of work or something similar. + +So, I'm on my own. I want to straighten up my sleep schedules, but I know I can only do that by decreasing the amount of sleep drastically, which will trigger a maniac episode. It's mostly mixed, not generally full blown mania, but it does get there sometimes and it's like a kinder egg, you only know what you got when you open the box. So it can either go ""let's get the house deep cleaned"" or ""let's blow up our credit card, take on 76 projects I won't complete and f*ck the neighborhood"". You never know. + +So I'm scared to get my sh!t together, basically. And I feel lonely in all this...",Bipolar +49495,"i loved mania but… the creativity i had was second to none. i was often sad that i wouldn’t experience that creativity and passion again but… i am. everyday. it’s beautiful. i realized, that all that fun stuff is still in my head and accessible. we are all geniuses! had this revelation while walking around miami on 0 hours of sleep. does anyone have any recommendations on what i should do to avoid a manic episode? i will call my psychiatrist and let her know. i’m medicated on Abilify.",Bipolar +49496,"Lamictal and delayed period? Any correlation? I recently got back on lamictal 3/14, I was supposed to get my period a few days ago and so far still nothing. From what I remember the last time I was on lamictal I never had an issues with it affecting my period but things could be different this time around. Has anyone with a uterus experienced a delay in their period as a side affect of lamictal?",Bipolar +49497,Constant Drowsiness on meds? Does anyone else experience this? I can’t really describe it other than it feels like I can’t keep my eyes open or concentrate- it’s not just feeling tired. I’ve gone down in dosages three times and am still having this problem. All else seems okay though? From what I’ve read online drowsiness is common with bipolar meds but I haven’t seen any suggestions to help it?,Bipolar +49498,Yup. Done. Literally never been so fucked up in my 10 years or treatment and meds. I am honestly having a hard time imagining waking up tomorrow. I just want some fucking peace. I want all my pain to go away.,Bipolar +49499,"Online Support Groups Does anyone have experience with DBSA or other support groups? More specifically, online support groups? Are they helpful? There seems to be nothing available in south Mississippi and I am really struggling and would like to connect with others like me. I’m just way too isolated and it’s taking a significant toll on my health (mental and physical). All suggestions welcome.",Bipolar +49500,"Spring time and mood changes Diagnosed bipolar 1. +I never realized how the seasons really effect my mood . But spring time always seems to bring a change in me . These past two weeks have been rough especially with the time change. But for the first time I’ve realized myself becoming manic. Luckily it didn’t get to that point . But it could of . Anyone else going through it during the change of seasons ? +And what do you do to cope ?",Bipolar +49501,"Transfer of care request denied (UK) please help advice needed I have been under the care of a community mental health team for 10 years for my bipolar and GAD, I recently moved across the country so my psychiatrist put in a transfer of care request to a mental health clinic in the city I live now. I just received a letter from this new place saying my transfer of care request has been denied because my psychiatrist stated I was stable so they are discharging me to my GP now. + +This can’t be right surely? not only because I have bipolar and need regular appointments with a psychiatrist to monitor/manage my medication etc, but I’m also unemployed and the mental health team were just about to help me with preparing to slowly get back to work starting with volunteering, they told me this new clinic would help me with this and now that won’t be happening I feel completely left in the lurch. How am I supposed to work or do anything without their support? I don’t know what to do, the letter sounded very firm and final about this but my psychiatrist was adamant I would continue to receive support from CMHT. Please help",Bipolar +49502,"Having to start over is killing me. Who has successful rebuilt their life after mania? Especially if you have a low stress tolerance. Mania ruined my life I miss my old life the way things use to be I work so hard for everything and went thru so much in life just to destroy it all. Now it’s been almost 5 month and I try to start over went to a new school and trying to make new friends everything and it hurts so bad because it doesn’t compare to the life I use to have. I need some help. How do you rebuild everything! + +I cry everyday after I leave class because it hurts so much that my college degree extended by another 2 years and the anxiety of wondering if I can do it. This hurts so much how do you rebuild your life after mania it like I keep trying and it just ends up upsetting me.",Bipolar +49503,"How do you guys deal with making mistakes? I (32 f) can't seem to handle even the tiniest mistake. I made a mistake whilst driving today, nothing bad happened, just received an excessive amount of horn honking, I didn't do anything horrific but I just can't get over it. I feel like I should just quit driving altogether. It's been the same all of my life, I still die inside on an almost daily basis because of mistakes I made when I was a teenager.. I'm just looking for some coping mechanisms if anyone has any",Bipolar +49504,,Bipolar +49505,"Do you guys dwell on the past and past interactions? I used to be a cosmetologist, and for a while was really good at it until this illness drug me into the depths of hell, I made a few mistakes when I was at my absolute worst (nothing like them losing all of their hair or anything major) but a couple of years ago I went to pick up a pizza and the girl very angrily said, ""I think you did my hair once."" And all I could say was, ""That must have been a couple of years ago.."" and she said ""Yeah about 3"" and sounded PISSED. I keep replaying this even though I haven't done hair since 2017. It plays over and over in my mind telling me I am worthless. I am now pursuing a career in graphic design and my failure of my hair career (I was fired at Christmas time, they told me we were going to be decorating for Christmas, but instead it was a meeting to fire me...even brought in the owner's father to pray over me...which sent me into a major freak out resulting in an ambulance being called) anyway, my mind keeps replaying the loss of my career that I once was so good at...and telling me what a POS I am and that I won't ever be good at anything again. Do you guys go through this?",Bipolar +49506,"I accidentally double-dosed Lamictal and Seroquel I'm sitting in my kitchen - not at work - because I accidentally double-dosed my meds last night. I was absent minded and totally didn't remember if I had taken them or not. I didn't want to *not* take them, so I took them not knowing if it would be a double dose or not. + +&#x200B; + +When I woke up this morning, I realized that yes, it was a double dose. I was speaking incoherently, it took me forever to write the text message to my boss, and walking to the bathroom felt incredibly laborious. I fell back asleep for five more hours. + +&#x200B; + +Right now, my biggest side effect is slower breathing. Not too slow where I'm worried, but slow enough that it's different and I'm noticing it. + +&#x200B; + +I was really, really worried for a spell, but I know that this will work it's way through my body and I'll be back to normal shortly. I'm going to go fall back asleep again and hopefully wake up feeling better. + +&#x200B; + +I found some comfort searching bipolar reddit yesterday, so I hope that sharing my experience is helpful to someone. I'm fine, I will be fine, and I'm just going to take it really slow and take good care of myself today. Oh, and be more careful about taking my pills.",Bipolar +49507,"How to get motivated to workout when depressed? Basically what it says in the title. + +In theory, I know exercise helps with symptoms, and I like going to the gym when I'm not in the depths of depression. However, when I'm depressed, it's nearly impossible for me to motivate myself to go even semi-consistently. I get stuck doing nothing. I have trouble getting myself to put my gym clothes on, let alone actually walking there and completing a workout. + +Also, I don't experience much, if any, of the usual pleasure I get after I work out (normally I'd feel better afterwards) when I'm depressed, so it's pretty hard to convince myself to do it because ""I'll feel better later"". + +I've tried going for longer walks and other stuff, but if I'm honest dragging myself around my city in the rain alone with my dark thoughts doesn't help much. I go out most days with my dog, but when it gets bad I can't even begin to face it. + +I know I sound like I'm being lazy and dramatic, but I'm serious. I really can't stand the idea of getting up, putting on my clothes, putting on my shoes, getting my dog ready, finding my keys, finding my phone, putting on my coat, locking up, going down the stairs in my apartment building, walking for 40 minutes, climbing the stairs again, then unlocking my door and going in. I get stuck between steps and find myself outside alone in the cold too sad to walk home, or staring at the stairs (pun) in my building unable to drag myself up them. + +I get psychomotor slowing when I'm really bad. It's physically difficult to walk. It feels like my body is made of lead. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to complete an activity that would normally take me half that time. + +For people who've been able to push through this and get themselves to exercise, how?",Bipolar +49508,How do we celebrate/recognize International Bipolar Day (March 30th)? Have it on my calendar that International Bipolar Day is a week from today. Wondering if anyone has ways they commemorate the day. Is it meant as a day to spread awareness and destigmatize the condition?,Bipolar +49509,"Alcohol and sobriety Has anyone had any luck staying sober for a long period of time? +My partner and his family drink often. I really want to stay sober but I feel I won't be fun or the person he met 9 years ago if I don't drink. When I do drink I can black out and or do things I regret and it messes with my stability. How have you handled going to social events sober and still having a good time ?",Bipolar +49510,"I’m too tired I am tired of my mental health and doctors visit is and therapy and meds. I hate being stressed out working 14 hours in a stressful job and working my weekends . I’m tired feeling like a failure. I’m tired of feeling invcovoe to feeling nothing. I’m tired of having memeroeiw come back of my spouse hitting me and belittling me. I’m tired of fearing a horrible manic episode ruining my life. + +I hate feeling like some kind of whore. I hate the things I did with my body with others when I wanted help. I hate that I only seem to be out of breath trying to run to just get by. + +I feel like I cannot get out of a cycle. And after trying to take my life at various times, it starts feeling more like not that big of deal to just try again. + +I feel so confused and upset that I have lived in such a closeted way. And when I try to hide all about my sexuality, it is like people can just smell it off me and sometimes just seem to prey on it and come after me for it. + +I’m exhausted. Too exhausted and tired of so many things.",Bipolar +49511,Lowering dose of Latuda I have been stable for 2 years now and titrated my Latuda down from 60 mg to 40 mg because I was oversleeping. It’s much better now but I want to talk to my doctor about reducing it down to 20 mg to make the sleep even better. Is 20 mg a maintenance dose for bipolar type 1? I’m confused why my doctor prescribed me Latuda when I don’t experience depression symptoms and only had one manic episode a couple years ago.,Bipolar +49512,"Man I really want to get a cat Man I want a cat, one of family members has 2 rag doll cats that I pet sit for a few weeks at time when he travels. When those cats leave the loneliness really starts hitting me. Some days I don’t want to talk to anyone, but having a cat near helps with being by myself. I love cats man, so cute. I got some good friends but no girl, so a fluffy cat to snuggle with would make my day.",Bipolar +49513,"Fear of being happy Every time I start to become happy, to work on something, to even obsess a bit about it I’m scared I’m becoming hypomanic and that I should do something to control it. It an awful feeling: being afraid of happiness cause you don’t know what it can turn into. As this even happened to you?",Bipolar +49514,"I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1. Looking for advice and tips? I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 today and this is all new to me. I'm on medication for bipolar and an antidepressant as well as an anxiety medication. + +Any advice for someone just diagnosed would be greatly appreciated",Bipolar +49515,"Starting Strattera on top of bipolar meds. Anyone on Strattera? Psychiatrist wanted me to try Strattera because he thinks stimulant most likely will cause anxiety or manic. Anyone experienced manic while on Strattera? What was your experience like with this med? + +I’m on Latuda, Wellbutrin, Seroquel and clonazepam. Anyone try Strattera with any one these meds?",Bipolar +49516,"i’ve had a rough week :/ this is literally just me going to vent bc i don’t have anyone rn and i feel like talking to a community that knows what i might be going through is more comforting than talking to people who i know aren’t going to get it or will worry them. + +so last Thursday my friend and I got into a big fight over me not answering my phone , the jist of that is i was called selfish and told i throw a pity party for myself every time I talk about my relationship with my mother ( it’s bad and has only gotten worse as im am adult now ) as well as her insinuating that i undermine their relationship with their parents ( which i do not , because that is not the type of person i am for whatever that’s worth ) and it ended with us blocking each other which is something i initiated bc I couldn’t deal with how uncommunicative she was being it alone interfered with a lot of other plans, like us going to prom together so now im torn about even going to that since it’ll be my senior prom but then the idea of being outside is to much + +so that Monday was my birthday and I had invited two other friends of mine , one of which I was supposed to be moving in with and had been planning to do so for years only for her to tell me the night i turn 18 that she doesn’t see it being realistic , which is fair and I’m not angry with her but it just seems like my life is falling apart , and I know in the future this won’t even matter but i am having borderline suicidal thoughts and can feel my depression getting so ugly that I can’t even look in mirrors or think about my future. + +i feel really lost and I’m trying to stay positive and have my perspective be that of gratitude but I’m struggling and im just so fucking scared about what I’m going to do in my life. I was thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend but I can’t even trust that the thought is mine or just my brain going into overdrive. I can’t even look people in the eye anymore . I just want to sleep and I want to run away and just go somewhere but I know that’s my avoidance talking. + +don’t really know why im posting this , i think maybe I want to hear about your stories of overcoming things and getting to where you are now or just to know somebody else understands.",Bipolar +49517,"For functioning: more frequent regular tharapy or occupational tharapy? I’ve been struggling with daily functioning. See the cluster fuck of a last post I had on here as case in point. I’m not working because of PTSD plus bipolar making my brain panic mush. I’m doing better than I have with episodes in the past. I’m getting out of bed. I’m doing care for my little family, my husband and pets. I’m mostly taking care of the kitchen and all food related things for the household. + +I’m just resting a whole hell of a lot more than I want to. I’m wasting away my day with nothing good to show for it. Probably 50% of the time I’m awake I’m in bed or sitting somewhere comfortable doom scrolling. I need to provide income so we’re not so tight on money. After consulting the hive mind of my friends and family everyone and myself have concluded that I need to start a business. I have an idea I’d like to track down but I can’t get going. It’s become an extended issue. I just can’t get going. + +I have a tharapist I love and I can’t decide if I need to see her more often to work on this. Or if I need to go to occupational tharapy. I’ve done occupational tharapy in the past and found if useful, but I’m not convinced it would be a second time. + +I’ve met my deductible so more tharapy with my regular tharapist is free. Tharapy with occupational I’d have to find in network. I live in a rural area so unless I can get virtual from the metro in my state it might be difficult to find something that’s covered…",Bipolar +49518,"I feel like I'm subtly giving up and I can't stop Background: I'm bipolar 2. I'm a 42 year old man. In addition to the bipolar, I'm autistic and have been severely abused throughout my life. My wife left me suddenly and with no warning after 15 years of marriage. I'm still in love with her despite her cheating on me twice. I blamed myself, but it doesn't change anything. She also left me with both of our kids, who I love a lot, they're 10 and 15. We've decided to slow date again, and see if we can actually be together, but she's already saying it's hopeless before the first date. Yeah, I know, it's a really bad sign, but I have to try for me. + +Now: I can't stop sobbing all the time. Like hard, hurt sobbing. I'm in therapy and I'm on meds. I'm not actively suicidal, but I am starting to worry that I might be slipping into a suicidal trance. I think about it daily and I keep pushing the kids into my brain to stop it. I don't really have anyone to talk to because of the aforementioned marriage, there's a lot there and a LOT of people would tell me don't give her a second chance, including my 15 year old. I feel so fucking stupid for still loving her despite the harm she's caused me. But let's get back on subject. Today, when I was signing out of work on Slack I typed ""Bye"" to my boss unconsciously, I've never done that before, it's always been, ""See you Monday,"" or something else. I held my 3 cats each in turn today and just wept and hugged them. I wandered around the house (I work from home) after work and just felt melancholic and went into each of the rooms and thought about memories in that room. I don't know what my brain is trying to get me ready for, but I'm scared of myself right now. I can't really talk about it out loud to too many people because if the divorce goes forward I might lose custody of the kids because of it, even though they've both said they want to be with me and she is the one who left. So here I am. I don't know what is happening, I'm scared and I have no where to really turn at the moment.",Bipolar +49519,"Lamictal Hair? Ok, kids. I switch over to Lamictal from Dep several years ago. I'm pretty stable on it, but I think I scored a weird little side effect and I'm curious about how widespread it is. My hair went from having a slight wave to it to being decidedly curly. Google ""research"" seems to indicate that this is a possibility. Has anyone else noticed changes in their hair after taking it for awhile?",Bipolar +49520,,Bipolar +49521,I can’t believe I’m like this forever I can’t believe this is real and this is me. I am bipolar and I’ve always know but it’s just crazy to have it reiterated to you. I am going to have to be like this forever. On meds forever. In therapy forever. It’s so fucking over whelming. Knowing none of my relationships will ever be stable fucking hurts,Bipolar +49522,feeling better on lower dose of meds? so i’m moving from lamotrigine to lithium and in order to do so my dose has been cut in half for a week. i’m moving to lithium because lamotrigine has been making me more depressed but i’m three days in and since i’ve been taking a lower dose i don’t necessarily feel hypomanic (sometimes i don’t detect it right away but theres not really my usual warning signs) and i don’t know if maybe i’ve been taking too high of a dose or if it’s just like one of the cases where someone goes off their meds and thinks they’re doing better than ever but is actually manic and can’t see it 😅,Bipolar +49523,"Recently diagnosed 24yoF. I was recently diagnosed this past December. Bipolar (and other mental illnesses) runs genetically on my mothers side of the family (i didn’t get to know my mom she died) her sister is bipolar, but she is a very heavy meth addict, so i dont really go to her for advice or support. My dad is one of those people that don’t believe in a mental illness. My doctor has given me a low dose Seroquel/cymbalta combo and it does help 75% of the time. I also started a new job, i used to be a medical assistant, but i honestly think it made my condition so much worse. I think i always showed signs of being bipolar but never recognized them. But when i was a medical assistant i think it made me so much worse. I’m here because is anyone else’s mania miserable? When I’m manic it’s like I’m so overwhelmed with adrenaline. I cant sleep, extreme irritation/rage and horrible anxiety. How have you learned to tell the difference between how you actually truly feel, and when your being irrational? Is it possible to have a successful/stable relationship when your bipolar? Sometimes i just feel like when my feelings are so strong and intense i am such a toxic person and it’s gross, and i want to fix it.",Bipolar +49524,"What kind of therapy do you do? I haven't had a therapist for a while because I felt like it wasn't working for me. I am very self aware which just seems to make it difficult. I can describe my feelings and thoughts well so they don't understand why I'm struggling. It's like, just because I can articulate it or locate the source of the problem doesn't mean I'm actually working through it. Does anyone else have this problem? I feel like I haven't found a therapist that really gets it yet so I barely make any progress.",Bipolar +49525,"Losing friends over diagnosis? Just semi recently some people who I considered long time friends and I truly believe it’s because I was being more open about my diagnosis. For context they has DID and alters and I tried to accommodate for them as much as I could. Yet they randomly removed me after we spent a few weeks together (it was a visit) +I don’t really know what went wrong as I took my meds and I have a passive nature in general. No manic outbursts or emotional ones at all. We all were laughing and having a great time laughing and doing fun activities. But as soon as I got home one of them just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. And I truly believe it was discriminatory behavior because I would bring up my diagnosis/ make jokes of because they would do the same. (Making jokes of my diagnosis helps me cope in a way) It took me bit to collect myself but I’m doing a whole lot better with therapy now that they’re not in my life anymore. They were also very against seeking medical advice for mental illness and rather get high and not address their issues with a professional. Has anyone else here ever lost close friends that backstabbed you over your diagnosis? Or is it better for people with this disease to just keep everyone at arms length and give the cold shoulder out of fear of discrimination or assumptions on what they think bipolar is? Most people don’t judge by the content of your character anymore and it’s so incredibly sad it has to be that way",Bipolar +49526,"Is it possible to turn your life around if you hate every waking moment of it. After finally coming to terms with the fact that mania has ruined everything good I’ve worked so hard for in my life, I’m recommitted to bettering myself. Only issue is I keep comparing my current situation to the past when tunings were good. + +I really want to graduate college. I do. I went for three years. However, now, I cry after every class and have panic attacks at the thought of having to do the work and/or study to get through it. Not to mention that my program of study is going to take 2.5 years to complete and I have no motivation. + +I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m miserable if I just sit home and do nothing and I’m miserable when I go out and actually try something. Advice?? 😞",Bipolar +49527,"my bipolar is mostly just ✨spicy depression ✨ Sure, I get some highs (cyclothymia) but at this point most of my short life was spent in depression. + +I tried most flavours of depression : there is the burnt out one, the high functioning one, the low functioning one, the one where you lay in bed for weeks, the one where you pretend everything is fine but you just stare at a blank wall all day, the one where you can't speak anymore, etc + +And I only got a sprinkle of highs. I know I shouldn't wish for more highs but the lows are so goddamn low, I just want to get at level 0. Hypomania is not a side dish in my plate : it's barely a spice. + +So spicy depression is my lot. I feel I'm always pretending to believe it's gonna be okay. + +So yeah. Bad day today. Bad meal. + +Maybe I'm just a terrible cook.",Bipolar +49528,"Maintaining my own mental health while helping a friend I have bipolar disorder with a comorbid anxiety disorder. I became symptomatic around the time I was 13 and was diagnosed at 19. I’m turning 40 in a few months so I’ve suffered/lived/almost died/laughed through this illness for over 2 decades. I have a friend who I will call Amy. Amy was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety after a stressful life event. Amy knows about my diagnoses and we are very close, so she has turned to me for questions and emotional support. I love Amy. I want to support Amy the best I can. But the amount of emotional support she is asking for is starting to drain my own mental health resources for staying stable. Additionally, Amy makes a lot of comments about our experiences being the same and she “gets what’s it’s like for me now” when she very clearly does not. She is not making these comments from a place of ill intentions. I know mental illness is not a contest and mental health treatment is important for everyone. However, I have started to internalize it as “Amy is downplaying everything I’ve been through.” Does anyone have any advice on how I can support Amy while protecting your own mental health?",Bipolar +49529,"impulsive while depressed I feel like I always get impulsive when manic, but also impulsive when depressed. I relapse on drugs more when depressed and I do more risky behaviors in an effort to feel something better then how I feel. + +When I’m depressed I’m Impulsive in order to escape the feeling I have vs when I’m manic I’m impulsive because I don’t think things through and everything is a good idea that needs to be done then and now.",Bipolar +49530,"Happiness After 15 years of misery, trying countless meds, being hospitalized multiple times, enduring 4 suicide attempts, I have achieved happiness and peace. My life is not perfect, there are things I still want to acheive. But the old me is gone. I am no longer a slave to the conventional desires of life. I want to spend the remaining time studying religion, philosophy, and happiness. And no I am not going to quit my day job.",Bipolar +49531,"food as the main coping mechanism I eat a lot, more after I started my meds. When I am stressed or under pressure I have a big appetite for food like sweets. I eat even more when manic even tho I am not hungry. I think I do it cause I have control over it, but I see now how out of control it has gotten. I gained like 40 kg in 1 year and I am so unhappy with myself. I wish I could loos them kg over night. But the appetite never gets away and I eat again. It is vicious circle.",Bipolar +49532,"Insecure in relationship - TW: suicide I had a serious suicide attempt a few days ago where my bf had to call an ambulance and I was in the ICU for a couple of days. My bf had already been through one (minor) attempt with me 6 months ago. He was really upset this time and told me that if I have another attempt he won’t be sticking around, it has to stop, it’s too much for him. He also said I can’t self harm anymore or the relationship will be done. We’ve talked about getting engaged before, and he says he will need to see me 100% clean for a while before considering marriage now as he doesn’t want to have to get a divorce if I relapse—he is full on serious about this ultimatum. + +I’ve never felt insecure in our relationship until now. I feel threatened, I can’t guarantee that I won’t have another attempt or self harm relapse for the rest of my life. He is the sweetest, most supportive, loving and caring bf I have ever had and I want spend the rest of my life with him, but now I feel like it’s inevitable that I will lose him. I feel heartbroken already. I’m scared of losing my person. + +Any advice or words of comfort are welcome. I just needed to get this off my chest.",Bipolar +49533,"What do you do to help with taking meds? I’ll go first: i take my meds at night. + +I have a 10 section pill box where I pre cut my blister packs into individual portions and put them into the sections, which I stick a small blank sticker on top of each section of the pill box ; on the sticker I write the date next to the day of the week. So for example “24/Fri” or “26/Sat” so on and so forth. + +This way I know at a glance whether I’ve taken the pills for the day or not (or whether I’ve missed a day of meds)",Bipolar +49534,,Bipolar +49535,"Spiraling My best friend and emotional support companion, Lucky the cat, passed away on Tuesday of an undiagnosed brain tumor. I’ve been struggling with a major depression episode for a bit but this is so much more than I know how to take. I’m meeting with my therapist on Monday, but it hurts, and I miss my fur baby so much…",Bipolar +49536,,Bipolar +49537,"Can mania permanently alter the way you react to different drugs? Benzos don’t work for me anymore. I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine + +It’s also changed the way I react to nicotine, I get way more buzzed than I used to. I know nicotine isn’t good but I’ve been using it as a temporary replacement for my benzos until I find out what’s happening. + +Also I know it’s implied but just to be clear I only had benzos on an as needed basis",Bipolar +49538,AWARENESS DURING PSYCHOTIC MANIC EPISODE I have been wondering for a while how much self awareness do you people have during manic episode or is it nearly non existent because i don't mostly remember doing some stuff I must have done while i was manic but my friends and siblings always have video proofs of it.,Bipolar +49539,Every. Single. Time. Every single time I think I’m getting better I’m just not. I thought I was healing but really I was masking my depressive symptoms with drugs. Now I’ve ran out of drugs to binge on and I can feel myself spiralling into mania and I don’t wanna sectioned again I just can’t please someone help me,Bipolar +49540,"Tiredness relieved ON Medication I have seen a lot of posts with the inverse saying there medication makes them fatigued. But recently I took Zyprexa for 2 months (and thought I would be fine off medication, and didn't like the sex side effects) and on it I felt totally normal and also stopped taking naps. My fear of fatigue, tiredness, and sleepiness was essentially gone. + +Now I am back to crying all the time, napping all the time and exhausted. I am 36 and have been bipolar my whole life but I did make it 12 years off meds before recently taking them. I don't ever remember being that tired. I had no idea depression could do that to someone. I want to sleep all day. I hate it.",Bipolar +49541,,Bipolar +49542,"Snake oil Saleswoman at work is triggering me very hard She's talking about how her and her partner use energy healing and using frequencies and tapping into the multidimensional levels of consciousness to heal the body mind and spirit. + +Apparently all mental health diagnosis are bullshit and all you need is some energy healing to address their physical, mental and spiritual issues. Also apparently my past lives are continuing trauma as well. + +Western medicine is bullshit and so is therapy apparently. + +I'm so upset. All of this sounds like my psychosis and hearing it from someone who sounds sound of mind is so confusing and upsetting. I thought I was having a spiritual awakening and having that ripped away from medication and a diagnosis was really upsetting. + +I'm stable now and wouldn't ditch my meds ever but hearing stuff like this makes me feel like I'm broken. + +Edit for anyone who cares: I'm sorry for being disrespectful of other cultures who utilize these methods. To be honest I meditate and have explored a lot of what she was talking about and found some comfort in it for a while. My main issue is her completely discounting modern medicine and who knows how many people are running around having episodes thinking they are operating at a God frequency because of people like her. Won't apologize for using the term snake oil Saleswoman because if the shoe fits...🤷",Bipolar +49543,"Overwhelming sense of death I have this overwhelming sense that I'm going to die soon. It's not a fear, I just... like. This is it. This is where it ends. + + +I have no idea why but I cannot shake it. + + +Should add I also am starting to get the like.... weird staticy feeling I start to get when the psychosis symptoms start to play up",Bipolar +49544,"Finally in Remission Hi everyone! Got back from a trip to Denmark last Friday and currently hypomanic at home. It was a rough week but I’m interested in support right now. + +I’m doing fine meaning I have my family and friends around me. I‘ve been on meds for 11 years but I missed them twice in Copenhagen and drank because I was anxious. I went solo after being sober for 5 months. I’ve never been to Europe before so it was all a bad combination. Now I know my trigger for drinking: anxiety. I see my therapist on Monday. + +I’m being told I’m doing everything right but I still get scared it will be as bad as my last episode.",Bipolar +49545,"Feeling down again Hi everyone, idk I think this is just ranty but need to move this energy into something else. Been feeling so so down especially these last few weeks. We upped my Wellbutrin so hopefully that helps. Everything just feels so pointless and I’m really struggling to find a reason why I should even be here. I thought that school motivated me but now I’m just repulsed having to do school work even if it’s about something that I used to enjoy reading/writing about. Do I even want to major in this anymore? Do I even want to do this career?? Do I even want to do ANYTHING? Nothing is fun anymore, I can barely find the motivation to play my favorite games. I usually just end up laying in my bed with my phone or watching the same show everyday. What are you supposed to do when nothing sounds appealing to do? + +Work fucking sucks all the time, which makes me sad because I really loved this job. It’s taking everything in me to not just go cry in the bathroom after every single customer interaction. And then I feel guilty because they pay me well and provide great benefits so I should be thankful right? Idek WHY it sucks, customers aren’t that bad and my coworkers are cool enough. The work itself isn’t hard or boring. But I just don’t even want to work. But then when I’m home I don’t want to be there either and I feel like a piece of shit for laying in bed all day. + +Idk, I’m not gonna do anything but it’s been *really* hard to want to be here anymore. I don’t want to tell my therapist cuz tbh a stay in a psych ward sounds substantially boring and lonely. And I would miss my partner too much. And my cat. I *think* about stuff I should/could do to improve my life and it’s an endless cycle: thinking of all the great things I should do tomorrow (exercising, rearranging my bedroom to be more comfortable, whatever). Then I wake up and do none of it. And feel bad all day. Sometimes I wish I was manic just so I could feel something other than shitty. But mania sucks too so?? Sorry, I’ll get off the soap box now I just wanted to scream my sadness into the Internet void.",Bipolar +49546,"Manic and can’t sleep I was literally depressed-ish for like a week where all I could do is lay in bed and rewatch shameless (got through a season a day, that’s like 11 hours of tv a day 💀) but I started my new job today (which went well!) and at some point it turned to mania and I’m so tired and took so much sleep stuff but I can’t sleep or relax at all I’m so thriving can you tell live laugh love",Bipolar +49547,,Bipolar +49548,,Bipolar +49549,"I don't know how to be present in the moment and time slips away I feel restless from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed, i am an artist for a living and i use to enjoy making art. Let alone self care like long showers and making a nice meal. Everything feels rushed, like time is running out. I'm never fully present when doing things and i always find my mind wandering and not focusing on the task at hand. Mentally i'm scattered with just about everything and executive function is non existent. I want my life back and I want to feel like I have time. Even if I tell myself I have time I can't just sit down and have my mind stop too. My mind never stops even if my body can't keep going",Bipolar +49550,"Being the crazy lady I’m 61 now and was diagnosed bipolar 1 at 28. It’s quite severe, I get psychotic and inhabit a whole alternate reality. Despite taking meds religiously all these years, and trying so many different combos, I still average one manic episode per year and they can go on for months. The consequences of the episodes have been serious, especially when younger. I haven’t been able to hold a job and am on disability. + +Unlike many of you that I see here I am often not able to ‘catch’ myself, and once it’s at a certain point I lose all insight and am belligerent if people try to suggest I’m not ok. Last year I seemed to have a good year and felt more hopeful and optimistic than for some time. But that came crashing down when I was suddenly arrested and dragged off to hospital in the New Year (I’d done nothing criminal but I guess I must’ve been acting strange). + +One of the hardest things for me is the shame and humiliation for how I acted when manic while being adamant that there was nothing wrong with me. In retrospect I could have been seriously harmed or worse when I used to roam around the streets at night and do risky things. Nowadays I mostly just post obnoxious nonsense online and get myself banned or blocked. I’ve lost friends, like many of us. That irresistible desire to communicate seeks an outlet, you know? + +I just wondered if anyone could relate.",Bipolar +49551,"Vent: I just wasted 2/3’s of my savings during my 2nd manic episode, can anyone relate? Just so disappointed that I (25M) spent 2/3’s of my savings on bullshit. Mainly clothes, books and random items from local stores that I never use. I worked a lot of different jobs to earn that money since the beginning of college (7 years ago) and in a little less than 2 months most of it is gone. Can’t even afford to join my family on a vacation to visit my mothers homeland because it’s too expensive for me… And being consistent with a job while my meds are kicking my ass energy wise is extremely difficult. Just feeling down about my situation, I know it’s not forever but damn. Don’t wanna be another guy that’s just negative on this thread, so I hope whoever went through something similar like this will continue to have faith that things will get better and know you’re not alone in your experience. Stay strong guys 🖤",Bipolar +49552,,Bipolar +49553,"Anybody have prosopagnosia/facial blindness? Wondering if there’s a link between that and bipolar. If you’re not sure what I mean, it’s when you have a hard time remembering what someone looks like/recognizing people. Like if I see a friend in public I’m never sure if it’s actually them or if you ask me to describe someone’s features I’d have no idea. Actually a good example is after yoga class I won’t be able to recognize which person is the teacher after everyone has left the studio— so I try to memorize the teacher’s tattoos or outfit color so I know who to thank after class. Anybody else experience this??",Bipolar +49554,"How do you accept life the way it is? I feel like I’m never going to have an actual support system or a life worth living. I’ve been homeless for almost a year. Finally got connected with a psychiatrist but he prescribed seroquel and I’m terrified to take it because of the weight gain. + +I don’t have any real life friends and my bf is great but doesn’t fully understand how bad it is inside my head. + +I don’t know how I’m ever going to not live in my car because every time I have some money saved something happens. + +I guess I’m just venting because I have nowhere else to talk to people who may understand. + +Update: found another organization that works with homeless people here so I just completed registration paperwork for that. They also provide mental health services so I’m hoping they will be able to help",Bipolar +49555,"Realizing mania in my past I am just laying in my bed not tired and I have been thinking about the past and realized how many times before diagnosis I was experiencing this. + +Working 65 hour weeks, hypersexual behavior, obsessive behavior, delusions and stuff. I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and definitely have been experiencing this since maybe 10 -12 years ago + +Now I actually understand the extreme paranoia, delusions, and minor psychosis and extreme hypersexual behavior + +( I don't have psychosis much, but this year I tried to jump out of moving car because my mom's car was filled with bugs (hallucinations) ) + +Anyone ever just realized how long we have actually been dealing with these side effects of bipolar?",Bipolar +49556,"How soon do you tell someone you’re starting to date? I am currently in the process of getting divorced but looking towards the future and getting back in the dating scene I realized I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing! My ex-husband was with me when I was diagnosed so it’s never something I had to really “tell” him about. + +I have bipolar II and overall it has been fairly well controlled until recently in going through this divorce. I had a severe (for me) hypomanic episode followed by a severe depressive episode but now am back on meds, picking up the pieces, and getting back to a feeling of normalcy. I know that the stress of dealing with my addict ex plus the stress of the divorce absolutely contributed to the severity of these episodes so I’m hopeful that moving forward I will continue to be well managed. + +My concern is that in dating someone, eventually I would want them to know what I’m dealing with, but I understand people who would not want to be with me due to this condition. Obviously telling someone deep mental health stuff on a first date would be off-putting but I’m just wondering if any of you have found a good way to handle this appropriately?? Thanks in advance 😊 you all are amazing.",Bipolar +49557,"How do I make friends as someone with bipolar/social anxiety? I've never really had a best friend, and at most I've had like 2-3 good friends and then a bunch of people who I'm friendly with but would never interact with outside of school (college). I'm worried my bipolar is scaring people away. I feel like even thought most people don't know i have bipolar they know something is wrong with me it drives them away. I'm eccentric, show up having a completely different mood than the day before...typical bipolar stuff and I just feel like people know I'm not right. or maybe there's other reasons I'm not good at having best friends. Out of my two closest friends, I guarantee I am in neithers top 3, top 5 maybe not even top 10. (Not even being self depricating I know it's true) How can I be closer friends with people?",Bipolar +49558,"I feel like im so much for my bf Idk i feel like he has to go through so much shit to just be with me, he has to handle my highs and lows, remind me and convince me to take my meds all the time, i feel like he could have gotten any other ""normal"" gf... + +But u know what? He says he loves me unconditionally, he supports me in both my highs and lows, he genuinely cares about me, sometimes i wonder how a broken girl like me got so lucky? + +Any guy or girl would have ran as soon as they heard me say i can cure depression... but he didn't he just tried to ground me in reality, and ofc recommend i go to the psych ward which i eventually did. + +Just thought i'd post something a little bit more positive this time around. + +I'm happy",Bipolar +49559,"Brain Fog/Memory Loss First time poster, still trying to figure out Reddit. My friend recommended this app once I got my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 last year. I’m 29, diagnosed at 28. + +Ever since my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I have been suffering from serious short term memory loss. I’ve never had the most attentive brain but before I started taking my medication/had someone to talk to I remembered things too well if that makes sense. + +For example: my fiancé and I were talking last night and I pulled out my calculator and typed one number in and then all of a sudden I couldn’t remember what we were talking about 2 minutes prior. Then I asked what we were talking about and he gave me the most concerned look. I know he isn’t mad at me but worried. It’s happening so often I’ve started writing everything down. Like everything, conversations, tasks, reminders, messages I need to reply back to. It’s getting ridiculous. + +I’m currently taking Busprion 15 mg 3x a day, Hydroxyzine 50 mg 3x a day, Aripiprazole 10 mg 1x a day, and Buspar 150 mg 1x a day. + +Also, I work a very high stress job. I am a program coordinator for a low barrier homeless shelter. We deal with death, ODs, fights, assault of staff, rape allegations. It’s rough. Maybe this info will help? Idk. I just wanna know if it gets better or if I’ve given myself permanent brain damage.",Bipolar +49560,"Dealing with this condition. Hello everyone! This is my first time posting in this group. I was diagnosed with bp2 after struggling for years with depression and supposedly mania also. But I was also diagnosed with adhd a little over a month ago. Both felt like I was diagnosed relatively quickly. Idk if that’s a good or bad thing. My depression has always been bad especially in my teens but my best friend died of suicide when I was 18 and it got worse from there. Im currently 21 and have no will or desire to pretty much live( not suicidal I think) life just seems pointless when im always depressed, I have zero motivation to do anything. Im in therapy but it feels like it’s not helping. I was recently put on vyvanse to help with my supposed adhd diagnosis. It’s helped with my motivation a little but hasnt really done much. And every anti depressant/psychotic has either made me worse or done the bare minimum which is keeping me alive. Ive been on 5+ different medications since my bp2 diagnosis 2 years ago. Ive had maybe 2 or 3 hypo manic phases since my diagnosis but their never anything more than a day or 2 of euphoria and more motivation and a splash of poor impulsive decision making. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than how the fuck do you guys deal with this? My lifes been at a complete stand still since I was around 16-17. I have no diploma, no job and not a single desire to pretty much be a human at this point. Sorry for the long post I just figured I’d give an insight to what life is for me. Any help/advice is much appreciated since I feel so alone and like no one understands.",Bipolar +49561,,Bipolar +49562,Dismissive psychiatrist Started latuda awhile ago and I just had my follow up appointment. My memory recall and all around cognitive abilities have declined significantly. I have anxiety and fears that I've never experienced. (Fear of death etc). You know what my psych told me? These aren't things common with latuda. He told me that I need to get tested for obstructive sleep apnea. All of my symptoms point towards that instead of mental illness. What the hell! Ive been on meds since I was 15 and know myself well enough to have awareness of how something is affecting me. I hate how dismissive some doctors are. I'm searching for yet another psychiatrist. I'm so over this.,Bipolar +49563,"Dependence on therapist I attend IOP groups and individual therapy sessions at the same place, my therapist who I have worked with on and off for a year and a couple months just told me today that she is leaving soon and I am heartbroken. I love my therapist and I don't know how I am going to keep progressing without her. There will be a replacement for her but idk what to do, I don't want a different therapist. :(",Bipolar +49564,"Manic Spending Sprees I'm diagnosed bipolar 2, and whenever I'm manic, I get reckless and spend money like mad. Does anyone have any advice to help with stopping this? It's killing me and makes my depressive episodes way worse.",Bipolar +49565,"How do you deal with your past? I dated an undiagnosed bipolar 1, while I was an undiagnosed bipolar 2. We met on a mania in our early 20s. I’m sure many of you can imagine the drugs and “fun” we had on our high. + +I ended up pregnant. He came down hard and I started having suicidal thoughts from all the drama being bipolar entails. I had an abortion. It was the abortion or drive off a bridge. Even his catholic family had choice words for me, that made me feel all the more trapped. + +I cleaned up and went back to college, and started traveling more. He went to rehab 2ce. I wrote him while in rehab the 2nd time. He was kicked out of rehab for acting on his hyper-sexuality. Him and the lady became a couple and had a daughter. I leave him alone, because now he’s diagnosed and I took a few college courses to educate myself on mental illness. I knew he wasn’t in full control. He would call me from fake numbers in the middle of the night, and we’d talk, never meeting up. His lady caught on and would call and confront me. I sent her receipts that it’s him after me. Eventually he stopped contacting me knowing I’d snitch. + +It’s been 8 years and I’m now diagnosed, and medicated myself. I recently had my own daughter. I’ve been thinking about him, and looked him up. He reached out to me 2 years ago, right before I was diagnosed, and I responded with his arrest record. + +As I’m looking into him, I find out he was in a coma from going in to cardiac arrest. He’s learning to walk, talk and move his hands again. It looks like he lost a finger. His family hasn’t posted any information about how or why. Also my daughter has the same name as his mom, totally forgot his moms name and my spouse picked the name. + +I’m in this fog of wanting to reach out, but also, why? We are living separate lives. It’s been almost a decade! I questioned if it was real love or the mania for so long.. + +My spouse and father of my daughter is a good guy. He’s stable and loving. He isn’t jealous and we have talked about the ex in the past. We have agreed that we chose each other and not the ex’s. However, he will never understand what not being in full control is like. + +It’s how I ended up on this sub. Looking to see if I was as crazy as I felt. Looking for similar experiences and stories, and boy did I find my community. + +Just looking to get this off my chest; and for y’all’s 2 cents, and experiences.",Bipolar +49566,"moodiness I’m looking for some tips on how to handle moodiness. Clearly I go through swings of up and down, but on the downs it’s really hard to not feel tired and irritated by everything. People want to talk and I just want to go into a corner of the room with the lights off and just clonk out. I’m on meds which makes things SO much easier than they used to be, but I still get strong symptoms, so I’m looking for maybe something alternative I can practice on top of meds? any suggestions?",Bipolar +49567,"New diagnoses I went for years thinking I had ADHD because of a childhood diagnoses of hyperactivity in the early 70s ,I'm 57 now. I was put on Ritalin than sedated me until it reversed and mad me worse. + +I got a diagnoses Of Asperger's syndrome at age 4o And thought the episodes were part of that . I Have been getting worse but I felt like superman when I was up and took it a a good state to be in ,Hardly the case people would be frightened of my actions which I could not understand why, they wanted me to move faster at work (cooking 40 years) I would become increasing more agitated as the months would go on. and would just fly off the handle and have a melt down and bye bye job. + +I never felt out of control until recently when my father died in February and I have been on full throttle for a month now so I changed my Psych doc and said that I was manic and took me off the anti depresses that my old doc prescribed. and gave me abilify and buspirone Just wed mar 23 2023 it has been a month since I slept more than 2 hrs. I still up but I am coming down slowly. + +I never notice the down side I just knew that I felt better not moving as much to the neglect of housework, and no motivation to give a dam about work again I had an attitude wile when I was down almost hatting the people I worked with and being resentful of having to work. + +&#x200B; + +sorry if this is disjointed I'm still amped up to 11.",Bipolar +49568,"Help, I’m tired of it all Before I get into this, I know I was an asshole and I regret it so much that I’m crying. That’s why I’m here to ask so I don’t have to be judged by people I know. + +I’ve been fine for a while, surprisingly, considering I’ve been off my meds for a while. But yesterday was rough. I was starting to feel depressed and numb again so I did everything I could to keep it at bay. I went out, I tried to do hobbies, spend some time outside. But then my anxiety and paranoia started setting in. I feel like I was being watched and veery sound the woods made freaked me out. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to go inside and go to bed. + +Something to note, I’ve been off my meds but just recently realized I was a fucking idiot and am moving back onto them. For context of the next day, I took some hydroxyzine last night to help me calm down and sleep. I tend to wake up a bit groggy but it fades. + +But today i’ve felt horrible. I’ve been depressed, irritable, paranoid, I just don’t want to be here anymore dealing with it. +I have a dog and because of our house set up, I have to spend all day in the dining room with dining chairs and tile floor. No where to lay down. So I laid on the floor. Earlier I had been throwing a toy for my dog but stopped because my energy felt so low. + +As I was lying there, she kept nipping at my heels and barking when I told her to stop. Finally, my anger boiled over and I yelled at her. I said awful things to her that I don’t want to repeat, even to strangers on the internet. I put her in her crate and went to the bathroom to take a bath and calm down. I feel so awful about it and I hate feeling like this and hurting others. My medicine is supposed to help me but as soon as I started taking it again, this happened. + +Help.",Bipolar +49569,"i don’t get angry. can i still be bipolar? hello! i’m writing here because i’m not too sure where else to look. + +i have adhd, sensory processing disorder and an on the gifted spectrum. +recently i’ve been going to therapy for adhd, and a few weeks ago my psych brought up that i might have bipolar. i’ve done a lot of research and have talked a lot about it when her,and i definitely have bipolar. +im going to see a psychiatrist and try to get meds for it, but i wanted to see if anyone else is like this before i get it checked out. + +i do not experience intense anger. like… at all. +even before i started questioning if i had bipolar, i knew that i didn’t have the ability to get angry. +sure, i get irritated- but that’s only at my family members. in public i don’t display or even feel anger. + +maybe it’s because as a girl, any negative or ‘masculine’ emotion is seen as undesirable, but plenty of girls get angry. + + +i know not all people with bipolar experience aggressive behaviour, but i feel like i should at least be a little angry? i’m irritable at the most, and i feel like it’s the only trait of bipolar i DONT experience. +if anyone else feels a lack of anger, please let me know :)",Bipolar +49570,How do you manage feeling down about the future because of your diagnosis? Sometimes I feel really down when an “up” ends and I’m depressed once again. I want the cycling to stop but I know my up and down intense emotions will probably always be a part of my life. How do you deal with this?,Bipolar +49571,"hypomanic? lately i’ve been wondering if i have been hypomanic (have been spending *so much* money, mostly on my 16 new hobbies i have picked up for my new life transformation, have lost a lot of weight due to my ✨New Life Transformation✨, and never want to sleep because there’s just…so much to do!!! too much excitement!) +and i just caught myself laying in bed for the last 4 hours thinking about making a youtube channel and becoming fitness guru/lifestyle coach + +🤡 <<<<<< me affff LMAOOOOO",Bipolar +49572,"BD and daydreaming When I am stressed, I daydream excessively. +Daydreaming at times helps me to navigate difficult emotions and situations and gives me perspective. + +Sometimes I write my daydreams down as a form of release, it’s not always effective when I am doing it excessively - not enough time. + +I am worried I may end up being psychotic again. + +I have been sleeping all day and waking up at 4/5am since Feb 4th. + +I guess what I want to know is if anyone else with bipolar struggles with daydreaming and how they cope with it. + +Started taking Lamotrigine/Lamictal a week ago. + +x",Bipolar +49573,"Went manic and now my precious hair is ruined I wanted to cut layers in my hair as I always do, but this time, I messed up big time! I feel so stupid and sad. + +My hair is hip length and a big chunk in the front is not even chin length, it's like a bob with hip length hair at the back, man I loved my hair! Everyone loved my hair and now I feel so embarrassed because everyone is asking me, what happened? I feel so sad, I'm constantly Googling how long does hair take to grow out but it's so uneven, and that bothers me so much! + +That's why I cut it in the first place because it was slightly uneven and it triggered my OCD, do people who have both bipolar and OCD, know what I mean? Sometimes, my OCD triggers a manic episode, and it's so hard to ignore these silly and persistent thoughts. + +Any advice?",Bipolar +49574,"Just got over an obsessive manic episode I have been fixated on one thing in particular, rather not mention what it is but just one aspect of my life. I’ve been obsessing and it took me a while to realize I have been having a manic episode filled with fixation and anxiety. Couple years ago I would have never even recognized this as a manic episode and I didn’t during the episode now either but more as it was coming to a close and my brain felt exhausted. Has anyone else experienced fixation as a part of your bipolar? Examples are welcome!",Bipolar +49575,"Nicotine relapse when hypomanic I’m not sure what I’ll gain from this but I just need to vent my frustrations. I’ve also not slept all night so I’m more emotional I guess. I’m upset with myself but at the same time not because I expected it. I’ve quit vaping/cigarettes so many times. When I have it has been for long periods and I have been so thankful because I hate how I feel when I’m constantly abusing my body. +However, whenever I get manic and it’s a bit worse than usual I hop right back on it. I tell myself I’ll regret it and it’s just a mental craving yet I still go buy a vape or cigarettes and start the cycle again. I’m sick of it. +Ive come so far in terms of managing this disorder. Yet I can’t seem to get a hold on this.",Bipolar +49576,"I got a stern reminder that being stable doesn’t mean I am cured I recently had to lower my lithium (under doctor supervision) because my lithium level was too high. I started to notice that I felt less numb. I felt butterflies in my stomach and a warm, fuzzy happy for the first time since I was a teenager. It was intoxicating. So I thought to myself, maybe I don’t need my lithium anymore. I never tried stopping it completely after ECT. This was a bad plan… + +For the last few days I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time too. The overwhelming depression, self hatred and urge to harm myself. It was terrifying. And I found I was completely out of practice in suppressing those feelings. + +Back on my lithium… I am the first one to advocate taking your pills so I feel like a hypocrite. I have been reminded that deep in my mind bipolar is still there and still capable of destroying me. It was humbling, terrifying and discouraging all at the same time. Today I mourn the fact that I will never be able to fully feel emotions and will always have to be “sedated” to some degree. I shouldn’t complain because at least I have stability. But that taste of what life is really supposed to feel like and knowing I will never have it has left me in a bad way. I feel ungrateful for the stability I have and greedy for the way I used to feel before getting sick. I feel here is the only place where people will understand what I’m going through. - sincerely a very tired bipolar warrior",Bipolar +49577,"Being bi polar and no one understands you I was diagnosed 6 years ago with type 2 bi polar disorder and my God what a fucking battle it has been, from being on various medications at first to being on/off with meds to being stable on meds and now eventually being off my meds. + +Having this disorder is just too indescribable and majority of the people I've come across don't understand it, especially those close to me which is pretty fucked up. The constant questions of ""what's wrong with you"" to ""why are you like this"" +When I try to explain to my family members that I have a disorder they turn around and say ""don't speak that over your life."" Like tf? (They quite religious) + +Half the time I have no reason to feel how I feel and I control my impulses, my moods and my outbursts to seem normal to the world but its soooooo draining to feel like one day you on top of the world and life is great and then the next few days you feel like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything good. I guess thats just joys of not being on meds but even being on meds I still had to control it, there was better periods of stability but there was moments of is this shit working? + +The episodes that come whether depressive or manic unfortunately it seems as if my family doesn't believe it and it's all in my head...excuse the pun there but its really fucked up. Having this disorder has messed with my life in ways I couldn't imagine and in the past I didn't know its coz I'm mentally ill, I just thought this is me being normal until I was diagnosed everything made sense as to why I am the way I am. My habits and my patterns my way of thinking. + +I've lost out on so much I've been through so much and the funny part is I have nothing to show for it like it's been a wasted life. People came into my life and left me after they get to know me the rest of my family doesn't get it some of my friends claim they get it but their behavior states otherwise. + +I'm always in a place of I don't know and I keep living in my head and it really fucking sucks coz it feels like I can't find myself or my place in this world and all I can sit here and say is I wish I wasn't bi polar.",Bipolar +49578,"Something I wrote before I knew I was bipolar. I used to think it was a personality disorder, instead of a mood disorder. + +Dear Journal…well I really don’t know that much about you being dear… that’s clearly a lie as it is the first time I write in this type of journal -though I had been writing quite often on “my phone journal”-. Either way, dear beloved, and most precious electronic journal, I will bless thee with the presence of worded words that word the words I word. Today’s riveting topic…. My day! As I don’t think I have the mental capacity to write about anything else of meaning… or do I? The purpose of this journal thing is to make me a better writer in both English and Spanish, yet if all I put into the white walls is rubbish and nonsense, how am I to become better at throwing electronic ink at immaterial wood-stuff? Perhaps I should find something… as simple as it may be…something I can turn into cohesion. I guess it is as good a time as ever to speak about feelings… my feelings, nonetheless. + +How does anxiety feel? I know we’ve all been there. Any E-scripture on anxiety that you might stumble upon will say as much, but, baring mental health professionals, I don’t think that those of us that enunciate the word “anxiety” with statistical-outlier levels of frequency have the same notion of the concept than those whose usage falls into the mean. What I mean by that, of course, is that those of us afflicted by pathological levels of anxiety feel it in a quantitively and qualitatively different way. I guess that’s why we get diagnosed… catalogued as distinct by the authorities that oversee defining this part of society. We’re a messy bunch. It reflects in all facets of my life. + +I have messy hair, messy eyes, my room is messy my thoughts are scattered (and messy!), I can’t make a decision for the love of myself; the short version: I don’t work. I mean that both literally and figuratively, whatever that means! (think about it! What does the verb “to work” mean in a literal way? Is it having a job? But that’s having a job, we call it work because you do motions in a job, but we call the motions “work”, because “work” is the act of physical exertion right? I don’t know, this is literal garbage that I’m talking right now (talking/writing “garbage” can’t literally be literal (I think I just transferred a calque from Spanish, too long to get into this tangent))). I can’t hold a normal job; I can’t hold my emotions most of the times. Today some guy at the mall forgot my coffee, and I felt like as if I’ve murdered someone. I mean, I’ve never killed anyone -and I hope I never do such a heinous thing-, but you know that feeling you get in your chin, your chest and neck that pushes you down? The one you get when something bad, really bad is about to happen? I was feeling that over a coffee man. I stared the guy directly in the eye, not with the best of intentions. I was literally offended, but I don’t feel that it was in a normal way. How do I know that? Cause I didn’t use to be like that. Emotions, to me, seem to work now like to a BPD patient (perhaps I have BPD traits?). How do emotions work for BPD patients? Simple! Take an emotion X and then square it. A more detailed example: anger(in BPD afflicted individual) = anger\^2. Or perhaps it’s even a cubical function: i.e., anger\^3 (I don’t even remember if cube is exponential 3). Anxiety is writing parenthesis excusing yourself of mistakes in your personal journal entries that no one else will ever fucking read. + +Anxiety is looking at your neighbor and running away inside your home for no reason. Anxiety is feeling gutted for dreaming about the people that made you the happiest you’ve been in ages. Anxiety is snapping at those who love you, because you can’t love yourself and everything has a bitter taste to shit. Anxiety is wanting to die, looking at places where you could hang yourself, feeling relief at the thought of no longer breathing, imagining a knife to the throat, thinking about swerving into traffic, travelling, and not feeling anything, kissing someone you’re deeply into and not feeling anything, doubting everything you do, every single cell in your body being inadequate. Anxiety is knowing at a scientific level that something is wrong, but still suffering through it. Anxiety is abusing drugs, anxiety is depression, anxiety is the antithesis of life, of enjoyment, of love and all that’s good. This is “anxiety”, as this is obviously a corrupted, poisonous version of a feeling that’s supposed to help us survive: i.e., anxiety. “Anxiety” turns a survival tool against those who are trying to survive. + +Do my friends love me? -that’s what I’m stressing about as I type this-.",Bipolar +49579,How to make friends when your Bipolar? I’ve tried making friends in the past but it all didn’t went well because Im bipolar. I pushed everyone away during my depressive episodes and contact them when Im manic just to push them away again when Im depress. I find it really hard to maintain relationships. Any advice?,Bipolar +49580,"please help me urgentl💗 I had my first psychotic mania in June 2022.i was living with toxic roomates and I had my first episode ever. +I went and left the house for a month and a half.spent alot of money on hotels .slept a couple of nights on the street until I was brought back home by the end of July. + +I have been in depression and what I did was so traumatic I feel my brain is stuck on empty or trauma.i feel nothing but some fear and anxiety + +I was an energy healer and a dentist, and I haven't been able to go back to work or even connect spiritualty.i have no goals or direction + +Is it possible to heal or is my life over + +I am 29 now n last year was my first episode",Bipolar +49581,Good news! I just got home from an appointment with my psychiatrist and she’s told me that I’ve been improving 😍 She reduced my 3 meds to just Quetiapine and I’m really happy today 🧡,Bipolar +49582,"Urge to trigger mania I recently had the most intense manic episode of my life and went on a whirlwind of euphoria, rage, etc... I had to miss work several days because I couldn't handle it and my mind was racing constantly. I'm relatively sure it was caused by me taking a few adderall pills (not sure how much or the mg) because that's when everything started. I crashed super hard and I'm so tired now and can't even indulge in my passions. When I was manic, I was able to draw for 12 straight hours and then go to work the next day without even sleeping. I can't even pick up a pencil now and I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to be able to do that again and it's making me want to buy some adderall from a friend of mine but I know that it's not gonna do me any good in the end. I just wish I could do the things I like to do and not feel like shit - I miss being on top of the world. + +I'm probably not gonna do it because I do remember how fucking horrible it was feeling so much all the time like that but god I miss the good parts. Hope anyone can relate to this lol",Bipolar +49583,"psych ward (again) sigh bruh. when does bpd and bipolar get better. i’m currently in the er AGAIN. it’s like it never stops and it’s so hard to not lose hope or think that the short term happiness is not worth all the pain that comes w these disorders. ptsd is so so bad rn and i thought i had recovered. makes me feel like no matter what i can always relapse, i’m never actually going to recover. man i can’t handle a 3rd iop shit is 5 times a week 3-4 hours each session. being mentally ill is so exhausting i can’t learn to accept that this is just reality i have to deal with! how do ppl get past that things aren’t fair. i can’t accept things. how am i supposed to? i didn’t deserve this. things don’t happen for a reason, bullshit, it’s all meaningless and all my trauma was for what? to make me a fragile and vulnerable person with 8 disorders. i hate this. advice for recovery after this bc idk how i’ll get better.",Bipolar +49584,"Free mood tracking/habit apps Hey guys, I’m looking for a new app to use. I’ve been using Habitica which is fun af (makes tasks into a kinda game and you level up your character etc) + +But found this isn’t as helpful, as you can’t track your mood or feelings which is obvs important to us. + +I wonder, is there an app that helps with habits AND mood? I have limited storage and can’t afford a new phone rn, so two apps takes up a lot of room as opposed to one 😌 thanks in advance and look forward to your responses",Bipolar +49585,"How do I stop obsessing over someone, it’s Getting bad I dated a girl 5 months ago for only 5 dates but things got really intense then she left me for someone else. I’m so desperately trying to let it go cuz it be best for both of us, but when I fall for someone it’s not something I can let go as much as I try. I have a full and enriching life, I’ve been really trying to dive into my activities full ass but as soon as I have a second to myself I spiral. + +I keep texting her late at night basically crying to her how much I miss her and how much she meant to me. I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked me or told me to get over it cuz at this point I hate to say it I’m getting to the point I’m obsessive. I don’t stalk her at all, I just think about her all day and I can hardly focus at work. + +I don’t really drink but I’ve been drinking alone at night, I think about relapsing on drugs cuz I just don’t want to feel anymore but fucking fentanyl in my DOC ruins it. + +I have abandonment issues but no amount of meds, progres in life, friends or therapy has helped, only when I date someone I feel whole and I think if someone stuck around I could realize not everyone’s gonna leave me in 2 seconds but I have yet to have any evidence it’s not like that. + +Pls help, I feel pathetic, I’m just hurting so bad. I’ve had some really bad shit happen in my life but I’d endure any of that if somehow that would get her back",Bipolar +49586,"A fascinating thought I had when I was high So I’ve been seeing a new psychiatrist lately because my old one said it’s only bipolar 2, but may or may not be bpd as well but isn’t sure… so I’m seeing a new psychiatrist to get a second opinion and lmao i realised that if it turns out that I don’t have only bipolar but also have bpd, I can finally since the Hanna Montana “I get the besttttt of both worlds “ and truly mean it lol + + +Especially lines like + +“Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun +It's really you, but no one ever discovers” + +“Livin' two lives is a little weird, yeah +But school's cool 'cause nobody knows” + +LOL",Bipolar +49587,"Missing my old dreams. This is a bit of a rant but had to get it out. So I always dreamed of being a professional musician as I got older as like a full time thing. I played instruments since I was in grade 4, I was a very talented musician( not saying that in a pretenious way). Music was my life, I was part of jazz music programs inside and out of school , wind orchestras, scored perfectly on all my NYSSMA performances ( New York State Music Association) even skipped a few levels because I was advanced. And part of All County band programs(a hand selection of students to be part of a large bad group that would perform in front of 100's of people). I then moved on to get a scholarship to a music college, I however decided to join the army instead and became a profession musician for them for 8 years, performing for presidential speeches, Veterans day and St.Patrick day parades in NYC, played half time shows at NFL games etc. I used to love just sitting at a piano and letting the music flow through me, sure I wasn't the best in the world, but the raw emotion I put into my music was just a feeling I can't even explain, now it's been over 4 years since I've touched sn instrument and I just feel so empty about it. My living situation makes it difficult to practice playing and I just miss it so much. I just want to make music again and my depression is holding me back and I hate it.... I'm so sorry for rambling I just had to get it out, best of wishes to all of you",Bipolar +49588,"Lost possessions during mania I have lost so many of my dear possessions (watches, cameras, plants, clothes etc.) during my manic episode one year ago. I find it extremely hard to move forward from this as I am still a student (in Germany) and have very few possessions anyways. Any advice?",Bipolar +49589,Good Sign This is Tennacious. He's my first flower of spring and he bloomed on my first day in my new home.,Bipolar +49590,"Why doesn’t my family understand? I don’t know how to get my family to see me for both the good and the bad. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for so many years, and I think so many of my family members just see me as a big failure. +I’m moving into a brand new apartment on May 1 and I’m trying to share this good news with others. I really thought my family would be more excited for me. +Truthfully, I was so depressed and out of control in my current apartment. I’m amazed sometimes that I’m still alive. I don’t know why my family can’t see that, and can’t see the real me. +I have a great therapist and am working on this in therapy, but just wanted to post here looking for a little input and support.",Bipolar +49591,"Lithium thirst So I started taking lithium extended release about 1.5 months ago, I’m currently on 800mg divided into 2 doses per day, as well as 50mg quetiapine. And The thirst I’m experiencing is INSANE. Every time i drink, i chug the water the way someone would after a marathon. I wake up at least once at night to drink, and obv to go to the bathroom. +What i’m more worried about now is that i’m muslim and we just started ramadan, our fasting month, where we have a 14h period of fasting aka no food or water at all. I tried to drink as much water as i could during the feasting period, i also had juice, soup, yogurt, tea… but i just woke up, and I’m thirsty as helll, and we’re 8 hours away from eating. +Is there ANYTHING i could do to make this easier? Or do i just have to live with it? I don’t want to switch to other meds since these are working nicely for me.",Bipolar +49592,"Childhood BP symptoms Lol so i have no one I know who has bp and i don’t feel like telling them this in risk of them thinking i’m literally insane. + +I just found out symptoms can pop up as early as 6 years old?? In middle school, i was about 12 ish, Id be in gym class and always see these flashes of lights, and then started seeing them elsewhere. I was convinced it was angels trying to talk to me that I was special or smth. I’ve always dismissed it as stupid child shenanigans but it probably wasn’t. I love being able to look back on things i thought we’re normal and find out they’re not.",Bipolar +49593,"A more recent one I did Although I don't exactly remember drawing it ha, I think I'm gonna try to get back on meds",Bipolar +49594,"Can music be too much? DAE feel music too deeply? There are some songs that are visceral triggers for me both positively and negatively. + +I stumbled upon JoJo’s ‘Say Love’ recently and I literally sob every time I hear it, so naturally I over play it. + +Just wondering if anyone has this same reaction to music and if so, what are your songs?",Bipolar +49595,"Feeling grateful Like many of you in this community, I have cripplingly low self esteem partly from the depressive episodes I find myself in most of the time. Stability hasn’t been attainable for me- I’ve only been on meds for a year and haven’t found the right cocktail yet. + +Today, I’m able to give myself a small pat on the back. + +I’ll be sober a year, at the end of this month. + +I’ve abstained from casual sex/promiscuity for 2 years. + +I’m really proud of myself.",Bipolar +49596,"Raising a child as a bipolar parent How do you raise a child when you are going through a depressive phase and you can't even take care of yourself, much less a 5 year old? My wife left us a year ago, and I haven't even had the time to deal with that shit. My daughter constantly needs me to be there for her but half the time, I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide. I don't get enough sleep and I'm always fearful I'm going to enter into manic mode. I feel like a failure as a dad for having the constant changes in mood that come with bipolar. I take meds now, so I am much more stable than I used to be, but it's not perfect. I'm lucky that my mother lives nearby, and she helps out. I'm just curious if there are any other bipolar parents out there.",Bipolar +49597,Woke up 3am the past two days and being very high energy.. is this hypomania? Can’t tell if I’m just being active and productive or I’m just being straight up hypomania. I’m bipolar 1 and take meds daily. I thought with taking all my meds I’d never feel heightened or lower but I still do feel my moods go up and down even with meds.. but the moods are usually mild. But the past two days I’ve just been very active. Do you all feel the same sometimes?,Bipolar +49598,"Hypomania had me wrapped around its little finger So, I started Vraylar a few weeks ago to help with a depressive episode. A few days later I started having traumatic childhood flashbacks, ya know, the ones that make you physically ill. I also started buying a shit ton of scratch offs and spent WAYYYY too much money on them. I stopped taking the Vraylar because I just couldn’t do it anymore (I told my dr I wasn’t going to take it anymore) and it’s now hitting me how freaking careless with my money I’ve been for the last few weeks. I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. I’m disgusted with myself honestly. + +I told my husband about it and he’s being supportive and that makes me want to cry even more because I feel like I don’t deserve it. + +I don’t know how to get rid of these shitty feelings. I’m sick of having to take all this damn medication in order to function in society. I don’t have a bad life, I have an awesome career that I truly enjoy, I have a wonderful family, dogs that love me, friends, a beautiful home and I don’t necessarily hate myself and yet here I am, struggling with myself and this giant ass blanket of shame is slowly swallowing me whole.",Bipolar +49599,"Has anyone been able to get on disability due to just your mental illnesses? I’ve tried three times, sent in all required paperwork and have been denied every time. I have severe depression, severe social and generalized anxiety/slight agoraphobia, bipolar, autism, ptsd and ADHD. I can’t work and it’s ruining my life",Bipolar +49600,"Divalproex side effects In the past, I usually have taken abilify and lamictal for my bipolar, but because I’m breastfeeding, I am now taking divalproex. I know most side effects of a new medication wear off in a week or so but these side effects are unbearable. I have like every single one except the ones that tell you to immediately seek medical attention. The nausea and feeling like I’m gonna pass out are the worst ones. I just constantly feel sick. I take it at night to reduce these feelings but I still suffer. Any tips on what I can do to minimize these feelings. It didn’t sound like I had many if any other options while breastfeeding so I want this to work but I can’t feel like this.",Bipolar +49601,"BP1 Been on this earth for 54 years, diagnosed early, multiple hospital visits, some up to 6 months, my life has been horrible, seen so many deaths, I have died so many times, watched my son die, and in depression I am thinking is it really worth it. Think about the question. What is life? Its mundane and torture. To me its actually hell. So it confuses me why the docs want me to live so bad when its so damn horrible.",Bipolar +49602,"Memory issues? I've seen so many posts on here about people having issues with long term memory and I was wondering if anyone has found a way to fix/improve this. I literally cannot remember anything and am constantly misplacing timelines and just straight up forgetting events that have happened. I hate it so much and I just want to fix it, I'm tired of everything being so hazy. It feels like it's getting worse too- I went in for a CT scan in December because my memory is so bad that my psychiatrist was concerned that it could be a potential brain tumor. I just want to feel normal again",Bipolar +49603,"Starting to feel hypomanic I haven’t felt this way in a very long time and the mere fact that I am even writing here is a strange, it is painful to know what’s happening and what’s coming. Im contemplating if I should take tranqs or call for help. Im so good at sketching right no tho, like so good. I hate this feeling but also not sure how to not feel good right now. Everything is so bright and doable but I hate knowing this will end in a low I will not be able to fathom. +Sorry for rambling, just not sure if I’m making sense.",Bipolar +49604,"Travel Tips? How do you handle barking security agents, boarding passes, changing itinerary, foreign languages, rude locals, etc. without losing it? Here's what's worked for me: + +Photograph \*everything\* important - passports, credit cards, boarding passes, luggage, and store the photos in a locked folder on your phone. This helps recovery of lost items, lower your footprint if you get robbed, and it creates backups because you never know. + +Try to research as much ahead of time - Rick Steves advises to book the important stuff, but keep things open ended. I've found, since I'm so easily distracted, to have a few good options at all times that you can do in case things are getting weird. + +Go easy on the coffee - first thing I want to do in an airport or a new city is to have coffee. There's downtime, I'm jetlagged, weary, and already overstimulated, and caffeine I think adds to my disorganization. If I get lost, it makes me look even more like a crackhead asking for directions. It's best to get acclimated then act like a local. + +Assume you will get lost and account for it - my sense of directions are terrible. Without google maps, I would be at the front of Walmart, aged progressed, with a slightly insulting cash reward for whoever finds me. Set up SIM cards, initial itinerary, and a basic plan to get settled after arrival. + +Breathe, dammit! - everything's new, everything's stimulating, but you have responsibilities. Stay present and take.your.meds. Do you really want to be hospitalized overseas? + +OK how about you, gentle bipolar traveler?",Bipolar +49605,"Strangest symptoms medicine helps with I realized that food textures no longer bother me as much like mushrooms. I can eat them without being disgusted. Does psychosis or whatever make food textures weird or is it just something random? + + + +What has been your experience?",Bipolar +49606,Bipolar Disorder And Sex I’ve finally been on medicine that works really well like I’ve had no manic modes or depression that I can tell. My only issue right now is that my brain focuses on other things and I want sex all the time. I really don’t know what to do about that. Masturbation seems to not work for me anymore at least not unless it’s in conjunction with my wife. She seems very one and done with sex where I can go longer and more. It doesn’t help that we only have sex or do something sexual once a week or less. So I am just not sure how to fix that or what to do to stop all these sexual needs that it feels like I have a lot.,Bipolar +49607,"Can you sleep when manic? When you experience mania, are you able to sleep if you want to, or are you unable to sleep? + + +I find I have no problems sleeping when manic, I just don't want to and don't really feel like I need it.",Bipolar +49608,"At this point in life I rarely truly worry about the swings and cycles, but my brain has been so unstable lately that I'm am worried. It's been a very rough past couple years and so many things have been affected by what's happened. To be clear I am not suicidal in any capacity. My cat would never forgive me and I do enjoy being alive even when it's chaotic and kinda terrible. + +I have basically been rapid cycling the past 11 months with a few intermittent bigger episodes, dealing with a very fresh PTSD development due to being in an abusive relationship with someone who in a psychotic rage beat a woman so bad he caved in part of her skull. He's in prison now but it doesn't erase the damage done to her or me. + +I had 6 months med access instability, 1.5 years of job instability, housing environment instability, other health problems (ever tried to use your hands when you can't feel 80+ percent of them?) and these god damn hallucinations and crying spells really need to fking stop. + +I've been trying out more meds, different med combos, self-care, coping mechanisms. I've been in therapy and physical therapy and those are helping. I keep my appointments with my specialists and p-doc. I do my job the best I can and try to keep my shit together but I've been barely holding my head above water for such a long time with it all and I feel like I'm about to drown. + +No, correction. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been drowning for a while and I just realized it. + +I'm just trying to survive and it's getting harder and harder to do so. I'm bawling just typing this out. + +I did my taxes today and for the first time in the 13 years of paying taxes I authorized someone else to talk to the irs if necessary. I wrote down my important login information. I've been talking to my dad and my sister about the gist of everything. I know my sister will take care of my cat if I can't, I've already gone over all of Annie's overall care and needs especially regarding her medical care and environmental needs. + +I need a fresh start. There are too many ghosts in this area that haunt me and my dreams. I've had too much loss and trauma to call it home anymore. I want to move up north to the only place I can call home. I want to move into my dad's place and live with one of the few humans I trust. + +I brought it up today and he's thinking about it. I will see what his thoughts are about it later. + +I can't stand how things are anymore and I need to be better. + +In addition to my lithium, lamictal, vyvanse, buspirone, propranolol and gabapentin, I started vraylar last week but it's not working fast enough so I start olanzapine tomorrow. Maybe it will help me. I'm really hoping it will help me because I can't hold it together anymore, not even for my cat. + +I hate and despise my brain with the fury of a thousand bonfires. I wish I could be normal. I wish I was blissfully unaware of how any of this feels. + +I spent most of my 20's learning how to handle bp and to become and stay stable. But apparently my early 30's are having a laugh at what I managed to achieve. + +Edit: my dad said yes. I'll be moving mid-may after a few appointments and finalizing everything. + +I'm going to be paying cash for my meds for a little while until I can get on Medicaid, but that's okay. I'm hoping to fill my meds as soon as my insurance lets me (up to 5 days before the days supply ends) so I can build up extra. Maybe try to get a vacation override or something towards the end. I'm gonna work some extra shifts to build up some money. I gotta get Annie to the the vet for her annual exam and refills of her phenobarbital. And ask the vet if she will authorize an early refill or prescribe a larger volume so there's more of a buffer zone for her (because her seizures are both heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time). + +I have so much to do! I have more hope again. God damn I love my dad. He's always been beyond awesome and supportive, he has been one of my biggest supporters in multiple ways over the years. I legitimately don't know if I would be here typing this if he wasn't who he is. + +I had some happy tears today and I'm like to think they outweighed all the sad and angry ones that I've had lately. + +Edit 2: honestly this post doesn't even mention many of the other things, like the rage I have felt for sometime, a brief hope and desire to date someone. A miscarriage I still mourn and how I never told him that I named her. The depth of complexity and severity of my nerve, skin and gut problems and how much money has been spent on them. Or how I stopped loving my job because I hate the place I work and my coworkers are a pack of wolves who I've tried to hide weaknesses from. Or that i've just been so tired for so many years.",Bipolar +49609,"decreased need for sleep, difficulty taking meds:( i’m not sure where the best place to ask this is. i’m too afraid of bringing it up to my providers so i’m hoping i can seek support here before i mention anything. +i’m diagnosed bipolar type 1, i’ve only had one manic episode that led to psychosis. mostly, i struggle with rapid cycles of mixed mania, hypomania and depression when unmedicated. +the last maybe month or so(?) i guess i’ve had a decreased need for sleep. so much that my psychiatrist noticed it before i did and prescribed medicine for sleep. i’m taking my mood stabilizers regularly but for some reason i just cannot make myself take sleeping medication and these past two weeks i’ve noticed have been pretty worrisome while reflecting on it(change in sex drive and drugs, unlike myself and putting myself in dangerous situations) i’m just really afraid of bringing it up to anybody for fear of judgement. i know how silly it is to have the solution to my problem right in front of me, and i don’t want to make it seem like i don’t care about my mental health. +i am experiencing all symptoms of (hypo?)mania and some mixed features of depression. it was really nice for a few days of this week but just like my first manic episode, the only way i can describe it is like, you’re going so high up on a roller coaster that when you feel it slipping down, it’s scary and drastic and you do everything you can to keep going up just so it doesn’t crash. i feel like im in the beginning stages of that and i really don’t want to do this. the euphoria and attractiveness of mania is incredible, but the constant racing thoughts and heart rate, the irritability and anxiety are uncomfortable and i know im prone to psychosis. +it seems like the easiest solution would be to actually take my prescribed medication, but it is really hard for me. i feel like there’s so much more time i have to get stuff done later in the night and i see it as a waste to go to bed so early especially when i don’t need to. i’m aware of how ridiculous it all sounds but i don’t know what to do to make myself take the medication. i know i have to but i genuinely just do not want to, but unfortunately i know this is probably contributing to mania. +any advice or support would be helpful. thank you all who read",Bipolar +49610,"I think the worst thing about being bipolar is the mania (vent?) I’ve dealt with depression a lot. I hate it but it’s my normal. I recently went through 5 months of mania where I acted horrible. I did everything except have delusions of grandeur. I ended up being sexually assaulted which I believe shocked me out of it. I could’ve really hurt someone or even gotten myself killed. Now anytime I’m in a good mood I start panicking and crying thinking it’s coming back. That was my first manic episode and I was on a lot of Cymbalta during it. I also wasn’t officially diagnosed until after the fact. Im dealing with aftermath of my bad decisions and will be for at least a couple years because of the debt I racked up. I’ve been depressed all my life. Mania, however, scares me more than anything. I’m fairly certain that’s not the general consensus.",Bipolar +49611,I just got diagnosed as bipolar I just got diagnosed as bipolar this week. I’m not really sure what to think about this and was wondering if you guys could share with me how you guys dealt with it when you got diagnosed. What does this mean moving forward? I just don’t know.,Bipolar +49612,"Can my episodes shift on exact day every 3 months? I was diagnosed bipolar 9months ago and still doubt. But after several drastic changes in my emotional state, I tried to track it through app and failed to be consistent. My approximate understanding was 3 months, as a harpies moments, and “life sucks” mode. +2023 I started really bad and wasn’t able to eat, think and shower. I sleep a lot. But January 18 I couldn’t fall asleep, was excited about smt, and thought it’s bcs of my birthday on 19th January. Nothing really happened that day, but I kept waking up 4am excited to do something and everything seemed very simple. I just accepted that I am “Porsche with no breaks” but 18th of march I started feeling terrible. I don’t use any apps or diary. It’s just feelings were so strong, and I couldn’t ignore dates and mood swing. It’s almost a week I feel anxious about nothing and I am really afraid that I am not there where I should be or I am doing smt wrong. That my family hates me. It’s hard to explain, but I take more than 6 valerians pill per day, cuz I can’t deal with ice in my stomach + +Any ideas what it can be?",Bipolar +49613,"I am not well I'm having a very hard time. It's bad enough that people are staring at me in public with concerned looks on their faces. + + +I'm making total strangers uncomfortable just by my presence.",Bipolar +49614,"Tomorrow's another day I'm having a hard time right now. So I picked up my acoustic guitar and just made more noise than was in my head. Then I had to just grab a pen and paper. This is what came out... + +Tomorrow's another day +But tonight may never come +So I sit right here and now +And ponder my meaning to this life +Stru g together like a cats in the cradle string +Night has co.e and I'm full of misery +I don't think I'll ever see the sun again +My tool box scattered across the ground in disarray +I'll be leaving this world +Tho it might not be today +But it's time for the pain to fade +Reaching out to the light +From my own darkness that no one can see +What's it matter if I fade from the light +After all it's only me.. + +I don't have any thoughts of self harm right now. I just had so.e shit built up and the guitar and the writing on paper and here has made me feel so much better. If you're reading just know. You have worth. You're more valuable on this plane than you know. Have a happy day and don't forget to be awesome.",Bipolar +49615,"Why does my brain know when to be depressed/manic? Why does my brain know when to be depressed/manic? Typically I cycle over the course of a few days at most but my psych increased my lamictal so I stopped getting depressed as often and don't really have mood issues unless I get stressed or take caffeine or something. I've been burning the candle on both ends recently and I have had frequent, and almost constant (but relatively mild) bursts of energy, with only mild dips into normal or depression. But I decided to actually get some sleep for once and now the depressive ends are hitting me really hard and the high ends are just me being normal instead of energetic. Usually I cycle over the course of a day, and I am wondering how my brain can remember that so many manic bursts happened last week. Like, is there some part of the brain that counts all my episodes and tells the other parts to be depressed? I guess I'm looking for a more brain psychology answer, not like an analysis of my behavior or anything.",Bipolar +49616,,Bipolar +49617,"My bf is making me have episodes | TOXIC He has no boundaries. I tried to get a restraining order and felt bad. I’m co-dependent and I put his emotional needs before mine. He is emotionally and physically abusive. He uses my mental illness against me. + +It’s dangerous to cut him off cold turkey because he harasses and stalks me, my family, and friends.",Bipolar +49618,"Need support lol Okay so I was a freshman in college this year, and I made it until about a month ago before I had to withdraw since my mental health was awful (drinking myself to sleep every night, going out alone at 2am, not being able to get up and go to class, stuff like that). I miss my friends so much but I do feel better now that I’m home and don’t have to stress about financial stuff things (i worked as much as I could but got burnt out from doing work and school at the same time as pathetic as that sounds, I just couldn’t afford my meds for a while). + +I don’t know what I’m talking about and I’m sorry but I think I’m manic right now, I’m so tired and took a lot of sleep stuff but it’s not working I feel like I can run a marathon LMAO. I also managed to convince myself again that no one loves me and that I’m an awful person but honestly? I don’t think I’ve really done anything that bad 😭 my mind is just racing and I feel like I’m gonna freak myself out into having a panic attack 😚 + +I’m sorry if this is annoying I feel so annoying",Bipolar +49619,"The price of mental and physical health It feels so fucking stupid how expensive it is to get treatment. I also have to get testing done to figure out pain I’ve been having and was told that the MRI would cost me $200 the appointment is at the end of the month. Just had to reschedule all my follow ups because I can’t afford it. + +I just got charged for my therapy and my vraylar too. I work at a firm but I’m underpaid. I tried to negotiate but was shot down. I’ve been looking for a better paying job but even then, with upcoming medical expenses such a physical therapy, pain medications, plus all the bipolar stuff (vraylar, Psychiatrist and therapist) and bills from a recent surgery, I’m feeling like this paycheck to paycheck type of living is my future again this year. + +I didn’t even have enough money for groceries. I can’t save to move out of my mom’s house. Just all of this is doing my mental health worse. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure affords piece of mind. I’m stressed and annoyed at my situation. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.",Bipolar +49620,"Money troubles Hey guys. I’m struggling financially atm big time. Last year I had to take over 4 months off and was in hospital for 3 months due to a very severe episode. I’ve returned to work since then but part time, and I can’t seem to catch up on the costs of living with my income. The craziest thing is that I’m a doctor (registrar- speciality training) and I still don’t make enough to live. My partner is supporting me as much as possible but he’s struggling too. I feel so ashamed and defeated. I can’t work more currently as I only just increased my hours and the stress and fatigue is full on right now. I have no parental support or other supports. After graduating med school I finally had financial freedom and was doing well. My relapse last year has cost me more than my health and it’s a real struggle to go back living week to week and paycheck to paycheck- I’ve been poor my entire life apart from when I first graduated. +Is anyone else in the same boat and if so how do you come to terms with it? The situation makes me feel like I’m a failure and I feel really embarrassed. Hope everyone is doing ok and thanks to this sub.",Bipolar +49621,"One thing I find hard Thinking about when I was hypomanic, one of the hardest things is that looking back on it, a lot of the stuff I said and did was really funny. I leaned into that a lot at the time and even resorted to full-on clowning and cringe humour cos it’s always been a defence mechanism for me. But underneath I was feeling desperate and really scared because I couldn’t stop talking and didn’t know what was happening to me. I knew I wasn’t in control and I thought if I could only make the people around me laugh it would all be ok. + +Now it’s over, I’ve even turned it into a kind of comedy routine but every time I go through it, I enjoy the funniness but also can’t stop thinking, “God, I was in so much pain.” Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +49622,"If I listed myself as not disabled while applying for a job at a company, and listed myself as disabled while applying for a different job, will I get in trouble? I don't know what to add. I'm job searching and my anxiety is through the roof about this. It sucks cuz it's a great opportunity. Here's some length since apparently the body has to be longer than the title or it gets removed.",Bipolar +49623,"Do you guys ever get stuck in “quiet mode” I’ve noticed in moments of high emotional stress I start to become unable to speak, words are flowing through my head and I feel stuck and just can’t get myself to open my mouth to speak, sometimes I am just like that until I’m able to force myself to speak again, but I’ve noticed it’s been getting really bad recently in my current relationship and I’m looking to see if this is a common problem for bipolar or if it’s something else causing it",Bipolar +49624,"Oops I did it again. Sometimes in a rush I will accidentally take my srqual by mistake in the morning… and I’m usually at work, it hits me hard .. I will usually go home but sometimes I will stay. Appearing to be drunk .Takes me all morning to work it through my system until the afternoon , after coffee .. has anyone done this before?",Bipolar +49625,"Is getting bored with your job a trait of being Bipolar? I was diagnosed when I was 35. I’m 39 now. I have had so many 3 months jobs in the last two years. I get bored very quickly and I feel like the work isn’t challenging enough. I was recently diagnosed as ADHD and am medicated for that as well. It has still not helped. I’ve been with my current job for 6 months. I’m having the same problem. I get paid very well for what is expected of me but there’s so much down time. Hence the boredom. Does this happen to anyone else? And if so, how do you combat this feeling?",Bipolar +49626,"I’m bipolar type 1 but getting a real wake up call on why I should stay on my meds bc of someone I care about. Someone I really care about is tackling bipolar disorder without medication due to the expense of a psychiatrist. He’s finally in a place where he can get one but with a long waitlist in his area it’s difficult. + +It’s so hard to watch. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror and just seeing myself 3 years ago when I was at the height of my illness. The lashing out, volatile nature, hopelessness he feels hurts me horribly because I know from experience there is nothing I can do. He’s either ignoring me or can’t leave me alone, and I don’t blame that on him whatsoever. Every time he hurts my feelings rn I have to remind myself that 3 years ago I was the same way. + +It just sucks so much to watch someone you care about go through something like this knowing there is so little in support you can offer. Him and I are so desperate for him to see a psychiatrist and get stable, and are waiting anxiously for next week when it’s finally happening… but even then I know it takes a while for the meds to help. + +It just hurts so badly to see someone go through that and knowing exactly the type of pain and anger they are feeling and the helplessness of it.",Bipolar +49627,"Does anyone get bad cabin fever? I literally can not stay inside for longer than half a day before I feel like my mind is closing on me. + +20 years ago I isolatedyself in small room for two months literally driving myself nuts physically in my head. It wasn't thoughts more about feelings in different parts of brain. + +It use to go away as soon as I went outside but now it's been getting worse where I have to stay outside rest of day and comes on too fast. Clonazepam helps but I haven't taken it in two years.",Bipolar +49628,"Slipping Into A ""Classic"" Depression Very Weird For Me. So it's been years like 15+ years since I've had a depression that was not a mixed episode. I'd been pretty stable tye past 3 years, but my migraines at least that's what my doctor thinks they wre (had them for years) have been getting worse. Last year I wound up in the ER with one so bad that I went from moving under my own steam to get in the door (with the worst pain in my life, made running over my foot with a one story tall steel gate feel like kiddy play) to needing help into a wheel chair cause I couldn't even stand. + +I've had 3 rounds of blood work all normal a CT scan and MRI normal. Now an oximetry test Tuesday night. (Waiting on doctor to interpret the results) and an appointment with a neurologist august 9th (soonest they had) and required taking a personal day off work cause it won't fit well in my work day. + +They've never actually gone away. Even on days I don't record as having one I low-key always have pain, just it's at a threshold tolerable enough I can for tye most part ignore it. But most days of the week I've got headache and/or the front of my ""brain"" feels like it's being prickled with pins and needles (not in pain those, thats reserved for my temples and the icepicks behind my eyes) it makes my brain mush, and makes me feel physically weak. But every appointment I have because of that they test for a stroke but I come out normal/no stroke. And my mind is mush it can't think it's way out of a wet paper bag full of holes, heck it will even struggle for forum words. + +I just feel so hopeless and empty and broken. Like a pathetic, worthless loser and failure at everything,. That I'm not worth shit. And between tye two I'm always exhausted and don't have the energy or will to do things and even when I force myself I feel like I'm shit at it. But I'm also super irritable and pissy and angry alot. So much of the time I could scream and shout but cry and beat myself in the head at the same time. I struggling very hard to use my logic and tools to get out from under all this.",Bipolar +49629,"The most frustrating appointment So, last year after an attempt I was diagnosed in hospital with bipolar disorder. I have been prescribed all the meds and have had continuous appointments with my GP to try and get everything settled and find a good prescription that fits what I need. + +2 months ago after having a month long manic episode, I went back to my GP in the hopes that we can really dial down into what I need. Skip forward to today and I have a phone appointment with a psych from my area (we only have like 7 in my province). After asking me approximately 10 questions he determined that I don’t have bipolar at all, but major depressive disorder and PTSD…. + +Would you go for a 3rd opinion at this point? I have had clear textbook manic episodes all throughout my life and this psych didn’t think I met the requirements to be diagnosed with bipolar, so he doesn’t believe I should be treated as such and has prescribed 200mg of Zoloft. This concerns me as I know antidepressants can lead to manic episodes. I would love your advice. ❤️",Bipolar +49630,"I dont know what happened to me + +Hi, currently I am not diagnosed, I hope it does not bother anyone, but bipolar type 2 is being suspected by my psychiatrist. And I had some doubts (I'm not asking for diagnosis) because lately I have been going through dark days, but today something extremely strange happened to me that I do not know how to name or explain to my psychiatrist. If anyone has felt this way, I would appreciate it if you could tell me about your experience please. + +I was talking with a friend about my emotions, and I remember that from one moment to the next I got caught up in a specific thought (like a delusion). And then it was like I had emotionally exploded, I felt out of myself, I started sobbing very loudly, my breathing was heavy, I couldn't control or stop myself. But it wasn't like the moment or the conversation led me to it because of the intensity, it just happened. I was hugging myself, I couldn't stand him touching me. I felt like I was getting small. I really have no idea how to explain it, but what was most impressive to me was how spontaneous it was and that feeling of not being in control of my own body. After that i felt numb and confused.",Bipolar +49631,"Job hunting I've been to a couple of interviews and I think the interviewers just see into my soul. I want to have a job, but I can't find one. I'm too eccentric and probably I don't even care if I work or not. I feel like they see it whenever we make eye contact. They see that I would be a bad employee. + +I don't care about anything at all at this point.",Bipolar +49632,"How am I supposed to look forward in life? TW: Depression, nihilism, addiction, etc. + +Hi all, I’m really sorry if this post triggers anybody, please don’t read if you’re prone to being triggered by content relating to depression/despair. + +With that in mind, how the fuck am I supposed to be excited about living the rest of my life? I’m only 23 years old, and I’m so goddamn tired. The older I get, the more acutely aware I get of just how wrong my brain is. I try so hard, and it can’t be fixed? As we all know. I’m on medication, but in a few months I’ll be off my moms insurance and I CANNOT afford private insurance. I know everyone says we NEED to be on meds, and I agree. I need to be on meds. But staring down the barrel right now, I know I cannot and will not be able to just a while from now. And I hate this fucking disorder so much, because all it does is lie to you. I can’t trust my happiness or my sadness or my apathy. I am genuinely so exhausted of managing these feelings, and it gets worse every year as I get more and more compounded “adult” stress. How am I supposed to want to go on like this? And no I am not at risk of ending my life, I have too much guilt and shame to think of doing that to my family, but that just compounds the pain of existing for no reason beyond obligation. How do you all do it? Why do you all do it? Literally any input or advise or comment is appreciated to help me feel maybe just a little less alone, sorry for being so whiny.",Bipolar +49633,"Allergic to Lamictal I've been taking Lamictal for three years now. From the beginning it has been apparent that I am allergic to it. A very strange kind of reaction, my hands start to burn (inside my skin, if you touch my hands they are normal temperature), and then they start to itch. They burn and itch so much I end up putting them under water constantly. + +I started taking some antihistamines with it and I've been ok for three years. This med has changed my life, like entirely. It made me stable, able to hold a job, and so much more. I can't live without it. + +But recently, my hands started to itch again. Slowly. I take my antihistamine in the evening, I'm fine all day long the following day, and then in the evening it starts to itch again. My overall skin as well. + +I'm worried I will have to stop taking my Lamictal. It has been wonderful. No side effects whatsoever. If I stop taking it, I won't take any other medication because I don't want to gain weight, or hurt my kidneys. + +Have any of you gone through something similar? With allergies? I talked to a pharmacist when I started doing this and they told me I couldn't become resistant to antihistamines. I'm starting to doubt this...",Bipolar +49634,"The Daunting Task of Living Trigger warning so much sad shit mention of suicide + + + + + + + + + + +This last two ish years have been the worst of my life starting may 2021 my father committed suicide followed by two weeks later my 21 year old cousin, this is the third family suicide. Flash forward to May 2022 I drove myself to the hospital fearing Id be alone and unable to be safe on the anniversary of his death. This is the occasion where I actually learned im bipolar and have been on the wrong meds for 12 years. Im a 34(f), I have lots of beautiful things about my life, a husband a dog a ridiculous garden. But man I dont know how to not feel completely daunted looking both forward and back and having one really solid year of stability in my brain with various other degrees of stability but lots of struggle just to float. How do I not just feel angry and scared that I have to live in this body in this brain with this trauma for the rest of it?",Bipolar +49635,"Proud of myself! Being responsible and getting stuff done! I've been needing to get my oil changed for the past 1,000 miles and my headlight has been out for at least a month + +Today I finally got my oil changed, my headlights replaced, and even changed my car air filters! + +I think I'll even get my tabs renewed!",Bipolar +49636,"I'm at risk of losing my home I'm not throwing a pity party here I just genuinely want to know if other people have done this too. I have spent so much money over the years racked up a lot of debt. I've only been stable for the past month or so thankfully to lithium, but my monthly expenses are nearly equal to my income. I can no longer afford my home that my family currently resides in. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I ever let my spending get so bad, but I guess that's where being on no medication can hurt you. I submitted a loss mitigation application to my mortgage company and got a letter from my psychiatrist stating that I've been diagnosed with bipolar 1. Is anyone else in the same boat or have been here before?",Bipolar +49637,"Dark obsessive thoughts I’m assuming this is fairly normal with BP but I’m so sick of dark obsessive, ruminating thought patterns even during relative stability. It seems like every week it’s something else; death/dying of loved ones, someone being hurt, losing my partner and awful thoughts of not being good enough to be loved. I feel like BP is such a hindrance to me enjoying life fully, it’s like a new obsession every week and I’m so sick of it.",Bipolar +49638,"Anticipated I know! + +I see it, + +My life is propelled, + +A mandate from heaven, + +Audience anticipates it, + +They clap until it sounds like thunder, + +Grasping their bellies until they roll out of their chairs, + +“He’s doing it again! Another meltdown.” + +Born and grew with a face of a child, + +“You’re so cute!” + +Seems peculiar but I sure found something for my phenotype, + +They pay for my dinners, + +They buy me flowers, + +Made me feel secure when I was not stable, + +I like to be treated, + +Like to be shown you care, + +Then I feel intolerable, + +And have been called things for a previous lifestyle, + +Maybe I am what I am told I am, + +What brings admiration and material turns to my curse, + +For when I fall apart and turn to a spectacle… + +It is something to merely laugh at, + +Frustration and cries for help get treated as hysterical, + +Suicidal ideation and attempts get treated as mere pouts, + +Nothing that serious, + +Even more certain I have no right to myself.",Bipolar +49639,,Bipolar +49640,Does your mania/hypomania ALWAYS end with depression after? Or has there been times where it hasn't for you? Asking to be hopeful because I'm sure I'm going through mania right now and I was only out of depression for like 2 weeks before this hit. I really hope there's a chance I won't flip back there. I'm still trying to get my habits back in place that I fell out of and really can't afford to be screwed with depression for another 6+ weeks.,Bipolar +49641,,Bipolar +49642,"Tired of being sick Bipolar 1. Been diagnosed for 20 years. Treatment resistant depression and anxiety, with migraines. + +I have no quality of life. The world/people/TV/movies drive me crazy, give me migraines. Severe depression and severe anxiety. Nothing works. I’m like a freakazoid. Miserable day in day out. Trapped like I’m shackled in a dungeon. Isolated. And I can’t break out. + +I’ve tried everything. Meds. ECT. TMS. Ketamine. Talk therapy. + +ECT was effective, but the effects only lasted for 2 weeks at a time. My doc made me stop after around 30 ECTs for fear of long term side effects (memory/cognitive issues). But I have memory/cognitive issues from my depression. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. + +I have suicidal ideation. I feel trapped.",Bipolar +49643,"I can’t make myself go to work Then of course there’s the shame spiral which leads to drinking which leads to binging and purging which is expensive and I won’t have money because I didn’t go to work. Someone stop this ride I want to get off. + + +How do you make yourself go to work?",Bipolar +49644,,Bipolar +49645,"How do you manage being tired during depressive episodes? I'm not always sad during my low phases, but during them, I often have middling energy and take numerous naps, which almost border on narcolepsy. Recently, I've been reorganizing my house, but I feel held back because I have errands to run in town and feel too tired to do so. This is compounded by my being proactive into March until I had two breakdowns weeks ago, and sleeping off my problems might be a possible coping method. + +Much of this has had me recall my first year of high school, where I was deeply depressed and often slept during and after school, whereas I was highly energetic and consistently worked in my junior and senior years. + +Does anyone else here have similar experiences? ",Bipolar +49646,"I started Wellbutrin yesterday I can't tell if it's placebo or not but I already feel slightly more productive. Finally got around to renewing my library card, I've been meaning to for the past 3-5 weeks but got discouraged when I had called on a day they were closed and didn't feel like doing it even when I knew they were open. I'm also playing more of my video games, even though it was only 2 games, it's still a huge step for me. I'm excited to see my hobbies come back. Hopefully I'll finally go outside on a walk on my own eventually, it's been a few years + +I'm also taking Lithium, which used to work for my depression. I've pretty much been taking only Lithium for the past 5 years and never thought I'd see the day I add another pill. I'm glad I wasn't scared about taking something new either",Bipolar +49647,"Wrong medicine So I shared in my first post here that my Dr put me on Latuda to help control my Bpd symptoms. I went 3 days with it, nothing major had the Hypersalivation that's listed and some good sleep (finally). + +Then my body seemed to betray itself, violently getting sick to the point of dehydration and muscle cramps that took surgical grade narcotics to calm my body down from. + +Turns out I am 1:150 that have a sensitivity to one of the ingredients in the medicine. I have now been switched to Vraylar, tonight is day 1. Hopefully it helps silence the million voices in my head and let's me sleep and keeps me from having any violent side effects. + +Sorry if I'm just rambling on, Ive noticed this is one of the safer places to talk about these things without judgement or being approached by the ""Internet Dr.s"".",Bipolar +49648,"getting off my meds lamotrigine started giving me a rash & now i have to go to the ER during finals week & yea. lamotrigine helped me get out of bed but that’s it. i’m still depressed but enough to do anything about it, bad or good. i’m just here. im probably better off not on my meds so im flushing everything",Bipolar +49649,Can hardly afford medication I was recently switched from Latuda (which was free with my insurance) I was switched to lurasidone for some reason and it’s 100.00. There’s no way I can actually afford this and I’m doing so well it’s just so upsetting I don’t know what to do.,Bipolar +49650,"Too depressed to go to work… Taking a day off work for the second week in a row. I am not over on sick days or anything but I still feel like my manager is going to start asking questions. + +White collar field. I think my depression stems from the fact I got passed up for a promotion I was promised last week. Have lost all motivation to work for this firm. + +I can feel myself slipping into a depressive episode. Sigh. I hate navigating the professional world.",Bipolar +49651,Bipolar depression got off meds 3 years ago I randomly get this overwhelming feeling of deep disgust when I get reminded I have a functioning body full of organs and tissue etc and I get this urge to just rip out everything I’ve come close to it once but I’m usually around people since I lack any privacy anywhere which I’m not complaining to a extent but I had this same breakdown in front of my new bf and couldn’t stop crying I tried to explain the fear and disgust but he was super freaked out and couldn’t understand I don’t understand it myself I just recently signed up for therapy again since I’ve noticed more frequent episodes but therapy doesn’t give me answers why I feel this way and I I’m constantly asking myself questions and it causes migraines frequently my brain is so fried at this point I feel like it’s just lying to me constantly,Bipolar +49652,"Anyone here get the shakes before, during and after visits to therapist? I get shaky due to nerves and ptsd from time to time but I’ve started to notice after my visit to my therapist office that I’m extremely shaky even though I feel fine. Anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +49653,"I can feel a depressive episode coming I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in December after my first major manic episode that ended in hospitalization. Since then I have been taking my medication (Hydroxyzine and Abilify), up until about a month ago. I don’t like the sedated feeling medication gives me and I feel abilify takes away the flare of my personality. I have been stable up until this week and I feel a depressive episode coming, it’s a extremely unique feeling that is so recognizable to me. I am losing all motivation and joy in my life. Is there anything I can do to prepare for this and any advice on what I can do to do the least damage to my life as possible.",Bipolar +49654,"Bipolar 1 type mania I know many of us question our diagnosis but it’s more difficult when you’ve had a manic episode with delusions. +But sometimes i can still talk myself into believing the diagnosis isn’t real and that those weren’t delusions. +I thought it was a spiritual awakening when it was happening and that I was one with god and had to save humanity. Anyway- DAE who’s had mania with delusions sometimes doubt their diagnosis?",Bipolar +49655,"Do I keep looking for a medication that works or is this as good as it gets? I've asked a question to you guys in the past regarding the end goal of being medicated. I'm on 1200mg of lithium carbonate, 250mg Divalproex and 150mg Bupropion HCL XL every other day. I've noticed a good improvement on this cocktail, most recently upped the dose of lithium to 1200mg and I felt like I was doing better, but it's been 3 months and I've had 2 episodes since the increase....These episodes are usual at this time of year so it didn't cause them, but they're still there, a bit more manageable and definitely not ruining my life like before, but I do not feel like a normal functioning human being. I'm still experiencing mania, but I'm able to stop myself from spending excess money and I am able to notice the energy I'm expending so I can force myself to relax here and there so I'm not deprived. I still sleep less, but enough to function so that's good. I can't stop myself from picking up my phone and googling everything on the planet that comes to mind...I feel like I have ADD or something, literally no focus at all which is not good for work. I still have significant periods of anxiety and stress about nothing and I'm finding this hard to manage, and the depression is still there, but my body no longer feels like cement, although I'm usually tired even after sleeping 10-14hrs. I can still force myself to get up and do stuff like clean, shower, etc. But I'm extremely miserable about it and everything else that doesn't involve sleeping., I don't cry omw to work, during work and while showering anymore, I don't have ""those scary thoughts"" anymore and I can keep a gym schedule although during my depressive periods the amount of gym sessions I get in are significantly less. +Is this it or should I keep trying to find a better state to be in? I mean I can live with it, but it sucks to go through this rollercoaster of emotions and energy expending and depleting, even if it's just a mid-sized one. I cancel a lot of plans on friends often because the way I feel when making them is not how I feel when the date arrives, I still have these insane urges to make plans with people and go out and socialize, shop, google search like mad and try new stuff, I still sleep less and more depending on what stage I'm in, I still overstress over everything and panic, I still feel drained and prefer to be alone and do nothing for a month or so straight. +I should add that before increasing the lithium, my Dr suggested lamictal, but the potential deadly rash side effect and the interaction with birth control pills terrified me so I decided to go with the lithium increase.",Bipolar +49656,"I have a Master’s degree and I just want to stock shelves I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a good fit for my field of study. It’s deliriously stressful and triggers episodes without fail. I’ve always been ambitious and driven to succeed but while job hunting I‘m realizing that I want and need to go at a slower pace. My memory ain’t what it used to be, and the cognition ain’t the same. My job came home with me; I went to bed and woke up with it, on top of having a family. I haven’t worked in nearly a year and half due to burnout. + +Anyone else experience being happier with…less? I think I’d be happy stocking shelves at this point.",Bipolar +49657,"I'm struggling on the edge of an episode and rambling here to stay cogent while I wait for a timer to finish. My back hurts. Cogent is a funny word. I'm against things being complicated. + +15 minutes left. This game is for the young. + +12 minutes. What actually does this accomplish? + +10 minutes. I wrote a line, go me! + +2.5 minutes left. I'm hitting post.",Bipolar +49658,"What life stressors threw y’all into a recent episode? Mine in 2022 - bought a house in February/ same month husband got into motorcycle accident and broke his leg, had to handle the logistics of the move myself - while working part time. Moved into new house, son had a seizure shortly after. Decided to get a new job while husband attended physical therapy, then found out husband was switched to nights. I then switched my job again to accommodate his hours, didn’t see each other often and I wasn’t going to bed until 12 am when I got off work at 11:30pm. + +July-December I was out of my mind. Hospitalized at end of November.",Bipolar +49659,Klonapin? Anyone prescribed kpins daily long term for anxiety with bipolar? I’m not super convinced psychs like to prescribe benzos long term for daily use but I’m taking it along w lamictal and Seroquel rn and the klonapin is really helping slow my mind and help me function. I’m afraid my psych won’t let me be on it long term even if it’s working. Just wondering your experience??,Bipolar +49660,"I can’t accept it I’ve been “diagnosed” bipolar 1 for 3 years now, I’m 31. I put diagnosed in quotes because I had to come to the conclusion to my therapist and doctor and they just put me on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. My aunt had bipolar 1 and is on disability. I just can’t accept it though, sometimes I get upset and have really bad days and sometimes I make a shit ton of art, I feel great, I’m cleaning like a mother fucker and I feel untouchable for a few days, when in a good mood I don’t have trouble sleeping but I can run off of 4 hours of sleep no prob. I know I crash though, I fall deep into depression and contemplate doing the worst. I’m off medications and I’ve been through 4 therapists because I end up hating them, I’ve been through 2 case managers because the first one was an idiot and wanted me to fill out paper work with her at a library which made me uncomfortable as hell. My second case manager (I’m on SMI) -Serious mental illness- under being approved by the state as such. So my second case manager didn’t get back to me for two weeks so I’m a rage I’m in the process of changing facilities to get services from, I have no friends. Absolutely none, I constantly fight with my boyfriend, he calls me a psychopath because I don’t feel empathy. I’m starting to think that there isn’t really any hope to get better for me. To be on medication for the rest of my life? On antipsychotics that make me fatso and feel like I’m passing out? Yay, sounds like a life worth living for sure. Lol. Therapy isn’t working, my last therapist tried to report me for being suicidal. And she never wanted to talk about my trauma, she instead would talk about herself and her wife. Ma’am I don’t care about you or your life. I’m the problem and people don’t want to deal with you when they find out your bipolar, that’s what I’ve learned. I can’t accept that I’m bipolar, something non my brain tells me I’m just broken from abuse. I don’t know anymore. I’m sober for 3 years and life is worse.",Bipolar +49661,"Life insurance policy/with bipolar diagnosis Hey! Thanks for taking the time on my post. Does anyone here have life insurance? I recently started looking and everything I have found asks specifically if you have ever been diagnosed bipolar. I’m doing some internet research right now but if anyone knows anything please let me know. +Thanks",Bipolar +49662,"Finally had the energy to do something and then I crashed God I hate this feeling. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, cleaned my bathroom and kitchen, did laundry, vacuumed and did a lil’ workout. I felt so energized and full of electricity, but then everything just crashed and now I’m just laying in bed, feeling all depressed and anxious. I started taking my meds again (ran out of them and was raw dogging life for about a month) so I shouldn’t feel this way, right? I have to leave for work in an hour and just can’t get up",Bipolar +49663,,Bipolar +49664,"lamictal dreams so i’ve been on lamictal for like 15 years on and off, it’s been the only med that’s actually worked for me. but something i’ve noticed that i’ve never really discussed with anyone because it’s never actually been a serious problem is the insane dreams it causes me to have. i know for a fact it’s the lamictal because all the times i’ve gone off it, the dreams stop. when i go back on it they start up again. they are SO vivid, i always remember every detail. none of them make sense or have any deeper meaning. sometimes they’re just weird but other times they’re scary, which is fine because i know it’s just a dream but it does rattle me. anyway just curious if this is a common thing? anyone else have weird ass lamictal dreams???",Bipolar +49665,"Is stability supposed to be difficult? Hi, I think 3 months ago I came here to ask you what being stable was like and if what I was feeling could actually be tagged as such. Only one person answered, but he was saying exactly what I was ""feeling"". + +Now I'm here, I've been drowning in anxiety, the meds I used only for emergency are now fixed. With a double dose. And I'm like????? What is going on? + +Yes. I got better, Depakene really did wonders, but I don't know how to deal with this under my skin crawling feeling that there is a storm inside that I can't let out because it's blocked. My mom said I'm a healthy woman, why do I even need therapy for? When I'm like this, seriously? + +Is this just anxiety? Am I into a hypomanic episode and don't know because I'm supposed to be stable? + +I have no clue. I'm tired. I fought for years to find meds who'd shut bipolar up and now that I have it does not look any easier. + +Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired.",Bipolar +49666,"Reading too much in to “signs”? Hey all. The last few days have been really rough so I’m chalking all of this up to just exhausted bipolar brain in overdrive, but I need some advice/help here. For the last few months I’ve been seeing “222” pop up EVERYWHERE. Busses, signs, takeout orders, etc. I’d been telling myself that it was just regular old pattern recognition, up until the last few days. Yesterday, on 3/22/23, my mother passed at 2:22am. Obviously this has just sent me in to a massive spiral of “it was a sign”, and I was hoping others who have experienced similar phenomena/thinking has any advice or insight on what this might “mean” or what I can do to get through this. Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.",Bipolar +49667,"I've started drawing again for the first time in 5 years. I just wanted to share! After being hospitalized for a Mixed Episode in 2020, I felt like a blank slate. I had gotten so dysfunctional to the point that I gave up on writing and drawing. I'm still learning who I am, but for the first time in my life, I want to be alive.",Bipolar +49668,"How to keep from being defined by being bipolar I'm going apologize ahead for punctuation but I will try. I am 43 M luckily been married to a wonderfully patient woman for 20 years, my entire life I have messed everything up including a military career and thought it was just who I am. I have been in and out of hospitals and thought everyone else was crazy, I have been diagnosed and accept that I am bipolar but I don't want it to define me its hard when I hear people around me say ""that explains so much"". How do I keep from Bipolar becoming who I am.",Bipolar +49669,"i just want to be happy and I want to make my partner happy I don't know why Im like this, I love my partner more than anything and i can't think rationally, i can't communicate well, I;m so scared that they're plotting against me or they're going to get tired of my episodes and break up with me, or find me just so, so unbearable. I can't even ask for help from them because how am I meant to say this in a way that will show them that I love them and I'm not accusing them, and I'm not crazy and I just want to have control over myself and my emotions and my thoughts. I just want to feel happy, I want to stop making everyone miserable, I want to be in on the joke that everyone else around me is in on. I feel so scared and angry and confused",Bipolar +49670,"I don't like making plans because I don't trust my future self's mental state Sorry if this has already been talked about a lot, but I just realized that this is why I don't like making plans too far out into the future. + +One of my friends recently asked me if I wanted to go to a concert in August. I love the musician, and I'm sure I'd enjoy the show. But my initial honest reaction was ""I don't even know who I'll be by then."" I didn't say that out loud, but it was a clarifying moment. Does anyone else have this issue? (Probably.) + +An added unwanted effect is that this makes me come across as flaky, disorganized, or unreliable -- and I'm not saying I'm definitively NOT those things. Bums me out, though. I can use a calendar app, I swear. I just do not know how I'll be feeling a month from now. And a bunch of my friends are very ""type A,"" so it sort of compounds the issue because they love having full calendars and planning hangs weeks in advance. (Dorks.) + +Anyway, I think I'll buy tickets to this thing even if I don't end up being able to go. It's just annoying I have to incorporate this into my decision-making. I can barely RSVP to weddings with any degree of confidence. That's all. Thanks. + +*Edit: Thanks for the comments, everyone. Helped me feel less alone about it.",Bipolar +49671,"Life has left me hopeless. First, thank you for reading my rant, even if you don't make it to the end... + +Life advice please... + +30f, relationship with 31m, anf we have a 9mo son. + +We lost the home we were renting back in Dec, due to mold. We've been back and forth between the in-laws since. I'm in school and he is looking for work, but also is waiting for his Bar exam results. + +I can't stand living with other people. I'm currently dealing with my mental health (Bipolar and ADHD) and it's hard to function at times. The other day I was overwhelmed by my MIL who wanted us to bring the baby over to meet some family last minute. That ended with me yelling at her when she came to the car wanting to take my son out because he was crying. I told her to worry about her children, not mine. + +This morning at 6am, I woke up to find my partner in his parents room talking. When he came back he stated ""It's me & you"" over and over. Later, he explained how no one will understand me or my Bipolar and how much weight I carry and how hard it can get for me on a daily basis. He didn't go into full details of the convo because I'm an overthinker, but him stating his parents asking if I'm in therapy or taking medications, made it obvious. That's when my partner got upset because he saw how I consistently have to deal with our families not understanding. As I told him, not many ever will. + +I hate living with the in-laws. I love them, but I don't do well with the MIL always home. Having someone consistently there and always watching what's being done with my son, being there to greet him all the time, or making opinions like ""he's hungry, he wants milk, look at this, look at that"" etc has really been getting on my nerves. To the point that now I can't stand her voice or go into a negative mood when I know she's going to be around. + +My partner and I both feel uncomfortable staying at each others parents. Financially we are unstable at the moment and were trying to figure out what our next move is... + +When my son was born, the first two weeks, we got covid. Then, after 6 months of living alone, we lose our home to mold. During Christmas, I went through a perfect storm of depression with losing the house and overwhelmed by everyone wanting to meet my son. I feel like his first year was one of the hardrst for me and I want to be able to enjoy these 3 months before he turns a year, but it's been so hard... + +SO! + +Any advice? Any recommendations on work from home? Any knowledge regarding starting a dropshipping business to earn an income? + +I need to do something because I can't keep living thi way. This is the most I've thought about suicide and that's not fair to me or my son! I'm looking for any avenue to be able to provide for my son. I miss having our own home and I miss alone time with my boys and I miss being content and feeling some happiness... HELP!",Bipolar +49672,"Are things going to get any better? So... I usually don't post anything on Reddit, but here we go. + +About eight months ago, I was diagnosed with BP2. I've struggled with mental health issues all my life (anxiety, depression) and developed PTSD at a pretty young age. After a few years of fluctuating emotions I went to see a psychologist, and I got my diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with asperger's syndrome back in 2019. + +I've been on a mood stabilizer (lamictal) since I was diagnosed, and it's made things easier for me, but exam season (last year of high school) is coming up and I lowkey feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm experiencing mixed moods every other week, I can't really sleep anymore, and every day I'm torn between ignoring everyone around me, freaking out, or acting friendly, because I know I shouldn't take my own mental illness out on anyone. I'm either tired, stressed, occasionally productive, or filled with a kind of self-loathing and sadness that I can't even begin to describe. I'm worried I'll be thrown straight into a depressive episode soon, because stress is my biggest trigger. Very few people (two of my friends and my immediate family) know that I'm bipolar, and I don't even want to tell **them** about how I feel right now. I think a lot of people on here can relate to that crushing feeling that you're a burden to your loved ones, even when they tell you you're not. I considered the possibility that things might get better if I told someone, but I just don't have the energy, and I don't want to let people in because I'm ashamed that I'm losing control. Explaining how I feel to someone is difficult (asperger's, yay) and there aren't many people I trust with my emotions. The people I trust are the ones I don't want to burden. + +I wanted to ask, does it get any easier? Not to board the self-pity train or anything, but I'm not even 20, and thinking about the future terrifies me. I don't want to fall apart and fake that I'm okay every time a problem arises. I don't want to isolate myself because I'm scared of affecting people. I don't want to experience all these episodes over and over again. I just... don't know what to do right now. + +Also, if anyone has any advice on how to keep going and staying productive, I'd really appreciate it. <3",Bipolar +49673,"Clean and taking my meds. I took y'all's advice, started taking my meds, quit cocaine. In a much better head space. 3 weeks clean. Thank you. I knew what to do but needed to be told to do it. +Edit: I also got a job!",Bipolar +49674,So many nightmares. Does anyone else experience these in spurts? I’ve seen research that says it could be a manic episode coming on. I haven’t remembered my dreams in a while but i’ve had a bad one every night the past four days. They always happen right before I wake up.,Bipolar +49675,"How bad does it have to be to be considered psychosis? I know I've had at least one episode of what was probably psychosis because I was diagnosed with stress induced psychosis when it was happening. I don't know if that one was bipolar related or not, and I wasn't treated with anything at the time because I was still quite young and the psychiatrist didn't want to intervene with medication. + +However, I've had other symptoms since during what were probably undiagnosed manic or mixed episodes where I've started to believe things that were, retrospectively, pretty weird. Occasionally these beliefs also pop up when I'm very, very depressed. Sometimes I believe these things 100% unquestioningly, and other times I know they don't make sense but worry about them excessively anyway. Sometimes it fluctuates between the two. + +A common one for me is worrying that other people can hear my thoughts, especially if I look at them directly. I also get concerns about people working against me or talking about me behind my back to try to ruin my life. + +Another time I became convinced my childhood home was haunted and that a demon had followed me from there into my daily life. I kept seeing a figure in my room at night and I worried about speaking about him out loud in case he came for me. I still worry about this sometimes, and tbf I'm pretty sure that house really was haunted. My childhood friends and I talk about the weird slightly paranormal stuff that happened there so I'm not alone with that, but my sudden obsession with it was abnormal. + +I told a different psychiatrist about those two a while back and he said it was probably due to a combination of autism and trauma, and that it would likely go away with more EMDR. Since they kind of just left as my mood changed, he was satisfied that his therapy had worked. + +I had another one where I decided I was actually naturally nocturnal and that other people were interfering with that to purposefully make me sick and stop my plans. I completely flipped my sleep schedule for several weeks (although admittedly I wasn't sleeping very much anyway), and then fought with all my family and friends about it. + +At one point I also became very worried that other dog walkers were all talking about me on Facebook and were plotting to take my dog away. + +Another time I was certain I was dying of some horrible illness and all the medical professionals I saw weren't treating me on purpose because they wanted me to die. (I really was sick though, but the level of paranoia was weird). + +I was still somewhat functional while all of these were happening, and I wasn't hearing voices or anything for the most part. So does it really count as anything serious? Because it didn't seem that bad to me, and my family just kind of ignored it since they'd been told that the episodes were stress related and it was best not to engage. I've never told a psychiatrist about all of the thoughts because I didn't view them as relevant; until recently, I just thought they were a part of life and it was something I did when I got stressed. + +TLDR; at what point does it cross the line into actual psychosis vs ""being paranoid and having weird thoughts""? + +I'm going to be starting medication for the first time soon if all goes well. My current psychiatrist is talking about putting me on antipsychotics, but idk if these episodes are really bad enough to warrant taking an antipsychotic. I've been reading about the drugs and they sound like heavy duty stuff, and I can't tell if, for me, it's really necessary. I think I'd rather try another type of mood stabilising medication first. I don't know how I feel about all of this.",Bipolar +49676,"I have no friends Title says it all. I dont have any friends. Noone. Everywhere I go, people don't like me, I snapchat a couple people, yeah, but when it comes down to it, I dont actually have anyone to hang out with or really talk to. I have my boss so I have one person, but its not the same. Like, say I had to have surgery tomorrow and needed a ride home, I can guarantee noone would be willing, yet id be there for them at the drop of a hat. Im miserable and im lonely and I just wish that people actually liked me enough to actually interact with me on a deeper level than just sending a picture of their face all the time with almost no dialog. I dont ever know what to talk about, and I dont want to just always talk about me because ill feel like I'm just conceited, but thats what other people talk about and they have friends and so I just don't know what im doing wrong. Im tired of it.",Bipolar +49677,"Psychosis Does anyone else experience psychosis? i heard it was a symptom of Bipolar disorder but the link between psychosis and bipolar is only when a person is manic +I experience psychosis in both ways but mostly when im depressive states, is it normally a part of bipolar or is that an another issue altogether",Bipolar +49678,"There are ups and there are downs- weather changes? So yesterday I was feeling manic. (it was a warm, sunny day) +I even got a new learning obsession. +And today I woke up... like meh. And I am feeling sleepy even though I have slept for 10 hours. +Also because I didnt respond on yesterday’s evening to somebody when I felt like I should and now everything is not the way it should be (my ocd) +I might actually deserve all of this.",Bipolar +49679,"Trying to write an Email while Manic like: **Hi there!!** + +**It's me again. I hope you're doing good! I'm grrrreat! I'm just writing with that sample you requested, which I will leave in the attachments. I hope you like it! I was kinda going for something different this time. If it still needs improvements, let me know. And if I can't get it right this time, then, guess I'll die! womp womp womp lol Anyway, there's was something I was specifically writing to tell you about, but I forgot. Should I remember it, be expecting another email from me! Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to shave my legs in the front yard as it's a lovely day.** + +**Have a bitchin' Wednesday!** + +And looking back at old emails, it's just pages of this shit.",Bipolar +49680,Another drawing from a prev episode Also I finally slept! May have only been 5 hours but I'll take it,Bipolar +49681,"Gastroparesis & Bipolar Antone have gastroparesis an bipolar what medications are you able to take without them getting you sick? + +My psychiatrist wants me on lamotrigine an remon known as mirtazapine. + +He's only putting me on one antidepressant because of my lack of sleep at night . An that's my mania",Bipolar +49682,"is this masking? I was spending time with a friend today, felt totally normal and good in the conversation, im very close to her and feel very comfortable. then one of our other friends came over that i’m still comfortable with, but not as comfortable and I noticed it wasn’t as “easy” for me. It felt like I was trying so hard to be present, that I wasn’t present. Like I was putting so much energy into having energy and smiling and being engaged but I wasn’t. I felt off, weird, and robotic. + +I feel like this happens a lot to me whenever I hang out with other people who aren’t my usual group of 3 friends, even if I am “comfortable” with them. Or even sometimes in group settings when I can’t keep up with the energy of the group or my energy is too big in the group, but not so much one on one. + +Any idea why this is happening to me? Is this masking?",Bipolar +49683,"do we experience every single emotion stronger than others? i just saw something that really affected me and emotion consumed me. i immediately wanted to harm myself. + +are all our emotions stronger than others? or am i dramatic and only experience clinically strong emotions in episodes?",Bipolar +49684,"Sexual consent during psychotic manic episodes Can consent for sexual acts be given during psychotic manic episodes? Visual hallucinations seeing other people's faces on different people, auras around people, massive delusions, euphoria, etc involved. How debilitated must one be to not be able to give consent?",Bipolar +49685,"Work absence and diagnosis Long story short, I had to leave a job after only six months because of a medicine induced manic episode and subsequent diagnosis. So it doesn’t look so bad like I just quit a job (I actually did turn in a two week notice) could I use the bipolar, or just general mental health issue as my reasons with recruiters and hiring managers? Just wondering if anyone else has been through this, because I’m sure I’m not alone.",Bipolar +49686,"Should I tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab? So this is related to bipolar medication, I’m on 500mg ER quetiapine, I take it every night, however, I had to pull an all nighter for class so I misses the dose last night. However, I get symptoms if I don’t take the quetiapine at the same time each night, so I had to take it in the morning because I started getting symptoms. Basically I don’t think I can even get to class right now because I’m so out of it, normally I sleep after taking it so I forgot how crazy the side effects can be especially because I haven’t have food in awhile. So , do I go to lab in this zombie state, or tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab, while probably inconveniencing everyone who have helped me lots this semester and been very accommodating.im worried too bc it would mess up my lab schedule, and my report is due in a week . But i dont think i can go out an d function right now",Bipolar +49687,"I wish I could date a therapist to receive free therapy. This is obviously a joke. Why are therapies so expensive? I acknowledge that therapists work hard to be qualified, but my insurance barely covers it. The relief I feel after every session is counteracted by the anxiety for the amount on the invoice. + +I wish I could get the help I need without having to sacrifice half of my paycheck.",Bipolar +49688,,Bipolar +49689,My friend feels she’s is being outcast after advocating for neurodivergent individuals I’m new to this sub so let me first thank you all for this wealth of information you all have been so kind to share. Like the title says my friend feels as though she has been bullied and ostracized from her fellow coworkers since coming forward with her bipolar diagnosis. Who can we turn to that will advocate for her rights?,Bipolar +49690,"can hormonal birth control trigger depression for us? So I have been feeling pretty down the past few weeks. It could be a lot of things that triggered it. However, I did recently start taking birth control for pcos. I'm beginning to wonder if they can have an effect on our moods. I'm still taking all my other medicine, but I can't shake this feeling of sadness and exhaustion.",Bipolar +49691,"Just started the process of getting diagnosed, I’ve spent years in denial despite obvious signs Hey everyone, to start I’m a 21 year old female living in the United States. I come from a family that has a close history of Bipolar and ADHD. My grandfather has pretty severe bipolar and due to his refusal to fake traditional medication he’s an addict and has been separated from my family since I was a child. + +I’ve shown signs of being bi-polar for a very long time now, was diagnosed with ADHD, got on the meds for that, but still struggled significantly. I knew everything I was experiencing pointed to Bipolar II, but with it being so taboo in my family after my grandpas actions I refused to ever admit it. +However now after talking with my psychiatrist he strongly believes I am bipolar and we will start a more in depth diagnosis beginning soon. + +I have mixed feelings, I’ve known that this was most likely the answer but I didn’t want it to be true. I hate that I have to be the one in my family to carry the “bipolar” role, I know they will look down on me and assume I’ll end up the same way that my grandpa did.",Bipolar +49692,"Trust issues I’ve been researching trust issues and coping mechanisms and an article I read brought up bipolar disorder and how trust issues can be indicative of bipolar. I have a lovely partner but I can’t scrape it from me to trust him, no fault of his own. He has done nothing to betray my trust. How have you trusted healthy partners after the bad ones? Im trying very hard not to ruin this but alas I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.",Bipolar +49693,"What's your go-to comfort show when you're down and what's your show for when you're up? Any particular reason? I'll start: +1. When I'm down: M*A*S*H* (the nostalgia and predictability, classic style characters are comforting for me) +2. When I'm up: The Simpsons (I'm really familiar and can keep it on in the background while doing something else or leave and come back without issue).",Bipolar +49694,"Dealing with self-loathing? I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips for coping with extreme self loathing. + +I'm medicated and in therapy, but neither of these things seem to help when the self hatred hits me hard. I guess this would be considered a depressive episode, but i don't really get manic anymore, so who really knows. + +I just hate myself so much that it makes me suicidal. I wish i was someone else entirely or that i just didn't exist. I've hated myself for most of my life. Probably since puberty and realizing i didn't look like the other girls and i was weird. I never fit in. I was always overweight and not conventionally pretty. Thru out my teen years i made so many bad choices - drop out, ex junkie then teen mom. Such an undesirable life. I can't even fathom how anyone could possibly love me. Stupid, crazy, ugly failure me. I'm 34 years old and i still feel like that little outcast kid that no one cared about. + +Can anyone relate? Did anything work for you?",Bipolar +49695,"I have question about your depressive episode Is your depressive episode caused by + +specific life event (triggering event) + +or + +flow of time and biological cycle? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +mine is caused by specific life event (triggering event) + +and idk how other people go thru depressive episodes + +i am recently diganosed (my doc was confused about my symptoms and tracked me for a long time) + +and i want to be educated + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +thank you so much and hope yall have a good day",Bipolar +49696,,Bipolar +49697,"i cant stop smoking. weed man. i dont get withdrawals when i stop or anything i just struggle so bad with controlling it. i promised myself i’d take this week off of smoking and from here on out at least taking 2 days off a week, but i’ve already smoked 3 times this week. it’s the only fucking thing that keeps my moods under control when im home as my family is extremely toxic. i don’t want this to turn into my old habits. :(",Bipolar +49698,,Bipolar +49699,"do you have to abstain from alcohol with this disorder? Just diagnosed after coming down from a hypomanic episode that resulted in a LOT of binge drinking. Is alcohol out of the question for someone like me? I am starting medication tomorrow and while I know I have a problem, I am hoping I can still participate in the occasional wedding/birthday champagne toast. :(",Bipolar +49700,"Are you a mom? How is that going? I’d really love to hear from other women who have bipolar and went ahead with having kids. How is that going for you? Do you enjoy being a mom? Is it manageable? + +I’m a woman in my early 30s and got married last year. It feels like everyone around me is having babies and I’m really trying to figure out if I want one. I feel like I could be happy/sad either way. I just started listening to an audio book about trying to decide about kids and I had to turn it off because it was making me cry. + +My husband is sort of happy to go with whatever decision I make. I know nobody is “making” me make this decision, but I don’t want to hit 40 and just say oops guess I never did that. I really just want to make up my mind either way.",Bipolar +49701,"Anxiety and fear suddenly gone Long story short, after a very difficult few months and then the death of a friend, I am not doing well. My therapist is asking that I seek a higher level of care, which I am pursuing (hoping for an IOP group spot to open up soon). I do know the ER is there if things get too serious before then, but I’m trying to avoid that if possible. + +I think I can finally admit that a lot of my thoughts lately are suicidal. Not sure why I couldn’t say that for so long, but the fog has lifted enough that it’s become clear. I haven’t felt this sick in nearly 10 years, since before my bipolar II diagnosis. I have no intention of acting on those thoughts but they are there nearly constantly. + +But the weird thing is, my anxiety suddenly disappeared recently. I don’t feel “normal” or free from anxiety… almost like the anxiety left and was replaced by a strange, calm apathy. I no longer fear death, and I haven’t noticed myself feeling nervous about anything. It feels almost like when the anxiety left, it almost gave the suicidal thoughts “permission” to be there. I’m not scared anymore. + +It’s been a weird feeling, and I guess I’m curious if anyone else has felt something like this? It feels confusing and I think I’m trying to make sense of it.",Bipolar +49702,"I need some warm people with me I'm M30, from Brazil and fortunately we have not the best health care provide by a government, but it’s something. So on… I’m been diagnosed as bipolar a 3 years ago a now a new doctor that met in last December took my case and I feelling she is doing her best to help me. I’m taking Lithium 900mg, Depakene 1500mg, Rivotril 0,5 mg (if panic attacks ou a huge anxiety crisis) and plus zolpidem 10mg for sleep. We started very low, I tried a few days only with lithium and it puts me in a major depression, then we started Depakene, kind help, but I’m still feeling stuck in my depressive cycle. My question to all of you is: how long did you take meds until your stability? I swear I can’t hold on anymore. I want be the person I used to be, have a job, have some dreams, take care of my appearance etc. TAB is so fucking unfair, how I hate TAB.",Bipolar +49703,How quick did your medication begin working for you? I began taking Lamotrogine 15 days ago and I've been looking for any changes I've seen in myself ever since then. I notice that I do feel a little more disciplined or maybe even stable but I'm unsure whether or not I'm just having a good week or it's the medication. My doctor said I would likely feel a difference in four weeks so I'm keeping that in mind but I just wanted to see what everyone else's experience with the medication was.,Bipolar +49704,,Bipolar +49705,,Bipolar +49706,"Midday coffee? I should give it up right? +Because I’m kind of agitated/ amped up now and I should already be asleep. +Ideas for helping to calm down/ go to sleep? + +Tell me all about your experiences with caffeine and coffee, fellow bipolar people. + +One of the trains of thought running through my head right now is in my own language (gibberish) which makes me think maybe I can’t blame this all on coffee lmao",Bipolar +49707,"Different types of mania Maybe this is just me, but I’ve noticed two types of mania I experience that I’ve dubbed ‘empty’ mania and ‘full’ mania. + +‘Empty’ mania (which I’m currently in, in case this is illegible) is like I’m floating and everything’s hilarious and but I also begin to dissociate and question whether I’m real/anything around me is real. + +‘Full’ mania is like my body is too heavy and too alive, and I’m too irritable to socialize with most people without snapping at them, and it’s almost like my body is too big for my skin, if that makes sense, and I feel everyone’s eyes staring into my too-big body. + +Again, maybe that’s just me, but it’s helped me be able to better track my moods like this.",Bipolar +49708,"I had the strangest feeling last night. Last night as I laid down to sleep and had my eyes closed, I had something that felt like a dream, but it was something that happened just before I feel asleep. I lucidly thinking about the experience as it was happening. + +I’ll start off with what I think it was. I think it was a new kind of suicidal ideation. + +I’m not religious at all, but this dreamlike feeling was full of images that felt like a type of beautiful afterlife, like a heaven or something. It was sweeping land and seascapes that looked like something off of an Asia album cover. Everything was iridescent. And I was flying high above it all loftily and effortlessly. It felt like the scenes from the Lost Boys when you see the vampires’ POV as they fly. + +It looked so real, and so perfect and peaceful, and I felt like it was calling me to it. I began to speak to it. I said, “please.. if this is it, please take me.” “Please take me away from this.” + +Usually if I have SI, it’s miserable and darkly depressing. + +It felt like the SI was being cunning and alluring this time.",Bipolar +49709,Zero sex drive while hypomanic It's the only symptom I don't experience with hypomania. It's actually the opposite—I am so high strung and hyperfixated on so many things that I completely forget about sex. I am not asexual in any way but the idea is just so unappealing during my episodes. I've never seen anyone share this sentiment and am left wondering if it's really that uncommon?,Bipolar +49710,"bad depressive episode due to stress from college hi!! i got diagnosed + medicated back in November. currently on 200mg lamotrigine. my mood swings have slowed down, however i’ve been noticing ive been more depressed as of late and going onto day 4 of feeling like this. + +im currently unsure if it’s because im not on the right meds or the amount of pressure im under rn. i feel horrible bc i havent been going to any of my college classes these past 2.5 weeks. i have also not been completing assignments which is also bringing me down. i just dont have the energy for it rn. the stress im under is due to my grades dropping and the possibility of me losing my full ride scholarship + +we went on spring break and i was the happiest ive ever been w/o being manic. once school kicked in ive been sleeping in all day. i really think my episode is due to stress rather than my meds. but god it sucks so badly. it just reminds me of how bad my episodes used to be. + +idk anymore. im feeling so miserable and useless. i wish i could get back on my feet but it feels impossible.",Bipolar +49711,"Feeling of dread and frustration related to work. Need advice. I'm on amisulpride 150mg, Valproate 1gm and Lamotrigine 100mg, but for a week or so I have this feeling of dread and frustration related to work which makes me not able to go to work. + +I very well know that it's an irrational fear, but I can't get over the strong emotion pulling me from attending work. +Ive tried DBT which hasn't helped. + +Its starting to become frustrating now. Worse still is I've had these episodes since the past few months so much so that I've been to work on and off, and not consistently. + +I work as a doctor in a large hospital. + +Has anyone else felt this way, and what has helped y'all to get out of it? +Is it part of depression or am I doing this to myself? Sometimes I doubt this too.",Bipolar +49712,"imposter syndrome sucks this sucks. i feel like a stranger. + +it feels like everyone has stronger or more intense symptoms than i do. my therapist keeps telling me that labels arent everything and that she treats the individual not the diagnosis. it made me feel like crap when she said that. like the diagnosis, the name, the labels i always chased to get that sense of validation we’re all meaningless. + +and now i keep thinking that something is wrong with me. but maybe it’s not BP2? + +my psychiatrist is tapering me off lexapro and will be adding lamotrigine soon. i am week 5 on wellbutrin. she wouldn’t be doing this is there wasn’t something actually on the bipolar spectrum right?",Bipolar +49713,"You aren’t your thoughts. You aren’t your thoughts. You just experience them. Just like how we have mental illness, but we aren’t the illness. It’s a disease just like cancer. You don’t see cancer patients saying “I am cancer”. They say they have cancer. + +I think saying “I’m bipolar” makes it seem like I’m saying that it’s my identity. I remind myself all the time that bipolar is not an identity, its just a journey that I’m on. A journey that is different than anyone else’s.",Bipolar +49714,"What am I doing with my life. I guess you could say I’ve done a lot in my lifetime, but I feel like I’ve just failed a lot. Before I was diagnosed I was on the fast track to be a lawyer at 22. That didn’t happen and now I am divorced and jobless with a useless bachelor’s degree. I can’t take classes at my community college because I can’t afford them. I can’t take university classes because I’ve dropped classes so many times they won’t give me financial aid. I have terrible credit and I am deep in credit card, personal, and student loan debt. I try getting jobs but don’t stay at them for more than a few months. I just can’t bring myself to do things I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I need to do to survive I will still just quit. That’s why I’m in such a bad spot. I don’t know what to do with my life. People say just get a flexible part-time job doing easy stuff, but if I don’t enjoy it I will literally quit two months in. My parent’s have been supporting me my entire life, even when I was married (my ex was a loser). I feel so bad for them to have this failure of a child. I’m not eligible for disability because I haven’t worked enough hours and I'm not eligible for SSI because my parents provide me with everything. Not that I could live off of either of those anyways. I’m so frustrated with myself. I'm not sure if I have any hopes or dreams left. I don’t know if I need advice or just to vent, but here I am.",Bipolar +49715,"Are we neurodivergent? I was reading the post about crapping on coping mechanisms that was posted recently and I was surprised to hear that many people consider themselves neurodivergent because of their bipolar. + +Please inform me if I sound really ignorant! + +I was under the impression that neurodivergence is an innate difference in thinking, permeating everything you do and the brain is inherently wired differently. This is most often associated with ADHD and Autism spectrum disorders. + +I personally feel that although I have a mental illness, that when well controlled and stable I am “wired” the same as most people. My therapist described an allegory that stuck for me which was “Your personality is the climate, and your mood is the weather”. + +I think that my climate is “neurotypical” and I do not identify myself as neurodivergent, more as someone who deals with periods of mental illness. + +What do you think about this?",Bipolar +49716,"I feel so shameful when I see how tidy and well decorated other people’s homes are Then I come home to a sink full of dishes, a carpet that hasn’t been vacuumed in ages, piles of clothes that haven’t been folded, cups and cans everywhere, and the list just goes on. I want to have a clean, cozy home with house plants that I’m proud to show off to people, but I don’t even feel capable of holding myself together for long enough to achieve anything close. I feel like a disaster of a human and I don’t know how to help myself.",Bipolar +49717,Brain candy guess Guess my brain candy (5 days Worth + suplements for the vegan on to!!,Bipolar +49718,"Saved a ton of water thanks to not showering due to depression I just got my annual bill and I used a fifth less water than previous years. Since November I've been showering very little. At one point it got so bad I wouldn't shower for 10 days, so yeah that saved a lot of water lol. Doesn't make up for all the money I spent during hypomania that came after, but it's still nice haha",Bipolar +49719,"Just diagnosed, super confused and scared 21F here. hi all, here we go: + +a few months ago, i had my first manic (hypomanic?) episode. It lasted 1-2 months. + +well, after all of the weird behavior, i was urged to see a psychiatrist. and then I was diagnosed. + +Ever since being diagnosed and given medication (my first time ever taking daily meds…), i feel somewhat at unease. Even though i have a weird feeling, right now i feel pretty stable and happy. i honestly didnt know medicine could change my life so much. + +But i feel like after experiencing my first manic episode, something in me has changed. Even when im feeling stable, theres some underlying feeling my mood may swing at any given moment. I am still working on finding the best meds for me, so maybe that may have something to do with it? + +I dont know. did you guys experience something similar after your first manic/hypomanic episode? Did the underlying unease ever go away? + +Sorry if I said anything wrong, i feel like there is still so much i dont know about bipolar. I had a great-aunt who was in and out of hospitals in her 20s for being bipolar, but she was shunned from the family from being addicted to drugs and leaving her kids. Any time i try to ask about her/her bipolar diagnosis, i get shut down. + +I am low-key afraid to google about it. So, all i know really is from what my psychiatrist has told me, which is a lot (with diagrams and everything). It was just a lot to take in.",Bipolar +49720,I am literally so tired of living like this I am 22f and I have bipolar type 2. I forgot my meds for two days and it triggered a depressive episode and im so pissed at myself because i thought i was doing good. Im so upset. I hate how it always ends back in this crazy headspace. I know its the bipolar but ohmygod this shit sucks so bad. I have to live my whole life with these random episodes of shit. Im tired. Sorry I am ranting. I just want a break for a year or something. Id do anything for relief from this disorder at this point,Bipolar +49721,"When u guys are stable, how 'stable' is that? Since I started taking meds(2year ago) this last six months is where I consider myself truly stable, but I still get sometimes some ups and downs that I feel isnt 'normal' if u know what I mean so and sometimes I'm self aware of intrusive thoughts and I try to reason with myself somehow but my mood still is affected by it + + Reading some stories shared here I started to wonder what 'stable' mean for each individual and how often do you feel stable but you think ""Am I really?"" + +I think every person with bipolar eventually will ask questions about what is part of their personality and what is the disease for lack of better word and I often think about the past and wonder ""was it that truly myself? how bad I felt, how good, when I was depressed, when I felt awesome and thought I could have accomplished big things, when I felt that I didnt fit anywhere and nothing was worthing pursuing... thelist goes on + +Share your thoughts with me people",Bipolar +49722,"Existing is so hard I don’t even have it bad (except for mental illness obviously) yet being awake is so fucking stressful. I have a supportive family, a great boyfriend, good friends, etc but I still want to be d3ad. Im on Wellbutrin, buspar, Vraylar and klonopin AND IM STILL DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS AND EMOTIONAL. I get they aren’t a cure all and I’d be much worse off meds, but what’s the point if I still can’t function in life?? I can’t work a normal job but I keep getting turned down for disability even though I over qualify. I fucking need money to live a life I don’t even want and I can’t get it. I’m about to explode",Bipolar +49723,"I'm starting my bachelor thesis on Monday and I'm already freaking out due to some technical trouble on the school's part. How do I get through this? Like the title said, I'm starting work on my thesis Monday. However, my school platform, where we have access to grading criteria, templates, general information about the whole thing, is currently having technical issues and I can't access anything. My teacher said we'll look into it tomorrow, but I'm panicking. In a few hours, it'll be fixed, but it feels so far away. + +What if there's something wrong and I'm not registered? What if there's been a mistake and I can't start my thesis? I've already done all the preparation, I worked hard to get permission to do my research at a company I'm really eager to work for and I would die of shame if I had to contact them to tell them I wouldn't be able to do the work as planned. + +My thoughts are spiralling. It's almost midnight here and I'm too wound up to go to sleep, so I'll be exhausted tomorrow, even if I do manage to get some sleep. I'm terrified this will trigger an episode. + +I'm just so scared right now. + +How do I get through this? It's only 12 weeks left of my Bachelor's. What if I fall apart right before the finish line?",Bipolar +49724,"bipolar and adhd, have you found successful treatment and what is it like? I've been diagnosed adhd for years, and refused treatment. 15 years later and I need treatment for depression and mania. And it feels like my adhd is no longer able to be managed. + +I just wanna know, will treatment help with the procrastination and feeling overwhelmed by everything? Will I be better than what I was before? + +If you need dual treatment, what changes did you and those around you notice?",Bipolar +49725,"psychiatrist told me not to google my medication, feeling weird about it starting this off by establishing that I am autistic, and one of my interests is self categorization. this can make me come across as a hypochondriac or doctor shopper, as I know my disorders/illnesses very well. once I started seeking treatment for my bipolar I learned everything there was to learn, joined communities such as this one, and started talking to others with bipolar. + +as a result of this, I learned a lot about medication. not even really on purpose, learning about the meds people are on is just an inevitable of being in a group like this. + +my psyche prescribed me abilify today, and out of curiosity I asked if that was the med known to sometimes lead to tardive dyskinesia. I'm not against trying abilify, all meds can have horrible side effects, but I wanted to know if that's what I was potentially getting myself into. I love my psyche, she's super nice and receptive, but she sorta laughed and told me to ""stop googling your medication"" which rubbed me the wrong way. it's a drug I'm unfamiliar with, should I not want to be prepared for the potential risks? I've told her before I'm open to trying anything, so it's not like I was telling her I wouldn't take it because I was scared, I was just asking a question so I know what to look out for. + +**I'm not gonna stop seeing her because this is such a small thing, but am I overreacting by feeling a bit icked out?**",Bipolar +49726,"Choice Theory tl;dr should I read Choice Theory or should I change therapists? + +So, my therapist has suggested that I read Choice Theory by William Glasser... I used a credit on audible to get it, it is a little over 12 hours long... I haven't started it yet, but what I have read about choice theory tells me I will disagree with a main premise, which my therapist and I kinda got into today... + +He insists that thoughts and emotions are choices. Going so far as to say that mental illness is a choice. In regards to bipolar, if you are not having negative consequences, do you have bipolar? Because you can choose your actions and reactions and emotions and thoughts. + +That medicine is a crutch and is not necessary. + +He says that this gives you the power to control your life and swings and even get rid of swings. + +This came up when I was asking about tools because my regular tool for dealing with intrusive thoughts isn't really cutting it for me right now (having the thought, then saying to myself, is this thought beneficial/useful/helpful to me?) + +There are several things here that I am in complete disagreement with. Medicine is necessary, thoughts and emotions are not controllable (i.e. they just happen, but can potentially be directed) and, mental illness is real and not a choice. + +Sure you can do things to help mitigate symptoms and try and improve yourself, but ~~I am pretty sure~~ I will always have bipolar. He has planted a seed of doubt. That my entire array of health issues might be psychosomatic. I also see gastro/neuro/cardiologists. It is incredibly invalidating...",Bipolar +49727,"Sappy post: loving each of you is helping my love myself Title says it. I love all of your humor, your strengths, your obstacles, all of it. I realized its helping me view myself as a real person and accept my own ups and downs as well! So, thanks for sharing your lives, internet strangers.",Bipolar +49728,"Forgetting episodes Does anyone else have holes in their memory from specific hypomania and/or depressive episodes. When family have brought up situations where I was manic or depressed I generally have very little to no recognition of what they’re talking about and it usually takes a lot of detailing to get me to vaguely remember. + +Please tell me I’m not alone 😬 it’s a little scary.",Bipolar +49729,"Has anyone tried Fanapt or have experiences? My psych just prescribed me 1mg fanapt and I’ve never heard of it before. Just wanted to see if anyone has had experiences with it. It’s also hard to get, I had to special order it to a specific pharmacy.",Bipolar +49730,"Friendships I keep getting into fights with my closest friends and it's almost like I can't help it. I always start them and I always say sorry earnestly after. They know I'm bipolar. My two closest friends aren't talking to me right now and I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of my life. I'm just wondering if y'all can give tips on maintaining close friendships. I'm bipolar 1 btw, not fully stable yet, I'm manic right now and I'm on lamictal and abilify. Was diagnosed almost a year ago.",Bipolar +49731,"My dr said that it seems like I have bipolar and prescribed me lamotrigine I went to my pcp 2 weeks ago for a follow up and was describing what I like to call ‘god mode’ when I can do anything, have unlimited energy, basically feel like I could fight god and win vs the times I get so depressed I can’t do anything except lay in bed and doomscroll. she said that it sounds like manic episodes and depressive episodes (I like my names better) and started me on lamotrigine. my last therapist also said I have bipolar but she was also a quack and I have no idea how she was allowed to become a therapist. I did a few days in grippy sock jail after going through several months of god mode until god nerfed me I did the bad and they said that all I had was major depressive disorder and anxiety +I guess I just don’t know what to think or what to do",Bipolar +49732,"Cold showers Going to try it to help shake this depression cycle. It’s lasting longer than usual and I can’t afford to let go all of my progress. My usual go to methods are not stimulating me enough to make the switch. + +Anyone tried cold showers? How did it turn out for you?",Bipolar +49733,"i just saw my ex that never posted me have his new girlfriends initial in his bio and a highlight for her im feeling the emotions i get when i’m manic. i haven’t been aware of my BP for long. is this enough to trigger a sort of episode? + +i saw the colors around me change, my eyes started watering and i got the feeling in my chest i feel when i’m in an episode. + +i can’t tell.",Bipolar +49734,"I'm spiraling out of control and being diagnosed with a deadly virus, with a cure that costs $70k-90k. I'm splitting on everyone I know and actively trying to make my situation worse that way I can't come back from it.. (bipolar 2 + BPD) A week and a half ago I was diagnosed with hepatitis c. A deadly virus that costs about $70,000-$90,000 to cure. (I work an entry level retail job and can't afford it) + +This diagnosis caused me to go from feeling on top of the world, and stable, to actively wanting to die, feeling that nobody wants me around or loves me, and splitting on everyone around me. + +Today I told the people I'm close to that I'm suicidal, and then I blocked them all. + +I don't want relationships anymore. I always let people down, and I don't feel like anybody ""needs me"". I genuinely don't want to be close to anyone again, because either I get let down, or I let them down, or I push them away. + +It's only going to be a matter of time before I am fired from my job, and I'm homeless. I don't have any food, as I don't have a car or a way to get it, and I'm miserable. + +I've been writing ""letters"" if you get what I'm saying. And I've been planning things out in my head.. + +I feel like this isn't something I can pull myself out of. + +Even if I did manage to start feeling better, I'd still me an unwanted outcast with a deadly, contagious virus. I hate myself, I hate my life.",Bipolar +49735,"How to explain what BD is like? Hi friends! Sorry if this is the wrong place to post. + +I (20F) was diagnosed with BD2 back around October, so still fairly recent. I am super lucky to have a family that encourages me to keep going to therapy and stay on medication, however I’m finding they don’t really *understand* what I’m going through. + +While I’m aware there’s no real way for them to conceptualize what is actually happening to me during hypo episodes more specifically (was misdiagnosed w depression at 17, depression I feel is a little easier understood) I’d like to be able to have them be aware of what an episode is like. I can’t exactly put it all into words when trying to explain it to them myself, and I often feel like doing that ends up scaring/worrying them more. So I’m looking for a resource that can detail what hypomania is really like, whether that be a day-to-day kind of thing, or just an extensive list of symptoms. + +Most recently I spent several days awake, and have had obvious weight loss, which led my dad to ask my older brother if he thought I had been getting into meth/coke, as my dad was previously addicted to meth and experienced similar symptoms. + +Thanks to all who took the time to read this!",Bipolar +49736,"Being in a relationship as a bipolar person is like having two relationships. Nobody outside of this type of relationship will ever understand. + +When I’m stable, I am the best husband. Our relationship is amazing. Model relationship. + +Then when I’m manic (which for me usually swings between periods of high anxiety/irritability or intense happiness), we have a troubling relationship. + +It’s so weird how one can snap back to the other. I feel so bad for my wife who is a rock. But, everyday I strive to keep myself stable for her.",Bipolar +49737,"I recreated a few drawings during my rapid cycling...feel free to tell me they suck. I am a type ll and my hypomania makes me want to colour everything while my depression makes me want to kill myself...so I tried this method of venting...hope you like them... +Thank you for reading",Bipolar +49738,"Newly diagnosed I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 three days ago and have already been diagnosed with anxiety and autism. I don't know where to start. I am relieved, because my mother thought I was having hormonal changes or I was exaggerating, but my father actually tried to help. Whenever I think of those moments, being frustrated over my mother saying that I was using it as an excuse after I got diagnosed with anxiety, it saddens me. I feel better because now she is more careful. What do I do know ? I have some coping methods like music, physics, math, etc.",Bipolar +49739,"What do you do when people hurt you I've been hurt so many times by people I decided to trust. Im just over people at this point, because of my illness anyone can hurt me SO MUCH MORE than I could ever hurt them. It's too hard trying to manage my emotions even without factoring in the selfishness and unpredictability of people. + +&#x200B; + +Should I start trusting again? It's been 2 months and now I'm just bored, but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm still reeling from the extreme pain of the last time I was hurt. People have too much power over me, last time I was hurt it induced a mixed episode which resulted in psychosis and 2 suicide attempts. People are inherently selfish, I'm 100% convinced of this fact. But im getting bored and lonely.",Bipolar +49740,"I had depression since 13 And I got diagnosed with bipolar when I was 24. + +Is any of you diagnosed with depression kinda stuff during childhood? + +I feel I am the only one and this feels goddamn lonely",Bipolar +49741,"Possibly losing parenting rights due to bipolar disorder The most recent manic episode I had was after being depressed and diagnosed with major depressive disorder to be prescribed Zoloft. Within 6 weeks I was staying up for 9 days and delusional. I thought my partner was going to kill me so I called 911. The police arrived and I was very agitated and explained my delusions and they took me to the nearest psych ward for an evaluation. Unfortunately, that psych ward didn’t keep me long enough despite my volunteering to stay longer. They also gave me a medication I ended up allergic to which took treatment even longer. + +This resulted in asking my in-laws who live in a different state miles away to help me care for my daughter until I found the right medication combination and was stable. I knew it could take a few months and I had no one else available local to me. The only way my inlaws would take my daughter is if I signed over guardianship. I was under the impression it would only be for a year at the most. But honestly, I wasn’t really in the right mind to consent to that paperwork. I just knew I needed help and I did what I could to ensure my daughter had the best care possible while I got stable. + +Fast forward to now my partner and I petitioned the courts to end guardianship as I have been stable for 2 years. I have letters from my therapist and pdoc stating I am in treatment and stable and medication compliant. + +Well, my in-laws are trying to prove I am unfit for things I did while I was manic so they can adopt my daughter without my consent or permission through the courts. They're also trying to prove that my partner (their child) is unfit I am less worried about that. + +My therapist says they're on a witch hunt and that they're just trying to raddle me and no judge would grant them adoption. I hope she's right. + +I just wanted to share what I am going through because 1. support would be nice. and 2. if anyone else is going through this you aren't alone.",Bipolar +49742,"Do you also do this during hypomanic (mixed?) episodes? TLDR : I'm bipolar type two with mixed features currently in a hypomanic (mixed?) episode. +I experience some of these things: +- clenched jaw +- 10-15 minute panic attack that disappears in a few seconds leaving you confused but not feeling bad (just very confused) +- nightmares and night sweating +- completely forgetting to eat and losing the instinct of eating or liking food except shit like sweets cola coffee and chips (with cigs ofc) +Do you? + +Note : I'm like 95% sure I'm hypomanic right now and have been for almost a month but was in denial until a week ago, seeing psychiatrist on Friday to talk. + +Anyway, I'm experiencing these things and was wondering if anyone else had this: +- clenched jaw most of the time +- random 10-15 minute panic attack/dark dissociation (few times a week, had one where i couldn't contain a scream that was just so guttural like I was giving birth and then started hyperventilating so hard I almost fainted and had to sit down and hold onto something to not fall), but then all of a sudden you have a posotive thought and it disappearears in a second making you wonder what even happened and laughing at how dramatic you are +- nightmares or night sweating +- completely FORGETTING TO EAT, like losing the instinct to eat, even when I'm hungry I don't think about food but I think of resolving the problem so I stuff myself with the easiest fastest food that's kinda nutritious and idc about the taste, like plain slices of protein bread, Bananas (I don't even like the texture or the taste of bananas but its the cleanest and most efficient for hunger), vegan pre-made protein shakes in bottles (over 2 months I've consumed about ~100 of them, I have one every morning and other shit ""meal"" mentioned above) and SOMETIMES have the patience to boil a pack of ravioli that takes 3 minutes to cook and eat it just with olive oil and balsamic vinegar or airfry in 10 minutes a pack of vegan nuggets or fish sticks and eat them plain, yup, no sauce and not evem fried, such a treat (less dishes). + +Btw I'm also diagnosed with mixed episodes and I've experienced them, but usually they are way darker and cold with a bit of psychotic moments, and I just feel superior to others like an evil God and I'm full of rage. +Whereas here I feel quite at peace but a bit out of control, but I know that I'm gonna take care of it soon (going back tomorrow to my parents). And overall I feel happy everyday and grateful and I feel like the world is so beautiful but I just have those breakdowns described above few times a week if not almost daily these days... + +Mmh yeah I talk a lot but that's a known hypimanic thing. + +Thank you for reading if you did and have a good (insert what it is for you) ! ✨️",Bipolar +49743,"Bipolar doubt I was diagnosed with Bipolar last May after trying to kill myself and did seven nights in a pysc ward which did me so much good. + +For awhile before my diagnosis I had talked to my doc about ADHD cause I felt I fitted the symptoms of that so was in shock when I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar. When on what I call highs I get extremely productive. I get so much done and take up new hobbies that never last more than a couple of months. My lows are never so bad I'm depressed, but I have no energy mentally or physically and no interest in doing anything and I fall behind on everything. The house gets messy and I struggle to achieve anything. + +I have 3 kids so my anxiety goes through the roof when things get messy. I'm snappy to be around for my wife and my mother and I get into moods because everything in the house is messy again. It's like a vicious circle. My lows causes me to let the place get untidy and the mess causes me to spiral into worse moods. + +But sometimes when I read what other people go through and mine doesn't seem so bad in comparison I start to doubt I even have Bipolar. These thoughts sneak into my head, I feel like an imposter and that I'm not really as bad as I think, and I'm only lazy, subconsciously tricking people and cheating by being on illness benefit. + +Are these thoughts normal? I feel so guilty with myself then and it makes my anxiety even worse?",Bipolar +49744,"Do your episodes result in physical health problems? I've been battling bipolar for about about 8 years and just recently diagnosed and medicated in the past year and a half. Every episode I have results in my thyroid swelling up as a reaction to stress (like so big the endocrinologist gasped when he saw it), I have a whole bunch of nodules on my thyroid and now instead of the thyroid swelling up, it's the nodules that are filling with fluid and swelling up....only when I'm at the end of an episode so I know it's due to stress and the endocrinologist agrees. I've also experienced SIBO and I still do if I don't follow a strict diet, I became allergic to fragrance, coconut on skin, and Aloe Vera all out of nowhere, and my hair was falling out, this all happened when I was unmedicated, undiagnosed and extremely stressed out and my anxiety was through the roof. I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced extreme stress from these episodes that's resulted in other illnesses?",Bipolar +49745,"It’s here! I’m complimenting everyone and chatting with every stranger I meet. I did a bunch of art projects this weekend and have been having super great ideas lately (at least I think they’re great). The hypomania is here. That is all. + +(And I’m posting on Reddit more)",Bipolar +49746,"Has anyone ever... Has anyone ever stumble or read about something that could happen in the future and you start feeling weird and anxious and scared that it WILL happen because you read it, as if you could manifest/will the scenario into existence? because you feel like you have abilities to predict it to happen?? and the thing would probably never happened if you didn't read it.",Bipolar +49747,Med adjustments People who consider their bipolar well managed are you ever symptomatic? I’ve been stable and and symptom free for years but recently I have been struggling with some racing thoughts and i feel completely overwhelmed…. I am in a stressful situation that will be over in a 3-4 weeks. Do you call your Dr and change your meds or do you just ride it out?,Bipolar +49748,"Is it weird I’m mad I can’t even enjoy my hypomania? So I’m bipolar I, I’ve had pretty severe psychotic episodes before. After a REALLY stressful day when I had to bring my dog to the vet ER, I think it triggered some hypomania. I feel euphoric- hitting the gym, banging out a bunch of projects at work, trying to buy a house all of a sudden (even though my lease doesn’t end til November), having sex with my husband every day. But in the back of my mind I’m constantly worried this could spiral into a full blown manic episode. This is the first time since last summer I’ve actually felt GOOD. Like I’m actually going out every day feeling happy. And I can’t even really enjoy it because I’m chronically anxious it will spiral out of control. I hate that I can’t just be happy.",Bipolar +49749,"my amusing hypomania sign just a funny anecdote, one of my telltale signs of being hypomanic is midnight baking/cooking. batches of cookies, muffins, bread. it may suck but damn is it delicious",Bipolar +49750,"Feeling like I'm being watched/judged constantly but not necessarily by one person/thing- How do I cope with this? I've noticed that I often feel like everyone is watching me and judging every single thing and I have to act accordingly to not come off as weird. Like for example, when I'm at a crosswalk waiting to cross it feels like every single car is staring at me. Not even necessarily the people in the cars but the cars themselves are looking at me almost if that makes sense? It usually feels invasive but if I'm being honest, sometimes I weirdly enjoy it and I think it's some weird part of my brain wanting attention to be pulled to me. It's confusing and I'm not really sure how to deal with it.",Bipolar +49751,"My girlfriend who doesn’t rely on meds is tellin me I’m just using them as a band aid and how dangerous they are I take caplyta , lithium and now Prozac … and she just got on me for tellin her I now take Prozac , which I quickly regretted and told her I’m never tellin her anything about my meds again , it pisses me off . I told her I don’t need her or my family tellin me what’s good for me …idk venting and looking for insight if you have any , thanks",Bipolar +49752,"Is it normal to still see very brief hallucinations on antipsychotics I’m not experiencing psychosis or mania but sometimes I look in the mirror and I see something that isn’t there. This also happens with auditory hallucinations, where I hear someone calling my name when they’re not there. + +I’ve kind of accepted that I’m just gonna experience the world a little differently than everyone else at this point. These “hallucinations” don’t bother me at all and only last a few seconds, definitely not something that warrants switching medication.",Bipolar +49753,"They They don’t like me when I’m depressed, they don’t like me when I’m manic +Why does the way I act put everyone in a panic +Fuck, this is the way that I am +They just wanna medicate and slaughter the lamb + +I’m a pure soul +My rhymes got that sick flow +What you fronting for +Mood like a revolving door + +And I don’t even care +Used to smoke blunts and blow it in the air +But they don’t like that either +Had to give up the weed and the ether + +So here I am numb just the way you like me +Won’t scare anyone won’t just do it like Nike +So I’ll go through the motions +Although they still have their notions + +Thought I would ride til I die +In my dreams I can still fly +Anything to feel alive +But they took away my keys so I can’t drive + +So I guess I’ll express myself as a poet +I’m still the shit don’t care if you know it +Just another face in the crowd +Hide me away in a shroud",Bipolar +49754,"has anyone’s manis been triggered by self harm? i know mania can be triggered by stress, but has anyone’s mania been triggered by self harm? + +i know in the moment it doesn’t feel traumatic but self harm is traumatic. + +i’m struggling with thoughts of self harm + +i haven’t been aware of my BP for long and i don’t know what triggers my episodes, and i want to know if i were to self harm if i would trigger an episode.",Bipolar +49755,"Anyone take Asenapine with a CPAP? I have been taking Saphris (Asenapine). For over 10 years and also use a CPAP. One weird thing I have noticed is if I take the Saphris right before putting my cpap mask on, the Saphris doesn’t seem to work as well. I think it’s because the air from the machine dries out my throat and because the med is sublingual, it does not dissolve correctly. Has anyone else noticed this?",Bipolar +49756,"Scared and need to vent Yesterday I went to the walk in clinic because I was SURE I was having some sort of heart irregularity or attack, the doctor told me she thinks it is because I haven't been taking lamotragine (I ran out, and since i lost my health insurance haven't been able to get regular care. I have been on lamotragine since 2017) I am on my way to pick it up now, surprisingly I can afford it through their discount program...I am just so SO scared that I actually need this medication, I know that might not make much sense but it is just starting to feel so real that I might not be able to live without it. I didn't know going without it would literally feel like i was having a heart attack. I had been starting to think that maybe I had even been misdiagnosed back then, but that seems common on this sub...idk, I don't have my parents, or friends, or really any support network... I also can't afford therapy, so i just needed to vent about how scared I feel :( I was certain it was a heart attack.",Bipolar +49757,"In a deep depression My fiancé left me on Monday and I’m in a deep depression. She gave no sign that she was unhappy or anything and just left. I’m suffering badly and don’t want to be here right now. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to her but she wants nothing to do to with me. We had so many plans and dreams with each other. Last week we were looking at places to get married. I’m fucking miserable and don’t know what to do. + +I called my provider but earliest she can see me is the 10th. My anxiety and paranoia are extremely high and I just want my brain to shut off. It doesn’t help that it’s possible I’m schizoaffective disorder and not bipolar. I just want her back and to hear her laugh again.",Bipolar +49758,Sweating when hypomanic? Diagnosed and medicated since 2013. Wondering if anyone else starts to sweat significantly more during a hypomanic or manic episode? I can feel I'm om the verge of an episode and I just cannot stop sweating. I'm curious is anyone else has this experience.,Bipolar +49759,"What to actually do during a depressive episode? Hi! So I’m seeing a psychiatrist for my depression and I might be bipolar. I’m on medication now but it’s not working yet. I have more energy than before, but burned down my studies and social life because of my depression and I still feel like shit. + +I’m not bad enough for inpatient and there’s no intensive outpatient where I am and I barely have therapy. I don’t know what to do, I’m glad I’m not just crying, staring into nothingness and sleeping anymore. However, there’s only so much drawing, reading and bingewatching I can do and I feel like I’m slowly going mad with boredom but I don’t know where to find meaning right now. How can I fill my days in a non-toxic way?",Bipolar +49760,"When do I tell him? I’ve been dating this guy for the past nine months. We’re mutually exclusive but not yet bf/gf. I have bipolar 2 disorder and have been diagnosed on a few occasions. +I fear that if I tell him, or he experiences me during an episode it’ll be too much. +So my question is when is the right time? How do I have this conversation? When did you tell your partner?",Bipolar +49761,,Bipolar +49762,"Minimal success for 8 months Hi! I'm headed into work, so going to just get this out fast in hopes someone can give me advice. + +I have been at home for almost 4 years with mostly depression, some hypo mania, and one scary manic episode brought on by an antidepressant. I also have extreme anxiety and adhd. + +I started Lithium in August and was able to help my husband at work within a month. I came out of my shell, began to make eye contact, conversation, and was hired on as an administrative assistant. My career was teaching, but I know I can not be that person anymore. + +I have struggled the whole time, but was managing okay enough to continue. I am not okay again. Work is stressful in an unreasonable way and I can feel myself crashing. I am terrified of becoming the hermit I was for 4 years. I was hospitalized last March wanting to die from so much empty. I need to keep a purpose. + +Anxiety is almost unbearable and the empty, I can't do it anymore feeling is taking over. Music and TV feels fake and every task is a huge effort. These are some of my signs. I am back to needing ativan to function most days and adderal the others. How can I prevent a full crash? Help! + +Current meds: +Lithium 600mg at night +Ativan a couple times a week and increasing +Adderal when I am paralyzed several days a week. +I just added 500 mg magnesium glycinate and Vit D3. +Any words of wisdom are appreciated.",Bipolar +49763,tired and angry i’m just so over everything honestly. i use to love cleaning and self care and now it take all my energy to shower once a week. i’ve been on all these different medications and the only one that worked my insurance randomly decided they didn’t want to pay for it anymore. my psychiatrist is frustrated with me because i haven’t started therapy but i genuinely can’t afford it right now and i fully believe i’m in a place where therapy just isn’t a good idea. i’m on geodon right now and it just makes me feel nothing. i miss who i was before this diagnosis…. it’s all so exhausting.,Bipolar +49764,"I’m new I’m very recently diagnosed (in conjunction w ASD). I’m just very scared of my head; I’m scared of the way my brain makes me think and I am scared of how little control I have over it. Ive no idea what world I’ve entered into, mostly because I don’t understand much yet, despite wanting to. I’ve studied psychology at university before dropping out (multiple times), and it’s so easy to look at things on the outside and understand them, but to look introspectively is so difficult. It’s difficult to analyse the thoughts I should and shouldn’t listen to. It’s difficult to place or recognise moments of irritability, excitement, etc. Sometimes I’m panicking without even knowing I’m panicking or why. Im just very much in a state of barely knowing what’s going on in my head until the aftermath, unless it’s depressive thoughts, those are pretty easy to figure out, and by far the most common for me. People near me just say I shouldn’t think that way, but it’s hard explaining why I feel I have no control over how I genuinely feel… if that makes sense. + +Does it get better? I’ve been prescribed mood stabilisers.",Bipolar +49765,"Switching meds, planning pregnancy, and moving across country. Recipe for disaster? For context I have type one and a history of 4 hospitalisations in 7 years. ECT (worked amazingly but only for a while), tried loads of medications and it seems like we've finally found a combo that works. I haven't had a serious episode for over two years now. + +I have a two year old son and, despite the manic episode I had after four days is labour when he was born, he's the best thing that has ever happened to my mental health. I love him to bits even though he was a surprise and I was totally sure I wasn't ready. + +Now my husband and I want a sibling for him. We both never had siblings of our own, so he has no cousins and we both wish we had siblings. We want a baby sooner rather than later because the age gap keeps getting bigger. 3 years difference is ok, but 4 seems like much more to me. I don't know. I've started taking folic acid and we should be ready to start trying to conceive in May. + +We also happen to be moving across the UK for my husband's work in July. If all goes well, I could be pregnant by then. + +I told my psychiatrist this and he told me that my antidepressant, clomipramine, is dangerous to the baby in pregnancy and can cause serious heart defects. He wants to switch me to an SSRI (citalopram), which I've tried several of and they haven't done much for me in the past. Clomipramine worked for me I think because it's also effective in OCD and while I don't have OCD, my depressive thoughts are definitely obsessive. I've been taking clomipramine for since a mild depressive episode I had a year ago and since I haven't had any depression at all and I haven't gone manic either. + +I'm just worried with the move (even though I'm really looking forward to it) and the pregnancy and the medication change might be too much. As a mother, I feel having a serious episode is not an option, but then am I just putting more pressure on myself? Is this crazy? Should I try it or wait another year with the baby? Even just changing medication worries me, but I can't consider pregnancy without doing that first. + +I don't know exactly what I'm asking for here. Reassurance? Sanity check? Advice? Any and all of that is welcome.",Bipolar +49766,"Head noise, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking Anybody else feel like their brain is bombarding them constantly? It’s 3 major things for me: + +1. Music in my head. All the time, non-stop. Sometimes it’s a real song, sometimes it’s a song I made up in my head. Sometimes it’s a song I like, sometimes it’s super annoying (even my own songs). + +2. Intrusive thoughts. Could be anything from violent and disturbing images to something super benign. I have a bag of Mamma Chia brand chia seeds, every time I see I think “mamma chia, mamma chia figaro.” + +3. Obsessive thinking. I’ll become interested in a subject to the point where I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ll try to focus on something else, but I creeps back in and I wind up reading the same Wikipedia article 100 times instead of doing what I’m supposed to be doing. + +Just wanted to see if anyone can relate to this.",Bipolar +49767,"recently diagnosed & very anxious when it comes to meds hey all. + +i was recently diagnosed. to sum up my dilemma, my entire life anytime i’ve had a medical problem arise, i’ve always been dismissed as it being “anxiety”. i have a history of unexplained syncope episodes & wacky blood test results but no doctor has ever taken me seriously. perks of being a 22 year old female. i’ve been told to take antidepressants for viral illnesses & the like. so i’ve grown costumed to having a distrust towards doctors or i feel like they just use me for money & don’t listen to me, ya know? + +anyway, that’s not why i’m here. i hit rock bottom a few months ago & have been seeing a wonderful therapist who truly advocates for me & gives me a voice. he referred me to a psychologist & we did the whole genesight thing. she wants me to start taking latuda. + +i did the whole googling the medicine thing & asked some friends about it, & i have yet to see a good review. i also don’t want to be even more tired than i am now as i’m exhausted 24/7 as is. & im scared meds could impact work or school. + +i guess i’m just here asking for validation to ease my anxiety. will meds actually help me? or will i feel miserable? i’m really scared. i’m so hyper aware of my body & i freak out about any minor change, even headaches. but also as the months go on the more i feel wildly reckless & isolated. if i start taking them, & want to get off them, will they forever change me like antidepressants can? i’d rather enjoy my few months of mania no matter how wild it can be vs forever be different.. + +i don’t mean for any of this to seem invalidating or disrespectful by the way. it’s just my experiences/paranoia",Bipolar +49768,Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is the best representation of BP This film really triggered my anxiety in the theater because of its accurate representation of a panic attack. But the real kicker for me is how Puss looks at himself in his previous 8 lives compared to his 9th one. I feel like that is a perfect representation of my mania to now my first real depressive episode I have had. I also just received my diagnosis and it’s hits me so hard because it’s like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I feel just like Puss… anyone else feel this way about this movie?,Bipolar +49769,"Stable for years Hey everyone + +thanks for taking time to read this. + +I've question to everyone here who is stable for more than 5 years. + +What are the things that helped you for being stable ?",Bipolar +49770,"Why are people crapping on coping mechanisms? I've heard so many people on this sub complain when a non neurodivergent tells them they should start to-do lists, or journal, or exercising. + +These are all great coping mechanisms, I understand the loneliness of being neurodivergent but shitting on routines and healthy habits isn't going to help anyone. + +I have to take medication AND journal AND do lists AND therapy AND medication AND take walks in nature AND a bunch of other stuff. Are y'all not doing that? Cause it damn sure helps",Bipolar +49771,"Writing letters to friends is the only thing I can do to get through the day So, I'm currently in a manic episode. I think it's hypomanic, but my psychiatrist calls me manic. Anyway, usually I enjoy watching movies or reading books and exercise. But I now I've found that I don't have any concentration to do anything except writing my friends letters through mail. I get to ramble on and on and on about anything that pops into my mind and the beauty of it all is: I can edit it all out the way I like it, so all the rapid thoughts that are racing through my mind seem to come out of my coherently. I don't know what you guys can do with this information, but I just want to share it with you. Life can be really beautiful if things are going well.",Bipolar +49772,Thankful I just want to take a minute and say how much I appreciate each and every one of you. I am an icu nurse with a recent bipolar diagnosis and I get on here everyday because it just gives me a sense of comfort and relief knowing I’m not going through this alone. So thank you everyone for sharing/commenting. It really does help me get through my day. Love you all ❤️,Bipolar +49773,"Slamming on the breaks Hi, I am curious if any of you have techniques on how to stop a hypomanic episode that doesn’t include popping an AP pill. + +For me, I find that doing a lot of cardio or eating a high-carb meal (a bowl of pasta) slows my brain down.",Bipolar +49774,"my psychiatrist doesnt listen to me i just got done with an appointment with her and when i tried to bring up some of my concerns about things she basically said « youre just unstable » and increased my lithium dosage. + +i spent so long organizing all my thoughts and all the things i wanted to say to her and she ended our session after not even 10 minutes !!!!!! oh my god i cant stand her",Bipolar +49775,"Shortened Medical Leave Background information: I was diagnosed with bipolar type II back in September and I work as a teacher. Recently I experienced the worst depressive episode of my life which forced me to apply for medical leave. Today my leave was accepted but only from March 6th (earlier this month) to April 6th. My doctor and I agreed that taking the remainder of the school year off was in my best interest and the paperwork my doctor submitted reflected that. + +Is it normal for only a fraction of the specified leave time to be approved? I was told I can apply for an extension but it's just filling out the same exact form with the same exact information. I'm terrified that my leave won't be extended and I'll either have to quit my job or force myself to go back much earlier than anticipated. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.",Bipolar +49776,"For those who experience hallucinations, are you afraid of them? I’ve started occasionally hallucinating shadow people in my peripheral vision. When it happens, I get the feeling they want to hurt me or might be hunting me. At one point I felt like they might be waiting by my apartment to, idk, “get” me. I consciously know they aren’t real but I’m still scared of them. Is that normal? Is that standard for just hallucinating or is that also something like paranoia? + +Edit: I don’t mean like being afraid because it’s happening. I think if it were voices I’d be fine. It’s more like “I somehow know that shadow wants to kill me”",Bipolar +49777,"It’s like the line between reality and mania is blurred Had major hypomanic/manic episode July-December last year. I know what my realities are, I really do. However it’s like the obsessions creep back in and my brain won’t stop cycling over a person that I know isn’t healthy and a POS. I know they’re intrusive thoughts. + +I know what I need to do to combat them. But damn it’s a fight every day. I don’t remember having this fight 10 years ago. That being said - we are fighters. We can do this. I’m surrounding myself with people who know me and love me. + +Anyone else in the same boat?",Bipolar +49778,"My life is so sad that even my psych doctor ghosted me My ex who was the best sex I've ever had (and I've had a lot of sex) dumped my stuff in my living room on Sunday and politely told me he never wanted to speak to me again. Well, maybe someday (which means never) + +To try to cope I posted for hook-ups on Reddit but every guy I sent my photo to rejected me - this was never an issue before but I guess now that I'm 30 I'm ugly. I'm not fat, I think I have a good body, must be face issues. I look really tired in all my photos. + +So life sucks. + +I've stopped taking my meds properly because I hate them. + +I've stopped eating meals because I don't want to go back to being bulimic. + +I blocked all my friends and family because they told me to talk to a professional about wanting to start drinking again (I'm sober) and since there's no professionals to talk to 24/7 I guess I'm shit out of luck and better off not bothering them. + +My mom did a wellness check on me when I told her I'd blocked her, which I said she could do.... but lol. + +I bought my first vape yesterday because I don't want to break my sobriety and I do not care if I start hearing voices. + +And I tried to go to AA last night only to listen to a bunch of people whine about how hard step 4 is while I'm literally writing it in my head just trying to find a sponsor to do it with. + +Now today my psych doctor has ghosted me. The professional I'm supposed to talk to about drinking. Can't decide if she's doing a form 2 or something came up. Cherry on top of this week lol.",Bipolar +49779,"Can an SSRI make me depressed instead of manic? Is this possible? Before my diagnosis I was given Paxil and felt the most depressed I had ever been. From what I remember (it’s been almost 2 years) it felt like my head was very empty and dark. My girlfriend said recently she was walking on eggshells around me back then, and felt like I was going to lose it at any second. I even want to say I remember having these two internal dialogues conflicting each other all the time. I was really unhappy and felt suicidal continuously as well. After giving the med 4-6 weeks to work I got switched to Effexor. I did a little better with this one but still felt suicidal and empty. Fast forward 2 years and now I’m diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I have been given a mood stabilizer that has done really well for me. The reason why I ask this is because I have this constant worry that I’m misdiagnosed for some reason. I believe I’m suffering from imposter syndrome. My psychiatrist seems very confident with his diagnosis. I also believe this post could help others who are suffering from anxiety like I was to find out it could be actually bipolar disorder. So can an SSRI make someone with BP depressed instead of manic?",Bipolar +49780,,Bipolar +49781,"Bye Bye Citalopram I’ve been on a roller coaster the last 9 months with medication. I had started to think I had been misdiagnosed based on how terrible I have felt despite lithium and an SSRI plus Seroquel at bed. I even scheduled a new psych for a second opinion in April. + +Then through some bad juggling and admin by my GP my citalopram prescription was cancelled instead of renewed. The pharmacist gave me a loner box of meds but it was a lower dose. + +Fast forward a month later and I’m still on the lower dose. Low and behold hallelujah I feel fantastically average. This ain’t no hypo and I’m definitely not depressed. Wow. I’m considering going to an even lower dose but my intake appointment is so close I feel like I should probably leave it for now. Woo!!",Bipolar +49782,"ISO Support Groups I’ve really loved being part of this subreddit and having a place for support and understanding. It’s not toxic here and that’s so hard to find! + +If you have any suggestions for other places online like here, I would love a link or info! + +(If needed, for reference, I have Bipolar 2, C-PTSD, and Dependent Personality Disorder.)",Bipolar +49783,"Diagnosed, but having doubts I'd like to preface first by saying that I'm not American. + +I've been diagnosed bipolar II a few year ago during while in a psych ward. During all the years I've been seeing psychiatrists, it was brought up only once by a psychiatrist I've seen for less than a month. I've been somewhat successfully treated with seroquel. + +While I thought I had BP before my diagnosis, this diagnosis as almost always made very little sense to me. I do have some pretty extreme mood swings, but far more than 4-5 a year and they sometimes last only hours. + +The psychiatrist who followed me years never brought it up. He didn't change my meds, didn't really take any interest in my symptoms. He was pretty much happy just continuing the traitement that was prescribed to me during my trip to the psych ward. Last therapist didn't seem to believe I had any illness. + +I'm seeing any therapists or psychiatrists anymore and I have stopped my meds. So far, I'm doing alright. + +I would like to know if any of you have experienced very frequent mood swings (say in the range of 50 a year) and very short episode, because I find really hard to relate to other people with bipolar disorder.",Bipolar +49784,"Current Mixed Episode I’m type II and am in the middle of a mixed episode. Except the hypomania isn’t the happy, energetic kind, it’s the “irritated at all times and so angry at life that I’m resisting the urge to throw things against a wall as hard as I can” kind. + +So, yeah. I’m down, I’m fatigued, and I’m about as pissed off as I could be for absolutely no reason. + +I don’t need any advice, as I’ve been here many times before (although advice is fine), just venting to a group that understands what it’s like since nobody in my life really gets it. + +Thanks for reading.",Bipolar +49785,"oh i guess my mania might have got me in a bit of a pickle i was manic a while ago, and i finally checked my email. i applied for colleges when i was manic and i LIED on the forms and i signed things that said i would get fined for lying. i also hired an attorney to sue ppl 🤷🏼‍♀️, but it gets worse, it’s my friends dad. + +i guess this is just a good rule, check your emails after a manic episode",Bipolar +49786,"My new doctor prescribed paroxetine and alprazolam I went to a new psychiatrist who recommended paroxetine and alprazolam, but what is everyone's experience on this combo? + +I'm still in the introductory stage with my new doctor so she's still re-assessing me again, but I did provide her my previous doctor's certification of my BD diagnosis and prescription history. So I guess I'm just looking for reassurance about this new regimen for BD. + +Please note that I communicate with my doctor (i.e. I ask her what to lookout for when taking this medicine) and I also read material about this, but it's always good to hear from other people.",Bipolar +49787,"Personality or hypomania? I feel like how I tell about my life to my psychiatrist influence my possible diagnosis. I'm currently in the middle of diagnosis for bipolar 2. I got already medication (lamictal) even though I didn't yet get a official diagnosis, since at psychiatrist appointment we didn't have enough time to go through all the diagnosis criteria, and if my sympotoms fit in to those. + +With psychiatrist we've been going through my possible hypomanias but specially been focused on one which was the most severe one. During this period I broke up with my boyfriend (do not regret it), had a huge crush before breakup, slept with the person I had a crush few days after breaking up, felt really happy and energetic, got involved in politics, slept 5h a night (usually 8+h), got in an out of situationships, went to parties, told everybody how beautiful I am (usually I'm not happy with my body). My psychiatrist didn't ask on my drug use but I've realized that before this episode or in the beginning of this episode I took some psychedelics. I really don't want drug use on my medical records since I've been sober for a year now. Does anybody else have any feelings on drug use on their medical records? + +If I tell my psychiatrist I have taken illegal drugs before the episode I might not get the diagnosis. But then again I suffer from mood swings and cyclic severe depressions. I don't know anymore what is my normal state and if I exaggerate my possibly hypomanic symptoms. I've had other hypomanic episodes as well. In one I had for few weeks I moved in with a guy for a month who I'd known for two days, didn't fly back to home even though covid-19 restrictions were starting, posted dancing videos on instagram, said I love you to the person I was living with, had unprotected sex. But again this person was very manipulative and was gaslighting me, love bombing, and getting mad for me moving out. I feel like my psychiatrist could very easily misdiagnose me since my hypomanias might be caused some other things such as drugs or manipulation. How do you feel, is hypomania something that can't be caused by other factors in your life? + +Whole my life, I have been doing impulsive decisions like gotten three tattoos at once (my first ones), brought flight tickets for next day, traveled by myself, applied to new schools, cheated, went to strip club (not normal to me), had hookups. On all of these I've had regrets as well. I don't know what is my personality and what not. If I tell my psychiatrist that these actions were not normal to me then I probably get the diagnosis. But also I do these things so regularly that maybe those are charasterictic to me.",Bipolar +49788,"How does severe bipolar differ from mild or moderate? I see so many successful people with this disorder, in fact almost everyone I've ever known with BP eventually treats it, and that's good. But for me, no medication seems to work without dangerous side effects. I also have psychotic episodes. I can't work or go to school and skip most days because I am catatonically depressed. + +I know my BP isn't the worst there is, but I see so many people with bipolar who are successful, and I guess I want to hear about the worst case scenario so I don't feel like I myself am the worst case, because I feel like absolute shit all the time due to my lack of success in any area of life. I'm pretty much the very bottom of society and it sucks. I'm gonna stop my post here though cause the depression is creeping in now. + +I'm not asking about anyone specific, just an example or something. Or if it's even possible for BP to be 100% untreatable.",Bipolar +49789,"Apathy Light me up, + +Do it like when I bled, + +Say I love you, + +Then suffocate my voice, + +Mark my flesh, + +Make me your possession, + +With your eyes gone red, + +Belittle every ounce of me, + +All squeezed with no pulp left, + +Feel anemic, + +Confidence has shipped, + +Numbed to the rattling, + +As apathy becomes my only friend.",Bipolar +49790,"What diagnoses did you have before you finally got the correct one? I had so many doctors think so many things were wrong with me over the years, I'm curious to know how your experiences were. + +In order, I was diagnosed with: Borderline PD, Bulimia Nervosa\*, Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Dyslexia\*, And finally... Bipolar type 2\*. + +\* = things they were unfortunately mostly right about.",Bipolar +49791,"He came back! My husband got overwhelmed and left a week ago. After I got diagnosed in january everything I have ever felt and done exploded to the point where I almost lost my job and my husband left. But after thinking, reading and talking with friends, he realized something was of. He came back and we talked for 2 days. Then he booked an appointment with my psychiatrist and went there with me. Turns out I'm not type 2, I'm very much type 1. Now I am starting new meds, I understand much more about myself and I am finally hopeful for my future. But most importantly, my husband loves me and he is willing to stand by me. ❤️",Bipolar +49792,"Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns Has anyone read Feeling Good, and did it help at all? My mom gifted it to me when I've started my medications and I've been really skeptical about the book. I want to know how other's experiences have been like with the book. + +How has the book helped you? + +The book was published years ago. Is it up-to-date?",Bipolar +49793,"Vraylar/Reagila.. restlessness, any tips? I started Reagila a month ago and I can't get rid of the restlessness. The first two weeks were horror with side effects, thank God the shaking stopped. But this restlessness is driving me crazy - literally lack of sleep is usually the best way for me to get hypomanic. + +I have a desk job, I can't sit still, I can't even stand still. I am currently walking 20k steps a day just to be able to sleep at night. Not including the bouncing around while working - standing desk best purchase in years. + +My doctor said it might be because my other meds aren't playing well together. I am slowly reducing them (lamotrigine and fluoxetine). And it should get better soon\^tm. But what is soon... + +Any tips? I have a few days off right now and just can't enjoy them. I dropped coffee which seems to have helped a little bit. + +(at least I am losing weight on it, but might be because I was too nauseated to eat properly for 2 weeks and I am constantly moving....)",Bipolar +49794,,Bipolar +49795,"One dumb thing causing the big M today Hi y’all! I cannot use the TW flair I dunno why. +I am overall stable. But something happened today and I FEEL manic. Grandiose thoughts, hyper active brain (usually my brain is quiet and organised, now it works so much I have a headache lol) etc, you name it. Dreams of doing this and that, eh. And I couldn’t even take a nap. +All because... I wrote to my aunt I was never close with. Yes you read it right. You might ask yourself- „ee, what?” I hasten to explain. +So there was the year 2019, I went full-blown manic. It was really intense. My closest family was away but they knew something was up because of the things I had been telling them, my online activity and overall behaviour reported by more distant family that lives nearby. (I visited them xx times per day.) +So one time I really was scared I will die or something, I opened the door to run to the family nearby and when I opened the door there was this aunt (she is not the one I visited, she lives also nearby, but more far away then the other family members) +I was afraid to sleep (I didnt sleep properly in this time period, only kind of blacked out) +She tuckled me to sleep and I had some rest. +When my closest family came back, clearly distressed (the way the house looked + many other things) they called the ambulance and there I was in the mental hospital lol. +This aunt was helping my mother to deal with me. +Ok now back to these times, this aunt is a kind of person that forwards these pictures with written things on them to everybody. As I don’t own the whatsapp app, I wasnt reading them. I only installed it sometimes and I wrote like a flower to her as a response or wishing also everything well (as a response to these pictures) +Today I opened whatsapp and the last pictures from her were at the beginning of march. It was unusal because she used to send them a lot. I kind of regretted not replying more to her even with a flower emoji and I randomly send her „happy (second) day of spring 🌷” +And like that, it kind of switched something in my brain lol. +I want to mention that my mania was always occuring in spring/summer time. +It is a little bit chaotic but english isnt my first language. I wish I didnt send this message. +There is also a possibility that I somehow didnt get these pictures and she was still sending them. +It makes me think, if I couldn’t control this impulse to send a message, maybe there will be other things I will not be able to control.",Bipolar +49796,off my meds for two weeks! Its 1am and im so happy right now lol sleep? no fucking way i wanna go work out So what do you guys do when youre wired in the middle of the night? I might go to the gym again tbh it was fun today. I should rest tho before i hurt myself. What kind of drinks help you guys sleep? Or calm down?,Bipolar +49797,My Tattoos are done healing (mostly I think) I got these 2 a while back. The semicolon healed poorly and I had to go back for a touch up. The other one also needed some minor adjustments. But now at least they don't look gross. Very happy with them and they are my first 2 Tattoos.,Bipolar +49798,"I had multiple IG accounts when I was manic, just found out one account was public... this is so embarrassing + shocking Anyone have a similar experience? + +When I became completely manic, it felt like I had to use different persona for a different group of people and also had this idea that my exes and toxic people were stalking me. + +So I had over 6 IG accounts. At least. There might be more because I also had THREE phones back then. + +I just charged one of the phones I frequently used during the last manic episode and found out it has been public for over a year when I thought all my accounts were private. + +I am so embarrassed because I don't know who's seen it. + +Probably a lot of my old co-workers because I might have asked one of them who was my best friend to tag me on his account. Maybe my friends who left me during an earlier manic episode saw the account. I don't know. + +I cannot believe I left it to be seen by the whole world... I wonder that is why my ex cut me off entirely when we used to be friends even after we broke up. I wonder that's why some people randomly said - earlier this year - they thought I was taken to a hospital. + +Anyway, I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. Now I am actually laughing out loud because this is just unbelievable. + +This almost feels like I'm in a movie where the protagonist is stuck in this limbo of facing all the crazy manic shit from the past everyday. + +Sometimes I try to be grateful for the things I still have. Sometimes I'm glad I finally accepted that I have this mental illness. But, today... this shook me to the core and I guess I do still care a lot about things I swore I could not care about any more. + +It feels like everything was part of this weird movie that was filmed... and it had no script, was directed by a nasty, unprepared, direction-less amateur director who wanted to see what kind of extreme things I could do or say that would not make sense to the old me. + +This is just like a cherry on top of my bipolar cake. Wow. What a day.",Bipolar +49799,"I'm 31 and planning my Mom's funeral... I just need support. My mom passed away tragically in an accident last week. I've been a wreck, I go from agony to numbness. + +I've never lost anyone close to me so this is my first true heart break, and I honestly think I'll never heal it. I just have to find better coping mechanism. +I love my mom so fucking much, we were close and we bonded through having bipolar disorder. She understood me without trying, she was the only other person I know who goes to treatment for bipolar.... I wanted her to show me I can survive this. + +So from the bottom of my broken heart I would love some support. Coping mechanism or just stories that will give me hope.",Bipolar +49800,"Unable to quit smoking/ Terribly nicotine dependent Hi All, +Cannot classify this post as seeking advice or rant or complain or anything. Just felt like sharing it. I don't know what it is... But I am terribly addicted to cigarettes... No amount of nothing or no degree of any consequence is helping me to quit. +It feels like/ kinda intuition that I will die smoking. +I know I have an addictive personality, but then even with all the self awareness & heightened conscious, the cognitive dissonance of smoking isn't leaving me. +They say if you play with bullets.. You die with one. +I guess my bullet is cigarette.... +Not even sure if it's got anything to do with being bipolar.... +Maybe this sub isn't even right place to type this. +I just felt like typing & sharing. +Maybe over sharing.. Just lost. God knows... +Thanks for reading till the end if anyone actually came this far. I am grateful & God bless us all...",Bipolar +49801,"Waited 5 weeks for a psychiatrist appt only to find out days before it that they scheduled me with an lpcc who cant even prescribe meds, which was the entire reason i made the appt. Got referred to a psychiatrist from my pcp. Behavioral center booked my appointment with a therapist + +Got diagnosed with bipolar 2 a few weeks ago, my pcp said he didnt have the resources to properly treat so he referred me to a behavioral health center. So i've waited 5 weeks for this appointment. I was very clear while scheduling that this appointment was for seeking medication. This is the earliest appointment they could get me and it's only because they had a cancellation. Got sent the info finally today for my appointment on friday. Looked at it real quick on the portal and they've scheduled me for a telehealth session with an lpcc. I just looked it up and they cant prescribe medications. The entire fucking reason I made the appointment. + +I'm absolutely gutted. The amount of effort and energy it took me just to schedule the appointment with my pcp to get a referral (because everyone i called said i needed that) was astounding. I finally got the gumption to take hold of this shit and try to get better and this is what I get. I literally feel so defeated and like theres absolutely no point at all. I just came down from a hypo week and the depression is hitting hard and then i find this out. The rage and sadness I feel is literally making me physically ill and i feel like I could break all of my fucking fingers. + +I'm sure someone is going to comment and tell me to check myself into a facility for inpatient care. I cant fucking afford to. I have 100$ in my bank account and payday isnt for another week. I cant take any time off work because I will literally not make my mortgage payment. + +I'm sure some people really benefit from therapy and maybe at a later point in my recovery from this shit I'll be more open to it but right now all I can think is how the FUCK is talking to some stranger on the phone about my problems and them saying some stupid shit like ""oh i can hear how difficult this is for you, try these excersizes the next time you feel like you're getting unmanageable"" going to fix anything. I want to be fucking medicated. I want to get to the point where I can act or feel like halfway of a part of a normal fucking human being and maybe then i can focus on miss linda's breathing therapy. + +I have been looking so forward to this appointment and I've been so proud of myself for even making it. I felt like I could get through the swings these past few weeks because I had this to look forward to and maybe just fucking maybe i'd get even an ounce of relief from this shit or be on the road to an ounce of relief; a means to an end. I felt like I was moving on from square one and on my way to progress and now I feel like I've fallen so much farther behind it. I'm going to have to find a different provider and wait another fucking six weeks through this shit. I cannot do this.",Bipolar +49802,,Bipolar +49803,"One of my worst experiences with psychosis One of my worst experiences with psychosis was when I woke up in a cold sweat convinced I had killed my parents in their sleep. I was terrified that I stabbed them to death. I kept getting up and opening their door to make sure they were still alive and breathing while they slept but I couldn’t shake the feeling. It lasted until my dad woke up for work, hours later. Has anyone experienced something like this?",Bipolar +49804,"Hypomanic symptoms question I have a question about mainly hypomania… how ‘constant’ are peoples symptoms generally? I know when I’m manic they’re 24/7, 365 at a million percent, but when I’m hypomanic I at least have much less noticeable symptoms. Is it normal to not be *constantly* bouncing off the walls and exhibiting symptoms?",Bipolar +49805,"Am I the only one? I got on medications for bipolar 2, I like them and I don't yeah sure I feel less crazy in a sense but I also feel like a walking zombie at times. It's a love hate relationship at this point, but I know it's something I MUST take for the rest of my life but at times I just I don't do feel like me at times. More of a bleh feeling..am I the only one who feels like this? Is it normal?",Bipolar +49806,Panic attack. Tips? How do you guys manage panic and anxiety attacks? I’m currently having one right now and am struggling to breath. I know I’m being irrational but I can’t stop. Does anyone have any helpful feedback or tips?,Bipolar +49807,"Loneliness triggering depression After six months of struggling, I finally felt like I got my depression under control. However, lately my mood has been faltering due to how lonely I am. It’s a type of loneliness I’ve never felt before; it’s so bad it physically hurts. I can’t find the words to explain the intensity of it. It hurts so bad. + +I can genuinely say I have only one friend, and she lives halfway across the world. I live with my parents while I attend college. I have to take online classes so the only time I really leave my house is to go to a coffeeshop a couple days a week. I don’t have a driver’s license due to crippling anxiety (I’m working on getting it), so even if I did have friends, I wouldn’t be able to see them often. So I have no one. No one to talk to besides my parents, and that’s just mostly superficial stuff. + +I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on what I could do to stop myself from slipping into full depression.",Bipolar +49808,"Coming off Seroquel Okay so around this time last year I went on Seroquel IR due to unable to sleep and depressive symptoms. That shit rocked me and I couldn’t handle being a zombie 16 hours a day. So I switched to XR a couple months later. Well jump to now I want to come off it. One I think the depressive symptoms are mainly gone. I just can’t handle the side effects any more. The constant hunger that can’t be ignored, so hard to wake up at in the AM ect. I know this is bad but I stopped taking it for a few days because of hypomanic episode and it wasn’t the episode but not being on it that made me feel so much fucking better. Like I could breathe. + +I’m still on lamotrigine and want to go up more since my mood has been a little whacky so I’m obviously not on nothing. + +But have people gone off Seroquel after a bad depressive episode and was your psych on board or did they make you switch meds? Did you just fall back into a depression? Please just let me know any of your stories. + +Thanks all",Bipolar +49809,"How to manage bipolar fatigue? The lack of motivation, the sheer amount of willpower required to do the most basic things, and the constant muscle aches/pains are really taking a toll on my work. I usually call in sick, but just wondering how others manage.",Bipolar +49810,"I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live It just doesn’t feel like there’s any way up. I’ve been in law school for 3 years and it’s been a struggle every day. Trying to hold down 2 jobs right now to pay rent, but about to quit one because I just can’t do it. Everyone is telling I have to grind and not be lazy and I just feel like such a failure. I called out today because I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and feel like I’m falling apart. I’m seeing shit out of the corner of my eye all the time. Constantly crying or or ready to start a fight. Trying and failing every week to have a routine or be consistent with anything. I feel like I can never be a lawyer. + +I’m just so tired and everyone I know thinks I’m just lazy and dramatic. I don’t want a lifetime of this. I hate that this is who I am now. + +Rant over.",Bipolar +49811,"suicidal? i am unsure how to express this other than i have this underlying desire to end my life, i am confused about my identity and i have no substance as an individual. while others around me discuss their interests i can only muster a disingenuous laugh to contribute anything. i dont know how to follow along a conversation anymore and i am so hyper aware of my own shortcomings in life and this aching feeling of not liking being in my own skin that ive always always always had and I have grown accustomed to. the thought of suicide doesn’t even feel flighty or impulsive anymore it just feels right. i remind myself that one day i may feel good in my flesh, but for know i am an imposter in life.",Bipolar +49812,Getting out of bed in morning How does anyone get up in the morning? I work from home and won’t get up til my morning meeting and will just keep snoozing my alarm cause I feel so depressed and all I wanna do is sleep.,Bipolar +49813,"How To Help a Manic Episode What are some good tips for calming/helping a manic episode? The episode started by overdoing illicit substances but now is full blown manic even tho the substances have stopped being consumed. The episode has been going on for over a month and some of the symptoms include: + +*very talkative +*poor memory +*making impulsive decisions +*over sexualization of self +*violent +*scatter brained +*stealing + +Will the episode ever calm down and is there a way to calm it down/go back to normal? Besides professionals doctors, what can I do in the mean time?",Bipolar +49814,"Does anyone feel worse when they’re on their period? Does anyone get so unbelievably out of control on their period? I can usually tell when I’m about to get mine because I start to feel suicidal and I feel like I’m extremely manic on my period. Like once it’s over I feel completely serene, but the hormones just kick everything into over drive and I feel so horrible.",Bipolar +49815,"i feel like things are too “fine” and need to get off my medication i feel like something big is gonna happen and i’m not gonna be prepared. i don’t have the strong emotions happening right now and i don’t know what to do with myself. i feel uneasy. my brain feels somewhat calm. + +i know if i get off my medication i will become manic and i know it’s bad and i hurt myself and spend hours sobbing and calling 988 and other hot/warm lines. + +i’m feeling the urge to self harm which i know won’t be a one time thing for the next few weeks or even longer. i feel like something bad is gonna happen and i need to do it to myself for control. + +i haven’t known i was bipolar during my last manic episode so now i want to trigger one and get off my medication for a week or 2 + +i don’t know what to do, help.",Bipolar +49816,"Sudden depression? I (f 37) was recently diagnosed due to a hypomanic episode that related in an inpatient stay. +I have been on lamotrigine 3 months. + +One day about 2 weeks ago, I woke up depressed, tired, slow, irritated, not caring about anything, etc etc… +Real depression, not a bad mood & not hormonal! +The depression came on so suddenly, like being hit by a depression-train. + +It got worse every day, until I was snapping at colleagues, thinking about not being here etc. +Life was getting unmanageable. + +This kind of depression is nothing new to me, I expected it to last for months. + +On the 9th day, I woke up no longer depressed. +Completely “normal”. +Which obviously I am not complaining about… + +Is this sudden onset depression common? + +I am obviously pretty cautious in feeling better, sort of wondering if I am in for a rollercoaster ride over the coming months…? + +Any support or advice, others’ experiences much appreciated…",Bipolar +49817,"Rapid cycling, mania getting worse and ruining my life I have had diagnosed bipolar for a few years now, been on multiple medications and recently I feel like I’m just passed the point of being treated. + +I’ve had some really destructive manic episodes and it has included a lot of drug use. + +My finances are out of control and now I just feel like I have no motivation to do anything with my life. +I hate this I want to live a normal life but I just don’t think it’s ever happening",Bipolar +49818,"Am I in an abusive relationship? I have been with my partner for a little over 9 years now. We have had our ups and downs. I've done things in the relationship during manic episodes that I am not proud of. I've sought sexual relationships (mainly sexting) with others, been emotionally abusive, and quite manipulative. This was primarily during times before I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and on a solid medication/therapy regiment. Now, I feel like I am the partner they need. + +Howerve, and here's the rub, I have a sinking suspicion she is not the partner I need. She isn't supportive anymore and is somewhat condescending. She is constantly reminding me of all the past pain I have caused, and when I bring up that it was in the past she just says that I am not taking responsibility for that pain. Recently, she has gone so far as to comment on my appearance, calling my beard pubes and asking me to shave so she can find me attractive again. She brags to others that she got me to shave and belittles me in front of friends. She fights with me anytime I bring up a change that I wish to see in the relationship. She has commented on my weight. SHe has commented on my ability to be a father. She has accused me of having inappropriate emotional relationships with friends. + +I am honestly not sure if deserve this. I did emotionally cheat on her. I have verbally accosted her. I have been mean, aggressive, and manipulative in my own. These actions are mainly when I am manic and being confronted. I become incredibly defensive, to the point that I will be this way. + +I know the relationship sick and that we need to speak with a couples counselor, but I am afraid that my partner will just listen and not change. Now, she used to be quite supportive. She took me in when I had no place to go after coming back from Afghanistan. She dealt with my PTSD. She has loved me through so much. I just am hurt by the way she is currently treating me.",Bipolar +49819,"Well it’s been a good run boys but the doctor thinks it’s actually BPD lmao So, I just recently had a new evaluation and the proctor is convinced that I’ve been misdiagnosed. Which is extremely common with BPD and bipolar. But. Now I’m struggling. I feel relieved but horrified. Not to say that bipolar is better than BPD or less bad, but it’s just distressing to have a label stripped and replaced with another. If I’m being honest, I’ve doubted my bipolar diagnosis for a long time now, but somehow I feel like I’m betraying my sense of community and self by feeling hopeful. It’s like? Idk I guess it was easier to say it’s just +Bipolar because it became a cop out.It was easier to dismiss my explosive emotions and constant mood swings as just being bipolar symptoms. Because it meant that I could treat it with meds. And I tried so hard to act like the mood stabilizers help, but They don’t. I cycle through so many extremes on a daily basis. At my old psych all of this was dismissed and treated with anti psychotics that just make me feel sluggish and disinterested. It feels liberating to be listened to for once, but I feel so? Lost. Like I’ve just been stripped of the “identity” I’ve been cultivating for years. It’s weird. It feels like I owe everyone an update. Like I’ve got to go on an “I’ve got BPD!” Tour so that no one hates me or accuses me of faking a disorder. Ugh. Idk man. Feeling liberated but also scared. Can I stay in this sub lmao? I’m so comfy here",Bipolar +49820,"I can’t even recognize myself Uhhh so my self esteem has been so incredibly low that now when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize my face. I feel like a stranger. It’s scary and weird to look directly into my eyes in the mirror because I just feel like it’s not me in the reflection. + +I avoid pictures and mirrors all the time and now I don’t know how to get back to feeling at least a bit comfortable with ny face. Please help.",Bipolar +49821,Voices Does anybody else hear voices and if so do they sound like they come from a different location in your head? Usually I’m able to visualize it as a spherical plane where my inner voice is at the center but usually the voices sound like they come from a different location. Usually being closer to either one of my ears yet still noticeably inside the sphere.,Bipolar +49822,"Tips on finding employment after quitting job due to BP? This is all very hypothetical for myself, but I'm hoping others reading have insight. I am in the US. + +I'm in a job that often triggers me for various reasons. I've been in a almost constant depressive episode for the past almost two months. The exception is some hours of natural ease/happiness from spending time with a few nonjudgmental friends throughout that time. My work performance has tanked and it's becoming an issue. I have coworkers talking to my boss about it, and I don't blame them, but my boss is trying to be nice about it to a degree that makes me worry that I'm taking his reputation. + +I will be doing an out-patient treatment program in the next few weeks. I am already on intermittent FMLA, but the current plan (which i do not like much) is to do part-time work in the afternoons at my current job while i do the program in the mornings. + +I just had an anxiety attack after getting a phonecall from my boss to talk about it. I feel like the end is near, but my boss and a few coworkers are still trying to be on my side and I see that. However, i need to leave sooner or later. I used references to get this job (I've been in it for just under a year) that were absolutely glowing from people I respect. Quitting is embarrassing for me and I wonder how much it will reflect on them. I don't feel comfortable using them as references any more. I have a long job history on my resume, with a new job about every three years. But i think it will look weird if i don't use anyone from those jobs as references. + +My main question is: +Assuming I don't have references, how do I find a job? + +I'm 30, I live alone because I have a hard time with roommates. I know i can be ""the problem,"" but I always try to resolve any conflict and the older I've gotten the better I've gotten, but I also am in a difficult place emotionally and am having a hard time focusing and functioning. I feel like I'm at the edge and yet there's a light at the end of the tunnel of treatment if i can just figure out how to do this job a little bit longer and find something else that can help me keep my home and continue my medications and therapy. + +Feels like a tall order. + +TL;DR: Assuming I don't have references, how do I find a job as someone in their 30s?",Bipolar +49823,"I was wondering if you also find it impossible to make difficult decisions? I've been pondering the question of ""what's next"" for almost 2 years now, and I can't make the decision. The country where I now live was always a temporary destination but due to covid I was forced to stay longer than expected. Now I feel like I'm stuck here. It's been 4 years here, 2 years longer than anticipated, and I don't know what to do. Whatever choice I make, it's a big life choice that due to my financial situation locks me in to that choice for a few years. Simply said I don't trust my decisions. When I finally pin something down I ask myself ""is this decision made by a sane mind or am I in some state of either mania or depression"". But because it's so difficult to figure out I end up doing nothing. This has been going on for 2 years now and I'm not sure what to do. Do you have any experience with this, and how do you make big decisions? Is there a way to minimise the risks of a bad decision because of the disease?",Bipolar +49824,"Spring mood changes Just curious how many others feel this spring “up”. I know it’s not uncommon for moods to fluctuate with seasons, I consider myself fairly stable with my med cocktail + general management of my mental health. But god damn, the sun comes out, it’s above 10 degrees and all those tingly feelings come back and I feel the hypomania trying to escape. + +Anyone else?",Bipolar +49825,"How does your living situation effect you? Hello, I walked out of my apartment door this morning and almost stepped on a homeless man who appeared to be high sleeping in my hallway. I also assume he got the drugs from the dealer on the second floor, I digress... I am bipolar my income is limited but I wonder if it what life would be like living in one of those apartment complexes with amenities. The mental health of those around me is not good and I am curious on how big of a role this plays on someone recovering?",Bipolar +49826,,Bipolar +49827,"Wondering if I was misdiagnosed— no, I’m not taking myself off of my meds. I’ve been struggling a bit recently. 33F, diagnosed bipolar (type unspecified) 4 years ago. + +I have a clear history of depression going back to high school that I don’t dispute. I was diagnosed ADHD as an elementary schooler and again in high school (good student but disruptive in class, incessant talker, impulse control issues, highly unmotivated unless I’m interested in the subject, object permanence issues that persist today), medicated for it on and off, was prescribed a variety of medications and responded best to Adderall, but I also have a touch of anxiety so dosing was finicky. Treating the ADHD diagnosis yielded some progress, but never addressed all of my issues. I was medicated for depression at various times with similar results, but notably* was never treated for both diagnoses at the same time. (Edited a typo.) + +Four years ago I was unmedicated and my depression was the worst it had ever been. I started seeing a new psychiatrist, pried a bit into my family medical history (both ADHD and bipolar appear), and got a bipolar diagnosis. I’ve been on Trileptal and Wellbutrin since then, and like before, I feel a little better than I did before the meds, but the issues aren’t addressed. My symptoms are mixed, and I feel some degree of symptomatic (obviously good days and bad ones) every single day. My manic symptoms consistently spike in conjunction with anxiety flare ups, which are always traceable to a trigger. + +My sister (28F) is diagnosed with depression and ADHD and, when she describes how the combination affects her, it matches up to my constant mixed symptoms to a T. I’ve started to wonder if I haven’t been going at my mental health the wrong way, and I’m extremely anxious about bringing it up to my doctor for fear of sounding manic. I don’t think that I’m healed or no longer in need of meds, and I don’t plan on taking myself off of them. I also don’t plan on asking for stimulants; I’m open to any treatment plan deemed a fit. But I have a lot of concern that I won’t be taken seriously. + +Has anyone been through anything like this? To be clear, I’m not asking for commentary on a diagnosis! Just seeking advice for broaching this subject with my doctor. Part of me wonders if I might be best off trying to connect with a new one; I’ve raised concerns about my meds not being effective numerous times in the past and haven’t really felt heard. But then I worry about the appearance of doctor shopping, and again, I’m not actively seeking stimulants. Anyway, any wisdom would be appreciated!",Bipolar +49828,Does anyone have a specific exercise that helps with their symptoms the most and helps with weight loss? I used to walk more when I was in college but now I work more of a in the office job. It’s easy to maintain gym workouts when I’m more in an up but when the depression hits everything is hard. Anyone have anything that they can maintain in the highs and lows? (I’m still trying to become stable)! Thanks!,Bipolar +49829,"Celsius drinks I’m so scared right now, I’ve been sober for one year and I’m in a half way house. I drink energy drinks often but I normally stick to redbull but today I thought I might try Celsius and I drank two within 4 hours and I normally do that for red bulls but I do not feel good I feel like I just took some adderall and I hate it. Hopefully my sponsor calls me back because I’m kinda freaking out. I reallly don’t like how this is making me feel I thought it was a normal energy drink but it’s make me feel manic but also super focused. Anything I can do?",Bipolar +49830,"Books on Bipolar Disorder I’m not sure how many readers are in this group, but I want to know more about my bipolar disorder. Do any of you know any great recommendations in fiction or non - fiction books on bipolar disorder? I appreciate any response.",Bipolar +49831,"High school and Bipolar Hi all, + +In gym class today, I was playing dodgeball and the girl (that I don't like for many reasons) was in the corner not really doing anything and I screamed at her. Completely unprovoked. Usually, I'm a super chill person and avoid confrontation at all costs but I was literally in like a dream-like state where I thought I was having a dream and that I could do anything I wanted without any repercussions. This has happened before when I thought I was asleep and I could do anything I wanted and I am also diagnosed with Bipolar I. Looking back I do regret it because this is going to be a fucking headache for me and I'm so scared that I'm gonna do something that then gets put on my record because that would make it harder for colleges and also because I am being scouted to go to schools for my sport. So can anyone tell me if colleges, specifically recruitment scouts, care about records and mental illnesses that are so active as Bipolar I?",Bipolar +49832,"I am sober 72 days and trying to resist ending my sobriety. I am no longer taking my meds right and going to buy weed. Where do I turn to for help? Story inside I recently went through a very distressing breakup where he cut me out of his life completely. I don't have any family or friends to call, they all tell me to talk to a professional. So I blocked them. No sense causing strife. + +My psych doctor doesn't answer emails, my family doctor doesn't have an email or phone number, my therapist doesn't give out her number or respond to emails. I don't know where to turn in crisis. The wait at my ER is 12 hours or more. + +I don't have a sponsor yet or anyone from AA to call. Meetings make me sad because I am not ruining my life with alcohol, I have nothing to ruin even if I tried. Bipolar takes those things away from you. + +I really want to go buy it. Everyone tells me not to drink but doesn't want to support me when times get hard. I understand they have their own problems, and it's not personal, but I NEED HELP. I only fucking stopped drinking beduse a psych doctor said it would help my moods and how my drugs process through my body but I've never felt worse. It's been 72 days and no end in sight for the pain. I am no longer taking my meds right and going to buy weed. I am done. I will take the psychosis risk. I'll take maniam + +Where do I go? Is there a helpline I can call when I need immediate support to not buy alcohol? I don't feel suicidal, so I'm not sure if that is acceptable. + +Let me repeat in caps. **I DO NOT FEEL SUICIDAL** I am in pain and self destructive. There is a difference.",Bipolar +49833,,Bipolar +49834,"Lackluster Hanged Man tied from umbilical to Empress, + +Expectations bestowed like thunder, + +“But he stutters”, + +“And is pigeon toed to the point of falling down after a few steps,” + +Oil added, + +Oil lit, + +Conveyor off, + +Couplings bent, + +“Is he queer?” + +Interrogate, + +Placating? + +Mind shifts its hue, + +Severe melancholy, + +Locked in bed, + +To straight up anger and frustration, + +How I not know you don’t go days without sleep? + +Shrinking in my clothes as I have no time to eat, + +Freshman year at university results in an ambulance ride to a ward, + +“Bipolar?” + +“Fuck you! I’m too perfect to be told such!” + +Ahhhh, dumbass at 18 knows nothing of taking initiative and listening to professional advice, + +Going up and down mountains makes me not want to taste psychosis again, + +I’ve matured and now take my meds, + +Rather proud of myself, + +But….. + +How many times I tied that rope around my neck? + +Card says Hanged Man, + +What is it saying to me? + +Is it correct?",Bipolar +49835,"Bipolar things I need to talk about Hi all! +First of all I just want to say that this page has been so helpful and reassuring for me. I was diagnosed a few years ago with bipolar 2. For me I experience more hypomania. For a while I was misdiagnosed until a few years ago when I experienced a manic episode and threw myself out of a moving car then was taken to a mental hospital lol. It’s not funny but it is to me. After that I was able to get my meds under control and my diagnosis. I have been on meds since I was 13, I am 28 now. I was diagnosed in 2018. I am still having trouble coping with it, sometimes I feel like I have a split personality. Sometimes I want to die and slam my head in to a wall. I get overstimulated easily at time and will randomly cry. Most people don’t understand how to handle me. More recently I have been turning to cocaine to help because I just miss the happy high periods. Does anyone else struggle with substance abuse??",Bipolar +49836,"I hate being a freshman All my life I’ve had anxiety & ADHD. I had parents who said “rub some dirt in it” to everything, so I wasn’t diagnosed until college. Started taking adhd meds. I was in therapy for a while, feeling good, but after a few years couldn’t afford it anymore. 5-6 months ago I was put on Setraline by my PCP and started therapy with BetterHelp (that therapy app). A month ago my therapist says she thinks I have BPD or bipolar depression or PTSD, maybe more than one. And I stop taking the setraline. Two weeks ago my therapist said she believes I have bipolar depression and need to seek additional support. +Anybody have any advice on any of it? Like where the heck do I start? +Yes I know this is social media and I’m not going to take any one persons experience or advice and run with it, but I get overwhelmed with medical jargon and I’d love to get an idea of what I may be up against & what I may want to be cautious of.",Bipolar +49837,"I think I was misdiagnosed Okay, so 2 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, and at the time I was like, ""this doesn't sound right, but I guess I'll go with it."" I was put on lamotrigene after a 20 minute appointment with my psychiatrist where, with some vague descriptions of what my highs and lows were, he decided it was a solid diagnosis. But the thing is, he never asked for specifics about what they were like, just generally if I experienced them. + +The highs of my 'mania' would last about 1-3 months at a time, and usually consisted of me being very active and upbeat, but I never exactly had any risky behaviors associated with it. I've never had periods of hypersexuality, or completely upended my life on a whim or anything extreme like that. I can get irritable, and my impulse control has never been great, but I've never felt like my thoughts were racing or anything like that. + +Probably the most 'extreme' thing I've ever done was to move to a different state after a 5 year relationship that I felt trapped in ended. I just needed a fresh start from it and I got that before moving back home with a better perspective (albeit in the middle of a depressive episode). + +In fact, the only really concerning thing I ever had going on were intense periods of depression (also lasting between 1 and 3 months at a time). I would have a hard time getting myself motivated to do basic tasks and my interest in things I enjoyed waned during those times to pretty much nothing. + +Being put on meds, I was just coming out of a long funk and, after starting lamotrigene, it never really felt like that funk ended. I still have problems motivating myself to do basic things, even 2 years in, and I constantly feel like I'm lagging and forcing myself to do everything and I hate it. During my up periods I used to actually workout and be active and would write and take my son to the park and be an active and eager participant in family activities. But since being medicated I don't have any of that. I'm gaining weight and have zero motivation to do anything about it despite being miserable because of it, being an active parent feels like a chore, and I can't write to save my life. + +I feel like I'm a totally different person, and I don't want to be this way anymore. I think I might have been misdiagnosed, but idk how to broach this with my psychiatrist (I feel like he barely listens to me). If anything my symptoms are much closer to that of ADHD or MDD just applying my lived experiences to them, but when I tried to bring up ADHD he kind of handwaved it away saying that adult ADHD was difficult to diagnose and left it there. + +I'm not sure how to bring this up with him and was hoping some people here might be able to give me some tips on how to do that? Should I get a 2nd opinion from another psychiatrist? I just want to stop feeling this way.",Bipolar +49838,"Bipolar and Grieving Soon after discovering I’m bipolar I realized that it clearly affects the way I grieve. Throughout the year I was 23-24 I lost 12 people I was close to in a wide variety of ways, it was too much for my brain so I just didn’t process it. I didn’t feel like I had the time. At 26 I lost a cousin who I had greatly looked up to and I still wasn’t processing, so I started therapy which helped me move on from the then 13 deaths. This was also prior to medication. + +At this time, I am now medicated and I’m grieving a brother, a grandmother, and an aunt who all died of separate causes though two died on the same night. All in the span of February. It’s again too much for my brain. Way too much. Like in the universe of shitty fuckery I have dealt with (which is a lot) this really takes the cake. + +My brain is bouncing all over. From sobbing with utter despair and literally being unable to pick myself up off the floor to being so manic that I want to tear my hair out and break everything around me so instead I manic clean, to just existing. + +I haven’t even been able to return to work and it’s almost April. I raised my brother and I feel like I didn’t just lose a brother. I lost a son and a friend. Every stage of grieving just feels pointless. It’s too much. I don’t know what to do…",Bipolar +49839,"I’m loosing it again I’m in the middle of changing my meds once again, and my anger keeps getting the best of me. I feel like I don’t have any control over my behavior. Abilify was working but I switch to another med because I was gaining weight and my dad kept calling me fat. (m26) btw. So I switched to oxcarbazepine, That didn’t work at all so now I’m back on Abilify. I feel like I just can’t win. I have a fairly privileged life so complaining just feels wrong, but I really need to vent. I just hate myself for hating myself (if that makes any sense). I feel like I’m treating the people around me like shit witch makes me feel worse. I don’t mean to, my terrible thoughts just slip out. Every thing just kind of hurts. I’m tired.",Bipolar +49840,"Considering dropping out of Uni (again) (21f) I've already dropped out of uni once before because it makes my episodes so much worse ig. First time I dropped out it was because of a depressive episode in which I severely self harmed and almost had another suicide attempt and was hospitalised again. + +Now I've been trying really hard w new meds and everything to be at least somewhat consistent w uni work and yet i had another self harm relapse and i had a hypomanic episode in which I did everything but uni work and now exams have come up again and I'm just going to fail them. +The guilt of all of my uni work going to shit bc of this really makes me want to just end myself because it just makes me feel like such a failure and weakling for giving in to the disorder or whatever. + +I just feel like I'm wasting everyones time with deluding myself that I can finish Uni like this. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. + +Also uni in my country doesn't have any kind of proper health leave or break system. Or a school therapist .",Bipolar +49841,"Different Experiences I got diagnosed as bipolar and it’s been really difficult seeing other people online who have had different experiences than me with it. It kind of makes me feel like mine isn’t real or that i’m making it up somehow. Its hard to see the person I am when I’m manic as me. This all makes sticking to meds a challenge. I know I’ll just end up talking to a wall by myself in a psych ward without them, but all of this makes it really hard to follow through. Has anyone else felt this way?",Bipolar +49842,"purpose? will to live???? being in a low is getting pretty tiresome. Especially with PMDD on top of it all. I’m pretty self aware and tell my partner to hide “dangerous” things in the house when I’m heading into the low. When I’m in it I just can’t believe any of my beliefs ie: “everything happens for a reason” lol + +I used to think I had a lesson to learn, I’m on earth for a reason. Why would I be given a lesson that’s so hard? + +Does anyone else feel this way? +Or does anyone have something extremely enlightening to add? +Thank you friends x",Bipolar +49843,"Dreadddd When the caffeine cravings, sleeplessness, and thoughts of skipping my meds kick in while getting that familiar tingle in my chest… here it comes. Praying God & this community give me the strength to combat these familiar patterns and stay on course.",Bipolar +49844,"Self compassionate practices. From my IOP therapist leader. If you feel so inclined. These are from my IOP. Thought I’d share them. Anyone can use them, it doesn’t hurt. Just another tool to add to your belt. I hope you find this useful. + +https://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/",Bipolar +49845,"some questions I have adhd and my psychiatrist suspects I have co-occurring bipolar ll. i don’t know how i feel about that cuz it seems like there’s a fair bit of overlap between adhd and bipolar symptoms even though they’re completely different conditions. here are some questions i have: + +1. how does co-occurring adhd affect bipolar symptoms? + +2. how does hypomania/mania look different than a mood shift related to adhd? + +3. if you’ve ever just been on stimulant medication, what was your experience?",Bipolar +49846,"Bipolar x Anxiety x ADHD I was diagnosed as bipolar, but honestly, I don't know if I am. The signs I have seem to be more ADHD than bipolar, including: rejection dysphoria, trouble concentrating, procrastination, etc. What I have that maybe are bipolar characteristics are: sometimes I get irritated easily; attachment issues; maladptive daydreaming; GAD and depression. But other than that, I don't know if I'm bipolar. I am, for now, taking 450mg of lithium for 5 days. In 2 days I will increase to 900mg. I'm scared, because I don't know if this is really my disorder. What happens to people who aren't bipolar but take lithium? I'm not feeling any positive differences, it's just making me feel bad physically, for now.",Bipolar +49847,"Had a terrifying episode last night Drank 3 beers. Decided that tonight was the night that I wanted to be confrontational with my partner. It escalated into me becoming fully psychotic. Disassociating. Walking into the water behind our house. Losing my phone there. +I'm afraid of who Ive become. +It's only been this bad about 2 times before. +Im consumed with guilt. I had two kids who heard me losing it. I'm devastated. Anxious. +My partner was able to calm me down towards the end. But at that point the doom was full throttle. The sinking. Drowning. Feeling incredibly out of place just by existing. +Woke up those morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. My eyes were so sore and bloodshot from crying for hours on end. +I don't know what to do anymore. .how do you come back from that? My kids do not know I'm bipolar but they are old enough I think to know (12&14)? +I'm too ashamed to tell them. +If anyone is in a similar place please feel free to share what keeps you going.",Bipolar +49848,"Anyone take lamictal with ulcerative colitis My immune system likes to attack itself, I have an autoimmune disorder, and I want to take lamictal. And... After reading on it a bit, I am really excited about the results might be, but The Rash is a big fear of mine due to my disorder. + +My PCP said that ""We cant promise you wont have adverse reactions"" but he refused to tell me if he thought that I would actually have a higher risk. So, I wanna hear out from the community about your experiences were.",Bipolar +49849,"Im manic advice/input please **Disclaimer, not asking if I'm manic Ik im manic I just am curious on if what I think caused it is even possible** + +Well it's official, my guess was correct, i know this because i've been crying for no reason and I was like oh im just dramatic, then i started getting very irritable, then paranoid, and now I feel coked up. I hate it here idk what triggered it. + +Is it possible that realllly good news could have triggered it? Cause over springbreak I got the best news that the person who sexually assaulted me got suspended from the school. And I had like this burst of euphoria because I was so happy, I stayed up for two days because I had so much energy, but other than that I don't think I had any other symptoms. Last week tuesday is when the random crying episodes began. My ex has been trying to take care of me because I would just ball for no reason and I was trying to figure out why, like i couldnt be alone or else i would start crying from anxiety and then on sunday I was so depressed I was staring off into space and wouldnt move or talk so my ex had to help me out of bed. + +Yesterday I had sugar and was like hm this is a suspisuous amount of energy. Then today after I got a good critique from my proffesor I got filled with energy, then I ate food and drank water and now I have even more because when Im manic and I eat or drink water it makes the mania worse. But like seriously could good news have caused this? + +Over break I was also pretty inconsistant with meds but I was still taking them. Like I think I missed one night dose (Which I've done before and I've felt compleltly fine. I take 300mg total 200mg morning 100mg at night of lamictal, I was preparing for a depressive episode if i lost but now i'm having a mixed episode for the first time in a year which i was really happy about my winning streak against that and I havent been manic since like novemeber. + +Anyways from the way I'm typing im like 100% sure that I am and it's just been getting worse throughout the day. I need to take some hydroxizine that typically takes me down from the euphoria. Like I feel great but I hate feeling this happy and peppy and literally nausious from energy it's 3pm and I've eaten like four fried mozzarella sticks and that made me so stuffed. + +Okay sorry again, do you think this good new could have triggered it? Because it wasn't until springbreak that i thought I was hypomanic, but it's been like two weeks and the symptoms have gotten worse.",Bipolar +49850,"I need someone to talk about bipolar So, I have a lot of problems because I'm also border. Sometimes I get picky with food and stop to eat, I can't shower and have trouble with my sleep. Anyone like this too? I don't like to feel this way, I take my meds everyday and talk to my therapist and still feel bad, I have suicidal thoughts and I drink and smoke a lot. I tried to talk with other bipolars in real life but they don't want to talk about it. My house is trash, I feel no good and I'm always shaking. Sorry, I just need someone to talk to.",Bipolar +49851,"Best mood tracker app My mood is being wack depressed anxiety spurts of a bunch of energy anger blah blah blah it’s literally all of these all day. So what’s everyone’s favorite mood tracker? I use EMMO which I like a lot bc it’s cute af but since my mood is crazy I need something to track throughout the day. I kinda like the thought of a journal but I don’t have time to make it cute bc it needs to be cute and cohesive. + +I found a bunch of apps curated to ppl with bipolar but idk if that’s are cool or not. + +Suggestions please",Bipolar +49852,"little meds revelation during therapy I did an ocd assessment with my psychologist today (turns out I’m right on the moderate cusp of ocd symptoms goody for me I guess) and I talked with her about how to bring this up with my med manager bc those symptoms have been bad lately. And really the best meds that I’m aware of for treatment of ocd are SSRIs which I’ve had mixed reactions with in the past. + +For a long time I thought I wasn’t bipolar bc I stopped taking my meds cold turkey and didn’t have a life ruining spiral I was just depressed on and off for a few years until some hormonal changes triggered my hypomanic episodes again. But in all this time I never once realized that my hypomanic episodes from before ended after I stopped taking lexapro. That was part of my cocktail with lamotrigine and rotating through antipsychotics. I was having little episodes and blips and mixed features all through that original course of treatment. I never counted that in my story bc I figured I was being appropriately treated for bipolar when I clearly wasn’t. This isn’t like earth shattering news but it is yet another confirmation that this is real and I’m miffed about it lol",Bipolar +49853,"High from impulse spending Hey y’all . Been thinking about my experiences and reflecting on my behavior and actions prior to being medicated. Not gonna lie, still have some denial.. you know the “I’m not bipolar” thoughts . However I take my meds because I know deep down there is some truth to the diagnosis . Anyone ever used to get a high when they bought stuff? I used to get this insane rush when I would buy things and spend money frivolously prior to being medicated. I did get myself into financial trouble. Now that I’m medicated, when I look at things to potentially buy- I almost have the opposite feeling. I get out off by it all. Anyone else notice that after being medicated? Just curious. Also - anyone ever miss the “high”? I sure as heck don’t want to go back to that but on occasion I do miss that feeling, as weird as that sounds.",Bipolar +49854,"I Think My BP Is Getting Worse Hi... I really need a space to express myself right now. I have had a BP diagnosis for just over 8 years. I was diagnosed at 18, and I stayed medicated until I was 22. However, when I was 22 I ended up homeless due to a conflict with my mother. I was having trouble getting my medication at the time, so I eventually talked to my doctor about weaning myself off my medication. He agreed that I was handling my symptoms very well, and that we could give it a shot. All was very well for the next unmedicated 3.5 years. + +However, just this year, I've been going through some noticeable changes. Starting about 6 months ago, I settled into hypomania and dealt with it rather well. However, that hypomania, for the first time ever, developed into mania. I am currently enjoying the worst depressive episode I have ever had in my life - but I'm thinking it's a mixed episode because I am also irritable and experiencing impulse control issues. + +I've heard that bipolar can become more intense as you age, but I really didn't see this coming. I thought I was one of ""the lucky ones"" whose symptoms weren't severe enough to necessitate treatment and that I could use all the tools I learned in my many years of inpatient and outpatient therapy to stay on track. I do have an intake appointment for a local psychiatric care group lined up, but, for the first time, my symptoms are so bad that I'm having trouble working and doing day-to-day tasks. I have also noticed a lapse in memory, which really scares me. I can't bear to be around people because I don't want them to see me like this. And I'm scared I'll lash out at them before I can think twice. + +I know that I will ride this out. I know that everything that goes up will eventually go down and back up again. But right now, I would help to know that I'm not completely alone in this.",Bipolar +49855,"Young bipolar woman hoping for future Hello everyone + +First, I'm French, so sorry if my english is not perfect perfect. + +I'm 24 years old, living in Paris and apparently bipolar type 1 with intense psychotic features. + +My life was almost totally hell for several years, after my diagnosis. + +The doctors didn't correctly adjust my medication, and I already have undergo more than 2 very big crisis. Since we have discovered that I needed neuroleptic, my life has changed for the best. + +Despite my age, I'm still in an undergraduate program at university. In fact, my disease has caused many issues during my school and university years. I would love to become a ""documentarian"" (somebody who work in the field of documentation, information...). I want to have my first job, in the public domain, in less than two or three years. + +I have a boyfriend since 5 years, and I would love to build a life with him. He's already working since several years, so I'm eager to work, so we can ""advance"". + +I would like to have a family, one or two children, and a house, in a place that we would love. + +BUT I have to be realistic. Since my diagnosis, I had more than 2 very big crisis, and many littles ones. + +I have decided since two years to perfectly take my traitement. So my life is better now. But in 2022, I had a hypomaniac and next mixte episode, which cause many problems in my study program. I'm in the obligation to do one year in two years, because I have too much delay. + +To be precise, my doctor and I had change Zyprexa to Abilify. The Abilify was at 15mg, the lithium that I take too was too low....So there was a crisis. Now, I'm hoping that the augmentation of lithium and Abilify will be relevant and protective for the years to come. + +Moreover, I decided to establish a more protective routine. I began yoga, stopped alcool... + +But I really need to be stable in the years to come in order to succeed in my academics, and in my life in general. + +Do you think it is possible ? Are my dreams impossible ? Do you think my stabilization in the long run is possible ? + +I precise that recently, a doctor said me that with this treatment, it wasn't impossible to be stabilized for me, but I don't know if I can believe him.",Bipolar +49856,"bipolar 2 to bipolar 1 misdiagnosis? Hi. My mental health journey like so many others has been one of many difficulties. My psychiatrist believes I’ve been misdiagnosed with bipolar 2 and said I’m more aligned with bipolar 1 and I agree. + +Has anyone ever had this happen to them too? It’s so frustrating to be misdiagnosed time and time again",Bipolar +49857,"Are there any birth control options that work well for bipolar II? Me and my fiancé haven’t been wanting to use condoms,but we still don’t want any babies rn! so I was curious is anyone that is on here taking birth control? If so what form of birth control and what other bipolar medications y’all take with it? Also how was or is your experience with it?",Bipolar +49858,"Will I ever feel loved? I never had a relationship last over 4-5 month because of my illness, they get tired of me as soon as I am not the fun person I was anymore, they get distant if I have a depressive episode, get mad if my sexual drive is low. + +What Am I doing wrong? + +Why am I like this?",Bipolar +49859,"Spending / relationships At what point have you brought up the topic of impulsive spending with your partner? I’ve been with my partner for about a year and a half and we currently live together. I’m very open about BP and he’s supportive, but I can’t get myself to bring up the topic of finances. He knows I’ve struggled before from past manic episodes, but he doesn’t know the extent of the damage those did to my bank account. I struggle with feelings of shame and most of the time I would rather suffer in silence than let anyone know what’s going on behind the scenes. How do I tell someone that I’m in credit card debt (although not much rn thankfully) but I keep spending and making it worse? I feel like it’s trying to explain how addiction works to someone who’s never experienced it. I don’t want him to see me as irresponsible or look at me differently idk maybe I’m just in my head",Bipolar +49860,Loss of appetite on Seroquel so to my knowledge seroquel is a weight gainer so my doctor avoided putting me on it for a while but now i’m taking 50mg and i have a huge decrease in appetite. even when i’m hungry i make a meal and only end up eating 1/2-3/4 of it. anyone else experience this?,Bipolar +49861,"Acne from litarex Does anybody have any good tips on how to deal with acne as a side effect from the psych meds (lithium)? +I feel like I’ve tried everything, and maybe I should just accept it but… man I miss my clear skin",Bipolar +49862,"I don’t think I have bipolar. I don’t think I have it, I think I’m faking everything and I feel frustrated. I think I’ve made it all up in my head. + +I feel fine now that I’m on meds, I think I just need antidepressants not lamictal. I think I’m going to get off lamictal and just ask my therapist if I can get on an anti depressant. + +I think I just have cyclical depression and I’m just a bit cocky and and paranoid and irritable and creative.",Bipolar +49863,"Long Lasting Mania? I had spinal surgery last July, and since then I feel like I've been extremely manic. I've gotten over 20 tattoos on my body and have spent all of my income as it comes in. I have 11 more scheduled, and that is with me really weeding out some of the ones I don't really want. I have been oddly stable but manic at the same time, some days stretching many days without need for sleep. My brain doesn't shut off. + +Is it possible to have long lasting mania that lasts more than 6 months? I'm terribly manic right now, and I fear the hypomania that is impending. I feel that my mania will last as long as I keep getting tattoos, but getting them is preventing me from being depressed as they make me very happy. I don't know, I'm a mess right now.",Bipolar +49864,"Can’t eat while depressive episode Hello guys I’m right now in a depressive episode and can’t eat anything. I couldn’t eat in the past days at all and when I finally eat a bite I straight throw up, I’ve tried to eat slowly but everytime I see the food I just can’t eat it and I fell sick right the second I see it and I was wondering if someone had some experience too with that and maybe have some suggestions how I can eat something.",Bipolar +49865,"Official diagnosis Just officially got diagnosed with BP1 along with rapid cycling. Was prescribed lamotrigine starting at 12.5mg and slowly working up to 100mg. Along with Seroquel 25mg also slowly working up to 100mg as needed. And Clonzapam 1mg as needed. + +Not sure if this medication combo will work for me, but I’m excited to start the journey before I self-destruct to a point I can’t return from. I’m glad I’m finally getting help.",Bipolar +49866,"Struggling to keep friendships and being social I received my Bipolar diagnosis last year and it’s been really affecting my friendships. I’ve managed to break every bond I once had and now I feel like I’ll never be able to make these type of connections again. I understand that people grow apart, life gets busy, and sometimes it’s better to be alone. I value my alone time, especially now that I’m learning to love this new version of me. However, I don’t want to be lonely 😔 Is it bad that I can’t keep friendships? I often ask myself if I’m just a bad friend or even a bad person because I can’t keep friends. I see my partner and their friend group and I just wish I had people like that. They make it look so easy, while I’m over here overthinking everything I said or did or if I overshared and overwhelmed them…Does it ever get better? Any advice ?",Bipolar +49867,"I’m so anxious. All the god damn time. I can’t go to my uni classes, I can’t get a job, I can’t write an email, I can barely leave the house. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m scared of everything. + +I don’t even know what I’m scared of I just am. I’m just anxious. I was stable for like a year and now I’m plummeting I don’t know what to do. I was doing so well but now I’m just so anxious. I don’t want to have to quit my degree. + +I want to be good but it’s just hard. + +Thank you for listening to me",Bipolar +49868,"I need to talk to someone who’s lived with this illness longer for advice Age doesn’t really matter as much I just need to talk to someone who’s struggled with this illness for 5+ years and has landed on their feet. + +I have a lot of things to ask, and a lot of them are personal. I’m not sure if this is against the rules, from what I’ve read I can’t see any rule against this. + +Thanks in advance",Bipolar +49869,"My best friend changed after he started dating It hurts to see urself not the priority anymore. I was travelling and I came back yesterday so + +I called him and told him when will I see u + +he said he’s seeing his girl He hasn’t seen her in 2 days + +I told him u haven’t seen me in 10 days also how about u go see her and come see me after + +He said no he wants to spend the night with her and he didn’t apologize or anything + +Honestly I thought I’d just hear the words “I’m sorry but I can’t” like at least tell me I’ll make it up for u another day + +Nothing …",Bipolar +49870,,Bipolar +49871,Hypersexuality Really struggling with this today. I was just diagnosed yesterday and it all makes sense. I’ve been struggling with it on and off for years. It’s super difficult not to act in it sometimes.,Bipolar +49872,"My first time here I have Bi Polar and don’t talk to anyone about it. How do I accept that I have it? +I’m 27 and was diagnosed when I was 21 but I still struggle with believing I have a mental illness.",Bipolar +49873,"Shift Work and Me Sooo I moved roles at my company in September to a shift of Wed-Sat 2am-12pm. At this time, I didn't know the effects of my circadian rhythm on my bi polar. I was able to move to 4 am-2pm, but now I have been asked to go back to 2am-12pm. + +My question is, does anyone else do shift work? How do they manage it? I have a wife and 2 kids, 5 & 3. And I am seeing time just slip away.",Bipolar +49874,"Now on a cocktail of lithium 300 mg x3, clonezepam .5mg, and risperidone 2 mg. Now on a cocktail of lithium 300 mg x3, clonezepam .5mg, and risperidone 2 mg. Doc upped my meds after I told him about my most recent travels (traveling is really triggering for me). This cocktail helps but any tips getting through the work day? It makes me so tired and groggy and zombie like.",Bipolar +49875,"Meds effecting my sex life? I think the medicine I'm on is starting to effect mine (and my wife's) sex life. I'm on 900mg of lithium, 80mg of Latuda, 100mg of Trazadone, 300mg if Wellbutrin. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions? I see my pdoc in 2 weeks",Bipolar +49876,"Every time I’m manic I want to cheat on my boyfriend I’m currently manic and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like this almost every time I’m manic. It’s especially bad since I’ve caught him cheating on me (more than once) so now my brain can “justify” it. I get extremely hypersexual when I’m manic and I find have my sex with someone that I’ve been having sex with for awhile extremely boring. I want new and exciting, the thrill of sleeping with someone I’ve never had sex with. I know this makes me seem like a shitty person but I just can’t stop thinking about it despite knowing how wrong it is + + +Edit to add: + +1.) I am not going to cheat, I am able to reason enough to know I won’t, but that doesn’t mean the thought isn’t there + +2.) I had to come off of the meds I was on due to pregnancy and it being known to cause birth defects. I go see my psychiatrist again soon to get started on something pregnancy safe, he’s just been out of town + +3.) Just because you personally have never experienced this feeling, does not mean it’s not a thing. Everyone’s experience with mental illness is different. I am aware that mania is not an excuse to cheat, when not manic I have no desire to seek attention or sex elsewhere + +4.) An open relationship/ ethical non monogamy is a no go for him. He’s (ironically) way too jealous for any of that and has made it very clear he has no interest in such a thing, especially anything involving me being with another person + + +5.) This post was not an invite to say weird creepy shit in my dms",Bipolar +49877,"Memory Problems Does anyone else have a terrible memory? Mine started getting worse with my first manic episode, and it hasn’t stopped. I’m only 21 years old and my memory is noticeably deteriorating. I’m so scared I’m gonna start to forget really important core memories. Pretty often, when someone brings up a past event, or something I did or said, I won’t have any recollection of it. My short term memory is also not always great. I’m worried about it and I don’t know if there’s anything I can even do :/",Bipolar +49878,"I can’t find a med combo that works *for me* I’ve tried a good amount of available meds (lithium, Depakote, olanzapine, Seroquel, Abilify, Rexulti, Latuda…). + +While some of them “work” (ease depression, lessen psychosis, and prevent/lessen mania), they don’t work *for me*. + +The side-effects are too much for me to accept (weight gain, akathisia, and my least favourite, emotional blunting/stifling creativity). + +I’m schizoaffective bipolar subtype and realize I need meds to function, but sometimes it feels like a losing battle to find a combo that works — *for me*. + +I’m on 750mg of lithium and 20mg olanzapine right now (because it “works”). + +Is it about accepting the downsides of meds and just living as stably as possible?",Bipolar +49879,,Bipolar +49880,"Olanzapine and Weight Loss Has anyone lost weight while on olanzapine? I am steadily just gaining weight and I'm wondering about some pointers on how to stay at a healthy weight. I don't want to keep going up. + +I am pretty stable on my current combination of meds so I don't want to try something else and screw everything up.",Bipolar +49881,"Asking friends for support when hypomanic? Do you think it's a good idea to ask friends to hang out or be around you, when you're in an episode -- either depressed or hypomanic? + +I'm currently hypomanic, and it scares me so much. I just don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to subject anyone else to my rambling conversations and agitation. + +Is it better to hibernate at home, and avoid people? Are chill hangouts alright? Is this considered rude or asking too much of other people?",Bipolar +49882,,Bipolar +49883,how do you manage anhedonia? Recently I haven't been able to feel anything. I'm so demotivated I can't do anything. I feel so hopeless recently and a bit frustrated that I am numb. I'm currently on olanzapine and I'm not sure if this is a side effect of this medicine. Any help would be appreciated.,Bipolar +49884,"Best “I should’ve known” moments? Hey! +I recently found a poem that I wrote two years ago (pre-diagnosis) and, reading it, I was like, “are you kidding? this is SO bipolar- how didn’t I know?” + +I can post the poem in the comments- it’s not very good but I thought it was very validating. Anyone else have any pre-diagnosis “how didn’t I know?” relics/moments? :)",Bipolar +49885,,Bipolar +49886,"When manic, do any of you have trouble reading body language, facial expressions or interpreting tone? I feel the root cause of this is paranoia caused by mania, at least in my case. + +I have experienced misinterpreting facial expressions, body language and tone whilst interacting with people, and tend to jump to conclusions, typically negative ones. + +For example, I was waiting in line for ice cream today, and the woman in front of me turned around, looked me up and down and then scoffed at me. + +I don’t know if this interaction actually happened like I perceived it. My initial feeling was this woman was judging me. + +This of course pissed me off, but instead of starting a fight with her, I decided to take a deep breath, left my place in line and walked the opposite direction. + +I decided the ice dream wasn’t worth possibly getting into an altercation with a stranger. + +Anyway, can anyone relate to this?",Bipolar +49887,"Bipolar 2 and Sex Addiction (P&M) Hi there, +This isn't meant to be a testimonial exactly, I'd be happy to have that someday, but for now I want to see if this is relatable to folks here. I've been diagnosed with BPD2 and am a self identifies sex addict (and video games but let's stop that list here:⁠-⁠P) [btw I have joined the SA 12-step program and sought other outlets, which are all well and good, I'm just seeking validation] + + I've been on Lamictal and Wellbutrin for a couple years now and they've been a part of my daily routine through some seriously hard times, some could argue I wouldn't be here today without them as part of my treatment. Another consistent factor is my primary coping mechanism..., since I was like 13 I've had a daily routine, a nightly ritual if you will, of masturbation and more often than not, some form of pornography. + +It dawned on me that I might be dependent on this behavior as it's a function that I literally have a handle of and gives me the otherwise nonexistent sense of predictability/reliability in my neurochemistry. Nothing beats the surge of endorphins to detach from my woes at the end of the day, followed by the subsequent oh-so-sweet fatigue and ability to sleep. + +Now I don't have the capacity to get into the weeds here yet, but it's causing me issues even in a peak state of stability in my life. I want to know if other neurodivergents are experiencing similar sexual habits and their perspective, both on themselves (yourselves) and on the behavior. I'm oversleeping after late nights on screen, struggling to find peace in my love life, and craving the same power & control I feel when I get my porn and orgasm. + +I have had periods of time where I stayed limited: turning of screens before bed, being open with partners about my porn usage. What I notice still is I crave the release, my body demands it or will refuse to sleep. I'm always half a thought away from overspending on sex toys or obsessively looking for ways to have sex. + +I find myself over sexualizing things and ending up at a point of...well guess I'll just masturbate and coast on that feeling. Procrast-urbation is also a like a key figure in my life's behavioral history; I've masturbated and crashed out to fill the time, then woken up the moment (or long after) something was due or I need to be somewhere or do something. + +TL;DR +Where my bipolar sex addicts at? I'm trying to figure out where these two bastards are conspiring so I can fight them separately and stand against them. I wonder who can relate to my experience with pseudo stability dependent on sexual habits.",Bipolar +49888,"Medication compliance and organization tips? I’m a 24 year old female, diagnosed in 2012 and I have always had struggles with facing the beast of medications… organizing them and seeing it all in front of me gets so overwhelming… I just don’t. Even picking them up from the pharmacy is a lot to handle sometimes that I wait to pick them up. Or if at all. + +Whether it’s for my ADHD, Bipolar, pain management, rx vitamins.. it’s always an internal struggle. The cognitive dissonance between knowing I’m actively making the decision to not take them and knowing I want to get better is a difficult thing to face. I don’t know how to make it click or how to start. + +I’ve heard this is unfortunately a common occurrence for people with my particular diagnosis. If you have organizational advice or advice on a mentality switch- please advise.",Bipolar +49889,"Problems with being touched? Anyone else go through periods where they don’t like to be touched by anyone? I’ve never been a fan of contact, it always seems so foreign to me, Never natural. Right now just having any skin to skin contact makes my skin crawl (sorry, couldn’t come up with a better term) I just hung out with a group of friends who I haven’t seen in a while and in the traditional midwestern way there were hugs all around. I hated it. + +I love my wife dearly but there I times when she touches me I feel like a stranger is laying their hands on me. It’s just so icky.",Bipolar +49890,"so I’ve accepted my diagnosis. I have bp1. But for me mania is miserable anxious horrific. Nothing fun just anxiety and energy pouring out of ever part of my body, insane talkativeness, flight of ideas, can’t stand being alone. Just need to be doing something. It’s not like it’s depicted in popular media. It’s NOT “fun” I don’t have delusions of grandeur. I don’t feel high or like everything’s great I feel like im crawling out of my skin. Anyone else have this or know where I can read more about this type of mania? Im on meds but they’re taking a bit to work take a bit to work (just upped med number two and woohooo we’re getting there and the meds are starting to work) but it’s killing me and I lost a close friend bcs they can’t handle my inability to “take accountability for my actions” “I’m playing the bipolar victim card” according to him bcs I lose focus and talk too much and am all over the place. But I’m trying my best. I see my counselor once or twice a week and my psychiatrist every month even though he’s crazy expensive. I just want to understand this type of mania",Bipolar +49891,"Discomfort with stigmatizing language toward other illnesses To start with, I don't know that this is a hugely widespread issue. For the most part I think this is one of the most welcoming communities I've ever been a part of, on so many levels, so I don't want to make it seem like this is an omnipresent problem or anything. But I've seen a couple of comments on the sub in the past few days that stigmatize other illnesses (schizophrenia and personality disorders specifically), and I just felt like I had to say something. + +As a community of people with a profoundly stigmatized illness, we should know better, and we should absolutely not be adding to anybody else's burden with misinfo or stigmatizing language. A lot of us have various comorbidities, and a lot of us have schizoaffective! They deserve this space to be safe and welcoming, too. As someone who lurks on the schizophrenia reddit a lot for help with my psychotic symptoms, and who has only ever felt comforted and respected there, I feel horrified at the idea that our sub might make someone else feel anything less than welcome. + +Again, I don't want to blow anything out of proportion. But let's try to make sure we're being respectful, and not talking about other illnesses the same way people talk about ours.",Bipolar +49892,"Pharmacy Has To Order My Medication I won’t say what the medication is, but it is for my anxiety. My anxiety seems to amplify my Bipolar and my psychosis symptoms. Well we learned tonight that my pharmacy has to order my medication and should have it tomorrow. I took my last one tonight (I can’t order ahead of time due to it being a controlled substance). I ordered it today because of that reason, I have to wait until I have two pills left. I am due for it next in the morning before the pharmacy opens. I am scared I am going to withdraw because I been on it for 5 years. Does anyone have any advice to help with withdrawal symptoms if I have them? I am so scared you guys. I have always been scared about being without any of my meds. + +For extra context, I take my medication properly and pass my drug test the facility I get treatment at.",Bipolar +49893,"Music Production + Tinnitus + Techno + Financial Nosedive Hi all. Spent the last year spending heavily into music production for techno and releasing some songs. Got tons of positive feedback. Ears are ringing now and only stop when I don't produce / don't go to shows/raves/gigs. + + +Last week kept me up - destroyed my earphones in a rage. I finally found something I was truly truly passionate about. I poured so much $ into this and planned on getting some gigs going and had leads, and now this. + + +Just depressed today. Stressed about money. Don't want to go down the tubes but feel like there's no ground beneath my feet - AND my damn ears are ringing! + + +Anyone else deal with tinnitus? I don't think it's a very good combo with bipolar. It is making me very unhinged.",Bipolar +49894,Med question Best antidepressant that eases social anxiety but doesn’t send you into a mixed episode? I should add that I am on Rexulti to help combat the side effects of any antidepressants. Cheers!,Bipolar +49895,"Work and intrusive thoughts I find in the repetitive aspects work, I have intrusive thoughts that make my face scrunch up. I also have issues writing down dates on things and freeze or write the wrong thing and correct half way through being disabled by brain issues is weird, any one have similar issues, or point me in any direction so I know what to look up. Will be going to the doctor, I just kind of want to get my questions nailed down for efficacy. + +Yay for being disabled where even three and half hours 5 days can make issues arise.",Bipolar +49896,"It doesn't get better I changed everything, EVERYTHING. EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF LIFE I CHANGED. I've been to 4 different schools in the past 2 years. I've changed myself, tried to work on who I was, made myself more likable, went to the gym, and started taking care of myself. I've been to 9 different doctors, for different opinions. 7 therapists just to find one I was comfortable with. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FUCKING MEDICATION. I've tried Zoloft, Abilify, Lamictal, Zyprexa, Lexapro, Strattera, Prozac, Seroquel, Risperdal, Xanax, Klonopin, and Ativan. Not to even mention the ""natural"" supplements I tried out of pure desperation. IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. + +The only combination that ""worked"" for me was the olanzapine/fluoxetine combo with Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. That combination bought me a month of euthymia, A FUCKING MONTH before it started to go to shit again. My mood started to decline for NO FUCKING REASON. My life was going perfectly, BUT FOR SOME FUCKING REASON MY MOOD STARTED TO DECLINE. I decided to go off Lamictal because of the brain fog, and because it wasn't helping at that point. Eventually, I went off of olanzapine because of the fatigue. Replaced it with quetiapine but that didn't do shit. Got hospitalized because my depression was getting out of control, I went out with hope for the first time. I got discharged on January 28th, wasn't really doing well but I was hopeful, by February 8th all that hope AND MORE was crushed. Attempted suicide, and spent another 3 days at the hospital but refused to get admitted to the ward again because they were completely fucking useless. Couple of weeks later had a mixed episode because quetiapine wasn't working for me like olanzapine was. My life was completely beyond repair after the episode, completely over. Just completely over, no way it was ever getting better after that. Went back to olanzapine and here I am. + +As I said, my life is over. This illness has defeated me. It's been a month and it hasn't gotten any bit better. My mood chart looks like a flat line, I haven't had a single mood that wasn't awful in the past month and a half. No one cares, people don't care that they've hurt me. Everyone has moved on, but I'm here. I don't know why I'm here, like I said, it's over. I cry myself to sleep whenever I can. I avoid almost everyone except for a few close friends who don't even know what I'm going through. I don't want to tell them because it just ruins everything. I believe all people are inherently assholes, its in our nature to be selfish. I deserve to suffer like this, not because Im me but just because im human. Every human deserves this and more. + +Even if I were to get better, I would still be awful. My doctors and I have practically given up on trying to treat my anxiety because I don't respond well to the medication(obviously SSRIs induce mania). It's over. It's over. It's over. It's fucking over",Bipolar +49897,"Paranoia coming back after switching medications My appointment isn't until April but I'm debating contacting my doctor. I just realized this morning that both last night and this morning it's been hard to take my medication because I believe I'll have a bad reaction, or I've already taken them and I'll 'overdose'. Thankfully we just cut down my dose so I still feel ok taking them even with the concern I already have (I have not). + +I guess I'm just debating if I should wait until my appointment in mid-April or call. I've been hassling her because starting the new meds caused some nasty side effects initially but seems to have gone away. I seem okay overall, asides from this.",Bipolar +49898,"What do you hate being told the most? I hate when people tell me what I just need to do to get better. They act like if I just do something simple (exercise more, cut out sugar, take whatever vitamins, etc.) my life would be so much easier and I wouldn’t struggle so much. They act like I’m stupid because I can’t function like a “normal” person and doing something simple is the answer. It is very frustrating. + +What do people tell you that you hate?",Bipolar +49899,Constant tremor I guess it's pretty common with bipolar disorder cause my buddy has the same problem. And when I experience hypomania my hands are shaking too bad especially. But is there any way out? Been kinda tired of this recently :(,Bipolar +49900,"Dissatisfaction is Eating Me Alive One of my biggest struggles with bipolar is a constant feeling of boredom and dissatisfaction in my life. For as long as I can remember, if I'm not doing exactly what I know will make me happy (often I have 0 idea what this even is) I get this feeling in my stomach and chest that makes me feel hot, anxious, uncomfortable, and general just bad. +Sometimes I wake up from a shitty sleep, my coffee tastes like garbage, my pets are driving me nuts, I don't have anything to eat, it's cold, EVERYTHING just feels like it's wrong and sometimes this lasts for days. I struggle to keep hobbies but recognize that I can't just spend money whenever I want though it makes me feel better. Recently, I am very agitated as well. When I'm dealing with this boredom it makes me mean and snappy. I live with my partner and I love him and our life so much but some days just being in the same room as other people causes the burning in my chest and stomach. Maybe these are depressive episodes, but until now my lows weren't like this. + +What is everyone doing to combat such boredom and emptiness? I feel like I'm running out of ideas and options.",Bipolar +49901,"Hypomania/mania doubt Does anyone ever feel like their hypomania or mania isn’t that bad, when in reality it is? I’m always questioning my diagnosis because I feel like my mania isn’t even half as bad as some things I read. Or not even close to what is portrayed on tv shows or movies. Recently it’s been getting worse, as I’ve had strong urges to do really risky stuff. For example, I had such an urge to climb up the stairs and stand and lean over the railing where a kid jumped off. And I was gonna do it to get rid of the feeling, but then I was scared that I would continue to lean and lean until I got the urge to jump off. Same thing happened when I crossed a bridge except I did end up leaning into it. But before this episode, my mania was only feeling really confident, or believing I had superpowers, or paranoia that everyone was looking at me, and my irritation was really bad. Like I was screaming at my computer today. Just wanna know if anyone also thinks their not bipolar because their mania isn’t even half as bad as they read some peoples experiences",Bipolar +49902,"I can’t do this anymore I’m 35 and I just recently attempted suicide and was admitted to a behavioral health hospital for 4 days. They got me stabilized and took me off my antidepressant because it causes mania and put me on Depakote to stabilize my moods. I got home and my husband only told me I’ve ruined his life, my life, and our daughter’s life. She’s 10 and it’s clear she also has bipolar disorder. It runs in my family. My grandma had it and tried to end her life around my age too. My mother the same thing. Now me. I know this is my daughters future. My husband says I’m not ever going to get better because I just don’t get it. I do get it but I can’t help it. Now my job is making me go on medical leave while I am going through outpatient and I don’t know how I’m going to afford to live. I’m supposed to resume college classes tomorrow and I have to get a B or higher or I’ll lose my financial aid. Meanwhile my husband says he can’t parent with me and that he hates me. I CAN’T DO THIS! I’ve suffered through 35 years of this misery. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. None of my family will help me and they all live scattered across the country and none of them are near me except my sister but she hates me. I have no friends because I isolate myself in depressive states so they’ve all moved on. I don’t blame them. I’m a mess. Like how is any of this going to get better if my brain is broken?",Bipolar +49903,medication and music music used to be my outlet i loved it so much i used to show off how i could remember a whole rap after just listening to it once but since i’ve been meditated my love for it is gone and i can’t remember shit even my favorite songs i get wrong i really don’t understand. anyone else??,Bipolar +49904,"Feel like a bad Dad and Husband So this is just a rant so sorry for taking up space in the feed when other's have more serious things going on. But anyway. I have been in a very low place lately, I was doing great for a while, was relatively stable, the closest I have been to ""normal"" in a long time. However I had a pretty bad episode a couple of weeks ago and hurt myself and did some stupid stuff. Anyway, now I am waiting to be admitted into a PHP but there is a 4 week waiting list so I am just kinda floating by as I wait. I am a stay at home Dad (I am on disability), and I feel so awful because I just kinda sit here while my 1 and a half year old runs around and I put on Ms. Rachel (if you are a parent you may know who that is) and just let him do his own thing. I love my son with every ounce of my being, he is my whole world. He and my wife keep me going, keep me alive. But I just feel like I am so inadequate as a dad. I barely have the motivation or energy to fully interact with him and be the father I really want to be. Don't get me wrong I don't neglect him, I make sure he's healthy and safe, I keep my eyes on him and when he acknowledges me I give him hugs and snuggles and kisses and he just fills my heart with joy. But I feel like I could be doing so much more to better his life, I should be sitting with him and teaching him how to speak, teaching him right from wrong, but instead I sit here on my computer listening to music and watch him run around and play with his toys because its the only thing that keeps me level and the only thing I have the mental capacity to do to get through the day before my wife gets home from work. I have no regrets being a parent even with this disorder, I just hate myself for not being more involved in his development. I know he loves me, he always runs up to me saying Dada Dada and smiles and laughs and is such a happy little dude, I just hope this program I am going to be doing will help me figure out how to regulate my emotions better so I can be more interactive and give him the best childhood he can possibly have. I want to build forts with him and run around outside and use our imaginations and go on pretend adventures. I just wish I could have the mental power to do these things and feel like a better father. And with my wife I feel like I am always dragging drama into her life. She constantly has to worry about me, hide all the knives in the house, she has to remind me how to be a human, make me shower, remind me to eat, remind me to take my meds, remind me to do things around the house etc. she is incredible and such a trooper and my savior but she deserves so much better. It's weighing heavily on me and I just feel like I am failing as a father and a husband. Anyway that is my rant thank you for listening.",Bipolar +49905,"I was recently diagnosed with bipolar, is this a symptom you experience? It’s almost like when I’m extremely paranoid, or going through a hypomanic episode and being reckless, impulsive, agitated, sometimes it feels like a part of me is aware. Kinda like I’m behind a glass wall, Like a small part of me is saying: + +“no don’t post something like that.” “Don’t say something like that” +“This paranoia is not based in reality, you’re not in immediate danger.” +“You shouldn’t do this.” + +It makes me feel like I’m faking my bipolar, or maybe I have something else?? Someone please tell me if you feel similarly to this, or if maybe I don’t actually have bipolar and I’m just a paranoid, irritated, reckless person sometimes. + +I definitely have hypersexual episodes too, and times where I don’t need to sleep much, but I think that could just be high libido and insomnia?",Bipolar +49906,"NARC PARENTS & CHILD ABUSE Hey guys quick spill just so you get the jist of things ,I’m 19 and ever since I can remember my parents have been narcissists I haven’t always realized this but as I got into my teens I became educated on the subject and I had to accept the reality of things because I was a scapegoat for 1 and 2 its tearing me apart in ways I prayed it would never , but they are technically my aunt and uncle but they adopted 12 kids all the kids are grown up and out of the house now except me im the youngest of the bunch they got my when I was 8 months old cs my real mother was fighting her own demons , my uncle is my real moms brother I quickly learned him and my real mom didn’t really like each other growing up , i don’t know exactly why but they don’t they both have issues but anytime they go around each other they fight but my point is now the house is dysfunctional as heck my aunt that I once saw as literally one of the most genuine beautiful spirited person I’d ever know and it stayed that way until I was about 15 her being around my narcissistic uncle her husband has taken a toll on her and on top of that I know she knew what she was doing she was too good at what she did the charm , but now my uncle is about 57 and my aunt is 64 they took custody of their 3 grandkids one has sensory disorder he is a boy and 11 now another is a now 9 year old girl and a now 17 year old boy the 17 year old is a rascal he has suffered a lot and he doesn’t really grasp life right now which is understandable so he helps them treat me like shit the kids I don’t blame because I know they don’t know any better to treat me like shit because it’s what they see and hear all day and their grandparents are narcissistic people which their delicate minds can fully understand just yet but don’t get it twisted they know when something’s not right they just don’t have the confidence or courage to speak up because they think it’s how life is unless they are getting tourtured physically and can show the abuse and you can see the wounds and maker sure they heal but what about the inner wounds that don’t heal as quickly I can tell you I lived thru being their kid for 17 years cause as soon as I turned 18 and I didn’t act or do what they want me to I was no good to them and I know it didn’t just magically start when I was 18 but this leads me to my point do you believe having a narcissist parent or guardian should be considered abuse or neglectful in a form ?! I do but please share with me I know we need hard moments in life to build character but that shouldn’t be traumatizing and abusive moments that last for years until you “escape” !!!",Bipolar +49907,"Do people with bipolar ever feel better than just ok? I’m meeting with my doctor tomorrow and I’m thinking about asking for new medication to add on. + +I’m not sure what to say, though. +I’ve been diagnosed with BP2 for 11 years. I was on medicine for a few years and then I unmedicated for a few years. + +My mental health got worse after getting diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. + +I’m currently on Lamictal. It’s definitely helped. My issue is that I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I’m better than I was 6 months ago. I feel okay. But that’s just it. Just okay. Some days are better than others, but I’m alright. I feel like I need something else. But I wonder if just being okay is all I’m ever gonna get because I’m bipolar? Will I ever feel true happiness? Like… I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, but I don’t know if this is was happiness is? I feel very nonchalant. I’m sure this has something to do with MS, too. + +What would you say?",Bipolar +49908,"About to be out of meds I'm not very smart and I figured you guys would know. I live in the US and I recently moved to a new state (6 months ago),, never got in contact with a new doctor. I can call around tomorrow but I assume it'll take me a long time to get in anywhere. I only have two doses of my seroquel left. My old one from the other state made it clear last time that he would not refill it again. I'm fucking stupid and this is all my own fault. + + Do I have any options except go off everything and just cope with it until an appointment? I looked it up and urgent care clinics can't help me with this apparently.",Bipolar +49909,"Struggling I never wanted to be a mother nor had planned on having kids. I raised two of my sister kids when they were teenagers and until they left home. My sister whom is also bipolar got pregnant again and I ended up adopting my son. + +He is now 5 and an amazing kid who has adhd but what kid doesn’t nowadays? He is so happy and a beautiful soul but I’m a terrible mother. I am currently depressed and going through a mixed episode and know for a fact I’m affecting him with my low mood. He asked me today are you mad at me mommy? It broke my heart because I know he knows something is wrong. + +Unfortunately my husband is deployed and he isn’t here to help me. My parents and siblings are no help. I just have to push through this but deep down inside I regret adopting him because he would’ve been better off with someone else. + +I feel like I’m living this big lie and I just want to disappear inside myself and die. I feel like a terrible burden and it kills me that I brought him in my life and my bipolar is effecting him.",Bipolar +49910,"Do meds make all the symptoms go away? What should I expect? Hello! I’m 19y/o F and was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality and Bipolar 1. I am getting started on my medication journey. + +I am curious how taking medication effects bipolar, for people who do take medications that work currently: what does the medication “working” look like? Does it make mania and the depression episodes completely disappear? Or just more manageable? Is feeling neutral/nothing a “good” thing? + +For people who’ve taken medication in the past and are unsure if they feel better or are unmedicated in general: How has medication effected you in the past? And where are you at now? + +Thanks!",Bipolar +49911,Lord forgive me I’m 18 and recently I was diagnosed with herpes and I think last night was the first time in a while I wanted to hurt myself…it took everything in me. The man I love told me he was contemplating being with me because I have it and he wants something long term.. so do I and it’s like I’m already psychotic now I have a virus forever? I don’t want to live like this I already take a fuck ton of medication. It just seems like this isn’t gonna get better it never does.,Bipolar +49912,"Won't be seen for an assessment until sober Had a urgent referral to the MH team uk from GP. Mental health workers (at GP and MH team) said strongly suspected BP2. My referral to the diagnostic team was turned down due to alcoholism presumably as the symptoms could overlap? +Have been put on a waiting list for DBT and need to keep a mood diary for 3 weeks- not sure if this is normal ? I am seeking help to quit drinking, sometimes I feel I have no control over using it to self medicate. Please be kind.",Bipolar +49913,"I feel I am not capable of working full time even with the perfect conditions I like what I do, I used to work in a good environment (before they found out I am bipolar). Also, nothing extra stressful is happening in my life. + +But for some reason (may be because I have to sit in front of monitor this whole time) I feel I am gradually collecting stress and then getting into phases. + +Right now I am on a long sick leave and I feel such an improvement just doing house work. In the last two months I didn’t get a single episode! (They were happening at least once a month with different duration) + +I am 30 and it feels too late to change my speciality. Plus I don’t speak language of the country I am living - that closes a lot of other job opportunities for me. + +I would gladly be just a housewife, but with current inflation it is impossible for a family to live on one salary only, plus I have to support my mother. Also, in my profession nobody wants a part-time worker. + +Any advices or just thoughts?",Bipolar +49914,"Meditation during an episode Are any of y'all avid meditators / insightful individuals? And have any of y'all ever meditated during either a manic, hypomanic, depressed, or mixed episode and came to any realizations or epiphanies about your disorder? I'm curious if anyone has any deep and/or unique ideas, perceptions, or wisdom about bipolar disorder and/or mental illness in general.",Bipolar +49915,"Do you find the ""decreased NEED for sleep"" part of the diagnosis for mania to be correct? I was diagnosed with bipolar by my therapist several months before I had a ""true"" manic episode that got me hospitalized. I didn't believe my diagnosis the first time around because everything I read about mania said that you don't feel need to sleep and that you don't feel tired. All the textbooks and articles say that you can get little sleep but operate on ""full steam."" No matter how extreme my manic episodes were, I was always absolutely exhausted, and I would need to sleep, I just couldn't sleep. Do you find this to be true for yourself at all, or do you resonate with the textbook description?",Bipolar +49916,"Possible psychosis I’m not looking for a diagnosis but more just to see if others have experienced this and to feel less alone. I’ve recently gotten my diagnosis and the psychiatrist believed that the last hypomanic episode seemed like it was bordering mania and I’ve yet to disclose some of the following to her yet out of fear. + +When I was depressed about 19/20 years old I experienced some odd things that I brushed off for years believing I was “just depressed” and it was normal for depression. I felt consumed by this dark cloud entity in which I believed was the soul of Hitler haunting me. I believed he was going to possess me and take over or that he saw the same darkness within me and wanted to rule through me. I also heard my name once when no one was around and dark male voice rambling words I could not decipher. He was speaking but I couldn’t understand words only the noise of the voice. + +Then in 2021/2022 I experienced an episode that now we think was mania and not hypomania. I’d had a spiritual awakening and believed I had ascended to a new dimension, I would preach spirituality whilst simultaneously gatekeeping what I thought was the ultimate knowledge. I would try to link everything philosophically. I’d felt I tapped into the powers of my ancestors and was magical and was better than everyone else. I was seeing shadow people, feeling entities again, experiencing paranormal activity. I believed in so many wild theories about the universe and that I was getting messages through animals, angel numbers etc. of course the mania continued with thousands of dollars spent on rocks, completely changing my house decor, wardrobe etc to match. Using divination, tarot, witchcraft etc. + +The 2021/2022 time confuses me because spirituality became a trend and more widely accepted but my experiences still feel really “off”. Either way in hindsight both times feel incredibly abnormal and now I’m concerned that they aren’t even average depression or mania symptoms. Please has anyone else experienced similar??",Bipolar +49917,"casual insults from normals she isn't even really a normie, but she's close enough. + today after I shared details of my episode the advice given was *balance*. 😱 +no way. +you mean the thing I think about and obsess over allllll the time? the thing I guilt myself over and die over. 🤯 +I feel so invalidated, and I want to push this person as far away as possible.",Bipolar +49918,"Does anyone have an autoimmune illness or fibromyalgia? I have bipolar NOS and ADHD. I'm suffering from extremely bad joint pain as well as other more minor symptoms- blood in my urine, hair loss, canker sores, cold urticaria, raynauds. Doc has diagnosed me with fibromyalgia so far. + +I'm wanting to hear other people's experiences with bipolar and autoimmune/fibro. What were you diagnosed with? What was the diagnostic process like? How are you managing now? Thanks!",Bipolar +49919,,Bipolar +49920,"I broke down during my psych appointment today. So much regret. I had my monthly psych appointment a few hours ago and this came just as my depression got progressively worse the past few days. I had been ruminating about this for a while, because I was freaking myself out reading about meds on the internet, and I asked him what cocktail I was on way back when I started seeing him a year and a half ago after I got discharged from the hospital. He read the list to me and I immediately started crying. It was so much. It all came back to me and I remembered how miserable it made me. 15mg olanzapine, 1200mg lithium, forgot how much effexor, along with anafranil. I was in such a terrible place for a year constantly trying to work around those meds and getting unstable anytime I tried to get off of one. I couldn't feel pleasure, I was tired all the time, lost interest in all my hobbies and in life, felt stupid and dumb and numb, lost my libido, was emotionally flatlined (my fucking grandfather died while I was on these and I felt nothing) and I felt so hopeless. I had to get a job because I took a year away from school and I sucked at it so hard because of my lethargy and my tremors. + +A year and a half later, my cocktail is completely different and manageable: 250mg Lamictal, 50mg Prozac, 2.5mg olanzapine (tapering), and thinking of adding wellbutrin. but I broke down because of the regret and the time wasted and the amount of depression and numbness and pain I had to go through. Weren't the meds supposed to make me feel better? I remember initially the previous doctor from the outpatient suggested maybe lowering the dose or switching to a different AP, but I declined and I regret that so much. I regret that I never got to give Lamictal a shot initially before I was hospitalized because I tried it for a few days and my mom thought I was getting a bad reaction. I regret that I ever took stimulants or smoked or that this pandemic ever happened or that I made the stupid mistake that led to the trauma which all collectively resulted in my episode. + +I want to move forward, but I still feel like I'll never get back who I was all those years ago. My psych said that the brain is constantly changing and growing and healing. But I want my old brain back, I don't care about it growing, I want to feel what I used to feel. I broke down right after the session ended really hard and my dad talked me through it. I feel bad for what I've put my parents through the past two years. I've had to take a second leave of absence from school and I'm not sure if I'm in a position to go back again. Feel like I've ruined my life and I can't move forward, no matter how good the new meds are and how well I do in treatment, my mind will never forget that medication cocktail and those doses and how it wrecked me.",Bipolar +49921,"My appetite is probably more bipolar than I am I just went through a horrible binge eating phase from December till now in which I gained 30lbs. I imagine that's a lot of water weight but it's still a significant amount. I was eating fast food 2 or 3 times a day and a thing of ben and Jerry's almost every night. + + Now I'm falling into a phase where I can barely eat and eating just makes my stomach hurt. Each phase will usually last a couple months and my weight just swings wildly. I feel sick during this phase and during the binge eating phase I just never feel satisfied. + +My mood definitely changes with it. I feel kinda low right now but that might just be because I feel sick. During the binge eating phases I wouldn't say my mood is elevated but I do feel better. + +I've gone to doctors and there's nothing wrong with my gut that they can find. I just hate how I can't live a consistent life style.",Bipolar +49922,"Some Seroquel struggles I’m going through, please help ? Hello guys I’m 26f and lately been put on seroquel 300mg and tedema due to being in a depressive episode (the worst of my entire life) I’m bipolar type 2 but my hypomanic episodes don’t compare to the depressive ones, as they are minor in comparasion. +Being on seroquel for the last few months I feel like I got really ""lazy"" I just move between my bed and coach and rarely leave the house. I really need help in that area. +My libido is non existant, I feel like that area of my life is lost or something, and it bothers me as well. +I sleep a solid 12h a day if not more, it’s also bugging me because I’m never awake before midday and I feel like life is passing me by. +The weight gain is another issue needless to say. +So these are the things that I need help with, I wish I could drop seroquel altogether but my psychiatrist says that it’s currently the best treatment for me. Any input is welcomed, thank you.",Bipolar +49923,"Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. TL;DR: I'm in a much better place and decided to make it a day of celebration instead of a sad anniversary. + +Here's a lengthy post I wrote on my socials in regard to my attempt up to now and other sentiments. + + +Today is the one-year anniversary of my last suicide attempt. + +It was traumatic enough the first time but nothing compared to the second time. I had a quicker and easier recovery after the first attempt, but I was completely broken on this day last year. But I’m happy to report that since that day I am (mostly) whole again. I say mostly because there are still things I’m working on and I still deal with symptoms of PTSD from it and there are things I’m still heartbroken about, but I’m still here and continuing to improve. + +I’ve made a lot of strides and changes since then. One of the biggest and most important changes I made was choosing to leave my psychiatrist and therapist, both of whom I had been seeing for 10 years. It wasn’t an easy decision, and in some ways, it was just as frightening as the state of mind I had been in. Up to that point, they were the only mental health professionals I had ever worked with aside from one counselor I briefly saw at the college I attended. It was hard enough to find doctors I was comfortable with the first time and to find someone else after 10 years felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Obviously, their treatment wasn’t working for me any longer and in fact, was only worsening the condition I was in so the change was imperative. + +It is easily one of the best decisions I have ever made and I would make that decision again a trillion times over. The psychiatrist and therapists I have now are phenomenal, I couldn’t be happier to have them, and I am eternally grateful to have them. All three of them were recommended to me by the wonderful therapist I had during my IOP, who I am also eternally grateful to have had. If you feel your doctors aren’t helping don’t wait to find ones that will. + +When I posted about my hospitalization and IOP last year I mentioned how my fellow patients and group members were just as instrumental in my recovery as my mental health care professionals and my family/friends, and that is still true now. I have been in a DBT group since last June and each group member (past and present) has helped me heal as much as anyone, whether they’re aware of it or not (of course I try to tell them that). By the way, DBT is awesome and there are so many aspects of it that everyone could benefit from, mentally ill or not. + +Over the past year, I’ve strengthened parts of me that needed work. I changed things and reframed ways of thinking that were detrimental. I discovered new parts of myself. I broke down the walls I had built. I strengthened the parts of me that needed work. I’ve established boundaries and have stuck to them. I’ve opened up more. I now allow myself to feel my emotions instead of fighting them or bottling them up. I have stopped putting myself last. Most importantly, I have found myself again. + +Of course, I didn’t do any of this alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have a ton of support. I have great bosses and a work family that supported me from when my struggles started, when I was going through recovery, my time away from work, who welcomed me back with open arms when I returned to work, and who still support me daily. I already mentioned the support from my fellow patients and group members who I will never forget. The health professionals both when I was inpatient and during my IOP. My amazing therapists and psychiatrist. My friends who I’d die for whether I see them frequently or not. I’ve been blessed with wonderful family members, wonderful in-laws, my brothers who I love, amazing parents, and of course an angel of a wife. I owe them everything, and I owe them everything. I also owe myself for allowing them to help me and for working my ass off to heal and improve. + +If you’re still here after the struggles you’ve endured, you owe yourself too. + +Instead of letting this be a sad anniversary I’ve decided to look at it positively and celebrate it. I will celebrate the small wins as much as the big wins. I will celebrate the positive changes and progress I’ve made. Instead of mourning what I left behind and who I was, I will celebrate what I’ve gained and who I’ve become. Instead of mourning the past, I will celebrate the present and the future. Most importantly I will celebrate that I am still here. + +If you’re struggling, don't struggle alone. You are not alone and you will be surprised how many people want to help you. Keep fighting and be proud of yourself for still being here today. I’m happy you’re still here.",Bipolar +49924,"Voluntary or Involuntary Admission? + +I have read quite a few posts that talked about how their doctor told them that they might be admitted as involuntary if they didn't go in voluntarily. But didn't they just change it to Involuntary once you were at the hospital? Whenever I have gone to the ER willingly, the moment the ER doctor interviews me I immediately get formed. Even when I was willing to stay voluntarily, I was always admitted as an involuntary patient. +Has this been the case for anyone else? If not, how did you convince them to admit you voluntarily?",Bipolar +49925,"that moment when it was bipolar the whole time so all my life (I'm 30), sometimes when I haven't eaten and my blood sugar is low, I get really weak and shaky/tremors. eating a snack generally fixes it pretty quickly + +but _sometimes_, it happens even when I've just eaten, when I'm full or otherwise have no appetite, and its hard to make it go away. eating doesn't help, even when I eat the same things that I normally do for it. I've always been confused by this. + +but it turns out, that the psychomotor agitation from hypomania can cause _the exact fucking same symptoms_. hashtag thanks-I-hate-it. I really prefer it when it just makes me fidget a lot or pace, ugh + +which is incredibly confusing, but makes so much more sense in hindsight. aaaaaaaa + +—a very jittery girl",Bipolar +49926,"PhD program and worsening symptoms hi guys. i’ll keep it short. basically, my PhD program made me feel like i’m getting whittled down over the past 8 months and i finally snapped today. like the title says, i’ve become increasingly symptomatic and can hardly leave the house or stop crying. i’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 1, anxiety, and PTSD. i’m wondering if anyone here has also gone to grad school and can give me some tips on how to handle it? + +i love the subject material but i have had net negative experiences both in the school environment and the state i moved to for the program. i’m not sure if it is program specific or if this is just all grad school programs.",Bipolar +49927,"Being self aware and mentally ill is fucking exhausting. Does anyone else struggle with this? It's like you know that your being irrational and there is nothing that you can do about it no matter how hard you try. + +So last night in the middle of my manic episode, I just had this moment apologizing to my partner for keeping him up with my crying. I didn't sleep at all and I just was angry about that. I'm really good at masking most of the time. I have to be, as I work in retail. But then I come home and sometimes I absolutely unravel. + +The part about this is that my logical bits of my brain know better. I know that all the terrible things my brain tells me during my episodes is not true. I know that I can do better. It's as if I'm paralyzed and there's a disconnect between all the parts of my brain. It's fucking horrible and exhausting! + +I am medicated, I am really bad at remembering to take my medications so do you have any tips to help this? I also have a slew of other alphabet soup stuff going on with me. + +I just needed to vent and could use some advice. I'm newly diagnosed with bipolar (within the past 12 months). Any advice is greatly appreciated!",Bipolar +49928,"people who found a life partner - what did you do to not mess it up in the beginning? hey! so i regularly struggle with dating, which often tips me into a manic episode. and when im in a manic episode, i get hypersexual. and when i get hypersexual, all my dates turn into one night stands. in my experience (and its a lot) one night stands never lead to a real relationship. so going into dating this time, i really wanted to break that habit and do nothing sexual on the first date, but i was unsure if i could stick to that because my manic hypersexuality is STRONG. + +i swiped right on the most attractive man ive ever matched with on a dating app, totally out of my league. we talked for a few days, and then met and had an amazing date. we had ice cream, went to a book store, and art museum. im trying to figure out the line between manic and adventurous, but it felt nice and not dangerous. + +anyway, before the date i sent a friendly but firm text that i didnt want to do anything physical, not even kiss. he said he would respect that, and he did. at the end i even tried, i said i wanted to kiss him when we parted. he said he wanted to kiss me too but we should wait for the right time. + +I DONT WANT TO MESS THIS UP !! any tips? when do i tell him im bipolar and how much do i tell him? i want to lock this man DOWN. + +any advice appreciated!",Bipolar +49929,"Isolating and escaping. I'm at the lowest point in my life. I went manic last fall, and I lost everything: my job, my savings, my possessions, and my relationship with my daughter has been sent back immensely. I haven't even been seeing her lately. I haven't been seeing anyone lately. The days are flying by, and Im trapped with the idea that I have no purpose. I can't get over the mistakes I've made and the resentments that I have. I'm paralyzed with fear. My social anxiety prevents me from getting outside help, and this fear of judgment has made finding a job horrible. And not finding a job is still further judgment. + +I had a career, and tonight in a half hour I'm doing an odd job driving a van of workers to a casino 2 hours away. I'm not above doing this work, but I want it to be by my own choice. Not for being the only place that will give me work. + +I've been finding myself blurting out ""I'm gonna kill myself"" involuntarily. I have to catch myself from saying it because it's becoming a habit. + +For what it's worth, there's a song that gave me an image what I live with, with bipolar. Sparks by Beach House. ""And then it's dark again."". Last fall was the spark. Why can't I have a steady light?",Bipolar +49930,"I dont know what to do anymore TW: SH, drug abuse, suicide attempts, prostetution +I just need to vent this, if any of the content is against any rules i will delete it +English isnt my first language so im sorry for bad grammar + +Ive been struggeling all my live and i cant remember being truly happy. At 8 years old I started to SH, at 9 I first wanted to die. At 11 years old I had my first attempt and my live has been spiraling down ever since. I am now a 16 year old alcoholic and drug addict (kind of) who spent their last year in prostitution for alcohol. My Therapist now recommended that I should get tested for bipolar, cause im showing many signs of it. over a year I waited to get into the process of diagnosing and i can finally start the process. But Im scared, i dont wanna get smth diagnosed that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Im just tired of it all. I wanna get diagnosed so I can get better and stop burdening all my friends and my boyfriend with my problems, but at the same time i dont wanna be diagnosed. I cant really explain it. I wanna get better but at the same time I dont wanna? I wanna get better so I can really live my life and not destroy my body and life at any given minute. I wanna get better so my friends can stop worrying about me. I wanna get better so my mom doesnt need to cry herself to sleep every night because of me. I wanna get better for my boyfriend, cause already after only a month of relationship i feel like im just making his mental health worse cause he spends all his energy worrying about me. But I also dont wanna get better. I want that my mom cries herself to sleep so that she feels what she did to me all those years. I want my friends and boyfriend to worry about me (if that makes sense?). But I mostly dont wanna get better cause im scared. Im scared of becoming stable and really feeling how much happiness of my childhood I missed, how much of my live I threw away. Im scared to know how truly being happy feels like. What do i do? How do i get myself to stop being scared? How do I deal with getting better and realising I threw away my life and that Ill have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life? + +I just needed to get this off my chest and I have no one I can safely talk to about this + +any advice would be helpful, I just dont know what to do anymore.",Bipolar +49931,"Does Anyone Ever Question Their Diagnosis When I was diagnosed as bipolar, I had already had my suspicions. I had read a book and articles on bipolar disorder, and I realized it kinda fit my behavior. Then I went to a psychiatrist and they confirmed and diagnosed me. Now I'm prescribed an antipsychotic, but I'm a little nervous to take it because what if I don't have bipolar, and I'm behaving like I am to prove that I am bipolar when in actuality I'm not bipolar? (if that made any sense to anyone). My biggest fear is that I don't have it, and I'm taking this god aweful, scary antipsychotic that has so many possible side effects, and it'll end up hurting me in the end because I don't actually have bipolar. Now in actuality, I know I am. I just find myself questioning it. Does anyone else?",Bipolar +49932,"Maintenance meds refills I am so tired of having to deal with withdrawal symptoms every 6 months because of meds checks. + +I've been on meds for 20+ years. I have been taking my current meds for over 10 and the same dose for 4 years. Yet, every six months I have to play this ridiculous game of cat and mouse to make sure I don't run out. My GP understands this, but his office staff is a revolving door of annoying. + +I can't speak for all meds, but I start experiencing withdrawal from Effoxor in about 6 hours after a missed dose. Lamotragine is not as severe, but I know by 10am if I forgot to take it the night before. + +I am currently stuck in the Dr office/pharmacy circle of hell waiting for meds while I am dizzy, nauseous and brain dead.",Bipolar +49933,"Manic only when on SSRIs I am 37F. I have had two severe psychotic manic episodes in the last two years. Both times, I was on Zoloft. + +For the first one in summer 2021, the pharmacy messed up my Zoloft dose and I was taking 1.5 times as much as I should’ve been. It was a euphoric mania, and it occurred during a period of extreme stress from a divorce as well. I also started taking a 5-htp supplement around the time of my episode. I was hospitalized. I was also on lamotrigine at the time. + +I gained a ton of weight from both the antipsychotics and lithium. I went off antipsychotic first, seroquel, that caused me to gain around a pound every single day. Lithium I stayed on longer but I gained around 5 pounds a month. + +I then fell into a severe depression. Like unbelievably severe. I thought I had had severe depressive episodes before, but I was wrong. I was not functional and planning my suicide. My psychiatrist initially refused to prescribe an SSRI, or put me on vyvanse, what I used to take for adhd and also helped with depression. I eventually talked him into it, I can’t remember exactly how. I was also on lamotragine I think I would’ve died if I had not been out on Zoloft at that time. But it was a lower dose. + +Fast forward, during a time of work stress maybe 6 months later, I slipped into a more agitated mania. I was also on lamotrigine. I was again hospitalized, stopped taking Zoloft and vyvanse, and went on Zyprexa and lithium. + +Weight gain with Zyprexa was still significant but leveled out relatively quickly, and lithium doesn’t seem to be an issue this time. + +After writing a book, I guess my main question is- does anybody here only go manic on SSRIs? In the past the one other time I was on one it caused rapid mood cycling, and so did Zoloft until I was on lamotrigine. I’ve been labeled as bipolar I, which I initially talked him out of and he changed it to not otherwise specified, until I had my second one. I’ve been told the average age for first mania for a woman is 31, and I was 35. But I don’t think it was a coincidence they were both on Zoloft. I am pretty convinced I won’t go manic without Zoloft or another SSRI. But I can’t afford to take the risk. Which means I’m stuck on meds I may not need for basically forever. Has anyone had a similar experience?",Bipolar +49934,,Bipolar +49935,"My mother is a narcissist, Im scared to be one Im scared if its genetic, if Im a bad person. If even asking this question makes me a bad person, like if I search for validation how good of a person Im, how good persons dont ask those questions. + +Everytime I do something good when I tell someone I feel like a bad person because, did I tell it because Im a good Person or did I tell it because I search for validation? + +Im a person whı loves to share. Thats how my character works. Especially to people I like + +I really believe the trauma which my mother caused me lead to my bipolar disorder. + +I don't want to be a bad Person or god forbid hurt anyone (Im an atheist but this fits). How do I know if Im like her? If so how can I be a better Person?",Bipolar +49936,"Bipolar Urge to Self Sabotage I used to get really bored with my life and then make a dramatic change to completely reinvent myself once every couple years. I miss the mania that comes right after the self sabotage, and the sudden energy to become a whole new human. My life feels like it's at a crossroads, and while I think I'm approaching this one correctly (actually considering it, engaging my therapist, discussing with my partner), it's hard not to wonder if this is just a more evolved version of that same old urge to blow it all up and start fresh. + +Anybody else struggle to tell what's ""normal"" life and what's bipolar life?",Bipolar +49937,"Just need to vent Sorry this post is a huge mess. I just need to let everything out and I don't know who to go to right now who would understand my situation. + +So I'm 17 (got diagnosed on my birthday, quick fun fact I guess lol) and moved out of my parent's into an entirely different state back in January. I was doing completely fine, and actually felt on top of the world for awhile. I did some exams that allowed me to graduate early before moving, told myself and everyone I'll get a new job and start college as soon as I can. I haven't been able to get a job here yet, so I have been doing commissions to hold me off for a while. I was doing really good with that, making about $80-200 a week which held me off pretty well (I'm living with my boyfriend who lives with his mom so I don't have to pay rent or anything, just need to buy stuff for myself and my cat) everything was going good. + +I had to stop my meds after I moved because my psychiatrist isn't licensed in this state plus the side effects for the meds I was currently on gave me really bad tardive dyskinesia. My boyfriend's mom has been pressuring me more and more recently to get a job, sending me links for places to apply to more, and I've been applying to them. The other night I had a conversation with my parents (I'm still on good terms with them) and my mom noticed I must be manic because I told her I've been unable to get much sleep at all due to my mind constantly racing. She said she wants me to come visit home asap because she has bipolar too and based on her experience she doesn't want me being unmedicated and manic in an entirely different state especially when the depression comes. + +I told my boyfriend's mom this and she was really disappointed, saying that she doesn't want me to constantly visit back and forth again (before I moved I would visit for a couple weeks very often) and that I'm supposed to have a job by now, and that basically if I'm going to be doing this I should just move back until Im 18. I seriously don't want to move back though. I love my parents and everything and I want to just visit, not move back entirely. I'm happier here with my boyfriend, finally have myself settled and comfortable here, and I'm worried if I move back I'll get addicted to bad habits again because my mental health was a lot worse there. + +My parents and my boyfriend's mom had a whole dispute and I was in the middle of it, and since then I just feel like it triggered something in me and now I feel miserable and sick and scared. I'm sleeping constantly, and when I wake up I have messages from my boyfriend's mom telling me to apply to some place, along with messages from my parents asking when I'll be visiting. I don't want to disappoint or upset either of them with what I do and I don't know what'll be best for me, staying here and getting a job or risking it and going back to get my mental health worked on. I haven't been able to draw much at all since then and I fell behind on my commissions which is making me feel worse and I just don't know what to do right now. I feel stuck and I just want to cry and sleep and ignore all these issues. I haven't felt this shitty in so long, I can't bring myself to do anything and I keep suddenly crying several times a day when I'm awake. + +Sorry if this issue seems trivial or anything. I just have an extreme fear of disappointing people which makes this all so much worse for me. I really want to visit my parents and get on something that'll help me, but I'm worried that if I go my boyfriend's mom won't allow me to come back, and I don't want to upset her with my decision since she keeps telling me to apply to the places she's sending me and I'm telling her I will so she won't get upset. + +I don't know what I want from this post. I just know I needed to let this all out. If anyone reads this all then personal input or advice is welcome. I'm not sure what to do right now, I need to make a decision quick but I can't bring myself to",Bipolar +49938,Extreme irritation? Do you guys ever just get extremely irritated by everyone and everything? It’s been happening for a while but sometimes it just hits me and I want to be mean for no reason due to it. When I was in therapy it’d happen and I’d just be irritated I had to be there and now I’m starting to do it again around my friends. I’ve started isolating until I can deal with it but I just feel like no one else understands. I feel like I can’t control this and I feel so lonely. I’m currently off meds because I can’t afford them or my psych and I just don’t know how to deal with this,Bipolar +49939,"I told my therapist today that I think I'm probably bipolar. I have actually been diagnosed like three times. Oh geez. I don't want to be bipolar, no one does, so you just like deny it. There's literally nothing valuable about this. I'm nearly unintelligible, no one can understand me. And obviously people know. My brain is telling me the solution is to be a standup comic. I'm not actively suicidal but I fantasize about not dealing with it. I was okay for like 8 years. Fuck. When does it stop? I'm going to ask for meds but I really do not want to. I do not want to be this.",Bipolar +49940,Should a bipolar person be with another bipolar person? I often wonder if I would be ultimately happier with a bipolar woman. Who else besides us can even begin to understand our thought processes and patterns. I wish so much that my wife would understand just how lonely I am right now. I know its not her fault. However I am pretty sure if it was the other way around I would be much more interested and comfortable with communicating and comforting her. Im sure its hard for her to not take things personally and being bipolar isn’t an excuse for abuse. I do not and never have abused her ever whether physically or emotionally. I have spent a-lot of time in our room alone lately and figure if Im alone now and married then wtf am I still even married when I could be alone by myself.couple weeks ago I started all of the sudden getting up at 4am and going to the gym and cleaning the house and doing all the dishes over and over again. I would rather be stuck in that mode then this one. Anyways sorry for the rant.,Bipolar +49941,Having to start over Recently I had to switch medication because I developed an allergy to the one I had been taking forever. It took a few months and in that time I had a manic and depressive episode. I ended up losing a good portion of friends and I understand why to an extent. I'm very communicative to people about my disorder and what happens even when I'm medicated. Despite this people were not very understanding with me. And while I understand people don't have to put up with my mental illness I still feel as if I was given no compassion at all. Some people did and im grateful to them but its so hard and it makes me so anxious. A lot of us have to switch medications multiple times in our life and I really wish people would be more understanding to those who are bipolar. I'd get it more if I just stopped the meds and didn't work on being better but this whole time I've been trying. This disorder can be so isolating and unforgiving. And I wish more people took the time to understand it.,Bipolar +49942,"When everything is about my BD1 I have reached a point in a very close friendship that is troubling. I talk with my best friend about frustrating people or situations. I get the sympathetic head tilt, the “three nod,” sometimes even the gentle pat on the arm. This is followed up with, “Do you think you might feel this way because you’re (delusional/ruminating/paranoid/psychotic)?” + +Eventually I’ll have to have a discussion, but it’s really frustrating to see my biggest cheerleader box in my *every not happy thought* as being related to BD1.",Bipolar +49943,"Adhd meds don’t go well with bipolar I had the worst episode I’ve ever had since I was a teenager . I started adhd meds and it causes a full episode where I blacked out and did all kinds of craziness . But the lamictal is helping at +Least",Bipolar +49944,"Occupations list Hello all, + +I am battling akathesia at the moment and it’s taken me out of the workforce since November. So I am now finding myself trying to battle it AND also job hunt again. + +One thing is that I hear people who are happy or unhappy voice their concerns a lot, and I wanna jump on that train. + +Please list what you do for work AND how you got there. If you went to grad school, say that. If you had to get certified, say that. Through a mutual friend? Say that.",Bipolar +49945,"antipsychotics seem like a bit much been depressed for a while, had first ""manic"" episode a few months ago but doesn't seem that intense compared to other people's here. I was on an SNRI at the time that my psychiatrist stopped. + +now I'm in full depression again, but he wants to put me on antipsychotics and I feel like that's a lot/dont wanna do it especially considering the side effects!! + +but SNRI's are off limits because of triggering the mania, SSRIs and Wellbutrin haven't worked, I'm on lamictal and that hasn't worked, kind of running out of options. + +I'd rather go unmedicated than doing the antipsychotics (Abilify in this case). I don't feel like I'm ""psychotic,"" even in my mania it was barely psychotic--feeling like I could feel objects emotions. + +I started crying in the psychiatry office because I feel so bad about myself that nothing works for me and also that I might have to take some drug that leads to decreased brain volume and weight gain, hair loss, dementia, Parkinson's, etc. + +So: at what point do antipsychotics actually become necessary?? + +note: I'm not asking for medical advice, just people's experiences",Bipolar +49946,"How do I stop feeling empty? basically I’ve been feeling empty for a while now, problably 2 to 3 years, which is also the around the time I had my first hypomanic and depressive episode. I feel a lack of feeling, sometimes I feel like I’m completely empty inside. the problem is I don’t feel this way only when I’m depressed, I also feel empty when I’m happy and life is good. I kinda feel like I feel less empty when I’m depressed, because I feel sadness, anger, depression. I can at least cry and feel things, even if its are not particularly pleasures feelings. On the other hand, when I’m stable I don’t feel anything.I have a few theories: 1. When I’m depressed I am in contact with my feelings, I’m completely focused on what’s happening inside of me instead of outside of me 2. When I’m “happy” I’m not in contact if my feelings, I get my happiness from external factor, in contrast of when I’m depressed I get my sadness from internal factors. So maybe when I’m stable I’m not in contact with what’s inside me. +Honestly I’m not sure if I’m even close to the answer, so please give me some advice especially if u been through this. +Thank you for reading.",Bipolar +49947,"Impulse control issues I'm (27F) having serious issues with impulse control. So much so that since I've started my new job, my motto has been ""the less I talk, the better"". So I've been making sure to hold on on words as much as possible. I'm really anxious in general in my social interactions because I seek constant reassurance and approbation, that it's not hard for me not to talk when I'm anxious. + +I've been at my new job for a little more than a year now, and I'm starting to relax around people. I'm more comfortable. And more comfortable means losing my filter slowly. I surprise myself with my reactions that are out of proportion, and it surprises people whom have known me as someone really silent. + +My personality? I talk A LOT. I can be very insensitive and agressive. I WILL do everything I need to be better than whoever is around me. I want to be prettier, the nicest, the funniest, the sweetest, the most intelligent. But that takes constant control. So when I lose it, I go fucking rogue. + +I have a VERY hard time controlling what I say cause my impulse control is absolutely shit. I don't know what to do. Cause that's when people start to lose respect toward me. And that's also when people start to despise me. I want to avoid it as much as possible cause my new job is my dream job and I've been doing amazing until now. + +I don't want to ruin it by literally being myself and blunt. When I'm blunt, the things I say are inexact and stupid. + +What can I do? + +Counting to 3 before speaking is impossible, I can't do it. I forget about it as soon as I enter the world...",Bipolar +49948,"So exhausted The gravity on earth feels stronger. I am so deep into a depressive episode. I spent the entire weekend in my bed getting high and crying. I only ate 2 meals throughout friday night till Monday morning. One was a box of frozen spring rolls that I heated up in the oven. The second meal was Sunday night, I didn’t plan on eating, I had no appetite at all. But my roommate brought me a burrito bowl because she knew I wasn’t leaving my room, oh and she also fed my cat I had been neglecting… I have zero ambition to do anything, no desire to engage in any of my hypomanic hobbies, no care for my health or future. I made it to work today, which I am actually quite surprised about, but my parents were the type to work even when they’re sick so I’ve always been forced to go to work no matter the circumstances. I just started seeing a therapist a couple weeks ago, even though I should’ve started years ago. She’s got a plan to help me and get me diagnosed so I can start proper meds and treatment. But for now, there’s nothing I can do besides hang out with my friends or go for walks, even though I don’t wanna do either right now. I’m writing this on my lunch break as I sit in my car alone trying to drink my fucking tea and find a will to fucking live. What the hell do I do until my doctor gets me proper meds?? I’m tired and don’t wanna live like this anymore…",Bipolar +49949,"I miss who I was before I used to be fun and outgoing and people seemed to like having me around, but ever since my symptoms started, I’ve been so paranoid I can barely speak to anyone. I feel like I’m on a government watchlist or like everyone’s watching me 24/7. I can’t imagine a future for myself even though it seemed so bright before. Idk I’m just so tired of feeling so broken.",Bipolar +49950,"Y'all I cleaned my room today 🙌 I haven't cleaned my room in... Months. And it was causing me so much anxiety but I couldn't make myself do it. Well, today I did it! It feels so good. + +I also cut my dog's nails today and that was another thing I kept not doing that was causing me stress. + +Today was a decent day!",Bipolar +49951,"Qustioning meds. The subject is the good old imposter syndrome. I've been questioning my diagnosis and have been wondering what if someone without bipolar takes mood stabilizers, do they feel better or it doesn't do anything?",Bipolar +49952,"Wanting to be Normal It’s been a weird year. The world became a hotbed of viral death and I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I mean, apparently I just couldn’t let the pandemic upstage me. + +I’ve tried to deny who I am for the past 10 years. If you had to label me, I often am described as an extreme extrovert. All my friends tell me they “don’t know how I do it.” I stay out until 2am, go to bed at 3am, and wake up for work at 6am multiple days in a row without a problem. I do it all seamlessly, making it look effortless. I’ve never missed a day of work because I was tired or hungover, which is why I can’t stop acting the way I do. I don’t know how to say no. The word is literally not in my vocabulary. My lust to wander, be around friends, and experience everything the world has to offer is insatiable, but in an unhealthy way. + +I used to think that everyone else I knew was lame. I would come up with excuses for them; “they didn’t go to a party college, they’re married, they don’t like techno music.” But ultimately, I would get mad that my friends couldn’t handle social interactions the same way I did. Turns out, everyone I know is just normal and I am bipolar. + +Throughout undergrad and graduate school, I normalized my actions as part of the college experience. I still did well in school while partying and sleeping around, so why worry? Promiscuity and drinking is part of college culture, so what if I was a bit extra every now and then? + +Recently though, my disease has gotten the best of me. The thoughts in my head won’t go away. I sit there in turmoil knowing that I am being unreasonable, but I am plagued by insecurity, fear of missing out, irritability, anxiety, and no matter how I try to reason through them, they disrupt my life. + +There is such a stigma on not only bipolar disorder, but mental disorders in general that it has made me afraid to try medication. Why can’t I be the way I used to be without medication? Why can’t I feel like myself without taking an antipsychotic? I know we all need a little extra help sometime, but I am scared. I am scared to admit who I really am.",Bipolar +49953,"Feeling deeply perturbed because I feel that there is a ghost in my house I’m trying to reconcile whether or not what I’m experiencing is psychosis. + +I do not believe in ghosts. But I found a can of reduced sodium soup in my cabinet and there is no way my roommate or I would ever buy that. We both have POTS and are on high sodium diets. I got this deep seated feeling that either someone broke in and put it there or, more likely, there is some sort of supernatural shit going on and I’m being haunted. I know rationally that this isn’t true. But I still feel anxiety in my gut that I’m being haunted and bad shit is going to happen. + +This is a pattern, I tend to get really emotional about some conspiracy or something supernatural. One time I salt lined my friend’s apartment because someone left a creepy doll in the vestibule of her building and then it got moved to the laundry room. + +Is this just me being me or am I experiencing psychosis? Or something else?? 😭",Bipolar +49954,"Decided to paint I have always envied and loved how others could express their feelings through color and time by painting. I am envious 🥰🥰 +This was my night and I really like looking at it ❤️‍🔥 +Feels good to concentrate fully on a project to the end. +#shortgoals",Bipolar +49955,"Increase in nightmares after med changes Hi everyone been having some heavy nightmares since i got an additional med and they are extremely vivid + +if you have any experience with vivid dreams and such please let me know a coping method + +ill be calling my psychiatrist this week as well to let him know but i don’t think it is medication related since i’ve been pretty stable while on it",Bipolar +49956,"overthinking/ ruminating about how should I live life ? basically I can’t stop thinking about mindsets, methods, ways in which I should live by. Thinking and ruminating constantly about how i should be living my life. How I should be thinking. I don’t know what to do. why can’t I just enjoy things. Should I be present? Should I be positive? Should I focus on self love? Should I focus on being self aware? +that’s basically how my mind has been working 24/7",Bipolar +49957,Vent I jus need to get this all out but I’ve been feeling so miserable lately .. was supposed to take my test today for college and things ended up messing up so I wasn’t able to :/ it seems like everything I do ultimately ends up in disappointment and it shows .,Bipolar +49958,,Bipolar +49959,"Increased my Lamictal dosage and now can’t sleep I started taking Lamictal at 25mg, and I didn’t notice any strong side effects. Now, I’m on 50mg and I can’t have proper sleep. + +My sleep consists of me waking up every few hours because my brain won’t shut up. All these voices having conversations in my ears about the most mundane things. It makes me wake up super nauseous as well. + +I also suddenly cannot control my anger. The smallest things make me wanna punch a hole in the wall, but I’m trying to play it cool and control it. + +I can’t tell if this just my brain trying to adjust, or what. If anyone has any advice let me know.",Bipolar +49960,"i'm tired. i need to sleep. i want to sleep. but.. if i sleep, i wake up and it's tomorrow. tomorrow isn't even bad, i'm just lazy and don't want to go to my 3 hour school day! i really, really should just sleep. i can rest my head and in like 5 minutes be knocked out. but then i'll be so tired in the morning. + +i know i really shouldn't but.. what if i just smoked some weed? chugged some energy drinks? triggered a manic episode and stayed up all night and all day. could i time it correctly? no, probably not. i've done this before and it never ends well. maybe the trick is more weed? + +it's either live a stable life, slightly depressed for a bit but getting better, or ruin it all my purposely triggering manic episodes that LITERALLY DAMAGE MY BRAIN. why am i even considering the latter? why do i keep doing this? this isn't even the bipolar this is just me being shit and making bad decisions. + +sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep PLEASE make the right choice holy shit. + +why do i have this urge to self destruct?",Bipolar +49961,"just diagnosed with bipolar After receiving the diagnosis I feel slightly(?) better about my actions during a manic episode last year but I'm still so embarrassed, and the repercussions are really making my current depressive state worse. I decided to move to Miami last minute with barely any money, get a dog, start an electrical engineering degree that I'm terrible at and hate, oh and also to make it worse I married an illegal resident to help fund my life (arguably the worst) amongst other things. My entire personality changed. Now I have a ""husband"" that I have basically told I am not going through with the visa, and have straight up ghosted for months because I can't even afford a divorce or to face him. Blew any money I had on shopping, partying, even drugs which I DONT EVEN LIKE. I have no money now and this degree is taking up all of my time but I have invested too much already to just quit. I love my dog but it was an extremely irresponsible decision. I'm basically stuck living with all of these things now and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel so trapped in my mistakes now that I have a clear head and understand what was happening. I keep telling myself that if i can just finish school and get my finances on track I can fix it but I have several months to go and I don't know how I can live with these mistakes much longer.",Bipolar +49962,"My cats sick and my behaviours are weird So my cat needs to visit the vets, it's all booked in, I'm really upset but he's going to be fine with the correct treatment/ plan. + +My behaviour is really confusing me though. So obviously I'm spiralling a little, feeling super anxious and emotional. I've recently had what my psych calls 'paranoia'. Fears of my house being burnt down, people dying. So I've been making sure the house is safe etc. However I've started obsessing over it more now that I'm stressed. Usually I only take extra precautions if I'm leaving the house, now I'm walking around switching everything off while at home, or immediately after my partner has used something like the microwave. + +Has anyone else experienced anything like this?",Bipolar +49963,crashed at work like a switch flipped in my head. suddenly everything was terrible. i had to leave. i’m sure i’ll hear about it from my boss later. any tips on not completely descending into depression and sinking into a hole of self-pity?,Bipolar +49964,"What is the point I am just so tired of being in pain and being depressed, or being numb and not seeing the point to life. I am pushing myself to get up everyday and I’m so tired. I’ve been on so many medications and none of them have helped me. I really just want to give up and just not exist anymore, I’m so tired of dealing with this pain and getting only a slight moment of relief. +Im considering checking myself into the hospital but I’m convinced it won’t even help at this point. What else could they even try? It will just waste away 10 days and accomplish nothing!",Bipolar +49965,"ADHD + bipolar I have primary inattentive ADHD, it's pretty severe and has been my entire life. Unfortunately, medication makes me switch even while on mood stabilizers. That wasn't always the case, I've been on Ritalin, Adderall, strattera and Vyvanse. Strattera was the absolute worst. I was very motivated, it helped my ADHD symptoms more than anything but within 6 months I ruined my finances long term. + +Currently, I'm on nothing for my ADHD. I started latuda three months ago and my ADHD symptoms are worse than they've ever been. Latuda seems to do pretty good for emotional regulation but my employer is extremely worried about me. I'm not focused, my memory recall is awful and my personality has changed more than it has over the past 8 years of work. In other words, my work is currently very impacted by these new meds. + +I'm wondering if anybody has some tips on what to ask my psych. It's my understanding that antipsychotics and stimulants negate eachother. What the hell is the point of being on either of them if they work against each other? + +It would be super cool if I could stay motivated, happy and focused but also remain level headed and sane. Ideas??",Bipolar +49966,"How spring affects you? How do you react when spring is coming? how spring affects you? Are you getting hypomanic or depressed? Or it doesn’t affect you. +I’m excited because if spring, but I’m affraid that I’m hypomanic from this excitation",Bipolar +49967,"Advice - Long Term Relationships I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years, and for about 5 of those years we were aware I am bipolar. I am noticing it is really starting to take a toll on him…. The highs and lows, the impulsivity, the lack of coping skills I have….. I don’t know what to do anymore because the feelings of guilt are consuming me and I’m becoming impulsive and just empty…. + +How can a long term relationship truly survive? + +*I am medicated btw",Bipolar +49968,How do you manage dizziness? I’m on lamotrigone for ten years. I been feeling off balance. I been to the hospital and had every brain test done but it’s all fine. I don’t understand where it’s coming from.,Bipolar +49969,"Spiritual or mental illness Do you guys think the condition we live in its the punishment we get from our deeds because the person we became after the mental illness feels like been in a prison or some kind of torture i used to be so good managing all the things (studies,work, relationships, caring myself and others) and now can't even manage myself staying all day doing nothing. job, reputation, loved ones, are all gone . I tried so many times to make myself better but end up the same depressed person",Bipolar +49970,"Advice on getting work accommodations? I am currently trying to get permission to work from home full time. It’s been denied before, but I was just told to add a lot of details… anyone have experience with this? What did you include? + +If you got any other accommodations, please feel free to share! I am hanging by a thread when I have mixed episodes and can only function from home. + +Edit to add I had to take a 3 month leave of absence so I feel like I can use that to emphasize my need more. I’m also diagnosed with social anxiety and being around these loud strangers doesn’t help.",Bipolar +49971,"NP wants to Experiment with New Drugs Been lurking for a while but thought I’d ask y’all for some advice. I am Bipolar 1 and have been stable since 2016(Some lows but no manic outbreaks). + +My psychiatrist put me on 1600mg Lithium and 6mg risperdone coming out of hospital in 2016. Now I am at 1200mg Lithium and 1mg Risperdone. + +My new NP who oversees my meds and mood seems like a knowledgeable guy and ran it by me to see if we could try new meds. He wants to make sure the side effects of my current meds aren’t affecting me too badly. + +I am concerned because these are the only meds I have been on since being hospitalized. Lithium and risperdone are my so called “cocktail” that work with me. + +What do you guys think? Have any of you been on the right blend of meds but your medical professional wanted to try different? + +Thanks for any advice",Bipolar +49972,"Staying positive? Hi everyone! + +So this week I'm going to be starting my period, I struggle with BP2 along with really bad mood swings and emotional dysregulation about a week before my period starts. I'm talking I go from perfectly fine to wanting to hurt myself and ruin my relationships. + +I have no idea how it's going to go, but things are going really well with someone I'm interested in. But with my period starting soon I can already see and have already started freaking out because he was acting distant, he later told me he was spending time with a friend. That calmed me down because it explained the ""distance"", but I tend to over react while suffering with the mood swings, etc;. I don't want it to ruin how well things are going, but I can feel the paranoia setting in again. + +Do you guys have any advice on how to battle paranoia and overthinking? I do positive affirmations when I wake up and go to bed, they help but I'm looking for some more ways to prevent overthinking and paranoia surrounding my relationships.",Bipolar +49973,Issues with oral health after medication Has anybody had any problems with oral health from your meds? I developed a chronic mouth pain and no tests can solve what’s the reason for that. A dentist suggested it may be linked to meds.,Bipolar +49974,"What's the worst thing you've done while manic/hypomanic? I quit my job and moved to a new state hundreds of miles away from all my friends and family, with no job lined up and no money saved up 😬",Bipolar +49975,"There are more to the ups and downs that bipolar disorder brings There are emotions that come along with this diagnosis that get swept under the rug of summarization. It’s more than just being happy one day and sad the next. There’s the frustration of not being able to get out of bed because you’re frozen by deep, dark depression. + +The sadness is so consuming, you don’t think you’ll make it one more day. There is the anguish of not being able to be reliable every single time you’re needed. +Some days I can’t count on myself, let alone be there for another person asking me for help. I wish with all of my might that I could be someone’s rock, even though I can’t be one for myself. + +The lack of hope that one day it will get better and I will be strong enough to conquer this. The feelings of anger and irritation pulsing through my body for no apparent reason. My aggression toward everyone, even though I know they have done nothing wrong. The grief I feel when the thoughts come rushing in, telling me I am a burden to others and everyone who once loved me. + +The heartache from the thought that I am pushing everyone away and will soon be alone. The fear of facing this alone. +The exhaustion of putting up a front to mask my many emotions and terrifying thoughts, just to seem OK and “normal.” +It’s more than just being happy one day and sad the next. There are highs of being productive with little amounts of sleep that can go on for days, even weeks. + +The manic state of rash decisions and risky behavior, such as impromptu tattoos or even solo backpacking trips through Europe. The euphoric feeling of being on top of the world. The racing thoughts and distractions that cannot be controlled. +The blissful feeling of being out of my depressive state. + +The confidence that the darkness will never come back, but the acknowledgement that it will. +The hope that people will begin to understand the many sides of bipolar that aren’t mentioned.",Bipolar +49976,I just need to vent. The past few weeks have been the worst I've ever felt. I'm a teacher and haven't been able to go to work for over two weeks now because the job is just too stressful and I can't deal. I've been seeking treatment for depression for years now with my bipolar ii diagnoses happening last September. No treatments have worked for me. All of them have made me feel even worse than before with short periods of respite in between. It's exhausting. I'm going on medical leave which means I won't be able to afford my own place anymore and have to move back in with my parents who thankfully have been very supportive but it still just sucks so much. I'm 33 and it feels like my life is going backward after working so hard to get just this far. One of my best friends who used to be extremely supportive of me just doesn't seem to care that much anymore about me and I've been dealing with that for months now. It's heartbreaking. I have other friends I can rely on but she was very special to me. I'm still learning how to move on from it but I just can't. I'm sick of waking up every morning feeling like shit. I want so badly for something to make me feel happy but nothing works. I wish giving up was an option.,Bipolar +49977,Bipolar-in person? How are you guys meeting people that are bipolar in real life? Seems like everyone around me has very little to no understanding of bipolar and has never met anyone with bipolar. This shit is isolating enough and to feel like I'm the only one in a 100 mile radius that has it is driving me crazy. Feel like it would help to have bipolar friends but have no idea how to even start working toward that lmao,Bipolar +49978,,Bipolar +49979,"Feeling lonely Hi! + +So you know I (F22) have the best psychiatrist I could wish for and the best treatment. +I finally am able to be happy, because my disorder was type 2 focusing on depression, I was struggling with depression from 5 to 21 years old, thought there was no way out. + +Today I'm kind of happy. I am in a healthy and loving relationship, that was unthinkable three years ago bc I was such a mess. + +But there's some days like this one, I feel soooo sad and lonely again... And not because of an episode, but because of my life. I had such a difficult life surrounded by illegal substances and violence, and those memories sometimes just hit me. I just feel all the pain people went through, feeling sad and powerless against this sh**** world where help is so difficult to find for people with heavy issues. + +My struggles today are the same as every basicaly NT person, but I have to live with those memories of people, friends, suffering when we were so young... And I still sometimes meet the same kind of people, 14 year old girls drunk and high in the afternoon with 45 year old homeless addicts. + +I'm here in life, in the middle. +Juste between healthy and dying people. +I'm doing better now, they aren't. + +I just feel lonely right now with those thoughts.",Bipolar +49980,"what if i was misdiagnosed like do i actually have this thing wrong w me? maybe i just like doing crazy shit every now & then. i regret it all after but maybe i’m just spontaneous ??? i just don’t get what the problem is; i was depressed, then i got on lexapro, then i did a ton of crazy shit & ruined a bunch of friendships & school stuff. but maybe that’s just because i finally wasn’t depressed & so i had the ability to get up & do things ??? what if the way i was acting after getting on lexapro is just me & now im being silenced ? i almost wish i had never gotten on anything at all. i was depressed but at least my life was in order unlike now",Bipolar +49981,"I think it's universal For anyone wondering if doubting your symptoms and diagnosis is normal, here's a journal entry from a few years ago post mania. + +&#x200B; + +I wonder if I know how it feels to leave this world.  + +Have I ever been sad. + +Have I ever felt anything.  + +Or have I given names to the blank spaces.  + +And am I drowning in an ocean or a teaspoon. ",Bipolar +49982,"You own it Possible controversial post here but I speak from my own experience. I've finally come out of the depths of the darkest, longest depression I've experienced. It took perseverance, self advocacy, accountability, and surrendering when it was too difficult to cope. Oh, and tons of therapy. + +From all of this I've learned that I own my own happiness. No one else is responsible for it because they've got their own to worry about. It's my body and I also own the right to know what works best for it. Meds, eating the foods that make me feel my best, moving my body, journaling my thoughts. All these steps pay off. + +It. Just. Takes. Time. I'm the world's most impatient person and the universe is always teaching my ways I need to slow down and smell the roses. Enjoy the simple things and little moments. All these things add up. + +You all can do this for yourselves and more. Keep up the good fight!",Bipolar +49983,"After years of resistance, I’m finally considering going on Disability……. So, I started my mental health journey at the age of 20. I was initially diagnosed Bipolar 2, and tried a number of medications that either didn’t work, or made me worse. + +The bad experience with medication caused me to “take a break” from medication, off and on. + +Around the age of 25 I was hospitalized for a manic episode. A year later, when I was 26, I was hospitalized again for another manic episode. + +Finally, around the age of 27, I started seeing a new psychiatrist, and she put me on Abilify, and to my surprise, I finally felt stable, happy, and “normal”. + +Over the years, I have had to adjust my Abilify every now and again, but can usually get stable fairly quickly. + +Until now. + +I began having hypomanic symptoms about a week ago, so we raised my Abilify to 30MGS and added 5MGS of Zyprexa. + +Maybe I’m being impatient, it’s only been two days, but I’m still having hypomanic symptoms. And on top of that, I’m having balance and coordination issues. + +My fear is that the Abilify is no longer working, and I am accepting the possibility that I may have to start from square one. + +Which means medication trial and error, and with my past bad experiences with medication, I may be completely dysfunctional for God knows how long. + +Which leads me to considering possibly going on Disability. I know it’s not easy to get, and could take up to a year to receive benefits, which is a concern. + +I also feel going on Disability may lower my self esteem. To be clear, I don’t judge others that are on it who really need it. It’s just a personal issue I have, I really want to work and function in the real world. + +And I know you also have to jump through a bunch of hoops to get Disability, and even when I’m “stable” I tend to give up easily. + +So yeah. I guess I’m posting because I’m really on the fence about this. I’m scared, worried and feel shame. + +Thanks to whoever reads this or replies.",Bipolar +49984,"Can antipsychotics make you stupid? Don't know how else to put this. I feel like my cognition and intelligence aren't what they used to be. It takes me 3x as long to do what I used to be able to do. My thinking is slow and repetitive and I'm tired all the time. + +I tried looking this up online but couldn't find any conclusive answers. Decided to hop on here and ask you guys myself. Do you feel like you just became ""dumber"" after starting antipsychotics?",Bipolar +49985,"Want to go off meds without getting divorced I want to go off of my meds. I’ve been on them for years but they are not helping enough anymore. I’ve gone off lithium before and that went fine. I tried going off Invega but I couldn’t keep my shit together. If I get the chance again, I’ll probably just lie to get off finally. I like lamictal but it has a lot of sideffects so I’d like to get off of that too. I love my sleep med roserum. I got off of and had really bad withdrawal from lorazepam but it helps my major panic issues. So I’d keep that but use it sparingly. + +My husband said he’d seriously consider divorcing me if I go off of my meds. I’m kind of devastated. We were together before I got diagnosed and medicated. We never had a bad relationship while I was off meds. I did some stupid shit occasionally but we got though it more easily than a lot of the shit I’ve done medicated. + +He drank like a fucking fish, got increasingly violent and acted like I shot him when I said I’d divorce him if he didn’t stop. He was sober 1 month. 1. And while infinitely better, still has episodes of drinking way too much. And I’m supposed to take it with a fucking smile. + +But how fucking dare I say I want to get off the stuff that give me side effects I don’t want to live with anymore. I’m even open to other medication, just not what I’m on currently, except maybe lamictal. + +I feel like a god damned zombie. I don’t want to die I just don’t want to live like this anymore.",Bipolar +49986,"Changing diagnosis? No longer bipolar? Hi, + +I was first diagnosed with bipolar type 2 in 2019. I quickly got stable with medication until I was pregnant in 2021 and my meds were changed. It set me spiralling and I saw a new psychiatrist who again diagnosed bipolar type 2. + +I came off my meds for 6 months last year and stayed pretty stable other than depression. Then around Christmas time hit a manic period and saw a new psychiatrist. This time they said they weren't sure bipolar was the right diagnosis but put me on lamotrigine anyway. + +I've been really good on lamotrigine for a couple months but my husband spoke to my psych nurse today about maybe having some counselling and she said I don't have a diagnosis of bipolar anymore and they're treating my autism and depression. + +I don't know why I feel so panicked and upset by it. I think it's come out of the blue. The fact nobody has told me and they've now told my husband without even speaking to me about it. It feels like they've been sort of talking behind my back and think I'm lying or something? + +I don't understand how to different psychs said I'm bipolar and this new one has seen me once and changed my diagnosis.",Bipolar +49987,"Coming off seroquel suddenly I had to go to the ER and admit myself for a couple of days because I was becoming very depressed and my mood seings were getting out of hand. I was having horrible night terrors and even sleep paralysis. I was on seroquel, the doctor took me off of it completely and put me on a different mood stabillizer and and ssri. + +I am so restless. I cannot sleep without this drug even though ive only been on it for a couple of months. Im confused as to why i wasnt tapered off of it and im just having a hard time dealing. + +I mostly wanted to vent to possibly someone who understands but advice would be greatly appreciated as well.",Bipolar +49988,"I’m regretting so much coming off my meds I’m back on meds just under a week now and feel so so bad, the meds are leaving me heavy, still lingering psychosis more so at night but not as bad and now I feel extremely depressed. I wish I never went off my meds I feel horrible and see no end in sight of this ever stopping, I feel completely alone and back to square one. I’ve put strain on relationships and just not functioning back on meds as I was off them. This illness is a death sentence and I’m hanging on for dear life.",Bipolar +49989,"Lamictal brain Edit: my doctor already agreed that I can try a lower dose of lamictal, but he generally lets me decide what I want to do when it comes to meds since nobody else could figure me out. Please stop deleting this. + +So basically med-induced stupidity is ruining my life. Being smart is my thing, it’s the only thing I have going for me pretty much. I’ve been labeled a “genius”with a 140+ iq for my entire life and now I can’t do basic math. I’m freaking out, it’s so bad I might actually flunk out of school at this rate. + +I’ve been on lamictal for years and always knew it made my memory and cognition worse, but it never was that big of a problem because I wasn’t doing anything that hard. + +All of that changed this year when I went back to studying computer science in college, something that I was always good at. But now I can’t do anything, and I mean that. I can’t remember anything for more than ten seconds, it takes me 10x how much time it should for me to learn anything and my brain just doesn’t work. I’m a month behind in both of my stem classes. Even when I was in a mixed psychotic episode I was 10x smarter than this, hell even when I was hospitalized I was smarter than this! So I know for sure that it is the meds causing this, not the disorder itself. + +I’m scared of stopping it completely but I want to at least try cutting the dose. My psychiatrist agreed that it could potentially help, but he also pretty much said he doesn’t know much about it. I used take 400 and going down to 200 helped a little, so I’m planning on going down to 100. Has anybody successfully regained some of their brain power by lowering their dose?",Bipolar +49990,(vent) i cant do this much longer That’s just it. No one cares about the fact there is something wrong with me. They just see it as me being moody and an annoyance who destroys everything. I can’t go on any medication because of it - i’ve tried everything else yet nothing helps. I can’t sleep and these stupid episodes are fucking exhausting. I don’t know what to do and I highly doubt there even is anything to actually do.,Bipolar +49991,"Help- Has anyone gone back to fully normal? As in before your first manic episode. I feel like my meds are a crutch, but I still don’t feel like myself. I am just looking for hope that my brain can heal.",Bipolar +49992,,Bipolar +49993,"Impulsive tattoos that I do myself- day: 1 I was bored, in crisis and with a tattoo machine. I'm going to make a kind of blog for every time I have a crisis and get a tattoo",Bipolar +49994,"Bipolar and video games Had an interesting moment of introspection playing Skyrim today. + +The theme in a lot of my favorite games is that I can just...be. No Man's Sky is probably the best example of this. I'm not out to destroy the evil empire, or make some trade fortune. Can if I want, but most of the time I'm just a dude with a space suit and a beat-up old ship, exploring and getting by. + +In real life, the most self-destructive nonsense I've gotten into has been out of a sense of grandiosity. Currently paying off $10k worth of debt from trying to be a self-employed trader. There was that time when trying to be ""off-the-grid"" left me drug addicted and homeless. + +Maybe just being kind and at peace is enough of a challenge, and enough of a reward.",Bipolar +49995,"Feeling numb and ready to leap into a state of non-existence. Ready to fly, my body and mind feel numb as I mask myself to the world. I know leaping, in reality, won’t achieve anything, so I refrain. However, most days, it feels as if the only thing that binds me to this world are my beloved animals. They’re my reason for my continued existence. So I drown myself in my work, to provide them with the best. I may think little of myself, but I think the world of them, and the few I still care for.",Bipolar +49996,"I decided i'll tell my doctor Im suicidal, really depressed, i think going off lithium was a bad idea, im not doing good. + +I will schedule an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, i might get hospitalised, i dont care i need help.",Bipolar +49997,Making fun of bipolar mood disorder I am a diagnosed bipolar it's been 2 years since i've been medically diagnosed after being hospitalised in a psych ward due to it. Knowing this my sister and mother decided it would be fun to crack a joke on how they're bipolar because of how moody they are and how they can go from happy to angry very fast. I was so pissed but everytime i try to speak up i get shut down by either or both of them because apparently i'm not bipolar enough as if something like that could exist.,Bipolar +49998,"Going on a long vacation, 21 days, with a big time change. Time change and taking meds question. So I have all my meds filled and enough for the trip + afterwards. I typically take my meds at 8pm every night and right before bed. I’m very good at taking my meds on time I really don’t miss them, so I just want to be safe when it comes to being in a different time zone. + +Do I take them at the same in the other country, or do I take them at the same time I would while there? + +And any tips from you guys about traveling. I’m a bit nervous to step out of my really good routine and sleep schedule and be traveling to multiple countries. My therapist/prescribing nurse have confidence in me and support this trip too.",Bipolar +49999,Does anyone feel kinda confused or feel like they can’t trust their own brain all the time? I feel like the world is more complex than simple and everything just seems so confusing and all over the place. I’m still trying to get stable with right medicines. It really feels it’s me vs me all the time. I’m trying to learn but when I go through the different cycles it feels like I’m forgetting and relearning emotionally. Has anyone felt like this? Thanks!,Bipolar +50000,"Just been diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and Abilify has been a real pain… I’ve just been diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and it was kinda like everything was closing in on me but it also made so much sense. My next appointment for my psychiatrist isn’t for another 3 weeks (she’s also very booked out) but I will be talking to her about what I’m saying here :) + +My psych started me on 10mg of Abilify. I started taking it and felt so jittery and just down right awful. I couldn’t stand up in the shower, I couldn’t do my makeup or get dressed. I also didn’t feel like it would be safe for me to drive. It was hell. + +I took 10mg for 5 days. I went to the chemist that we see very regularly to pick up our prescriptions and she said I am experiencing akathisia. Her advice was to write it down and see if it gets any worse, and if it did, to email my psychiatrist or get into contact with her some way. + +I kind of took it my own way and just started taking half of the pills, and guess what? Akathisia is only half as bad now. +I’ve been taking the half tablets for maybe 5 days? So 9 days on Abilify so far. It’s still horrible but I’d never want to feel that way again. It was so bad. + +I know Abilify is not the right medication for me. The benefits for me are : less racing thoughts, more stable mood. + +The disadvantages of Abilify for me are: not helping sleep at all (this has been a huge issue for years), feeling kinda “weird” and not myself around my friends etc. losing interest in a lot of creative things I used to love. And of course, the akathisia. + +I am scared of a few “bipolar meds” because I’m scared of gaining weight now that I am at a healthy weight. Just thought I’d add that in there. + +This is kind of a vent, and I know finding the perfect or best combination of medication isn’t easy and takes time but I’d love to hear everyone’s experiences with different medications :)",Bipolar +50001,"Coping It's 3AM and there is a 0% chance of me falling asleep any time soon, I'm having a really bad time inside my head right now. What specific things do you do to just get through these nights?",Bipolar +50002,"Fate Life and its pathology, + +Arduous, it seized the muscles, + +The Hanged Man of the pack, + +Blood splashed when darted to the plan, + +Fate hinders on stars and caliber of what pulls. + +Testaments being circumstances and ignorance, + +To stir the the current of the steam, + +I not ask for maladaptive arrangements, + +Came like a blitzkrieg with no trench to brace, + +I recognize a before and after onset of attack, + +Very young, + +18 and first manic, + +Not taught how to handle such things, + +Never expect a hospital stay, + +Not on the list or plan, + +But here it is, + +A plan.",Bipolar +50003,"Unmedicated going on a year now, recently married and losing my fucking mind. +EDIT: Thanks again for all of the advice. I know that my husband just doesn’t understand and needs to educate himself more on this illness. A little backstory on me- I grew up with a bipolar-schizoaffective mother who really was out of control. No stability. Ever. She ended up killing herself when I was 16. I was first medicated and diagnosed at 13 and always felt my mother almost pushed me into a diagnosis. I was medicated until she died. Then not again until 2019 at 25 years old in the midst of a terribly toxic relationship. This man lied to me about everything, forced me to go get medicated only to use it against me and gaslight me into thinking I was crazy. I found a good med combo and met my husband in 2020. I was still emotionally shattered from previous relationship. But my husband stuck by me. When I say he pushed me- I don’t mean he made me or asked me. He did make comments and suggestions. I think he is just afraid the meds are going to damage me more in other ways, idk. Since being off meds I’ve held down a great job, but I’ve never had an issue working anyways. I think because I’m not like my mother was, to the same extent, I think I can do it without the meds. But lately I feel like I can’t. My work is suffering now bc I can’t focus. My relationship is suffering because I can’t open up and be vulnerable anymore. Just feels like a spiral and I don’t like that. I’ve always prided myself for my resilience but it’s come with a lot of suffering, self hatred and pain. So yeah. + +Thank you all again. + +————- +When my husband and I first got together I was medicated and mostly stable. He is very natural and pushed me to try life without meds, so I did. And for the most part- I’m doing okay but I struggle occasionally. Especially lately due to family issues and work. I am the agitated type when manic and everything annoys me. I’m also very sensitive so any criticism really pushes me. Anyways- I have a had a few drinks and when I drink all my stifled emotions bubble to the surface. And my husband is a very logical, type a person. He doesn’t get it and I don’t know that he really wants to. I have really suppressed a huge part of who I am in order to stay “normal” but I feel like I can’t do it much longer. How can I let my guard down with my husband and let him know who I really am deep down? I know he loves me but we are two totally different ppl who have lived very different lives. I feel like a big part of me is missing since I’ve been holding all of my darkness in… I’m ok with my darkness and I need to feel those things but it’s been so long that I forgot how to deal with it. I kind of have been considering getting back on meds, but I’m afraid to tell him. Please give me any advice you may have. Thank you.",Bipolar +50004,"Got diagnosed and am now spiraling So I found out I was bipolar by looking it up because it popped in my head one day and ADHD didn't explain everything. So I did that, realized it matched perfectly, talked to my psych, and it turned out he already thought I had a mood disorder but didn't know which one. I had never brought up the manic feelings I got where I'd just be really confident and happy for no reason, kind of like not giving a shit about what anyone thought and then having a million ideas, thinking how I'm gonna improve my life, also wasting a ton of money on games because in those moments my mind just goes do it who cares. I never told him about these feelings because I thought it was normal. I've always thought how I felt emotions was completely normal because I thought everyone had no control over them and because it was normal for me I had never known any difference. I know for a fact that I'm bipolar and I'm diagnosed but it still feels like pepple think I'm lying for no reason or like no one believes me. I'm not lying about how I feel and my symptoms but it feels like everyone thinks I am because what they say is how did no one find out about it until now. I never talked about it because I thought it was normal. I only started talking about it when I said I feel like only sometimes I'm lucid and other times I have no control over how I feel. Like it feels like I only swim to the surface once in a while and then I'm dragged back under into depression and mania, rapidly cycling between the two. It feels like after my diagnosis I started cycling more and more rapidly? Like I've kind of lost any semblance of control I had left I guess. Like I feel manic when I'm depressed or vice versa. It's scary because it feels like I'm having more frequent mood swings, like 3-4 times daily. I don't know if they're actually more frequent or I'm just realizing that I'm having mood swings because I never recognized them before. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I guess it's a cry for help? Idk I know that I'm manic right now and I'll probably think what the fuck later but it feels like what I should do right now. I'm so scared, I feel so out of control. I had to take a leave of absence from college. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm just at the whims of my emotions and I hate it. I'm so scared. Does anyone have any advice or support? It feels like my life is slowly spiraling out of control and I just don't know what to do anymore.",Bipolar +50005,"Disability through the VA. Hey guys, I live in Tennessee and I’m a veteran. I was wondering if anyone else here is a veteran and has applied for disability through the VA. I know it’s for service related injuries, but I do believe being in the military while I was bi polar negatively affected my mental health and when I got out is when I started having issues.",Bipolar +50006,"Friend took her life and I’m broken She was such a beautiful person. I can’t imagine the world without her incredible spark of life. Confusion, anger, deep sadness, a cold and aching regret…I feel everything right now. + +She had well-managed rapid-cycling bipolar and was helping me come to terms with my bipolar 1 + psychotic features diagnosis. The pain she must have been experiencing…I just can’t imagine. I am so upset about her and now so scared for what’s in my own future, which feels selfish. + +How can I move on? Why did this happen? Why? Why can’t I go back in time and reach out to her before it’s too late? My soul feels empty.",Bipolar +50007,"Is it normal that it makes you angry to be called bipolar? okay. for as long as i can remember everyone calls me bipolar. These memories of how I screwed everyone over when I had a psychotic break. My mom thought that I was simply seeking attention and that made me believe that I was. + +At the age of 15 they detected it but when they told me I felt that my life was falling. It really depressed me to find out that I did have bipolarity. I recently found out that my father also has bipolarity and coincidentally shares many of the same characteristics as mine. + + Is it normal for me to get angry when everyone calls me bipolar?",Bipolar +50008,"Signs of stability Guys, I think I'm stabilizing. I sat down and painted for 3 hours yesterday and wasn't too restless to sit still. I am turning the music down to a reasonable volume instead of blasting it. I'm cleaning. I am having thoughts of budgets and time management. I feel like a different person with both feet on planet earth. What are signs you are starting to do well? Wishing you all stability and happiness.",Bipolar +50009,"Stopped Prozac. Feel terrible. I (22F) went off Prozac a few weeks ago. I’m not sure why. I think the meds made me feel almost numb. When I stopped them, I felt great, no withdrawal symptoms. Felt like I was on top of the world, super productive, staying up late, manic-like symptoms. However the past week I have felt so down. I am crying without reason, I feel so low, so irritable. I just want to be in bed all day. I’m so tired. I work full time, I love my job so that keeps my mind busy, but even at work it’s hard to fake being cheerful. Any advice on how to stop feeling like this? + +(Note: I was only on Prozac, no mood stabilisers. I’ve read for bipolar that’s not the best idea.. Has anyone else been on Prozac only?)",Bipolar +50010,"I hate this disease I’m so tired of being bipolar and having to live with it forever sounds like hell. I’m gaining weight because of my medication, I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my body and this has just made it worse. I don’t feel hopeful about life, I’m unemployed and broke, I have lost all sense of self confidence. I just want to scream. I feel so alone, no one understands. I hate my life. This is a nightmare.",Bipolar +50011,"What is “normal”? I’m very new to all of this. I was diagnosed with bipolar II about 6 months ago after I checked myself into an inpatient facility. I’m a 28 year old female and I’m coming to terms with my diagnosis, but I haven’t seen anyone or taken any medication since I left the facility. Does anyone else struggle to tell the difference between what’s “normal” behavior and what’s manic behavior? For example, I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man, and out of the blue last week I just decide I don’t want to be with him anymore and lose all feelings for him. And all of these reasons to leave that I keep telling myself sound completely valid, but how can I go from loving him and wanting to marry him to just complete indifference? When I get like this I turn cold towards him and want nothing to do with him. I feel annoyed when he tries to talk to me. Is that normal? Just to add, I’ve done this like 10 times over the course of our 2 year relationship and feel so guilty later on. I just don’t want to rashly and regret anything later. Does anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +50012,"I’m just so scared and don’t know what to do I’m not sure how many people will read this, but I really need some help or kind words. I’m in a depressive state and haven’t had a manic episode in over two years now. (Some hypomania but nothing too concerning). + +I’ve been having a hard time with work recently. After finding this community I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one with trouble holding down a job. + +I have a relatively high paying job for my area that allows me to live at least paycheck to paycheck with one pay period worth in my savings. I guess I don’t really know where to start, but I just can’t work my job anymore. I have this horrible depression and the job itself is very difficult. I have FMLA for my mental health and can take up to 2 days off per week and also have time off for appointments. I’m finding myself needing more and more time off, unpaid, and I don’t know what to do. + +I applied for a much lower paying job, but I feel like it will be much better for my mental health. + +I’m just so upset and defeated, I don’t know if I’ll start this new job in a good mental state, if I even get it. + +I’ve considered short term disability because I just feel like I can’t stand a single more day working my current job. I just want to cry the whole time. I feel like such a failure. + +I’m looking into doing a year longDBT program. It was recommended by both my therapist and psychiatrist. + +I’m just having such a hard time making decisions. I know I need to leave this job. I feel like my body and mind is screaming out for help. It’s causing me physical symptoms like nausea and vomiting, migraines, panic attacks. + +Please if you have any advice at all, I will appreciate it.",Bipolar +50013,"Never Going Home So I have this thing, I don’t go home all day. Once I wake up and get ready for the day I leave and go to my moms. If she has something to do I’ll go visit my aunt. If she has something to do I’ll go visit a friend, so on and so forth. It is an avoidant tactic so I don’t have to take care of things (cleaning, responding to mail, etc.) I also know I do this because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, or make a poor decision, like spending money or killing myself. + +As I’m typing this it seems like a healthy coping mechanism, but it drives me absolutely mad that I can’t just take care of my shit. + +Does anyone else do this? If so, does it bother you/how do you deal with it?",Bipolar +50014,,Bipolar +50015,"Manic rage I haven’t seen a lot of people on here talk about the rage that can come with mania. It’s genuinely terrifying to feel it and I assume for others to witness it. It’s gotten better with age for me, but I still have glimpses of that little pure rage goblin in my brain. What are your experiences, if you have them? I just like knowing i’m not alone with my symptoms.",Bipolar +50016,"A Note From My Mother After 3 years of choosing to not speak to my parents and going through a traumatic manic episode, I’m healing that relationship again. + +I was on FaceTime with them a couple days ago and they showed me a note my mother wrote in my baby book. For context my mother was undiagnosed bipolar at the time. + +The line that truly hit me during this writing was: + +“Life is not always kind and is always mysterious” + +Prophetic considering it’s something I feel like we can all relate to. I needed it at that point in time. Maybe my sharing will be something you need to hear as well <3",Bipolar +50017,"graduate from college I finally got my bachelor degree today. Im currently hypomanic right now and my mind is super annoying like i want to have sex with every girl that i know, and some anxiety but mostly im happy at the moment. After going through a lot of shit i finally got it. Yay.",Bipolar +50018,"I don’t know what to do…needing to vent 43 F, was diagnosed with BP II at 34 years old. My parents definitely both have some type of undiagnosed mood disorders but Bipolar runs rampant on my father’s side. + +Currently taking 375mg Lamictal (extra 100 added because I use the Nuvaring), 900mg lithium, and 300mg of gabapentin. I had a pretty bad alcohol issue prior to January. I realized I went into mixed episodes when I mixed lithium and wine. So I switched to Whiteclaw and had no issues and now I just have not been drinking much. Like an idiot I was feeling relaxed the other night and thought it would be nice to have some wine to further calm down. Just had a glass. Last night, I drank the rest, and started getting super hopeless. + +My issues with bipolar lead to my husband telling me he wanted a divorce 2 months ago. I was struggling a lot in the second half of 2022. I was weaned off Lexapro after taking it for 8 years. Historically, i do not do well in periods of adjusting meds. I was getting better by early January as I stopped drinking wine. But then the divorce happened (not officially but no chance of reconciliation). + +My kids (13 and 15) knew he wanted a divorce before I did. They thought it was a good idea because of all of the fighting. My 13 year old still spends time with me but my 15 year old doesn’t even like being around me. I love spending time with them, and it’s the only thing that makes me remotely happy at the moment but they are just not that into it, which makes me less happy. + +I literally am so miserable. The only thing that I like doing is going to concerts. So I bought four concert tickets for shows over the next two months. I just don’t know how I can sustain being so depressed. I am a mid-level practitioner in a profession I can’t get out of because of a bias/ stigma against. I hate my job and it’s actually physically injuring me. I’m in $400K+ student loan debt ($120K being the actual loan, the rest as interest). I wasn’t aware that I had bipolar when I started professional college. My career requires an entrepreneurial mindset and this motivation fluctuates. I’ve tried applying for jobs outside of my profession but I know I’m qualified for and I am always rejected or looked over. + +I have no family or friends closer than 1000 miles that actually care about me. Just online friends. I live in a very expensive city near where my husband is from and cannot leave. + +I just feel like I exist to bring in a paycheck and give my kids rides or help them as needed. + +If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. Would love any thoughts or advice.",Bipolar +50019,"Can’t concentrate I have so much work and homework to do and I’m really struggling because everything just feels kind of fuzzy and confused. Probably because of the meds. + +I have a random ADHD medication left over from when I used to get those and I am trying to talk myself out of thinking I should maybe take that. Or some herbal pill that’s similar. + +Maybe I should have some tea or something. I hate that I have so much trouble functioning now. But I just need encouragement or support to not take something that might put me on a path to mania. I know I shouldn’t, but…",Bipolar +50020,"Silly impulse purchases We've all made questionable impulse purchases when manic or hypomanic. Some of these can be very negative and detrimental. But many of these can just be silly and just ""Why?"" + +So my question to you all is what is the silliest purchases you've made when manic or hypomanic? + +For example: I bought a pretty black sparkly violin on Amazon (It was on sale!). I don't play violin. I've never played violin. + +Or one time I went to Petco to look at fish. I left with a parakeet, bird cage, and all the fixins... We had three cats, all of them mousers. They would have murked that bird. It was returned the same day. + +So, do you have any silly innocent purchases that make you go ""But, why?"" that you would like to share?",Bipolar +50021,"Not sure if it’s me or my condition? Or am I inseparable from it? When I am feeling down I am really not sure if it’s me, or my bipolar? Like how much control do I actually have over my emotional state I can’t really tell. It makes me feel confused cause when I ask friends and family for help they say things like “just pull ourself out of it... just make an effort to be happy” but like I am so down in the dumps that I can’t even get out of bed to pee sometimes. But am I just not trying hard enough? I am so lost. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough but I am taking my meds and trying my best not to make stupid decisions and that’s about all I can really do right now.. I feel so pathetic. I haven’t been going for walks because I’m too anxious to go outside, and I stopped listening to music because I can’t stand the sounds. And I even quit drinking 3 months ago but it’s not helping me feel less depressed. I’m just lost and sad and I feel so stuck like I will never be happy.",Bipolar +50022,,Bipolar +50023,"On suicide The past few months I've been struggling with persistent suicide ideation and even attempted during a major depressive episode. But instead of saying ""it's just a symptom of your disease"" I would like to walk you through my thought process. + +1. The argument from circumstance. +Right now I am unemployed, with no realistic chance of getting a job. My resume is spotty, and the market I operated in pretty much collapsed. My memory, focus and cognitive skills are pretty much gone after having two psychoses in a year. A low skilled job almost always requires a drivers license, which I'm not capable of (I tried). Furthermore, I have a criminal record from the things I did during my psychosis, excluding me from most jobs in my field anyways. I'm lonely and have no support system (no friends or family that can offer any stability). Meaning that within a year or so I'll be forced to sell my house and eventually live on the streets. Homelessness is not a reason for suicide of course, nor is unemployment, but it's also something I'd rather not do. Yet it is almost unavoidable. + +2. The argument from harm. +My actions, whether in psychosis, depression, mania, anger, or just because who I am, have caused irreparable emotional and material damage. My continued existence is a danger to society, and will always incur tremendous cost (through health care, living on the streets, and I've had multiple encounters with the police during both manic and depressive episodes). While one could argue that all life is ultimately detrimental, in my case it's fairly obvious: I cause harm without being able to effectively control it, and I do not wish to cause any more harm. The self image of a calm collected person is a fever dream, in reality I'm just a unstable criminally psychotic mental health patient. + +3. The argument from hopelessness. +You might argue ""well maybe you'll find a job, some friends, maybe even love, and what you did in the past might not happen again"". Living on the streets is an adventure! Unfortunately, it might also not be the case. I've always had a pessimistic and depressed outlook, and whether that is caused by brain abnormalities or not almost seems irrelevant: life has always been a struggle, and I do not want to continue this struggle. It's hopeless, really, I just kinda fumbled my way into an impossible situation. + +4. The argument from despair. +Although perhaps a majority of people disagrees with the following: I believe society is on the brink of collapse, and within our projected lifetimes things will likely only get worse. Without going into the precise reasons for believing this, I feel like it's almost uncontroversial to say ""things are bad, and they'll get worse"". For the longest time I held a certain morbid curiosity for this ""lets see how this plays out"", but after my depressive psychosis (which was a traumatizing hell) I quite simply no longer have the desire to see it. + +5. The argument from meaning. +Commonly the argument against suicide goes ""what about the people you leave behind"". The two people I still have in my life pretty much said ""we get it, just make sure your affairs are in order"". So that's not a real argument for me personally. But in the abstract you might say ""you owe it to the world to do your best"" to which my mind always replies ""no"". I have nothing to contribute anyways, but if life is simply reduced to doing the meaningless bidding of others in order to perpetuate some bizarre notion of ""you must work to live, even if life is miserable"" then I simply refuse to play that game. But even if it is not miserable, which it will be (because my brain is broken), is life then simply some egocentric hedonism ""find pleasure in something"". I mean that's also a little bit of a hollow existence. Someone once said to me ""life just *is*"", there is no purpose or meaning to it, which is fair. But then not living really seems like a choice, and I can choose to stop it. + +6. The argument from personality. +Nobody likes a pseudo-intellectual climate activist with anti-capitalist tendencies that has a mental health disorder and will probably live on the streets. Especially not one that studied AI and philosophy. Especially not ... you can fill in all the stereotypes, feel free to pick the ones you hate the most. Now you might say ""just shut up then and be normal"", I quite literally can't. You can't just say ""change your personality"". I have seen so many death threats on social media, it's worrying in its own right. + +So that's it, that's the thought process. I'm just too tired, I have lived an acceptable life. I've known riches and wealth, love, and the depths of thought. But it's done. Life will always end, there is even some beauty in the idea that I get to pick when.",Bipolar +50024,"Diagnosed a week ago I got diagnosed a week ago, as Bipolar Type 2. I've talked with my psychiatrist and my therapist a ton about the diagnosis, and it's definitely really interesting to see the way so many Bipolar symptoms align with my behaviors so well, and really explain my struggles. + +I don't know about everyone here, but I feel like my diagnosis has just felt so confusing. I feel happy that I finally have a diagnosis that feels accurate (I've been trying to figure out a diagnosis for about a year). I'm taking medication that I'm excited about, I feel really happy that my psychiatrist and therapist both think this diagnosis is 100% accurate. + +I just also feel so lost - like a part of me has been identified that has been ignored for so long. It's really strange to feel like no one has ever really questioned my behavior. I feel a little odd even just identifying with the Bipolar label, I feel like maybe I've made up my symptoms in my head. + +I guess just looking to see how other people felt after their diagnoses, and whether or not this kind of odd confused feeling goes away.",Bipolar +50025,"starting abilify, plus some venting I've been on wellbutrin for around 5 years, lamictal for three, and now am adding abilify. Wellbutrin stopped by zoloft-induced dissociative fugues, and Lamictal changed my life, tbh. I started taking it at around the same time as the first COVID lock downs, and the medication plus the chance to recognize (and indulge) my agoraphobia was huge. I used to have panic attacks and dissociative episodes every single time I tried going to grocery stores, restaurants, malls, or anywhere else crowded and overstimulating, and that's much less of an issue now. + +Three years later everything is still better, but I have a really hard time with task initiation/completion and do still have hypomanic episodes, scary intrusive thoughts, and constant suicidal ideation (that sometimes gets a little too active for comfort). I kinda thought I was doing fine, since it really is noticeably better than before, but during a recent appointment with my psychiatrist I was mentioning this and he asked if it was affecting my ability to work. I said no, but then almost immediately remembered how frequently I spend an entire day staring at my screen unable to think clearly enough to write, only to have anxiety attacks at the end of the day because I feel ‐ correctly - like I got nothing done and am bad at my job. (Logically, I know that I'm actually really good at my job, but ykwim). Then I end up working late and it compounds with everything else and I end up exhausted and can barely help with housework and things, and that then makes me feel like a terrible partner. (On the flipside, I think about how much better I feel now, and wonder how tf my partner stayed with me through all that - it'll be 8 years in a few months.) + +At this point, I'm already on 400mg of lamictal and 300mg of wellbutrin, so rather than increase the dose past the point of clinical evidence, my psychiatrist suggested trying abilify. It feels kind of rough to add another pill to the handful, since I'm also on other meds for other health issues, but I just really hope it works. I care a lot about my job and what I do and I really want to be able to be more helpful around the house, so I'm trying to be optimistic. Have any of y'all tried that mix? What was your experience? (thank you for reading through all this)",Bipolar +50026,"Where do you start after leveling out from a manic episode? Do you start with apologizing to others? +Do you start with getting a new job? +Do you start with taking it one day at a time? +Do you start with reflecting back? +Do you start with ignoring what happened and focusing on the future? +Do you start with medication? + +Appreciate your support!",Bipolar +50027,"What musician validates the darkness of what you go through? For me, the musician is Mac Miller He goes in depth on his struggles with addiction. His struggles with depression. His struggles with existentialism and su$c$de ideation. His struggles with feeling isolated from those around him. + +His music is *dark*, and I don't know if there is even another artist who's music is darker. And to me this is comforting (It can get really dark in my mind) + +It feels so validating knowing that someone else went through this, and that I am not alone in this chaos",Bipolar +50028,"A Quick Thank You Hey guys! I just wanted to stop by this forum (subreddit I guess) to say that the people on here were amazing in a really dark time of need for me. + +I hope you all are feeling content, loved and stable. + +An amazing song for me right now is Way Less Sad - AJR. The lyrics are very poignant.",Bipolar +50029,"Was my father gaslighting me? I lost my mother almost three years ago, and it is still weighing on my mind. i am having a really hard time with it. My mom was a drug addict my whole life and a type one bipolar and it finally took its toll. i was having a conversation with my dad just now about it because i needed support, and basically at the end of the conversation he told me to stop playing the victim, and then he went on a rant about "" instead of ""No one is supporting me, crying mommy issues, remember that you have a father that has always been there."" i feel so much worse after the conversation, like i dont have any right to mourn my own mother who left when i was five",Bipolar +50030,"TW depersonalization? Feeling like the world isn’t real I’m not sure what this is, and my searches for depersonalization and derealization don’t explain what I’m feeling. + +It’s as if the world isn’t real, like it’s a big simulation. I notice behavioral patterns in people around me that are predictable and consistent and then they do things that are out of pattern and can’t explain to me why they do it. I feel like it’s a glitch. I explain myself to people, how I feel about things, and they seem to understand and then completely disregard or even forget the conversation and go back on what they agreed to with no cares. I’ve realized they’re just moving in their own worlds and can’t really be interacted with in any significant way, like talking to an NPC in a video game. You get the same three responses. + +It feels like I am not real. None of this is. It’s just like a game or an experiment to interact with others at this point. Like I’m the only real human and this is world is all in my head. + +I feel numb and detached from others, like I’m watching them on a tv show. Characters. I had a conversation last night and someone was emotional about telling me how much they care about me as a friend and I was just.. observing and thinking it’s interesting, like reading a book or seeing a dramatic movie and I was playing along. I feel we are all just playing roles. And when I step outside of the roles, it upsets others, even when it means I’m just asking to have my needs met. Normally kind people will do the most apathetic things and then be confused if you ask them why they did that. Like they genuinely don’t know. + +TLDR I feel like none of this is real. Myself or others and we are all in a big simulation. I don’t feel like a real person.",Bipolar +50031,more impulsive stuff Have you guys figured out a reliable way to deal with impulse buying? I forgot to take my meds for a week straight and impulsively bought a 1984 trans am... this is very not okay and I keep forgetting to take my meds even though I've been on them for over a year,Bipolar +50032,"do y’all know how to cope with making a horrible, life-altering, career-ruining, bridge-burning decision that disappoints everyone you know? i absolutely ruined my career on impulse after staying up all night drinking alone. i literally cannot believe i did this. i just got a decent job that pays amazing, and it’s gone. i cannot believe i disappointed my family like this. unbelievable. + +i spent the night drinking heavily, chatting with random men (nsfw stuff) online to make me hate myself even more than i already do (i’m a lesbian, wtf???), crying hysterically for no reason, slept for one whole hour, woke up still drunk and then ended my career a few hours later when i got sober because i was 1000% convinced i was going to be fired for no reason. literally what the fuck. + +this was yesterday. i’m absolutely not coping, it hasn’t even really hit me and i’m really scared for when it does. the only reason i haven’t hurt myself as punishment is i don’t feel like i deserve even that relief. + +i’m still adjusting my meds (low doses of five meds, the plan is to consolidate and up the doses after). been struggling still with self destructive behaviors but this is so much worse than anything else i’ve ever done. + +i don’t even know if this is related to my bipolar disorder really, i’m sorry if this doesn’t fit here. this was the first place i thought to post.",Bipolar +50033,"Housekeeping Therapy One of the first indicators that I'm about to have an episode (manic or depressive) is I stop cleaning. It's been that way since I was a kid.My parents were afraid I'd be a hoarder. When I moved back home, I hired a cleaning lady for my parents house because I didn't want to argue with them about my bedroom after coming home from work. It was AMAZING. When I moved out I didn't have the budget for her to come to my apartment. The first year couple of years I did great, but then I started grad school during the pandemic. I got overwhelmed quickly. I had enough in my budget to hire her and it's kept me healthy! She comes every 2 weeks. That motivates me to do laundry and throw away trash so it's not in her way. I wish more people could afford this as a mental health service.",Bipolar +50034,"I just keep throwing away my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. 25 year old female, diagnosed at 18 and have been taking lithium on and off. + +Well... I went off my medications again for a few months. I went off when I was done with school receiving a certificate for my future career. Well, I felt fine, as I am not working currently so don't really have any stressors. Before I went fully off my medications I was not taking them consistently and I quit one of my jobs of 4 years, started a new one (during the time I bought a house and was moving) and quit that one after a few months. The anxiety was the thing that was my problem, I was having massive panic attacks, and just had this intense self hatred for myself which then diminished my self-confidence entirely. Especially after just throwing away my life. + +Well just recently, I got a job in the career I was going to school for for so many years... and after day 1 I quit because I had a major meltdown. Could not keep food and water down, was cold sweats and shaking anxiety, it took me back to last year when I also had a similar meltdown. But this time it was so intense and different. I hate myself for quitting a professional job the next freaking day. How embarrassing, I literally threw away everything and I feel I will never be able to go back again. I now am deeply depressed and anxious. Cannot eat, keep waking up in a panic. I wish I never went off my meds, maybe I would have never quit the job and stuck it out. I don't know what my problem is. I just started my meds again, I am only on lithium ER. I am currently seeing a psych doc and I have kept her out of the dark about going off my meds and how I have been taking them so inconsistently. I also want to go on the anxiety med she recommended buspar, but I refused to try it because I thought I could beat it myself.. bipolar symptoms I have more control over. I am not sure if this is a part of bipolar or just separate generalized anxiety. + +Now everyone in my life thinks I am lazy and just don't want to work. But I do, I just keep fucking up because I won't take my meds. My boyfriend is currently paying all the bills, we just bought a house, so we are living pay check to pay check and I am afraid he will end up leaving me because of this. + +I feel as if its the end of the world.",Bipolar +50035,"Thoughts on napping? I love taking naps, but I have mixed results. Sometimes I feel better, but others I feel depressed and anxious. Would eliminating naps be a wise choice to help prevent episodes? Would like to hear y’all’s opinions and experiences with naps.",Bipolar +50036,"Recently diagnosed but hesitant to get medicated Pretty self explanatory. I was recently diagnosed by a therapist with Bipolar 1. I’ve been able to use the counseling center at my university after coming back from a year long leave of absence from my masters program (likely due to a manic episode that I hadn’t recognized as a manic episode at the time). I had initially come in with the goal to reduce my chances of burn out when I was diagnosed. She recommended I see a psychiatrist to get medicated. I’ve always been highly wary of being on medication for anything, especially long term. Long story short I left with a script for Depakote (500mg) to take once at night. I work overnights, I intern during the day and I have classes throughout the week. I fear that getting on this med will affect my productivity (can cause sleepiness/dizziness). I guess I’m still working through accepting my diagnosis. How do I go about asking for a different med that will better work for my ever-switching sleeping schedule? I haven’t even wanted to take the Depakote. Sometimes I wonder if the diagnosis is wrong and I fear messing my brain chemistry up more.",Bipolar +50037,"Stopped lamictal and noticed how it was affecting me I've been off of lamictal for a week now after developing mild rash symptoms. + +Interestingly, and unbeknownst to me, I noticed it had been changing my behavior. + +Since being off, I'm less irritable, more social, and more creative/funny. + +The downside is that my sleep schedule is now shit and that my swings are back to what they used to be (which isn't all that bad since my depressive swings have always been mild/moderate - it's the hypomania thats the slightly problematic one but I'm aware of when it's setting in). + +Don't really know how to proceed really because the trade offs don't really seem worth it for me. I Uber so I can drive when I want and the hypomanic impulsivity isn't really something I think I can't handle. + +Should I just go back to raw-dogging life? I just wish I had normal brain chemistry. Sleep hygiene is the biggest detriment but I feel like I'm giving up too much of myself for it.",Bipolar +50038,"Non-Medication Mental Wellness Tips? I’m medicated and doing well but still get tired out and wish I had more energy and felt awake when I want to. Usually during the workweek I’m distracted enough that I don’t feel tired. On the weekends I’m consistently tired enough that I need a nap unless I’m super distracted by a task or social engagement. + +What more can I do? I go to bed at 9 or 10 pm and wake up at 6:30. I never feel rested and basically have to army-crawl out of bed. I follow every sleep hygiene tip out there (no caffeine after 2 pm, block out all light and sound) other than watching TV before bed (no phone/screen time IN bed though). + +I get a ton of exercise, at least 1 hour per day of walking my dog and walking to/from work. I also work a very physical job but it’s not my body that’s tired out, it’s sleepiness. + +I eat clean and quit eating refined sugars about 6 weeks ago. My “junkiest” food that I eat is probably sugar-free rice putting. No fried shit, no chips, no fast food, none of that. + +I also have ADHD but am not medicated for it (nothing has worked) and I’m on Seroquel but feel as tired as I did on 200 mg as I do on 100 mg. I’m sober and my only vice is vaping at the lowest concentration of nicotine. + +What else can I do? I’m well enough to actually develop new routines and standards and stick to them.",Bipolar +50039,"I felt better for the 10 years I didn't take meds. Now I'm just getting depressive episodes on meds Yes, I'm in a down right now. I can't focus, my motivation is terrible at home and at work, my energy is low, my memory is bad, I've been irritable to those that love me. Work is piling up and the house is starting to get messy. This is stressing me out. It's Sunday and I haven't got anything done yet. + +I always think about the time between my big first episode and my 2nd one, when I was able to function perfectly fine without meds. I was happier. I didn't fall into deep depressions every few months. I didn't have mania or psychosis. Bipolar didn't really exist then. + +Is this just the price to pay for medication that will prevent a major psychosis or mania? If it is, I don't think I can keep it up.",Bipolar +50040,"Meds rant Now, don't get me wrong, I love my meds. They keep me stable and have kept me mostly stable (adjustments needed to be made) for about five years now. But sometimes it's so overwhelming having to take them. Like last night, I was just thinking about how many meds have I taken in my (short) lifetime and how I'll have to do this for the rest of my life. And looking at my boyfriend, who barely needs a headache tablet once every six months, I can't help but feel annoyed that I have to deal with this + +I'm also moving countries at the end of the year, and the idea of having to find a new gp/psychiatrist who can prescribe me meds, and having to ensure I take enough meds so I have the chance to find one is also a lot to deal with, and also costly. + +I love my meds, and I have my stability, my quality of life and my achievements to thank them for, but man, the fact I have to take them annoys me sometimes.",Bipolar +50041,"Feel strange I'm not sure how I'm feeling to be honest. +I feel odd, weird, strange. As well as restless and on edge, my hands are shaking and I feel like I'm waiting for something. +I went out for a walk and was feeling nervous, everything looked the same as always but felt kind of fake, as if it were a simulation or something. I kept looking at the license plates of cars passing by, and they all called to me in some way or another. I can't explain it but they all seemed to have special numbers related between them. I started writing them down and when I got home I analized them and I have the feeling they're all connected, and they've all got something about them individually. +It's so weird but I can't shake this feeling. + +What is going on? I don't particularly feel any mood disturbances, just a little up and down, but nothing abnormal I don't think. + +I just feel unsteady.",Bipolar +50042,"Tired of being tired I've been in a depressive episode for as long as I can remember. Been prescribed SSRIs, which only made me feel like a zombie. I recently switched docs, and this one prescribed generic Latuda, which I've been on for a little over a week now. Everything just feels so hopeless, and I'm scared that I'll never feel happy again. All I do is work (I hate my job) and sleep. I used to enjoy reading and playing video games, but nothing sounds fun anymore. I'm in a constant state of exhaustion, even after sleeping for 11-12 hours at a time. My apartment looks like a bomb went off in it, but I just don't have the energy to care or do anything about it. I barely have enough motivation to get up in the morning. I just want to feel normal again, but it feels unattainable. Just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading this.",Bipolar +50043,"What are your warning signs of oncoming mania? I very recently got engaged and I think I'm getting manic. Atm I'm having barely any appetite, intense anxiety, and insomnia. What are you guys' warning signs? How do I deal with this?",Bipolar +50044,"Defeat I am exhausted. I have spent years trying to present as this “normal” that people so strive for. I have a tendency to experiencing rapid cycling moods and sometimes not. Sometimes I get to experience long intervals of depression. Sometimes I go on a 3 week manic bender. Through all of these ups and downs, I have to consistently work to survive. Yet, when I need a leave of absence, I get told my job cannot be guaranteed. The funny part is this industry has horrible job retention. Well, it’s because they pay shit and treat you like shit and make you do the job of 3-4 departments but do not increase your pay and all the roles get looped into a miscellaneous tasks section in the job description. What hurts most is the way colleagues talk about people with mental health disorders like they’re an annoying object. “This bipolar mom…” “this un medicated dad..” “if they would just take their meds”. I have been in a manic episode where I had to go home because the impulses were going to overcome my civility. Why is there no room for me? I chose this field to help. Yet no one here wants to help. We are supposed to be professionals not letting out bias skew our service. Yet I see the attacks and I feel them for these clients too. That’s me. I am on that side. No one knows… I mask so hard and I am done. I’m burnt. I’m tired. I am losing my shit. I am in a bad low and I cannot keep up the charade. Being myself shouldn’t be this hard. Society needs to change. Okay, I’m done ranting.",Bipolar +50045,Horribly stuck About six years ago I moved back home to take care of my mom with dementia. I was the best chose because I was on disability and had been stable on medication and off probation for a couple of years. The first couple of years weren't so bad she still talked and could walk on her own. I was there to make sure she had lunch took her pills and didn't wander off. Now she's bedridden dosent talk and it's and a struggle to eat. I take two mood stablers and two atypical antipsychotics plus a benzo. I still stuck in painful mixed state. I've have two short hospital stays in the last 9 months. I don't know what to do I promised my stepdad I would see it though with mom but every day just seams to adds more agitation. I feel like someone is pouring molten lead down my throat. I hate breaking my word. My step dad has a little more than a year before he can retire. My meds keep me out of full Mania but the mix state aggravated by stress is really starting to get to me but I can't let my family down.,Bipolar +50046,,Bipolar +50047,"Just found out my son was molested as a child He's 21, he's been struggling with angry issues and bipolar for many years. Refuses therapy tried some that didn't work so now refuses all. These is so much on could go into - but right now I just need to know what to say to him. He went manic today and there was a huge fight, then he told me, I started sobbing, told him I'm so sorry I didn't know - it was the son of a ex friend (for other reasons) who had been a sister to me my while life, an aunt to him, her son was about a year older. I'm guessing this was grade school, I don't know any details after that he went to his room. I've tried to tell him in here and checking on him but I don't know what to say. Saw him after and asked him what I could do and he said leave him alone. He's had a friend over today thankfully they are watching sports, grilling, whatever, in the basement. What do I do when his friend leaves? How do I talk to him what do I say? He is going to refuse help. He said that we are the worst parents we never taught him anything and don't listen to him and we hate him and lie to him. I know that he gets manic and the anger takes over, he had said in the past he wishes he was dead. But not recently enough to have him committed for help. He'd never forgive me for that anyway. My husband and older son are away this weekend. So it's just the 2 of us. I can't stop crying, I'm devastated and I feel like I did this to him because I dropped him off over there or she would pick the kids up from school and I'd pick him up later. I failed my son, I don't know how to help him, how is this our life - what do I do now + +Edit to add I am bipolar as well and i am medicated and have therapy twice a month. But he still thinks I don't know anything about it.",Bipolar +50048,"To anyone who journals or tracks their mood, how do you log mania/delusional ideation? This is always something I've been stumped about whenever I do mood tracking. How do you log your tracker if you're manic or experiencing/feeling some delusional ideation? How are you sure if your mood tracking is accurate during these states? I've seen many mood trackers esp in the bipolar community... I don't know how to accurately track your feelings when you're in these moments. I still have difficulty differentiating/seeing my elevated moods or disordered thinking.",Bipolar +50049,"Has anyone had CBT? If so, how did you find it? Do you find it effective when not in mania or depression, and do you find it effective when either of these states are in effect? I would be interested to know especially if you find it useful during the peaks when it feels that the effects of bipolar have taken over.",Bipolar +50050,"Are most people with bipolar high energy? I’m diagnosed bipolar I. +I feel like it seems most people with this disorder are high energy and hyperactive at baseline but I’ve never been that way. I’ve always been low energy until recently when my symptoms really started to show. Is that low energy going to go away? Just wondering if anyone is the same way.",Bipolar +50051,,Bipolar +50052,"Why do people with bipolar have higher than average suicide rates? +What causes this exactly? What causes the brain to respond to situations in this manner? Or is it just from the long-term brain trauma? + +Have they ever done any studies on this particular topic? I’ve never come across it when doing my research",Bipolar +50053,"Recently Diagnosed Hey, everyone. I recently received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder (way back in September). Even with this, I was in denial, but now I'm accepting that I need to take the lamotrigine perscribed to me. It's all new and scary. I still don't know which one I have, so I will ask in my follow-up. But I'm ready to tackle this issue I've been dealing with for years. Sometimes I still doubt myself and think that it's normal depression. Is this common to feel that way? I'm in my head a lot, get distracted easy when I know I have a job to get done, and cry easily when upset or get triggered fairly quickly even when I promise myself to hold it together. I'm also wondering how the pills will make me feel. If anyone can give me insight on how their treatment has been working for them, that would help me not feel so lonely. Thanks in advance. 🙂",Bipolar +50054,"Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you really are? Am I the depressed girl who never wants to get out of bed and doesn’t want to be around. Am I the girl who dreams of freedom and new life? Who feels hopeless and life will end up going nowhere. I’ll always be a statistic. + +Am I the girl who loves everything and can feel music. The girl who wants to write books and get a career. The girl who obsesses. + +I don’t feel like I have an identity. All I am is an illness.",Bipolar +50055,"Grounding myself The forest is peaceful, being able to hear the leaves blowing in the wind. The creek dribbling down gives me reminder of how the world continues to flow. A reminder of how the world keeps going, an example of how I need to keep continue moving forward. The world is beautiful, giving me the strength to be inspired to keep flowing as the river and growth of the world. Giving myself the opportunity to watch the banana trees grow and allow myself to grow with them. The path is wet but continuing my journey because not everything is perfect. To allow myself to accept the imperfect things around me. My shoes are wet from the path but I continue anyways. Absorbing the beauty of my journey with and pushing through anyways. It will be worth it when I reach my destination. Understanding not everything cannot be perfect at all times and accepting things will be ok. Refocusing my mind on the beauty instead of complaining of the walk, or my soggy shoes. Focusing on the beauty of the walk of life and connecting to the earth of my ancestors. Being able to focus on the positivity and not the negativity. Remembering not all walks of life will seem to be perfect. But focusing on the things that will bring me up. Looking at the trees and being thankful I have had the opportunity to enjoy my surroundings. Remembering to be thankful for what I have been able to experience instead of focusing on the little things that would make me uncomfortable. Thank you for letting me change my outlook. Thank you for allowing me to enjoy the peace. Thank you to my ancestors for bringing me back to peace. Thank you for allowing me to understand this is not the end.",Bipolar +50056,Can you hallucinate taste? Ever since I drank a whole bottle of cheap disgusting vodka during my overdose I’ve been getting the horrible taste in my mouth quite often. Is it a hallucination or a physical problem caused by drinking so much? I haven’t touched alcohol since the overdose which was late January. The taste makes me feel sick it tastes exactly like it did when I was forcing the disgusting vodka down my throat. Thanks.,Bipolar +50057,"How long is this gonna take?! I have bipolar one and my mom had it too, along with heavy drug use. She left when I was five. We had an on and off relationship (I tried) until I was 22. She died almost three years ago (April 1st will be three years) and it still hits me heavy. My question is, is three years still a “recent loss”? According to my psych it is apparently. What do u guys think?",Bipolar +50058,"Fell of meds for a year Was on my cocktail for about a year and a half and slowly tapered myself off with no good reason the last year. I didn’t tell my doctor and have just been picking up my scripts anyways. I decided to get back on tonight. I halved my pills and I’m ready for the fix it’ll set me back on next month. + +I already feel the yucky in my belly + +25(f) just needed to share my secret",Bipolar +50059,"Running out of treatment options, I have no hope anymore. I’ve tried everything to make life manageable. I’ve been through 3 doctors, been emitted, TMS and ketamine therapy, everything. This has being going on for the past 5 years, and to no avail have things gotten better. I’m currently on Zoloft, lithium and lamictal, but I don’t know how much they are helping if I feel like shit all the time. Ketamine felt great in the moment, but nothing long term. All 3 psychiatrists have run out of options for me, and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that things will never get better.",Bipolar +50060,"How do you deal with irritation from certain sounds (Misophonia)? How do you deal with irritation to certain sounds? Is it part of bipolar? I get easily irritated from chewing, repetitive deep sounds, ringing sounds, and a list of other sounds. I do not know how to ask people to stop making such sounds. Any insight would be appreciated!",Bipolar +50061,"SCARED TO BE A PARENT This is me venting? Help any advice helps! + + + +I’ve been diagnosed with BD type 1 for two years and when I got diagnosed it made so many things from my childhood make sense. +I was always so “emotional and dramatic” and known as being a “cry baby” basically my entire life. To be completely honest I truly think I’ve always been bipolar (genetically not necessarily an environmental effect-although my environment didn’t help but cause more spark to the fire) +Anyway, I’m 27 now and I’ve decided to discontinue birth control. I currently take the pill and have the nexplanon. The combination of the two seemed to help for about five months but since having the nexplanon I have gained so much weight and have become more noticeably irritable. My episodes are more drastic and scare not only myself but others around me. Along with that my depression has gotten worse and pet of that is because of the weight of gained-it makes me so mad. I’ve tried dieting and exercising extensively. I have been told that a k eto diet helps manage symptoms of BD-not sure how true tha is. But I did do the diet for about two months and I dropped weight quick and get on top of the world. Thinking back on it now idk if that top of the world feeling was me having an episode. +I few like my BD has been managed quite well but of course I struggle day to day. +Everyone here knows how dark bad days can be, you know how it can be. It’s scary as fuck! +I want to be healthier with minimal medication and I feel like that means no more birth control. I’m hoping it helps me lose weight and decrease my depression. +I also want to start a family but it worries me that my children could possibly have BD like me. No one is immune to pain and suffering but man having a mental diagnosis sure makes things a hell of a lot harder. + + + +Edit: the only reason I’ve taken birth control is because my cycle is extremely irregular. Sometimes I have it every day for months at a time to having it very painfully for a day or two. All birth control I’ve used has helped for about two months until it seems to have no effect on my body. The last birth control I was using was the pill along with the nexplanon. The combination of the two seemed to help for about five months.",Bipolar +50062,"something weird with my sleep So for the last few months every night while i'm falling asleep like hypnagogic state, i feel pain go through my whole body it hurts so bad but it almost feels fake because if i sit up and wake myself up it goes away and i feel sensation round my neck like tingly like someones hands around it and i hear voices in my head laughing and saying weird things that don't make sense and then like a couple minutes after being asleep i jump up screaming and run to my door and then i go lay back down fall asleep and it repeats a few times then i finally sleep, does this mean anything and how can i stop it?",Bipolar +50063,"I came to the realization I'm mentally ill Sounds like a ""duh"", I know. I know I'm bipolar. I got off my meds and it's been 2 or 3 weeks I think... Some part of me figured if I was gonna lose it I'd lose it instantly I guess. So I didn't notice when the impending sense of doom came back.. does anyone else feel like you're holding your breath waiting to breath but the breathing never comes and it's slowly crushing you?? Between that I've started to believe something bad is gonna happen to me. I can physically feel I'm not interpretting the world the way I used to on my meds... I think I might be a smidge psychotic without my anti-pychotics. I know I need to get back on my meds, this is the first I've made this mistake,... guess I wanna know I'm not alone.",Bipolar +50064,"Caffeine!? I am 26 (F) who has been recently diagnosed with BD. I am figuring out how am I with it, what are my triggers, ways to cope and live with it. +I have noticed that when I am agitated, low on concentration and focus coffee puts me back on track. Of course it triggers anxiety that's a down side but the boost that it gives to my thinking ability is something. +I cannot stop talking about my ideas, my thoughts and views on things after it. (This post is a result of it too) + +Now, my question is since I am new to all this. Is feeling like this okay or coffee triggers my mania and I should completely stop having it. + +Ps: I have read on the internet that caffeine is bad for people who have BD.",Bipolar +50065,"Well this is new My psych wanted me to quit smoking weed for two weeks to see if my symptoms are weed related or if it’s my meds. So I switched to a nicotine vape for the time being because I somehow still get a nicotine high. I noticed yesterday that my anxiety was getting going and then this morning when I woke up I had to get out of bed my anxiety was so bad. Do u think nicotine can bring out anxiety, I have type one bipolar and GAD and psychosis",Bipolar +50066,"Always out of PTO because of this stupid disorder I get great benefits at my job, including paid time off that accrues every pay period, so in theory I should be able to bank quite a bit of it. Unfortunately I've already used almost all of my PTO because of a surgery and a major depressive episode, plus days when I can't leave the house to go to work. I had to leave work today and I feel like shit about it, I know I'm probably going to have to make it up next week, and that stresses me the fuck out. Most people I work with never take their PTO, never seem to have a sick day. I try really hard to be a good employee but my absenteeism can't be good. My management is super understanding and supportive but I still feel like shit about it. It's not a super important job in the scheme of things so it's not like I'm really hurting my workplace by taking time off, but I really want to keep this job for a while. I hate that I'm always anxious that this time will be the time they finally fire me.",Bipolar +50067,Work issues I always find myself having a very bad time at work ( customer service/retail). Basically I've been put as a manger for 2 weeks to fill in for my boss who's off. I find myself stressing 24/7 abkut work even when im not at work. When im at work im on the verge of crying and having a breakdown. Today I had to leave work early because of this and I feel fuckkng terrible about doing so. Does anyone else have these sorts of issues? Do you feel bad about them?,Bipolar +50068,"I just randomly can’t stand people They would do something very stupid like so minor but for some reason I get so triggered and I can’t stand them at all. + +Usually I feel this amount of annoyance towards my mom but recently it’s towards my friends + +I can’t stand my best friend right now and I’m avoiding her because I know I’ll be very rude to her if we talked + +Anyone else faces this problem ?",Bipolar +50069,"how many episodes do you guys have per year? I started last year off with a lil mania + marijuana-induced psychosis, then a fat depression Feb-May, manic in June, depresso again in July, ssri-induced Mania in August, manic thru october and Nov despite lamotrigine, end of December Mania, mid-Jan SSRI-induced mixed mania, and im just coming out of a february long depresso + +i think im rapid cycling or cyclothymia as indicated by my first psychologist but i swear its just getting worse + +now on lamotrigine 200mg, lurasidone 40mg( 1 wk now ), and doc told me to up to 300mg lamotrigine but im literally gonna go bald at this rate so im holding off",Bipolar +50070,"It feels like my meds are helping! I have been in such a bad depressive episode since I lost my last job. Like, rotting in bed bad. But I started lamictal in February and have been slowly working my way up, and I feel like as i’m working my way up i’m feeling better :-) I hope it’s not mania creeping up on me, thats always a worry of mine. I don’t particularly feel manic, still depressed but able to do chores and get a new job!",Bipolar +50071,,Bipolar +50072,"They told me I couldn’t stabilize without meds! And they were right. Here’s the deal…months of little to no sleep, have lost 60 pounds in an unhealthy way, can’t focus, mind racing, sometimes pleasant, often not. + +Don’t want weight gain. Triggers depression, more dangerous for me. + +Have tried Seroquel. Helped me sleep. Made me prediabetic cause it makes food so gawddamn delicious. Turned me into a zombie. + +Any suggestions for what to try? As the sober communities say, my life has become unmanageable.",Bipolar +50073,,Bipolar +50074,"Hi All.. Good morning /afternoon /day. I am active in this colum for 2 weeks. Diagnosed 3 years ago. BPAD, ADHD, NDS. I have a 500$ exam in an hour. Getting dressed. Only 1 attempt. Had to borrow money for this. In Kind of depressive episode (usual for me in summers). However Methylphenidate has uplifted mood. Please wish me luck. God bless you all. Will keep you posted.",Bipolar +50075,,Bipolar +50076,"Suddenly really confrontational? So I have yet to meet with my psychiatrist to confirm my diagnosis but it's looking quite likely that I'm living with bipolar II. + +Over the past few months I've experienced my first full-blown manic episode, with all the characteristic symptoms. + +Now I'm back in a really bad depressive state. Nevertheless, I've really been treated like shit over the past few months by some people who were once friends. In the past, I'd have been very meek and mild and probably would have let such behaviour slide. But over the past month or so, I've been very confrontational about the way I've been mistreated. + +I also went to the annual general meeting of a society I used to be president of, and called them out for their causal homophobia, misogyny, racism etc. + +These are things I wouldn't have considered doing in the past - I'd have been far too anxious and frankly conflict avoidant. Now that fear has gone and I see willing to embrace confrontation when I've been wronged. + +Is this just a sign of personal growth or have others experienced a surge in confrontational behaviours as well? + +Thanks guys and love to you all",Bipolar +50077,"Relationship over - I’m too crazy I had been with this girl since high school, we started a family together, 8 years into our life together she had enough of me being a stoner we had a big fight over it + +Im going to rehab to deal with some trauma linked to my sex and drug abuse problems but she’s not prepared to give me a chance to get better and support me, I never really did anything wrong she just doesn’t like weed + +I gave everything to this girl and made a lot of positive improvements over the years but she told me she can’t handle my mental illness and that she loves me but needs to focus on herself + +The fact that she is a really good nurse is tearing me up because she loves caring for people but im too much for her, it hurts to know that someone can just leave over an uncontrollable mental illness",Bipolar +50078,asking for an autism evaluation i’ve been with my new psychiatrist for a few months now and she’s so precious like absolutely wonderful. i’ve been thinking for a while that i could be on the spectrum and i just want to know if i am definitively or not. idk how i should go about bringing it up esp since we already have a host of disorders to deal with rn. i’m kinda scared to ask for an evaluation tho cus what if she doesn’t agree or smt i just don’t want to feel uncomfortable thinking abt it is making me anxious,Bipolar +50079,"does dating get any easier??? hi! first reddit post like ever i think haha. i'm 19 and was diagnosed with bipolar 1 when i was 16 after the classic ssri trigged manic episode. i am on medication and regularly attend dbt therapy both in group format and with a private therapist. treatment disclosure aside i am really just looking for anyone to use their more lived experiences as some advice for how to date while living with bd. + +i know it can get better and that letting one's self get caught into the spiral of feeling like you're doomed just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but the constant cycle of being a guys' ""dream girl"" simply because i'm manic and down to do whatever (little does he know i only view him as an awkward sidekick until i start slipping back down into depression) only to be told i'm a little much soon as i begin feeling depressed again. there's many other questions and anxieties i have regarding letting myself be loved but that might make this post a little too long :>0 + +on a separate note whether or not i am sad i got dumped again, i can be happy daylight savings happened and i can now relish in the extra sunlight. plus in addition to lithium i had armodafinil added to my regimen and it has helped immensely with my adhd and i am in the process of titrating lamotrigine which i am hopeful will help even more.",Bipolar +50080,"To preface, this probably belongs only in a diary or in the depths of the folds in my mind… This might be a mess. How are you supposed to tell somebody, be it a mental health provider or a friend to confide in, that you’d rather be dead than have to live with bipolar disorder? I’m NOT suicidal. I’m just exhausted. The help I’ve received has been minimal at best. My original diagnosis was 10+ years ago, and the treatment was and still is a joke. + +I was never the best patient, but my doctor told me that I was the bipolar poster child. + +I lived at home with my single mother, who moved to a different apartment at least once a year. She was a victim of domestic violence. The incident occurred around 2004, and this man (the abuser) played a minimal role in her life in the following 13 years. Even though he’s out of her life completely now, she will still “play the victim card”, as she’s likely consumed by thoughts of the event. That being said, she refuses to confront her trauma. She played little to no part in helping me get any help for my mental illnesses or her own. + +Due to constantly moving, when I could get any kind of professional treatment, it was never long lasting. I wasn’t able to stay in therapy/psychiatry and I surely wasn’t able to stay on a medication long enough to tell if it was beneficial or not. This led to episodes of mania and depression that then led to hospitalizations that shattered my trust in everyone. + +My mother moved out of the apartment we lived in when I was 17. From that time until I was 20, I rapidly cycled through manic, hypomanic, psychotic manic, and crippling depressive episodes with great intensity. I wasn’t able to tell where the mania ended and the depression began. I was mostly manic, which meant I didn’t need treatment because I felt like a god; completely untouchable. I got arrested, lost my job, and totaled my car. My mother had put me up in my own one-bedroom apartment. After losing my job, I didn’t have any income with which to pay my rent. I lost the apartment, too, and ended up homeless. + +I started to get back on my feet with a lot of help from friends, family, and my boyfriend at the time. I started self-medicating with cannabis and the symptoms actually started to subside for a little while. I certainly won’t say that it’s an effective treatment method for bipolar disorder because I was still cycling, but I wasn’t moving through episodes so quickly. For the past 5 years, I’ve noticed annual depressive episodes with shorter, less severe hypo/manic episodes. + +I currently have a psychiatrist whose not willing to give me anything other than Abilify and Hydroxyzine, which is basically just Benadryl, but at least it helps me sleep at night. +I’m on the waitlist for therapy, with no openings in the next 90 days, at least. +I have a stable job, steady income, a car, and a place to live. I try to get to the gym 3 times a week. I do yoga almost every day. Things should feel better, but they don’t. + +I’m tired of taking care of myself. I’m tired of babying my mental health. I’m tired of trying to learn about bipolar disorder on my own because nobody ever educated me about my diagnosis. I do not have it in my anymore to keep doing all of this.",Bipolar +50081,"Bipolar Struggle I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar since I was 18 I spent over a year in and out of hospital until they came to the conclusion of Bipolar Disorder II. My mood swings are rapid and hard to control I’m currently on + +- sodium valproate +- lamotrogine +- catapres +- Lamitan + +I’ve read a book to understand my diagnosis better but I still struggle every day. I’ve lost 3 jobs in the past 12 months due to mood swings into an irritable mood causing me to just leave when I’m feeling overwhelmed or on the other hand getting really depressed and breaking down at work. Feels like bipolar is taking over my life. I can’t find a psychologist that I can work with. My psychiatrist just keeps tweaking my dose. Medication isn’t gonna be the fix to all my problems I’m still always gonna have rapid mood swings. Anyone able to help me with any coping strategies or how they keep up with their mood swings?",Bipolar +50082,"Told my close friend I am bipolar I don’t tell anyone this, only my immediate family and one other friend knows. We were talking about one of our mutual friends who also struggles with mental health and I told her that I’m bipolar. She said, “Oh, that makes sense.” I’m more stable than I have been in years so hearing that was just like damn. Is it that obvious? How do people normally react when you tell them?",Bipolar +50083,"Irritability in relationships Hey everyone & happy Saturday 🫶🏼 I hope you’re taking care of yourselves. + +I’ve been struggling a LOT with irritability lately. I can still control myself but I pick up arguments with my parents, I get mad and annoyed easily and it’s starting to affect my relationship to my bf as well. I don’t want to ruin anything because I really care about the people in my life. I am self aware and I know that I need to work on it but I’d like some insight or some advice from fellow bipolar people. Thanks a lot 💜",Bipolar +50084,"Am I manic/hypomanic? Pls help! Hi friends. Newly diagnosed bipolar 2 homie. + +Long story short, after months of therapy my therapist and psychiatrist came to the conclusion 2mo ago that I have bipolar 2 and that I’ve def had manic episodes before. + +But I didn’t know they were happening so like, I don’t know if I’m having one or not? I don’t know what they’re like. Will I know I’m manic when I’m manic? + +I’m EXTREMELY energetic. I was with some friends I don’t see very often today due to long distance and I could not stop fucking talking. Like thinking about the day I’m so embarrassed. I had a date with my partner Friday night (2nd day on adderall) and he said I was completely fucking wired and I know I didn’t stop talking. Also embarrassing. + +I didn’t sleep Friday night and it’s Sunday morning 2AM now. I am broke and no job rn so no bad spending habits but definite problem in the past. I did ask my best friend for money for a weird idea and she knows what’s going on with me so just said let’s talk about it next week (when I’m hopefully not probably manic). + +I just feel like I wanna do 5 million projects but all I can do when I’m by myself is scroll Reddit and like, fucking talk to myself, listen to music, Google weird things and make really long weird notes on my notes app for people. + +I can’t actually like clean my house or anything like I feel like I want to. + +My doc recently put my on 5 mg Adderall for ADHD too. I’m wondering if this is affecting it this weird energy, talkativeness and sleeplessness? It’s Sunday and I started it Thursday. + +I’m just really lost and don’t know if I’m manic and what to do about it. I’m on Abilify and prozac and it’s helping me have more normal moods but like I said I still don’t know what to expect during mania and know it’s still going to happen on those meds. + +Also, how often can mania happen generally? Is this hypomania? I’m just lost and don’t know how this stuff works. No one has educated me enough on it. + +Pls help .. I’m desperate :’)",Bipolar +50085,"How I feel about it all Feels like if I don't live my life as some sort of tortured artist, my mental illness will be for nothing and my life will be a sham and ill be nothing but a victim to my own delusions, + +idk tho",Bipolar +50086,"Excruciating manic episodes. Is this normal? After having many manic episodes (which I tried to hide), I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. Rapid cycle. Mixed state mania. All that jazz... + +What I experience doesn't seem to be consistent with what many other people feel. Before a full blown manic episode I feel great, all my problems melt away and I hardly sleep at all. This makes sense to me. Once I pass that phase, things become very extreme. I can only describe it as absolutely excruciating, like being in hell. Like I'm on a ton of amphetamines and the most extreme anxiety I have ever experience. It never stops or takes a break. I never sleep or even sit down. All I can do is pace around my house all day and night for days on end. My heart is beats out of my chest the entire time. It breaks me and I'll do anything for relief. The last time I was manic, after taking seroquel for a few days, it brought me down to a point where I felt like I was on cocaine all the time. That I could attleat tolerate. + +Does anyone else have horrific manic experiences?? This doesn't seem to be consistent with everything I've read, and it's been bothering me for years. I'd appreciate any input. Thanks! + +&#x200B; + +On a positive note, I haven't had a manic episode for almost a year. 300mg of lamotrigine does a great job keeping me down. Vraylar was very effective as well, but the side effects were more than I could handle. I now take bupropion for depression which almost pushed me into mania once when I was on a lower dose of lamotrigine. Before I was diagnosed, prozac pushed me into the worst manic episode I had ever experienced.",Bipolar +50087,mixed emotions - disclaimer: doctor has been weaning me off my citalopram I had an rough start to daylight savings but seemingly stable. today i had my doctors appointment and my hair appointment which were both positive experiences and from then on i was go go go. hard to sit still. i eventually drove 1.5hr to my parents house and my mom mentioned that i seem kind of borderline manic - i trust her when it comes to bipolar and something clicked that she was right. so of course on my drive home i’m having this realization. i was angry and irritated and i’m nervous so i texted my doctor incase. Any kind words are appreciated 🥺🥺,Bipolar +50088,Meds are helping but i want to stop taking them I have definitely noticed a lot of changes in my mood and the way i treat others and others have seen my growth too. I actually want to be productive and be a functioning member of society but there’s a part of me that wants to self destruct. There’s this voice telling me to stop taking them and i’m afraid of what’s going to happen if i actually do stop. does this happen to anyone else?,Bipolar +50089,,Bipolar +50090,"any tips for reducing tobacco use? I developed a serious problem with my tobacco use last year. I used to smoke about half a pack a day fairly reliably, but in the wake of a very stressful cross-country move, my consumption spiked to 20-25 smokes a day and I haven’t been able to get it back down yet. I have BP1 with psychotic features and my own therapist said he doesn’t know anyone with a psychotic mood disorder that doesn’t smoke, so I’m not sure if actually quitting is in my future. I’ve tried before using patches and after two weeks I felt like I had a rabid rat scratching around in my head. However, I do think getting back to half a pack or less is doable. My current plan is two-fold: replace some of my daily smokes with nicotine gum, and instead of having the whole pack with me out on the porch where I smoke, I keep them inside and only take 2 with me outside. When I’m done I’ll set a phone timer for 2 hours and not smoke until it goes off. Hopefully this will get me down to around 15 or less a day at which point I’ll either smoke every 3 hours or only have one at a time (perhaps both!). My therapist is a big fan of the harm reduction method of dealing with substance use. Yes, I know that any smoking at all is bad for me, but so is completely losing my mind and raging: it’s a balance. + +Does anyone have any thoughts regarding my plan or any additional tips that may be helpful? I’ve been smoking since I was a teenager (now 51) so it’s a deeply ingrained habit. I know I can break habits because I recently stopped smoking weed all day, every day after 29 years, though I still sometimes have a tiny edible at night to help with sleep and bad dreams. Grateful for any advice or support anyone has to offer.",Bipolar +50091,"How to find success starting a new job with bipolar disorder? I just accepted a job offer yesterday for a new job I will be starting in a couple of weeks. This will be my first ""adult,"" full-time job so I'm feeling pretty excited and a little nervous at the same time. I wanted to reach out and ask if anyone has any tips when it comes to starting a new job for people on the bipolar spectrum since we face unique challenges. How have you found success? What do you wish you did differently?",Bipolar +50092,"Asthma Flovent HFA inhaler, looking for any knowledge. Does anyone use a steroid inhaler for any pulmonary issues? I have severe asthma, unmedicated for years. Now I can no longer get enough air into me. It feels like I have to gasp. Anywho, I have to go back on an inhaler. Which really helps, but It never dawned on me that inhalers use steroids. Which is the number one drug that will put bipolar into mania. I was wondering if this includes the inhaled type. I wanted to check if anyone here uses the inhaler, or if someone had any info. to relay. Any experiences, knowledge, or tidbits would be great, and appreciated. Thank you 😊",Bipolar +50093,"Can’t take it anymore Today has been one of the worst days in a long time. Out of so many countless times I have wanted to just give up and end it, I kept going. Thought I was getting a loan so I could get out of debt and actually have some money to get things I desperately need since I haven’t worked in over 5 months and have had $0 since. I recently got a lawyer to try and get SSI and last week I finally found out how to apply for General aid since months ago the welfare office wouldn’t tell me how to and kept saying they only had it for families. So the loan company that pretty much got all of my info and bank turned out to be scammers and Citibank is absolute trash and their fraud department is shit. So if I wasn’t already experiencing enough stress and severe depression life decided to give me that too. Then today Sunday I have been looking forward too because I was finally going to see my FwB that I haven’t seen in quite some time and I really like him/fallen for him. And even more excitement was besides just hooking up he invited me to AX throwing so I just felt so giddy but he informed me tonight that he had to cancel due to something about his ex/custody issues. So here I am completely broken in every way and tired to keep living. I really can’t keep trying/going. I need to get off of this ride called life…. 😞",Bipolar +50094,"Type 2 spending issues? Hi everyone, + +I was just wondering if type 2 people can have issues with spending too much money or if that is exclusively type 1? I don’t think I’m hypomanic right now. I think it was just overstimulation—I went to a local comicon with my brother. I didn’t spend a ton, but I bought more than I intended and I feel it was a bit more impulsive. I think I’m just really anxious right now. I’ve had concerns about turning into a hoarder for years (runs in my family), but I’ve been aware and trying to work through those issues. Idk. I’m just really anxious today and I wanted some feedback from you guys cuz you always give me great advice. I appreciate this sub so so so much. 💝",Bipolar +50095,"If you’re sick of dealing with this shit raise your hand 🙋🏻‍♀️ I saw my therapist on Monday. She saw that I had cut myself and made me get it checked out at the ER because she said I needed stitches. I didn’t think it was that bad. Well 7 stitches and 5 days in the psych ward later I was discharged today from my 19th hospital stay. I am so done dealing with this. + +I’m just venting and want to hear your frustrations too. So what are you sick of dealing with?",Bipolar +50096,,Bipolar +50097,"I hear people singing and music when I get manic? Does anyone else have this happen to them? It's very strange. + +I remember maybe when I was 7 I would be confused as to if music was actually playing. + +It doesn't happen too often, but it's peculiar when it does. I became more consciously aware of this when I was maybe 13. I remember being restless because I could hear music, but it was too clear for it to be real. I went outside my bed and didn't hear anything. + +I was talking to my psychiatrist maybe 2 days ago about it. If you want you can take a quick scroll through my post history, but basically + +1. Got sexually harassed badly from a supervisor. He told told me sexual things about my body and told me he liked sliding in and coming inside + +2. When I reported it, the manager cut my hours to zero. I have to pay for rent and food, not to mention how it felt to muster up the courage to report it, and then right face retaliation. I've never experienced this kind of devastation before. I can't even describe how painful the act of retaliation in itself was. I was aware I might not be believed, but I didn't think I'd get punished. + +So I told my psychiatrist about it and almost cried. I'm still processing this information, and I'm struggling. I really am. + +Sometimes it's music playing. More often, actual music will be playing, and I hear an actual person singing along with the song, but they aren't. It's the most bizzare thing. I have to stare at their lips, and they won't be moving. But I hear their singing very clearly. + +Has anything like this happened to others before? + +But, thank God for meds. I've dipped in and out of suicidal fantasy because of it, but overall, it's been ok. I still have panic attacks when my throat closes up and I have to step away to cough it out and/or drink water. But again, thank God for meds. + +I'm not going to ask for a higher dosage yet though. I think I'm stable if not for this happening. Anyways, that's such a tangent. So I guess that's a question + rant I have for yall.",Bipolar +50098,"I told a friend I didn't want to have bipolar children and he called me selfish Considering the fact that I've nearly died a few times, been hospitalized 7 times and really been through hell, I don't want to have a kid and see them go through something similar. I still want to have a family some days, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk. Not sure how to think about this problem.",Bipolar +50099,Weather How does weather affect you? I think weather hitting me as hard as it does affects my belief in the validity of my disorder. (Y'all know that feeling - if I just tried a little harder I wouldn't suffer with that...),Bipolar +50100,"I'm contemplating moving to Ireland. Can anybody give me a reason not to? I'm aware that I'm probably in a manic episode rn but still... Ireland sounds kinda nice. Like financially it's no issue, I speak the language and I'm a European citizen so I don't need a visa or anything, hell I don't even need a work permit to work there and my health insurance works there just fine, so why not, right? + +Idk it sounds good to me rn but I already went to Italy a few years back (in a manic episode) and ended up broke and if it hadn't been for my dad back then I probably would be still living on the streets there, so idk if moving is the best idea... maybe just a vacation?",Bipolar +50101,"Bipolar & Resilience Hey everyone, + +I am far from a inspirational speaker but I wanted to just hop on and say that when it comes to my BiPD I feel I am a much stronger person because of it. I grew up with a mom who likely had the disorder as well but took the path to meth as her escape and my dad was always working and never there. + +I grew up on my own and didn't find out I had the disorder till I was in my late teens. I wasn't able to go to college and I struggled to find work that was a fit and take care of myself for a bit but now I am happy to say I found the best job and make more money without a degree than most. + +This IS NOT me bragging, I say all of this to show that I think we all forget sometimes that while having this disorder is a struggle it can teach us a lot of lessons. It also allows many of us to think differently and that can be a benefit. The problem is finding a way to get to stability to be able to use it in a way that doesn't make us self-destruct. I know it's hard (understatement of the year), and everyone has to find thier own path because it is definitely not one size fits all. I hope anyone who sees this knows there is hope, it's the small wins that keep it alive. Small ones lead to larger ripples in life. + + +Anyway just wanted to share my two cents, if it's not for you feel free to pass on by. Not looking for hate mail.",Bipolar +50102,"What’s your relationship between bipolar and chronic pain? I read that BD and chronic pain are commonly paired together, but I haven’t met doctors or therapists who have had experience with both at the same time. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia even before my BD diagnosis. Makes me wonder if it’s really common of if that’s just internet facts. + +Usually, when I wake up with my entire body stiff/in pain, and my energy levels sapped, I’m having a down day. And the opposite is true when I’m elevated. Also, my days of no pain (and not enough sleep) crash into a downward spike, so it makes sense that I wear out because of that. + +Anyway, curious to hear your experiences, what you do to mitigate the pain, etc.",Bipolar +50103,"Mania or happiness? After receiving my diagnosis, when I recall times I felt completely euphoric, was I mistaking mania for happiness, or was I actually just happy then? Does this make sense? Does anyone else feel this?",Bipolar +50104,WTF?? Walmart. Of course.,Bipolar +50105,"Gave me all of this EMPTINESS, I’m in MANIA My ex boyfriend is someone who can literally change my day in one encounter. +Don’t make fun of me Please!!!! I love him so much and consider him my only soul mate. I have been love sick since we broke up when I was 18. I’m 25. If you are interested in more details ask me. Anyway he limboed into my DM a week ago. I can’t stop thinking about him and my thoughts and emotions are racing. I can’t stay in a single mindset. My ego is breaking. I am starting to feel dysmorphic. I bought some kratom which I swore I wouldn’t do. I’m an alcoholic and addic + +I need a friend. Please someone. 😞 + +Edit: just to paint a picture. I’m 25, gay, pretty cute and I love to listen to long techno mixes.",Bipolar +50106,"Im really sucidal, i dont think my meds are working anymore I take lamictal and olanzapine, until recently i was taking lithium too, but now im back in that dark hole with no exits, why is this happening again, im doing everything right... its so unfair + +This is another episode i know it, i can feel it. I dont understand i was doing so good, i was genuinely doing better than ever, and now i want to kill myself again... + +I give myself max 4 days before i either end up back in the ward for the 14th time or i commit suicide",Bipolar +50107,,Bipolar +50108,"Mania after sickness I am coming out of a bad Illness- pneumonia or bronchitis. Now that am I am starting to feel better I am starting to feel euphoric like mania is coming on. It’s like feel so horrible for so long and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is pushing me into mania. + +Has anyone experienced this?",Bipolar +50109,"Been feeling depressed and have been saying suicidal thoughts out loud I won't act on them, but saying them out loud more has made my boyfriend concerned. It's been a very rough week for me and I am so wound up. I just say them to vent out my frustrations, but I get that it's not normal. My medication had not been effective and I think it's time to make a change but I'm scared of the switch messing with me and I get those auditory or visual hallucinations again. Just letting this thought out so thank you for reading if you have",Bipolar +50110,"Bipolar and bpd diagnosis I know there's a chance somone can be bipolar and have borderline personality disorder. Was it difficult for someone who has both bipolar and bpd disorder to get diagnosed? + +I know some symptoms overlap but from what I know what helps bipolar be diagnosed officially is the clear cut mood swings (correct me if I'm wrong ) and I assume bpd effects those manic and depressive episodes. Let me know ur experience",Bipolar +50111,"Jerking in my Sleep Continues I’m not seeking medical advice, I just want to know if anyone has experienced the same thing. With that being said, I am predisposed to developing tardive dyskensia after my first episode that hasn’t gone away in 8 years. + +Now, I’ve had my second episode and I am on Lexapro, Seroquel, Clonazopam, and Lamictal. + +Has anyone else developed any movement disorders from any of these meds or is it just in your sleep when you experience them?",Bipolar +50112,insaciable anger This is the longest and most severe manic episode I’ve had in months after a 3 month long depressive episode and I love it and I hate it. My “normal” days are still terrible and they always will be and I don’t wanna do it anymore. i’m just mad at everyone and eveeyrhing my hand is swollen from smashing shit in my room i just want people to know how bad i feel. i wish they could see it with their eyes. i wish i had cancer or something so people woukd see me.,Bipolar +50113,Just learned today that manic/depressive episodes lead to brain damage And that make me want to cry. That's all. I'm freaked out now and want to bawl my eyes out. I was already teetering on the edge but this fact makes me wanna crumble. Why did I have to have a such a shit draw of luck with genes and trauma.,Bipolar +50114,"Coming out of mania/mixed episodes How do you feel after your episode calms down. I’m currently in hospital from a mixed episode with mania being the stronger symptom. I’ve been in for a week so far. My doctor added an antipsychotic to my treatment. I feel so spacey and strange which I’m assuming could be my meds. My doctor said he will adjust them if it continues. I feel especially weird when I get a few hour passes to go home. + +Curious to know how others have felt/feel?",Bipolar +50115,"I suffer from a relationship, I REALLY NEED HELP (Content Warning) + + +Hello people, + +I am writing to you because I need help. + +Please excuse me first of all because English is not my first language. + +I am desperate, I am destroyed. + +I am bipolar and borderline. + +I am in a relationship with someone who was perfect for me at first and has since neglected me, disrespected me, ignored me, and blamed me for everything because of my disorder. + +Before I met him, I had managed to rebuild myself, to go back to work after a 2.5 year break (I was diagnosed in 2019). + +Since then, I have been living in hell. + +He lived far away from me (950km/690miles) and we tried life together but that's when my disorder revealed itself. + +He was constantly on the computer, talking down to me, having horrible outbursts and insulting me. + +He even threatened to kill himself and jump off my balcony and I tried to hold him back and that's when I had my first ""boderline"" crisis where I started screaming in pain and wanting to end my life. + +I called him parents to warn them of his actions and when they called, my boyfriend said everything was fine while I was crying in the back and they could hear me. + +A lot of things happened and I asked him to go home (he lives with his parents). + +Since then, it's been hot and cold between us. + +One day I'm ""his Queen"", the next day he barely pays attention to me and when I criticize him for not even asking if I'm okay, he says ""because you think I'm your knight in shining armor?"" when for me it's the minimum for any social contact. + +You should know that from the beginning of our relationship, I was threatened with a knife by one of his family members and insulted and while we were abroad in a remote place I didn't know. + +His family consults a lot of medieums, psychics, card readers and all of them say that I am the devil and not made for their son while I have never shown anything but goodness, kindness and compassion despite what they made me go through (recently, I learned that they would be persuaded that I raped their son and that my first goal is to ""kill him"" while I have never raised my hand on someone). + +They even told me while her sister wanted hut me with the knife that it was ok because ""the devil is INSIDE HER' and so it means that it's not her fault and they didn't event ask if I was fine once ?! + +Last week was the worst of all, I hurt myself, I hit my head multiple times during his present and I tore my face off + hit myself with an alter because I heard his parents on the phone saying again that I was going to kill him and he did nothing to stop it and instead he left when I could have killed myself. + +I am stuck in this relationship, I don't know how to get out of it. + +I feel like I can't see any way out because I feel like no one will want me because I'm ""crazy"" and I don't want to live with someone like him, nor do I want to start a family with him because of the principles he may have and his family (I can't tell you everything, but the story of the knife already tells you a lot) + +I need help, my caregivers don't tell me anything, they listen to me and that's it. + +No one understands me. + +The more I talked to him about my illness and how to help me if I was neglected, the more he did nothing. + +When we lived together and he insulted me, I took it upon myself at first and went to him with a big smile and hugged him as he pushed me hard and said ""YOU DISGUST ME!"" to then tell me ""sorry, I love you more than anything, you can't even imagine, I will never leave you alone again, I will do the work for both of us as you have done for the past 7 months, everything it's over I'm not going to abandon you anymore, it's up to me to make sure that you become again the one you were before my family and I broke you"" then suddenly it's ""you're responsible for everything, it's is because you are hypersensitive"" + +His family hates me because I'm ""too pretty, too nice, too cuddly to be true"" when I'm just me! + +I can't take it anymore, yesterday and this morning I wanted to end it, I can't tell myself that I'm going to get out of this, I can't tell myself that I'm going to manage to escape of him because I'm hooked in spite of myself and I don't know why because we no longer live together and it's a daily suffering. + +He's h24 on his computer, he just plays, he has nothing to talk about, we don't share anything anymore (he was different at first, it was amazing then he showed his face when he moved in with me). + +I just asked him again if we could call because I need help because I'm in pain, I'm taking xanax for the first time in my life in addition to my usual treatments when I've always managed to do without (and even with that, it doesn't work) + +I'm begging you, help me, advise me, I don't know, but I need help from people who understand me. +Thank you very much",Bipolar +50116,"unloved I feel like I’m too hard to love. I’m in my late 20s, and I have bp II. I’ve been medicated and going to therapy regularly for years but I still have mood swings etc. i thought I managed it well? I’m a lesbian and I try really hard to make relationships work but in the end I’m always too much. I even escaped an abusive one. It hurts so badly. Especially when i think about the fact that in multiple relationships, when my partners were going through their depressions (not bipolar but reg depression) I held them down, to the point of putting their needs and feelings above my own and neglecting myself (which I now know is unhealthy). And then they get better..But the second I start struggling I’m “too much” and they don’t know if they can do it. It’s frustrating because I’m really upfront about the fact that I have bp II and they’ll say it doesn’t matter etc but when the symptoms show up they bail. If you ask my exes or anyone I’ve dealt with romantically 9 times out of 10 they’ll describe me as sweet/bubbly and one said I was amazing. But if that’s true why can’t they love me. I just want to be loved. I want to get married one day and maybe have a child and live happily ever after but I feel like that’ll never happen for me or it won’t last because I’ll have an episode and everything will be ruined.",Bipolar +50117,"Adequate protein intake My last post was removed for being pseudo-science. Fair enough. Here are a few sources that recommend eating at least 1g protein per kg of bodyweight: + +https://neurosciencenews.com/high-protein-diet-depression-22760/ + +""A new study that focused on nutrition and mental health of adolescent athletes found an association between high protein consumption and a decrease in symptoms of depression."" + +https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19841581/ + +""The indicator amino acid oxidation-based requirement values of 0.93 and 1.2 g protein/kg/day and the reanalysis of existing nitrogen balance studies are significantly higher than current recommendations. Therefore, there is an urgent need to reassess recommendations for protein intake in adult humans."" + +https://examine.com/guides/protein-intake/#references + +""higher protein intakes increase satiety, which is particularly helpful if you’re trying to cut calories as part of a weight-loss diet"" + + +https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-much-protein-do-you-need-every-day-201506188096 + +""The Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) for protein is a modest 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight. The RDA is the amount of a nutrient you need to meet your basic nutritional requirements. In a sense, it’s the minimum amount you need to keep from getting sick — not the specific amount you are supposed to eat every day."" + +As you can see, making sure you eat enough protein improves depression symptoms, helps weight loss (but is not a panacea) which we struggle with, and is generally deemed to be safe. + +The mainstay advice is *at least* 0.8g protein per kg bodyweight. It is generally recommended to get this protein from plant sources and also engage in physical activity.",Bipolar +50118,"Mood tracker app with time weighted entry Basically the title + +I'm looking for a mood tracking app that can weight my entries based on the time I recorded them. All of them I tried an entry counts as one. So if I feel awesome (that's a 5) and for the evening I feel terrible (that's a 1) it counts as my day was a 3. + +But in realty if felt awesome for like 10 hours and terrible for 1 would be useful if it would count as 4.6. + +I feel like that would a more accurate representation of my feelings at the end of the day",Bipolar +50119,"Getting vraylar or saphris. High deductible- any ways to get it? I have a $1750 deductible so getting saphris is $200/ month. It was a miracle drug when I was on it. Vraylar has been suggested for me so many times but once again is super expensive. +Any loopholes in getting either of these meds? My doctor was going to try to reach out to a drug rep to see if we can get samples and for how long. Both of us hesitant bc then I might have to go off. On zyprexa now… open to any other meds that might help stabilize that are 5 million dollars",Bipolar +50120,,Bipolar +50121,"just diagnosed with BP2, feeling lost and looking for inspo. After years of getting nowhere with SSRIS, therapy, and functional medicine, I have finally been diagnosed with bipolar 2. I feel anger at my parents and doctors for not helping me when this started showing up in high school (I am 29 now). I will be starting medication next week after my psych goes over my metabolic panel. I have a good job now (software engineer) and am repairing myself financially for all the excessive spending and credit I took out, but I feel so alone in my relationships and sometimes think I will never be able to be a wife and mother with this disease. I feel grateful for this diagnosis as I can now begin to forgive myself for all my outbursts in the past, but the grief is so heavy over the time I lost and how much this damaged my self esteem over the years. Is it really possible to begin again after starting medication and therapy? Looking for some serious inspiration here. Love to everyone in this community.",Bipolar +50122,"What country are you in and what treatment are you receiving? I'm curious about how doctors in different countries approach bipolar treatment. I'm in the US and I'm taking 200 mg of Lamotrigine daily. My psychiatrist recommended talk therapy but I declined due to cost. He also prescribed Adderall but I couldn't tolerate it due to insomnia. + +I sometimes do CBT workbooks, and I'm in a DBT Skills Training group. These were never recommended by a doctor but I think they help. + +Edit: Adderall was prescribed for my ADHD diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder with generalized anxiety and obsessive compulsive features, but I was never prescribed a medication for this condition.",Bipolar +50123,"I'm ruining my sex life, please help Okay, I think this might be a bit long as I'm trying to include all the information, so here we go. + +I (f25) was diagnosed in mid 2021, but never categorized in 1 or 2. I was doing therapy (combo biofeedback with the intent to get to emdr) for a few months and taking 200mg lamotrigine and 10mg Lexapro, but I haven't been to therapy in months because of distance and cost, and I've been off my meds for months because the lamoteigine (I think) was causing me sleep problems. + +I work 9 hr days and 6 days a week most weeks while also helping my husband (35m) with his online business (usually don't get home most nights until 9:30). Here's where my problems start. + +My husband wants sex a lot. When we first got together, we had sex every day for like a year. Then it started to slow some but was never really an issue. Now we have sex maybe once a week and it's putting a strain on our marriage. He feels like I don't love him or want him or want to be around him anymore. None of those are true and in my mind I have valid reasons for not wanting to have sex when he initiates. I have the kyleena IUD so I get some pretty painful cramps sometimes, or I'm tired, or it's late when we get home and I have to be at work a 6 am. Recently an additional pronlem is that I've become self-conscious about how I look again. He says I don't initiate enough or respond when he tries to get me in the mood. I tried to explain to him my reasons but he said I'm making it sound like a chore, and sometimes it does feel that way until I'm actually in the act and enjoying it. It feels like too much work or too much sleep loss in exchange for little. I've gotten to the point where if we do have sex, I prefer quickies. He also says that when I initiate when he's tried, he doesn't turn me down unless he's exhausted. + +Things are very strained. I feel like I'm sleeping in bed with a stranger, like an old fashioned we've never loved together or had sex before marriage type of relationship. I hate it and I hate that I can't pinpoint a cause or how to fix it. + +Is it mania? Depression? Stress? IUD? Exhaustion? Something I'm missing completely? + +I'll answer any questions that come up to explain more. Please, someone help. I don't want to ruin my marriage.",Bipolar +50124,"Mixed episode Does anyone have any tips on dealing with a mixed episode? I really don’t want to go to the hospital cause being isolated from my friends, pets, and music makes everything so much worse. I also have trauma from a past hospitalization so even the idea of it is really triggering. I just keep fluctuating between sobbing, being fine, super happy, and angry. I contacted my psychiatrist and I got my appointment moved up to Tuesday but I’m just really overwhelmed right. I’m just listening to music to try to stay calm but my brain is just really loud and I feel like I’m losing it. I just really don’t know how to be ok right now and need some ideas for staying as stable as possible before I can see my psychiatrist.",Bipolar +50125,"Low mood Does anyone else still experience hyper vigilance during a depressive episode? I feel as though it actually gets worse and I hang onto every word and each of the tones. I am prone to self-isolating but I am the sole income earner and it freaks my spouse out when I hit my lows and I cannot get the energy to get to work. The fear is I tend to cry for random things and I work in a super fast paced environment which is overwhelming when I can barely brush my teeth. I wake up with anxiety daily but during a depressive episode, it is crippling. How do I explain the ideation going up? I just want to sleep and cry and I hate the anxiety. People do not realize the high correlation between an anxiety disorder being comorbid with BD. Waking up is literally the hardest part of my day.",Bipolar +50126,"old friendship need serious advice (a manic episode read til the end should i call this girl on the phone ) i need you all to be brutally honest. i sent a whole paragraph to a friend/acquaintance about how i didn’t like this girl +and had this whole plan not to sit next to her. (she’s like the most hated girl in school the one i didn’t want to sit by). i made this whole weird plan about her getting there early and bringing binders that are labeled the sport i play on it to pretend we are planning sports camps. then said it would be good for national honors society. honestly if you guys want more information about the message i sent to her i can copy and paste it i just really don’t want to because it’s embarrassing and hard to look back on. she responded well even though she hated her for a while too. she just said “she’s going through a lot just smile” which is a perfect mature answer. i talked to her (when i wasn’t manic) about how she is a really good remodel and i inspire to her and she really liked that. but before i did that ⚠️ IMPORTANT PART ⚠️ +i texted my other friend(idk what we are now) about it. i said in voice memos that i was manic and wrote a whole paragraph about how i hated this girl then sent it to my other friend. this other girl who i was talking about before i wrote “important part” is someone she would say rather be friends with then me. then i spammed her with tiktoks afterward the voice memo because i told her i didn’t want to be embarrassing by it in the future??? i don’t know what i said, it was clearly something i’d never say. the REAL PROBLEM is her mother has bipolar. but like the stereotypical bipolar not something that i would be like. she says stuff that you could probably image very disfunctional women and the father is too. this was probably a huge trigger for her. i forgot about it until i tagged her in a post and left me on read. then i asked her questions about the sport and she was never a dry texter and said stuff like +yes +no +sure +i realized then and remembered what happened. i texted her to ask if i could call her tomorrow and she said “sure” that was like 3-7 days ago though. i’m not sure whether to call her text her or even address this situation. if i did address it how would i, would i call her, text her, or??? this is just a very hard situation and idk what to do. please help me",Bipolar +50127,"Bipolar Disorder type II is compromising my relationship and I feel beleaguered. How do others navigate relationships while undermedicated/still finding out which meds work for them? I have recently moved in with my partner from across the nation. We had known each other for a long time since we were in the same community-focused nonprofit organization. We had spent a substantial time building an intimate rapport with each other and we began to fully believe we were madly in love with each other. Unfortunately when I moved in the true depth of my mental unwellness quickly forced its way to the surface. My bipolar disorder shares a dangerous comorbidity with various other mental injuries to include combat PTSD from my time in the Marine Corps, community trauma from being raised in poverty, and general childhood trauma which has resulted in an additional major depressive disorder diagnosis. + +My mood cycles rapidly as in several times in one day rapidly. The resulting agitation fills my head with various examples of why the relationship will never work despite her initial fervor to cater to my every need. Now she’s exhausted, beleaguered, and on the precipice of lapsing back into previous trauma behavior—she has PTSD from witnessing her ex-fiancée shoot himself in the head right in front of her. I have become the single most stressful thing in her life and I’ve repeatedly attempted to leave the relationship as a result but she would refuse to let me leave. + +I’m exhausted and I have a maelstrom of dark thoughts swirling through my head. Our relationship has devolved into resentment, petty squabbles, and she no longer has the energy to convince me to stay when I feel compelled to flee from the relationship even though she states she still wants me to stay even if she doesn’t have the energy to stop me from leaving. I can’t seek solace in my partner because we have become a point of contention in each others’ lives and if I keep venting to my best friend she’ll begin to grow resentful of my partner for being what she may perceive as unhealthy for me even though I share a large portion of the blame for causing our relationship to devolve to this point. She constantly states how she needs support and cannot withstand the capricious nature of my mood swings on her own which breaks my heart to hear because now I’m fully convinced that I am far too much more trouble than I’m worth and that I am no where near at a point in my mental health recovery to be a healthy boyfriend. + +Who has experienced something similar and how did they navigate such an emotionally compromising situation?",Bipolar +50128,"Started new meds +So I haven’t had much luck with mood stabilizing meds. I started another new one a few days ago, Tegretol. I’m just wondering if anyone has been on it before and how it worked for them?",Bipolar +50129,"I draw better when i'm hypomanic My eyes hurt, this is now my 5th piece in two days.. i guess i could be doing much worse things right now, at least im improving at something :D",Bipolar +50130,"Relationships and Ghosting? I have Bipolar 2 and an important person I've been seeing for quite a while has Bipolar 1. We started matching cycles and sometimes we inevitably trigger each other.I know when to give him space, specifically when he is going through his lows and withdraws from texting and meeting up. Lately, it has been going on for longer than usual, and am getting a little bit worried as it is triggering my depression and my anxiety. As he leaves me on read, I cannot understand if he is ghosting me or if he just needs space. I am willing to give him space for as long as it is needed, but sometimes I do need reassurance as well. I am deeply missing him and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Pieces of advice? I am willing to read anything that can help me understand better the situation as I am fairly new to Bipolar and I barely understand myself sometimes. + +Edit: typo",Bipolar +50131,"Bipolar ruining my credit Came here to rant. Can someone on this heavenly earth tell me why credit card companies don’t have a “manic episode” forgiveness? Like sorry I’m not paying my bill right now, I’m out buying shit that will entertain this manic episode for maybe 7 whole days! +Sorry I missed a payment, I didn’t really care to view the statement right now because I’m out living life. +No, I have no idea if those charges are +fraudulent, I was living in the moment. + +Needless to say my balance is HIGH for someone unemployed. Anyone else avoiding looking at their credit score! Can’t tell how many payments I’ve missed! Can’t win here.",Bipolar +50132,"I’ve been stable for 6 months! That’s all really, I’m just really proud of how far I have come. At some points over the past few years I really didn’t think I would make it this far. Life is slowly becoming better, and I’m beginning to love it and myself again. There is hope ❤️",Bipolar +50133,"Stopping birth control Hi + +Have any of you stopped taking birth control while on meds? I'm on lamotrigine, propranolol, lithium, and wellbutrin. I have the estrogen implant, and I want to get it removed and get my tubes tied instead. Im worried that if I remove it that my body and brain will go crazy. I've been on birth control for 10 years and I have no clue what I am like without it. + +Anyone have some insight as to what I might be getting myself into?",Bipolar +50134,"Is it fine or am I loopy from the nonexistent sleep? I am going on 2 weeks of little sleep. Around an hour or 2 a night max. My doctor won’t give me sleep meds due to me being “too young” because I would have to take them forever. I’m looking for a new doctor. + +Anyways I’m having trouble feeling? I am dissociated majority of the time. I can’t seem to go out without everyone noticing. It’s exhausting on top of no sleep.",Bipolar +50135,"Worst Mania I've Ever Had Hi I'm 24 years old and I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. After 3 years of good management, therapy, and constant support I find myself in the worst mania I've ever had. As some background, I'm a 3rd year nursing student and I have a lot of past repressed trauma. In the previous weeks I've been so stressed and I've been dealing with all the trauma I repressed in order to get to a better place in life. It obviously had the opposite effect. I've spent so much money for useless shit, said things to my friends and family that I obviously don't mean, and I feel like I'm wired. I want this to end, and I just want to make it stop. Please help.",Bipolar +50136,"“I used to be able to do this!” I used to be able to small talk. +Go outside without my adrenaline kicking in. +Making eye contact. +Focusing on reading. +Fight through the days I didn’t feel great and get shit done. Which is not solely a bipolar problem. It’s a human problem. +The worst part is I feel like I can’t relate to anyone. +Earth doesn’t feel like home anymore.",Bipolar +50137,"I never knew it was manic episodes I never knew going off texting someone a million texts was me being manic + +Telling them borderline cruel things was being manic. + +I didn't know it could all escalate. + +That going through more trauma could affect me the way it has. + +Dammit I thought I had things under control just because I used to be ""productive"" about my mental health + +My brain hurts now when things get too much. + +I became violent + +I rage now. + +I'm tired. + +I used to just curl up and cry. + +I spent a year in bed once in 7th grade and another time as a late teenager and nobody noticed. + +I cried for a whole 2 days one time, the tears just kept pouring out...nobody noticed. + +I had panic attacks without knowing they were panic attacks. + +I got into weed and alcohol not knowing how much it all could exacerbate things. + +I'm in legal trouble because things escalated for me. I had just been diagnosed and I was already on medication. + +I'm scared, alone and just trying to get by. + +How'd I get this far ? + +I always felt like I had so much potential and I truly wanted to do things and live genuinely. + +I feel like a failure. +I just never knew things could get this bad.",Bipolar +50138,,Bipolar +50139,"Just found out 14% of people with bipolar disorder have an eating disorder. Who else out there relates? It's a lot to handle sometimes, so I looked up the statistic and feel less alone!",Bipolar +50140,"Being stable is so fucking boring After multiple years of suffering from different combinations of Bipolar, BPD, narcissism, ADHD symptoms, and OCD symptoms I am 90% symptom-free. I still have anxiety attacks sometimes (but like once a week if that), and certain phobias and have to control my OCD symptoms with some rigid scheduling, but my depression splitting, hyper fixations, and attention issues are effectively gone. + +And I'm so fucking bored. None of the things that made me feel good do that anymore (but I don't feel bad) because it all came from avoidance. I'm used to fighting depression 100% of the time and without that I'm listless. + +So what do you do with this? Does anyone have any advice? DBT and IFS suggestions especially appreciated.",Bipolar +50141,"Am I only validated when things are worst case? I'm doing all the shit they tell you to do. Ask for help early, intervene, use skills, tell your care team what is going on...etc. The past few weeks have felt like shit but I've managed to avoid a major incident. I still had to take an ""incomplete"" in my coursework and will have to finish the module over the summer but I am not set back by a whole year like last time. So I guess you could say that things are working. But I feel like I'm not being taken seriously by my providers. I am telling them what is going on and how I am feeling but since I didn't have a major incident that ended in disaster I feel like they are telling me that I'm fine and not really listening. I feel like the only time people listen to what I'm saying is when I'm literally having a medical emergency. It is really invalidating and makes me feel like my problems are only valid if they're immediately life threatening. Anyone else? How do you keep taking care of yourself when everyone sees you as ""managing"" but you're actually barely scraping by?",Bipolar +50142,"Don’t believe it This is headed into a rant..I was diagnosed BP2 after one visit with a psych. Put on lamicital and here I’ve been for two years. I’m not bipolar the meds aren’t helping. I got worse, more fighting , crying, SI,SH. I’ve been trying to force myself into sickness or narrative. Psychosomatic? +I’ve also been dealing with marriage strain,a pandemic, a major surgery, the +chronic pain and long term issues from +that surgery and a new high stress job. It’s been a busy couple of years. + +Those are life factors that can make anyone go off their baseline. I don’t want to be given a dx because I can fit a checklist that day and then some meds to make me foggy. + + +I have been letdown by so many healthcare providers. I am taking my health and bodily autonomy back. I can choose how to heal my mind and body. + +I’m tapering myself off the meds. Working with a therapist I trust and creating a treatment plan to actually improve my quality of life.",Bipolar +50143,"Latuda finally has a generic! It launched February 21st. I didn’t know until half an hour ago when I picked up my prescription. Instead of $150 after insurance for a 30 day supply, I paid $0 for Lurasidone. $0!!!!! + +Just wanted to share in case people don’t know! If you’re paying a lot for Latuda, you can now get the generic! + +I am so psyched to have more money in my budget! That relieves so much stress, oh my god",Bipolar +50144,"Might be manic I think I'm about to have a manic episode, and I'm not really sure what to do. I'm on meds (abilify) but I just started them and they haven't really had an effect yet. I've also been feeling pretty anxious. I can't get on elevators because I feel like they're haunted, and I can't be alone without having a panic attack and thinking I'm going to die. I was wondering if this is a symptom of bipolar? I just got diagnosed and I don't know. + +I already texted my therapist and hopefully I'll see her on Monday, I was just wondering if any of you had any advice on what to do until then. Do I tell people?",Bipolar +50145,,Bipolar +50146,"Bupropion is making me horny as fuck My Bupropion dosage just got upped from 150 to 300, and ever since, sex is quite literally the only thing I can think about. I’ve been daydreaming about having sex almost constantly, and it’s quite distracting while I’m at work. It’s legitimately almost painful. This is, for the most part, a non issue except that my partner is away at the moment, and a fellow can only rub one out so many times a day. For the record, I’m not manic, I have 0 symptoms of mania besides an increased libido, and that is a common side effect of Bupropion. + +How can I at least make this less annoying?",Bipolar +50147,"New user Hey everyone! + +I have bipolar and I’ve been in 40 hospitals. My parents tried to put me under conservativorship and filed 4x in California. They’re due for dismissal now. + +I am kinda hesitant to see when it gets dismissed because their lawyer is lagging the due date is April 25th. + +I just came back to LA from Boston. I was out of state lines then. So I might have to appear. + +On top of it, I bleached my hair and it came out yellow, now I have to go for another round of bleaching. + +Anyway, that’s my life + +So tell me about yours.",Bipolar +50148,"16 & bipolar I’m 16 diagnosed Bipolar 1, eBPD, ADHD, PTSD, GAD, social anxiety and my question is wtf do y’all do to cope??💀 + +I’ve tried 10+ meds, therapy, IOP, PHP, inpatient, and I’m still not doing any better. + +so i’m curious, what helps/helped you?",Bipolar +50149,"Dissociation? I started a depressed episode in oct of 2022, this did not start right away but rather crept in especially in the last 2 or so months. I’ve been doing much better but this is still lingering, I feel as though it’s getting better but I’m not sure and just here to see if other experience this and if there are things to help. + +When I look in the mirror I do not recognize myself, I don’t even know what I think I look like in my head, it’s really hard for me to picture my face. But when I see myself I think this is not what I look like even tho it obviously is. This also happens when I look at photos of myself. It’s a bit bothersome and makes it hard to feel confident about the way I look bc I used to be so confident but now I don’t even know what I look like or am supposed to look like if that makes sense.",Bipolar +50150,,Bipolar +50151,"Is there another you? I'm aware this sounds like psychosis, I have an appointment set up, it isn't until next week. I'm making this post wondering if anyone else experiences something like this. +When my meds stop working or im in a depressive episI have a voice in my head that is me, but she's mean and hateful only towards me. +For example, I go to do the pile of dishes at the sink I've promised to wash for 3 days and she starts telling me that my husband hates me and I should just give up and kms. It's just a constant badgering and peanut gallery horseshit. I know I'm going to sound crazier saying this, but I tell her to shut up, and sometimes it works. +I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lick of sense.",Bipolar +50152,"questions about ultra rapid cycling/switching/mixed states So I've been cycling since beginning of december, before it was switching back and forth around every 5 days (with about 12 hours of euthymia between the up->down switch and none in the down->up switch), but since some time in early feb it's more like switching every 21-34 hours (usually 21-24 but sometimes a cycle gets a bonus half day added to it), and this is with little or no break in between sides. + + +Now this is where my question comes in: I started on latuda 20 in early feb (which seemed to work for like 3 days a week in then stop). Then Feb 22 I got upped to 40 (as well as wellbutrin being doubled from 150-300 o_O). Now since last week (almost exactly 2 weeks after upping the two), the pattern has started doing something extra weird.... + + +Now, instead of just going up-down-up-down like it was before, there's a day ""break"" between the solid up and down ... and it's not euthymia it's like a funky mixed thing going on where it rapidly switches back and forth between lighter versions of both sides, with each side ranging anywhere from a couple minutes to an hour. Then it switches into a 'full state' for a day to continue the cycle (usually it goes in order but it doesn't always). + +So my question is ... I really can't understand exactly what this means ... does this mean it's getting better or worse? I'm trying to figure out if maybe the med changes are in the right direction or if this is actually worsening ... in some ways I'd say better (since the number of 'full' cycles is technically slowed a little) but for more obvious reasons it may be worse. Also, these bouncy days are pretty obnoxious when it comes to doing things like work because I can't actually maintain a flow since it keeps changing on me. + + +Has anyone had any sorta situation like this before? Do you think this is a path toward better, or is it actually getting worse? I would think a question like that would be obvious but ... it isn't for this o_O",Bipolar +50153,"Why do negative social interactions give me such existential dread? How to cope? I’m posting here because I’m technically diagnosed as bipolar and I suspect it could potentially be related in the form of overthinking. + +Overall I’ve had pretty stable mental health since I graduated college and started working. College was hell and now I occasionally get hypomanic but nothing extreme. Even less frequently do I ever feel depressed. All without meds (has bad side effects, didn’t really help, felt like it kept me in a “sick” mindset but I digress). So I think I’m doing great overall. I feel privileged in that way. + +But something I still struggle with is this feeling of existential dread I get when I mistake a mistake, am wrong, or am just being trolled. + +I have many examples, but one today was someone on an academic subreddit telling me I’m wrong about something and implied I’m an idiot that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. All when this person couldn’t refute what I was saying and was generally being a d*ck focused on me being wrong instead of trying to discuss as a community. + +Others have been related to feeling secluded in my field of work because I research a type of illness our product exacerbates to find preventative measures. So sometimes I have to trigger people and if I try to find colleagues to talk to “it could harm the business” which my boss is annoyed about (not violating any NDAs) + +But I digress. + +Basically, anytime I get shut down by someone one way or another, I have thoughts of just not wanting to continue on. Just being unable to cope with other people. + +I don’t perceive them as being s*icidal, like I wouldn’t act on it or plan or anything. But just a feeling of anxiety and fear from making social mistakes (like fearing being canceled for a misunderstanding). I just feel like I don’t know how to move on. Then I think my hypomania kicks that overthinking into overdrive. + +All until I sleep and wake up the next day. Usually, but not always. Sometimes it does lead to dysthymia or depression. + +I’ve never really had a lot of friends. I’m married in a great relationship with great (international) in-laws but I don’t have regular friends I hang out with (mostly friendships of convenience, like classmates) nor do I have a good family. I guess I generally feel like I don’t really have people to support me. + +Despite being able to get by in most social situations fine, I don’t have a real social life and always feel lacking or like I know how to talk to people in personal. Like I only have enough social skills to survive and pass as normal but maybe awkward sometimes. But the awkwardness and not knowing what to do in social situations is what Sara me up",Bipolar +50154,My 6 Year Old Drew this for Me She said it is half moon and half sun and it reminded her of me. It think she's onto me...,Bipolar +50155,"How do I stop spending money??? I’ll preface this post with the fact that I have bipolar and I’m young. I know both those things contribute to the impulse of money spending. I am still in college and my parents give me money for necessities (groceries, therapy, gas money to visit home). I DID have a regular job, but I quit because of how toxic the workplace was. I babysit pretty regularly and I am in the running for a job as a ghost tour guide, so it’s not like I CAN’T afford frivolous things, but I do feel bad about not having basically any money in my savings ($20 to my name right now! It’s insane) + +I am no longer someone who buys clothes just because I like them, but I did go up a few sizes due to medication increase and diet change so I’ve been having to replace a lot of my old clothes. I always shop at goodwill though and lately I haven’t had to buy that much. I don’t buy house decor anymore since I am definitely fulfilled in that aspect. I only buy art supplies when my current ones are totally out of use. + +I think I impulse buy fast food or even restaurant food super easily when I can just cook it or use my meal plan at school. I only have to pay $1k-2k per year at school due to scholarships and financial aid, but it’s still a big chunk (my parents now pay half ever since I quit my job). My biggest vice, however, is legos. I buy so many legos, especially when I’m feeling anxious. They’re a super efficient distraction and a really engaging hobby. Even my parents support it because they see how it calms me and makes me happy. But my issue is that whenever I get any sort of significant money I immediately go to buy legos. I don’t know how to stop or budget or anything or put any of it into a savings account without just taking it right back out. It’s like every other week at this point. + +I need help. How do you all save money? You all know what I do and don’t spend it on, so do you have any tips?",Bipolar +50156,"Needing advice/support I had a manic episode about 6 months ago that has completely derailed my life. I quit my dream job (burned professional bridges too), left my home and my Roomate to find another place to live quickly, moved to a city where I knew no one, left personal belongings behind, racked up $14k in credit card debt. I met someone I shouldn’t have trusted and helped him buy a car. Luckily I was able to sell it, but I also bought myself a new car I didn’t need. I am now 10k underwater in a car loan and had to move back in with my parents. I am close to 30 years old. My professional career is destroyed and I lost most of my friendships. The ones I still have now keep me at a distance due to my behaviors. Everyone says that they “didn’t recognize me at all during this time” and I am ashamed. I am unemployed, in debt, and unable to function normally. I have memories surface of the episode still and it sends me into the deepest despair.. +I feel like there is no point in living anymore. I don’t know how to exist in this new reality of my life. + +Anyone who can relate?? Or is my situation just extremely crazy?",Bipolar +50157,"i hate manic episodes I detest how no one understands that I’m not okay even when I’m not depressed. + +My hypomanic episodes always start lightly - actually eating properly, cleaning the entire house, talking to people, etc. and people will “congratulate me” (“you finally got up/cleaned the mess you live in”) and are all happy that I’m somehow fine and cured now. + +Then it gets worse and I’ll start to get angry easily, hit stuff, yell at people over the smallest things, get drunk or high with anything close by. I’ll do illegal shit, steal stuff or try to harm myself either by relapsing, staying awake until passing out or straight up attempting suicide because why not. +And everyone blames me for it. In their eyes I am choosing to destroy the supposed progress from my depressive episodes; “Why would you do that to yourself?” and “I thought you were doing better.” No, I’m fucking not. + +It’s dumb I know it shouldn’t make me so angry but I hate that no one around me is capable of grasping the fact that I’ll always be sick- that it’s not something that will just leave. +I can never be happy or proud over the small accomplishments during depressive episodes because any of it could mean I am heading towards hypomania. It’s so tiring.",Bipolar +50158,"It never fucking ends! The up, the down. The middle. Never really feeling normal. Exhausted because of medication. Scared I'm scary. + +Hiding who I am because I'm such a mess and being misinterpreted as a weirdo. Maybe I am a weirdo, I don't know + +I feel so FUCKING.LONELY. + +I can have so much energy, have a bad thought and boom, I'm down for the count. + +I can't stand the mess my house is. I can't stand how hard it is for me to shower sometimes or focus on one thing rather than 80 things at once. + +I just need a break from my god damn brain.",Bipolar +50159,"New pdoc today I see a new one today bc my other one sucks and she spends only 5 mins with me over the phone and then charges my ins for a med visit and a therapy session. +I am not sure if I am even on the right meds. I take Wellbutrin 150mg, lamictal 150mg, zyprexa 2.5mg and Zoloft 50mg + +I am Aware of these being super low doses and I guess I need to go up on them. Or go on something better. + +The symptoms I feel are emotions all over the place, anger, talking a lot of shit and causing drama. Talking a lot in general, crying episodes but then fine and happy the next day. I guess this is a mixed episode. I also am struggling with cannabis addiction. Stressed beyond belief bc of my job / boss retaliating against me. + +Considering a medical leave from work. + +Looking for feedback and if someone relates to any of this?",Bipolar +50160,"How to live like this I’m just very lost right now. A few weeks ago my physical health took a major dive and I’ve been in and out of hospitals since. Along with my physical health went my mental health, and I’m really not doing well right now. Being depressed while also having to make doctors appointments and explaining my situation over and over again is not ideal to say the least. Not to mention I can’t work right now, and I’m probably going to have to quit my job (which i love) soon. I just don’t know how to live like this. It feels like this is all that’s left for me, and I don’t know how to push through it anymore.",Bipolar +50161,"Sleeping is boring? Preface: I’m diagnosed for 10 years but deemed stable enough so no treatment outside meds. + +So I don’t have someone else to ask this question to. + +I have been lazy on my medication lately (big mistake), but is anyone else really bored while sleeping while (hypo)manic? Like waking up is a relief? I only sleep for a few hours because of this. + +Just wondering if there’s anyone else, if it’s a symptom or if im just weird☺️",Bipolar +50162,"Sex and scars SH trigger warning + + +So I haven’t SH in like 5 months, but I have some pretty deep scars on my thighs, what do I tell someone if I’m hooking up with them and they see them. I’m really worried it a. Kill the mood b. Bring up a whole lot of stuff I know have to tell them. +I know this might seem like a weird question but I’ve been thinking about it since I stopped cutting",Bipolar +50163,,Bipolar +50164,"Trouble + +Trouble doesn't knock. + +I ask Trouble in.  + +Trouble sits patiently in the corner + +and waits. + +​ + +Oh, Trouble.  + +​ + +I serve you tea.  + +We have a nice conversation.  + +And you leave.  + +​ + +I'm a fucking coward. ",Bipolar +50165,"Im not creative anymore I was a really creative person, but nowdays its gone. I dont even daydream anymore. + +Does anyone experiencing the same? + +I can't draw anymore, write stories or poems. My brain feels empty",Bipolar +50166,,Bipolar +50167,"My mania just ended and I think im going to spiral soon I (25f) started my new job while I was manic and I made so many friends and I felt happy but then the monthish after I realized I was manic. I was drinking every day. I was.. a lot. But they loved it I think. I was fun. I was energy. + +Now I'm on the other side and the timing feels bad. I don't want people to start hating me again. It's not like they actually understand what bipolar is. I want to be more than who I am when im manic but I feel most myself and useful when I am. + +I've tried talking to 7 psychiatrists now, and 4 or 5 therapists. One, who specialized in c-ptsd and bipolar who was also a colored woman I was so excited about, she ghosted me. I don't want to recant my traumas anymore. I can't handle it. I feel like I'm in a whirl pool but I can't tell if it will pull me under or just keep spinning me and spinning me. Boats are passing by but im not drowning so why stop? + +I just need some kind words from people who hear me and not just listen and tell me to wait. I don't know what to do lol",Bipolar +50168,"Marrow You always hated my poetry, + +Just like you hate me, + +No more trying, + +Some things bother me so I whine, + +If you don’t like the ugliness of me I will put the shades down, + +Might be calmer, + +Probably merrier, + +Don’t want another hospital, + +Just shut it out, + +Bipolar equates to stupidity and a deficit, + +Take care, + +Be it Henan or the Midwest, + +I’m just exhausted and feel hollow, + +Like I have no marrow in my bones.",Bipolar +50169,"Just no more emotions Maybe not none, but just stuck in depression and sadness or extreme anger. I don’t really react to most things… unless it pisses me off. Idk whats wrong with me but I have never felt like this for so long. Like a few days or a week maybe, but I have been like this for a month and its scary. + +I have 1 day left at work (I quit) so hopefully things can get better. My job is definitely a majority of my issues. But my brain and my own bs is out of control.. I’m “stable” on meds but not really feeling great as of late. I did talk to the psychiatrist and changed a dose on my lamictal but not really doing better. I also started therapy a few months back have made a good connection, and had good sessions. + +But I’m stuck. No matter what I do. Try to live life, stick to a schedule, stay tidy and organized, eat well, go to work, exercise, go to therapy, take my meds, do ketamine infusions. Literally I do it all and I am just stuck. And its not pleasant.",Bipolar +50170,"Rapid cycling/unwell while on meds Psych diagnosed me with cyclothmia (bordering on BP2) and I began treatment for it on Feb 1st. + +Started on Lithium 450mg + Mirtazapine 15mg at night. At first I was super drowsy in the morning and throughout the day, which lasted about 2 and 1/2 weeks. + +March 7th increased to 30mg mirtazapine + one Lithium 450mg nightly and one in the morning. + +Final weeks of February and the present I feel like the 'mania' symptoms are returning; with daily crashes where I feel an overwhelming sense of self-doubt and anxiety about the future. + +I guess I am just posting this to see how others have experienced these meds and whether its possible to continue to experience ongoing/reoccurring symptoms whilst still being medicated. + +Sidenote; I also have ADHD (previously medicated but not currently taking anything) and it took longer than normal to write this post so sorry in advance if it is too vague.",Bipolar +50171,"I messed up my life I lost my job in December after going hypomanic, spent 7 thousand dollars within 3 months, and now I'm falling into a depression. I can't think of one thing I've done right in the past 4 months. I can't keep my house clean or get out of bed most days. I need a job now, but I don't have any idea how I'm gonna get one and keep one as I have physical health issues as well, so retail doesn't really mesh with me. I'm just so mad at myself and at my psychiatrist. Meds don't work even though I take them religiously. And it's not like i haven't found the right combo because I've been on and off meds for 15~ years. I was supposed to start something new, but my new psychiatrist hasn't called it in, and she won't respond to me. I'm just so done and all I want to do is wallow in self pity but i cant because I have a mortgage to pay and I spent all my damn money on something I barely have the energy to care for.",Bipolar +50172,Is it normal to not know if you’re in a hypomania episode or not? i think i’ve only been able to identify 1 episode of hypomania so far and that was months ago because it was prominent after a long period of a depressive episode. some days i randomly feel really good and energetic mixed with irritability but i can’t really tell if i’m hypomanic or not,Bipolar +50173,,Bipolar +50174,"The ""mask"" When depressed, does anyone else find themselves able, when necessary, to put on that ""mask"" that allows you to do life stuff? Left to my own devices I'm a ball of torment in bed. But when I HAVE to get up, I find myself inexplicably, convincingly interacting with people... It's like someone else takes over. As soon as I'm alone again, BAM, the darkness is back. I desire only to be back to being a bed-bound ball of torment once more.",Bipolar +50175,,Bipolar +50176,"Having difficulty connecting with others I've never had issues making friends growing up but ever since the onset of my illness, I've had trouble connecting with other people. I feel like an outcast around people and feel like others don't want to get to know me once they talk to me. A lot of times I'm very quiet around people because I don't know what to say. I just had a group project assignment at college the other day and I didn't say a word and just stared at my computer because I didn't have anything to say. I felt anxious and couldn't think with so many people in class talking out loud. I feel like a loser and I'm not sure if this is part of my depression/social anxiety but I hope I can connect with others one day like I used to.",Bipolar +50177,"Had 2nd episode, now, my 21& and 23 yo daughters cut me off and it hurts my heart so much to be estranged from them... Long story short went to the psych ward 2018 from a stressful episode and ended up in the psych ward + +Got divorced in 2018, +Two months I had a psychotic break because I've never financially supported myself ever and now I need to do it and I really don't know how + +😔😔😔 and now my two adult daughters have totally cut me off, and they were the light of my life!!! + + +Has anyone have this happened to them??",Bipolar +50178,"Emotional state question Question for y’all with BP2. Does anyone find their mood being all over the place sometimes? Like you feel fine one day, and then you’re depressed and can barely move the next and the next day you feel better? I’ve had this happening to me and I can’t figure out if this is normal?",Bipolar +50179,"Lost close friends because of my stupid decisions …testing people? Please someone relate to this. I told my friends that I do not like them, for some reason I was expecting them to say “why” , but they all replied with “I don’t like u too” etc. +Then one of them said “stop testing people it’s immature” +I somehow get what she means but why do I do this. I have the urge to cut everyone off, expecting them to come back to me but now I feel like sht",Bipolar +50180,"What do you do to cope with bipolar disorder in addition to taking your meds? What coping mechanisms have you come up with to help you deal with bipolar? + +I've realized that doing the following things helps me: + +1. Minimizing my alcohol intake - even two beers can send me into a depressive episode. +2. Finding a form of movement that I enjoy doing. For me it's stretching, yoga, and dancing. +3. Human interaction. I can't always stand it, especially when I'm in a depressive episode, but I try to force myself to spend time with friends who I know will be good company. +4. Taking my meds around the same time every day.",Bipolar +50181,,Bipolar +50182,"Birth control and BP medication I take 60mg Lurasidone and have been taking it for over a year. I just started taking 50mg of Lamotrigine and I was told it could cause my birth control to be ineffective and vice versa, that the lamotrigine could be less effective bc of the birth control. + +Do you take lamotrigine and have you found a birth control that is effective together? Or did you have to stop taking it? I’m on the pill (norethindrome) if that helps, but I am open to the idea of trying other contraceptives.",Bipolar +50183,"It’s been a little while since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II I'm a young girl in her 5th year of medical school that was diagnosed 7 months ago and I feel like this disease it's almost ending with my dreams, I've been having panic attacks and a lot of depression lately and some pairs of mine are bullying me now, they treat me like there is something wrong with me. I'm paralyzed, I don't know what to do, I take all my medicines, go to the therapist, and all of those things, but this is getting over me. + +I'm so tired of this...",Bipolar +50184,"Acne help? I've been on lithium and olanzapine for a few months, and I've developed bad acne and spots on my cheeks that I'm really self-conscious about. I used to have such clear skin. I use a benzoyl peroxide spot treatment and a salicylic acid face wash once a day. Anyone have other acne tips? My psychiatrist suggested I see a dermatologist, but I'd want to try something else first.",Bipolar +50185,"I have a problem with alcol So... I enjoy drinking but problem is lately I have less tolerance and get easily drunk. +I don't remember anything... I have memory loss +Plus when I'm super drunk I flirt a lot amd would kiss anyone... like last night but really I don't remember anything.. + +Maybe I became drunk faster because I took 2h before 450mg of lithium. And also because I drunk too fast. + +Problem is when I sober I feel disgusted to myself and full of guilt. +I feel so shameless and I just regret everything.",Bipolar +50186,Good tracking apps? I've been trying to find apps to track not just my overall mood but more so symptoms as I'm currently in a mixed episode. Every app I've installed asks you for your overall mood of the day but currently I'm going from 0 to 100 multiple times during the day and also experiencing symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. Does anyone know of any apps that will be good at tracking this?,Bipolar +50187,"Blood donation with BpD Hey guys, + +Blood transfusions are in an all-time low globally! +So please consider donating blood ^^ + +Since there are no international regulations on the criteria for donating wouldn't it be great if everyone here would tell their experience with it and if they are allowed? + + +So I will start: +I live in Germany, take Lamictal (Lamotrigin) and was allowed to donate normally, as long as the medication is relatively stable normally. + + +How was it with you?",Bipolar +50188,"Doubting diagnoses I’ve been diagnosed with a number of physiological disorders including bipolar, depression, anxiety, OCD, and I often feel like I’m lying about my problems or making it up. Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +50189,I'm disabled and bipolar I'm not getting the help I need but I don't really have anyone to reach out to. My siblings are happy healthy people who I'd rather not bother. My father is an alcoholic who can't take care of me anymore. I often think maybe it's time to throw in the towel. I can't even get my meds without help so is it even worth continuing? All these emotions and a body that barely works. I'm alright I'm not suicidal currently. I just don't care anymore. Maybe I just lay in bed and wait for eternity. Without anyone to rely on this just feels so unbearable.,Bipolar +50190,"Recovering from psychosis I recently had a bad manic episode which very quickly descended into bad psychosis. I’m thankfully coming out of it now and am under the care of the crisis team and getting daily home visits. + +However what I’m really struggling with is processing what’s happened to me. I have all these memories of the delusions I was having and how strongly I believed in them, and while I know now that they weren’t real (mostly, I still have flashes of confusion) I’m feeling really rocked by what’s happened. I can’t get over how quickly I lost my grip on reality and how dangerous it was. + +I know it’s normal to feel depressed after something like this, but I guess all I’m looking for is reassurance that I’m not alone with this, and that other people have gone through psychosis and come out the other side. + +Any anecdotes or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Particularly around what recovery was like and how long it took. Thank you.",Bipolar +50191,"On Moods and Mania I have been thinking a lot about this today and I just want to share some thoughts with you guys. It has been 18 years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That I live with this is no surprise to anybody who knows me. This disease is so much more nuanced than the typical ""extreme ups and downs"" description it usually receives. I have survived two absolutely devastating depressions, and approximately twenty manic episodes. +Attempting to describe what mania is like is the worst frustration. It happens gradually and then comes upon me like a brick to the face. First I stop sleeping, then the creativity comes. The blank page beckons to me the way freshly baked bread might entice the starving. It is soft at first, subtle even, but the persistent pen-to-page prevails and soon I am unable to make sense of, or even put into context, the hasty and paranoid puzzle of words. Grandiosity accompanies the writing, then the delusions come, and I believe that this puzzle of words is worthy of a Pulitzer. Other things happen too; reckless driving, substance use, rage, impulsivity, irrationality.... Ultimately I surrender to complete psychosis. Saying it is ""a lot"" is an understatement. +I have destroyed and lost relationships with family members and friends because of this illness. I have said and done unforgivable things. But it is my deepest wish that people understand that becoming manic is not a choice, it has happened to me whilst on medication and off alike. I would never choose it. +I'm simply reflecting on all of this today because earlier I read this: Bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span, and as many as one in five patients with bipolar disorder completes suicide. (National Institute of Mental Health). +That's the reality. It's my reality. I do not want to ever become a statistic and I want to live as full a life as possible. +Here is what I'm grateful for: I have an incredible support network. I have doctors and therapy. I have the most loving and supportive family and friends, ones who are able to look beyond my illness and recognize that I am not ""me"" in those manic moments. +And I am grateful for the ability to empathize with all those who struggle. We can do together what we could never do alone.",Bipolar +50192,"What if you were diagnosed and treated for bipolar 1 for 11 years, but you never actually had it? How would you react? Would be angry? Eleven years of med cocktails that never seemed to get it right, you eventually just give up feeling and take your 20mg of Olanzapine every morning because it this point you'd be much sicker from the withdrawal than on the meds themselves. Over a dozen sessions of ECT, no matter what memories stayed or are lost to time, you'll never forget the first of numerous times you were told that you were going to have this illness they handed to you, for the rest of your life. + +Thank you for reading. Writing this was a good vent.",Bipolar +50193,"i hate the way media depicts mania i (16ENBY) have been told i show signs of bipolar by multiple professionals. they can’t diagnose me since i’m young though. + +this made me analyze my behaviors and realize when i was manic. + +movies and shows make mania seem fun. it makes it seem like a drug. it can be fun. it can be euphoric. but it’s usually so unbelievably painful. it’s excoriating. + +when i told my friends i was probably bipolar they didn’t really bat an eye, they saw me being reckless and doing risky things and they thought it was fun. + +mania is so much anger. it’s such a deep anger, i can’t explain it and i’ve realized that’s a symptom and not everyone feels it. it’s such a trip. all the things i thought were normal were probably symptoms. + +my friends thought mania was fun, they saw movies of people going out and doing drugs, they saw me going out and doing drugs but when i explained what it’s like they were terrified. and they should be. this isn’t fun. + +bipolar isn’t fun. mania needs to stop being romanticized. your perception of reality shifts, you’re angry, and even more angry that no one can help you. you do reckless things because you just don’t care. you’re filled with so much self hatred and if the consequence isn’t immediate death than it doesn’t matter. + +it’s not fun. i can’t explain how un fun it is. it’s so unstable, you can’t control your emotions, it’s constantly changing. + +it reminds me of Vampire Diaries. when they’re in transition their emotions are magnified. it can be fun but they’re usually a mess, hurting themselves, being destructive, drinking, hating themselves. + +i’m not sure why i made this post. i feel cheated kind of? everyone makes mania seem so fun and crazy and like a movie but it’s scary.",Bipolar +50194,"Are those hallucinations? For a few months I've been having more paranoid moments, and they were followed by the feeling of seeing something moving in the corner of my eye. Sometimes I would see sudden movement on the very verge of my vision and it would freak me out, but after that I would always check the thing and it would be a charger slipping off the bed and such. The dark flashes (not the actual real moving stuff) would always leave me disturbed, but I always just freezed in shock and then I was able to rationalise it and calm down. +However, this week I was laying in bed with my partner and when I turned my face to the wall, in the shadow I saw a dark moving shape, like an animal or a black blob of darkness, crawling into the bed. My body immediately started screaming to the point of throat hurting afterwards, I was extremely terrified and scared about our safety. For the first time I was actually staring at something shadowy moving; it wasn't just a sharp movement in the corner of my eye, but something I could look at and it would still be looking absolutely scary. +Are experiences like this hallucinations? before I thought it was just paranoia (oh, I'm scared that someone would break into my flat, so I'm seeing more movements because I'm scared), but that was different. Do you also experience this?",Bipolar +50195,"Mania is changing with age I am 27 and have a 1.5 year old. I have found that my mania and hypomania is significantly different at this point in my life than when I was in my late teens and early 20s. Back then I gravitated towards dangerous and hypersexual things while manic. Nowadays I don't even have the same thoughts cross my mind. I feel hypomanic for sure right now and I find myself filling my calendar with volunteer opportunities and weekend events to take the kids (I'm a step mom too) to. And honestly I'm super grateful. I used to do the craziest stuff and it was dangerous and unwise. Now- I certainly am aware that I'm putting a lot on my plate right now, but it's all good stuff. I'm trying to lose weight, quit smoking, and find activities to be closer to the community and my kids. I feel like the change is both with aging and also becoming a mother really calmed me down overall.",Bipolar +50196,,Bipolar +50197,,Bipolar +50198,"Bipolar and dating Do you guys/gals tell people you’re dating that you’re bipolar? If so how early into the relationship? I imagine telling someone on the first or second date wouldn’t go over too well, but I also wouldn’t want to feel like I’m deceiving anyone. Just curious what other people think and their experiences",Bipolar +50199,"Nocturnal Panic Attacks? Anybody experience waking through the night to a panic attack? It happened to me twice last night. I can count on one hand the total number of panic attacks I’ve had in my life. Not real sure what that was about. Anxiety has been a problem for me, but not so much with the full-blown panic. Just curious of others who experience them, do they tend to happen in clusters? Do you get them during the daytime too?",Bipolar +50200,"Does anyone experience loss of appetite from Latuda? I started taking latuda about 7-8 months ago and everything’s been really great until now. It’s helped incredibly and I have had very very little side effects. I do want to say my anxiety has been higher recently too + +A couple months ago I started losing my appetite to where I’d only get hungry in the late afternoon or evening. About a week and a half ago it stopped all together and I’m struggling to eat. + +Now when I try to eat I feel so disgusted by food I’ll start gagging and have to spit out the food or else I’ll throw up. I’ve been living off ensure drinks and trying so hard to make myself eat in between + +I messaged my psychiatrist about everything that’s been going on and she said to see the doctor to rule out the flu. I went. Don’t have the flu. They did every blood test imaginable- everything came back great. I did a Covid test and that was negative. + +After telling my psych the updates she thinks it’s that I’m “not absorbing latuda effectively with my GI symptoms” I don’t think I fully understand what she means. She also suggested that I switch to Zyprexa / olanzapine instead of the latuda. + +I messaged my therapist today hoping for something else I guess and all she asked was if I started the zyprexa. + +Not eating is making me feel so weak and dizzy and I feel so sick all the time. I want to just eat normally again so bad. + +I’m just wondering if anyone else ever experienced anything like this with latuda?",Bipolar +50201,"Experiences with low dose antipsychotics? I take 50mg of seroquel every night for sleep and I am convinced it’s working as an antipsychotic as well! It’s the only antipsychotic I’m on. + +Has anyone else had a similar experience with a (very) low dose antipsychotic?",Bipolar +50202,Medication I haven't taken my medication in months because I lacked health insurance and could not find someone to sign off on prescriptions. I have insurance now and can afford my medication. Has any of you started medication after being off it for some time? What was it like? Should I be worried I'll have an episode?,Bipolar +50203,"oxcarbazepine gums bleeding side effect? So I’ve been on oxcarbazepine for a month now and I’ve had a lot of the side effects. Fatigue, low sodium, headaches, stiff joints, etc. most have been resolved by getting more sodium in but one side effect is that my gums are super sensitive or bleeding? It started like a week ago but when I brushed my teeth on day the bottom of my canine and some molars started bleeding. I floss regularly and suddenly they were super sensitive. +Does anyone else deal with this side effect and know if it improves? This medication is working really well for me but my gums do hurt a bit right now and I really hope they improve. + +I am on 300 mg of oxcarbazepine, 150 mg of Effexor xr, and have bipolar type 2.",Bipolar +50204,"Meds keep losing effect — is that normal? I'm awfully sorry if this question has been posted before, could find anything on this. Fellow bipolar 2 here. + +I've been on meds for more than a year now, 5 months of which I was on antidepressants only cus my doctor and I both thought it was depression (as is pretty common). Since I got diagnosed she put me on mood stabilizers+antidepressants. But I keep having to change meds altogether bc after 2-3 months they just stop working. + +I wonder, is that a normal thing? Or is it a sign that something's up with my diagnosis and/or treatment? Will appreciate all of your input.",Bipolar +50205,"Please Help: Months long delusion of abuse from manic episode - is this normal? Hey all, + +I was recently diagnosed bipolar 1 but am sitting in the tattered remains of my life, wondering how I could have believed what I did. + +I first felt symptoms of mania and intense narcissism this summer (I’m 28 yrs old). I had recently gone through a breakup with my partner of 6 years, had fallen in love with my female best friend (first queer experience) and she did not reciprocate my feelings, and my workload had become incredibly overwhelming. + +I started losing weight and hair, had a stress rash on my body and was experiencing fluctuating feelings between paranoia to believing the universe was speaking to me directly. + +But theres a delusion I am struggling with the most, that has left me feeling horrid and unforgivable. I believed my wonderful boss of 3 years had emotionally abused me, and was the reason I was experiencing mania and psychosis. I believed this so hard I convinced myself and my therapist/psychiatrist I had PTSD, and that my boss and workplace were all to blame. I told so many people this was what happened to me, because I truly believed it. I blocked my boss on everything and didn’t talk to her for 6 months. + +This January I finally looked back at the texts that I thought “proved” I was abused, and found nothing but support and concern from a woman who never did anything but treat me with respect. + +How the hell does this happen? Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Honestly I’ve been feeling suicidal since the realization- I got fired from my job for other mistakes I made while manic, but I don’t know how to tell I everyone I talked to that what I believed for the last 6 months was a total lie. + +Please help 😣",Bipolar +50206,"Imposter Syndrome and anxiety about learning more about this disorder Hi. This post could be triggering to others with imposter syndrome, so I want to start off by saying that these are my own anxieties, my goal here is to know if anyone else has felt this way and if they've been able to circumvent it. + + +I was officially diagnosed with BP2 by my psychiatrist in the fall, but had previously been diagnosed with a general mood disorder and major depressive disorder, and a suggestion of cyclothymia from a therapist. Bipolar 2 makes sense to me, it tracks with situations and periods of my life where I was feeling unnaturally confident and ""fun"" in a dangerous way, and more often, the periods where I've been unable to get out of bed or the house for weeks. + + +Still, I have this weird fear of learning more about Bipolar Disorder, because there's a part of me that fears that if I read about it in-depth, I might start mirroring symptoms that I don't usually experience. Sometimes this includes even browsing or participating in this sub and r/bipolar2. + +I think being medicated with varied success also plays into that, but I also think that's just a common bipolar experience: you find good meds and then you wonder if you're even bipolar. I feel that way when they work, but I keep on taking them. And then I will have breakthrough depression after years of being more stable on meds, and I wonder if it's a sign that I have something else wrong with me. + + +So, to those that have survived imposter syndrome... How? Is there a way to not be afraid to learn about your own medically diagnosed disorder... Or to just accept that I have this disorder, without constantly questioning myself?",Bipolar +50207,"Being bipolar and having big dreams. 😵‍💫 I recently found out that I'm bipolar and I've suffered from it for a long time. I tend to procrastinate too much, but sometimes I get focused on things that aren't so useful. I really want to go to university, but I'm afraid I won't keep it until the end. From being depressed lying in bed or hypomanic focused on other matters. Does anyone have any tips to help me? 😱",Bipolar +50208,"Bipolar Disorder and Incurable Stds Hi, I hope this is allowed here. Wasn't sure if I should post it here or somewhere else. It's kinda really hard to post this. + +So, I have bipolar mania. I haven't received treatment for it in years. I would love to eventually get treatment. I also am pretty sure I have an incurable STD. (Not asking for any diagnoses or anything.) + +Is it okay to ask if anybody else does too? I have this very strong feeling I'm not good enough to have friends or relationships because of all these things. ie to keep people safe away from me/no one wants to be around someone like that probably. This makes it easier when I'm having a depressive episode to push everyone away without thinking I'm doing so. I feel like just the thought makes my depressive episodes worse. + + Does anybody else feel this way? How do they get through feeling this way? I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I still deserve to have a good happy life and people that love me. Would you be friends with someone if you knew that they had an incurable disease?",Bipolar +50209,"Rationalising IDEATION Is suicidal ideation recognised as a symptom of bipolar or as a consequence of bipolar? +I tend to rationalize it as a symptom. And that helps to create separation between brain and person . What do you guys think , I'm coming onto lithium . Feeling alot of emotions ATM . Love you all x",Bipolar +50210,"Finally stabilized but... +I am finally stabile after half a year of searching for the right drug and dosage. However, what happens is that I feel that I do not function well verbally, I am too apathetic, asocial and in some situations it happens that I do not understand what people want to say to me or that I cannot express my thoughts (not always, but sometimes). Before the onset of the disorder, I was witty, more open to people, I expressed myself very well verbally, and some people considered me smart because of that trait. Now I feel that I am losing that quality and the question is how to solve these difficulties? What are your experiences with dialectical cognitive therapy?",Bipolar +50211,"Mourning over becoming stable? I've had BP1 what appears to be my whole life and saw all the chaos as just part of who I was and that was okay. Now that I've been working towards getting stable I've looked back and realised just how bad I've been and how bad I've hurt people (including myself). + +I've let go of the guilt now and im happy that I've committed to getting better for the future, but part of me feels sad with my brain feeling so quiet. I feel empty and boring and like what made me ""me"" is now gone so I'm having to relearn this healthier version of myself? It feels so scary for some reason. I also feel like I can't explain that to anyone who doesn't have what we have, partly brcause I don't want to as I feel like I should be happy that I'm doing so well and finally feel at peace. I hope this makes sense and I also hope that I'm not the only one that's going through/has gone through this. + +If you have, how can you make this easier :( I definitely won't give up on my meds/therapy for the sake of the people I love and my future, but it does feel so tempting to stop and go back to what feels familiar.",Bipolar +50212,,Bipolar +50213,"Bipolar and borderline I was diagnosed with BD 6 years ago, and received my BPD diagnosis yesterday. + +From what I get - from the internet - the major difference is that BPD alone does not experience mania, hence the BD diagnosis. + +Has anyone else in this sub been diagnosed with both? How would you describe it? How's life?",Bipolar +50214,"what does your depressive episode look/feel like? for me it feels like an entire lifetimes worth of depression, low self worth, is compressing itself into a few hours/days. i can’t stop crying, i can’t laugh, i can’t smile or anything. i feel nothing and everything all at once x10.",Bipolar +50215,"Bipolar and ADHD I’m curious as to how many people have both Bipolar and ADHD, do they go hand and hand? + +When I found out I had bipolar, I soon after ended up in the hospital, I was taken off of Adderall, claiming it’s not for people with bipolar. Well, it’s been months now on my bipolar meds and I’m still struggling to focus on anything. + +The other day I took Adderall from my backup stash and it’s the first time in months I had hope. So, last night I spoke to my new psych about it and she’s putting me on something else (can’t remember the name), but not Adderall. Here’s hoping it works. + +If you take Adderall, how does it make you feel? If you take something else for your ADHD, please tell me more.",Bipolar +50216,"Dr. Seuss Style Bipolar Story Once in the land of Whippety-Woo, +Where the Squibberpops squibbered, and the Flobberjops flew, +A creature named Zeebie lived high in a tree, +Where it twisted and twined in a squiggly spree. + +Now Zeebie was special, you see, my dear friend, +For the way he would feel seemed to twist and to bend. +Sometimes Zeebie would zip and would zoom, +Like a rocket ship blasting straight past the moon! + +""I'm on top of the world!"" he'd exclaim with great cheer, +Bouncing high on the clouds, without any fear. +He'd giggle and wiggle and dance all day long, +Singing sweet Zeebie songs in a voice loud and strong. + +But there were days when Zeebie felt quite the opposite, +His energy vanished, as if swallowed by a Glopit. +He'd mope and he'd grope for the light in the dark, +His once-sparkling eyes now a mere flickering spark. + +The creatures of Whippety-Woo began to see, +That Zeebie's behavior was not as it should be. +They'd all gather 'round, full of worry and care, +But their words couldn't lift him from his deepest despair. + +One day, as Zeebie lay down in the shade, +A wise Flippety-Flop hopped along and displayed, +A great book of wisdom, with secrets so grand, +It could help Zeebie balance and finally understand. + +""You see, my dear Zeebie,"" the Flippety-Flop said, +""It seems that your feelings are not in your head. +A thing called Bipolar has made you this way, +But I'm here to help, so please don't dismay!"" + +The Flippety-Flop opened the book with a grin, +And as they read, Zeebie's eyes widened within. +He learned of the ups, of the downs, and the swings, +And how he could manage these challenging things. + +""Take time for yourself, dear Zeebie,"" it said, +""Find comfort in quiet, and rest your sweet head. +When you're feeling quite high, try to harness your glee, +And channel your energy through art, dance, or a spree."" + +""And when you're feeling quite low, in a pit of despair, +Please remember, dear Zeebie, that we'll all still be there. +Reach out to a friend or a Whippety-Woo, +For they'll help you get through, and they'll see you pull through."" + +As Zeebie absorbed these new lessons so wise, +He wiped away tears that welled up in his eyes. +The Flippety-Flop smiled and patted his back, +Then hopped off into the sunset, his bag tightly packed. + +With new tools in hand, Zeebie set out to try, +To find balance and peace beneath the bright sky. +He'd still have his ups, and he'd still have his downs, +But he knew that his friends in the Whippety-Woo town, Would always stand by him, through thick and through thin, No matter how high or how low he'd begin. +For Zeebie was loved, and he'd always be so, +A creature with feelings, and a heart that would grow. + +So remember, dear reader, this story so true, +When life gets you down, or your feelings construe. +There's always a way to find balance and peace, +In a world full of love, where friendships won't cease. + +*This story was AI generated.",Bipolar +50217,"So it's back So for a few weeks I've been wondering if I was going on a hypomanic episode. Ive been diagnosed bp 2 a year ago and since medicated, found a combo that works for me since november 22. Before that it was either really depressed and a bit of mixed and latest major hypomanic episode in summer 2021. + +So it had been a while and the thing is, I'm still very slow and sleep a lot, but compared to before when I slept 10-12 hours a night every 24h now I still sleep 10-12h but I stay awake 24h+ multiple times a week. + +Last friday I went to my psychiatrist and he asked me if I had any hints of impulsivity that could indicate hypomania, specifically spznding, sex and substance abuse (ya know the usual menu). +And I thought about it for a moment (in retrospect I was making up excuses that would make things logical) and then said no, just spending but for necessary stuff. + +And here I am exactly a week later, wearing one of my two new wigs that arrived from aliexpress yesterday (I had only bought one super cheap one before), been smoking weed since monday and unpacking my new dildo in my newly fairyland garden themed decorated kitchen. Oh also received 150 bucks worth of beauty products (I've never done skincare before in my life except sheet masks and face creams from aldi). +For clarification I bought it all before seeing my psychiatrist and smoking again. + +How could I not see it??? +And im still doubting it while also having a super intense and insane to the point it's and unhealthy crush on someone ?? + +Who am I kidding...",Bipolar +50218,"Psych is leaving. As the title says my psych is leaving the company she works for. My last appt was 3 days ago and she told me to reschedule and gave me new doses for my meds without saying anything about quitting. + +Now Idk what to do. I had built a rapport with her. Now I have to start over. Smh. + +This sucks and I don't want to relapse.",Bipolar +50219,"Feeling like giving up. **Trigger warning:abuse,suicidal** + +This is really just a rant since I have no one to talk to and I'm tired of emotion dumping on the couple friends i have left. +It's been awhile since I've hit depression this hard. At one point I had a car, a full time job, my own place, a boyfriend and friends. I sold my car last year during mania. I struggle to find a job that works for me or i dont run away from so I have very little money now. (I'm looking for work again). I live at home with family and now my abusive,erratic, alcoholic brother has moved in. I'm scared for my safety but I have no where else to go. Last year I got a peace order on him out of fear and didn't have to worry about him coming by but my family lashed out on me for it and threatened to put me out if I didnt take it off. My mom let's me use her extra car that she told me she'd give me but changes her mind every other week or when shes angry. Shes let me live with her and help out with the house for some years not but shes tired of me and how I cant ever finish what I start. Or how I hyperfixate on things but haven't made any money. She gets verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and in the past when this happens I leave but now I have no where to. This week I've been taking the car and doing everything I can to make some progress. I even made an appointment with a new therapist and filled out job applications. I'm not on medication or anything. Yesterday it hit me I've been crying on and off now since last night. I feel helpless and alone. My brother moving in is the last of all I can take. I feel like I put up a solid fight but idk what I'm pushing for now. I've literally ruined my life.",Bipolar +50220,"New med, who dis? (advice please) After 8 years, I'm back in the saddle trying new meds. What advice do you have? + +What I remember from last time: +- plan nothing for the first few days +- don't expect to be able to drive +- read nothing about side effects +- stockpile couch activities (shows, movies, games)",Bipolar +50221,"do you get triggered easily? sometimes the smallest things set me off, a change in tone, the smallest little hurtful thing makes me feel absolutely crazy. triggered a depressive ep or destructive ep, and it's getting progressively harder to manage. +anyone else?",Bipolar +50222,"Just diagnosed? I saw my psychologist this Monday after going what felt like through a tornado of emotions of the weekend, I was so happy one minuet and then crying the next and getting upset and then excited. I told her about how usually this lasts for a few weeks and then I can’t get out of bed only to walk my dogs or do the bare minimum. She said that I had bipolar and my whole world stopped….like I just thought I was always just an “intense” person who felt a lot…I’ve never felt like I was superhuman or had the sort of manic episodes I’ve seen on TV…I’m just really surprised.",Bipolar +50223,,Bipolar +50224,"What songs hit your soul? Was discussing music on another post, it makes me wonder…. which songs do you listen to when you’re in the depths of this illness? Or experiencing the highs? I always love music suggestions. I’ve found the best artists this way. Share with me lol! + +One song I sing loudly in the shower is 1x1 by Bring Me The Horizon. The lyrics remind me so much of what I go through.",Bipolar +50225,"Am I triggering my own episodes intentionally, or is this all just one giant episode? Mania is exciting. +When it comes , I embrace it. but am I refusing to let it go because I feel in control? +But am I really, or is this just a delusional sense of stability? + +Will we ever really know if we can trust all of our emotions and comprehension? + +Baffled by life. Constantly.",Bipolar +50226,"to PHP or not to PHP I went through a hypomanic/ mixed episode for the past two and a half weeks that came to a head on Wednesday, resulting in SI. I’m no longer experiencing the SI and had a med change, but was asked if I’d be open to a PHP. Today I received the intake phone call, and they want me to start next Wednesday. +If my existence within the bipolar lens is continuously cycling and from stable to unstable—if I’m no longer experiencing the SI do I still participate in the PHP? I don’t currently have any providers other than my psychiatrist, which is definitely an issue. I’m also worried about taking the time off work because I have a big project due soon and my colleague is out. +All in all, it’s only 5-7 days so do I do the one thing I have been putting off for years because of school and career, or do I put myself first and participate? Is it worth the time, effort, and disappointment of my boss, knowing that I’m going to cycle for the rest of my life?",Bipolar +50227,"So frustrated with myself... I was just diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago, even though for the last 10 years I've been telling them that I thought I was. I have manic episodes but they only last a couple days, then I go straight back into depression. When I am depressed I completely withdraw from society and go into my shell. I won't answer the phone or texts, and I avoid doing any tasks because of a complete lack of motivation, and some sort of fear about dealing with things that might be unpleasant. + + I'm on short term disability from work for this and an autoimmune disease, and I need to turn in papers by March 23rd from my doctor ir else they will not approve my claim. I've been laying here in bed for days, not bathing, and in this cycle of not doing the paperwork but then feeling guilty about it, and its fucking miserable. + +I know that avoiding the paperwork is only causing me to make the anxiety and problem worse, but even the thought of likely losing my job isn't enough to overcome the lack of motivation. I'm about to call my doctor and ask about a change of med dosage. I guess I just wanted to vent to someone that might understand what I'm going through.",Bipolar +50228,"GoodRx vs. insurance I’ve been using GoodRx for some time now, and I’m so glad I found it. Some of my meds cost hundreds of dollars, with an insurance discount of 60% — but under $10 with GoodRx. Back when I took Seroquel, the out-of-pocket rate was about $700, with insurance $280, and with GoodRx $20. + +Medication costs have absolutely gone through the roof, even with employer plans. But for meds that offer generic, the cost is ridiculously less expensive with the app! + +Mom’s oncologist prescribed her an anti-nausea medication, and I texted him to ask if there was a less expensive option considering CVS wanted to charge me $220 for a month’s supply. He was livid! He said CVS had been charging the old-brand name price for the generic for not only that med, but several others that his patients had informed him of. He advised me to download the GoodRx app, and I paid $10. + +Just sharing as an FYI, as I’m on multiple meds that I used to pay way more than I should have been previously!! All mine are under $20, and only one is over $10. I’d be paying close to $1,000/month otherwise!",Bipolar +50229,"Cannabis & Bipolar Disorder When I first started using cannabis it was clear it didn't jive with my mental health disorder. + +Once I got stabilized I reintroduced cannabis and it's been a really great thing for my routine. I know that 70% of bipolar people have issues with it, but I really like it. + +It's fantastic for me but I feel guilty for using it with bipolar? People act like if you use cannabis while bipolar you're going to act like you're on PCP or some crazy shit. + +Should I be feeling guilty because I use cannabis medically? Is there some extreme danger I don't know about? I'm so much higher functioning now, I can socialize again and finish projects and not sleep 500 hrs from depression. It's definitely not right for everyone, but it's helping me so much. Anyone else have this experience?",Bipolar +50230,"I don’t know what is wrong with me i feel so lost in the world and i’ve been cutting off a lot of friends, feeling mentally and physically exhausted, not eating as much, crying and relapsing way more. + +it sucks feeling this way and my mother keeps yelling at me about my college grades even though i’m trying my hardest, both my parents and other family members keep telling me i’m not doing enough or i’m not even trying. and it makes me feel so sad because i don’t even feel like my old, smart self anymore. i just feel like a shell of someone who used to have dreams and actually even smile. + +i just want to be happy but every day seems to be piling and piling up and so are suicidal thoughts. every day more and more thoughts flood my mind and it’s been getting unbearable in a way. i am not certain if i would ever act on them, i want to say that i wouldn’t, but i can fully 100% say that. + +and i feel invisible, nobody at school cares if i show up. my family and relatives treat me like an alien. my crush has been dry with me, and i feel like i could run out in the street and just scream and nobody would even bat an eye. + +i just feel so tired and lonely.",Bipolar +50231,Mixed episodes are worse than mania or depression. I believe I’m in my first true mixed episode and I have to say I think I rather just be depressed or manic. Being both at the same time is driving me insane. One day I’m signing myself up to go out and be social and the next I’m wondering why I ever thought that was a good idea in the first place. I hate it. Suicidal this hour and then normal a couple hours later. I just had to rant because it feels like I have 10 different people inside my head and I’m not sure which one I’m waking up with each morning. Anyone relate? I’m on Vraylar currently and just started Buspar for anxiety.,Bipolar +50232,,Bipolar +50233,"what do you think are the most annoying things about how people view bipolar? As a teen who got diagnosed with bipolar on the first year of high school, I found that there's a huge negative stigma surrounding bipolar between some of my friend groups and my school as well. + +So I just want advice on 2 things: + +What are some common misconceptions/things that you find annoying when people say it + +And what can I do to address it?",Bipolar +50234,I think I’m heading into depressive psychosis So I’m in a depressive episode today. It’s bad. I have nowhere to be so this was a good time for it. However I’m trying to reach out to people to work through it and no one is responding. My delusion rn is that they all aren’t responding on purpose and they want me to die. I don’t know what to do. It’s just me and my dog rn and I can’t find my headphones so I can’t take him on a walk without worrying about things getting worse because I’m alone with my thoughts.,Bipolar +50235,"I have moments when I’m deeply unhappy and I don’t know how to cope. I have things/people in my life that I am grateful for. But I’m deeply unhappy. + +I have goals, but they seem unattainable. I know what I have to do to feel more satisfied, more fulfilled but it really seems like an uphill battle. + +I need to lose a lot of weight that I gained because of meds and overeating due to stress, trauma, and fucked up hunger cues from the meds. I need to get a better paying job so I can afford to live on my own and not live paycheck to paycheck or work a part time in addition to my full time. + +Then I have my grander goals like grad school, getting married and starting a family, moving up in my career. + +I’m just so deeply unhappy with where I currently am and how hard I have to work on top of managing my mood swings. So much so that I frequently contemplate just giving up on being alive at all. + +I had to put my dog to rest this week and the week leading up to it and this week, I’ve pretty much let my routine go. I don’t shower frequently enough, I don’t do my skincare, I don’t eat well (but I’m still not losing weight), I barely manage 20-30 min of exercise which my partner so “helpfully” points out is not enough if I’m serious about losing weight. And every meal I skip, my mother cheers me on because I “have fat to sustain [me] anyway.” + +I feel close to a breakdown. I want to give up so badly. I’m what high functioning looks like. Miserable and barely holding on.",Bipolar +50236,"My psychotherapist and my psychiatrist are almost sure I'm bipolar After long three weeks of depression and a total sudden mood elevation that's been going on for a week now, my psychotherapist and my psychiatrist - and actually most of my loved ones, who aren't healthcare workers, even - all think that I have bipolar type 2. My psychotherapist sent me links to educate myself on the topic and now I feel completely UNDERSTOOD? I feel like now much much much of my crises actually make SENSE now?! I thought it was just normal in MDD to have sudden peaks of good mood, uninhibition, hypersexuality, agitation, euphoria, insomnia, energy, you name it. I thought it was normal for people with it, but now as I'm reading about bipolar everything make sense now????!!!!!! I'm so happy to (probably) have found one of my diagnoses, but it is also a lot to unpack and I'll be needing to so some work with myself to stop gaslighting my own thoughts and understand that it's all okay. I've posted about what's going on with my mental health in social media and actually found out that a LOT of my friends and colleagues are bipolar as well, and they understand me so much. At first I was sad because I thought there was no one I could talk to that would understand what I was going through, but speaking what's on your mind can actually help you even reconnect (as I did) with old friendships. I feel a lot more in peace now, and I don't even got a diagnosis yet, but I understand now that what happens with me is common and I'm not alone. Today is my 3rd day with the change of my meds from a MDD treatment to a bipolar one. Still quite hypomanic but I'm positive that everything's gonna be alright in the end. :)",Bipolar +50237,"sometimes i feel like im just fine does anyone ever feel like they just don’t even have bipolar anymore. i know i do and it’s never gonna go away and the way i’ve been feeling is literally me BEING BIPOLAR but sometimes i feel the same way for so long that i just feel like it’s gone. i’ve been in what feels like a constant depressive episode since august even though i know i have had bouts of mania or psychotic episodes but i just feel like they didn’t last as long or weren’t as severe as they usually are. i got my meds upped around the time the mania calmed down so i know it’s a good thing but i can’t help but feel like it’s bad. it’s not that i don’t want to be better it’s just that im so used to feeling insane constantly and i feel like now that everything has calmed down a little it feels like it’s just over. i’ve been so depressed since november that it’s so hard for me to get out of bed and take care of myself at all most days and i hate it. i also hate how fast i switch up and how i go from laughing and feeling normal to being extremely angry and crying. that’s another thing, i feel like i’ve developed these huge anger issues and i’ve been lashing out and being so mean to everyone for no reason. i have such a hard time verbally apologizing so it makes me feel even more like shit. i feel like im never going to be able to live a normal life or like genuinely feel better and have it last lol. i feel like i can’t handle or cope with anything the way i used to and i’ve just become so mad at the world. i havent self harmed since last summer and i know it’s a huge achievement but sometimes i feel like it was keeping me grounded in a way. idk if anyone else ever feels like that. i just hate being stupid",Bipolar +50238,"Can you hear other voices in your head? I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder around 4 months ago and since then I have been doing some research. + +I can hear a couple of voices in my head, they are always making fun of my choices or telling me jokes. I do not know any other people with bipolar disorder and sometimes I feel like i was miss diagnosed. + +Can you hear voices as well? + +Btw English is my second language please do not judge me hehe. + +Thanks in advance.",Bipolar +50239,"pregnancy my fiancé and i are planning on starting IUI treatments to have a baby this summer and i wanted to know peoples experiences with pregnancy and postpartum while having bipolar 1 since i don’t have anyone to ask. one of my main concerns is having to go off of my meds (i take oxtellar and latuda) and even though i haven’t had a bad manic episode in a few months, i know how bad they can get and i’m scared going off will trigger even more severe psychosis or psychotic episodes. i just wanted advice on if anyone stayed on medication while pregnant and if it was okay, or if you went off and how it went for you? and how you felt after you gave birth, because i’m scared of having bad postpartum depression or postpartum mania. i know there’s nothing you can really do to prevent it, but if anyone has any tips or advice on anything or even just being a parent with bipolar, i would love to hear from you and your experiences!",Bipolar +50240,"Disability Hi all I just wanted to announce that I’m applying for disability for the first time. Was just looking for anyone to shed some light on this process and tell me the good, the bad, the ugly. Thanks in advance",Bipolar +50241,"What to do to get a psychiatrist? I (28F) had a psychiatrist in the hospital when I was admitted in December. They put me on the aristada shot and sent me on my way. I don't know how to get back in contact with them or how to get a new psychiatrist (I'm in Maryland). + +I have been having tremors in my body and anhedonia. I may have missed my second shot by a week. I just want a psychiatrist to tell me what to do next. I have a nurse practitioner for meds and a primary care physician who gave me the second shot. + +Thank you all for your help.",Bipolar +50242,"I hate having bipolar I almost impulsively quit my job without anything lined up. I was beyond stressed out, and put in a two weeks during an episode. Once the episode passed and reality started to hit me, I went to my boss and explained myself. Luckily, he's a really chill boss, and after talking a bit, we decided to come to an agreement about lessening my workload to help ease the stress I feel at work. But, y'all, this disorder is no joke. I almost put myself in a very bad situation. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I hate how this disorder can quickly mess up my life if I'm not careful.",Bipolar +50243,Can’t sleep Noctamid 2mg does nothing to me 😪 I’m tired of trying these sleeping pills. They either make me feel like a zombie the next day or nothing at all. Anyone w experience? (Lormetazepam),Bipolar +50244,"Impulse control Hey everybody, + +I am currently struggling with impulse control about my weed and alcohol abuse. I'm on medication currently. I want to know which medicines help you in impulse control. I'm prescribed Escitalopram 10mg in day and Valproate CR 750mg at night. Tho I'm right now using way less VS when I was not on medication.",Bipolar +50245,bipolar is so metabolic they are going to take this down because they want us to have all our problems solved by pills. everything I want to say about what happened to me and other people is being covered up by big money hungry corporations.,Bipolar +50246,"How do I accept that I’m bipolar? I just can’t get it out of my head that I’m not. + +But this past January I: + +-thought I was an Aztec chased by jaguars and loved the feeling of fighting for my life. It was exhilarating. + +-thought the Starbucks mermaid lady was laughing at me and that walls were moving. Also heard some voices. + +-walked through puddles in the rain and got my clothes and shoes sopping wet because I thought I’d be reincarnated as a mentally healthy person + +-saw cameras where there were none + +-thought people on the bus were plotting to kill me + +-thought an escalator was gonna eat me + +-kept dissociating + +-pretended to eat my fingers like they were chicken tenders, looked in the mirror and thought my mouth was full with my fingers and laughed at myself, then I was horrified. + +-in my head was thinking “I must grab the skin and scooped it out” and realized I was picking at my face and stopped myself + +-overall I was unstable for around 2 weeks + +-was incredibly depressed for around a month afterwards + +But I was able to reality check. I was very agitated but I worked okay and hid the symptoms successfully and let myself enter the other world when I was alone. I don’t remember how sleep went but it wasn’t bad. I took myself to the hospital when I almost walked into traffic bc I was dissociating badly and terrified by the mix of suicidal/self-destructive thoughts and intense glee. But I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and then later at a php another psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis? + +And these past four days I’ve had unbearable amounts of energy. Rock climbed for hours. Disappeared in music to the point that I forgot I was listening to music and the noises scared me. Everything feels so good. It feels good on my fingers to type this. I can feel the energy of cars passing by. I can feel the patterns of tree branches. Also irritated with other people at points (they talk too slow!). Have had trouble sleeping and feel fine. Felt connected to the universe. Felt funny in my head. I’m on lithium so I’m self aware and I don’t get as many bizarre thoughts as I did the first time around. + +But I don’t get the urge to buy things. On this subreddit people say they buy things but I don’t do that. And now Im beginning to feel a bit of sleepiness and mania has to last seven days to be mania, doesn’t it? I feel like I’m faking it. I see some symptoms align with bp but I’m thinking of stopping my medication and then I’ll see if this is truly mania/hypomania. I just don’t know. + +How do you know you’re not faking it?",Bipolar +50247,"considering dropping out of school. everything is just too much lately. i am doing so bad. i am so suicidal, depressed, and just feel terrible all around. i’ve been doing so many things that are bad for me lately like sh, skipping meds, and drinking when i have an illness that is triggered by alcohol. i’m probably about to end up in a mental hospital again and school is just too much for me to deal with on top of everything else. i am constantly so stressed out about my school work and grades and it is making my mental health so much worse. all i want to do is drop out, i just can’t do it anymore. life feels like way too much. i wish i was dead.",Bipolar +50248,"Hello I feel like I’m going insane, nobody wants to see me or listen to me. I feel like crying myself to sleep, I don’t have any intention to harm or hurt myself but I just feel lonely. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe don’t know but I told my friend I wanted to hang out today and he said he was busy with homework which is understandable I guess. But, why do I feel like he’s going to avoid me forever? I’ve had so many people leave my life because of this stupid bipolar disorder they think I’m insane. I’m just mad at myself, I feel like this is going to be read as “Calm down, you’re overreacting.” But I feel like breaking down, today was supposed to be good I ate with my mom at a restaurant together but now I feel horrible.",Bipolar +50249,"How many meds have you tried? Sometimes I feel like it's a merry go round. I've been on so many that I've lost count. Off the top of my head Lithium, Ambien, Trazadone, Risperdal, Depakote, Temazepam, Seroquel, Perphenazine, Zoloft, Abilify, Wellbutrin, currently on Latuda. I'm sure there's others but just don't remember them. I've had side effects from the majority of them. + +Lithium destroyed my thyroid and caused me to gain weight rapidly, Risperdal made me incredibly stiff in the mornings where it was hard to get out of bed, Zoloft made me yawn for zero reason constantly, Seroquel made me aggressive and hard to wake up. + +So far Latuda has been pretty good no side effects that I can think of other than the gagging when I saw the retail price.",Bipolar +50250,"Just got diagnosed yesterday Imagine my surprise when I go into my psych appointment expecting to get diagnosed with ADHD and getting diagnosed with bipolar instead :’/ I was prescribed Vraylar and I’m honestly terrified of taking it. I’ve read the side effects and damn, it makes me so anxious and sad and mad that I was even diagnosed. I honestly don’t even know if my diagnosis is right? I don’t really experience mania as I’ve seen other people describe it. Idk, im feeling pretty down and don’t know what to do, im considering not even taking my meds but I’ve heard that you should absolutely take your meds if you have BD, idk, anything might help",Bipolar +50251,"Hallucinations My hallucinations are far and few. When they happen it scares the shit out of me. How many of you experience them? Mine are mainly auditory. If I'm in a paranoid state I see figures in the corner of my eye but as soon as I turn no one is there. I've had one physical one a few years ago. I was driving and I felt someone grip my left shoulder. The only one in the car was my sleeping toddler strapped in his carseat. Tonight I thought I saw a blanket on my couch move, and I heard specifically clear as day, my fb messenger ding four times. Checked them, nothing. No spam, no requests, no calls. I'm petrified of this getting worse. They only seem to flare up when I'm under intense stress.",Bipolar +50252,"I Am Worried I Actually Don't Want to Get Better Hi everyone, + +I have been seeing the same therapist for almost two months now. While I think we are working well together, I am getting the feeling that I am repeating myself every session. + +I just can't help but overthink my whole life. This tends to obsessively question my career, constant negative self talk, and occasional suicidal ideation (although I could never take action, so its mostly more self torture). I'm eating maybe 1 to 2 meals a day, inconsistently showering, never doing laundry, and so lethargic that I mostly just lay down and watch tv/YouTube whenever I get home from work. I don't take walks, I don't try to think positively, I don't really exercise, I don't practice gratefulness, etc etc. I feel like a loser, but the thing is...I don't make any effort to change or feel better. + +My therapist keeps clearly telling me this rumination is simply not beneficial. I know this is true, but it feels impossible to stop. I can't feel better without taking action (again, total agreement with my therapist), but taking action is so hard. Its getting to the point where I am thinking I am comfy in my misery. I no longer have hypomanic phases thanks to medication, but at least when I was hypomanic I was putting in effort to better myself. This nonstop depression is so consistent, I am beginning to hypothesize that its not really depression, but me continuously self sabotaging myself and always blaming it on something external. + +Can anyone relate? Would you say this is just more negative rumination or overthinking? If not, how does one shake the refusal to take action for their own sake?",Bipolar +50253,"Manic for 6 months ending up in jail where I had a suicide attempt. 38m. February 2022, I finalized my divorce. I had been trapped in a dysfunctional marriage for 7 years. During those years, I was incredibly stable, but incredibly over medicated. Towards the end when things were at their worst, I was alone self medicating with alcohol. During those years, I was on Venlafaxine, Seroquel, and Lamotragine. + +In February, with a fresh start to life, I started exercising and eating better. I stayed away from my phone and computer, and I would go out and socialize. I started looking better and feeling better. Knowing the side effects of the meds, I started tweaking the dosages. Seroquel in particular is incredibly sedating, so I thought I could go down a natural route, managing my bipolar with healthy stress management. I saw improvements. I had more energy, my rest was better. I kept lowering the dosages and kept seeing improvements with my mood and energy. I was aware of the risk of mania, so I was very acute in getting enough sleep, and if I needed to, I would use seroquel more as a PRN. + +Fast forward to June, and this slope lead me to a path where I was completely off all medication. I was making strides in all areas of my life. In particular, my relationship with my daughter. We were having a blast and an incredible start to the summer with my motivation and optimism for life. All while this was happening, I was keeping watch on my mania, never denying that it could pop up at some point. + +It would be about when July hit that the first occurrences of mania became apparent in retrospect but wasn't obvious or out of control at the time. It was the beginnings of losing touch with reality. Passing interactions with other people, I would sometimes get a hint that I had a larger purpose. But they were fleeting and rare, so I didn't take notice. + +By the end of July, I was semi-regularly battling against these thoughts that the strangers I would come across would be part of a conspiracy, and that there was some purpose behind their being there. I was in conflict with myself. 90% of me didn't believe it, and thought it was ridiculous, 9% thought that it was my duty to be humble with getting recognition and attention, and 1% was feeding into the delusion. + +By the end of August, I was getting exhausted with the notion of being at the center of everything. I hated the idea that I had to be studied, admired, and protected. I ""knew"" that something was happening on the outside world, and I didn't know if I was seen as a reconciler of religion, science, and all cultures. I was seen as the person to bring the whole world together and the inspiration of a movement that could potentially solve any problem. It was seen as the opportunity for aliens to finally make their presence known. + +By the end of September, I knew there were reasons that ""the movement"" couldn't directly come to light to me, and I being in a sort of partnership with the movement, I started giving my personal belongings away. I would donate my clothes, my coin collection, my golf clubs, my old baseball glove, and most of my other stuff. It was my belief that each item would go to a person in need, and every item would be cherished by someone. I sort of expected to get something in return, but never did of course. Or if I did, I stole it thinking I was meant to steal it. I was also writing and doing art at this point, which I was also leaving behind on purpose in public places. + +When October rolled around, I quit my job because when the world was following me, I saw my job as a way for me to feel normal for a while. I didn't want to give up my old life, but I had a higher calling. It would have been around October 24th when I was completely exhausted from all of this. I couldn't handle the pressure. I couldn't handle the fact that most of me still didn't believe this shit, but that brainwashing-propaganda-part-of-the-brain that kept feeding me these thoughts, I was exhausted fighting that all those months. + +I had the idea to go find some weed. I never smoked it before in my life. So, I went to a vape store and asked if they had anything that could get me high. They gave me a canister and a battery. I didn't look at it or do any research because with everything being planted and all information to my phone being filtered, there was no point. I went home, and smoked it. I went into a panic immediately. Thinking I was going to die, I called an ambulance. They came but they didn't seem too concerned when they got here. I was getting frustrated because they weren't taking this ""emergency"" seriously. + +I was out of my mind psychotic. I fell to the floor ""devolving"" from a human to a werewolf, to smaller and smaller mammals up to and including being a microorganism. I remember ""going offline"" and coming back online a few times. I remember seeing a coordinate graph where the line kept splicing off the edge, and it felt like I kept dying. It felt like I was shedding timelines where I actually died there, but I kept surviving in this one. I remember being in the bed in the ambulance with the EMT, and he would turn from male to female, and I wrestled with the idea of ""male"" and ""female"" at the most abstract level (almost like properties of the universe). I remember re-living my life organized in different ways, and coming back to the EMT each time, thinking that this is the infinite cycle of existence. I have only small fragments after that, but apparently I had a ""freak out"" moment in the hospital, and they saw it as me being aggressive to one of the personnel. I was arrested, handcuffed, and brought to jail, charged with a felony, simple assault on emergency personnel. + +In jail, my parents were not willing to bail me out without being on meds. The jail system here is completely dysfunctional, and there's basically no mental health support, so there was no way for me to get on my meds. After about 3 days living in an open dorm situation, the other inmates took notice of my behavior and obvious mental health issues. They're bored and destructive people, so they preyed on my mental weakness, and I stayed strong as best I could. I can't go into every thought I had, but there was a night that I thought my family was kidnapped and were being tortured and murdered one by one. The inmates were feeding the thoughts, and when it got to my daughter, I couldn't hear anymore. I went into the bathroom, got as high as I could (about 8 feet), jumped, and pushed off the ceiling trying to land my head on the concrete. I didn't lean back far enough and landed on my spine. The pain was intense and I threw up the shampoo, soap, and cleaner that I drank about an hour earlier. I shit my pants and was writhing in pain. The officers rushed in to check things out. I pleaded for them to shoot me telling them it will save my daughter. I kept begging them to do it. They told me to get up. Walking to suicide isolation, I felt reassured that what I did put an end to them murdering my family. I was in suicide watch for 20 days, which, if someone weren't suicidal, would make someone. I had no clothes but a velcro towel, and I had to shit in a hole and smash the turd down with my foot so it would go through the bars. I couldn't have more than a few squares of toilet paper. Nothing to read. My bed was the concrete. I'm not complaining because it is what it is. It's jail and I was there. But what was the worst part is the back pain lying on the concrete. No position felt good, it was simply finding the least painful position and last as long as I could before that became too much, and just keep shuffling to find something that's tolerable for just a moment. + +After 28 days, there were enough people who got involved that I was finally able to get released on bail with a treatment order. I got back on my meds, and I've been on them since. I've slipped into a real bad depression. The charges were dropped 10 days ago. I'm resuming my job search (it's impossible to find a job with 'assault' on your record). The arrest itself can still be found if an employer does a certain background check, but nothing I can do about that. I slipped into drinking semi-regularly, but I've pulled out of that the last 2 weeks. All in all, I'm holding on by a thread, but there is hope. + +Oh, I forgot that the night of the incident. I had all my money, $20k dollars in cash, stolen from my apartment. I have no proof, but my intuition tells me that one of the officers took it when they were searching my apartment.",Bipolar +50254,"You guys, I can’t feel anything during sex anymore and it is driving me mad. Ok, hear me out. I’m on 100 mg of Zirprasidone and I take Propanolol for anxiety. My meds help me tremendously, like I hardly even have any bp symptoms anymore. But here’s the thing, I can’t feel anything during sex anymore. Nothing, not a thing. Literally nothing. It’s driving me nuts! I can feel sex, but I cannot feel any pleasure during sex anymore and it makes me feel left out and sad. Should I tell my psychiatrist about this? What do I do? It’s to the point where I get sad every time I have sex now.",Bipolar +50255,"How do I accept that I am far less capable now than I was before? I had big plans growing up. I was, while horrible with anything math, excellent in all other school subjects. Now I can barely write a paragraph without losing focus. This disease has seriously messed me up. It's given me anxiety and inferiority and cognitive blocks that no non-BP person has to face. + +I just want to come to terms with it. I don't know what my abilities are, how smart I am anymore. I'm certainly not capable of any kind of degree or a job anymore. I can't learn a trade or skill. I couldn't be an electrician or an engineer or a programmer or a writer. + +All I want, more than anything, is a purpose. I would take a job even if I wasn't paid. I can't volunteer though. I'm simply not smart enough anymore. I'm dumber than a rock now. + +How do I just come to terms with the fact that I will essentially be forced to live with an eighth of my prior capacity for the rest of my life? That I will never be able to enjoy an interesting article or cook for myself ever again because of the constant apathy and misery of persistent depression. + +Edit: It's been about a day and I was feeling really shitty for the past few weeks. I feel much better now and don't even feel like the same person as when I wrote this. Also, I'm reading your posts but a lot appeared at once and I'm not sure how to respond, but thank you for the responses.",Bipolar +50256,"Anyone got genetic Latuda from Cost Plus Drug? I’ve been checking the website and it said Out of Stock. I’m wondering if anyone got it before. I want to use Cost Plus Drug because it will save me so much money, but I’m worry that it will take awhile to get the medication and if I can get a refill on time.",Bipolar +50257,"Commanding voice I’m wondering if it’s a common experience for those of us with bipolar disorder to experience a commanding voice while in a mixed episode or mania. + +When I start getting up I will hear a voice inside my head that’ll tell me to do things, usually to my determinant. I’ve learned to ignore it but I’ve had to deal with having the occasional commanding voice since I was a teen. + +Does anyone else have to deal with a commanding voice? + +I don’t have too many bipolar friends and the ones I have we don’t really discuss the disorder with each other.",Bipolar +50258,"Trying sobriety... again I think we all know how drinking goes with Bipolar. It only makes things worse. I used to get drunk every day and had to detox several times before my diagnosis. Since then I've switched to binge drinking like once a week, and it's getting out of control. I'm not taking my meds consistently, my mood is all over the place, I'm paranoid as hell and having near constant panic attacks. So I haven't had anything to drink since Sunday, and I got a prescription for naltrexone which I'm taking religiously. I absolutely hate AA and don't have other in-person options in my area, and I don't want people close to me to know how bad it's gotten again, so I feel really alone in this. I have a great therapist and we talked about it today but if anyone has any tips or general encouragement I'd seriously appreciate it.",Bipolar +50259,"Rough start to the month, but I'm getting through it! For anyone wandering this is the app dailybean it's great for tracking your mood.",Bipolar +50260,"Support The absolute loneliness of this illness is something no one will ever come close to understanding. It is something I will never be able to put into words. Their is nothing in this world I can fill this void in my soul with. Even in sleep it sits and waits for me to awaken so it can slowly eat away at me more and more. The older I get the worse it becomes. Medication just numbs the feeling, but it is always there, below the surface. I am so exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, how long I lay on the couch, stare at TV, no matter how many pills I take, the void eats away at me. I am just so tired. Every muscle in my body feels like I have been working out for years with no rest days. So tight like they might shatter like glass if I breathe the wrong way. My fingers bleed from picking at them. I am just so tired. I am so lonely and I know the void will swallow me whole soon.",Bipolar +50261,"Easily set off I just want to start this off by saying that I’m aware that I have a problem and I want to fix it. I am easily set off. I mean really easily. + +There are so many instances where I get set off by small/lighthearted comments. At times I have gone off on people for really small things and it has ruined relationships. This is while being relatively “stable” too. What I mean is, this has been when I’m not depressed or manic. Another thing I’ve noticed is that if someone makes a comment that hurts my feelings, it really hurts me. To the point where I become severely depressed and question why I should go on with life if I can’t do xyz and people don’t appreciate me. There have been 2 instances where friends haven’t responded to my messages right away and I explode. One of those instances was when I was manic. I have ruined those two friendships. + +Lately I have been really good about being able to recognize the feelings that I’m having and sit with them instead of releasing all of those negative emotions. Do any of you experience these things too? Is this just a normal part of being bipolar? If you have experienced this, what has helped you overcome these emotions?",Bipolar +50262,,Bipolar +50263,"I still keep second guessing my bipolar (M24) Basically I was diagnosed with biploar almost a year ago and Im still reluctant to believe my disorder. My family is very abusive and call me fake and dismiss whatever I might have as lazy or Im just stupid. My father has not talked to me since my diagnosis. I recently dumped most of my lithium and bupropion out because the medication makes me feel unwell or it. I hope they are right and Im somehow just lying to myself or hearing only what I want to hear. My brother is an epileptic and is employed so they compare his illness to whatever mine is pretty often. They tell me hes way more deserving of treatment and care than me, which I can kind of understand. They all look at me with such shame and disappointment. I already dont like myself to begin with and I’ve always felt like least favourite child. Anyways im not sure what to do, move out once my lease is up? I really dont know how much longer i can keep this up. Thank you for reading",Bipolar +50264,"I'm scared of my bipolar disorder but i'm also scared of feeling better ? Hello there everyone, + +&#x200B; + +I've been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 months ago and it has been a real struggle to live my day to day life like normal. I'm finally on the right dose of Lithium and started seeing good results with my emotions until my anxiety disorder decided to come back. Now i have to take Seroquel to try to calm me down, because i'm deeply afraid of everything now. + +&#x200B; + +I think the mixed episode i just had scared me so much that now i'm terrified at the idea of having another one. I almost don't want to feel better because i don't want to have hope thinking i'm okay now just to have a new episode right after. I don't know how to explain it, i know i want to feel better deep down because i feel miserable, but i'm also afraid. Does anyone else feel the same ?",Bipolar +50265,"Smoking and Bipolar Every once in a while I’ll have an intense urge to smoke. I will buy a pack and smoke the entire thing in one day. It won’t make me feel sick or anything. When I finish the pack I can go weeks without repeating. + +Wondering if anyone has some insight into this behaviour? I also have a binge eating disorder that springs up similarly.",Bipolar +50266,"Energy Expunge circumstances, + +Tired of the bland Midwest, + +Too rural, + +Too passive aggressive, + +I want to be manic in the city, + +Chongqing clubs and hotpot make me warm, + +Ahhh, the energy, + +Living in hotels, + +No stability, + +Swing me like a pendulum, + +I want passion and extravagance, + +I’m not meant for the norms expected of my thirties, + +I want to be a wreck, + +Passed out on the floor, + +Chaos gives birth to experience, + +I have so many, + +But what to do with them?",Bipolar +50267,"Do you find even medicated bipolar is draining mentally and physically? What the topic title says. I find this to be the most debilitating illness I've ever faced. The effort required to function at a ""normal"" level is draining for me personally. I manage to do it but there's probably more days where I don't want to get out of bed to go to work even though I do so anyway. By the time I get home I just lay down in bed to try and recover regardless of whether it was a good or a bad day.",Bipolar +50268,"MANIA MANIA MANIA MANIA I am searching for help with keeping your mania from affecting your job, relationships, or responsibilities. Do you find it helpful to constantly ""reality check"" from the assumption that your reality is not the same as those around you. Meaning is it helpful to stop and ask ""is this normal"" before you do or say anything? My boyfriend says this is not helpful but I am unsure of any other mania damage prevention methods.",Bipolar +50269,"Why can’t I cum? Taking Zoloft and Lamictal, had sex with a lovely lady for 2 and a half hours to no avail. I’m super frustrated and it’s not the first time it has happened 😞. Any tips?",Bipolar +50270,"Have not eaten in a week I have been in what I think is a mixed episode (my first normally my episodes are quite clearly defined ) for the past few weeks during it i have lost my job (not my fault), My partner (my fault) and I have given up. I can’t eat so have been surviving on milkshakes, can’t sleep only getting about 2/3 hours a day and am under constant assault from my brain with negative images and thoughts. It’s overwhelming and I just don’t seem to have any fight left in me. I am waiting for help from the community mental health team and for my medication to be reviewed but it’s taking forever and I am really not sure what I can do. I am coming apart at the seams, have no friends and am alone and I don’t know what to do. Any advice or support is welcome + +Update: Thanks for all the advice and support. I have managed to eat solid food today. It was not much but it’s a start and small steps etc",Bipolar +50271,"being bipolar in a romantic relationship So I’ve just recently gotten into my first relationship. I’m a 22 f w a history of severe episodes & see myself as fucked up beyond repair. Even though I have been more stable right now than I ever have, I’m worried. What should I know regarding navigating bp and being in a relationship? And how far into the relationship did you guys have the “i’m bipolar” talk?",Bipolar +50272,"Struggling with living with bipolar This is ny first attempt at posting in a community specific to bipolar disorder. I'll start by saying I was diagnosed 4 years back. I'm a medical professional but I'm still struggling. I'm currently on medication and I'm more or less okay according to my doctor. +I'm struggling because everything I've studied about my disorder whether in my books or online or from my doctor, it's difficult to believe that because my family has always been the tough love kind. My father is never okay with me using the word Bipolar disorder and has always said to call it depression because it's just that. My sister who is also a doctor also often tells me that my symptoms are anxiety and the common statement by both of them as well as my mom is that people have it worse than I am. + I've been working on my post grad exams and I'm struggling. I have difficulty recalling and retaining what I read and I have gotten several anxiety attacks. My family history is positive for bpd but currently its just me. +I'm completely lost because i don't know if I'm stupid or not. My brain gets too loud sometimes, I am scared of fightings and driving as well as being driven, I'm told I'm too talkative. I panic, I forget things and sometimes I can't remember the right words. But I'm told it's all in my head. Nobody except my immediate family knows because mental health is still a taboo topic. I'm completely lost and I don't know how to be normal.",Bipolar +50273,"Big irritation I am irritated today as fuck. +I don’t understand why. +There was one situation that upset me (my fault) but could that be the reason? +I am usually a very calm, stable person. +And now I am angry AF. +Yes I take my pills every day. I don’t want to do something stupid. I am scared.",Bipolar +50274,"medication troubles i had gotten the genesight testing done (genetic test where it gives some pointers on how your body metabolizes medications), and i’m not too happy with the results. i’ve been on 100mg lamictal for about 5 months, and i’ve been feeling great. i feel like a regular person. +unfortunately, the test showed i have a gene that makes me extremely susceptible to steven-johnson’s syndrome (SJS), the rash that can happen with lamictal (and other mood stabilizers). i’ve never had the rash, but my doctor said i need to stop taking it to be safe. he’s putting me on an anti-psychotic now, which i’m not opposed to, but i’m not happy about the fact that the medication i’m enjoying runs a high risk of a severe rash for me. it’s frustrating, and feels like the uphill battle of finding a good medication just got even higher. +has anyone experienced something like this before?",Bipolar +50275,"mania aftermath This week I recently got out of a manic episode that was probably going on for about a month or so. I was absent from school skipping almost all of my uni classes, not studying, got into 3 car accidents and got a speeding ticket 40 over limit in a school zone. No sleep, paranoid etc etc. + +Anyways now I've been trying to pick up the pieces especially with my grades in Uni. Bipolar disorder has forced me to drop out a few times before but I really want to complete my degree. + +Doctor put me on lamictal which jolted me out of mania. Anyways, the good news is today I talked to my professor and he was actually super understanding because his wife is also Bipolar. I hope my other professors as as understanding and will help me recover my grade.",Bipolar +50276,"Random things we do as being Bipolar/or Bipolar w Anxiety? I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 along with a few other mental illnesses in 2011. I never have other bipolar people or friends to ask these questions… hang with me here, I hope this comes out correctly. +~Anyone else with bipolar constantly pick at their nails, like I pick mine so bad they are killer sore and sometimes bleed. I can’t stand feeling the dry peeling skin rubbing against my other fingers… +~I’ve been diagnosed so long and have taken tons of medication and I still feel like, I just will never be normal? Like at this point what does a normal person experience in their day to day feelings? +~I’ll go through a month of reading books on my kindle or regular books and finish them like in 3-4 days, 1 I finished in a month. Same with watching a series on like HBO max or Hulu….I go through moods of deeply into the show and just binge it so fast & then a week later it’s like I can’t even focus or have enough attention span to watch anything at all? + +My mind is constantly thinking about the next I need to do, like it doesn’t stop whatsoever… only time I feel relaxed is when my night meds hit…sleeping is the best bc it takes me from this hell of reality I struggle with daily. + +There are many other issues I experience but these really have been bothering me lately and I catch myself wondering do other with bipolar have these issues, or am I alone and just a wee bit crazy? 🤦🏼‍♀️",Bipolar +50277,"I think the change in seasons is starting mania/hypomania Woke up this morning feeling great and had energy. But I know that’s not a great sign because that hasn’t happened in half a year or so. At this point I’m just bracing for impact and waiting to see if it’s hypomania or not. I say hypomania/mania because I experience both and my therapist still can’t decide if it’s bipolar I or II. Possibly an issue of deciding if the mania was actually full blown mania. Anyways, I just woke up feeling good and I don’t trust like that.",Bipolar +50278,"Anyone here deal with Steven Johnson syndrome before? I’ve been on topamax for about a month and a half now and just upped my dose a week ago. Things were going fine until this morning. I have no idea if this related to the topamax but I woke up with a painful rash on my inner lips. Now the skin around my mouth is starting to feel dry and irritated and my lips are painfully chapped. This rash on my lips is like nothing I’ve ever had before. It almost feels like a burn, but I didn’t burn myself on anything. I also feel extremely fatigued and generally crappy as of an hour ago. + +Does this sound like it could be the start of SJS? Should I be concerned? I’m going to call my doctor in the morning if I’m not feeling better. I’m just anxious right now.",Bipolar +50279,,Bipolar +50280,"How to ask for alternative treatment? I have been trying new medications for about 5 years now without much luck. Either really bad side effects or no mood improvement, I see my psyc in a week to talk about which one to try next. + +The clinic (according to the website at least) provides Spravato/esketamine treatment. I'm interested in asking him about it because I would like to learn more and I have read so many good things about it. The research is remarkable. I guess I am wondering how to bring it up? This provider is semi new to me- I've been seeing him for about 5 months. The reason I am scared to ask is because I have had other providers get weird when I ask for anxiety meds. + +So, If you have received this treatment before-how did you go about it?",Bipolar +50281,"Hi, what's up Hi, doctors haven't told me yet a diagnosis, because maybe this is temporary, but they told me it could be bipolar. I don't believe in mental illness, they are all symptoms of trauma and discrimination, or whatever intoxication of delusional feelings that other brought into our minds, we got fed up with them and developed an unhealthy mind and behaviour because we got stuck in them. + +I think the wish to have power or isolating ourselves from others, to be distinguished is something I noticed about me. On the other hand, we can't deny we are more sensible and perceptive. + +But it is key to allways search for balance. But we can question this, also, because why can't we have a society in which we encounter many surprises? Maybe it would be chaotic.",Bipolar +50282,Manic Ep? What are the signs? I feel like my over obsession over a small incident this morning is an indication of a manic episode because now I’ve been feeling sad and depleted. How long after diagnosis did you start being able to notice the signs?,Bipolar +50283,"Do we notice things more than others? Why do the smallest things affect us so much. So, let me use an example bc I do not know what to do with myself right now, I've been having a very bad depressive episode this week and today I needed the help of someone very close to me who also happens to be my coworker. I messed up, life has been extra overwhelming lately and it's hard to work, I can't focus and even the smallest of things drain me even if those around me don't see it, it's so hard to do daily tasks im so tired of it all. +I messed up, and there was an order I did not place by mistake, I forgot about it, and I even forgot what I had spoken to this particular client about. I was sure he remembered who I was, and i was terrified of looking like a dumbass and him asking for a supervisor bc this is the kind of person he is. So I asked my friend to help me, I was frantic, and I am one to always help anyway I can when there's a mistake on their part or anything goes down, no matter how busy I am with my own things. They did not seem thrilled that I asked for help and didn't even get a confirmation on whether or not they'd help. Perhaps I'm making this bigger than it is, but it was hurtful to see how unwilling they were to help me while I was panicking. I rarely ask anything of anybody bc I have learned to be self-sufficient, and bc with bipolar I have 0 friends. I'm just sad that I didn't get a smidgen of consideration and just went for it on my own. Issue is being resolved now, and after 20 minutes, my coworker has approached me to say, ""So what do I have to do?"" Meaning when I explained everything earlier, including the solution, they were not even paying attention. I told them I got it now, and they walked away annoyed. +Is this me just raging for no reason? Did I just make this bigger than it really is? Or why would their reaction affect me so bad. Thank you for reading and sharing your view.",Bipolar +50284,"Personal failure, having a bad day, had to ask boss if I could WFH, embarrassed. Woke up super depressed. Just like existential dread. Couldn’t get out of bed. + +I try to tell myself I can handle this disorder as long as it doesn’t ruin my work life. Because I need the healthcare. But I feel it slowly creeping in.",Bipolar +50285,"I read a book cover to cover today I used to annihilate chapter books in a few hours. This year, I completely lost my ability to focus. I am failing classes for the first time in my life. For contrast, I have a full ride university scholarship. I haven't been able to focus on textbooks for a few months but haven't done real leisure reading in easily a year. Not because I don't want to just because I can't put in the time. + +Today I read an entire book, 432 pages, in under 24 hours. I am so proud of myself. I haven't done this since middle school, and I remember every part of it, I didn't just skim it. + +I don't want to get into the circumstances surrounding it or what it means as part of a larger whole. I just want to celebrate that, regardless of how or why, I did it.",Bipolar +50286,"Just submmited the write up of my research proposal! Ok, so today was the deadline but (I think) as many of us, for some reason I ALWAYS wait till there is two days left to start working on important things. 3000 words in two days, and everything makes sense! I am so happy I achieved it (two months ago I attempted suicide and had to be sent to a psychiatric institution). Just wanted to share it with the group. I hope I get an offer!! Have a great day :)",Bipolar +50287,"How do you cope with the brain fog? I've been diagnosed for 4 years and on latuda just as long, and I'm really struggling with the brain fog way more than I used to. I used to take modafinil for fatigue and I felt like a person again but I can't take it anymore due to circumstances out of my control and I'm wondering what people do to regain function. +It doesn't feel like the depression fog all that much, it feels like my brain simply does not work. I notice how I'm unable to understand even the simplest of things no matter how hard I try, even things I used to be able to do without difficulty. I'm considering dropping out of college because I simply can't work fast enough to keep up with the load, and I can't stay awake long enough to work on things. +I'm taking caffeine pills and drinking absurd amounts of coffee to try and keep myself awake long enough to do anything, but I don't think this is sustainable. +Does anyone have advice that isn't ""go talk to your psychiatrist"" because I am, but I'm turning to the community to see what's helped other people. +Thank you :3",Bipolar +50288,"Withdrawing off of Lamotragine Hello...this is my first post here and I hope it's okay. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2017, and took lamotragine since then was at 150 MG twice daily (my life changed for the better). Well, last year things got rocky and I didn't have transportation to a physician so I cut the dose in half to make the medicication last me..I took it that way for a year. WELL now, I am completely out and my mood is swinging like a tetherball...I lost my health insurance a couple of months ago as well, so now I just need to know coping methods that have worked for any of you that had to go unmedicated. I never thought I would have to feel this way again but alas...here I am. I feel so so alone in this battle and so scared. I finish my bachelors in June so hopefully I will have employment shortly after that and health care. I am so scared.",Bipolar +50289,"Anyone here a therapist? I tried a masters program in social work years ago before I was treated for my complex ptsd and before I was on lithium. I know I would make a great therapist, but I want to know how hard it could be with the work while having boom polar disorder. Been having dreams I’m in school for it. Thanks",Bipolar +50290,,Bipolar +50291,"Job Advice Does anyone have a job where they travel? I’ve been thinking of transitioning from a job where I travel around 10 counties to one in two states. There would be overnight travel for a couple days each week. I have a super stable government job now, but the new one would align more with my interests. I’m probably pushing the limits of my stability with this one…",Bipolar +50292,"Bipolar disorder and adhd Hello does anyone have bipolar disorder and adhd ? +I’ve been taking adhd for the past decade . My therapist wanted me to get an evaluation since it had been a while . Turns out I have adhd , severe anxiety and bipolar disorder . +I take adderall and it helps me function never had issues with it . So I’m wondering if I should get another opinion ? Or is it normal to have adhd ( in my case it’s severe ) and bipolar disorder. +Just a little concerned since I have to find a new psychiatrist now.",Bipolar +50293,"Motivation How come I do not have the motivation I should, it’s the basic stuff: + +Getting the mail +Emptying the dishwasher +Doing laundry +Brushing my teeth +Finishing anything + +I know who I am and I have more motivation than this!",Bipolar +50294,"Anyone with comorbid bipolar and pssd? Wondering how you experience the combo. + +For me the anhedonia makes every hypomanic episode feel incredibly empty and frustrating. I just feel increased energy and irritability and never «good». I never feel pleasure. Only thing i notice that improves is some motivation to socialize and date so i become very talkative and impatient but i never feel rewarded for the motivations i get. Its like an itch you cant scratch. +The increased «mental libido» with sexual dysfunction is also extremely frustrating. Anyone relate?",Bipolar +50295,"Depakote & Food So I (23F) recently started Depakote (as of today it's been about a week of taking it) and it's working really well for my mood swings and general bipolar I issues. One thing I've noticed is I don't really want to eat. I just don't get hungry? I've heard everyone talk about increased appetite but since I've started taking it 3 times a day I've just been eating a small breakfast and a small dinner because I'm just not hungry... This isn't a problem, because I am overweight and could stand to lose a couple pounds, but it's just weird that most medications I've been on have made me VORACIOUSLY hungry. Seroquel, for example, made me the beast of the kitchen. I would eat EVERYTHING. + +Another thing I've noticed, that might play into my loss of appetite, is that everything tastes awful. Things I used to love now are kind of just ""meh."" + +I'm not necessarily complaining, just wondering if any other current or previous Depakote users have felt this way?",Bipolar +50296,"Coworker talks down to me about mental health +I started taking a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic after being diagnosed with bipolar type II earlier last year. It took a lot to admit there was an issue and to seek a psychiatrist. I was proud of the progress I made this last year. I felt great until a coworker made me feel like shit and that my progress meant nothing + +I have a coworker that is much older than me, he frequently talks down to me in front of the entire team and has the attitude that his opinion is gospel no matter the circumstances. I’m two years out of college with limited experience so I approached him about my frustration and how I can improve. He got very defensive and denied any part in this. Instead of talking it through with me he monologued about mental health and seeking a therapist to talk about my frustrations at work instead + +I sat there and listened to him monologue trying to act like it was fine, but damn did it hurt to be talked down to about my mental health. I never told anyone about my diagnosis, medication or treatment. I always tried to prevent my bipolar disorder from affecting my job performance at all either, the main issues were from how it affected my life outside of work. I’m seeking a new job now, but has anyone had experiences like this with coworkers?",Bipolar +50297,"My partner won’t stop judging what I eat. I struggle with eating. I don’t feel hungry until my head is pounding and I’m super irritable. + +This morning I didn’t have the energy to really cook myself anything but I knew I needed to eat to take my meds. With this in mind I made some noodles and boiled an egg in the water just to get something in my system. + +My partner asked what I had eaten and I told him. He proceeded to tel me all about how I could get diabetes or become obese if I don’t make better food choices and I need to make more nutritious meals for myself. + +Which I understand and I know he’s coming from a good place with good intentions. But I also did not ask for his opinion and was just trying to put something in my system so I could take my meds today. + +It really hurt for him to say those things to me as if I am not trying my best to do the right things within my capacity for the day.",Bipolar +50298,Struggling Accepting Diagnosis Does anyone else have any experience with this? I always suspected I was bipolar but since being diagnosed a year ago I’m finding it harder to accept that it’s true. Any tips?,Bipolar +50299,"Have to get out of depressive episode ASAP Been on a depressive episode for the last 2-3 weeks, I usually cycle with the seasons.. was living in Canada for 10 years which made my depression on winter unbearable now I live Mexico and it’s way better. My episode are not as severe and I guess for a moment I took it for granted that my episodes were mild and I was stable for a good while. I work independently as an artist so if I’m not in the studio there’s no one I have ti answer to which in general I love. I love what I do and I’m so grateful to be able to do it. I’m at stage in my life where I’m expanding my business and moving to a bigger studio space and it’s all great! But the the episode started creeping in and I can’t afford to give into it, I’m getting all these anxieties and fears, I know I can do this and have been fighting everyday but this week has been really hard. I’m in the studio at the moment but haven’t been able to lift a finger. Trying all the skills and coping mechanisms I know help me plus my meds so really hope this ends soon. Letting all this out I think will help, haven’t talked about it much with people as I’ve found I focus more on the feeling but needed to vent.",Bipolar +50300,"I’m so tired of feeling sad I just found out my dog died so that added an extra layer of sadness. I’m just crying nonstop now. I feel like despite improving my circumstances and getting the help I needed, this sadness is unshakable. It feels almost like a failure, that I’m still so sad. I see my trauma everywhere. The cycle keeps repeating again and again… I don’t want to enter another depressive episode, again not knowing how fucking long it’ll last and fearing I’ll be depressed forever. The anger and fear associated with my PTSD is mostly gone, thankfully. I just want to know how to change my life. How do I stop feeling sad all the time? Despite being on four different medications, I’m still not really functioning. I’m doing much better than I was and I’m grateful for that, but sometimes.. I don’t know if this effort is worth it.",Bipolar +50301,feel like i’m being watched i cannot shake the feeling that there are multiple people stalking my online presence and i feel like i can’t even go on reddit because there’s some secret account watching me. i am having intense social paranoia. i feel like my ex is watching me.,Bipolar +50302,,Bipolar +50303,,Bipolar +50304,"So my therapist gave me a brochure today... Its for a wellness center that he is recommending I go to. He'd rather not hospitalize me and this would be me volunteering to go. I just don't see how I can spend what seems like minimum one month away from my family and my life. + +What would everyone around me think if I just randomly disappeared for a month or more? (I know I have bigger problems but Its of concern to me) + +No access to cell phones or my job for that matter. + +I just don't see how a married man with 2 kids and a fulltime job can just disappear and go off the grid. I have bills to pay and mouths to feed. + +I am not sure how to handle any of this",Bipolar +50305,,Bipolar +50306,"My first Mixed episode and I need some advices There's not much to say. I'm on abilify 7.5 mg, I'm on my way to adjust meds but rn I'm having a terrible mixed episode. You probably know how does it feel so I just want to hear some advices on how can I survive without destroying my life. Or if there's something I can do to make this shit going away. I HATE IT",Bipolar +50307,"Treatment and effects. I am going to tell you a couple things I have experience with, I am telling you these because they effected me significantly and you can possibly understand your own position better by knowing this. + +I had 12 sessions of ECT, it was devastating, logistically a nightmare and it did not work. + +90% of marriages with one BP persons does not make it. I was stunned by that. + +Knowing that about marriage has kept me single. + +When they put the electrodes on they had problems because tears were running down my face. + +God luck and God Bless You.",Bipolar +50308,My manic episode that revealed I had bipolar I have had a bitch of a time with mood swings for the past 5 years and I’ve always white knuckled it out of partially shame and partially not realizing that wasn’t normal. I quit smoking weed and didn’t sleep for 2 weeks and went on a spiritual powwow and got arrested for breaking and entering. It was at this point I realized I was not on a mission from God and then it got really scary because I went into psychosis while I was in the jail. And I got pepper sprayed so I was laying on the floor choking and having no idea what was going on. But luckily I didn’t die and now I know that I need latuda,Bipolar +50309,"Telling people you are bipolar I just wanted like opinions/consensus on this cuz I’m curious. Who in your life do you tell that you are bipolar? (I think this might be a bit of a generational difference here too.) I work in healthcare and hear the way people talk about bipolar patients all the time I don’t have many Gen-Z coworkers for context most Gen-X, boomers, or millennials and it’s abysmal. (I’m a millennial for context). They talk about us the same way people would talk about people convicted for domestic abuse, or a hit and run or a violent crime. Just disdain. So I would never tell anyone at work that and broadly speaking these people are supposed to be empathetic and nice healthcare workers. So I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what people actually think of us when they don’t have to be politically correct about it cuz they know they aren’t speaking to people who will be directly hurt or offended by what they have to say. + +I’ve noticed younger people like people on tik tok or like just in general not only talk about it but put it front and center as a key piece of their identity. They put it in cover letters that go out to job applications and to me this just seems wildly naïve. I wish we didn’t live in that world but we have negative stereotypes about being late being unreliable or substance abuse issues and even though a lot of us don’t do those things often or at all. + +People who have power to dictate important parts of our lives like what jobs and opportunities we have will go with default assumptions like those and will go with the “safer pick” the person who doesn’t specify that or the one who doesn’t have that info readily available on tik tok youtube insta Facebook. I appreciate awareness generally but I would caution people about where they are broadcasting what and to whom. Don’t give other people a reason to slam the door on you before they even meet you. Curious what other people from all different age groups think.",Bipolar +50310,"I feel like an imposter I feel like I don't actually have bipolar. I was diagnosed but I feel like I might have been faking it. I don't know, I'm on meds now and I was diagnosed years ago so I don't remember. My mom tells me the way I was acting was very scary but I think I might have just been acting. My family always notices when I'm off of my meds but I think it might just be because I'm myself again. Is this feeling normal?",Bipolar +50311,"When I think about advancing in my career be it a job or a degree I feel like I can’t do it and I should die instead. +After my bachelors degree passing out in 2019, I enrolled myself in a masters program abroad in 2021 where I first had an episode and I had to come back and drop out. I’m on medication since 2018 and in continual therapy. After me abruptly leaving my degree course I thought I’ll take up a job in my home country and I did. I worked for a year and then I just couldn’t continue. I had hormonal issues because of my medication and severe depression I was suicidal and I couldn’t attend a single meeting without crying. I left my job this year after revealing that my mental health is not appropriate for work right now and I need a break. Now again I’m planning to do my masters abroad as my boyfriend lives there and I want to live with him. it’s either masters or a job in my home country for a year and then masters. Both options feel difficult and I feel like I can not make it. I have been feeling so stressed that I feel I should give up on life because I can’t do anything with my career and I can’t survive like a dead body. I have to do something. Sometimes I feel so paralysed that I feel like I’m a financial burden to my family and will be a burden on my boyfriend as well if I move.",Bipolar +50312,,Bipolar +50313,"In mania - here we go again. :) :( In mania. I had increased nightmares this weekend, slept restlessly the next two nights, stayed home Monday and Tuesday to chill and try to regulate because I just didn’t feel right. Wednesday almost bought a $1700 necklace. Woke up this morning HYPER AF. Awesome and fun and all that jazz. But also mad and threw my hairbrush. + +Yes, I’m on my meds. No I’m not quitting my job. No I’m not going to stop my meds. But fuck. I love it and hate it. + +Edit: I’m going to the Taylor Swift concert tomorrow and it would be so fun on mania. 😬🤔 Maybe I don’t call my psych until Monday. 😬😬😬",Bipolar +50314,"Bipolar 2 and Lamictal Good Morning. I’ve been on Lamtical for about a year, currently on 200mg for BP 2. I’m talking to this guy who is absolutely amazing and literally everything I’ve prayed for. But, I’ve noticed something has changed. With BP2, I’ve always felt so deeply when it comes to emotions. Now it’s like emotional permanence. Together I’m into him, when I go home my feelings switch off. When it comes to intimacy I do not want to be touched because I feel so emotionally blunted. Yes the medication has done wonders for my low episodes BUT, I miss feeling somewhat deeply. I do not know if this a BP2 thing or a medication thing. Before the medication, I loved affection. This is so frustrating and I really hope someone can give me some advice and letting me know I’m not alone :( thank you so much in advance.",Bipolar +50315,"Out of work due to med side effects and feeling terrible about it This is my first full time job, and I honestly love it. But every time I try to do my job, I feel an ice spike shoot through me, can't breathe, and immediately panic- that's on top of what I WAS experiencing that thankfully went away. Just one thing after another. I feel terrible. Everyone has been so understanding but no doubt patience is wearing thin. I JUST got this job a few months ago, I don't even have my benefits yet. I just got my first bonus, too. + +I feel like a terrible employee. Is this just to be expected of this disorder? How am I supposed to not feel guilty about not attending work, when I know it's to take care of myself and do my best job possible when I come back? I feel so bad. And I feel so anxious. I feel like crying.",Bipolar +50316,"tips on strengthening resolve about sobriety? hi all, apologies because this is a long one, but i’m hoping some have been through something similar! i am in the newer phase of my onset where we’re still trying to medicate me correctly. i just got off a call with my psych, who is upping my lamictol and has told me zero substances for a while and we’ll reevaluate once i’m stable. + +i’ve been a “stoner” for years, but have tapered off after receiving my diagnosis and learning it was counterproductive. however, it’s still a way i unwind or work up an appetite and i’ll definitely miss the calming aspects of the ritual. with alcohol, i definitely increased my consumption with onset of symptoms, and never get to a sloppy blackout level, but i drink with dinner at a low amount whenever appropriate. i’ve also been taking ritalin for a long time as i was previously diagnosed adhd (although that’s being reevaluated now since bipolar is often first misdiagnosed as adhd), and she’s requested i drop that too because stimulants can worsen symptoms. + +i know it’s best to stop and see where it gets me. the fact that i’m irritated about stopping proves to me that it’s a good idea. in the past i’ve had issues with extreme boredom during sobriety, and i’m also worried about stopping since it has become sort of a band aid for the pain. i am worried that when i get manic, sad, or bored my resolve to stay sober will crumble. i would really appreciate tips or mantras. maybe something to replace the sort of feeling from any of those? anything is appreciated.",Bipolar +50317,"So I'm diagnosed with Bi Polar 1 and I'm just and angry psycho.....nothing really helps me. I'm super motivated and driven.I work hard and are succesful.I have the typical loss of memory and can't focus a lot of the time but have found ways to get passed it. + +I have an anger issue however.Go against me, an im just like fuck you!You know? + +Like tell me I do something slightly wrong and I will be like ""Then fucking show me dumbass"" + +I do everything alone as a result. + +I succeed and make friends. I just ignore them and avoid everyone once I do. + +I run a successful FB account and recently had a manic episode where I lashed out at everyone.For no reason just spazzing. It resulted in people acting very petty and as a result I just got worse and worse. + + +I feel like its getting more annoying as time goes on. Like eventually someone with the wrong attitude is going to want to get into an altercation with me. + +My medications have helped and talking to a therapist helps. But I cannot seem to just control this rush of adrenaline I get over every little thing. like the movie Crank but with normal stuff. + +Any one else have this issue?",Bipolar +50318,"TW: self harm - have been doing it for 10 years. I have been self harming for over 10 years now. I’m horribly embarrassed that i still slip into doing it even as an adult. I feel as though a lot of people view it as a “teenager only” thing. I’ve been doing it less and less over the years, but the fact that i still do like i said makes me embarrassed. If you have a similar experience any advice or personal stories would be nice, but no pressure. I downloaded an app to help track how long i’ve gone without doing it. Just needed to vent, thank you.",Bipolar +50319,How did you get on the path to normalcy? I don’t think I have the drive or energy to want to get better. I live in absolute squalor and don’t even care. Even when I’m happy I don’t do things that normal people do to maintain their life. What am I supposed to do if I literally fail to do anything,Bipolar +50320,"Ramble about new diagnosis I finally got diagnosed after 10+ years of me having breakdowns and making GP appointments and desperately asking doctors to tell me whats wrong with me. + +It took a mental health nurse to see something was really wrong and she got my seen by a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with unspecified bipolar and I’ve now also been referred for an ADHD assessment. + +I don’t feel any better though. Well of course not, nothing has actually changed. I have been taking Lamictal but not feeling any positive effects yet. + +I had been told for years it’s depression, anxiety and one doctor said it sounded hormonal. I thought that I would get better. I thought that I would recover and live a healthy, normal life. I feel like I have to mourn the idea of this now. + +I’m not getting much help behind this diagnosis. They say because I’ve never been hospitalised and I manage to hold down a job and maintain relationships I don’t need it. I get it but it hurts. I feel invalidated, confused and alone. + +I managed to get myself a good job at a company I could have only dreamed of working for. I am fucking it up though. I do nothing most days. I’m so consumed by what’s going on in my head whether it’s good or bad. + +I’m going to have to go back to a less demanding job which breaks my heart and I feel if leave it will trigger an episode. I’m scared I’ll impulsively quit one day too like my last 4 jobs. Maybe I’ll get fired first anyway. + +I have an amazing support system and have cut off anyone who wasn’t good for me. I’m also in a loving relationship with someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have to fight thoughts about sabotaging these relationships though. They’re so annoying I tell myself but actually I’m just irritable and they really care about me which can be hard to believe. + +Despite everything appearing good to others, I am so chaotic. I’ve stopped pretending now when people ask me if I’m okay. I tell them no, I feel crazy. Everyone tells me I need a routine but it is impossible. + +My life on paper is great and in reality it is too to be honest. It’s boring though. I’ve gone sober too. I feel ungrateful almost. I am the problem and I am losing my mind. I feel like I’ve been fighting the crazy in me for years but I’m exhausted and I don’t want to anymore. I’m sick of doing the right things and what’s good for me. This diagnosis has brought up some scary thoughts like now my insane moods are justified. I don’t need to hold back anymore. I also then think though, if I’ve been able to keep complete madness at bay then I guess I’m actually not that unwell. I just feel like a prisoner of my own mind.",Bipolar +50321,,Bipolar +50322,"Do we have any other bipolar nurses here? I notice myself switching jobs quite often.... I just applied for an inpatient psych unit, hoping to God that I get in. + +I need more money. But this disability makes it so fucking hard. + +I work in case management currently, mostly doing education for patients in the clinic. It's a low profile job and it doesn't pay that great for what I need. I'm afraid one day we won't be able to pay for the essentials... + +I've worked the floor, rehab, research, home health, and now my current job. + + +I've hated everything. I keep getting depressed. Then I want to change jobs again. I can only hope that my current application will go through.... + +I need more money. And I need those students loan repayments that they offer. I have great health insurance through where I work currently but again it just simply does not pay enough for me. + +Can anyone else relate to this? I really hate my life right now...",Bipolar +50323,"What do you believe in? What do you believe in? Religion, spirituality, Universe, higher power, or nothing etc. + +I am curious to know what others with bipolar believe in? And also if your experiences with being bipolar have impacted those beliefs?",Bipolar +50324,How do you handle insomnia? I'm on my fourth night of having trouble sleeping. I've been getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night so I'm paying attention to it but not super concerned and was just wondering what other people do in this situation. Do you make yourself lay in bed even if you feel wide awake? When does it cross the line for you and make you seek medical care?,Bipolar +50325,If I tell my therapist in an online session that I have a plan and am thinking of acting on it this weekend will they send ems or the police to my house? I’m in a really low place right now and I want to talk to my therapist about this without getting sent for a grippy socks stay. I’m really worried that I’ll end up in this horrible psych hospital again and to be honest I would rather be dead than go back there. How can I bring this up with them without it being possible I end up sectioned?,Bipolar +50326,"Just Diagnosed today Hi, first post to this Sub. + +(If anything I say is not allowed please let me know in a message even if you do remove the post so I can be more mindful in the future) + +Kinda nervous moving forward but today I finally went to a Psych and after about an hour of talking about different thing's she settled upon one sure for diagnoses of BP2 and immediately prescribed Latuda 20mg at night during dinner. I had spoken with a therapist years ago and was on Trintellix and also tried Zoloft which did nothing but give me headaches and the other made me rage out (respectively). I found out many of the things I do in my daily life are actually Symptoms of both Mania and Depression and that I'm going through episodes of both Multiple times a day for the past 4 years that we covered. + +I also have Chrons disease and I saw how it can affect weight and appetite, so I'm hopeful it can boost that as well as get my Racing thoughts, Insomnia and Hyper Productivity to a normal/manageable level. Im very leery about taking it with the experiences I've had with antipsychotics in the past, but my Dr also works with my wife who is ADHD and BP2, and I've seen how our Dr has helped her by listening to her and not just her diagnosis. + +I'm on a Month trial at the 20mg so hopefully no severe side effects or medication interactions and this does what it needs to. And I apologize ahead of time to those on this Sub, I will most likely be spam reading a lot of your posts in the coming days just to understand different perspectives of this, cause I won't say I love it but I have a special thing about researching all I can about new things, especially medical. + +Thank you all in advance",Bipolar +50327,"Psychiatrist belittling me First time poster on this sub, but I feel like I need support. Sorry for the format, I am on mobile. + +I feel like my psychiatrist at my most recent appointment was talking to me in a way that made it feel like I was being stupid or taking myself too seriously on what my problems could be. + +I'm diagnosed with a mood disorder and my previous psychiatrist strongly suspected I may be bipolar due to the symptoms I experience. I've been open and shared a lot of my issues with my psychiatrist, but he doesn't seem to care. + +What really grinded my gears though was him saying ""well I'm not sure if you really are bipolar because you don't show one of the most common symptoms which is the lack of need for sleep. And I don't mean only needing 5 or 6, I mean more like 2."" To which I had to tell him that no, I have had that back in high school most prominently. I never was diagnosed with bipolar and didn't know what it was before I started my mental health journey, so at the time I didn't think much of having little to no sleep when younger and figured it was normal to go a day or two without sleeping. + +To which he asks me ""well how did that change over the course of time?"" It's called forcing myself to get tired by mentally or physically exerting a lot and also becoming a single parent helps with getting tired a lot faster. + + I felt horrible and hurt because it felt like I had to justify to myself that I'm not crazy, that it's not normal to struggle going to bed before midnight, that feeling crazy swings back and forth isn't normal. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I feel like expressing to him how the psych treated me made me feel like I'm being stupid or blowing things out of proportion. I hate this and I hate feeling out of control of my own emotions most of the time, and I just want to be taken seriously. I see now why so many women struggle to get diagnosed; ""it's all in your head"" or ""that's just normal for a woman to be moody"" + +Have any of you ever had this happen on your journeys to getting help with your diagnosis/treatments? I want to know I'm not alone...",Bipolar +50328,"Love my new therapist Hello! + + I just started seeing therapist privately, and she said what I say it's definitely similar to bipolar disorder. She has seen me once. + + I've seen 4 more therapist in the past, in the public system. Except for one which was really good but I was in an ""up"" moment, the other just said that I was fine and dumped me. + +I'm scared, but also happy that finally someone understands what I feel and that my struggles are validated, and I'm not making it up or just being lazy and a bit weird sometimes. + +I just wanted to share, as except for my boyfriend and a friend, I don't want to tell anyone right now. + +Thank you ♥️",Bipolar +50329,"I was diagnosed with Bipolar II yesterday. I guess it's my life now. Hey everyone, I (18M) have had a mental illness all my life. That being ADHD. I was on Medication for it for about eight years, until last year, when I began to feel... different. + +My ADHD used to consist of hyperfixation, hyperactivity and inability to concentrate- so normal ADHD stuff, but last year before I graduated high school in May, I noticed something was changing. I assumed it was my ADHD, just evolving with new symptoms as I got older but towards Graduation time and shortly thereafter, I realized I was wrong. + +It began to get worse with huge depressive episodes, I would cry, or feeling like crying some days, and be fine the next. And I would feel worthless, like I didn't mean or contribute anything, and then have confidence that soared through the roof. I started snapping on people and then being okay the next second. + +The anger and mood swings problems got worse within the past few months. I work retail, and I've been showing attitude and anger and even hatred one moment, and then I'm super happy and energetic the next second. Even outside of work, I snap at my parents, my best friend and have constant negative emotions. I have started talking super-super fast without realizing, and feel like my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. (MY Psych mentioned this to me yesterday). + +One of the biggest things that coincides with the anger and mood swings is my impulse control and motivation. One thing I lack is impulse control, I know something is wrong, but I still choose to do it anyway. This has affected me with porn, gaming too much, and most importantly- spending. I have credit cards and I paid them off a month ago, and once again I have a huge balance on both, because I know I shouldnt be spending money, but in the moment it feels like I should. Also the lack of motivation issue is *huge*. I want to go to the gym, I want to go out and do things, but I just *can't* no matter how hard I force myself to try. + +After an argument with my mom about how she's worried about me and how she knows something is wrong, I came clean and told her that I've been keeping how I've been feeling from her, my dad, sisters, and my psychiatrist and therapist. I was afraid to be on new medicine and to be diagnosed with something new. My psych told me that sometimes ADHD can evolve or even be mistaken for Bipolar, since the two share similar symptoms. I was put on Latuda yesterday, and I feel no difference yet, since it takes 3 weeks or more to do so, but I'm hopeful. And hopefully I can learn to live with this since it's a part of me now.",Bipolar +50330,"The paranoia is killing me I feel so isolated and afraid. Things are turning, crumbling. I feel like I can't turn to anyone. My psychologist and doctor understand but damn the nights are so long, and in the day, I have to be around so many people I can't tell what's going on for me. Some professionals even don't understand me unless they know me very well. I'm a serial masker and even when I'm wanting to throw a chair through a window I'll just casually say ""I'm raging right now"" and they don't take notice lol. So some professionals don't take notice and others say things like ""I'm very alarmed"" at my behaviour. I just can't be that person I used to be anymore; exploding rage and emotion. Luckily a have professionals that see the signs clearly but talking to others can make me feel invisible. + +I feel like everyone in society, the world around me, online, is watching everything I'm saying and doing, even people in cars or shop assistants. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I feel like I can't move a muscle or say a thing, it's constant. It's even hard to post here. + +It was fun with the spiritual and sensual bliss but now it's just hell. I made the mistake of having a nap before midnight and I won't sleep tonight. I got an exam today, I'll see my nurse thankfully, then my therapist, but right now I just see this long stretch of night ahead of me. The house is so quiet, I'm worried I'll see ghosts if I leave my room lol. I just feel so very alone. + +College helped so much, they're very supportive there, my classmates are amazing but it's getting confusing for me there, too. My mouth is starting to get me in trouble. I feel like my world is getting smaller section by section. + +My psychologist said it was ok for me to go to a Buddhist centre for a few days as long as I don't drive there, as long as I stick to grounding meditation rather than the transendental stuff lol. So maybe that will help me a lot. + +I don't even know what this post is about. It's just all crumbling down, now. I might try to switch channels in my brain rather than hyperfocusing on my phone. Have something to eat and drink. Maybe try sleep again. + +I'm focusing so inwardly; thoughts, feelings, etc. I need to get out of my head and into my body. I try to do the mindfulness 5 things but I'm too paranoid about ghosts right now. I wanna listen to my headphones but can't for the same reason. I think I'm literally too afraid to leave my bed or do anything but type, and too paranoid to ring a hotline. I'm dreading 3 am but hopefully I will be asleep by then. + +I dunno, maybe this post is an ask for someone out there to make me feel like I'm not one alien on an Earth full of humans lol. Either way I just gotta get it off my chest.",Bipolar +50331,"back on the med-go-round maybe? I recently did intake with a 'medication management clinic' because I wanted to renew the prescriptions my now-retired psychiatrist gave me, but they informed me that two of the meds, Ambien and Ativan, they don't prescribe at all, and Wellbutrin is not something they would let me take without an antipsychotic. Because I already have some samples from my old doctor I've been told to start Vraylar. After looking it up I am very hesitant to take it. I have a number of other medical and emotional issues having to do with weight gain and suicidal thoughts among other things, and what I read has me worried. I just wanted a little help me out of the downturn rut I'm in and ease my anxiety and hypervigilance. I have my swings but haven't been hospitalized in 8 years, basically since I stopped taking mood stabilizers (I tried a bunch of different ones in the last 15 years). This a clinic, not a personal relationship like with all the p-docs before, and I don't think the lengthy computerized questionnaire is set up to flag the nuances of my requirements, like weight neutral or not mind numbing. I just want to comfortably exist in the world, able to think clearly enough to get things done and without the paranoia edge that I live with now, but if muscle jerks, increased hospitalizations and diabetes are the price I have to pay maybe life as a hermetic loner is something I have to just accept.",Bipolar +50332,"Mood changes with clock change. Anyone else feel like the clock change messes with your whole status? It feels like someone picked up my world, gave it a little shake and put it back down. My sleep suffers, my focus tanks and my moods drops.",Bipolar +50333,Little things Mornings are rough for me. So I pick my clothes the night before I have to wake up early so I don’t have to think about it. This morning the pants I chose were covered in lint and I couldn’t find the lint roller. I started freaking out. Felt like I was spiraling and even started crying because how u expected it was and it’s hard for me to make decisions. Now I want to have things ultra organized so I can try to stay in control of my enrionmsnt which can help me stay in control of my emotions. My bf witnessed my freak out and it’s just so embarrassing. He doesn’t say anything he just lets me self soothe unless I’m having a really hard episode. Hes still learning about my diagnosis. It’s just so frustrating and it’s hard to not judge and hate myself for not being able to control my reactions.,Bipolar +50334,"Disassociation/ Derealization I was wondering if you guys had any derealization at all. I see it as feeling like I’m in a dream, being extremely detached/disconnected to people and things around me, to the point where it seems like the crowds of people around me are just part of a random setting I’m in, everything around me is blurred, and that type of stuff. I was wondering if this is normal for the majority of people right now bc of Covid/social media, etc? I’m doing my own research now but I just started unpacking this after my therapist pointed it out.",Bipolar +50335,"Less alone I was recently diagnosed with bipolar depression. After reading more and more of the posts on this reddit, I've finally felt like I've found the people I've been looking for. I cannot even find the words to express how isolating it is trying to describe some of the symptoms to people. They try their best to relate, but no one ever gets it. The struggles with time distortion between hypomania and depression. The cleaning and reorganizing because you feel like I'm doing so, you have reinvented yourself. The countless abandoned hobbies picked up during a manic episode, where you feel like you posess the ability to learn everything at a superhuman rate. The changes in how much sleep you need. Feeling like a different person, snapping at people and regretting half of the decisions you've made. The suicidal thoughts. It's all so overwhelming, but seeing that others are dealing with the same type of life and coping with it actually brought me to tears tonight. Thank y'all, for sharing your experiences. I didn't realize how much something like this could help.",Bipolar +50336,"“You seem normal to me” Oh, do I sir? Do I seem normal to you? + +You didn’t see me sobbing in my car on the way to work the last 5 days, you didn’t see me sending nudes to all of my exs at 5am or cleaning the apartment laundry machine with a toothbrush while wearing a gas mask. + +Yes sir I manage it well + +I take my meds, I get my sleep, I pet my cat, I limit stress, I talk to friends, I eat healthy foods, I read books, I call therapists, I 5-7-5-7-5-7-5-7-5-7 breathe in the bathroom so you can’t SEE me loose my shit. + +I couldn’t even tell if that makes you feel better + +No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like you think bipolar is a sticky note that says CRAZY on my forehead, and not a mental illness I wrangle and defeat on a daily basis. + +GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CREDIT SIR + +don’t tell me I seem healthy and then expect me to take on more work, more stress, more anxiety, because I SEEM normal. Fuck you sir. + +tdlr: + +I manage my mental illness so well that people in my life tend to discredit or overlook what I go through. The real ones know, but I’m still frustrated. + +End of rant. + +Thank you beautiful people. + +Update: the response to this post was honestly more than I could have expected. Thank you everyone who said sweet stuff and even just like commiserated. It’s insane being somewhere 100 other people are saying, “I feel this way too.” With stuff you feel completely alone and insane for feeling. I’m saying too much, but really these comments moved my heart. I don’t feel alone on this anymore. <3",Bipolar +50337,"Frustrated over slow recovery I am recovering from a relapse following a family death. +I am due to return to work in a highly stressful job. Tried coming back this week but I’m just not ready, taking more time off. + +Why can’t I just get back to normal 😭",Bipolar +50338,Husband stayed home from work today… again. He’s staying home because the baby woke up way earlier than his normal wake up time and hasn’t been sleeping good the last few days. I have not been mentally okay. I recently started taking laMICtal and I’m hopeful that I’ll feel better. He stayed home because he said I’m not stable and he wants to take care of the baby today. He did this once before and he won’t get in trouble at his job or anything . He has enough personal days and vacation days but I feel so ashamed. I’m upset with myself.,Bipolar +50339,I feel like a rabid dog. I'm thinking about checking into a hospital I 'm screaming and crying in the bathroom at work and i can't handle this. I keep needing to leave work early and call out because my emotions are too fucking much and I am so full of rage. I'm snapping at everyone and losing my mind. I can't stop thinking about hurting myself and sometimes even the people around me. this is the longest and most difficult episode I've ever had. at first it was just euphoric but now im just so angry all the time. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to afford rent but I think I have to leave work again because I genuinely can't do this right now. everything is too much and my head hurts so much. I wish I were dead,Bipolar +50340,"Depression phase Had a manic episode back in june. it was bad. i was wired up, didn’t sleep for 38 hours straight. i thought i was invincible. all my friends abandoned me because they didn’t understand the severity of my manic episode. i was impulsive, crazy, and stubborn but it’s because i wasn’t in my right mind. i’m a loner and i feel like no one gets me. everyone leaves. i’ve been in a depression phase for a few weeks, but at this point, i feel so hopeless",Bipolar +50341,New here and need some advice possible mania? Hi I’m new to Reddit and have been using Facebook and tiktok as my resources besides reading articles about bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed 6-7 years ago with bipolar 1 and I’m still trying to figure it out. Been off and on with my meds. (Currently off with approval of psychiatrist) I’ve been trying to figure this out still. It’s hard but I’m still trying to figure out my mania. Right now I feel like I’m making risky choices. Like playing with fire with my marriage and sex life. Is infidelity part of mania. I know I’ve heard and read many different things on mania and I know some people on the pages have struggled and this is why their marriages fail and I feel I’m at risk with mine but I miss this risk part which is why I think I want to play with fire? I just need some advice on what you guys do with your mania highs? Or if this was normal?,Bipolar +50342,,Bipolar +50343,"Bipolar and Relationships Has anyone else’s bipolar wrecked their relationship? I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features and I found out about it a year and a half ago. I also was also very recently diagnosed with C-PTSD due to an abusive childhood. I had a partner that I absolutely adored but after a huge life stressor I started to experience psychosis and paranoia and broke up with him because I strongly believed he was plotting against me and planning to hurt me. I then went through a series of depressive and manic episodes following the break up. When I finally got stabilized I reached out to him hoping to rekindle only to find out he had moved on with a girl who probably isn’t a complete psycho like I am. I wasn’t as good a girlfriend as I could’ve been either because of my unstable moods and lack of energy/ basic life skills/ girlfriend experience, I wish I could do it all over again and just really show him how much I loved him. It just tears me up inside, I miss him so much, I’m sure he hates my guts. It honestly makes me want to stop living because I miss him so much. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else who can handle my craziness. I’m unlovable :(",Bipolar +50344,how long does drug induced mania last? Weird question but if someone was not ever admitted or treated for drug induced mania how Long will that last for before they crash? And do different drugs effec the length of manic episode?,Bipolar +50345,"exhausted and venting so i know this wasn’t a good idea, but after about 8 months of taking my medication regularly (lexapro, lamictal, and abilify) i stopped taking them cold turkey. i stopped seeing my psychiatrist because it felt like a chore but i do see my therapist regularly. for a while after stopping my medication i started drinking every single night to get rid of the uneasiness i felt and just to help me sleep. drinking really became a nasty habit for me. one night after work i took it too far, i’ve had problems with a. toxic relationship for a while and while at work he ended up blocking me out of spite and i didn’t care much because i knew i would just go home and a have a drink. but , that night i came home and got so drunk i started getting super paranoid that someone was watching me and i was crying and i guess talking on the phone so loudly my mother came to check on me. (i’m 19 and still live with my parents) but i was upset because she started questioning if i was drunk and said to hang up the phone but i told her i was finally happy and i don’t remember much from that night but apparently the next day my mom told me tht i got violent with her and threatened to “beat the fuck out of her” if she didn’t leave me alone. anyways, because of that night i haven’t had any access to alcohol, and i’m proud of myself for sticking to that because i would even drink at my boyfriends house and he could get me drinks if i wanted but i’ve been good with it and the only substance i put in my body is nicotine now. + +but now that i’ve been good with that stuff, i’ve become angry, and i pick fights with whoever’s around me, i get violent and suicidal thoughts and im at a point where i feel worthless. i don’t think my environment is helping me. i dropped out of college and i know my parents are disappointed in me. because of my mental health it’s been hard for me to get a job, and now i have a part time in the mall and it’s a really good environment and very distracting. however my dad is on my case about how it’s not a real job and i’m pretty much useless in the house and i don’t contribute to anything. i want to respect him and do more, but it’s hard to be in a house where everyone is depressed and projects their issues. my mother is also bipolar but is always giving me advice she can’t take. i know it’s not easy having a kid who’s bipolar, but it seems like they don’t even try to understand me. everyday i wake up and feel so stuck. i feel like i don’t have a place here. even my hardest isn’t enough. + +i don’t want to be here anymore. im tired and angry. i have no interest in anything anymore other than sex and work because it at least distracts me. + +also my cat too, she’s the reason why i wake up every morning. other than that, i have no interest in doing anything with my life. i don’t care about anything and i never have really. i’m tired but here i am at 2 in the morning unable to sleep because i’m burdened by my thoughts.",Bipolar +50346,"Paradoxical cycle of my past, present and future and suicidal ideation Hi guys , + +So I am a bipolar and I haven't actually told anyone but few about my bipolarity. Anyway I believe being a bipolar affects the way I am thinking and the decisions I make according to my emotions which are instable and which will eventually lead to a feeling of regret and guilt later. + +So my problem is that now while the usual and frequent depressive episodes trigger, this depressive episode is the WORST so far, I live in this paradoxical loop and cycle between my past and all these nostalgic moments I am always recalling in my mind that could make me sometimes happy but also crying because I miss these moments so much and miss the people that I don't see anymore but have been a great part in my life nevertheless left me for either no reason or with a reason that I couldn't really do anything about it, my present which is affected negatively by my nostalgia and emotions for the past and taking a great amount of time just living in the memories, living in the past and dreams instead of living in the present time, and my future which l do think about but don't care about it anymore, sometimes I used to think about my future to forget about the past but failed to do so. + +Thinking about what I could do in the future makes me a bit happy nevertheless when these nostalgic moments hit me, it just converts me from a happy person to a sad, desperate and disappointed person again that eventually lead to deep depression which cause suicidal ideation, mostly to overdose to death, but ends up with failed attempts to commit suicide. I can't even determine if these memories are good or bad by now cuz it depends as well, sometimes I just get the good parts of the memories while other times I just get the tragic parts and events that happened to me as for getting bullied recently at the university, losing my best friend, losing my boyfriend ...etc. I just believe by now that good memories are even worse and more hurtful than the bad ones. It just feels like getting stabbed in the back. + +These many emotions and mixed-up thoughts I get give me a headache and usually panic attacks, that sometimes I cut myself with a nearby sharp thing as well. + +I also have ADHD, social phobia and severe trust issues. I now feel so bad that I wish this world to stop and my life ends. Thinking about suicide already makes me more comfortable to end my struggle you know. So I've been asking if I am alone on this. Does anyone relate to my experience?",Bipolar +50347,"How do you cope with your past? I want to know how y’all cope with your past, like general traumas and trauma from things that happened to you and things that you did during manic episodes. +I find it hard and have intrusive thoughts about them, I’d love to know how y’all manage these feelings? +Have a great day, everyone. ❤️",Bipolar +50348,No family history? I was just wondering if there are others who have bipolar without any family history? I'm literally the only mentally ill person in my family. It makes me question my diagnosis when the disorder is supposed to be heavily genetic :/. There's obviously something wrong with me and the bipolar diagnosis fits but still.,Bipolar +50349,,Bipolar +50350,"What does a manic/hypomanic episode look like for you? TW: Self harm, along with some of what you’d expect in mania +Be specific with examples if you’re willing. I want to see how bipolar varies for people because sometimes I feel invalid. Here’s a list of my symptoms as well in case anyone also needs some reassurance that everyone’s different! +For me it’s: +- Losing sleep, (but not quite all of it—I have an anxiety med that increases need for sleep though so that could play a role) +- Paranoia about all my friends and the world around me +- Risky decisions in terms of conversations with friends, putting myself in a physically dangerous position, and the things I put inside my body +- Hearing whispers +- Feeling like God (and being pretty good at convincing myself I am) +- Sensory issues specifically with touch +- Making boatloads of artwork (it’s my hobby) +- Over-emoting +- S*lf h*rm, but not taking time out of my day to do it, just doing a project or task and being like “I bet I can h*rt myself doing this” +- Talking a lot and having something to say about everything +- Doing tasks super rushed and poorly +- The urge for violence (verbal or physical) +- Not responding to people because I’m in a thrill of art or work +- Leaving my house at any hours during the night/day +- Etc. I’ll edit if I think of anymore",Bipolar +50351,"Coping with my friend I yelled and screamed at my friend via phone using cursing words for 2 minuites during my hypomaniac episode. The reason was that my friend (who does not REALLY knows about this disease) joked about suicide. The context was like, sorry I'll just die~ in an friend chatroom - while my head was literally full of suicidal intentions. And I warned for several times that it triggers me. + +Now I am receiving no messages from him for a week (which is unusual) and am really confused. Is this relationship toxic? Does he deserve apology first or Do I deserve apology first? I think I still value my friend but WTF is happening with my life? Would be great to get some advice. Thanks. + +Note) I am taking meds and visiting doctor (chatgpt just repeatedly recommends this)",Bipolar +50352,"Announcement on our AMA with Dr. Tracey Marks Hey all, we’ve rescheduled our AMA with Dr Tracy Marks while we work out the technical logistics. + +&#x200B; + +This decision was not made lightly, but we do need more time to make sure that everything is set up and functioning correctly before we can go through with this event. We ask that you have patience at this time, and we will keep everyone updated on our timeline once we have everything situated. + +&#x200B; + +In the meantime, please check out Dr. Tracey Marks on [Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCL2QpphEeZFYwk6-WXD6hpA), as well as her [official website](https://markspsychiatry.com/). + +&#x200B; + +We thank you for your understanding and are looking forward to seeing everyone when we do have this event. + +&#x200B; + +The current date for the event is: **TBD**.",Bipolar +50353,"CHECK-IN WEDNESDAY ✅- March 22, 2023 How are you feeling so far this week? Let us know how you're doing. + +Share as much or as little as you're comfortable with (within the rule guidelines). + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11xzt6g)",Bipolar +50354,,Bipolar +50355,,Bipolar +50356,,Bipolar +50357,,Bipolar +50358,I'm so tired of being bipolar for the medication factor alone. I try to refill and stay on my medication but there's always an issue between cvs and my drs.office regarding some of my medications. The Dr office will say I have a refill in and then I'll go to CVS and they will say it's awaiting prescriber response and it can only be refilled with the drs approval. (it's Depakote) then I call back the Dr and they say no it's in there but they will call and NOTHING ever gets done. This has resulted in me multiple times being out of my medication when I need it overnight and now I'm up at 4 am. Listen I have to work tomorrow! I have a life. I can't just be up at 4 am feeling all weird and not being able to sleep. Should I change Drs or what??? Pissed off,Bipolar +50359,"Bf won’t have sex if I’m in mania Edit: Should have put MIXED in title. During mania - we need sex to straighten out sometimes. + +I’m on the end swing out of a mixed which has lasted about ten days. I wasn’t in psychosis or anything extreme. I’m not off my meds so it wasn’t super dramatic or anything. Worst thing I did was throw a cheeseburger into the sink when I got some bad news about my dog. + +So, we had sex last night and afterwards when we were cuddling in bed he kissed me and said “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you.” + +We chatted a bit more and he said he’s been dodging my sexual advances because I wasn’t feeling like myself and he felt wrong about pursuing anything sexual when I wasn’t my exact self. + +I hadn’t really put it together. I don’t think I’ve ever been so respected in my life. How does everyone else’s SO handle sex in mania or mixed?",Bipolar +50360,"I'm coming out of a hypomanic episode and need to talk about it. I've been hypomanic for the last 3 weeks. I'm medicated and I'm teetotal etc so it was relatively minor. But fuck me does the depression hit me like a ton of bricks. It's more physical than mental at first. My limbs get heavy. I have zero energy to get up and do simple things. I procrastinate. Skip a few meals. Not brush my teeth. Leave a chore that needs doing. Then in a few days I'll feel all the mental affects coming in. If I'm lucky I'll just be comatose for a month. But if a mixed state comes along then it's panic attacks, anxiety, despair and suicidal ideation. Fingers crossed it's just depression. + +The hypomania was alright this time around. I have spent a bit too much, worked a bit too hard, overshared a bit too much, socialised a bit too much. But no real damage this time. It was intense but kind of pleasant. But I can feel the dip is going to be huge. This is anecdotal but it feels like if my mania is under control (no psychosis and no mixed state) the depression part is deeper. Feel kind of quietly melancholic on an epic scale. If that makes any sense. + +It's going to be a slog for the next month. I should be happy I've got things under control I suppose. Anyone else want to share their experiences coming out of mania? It would make me feel better to hear others going through and surviving similar.",Bipolar +50361,"Childhood Emotional Abuse? I just read that bipolar disorder is linked to childhood emotional abuse. I was also reading about how narcissistic abuse, specifically, causes brain damage. Sadly, I think this is probably how I developed this disorder. Has anyone else experienced something similar?",Bipolar +50362,,Bipolar +50363,"Failed medication change I'm on 1200mg lithium, 200 mg lamictal. +We're going to go down from 1200mg to 900 mg lithium and then increase the lamictal. + +It did not go well. Anxiety went up through the roof. Just super super bad. + +Then I went back on 1200 (per psych) and the anxiety started improving. Now it's coming back. + +I'm positive this is just my body's biochemistry adjusting back but wow this sucks. + +I just needed to vent.",Bipolar +50364,"today I cried in therapy because I’m tired of people worrying about me. I have confidence in my ability to take care of myself. I have been hospitalized twice and it was my decision both times. + +Now it’s a concern on whether I’m capable of moving out of my parents’ house. I’m a grown woman. I have a corporate job. I go to therapy. I go to groups. I take my meds. I have hobbies. + +Worrying is not the same as caring.",Bipolar +50365,"I keep missing my meds and honestly don't think I care anymore I've been so good about always taking my meds when I'm supposed to since I started treatment, but for the past few months I just can't seem to remember to take them like I'm supposed to. On top on that, I've gained so much weight since being on them and I'm just so fucking tired all day, every day. + +I'm just so over it all. Like everything. I haven't worked in like three years because I'll lose my insurance if I can even manage to find something I'm able to do. My only support system that understands what it's like (they have bp2) doesn't give a shit about me anymore so there goes that too. Getting to a breaking point and I'm scared. + +Just needed to vent.",Bipolar +50366,"I'd rather have cancer Then at least there'd be a hope of getting cured and resuming a mostly normal life. If I knew I just needed to push through the next few years of misery, and then it would be over one way or another, then I think I could do it. And if I did end up dying, at least it would be out of my control. No one judges or blames a person who dies of cancer. No one judges someone for dropping out of life completely to go through chemo. No one blames themselves for their kid dying of cancer. People have so much compassion and sympathy for people with cancer. Why is it that the same compassion isn't extended to people with incurable, lifelong, crippling mental illness? Why does someone's pain have to be cosmetically obvious for people to care, or even believe it's real? + +I talked about this with my mom, who barely survived her own cancer, and she agreed with me without hesitation. I at least feel grateful to have family that can understand and support me, a luxury I know many of us don't have.",Bipolar +50367,"So I got a Therapist… I haven’t had a full time therapist since I was 14, I am 35 about to be 36 in a month. I am scared, I was honest with her and told her my issues with therapy and meds as a child. I flat out told her about some of the suicidal ideation and that I am never going to go through with hit fir collateral emotional damage reasons to loved ones. I also told her that I don’t trust therapists and the reason I have avoided going is I am afraid someone would overreact to my dark thoughts. + +Anyway. Wish me luck. Next visit is second week of April.",Bipolar +50368,"Rant but not really,newly diagnosed but then again I’m not Hello all , I’m new here but I feel like I shouldn’t be lol +Yesterday was kind of a mental health day as I was talking to a social worker who was helping me find a new therapist. Long story short we got into my previous diagnosis’ and I told her mild depression , adhd and anxiety. Yes these are true but however the one that is relevant to this post that popped up that I didn’t know was bipolar. I end up contacting my previous psychiatrist because I did not recall him saying this ( I swear he didn’t ) and he said yes but it is unspecified. He diagnosed me because of my constant irritability and made a point to say today I may be in remission because I wasn’t as snappy as before. I honestly Just thought the things he would say would rub me the wrong way. Next week he’ll do a full evaluation. + +A few years back another therapist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder I forgot which , but I remember her say something of me being manic. I honestly don’t think she’s working anymore but I wanted this evaluation at the time because I believed I was bipolar starting around 13-16 years old. I had my reasons for it. Fast forward to last year my last psychologist said I was misdiagnosed and it was just adhd/add. I had mentioned my sex drive/hyper sexuality (which I may speak on in another post), my impulsive urges to do things, mood swings that can be intense, etc etc she said it was just a mixture of my depression and adhd. +So now here I am, and thinking back to the things I’ve done before and do now. These things I am trying to control and make sense of mainly the hyper sexuality I started to wonder if I was just a sex addict because of my habits and started looking into help to stop these things but yet my only problem is when I’m in the mood lol. +I’m at a point in life where I want a second opinion, or I just don’t want to believe or say I am even though I have the signs more than I’ve even mentioned.",Bipolar +50369,"Do you live in fear of being involuntarily hospitalized? I've been involuntarily hospitalized once and it saved my life. It was something I needed at the time. However, following my diagnosis, I worry that family members will use it against me if I'm acting in a way they don't approve of. I'm worried they'll tell police officers I'm ""mentally ill"" and that I'll be handcuffed and forcibly hospitalized. Is this fear realistic?",Bipolar +50370,"Trying to fix all the damage I caused Long story short, I was diagnosed with depression back in 2021 after a rough year and 2 failed suicide attempts December 2021. Physically and mentally I made a full recovery by May 2022, my ex of 7 years cheated on me in June and I surprisingly dealt with it really well. I’d been off work March-September due to factors outside my control which was stressful but again, I dealt with it well. I returned to work and on one of my first days back the most beautiful woman I had ever seen walked into the office. I’m a confident bloke but I was nervous AF! I spoke to her for a bit and thought there would be no way she would like me, fast forward a few hours later and she’d requested to follow me on instagram and we got chatting. We met shortly after for a date and it was like we’d know each other years, best date ever. From this point we both took it slow and just let things happen naturally. The connection we had was unlike any other and for both of us to feel the same was just unreal. I asked her to be my girlfriend in October and she was genuinely excited about it, this made me realise I’d found someone special. Shortly after this I had a serious family emergency and that was ongoing till January, she was my rock, my guardian angel throughout this whole ordeal. I’m 29 and I’ve cared for people a lot in relationships but never been in love despite them all being long term. I thought I was incapable but this woman changed that and she’s the first I’ve ever loved, and hopefully the last. On 02/01/23 the family emergency situation came to a close with expected but still devastated news. From this day on my mental health started to deteriorate but predictably, nothing too rapid. 05/01/23 I went over to my Nan’s house late at night after work to drop a birthday card off for her birthday the following day. I walked in to find her dead on the kitchen floor, this was the day I deteriorated rapidly. I needed my girlfriend desperately for support but I was just far too much to deal with. I wasn’t just depressed, this time it was different. I was awake 4-8 days regularly and would only sleep when I’d black out. I was exhausted but completely and utterly hyper fixated on anything that came into my head. Because it was my girlfriend who had become distant I stupidly bombarded her with messages begging for help and reminding her how much I love her. She wasn’t leaving me she just needed space and I could cope on my own. 20/02/23 2 men tried to steal my car and I managed to keep the car and defend myself but suffered some bad injuries in the process. I was hit 11 times with a knuckle duster and 40+ times by the other bloke with just his fists. I was left with 4 skull fractures, fractured orbital bone, broken nose and broke jaw. I’m an ex professional Muay Thai fighter so I’m used to a certain level of pain and discomfort but this was different, although I now have slurred speech, blind in my right eye and have lost substantial weight this hurt me mentally. I started to have panic attacks and I was going through episodes of what can only be described as mania and borderline psychosis. Again I continued begging my girlfriend for help and pushed her even further away, shortly after this she ended things. She made the right decision because I was horrendous and I was dragging her down. This present day I’m on the mend now and I barely remember any of it, the days all merged as one. It feels like someone else has been living/wrecking my life and last week I woke up and have been given it back. I’m now trying to fix all the damage I’ve caused, I’ve lost most of my friends, family and the love of my life. I’ll never give up on her but for now I can only love her from a distance. I hope one day soon she forgives me and wants to speak again but I also need to get some advice if anyone has experienced this before. I’ve spoke to numerous Dr’s in and outside the hospital but have just been dismissed as I struggle explaining it and play it down. Thanks in advance and apologies for the long read",Bipolar +50371,"Do you swallow your pills one by one or all at once? I’ve always taken them all at once along with my multivitamin and didn’t know so many people took them one by one. That seems so time consuming, especially when you have ten or more to take. I just put water in my mouth, lean back and let it sit in the back of my throat, toss the pills in, open my throat to swallow then drink some more water. Been doing that for over twenty years and never had any issues and never got any of them on my tongue with the nasty taste I hear about. Does anyone else take their pills like this?",Bipolar +50372,"Did everyone else get strip searched when they were sent to the mental hospital? Or went voluntarily ig. I didn’t. I felt like I was treated like a criminal I felt so violated. I wasn’t overweight I was fit at the time but it still felt so degrading. I remember liking how I looked as I took off my clothes and stood there. They just got all giggly and excited and said “ooh a blonde!“. After I literally hated my body I felt like it took everything sexual away from my body sorry tmi. I didn’t eat for 3 days after then binged on the worst hospital food. I wish I said no. It literally affected me a lot more than it should have but it was a week after I turned 18 so like it just felt weird to me. The age isn’t important it can feel weird to anyone idk im being salty. Idk it’s another late night and I can’t stop thinking about the mental hospital again even tho i was there almost a year ago :/. + + +I think about it less now tho which is good. Sorry I sound soooo grouchy I think everyone had to go thru this as well. Right?",Bipolar +50373,"Chicken or the egg? discussion! Hi everyone! + +I have a question that has been occupying my mind for a long time, and I hope that this will spark a discussion and we can get deeper into understanding bipolar and find some answers. Maybe some of you are wondering the same. + +The question: mostly during manic episodes when my mind is racing at an alarming pace I wonder if this is all caused after all by external factors that make me stressed out OR by the bipolar itself, so from within. Like, I'm starting to stress out because a situation occurs that is out of my control: turmoil in a relationship, some annoying interactions, things at work etc. Or I start stressing out because of a shift towards manic? + + This is where I'm lost: at times I think that because of the diagnosis I overthink the stress and anxious feelings; knowing and convinced about my diagnosis i fully inserted bipolar behavior into my own identity and it informs my actions? But we don't live in a sterile bubble, life is life and always something is happening. + + +For context: +during my manic state I start pacing, mind racing, increaced heart rate, twitches and intrusive thoughts. I start walking fast through streets almost running away from this, and I end up looking into passerbys eyes and then it's as if I'm being thrown into their lives, as if I live through their experience, I imagine how they act, what happened in their childhood, flashes into their daily routine, interactions, frustrations and happiness. And then I look at a window on some far away building, start imagining and experiencing the life of another person in a similar way. + Then I get thrown back into my body into reality and become more overwhelmed. Then it's my own memories of the past, then imagining my own future and so on. + + +The experience is intense and doesn't stop. When it wears off eventually I regain focus, calm and ability to think clearer. Happens periodically about every few months and lasts usually about a week, maybe 2(depending how I deal with it after the peak. It's not the most intense that happened but I don't wanna go in even more details, because this is already TL;DR + +Edit: I have been diagnosed by 4different doctors on 4 separate occasions, and rejected that idea for about 7 years until it became too unbearable and I was legit worried that this time I'm definitely not making it through. + + +So let's discuss the initial question! Would love to hear your thoughts about this chicken or the egg question and gain some insights!",Bipolar +50374,,Bipolar +50375,"Upgraded ADHD Based upon recent memes I made the 200% upgrade to my ADHD, which is now known as AD4K. This choice has been sponsored by my good friends hypomania and anxiety. Also I would like to thank my good friend and worst enemy caffeine addiction. + +No focus. Brain go woooooo. + +Anxiety is super overwhelming, sensory input is cranked up, and so are my emotions. This is the worst feeling ever! I love it! + +Later today I think I'm gonna ask my dad for help with finding a doctor who will actually help me. Maybe try to book an emergency appointment. Right now I'm gonna work on getting some work done and hopefully I can keep this up for a couple hours at least.",Bipolar +50376,"Living a fulfilling life despite bipolar I really could use some success stories. Are you diagnosed yet still feel like your life is good, well balanced and you find it fulfilling? Tell me all about it please. I really need to hear some positive life stories",Bipolar +50377,"I need a support system and I'm scared of myself I'm 30F. Been diagnosed since I was 14. By SEVERAL doctors. My parents never ""agreed"" (as if there's something to agree on a medical diagnosis) so I was unmedicated for most of my life so far. This gave me a lot of time to figure when a phase was coming, what triggers it, but also a lot of time to do stuff I shouldn't, which hindered me greatly. Because of that, I only started living on my own when I was 24, and that's when I started medication. + +To help with all this I have PCOS (which triggers depression) and long periods (which trigger anemia), so when I get my period I get depressive episodes AND I am physically exhausted and depleted. Which causes me to sleep more, which causes me to go further into depression. + +My bf does his best to understand but it's all a bit beyond his grasp. My parents still don't recognize my situation, so they are of no support for me. I don't have many friends, and only one of them is actually supportive, but she has a rough life and is usually busy with lots of work or something similar. + +So, I'm on my own. I want to straighten up my sleep schedules, but I know I can only do that by decreasing the amount of sleep drastically, which will trigger a maniac episode. It's mostly mixed, not generally full blown mania, but it does get there sometimes and it's like a kinder egg, you only know what you got when you open the box. So it can either go ""let's get the house deep cleaned"" or ""let's blow up our credit card, take on 76 projects I won't complete and f*ck the neighborhood"". You never know. + +So I'm scared to get my sh!t together, basically. And I feel lonely in all this...",Bipolar +50378,"i loved mania but… the creativity i had was second to none. i was often sad that i wouldn’t experience that creativity and passion again but… i am. everyday. it’s beautiful. i realized, that all that fun stuff is still in my head and accessible. we are all geniuses! had this revelation while walking around miami on 0 hours of sleep. does anyone have any recommendations on what i should do to avoid a manic episode? i will call my psychiatrist and let her know. i’m medicated on Abilify.",Bipolar +50379,"Lamictal and delayed period? Any correlation? I recently got back on lamictal 3/14, I was supposed to get my period a few days ago and so far still nothing. From what I remember the last time I was on lamictal I never had an issues with it affecting my period but things could be different this time around. Has anyone with a uterus experienced a delay in their period as a side affect of lamictal?",Bipolar +50380,Constant Drowsiness on meds? Does anyone else experience this? I can’t really describe it other than it feels like I can’t keep my eyes open or concentrate- it’s not just feeling tired. I’ve gone down in dosages three times and am still having this problem. All else seems okay though? From what I’ve read online drowsiness is common with bipolar meds but I haven’t seen any suggestions to help it?,Bipolar +50381,Yup. Done. Literally never been so fucked up in my 10 years or treatment and meds. I am honestly having a hard time imagining waking up tomorrow. I just want some fucking peace. I want all my pain to go away.,Bipolar +50382,"Online Support Groups Does anyone have experience with DBSA or other support groups? More specifically, online support groups? Are they helpful? There seems to be nothing available in south Mississippi and I am really struggling and would like to connect with others like me. I’m just way too isolated and it’s taking a significant toll on my health (mental and physical). All suggestions welcome.",Bipolar +50383,"Spring time and mood changes Diagnosed bipolar 1. +I never realized how the seasons really effect my mood . But spring time always seems to bring a change in me . These past two weeks have been rough especially with the time change. But for the first time I’ve realized myself becoming manic. Luckily it didn’t get to that point . But it could of . Anyone else going through it during the change of seasons ? +And what do you do to cope ?",Bipolar +50384,"Transfer of care request denied (UK) please help advice needed I have been under the care of a community mental health team for 10 years for my bipolar and GAD, I recently moved across the country so my psychiatrist put in a transfer of care request to a mental health clinic in the city I live now. I just received a letter from this new place saying my transfer of care request has been denied because my psychiatrist stated I was stable so they are discharging me to my GP now. + +This can’t be right surely? not only because I have bipolar and need regular appointments with a psychiatrist to monitor/manage my medication etc, but I’m also unemployed and the mental health team were just about to help me with preparing to slowly get back to work starting with volunteering, they told me this new clinic would help me with this and now that won’t be happening I feel completely left in the lurch. How am I supposed to work or do anything without their support? I don’t know what to do, the letter sounded very firm and final about this but my psychiatrist was adamant I would continue to receive support from CMHT. Please help",Bipolar +50385,"Having to start over is killing me. Who has successful rebuilt their life after mania? Especially if you have a low stress tolerance. Mania ruined my life I miss my old life the way things use to be I work so hard for everything and went thru so much in life just to destroy it all. Now it’s been almost 5 month and I try to start over went to a new school and trying to make new friends everything and it hurts so bad because it doesn’t compare to the life I use to have. I need some help. How do you rebuild everything! + +I cry everyday after I leave class because it hurts so much that my college degree extended by another 2 years and the anxiety of wondering if I can do it. This hurts so much how do you rebuild your life after mania it like I keep trying and it just ends up upsetting me.",Bipolar +50386,"How do you guys deal with making mistakes? I (32 f) can't seem to handle even the tiniest mistake. I made a mistake whilst driving today, nothing bad happened, just received an excessive amount of horn honking, I didn't do anything horrific but I just can't get over it. I feel like I should just quit driving altogether. It's been the same all of my life, I still die inside on an almost daily basis because of mistakes I made when I was a teenager.. I'm just looking for some coping mechanisms if anyone has any",Bipolar +50387,,Bipolar +50388,"Do you guys dwell on the past and past interactions? I used to be a cosmetologist, and for a while was really good at it until this illness drug me into the depths of hell, I made a few mistakes when I was at my absolute worst (nothing like them losing all of their hair or anything major) but a couple of years ago I went to pick up a pizza and the girl very angrily said, ""I think you did my hair once."" And all I could say was, ""That must have been a couple of years ago.."" and she said ""Yeah about 3"" and sounded PISSED. I keep replaying this even though I haven't done hair since 2017. It plays over and over in my mind telling me I am worthless. I am now pursuing a career in graphic design and my failure of my hair career (I was fired at Christmas time, they told me we were going to be decorating for Christmas, but instead it was a meeting to fire me...even brought in the owner's father to pray over me...which sent me into a major freak out resulting in an ambulance being called) anyway, my mind keeps replaying the loss of my career that I once was so good at...and telling me what a POS I am and that I won't ever be good at anything again. Do you guys go through this?",Bipolar +50389,"I accidentally double-dosed Lamictal and Seroquel I'm sitting in my kitchen - not at work - because I accidentally double-dosed my meds last night. I was absent minded and totally didn't remember if I had taken them or not. I didn't want to *not* take them, so I took them not knowing if it would be a double dose or not. + +&#x200B; + +When I woke up this morning, I realized that yes, it was a double dose. I was speaking incoherently, it took me forever to write the text message to my boss, and walking to the bathroom felt incredibly laborious. I fell back asleep for five more hours. + +&#x200B; + +Right now, my biggest side effect is slower breathing. Not too slow where I'm worried, but slow enough that it's different and I'm noticing it. + +&#x200B; + +I was really, really worried for a spell, but I know that this will work it's way through my body and I'll be back to normal shortly. I'm going to go fall back asleep again and hopefully wake up feeling better. + +&#x200B; + +I found some comfort searching bipolar reddit yesterday, so I hope that sharing my experience is helpful to someone. I'm fine, I will be fine, and I'm just going to take it really slow and take good care of myself today. Oh, and be more careful about taking my pills.",Bipolar +50390,"How to get motivated to workout when depressed? Basically what it says in the title. + +In theory, I know exercise helps with symptoms, and I like going to the gym when I'm not in the depths of depression. However, when I'm depressed, it's nearly impossible for me to motivate myself to go even semi-consistently. I get stuck doing nothing. I have trouble getting myself to put my gym clothes on, let alone actually walking there and completing a workout. + +Also, I don't experience much, if any, of the usual pleasure I get after I work out (normally I'd feel better afterwards) when I'm depressed, so it's pretty hard to convince myself to do it because ""I'll feel better later"". + +I've tried going for longer walks and other stuff, but if I'm honest dragging myself around my city in the rain alone with my dark thoughts doesn't help much. I go out most days with my dog, but when it gets bad I can't even begin to face it. + +I know I sound like I'm being lazy and dramatic, but I'm serious. I really can't stand the idea of getting up, putting on my clothes, putting on my shoes, getting my dog ready, finding my keys, finding my phone, putting on my coat, locking up, going down the stairs in my apartment building, walking for 40 minutes, climbing the stairs again, then unlocking my door and going in. I get stuck between steps and find myself outside alone in the cold too sad to walk home, or staring at the stairs (pun) in my building unable to drag myself up them. + +I get psychomotor slowing when I'm really bad. It's physically difficult to walk. It feels like my body is made of lead. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to complete an activity that would normally take me half that time. + +For people who've been able to push through this and get themselves to exercise, how?",Bipolar +50391,How do we celebrate/recognize International Bipolar Day (March 30th)? Have it on my calendar that International Bipolar Day is a week from today. Wondering if anyone has ways they commemorate the day. Is it meant as a day to spread awareness and destigmatize the condition?,Bipolar +50392,"Alcohol and sobriety Has anyone had any luck staying sober for a long period of time? +My partner and his family drink often. I really want to stay sober but I feel I won't be fun or the person he met 9 years ago if I don't drink. When I do drink I can black out and or do things I regret and it messes with my stability. How have you handled going to social events sober and still having a good time ?",Bipolar +50393,"I’m too tired I am tired of my mental health and doctors visit is and therapy and meds. I hate being stressed out working 14 hours in a stressful job and working my weekends . I’m tired feeling like a failure. I’m tired of feeling invcovoe to feeling nothing. I’m tired of having memeroeiw come back of my spouse hitting me and belittling me. I’m tired of fearing a horrible manic episode ruining my life. + +I hate feeling like some kind of whore. I hate the things I did with my body with others when I wanted help. I hate that I only seem to be out of breath trying to run to just get by. + +I feel like I cannot get out of a cycle. And after trying to take my life at various times, it starts feeling more like not that big of deal to just try again. + +I feel so confused and upset that I have lived in such a closeted way. And when I try to hide all about my sexuality, it is like people can just smell it off me and sometimes just seem to prey on it and come after me for it. + +I’m exhausted. Too exhausted and tired of so many things.",Bipolar +50394,Lowering dose of Latuda I have been stable for 2 years now and titrated my Latuda down from 60 mg to 40 mg because I was oversleeping. It’s much better now but I want to talk to my doctor about reducing it down to 20 mg to make the sleep even better. Is 20 mg a maintenance dose for bipolar type 1? I’m confused why my doctor prescribed me Latuda when I don’t experience depression symptoms and only had one manic episode a couple years ago.,Bipolar +50395,"Man I really want to get a cat Man I want a cat, one of family members has 2 rag doll cats that I pet sit for a few weeks at time when he travels. When those cats leave the loneliness really starts hitting me. Some days I don’t want to talk to anyone, but having a cat near helps with being by myself. I love cats man, so cute. I got some good friends but no girl, so a fluffy cat to snuggle with would make my day.",Bipolar +50396,"Fear of being happy Every time I start to become happy, to work on something, to even obsess a bit about it I’m scared I’m becoming hypomanic and that I should do something to control it. It an awful feeling: being afraid of happiness cause you don’t know what it can turn into. As this even happened to you?",Bipolar +50397,"I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1. Looking for advice and tips? I just got diagnosed with bipolar type 1 today and this is all new to me. I'm on medication for bipolar and an antidepressant as well as an anxiety medication. + +Any advice for someone just diagnosed would be greatly appreciated",Bipolar +50398,feeling better on lower dose of meds? so i’m moving from lamotrigine to lithium and in order to do so my dose has been cut in half for a week. i’m moving to lithium because lamotrigine has been making me more depressed but i’m three days in and since i’ve been taking a lower dose i don’t necessarily feel hypomanic (sometimes i don’t detect it right away but theres not really my usual warning signs) and i don’t know if maybe i’ve been taking too high of a dose or if it’s just like one of the cases where someone goes off their meds and thinks they’re doing better than ever but is actually manic and can’t see it 😅,Bipolar +50399,"Starting Strattera on top of bipolar meds. Anyone on Strattera? Psychiatrist wanted me to try Strattera because he thinks stimulant most likely will cause anxiety or manic. Anyone experienced manic while on Strattera? What was your experience like with this med? + +I’m on Latuda, Wellbutrin, Seroquel and clonazepam. Anyone try Strattera with any one these meds?",Bipolar +50400,"i’ve had a rough week :/ this is literally just me going to vent bc i don’t have anyone rn and i feel like talking to a community that knows what i might be going through is more comforting than talking to people who i know aren’t going to get it or will worry them. + +so last Thursday my friend and I got into a big fight over me not answering my phone , the jist of that is i was called selfish and told i throw a pity party for myself every time I talk about my relationship with my mother ( it’s bad and has only gotten worse as im am adult now ) as well as her insinuating that i undermine their relationship with their parents ( which i do not , because that is not the type of person i am for whatever that’s worth ) and it ended with us blocking each other which is something i initiated bc I couldn’t deal with how uncommunicative she was being it alone interfered with a lot of other plans, like us going to prom together so now im torn about even going to that since it’ll be my senior prom but then the idea of being outside is to much + +so that Monday was my birthday and I had invited two other friends of mine , one of which I was supposed to be moving in with and had been planning to do so for years only for her to tell me the night i turn 18 that she doesn’t see it being realistic , which is fair and I’m not angry with her but it just seems like my life is falling apart , and I know in the future this won’t even matter but i am having borderline suicidal thoughts and can feel my depression getting so ugly that I can’t even look in mirrors or think about my future. + +i feel really lost and I’m trying to stay positive and have my perspective be that of gratitude but I’m struggling and im just so fucking scared about what I’m going to do in my life. I was thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend but I can’t even trust that the thought is mine or just my brain going into overdrive. I can’t even look people in the eye anymore . I just want to sleep and I want to run away and just go somewhere but I know that’s my avoidance talking. + +don’t really know why im posting this , i think maybe I want to hear about your stories of overcoming things and getting to where you are now or just to know somebody else understands.",Bipolar +50401,"For functioning: more frequent regular tharapy or occupational tharapy? I’ve been struggling with daily functioning. See the cluster fuck of a last post I had on here as case in point. I’m not working because of PTSD plus bipolar making my brain panic mush. I’m doing better than I have with episodes in the past. I’m getting out of bed. I’m doing care for my little family, my husband and pets. I’m mostly taking care of the kitchen and all food related things for the household. + +I’m just resting a whole hell of a lot more than I want to. I’m wasting away my day with nothing good to show for it. Probably 50% of the time I’m awake I’m in bed or sitting somewhere comfortable doom scrolling. I need to provide income so we’re not so tight on money. After consulting the hive mind of my friends and family everyone and myself have concluded that I need to start a business. I have an idea I’d like to track down but I can’t get going. It’s become an extended issue. I just can’t get going. + +I have a tharapist I love and I can’t decide if I need to see her more often to work on this. Or if I need to go to occupational tharapy. I’ve done occupational tharapy in the past and found if useful, but I’m not convinced it would be a second time. + +I’ve met my deductible so more tharapy with my regular tharapist is free. Tharapy with occupational I’d have to find in network. I live in a rural area so unless I can get virtual from the metro in my state it might be difficult to find something that’s covered…",Bipolar +50402,"I feel like I'm subtly giving up and I can't stop Background: I'm bipolar 2. I'm a 42 year old man. In addition to the bipolar, I'm autistic and have been severely abused throughout my life. My wife left me suddenly and with no warning after 15 years of marriage. I'm still in love with her despite her cheating on me twice. I blamed myself, but it doesn't change anything. She also left me with both of our kids, who I love a lot, they're 10 and 15. We've decided to slow date again, and see if we can actually be together, but she's already saying it's hopeless before the first date. Yeah, I know, it's a really bad sign, but I have to try for me. + +Now: I can't stop sobbing all the time. Like hard, hurt sobbing. I'm in therapy and I'm on meds. I'm not actively suicidal, but I am starting to worry that I might be slipping into a suicidal trance. I think about it daily and I keep pushing the kids into my brain to stop it. I don't really have anyone to talk to because of the aforementioned marriage, there's a lot there and a LOT of people would tell me don't give her a second chance, including my 15 year old. I feel so fucking stupid for still loving her despite the harm she's caused me. But let's get back on subject. Today, when I was signing out of work on Slack I typed ""Bye"" to my boss unconsciously, I've never done that before, it's always been, ""See you Monday,"" or something else. I held my 3 cats each in turn today and just wept and hugged them. I wandered around the house (I work from home) after work and just felt melancholic and went into each of the rooms and thought about memories in that room. I don't know what my brain is trying to get me ready for, but I'm scared of myself right now. I can't really talk about it out loud to too many people because if the divorce goes forward I might lose custody of the kids because of it, even though they've both said they want to be with me and she is the one who left. So here I am. I don't know what is happening, I'm scared and I have no where to really turn at the moment.",Bipolar +50403,"Lamictal Hair? Ok, kids. I switch over to Lamictal from Dep several years ago. I'm pretty stable on it, but I think I scored a weird little side effect and I'm curious about how widespread it is. My hair went from having a slight wave to it to being decidedly curly. Google ""research"" seems to indicate that this is a possibility. Has anyone else noticed changes in their hair after taking it for awhile?",Bipolar +50404,,Bipolar +50405,I can’t believe I’m like this forever I can’t believe this is real and this is me. I am bipolar and I’ve always know but it’s just crazy to have it reiterated to you. I am going to have to be like this forever. On meds forever. In therapy forever. It’s so fucking over whelming. Knowing none of my relationships will ever be stable fucking hurts,Bipolar +50406,"Recently diagnosed 24yoF. I was recently diagnosed this past December. Bipolar (and other mental illnesses) runs genetically on my mothers side of the family (i didn’t get to know my mom she died) her sister is bipolar, but she is a very heavy meth addict, so i dont really go to her for advice or support. My dad is one of those people that don’t believe in a mental illness. My doctor has given me a low dose Seroquel/cymbalta combo and it does help 75% of the time. I also started a new job, i used to be a medical assistant, but i honestly think it made my condition so much worse. I think i always showed signs of being bipolar but never recognized them. But when i was a medical assistant i think it made me so much worse. I’m here because is anyone else’s mania miserable? When I’m manic it’s like I’m so overwhelmed with adrenaline. I cant sleep, extreme irritation/rage and horrible anxiety. How have you learned to tell the difference between how you actually truly feel, and when your being irrational? Is it possible to have a successful/stable relationship when your bipolar? Sometimes i just feel like when my feelings are so strong and intense i am such a toxic person and it’s gross, and i want to fix it.",Bipolar +50407,"What kind of therapy do you do? I haven't had a therapist for a while because I felt like it wasn't working for me. I am very self aware which just seems to make it difficult. I can describe my feelings and thoughts well so they don't understand why I'm struggling. It's like, just because I can articulate it or locate the source of the problem doesn't mean I'm actually working through it. Does anyone else have this problem? I feel like I haven't found a therapist that really gets it yet so I barely make any progress.",Bipolar +50408,"Losing friends over diagnosis? Just semi recently some people who I considered long time friends and I truly believe it’s because I was being more open about my diagnosis. For context they has DID and alters and I tried to accommodate for them as much as I could. Yet they randomly removed me after we spent a few weeks together (it was a visit) +I don’t really know what went wrong as I took my meds and I have a passive nature in general. No manic outbursts or emotional ones at all. We all were laughing and having a great time laughing and doing fun activities. But as soon as I got home one of them just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. And I truly believe it was discriminatory behavior because I would bring up my diagnosis/ make jokes of because they would do the same. (Making jokes of my diagnosis helps me cope in a way) It took me bit to collect myself but I’m doing a whole lot better with therapy now that they’re not in my life anymore. They were also very against seeking medical advice for mental illness and rather get high and not address their issues with a professional. Has anyone else here ever lost close friends that backstabbed you over your diagnosis? Or is it better for people with this disease to just keep everyone at arms length and give the cold shoulder out of fear of discrimination or assumptions on what they think bipolar is? Most people don’t judge by the content of your character anymore and it’s so incredibly sad it has to be that way",Bipolar +50409,"Is it possible to turn your life around if you hate every waking moment of it. After finally coming to terms with the fact that mania has ruined everything good I’ve worked so hard for in my life, I’m recommitted to bettering myself. Only issue is I keep comparing my current situation to the past when tunings were good. + +I really want to graduate college. I do. I went for three years. However, now, I cry after every class and have panic attacks at the thought of having to do the work and/or study to get through it. Not to mention that my program of study is going to take 2.5 years to complete and I have no motivation. + +I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m miserable if I just sit home and do nothing and I’m miserable when I go out and actually try something. Advice?? 😞",Bipolar +50410,"my bipolar is mostly just ✨spicy depression ✨ Sure, I get some highs (cyclothymia) but at this point most of my short life was spent in depression. + +I tried most flavours of depression : there is the burnt out one, the high functioning one, the low functioning one, the one where you lay in bed for weeks, the one where you pretend everything is fine but you just stare at a blank wall all day, the one where you can't speak anymore, etc + +And I only got a sprinkle of highs. I know I shouldn't wish for more highs but the lows are so goddamn low, I just want to get at level 0. Hypomania is not a side dish in my plate : it's barely a spice. + +So spicy depression is my lot. I feel I'm always pretending to believe it's gonna be okay. + +So yeah. Bad day today. Bad meal. + +Maybe I'm just a terrible cook.",Bipolar +50411,"Maintaining my own mental health while helping a friend I have bipolar disorder with a comorbid anxiety disorder. I became symptomatic around the time I was 13 and was diagnosed at 19. I’m turning 40 in a few months so I’ve suffered/lived/almost died/laughed through this illness for over 2 decades. I have a friend who I will call Amy. Amy was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety after a stressful life event. Amy knows about my diagnoses and we are very close, so she has turned to me for questions and emotional support. I love Amy. I want to support Amy the best I can. But the amount of emotional support she is asking for is starting to drain my own mental health resources for staying stable. Additionally, Amy makes a lot of comments about our experiences being the same and she “gets what’s it’s like for me now” when she very clearly does not. She is not making these comments from a place of ill intentions. I know mental illness is not a contest and mental health treatment is important for everyone. However, I have started to internalize it as “Amy is downplaying everything I’ve been through.” Does anyone have any advice on how I can support Amy while protecting your own mental health?",Bipolar +50412,"impulsive while depressed I feel like I always get impulsive when manic, but also impulsive when depressed. I relapse on drugs more when depressed and I do more risky behaviors in an effort to feel something better then how I feel. + +When I’m depressed I’m Impulsive in order to escape the feeling I have vs when I’m manic I’m impulsive because I don’t think things through and everything is a good idea that needs to be done then and now.",Bipolar +50413,"Happiness After 15 years of misery, trying countless meds, being hospitalized multiple times, enduring 4 suicide attempts, I have achieved happiness and peace. My life is not perfect, there are things I still want to acheive. But the old me is gone. I am no longer a slave to the conventional desires of life. I want to spend the remaining time studying religion, philosophy, and happiness. And no I am not going to quit my day job.",Bipolar +50414,"food as the main coping mechanism I eat a lot, more after I started my meds. When I am stressed or under pressure I have a big appetite for food like sweets. I eat even more when manic even tho I am not hungry. I think I do it cause I have control over it, but I see now how out of control it has gotten. I gained like 40 kg in 1 year and I am so unhappy with myself. I wish I could loos them kg over night. But the appetite never gets away and I eat again. It is vicious circle.",Bipolar +50415,"Insecure in relationship - TW: suicide I had a serious suicide attempt a few days ago where my bf had to call an ambulance and I was in the ICU for a couple of days. My bf had already been through one (minor) attempt with me 6 months ago. He was really upset this time and told me that if I have another attempt he won’t be sticking around, it has to stop, it’s too much for him. He also said I can’t self harm anymore or the relationship will be done. We’ve talked about getting engaged before, and he says he will need to see me 100% clean for a while before considering marriage now as he doesn’t want to have to get a divorce if I relapse—he is full on serious about this ultimatum. + +I’ve never felt insecure in our relationship until now. I feel threatened, I can’t guarantee that I won’t have another attempt or self harm relapse for the rest of my life. He is the sweetest, most supportive, loving and caring bf I have ever had and I want spend the rest of my life with him, but now I feel like it’s inevitable that I will lose him. I feel heartbroken already. I’m scared of losing my person. + +Any advice or words of comfort are welcome. I just needed to get this off my chest.",Bipolar +50416,"What do you do to help with taking meds? I’ll go first: i take my meds at night. + +I have a 10 section pill box where I pre cut my blister packs into individual portions and put them into the sections, which I stick a small blank sticker on top of each section of the pill box ; on the sticker I write the date next to the day of the week. So for example “24/Fri” or “26/Sat” so on and so forth. + +This way I know at a glance whether I’ve taken the pills for the day or not (or whether I’ve missed a day of meds)",Bipolar +50417,,Bipolar +50418,"Spiraling My best friend and emotional support companion, Lucky the cat, passed away on Tuesday of an undiagnosed brain tumor. I’ve been struggling with a major depression episode for a bit but this is so much more than I know how to take. I’m meeting with my therapist on Monday, but it hurts, and I miss my fur baby so much…",Bipolar +50419,,Bipolar +50420,"Can mania permanently alter the way you react to different drugs? Benzos don’t work for me anymore. I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine + +It’s also changed the way I react to nicotine, I get way more buzzed than I used to. I know nicotine isn’t good but I’ve been using it as a temporary replacement for my benzos until I find out what’s happening. + +Also I know it’s implied but just to be clear I only had benzos on an as needed basis",Bipolar +50421,AWARENESS DURING PSYCHOTIC MANIC EPISODE I have been wondering for a while how much self awareness do you people have during manic episode or is it nearly non existent because i don't mostly remember doing some stuff I must have done while i was manic but my friends and siblings always have video proofs of it.,Bipolar +50422,Every. Single. Time. Every single time I think I’m getting better I’m just not. I thought I was healing but really I was masking my depressive symptoms with drugs. Now I’ve ran out of drugs to binge on and I can feel myself spiralling into mania and I don’t wanna sectioned again I just can’t please someone help me,Bipolar +50423,"Tiredness relieved ON Medication I have seen a lot of posts with the inverse saying there medication makes them fatigued. But recently I took Zyprexa for 2 months (and thought I would be fine off medication, and didn't like the sex side effects) and on it I felt totally normal and also stopped taking naps. My fear of fatigue, tiredness, and sleepiness was essentially gone. + +Now I am back to crying all the time, napping all the time and exhausted. I am 36 and have been bipolar my whole life but I did make it 12 years off meds before recently taking them. I don't ever remember being that tired. I had no idea depression could do that to someone. I want to sleep all day. I hate it.",Bipolar +50424,,Bipolar +50425,"Snake oil Saleswoman at work is triggering me very hard She's talking about how her and her partner use energy healing and using frequencies and tapping into the multidimensional levels of consciousness to heal the body mind and spirit. + +Apparently all mental health diagnosis are bullshit and all you need is some energy healing to address their physical, mental and spiritual issues. Also apparently my past lives are continuing trauma as well. + +Western medicine is bullshit and so is therapy apparently. + +I'm so upset. All of this sounds like my psychosis and hearing it from someone who sounds sound of mind is so confusing and upsetting. I thought I was having a spiritual awakening and having that ripped away from medication and a diagnosis was really upsetting. + +I'm stable now and wouldn't ditch my meds ever but hearing stuff like this makes me feel like I'm broken. + +Edit for anyone who cares: I'm sorry for being disrespectful of other cultures who utilize these methods. To be honest I meditate and have explored a lot of what she was talking about and found some comfort in it for a while. My main issue is her completely discounting modern medicine and who knows how many people are running around having episodes thinking they are operating at a God frequency because of people like her. Won't apologize for using the term snake oil Saleswoman because if the shoe fits...🤷",Bipolar +50426,"Overwhelming sense of death I have this overwhelming sense that I'm going to die soon. It's not a fear, I just... like. This is it. This is where it ends. + + +I have no idea why but I cannot shake it. + + +Should add I also am starting to get the like.... weird staticy feeling I start to get when the psychosis symptoms start to play up",Bipolar +50427,"Finally in Remission Hi everyone! Got back from a trip to Denmark last Friday and currently hypomanic at home. It was a rough week but I’m interested in support right now. + +I’m doing fine meaning I have my family and friends around me. I‘ve been on meds for 11 years but I missed them twice in Copenhagen and drank because I was anxious. I went solo after being sober for 5 months. I’ve never been to Europe before so it was all a bad combination. Now I know my trigger for drinking: anxiety. I see my therapist on Monday. + +I’m being told I’m doing everything right but I still get scared it will be as bad as my last episode.",Bipolar +50428,"Feeling down again Hi everyone, idk I think this is just ranty but need to move this energy into something else. Been feeling so so down especially these last few weeks. We upped my Wellbutrin so hopefully that helps. Everything just feels so pointless and I’m really struggling to find a reason why I should even be here. I thought that school motivated me but now I’m just repulsed having to do school work even if it’s about something that I used to enjoy reading/writing about. Do I even want to major in this anymore? Do I even want to do this career?? Do I even want to do ANYTHING? Nothing is fun anymore, I can barely find the motivation to play my favorite games. I usually just end up laying in my bed with my phone or watching the same show everyday. What are you supposed to do when nothing sounds appealing to do? + +Work fucking sucks all the time, which makes me sad because I really loved this job. It’s taking everything in me to not just go cry in the bathroom after every single customer interaction. And then I feel guilty because they pay me well and provide great benefits so I should be thankful right? Idek WHY it sucks, customers aren’t that bad and my coworkers are cool enough. The work itself isn’t hard or boring. But I just don’t even want to work. But then when I’m home I don’t want to be there either and I feel like a piece of shit for laying in bed all day. + +Idk, I’m not gonna do anything but it’s been *really* hard to want to be here anymore. I don’t want to tell my therapist cuz tbh a stay in a psych ward sounds substantially boring and lonely. And I would miss my partner too much. And my cat. I *think* about stuff I should/could do to improve my life and it’s an endless cycle: thinking of all the great things I should do tomorrow (exercising, rearranging my bedroom to be more comfortable, whatever). Then I wake up and do none of it. And feel bad all day. Sometimes I wish I was manic just so I could feel something other than shitty. But mania sucks too so?? Sorry, I’ll get off the soap box now I just wanted to scream my sadness into the Internet void.",Bipolar +50429,"Manic and can’t sleep I was literally depressed-ish for like a week where all I could do is lay in bed and rewatch shameless (got through a season a day, that’s like 11 hours of tv a day 💀) but I started my new job today (which went well!) and at some point it turned to mania and I’m so tired and took so much sleep stuff but I can’t sleep or relax at all I’m so thriving can you tell live laugh love",Bipolar +50430,,Bipolar +50431,,Bipolar +50432,"I don't know how to be present in the moment and time slips away I feel restless from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed, i am an artist for a living and i use to enjoy making art. Let alone self care like long showers and making a nice meal. Everything feels rushed, like time is running out. I'm never fully present when doing things and i always find my mind wandering and not focusing on the task at hand. Mentally i'm scattered with just about everything and executive function is non existent. I want my life back and I want to feel like I have time. Even if I tell myself I have time I can't just sit down and have my mind stop too. My mind never stops even if my body can't keep going",Bipolar +50433,"Being the crazy lady I’m 61 now and was diagnosed bipolar 1 at 28. It’s quite severe, I get psychotic and inhabit a whole alternate reality. Despite taking meds religiously all these years, and trying so many different combos, I still average one manic episode per year and they can go on for months. The consequences of the episodes have been serious, especially when younger. I haven’t been able to hold a job and am on disability. + +Unlike many of you that I see here I am often not able to ‘catch’ myself, and once it’s at a certain point I lose all insight and am belligerent if people try to suggest I’m not ok. Last year I seemed to have a good year and felt more hopeful and optimistic than for some time. But that came crashing down when I was suddenly arrested and dragged off to hospital in the New Year (I’d done nothing criminal but I guess I must’ve been acting strange). + +One of the hardest things for me is the shame and humiliation for how I acted when manic while being adamant that there was nothing wrong with me. In retrospect I could have been seriously harmed or worse when I used to roam around the streets at night and do risky things. Nowadays I mostly just post obnoxious nonsense online and get myself banned or blocked. I’ve lost friends, like many of us. That irresistible desire to communicate seeks an outlet, you know? + +I just wondered if anyone could relate.",Bipolar +50434,"Vent: I just wasted 2/3’s of my savings during my 2nd manic episode, can anyone relate? Just so disappointed that I (25M) spent 2/3’s of my savings on bullshit. Mainly clothes, books and random items from local stores that I never use. I worked a lot of different jobs to earn that money since the beginning of college (7 years ago) and in a little less than 2 months most of it is gone. Can’t even afford to join my family on a vacation to visit my mothers homeland because it’s too expensive for me… And being consistent with a job while my meds are kicking my ass energy wise is extremely difficult. Just feeling down about my situation, I know it’s not forever but damn. Don’t wanna be another guy that’s just negative on this thread, so I hope whoever went through something similar like this will continue to have faith that things will get better and know you’re not alone in your experience. Stay strong guys 🖤",Bipolar +50435,,Bipolar +50436,"Anybody have prosopagnosia/facial blindness? Wondering if there’s a link between that and bipolar. If you’re not sure what I mean, it’s when you have a hard time remembering what someone looks like/recognizing people. Like if I see a friend in public I’m never sure if it’s actually them or if you ask me to describe someone’s features I’d have no idea. Actually a good example is after yoga class I won’t be able to recognize which person is the teacher after everyone has left the studio— so I try to memorize the teacher’s tattoos or outfit color so I know who to thank after class. Anybody else experience this??",Bipolar +50437,"How do you accept life the way it is? I feel like I’m never going to have an actual support system or a life worth living. I’ve been homeless for almost a year. Finally got connected with a psychiatrist but he prescribed seroquel and I’m terrified to take it because of the weight gain. + +I don’t have any real life friends and my bf is great but doesn’t fully understand how bad it is inside my head. + +I don’t know how I’m ever going to not live in my car because every time I have some money saved something happens. + +I guess I’m just venting because I have nowhere else to talk to people who may understand. + +Update: found another organization that works with homeless people here so I just completed registration paperwork for that. They also provide mental health services so I’m hoping they will be able to help",Bipolar +50438,"Realizing mania in my past I am just laying in my bed not tired and I have been thinking about the past and realized how many times before diagnosis I was experiencing this. + +Working 65 hour weeks, hypersexual behavior, obsessive behavior, delusions and stuff. I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and definitely have been experiencing this since maybe 10 -12 years ago + +Now I actually understand the extreme paranoia, delusions, and minor psychosis and extreme hypersexual behavior + +( I don't have psychosis much, but this year I tried to jump out of moving car because my mom's car was filled with bugs (hallucinations) ) + +Anyone ever just realized how long we have actually been dealing with these side effects of bipolar?",Bipolar +50439,"How soon do you tell someone you’re starting to date? I am currently in the process of getting divorced but looking towards the future and getting back in the dating scene I realized I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing! My ex-husband was with me when I was diagnosed so it’s never something I had to really “tell” him about. + +I have bipolar II and overall it has been fairly well controlled until recently in going through this divorce. I had a severe (for me) hypomanic episode followed by a severe depressive episode but now am back on meds, picking up the pieces, and getting back to a feeling of normalcy. I know that the stress of dealing with my addict ex plus the stress of the divorce absolutely contributed to the severity of these episodes so I’m hopeful that moving forward I will continue to be well managed. + +My concern is that in dating someone, eventually I would want them to know what I’m dealing with, but I understand people who would not want to be with me due to this condition. Obviously telling someone deep mental health stuff on a first date would be off-putting but I’m just wondering if any of you have found a good way to handle this appropriately?? Thanks in advance 😊 you all are amazing.",Bipolar +50440,"How do I make friends as someone with bipolar/social anxiety? I've never really had a best friend, and at most I've had like 2-3 good friends and then a bunch of people who I'm friendly with but would never interact with outside of school (college). I'm worried my bipolar is scaring people away. I feel like even thought most people don't know i have bipolar they know something is wrong with me it drives them away. I'm eccentric, show up having a completely different mood than the day before...typical bipolar stuff and I just feel like people know I'm not right. or maybe there's other reasons I'm not good at having best friends. Out of my two closest friends, I guarantee I am in neithers top 3, top 5 maybe not even top 10. (Not even being self depricating I know it's true) How can I be closer friends with people?",Bipolar +50441,"I feel like im so much for my bf Idk i feel like he has to go through so much shit to just be with me, he has to handle my highs and lows, remind me and convince me to take my meds all the time, i feel like he could have gotten any other ""normal"" gf... + +But u know what? He says he loves me unconditionally, he supports me in both my highs and lows, he genuinely cares about me, sometimes i wonder how a broken girl like me got so lucky? + +Any guy or girl would have ran as soon as they heard me say i can cure depression... but he didn't he just tried to ground me in reality, and ofc recommend i go to the psych ward which i eventually did. + +Just thought i'd post something a little bit more positive this time around. + +I'm happy",Bipolar +50442,"Brain Fog/Memory Loss First time poster, still trying to figure out Reddit. My friend recommended this app once I got my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 last year. I’m 29, diagnosed at 28. + +Ever since my psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I have been suffering from serious short term memory loss. I’ve never had the most attentive brain but before I started taking my medication/had someone to talk to I remembered things too well if that makes sense. + +For example: my fiancé and I were talking last night and I pulled out my calculator and typed one number in and then all of a sudden I couldn’t remember what we were talking about 2 minutes prior. Then I asked what we were talking about and he gave me the most concerned look. I know he isn’t mad at me but worried. It’s happening so often I’ve started writing everything down. Like everything, conversations, tasks, reminders, messages I need to reply back to. It’s getting ridiculous. + +I’m currently taking Busprion 15 mg 3x a day, Hydroxyzine 50 mg 3x a day, Aripiprazole 10 mg 1x a day, and Buspar 150 mg 1x a day. + +Also, I work a very high stress job. I am a program coordinator for a low barrier homeless shelter. We deal with death, ODs, fights, assault of staff, rape allegations. It’s rough. Maybe this info will help? Idk. I just wanna know if it gets better or if I’ve given myself permanent brain damage.",Bipolar +50443,"Dealing with this condition. Hello everyone! This is my first time posting in this group. I was diagnosed with bp2 after struggling for years with depression and supposedly mania also. But I was also diagnosed with adhd a little over a month ago. Both felt like I was diagnosed relatively quickly. Idk if that’s a good or bad thing. My depression has always been bad especially in my teens but my best friend died of suicide when I was 18 and it got worse from there. Im currently 21 and have no will or desire to pretty much live( not suicidal I think) life just seems pointless when im always depressed, I have zero motivation to do anything. Im in therapy but it feels like it’s not helping. I was recently put on vyvanse to help with my supposed adhd diagnosis. It’s helped with my motivation a little but hasnt really done much. And every anti depressant/psychotic has either made me worse or done the bare minimum which is keeping me alive. Ive been on 5+ different medications since my bp2 diagnosis 2 years ago. Ive had maybe 2 or 3 hypo manic phases since my diagnosis but their never anything more than a day or 2 of euphoria and more motivation and a splash of poor impulsive decision making. I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than how the fuck do you guys deal with this? My lifes been at a complete stand still since I was around 16-17. I have no diploma, no job and not a single desire to pretty much be a human at this point. Sorry for the long post I just figured I’d give an insight to what life is for me. Any help/advice is much appreciated since I feel so alone and like no one understands.",Bipolar +50444,,Bipolar +50445,Dismissive psychiatrist Started latuda awhile ago and I just had my follow up appointment. My memory recall and all around cognitive abilities have declined significantly. I have anxiety and fears that I've never experienced. (Fear of death etc). You know what my psych told me? These aren't things common with latuda. He told me that I need to get tested for obstructive sleep apnea. All of my symptoms point towards that instead of mental illness. What the hell! Ive been on meds since I was 15 and know myself well enough to have awareness of how something is affecting me. I hate how dismissive some doctors are. I'm searching for yet another psychiatrist. I'm so over this.,Bipolar +50446,"Dependence on therapist I attend IOP groups and individual therapy sessions at the same place, my therapist who I have worked with on and off for a year and a couple months just told me today that she is leaving soon and I am heartbroken. I love my therapist and I don't know how I am going to keep progressing without her. There will be a replacement for her but idk what to do, I don't want a different therapist. :(",Bipolar +50447,"Manic Spending Sprees I'm diagnosed bipolar 2, and whenever I'm manic, I get reckless and spend money like mad. Does anyone have any advice to help with stopping this? It's killing me and makes my depressive episodes way worse.",Bipolar +50448,"How do you deal with your past? I dated an undiagnosed bipolar 1, while I was an undiagnosed bipolar 2. We met on a mania in our early 20s. I’m sure many of you can imagine the drugs and “fun” we had on our high. + +I ended up pregnant. He came down hard and I started having suicidal thoughts from all the drama being bipolar entails. I had an abortion. It was the abortion or drive off a bridge. Even his catholic family had choice words for me, that made me feel all the more trapped. + +I cleaned up and went back to college, and started traveling more. He went to rehab 2ce. I wrote him while in rehab the 2nd time. He was kicked out of rehab for acting on his hyper-sexuality. Him and the lady became a couple and had a daughter. I leave him alone, because now he’s diagnosed and I took a few college courses to educate myself on mental illness. I knew he wasn’t in full control. He would call me from fake numbers in the middle of the night, and we’d talk, never meeting up. His lady caught on and would call and confront me. I sent her receipts that it’s him after me. Eventually he stopped contacting me knowing I’d snitch. + +It’s been 8 years and I’m now diagnosed, and medicated myself. I recently had my own daughter. I’ve been thinking about him, and looked him up. He reached out to me 2 years ago, right before I was diagnosed, and I responded with his arrest record. + +As I’m looking into him, I find out he was in a coma from going in to cardiac arrest. He’s learning to walk, talk and move his hands again. It looks like he lost a finger. His family hasn’t posted any information about how or why. Also my daughter has the same name as his mom, totally forgot his moms name and my spouse picked the name. + +I’m in this fog of wanting to reach out, but also, why? We are living separate lives. It’s been almost a decade! I questioned if it was real love or the mania for so long.. + +My spouse and father of my daughter is a good guy. He’s stable and loving. He isn’t jealous and we have talked about the ex in the past. We have agreed that we chose each other and not the ex’s. However, he will never understand what not being in full control is like. + +It’s how I ended up on this sub. Looking to see if I was as crazy as I felt. Looking for similar experiences and stories, and boy did I find my community. + +Just looking to get this off my chest; and for y’all’s 2 cents, and experiences.",Bipolar +50449,"moodiness I’m looking for some tips on how to handle moodiness. Clearly I go through swings of up and down, but on the downs it’s really hard to not feel tired and irritated by everything. People want to talk and I just want to go into a corner of the room with the lights off and just clonk out. I’m on meds which makes things SO much easier than they used to be, but I still get strong symptoms, so I’m looking for maybe something alternative I can practice on top of meds? any suggestions?",Bipolar +50450,"New diagnoses I went for years thinking I had ADHD because of a childhood diagnoses of hyperactivity in the early 70s ,I'm 57 now. I was put on Ritalin than sedated me until it reversed and mad me worse. + +I got a diagnoses Of Asperger's syndrome at age 4o And thought the episodes were part of that . I Have been getting worse but I felt like superman when I was up and took it a a good state to be in ,Hardly the case people would be frightened of my actions which I could not understand why, they wanted me to move faster at work (cooking 40 years) I would become increasing more agitated as the months would go on. and would just fly off the handle and have a melt down and bye bye job. + +I never felt out of control until recently when my father died in February and I have been on full throttle for a month now so I changed my Psych doc and said that I was manic and took me off the anti depresses that my old doc prescribed. and gave me abilify and buspirone Just wed mar 23 2023 it has been a month since I slept more than 2 hrs. I still up but I am coming down slowly. + +I never notice the down side I just knew that I felt better not moving as much to the neglect of housework, and no motivation to give a dam about work again I had an attitude wile when I was down almost hatting the people I worked with and being resentful of having to work. + +&#x200B; + +sorry if this is disjointed I'm still amped up to 11.",Bipolar +50451,"Help, I’m tired of it all Before I get into this, I know I was an asshole and I regret it so much that I’m crying. That’s why I’m here to ask so I don’t have to be judged by people I know. + +I’ve been fine for a while, surprisingly, considering I’ve been off my meds for a while. But yesterday was rough. I was starting to feel depressed and numb again so I did everything I could to keep it at bay. I went out, I tried to do hobbies, spend some time outside. But then my anxiety and paranoia started setting in. I feel like I was being watched and veery sound the woods made freaked me out. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to go inside and go to bed. + +Something to note, I’ve been off my meds but just recently realized I was a fucking idiot and am moving back onto them. For context of the next day, I took some hydroxyzine last night to help me calm down and sleep. I tend to wake up a bit groggy but it fades. + +But today i’ve felt horrible. I’ve been depressed, irritable, paranoid, I just don’t want to be here anymore dealing with it. +I have a dog and because of our house set up, I have to spend all day in the dining room with dining chairs and tile floor. No where to lay down. So I laid on the floor. Earlier I had been throwing a toy for my dog but stopped because my energy felt so low. + +As I was lying there, she kept nipping at my heels and barking when I told her to stop. Finally, my anger boiled over and I yelled at her. I said awful things to her that I don’t want to repeat, even to strangers on the internet. I put her in her crate and went to the bathroom to take a bath and calm down. I feel so awful about it and I hate feeling like this and hurting others. My medicine is supposed to help me but as soon as I started taking it again, this happened. + +Help.",Bipolar +50452,"i don’t get angry. can i still be bipolar? hello! i’m writing here because i’m not too sure where else to look. + +i have adhd, sensory processing disorder and an on the gifted spectrum. +recently i’ve been going to therapy for adhd, and a few weeks ago my psych brought up that i might have bipolar. i’ve done a lot of research and have talked a lot about it when her,and i definitely have bipolar. +im going to see a psychiatrist and try to get meds for it, but i wanted to see if anyone else is like this before i get it checked out. + +i do not experience intense anger. like… at all. +even before i started questioning if i had bipolar, i knew that i didn’t have the ability to get angry. +sure, i get irritated- but that’s only at my family members. in public i don’t display or even feel anger. + +maybe it’s because as a girl, any negative or ‘masculine’ emotion is seen as undesirable, but plenty of girls get angry. + + +i know not all people with bipolar experience aggressive behaviour, but i feel like i should at least be a little angry? i’m irritable at the most, and i feel like it’s the only trait of bipolar i DONT experience. +if anyone else feels a lack of anger, please let me know :)",Bipolar +50453,How do you manage feeling down about the future because of your diagnosis? Sometimes I feel really down when an “up” ends and I’m depressed once again. I want the cycling to stop but I know my up and down intense emotions will probably always be a part of my life. How do you deal with this?,Bipolar +50454,"hypomanic? lately i’ve been wondering if i have been hypomanic (have been spending *so much* money, mostly on my 16 new hobbies i have picked up for my new life transformation, have lost a lot of weight due to my ✨New Life Transformation✨, and never want to sleep because there’s just…so much to do!!! too much excitement!) +and i just caught myself laying in bed for the last 4 hours thinking about making a youtube channel and becoming fitness guru/lifestyle coach + +🤡 <<<<<< me affff LMAOOOOO",Bipolar +50455,"BD and daydreaming When I am stressed, I daydream excessively. +Daydreaming at times helps me to navigate difficult emotions and situations and gives me perspective. + +Sometimes I write my daydreams down as a form of release, it’s not always effective when I am doing it excessively - not enough time. + +I am worried I may end up being psychotic again. + +I have been sleeping all day and waking up at 4/5am since Feb 4th. + +I guess what I want to know is if anyone else with bipolar struggles with daydreaming and how they cope with it. + +Started taking Lamotrigine/Lamictal a week ago. + +x",Bipolar +50456,"Went manic and now my precious hair is ruined I wanted to cut layers in my hair as I always do, but this time, I messed up big time! I feel so stupid and sad. + +My hair is hip length and a big chunk in the front is not even chin length, it's like a bob with hip length hair at the back, man I loved my hair! Everyone loved my hair and now I feel so embarrassed because everyone is asking me, what happened? I feel so sad, I'm constantly Googling how long does hair take to grow out but it's so uneven, and that bothers me so much! + +That's why I cut it in the first place because it was slightly uneven and it triggered my OCD, do people who have both bipolar and OCD, know what I mean? Sometimes, my OCD triggers a manic episode, and it's so hard to ignore these silly and persistent thoughts. + +Any advice?",Bipolar +50457,"Just got over an obsessive manic episode I have been fixated on one thing in particular, rather not mention what it is but just one aspect of my life. I’ve been obsessing and it took me a while to realize I have been having a manic episode filled with fixation and anxiety. Couple years ago I would have never even recognized this as a manic episode and I didn’t during the episode now either but more as it was coming to a close and my brain felt exhausted. Has anyone else experienced fixation as a part of your bipolar? Examples are welcome!",Bipolar +50458,"Nicotine relapse when hypomanic I’m not sure what I’ll gain from this but I just need to vent my frustrations. I’ve also not slept all night so I’m more emotional I guess. I’m upset with myself but at the same time not because I expected it. I’ve quit vaping/cigarettes so many times. When I have it has been for long periods and I have been so thankful because I hate how I feel when I’m constantly abusing my body. +However, whenever I get manic and it’s a bit worse than usual I hop right back on it. I tell myself I’ll regret it and it’s just a mental craving yet I still go buy a vape or cigarettes and start the cycle again. I’m sick of it. +Ive come so far in terms of managing this disorder. Yet I can’t seem to get a hold on this.",Bipolar +50459,"I got a stern reminder that being stable doesn’t mean I am cured I recently had to lower my lithium (under doctor supervision) because my lithium level was too high. I started to notice that I felt less numb. I felt butterflies in my stomach and a warm, fuzzy happy for the first time since I was a teenager. It was intoxicating. So I thought to myself, maybe I don’t need my lithium anymore. I never tried stopping it completely after ECT. This was a bad plan… + +For the last few days I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time too. The overwhelming depression, self hatred and urge to harm myself. It was terrifying. And I found I was completely out of practice in suppressing those feelings. + +Back on my lithium… I am the first one to advocate taking your pills so I feel like a hypocrite. I have been reminded that deep in my mind bipolar is still there and still capable of destroying me. It was humbling, terrifying and discouraging all at the same time. Today I mourn the fact that I will never be able to fully feel emotions and will always have to be “sedated” to some degree. I shouldn’t complain because at least I have stability. But that taste of what life is really supposed to feel like and knowing I will never have it has left me in a bad way. I feel ungrateful for the stability I have and greedy for the way I used to feel before getting sick. I feel here is the only place where people will understand what I’m going through. - sincerely a very tired bipolar warrior",Bipolar +50460,"Being bi polar and no one understands you I was diagnosed 6 years ago with type 2 bi polar disorder and my God what a fucking battle it has been, from being on various medications at first to being on/off with meds to being stable on meds and now eventually being off my meds. + +Having this disorder is just too indescribable and majority of the people I've come across don't understand it, especially those close to me which is pretty fucked up. The constant questions of ""what's wrong with you"" to ""why are you like this"" +When I try to explain to my family members that I have a disorder they turn around and say ""don't speak that over your life."" Like tf? (They quite religious) + +Half the time I have no reason to feel how I feel and I control my impulses, my moods and my outbursts to seem normal to the world but its soooooo draining to feel like one day you on top of the world and life is great and then the next few days you feel like a piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything good. I guess thats just joys of not being on meds but even being on meds I still had to control it, there was better periods of stability but there was moments of is this shit working? + +The episodes that come whether depressive or manic unfortunately it seems as if my family doesn't believe it and it's all in my head...excuse the pun there but its really fucked up. Having this disorder has messed with my life in ways I couldn't imagine and in the past I didn't know its coz I'm mentally ill, I just thought this is me being normal until I was diagnosed everything made sense as to why I am the way I am. My habits and my patterns my way of thinking. + +I've lost out on so much I've been through so much and the funny part is I have nothing to show for it like it's been a wasted life. People came into my life and left me after they get to know me the rest of my family doesn't get it some of my friends claim they get it but their behavior states otherwise. + +I'm always in a place of I don't know and I keep living in my head and it really fucking sucks coz it feels like I can't find myself or my place in this world and all I can sit here and say is I wish I wasn't bi polar.",Bipolar +50461,"Something I wrote before I knew I was bipolar. I used to think it was a personality disorder, instead of a mood disorder. + +Dear Journal…well I really don’t know that much about you being dear… that’s clearly a lie as it is the first time I write in this type of journal -though I had been writing quite often on “my phone journal”-. Either way, dear beloved, and most precious electronic journal, I will bless thee with the presence of worded words that word the words I word. Today’s riveting topic…. My day! As I don’t think I have the mental capacity to write about anything else of meaning… or do I? The purpose of this journal thing is to make me a better writer in both English and Spanish, yet if all I put into the white walls is rubbish and nonsense, how am I to become better at throwing electronic ink at immaterial wood-stuff? Perhaps I should find something… as simple as it may be…something I can turn into cohesion. I guess it is as good a time as ever to speak about feelings… my feelings, nonetheless. + +How does anxiety feel? I know we’ve all been there. Any E-scripture on anxiety that you might stumble upon will say as much, but, baring mental health professionals, I don’t think that those of us that enunciate the word “anxiety” with statistical-outlier levels of frequency have the same notion of the concept than those whose usage falls into the mean. What I mean by that, of course, is that those of us afflicted by pathological levels of anxiety feel it in a quantitively and qualitatively different way. I guess that’s why we get diagnosed… catalogued as distinct by the authorities that oversee defining this part of society. We’re a messy bunch. It reflects in all facets of my life. + +I have messy hair, messy eyes, my room is messy my thoughts are scattered (and messy!), I can’t make a decision for the love of myself; the short version: I don’t work. I mean that both literally and figuratively, whatever that means! (think about it! What does the verb “to work” mean in a literal way? Is it having a job? But that’s having a job, we call it work because you do motions in a job, but we call the motions “work”, because “work” is the act of physical exertion right? I don’t know, this is literal garbage that I’m talking right now (talking/writing “garbage” can’t literally be literal (I think I just transferred a calque from Spanish, too long to get into this tangent))). I can’t hold a normal job; I can’t hold my emotions most of the times. Today some guy at the mall forgot my coffee, and I felt like as if I’ve murdered someone. I mean, I’ve never killed anyone -and I hope I never do such a heinous thing-, but you know that feeling you get in your chin, your chest and neck that pushes you down? The one you get when something bad, really bad is about to happen? I was feeling that over a coffee man. I stared the guy directly in the eye, not with the best of intentions. I was literally offended, but I don’t feel that it was in a normal way. How do I know that? Cause I didn’t use to be like that. Emotions, to me, seem to work now like to a BPD patient (perhaps I have BPD traits?). How do emotions work for BPD patients? Simple! Take an emotion X and then square it. A more detailed example: anger(in BPD afflicted individual) = anger\^2. Or perhaps it’s even a cubical function: i.e., anger\^3 (I don’t even remember if cube is exponential 3). Anxiety is writing parenthesis excusing yourself of mistakes in your personal journal entries that no one else will ever fucking read. + +Anxiety is looking at your neighbor and running away inside your home for no reason. Anxiety is feeling gutted for dreaming about the people that made you the happiest you’ve been in ages. Anxiety is snapping at those who love you, because you can’t love yourself and everything has a bitter taste to shit. Anxiety is wanting to die, looking at places where you could hang yourself, feeling relief at the thought of no longer breathing, imagining a knife to the throat, thinking about swerving into traffic, travelling, and not feeling anything, kissing someone you’re deeply into and not feeling anything, doubting everything you do, every single cell in your body being inadequate. Anxiety is knowing at a scientific level that something is wrong, but still suffering through it. Anxiety is abusing drugs, anxiety is depression, anxiety is the antithesis of life, of enjoyment, of love and all that’s good. This is “anxiety”, as this is obviously a corrupted, poisonous version of a feeling that’s supposed to help us survive: i.e., anxiety. “Anxiety” turns a survival tool against those who are trying to survive. + +Do my friends love me? -that’s what I’m stressing about as I type this-.",Bipolar +50462,How to make friends when your Bipolar? I’ve tried making friends in the past but it all didn’t went well because Im bipolar. I pushed everyone away during my depressive episodes and contact them when Im manic just to push them away again when Im depress. I find it really hard to maintain relationships. Any advice?,Bipolar +50463,"please help me urgentl💗 I had my first psychotic mania in June 2022.i was living with toxic roomates and I had my first episode ever. +I went and left the house for a month and a half.spent alot of money on hotels .slept a couple of nights on the street until I was brought back home by the end of July. + +I have been in depression and what I did was so traumatic I feel my brain is stuck on empty or trauma.i feel nothing but some fear and anxiety + +I was an energy healer and a dentist, and I haven't been able to go back to work or even connect spiritualty.i have no goals or direction + +Is it possible to heal or is my life over + +I am 29 now n last year was my first episode",Bipolar +50464,Good news! I just got home from an appointment with my psychiatrist and she’s told me that I’ve been improving 😍 She reduced my 3 meds to just Quetiapine and I’m really happy today 🧡,Bipolar +50465,"Urge to trigger mania I recently had the most intense manic episode of my life and went on a whirlwind of euphoria, rage, etc... I had to miss work several days because I couldn't handle it and my mind was racing constantly. I'm relatively sure it was caused by me taking a few adderall pills (not sure how much or the mg) because that's when everything started. I crashed super hard and I'm so tired now and can't even indulge in my passions. When I was manic, I was able to draw for 12 straight hours and then go to work the next day without even sleeping. I can't even pick up a pencil now and I'm so frustrated with myself. I want to be able to do that again and it's making me want to buy some adderall from a friend of mine but I know that it's not gonna do me any good in the end. I just wish I could do the things I like to do and not feel like shit - I miss being on top of the world. + +I'm probably not gonna do it because I do remember how fucking horrible it was feeling so much all the time like that but god I miss the good parts. Hope anyone can relate to this lol",Bipolar +50466,"psych ward (again) sigh bruh. when does bpd and bipolar get better. i’m currently in the er AGAIN. it’s like it never stops and it’s so hard to not lose hope or think that the short term happiness is not worth all the pain that comes w these disorders. ptsd is so so bad rn and i thought i had recovered. makes me feel like no matter what i can always relapse, i’m never actually going to recover. man i can’t handle a 3rd iop shit is 5 times a week 3-4 hours each session. being mentally ill is so exhausting i can’t learn to accept that this is just reality i have to deal with! how do ppl get past that things aren’t fair. i can’t accept things. how am i supposed to? i didn’t deserve this. things don’t happen for a reason, bullshit, it’s all meaningless and all my trauma was for what? to make me a fragile and vulnerable person with 8 disorders. i hate this. advice for recovery after this bc idk how i’ll get better.",Bipolar +50467,"Free mood tracking/habit apps Hey guys, I’m looking for a new app to use. I’ve been using Habitica which is fun af (makes tasks into a kinda game and you level up your character etc) + +But found this isn’t as helpful, as you can’t track your mood or feelings which is obvs important to us. + +I wonder, is there an app that helps with habits AND mood? I have limited storage and can’t afford a new phone rn, so two apps takes up a lot of room as opposed to one 😌 thanks in advance and look forward to your responses",Bipolar +50468,"How do I stop obsessing over someone, it’s Getting bad I dated a girl 5 months ago for only 5 dates but things got really intense then she left me for someone else. I’m so desperately trying to let it go cuz it be best for both of us, but when I fall for someone it’s not something I can let go as much as I try. I have a full and enriching life, I’ve been really trying to dive into my activities full ass but as soon as I have a second to myself I spiral. + +I keep texting her late at night basically crying to her how much I miss her and how much she meant to me. I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked me or told me to get over it cuz at this point I hate to say it I’m getting to the point I’m obsessive. I don’t stalk her at all, I just think about her all day and I can hardly focus at work. + +I don’t really drink but I’ve been drinking alone at night, I think about relapsing on drugs cuz I just don’t want to feel anymore but fucking fentanyl in my DOC ruins it. + +I have abandonment issues but no amount of meds, progres in life, friends or therapy has helped, only when I date someone I feel whole and I think if someone stuck around I could realize not everyone’s gonna leave me in 2 seconds but I have yet to have any evidence it’s not like that. + +Pls help, I feel pathetic, I’m just hurting so bad. I’ve had some really bad shit happen in my life but I’d endure any of that if somehow that would get her back",Bipolar +50469,"A fascinating thought I had when I was high So I’ve been seeing a new psychiatrist lately because my old one said it’s only bipolar 2, but may or may not be bpd as well but isn’t sure… so I’m seeing a new psychiatrist to get a second opinion and lmao i realised that if it turns out that I don’t have only bipolar but also have bpd, I can finally since the Hanna Montana “I get the besttttt of both worlds “ and truly mean it lol + + +Especially lines like + +“Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun +It's really you, but no one ever discovers” + +“Livin' two lives is a little weird, yeah +But school's cool 'cause nobody knows” + +LOL",Bipolar +50470,"Missing my old dreams. This is a bit of a rant but had to get it out. So I always dreamed of being a professional musician as I got older as like a full time thing. I played instruments since I was in grade 4, I was a very talented musician( not saying that in a pretenious way). Music was my life, I was part of jazz music programs inside and out of school , wind orchestras, scored perfectly on all my NYSSMA performances ( New York State Music Association) even skipped a few levels because I was advanced. And part of All County band programs(a hand selection of students to be part of a large bad group that would perform in front of 100's of people). I then moved on to get a scholarship to a music college, I however decided to join the army instead and became a profession musician for them for 8 years, performing for presidential speeches, Veterans day and St.Patrick day parades in NYC, played half time shows at NFL games etc. I used to love just sitting at a piano and letting the music flow through me, sure I wasn't the best in the world, but the raw emotion I put into my music was just a feeling I can't even explain, now it's been over 4 years since I've touched sn instrument and I just feel so empty about it. My living situation makes it difficult to practice playing and I just miss it so much. I just want to make music again and my depression is holding me back and I hate it.... I'm so sorry for rambling I just had to get it out, best of wishes to all of you",Bipolar +50471,"Lost possessions during mania I have lost so many of my dear possessions (watches, cameras, plants, clothes etc.) during my manic episode one year ago. I find it extremely hard to move forward from this as I am still a student (in Germany) and have very few possessions anyways. Any advice?",Bipolar +50472,Good Sign This is Tennacious. He's my first flower of spring and he bloomed on my first day in my new home.,Bipolar +50473,"Why doesn’t my family understand? I don’t know how to get my family to see me for both the good and the bad. I’ve struggled with mental health issues for so many years, and I think so many of my family members just see me as a big failure. +I’m moving into a brand new apartment on May 1 and I’m trying to share this good news with others. I really thought my family would be more excited for me. +Truthfully, I was so depressed and out of control in my current apartment. I’m amazed sometimes that I’m still alive. I don’t know why my family can’t see that, and can’t see the real me. +I have a great therapist and am working on this in therapy, but just wanted to post here looking for a little input and support.",Bipolar +50474,"Lithium thirst So I started taking lithium extended release about 1.5 months ago, I’m currently on 800mg divided into 2 doses per day, as well as 50mg quetiapine. And The thirst I’m experiencing is INSANE. Every time i drink, i chug the water the way someone would after a marathon. I wake up at least once at night to drink, and obv to go to the bathroom. +What i’m more worried about now is that i’m muslim and we just started ramadan, our fasting month, where we have a 14h period of fasting aka no food or water at all. I tried to drink as much water as i could during the feasting period, i also had juice, soup, yogurt, tea… but i just woke up, and I’m thirsty as helll, and we’re 8 hours away from eating. +Is there ANYTHING i could do to make this easier? Or do i just have to live with it? I don’t want to switch to other meds since these are working nicely for me.",Bipolar +50475,"Childhood BP symptoms Lol so i have no one I know who has bp and i don’t feel like telling them this in risk of them thinking i’m literally insane. + +I just found out symptoms can pop up as early as 6 years old?? In middle school, i was about 12 ish, Id be in gym class and always see these flashes of lights, and then started seeing them elsewhere. I was convinced it was angels trying to talk to me that I was special or smth. I’ve always dismissed it as stupid child shenanigans but it probably wasn’t. I love being able to look back on things i thought we’re normal and find out they’re not.",Bipolar +50476,"A more recent one I did Although I don't exactly remember drawing it ha, I think I'm gonna try to get back on meds",Bipolar +50477,"Can music be too much? DAE feel music too deeply? There are some songs that are visceral triggers for me both positively and negatively. + +I stumbled upon JoJo’s ‘Say Love’ recently and I literally sob every time I hear it, so naturally I over play it. + +Just wondering if anyone has this same reaction to music and if so, what are your songs?",Bipolar +50478,"Feeling grateful Like many of you in this community, I have cripplingly low self esteem partly from the depressive episodes I find myself in most of the time. Stability hasn’t been attainable for me- I’ve only been on meds for a year and haven’t found the right cocktail yet. + +Today, I’m able to give myself a small pat on the back. + +I’ll be sober a year, at the end of this month. + +I’ve abstained from casual sex/promiscuity for 2 years. + +I’m really proud of myself.",Bipolar +50479,"Raising a child as a bipolar parent How do you raise a child when you are going through a depressive phase and you can't even take care of yourself, much less a 5 year old? My wife left us a year ago, and I haven't even had the time to deal with that shit. My daughter constantly needs me to be there for her but half the time, I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide. I don't get enough sleep and I'm always fearful I'm going to enter into manic mode. I feel like a failure as a dad for having the constant changes in mood that come with bipolar. I take meds now, so I am much more stable than I used to be, but it's not perfect. I'm lucky that my mother lives nearby, and she helps out. I'm just curious if there are any other bipolar parents out there.",Bipolar +50480,Woke up 3am the past two days and being very high energy.. is this hypomania? Can’t tell if I’m just being active and productive or I’m just being straight up hypomania. I’m bipolar 1 and take meds daily. I thought with taking all my meds I’d never feel heightened or lower but I still do feel my moods go up and down even with meds.. but the moods are usually mild. But the past two days I’ve just been very active. Do you all feel the same sometimes?,Bipolar +50481,"Hypomania had me wrapped around its little finger So, I started Vraylar a few weeks ago to help with a depressive episode. A few days later I started having traumatic childhood flashbacks, ya know, the ones that make you physically ill. I also started buying a shit ton of scratch offs and spent WAYYYY too much money on them. I stopped taking the Vraylar because I just couldn’t do it anymore (I told my dr I wasn’t going to take it anymore) and it’s now hitting me how freaking careless with my money I’ve been for the last few weeks. I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. I’m disgusted with myself honestly. + +I told my husband about it and he’s being supportive and that makes me want to cry even more because I feel like I don’t deserve it. + +I don’t know how to get rid of these shitty feelings. I’m sick of having to take all this damn medication in order to function in society. I don’t have a bad life, I have an awesome career that I truly enjoy, I have a wonderful family, dogs that love me, friends, a beautiful home and I don’t necessarily hate myself and yet here I am, struggling with myself and this giant ass blanket of shame is slowly swallowing me whole.",Bipolar +50482,"Has anyone been able to get on disability due to just your mental illnesses? I’ve tried three times, sent in all required paperwork and have been denied every time. I have severe depression, severe social and generalized anxiety/slight agoraphobia, bipolar, autism, ptsd and ADHD. I can’t work and it’s ruining my life",Bipolar +50483,"Divalproex side effects In the past, I usually have taken abilify and lamictal for my bipolar, but because I’m breastfeeding, I am now taking divalproex. I know most side effects of a new medication wear off in a week or so but these side effects are unbearable. I have like every single one except the ones that tell you to immediately seek medical attention. The nausea and feeling like I’m gonna pass out are the worst ones. I just constantly feel sick. I take it at night to reduce these feelings but I still suffer. Any tips on what I can do to minimize these feelings. It didn’t sound like I had many if any other options while breastfeeding so I want this to work but I can’t feel like this.",Bipolar +50484,"BP1 Been on this earth for 54 years, diagnosed early, multiple hospital visits, some up to 6 months, my life has been horrible, seen so many deaths, I have died so many times, watched my son die, and in depression I am thinking is it really worth it. Think about the question. What is life? Its mundane and torture. To me its actually hell. So it confuses me why the docs want me to live so bad when its so damn horrible.",Bipolar +50485,"Memory issues? I've seen so many posts on here about people having issues with long term memory and I was wondering if anyone has found a way to fix/improve this. I literally cannot remember anything and am constantly misplacing timelines and just straight up forgetting events that have happened. I hate it so much and I just want to fix it, I'm tired of everything being so hazy. It feels like it's getting worse too- I went in for a CT scan in December because my memory is so bad that my psychiatrist was concerned that it could be a potential brain tumor. I just want to feel normal again",Bipolar +50486,"Starting to feel hypomanic I haven’t felt this way in a very long time and the mere fact that I am even writing here is a strange, it is painful to know what’s happening and what’s coming. Im contemplating if I should take tranqs or call for help. Im so good at sketching right no tho, like so good. I hate this feeling but also not sure how to not feel good right now. Everything is so bright and doable but I hate knowing this will end in a low I will not be able to fathom. +Sorry for rambling, just not sure if I’m making sense.",Bipolar +50487,"Travel Tips? How do you handle barking security agents, boarding passes, changing itinerary, foreign languages, rude locals, etc. without losing it? Here's what's worked for me: + +Photograph \*everything\* important - passports, credit cards, boarding passes, luggage, and store the photos in a locked folder on your phone. This helps recovery of lost items, lower your footprint if you get robbed, and it creates backups because you never know. + +Try to research as much ahead of time - Rick Steves advises to book the important stuff, but keep things open ended. I've found, since I'm so easily distracted, to have a few good options at all times that you can do in case things are getting weird. + +Go easy on the coffee - first thing I want to do in an airport or a new city is to have coffee. There's downtime, I'm jetlagged, weary, and already overstimulated, and caffeine I think adds to my disorganization. If I get lost, it makes me look even more like a crackhead asking for directions. It's best to get acclimated then act like a local. + +Assume you will get lost and account for it - my sense of directions are terrible. Without google maps, I would be at the front of Walmart, aged progressed, with a slightly insulting cash reward for whoever finds me. Set up SIM cards, initial itinerary, and a basic plan to get settled after arrival. + +Breathe, dammit! - everything's new, everything's stimulating, but you have responsibilities. Stay present and take.your.meds. Do you really want to be hospitalized overseas? + +OK how about you, gentle bipolar traveler?",Bipolar +50488,"Strangest symptoms medicine helps with I realized that food textures no longer bother me as much like mushrooms. I can eat them without being disgusted. Does psychosis or whatever make food textures weird or is it just something random? + + + +What has been your experience?",Bipolar +50489,Bipolar Disorder And Sex I’ve finally been on medicine that works really well like I’ve had no manic modes or depression that I can tell. My only issue right now is that my brain focuses on other things and I want sex all the time. I really don’t know what to do about that. Masturbation seems to not work for me anymore at least not unless it’s in conjunction with my wife. She seems very one and done with sex where I can go longer and more. It doesn’t help that we only have sex or do something sexual once a week or less. So I am just not sure how to fix that or what to do to stop all these sexual needs that it feels like I have a lot.,Bipolar +50490,"Can you sleep when manic? When you experience mania, are you able to sleep if you want to, or are you unable to sleep? + + +I find I have no problems sleeping when manic, I just don't want to and don't really feel like I need it.",Bipolar +50491,"At this point in life I rarely truly worry about the swings and cycles, but my brain has been so unstable lately that I'm am worried. It's been a very rough past couple years and so many things have been affected by what's happened. To be clear I am not suicidal in any capacity. My cat would never forgive me and I do enjoy being alive even when it's chaotic and kinda terrible. + +I have basically been rapid cycling the past 11 months with a few intermittent bigger episodes, dealing with a very fresh PTSD development due to being in an abusive relationship with someone who in a psychotic rage beat a woman so bad he caved in part of her skull. He's in prison now but it doesn't erase the damage done to her or me. + +I had 6 months med access instability, 1.5 years of job instability, housing environment instability, other health problems (ever tried to use your hands when you can't feel 80+ percent of them?) and these god damn hallucinations and crying spells really need to fking stop. + +I've been trying out more meds, different med combos, self-care, coping mechanisms. I've been in therapy and physical therapy and those are helping. I keep my appointments with my specialists and p-doc. I do my job the best I can and try to keep my shit together but I've been barely holding my head above water for such a long time with it all and I feel like I'm about to drown. + +No, correction. I feel like I'm drowning. I've been drowning for a while and I just realized it. + +I'm just trying to survive and it's getting harder and harder to do so. I'm bawling just typing this out. + +I did my taxes today and for the first time in the 13 years of paying taxes I authorized someone else to talk to the irs if necessary. I wrote down my important login information. I've been talking to my dad and my sister about the gist of everything. I know my sister will take care of my cat if I can't, I've already gone over all of Annie's overall care and needs especially regarding her medical care and environmental needs. + +I need a fresh start. There are too many ghosts in this area that haunt me and my dreams. I've had too much loss and trauma to call it home anymore. I want to move up north to the only place I can call home. I want to move into my dad's place and live with one of the few humans I trust. + +I brought it up today and he's thinking about it. I will see what his thoughts are about it later. + +I can't stand how things are anymore and I need to be better. + +In addition to my lithium, lamictal, vyvanse, buspirone, propranolol and gabapentin, I started vraylar last week but it's not working fast enough so I start olanzapine tomorrow. Maybe it will help me. I'm really hoping it will help me because I can't hold it together anymore, not even for my cat. + +I hate and despise my brain with the fury of a thousand bonfires. I wish I could be normal. I wish I was blissfully unaware of how any of this feels. + +I spent most of my 20's learning how to handle bp and to become and stay stable. But apparently my early 30's are having a laugh at what I managed to achieve. + +Edit: my dad said yes. I'll be moving mid-may after a few appointments and finalizing everything. + +I'm going to be paying cash for my meds for a little while until I can get on Medicaid, but that's okay. I'm hoping to fill my meds as soon as my insurance lets me (up to 5 days before the days supply ends) so I can build up extra. Maybe try to get a vacation override or something towards the end. I'm gonna work some extra shifts to build up some money. I gotta get Annie to the the vet for her annual exam and refills of her phenobarbital. And ask the vet if she will authorize an early refill or prescribe a larger volume so there's more of a buffer zone for her (because her seizures are both heartbreaking and terrifying at the same time). + +I have so much to do! I have more hope again. God damn I love my dad. He's always been beyond awesome and supportive, he has been one of my biggest supporters in multiple ways over the years. I legitimately don't know if I would be here typing this if he wasn't who he is. + +I had some happy tears today and I'm like to think they outweighed all the sad and angry ones that I've had lately. + +Edit 2: honestly this post doesn't even mention many of the other things, like the rage I have felt for sometime, a brief hope and desire to date someone. A miscarriage I still mourn and how I never told him that I named her. The depth of complexity and severity of my nerve, skin and gut problems and how much money has been spent on them. Or how I stopped loving my job because I hate the place I work and my coworkers are a pack of wolves who I've tried to hide weaknesses from. Or that i've just been so tired for so many years.",Bipolar +50492,"decreased need for sleep, difficulty taking meds:( i’m not sure where the best place to ask this is. i’m too afraid of bringing it up to my providers so i’m hoping i can seek support here before i mention anything. +i’m diagnosed bipolar type 1, i’ve only had one manic episode that led to psychosis. mostly, i struggle with rapid cycles of mixed mania, hypomania and depression when unmedicated. +the last maybe month or so(?) i guess i’ve had a decreased need for sleep. so much that my psychiatrist noticed it before i did and prescribed medicine for sleep. i’m taking my mood stabilizers regularly but for some reason i just cannot make myself take sleeping medication and these past two weeks i’ve noticed have been pretty worrisome while reflecting on it(change in sex drive and drugs, unlike myself and putting myself in dangerous situations) i’m just really afraid of bringing it up to anybody for fear of judgement. i know how silly it is to have the solution to my problem right in front of me, and i don’t want to make it seem like i don’t care about my mental health. +i am experiencing all symptoms of (hypo?)mania and some mixed features of depression. it was really nice for a few days of this week but just like my first manic episode, the only way i can describe it is like, you’re going so high up on a roller coaster that when you feel it slipping down, it’s scary and drastic and you do everything you can to keep going up just so it doesn’t crash. i feel like im in the beginning stages of that and i really don’t want to do this. the euphoria and attractiveness of mania is incredible, but the constant racing thoughts and heart rate, the irritability and anxiety are uncomfortable and i know im prone to psychosis. +it seems like the easiest solution would be to actually take my prescribed medication, but it is really hard for me. i feel like there’s so much more time i have to get stuff done later in the night and i see it as a waste to go to bed so early especially when i don’t need to. i’m aware of how ridiculous it all sounds but i don’t know what to do to make myself take the medication. i know i have to but i genuinely just do not want to, but unfortunately i know this is probably contributing to mania. +any advice or support would be helpful. thank you all who read",Bipolar +50493,"I think the worst thing about being bipolar is the mania (vent?) I’ve dealt with depression a lot. I hate it but it’s my normal. I recently went through 5 months of mania where I acted horrible. I did everything except have delusions of grandeur. I ended up being sexually assaulted which I believe shocked me out of it. I could’ve really hurt someone or even gotten myself killed. Now anytime I’m in a good mood I start panicking and crying thinking it’s coming back. That was my first manic episode and I was on a lot of Cymbalta during it. I also wasn’t officially diagnosed until after the fact. Im dealing with aftermath of my bad decisions and will be for at least a couple years because of the debt I racked up. I’ve been depressed all my life. Mania, however, scares me more than anything. I’m fairly certain that’s not the general consensus.",Bipolar +50494,I just got diagnosed as bipolar I just got diagnosed as bipolar this week. I’m not really sure what to think about this and was wondering if you guys could share with me how you guys dealt with it when you got diagnosed. What does this mean moving forward? I just don’t know.,Bipolar +50495,"Can my episodes shift on exact day every 3 months? I was diagnosed bipolar 9months ago and still doubt. But after several drastic changes in my emotional state, I tried to track it through app and failed to be consistent. My approximate understanding was 3 months, as a harpies moments, and “life sucks” mode. +2023 I started really bad and wasn’t able to eat, think and shower. I sleep a lot. But January 18 I couldn’t fall asleep, was excited about smt, and thought it’s bcs of my birthday on 19th January. Nothing really happened that day, but I kept waking up 4am excited to do something and everything seemed very simple. I just accepted that I am “Porsche with no breaks” but 18th of march I started feeling terrible. I don’t use any apps or diary. It’s just feelings were so strong, and I couldn’t ignore dates and mood swing. It’s almost a week I feel anxious about nothing and I am really afraid that I am not there where I should be or I am doing smt wrong. That my family hates me. It’s hard to explain, but I take more than 6 valerians pill per day, cuz I can’t deal with ice in my stomach + +Any ideas what it can be?",Bipolar +50496,"I am not well I'm having a very hard time. It's bad enough that people are staring at me in public with concerned looks on their faces. + + +I'm making total strangers uncomfortable just by my presence.",Bipolar +50497,"Tomorrow's another day I'm having a hard time right now. So I picked up my acoustic guitar and just made more noise than was in my head. Then I had to just grab a pen and paper. This is what came out... + +Tomorrow's another day +But tonight may never come +So I sit right here and now +And ponder my meaning to this life +Stru g together like a cats in the cradle string +Night has co.e and I'm full of misery +I don't think I'll ever see the sun again +My tool box scattered across the ground in disarray +I'll be leaving this world +Tho it might not be today +But it's time for the pain to fade +Reaching out to the light +From my own darkness that no one can see +What's it matter if I fade from the light +After all it's only me.. + +I don't have any thoughts of self harm right now. I just had so.e shit built up and the guitar and the writing on paper and here has made me feel so much better. If you're reading just know. You have worth. You're more valuable on this plane than you know. Have a happy day and don't forget to be awesome.",Bipolar +50498,"Why does my brain know when to be depressed/manic? Why does my brain know when to be depressed/manic? Typically I cycle over the course of a few days at most but my psych increased my lamictal so I stopped getting depressed as often and don't really have mood issues unless I get stressed or take caffeine or something. I've been burning the candle on both ends recently and I have had frequent, and almost constant (but relatively mild) bursts of energy, with only mild dips into normal or depression. But I decided to actually get some sleep for once and now the depressive ends are hitting me really hard and the high ends are just me being normal instead of energetic. Usually I cycle over the course of a day, and I am wondering how my brain can remember that so many manic bursts happened last week. Like, is there some part of the brain that counts all my episodes and tells the other parts to be depressed? I guess I'm looking for a more brain psychology answer, not like an analysis of my behavior or anything.",Bipolar +50499,,Bipolar +50500,"My bf is making me have episodes | TOXIC He has no boundaries. I tried to get a restraining order and felt bad. I’m co-dependent and I put his emotional needs before mine. He is emotionally and physically abusive. He uses my mental illness against me. + +It’s dangerous to cut him off cold turkey because he harasses and stalks me, my family, and friends.",Bipolar +50501,"Need support lol Okay so I was a freshman in college this year, and I made it until about a month ago before I had to withdraw since my mental health was awful (drinking myself to sleep every night, going out alone at 2am, not being able to get up and go to class, stuff like that). I miss my friends so much but I do feel better now that I’m home and don’t have to stress about financial stuff things (i worked as much as I could but got burnt out from doing work and school at the same time as pathetic as that sounds, I just couldn’t afford my meds for a while). + +I don’t know what I’m talking about and I’m sorry but I think I’m manic right now, I’m so tired and took a lot of sleep stuff but it’s not working I feel like I can run a marathon LMAO. I also managed to convince myself again that no one loves me and that I’m an awful person but honestly? I don’t think I’ve really done anything that bad 😭 my mind is just racing and I feel like I’m gonna freak myself out into having a panic attack 😚 + +I’m sorry if this is annoying I feel so annoying",Bipolar +50502,"The price of mental and physical health It feels so fucking stupid how expensive it is to get treatment. I also have to get testing done to figure out pain I’ve been having and was told that the MRI would cost me $200 the appointment is at the end of the month. Just had to reschedule all my follow ups because I can’t afford it. + +I just got charged for my therapy and my vraylar too. I work at a firm but I’m underpaid. I tried to negotiate but was shot down. I’ve been looking for a better paying job but even then, with upcoming medical expenses such a physical therapy, pain medications, plus all the bipolar stuff (vraylar, Psychiatrist and therapist) and bills from a recent surgery, I’m feeling like this paycheck to paycheck type of living is my future again this year. + +I didn’t even have enough money for groceries. I can’t save to move out of my mom’s house. Just all of this is doing my mental health worse. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure affords piece of mind. I’m stressed and annoyed at my situation. And I KNOW I’m not the only one.",Bipolar +50503,"Money troubles Hey guys. I’m struggling financially atm big time. Last year I had to take over 4 months off and was in hospital for 3 months due to a very severe episode. I’ve returned to work since then but part time, and I can’t seem to catch up on the costs of living with my income. The craziest thing is that I’m a doctor (registrar- speciality training) and I still don’t make enough to live. My partner is supporting me as much as possible but he’s struggling too. I feel so ashamed and defeated. I can’t work more currently as I only just increased my hours and the stress and fatigue is full on right now. I have no parental support or other supports. After graduating med school I finally had financial freedom and was doing well. My relapse last year has cost me more than my health and it’s a real struggle to go back living week to week and paycheck to paycheck- I’ve been poor my entire life apart from when I first graduated. +Is anyone else in the same boat and if so how do you come to terms with it? The situation makes me feel like I’m a failure and I feel really embarrassed. Hope everyone is doing ok and thanks to this sub.",Bipolar +50504,"One thing I find hard Thinking about when I was hypomanic, one of the hardest things is that looking back on it, a lot of the stuff I said and did was really funny. I leaned into that a lot at the time and even resorted to full-on clowning and cringe humour cos it’s always been a defence mechanism for me. But underneath I was feeling desperate and really scared because I couldn’t stop talking and didn’t know what was happening to me. I knew I wasn’t in control and I thought if I could only make the people around me laugh it would all be ok. + +Now it’s over, I’ve even turned it into a kind of comedy routine but every time I go through it, I enjoy the funniness but also can’t stop thinking, “God, I was in so much pain.” Can anyone relate?",Bipolar +50505,"If I listed myself as not disabled while applying for a job at a company, and listed myself as disabled while applying for a different job, will I get in trouble? I don't know what to add. I'm job searching and my anxiety is through the roof about this. It sucks cuz it's a great opportunity. Here's some length since apparently the body has to be longer than the title or it gets removed.",Bipolar +50506,"Do you guys ever get stuck in “quiet mode” I’ve noticed in moments of high emotional stress I start to become unable to speak, words are flowing through my head and I feel stuck and just can’t get myself to open my mouth to speak, sometimes I am just like that until I’m able to force myself to speak again, but I’ve noticed it’s been getting really bad recently in my current relationship and I’m looking to see if this is a common problem for bipolar or if it’s something else causing it",Bipolar +50507,"Oops I did it again. Sometimes in a rush I will accidentally take my srqual by mistake in the morning… and I’m usually at work, it hits me hard .. I will usually go home but sometimes I will stay. Appearing to be drunk .Takes me all morning to work it through my system until the afternoon , after coffee .. has anyone done this before?",Bipolar +50508,"Is getting bored with your job a trait of being Bipolar? I was diagnosed when I was 35. I’m 39 now. I have had so many 3 months jobs in the last two years. I get bored very quickly and I feel like the work isn’t challenging enough. I was recently diagnosed as ADHD and am medicated for that as well. It has still not helped. I’ve been with my current job for 6 months. I’m having the same problem. I get paid very well for what is expected of me but there’s so much down time. Hence the boredom. Does this happen to anyone else? And if so, how do you combat this feeling?",Bipolar +50509,"I’m bipolar type 1 but getting a real wake up call on why I should stay on my meds bc of someone I care about. Someone I really care about is tackling bipolar disorder without medication due to the expense of a psychiatrist. He’s finally in a place where he can get one but with a long waitlist in his area it’s difficult. + +It’s so hard to watch. It’s like I’m looking in a mirror and just seeing myself 3 years ago when I was at the height of my illness. The lashing out, volatile nature, hopelessness he feels hurts me horribly because I know from experience there is nothing I can do. He’s either ignoring me or can’t leave me alone, and I don’t blame that on him whatsoever. Every time he hurts my feelings rn I have to remind myself that 3 years ago I was the same way. + +It just sucks so much to watch someone you care about go through something like this knowing there is so little in support you can offer. Him and I are so desperate for him to see a psychiatrist and get stable, and are waiting anxiously for next week when it’s finally happening… but even then I know it takes a while for the meds to help. + +It just hurts so badly to see someone go through that and knowing exactly the type of pain and anger they are feeling and the helplessness of it.",Bipolar +50510,"Does anyone get bad cabin fever? I literally can not stay inside for longer than half a day before I feel like my mind is closing on me. + +20 years ago I isolatedyself in small room for two months literally driving myself nuts physically in my head. It wasn't thoughts more about feelings in different parts of brain. + +It use to go away as soon as I went outside but now it's been getting worse where I have to stay outside rest of day and comes on too fast. Clonazepam helps but I haven't taken it in two years.",Bipolar +50511,"Slipping Into A ""Classic"" Depression Very Weird For Me. So it's been years like 15+ years since I've had a depression that was not a mixed episode. I'd been pretty stable tye past 3 years, but my migraines at least that's what my doctor thinks they wre (had them for years) have been getting worse. Last year I wound up in the ER with one so bad that I went from moving under my own steam to get in the door (with the worst pain in my life, made running over my foot with a one story tall steel gate feel like kiddy play) to needing help into a wheel chair cause I couldn't even stand. + +I've had 3 rounds of blood work all normal a CT scan and MRI normal. Now an oximetry test Tuesday night. (Waiting on doctor to interpret the results) and an appointment with a neurologist august 9th (soonest they had) and required taking a personal day off work cause it won't fit well in my work day. + +They've never actually gone away. Even on days I don't record as having one I low-key always have pain, just it's at a threshold tolerable enough I can for tye most part ignore it. But most days of the week I've got headache and/or the front of my ""brain"" feels like it's being prickled with pins and needles (not in pain those, thats reserved for my temples and the icepicks behind my eyes) it makes my brain mush, and makes me feel physically weak. But every appointment I have because of that they test for a stroke but I come out normal/no stroke. And my mind is mush it can't think it's way out of a wet paper bag full of holes, heck it will even struggle for forum words. + +I just feel so hopeless and empty and broken. Like a pathetic, worthless loser and failure at everything,. That I'm not worth shit. And between tye two I'm always exhausted and don't have the energy or will to do things and even when I force myself I feel like I'm shit at it. But I'm also super irritable and pissy and angry alot. So much of the time I could scream and shout but cry and beat myself in the head at the same time. I struggling very hard to use my logic and tools to get out from under all this.",Bipolar +50512,"The most frustrating appointment So, last year after an attempt I was diagnosed in hospital with bipolar disorder. I have been prescribed all the meds and have had continuous appointments with my GP to try and get everything settled and find a good prescription that fits what I need. + +2 months ago after having a month long manic episode, I went back to my GP in the hopes that we can really dial down into what I need. Skip forward to today and I have a phone appointment with a psych from my area (we only have like 7 in my province). After asking me approximately 10 questions he determined that I don’t have bipolar at all, but major depressive disorder and PTSD…. + +Would you go for a 3rd opinion at this point? I have had clear textbook manic episodes all throughout my life and this psych didn’t think I met the requirements to be diagnosed with bipolar, so he doesn’t believe I should be treated as such and has prescribed 200mg of Zoloft. This concerns me as I know antidepressants can lead to manic episodes. I would love your advice. ❤️",Bipolar +50513,"I dont know what happened to me + +Hi, currently I am not diagnosed, I hope it does not bother anyone, but bipolar type 2 is being suspected by my psychiatrist. And I had some doubts (I'm not asking for diagnosis) because lately I have been going through dark days, but today something extremely strange happened to me that I do not know how to name or explain to my psychiatrist. If anyone has felt this way, I would appreciate it if you could tell me about your experience please. + +I was talking with a friend about my emotions, and I remember that from one moment to the next I got caught up in a specific thought (like a delusion). And then it was like I had emotionally exploded, I felt out of myself, I started sobbing very loudly, my breathing was heavy, I couldn't control or stop myself. But it wasn't like the moment or the conversation led me to it because of the intensity, it just happened. I was hugging myself, I couldn't stand him touching me. I felt like I was getting small. I really have no idea how to explain it, but what was most impressive to me was how spontaneous it was and that feeling of not being in control of my own body. After that i felt numb and confused.",Bipolar +50514,"Job hunting I've been to a couple of interviews and I think the interviewers just see into my soul. I want to have a job, but I can't find one. I'm too eccentric and probably I don't even care if I work or not. I feel like they see it whenever we make eye contact. They see that I would be a bad employee. + +I don't care about anything at all at this point.",Bipolar +50515,"How am I supposed to look forward in life? TW: Depression, nihilism, addiction, etc. + +Hi all, I’m really sorry if this post triggers anybody, please don’t read if you’re prone to being triggered by content relating to depression/despair. + +With that in mind, how the fuck am I supposed to be excited about living the rest of my life? I’m only 23 years old, and I’m so goddamn tired. The older I get, the more acutely aware I get of just how wrong my brain is. I try so hard, and it can’t be fixed? As we all know. I’m on medication, but in a few months I’ll be off my moms insurance and I CANNOT afford private insurance. I know everyone says we NEED to be on meds, and I agree. I need to be on meds. But staring down the barrel right now, I know I cannot and will not be able to just a while from now. And I hate this fucking disorder so much, because all it does is lie to you. I can’t trust my happiness or my sadness or my apathy. I am genuinely so exhausted of managing these feelings, and it gets worse every year as I get more and more compounded “adult” stress. How am I supposed to want to go on like this? And no I am not at risk of ending my life, I have too much guilt and shame to think of doing that to my family, but that just compounds the pain of existing for no reason beyond obligation. How do you all do it? Why do you all do it? Literally any input or advise or comment is appreciated to help me feel maybe just a little less alone, sorry for being so whiny.",Bipolar +50516,"Allergic to Lamictal I've been taking Lamictal for three years now. From the beginning it has been apparent that I am allergic to it. A very strange kind of reaction, my hands start to burn (inside my skin, if you touch my hands they are normal temperature), and then they start to itch. They burn and itch so much I end up putting them under water constantly. + +I started taking some antihistamines with it and I've been ok for three years. This med has changed my life, like entirely. It made me stable, able to hold a job, and so much more. I can't live without it. + +But recently, my hands started to itch again. Slowly. I take my antihistamine in the evening, I'm fine all day long the following day, and then in the evening it starts to itch again. My overall skin as well. + +I'm worried I will have to stop taking my Lamictal. It has been wonderful. No side effects whatsoever. If I stop taking it, I won't take any other medication because I don't want to gain weight, or hurt my kidneys. + +Have any of you gone through something similar? With allergies? I talked to a pharmacist when I started doing this and they told me I couldn't become resistant to antihistamines. I'm starting to doubt this...",Bipolar +50517,"The Daunting Task of Living Trigger warning so much sad shit mention of suicide + + + + + + + + + + +This last two ish years have been the worst of my life starting may 2021 my father committed suicide followed by two weeks later my 21 year old cousin, this is the third family suicide. Flash forward to May 2022 I drove myself to the hospital fearing Id be alone and unable to be safe on the anniversary of his death. This is the occasion where I actually learned im bipolar and have been on the wrong meds for 12 years. Im a 34(f), I have lots of beautiful things about my life, a husband a dog a ridiculous garden. But man I dont know how to not feel completely daunted looking both forward and back and having one really solid year of stability in my brain with various other degrees of stability but lots of struggle just to float. How do I not just feel angry and scared that I have to live in this body in this brain with this trauma for the rest of it?",Bipolar +50518,"Proud of myself! Being responsible and getting stuff done! I've been needing to get my oil changed for the past 1,000 miles and my headlight has been out for at least a month + +Today I finally got my oil changed, my headlights replaced, and even changed my car air filters! + +I think I'll even get my tabs renewed!",Bipolar +50519,"I'm at risk of losing my home I'm not throwing a pity party here I just genuinely want to know if other people have done this too. I have spent so much money over the years racked up a lot of debt. I've only been stable for the past month or so thankfully to lithium, but my monthly expenses are nearly equal to my income. I can no longer afford my home that my family currently resides in. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I ever let my spending get so bad, but I guess that's where being on no medication can hurt you. I submitted a loss mitigation application to my mortgage company and got a letter from my psychiatrist stating that I've been diagnosed with bipolar 1. Is anyone else in the same boat or have been here before?",Bipolar +50520,"Dark obsessive thoughts I’m assuming this is fairly normal with BP but I’m so sick of dark obsessive, ruminating thought patterns even during relative stability. It seems like every week it’s something else; death/dying of loved ones, someone being hurt, losing my partner and awful thoughts of not being good enough to be loved. I feel like BP is such a hindrance to me enjoying life fully, it’s like a new obsession every week and I’m so sick of it.",Bipolar +50521,"Anticipated I know! + +I see it, + +My life is propelled, + +A mandate from heaven, + +Audience anticipates it, + +They clap until it sounds like thunder, + +Grasping their bellies until they roll out of their chairs, + +“He’s doing it again! Another meltdown.” + +Born and grew with a face of a child, + +“You’re so cute!” + +Seems peculiar but I sure found something for my phenotype, + +They pay for my dinners, + +They buy me flowers, + +Made me feel secure when I was not stable, + +I like to be treated, + +Like to be shown you care, + +Then I feel intolerable, + +And have been called things for a previous lifestyle, + +Maybe I am what I am told I am, + +What brings admiration and material turns to my curse, + +For when I fall apart and turn to a spectacle… + +It is something to merely laugh at, + +Frustration and cries for help get treated as hysterical, + +Suicidal ideation and attempts get treated as mere pouts, + +Nothing that serious, + +Even more certain I have no right to myself.",Bipolar +50522,,Bipolar +50523,Does your mania/hypomania ALWAYS end with depression after? Or has there been times where it hasn't for you? Asking to be hopeful because I'm sure I'm going through mania right now and I was only out of depression for like 2 weeks before this hit. I really hope there's a chance I won't flip back there. I'm still trying to get my habits back in place that I fell out of and really can't afford to be screwed with depression for another 6+ weeks.,Bipolar +50524,,Bipolar +50525,"Tired of being sick Bipolar 1. Been diagnosed for 20 years. Treatment resistant depression and anxiety, with migraines. + +I have no quality of life. The world/people/TV/movies drive me crazy, give me migraines. Severe depression and severe anxiety. Nothing works. I’m like a freakazoid. Miserable day in day out. Trapped like I’m shackled in a dungeon. Isolated. And I can’t break out. + +I’ve tried everything. Meds. ECT. TMS. Ketamine. Talk therapy. + +ECT was effective, but the effects only lasted for 2 weeks at a time. My doc made me stop after around 30 ECTs for fear of long term side effects (memory/cognitive issues). But I have memory/cognitive issues from my depression. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. + +I have suicidal ideation. I feel trapped.",Bipolar +50526,"I can’t make myself go to work Then of course there’s the shame spiral which leads to drinking which leads to binging and purging which is expensive and I won’t have money because I didn’t go to work. Someone stop this ride I want to get off. + + +How do you make yourself go to work?",Bipolar +50527,,Bipolar +50528,"How do you manage being tired during depressive episodes? I'm not always sad during my low phases, but during them, I often have middling energy and take numerous naps, which almost border on narcolepsy. Recently, I've been reorganizing my house, but I feel held back because I have errands to run in town and feel too tired to do so. This is compounded by my being proactive into March until I had two breakdowns weeks ago, and sleeping off my problems might be a possible coping method. + +Much of this has had me recall my first year of high school, where I was deeply depressed and often slept during and after school, whereas I was highly energetic and consistently worked in my junior and senior years. + +Does anyone else here have similar experiences? ",Bipolar +50529,"I started Wellbutrin yesterday I can't tell if it's placebo or not but I already feel slightly more productive. Finally got around to renewing my library card, I've been meaning to for the past 3-5 weeks but got discouraged when I had called on a day they were closed and didn't feel like doing it even when I knew they were open. I'm also playing more of my video games, even though it was only 2 games, it's still a huge step for me. I'm excited to see my hobbies come back. Hopefully I'll finally go outside on a walk on my own eventually, it's been a few years + +I'm also taking Lithium, which used to work for my depression. I've pretty much been taking only Lithium for the past 5 years and never thought I'd see the day I add another pill. I'm glad I wasn't scared about taking something new either",Bipolar +50530,"Wrong medicine So I shared in my first post here that my Dr put me on Latuda to help control my Bpd symptoms. I went 3 days with it, nothing major had the Hypersalivation that's listed and some good sleep (finally). + +Then my body seemed to betray itself, violently getting sick to the point of dehydration and muscle cramps that took surgical grade narcotics to calm my body down from. + +Turns out I am 1:150 that have a sensitivity to one of the ingredients in the medicine. I have now been switched to Vraylar, tonight is day 1. Hopefully it helps silence the million voices in my head and let's me sleep and keeps me from having any violent side effects. + +Sorry if I'm just rambling on, Ive noticed this is one of the safer places to talk about these things without judgement or being approached by the ""Internet Dr.s"".",Bipolar +50531,"getting off my meds lamotrigine started giving me a rash & now i have to go to the ER during finals week & yea. lamotrigine helped me get out of bed but that’s it. i’m still depressed but enough to do anything about it, bad or good. i’m just here. im probably better off not on my meds so im flushing everything",Bipolar +50532,Can hardly afford medication I was recently switched from Latuda (which was free with my insurance) I was switched to lurasidone for some reason and it’s 100.00. There’s no way I can actually afford this and I’m doing so well it’s just so upsetting I don’t know what to do.,Bipolar +50533,"Too depressed to go to work… Taking a day off work for the second week in a row. I am not over on sick days or anything but I still feel like my manager is going to start asking questions. + +White collar field. I think my depression stems from the fact I got passed up for a promotion I was promised last week. Have lost all motivation to work for this firm. + +I can feel myself slipping into a depressive episode. Sigh. I hate navigating the professional world.",Bipolar +50534,Bipolar depression got off meds 3 years ago I randomly get this overwhelming feeling of deep disgust when I get reminded I have a functioning body full of organs and tissue etc and I get this urge to just rip out everything I’ve come close to it once but I’m usually around people since I lack any privacy anywhere which I’m not complaining to a extent but I had this same breakdown in front of my new bf and couldn’t stop crying I tried to explain the fear and disgust but he was super freaked out and couldn’t understand I don’t understand it myself I just recently signed up for therapy again since I’ve noticed more frequent episodes but therapy doesn’t give me answers why I feel this way and I I’m constantly asking myself questions and it causes migraines frequently my brain is so fried at this point I feel like it’s just lying to me constantly,Bipolar +50535,"Anyone here get the shakes before, during and after visits to therapist? I get shaky due to nerves and ptsd from time to time but I’ve started to notice after my visit to my therapist office that I’m extremely shaky even though I feel fine. Anyone else experience this?",Bipolar +50536,"I can feel a depressive episode coming I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in December after my first major manic episode that ended in hospitalization. Since then I have been taking my medication (Hydroxyzine and Abilify), up until about a month ago. I don’t like the sedated feeling medication gives me and I feel abilify takes away the flare of my personality. I have been stable up until this week and I feel a depressive episode coming, it’s a extremely unique feeling that is so recognizable to me. I am losing all motivation and joy in my life. Is there anything I can do to prepare for this and any advice on what I can do to do the least damage to my life as possible.",Bipolar +50537,"Bipolar 1 type mania I know many of us question our diagnosis but it’s more difficult when you’ve had a manic episode with delusions. +But sometimes i can still talk myself into believing the diagnosis isn’t real and that those weren’t delusions. +I thought it was a spiritual awakening when it was happening and that I was one with god and had to save humanity. Anyway- DAE who’s had mania with delusions sometimes doubt their diagnosis?",Bipolar +50538,"Do I keep looking for a medication that works or is this as good as it gets? I've asked a question to you guys in the past regarding the end goal of being medicated. I'm on 1200mg of lithium carbonate, 250mg Divalproex and 150mg Bupropion HCL XL every other day. I've noticed a good improvement on this cocktail, most recently upped the dose of lithium to 1200mg and I felt like I was doing better, but it's been 3 months and I've had 2 episodes since the increase....These episodes are usual at this time of year so it didn't cause them, but they're still there, a bit more manageable and definitely not ruining my life like before, but I do not feel like a normal functioning human being. I'm still experiencing mania, but I'm able to stop myself from spending excess money and I am able to notice the energy I'm expending so I can force myself to relax here and there so I'm not deprived. I still sleep less, but enough to function so that's good. I can't stop myself from picking up my phone and googling everything on the planet that comes to mind...I feel like I have ADD or something, literally no focus at all which is not good for work. I still have significant periods of anxiety and stress about nothing and I'm finding this hard to manage, and the depression is still there, but my body no longer feels like cement, although I'm usually tired even after sleeping 10-14hrs. I can still force myself to get up and do stuff like clean, shower, etc. But I'm extremely miserable about it and everything else that doesn't involve sleeping., I don't cry omw to work, during work and while showering anymore, I don't have ""those scary thoughts"" anymore and I can keep a gym schedule although during my depressive periods the amount of gym sessions I get in are significantly less. +Is this it or should I keep trying to find a better state to be in? I mean I can live with it, but it sucks to go through this rollercoaster of emotions and energy expending and depleting, even if it's just a mid-sized one. I cancel a lot of plans on friends often because the way I feel when making them is not how I feel when the date arrives, I still have these insane urges to make plans with people and go out and socialize, shop, google search like mad and try new stuff, I still sleep less and more depending on what stage I'm in, I still overstress over everything and panic, I still feel drained and prefer to be alone and do nothing for a month or so straight. +I should add that before increasing the lithium, my Dr suggested lamictal, but the potential deadly rash side effect and the interaction with birth control pills terrified me so I decided to go with the lithium increase.",Bipolar +50539,"I have a Master’s degree and I just want to stock shelves I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not a good fit for my field of study. It’s deliriously stressful and triggers episodes without fail. I’ve always been ambitious and driven to succeed but while job hunting I‘m realizing that I want and need to go at a slower pace. My memory ain’t what it used to be, and the cognition ain’t the same. My job came home with me; I went to bed and woke up with it, on top of having a family. I haven’t worked in nearly a year and half due to burnout. + +Anyone else experience being happier with…less? I think I’d be happy stocking shelves at this point.",Bipolar +50540,"I'm struggling on the edge of an episode and rambling here to stay cogent while I wait for a timer to finish. My back hurts. Cogent is a funny word. I'm against things being complicated. + +15 minutes left. This game is for the young. + +12 minutes. What actually does this accomplish? + +10 minutes. I wrote a line, go me! + +2.5 minutes left. I'm hitting post.",Bipolar +50541,"What life stressors threw y’all into a recent episode? Mine in 2022 - bought a house in February/ same month husband got into motorcycle accident and broke his leg, had to handle the logistics of the move myself - while working part time. Moved into new house, son had a seizure shortly after. Decided to get a new job while husband attended physical therapy, then found out husband was switched to nights. I then switched my job again to accommodate his hours, didn’t see each other often and I wasn’t going to bed until 12 am when I got off work at 11:30pm. + +July-December I was out of my mind. Hospitalized at end of November.",Bipolar +50542,Klonapin? Anyone prescribed kpins daily long term for anxiety with bipolar? I’m not super convinced psychs like to prescribe benzos long term for daily use but I’m taking it along w lamictal and Seroquel rn and the klonapin is really helping slow my mind and help me function. I’m afraid my psych won’t let me be on it long term even if it’s working. Just wondering your experience??,Bipolar +50543,"I can’t accept it I’ve been “diagnosed” bipolar 1 for 3 years now, I’m 31. I put diagnosed in quotes because I had to come to the conclusion to my therapist and doctor and they just put me on antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. My aunt had bipolar 1 and is on disability. I just can’t accept it though, sometimes I get upset and have really bad days and sometimes I make a shit ton of art, I feel great, I’m cleaning like a mother fucker and I feel untouchable for a few days, when in a good mood I don’t have trouble sleeping but I can run off of 4 hours of sleep no prob. I know I crash though, I fall deep into depression and contemplate doing the worst. I’m off medications and I’ve been through 4 therapists because I end up hating them, I’ve been through 2 case managers because the first one was an idiot and wanted me to fill out paper work with her at a library which made me uncomfortable as hell. My second case manager (I’m on SMI) -Serious mental illness- under being approved by the state as such. So my second case manager didn’t get back to me for two weeks so I’m a rage I’m in the process of changing facilities to get services from, I have no friends. Absolutely none, I constantly fight with my boyfriend, he calls me a psychopath because I don’t feel empathy. I’m starting to think that there isn’t really any hope to get better for me. To be on medication for the rest of my life? On antipsychotics that make me fatso and feel like I’m passing out? Yay, sounds like a life worth living for sure. Lol. Therapy isn’t working, my last therapist tried to report me for being suicidal. And she never wanted to talk about my trauma, she instead would talk about herself and her wife. Ma’am I don’t care about you or your life. I’m the problem and people don’t want to deal with you when they find out your bipolar, that’s what I’ve learned. I can’t accept that I’m bipolar, something non my brain tells me I’m just broken from abuse. I don’t know anymore. I’m sober for 3 years and life is worse.",Bipolar +50544,"Life insurance policy/with bipolar diagnosis Hey! Thanks for taking the time on my post. Does anyone here have life insurance? I recently started looking and everything I have found asks specifically if you have ever been diagnosed bipolar. I’m doing some internet research right now but if anyone knows anything please let me know. +Thanks",Bipolar +50545,"Finally had the energy to do something and then I crashed God I hate this feeling. I woke up after just a few hours of sleep, cleaned my bathroom and kitchen, did laundry, vacuumed and did a lil’ workout. I felt so energized and full of electricity, but then everything just crashed and now I’m just laying in bed, feeling all depressed and anxious. I started taking my meds again (ran out of them and was raw dogging life for about a month) so I shouldn’t feel this way, right? I have to leave for work in an hour and just can’t get up",Bipolar +50546,,Bipolar +50547,"lamictal dreams so i’ve been on lamictal for like 15 years on and off, it’s been the only med that’s actually worked for me. but something i’ve noticed that i’ve never really discussed with anyone because it’s never actually been a serious problem is the insane dreams it causes me to have. i know for a fact it’s the lamictal because all the times i’ve gone off it, the dreams stop. when i go back on it they start up again. they are SO vivid, i always remember every detail. none of them make sense or have any deeper meaning. sometimes they’re just weird but other times they’re scary, which is fine because i know it’s just a dream but it does rattle me. anyway just curious if this is a common thing? anyone else have weird ass lamictal dreams???",Bipolar +50548,"Is stability supposed to be difficult? Hi, I think 3 months ago I came here to ask you what being stable was like and if what I was feeling could actually be tagged as such. Only one person answered, but he was saying exactly what I was ""feeling"". + +Now I'm here, I've been drowning in anxiety, the meds I used only for emergency are now fixed. With a double dose. And I'm like????? What is going on? + +Yes. I got better, Depakene really did wonders, but I don't know how to deal with this under my skin crawling feeling that there is a storm inside that I can't let out because it's blocked. My mom said I'm a healthy woman, why do I even need therapy for? When I'm like this, seriously? + +Is this just anxiety? Am I into a hypomanic episode and don't know because I'm supposed to be stable? + +I have no clue. I'm tired. I fought for years to find meds who'd shut bipolar up and now that I have it does not look any easier. + +Sorry for the rant. I'm just tired.",Bipolar +50549,"Reading too much in to “signs”? Hey all. The last few days have been really rough so I’m chalking all of this up to just exhausted bipolar brain in overdrive, but I need some advice/help here. For the last few months I’ve been seeing “222” pop up EVERYWHERE. Busses, signs, takeout orders, etc. I’d been telling myself that it was just regular old pattern recognition, up until the last few days. Yesterday, on 3/22/23, my mother passed at 2:22am. Obviously this has just sent me in to a massive spiral of “it was a sign”, and I was hoping others who have experienced similar phenomena/thinking has any advice or insight on what this might “mean” or what I can do to get through this. Any and all advice is welcome and appreciated.",Bipolar +50550,"I've started drawing again for the first time in 5 years. I just wanted to share! After being hospitalized for a Mixed Episode in 2020, I felt like a blank slate. I had gotten so dysfunctional to the point that I gave up on writing and drawing. I'm still learning who I am, but for the first time in my life, I want to be alive.",Bipolar +50551,"How to keep from being defined by being bipolar I'm going apologize ahead for punctuation but I will try. I am 43 M luckily been married to a wonderfully patient woman for 20 years, my entire life I have messed everything up including a military career and thought it was just who I am. I have been in and out of hospitals and thought everyone else was crazy, I have been diagnosed and accept that I am bipolar but I don't want it to define me its hard when I hear people around me say ""that explains so much"". How do I keep from Bipolar becoming who I am.",Bipolar +50552,"i just want to be happy and I want to make my partner happy I don't know why Im like this, I love my partner more than anything and i can't think rationally, i can't communicate well, I;m so scared that they're plotting against me or they're going to get tired of my episodes and break up with me, or find me just so, so unbearable. I can't even ask for help from them because how am I meant to say this in a way that will show them that I love them and I'm not accusing them, and I'm not crazy and I just want to have control over myself and my emotions and my thoughts. I just want to feel happy, I want to stop making everyone miserable, I want to be in on the joke that everyone else around me is in on. I feel so scared and angry and confused",Bipolar +50553,"I don't like making plans because I don't trust my future self's mental state Sorry if this has already been talked about a lot, but I just realized that this is why I don't like making plans too far out into the future. + +One of my friends recently asked me if I wanted to go to a concert in August. I love the musician, and I'm sure I'd enjoy the show. But my initial honest reaction was ""I don't even know who I'll be by then."" I didn't say that out loud, but it was a clarifying moment. Does anyone else have this issue? (Probably.) + +An added unwanted effect is that this makes me come across as flaky, disorganized, or unreliable -- and I'm not saying I'm definitively NOT those things. Bums me out, though. I can use a calendar app, I swear. I just do not know how I'll be feeling a month from now. And a bunch of my friends are very ""type A,"" so it sort of compounds the issue because they love having full calendars and planning hangs weeks in advance. (Dorks.) + +Anyway, I think I'll buy tickets to this thing even if I don't end up being able to go. It's just annoying I have to incorporate this into my decision-making. I can barely RSVP to weddings with any degree of confidence. That's all. Thanks. + +*Edit: Thanks for the comments, everyone. Helped me feel less alone about it.",Bipolar +50554,"Life has left me hopeless. First, thank you for reading my rant, even if you don't make it to the end... + +Life advice please... + +30f, relationship with 31m, anf we have a 9mo son. + +We lost the home we were renting back in Dec, due to mold. We've been back and forth between the in-laws since. I'm in school and he is looking for work, but also is waiting for his Bar exam results. + +I can't stand living with other people. I'm currently dealing with my mental health (Bipolar and ADHD) and it's hard to function at times. The other day I was overwhelmed by my MIL who wanted us to bring the baby over to meet some family last minute. That ended with me yelling at her when she came to the car wanting to take my son out because he was crying. I told her to worry about her children, not mine. + +This morning at 6am, I woke up to find my partner in his parents room talking. When he came back he stated ""It's me & you"" over and over. Later, he explained how no one will understand me or my Bipolar and how much weight I carry and how hard it can get for me on a daily basis. He didn't go into full details of the convo because I'm an overthinker, but him stating his parents asking if I'm in therapy or taking medications, made it obvious. That's when my partner got upset because he saw how I consistently have to deal with our families not understanding. As I told him, not many ever will. + +I hate living with the in-laws. I love them, but I don't do well with the MIL always home. Having someone consistently there and always watching what's being done with my son, being there to greet him all the time, or making opinions like ""he's hungry, he wants milk, look at this, look at that"" etc has really been getting on my nerves. To the point that now I can't stand her voice or go into a negative mood when I know she's going to be around. + +My partner and I both feel uncomfortable staying at each others parents. Financially we are unstable at the moment and were trying to figure out what our next move is... + +When my son was born, the first two weeks, we got covid. Then, after 6 months of living alone, we lose our home to mold. During Christmas, I went through a perfect storm of depression with losing the house and overwhelmed by everyone wanting to meet my son. I feel like his first year was one of the hardrst for me and I want to be able to enjoy these 3 months before he turns a year, but it's been so hard... + +SO! + +Any advice? Any recommendations on work from home? Any knowledge regarding starting a dropshipping business to earn an income? + +I need to do something because I can't keep living thi way. This is the most I've thought about suicide and that's not fair to me or my son! I'm looking for any avenue to be able to provide for my son. I miss having our own home and I miss alone time with my boys and I miss being content and feeling some happiness... HELP!",Bipolar +50555,"Are things going to get any better? So... I usually don't post anything on Reddit, but here we go. + +About eight months ago, I was diagnosed with BP2. I've struggled with mental health issues all my life (anxiety, depression) and developed PTSD at a pretty young age. After a few years of fluctuating emotions I went to see a psychologist, and I got my diagnosis. I was also diagnosed with asperger's syndrome back in 2019. + +I've been on a mood stabilizer (lamictal) since I was diagnosed, and it's made things easier for me, but exam season (last year of high school) is coming up and I lowkey feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm experiencing mixed moods every other week, I can't really sleep anymore, and every day I'm torn between ignoring everyone around me, freaking out, or acting friendly, because I know I shouldn't take my own mental illness out on anyone. I'm either tired, stressed, occasionally productive, or filled with a kind of self-loathing and sadness that I can't even begin to describe. I'm worried I'll be thrown straight into a depressive episode soon, because stress is my biggest trigger. Very few people (two of my friends and my immediate family) know that I'm bipolar, and I don't even want to tell **them** about how I feel right now. I think a lot of people on here can relate to that crushing feeling that you're a burden to your loved ones, even when they tell you you're not. I considered the possibility that things might get better if I told someone, but I just don't have the energy, and I don't want to let people in because I'm ashamed that I'm losing control. Explaining how I feel to someone is difficult (asperger's, yay) and there aren't many people I trust with my emotions. The people I trust are the ones I don't want to burden. + +I wanted to ask, does it get any easier? Not to board the self-pity train or anything, but I'm not even 20, and thinking about the future terrifies me. I don't want to fall apart and fake that I'm okay every time a problem arises. I don't want to isolate myself because I'm scared of affecting people. I don't want to experience all these episodes over and over again. I just... don't know what to do right now. + +Also, if anyone has any advice on how to keep going and staying productive, I'd really appreciate it. <3",Bipolar +50556,"Clean and taking my meds. I took y'all's advice, started taking my meds, quit cocaine. In a much better head space. 3 weeks clean. Thank you. I knew what to do but needed to be told to do it. +Edit: I also got a job!",Bipolar +50557,So many nightmares. Does anyone else experience these in spurts? I’ve seen research that says it could be a manic episode coming on. I haven’t remembered my dreams in a while but i’ve had a bad one every night the past four days. They always happen right before I wake up.,Bipolar +50558,"How bad does it have to be to be considered psychosis? I know I've had at least one episode of what was probably psychosis because I was diagnosed with stress induced psychosis when it was happening. I don't know if that one was bipolar related or not, and I wasn't treated with anything at the time because I was still quite young and the psychiatrist didn't want to intervene with medication. + +However, I've had other symptoms since during what were probably undiagnosed manic or mixed episodes where I've started to believe things that were, retrospectively, pretty weird. Occasionally these beliefs also pop up when I'm very, very depressed. Sometimes I believe these things 100% unquestioningly, and other times I know they don't make sense but worry about them excessively anyway. Sometimes it fluctuates between the two. + +A common one for me is worrying that other people can hear my thoughts, especially if I look at them directly. I also get concerns about people working against me or talking about me behind my back to try to ruin my life. + +Another time I became convinced my childhood home was haunted and that a demon had followed me from there into my daily life. I kept seeing a figure in my room at night and I worried about speaking about him out loud in case he came for me. I still worry about this sometimes, and tbf I'm pretty sure that house really was haunted. My childhood friends and I talk about the weird slightly paranormal stuff that happened there so I'm not alone with that, but my sudden obsession with it was abnormal. + +I told a different psychiatrist about those two a while back and he said it was probably due to a combination of autism and trauma, and that it would likely go away with more EMDR. Since they kind of just left as my mood changed, he was satisfied that his therapy had worked. + +I had another one where I decided I was actually naturally nocturnal and that other people were interfering with that to purposefully make me sick and stop my plans. I completely flipped my sleep schedule for several weeks (although admittedly I wasn't sleeping very much anyway), and then fought with all my family and friends about it. + +At one point I also became very worried that other dog walkers were all talking about me on Facebook and were plotting to take my dog away. + +Another time I was certain I was dying of some horrible illness and all the medical professionals I saw weren't treating me on purpose because they wanted me to die. (I really was sick though, but the level of paranoia was weird). + +I was still somewhat functional while all of these were happening, and I wasn't hearing voices or anything for the most part. So does it really count as anything serious? Because it didn't seem that bad to me, and my family just kind of ignored it since they'd been told that the episodes were stress related and it was best not to engage. I've never told a psychiatrist about all of the thoughts because I didn't view them as relevant; until recently, I just thought they were a part of life and it was something I did when I got stressed. + +TLDR; at what point does it cross the line into actual psychosis vs ""being paranoid and having weird thoughts""? + +I'm going to be starting medication for the first time soon if all goes well. My current psychiatrist is talking about putting me on antipsychotics, but idk if these episodes are really bad enough to warrant taking an antipsychotic. I've been reading about the drugs and they sound like heavy duty stuff, and I can't tell if, for me, it's really necessary. I think I'd rather try another type of mood stabilising medication first. I don't know how I feel about all of this.",Bipolar +50559,"I have no friends Title says it all. I dont have any friends. Noone. Everywhere I go, people don't like me, I snapchat a couple people, yeah, but when it comes down to it, I dont actually have anyone to hang out with or really talk to. I have my boss so I have one person, but its not the same. Like, say I had to have surgery tomorrow and needed a ride home, I can guarantee noone would be willing, yet id be there for them at the drop of a hat. Im miserable and im lonely and I just wish that people actually liked me enough to actually interact with me on a deeper level than just sending a picture of their face all the time with almost no dialog. I dont ever know what to talk about, and I dont want to just always talk about me because ill feel like I'm just conceited, but thats what other people talk about and they have friends and so I just don't know what im doing wrong. Im tired of it.",Bipolar +50560,"Psychosis Does anyone else experience psychosis? i heard it was a symptom of Bipolar disorder but the link between psychosis and bipolar is only when a person is manic +I experience psychosis in both ways but mostly when im depressive states, is it normally a part of bipolar or is that an another issue altogether",Bipolar +50561,"There are ups and there are downs- weather changes? So yesterday I was feeling manic. (it was a warm, sunny day) +I even got a new learning obsession. +And today I woke up... like meh. And I am feeling sleepy even though I have slept for 10 hours. +Also because I didnt respond on yesterday’s evening to somebody when I felt like I should and now everything is not the way it should be (my ocd) +I might actually deserve all of this.",Bipolar +50562,"Trying to write an Email while Manic like: **Hi there!!** + +**It's me again. I hope you're doing good! I'm grrrreat! I'm just writing with that sample you requested, which I will leave in the attachments. I hope you like it! I was kinda going for something different this time. If it still needs improvements, let me know. And if I can't get it right this time, then, guess I'll die! womp womp womp lol Anyway, there's was something I was specifically writing to tell you about, but I forgot. Should I remember it, be expecting another email from me! Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to shave my legs in the front yard as it's a lovely day.** + +**Have a bitchin' Wednesday!** + +And looking back at old emails, it's just pages of this shit.",Bipolar +50563,Another drawing from a prev episode Also I finally slept! May have only been 5 hours but I'll take it,Bipolar +50564,"Gastroparesis & Bipolar Antone have gastroparesis an bipolar what medications are you able to take without them getting you sick? + +My psychiatrist wants me on lamotrigine an remon known as mirtazapine. + +He's only putting me on one antidepressant because of my lack of sleep at night . An that's my mania",Bipolar +50565,"is this masking? I was spending time with a friend today, felt totally normal and good in the conversation, im very close to her and feel very comfortable. then one of our other friends came over that i’m still comfortable with, but not as comfortable and I noticed it wasn’t as “easy” for me. It felt like I was trying so hard to be present, that I wasn’t present. Like I was putting so much energy into having energy and smiling and being engaged but I wasn’t. I felt off, weird, and robotic. + +I feel like this happens a lot to me whenever I hang out with other people who aren’t my usual group of 3 friends, even if I am “comfortable” with them. Or even sometimes in group settings when I can’t keep up with the energy of the group or my energy is too big in the group, but not so much one on one. + +Any idea why this is happening to me? Is this masking?",Bipolar +50566,"do we experience every single emotion stronger than others? i just saw something that really affected me and emotion consumed me. i immediately wanted to harm myself. + +are all our emotions stronger than others? or am i dramatic and only experience clinically strong emotions in episodes?",Bipolar +50567,"Sexual consent during psychotic manic episodes Can consent for sexual acts be given during psychotic manic episodes? Visual hallucinations seeing other people's faces on different people, auras around people, massive delusions, euphoria, etc involved. How debilitated must one be to not be able to give consent?",Bipolar +50568,"Work absence and diagnosis Long story short, I had to leave a job after only six months because of a medicine induced manic episode and subsequent diagnosis. So it doesn’t look so bad like I just quit a job (I actually did turn in a two week notice) could I use the bipolar, or just general mental health issue as my reasons with recruiters and hiring managers? Just wondering if anyone else has been through this, because I’m sure I’m not alone.",Bipolar +50569,"Should I tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab? So this is related to bipolar medication, I’m on 500mg ER quetiapine, I take it every night, however, I had to pull an all nighter for class so I misses the dose last night. However, I get symptoms if I don’t take the quetiapine at the same time each night, so I had to take it in the morning because I started getting symptoms. Basically I don’t think I can even get to class right now because I’m so out of it, normally I sleep after taking it so I forgot how crazy the side effects can be especially because I haven’t have food in awhile. So , do I go to lab in this zombie state, or tell my professor I’m sick and miss lab, while probably inconveniencing everyone who have helped me lots this semester and been very accommodating.im worried too bc it would mess up my lab schedule, and my report is due in a week . But i dont think i can go out an d function right now",Bipolar +50570,"I wish I could date a therapist to receive free therapy. This is obviously a joke. Why are therapies so expensive? I acknowledge that therapists work hard to be qualified, but my insurance barely covers it. The relief I feel after every session is counteracted by the anxiety for the amount on the invoice. + +I wish I could get the help I need without having to sacrifice half of my paycheck.",Bipolar +50571,,Bipolar +50572,My friend feels she’s is being outcast after advocating for neurodivergent individuals I’m new to this sub so let me first thank you all for this wealth of information you all have been so kind to share. Like the title says my friend feels as though she has been bullied and ostracized from her fellow coworkers since coming forward with her bipolar diagnosis. Who can we turn to that will advocate for her rights?,Bipolar +50573,"can hormonal birth control trigger depression for us? So I have been feeling pretty down the past few weeks. It could be a lot of things that triggered it. However, I did recently start taking birth control for pcos. I'm beginning to wonder if they can have an effect on our moods. I'm still taking all my other medicine, but I can't shake this feeling of sadness and exhaustion.",Bipolar +50574,"Just started the process of getting diagnosed, I’ve spent years in denial despite obvious signs Hey everyone, to start I’m a 21 year old female living in the United States. I come from a family that has a close history of Bipolar and ADHD. My grandfather has pretty severe bipolar and due to his refusal to fake traditional medication he’s an addict and has been separated from my family since I was a child. + +I’ve shown signs of being bi-polar for a very long time now, was diagnosed with ADHD, got on the meds for that, but still struggled significantly. I knew everything I was experiencing pointed to Bipolar II, but with it being so taboo in my family after my grandpas actions I refused to ever admit it. +However now after talking with my psychiatrist he strongly believes I am bipolar and we will start a more in depth diagnosis beginning soon. + +I have mixed feelings, I’ve known that this was most likely the answer but I didn’t want it to be true. I hate that I have to be the one in my family to carry the “bipolar” role, I know they will look down on me and assume I’ll end up the same way that my grandpa did.",Bipolar +50575,"Trust issues I’ve been researching trust issues and coping mechanisms and an article I read brought up bipolar disorder and how trust issues can be indicative of bipolar. I have a lovely partner but I can’t scrape it from me to trust him, no fault of his own. He has done nothing to betray my trust. How have you trusted healthy partners after the bad ones? Im trying very hard not to ruin this but alas I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.",Bipolar +50576,"What's your go-to comfort show when you're down and what's your show for when you're up? Any particular reason? I'll start: +1. When I'm down: M*A*S*H* (the nostalgia and predictability, classic style characters are comforting for me) +2. When I'm up: The Simpsons (I'm really familiar and can keep it on in the background while doing something else or leave and come back without issue).",Bipolar +50577,"Dealing with self-loathing? I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips for coping with extreme self loathing. + +I'm medicated and in therapy, but neither of these things seem to help when the self hatred hits me hard. I guess this would be considered a depressive episode, but i don't really get manic anymore, so who really knows. + +I just hate myself so much that it makes me suicidal. I wish i was someone else entirely or that i just didn't exist. I've hated myself for most of my life. Probably since puberty and realizing i didn't look like the other girls and i was weird. I never fit in. I was always overweight and not conventionally pretty. Thru out my teen years i made so many bad choices - drop out, ex junkie then teen mom. Such an undesirable life. I can't even fathom how anyone could possibly love me. Stupid, crazy, ugly failure me. I'm 34 years old and i still feel like that little outcast kid that no one cared about. + +Can anyone relate? Did anything work for you?",Bipolar +50578,"I have question about your depressive episode Is your depressive episode caused by + +specific life event (triggering event) + +or + +flow of time and biological cycle? + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +mine is caused by specific life event (triggering event) + +and idk how other people go thru depressive episodes + +i am recently diganosed (my doc was confused about my symptoms and tracked me for a long time) + +and i want to be educated + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +thank you so much and hope yall have a good day",Bipolar +50579,,Bipolar +50580,"i cant stop smoking. weed man. i dont get withdrawals when i stop or anything i just struggle so bad with controlling it. i promised myself i’d take this week off of smoking and from here on out at least taking 2 days off a week, but i’ve already smoked 3 times this week. it’s the only fucking thing that keeps my moods under control when im home as my family is extremely toxic. i don’t want this to turn into my old habits. :(",Bipolar +50581,,Bipolar +50582,"do you have to abstain from alcohol with this disorder? Just diagnosed after coming down from a hypomanic episode that resulted in a LOT of binge drinking. Is alcohol out of the question for someone like me? I am starting medication tomorrow and while I know I have a problem, I am hoping I can still participate in the occasional wedding/birthday champagne toast. :(",Bipolar +50583,"Are you a mom? How is that going? I’d really love to hear from other women who have bipolar and went ahead with having kids. How is that going for you? Do you enjoy being a mom? Is it manageable? + +I’m a woman in my early 30s and got married last year. It feels like everyone around me is having babies and I’m really trying to figure out if I want one. I feel like I could be happy/sad either way. I just started listening to an audio book about trying to decide about kids and I had to turn it off because it was making me cry. + +My husband is sort of happy to go with whatever decision I make. I know nobody is “making” me make this decision, but I don’t want to hit 40 and just say oops guess I never did that. I really just want to make up my mind either way.",Bipolar +50584,"Anxiety and fear suddenly gone Long story short, after a very difficult few months and then the death of a friend, I am not doing well. My therapist is asking that I seek a higher level of care, which I am pursuing (hoping for an IOP group spot to open up soon). I do know the ER is there if things get too serious before then, but I’m trying to avoid that if possible. + +I think I can finally admit that a lot of my thoughts lately are suicidal. Not sure why I couldn’t say that for so long, but the fog has lifted enough that it’s become clear. I haven’t felt this sick in nearly 10 years, since before my bipolar II diagnosis. I have no intention of acting on those thoughts but they are there nearly constantly. + +But the weird thing is, my anxiety suddenly disappeared recently. I don’t feel “normal” or free from anxiety… almost like the anxiety left and was replaced by a strange, calm apathy. I no longer fear death, and I haven’t noticed myself feeling nervous about anything. It feels almost like when the anxiety left, it almost gave the suicidal thoughts “permission” to be there. I’m not scared anymore. + +It’s been a weird feeling, and I guess I’m curious if anyone else has felt something like this? It feels confusing and I think I’m trying to make sense of it.",Bipolar +50585,"I need some warm people with me I'm M30, from Brazil and fortunately we have not the best health care provide by a government, but it’s something. So on… I’m been diagnosed as bipolar a 3 years ago a now a new doctor that met in last December took my case and I feelling she is doing her best to help me. I’m taking Lithium 900mg, Depakene 1500mg, Rivotril 0,5 mg (if panic attacks ou a huge anxiety crisis) and plus zolpidem 10mg for sleep. We started very low, I tried a few days only with lithium and it puts me in a major depression, then we started Depakene, kind help, but I’m still feeling stuck in my depressive cycle. My question to all of you is: how long did you take meds until your stability? I swear I can’t hold on anymore. I want be the person I used to be, have a job, have some dreams, take care of my appearance etc. TAB is so fucking unfair, how I hate TAB.",Bipolar +50586,How quick did your medication begin working for you? I began taking Lamotrogine 15 days ago and I've been looking for any changes I've seen in myself ever since then. I notice that I do feel a little more disciplined or maybe even stable but I'm unsure whether or not I'm just having a good week or it's the medication. My doctor said I would likely feel a difference in four weeks so I'm keeping that in mind but I just wanted to see what everyone else's experience with the medication was.,Bipolar +50587,,Bipolar +50588,,Bipolar +50589,"Midday coffee? I should give it up right? +Because I’m kind of agitated/ amped up now and I should already be asleep. +Ideas for helping to calm down/ go to sleep? + +Tell me all about your experiences with caffeine and coffee, fellow bipolar people. + +One of the trains of thought running through my head right now is in my own language (gibberish) which makes me think maybe I can’t blame this all on coffee lmao",Bipolar +50590,"Different types of mania Maybe this is just me, but I’ve noticed two types of mania I experience that I’ve dubbed ‘empty’ mania and ‘full’ mania. + +‘Empty’ mania (which I’m currently in, in case this is illegible) is like I’m floating and everything’s hilarious and but I also begin to dissociate and question whether I’m real/anything around me is real. + +‘Full’ mania is like my body is too heavy and too alive, and I’m too irritable to socialize with most people without snapping at them, and it’s almost like my body is too big for my skin, if that makes sense, and I feel everyone’s eyes staring into my too-big body. + +Again, maybe that’s just me, but it’s helped me be able to better track my moods like this.",Bipolar +50591,"I had the strangest feeling last night. Last night as I laid down to sleep and had my eyes closed, I had something that felt like a dream, but it was something that happened just before I feel asleep. I lucidly thinking about the experience as it was happening. + +I’ll start off with what I think it was. I think it was a new kind of suicidal ideation. + +I’m not religious at all, but this dreamlike feeling was full of images that felt like a type of beautiful afterlife, like a heaven or something. It was sweeping land and seascapes that looked like something off of an Asia album cover. Everything was iridescent. And I was flying high above it all loftily and effortlessly. It felt like the scenes from the Lost Boys when you see the vampires’ POV as they fly. + +It looked so real, and so perfect and peaceful, and I felt like it was calling me to it. I began to speak to it. I said, “please.. if this is it, please take me.” “Please take me away from this.” + +Usually if I have SI, it’s miserable and darkly depressing. + +It felt like the SI was being cunning and alluring this time.",Bipolar +50592,Zero sex drive while hypomanic It's the only symptom I don't experience with hypomania. It's actually the opposite—I am so high strung and hyperfixated on so many things that I completely forget about sex. I am not asexual in any way but the idea is just so unappealing during my episodes. I've never seen anyone share this sentiment and am left wondering if it's really that uncommon?,Bipolar +50593,"bad depressive episode due to stress from college hi!! i got diagnosed + medicated back in November. currently on 200mg lamotrigine. my mood swings have slowed down, however i’ve been noticing ive been more depressed as of late and going onto day 4 of feeling like this. + +im currently unsure if it’s because im not on the right meds or the amount of pressure im under rn. i feel horrible bc i havent been going to any of my college classes these past 2.5 weeks. i have also not been completing assignments which is also bringing me down. i just dont have the energy for it rn. the stress im under is due to my grades dropping and the possibility of me losing my full ride scholarship + +we went on spring break and i was the happiest ive ever been w/o being manic. once school kicked in ive been sleeping in all day. i really think my episode is due to stress rather than my meds. but god it sucks so badly. it just reminds me of how bad my episodes used to be. + +idk anymore. im feeling so miserable and useless. i wish i could get back on my feet but it feels impossible.",Bipolar +50594,"Feeling of dread and frustration related to work. Need advice. I'm on amisulpride 150mg, Valproate 1gm and Lamotrigine 100mg, but for a week or so I have this feeling of dread and frustration related to work which makes me not able to go to work. + +I very well know that it's an irrational fear, but I can't get over the strong emotion pulling me from attending work. +Ive tried DBT which hasn't helped. + +Its starting to become frustrating now. Worse still is I've had these episodes since the past few months so much so that I've been to work on and off, and not consistently. + +I work as a doctor in a large hospital. + +Has anyone else felt this way, and what has helped y'all to get out of it? +Is it part of depression or am I doing this to myself? Sometimes I doubt this too.",Bipolar +50595,"imposter syndrome sucks this sucks. i feel like a stranger. + +it feels like everyone has stronger or more intense symptoms than i do. my therapist keeps telling me that labels arent everything and that she treats the individual not the diagnosis. it made me feel like crap when she said that. like the diagnosis, the name, the labels i always chased to get that sense of validation we’re all meaningless. + +and now i keep thinking that something is wrong with me. but maybe it’s not BP2? + +my psychiatrist is tapering me off lexapro and will be adding lamotrigine soon. i am week 5 on wellbutrin. she wouldn’t be doing this is there wasn’t something actually on the bipolar spectrum right?",Bipolar +50596,"You aren’t your thoughts. You aren’t your thoughts. You just experience them. Just like how we have mental illness, but we aren’t the illness. It’s a disease just like cancer. You don’t see cancer patients saying “I am cancer”. They say they have cancer. + +I think saying “I’m bipolar” makes it seem like I’m saying that it’s my identity. I remind myself all the time that bipolar is not an identity, its just a journey that I’m on. A journey that is different than anyone else’s.",Bipolar +50597,"What am I doing with my life. I guess you could say I’ve done a lot in my lifetime, but I feel like I’ve just failed a lot. Before I was diagnosed I was on the fast track to be a lawyer at 22. That didn’t happen and now I am divorced and jobless with a useless bachelor’s degree. I can’t take classes at my community college because I can’t afford them. I can’t take university classes because I’ve dropped classes so many times they won’t give me financial aid. I have terrible credit and I am deep in credit card, personal, and student loan debt. I try getting jobs but don’t stay at them for more than a few months. I just can’t bring myself to do things I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I need to do to survive I will still just quit. That’s why I’m in such a bad spot. I don’t know what to do with my life. People say just get a flexible part-time job doing easy stuff, but if I don’t enjoy it I will literally quit two months in. My parent’s have been supporting me my entire life, even when I was married (my ex was a loser). I feel so bad for them to have this failure of a child. I’m not eligible for disability because I haven’t worked enough hours and I'm not eligible for SSI because my parents provide me with everything. Not that I could live off of either of those anyways. I’m so frustrated with myself. I'm not sure if I have any hopes or dreams left. I don’t know if I need advice or just to vent, but here I am.",Bipolar +50598,"Are we neurodivergent? I was reading the post about crapping on coping mechanisms that was posted recently and I was surprised to hear that many people consider themselves neurodivergent because of their bipolar. + +Please inform me if I sound really ignorant! + +I was under the impression that neurodivergence is an innate difference in thinking, permeating everything you do and the brain is inherently wired differently. This is most often associated with ADHD and Autism spectrum disorders. + +I personally feel that although I have a mental illness, that when well controlled and stable I am “wired” the same as most people. My therapist described an allegory that stuck for me which was “Your personality is the climate, and your mood is the weather”. + +I think that my climate is “neurotypical” and I do not identify myself as neurodivergent, more as someone who deals with periods of mental illness. + +What do you think about this?",Bipolar +50599,"I feel so shameful when I see how tidy and well decorated other people’s homes are Then I come home to a sink full of dishes, a carpet that hasn’t been vacuumed in ages, piles of clothes that haven’t been folded, cups and cans everywhere, and the list just goes on. I want to have a clean, cozy home with house plants that I’m proud to show off to people, but I don’t even feel capable of holding myself together for long enough to achieve anything close. I feel like a disaster of a human and I don’t know how to help myself.",Bipolar +50600,Brain candy guess Guess my brain candy (5 days Worth + suplements for the vegan on to!!,Bipolar +50601,"Saved a ton of water thanks to not showering due to depression I just got my annual bill and I used a fifth less water than previous years. Since November I've been showering very little. At one point it got so bad I wouldn't shower for 10 days, so yeah that saved a lot of water lol. Doesn't make up for all the money I spent during hypomania that came after, but it's still nice haha",Bipolar +50602,"Just diagnosed, super confused and scared 21F here. hi all, here we go: + +a few months ago, i had my first manic (hypomanic?) episode. It lasted 1-2 months. + +well, after all of the weird behavior, i was urged to see a psychiatrist. and then I was diagnosed. + +Ever since being diagnosed and given medication (my first time ever taking daily meds…), i feel somewhat at unease. Even though i have a weird feeling, right now i feel pretty stable and happy. i honestly didnt know medicine could change my life so much. + +But i feel like after experiencing my first manic episode, something in me has changed. Even when im feeling stable, theres some underlying feeling my mood may swing at any given moment. I am still working on finding the best meds for me, so maybe that may have something to do with it? + +I dont know. did you guys experience something similar after your first manic/hypomanic episode? Did the underlying unease ever go away? + +Sorry if I said anything wrong, i feel like there is still so much i dont know about bipolar. I had a great-aunt who was in and out of hospitals in her 20s for being bipolar, but she was shunned from the family from being addicted to drugs and leaving her kids. Any time i try to ask about her/her bipolar diagnosis, i get shut down. + +I am low-key afraid to google about it. So, all i know really is from what my psychiatrist has told me, which is a lot (with diagrams and everything). It was just a lot to take in.",Bipolar +50603,I am literally so tired of living like this I am 22f and I have bipolar type 2. I forgot my meds for two days and it triggered a depressive episode and im so pissed at myself because i thought i was doing good. Im so upset. I hate how it always ends back in this crazy headspace. I know its the bipolar but ohmygod this shit sucks so bad. I have to live my whole life with these random episodes of shit. Im tired. Sorry I am ranting. I just want a break for a year or something. Id do anything for relief from this disorder at this point,Bipolar +50604,"When u guys are stable, how 'stable' is that? Since I started taking meds(2year ago) this last six months is where I consider myself truly stable, but I still get sometimes some ups and downs that I feel isnt 'normal' if u know what I mean so and sometimes I'm self aware of intrusive thoughts and I try to reason with myself somehow but my mood still is affected by it + + Reading some stories shared here I started to wonder what 'stable' mean for each individual and how often do you feel stable but you think ""Am I really?"" + +I think every person with bipolar eventually will ask questions about what is part of their personality and what is the disease for lack of better word and I often think about the past and wonder ""was it that truly myself? how bad I felt, how good, when I was depressed, when I felt awesome and thought I could have accomplished big things, when I felt that I didnt fit anywhere and nothing was worthing pursuing... thelist goes on + +Share your thoughts with me people",Bipolar +50605,"Existing is so hard I don’t even have it bad (except for mental illness obviously) yet being awake is so fucking stressful. I have a supportive family, a great boyfriend, good friends, etc but I still want to be d3ad. Im on Wellbutrin, buspar, Vraylar and klonopin AND IM STILL DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS AND EMOTIONAL. I get they aren’t a cure all and I’d be much worse off meds, but what’s the point if I still can’t function in life?? I can’t work a normal job but I keep getting turned down for disability even though I over qualify. I fucking need money to live a life I don’t even want and I can’t get it. I’m about to explode",Bipolar +50606,"I'm starting my bachelor thesis on Monday and I'm already freaking out due to some technical trouble on the school's part. How do I get through this? Like the title said, I'm starting work on my thesis Monday. However, my school platform, where we have access to grading criteria, templates, general information about the whole thing, is currently having technical issues and I can't access anything. My teacher said we'll look into it tomorrow, but I'm panicking. In a few hours, it'll be fixed, but it feels so far away. + +What if there's something wrong and I'm not registered? What if there's been a mistake and I can't start my thesis? I've already done all the preparation, I worked hard to get permission to do my research at a company I'm really eager to work for and I would die of shame if I had to contact them to tell them I wouldn't be able to do the work as planned. + +My thoughts are spiralling. It's almost midnight here and I'm too wound up to go to sleep, so I'll be exhausted tomorrow, even if I do manage to get some sleep. I'm terrified this will trigger an episode. + +I'm just so scared right now. + +How do I get through this? It's only 12 weeks left of my Bachelor's. What if I fall apart right before the finish line?",Bipolar +50607,"bipolar and adhd, have you found successful treatment and what is it like? I've been diagnosed adhd for years, and refused treatment. 15 years later and I need treatment for depression and mania. And it feels like my adhd is no longer able to be managed. + +I just wanna know, will treatment help with the procrastination and feeling overwhelmed by everything? Will I be better than what I was before? + +If you need dual treatment, what changes did you and those around you notice?",Bipolar +50608,"psychiatrist told me not to google my medication, feeling weird about it starting this off by establishing that I am autistic, and one of my interests is self categorization. this can make me come across as a hypochondriac or doctor shopper, as I know my disorders/illnesses very well. once I started seeking treatment for my bipolar I learned everything there was to learn, joined communities such as this one, and started talking to others with bipolar. + +as a result of this, I learned a lot about medication. not even really on purpose, learning about the meds people are on is just an inevitable of being in a group like this. + +my psyche prescribed me abilify today, and out of curiosity I asked if that was the med known to sometimes lead to tardive dyskinesia. I'm not against trying abilify, all meds can have horrible side effects, but I wanted to know if that's what I was potentially getting myself into. I love my psyche, she's super nice and receptive, but she sorta laughed and told me to ""stop googling your medication"" which rubbed me the wrong way. it's a drug I'm unfamiliar with, should I not want to be prepared for the potential risks? I've told her before I'm open to trying anything, so it's not like I was telling her I wouldn't take it because I was scared, I was just asking a question so I know what to look out for. + +**I'm not gonna stop seeing her because this is such a small thing, but am I overreacting by feeling a bit icked out?**",Bipolar +50609,"Choice Theory tl;dr should I read Choice Theory or should I change therapists? + +So, my therapist has suggested that I read Choice Theory by William Glasser... I used a credit on audible to get it, it is a little over 12 hours long... I haven't started it yet, but what I have read about choice theory tells me I will disagree with a main premise, which my therapist and I kinda got into today... + +He insists that thoughts and emotions are choices. Going so far as to say that mental illness is a choice. In regards to bipolar, if you are not having negative consequences, do you have bipolar? Because you can choose your actions and reactions and emotions and thoughts. + +That medicine is a crutch and is not necessary. + +He says that this gives you the power to control your life and swings and even get rid of swings. + +This came up when I was asking about tools because my regular tool for dealing with intrusive thoughts isn't really cutting it for me right now (having the thought, then saying to myself, is this thought beneficial/useful/helpful to me?) + +There are several things here that I am in complete disagreement with. Medicine is necessary, thoughts and emotions are not controllable (i.e. they just happen, but can potentially be directed) and, mental illness is real and not a choice. + +Sure you can do things to help mitigate symptoms and try and improve yourself, but ~~I am pretty sure~~ I will always have bipolar. He has planted a seed of doubt. That my entire array of health issues might be psychosomatic. I also see gastro/neuro/cardiologists. It is incredibly invalidating...",Bipolar +50610,"Sappy post: loving each of you is helping my love myself Title says it. I love all of your humor, your strengths, your obstacles, all of it. I realized its helping me view myself as a real person and accept my own ups and downs as well! So, thanks for sharing your lives, internet strangers.",Bipolar +50611,"Forgetting episodes Does anyone else have holes in their memory from specific hypomania and/or depressive episodes. When family have brought up situations where I was manic or depressed I generally have very little to no recognition of what they’re talking about and it usually takes a lot of detailing to get me to vaguely remember. + +Please tell me I’m not alone 😬 it’s a little scary.",Bipolar +50612,"Has anyone tried Fanapt or have experiences? My psych just prescribed me 1mg fanapt and I’ve never heard of it before. Just wanted to see if anyone has had experiences with it. It’s also hard to get, I had to special order it to a specific pharmacy.",Bipolar +50613,"Friendships I keep getting into fights with my closest friends and it's almost like I can't help it. I always start them and I always say sorry earnestly after. They know I'm bipolar. My two closest friends aren't talking to me right now and I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of my life. I'm just wondering if y'all can give tips on maintaining close friendships. I'm bipolar 1 btw, not fully stable yet, I'm manic right now and I'm on lamictal and abilify. Was diagnosed almost a year ago.",Bipolar +50614,"My dr said that it seems like I have bipolar and prescribed me lamotrigine I went to my pcp 2 weeks ago for a follow up and was describing what I like to call ‘god mode’ when I can do anything, have unlimited energy, basically feel like I could fight god and win vs the times I get so depressed I can’t do anything except lay in bed and doomscroll. she said that it sounds like manic episodes and depressive episodes (I like my names better) and started me on lamotrigine. my last therapist also said I have bipolar but she was also a quack and I have no idea how she was allowed to become a therapist. I did a few days in grippy sock jail after going through several months of god mode until god nerfed me I did the bad and they said that all I had was major depressive disorder and anxiety +I guess I just don’t know what to think or what to do",Bipolar +50615,"Cold showers Going to try it to help shake this depression cycle. It’s lasting longer than usual and I can’t afford to let go all of my progress. My usual go to methods are not stimulating me enough to make the switch. + +Anyone tried cold showers? How did it turn out for you?",Bipolar +50616,"i just saw my ex that never posted me have his new girlfriends initial in his bio and a highlight for her im feeling the emotions i get when i’m manic. i haven’t been aware of my BP for long. is this enough to trigger a sort of episode? + +i saw the colors around me change, my eyes started watering and i got the feeling in my chest i feel when i’m in an episode. + +i can’t tell.",Bipolar +50617,"I'm spiraling out of control and being diagnosed with a deadly virus, with a cure that costs $70k-90k. I'm splitting on everyone I know and actively trying to make my situation worse that way I can't come back from it.. (bipolar 2 + BPD) A week and a half ago I was diagnosed with hepatitis c. A deadly virus that costs about $70,000-$90,000 to cure. (I work an entry level retail job and can't afford it) + +This diagnosis caused me to go from feeling on top of the world, and stable, to actively wanting to die, feeling that nobody wants me around or loves me, and splitting on everyone around me. + +Today I told the people I'm close to that I'm suicidal, and then I blocked them all. + +I don't want relationships anymore. I always let people down, and I don't feel like anybody ""needs me"". I genuinely don't want to be close to anyone again, because either I get let down, or I let them down, or I push them away. + +It's only going to be a matter of time before I am fired from my job, and I'm homeless. I don't have any food, as I don't have a car or a way to get it, and I'm miserable. + +I've been writing ""letters"" if you get what I'm saying. And I've been planning things out in my head.. + +I feel like this isn't something I can pull myself out of. + +Even if I did manage to start feeling better, I'd still me an unwanted outcast with a deadly, contagious virus. I hate myself, I hate my life.",Bipolar +50618,"How to explain what BD is like? Hi friends! Sorry if this is the wrong place to post. + +I (20F) was diagnosed with BD2 back around October, so still fairly recent. I am super lucky to have a family that encourages me to keep going to therapy and stay on medication, however I’m finding they don’t really *understand* what I’m going through. + +While I’m aware there’s no real way for them to conceptualize what is actually happening to me during hypo episodes more specifically (was misdiagnosed w depression at 17, depression I feel is a little easier understood) I’d like to be able to have them be aware of what an episode is like. I can’t exactly put it all into words when trying to explain it to them myself, and I often feel like doing that ends up scaring/worrying them more. So I’m looking for a resource that can detail what hypomania is really like, whether that be a day-to-day kind of thing, or just an extensive list of symptoms. + +Most recently I spent several days awake, and have had obvious weight loss, which led my dad to ask my older brother if he thought I had been getting into meth/coke, as my dad was previously addicted to meth and experienced similar symptoms. + +Thanks to all who took the time to read this!",Bipolar +50619,"Being in a relationship as a bipolar person is like having two relationships. Nobody outside of this type of relationship will ever understand. + +When I’m stable, I am the best husband. Our relationship is amazing. Model relationship. + +Then when I’m manic (which for me usually swings between periods of high anxiety/irritability or intense happiness), we have a troubling relationship. + +It’s so weird how one can snap back to the other. I feel so bad for my wife who is a rock. But, everyday I strive to keep myself stable for her.",Bipolar +50620,"I recreated a few drawings during my rapid cycling...feel free to tell me they suck. I am a type ll and my hypomania makes me want to colour everything while my depression makes me want to kill myself...so I tried this method of venting...hope you like them... +Thank you for reading",Bipolar +50621,"Newly diagnosed I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 three days ago and have already been diagnosed with anxiety and autism. I don't know where to start. I am relieved, because my mother thought I was having hormonal changes or I was exaggerating, but my father actually tried to help. Whenever I think of those moments, being frustrated over my mother saying that I was using it as an excuse after I got diagnosed with anxiety, it saddens me. I feel better because now she is more careful. What do I do know ? I have some coping methods like music, physics, math, etc.",Bipolar +50622,"What do you do when people hurt you I've been hurt so many times by people I decided to trust. Im just over people at this point, because of my illness anyone can hurt me SO MUCH MORE than I could ever hurt them. It's too hard trying to manage my emotions even without factoring in the selfishness and unpredictability of people. + +&#x200B; + +Should I start trusting again? It's been 2 months and now I'm just bored, but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm still reeling from the extreme pain of the last time I was hurt. People have too much power over me, last time I was hurt it induced a mixed episode which resulted in psychosis and 2 suicide attempts. People are inherently selfish, I'm 100% convinced of this fact. But im getting bored and lonely.",Bipolar +50623,"I had depression since 13 And I got diagnosed with bipolar when I was 24. + +Is any of you diagnosed with depression kinda stuff during childhood? + +I feel I am the only one and this feels goddamn lonely",Bipolar +50624,"Possibly losing parenting rights due to bipolar disorder The most recent manic episode I had was after being depressed and diagnosed with major depressive disorder to be prescribed Zoloft. Within 6 weeks I was staying up for 9 days and delusional. I thought my partner was going to kill me so I called 911. The police arrived and I was very agitated and explained my delusions and they took me to the nearest psych ward for an evaluation. Unfortunately, that psych ward didn’t keep me long enough despite my volunteering to stay longer. They also gave me a medication I ended up allergic to which took treatment even longer. + +This resulted in asking my in-laws who live in a different state miles away to help me care for my daughter until I found the right medication combination and was stable. I knew it could take a few months and I had no one else available local to me. The only way my inlaws would take my daughter is if I signed over guardianship. I was under the impression it would only be for a year at the most. But honestly, I wasn’t really in the right mind to consent to that paperwork. I just knew I needed help and I did what I could to ensure my daughter had the best care possible while I got stable. + +Fast forward to now my partner and I petitioned the courts to end guardianship as I have been stable for 2 years. I have letters from my therapist and pdoc stating I am in treatment and stable and medication compliant. + +Well, my in-laws are trying to prove I am unfit for things I did while I was manic so they can adopt my daughter without my consent or permission through the courts. They're also trying to prove that my partner (their child) is unfit I am less worried about that. + +My therapist says they're on a witch hunt and that they're just trying to raddle me and no judge would grant them adoption. I hope she's right. + +I just wanted to share what I am going through because 1. support would be nice. and 2. if anyone else is going through this you aren't alone.",Bipolar +50625,"Do you also do this during hypomanic (mixed?) episodes? TLDR : I'm bipolar type two with mixed features currently in a hypomanic (mixed?) episode. +I experience some of these things: +- clenched jaw +- 10-15 minute panic attack that disappears in a few seconds leaving you confused but not feeling bad (just very confused) +- nightmares and night sweating +- completely forgetting to eat and losing the instinct of eating or liking food except shit like sweets cola coffee and chips (with cigs ofc) +Do you? + +Note : I'm like 95% sure I'm hypomanic right now and have been for almost a month but was in denial until a week ago, seeing psychiatrist on Friday to talk. + +Anyway, I'm experiencing these things and was wondering if anyone else had this: +- clenched jaw most of the time +- random 10-15 minute panic attack/dark dissociation (few times a week, had one where i couldn't contain a scream that was just so guttural like I was giving birth and then started hyperventilating so hard I almost fainted and had to sit down and hold onto something to not fall), but then all of a sudden you have a posotive thought and it disappearears in a second making you wonder what even happened and laughing at how dramatic you are +- nightmares or night sweating +- completely FORGETTING TO EAT, like losing the instinct to eat, even when I'm hungry I don't think about food but I think of resolving the problem so I stuff myself with the easiest fastest food that's kinda nutritious and idc about the taste, like plain slices of protein bread, Bananas (I don't even like the texture or the taste of bananas but its the cleanest and most efficient for hunger), vegan pre-made protein shakes in bottles (over 2 months I've consumed about ~100 of them, I have one every morning and other shit ""meal"" mentioned above) and SOMETIMES have the patience to boil a pack of ravioli that takes 3 minutes to cook and eat it just with olive oil and balsamic vinegar or airfry in 10 minutes a pack of vegan nuggets or fish sticks and eat them plain, yup, no sauce and not evem fried, such a treat (less dishes). + +Btw I'm also diagnosed with mixed episodes and I've experienced them, but usually they are way darker and cold with a bit of psychotic moments, and I just feel superior to others like an evil God and I'm full of rage. +Whereas here I feel quite at peace but a bit out of control, but I know that I'm gonna take care of it soon (going back tomorrow to my parents). And overall I feel happy everyday and grateful and I feel like the world is so beautiful but I just have those breakdowns described above few times a week if not almost daily these days... + +Mmh yeah I talk a lot but that's a known hypimanic thing. + +Thank you for reading if you did and have a good (insert what it is for you) ! ✨️",Bipolar +50626,"Bipolar doubt I was diagnosed with Bipolar last May after trying to kill myself and did seven nights in a pysc ward which did me so much good. + +For awhile before my diagnosis I had talked to my doc about ADHD cause I felt I fitted the symptoms of that so was in shock when I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar. When on what I call highs I get extremely productive. I get so much done and take up new hobbies that never last more than a couple of months. My lows are never so bad I'm depressed, but I have no energy mentally or physically and no interest in doing anything and I fall behind on everything. The house gets messy and I struggle to achieve anything. + +I have 3 kids so my anxiety goes through the roof when things get messy. I'm snappy to be around for my wife and my mother and I get into moods because everything in the house is messy again. It's like a vicious circle. My lows causes me to let the place get untidy and the mess causes me to spiral into worse moods. + +But sometimes when I read what other people go through and mine doesn't seem so bad in comparison I start to doubt I even have Bipolar. These thoughts sneak into my head, I feel like an imposter and that I'm not really as bad as I think, and I'm only lazy, subconsciously tricking people and cheating by being on illness benefit. + +Are these thoughts normal? I feel so guilty with myself then and it makes my anxiety even worse?",Bipolar +50627,"Do your episodes result in physical health problems? I've been battling bipolar for about about 8 years and just recently diagnosed and medicated in the past year and a half. Every episode I have results in my thyroid swelling up as a reaction to stress (like so big the endocrinologist gasped when he saw it), I have a whole bunch of nodules on my thyroid and now instead of the thyroid swelling up, it's the nodules that are filling with fluid and swelling up....only when I'm at the end of an episode so I know it's due to stress and the endocrinologist agrees. I've also experienced SIBO and I still do if I don't follow a strict diet, I became allergic to fragrance, coconut on skin, and Aloe Vera all out of nowhere, and my hair was falling out, this all happened when I was unmedicated, undiagnosed and extremely stressed out and my anxiety was through the roof. I'm just curious if anyone else has experienced extreme stress from these episodes that's resulted in other illnesses?",Bipolar +50628,"It’s here! I’m complimenting everyone and chatting with every stranger I meet. I did a bunch of art projects this weekend and have been having super great ideas lately (at least I think they’re great). The hypomania is here. That is all. + +(And I’m posting on Reddit more)",Bipolar +50629,"Has anyone ever... Has anyone ever stumble or read about something that could happen in the future and you start feeling weird and anxious and scared that it WILL happen because you read it, as if you could manifest/will the scenario into existence? because you feel like you have abilities to predict it to happen?? and the thing would probably never happened if you didn't read it.",Bipolar +50630,Med adjustments People who consider their bipolar well managed are you ever symptomatic? I’ve been stable and and symptom free for years but recently I have been struggling with some racing thoughts and i feel completely overwhelmed…. I am in a stressful situation that will be over in a 3-4 weeks. Do you call your Dr and change your meds or do you just ride it out?,Bipolar +50631,"Is it weird I’m mad I can’t even enjoy my hypomania? So I’m bipolar I, I’ve had pretty severe psychotic episodes before. After a REALLY stressful day when I had to bring my dog to the vet ER, I think it triggered some hypomania. I feel euphoric- hitting the gym, banging out a bunch of projects at work, trying to buy a house all of a sudden (even though my lease doesn’t end til November), having sex with my husband every day. But in the back of my mind I’m constantly worried this could spiral into a full blown manic episode. This is the first time since last summer I’ve actually felt GOOD. Like I’m actually going out every day feeling happy. And I can’t even really enjoy it because I’m chronically anxious it will spiral out of control. I hate that I can’t just be happy.",Bipolar +50632,"my amusing hypomania sign just a funny anecdote, one of my telltale signs of being hypomanic is midnight baking/cooking. batches of cookies, muffins, bread. it may suck but damn is it delicious",Bipolar +50633,"Feeling like I'm being watched/judged constantly but not necessarily by one person/thing- How do I cope with this? I've noticed that I often feel like everyone is watching me and judging every single thing and I have to act accordingly to not come off as weird. Like for example, when I'm at a crosswalk waiting to cross it feels like every single car is staring at me. Not even necessarily the people in the cars but the cars themselves are looking at me almost if that makes sense? It usually feels invasive but if I'm being honest, sometimes I weirdly enjoy it and I think it's some weird part of my brain wanting attention to be pulled to me. It's confusing and I'm not really sure how to deal with it.",Bipolar +50634,"My girlfriend who doesn’t rely on meds is tellin me I’m just using them as a band aid and how dangerous they are I take caplyta , lithium and now Prozac … and she just got on me for tellin her I now take Prozac , which I quickly regretted and told her I’m never tellin her anything about my meds again , it pisses me off . I told her I don’t need her or my family tellin me what’s good for me …idk venting and looking for insight if you have any , thanks",Bipolar +50635,"Is it normal to still see very brief hallucinations on antipsychotics I’m not experiencing psychosis or mania but sometimes I look in the mirror and I see something that isn’t there. This also happens with auditory hallucinations, where I hear someone calling my name when they’re not there. + +I’ve kind of accepted that I’m just gonna experience the world a little differently than everyone else at this point. These “hallucinations” don’t bother me at all and only last a few seconds, definitely not something that warrants switching medication.",Bipolar +50636,"They They don’t like me when I’m depressed, they don’t like me when I’m manic +Why does the way I act put everyone in a panic +Fuck, this is the way that I am +They just wanna medicate and slaughter the lamb + +I’m a pure soul +My rhymes got that sick flow +What you fronting for +Mood like a revolving door + +And I don’t even care +Used to smoke blunts and blow it in the air +But they don’t like that either +Had to give up the weed and the ether + +So here I am numb just the way you like me +Won’t scare anyone won’t just do it like Nike +So I’ll go through the motions +Although they still have their notions + +Thought I would ride til I die +In my dreams I can still fly +Anything to feel alive +But they took away my keys so I can’t drive + +So I guess I’ll express myself as a poet +I’m still the shit don’t care if you know it +Just another face in the crowd +Hide me away in a shroud",Bipolar +50637,"has anyone’s manis been triggered by self harm? i know mania can be triggered by stress, but has anyone’s mania been triggered by self harm? + +i know in the moment it doesn’t feel traumatic but self harm is traumatic. + +i’m struggling with thoughts of self harm + +i haven’t been aware of my BP for long and i don’t know what triggers my episodes, and i want to know if i were to self harm if i would trigger an episode.",Bipolar +50638,"Anyone take Asenapine with a CPAP? I have been taking Saphris (Asenapine). For over 10 years and also use a CPAP. One weird thing I have noticed is if I take the Saphris right before putting my cpap mask on, the Saphris doesn’t seem to work as well. I think it’s because the air from the machine dries out my throat and because the med is sublingual, it does not dissolve correctly. Has anyone else noticed this?",Bipolar +50639,"Scared and need to vent Yesterday I went to the walk in clinic because I was SURE I was having some sort of heart irregularity or attack, the doctor told me she thinks it is because I haven't been taking lamotragine (I ran out, and since i lost my health insurance haven't been able to get regular care. I have been on lamotragine since 2017) I am on my way to pick it up now, surprisingly I can afford it through their discount program...I am just so SO scared that I actually need this medication, I know that might not make much sense but it is just starting to feel so real that I might not be able to live without it. I didn't know going without it would literally feel like i was having a heart attack. I had been starting to think that maybe I had even been misdiagnosed back then, but that seems common on this sub...idk, I don't have my parents, or friends, or really any support network... I also can't afford therapy, so i just needed to vent about how scared I feel :( I was certain it was a heart attack.",Bipolar +50640,"In a deep depression My fiancé left me on Monday and I’m in a deep depression. She gave no sign that she was unhappy or anything and just left. I’m suffering badly and don’t want to be here right now. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to her but she wants nothing to do to with me. We had so many plans and dreams with each other. Last week we were looking at places to get married. I’m fucking miserable and don’t know what to do. + +I called my provider but earliest she can see me is the 10th. My anxiety and paranoia are extremely high and I just want my brain to shut off. It doesn’t help that it’s possible I’m schizoaffective disorder and not bipolar. I just want her back and to hear her laugh again.",Bipolar +50641,Sweating when hypomanic? Diagnosed and medicated since 2013. Wondering if anyone else starts to sweat significantly more during a hypomanic or manic episode? I can feel I'm om the verge of an episode and I just cannot stop sweating. I'm curious is anyone else has this experience.,Bipolar +50642,"What to actually do during a depressive episode? Hi! So I’m seeing a psychiatrist for my depression and I might be bipolar. I’m on medication now but it’s not working yet. I have more energy than before, but burned down my studies and social life because of my depression and I still feel like shit. + +I’m not bad enough for inpatient and there’s no intensive outpatient where I am and I barely have therapy. I don’t know what to do, I’m glad I’m not just crying, staring into nothingness and sleeping anymore. However, there’s only so much drawing, reading and bingewatching I can do and I feel like I’m slowly going mad with boredom but I don’t know where to find meaning right now. How can I fill my days in a non-toxic way?",Bipolar +50643,"When do I tell him? I’ve been dating this guy for the past nine months. We’re mutually exclusive but not yet bf/gf. I have bipolar 2 disorder and have been diagnosed on a few occasions. +I fear that if I tell him, or he experiences me during an episode it’ll be too much. +So my question is when is the right time? How do I have this conversation? When did you tell your partner?",Bipolar +50644,,Bipolar +50645,"Minimal success for 8 months Hi! I'm headed into work, so going to just get this out fast in hopes someone can give me advice. + +I have been at home for almost 4 years with mostly depression, some hypo mania, and one scary manic episode brought on by an antidepressant. I also have extreme anxiety and adhd. + +I started Lithium in August and was able to help my husband at work within a month. I came out of my shell, began to make eye contact, conversation, and was hired on as an administrative assistant. My career was teaching, but I know I can not be that person anymore. + +I have struggled the whole time, but was managing okay enough to continue. I am not okay again. Work is stressful in an unreasonable way and I can feel myself crashing. I am terrified of becoming the hermit I was for 4 years. I was hospitalized last March wanting to die from so much empty. I need to keep a purpose. + +Anxiety is almost unbearable and the empty, I can't do it anymore feeling is taking over. Music and TV feels fake and every task is a huge effort. These are some of my signs. I am back to needing ativan to function most days and adderal the others. How can I prevent a full crash? Help! + +Current meds: +Lithium 600mg at night +Ativan a couple times a week and increasing +Adderal when I am paralyzed several days a week. +I just added 500 mg magnesium glycinate and Vit D3. +Any words of wisdom are appreciated.",Bipolar +50646,tired and angry i’m just so over everything honestly. i use to love cleaning and self care and now it take all my energy to shower once a week. i’ve been on all these different medications and the only one that worked my insurance randomly decided they didn’t want to pay for it anymore. my psychiatrist is frustrated with me because i haven’t started therapy but i genuinely can’t afford it right now and i fully believe i’m in a place where therapy just isn’t a good idea. i’m on geodon right now and it just makes me feel nothing. i miss who i was before this diagnosis…. it’s all so exhausting.,Bipolar +50647,"I’m new I’m very recently diagnosed (in conjunction w ASD). I’m just very scared of my head; I’m scared of the way my brain makes me think and I am scared of how little control I have over it. Ive no idea what world I’ve entered into, mostly because I don’t understand much yet, despite wanting to. I’ve studied psychology at university before dropping out (multiple times), and it’s so easy to look at things on the outside and understand them, but to look introspectively is so difficult. It’s difficult to analyse the thoughts I should and shouldn’t listen to. It’s difficult to place or recognise moments of irritability, excitement, etc. Sometimes I’m panicking without even knowing I’m panicking or why. Im just very much in a state of barely knowing what’s going on in my head until the aftermath, unless it’s depressive thoughts, those are pretty easy to figure out, and by far the most common for me. People near me just say I shouldn’t think that way, but it’s hard explaining why I feel I have no control over how I genuinely feel… if that makes sense. + +Does it get better? I’ve been prescribed mood stabilisers.",Bipolar +50648,"Switching meds, planning pregnancy, and moving across country. Recipe for disaster? For context I have type one and a history of 4 hospitalisations in 7 years. ECT (worked amazingly but only for a while), tried loads of medications and it seems like we've finally found a combo that works. I haven't had a serious episode for over two years now. + +I have a two year old son and, despite the manic episode I had after four days is labour when he was born, he's the best thing that has ever happened to my mental health. I love him to bits even though he was a surprise and I was totally sure I wasn't ready. + +Now my husband and I want a sibling for him. We both never had siblings of our own, so he has no cousins and we both wish we had siblings. We want a baby sooner rather than later because the age gap keeps getting bigger. 3 years difference is ok, but 4 seems like much more to me. I don't know. I've started taking folic acid and we should be ready to start trying to conceive in May. + +We also happen to be moving across the UK for my husband's work in July. If all goes well, I could be pregnant by then. + +I told my psychiatrist this and he told me that my antidepressant, clomipramine, is dangerous to the baby in pregnancy and can cause serious heart defects. He wants to switch me to an SSRI (citalopram), which I've tried several of and they haven't done much for me in the past. Clomipramine worked for me I think because it's also effective in OCD and while I don't have OCD, my depressive thoughts are definitely obsessive. I've been taking clomipramine for since a mild depressive episode I had a year ago and since I haven't had any depression at all and I haven't gone manic either. + +I'm just worried with the move (even though I'm really looking forward to it) and the pregnancy and the medication change might be too much. As a mother, I feel having a serious episode is not an option, but then am I just putting more pressure on myself? Is this crazy? Should I try it or wait another year with the baby? Even just changing medication worries me, but I can't consider pregnancy without doing that first. + +I don't know exactly what I'm asking for here. Reassurance? Sanity check? Advice? Any and all of that is welcome.",Bipolar +50649,"Head noise, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking Anybody else feel like their brain is bombarding them constantly? It’s 3 major things for me: + +1. Music in my head. All the time, non-stop. Sometimes it’s a real song, sometimes it’s a song I made up in my head. Sometimes it’s a song I like, sometimes it’s super annoying (even my own songs). + +2. Intrusive thoughts. Could be anything from violent and disturbing images to something super benign. I have a bag of Mamma Chia brand chia seeds, every time I see I think “mamma chia, mamma chia figaro.” + +3. Obsessive thinking. I’ll become interested in a subject to the point where I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ll try to focus on something else, but I creeps back in and I wind up reading the same Wikipedia article 100 times instead of doing what I’m supposed to be doing. + +Just wanted to see if anyone can relate to this.",Bipolar +50650,"recently diagnosed & very anxious when it comes to meds hey all. + +i was recently diagnosed. to sum up my dilemma, my entire life anytime i’ve had a medical problem arise, i’ve always been dismissed as it being “anxiety”. i have a history of unexplained syncope episodes & wacky blood test results but no doctor has ever taken me seriously. perks of being a 22 year old female. i’ve been told to take antidepressants for viral illnesses & the like. so i’ve grown costumed to having a distrust towards doctors or i feel like they just use me for money & don’t listen to me, ya know? + +anyway, that’s not why i’m here. i hit rock bottom a few months ago & have been seeing a wonderful therapist who truly advocates for me & gives me a voice. he referred me to a psychologist & we did the whole genesight thing. she wants me to start taking latuda. + +i did the whole googling the medicine thing & asked some friends about it, & i have yet to see a good review. i also don’t want to be even more tired than i am now as i’m exhausted 24/7 as is. & im scared meds could impact work or school. + +i guess i’m just here asking for validation to ease my anxiety. will meds actually help me? or will i feel miserable? i’m really scared. i’m so hyper aware of my body & i freak out about any minor change, even headaches. but also as the months go on the more i feel wildly reckless & isolated. if i start taking them, & want to get off them, will they forever change me like antidepressants can? i’d rather enjoy my few months of mania no matter how wild it can be vs forever be different.. + +i don’t mean for any of this to seem invalidating or disrespectful by the way. it’s just my experiences/paranoia",Bipolar +50651,Puss in Boots: The Last Wish is the best representation of BP This film really triggered my anxiety in the theater because of its accurate representation of a panic attack. But the real kicker for me is how Puss looks at himself in his previous 8 lives compared to his 9th one. I feel like that is a perfect representation of my mania to now my first real depressive episode I have had. I also just received my diagnosis and it’s hits me so hard because it’s like I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I feel just like Puss… anyone else feel this way about this movie?,Bipolar +50652,"Stable for years Hey everyone + +thanks for taking time to read this. + +I've question to everyone here who is stable for more than 5 years. + +What are the things that helped you for being stable ?",Bipolar +50653,"Why are people crapping on coping mechanisms? I've heard so many people on this sub complain when a non neurodivergent tells them they should start to-do lists, or journal, or exercising. + +These are all great coping mechanisms, I understand the loneliness of being neurodivergent but shitting on routines and healthy habits isn't going to help anyone. + +I have to take medication AND journal AND do lists AND therapy AND medication AND take walks in nature AND a bunch of other stuff. Are y'all not doing that? Cause it damn sure helps",Bipolar +50654,"Is there anyone interested in joining a group for AvPD on Telegram? **Edit:** The Telegram group has been created, here's the invitation link: https://t.me/+r_m6p58MZUhmZDdk + +- Number of members as of 2022/07/30: **71** +- Number of members as of 2022/09/26: **158** +- Number of members as of 2022/12/25: **219** + +We created a [Telegram](https://www.telegram.org/) group/room for people with AvPD who want to talk to other people with AvPD, to break the loneliness, pass the time, make friends or just lurk. + +Please introduce yourself briefly (for instance: name, age, sex, country, languages spoken, hobbies) when joining the group. Also, remember to welcome people who just joined the group. + +If you have any suggestions or ideas to improve (in quality) the group, if you want to create an event or anything that might improve the experience of the group, feel free to share them in the group and ping me. + +[Telegram](https://telegram.org/) is available on PC (Windows), macOS, Linux, iPhone (iOS), iPad (iOS) and Android phones and tablets. There's also a Web version (but you first need to install it on one of your devices to use it). + +**Note:** You can also speak your native language in this group (if at least one other member also speak it).",Personality disorder +50655,,Personality disorder +50656,"Anyone else have nothing in common with other people? When I see normal people constantly talk and have fun with it, I'm genuinely shocked. How the hell do they have something to talk about all the time?? How do they know what would be interesting to the person they talk to? + +It feels like I operate on lvl 1 of social skills, while everyone else is already on lvl 100. Nobody around me has the same lvl, so I can't even train to become stronger; doomed to lose every encounter.",Personality disorder +50657,"Being a ghost would be my ideal form of existence. I really enjoy watching people live their lives, listening indirectly to their conversations while in public, being an observer of events etc. My problem is having to interfere on the world, I hate having to talk and to do things that will have consequences in it. I wish I could just watch life like a tv show or as if I was a ghost, in a way that no one could see me, nothing would be expected of me and I wouldn't need to worry because I would be certain of it. I could just contemplate the world in peace. + +Some of you guys may have watched Euphoria and I definitely feel a connection with the description made about Lexi, how she felt like she was an just observer and that her life was not really her life, just some sort of play or movie. + +These days I been having the classic ""I want to leave all behind and live in the woods with just a dog"" idea and daydreams, and I guess that a big part of it is because I feel like there I could be like this, or at least similar enough. Be an observer of nature, never having to deal with socialization again, only brief interactions for, let's say, buy necessary stuff from other people (which I don't mind). I know this isn't realistic for my context and also that it probably wouldn't be this magical thing, but it's a fantasy that brings me satisfaction. + +I guess I'm just burned out of people. A lot of bad things happened in my relational and social life since childhood till last year and I'm really bitter about it right now. Of course I want to find real connection, where I could be myself openly and comfortably, but because it always goes wrong and brings disappointments I'm really hopeless at this point and honestly kinda angry. I don't have patience for people anymore, I'm tired, I'm being judgy as hell and I'm activelly avoiding new people.",Personality disorder +50658,,Personality disorder +50659,"I am hurting Lately I just feel like garbage. I havent left the house much in like 2 weeks, and I've been missing class. It all feels too overwhelming for me, but being at home makes me feel like trash too...I cant win. I cant sleep right either. I wake up every other hour and im so tired.... + +I feel so angry and anxious lately too because I feel as if everyone hates me and that they're happier without me. My friends hardly talk to me lately. I see them on social media chatting and making plans to call/play games and im never included lately. Im not surprised though. Who'd want to be friends with someone as depressed and broken as me? + +I want to crawl in a hole and disappear :(",Personality disorder +50660,"I can't cope with my job I work from home as a software developer, most aspects of the job are too triggering, and I can’t handle it. + +Every morning starts with a daily update meeting. Since I usually had done only 0-30 minutes of work the previous day, I have no update to give, I panic and have to lie, and the lie is transparent. Afterwards I have to cool down from the shame, guilt, and stress. It’s already hard to recover from the procrastination because everything I do, with the code or on Slack, has a timestamp, a notification, and is visible to everyone. Once there’s something I’m avoiding (committing code, deploying code, posting the code for review, responding to someone, testing code, an upcoming meeting, etc.) I often go offline from inactivity, and then I’m afraid to even open my laptop (which can take hours to overcome) because once I do everyone can see I’m online on Slack; my procrastination then is immediately visible to the people who are impacted and who are looking for it i.e. people I’m not responding to, my manager. + +I already got in trouble for not doing my work, missing meetings, not responding to people for days or weeks, and just not showing up some days without telling anyone. I was put on a month-long probation, which I’ve gotten past only because I didn’t ghost entire days during that time. I have frequent meetings with my manager and I have to pretend I’m struggling way less than I am. I can’t admit that half or more of the days I do absolutely nothing, or how much communicating with people — the most important part of the job — so fundamentally terrifies me. + +I know every trick in the book about procrastination, time management, breaking down tasks, but that’s not enough when I’m this afraid of people. I’ve accepted I need help from another person. I’ve talked about this some with friends, but none of them understand, so all they can provide is sympathy. I have a psychiatrist and I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but they’ve all been unhelpful, many actively harmful. + +I know it's a slow process, but every single day at work is like torture, and I’m on very thin ice. Because I can’t get the work done, it’s not endurable, and I don’t have the time or energy to work on all the other parts of my life in dire need of work. I don’t want to quit because I haven’t been here that long and I had a big gap between quitting my previous job (for the same reasons). But I can’t stay like this for months until I find someone and begin making progress. + +I don’t know what to do",Personality disorder +50661,"AE feel like this? I’m 24 and don’t have a stunningly high body count, it never used to bother me but once i hit my 20s and people i knew hit that phase of sleeping around and doing the casual relationship thing it just hooked into my brain + +I tried to do the whole hoe phase thing but i’m terrified of everything around being more intimate with someone, making moves, doing things right, my own body; just not being able to keep up the act ive got going and having to have someone see all of me, you know? + +and on paper i know it’s fine not everyone on earth is hoeing it up, either side of the spectrum is fine, but my brains really latched onto this as another thing that makes me different from everyone else and something people are going to judge me for. like i’m not a person because no one’s ever really wanted me. & every time someone brings it into conversation i just feel physically sick with how much of the biggest freak i feel like + +i’m sorry if this barely makes sense i just really needed to get this off my chest",Personality disorder +50662,"How to deal with in-person avoidance? Hi dear community! + +I have a question, my partner has AVPD. We have been dating for some months. + +And I noticed that when he’s going through an anxiety “episode” or moment. He sort of physically avoids me. + +For example if he feels embarrassed, or has low self esteem particularly high that moment. He will “hide” behind his laptop, or walk behind or in front of me, distancing himself physically, while still being kind, it’s more of a way of hiding from me, when he can’t actually leave. (For example when we share a hotel room on vacation) + +I did notice that when I grab his hand to hold mine while walking, that he does reciprocate(even when he tried to walk behind me or further away from me) but I’m not sure if he does it to please me but dislikes it, or if he likes it that I’m gently being reassuring and consistent. + + +My dear Avpd-Ers- when feeling low, do you like being comforted, or do you truly want someone to take distance and leave you alone? I just want to learn how to handle the situation so he feels comfortable! + +Thanks everyone !!",Personality disorder +50663,,Personality disorder +50664,"Expressing myself I feel like I’ve had a realization in the last few months that I wanted to share. It’s that one of the ways forward with this disability for me is to learn how to honestly express myself without distortion, and to do that constantly without regard for the fact that it causes me pain and discomfort. + + I used to cope with my issues by putting on a mask of a personality that I built using self help books and a desperate need for approval. Basically just the ‘fake it til you make it strategy’. Although I became more conventionally likable, it truly did not help in the long run as I was never able to get close to people. Now I am back to an ultimately isolated life. But I’m trying something different. + +It’s very challenging to me and not always doable but I think it is necessary. And that is to view socializing as a simple and honest expression of myself between others. When I have a thought or opinion or feeling, say it, put it out there in some way (for better or worse). Also, treat what others say as true expression of their being. This may sound silly but I think it is a subtle seeming thing that is actually big deal. + +As I said it’s challenging and not always doable, this is because +1. A deeply negative emotional and sometimes physical reaction to the idea of expressing most things in my mind for fear of embarrassment or rejection. +2. My brain going blank due to weariness and therefor not having anything to express. +3. The fact that isolation makes me depressed and lonely so the things on my mind can bring the vibe down. + +But regardless I realize that this is what I have to do, and that watching myself mindfully and purely expressing what’s on my mind is the only way forward. Usually what happens when I force something out is that I brace for impact. Brace for embarrassment, rejection, etc. Usually I assume that people are secretly embarrassed for me for whatever I said, but whether or not that is true isn’t important. + +I’ve been trying a lot of tools of expression such as music, writing, and drawing, and I think these are helping me learn how to express myself naturally. + +Anyway, I’m tired of pretending. Im not sure if I will ever be able to speak without fear and shame, but at least I won’t have to strain myself into a ‘safe’ caricature. Maybe this seems like crazy person thoughts but I hope someone relates or understands.",Personality disorder +50665,"An absence of social pleasure (social anhedonia) It is not possible to know what it is like to experience the world from inside someone else’s body, but I can infer from others that people enjoy being with other people more than I do. + +It is rare that I enjoy a person’s company. Usually I look forward to being alone again. Instead of pleasure, I do feel an absence of loneliness or fear, but these are not pleasure. I very much experience health benefits from being with other people, I can’t deny this, but in the moment I feel like something important is missing. + +To say it different, I don’t feel a desire to be with others unless I am wanting to soothe or avoid loneliness or fear. By default, being alone is peaceful and ideal. + + +Is it really anhedonia, or is it also possible that my default is actually that the social anxiety overpowers the social pleasure so that I can’t feel feel. And it takes a really strong negative emotion to overpower social anxiety in order to provoke a desire to be with others. + +Wish I understood so that I could participate more in life.",Personality disorder +50666,"I dream that someone would adopt me. I'm 23 years old. + +I hope everyday that someone else than my mom would see me, find something they like about me and decide to brush me off and give me a piece of shelter. + +I've been through too much shit to start over with my family and I just want to feel like I matter and I can make a difference.",Personality disorder +50667,"How do you deal with making mistakes? Like breaking stuff that’s not yours, or forgetting to do something important. I’m a perfectionist and every time I screw up it kills my mood and sends me into a spiral of self loathing. Suicidal thoughts appear immediately. Can’t help but see myself as an anti-Midas, and that’s one thought that usually proves itself to be true. + +I just had a bit of a fuck up. Don’t care to go into detail about it, but moments like this are why avoidance makes sense. It never would’ve happened if I didn’t take the chance.",Personality disorder +50668,"how to gently ghost an avoidant without making feel them guilty? so, throwaway because i’m afraid she might be in this sub. +before asking the real question, long story short (tldr at the end): + +so me (22m) and this girl (20f) matched on tinder a year ago, we want on a date and then she ghosted me the day after. +tried to talk to her one day after few months, got a single message reply and then she disappeared again. +at the end of last year i notice she was on hinge saying she broke up with her bf, so i started posting instagram stories that she might’ve been find interesting, and she started liking them, so after a while i reached out to her and wishing a happy new year. she seemed kinda interest, so we made plans for the following week. +she ghosted me again. i was disappointed. +after few days i noticed she had put me back in the close friends (she removed me from it after the first ghosting) so i thought “mh she might be to ashamed to write me back after all this time, i’ll reach out again” +and since then we never stopped talking anymore, but here comes the problem. +we just talked for a couple months, i tried not to push anything to don’t let her make uncomfortable and run away again, but she basically is just venting on me, and now she started venting also about “male friends” on and on, so i got suspicious, and i was right, she’s back on hinge with a fresh new verified and recently active profile. + +now here comes the problem, and i don’t mean her being on hinge, at least not directly. +-she’s in therapy and on meds, i’m pretty sure her therapist wouldn’t suggest her to be on hinge (correct me if i’m wrong). +-she said she couldn’t drink cause of meds and of med swings, but few days ago she started hanging out at night (she couldn’t do it before hanging out with me couple weeks ago) with “a male friend” and wanted to get drunk ( 🚩). +-she said she’s to anxious to hang out with people outta blue ( 🚩). +-we were talking about hanging out again, said she was super busy, got even more busy with college lessons, but she found the to hang out with somebody else, while i’m being her emotional support for the last 2-3 months +-didn’t text me back for couple days after hanging out with that guy + +so the real question is: how do i gently end up things with her? i don’t want to make feel her guilty, but i can’t keep stressing myself this much + +i thought she’d made progress with her therapist, but apparently she isn’t doing much of what they says, so i think she might be helpless and toxic, and mostly we aren’t on the same page, i truly love her and i think she knows but she’s playing with me and using me just to vent and for not feeling completely lonely + +TLDR after being ghosted multiple times with a girl with avpd, adhd and probably bpd too (i’m referring what she said to me), we seemed to bond for once, but she might be a toxic person and i don’t think i don’t want keep pursuing this anymore , i’d like to slowly walk away without hurting both of us. +she probably know i’m in love with her and she’s playing me. even if i’d come out and we’d make things work (quite impossible imho) i’m not sure she might be a good fit. + +-sorry for language mistakes and for the format, but i’m from mobile-",Personality disorder +50669,"I’ve got two degrees and both university experiences were almost identical in social sense It honestly amazes me how similarly horrific my social experience with the second degree was even though I KNEW the pitfalls and tried my best. Granted, covid did happen as I started. Still don’t know if it could have been different for me, I’m bitter to say the least. + +Both times it was something like this: + +First year, I try to fit in but get all stressed out. People reach out a little, I either avoid it or get in the situation, act awkward and get back to avoiding. + +Second year, I get a nervous break down, heavy paranoia and practically speak to nobody. People stop reaching out. + +Third year, I feel a little better in a who cares anyway -kind of way, I try to act like a normal person again but people make an effort not to even come in contact with me. I feel like I’m still in quarantine, not even alone but like actually hated by a bunch of people even though I practically don’t exist to them.",Personality disorder +50670,"Alameda by Elliott Smith and AvPD I’m not saying Elliott had AvPD, but as an AvPD-sufferer I feel like the lyrics in this songs fits to a lot of what’s going on in my life. I’m constantly guarding myself against other people’s love («your protection over their affection»), and basically alienating myself from them («Nobody broke your heart. You broke your own, cause you can’t finish what you start»).",Personality disorder +50671,,Personality disorder +50672,"I rejected her even though I wanted her I made plans with a girl and we wanted to meet. + +I decided to cancel it and I told her that I don’t feel good. Obviously she asked what is trying to get me as a some physical illness, but in reality depression is trying to get me. I mean I really don’t feel good I didn’t lie, it’s just not a physical illness. + +What I am suprised is that she instantly also said that we can meet next week. I thought she isn’t interested and she is just messing with me, that’s also reason why I decided to cancel. I don’t think that my depression will be cured until then.😕",Personality disorder +50673,I’ve been thinking about dxxth a lot recently. How do I stop?,Personality disorder +50674,"Why am i so weird and how to get better interacting with people? Context- when “normal” people interact with each other they speak and converse like they know eachother beforehand when they dont. But im always quiet and just silently looking at them? And like i know they notice it and sometimes they dont even want to interact because im so silent? + +Its like really hard to interact with when it’s about personal relationship. But when i have appointments its easier? + +(Extrovert/ normal idk What to Call it)",Personality disorder +50675,"Feel like a leech Sometimes a song stops me in my tracks and [this is one of them](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjxIuZVgjp8). + +My mother would tell me I’m exactly the same type of person as the lyrics of this song describe. She called me a sociopath, someone really sick in the head and not redeemable. That I tried to purposely ruin my family’s lives. Like I had a secret agenda that even I couldn’t know about. It’s been the foundation of all of my relationships with others, and helps explain why I get so nervous trying to get close with anyone. Trying to connect while thinking I’m secretly extremely evil and unlovable and that I’m taking advantage of everyone just by wanting to talk with them. That everything I say is actually ‘calculated’ and manipulative, despite me being unaware of this. That my side of the story isn’t just shameful and wrong, it’s *evil and vile.* + +Avoidant with BPD is contradictory hell. I’m hating closeness and trying to stay away but the other side of me is always getting too close in the relationships I can keep so they don’t leave me. I’m unbelievably stressed because I’m so close to disaster. I hate to vent to my best friend of several years because I feel like I’m being too greedy of her time. I feel like I’m “sucking off all the meat” of this relationship, taking up the space for my troubles, and then I don’t even improve. I know she’s going to leave when she discovers I’m actually a terrible person and that I don’t change. I can feel it creeping towards me and I want to die. + +I feel like she’s only my friend because she falsely believes I have potential. I feel like I’ve somehow manipulated her into thinking I’m a nice person. I feel like I’m so much worse than she thinks. I can’t understand why someone would care about me, other than they must be confused thinking of the wrong person. I can’t believe the situation I’m in. It happens every single time, and I never learn. + +I get her texts saying I need to try to get help and I just want to sink into the ground and die. I feel like I’ve done something really wrong and should stop talking to her. The answer is simple: stop avoiding therapy. Actually tell the therapist the truth. Everyone is sick of me including me.",Personality disorder +50676,Hypochondria Who here has hypochondria?,Personality disorder +50677,Creep Is Radiohead Creep the Anthem for AVPD or is our problem so much more comes?,Personality disorder +50678,"My first therapy appointment in a long time I have had bad luck with therapists in the past but decided to try again. I am mainly going to overcome a fear of driving. I have driven before back as a teenager and the process was going well but there were some things that happened that then hindered it. Before in therapy, I didn't have specific goals and I don't think that helped.",Personality disorder +50679,"I got in a bad car accident the other day and the worst part is having to talk to insurance people on the phone🤦‍♀️ +maybe this isn’t the best place to post this but literally why am I like this? I could’ve fucking died and I’m more scared of talking to people on the phone. maybe I’d find it a little funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. aren’t normal people supposed to be more traumatized about the actual crash/near death experience? meanwhile I’m over here basically having a panic attack over having to talk to people over the phone about it. this is ridiculous.",Personality disorder +50680,"I think I have AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) I have recently come across AvPD and I realized that I relate to almost all of the symptoms. First off, I’m very anxious in almost all social situations. This includes hanging around friends i’ve known for many many years, being around extended family (who i’ve also known for many years), being around coworkers, meeting new people, and even just going grocery shopping. + +I often try to avoid a lot of social situations which has definitely affected a lot of my relationships. I’m not very close with my friends or family anymore. I still hangout with them sometimes but it’s not on a very deep level. I don’t really open myself up to anyone. I’m scared of people figuring out my true personality and that they won’t like me for who I am. I hide lots of parts of my personality and not one person on this earth truly knows me. I’m close enough with my parents that I don’t get anxious around them, however I still hide many pieces of myself and don’t feel comfortable enough to show everything about myself. + +I have also struggled to find jobs that don’t make me anxious. It took me until I was 18 years old until I finally got my first job because of this. I currently work at a daycare and have worked here for about 7 months and my anxiety has seemed to get worse. I have been thinking about quitting for awhile now but am terrified of having the conversation with my boss about quitting. + +Whenever I’m at work, I feel inferior to everyone else. I feel like I have less experience, I overthink everything, and I am so awkward around my coworkers and parents. I feel like I’m incompetent and people don’t take me seriously because of my poor communication skills. My mind often goes blank when I’m asked questions and I don’t feel like I’m much of a help. I also try to focus completely on the kids and I would rather not form any real relationships with other coworkers. I try to keep conversations polite and small. I rarely talk about myself either, just enough to get by. I play it safe. + +I’ve always just felt like there was something wrong with me. Social anxiety kinda describes the way I feel but it seems like it’s more than just that.",Personality disorder +50681,"Anyone else terrified of dying alone? (finally found the will to post here after years of lurking) + +I’ve been living alone for all my adult years and I work from home. I don’t have any kind of social life and can easily spend several weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone. I do have family, but they all live far away and I don’t see them often. + +So sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever have a stroke or a heart attack, or if I fall down the stairs, or if I choke on some food… I often read about people being found dead in their home several years or even decades after they died, and deep down I’m convinced that’s how I’ll end up. It really makes me feel scared and helpless and I don’t know how to cope with it.",Personality disorder +50682,"What is your height? I prefer males to answer this but if you feel it bothers you as a female too, plz feel free to choose as well. I kind of want to see if it may be a risk factor for this PD or if it’s irrelevant… and it bothers me a lot. Feel free to leave your thoughts below too. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/120kyg0)",Personality disorder +50683,Who knew Omg I'm home. Finally a place I belong.,Personality disorder +50684,,Personality disorder +50685,"Faking Yourself ? Does anybody else feel the need to fake yourself in front of others? + +I pretend to be happy and not depressed, because frankly, no one likes a depressed person. Even I know that. But beyond that, it’s like I have no personality. The only reason I can survive my office environment at work right now is because of an actual, real, and positive coworker. She has the personality that I wish I had, easy to talk to and very kind. But she’s leaving tomorrow. + +So I’ve been faking my entire self. Happy, smiling, and trying to make conversation when all I really want to do is shut myself in my room. What can I even do at this point? How can I maintain a normal relationship without having to be the fakest person in the world ????",Personality disorder +50686,"I'm screwed, maybe many of you are too? One thing I'm aware of is after you've been disconnected from societal norms for a few years, it seems very difficult to return. I tend to stay away from looking at other people's lives, overall it is good but you also need an awareness of how far adrift you are and the standard you're compared against. + +The average person is socially active, whereas were disengaged. They have a constant stream of chores hobbies events plans, messaging circles. In a day some days I speak to no one and can't even find the motivation to do anything new, even something like watching a movie I can put off. My point is that after a while when you look at the ''activity level'' of a normal average person I just feel inadequate. This is made worse reinforced by the fact that whenever i do try connect with others I get rejected thats because they can sense pretty early I have nothing going on for myself in these social areas and I am not so much like them. And thats the catch-22 because people excluding you stops you ever having anything. + +I'm incapable of organising a fun life, things, like viewing someone in family gathering and getting along with large groups of people and creating a good impression, are intimidating,nearly impossible for me. I'm behind in career, life experiences, life skills, energy. It's just difficult to even get a footing, iv been cut away for so long and many types have closed the door on me",Personality disorder +50687,"Does avpd stem from childhood trauma? Hi lovely community! I’m quite new on this forum! And just wondered if the origin of this is similar to what people refer to as an avoidant attachment style in which a lot of sources claim it’s due to neglect from parents in early childhood. + +What triggers avpd or what is the kind of trauma that sparks it? From what I’ve read so far it’s not something you are born with but rather develops with age? +Please correct me if I’m wrong!",Personality disorder +50688,"Anxiety after the gym Ever since I started going to the gym , I have fallen in love with it. I look forward to it everyday as it completely distracts me from whatever it is I might be dealing with in my head. I usually go in the evening and up until then I'm fine. But I swear that drive back from the gym and when I'm sitting in my room all alone, can be extremely excruciating sometimes. The anxiety feels like a balloon going up and up into the sky, eventually it will pop and come back down. It's just an awful feeling, and I feel it almost every time now. I wonder if anyone else has felt it or knows what I'm talking about? It's such a terribly lonely feeling I get. I think what really bothers me more than anything in my life is this belief I have that I am not a good person. I mean it's not like I'm cussing people out or being a dick to anyone. It's more like I treat people like they don't matter or mean anything to me, it's an extremely shitty thing to do. Like I see a lot of the same people every day, and I think normally this would result in you forming a bond with them slowly at least. But it's not like that, everyone that's not in my immediate family just gets kept at arm's length. Even then, the relationships I do have with my family almost seem to be held up by plastic and tape.",Personality disorder +50689,,Personality disorder +50690,"Storytime... Hey, so... I've made some realizations in the shower as I do what most of us do and plan out the conversations I'll be having in two weeks because I know it's going to happen and I need to be ready or I'll just clam up and nothing is going to happen. We've all been there, most of us are still there, let's talk about what I'm thinking about in this little vent sesh. + +Alright, so I was showering, thinking about how akward it's going to be when I tell my friends some secrets. Wow! I know, sharing secrets! It freaking sucks! + +So basically, I'm part of a church group, and these people are closer to me than my family because I don't like/trust my family and being around them is stressful. These friends that I hang out with all the time are my safe place and they make me feel...happy really. + +Though I don't share everything, these people are genuine and kind, and they always make me feel safe. It's just that, I am going on a mission trip with them this summer. Going to Africa, and it took them months to convince me to come with them. I still don't like the idea of going, but knowing that I'll be with them the entire time makes me feel much better. Besides, I used to fly a lot so the plane ride will be pretty nostalgic for me. + +So, as part of going on the trip, I have to do a few things. One thing that I have to do is research a topic on one part of the trip and give a presentation to oir team (9 people including me). I trust, love, and feel safe with everyone on this team, and all but one of them have been my closest friends for almost 2 years now. I couldn't ask for better friends. + +Anyways, the presentation I'm giving is in two weeks and I'll be discussing the entertainment part of the trip. Basically, I just have to research what kind of entertainment there is where we're going and make a small (mostly funny) slideshow. It doesn't even have to last 5 minutes, but honestly...this presentation is the least of my anxieties in this mess. + +Another thing that I'm going to have to do is share my testimony. That is essentially a summarized version of your life story. I'll have to talk about my troubles, my past, my family, all of it. And these are my friends, they'll know if I'm holding back. But it scares me so much! Half of them don't actually know I have avpd! They just know that I've been going to therapy for a while and that I started taking medicine. Though, the medicine is kind of iffy really. + +Anyways, I'm super anxious about it, especially since I did something similar last year, but that was at the height of my emotional suppression. This time last year, I was so empty and emotionless. But of course, nobody knew. I was always masking my emotions and faking a smile. I didn't even know I was doing it, and when I gave my testimony for last year's mission, it was incomplete and full of holes. I talked about my lack of friends, but I was blind to the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and siblings because I had convinced myself that I was just weak and that my pain was normal and even less than what everyone else had to go through. + +But it's not like that, that's not how I should think about my past pain. It took so long for my friends to break my barriers, but they managed to do that and convince me to go to therapy. + + I'm much better now, but I'm also not suppressing my emotions. It was really hard at first because everything just hurt so much and it overwhelmed me. One moment I was putting on a face to fool everyone into thinking I was okay, but as soon as I was behind closed doors, I was hurting myself and cursing the world for letting my life be the way it was. + +The fact that I have to go and tell my friends how I've been feeling over the last year is overwhelming, but I am not allowed to go on this mission unless I share my testimony. It's only fair though, everyone of us is sharing our testimony, no matter how much it hurts, we're going to be here for each other. + + +If you've actually read this far, I just want to say thank you. You're a special type of person, and whoever is in your life is truly lucky to know someone like you. And if they don't understand that, then know that I am thanking you for the kindness you have done for me just by reading this. Thank you.",Personality disorder +50691,"Am I doomed? I recently got diagnosed with AVPD and I feel completely hopeless. This is me, and I will stay like this my whole life. Am I going to have girlfriends? Am I going to get my dream job? Have a fun life? Travel around the world? Apparently not. Apparently I'm just a guy who will stay in his room for the rest of his life and be perpetually awkward at social gatherings. +I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 60",Personality disorder +50692,"this disorder has stopped me from pushing myself for the better me. Was scrolling on tiktok when I saw my previous school mate 2 years younger than me on my FYP. She's a famous race car driver representing our country all over the world. She now just recently joined an F1 school. I know money and her being a nepo baby (her father was also a race car driver before) helped her achieve big things, but she also wouldn't be where she is right now if she wasn't great. + +I just realized that I'm 2 years older than her and I'm about to repeat my last year of highschool (i dropped out this mid school year because of mental health reasons), and I still don't even know wtf I wanna do in life. + +My best friend is so fckin smart, she's studying right now to be a chemical engineer. My other best friend is also smart, all of his grade averages are 95+ (100 is the highest in my country). + +I'm surrounded by smart, and talented people with a future, people who will make a name for themselves and become rich in the future. People who have already carved their paths. While I'm here barely even making it through the day. I can't even go to school without wanting to off myself, while they're here working their ass off for their future. + +My best friends don't even know I already dropped out of high school. I'm too embarrassed to tell them. How can I tell them? They would be too embarrassed to have a highschool dropout as a friend. What am i even doing with my life? I always avoid things, things that make me feel uncomfy or unsafe. Now look where that got me. Stuck inside the house wasting my life away. I'm gonna be 20 in october, my teen years are finally over. I didn't even get to experience the things that teenagers are ""supposed"" to experience. I can't believe smart people like my friends are friends with someone as pathetic as me.",Personality disorder +50693,"Do you think this a good description of our experiences? This is an excerpt from the introduction of a book called *On The Outside Looking In* by Daniela Grazia, about her experiences with social anxiety. + +I’ve used it to describe my experiences to others, but I have both social anxiety and AvPD so I worry if I’m not explaining from the ‘correct’ side (?). I’m also a psychology student and find it interesting to try to distinguish the two. I suppose it only matters in my head, but it does matter. + +The quote (one long one, formatting issues): +>“It is a feeling that comes over me often, an old menace that stubbornly refuses to die. In classes, in coffee shops, in almost any activity where surrounded by potential friends. It is the profound feeling of alienness. + +>”At any moment in the group conversation, something in me snaps. I look around the table at the other people blissfully talking, and I do not feel like one of them. I am not one of them. I am different, a foreigner, an alien, a stranger in a strange land. + +>”And then the urge to run away, to hide, to be away from the people comes up. Sometimes I fight the urge and stay on, hiding my vast discomfort. Other times I do run away, cursing the cowardice and the shame, miserable in my misanthropy, but secure in my solitude. + +>”There is something in the faces, in the voices of the others that I do not have. They are into the conversation. They live outside themselves, I live inside myself. They talk, listen, and laugh; I think, listen, and smile. + +>”They are relaxed. I am not. I am never relaxed, except when I’m alone. Solitude is the only place where I can ever truly be known. + +>”Yet I am not content with this. For the real me is lonely, desperately lonely, longing for intimacy, friendship and love. I long to be able to relax, to laugh, to talk, and converse amiably with other human beings. But I cannot. I idealize them in private and fear them in public. + +>”Fear...fear drives the haunted mind. Fear tortures me, gnaws at me, and chases me from nearly everything I crave the most. But not even fear can conquer the longing, the desperate longing, the aching striving for meaning in life, for something other than the endless nights alone and unhugged, the dreams unshared, the life unnoticed. + +>”When I am alone, I wish I was other people. When I am with other people, I wish I was alone. This contradiction is slowly, but ruthlessly destroying my soul.”",Personality disorder +50694,"How many people message you in an average day? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11yshfa)",Personality disorder +50695,"Does anyone read book called No More Mr Nice Guy? I've seen it recommended here often, and decide to check it. I'm only in the beginning but this book seems really misogynistic and like American conservative or something. I'm kinda want to dnf it but maybe there are something useful in it? What is your opinion if anyone read it?",Personality disorder +50696,"How can I function with unwanted thoughts that don't go away? I am 22 years old and male. I was diagnosed when I was 18. I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I live with my parents and I am NEET. I did not go to college. I've spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence getting some kind of therapy and/or psychiatric help, but I stopped about a year ago because I realized it was not going to help me. I have very low energy and fleeting motivation, and day to day I can't consistently do the basic tasks of caring for myself and maintaining my living space, in other words, living like an actual adult. The main reason these things are so hard for me is that when I'm doing chores and things where my mind can wander, I keep thinking about things I don't want to think about. I remember in detail the moments when people have insulted me or been cruel to me, or times when I've embarassed myself or made a mistake, for years, and I relive them constantly, and the wounds are continuously reopened and never heal. I often freeze up when these thoughts strike me and sometimes it makes me curse or say things out loud when I know I'm alone. Sometimes these thoughts can be powerful enough to ruin a good mood and ruin my day. It can make completing simple tasks so painful that I avoid them entirely and my quality of life suffers greatly and it affects the people that I live with. I spend almost all of my time constantly trying to distract myself and escape from these thoughts. Can anyone relate? How can I function like this?",Personality disorder +50697,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 1) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z14d3)",Personality disorder +50698,"Resentment Ever hate people because you can't ever be like them? I have this person in my class and she's so perfect, so put together, she makes me jealous. If I'm ever good at something she'll be better.... its like I can never be better than her in anything. I know I sound immature, dumb too but i needed to let this out.",Personality disorder +50699,"Those extrovert specimens who take pride in publicly pointing out that I've been silent throughout the party deserve a special place in hell Congratulations on making this invaluable observation. You have successfully made it even more awkward for me now. + +And these creatures exist in every f***ing party.",Personality disorder +50700,"How common is this for people with AvPD? Sorry, I'll try to keep it relatively short. + +I'm a 31-year-old male and I've never been diagnosed with AvPD, but while reading about the symptoms a month ago, things finally made sense to me why I act a certain way. I thought I just had some kind of social anxiety when I went to therapy several years ago, but I've felt that there has to be something else since I started feeling different in middle school. I've avoided people, responsibilites and have taken jobs where I can mostly avoid interpersonal communication. + +I do still have close friends, a great family and a girlfriend, but I still have this urge to self-isolate and be alone. However, I do try to help people whenever asked and I try to do well at my workplace. Right now, I have an opportunity to work longer at my current job and might even get a promotion 1-3 years along the line in a position that I could basically hold for the rest of my working life. But it would surely involve a lot more responsibilites, speaking another language I don't know too well (I live in a bilingual country, where I speak the minority language) a lot more and of course, a ton more interpersonal communication. I've searched and applied for other jobs recently because my current contract will expire in a few months. I'm much more inclined to take a temp job for 1 and a half year with something I like more and less interpersonal communication than a potential permanent job position. + +It probably sounds crazy for most people if they heard this, but this is genuinely how I feel. I let my feelings of inadequacy and wanting to avoid people control me instead of doing something that could secure my future. Is this at all relatable?",Personality disorder +50701,"Any advice is greatly appreciated I have AvPD and I am too afraid to ask for help. Even if I found the courage to find a therapist, I am a minor so I would also have to tell my parents (that just feels impossible). Do you guys have ideas of small steps I could take so I can work my way up to having the courage to get help? (I struggle with things like ordering food at restaurants so is there anything easier than that?)",Personality disorder +50702,"Finally deactivated Facebook. Where I am from, everybody is on Facebook. That anxiety inducing place, where I never feel safe and I feel hated, invisible and dumb. Lately I've been spiralling and posted sad, angsty posts to people who don't care about me. Thankfully, I got only 60 ""friends"". Facebook made me feel more alone. I'm disabled and I don't go outside and I struggle with texting. I just don't get it. I don't have the energy. I kept deleting my posts, feeling more ashamed. I need it for something that's work related and still ongoing. But enough. I don't care if everyone is there, I rather not feel like a burden and vent on Reddit. Having a profile with my name and face while I am utterly depressed? No thanks. It's not like I made any friends there. I really hope that my issues will be resolved and I won't go back and make a fool outta myself because no one cares.",Personality disorder +50703,"I desperately wish/ want to live alone but physically/financially cant I have always dreamed, goal of mine to get away from my family and all people if I worked hard I could live by myself and never ever have any obligation to speak to another human being so long as I had my ducks in a row both financially and in general (think ordering groceries and just leave it at the door, tip well, go away). I'm getting older and I hate how much I keep needing to interact with people, I don't have anyone in my life other than my parents but even they are on my last tiny nerves... except we've been needing eachothers help a lot. + +They're old and need help, I'm getting older and sometimes need help when im getting sick or life happens. This flop era is turning into a flop lifetime. I'm drained seeing people. + +I just want to wake up 1 day in my own place and hear complete and total silence, never cross paths with another human being, never make eye contact or play the dumb game of ""social interaction"" and just have enough... stuff to get my needs met. Not even an escape I just want to exist solely.",Personality disorder +50704,"Do you also feel this way? I just really came across with this term avoidant personality disorder on Google by searching ""why do I want to be alone and live on my own away from others"" and I clicked on the very first article that came up. I couldn't give much clearer description of myself after reading the article and so I looked it up on reddit and surprisingly a subreddit exists dedicated to this. I desire to be alone and living on my own away from my family and people because I feel inhibited by them. I feel like I'm restricted and couldn't act my true self when I'm with them maybe because I'm afraid of being disliked by them? I'm not really sure and I'm still learning and knowing about myself. + +Am I the only one who feels this way?",Personality disorder +50705,"Once people get to know me they tend to love me... They only problem is they never get to know me, because the only possible way they will is if I am forced to be in a situation with repeated exposure to them, in which case I become familiar and slowly open up over the span of a week or two. It's downright disturbing how many times this has happened in my life, and it's depressing to think that those opportunities are few and far between now that I'm out of the primary environment they occur (school). I was so desperate at one point that, despite having everything people normally strive for (great career, money, success, etc.), I thought about joining the army just to meet people... Holy shit what is wrong with me.",Personality disorder +50706,,Personality disorder +50707,"New to the community/diagnosis Hey all, +I was just diagnosed with AvPD yesterday (along with some other things), and to be honest, I still feel a little shell shocked. I'm still learning more about the diagnoses obviously, but I wanted to ask what tips or lessons the community has for a newbie like me. What do you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed? I've been working on overhauling my brain for a few years, and I want to avoid falling into a trap where I just give up before I can fail (as it is my tendency to do).",Personality disorder +50708,"Dating apps even harder with AvPD Disclaimer: I dislike dating app culture in general. There's a hell of a lot more to a person than a few pictures and prompts. + +\--- + +If I'm not attracted to someone then I won't swipe on them. If I am attracted to someone and there's even one thing on their profile that I lack or don't relate to then I won't swipe on them either. If there's someone I'm attracted to and there's nothing problematic in their profile, I won't swipe on them because I doubt they'll be interested in me. + +In the end this leaves a very very small pool of people which I guess makes the whole thing pointless?",Personality disorder +50709,"My friend expressed that she is disappointed in me. Long story short, I felt tired and anxious and wanted to go home and skip one class. I didn't show up for this class in forever and didn't turn in much work, so she was worried I'd procrastinate like I did in 1 semester and fail. + +When I said I'll probably skip again, she looked at me with so much disappointment, and said ""I really should stop caring about people that much"". + +It didn't register then, but it hits me now how hurt I am from her words. It feels like I'm not doing good enough, and I probably am not. So that day I forced myself to sit through the class and even showed some progress to my professor. But I can't get the look on her face out of my mind. + +To be fair to her, I said I needed to leave in a kinda joking manner because that's my coping mechanism. So maybe she didn't think I felt as horrible as I did and thought i wanted to skip to avoid work.",Personality disorder +50710,"Feeling down lately It was my birthday the other day and it was a bit depressing. I spent it in the house eating a frozen pizza (it was good though lol) I didnt really do anything besides that and eating some cheesecake (also good). I was hurt that nobody wanted to celebrate with me besides my mom + +I dont have many friends besides a few online friends, and lately i feel like they're distancing themselves from me and I deal with rejection sensitivity and along with the avpd I feel like its all eating away at me. When I see my friends talk to eachother or plan things without me, it honestly hurts me and makes me want to cry. My friend says everybody cares and loves me, but in my avpd brain its not true and that they all would be happy if i was out of their lives + +To make this worse, my therapist is moving soon and im scared i wont be able to find another therapist, especially someone as nice and understanding as them. She has helped me with a lot, and im scared i wont be able to find someone as nice and supportive as her. The last time i had a therapist who knew of my avpd, they screamed at me and said i couldnt be helped... + +This is all just making me feel hopelessly depressed and feeling rejected 🫠",Personality disorder +50711,,Personality disorder +50712,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +50713,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 3) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z17zj)",Personality disorder +50714,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 2) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z16lg)",Personality disorder +50715,"Is freezing during a conversation an AvPD symptom? Hi all! I'm new to this subreddit, I was recently diagnosed with AvPD. I'm trying to understand it and come to terms with it. + +The thing is, I don't have social anxiety in terms of not wanting to spend time with people at all... when it's about folks I know, like my colleagues and friends, I'm even more-than-average social. + +However, I do notice that I'm... slow in social interactions. I mean that someone will say something and my brain shuts down and I can't answer properly in the moment. Or I can't hear someone properly but I'm too afraid to ask them to repeat themselves (?!) so I just kinda freeze and/or act as if I heard what they said and the conversation goes on. Then later I think of a ""correct"" reaction and can't for my life understand why I shut down during the convo and couldn't just think of this reaction then. + +This happens with friends too, although it's more common with folks I'm not that comfortable with. Is this an AvPD thing or just a ""me thing""? + +TL;DR Is shutting down during conversations and only thinking of a proper reaction later an AvPD thing?",Personality disorder +50716,"“You’re still single man? What’s a young, good looking guy like you doing wrong?” My brain is broken. I’m incapable of creating and maintaining close relationships, either out of some awkward self-consciousness or fear. That’s pretty much all there is to it. + +The fact that I seem pretty normal/smart/athletic on the outside only makes things worse. People have expectations for me socially and I obviously don’t meet them. So what’s their conclusion? He’s weird, something must be off about that guy. How can he have all this stuff but be so strange. + +They’ll never understand I just want to experience life like they do, lol. I’m forever the empath that can’t make a life with other people.",Personality disorder +50717,"My future feels so hopeless. I'm 28 years old, my resume is useless, haven't worked in 2 years, and I am very avoidant of the world Hi there. I have been depressed since I was 12 years old. I am now 28. I also struggle with BPD, social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder, afraid to leave the house by myself, reliant on my 66 year old mother to pay my medical insurance, and my husband is working full time barely keeping us afloat. I have tried and tried to work. Several different fields. Even part time. It always ended up in burn out and felt more depressed and anxious so I had to quit. I am worried, I feel my future is really hopeless. I love my husband so much. We wanted to have a family and it's feeling like that won't happen because of my mental health and the low money thing. I am afraid he will abandon me because of all this though deep down really don't feel like he will because he has been here through everything. + +I know that is so much. That is definitely something to be grateful for. But we fight a good bit because we're both so stressed out. + +Nothing really brings me happiness except substances, (and that leads to bad feelings when it wears off or sometimes when on them) and I've been mostly sober for a year. + +I see a therapist. I take medications. I just... I am not content in life. I am constantly worried about everything. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and my husband deserves someone more stable that he doesn't essentially have to be a caregiver to at times. I stay in bed about 70% of my days because I feel like things are so hard to do and feel so pointless. + +I don't have many friends and live in a small town, so there aren't any meetup groups or anything. And since I don't work and am not in school, no opportunities to make many friends. I do have one so I can try to branch out with her friends maybe. It feels like life is just about working. And I feel so depressed by the state of everything, and by my worries that things won't improve in the future. + +Things don't get better. Not if you don't work for them. And I have worked, I've tried so many treatments, but the one thing I rarely do is go out in the world. + +And I don't know if I can do that without a lot of help that I don't know if I can find. + +Please if you can relate at all, or have any advice, please please respond. <3 I'm desperate.",Personality disorder +50718,"What are your waking habits like? I try to be an early bird and probably feel a bit more human when I am but it's definitely more natural for me to be awake in the early hours of the morning and wake up later in the day. + +Thought it was worth asking to see whether most are night owls in an attempt to avoid life? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11y8hsd)",Personality disorder +50719,"I suspect myself of having AvPD I am turning 17 in a month and a half and I suspect myself of having AvPD, I am trying to do more research on the disorder, I am not going to self diagnose, but I am hoping people who are diagnosed can tell me more about the traits and what its like having AvPD.",Personality disorder +50720,"Inner monologue is brutal One problem I have with criticism, and people offering it, is that I've heard it already. A lot. From myself. I think the worst things about myself to myself constantly. + +The other night, I told myself that I'm nothing more than potential. The reason I'm lonely is because no one wants to wait around for me to finally decide to be a reality. Im walking-empty promises. That encompasses a lot. So when someone wants to ""tell me about myself"", it feels like a rerun. And they hate that. Hate that they can't get their issue off, or add their redundant nugget of truth. + +Idk if that's part of avpd. And its coming off as arrogant. It's not the critiscm itself. I don't mind. More fuel for the fire. It's the attitude that erupts in response to me being unphased. I always feel like I'm preparing myself for the worst possible things so I'm not as affected when they happen. Being one step ahead of anyone trying to hurt me. + +Sorry if this has been discussed. I'm in and out a lot.",Personality disorder +50721,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +50722,"Why do I keep letting friends go It's not like it's hard for me to make friends, but keeping them seems almost impossible. I inevitably just stop messaging because it feels too difficult. I hate that I'm like this because I desperately do need connection, but I can never hold onto something once it's there.",Personality disorder +50723,"reading through this sub feeling like i fit in for the first time in my life i’ve spent so much of my life feeling like a complete freak who doesn’t fit in anywhere, it’s made me avoid social situations and relationships because i’m so terrified of someone realising i’m not normal and hating me for it - then in turn missing out on those experiances & relationships just makes me feel even more like an outcast who shouldn’t exist + +i’ve tried on so many hats for why i feel like this (social anxiety, autism, cptsd, etc etc) but they never fit right and i just feel so much more shame. then i stumbled on an infographic about personality disorders, looked up this sub and everything written here felt so familiar. so much of my anxiety came from feeling like i was alone in my experiences so it’s so comforting knowing all of you are here and exist somewhere in the world. + +i just wanted to say thank you all 💛",Personality disorder +50724,Why is AVPD considered a personality disorder and not a mental illness? So from what i have read seems like AVPD is the only pure ego-dystonic personality disorder and usually personality disorders are seen as a flaw in someone's personality and are ego-syntonic in nature but in the case of AVPD seems like no one likes to have this condition. So why isn't AVPD considered a mental illness because the symptoms of someone with AVPD seems to match up with different things like social anxiety and extreme low self esteem? Like the symptoms are basically the same in a lot of ways.,Personality disorder +50725,"I hate myself so much I met this guy on vacation, and we hung out for two days at the pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I'd known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like ""oh look your boyfriend's here"". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. I was bullied at school for being the quiet kid in class, and I would run to my parents, hoping they'd comfort me. But they'd get mad at me for being so quiet and they'd blame me too. I used to go up to my room at night and sing myself to sleep ""someday, my prince will come"". Now he was finally here. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got mad at our friends for telling me. + +He cut off contact with with me. I was so sad that the one person who saw me for the good I have to offer, still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I’m not angry at him for being loyal. I’m angry at him for thrusting me into this situation. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, but I was the one that suffered the greatest. He got to choose between two girls. His girlfriend is a victim too, but at least he tried to make things okay with her. And me? I had no intention of getting in the way of a relationship. I just thought I finally fell in love.",Personality disorder +50726,"Appearance and AvPD It seems superficial almost but my severe acne is contributing a lot to my avoidant tendencies right now. I'm doing everything in my power to treat it: dermatologist, prescription acne cream, antibiotics, clean bedding, clean diet, daily showers, face wash etc. It just seems to get worse every day and it is some of the worst I've seen. I'm talking big red cysts. At this point I'm convinced my lithium is causing it. + +I was making decent progress too. I was going to groups and started volunteering to get out of my house and around people again. I'm trying to work up to going back to work. But I just can't bring myself to keep volunteering looking like this. If I go out of my comfort zone while constantly concerned about how I look and feeling gross I feel as though I'm doomed to fail. If my mental state begins to slip it triggers my hyperhidrosis and then I pretty much have to bail. + +I'm kind of just stuck in a period of regression after making some strides. I don't know what to do it just feels hopeless. Between severe cystic acne and hyperhidrosis it is so fucking difficult to put myself into social situations. It's much safer to just hide away and wait it out but each day that passes is another day I've lost.",Personality disorder +50727,"Respond to my text immediately or I'll think I said something wrong I never let the ppl I talk to know this. That would just be manipulative and rude, but even if we been texting for years, good friends, and have been in a nonstop convo the past 5 hours, my heart still races when they take longer than usual to respond. I think oh fuck, I said something wrong. I always say something wrong. I can't ever say anything right. I'm such a- + +Then they'll reply. I chide myself for being so silly. Then do the same thing 40 more times within the same conversation. You'd think being proven wrong so many times would fix it, but no. I always think, ""Ah, *this* is the time I fucked up. All the others were false alarms, but I've really done it now."" Rinse repeat.",Personality disorder +50728,I can't pretend anymore. I can't market myself anymore. I can't pretend that I have more going for me than I do. I just can't.,Personality disorder +50729,"The worst part is the lack of hope I’m always gonna be like this. Even with years of therapy and meds, even while on copious amounts of confidence enhancing and anxiety reducing drugs, I’m still too socially anxious and awkward. Sure I can force myself to socialise but I can’t force myself to enjoy it, or force myself to relax and just be myself. The fact that this shit isn’t getting any better no matter what I try is so demoralising, it makes everything else pointless, having severe avpd/social anxiety really does infect every little area of your life. I can’t hold a job, I can’t make friends, I haven’t talked to a girl in years, never mind having a relationship. My anxiety is so bad I get second hand anxiety watching people interact on a tv screen, or hearing others use voice chat in video games. + +And as I said, sure I could force myself to ‘get out there’ and maybe make friends or a gf, but I can’t force myself to enjoy being around them. I’d be constantly stressed out, tense, unable to relax. I’d have nothing in common with them, I only ever feel comfortable alone. Living with a brain like this is like torture, craving connections and feeling horribly lonely but being unable to actually make any connections or function in a social situation. I’m technically an adult but I have no independence, I still feel like a child, and I know for a fact that if I keep on going my future is nothing but boring, bleak and lonely. What’s the point of going to an awful, stressful job everyday if my days off are just as bad. My ‘hobbies’ are just escapism, I don’t even enjoy anything anymore, I’m just so tired, I really don’t see the point in going on when my brain is this fucked up and my future is inevitably empty and alone. I’m barely in my 20s but I’m certain I won’t make it to 30, it’s so crazy how fucked up i am, avpd is so awful, it robs you of a basic human need but still leaves you with the desire for it. A longing hunger that can never be sated, the empty void inside my only gets bigger, things are only getting worse. No heartbreak or feeling of loss, nothing to even look back on, there’s just nothing. There has always been nothing, my life is empty and always will be",Personality disorder +50730,"This is a bit of a weird question, but does anyone else relate a lot to these anime titles? (Mushishi, Kino's Journey etc) I've always wondered if this is something AvPD adjacent. + +* Mushishi + +* Kino's Journey + +* Spice and wolf + +* Girl's last tour + +* Serial Experiments Lain + +They are not really related in any genre way but all feature some sort of disconnect with the MCs and the rest of the world. It's like you're just traveling through it and never really putting down roots but instead just observing for a while and then moving on, they all sort of have this somber undertone that you're not really a part of the world and just experiencing small parts of it. + +Most of them feature a pair traveling together which makes it feel less lonely but Mushishi only has the MC and that's the one that feels closest to AvPD in a weird way in my mind. + +Does this make sense?",Personality disorder +50731,"All I am is a useless burden I volunteer at a place that I like to help out at despite my debilitating anxiety because I like helping people (plus It’ll help me gain credit for my future job) but for a few days I didn’t show up due to sickness. Now i’m supposed to text them when I don’t show up, my manager? boss? made that very clear. She even gave me her personal email to text because she understood that I absolutely couldn’t take phone calls due to anxiety. Now I may or may not have just skipped that part as I’d hate to bother them with a text plus it’s embarrassing. So basically my school counselor (who is in contact with my manager) comes up to me and tells me that my manager was very upset and direct that I can’t keep not notifying them when I can’t go and I have one last chance or she’d rather have me not help out at all. This of course (I soooo badly wanna say traumatized, because it feels that way but i’ve experienced trauma before to know that this experience wasn’t actually traumatic) really hurt me. All I wanted to do was help. I just wanted to be useful to someone for once and all I did was end up being a burden. I hate myself for this i’m scared to even go in again. If I can’t even hold a volenteer position, i’m sure as hell aren’t ever going to be able to get a real job when I get older. I fucking hate this disease, it’s taking my life away.",Personality disorder +50732,"Just venting Wanna preface this by saying that I'm not diagnosed nor do I self-diagnose. It's just that I can relate to some of the symptoms and people here, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings. + +I feel insane sometimes. I feel really neurotic, paranoid, insecure, and immature sometimes. When I don't think about memories or people that upset me, I'm fine. These past few months I've been slowly recovering from this horrible depression that's plagued me for a while, but in these past few days it's been returning as I start thinking about these bad memories again. + +I feel traumatized and like I'm a victim of something I can't understand. Like I'm alone in this pain. The thing is that my ""trauma"" is really just a dozen or so bad interactions I had in my old circle of friends. In particular, there was this one person who I had a handful of unpleasant interactions with. These were mostly brief exchanges that shouldn't have affected me as much as they did, but they felt really, sincerely resentful and unwarranted. What did I do? I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and nobody did for me. + +This person lashed out at me, calling me insecure and afraid a couple of times, and said some horrible things about people with my disability. They're ableist and, honestly, that group as a whole was too. Not out of malicious intent but ignorance. + +This person wasn't wrong, but the way they treated me didn't help. Seeing those criticisms mirrored by others a couple of times made me feel even more weak, because I knew I was being talked about behind my back. And when I did eventually see how this person talked about me behind my back, it felt nasty and unwarranted. + +Still though, it feels so fucking stupid man. I don't know why I let this hurt me. It's been months since I stopped talking to those friends, a few years since those bad exchanges occured, and it still affects me. I never met a person who exhibited such resentment for me in my life, seemingly for no justifiable reason. It really hurt my self-esteem and it still does. + +When I think about those friends for too long I start to say things like ""I wanna die"" to myself, like a tic. It's so stupid and I feel like a horrible person for this. For feeling such disproportionate hurt over a dozen or so bad memories. When I don't think about this stuff I begin to feel more ""normal"" again though. + +Sorry that this is so long but I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. If not, sorry for wasting your time. I hope this isn't considered off-topic since I'm undiagnosed. But yeah, I feel really pathetic about this side of myself. Maybe I'm just highly neurotic, I don't know. I just wish I could understand what's wrong with me.",Personality disorder +50733,Boudoir sexytime dynamics Do you prefer your sexual partner to be a dom(me)? Please elaborate.,Personality disorder +50734,"Talked to a friend for the first time in over a month ... Like an actual phone call conversation. It felt really good! + +Sending good vibes to everyone here in this subreddit 🤗",Personality disorder +50735,Everything has an End I often fantasize comitting suicide.. its bad but I feel this is only way out. All my life since I was a little I've been incredibly distressed and downtrodden and broken inside. Been longing for a break from all the misery but it has never occurred. The only thing that's keeping me a little hopeful is telling myself that everything has an End. What I experience has an end whether My life will improve or simply just Die. Either way I welcome it.,Personality disorder +50736,"Does anyone find it so hard to get over a comment/criticism to the point they feel suicidal? Trigger warning. Mention of Eating disorders and suicide. + +A month ago my brother was talking about how he just turned 30. He was saying how he didn’t look 30 and he pointed to me and said “he looks older than me”. I’m 24. It felt like a stab in my heart. Ever since I’ve barely left the house. I wasn’t trying to date before that but now I’m not even going to try. I feel suicidal now and I don’t feel like life’s worth living. I’m old looking for my age so I should just give up. That comment is running through my mind 24/7. It’s torture. I feel so embarrassed. +If my brother knew what that comment did to me, it would suck. I’m so angry but hurts. It’s not really his fault how I feel but why did he say that. I’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life. I get anxious seeing my brother because I’m scared of what he will say. Everything reminds me of that comment. I have barely been eating. It just reminded me why I shouldn’t leave the house because other people will think the same. + +It feels like such a stupid reason to be suicidal over but it’s taking every bit of my energy not to do it everyday. How am I meant to go through life if a silly comment like that has gotten me like this. How do I get over it? I’m not strong enough to go through life.",Personality disorder +50737,"I don't know if I truly deserve to get better. I don't feel like putting in the work anymore. + +I know some of you will say ""no one will save you, you have to save yourself"". + +But that's just not true. I have saved three people I called friends before from terrible, terrible things. + +But I don't know if anyone will want to save me. + +I don't have any energy within myself to give out anymore. + +I don't have any resources, material or otherwise, to give anymore. + +In short... I don't think I'm profitable enough to be helped anymore. + +I'd lose you more money than I'd make you.",Personality disorder +50738,Link to AvPd Podcasts https://open.spotify.com/show/5WI3mYjRpKXQJHjt0W12e9,Personality disorder +50739,Anyone here in nyc I'm a black male an have ocd I don't leave the house at all an can't function I made terrible mistakes doing things that are low class.,Personality disorder +50740,"More Clarity, Insight, & Awareness An article I wanted to share with you all to read. Thought it might bring more awareness for yall, especially for the ones who are unofficially diagnosed and highly suspect they may have it. Although I have enough clarity to know I have it (undiagnosed), this is hands down the best breakdown and description of each possible symptoms that come with it. Never heard it like this before. It's not like your typical DSM-5 avpd symptoms that are more generalized and broad. This is more in depth and even more eye opening since I resonate so much with all of them. I'm so bored, just wanted to share something. Here's the link to it 👇🏽 + +https://avoidants.org/symptoms-of-avoidant-personality-2/",Personality disorder +50741,"Seeing some progress but feeling stuck. Hi, + +24-year-old male with AVPD here. For some time I have noticed that contacts with other people (in my case only at work) began to bring me pleasure. I've also become more relaxed and when I'm around people I don't worry as much about how they react to what I say. At the same time, a desire for more close relationhips arosed in me. This desire applies both to finding a partner and friends. I just want, as real as never before in my life, a simple conversation with another person and intimacy. + +However, I don't know how to achieve this. I've finished my education and I don't have any social hobbies (the gym can be considered as such, but I still can't find a way to start naturally a conversation with other people there). I'm starting to get annoyed with this situation, because certainly something has changed in my attiude and I truly want to form some relationships outside of my work environment. I think I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone step by step, but I don't know how to do it. + +One way to do it is to start dating. Finding a partner is something that I want very strongly and I think love is something I'm capable of. The thing that's holding me back from making that move though (other than, well... the lack of photos to use on dating apps) is knowing that I'll be too much of a burden for her not having other relationships. Perhaps there is also an element of shame in not having any friends. I am not sure… + +Have any of you reached such a point on your journey to ""normality""? I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing everything and if I shouldn't just do what I feel regardless of my doubts. In my case, finding friends seems to be something more distant at the moment and I don't know how I could achieve it. However, I will be grateful for every piece od advice!",Personality disorder +50742,"Anyone else lie as a child? Not sure if it’s an AVPD thing, but growing up I told a string of lies to all of my (very few) friends. It weighs on me almost daily. Some were *really* horrible, like going blind by 30 or refusing to help my cousin during an overdose as a child. Of course that’s not real. I can’t believe I said those things to people, but it felt like the only way at the time. + +Through a lot of reflection, I realized that I expected rejection and wanted to control it. I wanted to make them see me as a bad person, because I didn’t deserve them. But nothing in my life (that I understood at the time) was damaging enough to cause these problems. My family taught to me early on that if you’re not doing hard drugs or jumping off the bridge, it’s not a valid mental health condition. I didn’t think I had any reason to have the problems I did, so I had to give people ‘fake reasons’ to make them believe it, because my parents told me that’s the only way. + +Also somewhat of a test, like if they stay for this horrible person I’m pretending to be, they’ll surely stick around for who I actually am if that’s better. And it’s not hard to be better than that, given the severity of the lies I told. If they leave, then I’ll have been in control of the rejection. And they’re not reacting to the ‘true me’ anyway so the judgement doesn’t hurt as badly. Avoiding the spotlight by pretending to be another person.",Personality disorder +50743,"My mom has Avoidant and dependent personality disorder and I don't know what to do. My mom is a very caring and emotional person and she's never been mean or rude in any way. However, she never believes me when I say that to her. She's struggling with loving herself and believes that no one loves her and can help her. And because of that she has resorted to drinking. +Because of her disorders, she constantly bullies herself every day on everything she does and thinks she's the worst person alive. She's very sensitive too, so one little thing can ruin her day and cause her to drink. + +My parents are separated but they’re both on good terms and still talk. +On top of that, I’m struggling with myself too and I think I’m stressing her out. I'm only 14 so what can I do to help her? She tried many antidepressants and other treatments but said that none works. Compliments doesn’t work either since she never believes me. +I always worry she's going to do something bad to herself one day.",Personality disorder +50744,"AvPD diagnosed recently Hey all, I was diagnosed with AvPD quite recently (and finally I guess) after all those years spent in confusion what is wrong with me. I finally got an appointment at psychologist, we were doing for the first few hours screening process, turned out I do have AvPD and I met all necessary criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. Also he mentioned that I do have some symptoms of schizophrenia and narcissistic personality. But after I read his diagnosis this evening, he wrote that I have ‘Other personality disorder’. Which idk how I feel about that. Like I do not belong to anything even in this. And when I started to talk to him about feeling really depressed, and about my suicidal thoughts earlier today, he just said that we will talk about it next time, in a two weeks. And I am so confused about this, like no one really care, especially with the suicidal thoughts. And feeling I do have no one to talk. Or maybe I don’t want to? I don’t know. But this is making me super super lonely and more depressed. No one really cares..",Personality disorder +50745,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkyz3)",Personality disorder +50746,,Personality disorder +50747,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned (in a western country) and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wl0eu)",Personality disorder +50748,"Anyone here feel like they have to be explicitly told what the social dynamics are? I feel like I've had to manually learn this from YouTube, Psychology books, Sociology books, etc. rather than just innately know it.",Personality disorder +50749,,Personality disorder +50750,"Completely shut down when I know something uncomfortable is coming up I have a few university exams coming up that I'm not comfortable with taking and have no confidence of doing well in. I don't want to do them and the thought of preparing for them is absolutely exhausting, partly because I feel like I have a lot to learn and even starting is hard. I just can't face it. + +So with that in mind, I'm just avoiding my life and throwing myself into relentless scrolling on the likes of reddit and watching YouTube videos and basically becoming a robot. I'll probably cram in a load of information and ruin my sleep in the build up to the exam after wasting all this time. + +I don't know if it's a defence mechanism preparing for failure or what but it's fucking debilitating and I'm tired of it.",Personality disorder +50751,"Being a toxic person to others and wishing they didn’t have to deal w/ you because of it I completely shut off due to my anxiety and depression. It’s hard to not avoid avoid avoid and feel like a burden especially when you have people you love and know care about you. My heart and mind conflict so much because I’m so sensitive and I’ve just built a wall after years of negative feelings and rejections but my heart wants the exact opposite. And I get so lonely dealing with depression alone wondering why do I have to deal with this all the time, but it hurts the most to be going through it and hurt the people you really love, like I don’t want to be a burden anymore but it’s easy to feed the demons that are telling you to avoid avoid avoid and the fear. I know other people are going through things too and I’m not good enough to even be there for them.",Personality disorder +50752,Focusing on a positive Someone called me cute this morning and now I'm having ice cream for breakfast. I hope this vibe sticks for the rest of the day. Just wanted to share this in hopes that it makes someone smile.,Personality disorder +50753,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkz3v)",Personality disorder +50754,"Do you think he might be abusive? As someone with AVPD, I don't date much, and I just want someone who will be loyal to me. It's very clear that he's attracted to me. I'm attracted to him too, but everyone says that I'm way too pretty for him. About two weeks into us knowing each other, he shared a really intimate story of a traumatic experience that happened to him. He’s a empathetic person that cares for other people, but he gets angry over minor things. I'm 95% sure he's gone to therapy, because even though he will explode at the most random times, there'll be other times when he's really good at conflict resolution. + +Before we dated, I invited him to my birthday party. Supposedly, a few weeks before, he was flirting with me, but I didn’t pick up on it. So when I invited him, it confused him. He thought I was giving him mixed signals. On his Twitter (that I don’t follow), he was saying stuff like “playing with people’s feelings is bad” and “disloyal people annoy me”. The next several weeks, he gave me the cold shoulder and really did not want to talk to me. + +He’ll also roll his eyes or grunt over relatively things that really aren’t a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if the thing that I did even warranted a sigh or eye roll. I’m just wondering, if I got into a relationship with him, would it get worse? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wb7hk)",Personality disorder +50755,"i'm starting to realize that i'll probably never be able to truely connect with anyone i guess i have multiple friends, but i've only ever thought of 2 of them as ""close friends."" the rest i don't really talk to a lot. but i try so hard to connect with them and get closer to them, but it just feels weird and forced and i can clearly tell that it's unreciprocated. it just makes me want to give up. + +and now i'm starting to realize that with even one of my closest friends, we may not even actually be as close as i thought we were. we rarely if ever talk and when we do it's usually just short convos or in a group chat, and i'm always the one that has to initiate conversations. i think i'm lucky if i ever get to have one genuine conversation with them once a month. it just kinda hurts to think about i guess. + +why can't i connect with people? why is it so difficult? all of my life i've avoided people and just wanted to do my own thing and the moment i try building meaningful connections with people they all fail.",Personality disorder +50756,"Who is my first love? Have I fallen in love yet? As someone with AVPD, I have trouble connecting with people. I know I'm smart, and attractive, and I care for people, but it's my lack of social skills that make it hard for people to see the real me. I've had two guys like me back in the past few years. Which one of them would be considered my ""first love""? + +The first guy ""Dave"" I met when I was 19 on vacation. He and I would just talk at the pool about politics and education (even though he was kind of a party guy, he has a nerdy side). We only hung out for two days, but after our first day hanging out, the second day, he was really shy talking to me. But our romance was cut short because he had a girlfriend, and made the mistake of spilling the beans about his crush on me to other kids at the resort. He cut off contact with me, but when they broke up a month later, he started looking at my social media a lot. Not to mention, he made a playlist about me for my birthday. We don't even talk, so I don't know if this is some sort of peace offering or apology. + +The second guy ""Steve"" I met a year later, at my job. He and I bonded on the first day of work about growing up in the same hometown, and I told my mom that day about how we bonded over our ""parallel lives"". We worked together for a little over a year. And we never went out or anything, but he would hit on me a lot. But stupid me was either too dense to realize he was flirting or too surprised in the moment to say any good flirting lines back. But a customer asked me for my number one day, and I gave it to him. I guess I kind of wanted to motivate my crush to ask me out, but literally the week after, he went out with his sister's friend (the sister set them up), but they broke up and he likes me. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wpn90)",Personality disorder +50757,,Personality disorder +50758,"Fuck it I'm starting benzos on Tuesday. My brother had shit withdrawals from them and almost died, but according to him, you don't give a shit on them and actually function like a normal, non-mentally-ill person.",Personality disorder +50759,,Personality disorder +50760,"Briggs personality type and connection with AvPD I Heard that these two personality types might be more likely to develop AvPD. i would like to see If its plausible. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11vt0gx)",Personality disorder +50761,"Out with friends for the first time in a long time.. can’t leave.. Went out with an old friend for her birthday in a city two hours away from where I live. + +Things were going well but I’m getting the feeling I annoyed everyone and no one wants to hear my voice anymore. I can’t excuse myself and go home, and I also feel rude saying I’m going to bed first. I’m the only single person here, and there’s so many years of bonding and inside jokes I’ve missed out on. + +You know when at the beginning of the night everyone seems happy to see you and laughs at your comments (if you’re your lucky), but then everyone slowly stops replying to you and distancing themselves from you as the night goes on. I also got overstimulated and frustrated very briefly (not at anyone in particular) but now I just feel like I overstayer my welcome. + +I’m stuck here until tomorrow morning when we go home, and I have no one to talk to because this girl I came with is my only friend. I feel like shrinking and making everyone forget I was ever here.",Personality disorder +50762,I'm not the friend people want. I'm not great at connecting with people. I understand social cues but I guess people find me weird or whatever. I will be there for people but they will say things like they feel like they have nobdoy to talk to and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them or the the type of friend they had in mind. It sucks but what can you do?,Personality disorder +50763,,Personality disorder +50764,Do you think AVPD makes you more tired? I thought it was depression but maybe the nonstop hypervigilance is really the one doing it. Does anything help?,Personality disorder +50765,DAE talk too much about themselves / overshare for no reason Usually I am a secretive person but if I start talking about myself I almost always go into unneccessary details.,Personality disorder +50766,"I’m mostly so avoidant due to being ashamed of my appearance, and feeling like I don’t belong. Anyone else feel the same way? I’m a below average looking guy, and I just want to be normal looking. I feel like my AVPD has gotten worse over time because I am just too ugly for life.",Personality disorder +50767,"suffering from AvPD as an ugly guy is like a cruel joke sometimes I can't believe i'm in this situation lol, it's like a nightmare. You know nothing is gonna change even if you cure this sickness, because you are ugly and getting excluded is a natural procces for you. + +Edit: Posting something like this was a miskate. Looks like when you are an ugly man you can't talk about your problems, and when you do people tell you its all your fault and you have a shitty personality (you cannot say the opposite otherwise you will get downvoted to the bottom). Thanks to our helpful users here, today i learned i'm a sexist schizophrenic guy who has some personality issues and treats other people like shit(even tho they dont talk to me for more than 10 seconds).",Personality disorder +50768,,Personality disorder +50769,"Does anybody else feel like they know their symptoms understand how their brains though process work, but still feel hopeless at getting rid of AvPD Im a very introspective person I always observe my actions and thoughts and how I interact with other people, i can see I’ve got a negative feedback loop with SAD, AvPD and autism traits which destroys my self esteem which means I always have bad intentions and conversations with people, but im just so confused and leaves me feeling hopeless as i have no idea how to change",Personality disorder +50770,"Making changes in a terrible depression Tw lightly suicidal + +This week I have to begin fixing my life. I don’t have a choice in the matter. I will need to see a new psychiatrist, and a new therapist. I need to get a job, I need to eat. I have so much to do to fix myself before I can even start with the basics of life. And worst of all, I have to be honest to heal. I’m not even honest with myself. I just smile and nod to everyone. No one takes me seriously, because I’m always laughing and joking. I can’t turn it off. Like when your parents say ‘keep making that face and it’ll stick that way forever,’ I got my face stuck in a clown mask. + +I feel like a shriveled, dehydrated soul. Like a sewer rat crawling out of the soggy drain. I’m horrifically depressed, the worst of my life. And honestly the effort just doesn’t feel worth it. I’d really rather just rot and die. I’m so terrified of all this, I’d prefer to die. But I couldn’t make that choice either. I am trapped on all sides.",Personality disorder +50771,"I recovered from AvPD. What will help others? I don’t believe in matters of mental health ever truly being 100% cured. + +Even though I still have some AvPD traits that I’m still working on, my therapist says I certainly no longer meet the diagnosis of AvPD. + +I’ve gone from being a textbook AvPD with such bad social anxiety I barely left the house an could barely order a cheeseburger. +All through school people called me “socially retarded” and my mom thought I was autistic. +To now being a very socially skilled, confident, outgoing person who makes friends easily. + +I’m curious if people are interested in some kind of a write up about how I’ve recovered from my AvPD, what helped me, how long it can take etc? + +I see a lot of people struggling and feeling hopeless on this board. +It breaks my heart when I see people truly believe that recovery is impossible (and spreading that false message). It is possible! It’s just really hard, uncomfortable, takes a lot of time and you have to really want it. + +Thoughts on whether a write up is something people would be receptive of? I’m also open to suggestions of what else could help. + +P.S. I feel vulnerable writing this post in fear that people will have an angry, skeptical reaction or think I’m being narcissistic. But I wanted to take the risk and reach out anyway, because I’m super passionate about recovery and I’d love to see the negative narrative about AvPD recovery start to change.",Personality disorder +50772,"I look like how I want to. So, this is actually something really positive for me, even if it isn't considered the best thing in everyone's minds. + +I was going to the bathroom, and I was wearing a really baggy hoodie with pants that are way too big for me these days. The pants used to fit me just fine, but I've lost so much weight that I have to tie them around my waist or they'll just fall off. + +Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I saw myself in the mirror when I walked in, and I couldn't help but think that I look exactly how I want to look. I love how comfy clothes look, my hair is long and messy, and I guess I'm in a good enough state of mind to see myself as cute when my hair covers my face like it did. I am embarrassed that as a guy, I like feeling cute, but I think it's great and I've been told that it actually makes me more attractive. + +But when I was admiring myself in the mirror, I lifted up my hoodie (no I don't wear a shirt underneath my hoodies, the temperature much too hot for that as I can barely wear this hoodie) and I saw that my waist was super skinny. Of course, I don't eat much, and I still function fine, so I guess that's okay. + +What I'm getting at is, I was able to look at myself in the mirror today, and I liked what I saw, and people can think what they want, I look exactly how I want to look today, and I love that. + +Things have really been getting better for me, and though there's still plenty of low points, I can easily see my condition is getting better. I hope everyone else is doing okay, and I hope that by sharing this I can bring some hope to anyone else who has been struggling with this pd. Thank y'all if you read this far, and I hope you're doing well.",Personality disorder +50773,"People telling me to calm down instead of understanding my pain DAE experience this? No one takes me seriously when I say that stuff that's happened to me has negatively affected my mental health. I'm basically told to calm down/ stop worrying, even if it's really affected me. Basically just a refusal to accept and acknowledge that I've been hurt. + +I think is partly why I have avpd to start with. I guess this could be classed as some form of emotional neglect, not having my feelings validated or taken seriously to the point where I've had to deal with my trauma by myself.",Personality disorder +50774,"Addicted to cam girls Anyone else here addicted to cam girls online, talking to them anonymously because you don't have anyone in real life? +hard to stop when what you need is a real girlfriend",Personality disorder +50775,"Has therapy ever worked for you I’ve tried counselling and schema therapy but it always ended the same way as i realise talking doesn’t solve deep mental issues, but I’ve seen cbt and dbt therapys and wounded if anybody has any experiences with it and was it beneficial.",Personality disorder +50776,"Taking 24 hours or days to respond to texts? Hello lovely community, + +I’m reading a lot about this, mainly to understand the guy I’m dating better who has AVPD! + +My lovely community, please help me understand why it takes often over 24 hours to respond to a text from your loved ones? + +Is there specific content that triggers you to avoid replying I.e expression of feelings? Yet I hear that the AVPD community does enjoy getting reassurance. + +Sometimes it makes me feel like there’s a lack of interest but I often end up getting a reply after all- just days late . But it’s confusing to determine wether you are disinterested or just afraid to answer. + +Love to hear your thoughts/experiences",Personality disorder +50777,"Nobody in my life has ever truly known me. I put up so many masks around everybody. I show some parts of myself to some people, and other parts to other people. And some parts I never show anybody and probably never will. Nobody in my life has ever truly known me, they only know the person I’ve shown them. It’s exhausting, but it’s basically second nature at this point and I literally don’t know how to be anything else. I find myself telling so many little lies even about the most mundane things about myself and I don’t even mean to do it on purpose. My opinions are always what I think the other person wants to hear. Every word I say and everything I show on the surface is always a watered down version of what I truly want to say and feel. Even when I’m just in the car with someone I only play music I think they would like or what I want them to think I listen to. Most of the time I don’t even know what parts of myself are true or not. I’m like a puzzle made up of completely different pieces that don’t fit together. It’s all just so fucked. I don’t know how to fix this. I wish there was someone who could see through all these masks and help bring out who I actually am, but I don’t even know if that’s possible at this point.",Personality disorder +50778,"I can't imagine what friendship would look like in my life I'm in my 40s now. The last time I had friends was in school. I'm not sure we would have been friends if the we hadn't been in the same environment day after day. Actually I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been. My friends mostly were other people who didn't have other friends, i.e. other outsiders. + +We'd meet to play computer games, or sometimes (rarely) go swimming. But we never really talked about personal stuff. I'm not even sure this counts as friendship? + +Anyway...so I've been without that kind of social connection for a long time now. Too busy struggling with education and work and health and life in general to engage in hobbies. + +I think I really have no idea what friendship is apart from seeing it on TV or remembering childhood friends. Is it more than spending time together and watching TV or engaging in hobbies together? Am I even capable of friendship? + +Consequently, friendship isn't something I've been looking for. Maybe if I knew what I'm missing out on, I would? + +I'm about to embark on a psychotherapy journey again, and I feel unprepared. What do I even want?",Personality disorder +50779,"Anyone else have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings? I used to be quite eloquent when I was younger, despite not talking to anyone. I always had the right word or description for what I intended to say. If only I wasn’t an asshole and actually practiced conversation.. + +Not sure where it all started to escape me. Could be when my mental health went downhill, or when I got off my meds, or when I got high almost every day for a year. But nowadays it’s not uncommon for me to struggle to write simple sentences. Sending an email or text takes me way longer than it should. + +It really interferes when I’m trying to talk with others. So often I feel like I know what I want to say but the words are just out of reach, and instead of adding to the conversation I’m just like “yeah.. uuuh I feel you”",Personality disorder +50780,"I want to curl up into my bed and never leave This week has been absolute hell. I feel so overwhelmed with life right now, and I want to be completely alone. I don’t want to be perceived or asked why I missed two weeks of class. I don’t want people constantly (and very publicly) asking me if I’m okay. Yes, I’m fine, but no I’m not fine. I’m fine enough to function, but I also want to run away. I appreciate the sentiment, I just wish it wasn’t in front of the whole class. + +I’m pretty sure most of this is my depression talking, but it’s definitely making my AvPD symptoms worse. I feel like EVERYBODY is looking at me. I’m beating myself up all the time for what I don’t/can’t do. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself. I just want to hide. Curl up into my corner. Never speak to a soul.",Personality disorder +50781,"Any hobbies? If you're comfortable sharing, does anyone here have any hobbies/activities that they enjoy?",Personality disorder +50782,Why do people always come with this remark? So i just started supplement license beside my real license(hope its understandable). We have to drive some lesson and i was with a new driving instructor. Finished my lesson and he gave me some tips. One of Them was i dont need to be a “mouse” at this point i just felt insulted. Why is there always a expectation to be talkative? Yeah im gonna drive people around most elderly but im gonna try as much i can. Im seriously tired of society always expecting everyone to be bubbly and talk constantly….,Personality disorder +50783,"Need to vent. I have had a partner for 4 years. It’s a shock to me, as well. But we haven’t had the greatest past. To make a very long story short: When he started medical school (4 years ago, when we first started dating), he wasn’t that nice to me. Some might say he was abusive towards me, especially when he drank. Anyway, he used my avoidant personality as leverage to skew many details regarding our relationship. It turned everyone in his life against me. + +Now, my partner has sobered up. It took me a while to trust and accept this change. But the people in his life still haven’t let go of the past. And the truth is, neither have I. I’ve forgiven my partner but I haven’t forgotten how everyone else treated me, even after my partner tried to clear my name. It only augmented the characteristics of my AVPD. It dissuaded me from applying to grad school, seek any professional or academic opportunities… but mainly, it left me with an intense fear of leaving my house because I simply don’t trust anyone anymore. + +Today, my partner found out where he matched for residency. His school hosted a luncheon that celebrated the students who matched. So my partner invited me and his parents; and his friends were already there since they’re in the same class. Keep in mind that I haven’t seen anyone in about 2-3 years. + +After panicking for a week before the event, I finally mustered up the courage to go. I convinced myself it’s not going to be bad. My partner actually reassured me a lot, as well. Well…. + +Aside from my partner, everyone acted like I was invisible. They went out of their way to hug and greet everyone, and then skipped right over me. Even when I spoke, they wouldn’t acknowledge me. My partner was really disappointed in them but wanted to keep the mood light, so he didn’t confront anyone. He did stick by my side, so I was at least grateful for that. + +It all just augmented my social anxiety, avoidant personality, and even my body dysmorphia. Looking at the pictures I took of everyone else versus the photos they took of me…. I’m really struggling to decide if it’s just a bad day or if I’m really that hideous. It makes me never want to step foot outside again. + +My partner truly has turned his life around and has become more aware of my needs. I love him very much and am proud that he’s grown up a lot during our relationship. Yes, ideally we would’ve never had to go through our dark phase. But he’s helped me in many ways too. I just wish the people in his life were nicer to me. + +They have no idea what their rejection does to me.",Personality disorder +50784,"is it only me? i've been diagnosed having BPD (borderline personality disorder) 4 years ago when i was 16, since then my life have been a living hell. However last year and a half i've felt like my symptoms have changed a lot, though i still have all the BPD symptoms, some symptoms like avoidance, social anxiety, isolation, feeling less, came up from nowhere. For matter of fact, i stopped talking to all my ""friends"", stopped working, going out, date, i stopped living. This winter i didn't go out of my appartement, and if it wasn't for my mother, i would probably have died of hunger. Going out doesn't scare me, people outside does. I feel like they all stare at me and they know how shitty i am, i feel like i'm not like them and whatever i do i'm not enough. Even open the shutters is a damn burden. Sometimes i think i might be paranoid, but i don't think people wan't me any harm nor i feel persecuted, i'm just ashamed of myself... I don't know if i have AvPD or just social anxiety but it's a fucking misery.. +Is there anyone if this situation?",Personality disorder +50785,"does anyone else hide their phone from everyone or turn off the television when someone else walks into the room? Not because they are doing something suspicious but because they don't want their preferences or choices to be seen? + +I have the option to watch YouTube on a smart TV, but instead I watch it on a tiny little phone screen with earphones when I'm in company because I don't want anyone to see my web or streaming history, even if it's something as innocuous as looking up a recipe or reading an online news article. I just feel so much fear of someone looking at my internet history although it's generally harmless and boring crap. + +I remember being 10 years old and my brother being angry at me because I would turn off the TV and act all shifty when he walked into the room. + +When I was a child I would hide my drawings from my parents and classmates because I would be so embarrassed. That was my first sign of AVPD. + +I was eventually diagnosed at 21 and again by another psychologist at 27.",Personality disorder +50786,"Lack of opinion and interest in things Anyone else ever feel slow to catch on to things? New show comes out, new game comes out, new trend, im always late to it all. I always find myself saying the phrase “that’s a thing?” when people bring up things I genuinely never heard of but apparently everyone else has + +I seem to have a general lack of interest in exploring anything in my life. If 0 is “I hate it” and 10 is “I love this and will skip sleep to do it”, the highest I can get is like a 7. Even with the things I “love”. Which sucks. Because often times people bond thru shared hobbies but you have to be passionate enough about that said hobby to actually fit in. And often times I’m just not that into it as the people around me. + +One simple example is when I tried playing DnD. It just made me uncomfortable because everyone was so into it and I wanted to be as well, but idk it felt like there was this barrier between me and having fun. And I get that it might not be my cup of tea, but like, this happens with everything I try + +Or when I was considering my major for school. I ended up picking something that I had just ""heard"" was a highly paid major, without really thinking about it at all. I didn't bother to look into what classes I would be taking, what jobs it would train me for, hell, whether or not I even liked it. It was just ""ok, sounds good"". One of the most important decisions of my life, made in 10 minutes. And now senior year, I'm regretting it heavily and feel like switching to another career. + +Makes me think about how many opportunities I’ve missed out on simply for being too average and opinionless in life. Idk + +I'm asking on this sub mostly because I'm curious if this is related to avpd or not. Or if it’s more a personality thing",Personality disorder +50787,"i'm never gonna be loved by anyone... and i think that's okay. for a long time, all i wanted is to be loved by other people, but as a depressed individual, it's been kinda impossible to believe anyone will ever love me. and i don't even mean it exclusively in the romantic sense (how does a first kiss feel? i don't even know), but in the platonic sense too. + +i don't even think i'm physically unattractive, but i do know my personality is unattractive, which is somehow *worse.* with this i am not saying i am unworthy of love, i mean that my goals in life and my way of being is not what it's expected of people nowadays. i have weird and extremely niche interests, i am weird and my only purpose in life is to collect the biggest spectrum of unique experiencies; definitely not the kind of people that attracts other people in this world (i mean ambitious people with dreams of financial gains, charismatic people, etcetera). + +don't get me wrong, i love my weird quirky self, but so far nobody has ever loved my weird quirky self lol. i know there's lots of people in this big and wide planet, but it seems like i don't have the skills to find the people who will like me, the people who will form groups with me, the people who will desire me in a romantic way. and considering my age, i feel like it's too late to find those skills, the skills of making deep, meaningful, reciprocal connections with other people. + +but i think that's okay. somehow, getting rid of the desire to form connections with others has made me happier with those small-talk friendships whom only talk to me about the weather or their job, with those classmates who only talk to me when i awkwardly join the bigger groups at college. maybe thinking that i'm worthy to be loved by other people is me asking too much? + +the approach i'm taking now is to love myself. and with ""love"" i mean romantic love; i flirt with myself. i tell myself i'm beautiful, even if i don't recognize that person in the mirror as someone beautiful. i have lots of love buried in my heart, and i always waited to get into a relationship to give this love to someone else. now, i try to give it to my own self. there's days when i really want to die and i can't even get out of bed, and i ask myself ""what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?"" and i realize that i would support her; i would do everything to get her out of bed, help her bath and make some food for her. so i get out of bed, i bathe myself and make myself some food. + +there's some days when loneliness hurts, though. i always see stories of the beauty of romantic love, of touching the lips of the person you would die for, feeling that person's chest and not caring if the world ends, as long as you're on their arms. stories of the joy of hanging out with like-minded people, and just being up at 4am enjoying each other's presence and looking at the stars together. these are experiences i will never live, and it hurts. and it makes me feel like this whole philosophy i just described in this post is just a dangerous coping mechanism. + +but what would i do if the love of my life felt like this? i would hug them and tell them that it's gonna be okay. so i just tell myself that i'm gonna be okay. + +*""You think you might find community, a sense of connection to something bigger, but you don’t. In fact, you feel more alone than you did before you left … But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone.” - Bojack Horseman*",Personality disorder +50788,"This is really getting out of control I feel exhausted from the constant voices in my head and my heart racing during social situations. I feel like everything I do, could have been done better, and that I am inadequate. My avoidance is getting worse to the point where I am unable to do anything at all. As a medical student, I chose to study this major without truly understanding the challenges that would come with it. Now, during my clinical rotations, every encounter with each patient feels like a nightmare. I constantly feel judged, and I fear harsh criticism is always one step away from being directed at me. This constant mental battle leaves me with no room to use the knowledge that I have worked so hard to achieve. + I am always reserved and quiet, and I do not act on anything until I know there is no other option, fearing that I will be blamed for my incompetence. However, this has backfired on me, as I struggle to form connections and networks, losing out on many opportunities in my field that could improve my social and financial status. Gradually, people have started to label me as arrogant or irresponsible, which makes me feel hopeless. +What can I do to sustain balance, at least in my mind? In addition to this, I am lonely, and the effect on my already-damaged mental health is apparent. +Last year, I met a group of people with whom I shared similar interests. Socializing with them was enjoyable, and I felt liked. But, in my efforts to get closer to them and belong to the friend group, I ended up stressing over whether I was making them uncomfortable, whether I had anything interesting to say, and whether they looked down on me. The gut-wrenching anxiety became too much to bear, and I ended up quitting. I limited my texts and stopped going to meetings. Though I am still in contact with them on social media, I see how new people have joined the group, formed close friendships, and I continue to feel like a familiar stranger to all of them. +I am preparing myself to accept the lack of romantic intimacy in my life. Though I have always been indifferent about relationships, sometimes I think that I am going to miss out on so many ordinary but enjoyable experiences in life. There were guys who took an interest in me because I had this ""mysterious aura"" around me, but after a few more dates, I was still the same person they met on the first day. I had nothing more to offer other than shallow and unimportant conversations. Every time I wanted to go deeper, I felt exposed and vulnerable like prey. So, it's definitive for me that I have to completely abandon this part of my life and move on. +I'm sorry if I went on for too long or sounded negative, but I really needed to share my thoughts and emotions with those who can understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.",Personality disorder +50789,"AvPD and covid has ruined my dream job. So I've been a nanny for about 10 years now (daycare before that) and one of the best parts of the job was extremely minimal adult interaction. I'd go to work, one of the parents would tell me what I needed to know and then went to work. When they got back in the evening we'd say ""goodnight"" and that was it. + +Since covid, however, at least one of the parents works from home. I currently work for a family with BOTH parents work from home. It's terrible. I jump at every noise that might mean they are coming to ""say hi"" to their kid. I worry so much about where they are, what they think they're hearing when I talk to their baby, my appearance, the way I dress. I imagine they're mocking the way I sneeze or they're disgusted by my weight gain. + +I am very good at my job but my anxiety is so distracting it makes everything so much harder. I can't tell you how many times I've tossed my phone across the room when I hear footsteps coming because even if I am only looking up the weather or craft ideas I'm terrified they'll think I'm on the phone all day.",Personality disorder +50790,"BPD and AvPD comorbidity, anyone? Lately I’ve been reading more about BPD, particularly “silent” BPD, and I check off every symptom on the list. I’m wondering if it’s a common thing for these two conditions to be related, as it seems that this combo could be incredibly self destructive(as I am) and hectic. Thoughts?",Personality disorder +50791,"is it wrong of me? i am not diagnosed with avpd. i think i have it but i won’t say i have it. i’ve shown a lot of symptoms since childhood. i’m 18 and usually they diagnose people who are older so yea idk. + +i’ve posted on here several times and feel such a comfort with all the people who relate. i’ve lost friendships because of how i am. it’s so nice to feel understood and to connect with other people like me. + +i don’t know where else to go to vent, so i usually go here. all the people who comment really make me feel better since they get it.",Personality disorder +50792,"How do you get through the process of getting a job? I’m planning on doing a certain diploma you need to do at least six months of internship for. I should’ve started applying for those weeks ago but I’ve been avoiding it because I feel like I’d either end up not getting the internship or trick them into thinking I’ll be a valuable addition to their institution — which I don’t think I would be. So essentially, I’ve been doing self sabotage. + +Now, the problem is that I’ve had quite a lot of absences at school, the teachers all know about some of my mental illnesses and have suffered because of it. + +I’ll need references for the application process, I don’t have anyone else to do that other than my teachers but I feel that asking anyone to do it would be putting them in a really hard position because they don’t want to lie to an institution about me being a valuable addition when they (think they) know I’ll only mess things up. + +Honestly, I just feel like even if I end up getting an internship somehow (would be a miracle in the first place) I’d somehow find a way to burn out and mess up once again. + +If I don’t go for this diploma I’ll essentially have wasted four years of my life and I don’t think my chronically depressed self could recover from that. + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +50793,"So tired of everything I am so goddamn tired of everything. + + I am not looking forward to anything, have no goals..just a low-paid job that I don't really like. I guess I can be proud that I got one in the first place, despite how horribly painful that was to get used to it and my thoughts about quitting it after first week. + But honestly, other than that, I have no clue why I am doing all this. I mean, everything..going to job, eating, trying to do something..living. I am so tired I barely drag my body to work or practically anywhere. + About my job..I got more or less used to it but I still feel like my co-workers hate me. It's my avpd brain acting up, again. Goddamn pesky little thing. They're nice to me but this irrational part of me wins every time + Every day is a misery and I am so tired.. + I always tell myself that I have to go forward and don't stop but by now I am not sure why or where I am going. Feels like I am just aimlessly wandering around in the darkness with no clue whatsoever",Personality disorder +50794,"Just wonder if people have heard of hypersensitivity. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP but I realized I was being super sensitive for awhile now. I think this is when I started to realize my AvPD. I was talking to my former therapist a couple of months back and she told me about it. Her friend had become disabled and was being hypersensitive. + +I think a lot of this comes from trauma. Also doesn’t help when people aren’t really compassionate in general. I don’t really have much advice but try to heal from traumas. I’ve been doing that alot more lately. It took a really long time but I feel less stuck now.",Personality disorder +50795,"Please tell me I’m not the only one? When people get to know me, I’m actually very loud. Almost obnoxiously loud as in I’d be embarrassed if I acted that way around random people😂 And I sometimes wonder if I’m avoidant because of the fact that deep down I’m just an obnoxiously loud person and somehow I’ve decided being avoidant keeps my life easier. Less drama, no risk of annoying people. But then I also wonder if maybe in reality I’m just loud sometimes to make up for the way too many times I’ve kept everything inside? Idk but that leads me to another question. How can you truly heal from your problems when it would require getting rid of coping mechanisms held in place all your life? + +I should add I’m generally a very quiet person.",Personality disorder +50796,"Can't make a single phone call? I was told to phone call someone but I cant even make myself! I'm literally about to tell them I'm incapable of talking to people and make myself even more pathetic! +Wtf should I do? They will just tell me meaningless things for an hour which I have no solution to.My phobia is getting worse and worse ! +I'm also starting to have some anger outbursts which rarely happen but I think I will snap! And it is not even that big of deal.",Personality disorder +50797,"What are you guys good at? Sometimes I forget I'm good at things, it helps me to remember what ones since there's so much I feel like I'm *not* good at. I'm more than what I'm not naturally good at. + +I'm: + +* Very naturally flexible so yoga is easy for me. +* Extremely resourceful, I feel like I can make anything out of anything. +* Great at literary analysis. +* A good cook. +* I don't easily give up when something is difficult. +* Good at understanding & applying new concepts easily. +* Good at drawing & art. +* Good at trying new things if they're not too overwhelming. +* Empathetic and nonjudgmental (despite what my face and energy are giving off lol) +* Good taste, in books, fashion, films, etc. +* Good at gift-giving + +What about you all? ✌️",Personality disorder +50798,"Anyone here try making online friends? For me its difficult because everyone is more advanced than me or younger. Many people are focused on careers/productivity/school/family. I always feel like a kid compared to others when I observe or interact with people. + +Another issue that would happen is the few people I found remotely on my level would ditch me after some months. I think it does not work with people if you do not objectively help the person or intend to interact with them on a physical or visceral level rather than just talking about interests or random stuff. + +In theory I should just go ask people if they want to play certain games but it does not feel right if people just opening up about their personal lives or bantering with me makes me feel like trash. It is absurd to me that I have to shut out 99.X percent of the population because they are better than me or I don't share their interests.",Personality disorder +50799,"does anyone else keep making new Reddit accounts? I find myself abandoning Reddit accounts and making new ones every few weeks or so. I hate the fact that Reddit leaves a trail of evidence about me that I can't hide from people and make my comments and questions private. I hate the whole karma and upvotes/downvotes thing. I like Reddit for the simple fact that there are communities here for just about everything that I don't have access to otherwise. I also use Facebook groups but I have an account with a fake name and no information on the profile. If I have commented too much in a single group and people start recognizing me I usually change my name on Facebook. You are usually allowed to change your name on Facebook several times a year or so. + +I just hate the fact that I am seen and I have built a persona, either online or offline. I just wish I could be invisible or anonymous everywhere I went including online. I also hate people knowing what country I was born in because most people are from the United states and it makes me stand out so I try and use American terms and spellings as much as I can. I also have trauma from my home country and just mentioning that I am from there makes me anxious and I feel paranoid talking to people from my own country. I go back and edit comments constantly and I'm always deleting things. + +People automatically find this behavior shifty and I have been called out a few times and people always think I'm up to something.",Personality disorder +50800,"Is anybody mainly scared of simply being perceived? Like I don’t really care if they think I’m dumb or even *like* me at this point in my life… but something about knowing people see me is terrifying. Eye contact is the absolute worst because it’s 100 percent focus. I always try to look people in the eyes but HAVE to look away within a second otherwise I feel like they’ll hate me. I’m 24M and it’s waaaay worse with women, I feel like I’m invading their space just looking anywhere near them to the point I don’t even know what their face looks like after an interaction. + +When my best friend of 10 years comes over to watch a movie I will not glance in their direction the entire time and stay on my side of the couch. But I can converse just fine and not overthink my words at all. I also feel like I have tunnel vision when im in grocery stores and if I go to a restaurant I will be stiffly hunched over my plate staring at the wall the entire time. I just realized being blind would be kinda awesome and probably take away like 90 percent of my stressors. Okay this got way out of hand im baked goodnight and if you’re reading this I love you",Personality disorder +50801,"I’m worried I’m second choice I met a guy on a trip two years ago. He told mutual friends that he liked me, and he asked them not to tell me, but they did. When he found out that I knew, he cut off all contact with me. Two months later, he and his girlfriend broke up. I have to admit that before he was single, I'd look at his TikToks a lot. I never liked or commented on it; I'd just watch the videos. + +A few days before he and his girlfriend broke up, I noticed that my TikToks would go up. I had 3 followers, but whenever I'd watch his videos, a few hours later, my TikTok views would rise. I even tried doing it on certain days; eg. I'd watch his videos one day, watch it two days later, then the day after, and each time I saw them, my views went up, and on the days that I didn't watch them, they stayed the same. This continued for the better part of a year. Last year, it was still frequent, but less so. Now, it's every two or three weeks that we do this. One time, he even posted a TikTok in English (English isn't his first language, and all of his previous videos were in his native language). + +TikTok wasn't the only platform he was looking at me on. He would do it on Twitter too. One time, I retweeted a picture of a Star Wars character. Less than an hour later, he posted a meme of that same character. The meme was in English, and it's not that I want to say that the meme wasn't funny, but it was obvious that he posted it just to post it. There's been at least three other instances where he did something similar. + +However, twice he did things that tickled me funny. About six months after they broke up, he started following her on TikTok, but unfollowed her within a few hours (probably because she didn’t follow him back). A month later, one of his ex's close friends posted a TikTok video with his ex in it. He started following this friend. Around eight months of this going on, he made his Instagram and TikTok private. I have no idea why. But I can tell he still looks at my TikTok, because TikTok tells who looks at your profile. I don’t post much, and he looks at it every two to three days.",Personality disorder +50802,"You're actually all great people and this subreddit is living proof. I've been on this subreddit for a good period of time now and it's quite an active one with several posts every day and pretty much all of them receive a response of some sort whether it's about people asking for advice or venting. + +There's no toxicity. There's no arguing. There's just empathy and help. + +So I just want to say that although living with AvPD can be a painful existence that eats away at our self-esteem, I appreciate all of you for making this subreddit such a great space.",Personality disorder +50803,"I make people uncomfortable My presence makes others uncomfortable and i can feel it. There's this awkwardness. Whenever I need to go out and i have to interact with others or when I'm with my own family, i feel it. And i know that awkwardness is because of me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know some will say it's in your head but no i really feel like my presence is just uncomfortable to be around. You know sometimes people can sense things? People can sense when you're sad or in my case, uncomfortable in social interactions so they pick up on that and they aren't used to that so then everything becomes uncomfortable. I don't like this feeling.",Personality disorder +50804,"Conversational and social skills… what are they I think I’ve never given myself a chance to develop them because of AvPD. I could’ve had a fuller social life in school but I was so in my shell, I just had a few close friends. And even with them, I felt I could’ve been better. It seemed like they all clicked with each other very well and even though we were all good friends, sometimes there was something missing in my connection with people. I know they say skills are to be learned but it really really REALLY seems like it’s just inborn for other people. So I just do everything I can to avoid one on one conversations so nobody has the chance to think I’m weird and don’t know how to talk or something.",Personality disorder +50805,"Just a quick moment of levity Hey guys what are your 3 favorite/special films and 1 tv show you adore:) + +Mine are: +1.Cherry +2.Drive +3.Wind River +...Mandy is also one of favs, especially the first half of the film. + +And I'm a huge Stranger Things fan, that's my favourite tv show",Personality disorder +50806,"I can’t sustain long conversations It doesn’t matter who the other person is, if we are engaged in a conversation, the longer it takes the more symptoms I get. At first I am ok, then the worry begins in my head where at the same time I am talking, I start observing myself. + +The conversation continues but at this time the symptoms I have been worried about begin to appear, my ears turn red, my lips start to shake, my thinking start to prepare for the impending possibility of having a panic attack while at the same time I start observing that the person I am talking to has now noticed that I am having a reaction. My voice start to tremble as I must make some type of escape. + +Shame overtakes me as I now know that the other person knows that something just went wrong. I abruptly end the conversation and remove myself now completely drained and knowing that in future conversations with that person, this previous terrible episode will be the thing in my head and wondering if it will also be in their head. + +Later on as days pass, I start noticing that the other person also becomes uncomfortable and looks anxious when talking to me but seems happy and relaxed when talking to other people. + +After sometime, I start avoiding them because it takes a toll on me. If it is a place of employment, over time I will have many of such episodes with different people and it becomes too much so I quit so I can start fresh somewhere else but I already know what the outcome will be at each new place. + +I am 56 and have been like that since High School. + +Some medications have helped, particularly Effexor. Also thinking about my lungs breathing and doing mindfulness while conversing have reduced it tremendously, but many times I forget to do the work and I get the episodes. + +This is all from times in my childhood where I was shamed in front of others and ridiculed by aunts, uncles, grandparents and teachers. + +One of my grandma’s used to on many occasions take her frustrations on me when I did something bad. So for some reason now, when I talk to other adults, it triggers all of the reactions I had as a child when I was getting yelled at.",Personality disorder +50807,"Feeling disconnected from peers - how do I stand out to fit in? Hi, I've been struggling a lot in school from even before college and lonely for most of my life. I've been the odd one out since back when and slow on socialising - I can't seem to use social media well (too afraid that my relatives will find it) and/or hold conversations for very long even though I find people with the same interests. I've gotten responses that range from implying that I annoy them or getting told my way of thinking is... strange(?) I'm not sure how to phrase this since I tend to notice my ideas get shot down and nitpicked more than others in my friend group or even project team setting. + +I started withdrawing from my social circles as a result and getting used to living alone with myself. My family been supportive of me thus far and I shouldnt complain but I cant live like this for very long - I want to express myself and find a space for my art, craft and ideas that accepts me for me. +And I'm sure in order to be independent, I need to also be comfortable with myself. + +But I'm not. I live life now never crossing the line with people even if I think its a terrible idea and is proven to be for the purpose of avoiding conflict, I withhold my ideas so as to not seem radical or stupid and avoid being berated or talked down. I feel like a NPC living a scripted life. + +How do we overcome this and have the courage to live for us? Can I do it in a way to eliminate these stresses? Or is avoiding them the main issue?",Personality disorder +50808,"I love the idea of a romantic relationship, but I can’t put the work in. I (28M) feel like any kind of dating/relationships is just work - work, work, work, work, work. I like the idea of having a connection in my life, but I don’t think I’m willing to do what it takes. + +I think bc I’m so low-maintenance, I attract a lot of very clingy needy people which made me hate the idea of dating because they’d never leave me alone. And not just the process of dating itself (which sucks for most people); but just being in a relationship, requires too much work and expectations. Maybe I’m just lazy, but how do you have the motivation to keep going with dating when it’s just annoyance?",Personality disorder +50809,"crippling guilt from my inability to answer texts I don’t know how common this is but it’s extremely difficult for me to find the strength in me to text people back and it’s killing my (nonexistent) social life and the possibility of ever finding love. I live in constant guilt/dread knowing that I have people in my DMs trying to contact me to hang out, but my fear of embarrassment and awkwardness is freaking killing me. All i’ve ever wanted was to belong and be able to make friends, but my brain literally stops me in my tracks. It’s also necessary to note that I have ADHD (primarily inattentive) and once I take my medication, I’m lucky to have maybe 30min of adequate dopamine levels to push myself and reply. Sometimes I do reply, but when I go back to baseline I just want to isolate and be in my dark room. I really feel like I’m being tortured by my own brain. It’s a terrible feeling to crave social interaction but to also be deathly afraid of the possibility that I could ruin everything and be viewed as an embarrassment. I really don’t feel worthy of having the opportunity to make friends. My SSRIs have made me so numb and my personality rarely sparkles anymore, so I can’t imagine anyone would want to be around someone so dull. + +Do any of you relate?? It feels like a mental trap.",Personality disorder +50810,"Currently grieving the life I‘ll never have Yes I‘m working on myself and it‘s never to late to start/change. But some things are time sensitive and I‘ll just have to accept I‘ll never have children for example. Sure I could pop one out right now, but that wouldn‘t be the responsible thing to do given my mental state as well as just my general state of things. + +There just isn‘t enough time for me to get well enough, get my life in order, find a reasonable partner get married and start a family before time runs out. So now I‘m just trying to prepare myself for when the inevitable comes and I‘m still here left alone probably still struggling mentally. + +That is all, I‘m sad this disorder has robbed me of so much and I still can‘t seem to get a handle on it.",Personality disorder +50811,"is there a point in trying to completely get over this shit i try so hard to get close to people and basically no ones ever responsive, and literally no one gives more than baseline politeness. i expend so much energy trying and nothing comes of it. all i get is hurt because people dont care about me at all. it hurts so much to try and get nothing and rejection in return. + +I'm genuinely wondering if there's really any point in me continuing to try when nothing works out and i just end up in so much pain. i want to just give up and isolate, to save energy and prevent this fucking god awful pain i keep feeling over and over again every time something social comes up + +i understand part of this hopeless feeling is my unrelenting depression but ive quite literally never been able to develop true close relationships outside fucking elementary school and im 21 now",Personality disorder +50812,"just turned to my coworker and talked one day i've always been in awe of people who can just start talking. every time i think 'i could say this!' it's immediately dogpiled with other thoughts. the self hating ones. i don't have it in me to list them right now, but if you're reading this, unfortunately you probably know what i mean. + +anyway. i was heading out for my break on saturday, and i got my marlboros out of my locker. (smoking is bad, i know). i bought them off a friend of a friend who stocked up on her trip to italy. so i turned to my coworker (notoriously one of if not the most outgoing in our little crew), and said ""hey, check these out."" and i showed him the picture of the blackened lung on the carton, and we kind of joked about how fucked up it is that those kinds of health warnings are the norm in other countries, but not here (USA). + + i don't really know what was different this time. it must have been a beneficial glitch, because i haven't shown that degree of spontaneity since, especially not while 100% sober. + +it was nothing. and the self hating thoughts came right after. but once those settled a bit, it was nice. + +thanks so much for reading, i just wanted to ramble as always.",Personality disorder +50813,"one interaction ruins the whole day If I interact with 5 people a day, 4 turn out to be ok, and the other 1 will destroy my whole mood. is it not better not to interact with all 5?",Personality disorder +50814,"Can denying my sexuality be a cause of AVPD? So few years back i got AVPD diagnosis. I am now trying to get out of this rut and fix things. Thing is: i have avoided everything all my life, even my feelings. So its hard. + +One thing i am thinking of past few days is that when i knew i was gay at 13 years old, i avoided thinking about it and refusing to accept my sexuality. I only came out once i was 19. So 6 years i was 'locked' in avoiding being who i am. I am in my 30s now and after a bad breakup been trying to figure my life out. + +Is it possible that being ' in the closet' for more then 6 years contribute in developing AVPD? As i notice i still dont accept my sexuality 100% and still think what people might think of it and reject me because of my sexuality. Thats what i did when i first figured out i was gay, thinking that my then friends would bully or reject me... + +Any other gay people here who can relate?",Personality disorder +50815,"I just need to vent about my partner. I think my partner has bpd maybe AvPD + + +Hi everyone. I have no idea how to start this. I’m honestly not even sure if bpd or AvPD is correct I’m just grasping at straws at this point. My (27f) boyfriend (28m)’s brother has been diagnosed with bpd. Which is why this is my first step. And while I’m obviously not looking for someone to diagnose him like this, I’m just lost. And need someone to listen. + +I am massively struggling in my relationship and I just need someone to listen. Even if this goes nowhere. My boyfriend asks for a lot of things for himself but is very hypocritical if I were to ask the same in return. (We just had a long talk so my brain is sort of foggy on details and I can’t quite think of an example of that at the moment) he does ask for things in one moment and when I do them or stick to it, he tells me it’s wrong. Example, he has wanted to get a photo ID for a while. We have two options, drivers licence or a photo card. About a month or probably two ago, he said he needed photo ID for a test at work he’d been putting off. Then he said not long ago that we don’t motivate each other to do the things we need to. I know he has anxiety planning things and doesn’t want to so for our anniversary I said “pick which ID you want, I’ll drive you there, pay for it, and it’ll be done. I’ll put all the planning into it. All good” and he loved that idea. The day we were supposed to go, he was angry about something and it caused an argument. So we didn’t go. Which got pushed off to the next week and the week after. To today. Each week he said “I’ll do it next week on my day off” so I asked and he pushed it again. Today we spoke about it and while he’s not good at planning, I was waiting around to find out if we were going or not, as I wanted to plan when I was done work and went to get gas and groceries. When it was about 2 hours before we had to leave if we were going for him to take the drivers test, I told him that I didn’t care if we went but if he wanted to study more, now was the time. He told me tonight that he only did it so ID shut up about it and when I said “you told me you wanted more motivation so I gave it to you” he just said “fair”. But we always have those moments where he says he wants something and I change to do it but then he gets pissy about it. If I try and talk to him about my needs or what I’m wanting more of or how I’m hurt by something, he tells me that he just wants to be left alone and that he never asked me for anything. Or he’ll just give me all the things about himself that suck or how he feels and completely disregards what I was even talking about. If we have an argument for 1 full hour let’s say. There will be lulls in the argument. Maybe every 15 minutes. Maybe start, half hour mark, and then end. It always changes but the lull is when he sits, listens, and answers me with respect. The other times it’s that I have said even one word to set him off and he’s miserable. And angry and not nice. I’m finding myself constantly working around his moods. Sort of judging if now is a good time to even show him a TikTok or something I find interesting. If he agrees with what I’m showing him, all is good. If he doesn’t, he gets angry. Says he’s confused and basically shuts down. Tells me he thinks that’s dumb or “why would someone even do that. They’re not part of my life. Why do I even need to listen to that”. If I’m talking about my work or just complaining, he’ll tell me why he doesn’t want to hear it. That it’s not part of his world so it doesn’t matter. I’ve asked him certain things to stop or change and whenever I do he’ll tell me something he needs in return. He can’t just take blame for things. Sometimes he can. But normally can’t. I definitely do not help the situation because I am at his every beck and call and he’s at none of mine. If he asks to be left alone, and I walk to another room, he says he feels guilty that I’m going away. And that he’ll just sit and stew and feel bad and then he doesn’t get his way anyway. + +He wants to be left alone a lot. Can’t ever take anything I say and listen. Always has to tell me why whatever I’m going through is something he’d love to have or how his life is worse. Example; we moved for his work. Away from my family and friends and my best friend dropped me. While she was being shitty all the time, she was the last person I had to talk to. And if I’m sad about it, he tells me that’s his dream for people to leave him alone and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset. + +If something small happens, he wildly blows it out of proportion. Especially if it’s something he doesn’t understand. I have to be careful with how I joke with him because he will take everything to heart but has zero problem disrespecting me or poking fun at me for something. If we go out at all, he doesn’t want to be there and will usually get extremely high or drunk to avoid socializing because it makes him anxious. + +I’m just not sure if this is like anything anyone has dealt with and I’m looking for advice or help or just something. Thank you for reading this long novel. I really appreciate you all.",Personality disorder +50816,"I don’t know if I actually have AvPD Last few months I was struggeling with lots of depression. So I started looking on internet and I found lots of mental illnesses and I really felt like this one is really matching my symptoms. + +Now when I somehow improved my depression I see myself differently and I feel differently. I had depression my whole life without even realizing it, for me having depression was a normal state sme I had no idea that there is a non-depression state. + +But now when my depression improved I see that some of AvPD symptoms starting disappearing and I feel better. + +But at this point I am just not sure, I might have it and depression was making it worse. And I might now have it and it was “just” depression all the time.",Personality disorder +50817,"Mentally Exhausted I have been very mentally exhausted. + +I don’t mind working long hours at my job, it’s just at my job there’s a lot of people around (since it’s a large store connected to a bunch of departments.) A few months since I graduated high school I’ve been working. But I can’t seem to really talk to people. I have a tendency to avoid the groups, sometimes I can’t even open my mouth. + +It’s even worse when I think about how much I suck, and how awful I look. I feel like an inconvenience and a burden, because plainly I am pretty stupid. Even though at the beginning of my job I was putting on a smile and a happy voice to convince myself it was okay, I can’t even get myself to smile or look people in the eyes unless I have to. I am so exhausted. + +I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am depressed, both mentally and physically tired. I really have no plans for my future.",Personality disorder +50818,"Feeling like I don't do enough I'm not sure if this is due to the disorder or not, if it's imposter syndrome, if it's from old Christian mantras of ""put others before yourself"" being baked into my psyche since childhood, or if it's a combination of all three; but I often feel like I don't do enough for other people in my life. Whether it's with other family members, close friends, or co-workers, I often get this sense. + +I work from home. And I've done a lot on our current project over the course of this past year. But now that we're sitting near the finish line, almost ready to go-live with not much else to do other than wait for the cutover, I can't help but feel some kind of guilt like I'm not doing enough. Even though I helped our team make a ton of progress in the past few months. + +With friends or family it often comes in the form of ""should I be there?"" or ""I know I be there, be present, but I really don't want to"" and then I just feel like a POS terrible friend/sibling/son/etc. for not doing it. For example, a relative of mine had a gender reveal party a few weeks ago. Naturally, I didn't go. I'm not particularly close with this family member and haven't been for years. Nonetheless I still felt like an asshole for skipping. Especially later when I talked to my dad and asked how it went; I asked ""who was there?"" and he said ""Just about everyone. Except for you"". I don't think he intended to make me feel guilty, but it kind of did. My mom corrected him later and pointed out a few other family members that didn't make it, but nonetheless I felt like I didn't do enough. Even though, again, this relative having the child and I don't really talk or show interest in one another's lives anymore. + +Another example is a friend, a close friend, who really does their best to help me get out of the house and do things. They'll invite me to things at bars or restaurants, and 9 times out of 10 I don't go. Part of me appreciates the hell out of that, because I need it, and it's nice to be included/wanted. Another part of me wishes they'd leave me alone; because I don't think I'm interesting enough or worthy enough to hang out with. Then I start feeling a whirlwind of guilt and shame for bailing out of the request. + +Wondering if all these feelings of guilt or shame are part of the disorder, or if it's something else. Anyone else experience this?",Personality disorder +50819,"I can’t look at Reddit anymore There’s always someone being rejected, and when they show hatred for them, I feel hated as well.",Personality disorder +50820,"Devastated after finding out my little sister has a secret boyfriend Not sure if this belongs here, but I'm so upset about this that I haven't slept all night. +My sister is my only friend. I feel like she understands me more than anyone else. I'm completely relaxed and comfortable around her; I can just be myself without overthinking what I look like and how I come across. She's basically the only person who is able to make me laugh. I've always been open with her about my thoughts, interests and even my mental health struggles. +I know it's not healthy to expect one person to be my entire social life, but I literally don't have anyone else I can talk to about anything. +Yesterday I found out that she's been lying to me by saying she's meeting up with friends from school and sleeping over at her bff's apartment, when in fact she has a rich foreigner boyfriend and she's been staying over at his place. He's also been driving her on trips to nearby cities. +I knew this day would come; my little sister had to grow up someday and get a boyfriend, but I wasn't prepared to feel so alone, abandoned and betrayed. +She never mentioned that guy to me and my father; I'm disappointed that I had to find out about him from my mother. +I still haven't talked to her since I found out about her relationship, but I can't fathom why she would hide it from me when I've always told her everything. +Of course I want her to be happy, but now all I'm left to do is wait for her to get married, move to a different country and forget about me, leaving me to rot and die miserable and alone.",Personality disorder +50821,"Does AvPD have another name in your language? In English there's both avoidant and anxious, whereas in German there's ängstlich-vermeidende (anxious-avoidant) and selbstunsichere (self insecure). The latter got me wondering if there are other names for it across the world.",Personality disorder +50822,"Did not even want to say hi to me I have an online friend and they really wanted me to meet their friend. I was hesitant but they told me that they’re nice so I joined their little discord server (literally had like 5 people total with me) with the intentions of maybe sending a message or two and never again. But their friend didn’t even want to say hi to me. Like my friend told him to say hi and he literally just said “no” . This happened a few days ago and I’m like really upset about it. He barely even knows anything about me. + +I talked to my friend today and they said that they think he is just jealous that i’m sort of close with them. But I’m still really really hurt and upset about. I feel like I’m not even deserving of being acknowledged or spoken to.",Personality disorder +50823,,Personality disorder +50824,"The bar is so low, I can't even begin to describe it. All I know how to do is play video games, watch youtube and repeat the same things like a dumb monkey. + +The past 2 weeks, I tried taking a course in computer science and I tried starting to learn Japanese. And all I can do is watch and wait for something to click in my brain. + +There's nothing in me. No creativity, no self-sufficiency, no capacity for independent thought. + +I don't understand how I've made it this far. + +I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.",Personality disorder +50825,,Personality disorder +50826,,Personality disorder +50827,"Hopelessness/Too lateness Is there a point where one can consider it too late to do anything? Too late to try; too late to get treatment; too late for anything and everything? Too old? Or if someone is ""too badly off?"" I've seen some people around Reddit and the net refer to failed lives. I've recently made posts and tried to look around Reddit for people in a similar situation as mine and there seems to be *nobody*. And the only conclusion I can draw is that my circumstances are too uniquely screwed up. And AvPD along with other issues all intersecting have led to a completely failed life and me as a broken mess. Growing up (or developing) AvPD in a family full of NPD didn't help. + +Most subs seem to skew younger, which has me think that everybody either resolved their issues as they grew up or are no longer alive. How has anybody dealt with utter despair and hopelessness? Feeling too old and that it's too late to change anything satisfactorily? Does anyone have other issues/diagnoses that mix with AvPD to just make things impossible?",Personality disorder +50828,"Quality over quantity - Friendships I know people with AvPD struggle to maintain friendships and I do too. + +For me, I think it's the daily (or at least frequent) messaging to stay in touch that I struggle with. I will get tired and ignore messages just because I don't have the capacity to engage with a subject that I frankly probably don't care much about or I'm just worn out by the constant interaction. The messaging for the sake of messaging gets to me. + +if it's a friend that lived far away then I'd rather not speak for 6 months and then just meet up and have a good time before reverting back to usual which for me is far less exhausting and fortunately I do have a couple that are like that. + +Anyone relate?",Personality disorder +50829,,Personality disorder +50830,"Longtime lurker with AvPD just wanting to vent about the fantasy of disappearing and starting a different life Using my alt throwaway because reasons. Recently I’ve been having a hard time, and although I have deeply caring and wonderful people in my life, I still isolate and as much as I crave time with others I get tired so easily after a short while. Also grew up with cluster B parents and family which doomed me to some kind of mental problems. + +Lately I’ve begun to think about the idea of just leaving. Disappearing, no trace. Not suicide. I’m not suicidal at all, I mean leaving, going somewhere I’m not known, changing all my details, and completely starting over. I can’t help but feel it would make no difference to anyone, in fact it might even be better. + +I’ve googled step by step ‘how to’s ’ on it. + +I’m hoping to be able to talk to others who have been in this dark of a place and what got you through - or any advice. + +Because this is mostly just a fantasy, but the idea is sticking in my head more than I’d like it to. I don’t actually want to go through with it. I think … + +*Edit for clarity, what got you through the mental state if you’ve felt this way, not advice on disappearing. Oops!😳",Personality disorder +50831,"I have a new therapist! I got a new therapist today. I am nervous. She called and she sounds nice. I have had horrible experiences in the past, but I decided that I can no longer be stuck. I need to move forward but I need help knowing how and maybe this will be helpful. I am going to try. + +""You gotta get up and try, try, try""",Personality disorder +50832,"I came off as an asshole today and I’m struggling with it I went to the mall to buy some fragrances and I came off as a massive asshole to the cashiers. There was originally only one girl that was attending the area I went to, so I thought I would be fine. Wrong. She seemed like she was new and when I asked her for the fragrance I wanted she seemed confused and said she was going to get someone to help me. She came back with two women, and they’re all staring at me while I say what I want. Then one of the women she brought back started asking me questions, I wasn’t prepared for this and I sort of shut down. She asked me what I was currently wearing and I lied and said I didn’t wear anything currently, then she asked me if I would wear something sweeter than the fragrance I had picked out and I just shook my head and looked at some other bottles of perfume. I acted mostly dismissive towards the three women because I was so uncomfortable and just wanted the situation to end. I wanted to get out of the situation as fast as possible so I grabbed a different fragrance that I was familiar with and told them I would just buy that. + +I had tried to prepare myself beforehand to speak to one person, because the last time I went there was only one person I had to talk to. Talking to three people made me so uncomfortable and I acted like a dismissive asshole. I thought it would be really easy for me since I already knew what I wanted and I assumed I could just tell the lady the name of what I wanted and she would tell me whether they had it or not. I also feel really bad for the new girl because I could tell she didn’t really know what she was doing and I just made it worse for her. And the lady that was asking me questions seemed very nice and I feel bad for acting the way I did. Now that I think about it, the second lady was probably trying to set an example to the new girl and I ruined it for her. + +I had avoided buying fragrances online in fear that the bottles would break in the mail but I will probably only buy them online from now on. + +This experience made me realize that I also act cold and asshole-ish to everyone that’s not the people I live with, or my mom. But that’s also the only way I can speak to people, so I’m kind of stuck between don’t socialize at all or act cold to everyone.",Personality disorder +50833,"what avoidance feels like to me i'm not diagnosed but i always thought there was something deeply wrong with me. i've never kept a friend longer than a couple years. i'm in my second year of college and i have been at zero since covid happened. i've transferred schools so new place and new people and i'm more isolated than before. + +it feels like i'm not human because i'm unable to do the human thing and communicate. like i'm watching and observing but as an alien or a void or something that looks human but if you look to closely its all distorted. or robotic even. someone's failed attempt at a human being. + +all i do is lay in bed and ruminate over every bad interaction with past friends and family or think about how my roommates or classmates perceive me. fake conversations justifying my actions to absolutely no one. it feels like i'm going insane. i thought it was just social anxiety but i don't get panic attacks. and my reluctance and inability feels wired directly into my veins, every fiber of my being and it feels like it can't be undone. like my entire identity is wrapped up in being alone. and that's all i'll ever be.",Personality disorder +50834,"as to not be a burden, i will now isolate myself. you are welcome! recently I've been distancing from my friend because I needed some space. but after a while, I noticed they seem... happier without me. like, actually laughing and smiling more, they even started talking to a very cool person. and they even talk to other ppl in the group more often. so now I'm kinda isolating myself because well... i just want them to be happy. if being absent from their life is what will make them happier, ill do that. seems like I'm just a toxic person that drains everyone around them.",Personality disorder +50835,Internet addiction Anyone addicted to the internet like more then the rest of the world? Do you use it as coping mechanism?,Personality disorder +50836,,Personality disorder +50837,"How to cope with shame Hello, + +I guess we all share this feeling of shame following us all around. I can't remember much of my life but I can remember almost every time I've felt shame. And I did it a lot of times. So much that even moments of my life that I had been SA are flashing in my mind all day. But other memories are just plain shame, shame of what I did in a specific moment, shame of how I reacted, what I've said, shame on how I was dressed, the way my face looked. What I recognise is that these are stupid reasons to feel shame, and I think anyone neurotypical wouldn't even think is such a big thing. I even felt shame and guilt of breaking things (because anything material has more value than me) . I legit had a panic attack once after dropping a water glass, I wanted to hold the broken glass and squeeze it with my hands until I made them disappear... I can remember most of the times I broke things. + +&#x200B; + +How do you cope with these feelings coming to your mind in your daily life? When I remember one time, I start remembering the others, they are connected and so they come all together to me and make me feel that I will never delete those moments from existence, that they already happened, that there is no way I could live with those things that happened. I feel shame from myself all the time, but when those memories come to me I want to snap out of existence. I don't know how to deal with that. Thank you.",Personality disorder +50838,"its becoming impossible to keep avoiding my life without real consequences well, real consequences already happened, and i avoided facing the feelings that wouldve prevented them from happening + + +but now my parents are threatening putting me in a halfway home or making me live with them again, them saying they would sell the house, which utterly terrifies me + + +but in the face of how my life has gone, suicide is also a considerable option, tho not one i can follow through on (but its becoming easier to every day) + + +its amazing how the economy and life can utterly ruin people, isnt it + + +why is it so hard for me to speak in my own voice (oh right, the trauma) + + +its really hard to drag them out of it as their minds resemble mine far too much and mine resembles theirs far too much + + +the pain of having to get a job while also not even being able to be myself in real life is really depressing, i feel like just another person with unfulfilled dreams forced to grow up and accept reality",Personality disorder +50839,"Is there anyone else here who checks off all of the boxes for AvPD but can’t ever get officially diagnosed with it because your case just isn’t bad enough? I’m fairly certain I have avpd and have had so for the majority of my life. Like I have almost all of the symptoms down the the horrible childhood trauma that I experienced that started my downfall. Avpd is the only condition that I’ve been able to match up to down to a tee. I’ve went to therapy and discussed my issues, but it doesn’t seem like avpd is something I can ever officially get diagnosed with. + +While I’m fairly certain I have avpd, my case is more mild because it doesn’t completely shut down my life. I would consider myself with high functioning avpd. Since I was young, I’ve always been lonely and had to figure out life out on my own since I didn’t have my parents or a loving family to grow up with. As a result, out of necessity I had to be financially independent and look after myself. Working and going to college was a never an issue for me. Because of that I’ve been able to give myself a good career and more or less have an ok life. My avpd is most severe in my personal daily life away from work. It’s a daily struggle for me. I also match all of the social symptoms of avpd and live a life of loneliness because I can’t get myself out to meet people regularly. Can anyone else relate?",Personality disorder +50840,"AvPD, can be avoiding woman only? I wonder if avoiding woman can be AvPD? I have avoided woman almost my whole life, at some point in high school I liked a girl I talked to a bit. But never full got to know her because of paranoia, of not having a car or being able to provide for her in any way. It’s probably the only time I spoke with a girl. Mainly because I was invested in wanting to be with he, but was to afraid to be with her in a relationship. + +If AvPD is not only avoiding woman for my instance then I don’t understand AvPD.",Personality disorder +50841,"I haven't been diagnosed yet I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD but I think I may have this disorder. I was always an anxious child then in my teens I started taking panic attacks before any social situation but mainly before going to school, so I stopped going to school I just avoided it. I'm now nearly 30 and I've never held down a job for more than a couple of weeks and have dropped out of a few college courses due to having bad attendance. I feel like I now avoid anything that causes me the tiniest bit of stress by not leaving my house, sleeping and not letting anyone know about it. I then get really depressed and disappointed in my self. It just feels like an endless cycle of me not showing and getting down about. + +I'm just wondering how AvPD affects others and if there is anyone from the UK suffering from AvPD +Thanks",Personality disorder +50842,"How to deal with rejection when you have avpd? I feel like I'm dying, like there's a hole in my chest and thoughts make me feel like I'm falling in. I'm also having very negative thoughts, I'm realising I'm angry at myself for being vulnerable enough for this to happen to me. Please help if you've been through this...I see no hope. P.s I mean rejected after asking a girl out I've been talking to for months.",Personality disorder +50843,"I despise my mom ( 22m ) Pretty much the title - I just can't stand her, I never liked her ever since I was a little kid but for me that hate went much higher beyond it. + + +Just to clarify, I don't think she is the abusive type - more like the overcontrolling and overbearing type of mom - the type that when you make a mistake or fail to do as she asks ( even if it's just the order of the way I put things in their place ) she will scold and do it herself - even if those are MY things ( she isn't satisfied with the way I put my clothes in my wardrobe or when I don't do it immediately) and barely have any respect to my privacy - In the past she wouldn't even let me close my own door so my room was always open, even this days she complain when I don't leave a gap ( but on that case I don't give a fuck anymore and barely leaves any - not a door you can close easily ) and she would always complain about im not normal or like 'the other kids/people' because I don't act or do things they do, and I cant forget her 'what you gonna do with your life, play on the computer all day? ' speech which she does when she remembers she needs to get mad or moody for no reason. + +Im afraid of embarrassing myself in public, im afraid of even doing some of the basic stuff because I don't think I can do it or I'll make a clown out of myself - and it always comes back to how I was never really taught how to control my own life and be independent - even in the few times she did taught me anything she would still eventually take control and it doesn't make me motivated to even try. one of the reasons I eat in my room is because I just don't want to be around her because I will always get criticized for something - my beard ( which no one taught me how to do it, and my dad lives abroad ) , my ears, my hair, my clothes - everything. She always tries to pick things for me to wear and while today i do wear whatever I want regardless of her opinion/picks I still remember that when I was younger she would be upset and mad if I didn't wear what she wanted me to wear ( and she still kinda give the bitch look but as I said - I still wear what I wear ) and the judgement doesn't stop at that. Her favorite habit is that on events and gatherings she would always whisper in my ear what's wrong me in the moment - could be anything from noticing something dirty or not to her eyes that no gives a fuck about, the way I behave ( WhY YoU ARe NoT SmiLing ) and all other type of shit to make me lose confidence or be overly aware of my problems. She would always try to buy me stuff I don't want or asked to get and would always expect me to thank her even if sometimes she was the one that was pressuring me to get something. + +When I think about all of this ( and other stuff ) I understand why im so incompetent, afraid of making mistakes or embarrassing myself and stuck in that avoident and depressive mind set. It's not all her - there are things I probably could've done myself ( and still can do ) and even without her the competitive and soulless society most of us are part of just adds a lot to the way we end up - and still - she has a part in why my life fucking sucks - and now I need to find a way to get back on track somehow. + +Also, today I pretty much snapped at her in an unrelated case which eventually also happened because of all those feelings I stored inside. I don't talk to her and tbh it's such a good feeling. + +P.S : if there was another post made by me that's titled the same blame my stupid phone for this XD. Im also sorry for possible grammar mistakes - don't mind someone fixin them.",Personality disorder +50844,"I don't know what to do anymore I'm so tired. I'm so bored. i don't do anything. I am not capable of doing anything. Everytime I try, i fail. I mess up. I cannot do anything. I cannot do anything right. I want to disappear. I cannot stand this.",Personality disorder +50845,"Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls +This is a throwaway account. People on social media always say I’m trying to get attention but wtf is wrong with that? I don’t know for sure if I have avpd but I think I do I can’t pay for therapy I live with my mom and I hate her I’m 18 can’t drive alone I always get in crashes or get a ticket sometimes I speed because I’m mad at my uncle. I have a job but I dropped out of school because I don’t care and I have so much trauma from everything in my childhood. And anyway nothing matters now except being famous that’s all I want I just have no idea why in real life I avoid people but online I have a girlfriend and I’m obsessed with her it scares me sometimes because I can’t stop thinking about her and if she broke up with me I don’t think I could take it I’ve only met her once in real life but it doesn’t matter I talk to her all the time but the most important thing is that she talks to me and she’s obsessed with me so I need her. I think I deserve to be famous more than anyone else because I’ve been through so much and also I feel like I’m better than most people something about me is different and I’m special . Can someone dm me to talk more about this? I need to know why I want to be famous and how can I get famous? Also is it possible to have avpd and want to be famous?",Personality disorder +50846,"Societal Standards Not sure if this is just me but the more I self reflect the more i realize that im unhealthily antisocial but ok with that until i feel societal pressure to be different. Ive always been a loner and i can be like that ALL the time but the only time i feel shameful of that is when im around other people who aren’t like that and find it weird. It’s almost like one part of me desires companionship and being more friendly because that’s what you need for a “happy life” (apparently) but putting myself out there never satisfies me. Having friends just stresses me out and makes me deeply insecure there’s literally no satisfaction I get from it. I guess I’m deeply unhealthy but I love to isolate and can’t relate to others and feel insecure about it, like I wish I could be in the standard of what’s normal but I’m also really addicted to unhealthy habits. Do I sound crazy 😭 it’s hard to put into words how I feel but it’s like I’m so closed off and avoidant around people and get stressed about societal pressures but am ok with my unhealthy isolation until I realize other people don’t live their lives like that. I don’t want to miss out but find it hard to change. I guess my behavior isn’t normal but trying to fit in just makes my anxiety so bad. Hopefully somebody understands what I mean. 😭 I think this is just how it is when your mentality ill for a long period of time.",Personality disorder +50847,"Anhedonia Do you have anhedonia / lack of strong emotions? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11px78z)",Personality disorder +50848,"Conversations Anybody else feel like they don’t have the natural ability to have good conversations? + +Whenever I’m having a conversation with strangers, I’m often pretty quiet and I don’t know what to say (unless it’s work related or something I’m really familiar with). I think this is normal with society anxiety though + +But whenever I have conversations with a group of people I’m comfortable with, like my family, I feel like I suck at having conversations. If it’s about a topic I don’t care about, I always zone out or stare at out the window. If it’s about a topic I’m interested in, it’s so hard to wait my turn to talk. I feel so impatient to wait my turn (I can wait but it stresses me out and it’s hard to jump in sometimes). It feels like I’m going to forget what I was going to say or they’ll change the topic before I can talk. And then when I talk, I feel like people don’t really care about what I have to say. My family always talks over me or focus on what the person said before me. They never remember what I say either in the future compared to what my siblings say. It feels like a chore to have conversations, sometimes it’s just easier to stay quiet and fade into the background. + +Anybody relate",Personality disorder +50849,Could you change and get better through lots of effort ? If I made the effort to challenge myself everyday could I eventually change and maybe even get rid of my AvPD ? So tired of living like this and I’m still young so hopefully it’s possible…,Personality disorder +50850,,Personality disorder +50851,"How to not hurt peoples feelings I think I’m doing better at socializing than before but after a big socialization day I get so worn out from all the effort it takes that I need a recovery day where I literally don’t interact with anyone or else I start shutting down. + +However society does not work on my schedule and so obviously I can’t always have a recovery. When I’m socially overwhelmed I tend to give short answers and seem super aloof, disinterested, monotone etc. sometimes people take this personally even though it has nothing to do with them, I’m just worn out. + +Usually with strangers it doesn’t matter that much because I’ll never meet them again, but with my friends or partner it can be hard. They obviously care about me and start asking, “are you mad at me? Am I annoying? Etc.” and that kind of stuff is really irritating because it requires some level of delicacy by saying “you as a person are not annoying, but I’m just really irritated right now for reasons other than you, and you are exacerbating it. But it is not your fault and there’s no reason you would’ve known this” Like I wish I could just say that but literally nothing comes out of my mouth. I can’t manage anything other than a tiny whimper of a “no…” because I at least want to preserve their feelings. + +My partner especially gets insecure and frequently asks me “are you mad at me, do you hate me, am I annoying” somewhat in jest but also to an extent it’s a reflection of real insecurities I know she has told me about. I can’t handle navigating those questions when I’m socially overstimulated but I don’t want to make her insecure worse either. I know a relationship is a two way street but I always feel like a burden for my emotions and needs :-( + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +50852,"Do you have goals? I realised that I never really had (or was aware) of life goals or dreams I had. I think this is why I don't really feel like a person and so different from others. And why I never let anyone get close to me, otherwise they would realise how different I am and distance themselves. + +Do you have dreams and goals? Have you ever had them, maybe as kids?",Personality disorder +50853,"I feel like I’ve missed out on my teenage years It’s so depressing to think people have spent all these years going out with their friends and partying whilst I was just on my own in my room. I’ve always had barely any friends and never been in a relationship or had a paid job, I only managed to start doing a few hours a week voluntary work a few months ago. I watch the people around me do exciting things and make new friends and get partners whilst I’m just here bored, alone and depressed as usual. It doesn’t help that later this year I’ll move away from this town for university and I’ll probably never see most of the people I’ve spent years wanting to be friends or more with but been too scared to talk to again. It feels like this phase of my life is really slipping through my fingers and I have no time to repair it. I try to tell myself at least I have the future where I could become better and make the next phases of my life better than this one but in reality I know that I’ve just been declining for years so I doubt that very much.",Personality disorder +50854,"did a bunch of dxm yesterday and I realized that the reason I'm like this is that I've viewed other people as threats my whole life. Ever since I was little I've implicitly assumed that other people want to hurt me until and unless I have incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. I have no idea why I'm like this. It sounds like something someone who was abused would write, but I wasn't. My parents were nice and caring. I just came out wrong somehow lmao. I had nothing to be afraid of and yet I was terrified of everything :(",Personality disorder +50855,"I went to the gym!! I just thought I would share a good thing. + +I have been trying to go to the gym for a while. I would drive to the parking lot, then turn around and go home. Today I went in, and walked on the treadmill! I feel so happy about it. + +Especially after I got the courage to go to church a few weeks ago, after missing 3 years, and saw someone very triggering and had a melt down for the rest of the day. It made me feel there might be no point in doing things, if it is just going to lead to feeling sad and stressed.",Personality disorder +50856,"I went to a party! I actually went to a garden party! There were tiny sandwiches, a bunch of fruit, and little cracker plates with meats and cheeses. I actually felt comfortable the whole time! + +I've been on some medicine these past few weeks (I can't remember the name) and I think they may actually be working. I still get depressed and/or anxious around the night time or when I'm not doing something. I just have to keep myself busy and I'll be okay. + +But about the party. I knew almost everyone there, I've known them for a long time now and they're closer to me than my family. I helped set up the party so I didn't feel like I wasn't being useful, I took my time this morning in making sure I looked presentable, and of course I showed up early just in case. + +The party lasted about an hour and a half, and I even got to talk with some of the people there! + + +Today is just a great day so far, and (not if but) when things start to go back down to normal, I hope I don't forget that I was able to be happy today. + +I know progress can jump forward just as much as it falls back, but I'm going to celebrate today as progress!",Personality disorder +50857,"don't be like me (little rant) I was a college freshman at the beginning of covid. I was just your stereotypical introverted/ quiet guy who also struggled in social situations. Covid gave me THE perfect excuse to avoid anything stressful. Don't have to go to class, don't have to meet anybody, everyday I just drowned myself in entertainment. Eventually I dropped out of class and basically became a shut in. + +Fast forward to a couple years later. I have no idea how time went by so fast. Everyone is all grown up and busy, people keep asking about how I'm doing at school, and everytime I lie to my parents that yeah I'm going to school, I did good on my exams, I'm about to graduate etc. It's so fucking unfair to my parents that I turned out to be such a piece of shit. + +I hate what I've become, just lies and avoidance. When I'm actually motivated to do something, I'm then immediately reminded by the reality that no matter what I do I still wasted all these years of my adulthood, that I'm still betraying my parents' expectations, that nothing I do is going to undo all the damage I did to myself. + +I'm a mess. I have no hobbies I can share with normal people, I have no humor because I don't have any experience in the real world, I can't make my family happy because I don't even like myself and it shows. + +Sorry for the rant, sometimes you take a step back and really look at the situation you put yourself in and it's unbearable. Why didn't I try harder at school? Why didn't I tell my parents the truth? Facing all these fears, I chose the easy way. And it is clearly the wrong choice, otherwise I wouldn't be suffering this much now. + +If you're reading this I hope you can learn not to be like me. Avoidance is hell.",Personality disorder +50858,"AITA if I don't want to take a 10 Hour road trip with my friend to go have coffee with our other friend? + +Long story short as possible we've been ""best"" friends for almost 30 years. They both moved away from our home town over ten years ago. Now the one who lives 15+ hours away is coming for a few weeks in the summer and she wants to drive to see the one who lives a little over five hours away. He only has the day to visit. + +I am not on vacation, in fact, she's coming during a time I can't really take",Personality disorder +50859,"Nobody Knows It But Me ""Like a clown I put on a show +The pain is real even if nobody knows +Now I'm cryin' inside and nobody knows it but me"" + + The lyrics from the song “Nobody knows” by Tony Rich Project has always really stuck with me. It illustrated perfectly how I’d felt for such a long time. It hit me like a load of bricks how beautifully it described that feeling. A feeling that I’d struggled so much to put into words was put so simply, and it brings tears to my eyes even now. How sad it is that only You would know this feeling and nobody could relate. It's a tragic love song actually but some lines of the song just resonate with me as someone with AVP. + +[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf0BA5I-A9I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf0BA5I-A9I)",Personality disorder +50860,"Looking inside I am an avoidant diagnosed, 30. I got high and looked inside my reality of my concept of self, I wrote down what i actually am inside. Felt like tearing into the layers of characters I built over the base of immaturity or even aware of a concept of such. + + + +Felt like a young boy with undiagnosed issues of maturity. Like a man child ugly and unresolved petty character. + +Outwardly pretending to grown but inwardly hardly even close to a understanding the concept of growth + +The gap is hugely unfilled between my physical age and the inner development. + +The concept of even self feels unexplained + +I have some yong age attachment issues that are manifested in my personality. + +My interaction with people is so shallow with no depth, not in a negative outlook, but that of a unprocessed thought of self + + +I am hardly maintaining to keep a distorted adult character on my face, I have not understood anything of heartfelt, feel good emotions as I haven't even dwelled on it and just brush it off rather to even process as mature person. + + +I just didn't realise that I have actually bypassed all this ages without feeling anything natural maturity that one goes through.",Personality disorder +50861,"I wish I never existed I feel like my whole existence is a failure. +I want to connect but I can‘t. I‘ve always been way too boring for others. It‘s been a bit hard lately. + +The only people I ever really connected with are people that are supposed to be authority figures (therapist and a teacher). So they kind of have to put up with me. I mean, my +therapist gets paid to talk to people. Besides that, he probably has hundreds of other clients. He‘ll probably be glad if I left, one less complicated issue to take care of. If I left, he and no one else would remember me anyways. But I honestly don‘t want to be forgotten. It hurts. + +I‘ve never spent time with people in my childhood. I was the weird gay kid, the f word. The one that gets picked last in PE class and has always been shorter and weaker than other guys. We once visited my cousins when I was very young. My father got along so much better with my cousins, who are all more boyish than I was. I was quiet and boring. My mother told me her dream +was to be a grandmother. Why else would anyone want a child? She definitely didn‘t win in the lottery because I‘m as gay as they come. + +I almost never spend time with my family, I was too young to remember my actual first holiday. It has always been just my +room and I. How am I not supposed to be hurt that the only people I enjoy talking to are people I will never spend time with outside of their job? It feels so unfair. I wish I could end it all sometimes but I don‘t want anyone to find my corpse, probably traumatizing them. + +Once again I‘m probably only doing this because deep down I want pity. But this is my only emotional outlet right now.",Personality disorder +50862,,Personality disorder +50863,"Where to stay during summer holidays? (1-2 months Europe) I'm looking for some ideas or thoughts, every holiday since childhood (I'm 26 now) I spent in my hometown living with my parents who used to be pretty abusive. Despite them now trying to do better I still think it's not healthy for me to be there for 3 months straight but idk what to do. +I got no friends or relationship (duh) and I only finished highschool. I don't mind strangers seeing me too much, I mainly struggle with seeing someone regularly. I got few thousands saved since I never used to spend money on anything. I'm not thinking about travelling, rather renting something in nature and staying in one place for a month or two. I was thinking maybe look for an animal shelter job in my country but I doubt they'll hire me for a month, on the other hand I'm afraid I'll be completely bored. Do yall have any thoughts about that or have you done sth similar?",Personality disorder +50864,"Does zoloft help? I used zoloft for 5 days a month ago - didn't feel a thing except an even deader libido, and worse sleep. Just wondering if any of you felt easier on it during longer periods, does it help with physical intimacy phobia and other anxiety attacks, panic, etc? I'm going to the gym and plan on doing steroids just to shoot my confidence and libido up, hoping it takes care of everything, but taking zoloft while doing that might be counterproductive. Just wondering if some of you had luck with ADs, or maybe anabolic steroids?",Personality disorder +50865,"Has anyone figured out how to detach from wanting love? I’m tired of wanting love. I get the courage to ask a girl out only to get shot down. I can kind of talk up people one on one but in groups I freeze. + +When you’re in a relationship, you have to form relationships with their friends and family. But that seem nearly impossible. + +Has anyone figured out how to happily detach? The only relationships I can seem to find are with women with BPD. This always leads me to ruining my life and taking 5 years to start over.",Personality disorder +50866,"Don't know how much longer I can take the loneliness I haven't had a bf or been intimate with a guy in 10 years. I can't fend off the feeling of desperate loneliness anymore. I've been trying Tinder for the 2nd time (used it for a brief period last year but never really talked to anyone before uninstalling) and have been forcing myself to put in an effort - responding to messages and messaging first. But it hasn't been going well...there were a few guys who I thought I was hitting it off with, but they all stopped responding to me eventually. The last one hurt the most because I had gathered up the courage to ask him to meet me. I don't know what I did wrong, I thought things were going ok, we had been chatting regularly for a little more than a week. I messaged him again this morning to let him know I was available today if he wanted to see me, and he still didn't get back to me and probably never will. + +I'm devastated right now. I was so happy about talking with this guy a few days ago and now I'm back to being as lonely as ever. Another lonely Friday night...I don't know how much more of it I can take. I don't know if I want to keep trying if it's just gong to be constant rejection. It seems inevitable, I screw everything up and drive people away with my shitty personality, I shouldn't even be surprised this happened but it still hurts so much :(",Personality disorder +50867,,Personality disorder +50868,"Anyone else fantasize about being a part of a community, but ghost it when given the opportunity? I can't count how many times I've begun to integrate into a new social setting, only to ghost it all without a word because of the anxiety of unspoken social expectations.",Personality disorder +50869,,Personality disorder +50870,Are there any small group chats? Aside from this big discord one?,Personality disorder +50871,"What I see on Instagram IS real -- and it's killing me inside (A self-pitying post for your viewing pleasure) ""Stop self harming by stalking people yada yada yada"" -- *I know!!!!* I know I know better! + +BUT. + +I'm sick of being told ""they only show the happy moments."" No shit. But they *have* happy moments. They have adventures with friends that they post every other week, or even just every month, and some of them even post every week or more. I'm in my early 20s and so many people I went to high school with are traveling the world before they're tied down with more responsibilities and their bodies fall apart (mine already is...). Not because they're rich but because they're simply financially *comfortable* and have *connections* with people (social skills). And because they're not afraid to take risks. And because they've *built a life* for themselves, an identity, since early on in high school, maybe even earlier, which makes doing all of this feel normal to them, makes it all so much easier for them. + +And if they're not traveling, they're still going on smaller adventures with friends and gfs/bfs. Or they're performing in a band at local venues (and they're actually good now). Or they're about to graduate college. Envy kills me. + +I'm so fucked up, I took a ""gap year"" to figure out what I want to do with my life only to drop out of an overpriced community college this year because I still feel too directionless. + +And I know I could have at least a small chance at what these people have if only I would get off my ass instead of sulking. I actually just checked (more like *stalked* because I'm not following any of these people) Instagram for the first time in months. Hurt even more than it did the last time. And in those months where I stopped looking at their lives, did mine improve? Did pretending they aren't living happy, fulfilling lives by avoiding their social media posts altogether make my life any better? Contrary to what every mental-health-guru-genius on Reddit claims: no, it didn't make my life any better. I'm still stuck. I try my hardest every day and I'm still stuck. + +Sure. I've finally had a job at this point in my life (retail, but I snapped and quit). I can drive now, though I hate it. I can go by the mall by myself and do some shopping, not that I have money to spend. And yet it's nothing. It means nothing because it's not enough. Not enough for society and not enough to make me feel fulfilled because it means nothing without other people.",Personality disorder +50872,"Being vulnerable sucks I opened up to coworkers about being bisexual, and it feels AWFUL feeling so vulnerable and exposed. It feels really bad giving people ammo to judge you. But I took a big risk opening up to them, in hopes it brings us closer. We'll see how it pays off, but right now it feels super uncomfortable.",Personality disorder +50873,"The Strip Club pt.II This is in response to another post about the strip club. Anyway, my friend took me and paid for a lap dance. + +From this experience I learned something. I don't think it's for me. In fact, I think I'm a sexless sort of entity, like a fungus or a germ. + +The part on stage was super awkward. I ended up trying to put money into the stripper's fat roll because I was too nervous to find the strap. (Are you feeling my cringe?) + +Then there's the fact that she spent a lot of time putting her butt in my face. So the thought of buttholes was just ever present and killed the mood for me. I was also hyper aware of my face and trying to either keep a straight face or ""look impressed""/ ""don't give away that I'm not feeling it."" + +Then, my friend insisted on buying that same lady for the lap dance. I was trying to politely say ""no"" but he didn't understand. Also, he bought two or three... Anyway, she kept grinding up on me. Now, another poster here told me that nobody would be paying attention to whether or not you become... ""aroused."" But trust me, she noticed. And she seemed kind of mad about it. And I ended up being depressed because I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong with me. I mean, not even a twitch. + +I was so relieved when it was over. And I don't think I'm ever going back. Good learning experience, I guess.",Personality disorder +50874,"Anyone have a low-confidence anxiety-driven mom? Having a caretaker that herself demonstrated anxiety -- at least when I was 5 years old or older, was a major problem for me. + +Her crying and certain angry responses to distress really messed me up, I think. + +Her low level of confidence, relative to my dad -- though, even my dad is low in emotional intelligence. + +It is only now that I realize that it had a negative impact on me.",Personality disorder +50875,"What comorbidities do you all have? I have AvPD BPD and major depression myself. + +I was wondering what you deal with in your daily lives.",Personality disorder +50876,"I think I made a mistake So, a couple of days ago I opened up about my anxiety and all the mental struggles I deal with, to a friend. Now I feel like I over shared and feel guilty by doing so. I feel vulnerable whenever I am with him like I can't hide behind a mask. It feels so scary when you feel like they will also leave you eventually because they see the real you.",Personality disorder +50877,"Anyone scarred by 1 period in their life? For me, it was High School. Just forgetting it and realizing that I will not carry those people along with me for the rest of my life has been such a boon. + +Those were just a random assemblage of people thrown at me. Nothing less, nothing more. + +They don't matter to me anymore.",Personality disorder +50878,"Asked ChatGPT to list 100 behavior Patterns that individuals with AVPD may do + +Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is a mental health condition characterized by feelings of extreme shyness, fear of criticism or rejection, low self-esteem, and avoidance of social situations. Here are 100 common behavior patterns that individuals with AVPD may exhibit: + +1. Avoiding social situations and events +2. Feeling uncomfortable or anxious in social situations +3. Being excessively self-conscious +4. Being overly sensitive to criticism or rejection +5. Having a fear of negative evaluation +6. Having a tendency to isolate oneself +7. Feeling inadequate or inferior to others +8. Having difficulty making and keeping friends +9. Having difficulty expressing emotions +10. Having difficulty establishing intimate relationships +11. Having a fear of being ridiculed or humiliated +12. Having a fear of disapproval +13. Being overly concerned with what others think of them +14. Avoiding eye contact +15. Having difficulty initiating conversations +16. Being passive or submissive +17. Being excessively cautious or hesitant +18. Being preoccupied with the possibility of failure +19. Being overly self-critical +20. Having a fear of being embarrassed +21. Having a fear of being judged +22. Having a fear of being rejected +23. Having a fear of being abandoned +24. Having a fear of intimacy +25. Having difficulty trusting others +26. Having difficulty asserting oneself +27. Being overly dependent on others for approval +28. Being overly sensitive to the moods and feelings of others +29. Being overly sensitive to rejection or criticism +30. Being overly sensitive to perceived slights +31. Feeling like an outsider +32. Feeling like they don't fit in +33. Having a low sense of self-worth +34. Being overly self-critical +35. Being overly perfectionistic +36. Being overly cautious +37. Being overly anxious +38. Being excessively self-conscious +39. Having a tendency to avoid eye contact +40. Having a tendency to avoid confrontation +41. Having a tendency to avoid conflict +42. Having difficulty speaking up for oneself +43. Having difficulty expressing opinions +44. Having difficulty saying ""no"" +45. Having difficulty making decisions +46. Feeling overwhelmed by new situations +47. Feeling anxious in unfamiliar situations +48. Being uncomfortable in group settings +49. Being uncomfortable in crowds +50. Being uncomfortable with strangers +51. Being uncomfortable with physical touch +52. Feeling like they are being judged or evaluated by others +53. Feeling like they are being watched or scrutinized +54. Feeling like they are being criticized or judged unfairly +55. Being overly self-conscious about appearance +56. Being overly concerned with appearance +57. Feeling like they are not good enough +58. Feeling like they are not deserving of love or attention +59. Having a tendency to ruminate on past events +60. Having a tendency to dwell on mistakes +61. Having a tendency to worry excessively +62. Feeling like they are not capable of handling new challenges +63. Feeling like they are not capable of handling stress +64. Feeling like they are not capable of handling success +65. Having difficulty accepting compliments +66. Feeling uncomfortable with praise +67. Having difficulty with public speaking +68. Being uncomfortable with attention +69. Having difficulty with authority figures +70. Having difficulty with criticism +71. Feeling like they are not understood by others +72. Feeling like they are not appreciated by others +73. Feeling like they are not respected by others +74. Having difficulty making eye contact with authority figures +75. Having difficulty standing up to authority figures +76. Feeling like they are not taken seriously by others +77. Feeling like they are not valued by others +78. Feeling like they are not heard by others +79. Having difficulty with change +80. Being resistant to change +81. Having difficulty adapting to new situations +82. Feeling uncomfortable with uncertainty +83. Having a tendency to avoid taking risks +84. Having a tendency to stay in familiar, safe situations +85. Being overly dependent on routines +86. Being overly attached to familiar people, places, or objects +87. Feeling uncomfortable with spontaneity +88. Feeling uncomfortable with surprises +89. Having difficulty with assertiveness +90. Feeling uncomfortable with conflict resolution +91. Feeling uncomfortable with negotiation +92. Having difficulty with decision-making +93. Being indecisive +94. Being easily influenced by others +95. Being overly accommodating +96. Being overly apologetic +97. Being overly deferential +98. Feeling like they are a burden to others +99. Feeling like they are a disappointment to others +100. Feeling like they are invisible or insignificant. + +It's important to note that not everyone with Avoidant Personality Disorder exhibits all of these behavior patterns, and some people may exhibit different behavior patterns depending on the situation or context. Additionally, these behavior patterns can vary in severity and frequency from person to person.",Personality disorder +50879,"Is it common for people with AvPD to have a specific preference in friendship and to feel more comfortable around a certain type of people? I know that not all people with AvPD have friends or want friends. For those who made friends in the past or want to make friends with others, do they (or you) have a preference in people they (you) feel more comfortable with being around and with being/becoming friends with them? What did those people have in common?",Personality disorder +50880,"I took public transit today. After not being able to step foot out of the house without my ex driving me, I finally was able to step up and go on public transit by myself. + +It’s been 2 years since I’ve taken the bus. I honestly did not know what I was doing- but I asked the drivers for help and directions as to which bus to get on next etc etc… + +Social anxiety was at an all time high and still is, writing this on the way home. So many people are on this bus and the only thing I’m thinking about is “when do I get home” and “why are they looking at me”. + +Realistically they’re looking at me because people have eyes and observe what’s in front of them, and scolding myself that they don’t have hidden agendas is helping lol. + +For anyone who hasn’t been able to take public transit because of this stupid fucking difficult disorder, I sympathize. It gets easier. + +Don’t have much to say, just wanted to share bc this is a massive achievement for me.",Personality disorder +50881,"At this point I don’t think there’s anything in this world that can cure this innate sense of loneliness inside me. Am I destined to be like this forever? +Relationships seem pointless, and I don’t know if I could even handle being in one anyway. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and I don’t know how to be anything else. I’ve never even had a crush on an actual person. It sounds conceited but nobody I’ve met is interesting to me in that way, and I feel like if I gave someone a chance I’d just end up breaking their heart because of this nothingness inside me. Right now I can’t even imagine myself being intimate with anyone, and I feel like I’m not emotionally available enough to have someone rely on me like that. They’d probably end up feeling more like a burden to me more than anything, and I don’t want to do that to anyone. + +I really hope one day I’m wrong and I’ll meet someone that makes me feel a little more human, but I don’t have much hope.",Personality disorder +50882,"I get very down when people don't include me socially, but But, I don't even wanna get to know them at all? It's like, I'll get sad and feel like no one wants to be around me and I'm excluded a lot. I'm never the first choice. But if I actually get it my way and get included and someone try to befriend me, I suddenly lose interest and change my mind. It's very annoying. I know I actually don't wanna befriend anyone right now, but I get sad when I'm excluded or not chosen regardless. I wish I could be more careless. + +I know why this is tho. Because if they actually show interest in befriending me and they find me pleasant to be around I will get kinda overexcited and will be with them at all times, and sometimes that scares people away. It's either I avoid people like the plague or I get too attached. Both is equally as bad tbh. + +But, I can't help but feel sad when I see people get along so well so easily and so fast, while I'm sitting by myself. There's times I starve, not on purpose, but because I don't wanna sit in the cafeteria at school. Where do I even sit. This week I've only eaten two pizza slices and some candy, also drank some chocolate milk. I just don't wanna be around anyone. I managed to grab some dinner from the cafeteria earlier tho (I live on campus). + +I have two years left of my time at school and I'm trying to just force myself through it all. I know I won't get better and I can't try as much as I would like, but I know I'll go back to being avoidant the second something goes wrong. I can be the most friendliest person you've ever met and be lively and bubbly, but the very second someone shows the most minuscule sign they don't enjoy being around me, I start to go into avoidant mode. I'll lock myself up in my room and go offline from all social medias, play games all day, appetite depletes and all that stuff. It can last for months. + +Well anyways, that was just a little rant if you will. I don't have anyone to talk to obviously and thought maybe someone here would understand and relate. At least it helps a little",Personality disorder +50883,"I’d rather be alone than feel like this Went on a date a week ago (for the first time in years). Normally I am not attracted to people, but this time I felt super attracted to this person. Good talks and the whole day we spent together. We had sex, but I did not sleep at that person’s place bc that’s too intimate for me (I see sex a something purely physical, but sleeping is too scary for me). However that person didn’t text me for a week, so I texted to ask to go to a concert with a mutual friend. Still no response (for 2 days). I feel so insecure and rejected and it confirms the negative view I already have about myself. I really would like to have a relationship and fall in love, but even dating makes me feel so worthless, ugly, stupid and anxious (even after one date). Sorry for the vent but this is the only place I feel I can share this. Other people say that I just need to relax, stop overreacting and stop being insecure and blablabla. That’s why I never share these feelings with people",Personality disorder +50884,"People have tendency telling me their mental health problems There were few people who I just get to know and they almost instantly were like “I have this mental illness/disorder that I am stalking people I know”, I was thinking like “oh, okay, thanks for telling me”. + +I don’t know why people do that, do I look like some mental health professional or psychiatrist? 🤷‍♂️",Personality disorder +50885,"My dog is teaching me just how destructive my mum was for me growing up and now. The other day my mum left the house and my dog had zoomies. I thought; how strange. Maybe she is glad she has me all to herself. + +Then I became aware that all the tension went out the door with her. + +I've been so isolated with only my mum as 'company' that I forgot how different, kind and cool other people can be. I'd become a bit of a misanthrope. However on walks I've met some really genuine and good people. It was shocking., I couldn't believe it. It's making me realise how harmful being in constant contact with my mother {who is extremely toxic} is for my affiliation with humans. + +I can't wait to move away from her. Maybe I'm not doomed to be alone.",Personality disorder +50886,"I just realised I don't seem to make friends Soooo...I'm 44 years old. I have a group of about 15 friends in my home town (in another state to where I live), but 14 of them I did not make. ALL of those 14 were made by my best friend back in school (who I befriended at age 14), who is quite outgoing. And then we just had this friendship group which started at 4 and then eventually grew, and I count them all as my friends, but I never actually made any of them myself. + +I made not a single friend in university. I made 2 friends at my first job when I was 22, but we never saw each other outside the workplace and I haven't heard from them in 20 years, since I left there. + +I made 2 friends at a subsequent workplace when I was about 30, but one kind of kept trying to be my friend SO insistently that eventually I gave in, and she was fun and nice, but I haven't seen her for over 10 years. The other one I realised later was my Favourite Person / FP (BPD lingo), and that is the only reason I was interested enough to want to get to know her and want her to get to know me. I had a platonic crush on her. Even so, after 2 years, my interest fizzled and I haven't heard from her since, also about 10 years ago. + +Then, when I was 40, I made a friend here in my building (she lives in my home town most of the year but has a place here too), and she became my Favourite Person, which again, is why I let her in and we became close. Again, my feelings of attraction fizzled after about 2 years and we're still friends, but I hardly see her as she doesn't live here most of the time. + +So, I feel like my friends are all mainly made via my original friend, who I made at age 14. And now, 30 years later...I still don't really have any friends and haven't really made any. + +Is that weird?",Personality disorder +50887,"Is it okay to appear rude to others? I find it extremely anxiety inducing to be disliked, and appearing rude or non caring elicits this reaction from others. + +The funny thing is, I am continually, day after day, in my attempts not to appear this way, am this way. I don't give solid eye contact to others, mere glances, I hide myself away in plain sight with poor, meek body language, I carry myself without confidence to avoid interactions. + +All in vain attempts of appearing, in my delusional mind, 'nice'. It is so self destructive, you essentially let people walk over you, ignore you, in some desire to be liked. By people who dislike you, will come to dislike you as a result of your behaviours, or simply horrible people who you wouldn't want to like you. + +Let me give an example, of what I'm thinking. + +You're shopping for groceries, you want to look at a shelf which is currently occupied by someone else, you need something on that shelf, like a tin of food or something. Usually I will see this and think 'oh my god, don't want them to know I need something there' heavens forbid if they see me, what will they think? So I quickly change direction and pretend to look at other items until they move. +So, instead, why not stand in their shadow, and wait patiently, let your presence be seen, in an ideal world, ask them to make space if you know exactly what you need but that would come when you're more confident? So yes, stand next to them, and don't budge, just let them know non verbally, you're waiting. + +Another example, you're at the cashier, they're doing your items, I always look everywhere but where I need to look, I lose focus on what I should be looking at, which is the items I'm paying for, the cashiers eyes in case they're trying to communicate something. And what if they say something, small talk for instance, well maybe I'm not in the mood to pursue further small talk, so why not just give closed answers, why do I feel the need to fill the silences, to say whatever I can to appear 'normal'. I come across as flustered, shy, unconfident, I see it in their faces, they see the fear, they see the disgust on my face believing I'm a wrongin or something but it's really just negativity brewing inside of me of being in such a anxiety inducing situation that causes these expressions on my face, then they mirror it. And I think awful things about myself. +So why not stay calmer, speak slower, not try and have a positive small talk experience, just take things at my own pace. Otherwise I leave feeling utterly embarrassed, ashamed, and the next time I shop there and there my cashier they're going to hate that I'm there. As opposed to being more stoic and less nervously chatty. + +I'm rambling a bit, losing focus on my words, sorry but some of that probably doesn't make sense. I hope you get the type of rude I'm talking about. It's not purposefully being rude. It's more, being true to yourself, being comfortable in your own body and standing up to be counted as an equal. Something I avoid. + +Any ideas or experiences, suggestions on these niche topic please?",Personality disorder +50888,"Are you pseudonymously famous irl? How did it impact you? Did you get famous through writing, blogging or designing etc online? + +How did you deal with it? + +How did it make you feel?",Personality disorder +50889,"DAE feel like they're not their age This might be silly questions to ask but does anyone else feel like they're younger than their actual age? Like their mindset is younger than the age that they are? + +I'm guessing it's maybe due to lack of social interactions with people in the same age group but i just want to know if anyone else feels like this",Personality disorder +50890,"The hole I'm in is deep, not sure I can get out I've always had a good amount of self-awareness but with that, I can see the depth of problems. I know the minimum depth and it is already potentially too much. My ability to change is not as much now, my brain is not set up for normal life. I've become institutionalized. I'm past 30yo, I can't relate to average people, I'm cynical of most, and the ones I'm not cynical of want nothing to do with me.",Personality disorder +50891,"What the hell do I do, lmao? I'm a mental cripple. I'm 25 years old, and I missed all the formative experiences in my life. Relationships, kissing, having sex. Dogshit family + 12 years of bullying, and this is what's left. Legit, what the fuck lmao? And you know what's funny? I realized this couple of months ago. I legit had NO IDEA that I had it insanely bad up until now. Drunk friend got on top of me, we made out, she started undressing, and I legit just stared at her BLANK. Had no idea what to do, why she would do that, and what to think. That's when it hit me. I'm an absolute social failure. I can never initiate anything, I never talk about emotions, and now I truly understand the only way I'll ever have sex is by getting raped. That's it. I CAN'T EVEN RETURN A FUCKING HUG! I don't want to be like this. I'm fucking 25 already. I legit didn't care about any of that until I realized how nice a kiss felt. I can only imagine what sex feels like. I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate I'll never get to be with someone because all I can do is shut inside myself, and cry from a distance. Funny thing is I'm fit and average looking, with a way above average salary. But it's all useless when I have absolutely 0 social skills. Fuck my parents and fuck my bullies. I can't go back in the past. I will always be like this. I already missed on my youth. It's legit not fair.",Personality disorder +50892,,Personality disorder +50893,"Do therapists even understand AVPD? I generally like my therapist. I think he's the best one I've found so far. But today's session just proved that he doesn't understand. And I admit that my inability to open up is a barrier to make much progress. But I heard the same generic advice....go out. Meet people. Do something fun. And that's not BAD advice. Probably should do that. But the problem is, every time I go out, I feel anxious, self-conscious, and ashamed. I don't even think I have social anxiety. Shy but not on that level. I can handle BRIEF, infrequent, surface level conversations. Anything more than that is a no-go. So I seem more outgoing than I am. And it's like he focuses on my lack of relationships so that's what I bring up. I think it's because he's a solution-focused therapist, and he doesn't seem too concerned about the past/understanding one's self. Just do it pretty much. CBT. Opposite of feeling action. Which is all true. But honestly, I isolate because I'm depressed. Which is why I don't maintain relationships or want to put myself out there. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what my problem is. I'm just over it. Older, seasoned avpd-ers if that's a thing, any advice for me? Should I stick therapy out or just forget it? He's like the 3rd long-term ish therapist I've been with, and I don't want to dump him out the blue like all the rest.",Personality disorder +50894,"Paralyzed with choice I know I should just message, should just talk to them, but I feel paralyzed and afraid, this sucks",Personality disorder +50895,"does exposure therapy work for AvPD? Does exposure therapy or testing your fears work for AvPD? + +my therapist is pushing me into exposure therapy. I think I do have mild form of AvPD since it does effect me, i have anxiety issues and depression but it doesn't always keep me from doing something. I try to get around it most times but when I have to, i do it even though I feel anxious",Personality disorder +50896,"Am I a piece of shit or what? I mean, I've never been diagnosed cause I'm afraid of going to the psychiatrist and discovering I'm a real shit, but this days I was doing a personality check from Twitter just for the joke, and the result (avpd) came so close home I felt offended. +I grew up always walking behind my group of friends. I could never do anything apart from others. In any social situation it has always been my role to be the child in the corner or the one following the parents. +It doesn't help my father is a controlling sexist. I've never slept out my own house, never dated someone openly (afraid he would beat me up), never visited my friends houses (I don't even know if I can call them friends). +I'm nerdy but not smart. I always got high grades in school, but I never liked being complimented on it because I thought most of my grades came from the cheating sheets I made to remember the subjects before the exams. +If I have to talk with someone for anything, I have a script in my head I have to follow to ensure I'm not saying anything idiot. +After graduating from school, I fell for my relative's advice and did not leave my hometown, preferring to go to college in the neighboring city and work with that relative. Well, we had a fight and I had to quit uni cuz I was fired. +I couldn't muster up the strength to deliver resumes in my city due to sheer shyness. +Five years have passed since then. I'm almost 23 years old. I'm just a high school graduate. No professional course taken, no money in hand, living with my parents...I still don't want to hand out resumes, I don't want to get in touch with people... I long for physical contact, but I don't have the courage to get close to anyone... +So, to you guys who suffer from avpd, how do you cope with this shit? How do you guys have strength to work? + +(Sorry, my thoughts were all over the place while I was writing, so please forgive me if it sounds confusing.",Personality disorder +50897,"my guinea pig passed and now there's just me i dont know if my flair is correct? idk. +last night around 2 am, she passed. my sweet lilith. i had her for a good 7 years and she was a darling, so sweet and kind, jumpy and squeaky, all up until the last couple days where she suddenly became so tired. her last day came around and i just *felt* it. she was so exhausted. i tried to get her into my local vet yesterday but they said they didnt have time for her that day? so we stuck it out, hoping i would get her in today, but. there wasnt time. i gave her as much water as she would take before she passed, tried to feed her, and mostly just. talked to her and praised her and loved her. i held her all night. she hadnt eaten in a day already, aside from the very few nibbles she'd taken from what i tried to give her. tomato was her favorite food, so i brought her some tomato last night as she was on her last leg. it was her last treat. i was surprised she came running for it, despite her exhaustion, and she had a little nibble. just a little. i wanted her to have more, but she was so tired and im glad she had even that. everything seemed so much for her. she snuggled with me in some of her last moments before i tucked her back in her cage where she felt safest. and she passed. +i have friends, but not very close ones anymore, as ive isolated myself so much. i feel very, very alone, and i dont know if there's anything else for me here. i think there's probably not. im so, so tired and im ready to give up. my parents are going away for the weekend and, with the way things are lining up, i wonder if now is the time. +i guess im just posting this to vent, or maybe to have someone for a little bit, or maybe a call for help, or something. i dont know. but im so tired and sad and afraid and alone and im so over it all. i want it to end so badly and. idk. im sorry, i really am, i just want it all to end. i want it to be over so badly.",Personality disorder +50898,"I hate my crush for further reinforcing my insecurities I met him on vacation, and we hung out for two days together at the swimming pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I've known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They all told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like ""oh look your boyfriend's here"". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. Ever. All my life, I was treated as a freak, so I was just glad for this opportunity for something special. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got really mad at our friends for telling me. + +He cut off all contact with with me after. I blocked him on Instagram after he rejected my Instagram request. I was so sad that the guy I liked decided it would be best if he never saw me again. The one person who saw me for all the good I have to offer, and he still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he still looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I've never had the privilege of falling in love before, and he just took it away from me. How could we truly ever be in love when he didn't want me? When he chose to let me fall into the abyss? I trusted him. I had confidence that he was a nice person, and it was all a lie.",Personality disorder +50899,,Personality disorder +50900,"Why am I such a loser I take online classes and only leave my house for therapy or medical appointments. I am usually too afraid to talk to people online even in anonymous online spaces. I've always been a loner but for about a year it's been worse than ever. Literally zero friends. + +The severe isolation has caused me to forget how to socialize and behave around other people. I get so awkward and nervous and don't know how to carry on normal conversations. Even the dialogue in my writing is unnatural and weird. + +I see people online and even in this sub who aren't total loners and have friends or even partners. How? Why is everything so hard for me? Why can't I just be normal and function like everyone else?",Personality disorder +50901,I wish I could socialize normally and make friends No matter what social setting I’m in I’m always the odd one out. I feel like I physically can’t talk. I only speak when someone initiates and even then the conversation just ends almost instantly cause of my bad social skills. I wanna be normal and be able to make small talk and actually have relationships with people. I feel so alone and I don’t know how to change. I’m 22 and wish I could have friends and go out like other people my age. Was considering going to the Disney college program but I know it’ll just be the same no friends and I’ll just be the weirdo everyone avoids. Please I really want to change my life I need some advice. Did medicine or therapy help any of you? Did anyone get better on their own? A part of me just wants to be courageous and force myself to talk to people. I know I’ll be unsuccessful but maybe I’ll get better with time :(,Personality disorder +50902,"Post-socialisation stress What's your aftercare after socialising, if the interaction has been neutral or negative?",Personality disorder +50903,"I confronted my kid's teacher today My kid has been having issues with this teacher all year. They really struggle with concentration and memory and the teacher has been terribly unsupportive. It's the only class my kid has been failing. + +A few months ago my kid was diagnosed with cancer. We set up a 504 to reduce the amount of assignments and give them extended time. + +They were then out of school for two weeks for surgery. All of their teachers except the problem teacher followed the 504 and greatly reduced the amount of their makeup assignments. + +Regardless, my kid worked hard to turn in a large portion of the assignments. Yet, they're still failing that class. + +I emailed the teacher today to make sure she graded all the assignments. She told me she did, but otherwise did not give me any helpful information in getting my child's grade up. I then asked if she has been following the 504 plan and I've not received a response. + +I've already been second guessing whether I was too aggressive in my emails, but at the same time I feel like I'm going to have to escalate it with the school. + +I'm stressed and I've been fucking sick to my stomach all day. I'm cycling between anger and embarrassment and I'm going nuts. + +Just needed to vent 😞 + +Edited: Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I've been in continued correspondence with the teacher. She stated that she has already reduced the amount of work, but I still have issue with the amount and content. + +I also elaborated on the fact that my child has been having issues all year only in this class. My child has told me they're afraid of this teacher and they struggle with her teaching methods. The teacher had no helpful comments, and has only repeated that ""the issue is missing assignments"" as if I don't have eyes. She also said she thinks they can turn this semester around if ""we"" can motivate them, and thinks they are not having academic difficulties. This rubs me the wrong way because motivation starts in the classroom and she's clearly been lacking. + +PT conferences are tomorrow, I'll be talking with the principal.",Personality disorder +50904,"How do you make therapy work? I don’t know what to do in therapy, we usually just sit there in silence as my therapist does “grounding exercises” (saying things like notice the things around you, your breaths, all your senses etc) to help with my anxiety and then she asks the dreaded question: “What do you want to work on today?” Like hell if I know, even when I do know I won’t say it cause of my anxiety. I told her about my anxiety and possible AVPD which we’ve been “learning about” together (even though it’s information I already know but honestly at least we’re doing something). I want to get deep into my trauma, my mentality, my thought processes, who I am, just everything about what caused this hell but I feel like we’re getting nowhere because my therapist doesn’t bring us anywhere. It’s like asking a blind man for directions. I tried telling her that I like it when she leads the conversation which she has been trying, but in the end she’s not leading enough. I know in therapy a therapist shouldn’t lead and let the patient control their session but honestly I just wish someone would ask me a bunch of very leading “harsh” to the point questions with no way out so I can talk about my feelings without feeling guilty and selfish or embarrassed. + +&#x200B; + +I know nobody is probably going to answer, but in the minuscule chance that you do, you have my Eternal thanks and appreciation.",Personality disorder +50905,"I'm going back to therapy I'm 21 and I'm going back to college soon. I'm really afraid about the socialization part that comes with college. I think I have avoided getting help for so long but I reached a point of crisis because I have no idea of who I am and hurted a person very badly. + +Wish me luck! It really feels like a big step, I want to say I'm proud of me for me doing this. I have been scared but I hope I can improve",Personality disorder +50906,"Fried my personality I feel bad for making another post here but I just want to see if anyone has experienced this and recovered. I feel like being isolated and particularly avoidant over the last year has completely fried what little personality I had. I think a mix of depression, apathy and mental anguish from little human contact has left me as this husk of a person. I was never good at connecting with people but now it seems impossible. I'm so distant and just don't have it in me to feign excitement or interest during social interactions anymore. I'm not sure how to work on things when I'm this robot with no substance to my character. It makes every attempt to speak to someone strange and awkward. It makes me feel like I have nothing to offer to another person in a conversation or interaction.",Personality disorder +50907,"Trip to hairdresser was really difficult I have wanted to dye my hair blonde for years and recently got out the mental hospital and decided to just go for it. I made a hair consultation appointment and had to get the bus then walk a long way through town to get there. Saw loads of people around my age with friends, socialising, laughing. It hurt so much. Then at the hairdresser being reminded I’m not normal as I try and fake being so for the consultation. Next week I have to sit an hour and 45 minutes while they dye my hair. Why is socialising so difficult. I hate leaving my house and being reminded of what I am.",Personality disorder +50908,"Starting to feel really guilty over ghosting my entire family I’m leaving this weekend, not telling anyone where I’m going and leaving my keys with a note explaining I’m okay and not to look for me. Changing my number and not giving it to anyone + +I suffer from really severe social anxiety to the point where I even isolated myself from my family. I feel like I have nothing here. No friends, no job, I messed up my relationship with my family by barely leaving my room. They all think I’m awkward and weird. It doesnt help I’ve become a pretty bitter and rude person over the last couple years because of how miserable I am in my life (my fault I know). Feel like I have screwed my life up too much, I’m an embarrassment and want to go where nobody will recognize me + +My mom was ashamed of me ever since I started being socially anxious around 6th grade. She hated how quiet and unpopular I was. She can also be very clingy, overprotective and worried too much. I can’t handle it anymore, I feel totally smothered. I just want to get out on my own even if I’m living in my car for a while. But I am starting to feel extremely guilty because I know she’s going to freak out when she sees the note, probably have a panic attack and call the whole family probably telling them I’m “missing”. I feel like my parents do not trust me whatsoever and see me as some useless idiot that will never be able to have her own life + +I’m planning on alternating between motels, sleeping in my car and working my way up to renting a room in someone’s house somewhere",Personality disorder +50909,I’m scared of going to college I’m a senior in high school and after being on this subreddit for a month I’m terrified of going to college. Granted I was terrified before that. Before I figured I’d take a gap year to figure things out and I didn’t feel like I was in a good position to do well in college. But now I’m realizing I was just avoiding applying because I was scared to be rejected. Or maybe I was scared of what would happen if I was accepted. I don’t know what I want to get into and it’s scary how relatable a lot of these post feel. And what scares me more is that I keep seeing posts about people having to tell their parents they dropped out of college. Is that going to be me??? Am I just going to be a drop out?? Should I even try?? I don’t know but now I’m worried I’m going to get to comfortable once I’m out of school and will be too scared to return. Uuugh everything is so frustrating I wish I could just be normal and I don’t know what to do but I’m curious to know other people’s experience with college,Personality disorder +50910,"I did it. I told them. It was a mistake This is what my sister told to me: + +“Mom said she wants to wrap her hands around your neck and strangle you or grab you and punch u in the face” + +I have been debating how I could ever tell my family about dropping out of my degree. It has been a horrible shame to carry. Last night, I told them about my struggles. I told them at length how I feel like I don’t deserve anything, even the air I breathe. My last chance to try for understanding from them instead of shame and blame. + +Now… I think I’ve made a horrific mistake",Personality disorder +50911,"found an avpd plush ? I came across this company that makes plushies off of disorders and other disabilities and there was one for avpd. not sure how I feel, I guess since it's the first I see avpd incorporated anywhere lol. just wanted to see you guys' thoughts on this + +[https://www.instagram.com/p/CpcL9bvO\_W\_/](https://www.instagram.com/p/CpcL9bvO_W_/)",Personality disorder +50912,"I need to get better I am scared because I had to do something today but postponed it to tomorrow. Planning to wake up at 4am to do it but it's 12pm already. I had to send an email to a coworker explaining how far i reached in solving an issue so they can take over but i have made 0 progress in it even though i took 2 fucking weeks for it. I also can't say that i didn't make any progress because i told my boss otherwise. I just don't start my work itself because I am too scared to encounter new issues that i won't be able to solve. Procrastination is fucking me up. I don't even know what or why I am typing. I feel i just keep feeling sorry for myself and don't really do much to improve. + +Anyways I am preparing side by side for a career shift but i dont see how it would be much better as the issue mainly lies with me and everyone in my job are great people. I just think way to hard on how to appear a certain way to others because I base my self worth on others opinion of me which I am trying to change but honestly don't see it getting much better. + +I went to different psycologists and psychiatrists in the past but never sticked to any. My mind kept finding reasons to not continue even tho some of the meds helped me at the time. I will probably go to a therapist again. Thank you if you read so far. I need friends who can understand my situation and want to get better too. Any resources links or advices you can offer for my situation are most welcome, thank you again.",Personality disorder +50913,"Looking for a chat buddy I’ve had some people from this sub reach out to me in the past looking to chat but I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do so. I now have some more free time and would like to chat with some fellow AvPDers. + +I find that no matter where I’m at with this disorder it’s always a comfort to know there are people out there who “get it”, and I’d enjoy trying to support others on their journey with this PD :) + +DMs open!",Personality disorder +50914,I think I belong here. Hey guys! Everytime I get into a new relationship I self destruction with anxiety. I lose myself lose ability to eat and sleep and get extreme anxiety. Last time I spoke to a girl that I really liked for 3 days and as soon as I felt that she is the perfect one for me I went into severe anxiety and panic. And just ghosted her. I'm tired of this shit. I haven't been diagnosed yet. But everytime it's a new relationship and I like the person I self destruction and spiral into depression and I just ghost the person because I choose my sanity first,Personality disorder +50915,"Is avoidance a trauma response/coping mechanism gone awry? In the sense that since avoidance worked dealing with earlier trauma, you just (involuntarily and unaware) start applying it on everything that causes fear?",Personality disorder +50916,"Sent desperate message to a family member and got 0 response. Is it okay to unsend it? My mother has a drinking problem. I don’t have much contact with her as she ran away for drugs when I was a kid, but have tried to be a part of her life now for a few years. She was in rehab and were now a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but then she called me the other day very drunk and it hurt me so much and made me worried. I sent a message to my family member who has the most contact with her where I said she was drinking again, that I feel really sad and I don’t know what to do, feel helpless, etc. I also sent something similar to my grandpa, because he’s working with her (she lives in a psychiatric apt). Now it’s been days and I’ve gotten no response. I feel anxious and regret sending the messages, they probably think I was on drugs or crazy for sending desperate messages like that, and therefore not responding. I want to unsend the messages but I’m not sure if that would be acceptable to do, or look weirder if I do that. I’m considering texting my grandpa something else after unsending, but my other family member I don’t know that well and can’t really do that. I realize I shouldn’t text her again after this as it’s obvious she wants no contact and now I’ve embarrassed myself. + +Would you unsend in this situation? Or any other good advice? + +Sorry for the rant.",Personality disorder +50917,"I might have AvPD okay, let's keep it short; I have had 3 depressions since I was 13 (20 now) mixed with social anxiety (throughout my whole life). Currently in therapy trying to find out why I keep getting depressed without a trigger. I thought about autism but I only have symptoms relating to social interaction. So no sensory issues or interests and such. +My therapist mentioned personality problems (not a disorder) So i started looking in to it and I relate alot to AvPD. Could i have AvPD? + +Anyone else who thought it could be autism but it turned out to AvPD? + +Info about AvPD is welcome since I'm new to this.",Personality disorder +50918,My coworkers told me that my insecurities show during MS Teams meetings and that it is inappropriate They say it really shows because I stutter and then get all quiet the longer I talk. Guess I just stop talking then or spew bs with confidence if that's what they want to hear.,Personality disorder +50919,"I haven't replied to someone for 30 weeks 🥲🥲🥲. Thankfully this person was not a close friend at all, they were an acquaintance, but God I feel so embarrassed that I never replied. What must they think of me :(. + +Because we were only acquaintances this person literally won't miss me, but it's moreso the fact I've probably came across as extremely rude that is upsetting. + +I'm not sure if I should just leave it now, or if I should message and apologise and tell them I won't be replying anymore. I should have done this aggges ago, and told them that I won't be replying anymore, instead of just avoiding for 30 fucking weeks. + +I think messaging to let them know what happened would be a good idea, but I should have done it she's ago. If I did it now I would feel so anxious about messaging them. Maybe they hate me now and don't want me to message them ever again. Idk guys 🥲. + +Edit: I don't think I will message them because there isn't really any point, the friendship is obviously over and I don't plan on trying to reignite it (I wish I could but it's too difficult). I did briefly tell this person that I have issues with replying to people so I'm praying that they won't be mad at me and instead would have attributed my absence to this. + +Avpd makes life so complicated guys, fr 😮‍💨.",Personality disorder +50920,"I wish I could thank every person that has shown me kindness There’s a lot of people that have been nice to me. People I’ve worked or went to school with that would talk to me or smile at me, I wish I could thank them for being caring and generous enough to acknowledge me, most people ignore me which I don’t mind and some people bully me. + +But I often think about the people that went out there way to be nice to me, they would have got noting out of it, they did it just to be nice, maybe they could see I was shy and lonely and had pity for me so they would talk or smile or say good morning to me to make me feel like a human being even though people pitying me makes me feel embarrassed and small, I appreciate it so much but I’m never able to show it, so I just pray for them every day and hope they are having amazing lives and I hope they know they are angels.",Personality disorder +50921,,Personality disorder +50922,useless attraction I discovered that I was bisexual a few years ago but recently I have been feeling like it is useless for me to even claim that identity because how am I going to be attracted by everyone but also feel unable to be intimately close to anyone and can't imagine myself in a successful relationship. To me it feels like a useless discovery idk,Personality disorder +50923,"Using Self-Help Apps to treat AvPD I am trying to build a routine for my mental health and actually start using well-being apps, however I noticed there are not a lot of resources or apps to treat severe social anxiety or AvPD. I know ideally this is not the best way to treat it, but I have no medical benefits or insurance to cover for therapy as an international student atm. What resources have worked for you guys?",Personality disorder +50924,"Opening up to my partner? I get sad frequently (big surprise) and there's some shit going on in my life and it feels like I want to talk to someone but it's really hard to open up. I want to tell my partner about how I'm feeling because they should be a support, but Everytime I'm like ""what's the point"". I think sometimes I think too logically about situations and I'm like ""what are they gonna do? At best they can say is sorry you feel that way"" and to be honest things like that aren't really meaningful to me. + +Does anyone else struggle opening up to friends/partner? I mean obviously we all have avpd so yes, but do you guys have strategies?",Personality disorder +50925,"I want to do a job that requires social skills I do not have great social skills. I am awkward and shy. + +But I saw an ad for a job that helps adults with disabilities find and maintain employment. I want to apply for it but it requires making connections with business owners and having good interpersonal skills. + +This is just a vent about wanting things that are outside the realm of being a good idea...",Personality disorder +50926,"DAE just not imagine themselves being around after a certain age? In my head I never think I'm going to make X years of age (30 for example) and it's not because I specifically plan to do anything but I just kind of think ""I'll probably be far too fed up of this misery at that point and end it"" + +...and then that milestone age will come and it'll then change to the next one that I can't imagine making it past.",Personality disorder +50927,do you guys ever wonder if it's too late? Too late to fix your life and the mess you created???,Personality disorder +50928,"Where do AvPD people hang out irl I know you don’t go out often, but when you do, where are you? + +What clubs/interest groups has the highest chance of having avpd people? I’m trying to find my own kind. Looking for people like yourself, that’s pretty normal right?",Personality disorder +50929,"Is this really it Have you ever looked up and realized that months have passed without you even noticing. And everything is moving around you, time, people, events, but you’re just standing there staring at it. And you realize just how much you’ve lost in this static state. And now it’s just gone and it’s too late and you have to keep going. Time changes nothing and it waits for no one. And leaving all these things up to time and opportunity was just another way to avoid being held accountable for my lack of action. And now I’m here and now I have to deal with it. And that’s all it’ll ever be. I hate that I control my life. I don’t want to. I just want to leave. Or stop. I just want everything to slow down. There’s so much I want to achieve and yet I’m just standing here staring at everyone else. I want these things so badly I don’t understand why I can’t just do them it hurts. So much time has passed that I’m scared this is all I’ll ever be.",Personality disorder +50930,"AvPD or something else? Sorry if this is actually completely normal or off-topic. Basically I find myself so genuinely hideous, in a ""You look too ridiculous to seriously expect anyone to acknowledge you as a fellow human being"" kind of way. It doesn't just stop at my appearance, either. It's literally every single facet of my being that is too ridiculous to ever be taken seriously. It prevents me from talking to people, finding a well paying job, making friends of any kind, doing literally anything out of the ordinary (including necessary appointments like the doctor) or even wanting to be alive. The only person I see regularly now outside of work is my therapist who insists there isn't anything wrong with me as a person but I find it incredibly hard to believe he doesn't see just how unbelievably embarrassing and stupid I am. This feeling causes me constant distress and is completely unshakeable even though I am aware of how ""logically"" silly it is and I worry it might mean I have a personality disorder because it handicaps every part of my life. Obviously no one on here can diagnose me but I guess I am wondering if it sounds similar to what you guys deal with.",Personality disorder +50931,"Root of avpd and life-damaging thoughts I had M21. My problem with avpd is that it made me weak, defenseless, I feel like prey living among predators. +My self esteem is low and I know how it can be increased, it ""just"" requires me to be strong and all the problems will eventually disappear. + +I was bullied by two different group of people, I realize now the reason was that they instantly saw my weakness, the second time I was bullied by my friends (at that time), initially they even respected me cause I was serious, but when you can't defend yourself it looks pathetic and I even can see their perspective, you just need to be more tough and confident (without any reason). + +This experience reflected in my thoughts I was living with till recently: +when I was a kid I thought you need to really know how to dance, know the technique or some kind of particular style but thinking about my stupid rural relatives refuted it, cause how they being so stupid could think about it really, it's not possible, but they fuck, I don't. + +second was about clothes, hypebeasts. +I thought classmates were making fun of me cause I looked weird, lame. Even though it's not fully wrong I just exaggerated it on a new extreme level. There wasn't particularly anything wrong with my clothes, I just couldn't understand their reaction. + +Third was about thinking that the group of people knew something that I missed, or like there was some hidden context I was unaware of. It was a constant thought when I was with my peers. + +I also has such problem that I often can't decide when I should feel offended and when not, it's important cause it can really lead to being a punching bag. This is also a beginning of my PPD part of personality. This kind of thinking leads to paranoia. + +I hope I won't regret posting this. Maybe it's the only time I can be honest.",Personality disorder +50932,"How to not play the role of a therapist in a friendship? I've been thinking recently that most of my friendships have a pattern. It's always the other person sharing things about their life and me listening to them or consoling them or whatever. + +I don't know if the friends I've had have been bad listeners, but it feels like whenever I try to share something about myself with people it kind of dies down and gets lost in time. + +How do I not play the role of a therapist in the relationships I form? I'm getting tired of this but also I don't know how to convey it to other people in a way that won't result in permanent damage.",Personality disorder +50933,,Personality disorder +50934,"I made a friend for the first time since middle school when covid hit I became very isolated since I was doing school online but last school year I went back in person and there was this person that would approach me but I was too shy to really talk to him and I finally built up the courage this last september to actually approach him. I've gotten really close with him and I am so fuckin glad I befriended him. He's really loving, kind and patient. He's assertive, out there and also very protective while I'm very quiet, meek and also generally on edge and easily spooked so he balances me out and calms me very well. I can tell he cares very deeply about me and he's accepting of my differences. I told him about my avpd and he has been very understanding and helpful. His attitude and actions have given me a really big confidence boost in our friendship and just in general. I feel a lot more comfortable just existing and taking up space. Even tho i still struggle a lot having a supportive and caring friend has helped me tremendously and I'm planning to keep him around for a very long time :)",Personality disorder +50935,"anyone else feel like isolation/constant lack of interaction is turning them into a hateful person? I mean, i do have various have mental issues but i think chronic isolation in particular is a big part of why I'm growing into such a bitter and hateful person. +Objectively, it's not really much of a problem because i'm alone all the time, so it's not like i'm being actively hateful or offensive towards others. But yeah, basically it seems that whenever i hear sth concerning other people (be it celebrities or strangers on the internet or whatever) i am either jealous or upset. these are my only reactions, i don't empathise anymore. + it's kinda starting to affect my beliefs as well but I'm aware that it's more of an emotional issue than anything and I don't plan on * being alive * for much longer so no need to worry about that",Personality disorder +50936,"I can‘t do it anymore, I‘m alone with my struggles and it has reached a point where it‘s only suffering Unfortunately I don’t really have someone I can tell this so this will be my venting space right now. The only thing currently holding me alive is my family. If they didn’t care and love me I would have kms years ago. But now I really wish they’d just abandon me and stop caring because I really don’t want to live anymore. Really I hate to say this but their love just makes it worse. + + +What do I owe them? But yeah the thought of how they‘d react if I did it is so bad that it currently holds me back. I do have ""friends"" but they either never reach out to me or if they do it’s in a context of meeting as a group and that happens like 2 times a year. + + +Some of those people do stuff together I came to know but not once was I asked to join. And I have a ""best friend"" who‘s just weird. Idk why I even call him my best friend, maybe because I know him since 19 years and we did stuff together… he as well never reaches out by himself and when I do, almost always declines/ is busy. On those rare occasions we meet I never get asked a question. No one ever showed interest in me besides my ex girlfriend but that’s another story. + + + +I don’t really have a perspective. Because I was lazy/ struggled in school as a teen I hold a diploma which is almost useless. Can’t study, but don’t want to do the soul crushing labor I did before. + + + + +If I want to change something about my situation I would need to put in tons of effort but my batterys empty, I can’t charge it no more and no one gives me a new one",Personality disorder +50937,"Becoming indifferent about relationships I haven’t been around anyone outside of my family in two weeks, and I’m really content with it. For the first time in a while, I don’t feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness because there’s nothing to compare myself to. I don’t have to worry about being asked about myself or being expected to be social. I like it this way. I don’t know what this means though. + +I’m dreading having to go back to class next week because everything I want to avoid comes back. I’m tired of the pressure that my lack of social skills and low self esteem brings. No one’s looking at me and judging. I’m not constantly thinking I look awkward and shifting in my chair to look as normal as possible. I can breathe…for once. No default answers to questions. No fake laughs. Just me. I know I can’t stay in this shell forever…but I like it here.",Personality disorder +50938,"I have to tell my family I dropped out of college, immediately It’s all coming to a boiling point. + +My mother says: “You need to go into what you need to do for graduation or if you are not doing the ceremony then please be kind enough to tell me now.” + +Of course, I’ve known for months that graduation is not happening. I’m too afraid to tell them and admit I’m so sick. I’ve been lying the whole time and I feel disgusting. But even if I’m too afraid to tell them, they will know eventually (there’s either a ceremony to attend, or there’s not) and come to their own conclusions of me. + +They are extremely abusive people, and I know they are going to shame me severely. They are the reason I even have this disorder in the first place, and now I have no choice but to sit there and let them blame and shame me for having it. I can’t handle living alone right now, or being completely by myself. I feel I have no choice but to throw myself into the flames and let any confidence I had left burn away + +Pain is the only option I have, on all sides. I don’t know how to deal with any of this.",Personality disorder +50939,"vent I honestly hate my life, I think everything sucks and nobody is cool. I don't have any friends. I have people I can occasionally speak to once a week, sure, but I don't have any friends. I don't even call my boyfriend half the time so i just constantly feel like I'm in some sort of simulation. I can't make friends because my autism greatly impedes how likeable i seem and the only people who do pay attention to me are guys that wanna fuck me because I'm attractive, so i end up speaking to no one, i just hate it here.",Personality disorder +50940,"My strange two-sided life Hi I'm (25 M) new to to this subreddit and also to Reddit. I am not diagnosed with AvPD so far but I am able to relate to almost all the posts here. My parents are loving but the rest of the family on my dad's side is fucked up. My dad and his siblings are all suffering from some or the other disorder (Not all are diagnosed though because no one takes mental health seriously in my family). Everyone's super self-centred to the core. But it is the exact opposite on my mom's side. All of my mom's siblings, cousins and their kids get along great, while I feel like an outsider. + +I was terribly bullied in middle school because I reflected the behaviour I saw back at home. Also because I had started watching porn. This went on for a few years. I learnt to build a shell around my myself to prevent people from seeing my true self. This shell has hardened to such an extent that nobody, I repeat, nobody has access to the person within. I have since been the ""mature"" kid in school and focussed primarily on academics. I made it to one of the best universities in my home country. + +A couple of years into university, I realised that I had a lot of ""friends"" but there was no one I could truly call a ""close"" friend. No one knew anything about me. I ""collaborated"" with a lot of people, both academically and in extracurricular activities but never got close enough to anyone. At that time I didn't think much of it, mainly because I was doing ""well"" according to the norm. I bagged some great internships and a well-paying job right out of college. + +Interestingly, this did not seem to affect my job. I performed exceptionally well and received great reviews, both in the technical and interpersonal front. But as you might have guessed it already, no one knew me out of work. Again, I ignored this and remained focussed on my work. + +Then I decided to go for a master's and got accepted into one of the top graduate schools in the US. I have completed a term here. I started noticing this problem again during my first term after meeting and talking to people. It's not like I can't come up with things to talk about, but everything seems very superficial. There is no intimacy in any of the conversations. Also it feels like people behave differently when they talk to me. + +I am not really interested in people's life and it is extremely exhausting to pretend otherwise. What's sad is that from the outside it looks as though I'm doing great and living the best life. There are people that look up to me and dream to achieve what I have achieved. But no one knows the truth, not even my parents. + +This post is the most candid I have ever been in my life. I don't reveal anything about myself to anyone. I have never been in a relationship and at this rate I'm afraid I will never be. I want to turn my life around before it's too late. I'm not sure how my family would react to therapy. I don't have enough money to fund it myself. + +To end this vent, the details I have added in this post are not intended for bragging. I totally understand that people have suffered worse. Those are just to emphasize what an absolutely perfect, two-sided mess my life has become.",Personality disorder +50941,I lie so much Does anyone else realize how much they lie to themselves and other people. I always rationalize it because I sometimes do it to protect my feelings or others' feelings but that doesn't make it any less wrong or cowardly.,Personality disorder +50942,"I dont see a point in getting better anymore or ""healing"" Honestly what is the point Im so sick of people going on about how much they wish they didn't miss out on things when they were younger, I, just don't, care, anymore, I spent a whole 6 monthes bulling myself to do things out of existential fear and I'm so exhausted I want to do nothing ever again I'm so tired, what is even the point, If you get ""better"" your just going to be left as nothing but a empty shell, or worse you'll become one of ""THEM"" I just want to have my joker moment, completely self destruct and then die",Personality disorder +50943,"What is wrong with me I am in a relationship that I have wanted out of for the last idk how long. I cant break up with him. I have, three times, and every time we’ve gotten back together within 24 hours. I love him and I keep getting back with him but I just dont want to be with him anymore. I’ve already posted about this here before, since that post I did take everyones advice and break up with him but I didn’t block him on everything and we ended up getting back together literally the next day. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? + +We have had a messy relationship to say the least, and despite how its not as messy anymore, I just dont want to be with him. But I love him so much, when I’m with him I dont actually want to leave him. I know if I break up with him I will regret it eventually. I know if I break up with him again it will break his heart. When we’re talking everything is fine we rarely fight anymore, and he does everything he can to resolve issues now because I know hes scared I’m going to break up with him again. That makes me feel bad and also want to stay with him. + +Its a cycle of this. I just cant be real with him I cant be normal with him I cant be honest with him. I am a bad person, its like I want to be unhappy.",Personality disorder +50944,"How much detail do you give when reaching out to people you've ghosted? I feel like I cannot move forward with my life until I right my wrongs and reach out to people I know I've hurt from ghosting. I wrote a 'letter I'll never send' mainly for my own benefit with way too much information about my life and my struggles but it seems way too intense to actually send out. I feel ready to take the next step of actually making contact, but I just don't know how much information to give. Is a simple apology sufficient? This might be the avpd talking but I worry that by giving too much information I'll come off like I'm trying to justify the pain I've caused. I also dread the fact that they'll know how sad my life is but that cannot be avoided, I guess. For those who have done it successfully, any tips?",Personality disorder +50945,"Makes me sad when people delete their posts/comments/accounts. I'll admit I've been guilty of this many times myself. I don't know why I always feel shame even though it's anonymous. As a reader, I've never once regretted reading something where it felt like someone put a part of themselves into words. I don't know why the same logic doesn't carry over when you're the writer. I wish I could tell them that I thought they had something valuable to say. Reading your words made me feel connected. There are more people out there reading than you think. You deserve to be heard.",Personality disorder +50946,"Do you guys feel like a make-a-wish kid when trying to meet new people? Idk how else I could explain this but I often feel like people are trying their hardest to be gentle, welcoming and polite when they're internally wishing I never engaged with them in the first place. People always treat me so weirdly that I just have my alarm beeping all the time and I have to actively switch it off because I cannot tell anymore what's fake positive and what's actually a true warning. Guess I'll give up the social stuff and just stick to loneliness, feeling like a stray dog around normal people is the most painful feeling ever.",Personality disorder +50947,"DAE struggle to talk to people they like? I've been focusing on identifying people I truly personally like in therapy. Or well. More like validating my own opinions, but it always comes back to people. + +I have a net of people I'm really 'close' with because of the way my uni living was set up. And I'm realizing through a lot of questions that there are people I just don't actually like I'm surrounding myself with? Or people I want to interact with more that I know will make me happier compared to my current friend group. + +But I can't help but think that anybody I would actually enjoy talking to couldnt possibly like me as a result. I think it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more I criticise myself the more I pull back the less I interact with people and the world and the less 'worthy' I am. But the flavor of people I enjoy are the hardworking, driven nice ones. They wouldnt gossip about me behind my back, nobody cares enough to do that. But I would feel like such a charity case. When I'm doing okay it's okay. When I'm not I hate the thought that I'm forcing my prescense on these people. That my attention to turned towards how shitty and empty I feel all the time and not the other spicy things that give life flavor.",Personality disorder +50948,"must bargain with the universe for social plans so my (18ftm) coworker ""evilyn"" (19f) was going to see a band at a music venue an hour away, she posted to her instagram story about needing a ride, i offered to take her because i want to get out of the house. she said she'd be down and now i'm just waiting for her to respond so we can plan stuff on SC. + +she mentioned having extra tickets, but i'm still buying my own because she didn't directly offer it to me, and i don't want to embarrass myself in case it's not implied. they're like 15$ each so it's not outlandish or anything. and i'm too afraid to ask to clarify like ""so if i'm going too would you give me one of your extra tickets?"" it's not unreasonable i know- if i were her i wouldn't mind the question but i'd feel like a terrible person for asking even if we were closer. also not going to clarify that this is 100% platonic because we're coworkers and i *think* she knows i'm gay (the one thing i miss about presenting female is that i never had to make those distinctions with other girls). but will live in fear of that misunderstanding nonetheless. + +another fear: evilyn is on pretty friendly terms with ""jonah"" (20M) our other coworker, a the one and only person ive ever romantically pursued (lots to unpack with that but for brevity's sake, let's not.) as in, they've hung out outside of work more than once. now, i don't think jonah is the petty type, but if evilyn mentions it to him i wouldn't put it past him to say something (idk what but not sure he likes me much at the moment) that would make her back out. and if that were the case she'd just make an excuse so i would never really know. + +rambling post, but i wanted to talk about my fears somewhere. this is the closest i will get to feeling hyped about hanging out with someone. + +mainly- in my own head i have to ""earn"" outings by going over everything that could go wrong and by being of use- ie giving her a ride without expecting a free ticket. yeeeah it's a lot. thanks for reading all 🖤",Personality disorder +50949,"DAE avoid taking care of your appearance? I don't mean personal hygiene. Like, avoiding skincare, not caring abt your hair, dressing as baggy and blandly as possible, not doing makeup. + +I just desperately don't want any attention. I don't want girls to comment anything about my ""cute outfit"", I don't want men to stare at me. I want to be invisible",Personality disorder +50950,"Depressive personality disorder? Hi, from what I can gather about Depressive personality disorder is it's a lot like AvPD but I can't seem to find out much about treatment for it. Or if it is even treatable. I took the mcmi iii and scored 111 (115 is as high as it goes) have AvPD, DPD and masochistic traits as well. But they seem to be coming down. Any information about this would be really helpful. I would really like to not have depression all my life. +Thanks in advance.",Personality disorder +50951,"It’s all in your head! Why don’t you just like, stop worrying and act normal? + +/s",Personality disorder +50952,"Idk if this fits here at all but Did anybody do desperate things to subconsciously make people “like” them or just me This is actually so sad but I remember one time in high school I bought donuts for no reason and gave them away to people I was “friends” with just because, for no reason, I also did the same thing with smoothies once, spent $80 at tropical smoothie, & at powderpuff practice did the same thing with slurpees. Desperate much.",Personality disorder +50953,any negative response makes me genuinely contemplate suicide yea lol just happened with a friend and i feel rly heavy and my day is ruined lol. i feel stupid,Personality disorder +50954,"Anyone feeling the same? I'm in my late 20s , when i see people younger than me enjoying their lives i feel deep sadness inside. I really wished i Could have had what they had , being young , having friends, partners doing activities... I wish I didn't choose to miss out on crucial years of my life listening to my depression and fucked up thinking patterns.",Personality disorder +50955,"I did something. Call me insane, but I don't regret it. I'll transfer if I have to. https://i.imgur.com/KiU7KST.jpg +I may have just ruined my chances at a college career",Personality disorder +50956,"Has anything actually worked for anyone? When I say I’ve tried it all…I mean it. Every medication you can name except MAOIs because I actually medically can’t take them. CBT, DBT, EMDR, ketamine infusions, Ketamine nasal spray, TMS, talk therapy, and about a million other things. It’s just been getting worse and worse. Now I can’t even sing in the shower without the fear of my neighbors hearing me so I just don’t sing. Can’t sing in front of my mom. And I know I can sing I sang in a band for years when I was young and now it makes me nauseous to think about. I barely leave my house. If I go to a restaurant I think everyone is staring at me and judging me and I know they aren’t but my brain doesn’t listen. If I’m having a bad skin day acne wise then I don’t leave the house even if I have shit to do. I physically cannot talk to strangers. I would give anything to not care what people think and to just be carefree. Im one step away from becoming an agoraphobic…and I am a musician!! It’s ruining my life like my friends don’t even talk to me anymore. I’m ready to off myself tbh, because this shit is making my depression about a million times worse. And my autism tbh because I feel like my sensory issues have gotten wayyyy worse. And I just wanna know has anyone has success? Because I have no hope left. And I need some right about now….but my therapist and psychiatrist told me “there’s nothing else I can do for you”…. + +EDIT: on anxiety meds: Buspiron, Xanax, and Ativan and depression meds: Nortriptyline and I’ve tried everything else. I also meditate every day, I have my medical weed card, and I do yoga",Personality disorder +50957,"when i hear my name called, i feel extremely uncomfortable and i feel like i did something wrong. i dont know if this has anything to do with AvPD or not + +i'm 20 years old and i think i suffer from Avpd, u can check my other posts here + +this is a problem i noticed recently + +lets say I'm talking to someone and if she/he calls me by my name, i feel extremely uncomfortable, i feel like i did something wrong so i dont want to talk anymore and end the conversation there. it happens both in real life and online. if someone says my name its a big turn off for me. + +normally people dont even know my name, people in my class etc. they dont use my name at all. + + i just wonder, is there anyone here in the same situation?",Personality disorder +50958,"Feeling like an empty body with nothing inside. I’m a 24 year old female and I never developed my own personality. I also suspect I have autism because I did a lot of research and I just know my brain is wired differently. I can’t hold friendships and I hurt them because I keep them on a distance. They can’t help me and see mee struggling and getting in abusive relationships because my self esteem is so low. +Because of this I have a lot of trauma’s. When I was a kid I was neglected by my parents because they were addicts. I lived in a psychiatrical hospital for a long time cause I tried to commit suicide. It wasn’t a serious attempt. I just didn’t know how to get out of the situation. + +Anyway I’m 24 now and I’ve learned a lot so far. Between my 18-22 I did a lot of drugs and I felt “normal”. I felt like people wanted to be friends with me because I was social and talkative and not scared at all. But deep down I knew it was fake. The friendships I build were fake. I tried for so many years to adapt myself to others just to fit in. And next to that I was in an abusive relationship. I was paranoid and stressed. Always scared they’d find out the real me. And I did this for so long I don’t even remember who I am right now. +I am depressed, diagnosed with ptsd, AvPD and traits of borderline disorder. I asked for a psychological diagnosis for autism but they didn’t think I have enough traits to fit the criteria. I don’t really care about labels but I feel like there is something really wrong with me. +I’m an alien in this world. It feels so alone. + +Sorry for the long text. I’m prone to addiction and Im addicted to Xanax right now. I get admitted to a rehab clinic this Friday for 21 nights and then straight after that to Portugal for intense therapy. I’m glad to have this opportunity and I’ll definitely get out of my comfort zone. I know they won’t fix my problems but it’ll hopefully give me the push I need to work hard. Cause I do believe I can find out who I am and make real friends without being fake. + +I have hope and I want you to have it too💜 +We’re all different with different stories but the one thing that is so important; getting out of your comfort zone. Do things that are scary. Take baby steps. Don’t set the bar too high for yourself. Everyone is different so you can’t compare yourself to others. + +Good luck everyone and “just keep swimming”🐟",Personality disorder +50959,"I moved out. A friend of mine was talking to me about my family situation and I told him about how I wanted to put distance between me and them. He said that he might have some ideas and that we could work something out. + +I've been in a new place now for five days. I have a roommate, he is cool. His work keeps me from seeing him very much, so I only have to deal with other people in small doses. + +The best thing is that I'm finally away from my relatives! It always feels weird when I say ""I miss you too"" over the phone because I don't miss them at all. I'm so happy to finally be freed of them! + +People do keep telling me that it's natural for me to feel this way and that I'll miss them eventually, but I don't want to miss them. I had to go back earlier today to pick up some of my stuff, but I dreaded seeing anyone there. I left as soon as I could, and I guess I just don't know how to feel now. + +I still love them, I never didn't love my relatives, but I know they're not good for me. I am much better on my own. I guess I just feel guilty, like I owe them something. Part of me wants to go back and try to fix them, but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't do that, and that they're not my responsibility. + +So, I'm determined to not go back for as long as possible. The only reason I'd go back now is to get my bike, but I can be without that for a while. Otherwise, I'm done belonging to them. I am my own person now, and I'm slowly getting to like who I'm becoming. + +I definitely still have many times where I hate myself for messing something up or blaming myself for something that can't be helped or just wasn't my fault. But overall, things are getting better, and me leaving my relatives behind is just one of many steps in the right direction.",Personality disorder +50960,"Church made it worse I've been telling my therapist that I've wanted to go to church for a while. The last time I went was last Easter. So today I pushed myself to go (with God's help), but I didn't really enjoy it. I felt self-conscious during worship. I couldn't get outside my own head. When the service was over, I just left while most people stayed to mingle. Being around a lot of people makes it worse. Most people go to church in families. Not all. But I couldn't walk up to another person who came alone out of fear. Then I went to the park which was another mistake. Seeing all the children and couples enjoying themselves was too much. No one goes alone to the park on Sundays. So I tried not to isolate, but it was too painful, and now I want to isolate again. I'm so useless.",Personality disorder +50961,"does anxiety play a part in your avpd? i have anxiety disorders (one being social anxiety) so i experience a lot of anxiety with my avpd. when it comes to social situations my anxiety is so high that im sweating, heart is pounding and it feels like my brain shuts down completely. it causes me to fail so badly at socializing even more than i already would, it doesnt give me time to hear what people are saying or to give myself the time to think of a response. its embarrassing how i react internally cause it causes me to react externally in a way i wouldnt want to. id like my brain to be calm and relaxed so that i can properly think of my reactions and responses but nope i end up looking like a fool which leads to more self hate and feelings of ineptness. does anyone have experiences like this?",Personality disorder +50962,"I don't make decisions or have preferences? I don't know if this is AvPD, but It's like I can't make decisions for myself based on what I want, or even if someone needs me to do something I constantly ask for reassurance I'm doing it correctly. If I don't feel totally confident, I'll just sit there and wait till I can ask. + +I unironically use dice rolling and stuff to make decisions for me, so I can kind of appear neutral always, almost like a scapegoat? So if people don't like It I can just say I didn't really make the choice. + +I just feel so terrified of making the wrong choice all the time. Sorry if wrong place, or if i put it badly, but this has really affected me as far back as I can remember.",Personality disorder +50963,"It’s impossible to think for myself. I’ve always been 100% selfless. I put everyone first and I don’t give myself the time of day for nearly anything. There have only been a few times where I’ve stood up and tried to prioritize myself and it always ended in a dumpster fire. I always get put down, by others and myself. I feel like the universe is trying to punish me for trying to care about myself. I’ve been looking into what I want to do career wise and I’m leaning towards my dream job and becoming a mortician. I’ve never told anyone about my interest in the job because I know people will be very judging about it. I was talking to my mom earlier about career stuff and I got brave enough and told her about it. You can probably guess how she reacted. But she didn’t nearly react as harsh enough as my dad did. He walked into the room as we were talking and mom looked at him and went “She wants to be a mortician”. He instantly stopped moving and stared at me for 2 whole minutes with this absolute disgust on his face. He already made me feel like a disappointment without him opening his mouth yet. After what seemed like an eternity he said in a low and disgusted tone “You’re kidding me” then slowly turn around and walked away like I pissed him off or something. +People have reacted in that similar fashion to a lot of my interests. I know that field of work is looked in a taboo way by some people but I haven’t had such an unsettling, judgmental, self esteem killing reaction like that in a while. I don’t know why it hit me as hard as it has but it did. +How am I going to be able to function if I can’t handle people reacting about what my passions are like that? Every time I try to climb out of this abyss, I get hit with the tiniest pebble of judgment and it causes me to lose my grip and fall down deeper than I was before and the cycle just continues. +I feel so stupid thinking I could pull it off. I actually thought I could go into a job like this. I’m honestly giving up. I’m just going to stick to what I’m good at (most of the time) and just stay quiet. I’m never gonna get anywhere in life without AvPD reminding me that all I’m good at is telling people what they want to hear and stay in my room.",Personality disorder +50964,"Fantasising causing issues with my sleep It seems like no matter how tired I am, whenever I go to bed I just lay there thinking about hypothetical situations that are unlikely to ever happen. Generally it'll be fantasies (for lack of a better word) about potential relationship situations or generally sometimes just social situations and it's absolutely ruining my ability to sleep. I'm distracting myself with other things for hours just in an effort to be too tired to fantasise but it happens anyway and my sleeping pattern is being ruined because of it. + +Anyone do the same or any advice on how to ease off on this?",Personality disorder +50965,"I’m so desperately lonely I want more than anything to have connections and close friends but at the same time I’m scared of anyone getting to know me. + +I get so remorseful of the fact know one really knows me or gotten to know me properly and I’ve never felt like I could be my full self around anyone, and it’s all my own fault. + +I feel like I’m not good enough to have friends or acquaintances, whenever people talk to me or give me the time of day I feel like they’re just doing it out of pity or they’re just talking to me so they can laugh at me to feel better about themselves.",Personality disorder +50966,,Personality disorder +50967,My life goal is to be normal I used to have dreams about becoming this or that but now that I'm an adult I find that the main thing I'm working towards is being normal. Anyone know what I mean?,Personality disorder +50968,"AvPD moms and Dads Does anyone think their mother or father has AvPD? + + I am pretty sure my dad has it. I see little signs here and there sometimes, and just what I've been told as well. He has a hard time finding a ""real"" job until he was 26. By real job, I don't mean anything fancy, I just mean full-time, steady work. He had a hard time asking store clerks where an item was located. When I asked him how he overcame his ""extreme shyness"", he replied that my mom bossed out it out of him. She has introverts in her family, but they can be loud, and opinionated as well. My dad will talk on the phone when necessary but would never have a 2-hour phone call just for the sake of it. There is just other signs here and there. + +&#x200B; + +Have you seen any signs in your mom or dad or other relatives? I know there's a genetic component and you mix that with environment and boom, you get to deal with this lovely disorder.",Personality disorder +50969,"Apathy is a defense mechanism For those who feel they may not have AVPD because they feel apathetic towards socializing, it's possible that apathy is not the starting point, but what someone comes to. It's not just a reaction, it's a protection.",Personality disorder +50970,"Am I missing out on life?? I have am currently in my final year of med school and am 23 right now. I haven’t been in any relationships yet and am still a virgin even though all my friends are in relationships or having flings and I feel really horrible about it. 2 years ago, I was sad that I didn’t even have a social life in college but luckily I found a good small group of friends, but my love life in college has just been a series of unrequited loves which has left me anxious and hurt for most of my college life. I feel major fomo and maybe that I’m unlovable as a person and I sometimes make peace with that but hearing my friends have romantic or sexual experiences really makes me feel shitty again. I feel really happy for my friends and even give them advice when ask me for it although idk why they ask me lmao but I don’t know what to anymore and if this will stay this way forever.",Personality disorder +50971,I feel like I'm a side character in my own life. I avoid literally everything. And it made me feel like nonexistence. I just exist. And I'm used to it . Why am i still living? What's my purpose? I'm fad up .,Personality disorder +50972,"Resentment towards attractive people I'm sure I'm not alone with this problem, but I've been feeling this way for so long I don't even understand how healthy people avoid these feelings. + +Let's say an attractive girl posts hot pictures on social media. I believe it's natural that this sort of content sparks great desire in any guy. I think it's also safe to say that 90% of guys will never have a chance with a girl like that. So I'd say it should be normal for these guys to feel some resentment, unfulfillment, jealousy, sadness, self-doubt etc. + +This isn't, however, what I'm observing in reality. Generally these kind of content on social media receives countless upvotes and praise from guys. + +Can someone explain where is my reasoning flawed?",Personality disorder +50973,"I realize I am the problem. The thing is, I long have realized I am the problem. But I don’t want to bother people anymore with my problems. My AvPD is becoming so much worse five months into my first job. I just don’t want to bother people, yet people keep talking sh*t about me. Its justified because I keep making the mistakes I shouldn’t, and I feel stupid, alone, and nervous all the time. + +I thought about just trying to smile and improve. Even though my job is tough, I thought if I pushed through it would be okay. At the very least my co workers were nice. My supervisor doesn’t like me. But I’m getting more and more tired. It’s like the longer I stay the more my anxiety and depression flares up again. I keep avoiding people for no reason, trying to be alone in a workplace where there’s tons of people. When people look my way, I get so scared of what they are thinking. + +My hands begin to shake when I do tasks now. It’s quite silly because the only reason I am anxious is because of my own incompetence. I just think at this point it would be better if I just leave once my department hires new employees. + +Tldr: Silly rant because I’m dumb & hate my job",Personality disorder +50974,"I feel like I could be an amazing boyfriend, but refuse to put myself out there anymore. I (28M) have a rep in my friend-group, as being a great guy who refuses to date. In truth, I kind of get off on feeling like I’m withholding an ability or skill from someone. I enjoy the image of people being jaded that “there’s no good guys left”, and that I am present, could be an amazing boyfriend, but am +Uniquely against being/acting that way, and it making them sad, if that makes sense. + +I grew up in a family very withholding of affection, it was very conditional; so i think I learned to reverse that, in a weird “power-play” in a way. I know it’s not a good thing, because I do like the idea of being in a relationship, but enjoy the rush of having a skill/ability to be warm, that is kept from the outside world.",Personality disorder +50975,,Personality disorder +50976,"Discovering this AvPD has been a massive relief. Hoping to spread some positivity. + +I've spent so long thinking there's something wrong with me and constantly questioning why I can't just find things as easy as everyone else seems to do. Why I can't just be normal? Learning about social anxiety was a help but even then it was like ""It can't just be that though?"" and then thinking I must be autistic or have adhd in some regard but never really feeling like I fit into those things. + +To actually have a name for it and relate to so much of what people post on here, it's kind of a relief to know that there's some reason that I'm actually like this and just knowing that this is why. I won't use it as an excuse and I'm going to fight against its tendencies as much as I can, but I'm just glad that I finally understand now. + +I appreciate you all being here. ",Personality disorder +50977,"I'm desperate, i don't know how to turn things around I know i should get my shit together, but to be honest i am too much of a coward to do so. I thought maybe with age i will try to turn things around out of desperation, but despair made things even worse , i feel more paralyzed than ever. In fact i wish I had some incurable disease. I want to die...",Personality disorder +50978,"No interest in life Does anyone else have zero interest in life? I'm kind of done, but assisted suicide has been delayed another year in Canada. Who knew killing yourself was so difficult 😕. I'm not necessarily sad about dying, but life is kind of pointless in my eyes. I'm too much of a coward and squeamish to do it any other way. I wish I could travel and do it abroad, but I can't leave at the moment.",Personality disorder +50979,"The Root cause of my AVPD I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I ended up with this disorder. Constantly reviewing and analyzing my past memories, trying to find and pinpoint the exact event that caused me to be this way. I wasn't sure I had one, and I still think it may be multiple events in my life that led to the development of this disorder. But for me, I think the formation of my AVPD has always been interlinked with my sexuality. I am gay and Hispanic. Growing up in a Mexican household, parents are not accepting of that whatsoever. Anyways, I remember I still remember this time where I was looking up basically dick pics and I didn't delete the search history. I was 13 at the time and was barely discovering porn. My mom checked it before any of us got home and while she was at work later she called my dad and told him about what she found. My dad told me that she was crying because she couldn't accept that her son might be gay. I explained it away to my dad that I was just checking to see how I sized up to other boys my age. But I sorta knew what I was doing. I guess that moment was pretty scary to me. Knowing not even my own parents would accept me. And so I hid myself, for a long time. Pretending to be straight year after year. It just got harder every year to put on the mask. And still now at the age of 24 I have never told anyone in my personal life that I'm gay. Not like they don't know it or highly suspect it, even though I present myself more masculine. I've never had a girlfriend so I think it's pretty obvious to everyone. But anyways I think it was very much so having to do with moments like I first mentioned. Where I was scared and felt completely alone. I guess it would have changed everything to have someone to tell me it's ok and that there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm loved just the same. But I didn't get that. I just learned from an early age that I was different and so I would be treated differently, unless I hid it.",Personality disorder +50980,"So.. what now? How do I continue my life. I very recently got diagnosed (4 days ago) with AvPD, after years and years and years of thinking that I just have very stubborn type of social phobia/social anxiety. I met with a specialist who really dug through my health records and diagnoses and even read through the psycological evaluation tests I went through over an year ago several times. She was very firm and sure that I indeed have this disorder, instead of the one I've been getting treatment on and it all stems from me hard school-life I had to go through. But instead my home life was always good, very loving and caring parents and I love them so, so much. They made sure me and my brother always had food, clean clothes and a warm home to live in, we were poor but still happy. + +My self esteem and self worth got destroyed from very young age by other kids, it's also very hard to trust people, I'm worthless and like a ghost to others at times. Without digging deeper to the trauma I've faced in school, I've just been existing and surviving from the young age to the 30's. I'm 33, still very broken, unemployed, depressed too but I go to therapy and have medication. I've ""medicated"" myself with alcohol earlier years but stopped when I started antidepressants, I still do self harm too, as a coping mechanism which I'm not proud at all. I very much hate and regret that I ever started dabbling to that habit in my young days. + + +Is there really something good about this personality disorder? Can I ever learn to live with it in the way it won't make me isolate myself from others and fear other people? I don't know. I have a lot of doubts, even when I am in a treatment and path to somekind of recovery. +Is it even possible to meet new people and form a romantic relationship too? Yes, I'm single, been for the last 10 years and sometimes it's eating me from the inside to the point I feel physical pain. I crave human touch (non-sexual and sexual) and sometimes I'm at the point that even a single, friendly hug would make me cry. Yes, I am lonely. +Luckily I have a small friend group, very small and two closest people out of this group, are a couple, so naturally they don't always have time for friends. Which I naturally understand, they have their own things and struggles too. It's just life. +When I told two other friends about this new diagnosis I got (they do know about my mental health struggles), well... they just were very silent and one of them answered with 2-3 words (in the way of ""oh I see"") and that's all. It did kinda hurt, does that make me a bad/attention seeking person? For wanting even just a little bit of undersanding what's causing me to behave some way I don't always even realise I'm doing it? + +Heck, this is kinda one messy message, but I just have so many things going in my head now and I don't have any answers to give for myself. I've always wanted to solve problems by myself, but this is just too big of a thing for my brain to fully understand. And I almost deleted this text and didn't want to post. 😂 +I'm sorry if I sound all whiny, I just have so many questions and I'm sure there could be even more of them. I'm not even sure if the flair is correct.",Personality disorder +50981,"It's easy to say that everyone has worth. If I say that I am a worthless subhuman, most people will react by saying something like everyone has intrinsic value, and that you don't need society or other people to validate your existence. And while it may be theoretically true, it's also easy and generic. + +What is difficult is to *feel* that you actually have value, when such a big part of your life has passed without anyone seeing that value in you. I'm not a bad person, but frankly, I'm barely a person. I'm unable to do the majority of things most people do. I lack any semblance of personality. People forget about me, and that's totally reasonable. Everyone likes me, but not really. No one cares about me or is really interested in me. + +I have acquired major schizoid traits throughout the years to the point that sometimes I'm not sure if I need human connection anymore. But I find myself craving external validation. If there's no one there to believe that you matter, do you, really? The obvious answer is yes, but I'm not so sure anymore.",Personality disorder +50982,"Do others know about your situation? None of my family knows that I’m lonely and struggle talking to people. They do ask me how I’ve been and how university is going, but I always insist things are going fine and that I’ve made friends. I wish it didn’t come to me lying to them, but I guess that’s better than them being worried sick at the reality of the way I am.",Personality disorder +50983,"There isn't a day that passed where i wish I didn't die sooner (27M) , my life so far is a huge disappointment, i have so many regrets , wasted my youth , got no job now , no friends, a virgin with erectile dysfunction due to meds. i dunno what am I doing being alive at this point. I knew few people who had their lives together but deaths took em outta nowhere, i feel I should be the one dead , that would have been a huge relief.",Personality disorder +50984,"I think being lonely and isolated caused me to become self centered and almost (and still might) cost me the best relationship I’ve ever had I saw some article about how being lonely and isolated can increase self-centered thoughts and behaviors. I didn’t realize I had this problem until recently. I feel so awful about myself right now. I didn’t know it was such an issue until my partner wanted to leave me for it, and he still might. I wouldn’t blame him. Has anyone else had this come up?",Personality disorder +50985,"My brain just goes blank even if I want to engage I don't know if this is an AvPD thing or not, but does anybody else here mostly don't speak as much during conversations because your brain just goes completely blank? I frequently find myself at conversations (most of them tbh) where I **want** to talk and engage but I just don't know what to respond at all. I catch myself saying a lot of ""mmm"", ""yeah"", ""it's true"", ""I agree"" but not something... substancial, you know? Sometimes I even repeat words just to use more time like ""yeah, yeah"". + +Meanwhile, when I observe the way other people talk is like they always have something to say, some comment to make or something to keep the conversation going, and it seems so natural for them. I always get afraid that people will like other people more because they can offer more during a conversation than I can, and honestly I think this has been proven true over time. + +Some time ago I created a personal ""system"" to help me ""fill up silences"" and some of the things I set myself to do at these moments where: **1. just think out loud without filtering so much** (I read somewhere that one of the differences between extroverts and introverts is that the first ones sometimes ""think with their mouths"" while introverts think first, then decide if it's worth sharing - and for us with AvPD and/or SAD we mostly decide it is not -) and **2. look for a subject connection, even if it's minimal, then be like ""this reminds me of..."" and keep going about it**. + +When I observe other people interacting I can see them using these a lot (naturally; I feel like a robot because I had to sit down and actually think to came up with these and have to make an effort to put them in practice) but even with this system, I'm still having problems because, like I said, a lot of times I simply can't think of anything. I don't know if this is some kind of freeze response to the ""danger"" of socialization or if my brain is just socially dumb lol.",Personality disorder +50986,Alcohol Is anyone else just a total fucking mess when they get drunk. Like it starts out fine and fun and the more you drink you just turn into a loud mean annoying over confident horrible person?,Personality disorder +50987,"Hey AvPD folks I could use some advice or perspectives I’m in love with someone w/AvPD due to my Pattern of getting attracted to emotionally unavailable People. +(which made me commonly feel unrecognized/unvalued in past relationships) + +However I want to tell you people that there are a lot of different ways people show love and can feel loved and it varies from Person to Person. + +Now I need advice from you folks, I’ve confessed to my Person. The response to it was idk if I feel the same I need to look within but it’s kind of blurry. +We were cuddling so I see it as a indicator, but I feel that it’s difficult. I’m scared of “coming too strong there” but not setting frames around it makes me also feel insecure. + +Should I try to look at it like a plain opportunity for my Person with AvPD to the experience of cuddling ? +Because I know you folks may have trouble forming trust within possible romantic relationships, and that It may take a lot longer. + +How ever forming a relationship out of it would take a lot effort and patience and willingness equally of both. + +At the bottom line transparent communication is always necessary I think wish me and your AvPD comrade luck.",Personality disorder +50988,"being pretty isn’t always what it seems I don’t mean to sound conceited or anything, but being pretty isn’t all it’s cut out for. I know I’m perceived by others as being conventionally attractive, but sometimes I feel like it isolates me even more. There’s nothing but a void inside this empty shell of a person, but nobody ever thinks I would feel this way because of the way I look. Nobody thinks that someone like me could hate themselves so deeply, nobody thinks someone like me would need help or be this fucked up. People probably think I’m a bitch in real life when they try to talk to me but I genuinely just don’t know how to respond or have a genuine conversation. The answers I do give are bland and the words that come out of my mouth aren’t the ones I actually wanted to say. I probably come off as rude or disinterested when I don’t mean to, and it pushes people away because they think I’m stuck up or think I’m better than them. I feel like a doll trying her best to mimic the people around her. Something people like to look at sometimes, but then inevitably get bored with and cast aside. + +Anyways, sorry if this seems like I’m vying for attention with this, but I just wanted to give a different perspective. Lonely pretty girls are more common than you think.",Personality disorder +50989,"Is it even worth it? Like is it worth living in a life full of fear, avoidance and all that in the end? I mean there is no cure really isn’t it? At least I personally can’t see myself living like this forever tbh",Personality disorder +50990,,Personality disorder +50991,"I refuse to flirt; it feels so silly. I (28M) am not a romantic, affectionate person by any stretch of the words. I’m definitely cold and aloof (at least outwardly); especially around women I actually like and am attracted to. + +So flirting just feels like I have to put on a super uncomfortable act, pretend to be someone I’m not. I don’t like it or want to do it. Although I haven’t experienced a romantic relationship yet, I like the idea of it; I just can’t stand the process enough to make it worth it. + +Idk if anyone else has felt this way or has any advice? Or could relate?",Personality disorder +50992,"Out of random curiosity, are you left handed or right handed? There’s some research about handedness and mental health. Probably silly and not a thing but curious about it with AVPD + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11huo0t)",Personality disorder +50993,,Personality disorder +50994,"Being Burned When Reaching Out I want to know if any of you have had this experience. + +Ever since I was a child, a pattern has been that I am verbally offered support and love, but when it matters and when I reach out for it, it would be rescinded. As a kid, I blamed myself and turned inward. As an adult, if I fall for an insincere invite for connection or help, I feel humiliated and angry with them and myself. I realize this has made me extra sensitive and I even expect to be rejected. It is extremely hard now to ask for help. When someone burns me, I don’t think I will ever trust them again—hard stop. When someone comes through, I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m not even sure of the word for the emotion of that. I’m crying as I write this. + +I think my expectations are too black and white, but I don’t know how to be change, other than to keep giving people chances.",Personality disorder +50995,"Has ""tough love"" ever worked on any of you? My family is a very ""tough love"" type of family. As far back as I can remember, my parents and sister have tried to get me to change my bad ways/habits through ""tough love"", but all the problems they would try to use it for are still with me, so it clearly has never worked. Just as an example of what I mean, my dad would give me ""tough love"" in the form of telling me no one would ever want to be my friend or hire me if I continued to be a fat slob (true). And the other week my sister came over to the apartment and told me that I wasn't being cute or quirky by almost never cleaning, I'm an adult and need to start acting like one, it is extremely embarrassing at this point, etc (also true). But even though I know these things are true, hearing people phrase it like ""hard truths"" I'm just too dense to grasp doesn't make me want to change for the better. It makes me want to go home, put a gun in my mouth, and pull the trigger because to my family I come off as such a complete moron that they need to tell me obvious shit I already know. + +I am wondering if this type of ""tough love"" is actually helpful for anyone, especially people with avpd, because in my experience hearing people judge me like that just drives me to start spiraling down. It's like it really does solidify the fact that I am so worthless compared to actual human beings that they always have to talk down to me, and my relationship with others always has to be me getting scolded even well into my adult years. But everyone keeps touting ""tough love"" as if it's some magic cure-all that will make someone instantly snap out of whatever undesireable thing they're doing.",Personality disorder +50996,"Any older people with AvPD there? How does it evolve with age? I honestly feel despair when thinking about the future because deep down I know it's not going to get better. But I'd like to hear experiences from actually older people (older as 40+ but even 30+ may feel useful) + +Plus, anyone recovered? Is it even truly possible to fully recover?",Personality disorder +50997,"Recovered, but it's too late I suffered from severe AVPD from my late teens into my early twenties. During this time, I cut off my old school friends and then didn't go to uni. In fact, I pretty much became a recluse. + +I eventually started to recover when I was about 22. I'm now in my late twenties, and though I feel I've overcome most AVPD symptoms, I feel like I am too old to make new friends. I've managed to sort of reconnect with 2 school friends, but there was a five year gap in communication so things feel different. + +I really feel like I would've made my lifelong friends at uni, but I didn't make it there. I don't know how to accept the damage that isolating myself during those critical years has done. + +As I've recovered from AVPD, I've realised I'm not that weird of a person, and I can actually get on with people fine. But those friend making opportunities of school and uni have long passed. It now feels like no matter how sociable or cool or fun I am, it doesn't matter, because everyone already has established friends from school or uni and doesn't want anymore. + +Has anyone else experienced this? Recovered but just too late - the damage is done?",Personality disorder +50998,"I'm in CRISIS because how AvPD can potentially influence my desicion for a new major I left college, because I wasn't passionate about what I studied and because how much stress I felt of not being socially competent to fulfill a social focused related major. + +And I'm here again I don't have much time too choose a major and to go back to college, my parents have told me this is my last opportunity and limit time, but I'm not sure if they would actually follow this through. I don't think they would but I could be wrong. + +All my interests and passions are related to social things, social justice, oppressed populations, people's potential. I have a big desire to help people and I'm interested in social causes and. On my very top are things like social work, sociology, and law + +But I'm very afraid of the challenging aspects of my personality and how contrary are to the abilities I need to have for these fields. I don't want to be an incompetent professional because of my characteristics and disorder. I'm extremely afraid of having to leave college again, or not being able to succeed. + +And I know that there are different ways to work in these fields. not necesarilly having the most direct contact with people. But I want to have direct contact too. I had an experience in my previous major where I interviewed a person in treatment process after they finished their sentence. And I felt so passionate while doing it and I liked so much interviewing him, analyzing their protective and risk factors, to later make a treatment plan (closest experience to social work) + +I also worry that if I go to therapy and solve these issues, maybe I will end up realizing that I can't stand naturally (and in a healthy way) working for long periods of time with people + +Why is that I'm not naturally inclined or interested to paths with way less focus on people T\_T",Personality disorder +50999,"Is getting diagnosed with AvPD worth it? So correct me if I’m wrong about any of what I’m about to say. + +I noticed that the treatment for AvPD is cbt, which would be pretty much the standard treatment for a lot of mental health problems. + +So is it worth going through the process of being diagnosed with AvPD when you could just be diagnosed with something like say anxiety, and still get the same treatment options? + +Again, if I’m wrong don’t hesitate to correct me. + +Thanks and have a great day.",Personality disorder +51000,"ghosted for two interviews in a row.. I just can't deal with the phone calls I'm so much isolated that now I feel like i can't talk to anyone I'm 26 need jobs badly so applied but i just couldn't make it to go for the interview, i already know i don't have any skills and nobody will hire me with this type of personality +I can't even defend myself in the fight like if someone raise the voice get so emotional and feel like crying...😭",Personality disorder +51001,"Is it just me? or trying to make a friend with someone who has a lot of other friends making me feel bad about myself Like I won't be accepted as their other friends, like this person has a lot of other friends too and I'm totally replaceable, so I start to panic and then try to end the friendship quickly, like not intending to ruin it, I just feel I won't be accepted, I feel new, I feel like I don't belong anywhere.. Like sometimes I feel I need someone who is just like me, with no friends and totally weird in social world .. idk it's just the thought of talking to someone who is more like.. extroverted to other people making me feel sick, like so fucking sick, Like why and how do you talk to people? How did you even find this amount of supportive loving friends who accepted you? why that isn't me?.. I'm just so hurt that I dealt with since I was literally a child.. I hate myself so much + +I have been diagnosed with AvPD last month, and I didn't know what was it, I think I have it combined with Anxiety and Depression and C-PTSD as well.. I think I'm sure of this since my psychiatrist said that. + +Idk anymore what to do with my life.. I want friends who are like me and.. well.. LIKE me, Idk anymore.",Personality disorder +51002,"Severe anxiety, phone addiction and clinginess I am slightly shaking as I'm writing this. I hope this post isn't all over the place. + +&#x200B; + +I have tried everything to combat my phone addiction; from productivity apps to uninstalling social media (and reinstalling them again) etc. I gave up on school, despite having been a very bright kid who skipped middle school grades as an immigrant to a new country, but now I'm an extremely miserable and depressed 19 year old girl with absolutely no life and with severe anxiety. I keep my mind occupied by scrolling endlessly on my phone. My go-to coping mechanism used to be daydreaming, but now even daydreaming costs too much energy and the content of the dreams are almost involuntary and disturbing, so now I dissociate differently through scrolling endlessly and losing track of time as well as my surroundings, for 10+ hours a day. Now, my heart is beating hard and I'm feeling extra anxious and panicky, all because I turned off my phone. I tried to get away from my laptop too, but here I am writing this. I have pretty noticeable chest pain as a reaction of trying to avoid numbing my brain scrolling on tiktok. I feel pathetic. + + + Currently, I am having a really bad time. I feel left out and abandoned. My only friend and boyfriend, who's the most wonderful human being, is out with his friends. I'm happy for him, but we haven't been able to call or play together for a week and even though I am an adult, I am not in a place where I can just go hang out with him. I kept my relationship with him a secret from my parent who I live with, to keep the peace and to not destroy the heart of my exceptionally kind, loving and sacrificial mother, who happens to be religious. My other siblings and I have disappointed her enough, especially me, her once very happy, intelligent, bright and ambitious baby. She knows I don't have friends, or a job, or any activities for that matter. I almost never leave the house except for going to my therapy sessions. So, coming up with excuses to see my boyfriend has also been a huge challange. He has done his absolute best during our relationship. He is the most caring, compassionate and nurturing partner of all time. He is my best friend, a person I can be playful and comfortable with, and I try not to make my AvPD or other mental health stuff effect him. I don't want him to feel guilty having fun with his friends, but I am so extremely jealous. He can go out and do whatever he wants and he has friends he can do things with. Even if I'm his priority, due to my circumstances I can't even make it all worth is. I'm currently depressed and have nothing fun to talk about or do, I can't even find excuses to leave the house. So I'm not blaming him, I am blaming myself for all of it. For how I feel, for the guilt I feel after realizing how jealous and bitter my feelings are, for being so uninteresting and for not doing more to change, + + +Trying not to use my phone now all of the sudden may also have to do with the fact that I don't want to stare at my notification the entire time, waiting for a text from him. If he doesn't text, I feel lonely and left out. If he does text, I feel like I will never experience ever going to places and parties with him and I get jealous. I don't let him know these feelings while I'm feeling them. I love this person immensely. He gets worried about me, and I don't want his weekend to be ruined by his clingy gf, even though when I have breakdowns of any kind he reassures me that I didn't ruin his day and he prioritizes me over other stuff in his day to just either come and be with me (we live in different cities) or call me until I feel better. + + +I want him to be happy. I have seen the positive impact I had on his life, and his impact on mine, and I'm scared that my loneliness and clinginess could hurt him, or hurt either of us, so I try to tone it down as much as I could. I'm tired, I miss him so much and I also feel bad for missing him, because I find it near impossible to do anything else with my time that he is the only thing left in my life.",Personality disorder +51003,"Emotions are determined by the reactions of others I've lost myself to the point where I feel like there's no meaning to being a part of society. Throughout history, human beings have been motivated by goals and aspirations, but I feel like I can no longer endure this way of living. The loss of my sense of self has left me feeling adrift, and without any direction or purpose.",Personality disorder +51004,"Therapist concerns I want to give this therapist more of a chance and I'm tired of looking. The one I had previously was too casual and kept directing the conversation towards family drama rather than focusing on me. The therapist I have now talks a lot, often feeling like a motivational speaker. It seems like a lot of her advice boils down to ""just do it,"" which isn't always a negative, but I'm not looking for simple actions to take, which is important, but CBT can be extremely disappointing. I'm interested in delving deep into my psyche, but she doesn't seem as curious as I'd prefer. She doesn't ask enough questions and seems to assume a lot about me as if my concerns are simply general concerns, with general roots behind them. She talks specifically about surface problems, but vaguely regarding experiences and the reasons for problems in this life. I know that we all share a lot of the same feelings and experiences, but that's not what I'm interested in emphasizing, and to be honest, it doesn't make me feel better. I already know other people feel similarly to me, I already know that, but I also know that everyone's experience is different. People go to these pages to feel less alone, and it does help slightly, but that's not enough. I don't care to hear that I'm normal, it just feels minimizing. I want to connect with people but feel utterly incapable of doing so, even when I put myself out there and have conversations, I feel like I'm not really there talking to them, and they're not seeing me. My therapist wouldn't even see the AVPD, she thinks I just have depression. I don't know what to do, I'm scared to open up to her about my concerns, I don't know how I would do that. CBT is helpful in that it gives people practical ways to help themselves and take control of their lives, like taking small steps, for example. But, it's not enough for me.",Personality disorder +51005,"why am i so scared of being seen? +i cant tell if its avoidant personality disorder or body dysmorphia or a sick combination of both but i highly suspect i suffer from avpd. it just all makes so much fucking sense, too much honestly and it hurts to think that life will always be this painful. i feel like theres nothing i can do about it. ive always said i feel like an alien. that i feel like i experience being a human differently than everyone else is. because if everyone else was hurting as much as me, no way theyd be able to keep it to themselves. everyone would be crying all the time. and theyre not. so i must be the weird one. + +i have these online friends i wanna meet, known them for 11 years, and they only live a few hours away. theyve expressed interest several times and im just this freak who cant leave the house. the thought of them looking at me terrifies me. theyve seen me through a phone screen but what if in person im too ugly? realistically i know they wouldnt suddenly turn on me and start bullying or anything but the idea that the thought still might pop into their heads, something along the lines of “oh, disappointing” or “at least i dont look like that” … its too much. its painful to think about. + +theres one friend who is pretty special to me. we met as kids through an online game, had a little flirty/crush/puppy love thing going on for a while but we grew up and didnt stay as close through the years, just checking in here or there… but lately they have become one of the most important people ever to me. and those dumb childish feelings started coming back, only now i think its evolved into something more, and i seriously have been hopelessly pining after them for the past 3 years or so… + +recently, they said they liked me. took me COMPLETELY by surprise as i had been trying (and failing miserably) to get over them. so this should be great news. but nothing can happen now. we just expressed our mutual “like” and now we flirt a little here and there but they said they dont think they can be in a romantic relationship right now, yet they keep initiating all of the flirting, and they mentioned how its hard not seeing me because if we could hang out things would be easier. which makes a lot of fucking sense. but this is also all very confusing. + +im stuck. im terrified. im ugly… theyve seen my face and know that im fat but theyve never really SEEN me. not fully. not from every angle. not up close. not in person. im anticipating the rejection, the disgust, and its too much… i wanna hold onto this idea in my head of us living happily ever after. and changing the relationship… will probably end in disaster. they said they need my friendship and that theyre scared this could ruin things. im scared too. im scared they’ll see me and any feelings of “like” will fade completely. and if i tell them this, im scared it will only speed up the process. they talk about wanting to kiss me and things like that and… ive never done anything with anyone. 12 yr old me is freaking out, i always hoped they would be my first back then lmao… so many firsts i wanna have and im scared it will mean too much to me and not them. how do i express this? do i even try? how the FUCK do i get over this and go see them? i need to see them. i need them. i need i need i need … i need help. can anyone talk to me?",Personality disorder +51006,"I have just bailed on a friend for the third weekend in a row I feel pretty bad about it, too. Last weekend I ""had plans"" (I didn't) and the weekend before that, I actually was sort of going through something. But tonight... I just don't want to see anyone. So I cancelled again. + +But I am trying to make up for it, and I offered to do lunch Sunday (he's accepted). + +I'm unsure if I told him about my disorder, and honestly, I think he'd not get AvPD anyways. I have had many experiences telling people about AvPD and they just sort of give a ""well-meaning, but not getting it"" nod. + +I have been diagnosed with AvPD for well over a year now, and I've been in therapy for even longer, so I'm quite good at the whole mindfulness thing. So, this year has been all about self-improvement for me. And I just don't feel ready to go back out into the nightlife. We go to gay bars quite frequently (we are both gay). I feel like I'm in my chrysalis as I finally work on myself for the first time, like ever. Going out feels like I'm forcing myself to hatch too soon and I just imagine myself as this gooey half-baked butterfly if I try to go out now. I want to get to my full form to go out and about. And I'm just not there yet. + +But further, going out is a lot of ""things that could go wrong"" for me. Where am I going to put my car? (Ubers are a lot of money here). What happens if I leave it at his place but I want to go home earlier than him? Etc. etc. + +Being alone in my apartment is just so peaceful. But it's lonely. And I know if I keep this up, when the loneliness becomes too much further on down the road, I might not have any friends left to see.",Personality disorder +51007,"At a conference for work and everything is making me want to hide. I am completely struggling. I am feeling a ton of social anxiety, and to compound that avpd is on overdrive. desperately want to hide and isolate and just get away from everyone including the few people I actually know here. Just (hopefully) stubbly ditched my one acquaintance here to go find a spot alone. I feel completely uncomfortable physically and mentally. I have to stay here because I have a networking event my boss is going to and I’m a guest of honor so I’m required to stay until tonight for but that makes everything even worse because people are bound to come up to me and ask about my work. Shit I hate avpd, everyone here is just chatting and enjoying themselves and learning and I am so in my head I can barely process anything.",Personality disorder +51008,"My mom said hitler was right about people like me, and she wasn't kidding + +While having dinner mom said that  hitler was right about people like me. + +And at the evening, she said that again + +and she meant  one of two things either: + +People with disabilities should not get married & should not have kids because their kids would be sick like their parents. + +Or People with disabilities don't deserve to live. + +I was beyond shocked + +anyway,I wish  i have  enough financial resources so that i can leave",Personality disorder +51009,"Physical Pain One of the biggest issues I have these days is the pain I get whenever I enter a shame spiral ( several times daily to varying degrees). I've gotten used to numbing the emotional pain through different techniques but I find that my arms, hands and legs ache whenever this happens. I'd describe the pain as similar to the sensation gaining feeling back after being in the cold too long. Does anyone else have this problem, and if so do you have any tips for dealing with it? + +I wasn't able to find any recent posts asking this but apologize if this is a question that has already been asked.",Personality disorder +51010,what kind of trauma causes avpd? i've been researching avpd because i relate to it and i know it's caused by trauma in childhood but i didn't find any examples. what kind of trauma causes it? or can somebody have it without any significant trauma?,Personality disorder +51011,"The sound of my phone dinging makes me feel sick If someone calls, I feel even more nauseous. I’m relieved whenever it’s spam.",Personality disorder +51012,here goes nothing Would anyone in their early 20s like to chat occasionally? Maybe even be friends? I literally talk to no one I figure maybe the social interaction could be beneficial,Personality disorder +51013,"What's the point? I literally don't see a reason to continue living like this. I have no friends. I'm incapable of forming any meaningful relationships. I lack the ability to function in society successfully. I have no long term goals. I'm a burden and disappointment to my family. I live in a perpetual state of guilt and fear. The only time I'm vaguely happy is when I'm drunk, but I know that's not sustainable.",Personality disorder +51014,why doesn't everyone just make friends here Avpd r probably the chillest,Personality disorder +51015,This disorder feels like permanent burnout. I’d never felt more hated than when I look at myself. Just plain inferior. It’s dramatic but sad. You can’t really get through much without falling apart. Don’t judge me but to me it really always gonna be like this because I’ve lost hope.,Personality disorder +51016,"AvPD got a shout out in The Expendables Kind of a funny bit of trivia, I didn't expect to hear AvPD mentioned in a very 'manly-man' action movie like The Expendables, but at one point Randy Couture's character mentions he is going to therapy for it lol. He says it at the 18 second mark in this clip. + +[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikmkGbTVFV8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikmkGbTVFV8)",Personality disorder +51017,"DAE feel like nobody will ever love you? And before well meaning people jump in to say that I ""can't know that for sure"", or that ""there's someone for everyone""... please note that it will not make me feel better. Don't undermine my suffering, please. + + +People don't fall in love with someone who's a shell of a person, unable to function and express themselves. They don't become friends with ""people"" like me. +But without human connection, you are not able to grow up. You are left a forever lonely, lost child in a slowly decaying body. + + +There's only so much ""healing"" a person without a support system can do on their own. It's excruciating, and humiliating, constantly feeling like you're worse than everyone around you, a cruel parody on a living creature.",Personality disorder +51018,"reconnected with a good friend yesterday :) it was really nice even though we mainly talked about tea lol and how rough life is, i wanted to hear them out and it had been a while since we had connected one on one like that + + +we ended up chatting for hours! just between the two of us and it was really nice, i had never done that before with anyone except my family and my boyfriend. i think what made it better was how much they understood the hardship of just…talking about problems, we both struggle with even talking about ourselves, went through some real shit together, and finding someone else we could really talk to without fear of anything happening was so relieving. they arent on avpd level like i am but they really get it + +even though it’s still been really hard trying to socialize irl, i’ve felt really good about my progress to reconnect with online friends lately and have real conversations more with them and my bf, and it’s really helped a lot as ive been living alone and felt really lonely as of late, especially with the rough time ive had the past few weeks. + +it was a really nice pickup and it made me realize again how secure i can manage to feel with the right people.",Personality disorder +51019,"Jesus taught avoidance I'm certain I'd be diagnosed with this disorder, and many prophets would too. + +John the Baptist, for example, lived in the wilderness until he started his ministry. Now that is dedication! + +There are many verses related to AvPD in the Bible, I'll post some at the bottom. + +I avoid everyone but Jesus, because he is infinitely loving and wise, and talking to other people is TORTURE in comparison. + +I've experienced this phenomenon in my life many times, and I see it constantly across every facet of life - friend groups, businesses, etc + +If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. + +- Mark 3:24 + +It seems that we have realized no matter who or what we come into contact with, it's only a matter of time until it falls apart. + +I would argue this is not a disorder, but wisdom. + +In fact, I would encourage everyone to lean into this! + +Whatever can be shaken, let it fall. + +Jesus Christ is the only solid foundation. He is the only thing valuable enough to unite around. + +Without Christ, it WILL fall apart - your new social circle, workout plan, job, hobby... + +Don't settle for second best. Don't put your faith in a priest, pastor, friend, partner, family... Go straight to the source! + +He's waiting for you to call out. + +You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. + +- Jeremiah 29:13 + +Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. + +- Matthew 7:7‭-‬8 + +~~ + +AvPD: + +Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. + +- 1 John 2:15 + +You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. + +- James 4:4 + +If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. + +- John 15:19 + +And before someone brings up eternal hell, visit r/ChristianUniversalism - not all Christians believe eternal hell is biblical",Personality disorder +51020,"People get frustrated by me 😕 Do people get frustrated by you? I don't know why, but I detect frustration when I'm around others. Sometimes I just want to move far away and start a new life. I just want to get away from it all and disappear. They don't accept me, and so I just feel like I'm better off alone for eternity. I want to live on a remote island. People just judge me for the way that I am, and I hate it. + +I don't know why they hate me so much.",Personality disorder +51021,"'chicken or the egg' situation- do I treat the physical symptoms (panic attacks) or the core issue (childhood trauma/feelings of inadequacy) Due to an array of weird circumstances, I am a manager. A manager with avoidant personality. A manager who can't even say hi to her coworkers or ask for help. A very necessary skill for a manager. A manager who is visibly pushing down a panic attack each moment, choking on words and shaky hands. And you're too scared to ask to step down bc you already done so 3 times.. + +I have no idea whether to tackle the somatic issue, my panic attacks/nervous system arousal or the core issue, which is my feelings of not being worthy. I feel like I am inherently toxic and cold. I never say hi to anyone, even though a manager should be approachable and amicable... + +I will say; I focused a bit on healing somatically/the physical symptoms. At least with somatic healing I don't lock down and go onto a full blown panic attack anymore, where I am mute and shut down. I know my limit. + +I been a manager for a year now. I been avoiding my family, my career is falling apart and I have lost all my friends. I need help but I feel like financially it is not possible. + +I want to be medicated but SSRIs didn't do jack for me. Weed just bites you in the long run. Not sure if meds can ever really heal this. I just want to stop having panic attacks. But i know my core issues/inner monologue ans my unprocessed childhood trauma are what kick me into panic mode everyday. Panic mode makes me mute and silent, which peoppe percieve negatively. I go into work, and feel inadequate for anyone ever seeing me at my lowest. I avoid them out of fear of ridicule. And the cycle continues",Personality disorder +51022,"I act like a child and idk if it's just me or because of avpd People have commented before on this, and what it is, is that I basically look up to people in the way a child would look up to an adult, and I do this because I admire how other people my age act like real adults, and are confident and capable of doing adulty things. I absolutely am not a real adult, despite my age. + +I also tend to want these people to look after me a bit/ make me feel safe/ protect me from other people because I view them as competent whilst I'm essentially an over grown child. I suppose this could stem from childhood trauma where I didn't feel protected maybe, so I now try to hide behind other people to feel safe. + +I don't know if anyone else experiences this. I've never seen anyone talk about something like this before so I fear I'm just a complete weirdo 🥲🥲. I'm not sure if this is actually a sign I have dependent personality disorder or something instead of being avpd related. + +Hopefully you guys can let me know if this is avpd related or not.",Personality disorder +51023,"feeling better then worse again i know recovery is never an uphill slope but it still feels like shit when you take steps back. after getting little to no socialization for the past decade ive been really pushing myself to get out there more. ive joined a peer support organization for people with mental illness and ive been going multiple times a week. some days i feel like im making progress by challenging myself to engage in conversation and when it goes well it feels nice. but thats not every time... sometimes, like today, i feel like i dont belong and shouldnt be there. there were so many people today i just felt invisible and like i didnt matter so there was no point to even trying to make conversation. maybe it was too overwhelming or i had nothing to add to any coversations and yet i still feel like im back at square one. logically i know im not because im still going to keep trying but it just hurts to feel this way. to always feel like youre invisible and shouldnt exist. i dont want to feel like this. i want to have friends so badly its painful to be this lonely. i want to belong. and yet... i still believe i wont. im not giving up. it just sucks, personality disorders suck!",Personality disorder +51024,"I think I may have AVPD, anyone relate? I’ve been in therapy on and off since 2015. I’ve been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and bulimia. Recently I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD too. Though recently I’ve been thinking something more is wrong with me. I’ve been in therapy and been on meds since 2015 with med increases and it helps, but in stressful times or when I forget to take my meds I go back to the same thought patterns. Recently they’ve been coming up. + + +What makes me think it’s AVPD because for the past decade and a half I’ve always felt inadequate and not good enough, no matter what I do. It’s rare for me to think I’m “good” at something but even then I feel like I’m bragging and being obtuse or being narcissistic. Objectively I’ve had success, I’ve been to a reputable college and for grad school I went to an Ivy League school but I feel like it’s a fluke. + +I constantly feel like a nuisance and a burden. I regret and am critical with most of my reactions with other people and assume everyone is tired of me or thinks I’m annoying even though no one says anything or gives me one statement like “what’s up with all the talking.” + +I don’t like to be the first one to call someone a friend because I want to make sure they feel like they are my friend. I don’t want to impose myself on them and I assume they don’t want to be my friend. Even some of my friends now, I get into episodes where I assume they don’t like me but because they’re nice they tolerate me. I don’t like to reach out to them first because I don’t want to bother them. + +I don’t follow up with friendships because I don’t want to bother anyone. There’s people that I loved to spend time with and liked them as a human but I don’t want to bother them at all so I avoid. + +I don’t really date. I’ve had dating apps but I can only use them if I pay for the parts that lets me see who likes me first and then I go from there. + +Regarding jobs/working, initially I would take the first job offer I got because they wanted me, because I would assume I’m not good enough for any other place. I tend to be the person, since high school, to primarily only speak until I’m spoken to or is asked to speak, otherwise I stay quiet. I only have a handful of friends that I’ve known for at least a decade that I ask to hang out, but otherwise I usually don’t initiate conversations or social events. If I do it with high anxiety and expectation of rejection. + +Criticism is also detrimental to me. I’ve gotten better at it in the past year or so but it still just debilitates me. I feel like a failure and want to run away when I get criticism. + +So basically because I’ve been like this since high school (currently 30) I’m thinking I have AVPD. My job is social and interactive with people which makes it seem like I don’t have it but my impostor syndrome is so high unless I get verbal confirmation from others that I’m doing good. with everything else I assume I’m a bad person and I need to isolate and/or disappear; with family and friends and coworkers. + +Does anyone else relate? I have a therapist and I’m going to bring this up. + + +TL;DR +I think I have AVPD because of my baseline fear of rejection, criticism, wanting to have close friends but feeling inadequate and/or like a bad person, and I don’t want to initiate friendships or relationships unless they confirm they want to be my friend and/or like me. + +EDIT: I think I’m looking for anyone who thinks this might be AvPD and/or validation? Idk",Personality disorder +51025,"I saw someone I barely know sneakily taking a pic of me while in auditorium I'm currently in uni (not doing well) and today I decided to show up to a lecture, a girl from my dorm who takes the same classes as me sat in front of me. I saw her subtly taking a pic where I was in the background and circle my face out on it (to put the attention on me) in Snapchat. + +I have been avoiding all dorm activities and I know everyone else have become a tight group of friends while I have been too scared to go out there and get out of my dorm room to interact with anyone for the entire semester. + +When I think about it, it makes perfect sense that people find me weird and make fun of me. It's being the odd one out, the asocial guy who doesn't show his face. I mean I don't even know the names of the people in my hallway. + +I can understand why they would talk about my strangness or see me as weird, even be kind of disgusted by me. I am extremely akward, I lack social skills, I am anxious and get panic attacks (emotional flashbacks) when around people. I have no healthy boundaries and do not know who I am as a person (have no consistent sense of self). To cope with all this I avoid all situations in which people could reject me or shame me for my insecurities, lack of social skills etc. + +By avoiding situations, I am trying to avoid getting rejected or ridiculed, and deep down I know it's only normal to be frowned upon for being different or weird (think about the fact that you can't help but look at someone who walks weird because of arthritis, or when you come accros a homeless man lying on the side of the street). Your attention either gets caught or you try to consciously ignore it. + +Somehow I was still somewhat believing that I could fool the people in my dorm and hope they won't think of me as flawed, insecure, weird, antisocial, a loner etc. After seeing that I am indeed most likely a subject of ridicule, mockery, disgust etc to the people in my dorm I can fully drop my delusion. + +I have CPTSD and I developped my avoidance because of childhood emotional neglect/abandonment and abuse by my narc mother. My brain is wired differently than the average person with healthy and good enough parents. I didn't have secure attachments in childhood and I am for that reason developmentally arrested. + +The people in my dorm don't know me and don't know about my trauma or CPTSD. They are doing what humans do, pointing out the weirdness, the odd one out, the undesirable. + +It triggers people when they are confronted by something they don't understand or find weird, it's normal, they have their own insecurities and issues and can project all of that on the black sheep, on the odd one out. + +If I had healthy parents, good enough social skills and a fully developped and trauma free brain I would probably do the same when I encountered a weird person, heck I even have judged many people for being strange, undesirable or weird myself and thought I was superior to them.",Personality disorder +51026,,Personality disorder +51027,"how many people here have social anxiety as well? I keep forgetting that some of my vent posts are actually more to do with social anxiety than avpd (at least it seems to be that way, because people in here don't seem to relate to some of my posts so I guess it's more to do with social anxiety than avpd). + +Just wondering if u guys think you have both or just avpd. I'm a bit confused about how some people with avpd don't have social anxiety as I thought they went hand in hand, but I guess not.",Personality disorder +51028,"Anyone else dealing with addiction or substance abuse? I want to better understand the relationship to addiction in this group. Non-substance related (behavioral) addictions included. Please participate!! +I hope you’re having a good day :P + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11gdlet)",Personality disorder +51029,"Am I the only who doesn't give a shit about the current thing? I always have to somehow hear about whatever the hottest new topic is, be it politics, tech, music, media scandals, etc. And it is excruciatingly stressful to pretend to be interested in it whenever someone asks about it. + +\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Okay, I'm kidding, no one asks me anything about anything, cuz I don't talk to people. + +\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +But seriously, I see it all the time and EVERYONE has to respond to it. It's exhausting...",Personality disorder +51030,"I was triggered while talking to an old school friend and crashed the interaction This happened 9 month ago. + +I (M,50) was being approached by a woman that was in the same class in school with me some 30+ years ago. + +I was just loading groceries into my car when she drove past behind me and said loudly: ""oh hey, that's a familiar face... :-)"". + +I turned around and was pleasantly surprised to see her... we started to talk, she said she has seen me in this supermarket before. + +We exchanged some small talk... what do you do, where do you live, do you still have contact with the people of the past... this kind of stuff. + +I already was kind of nervous, because of the small talk situation, but when the topic of the other people from the past came up, i began to panic. + +The thing is, that i was being bullied for the 5 years that I was in this class. Not from her, she was always nice. + +But the time in this class left it's marks and I didn't want to have anything to do with the people from these circles after I was done there. + +So at the end of our talk she asked if we should exchange numbers... and i froze. + +There were just so many thoughts in my head, but i couldn't say any of them because none of these were appropriate for a casual conversation after 30 years. + +A small part of me was flattered that she remembered me and cared to approach me. + +But all the other parts of my brain were actively persuading me why this was not a good idea: + +""when i exchange numbers i will have to be prepared for her to call/text anytime, i don't like this."" + +""i clearly still have a problem with the ""old times"" and the people from the past."" + +""when i call/text with her then i will have to explain this sooner or later or just lie and pretend that these things did not affect me."" + +""this is not the kind of topic that i can casually bring up after 30 years, so i can't explain this, and don't think that i can lie, either..."" + +""besides, if i exchange numbers then i will have to, well, talk... text... ask questions... like a normal person, and since i live very isolated, i kind of forgot how to do this."" + +""and what do i do if she wants to get a coffee... or meet others..."" + +""it's better to just end this here now and not exchange numbers."" + +""but i can't say that i don't want to exchange numbers, who does something like this? i would have to explain this."" + +I was spiraling... + +I'm not sure how long i stood there saying nothing. I guess she could tell from my face that there was a problem. + +Then she said: ""you don't have to say anything"". + +I think I mumbled something like ""okay"", and ""it was really nice meeting you"" and we parted. + +I should have just exchanged the number and go from there. + +I really would have liked to be able to do this, but i couldn't. + +I regret this now, and i am constantly thinking if i should contact her (I know her address but of course not her phone number, so i would have to write a letter i guess) and try to explain things. + +At least tell her that it \*really\* was nice seeing her and that my reaction (or lack thereof), was not because of her, but had other personal reasons. + +But of course, everything is much more awkward now than if i would just have exchanged the number...",Personality disorder +51031,"am happy but also worried about the warmer weather It's starting to warm up because spring is coming and whilst I love the warmth, I also worry about spring and summer because I often feel really lonely at this time of year. Everyone will be going out and I will be stuck inside on my own :(",Personality disorder +51032,"Fear of jobs A person i know told me to give my resume at mcdonalds since he know people who work there, i told him i will think about it, and i'm getting so anxious, people i know work there, all i'm thinking is that i will get ridiculized by them because i'm inept and i have adhd, i heard it's pretty confusing working there, plus the restaurant is in city center, and there is alot of work. + +I'm almost 26, i know i have to start to live, i have zero experience, i'm still a f\*\*kin child, but i'm confused. + +Guys it's really really hard for me, what's your advice in this situation?",Personality disorder +51033,"I told my therapist about my assumption of AvPD He told me he doesn't think I have it, only SAD. Above all, the constellation in my parental home would not favor this. I think that many of my AvPD-like symptoms are probably due to my depression. + +Anyway, thanks for all your advice, it really helped me a lot :)",Personality disorder +51034,"Music's my only remedy I know it's not good for my ears but most of the time I'm always on my earphones. At this point, I really don't think I can go a day without them. Music is the only thing that makes me feel alive on this lonely journey of mine. It offers me a chance to zone out and escape my reality. Bottom line is that it really makes me feel better. + +Can you guys link me your favourite song, I would really appreciate it. This is one of my personal favorites right here - [Empire Of The Sun - There's No Need](https://youtu.be/eehJ9k5aKpI)",Personality disorder +51035,"Feel like a piece of shit I (23F) don’t know how to explain myself to the people closest to me. When they look at me they see potential and they figure I should be more independent. I graduated college in December and my family, although they won’t say it to my face, expected me to land an impressive, stable job right out of college but they didn’t realize (and I know this is mostly my fault because I never really opened up to them about it) that my avoidance got progressively worse as I went through college. + +I never made any friends. Not one. Always too self conscious and awkward. I don’t talk to anybody I met in college. I was even on the volleyball team and never got close to any of my teammates over the four whole years. Only kept it amicable and surface level. Always to scared to open up. I grew progressively more lonely as the years went on. I felt a lot of shame about my lack of social life and made sure to never really bring it up around family when I would see them over break. I figured all that mattered was that I get good grades and work hard in volleyball. Besides my social anxiety and depression would be so overwhelming most days, the only thing I felt like I had the energy for was school and sports. I was constantly overwhelmed and didn’t have the energy, desire, or confidence to be social. The worst part was hiding this part of myself from family. Always feeling like I’m constantly hiding. +I basically just went through the motions in college but that’s honestly all I had the energy for. It felt impossible to dream up a future, a career, because I was just trying to get by each day. I would always (and still do) feel guilty for wasting my time in college. For passing up dozens of opportunities that were right in front of me because of my avoidance and fear. + +So it’s been three months now that I’ve graduated and I still don’t know what I’m doing with my bachelors degree. I know I’m letting my family down. +I’ve been living in my mom and stepdad’s house since I’ve been out of college and I only recently got a job at a cafe and everyone seems to think I’m selling myself short, doing the bare minimum. The thing is, this job was basically handed to me because my mom is one of the managers and they were desperate for people. I only just started this job and dealing with the customers has been hell. But I thought this would be a good way to finally step out of my comfort zone. Even if I’m not using my degree yet at least I’m earning my own money right? Wrong. It doesn’t feel like enough. I suppose I feel pressure to live up to other people’s expectations of me. But I also honestly know I should be doing more. I should have a license, a social life, an exciting job, more independence—but there’s something wrong with me, something missing. I know I should have more compassion for myself but that’s really hard in the position I find myself in. + +I’m honestly more frustrated with myself than anything. I feel intense shame about my lack of social skills and general fear of people. This simple cafe job even feels like too much for me because of all the interacting with customers, which only fills me with more shame and frustration. If I can’t handle this job then what can I handle? I feel stuck and hopeless. I think I might be looking into a therapist so there’s that. +Sorry for making this so long.",Personality disorder +51036,"life discoveries For many people, i believe the following is true: + +your would-be favorite food and favorite drink is out there yet to be discovered. + +there is a hobby/activity/sport which you have never tried which would become your favorite if you did + +A person exists somewhere who would be your best possible friend if you met + +There is a place which would be your favorite place to visit or favorite place to live. + +&#x200B; + +Its so important to try as many things as possible, even for an avoidant. You dont know what you are missing - literally.",Personality disorder +51037,"Just a warning. But don't stop taking your meds. Hello, just want to share my experience. Please watch out with using meds long term. +Especially benzos. + +If you need meds you need meds. No doubts. But most meds don't heal. They're a temporary solution. + +I compare benzos to alcohol.. Very effective for anxiety. Strange comparison? No, they both make things worse in the long term. A benzo addiction is one of the worst addictions you can have. +My psychiatrist putted me on them for 5 years daily. In didn't knew better 15 years ago. No internet... Very irresponsible from him. + +The withdrawals are insane. I never experienced something like that. Even more harsh compared to hard drugs (well,benzos are a hard drug). And I did a lot of drugs in the past. I learned from it. 15 years ago I said for every problem there's a pill. Can you imagine that? I was delusional and unaware. + +There's not a magic pill or drug. Sorry I have to say this. +Maybe I'm saying well known things. +But use benzos with caution. 4 weeks at max... Or 2 times a week. Otherwise you're in for a very unpleasant surprise that can ruin your life. + +But yeah... I'm not a doc...and don't stop taking your meds cause you're reading this. Talk about it with a professional. Ask advice. Do research about the meds you're taking. +Meds can help a lot. But not long term. Long term a big no go.",Personality disorder +51038,"My first post on any social media, ever My only purpose of writing this is probably just to vent. I don't even know if this is a right sub for me to post on, because I don't have any diagnosis, but I feel I can relate to most things described here. I'm 23 years old and basically I feel like a defective human specimen. I'm scared of everything, every task or opportunity seems impossible to achieve. Even when I'm writing this I can almost feel physical pain. I can't communicate with people and feel inferior to basically everyone and unworthy of anything. The feeling of powerlessness and inability to change this is unbearable. I don't know why I decided to write all of this and what to expect, but here it is. +Wishing a good day for anyone that might somehow read this post.",Personality disorder +51039,"Do people get upset at you because you used to talk to them a lot then you stop talking to them? I talk to a lot of people sometimes then I get really exhausted and can’t keep up. Then I don’t want to talk to many people anymore. The people I end up not talking to anymore, some get really upset at me for not talking to me anymore, but they don’t tell me, so how am I supposed to know?",Personality disorder +51040,"Noticing negative behaviours while talking to someone I quickly notice negative behaviours when i talk to people. I feel like their sound changes, they roll their eyes etc. So i stop talking to them immediately. And when i notice, it ruins my day. It is one of the things that makes me avoid most of the social interactions. + +Can you guys relate?",Personality disorder +51041,,Personality disorder +51042,"I really need to go to the pharmacy please, someone to encourage me, help me.. it's going to get worse if I don't go, it's been more than a week already. + +I hate that I'm neglecting and self-isolating myself so badly because of my issues, I hate it so much. I'm so lonely, the only motivation I have is from myself -and needless to say there's literally none + +incidentally I have to see a doctor, a dentist, an orthodontist, and an endocrinologist and it's so so so hard to get myself to do it oh god, I'm like slowly decaying",Personality disorder +51043,,Personality disorder +51044,"I am really, truly screwed this time My parents have decided to stop paying for my food, in the middle of a catatonic depression. I’m scared for myself. I woke up today finally having had enough with starving. I was on my way to the store, for the first time in a month (I’ve only been running low about a week tho), when I got this text from my dad: + +“Do not spend any money at all this week. Rent is coming out and there is ONLY enough in there for the payment. Unfortunately, you have gone through the remainder of the ‘borrowed money’ from the loans I took out. And you didn’t get a rent discount this year because you filled out the renewal too late. You will have to ask for permission before any new expenses for us to move money into the account.” + +I’m backed so far into a corner. I am just defeated. I have no food left, I have no money, and I can’t bear the judgement. It feels like I’ve already lost everything, now they’ve even taken *my food?* I can’t do anything about it in this mental state. They don’t even know I’ve already failed out of my semester and can’t leave my apartment. And my parents are insane. Legitimately delusional and abusive human beings. I mean I’m crazy, but these folks? Who starves their mentally ill son because ‘there’s not enough money’ and then flies to Vegas for the weekend for a vacation? I hate myself but even I don’t deserve this. + +The isolation, judgement, and control I live under is unimaginable. There’s nothing metaphorical about it, it is torture. + + +Edit: I’m doing alright, got some help from a friend for this week. Looking into my options.",Personality disorder +51045,"Expecting too much from friends? If people I care about don’t make it extremely evident to me that they also actually care about me then I feel unsafe & I just want to ghost them, but I also really can’t tell where the line between me needing too much reassurance is vs them genuinely showing me that they’re not that interested. + +I don’t really believe that anyone would want to be around me or understand why they would, which also clouds my view. I feel like having friends is so painful for me because I’m always feeling like they don’t want me around & not knowing if I should just completely stop talking to them if we haven’t talked a lot lately or if any aspect of our dynamic shifts. + +It’s actually easier & less painful to ignore being lonely than it is to be confronted with constantly feeling inadequate & unwanted. I needed to vent about this, but I also want to ask if these feelings have lessened for anyone over time? If it’s just going to be this uncomfortable forever then I actually don’t think it’s worth it.",Personality disorder +51046,Meditation Hey y’all. I’ve just been wondering if any of you have tried and had success overcoming symptoms through meditating. Could it be worth a shot?,Personality disorder +51047,"Feeling worthless in my relationship because my partner's tone sounds dismissive at times? I get feelings of worthlessness as soon as the infatuation fades even by a fraction. + +It's fucking brutal, I can't fucking live wondering when is my partner gonna get bored with me and see me as plain as I see myself all the goddamn time. I sometimes get this idea of asking normal people how insecure they are in a relationship and measure that and compare it to how insecure I am. The difference in results is probably gonna be crazy. Is it normal with this disorder? or I'm even worse than regular people with avpd? This is gonna drive me crazy one day, I already feel myself wanting to leave",Personality disorder +51048,"small victories I’ve been secretly struggling with avpd for years, I couldn’t even tell you when it began. What I do know is- it started out as severe social anxiety and has gotten progressively worse as times passed. I have panic attacks/trouble sleeping nearly every day and feel like I’m incapable of doing anything 99% of the time. I’ve never told anyone about my struggles. Today I started online college and signed up for betterhelp therapy through my school. I’m absolutely terrified for this journey but I’m proud of myself for pushing myself to get here. As someone who’s struggled to commit to a career/obligations and take initiative with anything- this is huge for me. I never thought I could get to this point- and I still have to follow through with everything I’ve committed to lol- but I’m wishing you all the best and encourage you to celebrate your little victories everyday.",Personality disorder +51049,"Current 'golden' standard: High school degree, college degree, full-time job, financially stable, boyfriend/girlfriend, children, social life, friends, physically attractive, and mentally stable. How many of these do y'all have?",Personality disorder +51050,,Personality disorder +51051,"How often do you avoid reading DMs out of fear of what they might say? I just went a week without reading a DM I got after hanging out last week cause I felt they might not want to hand out again. The message actually said ""Hey was fun hanging out, happy to hear from you again""",Personality disorder +51052,"I can't trust my own judgement When it comes to dealing with people, from family to coworkers, I go completely blank and my brain just shuts off. Like my brain is like oh you have to talk someone, count me out. Afterwards, I can draw a million reasons why the way someone behaved, mostly negative and I have no objective insight into how the person received the interaction. I'm honestly lost, so to not be a burden and not become depressed I'm just going to isolate. It's easier, safer and more peaceful. I have no conviction that I'm able to socialize.",Personality disorder +51053,"I am so damn scared of my therapist I heard avoidants are reluctant to seek therapy... + +Well, in 2021 I had a very hard time struggling with my mental health (I have ocd). I scheduled therapy 3 times with 3 different therapists and unscheduled it before every appointment because I couldn't gather the courage to go, I could not stand the fear of being judged and exposing my vulnerability like that, I felt so ashamed I wanted to vanish. + +Anyway... currently, I am on meds for my ocd because I finally managed to go to a psychiatrist. +However, I don't wanna be on meds forever, so I started therapy too. + +It has been 3 sessions so far and I am seriously considering leaving. Although I see how this can be helpful, I cannot stand the shame it brings me to talk about myself like that. It doesn't matter how many times the therapist says he won't judge me and understands me. My brain tells me that is absolutely impossible. + +To make it worse, I cried last time on therapy because I was talking about some very personal struggles. This made me even more ashamed. + +The therapist lives near my house and as fucked up as that sounds I am so scared to walk near the place where he lives and cross him on the street (it happened once)..... yesterday I was there and felt as if I was gonna faint, not exaggerating. The shame is unbelievable. + +My next session is on Friday... today is Wednesday... oh dear God I can't believe I am paying to feel like this. + +I can't even tell if his approach is the problem or if it is just my avoidance. Honestly I think I'd feel like this with any therapist.",Personality disorder +51054,"it's killing me I spend my days ruminating about what could have been , i basically stopped living when i was 14 years old , (i am 27 now) , i wish I can just go back in time to change everything",Personality disorder +51055,"I'm too patient with my parents for their own good She doesn't deserve to ask for a hug and especially not in the right to pretty much force it on me while she says she's ""just stressed"" after yelling in my face because I made a minor mistake. Then complains about how neither me nor my dad give her affection. If she and I can agree the man she married is horrible, then she should be able to look in the mirror and recognize what she sees too, but no, coz she's ""better than him"". + +I'm only ever patient with her and when she happens to see what i did isn't to perfection, I'm just degraded in the angriest and loudest manner possible and reminded for how i keep making mistakes. Then there's my dad who is an emotionally and verbally abusive misogynistic narcissist whom i just tolerate because anytime i say something I'm deemed too young to know anything or too serious. + +Even though I silenty seeth with anger everytime they put me down, everytime that anger and resentment fades away, I still go back to craving the love I want from them and loving them the ways I know I can that they will accept. They're very fortunate to have as good of a daughter as I am and they don't even realize it. Why do I have to live with this repeated mistreatment for being human :(",Personality disorder +51056,,Personality disorder +51057,"""You’re not a one hundred dollar bill, not everyone is going to like you"" Okay, what if no one does? By this logic I must be a real piece of shit.",Personality disorder +51058,"a guy I don’t know if this is the right place to post, but there is this guy in my uni, he is very enthusiastic with me, maybe because I was nice with him when I saw him depressed (still says he is), he spends so much time alone. +but I don’t know how to return the enthusiasm, and I feel so disappointed in myself after each convo with him, I have never had any friend growing up, so I don’t have that much experience when talking to people, but he is a really nice person and I don’t wanna keep disappointing him. +sometimes I avoid him just cuz I don’t wanna keep giving him more depression out of my dryness.",Personality disorder +51059,"Ghosting a client and stressing myself out daily Hello. So I woke up stressed again and thought I should really open up here because maybe others are going through something similar. Long story short I’ve had such a hard time with finding and keeping work and part of it is because I have difficulty communicating especially when things done go as planned. I’ve gotten so behind on a project that I feel frozen. The days and weeks just keep passing by and I keep avoiding talking to the client about the true status and stress keeps growing. I’m afraid to even check my emails most days. I know what I need to do and I know I need to talk to the client so that I can move forward and also so that I can get paid, but I really feel frozen with shame and avoidance and stress. Frozen is the best word to describe it. I hate these feelings.",Personality disorder +51060,"I really miss having friends I think about old friends every single day, always reminiscing about the good old days where I used to have people that liked me and I used to laugh a lot and make memories I've never since forgotten. I regularly fantasise about still hanging out with old friends I haven't spoken to in over a decade, making up memories that never happened just trying to forget that are not part of my life anymore. + +The only times I've ever been truly happy was just being ""one of the guys"" where I was invited to things and people liked having me around for some reason I couldn't quite understand. And I just pushed everyone away assuming they all secretly hated me, with absolutely evidence to support that claim. Then I spend the rest of my life thinking about them every day hoping some day they might still think of me and reach out cause I definitely am not the one to do it first. + +I haven't had a friend in years now and my life feels so empty without them, they really do fill a massive gap in my life. Feeling wanted and liked by others is the best thing I've ever felt, but it never lasts long before they see how really odd I am and a distance starts forming. + +Anyway sorry for the rant, just having one of those days that even though it's exactly the same as every other day, it also just feels worse for some unknown reason.",Personality disorder +51061,harmless situations cause embarrassment and shame i dont understand why such minor situations cause me so much embarrassment and shame. i just asked to sign up for something and i was told i cant until tomorrow and now im hating myself and wishing id never leave my house or socialize. thats something that would mean nothing to other people and yet it makes me feel nauseous. i really hope these symptoms can get better because i dont know how i could live the rest of my life this way. im tired of feeling constant shame and embarrassment when im in public and within social situations that leave me feeling suicidal when its never a big deal to anyone else. i hate how sensitive i am especially to silly things. does anyone else feel this way?,Personality disorder +51062,"How do you make peace with the idea of never dating/falling in love? As a 28M, whose never been in a relationship before, I don’t see myself really learning or understanding how to date/be a good partner, on the level of women who are my age. + +For others in this situation, how do you cope? I’ve thrown myself at my career as an addiction counselor, guitar, poetry, working out, boxing, but a bit of a void is still there. What else can I do to stop feeling like I’m missing out?",Personality disorder +51063,"What is AvPD like? I had social anxiety or still have some of it. I also was diagnosed with AvPD by one therapist but I am not sure if that one fits. +I tick a few boxes and every personality style test says I am anxious avoidant but I don't really know what that would mean. + +So what it something that makes someone AvPD in your experience?",Personality disorder +51064,"Narcissistic mom uses family pet as a weapon I don't live with my her anymore so she has less power but she likes to use my bond with the family dog as a weapon. My vulnerable narcisstic brother (over 30yo) ''pretends'' not to like the dog, he doesn't actually hurt the dog but he pretends not to like it and the dog can sense it and feels confused. He moves between this and making a joke about it in front of others to cover himself that it is just purely an act. For example, i know he will have some pictures taken with the dog showing that he likes the dog so if anything were to happen he would play victim. (yet he will keep them hidden) + +My nmon knows my brother does this out of insecurity towards me and she plays to it, when I speak to her on the phone she will bring my, brother, into the conversation even when I was not talking about him she pretends to mishear that id asked him a question just so he can say something like''' im just busy punching the dog' then my nmom gleefully says back to me he says he's says he is punching the dog, and she does this to make sure I say something back so they get the reaction their looking for even though she knows I can hear perfectly well what he said. I dont take the bait but says something to move the conversation along like'' sounds pretty lame''. + +They do this routine all the time in different ways and my nbrother has even started a new one where he jokes about getting ready for his fight with me and my nmon plays to this aswell, encouraging the imaginary conflict and trying to bait me into saying something back that escalates the situation. Of course again if anything were too happen I would be blamed regardless of the outcome cause it's all just a joke after all. Making vague threats of violence and beng low-key mean to the dog. + +My nmon has done this in the past with her ex bf she would vaguely threaten me with him and she would encourage them to ''step up'' and argue with me when they didn't really want too. That led to a fight one time with her bf confronted my youngest brother and cornered him in the bathroom He came out crying and said he got punched which led me to react and a fight. (my bro lied, he was just scared). I ended up getting arrested and blamed for the whole situation, the bf holds deep grudge against me because the trauma so I have to avoid certain family gatherings where he is there. Even though my nmom orchestrates the whole thing. + +Just wanted someone to share this with as its quite depressing",Personality disorder +51065,"Feeling guilt. I've had the perfect childhood, all the opportunities, great parents, a lot of friends (that even now, 30 years later are my friends). + +My parents supported me in everything, my mom is the best. + +Then I got meningitis and everything changed. I was never the same again. Started doing drugs to cope with my emotions (yes, weed is still an addictive drug) , partying all weekends with my friends. Xtc was just a normal thing when going to techno parties. It's the love drug... You feel so connected with others on xtc. Everyone was on xtc. +Got addicted to weed for 20 years. Luckily I quitted with that 3 years ago. + +My mom was always worried about me. Now she's 73 years old and still worrying about me. +It's my task now taking care of them. But I can't. +My dad is dementing. When visiting them I use kratom(legal). +I feel normal and happy then. +Me happy=my mom happy. But it's masking. Not the real me. If my mom sees me happy and positive... And yes... I notice that directly...if my parents are happy and not worrying... I feel better, I don't want them to worry. +I just want her to be proud, she says it doesn't matter. I am who I am and she will always be proud of me. But... I see the difference, i can read and feel emotions from others very good.... More a curse than a blessing. + +Sometimes I can't clean my house cause I feel to bad. And really.. It feels that people care more about that instead of me. The first thing they ask...did you clean. They don't ask... How do you feel. + +So, if someone wants to visit me now I need to know it a few days before the visit. Then I clean, even if I feel bad. My mom can't visit me unexpected. + +She wants to help me... I don't want that anymore. I'm not a kid. +Masking my emotions with kratom for seeing people and not worrying them.. Yes, I'm not complaining about my life when I see them, I'm positive. And I really feel good than. So.. It's not fake... But In a way it's fake. +It's making things worse. +Not for the outside world, they see me when I'm on kratom and don't understand why I'm on healthcare. Sometimes I hear that others are saying I'm taking advantage of the healthcare system. That's very hurtfull to hear. +I realize I could have normal life. Just one dose of kratom.. And I feel normal. Like I want to be. +But that's not how it works. +Now, if someone wants to visit me I use kratom for having less anxiety. And yes, kratom is a miracle for anxiety, depression. A very difficult choice.. Staying at home for weeks or using kratom, going to a concert and seeing new people. +On my YT channel I'm the most positive person. Making videos, talking, social. No one has a clue about how I really feel. + +My biggest fear is losing my parents.. And it's coming closer and closer. I feel so much guilt towards them. I can't even think about that. I owe everything to them. I want them when they leave this earth... I want them to know that I'm doing good. That it's not their fault. They don't need to worry. I will be alright. So they can go in peace. + +Gonna stop now cause I'm tearing up. + +Have a good evening.",Personality disorder +51066,"I just want to throw my smart phone away. Hello, I'm I the only one? But the more I use social media the more I feel alone. Social media isn't social at all. Sometimes I delete everything on my phone.. Feeling so much better but then I'm getting the fomo feeling. Installing all the apps again cause I don't want to dissapear and worry people. + +But it's most of the time the opposite...people I support suddenly dissapear. A difficult thing to handle. + +I'm replying to extended to DM's. +When someone criticize me I overreact.. Feeling very bad afterwards.. I don't want to be that way. + +People dissapear with one touch on a button. And I'm thinking the worst. A person on IG when I had my mental health support page killed himself a while ago. We texted every night for months. +I can't save or rescue people. But that was a difficult thing to deal with. Like I failed. + +So, it's better to quit it all. Social media is poisoning society. + +I can't expect people to care cause I care for them. Sad but true. + +But it's a vicious circle.",Personality disorder +51067,"wasted opportunities Anyone one else kinda smart but because of zero social skills, they never made it + +I have load of education and a degree, but during my degree I was an avoidant mess who struggled socially, and once I left there and tried to work it was just traumatic. I'm 30 now and never worked in the field my degree is in and never plan to. + +I have just closed the door on that part of my life and im still just surviving lol. I hop from one meaningless job to the next, usually low paid, and then when people start judging me cos they can see I'm intelligent, and are like why the fuck are you here, I create distance, then bail out of shame",Personality disorder +51068,"What is it like for me having APD? For me, having APD is like dying in slow motion. You just watch all these years go by, one after another, as you unwillingly stay alone and sabotage your relationship potential with others. It's like standing stationary on a train station platform, and just watching the trains of life pass you by, year after year, but you are too terrified to ever get into any of the trains. Anyone else feels the same? That's how I can describe it",Personality disorder +51069,"how to you recover from being a ghoster during the pandemic my social skills plummeted as well as my mental health. i deleted all social media and effectively made it impossible for anyone to contact me. i had a lot of friends, many who were friends for 5-10+ years… but i ghosted them. all of them. i was in such a horrible mental state for over a year, that when i finally came out of it all that was left was shame. + +its been 3 years now and i’m extremely lonely but i don’t think going back and trying to apologize would mend any of these relationships. i know i’m a horrible person for doing this but it’s like i can’t help myself.",Personality disorder +51070,,Personality disorder +51071,"is it avpd? for basically my whole life i have been scared to get close to anyone. getting close to people and trusting them with personal things about me terrifies me but i want to experience it so badly. i feel as if i come across basically like a cold bitch to most people because i struggle to give out compliments, or say i love you to anyone (especially family). it just feels embarrassing in a way. + +another thing is that i hate it when someone likes me too much because i know that i can't give them back what they expect from me and it makes me feel so guilty. i had a very average childhood with my parents divorce when i was 5 being the only significant thing i can think of. my dad and his new wife bring up to me all the time that i'm distant and cold and that i need to make more of an effort and i'm trying my best to but even just simple things like calling his wife by her name takes so much energy out of me to the point of wanting to breakdown as it's so overwhelming. + +i just like don't trust myself or my judgement at all and can never tell what level a relationship i have with someone is at + +and idk where any of this came from as i don't remember being any different😭 + +is this avpd or something else?",Personality disorder +51072,,Personality disorder +51073,"AvPD among AvPDs Do you feel that you'll be alienated even here, among people that have ""same feelings""? ""I bet they hate it, so I won't post anything"", ""I can't figure out how to make a good comment, so if I do, they'll think I'm stupid"", ""Should I show same reaction, to fit it"", ""I'm not diagnosed, so I think my experience isn't worth of sharing"". + +Hiding your TRUE SELF even here. Same society, same rules, same reaction.",Personality disorder +51074,"How to get job like this? I have terrible avpd social anxiety and hyperhidrosis combination +I cant even talk on phones...no friends no job at 25 +And dont have guts to apply for jobs even if i do i will not go for interview and i have no skills even if I'm graduate +How to regain the self worth and confidence pls help +I cant evn afford therapy..",Personality disorder +51075,"The hollow self My life is spent largely devoted to work. Between morning prep, commute, actual work hours, and evening prep like laundry, packing lunches, and other small maintenance tasks I only get about 3 hours a day to be myself. After all, I need to be in bed at a decent hour or else I won’t be well-rested for the next work day. That’s it. That’s my life. + +Meanwhile, even though I’m so devoted to work that I sacrifice the vast majority of my life for it, I’m barely earning enough money to survive. I have over $50,000 in debt that is slowly growing as I struggle to make ends meet. I don’t know if I can ever pay it off. I can pay off maybe 1/3rd of it if I really push hard and eat ramen for the next 6 months. I’m turning 40 in 6 months. + +At what point am I supposed to go from “surviving” to “thriving”? I know most people earn the majority of their money later in life but I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. What is my purpose? Why am I grinding on the world’s worst-ever RPG system? I feel like I’m on an economic treadmill that keeps speeding up every year, and at some point I know I won’t be able to keep up. + +My job itself is relatively easy, I’m a data analyst at a medical device manufacturer. For the most part it’s just pulling reports for managers and being really good at Excel and Power BI. Though I don’t know if I’m that good at my job. Tomorrow marks 1 year in this position, and every night I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum. Like I’m that guy on the team that everyone else talks about behind his back. I imagine they say things like, “He’s so slow. What’s he even doing all day?” or “I better schedule this meeting because if I wait for him to do it, it’ll never get done.” They don’t say these things out loud of course, and maybe they don’t even think them… but maybe they do. Maybe I’m just treading water but refusing to swim towards the shore. I think I’m ok because my head is still above water, but realistically if I keep doing this I will drown. I need to swim. + +I just feel like such a loser, all the time. I don’t have kids, and I don’t want them. I’m not married, but I’ve been in a relationship with someone for just over 12 years. We live together. She makes a lot more than I do, so she pays the mortgage and I pay everything else. It’s probably not a fair arrangement for her, but I just literally don’t make enough to split everything 50/50. She earns $40k more than I do a year. She would literally need to pay our mortgage 3x a month just to get to my wage. Then we could split the 4th one, that would make it even. Even with that justification in my mind, it makes me feel like a loser. Not that she makes more than me- good for her! She deserves it! Just that I can’t contribute equally. I feel like a mooch. We work the same hours at the same company and do roughly the same amount of work. But her’s pays more. Them’s the breaks I guess. + +Overwhelming shame. About nearly everything. + +I’m too fat. I’m too bald. I’m too old. + +I’m not smart enough. I’m not rich enough. I’m not funny enough. + +I know those are called “automatic negative thoughts”, or ANTs, and like ants they should be easy to squash. I’ve read about them in cognitive behavioral therapy books. I would go to therapy, but it’s expensive. My company pays for 3 sessions a year. The other 49 weeks you can fuck off and die, I guess. + +Is there more to this life? Is this all I’m supposed to do? Click buttons all fucking day, sit on the couch and scroll on my phone while watching some insipid movie or tv show, then repeat? All day, every day, until I’m old enough to scrape by on social security? This is it, huh? This is the whole fucking thing? + +There needs to be more, because I swear sometimes it just doesn’t feel worth it. I’m not suicidal or anything but like what exactly is motivating me to keep going? + +I have hobbies and interests, and I indulge in them as often as I can. I grow hot peppers and make my own hot sauces, I hike in the woods and enjoy nature, there’s so many things to occupy my free time—if I HAD ANY- but the fact is I devote 87.5% of my day to making someone else richer. So my measly 3 hours a day- which are in the darkness by the way because the sun has set- are not exactly prime times for gardening or hiking. I have an automatic timer that waters my plants for me because I can’t even be present to tend to my own garden. + +It’s absolutely ridiculous. + +When exactly am I supposed to do anything of substance, of value? + +3 hours in the fucking dark. + +That’s what I get to live off of. + +Most of that time is spent focusing on my increasing mound of debt. + +$50,000 would literally change my life and put me back in the green for the first time in years. Meanwhile, I get to help analyze the company private jet spend. Cost us over $365,000 to operate for a total of 11 days last month. We paid $75,000 just in pilot fees for the month of January. I don’t earn that in a year. So when I see how much money there is, how much is available to toss around, and just how little of it I get… why would I “work harder”? Why would I sign up for more of this disrespect? + +I just don’t know why. Why can’t I work 4 days instead of 5? Why can’t I be remote, considering I have only had 1 face-to-face meeting in the last month? I’m wasting a ton of money on a car that I primarily use to get to work, a ton of money on a special wardrobe that I only wear at work—it’s absurd. And depressing.",Personality disorder +51076,"Feeling I don't belong When I'm alone or doing my own thing, I don't feel alone so much. I'm used to being alone and doing my own thing, and here and there I communicate with people. That's okay. But when I'm suppised to be part of a group, I start to feel inferior to others and that I don't belong. Everyone else is interacting with each other but somehow I am left outside the group. + +The school and Uni were propably the worst, because you are alone amongst everybody else everyday. In my current work everything is okay, because I work from home and I don't see the others interacting all the time. I just pretend that everyone else is doing their work alone, same as me. But. Now we have this group work at my work and now I feel alone again. We should be interacting with each other, but I'm not interacting with anyone. In meetings I hear how everyone else has been working with each other, except for me.. Group work makes me feel so alone :(",Personality disorder +51077,"When people are so surprised to learn something about you because you're so quiet I think we all know that feeling. When you reveal something about yourself and people are so surprised that you're also human. + +It makes me sad because it reminds me that people see me as this unapproachable & uncool person when I have my own personality. It makes me feel disingenuous and makes me even more self conscious about how I come off.",Personality disorder +51078,"I'm such a cynical person And it feels totally warranted. Its like I'm sensitive to when people are trying to take advantage of me. I'm aware we live i a society that's all about money. Whenever I see an ad or celebrity I don't feel the positive emotions other people do so much im more focused on the awareness of what they are trying to do. I know in the real world I have few allies if any. I do know good people exist but I am disconnected from them by my experience is too unrelatable, and they are hard to find.",Personality disorder +51079,"It's getting harder to pretend I'll be okay My birthday was last month. I turned 26. I went to a buffet with my mom because she was the only one who remembered. It was nice, but the whole time I also had this cold dread in my stomach because this is my life, that this is going to be my life forever. And a month out the dread is still here. It's hard to breathe sometimes when I think about how I'm closer to 30 now than to 20, over a quarter of the way through my life by any metric, and I have nothing at all to show for it. I still haven't met basic milestones others do in their teens. And I don't see myself meeting them anytime soon. I never learned how to drive. I've never lived on my own. I've never held a job for longer than a year. I've never had a friend, let alone a romantic attachment. Most of my hometown is a mystery to me because I've never gone anywhere or experienced anything. And at this point, the idea of trying to fix what's wrong is scarier than just rotting away on my own. + +Sorry for the melodrama. Point being, I'm not in a great place right now and it's just getting worse over time. And I can't talk to anyone about it, because I don't know anyone except my mom, and she really doesn't understand why I can't just force it. To be fair, I don't understand either. Thanks for reading, and have a good day.",Personality disorder +51080,"Why do I always say to myself that my life doesn’t matter? It happened lots of times in my life. I liked some girl and she maybe liked me too, but my thought process was “it doesn’t matter that I like her, it’s just me and I don’t matter, she is better off without me, I will just ignore her”, or if something bad happens to me and I am like “oh, it doesn’t matter, it’s just me, so it’s acceptable” + +It’s like I feel like my life doesn’t matter and bad things happening to me and unhappiness is normal. In grand schema things maybe it’s true, but I personally shouldn’t feel like this right? My life should mean everything to me, it literally is the only thing I will be ever living.",Personality disorder +51081,,Personality disorder +51082,"Idk if this fits here, but I just decided to share this, they treat me nicely, but it just seems so, fake, to me Idk, I used to have an ok outlook on life + +I now just see things, such as 2025, as unreachable, out of reach",Personality disorder +51083,"Crying when seeing sth cute/innocent? Whenever I see something cute and/or innocent, it literally hurts my heart. The classic pain in the heart that anyone who ever had depression/lovesickness knows about. Basically like a dagger stabbing you. Anyone feel the same? + +Examples: + +Dad just bought a used Mac & iPhone and he is so happy about it. Wtf would I want with a Mac/iPhone... But his happiness, over such a simple thing, hurts me. + +Mum finishing knitting one of her blankets/socks. Mum greeting the dog. WHATEVER makes mum happy, makes me sad af, because mum has depression too and idk how she can be happy. Why cant I be like her.... + +My GF just built a new computer, its her first one, she is very excited to do some vtubing on twitch or whereever. She's so happy about it... everytime I hear her being excited about it, it hurts so hard. When Im alone it even makes me cry (rare cuz im usually way over crying, depression level wise). Also anything else she is happy about, like a new plushie, or whatever she cooked, its always so innocent that it just hurts. (inb4 ppl doubt my AvPD cuz i have GF: I ghost her for about 4 out of 7 weekdays, for no reason at all, cant do anything against it... Yet she stays, idk why.) + +The dog greeting my parents. Animals in general.. + +My grandpa being happy about anything even tho he old. + +I just want their lifes, I guess? I cannot be happy and I only think about negative stuff all fkin day. But im stuck in my own world, my own body, so I sleep more than 50% of the day. That way I only feel like shit 50% of the day. 5head move, I know. + +Tldr: Seeing innocence hurts my heart. Do you feel the same?",Personality disorder +51084,"does trauma play a part in your avpd? i was wondering how many people think the disorder formed because of trauma in their childhood? for me the main reason i have avpd is because of emotional neglect and trauma from bullying. i think symptoms started showing up during the bullying. my self hate really took off from there. its kind of a mess though since i was dealing with depression and anxiety at that age but i can see it all makes sense why i have these symptoms. after just a few years of it i completely isolated myself and spent years in solitude. i dont think i would have avpd without all the trauma as a child. from what i see on certain posts is that some people dont seem have that factor in the formation of their avpd. whats your experience? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11dwi28)",Personality disorder +51085,"If it were common and completely socially acceptable to go no contact with the world and there were resources to do it safely, would you do it? Or do you still crave companionship and affection still?",Personality disorder +51086,"Pet Peeve: When people think I owe them conversation triggers my AvPD bad. Does anyone else get annoyed when either family or strangers get an attitude with you if you don't entertain their conversation? I can be civil and nice IRL. I'm not walking around telling people eff you, eff this, eff that. However, the WORST ones are the people that think they are giving me golden advice like ""hey, don't do drugs"" but they have never known me to do such things. It's painting me in a bad light for me to agree with the advice willy nilly. But the kicker is: they get upset if I escalate and say I don't do drugs to begin with? Do I look like a crack head to them? + +They take it as me being **immature** and unable to take advice. So I am supposed to sit here and entertain disrespectful conversation with people giving me advice on not to be irresponsible and that's what makes someone mature? This has happened with strangers too where they think they can talk to me about avoiding marriage cause theirs suck or dating because of their own griefs. Whether I get married or whatever I do is not their business. + +I usually only get approached with stupid conversations like that by family. They get big mad when I shut it down. The only carrot they dangle over my head is money. I straight up rather be homeless than listen to me being accused of driving recklessly or my mom threatening about my insurance rates going up. New flash: It's my brother's car that has a smashed door because he crashed. My car is fine n dandy.",Personality disorder +51087,"A poem I wrote in high school I was clearing out my apartment today and found this. In high school I sent it in to be posted anonymously in a yearly ‘book of poetry’ that my school made. To my horror, I found out later that it wasn’t anonymous. I had no idea what AvPD was then, but it is shockingly relatable to look back on now. Hard to post, but it feels important that I do. + +—————————- + +I want to be understood + +but cannot be vulnerable. + +*The one who shows their hand first loses.* + +- +Carve into me and leave your mark + +the first one to strike feels betrayed most + +The retaliation is serrated + +But I just wanted to know you + +without borders, without pain + +*I just wanted to know you* + +- +You like me if you can assort me, + +label me and pin me down + +*aggressive bitch, salty witch,* + +*innocent dreamer, batshit idealist.* + +You color me all kinds of elegant + +but when it comes down to it, + +I’m only an impressionist. + +- +I keep trying to break free of what comes naturally to me, + +find myself in the labels you offer me, + +*but the mirror image is fake and so am I* + +- +I want to feel myself without your hand in my definition.",Personality disorder +51088,"I can't do this anymore I'm so tired, my life's going down the drain. I'm so tired. What will it be like to die?",Personality disorder +51089,"Looking for some good vibes Hello everyone, I am writing this because I've been reading posts on this sub for the past week, since I've learned about AvPD from my new therapist and researching about this disorder, as I believe I also suffer from it and have a curiosity from you people. + +Unfortunately, not to make anyone feel bad about it, as I know this condition is very hard to live with, but I have been trying to look for some success stories from people here, or maybe just some nuggets of hope from people that have managed to peacefully live this life. + +So my question for you, especially maybe for the older people here with the condition,or the ones that have managed to get married or with any other kind of ""success"", no matter how small, what is your outlook on life? What advice do you have regarding managing this condition? + +Although I've also had a rough couple of days, I'd like to believe that not all is bleak and that getting access to good stories from people similar to you can certainly help. + +Please share anything you'd like that might help me and others on this sub.",Personality disorder +51090,"The feeling when a weight of dread is lifted? At least twice a week on average, even for a brief period, I am flattened by a crushing wave of fear and dread and anxiety to the point where I taste blood in my mouth. It's a sickening feeling like you know something awful is going to happen even though you also know it's not really life or death. + +But then sometimes that weight is lifted instantaneously through a conversation or email or text. + +My question is what is your physiological and psychological response to that weight being lifted? + +The anxiety leaves your body suddenly and then.... + +sometimes I binge eat; the opposite of stress eating. It's not to celebrate but to cope. + +sometimes I have a giddy hyper energ + +sometimes like now it's just a solemn reflection + +wanted to know how you all coped with the release of torment?",Personality disorder +51091,"Anyone here with AvPD from Toronto or Gta? If so, I would love to meet up and talk about our sorrows together. I’m generally very scared of people but I think meeting up with another person who suffers from the same issues would be a comforting experience.",Personality disorder +51092,"I’m very cold towards women I have crushed on/find attractive. My guess is, I don’t think I have a chance, so it’d be better if they didn’t know I liked them, so I’m going to act so dismissive towards them that they could not possibly have any clue how I really felt. + +Anyone else relate? Any advice?",Personality disorder +51093,"Rescue fantasies Did anyone else have a lot of rescue fantasies when they were young and even today especially in regards to romantic relationships? I started having these rescue fantasies in high school and they’ve been coming back into my life recently very hard. I was obsessed with the anime revolutionary girl utena as a teenager and into today in my late 20s. I saw myself so much in Anthy and I wanted someone like Utena to come into my life and rescue me, fight for me, and love me. I’ve never been in a relationship but this is all I can fantasize about now is someone rescuing me and loving me. I recently found a music video like that that I sob every time I watch it but watch it multiple times a day because I want someone to rescue me like that so bad. +https://www.bilibili.tv/en/video/2009722095",Personality disorder +51094,"Is this gaslightning? Or something else? Is gaslightning if someone is trying to make you believe that you are unworthy, stupid, idiot, imbecile and that you will never achieve anything in life or is this just some other manipulation? + +I was getting this from my sister my whole life. She was older than me and even though when she as saying these things to me I always tried to “fight” back and say something similar to her it didn’t really work. She was older and more mature than me, so hearing it from her kind of made me believe that I really unworthy human who don’t deserve or achieve anything in life. She was calling me names since I was a small child, I don’t even remember times when she wasn’t calling me this. + +I don’t think that anyone would be able to gaslight me easily, but hearing it from older sister who I loved was painful for me. I don’t even know if I believed these things, it just made me feel bad that my sister hates me for no reason, or for idk what reason. And that made me think that if my own sister hates me than every hates me probably, which leads to low self-esteem I guess. + +She had control over me, when we still lived under the same roof. Anything she said I did for her, like some servant. + +Only years after leaving, I realized what was she doing to me wasn’t right. + +Is this gaslightning, or is it something else?",Personality disorder +51095,"what to say to those who you ghosted and what they might say I know some people are happy to cut ties with people, but others feel guilty or anxious about cutting ties and freeze because too much time has passed. If someone reached out to me and said something along the lines of struggling with personal things, that would be so helpful even if much time has passed. The people who you have ghosted are probably hurt and confused, and the truth is they probably internalized it as something THEY have said or done wrong. If they did not do anything wrong, that is something to highlight. + +""Hi. I just wanted you to know that I have been struggling with some personal things, and that's why I haven't reached out. I am still struggling and not ready to maintain friendships just yet. But I do want to let you know I care. I'm sorry if I have left you hurt and confused. It was not something you have done wrong."" I am not in a place to explain further, but I do hope you are well."" + +Some people may be understanding, and some people may still be reeling from the hurt and not respond at all, or they may decide that they do not want to open the door back up to having contact with you now or in the future because they felt that they were rejected and don't want to risk that again. Rejection hurts people without mental illness, too! That is not necessarily a rejection of you, but more of a reflection of the place where they're at mentally. It may have taken them a while to move on from the relationship/friendship. Some people may feel that keeping that door closed is protecting them from getting hurt again. In my opinion, that is more than a fair response so before you do reach out if you decide to, you have to mentally prepare for whatever decision someone will make. One way to look at it is you get the chance to prepare for their response when they never got a chance to prepare for being ghosted (unless you let them know you ghost at times).",Personality disorder +51096,"How many friends do you have? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11d5qbz)",Personality disorder +51097,"The Reset We All Need, Hypnosis Perhaps? I was wondering if perhaps anyone has had any experience with effective hypnosis in getting over a certain fear or habit. It occurred to me that perhaps this may be more effective than traditional therapy for AVPD",Personality disorder +51098,"Social anxiety disorder vs. Avoidant personality disorder How can you tell if you have social anxiety disorder or avoidant personality disorder? What are the differences? Do a lot of you have both? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11d5roo)",Personality disorder +51099,"do you feel the need to stop doing something you enjoy once others find out you do it? Or when you become a regular at a new place and other regulars start remembering you and you're no longer '' new''? + +Me too. I did not know it was an AvPD thing before finding this sub. The worst part is, i want to socialise and i want to not care what others think of what i e' joy. But i care. It feels like once others find out that i'm a real person, they start to expect me to behave like whoever they perceive me to be. And that puts pressure on me and it makes me want to run away.",Personality disorder +51100,"Urge to start over I wish i could just disappear. Like literally go missing, start a new life somewhere far away from here, never come back, have everyone who knows me currently think that i have died. I feel stuck",Personality disorder +51101,"Question about memories. Are your memories of your self in 1st person or 3rd person view? + +All of mine are 3rd person, unless it's of someone or thing; then I don't exist. But, if I am in the memory then it's always 3rd person. + +Any way... please discus. For I am slightly concerned.",Personality disorder +51102,"Rock. Bottom. I'm at rock bottom right now. I'm about to lose my job my next work day most likely and be jobless. Family is so disappointed in me. Everyday I'm in survival mode at work. Avoidance had bleeded into my job and I can't help it. The anxiety is too crippling and it makes me do all sorts of weird awkward shit at my job. My chronic isolation outside of work also seemingly killed my social skills so I feel numb to all interactions. I sense a mental breakdown is about to erupt and I'm likely to walk away the job but I'd rather get high and lose my job over marijuana then quitting. Either way, I'm doomed. I have a bad reputation in my job at this point, my real self is being exposed coworkers for sure shame gossiping me. My coworkers all have strong connections with each other now and I'm still that one insecure, awkward shy guy. So ashamed. Worked my warehouse job over a year and half now. Idk how I made it this far but my behaviorial symptoms have caught up to me. Literally avoiding everything at work and everybody. Hide in bathroom during breaktimes. Avpd and depression worst combo. Consequently, I didn't save enough money while working this warehouse job not only for myself but for the sake of my immediate family as well so everything about to come crashing on me. Addictions make saving money hard even at the sake of supporting family 😔. I let myself down and my family. Sighhh. What a crippling hell of a condition avpd + depression is. No excuses. I can't even leave my house. I can see myself being homeless potentially in the near future. Everything that involves making a decision I literally just can't do and that includes getting help. Ik this was a lot y'all just wanted to vent 😭. Your not alone if reading this keep your head high I don't mean to bring u guys down 😔. If you're making progress I'm proud of you and that means a lot for me and the rest of avpd sufferers. Thanks for reading!",Personality disorder +51103,"Cowardice That's is my main character, I've always been a coward and life is not for cowards. Why can't I choose to end my life with dignity instead of going through all this",Personality disorder +51104,"Relationship I started a relationship 6 months ago with a great guy, both of us are in our early 20s and were friends for a while before starting the relationship. He's kind, open-minded, respectful, communicative, I have no complains about him. That being said, since last year (mid 2022) I've had multiple problems related to my family and my mental health has gotten even worse. I have no friends and my only company is him and I dont think is healthy for him to be with someone like me: I self-isolate (been doing that since I was a girl), don't have much time for him (studies+work+family+mental health), my family doesn't support my relationships and they're capable of harming those I love (they're abusive but I have no possibility of leaving home, especially in my country). + +I barely have the energy to wake up in the morning and have spend the last years by myself without friends or a partner because of that. I'm diagnosed with depression, AvPD and eating disorders and have gone to therapy (with different psychologists who had different approaches) for +10 years and I have took different med combinations with no success. Currently I'm not in therapy and with no medication, but I'm saving money to start again in March. + +What should I do? I like him and I love him but I don't even have the energy to answer his messages, let alone dates and be a proper partner who listens to him, helps him, spends time with him, etc. I have told him all of this and he still wants to be with me, but I feel the relationship would end up being one-sided and I don't want that for him. + +I'm deeply ashamed of myself. Since day 1 I've cried every day and night because of that and because of the ridiculous amounts of energy I need to do anything, especially things that have to do with the relationship. I've tried to change and get better, I've spent so much money on therapy and meds with no results, I've read dozens of self-help and psychology books and hundreds of papers, I've tried to change my habits (diet, sleep more, etc), but I just dont know how to get better. + +(Sorry for any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language)",Personality disorder +51105,"good or bad person does anyone else struggle with figuring out whether theyre a good or bad person? im not sure if others have that moral at the top of their list but thats how ive been since i was a kid. the most important thing to me was being good. ive strived to be a good person for most of my life and i know that humans will be humans and its not all black or white, you can be a good person and still do bad things but i just cant help but feel like no matter how hard i try to be a good person im still treated like im a bad person so that is what i must be. if i am a good person then why am i treated like im not and why are the bad people treated like theyre good? why are the people who turned me into this miserable soul living a happy life while ive been in hell reliving the torment every year since i was a child? i dont believe in religion but i was raised catholic so part of me still thinks that life should be that way, good people are happy (and go to heaven) and bad people are miserable (and go to hell). i know theres no hell and yet i still fear there is. i think i might be living it...",Personality disorder +51106,why me? what did i do to deserve to be treated this way? why is everything wrong with me? why am i treated like an evil alien everywhere i go? how is it that everyone immediately determines that they dont like me and treat me badly? even when im nice to people im still hated. why me? ive been asking this since i was 12. i just don't understand. the pain is so deep it feels like i could die. i want to know what i did that is so wrong? its because i exist. thats why.,Personality disorder +51107,,Personality disorder +51108,"Imagine having avpd in like 1960 There’s not much to be thankful for regarding avpd, but if I’m going to have avpd I’m at least glad I have it in the modern day. Imagine how hard it would’ve been in the past, nobody would understand, you wouldn’t be able to get a proper diagnosis or explanation for your mental health issues, and you’d be totally isolated seeing as there would be no technology and none of the escapism it provides. I’d be bored as fuck if I didn’t have video games and drugs I ordered online to cope with this shit. You probably would’ve been ostracised from your community and branded a freak, maybe even lobotomised or some shit if ur really unlucky. I’m so thankful I have tech and modern day understanding, i would be so fucked without it",Personality disorder +51109,"I'm grieving a three day long situationship worse than people leaving a three year long relationship I have BPD, and two and a half years ago, I met a guy on a trip. We only hung out fro three days, but our conversations were so interesting. We spoke about politics, education, etc. He told people he liked me. I was so excited that he liked me. Usually I don't take big leaps like this, but since we live in different countries, I went up and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and he cut off all contact with me. They broke up two months later, and I'm 75% sure he's been stalking my social media since then, but he hasn't reached out to me. + +I know it's been a long time, but I miss him so much. I miss him. And I cry about him everyday. I need him. I just feel like I'm stuck in this pit of despair. And I've tried to change. I've dated other guys. There's another guy that I like way more, and I know he likes me too. But there's still a part of me that misses the vacation guy. I don't know why I feel so stuck.",Personality disorder +51110,"snippets about me that maybe y'all can relate to This is an incomplete list of course, but I've taken ages to build up the motivation to post SOMETHING here, this is what I got for now. I'm hoping anyone reading this would please add to the conversation their own similar experiences or attributes, or would please ask me to expand on any point I have listed. +-------------------- + + 1. I need to consume multiple forms of media on multiple devices in order to be content. I divide my attention towards trivial topics. + + 2. I have detailed dialogue in my head that I desperately wish I could record, but whenever I try it's not detailed, I get tired of it, and it ends up unfinished. I have countless unfinished drafts and scattered files that I take endless time to organize, only to still not post what I initially wanted to. + + 3. I take hours to get myself ready to go out (typically to my local dive bar). I know I'll enjoy myself when I get there and I know a lot of familiar friends and faces there. But once it's time to leave I psych myself out over going; my primary concern is that I don't look as nice as I usually do, or I'll get a detached, disassociated feeling once I get there. Many nights I end up going to bed with my outfit and makeup freshly done and still on, never have left my place. + + 4. The red notification circle showing me the amount of unread text and unanswered calls I have is so large that it breaks me out to open the damn thing at all. I end up ghosting relationships that I didn't want to abandon. The guilt of how long it's been when they last sent a message to present day keeps me from responding. If I have to make plans with someone, I have to actively not look at the other unread messages below it or else I'll have an internal panic. + + 5. I'm self-isolated and alone and lonely more than I ever have to be and I fucking know this. I highly value people and relationships, despite how my avoiding nature implies otherwise. + + 6. My childhood consists of consistent moving for rarely to none disclosed reasons. My mom is an aggressive woman who's genuinely diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it's difficult to communicate with her. Growing up, I never lived in a location even close to 2 years. I think this has fucked me up in many ways. + + 7. I am a very vivid and active dreamer. I speak frequently in my sleep- sometimes I wake myself up for my own talking. 4 years I had chronic nightmares and was a bedwetter; the nightmares and accidents were most frequent after every move. This subsided by age 24, when I was done with University and moving as frequently. + + 8. I've used meth for nearly 8 years; via smoking and snorting, never injections. It's never made me feel horny like it does most people. I compare the sensation to taking 'dirty Adderall'; meaning I have a zombified, obsessive focus on whatever task. I'm either indulging in rabbit holes or addictively playing chess on my phone. More broad and accurate to say is that I productively procrastinate; my place will get so clean or I fulfill minuscule to-do task, but I continue to avoid my most pressing and urgent needs.  + + 9. Actual Adderall feels like medicine to me. Like the focus increase isn't jarring, but natural. There's no crash and no tweaked out feeling. I feel like what I believe I'm supposed to feel like, as a content and motivated individual. ",Personality disorder +51111,"Male to female ratio in avpd I feel like I’m one of the very few women in this world suffering from avpd. Curious to see how many people on this sub are women vs men. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11c09nm)",Personality disorder +51112,"Overthinking and feeling powerless in social situations Social situations are nerve wracking because they are unpredictable and I have to come up with responses on the spot. There is also the pressure of the other party potentially manipulating you such as in business situations, or when someone is trying to sell something to you. + +So before these situations I often try to play out all the different paths that the interaction could take place and try to prepare everything for it. This makes each social interaction extremely high effort for little reward in comparison. + +There are also worst possible outcomes in which there is no way to prepare for and where there is nothing you can do about it. For example, suppose I was buying something from a shop, I hand over my money, and then the shop keeper just ignores me, what can I actually do in that situation? Call the cops? Get a lawyer? What proof do I have that the money was mine and I handed it over? What obliges the shop keeper to give me the item I wanted? + +Normal people never question these dynamics and just put trust in the systems set in place, they've never been burned by it so it just works for them. But here I am worrying over every little thing that I'd rather hide away from it all if possible.",Personality disorder +51113,"Part of having AvPD is masking everywhere you go. Including at home + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11bylrc)",Personality disorder +51114,"I should be the one dead instead +Life is truly a joke 27 M meet here my life ended 4 years ago after i graduated , i turned to a neet and became a burden for my parents and Family .all i want is to DIIIIE . An old friend i knew before had his life together, went abroad abroad after graduatiion, studied and got a high paying job, after that an accident and boom he is dead. I feel i should be in his place , i am sure his family won't mind that.",Personality disorder +51115,"what even is the point I've been considering just killing myself already. My life is empty anyway. I dont have anything, i dont have anyone. I never did. At this point it feels like im just procrastinating my death.",Personality disorder +51116,"Addictions Hi there! Was wondering how many avoidants have additions that help them to cope, thanks + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11bo266)",Personality disorder +51117,"Society has already collapsed and I don't want to be a part of it. I've isolated myself for a long time. I never fit in anyway, I couldn't make connections last. I always messed up. But I tried. + +I now realise that it's too late. I grew in such an abusive family that I never learned how to love and relate. And then I fell ill. Since then I became disabled. + +Sometimes my arms hurt so bad, that I can't type. I've been trying to survive a gruesome situation for months now. I can only communicate in short bursts. All the rest that I need is gone. + +And I put myself out there. Ashamed and small. Guess what? No one cares. I'm at fault too. But it's not only me. I hope it will be over soon. But I rather struggle alone. I hope that I can get some of my hobbies back, take up space. + +I can't chat anymore, it makes me want to barf. I can't really go outside and to be honest, I am scared. I found out how easy it is to abuse me. It's not like I can run, just hide. + +There's nothing much to say. I truly am alone. I am different, but I just want to be in peace with myself, with the chronic pain, with the fact that people and I don't work together. I'm not charming or young. I'm just venting into the nothingness. + +I isolated more and more when I got negative feedback. It's too late now. Everybody struggles, I don't understand basic things. I just want the current crisis to be over. Don't want to improve myself. Or to function. + +I want to breathe and sleep without fear until shit really hits the fan and we'll all break together and apart. Sometimes it feels like too much to ask. I want to believe that I matter, not because of someone else. It's not going to happen.",Personality disorder +51118,"DAE overreact when they make little mistakes? TLDR: I tell myself to KMS after making insubstantial mistakes. + +I could really use some reassurance :/ I made a tik tok post about a band I like and I mixed up the names of the members, misspelled the renowned venue they played at, and accidentally said one of the members passed away. + +Two ppl in the comments pointed it out and now I feel like ripping my skin off. Instantly I started saying to myself, “you should honestly just kill your self, what’s wrong with you, that’s so embarrassing, kill your self…” over and over. Sometimes I picture myself being impaled or shooting my self in the head. + +This happens all the time and it’s one of the most debilitating parts of this disorder (though I’m not diagnosed). + +Any time I remember something slightly embarrassing I did even 5 years ago I have a totally disproportionate reaction to the embarrassing thing. Does this happen to anyone else? + +I feel like I’m doing much better than I was a couple months ago but this persists. I hope this isn’t too upsetting to share for anyone.",Personality disorder +51119,"Where did my AvPD come from? So I am officially diagnosed with it but most people on the internet and also my therapist say that it is likely because of a childhood of abusive/narcissistic or in any other way bad parents that resulted in this condition. But I don’t think that it comes from that. I couldn’t have had better parents or family; they supported me, respected my opinion and so on. I have the feeling that I always was like that even in kindergarten back then. The only thing odd about my parents was that they divorced as I was 6 years old (but I guess that’s not the most uncommon thing) and that my father is also very socially avoidant. Could it also be the latter (like in a „learned“ behavior?) or do you think it is more likely that it was something in the past that I just forgot and don’t remember / don’t think is significant enough? +Often I (ironically) feel a bit isolated when I see comments on YouTube or Reddit talking about the reason for the AvPD because I can’t relate at all to their stories (thankfully tho, but you know what I mean)",Personality disorder +51120,"I should not go, I swear to god this is going to end up wrong EDIT: I DIDNT GO + +EDIT2: I SENT THEM A MESSAGE TO PRETEND I WAS GOING BUT THEY LET ME ON SEEN. EVIDENTLY IT WAS A PITY INVITE AND IM GLAD NOT TO HAVE GONE + +Why even write this? by the time I get any replies it will be too late anyways. The appointment is three hours from now. + +If I get another job I'm going to need references, a network of aqcuantainces, this time I can't rely on my family posing as acquaintances. I didn't build a network, I never do, now I want to run out of there. + +I didn't make any friends, I don't want friends anymore, I haven't had friends since elementary. Not only do they not respect me, they also pity me. + +I was invited out of pity, I know because they are surprised I said ""yes"". This is the entire setup for the climax in Notes from Underground, I read it, I know perfectly how it ends up. No one knows my life better than I do and I have been gaslighted too many times into believing it was all in my head. + +If I don't go they also will remember and I have to make a presentation for them a month for now, my performance will be scored by them. + +Just today we found out neighbors began to speak ill of me and my family. + +One day posthumanism will get rid of all of this bullshit, ""they"" taking our jobs will be a cheap price to pay. For now, approach with caution.",Personality disorder +51121,"On a bachelorette trip I’ve had to mentally prepare for this trip for weeks. I’ve been so anxious about going and being around a bunch of girls I don’t know well. Although I was nervous the trip has been going well. Until last night. + +I was in the bathroom with a couple girls at this bar, talking to a girl and just making conversation. At one point she just told me to go away. I repeated what I said because I thought I had misheard her. Then she told me to go away again. Me being dpd/avpd I don’t handle confrontation well. So I just walked away. + +I told another girl there who I trusted and she helped me feel better. But these situations are why I struggle with going out/meeting new people. At any moment they can just say one thing that completely ruins my whole night. And the next day. And the next few days after that. + +I know she’s probably just insecure and projecting that on to me. But sometimes I feel like a magnet for those things. I’m the one who ends up getting picked on and I don’t stand up for myself so it keeps on happening.",Personality disorder +51122,"would you rather + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11bq237)",Personality disorder +51123,"Does anyone else ever ""live vicariously"" through other people's social media? Sometimes I find myself going through people's Facebook profiles - usually it starts with someone I'm ""friends"" with, then one of their friends, then someone tagged in one of their photos and before you know it I'm looking at this totally random person's life. And I'm seeing all the good times they've had, the relationships, the weddings, the vacations. + +And it makes me wonder if I could have been their friend, or if I could have been doing those things with them. Sometimes I'll think back to what I was doing at the time the post was made or the photo was taken and find myself comparing my empty life to theirs. + +It makes me feel like shit and yet I can't stop doing it. + +Does anyone else do this? + +I don't think it's really the traditional ""FOMO"" that people often feel when engaging in social media posts because I'm not sad about other people doing something without me *right now* so much as a broader envy of their life in general. It's not envy of someone posting pics of their nice car or fancy hotel room on Instagram; it's not the heavily curated, photoshopped influencer stuff. It's envy of people who went backpacking with friends one summer in college. It's envy of people watching the Super Bowl together. It's envy of people falling asleep on the couch with their partner while their kids are going wild playing with their new toys on Christmas morning. Things money can't buy. Things I never had, things I don't have, things I never will have.",Personality disorder +51124,"AVPD and Youtube I feel like many of us that have AVPD don't post, speak up, or video ourselves. This is why we don't typically find much information regarding this. I have found more on Reddit than on youtube. It doesn't mean its not there but there too few and far in between.",Personality disorder +51125,,Personality disorder +51126,"Loose yourself,give up your struggle. Recognize that there is no battle to fight except of your own making. So I've been reading this book recently, haven't finished it yet. kind of enlighten me about my situation in some way. Would recommend some of you guys to check them out, who knows... might help some of you guys even if it leaves a little impact it's still worth it to learn. :) do give it a chance + + +""Self-Help for Your Nerves: Learn to relax and enjoy life again by overcoming stress and fear"" + +https://www.scribd.com/book/362365020",Personality disorder +51127,"Ever been so down you feel like happy music is mocking you personally? My dad used to play the song: December, 1963 (Oh What a Night!) in the car all the time and we’d sing along to it. It’s very peppy and old-timey, about this guy having a wonderful night on his date with a woman. + +I remember even as a small child I’d have thoughts like: “Oh, what a night! That I’ll never get to have,” because I considered myself a freak of nature even then.",Personality disorder +51128,"Any good resources for self directed CBT? I'm interested in CBT, but am too broke/anxious to see an actual therapist.",Personality disorder +51129,"i found that I'm incredibly negative an judgy I'm not sure if this is exactly a surprise when having AvPD but I found that I often judge people in my mind about the smallest things and those are all the things. I'm hyperaware of and don't let me express freely as a person. +Not only people, but also places, scenarios, comments. My mind is stopping me of being able to enjoy simple things in life and I don't want it anymore. +College is starting soon and I'm more mature and I want to fit in. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy any potential friendships I can make if I don't change how I think",Personality disorder +51130,"Failing out of college + abusive family I’ve been in my apartment now for two months, only leaving for food. I know this isn’t ‘long’ but I’m the unicorn extrovert with avpd among us. I’m supposed to be graduating this semester, yet I’ve gone to none of my classes or done any of the work. I have no motivation, and I feel that I legitimately don’t deserve my degree. I’m withering away and don’t know where to start fixing this mess. + +It bothers me that I’m failing out, but not *nearly* as much as the fear of how my abusive family will react to having to bail me out of trouble *again*. Never mind how it feels to still be so controlled as an adult. I’ve already had to withdraw one semester for mental health purposes, and I cannot bear having to admit that I’m in an impossible situation once again. And they don’t even believe I’m mentally ill. I don’t need their approval, I just need to not be verbally ripped apart. + +It would take too long to describe how cruel my family can be, but it is enough that I am living in a full breakdown trying to keep this lie holding together. My dad once called me a 23 year old loser and I keep proving them right. + +And yet, I’d willingly take abuse over the solitary confinement I live in now. I cannot do this any longer or I’m going to snap in half under the weight.",Personality disorder +51131,"I’m a success story :) hey all. + +I have been going through a lot these past few years (like everyone else). I realized I have high functioning autism. I mended my fractured family. I found family at work. I found god. + +I found peace within myself. maybe I never had avpd, but I still identify with it. I do so strongly that I feel it necessary to post here, because I relate to every one of your guys’ posts. + +and I came up with a 5 year plan to achieve my dream of r/vandwellers. + +I have a lot of stuff I want to say. I have big, big things in the works for my life. my goals are endless. + +you can find me on instagram @nowatlast if you want to know about me. my entire life is there. I hope that’s okay to add. I’ll delete this part if not. + +anyway, I just want to spend my life spreading joy and love and light. hippies had the right idea. the only reason we’re here is to be kind to each other. there is no other reason. + +everyone have a great night or day :) it’s a hard life out here",Personality disorder +51132,"has avpd destroyed my ""personality""? Of course personality has its meaning in avpd but when I said personality the second time I mean a person as in the things they like to do or what they talk about + +I've always been avoidant and I think it's rooted in multiple harsh rejections between age 5 and 12. I've come out with 0 interests to talk about besides drawing, and 0 drawings to show because I don't want to show anyone. I don't show anyone anything and I don't tell them anything unless that conversation territory was already stepped into. Have any others experienced that where they're uncomfortable telling people about their interests that they end up with none at all? Or secret interests? For me I have a secret interest but I still can't get myself to talk about it with other people interested in it. It's like we start talking and I have no idea what to tell them. My brain is so messed up that it just blocks out every subject that is slightly attached to my inner self, leaving stuff like weather, other people, whatever they already said :( ofc those conversations degrade quickly...I end up having no further input fast.",Personality disorder +51133,"Being avoidant and the pandemic I don’t know what it was about the pandemic that hit me but it hit me hard, and I still find myself stuck in so many ways. I was never so scared in my life. + +I became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave my house. I became obsessed with the news and the statistics. For someone who has been suicidal practically my whole life I was truly afraid of dying. + +Did anyone else find yourself getting worse through this and what did you do to get past it? + +When I go to doctors appts they still make us wear masks and that scares me a bit still. Like what do they know that we don’t? + +I’m sure I’m overthinking things like I do with everything else. My daughter is anti vaxx and it worries me too, I’ve had them all as a precaution since my health isn’t the best now. + +I was working in retail at the time and watched the panic from everyone in the stores…and now I’m on disability because I’ve gotten so bad about it. It’s crazy.",Personality disorder +51134,"Do you think that Dr richards audio series work for AvPD? I went to a lot of therapists and didn't feel any better. Do you think that Dr richards audio series work for AvPD? +Therapists told me that medications are not useful in treating avoidant personality disorder, is that true?",Personality disorder +51135,,Personality disorder +51136,"I'm thinking of my cat :( She's stuck with me, not of her own will. It's true, she has a strong bond with me but what if all of that is just forced? She loves meeting other humans, cats, dogs and even rabbits. I can't help her with any of that. + +I sometimes feel bad for my kitty. Like she deserves someone less avoidant. On the other hand, I spend 100% of my social energy on her so she's never starved for attention. And she has her ""own time"" staring out the window, which I resent but understand that she needs. I never impose on her when she's doing her cat things.",Personality disorder +51137,does anyone write stories? Does anyone here write stories with characters? Is it tough? In my experience I feel like I don't know enough about people to write characters who aren't just like me. How is it for anyone else who writes or tries to?,Personality disorder +51138,"the guilt of existing simply being around people makes me feel so guilty like i am inconveniencing them with my presence and i constantly feel like i need to leave to relieve them of the burden of having to interact with me. after an interaction with anyone i feel a deep sense of shame and can't stop repeating ""sorry, sorry, sorry"" in my head. i think this one of the things i hate most about this disorder.",Personality disorder +51139,"I went to the gym for the first time after 7 years and I'm a bit frustrated of feeling like an alien. I'm making progress, but all of this seems like a job in which I have to try to fit in. I don't know, it's like I'm not human and I have to mimic others. Too much isolation bring to this I guess...",Personality disorder +51140,"Constant media consumption I spent a long period unemployed and was able to occupy my brain with tik tok and youtube videos. They are good in small doses or when practicing moderation to any degree, but I literally feel like I have to have a video playing in my ear at all times! I listen to podcasts to go to sleep, and listen to youtube videos CONSTANTLY, I feel the need to have a video going even walking from my room to the bathroom. Just completely incapable of allowing myself to think at all. This is impacting my ability to work now that I do have a job. Anybody else experience this? Have you been able to combat this behavior? Genuinely so desperate. Any advice is appreciated!",Personality disorder +51141,I'm not sure lol Everything kinda just hurts and am sad for some reason??😭😭😭😂 But I'm literally not sure or why but literally no one cares😭😭😭 but not really sad,Personality disorder +51142,"gender rules & being in a relationship as avoidant guy I don't mean to offend anyone beliefs, just a thought came to my mind and i want to discuss it with you. + +recently , i redownloaded dating apps and started chatting, seeking friends and relationships.I was chatting with this girl, and we talked about many things. One of them was relationships, she told me that she prefers to be in a relationship with traditional gender rules.this made me think and realized that a relationship with traditional gender rules isn't for me, and i think this mainly has something to do with being avoidant. + + these are my reasons + +I don't initiate or take actions. Usually, i respond to actions, even sometimes i don't respond to actions that other people would respond to, i rarely take actions or be proactive. + +I lack assertiveness + +I also have problem with decision making. + +that is what comes to my mind when i think about it. + +Guys with avoidant, do you think that you can be in a relationship with traditional gender rules? also, do you have any other reasons beside the ones i listed if why not?",Personality disorder +51143,"Asked ChatGPT to write a poem as someone with avpd &#x200B; + +[I know it's AI but it made me feel seen and I think a lot of us can relate](https://preview.redd.it/wfzirpeb9wja1.png?width=657&format=png&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=b8de8eb269589c65e39c2032a6320d7f5b988c09)",Personality disorder +51144,"Social anxiety-geared remedies and treatments have made things worse **Trigger warning for suicidal ideation mention. +Also, long post alert. This is something that’s been brewing for a while that I hadn’t been able to articulate until now. + +I’m 24 years old. I’ve been actively trying to combat social anxiety since I was 17. And after reflecting on these past years, I truly feel like all of the things I did to try to improve have only made my feelings worse and solidified my fears. + +For example, public speaking: I was told throughout school and therapy that practicing public speaking would make it easier over time. I was also told I would need to do a lot of it to have a successful career. + +So, I did the following: joined the media club in high school, where I made intercom announcements and once made a TV announcement. Taught Spanish to children as an assignment. Took opportunities to read aloud in class and chose speaking assignments when given the choice. In college: I had several mandatory presentations. I joined clubs, and did almost weekly public speaking for various purposes for them. I called numbers for a bingo game for over 100 people and also proctored a club election. I then became a resident advisor which involved pretty regular public speaking. + +Let me tell you, it did NOT get easier y’all lmao. I swear to god, I kept telling myself it would get better and waiting for it to get easier and it only got harder emotionally. I definitely improved my skills, but every public speaking incident wreaked absolute havoc on my psyche. Like throwing up beforehand, staying up and ruminating after, shaking, emotional anguish, insomnia, the works. Like I’d argue it got even worse as time went on. No amount of praise was ever able to shake it, and i’ve received some pretty consistent positive feedback. I have this thought of like, probability. Like I WILL fuck up and embarrass myself during an event. And every time a speech goes well, I feel like my odds of failure increase. Plus I’m not sure how much I trust the positive feedback I’ve gotten. I can accept that I’m an effective speaker, but anything more than that feels fake like people are lying to make me feel better. + +So, public speaking hasnt gotten easier. I’m out of options. And it’s frustrating that no one around me understands this because, to them, I’m a sufficient speaker. But the idea of speaking to a group of people makes me want to fucking kill myself. Like every time. And now… I have a ton of lovely memories that play in my head when I think of speaking. Like my brain has the motherload of material to make me feel deep levels of shame, embarrassment, regret, anxiety, etc. + +I wish i’d never started doing this stuff because now people actually expect it of me and I am haunted by awful memories that make me feel worse than I did before. I mean for fuck’s sake, I’ll get in a panic because I remembered speaking to KIDS. Six year olds. Who the fuck is embarrassed to speak to six year olds? Remembering things like this can straight-up ruin an otherwise perfect day and completely sour my mood. + +It’s not just public speaking. Its making friends, joining clubs, volunteering, working, the works. I faced my fears and they fought back viciously. And after covid isolation, I find it literally impossible to force myself to try these things again, even though I know I’m capable of them. I just don’t want to contribute to the material my brain uses against me. I feel full, like I’m out of storage space. I’m just sick of the regret and embarrassment and guilt over existing the way I did. + +I feel like I’m destined to spend my future disappointing people and failing. I’ll never be like I once was, and even if I do then it will just be exhausting and miserable. Right before covid I was reaching a breaking point anyway—like I was about to quit my job (or get fired) and possibly school because I couldn’t handle the hole I’d dug myself into. I feel spent and directionless. I dont know what my goals are anymore. I don’t even know who I am because I spent so long trying to be someone I’m not.",Personality disorder +51145,What do people even talk about Like when they hang out... go to a bar or a cafe or just hang out at home or something.. just such a foreign concept to me lol,Personality disorder +51146,"A quote from another sub... >My therapist taught me how to talk to people and also told me what other people usually thought compared to what I believed they were thinking. I viewed people just as evil as my inner self hate talk and they aren’t that judgmental. They care more about how they come off than how you are. +> +>We just created this super judgmental mindset and we think everyone is just as judgmental as we are to ourselves. +> +>You have to also train your brain to be nicer to yourself and not blame yourself when you feel down about something.",Personality disorder +51147,"So, I just started taking medicine. Like I said, I'm just now getting medicine for this. I don't think I really needed medicine, but my therapist has been trying to get me on medication since last year. I finally agreed to it, and I took the first dose yesterday morning, and the second does this morning. + +I have noticed no changes yet, but he told me that it could take a while before anything really changes. All I've noticed is how paranoid I've been that they are giving me a placebo. I want to get the pills they gave me and open up the capsule just to see if there's anything in there, but if there is then is it medicine or sugar? Maybe it's just some sort of powder that doesn't actually do anything. + +What if they are giving me fake medicine? Are they trying to see if I can change just by believing some miracle pill will do something? It feels like they're trying to disprove my Avpd even though they were the ones to diagnose me. + +It didn't help that my therapist told me that he was excited to see what I look like when I'm medicated. What is that supposed to mean? I can't tell if he would just be excited to see me improve or if he is trying to test me somehow. + +I don't know. I think I'm thinking about this too much. Anyone have some advice? Kind words maybe? I'm going to keep taking the medication unless something bad happens, so don't worry about that part.",Personality disorder +51148,"Follow up to - Therapy Success…. Hi - I have received great response to my recent thread question about successful therapy-types to deal with my AvPD. I’m a bit confused about the different therapy paths. + +The different responses have lead me to this follow up topic/question. + +If you have AvPD - and experienced success in therapy - please answer the following (Please don’t respond if you’re a Therapist). + +Before therapy I _______. And now after therapy I can ______. + +Thx again.",Personality disorder +51149,"AVPD - and RHONJ I feel dumb about this + +I enjoy watching some of the Bravo “Real Housewives…” shows with my wife. However - I find watching the RHONJ makes me anxious. + +Most of the RH shows are based on confrontation. But RHONJ is the most confrontational. + +As a man with AvPD - when I see the husbands on that show just about fistfight in confrontation - I feel anxious and “less-than”. + +I know mist of it is staged - but it always leaves me questioning my own manhood. I’ve always been conflict avoidant in fight situation. + +Yet - I’m drawn to viewing RH with the hope maybe the guys reactions in that show will help validate my own feelings. + +I know it’s weird and silly - and this is probably the only place in the world where I can vent this. + +Tx.",Personality disorder +51150,"Afraid to talk or use your voice? It is difficult in real life, but I play a lot of video games and it is difficult there too. I don't know why I'm so nervous around people I will never know. + +Relatable? + +Also if you are interested, VR Chat can be a good place to practice socializing relatively safely. - lots of internet jerks there fair warning",Personality disorder +51151,"Does anyone else feel like they’ve wasted their life so far and that death is probably inevitable in the near future? I’m in my early 20s and struggle to see things getting better even though I probably have the power somewhere in me to change for the better. I guess I’m just getting impatient and frustrated with myself because of the way I am. + +I’ve been feeling low again lately and the biggest reason is probably loneliness. I wish simply talking to others wasn’t a struggle and I wish I didn’t view my appearance as objectively terrible & repulsive. I wish I had things to talk about and I wish I was someone people looked forward to seeing. And I wish I knew what people thought about me, even if very few people have interacted with me. I wish I could make a positive impact on someone’s life. + +The thing is, as much as I’d like to make a friend, would the friendship even last considering I’m over halfway into my university degree? People will move away and move on and it’ll be back to how things were before. + +It’s probably so dumb that I sometimes feel like death is the best outcome for me as I wouldn’t have to live a life of wishful thinking. Sorry for this cringy post.",Personality disorder +51152,"Getting out my comfort zone I’m a 24 year old female and I’ve had a lot of mental health issues. One of them is AvPD. I struggle to maintain friendships because I always push them away out of fear they will see the real me and I think I’m an empty person with no personality. I never developed my own personality. I always mirrored people to fit in. + +I have an intake tomorrow for a rehab clinic. I’m addicted to Xanax. I think the addiction is just a result of my mental problems that are really complicated and go far back into the past. After the rehab I will go to Portugal for an intense treatment for 2 months all by my own. No phones allowed. I think it’ll do me really good and I’m glad I have this opportunity. I know they aren’t going to fix my problems and I need to do it myself but it is a big step for me to travel alone. To really work on myself. It’s a step forward. I have had really bad weeks but this is a little bit of hope for me. Sorry I just needed to vent and I hope you all are doing okay💜 even if you take baby steps be proud of yourself!",Personality disorder +51153,,Personality disorder +51154,"Two days ago I tried to kill myself Has anyone here attempted suicide or seriously harmed themselves. Two days ago I lacerated my wrist with a knife and had to go to the ER and get stitches. I nearly severed an artery, luckily I will make a full recovery but I feel a deep sense of regret and shame that I did this. I don't want to get into too much detail but it happened in front of my family. I also tried to to choke myself with a piece of clothing and physically assaulted my family as they were trying to stop me from hurting myself. I feel most guilty over this as I am normally a very passive person, but I let my own emotions take over and didn't stop to think of their wellbeing. I do not come from an abusive family at all, they love me which is the reason why im not on the streets right now. I have been in a really bad mindstate for years now due to isolating myself but this was all my fault and obviously i need to take responsibility for my own actions. I have a deep sense of rage underneath myself which i try my best to mask. Most people who post here seem like good people, but i feel like i'm not. I'm terrified I might be a covert narcissist.",Personality disorder +51155,"How to deal with parent yelling Ok, I'm a 27f who suffers from a variety of mh stuff so I'm living with my dad and he has a temper but today I was microwaving something and it exploded with glass and a mess right away I started cleaning it up bc it's my fault and he comes yelling that I messed up his microwave and how old I was and a bunch of swears and says he's not dealing with it and as always I internalize it and after I was done cleaning I start crying and thinking about all the ways that I can avoid everything tomorrow. If I didn't have my esa with me I would be worse. But I don't understand what I should have done as accidents happen and I cleaned it all up and I'm going to replace the dish that broke. I don't understand why he has to treat me horribly. I'm lucky not staying too long bc I'll be moving back with my mom in a few months but has anyone else had/has a parent that treats them this way",Personality disorder +51156,"this disorder is repulsive to me The idea that I feel I need validation from others, unconsciously, and am so sensitive to other people's perceptions is disgusting. The repulsion comes from the fact that I know I resonate with it deeply, but hate that I do.",Personality disorder +51157,,Personality disorder +51158,"I’m too scared for therapy. I have social anxiety and avoidant personality. So how the fuck am I supposed to tell a stranger that I’m suicidally depressed because I have no friends and the loneliness makes life unworthy of itself? + +That’s a very embarrassing thing to tell someone face to face. + +So yeah I really want therapy at this point because I just want to do everything I can to try get better but there’s no fucking way I’m going to a therapist and telling them I’m a sad loser with no friends. I can’t ever ask a waiter for the bill. + +What a pickle :/",Personality disorder +51159,"AvPD and lack of sense of self/identity I hope it’s okay that I’m making a post here without being diagnosed yet. I’m fairly sure I have this disorder because I’ve looked into it a lot and I resonate so much with what I read online about it. + +I’m just wondering what people mean when they say this disorder causes a lack of sense of self? I 100% have this issue but I’m not really sure why? I’m usually thinking of it in a social context because it feels like I’m not “enough of a person” to make connections but I don’t know if it’s for the same reason you guys might feel that way. +Is it from social inhibition and repressing ourselves so much or something else? This is something about myself I’ve been trying to figure out for awhile",Personality disorder +51160,"can someone encourage me? at this rate i'll just rot in my bed until i eventually die of dehydration. i can't get myself to do anything other than scroll on social media and avoid any sort of social interaction whatsoever. i'm scared of people, i'm scared of rejection, it's hard. it's kinda shitty too because ngl i was on a roll for like a week but for some reason i just had a sudden episode and now i can't do anything. + +this might be kind of embarrassing, but can someone just encourage me? i feel like i need some sort of encouragement to function at all. thank you in advance!",Personality disorder +51161,"You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have. I sometimes wonder, how different my life would have been, if I was a little bit luckier? It feels like, if you want to beat this thing, in some sense you need to be ""twice as good as them to get half of what they have"". Life feels like a video game. Most of us play it on a hard difficulty, and we are wondering why are we so far behind other people. Most people are the way they are because they are that way, not because they chose and worked hard to be that way. Do you think, outgoing, social type of person chose to be that way? Maybe in some cases. But more likely than not it wasn't his choice what made him that type of person. But rather circumstances outside of his control (things like parenting, lack of trauma, genetics). + +I don't know if I ever going to beat it. And if I don't beat it, maybe I shouldn't blame myself.",Personality disorder +51162,Maybe its not AvPD but Schizotypal disorder? The symptoms are almost exactly alike.,Personality disorder +51163,,Personality disorder +51164,"Were you also diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder or do you exhibit symptoms? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/1192nkr)",Personality disorder +51165,Iv'e been avoiding financial aid appeal I really don't want to talk about my past. Ive canceled five times now and I really need to get my financial aid soon. Any tips?,Personality disorder +51166,"is there a way to tell if you have AVPD? I (20 m) found out about this disorder recently and relate to it so much. I resonate way more with AVPD than I ever had with autism (diagnosed at 13) I'm not saying that I'm not autistic, but I think I could have this too?",Personality disorder +51167,Dealing with rude people I started a new job recently and everyone there is pretty close with each other since they’ve worked together for a while and most of them are friendly and helpful. All except for this one girl who is helpful to me when i need help but occasionally if she gets stressed out (and for her that’s pretty often) she can be real catty and take it out on others. I don’t really know how to deal with situations like this when it comes up because 1. I’m in this subreddit lol 2. I understand she’s stressed 3. I don’t want to look pathetic in front of others and I want to put up boundaries. 4. I don’t want to be rude back to her because I really don’t want to be that kind of person but i really don’t want this to continue. I don’t know what to do I want to be mature but I don’t know if a person like her would be very receptive to that. Please help if you can.,Personality disorder +51168,"Natural brain dampener I have recently been experimenting with some substances and after three or more days of taking ashwagandha most of my AVPD chatter ceases, it also dampens my need socialize or seek validation Not that I had much of that but at least now I don't care when I run out of things to say during a conversation, before I was made uncomfortable by the thought seeming boring or long silence in conversation but with this I don't care at all. + +Its a very subtle effect though, so I like it. I'm not going to pretend to understand how it works, and I definitely don't recommend it because there are several people who have had severe adverse effects with it, but I have found a new unintended use for it and I wanted to share this discovery. + +Sadly as a sad effect I find myself dragging my feet to do anything, I just lose interest in almost everything.",Personality disorder +51169,"suspecting avpd hi. i suspect i may have avpd, or something related to it. i’d like to preface this post by saying that i started reading up on this disorder about an hour ago, so clearly i’m not going to jump to any conclusions here, or at least i’m not trying to. i just think it’s possible. i also have adhd and i’m on a waitlist to be tested for autism. if that helps. + +i’ve struggled with severe anxiety issues for years. almost all of them are related to how people are perceiving me—i have intense anticipatory/perfomance anxiety; i fear that people are either going to think i act strangely, think i’m stupid/incompetent, or both, which will lead to a general dislike. this fear has grown so large i assume most new people i come in contact with dislike me, think i’m odd, and talk behind my back. it got so bad that i dropped out of high school and haven’t been able to hold a job, since i get overwhelmed very easily (a combination of aforementioned fears and sensory overload). i’ve been unemployed for a long while because the idea of even searching for or applying to jobs sounds hopeless, and it’s ruining my life. i always wanted to go to college growing up, but i’m frozen with fear and unable to attempt going. + +i fear that even people very close to me that i’ve been friends with for years are talking behind my back, and they don’t really want me around. i love interacting with people (for example my mutuals on social media sites) but i become fearful when they get closer to me and we interact more often, because i’m afraid that they won’t actually like me if we chat one on one, i won’t fit into their group of friends, they’re just pretending to like me, they’ll think i’m stupid, etc etc. i have such an intense fear of rejection at every turn, oftentimes hitting hard enough to feel physically painful. + +i’m doubtful, because sometimes i can talk to people fine. the fear is in the back of my mind, and sometimes it presents itself far more plainly, but other times i don’t have any issues interacting with people. talking to new people is also way easier, since it’d be far more upsetting if someone i’m already attached to decided they didn’t like me and abandoned me. + +i also identify with borderline symptoms, yet i constantly fear they’re not severe enough; i would fall into the ‘quiet bpd’ subtype. i rarely lash out. i isolate myself and agonize over my interpersonal relationships and the state of my life. + +sorry for the oversharing. i can elaborate or answer any questions. just please let me know what you think. anything is helpful. + +edit: i’d like to add that i’m seeking a psychologist right now. i’m not in the absence of professional help. i just want to know what people who actually have it think.",Personality disorder +51170,"Anyone else move a lot during childhood? In 6th grade I moved to another state for about 6 months then I moved back to where I was up until my first or second year of highschool and then I moved again. I feel like this might be what cemented my social stagnation. I pretty much ghosted everyone I knew and every time I thought I was putting roots down I had to relocate. (although I didn't really have many friends but it still hurt) Because my mother didn't want anyone to know we were moving I just had to vanish. After losing friends, and not having a stable environment I think I pretty much gave up and have been a homebody/shut-in ever since. I wonder if this could contribute to AvPD (I'm not officially diagnosed yet by the way).",Personality disorder +51171,"Married Ex-Coworker Stress So, there's a situation that occurred and it's tearing me apart from the inside. I'm absolutely terrible at showing emotions and ""making a move."" Hence my ""terminal aloneness."" *I wish it was terminal...* + +Last year, during the summer I temporarily got to experience what it was like to be ""wanted."" A coworker and I became friends, and she seemed to express interest in me. Time and time I'd go hang out with her, only to go home banging my head in frustration and wondering wtf was going on. + +Here's my only other post about her, for reference: + +https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/comments/w1us95/situation_involving_married_coworker/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button + +Tldr of old post; she's married, but they are about to separate over issues they've had for years. (For those that think I'm being scummy, maybe. But she's leaving the country for good next month, without him.) Meanwhile, she's seemingly expressed interest in me while at the same time holding me at arms length away. She tells me all of these personal things about herself, including some secrets she says she's never told anyone. However, If she gives me a hug, it's half hearted most of the time. But with other guys, like the one she said weirded her out, she is willing to fully embrace them. + +Here's a worse part, I have a car and she can't drive. So when she needed things she'd pretend to want to hang out and ""go check something out."" Usually then, we'd go back to her place and she'd cook something for me, and I wouldn't feel it was a total loss getting food for the gas spent. But the last two times I went over there she kept going on and on about how tired she was so I left. Basically, having been used as a free Uber. + +**But here's the worst part!** + +The other day, on Valentine's Day, I called her up and she's busy chatting with strangers on Omegle. This one guy is flirting with her and she keeps telling me about how good he looks... and how he wants to do an online video date with her ""clothes optional."" The whole time she's giggling and basically ignoring what I'm saying. So I say I've got something to do and hang up. She has **the fucking nerve** to call me back and want a ride somewhere before she ""goes home to get some rest."" I keep it short and civil (what choice do people like us have?) and basically hang up and go to bed. + +The next day I texted her to ask ""how did your little e-date go?"" She responded ""huh?"" and I haven't talked to or heard from her since. Highly unusual because she *always* calls me several times on my 2 days off. Those days are over and I feel an incredible amount of stress about it.. my heart is going crazy and I feel like I'm waiting to get punished by the principle or something. + +I guess I lost whatever that was.. Life never wastes an opportunity to kick me when I'm down.",Personality disorder +51172,What’s your experience talking to a GP in the uk about AVPD? I’ve always found GPs really unhelpful and clueless when it comes to anything mental health related. I want to talk to a professional and get assessed but I’d have to get referred through a GP and if GPs aren’t even educated in ADHD and anxiety I doubt they’d know anything about AVPD.,Personality disorder +51173,"After living nigh 25 years, I'm now diagnosed Hello all, this is my second post in here now. + +&#x200B; + +I've had my official diagnose; low-functioning AvPD. I don't exactly know how to feel about it, it makes sense - all too much sense. I wonder if I could've turned out better if I had been diagnosed earlier, since I've basically wasted my entire life so far. Only good part was some part of my 0-9'th grade, since it was a private school that had good experience with a bit different kids (not a special-school, but nevertheless a good school for me). + +&#x200B; + +Well, looking forward at least I have this diagnosis now, and I have somewhere to start from. I'll be looking to get my doctor's reference to a psychologist, to hopefully make some progress with all of this. Even though I'm a complete hermit, who is not at all good at getting daily things done, I do have at least a bit of hope of turning some things around - I still have hope that I can make progress for the better. But it's going to be hard. + +&#x200B; + +I wish you all the best as well, from the bottom of my heart.",Personality disorder +51174,Don't want to live like this I'm bullied and treated like I'm subhuman everywhere I go. I don't think it'd be possible for me to improve myself and change how I am. I'm subhuman and that's not going to change anytime soon. I think about suicide everyday and I hate myself beyond measure.,Personality disorder +51175,,Personality disorder +51176,"I don't want to see her either! I lost touch with an acquaintance-. Well, she chose not wanting to see me because she sort of blames her mental health on me, which I did not cause. I literally did nothing to this woman. She was into literature and writing and I encouraged her writing a little and we both knew about each other's anxiety. We didn't talk about our problems though. She shared she had social anxiety. She knew I had generalized anxiety, but that has improved greatly for me now. That was the extend of us knowing about each other's problems. She decided me having anxiety equated to me being a negative person and that is actually not true. She doesn't even know me well enough to determine what kind of person I am so that is part of what upset me. The other part is just the way she went about the situation. I have zero interest in ever reconnecting with her. The trust wouldn't be there and I'd always be fearful of saying something wrong or of being hurt again. See, it shouldn't hurt so much just from a little ol' acquaintance but it did hurt so much. + + When you live so close to each other and end up in the same public spaces at times, it is awkward and somehow, I feel like I am in the wrong for being there when I have every right to be in public spaces.",Personality disorder +51177,"Consultation on the treatment of Avoidant Personality Disorder My childhood assessment showed that I have been suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Selective Mutism. In the last year, my doctor has prescribed anti-anxiety medication such as Buspirone and Pregabalin to help me feel relaxed and hopefully make me more confident to communicate with people outside of my family. + +However, until now, I am still very nervous and terrified of talking to people outside of my family. In this way, apart from making me unable to make friends, I am also too nervous for interviews, making it difficult for me to find a job. Please advise me on how to overcome my symptoms of Avoidant personality disorder, Selective Mutism or Anxiety Disorder so that I can join the workforce.",Personality disorder +51178,"I feel like my mind is going to explode I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending loophole. I don’t know what i am anymore. I think about my personality a lot why am i like this? At times i feel like this strong confident person and at others i feel the complete opposite. I remember i used to feel some type of connection with people, now i don’t anymore no matter how “close” they can be. I’m never fully comfortable, with simplest shit i never give out a true answer, maybe i don’t know the actual answer myself? I’m talking the simplest dumbest situations where I’m asked to express myself about a certain thing. I often deny that i have any problems with my personality and that i am completely fine and this is all a delusion in my head and sometimes i feel like this completely mentally broken person with avpd sa depression did etc! This can happen multiple times a day, it’s exhausting to keep shifting through these completely different mentalities this often. I feel like I’m losing my mind like who the fuck am i anymore???",Personality disorder +51179,"why do I feel like I scare people? So i am currently in college for nursing, I've been practically a hermit of a stay at home mom since 2016. I thought maybe I could get past my anxious feelings of making friends in once I got to school but it's turning into the same thing all over again. I have in person class 2 days a week and I met a girl who was open about her mental health. We clicked and I thought great I can do this I can make a friend. We even exchanged numbers which is HUGE for me. We texted a little but then in class she went from sitting next to me to jokingly saying "" I'd rather be next to (insert classmates name)."" Now I have tried to be chill with this other classmate too. We had a similar dark sense of humor, but then the past two classes I felt like a third wheel. Like the first girl just started to distance and almost mean yet she asks me to study with her and the other. I am.so confused, and also feel like they are pitying me. Like I just wanted to flee the class and sob because i felt like once again people automatically shut me out bc of my quirks. Idk if this is an AVPD thing or an autistic thing. I just feel defeated and alone. I so desperately want a friend.",Personality disorder +51180,"How the hell am I supposed to deal with the ADHD + AvPD combo? I am formally diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder tendencies. My therapist and general practitioner both believe that it's caused by/comorbid with inattentive ADHD, but there is no formal diagnosis for that yet. I am taking adderall 15mg XR for it though, and it is the only thing that has ever helped me. + +How the hell do I deal wit this hellish combination? I've deconstructed and deconstructed, but the only point I can reach is that I understand why and when things are happening, and that they're irrational, but I can't change it. + +I have a handful of fixations/hobbies/potential professions that I jump between, and I never know if I can trust myself to know what I want. I feel like I'm at an urgent crossroads in deciding what to do with my life, and I'm unable to stick to one idea. Is it ADHD distracting me with a new shiny thing? Is it AvPD ghosting my previous interest due to perceived failure/invalidation? Is it both working in tandem? I envy people who can dedicate hours a day to a single thing for upwards of a year. Video game speedrunners come to mind specifically. That's not something I am interested in, but I am beyond jealous of the ability to sit and do one single thing for ludicrous amounts of time, and perfect it. + +Anyone else experience this sick little combo?",Personality disorder +51181,"Is it petty to treat someone the same way they treat you? Recently I noticed I was people pleasing too hard, and decided to try a little less. I was too clingy; was the one to wait after class to go together, was the one to write first, etc. My friend usually doesn't do the same, and as someone with rejection sensitivity, predictably it hurt. +So when I stopped trying so hard, my friend seemed hurt. She said something about me not waiting for her like I usually do. +Admittedly, it felt good to finally let go a little and have some self-respect. But I also feel so bad for being kinda... petty. I don't think she did all this on purpose, because overall she is a really good and caring friend. Maybe I just frustrated her with being too clingy in the past?",Personality disorder +51182,"Getting used to loneliness I feel like before I really longed to be part of the group. I longed to have someone who would choose me over the others. I longed to be someone, just like anyone else. But, somehow nowadays I don't really want that anymore. I'm just so used to being alone in the group, alone at work and anywhere else, that I just prefer to be alone. It feels like a burden to be a part of something. I prefer to do my thing in the group, like at work, but I don't want to get mentally attached to anyone. I don't know if it's a survival mechanism to protect my own mental health or if it's just because I'm tired of trying to belong to somewhere. Maybe I have just accepted who I am and what will never be. + +Does anyone else feel the same? I don't mean this to be a negative post as I don't feel sad about this. I'm just stating how things are and I've somehow made peace with it. Maybe in the future it can make me feel sad, but not atm anyways.",Personality disorder +51183,"I'm just very lost and exhausted, so here's a little about my situation I struggle with extreme avpd, I've been to therapy for 8 years, with many different people. And I just feel like I'm sinking lower and lower as time goes by. It has gone too far and now I'm in a situation where I struggle to even open the front door or open my mouth to speak. I've lost the few friends I had years ago cause of the severe anxiety I felt and the panic attacks I had after meeting them. I live with my dad but I rarely talk to him cause even that is too hard for me. I studder opon my words and feel like I can't even have a regular conversation with my own parents without the severe stress I feel. + +I feel so hopeless and fragile. All I wanna do Is keep caging myself inside my room with my distractions. But I'm also incredibly unbearably lonely and ache for genuine human connection. But I know I'd never be able to have that in the near future, if ever.",Personality disorder +51184,"Does anyone else do insane mental gymnastics to get out of going places? I swear, some of the reasons I've come up with in order to avoid meeting people... it's so crazy, like why can't this creative energy be harnessed anywhere else? + +For example I've literally riden a 30 minute bus to a place, walked right up to the door, then heard the dreadful sound of people inside.. and that's all it took for me to make a 180 and ride that same bus back home. The reason in my head was like ""hmm, they're meeting next week so I can just wait until then, surely I will do it next time :D"" It's just, Ahhhhhhhhh I hate myself man. Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why am I like this + +and the thing is, I really need the socialization too, like I'm so freaking lonely... the instant I arrive back home I'm like ""shit I really should've just gone in, now I have nothing to do again, why did I listen to myself"" and it just makes me even more depressed thinking about how pathetic I am",Personality disorder +51185,"claustrophobia attacks Can anyone relate to this (no advice please)? So I don't live alone, I live a single family member that sometimes has their boyfriend over. I also do work part time in retail which is all I can currently handle. Our schedules usually allow me enough time alone even if I want more of it. Summer is a lot better for me because I can comfortably go outside in spaces where I'll be just as alone so it's extremely rare that I have these attacks during it. To get to the point there are some weeks in Winter that are a perfect storm for AVPD. Our schedules will clash where they'll be home every single moment I am for almost a week on end. For the first 3-4 days I'll get a bit more irritable but handle things + and still do ordinary things that involve other people hearing me like music or watching youtube videos and keep up with people well enough online. Though it starts to snowball on 5 usually. The way it comes on is almost like a physical illness. I suddenly feel extremely on edge in the background, I'll start not listening/watching anything and avoiding doing anything outside my room, hypervigilance shoots through the roof, my mood begins to swing like a pendulum, really snappy, and in general human.exe stops working. I won't even be able to really handle having Discord open. Usually comes with tension aches too in my body here and there. If I even have to go out and get the mail I become a mental train wreck, I won't be able to handle being outside even if no one else is out without being on the edge of a panic attack. just going into a different room becomes an anxiety ridden chore. Going to work as you can imagine as I must force my way through it is an absolute nightmare as you might expect. The anxiety and irritability completely socially cripples me to add to the embarrassment so I go through the usual motions like an NPC to the best of my ability and use that break time very strategically based on how time usually feels there. If I'm lucky I'll loosen up a bit much later at night enough to watch some youtube or enjoy some quieter music. The only way I found to cheat it which costs a little money unfortunately is to order takeout food later (for some reason home cooked food doesn't work? I guess it's because I have to do that here with them around) and have my usual comfort ritual of watching some youtube as I eat hoping someone is streaming something I like. After that I may feel alone enough somehow to enjoy some music and mindlessly fart around on the internet. Since the only factor is that it just involves someone elses comfort food they made for me I have no idea why this works. + +It's impossible for this to go on more than a week cause schedules break it up after a week and give me back that time but it can take me a day on my own completely to recover. I noticed this specific family member being home with me too long is the trigger though I don't know if it's just them or others that can trigger these episodes too. It's as if I become to opposite world nightmare version of myself because normally despite my AVPD and CPTSD I'm much more positive and bubbly in personality. As long as I'm (self) medicated correctly and have just enough space I tend to do ok socially. I feel more like a wounded extrovert than anything since I desire close connections but at the same time I avoid everything that would lead to any being formed because I feel closed in on very quickly. There's a lot of tug of war that goes on with me internally like this.",Personality disorder +51186,"I feel out of place, no matter how much I try I recently signed up for uni, and the first two weeks have been okay, if only I'm only slightly disappointed for not doing more to talk to other people and befriend them. + +I still managed to befriend two or three people. I try my best to talk to them, but even just greeting them makes me feel anxious because what if they didn't want to greet me or they didn't want to talk to me or they're talking with someone else clearly closer to them than me or at least more interesting. So I end up feeling out of place because I can't gather the courage to talk more, while they all befriend each other. + +Despite all of these feelings, I kept pushing through and this last weekend I managed to ask one of my classmates / friends who I considered myself to be the closest to to hang out, and they accepted. It went well, we talked a lot and in the moment it felt like we were having fun. But when I came back home, all of these awful feelings that maybe they were uncomfortable and didn't really want to hang out with me or talk to me and they were just being polite and nice, or maybe they were just trying to see how it would be like to hangout with me, realizing I'm more of a nuisance and a bore than it's worth to keep around started consuming my mind. + +I tried to push these thoughts in the back of my mind as much as I could, but today I already went to class with all of these thoughts filling my mind. I saw my friend (?) enter class, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to them. Not even a single greeting, nothing, and I felt like a piece of shit for not trying more, because surely they thought I was rude for not saying anything. They were talking normally to other people during break time, and I envied all of them. I wish I could talk so easily with other people, befriending them. I wish I wouldn't be scared of saying anything in fears of being ignored. + +So I ended up feeling out of place, again, despite my desires to fit in. + +I thought maybe at least we'd have the chance to talk after class. No. All I could manage to mutter was a half-cut word before they said goodbye, even if smiling, and walked up to someone else to talk to them. My logic says everything is okay and today they were simply on a rush after class, but my AvPD says they absolutely hate me and don't want to do anything with me anymore. + +I feel like I messed up big time and that I lost a potential friend. I feel like I lost all my chances of having friends ever again, even. And I know it's my fault because I should have talked more, but when I talk more I'm scared to scare them all away. I hate how hard it is to simply say 'hello' and ask someone how they're doing. I feel like I'll be seen as a weirdo and ignored, even if the person is a friend. + +So I don't know what to do. + +Sorry for the long rant. Sorry if I used the wrong flair, too, I don't normally post anywhere. I just really needed to vent.",Personality disorder +51187,"Thought I'm getting better I'm single approaching 30s, have a stable job, and stable family. Getting more skilled at my job recently really helped boost my confidence, and I'm used to being a non-voluntary lone ranger. I thought nothing could hurt me anymore. + +Yet today something simple triggered me. Someone I joined the company with got married, yet I was not invited (but few others were). This is not the first time this has happened. I can count on one hand how many times someone invited me and not as a second thought. Also the embarrassment when I only learned someone's wedding is coming when having a random group lunch, and learning I was not invited yet trying to sidestep other's question if I'm coming. I always think they have a separate group chat with majority of them, and always wondering why I'm not included. Maybe I'm too boring and not pretty/fashionable like them. + +I've long come to terms with the fact that people are just not interested in me since I was a teenager. Always not being invited, being left out of information, or plain rejected to my face. I never have a romantic relationship, and no guys ever show interest in me. All the vague 'friends' term I use whenever I talk to my mother to hide the fact that her daughter was all alone ever since she entered university. + +It just hurts so bad and reminds me so much of my teenage years. One day, I wish I'll have a partner who always puts me first in his thoughts. Thanks for reading my rant.",Personality disorder +51188,"Antidepressants To those of you who have tried antidepressants to mitigate this condition, did you find that they were helpful? + +If so, were there any brands in particular that worked well? I know this is highly individualistic but would like to know if certain ones worked better than others. + +It something that I have been putting off for a while now. However, Ive gotten to the point where it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to give them a shot but I never wanted to deal with all the side effects. + +Interested to hear your experience on this.",Personality disorder +51189,"Anyone here feel incapable of love? Never been diagnosed with AvPD as I am too scared of asking my therapist what he thinks since by his writing he doesn't seem to care much about PD labels and I'm too afraid I will look like one of those people who tries to be cute/quirky/unique/special by hunting for diagnoses. But I resonate a lot with the stories and thoughts/feelings I have read from people who have AvPD and a lot of it sounds like things I have said/thought/felt almost word for word. + +I'm curious if anyone here can relate to my childhood or if I'm being over-dramatic. I won't go into it too much because no one cares about my stupid sob story about why I'm a loser, but I basically had a very emotionally dismissive mom (""it's your fault for being upset"") and an explosively angry father (taught me it was NEVER ok to say ""no""). Since both of them worked all day I was pretty much raised by my older (half-)sister who had issues of her own (obviously) and she would constantly bully and belittle me. My (half-)brother essentially ignored me when I was growing up. I was also constantly bullied in elementary/middle school for being weird and shy, and had to see therapists that I didn't want to talk to when I was as young as 6/7 years old. + +I'm 26 years old and have never dated/kissed/had sex with anyone and have never made any attempt to do so. I don't have any friends (except on the internet). I used to think a partner and friends were things I wanted but thinking about it now, I feel like either as a result of my upbringing or maybe some other brain failure, I'm really not capable of loving anyone. I'm not even sure if I love any members of my family. I can also never be 100% comfortable in a room with someone else no matter how long I have known them for because anything that would involve me being me I would need to be alone for. Anyone relate or am I just a sociopath?",Personality disorder +51190,"Hey here are some thoughts of mine I believe some or all of you could relate to for your next therapy visit.. AVPD In summary So I feel.. + +Sexually compulsive + +I feel energy drained.. stress accumulated leading to failure + +Stress about just anything in general.. too much of it + +Difficult to have own opinion, I doubt if I even agree on the way that I feel or think about a certain topic at times. I believe this stems from stress + +Depressed.. sometimes I just feel like all the light and life has been sucked out of me at random times. Occurs usually when I’m around people, and gives me a feeling of desolation like I am emotionally alone in my own world + +I want to finish this with a little bit of food for thought, of what I have come to a conclusion is what doubt has done in your life and mine + +Guys think of any moment you’ve felt doubt.. remove moments of doubt which you can be sure of where the doubt came from like at school while taking a test. Now every other moment where the reason for the stress feels out there in the galaxy, that’s where I strongly feel stress inhibits us and we don’t even bat an eye and question it. But why question why you are stressed.. isn’t this just part of who I am? I should learn to live with it.. it’s so difficult to live this way, we are so intermingled with stress that it just becomes a part of us and sadly we stop seeing it this way for whatever reason we have, but doubt lives upstairs from us, casting a cloud over us every time it kicks and stomps over our thoughts and our ambitions into what feels like uncaring mundanity..",Personality disorder +51191,,Personality disorder +51192,"Thanks for being the community I never dreamt to have + +so yesterday I had a therapy session, and the therapist asked why i think i have no friends. + +i answered i have interests that few share, where i live as i live in a small city, so it is hard to have friends or form relations based on interests. also, i have no interest in sports and that is the common interest where i live + +i told him i am part of many online communities, but i just lurk as i feel that i don't belong enough to participate in these communities even if they are based on my interests + +at that moment i remembered reddit and this community, and i felt that i already have a community where i can freely be who i am without fear + +When I joined reddit it was for something tech related, then i said why not searching for avoidant and i was expecting nothing but to my surprise i found this sub, and it was unbelievable as it is hard to find anything related to avoidant + +i was new to reddit and navigating it, but i was happy as i found people like me. + +as i kept browsing, i started to get related more and more to your posts. I felt a connection to you, and i realized i am not alone anymore. + +Knowing i am not alone anymore, is one of the greatest things anyone can ask for, it meant i have People who can understand me and my struggle and what i am going through. + +People who can understand me and i can understand them. + +People with who i can share whatever i want, knowing they will understand me and won't judge me + +in this community,i don't hesitate or feel shy to share anything with you + +from sharing memes to asking questions and seeking help and advice + +here, I share my problems and secrets that no one knows, including my family. + +I finally found a home here and family + +this community really seems like an oasis in the desert + +I have more to say about this community but i want to keep this post short as possible. + +i feel blessed that i found you and being part of this community + +i just wish I could meet you or some of you in the real world + +and to newcomers welcome abroad. in one way or another, you aren't alone anymore.",Personality disorder +51193,"Feel like I'm too far gone I'll try to keep this brief as I tend to ramble on about how much I pity myself. I just feel like no matter how much work I put in it will never be enough. I have been getting out of my comfort zone lately and putting myself into more social situations but the more I do it the more disillusioned I become. I think that even if the fear and anxiety I feel with socializing was removed, I'd still only ever be able to interact on a superficial level. It's like a fundamental part of me is missing. It feels like the best I can ever hope for is to function in society at a basic level. + +Sorry to be a melodramatic downer. I'm just feeling really low today and wanted to put my thoughts out there. Maybe someone can relate. Thanks for listening.",Personality disorder +51194,"Oh god I just feel so soul crushingly alone I can’t take it anymore! I don’t know how to reach out to people online to make friends, let alone my classmates in real life. My parents only ever want to talk to my sister on the phone. I’m so isolated and deprived of any attention or social interaction I feel like I’m going completely fucking crazy. + +I don’t even know where to begin getting help through therapy! I know the first step is to even TAKE a step at all, but I just get so paralyzed by terror I can’t do anything whatsoever. My college has some counseling program they’re partnered with in this city, but I don’t know how to reach out and beg for help. I don’t even know what words to use, I need a script or something. + +I’m 22 and I don’t have a single close friend, every time I take a personality quiz that has a question along the lines of “how many close friends do you have” and there isn’t an option for zero, a part of my soul dies. My boyfriend that I only stayed with out of fear of making him mad by breaking up with him broke up with me a couple weeks ago, and the ONLY social interaction I had whatsoever following that was extremely explicit anonymous sexual harassment on Tumblr that still makes my skin crawl to think about, but I didn’t tell them to stop until a different anon said “hey don’t you think this is kinda predatory?” because I didn’t want to be the killjoy by asking for it to stop and anyway I was probably overreacting about the whole thing to begin with, but now that that’s over since I blocked a few of them and turned anon off, I’m back to zero socialization whatso-fucking-ever! + +Every desperate cry for help feels like I’m just screaming into a vacuum, I don’t know how to get out of this fucking hole I’m trapped in, I’m too goddamn spineless to claw my way out. Can anyone hear me?!?! I just want someone to acknowledge me directly for once, I just want my classmates to invite me to lunch again, they used to invite me daily last year but at some point it feels like they just gave up on trying to get me involved and now it’s all my fault I still don’t have any fucking friends. + +At this point I don’t even want to blame the AvPD, I just want to blame myself for letting this shit perpetuate in my brain so much, it’s like I let a mold spread in here and now it’s in all the wrinkles in my brain, fuck.",Personality disorder +51195,"Update to 'Oh god, I have a date' [My old post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/comments/zwc806/oh_god_i_have_a_date/) + +Hi everyone! + +Since you all were so kind I wanted to share my experience. The date went okay, but she kind of felt distant to me afterwards, shorter answers, not really engaging in text chats. +It felt like she had no interest so I stopped texting her. +Last Wednesday after a dance class some people went to a bar in the same building. I chatted with her and some other people. It was quite nice. +Afterwards we had the same way home so we walked together and kept talking. +She talked about some mental health problems she had and how she was dealing with it, therapy and so on. She was quite open and frank. +Later when I was at home I thought about how she was in person compared to the text messages. My picture of her had changed a bit. Previously I would have said she was quite the confident woman (I still think she is though), but afterwards I saw that she also had internal struggles and insecurities. +So, I today decided to ask her again if she'd like to meet for a coffee. +She texted me back, that she thinks I'm really sweet and it's always fun talking with me, but her life is too ""full"" right now and she has no place right now for another friendship or something deeper. She'd like to keep it at the dance lessons and socials. She is sorry, that's probably not the answer I was hoping for, but she is just trying to being honest. +I wrote back, that it wasn't the answer I hoped for, but I thought I would get. I thought she was a great person and find her to be pretty awesome, so I had to write her. + +So, that's it. I'm a bit sad now, although I knew this would be coming. Still it's better to be in the clear. + +I've given up some hope to find a partner. It's so hard not to be frustrated or be frustrated, live through the frustration and get out of it on top. + +My few relationships began during those very rare moments in my life, where I was truly happy. A condition that feels unreachable at the moment. This makes it feel impossible to find love. +I try to be the best person I can be, but it never feels enough.",Personality disorder +51196,"Does your anxiety , fear of judgment ,rejection or humiliation stop you from doing daily basic tasks ? Do your triggers replay in your mind constantly ? I can said I have hight functioning AvPD. I go to work , teach my classes .I'm constantly wanting to improve and develop a strong career path and get enough money for surviving in a Latin American country. + +But a few things happened while in quarantine , I was depressed , isolated with my family, grieving that a part of my body wasn't functioning well and got removed that destroyed me and on top of that my religious trauma and the stupid comments of my mother who things all the things need to be her way or not be at all. She hurt me terribly. + +Anyways , as I isolated i created a new perspective of shame and was constantly bullied by neighbors for my attitudes and behaviors as I was bragging a lot due to my financial and career position were higher than of those adults around me just at 22. I know that's awful and was against my original principles but I think I just tried to cope. I'm more mature i recognize it was a mechanism to avoid rejection and shame. Like ""You can laugh or make comments about me ,but you are average and I'm not"". +I started working at higher education by the time . + +I feel so much shame after all that happened and my avoidant traits have gotten even worse. I barely leave the home. I just go to my job, go home and repeat the cycle everyday. I am going through some medical difficulties nowdays and I have to come to the realization that I can't live like this anymore. This is not life. I don't do anything else apart from working and existing , I cannot practice any hobbies or watch anything cuz I think that if I sing in portuguese or Spanish or English somebody on the other side of the wall is gonna be ready to laugh at me. + +I don't even talked to my parents ,unless I feel sure nobody could hear us. Sometimes I try doing something and past memories come to hunt me . I tried moving out on my own ,but the fear of being judge for being a female living alone and not talking to anyone has taken me out of the apartment and I've been paying it for two months now, without living there. Putting as an excuse that once I recover more from a recent surgery I had , I'll go back to my place. + + +Bless your heart if you took the time to read all these mess.",Personality disorder +51197,Family relationships I had a weird childhood where I feel to this day like a lot of my own relatives don’t know the real me and it makes me sad to think about. And I wonder what caused that my own cousins don’t really talk to me. They are a bit older and have different life situations but still. I have vague memories of things that could’ve went wrong looking back. Maybe some conflicts but it’s so unclear I’m not sure. Is anyone else here able to relate?,Personality disorder +51198,"Might i have avpd? Alright before i start i want to say that im 16. Ive been showing some symptoms as long as i can remember, but i hate self diagnosis so i want some help. Because i dont want to have a pd(obviously) Ive been extremely shy and untrusting of others ever since i was a small child. Im often rude and cold to people bc im extremely afraid of someone talking to me and try to make them think im not talking to them bc im arrogant and not a loser whos afraid of everyone. But im more like the second. Ive always been insecure also, i had a history of self harm. But i did that because i feel like im not enough and dont deserve to even breath the same air as most people, not because im suicidal. I had suicidal thoughts a lot but i never considered doing it because im too much of a coward for it. I also project my insecurities on people a lot and try to find someone inferior to me to communicate. Ive felt inferior for so long that i want to be superior to someone so i project my insecurities and drag them down. Im not jelaous by any means, i just want someone inferior to me. I dont think i even need to mention i have no friends, and push anyone that tries to talk to me bc i suspect theyre bullying me. But i have good relations with my family even though they also make me a little anxious. And i have a diagnosis of gad",Personality disorder +51199,"Therapy Success for AVPD? Anyone? I’ve only recently discovered my disorder falls into AVPD (6 of 7 characteristics). I’ve been going to a psychiatrist for years - who’s treated me for depression (Zoloft). Ive always been “shy”, overly self critical, etc. + +I’ve been to 5 Therapists over the last 20 years - none have really helped me. We’ve identified the causes of my AVPD (very critical parents, physical abuse. . Sexual abuse in Jr High.) However - that’s a far as I get. The rest is just talking about my feelings. I get 6 to 9 mos in - and I feel like I’m just saying the same stuff. So I quit. + +Has any AVPD-sufferers ever had success with Therapy? + +What does “success” look like? I can’t even imagine. Are you more socially successful and “bulletproof” from criticism? + +What methods did you use in Therapy that made you successful? What did you do, beyond talking about your traumas, that helped you? + +What kind of Therapist was helpful in getting passed, or improving? Is there some specialization or kind of therapist that is more successful with AVPD? + +Thx.",Personality disorder +51200,"How does one with AvPD even begin to entertain the idea of being in a romantic relationship? To me the idea of being in a relationship like that is the ultimate danger as the level of intimacy in that dynamic is as high as it can possibly be in life. It is just hard to comprehend myself being able to deal with something like that because the fear is overwhelming. For this reason this is one of the hardest things for me to work on despite making inroads in other respects. + +I have learned to personally engage with people in a platonic way, although I have a sort of mental dissonance that keeps most social interactions at a superficial level. But it seems like that is not a possibility with romance, which is why I have not been able to adapt or understand how to even go about it. This is why like many other posts I have come across on here, I have virtually no experience at 27. + +I'm wondering how others have even begun to be able to make an effort to seek one or even be in one as the possibility of rejection and having to be emotionally open is amplified. I realize that avpd obviously is an individualized experience and other social dynamics might be more difficult for others and this is not me saying that I believe those in relationships are lying about their diagnosis of course. It's just moreso that I have a difficult time relating and understanding how you guys who have succeeded in this have made this progress.",Personality disorder +51201,"I know this probably isn't AVPD, but sometimes I suspect I have a bit of it due to symptoms, but that doesn't mean anything School sucks. All I do is hide the bathroom every break time to avoid social interactions because I also know there isn't anywhere to go or sit. If there is a place in the library, I hope that nobody sits next to me or looks at me. I think people stare at me, but when I look up, they're not. I wish school days went faster and feel like I get anxiety attacks. + +I avoid making friends at school because I feel inferior to people. Like, I don't deserve them, and they're much better having someone else as a friend than me because I have 0 social skills and stress to maintain friendships. I try to seem mildly interesting by having hobbies, but i know it isn't enough. I sometimes feel severely lonely and depressed at school and at home but try to distract myself from that. I don't speak a word at school. Somedays, I dissociate, and everything feels like this isn't my home or I'm dreaming. + +I think this is just general social anxiety, but do any of you relate? (BTW, I'm not trying to self diagnose. I just need some help...)",Personality disorder +51202,"You lot don't exist. Who am I talking to? WHY am I talking to? There's no one here! This is a faceless screen, a faceless website. There's no one actually here. No one can hear me. No one can see me either. I don't exist. You don't exist. I'm not actually talking to anyone. It's just my phone. Or my laptop. Talking back to me. Every day. No one actually will hear me. Where am I? How did I get here? Why do I even feel emotionally attached to some voices coming from my phone? You lot don't exist! I don't exist!",Personality disorder +51203,,Personality disorder +51204,"Birthday Party It's my birthday tomorrow. My family wants to throw a party for me and my twin brother. They said to invite our friends and they'll invite the rest of the family and our cousins we haven't seen in a while. My brother doesn't have AVPD, all his friends are coming. I had a friend but I avoided him, I have no one to invite.It's my birthday tomorrow, and I'm feeling like doing some avoidant shit.🥳",Personality disorder +51205,"Do I leave this friend? She's been a friend of mine for 5 years, she's caring, loyal and she's always been there for me but she has this habit. If she's upset she'll ignore the shit out of me, she'll snap at me for the smallest of things without warning. I've told her she has the right to be upset and express herself but she can give me a heads up instead of ignoring me and making me feel guilty. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. I asked this on a avpd reddit because I already feel lonely, I can't imagine losing her as well. What do I do?",Personality disorder +51206,"Anyone else feels like this? So i went to the shop today to collect an order. I told the cashier my name an so on. The thing is there werent really any thoughts going around in my head, and i tried to be so confident but still felt terrible the entire time. My body become really stiff and uncomfortable the entire time i was there. Like i really try to become better but how can i Shake this sensation?",Personality disorder +51207,"Are you guys compulsive spenders? I've looked at my analytics over the past 2 years, from the day I marked down as all the shit starting and I couldn't believe it. + +I don't even want to give the sum here, because I'm ashamed. But it's a lot. And the point is, I've been receiving money from my n-parents as an allowance, I didn't even have a job, I didn't even go to school, I could save it, spend it on whatever I want. + +I don't even want to leave my house anymore right now...",Personality disorder +51208,"Do you guys have a stash? I still have some Sertraline, a lot of Cipralex, a lot of Depakine. Almost an entire box of Abilify, a little over two sheets of Seroquel... And the corpses of all the Klonopin in my town. + +Sigh... God, I miss Klonopin...",Personality disorder +51209,,Personality disorder +51210,"Anyone run the other way from their friends? I have always struggled making friends, developing deeper relationships, and feeling safe in friendships. Once a friendship starts to develop into something deeper, I run the other way. I think I’m so scared of being rejected that I reject myself before it can happen to me or catch me off guard. I think I’m also paranoid that people are just being polite and no one actually likes me, especially if I pick up on any tiny “clues” that this might be the case. Clues look like friends not texting in a while, friends not inviting me to something, hanging out with other friends without me, or just some way that I interpret their communication or tone. + +Does anyone experience this and how do you keep from running the other way when you can’t interpret if you’re truly wanted as a friend or if you need to back off? Do I just need to take a leap of faith?",Personality disorder +51211,"I do not struggle only with the fear of being rejected but also the discomfort of rejecting I don't know if anyone else here feels like this, but I've noticed that the thought of having to reject someone I don't like is also feeding my avoidance. + +At this point I already know that I'm not compatible with 99% of the people near me, I can't connect, I have some niche interests and different beliefs and values compared to most of the people where I live. +Finding someone I really like is something that happens one time in years and even though I know they exist, it is very rare for me to find them. + +The thing is: sometimes people see me being more reclusive and think is just because I'm shy, I guess they feel pity/empathy for who they think I am so they start trying to socialize with me, but the truth is I am willingly distancing because I don't see anything in common with them or sometimes see things that actually annoy me, but I feel so uncomfortable rejecting their attempt, specially if we have to see each other a lot, even If I know nothing that satisfies me will come from there. + +Because I have experienced the pain of rejection a lot of times I feel empathy for them (or, as I said, for what I think they will feel when rejected, which is the same pain I've felt in the past) but I also think there's also a factor of fear of judgement (and therefore rejection I guess?) here, because I'm afraid they will find me arrogant, rude, mean, superficial, someone with a superiority complex or just straight up be mad at me. I have this good girl syndrome and the thought of someone thinking bad of me is so excrutiating that just doing what is more comfortable for the others and not for me seems to be easier, but of course it's not being sustainable on the long run. + +So yeah, nowadays I'm also avoiding social interaction and new relationships because I know that I'll probably not like or be compatible with the person, am afraid of being judged/rejected and also of having to reject.",Personality disorder +51212,"Is: Aversion to physical touch / affection - cause anyone else to tense up and feel uncomfortable? Hi, I'm not sure if this is an AVPD thing or a CPTSD thing... + +But I have a strong rejection of any physical touch that's comforting or affectionate. + +I'm permanently tense and hypervigilant and I now have a lovely dog who is so loving - but I notice I basically reject her affection of leaning against me by tensing up. I've tried letting go and accepting the comfort of her touch but it leaves me feeling very strange and uneasy. My dog is very smart and notices the miniscule flexes of my muscles and my pushing back at her and will either walk away or try harder to 'love' me / affiliate with me by persisting with her leaning against me with a little bit more weight. She's quite a teacher like that, and could maybe help me learn to accept love/affiliation. + +The same has happened with professional physical massages. I would be 'body armouring' against the touch and tensing up and trying to push away the masseur instead of relaxing and accepting the physical touch and enjoying that experience. + +I have a feeling this is related to an early life trauma thing... but I was wondering if any one with AVPD relates to this. I don't know why I feel so repulsed by physical contact - it makes me feel squirmish and so uncomfortable, in danger almost.. + +Often if I initiate it and am slightly dissociated I can do it. But there's a wall there preventing it from being too authentic or entirely organic, - essentially going through the motions without mindfulness due to the layer of dissociation in the forefront. + +Then there are other times when I can genuinely be affectionate for a short while, to my dog.. giving her a stroke or cuddle - without being dissociated, instead mindful. However after a little while this is when I think AVPD comes into play.... : as I then start to think I suck at being affectionate and that my dog thinks I'm an idiot or annoying or needy or something. (so total lack of self confidence comes into play) + +My experience of touch is kind of like comforting a stranger{in my experience}, you're not 100% in the moment as you're not sure what to do to be there for them. Except I'm like this with giving all friendly/informal/affectionate touch. And receiving it seems to scare me. It confuses me and makes me feel incredibly vulnerable and I rebel against it from the very core of my psyche and body. I can feel like a child / perhaps toddler age.. inside me trying to fight off an opposing force.. when I am touched which makes me think it's a trauma/CPTSD thing. + +Wish I knew how to work with it.. I get overwhelmed. No therapist currently.. + +Things like; I will start stroking the dog as it's happy to see me and wagging it's tail. But then when the tail stops wagging I'll instantly feel like I've done something wrong or the dog isn't enjoying the attention (failure/defective schemas --- {or low self-esteem simply}). So I then try stroking her somewhere else or give up. ----> I'm sure a therapist could help me navigate this quite easily. + +I do have times when It works, I can be affectionate and not crumble in failure if the dog is non responsive, I guess the other times I'm seeking validation that I'm being comforting? the times it works cohesively/naturally are getting easier with practise... but I don't know any tools or practical ways to get better at it when I'm not feeling like it. Most of the time I just want to be alone.. and this dog is very affectionate and I don't want to fail at being reciprocate. - and of course this is all prelude to having human relationships.. which are infinitely more complex.",Personality disorder +51213,"I am no longer afraid of ghosts since I get AVPD I went out to throw garbage in the middle of the night today, it was dark outside, and there was no one there, and I was not scared at all. I might have been scared in the past, but now I hope that some ghost will appear to accompany me, because I really Is it too afraid of humans and too lonely, is there the same?",Personality disorder +51214,"If someone whistles around you, does it mean they're judging you internally? I can't find anything on Google about this, but sometimes it feels like people are lowkey putting me down by whistling. It's very annoying.",Personality disorder +51215,"Anyone else like me? I am 30 years old never had a job, never moved out of my parents house, have only one friend and have never been in a relationship. I’m so ashamed of myself but at the same time I have no motivation to change and am so depressed all I ever wanna do is sleep or lay in bed playing games and watching YouTube. Is anyone else like this? If you were and were able to make changes ( ie get a job move out) was a difficult to make friends? Did people ridicule you and reject you once they found out how pathetic you were?",Personality disorder +51216,Compliments How often do you get them? Do you make them? What's your reaction on compliments?,Personality disorder +51217,"i don’t know why i don’t like having relationships with people i’ve always felt extremely anxious around people and unfortunately due to covid/quarantine, i’ve gotten really used to and fond of being alone. i’ve have “friends” but i’m horrible to them, i feel extremely guilty about it but i just don’t know what to do. i constantly avoid going places with them by coming up with really elaborate excuses, i don’t let them know anything about me or my personal life either. but they’ve always for some reason have come to me for advice and to vent, i don’t necessarily dislike when they do that, but i’m not opening up to them about myself, and i think i’m hurting them in the process. the idea of me having friends or even a romantic relationship sounds really nice in theory, but the moment anyone shows any sort of initiative to become my friend i immediately become exhausted or even sometimes annoyed. i feel like such a deeply horrible person because of my cowardliness since i don’t ever express this to anyone. i just don’t know what to do, i want to be alone but i also want someone to care for me and i care for them, but i realistically just don’t see that happening to me, maybe i don’t deserve it i really don’t know. +this all sounds really convoluted but if anyone relates or has any advice please let me know.",Personality disorder +51218,"Went to a busy store today Hello everyone :) hope you're all having a good one! + + I went to best buy today to pick up a new phone and im ngl it was quite stressful. I had my phone for about 5 years and it was time for an upgrade. The whole process of trading in my phone was so stressful because not only was the employee kinda anxiety inducing to deal with, but he trashed my sim card by messing around with the sim tray on my old phone and tried to say my phone was too old and that i can ""buy a new one because they're cheap"" + +So after all that mess, I had to walk to my carrier and the closest one was closed. I was kinda shaking at this point because I felt like my whole day was going wrong, but I got kinda brave and took an uber to the other side of town to replace my sim card + +I lived to tell this tale lol + +Tldr: upgraded phone but best buy employee trashed my sim card so had to journey all over town to get a new one",Personality disorder +51219,"Is anyone else terrified of driving? I've always been terrified of driving and get extremely anxious, especially in new areas or high traffic areas. Driving with other people in the car also gives me anxiety. Does anyone else get this or is it just a me thing?",Personality disorder +51220,,Personality disorder +51221,"I’ve decided to opt out of this disorder lol I’m not an extrovert, I don’t want attention, I’m okay with being silent, I hate small talk, I want deep connections that come from a place of mutual patience and empathy and I’m sorry to admit this so late, but I won’t find that with like 99% of people. It just is how it is. What I’ll try to work on: + +I’ll allow myself to fail, stutter or mumble when I don’t feel comfortable talking in groups, but I’ll talk nonetheless when I have something to say so that I can practice that which I’m not good at. + +Which means I’ll allow myself to feel discomfort. Deep discomfort and shame, which I know, will lessen one day or I’ll get used to the feelings. + +I’ll allow myself to be intimate with people I feel comfortable with. And to warn them when I feel like fleeing and hiding. The right people will understand and won’t give up so easily. + +I’ll accept failure, expect disappointment and revel in misery because I know it will lead me to something better than this dark void I’ve been living in the last years of my life. + +Thank you.",Personality disorder +51222,"Does anyone else feel like they're too ""boring"" to have friends? If you ask me what my hobbies are, I can't name any. If you ask me what my talents are, I can't name any. + +I follow current events, politics, foreign policy. I read the Washington Post and the NY Times and The Economist. I listen to podcasts. But to me, that's not so much a ""hobby"" as just part of being a responsible citizen who keeps up with what's going on in the world. + +I try to go running or ride my stationary bike a few times a week. But again, I don't see that as a ""hobby"" but just doing what we're all technically ""supposed"" to do to minimize the risk of health problems. + +None of these are things that really bring you closer to people or are conducive to meeting them. + +When I was in college, there'd always be some guy who was an amazing guitar player and people would just magnetically gravitate toward him and just ""vibe."" I've never had any musical talent. + +Or people would just play frisbee or pickup soccer. I've never been able to do something like that. My body freezes up, I panic, I'm afraid I'm going to make a mistake and everyone else will get mad at me. In middle school PE, if we had to play soccer or basketball I'd always just stand as far off to the side as I could and run *away* from the ball if it was anywhere near me; if I was getting in trouble for that I'd say I had to go to the bathroom or wasn't feeling well and needed to see the nurse. In HS, I ran cross country precisely because so much of the competition wasn't being watched, you didn't have to do anything with other people, and if you messed up it was solely on you and nobody else would get pissed off at you. A lot of people seem to do things like play softball or volleyball in rec leagues and I wish I could do something like that without having a panic attack and feeling like a fucking spaz. + +I've never really played video games. When I was growing up, my parents basically forbade me from playing any that they regarded as ""too violent"" which meant nothing like Halo or CoD or the other popular franchises people would get into. And I've always avoided them as an adult because if I started spending a bunch of time playing video games by myself, somehow that would make me feel even *more* isolated than I already am. + +I've never really done any traveling because I've always felt too self-conscious to take a trip by myself. (I'm a guy so I don't have the excuse of safety, which can be an issue for women doing solo travel in some parts of the world.) In college, I never did any kind of study abroad because I was afraid I'd get there and nobody would like me and I'd basically be trapped there for weeks with no way to escape. I'd feel embarrassed about not being able to speak to people in their native language (even though virtually no Americans can do that anyway). I see people on social media backpacking through Europe or Asia and hanging out with all these people they just met and I have no fucking clue how they pull that off. + +Does anyone else feel this way? Almost like you're just a Non-Player Character in a video game who doesn't really get to have their own story while everyone else is going on adventures through life? If I meet someone and they ask what I ""like to do"" I basically draw a blank. + +Or, if not, do you have any suggestions for how to make yourself more interesting?",Personality disorder +51223,"I feel like I can't come out of isolation because I have nothing to show for it No friends/accomplishments etc. Just been living the past few years in isolation. I have a deep sense of shame about this and I finally feel like I want to come out and like, be a person again. But the thought of meeting new people who didn't waste years in isolation makes me queasy. Making friends when you have none just feels downright embarrassing. Reconnecting with people I lost touch with years ago due to this lovely PD is also mortifying. ""Sorry I stopped talking to you, I took a break from being a person for a few years"" isn't really something I feel comfortable admitting. How do I explain myself without scaring off everyone? What if I do engage with the world again, have a good thing going for a while, and then just shut down again, only this time with a new batch of people to disappoint when I inevitably ghost them. So I do nothing. The cycle continues.",Personality disorder +51224,"Does anyone else completely helpless? Like I barely can do the most basic things like taking care of myself and if some obstacle gets in the way I wouldn't know what am I suppose to do. And I'm grown ass adult, 31 years old, don't know how to stop being like this 🤕",Personality disorder +51225,"High functioning avoidants I don’t know if this is even a thing but I feel like it describes me. I have no problems talking to people, especially strangers, yet I have no follow through if they show interest. I’ll get invited for dinner, coffee, etc and always make an excuse. + +I did get married twice but left quickly as soon as things became difficult and while I was in them I was very much a loner. I had no desire to go out with friends, do things with family and such. + +I start projects with earnest and get so excited about them yet can’t follow through to finish them. + +Even on Reddit, I have no problem starting a conversation yet when someone replies it puts me in flight mode, I’m so afraid I’ll be seen as dumb or unlearned. Or that my opinion isn’t worthy of a response. + +I have the get up and go that got up and went I guess you could say. I’m trying to work past it though and not just react in the moment anymore and instead take my time, and push myself to follow through. I don’t want this disorder to control me like it does. Can you relate?",Personality disorder +51226,"The rare occasion where I decide to speak up, I end up saying something stupid and retreat back into my comfort zone Frustratingly it takes time for me to get back out. I keep thinking how dumb it was for me to even bother trying when I should’ve stayed quiet like usual. It’s annoying because when it comes to social situations, I pretty much never forget things so I can end up dwelling on things a lot.",Personality disorder +51227,has anyone tried rejection therapy? ive been hearing a lot about rejection therapy and it sounds like a great idea for people in general to do but especially for those of us with avpd. the thing is the thought of me trying it makes me nauseous... like id rather die than torture myself like that. im wondering if anyone in this sub has tried it out and how did it go? did it help?,Personality disorder +51228,,Personality disorder +51229,,Personality disorder +51230,,Personality disorder +51231,"Childhood I just found this group recently, and it got me thinking. I feel like I was always this way, but it doesn't make sense to me that someone would simply be born this way. + +One of my first memories was standing behind my parents, and somebody asked them, ""What is wrong with him?"" To which they responded, ""Oh, he is just shy."" + +In the first grade during story time, I would face against the wall 2 feet away from everybody and just daydream. Never joining in, but according to my mom, my teacher found it cute, so she never said anything. + + +I found it embarrassing at the age of 7 when someone would call their parents ""mommy and daddy."" + +I would sit with the kids that bullied me during lunchtime because I desperately wanted them to accept me. + + +Up until high school, I would constantly go to the nurses office trying to act sick so I could leave, and at the very least be able to laydown for sometime. + +From middleschool to highschool I found my way to kinda fit in which was through humor, gained a lot of attention but I only felt like I had 2 real friends this entire time. Even though id spend countless nights crying thinking those friends really hated me + +Any girl I liked in highschool I would never pursue because I didnt think I deserved them. Im sure everyone here did this though. + + +Since the focus is on childhood, im going to stop here, but I just find it interesting how, for me, it seems I was always like this. How is it that in early development, someone can be so self-conscious?",Personality disorder +51232,,Personality disorder +51233,"I Hate School I am currently in my second semester in college and I hate it. I am not the most intelligent person but I try my best. It's expensive but my scholarships cover it so I am going for free. I am very grateful that I have this opportunity but it is terrible. I started with a mandatory orientation where all we did was walk around and talk to each other. This was my personal circle of hell. I can manage in small groups, but this was at least 30 people. A week of that. + +&#x200B; + +I also had a class called ""you at \*school\*"". It was ALL TEAM BUILDING. It was a show-up for credit class and I almost failed because I wouldn't participate. I had to do a presentation and just started crying in the middle of it. I have never been more embarrassed in my life. I went to sit down and the girl next to me was patting my shoulder and asking if I wanted to go into the hallway for a bit. I don't like people touching me. + +&#x200B; + +Now, as a recovering addict, I have another Layer of Isolation. Everyone is in their ""my mom is not here let's party"" phase and I can't be around any type of substance without jeopardizing my sobriety. So I can't just show up to an open party or talk because that's all people do now. + +&#x200B; + +I also have a class that's just discussion groups. It is 12 people so not as bad as my larger class', except no one talks. It's just the T-A repeating the same question prompt over and over till someone speaks up. I wanted to fill the awkward silence so I said something and now I am expected to talk all the time. + +&#x200B; + +I hate talking. I wish I had an invisibility cloak to go to class with. I am ruining my education because I can't function properly. And I am so jealous of others around me. I want to be happy like them.",Personality disorder +51234,"How am I supposed to make friends? I’m 25 and haven’t had any proper friends for like 10 years. + +I know lots of people are in this situation but I feel like it’s extra hard for me because I am such a sociable person at heart and talking to others is the main ways I naturally feel happy. + +I’m not confident but I have forced myself to go out and meet people, but I think my personality is too weird that I’ll never really get close to anyone. It takes so much energy to push myself and open up to strangers and be my socially awkward embarrassing self in front of people, so when I manage to do it and don’t make friends it makes me want to give up at life. + +I think about this all the time and never get any relief from constant feelings of loneliness and boredom and emptiness and when I’m around people like working and realise I’m not close to anyone it I have to literally use breathing exercises to stop myself from crying because I realise that I’m a huge mis fit and the odds of me making a friend with my avpd and everything are extremely slim and I shouldn’t have as much hope as I do. + +I don’t know what to do anymore it’s been a long time and I’m just waiting for something that isn’t in my future and I want to give up I don’t know how to keep going or what for.",Personality disorder +51235,"Trying hard not to push everyone away I’ve found myself in more groups in school this semester, and it’s really starting to affect me. Since I have to talk to my classmates, it’s hard not to become acquaintances with some of them. But now, I feel like I’m in too deep and need to retreat. I want to shut everyone out to protect myself. + +I know it’s stupid because they aren’t mean to me or make me feel bad, it’s just in my head. My mind tells me that they don’t really care for me…they just have to talk to me. What is that? Why can’t I just believe that people can like me as a person? Constantly having to battle my negative thoughts about myself to keep from shutting down on everyone. This is so dumb…and I feel really self centered for thinking this way.",Personality disorder +51236,"Can't get anything done Not sure if anyone else relates, but I'm struggling to start or finish anything. I'm incredibly behind in my work, and I don't do any hobbies or spend much time at the gym either. I'm also pretty ashamed of myself, which leads me to avoid people. It's not a good circle to be stuck in. I've had ideas for things to try, but it's pretty hard to start anything. Does anyone else relate?",Personality disorder +51237,"Speaking my mind when talking to my therapist I have no problem with being open and honest with my therapist. But no matter what I say, I never feel like anything I ever say is true. I can talk about how sad I feel or what it feels like to have a conversation, but somehow my brain always wants me to think that I’m making stuff up or something. I have so many conversations in my head where I feel like I’m able to express myself fully. But once I’m talking to my therapist, or anyone else for that matter, it’s all just nonsense. It just makes me feel so god damn lonely and stupid. + +So I told my therapist about this, and she suggested I make a recording or write whatever I want to say down, so that I can express myself more fully. + +Anyone else have the same problem?",Personality disorder +51238,Can we please hear some success stories? Y'all have got to share them.,Personality disorder +51239,"I’m really sick of how superficial people have become. i mean people have always been superficial but i feel like tiktok has made this problem much worse. ive had my hair cut short for 12 years now and in those 12 years ive been treated like shit, gradually getting worse since the pandemic. i used to be so happy with myself and short hair as a women but i now feel like people are stripping me of that. i constantly get irritating comments like “when are you going to grow it out? you should grow it out”, “i miss your long hair”, “i bet your hair is beautiful long!”, “are you in army?” (this one particularly bothers me because thats not the sort of way i want to present myself. i am very anti military, anti-war and to be seen as a supporter of that just irks me), “poor you must have cancer im sorry get well soon”, “are you making a statement”, “grow out your hair youll look better”, “you look like a dyke”, “your hair makes you look antisocial”… and probably more im forgetting. another thing is that ive been rejected by men before from just my hair. it hurts so fucking much it makes me never want to show my face in public again. im already so ashamed of how i look. i feel like im disgusting and stupid looking. im sick of hearing comments and being treated like this so i decided to just give in and let it grow out. i give up",Personality disorder +51240,"My father My father is an addict and overall an incomprehensible and insufferable person. He never gave me nothing. He has never been willing to listen to me, and when I insist on expressing my ideas, he calls me ""punk"", ""alienated"" or ""callow"". He never gave me a useful advice. He's extremely obsessive and unflexible. His neuroticism hits the skies. He talks with imaginary people. He's unable to follow the most basic social conventions, to the point of harrasment in very grotesque ways. He believes that most people, including me, my mom and my brother, are ""zombies dominated by the virtual world and the hegemonic imperial power that displays an upside down world"" (sic). + +We live in Venezuela. He believes or used to believe that he was secretely the ""number two"" of the regime, that Maduro qouted his tweets, and that the Intelligence Service escorted him 24/7. He believes that his neighbour, who has been repeatedly harrased by him, owns the biggest child prostitution ring in the country. + +Despite coming from a consolidated upper class, white family, and having opportunities in places like San Diego, he never worked. He never provided. My mom, who comes from a family of peasants, has provided everything in my life by nothing but her own hands. When my grandmother died due to my father's negligence, he inherited a ridiculous ammount of money by selling our house. He wasted it all in obvious scams in exchange for literal bottles of rum and whiskey. At one point, I felt anxious about the prospect of him not providing a HOME for me and him. + +He has always been a parasite. When he could, he consumed alcohol in copious ammounts and acted very aggresively and disturbingly. He made me cry sometimes. He brought my mom to the brink of madness. His surroundings always smell like tobacco and piss. Now, he totally depends on my mom for survival. He's a eternal thing in my life.",Personality disorder +51241,"Fatherlessness is what messed me up. It wasn't that my parents weren't married. + +But, relatively, my dad just wasn't there for me. + +It hurts. + +But, I will heal. + +I will deal with my anxiety. + +I will keep working on myself.",Personality disorder +51242,"Why can't I do just one thing? So, I've posted here before, but here we go again: + +I work on hobbies, skills, and side hustles very intensely, but never intensely enough to do anything with them. I have a degree in music education so I'm really really good at researching and breaking things down to the fundamental level in which I can learn them effectively. I am capable of picking things up very quickly. It's almost like the huge, dramatic improvements you make at the beginning of a skill or hobby give me the validation that I crave. + +The problem comes when I hit a plateau in improvement. These plateaus where you stop making huge dramatic improvements happen naturally. Due to my super sick AvPD tendencies, this plateau is perceived as invalidation and rejection. I'm aware of how ridiculous it is, but it continues to happen. At this point I basically ghost the hobby and start with something old or new. Whether or not I retain the knowledge from my ""fixation"" is anyone's guess. + +What should happen at these points of plateau is thoughtful consistency. If you continue to chip away, those vast improvements will happen, but over a larger timespan. I am unable to achieve that consistency because my AvPD tendencies make it extremely difficult to get past the first plateau of any skill. + +Ideally, I wish I could just spend months and months, even years, fixating on doing just one thing so that I can actually see these trees bear fruit. + +Here are a few examples of what I mean: + +\- Contemporary/Jazz saxophone/bass. Have the skills/knowledge in order to play and make a nice amount of cash gigging or playing weddings. Can't use these skills because I lack the consistency to go to jam sessions monthly, network, and learn the songs necessary to operate in these settings. The intense social aspect of the jazz/contemporary music scene also triggers my AvPD tendencies. + +\-Youtube/Video Editing/Content Creation - Built a youtube channel, totally unrelated to music, from nothing to monetized in less than a year, with almost 100,000 views. Lots of potential for growth. I taught myself and know my away around Photoshop, Premiere Pro, After Effects, with knowledge of basic filmmaking/editing techniques, audio engineering, etc. Again, I wish I could just completely no life this and make it blow up, cause I know I could. + +\-Programming/Tech I've taught myself, in a short time frame, a lot about programming, as well as the industry best practices and standards. I know for a fact that if I could just do this every day consistently, I could turn it in to a career. + +I wish I could just pick one of these things and go hard at it every single day.",Personality disorder +51243,,Personality disorder +51244,don’t feel like a human anymore after isolating for so many years i don’t know how to act around people. i don’t feel human. people don’t like me as soon as they meet me and i can’t figure out what i’m doing wrong anymore.,Personality disorder +51245,,Personality disorder +51246,"What should I do? Sorry for my bad English, but I've been bottling up for too long, and I don't know what to do, no one can understand me even my parents and therapists and strangers on the internet. + +Last year (2022), in February, I quit college (online) cuz I can't handle it, even though I got a good grade in one of my courses but I didn't think I got it at all! And after that, I wanted to start the business but I don't have money, my mom gave me money but she just gave me 16$, she said: ""After the items sold out, I will give u money again"". But when I started to sell in my shop, it didn't succeed cuz maybe I just have little items. Also, when I was in college, my mom rarely gave me money, unless it was for college tuition and the money for internet. My father is still alive but he never paid for my school. But the hurt thing in my life was my stepbrothers think that my father never gave them money cuz they think that all of my father's money was used up for me. + +And now I am 22y.o. I sent many job applications (about 20+ or more), but just get accepted for 1 job, but I ignore it cuz I can't ride a motorcycle and I think the salary was too low. I was thinking that I want to go to another country for a job, so I can get better life cuz I have a chronic illness and mental illness, but I don't have money. I told my mom about that, but she didn't agree with me, she want me to just stay here. I rarely lied to my parents when I was asking for money but now, sometimes I am lying to them cuz I think they are too stingy for just the only child in this family. + +I wanted to try short courses to get a remote job but I am unmotivated. People on the internet was saying that I have a sexy body when I sent my pics to them. I was thinking that maybe I can get a job in onlyfans but I was too shy about that. I've never doin' voice calling and video calling when I was doin' sexting. Btw, I am still a virgin but sometimes I want to try to lose it, but now there is no way to lose it cuz I have no life and my life is messed up.",Personality disorder +51247,"It's when we realize that we're broken that the hope for fixing ourselves sets in. Recognize the problem, folks. + +Take control of it as best as you can.",Personality disorder +51248,"I will soon be kicked out of the apartment And I don't know what to do :/ I have some little money and currently have a remote job but I maybe will loose it soon, maybe next month (they're not firing me, just due to circumstances they may or may not close the studio, it's not clear yet). Probably I can rent for a few months, but everything is so overpriced, so I'm not sure. And it's middle of winter. So anxious right now. +I tried to look for a job online, but didn't find anything (there's nothing irl, cause I live in small shithole town and I probably won't be hired that way anyway). But I didn't actually try hardly to find anything, just sitting on my ass, procrastinating. Don't even have any friends or even acquaintances, so.. 💀",Personality disorder +51249,"How do I know if I should actually be upset about something or if it’s just me being overly sensitive (aka my AvPD)? I feel like when someone (such as my boyfriend or family) are upset that it is my fault. I feel like I try my hardest to be “perfect” yet I am constantly falling way shorter than everyone else and what is expected of me. I feel like I am an annoyance, waste, f-up, and dumb. I am fairly observant of people’s body language and tone of voice. I pick up on a lot but some times I wonder if I’m making everything about me and I just need to ignore my (hurt) feelings. +I’m not sure how to navigate these situations.",Personality disorder +51250,Rumination Can't stop ruminating on failed friendship/crush I haven't seen or talked to them in year's but I just can't let it go completely 😔,Personality disorder +51251,"How do you finish University I just want to know for those that finish university how do you do it, I drop out last year because of how insanely hard and painfull it was and i was also getting kinda bullied",Personality disorder +51252,"Coping Ok this is gonna be really weird and random but I just wanted to share this because..idk, feels like something meaningful to me I guess? Thinking about all sorts of things takes like 99% of my day, my brain never shuts. And when I think about ""big picture"", like the world outside my internal one and my struggles, I am getting upset and resentful over my life. My one true friend during those times is my imagination and fantasies about life where I am normal and just..well, happy. About a month ago I finished watching playthrough of Lost in Vivo, and this is where the weird part starts lol. In short, it's game where player comes through vivo exposure therapy to overcome their fears and anxiety. In the good ending, player succeed and it represented as coming through light in the tunnel and reuniting with your dog. And that final scene, it has such a calming music, atmosphere. The player's been to hell and back so this light in the tunnel ending is really awesome. So, when I finished it, I started to imagine myself as that player. I've been through such a lot of things and I am trying my best to manage, so it gives me that tiny spark of hope that after all, universe will give me a break. Maybe things'll get better and maybe, just maybe I could finally make baby steps towards my dreams without my avpd being triggered so much. Thanks for listening to me 🙏",Personality disorder +51253,"do u take selfies? if so, do u post them? im curious. bcuz i sorta do and i post.. even tho i feel shit ab my appearance. its a confusing relationship lol",Personality disorder +51254,"I wish it was socially acceptable to just ask ""am I important to you"" I know this question sounds resentful and judgmental. It sounds like an accusation almost. But I'm tired of getting hurt because I overestimate how important I am to the other person. + +Even if they said ""no, you're not important to me"" It would hurt as hell, but only at first, like ripping the bandaid off. I would learn to not get attached and we'd talk at a respectable distance. + +Does someone know the way to word this question better? I'm so done with this constant confusion.",Personality disorder +51255,Did anyone else see this? I imagine it makes you feel the same way as me. https://www.reddit.com/r/RandomThoughts/comments/1133p8v/how_do_you_deal_with_your_friends_who_avoid_you/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button,Personality disorder +51256,Tomorrow is my first day in group therapy wish me luck!,Personality disorder +51257,"Do you ask people questions but they don't ask you anything? When I meet someone new, it seems like I'm always the person being curious and asking them questions. It just dawned on me they rarely ever ask me anything besides my name, if that. It's honestly tiresome.",Personality disorder +51258,"Anyome else feel like an outcast everywhere they go? Even in online spaces? Like even in discord servers for lonely people and foreveralone people or other groups, everyone is still more talkative and text a lot and dm each other in those places. I don't dm anyone, ever. And rarely does anyone feel like dming me. It's like something is wrong with me. I feel disconnected from people but idk how to establish a connection. I don't even have the motivation to try to do it anymore. But it makes me sad when even other socially malfunctioning people thrive in niche communities and I can't. It's like I suck everywhere I go and I'm always an outcast. Meanwhile others are still capable of forming bonds. It's an awful feeling.",Personality disorder +51259,"Trouble crying Anyone else have a hard time crying? It's like I have to push out a poop lol, even when alone(crying in front of ppl don't feel like an option) can't even cry properly smh",Personality disorder +51260,"Sometimes I feel like I don't actually exist, like I'm a ghost of sorts. Does anyone else know this feeling? + +I don't speak to anyone most days. Just my mom and dad, sometimes my sister. When I do speak, my voice sounds all weird because of the lack of practice. It's kinda funny because I've noticed that despite being fluent in English ( it's my second language, but I've studied it since I was a kid) sometimes I forget how to speak it properly. Sometimes I say things that don't make grammatical sense or I don't pronounce words correctly. Idk why this is happening. Maybe because I rarely speak with other people that aren't my parents. + + No one ever notices me. In school, it doesn't matter if I sit on the back or all the way on the front, no one ever talks to me and I don't talk to anyone. I haven't had a meaningful relationship of any kind with anyone in literal years. The last friend I ever had was when I was 12. I'm 23 now. I spent all high school sitting by myself behind a tree. Even now in college I'm by myself. I rarely leave my house. It's so fucking pathetic, but I just can't make friends. I don't relate to anyone. I don't feel comfortable around anyone. I feel like I'm acting whenever I interact with someone, like it's not real. I don't feel like a real person.",Personality disorder +51261,"Affronting the world (edit : I'm not native, I directly translated ""affronter"", but I guess ""face"" the world is more common to use) + +made me realize how little I know about anything. Once you start to avoid, it's a never ending cycle. You seek to forget the real wolrd, and once you try to avoid the avoidance, you understand how much you're behind, to the point where it seems impossible to catch up. + +I have dropped highschool a few years ago. Never studied more, got a diploma or worked. don't really have any friend, never had a partner. I get too anxious with anything social, even multiplayer games. In the past 6 years I have left my house like, twenty times. I'm driven by AvPD, and have very poor hygiene due to self-neglect and depression. I'm not skilled in anything, not particularly intelligent either, definitely not physically gifted, and absolutely hideous.\ +try to get a normal life with that background lol. I feel worthless, I have so much shame against myself, it sounds so hard. For the first time I want to find a way out and not rot in my room, for the first time I have ambitions. It's so hard. It's like living was not made for me, I think I was a mistake, not supposed to live this far -or at all-. + +I'll keep trying though. wish me luck",Personality disorder +51262,"AvPD getting worse over time? ive been noticing my symptoms increasing. its getting to the point i cant hold conversations with anyone but my wife without becoming suicidal. its been getting worse each week. is this normal? feburary is usually the hardest month of the year for me, so that might be a factor, but god is it going to continue like this forever?",Personality disorder +51263,"it's hard when loved ones don't understand avpd My mom basically tells me it's my fault I feel alone because I reject all of her offers to socialize (which, I'm not denying..it is my fault lol). When I tell her I want to make *new* connections with strangers she tells me that makes no sense and why don't I hang with family.. + +She doesn't get it when I say family scares me more than strangers. With strangers, there's much less at stake. They don't know shit about you, you don't know shit about them, and if something goes wrong you never have to speak to them again. It's one and done. + +She also didn't understand why I wanted to work retail (I don't anymore for different reasons now). She asked me how can I talk to strangers yet I'm too scared to talk to family. She doesn't understand that I just do better in work or education based settings.. + +You don't have to get into your personal life that much and once the day is over you go home and don't have to talk to them. There's not much expectations because they're your classmates/coworkers. You don't have to let them know too much about you + +My mom just doesn't get it and I hate talking to her about anything at all because she gives me over simplistic solutions and lowkey makes me feel bad for having these issues when she's part of the reason why I have it in the first place. As an adult, it's my responsibility to fix this but i know what my threshold is, I'm tired of her acting like she knows me better than I know myself (and she told me she knows me better than I know myself).",Personality disorder +51264,Friends? Does anyone look for a friend? Wanna be friends?,Personality disorder +51265,"Looks We found out that you don't like make/show selfies. + +How about your looks? Your clothes, haircut, do you have tattoos, piercing? Because it counts as self expression - something that AvPDs have problem with.",Personality disorder +51266,,Personality disorder +51267,"Volunteering Heya, first of all sorry for any ramblings or incorrect sentences, my brain is all fuzzy and I'm shaking sadly. + +I've just sent off an email for a volunteering work, it's a simple museum carer, I will take care of the gardens, the tourists and whatever needs available. +I needed to do this, to boost up my CV because I can't work (because sadly..AVPD and CPTSD) + +It's all flexible hours, I won't get into any trouble if I miss a few days or whatnot. + +But I am still. So. Fucking. Scared. + +This isn't anything, ""O new situation fear"" no I've been to the museum once or twice and know the people, I know the community. + +But I am so damn fucking scared of rejection. I am scared of the possible outcomes this will bring me. I am scared of the social aspects of it. +I keep getting these thoughts of, ""they'll think I'm a creep"" ""I'll probably never keep up with it because I am a pathetic good for nothing, lower to everyone else"". +It's hurting me. + +And I need advice on how to just keep going, what should I do once it starts? Fight through the thoughts and fears? + +It was already hard enough as it was to do the paper, now I'm crashing wondering ""What the fuck was I thinking!?"" + +But I'm trying to keep positive as much as I possibly can. This could be a mix of social anxiety and AVPD running it's course but I don't know, all I know is that I am scared and very fearful of the future, of people, of being seeing in public, of messing up big time. + +Any words of encouragement or advice will help a lot. Thank you.",Personality disorder +51268,,Personality disorder +51269,"[24 M] After years and years I go to psychologist and gym I suffer from a severe form of AvPD and after many years since I wanted this, last year with the help of my ex-girlfriend I succeeded to go to a psychologist and to the gym. It's was very difficult, but now I have 9 months when I am in therapy and 2 months when I go to gym. I know for normal people this a something normal, but for me was very difficult. + +Now I'm trying to get a driver license but I think will be very difficult because my sever anxiety :(",Personality disorder +51270,,Personality disorder +51271,Glad there's a Hallmark holiday to remind me of my perpetual loneliness :) Gotta try and stay away from social media as much as possible today otherwise I'm sure I'll run into something either personal or general to send the depression spiraling. Hope you all have a good day.,Personality disorder +51272,"Asking myself ""why do people like me so much?"" I have found myself asking this alot recently. Over the last couple weeks i've been invited out a bunch by friends, and friends of friends. I went to a few of them, but am still ultimately confused on being included in so many plans because i often feel like i'm not that interesting of a person. Not that i don't enjoy being included, i do, but at a certain point i felt overloaded. Just wondering if anyone else has this phenomenon, or if maybe i'm something else in addition to being AvPD. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/112d8xr)",Personality disorder +51273,"Went to school today to get a confirmation that I will be dropping out, principal scoffed at my situation. My teacher already told me that it's impossible for me to continue the next semester. I already know that, but she told me it needs to come from the principal itself for confirmation. So we went to him just for the confirmation. Now the principal went on and on about me coming to him begging for a second chance... Which i didn't. I just went there for a confirmation. I already know they're not gonna give me a second chance. I didn't come there to beg. + +He then went on about how I don't really have anxiety, because if I do have anxiety, I would have found a way, apparently he knows because he has anxiety too. The thing is, I DON'T HAVE ANXIETY. AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER IS DIFFERENT FROM ANXIETY. He then said I'm just making excuses and I just got lazy. + +I'm not asking them for second chances, I know right from the start they are not gonna accept me anymore, but I don't appreciate them making fun of my shitty mental health. That's the thing with this disorder, we literally avoid things to the point where it affects our whole life. + +He was acting like i went to his office crying and kneeling down begging to give me a second chance, he said ""I know why you came here, to ask for a second chance"", when I literally just sat in front on his desk and agreed that they can't give me another chance. I wouldn't have come if I knew he was gonna make fun of my disorder. I only came because my teacher said it needed to come from him for it to be final. Now everyone thinks I'm just making shit up. It also doesn't help that my country doesn't have a GED. + +I wonder what their faces would look like if I killed myself? Wouldn't it be funny? They make fun of my mental illness and then the next day they get the news that I killed myself?",Personality disorder +51274,"Have you ever guys ever wondered... [https://www.idrlabs.com/villain/test.php](https://www.idrlabs.com/villain/test.php) + +I'm curious how the other side of the coin looks in us.",Personality disorder +51275,"What should I do if I strongly suspect AvPD? I've struggled with mental/emotional problems pretty much all my life. Even as a young kid, I was very shy and anxious. That morphed into more severe problems as I became a teen/young adult. + +Now, at almost 30, I'm really frustrated because nothing gets better for me. Doctors keep trying to treat me for depression or anxiety or ADHD, which I do have problems with, but it seems like there are more fundamental, deeply set issues which go unaddressed. I've been interested in psychology since I was a teen, and there have been times where I've considered that I might have AvPD before forgetting about it, but recently I began researching this in earnest and pretty much every diagnostic criterion strongly fits me. It's kind of scary how well it describes me and how much the posts in this sub reflect my thoughts & experiences. + +Where should I go from here? How can I bring this up with my psych - or should I bring it up? Would getting a diagnosis be worth it?",Personality disorder +51276,"Splitting (?) in AvPD?? (18F) just a disclaimer, I haven’t been formally diagnosed yet but I relate to AvPD in so many ways that I can’t dive into right now. I relate way more to AvPD than social anxiety but of course idk for sure. + +But anyway, I was wondering if people with just AvPD experience something like splitting (that occurs in BPD) after feeling like someone’s rejected them or criticised them. + +For example, I was having a job interview and the people interviewing me seemed really nice and I really really liked them, but as the interview went on I felt like their body language and tone of voice showed they were criticising and judging me. After I felt that, it’s like a switch flicked and I hated them. Absolutely hated them. I was so mad internally and all I could think of was how mean they were (even tho they literally didn’t do anything). I was so angry and I just wanted to break down and cry because I also hated myself too for embarrassing myself and looking weird and ruining my chance to get hired. + +Anyway, I got the job and I love them again and can’t even imagine ever hating them. This sort of thing happens to me all the time with almost everyone in my life and it’s so confusing!!! Except I thought it was only a BPD thing, or could it be a mix of both or complex PTSD?? + +Does anyone else experience this often too? + +(Also I’m seeing a therapist and psychiatrist really soon and I’m not self diagnosing)",Personality disorder +51277,"Feeling like a creep in public/on public transport So I've had this for a long time, but only now have I sort of grasped why I feel like this. + +Whenever I'm outside, and especially in closed off public transport like the subway, I'll feel like a creep because I just stare and analyze everyone and everything. The reality is that, when I get anxious I get hyperaware of everything and everyone around me, and when I start starting at strangers, analyzing every bit of their appearance/clothing/posture/etc, I start feeling like a creep. Only recently have I realized that the being hyperaware is where the feeling of being a creep comes from, vs just organically. With me being less anxious lately, I'm more able to just stare off into the distance and distract myself with my thoughts, and then suddenly I don't feel so inadequate/weird anymore. + +I know I've thought about this before, and even said it to someone that when my anxiety takes over I literally can't think of anything but the present situation. I'll literally start brainstorming ideas to think about so I can distract myself from what's in my face that second. + +Just felt like typing this out and sharing, maybe someone can relate. + +Much love",Personality disorder +51278,"scared of my ability to hurt people/ make them hate me I manage to mess up over and over, always making people not like me very much. At least that's how it feels. I'm a very flawed person tbh, and not sure if I would have been this way if it wasn't for trauma/ mental illness but who knows. It just scares me that every time I open my mouth I risk saying something wrong and being hated. + +I don't know how to be 'correct', or say the right things and be liked. I'm just wrong, and have bad takes and am just stupid and don't know what I'm talking about and I should just shut up.",Personality disorder +51279,"What to tell my therapist? I have a therapy session today and it basically determines my entire future. I’m 19 and currently studying, and my school is basically just for people in therapy. I couldn’t imagine going to a normal school at this point. +My therapist pretty much told me she’d stop seeing me if I didn’t show any improvement, and I told her that my life would be over if that happened. +I wasn’t trying to be dramatic, it’s just true. Not only would I be kicked out, but I also wouldn’t have a school to go to as I can’t function in a regular school setting. +I know very well that I haven’t shown any improvement since the last time we spoke and idk what to tell her when she asks me about it. +I’ve considered lying but I’m pretty shit a it. She’s quite terrible but It’s so difficult to switch therapists here that Idk what to do.",Personality disorder +51280,"Grief porn... What's wrong with you people?? Not you guys, but everyone on the internet. + +What is wrong with people grieving publicly about things they have nothing to do with? Why are we encouraging and cheering on when someone posts in minute detail about how someone died? Why are they doing that in the first place?? It's YOUR loved one, what businesses does anyone else have with them?? + +And ten minutes ago, I found a picture on a subreddit someone posted of their ex boyfriend in the hospital... My heart wrenched. Why would you do that to them?? Wh... + +Is there something wrong with me?",Personality disorder +51281,Will stoicism help us? I wonder if that's the way we should be.,Personality disorder +51282,"My boyfriend broke up with me I'm diagnosed with AvPD and BPD, and my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. + +I'm 18 and up until about 6 months ago I was convinced I was completely unlovable. I didn't come from such a great home, and I was bullied for all of elementary school. All I've been told, for all my life, is that I am worthless, ugly, disgusting and just a horrible person. But then I met a guy that made me feel loved, like I deserved to be loved, for the first time in my life. + +We dated for 6 months, then he broke up with me, because I have a personality disorder. I never told him I'm diagnosed with AvPD and BPD, because even though he told me he would always love me, I was afraid that if he knew about my disorders he'd break up with me. Turns out I was right. Because I finally decided to tell him about a week ago, 2 days later he texted me and basically said that he wants to end this. He said he didn't want to be together with someone with borderline. I asked if I did something wrong, but he said he just didn't want the ""drama"". + +I know I didn't do anything wrong, I never did anything to hurt him. But just because I've been through shit he doesn't want to love me. The rational part of me knows he's being an asshole, but the BPD/AvPD part of me wants me to think that *I'm* the asshole. Was he right not to love me? Am I really that horrible? + +I don't know what to do. I feel completely worthless, no one will ever love me and I shouldn't ever leave my house again. I deserve this. I don't want to do this anymore.",Personality disorder +51283,"Does anyone know if AVPD would qualify for MAID in Canada when it opens to Mental Health conditions? In March Medical assistance in dying is opening up for people with conditions causing unbearable pain, physical or mental, they do not have to life threatening. + +[https://www.ontario.ca/page/medical-assistance-dying-and-end-life-decisions](https://www.ontario.ca/page/medical-assistance-dying-and-end-life-decisions) + +I've gone over this at least a hundred times, like tonight, even if I get approved they have a new 90 day minimum waiting period so it will be a while regardless. I have to time to think which leads to all fun ideas of Wiley coyote jumping off my balcony and hitting the concrete awning over the front entrance, 12 stories might kill ol' Wiley, maybe, or leave him in agonizing pain, wishing for death. Imagine holding that little sign up to the camera, but it's a little suicide note saying goodbye to no one. Haha + +But I'm pretty confident I'm going to get approved, I meet very criteria, I've tried all the required mental health options, counselling, therapy, community services, etc. I don't have any psychological supports, I am alone. That's more than half the reason I want to go, this condition, this brain, it makes it so I will always be alone. The loneliness, knowing you can never and never will escape, you'll avoid every chance you have. But the pain doesn't have to be forever, I don't have to keep suffering, and if I don't get approved jokes on them. I don't need approval to kill myself, I just know I'm going to fuck it up anyway. Ending up with my ankles snapped off, trying to crack my skull open on the concrete but too fucking weak to get the pressure. I couldn't do it if I tried, not because I don't want too. + +I want too, I want too so bad, that's why I'm applying for Maid, but I need to do it. But I will fail because I always fail. I'll avoid because i always avoid. I'll pity myself and feel bad and get fucked up and cry and hurt myself and tomorrow will happen and my credit card will get more maxed out and death will come knocking again saying TODAY IS THE DAY DO IT DO IT FUCKING DO IT PLEASE DO IT. Constantly. That's my brain, thousands of times a day screaming kill yourself. I love saying slit your wrists over and over again. Making tea, I should slip my fucking wrists, dum dum dum please slit your wrists. I don't even have a good knife, I just say it for some reason to myself. I'm way less scared of cutting that jumping, I am terrified of fucking that up. Damn Hamilton's and our slow trains lmao. That was the way I wanted to go when I was trying to do it as a teenager. The trains back home, damn they were fast, knock your fucking head off in one go. Instant. There were always Roses taped to the Red sign beside the opening. A lot of people had the same idea as me, so at least you know it works right! + +But you can always fuck it up, the fear that causes avoidance affects suicide too! I can't do it if I wanted to, just like everything else in life I want to do. So if I just need to get approved, get passed 90 days... ahh I'm fucked lmao. Where's the nearest train station haha",Personality disorder +51284,"am i forever going to be haunted by my ex-friend? **tw; rape, sexual assault** + +i'm 23 and an ex-friend of mine is 24. three years ago i cut off our friendship. it was the closest relationship i've ever had, and i've never felt more connected to a person since. i think about him everyday. + +3 years ago my sister, who we'll call S accused him of raping her. but she didn't even. i had to confront her about it. + +according to my ex-friend, who we'll call F, they got really really drunk one night, and ended up having sex. one week or so after it happened F told me first. he said that S thought it was his imagination until he saw S had blocked him on every social media and he wasn't sure what happened. he thinks maybe she's guilty because S had a boyfriend at the time. he tells me to ask her what happened. i say, ""maybe she thinks it was non-consensual, since you were both inebriated?"" he says, ""that's possible"" he tells me she was asleep, he was in bed with her drinking and getting high (she had invited him into bed with her-she told me she felt he was a little brother and could trust him). + +he was drinking all night as she slept. when she woke up, they were both black out drunk. he doesn't remember who kissed who first, but that she ""initiated grinding"" and that something happened after that... it makes me sick thinking about it. after that night, he tells me my mother messaged him saying, ""never step foot into this house again. but OP needs you as a friend. so let's just promise to keep this between us."" he wasn't sure what that meant but was afraid of the worst. + +context matters. S was 30 years old. F was 20. she's a decently heavy drinker (by no means an alcoholic, but she can hold her liquor). he's literally autistic. does it sound like an imbalance? + +maybe more context matters. the people who checked in on them noticed that he was decently lucid last time they were seen together, while she was asleep, high and drunk. passed out? blacked out? he claims he was in the process of getting drunk as she slept. + +even more context. my family has a shaky moral foundation. they lie to get money, to get their way. they've made me do it even if i didn't want to. they don't care about anyone else except the family. but they'll even mess with family if it comes to it. + +my sister and mom planned to keep it from me. like i said, my mom thought I needed F so much that she was willing to keep it a family secret. + +and i keep thinking... if F was a monster, if F had such shaky grounds, if F cared about power, he would have played along with it. + +i know that monster's don't rape. people rape. but people also look out for themselves when they know they've fucked up. people are selfish. F didn't seem selfish to me. a self-aware rapist would have kept his mouth shut, right? + +why didn't he accept my mother's conditions and kept the family secret? he told me my friendship with him was his greatest source of happiness. he would've done anything to preserve it. why didn't he? and my family knew this friend meant so much to me that they were willing to keep my sister's rape a secret for my sake? if F was a monster, he would have taken the deal? but monster's don't rape. people do. + +F told me everything. he agreed that I should talk to S and get her side of the story. because he wasn't sure if he had raped her either. he didn't know. or was his game to play dumb? + +S told me that she only remembers flashes. ""he raped me"" she said after i asked. she starts crying. she says she woke up with bruised wrists. she woke up sore. she didn't look like she was lying. i don't think she was lying. + +and for three years i've been haunted by the idea. what if *truly,* he didn't think he had raped her? not in the way idiot monstrous men believe that drunk women can consent. me and F took consent extremely seriously. + +but what if *truly* they were *both* extremely drunk, and they lost control of their *both* their bodies, and that nothing could have possibly made sense except for an ugly truth? + +if there *were* a reality, where my friend was truly too drunk to rape someone and too drunk to give consent himself, but somehow ended up having sex with someone equally too drunk to not give consent, then what would that reality look like? because everyday i wake up and think, that reality looks frighteningly close to this one.",Personality disorder +51285,"As a guy, I wish I was raised by my father instead of my mother. I just had to get this off my chest. + +It's not that my father is perfect. + +And, while my mother has improved, throughout childhood, I was subject to feminization, neuroticism, and hysteria by my mother and 2 sisters. + +It is only now that I realize this. + +Just venting, sorry.",Personality disorder +51286,"Do you guys wish you were rich(er)? If yes, what do you wish you had the money to do?",Personality disorder +51287,"Old Friendships Past Due Date? I'm pretty much completely alone. My family is mostly dead and the rest no contact. I'm f(42) divorced, no kids, and I just ended a three year post marriage relationship that was pretty toxic. + +I have two best friends since High School. We've known each other over 25 years and we used to be inseparable. (We all had family issues so we became our own family.) They both moved out of state at least 15 years ago so the majority of our friendship is on the phone and we maybe visit each other once or twice a year. + +My last relationship which lasted three years, really got in the way of our friendships. My boyfriend was so clingy I could never call my friends because he wouldn't leave me alone for a minute. (That's a whole other unhealthy issue I can't get into. Lol). But as an avoidant person it drove me crazy. Anytime I had the chance to be alone without my boyfriend the last thing I wanted to do was call my friends. I needed alone time. + +I did try to break up with him several times. He even moved out a few times but kept coming back. I finally broke up with him for good about six months ago. + +Anyway, I understand why they are reluctant to just go back to the way things were in our friendship. I don't blame them for being upset with me and I fully plan to try my best to make it up to them and I'm grateful that they are willing to talk to me at all but... I'm not sure I like them anymore. + +We've been friends for so long. I seriously don't have anyone else in my life and I am afraid I am just doing the avoidant thing and looking for reasons to write them out of my life. I've done that with everyone else in my life but these two always seemed special and I feel like we've known each other so long they are family and I want to always know them but they aren't really being good friends anymore. + +I know people grow apart and I admit that I am the one who stopped talking as much initially and like I said I was and am more than prepared to make up to them the fact that I haven't been around but honestly I wasn't around because I was in a toxic relationship and I told them that every time I did get a chance to talk to them. I talked about how I was stuck for financial reasons and covid and that I was losing my mind to never be alone and they didn't help me. They didn't encourage me to get out or give me advice they just got more and more distant and now that I am broken up they tell me this guy was bad for me but they wouldn't tell me that when we were together and that's what I needed to hear from them. Instead they just acted like they liked my bf and talked bad about both of us to each other. I hate to say but it almost feels like they were enjoying me being in a bad relationship. Maybe I'm just paranoid. + +They say they forgive me but they don't talk to me very much. One really doesn't call me or answer me and the other calls all the time but I'm not allowed to talk about my relationship at all. He has hung up on me twice for even mentioning it. I get that he doesn't like my ex but neither do I and I was in a toxic relationship for three years, I need to talk some of it through. I would never do that to them and god knows I have had to listen to some boring and/or stupid problems of theirs repeatedly over the years. Why can't they do that for me? + +I know people out grow each other. They have made new friends and I need to as well but it's hard for me because well, I have avpd. + +Ideally, I would like to keep them as friends and make new friends that understand more about the person I am now instead of the person I was in high school. But the part of me that pushes people away wants to push them out and I don't know what to do? + +Do they get to treat me bad because I wasn't as accessible to them for a while? I was never completely gone I just couldn't be there as much. Do they get points for being friends with me so long? Should I just over look it? + +Or am I right that they are being disrespectful by telling me what I can or can't talk about, hanging up on me if I mention something they don't like, talking to each other and excluding me even if they are talking about coming into town and staying with me even when they are not invited? I have to work and they are on vacation but please come stay at my house and expect me to drop everything to do what you want? (We never do what I want when they come to visit because I live here so I have to be on board to do everything they want to do.) + +I know it's a long story. There is a lot more to it too but am I blowing things out of proportion and prematurely ending my longest and only friendships ? Or has the time apart from them given me clarity to see who they really are which is bossy and disrespectful of me and I should just try and make new friends that don't judge me so harshly, like talking and listening to me, and actually live in my town? +TLDR: I have had a hard life and I want to stand up for myself. But it's leaving me completely alone. Am I cutting out my friends too quickly?",Personality disorder +51288,"Hikikomori condition Have any of you become hikikomori because of the condition of avoiding personality disorder? +I personally do and I'm tired of being a hikikomori",Personality disorder +51289,socializing in public has the same feeling of walking into an employee only area in stores I'm sure you've seen those doors with the warning signs that say it's not meant for customers at establishments. Socializing with avpd feels I'm walking into one of those employee only areas. That same sense of urgency knowing that I don't belong there and I need to get out before something bad happens..,Personality disorder +51290,"I wish they made a film centred around an avoidant character I’ve struggled to find any kind of media where the protagonist specifically struggles with avoidance. I really enjoyed Amelie and resonated a lot with the character, but feel that she could more easily be seen as struggling with ASD, or even just extreme shyness/ introversion. + +I don’t know about anyone else, but seeing characters I identify with in films or in novels brings me a lot of comfort. It kind of brings awareness to those traits and humanises people, and has the ability to shift the audience’s perspective on those issues. Maybe if we had more coverage in the mainstream we wouldn’t feel as defective or alien. + +I’d love seeing an avoidant main character and having people really understand how severe this disorder can be and how overlooked it is. It could be painful, and raw, showing how damaging isolation can be yet how there appears to be no alternative. But it could also have light moments, and laugh-out-loud moments, and show how people suffering with this disorder have light inside them despite everything. + +I also think it’s important that the character be shown to be relatively attractive, intelligent, good work ethic etc. I think a large part (and maybe the most tragic) of this PD is that we view ourselves as less than we are. Almost like we have conditioned ourselves to not value anything about us, even if that value is present. I think people should see how the issue is deep rooted, and it’s not as simple as improving things like wealth, appearance or even social skills. + +I’m curious what other people think would be important to include in a film centred on a character with AvPD + +Also, this song would definitely make an appearance imo + +https://youtu.be/wDLA5ZFQLbs",Personality disorder +51291,,Personality disorder +51292,"Do you read Books? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/1113eeq)",Personality disorder +51293,"things change I've been in an episode of complete isolation for about 3yrs but doing my best to claw myself out. With a therapist's encouragement I reached out to the person I love more than anything, who I've been in love with for years, and she, full of grace and compassion, accepted me back. But she is in a relationship now. I told myself that this was likely, and that I would be okay with it, but I don't think I am. I feel sick to my stomach and haven't stopped crying. How can I be a good friend when it's so painful to talk to her, when all the advice says that to get over unrequited love you should distance yourself when that's exactly what I'm trying NOT to do? I can't hurt her again by distancing myself without explaining why, but I can't tell her how I feel because that would be disrespectful of her relationship. I've completely ruined everything, I deserve the pain I'm feeling but I still can't cope with it. It sounds like it's new. If I'd been able to reach out even a few months earlier, I might have been able to tell her. Now I feel like I've lost my one and only chance to be happy. I'm so selfish and stupid. I don't know what to do. I hate myself so much.",Personality disorder +51294,,Personality disorder +51295,"everyone stares and judges you leaving the house is so difficult because no matter where i am i can feel like every single person is staring at me and making fun of me or judging me. when i walk outside i can feel the stares from everyone in their cars. when im on a bus i can feel the eyes of every single person on the bus. even when i just get out of my house i feel like the whole neighbourhood is staring at me. i know ive been experiencing this for a long time. definitely since i was a teenager, i grew my hair out so that it can cover a lot of my face because i felt like people were doing that. my first memory of having anxiety i was 6 and i was late to school and was too afraid to walk in the class because everyone would look at me. it took me 10 mins just to walk in and then because of that my teacher yelled at me in front of the class. i would feel sick before presentations in elementary school and didnt know why. any kind of attention on me scares the living shit out of me. i dont know if this is avpd or not but it causes me so much distress. it doesnt help that i didnt leave my house for many years and was agoraphobic.",Personality disorder +51296,"Valentines I don’t normally get sad around Valentines because I never really expected to have a relationship. But I guess because of getting some help from my therapist, my emotions around not dating etc. have been stirred up. +Sick of how normal it is for other people to date when it’s so hard for me. + +Anyways, just wanted to say- even if it’s a bad day for you: Happy (early) Valentine’s Day 💝💕💋",Personality disorder +51297,"how are some people able to not care so much? if they miss work, if they’re late to an event, if someone or other is upset with them, some people don’t let that shit get them down. but for me it turns into a self-hating spiral of why I can’t function. + +do you relate to holding onto and beating yourself up for small personal failures? + +while I’m here, I have one other question. I notice my emotions and my reaction to my emotions is extremely dependent on my immediate environment. that is to say, I don’t take discomfort well at all. I don’t cope with thoughts like “it will be over soon” “next time won’t be so bad” because I can’t get myself out of the suffering of the here and now. for my life, this makes working hard, which makes money hard, which lends itself to the spiral of worthlessness. + +I abuse dissociative drugs for this reason, it’s the only possible way to escape the reality of the present, which is often uncomfortable. the dxm actually not only pulls me away but allows me to see things objectively, and see the beauty and humor in life, how small I am and how big everything else is, things like that. + +I don’t mean to derail, I know it’s not a drug sub. but so, do you find your emotions to be a direct reaction of the environment around you, so much so that you can’t avoid them, and spend much of your life actively suffering like me? + +sorry if this post is stupid, and if you do.",Personality disorder +51298,"what is your daily screen time? *please pick whichever option is closest to your daily average per week.* + +let me know in the comments if i should change the structure of the poll (add a 0-1 hour option, having 12-14 hour, etc.) mine is literally like 13 hours half the time, but i’m going to go ahead & assume you all are better than me lol. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/110vfs7)",Personality disorder +51299,I slut shame. Edit: You've made your point.,Personality disorder +51300,,Personality disorder +51301,,Personality disorder +51302,"I can't tell if I'm jealous of other people I think I like my life when I am alone. I am happy to be by myself, do my work and my chores, and I have hobbies that bring me joy. But it feels as if it all comes crashing down and a heavy sense of depression and grief hangs over me as soon as I'm reminded that other people do ""fun"" things together. I don't want to join them because most of the time having fun with friends isn't actually fun for me, but the feeling persists and can go on for days. I know it's silly to feel resentful of these other people and it makes me resentful towards myself as well. I just want to make it stop. + +Ex: driving my sister, who is still in high school, to hang out with her friends or go on dates. I'm only a year older than her and afterwards suddenly my existence is in a different focus and I remember that objectively it is very dreary that the most exciting thing I have done in a month is watching my spinach sprouts grow.",Personality disorder +51303,"hi Hi, + +I'll start by saying I've been diagnosed with AvPD about 2 years ago, around the end of my military service, but it's something I've dealt with most of my teen life unknowingly and now as a 22 years old still. I'm seeing a therapist for the better part of 2 years now and it helps, mainly mentally, not physically yet as I'm not doing much, spending all my days at home, no friends no social life no nothing. I did get a job last week which I'm starting next week, 4 hours a day cleaning some school buildings 5 minutes from my house. + +But as the time goes I find myself daydreaming more and more about stuff I'd like to do like traveling the world and studying, I even got as far as signing up to university but ended up canceling it like 3 days before the semester started. Since then I'm daydreaming about traveling, going to south america or something.. + +Last week I said screw it and booked a ticket to Barcelona, for a trip with my mom and sister. I was very excited as I'm a big FC Barcelona fan for years, but as we all know, something has to go wrong. We're supposed to fly tomorrow and man this has been one of the worst days I had in the last couple of years. I feel like I just wanna disappear until Friday arrives when the trip is over. I feel like it's a task someone is commanding me to finish, and not something I ever wanted to do. It took me some time cause I usually keep to myself but shared it with my mom and sister, and now they're thinking whether they should cancel or go and they're waiting for my desicion. I also cried talking to my mom and told her many things that she didn't know like how I don't talk to my 2 friends anymore or how before I got this poor job, I was sending CV's and when people would call me I couldn't pick up the phone. I told her that I feel lonely even when I'm with them (my family), cause while they do make me feel good, they can't cover up for my non-existent social life. + +Seriously I feel like a mess, I roam around feeling down like I've never felt before I think. + +Just want to vent a little :)",Personality disorder +51304,"The Son (a movie) This movie is underrated. + +You need to watch it (at high speed if you like) in order to get what intergenerational psychological trauma does to people. + +https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Son_(2022_film) + +I know it has received poor ratings, but I think that's because most people don't get what it's about. + +It's available on the torrent sphere if you're interested in acquiring this movie in that fashion.",Personality disorder +51305,"Accountability Post I really want to go to church. So bad. + +I have good memories of singing songs that lifted my spirit, and developing friendships with people both humble and gracious. + +But every week, I don't go. This week, if I can make it to the parking lot, I am rewarding myself with doughnuts. I am sorry if this is annoying, but I am struggling so much to do something that is important to me and I have not gone in 3 years.",Personality disorder +51306,"Not afraid of rejections but about others mocking me for my feelings can anybody relate? I dont think i am afraid of the rejection but about two other things: First one is that other guys could mock me for my feelings and use this against me. +And second is that if she does get to know me better she might loose interest as i am just not really good at this dating thing. + +Can you relate to that?",Personality disorder +51307,This is AVPD contained in a song Stumbled over this and thought it would resonate lol,Personality disorder +51308,,Personality disorder +51309,,Personality disorder +51310,"Want to resign from my job Hey all, I’m really struggling at the moment and all I can think about is resigning from my role. I’m a social worker who provides therapy to children/adolescents with complex mental health difficulties. + +I’ve been working at the organisation for 11 months now and roughly a week ago I changed my workplace location to be closer to home. It’s the same service just a different location. Oh .. and I’m acting in a senior position at the new workplace as part of a six month secondment. + +I thought that starting fresh would make me feel more motivated and confident, however, I’m still feeling like an imposter, scared and worried about criticism. Extremely terrified of social interactions too. Just knowing I have to see clients and speak to them gives me major anxiety. I’m also on antidepressants and beta blockers which help a bit but I still dread the work that I have to do. + +All I keep thinking about is waking up in the morning, switching off my mobile phone and driving far away to a relaxing environment like a beach, pretending I have no responsibilities or cares in the world. I know that’s not possible though. + +If I did resign I would make sure never to find a therapy role again as it’s not something I’m too keen on and social interactions terrify me. Should I keep trying to work in spite of the anxiety I experience? I think I’ve given it a fair shot and I can’t take it anymore! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. thanks!",Personality disorder +51311,"Anyone else sensitive to tone of voice I swear I’d be having a good day but if I ever feel like someone’s tone of voice is even slightly harsh it ruins the vibe for the whole day. This could be anybody random like the front desk or customer representative. They don’t necessarily say anything mean but their voice is choppy in response to my effort of trying to be animated and kind🥲 I know it’s not a big deal AT ALL and it might just be in my head; nothing personal. But my brain is just mean I guess. I subconsciously take everything personally and it’s really starting to harm me 😔 well, at least I recognized this pattern. I wish I could be as cold and distant as I appear on the outside. I envy people who are very level headed",Personality disorder +51312,What is your top 3 songs alltime? My 3 are Hammock Sinking inside yourself(saved my life)😊 Hammock procession/Love in the void&Hammock Dissonance❤️,Personality disorder +51313,"Felt extremely pathetic earlier asking for my husband's help in learning how to play games Every time I play a skill based game with my husband, he kicks my ass. Growing up having my parents always telling me I'm intelligent and making a big deal of it, always getting good grades and whatever my ego takes such a huge hit when I lose again and again and again. I feel so stupid. + +I ended up asking him if he would walk me through his moves while we play chess so I can have clear examples of how to apply different strategies. It was maybe the most ashamed/pathetic I have ever felt. + +I feel a bit better now, but fuck I just want to be able to have fun with him. He's the only reason I want to try getting better.",Personality disorder +51314,,Personality disorder +51315,"Entitled People I had a guy cut in front of me and another woman at the self checkout line today. It made me feel ashamed- as if I seemed weak or pathetic or maybe just a woman- and that’s why he felt entitled to just do that as if he was sure I wouldn’t say anything. And I didn’t because I guess I didn’t feel angry enough to care. Anyone else experience shit like this? Wondering if you’re sending “I’m a doormat” vibes. Because in reality I avoid relationships because I’m strong enough to know I’d never want to be walked all over but too guilty to get into relationships that are really about my desires and boundaries. If that makes sense. +I avoid because I know I’m too scared to own who I am but I’m unwilling to be with other people and be co-dependent. So I’m alone. Stuck needing to figure out having the strength to let myself find the people that genuinely meet my needs. + + +The funny thing about this though is that when my time came to checkout i still got out of the self checkout faster than him even though we had the same amount of stuff",Personality disorder +51316,"What helps you get better? Yesterday i saw a post that a person asked if anyone here had improve on AvPD and asked for tips. Almost nobody answered, so i'll try again, because i really want to know any way to improve. Any tip/advice is valid: medicine, meditation, books, mindsets etc. :) +For me, what helped a lot was exercise (calistenics and running), remove toxic people out of my life, don't sleep too late, caffeine a lil bit, take care of my appareance, medicine and exposure.",Personality disorder +51317,"How do you feel about becoming a parent while having AvPD? I'm going through a horrible situation with my reproductive health. Until the point of having to get treatment for conceiving and all ,as my tests are showing I don't have much time left for postponing getting pregnant. The thing is that at 25 my recently diagnosed avpd has destroyed me. Even though, I have a career ,I'm financially stable and got to organize my life a bit. I don't have quality of life. I'm so anxious I can't even function worried about what the neighbors around my apartment might think of me. I still leave the house for going to work but sometimes I'm so freaking exhausted I cannot take care of myself. And I can't stop but wonder if becoming a parent would be a good idea for me or if it will be better to forget about it as I seem to be a person who doesn't fit into the scheme of a good parent. + +I used to dreamed about having babies back when i was younger but now i think that would be the most egotistical decision i could ever take,specially for a child that didn't ask to be born or have a trashy parent like me who cannot even go to the supermarket alone.",Personality disorder +51318,"anyone else intensely connected to music and books? in general exceptionally good with words, audio comprehension, vocabulary, reading comprehension, writing, lyrics? also, anyone experience intense synesthesia with music? + +if so, what are your favorite artists? I have many",Personality disorder +51319,,Personality disorder +51320,"Podcasts for avoidant people? I'm trying to find podcasts for people who are late 20s or 30s and haven't really had much experience (work, career, dating, etc.) I keep trying podcasts and not relating because these people are confident and have done so much in their 20s and even their teens and are really confident...",Personality disorder +51321,,Personality disorder +51322,"Social Group in Pune Is there any group in pune, India for avpd and social anxiety sufferers Like us, where we can all come together and discuss our problems? If not why don't we make it..",Personality disorder +51323,"Do you comment on YouTube videos generally? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10zyqye)",Personality disorder +51324,"I think I suffer form this. I’ve been on depression and anxiety meds but nothing has helped me stop being so afraid to be judged, rejected, overly sensitive. I self isolate and only go outside for shopping, to get a quick bite to eat. I made improvements in talking to employees of restaurants or at grocery stores, but I still have a fear of interacting with others and I’m always thinking about the chance of being judged and so keep to myself. My psychiatrist did recommend me to get some therapy. I just wanted to put this out there and see if it might be a possibility of me having this. Not asking for any diagnosis though.",Personality disorder +51325,,Personality disorder +51326,"How old is everyone here? Just out of curiosity, I wonder what age groups are most prominent on this sub. 0-19, 20-29, 30-39, 40-49, 50 and up. + +I can’t help but wonder if this age of technology caused this disorder to become so prominent. People seem to have lost the ability or have never learned how to socialize with our faces buried into a phone, computer, game, etc. + +Nobody communicates in person like in the past when people were forced to. If there was a function you had to show up to find out who was there. + +Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m curious. It just feels like technology has sadly created a world of introverts or has contributed to it. Anyone agree? 🧡",Personality disorder +51327,"How did you get a therapist and/or an official diagnosis? I've decided to finally take action and try and get some kind of diagnosis so I'm not just relying on my internal monologue or the internet to deal with this thing. + +I tried therapy once in the past with a therapist who came highly recommended and it just didn't go great. After one too many ""what's the worst that could actually happen?"" questions, I just really felt like they didn't understand. This was before I had the term AVPD to explain. + +My question is this: How did you go about working with someone who actually understands the problem? + +My guess is I'm being a bit too in-my-head about this, but I just don't want to show up to a therapist like a hypochondriac who plugged their symptoms into WebMD and now is 100% sure of their condition. But I also get the impression AVPD isn't as common as some other personality disorders, so I want to find someone who will at least have familiarity with it. But nothing shows up when I search for therapists who specialize in it directly. Are there other umbrella terms that help when finding a therapist? Should I just focus on a depression/anxiety doc or maybe one who works with other PDs like BPD? Or am I way off base and plenty of therapists will understand and just had a bad match for my first go-around? + +Any suggestions or anecdotes for finding the right kind of help are welcome. Thanks in advance!",Personality disorder +51328,"I honestly feel like I'm undeserving of socialization unless I'm at my absolute best/""perfect"", so I end up only even trying when I feel like I meet the ""criteria"" Have never been able to figure out if this is from my avpd or something else. It causes so much problems for me, especially for romantic relationships where I feel completely unworthy of love or affection if I don't meet the criteria I have in my mind + +Everytime I go out and socialize without meeting the criteria in my mind I end up thinking that people probably feel disgusted by having me around",Personality disorder +51329,"sometimes I feel like avpd is my entire identity I have to find a way to overcome this, because it's not working. I feel like my identity in this world is shy, introverted, loner. When I try to break the mold of both what I and other people view me as, I lowkey have an identity crisis. + +I think this is why I keep sabotaging my efforts to change, because I feel like avpd and being a sad sack of trauma is my identity and my place in this world.",Personality disorder +51330,"Rising anxiety I don't know why I'm writing this, Im just feel so anxious rn. I'm worrying about everything. I don't think any of this ends well for me. It's not getting better, it's just getting worse everyday. During the day I'm ok, but at night when I'm alone and have no distractions I feel scared and anxious. I realize I'm alone and I'll most likely always be alone. I can't be around people when I'm like this, I self isolate even harder when I'm hurting. There's a really bad feeling in my stomach rn, I feel so strange. I think there's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough in anything. I'm legitimately the worst human being to exist. Why tf am I still here, none of this ends well. I'm just so tired n even when I sleep I wake up tired. I wanna escape this, but I don't know how. I can't do this. I'm not worthy of existing. Fuckin hell I think about dying most days, but I don't want to. I really wanna live a happy life with people in it. But there's so much I can't control. My brain is always trying to fuck me over. It's life on impossible mode. Srry for the rant, I just don't know where else to dump all this.",Personality disorder +51331,"Hatred, jealousy and hesitation. (Confession) + +This is just something I want to get off my chest. I can't stand it. Well, I couldn't stand it in middle school, it's been 10 years since, but I'm starting to have the words for it. + +The 3 things that I wish I could just snap my fingers and get rid of. + +Jealousy: I am jealous of many people. Impersonally. I'm jealous of people who do things that make them cute, who do things that everyone enjoys and wish they could do for money, I'm jealous of people who speak naturally without any sort of impediment, especially those who entertain for a living, I'm jealous of people who are pretty. + +Hatred: Goes hand in hand with jealousy a lot of the time. I also hate pretty much everyone I'm jealous of and I want to wipe them out. I want to take everything they have. No, not just a single one, but all of them. Because all that's theirs is mine. I want everyone who doesn't fall to my wrath to be scared of me. To pray for my mercy. To spend every waking hour thanking me for letting them live. And that I can take everything they have with the snap of my fingers. + +Hesitation: I don't even know where to start. The world has told me everything has to be done in a way I don't know how to achieve.",Personality disorder +51332,"What do you guys think is the best motivator? Fear is one. It's, in my opinion, the worst motivator. It's like cocaine. Or alcohol. + +Love is another. Pride. Is hope one? + +What do you guys think is the best emotion to nurture and guide yourself by in the **very** long term?",Personality disorder +51333,"I think my social phobia is causing my job hunt procrastination I've been made redundant from my last 3 jobs, the last one being extremely traumatic. I've had many extremely close friendships end. I was abused and bullied my entire childhood by peers and family. Now, I can barely look people in the eye and can't say hello or respond to small talk in work environments because it induces so much anxiety about being hated and misunderstood. I avoid texting/responding to messages because people used to say I was annoying and replied too much. If we're looking at the evidence, everything points to me being a fundamentally unlikeable and hated person. I used to be fantastic at short bursts of social interactions, but smoked cannabis non stop to be able to do so. People liked my stoned/drunk persona more than sober me, and now that I'm sober I feel utterly terrified of interacting with anyone. I can't even answer the door for food deliveries. + +I need a job to be able to afford medical treatment, but I always get stuck at the cover letter aspect because I feel like as soon as people get to know me, they start to hate me. Most of my work experience has been in customer service or sales based roles, but I hated every role I've ever done. I dedicated my academic years to studying medicine and law but had to drop out of uni to heal some trauma and I haven't returned since. + +I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and stuck and my rejection sensitivity is through the roof. I'm so ashamed of my failures and obvious shortcomings that it feels impossible to try to sell myself to a job.",Personality disorder +51334,Jealousy Do anyone else have trouble feeling happy for other ppl? Like I feel jealous usually but it don't feel good being unhappy all the time. I guess I shouldn't blame my self for this tho(I hope) bc there shouldn't be anything wrong with feeling but idk.,Personality disorder +51335,,Personality disorder +51336,,Personality disorder +51337,"therapy with avpd — does it even work? i’ve been in and out of therapy since i was 13. that’s half my life. i’ve seen psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counsellors; i’ve been through CBT, DBT, goal focused therapy, grief therapy. i’ve been on so many medications. i’ve never been (allowed myself to become) unstable enough to be hospitalized, and i’ve been able to be the bare minimum functional and composed enough to fly under the radar of more intense interventions. + +when it comes to therapy i have a severe problem with trusting my therapists, failing to disclose what i really need help with, struggling to express my true thoughts, worrying excessively about judgement and criticism, and leaving therapy after the initial hope of “this one will be what helps” dies out (likely because of aforementioned problems). in march 2020 i was diagnosed with bpd but for reasons (it was march 2020) i never got it addressed, but now that i have insurance that covers most of the cost of sessions, i want to try again. i’m paying some out of my own pocket too and i don’t know if it’s even worth it due to my history with therapy — i sent in a general inquiry to a private office close to me and they referred me to a male therapist, which terrifies me as i’ve only had female therapists before, and who uses a different approach (psychodynamic therapy), which is again — fucking terrifying. + +i want to ghost and just not do this so badly and i’m just fighting against myself, arranging two (2) emails is exhausting and fucking nerve-wracking, and i don’t even know if this is going to go anywhere. i don’t even know if im asking for advice or just venting, but thanks for reading anyway",Personality disorder +51338,"DAE feel like a monster, constantly I feel like part of the reason I go out of my way not to make friends or date is because I have to protect them from myself. +Like, I put myself in their shoes and think “I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like me”, so I feel like I’m keeping them from being annoyed at best, or abused at worst. +I know, logically, that I’m not abusive. But I can’t shake this image of myself as an abusive monster. +This week I hurt someone’s feelings via miscommunication and it felt like, wow, I actually am evil and I’m validated in closing myself off to everyone. +It is so frustrating. I want to not be this way so badly.",Personality disorder +51339,"In the past, people have commented on how I make them feel like they can open up to me and that I am ""natural"". What I find bizarre is that I never seem to easily recall all the positive feedback I've received. + +Instead, I focus on the negative feedback that occurred way before then. + +As someone pointed out, this is a glaring example of AvPD. + +Many of us never felt emotionally secure as children, which led to our insecure attachment styles and avoidant personalities. + +I'm trying to take radical responsibility in order to address all of my issues now, though.",Personality disorder +51340,Those that smoke or vape. Does it help/hurt? Cigarette smoke I find gross but some of these new vape things smell quite nice and fruity and I'm somewhat intrigued about it. Just wondering if anyone does it and whether it's helped or hurt their ability to cope with this curse.,Personality disorder +51341,"Can't get over anything so the memories just build up Everything something bad happens, or I embarrass myself, or make someone mad, etc. I'm not able to get over it, so there are just more and more memories that give me cringe attacks. + +If anyone has any tips on how to deal with these cringe attacks, do let me know",Personality disorder +51342,"Can't even show up for my own life and do the activities I wanna do. Honestly don't know where to go from here. Existence is completely wasted on me. I have group-oriented activities I want to join, yet I just can't do it...I can't even risk social rejection or ridicule. + +I'm currently in Thailand on a six-week trip with my partner and child. While that sentence doesn't exactly sound like it puts me in the category of avoidant personality disorder, I am one of the most avoidant people on Earth. + +I spent three years at university and only ever talked to about four people, none of whom I developed friendships with. I've spent my entire adult life working remotely alone at home so that I can avoid any work environment that requires socializing. Even my relationship is pretty low-quality; we don't exactly sit down and have lengthy interesting conversations every day. + +But perhaps even worse still, there are various group-oriented activities I'd love to try that would bring value to my life, and I can't at all bring myself to do them. One example is muay Thai. I signed up for a class yesterday, arrived at the gym, and turned back at the entrance. This has happened several times. And it's a consistent theme in my adult life, whether the activity is a martial art, soccer, or a hiking meetup. + +Basically, I can't show up for my own life and do the activities that I value. I'm not really living and never really have. I'm now 32 years old FFS, close to middle-aged. I'm almost certain I'll be dead before 35...what a waste of a human I am.",Personality disorder +51343,,Personality disorder +51344,"On a scale from 1 to 100, how addicted are you to your phone and/or computer? edit: Wow. So apparently screen addiction is tied in closely. + +85/100. + +I've been addicted to any screen I could get my hands on since I was about five. + +In middle school and until right now... So, for about 12 years, I've felt like it gives me comfort and keeps me flowing. It never really mattered to me how complex or primitive the device was, I was glued to it. + +Now, I'm starting to hate it. I don't want it to feel comfortable anymore.",Personality disorder +51345,"Just a question. Hello, I wonder. How many people on this subreddit are diagnosed with avpd. In my case it started with social anxiety 20 years ago. Tried a lot of things, nothing helped me so I gave up. I was on healthcare all that time. I still am. +My untreated social anxiety evolved in all these years into avpd. Just a question.. Cause when I hear my friends say.. I have anxiety also.. But they're having a normal life. It's tiring hearing and reading such things. It feels like no one understands what it really is... having avpd. +For me it started long time ago after having meningitis. Now, after 20 years looking for answers this is upsetting to hear. My doc never told anything about it. He was my doc since I was a kid. This makes me mad. He ignored all these things. He knew everything about me but never made the connection with meningitis. My mental state when I left the hospitral, the trauma...he ignored it all. I'm hearing this fromy parents know. How traumatized I was. My doc blamed me when I was using things trying to handle my anxiety and depression. Judging me for everything. I'm discovering this all now, 30 years later. It's a shame. He's total ignorent. Not my doc anymore but i wanted to send a e mail to him.. Wanting answers...cause discovering this now is making me mad at my doc that knew me for 30 years. No one ever made the connection with meningitis. It wasn't written in any report. When I was reading story's of other people..I felt guilt. Thinking... But my youth was good... I'm just a crybaby.. Wanting attention. Finally 30 years later i'm getting answers. Way to late. If i have knew this decades ago.. My psychiatrists, therapist.. My life would be maybe different now. My new doc and psychiatrist are saying this...why didnt anyone knew about this. They don't understand. Maybe times have changed. But it makes me made inside.",Personality disorder +51346,"Having no romantic relationships or prospects for one is eating away at me I am 24M and have never experienced anything of the romantic kind, not even crushes. I lost my teenage years due to isolation which is usually when people get introduced to this stuff. I've never even had female friends except some cousins. + +I live in a culture where arranged marriages are the norm. I'm nearing the age when talk about marriage becomes more serious, especially for women. But I don't see myself ever getting married. I'll probably KMS before 30. + +It feels like I will miss out on this part of the human experience because I'm so insecure around women. I saw a post that summarised how I feel perfectly: + +>I have trouble talking to women, in fact I can't even make eye contact with them, especially if I find them even a little attractive. I'm scared they'll think I like them and then they'll hate that someone as disgusting as me could like them. + +I know that going into a relationship won't fix me but it's so gut wrenching knowing that you don't have the skills or prospects that can make it possible. It's stopping me from even trying to make friends with women, IF they think I like them they'll probably be disgusted by me. (Even though I'm scared to even let myself think that I might like someone) + +I know that I should try to make friends with women first, but I'm afraid they might label me a creep sensing my inexperience with talking to women (let alone having female friends or a relationship). It's like I carry this secret with me like a badge of shame and I automatically defer any action about this to prevent myself from the humiliation that will result from it. + +Is there anyone out here who knows what this is like?",Personality disorder +51347,"no wonder i over monitor myself What's with people calling you out and putting your mannerisms on the spot? People I know make comments on my body movements or how I talk and it pisses me off + +""You eat so little, like a cat"", ""why do you take such small bites?"", ""how you hold your phone looks funny"", ""why do you shake your legs?"", ""Why do you talk like that?"", ""Why do you laugh like that?"". Or imitating how I walk, talk, or move to be ""funny"". I don't get how it's funny + +It makes me insecure about every little thing I do. I noticed how they don't do this to other people that often, it's mostly me. I sometimes end up being really stiff and monotone because I feel like I'm going to be called out for EVERY little thing I do",Personality disorder +51348,"mortified I made a mistake on an incident report for a client I work with and instead of a supervisor bringing it up with me in person she brought it up in a virtual clinic wide meeting in front of 50+ people. + +I had to turn off my camera so I could cry. I hate myself for not being good at any kind of work. For working a job that makes no money so I am stuck at my parents house. I hate myself.",Personality disorder +51349,"Does anyone else hate/has anyone else hated school? Not the social part, that's an easy one, but the school part. + +Personally, I think nothing good came out of it, only harm. The only good things were deviations from standard school practice. + +I don't want to imply that you have to feel a certain way about it, so I'll just let you guys tell me how you felt about it. Some points of focus: clasroom seating, standardized testing and grading, a universal format for all homework and assignments, disciplining, things that are forbidden in school, etc.",Personality disorder +51350,,Personality disorder +51351,Hope u have a great weekend😊Left a link to a treat enjoy❤️ https://youtu.be/6Wk7XDrsWyY,Personality disorder +51352,"This is how I took care of my AVPD As someone who has high-functioning anxiety and AVPD, I really found it hard to develop relationships and take them to the next level. I never had problems talking to strangers, and I was just able to easily go about my day unless I am met with familiar faces. I still study at a university and I've tried to invest more effort in socialising, but to no surprise I wasn't making any progress despite exerting more of my resources for 6 months straight. + +I thought I was at a dead end. So I just gave up. I turned into this half-dead human who didn't give a fuck about anyone anymore. It felt good for a few weeks, but all throughout those days I had this lingering feeling that whatever the hell I was doing was wrong. My rebellious phase eventually ended, but I was still tired of trying to socialise. + +Ladies and gentlemen, if I asked you what your next step here is, what would it be? + +You see, us AVPD folks are subconsciously feeling guilty and ashamed of ourselves because we *assume* and *feel* like we are not enough for the people we want to build relationships with. Take my advice and: + +***Let us be and feel human for a change. Everyone is imperfect, so don't put up a face or please people, because you are enough.*** + +Humbling myself was the first thing I did. As I was burnt-out from even trying to socialise, I stayed put, and just became me for a change, I committed whenever I felt like it. There is no secret code, no secret formula, no secret anything to socialising; you just experience the moment and live life at the present. Take good example from your childhood brain, where times where simpler because we still had no idea of the norms and society's symbols. **If you humble yourself, and accept, and approach every situation with humility and nonchalance, you will find peace**, this is the power of kindness, this is where the healing process of ""loving"" and ""respecting"" yourself begins. + +Going back to my story, for the first time ever in 7 years, I felt peace. Peace with everything. I don't want to forcefully strive myself to socialise with my peers because that is fake shit. Be of no responsibility. Do take note that I've seen big improvements in building relationships! Of course I was committing from time to time, whenever I felt like it. + +So ladies and gents, don't try to divert the river of life, because the water will deliver you to where you need to go. + +Feel free to DM me if you want more about how I remedied my AVPD. Peace!",Personality disorder +51353,"Does anyone else feel this constant feeling of guilt and shame? Sometimes for no apparent reason, I just feel constantly guilty and ashamed of myself, idek why it’s just a constant feeling in my chest",Personality disorder +51354,,Personality disorder +51355,"the irony of it all I recently got diagnosed with AvPD (after probably struggling with it for 8 years), I thought downloading reddit would give me some kind of comfort as there are communities on certain topics on here that are easily accessible, but as I’m reading through posts, I have zero desire to comment on anything or make any connection at all and exited the app with the thought of probably never replying to anything, which is the irony of it all. But I do wanna let you know of my existence, I will probably not ask questions or share details of my disorder, but I still exist and I still have a voice and fingers to type. I’m real even if it sometimes doesn’t feel that way. Thanks for reading..",Personality disorder +51356,"Do avpd make you deny or suppress parts of yourself? also, can you mention what parts it suppresses? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10ys758)",Personality disorder +51357,Imaginary Friends? Does anybody else create fantasy scenarios in their head in which you’re socially active/well-liked? I have daydreams near-constantly about doing stuff with friends that don’t exist. One of my weird coping mechanisms.,Personality disorder +51358,"What is one thing you dislike about having AvPD? For me, I hate being misconceived. To others I probably come off as dry, absent, air headed idk. Giving 'npc' energy. But I know I'm alot more than that but I just can't show it :(",Personality disorder +51359,"Anxiety tip Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people's embarrassing moments. You can't, can you? The same applies to other people.",Personality disorder +51360,"I'm trying to lead the forefront on treatment of NPD I have no college degree, a grandiose attitude, and a pocket of sunshine up my ass. + +Ask me anything, I'll see if I can help you too. 😁",Personality disorder +51361,"I’m afraid of what others think of me when socializing, but I’m just as scared of how I’ll judge myself Now that I think about it, probably even more. Social anxiety’s a bitch but what really gets to me is how I’ll tear myself apart afterwards. I can’t let myself forgive or forget even the slightest fuck ups. Every stutter, wrong word choice, thinking I said something mean or dumb, etc. It doesn’t matter if I did perfectly fine, I’ll find something to criticize. I tell myself I’m an idiot, that I’m inferior, that whoever I was talking to would be better off if I said nothing, or if I wasn’t alive. + +I know that these are normal things, that people don’t remember and (usually) don’t judge but I can’t get it through my fucking head. I’ve spent my entire life being mean to myself, my inner critic is ruthless. Anyone else feel this way? Self compassion is completely foreign to me🥲",Personality disorder +51362,Does anyone else struggle with internet addiction? Have you found anything to help with it Because of my avoidance and social anxiety I’ve used the internet more and more to scroll instagram and reddit and just waste time. It’s like being social without any of the stress of socializing. But it’s not good for my mental health long term and worsens my ocd. Anyone found any tricks or tips to get off of it. It sucks cause socializing irl is obviously the best solution but that’s not that easy with avoidance and anxiety,Personality disorder +51363,"Dae have a job where they are around a lot of people? My job is at a very fast paced restaurant with a large amount of staff. I work hard because of the pain of being clearly the only one who hasn’t formed any friendships. I think my coworkers are great people and there are so many but I can’t hold a conversation with anyone. It’s even worse if I liked them when I first met them. There are specific shifts I want more of because I like the work better but in those situations I feel bad for whoever has to work around my quiet self. And When I speak I sound confident but I can’t have conversations per se. People thought I was normal for maybe a few weeks and then gave up. +Im not being mistreated, but it’s lonely. I’m 28 and age 27 was the last year I was able to form relationships. I have a bf now but I know that when he leaves me eventually I’ll never be able to start anything over. Feels bad man",Personality disorder +51364,"People don't take this disorder seriously enough. They're acting like we're just doing this to be lazy. It's not our fault our brains are like this. My birth giver is nagging and cussing me out for not going to school, I understand that this could be frustrating for a parent, but I already told her about my problem with going to school, I risked that knowing that she's narcissistic and judgemental, but even after all the explanations, she still thinks going to school for me is easy. She then goes on to say ""kids these days are so onion skinned"" (which means someone who has shallow tears) and then goes on and say ""I didn't spoil you kids"". + +Didn't it ever occur to her that maybe I'm like this because she abused us as children? That she screams at us every chance she gets? That she didn't treat us with respect and neglected us? + +It's not just ""kids these days"", people have been battling with mental health for hundreds of years, it's just ""popular"" now because people actually value mental health now and are seeking for help. + +It's so funny because she acts so caring and worried when talking to my teacher, but then acts so judgemental and close minded when talking to me.",Personality disorder +51365,"Have people always been experts in giving advice? Is this something new to our generation (gen z)? Or milennials? Or has it always been a thing? + +Why does everyone feel like they are experts in what everyone else should do? Especially when something bad happens. And most of the time, it's something vague or obvious. + +""Break the cycle"" ""You know better than this"" ""Just be grateful for what you have"" ""Live in the present"" ""Use the resources you've been given"" ""Make something of yourself, anything, but don't let your life go to waste"". + +And every single time, they're very fucking happy with themselves. NOTHING MORE TO SAY HERE. \*Wipes hands\* + +It's the worst part when it comes from someone you consider a friend. Personally, I'd expect friends to know how shit the world is and not give arrogant, vague and/or obvious advice. Why does EVERYONE do this nowadays? + +Why is it so hard for you to just shut up and listen to what someone has to say? No one does that. Ever.",Personality disorder +51366,"Acceptance This is a difficult topic to discuss but I'm genuinely curious as to if/how others have done this and what impact it has had on their lives. + +The kind of acceptance I'm talking about isn't just an intellectual acknowledgement of having issues. For a long time, for example, I could say to myself that I'm depressed, anxious, and struggling to succeed in life, at least by metrics of the culture that I reside in. That's relatively easy to do. + +What I'm speaking of is a shift in perspective where you allow yourself to be disabled and accept living life very differently than what is expected. In doing so, you effectively turn off the mechanism that activates masking, which exposes vulnerabilities, and just say ""F it, I'll deal with the consequences"". + +This means that: + +1) You accept that you'll be targeted by others, misunderstood, and often viewed as low status, because generally people aren't very understanding of problems that aren't obvious, like a physical disability. +2) You accept that you're not likely to be appealing/attractive to potential or existing romantic interests. This is particularly salient to men, who are selected for traits that showcase an ability to provide. +3) You accept that you'll need emotional, financial and/or vocational assistance for the remainder of your adult years. As such, you must let go of a desire for a fully independent lifestyle. +4) You accept that, in all likelihood, what you have to say won't hold much value to others outside of a supportive setting. Maybe you didn't have much to say anyways. +5) You accept a humility of attitude and position. You are no longer competing with others in the rat race, at least not directly, and have no need to get ahead.. and.. +6) You accept that you weren't motivated to do so to begin with. Moving mountains around just isn't your thing. + +An image comes to mind of a disheveled man holding a sign on the street corner. I imagine there's no pride left to speak of in someone like that. Just acceptance that the world isn't meant for some kinds of people. + +I know this sounds depressing but this is where I'm at in considering how to proceed with my life. It feels as though I'm flailing around, grabbing at the air helplessly, in some futile effort to grasp on to an ideal of something I'm not.. a normal, self-sufficient person. + +Just to be clear, I don't want to be homeless. I'd hope to do just enough to avoid that. But what this level of acceptance implies is a sense of freedom to be myself, as I am in the present moment, without fighting it. + +The idea here is to do something radically different to change my outlook and ease the stress that I'm experiencing. I would guess others here can relate to that stress, which is the definition of AvPD. + +So, has anyone taken this journey and would be willing to share some wisdom? Is this kind of acceptance a good idea? + +Or does anyone want to share their thoughts, generally? + +*It's important to add that this isn't a great idea for young folks. This is something you would consider later on, after having tried and tried again.",Personality disorder +51367,"I'm literally too awkward for therapy I'm doing CBT and my therapist always asks me what I'm thinking and all I can say is ""I don't know"" because my mind always goes blank. I can't articulate my emotions either and don't even know what I want in life. + +Today we did an exercise where I was supposed to have a ""conversation"" between my ""critical voice"" and my ""confident voice"". I told her I'm extremely uncomfortable doing it and she said it's fine we don't have to but I wanted to try it anyways. I could think of hundreds of things I hate about myself but not a single thing I liked about myself. It was so awkward sitting there and not saying a positive thing. My therapist even asked me if I'm having any suicidal thoughts afterwards, that's how bad I must have looked. When I looked in her eyes she seemed clueless, like she's never seen anyone that bad and has no idea how to help me. + +I don't believe my problems are something I can fix by just changing the way I think about myself. I am not an interesting person. I'm not an attractive person. I just feel like there's nothing of value about me and people find me repulsive.",Personality disorder +51368,,Personality disorder +51369,"Soldier, Poet, King what did you guys get? (if you have taken the test). I bet a lot of ppl here will get >!king!< , I wanted/expected >!poet!< but I got that instead (the description feels like a personal attack lol) + +Here's the link if anyone wants : https://uquiz.com/quiz/MYLbZ3/are-you-a-soldier-a-poet-or-a-king",Personality disorder +51370,"DAE have depressive-zero motivation to do anything when alone i just want to sleep but i never feel rested and recovered + + +i really want to make music but im only motivated around others -- i have some intrinsic motivation such as to make music but i keep getting discouraged to the utmost point by a lot of stuff -- dreaming of playing at festivals and having fun with people and then feeling like its just an impossible task to even try to start + + +and to mention transgender trauma, its just not easy to interact with others and its always this doom and gloom there is no time wasted time feeling of society and its machine of productivity. i like being productive, but i hate the pressure. and if i dont feel motivated, pressure is the alternative response. kind and caring encouragement gives me space to debate when people dont want to debate it, which kindof makes sense + + +my point is im sad. i can't live in a 2D world IRL where i dont get misgendered, and using the internet just to feel a sense of alleviation from dysphoria is fake because anyone can fake anything on the internet, i wanted it to feel real as i could and i lost my insurance this is giving me a headache. + + +I didn't want to BE ""X"" i wanted to replace my y chromosome end of story",Personality disorder +51371,Does anyone feel a bit better after moving out? Moving out and away from people who have made you feel like shit. Just wondering if moving out has made anyone feel a bit better about things?,Personality disorder +51372,"Do you think someone with avpd have a chance in the music industry? So it’s been getting harder for me to keep a job. I’m still trying as hard as I can, I don’t wanna been seen as weak for not being able to keep a job. But it’s 2 things I do very well and that’s sing, and make beats . Do you think someone with avpd have a chance in the music industry? If I do the singing I know my anxiety would be crazy if I had to perform but I really have a passion for singing.",Personality disorder +51373,sweating Anybody else start sweating like a whore in church on Sunday when dealing with ppl?,Personality disorder +51374,"Liking someone I wanna know how other people with AvPD are when you like someone/have a crush? + +Personally I find it very painful. I wonder if I feel too strongly, the feeling is intense and I don’t know how normal that is. Not talking to the person I like feels more painful than it should be. Maybe it’s an AvPD thing? I’ve heard it can be like this for people with BPD. I have several BPD traits and I’m not too sure how it works, but maybe that’s why I feel like this?",Personality disorder +51375,"What are good ways to support my AVPD partner? I’ve been seeing a guy for the last year and he has Avpd. Theres times where he will completely isolate and go no contact which I understand is only him trying protect himself. +I just try my best to be patient and there for him when he is ready to reconnect. + +I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I could support him and possibly ease any suffering he may be going through. + +I love him beyond words but I don’t want to cause anymore discomfort than he may already be going through. + +Thanks heaps everyone",Personality disorder +51376,"Phone calls are a fundamentally scary unknown way of interacting and it gives me anxiety on that basis talking to someone and only hearing a voice, or getting phone calls from an unknown number, is exciting and terrifying? ( like, i already hate my voice --mtf trans pre-op pre-voiceTraining and interacting is a mess due to trauma and needing to be all these defaults that im not just to get along which isnt even true im just too afraid to be myself but i often lose that but whatever that's not the point) + + +people only want to interact in phone calls like hey there's letters theres email theres texting there are nicer ways to interact. but then again i just hate my face and voice which kinda makes both phone calls and real life really painful but at least im more used to real life despite the trauma",Personality disorder +51377,"studying makes my AvPD symptoms worse. This might sound really weird, as I've never heard about it here or anywhere else, but I've noticed that when I make a mental effort, especially to learn something new, I seem to change my personality and I can't laugh , I get ""surly"", my mood gets worse. Also, I get hypervigilant when I see people on the street, I look at them as if I've seen something scary. If I don't study for a week, my symptoms improve a lot and I become more sociable and relaxed. ps: Studying means being focused for a period of time on trying to absorb some content well, as mathematics or philosophy, for example. I know that everything I said may sound meaningless or strange , but can someone enlighten me or give me some tips? Thank you very much in advance.",Personality disorder +51378,"Going at your own pace I believe some days ago there was a post about being tired of importance of communication skills in life. Now, there's kinda similar issue but with the pace that everything's is going with. Just my personal experience, I am not speaking for everyone. So, last year I quit college cus I couldn't bear stress and deadlines. I was pretty slow to understand and do things that was required, professors (or whatever they're called, sry not sure) were pressuring us a lot with all that and so on. I have a job as a stocker now but in about month or so I have to think about other options for studying (colleges/universities, just some other field), and that honestly makes my stomach twist. It's not about what I want, it's about how it'll all go. I'd love to spend my time studying art but I am so afraid of the process. When I think about it, I can imagine only flaws and mistakes I'd make. There would be so much things to learn and practice but so little time to do all that. And now to the title. I hate that everything must be spinning crazy like that. If you want to study, you must be catching up quickly, otherwise it's immediately your one big ass problem and no one is willing to help you with that. It'd so damn cool if there was any way to get education on your own pace, so you have enough time for everything. I know it's only in my dreams but I can't stop thinking about it. I am so slow because my brain is so fried after all these years fighting this plague. I don't know, maybe it's just me and I am that broken but it's really so sad that I can't normally go towards my dreams. And those fears aren't even irrational, same shit happened year ago and I know myself so damn well it couldn't be any way around. Sorry for such long bullshit vent, I had to get it off my chest",Personality disorder +51379,"Boyfriend broke up with me over my AvPD I was already thinking about breaking up with him just because AvPD made it too painful and scary to be in a relationship even when he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but it’s still gut-wrenching. I’m not necessarily heartbroken, I just feel like shit because his reasoning boiled down to “I get you have AvPD and you can’t help it, but it’s your fault this isn’t working out”. He was sick of me constantly ghosting him, never directly communicating or confronting him about anything, and he called me childish for being unable to have a difficult conversation like an adult. + +I already feel guilty enough about the way AvPD makes me act without someone I thought was understanding telling me exactly all the ways I ruined this for him, all of which just so happen to be things I already constantly worry are reasons people avoid or despise me. In situations like this, people usually say some shit like “it’s not you it’s me” or go easy on you, right? + +Not to mention, one of his reasons was that I was ghosting him while I have been in animation crunch on a tight deadline so I genuinely didn’t have the time or energy to even read messages whatsoever let alone respond, which feels like maybe he should’ve been a tiny bit more understanding of, but in terms of the big picture, I guess I understand. + +It still feels like shit though. I’ve never been broken up with before, and even though I wanted out since the week he first confessed to me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over this that easy just because he wanted me to know I was the bad boyfriend and everything I was insecure about, I have every right to hate myself for. + +EDIT: After I panic-blocked him on all social media, he is now anonymously harassing me on Tumblr to confront me about it and generally being very childish and kinda fucked up and creepy, so. Maybe I dodged a bullet, actually.",Personality disorder +51380,Hedonistic I'm so insanely hedonistic. I can't do anything that doesn't give me instant gratification. I quit every single thing in life that didn't give me instant pleasure. I can't see myself ever achieving things that I want from life. It feels like I would need to become a completely different person if I wanted to get what I want from life. There's times when I think that maybe the best thing I could do is to accept myself as I'm and that I should just give up on trying to change things.,Personality disorder +51381,"AvPD in the Military? Hi, has anyone with this disorder done military service before? I feel like the best times for my mental state and relationships with others have been when I've been forced to do things together and have a very regimented schedule, and I don't think my current occupation is tenable for much longer. I have a graduate degree in engineering - so I was thinking perhaps trying to become an officer, although I'm not so confident in my leadership ability. Perhaps for a support role, such as intelligence or a pilot, or some other more specialized service? I guess as a bonus I've done a lot of mil-sim activities and hobbies throughout my life so far, and I don't really have any relationships or people (except my distant parents) to tie me down to a specific location. + +I'm not taking any medication, and although I've brought up this disorder to my psychiatrist I haven't received an official diagnosis one way or the other as it's not their policy to ""label"" patients.",Personality disorder +51382,Social media is so weird sometimes. I just don’t get the “I’m gonna post a picture of my face and I want you to like it.” Maybe I just didn’t develop a self-esteem high enough to be able to relate to that.,Personality disorder +51383,"What is your MBTI type? Just want to see if there's any correlation/link or if any types are more/less common here :) + +Mine is infj!",Personality disorder +51384,"what are you doing to help your AvPD? Do you have a certain regimen? Are you taking meds? Going to therapy? I'm suddenly feeling motivated to do something good for me and put my energy into my personal growth after neglecting it the last year or so.. i just don't know where to start yet.. any suggestions? I already made an appointment with my psychologist, I am willing to take meds again and to start working out!",Personality disorder +51385,"Failing to understand the true logic behind social interactions and relationships. Until I started reading about psychology and watching videos about it, I don't think I understood myself or other people thoroughly. + +I wish I had done this 20 years ago. + +Because, well, school doesn't teach you this AND my parents didn't teach me this at all. They provided but they didn't truly parent me. They were mainly focused on their own emotional needs without knowing it.",Personality disorder +51386,"Struggling to find a career Hey y’all. I’m currently in 3rd year university in science and although I find things interesting sometimes most of the time it just feels like killing time. I’m still working on completing my first year compulsory courses( as I’ve taken a gap in between 1st year and now completing optional courses I thought were interesting.) Honestly I feel like giving up at this point because I hate calculus and stupid pre-requisites that have nothing to do with the degree (environmental science). They also make you take a billion “optional” courses(out of a small restricted list) in order to graduate. I feel like I’ll never find a career option that I’ll be satisfied with. The days feel so long, i have no motivation or drive. I daydream most of the time and have a hard time focusing. I want to exist without being expected to give.. but that’s nearly impossible without just being homeless. What do you have a career in and what has been your experience like working?",Personality disorder +51387,"People say the most horrible things about me then wonder why I don’t open up or feel comfortable to talk to them How and why would I try being friends with people who say I’m an ugly, useless, f@ggot with no friends? They literally make fun of how lonely I am and talk shit about me .. who in tf is going to talk to people who obviously hate them. Like most people talk shit about me. When I try being nice and open they call me annoying , weird or try to take advantage of me. When I’m quiet and avoidant due to constant mistreatment they say I’m weird and creepy and a loser + + +Wtf do people want from me I’m so ducking exhausted dealing with people. I feel like I can’t trust anyone and the whole reason I don’t try reaching out to people is because every time i thought I was friends with someone they talked shit about me / secretly hated me.. how am I supposed to genuinely trust anyone after that?",Personality disorder +51388,"I’m pretty sure no one even likes me (can’t cope) My whole life everyone has been at best indifferent to me, & often times just outright abusive to me. + +The depths to which I feel alone can’t even be put into words, this isn’t a new thing; it’s always been this way but it’s really starting to hit me that I’m living for people who don’t care to do a damn thing to help me & maybe there’s just something deeply wrong with me for no one to ever care about me at all. + +I truly don’t think I can keep going with no hope of ever having any connection with anyone & I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I even have anything to live for *for me*. + +My life is completely empty, the only people I have around me demand so much of me &/or hurt me. I don’t think I’m even capable of building a better life, & if I am then I don’t know if I’m capable of making it for that long with absolutely no help from anyone. My whole life feels like such a waste, I’ve never had any purpose.",Personality disorder +51389,"social anxiety vs avpd what do you guys think of the whole debate around whether social anxiety and avpd are the same disorder? + +of course we aren't professionals but i think we can still have our own input. i was diagnosed with social anxiety when i was 15 a month after i dropped out of school and became housebound/agoraphobic and because of that i wasnt able to understand the things i was truly struggling, nor were the professionals able to understand. when i ended up inpatient for the first time at age 17 i couldnt leave my room until i was forced to, wasnt able to talk to other patients or make friends every time i was in hospital or in some sort of program. i had online friends but then i started becoming convinced that they hated me so i ended up ghosting every online friend i had. when i was 18 i discovered what avpd was and i was amazed by how much i related to every single thing about it, even more so than i related to the diagnostic criteria of bpd which i was diagnosed with. i brought up the idea of avpd to a psychiatrist last fall and she pretty just said ""i agree"" but also mentioned that theres debate on whether social anxiety and avpd are the same disorder so idek if she changed my diagnosis or not which kinda annoys me but whatever. + +i just think from what i know about social anxiety is that well its obviously anxiety related so it deals more with anxious thoughts surrounding social activities. avpd to me is more so the innate feelings that you are inept and that there is something deeply wrong with you to the core and thats why nobody likes you therefore you stay alone. i just think they're separate things because not everyone with social anxiety experiences that. let me know what you guys think!",Personality disorder +51390,"Teasing Just wondering how many people take general or playful razzing super poorly or personally. For instance, teasing between friends. I have a few friends that tease me about some of my hobbies and interests. Some times I fluff it off, other times I get super frustrated and almost angry with them, and feel like I'm somehow stupid or inferior for liking the things I like. Just wondering if that's a normal thing or if it is part of the disorder. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10w2p1s)",Personality disorder +51391,"I firmly believe undiagnosed ADHD is a big part of the reason why I have this disorder Beyond emotional (and sometimes physical) neglect, I always knew something was different about me. And not in a good way. I couldn't relate to my peers growing up and I could never figure out why. I was always ""too much"". Too loud, too weird, too emotional. I never had the same interests as the other kids around me. Which made me sad because I wanted to, but never did + +Then there's the fact that I couldn't catch on to jokes quickly, which made me awkward. My poor attention span and memory made things worse. Sometimes my teacher would ask me to do a favor (like grab something from a shelf) and I couldn't follow directions. This happened a lot growing up. People getting frustrated with me or thinking there's something wrong with me because I couldn't follow directions. + +This evolved into a massive fear of being embarrassed. If someone was telling me where to go, I'd need a visual. A map or for me to write down their directions, because I'll get lost. My short term memory is so bad. I remember my uncle was giving me his phone number (we were moving and he had to leave and come back but I needed to be in contact with him). + +He recited the numbers and I couldn't remember what he said quick enough. I just always felt like I'm slow to process things. I still am. Someone will state a fact about themselves, I'll look them in the face and nod like I was listening. But I wasn't, so I *repeat what they said back to them* and they all give me this ""wtf"" look and they tell me they just said that a moment ago. + +Sometimes I forget the things I myself said and it would lead to me repeating myself multiple times. Again, ending with people giving me this ""wtf is wrong with her?"" Look. Yikes. + +It doesn't help that I think I deal with rejection sensitive dysphoria. It takes *very little* for me to get flustered and embarrassed. It led to me lashing out at others as a child, which ofc led to me being excluded eventually. I always over-expressed my emotions and I think that was off putting to other people. When I was happy I was very happy. When I felt a twinge of sadness, I was crying, when I was mad I was yelling and name calling. + +I had overall weird impulsive behavior. I would say the most random things and make really weird movements (I still do but only at home lol). I think all of these things just made others reject me because I was so strange. And to avoid the harsh judgement, I started masking all of my ""quirks"", but I lost myself in the process. + +I went from one extreme to the other. Instead of being overly expressive, I isolate myself and I come off as cold, uncaring, and stuck up. But this couldn't be further from the truth. I truly *do* care about people but I'm emotionally blocked off and still trying to mask those symptoms that make me seem ""weird"" + +Sorry for all the rants and posts lately 🫠. I'm not actually sad this time. I think I'm just coming to accept there's a reason why I am the way I am, and that I'm not just inherently defective.",Personality disorder +51392,Social Media This is gonna sound maybe a little superficial but anyone feel embarrassed posting on social media because of how little friends they have? Like I know a post of mine is only gonna get a few likes and I’m almost embarrassed to post because then it’ll be obvious to those people how alone I am.,Personality disorder +51393,"How to stop ghosting? How to stop ghosting people? There's a point where trust is broken and you're afraid that they despise you. This builds on top of your usual ghosting. I guess, ghosting should be stopped when trust is not broken. What works to address this ghosting phenomenon?",Personality disorder +51394,Do you make selfies? Just found r/Faces,Personality disorder +51395,"I don't know why I'm so self-defeating. I can't help it. I don't avoid people because I'm anxious, or embarrassed, or ugly, or feel unwanted. People try to make connections with me and I shut them down or ghost them. I just refuse the effort. And it's not because it's unwanted–I wish I had friends, I want to date, I imagine what my life would be like if I wasn't me and it looks like a lot of fun. I don't think I'm actually schizoid or anything. I just don't have the drive to improve my life in the ways I know I should. + +I have never been in a relationship, but I have accounts on a couple different dating apps. I put effort into my profiles and then I ignore every message I get. When people try to talk to me in public, I usually just walk away. I don't know why. Engaging at all just doesn't seem possible. It feels like writer's block, only it's going to ruin my life. + +It's not like I had a traumatic childhood or anything. I wasn't abused. My parents weren't narcissists. I wasn't even particularly unpopular in school, but even back then, even in elementary school, I would refuse any efforts to hang out outside the classroom. I would never go over to my friend's houses even though my mom always said yes. Most often, I wouldn't even tell her I was invited. And then I would feel sad from the isolation, lol. + +I don't really know what the point of this post is. It's more of a rambling vent than anything else. I need to get it off my chest somehow. My family is so confused by my behavior but I can't bring myself to talk to them about it. Somehow it's easier on an anonymous subreddit. I'm not even sure if this is allowed here, since I'm not officially diagnosed. When I was 19, I went to a psychiatrist to get treatment for my OCD. I didn't want to, but the only other option was killing myself, which I wanted to do less. He's the one who brought AvPD to my attention, but he didn't give me a diagnosis that day. He wanted me to come back for follow up appointments to narrow things down. I refused. I don't know why.",Personality disorder +51396,"Please help me understand what I went through This is going to be lengthy and ahead of time I want to apologize to anyone this might be sensitive to. It involves an affair and I'm struggling to absolve myself for my part in it and have thought often that I might die of a broken heart over this. I'll begin with the story fully and what I need from all of you is help to see similarities in me that'd make me a BPD sufferer or her or what. I am so mentally screwed up over this that it's been hard to move on. I'm almost 3 months no contact as of right now. + +The story begins at work. I worked at a rehab facility in a health field. She was at the orientation for our first day and she said later that I'd caught her eye and she'd hoped to talk to me from the very first time she'd seen me. As I began to see her at work she started casually flirting. Once she needed equipment that'd take blood pressure and I said I only had my POX that does HR and SpO2, she replied ""I want everything"" with a look. As we began to really talk she revealed she had a husband even though she wore no wedding ring. I thought she was beautiful and she was very observant. Later, she said that she noticed me looking at her lips one of the first times we'd spoken. It progressed to innocent things like once I'd said me and a coworker missed her while she'd been off for a week or so. She came up to me later in the shift and excitedly and red in the face said ""you missed me?"" When helping a patient up from bed she'd placed her hand firmly over mine as I held onto his walker. Little flirty things like this intrigued me. I know that I should not have proceeded but I could tell that she was unhappy and I did feel like she was truly deserving of more happiness. She was from Moldova and her husband was Russian. They'd been married for I believe 10 years and had a son who was 5 years old. I began to pursue her a little more and wrote lists of things to do nearby that were fun. Although she'd been in the US for 5 years she'd never been to a movie once in that time. I was so sad and just thought this girl needs to experience the lighter side of life. Finally, one day we exchanged Instagram information and soon began talking on there. She wasn't quick to reveal too much about herself but was definitely initiating conversation frequently. As we began talking it progressed relatively quickly, after a month and a half we were meeting for the first time outside of work. It was around this time that she told me prior to meeting me she'd planned to leave her husband and just be ""alone."" I tried inviting her to a movie but she kept insisting that she wanted to come over to my place. When discussing this she was talking about seating and how we wouldn't be doing anything and all of that. I told her the TV was in my room and all I had in there was my bed. She was kind of trying to say that there could be no contact and all of that. Well, within seconds of shutting the door behind her we were making out. For the entire time she was over we made out. She even shook my bedpost when she got into my bed. I know she would have gone all the way if I'd tried. This is when there were things she finally said that shook me a little. She told me she broke up with one guy because he didn't kiss good and stuff like that. She told me eventually that people when she worked at Amazon offered a threesome with her. I have no idea how that conversation even began. She began to sound almost manic with the things she'd say as if I'd freed some mind that was eager to be free. She told me once that she wasn't ready to date older men because she wasn't ready for that. When we ate tacos for the first time she said she was ready to date because I joked that all women like tacos and margs on their dating profiles. She told me there were times she thought she loved her husband. It was largely like a business relationship where they occupied separate parts of the house and just worked together for the practical purposes of a relationship (kids, home, money). She even told me he had cameras inside the house that he'd watch and monitor. As I started to become more attached to her I became more nervous and more fearful. It was at this time she made a reference to the effect of me being her favorite person and something along the lines of she'd let anyone go before letting me go (meaning friends etc.) The situation to me as it began was that this girl was wonderful and I'd have been a fool to let her life go by without joy and happiness. She truly was to me someone very special. One of the first things she texted me on instagram was that she perceived me to be ""less happy than I appeared"" at work. She just seemed so genuine to me but as time went on I feared that maybe I couldn't trust her. She revealed a lot about her childhood but not much about the emotions she felt. Like, I know she had a tumultuous upbringing. She literally lived in a village with a bed that was above a wooden stove that heated it beneath. I know her dad whipped her and her brother. She was unfairly responsible for a lot as a kid. She also revealed she had a bout of bulimia in high school. She told me they were told more often that they did something wrong rather than be congratulated for good work. She didn't like me complimenting her too much. She would try to change the subject if I'd say much to that effect. She didn't like when I gave her positive reinforcement either. Like, if I said I appreciated something she'd say I was trying to train her. One thing I'd said I appreciate was when she sent photos of home. Like, what she was doing or what her son and her were doing. I just liked feeling as if I was included in her life. I spoiled the hell out of her. I brought her food and everything I could each time we worked together (about once a week). What happened though eventually was we had a night together finally a month or so after our first kiss. I did not perform well. The anxiety of it all and the feeling that I was being told when and if things are going to happen. This wasn't like I'm feeling horny and you are right next to me. This was I'm coming over this day and we're going to get it on. I'm 33 and my sex drive isn't quite that great and add in this whole complicated situation and well, it didn't go well. This was the first time she said ""I love you"" though when we were doing other things in bed together. I became nervous about my failure to perform. I didn't discuss with her the reason or anything regarding it so that was likely my mistake. The next time we saw each other and I said I love you, she said ""can we not say I love you so much."" That shook me because I didn't know what it meant, like holidays? lol I told her to not tell me how to love her and she accepted that although it probably bred contempt. Fast forward a couple weeks and we are in the car after work and I saw her getting close to another coworker at work. This coworker later said he felt ""some vibes"" from her too but once he saw we'd become close he didn't think any more of it. When I saw them two close, I asked her about it. She said ""you doubt my feelings for you?"" She got upset and rightfully so, later that day she was very panicked and called to say that she was shook up by it. Now our birthdays are approaching. I'd thought we'd see each other on my birthday. No we didn't. Then her birthday was the day after mine. Didn't see each other that day either. Then another 5 days or so went by and she didn't come over or anything. Just prior to what happened next she sent me the music video for ""Wicked Game."" Paranoia took over me and I just asked after a day where communication was kind of lacking between us if she was distancing herself. She told me that no she wasn't distancing herself and that a healthy relationship is two people living separately with separate interests and coming together in the middle to share. Then she said at the time that now she felt worse and that I felt better. Two days later and she called to break up with me and said ""love is not enough."" That was the blackest my life has ever seemed. I had never experienced anything like it. Like I was just floating through a sea of nothingness. The very next day she texted to say ""she still thought of me"" and that she was worried. I just told her that I couldn't help her feel better about her decision to break up at that time. Almost a week went by and she called me. I didn't answer because I figured if it were important she would have called again. Curiosity got the better of me a couple days later and I called her back. She answered and we spoke, she said that she had to become ""better at disappointing me."" She told me it would take some time to get back to normal between us but it didn't take long. She revealed that she'd written in the birthday card she got me (but never gave me) that I made her want to have kids again. She later revealed that she feared and projected that I'd be jealous of the time devoted to our children over me. The fantasies continued and she envisioned us growing old together and that we'd ""rest when we were old."" She is a very hard worker. I've never met anyone so goal oriented in my life. She was truly busy and between her husband not helping her, her son, school and work, she was truly doing it all. I can tell that my persistent need for attention probably bothered her but as I became closer I could no longer act cool. After we got ""back together"" she suggested we go to the movies. I was so happy to finally do something with her outside of work or just spending a night together. Some time to finally bond and enjoy ourselves just sounded great to me. I had a great time and I thought she did too. She said before we went into the movie that she was sorry and that she'd ""never forgive herself"" for what she'd done when she broke up with me. She told me when she'd broken up she stowed away everything I'd given her and deleted our conversation on Instagram. She also revealed that it was a time where she considered going to therapy or doing a virtual session. This was I think one of two times she'd ever say she was sorry to me. I don't remember when it was that she'd said this but it was either before this breakup or somewhere else in the middle of all of this but she said ""I need to love you less."" That's not a good thing to hear. This period was probably the best time of our relationship. She even entrusted me to watch her son while she went to an eye appointment. It was moments like these that I needed where I actually felt valuable to her. I didn't think much of myself outside of opportunities like this. A week or so after our night at the movies she came over again to my place. When she came over this time I performed better but still not well enough. I think I went like 5 minutes and then just lost it for whatever reason. I'm not a very experienced guy and I never really talked about it with her because I thought she'd think less of me. A few more weeks go by and she says that she can no longer spend time with me after work. We'd have like twenty minutes between us after a shift and of course I assumed incorrectly it was because of me. I needed reassurance probably a little too often. I don't know if it was the nature of the relationship, the first breakup, or what it was but I felt on edge. She assured me it wasn't because of me that she didn't want to or couldn't stay after work. She said her husband found a (innocent) picture that I'd given her of me. I knew that a lot of what I'd given her was stowed away so I wondered how only this picture was found. He then deduced that I was a person on her instagram from my photo. She warned me to not text her and that she'd contact me. This went on for a little while successfully until one morning I sent her a couple of messages on Instagram. He was actually online on her instagram and saw the messages where I'd said ""I love you."" She didn't contact me the rest of the day so I knew something was wrong. That night I called her and she answered crying. She said that he'd told her she was a bad mother and all sorts of terrible things. He also messaged me the next day saying ""I hear you are very good friends with my wife, I also want to be friends."" I told her about this and she begged me not to reply and to block him. A few hours later, he had blocked me. She told me he'd even planned to send me pregnancy photos of her. It was truly messed up. This whole situation is, I know. When he blocked me, I wondered why. She told me he was viewing the messages over and over. She told me he was planning to tell his parents and that it would be soon discussed within the family. I never heard much about it after that. My paranoia increased. A few weeks went by and we had some intimate encounters but she still wasn't coming over to spend the night at all. I felt maybe that was due to my inability to really perform but I wasn't sure. After her husband found out though understandably there wasn't as much communication between her and I. Now I waited for her to initiate everything. I waited for phone calls. I waited for texts. One day she texted me precisely before I began work and I said it meant a lot that she did that because it was something she used to do. She told me I was trying to ""train her."" We never had real quality time together. Work was really the best thing we had between the two of us. This is where it all began to break. One day I exchanged just a couple texts with her (even though it was against the rules) and I never received a call. I had a spell of emotions come over me and I got upset I said some rough things, nothing too crazy. The next day we spoke and I said asked her if she was happy. She said if she still calls and I still answer that we're happy. She then began dissecting what I was really asking and she came to the conclusion that I was actually saying that I wasn't happy. I felt our communication was so difficult and we hadn't spent any real quality time together by this time since the movies and our one night together. She told me she ""doesn't do reassurance."" She said she'd have to take time to herself and she'd miss me and stuff but she'd not really be speaking to me. The next week or more I just got texts saying things like ""I miss you"", ""can't talk"", ""good morning."" This went on and on for like I said, over a week. I was getting really affected by it. There I was the other man in this whole thing and I'm wondering how important am I? After all, she has a husband and a life outside of our relationship. She was absolutely my primary partner. I finally got upset and sent her a text that was lengthy and said don't contact me I don't know what is going on, I don't have clarity on anything etc. She must have had my phone number blocked because the next morning I received another ""good morning"" message. So I sent another similar message again. This one was delivered because she didn't say anything at all. I'll admit, I wanted her to fight for our relationship. I wanted her to see how difficult this was for me. I understand that I was wreaking havoc on her life to some extent. I was definitely a hindrance to any stability in her life. Well, after nothing came to me within a couple of days I freaked out. I went back on everything I'd said and apologized profusely and went on and on with a whole bunch of texts and calls. Like a whole bunch. I was so fearful and felt like I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole that I'd been responsible for. I still felt I was owed some clarity on her stance with her husband and what was happening behind the scenes but I knew that I was screwing up. After all of this she said it was toxic and that I was frightening her. After she said that I lost it. I was supposed to work with her that night and I called off because I couldn't fathom being near her when she'd said I frightened her. Well, that night she was super pissed. She said that I was acting ""like an 18 year old boy not a 33 year old man."" She said there was ""no more us at work, no more spending time together, no more talking"", no more anything. I was shook up by this as I'd been by everything before it. I told her honestly that when I'd called off that my manager knew it was because of some disagreement between her and I. I had known my manager for years and she was a friend, so I didn't think much of it. After she said all of this ""there is no more us"" stuff several more days went by and I decided to resign from the job. She talked to me finally a couple days after the day I resigned. When we spoke she said that her dad never understood her mom and she was fearful because I didn't understand her. At the end of the call I revealed to her that I quit the job. She abruptly hung up on me and later told me that she began to cry after I told her I'd done it because of what she said. She later texted me and said she wanted me to ""let her go."" This where things got really messy. She told me she wanted to ""be single."" I told her I need time to move on. She replied, ""I will not remind you of myself."" I told her she could write a letter if she ever had some clarity on all of this. She replied, ""I will not send a letter, I don't like writing letters."" A few days again went by and I tried reaching out to her. She asked me what I'd done in those few days apart. I told her that I'd done nothing, meaning I hadn't been with anyone else. When we began talking again things got rough, she began trying to lose weight. She asked if it was because I was nervous why I hadn't performed well in bed. I told her that it was but she questioned whether it was her body. She talked about getting breast implants. She told me that the beginning was fantasy and that it'd never be like that again. She once texted me and said that she missed me more than I even knew but that she can't be vulnerable. She said that she needed to learn to love not me. She said so many things during this period that makes me question everything today. I know women can be emotional and I was definitely emotional enough for the both of us but this was next level. After a struggle to see her, she finally said she wanted to see me. When I did I felt just as we always had together. The butterflies and like she was just the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid my eyes on. She allowed me to touch her intimately when we had this meeting but it was almost the last time she'd allow me to do so. What happened in the weeks following was my job was reinstated because my resignation was never given to anyone above my manager. She didn't forward it so that she could protect my employment in case I changed my mind. When we worked together those next few weeks there was some contentiousness between us. One night she was upset because something regarding her parents' immigration wasn't going well. She did not tell me what it was initially. I always wanted to know what was bothering her and I was sensitive to her moods. My life with her felt so microscopic. Each interaction was magnified. Each gesture became what I'd live with for the next week as we spent time apart. I was often visibly disappointed when she would not share what was going on. She was very good at reading my expressions. She stormed off and when I caught up with her she had her pants hiked up really high near this one male nurse we worked with. I thought something of this because she'd said she did that near me initially when we began our little courtship. Later that night I said I wanted her to be happy. That I wanted to have a ""good time."" She asked what I meant by a ""good time."" I said that I wanted to have fun. That we never had any opportunities to just have fun together. It was soon after that I decided to go back to school to better myself and to impress my gf (I guess). When I did so she took one of the classes with me. So we'd have Monday nights together in class. Our job soon closed because the building it was in was no longer going to be serviced. This left us only with our class together. She would never come over ever again to my place after our argument involving work. I did my best each week to spoil her. I made salmon salad that I kept on ice in the car and we'd eat it after class released. I got her a spa package to enjoy so that she could just a take a minute to relax. I really missed her. I really really really missed her. I needed time with her to really bond. Her life was undoubtedly busy but the lack of quality time we had together came off as disinterest to me. I became so attached but so worried about the previous damaged I'd done that I began to spiral. In the class we had a good time initially. There was even one week where he had cancelled class and we had like an hour and a half together. It was great. I felt just happy to finally have uninterrupted time with her. She asked me during that time jokingly if I had brought the salmon salad again for her. Also, I'd gotten her a whole box of candies that she liked since childhood called ""Bounty."" She asked where they were and why I'd not given them to her. She told me she liked seeing my reaction when I was asked things like this. When I told her I hadn't eaten them because I'd had enough sweets. She asked ""who have you been getting sweets with."" I just said a friend of mine (Will). I felt so awkward because she had not been paying much attention to me prior to this night we had together. Texts were more sporadic and often mine that I sent weren't replied to. We still spoke every day pretty much but there was never much to talk about. I craved shared experiences and a sense of security. I'd done my part to ruin things but it felt like this was all being sabotaged. One day I called her after I got out of a therapy session and asked her ""how do I ask for what I need?"" I was being starved. I felt overwhelmed by how much I felt I was being ignored. However, I do know during this time she wasn't caring for herself much either. She was irritated when I asked this of her. One night near the very end I offered her a BetterHelp therapy membership. I told her it was the best thing that I could give her. I had already tried brightening her spirits with the spa gift and the other little things I'd tried to do. She said she didn't want to go and that only she could decide when it was necessary to go. She told me she didn't like how I was trying to change her. Another week near the end, I sat next to her in class like always. After class she asked me why my legs were so far from her legs beneath the table. I certainly felt the push/pull behavior. I know she had a lot on her plate but I was single, I didn't have all of these responsibilities and dramas. I was focused on her. A little too much maybe. I didn't know if she'd done this before?? Why the cameras in the house?? Why the invitation of a threesome?? I didn't know if I was really important. My mind raced and raced. One of the final days we had I asked her in a text ""if I ask to spend more time with her, isn't that something she'd want to do because she loves me."" The next day we spoke on the phone and I asked her to reply to that when she could, she said that I can't ask someone to do that. She'd reply when/if she was ready to do so. I was struggling so much, I have thought at times I might die of a broken heart over this. What finally happened was her son was sick, she told me the day before we had class together that she needed a break and requested that I don't text her. I agreed and the next day we saw each other in class. I broke. I asked her if she'd have any time for us after class, she just shook her head no. I snapped. I began just staring at her, intermittently for a good ten minutes or so. Sulking in the chair next to her, I was probably a real sorry sight to see. She looked to me and said ""we'll talk after class."" I made some passive aggressive remarks about borrowing a pen and stuff but nothing too bad. When we got out of class I was immediately upset. She patronizingly said ""let's have a discussion."" As if I hadn't been trying to have one all along about my needs. I said ""did you talk to your husband today?"" She said, ""I have to, he has my son."" I replied ""well nothing for me then, huh?"" The ""let's have a discussion"" remark made me begin to crack a smile (she did not like that) because I just thought to myself how ridiculous is all of this. I love her, I still do. How on earth could she not see how ridiculous it had all become and how it practically was from the start. The argument went mostly like that for just another minute or so before she began walking away. I followed and she said ""I don't like the way you love. Your love is overwhelming."" She got in the car and as I tried to offer her a water I had brought for her, she said ""I don't want anything from you anymore."" She had headaches a lot and one night she drank and ate the ice from the salmon salad on her way home, that's why I had brought the water for her. She went home and I went to meet up with my one friend. I called her and left a voicemail that said something like ""I wish you the best in all the things you have going on. I hope you learn to love and accept love."" The next day I hadn't yet heard from her and I texted her. When I did she told me that maybe a business relationship is what she needs. She can't handle arguments in love. She told me she went home had a few drinks and considered her husband's proposal to get back together. By that she meant they had sex. She told me that what we had wasn't special, that ""it was in my head."" One thing she asked was why I smiled. I said, ""I couldn't believe I was being treated like this."" She replied, ""you're saying I'm a bad partner."" I said, ""I've been asking you for weeks to see you."" I just couldn't believe the whole thing. She acts concerned about such a thing after admitting to having sex with her husband. Her mind truly was chaotic. Where was she when I was breaking at the seams over our lack of time together. We have not communicated at all since that night. The last thing I sent was one heart emoji. I had no words from her to say anything about what I meant. Nothing. I have cried so much over the last few months. I think often about the day that I die and if I might be able to call her and see her one last time so that we might be able to imagine what it might have been if we'd had a chance. A real chance. I don't know. I blame myself. I know that I might have a problem. Maybe we both have a problem. I don't know anything anymore. It was real to me. Maybe I was just being used? If I could go back I would have stopped it from progressing as far as it did. I felt my confidence and my security change once it advanced. I don't know what does this mean to you guys on here? I've read a lot of BPD, NARC stuff. Youtube, Reddit, you name it. Do I have a problem? Is how I acted, aside from beginning this affair in the first place, that outlandish? Why didn't she understand how I might feel being in my position? Was this just a natural breakdown of an affair? Did I really mean nothing? How do I move on from this? How was this a genuine relationship with none of the healthy aspects a relationship has. Is it because she has a different outlook on love culturally? Is it because she sabotages relationships. I can't see how any intimate relationship with her could succeed, there doesn't seem to be any consistency. I am so confused. Thank you to anyone who reads and dissects this whole thing. Thanks for any hesitance to pass judgement onto me.",Personality disorder +51397,"The urge to disappear and start over. + +First I want to say that I am not diagnosed. I've seen quite a lot of posts about this urge to disappear on [r/Schizoid](https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/) and also [r/AvPD](https://www.reddit.com/r/AvPD/). + +I am kind of glad that I am not the only one who does this. I constantly delete my social media and start over. By doing this I also ghost all of my friends on Discord. With social media like Reddit, Twitch and others creating new accounts isn't a problem for me because I don't post anything. I only keep my Steam account. I always knew it's not normal. I didn't know other people also struggle with this. + +My friends are annoyed whenever I come up with a new Discord account. I really don't want to talk to them about this. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings with people I know. I feel like they wouldn't understand me and/or would judge me. Most of my friends I've known since 2017. I usually just come up with a dumb excuse like ""I forgot my password"" or something like that. + +I want to explain the weird urge I get whenever I feel like disappearing. Under a post there was this comment: + +>There was a point where I realized I was getting very good at starting things because after a certain point I would get that urge to restart. Not just with accounts, but with everything. I'd plan out how I was going to use an account, build a new habit, accomplish some goal as efficiently and optimally as possible, and for a while follow through. Eventually I would drift off track a little, let it eat at me, and then give up and decide I'll start over and do it better. At this point I struggle to get to the ""I'm going to try"" stage and usually just don't bother. The apathy does help me push through failure or perceived shortcomings a little more. + +This comment describes my situation very accurately. I feel almost exactly as this guy. + +Creating new accounts has become a routine. I feel like it even calms me and is the closest thing to running away from everything. It's kind of hard to explain how I feel.. + +I ghosted my friends like 3 weeks ago. Throughout the weeks I've tried to start over, but I always fail and just start over once again.. I didn't tell anyone I'll disappear. I deleted my Discord and now I'm gone. My friend texted me on Snapchat asking why I deleted my account. I just responded with something like ""yeah lol"". Didn't even give an answer. Ever since then I haven't talked to them. I want to, but I know I'm gonna disappear after a month. I also don't want to explain to them why I deleted my account because I can't even do it right now where I am anonymous. + +Probably a lot of mistakes, very unorganized post but yeah.. I hate this. I just want to be normal. :/",Personality disorder +51398,"Is it better to never experience love and thus never get hurt, or it's worth trying even if the hurt will have long-lasting consequences or will lead to something more drastic, like suicide? As the title says, I'm so sensitive to rejection that the smallest amount of desinterest, banter or subtle mockery can send me into a suicidal episode with the ""never going to be good enough"" mantra at its core. I'm presented with the chance of entering a relationship but I'm literally scared shitless, ugh just wanna pull away.",Personality disorder +51399,"If something bad ever happens to me, there is a chance most of the people who personally know me in life would never find out I live across the country far away from any family. For the most part, I’m very lonely and have been lonely for the majority of my life due to all sorts is issues and trauma since I was a kid. I have a few friends that I occasionally meet, but I don’t regularly talk to outside of that. I rarely talk to my family as I don’t have a close relationship with them. I went to college and met people there, but I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from college after graduating. + +Most of the people who know me in life have no clue what I’m doing or even how my life is right now. They haven’t heard from me in ages. If I ever went missing, they would probably never find out. If I ever died, the people who have known me in life would probably never find out. The only people who would know anything are my co-workers, doctors, and family. They would only find out if my work requested a check on me after not showing up for work for a while. Family would most like be notified through that. Doctors would only find out I was gone once I stop answering calls and showing up for appointments. + +This is just scary to think about. I’ve lived alone my whole and there is a good chance I would die alone. Life just sucks man. Why couldn’t I just have had a normal life?",Personality disorder +51400,"Reaching out for connection Hey guys ! +I'm a 24F and I'm very lonely these days. Ive been going back and forth on wether I should post this but here goes ! + +I recently lost someone who I thought was a friend, he wasn't. +Anyways we used to call each other and watch movies thru the phone or TV shows. Sometimes also smoke weed while we watched. + +My question is, do any of you have a desire to do this with me ? +I work long hours outside and then my bf does band practice so I'm alone a lot during the weekends or evenings. + +Obviously I know this post begging for human connection is sad but feel free to reach out my DMS are open 🙂",Personality disorder +51401,"is it just me or is most of the material you find online about this disorder defeatist af? Like most of the videos I find about avpd just states what it is, and then ends with ""yeah this isn't curable"". Then you venture into the comments and see people complaining about their partner with this disorder 💀.",Personality disorder +51402,"Am I just an A..hole? My main way I avoid people is by playing devils advocate, being cold, extreme opinions, saying rude things or sticking to superficial topics. I often compusively make myself the villian with friends. Not because I want to, but because having them hate me is secretly doing them a favor. +from all the post I've read alot of AVPD people sound like push overs or like eeyore from winnie the pooh. I'm starting wonder how many people play out their AVPD like me or if I'm got some other underlying disorder like odd or I'm just an a-hole? +Can someone confirm this?",Personality disorder +51403,,Personality disorder +51404,"Progression and regression Hey guys, gals, and enby pals. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted here. That was on my old account though. My name is Ciara. I’m a 25 year old trans girl and I have avpd.(obviously lol) Since I use to post I’ve made some decent progress. I managed to get a job in I shit you not retail. I actually managed to hold it down for a couple months even lol. Heck, in a few instances I even was kind of good at it. But eventually I cracked and quit. I could only get ignored or misgendered so many times. Now I’m back at square one. I know I can push myself, but my endurance seems so fickle. Although I do have some confidence. I know I’m not inferior. Took me a long time get there, but I know I’m gonna have to put myself back out into the world soon. I can’t be a neet again. Idk where I’m going with this I just kind of felt like venting a bit.",Personality disorder +51405,"I’m just so dumb socially because I’ve been isolating for so long I’m 19 and haven’t had a friend in 4 years. Isolated myself from the world for eight months. So I fell so so hard for this guy just cuz he flirted with me. And now it seems so obvious he was just messing with me, cuz he didn’t answer like half of my texts till days later and never actually asked me anything about myself. But I made excuses because I thought I was being like clingy and not understanding how relationships work. But no if a guy likes you he’s gonna show interest and actually answer your texts… + +It’s a little weird because I’m paranoid so I assume everything means everyone hates me. But now that I’m aware of this I’m trying to stop it. But I went too far in the opposite direction now and ignored my good judgement because I’m so inexperienced socially.",Personality disorder +51406,Cat is missing and I have no one I can talk to. Our cat who I love dearly has been missing for 3 nights now and she’s never stayed outside for more than a few hours in the entire last 2 years that we’ve lived here so I’m really worried. It sucks having no friends sometimes. I wish I had a single good friend I could talk to.,Personality disorder +51407,"AvPD or just selfish? I’m trying to understand if it’s because my partner is selfish or it’s because of AvPD. + +1. Will take and take and take and ask for more and state I don’t do anything. + +2. Will never do nice gestures for me, such as offer to pick me up, drop me off, take me to lunch. Be affectionate. Anything really. + +3. Treat me like a doormat. Cancel plans on me last minute, prioritize commitments with random people, disregard my feelings/thoughts. (We’re moving in and our place is going to be used as a business place with clients sitting in the living room all day and evening). + +4. Never take any responsibility, always contort discussions, criticisms, and play victim. + +I understand a lot of AvPD behaviors are rooted in shame and self doubt but I don’t see how that applies to the above behaviors. + +I would describe her as a high functioning AvPD. I’ve read some posts from similar people and by her own words “she feels like she is wearing a mask around other people all the time”. +Also seems she’s used to using and disregarding partners/men. Her life long friend called her out on this. + +***EDIT*** + +I needed some clarity and validation! I do not think this is AvPD which is why I had to ask. Also was looking for experiences from those in similar situations with mine or those with AvPD. + +Thank you for the replies, especially the detailed one from /u/Cultural-Abrocoma-83",Personality disorder +51408,"Do AVPD attract Needy people? So my brand is of AVPD is very not giving a F about others. I care about people, but in a relationship context I do not care. I sometime tell new people that ask for instagram or contact, I don't need anymore friends. I've learned to put a super cold front to avoid people. + + +However there is a subset of people that go harder the more I push or ghost them away. I typically find that they are approval/people seeking and want to be liked by everyone. So often times a friendship with me is hard one with them doing 70percent of the effort. + + +Do you guys find this as a pattern?",Personality disorder +51409,how do you deal with the feeling of regret over missed opportunities ? For example missed opportunity to get to know someone who showed interest in you or job opportunities and the likes.,Personality disorder +51410,"Feeling jealousy and not good enough when close friends start talking to someone else and direct most of their attention to them To be clear I'm not talking about drifting away from each other over time but rather like getting ditched where it all happens in a few minutes or less. This has happened to me a few times but the worst time was a few days ago because it happened with the closest friend I've ever had. It actually happened with them a few months ago too. I also feel bad for feeling like this and trying hard to not push them away but just can't control these feelings. + +A few days ago we were playing an online game together as we often do and after a while they mentioned that they were also talking to another friend while playing and I realized that was why they were so quiet compared to all the other times. I started shutting down after that but kept playing together for a few hours. We didn't say anything but I knew they were talking to the other friend instead. They did say bye when they were getting off and for the first time I didn't say anything back. Still haven't said anything and feel bad cause we are the best friends each other has ever had and I know for sure it is true for them, they are not lying. But just can't help these feelings of not wanting to talk to them anymore and pushing them away. I feel so ridiculous for feeling like this like for them it's just a normal interaction with someone else and not knowing how bad it made me feel.",Personality disorder +51411,"Friend Wants to take me to Strip Club I'm a 32 yo male. Never really had much experience with women, and all attempts have ended in catastrophe. I mean, I've officially thrown in the towel. + +My friend is insistent on taking me to a strip club and I'm worried. I feel a lot of dread and anxiety about it. He keeps saying things like ""you're not feeling anxiety, that's anticipation."" + +I'm going to end up going because I don't want to disappoint, especially because he's paying, but I'm curious. If any of you have been to a strip club what was your experience like?",Personality disorder +51412,"i need a tip pls Hello after 21 year of life +I am finally trying to make a relationship +I met a girl in the university . +i make the first move And I introduced myself to her(my first time in my life introduction myself to another person) . And it was great she was so nice and we start talking ( I felt like i am a human being) +But I think I got myself into trouble i met her in a another fast break But I didn't know how to talk to her and I felt so anxious . +I am afraid that if I ask her again , she will refuse",Personality disorder +51413,"Just had a date, and it was neutral I've seen two posts of two extremes in the past 24 hours (here and r/socialanxiety), [one that went well](https://redd.it/10tpr60) (ended with a kiss) and [one that apparently was awful](https://redd.it/10tws9h) (but still a growing experience), so I figured I'd report my experience that was somewhere in the middle. + +Recently had a girl message me on Tinder and the conversation went really well/flowed really naturally. She suggested we meet up, and considering how much I've progressed recently, I figured I wouldn't give myself enough time to reconsider/doubt myself and just said yes. + +I was pretty chill for the most part, but my nerves got the best of me once there were only two hours left before the date, but it still wasn't nearly as bad as it would've been before. + +The date went pretty well. I was pretty nervous, but nothing that was overwhelming. We walked and talked a bunch, went to a small art exhibition, grabbed some ice cream and then I had to leave. + +Overall a very pleasant experience despite the nervousness. I would have neeever in my life had thought that I'd be able to go on a tinder date fully sober. In the past I had to get blackout drunk (+other drugs) to even text people on Tinder, so I'm very very very glad I had the power in me to not cancel or chicken out and actually go through with this, even if nothing might come of it. I'll definitely have more confidence moving forward thanks to this experience. + +Good luck out there!",Personality disorder +51414,"I only see two options in my future Abandon my entire life, leaving everyone and everything behind. Or just kill myself. Or both. + +I let the closest friendships I’ve ever had die because I can’t be a normal person. I never contact people first because I feel like I’m rudely intruding whenever I present myself to someone in any fashion. I don’t even call my own family members and tell them I love them because it feels like anything I do is placing a burden on others. + +I don’t have a plan, I just wanna drive until I run out of money. I just wanna experience what life is like without having the people you know perceive your actions, even if it’s just for a short time before I eventually succumb to my suicidal ideation.",Personality disorder +51415,"Is it possible to have both Avoidant-dismissive attachment style and Avpd? Do any of you have both? + +I read that when you have avoudant-dismissive attachment style, you have often good self-confidence and that's why you can't have Avpd. Is that true? I think they are two different things and while you may feel like you can do things best yourself, it doesn't mean you can't feel shame an inferior to others.",Personality disorder +51416,"Therapy or Attachment Therapy? 50-something gay man here. While I’ve been in therapy for most of my life, because I was always dealing with dysthymia / Persistent Depression, Attachment issues were never discovered or diagnosed. A year ago, TMS put my depression into remission, which has been amazing. Awesome. Endless superlatives. However.... + +With PDD no longer fouling the view, surprise-surprise, I see now that Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment has been playing merrily in my psyche, my attention having been elsewhere. + +I've never had a “real” deep, intimate sexual relationship. (Sex yes.) Friends, yes, but again, none particularly deep. Distancing. Closed off. Difficulty trusting. From what I can tell, DA has influenced, inhibited, even impaired a lot of areas of my life. I’d like to fix or improve those if I can. + +To be honest, I’m a bit concerned -- read ""scared"" -- that I won’t be able to do that. DA is a hard one to move to Secure Attachment. From reading, it looks like it basically takes an intimate SA partner (and therapy) to change an attachment style. Since I haven't even had a crappy intimate relationship, that seems…unlikely. lol + +I have therapist right now. We’ve talked a bit about this. He’s not an expert / certified in Attachment Therapy. Cognitive Behavioral? Yes. General support, especially with the TMS stuff, yes. Given the seeming intractability of DA, I'm wondering if he's right for tackling this? I know DA is an error in cognition… but it’s also wrapped up in feelings and in behaviors that I’m not even aware of. Trauma. Family of origin stuff. There's a lot that goes into DA. And while I've tackled much of this in ""regular"" therapy, I've never come at it from an attachment angle, with someone who specialized in Attachment Theory and styles + +So, in your opinion, is it better to have a therapist that specializes in Attachment Issues or is that not necessary? Will an Attachment group or class suffice? Is changing therapists reasonable here -- I'm up for doing that -- or is that idea someone just another sign of Avoidant / Dismissing behavior? + +While I ain’t dead and have no plans on dying anytime soon — or later, for that matter — I would like to *fix* this DA before I shuffle off. Along those lines, I’d like to stumble and fail at a *real* relationship or two -- I know DA is hard to lessen -- on the off chance that I just succeed at one. I want to improve my life. I’m just trying to figure out the best way to go at it. + +Any advice here would be great.",Personality disorder +51417,"Always unfulfilled by sex? Hey everyone! So I'm a trans woman who is completely and utterly confused by sex. I've (somehow) managed to have sex with multiple different people, yet every time I feel wayyyyyyyy too anxious to actually enjoy any of the pleasure, and instead delegate myself to please my partner instead. When I think about sex it seems appealing, but whenever I actually get to have it, I can't help but panic and be scared that I'm not good enough for them... Is this normal? Can anyone else relate? I don't think I am asexual, since I'm very much so attracted to men and women and everything in between, but any advice would be nice.",Personality disorder +51418,"Just got home from a party… All I did was stand awkwardly by myself in the middle of the room the whole time. Despite drinking and smoking some weed, I felt too *aware* of myself and any potential eyes on me. I’m always so utterly restricted, I never let myself have any fun, never dance, never play any drinking games, participate in karaoke, etc. because I don’t want to people to judge how badly I am doing, I’m scared they would want nothing to do with me if they see how bad at I am at everything. I’m literally terrified of any self-expression and I wish just once I could be normal and let loose and just have fun",Personality disorder +51419,"So i just went on a date... I'm M28, up to this point i have had next to zero experience with dating or women in general. + +I started chatting again with this girl that i had ghosted after asking her out on another app almost exactly a year ago. I was surprised that she would match with me again, this time i decided to go trough with it though. What helped i think is that she is of a pretty similar personality type as me, not a big time texter and sometimes slow to respond etc.. + +I decided to be just totally honest when we met, i told her I'm not the most exciting guy and that I'm pretty boring honestly, but i said it with kind of a smile and a good attitude. We ended up holding hands walking trough the city and i kissed her on the way to my car and again when i dropped her off. + +It felt like there might be some hope after all. She asked me what we should do next time, and i had no answer because i hadn't even considered it could ever come to that. + +&#x200B; + +I just had to tell someone. I'm not trying to brag. If anything its an example that even if your feel inadequate and unworthy, like i do often, its mostly on the inside. I've told myself no-one will ever like me, this is simply untrue, and if you feel this way its most likely untrue for you too.",Personality disorder +51420,"Who else can't let go? Of anything. Of something that you told yourself, that turned out to be wrong, of something someone did. Maybe once. Maybe multiple times. Maybe ALL the time. Of the way you saw life for everyone around you. That on top of the first two. + +Who else just can't let go of someone. Or something. Or many people and many things.",Personality disorder +51421,,Personality disorder +51422,"I'm trying to solve an internal issue externally And I know this wont work but idk what else to do. I just genuinely hate myself and I hope that maybe if I hit my goal weight I can finally have the confidence to talk to people and not feel so awful. Every social interaction feels like I'm being analyzed under a petri dish. + +Logically I know this isn't true but it feels true. This causes me to put on an act, which causes me to not be present with people, which causes the awkwardness that I fear. I'm focused on my facial expressions, if I'm saying the right words with the right tone of voice. My mind goes blank half the time. + +I know that people typically enjoy it when you ask about them and their interests. Yet for some reason I just struggle to talk. I start stuttering, slurring my words, or going so overboard on sounding ""perfect"" that I sound like a robot reading off a script. . + +I just want to relax and enjoy myself. Sometimes I'm able to. Most times I'm not. I'm always waiting to feel embarrassed and then I go back to isolating myself. The motivation for change is there but I'm soooo scared and exhausted.",Personality disorder +51423,Getting uncomfortable around friends/family Is it usual for people with avpd to get unomfortable around their friends/family if they spend too much time in one go or know too much about them? Do they often ghost their friends?,Personality disorder +51424,"are you neurodivergent? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10u5llc)",Personality disorder +51425,"Felt Not Good Enough I was going to go to a meet up group that eats different food around the city and then I canceled. I was so excited and hopeful about making friends, but then I realized how since I got divorced I look so much older and so much chubbier.... I felt I would be able to sense by their reaction to me that I am not good enough and I don't belong. + +So I canceled. I feel sad about it. Also I never have money and I had a little extra cash so this is one of the few times I was going to be able to afford this group. +I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I feel sad and silly.",Personality disorder +51426,"Annoying habit of sighing I sigh a lot. It's just a habit I developed after years of fighting my broken brain. And it's annoying because when I am around people and do that, it apparently gives them feeling like I am tired of them or even irritated, while in fact I am just tired every single second of my life. +It's not exactly avpd trait, I think it's more about being mentally ill in general. It's especially troubling during my work. No actual meaning behind all that, just vent about annoying shit in everyday life.",Personality disorder +51427,"Fear of getting confidence Lately i been watching youtube videos about assertiveness and confidence, but i feel like i can't put it in act, because i believe if i will start to get assertive i would end up in some conflict, so i get in a state of fear of my actions, lately i'm really confused about my behaviours, probably watching even more stuff makes me overthinking even more, i can't relax a bit when i'm outside, i focus only on my body language and i feel like i'm not real sometimes... + +And confidence means illusion for me, my life is empty, i believe i will get disappointed if i illude myself with this fake confidence in life.",Personality disorder +51428,"Do you ever feel sickly from the loneliness/overbearing anxiety? I've been feeling like shit the past few days and I can't help but tie it in with the suffocating loneliness and the fear of... Everything. + +I can't be alone in this, right?",Personality disorder +51429,"my friend (bpd) really exhausts me. i dont think i even wanna be their friend anymore :’) im sick of always being wrong no matter what i do and am expected to know what i did wrong. im tired of constant arguments and always feeling like a shitty human being in the end when i dont even know what i did. im just sick of being misunderstood and never given a chance to explain, and my friend knows im avoidant but doesnt seem to fucking care how i feel anymore + +things were great at first. happy fun friendship lalala and then they became really clingy and wanted to be my favorite. i felt happy at first at the idea because wowww someone really likes me that much?!?!!!! + +then they would always wanna be better than my friends, call, and shower me with compliments. it was sweet and flattering at first.. then, we got into some confusing relationship thing. they never clearly defined what it even was. i was too afraid to back out. it got overwhelming. and eventually i found myself distancing away. + +i was really confused about it all. they explained things terribly. i never knew what exactly they wanted, it was never clear. what i did wrong, what we were, their intentions, anything. they seemed to expect me to know it all but fucking hell i really dont i cant read into things so easily. maybe im flat out stupid + +i told them about avpd and such and they understood and were really nice and understanding at first. then, more arguments, accusations, guilt tripping. + +i get it i was also a shithead in this situation i think + +the guilt tripping, manipulation, expectations, them acting like a victim, im really drained. ive apologized over and over and cried often and its fucked me up + +i know im not perfect but i try my best to be kind and always have good intentions and i tell them that and oh my god they dont get it at all + +theyre a genuinely nice person and i know that. im just so tired of the anger, i cant take it + +no offense to those who have bpd. this person in particular has no self awareness or anything. and i guess they totally just blew off my avpd and just shit on me and it really hurts",Personality disorder +51430,"Autism and AvPD crossover? Hi, so I'm diagnosed with autism, and years ago (about 14) I was diagnosed with social anxiety as well. I recently found out about AvPD and I feel like I relate to the majority of symptoms I've found. + +I checked on the autism subreddit about this, but i found someone arguing that you can't diagnose people with autism and AvPD because it's so hard to tell. Which confused me. + +I'm currently 17, turning 18 in September. I attend a sixth form college, but that is literally the only place I go. I have no remaining friends, even though I really want close friends, and people have tried to make friends with me. I really avoid making friends though, bc I feel so awkward and uncomfortable and trying to interact with people makes me so tired that I can't cope with it. But its a constant struggle between feeling so lonely and really not wanting to talk to anyone. I can't tell if this is specifically just autism or maybe AvPD, because I find a lot of autistic people don't actually avoid making friends, rather just struggle to. + +I can't go anywhere by myself, I've never been to a shop alone before because of who I could have to speak to or if anything went wrong. I feel sick at the idea of actually approaching people or speaking in a group. I can rarely text, I can't make phone calls and I don't like going out, so I lose friends pretty quick, because I essentially ghost them, even when I don't mean to. This is one of the main reasons I don't want to make new friends, because I know I'm not a great friend. In the future, I plan on doing a job either part time or from home because I can't cope with interacting with people. At school, in my free periods, I can't even stand sitting in the same room as others, especially if they're talking. And I can't eat in front of others. I feel like I'm on show. + +These don't apply to my parents or my older sister. If I'm with them, these are easier. + +Originally I thought it was just being autistic, or social anxiety or agoraphobia maybe. But then I found out about AvPD. + +It definitely could just be autism. But I feel so isolated and lonely, but I dont want to be around anybody, and I can't bare the thought of this being my entire life without any chance of it getting better. + +Could anyone maybe just tell me if you have any similar experiences or advice? I'm just not sure what to do.",Personality disorder +51431,"How I respond to short, to the point questions. I think that living inside your own head for too long makes the mind over-work itself. + +https://preview.redd.it/ocw56p9co3ga1.jpg?width=541&format=pjpg&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=010d071045a4ff5fd97d35d355850b3f45cca43a",Personality disorder +51432,"I Just Talked With My Boss... Yeah... let me tell you, I might have nightmares about it. + +My job lets me book working hours at any point of night or day. So I naturally started booking weekends... + +Nobody comes on the weekends, so I stopped preparing as much. This weekend, I went to my job without washing my hear and with home clothes. I thought nobody is going to be there... why did I do that ahhhhh + +Not a long while after I arrived, some of my collegues messages me that he wants me to work for 15-30 minutes more that day, because he left his laptop at a restaurant and he wants to get it back... and he's coming to the office in 30 minutes ;--; + +Welp, they got us + +But my collegue is not by boss right? Why does the title mention my boss then? + +After my collegue arrived, my boss ""dropped in"" xd. He had a conversation with me about me working a little less past month (91h, the limit at my company is 84). He asked me if I'm doing ok and all I was able to think in my head is ""he's checking if I'm not liability and it's one of the last straws, soon I'm going to get fired"". I acutally always feared being fired. The fact that I dropped out of uni and don't have a degree AND this job pays a lot and everyone here is very non-controlling makes it much worse. + +I hate it when my mind just hyper-focuses on someone's face and picks up their micro expressions, then concludes they have no respect for me. + +Of course, all of this is projection... but relly, it would be terrible if I lost this job. I have no qualification, and I only got here because I was recommended + they have a policy that they always hire.",Personality disorder +51433,"New here. A work related conundrum. I'm a male in my late 30s, struggling to find traction in terms of being able to support myself. Recently, I've only lasted a few weeks in a couple of different environments, retail and warehouse. I could do the actual jobs well enough but I get tripped up socially, targeted by others, and quit as a consequence. + +I've had a difficult time throughout my adult years sustaining employment. There have been times where I had long term prospects but they ultimately ended badly. This has me in a pretty desperate mindset and I've decided to seek services for help finding something suitable. + +What I want, ideally, is to have a space to work as independently as possible, with low social expectations and predictable responsibilities. I've been doing some gig work off and on, which meets those requirements, but that isn't a reliable income (and you burn through gas). + +My wife, who makes OK income, is being as patient and supportive as possible with me but we need a second income, especially with living costs skyrocketing. It's crucial that I maintain a job so that I can keep the marriage stable and avoid homelessness, which is what would likely happen if things fall apart. We don't have kids so at least that isn't an issue at stake. + +I should add that I'd never qualify for disability benefits given my education and work history. + +What have others done to be able to support themselves, long term? What accommodations, if any, have you asked for in a job? And finally, has anyone significantly improved their self-image and ability to handle the BS at work? + +Thanks for reading.",Personality disorder +51434,,Personality disorder +51435,"I finally won my disability case! Hi everyone! I want to share hope if you struggle with your mental health. It took me about 2 years but on my 3rd appeal where I went in front of the judge, I was granted disability for my struggles with my mental health! I’m so relieved, so happy to finally have someone recognize me for what I deal with every day. + +I’m thankful for all the years I hopped from job to job, struggling, for this helped increase my monthly payment amount. It was worth it now. Now I can devote my full attention for healing and continue to better myself. Life is good 💚 Feels good to share something positive for once.",Personality disorder +51436,Hating any kind of attention I definitely start to avoid people once I pick up on any small hint they’ve started to dislike me. But does anyone panic and start to avoid people if they show too much interest? It’s like I can’t tolerate more than a moderate level of attention directed towards me and I feel the need to disappear. My therapist calls it dissociating from people.,Personality disorder +51437,"Motivation Maybe I'm just pathetic, but I feel like I need someone in my life for motivation. I once had someone interested in me (I think anyway lol) and I was the most motivated I had ever been in my whole life. If you're just alone, it's hard to say motivated IMO. I realize this is probably a flawed way of thinking, and I know that you shouldn't rely on other people, but I just feel like I need someone to give me that spark. I feel like a hopeless romantic with zero romantic experience.",Personality disorder +51438,"Do you have people you can trust? It is often said that we avoid people unless we have full confidence on them. I kind of confirm that. I am more comfortable with my brother, my mother, my grandmother, my cousin, longtime friends, etc. Would AvPD then be a problem of trust in the others? What do you think?",Personality disorder +51439,"group chat attention don’t you hate it when your message stays the last on a group chat? +so much attention, I end up deleting my messages later on.",Personality disorder +51440,"I'm a burden (20F) I moved back home to help my mom lessen the load that's on her with houseworks, physical illness and a stressful season at work. I wanted to get a job to aid the financial situation and to do as much housework as possible so that she'd be relieved. + +Instead, I'm avoiding all the job opportunities, high on anxiety if I manage to land an interview, rejecting the final offer in doubts of my ability to fulfill the employers expectations. I can't imagine myself doing any of the jobs properly so basically I don't even try them. + +And not only that, I've drifted into depression again and have regular involuntary outbursts of crying even in front of her. Which of course puts even more pressure on her. + +I'm a burden, I live off of my parents, not contributing due to my goddamn diminished self worth and avoidant patterns. I have a therapist, but the sessions are just once a week and of course it takes time to establish what we're working on and to start changing the patterns. It's been a month now though and so far so avoidant and depressed. I'm starting to get impatient because I don't want to be a burden any longer. Kinda wishing I never existed because if I unalive myself now, it's going to be just as much of a burden as if I stay alive, avoidant.",Personality disorder +51441,"How would I go about telling a person with AvPD how much I admire them? From what I understand of this disorder, it would be difficult/near impossible to actually make them believe it. Is there any way I could? Is it worth trying regardless of the end result? Would it make them uncomfortable? + +Thank you for any responses :)",Personality disorder +51442,Any hypochondriacs here? Except for me? Like I think about suicide all of the time. But had HIV scare and now think I will get paralized from vaccine shot since I have some weird symptoms. I am OCD about it can't think about anything else.,Personality disorder +51443,"People usually feel very highly of me at first And when I see this I always wonder how long it’ll take them to feel disappointed in me and that I am completely different than what they thought about me. + +From experience it usually takes 1-2 weeks. + +I don’t know what vibes I give that some people just have this assumption that I must be some great person.",Personality disorder +51444,"Anyone else here forever alone? Usually I’m fine, I’ve known I’ll be alone for years, but sometimes the reality of it all comes crashing in. I have so much love to give, but il never get to experience it, being wanted by another person, being loved or being able to love. The thing that 99% of the population will experience, i am denied access to because I happened to receive some shit luck from the universe. How am I meant to accept that? I’ve watched my friends who were just like me, grow into capable adults, experiencing relationships and new friendships while I haven’t moved at all. I’m still the same stupid fucking kid I was at 16, terrified of the world and all the people in it. I am certain my brain wasn’t built for life, not in this world. + +This disorder is fucking brutal, it’s completely ruined my life, all I wanted was to be normal. But now I’m doomed to this loneliness for life. And I can’t ignore it, every piece of media, every time I leave the house, there’s love and couples everywhere. And I’m not mad at them, good for them, I’m just struggling to accept the fact that everybody else gets to experience it and i happen to be one of the unlucky few that doesn’t, all thanks to avpd. It hurts too fucking much, the loneliness eats away at you, all I asked was to feel wanted or validated by even 1 human being but apparently even that is too much. It’s not even about the sex at all, I just want to feel someone else’s warmth, have somebody fall asleep on my chest, feeling safe and secure in my presence, trusting me enough to open up to eachother. + +Avpd is so horrible, this loneliness will 100% drive me to suicide, I’m not far off as it is. No human was meant to live like this, I wouldn’t even call it living. Sure you can survive with avpd, but I don’t think anyone can really say they’re really ‘living’, if I knew I was gonna have to live with this shit I’d have killed myself in the fucking womb, I wish my mum did, she deserves better. Sry for the stupid drunk rant, just had to vent it somewhere. I hate myself so fucking much, I never should have existed, avpd is just too cruel, how can this be my life, how am I mean to be ok with that, how am I meant to participate in society like every one else? I wish I was dead, I should be dead, there’s just no point struggling with the rest of my life if it’s going to be alone. It already hurts this bad, I will not let myself become an old, even lonelier man looking back on a wasted life, wishing I’d have just ended it earlier",Personality disorder +51445,"I want to be there for others But I feel so blocked off. It's funny how I complain about people who are unavailable to me, as I am unavailable to everyone else. Especially my younger sibling. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for how I treat him. + +I feel like I'm repeating the cycle that I went through. I completely avoid my younger brother and I've ruined our bond. He doesn't even look at me, and it's my fault because I wouldn't even look at him. I'm sure that hurt him. + +It may not seem like it, but I do try and care about him. When he does look at me I try to make sure I smile. I know how important that is for children. When he asks for a hug I'll give it, even if I don't want to. When he wants to show me something I try to ask questions and give him praise for his creative works. + +I don't do this often enough though. I avoid him because I don't have much to give. Kids in general make me feel uneasy because they need so much from their caretakers, I feel inadequate that I can't give them that. He reminds me of myself when I was younger and it makes me uncomfortable, because I rejected that part myself a long time ago.. + +Kids are authentically themselves, until society molds them. I can already see it happening with him. He's quieter than he used to be. He doesn't look people in the eyes. He shuffles nervously. He stutters. He hides. All things I used to do when I began rejecting myself. I still do these things. My authentic self is locked away, she's still there, but shes completely hidden. + +It's like I want to save my brother before he goes down the same route as me, but I can't even save myself. I just hope he can forgive me :(",Personality disorder +51446,"Social days Do you guys ever have those days where you talk more to people, laugh more and just be happier in general? A day where you don't feel so dead, so unacceptable. I have those days at times and then it goes back to the way it was; being scared of people, my confidence dropping low again and feeling like a void of loneliness.",Personality disorder +51447,"does anybody else get overly hurt and offended when somebody comments about how quiet you are? +I’ve been the quiet girl my entire life and I cannot tell you how many times during school and now work I’ve heard people tell me how quiet I am. One of my teachers once called me “the quietest girl they’d ever known” and I would always get called a mute or asked if I ever talked. And I can’t explain why but every time someone says that to me or even pokes fun at me for it I have to hold back tears and just smile or lightly laugh it off. I don’t even know what to say when someone says that and it makes me feel even worse. I would even go as far as to say it ruins my day because my brain just fixates on that and tells me there’s something wrong with me over and over and it’s all I can think about. I hate it. I know I’m not normal, I know I’m quiet, I know I don’t talk much, so why does it hurt so much when someone tells me that?",Personality disorder +51448,"Other people have a better image of me than I have of myself. And, that both frightens me and gives me hope. That is all.",Personality disorder +51449,"sudden sense of self awareness making you want to leave social situations? Have you been in social situations that's *actually going well*, then suddenly you get this wave of self awareness like ""oh yeah, I'm me and I'm probably weirding everyone out"" so you step away to avoid any further cringing? + +What is this and how do I get it to stop? 💀",Personality disorder +51450,"constantly drawing a blank/brain fog i honestly feel like i've had a brain injury of some sort. in like 80% of conversations, even with family members, i simply have no idea what to say in a conversation. my mind is a complete blank, even in what would be a pretty standard, 'easy' conversation. it's like i'm paralysed or something. i either mumble something only to retract it, or just say nothing at all. it's awful, and it makes me not want to talk to people even more because i don't want to put them in an awkward, uncomfortable situation and make them think even worse of me. i'm really pessimistic about ever making friendships or even mere acquaintances nowadays. i literally have nothing to say, i feel so socially inept that i just don't bother anymore. + +it didn't used to be this way, either. i was confident, talkative, i had friends who i'd talk with long into the night. even with people who weren't my friends, i could still hold a pretty decent conversation. where did that go? it feels like that part of me just left one day, i don't know why or even when it did. it just left. + +i'm usually pretty fine about this. i don't crave intimacy or friendship and am pretty content by myself. but sometimes it just hits me how screwed i am. a family member had surgery recently and i texted them to see how they were doing. that resulted in them trying to have a conversation, what with them being on bedrest and all, but my responses were so... bad. they seemed to think so too, because they stopped replying, haha. i can't blame them in the least for it, too. i wish it wasn't this way, but i don't think there's much i can do about it either. this blankness, it feels like it'll be there forever. like some kind of inpenetrable fog muffling my thoughts, blocking off any higher function. + +DAE experience this kind of thing? does it get better with time? how do you deal with it, if at all?",Personality disorder +51451,"Isolation 10 Years: Lonely and want Love Hello, this is my first time posting on here! I’m 26 (F) and have never been in a relationship. I have no friends. When I was in high school I had one friend but we parted and went separate ways. So the past couple years all I have been doing is listening to music with headphones on, playing games, watching films and daydreaming about love. I sometimes go out for walks in nature. I wish I could do fun stuff with someone one day. + +I recently came across someone who I’m interested in. We’ve talked and they seem nice. We have similar interests but I’m afraid of speaking up and telling them how I feel. It sucks having this because my negative self talk wins and I run away from people. Sigh, this is hard! :(",Personality disorder +51452,"Can you be outgoing and have AvPD? I'm very worried about my brother (29) and not sure how to help him so I've been doing research and a lot of the characteristics of AvPD seem to match. He's my roommate and he hasn't worked in 2 years and just stays home all day on his computer the majority of his time and will not get a job. However, his personality is very outgoing and he's like the ""life of the party"" when we he is out. He just doesn't want to do anything and my parents said he has been like this since he was a kid. I'm pretty sure he has expressed he feels like he wasn't good enough since he was a kid, he's dyslexic so he was never able to get good grades and had to try lots of different schools, etc. I don't know how to help him because he says he's fine and doesn't open up to anyone so I really have no idea what's going on in his head.",Personality disorder +51453,"i was a real person… and then i ruined everything went through my facebook conversations from years ago today and i got so emotional. i used to speak to so many people. and i sounded so neurotypical. a lot of the messages from these ppl were rlly sweet + +i started crying bc i couldn’t believe there was a time when people actually loved me. i’m so used to people being disgusted /repulsed by me. like no one i’ve met in the past few years has actually liked me + +i used to be real - i had hopes, dreams, stories to share. i was physically attractive and (moderately) smart. + +it all went downhill when i moved abroad for college. i’ve always struggled socially so when i realized that i didn’t have to talk to ppl to survive, i isolated myself + +4 years later and i’m a completely different person. there is nothing inside me. i’m empty. just a lifeless being waiting for death. i don’t recognize the girl that wrote those texts. + +my cognitive abilities have significantly declined - i used to write so well and now i can’t even string a coherent sentence together. i’m so negative and hateful. i have zero empathy. i cannot carry a conversation anymore. i’m constantly disassociated from reality. i haven’t had friends in years. the only people i talk to are my parents and my grandma + +i’d to anything to go back in time and fix it all. ☹️ that girl didn’t deserve what i did to her.",Personality disorder +51454,"Realizing that the world doesn't care about your feelings and your life-story is sort of liberating. It's helping me resolve my avoidant characteristics. + +It's helping me fight off people's neuroticism and hystericism.",Personality disorder +51455,"Communication When you have avpd, you avoid forming relationships, ight?Therefore most of us prefer living like hermits. The point I am trying to make is, is there anyone else who notice that they can't carry even simplest chit chats?When someone tries to talk to me and asks anything, I try my best to come up with an answer but it feels like there is some sort of static in my head, the white noise. I guess it's because I heavily prefer my fantasies over real life 😅",Personality disorder +51456,"Can you force yourself to talk to people? Two weeks ago I would’ve sworn I had avpd but I think maybe I just wasn’t trying hard enough to talk to people all these years. Like part of me was scared so I gave up. Because now I am actually trying and it is getting easier. And I’m forcing myself to talk and (trying to) be open with people and yes it’s hard as fuck and I still have social anxiety but I am actually doing it. Thoughts? Would it be a lot harder if I had avpd? + +It’s still hard but the thing is it gets easier every time I talk to someone. And I was homeschooled and also had no social contact outside my family for like 8 months so I have a lot of inexperience.",Personality disorder +51457,"I can't win *rant incoming* Somewhat recently someone at work who saw I was very avoidant actually decided to talk to me and encourage me to get more connected to people. I took some of it to heart and did just that even if it was just online. I had some nice little projects going on, met some great people but then everything just went sideways in my life all at once and now I'm slipping back into being almost entirely invisible again and I don't want to be but it feels like all I have to offer now because of it is negativity right now. In a nutshell a lot of family stuff went down and I even am now having a technical problem with my music project I can't find out the issue of and I'm just spending more and more money trying to fix it. The one thing. I found that I enjoy doing and was finally making progress with completely over the course of a single night went under for me. I swear it's like I'm cursed. Everything I love turns to crap and any good times I have in life are always immediately at some point halted by complete tragic BS. It never ends and I just retreat back into myself again repeating all of the old cycles. Is there anyone that can relate? I don't expect any solutions cause I don't even think there is any besides just doing my thing and moving on.",Personality disorder +51458,"Casual dating How do you deal with casually dating? Got out of an long term relationship a few months ago, wasn't looking for anything serious and just dating for fun. And then the man I was dating told me he was hitting it off with his ex gf again. And I started to spiral badly down the I'm not good enough hole.. although I'm not even looking for a serious relationship. Sometimes it's difficult to differentiate between normal human experience and my disorder in terms of what are socially expected feelings or behaviors in these kind of situations.",Personality disorder +51459,"How do you feel about social media? Having it, posting, seeing what other people are up to etc.. +Reddit doesn’t count. I’m referencing instagram, Facebook etc where you have to put public information about yourself in there",Personality disorder +51460,"Hello, new here Hello everyone, lurker for a small while now. I'm 24M. + +I'm in the process of getting diagnosed, cause my life is shit and I continually fail at anything and have no friends and never had a romantic relationship. Everything points to AvPD according to the psychiatric place I'm being diagnosed in, so I figured I'd check out the sub some time ago. I resonate with a lot of people in here, so I felt like I'd chip in a bit. + +I've essentially lived in complete isolation for 3-4 months now except to buy groceries (on sick leave from my vocational school), only very rarely seeing family in that time. All social interaction is through online games (not that this has ever really been much different), which I do think help ground me a bit more in reality. I know that some of you guys have gone years without even that, and I'm sorry to hear it. I want to get better, finish my education, have one or two friends, a Roma tic relationship and a job. But life is fucking hard and most of the time it feels like a fact that none of it will ever happen, seriously fuck living like this. + +I'm getting a little hope from knowing more about AvPD and that I most likely am about to be diagnosed, so I can get help, but even still I've had times today where I just feel like human waste that shouldn't be allowed to exist. I'm scared of getting hurt so I've never attempted suicide, even though I've fantasized about it a lot. I also couldn't bring myself to do anything like it because of my family, sometimes they're all that holds me from crossing my fear. + +Anyways onto more non-death related shit, earlier I ordered food and have put a note to the delivery driver to just ring the doorbell and place it on the mat. I really hope they got the note, cause I look fucking terrible and struggle with taking regular baths. Besides my apartment looks so bad I'd rather not have anyone look inside, so yeah kinda just hope to be able to pick up my food in peace. + +That's all I have for today, besides all the shit everyone here struggles with, I wish you the best possible day",Personality disorder +51461,"Are you a misanthrope? Just wondering, because my avoidance is, next to many reasons, a result of misanthropy. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10rp684)",Personality disorder +51462,"Do you think/feel your therapist ""gets"" you and your AVPD ? if you have or had a therapist. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10rsbtu)",Personality disorder +51463,"awful interaction, never again A talks to me, B is her friend. transcript of bits of the conversation: + +A: “hi (name)!!!” +*i didn’t know how to answer* +A: “you’re so funny, you know that?” +A: “hi (name)!!!” +*panicking* +A: “you’re really funny hahahaha!” +this repeats for very long. + +A: “omg you’re so interesting i am super interested okay. wow you’re so mysterious!” +B: “stop being so fake, it’s so obvious.” +A: “shut up, don’t listen to B.” +B: “she’s lying.” + +A: “i didn’t know that about you!!!!!! omg B did you know that he likes (this and that)? i’m so excited this is so interesting!” + +B: “stop he doesn’t want to talk to you it’s obvious.” +A: “hey (name), you love to talk to me right? i’m nice to talk to right?” + +A: “why aren’t you talking to me?? is it because i’m annoying? tell me!!!” + +A: “why don’t you ever talk???? you’re like so mysterious okay i know nothing about you! do you just not like to talk? that’s so sad!!!!” + +i was forced to give her my instagram. + +A (to B): “look i got (name)‘s instagram!! such an achievement, you don’t even have it!” + + + +it feels like i’m a zoo animal, the way she talks to B in front of my face like how visitors excitedly talk to their friends after a monkey imitates their actions.",Personality disorder +51464,The regret of avoidance I've spent my whole life avoiding social situations that cause discomfort. I feel for me personally the end result has been not feeling a sense of fulfillment. This life is so short and we have to make the absolute best of it we can while we are able to. But I let everything fall by the wayside. I let my avoidance control me and continue to fail to accomplish anything or hold fulfilling relationships. Even if I miraculously get it under control I'll still have all of these years I spent in isolation doing nothing of value. I fear that on my deathbed I'll be alone looking back on my life in regret. Does anybody else feel this? That their time has been somewhat robbed by AvPD? I know it falls on me to make the change and that I can't play the victim but the regret is still there.,Personality disorder +51465,,Personality disorder +51466,"This shit SUCKS can’t even freely express yourself and connect with people + +Being ugly has made me feel like a FUCKING ROBOT. I’m sooo fucking jealous of everyone everywhere. Everyone at my job has these personalities that they just express without thinking of how the other person will perceive them. They crack lame jokes witty jokes and everyone laughs and accepts it and they all act like they’re brothers and sisters. Of course I’m the fucking outcast who is quiet all the time and doesn’t say anything but robotic one liners…. BECAUSE I FEEK LIKE THATS ALL I CAN DO. Anytime I’ve tried being funny and more comfortable I got shot down so many times. People would say “who tf says that” “shut up” or just flat out ignore me opposed to how they laugh with each other and and add on to each other’s jokes + +I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say every fucking time I’m talking to anyone. People have said “kobes weird hes too quiet hes a loner” but like I’m only quiet cause I feel like people will consider me lame and annoying if I try expressing myself and talking to them… it’s not fair no one else has these fears and I’m essentially trapped in my brain locked out from making any meaningful connections + +The worst part is I don’t even think this is fixable. It’s been this way for basically my whole life. Like whenever I tried to take a leap and express myself I’ve mostly been shot down and looked at like I was special needs and it’s dehumanizing and isolating I don’t know what tf to do. I’m so sick of being cursed to ugliness and this sub I just want to live my fucking life and connect with people + +I feel like when YOURE ugly you’re not allowed to really express yourself and joke like everyone else because people will automatically take offense to it + +So unfortunately even tho I want to connect with people I stay to myself cause I feel like I’m unbearably boring and awkward and like people don’t like me and would rather not talk to me soo… fuck",Personality disorder +51467,"Anyone else here have a fear of emotional burdens? It's the one thing that drives me insane. + +I am sick of being surrounded by adults who are an emotional burden on me. + +I don't mind material burdens. + +But, emotional ones? + +They scare me to death.",Personality disorder +51468,"Fear of harming others I wonder if this applies to you guys as well, because, honestly, this may just be my quirk. + +I noticed that I don’t contribute much to conversations because I have this weird fear of accidentally offending or hurting the people I’m talking to. It’s like walking on eggshells: I overthink everything a thousand times before actually saying it. + +It’s also why I shy away from relationships. I don’t want my partner to be unhappy because of me, so I don’t even try.",Personality disorder +51469,"I'm ashamed of myself. I met a girl online in November and we tried to hit it off. It was a sort of long distance relationship, since she lives about an hour's drive from me, not critical, but we don't have a car (neither of us) or days off to see eachother too often. In fact, we've never met. + +On new year's eve, she was attacked by a mutual acquaintance and she got bummed out and always kept apologizing when she thought she offended me. + +I felt so bad every time. I ""broke up"" a few days ago (I dont know if you can really call it a break up since we never even met yet) because I felt like garbage and I didn't want her to depend on me, since I don't even know what to do to take care of myself. + +I didn't even have the courage to hear her afterwards. I apologized in advance in my last message to her and archived and silenced her chat before she could even text me back. + +I... + +Pat me on the back pls...",Personality disorder +51470,"Any good books about avpd? Does anyone know of any good books about avoidant personality disorder? When I search Amazon, not that many come up and the two main ones that are from a psychologist are $50!",Personality disorder +51471,"What is your Myers-Briggs personality? I am apperently ISTP-T based of [16personalities](https://www.16personalities.com). + +What is your personality? You can take test on the link I shared, it’s free.",Personality disorder +51472,,Personality disorder +51473,"Tired of needing “Communication Skills” to survive in this world. As someone with a speech impediment (Childhood Apraxia of Speech) and (currently undiagnosed) AVPD, along with selective mutism, It’s frustrating that this whole society seems to be based off social interaction. I’m almost 18 and realized that I should be looking for a (temporary) job by then so I’m not a complete failure living in their parents house (no offense to anyone who does, I set high standards for myself.) I see everyone else around my age and younger getting the easiest jobs where they literally just have to sit at a cash register all day and they get some good money. It’s frustrating me to my core as I can never get an easy job like them as I can’t handle social interaction or talking. I try to look for alternative jobs but every single one of them pops up with “Requires excellent communication skills” or “Verbal communication required.” Even working as a stocker or in a kitchen apparently requires communication! For the life of me I can not communicate well with people as I automatically freeze up and go into panic mode inside. Even at the small school I volunteer at I can barely even force out a word, I just do my job silently before leaving. They probably are only letting me help out of pity. I even considered being a police officer for a while until I realized that you needed communication for that too. I’m more fucking scared of talking to people then of tackling down murders. Today my girlfriend was looking for tutoring jobs and I just cried seeing how easy it is for her and everyone else not having to even care about social interaction. I hate living in this world that’s built around people who can talk.",Personality disorder +51474,,Personality disorder +51475,"everytime I think a potential relationship is on the cusp of improving, I end up being wrong and then I go back to being alone",Personality disorder +51476,"How do you deal with work? After having gotten in trouble at work for showing up late and being tired at work multiple times now and realizing that while I‘m in training I‘ve mostly been given boring tasks where I learn nothing and this won’t change anytime soon, I‘ve now not shown up to work and ghosted everybody from work two days straight. My country has decent labour laws regarding trainees so they probably won’t attempt to fire me yet, but I‘m definitely getting closer and closer to being in danger. + +I need to finish this training because I wanna go to university, which I can’t otherwise. I‘m 25 and need to move forward in life sometime to get to a place where I can actually do something interesting for a living or I‘m gonna go crazy. + +I work an office job. How do you guys deal with workplace issues? What has worked for you? Help…",Personality disorder +51477,,Personality disorder +51478,"AvPD is neglected disorder So there are beliefs that AvPD is caused by neglect of parents or caretakers. + +And then when you grow up you realize you have this and even this disorder itself is neglected. + +So individuals having this disorder are basically neglected in every way for their entire life. From parents neglecting them, to society neglecting their disorder. 🫠",Personality disorder +51479,"Do you guys ever wonder why you couldn’t have just had a normal life like everyone else? My life was normal until my father died at 7 and my mom left at 9. I experienced childhood trauma, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and neglect by the people that raised me. Not only that, I come from a strict religious immigrant family so along with all those issues, I was never allowed to leave the house much. My family also never went out and did anything and they also never showed me any love or affection. + +This was my life growing up until I finally moved out at 22. I’ve since been doing better for myself as I’ve graduated college and have a career now. But the damage was so severe that I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover. My upbringing made me lonely that I never had many friends. Verbal abuse made me mute and unable to talk back so I can’t talk with cluttering. I do not have much confidence or self esteem. I still do this day don’t have many friends or much of a social life. I also have a hard time dating and at 28 still have not hooked up with a girl outside is kissing and making out. + +I look at my life and the look at everyone else. They all had loving caring parents, siblings to play with, and grew up with all the love and compassion in the world. They have many friends, they have boyfriends, they have girlfriends, they don’t have speech issues, etc. They just seem to be able to live life normally unlike me. + +I did nothing wrong to deserve the things that happened to me as a kid as all of it out of out my control. But sometimes I ask myself, why me? Just why? I was given only one life on this planet, why did my life go like this? Why does everyone else get love and compassion while I got nothing but misery?",Personality disorder +51480,"3 practices I use to alleviate my social anxiety QUICKLY. NOW, FOR many this is a reminder... If you want something natural and holistic, free, self driven,..etc this may be for you. I share my thoughts here: + +[https://youtube.com/live/L8aE5a-3bds](https://youtube.com/live/L8aE5a-3bds) + +[\(My page theme\)](https://preview.redd.it/11ba8eu2ulfa1.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&v=enabled&s=928341e12b4e948e79c749875b90f67b75ee0f46)",Personality disorder +51481,"You really do have to be your own best friend 🥲 I got rejected recently and it caused me to spiral really *badly*. My brain went straight into ""see, I knew you weren't good enough"", ""ofc you're not their type"", ""ofc they only wanted you for your body"", ""nobody will want you romantically"" + +It got so bad that I started having physical pains. I had to literally interrupt that mean voice and say ""woah, you're hurting yourself and you need to stop"". It takes practice but it's very important to interrupt that shitty inner critic. Its going to look for any proof that you're not good enough and you have to challenge it + +So I reminded myself ""hey, maybe this person genuinely meant it when they said they're not ready for a relationship"". I had to tell myself maybe they have their own emotional blocks that's stopping them. And I had to refer to my fav quote of all time when it comes to rejection ""you can be the ripest peach, and there's always someone that just doesn't like peaches"" + +Please, if you're able to, create that positive voice that challenges negative thoughts. It's not a cure ofc but over time you will start to have more compassion for yourself and your inherent value.",Personality disorder +51482,"Avpd, Adhd, anxiety, being an adult. Me again having another midlife crisis? I can't function in life. I have adhd and may have a bunch of other problems so I don't know if it's related to avpd or not. + +I forgot to take my thyroid hormone two days straight and I also didn't buy my antidepressants for some stupid reason. When I finally went to buy them, they were out of stock. So yesterday I was super sad and vulnerable and also feeling physically drained like was going to pass out. Then came the anxiety and crying. + +Today, thanks to my mom, I bought my life numbing drugs (after being scolded like a kid), and I'm having another melt down. I don't know who I am anymore. Am I this mess of a person or is it the drugs? When I'm ok am I really ok? I feel so incompetent, so stupid, so weak. I can't take care of myself. My house is messy even though I try every single day to make it beautiful, I have no job (and zero courage or motivation to get one), no independence. I feel so scared of everything, of being alone in the end, and dying alone. And knowing my life depends on me taking the thyroid hormones doesn't help. + +I need people so much but I'm terrified to reach out and be rejected. I'm afraid my husband will leave me even though he is super caring and loving. I'm afraid once people see the black hole in my chest they'll run away. I shouldn't need another human being like this since I'm in my 30s already. + +Don't even know where I'm going with this post. I just feel like life is incredibly hard for me but only in my head. I have it easy and I'm struggling to survive and maybe it'll always be like this because of avpd....?",Personality disorder +51483,"Does Philosophy Interests You? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10qopnv)",Personality disorder +51484,"Tired of bottling it all up I want to be able to talk to someone deeply about my avoidance and other issues, I can’t stand keeping it all inside me anymore, but I feel like once I start talking about these things to anyone I just come across as victimizing myself. +I’m slowly losing connections day by day but even when indirectly called out for it by friends or family, I still can’t find the courage to do anything about it. + +I know I’m capable of developing strong relationships given enough time, but the problem is most people don’t have that patience, or they’re unable to reason with my POV.",Personality disorder +51485,"I made my feelings known despite knowing I wasn't going to get the results I wanted. I told someone how I truly felt about them. I knew I wasn't going to get the results I wanted, but their reply was sweet and gentle and did not come across as complete rejection. I walked away from the conversation in no more pain than I was in when I started it. I can at least live knowing that I didn't let my anxiety keep my from taking the chance. I don't think anything will change between us as a result of the conversation, which is good as they are a good friend of mine and I would hate to lose that. + +Life has been weird lately, I have discussed my feelings about this person with someone else which is something I wouldn't have ever thought I could do. I think that has helped me gather the strength to talk to the other person directly. Whatever works, right?",Personality disorder +51486,"Invisibility!! I think today's the first day I truly felt invisible, and I'm honestly glad. It was my first in-person class in a while and required discussion participation for a grade. But all I had to say was one sentence and then I could happily mind my own business. It's incredibly relieving to just do your own thing, not wonder about what others think of you, and not be expected to be a vital member of the class. That's why it's so important to learn about yourself to be comfortable in your own skin, to the point where you feel that you don't have to justify being yourself.",Personality disorder +51487,"Is anyone else full of love but unable to express it? Does anyone else really love and care for those around you but feel physically incapable of expressing it? Not just verbally but by interacting with them at all. I'll go to family events and think how much I love everyone there but am too anxious to join in on talking to people. I feel like people think I don't like them when that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm so uncomfortable and embarrassed by expressing affection itself too. It's like there's this block in my head that prevents me from getting the words out. + +This is why I know I'd be incapable of a romantic relationship (never had one). These things are a crucial part of them but I'm incapable of doing them.",Personality disorder +51488,"Emotionally-stunted and Emotionally-needy parents Anyone have those? + +They are especially dangerous because they will pass their emotional burdens onto you when you're still a child. + +Thereby, hindering your own emotional development and making it harder for you to address the emotional needs of other people like you're supposed to be able to do as adults.",Personality disorder +51489,"i don’t think i have the capacity to be a good friend the last time my (only) friend was in a terribly dark place i left her messages unread for two days, and when i *finally* felt like i could actually handle responding i could barely come up with two pathetic fucking sentences. i appreciate that she left it on read and hasn't brought it up again instead of telling me just how absolutely shitty and unhelpful i was. + +now, she's tweeting about feeling ""stranded on a desserted island by myself,"" less than an hour ago, and i feel like such a selfish disgusting piece of shit but I don't know how to comfort her or be there for her at all bc i don't feel like i can handle it. i can hardly handle my own bullshit. I can't be of any help. I can't even just listen and be a shoulder to cry on good enough bc i'm too much of a coward. + +i think i just deserve to be alone. to rot. i'm not worthy of connections or relationships. they're meant to be two-sided and I can't hold up my end up the bargain. i hope i die alone so i stop hurting people.",Personality disorder +51490,"PMS and AvPD I have been feeling okay for quite a while now, I'm hyperfocusing on things that make me happy so my brain is just too busy to think about negative things. However, i know for a fact my AvPD gets significantly worse when my period is approaching. My mood plummets entirely, I start becoming really mistrustful of other people's intentions, I isolate and i completely lose hope in the future. There's also a really important exam coming up soon and I really want to have 100% of my head in the game rather than worrying about how much of a terrible failure I am and how everyone actually pretends to tolerate me but would rather have me gone from their lives. +Any advice from anyone who has a good strategy with dealing with PMS and AvPD at the same time?",Personality disorder +51491,"School years Hello, I’m a teenager that needs to go to school. +My “scholar first day” of the year is close! +Got no friends. +It’s the school I studied at my whole life. I was too afraid to move to a different one. +It’s my last year of school. +First year alone, my friend had to go… +Everyone, smh, knows me as the weird, quiet, nerd, lonely, (and more, like asocial) kid. +It’s been a year since I got diagnosed with that thing. +I made so much sense, I thought I could finally move on and magically turn very social and all…… wrong. +I didn’t what to be by my self, I feel so awkward. +But I am scared of people, omg! +Any advice? I feel like I have nothing else to do, but to say no word all day, blame myself, isolate much more… +I like to study. I hate school. I can’t socialize no matter what (at least say “good morning”)",Personality disorder +51492,"Nobody takes an interest in me, so I stopped taking an interest in myself For as long as I can remember, all my friendships have been due to me taking the initiative. Asking the other person about their life and making plans. If I stop doing this, I stop having friends. + +I wonder what this says about me. The only thing that comes to mind when facing this fact is ""Am I that reprehensible?"". And I know that sounds like I am expecting things of people but isn't a friendship supposed to be a 2-way street? + +I feel so crushingly lonely when I think about all this. There's this video from Kurzgesagt about loneliness and in that they say that the feeling of loneliness has the evolutionary purpose of saving you from the threat of being excluded from the tribe. If these were the days when humans lived in tribes I would basically be deemed to not be worthy of survival. + +Every friendship that starts has so much at stake for me. I can't face another one-sided thing. It's such a slap in the face, like I'm not worth knowing. Which is why I avoid investing myself in anything nowadays. + +These strings of continuous unreciprocated experiences have left me incapable of taking care of myself. Everything I do for myself feels not worth doing. Even talking about myself feels like a waste of time. If I try so hard to be part of the world and it rejects me, why should I care to survive at all?",Personality disorder +51493,"Having avpd is Hell’s Kitchen but you’re both Gordon and a contestant 🤦🏻‍♂️ My inner critic sounds exactly like Gordon Ramsay screaming and throwing pots and pans down at people’s feet when I say something awkward + +Where’s my restaurant for all this effort?! Lmao",Personality disorder +51494,"I did it: I gave up my old life So yeah, I did it. Or atleast I am doing it. I dont't know what will happen next. It was always a distant dream of mine to just leave everything behind. Maybe you can relate. + +I quit my job and my appartment. I left my cozy first world country with a one way ticket to India. Currently I am touring Rajestan on a motorcycle. The only contact to my ""old"" life is my family. Even though I would like to cut contact I can't bring myself to do it. It would break my mothers heart. + +I eat way too much (seriously the food is amazing) and get stared and begged at alot because i am a western guy. Some days I don't leave my hotel room. Other days I drive 300km on busy roads. + +You probably know this feeling. The ambivalence is killing me. I love being alone but at the same time I miss not being alone. And often I think doing this was a big mistake. The whole experience is.. meh.. + +And because I dont know where to go or what to do planning anything is impossible. Right now I have 50k in savings. But what for? + +The only thing I always hear in my head is: ""Wherever you go there you are"". And atleast that's true. + +Thanks for reading, if you have any questions feel free to ask. :) + +Advice is also greatly appreciated",Personality disorder +51495,,Personality disorder +51496,"I finally gathered the courage to ask for an AVPD evaluation. Just got a response in my e-mail and I started procrastinating to not open it. I just received an e-mail with an answer and I started freaking out and writing this message in order to delay my opening it. Could that be considered a symptom? lol + +Now, seriously, I've never even spoken about this out loud with anyone and I'm freaking out right now. Will I be able to go get tested? It's so silly, but I'm afraid I will only have regular anxiety and I'll be embarrassed about making a whole deal about it. + +Anyway, I'll put on some relaxing music and open it... (at some point) + +EDIT: so, they're sending me a phone number to get in touch with them. Like, seriously, a voice call?? I CANNOT. + +EDIT 2: It just occurred to me, what if it's a test already? I doubt it, but I'm really surprised they asked a possible AVPD person to make a phone call. + +EDIT 3: I just texted this woman, and told her ""If you don't mind, it's more comfortable for me to speak this way"". Then she texted me back: ""I'm on the subway now, I'll call you asap"". *(facepalm)* I really need help, but I'm starting to regret it right now. + +EDIT 4: More than a day later, they called me, and I didn't pick it up. I am bothered by the fact that they should be more sensitive, considering they're specialised in these kinds of disorders. Immediately afterwards, they texted me, and I thought they would have realised and would communicate by text. But the text said, ""You have a missed call from me. Tell me when you're available"". *(sigh)* I think I'll try to tell my current therapist after all, because it gives me less anxiety than changing.",Personality disorder +51497,"Advice for AvPD college students? I'm a sophomore in college, and I've totally given up on making friends. My issue isn't with finding a group to ""fit in with"", but rather just surviving my classes. All my courses this semester have a large amount of group and partner work, and lately I've been skipping or running out of class to avoid it. + +Does anyone have any tips for getting through these interactions? I'm absolutely terrified of people my age, due to unpleasant experiences in elementary and middle school. I don't want this to ruin my grades.",Personality disorder +51498,"Architecture student with AvPD. This is almost like a cosmic joke! + +This course is definition of criticism. Working sleepless nights on projects overthinking of the negative reviews is constant nightmare and I'm excelling the art of escapism. + +I'm 23, and this is the THIRD fucking time I discontinued college. THRICE. + +I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was always avoidant from before I even had the memory of it but I thought that was just my normal nature. + +I just discovered that I have AvPD from the recurring symptoms. It is destroying my life. It's progressing on the path to hell. It all makes sense now. My choices. My running away. The pattern is embedded deep into my subconscious. I feel hopeless and suicidal. + +I have never been to therapy, haven't talked about it to anyone yet. My family might be supportive although none of us has ever been to therapy before. I'm hanging onto this little hope that I could do better with professional help. It's not too late. Should I tell them or not. Idk. + +That being said, guys, has anyone been to therapy or something that has seen improvements for the sake of life?",Personality disorder +51499,,Personality disorder +51500,"Group therapy is it a good idea? I've been asked to self refer to a network of group therapy, I think it will be a good way to meet others who have this disorder but at the same time I am terrified, especially about speaking publicly and opening up to a group of people, has any here ever tried it or are you currently in a group therapy? I'd love to hear your experiences. + +Thank you.",Personality disorder +51501,"can’t stand people with the same interests anybody else? i find i get very jealous when others share my same interests, yea. i know it sounds like im an asshole. this feeling has been stuck with me since i was little. + +like when someone mentions they have the same interest, i immediately feel worthless. its like, wow okay. who needs me? nobody. i don’t stand a chance. + +or someone posts about it and a bunch of other people are also into it. i feel so bland and competitive and ready to give up. they know more than me, they’re better than me, im not cool or special, they will succeed and i wont. + +the other day i saw a post which mentioned my future career idea, which was somewhat uncommon. 20k likes. i felt like giving up because i just feel so small and useless now? i dont know how to describe it really. + +i know this probably sounds like im looking too far into it.. + +edit: thank u for the comments. glad to know im not alone in this feeling, and thank u for the advice some of u gave. :)",Personality disorder +51502,"Are there people with avpd who do not have SAD? If it's two different disorders, there should be someone who is avpd without sad although many people have both disorders + +Or are these just different aspects of same thing",Personality disorder +51503,"Adrian from the movie Rocky [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYGD4JtFscI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYGD4JtFscI) + +Was just watching this classic again the other day. Poor Adrian. What do you guys think? Is this AvPD?",Personality disorder +51504,do you also feel invisible? it seems like every time i try interacting with someone it just gets ignored. no matter what. even if i ask questions as to prompt a reply it's like i don't exist or nothing i say is of enough value to pay attention to. i don't get what i'm doing so wrong,Personality disorder +51505,"does working out help? i’m not grossly unhealthy, but one of the most unfit person alive (can barely do 1/3 a push up type bad). i’ve tried working out thrice but i kept quitting one week in due to the embarrassment of trying to improve. i also hated to be reminded that i’m weak, which floods my mind whenever i do an exercise. + +but i was wondering, did working out manage to help anyone? should i try again, or just give up?",Personality disorder +51506,"How do you even expose yourself to the public or gain ""experience"" when you are 30+? I have been hiding from people for so long. Even when I was going to school I was finding ways to hide from the world. + +I got sad again and randomly searched ""avoidance"" on YouTube and one video that popped up was from this guy called Dr. K. I guess he's a popular mental health streamer on Twitch and a psychiatrist who works at Harvard. + +I don't really play video games anymore, but I do think I have an internet addiction. Back in the day I definitely used video games as a crutch and it prevented me from being outside and meeting people, so I do relate to those who have gaming addiction + avoidance. A lot of the points he was making in his videos resonated with me. He talked about how a lot of gamers are actually fairly smart. Now part of this felt like he was blowing smoke up his audience's ass, but on the other hand, I can see a lot of introverted, smart, but shy types gravitating towards games. A lot of the people I knew growing up who gamed were pretty smart people, even the ""lazy"" ones who never amounted to anything in life. + +Now, the part that I wanted to go over was the avoidance aspect of life. He mentioned how a lot of these gaming addicts are told they are smart and find school to be fairly easy early in their life, so they don't really struggle early in life, but later as they get older they lack the necessary abilities to succeed. Their self-conscious nature makes them wilt under the pressure of being judged. Anything that makes them appear as not intelligent immediately triggers avoidance. What a lot of these people don't understand is that they need to gain experience, not intelligence in order to succeed. + +I looked up Dr. K's history and it seems like he was struggling college student with a video game addiction and dropped out of school briefly to join some monastery in India. He came back and succeeded and went to medical school and became a psychiatrist. So I guess he's proof that fighting avoidance works. + +But what do people who have wasted so much of their life and are already 30 able to do? He had the luxury of taking a dramatic step when he was 20 and able to come back and succeed. Not to mention that he is obviously capable of putting himself out there. Again, this could be due to ""experience"" and desensitizing himself, but how many of us would even be able to have the courage to pack our bags and go to a monetary. For someone like me, my mind is a confusing mess that a step like that would be met with a million different excuses to avoid doing that. + +I find that a lot of ""success"" stories ignore that the people who were struggling were not as extreme as a lot of people like myself.",Personality disorder +51507,"My first day at the job It was awful, I hated it and I am so afraid of going in there again.. + + I don't want to go much into details but the whole day I kept forgetting every fucking thing I was told. I kept zoning out, asking a lot of questions (a lot of times the same kind of questions again and again), being slow because how much I was overwhelmed. I kept telling myself that I am giving it my best, it's my first day and no one should expect me being immediately perfect in this but it didn't really help. I needed to do a lot of multitasking, to keep my eye on multiple things but it seemed that I just couldn't focus. + + In the end I felt extremely inferior to all my co-workers. Whenever some of them would remind me that I was forgetting something/doing something wrong/etc I felt so attacked, crushed, judged... +At some point I even nearly cried but I could suppress it. + + God, I hate this shit. I am aware that 99% of those thoughts I have are completely inadequate and irrational, I am certain that they were just trying to help and guide me, since I am new in there. But why doesn't it help with feeling less worthless..",Personality disorder +51508,I've been feeling so miserable and hopeless this weekend I hate it. I just want to enjoy life.,Personality disorder +51509,"Generalizing people is ruining me and I don't know how to fix it Just a quick example of what I mean: + +Sometimes you're just talking to a person, and you're getting along great, and you're just in that moment and you're enjoying it in its isolation, and you think ""Wow you now what, maybe things are fine"", and that person says something that just snaps you right back. It's not necessarily political, but one example was a classmate I'm getting along fine with who is a woman but is heavily against feminism, and once a month goes on a rant about it and it makes me just so exhausted and disinterested in pursuing that friendship. The other is my brother who's like ""Oh I'm fine with gay people"" but then yesterday 'joked' about how ""only the women that look like men are real lesbians, I see the 'normal' looking women in lesbian relationships as just experimenting"" + +It's so fucking exhausting and isolating. And I live in a fucking racist homophobic shithole of a country to begin with, and any time I meet at least somewhat of an openminded person they still have that one thread of fascism they refuse to let go of. + +And god it's fucking hard not to see this whole country as a country of neo nazis. No matter how much I try to focus on the positives, all I ever see is people in Pro-Russian protest or people attacking alternative bars or spraying neonazi symbols on city walls. + +It's endlessly fucking depressing. And any time I complain about it to people they all say ""Oh don't look at it like that. Not everybody acts or thinks the way they think"". But it's so hard not to. It feels dishonest and fake not to. + +And I already have trobules with being social and opening up to people and now there's always this layer of ""Oh well I gotta be cautious with what I say about what I think because any person could hold back some fascistic views"" . With men especially. The men here are a whole different kind of intolerant pigs. + +It's so bad that I'm constantly undervaluing my own opinions and thoughts. It fucking sucks. I never verbalize what I think or feel, because this whole culture is built on constant arguments and belittlings and wanting to prove yourself right that it gets so exhausting to socialize. + +And I want to socialize. I desperataely want a friendgroup, and a circle of people I'm comfortable with because I have none of that right now, and it sucks because I can't even break out of that caution to even begin to start looking for people. And it's so hard not to filter people through an Ideological Filter because that's always what it boils down to. + +I don't want to care this much. + +I want to just fuck off the world and just be me. And I can't. I want people. I don't want to want people. It's so fucking lonely.",Personality disorder +51510,"Job So I got a job and I’m super anxious and can’t stop crying. I start on Tuesday or Wednesday, and I'm already nervous for that day to come. I feel a huge fear, can't quite point out what the fear is but something of it is probably the social interaction. I wish something terrible happens to me so I can avoid the first day of work. + +What should i do? I really want to ghost the man(boss), and just wanna stay Home. But my family really wants me to get a job",Personality disorder +51511,"Does your AvPD come with or co-exist with social anxiety? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10oscjl)",Personality disorder +51512,"I hate when this fear tries to get in the way of me wanting to help someone. And then I hate the part of me that's focusing on my own feelings instead of the person in need. + +Fck, why can't I just help someone without worrying if I'm gonna say the right thing?",Personality disorder +51513,,Personality disorder +51514,"Honestly, do you think the label “AvPD” does you more harm than good? **TLDR;** My therapist says labels might be helpful/empowering for some but might have a negative effect on others. There’s debates about this in the mental health community. It is in fact harmful for me so, I have decided to stop seeking diagnosis for now. + +_________________________________ + +Recently my therapist told me how mental health labels might help some but have a negative effect on some. + +This discussion started when I requested a written diagnosis from her. + +In my case after discussing labels with her, I was able to come to the conclusion that I tend to dehumanise myself because of the label. + +I treat myself as “diseased” or “nuisance” and often feel bad for not being as good as “normal” people. + +There’s a whole debate even in the mental health community about labels and how sometimes mental health professionals might misuse it. + +So for now, I’ve stopped seeking out a diagnosis. But what about you? **Do you think the “AvPD” label helps you?** + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10o854w)",Personality disorder +51515,Do you agree with this statement? Excerpt from an article about SAD and AvPD,Personality disorder +51516,"Contemplating So I've noticed that when I contemplate my inevitable death, I feel strange. I can think about if I die tomorrow, the next day, or amy other time, but when I remind myself that it is virtually impossible for me to live past say 120ish, it feels different. + +I think about how nothing I do will ever prevent me from dying, and really, it is the only time I feel so...human. I feel small and frankly insignificant because nothing I ever do will amount to anything in the face of eternity. + +A hundred years after I die, what should I care? I'd be dead, so whatever I do will only matter to others if it even reaches that far. Besides, by that point whatever hopes I had that my actions benefited someone is dead alongside me. + +What I'm getting at is, I'm nothing more than a collection of matter that gets some pointless shot at doing something for myself and the other matter blobs around me. It feels very human to me, that feeling of nigh nothingness. + +That is why I'd consider myself religious, because it's the voice inside that tells me something as pointless as me is seen and cared about, and that the things that I do will matter for the rest of eternity. + + I know it sounds crazy, and people have told me repeatedly that I'm stupid for believing in anything, but what else do I have? I've gotten as close to the edge as I could before, just to see if I would do it. Clearly I didn't, but if I didn't have some hope that my faith is worth it, well, you know. + +Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I'm religious because it makes me feel wanted, like I have a purpose, even if it's not entirely clear to me or anyone else really. + +I hope y'all have good coping mechanisms too, because I can take a good guess at what my life would look like if I didn't have my faith. + +And for those of you who were hurt in some way because of someone's religion, I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that. Nobody should have to experience that. And I hope you don't think any less of me for my faith, I wouldn't try to hurt someone just because they disagree with me, and I don't get to choose how you live your life. + +At the end of the day, I do sincerely hope y'all are doing okay. ❤️",Personality disorder +51517,"(Hope this is allowed) looking for friends Looking for sum1 to talk about like our feelings n shit and maybe one day flash bits of our despicable core. Idk could be pretty sweet i think. Ima drug addict with avpd so its kinda hard to do that irl. And dont worry about if u ghost me i get its not personal + +Edit:im 23 + +Edit 2: now im insecure that “flash bits” might be interpreted as sexually. I just meant like itd be cool to share things about self that might come with fears of rejection/hurting others.",Personality disorder +51518,"I can't fathom getting or being in a relationship with someone who is ""normal"". 1: If I told someone I was 27 years old and never had a romantic relationship in my life and have no friends at the moment they'd run for the hills and I don't blame them. That's a giant red flag and nobody -- even the most empathetic people want to stick around to find out the reason for that. + +2: I'm like an alien in the eyes of most people. How can somebody relate to not doing anything meaningful their lives and having the drive and motivation of a rock. Most people want to strive for something grand... I'm just content having my basic needs met. + +3: If someone would even give a freak like me a chance there would be no way they'd be able to tolerate me for too long. As a guy I'm sure the way I act is purely pathetic and cowardly to most woman out there. If she doesn't understand my mental illness she'll see me as not a ""real man"" because I'm so sensitive and anxious all the time about trivial things that most people don't even think about. + +Sorry about the pity post, my family thinks one of my New Years goals should be to finally get a girlfriend... Easier said than done. I really don't think anyone would tolerate me and I wouldn't want to burden someone with myself. I'm convinced that I'd only be able to be with someone who has AvPD or SAD however destructive that relationship that may be.",Personality disorder +51519,,Personality disorder +51520,"What are your romantic relationship patterns? Mine end up being completely consumed by the other person to the point that I take on their life and forget mine. Then resentment around 6months (used to be 3 yrs) bc I dont exist and I can't seem to integrate anyone in my life. + +Its not fair to them. The start and stop has taken up so many years and energy. I wish I could feel so free w someone that I could just be in my underwear and sing every song I know seriously I would love to feel at ease with someone. I dont stand up for my values, ppl lose respect bc I seem to not have boundaries. My head is screaming but nothing comes out, freeze-run-fawn. + +Do I need to find peace within before attempting to get peace relating to anyone?",Personality disorder +51521,"Hi! I’m new in this sub I find I have many similarities here. + +I’m wondering what does love look like for you? +How do you give it and how would you like to receive it?",Personality disorder +51522,"This Sub has become a blessing in disguise for me I recently found out that I have been avoiding people and things because of fear of shame and rejections mostly. It has, to be fair affected many areas of my life. + +Almost every single popular post in this sub, (all the behaviors from reading it here and other mental health sites) I find super specific to me. + +It all just clicked in my brain and ever since then I've been purposefully doing the very things that I know for a fact I have more than a significant chance of getting rejected or embarrassed. It feels like I'm trying to move a pillar from my chest and sometimes I just wanna die. But I'm determined. I had one major moment of rejection today and I felt awful, one of the worst feelings. But I kept reminding myself that this is the way towards betterment. Facing my fears is the only way to not be afraid of it anymore. + +I have been feeling very uneasy but also experiencing a lot of new scenarios and feelings (so to speak). + +I'm also very secretive and don't share a lot. The purpose of this post is also to share my vulnerability with you all from my main Reddit account. (In the past I would've done it with an alt 100%). + +I hope anyone struggling with this, find some strength from this that would make me genuinely happy. Also, know that you can also get out of this. One small step for you and me, one giant leap towards betterment!",Personality disorder +51523,"My face looks younger than its 39 years, and I think it’s because I’ve worked my whole life to keep it as expressionless as possible, and not reveal all the turbulent and contradictory feelings underneath. As a kid I was often mistaken as “mature beyond my years.” + +At least I don’t have to worry about smile lines. Through self-conscious terror, I’ve managed to suppress any impulse to have a spontaneous social reaction.",Personality disorder +51524,"My friend text me, I managed 1 reply before ignoring her. Feel just awful to any people in my life who actually try with me. +My friend text me the other day, it has been a while since we interacted and I had ignored a couple messages from her this past few weeks. So anyway she texts me just asking how im doing and if I want to catch up soon or even this evening. I get that surge of okay I can do this; i wait till i get home from work (the text was in the morning) and I write a reply and send it, explaining how im not in a great head space atm, not able to be around people, but hopefully I will be able to see her soon. She sends me the sweetest reply back, I look at it, and nothing. I don't feel any anxiety or anything I just don't want to reply, I dont know whyyy. And now im sat here feeling awful about myself that I didn't reply to her. +Is this a relatable thing to anyone? I feel like im just a shitty, awful, selfish person.",Personality disorder +51525,"I tried to stop having inner monologues with myself for few minutes I usually talk to myself in my thoughts a lot. + +I tried to stop doing it for few minutes and it was like I was hurting my brain. But it was also kind of freeing, like I didn’t think about anything and my mind was empty. + +But I think I will need to “exercise” this a lot more and kind of get used to it. I think having these stupid dialogues that I have are making me depressed and mad. + +I realized that I can stop these monologues if I want, I am just very used to having them. 🤔",Personality disorder +51526,"The Loneliness Epidemic [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health](https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health) + +What do you guys think about this? I can tell you that I've run ultramarathons and pushed my body well past it's limits (not bragging or anything might be the one thing I'm actually decent at lol), but there is nothing that compares to the crushing feeling of loneliness.",Personality disorder +51527,"How emotional are you, on a scale from 1 to 100? Name the top 5 things that make you emotional. + +1. Music (power metal or anime OST) +2. WW2 Documentaries. +3. Psychologists crying about their patients. +4. Music again +5. And... Music one more time.",Personality disorder +51528,"Are you short-tempered? CAUSE I AM + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10nk2uq)",Personality disorder +51529,,Personality disorder +51530,"im supposed to go to therapy but then we're suddenly out of budget and now my birth giver, who caused all of this, told me to ""deal with it"". If it's that easy I wouldn't be missing school for months. It fucking sucks that EVERYONE is undermining everything we are going through. They don't realize how this affects our literal lives. They don't see how severe this is just because they can't see our disorder. When will the time come where people take mental health seriously? If this was a physical disorder, this would've been treated a long time ago. The school doesn't even take my situation seriously. They are basically telling me to ""get over it"". They are so fucking lucky they don't get to experience what we go through. It's not like we asked for this. Fuck I hate people SO MUCH. Literally the only people who sympathize with us is those who have AvPD too, literally only the community itself. It also doesn't help that my country is fucking nuts and religious and don't believe in mental health. If i asked for help, authorities would literally tell me to just pray and read the fucking bible. Fuck this country. Fuck people. Fuck everyone who doesn't take mental health seriously.",Personality disorder +51531,,Personality disorder +51532,Suddenly remembering cringe moments Does anyone suddenly remembering an embarrassing or cringy thing they did in the past and then feel shitty about it😅. I’ve just had a cringe thing I did a party a year ago pop into my head and now I can’t get it out😩.,Personality disorder +51533,"Do you have an Inner monologue? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10n9t63)",Personality disorder +51534,"When people get to know me they don’t like me. I’m boring and awkward, I can put up good mask at first but under it.. is something most people don’t want. I heard through another person that a friend of mine thinks I’m too sensitive and she cant relate to me. Me being myself disappoints people.",Personality disorder +51535,"I can see why people think I'm unfriendly When I'm talking with a group I'm already comfortable with and a new person I'm not comfortable with yet comes in, I stare at them and I don't say anything. + +I don't look people in the eyes while talking. I don't say hi or bye. I rush to end conversations and walk away quickly if I feel overwhelmed. + +Not mention I have a bad case of resting bitch face. No wonder people hate me and think I'm judging them 💀",Personality disorder +51536,"I swear it is gonna kill me really dont know what to think anymore. My life is basically that of an hikikomori, with no job or future. Its an infinite cycle of me craving social interactions and me searching ways to push away from me those that try to bond",Personality disorder +51537,"First real date We walked in the park for like an entire day, then the next day watched a movie. We kissed, which was my first time doing that, cool. But it turned out she wasn't as into me as I was her. So its over, all for the best. + +I'm feeling so positive about it. It was painful for the first couple days after no lie, but now I feel great. + +I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to make a move sexually, but I did it. It was awkward as hell obviously, but I did it. I was bold as fuck. And it was really no big deal. I saw her again the other day and it was totally cool, no hard feelings. + +I finally feel like a real living human being. It's like I've been set free in a major way. Only a year after I asked out the first person haha. Feels like a lifetime ago. + +I never thought I'd actually get here, and I'm so grateful that I did. And I have so much time ahead of me. I'm only 24. I used to look at the future and see only dread and misery, but now I see hope and promise. + +Thank you thank you",Personality disorder +51538,"Do you guys try to avoid people you know, or just people you don't know? I used to be anxious about being around strangers, but now I don't really care as much. But I always get way more anxious at the thought of meeting people I do know and I try to avoid them as much as I can. + +I don't even see any value in forming friendships/relationships anymore. I try open up as little as possible to people. The more I get to know them, the more I try to avoid them. + +I fear that friendships come with unrealistic expectations and that as people get to know me they'll realise that I'm weird and will gradually dislike me, and maybe try to make me feel guilty for not meeting their expectations. I also don't want to become dependent on other people, cos it seems like most 'friends' only seem to care about you when it suits them. I just think most friendships are fake and over-rated.",Personality disorder +51539,,Personality disorder +51540,"here i go. im trying to find out my feelings another day. + +# + +at my core i feel gone like something was never placed there. im 28 years old. + +i will try to explain it as numb or not there. i dont feel like there is something on the inside of my mind. + +looking for people who relate or any support. Do you think it has a name, its not really depression imo.",Personality disorder +51541,"Idk but now I’m moving to a place I never been to. I lived in a place with very expensive rent. I tried living with my family but basically over the last two days everything fell apart. Some of it is technically my fault but more AvPD. I tried living in supported housing but always had a roommate who wouldn’t let me sleep. Almost got into having my own room but it fell apart before that. + +This is pretty much crazy but hopefully it will work out. I’m on disability so I’m trying to live somewhere I can get a cheap apartment. It’s possible I can get a job to make the budget issues easier. For living in unhealthy situations I couldn’t hold down a job. I’m at least hoping that’s the reason. + +Things with my family we’re ok before but after Covid there was like an explosion of bad luck going around. Somehow I was used as a scapegoat. Basically scared but also my life was going in a vicious cycle. I had to change something major.",Personality disorder +51542,"I wish I could be assigned a friend or partner so I had someone to share my life with Mostly I wish I could just skip all the scary beginning stuff of getting to know someone. I like having friends but I’m terrified of trying to make new ones. I like socializing but only when it’s not terrifying. I’ve never been in a relationship but it seems nice to have someone to be there for you at the end of the day. I only have my family but they all have their own lives and their own immediate families. I just wish that I had someone outside of my family. I wish I had someone that liked similar things and that I could go do stuff with or someone to eat dinner with most days. I just wish I wasn’t so scared of trying to get the things that I want. + +It feels like a pity party kind of night. ☹️",Personality disorder +51543,"Is anyone else ashamed of their face? I hate my face and the fact that people can see me, I’ve been told I have a decent looking face and good features but it doesn’t matter, my own mental image of myself is still awful, I think of myself like im deformed or have severe facial scarring or something. It’s like an inherent and irrational feeling of shame and guilt, a constant voice in my head telling me to hide my face, that other people will judge me or laugh at me for how bad i look + +When everybody had to wear face masks, I felt great. I was a little more confident going into public spaces and talking to people because I knew they couldn’t see my face and what I looked like, it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders, now nobody wears them though so I generally wear a hood or hat whenever I leave the house, it just makes me feel much more comfortable. I think that’s also why eye contact is so difficult, because when they’re staring into your eyes it feels like they’re looking right at you, judging you, they’re able to see your whole face + +Idk why I even wrote this just wondered if anyone else feels the same, even though it’s totally irrational and there’s no reason to, I just can’t get rid of the feeling of hating everything about myself, feeling ashamed of it all, though mainly my face",Personality disorder +51544,"Being uncomfortable with personal compliments A friend complimented me, saying I have a good conversation, I'm handsome, etc. I mean, didn't attack me at all (the opposite, actually) - so why does some sort of fight/flight state come over me with situations like this? To me, it really doesn't make sense. Unfortunately, it's how I function. I have to get used to this.",Personality disorder +51545,"Gave a girl in coffee shop my number I went in for a coffee. She worked there and we got on well chatting and shared alot of info. We chatted for about 30 mins. I tested the water a few times n sort of let her know indirectly that i liked her and things still went well. I decided to just leave it at that and left on a good note + +I popped by on second day a few days later, i was kind of nervous n had been kicking myself i didnt give her my number the first time knowing id have to work up the courage all over again . This time after we talked for about 10 mins i gave her my number i think i came across as lill more nervous the second time but I could of done worse + +She never called. i thought there was some chance because things went well but i knew was no guarentee. She was quite alot younger than me but i didnt ask ages. . Still i was pretty hurt. Thats at least the last 5 times iv asked someone out or intended too n i got rejected in some way and them situations dont come around often and always require me to overcome so much anxiety . + +In all honesty im pretty bitter n sad sometimes at how hopeless my situation feels , i cant change alot of things and people just overlook me without giving me much of chance because they see me as a loner or some other thing i cant really change. I may not be the best but im alot more than how im collectively treated. I feel completely unseen",Personality disorder +51546,"A Social Phobic's silly questions First of all, I'm sorry for this post, I don't want to offend anyone or adorn myself with words that I'm not entitled to. + +After reading many of your posts and doing some research myself, I fear that I might also have AvPD or at least have very similar symptoms. My problem: How do I find out if I'm completely delusional or if there might actually be something to it? If I just ask my therapist, ""How do I know I don't have AvPD?"" it may come across as extremely know-it-all and pushy. Aside from that, I have many questions and concerns, what if I was misdiagnosed because I misdescribed my problems? + +I'm really sorry to write in this subreddit. It's just that I just panicked again because of an incident. + +Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.",Personality disorder +51547,AvPD and Autism Last year I was diagnosed with AvPD by a psychiatrist. Today I was diagnosed as autistic after a 1.5 year process of multiple assessments culminating in a 3 hour assessment today with 2 clinic psychiatrists and an autism nurse. Now I don't know if I am just autistic or if I have AvPD too. Wondered if anyone here has had both diagnoses?,Personality disorder +51548,"I fear I'll never be loved the way I want/need to be I have this deep longing to be loved by someone who also has AvPD like me who knows and understands so incredibly well about what it's like to be me because we have very similar, if not, even the same upbringing and experiences that led to us being the people we are today. + +By this I mean I always think about whether I'll ever meet and get to love and be loved by someone that not only shares the same thoughts and feelings about most things (because relationship compatibility) but also shares the same traumas. I even maladaptive daydream and have intimate conversations with this nonexistent person about my life and they always meet it with patience and understanding because they're genuinely a good person and they also know firsthand what i am talking about and how I feel. + +I don't think I would ever go out of my way to search for people who has gone through the same things as I because I'm just not gonna make a post anywhere or go on some friend/relationship making app with a bio saying about what I've been through because I don't want to lay it all out there just like that because that's inappropriate and that I just wouldn't want to open up that way. I would want a gradual relationship to blossom from being vulnerable and building intimacy after a considerable period of time before talking too deep into the worse aspects of my life ya know? As someone with trust issues I need time to be sure i can share all of that. + +I'm always thinking and hoping that maybe one day I would meet a special someone that would for once make me feel I am loved because they don't have to try to understand but because they just do. I speak from a place that whenever I have spoken and been vulnerable about what I think or feel about anything they don't agree with or understand, I often receive a response that makes me feel belittled, misunderstood and disrespected. From familial to platonic to romantic relationships, I never have felt I am seen or heard with love and patience unless it's something they believe and or know about, rather I am scolded or looked at in skepticism or blatantly insulted for merely sharing something as little as expressing an opinion which always comes from a place of being respectful. To even expressing an interest of mine which comes from a place of love and passion gets mocked and made fun of. + +The very few people I would consider ""close"" in my life don't make me feel loved. Sure I feel cared about at times, such as my parents providing for me, cared for in times when friends would reach out and ask about how I'm doing and cared that I get to have consistent affectionate and attention from my romantic relationship. And yet these people have hurt me and whenever I've told them that they have hurt me they either dismiss my vulnerability of communicating my needs and wants (which should be taken as a damn compliment I even talk to them) to just being downright disrespectful to me. I thought they loved me. You don't hurt the people you love. I always end up ending the conversation and changing topic by telling them it's fine or nvm or I'll get over it or the worst of it all, telling them I was overreacting and that I'm sorry for saying anything and that they're right for calling me out for calling them out... I can't be gaslit but I sure as hell can act like it to avoid conflict don't I? ha ha ha... the things I do for love because I don't want to hurt them even though they hurt me first. It's really not hard to be a decent person especially to a ""loved one"" i don't find it difficult, why do they? :/ + +A part of me also thinks the only way I could ever get better, and I don't mean outright cured of AvPD, but rather just live easier with myself and with other people in this life in a much less difficult way is to have that person by my side who also has AvPD that can truly understand and love me and who'd uplift me and basically all that good things we should expect from being in a relationship whether platonic or romantic. But here i am having doubts that I may not even deserve that and that I should settle because I fear i will never meet that great person I so badly need to love and be loved by. + +I recently have been reading this book called all about love: new visions by bell hooks. It's really given me insight and confirmation about what love really is and one thing I will mention here that is talked about in the book is that abuse and love cannot coexist. It's a hard pill to swallow but it is something that we should talk about more. I suggest all of you to read it, it's an amazing book just as the author is. + + + + + +Tl;dr: I've taken up my time to either thinking and maladaptive daydreaming of connecting and having a relationship with someone who i am very much alike with such as sharing same traumas that led both of us to have AvPD. I want and need someone who truly is a great person that not only cares but listens and understands with patience about my thoughts, feelings, well being, and general existence that would make me feel the love I truly deserve because people ""close"" to me in my life have not given that love. But yet I fear I will never that and even doubt myself that I might not even deserve that love. + +To anyone that has read this far: thank you for listening and I hope you have a good day/night 💜",Personality disorder +51549,"My life is wasting away while everyone is building a good future for themselves. It seems like everyone I know is set for their future. My two best friends are currently studying in big reputable schools studying chemical engineering and business, something that will help them achieve great goals in the future. While I'm here rotting away in my house doing the same thing everyday because I'm to fucked up in the head to go to school and finish high school. I'm afraid everyone would move on with their lives and I'd have to deop out of school and repeat again. I would be graduating at 20 when I should have been graduating at 18. It would be completely ok if I was rich, but I'm not. I can't afford to slack all day and do nothing, but my pathetic brain stops me from doing anyhting. + +Before my country adopted the k-12 curriculum, everyone graduated at 16, goes to college/uni for 4 years, and graduated at 20. Now I'm barely graduating at 19 years old. It feels like everyone I know is gonna be rich and successful in the future and I'm just gonna be here rotting my life away.",Personality disorder +51550,,Personality disorder +51551,"Trouble saying ""I love you"" Just curious about this. I've noticed in myself that while I can say it to my family members, I have trouble saying it to anyone else. I have a few close friends in particular who say it a lot to me and to one another, and I just can't say it back for some reason. And it's not that I don't care about my friends, it's just some mental block in my head I guess. Saying it to parents or siblings feels more ""automatic"" in a way I guess, and is therefore less uncomfortable. Such as ending a phone call with ""love you, bye"" ""love you too, bye"". But outside of that I have trouble with it. + +Does anyone else experience this? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10ltnzn)",Personality disorder +51552,"Dying of cringe from a poor social interaction today. How the hell do I cope? I can't focus on work or do anything because of cringe making me want to scream, and furthermore, my friend teased me about it... + +Makes me wanna stay inside for the next decade or so.",Personality disorder +51553,"Avoiding to live up to my potential This shit is killing me sometimes. I like drawing and cooking sweets like cakes, cookies, muffins and etc. I do have some passions and I'd love to improve my skills and spend my entire time doing this. But I avoid even thinking about going to university because that immediately settles negative thoughts in my rotten brain. What if I embarrass myself yet again?If I am not immediately good at this, what's the point of all that?This is gonna be more stressful and exhausting than enjoyable..and so on and so on. I think I do have some sort of potential but I refuse to live up to it. So many obstacles and curves on this path, it feels like I am going to fail and eventuality quit at the very start. + + I don't know what else to say..this is so frustrating. Anyone else here who's feeling same? + + Sorry for some mistakes I might have made btw, english isn't my native language.",Personality disorder +51554,"Can you relate to these? I wanna know if you guys can relate to these points or not + +1. I try not to speak loudly on my own with myself so other people cannot hear you? +2. I recall and get critical about any past conversation you had recently (at times word to word)? +3. I don't want to meet or get confronted by someone to avoid getting questioned at, about the very thing I fear that I lack? And I would be open to those questions once I fix those things. +4. I feel I have so much potential.",Personality disorder +51555,,Personality disorder +51556,"Intense fear of failure Today I found out that 'atychiphobia' is the clinical term for the fear of failure. I've been consumed by atychiphobia ever since my teenage years. I've purposely passed up on big opportunities due to it, and as a result held myself back multiple times. + +Well, now I've stumbled upon a hurdle that I need to overcome in order to achieve my next goal in life. I've been looking for ways to bypass the hurdle so I don't have to potentially experience failure, but I can't seem to find any other ways forward. + +The reality is I'll have to attempt to overcome this obstacle in order to move forward but it's terrifying knowing I might never overcome it. + +Anyone ever experienced similar or have tips for overcoming this fear?",Personality disorder +51557,"Have you ever overshared? If so how the hell do you cope? I’ve literally been keeping all my feelings inside for years so it’s all just been building up, and a few weeks ago I had a total breakdown and texted this guy I barely know just telling him about this thing that happened. And he’s like twice my age and I just work next to him, I saw him a fair bit but I never really talked to him of course because avpd so things were just always awkward. + +But the thing is he was super nice about it, and so then I WAY overshared and texted him a bunch of personal shit and it made total sense when I was sending it and then the next day I was like what the hell did I send this guy? And now I feel SO embarrassed and I just don’t know what to do with this feeling. And the worst part is I still can’t talk to him, I saw him for the first time the other day since sending that text and he was being so nice about it and I still couldn’t talk to him. And I might not see him again for a while because my job is kinda changing right now but I just don’t know what to do with this feeling. + +TLDR: Got super emotional and texted this guy who I barely talked to a bunch of personal shit. So now he knows that I’m messed up and also knows that I’m so pathetic and alone that I like him way more than I should and I don’t know what to do with this embarrassment.",Personality disorder +51558,"I quit my job without telling my boss So I work as a cashier and this saturday (28th) was supposed to be my last day there (end of my contract, which was going to be renewed) but last saturday (21th) after my long shift I decided I couldn't go through another week at this workplace so I took all my stuff and left for good without telling anyone. + +This job has burnt me out so much and gave me panic attacks and I didn't see myself staying there another week. But I was mostly afraid to tell my boss that I didn't want to renew my contract, too scared to see disappointment on her face and to let them down... So by quiting early I wouldn't have to face this situation... + +I didn't show up on Monday and didn't call, but I sent to HR a doctor's note from my psychiatrist telling them that I am taking a break from work. My boss has tried to call me yesterday but I didn't respond. I feel shitty right now and I hate this AVPD.... This fear of confrontation and disappointing is killing me.",Personality disorder +51559,"How to know if it's social anxiety or AvPD ? I think I have social anxiety (no official diagnosis because getting any kind of official diagnosis is difficult here but it's fairly obvious and several mental health professionals I've seen acknowledged it) but I recognise myself a lot in the symptoms of AvPD. I tried looking online what the exact difference between social anxiety and AvPD but I didn't really find anything useful or well explained enough. This disorder seems fairly unknown to me and I'm struggling to find ressources. How do you know it's AvPD and not social anxiety? Is there any good ressources (books, YouTube channel, website,...) on this topic that you would recommend. Is it okay for me self diagnose?",Personality disorder +51560,"AvPD and Social Anxiety on the rise? It feels like AvPD and social anxiety are becoming more prevalent (especially younger generations) and that this was exacerbated by the pandemic. Even before the pandemic it was an issue with the use of social media fueling a rise in mental health issues, but the isolation of the pandemic obviously made things worse. + +Maybe AvPD will become more mainstream in a few years?",Personality disorder +51561,I wish I had the social skills to buy weed How does one find someone selling weed when they have no friends? I think it’d really help me. I don’t want to buy it online it’s too complicated and risky.,Personality disorder +51562,"Question to people with AvPD Is it true that the significant difference between AvPD and SAD is that people with AvPD aren't interested in social relationships, whereas social phobics are indeed interested in those but their anxiety won't let them?",Personality disorder +51563,"Fear is the death of potential, comfort it's instrument. Deep down, I'm still that poor, scared little boy who lost his confidence, beaten and humiliated and alone. So desperately alone + +Beyond that, and deeper, perhaps, is a skeleton where the man should be; held together by wishes and fantasies of what it means to be, of what it means to deserve, and the empty bravado and bloviations of a synthetic confidence made of air. + +Now, I can play the role of the confident man. I can laugh and smile and charm and begile and speak with an iron certainty that brooks no argument, and most would be tricked into thinking this is strength, but these are nothing more than the desperate, craven thrusts of defense - a pained and insecure theatre to hide my own inadequacy from inquiring eyes. + +I feel so worthless, so replaceable, so expendable. If I am not the absolute best, then how can I be valuable at all? How can someone not replace me? How can I feel secure within my relationship with others? + +Everywhere I look, I notice others better than me. People who are better looking, taller, smarter, with nicer bodies, and I cannot escape the realisation that these people could replace and take from me everything that I hold dear. + +I have an adoring girlfriend, but how long will that last? How can I trust in permanence when so many better than me exist? When the wheels of fate are always in motion, spinning towards a yet unknown destination? + +Every man man is my rival. Every man is better than me. I must be perfect, otherwise I am worthless. + +Somewhere along the way, during adolescence and early adulthood, fear gripped my heart. It squeezed and twisted me into submission, until I felt powerless to travel any road that was not certain and safe. + +In persuing safety, I was tricked into embracing comfort, which came for me in the from of constant daily drinking. + +For five years, I drank and drank and isolated, until I was emaciated, malnourished, alone, so desperately alone, wasted, pitiful, weak, hopeless, and broken. + +The indifference and apathy that was birthed by alcohol facilitied me leaving university, abandoning the future I had dreamed of since a small boy, and finally extinguishing the withering flame of hope that I did not know still existed inside of me. + +I slept on empty rum bottles, littering a dirty and dark floor in a small room. I seldom washed or showered or ate, and I only left the house to buy enough alcohol to fuel my two-letres-a-day rum habit. + +I was so alone, so desperately alone. + +I spent over half a year without any communication with others at all, and then only interacted with basic pleasantries in the couple of years that followed. + +Yet somehow, against all predictions, I stopped drinking. That was almost two years ago now. Since that moment, I have not faltered once, nor did I ever fear doing so. + +I was at rock bottom, I knew that I could not drink anymore. The realisation hit me suddenly, with force sufficient to stop me mid step, on my way to buy rum. A voice in my head, clear and confident and smooth, stated ""you can't do this anymore"", and thus, the decision to never drink again was made. And I cannot go against decisions already made, in the same way I cannot reverse the motion that broke a glass against the floor. + +From that moment, I have worked hard to build myself up from the creature I was. + +Now, on the precipice of achieving two years of uninterrupted sobriety, I have a new, respectable full-time job, I workout five times a week, I have a loving girlfriend, and yet I am haunted by the immutable weight of my own inadequacies and regrets. + +Everyone around me is more successful than I am. My girlfriend is currently on a buisness trip abroad, surrounded by other people of stature, significance, and importance. And what am I? An addict, a university dropout, and a worthless, talentless, static waste of life. + +I know that I cannot compare my life and success to others. Every person you meet has travelled a different path to yours, with different privillages and struggles, and a completely different set of potentials. I should only reflect on the life I have lived, judging my success by the progress I have made. I understand this, logically. It makes sense... Only, I cannot help but compare. I want to be more. So much more. I need to be more. + +I want to go back to university, but I fear I am not smart enough. I had no confidence in going in the first place, but it was a path I was on, so I did not dwell on the fear. Now, with the flow of this path disrupted, I cannot find within myself the confidence to take the plunge back into formal education. I am inert with doubt. + +Why is it I cannot move past my regrets? Why do I feel so inadequate?",Personality disorder +51564,"I don't really want what I think I want. For most of the time, my brain is overwhelmed by emotions rather than thoughts. Rational or irrational. Like... I *think* about something a lot, but it's never really connected to my life in any tangible or material way.",Personality disorder +51565,"sick of it honestly this is more of a screaming into the void post than anything. + +im kind of sick of just not doing anything all day, everyday kind of feels like a repeat of the same day. + +i'm awful at making friends, every attempt has been pretty much futile (i'm still trying, though); i want to be productive but i have so many issues with starting anything; i run away from everything even though i'm well aware that'll cause even more issues, but anything to delay the pain i guess; i'm awful. i need to make changes in my life but it's so hard, and any change i make just makes me wanna go back into my reclusive life. whenever i see anything about people my age or younger achieve something that i never will, i get pissy but i don't do anything to better myself afterwards. i used to workout as a way to be productive but man, i have a chronic illness that just makes that impossible, now i feel like a complete total loser. + +i used to be one of those gifted kids and everyone had such high expectations of me, but now i'm just a loser with underdeveloped social skills. i almost feel like there's no one in this world that's dealing with the same issues.",Personality disorder +51566,"Resentment I have been suspecting about having AvPD for quite some time. Knowing that my inability to have close relationships and function in society wasn't just my fault but is due to a condition conforts me and gives me some pointers on what to do to battle it. I really, really, really don't want to keep on living this cold, walled-in hikikomori hell i was in throughout my teenage years and twenties. + +And boy, did I gather all my willpower to try and change my situatuon, asking this friend out over and over, trying to send them memes to make them laugh and engaging with what they were posting. They ghosted me, so I stopped reaching out to them. I gathered that they just didn't want to be around me. It really hurt and I blamed myself for beint unlikable and all. After months, I slowly started healing back again and just... Moved on. + +Recently they came out as having AvPD to me and other friends and I now... sorta hold a grudge against this person. I know I'm supposed to be understanding and all because I've been there (i am there, actually), but also... Fuck no :/ I put a lot of effort and courage in asking them to hang out every week, at a certain point I got tired of asking and being constantly ignored/rejected (especially in addition to little jokes about how ugly, badly dressed and socially awkward i was and how my bf probably cheats on me) made me relapse pretty badly. How convenient to be cruel to the jobless, lonely loser and then blame it on AvPD.",Personality disorder +51567,Does Childhood Emotional Neglect Cause Avoidant Personality Disorder? Not sure if anyone shared this here before (its from 2016) but I thought it was an interesting read.,Personality disorder +51568,"Tendency to shutdown I'm sure I'm not the only one doing this but I find myself shutting down and withdrawing from people and situations to such an extent that I am unable to look them in the eye. It is triggered through different mechanisms but most often than not it is triggered by a situation in which I feel less worthy than what I already am. + +I have low self esteem and an extremely negative view of myself. Notwithstanding my past having an influence on that view. + +Some situations may come across as innocent; suppose you were friends with someone. Not direct friends, a friend of your significant other or a friend of a friend. This friend takes interest in you only at times where they are in your company. Or having a mental meltdown in my case. They never text. Truth be told, they never even ask about you. + +Another example, people ask you your opinion about something. You give it thinking it may be of use but then it turns out they didn't even bother listening. Or they brag to you about a choice they made when you suggested it in the first place. + +You feel like nobody sees you. Nobody respects you. Nobody listens to you. + +I withdraw and I shut down. Although I can try and look past it, I can never truly get over it. It adds to my negative outlook on life and it breaks me down further. Soon there'll be nothing left to break. + +I feel alone; levels that's been elevating over the last couple of years. I don't know if life is truly worth pursuing anymore. Any way, don't mind me. Just another rant.",Personality disorder +51569,"Negative self-centeredness This applies to social anxiety disorder, and many other mental illnesses, but if the sense of self is so negative, it also creates a negative perception of other people, and applies it back onto oneself, as the center object, even if self-esteem is low and esteem for others is idealized. It's important to teach people to have positive self-esteem regardless of what other people, but also to challenge the perceptions of other people in the first place.",Personality disorder +51570,,Personality disorder +51571,"It seems hopeless, but is there any way to find a remote job online if I have avpd and don't really have... any redeeming qualities or skills for the market due to lifelong isolation and self-sabotage? I know that people who have their psyche together have an extremely hard time finding jobs too, we live in very confusing times. And I'm less employable than most people of my age. I don't have a finished degree, I don't have presentable look, I don't really have hobbies other than videogames and some niche knowledge about obscure culture things, I'm not great at communicating, but more importantly I haven't worked or studied in about 4 years at this point, so I pretty much forgot how to look and present human at this point. I'm not really interested in anything in the normal sense either due to anhedonia or general dissociation from my own emotions and needs. I'm thinking about therapy as something that could guide me and help me in life, I know this is really ""all eggs in one basket"" kind of thing, but I genuinely only believe in one thing and it's therapy. And to pay for any therapy, I need money. But I'm so lost and hopeless in navigating job market, I'm practically terrified because I'm a grown ass person and I have never worked in my life before other than one small online gig I got by pure luck, and it was a one time thing, and it's not repeatable, and skills for that don't transfer anywhere. + +I've heard about things like rev or something like that, but they banned my country because of recent world events. I was researching different sort of freelance stuff but I consistently got terrified of having to promote myself or even commit to any craft at all due to self-defeating attitude my whole life. So in the end I don't know anything, don't have any skills other than fluent english and my native language, have absolutely no experience of any job whatsoever. It feels incredibly hopeless. Any tips? Maybe some websites that could help with making small money for manageable tasks? I'll be very grateful for any response.",Personality disorder +51572,"Disillusioned by therapy Maybe I'm being too critical, but I feel like therapy has not been helpful to me. I had finally reached out for help just before the pandemic and was seeing a therapist. She was extremely nice and it did help finally having someone to talk to. When everything switched to remote sessions during the pandemic, it seemed like she rushed through our sessions and sometimes they would be over in 15 minutes. I didn't confront her about this. I ended up just ghosting. I'm not happy with myself for doing that, but it's part of this illness I guess. + +I then went through my local university because I had read they had a good social anxiety program and saw a few a student therapists, again all very nice people, but I still felt stuck. About a year after seeing a few student therapists, I was informed my current student therapist was finishing their program and that I would need to find a new therapist outside of their program. They offered to show me how to find one on Psychology Today. I was already well aware of how to do this and was a bit surprised with how it seemed like they were just dumping me off. + +I'm 31 years old. It took me decades to finally ask for help. I'm not blaming anyone and I need to put in the work to succeed, but I have to say I was a bit disillusioned by the whole therapy experience. Just being honest.",Personality disorder +51573,"Anyone else idolize friends from their past? I hold onto memories of people who have left me seemingly endlessly. Good ones, bad ones. Perhaps because I believe they must be some kind of ‘special’ person to have enjoyed my company. I think my connections have always been more deep for me than the other person because I’m desperate. + +I wish I wouldn’t remember them. Wipe it all clean. Constantly being hit with intrusive thoughts of everyone who isn’t around and how difficult those relationships were is exhausting. + +I had a dream about a close friend who abandoned me (justifiably, not even my self esteem talking, I was a shitty person then) reconciling with me over lunch. Extremely vivid, and I felt so at peace after our conversation. So glad that she wanted to talk with me again. + +Then I wake up from this bliss, all alone. Go to school, alone. Come home and make dinner, alone. Go back to sleep, alone. + +It’s absolutely crushing to be so alone and feel like you don’t have the tools to come back from that.",Personality disorder +51574,"Does anyone else get really lonely sometimes and wish you had someone to talk to/ text all the time like others do? I am lucky to have a few friends but they don't reply for days and I just wish I had lots of people to talk to sometimes! Or when you do something cool/interesting and realise you don't have anyone to tell 😢 + +But I know if I did have close people like that id be stressed all the time about the relationships...",Personality disorder +51575,"Which fictional character resonates with you the most? Which character can you relate to the most and feels like they truly embody your personal experience? + +I'll go first and say, so far, it's probably Elsa of Frozen for me.",Personality disorder +51576,"Low EQ Parents I always knew that my dad was low EQ. + +But, my biggest epiphany was realizing that even my mom is low EQ. + +You always think that because women tend to express their emotions so readily, that they're high in EQ. + +BUT, beware, THAT IS NOT THE CASE. + +Emotional Expressiveness IS NOT THE SAME AS Emotional Intelligence!",Personality disorder +51577,"rejection this is kind of a stupid, petty thing to talk about but honestly, i just wanna get this off my chest. + +i have a friend, we've been friends for like, 5 years already and we've basically grown up together. we were both sort of socially withdrawn so all we had were one another, and so we'd talk everyday, all day. + +i remember this one time we had a conversation where they told me that they tend to ghost people and slowly pull back when they feel as if talking to someone starts to feel draining, or they just don't like the person anymore. + +lately, they've been pulling away, like replying less and less, and just ignoring me for the entire day. though, sometimes they'd stay and have a full conversation with me, but it's kind of rare and i get the feeling that they do it only to ""keep me there"", like to ensure my stay... kind of like a push and pull. + +it's not like they don't have time either. sometimes when we'd have a half conversation, they'd always, and i say always, talk about how they're connecting with someone, how they had fun with someone new, all this passionate stuff, and it just stings a bit. by a bit, i mean a lot. i know i'm not entitled to their time by any means but like, i just feel like i've been hit by a truck. i know they're purposely ignoring me, i know they're losing interest in me, i even get the feeling that we're growing out of one another. + +i'm just wondering... what about me isn't enough that's worthy of their time? am i not interesting enough? am i boring? i don't know. oh well, shit happens i suppose. i'm trying to fight the urge to isolate myself for half a year because i keep feeling rejected by them.",Personality disorder +51578,,Personality disorder +51579,,Personality disorder +51580,"I think I'm becoming a misanthrope. I keep seeing all these humans doing something they enjoy, doing something they're good at, doing something thar earns them a living. Worse than that, I keep seeing character development and growth. I keep seeing humans getting better. + +And I hate it. + +When is it gonna be my turn? No matter how fucking long it's been, nothing fucking changes.",Personality disorder +51581,L Im not sure who to fight for because i dont know who my enemies are. Im sorry to those who were like me who i could not be there. Hold strong,Personality disorder +51582,,Personality disorder +51583,"Do you feel that you fit in here? Or on Reddit in general? I've been mostly lurking around here for many months now, and I'm constantly seeing posts that make me feel like I don't belong, or I'm an odd one out. Like other people think and communicate in a certain way that's different from my own, or have an understanding of what AvPD means that clashes with my own, or they have (fairly ordinary) life experiences or achievements that seem impossible for me. + +I don't know how much of it is due to the condition itself (if AvPD is even the right label for my specific brand of brokenness), and how much of it is due to objective differences related to the fairly unusual path I've taken through life. + +Also, Reddit is regarded to have a kind of 'hive mind', where posters tend to express similar views in similar ways to the point where it's difficult to distinguish individuals. I see myself as an outsider looking at that from a distance, but do any of you see yourself as being a part of that? + +If you don't feel you fit in, why is that, specifically? What details about you clash with what you perceive as the Reddit or r/AvPD culture(s)? + +And if you DO feel you fit in, especially on Reddit in general, how does that relate to your AvPD? Is it easier to wear a metaphorical mask as a part of a collective, something like that? (That mask-wearing is something I see mentioned a lot here which makes me feel like I don't fit in, as I don't do it.) + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10kvhz6)",Personality disorder +51584,"Are you a fawn? In Pete Walker's work there are 4 types of trauma responses. Fight, flight, freeze, and the last least spoken about, *fawn*. + +Fawning is just as it sounds. You fawn over people. You people please and bend to their will even if you know it's fucking you over in the long run. + +I feel like being a fawn has caused me to hate people even more than I should lol. Because when people come around, they usually come with some bs that I don't really want anything to do with. + +Wanting favors, wanting me to be their emotional punching bag, wanting validation, wanting talk at me, wanting me to give them stuff etc. I don't have a back bone and it's really hard for me to tell people to kick rocks without feeling guilty + +So it just becomes another reason why I isolate myself. Nobody can drag me into their drama if nobody is there to begin with. + +Are you like this?",Personality disorder +51585,"Laziness is something we ascribe to normal people who just lack that inner drive The drive which most people were just born with. Dopamine cascades or whatever. + +Then there's us. The folk who just don't thrive on attention and competition. I absolutely believe we were born this way. + +I've tried, and failed, to describe this to so many psychiatrists and psychologists it's not even funny anymore. The schizoids call this anhedonia. Myself, I've always struggled to orgasm during sex. + + +We are OK. We're not psychopaths. We have empathy, and we have all the things in place in order to love.",Personality disorder +51586,I got an email. Can someone please hold my hand so I can open it? Thanks. /hj you don't actually gotta hold my hand aha,Personality disorder +51587,"Does anyone else ever get thoughts like “I don’t deserve to be walking down this hallway… I’m not important enough.” I think this is like a generalized imposter syndrome. Typically people feel like an imposter in their field of work, but this would be like that in all cases. I have a pretty underdeveloped sense of self. + + +While we’re at it, does anybody else constantly smile in social situations to minimize the chances of having to deal with hostility, danger, or stress from the other person? I just had the thought recently that this is why I smile constantly while talking to people. I recall the first time somebody asked me why I smiled all the time. I genuinely had no idea that I was smiling, but that would explain why people are usually cheerful around me! Apparently, this is referred to as “fawning”.",Personality disorder +51588,"What’s The Worst Job or Career For an Avoidant? Title - but + +What’s a job/career that an Avoidant would + +1. strongly dislike + +Or + +2. may struggle with doing core components of the job successfully",Personality disorder +51589,"Trying to explain the main difference between Social Anxiety and AvPD One of the most common questions on this subreddit is the difference between SAD and AvPD. Lately I've been trying to put it like this: + +**Social anxiety:** I'm afraid they'll see how nervous I am (fear of embarrassment) +**AvPD:** I'm afraid they'll see how inept I am (fundamental belief of inferiority) + +On top of that, AvPD is more severe (prevalent in every aspect of life) and persistant (there's no periods where you DON'T feel it), whereas SAD is situational (you might not feel anxiety in every social situation and go through periods where you feel less/no anxiety). But the belief of being inferior has to be the main thing that sets AvPD apart from SAD. Because of this deep-rooted belief, every social interaction, everything someone says can be taken as rejection and therefore as a confirmation of our beliefs about ourselves. Even positive situations can confirm these beliefs ('they like me now, but once they really know me they'll hate me' or 'they're only pretending to like me'). Another thing is, the belief of inferiority often shows up *outside* of social situations: e.g. avoiding doing homework/writing essays or even hobbies because you feel like it wouldn't be good enough. + +Does this make sense? Please correct me if it's too generalizing. I might delete this post later",Personality disorder +51590,"Ever (knowingly) met anyone else with avpd? Wouldn't that be great? A general acceptance understanding of eachother's issues. Instant common ground. I've been able to discuss mental health in general with people, but this disorder is so specific. I feel you have to have it to truly grasp what it's like to walk a day in the shoes",Personality disorder +51591,"Self-diagnosis for this, what do you think? Obviously I think therapy is extremely important this, but I also think it's one of those things that can be self-diagnosed. With the age of the internet, it's easy to get into the mode of self-diagnosis, whether it be for physical or mental illness. But, I feel emotionally struck by this, it's not a fun thing or something that feels relatable, it strikes me to the core and I don't want it to. I don't want this to be the reality, but it resonates so much more than social anxiety disorder ever did. I'm not saying that a feeling is an indicator of the truth, but I've read a lot about it and continuously have tried to think of ways in which I may not, but it fits so well. Beyond on the symptoms, I've dung into the roots, the commo thought patterns, behaviors, etc. It's not something I feel will pull me down or become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because as painful as it's been to learn about, it's something I feel refreshed by, in having language to explain my experiences and perception of myself. I thought I was self aware before, but I had a lot of false beliefs and I also have a tendency to detach from my unhealthy and hurtful behaviors.",Personality disorder +51592,"Trying to wrap my head around all of this, hear me out if you will :) So I'm 50 M diagnosed (adult) with high functioning autism. I have been lurking the schizoid community for some time because I have so much in common with the guys who post over there. Mostly, it's the anhedonia that really strikes a chord with me. + +The prevailing attitude over at r/schizoid seems to be this cavalier stance that loneliness is just a preference. Well, I take issue with this. Myself, I've been isolating on and off so much since even before puberty. Sure, it kind of feels good to not have to spend cognitive energy on social stuff. But loneliness is taking a toll on me. My brain operates on ""use it or lose it"", and I feel that now more than ever. Especially since covid-19. + +The more I isolate, which is something I can do day to day without sacrificing too much in the short run, the less high functioning I become. I guess I substitute beer, vidyas and parasocially engaging on YouTube for the real thing. It's kind of working, but I really miss intimacy and that human connection. I feel like I'm ever so slowly spiraling into insanity. :/",Personality disorder +51593,"Interview anxiety Hi all, + +I’ve been job searching since August but now that I have an offer for an in-person interview 2 days from now, I’m really struggling to respond, just to say that I can make it. I guess my education makes me very overqualified for it or something, and it’s seemingly a relatively asocial role, but the thought of even going to the interview fills me with anxiety. I know I have to change my circumstances but the clearest opportunities to do so are the points of greatest resistance.",Personality disorder +51594,"What attachment styles do you have? I was wondering what attachment style usually is related to avpd. I feel like I have fearful-avoidant since I'm for the most part really avoidant towards pretty much everyone but if I get close to someone, (I finally found some I can really trust and like very dearly) I'm very anxious for the most part and needy. There's times where I feel negatively towards them, mostly when I was too open but that happened mostly in the beginning. Now if it happens I know it's due to fear of something and it goes away rather quickly.",Personality disorder +51595,My therapist asked me today who was the most important person in my life and I laughed and cried cause honestly no one. That's it. That's the post.,Personality disorder +51596,"I feel the need to take revenge because I was isolated I don’t care if this sounds edgy I’m going to mention it anyways. I’ve been bullied out of school as the same with online. I’ve began to develop a hatred for anyone that’s not like me. I had a vent account and the amount of people who just didn’t understand how severe my isolation was insane. I had so many people telling me “you just want to be edgy” and I even got called “incel” on numerous occasions for saying women and relationships make me feel uncomfortable. It felt like everytime I reached out to others on the internet (what I thought could be a safe space lmao) there was always someone who had to pick me apart, and find everything wrong with me. After awhile I gave up trying to reach out and now on other social media accounts I say things just to piss people off. Even if I don’t agree with the things I say online half the time, I just need to get that rage from some people. I don’t know how this fixes anything for myself, if anything you’d think people telling me to end my life for fake opinions would get me to stop. I’ve come to hate almost everyone. As long as I know people were mad enough to send me death threats, I feel like i’ve given them some sort of revenge. I can’t do anything about what happened to me in my personal life and I hate it. I think feeling lonely for so long has made me feel anger toward those who didn’t accept me. Have any of you also gone through this or do I seriously need therapy?",Personality disorder +51597,"I only have one set of clothes. I can't imagine going to a clothing store. Buy only on the Internet. If I buy online, the size does not fit. I don't need a lot of clothes because I don't have to go out. + +I don't even go to the barbershop. I cut my own hair + +There is a supermarket right next to the house, but I don't go there. Necessary items are purchased through Internet delivery. I used to go to the supermarket often when I was young, but I'm 28 years old and still unemployed, so I'm afraid the supermarket owner will recognize me.",Personality disorder +51598,"I don’t understand how to get/do jobs Why are the descriptions of every job so alienating? Like I just don’t get why they write them like that. Not everyone they hire is a good communicator or excellent at whatever or fast paced. Fuck, I’m middle aged and I can’t do anything. Yes a bunch of that is the shame voice, but so? It feels like everything is constantly rejecting me by putting barriers everywhere and I’m already fucking exhausted from having to be alive. I just feel so dejected about doing literally anything for money. It’s been my most difficult barrier and all I want is someone to be gentle with me so I can trust them and give working a shot. But if they only want people with social and other skills they already don’t want me, so how is that fair?",Personality disorder +51599,"NEED a different career. Help! Are there any jobs that people are surviving with? Preferably something remote. + +I do play based therapy with toddlers with autism and my client is not doing well in a classroom environment that he moved to in December. There is a boy who seeks him out and tries to bully him. + + Yesterday this girl in the classroom confronts me about how his tantrums are not because he is overwhelmed but insinuating that I cause the behaviors because I let him out of activities when he is upset. + + +Well, I don't want to traumatize a 2 year old, so I do try to be sensitive to him and his needs. I think putting a 2 year old with a lot of sensitivities in a loud classroom was a bad idea anyway. It is 3am and I can't sleep because of this. I need a new job, I need a new job, I need a new job. I just don't know what.",Personality disorder +51600,How common is it to develop aggression as a pw avpd as a way to cope with the fear? Starting to learn more about avpd. People talk about the fight or flight reaction and i myself have experienced it where i thought i either have to fight or run away but i was wondering if pw avpd ever experience this and hence grow up to be somewhat antisocial?,Personality disorder +51601,"Today i'm going to get judged really hard and I struggle to keep it together atm... We're presenting our art pieces to a panel of really judgemental people. There are horror stories of them being rude to people that present their work, and judging them pretty harshly. I'm not sure how legit those stories are but I'm really scared. I'm worried I'll cry in front of everybody if I get criticized too hard. + +On top of that executive dysfunction absolutely wrecked me this semester and my art pieces are pretty fucking shit. It's not the case of ""an artist doesn't see how beautiful their art is"", it's objectively rushed because I couldn't work on it. + +I'm so scared :c",Personality disorder +51602,"I got a raise :) I've worked as a baker at a cafe for a little under a year, and here bakers are supposed to also answer the phone and take orders + have some cashier training, which I just... couldn't really do, so we worked out a tentative agreement for me to only do opening baking, which is only about 25 hours a week. + +Today my boss told me that I've been doing really good work and that he's over me not answering the phone because it's obvious I care about what I'm doing. Now I've got more hours/responsibilites, the same days off every week, PTO, and a 2.50 raise! I started here when I was still in high school so this kinda feels like I've done something to prove myself as a real employee even though I never really think I'm doing good at all. + +But it gives me so much hope that even if I'll never be 100% with communication there's still good qualities I have and people can appreciate them. The thing I'm happiest about is that they know I care. Because I really really do and I didn't think there was any way to express it.",Personality disorder +51603,,Personality disorder +51604,"I barely drink water because of AVPD At my job, there is only one drinking fountain in the very large floor I work at. So that means it's always crowded. As if that's not bad enough, it's far from my office, which means you have to cross paths with loads of people to get there. For those reasons going for water is always a nightmare of awkwardness and anxiety, and I avoid it as much as possible. As a result, I end up so thirsty most of the day, craving that delicious cold water, but the thirst is not worse than the suffering the anxiety gives me. This disorder is so fkng weird.",Personality disorder +51605,,Personality disorder +51606,"I hate that people think that it is my fault that I am like this I didn’t choose this, I didn’t choose to be scared of people, I didn’t choose to be avoidant and have stupid anxieties in social settings. + +The thing that people think that I am like this by choice hurts me even more. It’s like I had a choice at the start of my life to and I chose to have serious mental illnesses. + +I didn’t choose this, just environment where I lived caused me this. + +People don’t really tell me this, but the way they behave around me is obvious that they think that I it is my choice.",Personality disorder +51607,"""Levels/degress"" of AvPD Recently, i was watching a live of Personality Disorders, and this psychiatry said that there is a reason of why AvPD isn't diagnosed enough or ""clinically useless"" (i didn't like this term): sometimes the AvPD is ""mild"" so it's confused with a normal anxiety, or when more serious it's diagnosed as Social Anxiety. + The aforementioned speech makes me real pessimistic about this disorder, as iit makes clear that we are really neglected. ""Clinically useless"", what the hell? + I think that there's a reason for so much misinformation about AvPD: the people who know the most about this disorder are those who suffer daily on skin, but we can't provide clinical care because we are weakened, so there's a big cycle of misinformation and no progress. In short, average people cannot understand us satisfactorily. :( + Advances on this disorder will certainly come, but I believe it will not be so soon. + I hope you guys may have understood my point. Discussions are open. :)",Personality disorder +51608,"DAE have extreme anxiety in professional/performance settings? I have a huge problem with anxiety at work and have very big problems with avoidance. My emotional difficulties have gotten to the point many times where I have made absolutely awful mistakes at work and have been too panicked/incapacitated/cowardly to take responsibility for myself. + +It’s become a negative cycle spanning years and I never seem to get better. It’s decimated my self esteem and riddled my life with stress and anxiety, and of course imposter syndrome in every professional situation with any decent level of responsibility. + +Under pressure I don’t push through and rise to the challenge, I completely choke and “take my hands off the wheel” in panic-avoidance, causing “car crash” situations and so much stress to those who manage me. If I wasn’t working with family I would be fired and destitute as I feel I can’t be trusted with anything. + +Everyone in my circle is very smart and high functioning, and can take responsibility for themselves and be relied upon to get their jobs done. I’m 30 and I can’t take myself seriously as an adult. + +I suppose what I want to ask, is if any of this resonates with you guys? I’m just lost as to what is wrong with me to be so ineffectual and I feel so much shame. + +Apologies for the rant.",Personality disorder +51609,"Have you had covid? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10k17kb)",Personality disorder +51610,"AvPD doesn’t mean that your brain is ill right? I was thinking that AvPD isn’t caused by some brain illness. It is very possible that most people with AvPD have healthy brain right? + +I feel like AvPD is just that we learned things incorrectly, we were exposed to some very stressful situations as child and our brains learned that that situation this is bad. + +And now our functioning brain is reminding us with anxiety that this situation is familiar from past when we were learning things. And this anxiety is causing us to avoid these situations because we were learnt that they are bad. + +So from this point we can say that our brain is normally functioning? Brain is doing what it is supposed to be doing, trying to stay out of danger and survive.",Personality disorder +51611,"Professor made eye contact and I had to throw up Two weeks before my calc prof came to tell me how disappointed he was in me for my poor grades and lack of turning in assignments. It had way too much of an impact. I literally couldn't show up to the next two classes. + +I finally get back and he's doing standard lecture stuff, talking while scanning the large crowd so people feel more engaged. His eyes grazed mine a second. I know it meant nothing logically. It's just how people talk to crowds, sweeping eyes. But in that moment, I decided his gaze was a glare, a disapproving irritated message straight to me. I felt like a failure, terrible. I left the classroom quietly. Soon as I reached the hallway, I ran. I ran to the bathroom to throw up. + +Just a second of eye contact and it destroyed me. I hate being like this lmao.",Personality disorder +51612,A person I follow on Instagram misunderstood me and criticised me This hurts so bad. Why is life so painful. I’ve followed them for years.,Personality disorder +51613,"It is surprising AvPD is not more common since most trauma is caused by other people: **physical assault** +**sexual abuse** +**childhood abuse** +**war and conflict** +**gang violence** +**witnessing someone being killed** +**terrorist events** +**torture** +**sequestration** +**homicide attempt** +**domestic abuse** +**emotional abuse** +**neglect** +**abandonment** +**school violence** +**discrimination** +accidents +serious health problems +the death of someone close and important +childbirth experiences, such as losing a baby +forced displacement +exposure to traumatic events at work +poverty",Personality disorder +51614,,Personality disorder +51615,"Who else here is limerant? Just wanting to get an idea of the number of people who are limerant for unavailable people. For me it's always a man in a teaching or mentorship position who is married. Married because that means I'm safe. He's not going to act, I'm not going to act. There isn't going to be a relationship. The attraction is just going to float in the air like a butterfly. Such intense but unattainable beauty. So much out of reach. I am in close almost daily contact with such a man. Its annoying me, because I know its hopeless and could never go anywhere, but I am addicted to it. Addicted to any little morsel of recognition he gives me. Addicted to making him laugh. It makes my day to make him laugh. He has no idea about the depth of my feelings because I am a person with AvPD and I know how to hide my emotions, even lie about them and shut everything down. My brain is basically screaming 'stay safe, stay safe.' I don't know who I am more annoyed with, me or him. I think making him laugh is the way I make him comfortable with my attraction to him. Its like it must be pretty obvious; I'm basically broadcasting 'I don't love you, I'm just an awkward friendly doofus, please like me.' It is intensely sad to me that this is the closest I will get to love. But even that is addictive. Sad beauty. Sad beauty is better than the grey anhedonia I am used to. I hope this makes sense. I hope someone understands or can relate.",Personality disorder +51616,"now that i think about it, everytime ive become suicidal is because of other people my self confidence could not be any lower after years of rejection and not fitting in anywhere. + +i now realise if i just dont get involved with people ill be ok. + +its always been one step foward two steps back when i try to intergrate. + +can't be rejected and hurt if im on my own and thats starting to seem fine to me.",Personality disorder +51617,"had a successful weekend :) I was diagnosed with AvPD a little over 2 weeks ago, after knowing what it is for years and being in various stages of denial. I’ve spent most of the past couple weeks just feeling shitty and hopeless but I decided to reach out to people a couple days ago, went on a date yesterday and hung out with an old friend I haven’t seen in years and their friend for a couple hours today! I even texted a support group chat to hold me accountable (even though I usually never say anything) + +plus, my roommates had people over yesterday and while I still isolated I at least got myself to make polite conversation in passing. old habits die hard so I’m not exactly expecting this to stick yet but I’m proud of myself!",Personality disorder +51618,"Is it ok to only answer questions in messages? Whenever I see a '?' in a text or instant message I know I must answer it otherwise it will seem rude. That to me is simple. The problem I have is if someone follows it up with a comment. Is it rude to just leave it on read? Sometimes I will want to reply or add something to it but I worry it will prolong the conversation and make it harder to finish it. I could say something simple like 'yes' or 'definitely' but it sounds kinda lazy to communicate like that like. + +I just left someone on read after their comment and can't help but think I should have made a short reply just to acknowledged it at least.",Personality disorder +51619,"Looking for an AVPD friend I would really like to have an AVPD friend to talk to when I really don't feel like putting on this stupid mask of pretending to be normal. I'm 23 years old, looking for someone preferably around my age. Also I'm from Cali n Latino. Hopefully I can meet up n be irl friends? Shoot me a dm. I just think that if I can't find my place anywhere else I can find it here with y'all. I mean we understand exactly what it's like to be this way. So I just wanna say that I'll be accepting of u and I hope you will too. I just don't want to feel so alone.",Personality disorder +51620,"Irritated with oppression Olympics between AvPD and Schizoid PD T/w angry rant ahead + +What the hell is the oppression Olympics between AvPD and SzPD all about with some people on this sub? + +There are all these casual mentions of things like “well my life sucks but at least I’m happy I don’t have SzPD” that keep showing up lately. + +Why not just say something about being relieved not having to experience **social anhedonia**? It’s not the only symptom experienced by people with SzPD, although it seems to be simplified into that. + +I don’t understand the obsessive need of some of the people in this sub to glorify that they are somehow winning against other mental ill people simply because they don’t experience social anhedonia. + +Experiencing social anhedonia is not a intentional choice of people with Schizoid PD. It would be like saying people with ADHD are choosing to be inattentive. + +Also, there is a lot more to SzPD then the one symptom that some people in this sub seem to be hyperfixating on. + +END RANT",Personality disorder +51621,"Avoidance confusion Anyone else have to think about if they’re avoiding/pushing away someone because they genuinely don’t like that person or just because commitment is scary? I moved in with a friend and, surprise surprise, it didn’t go well. But also there were a lot of things they did that really upset. And when I expressed my feelings they used my mental health against me, despite the fact that I never really talked about it with them in the first place. This is just one example of someone who I wonder if it was my mental health/avoidance issues or if I genuinely didn’t want to be around them because of the layers of things they did that upset me while living together, that made me see who they truly were as a person. Or am I just coming up with excuses?",Personality disorder +51622,"Get angry because of noisy people, do you guys feel that? My cousins (14-16y) often come to my house, they are pretty noisy at night and i like to go to bed early, so it bothers me. I tell them to be quiet, but soon they are making a lot of noise again. Sometimes i went up to them and scold them, sometimes even calling them names, such was the anger. My mother says that I am not very understanding and very hard on them. I feel like I got a little bit of the avoidant trait from her personality. +I'm not diagnosed with AvPD, but i'm pretty sure that i have it. Idk if this reactive response to noise could be a CPTSD thing. In summary, i wanna now if this is a AvPD response. Anyone relate? + I hope that it's understandable, english isn't my frist language. :)",Personality disorder +51623,"Ok but what now? ( career change ) I am currently making a transition from being a barista and supervisor at a coffee chain to attempting becoming a baker. Retail has burnt me out to my core, exacerbated my AVPD, and I'm convinced making this change might help me feel more at peace in my day-to-day because I have more control over my social interactions at work. + +However, I am having a hard time maintaining contact with the bakeries I'm trying to be recognized by without running into those anxieties that lead me to putting off an email or stopping by to introduce myself for a little too long, and thusly becoming what some would consider unprofessional in my communications. Would anyone have any advice to spare about how to 1) Apologize for the wait and possible inconvenience 2) When and how do I advocate for myself 3) if it's likely, how can I save my professional relationships with others when I let my anxiety call too many shots?",Personality disorder +51624,"I am impressed by my ability to make girls to be mad at me It happened to me few times in my life, I felt like there was a girl who was interested in me and then suddenly she became mad at me. And it was without reason, maybe the reason was that she expected me to do something, but I did nothing. And then suddenly her very friendly behavior changed to mad behavior and she started avoiding me. + +This is one of the things I am really good at, other than that I am bad pretty much at anything.",Personality disorder +51625,"Do you think telling my flatmate about AvPD would be weird? I almost don't talk to any of them, but there is one guy I kinda like so of course I avoid him even more. Once in a while we happen to meet in the kitchen and he usually initates some conersation. He is very nice and I feel like he'd be understanding. Would it be weird to tell him something like ""sorry I don't talk much to you guys I have avoidant personality""? Idk I feel like it might make him uncomfortable and it's kind of oversharing. But I feel like it'd remove this barrier between us at least a little bit? Idk I might be wrong.",Personality disorder +51626,"I'm your schizoid neighbour, hi! I don't know what's like in here but on r/schizoid ""AvPD"" is discussed very often. All sorts of questions and discussions because we avoid people as well but for another reason, so we always have someone asking if they are schizoid or AvPD and what the differences are. + +Anyways, I was very curious to come check you all and I'd like to know this, nothing complex: **what's your favorite hobby?** Plus: do you you feel like you would have different hobbies if you didn't avoid people? If so, what would you love to do? Share your dreams! + +I go first: I can spend an entire day just looking at a wall, I don't have hobbies. My schizo side doesn't stop at my schizoid personality, so I can't speak for the entire schizoid sub, but if you check there you'll see that we don't like much stuff - music is almost an unanimity, but besides that... you won't find much, so I'm always curious to know what people likes, it fascinates me.",Personality disorder +51627,,Personality disorder +51628,"Do you also don't want to get rid of your AvPD? Because avoiding makes so much sense to you? Do you also actively don't want relationships (in terms of wanting to stay on your own & not wanting to want relationships)? Relationships are not paying off. +I don't view being avoidant & mostly alone a bad thing. Only the insecurity and anxiety in social situations is what I want to get rid of.",Personality disorder +51629,"Do you have a desire for relationships? Relationships in general (platonic & romantic). + +Hope the options to choose are sufficient... + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10inkqj)",Personality disorder +51630,"I hate this disorder I am so embarrassed about litterally evertything that i do and say, and i dont know how to live with this disease for the rest of my life. I hate it so much, how do you guys cope with this stupid disease? I feel like i cant live my life like this",Personality disorder +51631,"AvPD and Psychedelics Does anyone have any experience with psychedelics? I've personally never done them, but I feel like they could possibly be useful in treating non-curable disorders like AvPD (in a guided session with a certified therapist). I've read about the dissolution of ego people some times experience during psychedelic trips and it seems like that would be helpful for AvPD.",Personality disorder +51632,,Personality disorder +51633,"I just want to be normal I just want to have friends and a girlfriend like a normal person. I have friends, but I cant relate to them, I feel very uncomfortable around them, I feel like they bully me, treat me badly and do stuff I find uncomfortable. I have two siblings that are able to function socially and have friends and lovers, it is too painful, I feel extreme envy, since I was a child I used to hang out with my brothers friends cause I was too socially inept to make my own, I am still that way I feel. I am filled with extreme suicidal pain everyday, I try to have some hope and carry on, and soothe myself, but the pain is so immense, and I am struggling to keep up the hope. It is horrific. + +:( How do you guys stay hopeful and optimistic, do you see any progress?",Personality disorder +51634,"How has your week been? Explain how your week went in the comments ❤️ + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10i9u4n)",Personality disorder +51635,"I love Lexapro I am proud of my imperfections because they make me who I am. I wouldn't be me without them, and I like me.",Personality disorder +51636,"I can't handle being in a Barbers. I normally just buzz it all off and then let it grow long and then buzz it all off. This time I got a hair cut what requires me to go in to the barbers every couple of weeks. I normally go 3 times a year max because it's mentally exhausting in every way. my hair is so annoying I have a cow flick and a double crown so it looks funky asf when growing out, so I kinda just neglect my appearance because I just don't want to go through going to a Barbers.. I neglect all the appointments I have regarding doctors and disability benefits. This disorder bleeds into every nook and cranny of my life, it doesn't discriminate lmao.. I wanna die 😬.",Personality disorder +51637,,Personality disorder +51638,"Not willing to risk rejection 31 years old. Never dated. I'd rather be alone than put myself out there and risk rejection. That is not to say that I prefer to be alone, the loneliness sucks, but just thinking about being rejected hurts too much.",Personality disorder +51639,"Rant sorry. My heart just hurts. I feel very alone, which I have a lot of my life subconsciously so it’s not usually an issue but the last 4/5 months especially have been intensely lonely. + +I go the gym, try to eat good, meditate etc. Some things help temporarily but most of the time I’m in my own head. It’s weird, I get along with most people I come into contact with but also actively avoid a further friendship from any of them. + +The only pressure I feel to have friends is because it’s viewed as odd for a female to have no friends. - my family members all have friends or people they hang out with…..Me I isolate with my dog in my room 24/7, I even play games alone now couldn’t handle having gaming friends anymore. - the only person I talk to is my cousin. I want to escape everything I feel but I’m trapped.",Personality disorder +51640,,Personality disorder +51641,"Avoiding everything, doing nothing Had a YT channel, got a decent amount of views. Deleted the channel and all videos. + +Had an account on an art website, where I spent countless hours sharing art I spent countless hours on everyday. Deleted it. It had the only copies of my art. Last time I sketched was 2019. + +Used to game for hours everyday. Deleted all my games and got rid of my console and TV. + +Used to play instruments, working on an album. Got rid of the instruments and the songs (100+). + +Tried a dating app outta curiosity, got matches. Blocked them, deleted the app. + +Got interviews for my dream companies. Declined them. + +Used to love books, reading entire novels front to back in one sitting. Now my mind goes blank when I see blocks of text. I had to separate the lines in this post to read it. + +Ordered food. Cancelled because I didn't wanna be seen by the driver or any neighbors. + +Used to play sports and go to the gym daily. Quit all sports and haven't been to the gym in 3 years. + +Having stupid mini anxiety attacks because I'm scared my avoidance of everything is catching up to me and I'll be homeless. + +Saving as much money as I can because I refuse to believe I actually have a job or deserve one. Scared that the amount I saved isn't enough and I'm doomed if I lose my job. + +Scared that my minor health issues might actually be major.",Personality disorder +51642,"What is your eye color? I know, nothing related to AvPD, just curious. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/10hyt3u)",Personality disorder +51643,"How much of your avpd surrounds your appearance? I've been told I'm pretty but I almost never believe it lol. I don't like attention of any kind, good or bad. I noticed that I have this weird perfectionism that I have to ""look good"" for people. Ofc you want to be presentable + +But I take it overboard. I won't leave my house if I feel too badly about my appearance that day. I feel like I'm offending people by not looking good. I'm pretty sure this stems from ofc, childhood. + +I didn't care too much for looks as a kid, I just wanted to have fun. But my dad would constantly judge my hair, want me to change my clothes so I can look better. Every thing was about appearances with him. He would constantly look at himself, even in windows while walking out in public. + +He'd spend hours getting dressed (despite having no hair, so I don't get what took so long 🤭). I noticed I've picked up the same habits. I care far too much for my appearance when logically I know most people don't care. And if they do care, that's kind of weird. + +Are you like this? How does your appearance play into your avpd?",Personality disorder +51644,"I don’t see myself living a long life… Is that weird? When I look into the future…it’s black. I cannot get myself to visualize my life past today. It feels like I’m just floating all day with zero idea what I want for the next day. I’ve been thinking this for about 7 months now, and just wanted to see if anyone can relate. Is this something I should worry about?",Personality disorder +51645,"It’s like I live in different world In country where I live, there were president elections and I didn’t even know about it until I went to someone I know and they asked me who I think will win president elections. It was already day after voting and they were just counting votes. I acted like I knew about it, but I didn’t. + +Like I don’t watch news or anything, so I am out of loop in lots of things that are happening and I don’t care much about politics honestly. + +I also can’t vote in this country, because I am a foreigner here, so that’s another thing why I don’t care about it much. But fk, the thing that president elections just slipped through without me even knowing about them, I found this to be ridiculous. Because it is always such a big event, how could I miss this? + +I also missed USA president elections (I am not USA citizen, I live in Europe). I learned that Biden is president 1.5 year later (sometime in 2022 summer) after he was elected. I still thought that Trump was president lol. + +I realized that I withdrawn from life too much, but it wasn’t even my choice. It was also because of COVID and that government forced us to just stay at home. I isolated myself from other people for almost 2 years, and now I am trying to go out again and trying to put my life back together.",Personality disorder +51646,"Does anyone else here want a loving caring close relationship but at the same time just can’t get comfortable with the idea of being with someone else? I’m 28 and soon to be 29. Due to childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect, I grew very up lonely and to this day have never been in a relationship. I tried online dating and met a few people. Unfortunately no one panned out. While I’ll admit I wasn’t interested in any of them, I also just find myself feeling uncomfortable being with someone who knows your close personal life. I’ve never really had a close relationship with anyone my whole life. I’ve always been a loner and it’s been my comfort zone. + +I fantasize and would just love to have a partner who I can spend time with. But I have so little confidence and so worried about being judged that I just can’t put in the effort to start a serious relationship. I’m a weird loser with no friends and no hobbies, even if I have a good career and ok life otherwise. Being close with someone else makes me feel so uncomfortable. I also get exhausted by look at what it takes to maintain a relationship. I’m hoping I can get over this one day. Anyone else feel the same way?",Personality disorder +51647,"Have you ever had “best friend”? From most posts I read here it seems like most of you had avoidant behavior since childhood, and it was the same for me. + +So considering you were avoidant since you were a child, you probably had issues making friends since then. So have you ever had someone you called your “best friend” and they called you their “best friend” too? + +I had friend like this, we were “best friends” for about 19 years. When I left for University, then we stopped being in contact slowly. We met few times after that, but at this point I feel like we are not even friends anymore. + +But he was my good friend I have to say, he knew that I was shy and weird, but he always called me out to meet with people.",Personality disorder +51648,"Overwhelmed with everything right now I just started working in my first job after finishing university and I'm constantly worried about getting fired. I also constantly feel like my coworkers hate me. I'm moving out into my first own apartment at the end of the month and I'm overwhelmed with all the things I have to take care of. I'm most likely also not going to see my friends again after moving away and I'm scared of being lonely in the new place. I also have to spend a lot of money on furniture and I'm worried about picking the wrong stuff. Additionally I have to make contracts for internet, electricity etc. And what if I don't like the apartment after moving in? I wish I didn't have to make that many decisions.",Personality disorder +51649,"I wanted to be different. So, when I was younger, I knew perfectly well that my family had issues, the only thing was that I thought that it was normal. I looked at my parent's divorce, how poor my parents both were, my mother's constant struggles with drugs, mental health, jobs, and relationships and figured that there were more kids at school who's parents also divorced, so what makes mine any different? + +I kept going through life, made basically no friends, and in the fifth grade I moved parents. I switched from living with my mother to living with my father. +It was strange as both parents had very different parenting styles. + +My mother was more uninvolved due to her relationships, mental health, and other issues. On the other hand, my father is very authoritarian and often wasn't home as he spent his entire day at his office. + + I don't want to keep going on about the messes that happened in my life because I feel like I'm just complaining at this point. I just wish my family cared more. + +It's strange to think that after all the signs I showed, my family did nothing. They didn't stop and think something was wrong because they were so focused on everything else. And after everything I did to try and help my family members too, it's like they never considered that I was hurting too. + +When my brother's depression led him to be hospitalized, why would nobody think that hurt me? +Or when my dad lost his grandfather and he couldn't hold himself together? I comforted him while my brother (though given his condition I don't blame him) remained distant. + +There's plenty more, too much that I did that someone else should have done. Children shouldn't have to be adults because their parents are too busy or naive to do it themselves. + +I know I'm not giving much detail given some of the things I've mentioned, so, I'm sorry for that, I'm just not ready to share those things yet. + +I want nothing more than to leave my relatives behind and never look back, because all I can remember is how they failed me, and how I actually believed that they were good people until someone finally got close enough to me to see how bad my life was. I still can't believe someone had to tell me these weren't normal and that I did have bad parents. + +I grew up not knowing that these bad things were actually bad. I thought it was normal, and maybe to some degree they are normal, but definitely not all of it. Because I thought how I felt was normal and because when I did try to speak up I was invalidated by those relatives who had also gone through something. + +Just because I could hide my pain better than them didn't mean they were hurting worse than I was, but it sure made them feel that way. + +I wanted so badly to be different than everyone else because of this. I saw people who were hurting, who thought that I was normal, so I didn't want to end up like them. If what I was was normal, then I promised myself I would watch the mistakes my relatives made and not copy them. + + I would be someone different, someone people would like because I ""had it all together/under control"". But I didn't, I was just hiding. I wanted so badly to be someone special, because maybe then I would feel wanted or accepted. + + And now because of that, it hurts me deeply when people say my condition is normal. I just can't bring myself to believe that this is normal, that ""everyone"" feels like this. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. That's why I hid, because if I did try to show people that I was hurting, then they would just brush me off and invalidate me again. + +I wanted to be special, and now to some degree I guess I am, but I don't even know if I want to be. + +Without this condition why would anyone care about me? But with this condition it wouldn't matter if they did anyway, I'll have so much trouble just trying to accept that someone actually wants to be near me for some reason. + +Of everything that I want, I want just a few things. +I want to move far away from my family and never see them again so I don't have to be reminded of my past. I want to be a better person who's past doesn't define them, that way I can be myself and be okay around other people. And lastly, if I can get those other two things, then I want to be in a relationship with nice woman, someone who will support me and understand that I'm not always going to be okay, but I'll still try my best to support her. Of course there's more to a relationship than that, but having someone who can be empathetic with me is definitely something I'm looking for. + + +Well, that's it for now. I want to apologize for this being so long and uncoordinated. I hope this doesn't make anyone feel bad, I know there's a bunch of negative things in this and I'm sorry about that. + +I really hope y'all are doing well. ❤️",Personality disorder +51650,,Personality disorder +51651,"I'm So Sick of Thinking Someone Hates Me When They Don't Call Back This has been going on since I was a child. A friend or family member doesn't answer my call and after a half hour I start to worry that they don't care about me anymore. I'm an extremely logical person, but can't help following that sinking emotion that has me analyzing all these dooming scenarios that leaves me wondering if I said something that pissed them off or if they figured something out about our relationship and decided to move on. I know better, but have never been able to relieve myself. I guess I just cant help but to feed the worry over believing in myself and the people close to me.",Personality disorder +51652,,Personality disorder +51653,I had to drink vodka to upload a video on yt :( It's either drinking or being on Helex,Personality disorder +51654,"Is there anyone interested in joining a group for AvPD on Telegram? **Edit:** The Telegram group has been created, here's the invitation link: https://t.me/+r_m6p58MZUhmZDdk + +- Number of members as of 2022/07/30: **71** +- Number of members as of 2022/09/26: **158** +- Number of members as of 2022/12/25: **219** + +We created a [Telegram](https://www.telegram.org/) group/room for people with AvPD who want to talk to other people with AvPD, to break the loneliness, pass the time, make friends or just lurk. + +Please introduce yourself briefly (for instance: name, age, sex, country, languages spoken, hobbies) when joining the group. Also, remember to welcome people who just joined the group. + +If you have any suggestions or ideas to improve (in quality) the group, if you want to create an event or anything that might improve the experience of the group, feel free to share them in the group and ping me. + +[Telegram](https://telegram.org/) is available on PC (Windows), macOS, Linux, iPhone (iOS), iPad (iOS) and Android phones and tablets. There's also a Web version (but you first need to install it on one of your devices to use it). + +**Note:** You can also speak your native language in this group (if at least one other member also speak it).",Personality disorder +51655,,Personality disorder +51656,"Anyone else have nothing in common with other people? When I see normal people constantly talk and have fun with it, I'm genuinely shocked. How the hell do they have something to talk about all the time?? How do they know what would be interesting to the person they talk to? + +It feels like I operate on lvl 1 of social skills, while everyone else is already on lvl 100. Nobody around me has the same lvl, so I can't even train to become stronger; doomed to lose every encounter.",Personality disorder +51657,"Being a ghost would be my ideal form of existence. I really enjoy watching people live their lives, listening indirectly to their conversations while in public, being an observer of events etc. My problem is having to interfere on the world, I hate having to talk and to do things that will have consequences in it. I wish I could just watch life like a tv show or as if I was a ghost, in a way that no one could see me, nothing would be expected of me and I wouldn't need to worry because I would be certain of it. I could just contemplate the world in peace. + +Some of you guys may have watched Euphoria and I definitely feel a connection with the description made about Lexi, how she felt like she was an just observer and that her life was not really her life, just some sort of play or movie. + +These days I been having the classic ""I want to leave all behind and live in the woods with just a dog"" idea and daydreams, and I guess that a big part of it is because I feel like there I could be like this, or at least similar enough. Be an observer of nature, never having to deal with socialization again, only brief interactions for, let's say, buy necessary stuff from other people (which I don't mind). I know this isn't realistic for my context and also that it probably wouldn't be this magical thing, but it's a fantasy that brings me satisfaction. + +I guess I'm just burned out of people. A lot of bad things happened in my relational and social life since childhood till last year and I'm really bitter about it right now. Of course I want to find real connection, where I could be myself openly and comfortably, but because it always goes wrong and brings disappointments I'm really hopeless at this point and honestly kinda angry. I don't have patience for people anymore, I'm tired, I'm being judgy as hell and I'm activelly avoiding new people.",Personality disorder +51658,,Personality disorder +51659,"I am hurting Lately I just feel like garbage. I havent left the house much in like 2 weeks, and I've been missing class. It all feels too overwhelming for me, but being at home makes me feel like trash too...I cant win. I cant sleep right either. I wake up every other hour and im so tired.... + +I feel so angry and anxious lately too because I feel as if everyone hates me and that they're happier without me. My friends hardly talk to me lately. I see them on social media chatting and making plans to call/play games and im never included lately. Im not surprised though. Who'd want to be friends with someone as depressed and broken as me? + +I want to crawl in a hole and disappear :(",Personality disorder +51660,"I can't cope with my job I work from home as a software developer, most aspects of the job are too triggering, and I can’t handle it. + +Every morning starts with a daily update meeting. Since I usually had done only 0-30 minutes of work the previous day, I have no update to give, I panic and have to lie, and the lie is transparent. Afterwards I have to cool down from the shame, guilt, and stress. It’s already hard to recover from the procrastination because everything I do, with the code or on Slack, has a timestamp, a notification, and is visible to everyone. Once there’s something I’m avoiding (committing code, deploying code, posting the code for review, responding to someone, testing code, an upcoming meeting, etc.) I often go offline from inactivity, and then I’m afraid to even open my laptop (which can take hours to overcome) because once I do everyone can see I’m online on Slack; my procrastination then is immediately visible to the people who are impacted and who are looking for it i.e. people I’m not responding to, my manager. + +I already got in trouble for not doing my work, missing meetings, not responding to people for days or weeks, and just not showing up some days without telling anyone. I was put on a month-long probation, which I’ve gotten past only because I didn’t ghost entire days during that time. I have frequent meetings with my manager and I have to pretend I’m struggling way less than I am. I can’t admit that half or more of the days I do absolutely nothing, or how much communicating with people — the most important part of the job — so fundamentally terrifies me. + +I know every trick in the book about procrastination, time management, breaking down tasks, but that’s not enough when I’m this afraid of people. I’ve accepted I need help from another person. I’ve talked about this some with friends, but none of them understand, so all they can provide is sympathy. I have a psychiatrist and I’ve been trying to find a therapist, but they’ve all been unhelpful, many actively harmful. + +I know it's a slow process, but every single day at work is like torture, and I’m on very thin ice. Because I can’t get the work done, it’s not endurable, and I don’t have the time or energy to work on all the other parts of my life in dire need of work. I don’t want to quit because I haven’t been here that long and I had a big gap between quitting my previous job (for the same reasons). But I can’t stay like this for months until I find someone and begin making progress. + +I don’t know what to do",Personality disorder +51661,"AE feel like this? I’m 24 and don’t have a stunningly high body count, it never used to bother me but once i hit my 20s and people i knew hit that phase of sleeping around and doing the casual relationship thing it just hooked into my brain + +I tried to do the whole hoe phase thing but i’m terrified of everything around being more intimate with someone, making moves, doing things right, my own body; just not being able to keep up the act ive got going and having to have someone see all of me, you know? + +and on paper i know it’s fine not everyone on earth is hoeing it up, either side of the spectrum is fine, but my brains really latched onto this as another thing that makes me different from everyone else and something people are going to judge me for. like i’m not a person because no one’s ever really wanted me. & every time someone brings it into conversation i just feel physically sick with how much of the biggest freak i feel like + +i’m sorry if this barely makes sense i just really needed to get this off my chest",Personality disorder +51662,"How to deal with in-person avoidance? Hi dear community! + +I have a question, my partner has AVPD. We have been dating for some months. + +And I noticed that when he’s going through an anxiety “episode” or moment. He sort of physically avoids me. + +For example if he feels embarrassed, or has low self esteem particularly high that moment. He will “hide” behind his laptop, or walk behind or in front of me, distancing himself physically, while still being kind, it’s more of a way of hiding from me, when he can’t actually leave. (For example when we share a hotel room on vacation) + +I did notice that when I grab his hand to hold mine while walking, that he does reciprocate(even when he tried to walk behind me or further away from me) but I’m not sure if he does it to please me but dislikes it, or if he likes it that I’m gently being reassuring and consistent. + + +My dear Avpd-Ers- when feeling low, do you like being comforted, or do you truly want someone to take distance and leave you alone? I just want to learn how to handle the situation so he feels comfortable! + +Thanks everyone !!",Personality disorder +51663,,Personality disorder +51664,"Expressing myself I feel like I’ve had a realization in the last few months that I wanted to share. It’s that one of the ways forward with this disability for me is to learn how to honestly express myself without distortion, and to do that constantly without regard for the fact that it causes me pain and discomfort. + + I used to cope with my issues by putting on a mask of a personality that I built using self help books and a desperate need for approval. Basically just the ‘fake it til you make it strategy’. Although I became more conventionally likable, it truly did not help in the long run as I was never able to get close to people. Now I am back to an ultimately isolated life. But I’m trying something different. + +It’s very challenging to me and not always doable but I think it is necessary. And that is to view socializing as a simple and honest expression of myself between others. When I have a thought or opinion or feeling, say it, put it out there in some way (for better or worse). Also, treat what others say as true expression of their being. This may sound silly but I think it is a subtle seeming thing that is actually big deal. + +As I said it’s challenging and not always doable, this is because +1. A deeply negative emotional and sometimes physical reaction to the idea of expressing most things in my mind for fear of embarrassment or rejection. +2. My brain going blank due to weariness and therefor not having anything to express. +3. The fact that isolation makes me depressed and lonely so the things on my mind can bring the vibe down. + +But regardless I realize that this is what I have to do, and that watching myself mindfully and purely expressing what’s on my mind is the only way forward. Usually what happens when I force something out is that I brace for impact. Brace for embarrassment, rejection, etc. Usually I assume that people are secretly embarrassed for me for whatever I said, but whether or not that is true isn’t important. + +I’ve been trying a lot of tools of expression such as music, writing, and drawing, and I think these are helping me learn how to express myself naturally. + +Anyway, I’m tired of pretending. Im not sure if I will ever be able to speak without fear and shame, but at least I won’t have to strain myself into a ‘safe’ caricature. Maybe this seems like crazy person thoughts but I hope someone relates or understands.",Personality disorder +51665,"An absence of social pleasure (social anhedonia) It is not possible to know what it is like to experience the world from inside someone else’s body, but I can infer from others that people enjoy being with other people more than I do. + +It is rare that I enjoy a person’s company. Usually I look forward to being alone again. Instead of pleasure, I do feel an absence of loneliness or fear, but these are not pleasure. I very much experience health benefits from being with other people, I can’t deny this, but in the moment I feel like something important is missing. + +To say it different, I don’t feel a desire to be with others unless I am wanting to soothe or avoid loneliness or fear. By default, being alone is peaceful and ideal. + + +Is it really anhedonia, or is it also possible that my default is actually that the social anxiety overpowers the social pleasure so that I can’t feel feel. And it takes a really strong negative emotion to overpower social anxiety in order to provoke a desire to be with others. + +Wish I understood so that I could participate more in life.",Personality disorder +51666,"I dream that someone would adopt me. I'm 23 years old. + +I hope everyday that someone else than my mom would see me, find something they like about me and decide to brush me off and give me a piece of shelter. + +I've been through too much shit to start over with my family and I just want to feel like I matter and I can make a difference.",Personality disorder +51667,"How do you deal with making mistakes? Like breaking stuff that’s not yours, or forgetting to do something important. I’m a perfectionist and every time I screw up it kills my mood and sends me into a spiral of self loathing. Suicidal thoughts appear immediately. Can’t help but see myself as an anti-Midas, and that’s one thought that usually proves itself to be true. + +I just had a bit of a fuck up. Don’t care to go into detail about it, but moments like this are why avoidance makes sense. It never would’ve happened if I didn’t take the chance.",Personality disorder +51668,"how to gently ghost an avoidant without making feel them guilty? so, throwaway because i’m afraid she might be in this sub. +before asking the real question, long story short (tldr at the end): + +so me (22m) and this girl (20f) matched on tinder a year ago, we want on a date and then she ghosted me the day after. +tried to talk to her one day after few months, got a single message reply and then she disappeared again. +at the end of last year i notice she was on hinge saying she broke up with her bf, so i started posting instagram stories that she might’ve been find interesting, and she started liking them, so after a while i reached out to her and wishing a happy new year. she seemed kinda interest, so we made plans for the following week. +she ghosted me again. i was disappointed. +after few days i noticed she had put me back in the close friends (she removed me from it after the first ghosting) so i thought “mh she might be to ashamed to write me back after all this time, i’ll reach out again” +and since then we never stopped talking anymore, but here comes the problem. +we just talked for a couple months, i tried not to push anything to don’t let her make uncomfortable and run away again, but she basically is just venting on me, and now she started venting also about “male friends” on and on, so i got suspicious, and i was right, she’s back on hinge with a fresh new verified and recently active profile. + +now here comes the problem, and i don’t mean her being on hinge, at least not directly. +-she’s in therapy and on meds, i’m pretty sure her therapist wouldn’t suggest her to be on hinge (correct me if i’m wrong). +-she said she couldn’t drink cause of meds and of med swings, but few days ago she started hanging out at night (she couldn’t do it before hanging out with me couple weeks ago) with “a male friend” and wanted to get drunk ( 🚩). +-she said she’s to anxious to hang out with people outta blue ( 🚩). +-we were talking about hanging out again, said she was super busy, got even more busy with college lessons, but she found the to hang out with somebody else, while i’m being her emotional support for the last 2-3 months +-didn’t text me back for couple days after hanging out with that guy + +so the real question is: how do i gently end up things with her? i don’t want to make feel her guilty, but i can’t keep stressing myself this much + +i thought she’d made progress with her therapist, but apparently she isn’t doing much of what they says, so i think she might be helpless and toxic, and mostly we aren’t on the same page, i truly love her and i think she knows but she’s playing with me and using me just to vent and for not feeling completely lonely + +TLDR after being ghosted multiple times with a girl with avpd, adhd and probably bpd too (i’m referring what she said to me), we seemed to bond for once, but she might be a toxic person and i don’t think i don’t want keep pursuing this anymore , i’d like to slowly walk away without hurting both of us. +she probably know i’m in love with her and she’s playing me. even if i’d come out and we’d make things work (quite impossible imho) i’m not sure she might be a good fit. + +-sorry for language mistakes and for the format, but i’m from mobile-",Personality disorder +51669,"I’ve got two degrees and both university experiences were almost identical in social sense It honestly amazes me how similarly horrific my social experience with the second degree was even though I KNEW the pitfalls and tried my best. Granted, covid did happen as I started. Still don’t know if it could have been different for me, I’m bitter to say the least. + +Both times it was something like this: + +First year, I try to fit in but get all stressed out. People reach out a little, I either avoid it or get in the situation, act awkward and get back to avoiding. + +Second year, I get a nervous break down, heavy paranoia and practically speak to nobody. People stop reaching out. + +Third year, I feel a little better in a who cares anyway -kind of way, I try to act like a normal person again but people make an effort not to even come in contact with me. I feel like I’m still in quarantine, not even alone but like actually hated by a bunch of people even though I practically don’t exist to them.",Personality disorder +51670,"Alameda by Elliott Smith and AvPD I’m not saying Elliott had AvPD, but as an AvPD-sufferer I feel like the lyrics in this songs fits to a lot of what’s going on in my life. I’m constantly guarding myself against other people’s love («your protection over their affection»), and basically alienating myself from them («Nobody broke your heart. You broke your own, cause you can’t finish what you start»).",Personality disorder +51671,,Personality disorder +51672,"I rejected her even though I wanted her I made plans with a girl and we wanted to meet. + +I decided to cancel it and I told her that I don’t feel good. Obviously she asked what is trying to get me as a some physical illness, but in reality depression is trying to get me. I mean I really don’t feel good I didn’t lie, it’s just not a physical illness. + +What I am suprised is that she instantly also said that we can meet next week. I thought she isn’t interested and she is just messing with me, that’s also reason why I decided to cancel. I don’t think that my depression will be cured until then.😕",Personality disorder +51673,I’ve been thinking about dxxth a lot recently. How do I stop?,Personality disorder +51674,"Why am i so weird and how to get better interacting with people? Context- when “normal” people interact with each other they speak and converse like they know eachother beforehand when they dont. But im always quiet and just silently looking at them? And like i know they notice it and sometimes they dont even want to interact because im so silent? + +Its like really hard to interact with when it’s about personal relationship. But when i have appointments its easier? + +(Extrovert/ normal idk What to Call it)",Personality disorder +51675,"Feel like a leech Sometimes a song stops me in my tracks and [this is one of them](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjxIuZVgjp8). + +My mother would tell me I’m exactly the same type of person as the lyrics of this song describe. She called me a sociopath, someone really sick in the head and not redeemable. That I tried to purposely ruin my family’s lives. Like I had a secret agenda that even I couldn’t know about. It’s been the foundation of all of my relationships with others, and helps explain why I get so nervous trying to get close with anyone. Trying to connect while thinking I’m secretly extremely evil and unlovable and that I’m taking advantage of everyone just by wanting to talk with them. That everything I say is actually ‘calculated’ and manipulative, despite me being unaware of this. That my side of the story isn’t just shameful and wrong, it’s *evil and vile.* + +Avoidant with BPD is contradictory hell. I’m hating closeness and trying to stay away but the other side of me is always getting too close in the relationships I can keep so they don’t leave me. I’m unbelievably stressed because I’m so close to disaster. I hate to vent to my best friend of several years because I feel like I’m being too greedy of her time. I feel like I’m “sucking off all the meat” of this relationship, taking up the space for my troubles, and then I don’t even improve. I know she’s going to leave when she discovers I’m actually a terrible person and that I don’t change. I can feel it creeping towards me and I want to die. + +I feel like she’s only my friend because she falsely believes I have potential. I feel like I’ve somehow manipulated her into thinking I’m a nice person. I feel like I’m so much worse than she thinks. I can’t understand why someone would care about me, other than they must be confused thinking of the wrong person. I can’t believe the situation I’m in. It happens every single time, and I never learn. + +I get her texts saying I need to try to get help and I just want to sink into the ground and die. I feel like I’ve done something really wrong and should stop talking to her. The answer is simple: stop avoiding therapy. Actually tell the therapist the truth. Everyone is sick of me including me.",Personality disorder +51676,Hypochondria Who here has hypochondria?,Personality disorder +51677,Creep Is Radiohead Creep the Anthem for AVPD or is our problem so much more comes?,Personality disorder +51678,"My first therapy appointment in a long time I have had bad luck with therapists in the past but decided to try again. I am mainly going to overcome a fear of driving. I have driven before back as a teenager and the process was going well but there were some things that happened that then hindered it. Before in therapy, I didn't have specific goals and I don't think that helped.",Personality disorder +51679,"I got in a bad car accident the other day and the worst part is having to talk to insurance people on the phone🤦‍♀️ +maybe this isn’t the best place to post this but literally why am I like this? I could’ve fucking died and I’m more scared of talking to people on the phone. maybe I’d find it a little funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. aren’t normal people supposed to be more traumatized about the actual crash/near death experience? meanwhile I’m over here basically having a panic attack over having to talk to people over the phone about it. this is ridiculous.",Personality disorder +51680,"I think I have AvPD (avoidant personality disorder) I have recently come across AvPD and I realized that I relate to almost all of the symptoms. First off, I’m very anxious in almost all social situations. This includes hanging around friends i’ve known for many many years, being around extended family (who i’ve also known for many years), being around coworkers, meeting new people, and even just going grocery shopping. + +I often try to avoid a lot of social situations which has definitely affected a lot of my relationships. I’m not very close with my friends or family anymore. I still hangout with them sometimes but it’s not on a very deep level. I don’t really open myself up to anyone. I’m scared of people figuring out my true personality and that they won’t like me for who I am. I hide lots of parts of my personality and not one person on this earth truly knows me. I’m close enough with my parents that I don’t get anxious around them, however I still hide many pieces of myself and don’t feel comfortable enough to show everything about myself. + +I have also struggled to find jobs that don’t make me anxious. It took me until I was 18 years old until I finally got my first job because of this. I currently work at a daycare and have worked here for about 7 months and my anxiety has seemed to get worse. I have been thinking about quitting for awhile now but am terrified of having the conversation with my boss about quitting. + +Whenever I’m at work, I feel inferior to everyone else. I feel like I have less experience, I overthink everything, and I am so awkward around my coworkers and parents. I feel like I’m incompetent and people don’t take me seriously because of my poor communication skills. My mind often goes blank when I’m asked questions and I don’t feel like I’m much of a help. I also try to focus completely on the kids and I would rather not form any real relationships with other coworkers. I try to keep conversations polite and small. I rarely talk about myself either, just enough to get by. I play it safe. + +I’ve always just felt like there was something wrong with me. Social anxiety kinda describes the way I feel but it seems like it’s more than just that.",Personality disorder +51681,"Anyone else terrified of dying alone? (finally found the will to post here after years of lurking) + +I’ve been living alone for all my adult years and I work from home. I don’t have any kind of social life and can easily spend several weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone. I do have family, but they all live far away and I don’t see them often. + +So sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I ever have a stroke or a heart attack, or if I fall down the stairs, or if I choke on some food… I often read about people being found dead in their home several years or even decades after they died, and deep down I’m convinced that’s how I’ll end up. It really makes me feel scared and helpless and I don’t know how to cope with it.",Personality disorder +51682,"What is your height? I prefer males to answer this but if you feel it bothers you as a female too, plz feel free to choose as well. I kind of want to see if it may be a risk factor for this PD or if it’s irrelevant… and it bothers me a lot. Feel free to leave your thoughts below too. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/120kyg0)",Personality disorder +51683,Who knew Omg I'm home. Finally a place I belong.,Personality disorder +51684,,Personality disorder +51685,"Faking Yourself ? Does anybody else feel the need to fake yourself in front of others? + +I pretend to be happy and not depressed, because frankly, no one likes a depressed person. Even I know that. But beyond that, it’s like I have no personality. The only reason I can survive my office environment at work right now is because of an actual, real, and positive coworker. She has the personality that I wish I had, easy to talk to and very kind. But she’s leaving tomorrow. + +So I’ve been faking my entire self. Happy, smiling, and trying to make conversation when all I really want to do is shut myself in my room. What can I even do at this point? How can I maintain a normal relationship without having to be the fakest person in the world ????",Personality disorder +51686,"I'm screwed, maybe many of you are too? One thing I'm aware of is after you've been disconnected from societal norms for a few years, it seems very difficult to return. I tend to stay away from looking at other people's lives, overall it is good but you also need an awareness of how far adrift you are and the standard you're compared against. + +The average person is socially active, whereas were disengaged. They have a constant stream of chores hobbies events plans, messaging circles. In a day some days I speak to no one and can't even find the motivation to do anything new, even something like watching a movie I can put off. My point is that after a while when you look at the ''activity level'' of a normal average person I just feel inadequate. This is made worse reinforced by the fact that whenever i do try connect with others I get rejected thats because they can sense pretty early I have nothing going on for myself in these social areas and I am not so much like them. And thats the catch-22 because people excluding you stops you ever having anything. + +I'm incapable of organising a fun life, things, like viewing someone in family gathering and getting along with large groups of people and creating a good impression, are intimidating,nearly impossible for me. I'm behind in career, life experiences, life skills, energy. It's just difficult to even get a footing, iv been cut away for so long and many types have closed the door on me",Personality disorder +51687,"Does avpd stem from childhood trauma? Hi lovely community! I’m quite new on this forum! And just wondered if the origin of this is similar to what people refer to as an avoidant attachment style in which a lot of sources claim it’s due to neglect from parents in early childhood. + +What triggers avpd or what is the kind of trauma that sparks it? From what I’ve read so far it’s not something you are born with but rather develops with age? +Please correct me if I’m wrong!",Personality disorder +51688,"Anxiety after the gym Ever since I started going to the gym , I have fallen in love with it. I look forward to it everyday as it completely distracts me from whatever it is I might be dealing with in my head. I usually go in the evening and up until then I'm fine. But I swear that drive back from the gym and when I'm sitting in my room all alone, can be extremely excruciating sometimes. The anxiety feels like a balloon going up and up into the sky, eventually it will pop and come back down. It's just an awful feeling, and I feel it almost every time now. I wonder if anyone else has felt it or knows what I'm talking about? It's such a terribly lonely feeling I get. I think what really bothers me more than anything in my life is this belief I have that I am not a good person. I mean it's not like I'm cussing people out or being a dick to anyone. It's more like I treat people like they don't matter or mean anything to me, it's an extremely shitty thing to do. Like I see a lot of the same people every day, and I think normally this would result in you forming a bond with them slowly at least. But it's not like that, everyone that's not in my immediate family just gets kept at arm's length. Even then, the relationships I do have with my family almost seem to be held up by plastic and tape.",Personality disorder +51689,,Personality disorder +51690,"Storytime... Hey, so... I've made some realizations in the shower as I do what most of us do and plan out the conversations I'll be having in two weeks because I know it's going to happen and I need to be ready or I'll just clam up and nothing is going to happen. We've all been there, most of us are still there, let's talk about what I'm thinking about in this little vent sesh. + +Alright, so I was showering, thinking about how akward it's going to be when I tell my friends some secrets. Wow! I know, sharing secrets! It freaking sucks! + +So basically, I'm part of a church group, and these people are closer to me than my family because I don't like/trust my family and being around them is stressful. These friends that I hang out with all the time are my safe place and they make me feel...happy really. + +Though I don't share everything, these people are genuine and kind, and they always make me feel safe. It's just that, I am going on a mission trip with them this summer. Going to Africa, and it took them months to convince me to come with them. I still don't like the idea of going, but knowing that I'll be with them the entire time makes me feel much better. Besides, I used to fly a lot so the plane ride will be pretty nostalgic for me. + +So, as part of going on the trip, I have to do a few things. One thing that I have to do is research a topic on one part of the trip and give a presentation to oir team (9 people including me). I trust, love, and feel safe with everyone on this team, and all but one of them have been my closest friends for almost 2 years now. I couldn't ask for better friends. + +Anyways, the presentation I'm giving is in two weeks and I'll be discussing the entertainment part of the trip. Basically, I just have to research what kind of entertainment there is where we're going and make a small (mostly funny) slideshow. It doesn't even have to last 5 minutes, but honestly...this presentation is the least of my anxieties in this mess. + +Another thing that I'm going to have to do is share my testimony. That is essentially a summarized version of your life story. I'll have to talk about my troubles, my past, my family, all of it. And these are my friends, they'll know if I'm holding back. But it scares me so much! Half of them don't actually know I have avpd! They just know that I've been going to therapy for a while and that I started taking medicine. Though, the medicine is kind of iffy really. + +Anyways, I'm super anxious about it, especially since I did something similar last year, but that was at the height of my emotional suppression. This time last year, I was so empty and emotionless. But of course, nobody knew. I was always masking my emotions and faking a smile. I didn't even know I was doing it, and when I gave my testimony for last year's mission, it was incomplete and full of holes. I talked about my lack of friends, but I was blind to the emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and siblings because I had convinced myself that I was just weak and that my pain was normal and even less than what everyone else had to go through. + +But it's not like that, that's not how I should think about my past pain. It took so long for my friends to break my barriers, but they managed to do that and convince me to go to therapy. + + I'm much better now, but I'm also not suppressing my emotions. It was really hard at first because everything just hurt so much and it overwhelmed me. One moment I was putting on a face to fool everyone into thinking I was okay, but as soon as I was behind closed doors, I was hurting myself and cursing the world for letting my life be the way it was. + +The fact that I have to go and tell my friends how I've been feeling over the last year is overwhelming, but I am not allowed to go on this mission unless I share my testimony. It's only fair though, everyone of us is sharing our testimony, no matter how much it hurts, we're going to be here for each other. + + +If you've actually read this far, I just want to say thank you. You're a special type of person, and whoever is in your life is truly lucky to know someone like you. And if they don't understand that, then know that I am thanking you for the kindness you have done for me just by reading this. Thank you.",Personality disorder +51691,"Am I doomed? I recently got diagnosed with AVPD and I feel completely hopeless. This is me, and I will stay like this my whole life. Am I going to have girlfriends? Am I going to get my dream job? Have a fun life? Travel around the world? Apparently not. Apparently I'm just a guy who will stay in his room for the rest of his life and be perpetually awkward at social gatherings. +I'm 22 and I feel like I'm 60",Personality disorder +51692,"this disorder has stopped me from pushing myself for the better me. Was scrolling on tiktok when I saw my previous school mate 2 years younger than me on my FYP. She's a famous race car driver representing our country all over the world. She now just recently joined an F1 school. I know money and her being a nepo baby (her father was also a race car driver before) helped her achieve big things, but she also wouldn't be where she is right now if she wasn't great. + +I just realized that I'm 2 years older than her and I'm about to repeat my last year of highschool (i dropped out this mid school year because of mental health reasons), and I still don't even know wtf I wanna do in life. + +My best friend is so fckin smart, she's studying right now to be a chemical engineer. My other best friend is also smart, all of his grade averages are 95+ (100 is the highest in my country). + +I'm surrounded by smart, and talented people with a future, people who will make a name for themselves and become rich in the future. People who have already carved their paths. While I'm here barely even making it through the day. I can't even go to school without wanting to off myself, while they're here working their ass off for their future. + +My best friends don't even know I already dropped out of high school. I'm too embarrassed to tell them. How can I tell them? They would be too embarrassed to have a highschool dropout as a friend. What am i even doing with my life? I always avoid things, things that make me feel uncomfy or unsafe. Now look where that got me. Stuck inside the house wasting my life away. I'm gonna be 20 in october, my teen years are finally over. I didn't even get to experience the things that teenagers are ""supposed"" to experience. I can't believe smart people like my friends are friends with someone as pathetic as me.",Personality disorder +51693,"Do you think this a good description of our experiences? This is an excerpt from the introduction of a book called *On The Outside Looking In* by Daniela Grazia, about her experiences with social anxiety. + +I’ve used it to describe my experiences to others, but I have both social anxiety and AvPD so I worry if I’m not explaining from the ‘correct’ side (?). I’m also a psychology student and find it interesting to try to distinguish the two. I suppose it only matters in my head, but it does matter. + +The quote (one long one, formatting issues): +>“It is a feeling that comes over me often, an old menace that stubbornly refuses to die. In classes, in coffee shops, in almost any activity where surrounded by potential friends. It is the profound feeling of alienness. + +>”At any moment in the group conversation, something in me snaps. I look around the table at the other people blissfully talking, and I do not feel like one of them. I am not one of them. I am different, a foreigner, an alien, a stranger in a strange land. + +>”And then the urge to run away, to hide, to be away from the people comes up. Sometimes I fight the urge and stay on, hiding my vast discomfort. Other times I do run away, cursing the cowardice and the shame, miserable in my misanthropy, but secure in my solitude. + +>”There is something in the faces, in the voices of the others that I do not have. They are into the conversation. They live outside themselves, I live inside myself. They talk, listen, and laugh; I think, listen, and smile. + +>”They are relaxed. I am not. I am never relaxed, except when I’m alone. Solitude is the only place where I can ever truly be known. + +>”Yet I am not content with this. For the real me is lonely, desperately lonely, longing for intimacy, friendship and love. I long to be able to relax, to laugh, to talk, and converse amiably with other human beings. But I cannot. I idealize them in private and fear them in public. + +>”Fear...fear drives the haunted mind. Fear tortures me, gnaws at me, and chases me from nearly everything I crave the most. But not even fear can conquer the longing, the desperate longing, the aching striving for meaning in life, for something other than the endless nights alone and unhugged, the dreams unshared, the life unnoticed. + +>”When I am alone, I wish I was other people. When I am with other people, I wish I was alone. This contradiction is slowly, but ruthlessly destroying my soul.”",Personality disorder +51694,"How many people message you in an average day? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11yshfa)",Personality disorder +51695,"Does anyone read book called No More Mr Nice Guy? I've seen it recommended here often, and decide to check it. I'm only in the beginning but this book seems really misogynistic and like American conservative or something. I'm kinda want to dnf it but maybe there are something useful in it? What is your opinion if anyone read it?",Personality disorder +51696,"How can I function with unwanted thoughts that don't go away? I am 22 years old and male. I was diagnosed when I was 18. I've also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I live with my parents and I am NEET. I did not go to college. I've spent the majority of my childhood and adolescence getting some kind of therapy and/or psychiatric help, but I stopped about a year ago because I realized it was not going to help me. I have very low energy and fleeting motivation, and day to day I can't consistently do the basic tasks of caring for myself and maintaining my living space, in other words, living like an actual adult. The main reason these things are so hard for me is that when I'm doing chores and things where my mind can wander, I keep thinking about things I don't want to think about. I remember in detail the moments when people have insulted me or been cruel to me, or times when I've embarassed myself or made a mistake, for years, and I relive them constantly, and the wounds are continuously reopened and never heal. I often freeze up when these thoughts strike me and sometimes it makes me curse or say things out loud when I know I'm alone. Sometimes these thoughts can be powerful enough to ruin a good mood and ruin my day. It can make completing simple tasks so painful that I avoid them entirely and my quality of life suffers greatly and it affects the people that I live with. I spend almost all of my time constantly trying to distract myself and escape from these thoughts. Can anyone relate? How can I function like this?",Personality disorder +51697,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 1) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z14d3)",Personality disorder +51698,"Resentment Ever hate people because you can't ever be like them? I have this person in my class and she's so perfect, so put together, she makes me jealous. If I'm ever good at something she'll be better.... its like I can never be better than her in anything. I know I sound immature, dumb too but i needed to let this out.",Personality disorder +51699,"Those extrovert specimens who take pride in publicly pointing out that I've been silent throughout the party deserve a special place in hell Congratulations on making this invaluable observation. You have successfully made it even more awkward for me now. + +And these creatures exist in every f***ing party.",Personality disorder +51700,"How common is this for people with AvPD? Sorry, I'll try to keep it relatively short. + +I'm a 31-year-old male and I've never been diagnosed with AvPD, but while reading about the symptoms a month ago, things finally made sense to me why I act a certain way. I thought I just had some kind of social anxiety when I went to therapy several years ago, but I've felt that there has to be something else since I started feeling different in middle school. I've avoided people, responsibilites and have taken jobs where I can mostly avoid interpersonal communication. + +I do still have close friends, a great family and a girlfriend, but I still have this urge to self-isolate and be alone. However, I do try to help people whenever asked and I try to do well at my workplace. Right now, I have an opportunity to work longer at my current job and might even get a promotion 1-3 years along the line in a position that I could basically hold for the rest of my working life. But it would surely involve a lot more responsibilites, speaking another language I don't know too well (I live in a bilingual country, where I speak the minority language) a lot more and of course, a ton more interpersonal communication. I've searched and applied for other jobs recently because my current contract will expire in a few months. I'm much more inclined to take a temp job for 1 and a half year with something I like more and less interpersonal communication than a potential permanent job position. + +It probably sounds crazy for most people if they heard this, but this is genuinely how I feel. I let my feelings of inadequacy and wanting to avoid people control me instead of doing something that could secure my future. Is this at all relatable?",Personality disorder +51701,"Any advice is greatly appreciated I have AvPD and I am too afraid to ask for help. Even if I found the courage to find a therapist, I am a minor so I would also have to tell my parents (that just feels impossible). Do you guys have ideas of small steps I could take so I can work my way up to having the courage to get help? (I struggle with things like ordering food at restaurants so is there anything easier than that?)",Personality disorder +51702,"Finally deactivated Facebook. Where I am from, everybody is on Facebook. That anxiety inducing place, where I never feel safe and I feel hated, invisible and dumb. Lately I've been spiralling and posted sad, angsty posts to people who don't care about me. Thankfully, I got only 60 ""friends"". Facebook made me feel more alone. I'm disabled and I don't go outside and I struggle with texting. I just don't get it. I don't have the energy. I kept deleting my posts, feeling more ashamed. I need it for something that's work related and still ongoing. But enough. I don't care if everyone is there, I rather not feel like a burden and vent on Reddit. Having a profile with my name and face while I am utterly depressed? No thanks. It's not like I made any friends there. I really hope that my issues will be resolved and I won't go back and make a fool outta myself because no one cares.",Personality disorder +51703,"I desperately wish/ want to live alone but physically/financially cant I have always dreamed, goal of mine to get away from my family and all people if I worked hard I could live by myself and never ever have any obligation to speak to another human being so long as I had my ducks in a row both financially and in general (think ordering groceries and just leave it at the door, tip well, go away). I'm getting older and I hate how much I keep needing to interact with people, I don't have anyone in my life other than my parents but even they are on my last tiny nerves... except we've been needing eachothers help a lot. + +They're old and need help, I'm getting older and sometimes need help when im getting sick or life happens. This flop era is turning into a flop lifetime. I'm drained seeing people. + +I just want to wake up 1 day in my own place and hear complete and total silence, never cross paths with another human being, never make eye contact or play the dumb game of ""social interaction"" and just have enough... stuff to get my needs met. Not even an escape I just want to exist solely.",Personality disorder +51704,"Do you also feel this way? I just really came across with this term avoidant personality disorder on Google by searching ""why do I want to be alone and live on my own away from others"" and I clicked on the very first article that came up. I couldn't give much clearer description of myself after reading the article and so I looked it up on reddit and surprisingly a subreddit exists dedicated to this. I desire to be alone and living on my own away from my family and people because I feel inhibited by them. I feel like I'm restricted and couldn't act my true self when I'm with them maybe because I'm afraid of being disliked by them? I'm not really sure and I'm still learning and knowing about myself. + +Am I the only one who feels this way?",Personality disorder +51705,"Once people get to know me they tend to love me... They only problem is they never get to know me, because the only possible way they will is if I am forced to be in a situation with repeated exposure to them, in which case I become familiar and slowly open up over the span of a week or two. It's downright disturbing how many times this has happened in my life, and it's depressing to think that those opportunities are few and far between now that I'm out of the primary environment they occur (school). I was so desperate at one point that, despite having everything people normally strive for (great career, money, success, etc.), I thought about joining the army just to meet people... Holy shit what is wrong with me.",Personality disorder +51706,,Personality disorder +51707,"New to the community/diagnosis Hey all, +I was just diagnosed with AvPD yesterday (along with some other things), and to be honest, I still feel a little shell shocked. I'm still learning more about the diagnoses obviously, but I wanted to ask what tips or lessons the community has for a newbie like me. What do you wish you knew when you were first diagnosed? I've been working on overhauling my brain for a few years, and I want to avoid falling into a trap where I just give up before I can fail (as it is my tendency to do).",Personality disorder +51708,"Dating apps even harder with AvPD Disclaimer: I dislike dating app culture in general. There's a hell of a lot more to a person than a few pictures and prompts. + +\--- + +If I'm not attracted to someone then I won't swipe on them. If I am attracted to someone and there's even one thing on their profile that I lack or don't relate to then I won't swipe on them either. If there's someone I'm attracted to and there's nothing problematic in their profile, I won't swipe on them because I doubt they'll be interested in me. + +In the end this leaves a very very small pool of people which I guess makes the whole thing pointless?",Personality disorder +51709,"My friend expressed that she is disappointed in me. Long story short, I felt tired and anxious and wanted to go home and skip one class. I didn't show up for this class in forever and didn't turn in much work, so she was worried I'd procrastinate like I did in 1 semester and fail. + +When I said I'll probably skip again, she looked at me with so much disappointment, and said ""I really should stop caring about people that much"". + +It didn't register then, but it hits me now how hurt I am from her words. It feels like I'm not doing good enough, and I probably am not. So that day I forced myself to sit through the class and even showed some progress to my professor. But I can't get the look on her face out of my mind. + +To be fair to her, I said I needed to leave in a kinda joking manner because that's my coping mechanism. So maybe she didn't think I felt as horrible as I did and thought i wanted to skip to avoid work.",Personality disorder +51710,"Feeling down lately It was my birthday the other day and it was a bit depressing. I spent it in the house eating a frozen pizza (it was good though lol) I didnt really do anything besides that and eating some cheesecake (also good). I was hurt that nobody wanted to celebrate with me besides my mom + +I dont have many friends besides a few online friends, and lately i feel like they're distancing themselves from me and I deal with rejection sensitivity and along with the avpd I feel like its all eating away at me. When I see my friends talk to eachother or plan things without me, it honestly hurts me and makes me want to cry. My friend says everybody cares and loves me, but in my avpd brain its not true and that they all would be happy if i was out of their lives + +To make this worse, my therapist is moving soon and im scared i wont be able to find another therapist, especially someone as nice and understanding as them. She has helped me with a lot, and im scared i wont be able to find someone as nice and supportive as her. The last time i had a therapist who knew of my avpd, they screamed at me and said i couldnt be helped... + +This is all just making me feel hopelessly depressed and feeling rejected 🫠",Personality disorder +51711,,Personality disorder +51712,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +51713,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 3) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z17zj)",Personality disorder +51714,"Okay y'all, for science, what's your MBTI (PART 2) Take the test [here](https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new). DON'T - I REPEAT - DON'T TAKE THE TEST ON 16personalities. Highly inaccurate. All tests are, but whatever. Do it. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11z16lg)",Personality disorder +51715,"Is freezing during a conversation an AvPD symptom? Hi all! I'm new to this subreddit, I was recently diagnosed with AvPD. I'm trying to understand it and come to terms with it. + +The thing is, I don't have social anxiety in terms of not wanting to spend time with people at all... when it's about folks I know, like my colleagues and friends, I'm even more-than-average social. + +However, I do notice that I'm... slow in social interactions. I mean that someone will say something and my brain shuts down and I can't answer properly in the moment. Or I can't hear someone properly but I'm too afraid to ask them to repeat themselves (?!) so I just kinda freeze and/or act as if I heard what they said and the conversation goes on. Then later I think of a ""correct"" reaction and can't for my life understand why I shut down during the convo and couldn't just think of this reaction then. + +This happens with friends too, although it's more common with folks I'm not that comfortable with. Is this an AvPD thing or just a ""me thing""? + +TL;DR Is shutting down during conversations and only thinking of a proper reaction later an AvPD thing?",Personality disorder +51716,"“You’re still single man? What’s a young, good looking guy like you doing wrong?” My brain is broken. I’m incapable of creating and maintaining close relationships, either out of some awkward self-consciousness or fear. That’s pretty much all there is to it. + +The fact that I seem pretty normal/smart/athletic on the outside only makes things worse. People have expectations for me socially and I obviously don’t meet them. So what’s their conclusion? He’s weird, something must be off about that guy. How can he have all this stuff but be so strange. + +They’ll never understand I just want to experience life like they do, lol. I’m forever the empath that can’t make a life with other people.",Personality disorder +51717,"My future feels so hopeless. I'm 28 years old, my resume is useless, haven't worked in 2 years, and I am very avoidant of the world Hi there. I have been depressed since I was 12 years old. I am now 28. I also struggle with BPD, social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder, afraid to leave the house by myself, reliant on my 66 year old mother to pay my medical insurance, and my husband is working full time barely keeping us afloat. I have tried and tried to work. Several different fields. Even part time. It always ended up in burn out and felt more depressed and anxious so I had to quit. I am worried, I feel my future is really hopeless. I love my husband so much. We wanted to have a family and it's feeling like that won't happen because of my mental health and the low money thing. I am afraid he will abandon me because of all this though deep down really don't feel like he will because he has been here through everything. + +I know that is so much. That is definitely something to be grateful for. But we fight a good bit because we're both so stressed out. + +Nothing really brings me happiness except substances, (and that leads to bad feelings when it wears off or sometimes when on them) and I've been mostly sober for a year. + +I see a therapist. I take medications. I just... I am not content in life. I am constantly worried about everything. I constantly feel like I'm worthless and my husband deserves someone more stable that he doesn't essentially have to be a caregiver to at times. I stay in bed about 70% of my days because I feel like things are so hard to do and feel so pointless. + +I don't have many friends and live in a small town, so there aren't any meetup groups or anything. And since I don't work and am not in school, no opportunities to make many friends. I do have one so I can try to branch out with her friends maybe. It feels like life is just about working. And I feel so depressed by the state of everything, and by my worries that things won't improve in the future. + +Things don't get better. Not if you don't work for them. And I have worked, I've tried so many treatments, but the one thing I rarely do is go out in the world. + +And I don't know if I can do that without a lot of help that I don't know if I can find. + +Please if you can relate at all, or have any advice, please please respond. <3 I'm desperate.",Personality disorder +51718,"What are your waking habits like? I try to be an early bird and probably feel a bit more human when I am but it's definitely more natural for me to be awake in the early hours of the morning and wake up later in the day. + +Thought it was worth asking to see whether most are night owls in an attempt to avoid life? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11y8hsd)",Personality disorder +51719,"I suspect myself of having AvPD I am turning 17 in a month and a half and I suspect myself of having AvPD, I am trying to do more research on the disorder, I am not going to self diagnose, but I am hoping people who are diagnosed can tell me more about the traits and what its like having AvPD.",Personality disorder +51720,"Inner monologue is brutal One problem I have with criticism, and people offering it, is that I've heard it already. A lot. From myself. I think the worst things about myself to myself constantly. + +The other night, I told myself that I'm nothing more than potential. The reason I'm lonely is because no one wants to wait around for me to finally decide to be a reality. Im walking-empty promises. That encompasses a lot. So when someone wants to ""tell me about myself"", it feels like a rerun. And they hate that. Hate that they can't get their issue off, or add their redundant nugget of truth. + +Idk if that's part of avpd. And its coming off as arrogant. It's not the critiscm itself. I don't mind. More fuel for the fire. It's the attitude that erupts in response to me being unphased. I always feel like I'm preparing myself for the worst possible things so I'm not as affected when they happen. Being one step ahead of anyone trying to hurt me. + +Sorry if this has been discussed. I'm in and out a lot.",Personality disorder +51721,"how to get over fear of therapy/getting help i'm 18 and have never gone to therapy or received any help and i really want to try it out but i'm so terrified of it and keep thinking things such as, 'what if i misinterpret a question and answer ""wrong""' or that i will waste their time by not being completely truthful. i very very rarely open up to anyone and when i do i have the sudden urge to cut off all contact with them which would obviously not be very useful with a therapist. i did once apply for therapy for social anxiety but cancelled the process just as i got to the last step because i convinced myself i was faking it. i want help and i don't want things to get worse but i don't know how to go about it. + +any advice on how to overcome this fear or services available that i should start with? +(i'm from the uk btw)",Personality disorder +51722,"Why do I keep letting friends go It's not like it's hard for me to make friends, but keeping them seems almost impossible. I inevitably just stop messaging because it feels too difficult. I hate that I'm like this because I desperately do need connection, but I can never hold onto something once it's there.",Personality disorder +51723,"reading through this sub feeling like i fit in for the first time in my life i’ve spent so much of my life feeling like a complete freak who doesn’t fit in anywhere, it’s made me avoid social situations and relationships because i’m so terrified of someone realising i’m not normal and hating me for it - then in turn missing out on those experiances & relationships just makes me feel even more like an outcast who shouldn’t exist + +i’ve tried on so many hats for why i feel like this (social anxiety, autism, cptsd, etc etc) but they never fit right and i just feel so much more shame. then i stumbled on an infographic about personality disorders, looked up this sub and everything written here felt so familiar. so much of my anxiety came from feeling like i was alone in my experiences so it’s so comforting knowing all of you are here and exist somewhere in the world. + +i just wanted to say thank you all 💛",Personality disorder +51724,Why is AVPD considered a personality disorder and not a mental illness? So from what i have read seems like AVPD is the only pure ego-dystonic personality disorder and usually personality disorders are seen as a flaw in someone's personality and are ego-syntonic in nature but in the case of AVPD seems like no one likes to have this condition. So why isn't AVPD considered a mental illness because the symptoms of someone with AVPD seems to match up with different things like social anxiety and extreme low self esteem? Like the symptoms are basically the same in a lot of ways.,Personality disorder +51725,"I hate myself so much I met this guy on vacation, and we hung out for two days at the pool. I'm a very socially anxious person, but with him, I felt like I'd known him for years. One night, he told other teenagers that he liked me. They told me, and they were hyping me up saying stuff like ""oh look your boyfriend's here"". I was so excited. I never had a guy like me before. I was bullied at school for being the quiet kid in class, and I would run to my parents, hoping they'd comfort me. But they'd get mad at me for being so quiet and they'd blame me too. I used to go up to my room at night and sing myself to sleep ""someday, my prince will come"". Now he was finally here. So I went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He told me he had a girlfriend, and got mad at our friends for telling me. + +He cut off contact with with me. I was so sad that the one person who saw me for the good I have to offer, still gave it up. They broke up two months later, and he looks at my social media. We're not in contact, but according to my friend, a playlist on his Spotify was made as a birthday present to me. But I don't forgive him. I’m not angry at him for being loyal. I’m angry at him for thrusting me into this situation. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him, but I was the one that suffered the greatest. He got to choose between two girls. His girlfriend is a victim too, but at least he tried to make things okay with her. And me? I had no intention of getting in the way of a relationship. I just thought I finally fell in love.",Personality disorder +51726,"Appearance and AvPD It seems superficial almost but my severe acne is contributing a lot to my avoidant tendencies right now. I'm doing everything in my power to treat it: dermatologist, prescription acne cream, antibiotics, clean bedding, clean diet, daily showers, face wash etc. It just seems to get worse every day and it is some of the worst I've seen. I'm talking big red cysts. At this point I'm convinced my lithium is causing it. + +I was making decent progress too. I was going to groups and started volunteering to get out of my house and around people again. I'm trying to work up to going back to work. But I just can't bring myself to keep volunteering looking like this. If I go out of my comfort zone while constantly concerned about how I look and feeling gross I feel as though I'm doomed to fail. If my mental state begins to slip it triggers my hyperhidrosis and then I pretty much have to bail. + +I'm kind of just stuck in a period of regression after making some strides. I don't know what to do it just feels hopeless. Between severe cystic acne and hyperhidrosis it is so fucking difficult to put myself into social situations. It's much safer to just hide away and wait it out but each day that passes is another day I've lost.",Personality disorder +51727,"Respond to my text immediately or I'll think I said something wrong I never let the ppl I talk to know this. That would just be manipulative and rude, but even if we been texting for years, good friends, and have been in a nonstop convo the past 5 hours, my heart still races when they take longer than usual to respond. I think oh fuck, I said something wrong. I always say something wrong. I can't ever say anything right. I'm such a- + +Then they'll reply. I chide myself for being so silly. Then do the same thing 40 more times within the same conversation. You'd think being proven wrong so many times would fix it, but no. I always think, ""Ah, *this* is the time I fucked up. All the others were false alarms, but I've really done it now."" Rinse repeat.",Personality disorder +51728,I can't pretend anymore. I can't market myself anymore. I can't pretend that I have more going for me than I do. I just can't.,Personality disorder +51729,"The worst part is the lack of hope I’m always gonna be like this. Even with years of therapy and meds, even while on copious amounts of confidence enhancing and anxiety reducing drugs, I’m still too socially anxious and awkward. Sure I can force myself to socialise but I can’t force myself to enjoy it, or force myself to relax and just be myself. The fact that this shit isn’t getting any better no matter what I try is so demoralising, it makes everything else pointless, having severe avpd/social anxiety really does infect every little area of your life. I can’t hold a job, I can’t make friends, I haven’t talked to a girl in years, never mind having a relationship. My anxiety is so bad I get second hand anxiety watching people interact on a tv screen, or hearing others use voice chat in video games. + +And as I said, sure I could force myself to ‘get out there’ and maybe make friends or a gf, but I can’t force myself to enjoy being around them. I’d be constantly stressed out, tense, unable to relax. I’d have nothing in common with them, I only ever feel comfortable alone. Living with a brain like this is like torture, craving connections and feeling horribly lonely but being unable to actually make any connections or function in a social situation. I’m technically an adult but I have no independence, I still feel like a child, and I know for a fact that if I keep on going my future is nothing but boring, bleak and lonely. What’s the point of going to an awful, stressful job everyday if my days off are just as bad. My ‘hobbies’ are just escapism, I don’t even enjoy anything anymore, I’m just so tired, I really don’t see the point in going on when my brain is this fucked up and my future is inevitably empty and alone. I’m barely in my 20s but I’m certain I won’t make it to 30, it’s so crazy how fucked up i am, avpd is so awful, it robs you of a basic human need but still leaves you with the desire for it. A longing hunger that can never be sated, the empty void inside my only gets bigger, things are only getting worse. No heartbreak or feeling of loss, nothing to even look back on, there’s just nothing. There has always been nothing, my life is empty and always will be",Personality disorder +51730,"This is a bit of a weird question, but does anyone else relate a lot to these anime titles? (Mushishi, Kino's Journey etc) I've always wondered if this is something AvPD adjacent. + +* Mushishi + +* Kino's Journey + +* Spice and wolf + +* Girl's last tour + +* Serial Experiments Lain + +They are not really related in any genre way but all feature some sort of disconnect with the MCs and the rest of the world. It's like you're just traveling through it and never really putting down roots but instead just observing for a while and then moving on, they all sort of have this somber undertone that you're not really a part of the world and just experiencing small parts of it. + +Most of them feature a pair traveling together which makes it feel less lonely but Mushishi only has the MC and that's the one that feels closest to AvPD in a weird way in my mind. + +Does this make sense?",Personality disorder +51731,"All I am is a useless burden I volunteer at a place that I like to help out at despite my debilitating anxiety because I like helping people (plus It’ll help me gain credit for my future job) but for a few days I didn’t show up due to sickness. Now i’m supposed to text them when I don’t show up, my manager? boss? made that very clear. She even gave me her personal email to text because she understood that I absolutely couldn’t take phone calls due to anxiety. Now I may or may not have just skipped that part as I’d hate to bother them with a text plus it’s embarrassing. So basically my school counselor (who is in contact with my manager) comes up to me and tells me that my manager was very upset and direct that I can’t keep not notifying them when I can’t go and I have one last chance or she’d rather have me not help out at all. This of course (I soooo badly wanna say traumatized, because it feels that way but i’ve experienced trauma before to know that this experience wasn’t actually traumatic) really hurt me. All I wanted to do was help. I just wanted to be useful to someone for once and all I did was end up being a burden. I hate myself for this i’m scared to even go in again. If I can’t even hold a volenteer position, i’m sure as hell aren’t ever going to be able to get a real job when I get older. I fucking hate this disease, it’s taking my life away.",Personality disorder +51732,"Just venting Wanna preface this by saying that I'm not diagnosed nor do I self-diagnose. It's just that I can relate to some of the symptoms and people here, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings. + +I feel insane sometimes. I feel really neurotic, paranoid, insecure, and immature sometimes. When I don't think about memories or people that upset me, I'm fine. These past few months I've been slowly recovering from this horrible depression that's plagued me for a while, but in these past few days it's been returning as I start thinking about these bad memories again. + +I feel traumatized and like I'm a victim of something I can't understand. Like I'm alone in this pain. The thing is that my ""trauma"" is really just a dozen or so bad interactions I had in my old circle of friends. In particular, there was this one person who I had a handful of unpleasant interactions with. These were mostly brief exchanges that shouldn't have affected me as much as they did, but they felt really, sincerely resentful and unwarranted. What did I do? I didn't know how to stand up for myself, and nobody did for me. + +This person lashed out at me, calling me insecure and afraid a couple of times, and said some horrible things about people with my disability. They're ableist and, honestly, that group as a whole was too. Not out of malicious intent but ignorance. + +This person wasn't wrong, but the way they treated me didn't help. Seeing those criticisms mirrored by others a couple of times made me feel even more weak, because I knew I was being talked about behind my back. And when I did eventually see how this person talked about me behind my back, it felt nasty and unwarranted. + +Still though, it feels so fucking stupid man. I don't know why I let this hurt me. It's been months since I stopped talking to those friends, a few years since those bad exchanges occured, and it still affects me. I never met a person who exhibited such resentment for me in my life, seemingly for no justifiable reason. It really hurt my self-esteem and it still does. + +When I think about those friends for too long I start to say things like ""I wanna die"" to myself, like a tic. It's so stupid and I feel like a horrible person for this. For feeling such disproportionate hurt over a dozen or so bad memories. When I don't think about this stuff I begin to feel more ""normal"" again though. + +Sorry that this is so long but I'm just wondering if anyone can relate. If not, sorry for wasting your time. I hope this isn't considered off-topic since I'm undiagnosed. But yeah, I feel really pathetic about this side of myself. Maybe I'm just highly neurotic, I don't know. I just wish I could understand what's wrong with me.",Personality disorder +51733,Boudoir sexytime dynamics Do you prefer your sexual partner to be a dom(me)? Please elaborate.,Personality disorder +51734,"Talked to a friend for the first time in over a month ... Like an actual phone call conversation. It felt really good! + +Sending good vibes to everyone here in this subreddit 🤗",Personality disorder +51735,Everything has an End I often fantasize comitting suicide.. its bad but I feel this is only way out. All my life since I was a little I've been incredibly distressed and downtrodden and broken inside. Been longing for a break from all the misery but it has never occurred. The only thing that's keeping me a little hopeful is telling myself that everything has an End. What I experience has an end whether My life will improve or simply just Die. Either way I welcome it.,Personality disorder +51736,"Does anyone find it so hard to get over a comment/criticism to the point they feel suicidal? Trigger warning. Mention of Eating disorders and suicide. + +A month ago my brother was talking about how he just turned 30. He was saying how he didn’t look 30 and he pointed to me and said “he looks older than me”. I’m 24. It felt like a stab in my heart. Ever since I’ve barely left the house. I wasn’t trying to date before that but now I’m not even going to try. I feel suicidal now and I don’t feel like life’s worth living. I’m old looking for my age so I should just give up. That comment is running through my mind 24/7. It’s torture. I feel so embarrassed. +If my brother knew what that comment did to me, it would suck. I’m so angry but hurts. It’s not really his fault how I feel but why did he say that. I’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life. I get anxious seeing my brother because I’m scared of what he will say. Everything reminds me of that comment. I have barely been eating. It just reminded me why I shouldn’t leave the house because other people will think the same. + +It feels like such a stupid reason to be suicidal over but it’s taking every bit of my energy not to do it everyday. How am I meant to go through life if a silly comment like that has gotten me like this. How do I get over it? I’m not strong enough to go through life.",Personality disorder +51737,"I don't know if I truly deserve to get better. I don't feel like putting in the work anymore. + +I know some of you will say ""no one will save you, you have to save yourself"". + +But that's just not true. I have saved three people I called friends before from terrible, terrible things. + +But I don't know if anyone will want to save me. + +I don't have any energy within myself to give out anymore. + +I don't have any resources, material or otherwise, to give anymore. + +In short... I don't think I'm profitable enough to be helped anymore. + +I'd lose you more money than I'd make you.",Personality disorder +51738,Link to AvPd Podcasts https://open.spotify.com/show/5WI3mYjRpKXQJHjt0W12e9,Personality disorder +51739,Anyone here in nyc I'm a black male an have ocd I don't leave the house at all an can't function I made terrible mistakes doing things that are low class.,Personality disorder +51740,"More Clarity, Insight, & Awareness An article I wanted to share with you all to read. Thought it might bring more awareness for yall, especially for the ones who are unofficially diagnosed and highly suspect they may have it. Although I have enough clarity to know I have it (undiagnosed), this is hands down the best breakdown and description of each possible symptoms that come with it. Never heard it like this before. It's not like your typical DSM-5 avpd symptoms that are more generalized and broad. This is more in depth and even more eye opening since I resonate so much with all of them. I'm so bored, just wanted to share something. Here's the link to it 👇🏽 + +https://avoidants.org/symptoms-of-avoidant-personality-2/",Personality disorder +51741,"Seeing some progress but feeling stuck. Hi, + +24-year-old male with AVPD here. For some time I have noticed that contacts with other people (in my case only at work) began to bring me pleasure. I've also become more relaxed and when I'm around people I don't worry as much about how they react to what I say. At the same time, a desire for more close relationhips arosed in me. This desire applies both to finding a partner and friends. I just want, as real as never before in my life, a simple conversation with another person and intimacy. + +However, I don't know how to achieve this. I've finished my education and I don't have any social hobbies (the gym can be considered as such, but I still can't find a way to start naturally a conversation with other people there). I'm starting to get annoyed with this situation, because certainly something has changed in my attiude and I truly want to form some relationships outside of my work environment. I think I'm ready to get out of my comfort zone step by step, but I don't know how to do it. + +One way to do it is to start dating. Finding a partner is something that I want very strongly and I think love is something I'm capable of. The thing that's holding me back from making that move though (other than, well... the lack of photos to use on dating apps) is knowing that I'll be too much of a burden for her not having other relationships. Perhaps there is also an element of shame in not having any friends. I am not sure… + +Have any of you reached such a point on your journey to ""normality""? I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing everything and if I shouldn't just do what I feel regardless of my doubts. In my case, finding friends seems to be something more distant at the moment and I don't know how I could achieve it. However, I will be grateful for every piece od advice!",Personality disorder +51742,"Anyone else lie as a child? Not sure if it’s an AVPD thing, but growing up I told a string of lies to all of my (very few) friends. It weighs on me almost daily. Some were *really* horrible, like going blind by 30 or refusing to help my cousin during an overdose as a child. Of course that’s not real. I can’t believe I said those things to people, but it felt like the only way at the time. + +Through a lot of reflection, I realized that I expected rejection and wanted to control it. I wanted to make them see me as a bad person, because I didn’t deserve them. But nothing in my life (that I understood at the time) was damaging enough to cause these problems. My family taught to me early on that if you’re not doing hard drugs or jumping off the bridge, it’s not a valid mental health condition. I didn’t think I had any reason to have the problems I did, so I had to give people ‘fake reasons’ to make them believe it, because my parents told me that’s the only way. + +Also somewhat of a test, like if they stay for this horrible person I’m pretending to be, they’ll surely stick around for who I actually am if that’s better. And it’s not hard to be better than that, given the severity of the lies I told. If they leave, then I’ll have been in control of the rejection. And they’re not reacting to the ‘true me’ anyway so the judgement doesn’t hurt as badly. Avoiding the spotlight by pretending to be another person.",Personality disorder +51743,"My mom has Avoidant and dependent personality disorder and I don't know what to do. My mom is a very caring and emotional person and she's never been mean or rude in any way. However, she never believes me when I say that to her. She's struggling with loving herself and believes that no one loves her and can help her. And because of that she has resorted to drinking. +Because of her disorders, she constantly bullies herself every day on everything she does and thinks she's the worst person alive. She's very sensitive too, so one little thing can ruin her day and cause her to drink. + +My parents are separated but they’re both on good terms and still talk. +On top of that, I’m struggling with myself too and I think I’m stressing her out. I'm only 14 so what can I do to help her? She tried many antidepressants and other treatments but said that none works. Compliments doesn’t work either since she never believes me. +I always worry she's going to do something bad to herself one day.",Personality disorder +51744,"AvPD diagnosed recently Hey all, I was diagnosed with AvPD quite recently (and finally I guess) after all those years spent in confusion what is wrong with me. I finally got an appointment at psychologist, we were doing for the first few hours screening process, turned out I do have AvPD and I met all necessary criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. Also he mentioned that I do have some symptoms of schizophrenia and narcissistic personality. But after I read his diagnosis this evening, he wrote that I have ‘Other personality disorder’. Which idk how I feel about that. Like I do not belong to anything even in this. And when I started to talk to him about feeling really depressed, and about my suicidal thoughts earlier today, he just said that we will talk about it next time, in a two weeks. And I am so confused about this, like no one really care, especially with the suicidal thoughts. And feeling I do have no one to talk. Or maybe I don’t want to? I don’t know. But this is making me super super lonely and more depressed. No one really cares..",Personality disorder +51745,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkyz3)",Personality disorder +51746,,Personality disorder +51747,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned (in a western country) and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wl0eu)",Personality disorder +51748,"Anyone here feel like they have to be explicitly told what the social dynamics are? I feel like I've had to manually learn this from YouTube, Psychology books, Sociology books, etc. rather than just innately know it.",Personality disorder +51749,,Personality disorder +51750,"Completely shut down when I know something uncomfortable is coming up I have a few university exams coming up that I'm not comfortable with taking and have no confidence of doing well in. I don't want to do them and the thought of preparing for them is absolutely exhausting, partly because I feel like I have a lot to learn and even starting is hard. I just can't face it. + +So with that in mind, I'm just avoiding my life and throwing myself into relentless scrolling on the likes of reddit and watching YouTube videos and basically becoming a robot. I'll probably cram in a load of information and ruin my sleep in the build up to the exam after wasting all this time. + +I don't know if it's a defence mechanism preparing for failure or what but it's fucking debilitating and I'm tired of it.",Personality disorder +51751,"Being a toxic person to others and wishing they didn’t have to deal w/ you because of it I completely shut off due to my anxiety and depression. It’s hard to not avoid avoid avoid and feel like a burden especially when you have people you love and know care about you. My heart and mind conflict so much because I’m so sensitive and I’ve just built a wall after years of negative feelings and rejections but my heart wants the exact opposite. And I get so lonely dealing with depression alone wondering why do I have to deal with this all the time, but it hurts the most to be going through it and hurt the people you really love, like I don’t want to be a burden anymore but it’s easy to feed the demons that are telling you to avoid avoid avoid and the fear. I know other people are going through things too and I’m not good enough to even be there for them.",Personality disorder +51752,Focusing on a positive Someone called me cute this morning and now I'm having ice cream for breakfast. I hope this vibe sticks for the rest of the day. Just wanted to share this in hopes that it makes someone smile.,Personality disorder +51753,"Anyone else from a minority community, nationality, ethnic group, religion, or race and feel like an outcast everywhere? Apart from moving many times during childhood and teenage years I have one parent who was Jewish and one who was Hispanic/Puerto Rican. They divorced when I was young (Stevie Wonder could see that one coming) and as a result I never felt like I belonged with any community. I never learned Spanish, never really learned all that much about being Jewish or Puerto Rican (my mother was Americanized) except the basic stuff. I was also too isolated to feel like a belonged to the average American culture in general and never really picked up on all the pop-culture that went along with it. I've always felt like an outcast and outsider partly because of this. Although at the same time I feel like I'm a failure/coward because I see many people who are part of a minority group who are able to handle themselves just fine and I'm white on top of that so I didn't really have it that hard. You can tell I may be Jewish because of some of my facial features (lol) and I was sometimes teased and bullied in school/work because of it but it's never been as bad as someone who is for example dark skinned and has a foreign accent. Even then I feel people like that had their own community to fall back to though and I feel lost almost. Idk, forgive my rambling... Just want to put this out there and wondering if others are the same way. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wkz3v)",Personality disorder +51754,"Do you think he might be abusive? As someone with AVPD, I don't date much, and I just want someone who will be loyal to me. It's very clear that he's attracted to me. I'm attracted to him too, but everyone says that I'm way too pretty for him. About two weeks into us knowing each other, he shared a really intimate story of a traumatic experience that happened to him. He’s a empathetic person that cares for other people, but he gets angry over minor things. I'm 95% sure he's gone to therapy, because even though he will explode at the most random times, there'll be other times when he's really good at conflict resolution. + +Before we dated, I invited him to my birthday party. Supposedly, a few weeks before, he was flirting with me, but I didn’t pick up on it. So when I invited him, it confused him. He thought I was giving him mixed signals. On his Twitter (that I don’t follow), he was saying stuff like “playing with people’s feelings is bad” and “disloyal people annoy me”. The next several weeks, he gave me the cold shoulder and really did not want to talk to me. + +He’ll also roll his eyes or grunt over relatively things that really aren’t a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if the thing that I did even warranted a sigh or eye roll. I’m just wondering, if I got into a relationship with him, would it get worse? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wb7hk)",Personality disorder +51755,"i'm starting to realize that i'll probably never be able to truely connect with anyone i guess i have multiple friends, but i've only ever thought of 2 of them as ""close friends."" the rest i don't really talk to a lot. but i try so hard to connect with them and get closer to them, but it just feels weird and forced and i can clearly tell that it's unreciprocated. it just makes me want to give up. + +and now i'm starting to realize that with even one of my closest friends, we may not even actually be as close as i thought we were. we rarely if ever talk and when we do it's usually just short convos or in a group chat, and i'm always the one that has to initiate conversations. i think i'm lucky if i ever get to have one genuine conversation with them once a month. it just kinda hurts to think about i guess. + +why can't i connect with people? why is it so difficult? all of my life i've avoided people and just wanted to do my own thing and the moment i try building meaningful connections with people they all fail.",Personality disorder +51756,"Who is my first love? Have I fallen in love yet? As someone with AVPD, I have trouble connecting with people. I know I'm smart, and attractive, and I care for people, but it's my lack of social skills that make it hard for people to see the real me. I've had two guys like me back in the past few years. Which one of them would be considered my ""first love""? + +The first guy ""Dave"" I met when I was 19 on vacation. He and I would just talk at the pool about politics and education (even though he was kind of a party guy, he has a nerdy side). We only hung out for two days, but after our first day hanging out, the second day, he was really shy talking to me. But our romance was cut short because he had a girlfriend, and made the mistake of spilling the beans about his crush on me to other kids at the resort. He cut off contact with me, but when they broke up a month later, he started looking at my social media a lot. Not to mention, he made a playlist about me for my birthday. We don't even talk, so I don't know if this is some sort of peace offering or apology. + +The second guy ""Steve"" I met a year later, at my job. He and I bonded on the first day of work about growing up in the same hometown, and I told my mom that day about how we bonded over our ""parallel lives"". We worked together for a little over a year. And we never went out or anything, but he would hit on me a lot. But stupid me was either too dense to realize he was flirting or too surprised in the moment to say any good flirting lines back. But a customer asked me for my number one day, and I gave it to him. I guess I kind of wanted to motivate my crush to ask me out, but literally the week after, he went out with his sister's friend (the sister set them up), but they broke up and he likes me. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11wpn90)",Personality disorder +51757,,Personality disorder +51758,"Fuck it I'm starting benzos on Tuesday. My brother had shit withdrawals from them and almost died, but according to him, you don't give a shit on them and actually function like a normal, non-mentally-ill person.",Personality disorder +51759,,Personality disorder +51760,"Briggs personality type and connection with AvPD I Heard that these two personality types might be more likely to develop AvPD. i would like to see If its plausible. + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11vt0gx)",Personality disorder +51761,"Out with friends for the first time in a long time.. can’t leave.. Went out with an old friend for her birthday in a city two hours away from where I live. + +Things were going well but I’m getting the feeling I annoyed everyone and no one wants to hear my voice anymore. I can’t excuse myself and go home, and I also feel rude saying I’m going to bed first. I’m the only single person here, and there’s so many years of bonding and inside jokes I’ve missed out on. + +You know when at the beginning of the night everyone seems happy to see you and laughs at your comments (if you’re your lucky), but then everyone slowly stops replying to you and distancing themselves from you as the night goes on. I also got overstimulated and frustrated very briefly (not at anyone in particular) but now I just feel like I overstayer my welcome. + +I’m stuck here until tomorrow morning when we go home, and I have no one to talk to because this girl I came with is my only friend. I feel like shrinking and making everyone forget I was ever here.",Personality disorder +51762,I'm not the friend people want. I'm not great at connecting with people. I understand social cues but I guess people find me weird or whatever. I will be there for people but they will say things like they feel like they have nobdoy to talk to and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them or the the type of friend they had in mind. It sucks but what can you do?,Personality disorder +51763,,Personality disorder +51764,Do you think AVPD makes you more tired? I thought it was depression but maybe the nonstop hypervigilance is really the one doing it. Does anything help?,Personality disorder +51765,DAE talk too much about themselves / overshare for no reason Usually I am a secretive person but if I start talking about myself I almost always go into unneccessary details.,Personality disorder +51766,"I’m mostly so avoidant due to being ashamed of my appearance, and feeling like I don’t belong. Anyone else feel the same way? I’m a below average looking guy, and I just want to be normal looking. I feel like my AVPD has gotten worse over time because I am just too ugly for life.",Personality disorder +51767,"suffering from AvPD as an ugly guy is like a cruel joke sometimes I can't believe i'm in this situation lol, it's like a nightmare. You know nothing is gonna change even if you cure this sickness, because you are ugly and getting excluded is a natural procces for you. + +Edit: Posting something like this was a miskate. Looks like when you are an ugly man you can't talk about your problems, and when you do people tell you its all your fault and you have a shitty personality (you cannot say the opposite otherwise you will get downvoted to the bottom). Thanks to our helpful users here, today i learned i'm a sexist schizophrenic guy who has some personality issues and treats other people like shit(even tho they dont talk to me for more than 10 seconds).",Personality disorder +51768,,Personality disorder +51769,"Does anybody else feel like they know their symptoms understand how their brains though process work, but still feel hopeless at getting rid of AvPD Im a very introspective person I always observe my actions and thoughts and how I interact with other people, i can see I’ve got a negative feedback loop with SAD, AvPD and autism traits which destroys my self esteem which means I always have bad intentions and conversations with people, but im just so confused and leaves me feeling hopeless as i have no idea how to change",Personality disorder +51770,"Making changes in a terrible depression Tw lightly suicidal + +This week I have to begin fixing my life. I don’t have a choice in the matter. I will need to see a new psychiatrist, and a new therapist. I need to get a job, I need to eat. I have so much to do to fix myself before I can even start with the basics of life. And worst of all, I have to be honest to heal. I’m not even honest with myself. I just smile and nod to everyone. No one takes me seriously, because I’m always laughing and joking. I can’t turn it off. Like when your parents say ‘keep making that face and it’ll stick that way forever,’ I got my face stuck in a clown mask. + +I feel like a shriveled, dehydrated soul. Like a sewer rat crawling out of the soggy drain. I’m horrifically depressed, the worst of my life. And honestly the effort just doesn’t feel worth it. I’d really rather just rot and die. I’m so terrified of all this, I’d prefer to die. But I couldn’t make that choice either. I am trapped on all sides.",Personality disorder +51771,"I recovered from AvPD. What will help others? I don’t believe in matters of mental health ever truly being 100% cured. + +Even though I still have some AvPD traits that I’m still working on, my therapist says I certainly no longer meet the diagnosis of AvPD. + +I’ve gone from being a textbook AvPD with such bad social anxiety I barely left the house an could barely order a cheeseburger. +All through school people called me “socially retarded” and my mom thought I was autistic. +To now being a very socially skilled, confident, outgoing person who makes friends easily. + +I’m curious if people are interested in some kind of a write up about how I’ve recovered from my AvPD, what helped me, how long it can take etc? + +I see a lot of people struggling and feeling hopeless on this board. +It breaks my heart when I see people truly believe that recovery is impossible (and spreading that false message). It is possible! It’s just really hard, uncomfortable, takes a lot of time and you have to really want it. + +Thoughts on whether a write up is something people would be receptive of? I’m also open to suggestions of what else could help. + +P.S. I feel vulnerable writing this post in fear that people will have an angry, skeptical reaction or think I’m being narcissistic. But I wanted to take the risk and reach out anyway, because I’m super passionate about recovery and I’d love to see the negative narrative about AvPD recovery start to change.",Personality disorder +51772,"I look like how I want to. So, this is actually something really positive for me, even if it isn't considered the best thing in everyone's minds. + +I was going to the bathroom, and I was wearing a really baggy hoodie with pants that are way too big for me these days. The pants used to fit me just fine, but I've lost so much weight that I have to tie them around my waist or they'll just fall off. + +Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I saw myself in the mirror when I walked in, and I couldn't help but think that I look exactly how I want to look. I love how comfy clothes look, my hair is long and messy, and I guess I'm in a good enough state of mind to see myself as cute when my hair covers my face like it did. I am embarrassed that as a guy, I like feeling cute, but I think it's great and I've been told that it actually makes me more attractive. + +But when I was admiring myself in the mirror, I lifted up my hoodie (no I don't wear a shirt underneath my hoodies, the temperature much too hot for that as I can barely wear this hoodie) and I saw that my waist was super skinny. Of course, I don't eat much, and I still function fine, so I guess that's okay. + +What I'm getting at is, I was able to look at myself in the mirror today, and I liked what I saw, and people can think what they want, I look exactly how I want to look today, and I love that. + +Things have really been getting better for me, and though there's still plenty of low points, I can easily see my condition is getting better. I hope everyone else is doing okay, and I hope that by sharing this I can bring some hope to anyone else who has been struggling with this pd. Thank y'all if you read this far, and I hope you're doing well.",Personality disorder +51773,"People telling me to calm down instead of understanding my pain DAE experience this? No one takes me seriously when I say that stuff that's happened to me has negatively affected my mental health. I'm basically told to calm down/ stop worrying, even if it's really affected me. Basically just a refusal to accept and acknowledge that I've been hurt. + +I think is partly why I have avpd to start with. I guess this could be classed as some form of emotional neglect, not having my feelings validated or taken seriously to the point where I've had to deal with my trauma by myself.",Personality disorder +51774,"Addicted to cam girls Anyone else here addicted to cam girls online, talking to them anonymously because you don't have anyone in real life? +hard to stop when what you need is a real girlfriend",Personality disorder +51775,"Has therapy ever worked for you I’ve tried counselling and schema therapy but it always ended the same way as i realise talking doesn’t solve deep mental issues, but I’ve seen cbt and dbt therapys and wounded if anybody has any experiences with it and was it beneficial.",Personality disorder +51776,"Taking 24 hours or days to respond to texts? Hello lovely community, + +I’m reading a lot about this, mainly to understand the guy I’m dating better who has AVPD! + +My lovely community, please help me understand why it takes often over 24 hours to respond to a text from your loved ones? + +Is there specific content that triggers you to avoid replying I.e expression of feelings? Yet I hear that the AVPD community does enjoy getting reassurance. + +Sometimes it makes me feel like there’s a lack of interest but I often end up getting a reply after all- just days late . But it’s confusing to determine wether you are disinterested or just afraid to answer. + +Love to hear your thoughts/experiences",Personality disorder +51777,"Nobody in my life has ever truly known me. I put up so many masks around everybody. I show some parts of myself to some people, and other parts to other people. And some parts I never show anybody and probably never will. Nobody in my life has ever truly known me, they only know the person I’ve shown them. It’s exhausting, but it’s basically second nature at this point and I literally don’t know how to be anything else. I find myself telling so many little lies even about the most mundane things about myself and I don’t even mean to do it on purpose. My opinions are always what I think the other person wants to hear. Every word I say and everything I show on the surface is always a watered down version of what I truly want to say and feel. Even when I’m just in the car with someone I only play music I think they would like or what I want them to think I listen to. Most of the time I don’t even know what parts of myself are true or not. I’m like a puzzle made up of completely different pieces that don’t fit together. It’s all just so fucked. I don’t know how to fix this. I wish there was someone who could see through all these masks and help bring out who I actually am, but I don’t even know if that’s possible at this point.",Personality disorder +51778,"I can't imagine what friendship would look like in my life I'm in my 40s now. The last time I had friends was in school. I'm not sure we would have been friends if the we hadn't been in the same environment day after day. Actually I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have been. My friends mostly were other people who didn't have other friends, i.e. other outsiders. + +We'd meet to play computer games, or sometimes (rarely) go swimming. But we never really talked about personal stuff. I'm not even sure this counts as friendship? + +Anyway...so I've been without that kind of social connection for a long time now. Too busy struggling with education and work and health and life in general to engage in hobbies. + +I think I really have no idea what friendship is apart from seeing it on TV or remembering childhood friends. Is it more than spending time together and watching TV or engaging in hobbies together? Am I even capable of friendship? + +Consequently, friendship isn't something I've been looking for. Maybe if I knew what I'm missing out on, I would? + +I'm about to embark on a psychotherapy journey again, and I feel unprepared. What do I even want?",Personality disorder +51779,"Anyone else have trouble verbalizing their thoughts and feelings? I used to be quite eloquent when I was younger, despite not talking to anyone. I always had the right word or description for what I intended to say. If only I wasn’t an asshole and actually practiced conversation.. + +Not sure where it all started to escape me. Could be when my mental health went downhill, or when I got off my meds, or when I got high almost every day for a year. But nowadays it’s not uncommon for me to struggle to write simple sentences. Sending an email or text takes me way longer than it should. + +It really interferes when I’m trying to talk with others. So often I feel like I know what I want to say but the words are just out of reach, and instead of adding to the conversation I’m just like “yeah.. uuuh I feel you”",Personality disorder +51780,"I want to curl up into my bed and never leave This week has been absolute hell. I feel so overwhelmed with life right now, and I want to be completely alone. I don’t want to be perceived or asked why I missed two weeks of class. I don’t want people constantly (and very publicly) asking me if I’m okay. Yes, I’m fine, but no I’m not fine. I’m fine enough to function, but I also want to run away. I appreciate the sentiment, I just wish it wasn’t in front of the whole class. + +I’m pretty sure most of this is my depression talking, but it’s definitely making my AvPD symptoms worse. I feel like EVERYBODY is looking at me. I’m beating myself up all the time for what I don’t/can’t do. I feel like everyone hates me. I hate myself. I just want to hide. Curl up into my corner. Never speak to a soul.",Personality disorder +51781,"Any hobbies? If you're comfortable sharing, does anyone here have any hobbies/activities that they enjoy?",Personality disorder +51782,Why do people always come with this remark? So i just started supplement license beside my real license(hope its understandable). We have to drive some lesson and i was with a new driving instructor. Finished my lesson and he gave me some tips. One of Them was i dont need to be a “mouse” at this point i just felt insulted. Why is there always a expectation to be talkative? Yeah im gonna drive people around most elderly but im gonna try as much i can. Im seriously tired of society always expecting everyone to be bubbly and talk constantly….,Personality disorder +51783,"Need to vent. I have had a partner for 4 years. It’s a shock to me, as well. But we haven’t had the greatest past. To make a very long story short: When he started medical school (4 years ago, when we first started dating), he wasn’t that nice to me. Some might say he was abusive towards me, especially when he drank. Anyway, he used my avoidant personality as leverage to skew many details regarding our relationship. It turned everyone in his life against me. + +Now, my partner has sobered up. It took me a while to trust and accept this change. But the people in his life still haven’t let go of the past. And the truth is, neither have I. I’ve forgiven my partner but I haven’t forgotten how everyone else treated me, even after my partner tried to clear my name. It only augmented the characteristics of my AVPD. It dissuaded me from applying to grad school, seek any professional or academic opportunities… but mainly, it left me with an intense fear of leaving my house because I simply don’t trust anyone anymore. + +Today, my partner found out where he matched for residency. His school hosted a luncheon that celebrated the students who matched. So my partner invited me and his parents; and his friends were already there since they’re in the same class. Keep in mind that I haven’t seen anyone in about 2-3 years. + +After panicking for a week before the event, I finally mustered up the courage to go. I convinced myself it’s not going to be bad. My partner actually reassured me a lot, as well. Well…. + +Aside from my partner, everyone acted like I was invisible. They went out of their way to hug and greet everyone, and then skipped right over me. Even when I spoke, they wouldn’t acknowledge me. My partner was really disappointed in them but wanted to keep the mood light, so he didn’t confront anyone. He did stick by my side, so I was at least grateful for that. + +It all just augmented my social anxiety, avoidant personality, and even my body dysmorphia. Looking at the pictures I took of everyone else versus the photos they took of me…. I’m really struggling to decide if it’s just a bad day or if I’m really that hideous. It makes me never want to step foot outside again. + +My partner truly has turned his life around and has become more aware of my needs. I love him very much and am proud that he’s grown up a lot during our relationship. Yes, ideally we would’ve never had to go through our dark phase. But he’s helped me in many ways too. I just wish the people in his life were nicer to me. + +They have no idea what their rejection does to me.",Personality disorder +51784,"is it only me? i've been diagnosed having BPD (borderline personality disorder) 4 years ago when i was 16, since then my life have been a living hell. However last year and a half i've felt like my symptoms have changed a lot, though i still have all the BPD symptoms, some symptoms like avoidance, social anxiety, isolation, feeling less, came up from nowhere. For matter of fact, i stopped talking to all my ""friends"", stopped working, going out, date, i stopped living. This winter i didn't go out of my appartement, and if it wasn't for my mother, i would probably have died of hunger. Going out doesn't scare me, people outside does. I feel like they all stare at me and they know how shitty i am, i feel like i'm not like them and whatever i do i'm not enough. Even open the shutters is a damn burden. Sometimes i think i might be paranoid, but i don't think people wan't me any harm nor i feel persecuted, i'm just ashamed of myself... I don't know if i have AvPD or just social anxiety but it's a fucking misery.. +Is there anyone if this situation?",Personality disorder +51785,"does anyone else hide their phone from everyone or turn off the television when someone else walks into the room? Not because they are doing something suspicious but because they don't want their preferences or choices to be seen? + +I have the option to watch YouTube on a smart TV, but instead I watch it on a tiny little phone screen with earphones when I'm in company because I don't want anyone to see my web or streaming history, even if it's something as innocuous as looking up a recipe or reading an online news article. I just feel so much fear of someone looking at my internet history although it's generally harmless and boring crap. + +I remember being 10 years old and my brother being angry at me because I would turn off the TV and act all shifty when he walked into the room. + +When I was a child I would hide my drawings from my parents and classmates because I would be so embarrassed. That was my first sign of AVPD. + +I was eventually diagnosed at 21 and again by another psychologist at 27.",Personality disorder +51786,"Lack of opinion and interest in things Anyone else ever feel slow to catch on to things? New show comes out, new game comes out, new trend, im always late to it all. I always find myself saying the phrase “that’s a thing?” when people bring up things I genuinely never heard of but apparently everyone else has + +I seem to have a general lack of interest in exploring anything in my life. If 0 is “I hate it” and 10 is “I love this and will skip sleep to do it”, the highest I can get is like a 7. Even with the things I “love”. Which sucks. Because often times people bond thru shared hobbies but you have to be passionate enough about that said hobby to actually fit in. And often times I’m just not that into it as the people around me. + +One simple example is when I tried playing DnD. It just made me uncomfortable because everyone was so into it and I wanted to be as well, but idk it felt like there was this barrier between me and having fun. And I get that it might not be my cup of tea, but like, this happens with everything I try + +Or when I was considering my major for school. I ended up picking something that I had just ""heard"" was a highly paid major, without really thinking about it at all. I didn't bother to look into what classes I would be taking, what jobs it would train me for, hell, whether or not I even liked it. It was just ""ok, sounds good"". One of the most important decisions of my life, made in 10 minutes. And now senior year, I'm regretting it heavily and feel like switching to another career. + +Makes me think about how many opportunities I’ve missed out on simply for being too average and opinionless in life. Idk + +I'm asking on this sub mostly because I'm curious if this is related to avpd or not. Or if it’s more a personality thing",Personality disorder +51787,"i'm never gonna be loved by anyone... and i think that's okay. for a long time, all i wanted is to be loved by other people, but as a depressed individual, it's been kinda impossible to believe anyone will ever love me. and i don't even mean it exclusively in the romantic sense (how does a first kiss feel? i don't even know), but in the platonic sense too. + +i don't even think i'm physically unattractive, but i do know my personality is unattractive, which is somehow *worse.* with this i am not saying i am unworthy of love, i mean that my goals in life and my way of being is not what it's expected of people nowadays. i have weird and extremely niche interests, i am weird and my only purpose in life is to collect the biggest spectrum of unique experiencies; definitely not the kind of people that attracts other people in this world (i mean ambitious people with dreams of financial gains, charismatic people, etcetera). + +don't get me wrong, i love my weird quirky self, but so far nobody has ever loved my weird quirky self lol. i know there's lots of people in this big and wide planet, but it seems like i don't have the skills to find the people who will like me, the people who will form groups with me, the people who will desire me in a romantic way. and considering my age, i feel like it's too late to find those skills, the skills of making deep, meaningful, reciprocal connections with other people. + +but i think that's okay. somehow, getting rid of the desire to form connections with others has made me happier with those small-talk friendships whom only talk to me about the weather or their job, with those classmates who only talk to me when i awkwardly join the bigger groups at college. maybe thinking that i'm worthy to be loved by other people is me asking too much? + +the approach i'm taking now is to love myself. and with ""love"" i mean romantic love; i flirt with myself. i tell myself i'm beautiful, even if i don't recognize that person in the mirror as someone beautiful. i have lots of love buried in my heart, and i always waited to get into a relationship to give this love to someone else. now, i try to give it to my own self. there's days when i really want to die and i can't even get out of bed, and i ask myself ""what would i do if the love of my life felt like this?"" and i realize that i would support her; i would do everything to get her out of bed, help her bath and make some food for her. so i get out of bed, i bathe myself and make myself some food. + +there's some days when loneliness hurts, though. i always see stories of the beauty of romantic love, of touching the lips of the person you would die for, feeling that person's chest and not caring if the world ends, as long as you're on their arms. stories of the joy of hanging out with like-minded people, and just being up at 4am enjoying each other's presence and looking at the stars together. these are experiences i will never live, and it hurts. and it makes me feel like this whole philosophy i just described in this post is just a dangerous coping mechanism. + +but what would i do if the love of my life felt like this? i would hug them and tell them that it's gonna be okay. so i just tell myself that i'm gonna be okay. + +*""You think you might find community, a sense of connection to something bigger, but you don’t. In fact, you feel more alone than you did before you left … But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone.” - Bojack Horseman*",Personality disorder +51788,"This is really getting out of control I feel exhausted from the constant voices in my head and my heart racing during social situations. I feel like everything I do, could have been done better, and that I am inadequate. My avoidance is getting worse to the point where I am unable to do anything at all. As a medical student, I chose to study this major without truly understanding the challenges that would come with it. Now, during my clinical rotations, every encounter with each patient feels like a nightmare. I constantly feel judged, and I fear harsh criticism is always one step away from being directed at me. This constant mental battle leaves me with no room to use the knowledge that I have worked so hard to achieve. + I am always reserved and quiet, and I do not act on anything until I know there is no other option, fearing that I will be blamed for my incompetence. However, this has backfired on me, as I struggle to form connections and networks, losing out on many opportunities in my field that could improve my social and financial status. Gradually, people have started to label me as arrogant or irresponsible, which makes me feel hopeless. +What can I do to sustain balance, at least in my mind? In addition to this, I am lonely, and the effect on my already-damaged mental health is apparent. +Last year, I met a group of people with whom I shared similar interests. Socializing with them was enjoyable, and I felt liked. But, in my efforts to get closer to them and belong to the friend group, I ended up stressing over whether I was making them uncomfortable, whether I had anything interesting to say, and whether they looked down on me. The gut-wrenching anxiety became too much to bear, and I ended up quitting. I limited my texts and stopped going to meetings. Though I am still in contact with them on social media, I see how new people have joined the group, formed close friendships, and I continue to feel like a familiar stranger to all of them. +I am preparing myself to accept the lack of romantic intimacy in my life. Though I have always been indifferent about relationships, sometimes I think that I am going to miss out on so many ordinary but enjoyable experiences in life. There were guys who took an interest in me because I had this ""mysterious aura"" around me, but after a few more dates, I was still the same person they met on the first day. I had nothing more to offer other than shallow and unimportant conversations. Every time I wanted to go deeper, I felt exposed and vulnerable like prey. So, it's definitive for me that I have to completely abandon this part of my life and move on. +I'm sorry if I went on for too long or sounded negative, but I really needed to share my thoughts and emotions with those who can understand. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.",Personality disorder +51789,"AvPD and covid has ruined my dream job. So I've been a nanny for about 10 years now (daycare before that) and one of the best parts of the job was extremely minimal adult interaction. I'd go to work, one of the parents would tell me what I needed to know and then went to work. When they got back in the evening we'd say ""goodnight"" and that was it. + +Since covid, however, at least one of the parents works from home. I currently work for a family with BOTH parents work from home. It's terrible. I jump at every noise that might mean they are coming to ""say hi"" to their kid. I worry so much about where they are, what they think they're hearing when I talk to their baby, my appearance, the way I dress. I imagine they're mocking the way I sneeze or they're disgusted by my weight gain. + +I am very good at my job but my anxiety is so distracting it makes everything so much harder. I can't tell you how many times I've tossed my phone across the room when I hear footsteps coming because even if I am only looking up the weather or craft ideas I'm terrified they'll think I'm on the phone all day.",Personality disorder +51790,"BPD and AvPD comorbidity, anyone? Lately I’ve been reading more about BPD, particularly “silent” BPD, and I check off every symptom on the list. I’m wondering if it’s a common thing for these two conditions to be related, as it seems that this combo could be incredibly self destructive(as I am) and hectic. Thoughts?",Personality disorder +51791,"is it wrong of me? i am not diagnosed with avpd. i think i have it but i won’t say i have it. i’ve shown a lot of symptoms since childhood. i’m 18 and usually they diagnose people who are older so yea idk. + +i’ve posted on here several times and feel such a comfort with all the people who relate. i’ve lost friendships because of how i am. it’s so nice to feel understood and to connect with other people like me. + +i don’t know where else to go to vent, so i usually go here. all the people who comment really make me feel better since they get it.",Personality disorder +51792,"How do you get through the process of getting a job? I’m planning on doing a certain diploma you need to do at least six months of internship for. I should’ve started applying for those weeks ago but I’ve been avoiding it because I feel like I’d either end up not getting the internship or trick them into thinking I’ll be a valuable addition to their institution — which I don’t think I would be. So essentially, I’ve been doing self sabotage. + +Now, the problem is that I’ve had quite a lot of absences at school, the teachers all know about some of my mental illnesses and have suffered because of it. + +I’ll need references for the application process, I don’t have anyone else to do that other than my teachers but I feel that asking anyone to do it would be putting them in a really hard position because they don’t want to lie to an institution about me being a valuable addition when they (think they) know I’ll only mess things up. + +Honestly, I just feel like even if I end up getting an internship somehow (would be a miracle in the first place) I’d somehow find a way to burn out and mess up once again. + +If I don’t go for this diploma I’ll essentially have wasted four years of my life and I don’t think my chronically depressed self could recover from that. + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +51793,"So tired of everything I am so goddamn tired of everything. + + I am not looking forward to anything, have no goals..just a low-paid job that I don't really like. I guess I can be proud that I got one in the first place, despite how horribly painful that was to get used to it and my thoughts about quitting it after first week. + But honestly, other than that, I have no clue why I am doing all this. I mean, everything..going to job, eating, trying to do something..living. I am so tired I barely drag my body to work or practically anywhere. + About my job..I got more or less used to it but I still feel like my co-workers hate me. It's my avpd brain acting up, again. Goddamn pesky little thing. They're nice to me but this irrational part of me wins every time + Every day is a misery and I am so tired.. + I always tell myself that I have to go forward and don't stop but by now I am not sure why or where I am going. Feels like I am just aimlessly wandering around in the darkness with no clue whatsoever",Personality disorder +51794,"Just wonder if people have heard of hypersensitivity. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP but I realized I was being super sensitive for awhile now. I think this is when I started to realize my AvPD. I was talking to my former therapist a couple of months back and she told me about it. Her friend had become disabled and was being hypersensitive. + +I think a lot of this comes from trauma. Also doesn’t help when people aren’t really compassionate in general. I don’t really have much advice but try to heal from traumas. I’ve been doing that alot more lately. It took a really long time but I feel less stuck now.",Personality disorder +51795,"Please tell me I’m not the only one? When people get to know me, I’m actually very loud. Almost obnoxiously loud as in I’d be embarrassed if I acted that way around random people😂 And I sometimes wonder if I’m avoidant because of the fact that deep down I’m just an obnoxiously loud person and somehow I’ve decided being avoidant keeps my life easier. Less drama, no risk of annoying people. But then I also wonder if maybe in reality I’m just loud sometimes to make up for the way too many times I’ve kept everything inside? Idk but that leads me to another question. How can you truly heal from your problems when it would require getting rid of coping mechanisms held in place all your life? + +I should add I’m generally a very quiet person.",Personality disorder +51796,"Can't make a single phone call? I was told to phone call someone but I cant even make myself! I'm literally about to tell them I'm incapable of talking to people and make myself even more pathetic! +Wtf should I do? They will just tell me meaningless things for an hour which I have no solution to.My phobia is getting worse and worse ! +I'm also starting to have some anger outbursts which rarely happen but I think I will snap! And it is not even that big of deal.",Personality disorder +51797,"What are you guys good at? Sometimes I forget I'm good at things, it helps me to remember what ones since there's so much I feel like I'm *not* good at. I'm more than what I'm not naturally good at. + +I'm: + +* Very naturally flexible so yoga is easy for me. +* Extremely resourceful, I feel like I can make anything out of anything. +* Great at literary analysis. +* A good cook. +* I don't easily give up when something is difficult. +* Good at understanding & applying new concepts easily. +* Good at drawing & art. +* Good at trying new things if they're not too overwhelming. +* Empathetic and nonjudgmental (despite what my face and energy are giving off lol) +* Good taste, in books, fashion, films, etc. +* Good at gift-giving + +What about you all? ✌️",Personality disorder +51798,"Anyone here try making online friends? For me its difficult because everyone is more advanced than me or younger. Many people are focused on careers/productivity/school/family. I always feel like a kid compared to others when I observe or interact with people. + +Another issue that would happen is the few people I found remotely on my level would ditch me after some months. I think it does not work with people if you do not objectively help the person or intend to interact with them on a physical or visceral level rather than just talking about interests or random stuff. + +In theory I should just go ask people if they want to play certain games but it does not feel right if people just opening up about their personal lives or bantering with me makes me feel like trash. It is absurd to me that I have to shut out 99.X percent of the population because they are better than me or I don't share their interests.",Personality disorder +51799,"does anyone else keep making new Reddit accounts? I find myself abandoning Reddit accounts and making new ones every few weeks or so. I hate the fact that Reddit leaves a trail of evidence about me that I can't hide from people and make my comments and questions private. I hate the whole karma and upvotes/downvotes thing. I like Reddit for the simple fact that there are communities here for just about everything that I don't have access to otherwise. I also use Facebook groups but I have an account with a fake name and no information on the profile. If I have commented too much in a single group and people start recognizing me I usually change my name on Facebook. You are usually allowed to change your name on Facebook several times a year or so. + +I just hate the fact that I am seen and I have built a persona, either online or offline. I just wish I could be invisible or anonymous everywhere I went including online. I also hate people knowing what country I was born in because most people are from the United states and it makes me stand out so I try and use American terms and spellings as much as I can. I also have trauma from my home country and just mentioning that I am from there makes me anxious and I feel paranoid talking to people from my own country. I go back and edit comments constantly and I'm always deleting things. + +People automatically find this behavior shifty and I have been called out a few times and people always think I'm up to something.",Personality disorder +51800,"Is anybody mainly scared of simply being perceived? Like I don’t really care if they think I’m dumb or even *like* me at this point in my life… but something about knowing people see me is terrifying. Eye contact is the absolute worst because it’s 100 percent focus. I always try to look people in the eyes but HAVE to look away within a second otherwise I feel like they’ll hate me. I’m 24M and it’s waaaay worse with women, I feel like I’m invading their space just looking anywhere near them to the point I don’t even know what their face looks like after an interaction. + +When my best friend of 10 years comes over to watch a movie I will not glance in their direction the entire time and stay on my side of the couch. But I can converse just fine and not overthink my words at all. I also feel like I have tunnel vision when im in grocery stores and if I go to a restaurant I will be stiffly hunched over my plate staring at the wall the entire time. I just realized being blind would be kinda awesome and probably take away like 90 percent of my stressors. Okay this got way out of hand im baked goodnight and if you’re reading this I love you",Personality disorder +51801,"I’m worried I’m second choice I met a guy on a trip two years ago. He told mutual friends that he liked me, and he asked them not to tell me, but they did. When he found out that I knew, he cut off all contact with me. Two months later, he and his girlfriend broke up. I have to admit that before he was single, I'd look at his TikToks a lot. I never liked or commented on it; I'd just watch the videos. + +A few days before he and his girlfriend broke up, I noticed that my TikToks would go up. I had 3 followers, but whenever I'd watch his videos, a few hours later, my TikTok views would rise. I even tried doing it on certain days; eg. I'd watch his videos one day, watch it two days later, then the day after, and each time I saw them, my views went up, and on the days that I didn't watch them, they stayed the same. This continued for the better part of a year. Last year, it was still frequent, but less so. Now, it's every two or three weeks that we do this. One time, he even posted a TikTok in English (English isn't his first language, and all of his previous videos were in his native language). + +TikTok wasn't the only platform he was looking at me on. He would do it on Twitter too. One time, I retweeted a picture of a Star Wars character. Less than an hour later, he posted a meme of that same character. The meme was in English, and it's not that I want to say that the meme wasn't funny, but it was obvious that he posted it just to post it. There's been at least three other instances where he did something similar. + +However, twice he did things that tickled me funny. About six months after they broke up, he started following her on TikTok, but unfollowed her within a few hours (probably because she didn’t follow him back). A month later, one of his ex's close friends posted a TikTok video with his ex in it. He started following this friend. Around eight months of this going on, he made his Instagram and TikTok private. I have no idea why. But I can tell he still looks at my TikTok, because TikTok tells who looks at your profile. I don’t post much, and he looks at it every two to three days.",Personality disorder +51802,"You're actually all great people and this subreddit is living proof. I've been on this subreddit for a good period of time now and it's quite an active one with several posts every day and pretty much all of them receive a response of some sort whether it's about people asking for advice or venting. + +There's no toxicity. There's no arguing. There's just empathy and help. + +So I just want to say that although living with AvPD can be a painful existence that eats away at our self-esteem, I appreciate all of you for making this subreddit such a great space.",Personality disorder +51803,"I make people uncomfortable My presence makes others uncomfortable and i can feel it. There's this awkwardness. Whenever I need to go out and i have to interact with others or when I'm with my own family, i feel it. And i know that awkwardness is because of me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know some will say it's in your head but no i really feel like my presence is just uncomfortable to be around. You know sometimes people can sense things? People can sense when you're sad or in my case, uncomfortable in social interactions so they pick up on that and they aren't used to that so then everything becomes uncomfortable. I don't like this feeling.",Personality disorder +51804,"Conversational and social skills… what are they I think I’ve never given myself a chance to develop them because of AvPD. I could’ve had a fuller social life in school but I was so in my shell, I just had a few close friends. And even with them, I felt I could’ve been better. It seemed like they all clicked with each other very well and even though we were all good friends, sometimes there was something missing in my connection with people. I know they say skills are to be learned but it really really REALLY seems like it’s just inborn for other people. So I just do everything I can to avoid one on one conversations so nobody has the chance to think I’m weird and don’t know how to talk or something.",Personality disorder +51805,"Just a quick moment of levity Hey guys what are your 3 favorite/special films and 1 tv show you adore:) + +Mine are: +1.Cherry +2.Drive +3.Wind River +...Mandy is also one of favs, especially the first half of the film. + +And I'm a huge Stranger Things fan, that's my favourite tv show",Personality disorder +51806,"I can’t sustain long conversations It doesn’t matter who the other person is, if we are engaged in a conversation, the longer it takes the more symptoms I get. At first I am ok, then the worry begins in my head where at the same time I am talking, I start observing myself. + +The conversation continues but at this time the symptoms I have been worried about begin to appear, my ears turn red, my lips start to shake, my thinking start to prepare for the impending possibility of having a panic attack while at the same time I start observing that the person I am talking to has now noticed that I am having a reaction. My voice start to tremble as I must make some type of escape. + +Shame overtakes me as I now know that the other person knows that something just went wrong. I abruptly end the conversation and remove myself now completely drained and knowing that in future conversations with that person, this previous terrible episode will be the thing in my head and wondering if it will also be in their head. + +Later on as days pass, I start noticing that the other person also becomes uncomfortable and looks anxious when talking to me but seems happy and relaxed when talking to other people. + +After sometime, I start avoiding them because it takes a toll on me. If it is a place of employment, over time I will have many of such episodes with different people and it becomes too much so I quit so I can start fresh somewhere else but I already know what the outcome will be at each new place. + +I am 56 and have been like that since High School. + +Some medications have helped, particularly Effexor. Also thinking about my lungs breathing and doing mindfulness while conversing have reduced it tremendously, but many times I forget to do the work and I get the episodes. + +This is all from times in my childhood where I was shamed in front of others and ridiculed by aunts, uncles, grandparents and teachers. + +One of my grandma’s used to on many occasions take her frustrations on me when I did something bad. So for some reason now, when I talk to other adults, it triggers all of the reactions I had as a child when I was getting yelled at.",Personality disorder +51807,"Feeling disconnected from peers - how do I stand out to fit in? Hi, I've been struggling a lot in school from even before college and lonely for most of my life. I've been the odd one out since back when and slow on socialising - I can't seem to use social media well (too afraid that my relatives will find it) and/or hold conversations for very long even though I find people with the same interests. I've gotten responses that range from implying that I annoy them or getting told my way of thinking is... strange(?) I'm not sure how to phrase this since I tend to notice my ideas get shot down and nitpicked more than others in my friend group or even project team setting. + +I started withdrawing from my social circles as a result and getting used to living alone with myself. My family been supportive of me thus far and I shouldnt complain but I cant live like this for very long - I want to express myself and find a space for my art, craft and ideas that accepts me for me. +And I'm sure in order to be independent, I need to also be comfortable with myself. + +But I'm not. I live life now never crossing the line with people even if I think its a terrible idea and is proven to be for the purpose of avoiding conflict, I withhold my ideas so as to not seem radical or stupid and avoid being berated or talked down. I feel like a NPC living a scripted life. + +How do we overcome this and have the courage to live for us? Can I do it in a way to eliminate these stresses? Or is avoiding them the main issue?",Personality disorder +51808,"I love the idea of a romantic relationship, but I can’t put the work in. I (28M) feel like any kind of dating/relationships is just work - work, work, work, work, work. I like the idea of having a connection in my life, but I don’t think I’m willing to do what it takes. + +I think bc I’m so low-maintenance, I attract a lot of very clingy needy people which made me hate the idea of dating because they’d never leave me alone. And not just the process of dating itself (which sucks for most people); but just being in a relationship, requires too much work and expectations. Maybe I’m just lazy, but how do you have the motivation to keep going with dating when it’s just annoyance?",Personality disorder +51809,"crippling guilt from my inability to answer texts I don’t know how common this is but it’s extremely difficult for me to find the strength in me to text people back and it’s killing my (nonexistent) social life and the possibility of ever finding love. I live in constant guilt/dread knowing that I have people in my DMs trying to contact me to hang out, but my fear of embarrassment and awkwardness is freaking killing me. All i’ve ever wanted was to belong and be able to make friends, but my brain literally stops me in my tracks. It’s also necessary to note that I have ADHD (primarily inattentive) and once I take my medication, I’m lucky to have maybe 30min of adequate dopamine levels to push myself and reply. Sometimes I do reply, but when I go back to baseline I just want to isolate and be in my dark room. I really feel like I’m being tortured by my own brain. It’s a terrible feeling to crave social interaction but to also be deathly afraid of the possibility that I could ruin everything and be viewed as an embarrassment. I really don’t feel worthy of having the opportunity to make friends. My SSRIs have made me so numb and my personality rarely sparkles anymore, so I can’t imagine anyone would want to be around someone so dull. + +Do any of you relate?? It feels like a mental trap.",Personality disorder +51810,"Currently grieving the life I‘ll never have Yes I‘m working on myself and it‘s never to late to start/change. But some things are time sensitive and I‘ll just have to accept I‘ll never have children for example. Sure I could pop one out right now, but that wouldn‘t be the responsible thing to do given my mental state as well as just my general state of things. + +There just isn‘t enough time for me to get well enough, get my life in order, find a reasonable partner get married and start a family before time runs out. So now I‘m just trying to prepare myself for when the inevitable comes and I‘m still here left alone probably still struggling mentally. + +That is all, I‘m sad this disorder has robbed me of so much and I still can‘t seem to get a handle on it.",Personality disorder +51811,"is there a point in trying to completely get over this shit i try so hard to get close to people and basically no ones ever responsive, and literally no one gives more than baseline politeness. i expend so much energy trying and nothing comes of it. all i get is hurt because people dont care about me at all. it hurts so much to try and get nothing and rejection in return. + +I'm genuinely wondering if there's really any point in me continuing to try when nothing works out and i just end up in so much pain. i want to just give up and isolate, to save energy and prevent this fucking god awful pain i keep feeling over and over again every time something social comes up + +i understand part of this hopeless feeling is my unrelenting depression but ive quite literally never been able to develop true close relationships outside fucking elementary school and im 21 now",Personality disorder +51812,"just turned to my coworker and talked one day i've always been in awe of people who can just start talking. every time i think 'i could say this!' it's immediately dogpiled with other thoughts. the self hating ones. i don't have it in me to list them right now, but if you're reading this, unfortunately you probably know what i mean. + +anyway. i was heading out for my break on saturday, and i got my marlboros out of my locker. (smoking is bad, i know). i bought them off a friend of a friend who stocked up on her trip to italy. so i turned to my coworker (notoriously one of if not the most outgoing in our little crew), and said ""hey, check these out."" and i showed him the picture of the blackened lung on the carton, and we kind of joked about how fucked up it is that those kinds of health warnings are the norm in other countries, but not here (USA). + + i don't really know what was different this time. it must have been a beneficial glitch, because i haven't shown that degree of spontaneity since, especially not while 100% sober. + +it was nothing. and the self hating thoughts came right after. but once those settled a bit, it was nice. + +thanks so much for reading, i just wanted to ramble as always.",Personality disorder +51813,"one interaction ruins the whole day If I interact with 5 people a day, 4 turn out to be ok, and the other 1 will destroy my whole mood. is it not better not to interact with all 5?",Personality disorder +51814,"Can denying my sexuality be a cause of AVPD? So few years back i got AVPD diagnosis. I am now trying to get out of this rut and fix things. Thing is: i have avoided everything all my life, even my feelings. So its hard. + +One thing i am thinking of past few days is that when i knew i was gay at 13 years old, i avoided thinking about it and refusing to accept my sexuality. I only came out once i was 19. So 6 years i was 'locked' in avoiding being who i am. I am in my 30s now and after a bad breakup been trying to figure my life out. + +Is it possible that being ' in the closet' for more then 6 years contribute in developing AVPD? As i notice i still dont accept my sexuality 100% and still think what people might think of it and reject me because of my sexuality. Thats what i did when i first figured out i was gay, thinking that my then friends would bully or reject me... + +Any other gay people here who can relate?",Personality disorder +51815,"I just need to vent about my partner. I think my partner has bpd maybe AvPD + + +Hi everyone. I have no idea how to start this. I’m honestly not even sure if bpd or AvPD is correct I’m just grasping at straws at this point. My (27f) boyfriend (28m)’s brother has been diagnosed with bpd. Which is why this is my first step. And while I’m obviously not looking for someone to diagnose him like this, I’m just lost. And need someone to listen. + +I am massively struggling in my relationship and I just need someone to listen. Even if this goes nowhere. My boyfriend asks for a lot of things for himself but is very hypocritical if I were to ask the same in return. (We just had a long talk so my brain is sort of foggy on details and I can’t quite think of an example of that at the moment) he does ask for things in one moment and when I do them or stick to it, he tells me it’s wrong. Example, he has wanted to get a photo ID for a while. We have two options, drivers licence or a photo card. About a month or probably two ago, he said he needed photo ID for a test at work he’d been putting off. Then he said not long ago that we don’t motivate each other to do the things we need to. I know he has anxiety planning things and doesn’t want to so for our anniversary I said “pick which ID you want, I’ll drive you there, pay for it, and it’ll be done. I’ll put all the planning into it. All good” and he loved that idea. The day we were supposed to go, he was angry about something and it caused an argument. So we didn’t go. Which got pushed off to the next week and the week after. To today. Each week he said “I’ll do it next week on my day off” so I asked and he pushed it again. Today we spoke about it and while he’s not good at planning, I was waiting around to find out if we were going or not, as I wanted to plan when I was done work and went to get gas and groceries. When it was about 2 hours before we had to leave if we were going for him to take the drivers test, I told him that I didn’t care if we went but if he wanted to study more, now was the time. He told me tonight that he only did it so ID shut up about it and when I said “you told me you wanted more motivation so I gave it to you” he just said “fair”. But we always have those moments where he says he wants something and I change to do it but then he gets pissy about it. If I try and talk to him about my needs or what I’m wanting more of or how I’m hurt by something, he tells me that he just wants to be left alone and that he never asked me for anything. Or he’ll just give me all the things about himself that suck or how he feels and completely disregards what I was even talking about. If we have an argument for 1 full hour let’s say. There will be lulls in the argument. Maybe every 15 minutes. Maybe start, half hour mark, and then end. It always changes but the lull is when he sits, listens, and answers me with respect. The other times it’s that I have said even one word to set him off and he’s miserable. And angry and not nice. I’m finding myself constantly working around his moods. Sort of judging if now is a good time to even show him a TikTok or something I find interesting. If he agrees with what I’m showing him, all is good. If he doesn’t, he gets angry. Says he’s confused and basically shuts down. Tells me he thinks that’s dumb or “why would someone even do that. They’re not part of my life. Why do I even need to listen to that”. If I’m talking about my work or just complaining, he’ll tell me why he doesn’t want to hear it. That it’s not part of his world so it doesn’t matter. I’ve asked him certain things to stop or change and whenever I do he’ll tell me something he needs in return. He can’t just take blame for things. Sometimes he can. But normally can’t. I definitely do not help the situation because I am at his every beck and call and he’s at none of mine. If he asks to be left alone, and I walk to another room, he says he feels guilty that I’m going away. And that he’ll just sit and stew and feel bad and then he doesn’t get his way anyway. + +He wants to be left alone a lot. Can’t ever take anything I say and listen. Always has to tell me why whatever I’m going through is something he’d love to have or how his life is worse. Example; we moved for his work. Away from my family and friends and my best friend dropped me. While she was being shitty all the time, she was the last person I had to talk to. And if I’m sad about it, he tells me that’s his dream for people to leave him alone and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset. + +If something small happens, he wildly blows it out of proportion. Especially if it’s something he doesn’t understand. I have to be careful with how I joke with him because he will take everything to heart but has zero problem disrespecting me or poking fun at me for something. If we go out at all, he doesn’t want to be there and will usually get extremely high or drunk to avoid socializing because it makes him anxious. + +I’m just not sure if this is like anything anyone has dealt with and I’m looking for advice or help or just something. Thank you for reading this long novel. I really appreciate you all.",Personality disorder +51816,"I don’t know if I actually have AvPD Last few months I was struggeling with lots of depression. So I started looking on internet and I found lots of mental illnesses and I really felt like this one is really matching my symptoms. + +Now when I somehow improved my depression I see myself differently and I feel differently. I had depression my whole life without even realizing it, for me having depression was a normal state sme I had no idea that there is a non-depression state. + +But now when my depression improved I see that some of AvPD symptoms starting disappearing and I feel better. + +But at this point I am just not sure, I might have it and depression was making it worse. And I might now have it and it was “just” depression all the time.",Personality disorder +51817,"Mentally Exhausted I have been very mentally exhausted. + +I don’t mind working long hours at my job, it’s just at my job there’s a lot of people around (since it’s a large store connected to a bunch of departments.) A few months since I graduated high school I’ve been working. But I can’t seem to really talk to people. I have a tendency to avoid the groups, sometimes I can’t even open my mouth. + +It’s even worse when I think about how much I suck, and how awful I look. I feel like an inconvenience and a burden, because plainly I am pretty stupid. Even though at the beginning of my job I was putting on a smile and a happy voice to convince myself it was okay, I can’t even get myself to smile or look people in the eyes unless I have to. I am so exhausted. + +I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am depressed, both mentally and physically tired. I really have no plans for my future.",Personality disorder +51818,"Feeling like I don't do enough I'm not sure if this is due to the disorder or not, if it's imposter syndrome, if it's from old Christian mantras of ""put others before yourself"" being baked into my psyche since childhood, or if it's a combination of all three; but I often feel like I don't do enough for other people in my life. Whether it's with other family members, close friends, or co-workers, I often get this sense. + +I work from home. And I've done a lot on our current project over the course of this past year. But now that we're sitting near the finish line, almost ready to go-live with not much else to do other than wait for the cutover, I can't help but feel some kind of guilt like I'm not doing enough. Even though I helped our team make a ton of progress in the past few months. + +With friends or family it often comes in the form of ""should I be there?"" or ""I know I be there, be present, but I really don't want to"" and then I just feel like a POS terrible friend/sibling/son/etc. for not doing it. For example, a relative of mine had a gender reveal party a few weeks ago. Naturally, I didn't go. I'm not particularly close with this family member and haven't been for years. Nonetheless I still felt like an asshole for skipping. Especially later when I talked to my dad and asked how it went; I asked ""who was there?"" and he said ""Just about everyone. Except for you"". I don't think he intended to make me feel guilty, but it kind of did. My mom corrected him later and pointed out a few other family members that didn't make it, but nonetheless I felt like I didn't do enough. Even though, again, this relative having the child and I don't really talk or show interest in one another's lives anymore. + +Another example is a friend, a close friend, who really does their best to help me get out of the house and do things. They'll invite me to things at bars or restaurants, and 9 times out of 10 I don't go. Part of me appreciates the hell out of that, because I need it, and it's nice to be included/wanted. Another part of me wishes they'd leave me alone; because I don't think I'm interesting enough or worthy enough to hang out with. Then I start feeling a whirlwind of guilt and shame for bailing out of the request. + +Wondering if all these feelings of guilt or shame are part of the disorder, or if it's something else. Anyone else experience this?",Personality disorder +51819,"I can’t look at Reddit anymore There’s always someone being rejected, and when they show hatred for them, I feel hated as well.",Personality disorder +51820,"Devastated after finding out my little sister has a secret boyfriend Not sure if this belongs here, but I'm so upset about this that I haven't slept all night. +My sister is my only friend. I feel like she understands me more than anyone else. I'm completely relaxed and comfortable around her; I can just be myself without overthinking what I look like and how I come across. She's basically the only person who is able to make me laugh. I've always been open with her about my thoughts, interests and even my mental health struggles. +I know it's not healthy to expect one person to be my entire social life, but I literally don't have anyone else I can talk to about anything. +Yesterday I found out that she's been lying to me by saying she's meeting up with friends from school and sleeping over at her bff's apartment, when in fact she has a rich foreigner boyfriend and she's been staying over at his place. He's also been driving her on trips to nearby cities. +I knew this day would come; my little sister had to grow up someday and get a boyfriend, but I wasn't prepared to feel so alone, abandoned and betrayed. +She never mentioned that guy to me and my father; I'm disappointed that I had to find out about him from my mother. +I still haven't talked to her since I found out about her relationship, but I can't fathom why she would hide it from me when I've always told her everything. +Of course I want her to be happy, but now all I'm left to do is wait for her to get married, move to a different country and forget about me, leaving me to rot and die miserable and alone.",Personality disorder +51821,"Does AvPD have another name in your language? In English there's both avoidant and anxious, whereas in German there's ängstlich-vermeidende (anxious-avoidant) and selbstunsichere (self insecure). The latter got me wondering if there are other names for it across the world.",Personality disorder +51822,"Did not even want to say hi to me I have an online friend and they really wanted me to meet their friend. I was hesitant but they told me that they’re nice so I joined their little discord server (literally had like 5 people total with me) with the intentions of maybe sending a message or two and never again. But their friend didn’t even want to say hi to me. Like my friend told him to say hi and he literally just said “no” . This happened a few days ago and I’m like really upset about it. He barely even knows anything about me. + +I talked to my friend today and they said that they think he is just jealous that i’m sort of close with them. But I’m still really really hurt and upset about. I feel like I’m not even deserving of being acknowledged or spoken to.",Personality disorder +51823,,Personality disorder +51824,"The bar is so low, I can't even begin to describe it. All I know how to do is play video games, watch youtube and repeat the same things like a dumb monkey. + +The past 2 weeks, I tried taking a course in computer science and I tried starting to learn Japanese. And all I can do is watch and wait for something to click in my brain. + +There's nothing in me. No creativity, no self-sufficiency, no capacity for independent thought. + +I don't understand how I've made it this far. + +I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.",Personality disorder +51825,,Personality disorder +51826,,Personality disorder +51827,"Hopelessness/Too lateness Is there a point where one can consider it too late to do anything? Too late to try; too late to get treatment; too late for anything and everything? Too old? Or if someone is ""too badly off?"" I've seen some people around Reddit and the net refer to failed lives. I've recently made posts and tried to look around Reddit for people in a similar situation as mine and there seems to be *nobody*. And the only conclusion I can draw is that my circumstances are too uniquely screwed up. And AvPD along with other issues all intersecting have led to a completely failed life and me as a broken mess. Growing up (or developing) AvPD in a family full of NPD didn't help. + +Most subs seem to skew younger, which has me think that everybody either resolved their issues as they grew up or are no longer alive. How has anybody dealt with utter despair and hopelessness? Feeling too old and that it's too late to change anything satisfactorily? Does anyone have other issues/diagnoses that mix with AvPD to just make things impossible?",Personality disorder +51828,"Quality over quantity - Friendships I know people with AvPD struggle to maintain friendships and I do too. + +For me, I think it's the daily (or at least frequent) messaging to stay in touch that I struggle with. I will get tired and ignore messages just because I don't have the capacity to engage with a subject that I frankly probably don't care much about or I'm just worn out by the constant interaction. The messaging for the sake of messaging gets to me. + +if it's a friend that lived far away then I'd rather not speak for 6 months and then just meet up and have a good time before reverting back to usual which for me is far less exhausting and fortunately I do have a couple that are like that. + +Anyone relate?",Personality disorder +51829,,Personality disorder +51830,"Longtime lurker with AvPD just wanting to vent about the fantasy of disappearing and starting a different life Using my alt throwaway because reasons. Recently I’ve been having a hard time, and although I have deeply caring and wonderful people in my life, I still isolate and as much as I crave time with others I get tired so easily after a short while. Also grew up with cluster B parents and family which doomed me to some kind of mental problems. + +Lately I’ve begun to think about the idea of just leaving. Disappearing, no trace. Not suicide. I’m not suicidal at all, I mean leaving, going somewhere I’m not known, changing all my details, and completely starting over. I can’t help but feel it would make no difference to anyone, in fact it might even be better. + +I’ve googled step by step ‘how to’s ’ on it. + +I’m hoping to be able to talk to others who have been in this dark of a place and what got you through - or any advice. + +Because this is mostly just a fantasy, but the idea is sticking in my head more than I’d like it to. I don’t actually want to go through with it. I think … + +*Edit for clarity, what got you through the mental state if you’ve felt this way, not advice on disappearing. Oops!😳",Personality disorder +51831,"I have a new therapist! I got a new therapist today. I am nervous. She called and she sounds nice. I have had horrible experiences in the past, but I decided that I can no longer be stuck. I need to move forward but I need help knowing how and maybe this will be helpful. I am going to try. + +""You gotta get up and try, try, try""",Personality disorder +51832,"I came off as an asshole today and I’m struggling with it I went to the mall to buy some fragrances and I came off as a massive asshole to the cashiers. There was originally only one girl that was attending the area I went to, so I thought I would be fine. Wrong. She seemed like she was new and when I asked her for the fragrance I wanted she seemed confused and said she was going to get someone to help me. She came back with two women, and they’re all staring at me while I say what I want. Then one of the women she brought back started asking me questions, I wasn’t prepared for this and I sort of shut down. She asked me what I was currently wearing and I lied and said I didn’t wear anything currently, then she asked me if I would wear something sweeter than the fragrance I had picked out and I just shook my head and looked at some other bottles of perfume. I acted mostly dismissive towards the three women because I was so uncomfortable and just wanted the situation to end. I wanted to get out of the situation as fast as possible so I grabbed a different fragrance that I was familiar with and told them I would just buy that. + +I had tried to prepare myself beforehand to speak to one person, because the last time I went there was only one person I had to talk to. Talking to three people made me so uncomfortable and I acted like a dismissive asshole. I thought it would be really easy for me since I already knew what I wanted and I assumed I could just tell the lady the name of what I wanted and she would tell me whether they had it or not. I also feel really bad for the new girl because I could tell she didn’t really know what she was doing and I just made it worse for her. And the lady that was asking me questions seemed very nice and I feel bad for acting the way I did. Now that I think about it, the second lady was probably trying to set an example to the new girl and I ruined it for her. + +I had avoided buying fragrances online in fear that the bottles would break in the mail but I will probably only buy them online from now on. + +This experience made me realize that I also act cold and asshole-ish to everyone that’s not the people I live with, or my mom. But that’s also the only way I can speak to people, so I’m kind of stuck between don’t socialize at all or act cold to everyone.",Personality disorder +51833,"what avoidance feels like to me i'm not diagnosed but i always thought there was something deeply wrong with me. i've never kept a friend longer than a couple years. i'm in my second year of college and i have been at zero since covid happened. i've transferred schools so new place and new people and i'm more isolated than before. + +it feels like i'm not human because i'm unable to do the human thing and communicate. like i'm watching and observing but as an alien or a void or something that looks human but if you look to closely its all distorted. or robotic even. someone's failed attempt at a human being. + +all i do is lay in bed and ruminate over every bad interaction with past friends and family or think about how my roommates or classmates perceive me. fake conversations justifying my actions to absolutely no one. it feels like i'm going insane. i thought it was just social anxiety but i don't get panic attacks. and my reluctance and inability feels wired directly into my veins, every fiber of my being and it feels like it can't be undone. like my entire identity is wrapped up in being alone. and that's all i'll ever be.",Personality disorder +51834,"as to not be a burden, i will now isolate myself. you are welcome! recently I've been distancing from my friend because I needed some space. but after a while, I noticed they seem... happier without me. like, actually laughing and smiling more, they even started talking to a very cool person. and they even talk to other ppl in the group more often. so now I'm kinda isolating myself because well... i just want them to be happy. if being absent from their life is what will make them happier, ill do that. seems like I'm just a toxic person that drains everyone around them.",Personality disorder +51835,Internet addiction Anyone addicted to the internet like more then the rest of the world? Do you use it as coping mechanism?,Personality disorder +51836,,Personality disorder +51837,"How to cope with shame Hello, + +I guess we all share this feeling of shame following us all around. I can't remember much of my life but I can remember almost every time I've felt shame. And I did it a lot of times. So much that even moments of my life that I had been SA are flashing in my mind all day. But other memories are just plain shame, shame of what I did in a specific moment, shame of how I reacted, what I've said, shame on how I was dressed, the way my face looked. What I recognise is that these are stupid reasons to feel shame, and I think anyone neurotypical wouldn't even think is such a big thing. I even felt shame and guilt of breaking things (because anything material has more value than me) . I legit had a panic attack once after dropping a water glass, I wanted to hold the broken glass and squeeze it with my hands until I made them disappear... I can remember most of the times I broke things. + +&#x200B; + +How do you cope with these feelings coming to your mind in your daily life? When I remember one time, I start remembering the others, they are connected and so they come all together to me and make me feel that I will never delete those moments from existence, that they already happened, that there is no way I could live with those things that happened. I feel shame from myself all the time, but when those memories come to me I want to snap out of existence. I don't know how to deal with that. Thank you.",Personality disorder +51838,"its becoming impossible to keep avoiding my life without real consequences well, real consequences already happened, and i avoided facing the feelings that wouldve prevented them from happening + + +but now my parents are threatening putting me in a halfway home or making me live with them again, them saying they would sell the house, which utterly terrifies me + + +but in the face of how my life has gone, suicide is also a considerable option, tho not one i can follow through on (but its becoming easier to every day) + + +its amazing how the economy and life can utterly ruin people, isnt it + + +why is it so hard for me to speak in my own voice (oh right, the trauma) + + +its really hard to drag them out of it as their minds resemble mine far too much and mine resembles theirs far too much + + +the pain of having to get a job while also not even being able to be myself in real life is really depressing, i feel like just another person with unfulfilled dreams forced to grow up and accept reality",Personality disorder +51839,"Is there anyone else here who checks off all of the boxes for AvPD but can’t ever get officially diagnosed with it because your case just isn’t bad enough? I’m fairly certain I have avpd and have had so for the majority of my life. Like I have almost all of the symptoms down the the horrible childhood trauma that I experienced that started my downfall. Avpd is the only condition that I’ve been able to match up to down to a tee. I’ve went to therapy and discussed my issues, but it doesn’t seem like avpd is something I can ever officially get diagnosed with. + +While I’m fairly certain I have avpd, my case is more mild because it doesn’t completely shut down my life. I would consider myself with high functioning avpd. Since I was young, I’ve always been lonely and had to figure out life out on my own since I didn’t have my parents or a loving family to grow up with. As a result, out of necessity I had to be financially independent and look after myself. Working and going to college was a never an issue for me. Because of that I’ve been able to give myself a good career and more or less have an ok life. My avpd is most severe in my personal daily life away from work. It’s a daily struggle for me. I also match all of the social symptoms of avpd and live a life of loneliness because I can’t get myself out to meet people regularly. Can anyone else relate?",Personality disorder +51840,"AvPD, can be avoiding woman only? I wonder if avoiding woman can be AvPD? I have avoided woman almost my whole life, at some point in high school I liked a girl I talked to a bit. But never full got to know her because of paranoia, of not having a car or being able to provide for her in any way. It’s probably the only time I spoke with a girl. Mainly because I was invested in wanting to be with he, but was to afraid to be with her in a relationship. + +If AvPD is not only avoiding woman for my instance then I don’t understand AvPD.",Personality disorder +51841,"I haven't been diagnosed yet I haven't been diagnosed with AvPD but I think I may have this disorder. I was always an anxious child then in my teens I started taking panic attacks before any social situation but mainly before going to school, so I stopped going to school I just avoided it. I'm now nearly 30 and I've never held down a job for more than a couple of weeks and have dropped out of a few college courses due to having bad attendance. I feel like I now avoid anything that causes me the tiniest bit of stress by not leaving my house, sleeping and not letting anyone know about it. I then get really depressed and disappointed in my self. It just feels like an endless cycle of me not showing and getting down about. + +I'm just wondering how AvPD affects others and if there is anyone from the UK suffering from AvPD +Thanks",Personality disorder +51842,"How to deal with rejection when you have avpd? I feel like I'm dying, like there's a hole in my chest and thoughts make me feel like I'm falling in. I'm also having very negative thoughts, I'm realising I'm angry at myself for being vulnerable enough for this to happen to me. Please help if you've been through this...I see no hope. P.s I mean rejected after asking a girl out I've been talking to for months.",Personality disorder +51843,"I despise my mom ( 22m ) Pretty much the title - I just can't stand her, I never liked her ever since I was a little kid but for me that hate went much higher beyond it. + + +Just to clarify, I don't think she is the abusive type - more like the overcontrolling and overbearing type of mom - the type that when you make a mistake or fail to do as she asks ( even if it's just the order of the way I put things in their place ) she will scold and do it herself - even if those are MY things ( she isn't satisfied with the way I put my clothes in my wardrobe or when I don't do it immediately) and barely have any respect to my privacy - In the past she wouldn't even let me close my own door so my room was always open, even this days she complain when I don't leave a gap ( but on that case I don't give a fuck anymore and barely leaves any - not a door you can close easily ) and she would always complain about im not normal or like 'the other kids/people' because I don't act or do things they do, and I cant forget her 'what you gonna do with your life, play on the computer all day? ' speech which she does when she remembers she needs to get mad or moody for no reason. + +Im afraid of embarrassing myself in public, im afraid of even doing some of the basic stuff because I don't think I can do it or I'll make a clown out of myself - and it always comes back to how I was never really taught how to control my own life and be independent - even in the few times she did taught me anything she would still eventually take control and it doesn't make me motivated to even try. one of the reasons I eat in my room is because I just don't want to be around her because I will always get criticized for something - my beard ( which no one taught me how to do it, and my dad lives abroad ) , my ears, my hair, my clothes - everything. She always tries to pick things for me to wear and while today i do wear whatever I want regardless of her opinion/picks I still remember that when I was younger she would be upset and mad if I didn't wear what she wanted me to wear ( and she still kinda give the bitch look but as I said - I still wear what I wear ) and the judgement doesn't stop at that. Her favorite habit is that on events and gatherings she would always whisper in my ear what's wrong me in the moment - could be anything from noticing something dirty or not to her eyes that no gives a fuck about, the way I behave ( WhY YoU ARe NoT SmiLing ) and all other type of shit to make me lose confidence or be overly aware of my problems. She would always try to buy me stuff I don't want or asked to get and would always expect me to thank her even if sometimes she was the one that was pressuring me to get something. + +When I think about all of this ( and other stuff ) I understand why im so incompetent, afraid of making mistakes or embarrassing myself and stuck in that avoident and depressive mind set. It's not all her - there are things I probably could've done myself ( and still can do ) and even without her the competitive and soulless society most of us are part of just adds a lot to the way we end up - and still - she has a part in why my life fucking sucks - and now I need to find a way to get back on track somehow. + +Also, today I pretty much snapped at her in an unrelated case which eventually also happened because of all those feelings I stored inside. I don't talk to her and tbh it's such a good feeling. + +P.S : if there was another post made by me that's titled the same blame my stupid phone for this XD. Im also sorry for possible grammar mistakes - don't mind someone fixin them.",Personality disorder +51844,"I don't know what to do anymore I'm so tired. I'm so bored. i don't do anything. I am not capable of doing anything. Everytime I try, i fail. I mess up. I cannot do anything. I cannot do anything right. I want to disappear. I cannot stand this.",Personality disorder +51845,"Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls Why do I want to be famous?Someone dm me pls +This is a throwaway account. People on social media always say I’m trying to get attention but wtf is wrong with that? I don’t know for sure if I have avpd but I think I do I can’t pay for therapy I live with my mom and I hate her I’m 18 can’t drive alone I always get in crashes or get a ticket sometimes I speed because I’m mad at my uncle. I have a job but I dropped out of school because I don’t care and I have so much trauma from everything in my childhood. And anyway nothing matters now except being famous that’s all I want I just have no idea why in real life I avoid people but online I have a girlfriend and I’m obsessed with her it scares me sometimes because I can’t stop thinking about her and if she broke up with me I don’t think I could take it I’ve only met her once in real life but it doesn’t matter I talk to her all the time but the most important thing is that she talks to me and she’s obsessed with me so I need her. I think I deserve to be famous more than anyone else because I’ve been through so much and also I feel like I’m better than most people something about me is different and I’m special . Can someone dm me to talk more about this? I need to know why I want to be famous and how can I get famous? Also is it possible to have avpd and want to be famous?",Personality disorder +51846,"Societal Standards Not sure if this is just me but the more I self reflect the more i realize that im unhealthily antisocial but ok with that until i feel societal pressure to be different. Ive always been a loner and i can be like that ALL the time but the only time i feel shameful of that is when im around other people who aren’t like that and find it weird. It’s almost like one part of me desires companionship and being more friendly because that’s what you need for a “happy life” (apparently) but putting myself out there never satisfies me. Having friends just stresses me out and makes me deeply insecure there’s literally no satisfaction I get from it. I guess I’m deeply unhealthy but I love to isolate and can’t relate to others and feel insecure about it, like I wish I could be in the standard of what’s normal but I’m also really addicted to unhealthy habits. Do I sound crazy 😭 it’s hard to put into words how I feel but it’s like I’m so closed off and avoidant around people and get stressed about societal pressures but am ok with my unhealthy isolation until I realize other people don’t live their lives like that. I don’t want to miss out but find it hard to change. I guess my behavior isn’t normal but trying to fit in just makes my anxiety so bad. Hopefully somebody understands what I mean. 😭 I think this is just how it is when your mentality ill for a long period of time.",Personality disorder +51847,"Anhedonia Do you have anhedonia / lack of strong emotions? + +[View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/11px78z)",Personality disorder +51848,"Conversations Anybody else feel like they don’t have the natural ability to have good conversations? + +Whenever I’m having a conversation with strangers, I’m often pretty quiet and I don’t know what to say (unless it’s work related or something I’m really familiar with). I think this is normal with society anxiety though + +But whenever I have conversations with a group of people I’m comfortable with, like my family, I feel like I suck at having conversations. If it’s about a topic I don’t care about, I always zone out or stare at out the window. If it’s about a topic I’m interested in, it’s so hard to wait my turn to talk. I feel so impatient to wait my turn (I can wait but it stresses me out and it’s hard to jump in sometimes). It feels like I’m going to forget what I was going to say or they’ll change the topic before I can talk. And then when I talk, I feel like people don’t really care about what I have to say. My family always talks over me or focus on what the person said before me. They never remember what I say either in the future compared to what my siblings say. It feels like a chore to have conversations, sometimes it’s just easier to stay quiet and fade into the background. + +Anybody relate",Personality disorder +51849,Could you change and get better through lots of effort ? If I made the effort to challenge myself everyday could I eventually change and maybe even get rid of my AvPD ? So tired of living like this and I’m still young so hopefully it’s possible…,Personality disorder +51850,,Personality disorder +51851,"How to not hurt peoples feelings I think I’m doing better at socializing than before but after a big socialization day I get so worn out from all the effort it takes that I need a recovery day where I literally don’t interact with anyone or else I start shutting down. + +However society does not work on my schedule and so obviously I can’t always have a recovery. When I’m socially overwhelmed I tend to give short answers and seem super aloof, disinterested, monotone etc. sometimes people take this personally even though it has nothing to do with them, I’m just worn out. + +Usually with strangers it doesn’t matter that much because I’ll never meet them again, but with my friends or partner it can be hard. They obviously care about me and start asking, “are you mad at me? Am I annoying? Etc.” and that kind of stuff is really irritating because it requires some level of delicacy by saying “you as a person are not annoying, but I’m just really irritated right now for reasons other than you, and you are exacerbating it. But it is not your fault and there’s no reason you would’ve known this” Like I wish I could just say that but literally nothing comes out of my mouth. I can’t manage anything other than a tiny whimper of a “no…” because I at least want to preserve their feelings. + +My partner especially gets insecure and frequently asks me “are you mad at me, do you hate me, am I annoying” somewhat in jest but also to an extent it’s a reflection of real insecurities I know she has told me about. I can’t handle navigating those questions when I’m socially overstimulated but I don’t want to make her insecure worse either. I know a relationship is a two way street but I always feel like a burden for my emotions and needs :-( + +Any advice?",Personality disorder +51852,"Do you have goals? I realised that I never really had (or was aware) of life goals or dreams I had. I think this is why I don't really feel like a person and so different from others. And why I never let anyone get close to me, otherwise they would realise how different I am and distance themselves. + +Do you have dreams and goals? Have you ever had them, maybe as kids?",Personality disorder +51853,"I feel like I’ve missed out on my teenage years It’s so depressing to think people have spent all these years going out with their friends and partying whilst I was just on my own in my room. I’ve always had barely any friends and never been in a relationship or had a paid job, I only managed to start doing a few hours a week voluntary work a few months ago. I watch the people around me do exciting things and make new friends and get partners whilst I’m just here bored, alone and depressed as usual. It doesn’t help that later this year I’ll move away from this town for university and I’ll probably never see most of the people I’ve spent years wanting to be friends or more with but been too scared to talk to again. It feels like this phase of my life is really slipping through my fingers and I have no time to repair it. I try to tell myself at least I have the future where I could become better and make the next phases of my life better than this one but in reality I know that I’ve just been declining for years so I doubt that very much.",Personality disorder +51854,"did a bunch of dxm yesterday and I realized that the reason I'm like this is that I've viewed other people as threats my whole life. Ever since I was little I've implicitly assumed that other people want to hurt me until and unless I have incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. I have no idea why I'm like this. It sounds like something someone who was abused would write, but I wasn't. My parents were nice and caring. I just came out wrong somehow lmao. I had nothing to be afraid of and yet I was terrified of everything :(",Personality disorder +51855,"Set your intention Happy Sunday /r/Anxiety! + +It's everyone's favorite day of the week... Sunday, the last 24 hours before Monday rears its head again. Let this thread be a space to set your intentions, share your goals and concerns, or just check in, about the week ahead.",Anxiety +51856,"Monthly Check-In Thread Hello everyone! Welcome to the r/Anxiety monthly check-in thread. We want this to serve as casual community chat for anyone who wants to get or stay involved without having to make a full post. Plus you can use this as an easy way to give us feedback on what you like and don't like about the subreddit. + +Our mod team also maintains an official mental health Discord server for people who prefer realtime community, venting, peer support and off topic chat. We hope to see you there! Join link: [https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9](https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9) + +# Checking In + +Let us know what's on your mind! This includes (but is not limited to) any significant life changes/events that have happened recently; an improvement or decrease in your mental health; any upcoming plans that you're looking forward to (or dreading); issues you're dealing with in your own local or extended community; general sources of stress or frustration in your daily life; words of advice or comfort you want to share with everyone; questions/comments/concerns you want to share with the moderators and community regarding the subreddit. + +Thanks and stay safe, + +The r/Anxiety Mod Team",Anxiety +51857,"Just bought magnesium glycinate… does it really work like people say it does? So as the title suggests, I bought some magnesium glycinate 400mg per serving. After reading a bunch of posts saying it works wonders with anxiety and sleep, I thought I’d have to give it a try. I want to hear some of your experiences. Did it work? Negative effects? Or is it just the “placebo effect”? Thank you! Gonna take it tonight!",Anxiety +51858,"Does anyone else hold off reading their messages as long as possible? Do you guys do this too? I understand that its common courtesy to reply to others quickly and instantly, but it's like whenever I get a message, I get... Idk. Scared? Anxious? Nervous to read it? I always feel like skfkglglkgkv + +I mean, god knows what the message could be like. And it's not like I don't reply to people at all. Though sometimes I do feel like I'd rather not look at my messages at all forever. Still, I end up mustering the courage to take a peek and reply, but sometimes I do that hours later.",Anxiety +51859,Can you pass anxiety down to your children? I want children when I'm older but I'm scared I'll pass my anxiety on to them. And that makes me feel guilty. Will I pass it down to children?,Anxiety +51860,Daily reminder. This is just a reminder that Caffeine in any form exacerbates anxiety for most people!! Whether it be from Sodas or coffee and teas. I have to repeat this cycle time and time again. When will I learn seriously.,Anxiety +51861,"I live with two people in my family who have schizophrenia and there was a butcher knife placed on a picture of me i’m a 19 year old cc student and i live with my grandma, mom, uncle, aunt, and little sister. + +my mom has a meth addiction and she’s developed schizophrenia from it and it’s been getting worse as the years go on. my uncle was hit on the head at a young age and im not exactly sure what he struggles since we never talk but i think it’s schizophrenia. my mom doesn’t take her meds i think and my grandma is constantly trying to help her with moving in and out of motels and rehabs and all this stuff for the past 8 months or so (realistically she’s been trying to help her for many many years now but my mom had moved out) recently my mom moved back in like a week ago. my uncle is very strange and i don’t know really anything about him. he leaves his room a few times a day and doesn’t talk to anyone, sometimes i hear him talk to himself in his room, but he doesn’t yell and scream like my mom does, he’s just very quiet and intense. + +so earlier tonight i was using my grandmas phone for school since mine was dead, and i got curious to look in her messages between my mom because i’ve seen messages between them before where my mom is talking about how she hears voices talking about someone wanting to kill me and how she’s constantly was thinking about me and she doesn’t think i’m safe. so i looked and my aunt (she’s mentally well) sent my grandma a picture where she found a big butcher knife placed on top of a picture of me. + +the message said “*uncles name* is acting strange again. i asked *moms name* if she did this and she said she didn’t. does *uncles name* know what it means to stab someone? that they will die?” in the photo my aunt sent my grandma, the picture of me was in like a mouse pad that was custom made with a photo of me from 4th grade. the thing is i’m not sure if it’s a coincidence because the mouse pad is on a desk for like where a computer used to be but the desk in like directly connected to the kitchen like almost next to it, so it could be possible that someone had happened to place that knife there so i didn’t really freak out. but i talked to some friends and when i kinda said it out loud to them i did kinda realize like damn that does kinda sound bad and they told me that yea it’s probably not safe. + +i don’t know if it was my uncle or mom either though, if it even was intentional. my uncle used to come home and hit me in the head as a kid a lot, and we would yell and scream at each other (we lived together for like 6 years and this would happen, then we moved, then we moved again and he moved back in with us) but ever since we moved back in again we literally do not talk to each other at all. he’s very awkward around me and everyone tbh and quiet, and i can tell he doesn’t like to be in the same room as me even though i do not interact with him at all whatsoever. we’ve said hey to each other like less than 10 times over the years and that’s about it. he does kinda seem like he hates me but i don’t think he would want to kill me. on the other hand it’s possible that my mom was lying to my aunt, but from what i’ve seen i don’t think my mom wants to kill me either. whenever she has talked about me in that way it’s more of a “this is my son i need to protect him from whoever gonna kill him” type of way rather than a malicious tone. but again, they are both schizophrenic which i really don’t know much about besides they can be unpredictable and so that’s why i’m asking. + +i know it’s weird to ask about this on reddit but i really don’t have anyone to talk to about it. i’m not going to directly confront my uncle about it because again we are very distant and he’s a big guy i just don’t want to i feel like it’d be worse, and i don’t want to ask my mom because i know she would say no even if she did. i’m going to ask my grandma tomorrow since i haven’t been able to since she’s been asleep all night, but she’s just going to ignore me after i express my concerns, which she always does. i can talk to my aunt about it even though we’re not really too close but yeah. + +another thing is my grandma sent the photo my aunt sent her to my uncle asking if he did it and he kind of just ignored it, didn’t deny it so. but yea i cant really move out or anything, i don’t have the money for that since i just graduated high school and honestly i don’t have a job right now since i’m a full time student and i just don’t know where i would go. i don’t have any friends that would let me live with them either so that’s out of the picture . the best thing i’m hoping for is the convince my grandma to have them move out but that’ll probably never happen even though i want it to so bad. i just don’t know if this is a coincidence with the knife and i shouldn’t be worried or what i should do so yea pls help",Anxiety +51862,"I feel like I’m dead When I look at my reflection I don’t see a person anymore, I just see a corpse. I can’t even afford food and I look like a skeleton. It’s like I’m just convincing everyone that I’m a person like them, but I don’t fee like one. I have images pop up in my head of me shooting myself and lying dead on the floor (even though I wouldn’t actually kill myself). I don’t know what to do",Anxiety +51863,"How long does food poisoning take to kick in? I’m emetophobic and I ate at a restaurant last night. I’m pretty worried of getting food poisoning. The restaurant wasn’t sketchy but this is how I always am when I eat out at restaurants. Anyways, how long does it take for food poisoning to kick in? I’m about 10 hours post eating at the restaurant",Anxiety +51864,"Anyone here also feels like they'll be Lonely Forever because of Social Anxiety? I think ever since I was bullied in school I always was afraid of people. I missed so many opportunities in my life because no matter how many self help books I was reading, I was just not able to overcome my anxiety. And even if I managed to be ""normal"" around people I still felt lonely. Because I felt like an alien, like I was different to everyone else. + +❌ A normal relationship with a woman who accepts me for who I am? --> **Not available since I finished school!** + +❌ Friends with whom I can share my hopes and dreams and who I feel deeply connected with? --> **Not for me!** + +❌ Just interact with people without feeling completely nervous and socially awkward? --> **Impossible!** + +With 22 I knew that either I have to change something or it will stay like this forever! + +It was a wild journey ever since and despite a lot of set backs, rejections, insecurities and the feeling that I am too unlovable for anyone I can say that **I** **overcame my social anxiety.** + +I don't want to brag with this post, the only thing I want is to give you hope in times where you maybe feel no hope. + +Maybe this here is the motivation for YOU to take the first step today. To look out of the comfort zone a tiny little bit. To get help when you need help, as it is a sign of strength to ask for help not of weakness. **If this here reaches one person who is struggling today I've done my job.** + +Because no matter how tall the wall seem that you are looking at right now, it is possible to overcome it. + +**If you need help or advice, I'll be there for you in the comments! ⬇️**",Anxiety +51865,"I’m really scared and proud I’ve been taking the same adhd pill since I was a very small child and I had to switch on weekends due to a shortage. I have some history with certain pills and their side effects which is why I am so anxious. (Not the average side effects either, the 1% that most people don’t get. The side effects were facial and tongue cramping due to a severe allergic reaction, slurred speech, throat swelling, and a tic like thing called Tardive dyskinesia) I am having waves of panic attacks, but I am so fucking proud of myself. I faced my fear, I took the pill. I did it. I faced my anxiety. This is a first as I usually cower to it. My anxiety is still going, but it’s not used to me challenging it.",Anxiety +51866,"What tf us happening to me Every single day I feel the life inside of me just fall down as if it were sand, every day I feel like I can't breathe, I just sit and look around because even though no one sees it, I feel like my lings are vomiting inside me. + +Every single day I want to kill myself while at the same time having a panic attack because I don't want to die. + +And then I just sit there, not bothering anyone, because no one can look at me and tell me my intestines are silently spinning, no one can look at me and see my heart beating way too fast and know I'm not breathing. + +And certainly no one knows that every fucking day while I try to live my life I see myself in a grave not feeling any physical sensation at all, its almost as if I can see the future, almost as if old me is sitting in bed slowly rotting away, dead and no one has checked up on me for several hours + +Why tf am I like this, I'm 14, I'm supposed to enjoy life but insead I hate this shit, and I hate living with this terrible anxiety about nothing and everything at the same time, not living because I don't wanna die, which makes me want to kill myself + +The worst part is I'm not even diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it, and so no one will ever know, because I don't know people well enough to tell them this. I guess I don't mind sharing with strangers online tho + +Hope you have a nice day, and I hope your anxiety gets better because I wish no ine had to suffer like this",Anxiety +51867,"Can anxiety get triggered by nothing? I don’t know how to explain it but the last week or two I have been in a constant panic mode. always on edge , I feel sick 24/7, crying etc. But nothing has triggered me ? I just woke up one day and I knew something wasn’t right in my brain , I just felt really fuzzy and confused and now two weeks later I’m in a constant fight or flight mode.",Anxiety +51868,"Crazy how powerful thought diaries & breathing techniques have been for my anxiety I've been undergoing therapy for anxiety and depression for the past two months. My therapist recommended that I start keeping a ""thought diary"" to write down any worries or concerns that I may have and to practice a breathing technique that involves breathing in for four seconds, holding for two, and then exhaling for four seconds. + +Initially, I was skeptical that these simple practices could make a difference in something that has troubled me for years. However, I began to notice that whenever I started to become consumed by anxious or depressive thoughts, jotting them down in my diary helped me immensely. This process allowed me to break down those thoughts and identify that 99% of the time, my worries and depression stem from hypothetical situations. + +For instance, one of my thoughts was, ""What if my friends are judging me behind my back?"" (for context, this was after we went out for drinks). The key phrase in that being 'What if', meaning it's just hypothetical with no real evidence to back up the worry. So, in my thought diary, alongside my worrisome thought, I would write down a 'Helpful thought' where I deconstruct this worry. For the aforementioned thought, my helpful thought was: + +""This is a hypothetical worry, you have no evidence to suggest this will happen. Your friend's opinion of you shouldn't be taken seriously anyway. You don't need to seek approval from your friends."" + +Of course, this may not help everyone, but I wanted to share how thought diaries have helped my mental health, and they can be quite powerful. + + TL;DR: My therapist recommended keeping a ""thought diary"" and practicing breathing techniques to help my anxiety and depression. Writing down my thoughts and using the breathing technique has helped me identify that 99% of my worries are hypothetical. I recommend trying it out.",Anxiety +51869,"cant say no to anyone M18 i cant for the life of me say no to anyone, i get extremely anxious and overwhelmed when i think about disagreeing with someone or just saying something else because i’m afraid they’ll disagree back so i agree to make things easier. only person i can truly be me is like my mom but even my gf i just agree with everything like i’m on autopilot and i don’t know how to stop it. if i try i stutter and get so much anxiety, really weird",Anxiety +51870,"I’ve been trying to get help for months it’s so frustrating Our healthcare system is so over burdened. The psychiatrist in town has an almost 9 month wait list (but I finally got in). The community/parent support worker I was connected to cancelled our sessions because their department ran out of funding; the program was cut. I’m waiting until they announce the new budget in April and get more funding. Then I’ll get a worker back + +I’m giving every ounce of effort I have to get the supports I need and use them so that I can learn to function on my own. + +I have a 4 year old and I hate how im raising him. I feel like an asshole trying to explain to my dr that even though my house is full of food I struggle to feed him properly because I have no appetite I don’t cook for myself and I don’t know what to feed him. I look at all the food in my cupboard and I can’t make a decision on what to make. But then my son tells me he’s hungry right now so I just microwave a pizza pocket or corn dog for him. +I’m just so tired. I’m failing at everything. I’ve reached out for support and the people in the roles want to help me bc they see me trying. My psychiatrist even has seen me on his days off. It’s just the system as a whole that is underfunded and broken",Anxiety +51871,"xanax please help hi. this is going to be a bit of a long post. I have suffered from emetophobia for 8 years now. Have been and am still going to therapy, on antidepressants and have been on hydroxyzine. Recently, my doctor prescribed me .5mg of xanax every day. This has spiked my anxiety because I know I can gain a tolerance to it and become addicted. I have never misused it or done anything wrong, but I feel guilty for using it every day and I’m scared I’ll become addicted and have withdrawals. Can someone give me some insight on this please?",Anxiety +51872,"just some thoughts for you be patient with yourself. +its okay to say no. YOU are experiencing your life. nobody knows how you feel. your feelings are valid and its okay to set boundaries. its okay if you can‘t do it today. it takes a lot of energy for you to always fight against your worries and anxiety. so its totally understandable if you need some space and peace. + +dont surround yourself with people that drain your energy. its okay to let them go. this gives you more energy to focus on the good people and things in your life. + +i hope you have a good day today. but also dont have too much expectations. its totally fine if not everything is going to work out today.",Anxiety +51873,"Others getting their own way.. how to not care long story short... trying to book a trip away and 2 of the 5 keep taking all suggestions and twisting/changing. +other 3 have got fed up and just let them plan it their way. +I get so anxious and stressed when planning stuff anyway because I'm a control freak (maybe OCD about it?), and the thought that they get their own way everytime just cause the rest don't want an argument really annoys me but I don't know why? +any advice or just friendly support welcome!",Anxiety +51874,"Some advice to my people Hello, + +I've been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, and while I take a ridiculous amount of meds for it including lorazapam, pregablin etc, I was informed about Magnesium and I wanted to share this with you. + +So a lot of us get anxiety attacks triggered by the stress hormone cortisol, magnesium works by by stimulating the production of melatonin and serotonin which boost your mood and help you sleep. Magnesium also reduces the production of cytokines and cortisol, which lead to increased inflammation and stress. + +It's important that you don't over do it as you can poison yourself with magnesium, and you also have to make sure it's aspartate, citrate, lactate, and chloride forms as oxide apparently doesn't absorb as well. + +Speak to your pharmacist or Dr if you're mixing medication, but I have been able to reduce the amount of lorazapam I've needed since starting mag and its helped a lot with sleep. I'm truly impressed.",Anxiety +51875,"need help with SSRI nausea I was wondering if anybody has had nausea with one SSRI but not with some other one? + +I am taking Zoloft and nausea is pretty bad, even with the one half of 50 mg tablet. I dont know if switching SSRIs would be beneficial or this side effect would remain the same? + +What is interesting is that I have taken Zoloft 15 yeras ago with absolutely no issues at at all, and now I feel like I am taking a poison. I don't understand this at all. + +Thanks!",Anxiety +51876,"Horrible Fear of Food Being Drugged Lately I’ve been having this massively irrational fear of my food being laced with LSD or some other form of psychedelics. I won’t eat something that’s been already opened regardless of whether or not it’s mine, which has led to me not only wasting food, but actively avoiding eating unless I make it right there, and even then it takes quite a bit of effort. This in turn has also led me to having a fear of an undiagnosed mental illness, and I can’t quite afford to go to a doctor currently to figure out if that is the case. + +I’ve only ever been technically “drugged” once when the cannabis my friend bought was laced with PCP a few months ago but this fear extends back to when I was around fifteen (twenty three now). I’ve done acid only twice and while I did enjoy it, it’s not something I’m likely to do again, and I rarely smoke cannabis or drink, but I did do a lot of both for a few years. + + Obviously nobody is gonna waste good acid on me but the fear is constantly there to the point that I yelled at my brother the other day for jokingly pretending to drop something into my Gatorade on the way to work (he’s unaware of this fear) and threw it away despite it being completely full, and even avoided eating the cookies my mom brought down for Christmas, which made me feel awful as there is absolutely no way my mom would ever do anything like that to me. + +I’m iffy on telling anybody close to me about this fear for a few reasons, the main one being the irrationality of it all, but I also do not want to be sent to an inpatient center (again, can’t afford it) as I was for depression as a minor. Sorry for the rambling wall of text but I just need to know if this is signs of a more major illness or at the very least how I can possibly cope with it.",Anxiety +51877,"Hurry sickness is driving me crazy. Does anyone else have this? I have hurry sickness and it's linked to my anxiety and BPD. It causes me so much anxiety because I always feel like I need to do many things at the same time or short period of time. +I drink my coffee in about 5 minutes, then I read a book for an hour, then I listen to music and surf the web for a non-specific reason. Everything has to be done very fast, and well-planned, if not, I get impatient, irritable, and anxious. +It's pretty exhausting and I realized it's a problem going on for two years now. I did not pay too much attention to this before, since I didn't even know there was a term for this condition. + +Does anyone else experience something similar? How are you dealing with it?",Anxiety +51878,"Just got done with my first psychiatric evaluation I was prescribed Zoloft 25mgs and a blood pressure medication to take when I’m in a panic. I’m nervous but honestly relieved to be put on something. I’ve been struggling so bad and I’m so tired. I was diagnosed with GAD, social anxiety, and depression. I’m finally putting myself and my mental health first and working to make myself better.",Anxiety +51879,"Asked my parents (who I don't live with) for an extra 10 or so a week spending money and they've turned it into a big thing I am currently under an intense care plan as an outpatient at a mental health hospital. One of the nurses suggested asking for an extra amount of allowance. 'well off' (but not rich) parents completely fund me while I'm at university as my loan is less than my rent. + +I was debating asking for weeks, me and my parents have had a strained relationship in the past to say the least, some definitely their fault, some a mix of both of our faults. Anyway, it's left a gap between us that I haven't been brave enough to cross. + +But last night I asked them, told them I wasn't struggling with the current allowance it would purely be for an extra nice thing a week to help me get by during these times. IMO they've blown it way out of proportion, they wanted a phone call today to log all my spending and now they're wanting to come and visit me TODAY. It's sending my anxiety haywire this is why I don't open up or ask anything from my parents. + +What do I do? Say no to them visiting all together? I'm 100% fine with keeping the current allowance, I just want a yes or a no to have some closure on this conversation with my parents. + +So, I'll repeat my question: (with your limited knowledge of my life) What do I do??",Anxiety +51880,"Please help! Hey guys, I have an on-site interview after being a complete depressed, socially angst hermit for the last 6 months. When I say I didn’t go out of my house more than 4 times in 6 months, best believe it😂 +I applied for a job and I have to fly to another state for it. I thought things were getting better with me but my anxiety is through the roof just thinking about the travel, but mostly the interview. It’s a 2hour session from 10-12pm. +I usually take 10 mg of propranolol, but I don’t think it ll be enough. Do you guys think it’s ok to take 20mg. Before you ask me to ask my doctor, he said I should take 10-20 mg but I have never taken 20 mg before and I am scared I ll pass out or I won’t be able to breath (had asthma when I was younger). +I was thinking maybe of taking one at 8am and then another at 9.30am-ish. +What do you guys think? Anyone with experience? +Also I m a “little” female despite being in my mid 30s . 5 feet and 110lbs",Anxiety +51881,"Coping mechanisms for trigger scenario I've had nightmare neighbors which my housing have ignored for years the ball is finally rolling but I'm freaking out as they are having the housing officer in question and community officer who doesn't speak up about things they said that were incorrect previously to come for this talk, where were going to discuss their failings. + +Injustice and lying really trigger my anxiety and emotion regulation so I'm wondering what I could do in this meeting to relax? Right now all I can think of is music in one ear and camomile tea",Anxiety +51882,Freaking out My fiancée and i got into a horrible fight this morning. I dont want to get into details but its to the point where she may just want me to leave. Im freaking out. Im an alcoholic but sober 3 years and the anxiety im now experiencing from this is same i had when i drank. Its messing with me but more so this is something i gotta work through. I just want to sleep. Im inconpacitated i feel like. Theres so much to do. But i want to just get past this and move on. We both just flipped out on each other but more so cause i started my day off bad. I don't start my day off bad it doesnt get to this point. Or at least suppress it until the day got better. Im just torn up inside. Feel like i messed everything up. I really did.,Anxiety +51883,"Doctors notes/records Hi just wondering if anybody knows about if doctors think you are drug seeking do they put that on your record? +I went to doctors yesterday, didn’t see my usual GP, it was about spinal pain that radiates up my back, only seems to hurt after physical activity which is weird but concerning to me. The day before appointment I went gym & done some light training on back muscles which really set it off, was painful & felt weird afterwards like weakness in my arms, bit dizzy and just a general weak feeling like really weak and disorientated. She was not helpful at all, basically done a quick op’s check, checked my back briefly & said it seems ok. She said to rest on weekend and see how I go, she said hot water bottle. The more im thinking about my appointment with a her yesterday I get the impression she feels I was drug seeking. I never asked for any drugs but I feel she was misunderstanding me being concerned with trying to get drugs. She said something when I sat down like “you’re looking to discuss pain management” I didn’t really take it in as was really anxious and tired so I said yeah about my spine then proceeded to talk about my concerns, but not once did I say anything about wanting medications/drugs. I’m annoyed now I should of been clear that I would of liked a referral to be checked out or something. I’m on pregabalin for anxiety (it also just happens to be a nerve pain drug) and she said few times about you’ll have review soon with usual GP to see if it’s helping my anxiety and not just about pain management. She also said you’ve only upped dosage 10 days ago. I didn’t really take it in properly at the time but I feel she thinks I was trying to up my dose or get pain meds? I’m worried now that it will be on my notes and I’m also frustrated that I didn’t correct her properly. Any advice or help on this would be appreciated im very anxious about this, I feel I was totally misunderstood and I don’t like the thought of her putting on notes I was looking for pain management or medication to help that. I also noticed as I was leaving she done a frustrated sigh. This experience has made me feel invalidated, misunderstood and made my anxiety and depression worse. I’m struggling mentally very very bad to say the least.",Anxiety +51884,,Anxiety +51885,"C19 I was just wondering if anyone is paranoid about C19? + +I am still masking up, trying to keep my distance and washing and anti-baccing my hands like its going out of fashion.",Anxiety +51886,"Struggling. Could use some support. Tldr, been medicating and going to therapy for about 2-3 weeks. Feeling better than where I was, but still struggling, mainly at nights. Have health anxiety and hate feeling [insert sensation/feeling here] and if keeps me from sleeping. + +Just really wishing I lived with friends to always be in arms reach of a hug. I need those right now.",Anxiety +51887,"The anxiety seasons have started It’s gotten hot where I live meaning it’s officially Spring meaning it’s officially anxiety season, wooo! + +It is currently 4:30 AM, it’s too hot for me to sleep, and the heat is giving me anxiety. The air conditioning is *SUPPOSED* to be on, but it’s been broken in this room for like a year and my mom refuses to admit it’s broken, saying that it’s just cause the room is over the garage. Which I KNOW isn’t true because I’d still be able to at least HEAR or FEEL the air conditioning running but it DOESNT. + +It’s kinda funny (not really, but if I don’t laugh I WILL have a mental breakdown) that Spring and Summer are the worst for my anxiety when almost everyone else (*cough* neurotypicals *cough*) tend to LOVE those seasons. Ass that to the list of im just weird I guess lol",Anxiety +51888,"Work, life, anxiety(f20) Today is actually the day all my worries are transformed in real situations, let's start +First of all, my grandma's sister birthday, I totally forgot about . Than said that I would come, but I forgot about gift and overslept, than was to anxious to go, and called said I'm sick, than I received a message from my coworker like hah where are you the event is starting, I totally forgot about this than I fucked up with my student, rescheduling our lesson like 3-5 times ( because I thought I would maybe go on a birthday)and finally telling that I'm sick to her as well because well at this moment I was already crying because how irresponsible and stupid this situation is, and also it would be so strange to do this lesson with her after not going to the event, and the event is still going, I probably should get there, but it's to overwhelming at this point, I also will not go to the birthday party for the same reason, to much stress for me already, I want to just disappear, I try so hard to remember everything and it just happenes.. It is so so stupid and I mean I'm completely useless anyway, like who the hell lives with memory troubles at 20 , it feels like some disorder at this point ( I forget a lot of things) +My mom is dating an alhogolic and last couple of weeks were a nightmare. +I didn't sleep normal for a long time because of this situation and last night was a disaster +A lot of other troubles financial, with studying +And at the end right now I feel like literally throwing up from the level of anxiety that I experience",Anxiety +51889,"Coffee and antipsychotics Greetings people I hope you're having a good day. First of all how are your experiences with coffee and antipsychotic meds? I've been on Abilify and Alprazolam for years never had been feeling alert on them always either sleepy or have weird feeling in my stomach. Now I've tried everything with these meds be it smoking or alcohol I stopped all of it because it caused very nasty problems with me when I stopped I finally felt myself even through I've read on Wikipedia that coffee can also cause problems when you take these meds it's says even small amounts can cause side effects that's called caffeine induced anxiety. + +I'm not really sure how am I supposed to be awake I mean I'm unemployed still in hands of my parents and other family members who take care of me and understand my problems but how did you manage to stay awake without coffee or did coffee really help you without feeling weird all time while on meds? It would be stupid for me to sleep all day and miss some important events or have fun chatting with friends or playing video games or better yet studying different topics like electrical engineering or making homemade circuits. Not electrical engineer just doing something for hobby.",Anxiety +51890,"Question I have a question, so when i am out in public i feel like everyone is looking at me, but then i start feeling like I’m in a dream, like a lucid dream. I can but i feel like i cant think thoughts and only focus on doing what I’m supposed to do. I also feel like my head is fogged up inside too in public lol. Im not the happiest person to be honest and since maybe half a year ago I’ve stopped caring abt things and when i think of something and it gets a little complicated i just quit thinking abt it, i dont care enough to think about anything for some reason. Can someone please tell me if its anxiety or is there something wrong with me.",Anxiety +51891,"Being bad at something new gives me anxiety I know it’s contradictory but yeah. Not sure if this has to do with being a perfectionist or if it’s something else. I enjoy the “rush” of learning new things and knowing things, but when it push comes to shove and I need to practice what I’m learning, that’s when I usually find out I still have a long way to go and will have to fail and make mistakes and actually suck at that thing for a while. It’s like I just want to skip to the “good” part. I feel like the work is only productive/useful when it’s good. + +How do you even deal with the uncomfortable parts of learning and growing? :( + +I just keep pushing on but sometimes it feels like I’m making no progress at all. And I know that “slow progress is still progress” but then my anxiety kicks in with bullsh*t like “other people are staying up and working their asses off while you’re celebrating a tiny step forward.”",Anxiety +51892,"I used beta blockers for 3 weeks and quitted, now I'm sweating abnormally in my private area, is this normal? I used propranolol for anxiety and stress but I quitted after 3 weeks because I had too much side effects. The day I began too lower my dosage untill stopping I have experienced excessive sweating around my sit area. And by that I mean abnormally much. Is this something related to betablockers and has anyone had a similair experience with this?",Anxiety +51893,"Advice I’ve been dealing with some anxiety issues my whole life. I’ve had lots of trama and was diagnosed with ADHD as a young child. Never being able to focus and always the most loud and distributive( in school). I used to stay up at night as a kid because after watching the slightest scary movie I would be afraid. Anyways the point of the backstory is to give you a sense of who I was. Lately within the past year my anxiety has been through the roof. I find it very hard to focus and have lots of thoughts at once. Even some that just pop into my head. I can hear other peoples tone of voice. Not like big conversation. My anxiety was so high I was getting lots of physical symptoms heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath to which I thought I had a heart problem. So I went to the doctors and got all the tests and didn’t believe my heart was fine until I got the results. I thought about this everyday. To which now I think this might had been a delusion. My point is I’m very worried I’m developing Schizophrenia. My family does have a history of mental health issues.I know this post is confusing and if I’m worried about my mental health I should see a doctor. But I’m just looking for advice. + +**Edit** +I would like to add that for a long time when I went home after a long day I could not relax to fall asleep. My mind would be racing. The only way I could describe it is like a radio. In order to drown it out I would have to put on music to fall asleep.",Anxiety +51894,I have been taking 20mg citalopram for 9 days now - I am feeling more depressed/dissociative/unmotivated/tired than ever/before - does it get better? Is this normal? I do have a check up appointment with the doctor next week but I’m nervous maybe it’s not working for me :(,Anxiety +51895,"Anxiety has ruined my life... I need some advice/help (Gonna be a little long, gonna rant a bit) + +Little back story, 20-year-old male, no past history of major anxiety other than flying on planes etc.. + +Last year from January to April was feeling the best I have ever felt in my life! worked out 6-7 days a week, confidence was high, and not a care in the world. I would say around May, I started getting increasingly fatigued every day. As the days went on, it felt like I was detached from reality. By the end of the year, I felt so detached, fatigued, and had major brain fog. I have a small bump on the back of my head, it doesn't hurt, I got it checked out and the doc said it could be a skull deformity. I dont believe her. I convinced myself that I had something wrong with me, and I went down the rabbit hole of self-diagnosing by reading google (i know worst idea ever). I could only function to the fraction I could before my snapping point. I felt so depolarized and had no energy at this point. I convinced myself I had a chronic illness that I was going to die from (I still belive this), I got every scan and lab work done. Nothing came of it. I had no idea what was causing all of these symptoms. Fast forward to January, I started a very stressful college class. It is an intensive academy-type class. I thought I had my stress pretty well controlled but in February I had my first panic attack ever. Went to school that day feeling fine, didn't eat breakfast, but drank 180mg of caffeine (I usually have \~300mg a day). During the afternoon portion of the class, I felt this sense of impending doom, and shortness of breath and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. For 2 hours my HR was in the \~130s. I had no Idea what was going on and felt like I was gonna die. So my teacher wanted me transported to the ER, My EKG came back normal, sinus tachycardia (fast heart rate). They pulled labs and everything was normal except for low magnesium and potassium. They gave me some fluids and discharged me. For the next few days my heart rate was a constant 120 even when resting and my anxiety was through the roof! It sucked! My doctor then prescribed me Lexapro, and man oh man, hats of to anyone that could get through that first phase of Lexapro. It trashed me, constant panic attacks, SOB, tingling, the whole 9 yards. I stopped after 5 days due to the fact that I didn't want to be tied to a pill at such a young age. Since my panic attack, Ive had constant anxiety. Im having anxiety about things Ive never worried about before! it sucks! Its like I have to experience all these things over again (like driving) to tell myself there is nothing to be anxious about. Ill also be sitting in the most comfortable place in my house, not stressed at all, then my heart rate will kick off to the \~120s for the whole day. Do you guys experience this? I also feel like I'm having heart palpitations. It feels like my heart is in my throat and I can't catch my breath. It sucks! Every time I stand up my heart rate jumps. It takes a long time for me to calm down and convince myself I'm not dying. I know my case is minor to some cases Ive read but damn Im having a hard time with this. Im in constant fear and anxious about having another anxiety attack and passing out. Im trying everything I can before I commit to an antidepressant. Im trying L theanine, Ashwagandha, and magnesium. I got prescribed adarax but it doesn't seem to help like ativan does. I just want my old life back. Is this normal? Does it get better? will it be like this forever? how did you guys get over your anxiety? tips? medications? Thank you all for taking time and reading my post I really appreciate it. I just really need some help...",Anxiety +51896,"Anxiety dizziness - What does everyone's feel like? This has bee driving me mental for a year now as you can probably tell from my post history. + +Only way I can describe it is I get sudden episodes where I feel sick, like I'm falling, warm rush feeling and tight head then I snap out of it again. + +When it's really bad I almost feel numb and out of my own body like everything's in slow motion. + +Can happen standing sitting laying down. + +Drives me absolutely mental because I just cannot reconcile how anxiety could cause this so I constantly worry it's my heart. + +Anyone else get this? What helped stop it for good?",Anxiety +51897,"Vitamin c deficiency? Has anyone had vitamin c deficiency, and how long did supplementation take to affect anxiety?",Anxiety +51898,"Terrified of going to the dentist I know I have some cavities because I went to the dentist sometime last year and they scheduled an appointment for fillings but when I showed up, no one was there and they wouldn't answer my calls for months so I gave up. But tonight I was looking at my teeth and I'm pretty sure I see one. I don't see any actual black or decay, just an indent that was hiding behind some tartar, but everyone's always told me that once you can see a cavity it's already too far and the tooth usually needs to be pulled (might not be true, just what I've been told) + I'm hopefully going to make an appointment on Monday but I'm so nervous because my teeth are terrible. I don't have any missing or rotting teeth but I can never remember to brush them and I had hg a couple years ago that turned into a 3 year long problem of throwing up multiple times a day. So they're yellow, have a ton of build up, and I'm pretty sure they told me I have gum disease at my last appointment. I'm so worried they're going to judge me and think I'm disgusting. I'm also terrified of getting fillings because the numbing shots never work fully for me so it's always super painful. + I checked their website and it says that they offer nitrous, conscious sedation, and iv sedation but I'm not even sure my insurance will pay for ""unnecessary sedation"" since nitrous makes me freak out. And then, how would I ask for it without sounding like a drug seeker?? I'm sorry if this seems like rambling. I'm just freaking out.",Anxiety +51899,germ anxiety please help I invited my friend over to stay because it was late but I have crippling germophobia and ocd. I feel horrible because I love my friend to bits. but im so triggered rn because I cleaned the toilet and we didn't have gloves and I don't know if she used it yet and now im terrified of having a disease I can't stop spiraling,Anxiety +51900,I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE ITS SO HARD TO KEEP GOING... I keep panic and telling my parent I need to go to the E.R.I keep having panic attack I use the restroom and i have a panic attack which cause my scalp to feel like it's burning I keep having a little chest pain and think in having a heart attacks. I have had headaches for the past 10 too 11 days and keep thinking I'm having a brain anyersum or stroke any little pain in my head makes me panic and spiral. I've been trying to play through my favorite resident evil games but it just won't distract me anymore im just panicking over and over. I sometimes think it would be better if I wasn't here anymore so I wouldn't bug anyone. Or wouldn't feel this pain all the doctors say im fine but I don't feel fine. I also feel like stress won't end even if I'm not thinking about any pain will cause me to panic.,Anxiety +51901,"What to use What to use when you are stressing a lot +Maybe some vitamins or minerals?",Anxiety +51902,"Am I weird? My friend came for a sleepover today and we went in my room. He didnt ask or anything and just sat in my bed. After some time he layed in it, had my plushies in his arm, the blanked over him and the pillows under his head and I just wanted to scream. I still feel so uncomfortable. I can't wait him to be gone so I can change my bed sheets and wash everything. He also changed the position of my bedtable And I feel like ripping my skin of, I can't stand the feeling, and goddamn HE HAD SCHOOL CLOTHES ON. And went in. My. Bed. I changed the sheets not a while ago and they were all clean and now not. I don't even allow myself to lay in my bed with dirty clothes. I need to shower, put on fresh clothes and then I can lay in my bed. I had the problem of people just simply touching anything in my bed since I was little, They always bullyed me and extra jump on it, ect. I always cried because of it and It still didnt change. I'm so sensitive about anyone on my bed, I even feel disgusted if my mom sits on it just a tiny bit. There is no excuse ,everyone I know makes me uncomfortable when beeing on my bed. Does it have to do with my adhd? Is it autism? OCD? PTSD? or am I just weird? I'm slowly going insane, someone help me.",Anxiety +51903,"Paranoia It has been a stressful time for me (just moved countries). I have always seen things out of the corner of my eye but didn’t think anything of this. The last few weeks has gotten more noticeable. Last night I kept seeing shadows to the point I could not move of the couch until I forced myself too. All day it’s been happening, thinking I see things like figures and having images that are horror related come into my head. Every noise I hear I’m instantly scared. + +Has anyone had instances like this? It’s getting to the point of when my dogs bark I start to cry because I’m so scared.",Anxiety +51904,"My mom doesn't believe anxiety is real I finally got the courage to talk to a professional today for my anxiety. I got prescibed medication and I told my mom, expecting she would be glad for me. She was not. + +She got super angry and told me anxiety is not real, and that the medical and drug industries are just a big mafia looking to exploit people for profit. She told me I'm just going to get worse and that the medication will turn me into a lethargic zombie. + +Also she didn't approve that the dr. gave me a 2 week sick leave from work and made me feel bad for ""skipping work"". + +I feel so bad now. Maybe I shouldn't have seeked help after all?",Anxiety +51905,"4 years ago I wasnt showering for months at a time, depressed, anxious and paranoid. At the time I was sober going on 18, 19 years. I was, and am on disability since 09' for schizoaffective bipolar type disorder. + +For the longest time, especially since sobriety, I've been overwhelmed with thinking. Space, time, behavior, tornadoes...whatever. + +But, since my life was an unmanaged train wreck I had no confidence in myself as having any quality. It seems that feeling good about yourself comes from a well managed life. + + +My last job was as a janitor on the army base near by roughly 5 years ago. I couldnt handle the pressure. I was so dependant on others for everything I was asking if I was sweeping properly. Very bad mindset. A lady mentioned crying and it made me feel like crying. I didnt understand how that could be. It seemed like witchcraft, so to speak. That was my last day at my last job. It was my 4th attempt to go back to work since my disability badge acquisition! + +I've been in therapy for 16 or 17 years ago I got into therapy from a mental health episode. During that visit at the crisis stabilisation unit in Virginia (Fredricksburg) I met a man that changed my life. He went by the name Bose Uncle. He taught me a breathing exercise. 3 in 6 out. You breath in deep for 3 seconds roughly then out for 6 seconds. Also roughly. Dont try to be specific like me and do it exactly 3 and 6. + +On down the road, life and me under pressure and practicing my breathing because sufferage bleep blop bloop, pandemic. Overwhelming, unadulteraded pain in the brain from an anxiety I'd never expierenced before I saw a vision. It seemed to be the exact same thing that happened to Bill Wilson from AA. A wind blew through me. His words. My words on it are, I was no longer a bound up point in time and space holding on to the memories from the stimulation from the moment. I was free from the tension that came about from the fucking utter bullshit that exists. I let it go. The moment. I stopped holding and figuring. + +&#x200B; + +It was like my being afraid got wore out. I remember specifiaclly saying to myself at the height of my pain in a ridgid bodily posture laying in my recline, ""bullshit."" I calle dbullshit on my old beliefs. That old fire and brimstone god. Intstead I chose ""my concept"" of life as my God. My ideas are good to. Changed life. + + +About six months later I nearly died from pancreatitis. When I got home from 6 days in the hospital I shared it on facebook. I received a good number of get well soon messages as expected. I did not get what I thought I would. People coming to visit, bringing me food...all that. I nearly fucking died. I know hundreds of people. What does that mean? My perception is fucked up, my beghhvior is fucked up, I need to change. + + +I did not think that way at first. At first I thought, ""I fucking hate everyone."" For a while. + +Then 6 months later, I got diagnosed with autism. April 24th 2021. + + +6 months later after learning to relax, I rested on my heels for the first time in my life. This began the second chapter of my life. The taking my time portion. The I am the most impotant person in my life to me. You all come second. For ever. I no longer run to the kitchen, the bathroom, through the grocery store, drive fast, or move my limbs fast. I have even taken control of my eyes speed of movement. + + +Did you know that your body can control your mind. If you dont control your body your body will be controlled by your environment throught the mind. + + +You receive stimulus simply due to being a sensing being. This moves you. If you are not aware of it. Make yourself aware of this and take control of your body, the way you look, smell, move (behavior speed) amplitude of voice ...total bodily control and you can eliminate a great deal of your own suffering. I havew come off my depression meds and greatfully have finally been more aptly medicated with litium. Now I dont have to force myself into slow mo behavior but I do stay aware I think from a bit of fear. + + +You can control your thinking! + + +You can control your thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +&#x200B; + +I wish I could impress upon whomever needs it that the pause in conversation is ok. Moving the body oddly slow is not odd. Not speaking is an answer. And, you dont owe a motherfucker a goddamn thing if it stresses you out. + + Peace in east!",Anxiety +51906,"I am tired of having anxiety I am physically and mentally very exhausted right now and I tried to fall asleep, but I’m so nauseous from my anxiety that I really just couldn’t and sometimes I just like want to feel normal so bad but I feel like I will never get there. My anxiety sucks so bad. I feel like most days it controls who i am and what i act like for that day. Today i went out with my friends and we had a good time but we ended up being outside a lot longer than we would and i got extremely cold and started panicking. We were far from everyone’s house and all i wanted was to go home. They came to my house afterwards and it was nice for a while but i was still feeling anxious. When they all left i felt immediately better like this huge weight on my chest being lifted off. it’s not that i don’t like my friends but being around people is so exhausting. I hate that im like this i just wanna feel normal so bad. I get anxious so easily and it won’t go away for hours. Then when i’m not feeling anxious i feel depressed. It constantly feels like a never ending storm or something. Like just when it starts to feel bright and the rain might stop it starts again and gets so dark. I’m constantly fighting just to stay sane and it’s so hard. All i want is to feel normal and okay, and maybe real because i’m constantly dissociating. (I do have a therapist btw)",Anxiety +51907,Any good YouTubers that talk about their experiences with anxiety? I've been trying to find YouTubers who talk about anxiety and things they may have done to help them. I just think it would be nice to find someone who shares similar experiences so I feel like I'm not crazy all the time lol. Anyone got anything? Thanks!,Anxiety +51908,"Had a really bad turn the last few days Hi everyone, I've had anxiety for the last 6 months or so in varying levels. From January I was in a decent headspace with it but the last three weeks it's got worse and then the last four days or so it's gone off a cliff. + +It's all I think about all day long, I had panic attacks on Monday and Wednesday and my heart is racing all day. Where before I'd wake up rested now I wake up with my heart racing and frequently my muscles are spasming which is scary. The thought of doing normal stuff feels impossible and I can't shake this feeling I can't get better than this ever again. + +I spoke to my doctor on Thursday and he prescribed propranolol which I took yesterday for the first time which helped with the body stuff but my mind was still racing. + +Has anyone experienced similar and have any tips? I feel like this is really really bad and worse than most people have anxiety.",Anxiety +51909,"Welcome to todays game of is this anxiety or am I dying? For tonight’s players we have: weird jaw moment, chest tightness and irrational thoughts! Feat: what’s causing my moment of low sugar - new keto diet or new symptom. +Thanks for playing!",Anxiety +51910,"Does anyone else experience Catalonia ? I have severe anxiety, when I’m really stressed or get triggered I zone out completely . It’s really scary does anyone else experience this? it’s like the lights are on but nobodies home.",Anxiety +51911,"Overwhelmed, tried, struggling I was diagnosed with an other-specified anxiety disorder for about a year now and that sent me into a tailspin during my diagnosis. I was doing therapy consistently since then and felt like I had a handle on things but was triggered into another episode a month ago. + +I just feel disconnected and kind of dead now. I've had on and off anxiety the whole month, it's affected my relationship, I'm exhausted all the time, struggling also with stomach issues and feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. My partner has tried to be supportive but I can tell it wears him down. I can't see how I can keep doing this and feeling like this forever. I don't even know what I'm looking for from this post but I just wanted to write something out because I feel tired and sad and alone.",Anxiety +51912,"Self diagnosed hypochondriac, actively looking to start therapy and looking for people with a similar situation Every week there’s a new flavor of death on the horizon. Liver disease, cardiovascular disease, colorectal cancer, brain amoeba, HIV, esophageal cancer, and so on. + +I’m living my life convinced that I’m going to prematurely die any moment. + +I have body dysmorphia and have never been able to take my shirt off in front of anyone, even when my significant other is the most reassuring person in the world. + +Every little ache, pain, mark, and feeling can set me down a rabbit hole. + +I plan to start therapy soon and am actively looking for a therapist for in person sessions in my area. If anyone is in the same boat as me or has ever been, would love to talk or hear your story. Thanks",Anxiety +51913,"Amoxicillin 500mg, missed two days Hi guys, so i was prescribed amoxicillin 500mg for my throat because the doc believed i had strep throat. I took my medication like it was instructed, 3 times a day for 10 days, but forgot to take it for 2 days. Now i am having a mild sore throat, is it too late to take it, or should i continue to take it, wiill it still work?",Anxiety +51914,"How to shake the feeling someone or something gonna break into the house? I live alone. Right now it is storming. Every night I lay awake wondering if someone or something has broke in. My eyes are tired. I know the doors are locked, but how do you get over this anxiety? I've been alone for 4 months.",Anxiety +51915,Can we have stress/anxiety without even knowing it? I know when I'm stressed and anxious. But there are times when I feel normal - but it is possible that I'm subconsciously stressed and anxious without even knowing it?,Anxiety +51916,Please help So many thoughts just need a distraction someone please talk to me.,Anxiety +51917,"Hiv anxiety I had gone to a barber 34 days back for a hair cut.And while cutting my hair, he put a towel on my neck and stopped it with a pin.But that pin stuck on my neck,Now I am afraid that can I get HIV from that pin?2 people had also got their hair cut before me and I do not recognize those people.Or if that barber has HIV and he pricks that pin on his finger and my nick at the same time?Nowadays I get sweaty while sleeping at night.And there are small nodes on my neck, when I touch I can feel those nodes.",Anxiety +51918,"health anxiety can I just say, fuck health anxiety! I truly cannot tell if I should go to the doctor or if I’m making up a problem. I’m pretty sure I was spitting up blood just now but I think it might have been from my gums. i’m freaking out being on a new medication and i feel like it was a big mistake and something’s happening to my insides. it doesn’t help that my doctor doesn’t take mental health issues seriously. + +how do you all deal with health anxiety???",Anxiety +51919,Overthinking How can I control my thoughts instead of letting them overwhelm me ?,Anxiety +51920,Away from home I’m away from home on a college tour for this weekend and I’m really anxious. I’m super fatigued and my stomach kinda hurts (I have emetophobia) and it’s freaking me out. I recently had covid so I’m worried it’s making a comeback. Could really use someone to talk to rn,Anxiety +51921,Kids death How can I stop having fear about my kids death? I’ll go in a spiral just thinking about it. It’s too irrational but scary.,Anxiety +51922,"Have my body forgotten how to breath properly? I have a constant feeling of tightness in my chest. +No matter how i breathe i can never take a breath that feels relaxing and satisfying. +Sometimes when i don't pay attention to my breathing i subconsciously hold my breath for a few seconds only to gasp for air a few moments later. +Most of the time my breathing is shallow and irregular. + +A lifetime of anxiety and the associated sensation of having a hard time breathing makes me believe my nervous system have forgotten how to breath properly. + +Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +51923,"Anxiety stopping me from working I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while now, I came to the realisation a few years ago that it has mainly stemmed from the relationship with my dad I had when I was younger. This is caused me to not be able to do tasks in front of people (wether they be simple or not) I just can’t do it. I start lightly trembling and thinking about how stupid I must look to whoever is watching me, this causes me to mess up even more. This is really stopped me from wanting to go out and get a job because I know that if the interview goes well (I actually do good in interviews weirdly) then I will eventually have to be shadowed and critiqued by someone while I learn the job. This dread has stopped me from going to 3 interviews now. Does anyone else get this? Sorry for the long post.",Anxiety +51924,"Dry heaving I’ve been dealing with a really complex personal issue involving heartbreak/ loss of a person I deeply care about; certainly the worst pain I’ve experienced in my life thus far. As it stands, I already carry a level of anxiety with me, but with this added on to it, my body has been putting me through hell. I find myself dry heaving hard in the mornings especially, and then at times throughout the day. This has led to some really painful vomiting on several occasions. Its also occurred at my workplace, the gym, and several other public places without warning. I know there’s absolutely a psychosomatic part of all of this, but after almost three weeks, it’s becoming really problematic for me. + +Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this just something I have to power through? Are there any tricks to at least minimize it?",Anxiety +51925,Hi there Anyone up or available? I'm just not doing good right now my anxiety has me feeling like i can't breath and making me feel like my throat is gonna close (yea wierd) I know,Anxiety +51926,"Where do I begin to get help? I'm a 27 year old female. I've probably had anxiety all my life but have never spoken to a doctor or anyone about it. + +I feel like im just always in a constant state of worry. So much so that it drives me to have small OCD traits. Something as simple as fearing a house fire and having to do a series of steps checking lights before I leave the house. Over and over......and over again. It's weird. + +I'm always worrying about the future, past things I can't change, things I say or do after im with people, how people view me, if I have a ""too much"" gene. I'll sit and agonize over things that's so mild for someone to worry about but drives me up a wall. To the point of frustration where I just lose it and cry into a panic. + +I dont even know where to start to solve this. I feel like the past year it's been horrendous and getting increasingly worse. I'm good at playing it off. I'm good at putting on a show because I've always thought I could handle it- lots of people I know feel the same. But it's really starting to take a toll on my life and the things I'm doing or too afraid to even try to do. + +I feel like I use alcohol and drugs as a way to cope sometimes. Not an outrageous amount but I'll have a big drinking night and then will go a week without drinking cause I've worried myself into thinking I have a problem and need self control. + +I'm so good at people pleasing and acting like everything is fine but I feel like my mind is just in a dark place. Telling myself I'll never make it, that I'll always be alone, etc. + +It's really stupid things to stress over. Or at least stupid things to let myself worry about for more than a minute. + +Money is always a bug stress factor- for everyone of course but thats the main reason I think I've never gone to get help. I'm not sure how much it cost to afford the help I need or where to even go. Not to mention the fear I get trying to explain how I feel to someone and them thinking I'm crazy or I'm making it up- how sad to think a professional in this field would judge me.... + +I just feel like if I dont try to improve my overall mindset towards life then I wont have a fulfilling one. I'll be too afraid to try new things that scare me, I'll stick to my same safe routine, and I'll come home and cry over the big and small worries that run through my head daily. + +Where I do I start to fix this...?",Anxiety +51927,"People often say “Really?” when I tell them I have anxiety, and I have mixed emotions about it. On the one hand, it’s comforting to know that all of my worries about coming across as nervous or awkward are so out of proportion that people don’t even know I have anxiety. + +On the other hand, it feels sort of invalidating to my struggle, if that makes sense. This thing often consumes my life, and it’s frustrating that no one knows how hard I’m trying. They just think this is easy for me, that I can effortlessly raise my hand and speak in class like other people do. That’s not to say that I feel negatively toward the people who say this, more that it’s just generally frustrating that people have no idea. + +Have y’all thought about this too? Do you look at it a different way?",Anxiety +51928,"Does anyone else have their anxiety relieved by McDonald's fries???? Sounds stupid, but whenever I feel my anxiety go through the roof and make me nauseunauseouss, McDonald's fries always help ground me for whatever reason...",Anxiety +51929,"I’m dating someone I really like and it’s absolutely killing me A bit of background: I was diagnosed with ocd and gad about 15 years ago. Been very much under control for the most part. + +I’m 32 years old and just started dating an incredible 31 year old woman about a month ago. I’ve dated a lot over the past few years, but this is the first time in ages where I’ve REALLY been into the person. Normally it feels like the people I date like me more than I like them, and anxiety doesn’t play a role. I just go about my day with a calm mind and do what needs to be done. But now it feels like the roles are reversed, and I’m getting crushed. + +Constant thoughts of whether or not she likes me, obsessing over every word in her texts to try interpreting meaning, freaking out if she’s doesn’t respond to my messages within a couple hours. It’s taking over my life. My work is slipping, I can’t sleep well, a constant awful sick panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach. + +It doesn’t help that she’s very reticent with her emotions and does not offer much words of affection or validation. But I don’t want to scare her off with my intense feelings so on the surface I’ve been playing it cool the best I can. I almost wish she would just end things with me so I could move on, because not knowing how she feels is the worst part. + +I don’t know what to do.",Anxiety +51930,"Try to massage the back of your head with your palm, and then concentrate on feeling it and imagine that you are thinking your thoughts and feeling feelings there. This technique helped me to develop awareness of my thoughts and feelings as observer. Also it helped me to heal my anxiety and neurosis. I call this “Back of head method”. I hope you try it and it works. + +If your attempt was successful and you started feeling calmness and ease, i recommend you to regularly practice this method for months to get good results. You won’t even recognize your reaction to impulses after long practice.",Anxiety +51931,"Working in a call center I just started a new job that has the absolute best work environment ever. However, it's answering phones, and of course that's not ideal for me. The sheer amount of information I have to navigate is overwhelming; every question is entirely unique, and I'm beginning to feel really stupid and out of sorts. It's not rocket science, just selling hotel rooms-- any advice on how to stay calm and collected??",Anxiety +51932,"I’m Afraid My Mom Might Hurt Me So the preface, I’m someone in my early twenties living with my parents. My parents have been fighting for years, occasionally physically. This would usually include my mom knocking in my dad’s door to argue with him. These arguments would usually start with topics that included bills, taxes, or myself, that would eventually escalate to more personal matters I will not get into too much here. I used to try to intervene when things got too heated since they can’t stop themselves, but recently I have decided not to so anymore as the last time I tried to intervene, my mom did physically attack me (I didn’t get hurt, I was just standing in front of my dad and she lurched at me). + +Last night, she called me to ask if I could knock on my dad’s door, since he wasn’t responding to her calls, because she “needed to pay a bill.” I knew that this wasn’t just about a bill, so I compromised and sent him a text instead, I even sent her a screenshot as proof. And I wasn’t going to call him/wake him up in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency, as I would consider it to be rude to do so. + +She then says “don’t worry your little head about, go back to sleep or whatever, okay?” + +Then, she called me again, this time saying “What are the consequences gonna be? Knock on the fucking door.” I declined, saying I don’t want to be a part of whatever was going on between them, and she should talk to him about this, to which she said “I know. He’s your loving dad, and I’m the evil mom.” + +I said goodnight to her, she laughs and responded with “not goodnight. Good bye.” + +I say that I will talk to her tomorrow, and she replies “I’ll never talk to you again. Not tomorrow, not the next day, or the next.” + +She then calls me twice then immediately hangs up. + +She calls me one more time that night, here are the things she said when I declined to knock on my dads door again: + +“I ask you to do one simple thing, and you didn’t do it. It’s just a simple thing! I tried calling your dad, and he isn’t answering me. It’s not like you’re picking sides or anything! Translation: “Look at what I do for you! And yet, you can’t this simple task for me? Well then I will rescind my love for you!” + +“It’s not like you’re picking sides or anything!” + +“You’re full of shit, just like him (my dad).” + +“Where has your dad been all of your life?” + +“You need to take responsibility.” + +“Is this what one of your councilors told you to say, the one that I pay [x amount of money, I don’t exactly remember].” + +“You don’t even know what is going on.” + +“But fine. You can do whatever- go to sleep, wake up in the morning, do whatever you do.” + +Me: “ok. Goodnight, mom.” + +And finally, I said goodnight to her, and she said: “Don’t call me mom. Just say good night.” + +That’s not to say my dads innocent either or anything - he’s hella toxic and has treated my mom poorly as well, so it is hard to tell where the abuse and victimization starts and ends between the two of them. Basically, they’re both each others abusers and victims, if that makes any sense at all. + +But I do believe he is the safer parent, as although he can, at his worst, make me feel very uncomfortable to be around him, as he is kind of an asshole at times, I don’t feel like my safety is threatened around him, unlike with my mom. He’s a lesser of two evils , if you will. + +So I just feel really anxious right now. I did not want to be used as a pawn against dad, and my mom immediately associated me with him. So, now I’m afraid that when she comes home, she will start to treat exactly like she treats dad, or worse. I’m afraid she might start pounding my door and attacking verbally and physically. + +Okay that is all, I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading this.",Anxiety +51933,"Something is wrong with me... (Trigger warning) I'm becoming numb and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm not diagnosed with anxiety, but I know I have it. Even being aware, I don't feel better. It sucks. I'm a good person. I don't say that a lot but I am. Why is this happening to me? Overthinking every stupid thing, nail-biting, the constant hatred for myself and others. It doesn't help. As a kid, I've always known that something is wrong with me. But I'm too scared to tell my parents because if it's confirmed, it means I'm sick. I am not okay and I want help. But I'm so used to being the person who helps not being helped. I always put on a fake smile and am never in a bad mood; no one suspects it. + +I feel so alone. I should be used to it but ever since I've got friends, I want to spend time with them. It doesn't help because we have a huge fight and I keep overthinking it. I wanted to feel better because I somehow convince myself my feelings are fake and that I'm doing it for attention. So, I took a pathology test, and the result was too much for me. The questions felt so attacking and my stomach hurt every time I clicked a yes or a no. The result was that it is 90 % sure I have anxiety. My stomach dropped seeing that. While I was happy, I was right at some point, I felt retarded. That realization that is actually something wrong with me was horrifying. I don't mean to degrade anyone, but I felt horrible.",Anxiety +51934,"Speaking. I can’t for the life of me talk to people. I instantly think that if I talk to them I’ll annoy them. I feel like a burden if I do talk about how I feel, but if I don’t then I get told to talk about my feelings. Even talking to someone in passing is terrible. I put words together in my head but I say something completely different.",Anxiety +51935,"How can I decrease my anxious thoughts? Everyday I overthink things and make myself anxious by doing so. Thoughts like ""are they talking about me?"" ""Do they hate me?"" ""Am I doing this right?"" And stuff like that. A lot of thoughts are just me being anxious that I'm a horrible person. What can I do to decrease/have better reactions to these anxious thoughts?",Anxiety +51936,Possible trigger warning / anxiety over tongue Having bad anxiety over my tongue. I have on the side of my tongue this white thing and I tried getting it out but it's hard and I'm having anxiety over what it can be I've never seen this before if anyone can relate please,Anxiety +51937,"Has anyone tried EMDR therapy? I just started. If so, what are your thoughts? I like it so far but mostly just because it triggers my ASMR. + +Did you have success?",Anxiety +51938,"Scared to ask mom for things because of judgement +Ok so kinda a weird post, and I’m not sure if it belongs here, but I figured this sub was probably the best one for it. I also tried the social anxiety sub, but my post was instantly removed. So basically I have this huge fear of asking my mom for things because I think she will judge me for them. I don’t have this fear around anyone else (I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks of me) but for some reason I have it with her. I’m not talking about little things like asking for something at the store or asking for basically any necessity. I’m talking about bigger things like hair dye, piercings, or really anything to do with clothing. For example, recently I worked up the confident to ask her over text if I could dye my hair, which she is fine with, however later that day when she asked me to show her pictures of what I want, I chickened out and got to scared to show her. It’s like I knew she would say yes, but I was still to scared to show her because I was afraid she’d say something judgmental to me. She has always been sorta judgmental towards me but I really want to get over this fear because it prevents me from getting a lot of the things I really want. Is there anything I can do?",Anxiety +51939,I had a mini win ! Hello everyone I hope you’re okay. I was just playing FIFA and boom a big palpitation hit I started to panic felt lightheaded because I was holding my breath because I was so tense and then calmed down. I have had my heart checked 7 times 2 of which are private best testing ones and it’s perfect so I know it’s not going to harm me but still catches me off guard I think it’s more of the fact I was leaning forward that it felt harder and the fact I was breathing in lol. Anyway ! I was laying in bed thinking I need to just once and for all get over all of the symptoms that are making me scared of being I’ll and dying. How can I do that ???? GET OVER MY FEAR OF DYING now I’m not saying I’m perfectly fine with death because I am not but I just thought to myself I can’t stop death and I just need to accept it. If there isn’t a god I won’t know about dying after if there is a God I could go to heaven which is great and who knows I could reincarnate and live life again. We don’t know so it’s the anxiety of not knowing which scares me and leaving my family behind. Like I say I’m a healthy 22 year old male with NO health conditions death can happen at anytime and could happen the next minute but for my age and health it is unlikely but never zero. Now I’m religious and I am sort of anxious in my mind that God is trying to get me to accept death so I can die soon lol but I don’t wanna die soon that’s why I’m scared off. That’s just my anxious mind thinking right ? I guess the positive way of looking at it is that God is getting me to get over my fear of death so I can live the LONG HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE that he put out for me. Can anyone help me accept death even more ?,Anxiety +51940,"Feel the feelings Going through a really challenging situation atm and it's made me realise I've been avoiding tough feelings for a long time, maybe all my life. + +Now that I see this am trying to just let them flow, and breathe through it, but it's really really hard, and it hurts, and is scary, and my avoidance habits are strong. + +I'll keep trying, but if anyone has any advice / experience with this that you can share, the support would be very welcome.",Anxiety +51941,"27 yo with severe anxiety living with parents fails at life +Hey r/anxiety, + +I am in a very tough spot rn, i was working towards becoming a teacher for 7 years, started my teaching certification programme (in my country you need to do this), but after 3 weeks I was so anxious of all the people i constantly had to deal with that i started suffering from constant belly pain, diarrhea, insomnia. So after spending 4 weeks on sick leave i decided i want to quit and try to focus on my mental health first and maybe find a small job (like a 10 h job) in order to be slowly introduced into regular work life while getting support from therapy and social services (the 10 h job idea was from my therapist because i havent had a job except for a summer job when i was 18 which was very traumatic because the boss constantly berated me, made fun of me and humiliated me). +I still live with my parents who have financially supported me throughout my studies (tho till i was 25 my health insurance was free and they got tax benefits and child benefits from me still living with them, if i had moved out i would have been entitled to support by them, my divorced father had to pay me 112 € a month for instance) and to them me quitting because i just can't work with children and a ton of colleagues and the constant stress of being judged and evaluated and dealing with maladjusted kids supposedly is understandable. However they demand of me to immediately get a full-time or 30 hour job so i can move out ASAP in potentially a field i have little experience in and they say i shouldnt become unemployed and rely on social services because it would look bad on my CV. +Because i was struggling to find a field that would interest me within a week of deciding to quit teaching and me offering to apply for a 10 h job at a library (smth i wanted to do before but my applications failed sadly) as a transitionary period my mother basically screamed daily at me the last couple days saying i should get a job and gtfo and stop acting like a child when i started crying, shaking and feeling like i was about to throw up. She says she is entitled to her financial support paying off after all this time and that i should get a job like a normal person and support myself. + +As a result of this constant yelling and screaming and ranting i havent been able to sleep for days, i have lost 3 kg of weight, lack any appetite, have to get up every night cus of diarrhea and havent slept more than 3 hours most nights. Yday i proposed the idea with the 10 hour job and my mother reacted as if i was telling her a bad joke and said i should be ashamed for even suggesting such a thing. In her rage she said i should gtfo she doesnt care if it's social housing or a homeless shelter and that she didnt financially support me to become a work-shy leech. So in my panic i phoned a bunch of social services just in case so i would know my options. Today she came in tears to me and said she was just very concerned about my future. Yday I talked to my doctor and my therapist about the potentiality of getting kicked out and they asked if i could go somewhere to get away from this situation so i can recover a bit like i was supposed to during my sick leave, so i decided today to leave for my boyfriend's place who is still a student and also lives with his parents but in a different country (we are in EU so travelling is no problem). I have some money left from my teaching job that i could give them if they ask for it (i was paying my fam 250 € a month from the teacher pay), so i wouldnt be freeloading while i stay there. +I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for a few weeks now but have had very little success. I have been in therapy since november and been on sick leave since late february. I think if i had stayed i would have become suicidal as i was noticing myself starting to go numb and dissociate whenever i was being yelled at. After explaining my situation to my doctor she said she couldnt let me leave without asking if i have sucidial thoughts because in that case she would have recommended sending me to a clinic. + +Some questions are plagueing me now however... am i a coward? Am i doing the right thing? Am i a lazy leech like my parents call me or just too mentally ill to work a proper job for now? + +What do you guys think about my situation am i doing the right thing? What should i have done in your opinion? Kind of asking as a reality check",Anxiety +51942,"I feel physically sick whenever I open up to someone + +Whenever I open up and share my feelings my body feels physically sick and exhausted. Like it physically hurts. I feel so vulnerable like an open wound. I basically start shaking and feel nauseous whenever I do share myself. + + +I’m terrified of opening up, whenever I do I,ll just get shamed or ghosted. It feels like hell because it’s hard enough to put myself out there in the first place. + +It’s not even just deep stuff. Whenever I simply text someone I worry I’m bothering them and feel really embarrassed + +I’m afraid of getting close to new people because what if they end up changing their minds get bored and ghost me? I’m afraid of being forgotten about",Anxiety +51943,"Is this disassociation? For the past couple months now I’ve been having this weird feeling in my body like my mind and and my body are on a different course like my movements are almost robotic and my mind is losing control of my body. Ik people typically associate this with dissociation but I still feel in control and recognize and I’m mindful of the fact that I am the one controlling my movements but idk it’s hard to explain it just feels like a lack of connection between the two and at certain times it’s so bad I feel Im just going to lose control of my body completely. I’ve also been experiencing some feelings of being off balance, muscle tension, headaches, RLS, and brain fog and I’m starting to wonder if my fears really are anxiety or something worse. I saw a doctor and she told me it is probably stress related but I’m just having a hard time with all of this I’m seeing neurologist later this month but I just feel so restless and like I’m living in agony and losing my mind I wanted to see if anyone has gone through something similar and can offer any advice, Thanks.",Anxiety +51944,"Am I being too hard on myself? I'm putting myself through a university undergraduate degree as a mature student (25) and I just had my grades improve over the last two semesters. But this semester... +My father in law had emergency surgery in January. +I got approved for breast reduction surgery in February and had it done March 21st (this past Tuesday) and now I have to drop 1 course out of 3 because I'm failing it and can't keep up (it's an elective that's not in my field of study). +I think the stress of that course will jeprodize my recovery, but my stress isn't gone. Due to my Fs in that course, I'm second guessing myself. I have an interview this coming Tuesday to be a research assistant and have to submit a writing sample and I feel inadequate. Even though I get really high marks on my papers in my field. + +I feel like I'm not allowed to be proud of myself. To be optimistic or excited. I feel like I have to be hard on myself instead of encouraging. I sound delusional asking if I'm being too hard on myself because I know the answer... But I can't let myself believe it.",Anxiety +51945,"10 years of Celexa/Lexapro and thinking of making the switch to Zoloft I’ve noticed the frequency of stressful events leading to anxiety cycles and acute depression has been quite alarming and figured, maybe the meds have finally pooped out. + +I’m in therapy, I’m doing yoga, I’m keeping busy, I’ve got a loving partner; it’s just this lil demon in my head seems to be gaining more and more +experience points and has been gaining a foothold on my day to day. + +Thoughts or opinion of those who have been meds this long? + +Thanks!",Anxiety +51946,Does anyone else feel like their heart is being tickled and making you cough? I’m wondering if anyone else ever has this. Usually when I breathe out or push on it it starts to get tickly. More so when I think about it. I’ve gotten an EKG done a few days ago and it came back normal so I guess that helps ease my mind a little bit. I told the doctor I’ve been having chest pains and she told me it was costochondritis because it hurt when she pressed on my chest. I guess it would calm me down more if someone could relate.,Anxiety +51947,"New to this. Need coping skills Hello, I am new to this community, but I wanted some help. + +I’ll start with some context. I’ve always been a person that throws up and a lot of the time it was when I was nervous. This past year tho it has gotten much worse, with a time where I even went to the hospital because I hadn’t eaten in like 2 days and I felt so physically exhausted and dehydrated. At first I thought it was from weed and something called CHS, but quitting weed didn’t really make a difference. I also have delt with this vommiting in highschool before I would go to a party I would get so nervous I would puke. And that was before I ever touched weed. + +This led me to go to a gastro doctor who said he did not think it was weed related and instead some inflammation in intestines. I’ve been on meds for that for 3 months but it was getting better and I really started to take my anxiety seriously so I went to my doctor and they prescribed me an SSRI. I also will start therapy in a few weeks here. For the past month (after about 1.5 month on SSRI) I have been doing better. I hadn’t thrown up for a month, but these past 2 nights I have had very panic attack like feelings and tonight even pushed me to the point where I had to get up from being comforted by my girlfriend to throw up. And I always feel awful about it and like it’s going to just keep happening and I think I get stuck in that cycle. + +Does anyone have any tips/advice on dealing with this before my therapy appointment I thought I was doing so good but now I’m afraid I’m slipping back.",Anxiety +51948,"Scared to start Lexapro I have a crippling anxiety disorder and I’ve been prescribed Lexapro. I have GAD but I’ve noticed my anxiety has always been around my health, especially my heart. It’s gotten so bad that I barely leave the house and I’m afraid to exert myself which is depressing because I used to be a gym rat and exercising was what I used to do help cope with my anxiety but that’s not something I can do anymore, Atleast In my mind I can’t. This has really intensified over this past year after dealing with multiple panic attacks that have landed me in the ER and I’ve been getting a bunch of physical symptoms constantly that does not help with my worrying. I’ve had many tests done and the doctors are very reassured that I’m healthy. My Doc believes the Lexapro will help me but I can’t seem to find the courage to take it. I’m just so terrified of it, I’d really appreciate some encouragement to start my meds because I high key hate living like this .😭",Anxiety +51949,,Anxiety +51950,"A reminder that progress isn't linear and that's okay! I felt like my anxiety had gotten worse lately and that I had gone backwards. This made me feel extremely discouraged and a sense of doom, until I saw this quote. I wanted to share in hopes that it will help others too. Don't be so harsh on yourself, anxiety is a curse that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had any lol) + +Take care x",Anxiety +51951,"Tips on how to accept my symptoms are just anxiety and start living again?? The last month has been such a struggle for me. I started having panic attacks where my heart rate would spike to 150-180. I went to my doctor in case it wasn’t anxiety and just had my Holter Monitor results come back. I had one of these attacks while on it and thankfully no dangerous rhythms were found. Just some high rates but not sustained so my doctor is unconcerned. So once again, this is all anxiety. + +My therapist thinks it’s because I started a new job last month and I’m falling back into my old health anxiety habits because “Stress compounds symptoms”. + +This has gotten so bad that the past week I haven’t even been able to leave my bed out of fear of my heart getting too high. Due to probably the fear when I cooked or did dishes my heart rate could get up to 130 then if I noticed and began to worry it went up to 160. + +Now that I know I’m fine I thought I’d be okay but I’m still constantly watching my smart watch to see how high my heart rate gets then panicking when I see it go above 120 from just walking around the house but when I’m calm it doesn’t go over like 110. This happened on the Holter and it was normal. I know this is just anxiety but I can’t stop obsessing that I have a heart issue that’ll kill me. + +I just need help to take the smart watch off and stop taking my blood pressure. It’s just making everything worse. Yesterday alone, according to my logs, I took my blood pressure 50 times. I was worried because my bp was low when standing yet my heart rate was high so I thought it was dangerous. It happened again this morning and my heart rate got to 165. This constant checking is driving me crazy and ruining my life. How do I stop this??",Anxiety +51952,"Any tips for dealing with white coat hypertension? Any time I get my bp taken it’s always high as I’m basically on the verge of a panic attack. + +I know it’s going to be high bc I get nervous that’ll be high and quite honestly I’m a fit guy with big arms so the cuff always gets uncomfortably tight, which makes me more nervous and turn I know that means we’ll have a convo about my high bp again …which is what I was dreading in the first place. + +So fellow anxiety suffers, do you have any tips to combat white coat BP?",Anxiety +51953,Panic attacks have returned - what to do? I’ve had anxiety for years but no panic attacks in yeaaaaaars. However panic attacks have returned in the last 8 weeks and they’re awful. I forgot how bad they are. I’ve been reading deep breathing and breath work doesn’t super help and I know that to be true - but what else do you do during one? Do you just focus on your breathing however it is? How do you calm down the panic attack? The physical symptoms are awful!,Anxiety +51954,"Health anxiety i've noticed that over the last year i've become super anxious when it comes mine and my loved ones health, i think it's because my husband had bells palsy early last year. + +Since then anything will trigger me!! literally anything. I was picking at a mole (didnt realize) and it started bleeding and got itchy and now I have this anxious feeling in my stomach even tho i know IM the one who picked at it. + +I feel like even though my brain is like yes u picked at, u probably dont have anything to worry about - that anxious feeling in my stomach is still there. + +Other times if i have a headache it goes to the worst outcome. I make doc appts every so often but I also don't want to be that person who shows up so frequently for nothing and waste my docs time. + +Im really starting to feel hopeless and like Im going to live with this anxious feeling forever. + +I guess.. any advice?",Anxiety +51955,"is it normal for an SSRI to make you feel like you're literally dying I was prescribed 50 mg Zoloft for anxiety and depression which I took for the first time last night. What followed was the most excruciatingly painful and unbearable 12 hours of my life. I threw up anything I ate, heart was pounding nonstop, my entire body was numb, and I couldn't sleep without being constantly woken up by stomach pain or nausea. Pretty much all the anxiety symptoms I normally get except all at once and multiplied 100x. At certain points I honestly felt like I was about to die or pass out. +I know people say that it gets worse before it gets better but nothing could have prepared me for this. I don't think I'm gonna take another dose until I can talk with my psychiatrist and be absolutely certain this won't happen again. Anyone else have a similar experience or am I just really fucking unlucky",Anxiety +51956,"I am feeling anxious about a new coworker. (TW: Past experience with a stalker briefly mentioned) I'm sorry, but this is a long one. It's a bit of a weird story but I'm hoping that someone might be able to give me advice on what to do. Just over a month ago, I (female, cashier) got a new coworker (male, bagger) at the grocery store I work at. It took a while before we had a conversation together; he was helping me and asked me what kind of music I like. I was honest, and said that I like most genres and that I sometimes enjoyed listening to 20s and 30s jazz music. Then he just kept talking about old music at me for the next few days and seemed to always be distracted when it came to work. I don't like to talk much while I'm working because I feel like I mess up more when I do. So I began to feel anxious about being around him since I didn't know how to tell him I didn't want the conversation to continue every time we saw each other. + +Then, a few days ago, he randomly asked me for my number in front of a bunch of customers while we were supposed to be working. I had a bad experience the last time I gave my number out to someone (the guy turned out to be a stalker who harassed me for weeks and told everyone that we were in a relationship when we weren't, wouldn't stop calling me, tried to turn me against my family, etc.) and I immediately felt freaked out about why this guy would want my number when we don't know each other at all. It felt really inappropriate and unprofessional to me. I told him that we were busy and shouldn't be having that conversation right then (mainly because I didn't know how to say no in the moment) and that we could talk when we were done helping customers. But he continued to ask me repeatedly for throughout the next hour or so. He ended up writing his number down at some point and gave it to me, telling me when he was off that day and to immediately text him my number when he was off (this is while I was talking to a customer). Once we were done with all of the customers, I told him the truth: that I didn't want to give him my number and how I had had bad experiences in the past that started with giving my number to a guy I barely knew. He seemed to understand and then avoided me the rest of the day. So I thought everything was going to be fine. + +However, the next day, I started noticing that he seemed to be getting more clingy with me. He wouldn't be focused on doing his job and would stick around me as much as possible. He has a habit of sticking to my register instead of helping other cashiers like he's supposed to; he also seems to get bothered if another bagger is helping me and he tries to take over bagging for me immediately. I often notice him watching me from across the room. Every conversation we have is awkward. I don't initiate them because I want him to leave me alone so I can work. When he's not talking to me, it seems like he isn't really talking to our other coworkers that much. + +But then, the other day, I had a bit of a scary experience. I was going on break and went to our break room. He was in there and had headphones in, so I didn't think he saw me. After a few minutes, I went to the bathroom across the hall. When I came out a few minutes later, the room was empty. I suddenly hear loud footsteps running down the hall and he barges into the room, half-yelling my name just to show me a song from the 1800s for some reason. I'm worried that he might have been waiting outside the bathroom for me, which makes me kind of scared to be at work right now. I don't like being alone with him. Today, I spent the majority of my breaks hiding in the bathroom, worried he might bother me if I went anywhere else. + +I know that the anxiety I feel isn't healthy, and I can't tell if I'm just paranoid from past experience or if there really could be a real issue here. I don't know if I should talk to him, a manager, or HR about this. I thought that maybe I should just say nothing and act less nice to him and see if he leaves me alone, but I'm worried that it could just make things worse. I could really use some advice if anyone has some. Because I really can't tell if he's just trying to be friendly and doesn't realize he's making me uncomfortable or if there is something potentially more creepy going on.",Anxiety +51957,"I am having a extremely large amounts of anxiety for a person. I (17F) am in my senior year of high school. I’ve sort of always been anxious, especially about people. Any time ANYTHING happens to someone I care about, even a little bit, I get such bad anxiety that I am often unable to focus on other things. + +So, as I said, in high school. When I first started high school, life was a mess. What’s important to know is that I had just made a massive transition and had come out of the closet. Not a lot of support from family, but that’s okay. + +In my particular HS, we have a home room class, and you have that teacher for home room for all 4 years. When I met my home room teacher, she was incredibly kind. For all 4 years, she continued to be this way. She made cards for everyone birthday, talked to me when I was rejected romantically for the first time, and always listened. We talked to each other while getting ready for the day nearly every day for the last two years. + +This week, she’s been absent. Very strange. Then, on Wednesday, she says in a slide prepared for the sub that she’s out on medical leave for the next few weeks. It wasn’t planned, you could tell from the way she talked in the slides of the previous days. + +I find out that she’s in the hospital, but fine. INSTANTLY, I’m full of anxiety, feeling like my soul was removed from my body. I’m just worried, like, a lot. I KNOW she’s fine, as far as everyone knows. I also led an effort for a “Get Well Soon” card, being given to her by another teacher she’s friends with. I don’t really know how to just patiently wait for the 3-4 weeks until she gets back. + +I’d also like to say that I KNOW she’s fine. My brain does not seem to feel the same way, especially when I’m not actively doing something distracting. + +TL;DR my teacher is sick and in the hospital and I have a strangely large amount of anxiety, even though everyone says she’s fine.",Anxiety +51958,"Anxiety Causing Excessive Urination Hello everyone, i was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder at age 7. Im able to manage most of the symptoms with natural remedies except one which is excessive urination. SSRIs & Anxiety Meds do not help if anything they make it worse. Im now 27 and still suffering from the symptom. I have no physical illnesses and have seem numerous doctors and specalist and theyve said that everything is normal. It has recently started interferring with work and im now at risk of being fired from my job because they can not accommodate, even though i have a doctors note, they said the excessive restroom trips are causing business interruptions. I cant go to amusement parks, concerts, long road trips or hiking/walking trails because ill have the sensation of needing to go pee. Most of the time when i do go nothing really comes out...Does anyone else suffer from this or has suffered from it or have any solutions??",Anxiety +51959,"I am sad that a teenager blocked me from viewing his story. I (23F) have a pretty okay relationship with my boyfriend's (24M) family. His mom is a devote Christian and her and I are pretty close and his brother (let's call him Jake) and I are okay as well. + +&#x200B; + +I follow the little brother who is 16 on Instagram and we occasionally interact (liking stories, pics,etc). Yesterday I remembered that my friends and I created a 'burner' account 3 years ago that we used to look and follow people we didn't know (crazy I know). + +&#x200B; + +Anyways, I noticed that Jake was following this burner. I looked at his profile as saw a bunch of stuff posted that I have never seen before. It was typical teenage boy stuff like rap music, middle fingers in pictures, etc. but nothing that I haven't seen before. I realized that I was blocked from viewing these stories and unblocked whenever he posted other stuff. I instantly started to feel sick and uneasy at the thought him blocking and unblocking me each time. I even felt a little teary. I thought, does he think I am uncool? Old? Did he think I was going to tell his mom? I also post things with cursing etc. so I really felt confused. I know in reality it is really not that deep because I too have older adults in my life 'blocked' from viewing my story but the feeling I felt was uncontrollable. + +I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have felt similar to this in other occasions and another user asked if I had rejection sensitive dysphoria. I am not sure if I do. + +&#x200B; + +TLDR: Boyfriend's little brother blocked me from viewing his story and I instantly started to feel uneasy.",Anxiety +51960,"having a really bad anxiety night too anxious to sleep, but i’m exhausted from not getting enough sleep last night. just feeling really helpless right now. + +if anyone is reading this and going through a similar thing, i hear you. you’re not alone. just gotta tough out the rough patches, this too shall pass.",Anxiety +51961,"College Student w/ Anxiety: Dating Life I first developed severe anxiety and panic disorder in my senior year of high school. I can proudly say that with perseverance, proper medication, and the help of my lovely therapist, family, and friends, I was able to complete my senior year and begin college in the fall. I’ve taken a liking to this guy in my class, and we will hang out this weekend. I am very inexperienced in the dating world as I’ve only really gone out with three guys ever… none of which lasted more than a few months. Though I had not been diagnosed with anxiety in my sophomore year of high school, I began dating this guy whom I was pretty infatuated with. However, the first time he put his arm around me, I shook uncontrollably. I misread that as a sign that he wasn’t suitable for me when it was just anxiety. Fast forward to now, I am anxious about seeing this guy this weekend, and I am scared that these feelings of fear won’t go away even if we continue to see each other. Has anyone else been through this? What should I do? I don’t want to be limited from dating but l my body is giving me unclear signals of what to do.",Anxiety +51962,dae get chills? like just randomly? all over their body or on one part/side,Anxiety +51963,"Oh anxiety, you are weird sometimes. 6 to 7 years ago I was diagnosed with GAD/PTSD. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with adhd. I have managed it all this time with no medicine, and I have been fine with for the most part. The only time my anxiety would rise a little bit is when it was triggered by stress. Which then I knew I just had to balance it out again. + +Well, this month ended up with heighten anxiety due to an allergic reaction being around seafood, one week later got a tooth pulled, 2 days later I was fussed at by an ER doctor, and then one week later after that I had anxiety reflux kick back so hard that it cause two days of back to back panic attacks. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t eat anything but rice and chicken, no meds, and being around doctors frighten me. I couldn’t manage to get myself out of that anxiety loop. + +Well I was finally about to get some hydroxyzine for “as needed dosage” 3 weeks later. My anxiety was down back to a manageable level but my fears were still there. I took one 25 mg pill in the evening. I got an euphoria feeling and drowsiness the whole next day along with diarrhea. Then all my anxiety was gone. I can eat food again without fear. I’m not scared to take meds again. + +This is the weirdest Anxiety is the moment I have ever dealt with. However, I’m now pondering if with my anxiety reflux being kicked up it had my stomach and brain a relay lap so when I took the hydroxyzine it suppressed that nerve in my stomach and it help my stomach feel better and then which stop the relay cycle. I guess that is something I will have to remember to ask my doctor.",Anxiety +51964,"Health anxiety / Zoloft side effects? I went off anxiety medication 8 months ago. Cut it cold turkey by accident (I was never told otherwise). Thankfully had no withdrawals or anything. I have severe, severe, severe health anxiety and I was doing really good up until a few months ago it started to get bad again- but I was managing. However, the past 2 weeks have been really really hard with my health anxiety and I knew I needed to finally get back on and I’m so happy to be back on. I had some stomach issues and I’m freaking out. I had blood in my stools and bad pains in my pelvis. I also for the past 2 months have had a dull ache in my upper left abdomen. Had some blood and stool tests and all was good. Today is day 2 is taking my medication (Zoloft) and I have a weird, nauseating feeling in my throat/chest. It feels exactly like when you get super giddy and your chest/throat squeals with excitement. But I don’t feel excited- I feel so anxious. It’s almost like I have to gag or dry heave. Can the Zoloft be causing this? I had no side effects last time I was on it so it’s weird. My anxiety is going crazy because I’m afraid it has to do with my other symptoms.",Anxiety +51965,"Anxiety sucks help I was eating a honey bun and while chewing felt something of a different consistency, like wadded paper. Well it was a sorta brownish color square less than an inch tall. it was wadded up and now my anxiety is having a field day. it has been about 30 minutes or so...I am just scared",Anxiety +51966,"Mood tracking apps I've got therapy starting up soon and I have bad mood swings but I forget them a lot too and I need to track them. + +Does anybody know good app that lets you put more then one mood in a day?",Anxiety +51967,Is anyone else scared that they are going to ban tiktok? It scares me that they're thinking of banning tiktok. Tiktok has been one of the only things that can calm down my anxiety and make me not stressed.,Anxiety +51968,"Actually you're a total badass Most people are mentally and emotionally sane, relatively at least. They might claim that the worry is all in your head, not understanding that your corporeal experience strongly suggests otherwise. They might tell you to think positive, because they don't have an inner voice that constantly gets drowned out by a huge stadium packed with negative objectors. They might take it rather personally when socializing is the very least thing you want to do, they could never imagine that them yapping on about their normal life drains your already depleted life-energy. Some of them might start all kinds of shit with you because they see you as a weak and opportune victim to unload their own shit towards, never realizing they're the real cowards. + +Some of them might truly want to help you out and tell you get therapy asap, then you might see some random bureaucrat person completely devoid of empathy struggling to stay awake while you pour you heart of desperately looking for some kind of assistance. Assistance that usually comes in form of dubious drugs that only work at a hefty price by the way So they advice you to go see some private expensive experts, unaware of the fact that your wallets suffers with you. They like to imply that you just chill the f out and relax. Because they don't have that intrusive, horrible, horrible, horrible, encompassing, joy-devouring, soul-obliterating, sucking, painful, torturous, uneasy pit of dread stuck right in their stomach with racing thoughts to boot. Perhaps they'll make sly remarks on how you need to just grow up, after all, they don't know how's it's like to think like an adult while emotionally reacting like a little fragile child scared to death. + +They might say go the gym or be physically active and get some endorphins running. To be fair, is actually solid advice if you can muster the strength to go there. Off course they have their problems too, the difference however is that your problem is you and how that you contaminate every aspect of your life. The point is, according to some of 'them' you're just a loser, useless, lazy, afraid, a waste of space, a failure with nothing to show for in life. They are so much better than you and intentionally or not they make you buy their version of you. + +However. It's just opinions from judgemental people at the end of the day. I don't want to you to waste any energy on harboring any resentment, envy or anger towards anybody, they just don't understand. How could they know the truth. Perhaps even you don't the truth about yourself, so I'm going to say it, just in case. + +You simply being here and keeping on makes you a tough as nails. A warrior that fights hordes of demons every day. Bravery is defined by the will to face fear, you have fear stuffed in your face all the time. You may suffer endless anxiety, but you as a matter of fact are courageous by the definition of the word. Doing your best to just keep going, that's it. It's not some lofty motivational speech, just a cold fact. + +It may not help you any bit to read this, but I for one will not let it be unsaid. Anxiety is bad enough in itself, so rather than feeling shame in addition you have earned the right to have pride in yourself. My intention is for you to keep that in mind on your darkest days, because I know very well what it's like to suffer anxiety while having your character measured by factors out of your control.",Anxiety +51969,"I think I‘m gonna pass out from anxiety I am absolutely spiraling about some things that happened today and I am very anxious about some things that‘ll happen in the next months. +Today my anxiety has reached its new peak. +I am extremely nauseous, lightheaded and it feels like there‘s a thousand butterflies in my chest. +It feels like I‘m about to pass out from anxiety and I don‘t know how to calm myself down. I‘ve tried to distract myself, but it doesn‘t work. +What can I do??",Anxiety +51970,"Is it anxiety and over thinking? Or is it intuition? How to know the difference? My partner has lied to me in the past and now anything that is remotely close to that topic makes me think he’s lying. And then I spiral and think I have to check his phone, then I think he deleted messages, then I need to check his Apple Watch, and then I think he may have used another form of contact and I start to feel like maybe I’m being illogical and crossing the line. In the moment, I feel like nothing can give me relief except for finding solid “proof.” + +I’m not proud of this behavior. I recently started therapy for my overall anxiety. Unfortunately it is hard to afford to have sessions often enough. + +Context: +He lied 1.5 years ago about something relating to a female coworker it was not infidelity. After lying, he was able to “prove” he was telling the truth. I feel 99% confident about it. Since then, he lied about about small things like not playing video games while on the phone. Idk I don’t want to damage my relationship with this but I also don’t want to be lied to again and turn a blind eye. + + +So how can I know if I am acting because of anxiety and overthinking opposed to following intuition and following my gut. My intuition is how I caught his initial lie.",Anxiety +51971,"Blood pressure/Heartrate First time posting here. For context, I suffer with anxiety (obviously), and also have bipolar and OCD parents. I find myself constantly obsessing over high blood pressure and high BPM. I'm a heavy set guy. I'm trying to be healthier, but I have a long way to go on that. Sometimes, hours of my day are spent stressing over whether my heart rate is too high, and when I do so, I find it usually makes it go higher. + +I hate going to the doctor because of it because I know my BP will be high, and I don't want to know how high. Today, I had to go to the doctor and ofc it was high, but I was also having a panic attack while they were checking it because of the nerves I have around the whole thing and already had to walk 3 miles just to get there. I wasn't even there over my blood pressure. Anyway, after the visit I was sobbing and hyperventilating the whole way home. I just don't know what to do. Obviously, I have to get it under control, but in the meantime I need to find some way not to obsess over it because it keeps triggering panic attacks.",Anxiety +51972,"Life I just wanna rant ab this cuz im embarrassed saying it irl because we all struggle and its not something special. i just hate how lifes going and might go. im find im just in college, i have a fine family situation and everything but man im just tired working, doing homework and whatnot. the fact that i have to keep working hard in both of these categories to succeed in the future makes me very anxious and i hate it. imma keep going tho i just hate it.",Anxiety +51973,"Derealization during good times? Does anyone else experience derealization during the good times? For example, Christmas, birthday parties, concerts. Like I tell myself “you need to soak this in” and then it feels like it barely even happened. Is this normal?",Anxiety +51974,"Do any of you feel restless about living even the simplest way? I’m anxious and worried all the time and I just can’t live like this Hello everyone, new to this community. Just wanted to know if how I feel is felt by someone else around the world. I’m just…tired. And not because of the spring air and everything. This last few months I’ve experienced record anxiety levels and they kind of stopped but it’s a loop, when I least expect it they come back. And for the silliest things too. I can’t enjoy any day anymore because of how bad the situation got. +I’m currently in therapy, I journal, I practice sport and meditate, I try to distract myself but anything seems to work. I’ve tried all the methods, I’ve read thousands of articles. I feel restless and it’s a feeling I’ve been carrying with me for quite a while now. My mind constantly works, elaborates stuffs even when it should shut down. +I used to dream a lot a few months ago, and now all I do is go to bed trying to empty my head before it hits the pillow. +Am I close to a burnout? +I can’t focus on studying because my mind is elsewhere. I just don’t know what to do anymore since I’ve tried everything I could. Do you have any suggestions or pieces of advice? Any techniques to calm the mind down that actually work? Thank you❤️.",Anxiety +51975,"Not sure how to not worry about potential internship I got a phone screening interview with a really big non profit, which I wasn't expecting. I did the call yesterday, and at the time I thought it went okay. They said they'd get back to me by end of day today or early Monday. It's 10pm EST now which is well over the end of the day, and I'm sure I didn't get it. + +I just keep thinking of everything that I did wrong. This internship could literally set me up well after graduation if I get it. I didn't even think I'd get a phone screen interview. But now I'm thinking if I did badly and I wasn't worth bringing into the next round.",Anxiety +51976,"Story About the time my teacher made me stand up to show my red face to show the class when I was emmbaressed So it was my biology class and it was one of those classes where I had none of freinds in and was extremely uncomfortable every lesson because alot of the time we were made to answer questions infront of the class or have to find partners and obviously me being awkward and with social anxiety I never j never had a partner. + +And because of this I always would get a red face from embarrasment and I guess she took notice because the time we we learning about why the face goes red she decided to ask me a question about it knowing my face would go red and once it did she said ""oh look it's happening now"" which obviously made it 10x worse and she littarly made me stand up and face the class it was one of the worst days of my school life. + +In her defence she was older and I doubt she evain knew how painful that was for me to do that but yeah just a random story I doubt anyone read this far lol.",Anxiety +51977,"Thumb twitching? Not sure if this is anxiety but it’s been doing this for a while + +https://streamable.com/q34ads",Anxiety +51978,"Why can't I believe what the doctors tell me? I (26 M) am super frustrated with myself, today I had a cardiologist appointment bc I have palpitations sometimes and my heart races randomly when I have acid reflux. The cardiologist did some blood pressure/pulse checks to rule out POTS and said I was fine on that front. The EKG came back great and he said my heart was in excellent shape. I even asked him to order a take home monitor for me just for some peace of mind and he was ok with that. I had an echocardiogram done about 1 year ago with a different cardiologist and everything came back great. Now as I get home from the doctor my anxious brain gets to plotting and is now worrying that ""He didn't order you another echocardiogram what if he's missing something"". My rational brain believes and trusts this doctor very much, but the anxiety part of my brain just wants to create more worry for any reason it can find. Can anyone give me some advice or insight? Is there even any Medical reason I would need a second echocardiogram 1 year later? I assume it detects defects that have been there probably from birth so a second one is probably pointless but it's hard to tell my anxious brain that. I Just want to believe the doctors when they give me positive news and believe that I'm fine. + +Edit: I should note I am very aware that I have health anxiety and I am currently in therapy for it already, It still bugs me though.",Anxiety +51979,I had anxiety over filling out my SSI and SSDI forms and they denied me because I never sent them in I don’t even know why I had so much trouble filling out the forms. I know that I have enough documentation and support to at least get an interview and talk to SSA but I couldn’t do it. They called me and sent me reminder letters and I even had a hard time opening those letters. I only have myself to blame for getting denied.,Anxiety +51980,Free counseling and support for anyone struggling with dependency issues Free counseling and support for anyone struggling with dependency issues in Los Angeles California,Anxiety +51981,"Benzos don’t work for me anymore?? I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine",Anxiety +51982,"Is this truly anxiety and depression? I’ve been really struggling for 3+ years now. My symptoms are down mood, EXTREME exhaustion no matter how +much I sleep, feelings of being on edge, feeling spaced out 24/7 like my mind is slow and foggy, feeling disconnected from myself and those around me, a bit dizzy or lightheaded, feeling no motivation and like everything feels hard, feeling as though I could loose my mind at any second and just general groggy and confused feeling even though I never do actually loose touch with reality. + +I have had blood work, brain MRI, every thing is normal! But truly I feel so strange and run down and frustrated every single day. + +Please, has anyone had these symptoms? Can they truly all be caused by poor mental health? And can they someday go away?? I am losing hope.",Anxiety +51983,"SAME TIME ANXIETY I’ve been dealing with some health issues that have left me with no answers so my anxiety has been THROUGH the roof - I’ve been dizzy and exhausted from my anxiety. + +But I’ve noticed my anxiety starts 5am waking me up from my sleep with a knot in my stomach, my heart beating out of my chest and an impending doom feeling…then I lay in bed deep breathing. Once I get out of bed I feel better. My anxiety is still there and then peeks from 12-3pm. Then around 5pm I am like a whole new person…no worries..enjoying my hobbies..eating as if I have no worries anymore. But then the whole process starts again the next day!! + +Anyone else?! How to stop this horrible cycle",Anxiety +51984,"stress ate and now i feel really poorly. anyone have tips on soothing the aches and nausea? **Just in case anyone needs a TW, there is talk of medication** + +**and in advance i'm sorry for any spelling errors** + +&#x200B; + +wasnt feeling well at all and started stress eating. i tried my stratergies that i do with my psychologist but today was just one of those days if you get what i mean. + +i've eaten too much, but a majority of what i've eaten is sugar which also gives me headaches when i eat a lot of it (also in case this is needed information; i dont get sugar high). + +idk if i can take nurofen or panadol (Panadol is a paracetamol i think, and i think nurofe contains ibprofen) for the headache because i'm on ritalin (methylphenidate) and Movox (Fluvoxamine, i think its called something else in america though and most people on reddit seem to be from the US) and idk if some pain killers are compatable with ritalin or movox. + +im also on a birth control to manage my periods (its called ""Evalyn"", i think im spelling it right, idk the science medication name off the top of my head though) but i know i can take pain killers with my BC. however it does cause mild indigestion. i though it'd be good to include this because the intestines and stomach are connected lol. + +the queasy feeling is really bothering me and i feel sickly. does anyone have any tips on what i can do to ease it? ive drank lots of water (both for the stomach ache/ queasiness and for the headache) and have my big water bottle next to me in case i need more, but it hasnt helped. just looking at anything food related is making me feel like im gonna throw up too. i've thought of sleeping it off but i struggle to nap during the day and i've already slept in a ton this morning so my body doesnt feel sleepy at all, i've tried putting ASMR on too but that isnt making me sleepy. + +would really appreciate if anyone knows how to help this. i might try looking more into wether i can safely take some pain killers or not (using reliable sources so that i can make sure i'll be safe) + +i'm also gonna ask on a medical related subreddit if i can take ritalin and movox with pain killers at the same time because it's really hard to find information online on my own. + +thank you to anyone who reads this and thank you to anyone who can help, means a lot to me",Anxiety +51985,"Anxiety and Weed Hi, looking for a bit of advice and experiences from r/anxiety here. + +Around Christmas I started to develop some kind of anxiety disorder and had a lot of panic attacks. For most of my life I've always been a little anxious and tended to overthink, but these symptoms were just much worse. Up to this point I've also been smoking weed, but not excessively, mostly once a week. After developing said disorder, weed now increases my symptoms, despite it never doing something like this before and it mostly calming me down. Even when I had a greenout, I mainly suffered physical symptoms. + +In response to my symptoms I started with autogenic training, a lot of introspection about my fears and stopped smoking for about a month. With this I got the worst of it under control. Since then I've been smoking a few times with mixed results, sometimes I get more anxious and panicky, but on other occasions it also felt like a normal high. + +Right now I still have some lingering symptoms that can be better or worse, depending on the day, so I'll definitely quit weed until I can resolve this. My question now is, if any of you here have suffered something similar and were you eventually able to smoke without getting anxious again? I'll be honest, I quit enjoyed being high, so that would be quite the bummer, but certainly not the end of the world. + +Thanks in advance!",Anxiety +51986,"Need Help. New here I have exams fast approaching everything was fine until one day my heart started to beat faster and rapidly and after that for the past 5 days everytime i try to sleep it races so fastly that i gasp for air. +Took an ECG it was normal. +I don't know what to do,feel like i might die in my sleep.",Anxiety +51987,"Referral Guidance Hi! +I am 19f and finally submitted to my local area's Wellbeing Service in the UK. I'm not diagnosed with anxiety (yet) but I'm finally taking the steps I need to in order to improve my quality of life. I guess I'm just looking for how it works and whether it takes as long as ADHD referral (I'm going to psychiatry UK for that, got referred in November and waiting for an appointment)? Any advice would be greatly appreciated 💜",Anxiety +51988,Face tingling/pressure? Anyone who has had this every day for like a month or more? I just started Prozac to deal with anxiety but I’m concerned.,Anxiety +51989,"Anticipatory anxiety ruined my chance at a vacation. I'm so tired of trying to fly and failing. 28M. + +I've had a lifelong fear of flying that feel well-prepared to take head-on, especially the fear I've had around taxiing and takeoff. I've flown before, but it's gotten harder to get through the process without running out of the airport dizzy, panicked and overwhelmed by guilt in the past few years. + +Specifically, I took a program called SOAR designed to help fearful flyers manage their fight/flight responses around takeoff and aviophobia, or *fears when the plane is in the air.* I felt confident in the last few weeks that I could do this. + +But as I lay on my side writing this, I realize I was completely unprepared for the anticipatory anxiety ahead of the flight. + +I woke up at 4 am this morning in a cold sweat. My extremities were numb. I couldn't get a 10-minute patch of sleep in without my stomach seemingly twisting into knots. The last 17 hours has been a waking nightmare of existing in a moderate to strong panic attack state. My appetite is nonexistent. I'm barely able to drink water. Every nerve in my body is screaming at me to tell my friends that I can't go on the spring break trip we planned. + +It's crazy, I'm a grad student and I have never felt as tired as I do now just spending this day holding myself back from tears and a full breakdown. + +I'm so tired that a beach doesn't sound nice right now. I just want to curl up in my bedroom with no direct sunlight, to sleep, to cry, to indulge in self-hatred for having a response this extreme to something so commonplace in life for a lot of people. A vacation is the one thing I need right now, but trying to take one via flying has destroyed me. I'm lucky that I had nothing to do today, because it was not going to get done. + +I don't know if this thread is a message in a bottle, but it helps to get it out. If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear it. + +I still want to fly, deaparately. It's one of the big things keeping me from living my life on my terms. But having to spend almost 48 hours in utter hell is not worth it.",Anxiety +51990,"My mom doesn’t care anymore I (24M) have been dealing with anxiety and treatment resistant depression for the past few years or so. It’s gotten very bad and my mental health has deteriorated as the days go on. I’ve started struggling with really bad brain fog and confusion and it’s really freaked me out lately. I’ve been unable to work since mid last year and still live with my brother and mom. My dad moved about 30 mins away a year and a half ago after my parents got divorced but they stayed friends. + +The past few months have been hell, dealing with the brain fog on top of the other issues, and not being able to find a doctor to take me seriously. I’m surely at a loss. My mom has began dating again and is legitimately obsessed with online dating. Buying every membership to every site imaginable, talking to a different guy every night and most nights she’s going out. Now this probably wouldn’t bother me but when I have so much going on, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. + +I was always extremely close to my mom, she has always been there for me but lately she really doesn’t even seem to care. Her only worry is that “I’m afraid you’re going to hurt yourself” but she doesn’t want to do anything to help me. She told me this morning that she wants me to go stay with my dad and I’m so hurt. I’ve lived here for 24 years and I just want to feel clear headed again. Idk what to do and I feel like my parents hate me. I honestly feel like I have nobody. + +I do go out with friends a lot of nights or just hangout to get out of the house, I workout so it’s not like I’m just sitting at home waiting for her. But you can’t even have a conversation with her without her staring at her phone. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it and I can’t imagine losing my parents emotionally. I’m at a loss.",Anxiety +51991,"Fear of future and spouses death Reacently the realisation, that our lifes are finite hitted me really hard. All day I can only think that probably some day I will become a widow (just statistics) and its ruining my life. I cannot enjoy my current life because of this. I love my husband insanely and the thought of losing him some day, even if its many years afar seems devastating. I cannot imagine my life without him. I dont know what to do anymore. I can only pray that I die first.",Anxiety +51992,"Politics has made me anxious again, I just want something to finally go right. Hello. + +So my country is going to have an election in the fall. Politics used to stress me out much more in the past; I've since then cut a lot of the sites that were stressing me out and most days, I feel pretty good and don't really worry about it that much. My country has been ruled by religious extremists who are incredibly bigoted for eight years now- I'm so tired of their constant discriminatory comments, blatant disregard for any sort of decency and integrity and they overall just make me so tired and anxious and sad. They've started to rule when I was a teen, and I'm a young adult and they're still at the helm. It seems like they will win this year again, and another, even more extreme religious conservatist party has a chance at becoming the third biggest power. + +I fell into a mental hole and I can't get out of it. I know that the elections will be in the fall and it's early spring, but I just feel so depressed and powerless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that it will always just be horrible. I know that it's my brain making a bigger deal out of it than it should, but I'm just so tired of it all- can at least one thing go how I want politically? + +How do you deal with feelings like these?",Anxiety +51993,"worst panic attack ever My cat just got put to sleep. My anxiety is through the roof, I feel like crying, but every time I start to cry I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. My anxiety is extremely physical, I just felt like I had a literal heart attack. My chest felt extremely funny, it hurt, my heart started to race, I got really dizzy and my legs and hands went numb and tingly. I don’t know what to do, I have had panic disorder for a year now, but this has to be the worst panic attack to date. +Please help me",Anxiety +51994,"Are my anti-depressants not working? I’ve (22F) have been on anti-depressants since I was 14, but I’ve never felt 100% better. I switched from Zoloft to Celexa about 2 years ago, and I’m currently taking the max dose of Celexa, but I still get pretty bad bouts of depression and anxiety at least a couple of times per week. I’m in therapy so I know of a variety of coping measures that I can take, such as exercise, journaling, spending time with friends/family, and breathing techniques, but none of those things seem to work. I don’t have any major problems or stressors in my life either, I’m just depressed for no reason 2-5 days per week. + +Does this mean that my anti-depressants aren’t working, or do I just kinda need to suck it up? I’m scared to try new anti-depressants bc of the withdrawals and potential worsening of my depression, so I’m not sure what the best thing for me is to do.",Anxiety +51995,"Anxious about whether my dog bit the postman or not lol I'm scared my dog bit my postman when I'm not at home. My granny had dementia and by the looks of it opened the door for postman. Usually she slightly opens the door to not let the dog out but I'm scared she let him out. + +My dog has never bit another person before and only barks at them. One time my uber came through the back and he only barked his head off him hut the uncertainty is killing me. As far as I know Australia doesn't kill dogs off first attempts but I'm still scared.",Anxiety +51996,"Quitting Zoloft first day. I’m spiraling, what do I do? I need help. Please I need so much help. I took it at 9:30 pm last night. The first hour I felt amazing, then i went to sleep. I woke up and I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. Everything was moving in slow motion. I had so much anxiety that it felt like my chest was burning. I couldn’t feel my own heartbeat. I was able to go back to sleep but I feel the same thing now, it’s been 22.5 hours later. My head feels like it wants to explode. I’m dizzy and off balance. Cant stop shaking. I want to vomit my brains out. So much anxiety it hurt so bad. + +I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow. they told me not to take the second dose. 50mg. I’ve never been on any medicine before. My body hates it. I just want this to stop please. + +My question is how long will it be until I stop feeling this way? I want this feeling gone. My head is so heavy. What do I do?",Anxiety +51997,"I can’t even vent to my friends and family anymore because they’ll definitely think I’m crazy :( I have terrible anxiety from exams. Especially after the exam is over, I make scenarios in my head like I’m going to fail or get accused of cheating by the monitor because they told me to stop talking twice. This time, I forgot to write down the time I came back from the bathroom (they have this paper we have to write when we left and came back from the room). Usually they write the time after we give ID but this time for some reason we had to do it all. I did write down the time I got out but I didn’t write down the time I came back (left twice and yup forgot twice). Usually we don’t have to do this so that’s why I forgot. I’m worried this might get me in trouble because there’s no way they can know the time I actually came back to the exam room… ugh I know it’s dumb but dammit if they notice this it might actually get me in trouble 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️",Anxiety +51998,"Just one of those days… I’m having anxiety at work, i hate feeling this way. I took these gummies (OLLY brand) to help my anxiety, I shouldn’t have skipped them yesterday and decided to take them today. I also had a little bit of coffee to wake me up some which was not the best idea. My boss is making me do cakes which I hate being the cake decorator. I have expressed this 100 times but nothing. I have a lot to do. It’s just not a good day. I guess the only good thing is, I have stuff waiting for me at home (retail therapy ✨) I hate days like this.",Anxiety +51999,"Feeling so overwhelmed. can’t cope. Work is causing me so much stress at the moment. I wake up I cry and shake. I get to to work I have a meltdown. I sit at work and my brain is going into overdrive listening in to every conversation wondering if my name is involved or what not. I can’t relax. I get home and I cry cause I’m so exhausted as my body is constantly shaking or fidgeting or overthinking etc. I’m hardly eating cause I’m just not hungry. I’m hardly sleeping cause my brain is overthinking… + +Today is the first day I have not gone in to work but I feel worse cause I’m now thinking about what’s happening there while I’m not there. + +How do you get out of a rut like this? I’m 22 and I’ve just moved into a house with my bf so money is a big thing at the moment and I can’t just hand my notice in or better yet leave…. I just feel so stuck and I can’t get out. I have an appointment with my doctors on Tuesday but idk if I can make it to Tuesday :(",Anxiety +52000,"Long Guided Breathing videos Does anyone have any recommend for guided breathing videos on YouTube that are long, 30mins+, that you can listen to through headphones when in a situation where you anxiety is elevated to help control your breathing? I hyperventilate, and one on calm app are too short for me",Anxiety +52001,"I had an anxiety attack during an action scene in the new John Wick movie today... I decided to see the new John Wick movie late after work today so decided having two energy drinks full of caffeine to keep me up and then a follow up beer during the movie would be a great idea... + +During the first action scene each gunshot made my heart rate go faster and faster gave me huge amount of adrenaline that just wouldn't settle, I must have watched the whole thing with my heart racing at 100bpm, immediate acid reflux, sweating, feeling trapped in the cinema gripping my chair for 3 hours. + +I'm currently at home in the tub trying to calm down, the movie was awesome though! 10/10 would recommend!",Anxiety +52002,Buspirone for GAD panic disorder Hi! How effective has buspirone been for those of you who suffer from panic disorder or generalized anxiety? I’m hoping to take it on its own starting next week.,Anxiety +52003,"Is it Anxiety/Burnout and why do my neck/back/chest pains haven't stopped ever since august 2022 Disclaimer, the post is slightly copy paste from this thread but I want to share this on many threads in order to get some help. + + +I'm M 33years old: + +[What's really interesting is, every single described on this thread are almost identical to the ones I I have right now, so if you can please check them out so you understand what I am going trough.](https://www.reddit.com/r/costochondritis/comments/jrihv6/chest_pain_for_months_no_answers/?xpromo_edp=enabled) + + +The only logical explanation I've found myself is, that it might be severe Anxiety or Burnout I've experienced which makes my muscles being tense up all the time without me even realising it and get inflamed by the constant stress. + +As well some people, from what I've googled, claim that it might be side effect after a COVID infection (around June 2022), but oddly enough my wife is totally fine despite both of us having similar symptoms while we were sick (I got headaches and my throat hurt, her throat hurt and she was tired, both of us were 3x vaccinated). The only reason why I rule it out, is because these pains did start 2 days after my bed broke down while I was lying on it (August 2022) and we changed the bed mattress afterwards around october 2022 but we've slept on the couch (that can be transformed into a bed) which is literally a wooden plank with the old mattress on top of it that was way overdue (had a ""hole"" in the middle so had to change it) for almost 3 months. + +Before this all happend, I was really really stressed for years because of tons of private issue that negatively impacted my mental health and I was inactive during the lock down (2020) and after losing my job (june 2021), I've been almost every day on the PC (with bad posture probably) from 2019 - June 2022. (I got now a new job in september 2022 but got laid off from a previous one I was in for 3 months around January 2022) + +Also I was on Amitriptyline 25mg for almost a year, and stopped taking them as my neurologist told me back than (June 2022), I used to have around 2021 iirc similar pains/tingles on the left side of my body but not like the ones I have right now. + +I do really hope if anyone finds out what we can do do finally feel better, beside accepting our symptoms and live with them. + + +I have the typical tingly, electric feelings around my left side, headaches, migraines, heart races, burning/cold feeling on one foot or both etc these symptoms typical come when I feel really anxious. + + +Now all the symptoms seems to focus on Chest/Pain/Neck Pain with Brain Fog with, especially when the pains are strong. + + +The only relief I've found was lying down (tough sometimes I had moment where my back was blocked/stiffed but just for a short time and after I moved a bit), taking walks outside in the fresh air, being distracted, doing some stretching of the muscle where I have the pain. + + +Yet what I hate is they all return. +I've did the classic health anxiety attack routine going to many Doctors, ER etc: +dozens of Bloodtest came fine, have a slight Arthrosis and disc misplacement on my neck (nothing seriously according to the doctors), Neurologe didn't found any anomaly, Cardio doctor in August/September 2022 told me my heart is totally fine (we did a stress test on a bike) + + +So in the end, I really hope it's just my anxiety/burnout, as my doctors all say, who gave me all these physical symptoms. All I want is that these pains finally stop! And if I did write many confusing things, please tell me so I can clear it up. + + +P.S. I wanted to add as well that I grew up with stress my whole life ever since my childhood and that even to this day, I am really nervous and my fingers are always tremble, I am now asking myself if my body decided to crack when I got into my 30s",Anxiety +52004,"Rapid Heart Rate 24M, 6’ , 215 pounds +I have what I believe to be anxiety disorder. I almost always have some sort of anxiety. Sometimes I feel a little cloudy and maybe even a bit u stable on my feet. The worst is when I’ll be working; doing something minimally exhausting but my heart rate will raise to over 120 and then the panic ensues. The rapid rate can last hours. Maybe I am a hypochondriac and the more I think and check my pulse the worse it gets. Does anyone else have this happen? I have asked my doctor for a referral to a cardiologist just to be sure. I’m currently on no medication.",Anxiety +52005,"Staying at home vs going out I haven’t seen my friends in a while, and I don’t have much money since I’m not working at the moment but I figured I’m young and can go out to eat something every now and then. But now I’m just….I’m not sure how to even put in into words but nervous? I’m nervous/scared of leaving my home and it was so sudden. I’ve got like two hours to decide but I don’t know why I’m feeling this way? I’m scared something happening to my mom while I’m out",Anxiety +52006,"Zoloft Postpartum Anxiety I am 3 months postpartum and my doctor just prescribed me Zoloft 25mg. I have been having horrendous anxiety and insomnia. I finally decided I needed to do something about it. I took my first dose last night and was shakey and nervous and couldn’t sleep. So I took a hydroxyzine but that didn’t really help. So today I decided to take it earlier to see if that will help. I took it at noon. I am feeling so awful. Having diarrhea, which I guess I don’t really care about. But I have a headache and am soooo foggy. Like I feel weird and out of it and so tired but at the same time nervous and amped and I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Someone please tell me this gets better and it’s worth it. I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I have a baby that I have to care for so i hate feeling like this. I'm thinking about trying unisom tonight to sleep. Also I am breastfeeding.",Anxiety +52007,"Advice greatly needed (26 year old female) sorry for the long post… I’ve been on anti depressants for about the last 12 years of my life. I was always on 100 mg zoloft & then switched to 20 mg lexapro in 2018, but went off of them for about 6 months in 2021 to try to live without them. At the end of those 6 months I started to get dizzy more often & have what I can only describe as uncontrollable thoughts. Not suicidal or thoughts of harming anyone, but I just did not feel in control of my emotions and I felt like I was gonna lose my mind lol & very depressed. So I got back on lexapro 20 mg & after a few months I started to feel average at best but better than before. August 2022 I started to get brain zaps/dizziness every day for over a month so I went to a new psychiatrist and got back on Zoloft 50 mg to start. I worked my way up to 75mg & started to feel a lottttt better, but in December my dad died and I was extremely close to him so that obviously set me back. I went up to 100 mg around Feb 2023 and have been having issues ever since. Very dizzy, lots of anxiety & panic attacks, and the weird uncontrollable emotions/thoughts and always feeling on the brink of a panic attack have been happening since. It gets A LOT worse at night and that’s when most of my issues arise. +Within the last 6 months I’ve seen an ear doctor to make sure I didn’t have inner ear issues causing dizziness, an eye exam (I got a small prescription mostly for being on my phone/computer or reading), and I got an MRI done and saw a neurologist. All has always come back normal so I’m thinking it’s a medication issue or lack of something. I’m mostly looking for advice or comfort to make me feel better since I’m not doing well lol. Thanks for reading ❤️",Anxiety +52008,"Panic Attacks Hi, + +I've been having very bad anxiety attacks lately. I've been taking valium and it's helped but doesn't eliminate it. I've never had it sooooo bad. I also take olanzapine. I'm in the gym trying to push it away but I want to run home and take a valium. However, I only have a few tablets left. I'm really struggling on what to do. + +Anyone else feel the same or have been in a similar place?",Anxiety +52009,"Seroquel makes depressed I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety I take 400mg seroquel for sleep and have a weird side effect , when I take it makes me have those sudden life realisations about my self *really bad thoughts” + +Exactly like a bad weed trip and that’s why I stopped smoking weed . + +It’s weird since I’ve tried all drugs from benzos and opium to ssris and snri and it’s the only drug that makes me feel this way + +Why I am feeling this way? I searched a lot and couldn’t find people with the same problem",Anxiety +52010,"Is this a side effect of Lexapro I began taking Lexapro yesterday and I began feeling nauseous and just an overall off feeling. I also began feeling like burning sensation in my stomach, like a lot of acid and today I began feeling cramp like feeling around my stomach. + +Has anyone dealt with this when starting Lexapro?",Anxiety +52011,"Is it possible to be physically anxious without being mentally anxious? I woke up this morning with not a thought in my head but was experiencing bad physical symptoms (stomach tight and nervous feeling, chest tight, ect). Just curious if it's possible to be physically anxious when mentally you're doing ok? + +The only other thing I can think of is that I'm mentally anxious about the physical symptoms but would love to hear other people's experiences!",Anxiety +52012,"Going to the cinema This is probably a very particular issue and I’ve never really wanted to post about my anxiety but I’ve led myself here anyway. After a weed induced panic attack about 5 months ago, things have been pretty hellish for me. I’ve got a painful feeling in my chest I would say the majority of the day (anxiety, of course), every day. Now, I love love LOVE films. I plan to go to college next year and study film. I’ve wanted to become a director for years now. As you’d imagine, that requires me to be able to watch pretty much any kind of film, whenever. But, going to the cinema, something I hold so close to my heart as being a place I used to love, a place I would go to escape, has become really difficult for me. I really struggle in the days leading up to going, takes serious mental preparation. I’ve been a total of 6 times in 2023, which to people who know me, is simply unheard of. I’m a big fan of the John Wick films and have plans to go see the 4th one tomorrow. I’ve been waiting a long time to see it, but I just can’t see myself actually going out and seeing it. If you’re aware of the John Wick films, you know that they’re probably the most “foot on the gas” and brutal action films around. Which I feel is going to really freak me out. In my experiences of going to the cinema with anxiety, I’ve never had to leave the cinema. I’m pretty uncomfortable being there but I’ve never had to leave. I think that the main thing is the fear that this thing I love so much is being taken from me, despite me having no evidence to support it. While I’ve been able to push myself to go all the other times, I just can’t see it happening this time. I know it’s a lot of mental gymnastics but if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me at all I’d really appreciate it. +Thanks :)",Anxiety +52013,"The Rollercoaster ride of anxiety. Starts off slow, maybe you don't notice then eventually starts going up and no matter how hard I try to meditate, mindfulness and it slowly goes up until it peaks and I crash down. Then I'm okay for a day, a week, and start climbing again. + + It seems to go up and down and I'm on medication, in therapy, practice mindfullness and it always seems I take a step or 2 forward, then take a step or 2 back. It's so frustrating",Anxiety +52014,"My whole body is aching like i have the flu I don't know why all of a sudden after almost a week of no symptoms, now my body decides to flip the switch and start all over again... + +Yesterday i thought i'm having a heart attack because my left arm was aching all week and then yesterday and even today i had chest pain. + +Now it started that my other arm is aching too and my whole body just feels like i have the flu or something. + +Even my mouth feels spicy and weird... + +I don't know, is this really something anxiety can do? + +I don't feel sick at all, but everything hurts like i'm in full on flu mode. + +Pretty much everyone on my mothers side of the family has rheumatism, maybe it's finaly breaking out for me? + +Has anyone else felt like you usually do when you are just completely flu struck, only that you aren't actually sick? + +Today was the first time i took a magnesium supplement (187 mg) so maybe it has something to do with that?",Anxiety +52015,"Magnesium for anxiety-related heart palpitations? I have heart palpitations that I’ve been to a cardiologist about for years and have always been told they’re just a result of anxiety. I hear of people having heart palpitations during panic attacks or while feeling anxious, but I have them all day everyday no matter how calm or regular the moment is. I suppose underlying anxiety is still there, as I’m a jittery person naturally. But they’re annoying and distracting. I tried a beta blocker but it did absolutely nothing, my cardiologist says anxiety meds might help but I’m nervous to take any pills I don’t have to. + +I heard magnesium helps with heart palpitations but I know nothing about it, how much is good versus bad, what form to take it in, etc… any info is appreciated! + +Anyone alleviate heart palpitations with magnesium? I’d love to hear about your experience.",Anxiety +52016,"Is it bad if your antidepressants makes you feel happy (I'm not talking about dangerous mood elevation)? I'm not talking about mania or hypomania here. But in the past I increased my escitalopram dose a few times. I was really ""climbing the ladder"" dose-wise (I think that I had to increase the dose over and over in order to keep the ""happy"" effect going) so I had to quit and come back down to the proper dose. I felt unbelievably great as I increased the dose. I took notes on my experience and I was just saying how great I felt and how I had nice memories of my family and my past...my mood was just great. + +Antidepressants have been in use for a while now so I'm sure there's some wisdom about (1) whether being happy like that is sustainable, (2) whether it's healthy or not, and (3) whether I could've actually ended that phenomenon of chasing the effect up the ""dose ladder"" and gotten the effect to ""stick"". + +Most importantly, when the ""happy"" effect was in place all my ADHD medications were working. This was absolutely life-changing. I can read in my notes that it says over and over ""if I could only maintain this level of healthy brain-functioning and ADHD-medication effectiveness then I would have a great life"". I wonder if there's anything to be learned from this whole experience that I had with the escitalopram and the ADHD medications; maybe the experience can provide a clue as to what to try in order to have a sustainable foundation for my ADHD medications. + +I do have some anxiety/depression/OCD; I don't think that it's at the clinical level. I mean, I looked up the criteria for OCD and one of them said something about the issues taking up an hour of your time each day, so I'm far from that. And when it comes to depression and anxiety, it's a situation where I have mild issues where you could probably say that it's unhealthy for me to have the negative tilt to my emotions that I have...again it's nothing clinical, though.",Anxiety +52017,"Trintellix/vortioxetine for severe anxiety, results? I'm on week 2 (upped to 10mg 5 days ago) and I know about the it gets worse before it gets better thing -- but it is biting hard, very hard + +I'm also on lamictal 100mg (2x 50 a day)",Anxiety +52018,"Someone is coming home! I know I’ve triggered a reaction from my title. How do you cope? + +I’m nearly 30 and might break up with my partner over this if I can’t control it. I know this might be a fact of my shitty brain but I’m doubt my best to manage it. Does anyone have any suggestions? + + +Edit: +To clarify, my partner is arriving home soon.",Anxiety +52019,"My anxiety makes me feeling like im dying everyday and its ruining my life. I dont want to die but dont know what to do. I barely get enough sleep, i feel on edge constantly like im gonna have another episode. My breathing has been an issue for days now and i keep having ticks and making humming noises occasionally and when i breathe out. I cant focus properly on anything or distract myself. The physical feeling are so intense I genuinely feel like im dying and cant stop it. I cant stop doing heavy breathing occasionally and my throat feels so strange, like ive had globus sensation before but this feeling is like tenfold, i get a sickly tingling sensation in my stomach and chest and not to mention that its so hard to physically talk, eat and drink when i really want to. Any tiny little thing can trigger me an then i spend hours-days having an attack that leaves me tired and unable to sleep. I take 20mg citalopram every morning an it doesnt seem to be working. Any advice woould be amazing since im up to try anything at this point. I just want the pain to go away.",Anxiety +52020,"I miss my parents all the time. Need advice. am 33 years old, married, house, full-time job but I miss my parents all the time. I see them once in the evening after work and for dinner on Sunday’s usually but it’s not enough. I literally count the days in between seeing them and miss them so much that I cry. I am sure this is not normal and need some advice.",Anxiety +52021,anxiety nausea back at it again literally had to get up and leave idek why it’s a thing bc i don’t end up throwing up,Anxiety +52022,"I recently got diagnosed with GAD and need help with how to cope with potential panic attacks Monday I have a panic attack and was diagnosed with GAD. + +I'm only 18 years old and I do stress and I have had anxiety before but not that I've had a full on panic attack I feel like it's taking over my everyday things. + +Last night I had one and this morning when I woke up I almost had one but I managed through it. + +So far I've been outside and that helps me but doesn't make it go away fully. + +I went to eat at a restaurant and right when I walked it I got panicky and couldn't eat my food because I couldn't hold it down and I had to swallow the 2 bites I did take WITH WATER. + +I know this is temporary and I plan to work out and get a therapist and MAYBE take meds but is there anything I can remember to know for next time? + +It hasn't been a full week and I've had 2 panic attack and almost another. + +I'm anxious about being anxious cause that will trigger a possible attack + +Panic attacks make it feel like I'm having a heart attack or anything life threating. + +I should enjoy life but ik this is something that will take some time to deal with. + +My hands shake a little and I still have a fast heart beat even when I don't feel panicky. It also feels like a pit in my stomach is waiting for a thought to pop up for me to panic. + +When waking up today I panicked and walking it off reminded me of Monday when I walking and had the panic attack. + +Anything I should know for next time?",Anxiety +52023,.5 mg lorazepam and drinking If I take .5 mg of lorazepam now will I be good to drink around 9 pm (about 4.5 hours)? In the past I have waited around 24 hours and felt no difference,Anxiety +52024,,Anxiety +52025,"Morning Anxiety I'm so so tired of morning Anxiety. Every morning I wake up wanting to puke from being anxious. Does anyone have any experience of how to not wake up feeling like you're about to get into a fight? + +Any advice would be most welcome 🙏",Anxiety +52026,"Does anyone feel anxiety because of some people? (Sorry for the bad english or any grammar mistake :D ) + +I've been dealing with my anxiety since I was 17. Since then, I've been looking for ""triggers"" that makes me feel more anxious. Like a pattern. So I could deal better with it (I dont have any pro help). I've realized that my anxiety gets worse when I have to talk with people. So, I've been trying to better my communication. And Im better, actually. I'm feeling more calm around other people. + +But there is something that it's haunting me since I'm trying to better my anxiety. I realized that there are some people that makes me worse. Sometimes even colleagues. For some reason, when I see them or talk with, I have a bad feeling, a heavy energy, and my anxiety explodes. Because of that, I cant trust on them. And I'm always in the ""alert mode"" when I'm around them. I don't know if this is a problem that my anxiety creates in my mind or if it's something that other people also feels. + +That's why i'm here. I'm trying to understand if the problem is me and my anxiety or them. Anyone feels like this around some people? + +Ps: I cant get away from some of them because of college and my job, unfortunatly :(",Anxiety +52027,"What's your story/experience of successfully getting out of your comfort zone while having anxiety? +I still try to do everything even thought I'm dealing with anxiety this month (the feeling of impending doom) and the last step for now is to return to my part time job since I've been on holidays. + +So I would like to hear what stuff were you guys scared of doing but still did it and are proud? (It can literally be anything)🙂",Anxiety +52028,"Overwhelming Fear of Blindness & Deafness. How Can I Overcome? **I've had an overwhelming fear of blindness and deafness for years.** + +I developed **tinnitus** when I was in high school, due to exposure to loud music. My tinnitus isn't awful, I'm able to be productive around it. But ever since then, I've been fearful of one day losing all my hearing. + +Also, I've been fearful about blindness, due to a family history of sight issues, **dry eye syndrome**, occasional **eye floaters**, and the fact I often work late nights on my laptop. + +I saw a doctor about the eye floaters, but **was told that those are normal**, and most people get them. + +I'm conflicted because I have a smartphone compulsion, which feeds my fear of visual impairment. + +I just want to know how I can overcome **these fears because they often give me anxiety**, and I almost cried once out of fear my vision was getting cloudy. + +I'm sure it's not the end all be all, but **I fear I won't be able to achieve my dreams (filmmaking) if my sight and hearing are affected.** + +**Would really appreciate any words of encouragement and help. Thank you.**",Anxiety +52029,"I can't deal with this anymore My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. It has gotten to the point where I'm getting anxiety attacks almost everyday now and I don't know how to make it stop. I can't stop worrying and overthinking. My brain won't shut up. It has been keeping me up at night and I wake up every morning feeling anxious. I've tried meditation, exercising, yoga and I even cut caffeine out of my diet but nothing has worked. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I don't think I can cope with this much longer. I feel like I'm on the verge of having a mental breakdown.",Anxiety +52030,"Dog walking (animal shelter) anxiety reduction I have been volunteering as dog walking which is helping with my anxiety lately. I had anxiety contributed by family and work. + +You can always check ur nearby shelter for dog walking instead of adopting.",Anxiety +52031,"DAE not only fear their next attack, but fear it will be even worse and/or their worst anxiety attack experienced ever? My intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been crazy lately and these concepts have come to mind. I’m petrified I’ll truly lose it one day and be on record as having the worst attack ever known or something. Tell me I’m not alone?",Anxiety +52032,"Zoloft side effects Took 50mg of Zoloft for the first time about 40 hours ago, and have been feeling extreme brain fog and derealization yesterday and today, and also I feel extremely fatigued and sleepy. I only took one pill but I was wondering if anyone knows how long would it take for these side effects to disappear?",Anxiety +52033,"My anxiety is telling me not to be honest/vulnerable I have a second date (anxiety is also telling me it’s not a date and that I’m not of interest to anyone other than people that try to take advantage of me.) with someone next week. I am so excited because the first date was a /blast/. My anxiety is telling me to play it cool, and not to look too eager and to only express interest if they express +interest first. + +I would have listened in the past. + +I think it would be in my best interest to tell them I’m looking forward to it because I am. + +So, I am going to tell them that I’m excited to see them next week. Better to be myself and turn-off someone that isn’t interested in my genuine excitement to spend time with them than it is to keep pretending.",Anxiety +52034,"How to tell the difference between mental disorders and shit life syndrome? I've been trying to answer this question for a while. How do I know what's the cause and what's the effect when it comes to mental state? Am I depressed and suicidal because of how my life turned out to be or am I perceiving life to be more shitty than it is because of underlying mental disorders? + +I have never been to a psychiatrist so I have never been diagnosed, but I've been dealing with OCD since I was 6, I experience a lot of MDD, anxiety, social phobia and ADHD symptoms. I've also been suicidal for more than 6 years at this point. The thing is, most of those things appear so small when put next to 7 figures in the bank account. Most of my issues would immediately disappear. Only then I would be able to do things because I can, not because I have to. I experience what I'd call a ""money induced paralysis"". I talk a bit more explicitly about it in [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/v4qq6k/discussion_lack_of_motivation_induced_by_lack_of/) thread. + +It's very unlikely that I'll ever be financially independent and it's unlikely I'll ever find something interesting enough I'd deem worth pursuing for hours on end(AKA passion). Those realizations alone are enough to make me apathetic, procrastinate on all matters and basically give up on life and wait for the right opportunity to kill myself. I'd rather be dead than live a life I don't consider to be worth the effort. + +I've been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist for the past few months but I have my doubts. I procrastinate on making an appointment because it feels like my problems stem from money, it's not like they'll make me rich over there. In fact I'll lose money. That is enough justification for me not to go. I also can't get myself to schedule other appointments (blood tests, physio, dentist) because if my life will remain the same despite improving in some areas, then why bother? I'll kill myself anyway without winning a lottery or without some magical epiphany occurring in my mind. + +I suspect there could be something wrong with my brain, because plenty of other people have lives objectively worse than me, yet they see survival as something of value in and of itself. That could be the result of them being ignorant, me being ungrateful or my brain being disabled. So, how do I know whether my shitty mental state is caused by my views on life, philosophy, bad attitude, being lazy, ungrateful, spoiled, etc. or by some condition beyond my reach? Or perhaps that's how it's supposed to be, because my conclusions are logical and I just can't ignore them?",Anxiety +52035,Compulsively giving myself anxiety? Recently I just stand doing nothing and then my body gives me anxiety? Like... I used to remember things and get anxious but this time even moving my eyes gives me anxiety? Feels like fear of having that feeling causes that feeling. A sudden sharp pain in chest. I dont know how to stop this. I get triggered once in a minute and im scared of having heart issues because of this. There is also a mild pain in my chest all the time. It feels so weird to lose control that much lol.,Anxiety +52036,Buspar not for long term result? I just left my primary doctor and suggested BuSpar due to all the good things I’ve heard on here. Always turn down SSRIs because of sexual side effects and heard this is better. Anyway she told me buspar is effectively just like Xanax? That I can’t take both it’s one or the other? They’re both an “as needed” drug. Is this true? To me Xanax is a bandaid. Long term won’t change and work toward a cause. She made it sound like buspar is effectively the same even though it’s an SNRI not a benzo???,Anxiety +52037,"Are SSRI side effects dose dependent? For example, is one more likely to experience side effects the higher the dose or the bigger the increase in dose?",Anxiety +52038,"I'm getting very anxious about my dental procedure tomorrow It's not something I wanna do, but I'm made to do it. I had a root canal procedure because of an infection and my dentist recommends I get a crown for further stability. I personally think it's optional at the moment since it's my front tooth and it isn't subject to a lot of pressure. But you know, Asian parents, they're forcing me through it tomorrow. + +I'm so against getting a crown because it involves drilling away healthy tooth structure so that it will fit. It's permanent because tooth enamel can't grow back and so such a procedure I've been constantly anxious about it since the appointment got booked 3 weeks ago. Every day since, I've been dreaded for the day which is tomorrow. Has anyone had similar experiences or currently has a crown in their mouth? I'm worried about many things such as whether it feels like your natural tooth, whether it's the exact same color or a little bit off.",Anxiety +52039,"Waking up with a feeling of discomfort in the body Hi, I wake up every day with discomfort in my hands, calves and feet. +It is not really pain but it is very unpleasant and difficult to explain. +So I would like to know if anyone has ever had these sensations?",Anxiety +52040,again low the fear of going crazy.. it's here again.. is there anyone else dealing with it?..,Anxiety +52041,"""Buy Friends"" comment? My mother doesn't have friends. She said if she won a lot of money it would be easy to 'buy friends'. What do you make of this comment? I wasn't sure what to say - but I kind of relate in the sense that if you find it hard it may feel like an option, although probably a bad one!",Anxiety +52042,"Anxiety I’m a 25 year old male overall healthy, I have been suffering anxiety and panic attacks for about 6 years now. I got on Prozac about 2 years ago and it’s helped tremendously. I get anxious here and there. I’ve gone to a whole bunch of doctors before the Prozac to all tell me I’m fine. Cardiologist, neurologist , ent etc. the other day I was at the pediatrician for my daughter and I started feeling somewhat antsy and hot and then I started sweating, feeling dizzy, felt short of breath, I thought I would pass out. I freaked out and didn’t calm down until I left about 30 mins later. I’m worried if I have a heart issue or if this just goes back to it being anxiety? I recently did bloodwork 3 weeks ago Everyrhing came out fine except my cholesterol being minor elevated which I’m taking care of already and eating super clean. Let me know what you guys think",Anxiety +52043,"Anxiety After Seeing Dog Having Seizure Back in January my 3 year old lab mix had what we think was a mild seizure. We took him to the vet the next day. Blood work came back normal so all we can really do is see if it happens again. Thankfully it hasn't happened again but we don't know for sure. + +But I don't want to see it happen again. This dog is my whole world, my best friend. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've always had anxiety but after seeing that happen to him it's gotten worse. I hate seeing him suffer. + +There are days where I don't want to leave the house in case anything happens to him. There are days where I hardly eat or drink anything because I'm so anxious. + +I don't know how to move on. If it happens again I don't know how I will cope. I want my boy to live a long happy life.",Anxiety +52044,"A heart attack would be very obvious right? Hey guys + +I have had some pain and a feeling of weakness in my left arm for a week now that i want to get checked out at a Orthopedist today. + +But when i cane back from a walk i had a sting in my left chest when i breathed in :/ + +Now i'm sitting here and my left chest feels a bit sore and stingy sometimes, and my heart is beating quite fast. + +That coupled with my arm weakness makes me very scared :( + +A heart attack would be more obvious right? + +It would hurt a lot and i probably wouldn't be on reddit right now if i had one right? + +I'm so scared right now i hate it, it's still 7 hours before the Orthopedist opens up :(",Anxiety +52045,,Anxiety +52046,"Anyone have any good experiences with Cymbalta? Thinking about taking it for my GAD. I’ve been on Lexapro for 3 years and it’s not working at all unfortunately. + +What are your experiences with Cymbalta if any?",Anxiety +52047,"I'm an adult who can not sleep alone. So I'm 32f and since I was a kid I've struggled with anxiety and sleeping. Afraid of the dark, night terrors, sleep paralysis all that fun stuff. + +My partner, is going away for 2 nights for a work thing. This means I'll be alone in the house. I have never been alone in a house, I've always had house mates or family in the house with me. Any time I was left with a house to myself I would get mates to come over and stay or I would go out. Its only at night when I have to go to bed in the house that I have the issue, I otherwise tend to enjoy being by myself. + +This whole thing is filling me with more and more anxiety. I know i'm building it up alot but its been one childhood fear never managed to sort out. + +I want to get over this, I feel quite pathetic that its causing me so much panic. + +Tools at my disposal: +1 incredibly needy cat that sleeps with me every night. +A tv in my room. + +Hoping for advice and encouragement.",Anxiety +52048,Neighbours Hello I’m haveing anxiety because my neighbours pour things like pee dog poo etc I can’t put my plants out side cuz water is always falling of their top balcony and on to mines there are really hostile to my then I get racism from them keep in mind I did nothing to them it is like they are heart less and my boys and I are scared cuz they threatened as I call police so much time they do nothing I’m also looking for i new home they do drugs they spat at us when we go out side and they say the reason why water falls from the porch is because the water tank they party ever day it’s really scary In hope I can move to better area I stay strong in front of my boys but i cry in the in side it feels like no cares about us at all it’s more worrying cuz I’m I single mother of 2 and upstairs is all men idk what to and I’m scared for my life and my children life btw I’m in Scotland sorry if I mis spelled some things it cuz I’m shaking.,Anxiety +52049,"Oxazepam? Hey! I have been taking oxazepam 7,5mg-15mg once per day for my anxiety for the past 2 months. I'm neurotic about getting addicted, eventhough I don't think I have too high risk for that: I have been taking those pills max. 2 days per week and I'm even keeping two weeks pause from using them atm. I try to avoid taking those pills even two days in a row. + +I have them as needed and I was wondering can I continue using them like this or am I going to be addicted? Like if I take 15mg once/two times per week for a month and keep two weeks pauses just to make sure? + +Does anybody here use these pills as needed and how often do you take them? They really help with my anxiety but I want to respect that medicine so I try to take them only when my situation is really bad.",Anxiety +52050,"someone help me think rationally I know I sound stupid for this i really do and usually I can get myself to think otherwise but… tiktok is always the perfect place to scare you for things. I saw a tiktok about someone with heart failure and i have so many symptoms… I’m always constantly extremely fatigued i get winded from just getting up and walking somewhere, it’s extremely hard for me to work out, when I stand up my heart rate can go from 80 to like 130, i’ve had a cough that i haven’t gotten rid of in almost 3 years. Given I am out of shape from hormonal disruptions but now i’m nervous. I know there are other things that can cause this but now i’m paranoid. Someone help me think rationally about this 🫠😫",Anxiety +52051,"Lorazepam side effect/after effect In the last week or so, I have been taking small doses(.5/1.0) of Lorazepam(only as needed) prescribed by my doctor for anxiety. + +I have been experiencing some weird effects, which are feelings of weakness, weird random head pressure that will come and go, and weird scalp sensation that come and go and pressure weird dreams, etc... Just was wondering if anyone else has experienced these symptoms or other symptoms when taking or going off of Lorazepam..Like I said, I only take it if I feel extremely anxious. My anxiety has also been really high..Has anyone experienced these symptoms due to anxiety and or effect from Lorazepam/benzos? I plan on asking my doctor, but just wanted to see if others experienced these or other symptoms..Thanks!",Anxiety +52052,"Nobody takes me seriously I’ve (24M) dealt with depression/anxiety for years now. I used to be great with people, make good money, have the nice cars, great girlfriend, supportive parents, friends that I could say looked up to me etc. and then I was diagnosed with depression. Within about a year, I quit my job, lost my girlfriend even though she was great to me, and have yet to keep a stable job for more than a month at a time. + +My depression eventually was ruled to be “treatment resistant” after being on a number of meds and trying many other things. Some would work for a couple months and then I’d fall even further back from where I was. + +But now, after not having worked since early July of 2022, I am dealing with extensive and scary brain fog. I’ve incorporated working out, eating healthier, taking supplements and just trying to live a healthier lifestyle as I figured this was coming from a bad diet my whole life. I also got all blood work done including thyroid, basics, vitamin levels, testosterone etc and everything came back normal other than pretty high cholesterol. Both doctors I’ve seen (general practitioner, psychiatrist) has kinda blown me off when I tell them about the brain fog. Almost like they don’t really know what to say or what the next step should be to ruling out causes. + +I’m so scared as I’m feeling like I’m going crazy or have dementia. My parents are usually very supportive when I’m going through stuff but my mom doesn’t even want to hear me talk about it and my dad isn’t always around as he lives about 45 mins away. I ended up packing some things and driving to his house tonight without saying anything to my mom. I just hate feeling alone and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m at the end of my road",Anxiety +52053,"selfishness ""I don't feel very good, it's like I don't belong in this world (I don't think I ever did). My friends are happy, and I'm always the one who's not really funny and who ruins the mood. So now I try to say as little as possible, people always ask me if I'm okay, if I'm tired, or worse, they say I'm scary. I think I'm just a mistake. People must find me weird or creepy, it's ruining me. A few years ago, my brother committed suicide, I felt very close to him, I think about his death all the time, I wish I could start my life over again and make the right choices (for once). What affects me the most is girls, I think... It's ridiculous, but I would love to have a relationship with a (very) pretty girl. Sometimes I think I've suffered so much that I would at least deserve that. I saw the damage my brother's death caused in my family, now I think if I didn't have a family to make suffer => suicide. My message is so selfish, and I know it. Thank you for reading these few lines..."" + +\-Lust",Anxiety +52054,"Is there any way to sleep better? I can't sleep most of the nights, meds didn't help.",Anxiety +52055,"Public speaking tips? Hi, all. I have to give a presentation at work next week (45 minutes long and the CEO will be in attendance). I’m already panicking, as once the anxiety kicks in, I’m certain I’m going to forget everything I’m supposed to say. ( anxiety makes it very difficult for me to focus on anything) Does anyone have any speaking tips that have worked for them in the past? Thanks so much!",Anxiety +52056,"I have really bad door anxiety! It's not about being scared I didn't lock the door or something, I'm just really scared of opening doors the wrong way or turning a key the wrong way in front of people or pushing instead of pulling and viceversa, it's honestly debilitating because i feel like I'm gonna die everytime I have to open a door. I wondered if anyone else has the same problem and how to fix it if possible.",Anxiety +52057,,Anxiety +52058,"Separation anxiety w/ my bsf I've recently started having really bad separation anxiety with my bsf. (I'm a highschooler) and today is the last day until spring break. Which is 2 weeks. My separation anxiety has been really bad lately with class periods not seeing him and so I'm scared. He's a senior and may 19th, seniors leave early. I have no idea what I'm gonna be able to do and just want to hug him so much right now and be told it'll be alright and I'll see him after 2 weeks but 2 weeks is a living hell and seems to long for me.:(",Anxiety +52059,inhaler ive been having breathing problems recently and i went to the doctor and they gave me an inhaler. i used it and now im coughing up mucus. im vety anxious right now. is this normal??,Anxiety +52060,,Anxiety +52061,"My hair was cut accidentally way too short and ended up as a Karen cut, I was already anxious but now I can’t leave my house. I need advice I went for a haircut yesterday because my anxiety has been awful. I had a CT scan this week, my OCD returned in full force, my house is a disaster, etc. I just wanted to feel pretty. I went for just a trim and to color my roots so I would have my normal chin length bob that I curl. It’s the best cut I’ve ever had, however, my stylist (and I don’t blame him at all) misunderstood me because I communicated poorly and chopped off all of my hair, and stacked it so I have nothing but layers. To make it worse I’m prematurely gray, I thought it would be nice to blend in my natural gray streak with some color to highlight it but make it look a little more intentional. I now look like I’m a mix between Cruela De Vil and a 60 year old that screams at Target employees. I’m devastated. I’m mourning my hair and embarrassed to leave my home. I don’t even want to go for therapy today. I couldn’t sleep. I know it grows back but to get to the point I want it will take over 6 months. I didn’t want a pixie and my jaw looks cartoonish. I’m not usually concerned how I look but I spent so much time trying to style it to fix it. I tried curling it to no avail. I tried to wet it down and with my natural hair I ended up a poodle. I just want to cry, I want my stomach to stop hurting, I want to sleep and not worry. What can I do?",Anxiety +52062,"Not sure if this is brain fog To clarify yes I have an anxiety disorder / panic disorder. I’m on no medications and am healthy and fit. +Been taking a break from everything including the gym because my head just feels so off and in turn makes me uncomfortable to even walk. I just want to lay down in a dark room and be alone. It’s like a small pressure in the head, dissociation (I’m used to having dpdr alot but this feels magnified some), and I panic super easily more than before but I feel it’s due to the discomfort I feel all in my head. It’s like disorienting. There are times it goes away but it’s definitely present mornings into afternoon. It feels unbearable to function and it’s not easy to distract yourself from. When I feel like this I often experience being woken up to light palpitations and a general anxious feel in my body and then my day just feels off after that in this fog.",Anxiety +52063,"Slept a couple hours and had a panic attack after it now I can’t fall back asleep Had a stressful dream after sleeping only around 3hrs and had a panic attack after, now I’m worried about heart problems etc and am getting the physical symptoms of anxiety. Been a few hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again .",Anxiety +52064,,Anxiety +52065,"Need someone to talk too Its late where I am and I can't sleep and I'm super anxious and was wondering if anyone had time to talk about anything to help calm me down a bit + +(I don't accept chat requests because of weird people in the past and would like to use the comments to talk) + + +Edit: Wanted to write a edit thanking all the people who helped me last night I didn't sleep but you all made me feel calmer it means a lot to have support and people to talk to ",Anxiety +52066,"What are your triggers? I know my anxiety triggers are these. Pretty much everything else will not do anything to me. + + +* Biggest one right now are doctors, medical. Get really anxious, blood pressure and BPM go up. +* Next in line is testing... I don't take tests now, but I get really anxious. I stare around, sweat a little. And then when the test is over, nothing. +* It is hit or miss, but if I have a presentation or in front of people, get real nervous. Remember bombing for one performance where I just stood there... one time. +* Get nervous around attractive people for some reason. Yea. + + +... It is interesting... but these don't normal trigger. + + +* I am fine in crowds or social situations. Maybe I have trained myself to avoid the triggers +* Stressful work situations, I usually handle these ok, interviews? Etc + +Anyways, I wish I could tackle those above.. and I would be good. But I have found nothing...",Anxiety +52067,I love someone i met very recently is it bad ? I recently met this person and we have alot of common interests but i dont know if tht person likes me back. Its killing me inside and i really want to express my feelings but im scared tht i might lose a friend. This person is all i can think about this past week and even appears in my dreams.,Anxiety +52068,"Perhaps the battle with my extreme self consciousness will only end when I end The moment I step outside, I become too aware of the way I walk, the way my arms are moving when I walk, where my eyes are looking at, how I'm blinking, my jaw position, my neck position, my posture. Basically the way I'm looking to another person (I try to picture myself how I might be looking and whether it's not wierd). Sometimes I record myself with a phone to see what's the oddity with my behaviour. + +The reason this has developed is because from class 5-6 I realised there was something wrong... People would keep a stare once they got a glance of me. I realise, in retrospect, that's because I looked like a girl even though I'm a boy. Perhaps some hormones got messed up and I got some feminine features like long eye lashes, girly lips, girl type face, curved hip, short height. + +Btw I'm 27M unmarried. 7 months on antidepressants and anxiety meds. I would say definitely helping me find the light. One day I'll make it.",Anxiety +52069,"Being alone gives me great anxiety Hi people, + +I found out that I get depressed and anxious when I am by myself. + +I need some advice on how to change this feeling without depending on other people. + +Do you find it comfortable or anxious being by yourself?",Anxiety +52070,"Does anybody else has worse anxiety alone than around other people? Like, when I'm hanging out with the others they are distracting me from my anxiety. When I'm alone I just can't focus, I know it's coming and can't stop it. + +Today I wanted to work on my computer project. After half an hour of sitting in front of computer my anxiety won and I had to lay down; I'm calming myself until this moment. I really wanted to be productive today...",Anxiety +52071,Healing my anxiety While back ago I started experiencing severe panic attacks. So severe my heart rate would be 160-180. I completely stopped sleeping. Even when I tried to focus on sleep I’d only nap for 20-30 mins a day. I stopped eating and drinking water to the point where my kidneys and liver were severely dry. I lost 25 pounds in just the span of 2 weeks. I started therapy a month ago. Everything has been going well. My only problem is that I’m on lorazepam as needed and sertraline daily. And I’ve let my therapist know that I truly do not want to be on medications. And she’s advised spiritually healing. I’ve been practicing reiki. And just curious if anyone else has resorted to spiritual healing?,Anxiety +52072,"So anxious I'm starting to shake I went on a 2 day drinking bender and I'm sobering up. I'm dizzy but I know that's just the alcohol/dehydration. I'm starting to shake, both from detoxing and being tense. + +I feel like I need a hug and to never drink again. Any advice on how to feel better would be greatly appreciated.",Anxiety +52073,"Colon cramps after diarrhea? Hello! + +I’ve been dealing with bowel mouvements when facing a stressful event, which is, annoying but I deal with it. I rush to the toilets and I’m good. +I read that during a fight or flight episode, your body wants to removes its wastes. Be it. + +Problem is, a few hours later, I have to deal with severe cramps in my lower abdomen. I do not understand why I get that, and it’s pretty annoying since usually, the stressful events happen mid-day, and I get the cramps from 8pm to 5-6am. I can barely move, even breathing hurts. But I manage to fall asleep either way. + +Yesterday, I had to deal with that /again/, and it was much stronger than usual. I felt like someone was stabbing my lower left area, every 3-4 minutes. + +Anyways, I was wondering if anyone had had that before, what exactly happens inside that causes that, and if there’s anyway to either prevent or help with ot when I have it? +Hot water bottles and massages don’t work. 🥲 + +Thanks!",Anxiety +52074,"Something familiar started popping up in regards to work and it’s got me worried So back in 2017, I’” worked at a restaurant as a dishwasher as my first job. But after the busy season ended I was laid off. Not only that, but was basically laid off with no one even telling me since my boss at the time basically acted like I didn’t exist when I tried contacting them about potentially coming back. For roughly 5 years since, I basically jumped from one seasonal job to another. Then last year, I found myself being rehired in the same position, but this time the place is under new management. And honestly, I’ve loved it. Not only is a job I enjoy with a salary that is better than I would have initially expected, but it also allowed me to make awesome new friends and get reacquainted with old ones. But since the start of the holiday season, I’ve been off duty so to speak until the dining room opens back up in May. I’ve recently found out in the company group chat that it will open up on Mother’s Day weekend, to which I responded roughly with “awesome. So I guess that will be roughly when I’m coming back?” That was 2 days ago and since then the group chat had been dead silent. I’d assume it was cause everyone was busy and didn’t see, but the chat says that pretty much everyone saw it. And now it’s starting to feel similar to when I got laid off when I first worked there. And I don’t know why I would be since pretty much everyone has said how awesome I am for how hard I work and how good I am at my job. So, considering that, I may not have anything to worry about. But the fact that everyone saw that specific message yet didn’t say anything in response feels suspicious at the very least. What should I do? Do I have reason to worry or am I just worrying too much about nothing?",Anxiety +52075,"Is it me or is it the T? This is something i have noticed on the T and as much as i am grateful for it, the imposter in me is asking questions. + +Today is my “lets be anxious about absolutely everything” day. So, we are on the subway and no one sat beside me. Like i said. Super grateful cuz i hate people in my ‘safe space’ but i also am offended that no one sat beside me? Like what kinda hypocrisy is this. Is it the same for everyone? Ugh idk.",Anxiety +52076,Looking for perspective I (F18) have been given the diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and it has taken an extraordinary toll on my physical health. I am in a constant state of fight or flight and I’ve never been in this much pain in my life. It’s the kind of pain people kill themselves from. I am constantly shaking and throwing up. This constant stress has given me the diagnosis of IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I had to go to multiple doctors as IBS is hard to diagnose. The stomach pain triggers the anxiety and the anxiety triggers the stomach pain so basically I’m constantly in both mental and physical pain. However I believe it goes deeper than GAD. It doesn’t stop. It’s not attacks either it doesn’t come or go.. it stays. I’ve taken benzos and they don’t do shit for me and neither does any depression or anxiety medications. I wish I could be sedated so I don’t have to be awake and in pain. There have been a few incidents where I had to go to the hospital and beg to be sedated or at least booty juiced or something that would put me to sleep. Luckily I found lamictal and it has saved my life. I honestly don’t think I would be alive today if it hadn’t been for modern medicine. But this still raises the question of what is actually wrong with me. I’m thinking of this because my lamictal is beginning to lose its effect and I have to increase my dose every couple of weeks. I couldn’t get a therapy appointment scheduled until late June so I’m kinda fucked.,Anxiety +52077,"Driving lessons I really don’t like driving and honestly i really don’t need to drive either at the moment. I have had lessons in an manual this recently switched to automatic. I not a great driver either, I get too close to the pavement and don’t like going fast. When its focusing on parking I’m less stressed out, as it’s an empty car park. + +I guess I don’t like having to concentrate and although there is less to concentrate on with an automatic I still don’t like it. When I’m a passenger unless it’s like a short trip I’m asleep or if it’s short I am looking around or checking my phone. + +Went on much faster roads and lots of roundabouts, accidental knocked a curb and someone on a roundabout in the left lane decided to give way to a truck waiting on the left while I was also on the roundabout in the right lane. + +Been having like 1.5 hour lessons and although I make sure that I don’t have much to drink before hand and go to the bathroom twice before my lesson. There is always anxiety and I’m either running from the car or very unfortunately last week was at the lights and far from being able to leave the car and I’m still mortified. And canceled by next lesson and wanting them to just keep the money for the one other lesson I prepaid for. I just really don’t want to see the instructor ever again. + +If it were up to me I wouldn’t continue driving lessons because I don’t like it and I don’t need to. I am very happy walking or getting the bus. But my parents don’t understand that I really don’t want to drive.",Anxiety +52078,"Can someone relate to this or have I broken myself? I need to premise this with saying that I recognise that I drink as it is the only time I don't feel anxious anymore, and it's a vicious cycle. And so, please, telling me that stopping drinking is an obvious step I am taking now and it certainly doesn't help to say this to me now. + +Recently, I have been feeling increasingly anxious and paranoid after drinking about things I may have done or said during the night. This is obviously even worse if there are moments of the night I don't remember or if I blackout. + +After a recent night out, I dont remember going back home from the club with some colleagues who I am semi close with (im new to the job). There is basically a 200meter walk home that I dont remember. I asked, and I was told by them that I was very drunk and was vomiting, but other than that it was a great night and we should do it again. + +However, I am absolutely convinced that I said or did something bad that night. Just like I'm always convinced I did something bad the previous time. That I maybe told them I want to rape/hurt/abuse someone, or that I was racist towards someone, or that I said a secret. And even if they said that it was absolutely fine, I'm convinced that they are hiding something from me, that they are waiting for the perfect moment to expose me. That they are all laughing/talking behind my back. I feel like I ruminate over scenarios I may not remember or know even happen, so much, that memories almost build themselves in my head and from moment to moment a memory is more and more vivid. + +This is not a new thing in my life, I wake up terrified of checking my phone for embarrassing or illegal things I may have done, if there's a murder in the news I check the location to ensure there was no chance it could be me. + +The same happens in my sober life. I convince myself that someone is angry at me so I will spend literal hours looking over a phone chat between us. Thoughts or worries plant themselves in my head and I cannot let them go. One day I raped someone, the next I have cancer. One day I pissed someone off, the next day the past is coming to get me. I'm terrified of getting out of bed as something will trigger panic. + +If someone can relate to this then I virtually plead for a comment or chat. I feel like I am losing control of my thoughts and emotions and this goes for sober life as much as when I drink.",Anxiety +52079,weed anxiety i recently woke up from a really bad high and i am absolutely riddled with anxiety. i’ve got high quite a few times before and have never had a reaction this bad. i’m fortunate i was in a safe environment with people i trusted. now this morning i don’t even want to get out of bed and i am full of so much regret for how i spent my night. i’ve actually made amazing progress with my anxiety and haven’t been at this level for so long. i don’t want this hiccup to undermine my progress but i truly feel horrible. anyone experienced anything similar?,Anxiety +52080,"talking weed use with therapist how do your therapists react when you tell them you consume cannabis? I’ve gotten everything from the non-judgmental “does that help?” to a full on rant about how drugs can cause more anxiety/depression and please let us know if you’re on other drugs… I wonder if they’re giving the same rant for people who drink multiple times a werk. + +I think my main regret with bringing it up is I feel like therapists don’t see me as reliable anymore. which is really funny because I consume a very small amount of edibles about two-three times a mo. and i don’t drink alcohol or use any other substances. but I can see it on their face that they don’t believe me. it seems like a catch 22. does it even help to be honest?",Anxiety +52081,"Tiktok makes me have panic attacks I dont know if this goes here, im sorry in advance. + +Every time i open tiktok, theres this tarot lady giving her readings. At first i was like, ok... Maybe its some random thing, but lately this tarot stuff is appearing everywhere on my fyp. + +I have relationship anxiety and general anxiety too (im working on it), and i have a bf. +The thing is, all this tarot readings are, since day one i downloaded the app, saying that my bf doesnt love me or that he's gonna break up with me. I know its not true but they still manage to put me in a anxious state. + +Literally, a couple of mins ago a video of those appeared and well, it gave me a panic attack. + +I dont know what to do anymore, blocking that kind of content is no use and deleting the app isnt a solution too. I've tried it before but those videos start appearing on my instagram and facebook. + +Does anyone have advice? Please.",Anxiety +52082,Anyone have chronic anxiety 24/7 I feel so anxious throughout the day and night. Then going sleep have insomnia. Then start hypnic jerking as I'm abouts to go sleep and gasp for a breath whilst I get some anxious panic sensation. I really hate having anxiety and stress. I also feel dizzy and lightheaded throughout the day. Heart palpitations always on 1 aswell.,Anxiety +52083,Throwing up Is anyone so anxious all of the time they throw up every day? It’s been really bad for me the past few weeks with throwing up in the mornings but I honestly feel like I could wretch at any given moment. Has anything helped with this?,Anxiety +52084,"Can't talk to people on games I used to not play games with voice chat and I'd be fine, but recently I've been playing with voice chat. I notice my friends never seem affected by toxicity, but no matter how much people are toxic to me I just don't get used to it. Even when I'm not mad and just joking, my eyes water up, I'm flustered, and my breath is shaky. I have social anxiety but I never got bothered online about it, usually just in person and on the phone. Anyone else affected by this?",Anxiety +52085,"Vision, fatigue? Have chronic vision issues such as extreme light sensitivity, and visual snow. Also chronic fatigue. I can work and workout but always just tired. + +Has anyone had this and found treatments to successfully heal the brain/body?",Anxiety +52086,Meds Help?! 💔 Hi beautiful people. I have pretty bad PTSD with life long anxiety and panic attacks. It is really bad lately and I’m considering medication. I’m a very happy person naturally and have never been bored a day in my life but the flip side of that is feeling EVERYTHING. Hoping you guys can help me. I was on Lexapro a few years ago for one year. I lost my zest for life but it absolutely saved me during a very hard time. I gained a bunch of weight which was not good because I struggle hard with my weight to begin with. Is anyone on something that did not cause them to gain weight but did work? Im just sick of being in constant fear. I quit caffeine and that helped but lately everything is causing me to panic. Please help if you have any experience with meds. Thank you so much!,Anxiety +52087,"i rly need help rn please i need someone to talk too, im all alone, having a rly bad anxiety attack. i just started dissociating and idk what else to do other than talk to someone, i feel so alone rn",Anxiety +52088,"Hands falling asleep. Past few days, I’ve woken up in the night with my hands tingly and asleep, where I have had to shake my fingers to wake them up. And if I try to fall asleep, I can feel light tingles in my hands. It hasn’t been throughout the day, at least not that I have noticed, but I was wondering if anyone else has had symptoms like this?",Anxiety +52089,Unplug with us during OfflineDay (Mod approved) Over at /r/OfflineDay we go 24 hours without screens or social media once a month and our next event is 7-8 April. We would love for you to join us if you feel like screens has taken a hold of your life or you just want to escape from our modern world for a day and Reconnect with yourself.,Anxiety +52090,"Crippling I am in the process of buying a house and I need a verification of employment from a former job I had a couple years ago, but my crippling anxiety is through the roof thinking about asking for that. I don’t want to have to talk to them.",Anxiety +52091,"It sounds dumb, and I'll add more context in the post, but if a girl doesn't follow me on social media, is that a sign she dislikes me? I know that sounds like a really dumb and childish question. + + I have a crush on a girl. My brother is friend's with her brother. My brother and her are also friends and seem to talk often. + +She had a crush on and liked my brother at some point, maybe she still does, I have no idea. + +Sadly, we never really talk or anything, especially outside of social gatherings where the whole ""group"" is already hanging out. I spoke directly to her, and vice versa a handful of times yesterday while we were all hanging out. + +It was kind of me just speaking for the sake of speaking, I didn't go out of my way to do it too much though because I was very anxious, nervous, and insecure around her. + +Anyway, we've never interacted on social media, and she hasn't followed me or anything even though she probably knows that I have some social media accounts, for example, on Twitter she has most likely seen me reply to my brother's tweets. + +Am I just being childish and over-analyzing social media? + +I'm afraid she thinks I dislike her, and or dislikes me. + +She probably thinks I'm weird anyway. I don't think she would like me or find me attractive in any way. I think she can tell I'm ambitionless and socially awkward and maybe mentally a little odd.",Anxiety +52092,"I am 18 Just looking for people who suffered from anxiety, agoraphobia. it kind of feels like I just got spat out into the world. I left highschool partly due to mental health problems and wanting to move on to other things. I am not going back to high school and will probably do a TAFE course (I don’t need people telling me to go back to highschool) its different in my country (Australia). + +Just looking for people who suffered from anxiety, agoraphobia. it kind of feels like I just got spat out into the world, im being supported by my parents as of now and probably for a few more years but just so incredibly stressed because I am having a really hard time getting out of the house and dealing with my mental health (I have a therapist, do ACT therapy, meditate) just really worried that I am going to fuck things up and become addicted to drugs on the street, at least I will be out of the house 😭",Anxiety +52093,I can't focus My attention is split between the task im doing and the result of the task and its making me worse at everything and im sabotaging myself.,Anxiety +52094,"I’m tired of this, anyone that can chat with me? I’m tired of the anxiety and feeling nauseous or just unwell to the point where i start to tremble. I just want a friend honestly 😪",Anxiety +52095,"Is it bad that people give me advice so I can try to get over my ex, but I don’t seem to take any of their advice out of fear? I don’t even know why I won’t take their advice. I guess I’m just too stubborn.",Anxiety +52096,"Might take a while to get my meds, what can I do? Hello. So it’s been a while since I posted on here. +It’s been a while since I’ve been able to get my meds. A mixture of Not being able to see my doctor/ refills being denied because I need to see him for a checkup. + +I have a weird work schedule and his appointments are on days where I can’t make it (I work mid shift, 5 days a week). I got an appointment with him but it’s not till April 11. + +I’m kind of struggling. Mainly I’m at work and if feels like I’m There but I’m not there. I’m on edge from the stress of work and school and every few minutes I feel like crying and screaming at people because recently, I feel like people are acting stupid for no reason. It’s just little things that are annoying me and It’s just so stressful. + +What can I do to make it until April 11? I’m not in a crisis or anything but I just need advice, if that’s alright? + +Edit: My medications are WellbutrinXL and Duloxetine. I haven’t had these since February 20th? That’s when I ran out, and I’ve been taking these since July of 2022.",Anxiety +52097,I can't handle living on my own I want to go home back to my parents house. I don't know how to be an adult with all my problems. I'm too anxious and depressed to face the world. But my mom doesn't quite understand. I still want to go home. I don't like being alone all the time. It's scary here by myself.,Anxiety +52098,"I just got prescribed medicine I’ve been wanting to try anxiety medicine for a while now because it’s just getting to be too much, my new NP was so nice and explained my concerns to me, she prescribed me citalopram 20mg 1 per day, and then an additional as needed (for more stressful days she described) hydroxyzine pamoate 25mg, waiting on the prescriptions to be filled but wondering if anyway has taken these are their experiences with them? I’ve never been on medicine before but I’m excited for help :)",Anxiety +52099,"I need such a small trigger and all hell breaks loose This sucks so much. Lately I need such a small trigger. So insignificant that I might now even notice it but turns out I did cause then suddenly I can’t breathe and start feeling dizzy and then the palpitations start. At this point deep breaths don’t seem to help. Overwhelming guilt over absolutely nothing consumes me. I hate, hate living like this.",Anxiety +52100,"Overworked college student There’s a lot of people in need here, and I just wanted to start by saying that all of you matter and I hope you can find healing soon<3 + +I’m a college junior majoring in engineering and this semester is by far the hardest. I’ve always dealt with anxiety, but it’s been terrible this semester. I think about freshman and sophmore me and I don’t remember ever being this anxious. I think all the years of stress of engineering school have finally gotten to me. Between internships and summer classes, I haven’t gotten much of a break. Winter breaks do help, but I’ve noticed that the “recharged feeling” I have after has lasted less and less after each one. I know I’m almost to senior year and it’ll get easier, but I’m just really overwhelmed. I shouldn’t be feeling this stressed all the time. Having so much anxiety has made me feel down. Anyone have any encouraging words or tips? Thanks!",Anxiety +52101,"Being treated like a drug addict I have been on antidepressants since the age 15. I have severe anxiety that sometimes leads to anxiety attacks. In the past few months…. 1) I hit a deer equaling $4000 worth of damage with a $2000 deductible; 2) I used all my sick days at work; 3) my psychiatrist quit and I wasn’t able to get my Zoloft or adhd meds filled; 4) an electrical panel in my car stopped working; 5) I paid almost $200 for a rental car while mine was in the shop and I couldn’t even use it the first day because it wouldn’t make it up my icy driveway, causing me to be late for work. + +It was that day I decided to go to my usual walk in clinic to see if they could call me in Zoloft because I was having a hard time getting out of bed. See, your body can’t stay in fight or flight mode indefinitely (which is what anxiety is) so eventually it has to shut down (depression). I get there and they tell me I have to have an appointment. That was apparently the straw that broke the camel’s back. I began crying and hyperventilating. It was one of my worst panic attacks ever. Part of me was concerned they were going to have me committed. They were able to call in a 30 day supply and made me a follow up appointment. Which was today. + +And they remembered my scene. So obviously my erratic behavior is because I’m a drug addict. I never once had to take a drug test to get my adhd meds with my old psych. This time they asked me to pee in a cup. I have anxiety so of course my first thought was that they thought I was bonkers the other day, but I had nothing to hide so I obliged. When I got home I got a call saying they couldn’t call in my meds because I tested positive for opiates. Excuse me? That’s IMPOSSIBLE. They said I would need to bring in a prescription to explain the reason I failed. I said I hadn’t taken anything, and that I could now care less about my medicine but this needed fixed to clear my name. They said they could send it off to the lab, and I said YES YOU BETTER DO THAT! Yes, I am still being emotional and irrational at this point. Not because of what they are accusing me but because my seratonin and dopamine receptors DO NOT WORK like they should…which is the reason I was going there for help. Instead, they decide to bring a devastating accusation against a person with emotional dysregulation (ADHD) and anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder). It is negligence. What if this behavior caused a person to harm themselves? Do no harm. The way in which they handled this was very harmful. Almost as if they have no training on how to handle delicate individual (which medical personnel should). + +I did some research and guess what….poppy seeds! I just made a batch of lemon poppy muffins the day before yesterday. Surely the lab will be able to differentiate between poppy seeds and an actual drug, right??? It’s a small town and I KNOW they will break patient confidentiality because I’m a teacher…I just know it…I’ve had soMe of their kids in class. Of course they will tell other parents. + +I’m done with my ADHD meds…I refuse to jump through these hoops anymore. And to be treated like a criminal. I’m erratic yes, but not because of drugs. I’m falling apart right now.",Anxiety +52102,"Suffering Hey all. Just reaching out to those who are more knowledgeable then me about this topic. +I am 21 and healthy I workout 5 times a week and I am suffering from terrible anxiety at night. Not really the over thinking and worrying but more so physically. I have chest pain at night and cannot get to sleep most nights. I have trouble winding down to fall asleep. I am making this post because right now I am shaking uncontrollably and I do not feel myself. Like the walls are closing in and I’m gonna die. I am and have been suffering for the last few months. Any idea what I can do about this?",Anxiety +52103,"Can I get some reassurance on attending a concert? Hi everyone. Am so excited to see one of my fave artists in concert this summer. However, because it's all general admission standing tickets, my anxiety has already kicked off on crowd crush fears, fears of feeling claustrophobic, and fears of terrorist attacks. I've only been to one concert before and it was in a huge roomy stadium and I could sit down and knew my escape routes lol. I'd just love to hear any stories of if anyone else has felt this way and how you dealt. Thank you xxx",Anxiety +52104,"Moving back in w my parents at 23 I’m a 23 yo female who has been through the ringer the past few months. Started with anxiety based on some life circumstances and changes but quickly progressed into anxiety and depression. Living with my fantastic boyfriend but I’m currently unemployed and this is my biggest struggle right now. I just started w a new therapist and upped my meds. however, my thoughts are bad and I’m scared I’m getting to the point of no return + +The problem is I will rot living w my boyfriend right now, I’m doing nothing but waiting for him to get home. He’s doing his absolute very best and I’m so thankful for him and all he’s done for me. We aren’t breaking up and we have talked it through and both understand that moving back in w my parents is probably a good thing, as I will be able to focus on myself and my mom is a fantastic support system and is no stranger to depression/anxiety. My goal is to heal and find myself. With hopes of coming back when I get myself through this storm. + +Anyone else have to do this or something similar? It’s a very trying time for me and I know that by doing this I will have to take responsibility for my issues with my mom pushing me through it.",Anxiety +52105,"I cant participate in gym. I (16M) am terrified of gym class. I just found out that I am forced to take it next year inorder to pass grade 12. Im scared of getting hit by the balls flying around. When ever im on a team, we always loose because I cant do anything, which makes everyone hate me. + +Im also terrified of the changing rooms. I cant even take off my shirt in front of other people, let alone my pants. I dont even like going to school with a shirt on, I have to wear a hoodie. + +Someone please help me.",Anxiety +52106,"The whole congressional hearing about Tiktok is making my stomach churn I am absolutely taken aback of how bad the xenphobia and racism is in the hearing. The congressmem and women are treating the CEO like a literal child. Speaking to him in such an insulting, rude, and hostile way. + +My stomach twists and turns with so much anxiety, acknowledging how bad..bad these higherups are. Care for the children they say, yeah..idk about that..seems like other social medias aren't getting as much heat. + +I feel sick to my stomach. I can't imagine being humiliated and disrespected like that because of my race and my successful business. Be successful but never more than *them* because then they can't control over you.",Anxiety +52107,"Very sudden onset of physical anxiety symptoms? Hi all, + +I never struggled with anxiety like this before, when suddenly I had a panic attack for the first time last month - I felt suddenly extremely uncomfortable and ""trapped/unsafe"" in the minutes leading up to it but the whole time I was still thinking rationally. But the physical symptoms were definitely there and since then I've been having these mini bouts of extremely rapid hyperventilation just randomly through the day and tightness/pain in the chest/stomach. + +These originally happened whenever I thought any remotely negative thought at all, but now they're just popping up at random times. Currently I'm sat here with my stomach in knots and feeling like I'm about to cry for absolutely no reason at all. I wouldn't say I'm very worried about anything in particular (just the normal things I've been a little stressed about my whole life, like school) but it's getting really annoying to have these small (or on occasion, full-blown) anxiety attacks nearly every day. + +Again, this is all completely new to me. I'm prone to overstressing or worrying at times but these symptoms don't seem to be completely related to that since they come on so randomly and I feel like they would have popped up sooner during more stressful times in my life? If anyone has any insight it would be much appreciated, because it's getting really freaking annoying and interfering with my schoolwork and personal relationships. At this point would something like therapy even help me if it's so primarily physical? What do I do??? Thank you!",Anxiety +52108,"psychiatrist won’t do anything i went to the psychiatrist yesterday which i’d been looking forward to bc my anxiety has been so bad lately that the second i get out of school i’m already anxious to go back the next day, or all weekend i’m anxious. and when i’m at school i’m feeling the most gut wrenching anxiety i’ve felt in my entire life. also i throw up when i’m anxious. so every day i throw up, usually at school. teachers are sick of me missing and needing to sit somewhere to relax. i told my psychiatrist, who acts confused every time she sees me and i’ve only seen her treat 5 year olds, that i will die if i do not start feeling better. because it has led me to feeling pretty hopeless and it often is so bad that it does feel like i’m dying. she just increased the amount of my medicine i’m already on (that’s obviously not working) for the 279037th time even though i told her i wanted to try something else or get something fast acting. she just said she wouldn’t give me anything fast acting because i’m young. i’m so tired of living like this. what can i do? i’m in therapy 10 hours a week for this and other reasons but i need something to hold me up until i can get through the day completely on what i’m learning in therapy.",Anxiety +52109,My anxiety wakes me up I normally had night sweats. I’ll wake up sudden with major urgency. I find myself feeling like I woke up late but I really wake up the same time everyday that leads to productivity. First thoughts are financial stresses and that usually dictates my day. I try to keep my mind busy or have a morning routine to stop it from happen but I feel like I’m ignoring the problem? What should I do next to help with morning anxiety?,Anxiety +52110,"Hi yall! Hey loves, hope you guys are doing okay! I made a google classroom if anyone needs anything like breathing videos, inspirational comments, daily check-in quizzes! <3 class code is **qa62sk7 have a good night yall!**",Anxiety +52111,"I have health anxiety and one of my worst fears came true. My bf found out he has a rare genetic disorder that has a 50% chance to be hereditary. Where to go from there without going too crazy? +I have HA and one of my worst fears came true. My bf found out he has a rare genetic disorder that has a 50% chance to be inherited. + +We're commited and planning kids in the future. I freak out over a fuckin cough and this is driving me crazy. + +For me, the worst part is that my boyfriend is an absolute flegmatic and works on ""don't think about what you can't solve"" approach. I almost broke down when he brought the results home and he was just like... ""We'll see what to do when it happens, it's not like there's something we can do about it"" and then I saw in the report that they offered him an assisted reproduction option when we'll want kids and asked him if he'll want to go down that route and he said ""Dunno"" and it was obvious that he's not too excited about it"". But, like, how can you even THINK about risking 50% chance of it being inherited by our child??? It drives me absolutely bonkers. Why would you even be willing to RISK it when there is way safe option that is not that natural but would ensure that we'll have a thriving, healthy baby? And especially when the other alternative is pretty miserable, both physically and mentally? + +We've been together for years and at this point I know him. I know he only seems to not care because he has a hard time explaining and showing his emotions. I also know I am being terribly, terribly unfair towards him for feeling frustrated at him. He just found out something so crucial! He needs time and space to deal with it and he needs my support. Instead I am the one demanding emotional support from him (I am demanding it only here don't worry, I don't plan to freak out on him while he's going through this). I don't understand why I am being so selfish when usually I put others first automatically. + +But most stress inducing thing about it is, he mentioned some of my health issues to the genetic center and now they want to see me too because they have ""a small suspicion"" that there might be something from my side too. Of course, I googled the signs of what he has and, well, I am not surprised they want to see me, I check all the boxes, even skeletal malformation. + +What's keeping me sane is the knowledge that the disorder is incredibly rare and that neither of my siblings show any (obvious) signs of it. That in itself should logically be enough to reassure me that I am FINE, but my brain refuses to accept it. I feel like someone took me, stuffed me into a washing machine and turned on a turbo wash. And I want to scream. + +AAAAAAAAAA + +Whew, thanks you for letting me get it all out. I really need to find therapist again, and my man is coming with me this time. + +Anyone has any experience with micro deletions in their family? Or has anyone gone through anything similar? How did you manage to calm yourself down while waiting for the doctors to set up the appointment/run the tests? I heard it can take half a year to get an appointment, and then half a year till they tell you your test results. How did you survive for this long with this uncertainty?",Anxiety +52112,"Can having a concussion cause severe GAD? Preface: +23 y.o. male at time of accident + +NYE 2012. I smoked a blunt for the first time, and (the equivalent of) overdosed. Legs felt weak, had to sit down. + +I smoked it in at the bottom of my road, so I sat down on a neighbour so outside wall (roughly 4ft high). Next thing I knew I woke up on the pavement looking up. I later found out from friends that were with me that I had fallen head first onto the concrete sidewalk, from about 4 ft high. I am 99.999999% I had a concussion. + +Anyway, next day, all was fine - no anxiety. Obvious scars and bloody face but nothing else. + +About two weeks later, I decide to play soccer with friends. The ball hit the back of head from behind. I immediately fell to my knees, and from what I remember, was dizzy etc. then it kind of just went. + +15 mins later, we left and had a short walk to the local restaurant. Half way there, I had immense lain in my stomach and groin area. I fell to my knees again on the sidewalk near the restaurant. I then managed to walk to the restaurant and immediately went into the toilet. + +I felt sick, anxious, weird, nauseous, etc. then, cur my first panic attack. + +Even since then, a whole 12 years, I had had Generalized Anxiety Disorder (diagnosed 2013). + +How does that even happen? I don’t understand how hitting my head would cause that? Did I accidentally damage my amygdala/hippocampus when falling? + +Thanks.",Anxiety +52113,"Obsessive thoughts about the past Hello. + +For about a year, I've been having these obsessive thoughts about the past, all the ways I've messed up and things I did wrong. It's kinda ridiculous; I worry about things that happened 10 od so years ago, and I was just a kid back then, only about 12. I think about newer things too, but especially back then, I was cringy and mean to others for no reason (I didn't like the band that they did. I never bullied them, but I would kinda laugh at them and point out that they're being pandered to. Now I would just turn away and ignore them, I don't know what was up with me back then. To my defense I was almost always the youngest of the group, surrounded by people who were 14-16, from both sides). + +I feel like I'm a terrible human being and that I will be punished for them any day now; I don't know how exactly, by some external force that will come from outside of my home. I'm afraid that people who know me now and are my friends or people I'll meet in the future will judge me so hard and turn away from me. I've deleted every old social media account I could remember, I still make sure that my old emails are active so that I could delete any more if I'll remember. I'm on pretty heavy medications (antidepressants, three doses of synthetic pregabalin and an antipsychotic to quell my anxiety further), and I can function well, but these thoughts still come to me randomly and make me anxious. + +I don't know what to do anymore; My biggest wish is to just move on from that period of my life and close this chapter. On one hand, if someone came to me with thoughts like these, I would tell them that it was so long ago, and they have likely very little to do with the person they were at 13; Besides, everyone was a bit of a little shit at that age. But for some reason, when it comes to me, I just can't free myself; When I get scared, I feel like an ensnared wikd animal, only the snare is just in my head. + +Did any of you struggle with something like this? What should I do?",Anxiety +52114,Anxiety only after 2 beers Is this normal? Tbh I’m not a big drinker and I drank two beers tonight cut to hours later before I go to bed I get a major stomach ache and anxiety. Why does this happen to me :(,Anxiety +52115,"I have anxiety about spending money. So I just spent a bunch of money on video games (the online store for the Nintendo 3DS and WiiU is closing soon and I wanted to get a bunch of games before they’re gone forever). I could afford this purchase and I still have plenty of money in my bank account, but I can’t shake this feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach. It’s like there’s this voice in the back of my head calling me an idiot for spending so much money on video games when I could be saving it for emergencies. It’s not just with big purchases either, I still get this feeling whenever I buy a $10 lunch too. + +I think this whole thing started when I was around 5. I was at the store with my parents and I wanted to buy a toy, but my mom said something about how we didn’t have the money for toys. I, being the stupid kid that I was, interpreted this as “we don’t have a lot of money” and that the family was one bad financial decision away from poverty. Of course this was not the case but that didn’t stop me from feeling guilty about making my parents spend money on me.and that guilt has followed me even now when I’m making my own money. + +So am I crazy for feeling this way? What are some steps I can take to get rid of this guilt?",Anxiety +52116,"Food induced anxiety is a special kind of hell I’ve been a health freak for as long as I can remember but in the last year or so it’s dictated my eating habits so severely. If I eat anything that I’ve decided is “unhealthy” I get such bad anxiety, I feel as if I am poisoning myself, and figuring out what I can buy at grocery stores is so draining, every store trip is like running through an obstacle course. It’s getting really bad again, and I spiraled today after falling into a rabbit hole on how most of our food has heavy metals in it, most notably spices, herbs, chocolate, and root vegetables. After a massive crying fit, I threw out my cocoa powder and am currently wondering what to do with all of the grains, vegetables, spices, and herbs I have because I don’t see any of it as edible anymore. I don’t know what I can eat now. I’m so sick of food being like poison to me. I envy the people that can just eat and barely think about what it might be doing to their bodies.",Anxiety +52117,"Random dehydrated feeling some days Does anybody else have this? Some days I can feel relaxed, loose and chilled, and on other days my body feels hot and sweaty with a strong heartbeat and no matter how much I try to wait it out the sensation doesn't pass. Normal?",Anxiety +52118,Feeling unloved and depressed Feeling like a brainless idiot who’s going nowhere in life,Anxiety +52119,"Does anyone subconsciously hold your breath in while you’re doing things like even just laying in bed using your phone? +I can’t even do simple tasks in peace. Even if I’m adjusting to sleep and using my phone in bed, my heart feels like it’s about to explode if I don’t take a deep breath in every few seconds because I hold my breath in subconsciously or that’s what my body just does to me at least. And then my heart rate gets up and I feel so uneasy and breathless from literally just lying down using my phone. I hate this shit. I can’t even yawn properly or take a deep breath in, it always gets cut off and I’m left feeling like I’m about to suffocate.",Anxiety +52120,"i'm tired and i want to die Can someone give me a reason not to die? If you say something sensible, I will not commit suicide.",Anxiety +52121,"I'm having palpitations right now.. Before anyone reads, I'm in the middle of an anxiety attack so everything in this post is everywhere and some words may be misspelled. + +I think I know why too because the last time it happened I ate food that caused me to have a previous anxiety attack. + +After I finish this I'm going to get some sleep so I will read any comments and make the necessary corrections to this post in the morning. + +So anyway. I went across the street from work today to get some food from this ""chicken spot"" called Kennedy Chicken, I live in NYC, they're on every corner. + +ALL of their food is super duper unhealthy. It's all deep fried foods. Chicken and mozzarella sticks is what I ate. They even gave me spoiled marinara sauce which I didn't eat because I noticed as soon as I opened the sauce container, the air pressure made the sauce fly everywhere on my hands and there were bubbles in it. I smelled it and it had an obvious spoiled smell to it like fermented tomatoes. 😖 I'm never eating from there again. EVER! And honestly I don't know how they're even still open. + +It has been a while since I ate their food until today. + +I've been trying to eat healthier foods. Even if I have to order out on days I don't pack my lunch at home, I choose a healthier option. + +OR!!.. or.. + +It could be that I haven't been getting enough sleep since Monday. And everytime I feel the palpitations coming on, I always go to sleep and the next morning I feel better. + +I've been to the ER multiple times for palpitations and they tell me it's due to stress and not enough sleep. + +I work a full time job and I used up all my pto so it's difficult for me to take a day or two off for myself. + +*figuratively rips hair out* + +I hate working full time and I think I'm about to make a big sacrifice and go part time. Or maybe I just need to ride it out... I have so many financial issues right now that I can't do this anymore. + +I want to move back home with my family.. but I don't have a car... I don't have money.... I need to buy at least a month's worth of food for 1 person (me) so I don't have to order out. + +I don't have any idea how I've come this far and haven't ended up homeless. + +At this point I'm rambling and I need a hug... but these are things I'm dealing with at the moment. + +That food honestly tasted horrible though. 😕 I'm betting on my palpitations being caused by both lack of sleep and the fast food though. + +I wish there was a way to get my rent lowered so that I can afford to pay all my bills properly... I might talk to my roommate about it and see what she says. + +Okay.. if I have anything else left to talk about I'll make another post. + +Thank you to anyone who decides to read this craziness!",Anxiety +52122,"I hate my anxiety. Anything that will alter/change my life in some way gives me anxiety. +Examples +7-years ago my bf(now husband) and I bought a dog. I cried and cried the first night we got him because i was soo scared of having totake care of anything else besides me. A few weeks later, the anxiety disappeared. I absolutely love my dog. +7-years ago i left my first job after being there for 5 years. I cried and cried. Had so much anxiety leading up to the new interview. Had ssoo much anxiety after being told i was hired. I was terrified of failing, not being able to pay my bills. So much so, that i asked for my job back. But was ghosted because they were upset i had quit in the first place. 7 years later still at this (new)job, its consistent, i make money. I feel secure. And glad i left the place prior. +3years ago i got engaged but wasn’t anxious about anything. Because we halted planning a wedding to buy a house +2 years ago my fiancé and i bought a house. It was fun leading up to the week before closing. The day before i was crying, anxious, scared. I felt like iwas making a mistake. What if we lose the house? What if something happens and we cant afford it because we have a mortgage now. I was fine after a couple days. Im sssoo happy in my home. +8 months ago, i got married. For the 3/4 months leading up to the wedding, i had horrible anxiety. Every single night id have lingering anxiety, some nights better than others, but always there. +The week before the wedding i was a mess, scared of being married, scared of the change. But i am ssoo in love with my fiancé, he is my everything. I couldn’t understand the anxiety because i was happy! The day of the wedding i was emotion filled, i couldnt talk to anyone while getting ready, i was a nervous wreck. Once we left the church i felt ssooo different! I was actually FEELING how i felt. Happy, excited, in love. Not anxious. The reception was amazing! Im soo happy! + +Now-im 29, husband is 30. We are talking about kids. I want them, but im sssooo afraid of the anxiety i know ill have. Im scared of the pregnancy, what if i have a difficult time, what if im anxious like i was for the wedding for all 9months? Im soo scared of giving birth, of the potential postpartum depression, me not connecting. Or what if i dont connect with baby? Idk im already anxious thinking about having an approximate date to get off birth control. Im scared. I brought up adoption but i hate the fact that id rather chose adoption JUST because of the anxiety. I know ill deal with it when the time comes closer to adopt. But it wont be 9months. +Why does my body do this to me. I hate my anxiety. +Who else deals with this? How do you overcome?",Anxiety +52123,Anxiety swallowing pills I have terrible anxiety whenever I have to swallow a pill even if it's small because when I was younger I would always get the pill stuck in my throat. I found out I can trick my anxiety by putting the pill in a small spoon of pudding. I hope to one day be able to swallow pills normally buy for now I've found a good stepping block. I wanted to share just in case anyone else has this issue!,Anxiety +52124,"Will SSRIs help me? (Anxious about sleep) + +Hello! I had a really bad insomnia last February which made me sleep every other day for a week. My sleep has been okay since my family doctor presrcibed me Hydroxyzine 10mg for sleep. Although I've been sleeping well, I now have this feat surrounding sleep. Everyday all I think about is sleep, which makes me anxious and unproductive all day. It made me lose interest on the things i used to enjoy. Even before the insomnia, I was really anxious about many things, especially my health. Do you guys think SSRIs will help me? Or i should go with therapy? Thank you!",Anxiety +52125,"Don't know if I'm in the right place for this... Recently it was seeming like my life was finally getting on track. I had taken control of my addictions, I was being more productive, I was seeing myself changing into a better person. Good things were happening. + +Then out of nowhere everything just came crashing down, like many times before. + +I don't know if people think like me, or that far ahead for that matter, but I don't think I am the only one who fears such an overwhelming anxiety about not achieving whatever it is you want in life. + +I have been feeling like I won't ever be able to achieve even the most basic things that all other humans are able to achieve. I can't explain the reason why I feel this way, but it's basically being anxious that I'm failing at life as a whole and that I'm not taking advantage of the precious time that I have on earth. + +Like I'm just here and wish to stay here, but when do I start ""living""?",Anxiety +52126,any tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks while at work? i’ve always had anxiety and panic attacks but lately it has been getting worse and i can’t seem to pinpoint why or what is triggering it. on friday last week i had the worst panic attack i’ve ever had while at work and i couldn’t stop crying and shaking for at least 45 mins and today it happened again but for even longer and my boss ended up sending me home since i couldn’t calm down which made me feel really bad as i haven’t worked much this week. at first i thought it might be the sertaline i started taking but i’ve been taking it since new year’s eve and my anxiety is only now starting to get worse,Anxiety +52127,"Trembling when talking about things I’m around, and don’t scare me after having bad experience with weed edibles This might be a long post so sorry about that but I just want to have all the details. Back in December my now ex girlfriend gave me 2 weed edible gummies that were around a year old (I think) I’m not entirely sure if this is true or not but I think they were each about 50 mg when brand new. This was the first time I’ve done any drugs or anything like that not even weed but I wanted them from her and accepted them with a smile on my face being excited to do them. I then get home and eat them both at once and I’m feeling pretty awesome and happy but can’t really focus on anything and I’m laughing a lot and smiling at everything while on a FaceTime call with some friends. Then I start noticing my heart was beating incredibly fast and strong (at least I think it was) I thought the left side of my chest would explode and started freaking out about that. I ended up freaking out and having a almost full on panic attack and thought I was going to die and forced myself to throw up, then laid in the shower for about 2 hours on the coldest setting not realizing I was shivering and shaking like crazy the entire time I then force myself to sleep and wake up thinking I’m dead and feeling like shit for the next week or so and had weird pains in my chest. I then cut off almost all contact with the girlfriend (thinking back I shouldn’t have done this and I do feel bad I was just so shaken up because of that experience) fast forward to now I am around lots of talk about drugs I always have but about 3 weeks ago when I was going to smoke my fiends cart for the first time, just talking about it gave me these tremors and I was shaking until I calmed down about 10 minutes later but I was talking to him with a smile on my face wanting to hit his cart I wasn’t scared at all I just got these shakes, these jitters in my legs I don’t even understand why their happening when I’m actually in front of or about to do drugs that don’t even scare me just on Wednesday I was going to buy some weed (regular flower) from my other friend and I got the same trembles just texting him and had to play it off with the people next to me saying I’m cold. Basically what I’m asking is what is wrong with me? And how can I overcome these tremors/shakes when around these things this may seem really stupid or not a big deal but I’m not sure what’s causing it please help me thank you.",Anxiety +52128,"Anxiety about taking Zoloft for the first time, can I have some encouragement? I’m a 19f. I’ve been struggling with anxiety since highschool. I was raised to believe medicines for this kind of thing are evil. But I cant live like this anymore. I’m anxious 24/7. It never stops. My panic attacks will last hours sometimes. + +I’m scared of becoming a zombie. I don’t want my good emotions to be taken. I don’t want to derealize and become numb. Idk, I’m scared. Hilariously I’m anxious about it. I was just wondering, will I go numb? What if I’m so numb I don’t even realize it? What if I’m so numb I can’t decide to stop taking it?",Anxiety +52129,"Had a massive panic attack 2 days ago and now the my anxiety symptoms are all starting to come back. Idk what to do anymore I am currently stressing atm and am at a loss for what to do. Im just sitting and now the left half of my body feels like it’s going numb, I feel like my thoughts are racing and I even have head tightness. Even been having some tingling as well. I am super stressed now and don’t know what to do anymore, for the past few months I managed to return to somewhat being able to do most of the things I used to regularly be able to do before I had my first major panic attack a year and a half ago. After the panic attack 2 days ago I don’t feel the same, idk if this half numb feeling with the tingling and calf pain is because of the effects of anxiety or if it’s anything to do with dp, my mind keeps going blank and I’m at a loss.",Anxiety +52130,"Any alternatives to hydroxyzine? At the moment I take hydroxyzine for my panic attacks. It works okay, especially since my main panic attack symptom is nausea, but is there a better alternative? I feel it isn’t working good enough when I need it.",Anxiety +52131,"Health Anxiety I'm freaking out 😭😭 we're getting renovations done in our house, and I stupidly walked on the paint tarps with bare feet while carrying my basket of clean sheets/blankets to my room. I was walking all over my room with my bare feet, and then some of my blankets fell out the basket and onto where I walked with my paint feet. So now I'm worried there's paint particles all in my sheets and blankets and I'll go blind 😭 it's midnight and I need to go to bed I can't rewash and dry them right now 😭😭😭",Anxiety +52132,"I've missed about 3 weeks of class and I'm too embarrassed to go back-what do I do? Hi, I've recently started medication to help manage my anxiety. While adjusting to the medication, I noticed it helped my society anxiety a lot because I stopped caring. However, the downside is that I started to become very apathetic about everything and lost a lot of motivation to even get out bed/go to class. + +I've recently started a new medication and so far feelings of apathy/lack of productivity have improved, and I can now finish tasks (still not perfect, but I feel like with such a low starting dose it feels back to like how I've felt pre-medication.) The problem is, my social anxiety has gone back up. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to have missed so much class. I tried really hard this week and forced myself to go to classes I've been avoiding, but there is one class that I'm especially having a hard time getting myself to attend. The problem is, the class is very discussion based and we have predetermined groups we work with the entire semester. I'm worried my groupmates will judge me because I haven't been to class in so long, I just want to avoid the awkward confrontation ""Where have you been?"" even though I know it's inevitable. How do I force myself to go to class?",Anxiety +52133,"Circle of Anxiety Anyone just feel trapped in a circle of anxiety? Mine is with my heart and taking my blood pressure. Every time I go to the docs my BP shoots up to like 180/90. The docs typically say it’s probably just white coat syndrome when I tell them about my anxiety. They do suggest that I try taking it at home. Buuuuut I know if I take it at home, I’ll already have worked myself into a state of panic—so it’s going to be high. But then I’m worried because I’m not taking it so I’m anxious hahah. What a cluster. Anyone else relate?",Anxiety +52134,"Time to leave or anxiety taking over? Recently I have been doubting everything, my job, my friendships and heavily doubt my relationship. +Before my anxiety was all consuming my relationship was great but over the last few months it's felt like it has deteriorated. +I can't tell if this is just my anxious brain because I literally doubt everything at the moment or whether this is a sign I should leave. +Does anyone have any experience with this?",Anxiety +52135,"I want to cry but my anxiety is preventing me from crying I have constant anxiety, every second of every day, and it's been a few years since I've even come close to crying, but my feelings of sadness are nothing compared to my anxious response to wanting to cry. I always get to the verge of letting it all out but then it feels like my stomach implodes with anxiety and I have thoughts about memories I've repressed, which just increases my anxiety even more until I'm stuck in the fetal position. Sometimes I let it pass naturally, sometimes I scream, or punch my stomach. + +I just, I don't know, I feel like I wanna cry forever to let everything out + +Not sure if anyone will see this, but I really appreciate any response",Anxiety +52136,"Has anyone noticed their anxiety gets worse throughout the day? I’ve begun to realize that throughout the day my anxiety gets worse. I wake up feeling okay, but as I go through my day, something happens where I begin feeling more overwhelmed. Has anyone else noticed this?",Anxiety +52137,"Anxiety before work (zoom) meetings Hello, I was wondering what people do to reduce anxiety before work (zoom) meetings. I get so anxious every time. Please be short and sweet and as specific as possible. Like I use the app “calm” for breathing exercises.. + +Journal? +Positive affirmations? +Visualizations? +Breathing exercises?",Anxiety +52138,"Anxiety AFTER dental work I had a tooth removed today and my anxiety is super high. Not sure why..I am taking Advi for pain and Lexapro as normal..I don't like how I feel right now though so keyed up, nausea, etc.",Anxiety +52139,Struggling and could use someone to talk to! I am struggling with anxiety so much this week. I just need someone who understands to speak to who might be able to help me not feel so alone.,Anxiety +52140,Why do. I always feel like I have a heart issue 🥺 I always feel like I have heart issues. I had a echocardiogram stress test done December. I had few troponin done. I had X-ray done I had another ultrasound done and basic blood work done and all this was from December till early February. Everything was fine but I always feel like cause it's been so long that i might have something now. What's with me...,Anxiety +52141,Anxiety at work I’m a teacher and my anxiety has been awful this year. Any time my class gets noisy or a little excited I start feeling lightheaded and my insides feel weird. It so hard. I was just prescribed bupropion (generic of Wellbutrin) for moderate depression and moderate anxiety. I hope it helps and I don’t end up having to leave my job because the feelings I get are awful.,Anxiety +52142,"Slipping Away I feel like I’m slipping away. I navigate bad traffic on the way into work where I’m in a hybrid tech support/business analyst role: so primarily I’m listening to and troubleshooting everyone’s troubles through the day. + +The calls sometimes start at 7:00AM and don’t end until after 6:00 other days. And heavy traffic back home. + +Every week this year it seems something around the house is breaking and either needing me to repair it or pay someone to come out. + +After sorting out the to-do list time is passed with my dogs, who I love very much but are extremely pushy and needy some days. + +That goes on until my father-in-law gets home and demands that the dogs get put away, and everything turned off and focus turned to him so he can tell all about whatever’s on his mind — he lives with us. And if I don’t drop everything I have to hear from his family and somehow my family about how I need to stop hurting his feelings. + +Then bed and wake up to start over again. + +I get about an hour a week to just myself. And hour a week to be me. I feel like I’m losing who I am.",Anxiety +52143,"Finally told someone I was tired of her bullshit after a couple years and I feel bad This girl was cool when I first met her. But then she started being really annoying and I didn’t feel like being her friend anymore. I would tell her something she didn’t agree with and then at 1 am she’d send these blocks of texts saying she hated herself and that I was selfish and didn’t really care for her etc. Sometimes I just stop texting my friends for personal reasons and go a few days without replying. This was never a problem for my long-term friends, but apparently it was for her. I had to step on eggshells to talk to her and I didn’t like it. + +if anyone wants more context let me know, but in short I just didn’t want this person in my life anymore. + +I always knew she needed help so that’s why instead of telling her to fuck off like some people suggested I did, I would just let her know when I didn’t like something she said/did but not be mean about it. She would apologize for overreacting, I’d forgive her. But then she would act the same way. Today I told her I was tired of her bs and that she could block me if she wants to, just stop texting me. I blocked her. + +It felt awesome at the moment but now I feel like an asshole. I don’t regret it, but I never said anything similar to anyone. My heart was beating fast the whole time. Should I feel bad for telling the truth? + +This girl has a history of self-harm and overdosing so I’m afraid I’ll be responsible if she ends up doing something to herself. But I couldn’t take this anymore.",Anxiety +52144,"Having huge anxiety about my second emergency dentist appointment tomotrow I scheduled an emergency tooth extraction appointment last Saturday with my dentist who I haven't been able to go to in over a year due to lack of insurance/unemployment. My partner went with me as support and also because I can't drive. The dentist receptionist lectured me for not coming in for over a year, for scheduling an emergency extraction on a Saturday afternoon, and then said they wouldn't be able to extract it that day because they ""needed to see if the tooth could be saved"" despite me saying I can't afford any other option like a root canal. They also, despite me putting my preferred name in their site portal when I first started seeing them, keep misgendering and deadnaming me even though I told them last time that I prefer my preferred name and go by he/him (I am a grown ass medically but not surgically transitioned trans man). My partner, who also goes to this dentist but has had only good experiences with them, was apparently disgusted with how the receptionists treated me this time and now refuses to go back to them for their visits. But I paid $100 ahead of time for this tooth extraction tomorrow (because the receptionists basically forced me into it by showing me all the other pricing options without insurance) so I have to go back to them before I can move to a new dentist office. My partner is working tomorrow and can't go with me, so I'm basically dreading having to hear my deadname and being misgendered and lectured and all that bullshit all over again but on my own this time. Like, it's stressing me out to the point of almost crying. I don't usually get this worked up over being misgendered because like, I'm kinda fat and my facial hair is scraggly so I get a lot of misgendering from customers whenever I'm working retail jobs, but something about them *knowing* my preferred name and having been *told* about it before but choosing to ignore it is just... Fucking with me, especially with all the other ways they treated me. FUCK.",Anxiety +52145,"Covid second bout anxiety Corona positive again. Sick the whole week already. Now just had a huge panic attack because of my fever. I’m really afraid of high body temperatures, so I started getting hotter and sweating profusely. Went to the balcony in shorts to cool of while calling 911. + +Incredibly lost control here, especially since I started using SSRIs that sort of work. +Luckily I had some downers that calmed me down. + +Life without this would be so much easier. Now I’m afraid of getting pneumonia from my stunt. + +Anxiety sucks.",Anxiety +52146,"Driving Anxiety Has anyone experienced driving anxiety? If so, what helped the most?",Anxiety +52147,"Feeling happy then it turns into anxiety I was feeling good today, I got plenty of sleep I went outside enjoyed the sunlight but then the anxiety hit. Unshakable anxiety that just happened for no reason like an impending panic attack why why why. I don’t know why my body does this to me. I feel like the only thing to help me now is medication it just won’t stop.",Anxiety +52148,"Tell me it gets better . . . My almost 10-year-old is six weeks into Prozac (started at 10 mg and went to 20 mg about 3 weeks ago). We're seeing violent outbursts almost nightly this week (the whole reason we started this was because of these, but they weren't nightly at the time). He'll be fine during the day and then everything goes south when bedtime hits. All the anxieties of the day start invading his thoughts and suddenly he's hitting, pulling hair, kicking, saying he wants to kill us, he wants to die. Full blown anger. I have to hide every single thing in the house that could be used as a weapon. Is this part of the process? My husband and I are trying to be calm and patient and use tools to help calm him down (using your senses, breathing with a stuffed animal on your belly, name it to tame it) but I just can't live like this. All day I dread bedtime and what it's going to bring. The thought of going through all this yet again tomorrow makes me sick. I need to know this will get better and we'll find the best way to help and get to the other side of this. It's so hard.",Anxiety +52149,"Feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable in my body right now I don’t really don’t know how to describe this. But I just genuinely have that feeling like on the verge of exploding. Like I’m so exhausted and dissatisfied with my life. And right now I just feel so uncomfortable in my own skin like I just don’t even want to be in my body anymore. Just the feelings that arise from not having a support system, experiencing chronic pain, trauma, and not getting what I want in life academically, socially, etc. is just all coming to a head. Life just feels so unfair sometimes. Like I’m having to work twice as hard as other people in my life and I’m just drowning. But when I complain or ask for help, people brush me off or call me over dramatic. Meanwhile everyone is always expecting me to play superhero for them in their own lives. It’s just making feel so wound up and tense. And I don’t really know how else to describe it but I can’t even focus on work right now.",Anxiety +52150,"My friend's depression +Every time my friend got depressed, he wouldn't talk to anyone. I was able to help him when I was close, but now he lives much further away from me. His desire not to talk to anyone started to increase in him and it took longer. At first I decided to leave him alone, but that didn't quite work. I try to talk to him, but it doesn't work, he doesn't reply at all unless I insist on my messages, and when I insist he gives a very short answer. I don't know what to do can someone help me please. I'm starting to worry too much about him.",Anxiety +52151,,Anxiety +52152,"The future What helps you stay in the present? All day today my mind has been drifting to anxious thoughts about the future, about bad things that can happen. Idk. I'm just not feeling well today. And it makes me sad because today should have been a good day. I did well at work, in the morning I worked out. It's just now that I'm alone in my thoughts, my mind is wandering to the fears of what lies ahead.",Anxiety +52153,"Got pulled over by police and got my first ticket I (23) F have never been pulled over or given a traffic ticket. Ive been having a horrible day so far as my abusive ex has tried reaching out to me this morning and i have just been super anxious and feeling bad about myself so i decided to do some chores and head to the gym. +While driving there i thought i could make this yellow light and ended up running through a red light and a cop was conveniently there to see and pull me over. I was so scared and on the verge of tears the whole interaction and he ended up giving me a ticket. +Instead of going to the gym i just drove home crying thinking of how much of a piece of shit i am and now i’m currently sitting in my driveway crying and overwhelmed. +I just wanted to go and try to make today a good day by going to the gym and cleaning the house and now i feel even more overwhelmed and depressed and anxious and stressed and i just want to crawl into a hole and die right now. +I feel like i can never do anything right and i feel so worthless and horrible. I just want to stop hating myself and my life. I feel so overwhelmed today i feel like im drowning.",Anxiety +52154,"I find it hard to ask for help TW: discussion of anxiety symptoms + +Some context: I’ve struggled with anxiety for a few years (but can remember symptoms cropping up at moments throughout my life) - I think it’s GAD as I’m mostly anxious about being anxious at this point. +Does anyone else find it hard to ask for help? when I’m stressed by general life things (job pressures etc), it does cause me to be anxious, but I hate telling people how I feel because I don’t want to burden them or upset them. I also don’t even think of asking for help, until I’m in a bad place and really need it. + +Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome this?",Anxiety +52155,"Week long attack I was diagnosed with GAD three years ago, but have declined treatment in the form of long term medicine (probably due to my medical anxiety, go figure). I would describe my attacks as completely random and not stemming from outside situations (typically). For instance, i will be laying in bed watching a funny show and suddenly feel like an elephant is on my chest. +Two weeks ago i found a man hiding under my car in my driveway. I chased him off and called the police. Turns out he crashed his car up the road and was hiding from the police. I was worked up that day and the next, but have been able to feel comfort knowing this wasn’t some weird, targeted attack on me. But a desperate man in desperate times, or however the saying goes lol. +However, my physical symptoms have not left. My chest constantly feels heavy and i cannot get a good breath. I almost have to force myself to yawn to feel like im getting that “deep breath.” It’s affecting my life, mostly limiting my physical movements and causing headaches, assuming from constantly forcing a deep breath. I don’t have a pcp i can call for advice. But I feel like enough is enough and i would like to be able to breathe normally again. My mom has copd so I have a pulse ox around and my oxygen has been consistent at 98/99, so i can (mostly) confidently say this is anxiety. +My issue is, do i call a doctors office and wait weeks to be seen? Or go to an urgent care, pay $150 for them to tell me this is just anxiety? +Ultimately, what are my options here? I just want to feel normal again",Anxiety +52156,"Losing weight after Lexapro I took 20 mg of Lexapro for about a year, then tapered down to 10 mg for 3 months, and 5 mg for 3 months. I stopped taking Lexapro all together about 5 weeks ago. Personally, Lexapro worked great for me and really got me through a tough period in my life. However, I gained about 20-25 lbs throughout the 1.5 years. Has anyone successfully lost the weight after stopping? I gained a decent amount of muscle mass over that period, but would like to lose about 10 lbs of fat. I still feel like my metabolism is relatively high (feel lightheaded/weak with anything under 2300-2500 calories) but none of the weight has come off.",Anxiety +52157,"Relapse - so struggling and unsure about what to do A bit of my background: 30 yrs gay man, startup founder, anxiety related to business and financial situation mainly + +Been having anxiety issue on and off since 2018, been medicated twice (Lexapro), first time 10 months, second time 3 months, just have relapse again since last week, struggling whether I should take treatment again or not. Also feeling a bit upset and annoyed about this relapse, don’t have friends to talk to about these stuff",Anxiety +52158,"I don't expect anyone to look at this soon, but it's always nice to see someone has... I just wanted to rant in a sort of way. I just got finished with my spring break. My mom was in hospital the entire time. My dad is due to have a surgery soon. And last semester two of my grandparents passed, one severely declined, and the others house is being sold after we spent about 2 months cleaning it and renovating it. I just don't feel like doing anything and my anxiety is such that my chest hurts and my body aches. So much has happened and I am trying so hard but it feels like my brain is my own worst enemy right now. I just want peace. I just want silence. I just want to sleep and not get up. I don't know how to help myself anymore. I am primary caretaker for my parents now and I am terrified. Any advice is nice. I am in college and work. I'm F22 and seeing the counselor at my college. It's just a lot at once and am struggling to even break the surface.",Anxiety +52159,"Going off meds I’m on anti anxiety meds and at a dose where I’m still having daily panic attacks plus my environment has me in a bad place mentally. For some reason I feel like I should stop taking my meds and I can’t tell if it’s because I feel ashamed of having anxiety…sorry if this is a stupid question. +Have you ever thought you should not take anti anxiety meds? +Are there any reasons going off anti anxiety meds would help already unmanageable anxiety?",Anxiety +52160,"Sertraline side effects - please help me feel better I am on day 6 of taking sertraline for panic attacks, I know a lot of people have a rough time on it. the first 4 days were rough with nausea, anxiety and head fog. Today I am panicking and giving myself anxiety because of a weird sensation in my head. It’s almost like my brain is vibrating and I keep getting weird twitches every now and again which is really scaring me because I also have health anxiety and now I’m worried the sertraline has done something bad. Has anyone else experienced this as a side effect?",Anxiety +52161,Does anyone else use background tv to help with anxiety? My anxiety reaches a point where I just need something to quiet that ongoing chatter in my brain and I will do anything (within reason) to help it stop. I also have ADHD so I'm not sure if its that. I know tv is bad and a distraction but it helps also. Am I weird?,Anxiety +52162,Any advice I can give my gf on how to help? I want to give advice too my gf on how to help with my health anxiety I'm worried about everything recently and I keep asking her for reassurance my mental health is on a straight decline I'm eating more I effort into hygiene all I do is sleep play video games and I'm rude all the time I blow up at people and i cant even leave my house it's also been affecting how I play hockey I have been worried about every possible health thing possible recently. I have noticed I have visual snow and i linked it to a bunch of random stuff and its worried me more and I ask her for help but she dosent know what to do because of no experience with it can anyone write some advice on how she can help me in comments I can give her because i dont wanna stress her out,Anxiety +52163,"Anxiety is ruining my life I am now into my 30s and feel like my life is passing me by while I am unable to enjoy it due to being anxious all of the time. I have a great job and feel like I am going to ruin it because I am so socially anxious and awkward. + +The only time I feel like I can truly enjoy the company of other people and not feel like my flight or flight is x100 is when I take a low dose opiate or drink alcohol. + +I stopped doing all of it for two years thinking that I might get better if I don’t use any substances, but it just spiraled into extreme anxiety and depression since I didn’t get any breaks from it. + +I have tried every SSRI/SNRI/TCA under the sun and they don’t work. + +I don’t know what the point of this post is other than to vent I guess.",Anxiety +52164,"I’ve been having panic attacks that resulted in extreme adrenaline rushes daily for the past few weeks. I am a 24yo male, i have suffered with gad and panic attacks ever since i was 16. + +Over the years i went to therapy and even overcame (mostly at least) my health anxiety. +To a point that both my psychiatrist (psychotherapist? Imho not sure, English isn’t my first language) and I felt as if could go back to going to a psychologist. Everything has been going okay, i kept eating well, i exercise regularly (4/5 times x week at the gym, walks with my dog, and i try to walk around as much as i can other than my commute to work, not 10k steps on most days, but i try to stay active) + +I have been on medications. I used xanax regularly and then started using it only if needed. Once these panic attacks began, i decided to switch to diazepam, since the xanax was making me very sleepy without helping too much with the anxiety. That didn’t help. + +I started having panic attacks/adrenaline rushes for every minor incident or event. 5 mins late for a meetup/reservation? High heart rate, anxiety all the usual. Calling a client on the phone and telling them they’ll have to pay xx amount? Same result. Everything minor sends me towards a panic attack/adrenaline rush. Even weed, which i smoked probably once per week on a friday evening started giving me horrible panic attacks, even if wasn’t still high yet. + +I’m really at a loss here, i don’t want to go on like this and I’m kind of worried for my health and the impact this anxiety has on it. I will bring this up during my next session, but in the meantime i wanted to confront myself with someone that has/is experiencing the same issues. + +Thank you all",Anxiety +52165,"Week long anxiety attack? Does anyone ever get anxiety, like heart racing, can’t sit still, crying etc for a week then it passes? I’ve always had depression this way but anxiety is new to me. The last time I had to be hospitalized and after a day or two in inpatient I got better but I want to avoid that. Please tell me I’m not the only one! I need support.",Anxiety +52166,joint pain does anyone get severe joint/bone pain? i’m not sure if it’s my anxiety but i have been in excruciating pain for 12 hours now and it’s freaking me out,Anxiety +52167,"I didn't have the courage to go to an event bc of anxiety :( I was supposed to go to a pub crawl event this evening but got cold feet right before the event started and now I'm sad, disappointed and alone at my home. The first three hours before the event I was feeling okay and so sure I would be going, but slowly the panic started to kick in. And I ended up shaking and crying while changing my clothes and getting ready for the evening. And then I just gave up. It sucks, I really wanted to go, the event sounded like a blast and I already bought the ticket. It all came crashing down when I realised that I don't know anyone from the event and that I had to make the effort of meeting new people there alone. I thought I could be brave and go to that place alone because none of my friends didn't want to come with me. I have gone to events before alone and it has been fine in the end even if I was super anxious about going there beforehand. I guess today was just not my day... :(",Anxiety +52168,"my anxiety has gotten out of control Tl;dr Been following this sub from a diffrent profile. Finally decided to post. For years ive struggled with what were thought too be temporal lobe seizures. (Severe deja vu, waves of nausea, and it loose the ability to understand verbal communication or speak coherently) these last for 10-15 minutes and occur 3 or 4 times a day. We have tried and tried to catch them on the eeg but are unable to. My neurologist refered me to a psychiatrist who calls them pseudo seizures and insists they are anxiety based and that whether I want to admit it or not i have PTSD from childhood trauma and some military/law enforcment experiences in my 20's. + +I am a father of 4, I am in the process of changing jobs which will require us to move. We are in the process of selling a house, buying a house, changing jobs, relocating to another state. In addition, my wifes emoloyeer refused her request to relocate and she was laid off last week. We homeschool 2 kids and my current job requires travel 45 weeks out of the year. My job is very high stressed. Im in a high executive management position with thousands of direct reports, financial obligations, budget goals, profit goals, plus increasingly difficult daily operational goals. + +Over the last few months my anxiety has become debilitating! Even with my medication (trileptal and seriquil) im to the point were I can be walking down the street and get the image in my head of a car swerving and hitting my on the side walk. This thought gets glued in my head and i am scared to walk down the street. Yesterday I was dozing on the couch and my 5 year old laid their tablet on my chest. The power cord stretched across my neck and i woke screaming with the image stuck in my head of being strangled by a power cord. Its as if I live in red alert. Loud noises, sudden movements, crowded rooms, new unfamiliar settings, traffic...i try my best to avoid it all but the isolation is becoming severe. This is happening more and more frequently. Im honestly scared. + +Ive tried discussing with my wife but she dosnt get it. She is so task oriented that any free time we have is used to discuss, analyze, dissect, reanalyze, plan, replan, budget, etc for all of the major upcoming moves we have. This serves as a constant reminder of how overwhelmed I am. Im drinking to much to sleep and try to temporarily check out. But its killing me and im ready to give up. Im seriously considering checking myself into a hospital. But i will loose my job and it will throw a wrench into all the plans we have been making for the last year. + +Im hoping that people with similar minds can give suggestions before its to late.",Anxiety +52169,"Physical health issues and mental health issues Feel like giving up. I wish I had someone to give me a hug and tell me it’s gonna be okay but everyone’s given up on me. + +Feel like I’m having so many issues… it’s like life is telling me to get the hint. + +Sorry for anyone going through anything similar, I hope you’re stronger than me.",Anxiety +52170,"quitting vaping and panic attacks are through the roof hey guys! just like the title says, i am in the process of quitting vaping. my boyfriend kicked the habit a few months ago and has been doing great, but every time i try and quit my anxiety skyrockets and i can’t function at all. i woke up at 5am this morning with the worst attack i’ve had in years and unfortunately the only thing that soothes me is my boyfriend. we’re in a rough patch right now too because of some outside circumstances, so i can’t rely on him as i usually do. anyone have any advice? should i get back on my zoloft while i’m quitting? i’m in absolute misery and just want to get better and stop projecting all of my own anxiety onto him as i know it will ruin our relationship.",Anxiety +52171,"Regretting a CBT challenge/ERP exposure. So I have emetophobia, OCD, an ED, health anxiety, basically everything. + +I did a CBT challenge tonight, to eat 'outside' chicken, aka chicken not from inside my home that I've gotten a trusted person to cook for me. + +I picked it the fuck apart. It looked absolutely fine. But I have convinced myself I have food poisoning from it, or some other illness. + +I also happen to be in the refeeding process which makes me feel like crap when I eat, have been having menstrual GI symptoms, I have chronic constipation that I took Fybogel for (which always gives me a super loud tummy and gas) - so both of those things could be a contribution or cause of my stomach discomfort. + +But wow I regret even challenging myself. I hate that I regret it, too. + +I'm so scared. Looks like a night of worry and no sleep for me. Feels like all progress has gone out the window. ",Anxiety +52172,I don’t know what’s going on I have agoraphobia haven’t left my house in months I sit around all day. I also have depersonalization which caused my agoraphobia. My emotions and feelings are numb and i’m finding it hard to care about anything anymore but lately I have been gaining weight. I’ve put on about 10 pounds in the last couple of months. I weighed myself 8 days ago and today I weighed myself and I weigh 5 pounds more. I am really concerned. what if I have heart failure. I cant go to the doctor because of my agoraphobia (yes it is that bad). I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel good ever and i’m so scared it’s not just anxiety anymore but I physically cannot go to the doctor. I cant even go outside my house without feeling panicked idk what to do. I was already really insecure about my weight but this weight gain is really scaring me. how did I put on that much weight in such a short time. I also had a very vivid dream 2 nights ago that I had brain cancer and now i’m scared that was some sort of sign that something is wrong with me.,Anxiety +52173,"I get super anxious when things go well Every time I get things done and everything is good and I should feel calm and maybe relax a bit, I am content for like two seconds and then I get so anxious and angry (?) it is almost unbearable. I feel like getting drunk or something just to make it stop. It’s a different feeling from the ”regular” anxiety too, it is more panicky and mixed with other unpleasant emotions. I can’t get a handle on this. Anyone else?",Anxiety +52174,"Idk what to do So rn I’m in club but I have really bad pain in the jaw, chest and back and sometime in the arm it’s been 2 months that it goes like that and waking up with panic attack almost every night, I can’t go to the doctor I went just one time he listened to my heart and said it was okay but with this constant pain I don’t believe everything is okay I feel like I will die everyday for 2 months",Anxiety +52175,I’ve had enough of anxiety Hope you are all okay. Idk what is wrong with me had a panic attack in the city for no apparent reason three months ago and I’m still struggling now. It’s manifested into everytime I go into a shop I feel a bit off balance and dizzy and my head feels funny. I’m overthinking EVERY SYMPTOM. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DONIVE HAD ENOUGH !! I just want to be okay again. I want to Litterally just get married but to get married I need a job and a job makes me anxious for no reason other than my anxiety. I avoid working in places because if I feel dizzy or have a panic attack it will be more likely to happen in that setting. How do I even help myself. I’ve been in WAY WORSE SITUATIONS than this but having the feeling if impending doom most days has come out of nowhere. I just want it to go. I’m scared of the doctors but want to go to the doctor for reassurance but realistically reassurance makes everything worse. I DONT HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR OR EPILEPSY OR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE OR STUPID STUFF LIEK THIS BUT I NEED TO BELIEVE IT BUT MY SYMPTOMS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE THEM!,Anxiety +52176,"Zoloft and Buspar Is anyone else on this combination? I just got prescribed 25mg of Zoloft per day and have already been taking Buspar 30mg a day. I also was prescribed Ativan for panic attacks in the meantime while the new medicine works. + +Now being that I'm anxious, I'm anxious about adding Zoloft. Anyone on this combination and feel it works for them? Anything to be aware of?",Anxiety +52177,"How to get over anxiety about getting a job? I’m 19 and have never had a job before, now that it’s almost time for me to get a job I’m panicking. My second worst fear is getting a job and nobody understands how bad my anxiety is around it. I’m currently doing OF as my “job” and don’t make as much as a I would like, it’s my ideal job tho and I have fun doing it. Does anyone relate to this? I literally cry every time the job subject is brought up because that’s how much I fear it. I suffer from bpd, depression, anxiety, ocd and ptsd. I looked into disability to see if my mental health conditions could qualify and I couldn’t really find anything. Any comments are appreciated!!",Anxiety +52178,how to improve the friendships i’m damaging due to anxiety? My (19f) anxiety has been a struggle my entire life but this semester (since february) it’s been horrible and has been really affecting my relationships. i used to keep everything in but recently i’ve been expressing my feelings to my friends about on about 3 occasions now but i think it’s been ruining things. I’ve expressed that sometimes i have doubts in our friendship and need reassurance but the constant doubts and reassurance is becoming mentally draining on them. Also the one friend i lean on the most had her own issues and i’m worried i’ve been selfishly relying on her when she had her own difficulties. I’m noticing a change in my relationship with the girls and i’m really scared of losing them because i love them so much. i’ve already apologised to them and promised not to burden them with my issues but how do i repair my relationship with them moving forward? especially when my struggles with anxiety are still very present.,Anxiety +52179,"DAE feel a sense of rush/urgency over everything and can’t relax? It feels like my entire day is urgent. Even if tasks aren’t urgent, like say just housework and I’m bumbling about, it feels suddenly really important and urgent and that makes me feel overwhelmed. It’s almost like I make things a higher priority than they are and it’s difficult to reshape that thought process. Tips? Everything in my life feels like it’s rushing even when I have plenty of time.",Anxiety +52180,"Anxiety of letting possessions go for new ones Does anyone else feel anxious when you try to donate or throw away unusable or old items? How do you cope with these feelings? + +I’m trying to bring myself to buy a new mattress, bed frame, sheets, etc. But I’m finding a million reasons not to-mainly attachment reasons. I know I need a new mattress and box spring for health reasons at the very least but I don’t want to buy another twin (I’m a young adult). I’d like to try to break these thoughts and find joy in a new purchase. It’s taken two years to decide to purchase a new bed.",Anxiety +52181,"Morning anxiety.. but only if waking before sunrise If I wake up before sunrise I feel a huge spike of adrenaline/cortisol? It’s not down to lack of sleep because for example if I wake up at 6:30 (just before the sun) it happens, if I wake up 15 minutes later (when the suns up) I have no anxiety. Now the shit part of this is I need to wake up at 5am most days. I’m not having anxious thoughts, just the physical anxiety. Is this just a lizard brain thing because I’m a bit stuck in fight or flight? Like waking up in the dark makes my body prepare to protect me? Idk. I’ve ordered a sunrise alarm clock to try and trick my brain a bit. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this/what your theories are.",Anxiety +52182,Anyone else meds stop working after Covid infection. I was on same antidepressants for 20 years and during my Covid infection it abruptly stopped working..am I the only one? 4 months later still not better,Anxiety +52183,"panic freezing all month during work I don’t know if thats an actual term or not. All I know is I have been sitting at my desk, feeling frozen, staring at the screen. + +I know that I know how to do most of my job. But I’m petrified of things that haven’t happened yet, or that I think will happen. I will subconsciously do anything to divert my mind from actually lifting my hand and starting my work. A cycle of living in fear of everything I worked for falling apart..just because I’m having crippling anxiety the last few months. + +Its so frustrating to even look at myself be this way knowing how hard i can work. Instead, I’m here panicking internally about everything happening all the time, whats due, whats coming up, not really being 100% clear on anything. + + +Its been a very difficult two years for me and i feel like its all coming down at once ..after just drowning it all on micro distractions to keep my mind at bay. + +I told my boss (a relative) im going to come by on friday and discuss something. Something being im losing grip of myself and I need to step down. + +Ive already been dealing with the internal battle of if thats the right thing to do, or the cowardly thing to do. Still don’t + know if im just feeling sorry for myself or actually deserve a break. Either way, I’m still going to be jobless after, up to my neck in bills and responsibilities im still trying to manage. + +I put everything into what i do with every job. blood sweat and tears. I just get so invested, and always come out the other side completely stripped bare emotionally, physically, mentally. + +I am not sure if this is going to be the case for every job. What if this keeps happening? What if stepping down and moving on just circles right back with the next job? I want to escape this pattern.",Anxiety +52184,Exam I have an upcoming exam and I am very bad. My classes are not that good and I feel a lot of pressure on me please someone help me,Anxiety +52185,"I am now alone at night at a sketchy trainstation and my anxiety is over the roof, i feel like i cant handle this. I (19F) was traveling home from uni for weekend. My jurney consist of long inernationl train and then a 40 minute with small train. My international train was delayed and i missed my conection. Now i am stuck at a sketchy train station with almoust noone here. +The second i stepped out of train i wanted to cry out of anxiety and fear. I am alone in the waiting room with only one man and thats all. For the 15 minutes i am here i am shaking and trying not to cry. + +What doesnt help is the fact that like this morning at a bus stop drunk mane came to me, saind ""hi cutie"" and jokingly pocked me to my lower atomach. I couldnt react fast enough to stoped that but he just walked away. +A random drunk men walked in the station now, bought a ticket and then started to talk random stuff and left. + +I am just so scared, i have to sit here alone for another hour and i feel like i am going to crumble down. I dont know what to do. There is not any safe space i can go and wait. I feel like throwing up and thats not normal. + +Sorry for my english, it is not my first language and i have also realy shaky hans now.",Anxiety +52186,"Anxiety Impacting Visual Ability and Causing Hyper-Fixation on Partner’s Physical Appearance Hi all, + +I hope I could get some opinions from the kind followers of this subreddit! + +For as long as I (27 M) could remember I had pretty intense anxiety. As a result I overthink and self-sabotage a lot. About 2.5 months ago I got into a relationship with a phenomenal woman (21F). She’s so driven, smart, witty and funny and at first, I was sure that she was absolutely gorgeous. However, these past few days I’ve been wondering if I truly am attracted to her. I know this is weird, but when i look at pictures of her I find myself analyzing her facial features without even realizing it. I am constantly quizzing myself on whether I like her or not. + +This isn’t the first time it has happened. I remember the first time I went on vacation with my one and only ex I suddenly started to hyper fixate on each of her features and started to see her “differently,” if that makes any sense. Instead of seeing a coherent face, i saw a collection of facial features. Her nose seemingly looked larger, and the proportions were all off. Again, I know this sounds so weird. I pushed those thoughts aside and eventually got over it (she broke up with me for a completely unrelated reason). + +I’m wondering if anyone has been through this as well? Part of me thinks I’m shallow for worrying about this. But part of me wonders if it’s the anxiety that’s causing this. + +Thank you!",Anxiety +52187,"Struggling at the momen I have no idea what has caused this change. I’m anxious 95% of the time. Anything and everything is triggering me even a simple word will set me off. I’m scared of everything and I’m really low. I wake feeling anxious, this morning was horrible. I feel very shaky to. I feel like I can’t turn anywhere at the moment. I think I’ve managed to annoy everyone with my anxiety and stupidity. Nobody wants to hear me rant on about my problems but my head is getting more and more full by the day. I’m having counselling but I’m not sure it’s doing much. I really need someone to talk to. Spoke with the GP today, they are increasing my tablets again. I have no idea what the change was or has been. I just know I’m in a real spot at the moment",Anxiety +52188,Hospitals Anyone been in the mental hospital for just anxiety and depression? Like panic attacks. Thanks,Anxiety +52189,"afraid of friends abandoning me So i am 16m 2 years ago i started my first friendship ever, 1 year ago we became group of 6 and whenever something happens, bad it could be if they said one word that i thought was angry or something, if i make or say some bulls*** i, if they dont include me in thier plans or something, if they act wierd one time. I think i am being delusional every time something happens. and I am very scared to lose them because without them i would sit at home 24/7 also every time something happens i take bottle of alcohol.",Anxiety +52190,"Quitting 🍃 cause of anxiety from it First time Reddit user- Quitting daily smoking 🍃 cause of anxiety +Hey I’m 18 turning 19 next month, have been using weed to deal with my anxiety and depression for a couple years, daily use for sleep mainly. + +I’ve been starting to question if weed is making me more anxious and I think it is, but I’m also anxious to quit + +Today is day one, +does anyone have any ideas on how to calm the mind from wondering around and being anxious at night? Or has anyone else gone through this already and have any tips? +I’m not looking for a easy fix all for the situation but more of guidance to calm my mind a bit, have a good day yall",Anxiety +52191,"Challenges and discomfort are needed for self growth. But I’m overwhelmed with anxiety at my job. What can I do? I’m a year into my new job where it takes me out of comfort zone quite often (business meetings, presentations, big corporate events). I have a lot of good supportive coworkers and manager so I know I’m not alone. But I am often feeling so overwhelmed and stressed about my job, and whenever someone asks me how I’m doing I have to stop myself from getting emotional. + +I feel like I’m barely getting by day to day at my job, so whenever I have anything extra assigned like presentations or networking event to do, I instantly feel worse. + +I never got diagnosed with anxiety so there’s no medication. Just occasional L-Theanine and Olly stress gummies to get me through even if it’s just placebo. + +I feel crazy just typing up this post because I sound dramatic for a grown adult in a corporate world I applied to. But just wanted some tips from anyone out there with high anxiety…",Anxiety +52192,Why is It hard to accept its just anxiety after numerous tests and reassurance. It’s been almost two years living trying to manage health anxiety and almost nothing that I try is working. I’ve been on anxiety medication for three months and thinking I was only gonna need It for 3 months I have actually increased the dose and want to be in It longer. I learn a lot in therapy but always fail to incorporate any technique in real life. No matter what I do to cope I just can’t shake the anxiety away. I know anxiety is a part of life and regardless it’s going to come up but I can’t stop catastrophizing the anxiety I feel. The anxiety makes It hard to focus in school and at work to the point where I’m close to leaving both. How do I get It through my head that I am okay. That anxiety is okay. That any tiny thing my body feels doesn’t mean I’m dying. How can I trust my body. How can I trust myself. How can I trust in the universe. How can I stop.,Anxiety +52193,How to know if you're taking too much Ativan? In fear of addiction.,Anxiety +52194,"Been so anxious lately and now my friend is mad at me I’m currently in my second semester of college and lately my anxiety has been sky high. I’m currently on 2 medications buspirone + propranolol. My friend is aware of my anxiety and noticed that this week it has been particularly high. + +Anyways today I went a bit mute, I can’t find the energy to talk and it’s hard to communicate how I’m feeling. So today in lab, my friend was getting frustrated because she was hungry from not eating all day. And when lab was over, I kind of rushed out because I felt a panic attack going on. I went to the bathroom to put cold water on my face. She got angry at me, texting me saying “where the fuck are you?” And when she found me she sat there with a look on her face. I told her she can go to the dining hall but instead she went back to the lab classroom and started to talk shit about me to our lab partner. So now I’m currently sitting here too afraid to even talk to anyone, I just wish I could get rid of this. I hate feeling this way and making everyone around me upset.",Anxiety +52195,"Significant increase in anxiety after COVID So, I just recovered from covid (my first time having it!) and I’ve found that my anxiety is EXPONENTIALLY worse. Like, agoraphobia-almost-having-panic-attacks-in-public worse. This is very unusual for me. Of course, there’s the worry that the chest pain is some sort of covid complication, but it goes away if I manage to calm myself down (either naturally, or with rescue medication.) has this happened to anyone else? I’m really struggling! 😭",Anxiety +52196,"I understand adjusting to new medication, but why up dose when it is not working? I do a lot of reading on medications, trying to match myself to the right prescription. The wait times for psych are extremely long (over a year) in my country and a lot of guesswork falls on family doctors. I also work in medicine. + +One aspect I see over and over again is if the medication is not working, the dosage is upped. I see a lot of people discuss this on reddit as well. ""I felt worse so we upped it to xx mg and now I feel better."" Does anyone know the reason why? + +If we are telling our doctors that the medication makes us feel worse or causes unwanted side effects, why would increasing the dosage make it better?",Anxiety +52197,"Does anyone else have EXTREME guilt? I can’t lie. If I even try I feel like I will explode and I have to immediately tell the truth. Like yeah, not a bad thing to tell the truth but the extreme feeling is also not good. + +My current example is my buying something as simple as a buying something online. I ended up not wanting it and it was a non refundable, non returnable item. So I receive it and it doesn’t work how I want it (nor look how I want it) so I email the company saying it didn’t work properly. They send me a refund and I was like okay all is fine. BUT then I try the item again “just to make sure” it didn’t work… it worked. So I’m guilty for lying even though I didn’t think I was. I’m sending the item back to the company so it is like it never happened but I still feel SO guilty??? I even told them in the email it started working! What is wrong with me",Anxiety +52198,I’m having a major anxiety attack right now cause I’m starting my new job tonight So I (21F) recently got a job at a Harkins theater and I’m starting tonight. I’m having bad anxiety cause I’m scared and nervous. When I went in for my orientation Tuesday the people I’m going to be working with we’re giving me dirty looks. Or that’s what my mind was telling me. I know no one is stoked to be at work but the looks they were giving me made me not want to work. I’m also scared that the people I’m going to be working with aren’t going to like me and treat me bad. I’m also scared the job is going to be hard and I’m not going to catch on to things quick. I’m making myself sick by thinking of all this but I don’t know what else to do! Please does anyone have advice or kind works to help me?,Anxiety +52199,"My anxiety is ridiculous My anxiety spikes to the point where I feel lightheaded and feel like I am having an out of body experience. Sometimes I have to look at my physical symptoms objectively and almost from a third person lens to help bring myself back to reality and not lose the plot. + +My hands get super shaky, thoughts become manic, I end up repeating actions, eyes go from place one to another but I am not really processing — there’s a disconnect between my brain and visuals. + +Anxiety is absolutely ridiculous. I hate it. But at least I am learning to live with it.",Anxiety +52200,"I hate my anxiety I'm saying it with all the bottom of my soul. + +I hate the person my anxiety has turned me into, I can't run (I loved to run), I can't leave my house without having a freaking panic attack, I can't go to the store without carrying my freaking backpack full of things that I have to have it in case I have a fucking panic attack, I can't watch the damn TV without some damn intrusive thought coming through, I can't go to the damn store because I think I'm going to have a heart attack,i won't let me help my mom get her medicine or help my sister run the supermarket because I keep thinking that something bad is going to happen when I leave the house. + +Yesterday I was feeling depressed, in fact I even thought about taking my life, but that's when a deep hatred came to me, it started as a little anger and now it has turned into an uncontrollable anger to kick something, I thought ""damn anxiety is getting me making me want to kill myself"" + +Good grief, I don't hate life, I love living, I want to live, I want to write a fucking book, I want to buy a decent computer, I'm having a panic attack that's pretty much subsided because right now I hate my anxiety.",Anxiety +52201,"How is buspar working for you? I’ve been on buspar for about two weeks, I’m on 7.5 mg twice a day and I’ve noticed my crippling anxiety slow down a little bit. My worrying thoughts are way less often and I shake my legs less. But I think I need to go up a dose because it’s working but not as much as I would like. What’s your experience with this med and how is it working for you?",Anxiety +52202,Why do I want to hide all the time? I just want to curl up and hide from everything. There’s too many worries going on I just want to hide I hate going anywhere.,Anxiety +52203,"Disability for anxiety Does anyone actually have disability for anxiety and panic disorder ?? +I’m seriously worried about my working future at this point and am wondering if anyone actually gets disability",Anxiety +52204,"TW// SELF HARM So I don’t cut as often as I use too but I bought these sharp cute box cutters off of Amazon and I started overthinking that “what if I just gave myself tetanus by using it” even though they are new and I’m most likely fine +But I can’t stop overthinking",Anxiety +52205,"Tongue burning/tingling/anxiety symptom Does anyone experience odd oral sensations when highly anxious, tongue tingling, burning etc",Anxiety +52206,"Lyft/Uber help please 🥲 I’m terrified of driving and thus, don’t have a car nor the knowledge of driving in general. I recently stepped way out of my comfort zone and moved to another state with the help of my parents and family, however I need a job. I’m a petite person and literally defenseless lol. + +How can I get a Lyft/Uber ride in the safest way possible? My anxiety is seemingly peaking with everything going on in my life at the moment and this has been the main concern since moving.",Anxiety +52207,,Anxiety +52208,Breath holding Anyone find themselves holding their breath throughout the day? I’ve been having this swaying feeling (again) and I’m wondering if it’s related to that. Always catch myself holding my breath!,Anxiety +52209,"Does anyone else get sad or nervous when they get prescribed a new medication? I’ve been struggling with anxiety since childhood and have had multiple psychiatrists, therapists and general practitioners help me try to find the right combo of meds to help me. Recently, I’ve been in a 6 month long extended period of anxiety for many reasons, but we have also been trying to find the right meds. + +Talked to my psych. today and we decided to add a new medication in to try, one I used in high school that was helpful at the time, however I still felt a little sad after the appointment. I’m happy to be working toward a helpful solution, but mourning the fact that I can’t be “normal” and will likely be on medications for a very long time. It makes me feel a little broken, and I fear my friends and family may even see me that way. + +I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt this way? I’m happy to be trying new solutions, but also a little blue. Does that make any sense?",Anxiety +52210,"Health anxiety sucks. I've been struggling with headaches & a lot of brain fog for the past month or so. It hasn't really caused any issues besides me feeling super out of it & pain until recently after a really sharp pain in the left side of my head which has lead to the ''buzzing'' in my head getting a lot worse and the same side throbbing randomly. I'm so anxious it could be something serious but my brain is also telling me i'm overreacting. it's causing my health anxiety to flare up a lot, It's gotten so bad i'm wide awake googling symptoms of what it could possibly be & struggling to even relax at home because the symptoms are constant which leads my anxiety going through the roof and the cycle continues. I wanna go to the doctor but I also don't wanna waste their time in case they can't help me or it isn't anything at all & it's all in my head. I was struggling before this but now this is really debilitating for me. I don't wanna get out of bed because i'm just gonna have to deal with the random pain/throbbing and the anxiety about it. I just wanna feel normal again.",Anxiety +52211,"Unable to overcome extreme stress severely impacting my productivity I am seriously regretting my decision to go to grad school- I thought I was prepared for it, but I'm wasn't. I was an academically strong student in my undergraduate program and went straight to grad school after because I really enjoy academia. I found my education to be so fulfilling- but now the spark is completely lost. + +Ever since starting grad school my anxiety has NEVER been worse. I have always struggled, but not like this. I have panic attacks just from opening up my computer to do work. The thought of opening my email makes my chest hurt. Anxiety is showing up in other areas- I've had panic attacks because I was just convinced I was going to die within the next few days- because I just felt it. I have panic attacks when someone calls me, thinking they are going to tell me there's been some horrible tragedy. I'm convinced I see people with guns pointed toward me and I am going to be a victim of a mass shooting. I know there's something really wrong going on right now, + +And I'm so depressed. I have no drive to do things. The fear of consequences is building up my anxiety, but the thought of doing the thing just seems like the most impossible feat. + +I've barely submit any assignments- I keep trying to get them done. I tell myself that today is going to be the day I tackle even just one small thing, but this horrible feeling inside my chest and stomach just paralyzes me from being able to get anything done. I tell myself in 5 minutes I'll get up, it turns into 30 minutes, to 5 hours- then the next thing I know I've exhausted myself from just thinking about what I have to do & I decide that I will try again tomorrow. Each time I try again, I fail. + +I wish there was a way others could see how much effort I am putting in- even brushing my teeth and taking a shower are demanding tasks. Eating isn't even enjoyable & food doesn't taste appealing to me- I nearly gag with every bite trying to feed myself. + +I wish I didn't have to feel like this. I want to enjoy school and pursue my passions. I was so proud of how far I've come, only to let is all crash and burn now.",Anxiety +52212,"Got prescribed inderal (propranolol) So I went to my GP (general practitioner aka your family doctor) and told her I had been feeling anxious lately, especially before big exams or oral presentations (I start shaking and feeling physically sick, unfocused, can't think straight, etc). She gave me a prescription for inderal and told me to take it on days when I have exams or big events. + +However, I googled and it just looks like something to lower your blood pressure. So not that I'm complaining because, honestly, anything helps, but isn't this just going to treat the physical symptoms instead of the overlying issue aka the anxiety? It just sounds like I'll still have the mental anxiety, just with a lower heartbeat lmao + +Has anyone tried this medication and has it worked for you? I'm not doubting my doctor but I'd like to know how it felt for other people",Anxiety +52213,"feeling of body falling anyone else gets this feeling of your body falling down not only when you’re falling asleep? even when standing, walking, sitting or just relaxing",Anxiety +52214,"Diarrhea, nausea, gag reflex - stressful situations Hey, is there anyone who had these symptoms as a result of stress? I get diarrhea before leaving home if I have to get somewhere by public transport. Before dentist visit I get nausea and gag reflex without vomiting, it lasts all the time and it's destroying my life completely. I can't go to the dentist, I can't go somewhere by public transport, I only feel fine when I know there is a restroom nearby and I will be able to use it whenever I want. My life is a hell. I react bad to all SSRI like my sister she has tried many ssri's for her anxiety disorder and none of them worked correctly - I don't know it's genetic or what but me and she react very similar to them. My GI wants me to start trimebutine, is there anyone who has tried it?",Anxiety +52215,Anxiety about being a share house So I'm a pretty anxious person but when I'm out and about I can sort of just deal with it. But when I'm at home and living with strangers I find it really hard to come out of my room to just do normal things like cook if they are in the kitchen or going to the bathroom while someone is around. It's really frustrating because I feel like I just sit and fester with it in my room but I just get too anxious to leave. My home is somewhere I need to be most comfortable so I'm finding it a bit debilitating not feeling comfortable. So does anyone have some tips for me to build up the courage to just become a normal roommate. I've tried making conversation with the person I'm living with but they didn't really seem interested so I think that has made more anxious. But yeah if anyone has any help that would be greatly appreciated 😊,Anxiety +52216,"I need help to fight. Hi, I'm from Turkey. I'm 21 y.o. and studying in University. I hate my familiy, cause they bring me full of problems. And last month, me and my girlfriend rent our house. But 4 days ago, she broke up with me. Just a month... And now, I have comeback to my family's house and I'm full of anxiety. I'm so upset because I love my girlfriend. She broke up with me because I'm so angry. But the fact is that; I'm trying to not be. But of course sometimes I failed. Her and I, we were really good. We were understand each other perfectly. I really don't understand why is have to happen. She fired me. Now I'm staying with my brother. And I don't want to comeback to my familiy's house. And I'm missing her. What sould I do?",Anxiety +52217,"Health anxiety is steering me towards a nervous breakdown My health anxiety is getting the best of me lately. Been having eye floaters the last few years and tinnitus so I was obsessing over a brain tumor. Then lately it turned into colon cancer and pancreatic cancer due to stomach issues. Now I woke up this morning and smelled burnt rubber or something similar to it and now I'm back to freaking out over a brain tumor because I couldn't figure out if it was real or not. I did have my bedroom window open which faces the parking lot of my apartment complex and I didn't smell the smell when I went into the other room but still it freaked me out and now I'm obsessing over that. No I'm not sick and don't have nor have had covid. I've seen two old neighbors of mine die from it within months and that's the root of my anxiety with it and now with this what I think was a phantom smell, I'm terrified. And now I can't tell if what I'm smelling is real or not. I came in from walking my dog and thought I smelled the burnt rubber again but it was just my coffee brewing.  + +I literally feel like I'm at my wits end. I can't find a therapist due to time scheduling conflicts with my job. I was prescribed a medication by my PCP but I don't like how anti depressants affect my sex drive (the one thing that helps me cope with all of this). The health anxiety is just getting worse the older I get too (35 now). It sends me into deep depressions and I feel like it's ruining my life at this point. It's like I have a choice to either be medicated and impotent or keep spiraling mentally. I hate this. I hate my brain and that it thinks this way. And I hate that you can get a fatal disease no matter how healthy you try to live your life. I'm so full of anger right now over all of this. I'm at work now and have such bad brain fog over all of this to the point where it feels dreamlike.",Anxiety +52218,"Ear clogging/fullness/dizziness Has anyone ever had these symptoms from anxiety? I feel like the last week or two I've had this intense feeling of clogging that I can release if I hold my nose or yawn, but it just keeps happening for no reason. + +Has anyone ever dealt with this with anxiety?",Anxiety +52219,"What are you ashamed of? Not being able to work. + +Of my crippling anxiety. + +Of not being able to function like a normal person. + +Not being able to be social anymore. Normal things like smiling or looking in someones eyes have become very difficult. + +Just ashamed of feeling bad all the time.",Anxiety +52220,Morning After I had an anxiety attack last night and woke this morning still feeling it a little. Does anyone else have anxiety attacks that last longer than a day. I have taken one ativan so far. Which helped me get to sleep.,Anxiety +52221,"Anyone else get throbbing pulse with dizziness? Keep getting these waves of feeling warm sick and lightheaded even when I'm laying down. + +Usually when it happens I can feel my pulse in my fingers and my head gets heavy. + +Anyone else get this? Any idea what made it stop?",Anxiety +52222,"Anxiety about my appearance separates my life in two sides Hello! Today, I (18M) fully realized that I cannot function properly as a human being, unless I'm directly seeking acceptance in others. This translates to me not showering, not brushing my teeth, not shaving, not even washing my hands when no one is going to see that I am clean and ""normal"". + + + I recently started college, I've been making friends and generally having a great time, this, if u look at it from the outside. + + + Inside my head, I just cannot get the sense out of my mind that someone is going to think less of me and criticize me physically, because of my clothes, my face, my hair, because I have a gray shadow even after just 30 minutes of shaving, because somehow I smell bad, etc. I have crippling anxiety just thinking about someone criticizing my looks in their heads (And don't let me start with my personality), basically all this converts into me having a sort of ""Double life"". + + +When I need to go outside, I do all the work I can possibly do to try and look nice, smell good and be a nice person. But the moment I'm in my home, my mind unconsciously switches to a gross side, I don't take care of myself in any way type or form, suddenly I am mean, lazy, antisocial and want to die once again. The cycle repeats day after day, I've been trying to make myself go to the gym and eat better for months now, but my body just doesn't respond, every fiber of my mind tells me that I can't do anything right, I will always be kinda ugly, kinda fat, and kinda gross, so why bother trying? + + +Maybe nothing of this makes any sense, sorry, english is not my first language and i'm just trying to cope somehow",Anxiety +52223,"can thinking negative thoughts influence sleep? these past few nights i’ve been feeling sooo lonely and sad. when i go to sleep i try to distract myself by reading or watching a show, but i still have this lingering sadness and sometimes really negative thoughts. now the past few nights i’ve also been waking up multiple times during the night feeling off, and then falling asleep again. is this all related or is something else wrong with me?",Anxiety +52224,"Therapy Vent I'm 32 and for the first time ever I reached out for help and scheduled a therapy appointment. Unfortunately after the first session, I discovered my insurance will not cover any therapy anywhere. Out-of-pocket at the place I went is $180/hr. I was so disappointed that I became even more depressed and stayed in bed all day crying. It's so frustrating that I finally did the right thing and now I can't do it. Makes me wish I didn't even try. + +My PCP prescribed sertraline. I've never taken anxiety meds before. I have bad health anxiety too so it's hard for me to not worry about the side effects so I haven't started them. I really wanted to try the therapy route instead. So disappointed and feeling hopeless.",Anxiety +52225,choking feeling Does anyone know why I feel like I'm suffocating? If anyone knows can they please help me?,Anxiety +52226,"Best meds for physical symptoms? My main issues with my anxiety are the physical symptoms I experience… brain fog, chest pains, rapid heart rate, and just an overall feeling of dread. They seem to come on randomly with no obvious mental trigger. I wish there were some mental triggers so that I could address them, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case. + +Anyway, anyone in a similar boat who has found some medication that works for them? I know everyone reacts differently, but would love to hear your thoughts.",Anxiety +52227,"Backsliding Anxiety Avalanche 35 F and I need help. Apologies for typos (on mobile) and length, but so, so grateful for those who read this. + +My shoulders, chest, back and jaw are always cleanched like I'm subconsciously trying to curl up into myself. I cant sleep, small sounds cause my heart to race and I wake up with adrenaline. I'm always exhausted, and because of this, I'm feeling so hopeless. I cry out of fear or frustration at least once a day now making me feel pathetic and empty. I shake, have numb limbs, depersonalization and chronically check my pulse. I feel like I'm dying all the time and like someone vacuumed all the joy and confidence I once built up out of my soul. + +I stopped taking sertraline after 8ish years and it's going terribly. I slowly weaned myself off because of an imminent lack of insurance back in September, and I'm not doing well. Before I went off medication, I went part time from working a full time management position for over 12 years. At first, I was elated to be home so much. I had dreamed of being part time, accomplishing so many things at home, ( we bought a foreclosed home 9 years ago with TONS of issues) just being less stressed in general, but because of the part time status, I lost insurance. My partner who works 12 hour days and I were not married yet, and knowing I would lose coverage and wanting to get pregnant soon, I slowly weaned myself off Sertraline as responsibly as possible. This actually went okay, surprisingly, but I'm thinking it was because I still had medication in my system. + +Before I was off meds I was binge drinking about 2-3 times per week, which has been an issue since I was 18, as well as insane amounts of weed smoking- so, additional self medication that was frankly really bad to do on meds. Drinking was ingrained in me as a coping mechanism that caused so, so many problems over the years. Being medicated helped numb the terrible anxiety and withdrawing I would go through with drinking, so it made it possible to continue this cycle for years. I am a very naturally anxious person, from childhood until now. I am an only child who had an extremely verbally abusive father which I know caused a lot of problems. + +By December of this year I had noticed the familiar feelings of not just hints-of-anxiousness, but the crippling anxiety coming back. I drink a bit in Decemeber, and for at least five days after, would notice terrible, horrible anxiety, withdrawals and sleeplessness. This was so much more severe unmedicated I literally had to stop which had not happened consistently since my teens. Because of it being a coping mechanism, and major ingrained habit, I had some huge issues mourning a ""friend"" and psuedo-tool I had used for years to overcome social anxiety and insecurity. This was obviously never helping, but in the throes of addiction and habit, I couldn't recognize it. + +Then caffeine started affecting me in a negative way. Even small amounts would cause heart palpitations and severe unease. It became a gateway for a panic attack. I would usually consume a decent amount of caffeine before work, which made me feel more efficient, confident and social. Just like drinking. Now, I had lost two major things I used to cope with life. I had some peace with knowing I should have quit drinking years ago and letting it go, but now I couldn't even handle caffeine? But wait! There's more! Enter weed smoking, which I had already largely cut back. I went from smoking as soon as I got home from work to just before bed to sleep. I have always had major sleeping issues and maijuana helped turn my obsessive thoughts off so I could sleep. Now it was causing the same panic caffeine did. I had a violent panic attack in January after smoking and almost thought I needed to call an ambulance. + +I'm sure by now, you can see I have some substance reliance issues. I know this, and I'm not proud. I should in theory be proud I stopped three bad habits/addictions AND antidepressants. Instead, I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel devastatingly hopeless. I feel truly alien, like I cant be a normal functioning human. I'm chronically jittery, exhausted and scared. I feel like although overcoming addiction I have backslid into my lowest low. I have had to leave work because of panic attacks. I dont go out to social events unless absolutely necessary, and spend the whole time in partial terror. I have no joy in anything I used to care about. I feel like I'm driving my mother and husband insane with my repetitive, obsessive anxieties, insecurities and attacks. They are so supportive, but I cant help but feel like they are a little over it. + +The last two months have been awful. By now, I expected some relief from my brain getting used to being off meds, but instead I'm now worried this is just who I am unmedicated. I obsess about the house not being fixed, people judging it, things imminently breaking, about not being pregnant yet, ( biological clock shit) disapointing family and friends and its leaving me feeling utterly hopeless. I have been in therepy off and on for years, read countless books, every supplement out there, meditation, watched tons of videos and documentaries on anxiety, improved my diet, reached out to others, breathing exercises... you name it. I know most of the tools to help with anxiety. I've tried almost all of them. I have held off on going back on medication in hopes of becoming pregnant, but that hasn't happened yet and frankly I dont want to start and stop medication again right now. + +I'm afraid of everything. I feel like I'm disconnected and disassociated from myself. Its unrelenting. I dont have ""good"" days, lately. Shit, I'd take mediocre ones! I have tried to push through, get tasks done around the house to feel like I'm accomplishing something, positive affirmations...nothing is working. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of being afraid of basic life tasks, like making appointments, working, social obligations, etc. I'm tired of feeling adrenaline over every sound, waking up anxious, taking hours to fall asleep because I'm anxious and dont sleep. Im so sore because I'm always clenched and tense. I'm always checking my pulse. Im always worried about horrible things happening to myself and family, health related or otherwise. This cyclical unrelenting chronic crippling anxiety is making me insane. I am considering therepy again, but past experiences have not been the best. + +I guess I'm just trying to find someone who gets it. This isn't something I feel like the average person who I've talked to about anxiety understands. Who else has panic attacks in the freezer aisle of the grocery store, work or at baby showers? My senses feel so heightened to any stimuli. I cant keep putting on a brave face and hearing people's surprise when I tell them how anxious I am all the time. ""But you're so calm! You seem so chill!"" Ugh. I must mask it well because I'm internally combusting. This doesnt feel like it will ever relent, and I'm starting to just feel anxious and depressed, chronically. I cant live like this anymore, and I'm losing all hope of improving. + +Thank you so much for reading!",Anxiety +52228,"Random thoughts ⚠️ im not asking for medical diagnosis i just dont know where to ask, help!⚠️ + +Hello everyone, I want to ask about something, sometimes I will be just living life doing normal things and all of the sudden I get a ""bad"" thought, for example getting hit by a car or something, and I imagine myself the way I am at the moment, bit then I quickly I try to modify the thought like switching the colour of my jacket, by doing that the thought that I had wasn't real because I don't have that coloured jacket and thus no bad thing will happen. WHAT IS THAT?",Anxiety +52229,"How do you guys accept it's anxiety and not a serious health issue? So I've had following symptoms.... + +Headaches +Palpitations +Rapid heart at rest +Dizziness +Feeling faint never actually fainted +Feeling weak and sick +Constant adrenaline surges or like dropping sensations + +Does anyone else have or had all of that? Been on and off for me for 2 years now. + +Had a million heart and blood tests all normal. + +Been doing therapy but I think my biggest problem is I just cannot convince myself this is all anxiety and constantly wondering if it's a serious heart issue or something.",Anxiety +52230,,Anxiety +52231,I hate this I had a random panic attack last night and I feel so bad today. I've decided to come to work rather than stay home and recover because it makes my wife worry so much. This is hell.,Anxiety +52232,Vistaril success? Has another had success for this as needed for anxiety? Starting it tonight as I’m in the middle of a big anxiety attack.,Anxiety +52233,Question I have had about a week of full blown anxiety. When you have an episode do you feel completely exhausted and weak?,Anxiety +52234,"How do you deal with depression as an entrepreneur? I run a venture-backed business and have lately realized that I might have mild to moderate depression. For the many, many months, I've been constantly overwhelmed, tired and frustrated, but for the past week, I've reached my breaking point, and now it seems that I've lost my drive, motivation, and it just feels numbing. I'm not excited by anything anymore. Fatigue all the time, and full of self-doubt. + +What will the best way to deal with this situation (not sure if it's diagnosed as depression)? Should I take some time off?",Anxiety +52235,"intense physical anxiety at the exact same time every day? has anyone else had this?? at about 12:00 every single day, school or no school, i get incredibly anxious. usually i can’t identify any kind of thought that may set it off, there’s no logical explanation for it. i just suddenly get really cold, really shaky, my heart races and i get SUPER restless. its starting earlier now than it used to which stresses me out a little since it still pretty much lasts until i go home. has anyone else had this??? i take all my meds in the morning and they’re all extended release:/",Anxiety +52236,crazy feeling anxiety attack i’ve had a couple anxiety attacks recently that really freaked me out they start in the middle of the night and most the time from me becoming super aware of my teeth then i spiral and have incoherent thoughts or like the same sentence just playing over and over in my head words stop making sense and my body feels like a machine i become hyper aware of my breathing and it doesn’t feel right when it first happened i swear a past out and got transported to a astral plane or something like some tool album cover shit recently have been feeling like nothing is really real and just a result of chemical reactions in my brain yfm has anyone else felt this way too,Anxiety +52237,"Can intense chronic anxiety over the years cause chronic fatigue? I’ve been dealing with tough anxiety for +10 years and for the last year or so I have chronic fatigue. Can chronic fatigue come from long term anxiety? +I just feel drained, my batteries are totally empty.",Anxiety +52238,"I don't know whether it's anxiety or an underlying health condition, at my wits end 😔 31F.... +I don't really know where to start I've been struggling for such a long time and I just don't know what's an anxiety symptom, or symptom of an underlying medical condition anymore. I've had anxiety and OCD for the longest time, had CBT a couple of times in my life but I still suffer immensely with anxiety, it has taken the form of different themes over the years but at the moment I'm struggling awful with health anxiety. + +I have lots of physical symptoms, and I do have some medical issues too, and I'm finding it really hard to differentiate between the two. + +My main physical symptoms are: +-tight chest and breathlessness (to the point it feels like my airways are closing up) +-strange sensation in throat and tongue +-scratchy throat +-diarrhea (sometimes severe) & constipation +-abdominal pain & nausea +-brain fog and intense headaches +-light headedness +-dry throat +-nasal drip +- feeling of tight muscles and tension in my abdomen, neck and shoulders +-some tingling and numbness in various areas of body + +Aside from this I have been diagnosed with polyps on the gallbladder, a liver cyst and mild fatty liver recently. I have also found some small hard lumps in centre of chest/ left of abdomen just along the bottom rib. I am getting these checked but not until 17th April! +I have really been struggling to eat recently, every time I do eat I get a lot of the physical symptoms I've described above, then I get frightened I'm having an allergic reaction and am going to develop anaphylaxis (I've never been allergic to food before, but I do have asthma) so I just avoid eating. I've lost over 2 stone in weight in the past 6 weeks. + +When I got the diagnosis of gallbladder polyps and liver cyst/ fatty liver it really set me back and panicked me. I've had two family members die of liver cirrhosis (they were alcoholics though, and I don't drink anymore, and have never to that extent) and I think I just got it into my head that I was going to die or these growths were going to develop in to cancer. + +I can't stop googling and searching my symptoms and I've come across something called MCAS, and with the physical symptoms of allergy and various growths I have in mind, I've convinced myself that I have MCAS. + +I really don't know what to do to be honest, I've got a young family that I need to care for but instead I'm bed ridden and feeling like rubbish all the time and it's really getting me down.",Anxiety +52239,"Head Sweats? Hot Flushes? Excuse my post, and hoping it doesnt come across in a stereotypical way - apologies in advance if it does. + +I understand that hot flushes can be a thing for females, but I was wondering if any gents get what appears to be hot flushes with their anxiety? + +It feels me head is in full sweat, but when I run my hand across my forehead and back of my head my temp feels normal. + +TIA",Anxiety +52240,"AI, and the devaluation of humanity I’ve been thinking a lot about AI recently. The explosion of Chat-GPT, Midjourney, DALLE-2….someone with zero writing or art skills can spend 3 seconds coming up with a prompt and generate something incredible. Something a human would spend hours or even days coming up with. And it’s accelerating faster than we could have imagined. AI voice spoofing, AI generated images of celebrities and politicians, plagiarized college essays…these things were unimaginable 6 months ago. + +All this gives me anxiety and not just because I’m a writer as my profession. It’s devaluing human talent and creativity - everyone can now do it, therefore it means nothing. Over-saturation renders everything meaningless. And the irony is that humans made this tech that is now outshining all of us…and will ultimately do everything better than we can. + +This is a pivotal time in humanity and I am not ready for it and I don’t think anyone is really ready for it. Everything from the way we work to the way we consume media will be completely upended by AI. + +I just want to rewind 20 years and live peacefully. I don’t want all this change. And it’s filling me with anxiety, hopelessness and dread.",Anxiety +52241,"Today i was calm and collected Hi fellas, so I was using public transport for 4 hours today only when i arrived i was told that they made a mistake and i need to get there tomorrow. I went back another 4 hours home. I wasnt upset nor anxious and i just felt oddly calm, i dont even think they expected that, i feel like it could be the mediciation bringing me peace of mind :). +Either way it made me really happy",Anxiety +52242,"Took Ashwagandha now I'm experiencing horrible pains. Anyone else going through this? 22FTM. I started these ashwagandha 300mg gummies roughly 1 every 12 hours a week and half ago and now my chest is constantly in pain it also induced an entire panic attack out of me, do not take ashwagandha without consulting your doctor or someone with your medical history. I'm so scared that these side effects will never stop and that I have poisoned myself. My chest, arms, and back have been aching and fatigue. I am so sad that I started these because I'm scared this is going to end up killing me. Sites or other reddit users keep using the words poison or ""ruined my life"" etc. I'm jus scared it won't stop. No one will confirm that the side effects stopped after they took them.",Anxiety +52243,"Anxiety med. that's not an antidepressant? Hello! + +I have always been anxious, and as of 2-3 years ago, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I've been in therapy for years and tried all sorts of medications (Lexapro, Zoloft, medical marijuana, CBD, Valium, Klonopin, Xanax, Amitriptyline), and the only thing that worked were the benzos. I'm extremely lucky to have an NP who fills my Xanax refills. The problem is... I don't want to be addicted to this medication. I take it very sparingly, which is why it works so well, but I only take these when I feel nauseous/jittery/panicky, which, fortunately, is not 24/7. However, I do have GAD pretty bad. In the shower, thoughts just race and I can't find the ""off"" switch. It's ruined my sleep. It's taken a dump on my memory. I just cannot live like this anymore. + +Meditations help in the moment I do them, but I feel like I need to be medicated. I was on Zoloft for about 6 months, and it helped tremendously, but when I tried getting back on it (I properly titrated my dose when I get off them), for some reason the side effects were extremely unbearable. Granted, I started back at 50mg, when before I was on it for 25mg for a week and then 50mg the second week and continued for 4-6 weeks. It could also be that at the time I could tolerate medical marijuana, but now, that makes me either anxious/jittery or straight-up nauseous. + +Lexapro? Forget it. I started at 10mg, and that was a nightmare. I was so nauseous by day 2, if it wasn't for my anti-nausea med, I would've projectile vomitted all over my kitchen floor. The other time I was at 5mg, and I felt so cracked out. + +I also don't like that SSRIs are rough on my body for 4-6 weeks. Maybe that's just the gamble you take, but I hate having increased anxiety, inability to ejaculate, and horrendous stomach pains for a month. Does that sound like fun to anyone? + +I took amitriptyline, and that was more for chronic pain, and it barely did anything, and as for anxiety, I didn't notice much of a difference either, and I tried this medication at 10 and 25mg. + +I have an appointment with my NP tomorrow, and she is well aware I struggle with anxiety. Is there a medication that's not an antidepressant that works for GAD and is not a benzo, meaning I can take as often as needed? + +I've also tried supplements like L-Theanine, Melatonin, and Ashwagandha, and they don't do crap. + +Any experiences with non-antidepressants that worked for you?",Anxiety +52244,"Crippling dry heaving panic attacks Whenever i have any “event” i get insane rising anxiety leading to it. Anything like public presentation, job interview, doctor appt, or even going to a friends house party or “going out” (haha i rarely) + +Days before ill start preparing , night before i can barely sleep. I can feel adrenaline increasing 24-48 hours. I get EXTREMELY alert. + +The day of i wake up i cant eat anything. Cant even drink more than a few sips of water. + +The hours leading up i begin HARD coughing and dry heaving. To the point ill damage my throat and it gets sore. I never actually throw up but this has been happening so long i just dont eat to be safe. Still i get uncontrollable gagging. Like i actually think i gave myself a hernia. Im talking violent gagging until i see stars, floaters and lights in my eyes, heart racing, chest muscles / stomach strained and hurting from the none stop gagging and heaving and coughing. + +Then right when i walk into the “event” its all gone. + +Im still nervous but my mind tends to blank out and i disassociate a lot. This really fucks up technical job interviews because i totally blank out. A pure calm bliss blank state. + +AFTER, i go home a complete weight is lifted off me. Im STARVING now. Extremely low anxiety, relaxed, rest state. Eating a ton because i probably have been eating 500-1000cals the last few days. + +I really wasnt built for this life. I need to go live in some mountains or something + +Anyone else have anything similar to share? + +Thanks for reading lol",Anxiety +52245,"Suddenly felt like I cant breath? I was having a panic attack, then i calmed down a little and then suddenly i feel like something is taking away my breath from the inside for a second, its like a sleep apnea, but i am awake. Is this normal??? I've had this in sleep before when fell asleep after being stressed, but I've never had this awake. Now i have a strange feeling in my throat and stomach. Might this be related to stomach?",Anxiety +52246,Going through a rough patch and also having to start working soon. Possibly going to use benzos temporarily Difficult combination of things that make me very overwhelmed. Been hyper stimulated the past month where I just feel pretty terrible but it’s starting to get better as of the past couple days. I’m debating on taking partial amounts of clonozopam (idk how to spell it) it’s a benzo and typically I wouldn’t do it but having to start work and feeling overwhelmed I don’t see another option. Any suggestions on how I should go about. I just wanted it to be a temporary thing to get me going. Or use in moments of very high discomfort while working.,Anxiety +52247,"Health Anxiety This past few months I’ve had a set of symptoms that have had me worried that I have a neurological disorder. I am wondering if these symptoms could be caused by stress, and if anyone here has had similar symptoms they know to be caused by stress. + +A little context, I recently got accepted into my dream job. The only hitch is that it has intense training for six months, where if you fail a test at any point you are dismissed. The material we are required to study is immense in volume and the tests are close to twice a week. + +In the month leading up to the course I found myself experiencing a small head fog. It developed more and more over the weeks into the worst head fog of my life. I could barely think and always felt a sort of pressure in my head. Math I would normally fly through was difficult and even just simple thoughts were hard to get out sometimes. As the course started my vision started to feel off, not quite sure if it was/is double or blurry as it’s not that bad, but I can tell it’s off. My eyes also got super sore for a week or so. About a week ago I also started to feel my left jaw and arm go a bit numb/tingly. It’s mostly there but comes and goes in intensity. + +Since the head fog I have been chronically online in search of answers which has lead me down every rabbit hole. I am frightened i have something like MS, and though I know my research into it along with my stress with my course is more likely to blame, I can’t help but doubt that stress alone could give me blurry vision, numb arm/face, and immense brain fog + +I would really appreciate anyone’s experience with stress, ms, or related symptoms. + +Thanks all",Anxiety +52248,"Burning sensation in right side of the face only Hi everyone. + +I have been experiencing on and off burning sensation only in my right side of the face. I think that if it would be anxiety, it’s usually on both sides. Has anyone experienced something similar?",Anxiety +52249,,Anxiety +52250,"It’s hard to be anxious and also want people to think you’re happy Like when I’m anxious there isn’t much I can do about it, I can try to self soothe and whatnot but it’s still hard to put on a smiley face and be upbeat and cheerful. Especially when you can feel this way for days at a time or longer. But people look at you differently if you’re not upbeat and bubbly and cheerful especially as a woman. If I don’t enjoy everything or laugh at everything or keep conversation I’m grumpy or in a bad mood or just weird. And what am I supposed to say? That I’m anxious? So they can respond “why” and that’s just a rabbit hole I can’t go into.",Anxiety +52251,"How do I know I really have GAD? Because of my bad academic performance I was advised to go to see a doctor + +and I did, after 1h of taking he said I have a slight depression and GAD and gave me a description to take Brintellix I didn’t feel I had GAD so I went to see another one this time I didn’t talk much it was quick 20m and still the second doctor said the same slight depression and GAD this time the description is 75g of venlafaxine + +Should I take the med or see a third one?",Anxiety +52252,"Leaxapro, Abilify and buspirone together? Has anyone taken all 3 of these? I have a panic and GAD and my doctor wants me to take all of these. Buspirone only as needed but I read it’s better to take it daily",Anxiety +52253,l-theanine Just looking for people's experiences. I've ordered some but am a bit nervous as read that some people feel worse when they don't take one every day. Thanks.,Anxiety +52254,"not sure if this is anxiety or something else i’m (22F) i smoke weed and i’m not on any regular medication, i don’t vape or consume nicotine only THC. for the past couple months i wake up every morning between 3-6, have this gross sick feeling in my stomach and a rise in my stomach and i poop every single morning, sometimes normal sometimes diarrhea sometimes little pebble but it really affects my stomach and happens every morning i can’t just wake up normally anymore. + +it’s like physical symptoms of anxiety the rise in my stomach and chest the anxious feeling in stomach the anxious poops but nothing mentally. i also had mild acid reflux but it hasn’t been bad lately idk if there’s any correlation but even throught the day i feel really tight and anxious right now for no reason physically and it won’t go away.",Anxiety +52255,Woke up after an hour sleeping anxious. Need chat Hey it’s 4:40am and I really need a convo since I’m super anxious 😪 idk what to tbh. I’m so afraid currently that I’m starting to tremble,Anxiety +52256,,Anxiety +52257,,Anxiety +52258,"Panic attacks I have a bit of a choking phobia well when I say but I means a lot. + +It causes me to panic but not very often. +I know it’s irrational I have never choked on anything … ever. + +I get mucus as I have a deviated nasal septum and sometimes that even makes me panic. + +I left my husband a few weeks ago and I am on my own now. +My god the choking anxiety has got so much worse to the point where I am panicking about the slightest change. + +I’m putting in the work and seeing a therapist and getting some medication from the doctors which I haven’t started yet. + +I kind of just want someone to tell me this will get easier that it will pass and go back to more manageable levels. +I feel like at times it’s driving me to want to go back to my husband cos obvs I must have felt so safe there is my anxiety was much more manageable however I know that’s not a reason to stay with someone. + +Everything feels really hard right now.",Anxiety +52259,"So does anyone else have, like, anxiety nightmares? I’m not sure what to call them but they’re like nightmares but it’s not spooky scary or someone dying nightmare it’s just you in an uncomfortable situation and you have a complete anxiety attack and everyone judges you for it and insults you for being weak and all your insecurities are multiplied + +I get these kinda often and I’m genuinely curious if it’s normal or an anxiety thing or if it’s abnormal",Anxiety +52260,"Does anyone else get presentation anxiety?? Someone mentiones the word presentation and my heart rate shoots up, people at my college just say ""don't think about it"" like yeah..that will work won't it?",Anxiety +52261,"I need advice. I’ve had Crohns since I was 6 years old, currently 21, and it has affected me more than I realized. My mental health is very bad and has been since 2020. My mother passed away the moment I graduated high school in 2019 and I haven’t been the same since. I don’t have any other family near me to help me out, and I’m alone in my head all the time even though I have a girlfriend. She helps me as best as she can but it doesn’t change anything once nighttime comes around. Once she’s asleep I’m back to overthinking and start crying and want to just end it all. I miss my old life, I miss what I used to have, and I’ll never be the same again. And just thinking about that kills me. I’ve been told many of times to just think about the present instead of the future or past, or don’t think badly, try to think of all the good times and BS like that but it doesn’t work for me. I’m mentally fucked up and physically with my stomach. I physically can’t work due to my Crohns, I’m on the toilet at least 5-6 times a day sometimes even up to 10 times. And it’s never pretty. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m on a small budget, and I’m just tired of feeling like this. I used to smoke weed but I’ve stopped thinking it would help out in the long run but it hasn’t been any different since I’ve quit. I will not take pills, I do not want to get addicted to anything or be stuck on psych meds. Please God can someone help me find a way to make it out. I’m so smart and I have such a good head on my shoulders but I just physically and mentally can’t work or do anything 70% of the day. Please, if anybody has any advice on what I can do to get the voices out of my head without admitting myself I would be forever grateful.",Anxiety +52262,"Marijuana Use Hello All, + +Just wanted to drop in to see for those who use marijuana as a means of battling anxiety such as myself. Which strains have provided you the most relief?? I am a medical patient in the state of PA so this is fully legal. Thanks in advance.",Anxiety +52263,"How often do you take benzos? I am not able to function without it I am only able to focus when I take 5mg Valium. I am then able to drive and work again. +I only take it once or twice a week but I am thinking about upping it a little cause it’s the only time i can be productive and get out of my mess.",Anxiety +52264,"Driving Panic Attacks Has anyone ever dealt with Panic/anxiety Attacks when they are driving. Started with me about 5 years ago when I swirved off the road and ever since then I get panic attacks. I am able to drive on regular roads but the highways I have the most difficult time with. It’s unbearable to deal with, especially when you have to drive often. Any one find a way to overcome and deal with it? Willing to try anything to erase this feeling and going back to driving normal. I used to love to drive all the time.",Anxiety +52265,"unsettling feelings Im feeling something hard to describe and a bit numb. I assume it has to do with anxiety, because of my breathing patterns and overthinking. + +It's triggered very easily by the confrontational tone my mom takes sometimes, it's lately about a sensitive topic. She assumes my feelings and it feels like she's arguing with me about things where there's no need to argue, because im literally just telling her how im feeling bad about the things i did wrong in my relationship and such, and she's arguing about why i keep feeling this way about it and keep blaming myself for a lot of it. She says things about my ex that i don't know how to feel about. Things like ""her life is negative and all over the place anyway and she dragged you into it"" and all that. + +I feel like when she argues with me about my feelings it's a form of gaslighting. + +I had been doing progress recovering from hating myself and seeing things more objectively concerning the relationship. + +I always feel like im pretending whenever im not doing well or when i intentionally try to get better. I never perceived i had real struggles in life. In therapy, i saw that i did have things to deal with invisibly with my family. I had set, for the last few days, on the road for feeling more authentic with myself and people around me. I felt the breakup was an obvious hurdle that i can make use of for growth without feeling pretentious about overcoming things, because of how it forced me to rethink things about myself while validating why they're there to begin with. + +Mom's argument for the relationship is just that my ex was a very negative person who's carelessly trying to gatekeep me. I spiralled so hard after a tough breakup conversation where i saw it wasnt true. I hated how i couldve been convinced of that too. I hate the person it made me. I hate how in my head i was throughoit the whole relationship, and mom contributed to that. Im too impressionable with mom. + +Somehow, these things are linked now that i write without inhibitions. I guess i'll just keep writing until this feeling of emptiness passes. + +But i was starting to like myself more as of yesterday. She doesnt know how much this approach of hers affects me! I was starting to feel like a more genuine and stoic person. + +Now im back to thinking in ways about my ex that im not proud of. I",Anxiety +52266,"Do I have a personality? I don’t feel like I have a personality, I feel boring. I know I’m probably not and I’m overthinking it but everything about me feels fake for some reason. I think I grew up my entire life fighting so hard for validation and only doing things for other people that now my personality traits feel like bits and pieces of other people and not my own. +I’ve also noticed that even though I’m 26 I am hardcore reverting into being a child. I LOVE cartoons. I LOVE squishmallows. I want pink and blue all over my living space I want to be a little kid but there’s also a constant fight against that with my adult side. Maybe im trying to heal my inner child (probably). But I just want so badly to feel like a genuine person and know who I am. ME. it’s just been bothering me a lot lately.",Anxiety +52267,"Feel terminally ill but tests are coming back showing nothing Hi I have a feeling that every breath that I take is gonna be my last or that I'm goin to collapse and its crippling me , I cannot walk more than a couple of meters now and have no quality of life I feel so desperate now and hopeless , has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on treatment , ive done brain scan , heart scans etc and they are coming back clear , any help at this stage would really appreciated as I don't how much more of this I can take and I have a young family",Anxiety +52268,"So incredibly mad at myself for stopping my medication I just came back from a semester abroad during which I basically completely dropped using sertraline which I’d been using for years, simply because I had no daily routine and forgot basically every day. + +Now I’m back and my anxiety is worse than it’s ever been and I stopped seeing my old psychiatrist before I left since she was horrible, so I’m still searching for a new one. I still have the meds and they’re not expired, but surprise surprise, I’m too anxious about what could go wrong to take them without medical input. + +I feel horrible and my mom basically blew up at me the other day saying how we went through so much effort to make sure I had enough medication to last me during my time abroad and now I’m suffering for basically no reason. And she’s absolutely right and I’m so mad at myself.",Anxiety +52269,"Tell me about propranolol fatigue I'm on 30mg propranolol a day (plus Effexor) for anxiety, panic attacks and depression. It seems to work pretty well except some days I am tired. My GP did comprehensive blood tests a few months ago and everything was normal. I'm also on Acetazolamide for idiopathic intracranial hypertension. I can't stop worrying about my health and lately, my anxiety has been centred around fatigue. I can sleep up to 10 hours a day sometimes and take naps at least twice a week. I'm really worried that I have cancer or a heart problem. I'm young (24) so I know it's unlikely but I cannot stop worrying.",Anxiety +52270,"I feel like a car idling and the gas is in full throttle. I haven't slept in two nights and I've been drinking too, I was hoping the alcohol would knock me out but it hasn't. My girlfriend is asleep beside me and I really don't wanna wake her but I'm concerned because I've been convulsing and my heart kinda of aches too. I also haven't eaten so I'm completely drained of energy but I'm trying to stay hydrated...I just don't know what to do anymore.",Anxiety +52271,"I need advice. I’m really tired and scared (TW: suicidal thoughts) I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks since I was a little kid. Always thought I was having a heart attack. I was always told it would get better. After a decade of therapy and 6 years of medications it’s gotten so bad. I can’t do anything anymore. I can hardly leave the house. I don’t have any friends to call. My symptoms have evolved to much worse, and much scarier things. I’m coming down from a panic attack right now and my face, arms, chest, and feet felt like they were burning up. That hasn’t happened before. And I’ve been having some other scary new symptoms the past week, but of course I don’t know if it’s anxiety or a legitimate problem. And I can’t afford to see a doctor even if I wanted to do so. A few months ago I had one where my face started going numb. I sobbed in the car with my hand hovering over “911” on my phone waiting for the stroke. I live with my parents still, but they are going out of town for 2 weeks, and I will be completely alone. My panic attacks get horrendous at night. Recently they have given me some really dark thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was dead so at least I wouldn’t have to deal with this ever again (ironic because I’m terrified of dying). I think “what if”? Knowing my parents are here at least gives me some sense of safety (not much, but some). But now I’m going to be completely alone. I’m so scared and so embarrassed cause I’m a grown adult who is sobbing because she’s scared of mom and dad going away. I genuinely do not have a single person to help me.",Anxiety +52272,"Xanax after drinking hald a glass of wine (~3oz) I'm pretty sure this is okay, but I wanted to reach out and make sure. I'm prescribed xanax and my Dr told me to take it 3-6 hours after drinking if I've drank. I had some red wine (about 3oz) It's been under three hours but i'm very anxious and can't handle it haha- so I took .25mg (half of my usual dose) will I be ok?",Anxiety +52273,"Fear of Hitting People To preface, I am not clinically diagnosed with anxiety. However, I'd like to think that there's something going on in my brain that's resemblant of anxiety. I'm not sure where else to post this, so my apologies if this is an inappropriate subreddit to do so. + +I've come to realize that I have a deep fear of hitting people. I don't believe this was induced by anything during my childhood - I led quite a happy, normal one. However, I've recently realized that I would never hit someone even if it came down to self-defense, and it's quite deterring. I simply can't bring myself to cause direct physical damage to someone - it feels like my muscles just disintegrate on me and my brain is doing everything possible to convince myself not to hit them. I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if this is something of genuine concern?",Anxiety +52274,"Severe anxiety I’ll be honest I don’t exactly know the point of this post other than I’m really really tired of living and feeling the way I am. From ages 8-15 my life was terrible. My family was broken apart and pitted against each other, there was verbal and mental abuse every day, seeking help wasnt an option and it was all made to seem like normal life. 6 years later I’m still dealing with it. I know my anxiety and depression originated from my childhood and I know I have realistically nothing to worry about but no matter what I tell myself, what I prove to myself, how hard I work or how happy I try to be it’s never enough for me. I have a good job that I am interested in but it has turned into a nightmare. Even though I’m good at it literally as soon as I get off on my way home I will start having anxiety about potential fuck ups I can make and the work I have to do tomorrow. I’ll stress about work at least 50 more times before I clock back in the next day. I mean even when I sit in my car for lunch I start getting anxious. I see my friends maybe once a month due to a lack of motivation or interest in seeing anybody. It takes a long youtube video and about 30 minutes just to tell my brain to STFU and sleep. I dwell on my fuck ups and I’m scared shitless of letting people down. I say yes to basically anything anyone asks me to do (I actually think I’m scared of what people will say or do if I say no). The anxious feeling of what if stops me from meeting new people, going to fun places with my friends and enjoying life. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore and I rarely get excited about things. I feel very emotionally numb to everything EXCEPT stress, fear, worry, and anger. My anxiety and depression was a main factor in my first and last failed relationship due to me being so numb to myself and my SO. I feel like I care about nothing. I don’t find pleasure or happiness in being around my friends, doing the things I love or anything fun. My biggest problem and the main reason I’m making this post is that I don’t talk to ANYONE about it. I absolutely hate having to talk about how I feel and what I’m thinking, even if it’s not about anxiety. All of my fear and worry starts and lives in my head and my head only. I actually get embarrassed having to talk about that shit. I’m just tired of feeling numb, I’m tired of not having fun, I’m tired of this emptiness and I’m tired of feeling and thinking so many things I don’t understand. But this has been my entire life. It’s not an on and off thing. It’s how I think and how I feel constantly and at this point it feels like normal life. Im scared that no amount of work, or therapy will fix it because I feel like I basically have to rewire my entire brain and lifestyle.",Anxiety +52275,How do you make eye contact with people? I really struggle with this in person and also at work on webcam. Whenever I look at peoples eyes it feels like a kind of burning then it just induces a horrible panic feeling too. I was once told in therapy to look over a person’s shoulder instead but people end up saying what are you looking at. I just feel so abnormal not being able to do this,Anxiety +52276,"nicotine making anxiety worse? just wondering if anyone else made this connection, and curious of others experiences.",Anxiety +52277,"My Workplace Makes Me Anxious So I’m not too sure if this is the correct place to post this or get advice, but I’d just like to hear what people have to say about it. + +I’ve been working at my engineering job for 4 years now. It’s a decent job with VERY good pay and decent hours that work for me. But for the same amount of time it has been the main source of my anxiety. It’s quite a tricky job with a lot of learning involved, and it’s taken me a long time to get to grips with. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the process and with some parts of the job I still feel anxious about what I’ll have to do or about making mistakes while doing those things. + +The main thing however is the environment, and one particular person in it. We’ll call him Bob (say hello Bob). He used to be my team leader, but stepped back from that role to become team engineer (still a somewhat ranked role in itself but more technical) and is one of the most experienced and gifted guys at the place, having been there for decades at this point. Let me preface by saying a good chunk of the time this guy is ok. + +However, Bob is VERY hotheaded and temperamental, and can be passive aggressive, will openly berate people for innocent mistakes and will make “jokes” about co-workers and their abilities/performance that often seem to have a hint too much opinion behind them (often to the point where you’re not sure when he’s joking and when he isn’t). He takes his job very very seriously, often to the point of some sort of corporate Stockholm syndrome devotion (that may be an exaggeration but you get what I mean). As an example, he’s gone off on one at me before for not working much overtime and he has commitment and that’s why he does loads (implying I don’t pull my weight by not working weekends etc). + +His whole demeanour makes me extremely uncomfortable and feel intimidated, because I don’t know when he’s gonna be in one of his bad moods or take issue with something. It’s been joked about before whether we’re gonna get Jekyll or Hyde today. + +About 2 months ago he openly berated (near shouting) in front of the whole team and my manager for misplacing a tool during an audit (which I understand is a bit negligent, but I did find it quickly afterwards), it was embarrassing and made me feel small, especially since that could’ve been handled in a far more professional manner. The other day, he made a comment about my rate of work, rhetorically asking “jokingly” why I can only do 1 of something while he can do a lot more in the same amount of time. Funnily enough he’s done that multiple times in the past and it never fails to make me feel heightened and worthless. I get that I’m a slow worker and not the most skilled, but he makes it out as if I’m lazy and not bothered about my job… I am very much the opposite. I just have less experience and work at a slower pace than most because I worry so much about getting things wrong. + +I just don’t find Bob very approachable and that makes it even more difficult because he’s our team engineer, which means sometimes I have to ask him questions. But it’s been very often that he’s responded to questions as if they’re stupid or something I should’ve known already. + +What doesn’t help is that for the longest time the team has enabled his behaviour, saying to me “don’t take it personally, it’s just the way he is”. Even recently when another team member was talking to me like crap and I spoke to my manager about it after finally having enough, I mentioned Bob and while he spoke to the other person and she hasn’t bothered me since, he said he wasn’t gonna talk to Bob at this time because it “requires a far more delicate approach”. From what I understand Bob has his own issues, one of them being bad anxiety but it seems like he’s dealing with it in very unhealthy ways. + +At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t feel like I can ask my manager to do something about it because of his Bob might react or what he might do. It’s not like the company would do anything anyway because he’s so good at his job and does a hell of a lot. I could move teams, where the work would be more challenging so I could be Maliki life harder for myself. But if I stay I have to stay in an environment that makes me constantly anxious and seriously affects my mental health, to the point where just leaving my job has crossed my mind in moments of madness. + +Any advice or ways to maybe cope with this would be really welcomed. + +TL;DR my job and a person there make me incredibly anxious, and I don’t know what to anymore.",Anxiety +52278,"Omg I hate it I have a job interview in 10 minutes and went to the hairdesser beforehand. She asked me if we should wash my hair and I declined bc I don‘t have enough money. So she asked me if I was sure. And instantly I felt bad about my hair, as I thought it was greasy. Now I‘m freaking the f out and I don‘t know how to calm myself. I hope the interviewer doesn‘t look at my hair obviously.",Anxiety +52279,"Driving Anxiety Hi everyone, I wanted to just put a note here to see if this is a common symptom people experience (even with medication). + +Ever since 2020, I developed severe anxiety that seemed to arise behind the wheel. It started with little things; I would hit a bump and would spend a little longer looking in the rear view mirror than I ordinarily would. + +Eventually, it escalated to the point where I would compulsively circle blocks or pull over just to make sure that these bumps and potholes were not pedestrians. And if I did circle a block, usually there would be OTHER potholes or bumps, which would lead to a mental downward spiral that drove me, quite literally, to insanity. It was one of these spirals that led to my first trip for psychiatric evaluation. + +After beginning medication, this generally subsided to a manageable level, and with CBT I was doing pretty good. Then, in December of 2022, my wife and I were stopped at a red light when us and two other vehicles were completely totalled by an F350 who rear ended us, travelling at roughly 80 KMh. He ran from the incident. Everyone was miraculously not seriously injured, but I’ve been set back to pre medication levels of anxiety while driving. + +This hyper-vigilance (I drive quite a bit) has now lead to significant physical illness for me. From stress, I’ve ground my molars to completely flat, and the tension within my body from being so, braced? I guess? And overly vigilant while driving, is really locking me up. I’ve gained a lot of weight, too. It’s lead to serious depression as I’ve built a life that requires me to have a limber body. + +Does anyone have any similar stories to share? Or even just some relevant encouragement… I’m really getting to the end of my rope lately because of this. + +Thank you beautiful humans, please drive safe and treat yourself gently.",Anxiety +52280,Chest pain feels like I’m dying It feels like I’m dying. My back hurts and my chest feels sore and heavy. I’m scared something bad is going to happen to my heart. I vaped a lot these past couple of years and I feel like it’s taking it’s toll. Everyone tells me it’s anxiety but I feel like my heart is damaged. It feels like I might die tonight.,Anxiety +52281,"For anyone struggling with fairly severe anxiety episodes - I highly recommend DBT distress tolerance skills. I recently started DBT after anxiety and depression became nearly unbearable for me, and the specific distress tolerance skills and suggestions (like hundreds of ideas about specific activities to do when feeling any kind of way) has been the most life changing thing I've learned. I know DBT is expensive and inaccessible to a lot of people, but [here is a link](https://static1.squarespace.com/static/577d2ce937c58194f7d39816/t/60c7e92fa3583448b8c6fa19/1623714139969/dbt_skills_training_handouts_and_worksheets_-_linehan_marsha_srg_.pdf) to the PDF my group uses. The distress tolerance section has a plethora of information and strategies to combat anxiety and low moods, and I highly suggest just taking a look in case anything jumps out at you. My personal favorite is the TIP acronym - cold temperatures like a cold shower or ice pack on your face, intense exercise for a brief period of time like jumping jacks for one minute, paced breathing or breath work (sometimes even fast paced breaths for thirty counts then holding as long as you can), all of which help trigger a system response that physically changes your state. Or very sour candy that distracts your brain for a second to snap out of it. Basically a bunch of tangible ideas to try out during a moment of panic. Just thought I'd share if anyone is looking for ideas. Love you all <3",Anxiety +52282,"Crippling medical anxiety So I haven’t been to see a doctor in about two years because I was insanely nervous about what they might find. I was hit by a car Sunday so I finally went to see a doctor today. While talking to the doctor I mentioned I get sharp pain right under my ribs often. She said it might be my gallbladder and ordered an ultrasound. Initially I didn’t think anything of it but now I’m up at midnight googling everything I can about gallbladder cancer and convincing myself I have it. I’m 24 and all of my blood tests came back in the normal range, both my age and the blood tests are good when it comes to gallbladder cancer. The only symptoms I have are the pain and slight persisting nausea. I don’t know why I can’t let this go. I would love advice from anyone else that has medical anxiety!",Anxiety +52283,"My anxiety has skyrocketed due to my parents I’m a trans guy and my parents found out recently. Ever since they will randomly bring it up to me, usually crying to me about how they feel like they’ve raised me wrong and how horrible they must be treating me for me to ‘decide to’ be a boy (obviously they’re transphobic). As you might expect, these conversations are very anxiety-inducing for me and have also negatively effected my mental health otherwise. However, one of the worst parts is that I no longer feel safe in the house or even in the car if my parents are driving, because they literally bring it up whenever they want as long as we’re alone. I’m just always so much more anxious than I already was with diagnosed anxiety and I have no idea what to do.",Anxiety +52284,"This works for a first post I guess Hi. You can call me ClarityHound. I've never posted on reddit before, and i've rarely posted anywhere else. I'm terrified of people, and the idea that someone, probably multiple strangers, are going to read the words I say is absolutely terrifying to me. + +But I'm lonely. + +It's not that I don't like people. I've had very close friendships with people throughout life, I've just never made the first move. I guess I'm posting this to change that and I thought this would be a good place to start. (also if i start playing factorio before doing this, im never gonna do it) + +&#x200B; + +Tl;Dr : Hi reddit, you terrify me, lets be friends + +edit: I forgot this isn't my first post, but it is the first one where im brutally honest about myself so eh",Anxiety +52285,does anyone know how to stop anxiety nausea? anxiety nausea is driving me crazy i cant even go to school without being sick i have to many absent days. does anyone know anything that helps?,Anxiety +52286,"My attendance in school is so bad It is around 68% and I'm trying to get better but today I have a speaking practice and German test and I'm just so anxious about it. The reason I don't go isn't because of the work itself, it's just the going out into college and being around people and the huge gaps between lessons",Anxiety +52287,"Does anyone else have an extremely sensitive gut due to anxiety? When my anxiety gets bad I get bowel discomfort. My digestion is poor, and I basically get what amounts to an IBS flare up. I had some anxiety for a couple of days this week and I have been in agony for about 4 days now, long after the anxiety subsided. Last night my gut hurt so bad I couldn't even sleep. + +I may actually have IBS and it may actually be tied to my anxiety, I don't know. Can anyone else relate to this?",Anxiety +52288,How do you deal with the anxiety of having a crush on someone or starting a new relationship I over think and catastrophisize everything so much. I end up ruining everything. Any tips? Or any experiences you guys want to share?,Anxiety +52289,"Do I deserve punishment for this mistake? Im 23f. When I was 17 I was one of the reasons a girl with anorexia was excluded from her friendship group. I feel immensely guilty and have since apologised to her, at the time it happened and a few years after. + +I am in therapy and my therapist tells me not to worry about it anymore, but I can’t help but feel I deserve punishment for what I did. Like, to lose a partner, not have a family, etc. I feel like it’s just for me to lose out on something because she got something taken away too. I definitely faced consequences - the teachers didn’t like me as much afterwards and I got excluded from a party as well. + +I keep punishing myself and wonder if there’s a karmic force out there that will punish me. Do I deserve punishment? Should I just let myself be happy? I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m not sure if this is my anxiety talking though. + +If there’s anyone with some advice or been through similar feelings I would appreciate any input :)",Anxiety +52290,"Panic Attack after yoga pose (almost slept) So I was doing the child pose and felt like I'm gonna instantly sleep. Right at that moment my heart kicked in, pounding, I felt so heavy, whole body was so heavy, then I did 3-4 cycles of box breathing and my heart was back to normal within 30 seconds. Still feel jittery and weak after. + +Can someone help explaining this please ?",Anxiety +52291,"intrusive thoughts about past mistakes I'm 23 and my anxiety started with health anxiety, and once I learnt how to deal with that it seems to have transformed into intrusive thoughts about past mistakes and how they could affect me now. + +As a child or teenager (ages 10-18) I was just a really attention seeking person. I said lots of provocative jokes because I wanted to be different from everyone, and sometimes I lied about myself or my family or other things. I still have close contact with some of the people who I was friends with when I was a person like that. They don't ever bring up anything I said in the past and I don't feel judged by them because of those things. + + But it doesn't change the fact that I really hate myself for acting like that. My brain keeps reminding me of all of those things that I spent years not remembering. I know that regretting it means I have grown and am not that person anymore, but I still feel so guilty and feel like I don't deserve to forgive myself or move on. I feel like I should punish myself by remembering those things and never be able to live like they didn't happen. I really hate to think that I'm going to have to live my life having those memories and knowing it was me and noone else who used to act like that. I want to just focus on the present but I feel like I don't deserve it. I can't even force myself to study because it feels like I don't deserve to be successful in the future. + +Does anyone have any advice regarding this? I spent the last 3 days beating myself up over something I said when I was 15... I just want to live without thinking about the past like I did before those intrusive thoughts were so intense",Anxiety +52292,"Does anyone else unconsciously tense up/clench your jaw/ mouth when stressed? Or have other symptoms along with your anxiety? For instance, I'll always catch myself doing it if I'm stressed over like, talking to or being around people, or waiting for a doctor's appointment or things like that. Does anyone else get that with their anxiety/stress? + + I've also noticed that when I'm stressed I'm noticeably more anxious and my body shaking and thoughts and feelings overall get worse. + + Anyone else experience these things? Haha this sounds stupid but I'm posting it anyways because I'm just curious hahaha, 🥲 + + + Edit: I also get some brain fog ( not remembering things somwtimes, doesn't happen all the time, maybe a few times a a week if im particularly stressed and or anxious about something important) as well, but I'm not sure if it's apart of my anxiety or if it could be something entirely different.",Anxiety +52293,,Anxiety +52294,"I've had three completely separate illnesses in quick succession. Could this be stress? First, I had a particularly bad flair-up of IBS (maybe a couple of weeks ago) - I haven't had pain from it quite that bad in a good while. Then I had a cold, which I thought was on its way out. The small of my back gets a pinched nerve every so often, and that flaired up pretty badly. And now I might be developing a chest infection from the cold that doesn't seem to want to shift. + +What's going on? Could it be stress that's causing all of this?",Anxiety +52295,"I need help to stop my health anxiety I struggle from extreme health anxiety and it has exponentially gotten worse. A few days ago I discovered two big red dots on my neck and fully convinced myself that I was bitten by a rabid bat either during the daylight or while I was asleep. I had a full mental breakdown, searched my room for bats, and had an anxiety attack. I went to see a NP and a PA and both told me that it is not a bat bite. I have not seen any bats near me and while the doctors told me to calm down, I simply cannot. Today my throat started hurting but I genuinely cannot tell if I am only imagining that. It is impacting my life so much and I don't know how to stop being so anxious. It has been so hard on me, and my friends who I am driving crazy. Please be kind and maybe you can help talk me out of my frantic rabid state haha.",Anxiety +52296,"Looking for an alternative to SSRIs. I’ve not had a brilliant experience with SSRIs and I’m looking into SNRIs or alternatives for GAD. I’m not sure whether I wanna go back to meds or not, but I feel untethered without anything. Thoughts?",Anxiety +52297,"Dentist Anxiety Hi I managed to get through my appointment today, but they told me I have to come back for 4 fillings and a root canal and now I'm petrified. + +Does anyone have any idea what I can do to relax before and during my appointment and also if anyone can explain what happens during these procedures I'd be really grateful. + +Also, I'm 17 so anyone have any guidance on how to tell my parents I have bad teeth?? As they expect to be perfect but due to other mental health issues I haven't been taking care of them hence my cavities + +Also, how do you know to trust a dentist? Is it normal for them to look in your mouth for like a minute and tell you what needs to happen? + +They didn't take xrays btw. + + +TIA",Anxiety +52298,"Anger/irritability I have chronic anxiety. I don't want to take my pills everyday, as my family has addiction issues at every twist and turn. But I'm a mom, I have an almost 5 year old and my husband is military so he's gone sometimes. When he's gone my son likes to act up, doesn't want to listen at all. I'm working on it with him, I'm trying to be productive. My anxiety poses a pretty big difficulty as it turns into pretty bad irritability and aggression when I'm dealing with frustrating situations. The only way I've found to help (which it actually doesnt) is to take on a bland monotonous tone. I'm struggling to find other ways to communicate with him so that we're both calm and hopefully things can get resolved peacefully. I just feel so bad when it ends up being too much and I snap at him.",Anxiety +52299,"Anyone’s anxiety/depression get worse when you are sick??? I got this weird virus it’s not the flu or covid but right before I got sick I got so panicky for a few days and then once I got sick my panic got 10x worse. I’ve been sick for a week now and since I’ve been so sick I’ve been sad because I wanna get better so I’m having some negative/sad thoughts it sucks because this didn’t happen till I got sick + +I also read that having a virus lowers dopamine and seratonin so that could be what I’m experiencing",Anxiety +52300,"Why can't I stop thinking about death Every time I find myself having fun or being in love with someone, I can't help but think about how one day they'll die. It robs me of all joy.",Anxiety +52301,"Walking in a crowded room Anyone feel super awkward simply walking into a crowded room? Or even just lightly populated? + +Awkward like: where do I look? Am I walking normal? Are people looking at me (not in a narcissistic way, but a low self confidence way)? + +I’ve had this issue my entire life. This could be as simple as being at a somewhat crowded gym, completing a set in a designated area, and walking across the room to grab paper and sanitizer spray to wipe down my station. Or walking past a parked car with people in it. + +Is this a different level if anxiety or are there others out there who experience this?",Anxiety +52302,"Anyone get constant goosebumps from anxiety? Hey so this is a pretty weird situation I'm in, but I've only just realized that my recently turned severe anxiety could possibly have a connection to me getting goosebumps all the time. First, I get a bad full body chill from high stress and boom, my skin is goosebumpified for the entire day. It's just a weird symptom that I wonder anyone else had.",Anxiety +52303,"I believe Someone really has put a curse on me this year. I wish these past few months were all a joke. Life really said, “Oh, let’s make all these bad things happen to her and see her suffer, yay!” Bonus points because Life made my hereditary anxiety pop out at full force to. + +It first started when my dog started to act not normal. Her head would keep tilting every which way like she was drunk and eventually kept looking at the ceiling. It got so bad to the point where she couldn’t walk or wouldn’t eat anymore. It got worse during the weekend and we don’t have an emergency vet near us so we had to call an on call vet from our clinic to come and look at her. He didn’t really say much about her, just figured that it was neurological. My mom planned to bring her back to her regular vet on Monday so they could further help her. She kept having seizures throughout the day as well and had labored breathing. My mom laid with her on the couch at night and watched the clock, waiting for 7 am to arrive. My dog didn’t make it through the night. She died at 3 in the morning. + +I woke up that morning to my mom and dad telling me that she passed away. I got up out of my bed and quickly walked to the living room because I wanted to be with her. She died laying in her little bed that she loved. My family came and sat around her, crying and telling her that we love her. I didn’t want it to be real. I wanted to say, “Mom, dad, she’s just sleeping she’ll wake up and start barking any minute.” But reality came back and that’s when I knew, this is really happening. + +I went to school the next day. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to stay in my bed all day and sleep. I was so tired. I couldn’t even pay attention to what the professor was saying because I felt numb and detached from reality. After I got out of class I started feeling like I couldn’t breathe. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest hurt bad too. I started to take my anxiety pills again after that. + +I never had anxiety this bad before. I realized it’s not like a cold that you can shake off. It sticks with you everywhere you go for a long time. I started off getting shortness of breath and chest pain. Then it turned into feeling like my skin and heart were on fire and panic attacks that would jolt me awake at night and keep me up until 6 am. It did get better with time once I learned how to manage it. + +A few weeks later I was sending out reminders to my bridesmaids that dress shopping was coming up. I had reminded them months before because I wanted to make sure everyone could be there. I hadn’t heard from one of my bridesmaids in about a month so I reached out to her to see if she was doing ok. She hadn’t given me a response. The next day I asked if she was still coming, no response. On Saturday, we arrived to the boutique to pick out bridesmaid dresses. She didn’t text or call and didn’t show either. She finally texted me the day after telling me she was backing out of being a bridesmaid. I was fine with that but wish she had communicated with me better. + +A few days after that I found a couple of black scuff marks on my car. There’s a little crack by the marks to. Turns out somebody side swiped my car and I didn’t even see it until now. I figured I probably got hit in the college parking lot while I was in class so I called college security and had to meet up with an officer to give them specific time frames to look at in their security camera footage. I’m so sick of people hitting my car. I think my car has gotten hit about 5 times now. I got so anxious about telling my dad. + +I hope Life gives me a break after this. I desperately need one.",Anxiety +52304,The sad truth is . If i dont text people first ill never hear from them again It happens every single time. People tell me that they care about me and they’re my friend and yet my phone is so dry and this is not an exageration. I can feel myself dying from the loneliness,Anxiety +52305,"Fear of changing job and bettering myself So I've worked crappy dead end jobs for the past 10 years, and I'm just sick of this life. I'm sick of getting bitched at by customers while making very low money. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to finally find a job that pays well and that doesn't make me want to die by the end of the week. + +I've been apply to pretty much anything at this point and I was finally able to get an interview for a supply chain job. Its entry lvl and the pay is low, but its way higher than what I make atm so I want it. + +The only problem is that since I've never had a ""real"" or difficult job, I'm scared that I won't be able to land it, and if I do somehow land it, I'm worried that I'll end up messing up and getting fired. + +How do I get rid of this fear? My interview is on Friday and I'm panicking hard right now.",Anxiety +52306,Meditation can alter your whole life Do you have the will and discipline to treat it as important as it is?,Anxiety +52307,Can my anxiety present as a constant feeling of butterflies or adrenaline in my stomach? I am really struggling right now and to make matters worse I am out of town for work. For about the last 5 or 6 hours I have had this sensation of butterflies in my stomach and an uneasy feeling that I cannot kick. I’ve had anxiety issues for 20 years and my recent physical and blood tests say I am healthy but I am worried this is something worse than anxiety. I cannot figure out anything to do to get rid of this feeling and it is awful. Tempted to go to the ER but that usually results in several hours of more motoring and being told anxiety. Unfortunately I do not have any medication like Xanax so I am feeling really lost and scared. Does anyone else have anxiety present like this and for such a long period of time?,Anxiety +52308,Who else has a nervous stomach and closed throat right now? Meeeeee🙋🏽‍♂️,Anxiety +52309,"Almost first public panic attack Was standing in a room full of people for a work presentation. I was at the front and wasn't the focus but could be seen by many. I was bored so my mind was just humming along. Then intrusive thoughts came, then a worse one. Then i was thinking i need to leave, then I knew i can't, i can't leave i can't have space i am stuck, i need to run, then the room started kinda spinning and i got light headed. I grabbed a chair and sat down, nobody really cared but if i had not found a chair i don't think i could have lasted without making a scene or passing out. + +I guess this is about intrusive thoughts spiraling out of control. + +I didn't get a good nights sleep last night maybe that could have happened.",Anxiety +52310,"Im so confused about my anxiety Im 18 and i used to always have rlly bad episodes where I felt like I was physically sick I couldn’t sleep breath or my heart didn’t work properly. I started medication about a year ago and for the most part like everything basicallt stopped since I never was like a thinking anxiety much type of person. But now idk I feel like I lost so much of myself due to not having anxiety in a way idk how to describe it. Besides from my emotions not being so severe which is good but also not what I’m used to. As well as my grades are doing so bad and I have a constant thought of the world not being real. I literally have no modivation about school and I’m doing so bad to my standards of what I’m used to. I’m not sad but I’m not happy either, and things do not excite me as much I guess. I also feel like I never had anxiety despite being diagnosed by 3 different people. I feel like I have so much to say and I think so much about life and different things but I don’t at the same time. It’s really confusing for me and I just wanted go share somewhere",Anxiety +52311,"Is my (30s F) anxiety screwing with me or am I correctly interpreting that this woman (30s F) is not interested in being friends with me? I'm (30s F) feeling hurt by this interaction with a friend of a friend (also 30s F) who I thought might want to be friends with me (but evidently doesn't) and need help processing it/some feedback on it. On top of my social anxiety, I have other anxiety disorders, depression and am possibly on the spectrum so socializing is extra extra hard for me and I really am lacking in friends. + +Here's the situation: + +**July 2019:** Was at a friend's wedding out of state and met one of her other friends who lives in my state, about 30-40 min away from me. We hit it off and she said she's always looking for new friends and it would be cool to grab dinner sometime. + +**Dec 2019:** I never hear from her and reach out to find out about dinner and we schedule something, but end up canceling because she has a family emergency. + +**Feb 2020:** I check in about how she's doing, if she still wants to do dinner, and we schedule a dinner. Our mutual friend happens to be in town so it ends up the three of us at dinner together. + +**July 2020**: Pandemic is happening. She includes me on an email invite to her bday party at her house. I don't feel comfortable going so decline. + +**June 2021**: I am feeling lonely and reach out to find out how she's doing and if she'd like to go to this outdoor concert with me. She ends up not being able to make it that day, but says we should one day meet up for dinner and I agree. I remind her we had talked about some greek place that time we went out and she says ""yeah, let's do dinner soon."" + +**September 2021**: Never heard from her about dinner and reach out again. She says her next two months of weekends are booked with fall activities with friends. She mentions a few she's doing that I could join. I tell her I'd be interested in this farm visit she's doing. She tells me it'll probably be some weekend in Oct, but she'll let me know the details once it gets closer and she and her friends decide the exact day. I never hear anything. + +**March 2023 (Now):** Get a random text from her asking how I'm doing. I get excited thinking she's interested in reconnecting. I'm feeling extra depressed and lonely and friendless as more friends have moved away/lost touch. She asks if I still live where I used to and if I still work remote. Yes and yes. I ask how she's doing, but she's vague only telling me she saw another friend of our mutual friend recently and that she still lives in the same town. Then, she says the reason she is reaching out to me is because she has a friend who is single and she thought of me. She sends me all his details and asks if I was interested. + +Man, did I get so depressed! I thought she had been interested in reconnecting because she was interested in a friendship with me and regrets we never ended up hanging out again. I kept expecting her to suggest we meet up or something, but it turns out she is only interested in me for a potential date for her friend. I feel hurt that here's someone I wanted to be friends with who I (for the hundredth time) thought might want to be friends with me and I again feel rejected. + +I know I could ONCE AGAIN ask if this woman wants to grab dinner (for the 1000th time), but I feel ridiculous at this point and like a loser. She clearly is not interested in hanging out with me or I wouldn't have had to be the one to reach out to her every time AND she would have followed up on those details about the farm visit back in 2021 that she did go on. + +What do you all make of all of this? + +tl;dr: Heard from someone who I had been previously trying to befriend for the first time in nearly 2 years. Thought she was interested in the friendship, but really reached for another reason. Made multiple attempts in the past to hang out with no result and feel like a loser trying again. Can't tell if she really is disinterested in friendship or if my anxiety etc is skewing things.",Anxiety +52312,,Anxiety +52313,"I'm hesitant to get a diagnosis So, I've reached the point when I amassed enough courage to ask for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I've done therapy for about 5 years and never was brave enough to ask my therapist if I had either anxiety or depression. But 5 months ago I started with chronic tensional headaches - finished college and found two jobs, ended up very stressed, which I controlled after a neurologist prescribed me pregabalin. However, I've been struggling with other somatic symptoms that lead me to say, okay you waited too much, it's time to do it. Even though I hate the idea of being that self-diagnose person, I've been doing a lot of reflection and truly believe I have several symptoms of anxiety, perhaps social or general anxiety. + +I will be seeing this doc (who was very recommended to me), and I fear judgment but much much more fear is if I get prescribed meds that mess me up worse. I know she's an outstanding professional, she has appropiately medicated my bf's niece for anxiety, and honestly doubt I'd need something ""strong"" but I'm so scared of start taking meds, I fear there's no turning back from it. I fear it changes me so badly that I have bad moments at my job in front of everyone, like crying or a panic attack, or that I make an embarrassment. I don't want to lose my job since it (there are two but the full time one) has helped me to get out of my lifeless and procrastination days. + +Haven't seen my therapist lately since she had a temporary license and now I'm also unsure if I should come back because she never made me a diagnosis. My general doctor told me to come back to therapy asap. + +Sorry for the long post - I'd like to know if someone relates to this or your experiences, but mostly if you know about meds and if I'm just panicking too much or maybe I just need to know this before meeting the psychiatrist.",Anxiety +52314,"anxiety around smelling bad it's been 3 days but i have been super paranoid about this. + +my friend and i were hanging out and i don't remember how it was necessarily brought up but she said ""i know a girl who is very pretty but she doesn't shower"" and then asked ""do you think she knows"" after i told her idk it depends cause for some people they do and others they don't then she asked ""btw how often do you shower?"" + +i've beeb freaking out ever since then that she was throwing a hint that i don't stink but i have asked two people i trust that same day if i stink and they said no but what she said was too odd and random for it to not be a hint although she did ask me for a hug before leaving after the whole thing happened so maybe it wasn't about me? + +i have always had anxiety surrounding this issue because growing up i couldn't afford to shower everyday like i do now so i feel like she accidentally (?) triggered me i genuinely can't tell if she was throwing a hint or what",Anxiety +52315,"Anxiety and heart problems Hi everyone, I was posting to see if anyone else suffered from anxiety and has heart issues going on as well. I have severe anxiety and I’m definitely a hypochondriac so I started taking Zoloft 3 months ago to help. However, for 2 years I have dealt with heart problems. My heart rate gets super high to the 170s at rest, I get dizzy, chest pain, and I have a low-ish blood pressure on top of that. I also noticed a couple months ago this feeling I get where I feel like my heart skips a beat and my breath gets taken away which I discovered was me having PVCs. I have done numerous EKGs which have been abnormal but my one cardiologist told me I’m a 26 year old otherwise healthy person so it’s fine. I did an echo and stress test 2 days ago so I’m awaiting those results. One of my previous cardiologists told me he believes this all stems from stress and anxiety and once I manage that it will go away, which I agree with to an extent. I had another cardiologist tell me that even if I’m stressed out having a heart rate sustain in the 170s is abnormal. I am also a nurse so I can’t tell if me having an understanding of medical stuff makes it more difficult for me to handle because I’m constantly thinking worst case scenario. I have this overwhelming fear that I’m going to be one of those people in their 20s that has a heart attack or other complication. I’ve seen people post on here previously saying their heart rate goes super high when they’re anxious but I wasn’t sure if anyone had similar experiences as me or knows anything about this. I’m sure I am overthinking this but I also don’t like the fact that I constantly have chest pain and a high heart rate.",Anxiety +52316,"this feeling of doom/dread comes over me at random times does anybody else experience this??? like i feel my life is going ok rn and then I get hit with dread, then I look for answers as to why and I end up thinking zombies climate world ending stuff and not sure how to cope with it. these dread feelings happen a lot at night too but when the dread feeling hits my mind wonders to all the bad and I was wondering if anybody else gets this as I have been struggling and I want to know im not alone.",Anxiety +52317,"My Job Is Depressing Me I need help/insight + +I started my first this job September of my last semester of college, and I was excited to have such a great opportunity. + +From day one, I have felt very little direction at the job. I had one day of training on one of the four projects I was to oversee. The previous person in the position had left already and I was trained by someone filling in for the moment. The training I got doesn’t even scratch the surface of all that I have to do. There’s so many things don’t know how to do or didn’t know I was supposed to do. I’ve read through my manual for help and there’s not enough information. + +It seems me asking for help from my colleagues is unwanted, and something is not clear between me and my bosses. It’s like the expect me to know things I was never shown. I’ve only been trying to learn the system for 7 months (which I do understand better now). + +I feel trapped and punished. I don’t reach out, then will always be lost. I reach out and it’s a surprise. + +This my first “legitimate job” and I can’t tell whether or not I’m not good enough or if I was put in a bad situation. I want to like my job, but I honestly really dislike it due to never knowing completely what I’m doing. I have no help…and I’m on edge everyday thinking about my job.",Anxiety +52318,"How to stay calm when my whole body goes numb? Hey guys, + +so one of my anxiety symptoms that sometimes happens is that large parts of my body just go completely numb, mostly my arms, legs, chest, neck and face. + +Right now it's happening again and even though i know that it's most likely just my anxiety, my brain knows that numb = nerve problem, and that's what i can't get out of my head :/ + +I am so worried that one day i actually do have something with my nerves, but i ignore it thinking it's just anxiety and then i stay permanently numb because i didn't go see a doctor.... + +And what if one day i have a stroke and just try to ignore it because ""oooh anxiety"" + +How am i supposed to know the difference between my brain tricking me and an actual emergency?? + +I'm trying to calm down, but i keep touching my numb parts to feel if they are still numb :(",Anxiety +52319,"Experiencing pains and Have bloodshot eyes. Could this be serious? Im 22ftm and ive been having a stressful time few months especially in the last few weeks. I've been to the hospital already 2 days ago becaude i had a horrible panic attack, had an XRAY, EKG, blood work, tests for heart failure. Every single one came back fine/normal/healthy. While that releived me the pains have gotten worse. My muscles are aching heavily in my shoulders/upper arm, my upper back, chest and stabbing pains in my heart. I do wanna add I have started ashwagandha maybe could be a negative reaction to that and the eyes could be the stress from the anxiety attacks I've been having? Jus wanna know if others get bloodshot eyes like this too? Id post a picture but i dont qnana givr anyone the ick. It isnt HORRIBLE jus a bunch of bloodvessels. Going to the doctor again tomorrow.",Anxiety +52320,"can’t sleep cause my whole body is numb i feel so uncomfortable idk if it’s numbness or dpdr but it’s scary, i upped my lexapro a week a go so it might be that but idk help",Anxiety +52321,"Anxiety with OCD My first time posting here, and I just needed some place to vent. I've been on sertraline since I was 11 (28 now.) My anxiety ties into my OCD ( I tend to wash my hands a lot, double or triple check if something is where it needs to be. I also have health concerns for example; + +I bought a posture strap/ helper. I was adjusting it and peeling the velcro back. Something splinter like jammed into my finger. I'm assuming it's part of the velcro as it's really strong. My anxiety and OCD has been going wild since then. (Heck, I even put anti-bacterial ointment and a bandaid on it after washing it! I'm returning the product and emailed costumer service.) + +This condition can be so tiring. I joke with people that I feel like a hostage negotiator, while also being the hostage taker and hostage. (OR the Spiderman meme.) I just needed to vent and put things into words on how my mind is doing.",Anxiety +52322,"Surgery on nose Anyone with anxiety around surgery have nose surgery. My main way of calming myself is 4-7-8 breathing or 4-box breathing and am a little nervous that my nose will be all blocked up. Guess I better start my mouth breathing. + +Also get anxious when on pain killers like I am out of control. I can’t relax and get anxious that the fatigue will cause me to pass out “I have the freeze response”. My wife tried to remind me the pain killers are there to help and to let my body just handle it. + +Plus I hate the anesthesia part when they cover your mouth in the waiting room. Not that I’ll die, just feels unnatural like a forced nap. My wife just reminds me that she would rather be asleep during the surgery, just wish I could really take that mindset.",Anxiety +52323,"Finally taking control of my Mental Health, rather than letting it control me. The string snapped, the tiredness, anxiety and depression became too much so I decided to press pause and take some time out to recharge. I have taken sick leave from my job that exacerbated my anxiety, I'm going to start on anxiety medication again, I'm in counselling and I'm going to look at starting CBT. + +Enough is enough. It's time to get my life to how I want it to be,I'm not being held hostage by my anxiety any longer.",Anxiety +52324,"I find it so frustrating as a highly anxious and depressed person to do career tests because they rely on your passion for specific activities and I find myself answering ""I dislike it very much"" to the various questions (e.g,. working in construction, healthcare, finance, whatever). I've been trying to get back to work again because it seems my severe depression and anxiety won't go away and there is only so much medication and therapy can help me. Of course, I haven't tried every kind of therapy but what had been offered to me at low cost. But I've tried many medications. + +Anyhow, I feel very frustrated because after trying couple of online part time jobs (like writing marketing stuff on websites) and finding myself not motivated enough to work sufficient hours to make ends meet, I'm trying to start from zero again and do some career tests to find what motivates me. But those tests don't offer some magical information but just rely on what you're passionate about. Like they give you 50 questions and ask you how much you like doing different activities, like installing cabinets, diagnosing disease in people, giving financial advice to someone wanting to get a loan, helping a disabled person get dressed, playing a musical instrument in front of an audience, taking care of sick animals, etc etc etc. + +I hate them ALL! None of these activities excite me. Because having a job is always about what others expect of you. But mental illness sucks so much of your energy that there is so little left for the job. + +Like if I'm a cashier, my high anxiety and depression and the various thoughts and emotions and physical symptoms I experience will take so much of my energy to control and nothing left to put on a smile and make a customer feel welcome and at the same time do my job of scanning items very quickly and correctly. + +That's why I've been trying to find jobs that are just online and things I can do on my own time, so that whenever the damned mental health issues give me a break then I can do the job. The problem is there are too many people doing these jobs and they pay so little that I've had to start looking at other options. + +Damn it, I don't know what I want to hear from you, to be honest, I mean I already am so filled with self-hatred and hatred for the world, I am working myself into anger just writing about it.",Anxiety +52325,"Driving suggestions/tips that helped me I hate driving to new places, and this has helped me tons: + +1. Pre-research the address: if the time is flexible, what times are the least busy (google maps is a good one to check). Is the destination open (check the website ahead of time). +2. Use Street View to check out the entire route. +3. Get your nav app all ready. I’ve found that Apple Maps (if you have this) is amazing because it will say things like don’t make right after this stoplight. Make a right at the next one. The destination is in the right, pull into the next driveway on your left, etc. +4. Leave with plenty of time to spare. Assume you will make a few wrong turns. Give yourself extra time to lose your way. +5. Research parking ahead of time. Use apps like Parking Hero. Use the city’s websites to find out the capacity of municipal parking ramps, if available. Scope out street parking with Google Street View, too. +6. Find alternatives to parallel parking. You can also park near driveways, so you can’t get parked in (easy pull in/out). +7. Dress comfortably so that if you get stressed, you won’t get super sweaty. +8. Make sure you have enough gas +9. Adjust your mirrors, clean windows, headlights for visibility, ahead of time +10. Listen to calming music/driving playlist +11. Get toll money/EZ pass ready ahead of time",Anxiety +52326,"Would all this be caused by anxiety? Hello everyone I'm a 20 year old Caucasian male. 5""9 155lbs. I don't smoke, i don't drink alcohol nor use any drugs. + +So it's been almost 1.5 years that I've developed some strange symptoms, that have really deteriorated my life. + +They basically started after i caught covid (i was vaccined prior with the j&j vaccine). Since then, i get heart pains all the time. They happen multiple times a day and usually last a few minutes before they go away. I've been to 2 different cardiologists who ran an EKG and echo and said that everything was fine. I also had a 48 hour Holter monitor that showed some pvc's (200/a day),but docs weren't concerned at all. + +Also after covid my WBC are basically running around the 11-13k range (before that CBC's would come back fine). They were fine before i got infected, but it's been almost 1.5 year that they won't go down. My lymphocytes are also high (45-50) and neutrophils low 35-40). Everything else comes back completely fine. I went to a hematologist and he run some tests for malignancies(leukemia) but they came back negative. + +One of the worst symptoms also is the spasms I've been getting all over my body. They can happen literally anywhere and they always last a few seconds before they go away. I've searched a lot about them and i guess it's most likely BFS (benign fasciculation syndrome). But it never stops. I think my nerve system has been permanently damaged. + +Lastly i get random aches in my stomach and usually at the upper left abdominal region. I've had an abdominal echo and it was fine. But i get random shooting pains along with painful gasses. These are the symptoms I've been dealing with the past 1.5 year. They're all so random and I can't connect them somehow. High WBC usually mean infection, so I'm guessing that an autoimmune disease might have been triggered? + +I've also found a lump in my arm. It's been there for 1.5 year as well, i showed it to my gp and he said that it's a lipoma, but it's still there. It hasn't grown but it hurts sometimes. Things like sarcoma drive my mind crazy. It feels like my body is constantly trying to kill me. + +The whole thing is causing me so much anxiety and stress. I thought that things would get better with time, but no, nothing has changed and it's been so long. I'm only 20 years old and I'm afraid that I'm gonna drop dead by a heart attack or cancer. I used to be an athlete but i stopped after all these, because i became afraid. I honestly can't live like this anymore. I've visited more than 5 doctors and nobody has a clue. Any ideas?",Anxiety +52327,"I hate that doctors don't like prescribing Benzos I have Tinnitus and the only thing that puts me to sleep is Ativan .5 mg. I know people who've been on a low dose Klonopin for years and nothing happened to them. I hate SRRIs because they give you insomnia. It's frustrating that all they wanna give you is a bunch of off label medications that have more side effects than benefits. Everyone keeps saying 'yoga, melatonin, ba bla bla..'. They wanted me to take Gabapentin which is used for people with seizures.",Anxiety +52328,"Weird breathlessness problems lately. Hello ,recently I've been having alot of anxiety problems because of what started to be a discomfort in the chest which now evolved to breathlessness after working out and while stationary. + +Tests that I have done and that came back normal : Adrenaline Heart test , Echocardiagram, Blood test (D-dimer included) , Chest X-Ray and soon i'm getting a 24 hour EKG. I've also tested my lung capacity by blowing into a tube. But nothing came back abnormal. + +I don't know if I should get any other tests but it is worth noting that I suspect I got covid-19 and apparently some people experience these problems aswell. + +&#x200B; + +Any advice?",Anxiety +52329,"Dating I (21M) haven’t dated since high school. There’s a girl (23F) I work with that is stunning. The best smile, the whole 9. And I want to ask her on a date but I feel like a kid again with this overwhelming anxiety and anxiousness that I’ll get rejected 1) because she’s gotten burnt twice by previous coworkers and 2) I don’t have much self confidence. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep in like 3 days hence why I’m up at midnight when I need to be at work for 3. Wish me luck.",Anxiety +52330,"Heart rate Ever since I had chest pain I have had many panic attacks. Does anyone else have their heart rate go up to like 180-190 range? My chest pain is gone now but when I have a panic attack, only thing that happens is my heart rate increases... please help. I'm 23",Anxiety +52331,,Anxiety +52332,"i had a very concerning dream and it’s causing me to panic. im 19 f. i have ocd, depression and GAD. (figuring out if i have bipolar) + +i just had a dream where i was running away from cops, led this guy which was way older than me to have sexwith his own children and i even had sex with him but he stopped midway and refused. then i led him to have sex with other children and i was going to set a trap where he could get arrested. i think i set a trap to the other times i had lead him to have sex with his children…….. but i’m not too sure if i did do the arrest part, i just have glimpses of him running from police and me thinking about trapping him for police to get him. + +the thing is, i woke up sexually turned on. but at the same time, i am scared and guilty. i am anxious because why did i wake up sexually turned on with a dream that had children in it, violence and me forcing a guy to have sex with me???? and watching and leading him to have sex with children.. + +i am panicking. i am absolutely panicking. + +i have had issues with POCD. i don’t longer have that bad of a issue with it because i recognize my ocd and how it can play in different themes. + +this makes me feel like i’m some hidden monster. why the fuck did i wake up turned on with that disgusting dream. i feel the worst amount of guilt.why did i do that in a dream? i never had a dream like this. it’s terrifying me. + +this makes it more real to me and messing with my ocd, WHY did i do these things in a dream, i know it’s a dream but i swear iv never been like that in a dream. and since i believe in signs and what if i’m actually some p3do??????? it makes me think about suicide straight away. someone help me.",Anxiety +52333,"Too Anxious to get a formal diagnosis and medication I've struggled with intense feelings of anxiety for years and years now. I hesitate to say that I have an Anxiety Disorder because I've never been diagnosed, but it affects my life so much that I can't be normal. I can't drive because I get too scared, I'm always terrified when I'm being driven around because I feel like we'll get into an accident or the police will pull us over, and I can't even call my family because phone calls scare me so much. I feel like I'm constantly living in fear, and I know that I want a diagnosis to help me know for a fact that this is what it is, and I really think that medication will help me. But I'm too scared to do it. I overthink about making appointments and if I have to call a doctor to make it, it's an absolute no-go. I don't know how I'm supposed to get help if I can't even take the first steps. I'm currently in therapy, which is amazing that I could even do it, and it's the first therapist that I've ever seen that I feel actually vibes with me, but I'm too scared to ask to try and get diagnosed. + + +Does anyone else struggle with this? And did anyone surpass this and end up getting the help they needed?",Anxiety +52334,"How do I stop overthinking and seeing for people for what I want them to be instead of what they are. I am afraid to make new friends because as soon as I meet someone new, I start imagining how our friendship/relationship will be like. I start planning where we will hangout, the conversations we will have, and how they would be like. I start getting excited over the fantasy of them that I created in my head and my brain makes me feel like I know them and that we’re already friends even though we just met. I then get disappointed when they don’t live up to the image that I had for them; and start panicking because I’m like “wait so now where never gonna be able to go to the beach like I planned” or “they take too long to text back, they probably don’t like me and I’m annoying and I scared them away.” I throw away all my self worth just for the opportunity to live the fantasy I created. Like this guy I like did not answer me for a whole day and I assumed he dislikes me and got upset; he texted me eventually after a day and I knew I should not answer quick because for me he was a priority (he shouldn’t be we just met but my brains makes me thing I’m closer to people than it seems). I ended up answering in like 5 minutes knowing I should not have because he did not answer me for a day but I did it anyways because I really wanted to hangout with him and “live out the fantasy in my head of us hanging out and getting to know each other. How do I stop please I need help because this is exhausting and overwhelming and I am annoying and scared that I’ll scared people away.",Anxiety +52335,"my throat..my throat please id appreciate any help.. LIKE ANY .. i have been to more than 4 ENT doctors and im fuming rn.. + +so it all started in december 2022 when i had a full blown panic attack that was then followed by an intense fear of d3ath and 30+ physical symptoms that didn't turn out to be terminal illnesses like i expected.. all of these weird symptoms subsided except for my sore/mucusy throat thats followed by a burning feeling sometimes..my throat feels so tight most of the time, makes a growling noise, is full of mucus and i tend to cough.. + +here are the things doctors have told me: + +1- first doctor told me its nothing but a simple sore throat and i was prescribed hot drinks and over the counter flu meds (result: nothing) + +2- told me i have GERD/acid reflux and i was prescribed Gaviscon and a few other meds related to this matter (result: felt a lil better but not that better) + +3- third doctor did a culture test on my throat and figured i have streptococcus bacteria residing and chillin in my throat , i was perscribed KLACID 500MG for 10 days and i felt somewhat better but then my throat got bad again + +4- fourth and final doctor said its a simple sore throat and prescribed me hot drinks as well.. + +...what to do fr am i dying?",Anxiety +52336,"My social anxiety has been getting worse For a while I thought I was okay. For a while, I didn't feel socially anxious. + +I don't know what went wrong, but the thought of social interaction or going out into public spaces scares the hell out of me. For a while I never went grocery shopping because I just didn't want to deal with people. I don't want to talk to my classmates at all. I would feel more better about hiding and not having to deal with anyone. + +One of the most recent issues that's sending me into a spiral is that I need to do a task that involves leadership and giving directions. But it's difficult for me to communicate. It's as if the words are all sprawled out in my head and whenever I make an attempt at talking, it just comes across as disorganized and incoherent. I'm not a leader. I can't direct. I'd rather follow than lead. + +Today was especially horrible because I'm generally a well organized person who has it together, but my classmate ended up seeing how much of a mess I am. After something fell out of my plan, I got flustered, shut down entirely. It's so embarrassing, and now I want to hide from everyone. I don't know how to recover from something like that, or show that I'm better than my anxiety.",Anxiety +52337,"Please help, someone I severely messed up my mind smoking heavy pot at a young age 12-13 even though it always bugged me out. Fast forward I’m 27 with no job, I still live with my parents and I can’t problem solve or hold a conversation with anyone. + +All my friends are on the up and getting married while I’m here alone with severe anxiety. I want to end it but don’t know how to. Im 6 months sober and know I have permanently damaged my brain. Please help",Anxiety +52338,"Is this okay for a therapist to do? When I was talking to her about my difficult/manipulative relationship with my dad and how he suddenly started ignoring me over the smallest thing she asked me how I felt about it, when I said that I was feeling angry then she asked me “what else?” I said “maybe also disgust of him” then she again said “what else?” i got stuck for words because well that’s it? i’m not sure that i feel anything else, but she was waiting for the answer and I answered something like “confusion” then she again asked me the same question and I told her “that’s all”. and this is the part I’m not sure about: she then said “i think you also feel sadness, tell me do you want to cut contacts with him?” I told her that probably yes, i’m ready for this and determined to do it. but she implied that this is not what I want and told me to think about it and tell her on the next session. since then i feel really uncomfortable with her and i’m thinking about leaving therapy. i don’t know maybe i just overthink and it’s not what it’s actually like?",Anxiety +52339,"SSRIs? i have been struggling with health anxiety and general spiraling lately, along with a host of other mental health issues. my psychiatrist recommended i try getting back on an antidepressant as they can sometimes help with anxiety (and my healthy dose of depression needs to be managed). we are thinking of prozac since i responded well to it when i was younger. + +anybody on here who responded well to SSRIs specifically in terms of their health/general anxiety? prozac in particular? would love to hear some success stories because tbh i am very anxious about starting but am desperate for relief.",Anxiety +52340,"Bringing reusable bags to the grocery store feels so off There is nothing worse than when you get to self checkout and there are literally no bags. They’ve started doing this at chains around me long ago and I still miss plastic bags! + +Bringing reusable bags feels like putting a target on my back😅 not quite literally but I feel like I stand out as one of the few people usually entering with something in my hand, that I’ll probably put my groceries in while shopping.",Anxiety +52341,"separation anxiety in the recent few years i've very well acknowledged that i am a pretty anxious person and i kinda got used to it. but something that still bothers me is my separation anxiety and the constant fear of being abandoned by my friends. i don't know how to go about it, especially now that i have a best friend to whom i can't talk all the time, whenever i want or need to. they seem to be more of the avoidant style. i find it very difficult to go through my day if whenever i think of them and talking to them, i have to stop myself and 'give them space.' i don't mean this in a selfish way, naturally i am a pretty understanding person. i try to control my 'urges' for contact, which i crave a lot, but it's been getting harder as the days go by. most of the time i don't even have something important to say, it's just my thoughts and things i mention throughout the day, but i feel blue when i remember that they do not 'prefer' texting everyday because that is something that i really like, want and need. i try my best to respect their boundaries and i am the one to 'adapt' to their needs for space. just recently i started wondering whether it is okay that i bring this up as a boundary and a need of mine. i feel like i've often been the one to change for them and it's been getting to me lately. i don't mean any harm to my bestie and we don't have any other 'unsolvable' problem except for this one. is it okay to text them? is it selfish? i get a lot of thoughts and i address them as anxiety but it doesn't get any easier even when i am fully aware of that. i just wish to put an end to this. it has been affecting my mood lately, i check the messages app hundreds of times only to see no texts from them. i get anxious waiting for a reply and even more anxious when i first think of something to say. it just pops into my mind and i happily open the app but as soon as i start typing i remember the situation and feel guilty about texting them. but then again, i feel very empty if i don't. how do i go about this?",Anxiety +52342,"Relentless Nightmare since December! Hello all, + +I am 22M and been struggling since December when I had a marijuana induced panic attack. First time smoking and I only did it to make my sister feel more comfortable with smoking since it’s something she enjoys. Like an idiot, I took an absolutely heroic bong rip and had a full mental breakdown for the next 2 hours before I finally woke up and felt mostly normal. I felt okay the next day and then after a week I was very stressed at work and out of nowhere got extremely dizzy to the point I was scared for my life. I drove to the ER and they said it was just anxiety so I drove back home and tried to sleep it off. Didn’t sleep at all for 3 days and was terrified the whole time. Since then I’ve had constant derealization, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, anxiety, and horrible physical symptoms like dizziness, random headaches that come and go all over my head, body pains, stomach pain, etc.. + +Since then I’ve had 2 rounds of blood work, CT scan, MRI, seen an ENT, and a neurologist. I’ve also been given all of the following medications and more: prednisone, meclizine, clonidine, zyrtec, flonase, antibiotic ear drops. None have worked. All my tests have shown nothing physically wrong so I’d say it’s fair to diagnose as anxiety-related… though my therapist (I’m new to therapy since this all began) says he’s never had a client with such severe dizziness and brain fog. I’ve been on Zoloft for 6 weeks now and I’d say it is finally helping somewhat. I have changed doses twice from 25 to 50 and 50 to 75 in that time so I’m still adjusting. I was also taking quetiapine 25mg as a sleep aid for a few weeks but I can sleep without it now so I stopped because I wasn’t thrilled about taking an antipsychotic for off-label use to begin with. + +Overall I would say I am at about 25-30%. When I started the Zoloft I felt around 0-5% honestly. I was convinced I was going insane and would need to be in an institution during those first 2 weeks. + +I have been housebound and on medical leave this whole time so what I’m trying to do to get back to my feet is exercise daily, get outside, drive to my apartment (1hr), and work remote a few hours a day. I am soldiering through these tasks and honestly I do feel better when I’m busy. For example when I play the PlayStation I can push the symptoms to the back of my mind. But the rest of the time it feels like my conscious mind only has 25% awareness while the rest of my mind is lost somewhere else and doing it’s own thing. It also feels like my short term memory and vision are impaired but they’re not. It’s like being stuck in a dreaming state and it’s so scary and frustrating. It’s very hard to describe but I don’t have any delusions or hallucinations so I don’t believe I am suffering from a psychotic illness. + +I have suffered through so much in my life without it physically impeding me or making me question my sanity but these last 3 months have really tested me. Over the last 4 years I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression but I was able to power through 2 degrees, a long distance relationship, a breakup, and building a career I would hardly have dreamed of years ago. I know I am strong and have what it takes to get through this, but the battle is certainly long and difficult. It is unlike anything I’d have ever fathomed a human could experience. It is so overwhelming that it’s easy to think it may never end. I think it will be okay over time, because I believe in the power of the human mind and body to adjust to challenges, but I wanted to share my experience and see what others may think. I will be so grateful when I am healed and healthy because this experience has given me so many insights on what it takes to have a happy and meaningful life. I’ve learned lessons in gratitude, kindness, and compassion that I want to share with others. + +P.S. +I really look forward to getting back to the things I enjoy once I’m better: bodybuilding, soccer, vinyls, and working!",Anxiety +52343,,Anxiety +52344,can't get rid of fear of losing my job like 500 time a day i think i'm gonna get fired and consumed by it. sigh.,Anxiety +52345,advice for social anxiety with first meets? i’m about to meet with someone (never met them before in PERSON) and i’m being eaten alive by anxiety right now. does anyone have tips?,Anxiety +52346,My grandparent is dying and I’m a mess. I wasn’t sure where to put this but it’s causing a lot of anxiety so here I am. Im going from intense anxiety to feeling numb and empty. He was basically my father figure growing up. He taught me so much and I value his lessons more that he will ever know. I’m not sure how long he has but when I saw him this week the air felt different.I’ve just gotten a text saying he’s not going to be around much longer from my older brother. Im scared for him. He’s in so much pain now and I hope he can pass peacefully but I don’t want him to leave me. I don’t want him to leave with out knowing how much I love him. There’s so much left unsaid. I’m not religious and there’s so much uncertainty in death in my mind. The fact that he’ll be gone and I’ll never see or talk to him again is scary. I’m terrified. I’ll miss him. I’m absolutely going to spiral. I’m not sure how to grieve. I need some advice on what I do. I have a therapist and stuff. I just don’t understand how people go through this pain. Im worried this is going to lead to self destructive behaviors and I know he wouldn’t want that for me. Any advice is welcomed.,Anxiety +52347,"I’m a dummy dumb I took my anxiety med today late cause I keep forgetting. They switched me to one that I have to take in the AM so I get up and rush to work and forget. Well I get home and do a few things and I can’t remember if one of those things was me taking the pill. I’m like 90% sure I didn’t so I took my chances and took one cause I get extremely irritable if I miss more than one dose.. I feel fine so far I think I’m okay. If I start to feel funny later I’ll know why. + +Like I said I’m pretty freakin sure I didn’t double dose but I’m also like 10% like.. hmmm. Anyways.. that was a stupid story.",Anxiety +52348,"Anxiety is effecting my school and my life TW + +hi loves <33. I 16F am looking for advise on how to go forward. for some background i have moved from a small town to the big city after some majorly traumatising events that i wont get into here. but after a year after living here comfortably i had an event trigger the traumatising memories from my past. after this i have struggled with fearing when i leave the house which makes it really hard to go to school. i get so worried that i get physically sick when i have to leave. my attendance is getting really bad. i am considering home schooling but my mum thinks i wont be self motivated enough to do it my self. it got so bad that i had to go to the hospital because i tried to end my life. my mother wasn't supportive of me and just is pretending that nothing happened. so i'm starting to get really worried about not being able to finish high school. i only have two years left until so i don't know if i'm being dramatic or not. i just started medication and they haven't helped much. anyway if you got this far thanks for reading any advise would be helpfull . <33",Anxiety +52349,"Why must I find something wrong in my relationship. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years and I’ve finally pin pointed a reason as to why I’ve been unhappy with her as of late. I don’t believe the things she says, when I ask her if anything is wrong, I dread hearing no. Nothing is going on between us, yet for a while now, I have the uneasy sense that she’s lying to me. She’s always been super honest with me, always telling me exactly what she wants, we communicate very well. Yet, when it comes to stuff as mundane as “are you okay?” It feels as though she’s telling a lie. Can anyone else relate to this? What is wrong with me?",Anxiety +52350,"What’s going with me. Seriously I’ve had a endoscopy done on 11/12/2022. Nothing was found just just ulcer. They always find ulcer. I also had a colonoscopy done. Nothing was found + +Started yesterday. I had a meal. Right after the first bite I gotten nauseas. Then little pain in middle of chest and acidic around the mouth so I forced myself to vomit. Today I had a protein snack before running. Felt acidic while running. Went away after a while. Went home had rice and chicken and felt all nasty so I force myself to vomit it so it doesn’t it bother me anymore and I never had it like this. What’s wrong with me? GI out of town till Monday.",Anxiety +52351,"Is the chest pain from anxiety dangerous to your health? I get sharp pains in the middle of my chest when I have bad anxiety.. I’m so tired of it. I’m so scared I’m having a heart attack although I have no other pain. I just feel like a floating little pebble being carried by an ocean of anxiety waiting to reach the shore, cringe I know but that’s the only way I can word it.",Anxiety +52352,"I think I broke my toe I was walking to exit my basement when I kicked the metal part of my racing wheel, i said every swear word I know before rushing upstairs to survey the damage, and that's when I saw the blood right where my toenail meets the toe is drizzling blood and my toe is throbbing, suddenly I start wondering if it will feel weird forever now or if it will be permanently deformed or something (it's not deformed now) and I had a panic attack so I'm just coming down off of that and the tip is numb, it still hurts and I have a bandaid on it, feeling comes back ish when I ice it and I can move it it is still on and off pain coming in waves and i am still concerned about it.",Anxiety +52353,Paroxetine makes me so tired and sleepy I could easily fall asleep anytime. Will this fatigue go away? I’m taking paroxetine for almost 2 weeks already.,Anxiety +52354,"Anxiety developing over Texts Some background- I’m currently 18 and I was the girl who had a big group of friends who genuinely didn’t hate each other and kept in touch, last semester of High school I lost touch and lost many friends even my two friends of 4+ years. + +I did get diagnosed with panic disorder but I also know panic attacks aren’t the only thing I get and I can develop anxiety over many things. + +I started dating a guy early in 2022 and towards the end I had started getting anxious over texts and even looking at iMessage itself sometimes then I developed some anxiety and shakiness when I wouldn’t hear back from him for a long time. It was a dark time for me, and I noticed I started getting anxious and was having bad thoughts about myself. + +Now I met this new guy probably a week after I broke it off with my ex and he’s great, we’re not dating but definitely exclusive, but from 5pm- 9pm he doesn’t message me for a long time and I understand he’s eating dinner, wants alone time for his own things but I hate having this shakiness in my hands and it feels like a rock weighing me down and I’m shaking everywhere all over my body like I can’t move. + +Sometimes I think the solution is to tell him “hey can you text me back in x amount of time” or “I don’t like how you don’t message me for awhile” sure, short term solution but I know things will come up and he’ll eventually resent me for making him do that, and this goes way beyond him as well. + +Even if we break things off in the future I don’t want to have major anxiety over the next guy and go through these feelings again and again and I want a permanent solution. Help?",Anxiety +52355,"does this class as anxiety? here's a few things i do that i think might class as anxiety; + +- bounce my leg basically all the time +- if i'm wearing a ring or something on my hand then i have to fiddle with it +- move my hands a lot +- urge to check notifications as soon as they come in +- struggle to order food/pay for stuff/ask for assistance bc i don't like speaking to people +- don't like meeting new people +- overthink 24/7 +- ask myself 'am i being annoying?' or 'do they hate me?' +- sweaty palms +- awkward around people i don't know +- bite my lip",Anxiety +52356,"Performance anxiety playing the piano Any other musicians/pianists who struggle with performance anxiety despite years of playing? + +How do you fight it to stop yourself from second guessing yourself on things you already know but are afraid of screwing up? + +I’m not even talking about performing in front of anyone either, literally just talking about playing over the phone for my piano teacher of nearly 29 years during a piano lesson. + +The phrase “go for it, **my name**!” My teacher used a lot when I was younger when she knew I was ready to really make a piece shine but totally lacked the confidence to believe in myself and every time I just went for it I completely surprised myself and got all excited and enjoyed whatever I was playing that much more as a result but that was usually more towards ending the piece and now I find I’m getting it even more in the middle of my study/practice and it’s really annoying!!!",Anxiety +52357,"I don't know if it's anxiety anymore or it's part of feeling normal I have been on medication for 6 months due to repeated panic attacks that left me unable to leave the house and as a consequence, losing work and studies. Two months ago I went back to school and the truth is I'm not so bad, but these days I feel a pressure in my chest and some nausea that I felt before when I was very anxious. Is it normal or am I feeling anxious again? I take 100mg of Sertraline.",Anxiety +52358,"Know I'm going to get dementia I'm 24 and recently suffered my 10th concussion. You read that right. I never played contact sports or anything, I'm just unbalanced and unlucky. I've slipped in the shower, gotten bumped in the back of the head by a friend, had the back of my chair hit, and recently hit a bad speed bump that jolted my body upward. My whole head hurts all day and I just think about the damage that I've done and how it's going to affect me going forward. I feel like the entire surface of my brain is injured and dementia, my greatest fear, is unavoidable. I get concussions so easily now that I'm scared to do anything. I don't know how I'm going to get through this",Anxiety +52359,"self esteem is going dowwwn i ran out of meds on sunday, and havent been taking them since. the withdrawal symptoms im facing is so debilitating. I'm getting brain zaps, nausea, dizziness, and of course anxiety. i havent been to school since Tuesday. my immune system is also crap, so i fall sick easily, and for the past few weeks i havent been showing up to school on Thursdays for some reason because my body just chooses to fall sick on Thursday???? so I've been missing literature lessons that only take place on Thursday. My relationship with my literature teacher is good, but i dont want her to start thinking that im doing this on purpose. im also missing chemistry lessons and im not the best at chemistry, so i feel like im just gonna get worse at it. + +I'm taking my O-levels this year which is a national exam and i hate how this is happening. I need to focus on my studies but im finding it so hard to do that. I've reached out to my form teacher for help and she's been very kind and understanding, but i still feel so incapable. I just want to be normal.",Anxiety +52360,Temporary relief from anxiety This helps me become calm and mentally clear?! What is it... Chemicals that fry your brain? Nope... It's CBD oil: https://allianthemp.com/collections/all,Anxiety +52361,"It's like an unending barrage. If I thought I managed my anxiety poorly before, oh boy. This last month has been easily the worst in terms of anxiety I've ever experienced. +My first born is due in two months. Farming season is about to start. Constantly awake until 3-4 AM reeling about the real possibility of financial ruin due to the costs of having a child and the current state of the agricultural industry. The thought of changing careers only amplifies my anxiety x1000. That's the worst part, being unable to sleep. Sometimes I'll start to go asleep and the slightest noise will wake me up, or I'll just wake up in a full blown panic. I've been spending all day either being a nervous wreck and if I'm not outwardly nervous, my body is still showing physical symptoms of it. Almost like it's subconscious. Sometimes I feel like the anxiety itself is scarier than the situation I worry myself sick over. My other new trigger is every little ache, pain or cough I get I spend the entire day spiraling down a hole thinking I'm obviously dying and I won't be there to see my daughter's first steps and the farm that's been in my family for 5 generations will be sold because nobody will be there to take care of it. +I hate the physical symptoms the most. The fast heartbeat, constantly being on edge, body and headaches. It's like even if I think I'm getting a rope around my anxiety, it's still there in my subconscious wreaking havok on me. +I'm sorry if this was convoluted or hard to follow. I just don't have many people I can talk to, and if I can, they have a hard time understanding just how hard this affliction makes things. These things I'm worried about are valid, certainly, anybody who isn't nervous about having a kid isn't in their right mind I suppose, but having a generalized anxiety disorder coupled with panic attacks in the first place just makes it hell on earth and makes you not only question your own abilities but also question your own sanity at times.",Anxiety +52362,"Anxiety seriously holding me back. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Hi everyone, + +This is my first time posting on here and this may turn out to be an essay but please bear with me and read to the end. I promise to make this as concise as possible. + +I'm in my late 20's (male) and have had anxiety since the beginning of high school. It felt super overwhelming back then and high school could have been an amazing experience had anxiety not gotten in the way. + +I went to university fairly late and after graduating kept landing contract work, and eventually got stuck working at the same grocery store I applied to as an undergrad. The anxiety carried over into the workplace and resulted in my inability to work at a fast pace. I always felt mentally and physically exhausted. + +This is where I have to mention alcohol and caffeine, both of which produce superhuman like effects but with a caveat: + +I tried alcohol for the first time in Montreal at the age of 18 and after downing 2 beers it felt like I had ingested an elixir. My worries went away instantly, and felt my brain firing on all cylinders. There were 0 negative emotions, and a profound combination of confidence, energy, euphoria, and heightened creativity. I never got addicted to drinking (for obvious reasons), and only drink on occasion, but every time I do, it produces the same effects. I also never get drunk. + +Coffee seems to produce eerily similar effects and I realized this a few years ago after I had a coffee at work and felt like I had snorted crack. I thought I could take on the world, and was super excited that I had finally found a solution to my problem. Unfortunately however, if I have coffee everyday for 4 days straight, by the 4th day it produces the exact opposite effects and I'm left feeling sleepy and lethargic. For me to feel the full effects of coffee, I need to refrain from it for at least 7 days. + +Fast forward to today where I recently started working construction as a sprinkler fitter/pipefitter and absolutely hate it. Apart from being a fast-paced environment, I'm asthmatic with an allergy to dust and constantly drilling holes into a concrete ceiling has made my asthma worse, plus the cement we use to glue the plastic leaves me with a pounding headache during and after work, so I know my days are numbered. The company that I'm employed with is currently waiting on a new project so I've had the last 7 days off + +During this time I've begun doing research on career alternatives and have become very interested in the online world and have decided to upgrade my skills in e-commerce, digital marketing, and video editing (among other things). + +My morning routine involves getting up at 8 o'clock (feeling tired), having breakfast, followed by tea with milk (which produces similar effects to coffee with much less intensity). After having tea, my anxiety goes away and I become very focused; however, when the caffeine wears off, my anxiety returns and I go back to feeling mentally exhausted (constant worrying, overthinking, fear of failure, lack of motivation etc.) + +As far as I know, I'm not depressed, nor do I have low self-esteem. I feel good about the way I look and the shape I'm in. Going to the gym helps. + +I don't have any bad habits. I don't smoke, nor do I indulge in social media looking for a dopamine fix. Most of my free time is spent reading online and on YouTube searching educational videos. I also get 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night but usually wake up tired. The only complaint I have with life is my anxiety. Without it I have a powerful personality and I feel like I'm capable of achieving so much but it's causing me to operate at only 50% of my full potential. + +I was wondering if anyone is able to offer any insight as to why alcohol and caffeine produce such similar effects, practically eliminating my anxiety before the effects wear off, and if anyone has had similar experiences? Could alcohol and caffeine contain something which I might be deficient in? Could I get this in a pill form? + +I was thinking of making an appointment with my family doctor but just thought I'd reach out here to see what the members here have to add. + +I'm open to the idea of trying antidepressants but at the same time worried about the side effects. Do antidepressants really only cause side effects in the first couple of weeks? Based on some of my research, that seems to be the case. + +Apologies for the long post and I would greatly appreciate any input. + +Thanks.",Anxiety +52363,"Blonde highlights Hello first time posting here but I feel like I'm going to explode. +So a few weeks ago I got the ""amazing"" idea to get blonde highlights, like a balayage. I don't know if it's because how the hairstylist did them, because my hair is wavy or I'm just this insecure. But now every time that I see myself on the Kinrara I hate my hair so much, like what the he'll I did to my precious color. +I'm thinking to get dyed at home because I can't deal anymore with hairstylists and giving explanations, but it makes me SO ANXIOUS to not get a color that matches my hair. I just want my highlights to dissappear. +I'm feeling like a mess and I don't know how to proceed and I don't want to hear the others saying how I'm wasting my money after getting the highlights . I just want to feel peace at something.",Anxiety +52364,"L-theanine I was thinking of looking into this more. + +How well does L-theanine work for your anxiety?",Anxiety +52365,"please read anyone that suffers from anxiety and blood work and scans show nothing. please get your thyroid checked a full thyroid panel. tsh t3 free, t3 total, t4 free, t4 total. antibodies..tpo, tsi, trab. iven had anxiety symptoms since 2019 and nothing ever showed because only my tsh was checked or rarely my t4 was checked and they were in the normal range. fast foward to feb2023 they were all abnormal. god bless you all",Anxiety +52366,"Developed anxiety disorder out of the blue Don’t understand why this is happening, but I have been having panic attacks when I’m stressed out. It’s really weird. I do struggle with depression (diagnosed but not medicated) but never really had an issue with anxiety until now. + + +I can only pinpoint one specific traumatic moment this year, but I really am not seeing why, especially when the trigger isn’t anything related to that. I just shut down now under *any* stress :( which sucks because sometimes my work is stressful and the panic attacks have happened twice in my work place + + +I'm just wondering if anyone else had this sudden onset of panic attacks for no reason? + +EDIT: I forgot to mention but I’m in therapy and have mentioned this to my therapist but I am finding these episodes continuing to occur and it scares me",Anxiety +52367,"How can I better handle my catastrophising Recently I’ve become a lot more aware that when I overthink something I often don’t look for evidence that that thing is true I instead simply catastrophise without receiving the information which actually may disprove what I’m thinking. A common reaccuring thought in this is that my boyfriend is mad at me, that my friends are mad at me and overall the overarching fear that I’ve done something wrong. From personal experiences can anyone give me some personal self help techniques to reduce catastrophising and overall thoughts that are extremely blown out of proportion",Anxiety +52368,"College is destroying me I am a Med student and currently I am at the worst state I have ever been, my anxiety is the highest ever and I keep having suicidal thoughts. I try to calm down and help myself but I can’t because everyday I have to go to classes because they are mandatory. And every time I go it just keeps me stressed and I can never escape this loop. Unfortunately I have started drinking more alcohol to try to suppress my anxiety but I know this isn’t good. + +I don’t know how long I can keep up, my hopes are that I can keep up till summer and then take a leave of absence for 1-2 years to “fix” myself and figure out what I want to do with my life. + +But I don’t know if I can persevere till summer 😓",Anxiety +52369,,Anxiety +52370,Deviated septum / mouth breathing? Anyone else have a deviated septum or mouth breathing? Could that be tied to anxiety?!,Anxiety +52371,"I can feel something in my lower throat or upper lungs. I’m not sick but when I am, the mucus is usually felt in the back of my throat rather than where I can feel something now. I’m at work constantly trying to clear my throat and googling how to cough up phlegm even though I’m not sure that it *is* phlegm. I can’t concentrate on anything else and I’m worrying that I have a disease. I haven’t done any work in the last 40 minutes because I keep googling and getting up when I’m restless. Considering leaving work early to go home but I know it’ll sound stupid. I also know that my reaction to overpowering anxious thoughts is to leave wherever I am and go home, so I know the reason for wanting to go home isn’t because I feel physically sick enough. + +I wish I could just sit with this mild physical discomfort and cough every now and then like a normal person but instead, every time I feel the thing in my chest a wave of anxiety paralyses me. I don’t know how to get through the day. + +What should I do?",Anxiety +52372,"Very anxious and uncomfortable after professor made us watch their personal porn video for lecture EDIT: Thanks for all the advice everyone! This situation is extremely nuanced and very complex, and I'm unable to fully convey how something like this can even happen / make it make sense without giving up specific details about my school / prof / situation (because yes, I'm aware this situation sounds absolutely ridiculous). The comments have been really helpful in next steps, and how to help with the anxiety. Appreciate it :) + +&#x200B;",Anxiety +52373,Worried about it blood clots I’m worried about getting blood clots bc some days I only get around 300 steps in. At most 2-3k. My doctors said I’m fine but it’s hard to believe that.,Anxiety +52374,"does anyone, else have weird feelings everyday? f14-15 i get them, everyday, and it's honestly pretty scary because i think, i'm probably dying etc, or i'm gonna abruptly, end up in a hospital, but i been stressed for years since my dad passed away..ive been through a lot so i can't tell if it's because of that or not. does anyone know what, i mean? + +&#x200B; + +i think, ive been getting heart palpitations, even when my heart is slow. but the thing is, is that i can drink, and eat without throwing up., i'm not in any bad pains anywhere. but my hair is falling out, and my memory is kinda bad. but i have been, getting weird feelings everyday and i don't know what to do.. and i'm pale because i never go outside. + +&#x200B; + +&#x200B; + +but i do have, lots of posts on here, so if you wanna you can check them, they will explain kinda a lot.",Anxiety +52375,"How do i overcome an overwhelming fear of death ? This sounds so stupid, but I have nights (like tonight) where I suddenly panic about dying. I get dizzy and sick just thinking about it and I get panic attacks. I'm 20 and healthy (apart from having PTSD) and I know I won't be dying soon, but I can't shake the fear once it comes over me... I think its the fear of not knowing what happens that gets me the most, and the fear of what's after death. I don't believe in an afterlife so I panic as to what it really feels like to just be gone… + +Sorry if this is the wrong place to vent about this. Does anyone have any ideas at to how I can get over this fear? It’s really fucking up my mental and physical health",Anxiety +52376,"Feeling Sick triggers anxiety and depression I have been finally getting better after starting therapy and the new med. However, my whole family is sick and I finally got sick after a 2 weeks of being surrounded by them. + +My anxiety has increased and my mood is worse, been feeling like I am going to relapse and get back to the old anxious and depressed me, but deep down I know I won't relapse. I did notice it is only in the morning and it only has been happening this week. + +Is it normal to feel more anxious and have more depressed thoughts when you are sick.",Anxiety +52377,"Inner Sanctuary of Peace Hello - this is a short story that at least for me, it was a great anxiety relief. If you like it, I will post more. + +Once upon a time in a serene village, nestled within a lush green valley, there lived a gentle, wise elephant named Elara. This village was known for its tranquility, as it was graced with a unique energy that seemed to ease the worries and stresses of all who lived there. + +One day, a young girl named Mia came to the village, seeking relief from her overwhelming anxiety. Upon hearing about Elara's wisdom, she ventured to the peaceful grove where the elephant resided. The moment Mia approached, she felt her heart rate slowing and her breath deepening. + +""Elara, I've heard of your wisdom and calming presence. Please, can you help me with my anxiety?"" Mia asked timidly. + +Elara looked at her with gentle eyes and replied, ""Of course, dear child. Sit down beside me, and let me share with you the secret to finding peace within yourself."" + +As Mia settled down, Elara began to tell her a story. + +""Long ago, our village was visited by a wise old monk. He too had experienced the tranquility of our valley and wished to uncover the source of this peaceful energy. He spent many days meditating under the ancient oak tree at the center of the village. Finally, he discovered the secret: within each of us exists a tiny, peaceful oasis, an inner sanctuary that remains untouched by the chaos of the world."" + +The wise elephant continued, ""To access this sanctuary, you must learn to quiet your mind and listen to the rhythm of your own breath. Begin by taking slow, deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. With each breath, imagine your worries dissolving into the wind, leaving only peace and tranquility behind."" + +Mia closed her eyes and followed Elara's guidance. As she inhaled and exhaled, she felt her anxiety ebbing away, replaced with a sense of calm and safety she had never known before. + +After some time, Mia opened her eyes and looked at the wise elephant. ""Thank you, Elara. Your words have brought me peace, and I will carry this lesson with me wherever I go."" + +As Mia prepared to leave, Elara touched her trunk gently to the girl's shoulder. ""Remember, dear child, your inner sanctuary is always within you. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or anxious, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and allow yourself to find refuge in the peaceful oasis of your heart."" + +With newfound strength and a heart filled with gratitude, Mia returned to her life, carrying the wisdom of Elara and the tranquility of the village with her. She had discovered the power of her inner sanctuary, and now, she was ready to face the world with courage and serenity.",Anxiety +52378,"Advice? tw: self-harm, bad thoughts? I'm not really sure what else, sorry + +So uh, I've been feeling down and really anxious for thr past few weeks. It's probably silly, but I cut myself a while ago snd I hadn't done that for a while so I think it's really getting a low point. And it's probably just because of my poor emotional regulation stuff, but I kinda need to get this out because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. + +To start with, my academic workload's increased these past few weeks. I'm doing a research paper with a group, but it's just stressing me out. I'm um overthinking about how it would fail? Or if I'm not a good leader and I'm affecting my classmates' grades because of it. It's just, well, the thought of it is always there, and I can't really get rid of it because it's not yet done. + +Then there's this family tree project that we have, and I'm using my mom's family with it— I'm not really close with my dad's side of the family, so I can't exactly switch to his family. Uh the problem is, my mom has problems with her family, and I don't want to bring it up so I keep putting it off. I don't want to make her upset, and the thought of doing so is just making me anxious. + +There's also the little things. Exams, quizzes, presentations, etc. I failed a quiz for the first time in a few years and my teacher got upset about it so I'm kinda panicking and trying to review more haha + +Then well my birthday's coming up. We had this whole catering thing going on, but there's been problems with the payment and stuff. Mom made a mistake because she was outside when the manager asked for the payment, and she got really stressed because she couldn't get her money back. The manager hasn't exactly been cooperative, and they've been insistent on the payment, so yeah. Mom got angry and kinda blamed me cause I was the one who liked the idea of the catering thing. I promised her that I would take care of it since it was mostly my fault since she didn't like it but I pushed, so I've been in contact with the manager and everything but the situation's still messy. It's just more stress? More anxiety. Hooray, I guess. + +We're still not done with the preparations and stuff and I really want to help but I've been busy with school, and when I get home there's no time to go outside and get what's needed. It's stressing Mom out, and I think that's part of the reason why she got angry, so I wanted to get this done. But I can't, and I have to wait for the weekends to actually be able to do stuff. + +There's also the scholarship tests, although I've already taken them. It's just making me nervous, because if I didn't pass then it would be difficult to go to college becaude my family isn't really financially stable. It's just pressuring me? I think? I'm having trouble identifying how I feel without wanting to break down lol + +It's also hard to fall asleep. I feel like the only rest I get is the minutes before I fall asleep, so I try to prolong it as long as possible. I think I'm afraid of waking up tomorrow because it just means that nothing's resolved yet and I just. Yeah. + +Uh, that's it I guess. Sorry if this is all negative. If you have some advice (especially about the sleeping thing), it's all welcome! Thanks.",Anxiety +52379,"Cardiophobia I am so exhausted and just need to know that I am not alone. + +I have been struggling with health anxiety since October of 2022. It started off with the fear of seizures (no family history, no increased risk) and now it’s onto heart attacks and cardiac arrests. I’ve had 2 EKGs, a 48-hour holter monitor, and an echocardiogram. All came back normal. My cholesterol is fine, blood pressure is fine. + +I don’t know how to get over this irrational fear of uncertainty and unknown. I feel the constant need for control and I don’t know how to stop. + +I am currently in weekly therapy and have just started hypnotherapy.",Anxiety +52380,"I hate having undiagnosed anxiety I wake up and I instantly check my phone making sure of everything i have to do in the day then double checking then triple checking. +Then i go to school and the nail biting and skin picking starts then the headache then my heart starts racing and everything goes blurry and this week has been horrible i have felt so anxious and stressed that i keep throwing up and having panic/anxiety attacks +I just wish i could get a diagnosis",Anxiety +52381,"Health issue or health anxiety So before i start, let me make clear that i do have some health issue Well had, i was born with a unicuspid valve and had open heart surgery 2 years ago. Up to the surgery i was a mental wreck more than before. Now after the surgery ive been Well for the most part. I have had alot of fears after that actually got worse over the two years instead of better. Now to start This story up we gotta rewind a few months, its a few days after Christmas, im at granny inlaw having a good time, when My girlfriend notice My right ankle is a little swollen above the achilles tendon, we call the emergency eoc and he wants ud to Come in, he frels it and want it scanned with ultrasound. It was fine. Now i didnt Think much of it then, but im sure My ankle above the achilles always was swollen but i havent ever really looked much at My ancles. +Now here is where it gets difficult two days later we Are home, i wake up and notice i have a coin sized point bit left from My sternum with minor pain,and I get spells of dizziness. +At night i get admitted to the ER and they do ultra sound, ekg, bloodwork work etc. And everythings fine, except from slightly elevated troponin which could be scar tissue, though they think i have a minor infection in my heart and release me sayinf i should be fine sfter some time but i dont feel fine. Onde home i get This feeling of not being able to get enough air when I breath. A week later im back in the ER, they do the usual checks plus a ct and guess what, im fine except for the same slightly elevated troponin and they release me Again sayings its just a minor infektion. +3 weeks later i have an appointment with a specialised cardiologist that is educated for valve disease and has byen following me for over a decade. She checks me and im fine My heart is in a good condition. Now i didnt feel happy when told so, but extreme dissapointment, i started to get a feeling of fear of Them having made a mistake or missed something . The reason being is that before My surgery the hospital i was in the ER at, didnt see that My heart wasnt doing Well when I was in for chest pain(wasnt a heart attack, but My valve failing badly) the Same pain i have Now. +Now i startede going to a psych every third week and its good. But at this point im uncertain of what is wrong, ive been checked at the hospital 3times and at a specialized cardiologist, and they havent found much that could explain the pain. +So im trying to accept the fact it could be anxiety driven, but the moment i started trying it, i got issues with breathing Again. Its like something in me wants to keeper me in pain and afraid. I Hope some Will read this and give some input.",Anxiety +52382,"I’m new to Reddit so bear with me I have this problem where I refuse to believe anyone knows me. I know i sound abit weird writing this but I just can’t put my mind around anyone truly knowing me and I know the saying of no one truly knows anyone. But it really is becoming a thing where I really believe people don’t know me. I’m not a shy person I’m extroverted I love talking to people but I do have anxiety I’ve been hurt a lot in the past by people, I think everyone has. Now I just don’t think I know anyone and I don’t think they know me I know people do know me I just won’t admit to it. I’m struggling to understand myself really. Ive come on here to ask for advice because Ive looked into this and all I can find is people saying why don’t I let anyone know me which isn’t my situation I feel like I don’t but I do speak about my problems and I’m known as an open book so why do I feel this why ? +Am I crazy , if anyone feels this way or knows why I do please respond",Anxiety +52383,Lack of appetite for months..anxiety? Been like this for a while now and dont know of it is anxiety or depression but i have lack of appetite and losing weight. Been to the docs but always brushed off as anxiety. Is it really this bad ?blood work has been done multiple times i know they dont show everything wrong but would there be a red flag that they would loook more into? I just wanna enjoy eating again. Whenever i do force myself i dont have any problems at all but i dont get a full feeling either its weird. Also having problems with pooping but i guess its because im eating less,Anxiety +52384,"What ACTUALLY helped your sudden panic attacks / physical symptoms? I'm tired of the usual ""try going for a walk"" and ""take a deep breath"" advice from people I have had severe panic attacks for about 3 years now, and just mental anxiety (no physical symptoms) for my whole life probably. It has morphed into health anxiety and being constantly worried that I have a tumor or heart attack or stroke which is an awful way to live. + +They resurface every now and then when life gets stressful, but I cannot eliminate my stressors. I need to cope with my attacks. + +I am in therapy and take Effexor but I need advice from people who actually have suffered like I do.",Anxiety +52385,"I hate that my only option is to wait The only solution to the things that have me feeling anxious is to wait. There's no other way around it and I hate it so much. It's leaving me with too much time to think, and I can't do anything to distract myself because that just fuels my anxiety in some weird roundabout way. + +I can't even find the words to vent my emotions properly because my mind is so muddled. I'm not able to distract myself much so I don't know what to do.",Anxiety +52386,"Having panic attacks in one specific class? I’ve suffered from anxiety since middle school, and I’ve definitely always had the hardest time with it in classroom settings. I’m in college now, and I’ve never really noticed my anxiety in any of my classes until now. I have one class that, because attendance is required and I have to make a bit of a scene to exit, has suddenly started making me extremely anxious. + +I find that I suddenly can’t breathe and feel like I’m about to pass out, even when I’m sitting down. It got so bad yesterday that I had to leave, and I skipped class this morning too. After having a full-blown panic attack in that class last night, I now have intense anxiety about returning. Skipping isn’t an option anymore, but I’m so afraid of having another panic attack in there. Any advice is much appreciated, thank you so much!",Anxiety +52387,"Am i experiencing Derealization after a weekend of drinking? &#x200B; + +So i got drunk on the weekend and today i still feel very weird + +like my body feels weird my vision doesnt seem right and i just went on a walk and my surroundings seemed not real, like i saw a person and they didnt look real i cant explain it? i do suffer with severe anxiety and have panic attacks now and then + +but i have never felt like this? like my whole mind feels off",Anxiety +52388,"It feels impossible to relax I lost my job a week ago. Since then, I've pretty much been worrying non-stop. Yes, I talk to a counselor AND a psychiatrist. I have Xanax but I'm trying to ration it out. + +Not sure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?",Anxiety +52389,"Is tingling in fingers/hand normal? I've experienced many physical symptoms of anxiety, but I recently began experiencing constant tingling on the tips of my fingers and my palm, mostly on one hand. These sensations have been occurring for around two weeks and I'm stressing about something serious going on with my health. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?",Anxiety +52390,"Anyone taken Amitriptyline and Sertraline together? Been on 20mg of Amitriptyline for about two years now for IBS. Was put on Sertraline today 25mg, for anxiety. The doctor knew of my existing medication and suggested starting at 25mg for a week and then increasing to 50 if I felt ok. + +I’m sure it’s safe since it was prescribed, but the doc was busy searching through her computer/phone once I told her about my Amitriptyline and it hasn’t filled me with much faith lol. Has anyone here taken this combo before?",Anxiety +52391,Sleep tips for Anxiety and Stress Recently I’ve been going through a really stressful period of my life and it has also greatly increased my anxiety. This makes it especially difficult to sleep. I often take 2 hours laying in bed to fall asleep and then wake up about 3-4 times a night and I can’t even tell you the last time I got a full 7-8 hours. I often wake up due to vivid dreams or maybe just due to all the things on my mind which I think may be contributing to poor sleep I often have to take a melatonin in the middle of the night to fall back asleep. I also take magnesium supplements sometimes but I’ve had my ups and downs with them as they tend to increase the vivid dreams (I also quit weed sorta recently which may factor into why I’ve been having so many vivid dreams and having sleep troubles) I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how I could get better sleep and any other supplements that may help with it if needed. I just wanna fall asleep quicker and stop waking in the middle of the nights and I wanna see if anyone here has had similar experiences and if anything helped.,Anxiety +52392,How is self-esteem related to anxiety? Maybe I am suffering from extreme anxiety because of my low self-worth. And my anxiety is limiting me in the things I can do so I even believe less in myself. It’s like a vicious cycle.. anyway out?,Anxiety +52393,"What are your exposure methods for the fear of going crazy/psychosis? So how do you expose yourself to that fear? My main themes are death and going crazy/losing control. What I have in my pack: + +* Not distracting myself staying with the anxiety. +* Imagining worst case scenerios to making myself more anxious.",Anxiety +52394,Lamictal ? Anyone with good reviews about lamictal?,Anxiety +52395,Weak legs. Hello I’ve dealt with anxiety for a couple years now. Never taken any medication for it. But as of recent I’ve noticed that I can’t stand still for long periods of time. My legs will feel heavy and feel like they are going to give out from under me. I feeI like I constantly have to keep moving . If not find a chair to sit down. Has anyone experienced this? Anybody suggestions?,Anxiety +52396,"Following up yesterday, about Tylenol So I still had a a headache this morning and I finally went to the store to get some ibuprofen. Took it about 10 minutes ago and really scared still that it was laced with cyanide. I know cyanide is fast acting but how fast acting so I can stop worrying soon about it being that",Anxiety +52397,"Prescribed Propranolol(Inderal) So I was prescribed this medication a few weeks ago to go with my mirtazapine for anxiety and my irregular heart rate. Has anyone taking this medication seen a change in their menstrual cycle? I’ve been clockwork every 29-31 days for years. Currently 5 days late, took a test, negative. That medication is the only thing I changed, and my pharmacist said it typically doesn’t cause that. I feel like I’m the only one who’s had this issue 😅thank you!",Anxiety +52398,I had the habit to laugh when i am nervous and I have a major presentation later I’m so scared I screw it up! I scared my thoughts turn true and I’m so worried,Anxiety +52399,Metabolic Endotoxemia: One Root Cause of Many Diseases of Affluence [https://link.chtbl.com/theperfectstool-Reddit](https://link.chtbl.com/theperfectstool-Reddit),Anxiety +52400,"Here is some comedic relief regarding persistent, intrusive thoughts. 😂 You just can’t push them away. 😂😂😂 + +https://youtu.be/Eh2hLuFfXdI",Anxiety +52401,"Escitalopram and risperidone I’ve been on escitalopram 10 and 20mg for about 7 years now. Tried to quit last year and it went SO horribly i started back at 20mg but my psych feels weak and sensitive compared to before stopping. I have agoraphobia and panic disorder. I finally saw a psychiatrist who prescribed risperidone but i’m scared as hell to take it. I had full body dyskinesia after taking metoclopramide a while back and after i saw that risperidone can cause that as well as tardive dyskinesia I’m terrified. + +Do you guys have any insight?",Anxiety +52402,"I messed up at work today and I'm terrified to go in tomorrow I messed up on a task at work today, right before i logged off for the day. The client escalated to my manager, and now I have an email from him saying we need to talk about this with the larger team to avoid such mistakes going forward. I know its not that big of a mistake, but I've just been really anxious about it for the last couple of hours. + +I feel like throwing up thinking about going in to work tomorrow. I get anxious thinking about a regular day at work everyday, so this added stressor feels like a bit too much to handle. I hate that I'm letting this take control of myself. How do people with anxiety deal with such situations at work / school ?",Anxiety +52403,,Anxiety +52404,"I’m scared to move away from my home city, because I will miss my parents. I want so badly to move out, and explore new things. I also don’t want to be far from my family. I have always been super close to my family, and I find comfort in living close to them. I feel anxiety just thinking about not having my mom around when I’m sad, or my dad around to talk about the hockey game. Or my grandma to talk about anything. + +I am 21, and I live on my own, but I’m still in the same city as my family, so they are right there whenever I need them. + +How can I conquer my fears, and live in a new place, and explore new things, even if it’s just for a year or two. I’ve wanted so badly to move in with a friend who has an extra spot, but again, the anxiety of being without my family is so scary. + +Thanks for taking the time to read this.",Anxiety +52405,"How to get off your smartphone? I tried going cold turkey for a week I tried going cold turkey off my smartphone and my anxiety is going through the roof. Had to take a valium. + +I just thought that i am spending way too much time on my smartphone, that I am addicted. 6-10 hours a day on average. So much screen time is like reality avoidance to me and is hijacking my dopamine levels, probably overstimulating my brain causing more anxiety longterm. + +Tried listening more to music, podcasts, audiobooks but it’s not enough. + +I guess I am addicted to my phone. Anyone have a similar experience and knows a way out?",Anxiety +52406,"Small vent, I couldn’t accurately state my objection when going for coffee with co-worker So this morning I already bought a coffee and just started to drink it at my desk when a co worker came by and ask if I wanted to go get coffee. I said yes and said I will just continue to drink this one I have, but he said just get another one. For some reason he thought I was finished and said to get another one. +He did eventually buy me another coffee so I just through out my half drunken coffee in the trash since he bought me one. I felt disappointed in myself for not being more clear. In this types of situations I have a problem making myself heard clearly and precisely. +I guess there more work to be done. +Thanks for the vent session.",Anxiety +52407,"I'm feeling weird I feel like everything around me is slower than me, and I feel dumb, I don't really know how to explain it honestly, I even tried googling it but I just can't explain it properly. Does anyone knows what is happening to me?",Anxiety +52408,"I just need to rant I really try to figure out whether or not reddit is something healthy to have. I enjoying being in this group and others to find support and to help people but man… this place can be so toxic and triggering. I have health issues and one of those is severe sinus problems do I joined a group to get advice. Later on I get a commenter basically undermining my symptoms (like every doctor is) telling me my symptoms aren’t sinus related (which they are) and ended it by basically saying it’s my anxiety and all in my head. I check his other comments to people and they were equally as rude and trying to humiliate people. I reported them to the mods and I was met with one of those most immature people to walk the planet. They told me that my complaint was ridiculous amongst other things, banned me from the group, muted me from messaging them and then now reported me to reddit for harassment. How are people so cruel and have so much hatred and immaturity? Now i’m scared i’m going to lose my account because they want to try and get me banned.",Anxiety +52409,"Coming to terms with anxiety as an adult, looking back it was pretty obvious and nobody talked about it. Hi friends, new poster here. Turns out my entire family suffers from anxiety, and nobody shared this with me. My mom was medicated for it briefly, my dad is medicated for it and also has PTSD, and it runs in both sides of the family. I figured it out in my early 20's and I have been seeing all these things about myself in a new light ever since. Currently suspicious that I might have ocd. + +Something I am frustrated with is that I had a lot of signs and symptoms, but was quieter than my siblings so it got brushed off all the time. In highschool I had one friend, and she was always telling me I was a worrywart, and openly mocked me about things I did. (For example, I could never just cross a street. Had to be with the walk signal, and then I would RUN across it, and one day she made a big deal about it to my face) + +Nobody ever asked WHY. Why I had almost no friends, why I didn't learn to drive until I was almost 30, why I am always going around giving people warnings about their safety. One time I had a complete breakdown after my parents got divorced, which was very rare for me. And my mom said ""she's just being dramatic and wants attention"" and that was the end of that. I was also ""the responsible one"". They just don't have time for my feelings. + +I try to talk to my dad, who seems like the person who would understand the most, and I'll say ""I have been figuring out some stuff about driving and being anxious"" and he will go ""SPEAKING OF ANXIETY AND DRIVING, YOUR SISTER HAS COME ALONG SO FAR IN HER DRIVING!"" Or I will try to tell him I think I might have ocd and he will use this tone of disbelief and try to poke holes in what I'm saying to him. + +Sorry for the long post. I'm just grateful that sometimes I can find places on the internet to talk about it. I don't have the worst anxiety in the world, but it's always there, all the time. I appreciate that you folks are able to take it seriously. Thank you for that.",Anxiety +52410,I hate this shit ffs My social worker won’t support me living alone just because I’m mentally ill I don’t want any support anymore I wish they left me alone and let me decide where I want to live. I’m 18,Anxiety +52411,,Anxiety +52412,"Prejudice or attraction? There’s a guy at work that flirted with me a lot at a work party and now we are avoiding each other like a plague… He is always sending someone else to talk to me and when he sees me, he doesn’t even say hi… I am an immigrant woman and I can’t speak his language so well, sometimes I believe that he is avoiding me bc he has no patience to talk with me… The anxiety hits hard and I can’t confront him bc of the language barrier and the anxiety of speaking another language… I need some tips on how to overcome this fear",Anxiety +52413,"any tips for bad anxiety stomach? i’m really anxious about something right now, and i was up all night feeling super sick, i was sick a few times too. usually my anxiety stomach pains last for 1-2 hours. but it’s been 17 hours. and i don’t know how to calm it down. i don’t have anyone to talk to about it either. there is one person. but i shouldn’t burden him with this. i just need some advice. i can’t move much, sleep, drink, or eat. it’s really bad. and it’s never been this bad before. any tips?",Anxiety +52414,"How to Move On Why, with health anxiety, is it so difficult to accept things are okay and move on? Say you’ve spent a lot of time worrying about a specific condition and then been given the all clear (found out that everything is normal and you are okay)… why don’t you just feel the relief? + +I find myself, having been “given the all clear” still in mental turmoil, as if all those thoughts and worries are still there and just aren’t sure where to go. + +Does any one else struggle with letting go of these worries even after they “resolve”? + +Any tips for getting there faster? (I am currently on anti depressants to help cope with anxiety).",Anxiety +52415,Scared of memory loss I am 18 and have anxiety about getting Alzheimer’s or dementia. Sometimes I forget little things like what I was about to say and then I panic more and forget even more things. Please give me advice,Anxiety +52416,"How do I deal with sounding nervous on the phone? I recently got a job where I am now working in an office. I recently have worked in an office environment before and had to answer phone calls, and did not experience the amount of anxiety that I am experiencing now. I believe it’s because now I have to follow a script and make sure I provide certain information and hit certain benchmarks etc. I’ve noticed that I have a lot more anxiety and stumble on my words and give wrong information and I just want to know how I can handle that and deal with it? + +This is a new job. I’ve only been here for about two weeks and maybe I’m being too hard on myself but I really want to provide the best service and show my employers that they made a good choice, so what should I do? + +Have any or do any of you guys work in an office and or working on call-center? I would love your guys advice. + +Thxxx",Anxiety +52417,Fear and feeling of passing out I always have the constant fear of passing out and have health anxiety and panic disorder. I went to the urgent care the other day and all the test turned out normal. I then went to a therapist yesterday and she prescribed me Prozac and Lorazepam( as needed). Has anyone else ever struggled with this and how long does it take to get through it?,Anxiety +52418,"Anyone know how I can get over this? Ever since I was in 3rd grade I was never able to do presentations due to me just standing there in fear, I still can't even talk doing presentations or reading out loud in front of people.One time I even started crying in the bathroom just because someone asked me my name and i panicked.",Anxiety +52419,"Insomnia Anxiety & Stress Right so for a few weeks everytime I try going sleep my heart is pounding due to anxiety and then as I'm falling asleep I'm gasping for breath and anxious sensation kicks in and also getting hyponic jerks at the same time. Can anyone relate + +Basically as I'm falling asleep some anxiety anxious sensation kicks in and I gasp for a breath with a hyponic jerk. My anxiety and stress is bad. + +It all started in January due to health anxiety and over time it's gotten worse and now it's moved on to sleep anxiety aswell. So I'm getting anxiety because I'm wondering how to go sleep.",Anxiety +52420,"Does anybody else feel a light (quite annoying) pain under their left rib sometimes??? This started a few days ago, I’m not sure if it’s just anxiety or if it’s something I need to get checked out. I think it might be my spleen?",Anxiety +52421,15m and trying to quit cigs i started because of my anxiety I was rushed to the hospital a couple months ago because of me smoking weed and i couldn't breathe so i decided to switch to cigs/cigarettes and its way better but im trying to quit,Anxiety +52422,Anyone used Abilify for anxiety before? Doctor has me on Prozac 20mg but I’ve only been on it a week and now she’s adding abilify and lowering my Xanax dose from 2mg extended release a day to 1mg (meaning I’ll only be getting .25 every 5 hours or so.,Anxiety +52423,"Help for when your anxiety turns physical? I've had panic attacks and such, but one thing that's a bit more off and on is how anxiety affects my stomach. When I had daily stomach pains in elementary school that were unexplained - it now makes sense that it was definitely anxiety brewing. + +I'm going through a period right now where my stomach is just revolting against me. I have the urge to go just about all day every day, and will sometimes go 2-4 times a day (when my usual is once a day), plus it's now usually loose, which wasn't an issue before. + +The only thing I've found to kind of help is Tazo Zen tea. It does ease the stomach upset a bit, but I also can't drink THAT much of it before making myself nauseous/even more sick. How does everyone deal with this in terms of their anxiety? I only have this issue on weekdays when I have work, I'm usually normal on weekends, so it's obviously the anxiety. I just feel tortured by my stomach right now. I also meditate, which only helps for me while I'm actually doing it, so the anxiety comes right back as soon as I open my work computer, basically. + +Anything soothing for the stomach would be great... although I will say, I am currently dieting (wedding in June) and trying to stick to low-point foods/drinks on WW.",Anxiety +52424,,Anxiety +52425,Does your anxiety affects your self confidence? I found out that in times where my social anxiety was really bad this would also heavily influence my own self confidence and self worth. I would beat myself up for everything I did which made it even harder to overcome my social anxiety. What do you think about this?,Anxiety +52426,"Anxiety and hopeless Hello thank you for taking time to read my post, I suffer with severe anxiety and depression it started 5 years ago out of the blue. + +I had some success with medication(prozac) for 3 straight years I was back to my normal self completely free of anxiety and enjoying life, but it resurfuced I have been trying different anti-depressants[SNRIS] had a little success but since August 2022 my mother had severe covid nearly died from it my anxiety and depression went crazy ever since none of the SNRIS are working everytime they try to increase a dose I get worse very bad depression and awful side effects even when I leave it 4 - 8 weeks. + +I've been like a guinea pig for the last 6 months and it's been hell I feel hopeless and that I can't possibly go on like this I don't even know what to say to the Dr anymore. + +Has anyone had similar experiences? Any opinions or advice going forward would be very much appreciated. + +Many thanks!",Anxiety +52427,"What was your longest spell of anxiety? Since a stomach issue and other health issues in december, i've been going through a nasty spell of agraphobia and anxiety, for 3 months, i've dropped all my hobbies, stopped going out and am stuck at home or working at home. I hate it, I am anxious everyday and cannot do anything atm. + +What was the longest you guys went through this, and how did you fight it?",Anxiety +52428,Anxiety about adopting a cat I’m in the shelter now and I’m about to do a personal meet with a couple cats. And tbh my heart fell to my knee caps. I want a pet but I’m so anxious … feel like i will be a terrible owner.,Anxiety +52429,"There is so much quackery surrounding anxiety treatments. Outside of prescription drugs, what has worked for you? I see a lot of sites pointing to Vitamin B Complex helping, but at the pharmacy there is an entire row full of ""we don't need FDA approval because we know it doesn't do anything anyway"" type of pills. + +So, what have you found actually worked for you?",Anxiety +52430,WHY DOES ANXIETY HAVE SO MANY RANDOM ASS SYMPTOMS From panic attacks to hyperventilation to chest pains to racing thoughts to dizzyness to lightheadedness to afraid of leaving the house to burning hands? I fucking hate this shit so much. If you got panic attacks and anxiety from weed pleaseeeee share your thoughts on destroying this disease i want to leave my house again i want to mingle with people again i want to be able to get on my fucking computer and do normal shit that everyone does again rather than wrapping myself in my bed sheets all day everyday and taking meds,Anxiety +52431,Sudden paranoid feeling that I have never experienced in 10 years living with anxiety disorder Wondering if anyone has had a similar experience whilst having an anxiety disorder where they felt a sudden paranoid feeling. I was trying to fall asleep at night and switched off my lights. All of a sudden I felt this weird panic and paranoid feeling that there might be some supernatural creatures (like a ghost) in my room. I was eventually able to convince myself that its an irrational thought but was scared for a few minutes. I am on therapy and escitalopram.,Anxiety +52432,"I need help with quitting job This week, I started a construction job I wasn't 100% sure about. +My coworkers and supervisors are nice people but the job isn't what I expected. + +Some tasks were understated when I applied for the job and in the interview but the tasks actually require a significant amount of my daily effort. + +Also I'm underpaid relative to what I was paid in my previous job as well as no paid break. However, the job is 30 minutes from my house so cheaper public transportation. + +So because they're nice to me, patient, and welcoming I feel very uncomfortable telling them I'll quit even though the job contract says neither party has to give notice. + + +Also, I've always been an agency worker and the idea of having to give 2-3 weeks notice provides endless anxiety. In an agency job I could just phone or text and say I won't return the next day. + +I have no experience telling my supervisor I'm leaving a job",Anxiety +52433,"A lot of anxiety over this so I need advice please. The following is a text I really wanna send this girl in my class. I like her a lot she is really pretty, I have no idea how she feels about me, but the past two girls I’ve been talking to I never was really upfront about how I felt in the slightest and they both have found their own relationships and it really made me angry with myself for not being honest. Granted I’m not actually saying I like her in the text or anything but I feel it would be implied lol. But any advice would help. We send each other homework and help each other in class but that’s it. She is really awesome. + + + + +I really don’t mean for this to be awkward lol but it probably is anyway. I was trying to tell you in class yesterday without everyone hearing and turning around, but I thought you looked really beautiful and I just chickened out and didn’t say it for some stupid reason. But it’s been eating at me because I’d rather feel like an idiot who made someone feel good about themselves than an idiot who didn’t ❤️. + +Really trying not to be weird I’m just trying to get better with this stuff and saying how I feel. But I recognize I probably made it weird.",Anxiety +52434,"Anybody feel this? My cardiophobia has been on the ups and downs recently. I have felt the occasional ectopics before but usually happens when I’m anxious. Last night I was in bed and was good just browsing my phone when all of sudden I felt this weird feeling, instead of a double beat or hard thump (ectopics) it felt like my heart had stalled or stopped and then it felt like this weird empty feeling in my chest that made me jump up scared and then I felt a surge of fear and adrenaline. The actual feeling only lasted about one or two seconds. I had this Same thing happen one other time while being in the car, like I feel a dropping feeling in my chest like when you get bad news and then I felt the same feeling I explained^^ afterwards … Anyone else felt this before?",Anxiety +52435,"Help with accepting anxiety I'm 30 years old male from México. + +Since mid january almost to today, I'm been having everything, chest pains, chills, heartburn and I feel the pain in the chest, arms, neck and sometime in the teeth because of clenching my jaw, also burping and yawning like crazy. + +I've done 3 electrocardiograms in lest than a month and everything came out ok, no hypertrophy, not ischemia, nothing, a healthy heart. + +I've been into ER three times, the second the most severe I had everything, chest pain, brain zap, stomach felt like it collapse and when I got connected into a machine and they told me that I had nothing, I was fine, my lungs where ok and my heart was ok, when they told me that, all the feelings went dissapearing slowly to feel normal again. And this happend the the third time, when I got severe chest pain, the ambulance came to My house and the paramedics connected me into an electrocardiogram machine and told me that I was ok, My heart was ok only that I need to check my pressure because was a bit high and as I was ok they didn't take me to a hospital, I went to ER anyways to check my pressure and again I was ok a bit high but nothing to hospitalize me. + +In the end I've been with múltiple doctors even a friend that is also a doctor and they told me the same, I'm at zero risk from a heart attack right now, I'm physically healthy, my collesterol levels are ok, a bit high in the ldl side, but everyone told me that is nothing to worry about. +And in the last electro with the chest pain, something should have come out if it was really the heart and that I wouldn't be able to talk or walk as I was everytime. My friend even told me that I wouldn't be there with him as with younger people it tend to be more painfull and more fatal. + +So in the end the only thing I have left is to accept my anxiety, but I don't know how, every time I want to believe is anxiety, something new comes out and make me doubt about my heart health, I'm literally going crazy. I also being doing things like running and long walks to see if I get unusally tired but that never is the case. + +What advice can you give me to deal with this, have any of you have pass for something similar?? + +Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post, but I wanted maybe to vent a little",Anxiety +52436,"Medication combo stressing me out I’ve been on trintellix + buspirone for about 7 months now and it’s been working great! However I’ve been prescribed atenolol for my physical anxiety and I’m worried that the medications may interact or be too much for me, does anyone have experience with this combo or something similar?",Anxiety +52437,"I think edibals destroyed my mind So I was a frequent Marijuana smoker and one day I decided to try edibals I made the mistake of taking 300mgs and it sent me in to complete panic and anxiety attack that was 3 months ago now I have extreme anxiety I had to sleep with my mom for over a month cause I would get anxiety from it if she took a shower I would get anxiety if I smelt a candle like everything gives me anxiety now and I've been suffering from bad derilitzation I'm only 15 and now I can't stay home by myself or even wear necklaces cause it gives me anxiety and making me think i cant breathe it has sent me into a really deep and dark depression worse than I have ever been in before and I don't know what to do I'm so scared I tried to tell my mom but she just says she's gonna try and get me help but just brushes it off later saying ""I thought you were over it "" my dad lives in another state and he just thinks I need to get back into in person school but the whole reason i went online was because of my anxiety even before the edibals so he's no help. I don't know what to do I'm scared ill never go back to normal",Anxiety +52438,"I have a golden opportunity. Fear and anxiety takes hold of me. Hello everybody. + +I'm about to get the opportunity to go on an all-expenses paid (totally free) one week trip to the Netherlands with colleagues. But I'm afraid to go in case anxiety takes over me being away from home. + +Almost two years ago I had my first bout of anxiety for no apparent reason. One day it came and took hold of me and I spent more than a month in a daze without being able to leave the house or walk down the street... + +Hopefully I managed to ""get over it"", but I feel that this period/stage marked my life as always. Now I live in fear and things that I liked to do before I have stopped doing or I don't do them for fear that it will make me anxious. + +Among them, I always planned to travel as much as possible with family and friends the day I had a stable job and recurring income. Well, now I am in that situation but I do it for fear of getting anxiety outside the house, not being able to control it and the situation exploding. + +I still remember the panic attacks I used to get for no reason (I had no reason to) and I shudder.... It was the worst situation and time of my life. I feel that it has marked me forever. + +My life is highly limited and I'm quite young...",Anxiety +52439,"Does anyone else who works heavily with spreadsheets sometimes misread things and feel like they're going crazy? I know this isn't strictly anxiety related but it loops back, trust me. My job deals heavily with job tracking on spreadsheets and recently I've had several instances where I spot something, go to point it out to someone, and it's gone.. or its just different than I thought. And then I look like a moron. And that triggers my anxiety because now I feel like everyone thinks I'm an idiot. I don't know what's going on. Its been happening to me for weeks. I'll be asked ""why did you date this for last week?"" and I look and I'm like I don't fucking know, but there's my name, and there's the date, and it's obviously wrong! Or someone asked ""Was this requested in 2022?"" And I swear I looked it up and found it! So I asked someone about it, and then it was gone. Like it never existed. Poof! Vanished. Did I somehow develop dyslexia at 38? Am I losing it? What's going on?? I feel like I look like such an idiot to my colleagues all of a sudden and I worry about my future.",Anxiety +52440,"Job anxiety Hi everyone! +I'm writing here because I have pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks and recently I got a job. I've been on the job for about a week now. Even tough I don't see myself on this job in the future and I don't really like it , I really need money so I had to work until I find what I like. While It hasn't been terrible I get anxiety attacks almost daily, sometimes there is nothing to trigger them, they just come. + +If anyone here is in simmilar situation please tell me how you manage? I really don't want to embarass myself but sometimes I can't control all that anxiety. I take xanax sometimes but I don't want to do it daily.",Anxiety +52441,"What should I do? Gaming Anxiety I'm currently playing a video game, but long story short, my question is: Although it's unreasonable and extremely unlikely I'm worried that my account is going to be deleted and it's a 100+ hour game. So, I can either just cut my losses (Only 5 hours in) and start a new account, giving in to the anxious thoughts and discomfort. Or keep going feeling bad playing this account I'm currently playing, but could maybe get over at some point? But my basic question is, to get over anxiety do I have to push through it when it's really hard? Or let my self off sometimes? + +&#x200B; + +I'm had gaming anxiety for about a year and a half, it's really affecting my enjoyment with them, I always feel that my gameplay experience is being tarnished in some way, example: Feeling that I'm wasting it feeling anxious, The game is going to bug out on me causing me to have to restart etc. + +&#x200B; + +Thanks in advance!",Anxiety +52442,"Fainted during a blood test last year, need some advice Hi All, + +I never had an issue with needles, no fear whatsoever. I got bloodtests regulary. I had a bloodtest last year, and I'm very pale and the nurse had issues finding a vein. Anyway, she just stuck it in and said "" oops "" I felt a sharp pain up my left arm, she must have pierced a nerve. I felt light headed and sick and next thing I woke up a few minutes later lay down on the bed, I passed out + + +It was the weirdest experience as it's never happened before. I need to have another blood test soon and I keep putting it off out of fear of this happening again. Are there any meds that can help? + +&#x200B; + +I have diazepam and propranolol, not sure which one would help. My doctor gave me diazepam before I was last supposed to have one, but I cancelled. any advice would be greatly appreciated",Anxiety +52443,,Anxiety +52444,"Are there any natural remedies for anxiety? Hello people, I wanted to know if there's any natural remedies for anxiety? Suggestions would help.",Anxiety +52445,"My mom triggers my anxiety when driving I’m practicing driving from my road test coming up soon. When I’m driving in the car with my mom, she makes me feel nervous and anxious. Every time I make mistake, she makes this mad face and cross her arms. It make my heart rush. When I get very nervous and anxious, I can throw up or have a seizure. I told my my mom that she triggers my anxiety. She was mad and started yelling at me because she was one of triggers to my anxiety. For now I’m practicing with my new driving teacher. The teacher is relax and cool.",Anxiety +52446,,Anxiety +52447,"Going to be a horrible day, how do I deal? Tomorrow i will have to do booking and phonecalls at work, i hate it, but I have to. It gives me so much anxiety, makes my brain all foggy and i cant think straight. I stumble in my words and i worry I sound just stressed and stupid. I also dont know the answers to anything yet. Does anyone have any tips on how i can best prepare for it? And how to stop my brain from stressing out and shutting down? It's probably just gonna be tomorrow, so all i need is to get through that day.",Anxiety +52448,"are those anxiety attacks? throwaway acc. a little bit about myself i’m a 23 F, bi in a very religious country, i have 9-5 job, shit family but i’m really used to it. + +after several suicidal attempts my last one was 9 months ago, not gonna go into details of how i did it but i had a very bad inflammation and stomach ache! did go to the hospital for “being sick for no reason”, docs told me that my test all came back fine and i should just rest (not really sure how but i was glad). + +in the next days i had the worst chest pain i’ve ever experienced and i definitely thought i was gonna have a heart attack and die, one day it got really bad and my heart raced like crazy and i was shaking but no one was around and after a couple of minutes i was ok. i guess it was a panic attack (never had one before) so i brushed it off like nothing happened. + + +in the next months i have been having these weird chest pain i thought i had a problem with my heart, but as days went by i noticed that the pain gets so much worst when i think about certain things. i’ve done so much to get rid of the pain yet it seems like it only gets worst. + +i was watching a video on youtube the other day about a medical case and when they started to describe the symptoms that the patient had I HAD THE WORST CHEST PAIN SO FAR!! my heart was racing and my chest tightened i couldn’t breathe! + +googled it and got an “anxiety test”, idk what to do. it really fucked me up i thought i was crazy. + +p.s: every time i get the chest pain i would google my symptoms and only get “HEART ATTACK” and “IMMEDIATELY CALL 911”, it makes the pain way worst…. + +i need tips on how to control my anxiety please!",Anxiety +52449,Heart racing making me super anxious/panicky Anyone that can chat with me? My hearts been racing for a bit over some stress and it’s causing me pretty bad anxiety. 😓,Anxiety +52450,"I hate getting anxiety attacks over small shit. so, just a second ago my phone stopped randomly working. I could open apps but couldn’t scroll or do anything once I was in the app. + +I got super anxious and was at the verge of TEARS because Im a fucking idiot that was like +“oh god now my phones not working now I need to save up money so I can buy a new phone because this phone will never work again!!!” + +I hate that I get scared for such small things, cause I’m tired of getting anxiety attacks over my charger not working for half a second, thinking I’ve dropped my keys only to find out they’re in my back pocket or something. + +It’s horrible and I want it to stop, right now.",Anxiety +52451,"Leave of absence at work Hello all! + +I've been working for my sister's friends business for over a year now. + +In the span of the last 6 months, I have had 3 major anxiety episodes of a week or longer. + +Im having another bout of debilitating anxiety and decided that a leave of absence would be best for me to get better or help if I end up needing it. + +I still feel guilty as I've been out a week already, but I know I shouldn't feel guilty. + +Am I doing the right thing?",Anxiety +52452,"I’m freaking out idk if this will make sense but I always have these moments where I’m really aware of myself and my body and then I start thinking of myself and past self overall and I feel like I don’t know myself and like I’m in a strangers body it’s freaking me out and I’m having so much anxiety. + +advice ???",Anxiety +52453,"meditation and overthinking to be honest, i’ve only tried meditating twice now. but i’ve seen amazing results. + +the first time i did it for 10 minutes, and immediately after i felt calm enough to send an email to my boss that i was anxious about sending. + +about 10 mins ago i started it again and i’m honestly so surprised with the result. i feel like i can focus on my university goals and can stop myself from scrolling endlessly. all of the voices in my head disappear and are replaced with what feels like 1 good “leading” voice. + +it makes me feel a lot happier knowing i can dedicate 10 minutes of my day to just breathing in absolute silence without having to stress over anything in that time. hopefully in the future this can do more amazing things",Anxiety +52454,"Omega 3 for anxiety I have been yawning and trying to catch my breath for the past few hours always caused by anxiety and stress from working out. It honestly feels horrible like I can’t catch my breath. And no I don’t have asthma…I’ve checked every type of doctor and seen a lung specialist when my anxiety was the worst during covid. + +I decided to have a healthy protein filled snack just now and ate a whole pack of sardines which was 44g in protein. It also had about 3000mg of omega 3 in the 1 pack/2servings and now I feel extremely calm, relaxed, and can breathe normal. Thinking of taking at least 2000mg amount of omega everyday to combat anxiety now as it seems to work extremely well. Has anyone else had this experience??",Anxiety +52455,"Anybody else get intense left chest pain from panic attack? That also radiates to left shoulder blade ? After tests and every thing coming back normal, my doctor told me they are panic attacks . Can’t believe you can get intense left side chest pain like that.",Anxiety +52456,"Scared I have MS Hey, I have been having really bad health anxiety for the past week in a half. Pain started in my right index finger. I thought it was because I write and type a lot so I started to rest it. Over the past week, my finger has gotten better but other parts of my body have really been hurting. One day, my shoulders were killing. One night I woke up and my back was killing. The next day, my legs were in so much pain. Now I am just feeling a bit of pain in my back. I am not really active and nothing traumatic happened to me either. I think I just have anxiety in general but these pains are really freaking me out. + +I also got blood work done today so I'm waiting for the results. I shouldn't have, but I have been searching up my symptoms online and it kind of sounds like MS, with pain moving around my body. I have never had any medical issue like this before and I am kind of freaking out. I am also in my last semester of university and I just want to be done. I just needed to rant lol",Anxiety +52457,"Diagnosed with ""Anxiety""? Is it a real thing or comment about struggles? I got my discharge letter from child mental health services and it had the usual things in. But it then had a paragraph saying ""it's important to note the patients diagnosis of ... And anxiety"" a different psych told me the anxiety is from a different disorder I disagree but still it seems weird I wasn't told or discussed with about it. + +And only ""anxiety"" a close family member has GAD and another has social anxiety but never heard of it like how they wrote it. I don't really care what label is put on me for myself but my new mental health team is going to get this letter and prescribe medication/therapy accordingly. As I do really struggle with anxiety I'd like to get help for it but this seems like it's not a legitimate things and just a passing comment. + +If it helps they removed eupd from the original psychiatrist and added ""anxiety"" is it just people don't like diagnosing bpd so used this as a substitute? I live in care so although I don't like having the label bpd it does give my support workers different expectations (emotional disregulatuion, abandonment issues, destructive behaviour). + +I've emailed both psychiatrist but it seems as I'm not their patient amymore they won't respond lol",Anxiety +52458,"How to get over embarrassment over having an anxiety attack at work? So the other day I had a full blown anxiety attack at work. All of the sudden my heart started racing, my whole body was shaking so bad, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was terrified. The fact that this was happening at work made it 1000% worse. I was with a coworker, and had to run to the bathroom for like 10 minutes to try to calm down. I barely calmed down, but went back out to help customers. I was probably obviously shaking like a lunatic, but I did my best to work through it. I was honest with my coworker and told them what was going on. + +This is a job that I've been doing on and off for several years. Nothing bad happened, but my life has been chaotic lately and it just snowballed right then and there. How do I get over the embarrassment of this happening not only in front of my coworker but customers too? I still don't know if my coworker told my boss, but if they had, I'm sure my boss would have reached out by now. The last time I had an anxiety attack this bad was about 2.5 years ago. So it's not a common occurrence, but when I go back to work I'm afraid of it happening again, or about repeat customers commenting on it. I just feel so ashamed and like a total loser. I'm in my mid twenties, this shouldn't be happening. I want to hide in bed forever.",Anxiety +52459,"Evening Scaries? Hi Friends- I'm struggling with the evening scaries. + +I am an Aphant, inner monologue only, zero visual abilities, fact-based recall exclusively. + +I'm struggling in the evenings. Typically it would be called something like the Sunday Scaries I'm experiencing. However, it is every evening now. + +To my knowledge, I do not dream at all in any traditional sense. I'm feeling a physical, visceral reaction to going to bed. There is an overwhelming anxiety to it that is almost paralyzing. It has been happening for a while, but now I'm ready to mention it to yall. + +Once I get to bed, I fall asleep, no problem. It is getting there. It's terrifying. For some reason, my body refuses to go. I have anxiety, but this doesn't feel like worse. It feels like something else, a sense of dread or fear. + +What I've tried: cut caffeine out, eat a proper supper, and have recent blood work done. Breathing exercises, tea etc. I'm doing the things I can think of to help. + +But I can't shake it. Everyone's knee-jerk is to visualize me somewhere else, and well..... I can't. + +Any feedback would be incredibly appreciated! + +Right now I’m sticking to a Xanax, unisom, and melatonin to get me to bed.",Anxiety +52460,"I can feel a panic attack coming on I’ve been dealing with increased heart rate, heart pounding, & shaking for the past half hour. I’m home alone with Covid and I don’t want to have a panic attack alone. Please tell me that I’ll be okay.",Anxiety +52461,"Is anyone else's anxiety fueling your depression because nothing seems to work? Everyone says try drinking more water. Doesn't work. Try changing your diet. Doesn't work. Deep breathing exercises? Doesn't work. **Try exercising**. Kinda works but it comes back shortly after my workout. L-Theanine? Heard great things about it. Makes my anxiety worse. Oh what about Magnesium Glycinate? Makes my anxiety worse. The only thing that helps me personally other than prescription drugs which I am trying to stay away from is hiking in nature on a sunny day. But even then, as soon as I leave, it comes back. I know everyone's symptoms are different but shortness of breath is the main symptom I experience. Even saying a sentence these days I feel out of breathe. I wish I can destroy the parts of my brain that trigger anxiety every second I'm alive.",Anxiety +52462,"Anxious about wisdom teeth removal For context, I'm 17, I have nasty anxiety, and next Wednesday I'm getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth out. I'm going under general anesthesia and this will be my first time. I've been pretty anxious about the whole thing but as the days creep closer it's been getting worse. I talked to my mom, who is a long time nurse, about my anxieties and she gave me plenty of reassurance but it's still just freaking me out. + +I'm more worried about the anesthesia than the surgery itself/recovery. Not worried so much about not waking up but the whole idea of anesthesia as a whole just scares me. Something about falling asleep immediately and not being in control has always made me anxious. I also know all those dumb videos are mostly staged but I'm worried about not being able to control my mouth once I wake up, not sure how loopy it'll make me. + +So yeah, that's it. if you guys have any advice or anything I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.",Anxiety +52463,"I'm freaking out All my worst fears have been realized. I have had strep throat (confirmed by doctor) for 3 weeks and now I just tested positive for covid (rapid antigen). I spent the night at my partner's and now I'm terrified I got them sick too. They just got over covid a month ago. I would never forgive myself if I got them sick. +I am staying in an air bnb rn because I've just lost my apartment and I'm supposed to catch a flight on friday to move back in with my family who lives an ocean away. +I don't know how this is going to affect my flight and my mental health. I feel physically and mentally ill. I just don't know what to do.",Anxiety +52464,"Zoloft is making my life 10x better I switched from Lexapro to Zoloft and the difference is unbelievable. I am no longer yawning and tired every day, I am no longer gaining weight. I am no longer having panic attacks (fingers crossed)! + +I never thought switching to Zoloft would be this impactful. I have virtually no side effects, other than a few days of nausea when I started.",Anxiety +52465,"Not liking seeing others touch others Seeing people touch other people makes me so uncomfortable or mad. I just don't like thinking about how people hold hands or lean on each other, especially when i know there's some sort of feeling behind those interactions. I don't mind when people touch me unless its a special cercomstance but seeing others for example my friends touch each other just ruins my mood, I don't want to be thats guy that ruins the cive while hanging out, any tips?",Anxiety +52466,"I cant function anymore, my cognitive abilities are much worse than back in the days. i am emotionally unstable and cry a lot. long story short: + +for a better understanding, i harmed my body and soul so many times because of untreaded trauma ( i think), i drink booze on the weekends since my 18th birthday, and later some party drugs came in. + +if i would have a glimpse of which pain i will live through back in the days i would have never touched any drug. + +i had so many breakdowns in the last 3 years and it feels like i will never be the person again i was. + +with the booze and the drugs came panic attacks and anxiety disorders. + +i am not the same anymore and dont know if this ever will pass. + +i feel miserable, no energy, cant laugh anymore, its like being buried alive. + +how did some of you guys survived this and are your cognitive functions and general well being better? + +i just try with all in my power to get healthy mentally and body. + +im thankful for every help out there, thank you for taking time to read my story.",Anxiety +52467,can I talk to anyone 😭😭😭😭,Anxiety +52468,"asking someone to repeat themselves is anxiety inducing so today i went to get my nose pierced. the guy piercing my nose spoke at a low volume at times, so it was hard to hear what he was saying to me. there were two instances where i felt very anxious after asking him to repeat himself. + +first he said something to me while i was signing something. i said “hmm?” and stared at me for a few seconds before saying nevermind. from that moment on, i was anxious, thinking about him talking more and me not being able to hear him. + +he did end up talking again. he asked me which side i wanted the piercing on. i said “hmm” three times because i just couldn’t hear him. he stared at me for a few seconds before saying it one more time, slowly and in a seemingly annoyed tone. + +i was so ready to leave the shop. he said to come back if i had any issues with my piercing.. i really hope i don’t have any. i’m already thinking about me not being able to hear him again and him staring me down while looking annoyed. + +i really feel like i annoyed the guy but i didn’t mean to. i just couldn’t hear him well at times. this happened at 3pm. it’s 1am rn and it’s still bothering me..",Anxiety +52469,"Morning anxiety When is have Morning anxiety it sucks so bad. You wake up with your heart jumping out of your chest, you sit there and just shake for awhile and you feel like your whole day is spoiled. At least for me. Anyone else?",Anxiety +52470,"I had an anxiety attack and tried to write my feelings in the form of a poem. The Test + +As the test looms closer, my heart starts to race, +It gets difficult to breath, and I'm not ready to face. +I try to focus on studying, but my thoughts are a haze, +Time passes as I stare the page, and now I don't have enough days. + +I have set some expectations, and I can't see myself fail, +In a state of denial, isn't there anything I can do to pervail. +I push myself harder, but the pressure starts to assail. +I wanna just give up, but a part of me doesn't let me abstain. + +The pen feels so heavy, and I can't sustain, +My hands are trembling, my confidence is waning. +I'm incompetent, or maybe this exam is worth nothing, +It doesn't matter, right now it's the only thing for which I'm livin' +Who knows what'll happen if I fail,It's not easy living as someone not winning. + +Yeah and then I failed in 2 subjects out of 5",Anxiety +52471,"anxiety response What is the best response to anxiety, worry, symptoms etc? I watch a good video from shaan kassam that we should do nothing nor trying to fix, fear, fight, focus, and be frustrated.",Anxiety +52472,"Any medication that is not addicting like hydroxoline? Antidepressants are a fucking nightmare for me and I'm taking a break from them. I'm currently listed as severe anxiety, depression, ect. I'm going to start on hydroxoline 25mg since 10mg did 0 effect on me. I'd like to have a list on medicine that isn't like antidepressants where I can have withdrawals if I stop.",Anxiety +52473,"Time for my checkup. Very anxious after I had a cancer scare last check up. Tips? Trigger warning: talk of cancer + +I’m 30f and I like to think I’ve somewhat defeated my anxiety. I used to have awful panic attacks daily and I’ve been panic attack free for months, I can’t remember my last one. + +But as my checkup approaches my anxiety is starting to return and im noticing my techniques are working less and less. + +My last check up in October seemed totally fine, then I got a call 2 weeks later saying something wasn’t right and it might be cancer. After 6 weeks of waiting and biopsies, it wasn’t cancer, but was the most advanced stage of precancer. I had surgery and got the “all clear for now.” I will have to be checked every 6 months for 3 years. + +I got a call to remind me that I need to come in soon and I’m just sort of freaking out. Knowing I’ll be waiting around for 2 weeks just expecting to see that number pop up and tell me it’s back or it’s cancer this time. + +Any advice for when your anxiety is around something very real, but also probably not likely (my doctor thinks it won’t come back and that I’ll be ok).",Anxiety +52474,"Ativan Does anyone else suffer long enough with anxiety symptoms that they also feel shame for having to take a benzo even when it’s taken as prescribed / not very often . +I look at it as a personal failure I couldn’t ride out my symptoms of anxiety on my own . I just beat myself up no matter what .",Anxiety +52475,"Why do I randomly leap up? I get sensations sometimes in my head where I just leap up and feel wrong? I have health anxiety, is this something else?? Anyone relate?",Anxiety +52476,"Tired of my anxiety being a burden to others I feel like this is a safe place to vent... + +When I have anxiety episodes (big or small) I get so embarrassed anymore about it. I don't want to put a damper on someone else's day when they are trying to understand why I feel the way that I do. It's also getting harder and harder for me to describe my feelings and reasons for my anxiety. I just wish that I could turn my feelings off, even if it were just for a day. + +Okay, venting over. Let's hope for better days ahead. :/",Anxiety +52477,"Recommendations for supplements I want to find natural supplements that calm down anxiety, I tried Lion's Mane Mushroom but it gave me terrible vertigo and I had to stop it. I've had anxiety my entire life but I've never been to a psychiatrist and I don't like the amount of side effects that anxiety meds give. My anxiety is severe. I'd appreciate it if you can recommend any supplements that would make it at least a little better. I have hand tremors that make me throw things and my sleep quality is terrible.",Anxiety +52478,"Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have a hold on my anxiety. I obsess a lot over having a passion. It's really dumb, I know. But I think it's just my brain trying to find a sense of direction after a really bad depressive episode. + +It makes me go in constant circles, trying to figure out what activity is going to magically put me on the fast track to happiness. Even though I know things are not this simple, my brain still thinks of things in this way. + +It's really stressful to worry about what activities to do and what will make you happy in the long run instead of just living life. That's all any of us can do, no matter how much we overthink. + +I am upping my lexapro dosage, so hopefully that helps. I know it takes a month or so for SSRIs to kick in, and I have only been on my new dosage for a week and a half, but I don't feel much better. I have a therapist too, and she hasn't been much help, even though she tries. + +I have just been struggling with this weird obsession for so long and I have been through so many cycles I just don't think I will ever break out of this mindset.",Anxiety +52479,Recommendation Hi I am actually writing to help a friend who’s really struggling with anxiety and depression. Currently on pristiq (depression) but has been recommended lorazepam (for anxiety) which she doesn’t want to take. Are there any other combos that help with anxiety? Thanks a bunch.,Anxiety +52480,"How do I keep myself from constantly coming into conclusion base on my intuition? Hi, I'm Peter, 20. Recently I've been thinking of bad things happening base on my intuition. Most of these bad things are related to my relationship with the people around me. I'm constantly thinking that they have something against me or they're betraying me. This started last year, 2022 after the restriction, because of the pandemic, loosened. I had a group of friends that I was with and had a few drinks together, had fun, and typical stuff you do with your friends. After a fee months, I felt something was wrong. Even though they are not showing it, I feel it that they don't like me. I confronted them about it, and they said ""no"". But few days after that, someone told me what they've been saying about me. I felt betrayed and sad. After that unfortunate incident, I've been having trust issues and I trust my intuition more than ever. + +Now, I'm talking to someone. He's sweet and gentle. He works hard and is independent. He talks to me even though he's tired, I really feel that he's someone to keep. But today, I just felt that something's wrong. He called me but he didn't speak. I called him back but didn't answer. I texted him what's wrong, if he's okay. He answered me ""yupp"". That was it, not even an explanation. I don't know if I should tell this guy that what he did triggered my anxiety, and I suddenly felt that he's unto something. I don't want to think much about it because I actually like him. + +Should I tell him after his shift or I should keep it to myself and see what the future holds for me?",Anxiety +52481,"can hangovers last days? so this weekend i got drunk friday and saturday and today tuesday i feel worse than i did sunday + +feel dizzy like im about pass out when i stand, feel sick, just feel very weird + +not sure if my anxiety is making it worse or not but can they last for days later after 2 days of heavy drinking?",Anxiety +52482,anxiety makes me so socially awkward I end up saying things awkwardly or I give off a weird vibe when really it's just my anxiety that's making me so socially awkward and it's driving me crazy how I can't just be chill and like myself around people,Anxiety +52483,"what’s happening? i’ve always known i have pretty bad anxiety, and i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in the past year. + +today a pretty scary situation happened and i’ve started realizing that i lose memory of events that cause me a lot of anxiety, or i’ll forget a lot of details about them. it happened only two hours ago and i wouldn’t be able to explain the situation to someone if they were to ask me about it now. + +i know i have anxiety but i can’t recall times of feeling incredibly anxious. i know it happens because i know how it feels, i just don’t remember why i was feeling it. + +i was wondering if anyone experienced anything similar, and if someone knows what might be going on? thanks.",Anxiety +52484,"I can't do anything in school. I have not been diagnosed with anxiety or anything yet but I have a problem. +I can't really do anything in school becouse if ONE off thing happens, I freak the fuck out. + +Right now I am laying in bed becouse I am not able to go. In school today we would've had this weird thing where we go and get to know what it's like to work. +I have have a burning feeling in my chest all the time. + +Any advice?",Anxiety +52485,"How often do you rewatch your favorite movies? I’ve fallen asleep my favorite movie every night since a traumatic event thats been causing me extreme anxiety. Rewatching movies makes me feel in control, distracts me from my anxiety and comforts me. Does anyone else do this to help cope?",Anxiety +52486,Can not sleep Have been having a terrible anxiety day thinking i’m feeling it in my chest. I’ve been having terrible health anxiety and it’s just making it work. What’s your best tips i feel like not sleeping is just making it worse.,Anxiety +52487,"Tapering I’ve been on Lexapro since March 5th. On March 19th I started taking 10 mg. I can’t take these side effects, my anxiety has significantly worsened. How do I taper off? Or can I just stop being that it’s only been two weeks? TIA.",Anxiety +52488,"Alternative to propranolol? Hello all! I have a history of asthma and propranolol can cause bronchospasms. + +I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with a first Gen beta blocker or any other medication that has helped with fight or flight response. + +This will not be taken as medical advice, any options would be mentioned with my doctor. I was honestly sad hearing that about propranolol, I thought it would be my miracle.",Anxiety +52489,"Now All we have is now. Not the past not the future, just now",Anxiety +52490,Any agoraphobia success stories? How long did it take you to recover?,Anxiety +52491,"I really need some help with managing my anxiety when it comes to lack of cleanliness Hey everyone. I'm new here. I'm writing this to be very transparent and to ask for help. I don't want to ruin my relationship or participate in toxic communication habits. + +I am finding that my anxiety really acts up when my apartment isn't clean. My husband and I both aren't the best when it comes to doing the dishes as soon as we use them or cleaning up clothes right away. But I feel like I atleast take initiative and try. I feel he usually won't start cleaning on his own unless it's his own stuff or I practically yell at him to. + +I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask my partner to care about taking care of our home. I can't be the only one doing it. I'm honestly losing it because sometimes I get so frustrated and anxious, I do get mad quickly. How do I change this? It's not even like I want to be mad, it just happens because I've reached my limit mentally. I'm not on meds, I wouldn't even know what to ask for. + +I feel like I just don't wanna have to ask him to clean anymore. Why can't he just do it on his own? I don't think I'm asking for a lot and I'm made to feel like a bitch or like I'm lecturing him when I'm all I'm doing is asking me to do some chores. In fact, why do I even have to ask? I feel hopeless. I feel stuck. I can't afford a housekeeper every week right now. + +I can't control him. I just wanna know what I can do to manage my anxiety around this. And please no stupid advice like leave him because we are married. I know this issue can be fixed I just don't know where to start.",Anxiety +52492,"Brintellix - Any GOOD experiences? I'm switching Escitalopram (*+ bupropion*) to Brintellix and I'd really love to hear some good experiences about this pill (if possible). **Nothing bad, please**. I'm already super anxious and nervous about this change.",Anxiety +52493,,Anxiety +52494,Hey guys! Do you relate to this? I would be doing okay then all of a sudden anxiety would just flood and my body was go crazy with adrenaline and brain releasing all chemicals. Then all of a sudden everything stops. Feels like my brain just seizes and stops releasing adrenaline and other chemicals and just goes idle. I feel stuck with a blocked brain that wouldn't get sleepy wouldn't get scared wouldn't do anything. Literally just blocked. It's a weird blank head feeling that would last for days until it gradually feels back to normal again and I would panic for some reason and the brain would go idle again. I don't know how to explain this. Hopefully someone cam relate.,Anxiety +52495,"My progress, how I learned to live and progress with my anxiety. I’ve had anxiety for years, since I was very young, I remember being afraid of everything and having phobias of germs, getting sick, heights, flying, driving, certain foods, etc. I was constantly scared as a child and eventually as I went off to college when I was 16 I slowly learned to live with my anxiety. I tried new things, I slowly came out of my shell. When I hit 34.. everything came to a head, I had gone through a major divorce at 33, lived through COVID under constant fear, I was diagnosed with PCOS, was moving across the country in May and was the heaviest I had ever been May 2022. By August 2022 I had lost 70lbs in almost two months because I was so afraid to eat I was basically crying every single day. I couldn’t eat and refused to, my emetophobia was so strong I could barely move everyday. I was in the ER multiple times, having procedures and CT scans done and no one could find out what was wrong with me. + +It was then that I finally decided that I needed medication, I talked to a psychiatrist for the first time. I felt like a failure, I had been through so much but I couldn’t break this fear and horror of food. Therapy wasn’t helping and I had been so afraid of food that no one could get me to eat more than a bite or two for a whole day. I was prescribed medication because one of its side effects was to rise my appetite, and at first it didn’t work. I felt again, so defeated and exhausted. They put me on a higher dose.. and after a few weeks, I felt hungry. I had cravings again. I felt like finally eating and I was so famished, I finally ate a piece of pizza because the cheese looked so good I couldn’t not eat it. + +September 2022 I decided to start going to the gym, I was scared at first, I only would go in for 20 minutes 3 times a week. I was so weak, I had lost all my muscle starving myself. + +October 2022 I went to the gym for the first time for an hour. I went up to the free weights and was discouraged, but then watched some YouTube videos and started building workouts. I walked my first mile without pain. I was eating 1,800 calories a day. I wasn’t as afraid. + +November 2022 I ate out at a restaurant for the first time in months! I had nachos and they were delicious. I wasn’t afraid! I had my colonoscopy and they found IBS and colitis. I finally had answers to my stomach pains. + +December 2022 I made a big Christmas dinner with my partner and roommate and I ate a full meal! I was now lifting at the gym 5 times a week. + +January 2023 I travelled out of the state on a plane! I ate out almost everyday! I enrolled back into school for my masters. + +February 2023 to now: I workout 5 days a week and I walk 2-3 miles every single day. I keep my body on a routine for my chronic illnesses and I eat a focused healthy diet everyday. + +Some days are still hard, some days have anxiety.. some days my stomach hurts and I have flare ups randomly. But every bad day has five times better ones. I focus on the positive, I try not to be afraid of anything anymore. And even if I am? I remember it can’t hurt me, and I’ll be okay tomorrow. + +I wish everyone the best of luck in your journey and recovery 💜",Anxiety +52496,"really want someone to talk to until I can fall asleep im just having anxiety I don’t know why this is like my 3rd post on here in one day but I don’t have anything else +anything is appreciated",Anxiety +52497,"Weird Eye????? Does anybody have problems with their eyes when they have BAD anxiety or one eye in particular? My left eye ALWAYS feels weird almost like there is a veil over it. I have been the the eye doc and they said their is nothing wrong structure wise but I do have dry eye. I was told today it’s a tension headache. My neck and shoulders are pretty tight and sore as well, but my eyes has been doing this long before the tension. I am starting to freak out pretty bad…..",Anxiety +52498,"possible somniphobia? lately ive been terrified of going to sleep. i dread it all day. my anxiety has always been worse at night, and it would disrupt my sleep quite a bit occasionally, but recently ive been staying up till 2-4am every night. no matter how tired i am, i force myself to stay awake. i dont know why im so afraid of falling asleep now, i used to love sleeping and looked forward to it. its always made me a bit uneasy thinking about how vulnerable and defenseless you are while sleeping, but its never been this bad. + +im always convinced that something bad will happen to me or my pets while im sleeping, or that i'll go to sleep and not wake up in the morning (which not too long ago i would've been completely fine with). i havent had a good nights sleep in almost 2 months now. im so exhausted. it feels like i find something new to worry about almost every day, and those anxious thoughts are always the loudest at night. + +sleep is the last thing i thought i'd ever be afraid of, but here we are i guess.",Anxiety +52499,"Anyone feel very fatigued and out of breath? When i have alot of anxiety for weeks i get so tired from doing literally nothing, just daily tasks etc. I even feel out of breath when not active. Also higher average heart rate, and chest (lungs, heart) feels so sore/fatigued. Anyone been through the same?",Anxiety +52500,"injury and illness fantasies tldr: does anyone else have fantasies about getting sick or injured and others feeling sympathy for you and how do you move past them? + +for as long as i can remember I've always had fantasies about getting injured or sick and having people feel sympathy for me and take care of me. as a little kid when i would play with my toys the stories i made up would always revolve around someone getting injured or sick and others taking care of them. I've always felt so embarrassed and ashamed of these fantasies and I've realized i probably bave these fantasies cause all I've ever wanted was someone to notice how much I'm struggling and actually comfort me and understand how hard everything is for me. but these fantasies just make me feel like a terrible person. I've never admitted this to anyone just cause of how awful it makes me feel when i think about the reality of my fantasies.",Anxiety +52501,"I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m still in school, 15 I feel like I have friends but no one really likes me. Every day I come home feeling more like shit and I struggle to talk to anyone. I feel like I don’t connect with anyone and everyone gets along with each other then everybody thinks I’m a weirdo because I’m quiet. I hate being like this, Is this anxiety or am I just overreacting. I don’t want to give much more details but I really struggle to talk to people unless they make the first move. It feels like I’m a total outcast even teachers don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I wouldn’t say I’m ugly or weird besides being quiet. What do I do and how do I stop being so anxious when saying even the smallest thing to another person. I big myself up everyday and then I come home having done nothing different. I just got back to school after a long break since I had surgery and I’ve been feeling more depressed when coming home from school ever since.",Anxiety +52502,What propranolol dosage to take? I’ve been taking 10-20mg and still having panic attacks.,Anxiety +52503,"Hey. I don't understand anxiety as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I'm not denying it's existance. That being said, Jessie J's description of it on the Diary of a CEO made me realise I might have it. I'm perfectly fine performing tasks in X situation but doing the same in Y I shake, have weakness lifting stuff etc based on environment, people etc. is this anxiety? + +I've not being diagnosed at all because this is a ""recent"" development.",Anxiety +52504,"Any strange things you do when feeling anxious Started thinking about this today when out for a walk as I noticed myself constantly touching my bellybutton and stomach when I was starting to feel that tight, anxious feeling. I seem to do this without thinking and I am sure to people walking past, it looks a bit strange! I remember also in the past when I would get anxiety attacks or feelings of even slight panic, I would start touching my neck (maybe almost unconsciously due to my breathing). Not sure if it helps, but when I am not able to do it easily (say when driving or holding something) I feel a bit worse if that makes sense. + + These habits have developed very randomly for me over time and seem to come out as soon as I start having symptoms of anxiety and anxious thoughts. Just thought I'd ask if any of you have any strange practices you do, maybe even as a coping mechanism or way of bracing yourself when your anxiety is heightened. + +Anxiety is a strange kettle of fish but hope everyone is coping in their own way and getting through it one day at a time.",Anxiety +52505,"Anyone else? I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. One of my questions I asked recently is: why do I always feel like I want things over with? + +I am not talking about life-ending. But it seems like I just want things over with. Anything. When I was in school; work; hanging out with people; going to an event etc etc etc + +My therapist said we can address it as we go further into our sessions. But wanted to know if anyone else feels this way?",Anxiety +52506,"Does anyone know which SSRI is best for Anxiety and OCD? I have tried Prozac and while it does help a lot with my stabilizing my mood, I find it doesn't help much with anxiety. Can anyone share or recommend a good SSRI for anxiety and ocd, and if you also can share how well it has worked for you. Thank you",Anxiety +52507,Does anyone else suffer from dental anxiety? How have you cured it? I'm not talking about a fear of dentists. (Though I have that too) what I'm talking about is the fear of having something wrong with your teath. Worrying about every speck or black spot that I see. Checking my gums constantly to make sure that they are ok. I spend so much time in front of a mirror and a light checking to make sure there are no new signs of any dental issues. This is on top of brushing my teeth after everytime I eat (usually). It's getting so stressful for me. To the point where I dont really have the energy to do things that I want to do or hobbies. How the heck do I get this under control? Does anyone else suffer from this. I think part of my fear is that A) I've had bad experiences in the past with dentists/dental work. B) I've started taking care of my teeth now but I'm worried old problems will show up. C) I don't have the finances for something to go wrong with my teeth. I save as much as I can but I don't make all that much so yeah.,Anxiety +52508,"SSRIs I had a drs appt this AM before work about starting meds for anxiety. Im anxious about taking meds in general and dont want to take SSRIs. Long story short, I came prepared and specifically asked for one of two meds (wellbutrin and buspar). The dr + supervising physician refused to prescribe either. One bc im at a high risk of seizures bc family history + alcoholism + other meds... that was the one I wanted most bc it does depression, anxiety, adhd, and helps w nicotine / alcohol cessation. The other one was the only other anxiety med I was willing to try and they said no bc it doesn't treat depression, only anxiety. The hypothesis is that my severe anxiety is the only reason I am able to function with slightly-less-severe depression, so they don't want to prescibe it bc the fear is if they treat the anxiety but not the depression I will quickly spiral into a deep depression. + +I haven't felt this depressed in quite a while. I don't want to take an SSRI, and it feels like my only option is that or panic attacks wherein I get so stressed out my blood pressure rises high enough to give me nosebleeds like an anime character.",Anxiety +52509,I KEEP PANICKING I NEED HELP. I keep worrying about anyersums everyday I know it's not likley but I've had this headache for 7 days I went to the doctor they said I should be fine just take three ibuprofen every night. Then my dad says I'm fine but I have to keep asking and saying I need to go to the er I'm having an anyersum or I need to get a ct scan or mri I'm freaking out everyday to the point where I can't take it anymore its ruining my life I'm so stressed out over some stupid fear of a brain anyersum I need some advice please.,Anxiety +52510,"Employee Assistance Programs I have ADHD, anxiety, go through cycles of depression, a mild eating disorder, a family history of suicide attempts (I am not in any danger), and a high stakes job. Recently, I have been failing to meet expectations, having concentration and memory failures due to stress. I have been referred to the Employee Assistance Program for free counseling that will report to my employer. What exactly should I tell this person? I would love to hear and learn from the experiences of others before I say the wrong thing and get myself fired. It may already be too late.",Anxiety +52511,"Rejection Sensitivity: The Real Reason You're Struggling in Relationships Listen & learn people. + +This is a Youtube video from ""Healthy GamerGG"". I found it very relateable and helpful and I think anyone who has struggled with social anxiety/rejection/whatever can learn a thing or two. ",Anxiety +52512,I made huge embarrassing mistake at work while on a conference call with my manager and a client and I’m thinking of self-harming. What should I do? I don’t have the strength to kill myself but I want to hurt myself.,Anxiety +52513,"My and my wife’s past trauma is causing lots of friction in our marriage Mine is mostly about past jobs I had that I hated that gave me lots of anxiety and I didn’t like how my boss talked to me + +Hers is about past relationship trauma where guys would talk to her wrong and/or hit her + +Sometimes she’ll be explaining how to do something to me and if I don’t immediately get it, her tone of voice will raise a little, which increases my anxiety and *weakens* my ability to focus, which makes her more frustrated with me, which makes me angry… and now we’re both triggered and yelling at each other and hurting each others feelings… + +repeat cycle every 2 weeks or so… we’ve been married for a year and a half now… + +I’ve tried telling her how what she says/how she says it affects me sometimes but she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with what she’s doing + +Help?",Anxiety +52514,"I don't know what to do I was doing well four months ago, then one single moment changed everything where my heart started racing, mouth went dry and I completely shut down. That moment lead me to leave my job. Since then I've been a mess, I'm constantly worried and anxious. I have an interview for a job on Thursday but as much as I want to get back into something, i can't stop panicking about it and I fear I'm going to back off. + +I've tried different techniques to try help but nothing seems to work.",Anxiety +52515,"I’ve been reading this vape study I’m getting freaked out convinced I’m going to die. My future is fucked and I feel like giving up. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8913014/ + +Hello 20M and I quit vaping 3 months ago after vaping for 4 years and I have no plans on going back. Picked up this habit in high school (peer pressure) and it continued because I was in the same group of friends since then. Vaped here and there in high school and every damn day in college. Chain vaping 55 mg nic salt pretty much. Obviously this is my fault, but I can’t help but think my future is uncertain and I probably fucked up my health. My lung has been feeling weird for a few months now and it’s causing me anxiety. It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to do anything in college that could help my career because I think I’m going to die in the near future. Like what’s the point. Im convinced I’m going to die from lung cancer sometime in the future or cardiac issues. I’ve been having chest pain and it’s scary. I take an snri rn and it’s helping but the thoughts won’t go away. It’s getting to the point where I’m reconsidering my whole life because I feel like I ruined it. I’m very depressed and anxious about it and I wish I knew vaping was absolutely terrible for you before I even started. I know this post may seem dramatic but this is what goes through my head every morning until I sleep. I keep thinking it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’ve gotten straight As my entire life, been going to the gym, eating right. Im in college about to go into a career path that’s exciting and the future potentially could have been great but I have my one single vice that I was too stupid to quit. Damn idk I just needed to vent because it gets exhausting. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. Obv my parents don’t know about this they just think I’m very distressed and depressed about school or smt. I see all of my peers off doing amazing things with their lives and I’m just going through this bs. It’s pathetic the person I’ve become. Younger me would’ve died if he saw what I turned into. Throwing away life it seems like just for a little buzz. I’ve been trying to get my friends off this shit too but they prob see me as biased due to my health anxiety with vaping.They are great but I can’t help but feel I wouldn’t be in this situation if I stayed away from the red flags. Once one person starts doing it it’s like dominos and no one thinks twice about it being bad. Damn my whole life building up to smt and I just jeopardize it over bullshit. I just needed to vent, the health anxiety is getting bad to the point where Im certain cancer or a heart attack is coming and there’s no point anymore.",Anxiety +52516,"Work trips are terrifying I’m prepared to be called all sorts of names. I’ve had people tell me this is unhealthy and to get serious help. Like I don’t know that. + +This will get buried in the flood of posts. I’ll try still. My partner is going on a work trip. She’s been on a couple before but never outside the country. + +It simply terrifies me. I want to support her. I have severe anxiety. I do take medication and get professional help. But it’s still hard. + +The thought of being home alone for 4-5 days roughly with my partner a 10 hour flight away in another nation worries me. + +I don’t know what to say or do. I’m probably nothing more than a burden of a partner and a person in general. I’ve had two funerals in the last two months too. + +I’m just tired and very, very nervous.",Anxiety +52517,"Do you ever get intense “chills” with your anxiety? From time to time when my anxiety is acting up, I start shivering almost violently. All of my muscles clench so hard that sometimes my abdomen begins to hurt. It usually appears to be related to feeling cold, but not always. For example, I had a cat attacked by a stray dog a little while back, and before I could do anything to help her I nearly fell to the ground I got these “chills” so bad. I had to sit down and take a bunch of deep breaths before I could function. +I couldn’t even look at her or I’d just start shaking worse. + +I think the correlation to the cold is psychological. I walk into a cold room or get out of my warm bed and it starts, but usually only when I’m worried that it might happen to begin with. + +Does this sound like a standard anxiety response to you all?",Anxiety +52518,"Social media addict Tik Tok Algorithm freaking me out. For starters I procrastinate too much I manage to do okay but I know I waste time. Recently my Tik Tok has been infested with investment bankers and even scammer type video of people in their 20’s making $600,000k per year. I know the fallacy that social media is fake. But it is making me spiral a little. I go to a T100 law school which is decent and I have decent grades even an interview soon. I just feel I wasted so much time and energy and should have aimed to be making that 600+ already. The legal internships I’m applying for as full time jobs don’t make that kinda money but still money I’m comfortable with. But now I’m thinking I need to aim for that for the sake of my struggling parents and my current gf who comes from wealth and doesn’t currently work but loves luxury.",Anxiety +52519,"How do I calm down and what should I do? For context, I'm in high school. My anxiety has been super bad lately and it's been causing me to miss school a lot. My mom convinced me to go today and it was horrible. +My science teacher is a great teacher but he can be pretty harsh sometimes telling us our year is the worst, our generation is the worst, smirking when we do badly on quizzes. Despite all that stuff I really do respect him as a teacher and he's good at the material. +I just needed someone to vent to about him so I went to my counselor who I loved. She listened and offered insight but then I had to leave. +At the end of the day my science teacher pulls me aside and tells me that my counselor told him everything. He said she told him that I said stuff that he doesn't remember saying (it's definitely possible he doesn't remember but it did happen) and that I was holding on to stuff from the past which wasn't true as he says similar stuff pretty much daily. + The worst part is my counselor completely misunderstood one of my rants. She told him I was upset that he wasn't immediately able to help with something and that I had to wait. That wasn't at all true. And he said that he thought I would have understood so I explained she misunderstood and he seemed to believe me. I just think he believes I asked her to go to him for me so he's mad I didn't directly speak with him. He was really respectful one on one which I forget he is sometimes because of how he treats our class as a whole. I just feel really bad, I don't always agree with him but I never wanted to hurt anyones feelings. I was just going to someone I thought I could trust to talk things out. I'm not even really mad at my science teacher I'm just frustrated that my counselor went behind my back like that. I feel horrible though. I cried for 2 hours and I don't ever want to go back to school again. I feel like such an awful person. What should I do and how do I stop replaying everything in my mind?",Anxiety +52520,"Really struggling this week with my health anxiety wondering if anyone has the same issues? So I am on my last leg of a series of work trips away from home. I have 3 days left but the last few days have been terrible. I am constantly on edge worried my heart is going to give out to make matters worse I am waking up early in the morning in my hotel with a racing heart beat so my sleep is terrible. To make matters worse I am periodically getting pins and needles feelings in my extremities and/or face which is further driving my heart anxiety. + +I am a 43 year old male that is healthy and only slightly overweight and had a physical less than a year ago with no issues and low cholesterol ect. Even with this knowledge I still worry I am going to die alone in my hotel of a heart attack and just cannot seem to get my head straight. Anyone else have this issue or have had it in the past? Could really use some encouragement and advice. I feel like I should go to the ER to double check everything is ok but whenever I do this I end up paying hundreds to be told it is anxiety related. Appreciate any advice as I’m really struggling",Anxiety +52521,"Had a really bad panic attack yesterday I have no history of anxiety. Yesterday, I had a really bad panic attack and had to go to the ER. They ran tests and said my heart was fine. A day later im still having lots of discomfort in my chest as well as breathing problems. Is this normal? Any advice on what I should do?",Anxiety +52522,"I am failing I (19m) have a problem. I am failing at almost every aspect of life. I am failing 3 of my 5 classes in college, I don't have a job, I am riddled with anxiety. I lying to my parents that I am doing well in school, that I am saving money for an apartment, and that I am happy. I love my mom more than anything and after a rough childhood she values the truth more than anything but I continue to lie to her about my life. I am a month and a half away from finishing this semester and her finding out my discrepancy. I had a great first semester but now I'm just digging a grave for myself. Im lost and scared. I don't want to leave school due to my girlfriend being here and me for the most part loving my major. I need to find a way to pass my classes or find a solution. I am destroying myself, and I wish I could fix the mistakes that lead me to this point. Please someone give me some wisdom.",Anxiety +52523,is it normal to become extremely scared of irrational things? I get so scared at night and not even of normal stuff. Like I feel like a normal person would be scared of an intruder or a spider or something. I get scared like what if the portal to hell is outside my door or what if the sky changes color all of a sudden or what if I go to the bathroom and everything is upside down. Is this normal if not what does it mean,Anxiety +52524,,Anxiety +52525,"Has anyone had any luck curing or improving their anxiety by removing coffee from their diet completely? And if so how did you do this, did you replace with green tea or no caffeine? etc",Anxiety +52526,Has anyone taken prozak? Has anyone taken prozak before? If so what was your experience? I am nervous about taking it.,Anxiety +52527,Does removing yourself from social media help? Has anyone here taken themselves off of all social media for a long period and if so did it help with anxiety? Would you recommend it?,Anxiety +52528,"I hate this So I was eating a bit of these cinnamon honey coated almonds and this one I ate tasted horrible, kinda had this strong after taste after you had some strong alcoholic drink. I realized too late and swallowed it. I of course searched it just to make sure it wasn't just me and now im scared, bitter almonds slow down ur nerves, breathing is slow, and causes death. I'm freaking out, it was just one but still. Any help?!",Anxiety +52529,"Had a freak out at the dentist I was at the dentist to go get a cavity filled, I was somewhat nervous at first but nothing intense, it wasn’t until they gave me laughing gas I started getting derealization and started feeling weird and told them to stop and take it off, after they removed it they continued and put this rubber thing in my mouth, then I started to freak out because I wasn’t able to breath through my mouth because of it, and when I was breathing out through my nose it started slowing or stopping a bit because it was making my throat stop a little, then it made me gag and they had to stop the procedure, it was embarrassing but at the same time I was disappointed, I wasnt able to control myself, usually I breathe in and out through my mouth but it felt different and weird to only be able to breathe through nose. +I’m doing the procedure again in 6 months, I need help to calm myself down",Anxiety +52530,"Trying Lithium Orotate for Anxiety I am giving Lithium **Orotate** a go for my anxiety. First time trying it. Will report back over the coming days if it helps! + +What's others feedbacks?",Anxiety +52531,"Severe guilt Does anyone else feel an overwhelming amount of guilt when feeling angry at other people? I think it may partially be rooted in my abandonment issues but recently my boyfriend had been kinda dickish but I never brought anything up cuz I kept convincing myself that it was my fault and that it’s not a big deal and I’m being too dramatic. I brought it up finally at my tipping point and he said something that really hurt my feelings (also dickish) and I asked if I could have some space before we talked again. At the beginning it was fine but now I’m starting to feel it again, I’m scared I’m being too needy for him and that when I tell him I can talk he’s gonna tell me he realized he doesn’t like me so much anymore and we should breakup. Rationally I DOUBT this is gonna happen but I can’t help but thinking it’s my fault?!? I feel so guilty.",Anxiety +52532,"I need advice regarding taking Lorazepam So basically I’ve suffered anxiety for a few years now but more recently in the past couple months I feel it’s taken over my life with intense physical symptoms and constant brain fog as well, it’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to live. My doctor prescribed me Lorazepam as a way to help get through this stage about 5 days ago and I’ll be the first to say it’s done wonders for me and when I take it I feel way better and it makes life bearable. My only issue is Ik how addictive Benzos are so I don’t wanna take it everyday but on days I don’t take it I feel the usual physical symptoms panic attacks and feeling like shit all day. I want to possibly meet with a psychiatrist to find a more long term and safer solution but it’s hard because my doctors booked out for weeks. Does anyone know a way to speed up this process and also recommendations for what I should being in my current situation? I rlly don’t wanna get addicted to Benzos and idk how long that takes but I don’t wanna risk it (I’m on a small dosage of 0.5 mg a day)",Anxiety +52533,"why I can't shower? hi, + +can I have depression without knowing, I have anxiety but it don't stop me from doing things I like except showering, I don't really have any motivation to shower, but I can do anything beside showering + +I'm really confused :|",Anxiety +52534,"Consultation i can take eszopiclone 3 mg with mirtazapine 45 mg +also i was take sertraline 150 mg i have Terrible problems with insomnia even i do the sleep study i have obstructive sleep apnea + +My Treatment Plan sertraline 150 +My Treatment Plan mirtazapine 60 sulpiride 200 zolpidem 5",Anxiety +52535,"My brain seems over-active in social settings, especially After been diagnosed a year ago with diabetes, this has took my energy trying to fix it, and thanks to the medication on max dose and diet changes, this seems to now be working. + +Next, I want to fix my anxiety, which got worse in last years, due to a few things, like the diabetes, lock-downs, and struggles with such . + +My brain seems over-active, like if I see someone pass next to my front window, it will make me flinch. If doorbell goes it can do that. + +Would you say I have General anxiety? + +\- My eyes look ugly and intense when I am anxious, and I hate eye contact when like this. + +\- Haven't been able to orgasm for many years due to constantly rushing my thoughts. + +\- Struggle with eye contact when anxiety is high or confidence is low. + +\- Find it hard to show natural emotions, like smile etc. It's faked. + +\- I am use to routines. + +I want to overcome the above naturally. I do exercise and have gone out on walks each week either by myself or with parents / family. I try various natural supplements that might just help. The latest I am trying is lithium. + +What helped you, do you have the above symptoms? + +I want to fix the above and make a new friend / partner (though I am asexual), and go on holiday. I'd like that! But it feels impossible atm.",Anxiety +52536,Antibiotics anxiety I have a pretty nasty sinus infection causing fluid in my ear and it’s causing vertigo. I have pretty bad anxiety/ panic attacks and ocd. They prescribed me amoxicillin and I’m terrified to take it because of the potential psychological effects. Can anyone that have had them weigh in and tell me they’re not that bad? I don’t know. I want to feel better but i can’t handle more anxiety than what I already deal with (unmedicated.) Just hoping for some guidance here,Anxiety +52537,"Bout of Bad Anxiety - Should I consider Therapy. Over the last 2 weeks my (30M) Anxiety had gotten worse to the point of finding it difficult to sleep, no appetite, tight chest, can't focus on work and upset stomach. My doctor proscribed me some very low dose xanax for 10 days and also some other anxiety meds that take around 2 weeks to start working. I'm hesitant to take any of it though, I don't want to feel dependent on meds and then when i stop taking them, the anxiety comes back. + +My long term girlfriend and I broke up earlier in 2022, but we would sometimes keep in touch and see each occasionally. We went to college together, but didnt date in college, so alot of her friends are my friends also. She moved 6 hrs away for a job before we broke up and that was part of why we broke up, along with other things. It was easy being with her from the friends aspect but deep down inside there were some things that really bothered me about our relationship. We always tried to make it work but it just didn't. She ended things with me, but we are on good terms. + +She recently told me that she is seeing someone, and ever since then it has bothered the hell out of me and have had all this anxiety since. Its making me think did I make the right decision in pretty much agreeing to break up, to the point we spoke on the phone and she said, sorry but it's over between us. + +I have gotten anxiety bouts before but its always about job deadlines or things that once over the anxiety goes away. This is different, I know my relationship with her in a romantic way is over, and the severity of this anxiety is much worse than anything I have felt. before. + +Should i consider going to therapy or will just pass in due time? Thought...",Anxiety +52538,DAE: have difficulty doing the easiest of tasks like for example showering when the anxiety has been severe? I feel so embarassed about it,Anxiety +52539,"trying to cope is killing me too... ive been isolating myself and unintentionally staying sick (ulcers and other stomach problems) bc its the only way the self hatred and obsessive thoughts that eat up my mind subside and also i forget easily since feeling this weak. this situation has been overextending to the point where idk how bad it is, im very swollen and dont digest properly... i have palpitations every day and a very slow heart rate. + +I just feel very alone and i know its not worth it to keep going like this... but i have no assistance and no one really, i know this burden shouldn't be carried by a friend but i wish i were able to give and at least have 1 relationship that works. + +My family is very strange and manipulative, it wasnt until now that ive been realizing a bunch of shit about them. Still, i havent done anything for myself or protected my space. i dont know how to deal with this...",Anxiety +52540,"New job anxiety Start a new job in a couple hours, only thing I'm really anxious about is I live in a part if the United States which is like 90% spanish speaking and I dont speak a word of it. + +That in itself has made it difficult to find a job, but I found this graveyard shift general labor, hoping it makes speaking only English easier for me. + +I'm only gonna work for a few months, 90 days at the most since its a temp thing anyway, just saving so i can move out of here.",Anxiety +52541,Scared to buy motrin I don’t know what got me reading but I had no idea about the cyanide motrin incident that happened and I feel like I really need motrin right now but am terrified to buy it,Anxiety +52542,"head fullness/pressure for over a month ive started getting new and uncomfortable symptoms. it started with fatigue/weakness, morning heart palpitations waking me up and arms/legs feeling some type of nervous energy. as of 10+ days ago the fatigue is pretty much gone, i dont seem to have the heart palpitations as much or at all. i was having night sweats often the first few weeks too thats stopped also. but im left with this head pressure or clamy feeling in my head all day. in the morning i feel the sides of my head in the temple region throbbing and some times i can end up happening during the evening too. my head just feels full during the day, and i seem to feel disoriented too and just sensitive to so much. i dont even know how to explain it all. ive been avoiding the gym which i was loving before these new odd symptoms showed up. occasionally ill get some relief in my head and when i did i went to workout and everything was fine but thats only happened twice in this past 30+ days.",Anxiety +52543,"Physical symptoms So my therapist gave me an idea and a bit of a tip. +She told me when she was going through her anxiety and health anxiety she used to have pains and obsess over them like I do. +Well she told me she started working out so whenever her body was sore she tricked her brain into thinking it was from working out and it kinda was.. so it helped her +Well today my heart always just goes insane even laying in bed . I jumped up and started dancing as soon as I felt my heart go weird . I mean I figured I’d give it something to go wild about 😂 In theory should work right ? +it was funny non the less",Anxiety +52544,"Work Anxiety I just started working at a new place a few days ago, people there super nice and it’s a good environment. But my previous work place (the first place I worked at, so this is my second job) Was a horrible. Very toxic and I’d go home crying every time. (I can go over a whole list of things that happened there) I already had a lot of anxiety but now even more then before. + +I loved it when I had no job, I never had to worry about putting on a mask for customers and coworkers or the responsibilities that come with a job. I hate the long hours because I can feel myself slowly breaking down inside. And when I get back home my anxiety goes through the roof for when I gotta work next. Even if I got days off, I’m so so so freaking worried that they’ll call me to come in when I’m not mentally prepared. I got to have time to psych myself up for work. I’m deep into customer service too so all customers scare me. I just Idk what to do, I’m an adult living with my parents and they pay for a lot of my stuff and I don’t want them to have to do that anymore. But I hate feeling on edge and heaps of anxiety all the time. I don’t know what to do 😓 + +Really needing advice or someone to chat to",Anxiety +52545,"Dizziness help? How to get rid of dizziness when out of the house? + +It feels really weird and I get afraid that I’ll pass out",Anxiety +52546,"how do i calm down when i get anxious while studying? due to mental health i've been slightly struggling with uni studies lately. part of why i'm mentally not doing well is because i've grown up with a rather abusive father and one of the things that he's really forced on me has been to do well in studies, like that's just something that's been going on since i started school + +so this brings me to how extremely anxious i get while studying which usually is at home. it can take a while or it can take a few minutes but majority of the times i get so extremely anxious or just straight up have a panic attack in the middle of it. the part that causes this isn't that 'if i don't study well enough and pass this or that exam i'll struggle even more with uni' but 'if i don't study well enough and pass this or that exam i'll en up in trouble by my dad' + +ultimately i know it's always gonna be 'study for your own sake, not anyone else's' but after growing up with a father that's so abusive in so many ways, it's hard to not make that association and just break out until i can't even focus on studying + +so my question is, making that association or not, does anyone have any advice on how i at the very least can calm down or put myself at ease when this happens while studying?",Anxiety +52547,"Becoming ""hyper-aware"" of your existence and feeling dissociated I'll add a little background first, im a 35 year old male and have never had any diagnosed conditions or health problems in general. I have always been extremely shy, social + health anxiety, low confidence, never had a girlfriend, no friends since I moved to a different part of the country when I was about 22. Over time I think I have been able to numb it down, creating explanations and reasonings in my mind, and used video games as an escape. For the last 10 years or so, my life have been: + +&#x200B; + +\- Wake up and eat breakfast + +\- Go to work + +\- Come home and shower + +\- Make and eat dinner + +\- Some kind of workout + +\- Sit at computer + +\- Sleep and repeat + +\- Every other weekend I visit my mom, who I spend quality time with and help out since she has a condition that keeps her from doing many things herself + +&#x200B; + +But a week ago i was hit like a truck with massive depression and anxiety, realizing what my life have been these last 10 years. I feel like I have wasted so much time, especially on the weekends where I was at home doing nothing, instead of going to my mom or just doing anything productive. I got thoughts about existential dread, death and what our purpose really is. I got crushing anxiety about my mom dying and me not spending enough time with her, and also because she is the only person in the world that truly knows me, understands me and that I can be myself with. + +&#x200B; + +I feel like an alcoholic over 10 years who just suddenly stopped drinking from one day to the next - now the video games do nothing for me, I can't ""escape"" and I'm lost for purpose. My appetite is very unstable and my mind is racing, especially when I try to sleep, which has led to sleepless nights with my heart racing in panic and having constant disaster thoughts that I can't stop. I keep thinking ""Am I sick? Am I going insane? Do I have a brain tumor?"" and many more thoughts of that kind. I also get this weird feeling somethimes of being ""disconnected"" or ""dissociated"" to the world. I become hyper-aware of my existence and my actions and thoughts and it makes everything feel weird. In this state, I feel like im ""acting"" like myself, when I'm with others - like I'm something unexplainable controlling this physical body or seeing the world from a 3rd person view. Has anyone else experienced this or gone though something similar? + +&#x200B; + +I have started on antidepressant and anxiety medicine and started seeing a psycologist, but just wanted to share in hopes of getting some feedback or tools to combat these things.",Anxiety +52548,"How I am *almost* over my Health Anxiety Quick intro: +3 years a go I had an incident in the shower that mimicked a stroke. I came out of it unharmed but it messed me up psychologically. Ever since then my body takes any feeling it gets and goes into panic mode. Now i hate driving, i hate taking a shower, i hate exercising. You name it, if i makes me hot, i get anxious. At onc point i was so anxious showering i had to sit down and hold on for dear life the entire time i was in there. + +Now i'm about 80% over it. and form my experience the only way over it - is to go through it. And what i mean by that is you need to face this demon head on. I know its the last thing you want to hear but trust me. If you never face it you will be running forever. + +However it will take time for your brain to rewrite its default path ways. So at the moment the default behavior is fear, and to curl up and say please dont hurt me. So your brain interprets it as a threat and will spiral out of control causing all sorts of symptoms the worst of which being a panic attack. + +Now next time you start getting the fear coming on try this instead. Say to your fear out loud ""Just kill me then"" ""Bring it on"" ""Lets see what you can do"" and taunt your fear and let what ever you think is going to happen happen. by wanting the what ever it is you are afraid of to happen will make the fear vanish. + +Another thing to think. If you were to say have a heart attack it would just happen... whether you worried or not. Worrying isnt going to some how miraculously save you. + +At my lowest - the turning point for me was when i just thought i'd rather be dead than to feel like this anymore. and from then on i basically laid down my life to my fear and said just kill me. Kill me now or shut the fuck up. I needed to hit rock bottom so I could rebuild my brain the right way. and for a few weeks i just kept saying ""Kill me now or shut up"" over and over until my brain started using the new default behavior. + +It can take months to retrain your brain and then add years on that to fully forget. but this is what is working for me. + +TLDR: Taunt your fear. egg it on. call it out. ask it to do its worst even if it kills you. Let it flow through you and out the other side I bet nothing bad happens + +TLDR 2: If you were going to die it would just happen... whether you worried or not. Worry isnt going to some how miraculously save you",Anxiety +52549,I feel like I'm having a heart attack again I'm 23 years old and I suffer from cardiopobia. I ate more sugar today than I've eaten in over two months and my heart is racing super fast. I can't breathe and my hands are.tingling and burning so much it's freaking me the hell out. I know I'm young but it just freaks me out sometimes. I would greatly appreciate some reassurance 😮‍💨,Anxiety +52550,"Health anxiety I’m a type 1 diabetic and in my teenage years it was a rough time where I fainted multiple times because of low blood sugar, some of them was so bad where I ended in a diabetes coma and other my family was pretty sure that I wouldn’t make it, I could get up in the morning and be completely dizzy not knowing what was going around, I would look at my watch and not understand what time it was, I got mri scanned and everything was fine. While being young and dumb, I didn’t really care and I thought I was immortal living life with 200 kmp even though my body was screaming after a break. + +A few years later in 21, I caught Covid-19 a pretty bad one and I have got asthma afterwards, while being sick with Covid-19 I realized that I wasn’t immortal at all, I realized how vulnerable our body really is, the thoughts started to getting into me from the times I fainted and my covid process. I have become afraid of everything and connects it with heart problems, cancer, brain tumor ect. My body can’t be doing anything before I’m convinced that I’m getting the worst news soon, I’m always prepared to say “I knew it”, it’s driving me insane, the last few months it have been brain tumor that is making me going dumb because of a tension headache even though it’s probably just work related (I’m a teacher) and because I sit and work in different positions that isn’t great for either my neck or back. + +I don’t recognize my self as said before, I have become distend from my friends, I never seen them or talk with them anymore, always finding excuses to not get out of the house, I stopped playing soccer, guess why? Because I’m thinking I will be getting a cardiac arrest if I do so. It have been hard the last 2 years, causing stress, depression and healthy anxiety, not diagnosed yet, only with stress. I know I need help, but how do I get it? I’m not used to getting help, I have solved my own problems ever since I was a kid. Do I just call the doctor and say “hey I think I have a depression and bad health anxiety” or what do I even say? This really sucks..",Anxiety +52551,"Some positivity Coming up on a month on 50 mg of zoloft, and just over a month since the start of this anxiety thing. I'd say I'm 80% better. Almost all of the physical symptoms have subsided and the mental aspect has greatly improved. I've had small spikes here and there and my heart races like once a day for a few minutes, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! For those in a similar situation keep your chin up and keep going, it gets better 😀",Anxiety +52552,"Anxiety over living in an apartment I’m going to have to live in an apartment when I start school, and I’m scared about noises, whether it is them being too loud or me being too loud. I’m scared that someone will accidentally shoot a gun and it will go through the wall and hit me while I’m sleeping or something. I’m scared the building will collapse on top of me. I’m scared that one apartment will start a fire and burn down the building while my pet is inside. I have a lot of fears over this and it is making me not want to go to school. I can’t afford to rent a house though unless I have roommates, which I don’t want. It’s been stressing me out a lot.",Anxiety +52553,"Intrusive thoughts I feel like my intrusive thoughts are winning right now, and I feel bad for every thought. I feel like a terrible person and I need to remove myself from everyone because I'm a terrible person and no one would want me around. My inner voice is very mean and I just don't know anymore. I'm just so tired of it all. + +Does anyone have their own tip/trick to dealing with their intrusive thoughts? + +Thank you in advance",Anxiety +52554,"Is it rude to specifically ask for a male therapist? Edit - First, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I (F 25) live in the UK and our health service is free (well we pay for it with taxes) and I’m nervous about this as it might be that there aren’t many therapists to choose from and for some reason most are female and I don’t want to insult their ability I just struggle to open up to females.",Anxiety +52555,How many and what kind of medical tests you’ve got done due to your health anxiety? Very curious !,Anxiety +52556,,Anxiety +52557,"I’m currently stuck in a very vicious cycle. To cut it short, I had a horrible stomach bug a little more than three weeks ago and still haven’t fully recovered. The symptoms are giving me anxiety, and the anxiety is making my symptoms worse. + +I still have an exam that I need to retake, but when I think about it, my symptoms get worse again and I feel too sick to go back to school… + +It’s only stretching out my healing process more and I really don’t know how I can fix this.",Anxiety +52558,"I’m Awkward I started a new job about 6 months ago and I am soooo awkward at work. I don’t know how to make small talk, i get nervous just talking to coworkers. I have to think a lot to even build my sentence. And a lot of times, I just nervously ramble off topic or take things too literally. + +My brain is literally overthinking whenever I speak at work. How do I deal with this? Any advice on how to make small talk without being awkward?",Anxiety +52559,"Not doing well My existential OCD is so severe right now. I spend hours online trying to find answers to unanswerable questions, I have to ‘check’ my and every other person’s actions, words, feelings to see if they are ‘good’ or just a way to cover up or distract from our misery ( hard to explain but makes sense in my head). Literally everything I used to enjoy I question and find flaws with and life feels like an unreal nightmare and I can’t stop questioning the nature of reality and it’s driving me insane. + +I’m on Zoloft and buspar but they don’t seem to be helping. I have Klonopin but i just saw an article that benzodiazepines cause cancer so now I have no relief. + +I’m seeing a somatic therapist for the first time on Friday and I hope she can help. + +I just want to wake up from this nightmare",Anxiety +52560,"Should i be worried about my high blood pressure? I recently have been really struggling with anxiety and started taking Lexapro a week ago. So far I haven’t noticed a benefit from the drug but it’s my understanding it can take up to 6 weeks to work. + +Anyways when I was at the doctor 2 weeks ago my bp was elevated. Since then I’ve been measuring it daily and noticed it’s consistently high (140/90). Now ive got more anxiety worrying that I’ll get a heart attack or something. Just could use some reassuring words. Also is it normal for anxiety to spike your blood pressure? + +I’ve been trying to exercise and eat better the past week to help but not seeing a result yet.",Anxiety +52561,"I’m honestly at a loss, I don’t know what to do anymore I’ve struggled with anxiety for years, but the way it’s come back recently has me really worried for my well-being. + +I haven’t been able to eat properly in a couple weeks. I’ll feel hungry, but I’m so anxious that I feel like gagging whenever I try to eat. I’m struggling immensely to complete university assignments. I keep handing in things late and poorly done because I just feel like I can’t focus no matter what I do. I don’t know how to bounce back. It feels like my only reprieve is when I sleep or get high, so I’ve been doing a lot of that, but I know it’s just delaying my inevitable anxiety when it wears off. + +I’m really in need of help and I don’t know what to do",Anxiety +52562,"scared to start meds / scared of feeling off +So i have been suffering from awful derealization/depersonalisation, anxiety, ocd, and panic attacks for a couple of years now but it’s always come and gone. Ever since last year after going through a traumatic event it’s shifted my entire life to now only being able to focus on my anxiety. there are days that i get better and days where i have bad flair ups. I actively go to therapy and have recently started seeing a psychiatrist and nutritionist to see if i could figure out how to solve all these issues especially the derealization as it causes me to feel so out of it and almost high 24/7 as it has been prevalent for the last year especially now. I have been prescribed zoloft before but I had the absolute worst adverse reaction to it and has made me terrified to start any ssris. Recently my psychiatrist had prescribed me prozac but my therapist and nutritionist advise me against it as they do not think that my case is that severe. Where I am currently having an issue with is the fact that my biggest fear/ocd trigger is not feeling normal such as the fear of weed and I typically stay away from alcohol as I do not like how i feel when I drink. I am so scared to start meds or even vitamins that contain magnesium because I am so afraid of the “high” feeling or derealization feeling but now don’t know where to go from here. If anyone has advice on how to get over this substance ocd I would greatly appreciate it.",Anxiety +52563,Whats goin on with me For context a few days agoa i researched a disease called als and 1 day later i started displaying symptoms after researching I need help,Anxiety +52564,"Have Anxiety over a meetup between my fiancé (f) and her old friend from 3 years ago Im also invited and the dude is the only one who was kind to her back then but she also said he is just a friend and she doesn’t see him as a date material but im still very anxious about it + +what can i do ? + +The meetup is in two weeks",Anxiety +52565,"Brain tumor thoughts consuming my life Hi all, + +For the past 3 years I have had some strange symptoms that are persistent, I have a pressure in my forehead, constant dizziness (room not spinning). + +I had a brain MRI back in August 2021 without contrast which came back clear, but I do feel as though something may have been missed as I have the symptoms above. + +It is consuming my life, I think about it everyday, it's getting to the point where it's driving me to the point of wanting to unalive myself - I can't talk to my family about it as I spoke about my worries a couple of years ago and things got pretty bad.",Anxiety +52566,"How did you overcome severe gym anxiety? Hello! I'm a gym newbie here, and I've been *really* struggling with going to the gym. +I have no excuses anymore. I've been telling myself that once I move closer to a gym, once I get a good daily routine in, once I get a job that starts later, so on and so forth... well the stars aligned and I got a gym membership! No more excuses. + +Except I've got some sort of gymphobia. I have always felt this way, even went a couple times as a teenager with my dad. I was freaked out then, too. + +I went once with my boyfriend right after I got the membership and I wanted to cry the ENTIRE TIME. I was SO self-conscious, to the point it affected my movements. I wasn't focusing on lifting, I was focusing on being quiet, who could see me, how light my weights were, etc. I stared at the clock, couldn't talk louder than a whisper, clung to his side... It was a massive relief to leave and I subconsciously let out a huge sigh the minute the door shut behind us. + +Tried going just to treadmill the other day, walked in and went straight to the bathroom because I was so ANXIOUS! There was only one treadmill being used but I was so worried he'd see me trying to figure it out. I got so shakey and almost started crying again so I left the bathroom and went straight home. + +I know for the sake of my mental health I need to overcome this, even if I find out the gym just isn't for me. This is absolutely my anxiety, particularly social anxiety and body dysphoria. What makes me anxious - + +- being near other people working out (?!?!) + +- seeing my reflection in the mirror + +- using light weights (THEY ARE ALL LIGHT so I am just constantly anxious lmao) + +- how long it takes me to set up/figure out a machine + +- maybe someone else needs what I have and they are annoyed with me + +- someone else using what I want and not know what to sub + +- anyone talking to me in any capacity lmao + +- my form (I'm new so logically I know it'll be incorrect but other people may judge me) + +I'm tempted to shell out money for a personal trainer and a therapist. I'm sick of my anxiety and my body as it is, but I wanted to hear yalls advice. + +Since this has been causing me so much anxiety forever, and it directly relates to my body dysphoria and anxiety, I feel like overcoming this is going to be a HUGE breakthrough for my mental health. I'd really appreciate your insight.Thank you!",Anxiety +52567,"Health anxiety - germs worry Tonight I met with a friend that I haven’t seen in a long time. We had a great time, had a few beers and chatted loads. + +We then decided to have a cigarette. Yes I know it’s bad but it’s been a while since we had one and we were having a good time so went ahead with it. I accidentally dropped mine on the street and proceeded to pick it up and smoked it anyway. It’s probably a few seconds after dropping and the pavement is on a relatively quiet area but still in a public areas. + +I didn’t think much of it but after a few hours I’m sitting here worried. I am afraid that I might’ve caught something from smoking the cigarette dropped on the pavement. I’ve always been a bit germaphobe so this is making my thoughts worse. I can’t sleep … + +Anyone here ever tried smoking a cigarette dropped on the floor? + +Sorry for the rant…. Just can’t stopped worrying.",Anxiety +52568,"Is anybody else tired all the time? Even if I get a good night’s sleep, the second I think about what I have to face in the day and work etc I just feel instantly exhausted",Anxiety +52569,"Why does my heart rate fall when I'm having an episode? Hey all, + +Hope you're all doing alright today :) + +I've suffered from overthinking and general anxiety for a while. Being in my final year of university has been overwhelming to the point where I started seeking professional help. My doctor prescribed some beta blockers to me and asked me to take them when necessary - I've not thought of taking them until today. + +I think I hit my breaking point today. I have way too much to do and I haven't been able to manage things well. I felt some aches and tightness in my chest and throat, got cold hands and feet, and starting stress sweating (the smell was putrid). I could also feel my heart pounding in my chest. I decided to check my heart rate and I was surprised to find out that it was in the mid 50s. I didn't take my first dose of beta blockers and I'm waiting to speak to my doctor tomorrow. + + +Has anyone faces this before? Shouldn't stress and anxiety cause my heart rate to shoot up instead of dive?",Anxiety +52570,,Anxiety +52571,"I need some desperate help, and maybe some words of advice. Hello, I'm mason and As of lately since the start of grade 11. We where told we basically had to choose are pathway as in our job, or related field anyways as of late I wanted to follow in my uncles path and become a personal investor, and since he's already high up I'd have a job lined up for me as i get outta high school and more, the only catch. "" I knew i had anxiety but ever since i choose what I wanted to do math is now associated with anxiety"" to make it worse I was labeled a troubled kid when i was younger in life so as a result we moved a lot, and I never had a long friendship making me easy targets for people who love drama. So as i was growing I was taking speical classes since I had bad adhd aswell, so I wasn't getting the right credited for really anything in life and was basically labelled a special needs since they never put time into me. as a result i started trying better and Finally was able to upgrade to college level everything in grade 10 keep and keep in mind I was in high school in grade 8 due to this special program, and now they they teach me like any other kid. I've found it very hard to do anything since i grew up getting 1-1 attention, now since High school math is broken and 50% u will most likely never use in real life depending on the career you pick although the one i wanted to get into was ""money related"" I most diffidently don't need trig, etc anyways "" I really need help finding out how to coop with anxiety, this only happens during math aswell, So i know the trigger, and i know hen i clam myself down and I'm very happy before math i do better during math. but for some reason anytime my teacher ignores me for example today "" I rasied my hand to kep my practice quiz checked nobody else had their hand up"" so i wait she see's says one second and goes to 5 different people none of them had their hands out and forgot that i eveen asked so i promptly left teh class and went outside to get air or i was gonna start crying for the stress, angry anxiety and everything why are my emotions 10x whenever i'm in math is their even any way to fix this issue?""",Anxiety +52572,"Was this sexual abuse? I’m (F25) not sure how to write this. I’ve never put down my memories to paper let alone tell anyone. A family member would do certain things between (from what little I can remember) the ages of 7-15. These things made me feel uncomfortable and I asked multiple times for it to stop to no avail. I want to protect their identity so calling them X. + +1. X never let me lock the bathroom door when I shower X walks right in and has conversations with me even though the shower doors are see-through. This still happens now at 25yo. I used to lock the door when I was younger but X would use a coin to open the door and would leave it wide open so I just stoped locking the door and forget to every time now. + +2. X have always sneaked up the stairs and burst into my room on purpose. Dispute multiple times asking X to knock. If I’m just out a shower and wearing a towel I’ll always ask X to leave but X scoffs as if I should be less embarrassed and I’m weak for being embarrassed about being naked. + +3. When I was younger if I would touch myself X would take enjoyment from bursting into my room and surprising me and made me feel dirty and mentally fucked up for doing so. X would also watch through a crack in the door (caught them sometimes) before bursting in. + +4. X would ask to see my breasts and say it was to compare mine to theirs and any time I said I didn’t want to I was made to feel silly for being embarrassed like it was no big deal. + +5. X used to ask me to shower with them. Well over the age I needed anyone to wash my hair. Still asking me at 15. X would again scoff if I said no and plead for me to join them as if I was not wanting quality time with them. + +6. X flashes me (still does) and leaves the door to the bathroom wide open when they shower and sometimes calls me over to chat with them on purpose as if they want to see my reaction to seeing them naked. + +7. X would insist on checking me ‘down there’ when I was younger and would put cream on me saying there was a rash but I never saw one. I remember getting older and being adamant that I could do it myself but X got furious with me. + +8. X gets into my bed without asking when I’m in bed or when I’m not and asks me to cuddle them in their bed and gets angry when I say no. + + +The next two are hard for me to type…I don’t feel ready but this platform has been really supportive so far so here goes. For content X definitely physically abused me and still emotionally abuses me and I think they are narcissistic. + + +9. Growing up and even sometimes now I go into a childlike mind and put on a higher pitched child like voice (this cringes me so much so please don’t say anything nasty about this). Once when I was around 16 I was hugging X in their bed and was in this childlike state. They played into it and said ‘aww my baby, do you want to suck milk’ and I for some disgusting reason that bothers me to this day I nodded and X got their breasts out and I ….I can’t type the rest but I don’t think I need to. + +10. Again difficult to put down to writing. This one I don’t know if it’s in my head. When I was younger X would ask me to sit on their lap. I would feel (or think I did) them pushing up their private part on my body. I would feel uncomfortable and would sit in a different position but it would keep happening and I learnt to ignore it. + +Sorry for the left hoy post but because this is not obvious or classic case of sexual abuse (I think) I’m just unsure if it was. I know this person would take it very badly if they knew I was thinking this and I feel like I’m betraying that persons honour or something. + +(Context : been depressed since 11/12 and after experiencing panic attacks for the first time at 25 I finally told a doctor and I’m on a waiting list to get help for pdsd (unsure if that’s what I have) and I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning this if it’s stupid or a lie or if I am even able to). I also struggle to enjoy sex unless it’s bdsm I’m not sure if that’s related but I just feel dirty if I am wanting it.",Anxiety +52573,Should i get my eyes checked? So i have bad health anxiety i always think something is wrong with me and once i figure out something about how im feeling a brand new symptom comes up and my latest one is i feel like my eyes have a slight yellow hue to them and its not like yellow like jaundice but they look really irritated and idk if its lack of sleep but i was wondering if anyone could say if just lack of sleep or irritated eyes can appear slightly yellow cuz now im scared im getting jaundiced and i have had my share of alcohol and i have no money to get checked,Anxiety +52574,"Health Anxiety Hi, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I'm really scared. I know for definite I have a couple of cavities. + +Does anyone have any tips or tricks for keeping calm and also what to expect from getting cavities fixed? + +TIA",Anxiety +52575,"Physical side effects of anxiety Hey y’all !! I’ve been experiencing really bad nausea/dizziness/shakiness due to anxiety , so basically physical symptoms. Has anyone experienced the same thing and what kind of meds do you take for the physical side effects if anxiety??",Anxiety +52576,"fast heartbeat & unreal feelings related to anxiety? so just gonna start off i dont have any kind of diagnosis, but i feel like recently, for a few month i just feel my hearts very fast, faster than normal and before i sleep i feel like my whole body is shaking bcs my heart is beating so fast, and it also happens when im stressed or im in school or it just happens. also that sometimes i just feel unreal, kinda feels like im floating? i wonder if this is like anxiety symptoms, maybe i should get this checked out?",Anxiety +52577,"Why am I not able to cut out sugar?! So my MD tells me that I should cut out sugar and that the body can run without it. + +I suffer from extreme anxiety 24/7 and when i try cutting out sugar I get weak and my stomach is turning inside out, my body aches from craving sugar. + +I tried cutting out 3 times. The longest was 23 days. I just continuously got worse. At the end I was just lying in bed in horrid pain. + +It feels like my body needs that extra sugar in order to cope with the draining anxiety. + +Also my blood sugar levels stay stable with or without sugar.",Anxiety +52578,"Anyone else have physical symptoms that constantly change over time? I feel like it’s like those cartoons where you plug one hole in a leaky boat and another leak forms and so on. + +Some months it’s tingling. Sometime aching, then cramping, then stomach stuff, cold, then sweaty. Just when I get one to stop another pops up. Or a different combination. + +And these things rarely happen while I’m busy or my mind is calm, happy, and occupied. + +Anyone have these shifting symptoms?",Anxiety +52579,"buspar higher dose wondering about people experiences going up to higher doses of buspar (im on an ssri too)...ive been at 15-20mg/day for years- but still not 100% sure it really helps that much when my anxiety is bad. and its really bad lately- want to avoid benzos, but seriously need some extra relief. + +so im wondering is going up to 30-60mg that much different than lower doses or maybe i should look into something else. + +ps-my psych takes things very slowly and only does small increases, so finding this out first hand may take a while...",Anxiety +52580,"Fast heart rate out of nowhere? Hi guys I was sitting in Caffee Bar (drinkin juice) and my heart started beating too fast. + +Can this be because of anxiety? + +Also sometimes when I wake up I feel that way too.",Anxiety +52581,"First psychiatrists appointment. Meds?! So I made an appointment after months of avoiding it/being to anxious to call. + +I’ve read here that Ssri‘s are on of the go to types of meds to be prescribed for anxiety and panic attacks. + +I really don’t want to take any ssri, I tried one for my depression, had the worst side effects and It also really badly affected my tinnitus and also sweating +Then I found out this group of meds in general is bad for people with tinnitus that’s why I wouldn’t want to take them again (I know there are many different ones) + +If I tell those three concerns is it possible that they’ll prescribe something else ? I really can’t deal with more sweating, tinnitus",Anxiety +52582,Whats the best anxiety medication in your opinion? So I'm currently on wellbutrin. It doesn't seem to be working anymore in controlling my anxiety. Before that I was on Lexapro. Does anyone know what would be considered the top tier medication in dispersing anxiety?,Anxiety +52583,Anyone I can vent to in dms? Going through a bit right now and idk what to do. It’s making me feel angry and anxious. Really need someone to chat with,Anxiety +52584,"How has buspar working for you? I got prescribed buspar last week because I had crippling anxiety. Cant get a job, can’t call places, and can’t drive at night. I’m on 7.5 mg rn and take it twice a day. I noticed my legs aren’t consistently shaking and my hands aren’t as fidgety. And i don’t have as bad as overwhelming worries. I think I want to go up in my dosage tho. How has buspar been working for you?",Anxiety +52585,"CBD oil Hi! Is someone here using CBD oil to help with anxiety? +I’m using but I don’t see any results 🥺",Anxiety +52586,"I have constant anxiety of dying, is there anything i can do to stop it? Everyday i am always fearful that i could die at any moment. For example, last night when i was in bed my heart was beating different it was like it was beating faster than normal, so i thought something was wrong with me and i thought i was gonna die, i kept stressing out about it the whole night and i couldnt sleep. another example, when i hear a loud noise outside my house now i think its a shooter or something and i think im gonna die again or something. help me",Anxiety +52587,"Just had one of the worst anxiety attacks of my life during my sleep that I still can’t comprehend what just happened. I’ve had an anxiety disorder most of my life and I had a particularly stressful day the night before. As of writing this I just had the most vividly intense nightmare of my life that it still doesn’t feel like I’ve awoken into reality at the moment. In short, I had a dream where I was being possessed by a demon but I could feel all the pain and physical anxiety it was creating. I woke up multiple times. One of the times my mouth was wide open, my throat completely dry, and my neck as stiff as a rock. During the dream I felt my heart racing and beating so hard my chest still hurts, and I woke up completely covered in sweat and my body aching real bad. Is this a normal experience for a panic attack at night? Would anyone be able to provide some advice for why this could’ve happened and how I can prevent it in the future?",Anxiety +52588,The girl I like also suffers from anxiety. The girl that I fell for 10 years ago also suffers from anxiety. I haven't got the guts to let her know how I feel about her. My anxiety recently developed into agoraphobia. I've been improving but I still can't travel far. That kind of demoralized me. My question is: Can a relationship still work if both suffer from anxiety?,Anxiety +52589,boobs or chest pain? this may be a very stupid question but can any ladies feel confusion on whether they’re experiencing chest pain or boob pain? my boobs aren’t too big nor too small but this tension i feel is more towards the top of my chest yet its also apart of my boobs…can anybody help me differentiate or share similar experiences?,Anxiety +52590,"Can't think of a suitable name for this post + +I have been blessed with the ability to freak myself right the F\*$& out whenever i think about a host of different topics... anxiety. Now most of these topics ive been able to find categories for, and address in that way, by learning about those things, bettering my understanding of them, and really evaluating exactly what it is that im afraid of. For example, i am a hypochondriac, i have lived with health anxiety for as long as i can remember, but its very easy to find out what health anxiety is, you can easily find other peoples experiences, common coping mechanisms, potential causes for this anxiety, etc. This is the case with almost anything i find myself consistently anxious about. + +Now, + +One of the darkest corners in my mind that i try to stay out of as much as possible, is one that i cant get a lot of information on, and because of this, i don't know how to move forward in addressing this. + +This anxiety / fear is triggered by thoughts of existence, reality, the thought of consciousness... trying to wrap my mind around what it is that I'm experiencing just by being alive in the first place. A good example thought of this would be this: + +Whether you are reading this on a computer or phone or tablet... stop and take a second to think about what is between your eyes reading this, and the screen Infront of you, now i don't mean the air, pollen, dust, particles etc. that occupies that space, but the f#$%ing space itself. How? why is that there? what is that occupying? how did it get there? + +I experience symptoms of derealization / depersonalization disorder that I've observed are closely related to my thoughts like this, Hell I believed when I was 17 until 20 I was falling into psychosis due to my relentless obsessing over the unanswerable. Its not even one specific mind-F#$\* that does this to me, it's the combination of all of them that represent what we call ""reality"" or ""existence"" that i cant tune out, and the more i try to research these things in my life, the more questions that are left unanswered. i can barely hold conversations with people because of how often i just go blank, returning to being consumed with mulling these things over, IN THE MIDDLE OF CONVERSATIONS. + +I feel like most people are able to just curb these thoughts as ""unimportant"" or just set them aside because there's no way to answer things like that at the moment. Boy do i wish i could do just that. Thoughts like this are 25/8 on my mind, I mean I DREAM about inexplicable things that could never be answered, and i wake up, open my eyes and wonder what is this plane of existence that I'm experiencing? how do i retain my persona, my memories, my trains of thought, all of my experiences after so many years? How do i face any interaction, any experience, any leaf that lands Infront of me on a walk without my mind jumping to the probability of these things happening? And then wondering how I'm even able to question that in the first place? + +This has not been a mid-life crisis, rather it has been a whole-life drain. I have never been afraid of the 18 wheeler next to me on the freeway, yet i have always been afraid of the inevitable heat death of the universe. Why am I like this?",Anxiety +52591,"Quick change in anxiety symptoms?! Hi guys, + +I've experienced anxiety for a long time now (26F), I'd say at least 8 years. Symptoms have always been tight chest, heart going a million miles an hour, the occasional panic attack. + +I've always managed it quite well, have a decent job and can interact with people fairly well. + +I've never let it stop me doing anything as then I'd feel like it has beat me. + +As of 3 weeks ago (it was literally one day fine and the next.. NOT FINE!), I got on the train to go to work and felt like I was going to throw up. My mouth was watering and heart felt like it was in my throat. At first I thought it was food poisoning and something was physically amiss. + +Even though I haven't thrown up and logic would indicate I'm not going to, it feels like I genuinely am on the verge everytime I am in a moving vehicle. + +I thought it would pass, but it's now just part of my everyday life and I'm finding it debilitating. I'm scared I'll lose my job because of it, which is feeding into the anxiety even more. The only way I can get through a train journey (or any moving vehicle for that matter) is by closing my eyes and putting on Bob Marley through my headphones. It's quite comedic but it genuinely is the only way I can slightly manage it. + +I've never enjoyed the commute and have done it for ages, but now it's became a THING. + +I have to have a plastic bag with me at all times as the urge to throw up is so real. + +Has anyone else experienced a sudden and drastic change in anxiety symptoms, how do you manage them? I'm scared I'll be this way forever.",Anxiety +52592,"Constant anxiety and have lost feelings for partner? Okay so there's a lot for me to go through here, and I have to apologise as it is hard for me to explain things as it's hard for me to even understand what's going on in my brain! + +I've been with my partner now coming up to 2 years in May, wonderful healthy relationship where there are no issues whatsoever, I'll preface this by saying I have struggled with mental health on and off throughout my life, mainly being anxiety so I have been on Fluoxetine (anti depressants) for the last 2 years, this has been great for me and has helped me to regulate my emotions and feelings quite well and to what I believe has helped my relationship with my partner to flourish and I have felt genuinely happy. + +Anyway, cutting to now... Since the very (very) start of the year, just after new years... (obviously) I noticed a lot of anxiety... although it may of been creeping in a few weeks before, It was as though now I felt it full blast, and my inner voice kept telling me that my boyfriend was interested in someone else, and I was then getting strong feelings of them cheating although there was no indication of this, I think on new years eve I had noticed my boyfriend getting on well with his mates and watching one of his friends who is a girl sing (he's a musician and i know the following sounds daft, believe me) so the next day I kept getting intrusive thoughts of that moment and feeling very sensitive around it, as I'm quite insecure and never sing and I know my boyfriend would love it if I came out my shell more in that way (although he's always telling me how perfect I am) It kept going through my mind that he should be with someone like that... + +fast forward a few days, I'm still feeling VERY on edge and feel incredibly anxious when my boyfriend isn't really showing me that much affection, or is in his room for long periods of time... I get very panicky and can't seem to calm myself until I go upstairs to see what he's up to, if he's just sat there on his phone with his door shut I assume that he's not wanting to be with me (even though I think having our own space is healthy and have never had an issue with it before) after seeing him just sat there I'll get incredibly upset and more anxious and feel very emotional, may even start crying and it's difficult to stop, I suddenly view my boyfriend very differently? + +I'll also mention now that I was never like this at any other point of our relationship, I just started feeling this intense anxiety since new years, also I'll mention that I'm a very sensitive person and feel as though I pick up on other peoples emotions very easily and that I do that a lot with my boyfriend if he is feeling down about himself etc, I also feel these emotions. + +As the days went on I stopped getting these anxious feelings when he wasn't always around, but still felt bad anxiety and feeling depression creeping in, as the days progressed I noticed myself becoming more sensitive to things and even hyperaware? (think that's the word) which would cause more anxiety for me, my boyfriend may say something and I would take it in a negative way and feel offended by it and it would cause a lot of hurt and then anxiety is even worse... I would have a lot of moments of just emotional outbursts of crying and finding it difficult to stop just feeling very overwhelmed and so uncomfortable in how i'm feeling, even gagging from what felt like stress and not being able to eat (I'm feeling this pretty much everyday) + +the past month and a bit I've been having internal thoughts such as ""I don't love you"" and other horrible things directed at my boyfriend which cause me so much anxiety and even more stress as I try to convince myself they are just thoughts and not real, having suddenly no feelings towards him? getting irritated at little things but still feeling intensely sad over the thought of him with someone else, this person is perfect in my eyes and I love all the things about them that are considered imperfections, where have my feelings gone? It's been over a month and I'm scared they won't return because I know this relationship when I'm not feeling this way, is so good for me and has been the best thing for my life. + +I'll quickly mention that I'm 23 now and had a relationship when I was 14 that brought a lot of the very same feelings up but this happened very early on in the relationship (a month or so) with much breaking up and getting back together due to my anxiety and depression. + +I'm sorry for the essay but it's really hard to fit everything in, but this is just the summary of it... + +Please can I get real responses with this, I really want to make this relationship work and stop this anxiety and emotional stress and be able to feel these feelings again for my partner... I'd hate to think that it's over now.",Anxiety +52593,"My class always laugh at me whenever I try to recite because I stutter and my answer where nonsense I have a low self-esteem, I dont have confidence and I stutter a lot. + +I cant recite during class, because I got a hard time explaining what i want to say, + +I feel worthless and devastated to the point I lost interest in my life + +I feel pathetic and I know im not worth it + +Im not smart since I always get a low grade but still manage to pass + +I feel so small despite the fact that I struggle a lot + +I have a social anxiety and depression + +But you know I try to change myself, I try to be a person who I want to be, yet I cant change myself because no one got my back, no one believe in me and support me, its hard to fight alone in this lonely and painfull battle within myself + +Then now I realize that I live my life pleasing the other people, I feel sorry for myself and life, I realize the people will never acknowledge or believe in me because in the first place they see me as a trash and stupid.... + + +I WANT TO SHOW TO THE PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT ME, WHO NEVER BELIEVE IN ME AND TO THE PEOPLE WHO NEVER SUPPORT ME THAT I CAN ACHIEVE SOMETHING IN MY LIFE.....",Anxiety +52594,"How do I accept the fact that my partner finds other women attractive? I have been feeling super anxious and insecure recently about the fact that my partner acknowledges that he has celebrity crushes or finds other women in our life good looking. I don't mean he's asking these people out or he's making moves, I just mean on a surface level. My partner mentions, often enough, that he thinks a girl is good looking or that he finds this celebrity attractive. It really makes me anxious and insecure so I have a hard time hearing this. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it's really upsetting me and making me feel so worried all the time that he is going to leave me. Is it normal for guys to do this? Is it normal for people to feel attraction to other people while they're in relationships? I certainly think other men are attractive, I won't lie. But I definitely do not think about making a move on them or even flirting. I know the same is true for my partner, I'm just having a hard time coping",Anxiety +52595,"Did you ever have that one panic attack that changed your life? I had one before and it absolutely changed my life. I developed health anxiety and so much more. I just want to know if this happened to anyone else? and if it did, what happened that day and after?",Anxiety +52596,"Kidney like symptoms? Hey guys, + +the last days after i got officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder i went without any symptoms (i guess finaly having a name for my problems calmed me down). + +But two hours ago when i came back from a walk my left back side under the rib started to hurt :/ + +It not a stinging pain or something that i can't manage, but it feels a little bit like back pain and is slightly pulsating i think?? + +It also radiates a little bit to the right side and i am feeling a bit dizzy/out of myself right now :( + +I went to pee and it came out like normal without any pain, so It shouldn't be my kidneys right? + +This dizziness scares me so much though :( + +Has anyone ever experienced something like this? + +Or maybe i should really call an ambulance? + +I don't know what to do i am so worried",Anxiety +52597,Anxiety around family. Why do I feel like the outsider when my families all together. I always assume I’m not included in anything actively happening even though I’m being invited to things and events. I exclude myself from them for this reason. Any help or insight would be great.,Anxiety +52598,"24/7 lightheaded and pressure in head 40 male starting to go crazy with this +Does anyone else have this ?? +All my doctors tell me they got no idea +Please help",Anxiety +52599,"Heart Racing every morning I’ve been struggling for a almost a week now every morning I wake up around 5:30am (way earlier than my intended wake up time) with my heart pounding out of my chest, chest tightness and sometimes pain, and my anxiety is through the roof. Just posting this in here in case anyone has similar experiences or has had things that help them. I have little to no trouble falling asleep at night but mornings have been absolutely awful lately because of this. I’ve been to the ER twice for anxiety/panic and had EKG and bloodwork tests all come back normal.",Anxiety +52600,"Did I have an anxiety attack? I was backing my vehicle into a parking spot as I usually do and I felt panic out of the blue. I felt as if my vehicle wasn't stopping so I slammed the brakes fearing I was about to hit the vehicle behind me. I had a weird feeling rush through my body and then realized I had already come to a complete stop, my vehicle wasn't moving and I was parked normally at a fair distance from the vehicle behind me. The moment felt like a long time but I believe it was only for a second. + +I consider myself to be a good driver with a clean driving record. I have never been in an accident or have I ever been worried about one. As for the anxiety, I've only ever experienced this while lecturing a large crowd. I have never considered myself as someone who has anxiety.",Anxiety +52601,"Meme Many people believe that since I overcame my chronic anxiety, I am levitating through the halls with a halo of light aimed at the crown of my head, with 8 angels flying behind me singing choruses while I remain in a state of spiritual perfection at every moment.",Anxiety +52602,Anxiety symptoms Have u guys had this weird shooting pains in legs like I get twitching like maybe 2 twitches a day not a lot it’s mostly this pins and random pains in legs that none stop ? I get them in arms also and in my neck but mostly like my legs would go a lil weak sometimes when I stress about them and my left hand too but I can use them normally I’m even a boxer so I do my sport normally but they feel weak but they aren’t ??? Idk how to explain it guys but they go away when I distract myself,Anxiety +52603,"Starting my journey with clinic anxiety disorder, any tips? So yeah, I've finally been diagnosed with anxiety as an actual disorder (generalized anxiety disorder), after many years of thinking it was temporary. + +I don't feel bad at all, I feel good to finally have my issue recognized on a medical level so I can receive the adequate treatment. + +What are some do's and don'ts when living alongside anxiety? Any natural medicine available? (Been proposed medication, rejected) + +Very happy to be able to find a community on reddit which can help!",Anxiety +52604,"Constant Weakness/Fatigue For about 2 months now I have felt muscle weakness in my arms and legs (more on the left side) and experiencing more fatigue than normal too. This has fueled my anxiety into thinking I have something like als. I’ve always had some anxiety but never to the point of physical symptoms like this. Does anyone else feel this with anxiety? I’ve had multiple Dr. Exams, a Neuro exam/ emg, CT, and blood work which all came back normal. Someone please give me the reassurance to keep fighting this daily mental struggle.",Anxiety +52605,"Existential OCD hitting hard right now, any advice? I'm having an OCD attack, basically I came back from the psychologist and yeah I almost had a Panic attack while coming home and now my mind is just really disordered, I'm having a lot of feelings about life being something unreal and crazy, like everything is crazy and not normal and I feel scared about not understanding the reality etc etc...",Anxiety +52606,"Just found out i got cheated on again. 20F I have no words to describe what i feel right now. I'm so exhausted of this but i can't leave him, i feel like i'll be worse without him. I have an interview tomorrow and i don't know how i will be able to do great with this on my mind. I feel like the dumbest bitch ever. This kills me. I have no one to talk to. I hate this shit",Anxiety +52607,"i never thought ill be toxic to her i feel so bad. i feel garbage. my conscience is eating me up. i never thought ill be the reason of her feeling drained. + +my ex broke up w me almost 3 weeks ago. i blamed her for feeling insecure. i didnt know that what i was doing was trying to restrict her from opening up to other people. i asked her if we could keep our problems to ourselves because people might think differently of us. i told her that because she opened up to our friend and that friend told the story to our other friends, and so they were laughing about it. i didnt like it so i opened up to her regarding that. she said she opened up to our friend because it was too heavy on her. she cant handle it. i wasnt there to comfort her that time when were having an argument coz i told her i dont wanna talk and i just wanna cool my head first. i was so self centered. i realized how selfish i am. like instead of understanding why she opened up to our friend instead just let my insecurities take over me. + +im trying to be better. im reflecting from my actions. i tried talking to her but she doesnt want to talk to me anymore. its all gone.",Anxiety +52608,"advice needed hi everyone. yesterday i took my first pill of my anxiety meds and i‘ve had the worst side affects. it would be time to take the next dose soon but i’m cotemplaited doing it. i‘ve had trouble sleeping, i could barely eat anything because i’ve been so nauseous and all that i ate i threw up. i’m just feeling very tired, beaten down and sidetracked. like the days before i felt pretty okay on a daily basis with my anxiety but i still have anxiety when it comes to things. now i’ve been just crying because i don’t know if i want to take the next dose and like i worry about eating because i really dint want to lose weight. and also if i can make it to work tomorrow. also i was used to go to the cinema with friends tomorrow but everything is just stressing me out (the meds i’ve been on is citalopram)",Anxiety +52609,"constamt tension headaches and face pain Im 19f im a university student and since last may i have constant headaches ...all tests came clear mri, blood tests, ct scans ...etc anything possible im healthy . At this point no one believes me. I experience constant tension headache, sometimes if im lucky it goes away for a week but it comes just as easily after minor stress occurence or bad sleep night. Also facial tension and pain i feel like i have brick on my face 24/7 and heavy eyes. Eye test came all back very good ...i am diagnosed with anxiety and take SSRI'S to manage but u never even considered that anxiety or any stress could cause this. Could it be true ? Its been to long i tried lot of things ...but it never dissapears. I am anxious person but even when im calm it still seems to be there. It does not take a lot to provoke it . Can anyone honestly give me advice or just ...tell me your experience ? Do you think anxiety could be causing this ?",Anxiety +52610,"I (F24) don't believe my boyfriend (M24) loves me and it's a me problem I have been struggling with worse anxiety for the past year and recently, my anxiety does NOT let me believe that my boyfriend loves me. He gives me reassurance everytime I ask, but for some reason it is never enough. For instance, when he says why he does, my thoughts will find complaints with his reasons why. + +I haven't talked to him about this because this is technically not a his issue and I hate burdening others with my anxiety. He has reassured me everyday and I don't want to ask for more. I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own. + +I've had bad experiences with boys in general, so I often time believe that they will say whatever is convenient to them. so I cannot shake this feeling and I do not know what to do. + +Ive been talking to a therapist but she has not been giving me effective solutions. She listens and validates, but I need calming techniques... + +How do I shake this feeling? what should i do?",Anxiety +52611,"It's been a while but it's back 20M i've been busy with life in a good way for the past 2 months going to the gym 5 times a week and eating healthy starting to like myself again. However, out of nowhere it's back, the feeling that I'm not doing things i should be doing, feeling like the future isn't as bright as i hoped. And I don't know what to do. +I've never spoken to anyone about my anxiety except my friend who is studying in a different country now. I don't know who i can speak to because in my head my problems seem like they're not big enough for me to talk about but yet they have a weird weight on my chest that makes it harder to breath",Anxiety +52612,How do you manage anxiety when sleep deprived? I am eating some good I haven't eaten for hours. I had a headache ive gotten like 2 hours sleep the past couple of nights. I walked out in the cold for a minute and turned the lights on. I had a bad dream that made me feel like I was going crazy.,Anxiety +52613,"Anxiety? I’m trying to figure out and address an issue I’ve had my entire life (or at least as long as I can remember). As I try to seek out treatment and help, I’m not sure if anyone here can relate. + +I will obsess and fixate on completely mundane things. For example: If I overhear someone taking about a movie but I don’t know what the movie is, I may fixate on “Who did they say the lead was? An Australian named Ben. What was the movie? What was the movie???” and my heart will start racing and my breathing will get shallow and I’ll need to get up and walk around. +Another example might be for me to see a photo of myself reading and I’ll obsess, wanting to figure out what the title of the book is that I’m reading. +I might also obsess wondering what a logo on a shirt is, who was that guy that I helped with a flat tire that seemed so familiar, etc. +You know how sometimes people will hear a song and not know what it is and they’ll say, “What IS that song? It’s going to drive me nuts?” For me it feels like that “going to drive me nuts” thing is for real. +These “attacks” might also occur in certain circumstances of guilt or self-loathing. +Does this sound at all relatable? Does it have a name?",Anxiety +52614,"Miradry Experience Miradry Experience + +Good morning all! I am looking to get the miradry procedure for armpits done here soon. I am sick of constantly sweating and can’t keep enduring this. Was hoping to hear peoples experiences on it that went through with it. Positive/negative experiences, tips and anything else are extremely appreciated! +Bless you all!",Anxiety +52615,"Any tips for dealing with these symptoms? Does anyone experience vision/auditory issues? Recently this is what’s been bothering me the most. The only way I can explain it is..imagine you’re indoors for a long period of time and then come outside..it’s almost like I’m sensitive to light and everything and I mean everything feels so loud. Ugh. I hate it. This past weekend I went to have lunch with a friend and the restaurant we ate at was so packed. I felt like I couldn’t concentrate and my vision became shaky, like i couldn’t focus my eyes on one thing which eventually made me feel dizzy. Anyway, I appreciate any tips if you have any. Thanks!",Anxiety +52616,"Exposure Fail One of my exposure tasks is to walk my dogs outside. I had been incrementally increasing the distance i walked them up until today. + +I felt confident about todays walk before i left the house. Then, less than half way around i start becoming aware of how out in the open i am and turn around after stopping a couple of times, and ultimately went home not finishing my walk. + +Im really disappointed in myself and wonder how you all handle situations like this. Its completely knocked my confidence. + +Thanks guys",Anxiety +52617,"I don’t know how to behave in group chats and it’s destroying me mentally. So to start off, I don’t have many friends and I don’t participate in many discords, so I admit I’m a little out of practice here. But recently my three cousins decided we should all be part of a group chat and rekindle the bond we had as kids. I was all for it, they’re family and I love em, but just existing in this group chat is giving me some major anxieties. It also doesn’t help that I have absolutely nothing in common with any of them. All they talk about is work, their s/o’s and gossip. They said we would be sending each other memes but every meme they’ve sent so far have been the most unfunny monotonous tiktok reaction videos I’ve ever seen. I don’t even know how to respond to them so so far I just haven’t. Now after about 3 days the group chat is silent and I feel like they’ve silently moved on. I just know it’s going back to the usual where I only ever talk to them at family gatherings, which is another awkward thing I’m going to stress about. I really am at a loss of how to handle myself, and I fear that if I eventually get into a group chat of other friend groups it’ll go the same way. I’ve tried joining discords before of varying sizes in the past, but nowadays everyone types so fast and gets their thoughts out in seconds. I feel like by the time my brain is even able to process what was said and think of a response, they’ve already changed topics. Has anyone else here had to deal with this kind of thing before?",Anxiety +52618,"C2E2 Frengs? Going friday and need help Hi I'm 33 and have little money, no job, a ton of comics and love anime, manga, SIkTC and Deadpool. I have a very bad anxiety disorder but I decided to buy a ticket for myself for Friday. I want to submit some books to be graded (so I might have money someday 🤞. Large crowds, no visible exits, loud noises and cramped spaces are very hard for me and I thought maybe someone here would be going too and could meet up. Before you say ""all the things you mentioned are what happens at c2e2."" I know, but I want to fight my anxiety and challenge myself, I'd just like there to be someone who could be around. I'm rambling now so I'll shut up. Thank you!",Anxiety +52619,"Not sure if I want to go to a friend's wedding One of my mates has invited me to his wedding and I'm not sure if I want to go. + +I really appreciate the invite and we were really good mates years ago but since 2018 I've not seen him too much since he moved away. + +The wedding is a good 7 hour drive away and I don't think I'll know many people at all. Just maybe two or three other mates I've met before, but no one else. I don't have a plus one or anyone to go with. + +I'm feeling a bit anxious about it and don't want to be a bad friend or let him down by saying no, but I have a feeling that if I go, I'll feel really awkward. Will be a lot of his and her family and I'll just be there not knowing anyone really at all. + +Also it's gonna be quite an expense in accommodation and travel expenses. I'm just torn what to do!",Anxiety +52620,"I’ve recently been having problems with heart palpitations and increased anxious feelings Hi Reddit. I am a young adult female in her first year of university, and I just wanted some reassurance or advice. +I’ve grown up around anxious people- having parents and step parents on anti depressants and with ptsd, so I know how the gist of mental health issues in this caliber (somewhat haha!). I myself have also struggled with mild anxiety or depression in the past, as well as a brief but somewhat severe ED many years ago, but nothing ever officially diagnosed or bad enough to get diagnosed or treated for a part from some counselling. However in the past few months my anxiety have been ramped up to the max, with the feeling of my heart pushing against my chest for the silliest little fears- giving me insomnia or making me feel sick etc. It’s doing as much as I write this. +One thing to note, I have a heart murmur, and occasionally I can notice it, but normally it’s very faint, if really there at all, so I’m assuming it’s got nothing to do with anything? +I have been feeling kind of lonely lately. For some more recent context, whilst I play online with my old friends and see them and my bf often, I don’t have any really close friends at uni, and have had some fall outs with a Flatmate I share a bathroom with, making me often anxious in my own home. I absolutely love living away from home apart from this as I came from spilt custody between parents. +I would just like some advice or anyone with past experience to reassure or educate/help me if any way? Thank you so much :)",Anxiety +52621,"Taylor Swift Concert- Anxious and easily overstimulated I’m going to see Taylor Swift next month. I’m classically anxious in crowds and hate feeling trapped. I don’t do malls or places like IKEA. I can barely handle Walmart. I’m also just easily overstimulated. + +Any tips on how to cope with this all? +I plan to wear ear plugs and will probably have a couple drinks. + +I’m really nervous though and I’m looking for suggestions on what I can pack as a sort of emergency kit for my anxiety or ANYTHING else to cope. + +I want to have a good time and not be in a constant state of fear the whole time. Thanks!",Anxiety +52622,"I just wanna sleep but my heart is beating through my chest I don’t even know why. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax, I can’t focus on anything but my heart. It’s all I feel right now. Every time I try to calm myself down, it feels like it gets worse. Guess I’m not getting any sleep tonight.",Anxiety +52623,"Note to self, don’t use r/teenagers or you get creepy dms. So I’ve been trying to answer my dms to try to help my anxiety. It’s just something I started doing because it pushes me out of my comfort zone a bit. I don’t get dms often so I don’t worry too much. + +Anyways got a dm about an hour ago from a dude, real creep, knew from the first message, but that fucked up part of my brain wanted to see where it went for some reason. Anyways, we talked for a bit (i know im an idiot) until he went to the creep zone. I ended up calling him out by saying “you’re weird af. now I know why you have a burner” and just leaving the chat and blocking him but now I’m a bit nervous I did too much. I feel like an idiot because I know that sort of stuff gives me anxiety but I did it anyway. Morbid curiosity got the best of me and now I’m paying the price with anxiety :(. Any advice to calm down. + +I deleted all my recent post on r/teenagers so I should be good but damn, I’m stupid.",Anxiety +52624,"Recovery from fear of seizures? Hey! I have an irrational fear that I have epilepsy, and I haven't met that many people with health anxiety who share this specific fear. I know all anxiety is the same at the end of the day, but it'd be comforting to hear about how other people who got over this specific fear.",Anxiety +52625,"I’ve been waking up multiple times at night with elevated heart rate. Is that anxiety? I’ve been waking up daily for the past month multiple times with elevated heart rate. It only lasts a min or two and my heart rate goes back to normal. Is that anxiety? When it started, I was in the middle of a very stressful situation. But that has passed and I am still experiencing racing heart. How do I know whether it is anxiety or underlying health problems.",Anxiety +52626,"Needing help please Any tips for dealing with someone who appears to be borderline and have emotional terrorist tendencies? +I have anxiety and I’m not able to manage properly these days and every interaction I have with that person takes a toll on me. The thing is that person also need help and I have no idea how to respond to all the drama.",Anxiety +52627,,Anxiety +52628,"I had Anxiety attack over the cat i’ve met today So i walked to the grocery store near my house, and i saw a poor cat with her right eyes almost gotten out in front of someone house. and I cried cause I can’t bring her home cause i already had a lot of cats. So i went back to my house to bring her a food and water instead. but she only drink the water she doesn’t want to eat:( i’m also scared and questioning myself is she a real cat or demons? cause she has no tail(in my country cats that doesn’t have tail are demons). but she has a shadow tho. and when i’m about to leave that cat, she kept looking at me and when i’m on my way home there is a quite big shadow of bird flew around like making a circle( I walked under the tree btw). i feel so bad for feeling like this and i feel so bad for not taking that little cat. I feel like completely a bad person now",Anxiety +52629,"Why does he stare at me so much? My coworker constantly looks at me. I’ll be standing in the room getting ready and he will walk in and immediately look at me. He constantly glances and stares at me. One time he was looking at me and I rolled my eyes and looked away from him. I looked back at him and he walked out of the room with a hurt, upset look on his face.",Anxiety +52630,"what are you doing to fight trembling, shaking, tremors, vibrating, jittery symptoms? Do you take medication or supplements to get rid of these symptoms?",Anxiety +52631,,Anxiety +52632,"Does Studying Trigger Extreme Anxiety? I have this real weird thing that happens to me. + +So besides my work life, I have potential academic plans. I love studying, reading, writing. I have so many ambitions with all these things I want to write. I might even publish them. I spend a lot of time-effort on these studies I do on my personal life. + +The weird thing is, whenever I go into focused studying, the idea that I will die anyways comes to my mind. I start to feel like this effort is for nothing, that I will die eventually, maybe even soon. I read about these scholars of the past, and see that some of them died so young. What will all this information help me with if I am going to die anyways? Will I have enough time to categorize-interpret-publish so much knowledge? + +Anyways, lots of anxious thoughts suddenly rush to my mind about mortality. I had this back in uni as well. I remember when I studied a lot during my masters, I would always start thinking about my mortality and whether all the work I do is even worth it.... + +Is there a scientific explanation to this? Why would studying in a focused manner put me in such an existential crisis each time? + +&#x200B; + +note: I use escitalopram for GAD/Panic",Anxiety +52633,"I have the best friends. I canceled plans yesterday because I had terrible anxiety and felt overwhelmed. My best friend drove out of her way to bring me leftovers from the get together because she knew I wasn’t having a good day. + +Is that friendship or what",Anxiety +52634,"Starting to lose the connection with my therapist I’m not sure if maybe my therapist is telling me what I do not want to hear but I feel like I’m getting little frustrated with him. He starts to bring up his personal life as an example sometimes and it wastes time. Also, when I’m explaining something he doesn’t realize the important part I’m trying to discuss and then we end up spending a whole session talking about something that was not even that important for me. Maybe he’s just realizing what’s better to talk about? Idk does anyone have experience with this?",Anxiety +52635,"Abdominal guarding? Not sure if that’s the right term, but does anyone find themselves clenching their tummy all the time? I noticed I do it particularly on the left side. I’ve been having anxiety over PVCs, so I’m not sure if I’m subconsciously guarding that side bc it’s near my heart. I know the vagus nerve is mostly afferent (takes info to the brain), and I’m wondering if the guarding could also be sending signals I’m not safe, thus increasing the anxiety I’m experiencing? Any ideas on stopping this other than increasing relaxation, and becoming more aware? Thanks in advance :)",Anxiety +52636,"Psychiatrist or psychologist? (F,22) TW: self harm, suicide + + +Hey there! I hope this is the right place to post about this. I don't know anyone irl who deals with so much anxiety so here we go. + +Since last summer I've been dealing with a lot of intrusive/obsessive thoughts about my relationship/my partner/me etc which caused a lot of anxiety. From july all the way through december I felt like I was going crazy. I felt so much anxiety and so much emotional pain to the point where I thought I couldn't function properly. I would've done anything to stop feeling anything at all. And everything between me and my partner was fine, I didn't have any reason to feel like this. + +In january I started to feel a bit better (anxiety wise), but I started to self harm again (I don't do this constantly, only once or twice every few months I guess). In january and february I felt so sad and so numb that I didn't care about anything anymore. I think I also experience suicidal thoughts but I am very afraid to die so idk if I actually do experience them. I still feel a little bit anxious and I do experience self harm thoughts here and there but overall I can function decently. + +I've never been to a psychiatrist or psychologist and so idk where I should start. The thing is, therapy is very expensive and I can't afford it right now. I could afford going to a psychiatrist tho, but i don't know if my situation is that bad in order to reach out to a psychiatrist. I am scared they won't take me seriously and that they will tell me to go to therapy instead. + +Do you have any advice regarding my situation? Any response would be much appreciated.",Anxiety +52637,,Anxiety +52638,"I feel like if I stop worrying, something bad will happen, on and off sense of doom. For several days I was convinced I had appendicitis… well I’m finally out of that stage THANKFULLY. or at least almost out of it, but now I’m convinced if I stop worrying about it happening or something then it’ll happen or if I stop worrying in general something bad will happen like my therapist cancelling or just some form of misfortune. I’m not used to having good things happen to me and my life is finally starting to improve so I’m just constantly on edge. My past four dreams havent been good, in one my friends started being rude to me, in another my food messed up, I wasn’t able to eat, my family was rude and my period started (haha my period then started 30 minutes after waking up), and these past two other days were focused on appendicitis in one I got it, had bad pain and then woke up freaking out (only had back pain tho which passed), and in the other I had it and got surgery. That dream did help me start to slowly get over my fear of it though. But I feel like if I stop worrying then it’ll happen, i know when I finally get distracted I start to think “huh maybe I’ll be okay, i don’t feel like anything bad would happen” and then sudden fear and feeling of it going to happen. Fucking lord go away. I just need to be okay for 13 more days and then I can see my therapist but my mind doesnt think ill make it in these 13 days. Like it’s certain I’m going to die and if that doesn’t happen then something else bad will, especially if I stop worrying argh",Anxiety +52639,sleep anxiety doe anyone else ever get so worried that they’re going to die in their sleep that they stay up all night or is that just me 😅,Anxiety +52640,Night time left arm pain Any help here is great… here is my issue. I get bad night anxiety. My left armpit feels tense after falling asleep for maybe 3 hours average. I then may feel it stem to the left side of my neck and dullness tension in arm. I always feel it is a sign of a heart condition But I believe it to be my anxiety. I’ll then be up for 2-3 hours trying to feel it subside or me to become tired to fall back asleep. This really only happens at night. I feel five during the day. I sleep alone and I’m 26. I do lift weights few days a week. Anyone have any suggestions for me? I just want to live/sleep like a normal person. Really sucks. Been going on for a few months.,Anxiety +52641,"How to get over anxiety/fight or flight when people are in my personal space all the time?? Hi everyone. I noticed my anxiety over the past couple months has gotten worse. I used to maintain decently w cbd here and there, but I find that I'm getting frustrated or my fight or flight is seriously kicking in + + + + + + +For context, just shopping in a store the other day. I'm reaching for a can of food and my bf is near me. Suddenly, a middle aged man w a cart barrels through towards me and an employee is inches from me, reaching for items directly below me. I suddenly moved so I wouldn't be touched or run over by this guy w the cart. No 'pardon me' 'excuse me', nothing. + + + +This morning I come to do my laundry at my local laundromat. I usually chat w a little old lady here but she usually gets in my personal space to clean literally crumbs from the floor. + + + +I am putting laundry in and I'm suddenly butt-to-butt with the laundry attendant, a woman comes in w a body bag sized laundry bag and almost hits me w it and I try to back up and the laundry woman is directly behind me, inches behind me + + + + +I finished loading the laundry and went to my car for a deep breath. I called my bf to vent and he understands mostly how I feel. I also am starting to feel like an emotional burden to him. + + + +Idk how to cope anymore. I feel like I'm on edge all the time. +Any tips would be amazing. I don't have health insurance so I can't be seen by a doctor anytime soon +Thanks for listening",Anxiety +52642,"Why can’t I just do things My bf is going out with some friends tonight and I was too scared to ask if I could come along. Normally I would but recently he said he wanted some space so it doesn’t feel right asking him if I can tag along places anymore. He’ll always say yes just to be nice. + +Then my friends call asking if we want to hang out with them and I’m like bf is already going out. At this point I freak out. Urgent social interaction and I would have to ask bf for a ride. No I don’t want to bother him. + +I feel stupid that I wanted to go out so bad. But when I was offered another chance to go out I declined because I was too scared of everything. + +I was too scared to ask to go with him + +I was to scared to ask for a ride + +I was too scared to go to an unplanned social event + +Tomorrow I have a planned social event and now I feel so insecure. It just feels like a cycle. Why can’t I just do these things? + +EDIT: next day and I found out he got a ride for once since he’s always DD so I couldn’t have asked for a ride anyway. + +If I had asked for a ride I think it would have been worse because he would have felt pressured to drive me which again would not be great since he asked for space a while back. + +I was feeling like the call was a sign to go out and I didn’t. So I was feeling down on myself for choosing to miss out. But now that I know I probably could not have gotten a ride anyway somehow I feel better lmao + +Weird how that works isn’t it",Anxiety +52643,"Any confidence tips for a job interview? I’ve got an interview in 3 hours and I’m stressing about it a lot, any tips/input would be appreciated :)",Anxiety +52644,"Constantly having dreams (or nightmares) about doing school presentations I'm 27, but I've been having dreams about having to do school presentations and knowing that all the students are going to be watching me. It's not super frequent, but at least once or twice a month for the past few months. I don't even have any presentations coming up, like for work...",Anxiety +52645,"XANAX FOR PHOBIA Hello. I am a 18y old boy. From a very young age I have a fear of doctors. My heartrate was 160 the last time when i went to the doc. She told me to go to cardiologist. I said to her that i dont have problems with the heart but she was still wanting to go. So i went, made an ECG, the heartrate was 170 but the heart was healthy. So I think the best solution is to take Xanax before going to the doc...i have it at home from 1 year but for other reasons. How much should i take so i can feel calm the next time i go to the hospital? +Sorry if my English is bad... :)",Anxiety +52646,"Anxious habit help Hi everyone, + +I have always struggled with an anxious habit of chewing on the ends of my hair. It’s really damaging to it and it’s preventing it from growing. I never do it intentionally, it’s always something I find myself doing when I’m trying to focus on something that’s making my anxiety spike up. Does anyone else experience this?? I need all the tips I can get. I try to tie my hair up but I’m one of those people who can’t have their hair in a ponytail for long periods of time just because it’s uncomfortable.",Anxiety +52647,"College with crippling anxiety I’ve tried everything. I was withdrawn before because of my lack of attendance 5 months ago due to my anxiety, I have started college again after being on Zoloft for a while, but my anxiety is still just as bad. I have gone into college more but I still feel unable to function thinking of all the people around me. I have only been in 6 times so far and I can’t cope, I’m scared of being withdrawn again just because of my inability to go in sometimes. I just want to get on with my life.",Anxiety +52648,"How do you help anxiety that manifests via chest pains/aches? I've noticed recently that my anxiety is showing itself more in my chest with aches and the insomnia, and clenching my jaw is getting worse. I want to be able to help myself but I honestly don't know what to do besides take two benadryl and make myself tired. Help please.",Anxiety +52649,"Anxiety So I just need a bit of reassurance that I am not alone with this and a few tipps if you have. I'm currently holding my first job after uni and during this first year my finances have been a huge trigger for my anxiety. +At the moment I am scared to look at my online banking. Scared that I am not able to cover my basic finances. Of losing that little bit of financial independance and security I have for the first time. I just feel totally unequiped to deal with money.",Anxiety +52650,Can anxiety cause this ? A spot that almost constantly itches on my chin and around my mouth under lip? My facial hair even feels more prickly. It seems I am having hypersensitivity to sounds and feel lately as well. I also have bruxism and clench almost all day without paying attention. I had my kidneys and liver all checked out good in November. This started in December. Xanax takes it away yes but if it was something other than anxiety I think Xanax would still take it away.,Anxiety +52651,,Anxiety +52652,"Wedding speech in a few days, social anxiety So I’ve always had an aspect of social anxiety within me, usually in groups of more than 3 or 4 people. One on one or in a group of 3 in absolutely fine. + +I had some bad experiences of speeches and presentations back in high school and totally avoided it throughout my adult life. + +I’m now 31 and the only public speaking (if you can calll it that) I’ve done is a hand full of interviews to no more than 3 people. + +I’m my brothers best man at his wedding in a few days and I’ve got to do it in front of 100 or so people which seems absolutely alien to me. My heart races and I get sweaty palms just thinking about it or practicing in front of a mirror. + +I hate the sound of my own voice and it just begins to break/shake and I go bright red and my mouth makes this involuntary frowning thing like I’m about to cry whenever I’ve had to do it in the past. + +I’ve read online countless tips and advice but I just don’t feel these people have it half as bad as I do? I’ve resorted to getting a low dose of diazepam from my doctor (only 6 2mg tablets) and they have told me to take a maximum of 3 of theses before the speech. Will this honestly help? I appreciate the concerns about mixing alcohol and diazepam but I do believe that is a low dose and I only plan on having 1 or 2 small bottles of beer before the speech. + +Any tips/advice? + +TIA.",Anxiety +52653,"Why is my love life non- existent? I been seeking a partner for years now and never meet anyone I am compatible with and vice versa who I share values and ofc chemistry with!! + +Why",Anxiety +52654,"I feel like a tightly closed fist My exhaustion, anxiety, high standards and low effort are all ruining my life. I let the whole day outside of work pass me by. I don’t workout anymore, I take all of my feelings out on food and then beat myself up for allowing myself to make the less healthy choice. I sleep as much as I can. I feel exhausted all of the time. I constantly feel like I’m on a time crunch. I feel like I missed the boat in life. I realized all the things I wanted to do too late and I don’t need to hear the “it’s never too late” bullshit because for some career paths, it just is and that’s the reality I have to face. I’m digging myself deeper and deeper and I know I am but I can’t STOP. Im going to ruin my life. I see myself doing it. Im going to lose my fiancé and my dog and my roof. I can’t drag myself out of this. I wake up late, I binge eat, I tell myself I’ll start tomorrow, I don’t clean because I slept in too late and now I’m out of time and I need to get ready, I cry my eyes out because weeks go by like this and then maybe my shits together for a week and I prep my food and stay on the house and get to work on time and I can get up at 7 instead of 10 and I can workout every day and wash my hair more than once every week and a half. I feel so lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t stop spiraling and I know I sound insane. I’m just so sad and lonely and anxious feeling all the time and I feel like such a FAILURE. God, help me.",Anxiety +52655,"Not doing too good this morning… Slept maybe an hour last night. Too stressed over going into the office today. I only go in once a week, but I hate it. I feel like I’m going to throw up any minute and feeling super light headed. Feel like calling in but I didn’t go in last week either because I had an appointment. Anxiety over going in and anxiety over calling out… 😅",Anxiety +52656,Help Why do I check my phone so much even the Whatsapp ? I am unable to concentrate on anything else properly I just tend to wait for people to text me???,Anxiety +52657,"Electric shock like feeling? I’m not even sure if this is the right group but as an anxiety sufferer I figured it’s worth a shot. During an extremely stressful life phase last fall, I began experiencing an electric shock like feeling in my chest - lasts for 2 seconds tops, and feels like you’re being electrocuted then it just goes away. It’ll sometimes come and go for 10 minutes sometimes a few days. It totally went away for me last November, and now it is back today. I’m just at such a loss as to what could cause this but wondering if it’s anxiety related or if anyones experienced this what did it end up being?",Anxiety +52658,"Absolutely terrified / health anxiety +20/ female + +I went to the toilet today and there was +maroon coloured blood when I wiped. When I passing stool the first part felt quite hard and then some pieces. Yesterday my butthole was burning quite a lot + +I have quite bad upper abdominal discomfort, I have tried so many over the counter meds but nothing is working and I’m absolutely petrified this turns out to be the worst. I am waiting to see the GP but I am so scared.",Anxiety +52659,"What is or isn't a panic attack? Hi folks, + +I have been diagnosed with GAD last year and still am discovering/recognizing all the different symptoms I have. Thank you for this wonderful community btw, I have cried at many of your stories and small victories. + +I was wondering what your panic attacks / anxiety attacks feel like, and what difference you make between the two? + +I keep telling therapists ""oh no I don't have panic attacks"" because in my mind if I'm not passed out on the floor then it's not it, but also I do have attacks of accute stress/rapid heart beat/can't breathe/need to move and get the f out of where I am which I don't know how to qualify. Looking for your experiences so I can put words on what I go through + +Stay strong",Anxiety +52660,"My health anxiety is spiralling I just got back from an eye check up for a new set of contact lenses and the optometrist told me my eyes are healthy and I just have a few eye freckles (they’re on the whites of my eyes and are light grey). After the appointment, KNOWING he said my eyes were fine, I went into a rabbit hole and googled eye freckles and found out that in rare circumstances they can turn cancerous. + +I felt sick to my stomach and want to go back to an optometrist to get them removed but I know I’m sending myself into a spiral. It’s been about two hours now and I’m starting to calm down about it all, trying to tell myself that if anything was wrong I would be told. But I hate this. My brain has to focus on the worst outcome possible. + +Planning to speak to somebody about my healthy anxiety because I feel like it’s getting worse as time goes on. But it sucks.",Anxiety +52661,"i need support please + +Hello, I'm new to this community and I need your support. I am diagnosed with obsessive ocd disorder (rocd) severe depression and emotional addiction and a few hours ago i was in the middle of an ocd crisis and i came across something that triggered me as I was in full compulsion. It was about attachment styles can someone please tell me if i am a good person to love my partner and that an emotionally dependent person has the right to love someone and date them . I'm in such a healthy relationship and I'm proud of it because my previous relationship was very chaotic and so toxic and I'm afraid to be with him that because of my emotional dependency I want to be with him because i love it with all my heart but my thoughts are killing me (i think it's the ocd side pressing where it hurts) Thank you all. Be kind please my ocd makes me believe so many things through messages and it's horrible.",Anxiety +52662,"Feeling dreadful after best friend didn't want me to come on night I know this feeling is unjust, but I can't help but feeling dreadfully anxious and sad that my best friend didn't want me at a night on the Weekend. + +I'd been excluded before in this group of friends when they went on holiday last year together. I was really upset then and just so happened to be very down at that time anyway so I ended up bringing it up and we got into a huge fight where he said he hadn't meant to and these things just happened, but also, I needed to back off. + +So this weekend, he said he'd got a ticket for this night but downplayed it like it was only him and another guy and not the whole group going. But everyone from that group went. He said he hadn't known they were but I'm sure that's not true and now on reflection, they had probably planned it for months. + +I know I have no right feeling this way, people can do what they want but I can't help but feeling really sad about it, like he didn't want me there for a reason and after last time, I don't want to mention anything because I don't think he'd take it well. I know we should be able to do different things, and I'm not saying otherwise but I know everyone in this group and wonder why he didn't want me there. It's making me feel pretty low. We live together but I'm moving out next week, and a part of me is worried he'll slowly cut me out of his life. + +How can I stop feeling like this? I feel pathetic",Anxiety +52663,"Feeling so overwhelmed with my reoccuring thoughts all day I keep thinking of this one social interaction i had today and my mind is never leaving it. Im so tired,",Anxiety +52664,Meds Has anyone on here taken Paxil? I’m on it and I feel so exhausted and lethargic all of the time now and I don’t have the energy to do the things that I enjoy. Do I just need to give it more time? It’s been about a month. Any insight helps. Thank you,Anxiety +52665,"Anxiety after blackout drunk Hello, I am a 17 year old male and last Friday i threw a party when my parents where away. I was pretty amped up because I have never thrown a party so I started doing shots with my friend. After a while I just forgot what happened and woke up the next day. I had left my phone outside and there was a toilet paper roll in the sink covered in water as well as vomit in another sink. I asked my friends and they assured me +I didn’t do anything stupid. However, I have a lingering anxiety that I ruined my +Body or brain. Everytime I think about the blackout I feel the worst anxiety I have ever felt. Can anybody help me out?",Anxiety +52666,"Night time anxiety and noises from upstairs neighbor I rented downstair of a house for a really cheap price with my mom and brother. Upstairs is landlord and their family. I’ve been living here for over four years. Everything is fine except when something is broken and I was afraid the landlord won’t fix it, or scared of landlord will “sell the house” and want us to move out. Anxiety hit real hard + +Earlier this year, my neighbor upstairs - landlord’s daughter - brought home a high school graduated boyfriend. He is childish and usually yell out of nowhere. I have PTSD from domestic violence so this triggers me a lot. It seems like he knows I’m scared, so he brought it full blown one night last month by stomping, laughing, yelling while playing games at night. I try my best with school and hoping to graduate soon after next year to get the fuck out of here. But the panic attack happens every time there are noises at night, and people upstairs are so passive aggressive that this is going no where…",Anxiety +52667,"Finally asked my doc about propranolol Just a little bit ago I sent my doc a message asking if propranolol could be an option for me. + +The fight or flight mode in my body sometimes just activates with no mental triggers I could think of. + +I've heard a lot of good things about it, so I'm hoping she says yes especially with her knowing I HATE taking benzos. + +I'm hoping this'll be the push I need to have a decent recovery, and maybe start working more than 10-12 hours a week + +Feel free to share success stories, I need the support!",Anxiety +52668,"Feeling as blue as the planet is warm TW CLIMATE CHANGE + +I am 22 yo and I've been studying to become a lawyer for the past 6 years. + +I'm on the verge of finishing my studies and I ask myself: what's the point? + +How are we supposed to keep living as if things were normal, as if Society was not rushing towards a brick wall? + +I've been worried about the environment for years, especially feeling helpless and seeing governments and multinationals not giving a damn. + +In order not to be crushed with worry, I held onto the idea that, at worse, our generation would be okay and it's the next one which would suffer the big consequences. + +In reality, it's hard to be that optimistic, especially as IPCC reports get more serious and worrying every time they're issued. + +The idea that Society is on the verge of collapse feels more realistic as time goes by. I'm scared that it will not be able to adapt to climate change, that we will die or live in a post-apocalyptic world. + +I'm scared and I feel helpless, especially as a future lawyer because I don't see the use in lawyers in such a situation. I'm feeling depressed because I feel like my studies are pointless. I don't see how lawyers can be useful to save the world. + +I feel like it's too late for lawyers to be helpful in urgent times, as law is such a slow process. I feel like what we need are people in the field; scientists, real politicians, essential jobs, etc. + +I feel useless, and I feel really unmotivated to keep on working for my master's thesis.",Anxiety +52669,Anxiety at night Anyone’s anxiety worst at bedtime ???,Anxiety +52670,"Thinking of deferring law school due to mental health and burn out. Really need advice and support +Hey all, +For context I’m 17F and in week 4 of 1L, so have just started law school. + +However, these past three years, but specifically last year was so hard on me. On top of enormous pressure and performing at a ridiculous standard in high school to get into law, my grandpa who had been battling with a brain tumour died 3 days before my first exam. These exams were the ones that dictated whether or not I’d get into university. For some background, my grandpa was like my father to me. When I was younger especially, my dad wasn’t home often as he was constantly working as a lawyer and would get home really late so I wouldn’t see him. As a result, my grandparents looked after me and I spent countless hours with them, and still see my grandma every week. As you can imagine, his death was possibly the most devastating thing for me. Seeing someone so articulate and intelligent being unable to move nor speak to you was so hard, but I had to push it all aside and after burying him in the ground, I went into school - no literally, 30 minutes after the burial I had to go to school for final exam prep. + +Anyways, this was in November of 2022. I got through exams, and for the first time in what felt like forever I felt happy at Christmas. My mind was clear, I was surrounded by family and didn’t have any responsibilities. I even managed to stop anti depressants for my anxiety which had been bad from 2020-2022 but especially ramped up in the period of his deaths to the point where I got through my days with whiskey and beta blockers. + +So I had a brief intermission of calm. I was happy for about 3 weeks till about February this year until it all came rushing back. Anxiety, panic attacks, derealization. Just like that put back on 10 mg of lexapro, which I’ve been on for just under 4 weeks. The trigger? Possibly University. Being back in an educational context with such high stakes and workload such as law may have caused this relapse. But I decided I’d push through, and have one to uni these past four weeks with the help of beta blockers. It’s been probably one of the most difficult weeks since my grandpa died. Exhaustion, unable to leave the house without terrible anxiety and just loss of ability to enjoy anything. I’ve spoke to my therapist and he thinks I need a break from study and need some time to actually relax and process to allow my body o heal. + +Besides the mental strain I’ve been under, there’s also been physical and health issues I’ve been dealing with, being hyperthyroidism, and as of a week ago, iron deficiency. Seems like my body wants me to stop, but I don’t want to. Studying gives me a sense of purpose, of validation. + +I guess all I ask for is for some advice please. This is a big decision for me and I really just want someone to talk to and hear me. Thank you in advance :)",Anxiety +52671,"Since December I had a complete breakdown in December, nearly a month to the day after writing my mom out of my life. I am mid 30s, and my therapist said I have two ptsd triggers from childhood trauma, with my mother being the largest chunk. + +The ER trip in December involved barking ""Help"" but feeling like I wasn't the one saying it, and randomly losing consciousness due to hyperventilating, and intense heart palpitations. + +The heart palpitations and hyperventilating happened about 7 years ago as well, and I remember doing similar when I was a young kid. + +I had another panic attack last week, and my anxiety has been up and down. Hydroxyzine for panic instances, and prozac to keep me level. + +My mind instantly goes to the worst places when my anxiety is high: it's a stroke, a heart attack, a tumor, an uncurable/unknown disease. + +Thanks to therapy, I'm no longer depersonalizing/derealizing, but this just means that staying in the moment involves powering through intense heart palpitations, fear, and cold/hot feelings. + +The medication brought back a handful of dreams for the first time in more than a decade or two, but only for a week. But now, I have had a handful of ""simple"" auditory hallucinations, such as a drum beat, a beeping sound, or the sound of water pouring, all of which are coming from in my head. + +Has anyone had a similar mental breakdown after removing someone like a parent? Work has been a stressor too, but my mom was the trigger, and work was the icing. For months before this, I was frequently tired and not hungry at all, and always stressed at work, and had a short temper. + +I just want to feel normal. Right now, things are generally ok, but when that spiraling anxiety occurs, it's really hard to break free and feel like I'm staying sane.",Anxiety +52672,"Toxic Squash Syndrome Ok so for dinner I had a vegan meal from the restaurant down the street. It had teriyaki “chicken”, brown rice, broccoli and pumpkin. About ten minutes in I started getting indigestion and about an hour later I began throwing up with slight abdominal discomfort. It’s been about seven hours since I ate and the puking has finally subsided. How worried should I be? I’m currently dog sitting and away from my partner and just giving myself anxiety thinking the way I’m going to die is from a god damn pumpkin (I’ve been drinking water but still don’t feel like eating)",Anxiety +52673,"Anxiety over appetite loss. I’ve been feeling very flat like depressed lately along my anxiety, like literally I can just cry and it’s hard for me to want to get out of bed. I’ve been taking lexapro for a while and I believe it stopped working. New psychiatrist added 30 mg of mirtazapine with that. I felt like it was helping at first but now I don’t feel it is. I’m meeting with him next week. I feel hungry but I have no appetite, I have to force myself to eat and that’s giving me more anxiety because I have no appetite. Like nothing sounds good, and when I start eating something nothing is sparking that “oh this tastes good I want more” and it’s giving me anxiety and scaring me. It also takes me forever to eat because of it, like I mean forever I feel like I’m just chewing and chewing when I’m usually a fast eater so that’s giving me anxiety. I’m finding that the thought of eating because of that is giving me anxiety and I’m scared that this isn’t normal.",Anxiety +52674,"Klonopin not working? Recently prescribed klonopin for general anxiety/social anxiety and panic disorder. Random facts about how my anxiety- I don’t frequently have panic attacks (couple times a year) but have pretty severe anxiety everyday, from social anxiety to over thinking everything in my life to the point of ruining my day. Also experience nausea before any social setting/event no matter how small, every single time. I also have car anxiety where I do not want to drive and am terrified when I ride with others. + +Been on SSRIS for years, they never work. And when I say don’t work I mean I couldn’t tell you if I was taking a tik tac or my medicine, I genuinely wouldn’t know the difference. Been on lexapro, buspar, Wellbutrin and maybe a few others. My psychiatrist finally decided anxiety is the root, not depression so I don’t need a ssri. + +I’m prescribed .5 a day, half or the whole thing twice a day. Took half of .5 for the first month and tbh I didn’t notice anything. Doctor told me maybe I need to take the full .5 twice a day, so I’ve been doing that and still don’t feel like it’s doing much. Am I immune to medications lol??? I still have anxious thoughts and feelings, I’ll say though maybe the feeling of nausea before social settings has gone away but other than that I feel like my anxiety is still very present ): + +Side note, very very far fetched side note, a thought that I’ve had is maybe, just maybe, ADHD is causing my anxiety? And this is why these medications aren’t working? I’ve read adhd can cause anxiety disorders. +Ugh I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me and how to fix it.",Anxiety +52675,"Trash can, rabies saliva, and many cuts on hand + +Hi guys, so today, I forgot to wear gloves when taking out the trash, and when I took out the trash, I saw squirrel feces, we have a lot of squirrels here. So when I threw the trash away, I accidentally closed it on my hands with cuts. Now my finger with cuts is itching very much. + +Could it have been rabies saliva on trash cans, and now it got into my hand from the trash can. This is our homes trash can which is outside our house. Am I overreacting and overthinking something I should not? Thank you",Anxiety +52676,"MRI anxiety, what does Diazepam do to you? If you have taken diazepam for one thing, not long term, can you please describe what happens? I don’t like not knowing, it is making me more anxious. Like will I feel trippy or sleepy or dopey? + +I have to have an MRI done on my head. First time I went I had a panic attack but got through it after 5 minutes, and they didn’t put headphones on my head under the coil (it’s like a head cage), which made me feel less trapped. I had to have a second MRI last month and I started crying as soon as I saw the machine, then when it came to having the coil and headphones on I had another panic attack. The first time I was on my own and didn’t properly recall that the headphones were a problem. I couldn’t do the second MRI. + +I’m going in to try again this Thursday and my GP prescribed me Diazepam. He didn’t really tell me what it will do to me in detail, just said it will make me less anxious. + +Edit: I had the MRI! I made it through I am genuinely so proud of myself. I thought I’d share the experience in case anyone has a similar question and ends up here. + +Took one 5mg tablet an hour before the scan. I’m about 5 minutes I started feeling tired like I’d got up way too early or stayed up too late. 45 minutes later I was feeling really tired and a bit zoned like I’d had alcohol, drunk without the sick feeling. I got to the appointment and was a bit slow answering questions, mental lag sort of thing. Then in the machine I didn’t panic, I did feel the start of panic but it was very easily tampered down, like it was just a thought. The mri went well, got home and went sleep for 3 hours woke up tired still and a little bit sick, and then have slowly woken up more through the day. Thank you for all the comments it really helped my nerves.",Anxiety +52677,"Long term Clonazapam?? + +Long term Klonopin?? + +I am a 20 y/o male with fairly bad anxiety. Have tried every ssri in the book none of them work and give me horrible side effects. + +My anxiety is as follows: completely random attacks, feel like I’m dying I went to the er many times. I can’t process thoughts in my head pretty much 24/7 (hard time holding conversation). I will sometimes have attacks with stressful situations at work, but I have an important job so I don’t let those attacks stop home from doing my job even tho it can be miserable. + +I have tried many different ssri, hydroxzyine which works sometimes. The only thing that has worked is Xanax. I’m prescribed 1mg, but I typically break it up and take .25-.5 as needed. The only thing I haven’t tried is a beta blocker which I will try next. + +Xanax allows me to have a perfectly clear head. I don’t feel like a retard and trip over my words and feel disassociated when I am on it. I don’t feel sedated or tired I just feel normal. It curbs and prevents panic attacks for usually 6-10 hours. I have been taking it more than I should recently .25-.5 every day to every other day. I do notice some rebound anxiety on the days off but nothing too crazy. + +If a beta blocker doesn’t work I will try clonazapam. I really don’t care about dementia later in life. So my question is if these drugs increase my quality of life dramatically should I really avoid them just because of withdrawls? Yes I know their hell but you don’t go through them if you are on em for long term with no intention of getting off. + +Sorry for the essay pls share input, advice and experience, + +Thanks",Anxiety +52678,"How to make friends? +I have severe social anxiety. I can barely carry a conversation, let alone initiate one. I’m not in touch with any of my high school (toxic) friends. I’m in my late 20s and I basically have no friends. How do I make friends? Not online but in person? I know I’ve asked this question many times on here but none of the suggestions seem to work for me due to my stupid anxiety",Anxiety +52679,"Teeth Pain, Headaches, Hot Flushes I always feel tension headaches everyday which is making me anxious about it. Also, if feel so hot even though my temperature is not high after checking in thermometer. My front teeth aches I dont know ehy. Any tips on what to do?",Anxiety +52680,"“hearing” random noises on my mind when falling asleep, i take clonazepam, it is anxiety? im hypocondriac and i dont want it to be schizo like when im falling asleep i “trought” noises like when u get stuck a music in your head, but in my case are random noises, why is that happening?",Anxiety +52681,"Breaking up with boyfriend of two years because of my anxiety I (25f) have been dating my boyfriend (33m) for two years now. We haven’t really had any problems until my anxiety started worsening about 4 months ago. I’ve had anxiety and depression since middle school and was officially diagnosed with ADHD in January. My anxiety and depression have been at a low for a few years now, which I definitely took for granted. I’m on a couple different antidepressants and got them to a good level. + +About 4 months ago, my anxiety started worsening for no discernible reason. Okay, great, I’m working with my therapist on it and talking to my psychiatrist about it, but my overall mental health is still going downhill. My boyfriend, luckily for him, has never struggled with mental health and has no idea how to relate to me or support me. I’ve been working really hard to communicate with him about how I’m feeling and what I need, but he really just ignores it. + +For example, in January we were out of the country for my work and planned on staying a couple extra nights to make a vacation out of it. Traveling generally heightens my anxiety, especially international travel. A lot of little things happened (including a couple small actions he made) one day that led to an anxiety attack, and he basically ignored the fact that it was happening. A couple hours after I came down from the attack and I had taken a cold shower and eaten a little bit, I talked to him about it a bit. I said “you can correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you don’t know how to respond or support me when I’m having really bad anxiety moments like this,” he said yeah that’s true, so I asked if it would be helpful if I told him a couple things that help when I’m really struggling. He agreed, so I said a few things like getting me some cold water, giving me a hug/holding me, taking a walk with me if that’s an available option, things like that. He said he could work with that. Over the past two or so months since then, I’ve had a few anxiety attacks similar to the one I had in January, and every time he basically ignores my anxiety. I’ve repeated my request a couple times, but it doesn’t make any difference. (There are a lot of other similar issues that have been going on as well.) + +Over the weekend, we had a very short conversation (probably 5 minutes max) and half of it was silence because neither of us knew what to say. (None of this is necessarily in order, I really don’t remember the order because it was really emotionally charged and kind of upsetting.) I said I wanted to try to make it work. I asked him if he wanted to try to make it work, and his response was “I want you to be happy, and I don’t want to be taking that from you whether it’s because I’m not putting the effort in or unable to support you, or something else.” Which didn’t actually answer my question (I guess it did in a roundabout way, though). I also asked if he still loved me, and he paused for what felt like forever before saying “yes.” + +I’ve spent more time crying in the past two weeks than I have my entire life before this. + +I’ve been thinking about our relationship a lot over the past couple months. He’s not a very talkative person in general. If there’s an issue, he ignores it completely or makes passive remarks and doesn’t actually bring it up. I feel like not only am I the only one that tries to open communication lines, but that I’m not getting my needs met also. + +I’ve talked to my therapist about it a bunch, and I think I’ve pretty much made my decision: I’m going to break up with him and work on my mental health. + +It feels terrible sitting on this, knowing the relationship is coming to an end. I have some major events coming up at work this week (including a 4 day long audit that I’m in charge of) so I’m basically trying to balance holding off for as long as possible (I.e. the end of the week) and being anxious and miserable about it and having that hard conversation now and being a different kind of upset and not able to focus at work. Either way, I’m not going to be able to be completely mentally present at work, I’m just trying to figure out what would be best for me and also respectful to my partner. + +I’m struggling with feeling like I’m broken and impossible to love because of my anxiety. I know that’s not actually the case, but it sure feels that way. + +Anyway, thank you for listening. All my family lives out of state and I only have a couple friends, none of which I really talk about deep stuff like this with. I just want a hug. + +I apologize for the long post, I just wanted to get it off my chest.",Anxiety +52682,"Heart/health anxiety Hi all, + +30/m/New York + +This post is about my struggle with health anxiety and the fear that my heart is failing. +Might be a long one but would love to speak to anyone who has/is going through anything similar. + +I have had anxiety for years but have been able to deal with it until recently. + +4 months ago I had some chest pain which caused a massive panic attack. The only way I can explain the sensation is that it felt like someone was grabbing my heart and squeezing. + +A couple of days later I went to my doctor and had all the necessary tests. Blood work, EKG, echo etc. All results came back fine, as expected, except for the fact that I have an oddly low pulse (53 most of the time) and the chest tightness remained. + +Over the next few months my panic attacks became less frequent (twice a week) and my chest tightness began to disappear. + +I managed this by reminding myself throughout the day of any moment where I was distracted enough to feel normal. An hour or two went by and I would be suddenly be reminded that I’m not dying. I feel great. It must all be in my head. + +I had also started weekly therapy during this time but I didn’t find it particularly helpful. My therapist mostly talked for an hour and guided me through breathing exercises. I think what I really wanted was to find the route of the problem. + +More recently, my panic attacks have been worse and more frequent. +I have been feeling heart palpitations a lot, or more accurately, my heart skipping beats. +I began checking my pulse and counting the beats fairly often at this point, causing more anxiety and more panic attacks. + +Now I’m obsessed with my low pulse and my blood pressure machine. Almost all results show high blood pressure with a pulse of 51. + +I have just had a heart monitor on my chest for 48 hours and won’t get the results back for another 10 days or so. + +And this is where I am at… +Frequent panic attacks and the constant thought that my high blood pressure and low pulse will either kill me, give me a stroke or make me faint. + +Anyone else gone through this? + +Thanks!",Anxiety +52683,Anxiety at night I need a solution! I can't sleep,Anxiety +52684,"Am I going crazy? About 2 weeks ago I was walking home from the train station and suddenly felt like I wasn’t real and that everything around me including the world was fake as in I’m not alive or this isn’t real life. + +Naturally I freak out, have a huge panic attack and feel even weirder and more fake till I call someone to talk or calm my breathing. + +This has been happening every few days and I’m really scared that a) I might be psychotic or something, or b) I might be dying. + +Please reply to this if you know what this is, I’m so frightened.",Anxiety +52685,"H e l p please 😭 I can't live like this anymore 😢 Hiiii. So I went to the skatepark for the first time a few days ago. I'm happy about it. I can go down small ramps nothing major. There is a kid down the street who skates like a pro. Only 4 years old too. I see him al the tome so I decided to start skating. No matter jow hard a try ramps are roo scary for me right now. +Everytime I think about skateboarding my hands and feet start to sweat majorly. +I know what your think, just to not think abou ti. But I can't! All I think about is skateboarding. I'm homeschooled and don't have an exciting life because my mom is ill and my dad is long gone somewhere. I love to skate but it gives me anxiety and makes me sweat + In a good way? But it's also bad??? I don't know how to explain it but I want to stop think about it helpppppppppp",Anxiety +52686,I have trouble convincing myself that my friends really love me when I know they do Brain always tells me that they secretly hate me when I know that they don’t. Any advice for me to reassure myself effectively? Any would help!,Anxiety +52687,"Intrusive thoughts anxiety I am having intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend hurting me everyday for the last week. I feel less connected to him since those thoughts started and i keep having a voice in my head that is telling me ""What if i don't really love him"", but I know that I really love him. I am so confused and fell super anxious.",Anxiety +52688,"What's your longest hypervigilant episode? I've personally been in a state like this for about four months now (excluding a single day I felt normal again.) I know this isn't a super long time for some people though. What's your longest episode ever? + +I'm generally curious to see how many people are out there who have been stuck in a hypervigilant state with no rest.",Anxiety +52689,"Can someone please understand me and give me motivation! Hello everyone I hope you’re okay! + +So from January 24th up to know I have fallen back into my anxious state. + +It all started when I went to the big city in January I hadn’t felt anxious in months and I love the city so didn’t expect it. When I was walking off my train all the way down to the shopping centre I felt my legs and they didn’t feel ‘normal’ not weak but not strong and I was really aware of them and felt like my legs would just fail to walk and I’d fall over. The more I walked the more I started to stress out it got to the point where I felt dizzy and a bit lightheaded cause I was panicking and BOOM it hit I’m think OMG am I going to pass out ! I started to panic and think maybe it was diabetes but I’m a slim 22 year old male with no health conditions but in the moment I was panicking it was horrible so derealised and the fear of impending doom ! And then 3 days later I imagine because my nervous system was stimulated I was at my grans putting her bins out and for no apparent reason 0-100mph panic attack my legs instantly out of nowhere felt weak ish and shaky and so didn’t my arms and I let out this big exhale and I felt off balance and kind of dizzy in my head I rushed out the house into the car and sat there for a minute and I was okay but walking from my car to the house again made it happen mildly. Fast forward to today 20th of June i am still struggling with anxiety. Not the instant panic attack weak legs. This is like a head pressure feeling kinda like I’m tilting my head. Anyway I get this when I go on walk and panic and think I’m gonna pass out or fall over and then I think it’s something serious. I am also getting. It in shops. Although I have been in 4 shops the past few days just to ivercome this feeling. The past two times I had it very mild but made it without a panic attack and rushing out. B it because of this and headaches ( I want to say all my symptoms don’t hurt and they aren’t terrible they are 3/10 maybe 4.5/10 when panicking in terms of intensity but i still panic thinking I’m gonna fall to the ground or pass out. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS because I’m currently thinking I have a brain tumour. Basically all I want is reassurance that it’s anxiety and it’s not high blood pressure (had blood pressure check at doctors this year after walking there and it was fine) diabetes( I had general blood tests before and I didn’t have diabetes I am also a slim male 22) brain tumour ( head pressure and headaches making me think. Fairly certain I had similar dizziness years back when my anxiety was at my peak and my doctor kept telling me no brain tumour about 3 years ago. Also I’m scared of having low iron but I guess I just eat more iron and I’ll be okay ? Please let me know what you think. I have had 6 heart tests from three years ago up until now and it’s fine! + +Thank you in advance + +I am also starting to feel my heart rate again to check it and it’s stressing me out and making me more aware of it! + +Also need to mention I play computer games for like 4 hours a day and not that far from my monitor lol. Could be this ? I am also on my phone a lot",Anxiety +52690,"Having trouble sleeping. I have quetiapine and I know it works for me. Tempted to take 25mg so I can sleep. When I try to close my eyes, I have so many thoughts and I’ve tried to talk aloud and tell myself to stop thinking about them but after a few minutes, there they are again in my head. + +Part of me want to not take it but I have work later and I want to make sure I get enough sleep.",Anxiety +52691,"My anxiety is unbearable and my abusive alcoholic father is making it worse My dad is a very angry alcoholic and I’ve dealt with it my whole life. I’ve watched my mother struggle mentally with it too. I also still live with my father and can’t afford to move out at the time. We had an episode tonight and he charged after me and my mom had to get involved. I was already having horrible anxiety and this has increased tenfold. I feel that my heart will give out. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I’ve already made so many mistakes and I can barely hold down a job. Is there anything I can do to deal with this unbearable anxiety 24/7? I don’t blame my anxiety entirely on him, but I can’t help but feel that it’s caused some harm in my life.",Anxiety +52692,"Feeling alone around others Some family are over at my house right now. +I enjoyed the company for a while. I came into my room to clean up a little bit, and just laid down to rest and then go to sleep. +I took a deep breath and a thought came to my mind. I’m in my room and I can hear everyone laughing and joking and just having the time of their lives. It’s so hard because I just want to be in my room watching my show and not having to talk or interact. It makes me feel like such an outsider. I don’t know if I’m making sense. I just feel like I was hit with a sudden realization that anxiety is always there no matter how much I work toward healing.",Anxiety +52693,"Been having very bad nightmares lately. For a time now, I had never had bad dreams, sleep was always quiet and if I had a dream it was always positive. However, lately my dreams has been really bad, it’s always about worst case scenarios where I lose this girl I have been talking to and I feel like I’m developing my feelings towards. Is this anxiety of losing her? How come I never have these thoughts when I’m lucid. P.S. sorry for the bad english I’m not a first hand speaker of english. Thank you!",Anxiety +52694,"Anyone else anxiety symptoms run like clockwork at specific times of the day? I think my GAD is so severe it now has a physiological source where my brain chemistry is messed up. My cortisol or serotonin levels throughout the day decide how I feel. DAE see patterns in their anxiety symptoms like this? + +**Mornings**: Wake up feeling shaky and short of breath, takes 30min of scrolling on my phone to get the motivation to get up. + +**Afternoon**: Tension builds up and I feel stiff and uncomfortable for no reason. Or have an adrenaline dump around this time + +**Early Evening**: Can be 50-50. Either I feel fine or symptoms start up again and last for a bit + +**Late evening**: Right at around 11pm or so some chemical switch goes off in my body and 80% of my issues vanish. It gets easier to breathe, my Heart slows down, and my brain fog lifts. Start feeling much happier too and its very obvious the constant subconscious anxiety has lifted. I have always been a night owl and even before my panic disorder I had weird spurts of energy and motivation in the late evening which made me a productivity machine in the AM. + +**Sleep**: I can sleep relatively ok but if something startles me and wakes me up I have a full on panic attack. I get at least 7h of sleep daily. + +&#x200B; + +I wonder if medication can help fix this. Any experiences?",Anxiety +52695,,Anxiety +52696,"Weird fullness in ears Hello I think this is related to my stress/anxiety +Because lately it’s been kinda worse +But I have this weird fullness in my ears, I started freaking out a little earlier and then noticed my ears starting to feel like this, mostly just one but now it’s in two +And they are sensitive to sound like, idk how to explain it +It’s really uncomfortable and it’s making me freak out even more I don’t know what it is or if anyone else is experiencing it, if someone else is experiencing it please reply to this because I hope it’s not just me.",Anxiety +52697,"water slide this is going to sound so stupid lol but basically i am going to centre parcs with my boyfriend soon and he really wants to go on the tropical cyclone water slide. i have been on it twice, a couple months back at a different centre parcs and i was ok- i did panic and stop breathing the first time, the second time i only stopped breathing for a second lol. Anyways i’m basically asking for advice because I am so worried about this i’m losing sleep and i literally think about it everyday. on the bus a couple days ago my chest felt really heavy and my throat felt all small because I was just thinking about going on the slide. it’s so annoying as i don’t want to seem boring and i’ll be sad if i don’t go on it, however I am terrified! Not even that scared of the slide more scared of the panic. I hate my brain. Any advice?",Anxiety +52698,"Intrussive thoughts So yeah, me and my girlfriend have great times with each other, but i keep getting these thoughts that i need her to say that she loves me constantly or she doesn't feel it, anytime we have even the smallest discussion i think she hates me so i need vonstant reassuring of her feelings, and i think that might annoy her, how do i deal with these thoughts?",Anxiety +52699,Panic attack in car. Any help appreciated Hey guys currently stuck in my car dry heaving trying to get the strength to get out and grab the few things I need from the store any help appreciated,Anxiety +52700,I go back to school tomorrow and I’m anxious Any tips to keep calm throughout the day?,Anxiety +52701,Anxiety and headaches I've had a headache for 6 days and my doctor said today that it's most likley anxiety and stress but I feel like it has to be something worse like an anyersum or stroke. But my dad is saying I need to believe the doctor but it's so hard too it just feels like im dying.,Anxiety +52702,"I’m (29M) having bad anxiety in new relationship I (29M) started dating my girlfriend (24F) around 3 months ago. Almost a month ago we became officially boyfriend/girlfriend, and since then my anxiety has sky-rocketed. + +At the start I used to be pretty confident, always trusted her etc, but now I’m struggling. She has given me 0 reason not to trust her, but I’m always thinking worst case scenario. She is on her phone? Probably talking to another guy. She goes out with her friends? Probably cheating on me. Yesterday we were together in bed and I saw she was looking at some photos on her phone, and could see on the photo reel some pictures I didn’t recognize. The background was red, and that was everything I could actually see (I was without glasses). I immediately started thinking that those pictures are probably with a random guy, and that she is cheating on me. I mean, even if they were photos with someone else (which I don’t even know if they were photos of her/screenshots/ a random thing etc), she can have photos with friends without me thinking this. + +I know this is not healthy, and while I haven’t showed her my anxiety, I’m sure at some point I will mess up and she will probably start distancing herself. I mean, this reeks controlling behavior, right? I even had some issues with my bank that I thought she caused (not at all). This is my second relationship, my first was not great but my ex never cheated or anything, so I’m not sure what is causing this. Could it he that Im insecure? Or just don’t want to lose her? My gf is awesome and I really enjoy our relationship so far. She is attentive, shows interest, always makes time for us, cooks for me etc. I feel loved. + +It is worth noting that I almost screw everything up at the beginning, as I broke up with her before we were oficial for another girl. I realized my mistake shortly after and she accepted me back (after apologizing and having a deep conversation with her). I’m constantly thinking that I don’t deserver her after that, and that if I were her, who knows if I would have taken me back. Could this be part of it? + +TL:DR: I (29M) started dating my gf (24F) over 3 months ago. She has given me 0 reason to not trust her, but I’m constantly anxious thinking the worst (that she is talking with other people, cheating on me etc). This makes me fear I will eventually become very controlling. How can I address this?",Anxiety +52703,"just realized my carbon monoxide detector is expired and im freaking out ever since i was maybe 10-11, ive had an irrational fear of carbon monoxide poisoning. its gotten better now that im older, but it used to be so bad to the point where i would refuse to sleep some nights because i was convinced that i would die in my sleep from carbon monoxide poisoning, and that i wouldnt be able to hear the alarm going off if there ever was a leak. + +i currently have one CO detector in my house (a battery operated one), and its in my living room. i recently read somewhere that CO detectors (at least the first alert ones, which is the kind i have) are only effective for about 5-7 years. i unplugged mine and checked the back and saw that the date of manufacture was march 2nd, 2016, which was almost exactly 7 years ago. although the alarm hasnt given the end of life warning yet. i even tested it to see if it was still working, and it was, although there was no green or red light. dont know if that means its not receiving power, or what, or if thats normal. + +its currently 11pm, so i cant really go out and buy another CO detector right now. im just scared that there will be a leak or something tonight, and that my detector wont go off and i'll die in my sleep, along with my pets. i know its extremely unlikely that there will be a CO leak tonight, but i cant help but think about it. i'll probably buy another detector tomorrow if im able to. im terrified right now. i feel like this is such a stupid thing to be afraid of, and im not really sure why ive been afraid of it for so long. any reassurance would be very much appreciated. + +i hope i'll be able to get some sleep tonight.",Anxiety +52704,"Anyone else out there with cardiophobia? Think I've accepted now I've got pretty bad cardiophobia. + +Get every manner of symptom missed beats, fast HR at rest, dizzy, sick, lightheaded, legs feeling heavy, sometimes stabbing chest pain. + +Had a million heart tests all normal. + +What symptoms do you guys get? How did it all start for you? And what has actually helped you get out of this hole of being scared of your own heart? + +It's insane to even remember what it was like just going about your day and not thinking every slight physical symptom is your heart about to stop beating.",Anxiety +52705,"I’m going on anxiety detox☠️ I want to cut caffeine and sugar intake and start meditating everyday, 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night(after 10 days I’ll start meditating 40 minutes a day) I’ll also add running 5 kms🤫 + +I want to report how I feel during this project and I’ll try to understand if my anxiety really goes away. + +(thankuu for all the support it’s really cute) + +Day 1/30 20.03 ✅ + + • Overall, this day was easy for me, I didn’t experience any headaches from my new no-sugar-no-caffeine diet, my mind felt more a bit less stressed than yesterday though I slept 6 hours at night(I accidentally ate one sweet oopsies)But I had a public speech and my body responded with a fight or flight response☠️ Public speaking is one of those things that I want to master by dealing with my anxiety issues… + +Day 2/30 21.03 ✅ + + • Lmaoo today I did feel those headaches after cutting caffeine. They were not so strong, though. I definitely feel less anxiety, but not so much. My legs almost died when I was running and my sneakers are dirty af(the weather conditions in my city are ☠️)Anyway, I did well. + + • I took a test so I can track my anxiety. I got 11/38 score, it was a social anxiety test because sometimes I start worrying when I talk with people🥲The test results say that my anxiety level is considered as low, and that’s true, but I want to feel 100% confident around any person and in any situation. Public speaking still awakens in me fear of being judged, so it’s still a big way to go. + +Day 3/30 22.03✅ + + • It was really hard to get up from bed and I don’t know why, maybe because of cutting sugar. Meditated twice in the morning because yesterday I accidentally fell asleep while wanting to take a nap… Omg my legs hurt so much when I run🤩Today I feel more stable than before this project and even yesterday as if my inner psychological core or something has grown stronger… I stopped worrying about little things that always bothered me before this challenge. For example, I stopped hesitating to talk to handsome guys😹 + +Day 4/30 23.03✅ + +• I probably won’t run today, my legs are sore. I stopped having mood swings🫢Feel much more relaxed than ever before. Things really bother me much less. I just stopped thinking random negative thoughts. My hands used to shake from stress sometimes, now it doesn’t happen.(upd no it still does)I had little eczema caused by my nervousness on the back of my hand, now it’s completely gone. Headaches don’t bother me, I don’t crave sweets, but I started to eat much more. + +Day 5/30 24.03✅ + +• I feel really good🥺I started to understand my anxious thoughts and emotions and realised how I used to repress them, their symptoms (rapid heartbeat, trembling hands). It’s funny how they’re going away now when I noticed my resistance towards them. Like, I used to get annoyed and try to control my body when my hands started shaking or tried to calm down my heart when I get worried, now I just… let go of control. Today I also didn’t run, instead I walked 6kms on a high speed. I don’t mean to ruin the challenge, it just seems like I injured my legs. + +Day 6/30 25.03⏳ + +•",Anxiety +52706,"Can you ever really heal general anxiety disorder? Can you ever really heal general anxiety disorder? Is it more so you can only manage it over the years but not really heal it? Or maybe manage over the years and it decreases slowly over time and then eventually heals? Or could it be healed more in a sudden moment, like maybe after a few days the anxiety is just completely gone?",Anxiety +52707,"Is it normal for my body to feel so heavy and urge to just give up? I am nearly 2 months in having bad anxiety. Spring break I didn’t really do much because my body felt so heavy as if it just wants to drop and rest. Especially my arms, I can be on my phone laying down and it would randomly have the urge of just dropping. Raise your arm a bit and just drop it. That’s what I feel it wants to do. It’s never actually dropped or anything just I get a feeling that it wants to, as if someone is pulling my limbs down. I also notice when I’m driving my foot just feels weird like heavy and when I turn the wheel too. And I feel weak. I’m kinda new to anxiety and I just want to know if anyone else has or had this problem before and how to fix it.",Anxiety +52708,"DAE have an element of narcissism with their anxiety/OCD, IE ""My anxiety is the worst, and no one else's anxiety is like mine or can relate to me""? I have been a sufferer of GAD and pure O OCD for years (possibly my whole life). One interesting aspect of my own anxiety is that I have developed a sort ""pride"" in my anxiety, in the fact that I think it's so bad that no one else could possibly even relate , or even be close to mine. + +I have identified and hypothesized that this is really a form or manifestation of narcissism, and possibly a coping mechanism. + +Throughout my journey of anxiety, my brain has tried to deal with the helplessness of anxiety by trying to twist my crippling anxiety into a form of grandiosity (delusional), which I am hypothesizing is the narcissism aspect.",Anxiety +52709,"How to deal with anxiety caused by new in site job? I had pretty bad problems with anxiety a couple of years ago, but I managed to get better. For the last couple of years, I worked remotely, my job was calm and my colleagues were nice. + +Two weeks ago I started a new office job. +At first, felt just drained mentally and physically and I thought that this was just me adjusting to my new lifestyle, but now I feel how my anxiety is back. Being locked in a small room the whole day surrounded by people that I don't know has taken a tow on my mental health. And this in only 2 weeks! + +I have the option to work someday of the week remotely, but I was hoping to be in the office until I get a grasp of what are my day-to-day tasks. + +So do you have any advice on how I can deal with this for at least a couple more weeks until I feel comfortable getting an home office day?",Anxiety +52710,"chest pains Curious if anyone has same symptoms as me, i’ve gone to several doctors for chest pain mainly in my sternum, brain fog, fatigue, tingle in my hands, sometimes bit of confusion, & breathlessness. i’ve gotten blood work done and ekg’s because I believe it maybe a cardiovascular issue but all came clear.. doctors believe it may be anxiety. I don’t believe I am an anxious person and I am capable of coping with stresses which is why i’m pretty reluctant on that. I have had a very intense last two years but I never believed it would effect me with these type of symptoms. Curious to know if these are symptoms of anxiety? I am currently on hyrdoxyzin and 24 years old.",Anxiety +52711,"Anxiety spiking after starting fluoxetine (Prozac) Hello all! I’m new here. I recently decided to take a break from a problematic drinking habit and found that I had been self medicating for anxiety more than I realized, as it sprang back with a fury. + +I decided to go back on ssri’s, fluoxetine (generic Prozac) specifically. I figured it would help me with the depression and anxiety as my brain healed. I’ve been abstinent from alcohol for 82 days now. The first few days of fluoxetine were amazing, but then mid last week I started feeling really, really anxious. Like, unprovoked, where are these waves of intense anxiety coming from? anxiety. + +I’ve been on anti depressants in the past, so I’m no stranger to their effects, but I don’t remember having this negative of a reaction. Ive been trying every coping mechanism I know. I have a very supportive family and am seeing a therapist, so I’ll get through this. It’s just extremely uncomfortable. + +Did I mention that I’m a middle school music teacher? It’s really hard to stand up in front of a room of adolescents and conduct a rehearsal when you are in full fight or flight mode. + +Anyone else have this experience? I read several posts on here from people saying that the ssris fixed the depression, but not the anxiety. I am hoping for more positive results in the long run. Have a great one!",Anxiety +52712,"Sweating Whenever I visit in a group of 3 or more in the same room after about 45 minutes I start to sweat a lot and smell and feel really hot. It doesn’t matter if I’m with strangers, friends or family. +Does anyone else feel like this? Or have any suggestions?",Anxiety +52713,"i cant get rid of intrusive, repetitive thoughts, 24/7 in my head its like having these bad thoughts as background noise in my mind. i cant get rid of them. when i listen to music, when i scroll socials, when i watch tv/videos or when i play something. when i take a walk, when i read a book, when i eat, when i talk with someone. always. + +they are usually about something bad that happened to me 2 months ago. its like thinking about this trauma over and over again, thinking about what happened, changing the conversations in my head, etc. its exhausting, i just want to let it go. i cant sleep well, i wake up several times during the night and when i wake up, i immediately start thinking about that stuff. + +it got better since 2 months ago because im on antidepressants now and doing therapy but im really, really tired.",Anxiety +52714,"How to stop overthinking? For some time now I’ve been overthinking a lot, it’s mostly when I’m in bed about to go to sleep. It’s like my mind is going 1000 mph and I can’t stop it. It sucks and I lose hours of sleep cos of it. If anyone knows some tips or tricks that can help me please let me know.",Anxiety +52715,"Feeling weird since I told my friend about my progress. Why? So I think, I don't like to tell people about the hard work I am doing. Ex: waking up early, following a schedule, working out. And a few days ago, I told this friend that I have started following a new schedule. They were thoroughly impressed. But I keep feeling uneasy about it, almos guilty. Has anyone felt this? How do I get over this?",Anxiety +52716,"Did I have a panic attack? About a month ago I (F 25) had (what I think) was a panic attack. I’ve gone through childhood physical and emotional abuse and traumatic events in adult hood (family member has tired to take their life a few times) but I have resisted the idea of getting professional help for myself since I was 11/12 and have only opened up about 90% with my long term boyfriend. + +In 2017 I was at an all time low and was feeling like life wasn’t worth it and felt numb to the world. One night after going for dinner with work friends I was walking home and collapsed on the ground. I was conscious but felt so numb my body and mind just gave up there and then. Some people came to help me and called an ambulance for me. When the paramedics arrived the shook me and got me on a bed I didn’t talk but could hear them. I suddenly snapped out of it when they rolled me into the ambulance and started crying. The paramedic pricked me with a needle on my finger to test me for something. It hurt and was unexpected. They said they had to take me to the hospital to check me out but I was sure in my head that nothing was physically wrong with me. I got to the hospital and was so embarrassed and ashamed that I told staff I should leave and I went home. I was so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed and still am. How dare I just let all that happen when I wasn’t an emergency and what if someone somewhere needed help and was dying. I just don’t understand why didn’t snap out of it. + +Fast forward to a month ago. I was at first aid training (ironically) and that machine that pricks your finger was brought out to show us. The instructor used it on his own hand. I remembered immediately what I had done in 2017 and all the feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment came rushing back. I didn’t think much of it and we moved onto what the readings of the blood would tell you. I suddenly started feeling my hands sweat and a hotness covered my hands and seemed to radiate throughout my whole body and face. I was taking notes and my hand became so weak I couldn’t keep writing. Then I realised my hands were shaking uncontrollably. At this point I was thinking it was in my head but then my heart started racing sooo incredibly fast. I was still sure it was in my head as all I could think about was that I’m not someone who faints at the sight of blood. Then I started feeling like I was going to faint and to my embarrassment I had to stick my hand up and say in-front of the class I was not feeling well. I got up and staggered outside the room and sat on a chair. The instructor followed me , clearly concerned. I then started thinking I was having a heart attack and was about to die. I genuinely started thinking what is everyone going to think if I die right here, my boyfriend, my family. I was telling the instructor that I don’t normally faint and that I felt weird and that my pulse was fast. The instructor took my pulse and told me to slow my breathing (hadn’t even noticed how fast and heavy I was breathing). Soon as he told me that I started calming down and thought if he’s not worried about me dying then maybe I’m not. I started feeling much better after that. At the end of the class he said he reckons it was ‘a little bit of anxiety’. + +Was that a panic attack? Whatever it was it scared me. Since then I’ve had 6 more with varying degrees but the first was the worst. This has pushed me to tell my doctor I need to speak to someone as I’m scared it’s going to happen in public and now I’m being referred to therapy so I’m not diagnosed with anything yet so am clueless. Sorry for the long post.",Anxiety +52717,Can you graduate with an anxiety disorder? Any success stories? I am struggling.,Anxiety +52718,texting anxiety does anyone else get so much anxiety from texting? i struggle so much with texting people and it’s something that seems so minor and simple but it brings me so much anxiety. i always end up “ghosting” everyone i text.,Anxiety +52719,"(Trigger Warning) Does anyone else get an anxiety attack when… Is it just me? Anyone have advice on how to manage/ treat? Does anyone else have anxiety attacks over small things of repetitive nature? Like for example I can have a full on attack when my bf picks or pulls at his beard. Or when someone is tapping their fingers or legs. It seems like I get triggered by other people’s coping mechanisms. + +This has been extremely frustrating because my bf has this habit when he is anxious and not even realizing it and it’s causing my to have attacks and then I am zorped and on edge. And he is constantly on edge trying to look out for me. + +We are trying different things like closing doors, and both trying to be mindful but I would really like help on how to manage and treat it. Does anyone else share a similar experience? + +I am also currently in therapy and working on it but she doesn’t have any experience with this and am beginning to give up.",Anxiety +52720,"wanting to be seen I've spent most of my life craving sympathy and understanding from others, hoping someone would notice my struggles and help me but even when people do try to help me i shut down. i don't want to burden others with my problems and ik not everyone knows how to comfort someone who is experiencing extreme anxiety or a panic attack. but even when i turn down others help i still sit here going ""wow i wish someone would help me. why is no one noticing that I'm struggling?"" it's so stupid and contradicting in my head and i have no clue how to even begin to get over it.",Anxiety +52721,"How Can I Manage My Stress In These Situations? Over the past few weeks the relationship with one of my roommates has soured and we are debating taking him to court for coercion and withholding of owned money. While I’m not going to be the one taking him to court, the tension in the home has caused me an incredible amount of stress and anxiety. I’ve been having chest pain, heart palpitations, and often feel like I’m breathing through a straw. + +I can’t move out for about a month yet and I’m trying to manage this stress the best I can, but it keeps piling up and getting worse. I don’t feel comfortable in my home or room unless the door is locked, but hearing them walk around really spiked my anxiety. + +My sleep is getting worse and I’ve been waking up with anxiety attacks. I don’t have anywhere else I can go to escape this, and I just want to feel even slightly better. I don’t feel comfortable even making myself food because they’re always in the shared living spaces. + +Does anyone have any advice for how I can manage my stress/anxiety during this difficult time?",Anxiety +52722,"Covid 19 Hello everyone I just want to vent about a few things here. I’m about 17 right now about to turn 18 in a few months. When covid hit and we had to stay at home for weeks I thought it was cool, playing games all the time with my friends, sleeping in , watching Netflix whenever. But I was wrong, I don’t know if others feel like this but I feel like after covid hit my life went downhill. I never used to have social anxiety or anxiety in general but I do now, it was way worse in the beginning and it’s a bit better now fast forwarding 3 years. + +I never used to overthink but I do now, I feel like covid and the at home lockdown has just changed me completely.",Anxiety +52723,"I’m losing my mind, I don’t want to die I’m a former alcoholic who has been experiencing very uncomfortable symptoms since I quit in October. Liver area pain, dizziness, no libido, orthostatic hypotension, heart rate spiking out of control. I think I have cirrhosis even though two GI docs who have seen me don’t think I do, i think they are overlooking my symptoms and misdiagnosing me. I have looked at the scans myself and I see pretty clear signs of cirrhosis. + +I just don’t know what to do. I’m about to send my scans to a second opinion radiology service online, but I can’t bring myself to do it because I don’t want to find out I have cirrhosis. + +I had so much going for me, I have one more year of medical school and now all those dreams are gone. I’m never going to be a doctor. My physical symptoms aren’t getting better. My only relief now is when I take a Xanax at night or when I’m asleep. + +When I’m asleep in my dreams I am doing the things I love, living my life carefree, then I wake up and am faced with the reality that I’m going to die of liver disease because I couldn’t stop drinking. I hate myself so much.",Anxiety +52724,"Nervous about asking/going to therapy. I have been having a horrible last few weeks and I was starting to consider therapy. my issue is that I think i dont need it or im not messed up enough to have it. deep down i know it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it can be really beneficial. but i just go through periods where i am fine and chill and then i get triggered and I go into a awful anxiety/depression for about a week or two where i cant eat, sleep, focus. and then i’m back to feeling normal. this one i’m in right now was especially bad where i ended up loosing 5 pounds in 2 weeks. i haven’t been able to socialize like normal and i’m getting scared i’m gonna loose my friends since i have barely been talking or even acknowledging them bc i am so trapped in my head. + +idk one part of me is saying how it would be easier to just not get help and i can get myself out if it since i’ve done it before but another part is telling me to go to therapy. i’m only 15 so this is all new and freaking me out. everything just feel so different and weird and scary. sometimes i wish i could just go back a few years. it’s crazy how bad it got jsut over the course of a few months. i feel like it’s my fault. + +sorry for the long post. any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated! hope everyone has a good rest of their day!",Anxiety +52725,"High energy Does anyone else feel so stressed and anxious all the time that when they get in social settings they are seen as neurotic because they are so loud and energetic, but also say weird things and then think about how embarrassing that was over and over? Just looking to not feel so alone because I feel annoying, but also if someone has tips on how to be calm that would be great thanks. + +When I am alone I use all this energy in a productive way to do my job or chores around the house but when im with people I word-vomit or say bad jokes, or quite literally bounce off the walls.",Anxiety +52726,"Please Help , Experiencing Anxiety while driving :( I have developed anxiety while driving + +Im 26 and started driving since 16 + +I had a serious work injury over 3 years ago that resulted in my fingers being amputated in the hospital. + +I do not drive as frequently at all before + +But 2 years mark I notice that I became a little tensed up, anxious while driving + +Up to NOW I shake while driving and it only happens when I drive and if it gets bad enough I’ll kinda feel like imma pass out but never have (Thank God) + +This is absolutely defeating and horrible for me as I used to drive heavy duty class vehicles w/ big trailers everyday, even heavy equipment. + +I use to drive to the ends of the earth and back when I used to work so this is just completely unreal to me how I feel now + +Cant even drive my boat with my dad on the lake (although its not as bad as driving on the road) + + +Now I cant even make it to the store without taking side roads avoiding congested traffic, drive late in the night + +Family ask me for favours driving to the store and such and i just get things delivered…. + +Thoughts suggestions? + +I always had anxiety, Idk if its just evolving as Im getting older. + +I have bought some aswagandha but haven’t taken it yet as Im trying to push back naturally from using it. + +Thanks all",Anxiety +52727,"Having anxiety and PTSD over being excluded from a reunion. Toxic ex-friend who socially traumatized me was invited. **TL;DR: Having very mixed feelings over a reunion that I was not invited to but I feel I should have been, plus a former friend who socially traumatized me was invited** + +Backstory: I am a pro player at a certain game. I went viral on YouTube and Reddit (different profile). The game's official YouTube channel's video of my gameplay has over 5M views and is the third most-viewed video on the channel. I had worked with the game's PR on stuff in the past and was always welcome at events and such. + +I befriended many other players of this game over social media. I deactivated Facebook in early 2021 because I realized my mental health issues were showing and people were leaving group chats because of me and even unfriending me. I decided to deactivate before I ruined any friendships that meant a lot to me. I still maintain strong friendships with many of my fellow players. + +For many years, the makers of the game said that they would never do a tournament or any kind of ""bring together the best players"" event because the player base is just too large and because the game is very luck-based (but if you're like me, you can sort of manipulate your odds). This year, a new person was put in charge of the game and they have decided to finally have a special event reuniting ""fan favorite"" players in person, most of whom went viral in the same way I did. + +15 people were invited, and I was not one of them. The day the invitations went out, I got several messages from fellow players asking me, ""Did you get invited to the thing?"". Many in the community were shocked I was not, and one of them said ""They're missing out without you"". When I found out this was happening, I started trembling with anxiety for multiple reasons. One being that I was overthinking why I wasn't invited and paranoia that I may be blacklisted (I have been very vocal about the game's flaws on social media). One thing that got me was that around the time my gameplay was posted, I was often grouped with two other great players in promotional stuff and we were kind of like the de-facto ""GOAT trio""; we were the top three viewed videos on the YouTube channel at the time, though a couple have snuck between us since then. These two people were both invited to the reunion event. I am so happy for those who were invited and I'm trying to convince myself that not everyone could get this opportunity, but I can't help but feel hurt and worried. + +The ""reunion"" happened today, and I purposefully avoided everyone's social media so I wouldn't have to see photos or anything of them hanging out at bars or restaurants and stuff afterwards. I suffer from FOMO big time. I've flown out to events that friends went to just to avoid FOMO, but I didn't have time to fly out for this reunion even to just stop by and say hi. The event is not being publicized until May, so I'm going to have to deal with this feeling again in a couple of months. + +Part of the reason I am anxious about this whole thing is because one of the players who was invited to the reunion is a former close friend of mine. We bonded over the game of course, and his high score blew mine out of the water. We discovered we had a lot in common. He also suffers anxiety and he gave me advice on what meds are better than others; I still take the one he recommended me to this day. We're also both gay, and I found him very attractive (as did many others in our community). Our friendship shattered when I went to visit him in person (across the country) and he showed very manipulative behavior that I was too naive to discern at the time. He purposefully distanced himself from me whenever we were in a room together (e.g. sitting on a different couch) and excluded me from ""parties"" he went to while I was in town to prevent anything sexual happening between us, and lying about them. He had been sending me several pictures of him shirtless and in bed with other guys we knew, knowing it would turn me on, among many other forms of leading me on, but never had the courage to say ""I don't like you like that"". Instead, he let me come all this way and then gaslit me for trying to come on to him, saying it was inappropriate behavior (behavior that he exhibited with other guys right in front of me, and said ""It's different with them"" when I asked). We tried to move on from that experience while staying friends, but then he kept making jokes about me with the other guys and I got tired of it. We haven't spoken in months, and when we did speak, it was only because he had a question about the game. + +I suffered so much social trauma from this person I trusted, and his group of friends who seemed like a Mean Girls Plastics clique that acted polite around me but I later realized they didn't care about me one way or the other. I followed all of them on Instagram and only one followed me back. These people ostracized and humiliated me on top of my friend's various forms of mental and emotional abuse. The trauma only started setting in as months passed and I started crying myself to sleep and sort of ""reenacting"" the day everything happened in my head wishing I was more assertive. Now I get PTSD at the mention of his name, and I deleted almost every picture I took on my trip to meet him. So since he was invited to the reunion, I might have declined if I was invited so I wouldn't have to be in the same room as him, because it would have been so triggering for me and I would not have been able to concentrate on the game. That being said, I would definitely be willing to take a day to have a serious discussion with this person over how he made me feel and maybe we could start over strictly as friends, because I do think he is a good person. + +I really hope come May when the reunion is made public that I don't suffer any more PTSD. I hope I can find some healthy distractions. + +Has anyone ever been in a situation like this involving being excluded from an outing involving a traumatic person from your past?",Anxiety +52728,"My anxiety is ruining my personal relationships Recently I got a fairly nice gift for a friend's birthday (\~$40 worth) which isn't an extravagant gift, but definitely the nicest gift I've given in this particular friend-group. I was really excited about this gift because I thought it was a good fit for this person. Unfortunately, my excitement for giving this gift turned to anxiety as I became concerned about how such a (relatively) nice gift might be perceived being given to a friend of the opposite sex.... I REALIZE THIS IS COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL.... as most of my anxiety is. + +So this became a trigger for a multi-week bout of extremely high anxiety and this person definitely realized that they were the trigger for it one way or another......... and now it seems like they are at the point that they are starting to get a little freaked out and I'm afraid of losing one of my closest friends. + +I feel the need to apologize or explain..... for making them feel so horrible, but how can you explain this. I'm afraid that talking to them about it will just make it more awkward. Our recent interactions have been cold and awkward. I don't know what to do now.",Anxiety +52729,I’m so terrified for college and my future. What do I do I’m a senior in high school and this year has flown by so fast. I’ve been dreading graduation since junior year when I realized it was coming up quicker than I thought. I can’t even decide which college to pick(between 2)I’ve always been so indecisive and I’m afraid I might hate it either way. I also have social anxiety so I’m very scared I’ll end up alone but I don’t wanna avoid college because I don’t want to let anxiety win. I also don’t know what to do with myself if I don’t go to college. I feel like after high school my life is bleak. Me and my family have little money and inflation is skyrocketing. I’m afraid I will be poor my whole life. I have depression and low self esteem and have felt hopeless for a while. I’m also scared that I will lose the few friends that I have when I go to college and I’m sure I will have a lot of panic attacks leading up to it. I’m so scared,Anxiety +52730,"Road Test anxiety I'm 21 years old and I don't have my liscence. I've taken the road test three times in the past year, the last time I took it was on Thursday of last week. I bombed. Hard. I made sure I knew everything and what to do, I'm decent for a new driver, I know how to do a three point turn and my parallel parking is great, I drive as much as possible with my mom and I made sure I was extremely prepared. However when I got in the car for the test I was panicking the whole time. I failed almost everything and everything in my brain got jumbled up. (I'm not diagnosed with anxiety, never seen a psychiatrist or been on meds or anything, not how my family is, but I am a deeply deeply anxious person) I don't know how to get past this. My next test is in a couple weeks and I know I'm prepared and can drive and having my liscence would make my life so much easier but I'm so worried I'm never going to get it because of how anxious I get on the test. I just want to know if this is a shared experience and if anyone has any advice or anything. :(",Anxiety +52731,"Feeling anxious even when meeting up with my good friends Hello, + +Tomorrow evening I will attend a restaurant gathering with some of my friends. We will stay until late and this makes me feel so anxious. Even though the people I am going with are my friends and I chat with them almost daily, I am still anxious. Just by thinking about it, a feeling in my chest keeps swelling. What should I do, there's no way I can cancel it as well. + +What should I do? I cant seem to find the source of my anxiety.",Anxiety +52732,"I will start antidepressants tomorrow It makes me nervous. I have panic attacks every evening before going to bed. Bad ones with pounding heart, pain in chest and fear if death. Psychiatrist recommended light antidepressants. I am nervous from how they might affect me and of potential long withdrawal. I am questioning if they are necessary, but I want get better. It just scares me it is not anything you could ""give a try"" without potential of serious side effects. I am also afraid about the fact you can not use alcohol with them as I go to many social events required by my job and not drinking there might hurt my career. +Sorry if the post is incoherent. I am just nervous. I at least hope it will be useful.",Anxiety +52733,"Scared dr left me no notification I’ve been on disability for anxiety for 20 years I’ve seen this dr for 7 years a month ago he told me all my meds were called in, I called back a month later they said he left to oregon no notice at all, nobody will help me, is there anyplace online that will help? I’ve seen a few but look like scams, it’s dangerous to quit this medication all at once, any advice is appreciated I’m really scared, I’m a single dad just getting everything together and he is messing up my life",Anxiety +52734,"Lamictal for anxiety / panic with out bipolar Hello +Long story short. I have suffer from panic disorder for Years. A little generalized anxiety and depression as well. I’ve been on every ssri / snri there is! Some worked enough to keep the attacks at bay but at the exchange for night sweats, low libido , tired. My doc has now suggested I try this med instead of an antidepressant bc I am not getting the best results on them. But of course I googled it and it says for bipolar so it scares me. Has anyone taken/ been prescribed this with out having bipolar and how did it work ? Thanks for any insights !!!",Anxiety +52735,"School anxiety(longer read) 14M Last year my anxiety was minimal because of covid and not being in high school (grade 8) I didn’t go as much, but this year having to go and pass was a lot worse and took a toll on me and my mental health causing a lot of anxiety and depression. The first semester was so bad and I remember that’s when everything stopped feeling real and I got bad derealization. I remember in class when it got bad being convinced everyone was working for the government to track me down and control me. Later next semester it mellowed down still nothing feels real idk what real feels like or is anymore. The only major difference is my mind is foggy and I am not depressed anymore for some reason. I also get mind delusions I snap out of fast. But I recently started seeing shadow people and cars speeding towards me. I also started hearing very minimal voices almost in the halls calling my name, saying just hey or even no if I was thinking something ig I didn’t agree with. I can’t get help my mom wouldn’t approve does anyone have suggestions even on what can help all this.",Anxiety +52736,"Just got prescribed Enlift, Xanax as well as magnesium for my anxiety. Do you guys have any insight on what to expect? Personal experiences? Hello! After dreading going to a psychiatrist for a couple of months I finally got the courage to do it and this is a big step for me. + +The doctor prescribed me Enlift , Xanax and Magnesium (which I've heard good things about it in this subreddit). Ive only ever been prescribed Zoloft, tried it for about 3 months and it didn't work for me so I'm basically going in blind. + +The doctor told me some basic instructions as well as explained how they work but it doesn't ease my anxiety about them, especially Xanax. (I generally get a lot of anxiety about medications tho not just this kind) . I know medications like these aren't a one-size-fits-all but I think it would ease my anxiety to know some of your guys personal experiences with them. I think knowing I'm not alone in this will make it less scary for me, especially with the stigma in my country around any medication for mental health. + +(edit : looked up Enlift and it goes by a lot of other names but Google says it's scientific name is Escitalopram if that's of any help)",Anxiety +52737,"Sucks.. I have been worried about my heart for 6 weeks now. Had every test and lab done except a cardiac MRI and everything is fine. Had a good 2 weeks and then today out of no where my heart rate got to 201 went down to 120 for 15 min the. Back up to 180 for another 5-10 minutes. This sucks, I'm so worried I have something or just going to die. I'm only 23 and hearing all the news about the V makes it worse... never been anxious before but this heart rate with chest pain sucks.",Anxiety +52738,"Questions for new anxiety sufferer... Does anybody's anxiety present with just the following symptoms: + +Chest Tightness + +Tightness in the front of the neck and under the chin + +Light-headedness/Dizziness + +Feeling Faint/Like I may pass out + +Nausea + +These are the symptoms I've been feeling. I don't really seem to have an impending sense of fear or doom when these things happen, but I will say they are triggered by talking about my condition, or just general stress, but sometimes they happen for no reason at all. I have just been sitting watching TV, playing a video game, or scrolling through Reddit and they've happened. + +I've been to the ER three times at two different hospitals in the past week with these symptoms (in addition to high blood pressure) and all three times, my blood work and ECG have been normal. + +I need to add, a lot of these symptoms got worse when lying down, and got better when sitting up or walking. + +In light of that last detail, the ER doctors said ""it's just GERD"" and sent me home with orders for a PPI medication and a Blood Pressure medication. + +Well, the GERD has improved, and all the symptoms I've listed above have improved as well but haven't gone away. + +I'm seeing an anxiety doctor later this week, and out of an abundance of caution, a cardiologist later next month (soonest they could get me in) + +*Another detail: I received a call from the doctor earlier telling me my cholesterol was high and my potassium was a little high from the Lisinopril (BP med) so they started me on a diuretic and a cholesterol medication. As soon as I got off the phone with that news, I instantly started feeling the pressure in my neck and chest... This is what leads me to believe my symptoms are anxiety related. + +TL:DR - Asking about all of your symptoms to see if mine line up with anxiety or not.",Anxiety +52739,"THIS LADY EXPLAINS ANXIETY TO THE T! Anyone who suffers from any type of anxiety should take the time to search this wonderful lady who was ahead of her time regarding anxiety. + +Her name was Claire Weekes. You can search on YouTube and there are videos of her talking about how anxiety affects people AND how to cope/face it/understand it/treat it.... whatever you want to call it. + +A must see if you are in need of relief from anxious thoughts and or physical anxious sensations that are keeping you from living your best life. + +Hope this helps someone.",Anxiety +52740,"How can I forget someone? I had some trouble with some friends, and now, there are some things that remind me of them. How can I solve this?",Anxiety +52741,How can you tell if your shortness of breath and chest discomfort is anxiety or something else??? I constantly feel like it’s difficult to breathe (sometimes it goes away then it comes back again). I can’t go to the doctor (I know they’ll just tell me what they told me two years ago: that I’m fine/there’s nothing wrong) but this issue has gotten annoying.,Anxiety +52742,"I managed to overpower my anxiety and send an email to a complete stranger. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's progress for me I'm (trying) to write a book and I found a good potential epigraph quote from an article on a topic related to my (potential) book. I emailed the author and asked for permission to use it.",Anxiety +52743,"water slide this is going to sound so stupid lol but basically i am going to centre parcs with my boyfriend soon and he really wants to go on the tropical cyclone water slide. i have been on it twice, a couple months back at a different centre parcs and i was ok- i did panic and stop breathing the first time, the second time i only stopped breathing for a second lol. Anyways i’m basically asking for advice because I am so worried about this i’m losing sleep and i literally think about it everyday. on the bus a couple days ago my chest felt really heavy and my throat felt all small because I was just thinking about going on the slide. it’s so annoying as i don’t want to seem boring and i’ll be sad if i don’t go on it, however I am terrified! Not even that scared of the slide more scared of the panic. I hate my brain. Any advice?",Anxiety +52744,"Crying while arguing I absolutely hate when this happens but I always cry wnv I'm in an argument,doesn't matter with who. +I especially hate it when I cry in front of people I barely know +Why doess this happenn, is it an anxiety thing??",Anxiety +52745,"It’s like my brain looks for thoughts to attach anxiety to What’s up with that?! Or like “oh you’re thinking about this thing and you’re not anxious, this should make you anxious”.. then I’m anxious, and carry that anxiety with that thought in the future. + +Almost all of the time these thoughts are not based in reality also. I have a severe fear of the sky for example and suffer with agoraphobia, I can’t go on public transport alone either. I seem to be okay once my partner is there - in my mind he’s there so I don’t need to be anxious. Or I’m indoors and the curtains are pulled over so I don’t need to be anxious about the sky. + +Anyway I just don’t understand why my brain does this, it’s completely ruined my life.",Anxiety +52746,"Gaining my appetite back A few years back I decided to change my horrible diet and gain weight. I didn’t realise if at the time but my diet was so bad. I once went a whole day with just eating a single yoghurt and hadn’t realised how BAD that was. Well, last year…or the year before? I made an effort to force myself to eat and increase my appetite. It worked. I’ve gained weight and I’m happy. Well, I could be happier by gaining more weight but I have a fast metabolism so I’m ‘comfortable’ with my weight. + +Anyways, last week I got a bug that has now lowered my appetite and I’ve barely eaten anything since then. I’ve now become suddenly conscious that my appetite has gone again and I need to train my stomach to eat more yet again. It’s gonna take me a few days or a week but I know I can do it. It’s just making me anxious at the moment because every time I eat I get full very quick just like I used to. So this next week may or may not be a pain while I get my appetite back up.",Anxiety +52747,,Anxiety +52748,"anxiety destroyed my life. im already dead i used to be cool and popular and girls would even msg me out of the blue on fb, 10 years later... + +i have no family, 0 friends, 0 relationships and can't hold a job. + +im gonna be 24 this year for christ sake and i can't do anything. + +i want to end my life but im scared of the pain, i wish i had a gun or atleast a for sure method. + +im not scared of dying im scared of the pain moments before",Anxiety +52749,Why do I cry so easily ? Is it normal? I’ve (F 25) been through childhood trauma and am soon to have my first therapy session. I wondered if crying at emotive videos is normal? I cry everyday at something I watch. I’m not sure if I purposely find something emotional to watch subconsciously or if my feed just gives me more of the same. Is this weird?,Anxiety +52750,"Tingling in side/back of head Has anyone had head tingling/numbness with anxiety? I spent the last 15 minutes freaking out because I woke up today feeling somewhat very anxious. A few minutes later, I felt this crawling/tingling feeling that started from my left temple to the back of head. It comes and goes and boy.....the panic I felt with it was the icing on top of the cake. There's no pain whatsoever, but just a weird sensation that makes me feel like the left side of my head is going numb. + +This is the first time it's happened to me. I have been somewhat anxious these past few days (about my health), so I'm not sure if that is the trigger? I don't have any headaches whatsoever. And I'm refraining from googling because I know whatever I'm reading is gonna aggravate my anxiety. But my brain has decided that it's best to jump to the worst case scenario 🫠 I'm trying to keep calm because I know if I let my thoughts run loose, it's going to make me feel worse. + +But I'm really wondering if it's the stress/anxiety causing it. My neck/shoulders feel relatively fine, so I don't think it's a pulled muscle or tension.",Anxiety +52751,Marijuana vape cartridges Are all of these bad for anxiety or do you know of something that are good?,Anxiety +52752,"Will I ever be able to trust women? I (F 25) was physically, emotionally and sexually abused in my childhood by a woman. I’ve always found it hard to open up to woman and have never been able to trust them. I have a few close friends that are women but I end up seeing all the negative in them and not the positive and become paranoid they want to manipulate me. I want to feel a strong genuine bond with girls, I really do, but I just can’t.",Anxiety +52753,Electrolit Electrolyte Beverage good for anxiety? I got this drink called “Electrolit” because it seemed “healthy” and I’m wondering if it’s good for anxiety? I worry it might cause me to feel really anxious after drinking it. Has anyone drank it and felt better?,Anxiety +52754,"Propanalol Hi guys , so I do suffer from anxiety since a long span of time, but this time around before some exams i decided to consult a doctor. He recommended starting with 40 mg propanalol and I took it for 6 days and was depressed as fuck , I communicated this to him and mentioned that there is no way that I am continuing with it. He somehow agreed and asked me start with 5 mg nexito. After stopping propanalol the depressive episodes subsided but I am having these treomors , shaking and sort of twitching which is extreme and I have never experienced anything of that sort before. I would like to know of people's experiences here in the hope of some insight.",Anxiety +52755,"I read that poppig your neck can cause a stroke and now i'm freaking out I always crack my neck and have been doing it for years, but now i read that multiple young people below 28 died of strokes because they tore a vein when they cracked their neck :( + +I just cracked it before i read that and now i have a really bad headache on the right side and in the articles they say it took a week for the actual stroke to happen after the artery got damaged, i am so scared of strokes litteraly the first sign of my anxiety disorder were stroke symptoms that i went to the hospital with + +I hate it i wish i never read about this, now i feel everything in my neck and i keep checking for blue or red spots in the mirror, and i keep touching the veins to feel if there is a bump or anything. + +Man i don't want to die like this i only cracked my neck, people do that all the time right??",Anxiety +52756,"Is it me or tik tok makes anxiety worse? I’ve been on tik tok since 2020 and I think it has affected me more, like I can’t stop watching even if I want to, does anyone else also feel like this?",Anxiety +52757,,Anxiety +52758,"Why does music make me anxious now ? Music used to be a great way for me to destress and focus on something else, but now every time I turn on music, of any kind, wether it be classical, metal, pop, soul, raises my anxiety levels to no end. Anyone else experience this ?",Anxiety +52759,,Anxiety +52760,"best substitute for therapy, looking for hope having a tough go of it today. I have GAD but today I feel super terrible. I don't want to get into it but I made a big mistake and its going to cost me money. Really hate myself right now. I know I Should be in therapy but I Can't afford it, even more so after this mistake. + +what is the best substitute for therapy? One that is cheaper or free. That helps with anxiety or just like mental health in general. thanks in advance. I am so over life right now, looking for some hope",Anxiety +52761,"What to do when nothing is working? I keep having nights where no matter what, nothing seems to help. I have a partner who is super supportive, friends who are super ready to help and be there to hang out. + +However, I keep having days where literally nothing is working, whether it's getting some air and smoking, taking Pregabalin, drinking to a dangerous extent or really anything else. There's this very deep sense of dread and a strong urge to end things that I just can't escape from. + +I'm just terrified because I end up just losing control and ending up rocking in a corner mumbling to myself about how I want to end it before passing out to wake up again and try to battle it. I keep having nightmares of disassociating and doing something terrible. + +I can't maintain myself anymore and I'm considering admitting myself. I'm just unsure if I wanna be trapped without people to support me, stuck with people who are probably worse than me.",Anxiety +52762,"A month ago I was drugged without my consent (long post)... TL;DR: Dad gave me edible without my knowledge/consent, I had a really bad trip, now I don't know how to deal with it. + +Hey, not sure if this is the best place to post this. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for exactly - to vent? To know if someone had a similar experience? I don't know. + +Last month I was staying at my dad's house. One night, I was sitting in the living room while he and his wife were in the kitchen nearby. I wasn't paying any attention to them; I was playing a video game on my dad's laptop. I had headphones on, with one ear uncovered because I was also watching The Simpsons. So I didn't know what they were talking about. + +My dad came up to me and held out what seemed to be this gummy candy. I don't remember if I asked what it was; whether I did or not, he was just like ""Try it."" Now, the thing about my dad is that this sort of thing isn't unusual; I'm used to him making me try weird foods and such. So, perhaps foolishly, I ate it without really questioning it (it tasted vile). It was only after I had already swallowed it that he told me it was an edible. + +Now, another thing about him is that a lot of times he likes to mess with me. Once, when I was a teenager, for example, he gave me a drink and told me it had alcohol when it really didn't. So I wasn't sure if he was lying or not. I knew he and his wife sometimes took edibles, I just...didn't know they had any at the time. I had never done drugs before, and I don't think I would have eaten it if I had known. + +After that, he and his wife went to bed. About an hour or so passed, then it began kicking in. I started feeling dizzy, and I got kind of scared, so I went into their bedroom and I asked my dad if it really was an edible. He said ""No."" This was a lie, but obviously I didn't know it at the time. + +I decided the best thing to do was try to get some sleep. There was only one bedroom, so I had been sleeping on a mattress in the corner. So I was lying there, crying because I had no idea if what I was feeling was because I was high or if it was all in my head. + +My dad's wife was also high, and she started talking to me. I started laughing, things got kind of funny...I started talking about all of my interests (much to my dad's annoyance, as he was trying to sleep), and I said some really embarrassing things (I later found out he had recorded at least most of what I said...well, yelled, 'cause apparently when I'm high I get really loud). I have selective mutism, so I tend to have a lot of trouble talking if I'm not really comfortable (it's gotten better over the years, but my dad is convinced that I don't actually have it or something)... + +Anyway, at some point, I fell asleep and had a horrible nightmare. It's hard to describe, but it involved me forgetting everything...my life, my interests, the people I knew and the world around me...I dreamt that my dad knew I was going to forget it all, and I remember the fear I felt in the nightmare. Just that feeling of...""Why? Why would he do this to me?"" I tried to recall faces - mine, my dad's, a musician I have a crush on (yeah, weird, I know)...and everything was warped, grotesque. Everything became a black void (you know that scene in Spongebob where Squidward's in that ""Alone"" place? Kind of like that, except black instead of white). I began thinking that maybe I had died, or was dying, and that this horrible void was the afterlife. + +I woke up sobbing and screaming ""Oh God!""/""Oh Lord!"" over and over (and also yelling at my dad ""How could you do this to me!?"" and ""I will never forgive you!"") He and his wife got me up from the mattress and had me drink some water. Everything during this part and afterwards felt like a dream that I was trying to wake up from. + +My dad made me some oatmeal and put on some songs by one of my favorite artists (American Murder Song). In my disoriented state, I remember thinking that the first song he put on was familiar, and that if I could just hang on to that familiar feeling everything would hopefully be okay. I vaguely remember singing along to the songs. + +After I ate he put on one of my favorite movies (Repo! The Genetic Opera) and left me in the living room. I remember it being on, but it felt almost like I was half asleep or something throughout. I was just anxious and confused, and I was trying to focus on the movie but I kept...I don't know, it was like going in and out of consciousness or something. There's a scene towards the end of the movie where the main character falls unconscious and I remember vaguely wondering if perhaps I was actually her (I'm a guy, not that it mattered to my drugged self) and that I would wake up and the movie would be reality. + +Apparently, I also sang along to the whole move, but I don't remember this (my dad came into the room to check on me at some point and he said I seemed to be having a great time, but I know I really wasn't). I do remember, however, that at some point I threw up all over myself. After the movie, I told my dad I threw up and he was mad that I was too disoriented to clean it up myself. By this point, about six hours had passed since I had taken the edible. I remember being so confused I asked him what day it was. After that, I went back to sleep. + +The next day, my dad told me that it really was an edible...so I did feel somewhat relieved that it was actually a drug that was making me feel that way. But for about three days afterward I still felt the affects of it...and for about a week or so I kept experience derealization. + +My dad's reason for giving me the edible...he said he thought it would make me talk more...which it did, but it was humiliating. Apparently, he and his wife had talked about what was in it before he gave me the edible, but (as my cousin pointed out to me) it's strange to just assume that I'd be paying attention to a conversation that I wasn't even part of, even if I was in the room. So he apparently thought I knew what it was... + +I wasn't able to go home immediately (he lives in another state so he had to buy a plane ticket and all that), but when I eventually did I told my mom what happened. She's furious at my dad, though neither of us have spoken to him about it. I talked to my therapist about it recently, but her reaction seemed...dismissive (like, she thought it was cool that it made me talk about my interests, but again...I had no consent). + +So here I am, exactly a month after it happened...I still experience derealization if I think about it (parts of the nightmare I mentioned I literally only remembered last night...). I just...I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to, for example, watch ""Repo!"" again...just recently I listened to one of the songs my dad had put on and it gave me a weird feeling in my stomach. I'm trying to decide whether or not to cut ties with my dad...(this isn't the first time I've thought about it, to be honest, but I'm seriously considering it now). I just know now that thinking about that nightmare still terrifies me...",Anxiety +52763,"What to do when sitting awake through a surgery? how do I distract myself? I have to get a cyst removed and I've never had surgery before. I will be awake and the procedure will take about 30 mins. I have anxiety about hospitals, blood, and everything that has to do with invasive medical procedures. What can I think of or do when I'm laying down for 30 minutes staring at the ceiling to ease my anxiety?",Anxiety +52764,"I couldn’t hear what someone said today and now I’m scared I sounded rude. So my grandpa had a stroke a bit back and hasn’t gotten much better. My teacher is his neighbor so he’s been asking about him. Today he said something and I couldn’t hear so I said, “What do you mean?” without thinking instead of saying I didn’t hear him. Then he said something like, “Well he’s my neighbor and we’ve had some times together by my pond.” Now I’m thinking he may have said something along the lines of “Did you tell your grandpa about me?” or something similar and that makes my response sound super rude.",Anxiety +52765,"luvox and lithium? hi , im taking these two together. any experience with either ?? luvox seeems to be upsetting my gut.",Anxiety +52766,"Random spurts of horrible anxiety For about a decade I’ve been getting some pretty bad anxiety. I was diagnosed with depression and was prescribed two different types of antidepressants that supposedly were supposed to help, but did slim to nothing. I’ve tried meditating, taking prescriptions as I said above, thinking very minuscule and nonstressful thoughts but keep coming up short. I feel like this is going to consume my life until I can’t deal with it anymore. Please help I’m currently having some pretty weird anxiety right now.",Anxiety +52767,"Hello community, I'm going through a really rough time and I would appreciate it if you could comment some ways you guys deal with your extreme anxiety This entire day, from the moment I woke up, I got a crippling feeling of impending doom, and this has been happening for a few days. It's debilitating, I stand frozen in my bed scared that if I move I'll die, anyone else feeling like this? As the day went on and I met some friends it got better, but I'm now getting racing thoughts that are so random and incoherent and they're making me panic like I will lose my mind and die and like I'm not real and I keep wondering what's happening and stuff, i don't know if it's ever gotten this bad, please help",Anxiety +52768,"I accidentally wore white to a wedding and can't stop shame-spiraling -- Self-forgiveness with anxiety Yesterday I attended my boyfriend's cousin's wedding and wore a short cream-colored dress with a black pattern. The color literally did not occur to me when I got dressed. I picked it because I felt bloated and it was flowy, and that's as far as my brain got. + +At the reception, my boyfriend's mom spilled red wine on my dress. As I tried to dab out the stain, I caught myself saying ""see, this is why I never wear white""--and then it hit me. I spiraled into an anxiety attack and left the reception to go back to my hotel to change. I felt like such an asshole, such an idiot, and I still can't shake that feeling. + +I sat in the second-to-last row at the ceremony, at the very end of the row away from the aisle -- thank God. It was a casual wedding. People were there in jeans. No one said anything to me. And it was genuinely an accident. A very stupid accident. But it was also my first time meeting my boyfriend's extended family, and I'm now convinced they all hate me. I can't think about anything else. I feel like such a fuckup, like I'm a bad person. + +Logically, I know it's not the end of the world. I know if THAT was my biggest asshole move in recent memory, I'm doing OK. But I don't FEEL any of that. Self-forgiveness seems truly impossible with anxiety sometimes.",Anxiety +52769,"Gabapentin for anxiety? I’ve been having really bad twitching / muscle spasms as a side effect to strattera, so my doctor is prescribing me gabapentin. I’ve heard people say gabapentin helps anxiety too but I want to know how it works and how long it takes to help anxiety.",Anxiety +52770,i keep missing important phonecalls because im too anxious yeah. i keep missing calls about jobs or even more important stuff and i hate myself so much for it. i just get so anxious and start to panic and i just...can't answer. and its got to a point where im just constantly nervous because i'm scared that at any moment someones gonna call me. has anyone else had a similar issue and if so any tips? 😭,Anxiety +52771,"All my health anxiety is coming back and I’m freaking out. Ever since Friday I’ve been freaking out, convincing myself I have appendicitis, sepsis, heart attack, etc, I used to have bad health anxiety back in 2021 but it started to heavily fade one day and almost completely disappeared, now it’s all coming back and I don’t know how to do deal with this, for over a year now I’ve been telling myself “thank lord that time is over, I don’t know how I dealt with that” and now its all coming back and I’m scared, I don’t want to be constantly anxious again I can’t go back to that time it drove me crazy all I wanted to do was sleep because when I was awake I was in constant pain and fear, please fuck no not again, I’m already going crazy obsessing over the thought of it hitting its peak again fuckkkk why can’t I just be happy???",Anxiety +52772,"I don't know if I can do this anymore I'm embarrassed to be alive. I am an absolute failure. + +The past 3 or so years I've been unemployed. You may think I'm so lazy which is fair. But I've been on medication that made me so numb it was impossible to care about anything. I couldn't sleep properly and had severe insomnia. How could I work like that + +Now I'm off of medication and my anxiety is 90000% worse. I somehow sleep longer. But get the worst intrusive thoughts to touch outlets to see if it will kill me or not. And gives me an adrenaline rush. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I at this point wish I wasn't even born. I was not meant for this life + +I can't function or hold a job. Is this really the rest of my life ro just be on disability. Because if thats the case I'd rather be gone",Anxiety +52773,"Tired Does anyone also feels like this anxiety won’t ever go away? I (17 M) had my first panic attack about 2 months ago and I have never been the same since then, I’m going to therapy and haven’t been prescribed with meds yet, sometimes I feel better than others, but the most minimum thing will give me so much anxiety.",Anxiety +52774,"How often do you get anxiety symptoms? Hey i was wondering how often can you get anxiety symptoms, hourly? Once a day? Once a weak? Ive been having this issue but my doctors keep telling me is just anxiety, and i get this every hour of the days + +Lightheaded, Extreme hunger, shortness of breath, vomiting or nausea, my arms start to feel light like feathers or a weird feeling not tingling tho, hot flashes, heart rises, etc, tho my heart doesnt rise constantly only when my symptoms get bad and i get worried, i check my blood sugar and everytime this happens is at 95 mg/dl ive told this to my doc but he keeps telling me is just anxiety, like i said this happens everyhour all the symptoms everyday for a year now and it doesnt go away until i drink juice or sugary stuff but he said that thats my coping mechanism lol, i find out after a long time im insulin resistant but i dont know if this could be the cause. What are your symptoms of anxiety?",Anxiety +52775,"I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'm going. By tomorrow night, I (21 y/o UK university student) have to email my dissertation supervisor a draft of what I have written so far; the deadline is in May and he wants to give me some feedback before the upcoming Easter break. But the problem is that I haven't written anything. At all. I've collated dozens of pages of general notes, vague ideas and research over the last few months, but I don't have a clue what to do with it, or where to start. + +I've written probably hundreds of assessments and essays in my life, and until a few weeks ago, I had not failed a single one of them. But a few weeks ago, my motivation, self-belief and general ability to work (which were all low to begin with anyway) just stopped altogether. I had deadlines for two course module assessments within a week of each other, and I missed both of them. For one of the first times in my education, I had not only failed with work, but I had failed to even complete the work. I missed the first one because I had zero interest in, knowledge of or care for the subject, because I kept procrastinating, and because it's possible that I have ADHD (I don't want to know about this, but I think I have it). I missed the second one because of the same reasons, and because I failed the first one, so it didn’t make a difference if I missed the second one. + +Since I got the email last week from my supervisor that I have to send him whatever I've been working on by tomorrow (Tuesday), I've not only not been working on the dissertation, but I've detached myself from it almost completely. I don’t like thinking about it. I keep distracting myself from it (literally and mentally) because I don't want to do it. The subject itself interests me (it was my choice after all) and i’ve done a lot of research (too much I think) and every time I ever doubt my work ability like this (which is every time i’ve ever done an assessment in my three years at university) it usually turns out alright, but I can't see how this one — of course, the most important one — will end in anything other than failure. So I’ve come all this way — from the start of uni three years ago, from the start of reception 17 years ago — and I've always, at the very least, managed to succeed. But now of all times is when it stops. + +I’m aware that every student who has ever tried to write a university thesis has had these doubts at some time, or a lot of the time. But that makes me feel all the more incapable. Because those students have all, and will all, get through it, and I know that I won't. I look around the university library that I'm currently writing this in, and all I see is people working; they’re focused, self-disciplined, and content to be here. But I’m not one of them. I know that I don’t belong here, and I don’t like it here. I really don't like coming here. But I come here nevertheless. I'm sitting here wasting more time on something that I don't have to do, that I shouldn't be doing, but I'm doing nevertheless. Because I think a part of me actually wants to fail. I don't know why anyone would want that, especially me; I've always feared failure — the confirmation of it by my university and parents; the consequences of it practically and emotionally — and that's what’s driven me to always succeed with my work in education. I've only ever done that work because I fear the consequences of not doing it. I do it because I have to, never because I wanted to. I've always been like this. + +So why am I here then? If you never enjoyed school or college (which i didn't) then why did you actively decide to go to university? Hmm. Maybe because I thought I had to (not because I wanted to pursue a career — I have absolutely no ambition at all). And it was partly because the idea of getting a job after I left college at 18 seemed completely impossible (I've suffered from social anxiety for most of my life; the basics of social interaction are overwhelming to me). But mostly, it was because I didn't think any of it through. I didn't want to think it through at all. My parents thought I could maybe go to this university, so I just said okay. I didn't even look into the university at all, and I didn't consider any others. The reason that I do this is because I hate thinking about the future — short, medium and long term. Whenever people ask me about the future, whether it’s “where do you see yourself in five years”, “what do you want to do with your life"" or even simply “do you have any plans for the weekend”, I’ve always given vague non-answers. I've been like this forever. Probably because I’ve been bombarded with these questions from career advisors since Year 1. But it's also because the future is too uncertain and complicated. It scares me to think about the future in any sort of way. So I don't. And now I'm paying the price. And the future gets closer every day. And I wish I could go back in time, maybe to live things differently, maybe to live them the same. I think about the past (my childhood especially) every day. And every single night I dream about the past too. The other day I had one about the last day of Year 11. I’ve had hundreds like it, all about the last day of secondary school. The thing that haunts me about it is the fact that I don’t remember what happened. All I remember is that I never saw any of my peers again after that day. Because I made the conscious decision to leave them, and go to a different college. Every single dream I have involves my old school friends. Every one. + +In case it isn't clear, my recent doubts over starting (let alone completing, or succeeding with) my dissertation are related to so many other things that I have consciously, often deliberately bottled up over the years (and it is years). I know how unhealthy and dangerous it is to do this, but I do it anyway because it's easier, and because it's been the default way of accepting, contemplating and processing my emotions for as long as I can remember. I've never had the desire to tell anyone (including family) about my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings, fears and insecurities, because…well…where to start? Fear of judgement, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being understood, fear of the literal and emotional consequences on myself and on my relationships; the fact that emotions were and are are never discussed in my family, or in the few social circles I used to have (note: haven't had friends for five years). I bottle all of this up. And I'll continue to. But it feels like the bottle is starting to overflow. + +If anyone has read this far, you might as well consider yourself the first person who has ever heard anything that is even remotely as private as what I've just revealed in these last few paragraphs. And if you've read this far — and if you are a healthy, ‘normal’ person — you will have obviously thought to yourself, “Yeah, he needs therapy”. But I don't think I do, and I certainly don't want to. There’s a small part of me that desires to let it all out (I could write a book about all of my problems), but I know that would be a terrifying and draining experience, even if it leads to something better. And the desire certainly isn't big enough for me to have serious thoughts about seeking help…from anyone in fact. I think that’s the bottom-line: regardless of whether I need help, or guidance, or advice, or support, or sympathy, I don't think I want it. Not enough, anyway. I think I’d hate myself for seeking it out because I'd feel like a desperately sad narcissist. I know I'm pathetic, dumb, probably annoying, an embarrassment, a failure, a waste of space, time, money and effort, but I don’t think I'm a narcissist. And I know that people who seek help aren't narcissistic, but I would think that I am if I did. So I don't. And I've never sought help from anyone. Not only the serious, personal stuff, but the little, trivial, specific things too. Is it because of a deep-rooted social anxiety, and my complete lack of social confidence, ability and experience? Yes. But like with my other anxieties that I probably ‘need’ help with — health anxiety, fear of the future, fear of the passage of time, the fear of failure, the fear of work, the fear of my dissertation — I don't care about help, or support, or self-improvement. I don’t want any of it because I think it won’t work for me, or that it doesn't apply to me. I don’t want to be helped. And yet here I am writing this.",Anxiety +52776,"Anxiety has ruined me Just a vent tbh . + +I've suffered from anxiety my whole life and as I grow older, I feel my anxiety getting progressively worse instead of better. Ironically even therapy scares me as I'm not really one to ""open up"" in front of others in fear of burdening/boring them. Sounds silly but I almost feel embarrassed paying someone to help me who otherwise wouldnt give me a second thought + +On the topic of skills, I wholeheartedly believe I have 0 skills. I've always been told I'm smart but no one sees how much time and struggle goes behind good grades. When I'm honest about not being intelligent, understandably people think I'm fishing for compliments. Even then I think I just got lucky with good questions and random guesses. Literally no achievement I think I really deserved and was more abt the odds being in my favour. Its all due to subliminals and manifestation rather than talent + +As well, my social skills are horrendous. I'm so awkward w people and can barely keep a convo going with those close to me. I rely on them to start and keep convos going cause I'm just so boring and unfunny. I have an extremely hard time communicating with males too. Idk I completely stiffen up and come across so awkward. I like art but again I'm not talented at it despite so much practice and was rejected from an art school unsurprisingly. I'm learning to drive and after 3 lessons I still can't move a car without sweating buckets, shaking and struggling to control it, even moving off is so challenging. I'm expecting to waste a ton of money due to my incompetence at understanding basic instructions and crippling fear. I'm bad at sports, games , mediocre at cooking and just about everything I've tried. Heck I can't even ride a bike + +I couldn't list a single talent I have. Anything I'm half decent at is a result of 5x the effort generally needed. For example I'm currently writing an essay thats taken me all day to understand and plan when it was only meant to be an hour task. There just doesn't seem to be anything 'redeemable' for me + +My anxiety has made me become more and more closed off from people. I will sit in toilets at school in fear of being looked at. I never contribute to class in fear of being wrong. I sit on the bus with my hood on so I'm not looked at. Even when I briefly had a job, I couldn't work out the basics that everyone learnt in a day. It was very telling that this incompetence wasn't only reflecting in school but other places. Sweating is one of the main symptoms I experience and its created deep rooted insecurities for me + +I can stay somewhat in peace at home but I do have struggles here and there. But obviously its not practical to rely on home for peace as I fear I will completely isolate myself this way + +Does anyone have a similar situation?",Anxiety +52777,"Please read I have pretty bad health anxiety that developed after trauma 6 months ago. I meditate, utilize deep breathing exercises, run and read inspirational quotes and seeing a trauma therapist. When I feel pain it's a huge trigger for me! I tried zoloft and had a horrible reaction. I'm on the fence about taking busbar or lexapro. Any suggestions what worked for you with a similar experience? Zoloft I literally slept 2 hours max for 2 weeks straight. Needing some advice from you guys. This is all new for me. Thank you for listening!!!!",Anxiety +52778,"My Anxiety remedies Hey y’all I’m a guy who has felt anxiety all his life, it used to be so bad I’d wake up every morning and throw up because I always felt anxious to start the day. That has went away now, although I still feel anxiety especially when I drink high caffeine drinks but I’m kinda used to it, I believe energy drinks and strong coffee has made me get comfortable with that anxious feeling, as well as the fromsoftware games I’d attribute helping me deal with feelings of dread and dispair. I am at the point where I can quell my anxiety fairly easy, I still feel those feelings of anxiousness and dread but I am now comfortable with them.",Anxiety +52779,"What can be the cause and treatment for daily panic/anxiety attack? 27M Long story short, I'm dealing with mental health for 20 years now and for the last six months or so I have almost every day a panic attack since waking till evening. +I see a psychiatrist and psychologist and recently started a new job. + +I know I have my issues but can't wrap my head around having so much anxiety it's net getting better or easier with time. + +Usually when im in peak anxiety i go on a few hours listening to music and crying in a dark room bender while smoking to much In the process... + +I do meditation a trying to walk 2-3 hours a day but I fucking hate sports and I'm lazy... + +Thank you I felt the need to vent sorry for shitty English",Anxiety +52780,"I talked my friend into doing hot yoga tonight and my anxiety is through the roof I want to cancel even though I logically know it’ll be good for me. + +Edit: it went well. I feel better mentally. My friend and I also planned to walk twice this week.",Anxiety +52781,"What things in your life did you increase/decrease to improve your anxiety? For example, I really want to walk 10k steps a day and reduce the amount of coffee/caffeine I drink. Just curious to see what others are doing because sometimes it's hard for me to see the small/simple things that can help with anxiety.",Anxiety +52782,"should i force myself to talk when i am unable to? //vent, about work and conflict with friend + my issues // i was having a conversation with a close friend of mine about work settings because i will be having an internship soon. we talked about standard work things and tips, but then it lead to talking about my anxiety. + +i asked, ""if i'm unable to speak because of anxiety, how do i communicate that to them?"" 'them' being my coworkers. for extra context, i think this is a common thing but just in case, my throat closes up to a degree that it becomes hard to and painful to breathe or speak. obviously i need to breathe, so i've learned to tough through it, and even so i was able to get an appointment with someone who may be able to help this issue. as for speaking, that can be even more painful than breathing, so i usually try to tap my throat with my finger and hold up one finger with the other hand to try to communicate that i need a minute and i can't breathe/speak. + +i was worried that may not be enough, and i had previously told my friend about my issues. i figured he'd be the right guy to ask, especially since he's training to become a therapist. i guessed he may have some ideas i haven't thought about yet + +he told me to tell my coworkers i need a minute to think and to maybe say it directly. i asked him, ""if i can't talk, how do i say it to them directly?"" i'm bad with conveying tone, partially because i'm autistic, so i can see in hindsight that it may have come off wrong. + +he asked me if i was just going to leave or stay quiet without telling them what was going on, and he also said that the situation would just become worse. i was starting to get a bit upset and i said that i knew that. *then he told me to learn how to force myself to say it.* + +that's where i became really upset. i have no idea if this was justified or not, all i know is how much it hurt. i tired my best to remind him of some of my tics, and how if i'm stressed enough to be unable to speak, forcing myself would DEFINATELY make the situation worse. i told him about how there's been times where i've gotten overwhelmed and anxious, which led to me accidently hitting someone rarely or most commonly myself. sometimes i'll have really bad ones which make me yell, fling my arm beside my head, or slam a fist down on a table. + +i then apologized. he then told me that it's unfair, but i have to vocalize that kind of thing. i worked some things out with another close friend of mine, and we both agreed that i should maybe carry around some laminated cards on a ring with common words and sayings to help me communicate. we also talked about telling my coworkers and employers beforehand about my issues, and how i need a few minutes to myself to calm down. + +i tried messaging the friend from before, saying that i wanted to talk. i apologized for getting upset and explained that i was hurt by what he said and that i was hoping we can talk about it all. i apologized again. i've seen he's read the message, but he hasn't responded. i'm a bit worried, but trying to be patient with out differing time zones. + +should i force myself to talk when i am unable to, especially with some of my issues? i want to believe i'm not at fault, but i feel horrible about getting upset and i'm wondering if he's right and i should just try to suck it up. + +**edit:** i also worry that i may have overreacted and blown up over something unimportant. it's just so infuriating and hurtful because i've been told all my life to force myself to do things and to just toughen up and deal with it. i've been called overly emotional and at this point any slight indication someone thinks that way kind of sets me off. i'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, i struggle putting these things into words.",Anxiety +52783,"Dad's very sick My dad had a Heart Attack 3 days back, and now has a neuro complication. A surgery has been done, but he is very week. He wishes to talk, but he has ventilator tubes and nasal tube for food. + +Everything happened very suddently. He doesn't even know what is happening. I can't look at him like this. My heart is crying for him. I feel very anxious on what's going to happen, how will he recover. My overthinking is not helping me. + +But at the same time I know I should not be emotional, as that would affect my health and might not be able to help him better. + +Please could you advise how can I keep my emotions aside? I love my father a lot, can't see him like this, alone in the ICU, comfused on what is happening around him he must be so scared, just typing this makes me cry. Please help, I wish to stay strong and help him.",Anxiety +52784,"does anyone else feels like an egocentric a*hole when the treatments kick in and the anxiety goes away? It happened to me the three times I was on antideps. I would just feel like I was not caring about what was going on around me... if an old lady fell, I could just not be bothered to help. Like all empathy... gone. + +It would then all come back with the anxiety 😅",Anxiety +52785,"I'm having anxiety during the daytime It seems to get worse. I live in a rural town overseas from my home country of Australia. Just some background info. + +I have thoughts because there are little places to go, that I'm wasting my time and I'm usually in my room all day, thinking, watching tv or sleeping. + +I have thoughts that I'm not being productive and that there arent many things I could do to be productive. This is what concerns me most. +I'm doing a degree and that's the only productive thing I'm doing. I feel trapped in a boring lifestyle and i'm also living with my parents.. I've contemplated moving back to Australia, but then I would have to go on a job hunt .. it's still an option.",Anxiety +52786,"Oh my god… My ex hasn’t responded to me in days, we are still friends and this really isn’t like him and I’m starting to get really worried. I owed him $50 and I asked him if he got it, no response, I sent him a picture of my new pc setup, nothing. Last time we called was a couple days ago and he said that he would call me back because he had to go to class but he never did. I tried calling him just now but to no response. Idk if I’m overreacting but I’m close to tears. Like what if something happened or did he just ghost me. I’m so dizzy from panicking so much, help.",Anxiety +52787,Whats the best way to reduce tommorow damage while drinking Well i know that the best way to reduce it is to not drink at all but u know there is times u dont wanna miss .i saw that my anxiety levels goes up the days after i drink but i believe that there is things u can do to reduce that effects whats ur propositions ?,Anxiety +52788,"Work and work emails Does anyone else feel overwhelming anxiety when it comes to responding to emails at work? I work in a large corporate environment and whenever I get emails directed at me or regarding tasks related to me, especially direct asks, my anxiety skyrockets. It normally becomes quite difficult then to respond in a timely manner that would be coherent, so my responses become staggered over hours. Even then, I end up rereading and rereading my responses before I send them. + +So my question is, how do you cope with anxiety in the workplace? It has become quite overwhelming for me recently and I am unsure what to do to cope.",Anxiety +52789,"I am so scared I feel so anxious, scared, alone, broken. I feel gross and ugly and unwanted. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I'm so sad",Anxiety +52790,"Question about coming off mirtazapene I am coming off mirtazapene (which I can’t spell). I was on 30mg and went down to 15mg. I am now taking 15mg every other day. + +Is taking 15mg every other day the same as taking 7.5mg a day? Would I be better to cut my pills in half and take 7.5mg a day? + +I plan to stay on this dose for a few more weeks then stop taking any.",Anxiety +52791,,Anxiety +52792,"how does anxiety manifest for you ? what does it feel like for you ? for me it feels like a buzzing or vibration in my chest , head and teeth. everything is way too much and i get goosebumps on my forehead :/",Anxiety +52793,"Clozapine Hi, recently my psychiatrist replaced my old meds with Clozapine, I've been feeling quite bad with it and she refuses to change it, as far as I know it isn't used a lot to treat anxiety and/or depression(my only two diagnosis), I'd want to know your experiences with it or if my silly psychiatrist is messing up.",Anxiety +52794,"Severe college anxiety I probably bit off more than I can chew but it's the only way I can financially survive. I am a full time student and work 30+ hours a week, and I am in the Army Ng, not to mention I have also moved a lot recently and my few off days are spent running errands or appointments. Due to this there have been several times I log into my classes and see that I JUST missed the deadline for an assignment. This has happened a few times and I am devastated each time as all the professors refuse any late work or makeups. Now I nearly have a panic attack each time I log into my classes, but I also need to do it.. Kinda just getting that off my chest but will also take advice",Anxiety +52795,"how did buspirone/buspar make you feel? did you take it consistently or only as needed? hi anxious friends! i recently switched my meds from effexor to prozac and added buspirone 10mg for anxiety. my doctor told me to take it as needed, but after all the research ive done, this doesn't make sense to me. how would it even be effective if i only took it as needed, if it's not a fast/immediate acting drug? it builds up in your system over time, right? so i'd need to take it consistently for a long period of time to feel any effects? ill ask my doctor too of course, but im very interested in other people's experiences with buspirone specifically, and whether you took it as needed or daily. + +ive been taking 10mg 3x a day for about a month (with some missed doses in between) and i do feel less anxious, but the way my doctor described it made it sound like it was a fast acting anti anxiety drug that calms you down after you take a dose, rather than one that builds in your system over time. if it matters, i also take concerta and bupropion. + +thanks friends :)",Anxiety +52796,"My anxiety is so bad I already have terrible anxiety. Iv struggled with addiction and whatnot in the past and now I have to have surgery in a few days. Someone ran into me at work. Could of been alot worse.. but I got away from a forklift with a busted up lower leg bone and alot of pain and brushes. Now that the shock wore off and im thinking about it idk if I can do it. I wanna hide and disapear. I got like 36 hours and it's agonizing. I don't wanna deal with this shit. I already been in pain for 2 weeks and now it's gonna be so much worse. I know alot of people have way more serious issues, and I ought not complain.. but dang. My chest has been tight for way too long. Idk. Guess I'm just venting. Why did I stop waiting tables and decide to work around unsafe people and heavy machines",Anxiety +52797,"I feel pain! I don't know why but I feel pressure and pain, I am unable to live and nothing works!!! I beg someone to help me",Anxiety +52798,Brain Fog How long can I (potentially) expect the brain fog and cognitive adjustments from going from 10mg to 5mg of Trintellix? I’m 2 weeks right now and still the same.,Anxiety +52799,"Fear of abandoment I am in another city, away from all of my friends. I have developed this fear of abandoment. I feel like they will start to dislike me for whatever reason. I don't often interact with all of them by person on chats because we have big chat groups. I am bad at conversations one to one but i do my best to do small talks. I feel like they will consider me not a good friend for this. I try to check up on them but idk. I guess I fear that in time they will find me annoying and think that it is a one sided-friendship. How can I reduce my anxiety about this? I feel like our connection is blurring. I love them but I don't want them to think that I don't care about them",Anxiety +52800,Buspar Anyone have luck with it? I'm thinking of asking my psych about it since it's not habit forming like other anxiety meds. My anxiety is controlling my life and I'm desperate for something to help.,Anxiety +52801,anyone else's voice gets shaky when you're anxious? And then I get insecure from that my voice is shaking so I get more anxious. Has anyone tips on how to control your voice? I also have a moderate stutter so that isnt helping too😅,Anxiety +52802,"Shortness of Breath My anxiety has manifested with chest pain and shortness of breath. I am no stranger to anxiety, but things were so good for so many years, then it just started all over again. I have had an EKG, Echo and chest Xray, everything came back fine. I just can't shake the breathing issue. It happens even when I don't feel anxious. Anyone else deal with this and how do you deal with it?",Anxiety +52803,"Could this be anxiety? Ok I’m terrified…so basically I was having all these bad symptoms a week ago so I went to the doctor about it she said it was likely related to stress but I don’t think so, I’ll get a pull on my left side of my head that isn’t super painful(sometimes it can be)but feels really uncomfortable and makes me feel like I have to move positions or something, I feel off balance quite often, my body feels fidgety or restless, my brain feels foggy all the time, I have muscle twitches all over body quite often, static vision, and this weird floating sensation. Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do cuz I’m so scared rn it’s making life unbearable",Anxiety +52804,Anxiety attacks Over the last week I’ve been suffering with a virus and spread to my chest and it gave me a bad panic attack where I had to go to hospital. I just can’t sleep because I’m worried that I’m going to die or my heart is beating too fast. I just can’t fucking sleep and I can’t deal with it. How do I sleep?,Anxiety +52805,"Redditors with trust issues due to childhood trauma, how do you cope and build trust with others? am a 19-year-old college student, trying to make the best of my life despite my past. Growing up, I had a difficult childhood. My father and stepfather were both abusive and would often beat me up for the smallest reasons. I remember hiding in my room and praying that they would leave me alone, but it never worked. + +My mom was an alcoholic, and she never showed me any love or affection. She was always too drunk to care about anything that was going on in my life. I felt like I was all alone in the world, and I had no one to turn to. + +As a result of my childhood, I developed a deep sense of trust issues. I find it hard to open up to people and let them in. I am constantly afraid that they will hurt me in some way, just like my father and stepfather did. + +But despite all of this, I refuse to let my past define me. I am determined to make something of myself and create a better life for me. College has been a fresh start for me, and I have made some friends who seem to genuinely care about me. + +However, even with my newfound friendships, I still find it hard to trust people. I am always on guard and keep people at arm's length, afraid that they will hurt me like my father and stepfather did. + +Sometimes, I wish I could forget about my past and start anew, but it's always there in the back of my mind, haunting me. It's hard to let go of the pain and the memories that shaped me into the person I am today. + +But I refuse to let my past hold me back. I am determined to overcome my trust issues and build a better future for myself.",Anxiety +52806,"Help So last week i have bad intrusive thoughts about my +boyfriend doing bad things to me, like really bad. Im +scared that I don't become scared of him. The worst +part is that when i look at him i have that voice in my +head that say +"" your bf is bad"" and deep down I really +know he would never do things like that to me but at +the same time feels so real. Am I going crazy?",Anxiety +52807,"Anyone else here sorting through connections between anxiety and a parent with BPD (borderline personality disorder)? What books or resources do you recommend? So, based on therapy, I read The Drama of the Gifted Child and it blew my mind how many things it described that I used to think were just “quirky” about my parent, and then nailed ways it may have affected my emotions. It’s not an easy path to process, but has anyone else come to late in life conclusions that their parent is likely borderline and that this is a direct connection to their own anxiety?",Anxiety +52808,need encouragement I thought i was having a good day but I guess not. I was driving to school and started getting such bad panicky feeling on the freeway. I’m all the way in another city now pulled into a parking lot I just wanna go home. I’m so nervous and I don’t even know why I just really need help right now,Anxiety +52809,"[Repost] The Effectiveness of a 4-Week Online Mindfulness Program for Depression, Anxiety, and Stress [Mod Approved] Hello! + +I am a graduate student researcher from the **University of Colorado at Colorado Springs (UCCS)** studying the helpfulness of a **4-week** **online** **mindfulness** treatment for **depression, anxiety, and stress** in adults aged 18 years and older for my master's thesis. Participation will involve completing online surveys and learning and practicing mindfulness exercises introduced in the online intervention program. After completion of the program, participants will be entered to win a **$25 Amazon gift card**. **Approximately 1.5 hours of your time each week is required.** + +**All in all, through this study, I hope to better illuminate the effects of brief mindfulness programs in both younger and older adults, along with promoting awareness and future research for these types of programs!** + +**\*NOTE**: Due to the nature of this study, I cannot post the survey links directly to Reddit. Surveys will be sent via the email below. + +In order to participate you must: + +* Be **18-30 or 50+** years of age +* Have access to the Internet and email +* Be willing to answer questions about your mood and memory +* Not have prior experience with mindfulness/meditation +* Not currently be receiving therapy + +**If you would like to participate or have any questions, please email Payton Downey at** [**pdowney@uccs.edu**](mailto:pdowney@uccs.edu)**.** + +**If you don't believe you qualify to participate, please feel free to share this information with other people who might be able to participate.** + +Thank you and have a wonderful day!",Anxiety +52810,"Haven’t worked a job in a year and a half (pitiful rant) The last job I had was back in October 2021 doing low-skilled IT work at a hospital and I got fired (worked there two months - the longest I’ve ever held a job). + +I’m in my early 20s and it’s embarrassing to admit that but it’s true. I can’t keep a job. I either quit after a short while, or in this instance, get chucked out. + +&#x200B; + +Since then I’ve avoided work all together as all I feel is bitterness and shame. Another deterrent is how I’m not good at anything in particular. All I can get are shit jobs where I’m completely replaceable. + +&#x200B; + +I’m too shy and anxious all the time, so talking to people is really hard. When I worked at a cinema it wasn’t too bad because there were people my age and I felt good talking to them, but that job went to pieces because management hated me (long story). + +&#x200B; + +I’m told to get a skill, but the idea of getting a trade sounds harrowing to me as I’ve worked on construction sites and the people who work there are usually abrasive cokeheads who I really wouldn’t get along with/tolerate. + +&#x200B; + +All I’ve done for the past year is read, write, listen to music and occasionally socialise but I’m pretty much alone now. I guess when you’re socially isolated it’s hard to really know yourself, like you can’t test yourself much in a public setting so it’s hard to truly know who you are. I find it hard sometimes. Just thinking about what jobs would suit me, it seems impossible. I know what I don’t want to do, but that’s pretty much everything to be honest. The idea of working a job again, commuting, forcing myself to speak to people who I don’t want to be around, and doing these mundane things feels like death isn’t so bad. Considering the sort of jobs I can get, which are garbage service jobs or low-skilled office one’s with high turnovers. + +&#x200B; + +So I’m stuck. I feel really trapped. The job centre is harassing me and I hate going in there as I feel like such a low-life… but on the same token I can barely afford the upkeeps for my car so I’ll have to work some shit job soon I suppose. + +&#x200B; + +I’m not on medication or anything, I feel embarrassed typing this out. I’m scared of telling anyone my problems as I was always told they’re insignificant and I should “man up” (even though the same people who told me that complain and talk about how bad their lives are all the time to me and never ask about how I’m doing). So whatever. Seeing a GP in this country is a joke anyway so there’s zero point trying to get help anyways. I tried to be ambitious and maybe move countries but I don’t even have any qualifications, like I don’t have a degree so my options are very limited. I’d love to move countries and just forget about how bad my life sucks here but I can’t do that regrettably so I guess I’ll have to accept my lot in life working these miserable hapless jobs until I eventually murder myself or go crazy",Anxiety +52811,"I’m so truly exhausted. I don’t know why my brain is the way it is anymore and it hurts. I’m struggling so much. Here’s my story if you want to stick around to read it. Last year, about this same time I got Covid, probably the worst thing I have ever gone through in my entire life, besides the horrible sickness part, somehow it sparked some sort of new anxiety in me. Before it I never experienced anxiety like I do now, but somehow it came on painfully out of no where. Panic attacks more than once a day, unable to control my thoughts, horrible intrusive thoughts, nightmares, insomnia, constant fidgeting & some anger/irritability for no reason at all. +After a month or two from healing from Covid (Covid long haul) I was getting better, no more panic attacks, able to drive, get out and be happy. I was okay, till now. One night I woke up a little too early so I decided to stay up instead of falling back asleep for three or so hours, and boom it was back. My mind went straight back to the anxiety, the irritability and pain as before but without the anxiety. +It’s been a few weeks or so now since it started and I feel so tired and mentally drained. +I started some anxiety meds (Buspirone 5mg 2x) and haven’t seen a massive amount of change yet. +Advice? Help? Do I just give up?",Anxiety +52812,"PSA for anxiety symptoms I often see people posting on here, ""Is ....... a symptom of anxiety"" The answer is 99 outta a hundred, YES! My anxiety has given me the weirdest aches & pains fron a non stop fluttering eye, to hot or cold sweats, pins & needles, stabbing pains, all the way to i can't breathe or feeling I'm about to die of a heart attack or the old, ""this isn't real life"". When are brains are overloaded with stress hormones it goes berserk. As I've learned to accept my symptoms as a part of my anxiety & not fight or repress them, it's alot easier to manage.""Anxiety will not kill me"" is my mantra. I know its hard but don't hold on to every little feeling in your body it only magnify the feeling. My anxiety is more mental now when it comes which while tricky is infinitely easier then feeling I'm gonna die 10 times a day. What's your weirdest or scariest symptom? Let's normalise the abnormal & all feel a bit better .",Anxiety +52813,"Anxiety & heart problems.. How do I tell if it’s my anxiety/stress causing my heart palpitations or if I have an actual heart problem? Brief background - Changed my SSRI back in November (Bad idea) didn’t suit me at all, sent me into a depression rut & only just started back on my old meds again. Starting to climb out of this rut now however I still get bad palpitations on/off when I’m feeling anxious/stressed but sometimes I can just be lying in bed or walking around & get them when I don’t feel any anxiety present. Once I get them it triggers my anxiety because I fear something is awfully wrong & that I’ll have a heart attack etc. I definitely have cardiophobia & I’m always fixated on my heart (convinced something is wrong) I had my bloods done last week & they were fine & tomorrow I get an ECG but I’m scared if I have afib or arrhythmia issues they won’t pick it up because I’ve heard they are difficult to detect. From an outsider looking in do you think I have a real heart problem or do you think my palpitations are all anxiety/stress related?",Anxiety +52814,"Lexapro 5mg + upcoming wedding I just started on lexapro 5mg 3 days ago. I have severe GAD and OCD, and it’s causing me extreme distress. I also have my wedding on April 30th. I’m afraid it will make me a zombie, as well as cause sexual performance issues, and I don’t want to be emotionless on my wedding day, or unable to have sex on my honeymoon.. so I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. + +From your experience, have any of you noticed a significant difference in emotion and or sexual performance while on 5mg?",Anxiety +52815,"Anyone felt like this? So first off, I apologize for the millionth post about “has anyone felt like this”. Been struggling to post anything for that reason. I’ve been having really bad anxiety these past 2-3 months. My dad passed away in December and I had to put my dog down a week ago so I definitely think this has affected my greatly. I’ve never felt this “bad” for this long. Been waking up most days shakey and nervous. Most days I’m worrying about my health and can’t seem to shake off intrusive thoughts. I went to the Doctor on Thursday and was told my blood pressure was high, which made me more anxious. Was precribed some for blood pressure and sertraline for the anxiety. Today I’ve been feeling dizzy, it comes and goes and just loosing interest in normal things. Just a general feeling of feeling off or not all here. Also can’t seem to swallow very well. + +I’m starting to exercise more and eating healthier. I’m hoping to see if anyone has any words of encouragement or has had a similar experience as mine. Also, anyone taking sertraline has any side effects? Anything would help rn. Thank you! + +Edit: Side note last night I took a chocolate piece which had cbd and a strand of THC to help me sleep. It made me feel slow and like I wasn’t fully there and gave me really bad dry mouth feeling. Idk if maybe I’m still feeling those symptoms, because still feel out of it and my throat feels like I have something stuck there.",Anxiety +52816,Is there a specific term or phobia that one gets about fearing that their heart won't stop beating fast if they trigger it? Examples could be exercise or a panic attack? I sadly developed mild agoraphobia cause of this /:,Anxiety +52817,"Does it look bad if I don’t go to my friends aunt’s funeral? I can’t tell if I’m letting my anxiety get in the way of social norms. I really don’t want to go to this funeral. It’s my friends aunt who sadly passed suddenly. My friend spoke a lot about her but I’ve never met her so I feel weird going to this funeral. My friend is kind of expecting me to pay my respects and I don’t know how to tell her that I can’t go. Am I letting my anxiety get the better of me by not going or is it reasonable not to go to this funeral? + +For context I’ve known my friend since high school and we’re both in out early 30’s. and I’m reasonably close to her. + +Edit: I did go and it was fine and it made her happy. So in the end I’m glad I did something good",Anxiety +52818,"every strange thing that’s happened in the last 24 hours. please read . 14M. As a bit of background, I am currently in therapy for anxiety , depression OCD and for the last six weeks i have been on 50mg of sertraline a day and 2 lots of 20mg promethazine a day. + +since yesterday morning, i haven’t felt great but i atleast thought that the medication was working . was feeling depressed a bit the night before but something was drastically different. + +I woke up and felt like i was incoherent but i wasn’t and began to feel very depressed. i put it down to just a bad day and i read online sertraline can cause depressive feelings . i continued on with my day not worrying until the nighttime . + +just before i was going to get into bed ,something didn’t feel right. i started to feel strange in ways i can’t describe and I had these 1 second headaches in the same spot every 5-10 minutes . my memory then began to feel weird and i checked my blood pressure which was normal. + +I then grabbed my playstation controller and headset and put it by my bedside which i never do . i always leave it on my desk. this freaked me out , but then again that could just be down to tiredness . + +I got into bed and checked by blood pressure again. all normal. but something didn’t feel right at all. it felt like i was living in yesterday and then i suddenly got this strange feeling and this is the best way of describing it: it felt like I wasn’t conscious but i was at the same time . like to recall my memory it feels like none of that happened except it did . the world felt deaf and it felt like time was no longer linear . i felt as if i couldn’t process things properly, if at all. and thought brain bleed. + +I then went to the bathroom and felt panicked but didn’t show it . I checked my pupils and they were fine . i then went back to my bedroom and began to text people ok reddit for advice and said it all sounds like anxiety. + +at this point my brain was telling me that I was forgetting something but i don’t know what, because that’s the whole point of forgetting something . I began to feel like I was in a delirious state and i felt as if i couldn’t hang on to a thought process. + + I was worried as this was not normal for me so i woke up my dad and told him what was happening . at this point when I was trying to read something i searched up on google , the words looked jumbled and i had to read it again. this has never been an issue before and i certainly don’t have dyslexia , so this made me worry . + +I explained to my dad that the way I was feeling was not normal, so i asked him if I could call 111 (urgent care number) . I explained to them my situation and i was put on call later to a man who literally asked my father what he thought he should do if i was feeling delirious . at this point i realised it was pointless . he basically said it sounds like nothing physically but i disagreed. + +Exhausted of all my options , i decided to go to sleep. I got around 7 hours and slept straight through and had vivid detailed dreams . + +I woke up around 11am after going to bed around 4am. I still had memory troubles but not nearly as bad as the night before . I tried to convince myself I was fine and realised i still felt strange and the letters looked a bit jumbled still. I’ve tried to brush it off all day but still feeling weird. a recent feeling in the past 6-7 hours i’ve attained is the feeling like i’m waking up and suddenly realising i’m doing something while i’m doing it subconsciously . but if i backtrack and i try to remember it all feels fine. just not in the moment. this is the thing that is freaking me out . + +any advice please ? any at all? does this sound like a brain bleed /mental confusion/delirium? or could this be explained by anxiety / derealization /tiredness? so scared honestly don’t know what to do.",Anxiety +52819,,Anxiety +52820,"Separation Anxiety Hi everyone! 22 F here. My anxiety and panic attacks flared up in december and ever since then, i have developed separation anxiety from my parents. The trigger is when i hear them get ready in the morning to go to work, it makes me anxious. When they leave, i usually watch harry potter and play games on my ipad to distract me. i know these are safety behaviors and they reinforce the anxiety. What do i do? i’m tapering off of effexor which has heightened my anxiety but i’m at a stand still and don’t know how to change this.",Anxiety +52821,"Getting more physical symptoms with my anxiety in my 20s I’ve always been a very anxious person, but as I’ve gotten past adolescence it’s started to manifest more physically. I get tightness in my chest, a lot of bowel/digestive issues, and even some bloating (though that might also just be from beer). No panic attacks but I worry it’s a possibility in the future if I keep going down this road. + +Anyone else experience this?",Anxiety +52822,"Did medicine help your anxiety? I’ve been struggling with bad anxiety for the past two years, and it started out of no where. It’s led to me not being able to go anywhere without being miserable, and dreading doing things that I used to like. My parents are weird about medicine, and they say if I take it I can never stop. I took setraline for a couple of months and it didn’t do anything and so I just got off. I tried therapy first, and nothing. It feels like a huge commitment and I really just need some advice of if I should start again.",Anxiety +52823,,Anxiety +52824,"Anxiety possible caused by smoking (suicidal thoughta) I tried quitting amoking for a month and relapsed and in that time i developed new feelings about life mainly nihilistic thoughts about life, ive been smoking again for 4 days and my anxiety wont go away, i just want itnto stop man i feel so shitty i want to kill myself to make it end, me going through this existential chrisis is not helping the fact i wanna end it all. Please someone help me, im so confuaed :<",Anxiety +52825,"Weird panic attack symptoms Hi, i'm experiencing Weird panic attack symptoms. I sense weird like toilets smell maybe with chills in body at night. And also i get cold sensation in back,leg and hand sometimes. And also bloat stomach, tingling leg etc. + +If you guys relate to this please comment.",Anxiety +52826,,Anxiety +52827,"Everything in my life is great, but why do I feel so anxious? Whenever the anxiety isn’t heightened, I’m able to enjoy my life. I’m proud of myself and my accomplishments. I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me. I’m excited with where my career is going. I have a great life. But I feel so intensely anxious that it affects everything. The physical symptoms, ancillary feelings of depression, OCD tendencies. I wish I could just let all of that go and enjoy my life to the fullest. I’ve been in therapy for a long time but never tried meds. I’m nervous to start, but thinking more and more that it’s a good option.",Anxiety +52828,"Need Reassurance and potentially advice So in the space of 3 months i’ve gone from one of the most confident people you’d ever +Meet into a shell of myself due to health anxiety - + +I was having quite bad headaches so the doctor after saying Tension headaches, advised it may be sinusitis + +I have stopped and started antibiotics (had two/3 days) then stopped 3 times over the last few months due to then worrying about various things however I have Sinus pains and reoccurring Sinus/Ear symptoms that keep coming back - i’m feeling Tired all the time and just am feeling worse and worse + +My worry has always been what if its not a bacterial infection vs if it is + +I guess I just want to see if its worth letting my body try to fight this off despite how ill I’m feeling or if I should do a full dose of the Doxycycline I have been given - I just worry about the damage I may already have done to my body and if my body even needs the antibiotics + +Its so hard when you keep feeling more ill everyday but you don’t know the right path to go down",Anxiety +52829,"Crippling new job anxiety Hi all, + +I’ve started a new job about 2 weeks ago, it’s a higher paying customer care job for an insurance company. I was in retail for 5 years and incredibly comfortable in my position. It’s a work from home role, I needed something different as retail was driving me up the wall, and I can put on a damn good customer service facade. + +Anyway, today I’ve been taking calls and all of a sudden, became overwhelmed with everything and burst into tears. I cried during a call, and could not stop crying until I logged out. I’ve spent the entire evening on the phone to my parents crying and crying to my partner. I’m dreading doing it again. I was ready to quit. + +How do you deal with this? I’m breathing, taking my meds, eating well and drinking well. My brain is causing problems out of nothing and I’ve been making myself sick over this job. Anyone dealt with this in their new job and how did you overcome it?",Anxiety +52830,"Have been dealing with anxiety my whole life, but it’s getting really bad So I’m 20 years old and 23 days sober from opiates and fent. For as long as I can remember I’ve had pretty bad anxiety but always had then “fuck it suck it up” mentality about it. Also should heavily self medicate since I was about 14 when I first found opiates. Now that I’m sober my anxiety is crippling. Have had 3 job interview since being clean and all 3 went horribly cause of my anxiety, hard to talk to people, family, and my girlfriend(who is almost completely sober and rarely drinks). I also can’t sleep and constantly having nightmares. was wondering if anyone has any recommendations of meditation to try for it that’s not a benzodiazepine cause I’m still so fresh in recovery. Honestly would do anything besides benzos. Thanks for hearing me out",Anxiety +52831,"Recovery & Improvement Stories Hi guys! I was hoping to get some inspiration and motivation from those with stories of anxiety, health anxiety and or depression to help me in my journey. + +I feel I’m close to recovering as I have improved immensely with therapy. I suffer from health anxiety which led to losing my job. I want to start working again soon which is a lot better than I was a few months ago, I would love to hear how anyone else has gotten better and changed their life for the better. + +Thanks in advance, +Take care",Anxiety +52832,"Anxiety Over Having Made No Accomplishments in Life I'm almost 40 so my life is nearly half over and I feel like I've done nothing with it. Especially because for some stupid reason I've placed all my eggs in one basket and insisted on becoming a successful author no matter how stupid or hard or impossible it is to do that these days. I haven't even tried to date anyone in over 10 years so though I'd like a relationship, I'm socially inept and awkward. I also have a lot of baggage not just from an abusive father but from two abusive relationships I was stupid enough to get into. At my age with my history, no one wants to even attempt to deal with that nonsense and as I said I'm inept at socializing because of my own problems. I don't have a ""career"" like my siblings. I don't have a family. I don't even have a job because of a permanent disability making it almost impossible for me to work. Though I have written several novels, they more than likely will never see anything resembling profit or commercial success. Most of my days are spent playing video games, hating my life, and writing because I'm too stubborn to give up on that dream despite every single sign telling me that I'm old, it's over, and there's no way I'm talented enough to make it work. + +I know that people will say that I shouldn't measure my success by other people or people around me but let me tell you. It's exceedingly hard to show up to family functions when all your siblings are married professionals with their own houses and you are the loser who has been single for 15 years because she can't manage to get into a relationship that's not abusive and would prefer to stay at home, alone with her cat who's gonna die soon anyway because he's old. If you want to suggest therapy or medication...I've done both. Medication isn't a fix for me and I've tried it on and off for years. Therapy has been a constant in my life since I was 18 so if you can possibly imagine it I was far worse than \*this\* before now. If anything I could \*possibly\* say it's a miracle that I've come as far as I have with recovering from abuse, dealing with addiction, an eating disorder, and my anxiety issues. Yet, at the same time, I desire things that I'm 99% sure I can never have and I know I'm running out of time. Is there any way to cope with the fact that my life just isn't going to get fixed and I'm pretty much doomed to waiting the clock out for the next 30-40 years if I'm somehow lucky enough not to get cancer or some other terrible disease?",Anxiety +52833,"Physical side of Anxiety (Possible emetophobia & coprophobia Triggers) +I don’t typically share on here and I’m unfamiliar with Reddit but my partner suggested I give it a go. I experienced something this morning and I believe it to be related to my anxiety. +I woke up and started completing my typically morning routine, all was well. I came to the end of the list of things I have to do in my head. I left very sick to my stomach. I’ve been trying to become more aware of my anxiety symptoms and have noticed they often show as tummy issues. Typically physical, both feeling like I need to vomit and poop my pants. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I had to reach out to my boss and explain the situation. I woke with children. I was also informed and asked about my colleague, whom I work with directly, they were possibly going to be out for the day as well causing a staffing issue. +I feel guilty and a lot of other emotions about the situation. It feels like I let my team down. I also have a tendency to think and help others without thinking about myself in the process. The ultimate people pleaser. I was just hoping someone out there in the universe experiences anything similar to me. If so I appreciate you, Thank you for taking the time to read 💗 I’d love to chat 🥰",Anxiety +52834,"anxiety progress/my story Hey guys! + +I’ve been following this community for a while, and I just wanted to share my story and maybe meet some people going through or who have been through a similar situation. I've never felt more alone in my life and I feel like I'll be heard here. + +I’m 21, and growing up wasn’t easy. I carry a lot of trauma and guilt from seeing my mom sick pretty much my whole life and growing up in a toxic environment. I always took care of my mom from a young age which made me very attached to her, and honestly, even though she was sick, she was really the best mother I could’ve ever asked for. fast forward, after a lot of treatment and a lot of struggle, my mom recovered :) and 2022 was one of her best years. she was very healthy and started doing very well. It was the best year for my family and me as a whole. unfortunately, that came to an end, and she suddenly passed in November 2022. That came as a big shock to everyone because she was so healthy. no health problems, regular tests, she was perfectly fine. Everything for me came crashing down. I've always had anxiety, and due to that anxiety, I was vaping heavily for so many years (6 to be exact) until February 6th, 2023, came around. I had one of the worst panic attacks ever, and now I'm dealing with so many symptoms. Got so many tests done because I was having so many stroke-like and heart attack-like symptoms. Tests came back pretty much all normal, and I got diagnosed with a panic disorder and health anxiety. My psychiatrist thinks due to my mom passing away so suddenly, and I also have an underlying fear for myself. + +I'm writing this because I've never felt so alone. I feel like people close to me don't understand what I'm going through physically and mentally, and I just want to be my old self again. All these symptoms started so suddenly, and I'm scared almost every day, not knowing if I will wake up the next day or what might happen to me. I'm scared my own body will fail me. I'm tired, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm in this alone. I'm trying my best to correlate everything with anxiety, but it's so hard. + +Thank you so much for reading if you did read all of this. I will be okay, and I will get better. I'm slowly starting to see progress. +Cheers to a lovely life ahead :)",Anxiety +52835,Anxiety cause faintness when standing up ? As title does anxiety cause faintness when standing ? Tingeling arms have to sit down ?,Anxiety +52836,"anxiety heart symptom does anyone else have this or something similar? what do u do to help it? even if my heart isn’t going fast, it is PUMPING. like i can feel it in my chest, in pretty much my entire body - doesn’t matter if i’m sitting down or standing up, it is beating HARD even when not going fast??",Anxiety +52837,"Travel Anxiety Hi all! Long time anxiety sufferer, first time poster. I am diagnosed bipolar with generalized anxiety disorder. Due to a history of substance abuse I cannot take benzos which severely hinders my ability to be treated with medicine. + +Knowing that background, I have SEVERE travel anxiety. Tomorrow I have to travel to NYC from CT which is a literal train ride (plus the subway to get downtown) and I am in a panic. + +Part of it is leaving my baby for the first time since I had him 9 months ago but a bigger part is that I just HATE traveling. The crowds, the unknown, the potential of getting lost - it all sends me in a tailspin. + +Does anyone have any tips to ease me a bit? I’ve already mapped out my route and gone over and over it. I’ve thought of alternatives (Uber, taxis if the subway feels to overwhelming). What else can I do?",Anxiety +52838,,Anxiety +52839,"fomo from things i’m not involved in does anyone else get this? recently i watched a tv show, and have become a bit obsessed with it and the relationship between the 2 main characters, both in the show and in real life. it’s not even a romantic relationship, it’s a father-daughter type. and i have a good relationship with my dad so i’m not sure where the feelings are coming from, but i can’t shake them. i keep thinking about the show and how good it was, and how beautiful their relationship is. and then my social media’s keep showing me edits and clips from interviews etc that just make me more interested. but i always end up feeling sad after because i’m not a part of it? at least i think that’s what the feeling is. +i’m wondering if anyone else has felt like this, and how you explain it? or what you did to move on or look at it in a more positive way. i’m tired of feeling sad.",Anxiety +52840,"Getting through the day How do you get anything done with anxiety. I can keep up the house with 3 kids and 3 adults. However, it is quite overwhelming. How does everyone discipline themselves to follow a list or take time for self care? I'm in a constant state of this should be easier and I should be doing better. My thoughts are so negative and mean to myself. Thanks for any and all suggestions.",Anxiety +52841,"Set your intention Happy Sunday /r/Anxiety! + +It's everyone's favorite day of the week... Sunday, the last 24 hours before Monday rears its head again. Let this thread be a space to set your intentions, share your goals and concerns, or just check in, about the week ahead.",Anxiety +52842,"Monthly Check-In Thread Hello everyone! Welcome to the r/Anxiety monthly check-in thread. We want this to serve as casual community chat for anyone who wants to get or stay involved without having to make a full post. Plus you can use this as an easy way to give us feedback on what you like and don't like about the subreddit. + +Our mod team also maintains an official mental health Discord server for people who prefer realtime community, venting, peer support and off topic chat. We hope to see you there! Join link: [https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9](https://discord.com/invite/9sSCSe9) + +# Checking In + +Let us know what's on your mind! This includes (but is not limited to) any significant life changes/events that have happened recently; an improvement or decrease in your mental health; any upcoming plans that you're looking forward to (or dreading); issues you're dealing with in your own local or extended community; general sources of stress or frustration in your daily life; words of advice or comfort you want to share with everyone; questions/comments/concerns you want to share with the moderators and community regarding the subreddit. + +Thanks and stay safe, + +The r/Anxiety Mod Team",Anxiety +52843,"Just bought magnesium glycinate… does it really work like people say it does? So as the title suggests, I bought some magnesium glycinate 400mg per serving. After reading a bunch of posts saying it works wonders with anxiety and sleep, I thought I’d have to give it a try. I want to hear some of your experiences. Did it work? Negative effects? Or is it just the “placebo effect”? Thank you! Gonna take it tonight!",Anxiety +52844,Can you pass anxiety down to your children? I want children when I'm older but I'm scared I'll pass my anxiety on to them. And that makes me feel guilty. Will I pass it down to children?,Anxiety +52845,"Does anyone else hold off reading their messages as long as possible? Do you guys do this too? I understand that its common courtesy to reply to others quickly and instantly, but it's like whenever I get a message, I get... Idk. Scared? Anxious? Nervous to read it? I always feel like skfkglglkgkv + +I mean, god knows what the message could be like. And it's not like I don't reply to people at all. Though sometimes I do feel like I'd rather not look at my messages at all forever. Still, I end up mustering the courage to take a peek and reply, but sometimes I do that hours later.",Anxiety +52846,Daily reminder. This is just a reminder that Caffeine in any form exacerbates anxiety for most people!! Whether it be from Sodas or coffee and teas. I have to repeat this cycle time and time again. When will I learn seriously.,Anxiety +52847,"I live with two people in my family who have schizophrenia and there was a butcher knife placed on a picture of me i’m a 19 year old cc student and i live with my grandma, mom, uncle, aunt, and little sister. + +my mom has a meth addiction and she’s developed schizophrenia from it and it’s been getting worse as the years go on. my uncle was hit on the head at a young age and im not exactly sure what he struggles since we never talk but i think it’s schizophrenia. my mom doesn’t take her meds i think and my grandma is constantly trying to help her with moving in and out of motels and rehabs and all this stuff for the past 8 months or so (realistically she’s been trying to help her for many many years now but my mom had moved out) recently my mom moved back in like a week ago. my uncle is very strange and i don’t know really anything about him. he leaves his room a few times a day and doesn’t talk to anyone, sometimes i hear him talk to himself in his room, but he doesn’t yell and scream like my mom does, he’s just very quiet and intense. + +so earlier tonight i was using my grandmas phone for school since mine was dead, and i got curious to look in her messages between my mom because i’ve seen messages between them before where my mom is talking about how she hears voices talking about someone wanting to kill me and how she’s constantly was thinking about me and she doesn’t think i’m safe. so i looked and my aunt (she’s mentally well) sent my grandma a picture where she found a big butcher knife placed on top of a picture of me. + +the message said “*uncles name* is acting strange again. i asked *moms name* if she did this and she said she didn’t. does *uncles name* know what it means to stab someone? that they will die?” in the photo my aunt sent my grandma, the picture of me was in like a mouse pad that was custom made with a photo of me from 4th grade. the thing is i’m not sure if it’s a coincidence because the mouse pad is on a desk for like where a computer used to be but the desk in like directly connected to the kitchen like almost next to it, so it could be possible that someone had happened to place that knife there so i didn’t really freak out. but i talked to some friends and when i kinda said it out loud to them i did kinda realize like damn that does kinda sound bad and they told me that yea it’s probably not safe. + +i don’t know if it was my uncle or mom either though, if it even was intentional. my uncle used to come home and hit me in the head as a kid a lot, and we would yell and scream at each other (we lived together for like 6 years and this would happen, then we moved, then we moved again and he moved back in with us) but ever since we moved back in again we literally do not talk to each other at all. he’s very awkward around me and everyone tbh and quiet, and i can tell he doesn’t like to be in the same room as me even though i do not interact with him at all whatsoever. we’ve said hey to each other like less than 10 times over the years and that’s about it. he does kinda seem like he hates me but i don’t think he would want to kill me. on the other hand it’s possible that my mom was lying to my aunt, but from what i’ve seen i don’t think my mom wants to kill me either. whenever she has talked about me in that way it’s more of a “this is my son i need to protect him from whoever gonna kill him” type of way rather than a malicious tone. but again, they are both schizophrenic which i really don’t know much about besides they can be unpredictable and so that’s why i’m asking. + +i know it’s weird to ask about this on reddit but i really don’t have anyone to talk to about it. i’m not going to directly confront my uncle about it because again we are very distant and he’s a big guy i just don’t want to i feel like it’d be worse, and i don’t want to ask my mom because i know she would say no even if she did. i’m going to ask my grandma tomorrow since i haven’t been able to since she’s been asleep all night, but she’s just going to ignore me after i express my concerns, which she always does. i can talk to my aunt about it even though we’re not really too close but yeah. + +another thing is my grandma sent the photo my aunt sent her to my uncle asking if he did it and he kind of just ignored it, didn’t deny it so. but yea i cant really move out or anything, i don’t have the money for that since i just graduated high school and honestly i don’t have a job right now since i’m a full time student and i just don’t know where i would go. i don’t have any friends that would let me live with them either so that’s out of the picture . the best thing i’m hoping for is the convince my grandma to have them move out but that’ll probably never happen even though i want it to so bad. i just don’t know if this is a coincidence with the knife and i shouldn’t be worried or what i should do so yea pls help",Anxiety +52848,"I feel like I’m dead When I look at my reflection I don’t see a person anymore, I just see a corpse. I can’t even afford food and I look like a skeleton. It’s like I’m just convincing everyone that I’m a person like them, but I don’t fee like one. I have images pop up in my head of me shooting myself and lying dead on the floor (even though I wouldn’t actually kill myself). I don’t know what to do",Anxiety +52849,"How long does food poisoning take to kick in? I’m emetophobic and I ate at a restaurant last night. I’m pretty worried of getting food poisoning. The restaurant wasn’t sketchy but this is how I always am when I eat out at restaurants. Anyways, how long does it take for food poisoning to kick in? I’m about 10 hours post eating at the restaurant",Anxiety +52850,"Anyone here also feels like they'll be Lonely Forever because of Social Anxiety? I think ever since I was bullied in school I always was afraid of people. I missed so many opportunities in my life because no matter how many self help books I was reading, I was just not able to overcome my anxiety. And even if I managed to be ""normal"" around people I still felt lonely. Because I felt like an alien, like I was different to everyone else. + +❌ A normal relationship with a woman who accepts me for who I am? --> **Not available since I finished school!** + +❌ Friends with whom I can share my hopes and dreams and who I feel deeply connected with? --> **Not for me!** + +❌ Just interact with people without feeling completely nervous and socially awkward? --> **Impossible!** + +With 22 I knew that either I have to change something or it will stay like this forever! + +It was a wild journey ever since and despite a lot of set backs, rejections, insecurities and the feeling that I am too unlovable for anyone I can say that **I** **overcame my social anxiety.** + +I don't want to brag with this post, the only thing I want is to give you hope in times where you maybe feel no hope. + +Maybe this here is the motivation for YOU to take the first step today. To look out of the comfort zone a tiny little bit. To get help when you need help, as it is a sign of strength to ask for help not of weakness. **If this here reaches one person who is struggling today I've done my job.** + +Because no matter how tall the wall seem that you are looking at right now, it is possible to overcome it. + +**If you need help or advice, I'll be there for you in the comments! ⬇️**",Anxiety +52851,"I’m really scared and proud I’ve been taking the same adhd pill since I was a very small child and I had to switch on weekends due to a shortage. I have some history with certain pills and their side effects which is why I am so anxious. (Not the average side effects either, the 1% that most people don’t get. The side effects were facial and tongue cramping due to a severe allergic reaction, slurred speech, throat swelling, and a tic like thing called Tardive dyskinesia) I am having waves of panic attacks, but I am so fucking proud of myself. I faced my fear, I took the pill. I did it. I faced my anxiety. This is a first as I usually cower to it. My anxiety is still going, but it’s not used to me challenging it.",Anxiety +52852,"What tf us happening to me Every single day I feel the life inside of me just fall down as if it were sand, every day I feel like I can't breathe, I just sit and look around because even though no one sees it, I feel like my lings are vomiting inside me. + +Every single day I want to kill myself while at the same time having a panic attack because I don't want to die. + +And then I just sit there, not bothering anyone, because no one can look at me and tell me my intestines are silently spinning, no one can look at me and see my heart beating way too fast and know I'm not breathing. + +And certainly no one knows that every fucking day while I try to live my life I see myself in a grave not feeling any physical sensation at all, its almost as if I can see the future, almost as if old me is sitting in bed slowly rotting away, dead and no one has checked up on me for several hours + +Why tf am I like this, I'm 14, I'm supposed to enjoy life but insead I hate this shit, and I hate living with this terrible anxiety about nothing and everything at the same time, not living because I don't wanna die, which makes me want to kill myself + +The worst part is I'm not even diagnosed with an anxiety disorder because I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it, and so no one will ever know, because I don't know people well enough to tell them this. I guess I don't mind sharing with strangers online tho + +Hope you have a nice day, and I hope your anxiety gets better because I wish no ine had to suffer like this",Anxiety +52853,"Can anxiety get triggered by nothing? I don’t know how to explain it but the last week or two I have been in a constant panic mode. always on edge , I feel sick 24/7, crying etc. But nothing has triggered me ? I just woke up one day and I knew something wasn’t right in my brain , I just felt really fuzzy and confused and now two weeks later I’m in a constant fight or flight mode.",Anxiety +52854,"Crazy how powerful thought diaries & breathing techniques have been for my anxiety I've been undergoing therapy for anxiety and depression for the past two months. My therapist recommended that I start keeping a ""thought diary"" to write down any worries or concerns that I may have and to practice a breathing technique that involves breathing in for four seconds, holding for two, and then exhaling for four seconds. + +Initially, I was skeptical that these simple practices could make a difference in something that has troubled me for years. However, I began to notice that whenever I started to become consumed by anxious or depressive thoughts, jotting them down in my diary helped me immensely. This process allowed me to break down those thoughts and identify that 99% of the time, my worries and depression stem from hypothetical situations. + +For instance, one of my thoughts was, ""What if my friends are judging me behind my back?"" (for context, this was after we went out for drinks). The key phrase in that being 'What if', meaning it's just hypothetical with no real evidence to back up the worry. So, in my thought diary, alongside my worrisome thought, I would write down a 'Helpful thought' where I deconstruct this worry. For the aforementioned thought, my helpful thought was: + +""This is a hypothetical worry, you have no evidence to suggest this will happen. Your friend's opinion of you shouldn't be taken seriously anyway. You don't need to seek approval from your friends."" + +Of course, this may not help everyone, but I wanted to share how thought diaries have helped my mental health, and they can be quite powerful. + + TL;DR: My therapist recommended keeping a ""thought diary"" and practicing breathing techniques to help my anxiety and depression. Writing down my thoughts and using the breathing technique has helped me identify that 99% of my worries are hypothetical. I recommend trying it out.",Anxiety +52855,"cant say no to anyone M18 i cant for the life of me say no to anyone, i get extremely anxious and overwhelmed when i think about disagreeing with someone or just saying something else because i’m afraid they’ll disagree back so i agree to make things easier. only person i can truly be me is like my mom but even my gf i just agree with everything like i’m on autopilot and i don’t know how to stop it. if i try i stutter and get so much anxiety, really weird",Anxiety +52856,"I’ve been trying to get help for months it’s so frustrating Our healthcare system is so over burdened. The psychiatrist in town has an almost 9 month wait list (but I finally got in). The community/parent support worker I was connected to cancelled our sessions because their department ran out of funding; the program was cut. I’m waiting until they announce the new budget in April and get more funding. Then I’ll get a worker back + +I’m giving every ounce of effort I have to get the supports I need and use them so that I can learn to function on my own. + +I have a 4 year old and I hate how im raising him. I feel like an asshole trying to explain to my dr that even though my house is full of food I struggle to feed him properly because I have no appetite I don’t cook for myself and I don’t know what to feed him. I look at all the food in my cupboard and I can’t make a decision on what to make. But then my son tells me he’s hungry right now so I just microwave a pizza pocket or corn dog for him. +I’m just so tired. I’m failing at everything. I’ve reached out for support and the people in the roles want to help me bc they see me trying. My psychiatrist even has seen me on his days off. It’s just the system as a whole that is underfunded and broken",Anxiety +52857,"xanax please help hi. this is going to be a bit of a long post. I have suffered from emetophobia for 8 years now. Have been and am still going to therapy, on antidepressants and have been on hydroxyzine. Recently, my doctor prescribed me .5mg of xanax every day. This has spiked my anxiety because I know I can gain a tolerance to it and become addicted. I have never misused it or done anything wrong, but I feel guilty for using it every day and I’m scared I’ll become addicted and have withdrawals. Can someone give me some insight on this please?",Anxiety +52858,"just some thoughts for you be patient with yourself. +its okay to say no. YOU are experiencing your life. nobody knows how you feel. your feelings are valid and its okay to set boundaries. its okay if you can‘t do it today. it takes a lot of energy for you to always fight against your worries and anxiety. so its totally understandable if you need some space and peace. + +dont surround yourself with people that drain your energy. its okay to let them go. this gives you more energy to focus on the good people and things in your life. + +i hope you have a good day today. but also dont have too much expectations. its totally fine if not everything is going to work out today.",Anxiety +52859,"Others getting their own way.. how to not care long story short... trying to book a trip away and 2 of the 5 keep taking all suggestions and twisting/changing. +other 3 have got fed up and just let them plan it their way. +I get so anxious and stressed when planning stuff anyway because I'm a control freak (maybe OCD about it?), and the thought that they get their own way everytime just cause the rest don't want an argument really annoys me but I don't know why? +any advice or just friendly support welcome!",Anxiety +52860,"Some advice to my people Hello, + +I've been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, and while I take a ridiculous amount of meds for it including lorazapam, pregablin etc, I was informed about Magnesium and I wanted to share this with you. + +So a lot of us get anxiety attacks triggered by the stress hormone cortisol, magnesium works by by stimulating the production of melatonin and serotonin which boost your mood and help you sleep. Magnesium also reduces the production of cytokines and cortisol, which lead to increased inflammation and stress. + +It's important that you don't over do it as you can poison yourself with magnesium, and you also have to make sure it's aspartate, citrate, lactate, and chloride forms as oxide apparently doesn't absorb as well. + +Speak to your pharmacist or Dr if you're mixing medication, but I have been able to reduce the amount of lorazapam I've needed since starting mag and its helped a lot with sleep. I'm truly impressed.",Anxiety +52861,"need help with SSRI nausea I was wondering if anybody has had nausea with one SSRI but not with some other one? + +I am taking Zoloft and nausea is pretty bad, even with the one half of 50 mg tablet. I dont know if switching SSRIs would be beneficial or this side effect would remain the same? + +What is interesting is that I have taken Zoloft 15 yeras ago with absolutely no issues at at all, and now I feel like I am taking a poison. I don't understand this at all. + +Thanks!",Anxiety +52862,"Horrible Fear of Food Being Drugged Lately I’ve been having this massively irrational fear of my food being laced with LSD or some other form of psychedelics. I won’t eat something that’s been already opened regardless of whether or not it’s mine, which has led to me not only wasting food, but actively avoiding eating unless I make it right there, and even then it takes quite a bit of effort. This in turn has also led me to having a fear of an undiagnosed mental illness, and I can’t quite afford to go to a doctor currently to figure out if that is the case. + +I’ve only ever been technically “drugged” once when the cannabis my friend bought was laced with PCP a few months ago but this fear extends back to when I was around fifteen (twenty three now). I’ve done acid only twice and while I did enjoy it, it’s not something I’m likely to do again, and I rarely smoke cannabis or drink, but I did do a lot of both for a few years. + + Obviously nobody is gonna waste good acid on me but the fear is constantly there to the point that I yelled at my brother the other day for jokingly pretending to drop something into my Gatorade on the way to work (he’s unaware of this fear) and threw it away despite it being completely full, and even avoided eating the cookies my mom brought down for Christmas, which made me feel awful as there is absolutely no way my mom would ever do anything like that to me. + +I’m iffy on telling anybody close to me about this fear for a few reasons, the main one being the irrationality of it all, but I also do not want to be sent to an inpatient center (again, can’t afford it) as I was for depression as a minor. Sorry for the rambling wall of text but I just need to know if this is signs of a more major illness or at the very least how I can possibly cope with it.",Anxiety +52863,"Hurry sickness is driving me crazy. Does anyone else have this? I have hurry sickness and it's linked to my anxiety and BPD. It causes me so much anxiety because I always feel like I need to do many things at the same time or short period of time. +I drink my coffee in about 5 minutes, then I read a book for an hour, then I listen to music and surf the web for a non-specific reason. Everything has to be done very fast, and well-planned, if not, I get impatient, irritable, and anxious. +It's pretty exhausting and I realized it's a problem going on for two years now. I did not pay too much attention to this before, since I didn't even know there was a term for this condition. + +Does anyone else experience something similar? How are you dealing with it?",Anxiety +52864,"Just got done with my first psychiatric evaluation I was prescribed Zoloft 25mgs and a blood pressure medication to take when I’m in a panic. I’m nervous but honestly relieved to be put on something. I’ve been struggling so bad and I’m so tired. I was diagnosed with GAD, social anxiety, and depression. I’m finally putting myself and my mental health first and working to make myself better.",Anxiety +52865,"Asked my parents (who I don't live with) for an extra 10 or so a week spending money and they've turned it into a big thing I am currently under an intense care plan as an outpatient at a mental health hospital. One of the nurses suggested asking for an extra amount of allowance. 'well off' (but not rich) parents completely fund me while I'm at university as my loan is less than my rent. + +I was debating asking for weeks, me and my parents have had a strained relationship in the past to say the least, some definitely their fault, some a mix of both of our faults. Anyway, it's left a gap between us that I haven't been brave enough to cross. + +But last night I asked them, told them I wasn't struggling with the current allowance it would purely be for an extra nice thing a week to help me get by during these times. IMO they've blown it way out of proportion, they wanted a phone call today to log all my spending and now they're wanting to come and visit me TODAY. It's sending my anxiety haywire this is why I don't open up or ask anything from my parents. + +What do I do? Say no to them visiting all together? I'm 100% fine with keeping the current allowance, I just want a yes or a no to have some closure on this conversation with my parents. + +So, I'll repeat my question: (with your limited knowledge of my life) What do I do??",Anxiety +52866,"Please help! Hey guys, I have an on-site interview after being a complete depressed, socially angst hermit for the last 6 months. When I say I didn’t go out of my house more than 4 times in 6 months, best believe it😂 +I applied for a job and I have to fly to another state for it. I thought things were getting better with me but my anxiety is through the roof just thinking about the travel, but mostly the interview. It’s a 2hour session from 10-12pm. +I usually take 10 mg of propranolol, but I don’t think it ll be enough. Do you guys think it’s ok to take 20mg. Before you ask me to ask my doctor, he said I should take 10-20 mg but I have never taken 20 mg before and I am scared I ll pass out or I won’t be able to breath (had asthma when I was younger). +I was thinking maybe of taking one at 8am and then another at 9.30am-ish. +What do you guys think? Anyone with experience? +Also I m a “little” female despite being in my mid 30s . 5 feet and 110lbs",Anxiety +52867,"Coping mechanisms for trigger scenario I've had nightmare neighbors which my housing have ignored for years the ball is finally rolling but I'm freaking out as they are having the housing officer in question and community officer who doesn't speak up about things they said that were incorrect previously to come for this talk, where were going to discuss their failings. + +Injustice and lying really trigger my anxiety and emotion regulation so I'm wondering what I could do in this meeting to relax? Right now all I can think of is music in one ear and camomile tea",Anxiety +52868,Freaking out My fiancée and i got into a horrible fight this morning. I dont want to get into details but its to the point where she may just want me to leave. Im freaking out. Im an alcoholic but sober 3 years and the anxiety im now experiencing from this is same i had when i drank. Its messing with me but more so this is something i gotta work through. I just want to sleep. Im inconpacitated i feel like. Theres so much to do. But i want to just get past this and move on. We both just flipped out on each other but more so cause i started my day off bad. I don't start my day off bad it doesnt get to this point. Or at least suppress it until the day got better. Im just torn up inside. Feel like i messed everything up. I really did.,Anxiety +52869,"Doctors notes/records Hi just wondering if anybody knows about if doctors think you are drug seeking do they put that on your record? +I went to doctors yesterday, didn’t see my usual GP, it was about spinal pain that radiates up my back, only seems to hurt after physical activity which is weird but concerning to me. The day before appointment I went gym & done some light training on back muscles which really set it off, was painful & felt weird afterwards like weakness in my arms, bit dizzy and just a general weak feeling like really weak and disorientated. She was not helpful at all, basically done a quick op’s check, checked my back briefly & said it seems ok. She said to rest on weekend and see how I go, she said hot water bottle. The more im thinking about my appointment with a her yesterday I get the impression she feels I was drug seeking. I never asked for any drugs but I feel she was misunderstanding me being concerned with trying to get drugs. She said something when I sat down like “you’re looking to discuss pain management” I didn’t really take it in as was really anxious and tired so I said yeah about my spine then proceeded to talk about my concerns, but not once did I say anything about wanting medications/drugs. I’m annoyed now I should of been clear that I would of liked a referral to be checked out or something. I’m on pregabalin for anxiety (it also just happens to be a nerve pain drug) and she said few times about you’ll have review soon with usual GP to see if it’s helping my anxiety and not just about pain management. She also said you’ve only upped dosage 10 days ago. I didn’t really take it in properly at the time but I feel she thinks I was trying to up my dose or get pain meds? I’m worried now that it will be on my notes and I’m also frustrated that I didn’t correct her properly. Any advice or help on this would be appreciated im very anxious about this, I feel I was totally misunderstood and I don’t like the thought of her putting on notes I was looking for pain management or medication to help that. I also noticed as I was leaving she done a frustrated sigh. This experience has made me feel invalidated, misunderstood and made my anxiety and depression worse. I’m struggling mentally very very bad to say the least.",Anxiety +52870,,Anxiety +52871,"C19 I was just wondering if anyone is paranoid about C19? + +I am still masking up, trying to keep my distance and washing and anti-baccing my hands like its going out of fashion.",Anxiety +52872,"Struggling. Could use some support. Tldr, been medicating and going to therapy for about 2-3 weeks. Feeling better than where I was, but still struggling, mainly at nights. Have health anxiety and hate feeling [insert sensation/feeling here] and if keeps me from sleeping. + +Just really wishing I lived with friends to always be in arms reach of a hug. I need those right now.",Anxiety +52873,"The anxiety seasons have started It’s gotten hot where I live meaning it’s officially Spring meaning it’s officially anxiety season, wooo! + +It is currently 4:30 AM, it’s too hot for me to sleep, and the heat is giving me anxiety. The air conditioning is *SUPPOSED* to be on, but it’s been broken in this room for like a year and my mom refuses to admit it’s broken, saying that it’s just cause the room is over the garage. Which I KNOW isn’t true because I’d still be able to at least HEAR or FEEL the air conditioning running but it DOESNT. + +It’s kinda funny (not really, but if I don’t laugh I WILL have a mental breakdown) that Spring and Summer are the worst for my anxiety when almost everyone else (*cough* neurotypicals *cough*) tend to LOVE those seasons. Ass that to the list of im just weird I guess lol",Anxiety +52874,"Work, life, anxiety(f20) Today is actually the day all my worries are transformed in real situations, let's start +First of all, my grandma's sister birthday, I totally forgot about . Than said that I would come, but I forgot about gift and overslept, than was to anxious to go, and called said I'm sick, than I received a message from my coworker like hah where are you the event is starting, I totally forgot about this than I fucked up with my student, rescheduling our lesson like 3-5 times ( because I thought I would maybe go on a birthday)and finally telling that I'm sick to her as well because well at this moment I was already crying because how irresponsible and stupid this situation is, and also it would be so strange to do this lesson with her after not going to the event, and the event is still going, I probably should get there, but it's to overwhelming at this point, I also will not go to the birthday party for the same reason, to much stress for me already, I want to just disappear, I try so hard to remember everything and it just happenes.. It is so so stupid and I mean I'm completely useless anyway, like who the hell lives with memory troubles at 20 , it feels like some disorder at this point ( I forget a lot of things) +My mom is dating an alhogolic and last couple of weeks were a nightmare. +I didn't sleep normal for a long time because of this situation and last night was a disaster +A lot of other troubles financial, with studying +And at the end right now I feel like literally throwing up from the level of anxiety that I experience",Anxiety +52875,"Coffee and antipsychotics Greetings people I hope you're having a good day. First of all how are your experiences with coffee and antipsychotic meds? I've been on Abilify and Alprazolam for years never had been feeling alert on them always either sleepy or have weird feeling in my stomach. Now I've tried everything with these meds be it smoking or alcohol I stopped all of it because it caused very nasty problems with me when I stopped I finally felt myself even through I've read on Wikipedia that coffee can also cause problems when you take these meds it's says even small amounts can cause side effects that's called caffeine induced anxiety. + +I'm not really sure how am I supposed to be awake I mean I'm unemployed still in hands of my parents and other family members who take care of me and understand my problems but how did you manage to stay awake without coffee or did coffee really help you without feeling weird all time while on meds? It would be stupid for me to sleep all day and miss some important events or have fun chatting with friends or playing video games or better yet studying different topics like electrical engineering or making homemade circuits. Not electrical engineer just doing something for hobby.",Anxiety +52876,"Question I have a question, so when i am out in public i feel like everyone is looking at me, but then i start feeling like I’m in a dream, like a lucid dream. I can but i feel like i cant think thoughts and only focus on doing what I’m supposed to do. I also feel like my head is fogged up inside too in public lol. Im not the happiest person to be honest and since maybe half a year ago I’ve stopped caring abt things and when i think of something and it gets a little complicated i just quit thinking abt it, i dont care enough to think about anything for some reason. Can someone please tell me if its anxiety or is there something wrong with me.",Anxiety +52877,"Being bad at something new gives me anxiety I know it’s contradictory but yeah. Not sure if this has to do with being a perfectionist or if it’s something else. I enjoy the “rush” of learning new things and knowing things, but when it push comes to shove and I need to practice what I’m learning, that’s when I usually find out I still have a long way to go and will have to fail and make mistakes and actually suck at that thing for a while. It’s like I just want to skip to the “good” part. I feel like the work is only productive/useful when it’s good. + +How do you even deal with the uncomfortable parts of learning and growing? :( + +I just keep pushing on but sometimes it feels like I’m making no progress at all. And I know that “slow progress is still progress” but then my anxiety kicks in with bullsh*t like “other people are staying up and working their asses off while you’re celebrating a tiny step forward.”",Anxiety +52878,"I used beta blockers for 3 weeks and quitted, now I'm sweating abnormally in my private area, is this normal? I used propranolol for anxiety and stress but I quitted after 3 weeks because I had too much side effects. The day I began too lower my dosage untill stopping I have experienced excessive sweating around my sit area. And by that I mean abnormally much. Is this something related to betablockers and has anyone had a similair experience with this?",Anxiety +52879,"Advice I’ve been dealing with some anxiety issues my whole life. I’ve had lots of trama and was diagnosed with ADHD as a young child. Never being able to focus and always the most loud and distributive( in school). I used to stay up at night as a kid because after watching the slightest scary movie I would be afraid. Anyways the point of the backstory is to give you a sense of who I was. Lately within the past year my anxiety has been through the roof. I find it very hard to focus and have lots of thoughts at once. Even some that just pop into my head. I can hear other peoples tone of voice. Not like big conversation. My anxiety was so high I was getting lots of physical symptoms heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath to which I thought I had a heart problem. So I went to the doctors and got all the tests and didn’t believe my heart was fine until I got the results. I thought about this everyday. To which now I think this might had been a delusion. My point is I’m very worried I’m developing Schizophrenia. My family does have a history of mental health issues.I know this post is confusing and if I’m worried about my mental health I should see a doctor. But I’m just looking for advice. + +**Edit** +I would like to add that for a long time when I went home after a long day I could not relax to fall asleep. My mind would be racing. The only way I could describe it is like a radio. In order to drown it out I would have to put on music to fall asleep.",Anxiety +52880,I have been taking 20mg citalopram for 9 days now - I am feeling more depressed/dissociative/unmotivated/tired than ever/before - does it get better? Is this normal? I do have a check up appointment with the doctor next week but I’m nervous maybe it’s not working for me :(,Anxiety +52881,"Anxiety has ruined my life... I need some advice/help (Gonna be a little long, gonna rant a bit) + +Little back story, 20-year-old male, no past history of major anxiety other than flying on planes etc.. + +Last year from January to April was feeling the best I have ever felt in my life! worked out 6-7 days a week, confidence was high, and not a care in the world. I would say around May, I started getting increasingly fatigued every day. As the days went on, it felt like I was detached from reality. By the end of the year, I felt so detached, fatigued, and had major brain fog. I have a small bump on the back of my head, it doesn't hurt, I got it checked out and the doc said it could be a skull deformity. I dont believe her. I convinced myself that I had something wrong with me, and I went down the rabbit hole of self-diagnosing by reading google (i know worst idea ever). I could only function to the fraction I could before my snapping point. I felt so depolarized and had no energy at this point. I convinced myself I had a chronic illness that I was going to die from (I still belive this), I got every scan and lab work done. Nothing came of it. I had no idea what was causing all of these symptoms. Fast forward to January, I started a very stressful college class. It is an intensive academy-type class. I thought I had my stress pretty well controlled but in February I had my first panic attack ever. Went to school that day feeling fine, didn't eat breakfast, but drank 180mg of caffeine (I usually have \~300mg a day). During the afternoon portion of the class, I felt this sense of impending doom, and shortness of breath and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. For 2 hours my HR was in the \~130s. I had no Idea what was going on and felt like I was gonna die. So my teacher wanted me transported to the ER, My EKG came back normal, sinus tachycardia (fast heart rate). They pulled labs and everything was normal except for low magnesium and potassium. They gave me some fluids and discharged me. For the next few days my heart rate was a constant 120 even when resting and my anxiety was through the roof! It sucked! My doctor then prescribed me Lexapro, and man oh man, hats of to anyone that could get through that first phase of Lexapro. It trashed me, constant panic attacks, SOB, tingling, the whole 9 yards. I stopped after 5 days due to the fact that I didn't want to be tied to a pill at such a young age. Since my panic attack, Ive had constant anxiety. Im having anxiety about things Ive never worried about before! it sucks! Its like I have to experience all these things over again (like driving) to tell myself there is nothing to be anxious about. Ill also be sitting in the most comfortable place in my house, not stressed at all, then my heart rate will kick off to the \~120s for the whole day. Do you guys experience this? I also feel like I'm having heart palpitations. It feels like my heart is in my throat and I can't catch my breath. It sucks! Every time I stand up my heart rate jumps. It takes a long time for me to calm down and convince myself I'm not dying. I know my case is minor to some cases Ive read but damn Im having a hard time with this. Im in constant fear and anxious about having another anxiety attack and passing out. Im trying everything I can before I commit to an antidepressant. Im trying L theanine, Ashwagandha, and magnesium. I got prescribed adarax but it doesn't seem to help like ativan does. I just want my old life back. Is this normal? Does it get better? will it be like this forever? how did you guys get over your anxiety? tips? medications? Thank you all for taking time and reading my post I really appreciate it. I just really need some help...",Anxiety +52882,"Anxiety dizziness - What does everyone's feel like? This has bee driving me mental for a year now as you can probably tell from my post history. + +Only way I can describe it is I get sudden episodes where I feel sick, like I'm falling, warm rush feeling and tight head then I snap out of it again. + +When it's really bad I almost feel numb and out of my own body like everything's in slow motion. + +Can happen standing sitting laying down. + +Drives me absolutely mental because I just cannot reconcile how anxiety could cause this so I constantly worry it's my heart. + +Anyone else get this? What helped stop it for good?",Anxiety +52883,"Vitamin c deficiency? Has anyone had vitamin c deficiency, and how long did supplementation take to affect anxiety?",Anxiety +52884,"Terrified of going to the dentist I know I have some cavities because I went to the dentist sometime last year and they scheduled an appointment for fillings but when I showed up, no one was there and they wouldn't answer my calls for months so I gave up. But tonight I was looking at my teeth and I'm pretty sure I see one. I don't see any actual black or decay, just an indent that was hiding behind some tartar, but everyone's always told me that once you can see a cavity it's already too far and the tooth usually needs to be pulled (might not be true, just what I've been told) + I'm hopefully going to make an appointment on Monday but I'm so nervous because my teeth are terrible. I don't have any missing or rotting teeth but I can never remember to brush them and I had hg a couple years ago that turned into a 3 year long problem of throwing up multiple times a day. So they're yellow, have a ton of build up, and I'm pretty sure they told me I have gum disease at my last appointment. I'm so worried they're going to judge me and think I'm disgusting. I'm also terrified of getting fillings because the numbing shots never work fully for me so it's always super painful. + I checked their website and it says that they offer nitrous, conscious sedation, and iv sedation but I'm not even sure my insurance will pay for ""unnecessary sedation"" since nitrous makes me freak out. And then, how would I ask for it without sounding like a drug seeker?? I'm sorry if this seems like rambling. I'm just freaking out.",Anxiety +52885,germ anxiety please help I invited my friend over to stay because it was late but I have crippling germophobia and ocd. I feel horrible because I love my friend to bits. but im so triggered rn because I cleaned the toilet and we didn't have gloves and I don't know if she used it yet and now im terrified of having a disease I can't stop spiraling,Anxiety +52886,I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE ITS SO HARD TO KEEP GOING... I keep panic and telling my parent I need to go to the E.R.I keep having panic attack I use the restroom and i have a panic attack which cause my scalp to feel like it's burning I keep having a little chest pain and think in having a heart attacks. I have had headaches for the past 10 too 11 days and keep thinking I'm having a brain anyersum or stroke any little pain in my head makes me panic and spiral. I've been trying to play through my favorite resident evil games but it just won't distract me anymore im just panicking over and over. I sometimes think it would be better if I wasn't here anymore so I wouldn't bug anyone. Or wouldn't feel this pain all the doctors say im fine but I don't feel fine. I also feel like stress won't end even if I'm not thinking about any pain will cause me to panic.,Anxiety +52887,"What to use What to use when you are stressing a lot +Maybe some vitamins or minerals?",Anxiety +52888,"Am I weird? My friend came for a sleepover today and we went in my room. He didnt ask or anything and just sat in my bed. After some time he layed in it, had my plushies in his arm, the blanked over him and the pillows under his head and I just wanted to scream. I still feel so uncomfortable. I can't wait him to be gone so I can change my bed sheets and wash everything. He also changed the position of my bedtable And I feel like ripping my skin of, I can't stand the feeling, and goddamn HE HAD SCHOOL CLOTHES ON. And went in. My. Bed. I changed the sheets not a while ago and they were all clean and now not. I don't even allow myself to lay in my bed with dirty clothes. I need to shower, put on fresh clothes and then I can lay in my bed. I had the problem of people just simply touching anything in my bed since I was little, They always bullyed me and extra jump on it, ect. I always cried because of it and It still didnt change. I'm so sensitive about anyone on my bed, I even feel disgusted if my mom sits on it just a tiny bit. There is no excuse ,everyone I know makes me uncomfortable when beeing on my bed. Does it have to do with my adhd? Is it autism? OCD? PTSD? or am I just weird? I'm slowly going insane, someone help me.",Anxiety +52889,"Paranoia It has been a stressful time for me (just moved countries). I have always seen things out of the corner of my eye but didn’t think anything of this. The last few weeks has gotten more noticeable. Last night I kept seeing shadows to the point I could not move of the couch until I forced myself too. All day it’s been happening, thinking I see things like figures and having images that are horror related come into my head. Every noise I hear I’m instantly scared. + +Has anyone had instances like this? It’s getting to the point of when my dogs bark I start to cry because I’m so scared.",Anxiety +52890,"My mom doesn't believe anxiety is real I finally got the courage to talk to a professional today for my anxiety. I got prescibed medication and I told my mom, expecting she would be glad for me. She was not. + +She got super angry and told me anxiety is not real, and that the medical and drug industries are just a big mafia looking to exploit people for profit. She told me I'm just going to get worse and that the medication will turn me into a lethargic zombie. + +Also she didn't approve that the dr. gave me a 2 week sick leave from work and made me feel bad for ""skipping work"". + +I feel so bad now. Maybe I shouldn't have seeked help after all?",Anxiety +52891,"4 years ago I wasnt showering for months at a time, depressed, anxious and paranoid. At the time I was sober going on 18, 19 years. I was, and am on disability since 09' for schizoaffective bipolar type disorder. + +For the longest time, especially since sobriety, I've been overwhelmed with thinking. Space, time, behavior, tornadoes...whatever. + +But, since my life was an unmanaged train wreck I had no confidence in myself as having any quality. It seems that feeling good about yourself comes from a well managed life. + + +My last job was as a janitor on the army base near by roughly 5 years ago. I couldnt handle the pressure. I was so dependant on others for everything I was asking if I was sweeping properly. Very bad mindset. A lady mentioned crying and it made me feel like crying. I didnt understand how that could be. It seemed like witchcraft, so to speak. That was my last day at my last job. It was my 4th attempt to go back to work since my disability badge acquisition! + +I've been in therapy for 16 or 17 years ago I got into therapy from a mental health episode. During that visit at the crisis stabilisation unit in Virginia (Fredricksburg) I met a man that changed my life. He went by the name Bose Uncle. He taught me a breathing exercise. 3 in 6 out. You breath in deep for 3 seconds roughly then out for 6 seconds. Also roughly. Dont try to be specific like me and do it exactly 3 and 6. + +On down the road, life and me under pressure and practicing my breathing because sufferage bleep blop bloop, pandemic. Overwhelming, unadulteraded pain in the brain from an anxiety I'd never expierenced before I saw a vision. It seemed to be the exact same thing that happened to Bill Wilson from AA. A wind blew through me. His words. My words on it are, I was no longer a bound up point in time and space holding on to the memories from the stimulation from the moment. I was free from the tension that came about from the fucking utter bullshit that exists. I let it go. The moment. I stopped holding and figuring. + +&#x200B; + +It was like my being afraid got wore out. I remember specifiaclly saying to myself at the height of my pain in a ridgid bodily posture laying in my recline, ""bullshit."" I calle dbullshit on my old beliefs. That old fire and brimstone god. Intstead I chose ""my concept"" of life as my God. My ideas are good to. Changed life. + + +About six months later I nearly died from pancreatitis. When I got home from 6 days in the hospital I shared it on facebook. I received a good number of get well soon messages as expected. I did not get what I thought I would. People coming to visit, bringing me food...all that. I nearly fucking died. I know hundreds of people. What does that mean? My perception is fucked up, my beghhvior is fucked up, I need to change. + + +I did not think that way at first. At first I thought, ""I fucking hate everyone."" For a while. + +Then 6 months later, I got diagnosed with autism. April 24th 2021. + + +6 months later after learning to relax, I rested on my heels for the first time in my life. This began the second chapter of my life. The taking my time portion. The I am the most impotant person in my life to me. You all come second. For ever. I no longer run to the kitchen, the bathroom, through the grocery store, drive fast, or move my limbs fast. I have even taken control of my eyes speed of movement. + + +Did you know that your body can control your mind. If you dont control your body your body will be controlled by your environment throught the mind. + + +You receive stimulus simply due to being a sensing being. This moves you. If you are not aware of it. Make yourself aware of this and take control of your body, the way you look, smell, move (behavior speed) amplitude of voice ...total bodily control and you can eliminate a great deal of your own suffering. I havew come off my depression meds and greatfully have finally been more aptly medicated with litium. Now I dont have to force myself into slow mo behavior but I do stay aware I think from a bit of fear. + + +You can control your thinking! + + +You can control your thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + +&#x200B; + +I wish I could impress upon whomever needs it that the pause in conversation is ok. Moving the body oddly slow is not odd. Not speaking is an answer. And, you dont owe a motherfucker a goddamn thing if it stresses you out. + + Peace in east!",Anxiety +52892,"I am tired of having anxiety I am physically and mentally very exhausted right now and I tried to fall asleep, but I’m so nauseous from my anxiety that I really just couldn’t and sometimes I just like want to feel normal so bad but I feel like I will never get there. My anxiety sucks so bad. I feel like most days it controls who i am and what i act like for that day. Today i went out with my friends and we had a good time but we ended up being outside a lot longer than we would and i got extremely cold and started panicking. We were far from everyone’s house and all i wanted was to go home. They came to my house afterwards and it was nice for a while but i was still feeling anxious. When they all left i felt immediately better like this huge weight on my chest being lifted off. it’s not that i don’t like my friends but being around people is so exhausting. I hate that im like this i just wanna feel normal so bad. I get anxious so easily and it won’t go away for hours. Then when i’m not feeling anxious i feel depressed. It constantly feels like a never ending storm or something. Like just when it starts to feel bright and the rain might stop it starts again and gets so dark. I’m constantly fighting just to stay sane and it’s so hard. All i want is to feel normal and okay, and maybe real because i’m constantly dissociating. (I do have a therapist btw)",Anxiety +52893,Any good YouTubers that talk about their experiences with anxiety? I've been trying to find YouTubers who talk about anxiety and things they may have done to help them. I just think it would be nice to find someone who shares similar experiences so I feel like I'm not crazy all the time lol. Anyone got anything? Thanks!,Anxiety +52894,"Had a really bad turn the last few days Hi everyone, I've had anxiety for the last 6 months or so in varying levels. From January I was in a decent headspace with it but the last three weeks it's got worse and then the last four days or so it's gone off a cliff. + +It's all I think about all day long, I had panic attacks on Monday and Wednesday and my heart is racing all day. Where before I'd wake up rested now I wake up with my heart racing and frequently my muscles are spasming which is scary. The thought of doing normal stuff feels impossible and I can't shake this feeling I can't get better than this ever again. + +I spoke to my doctor on Thursday and he prescribed propranolol which I took yesterday for the first time which helped with the body stuff but my mind was still racing. + +Has anyone experienced similar and have any tips? I feel like this is really really bad and worse than most people have anxiety.",Anxiety +52895,"Welcome to todays game of is this anxiety or am I dying? For tonight’s players we have: weird jaw moment, chest tightness and irrational thoughts! Feat: what’s causing my moment of low sugar - new keto diet or new symptom. +Thanks for playing!",Anxiety +52896,"Does anyone else experience Catalonia ? I have severe anxiety, when I’m really stressed or get triggered I zone out completely . It’s really scary does anyone else experience this? it’s like the lights are on but nobodies home.",Anxiety +52897,"Overwhelmed, tried, struggling I was diagnosed with an other-specified anxiety disorder for about a year now and that sent me into a tailspin during my diagnosis. I was doing therapy consistently since then and felt like I had a handle on things but was triggered into another episode a month ago. + +I just feel disconnected and kind of dead now. I've had on and off anxiety the whole month, it's affected my relationship, I'm exhausted all the time, struggling also with stomach issues and feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. My partner has tried to be supportive but I can tell it wears him down. I can't see how I can keep doing this and feeling like this forever. I don't even know what I'm looking for from this post but I just wanted to write something out because I feel tired and sad and alone.",Anxiety +52898,"Self diagnosed hypochondriac, actively looking to start therapy and looking for people with a similar situation Every week there’s a new flavor of death on the horizon. Liver disease, cardiovascular disease, colorectal cancer, brain amoeba, HIV, esophageal cancer, and so on. + +I’m living my life convinced that I’m going to prematurely die any moment. + +I have body dysmorphia and have never been able to take my shirt off in front of anyone, even when my significant other is the most reassuring person in the world. + +Every little ache, pain, mark, and feeling can set me down a rabbit hole. + +I plan to start therapy soon and am actively looking for a therapist for in person sessions in my area. If anyone is in the same boat as me or has ever been, would love to talk or hear your story. Thanks",Anxiety +52899,"Amoxicillin 500mg, missed two days Hi guys, so i was prescribed amoxicillin 500mg for my throat because the doc believed i had strep throat. I took my medication like it was instructed, 3 times a day for 10 days, but forgot to take it for 2 days. Now i am having a mild sore throat, is it too late to take it, or should i continue to take it, wiill it still work?",Anxiety +52900,"How to shake the feeling someone or something gonna break into the house? I live alone. Right now it is storming. Every night I lay awake wondering if someone or something has broke in. My eyes are tired. I know the doors are locked, but how do you get over this anxiety? I've been alone for 4 months.",Anxiety +52901,Can we have stress/anxiety without even knowing it? I know when I'm stressed and anxious. But there are times when I feel normal - but it is possible that I'm subconsciously stressed and anxious without even knowing it?,Anxiety +52902,Please help So many thoughts just need a distraction someone please talk to me.,Anxiety +52903,"Hiv anxiety I had gone to a barber 34 days back for a hair cut.And while cutting my hair, he put a towel on my neck and stopped it with a pin.But that pin stuck on my neck,Now I am afraid that can I get HIV from that pin?2 people had also got their hair cut before me and I do not recognize those people.Or if that barber has HIV and he pricks that pin on his finger and my nick at the same time?Nowadays I get sweaty while sleeping at night.And there are small nodes on my neck, when I touch I can feel those nodes.",Anxiety +52904,"health anxiety can I just say, fuck health anxiety! I truly cannot tell if I should go to the doctor or if I’m making up a problem. I’m pretty sure I was spitting up blood just now but I think it might have been from my gums. i’m freaking out being on a new medication and i feel like it was a big mistake and something’s happening to my insides. it doesn’t help that my doctor doesn’t take mental health issues seriously. + +how do you all deal with health anxiety???",Anxiety +52905,Overthinking How can I control my thoughts instead of letting them overwhelm me ?,Anxiety +52906,Away from home I’m away from home on a college tour for this weekend and I’m really anxious. I’m super fatigued and my stomach kinda hurts (I have emetophobia) and it’s freaking me out. I recently had covid so I’m worried it’s making a comeback. Could really use someone to talk to rn,Anxiety +52907,Kids death How can I stop having fear about my kids death? I’ll go in a spiral just thinking about it. It’s too irrational but scary.,Anxiety +52908,"Have my body forgotten how to breath properly? I have a constant feeling of tightness in my chest. +No matter how i breathe i can never take a breath that feels relaxing and satisfying. +Sometimes when i don't pay attention to my breathing i subconsciously hold my breath for a few seconds only to gasp for air a few moments later. +Most of the time my breathing is shallow and irregular. + +A lifetime of anxiety and the associated sensation of having a hard time breathing makes me believe my nervous system have forgotten how to breath properly. + +Can anyone relate?",Anxiety +52909,"Anxiety stopping me from working I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while now, I came to the realisation a few years ago that it has mainly stemmed from the relationship with my dad I had when I was younger. This is caused me to not be able to do tasks in front of people (wether they be simple or not) I just can’t do it. I start lightly trembling and thinking about how stupid I must look to whoever is watching me, this causes me to mess up even more. This is really stopped me from wanting to go out and get a job because I know that if the interview goes well (I actually do good in interviews weirdly) then I will eventually have to be shadowed and critiqued by someone while I learn the job. This dread has stopped me from going to 3 interviews now. Does anyone else get this? Sorry for the long post.",Anxiety +52910,"Dry heaving I’ve been dealing with a really complex personal issue involving heartbreak/ loss of a person I deeply care about; certainly the worst pain I’ve experienced in my life thus far. As it stands, I already carry a level of anxiety with me, but with this added on to it, my body has been putting me through hell. I find myself dry heaving hard in the mornings especially, and then at times throughout the day. This has led to some really painful vomiting on several occasions. Its also occurred at my workplace, the gym, and several other public places without warning. I know there’s absolutely a psychosomatic part of all of this, but after almost three weeks, it’s becoming really problematic for me. + +Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this just something I have to power through? Are there any tricks to at least minimize it?",Anxiety +52911,Hi there Anyone up or available? I'm just not doing good right now my anxiety has me feeling like i can't breath and making me feel like my throat is gonna close (yea wierd) I know,Anxiety +52912,"Where do I begin to get help? I'm a 27 year old female. I've probably had anxiety all my life but have never spoken to a doctor or anyone about it. + +I feel like im just always in a constant state of worry. So much so that it drives me to have small OCD traits. Something as simple as fearing a house fire and having to do a series of steps checking lights before I leave the house. Over and over......and over again. It's weird. + +I'm always worrying about the future, past things I can't change, things I say or do after im with people, how people view me, if I have a ""too much"" gene. I'll sit and agonize over things that's so mild for someone to worry about but drives me up a wall. To the point of frustration where I just lose it and cry into a panic. + +I dont even know where to start to solve this. I feel like the past year it's been horrendous and getting increasingly worse. I'm good at playing it off. I'm good at putting on a show because I've always thought I could handle it- lots of people I know feel the same. But it's really starting to take a toll on my life and the things I'm doing or too afraid to even try to do. + +I feel like I use alcohol and drugs as a way to cope sometimes. Not an outrageous amount but I'll have a big drinking night and then will go a week without drinking cause I've worried myself into thinking I have a problem and need self control. + +I'm so good at people pleasing and acting like everything is fine but I feel like my mind is just in a dark place. Telling myself I'll never make it, that I'll always be alone, etc. + +It's really stupid things to stress over. Or at least stupid things to let myself worry about for more than a minute. + +Money is always a bug stress factor- for everyone of course but thats the main reason I think I've never gone to get help. I'm not sure how much it cost to afford the help I need or where to even go. Not to mention the fear I get trying to explain how I feel to someone and them thinking I'm crazy or I'm making it up- how sad to think a professional in this field would judge me.... + +I just feel like if I dont try to improve my overall mindset towards life then I wont have a fulfilling one. I'll be too afraid to try new things that scare me, I'll stick to my same safe routine, and I'll come home and cry over the big and small worries that run through my head daily. + +Where I do I start to fix this...?",Anxiety +52913,"People often say “Really?” when I tell them I have anxiety, and I have mixed emotions about it. On the one hand, it’s comforting to know that all of my worries about coming across as nervous or awkward are so out of proportion that people don’t even know I have anxiety. + +On the other hand, it feels sort of invalidating to my struggle, if that makes sense. This thing often consumes my life, and it’s frustrating that no one knows how hard I’m trying. They just think this is easy for me, that I can effortlessly raise my hand and speak in class like other people do. That’s not to say that I feel negatively toward the people who say this, more that it’s just generally frustrating that people have no idea. + +Have y’all thought about this too? Do you look at it a different way?",Anxiety +52914,"Does anyone else have their anxiety relieved by McDonald's fries???? Sounds stupid, but whenever I feel my anxiety go through the roof and make me nauseunauseouss, McDonald's fries always help ground me for whatever reason...",Anxiety +52915,"I’m dating someone I really like and it’s absolutely killing me A bit of background: I was diagnosed with ocd and gad about 15 years ago. Been very much under control for the most part. + +I’m 32 years old and just started dating an incredible 31 year old woman about a month ago. I’ve dated a lot over the past few years, but this is the first time in ages where I’ve REALLY been into the person. Normally it feels like the people I date like me more than I like them, and anxiety doesn’t play a role. I just go about my day with a calm mind and do what needs to be done. But now it feels like the roles are reversed, and I’m getting crushed. + +Constant thoughts of whether or not she likes me, obsessing over every word in her texts to try interpreting meaning, freaking out if she’s doesn’t respond to my messages within a couple hours. It’s taking over my life. My work is slipping, I can’t sleep well, a constant awful sick panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach. + +It doesn’t help that she’s very reticent with her emotions and does not offer much words of affection or validation. But I don’t want to scare her off with my intense feelings so on the surface I’ve been playing it cool the best I can. I almost wish she would just end things with me so I could move on, because not knowing how she feels is the worst part. + +I don’t know what to do.",Anxiety +52916,"Try to massage the back of your head with your palm, and then concentrate on feeling it and imagine that you are thinking your thoughts and feeling feelings there. This technique helped me to develop awareness of my thoughts and feelings as observer. Also it helped me to heal my anxiety and neurosis. I call this “Back of head method”. I hope you try it and it works. + +If your attempt was successful and you started feeling calmness and ease, i recommend you to regularly practice this method for months to get good results. You won’t even recognize your reaction to impulses after long practice.",Anxiety +52917,"Working in a call center I just started a new job that has the absolute best work environment ever. However, it's answering phones, and of course that's not ideal for me. The sheer amount of information I have to navigate is overwhelming; every question is entirely unique, and I'm beginning to feel really stupid and out of sorts. It's not rocket science, just selling hotel rooms-- any advice on how to stay calm and collected??",Anxiety +52918,"I’m Afraid My Mom Might Hurt Me So the preface, I’m someone in my early twenties living with my parents. My parents have been fighting for years, occasionally physically. This would usually include my mom knocking in my dad’s door to argue with him. These arguments would usually start with topics that included bills, taxes, or myself, that would eventually escalate to more personal matters I will not get into too much here. I used to try to intervene when things got too heated since they can’t stop themselves, but recently I have decided not to so anymore as the last time I tried to intervene, my mom did physically attack me (I didn’t get hurt, I was just standing in front of my dad and she lurched at me). + +Last night, she called me to ask if I could knock on my dad’s door, since he wasn’t responding to her calls, because she “needed to pay a bill.” I knew that this wasn’t just about a bill, so I compromised and sent him a text instead, I even sent her a screenshot as proof. And I wasn’t going to call him/wake him up in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency, as I would consider it to be rude to do so. + +She then says “don’t worry your little head about, go back to sleep or whatever, okay?” + +Then, she called me again, this time saying “What are the consequences gonna be? Knock on the fucking door.” I declined, saying I don’t want to be a part of whatever was going on between them, and she should talk to him about this, to which she said “I know. He’s your loving dad, and I’m the evil mom.” + +I said goodnight to her, she laughs and responded with “not goodnight. Good bye.” + +I say that I will talk to her tomorrow, and she replies “I’ll never talk to you again. Not tomorrow, not the next day, or the next.” + +She then calls me twice then immediately hangs up. + +She calls me one more time that night, here are the things she said when I declined to knock on my dads door again: + +“I ask you to do one simple thing, and you didn’t do it. It’s just a simple thing! I tried calling your dad, and he isn’t answering me. It’s not like you’re picking sides or anything! Translation: “Look at what I do for you! And yet, you can’t this simple task for me? Well then I will rescind my love for you!” + +“It’s not like you’re picking sides or anything!” + +“You’re full of shit, just like him (my dad).” + +“Where has your dad been all of your life?” + +“You need to take responsibility.” + +“Is this what one of your councilors told you to say, the one that I pay [x amount of money, I don’t exactly remember].” + +“You don’t even know what is going on.” + +“But fine. You can do whatever- go to sleep, wake up in the morning, do whatever you do.” + +Me: “ok. Goodnight, mom.” + +And finally, I said goodnight to her, and she said: “Don’t call me mom. Just say good night.” + +That’s not to say my dads innocent either or anything - he’s hella toxic and has treated my mom poorly as well, so it is hard to tell where the abuse and victimization starts and ends between the two of them. Basically, they’re both each others abusers and victims, if that makes any sense at all. + +But I do believe he is the safer parent, as although he can, at his worst, make me feel very uncomfortable to be around him, as he is kind of an asshole at times, I don’t feel like my safety is threatened around him, unlike with my mom. He’s a lesser of two evils , if you will. + +So I just feel really anxious right now. I did not want to be used as a pawn against dad, and my mom immediately associated me with him. So, now I’m afraid that when she comes home, she will start to treat exactly like she treats dad, or worse. I’m afraid she might start pounding my door and attacking verbally and physically. + +Okay that is all, I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading this.",Anxiety +52919,"Something is wrong with me... (Trigger warning) I'm becoming numb and I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm not diagnosed with anxiety, but I know I have it. Even being aware, I don't feel better. It sucks. I'm a good person. I don't say that a lot but I am. Why is this happening to me? Overthinking every stupid thing, nail-biting, the constant hatred for myself and others. It doesn't help. As a kid, I've always known that something is wrong with me. But I'm too scared to tell my parents because if it's confirmed, it means I'm sick. I am not okay and I want help. But I'm so used to being the person who helps not being helped. I always put on a fake smile and am never in a bad mood; no one suspects it. + +I feel so alone. I should be used to it but ever since I've got friends, I want to spend time with them. It doesn't help because we have a huge fight and I keep overthinking it. I wanted to feel better because I somehow convince myself my feelings are fake and that I'm doing it for attention. So, I took a pathology test, and the result was too much for me. The questions felt so attacking and my stomach hurt every time I clicked a yes or a no. The result was that it is 90 % sure I have anxiety. My stomach dropped seeing that. While I was happy, I was right at some point, I felt retarded. That realization that is actually something wrong with me was horrifying. I don't mean to degrade anyone, but I felt horrible.",Anxiety +52920,"Speaking. I can’t for the life of me talk to people. I instantly think that if I talk to them I’ll annoy them. I feel like a burden if I do talk about how I feel, but if I don’t then I get told to talk about my feelings. Even talking to someone in passing is terrible. I put words together in my head but I say something completely different.",Anxiety +52921,"How can I decrease my anxious thoughts? Everyday I overthink things and make myself anxious by doing so. Thoughts like ""are they talking about me?"" ""Do they hate me?"" ""Am I doing this right?"" And stuff like that. A lot of thoughts are just me being anxious that I'm a horrible person. What can I do to decrease/have better reactions to these anxious thoughts?",Anxiety +52922,Possible trigger warning / anxiety over tongue Having bad anxiety over my tongue. I have on the side of my tongue this white thing and I tried getting it out but it's hard and I'm having anxiety over what it can be I've never seen this before if anyone can relate please,Anxiety +52923,"Has anyone tried EMDR therapy? I just started. If so, what are your thoughts? I like it so far but mostly just because it triggers my ASMR. + +Did you have success?",Anxiety +52924,"Scared to ask mom for things because of judgement +Ok so kinda a weird post, and I’m not sure if it belongs here, but I figured this sub was probably the best one for it. I also tried the social anxiety sub, but my post was instantly removed. So basically I have this huge fear of asking my mom for things because I think she will judge me for them. I don’t have this fear around anyone else (I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks of me) but for some reason I have it with her. I’m not talking about little things like asking for something at the store or asking for basically any necessity. I’m talking about bigger things like hair dye, piercings, or really anything to do with clothing. For example, recently I worked up the confident to ask her over text if I could dye my hair, which she is fine with, however later that day when she asked me to show her pictures of what I want, I chickened out and got to scared to show her. It’s like I knew she would say yes, but I was still to scared to show her because I was afraid she’d say something judgmental to me. She has always been sorta judgmental towards me but I really want to get over this fear because it prevents me from getting a lot of the things I really want. Is there anything I can do?",Anxiety +52925,I had a mini win ! Hello everyone I hope you’re okay. I was just playing FIFA and boom a big palpitation hit I started to panic felt lightheaded because I was holding my breath because I was so tense and then calmed down. I have had my heart checked 7 times 2 of which are private best testing ones and it’s perfect so I know it’s not going to harm me but still catches me off guard I think it’s more of the fact I was leaning forward that it felt harder and the fact I was breathing in lol. Anyway ! I was laying in bed thinking I need to just once and for all get over all of the symptoms that are making me scared of being I’ll and dying. How can I do that ???? GET OVER MY FEAR OF DYING now I’m not saying I’m perfectly fine with death because I am not but I just thought to myself I can’t stop death and I just need to accept it. If there isn’t a god I won’t know about dying after if there is a God I could go to heaven which is great and who knows I could reincarnate and live life again. We don’t know so it’s the anxiety of not knowing which scares me and leaving my family behind. Like I say I’m a healthy 22 year old male with NO health conditions death can happen at anytime and could happen the next minute but for my age and health it is unlikely but never zero. Now I’m religious and I am sort of anxious in my mind that God is trying to get me to accept death so I can die soon lol but I don’t wanna die soon that’s why I’m scared off. That’s just my anxious mind thinking right ? I guess the positive way of looking at it is that God is getting me to get over my fear of death so I can live the LONG HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE that he put out for me. Can anyone help me accept death even more ?,Anxiety +52926,"Feel the feelings Going through a really challenging situation atm and it's made me realise I've been avoiding tough feelings for a long time, maybe all my life. + +Now that I see this am trying to just let them flow, and breathe through it, but it's really really hard, and it hurts, and is scary, and my avoidance habits are strong. + +I'll keep trying, but if anyone has any advice / experience with this that you can share, the support would be very welcome.",Anxiety +52927,"27 yo with severe anxiety living with parents fails at life +Hey r/anxiety, + +I am in a very tough spot rn, i was working towards becoming a teacher for 7 years, started my teaching certification programme (in my country you need to do this), but after 3 weeks I was so anxious of all the people i constantly had to deal with that i started suffering from constant belly pain, diarrhea, insomnia. So after spending 4 weeks on sick leave i decided i want to quit and try to focus on my mental health first and maybe find a small job (like a 10 h job) in order to be slowly introduced into regular work life while getting support from therapy and social services (the 10 h job idea was from my therapist because i havent had a job except for a summer job when i was 18 which was very traumatic because the boss constantly berated me, made fun of me and humiliated me). +I still live with my parents who have financially supported me throughout my studies (tho till i was 25 my health insurance was free and they got tax benefits and child benefits from me still living with them, if i had moved out i would have been entitled to support by them, my divorced father had to pay me 112 € a month for instance) and to them me quitting because i just can't work with children and a ton of colleagues and the constant stress of being judged and evaluated and dealing with maladjusted kids supposedly is understandable. However they demand of me to immediately get a full-time or 30 hour job so i can move out ASAP in potentially a field i have little experience in and they say i shouldnt become unemployed and rely on social services because it would look bad on my CV. +Because i was struggling to find a field that would interest me within a week of deciding to quit teaching and me offering to apply for a 10 h job at a library (smth i wanted to do before but my applications failed sadly) as a transitionary period my mother basically screamed daily at me the last couple days saying i should get a job and gtfo and stop acting like a child when i started crying, shaking and feeling like i was about to throw up. She says she is entitled to her financial support paying off after all this time and that i should get a job like a normal person and support myself. + +As a result of this constant yelling and screaming and ranting i havent been able to sleep for days, i have lost 3 kg of weight, lack any appetite, have to get up every night cus of diarrhea and havent slept more than 3 hours most nights. Yday i proposed the idea with the 10 hour job and my mother reacted as if i was telling her a bad joke and said i should be ashamed for even suggesting such a thing. In her rage she said i should gtfo she doesnt care if it's social housing or a homeless shelter and that she didnt financially support me to become a work-shy leech. So in my panic i phoned a bunch of social services just in case so i would know my options. Today she came in tears to me and said she was just very concerned about my future. Yday I talked to my doctor and my therapist about the potentiality of getting kicked out and they asked if i could go somewhere to get away from this situation so i can recover a bit like i was supposed to during my sick leave, so i decided today to leave for my boyfriend's place who is still a student and also lives with his parents but in a different country (we are in EU so travelling is no problem). I have some money left from my teaching job that i could give them if they ask for it (i was paying my fam 250 € a month from the teacher pay), so i wouldnt be freeloading while i stay there. +I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for a few weeks now but have had very little success. I have been in therapy since november and been on sick leave since late february. I think if i had stayed i would have become suicidal as i was noticing myself starting to go numb and dissociate whenever i was being yelled at. After explaining my situation to my doctor she said she couldnt let me leave without asking if i have sucidial thoughts because in that case she would have recommended sending me to a clinic. + +Some questions are plagueing me now however... am i a coward? Am i doing the right thing? Am i a lazy leech like my parents call me or just too mentally ill to work a proper job for now? + +What do you guys think about my situation am i doing the right thing? What should i have done in your opinion? Kind of asking as a reality check",Anxiety +52928,"I feel physically sick whenever I open up to someone + +Whenever I open up and share my feelings my body feels physically sick and exhausted. Like it physically hurts. I feel so vulnerable like an open wound. I basically start shaking and feel nauseous whenever I do share myself. + + +I’m terrified of opening up, whenever I do I,ll just get shamed or ghosted. It feels like hell because it’s hard enough to put myself out there in the first place. + +It’s not even just deep stuff. Whenever I simply text someone I worry I’m bothering them and feel really embarrassed + +I’m afraid of getting close to new people because what if they end up changing their minds get bored and ghost me? I’m afraid of being forgotten about",Anxiety +52929,"Is this disassociation? For the past couple months now I’ve been having this weird feeling in my body like my mind and and my body are on a different course like my movements are almost robotic and my mind is losing control of my body. Ik people typically associate this with dissociation but I still feel in control and recognize and I’m mindful of the fact that I am the one controlling my movements but idk it’s hard to explain it just feels like a lack of connection between the two and at certain times it’s so bad I feel Im just going to lose control of my body completely. I’ve also been experiencing some feelings of being off balance, muscle tension, headaches, RLS, and brain fog and I’m starting to wonder if my fears really are anxiety or something worse. I saw a doctor and she told me it is probably stress related but I’m just having a hard time with all of this I’m seeing neurologist later this month but I just feel so restless and like I’m living in agony and losing my mind I wanted to see if anyone has gone through something similar and can offer any advice, Thanks.",Anxiety +52930,"Am I being too hard on myself? I'm putting myself through a university undergraduate degree as a mature student (25) and I just had my grades improve over the last two semesters. But this semester... +My father in law had emergency surgery in January. +I got approved for breast reduction surgery in February and had it done March 21st (this past Tuesday) and now I have to drop 1 course out of 3 because I'm failing it and can't keep up (it's an elective that's not in my field of study). +I think the stress of that course will jeprodize my recovery, but my stress isn't gone. Due to my Fs in that course, I'm second guessing myself. I have an interview this coming Tuesday to be a research assistant and have to submit a writing sample and I feel inadequate. Even though I get really high marks on my papers in my field. + +I feel like I'm not allowed to be proud of myself. To be optimistic or excited. I feel like I have to be hard on myself instead of encouraging. I sound delusional asking if I'm being too hard on myself because I know the answer... But I can't let myself believe it.",Anxiety +52931,"10 years of Celexa/Lexapro and thinking of making the switch to Zoloft I’ve noticed the frequency of stressful events leading to anxiety cycles and acute depression has been quite alarming and figured, maybe the meds have finally pooped out. + +I’m in therapy, I’m doing yoga, I’m keeping busy, I’ve got a loving partner; it’s just this lil demon in my head seems to be gaining more and more +experience points and has been gaining a foothold on my day to day. + +Thoughts or opinion of those who have been meds this long? + +Thanks!",Anxiety +52932,Does anyone else feel like their heart is being tickled and making you cough? I’m wondering if anyone else ever has this. Usually when I breathe out or push on it it starts to get tickly. More so when I think about it. I’ve gotten an EKG done a few days ago and it came back normal so I guess that helps ease my mind a little bit. I told the doctor I’ve been having chest pains and she told me it was costochondritis because it hurt when she pressed on my chest. I guess it would calm me down more if someone could relate.,Anxiety +52933,"New to this. Need coping skills Hello, I am new to this community, but I wanted some help. + +I’ll start with some context. I’ve always been a person that throws up and a lot of the time it was when I was nervous. This past year tho it has gotten much worse, with a time where I even went to the hospital because I hadn’t eaten in like 2 days and I felt so physically exhausted and dehydrated. At first I thought it was from weed and something called CHS, but quitting weed didn’t really make a difference. I also have delt with this vommiting in highschool before I would go to a party I would get so nervous I would puke. And that was before I ever touched weed. + +This led me to go to a gastro doctor who said he did not think it was weed related and instead some inflammation in intestines. I’ve been on meds for that for 3 months but it was getting better and I really started to take my anxiety seriously so I went to my doctor and they prescribed me an SSRI. I also will start therapy in a few weeks here. For the past month (after about 1.5 month on SSRI) I have been doing better. I hadn’t thrown up for a month, but these past 2 nights I have had very panic attack like feelings and tonight even pushed me to the point where I had to get up from being comforted by my girlfriend to throw up. And I always feel awful about it and like it’s going to just keep happening and I think I get stuck in that cycle. + +Does anyone have any tips/advice on dealing with this before my therapy appointment I thought I was doing so good but now I’m afraid I’m slipping back.",Anxiety +52934,Is anyone else scared that they are going to ban tiktok? It scares me that they're thinking of banning tiktok. Tiktok has been one of the only things that can calm down my anxiety and make me not stressed.,Anxiety +52935,"Scared to start Lexapro I have a crippling anxiety disorder and I’ve been prescribed Lexapro. I have GAD but I’ve noticed my anxiety has always been around my health, especially my heart. It’s gotten so bad that I barely leave the house and I’m afraid to exert myself which is depressing because I used to be a gym rat and exercising was what I used to do help cope with my anxiety but that’s not something I can do anymore, Atleast In my mind I can’t. This has really intensified over this past year after dealing with multiple panic attacks that have landed me in the ER and I’ve been getting a bunch of physical symptoms constantly that does not help with my worrying. I’ve had many tests done and the doctors are very reassured that I’m healthy. My Doc believes the Lexapro will help me but I can’t seem to find the courage to take it. I’m just so terrified of it, I’d really appreciate some encouragement to start my meds because I high key hate living like this .😭",Anxiety +52936,,Anxiety +52937,"A reminder that progress isn't linear and that's okay! I felt like my anxiety had gotten worse lately and that I had gone backwards. This made me feel extremely discouraged and a sense of doom, until I saw this quote. I wanted to share in hopes that it will help others too. Don't be so harsh on yourself, anxiety is a curse that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (if I had any lol) + +Take care x",Anxiety +52938,"Tips on how to accept my symptoms are just anxiety and start living again?? The last month has been such a struggle for me. I started having panic attacks where my heart rate would spike to 150-180. I went to my doctor in case it wasn’t anxiety and just had my Holter Monitor results come back. I had one of these attacks while on it and thankfully no dangerous rhythms were found. Just some high rates but not sustained so my doctor is unconcerned. So once again, this is all anxiety. + +My therapist thinks it’s because I started a new job last month and I’m falling back into my old health anxiety habits because “Stress compounds symptoms”. + +This has gotten so bad that the past week I haven’t even been able to leave my bed out of fear of my heart getting too high. Due to probably the fear when I cooked or did dishes my heart rate could get up to 130 then if I noticed and began to worry it went up to 160. + +Now that I know I’m fine I thought I’d be okay but I’m still constantly watching my smart watch to see how high my heart rate gets then panicking when I see it go above 120 from just walking around the house but when I’m calm it doesn’t go over like 110. This happened on the Holter and it was normal. I know this is just anxiety but I can’t stop obsessing that I have a heart issue that’ll kill me. + +I just need help to take the smart watch off and stop taking my blood pressure. It’s just making everything worse. Yesterday alone, according to my logs, I took my blood pressure 50 times. I was worried because my bp was low when standing yet my heart rate was high so I thought it was dangerous. It happened again this morning and my heart rate got to 165. This constant checking is driving me crazy and ruining my life. How do I stop this??",Anxiety +52939,"Any tips for dealing with white coat hypertension? Any time I get my bp taken it’s always high as I’m basically on the verge of a panic attack. + +I know it’s going to be high bc I get nervous that’ll be high and quite honestly I’m a fit guy with big arms so the cuff always gets uncomfortably tight, which makes me more nervous and turn I know that means we’ll have a convo about my high bp again …which is what I was dreading in the first place. + +So fellow anxiety suffers, do you have any tips to combat white coat BP?",Anxiety +52940,Panic attacks have returned - what to do? I’ve had anxiety for years but no panic attacks in yeaaaaaars. However panic attacks have returned in the last 8 weeks and they’re awful. I forgot how bad they are. I’ve been reading deep breathing and breath work doesn’t super help and I know that to be true - but what else do you do during one? Do you just focus on your breathing however it is? How do you calm down the panic attack? The physical symptoms are awful!,Anxiety +52941,"Health anxiety i've noticed that over the last year i've become super anxious when it comes mine and my loved ones health, i think it's because my husband had bells palsy early last year. + +Since then anything will trigger me!! literally anything. I was picking at a mole (didnt realize) and it started bleeding and got itchy and now I have this anxious feeling in my stomach even tho i know IM the one who picked at it. + +I feel like even though my brain is like yes u picked at, u probably dont have anything to worry about - that anxious feeling in my stomach is still there. + +Other times if i have a headache it goes to the worst outcome. I make doc appts every so often but I also don't want to be that person who shows up so frequently for nothing and waste my docs time. + +Im really starting to feel hopeless and like Im going to live with this anxious feeling forever. + +I guess.. any advice?",Anxiety +52942,"is it normal for an SSRI to make you feel like you're literally dying I was prescribed 50 mg Zoloft for anxiety and depression which I took for the first time last night. What followed was the most excruciatingly painful and unbearable 12 hours of my life. I threw up anything I ate, heart was pounding nonstop, my entire body was numb, and I couldn't sleep without being constantly woken up by stomach pain or nausea. Pretty much all the anxiety symptoms I normally get except all at once and multiplied 100x. At certain points I honestly felt like I was about to die or pass out. +I know people say that it gets worse before it gets better but nothing could have prepared me for this. I don't think I'm gonna take another dose until I can talk with my psychiatrist and be absolutely certain this won't happen again. Anyone else have a similar experience or am I just really fucking unlucky",Anxiety +52943,"I am feeling anxious about a new coworker. (TW: Past experience with a stalker briefly mentioned) I'm sorry, but this is a long one. It's a bit of a weird story but I'm hoping that someone might be able to give me advice on what to do. Just over a month ago, I (female, cashier) got a new coworker (male, bagger) at the grocery store I work at. It took a while before we had a conversation together; he was helping me and asked me what kind of music I like. I was honest, and said that I like most genres and that I sometimes enjoyed listening to 20s and 30s jazz music. Then he just kept talking about old music at me for the next few days and seemed to always be distracted when it came to work. I don't like to talk much while I'm working because I feel like I mess up more when I do. So I began to feel anxious about being around him since I didn't know how to tell him I didn't want the conversation to continue every time we saw each other. + +Then, a few days ago, he randomly asked me for my number in front of a bunch of customers while we were supposed to be working. I had a bad experience the last time I gave my number out to someone (the guy turned out to be a stalker who harassed me for weeks and told everyone that we were in a relationship when we weren't, wouldn't stop calling me, tried to turn me against my family, etc.) and I immediately felt freaked out about why this guy would want my number when we don't know each other at all. It felt really inappropriate and unprofessional to me. I told him that we were busy and shouldn't be having that conversation right then (mainly because I didn't know how to say no in the moment) and that we could talk when we were done helping customers. But he continued to ask me repeatedly for throughout the next hour or so. He ended up writing his number down at some point and gave it to me, telling me when he was off that day and to immediately text him my number when he was off (this is while I was talking to a customer). Once we were done with all of the customers, I told him the truth: that I didn't want to give him my number and how I had had bad experiences in the past that started with giving my number to a guy I barely knew. He seemed to understand and then avoided me the rest of the day. So I thought everything was going to be fine. + +However, the next day, I started noticing that he seemed to be getting more clingy with me. He wouldn't be focused on doing his job and would stick around me as much as possible. He has a habit of sticking to my register instead of helping other cashiers like he's supposed to; he also seems to get bothered if another bagger is helping me and he tries to take over bagging for me immediately. I often notice him watching me from across the room. Every conversation we have is awkward. I don't initiate them because I want him to leave me alone so I can work. When he's not talking to me, it seems like he isn't really talking to our other coworkers that much. + +But then, the other day, I had a bit of a scary experience. I was going on break and went to our break room. He was in there and had headphones in, so I didn't think he saw me. After a few minutes, I went to the bathroom across the hall. When I came out a few minutes later, the room was empty. I suddenly hear loud footsteps running down the hall and he barges into the room, half-yelling my name just to show me a song from the 1800s for some reason. I'm worried that he might have been waiting outside the bathroom for me, which makes me kind of scared to be at work right now. I don't like being alone with him. Today, I spent the majority of my breaks hiding in the bathroom, worried he might bother me if I went anywhere else. + +I know that the anxiety I feel isn't healthy, and I can't tell if I'm just paranoid from past experience or if there really could be a real issue here. I don't know if I should talk to him, a manager, or HR about this. I thought that maybe I should just say nothing and act less nice to him and see if he leaves me alone, but I'm worried that it could just make things worse. I could really use some advice if anyone has some. Because I really can't tell if he's just trying to be friendly and doesn't realize he's making me uncomfortable or if there is something potentially more creepy going on.",Anxiety +52944,"I am having a extremely large amounts of anxiety for a person. I (17F) am in my senior year of high school. I’ve sort of always been anxious, especially about people. Any time ANYTHING happens to someone I care about, even a little bit, I get such bad anxiety that I am often unable to focus on other things. + +So, as I said, in high school. When I first started high school, life was a mess. What’s important to know is that I had just made a massive transition and had come out of the closet. Not a lot of support from family, but that’s okay. + +In my particular HS, we have a home room class, and you have that teacher for home room for all 4 years. When I met my home room teacher, she was incredibly kind. For all 4 years, she continued to be this way. She made cards for everyone birthday, talked to me when I was rejected romantically for the first time, and always listened. We talked to each other while getting ready for the day nearly every day for the last two years. + +This week, she’s been absent. Very strange. Then, on Wednesday, she says in a slide prepared for the sub that she’s out on medical leave for the next few weeks. It wasn’t planned, you could tell from the way she talked in the slides of the previous days. + +I find out that she’s in the hospital, but fine. INSTANTLY, I’m full of anxiety, feeling like my soul was removed from my body. I’m just worried, like, a lot. I KNOW she’s fine, as far as everyone knows. I also led an effort for a “Get Well Soon” card, being given to her by another teacher she’s friends with. I don’t really know how to just patiently wait for the 3-4 weeks until she gets back. + +I’d also like to say that I KNOW she’s fine. My brain does not seem to feel the same way, especially when I’m not actively doing something distracting. + +TL;DR my teacher is sick and in the hospital and I have a strangely large amount of anxiety, even though everyone says she’s fine.",Anxiety +52945,"Anxiety Causing Excessive Urination Hello everyone, i was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder at age 7. Im able to manage most of the symptoms with natural remedies except one which is excessive urination. SSRIs & Anxiety Meds do not help if anything they make it worse. Im now 27 and still suffering from the symptom. I have no physical illnesses and have seem numerous doctors and specalist and theyve said that everything is normal. It has recently started interferring with work and im now at risk of being fired from my job because they can not accommodate, even though i have a doctors note, they said the excessive restroom trips are causing business interruptions. I cant go to amusement parks, concerts, long road trips or hiking/walking trails because ill have the sensation of needing to go pee. Most of the time when i do go nothing really comes out...Does anyone else suffer from this or has suffered from it or have any solutions??",Anxiety +52946,"I am sad that a teenager blocked me from viewing his story. I (23F) have a pretty okay relationship with my boyfriend's (24M) family. His mom is a devote Christian and her and I are pretty close and his brother (let's call him Jake) and I are okay as well. + +&#x200B; + +I follow the little brother who is 16 on Instagram and we occasionally interact (liking stories, pics,etc). Yesterday I remembered that my friends and I created a 'burner' account 3 years ago that we used to look and follow people we didn't know (crazy I know). + +&#x200B; + +Anyways, I noticed that Jake was following this burner. I looked at his profile as saw a bunch of stuff posted that I have never seen before. It was typical teenage boy stuff like rap music, middle fingers in pictures, etc. but nothing that I haven't seen before. I realized that I was blocked from viewing these stories and unblocked whenever he posted other stuff. I instantly started to feel sick and uneasy at the thought him blocking and unblocking me each time. I even felt a little teary. I thought, does he think I am uncool? Old? Did he think I was going to tell his mom? I also post things with cursing etc. so I really felt confused. I know in reality it is really not that deep because I too have older adults in my life 'blocked' from viewing my story but the feeling I felt was uncontrollable. + +I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have felt similar to this in other occasions and another user asked if I had rejection sensitive dysphoria. I am not sure if I do. + +&#x200B; + +TLDR: Boyfriend's little brother blocked me from viewing his story and I instantly started to feel uneasy.",Anxiety +52947,"having a really bad anxiety night too anxious to sleep, but i’m exhausted from not getting enough sleep last night. just feeling really helpless right now. + +if anyone is reading this and going through a similar thing, i hear you. you’re not alone. just gotta tough out the rough patches, this too shall pass.",Anxiety +52948,"College Student w/ Anxiety: Dating Life I first developed severe anxiety and panic disorder in my senior year of high school. I can proudly say that with perseverance, proper medication, and the help of my lovely therapist, family, and friends, I was able to complete my senior year and begin college in the fall. I’ve taken a liking to this guy in my class, and we will hang out this weekend. I am very inexperienced in the dating world as I’ve only really gone out with three guys ever… none of which lasted more than a few months. Though I had not been diagnosed with anxiety in my sophomore year of high school, I began dating this guy whom I was pretty infatuated with. However, the first time he put his arm around me, I shook uncontrollably. I misread that as a sign that he wasn’t suitable for me when it was just anxiety. Fast forward to now, I am anxious about seeing this guy this weekend, and I am scared that these feelings of fear won’t go away even if we continue to see each other. Has anyone else been through this? What should I do? I don’t want to be limited from dating but l my body is giving me unclear signals of what to do.",Anxiety +52949,dae get chills? like just randomly? all over their body or on one part/side,Anxiety +52950,"Oh anxiety, you are weird sometimes. 6 to 7 years ago I was diagnosed with GAD/PTSD. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with adhd. I have managed it all this time with no medicine, and I have been fine with for the most part. The only time my anxiety would rise a little bit is when it was triggered by stress. Which then I knew I just had to balance it out again. + +Well, this month ended up with heighten anxiety due to an allergic reaction being around seafood, one week later got a tooth pulled, 2 days later I was fussed at by an ER doctor, and then one week later after that I had anxiety reflux kick back so hard that it cause two days of back to back panic attacks. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn’t eat anything but rice and chicken, no meds, and being around doctors frighten me. I couldn’t manage to get myself out of that anxiety loop. + +Well I was finally about to get some hydroxyzine for “as needed dosage” 3 weeks later. My anxiety was down back to a manageable level but my fears were still there. I took one 25 mg pill in the evening. I got an euphoria feeling and drowsiness the whole next day along with diarrhea. Then all my anxiety was gone. I can eat food again without fear. I’m not scared to take meds again. + +This is the weirdest Anxiety is the moment I have ever dealt with. However, I’m now pondering if with my anxiety reflux being kicked up it had my stomach and brain a relay lap so when I took the hydroxyzine it suppressed that nerve in my stomach and it help my stomach feel better and then which stop the relay cycle. I guess that is something I will have to remember to ask my doctor.",Anxiety +52951,"Health anxiety / Zoloft side effects? I went off anxiety medication 8 months ago. Cut it cold turkey by accident (I was never told otherwise). Thankfully had no withdrawals or anything. I have severe, severe, severe health anxiety and I was doing really good up until a few months ago it started to get bad again- but I was managing. However, the past 2 weeks have been really really hard with my health anxiety and I knew I needed to finally get back on and I’m so happy to be back on. I had some stomach issues and I’m freaking out. I had blood in my stools and bad pains in my pelvis. I also for the past 2 months have had a dull ache in my upper left abdomen. Had some blood and stool tests and all was good. Today is day 2 is taking my medication (Zoloft) and I have a weird, nauseating feeling in my throat/chest. It feels exactly like when you get super giddy and your chest/throat squeals with excitement. But I don’t feel excited- I feel so anxious. It’s almost like I have to gag or dry heave. Can the Zoloft be causing this? I had no side effects last time I was on it so it’s weird. My anxiety is going crazy because I’m afraid it has to do with my other symptoms.",Anxiety +52952,"Anxiety sucks help I was eating a honey bun and while chewing felt something of a different consistency, like wadded paper. Well it was a sorta brownish color square less than an inch tall. it was wadded up and now my anxiety is having a field day. it has been about 30 minutes or so...I am just scared",Anxiety +52953,"Mood tracking apps I've got therapy starting up soon and I have bad mood swings but I forget them a lot too and I need to track them. + +Does anybody know good app that lets you put more then one mood in a day?",Anxiety +52954,"Actually you're a total badass Most people are mentally and emotionally sane, relatively at least. They might claim that the worry is all in your head, not understanding that your corporeal experience strongly suggests otherwise. They might tell you to think positive, because they don't have an inner voice that constantly gets drowned out by a huge stadium packed with negative objectors. They might take it rather personally when socializing is the very least thing you want to do, they could never imagine that them yapping on about their normal life drains your already depleted life-energy. Some of them might start all kinds of shit with you because they see you as a weak and opportune victim to unload their own shit towards, never realizing they're the real cowards. + +Some of them might truly want to help you out and tell you get therapy asap, then you might see some random bureaucrat person completely devoid of empathy struggling to stay awake while you pour you heart of desperately looking for some kind of assistance. Assistance that usually comes in form of dubious drugs that only work at a hefty price by the way So they advice you to go see some private expensive experts, unaware of the fact that your wallets suffers with you. They like to imply that you just chill the f out and relax. Because they don't have that intrusive, horrible, horrible, horrible, encompassing, joy-devouring, soul-obliterating, sucking, painful, torturous, uneasy pit of dread stuck right in their stomach with racing thoughts to boot. Perhaps they'll make sly remarks on how you need to just grow up, after all, they don't know how's it's like to think like an adult while emotionally reacting like a little fragile child scared to death. + +They might say go the gym or be physically active and get some endorphins running. To be fair, is actually solid advice if you can muster the strength to go there. Off course they have their problems too, the difference however is that your problem is you and how that you contaminate every aspect of your life. The point is, according to some of 'them' you're just a loser, useless, lazy, afraid, a waste of space, a failure with nothing to show for in life. They are so much better than you and intentionally or not they make you buy their version of you. + +However. It's just opinions from judgemental people at the end of the day. I don't want to you to waste any energy on harboring any resentment, envy or anger towards anybody, they just don't understand. How could they know the truth. Perhaps even you don't the truth about yourself, so I'm going to say it, just in case. + +You simply being here and keeping on makes you a tough as nails. A warrior that fights hordes of demons every day. Bravery is defined by the will to face fear, you have fear stuffed in your face all the time. You may suffer endless anxiety, but you as a matter of fact are courageous by the definition of the word. Doing your best to just keep going, that's it. It's not some lofty motivational speech, just a cold fact. + +It may not help you any bit to read this, but I for one will not let it be unsaid. Anxiety is bad enough in itself, so rather than feeling shame in addition you have earned the right to have pride in yourself. My intention is for you to keep that in mind on your darkest days, because I know very well what it's like to suffer anxiety while having your character measured by factors out of your control.",Anxiety +52955,"I think I‘m gonna pass out from anxiety I am absolutely spiraling about some things that happened today and I am very anxious about some things that‘ll happen in the next months. +Today my anxiety has reached its new peak. +I am extremely nauseous, lightheaded and it feels like there‘s a thousand butterflies in my chest. +It feels like I‘m about to pass out from anxiety and I don‘t know how to calm myself down. I‘ve tried to distract myself, but it doesn‘t work. +What can I do??",Anxiety +52956,"Is it anxiety and over thinking? Or is it intuition? How to know the difference? My partner has lied to me in the past and now anything that is remotely close to that topic makes me think he’s lying. And then I spiral and think I have to check his phone, then I think he deleted messages, then I need to check his Apple Watch, and then I think he may have used another form of contact and I start to feel like maybe I’m being illogical and crossing the line. In the moment, I feel like nothing can give me relief except for finding solid “proof.” + +I’m not proud of this behavior. I recently started therapy for my overall anxiety. Unfortunately it is hard to afford to have sessions often enough. + +Context: +He lied 1.5 years ago about something relating to a female coworker it was not infidelity. After lying, he was able to “prove” he was telling the truth. I feel 99% confident about it. Since then, he lied about about small things like not playing video games while on the phone. Idk I don’t want to damage my relationship with this but I also don’t want to be lied to again and turn a blind eye. + + +So how can I know if I am acting because of anxiety and overthinking opposed to following intuition and following my gut. My intuition is how I caught his initial lie.",Anxiety +52957,"Blood pressure/Heartrate First time posting here. For context, I suffer with anxiety (obviously), and also have bipolar and OCD parents. I find myself constantly obsessing over high blood pressure and high BPM. I'm a heavy set guy. I'm trying to be healthier, but I have a long way to go on that. Sometimes, hours of my day are spent stressing over whether my heart rate is too high, and when I do so, I find it usually makes it go higher. + +I hate going to the doctor because of it because I know my BP will be high, and I don't want to know how high. Today, I had to go to the doctor and ofc it was high, but I was also having a panic attack while they were checking it because of the nerves I have around the whole thing and already had to walk 3 miles just to get there. I wasn't even there over my blood pressure. Anyway, after the visit I was sobbing and hyperventilating the whole way home. I just don't know what to do. Obviously, I have to get it under control, but in the meantime I need to find some way not to obsess over it because it keeps triggering panic attacks.",Anxiety +52958,"Life I just wanna rant ab this cuz im embarrassed saying it irl because we all struggle and its not something special. i just hate how lifes going and might go. im find im just in college, i have a fine family situation and everything but man im just tired working, doing homework and whatnot. the fact that i have to keep working hard in both of these categories to succeed in the future makes me very anxious and i hate it. imma keep going tho i just hate it.",Anxiety +52959,"Derealization during good times? Does anyone else experience derealization during the good times? For example, Christmas, birthday parties, concerts. Like I tell myself “you need to soak this in” and then it feels like it barely even happened. Is this normal?",Anxiety +52960,"Do any of you feel restless about living even the simplest way? I’m anxious and worried all the time and I just can’t live like this Hello everyone, new to this community. Just wanted to know if how I feel is felt by someone else around the world. I’m just…tired. And not because of the spring air and everything. This last few months I’ve experienced record anxiety levels and they kind of stopped but it’s a loop, when I least expect it they come back. And for the silliest things too. I can’t enjoy any day anymore because of how bad the situation got. +I’m currently in therapy, I journal, I practice sport and meditate, I try to distract myself but anything seems to work. I’ve tried all the methods, I’ve read thousands of articles. I feel restless and it’s a feeling I’ve been carrying with me for quite a while now. My mind constantly works, elaborates stuffs even when it should shut down. +I used to dream a lot a few months ago, and now all I do is go to bed trying to empty my head before it hits the pillow. +Am I close to a burnout? +I can’t focus on studying because my mind is elsewhere. I just don’t know what to do anymore since I’ve tried everything I could. Do you have any suggestions or pieces of advice? Any techniques to calm the mind down that actually work? Thank you❤️.",Anxiety +52961,"Not sure how to not worry about potential internship I got a phone screening interview with a really big non profit, which I wasn't expecting. I did the call yesterday, and at the time I thought it went okay. They said they'd get back to me by end of day today or early Monday. It's 10pm EST now which is well over the end of the day, and I'm sure I didn't get it. + +I just keep thinking of everything that I did wrong. This internship could literally set me up well after graduation if I get it. I didn't even think I'd get a phone screen interview. But now I'm thinking if I did badly and I wasn't worth bringing into the next round.",Anxiety +52962,"Story About the time my teacher made me stand up to show my red face to show the class when I was emmbaressed So it was my biology class and it was one of those classes where I had none of freinds in and was extremely uncomfortable every lesson because alot of the time we were made to answer questions infront of the class or have to find partners and obviously me being awkward and with social anxiety I never j never had a partner. + +And because of this I always would get a red face from embarrasment and I guess she took notice because the time we we learning about why the face goes red she decided to ask me a question about it knowing my face would go red and once it did she said ""oh look it's happening now"" which obviously made it 10x worse and she littarly made me stand up and face the class it was one of the worst days of my school life. + +In her defence she was older and I doubt she evain knew how painful that was for me to do that but yeah just a random story I doubt anyone read this far lol.",Anxiety +52963,"Thumb twitching? Not sure if this is anxiety but it’s been doing this for a while + +https://streamable.com/q34ads",Anxiety +52964,"Why can't I believe what the doctors tell me? I (26 M) am super frustrated with myself, today I had a cardiologist appointment bc I have palpitations sometimes and my heart races randomly when I have acid reflux. The cardiologist did some blood pressure/pulse checks to rule out POTS and said I was fine on that front. The EKG came back great and he said my heart was in excellent shape. I even asked him to order a take home monitor for me just for some peace of mind and he was ok with that. I had an echocardiogram done about 1 year ago with a different cardiologist and everything came back great. Now as I get home from the doctor my anxious brain gets to plotting and is now worrying that ""He didn't order you another echocardiogram what if he's missing something"". My rational brain believes and trusts this doctor very much, but the anxiety part of my brain just wants to create more worry for any reason it can find. Can anyone give me some advice or insight? Is there even any Medical reason I would need a second echocardiogram 1 year later? I assume it detects defects that have been there probably from birth so a second one is probably pointless but it's hard to tell my anxious brain that. I Just want to believe the doctors when they give me positive news and believe that I'm fine. + +Edit: I should note I am very aware that I have health anxiety and I am currently in therapy for it already, It still bugs me though.",Anxiety +52965,I had anxiety over filling out my SSI and SSDI forms and they denied me because I never sent them in I don’t even know why I had so much trouble filling out the forms. I know that I have enough documentation and support to at least get an interview and talk to SSA but I couldn’t do it. They called me and sent me reminder letters and I even had a hard time opening those letters. I only have myself to blame for getting denied.,Anxiety +52966,Free counseling and support for anyone struggling with dependency issues Free counseling and support for anyone struggling with dependency issues in Los Angeles California,Anxiety +52967,"Benzos don’t work for me anymore?? I definitely haven’t built a tolerance, at most I used to take 0.5 once a week. I had a manic episode and was hospitalized, after I was released I tried to take rivotril to calm down and it did absolutely nothing. + +Could the mania have permanently altered my brain chemistry? I’m also a LOT more sensitive to caffeine now. I was always sensitive to caffeine but it’s gotten a lot worse, I can’t even have a Pepsi, which has a negligible amount of caffeine",Anxiety +52968,"Is this truly anxiety and depression? I’ve been really struggling for 3+ years now. My symptoms are down mood, EXTREME exhaustion no matter how +much I sleep, feelings of being on edge, feeling spaced out 24/7 like my mind is slow and foggy, feeling disconnected from myself and those around me, a bit dizzy or lightheaded, feeling no motivation and like everything feels hard, feeling as though I could loose my mind at any second and just general groggy and confused feeling even though I never do actually loose touch with reality. + +I have had blood work, brain MRI, every thing is normal! But truly I feel so strange and run down and frustrated every single day. + +Please, has anyone had these symptoms? Can they truly all be caused by poor mental health? And can they someday go away?? I am losing hope.",Anxiety +52969,"SAME TIME ANXIETY I’ve been dealing with some health issues that have left me with no answers so my anxiety has been THROUGH the roof - I’ve been dizzy and exhausted from my anxiety. + +But I’ve noticed my anxiety starts 5am waking me up from my sleep with a knot in my stomach, my heart beating out of my chest and an impending doom feeling…then I lay in bed deep breathing. Once I get out of bed I feel better. My anxiety is still there and then peeks from 12-3pm. Then around 5pm I am like a whole new person…no worries..enjoying my hobbies..eating as if I have no worries anymore. But then the whole process starts again the next day!! + +Anyone else?! How to stop this horrible cycle",Anxiety +52970,"stress ate and now i feel really poorly. anyone have tips on soothing the aches and nausea? **Just in case anyone needs a TW, there is talk of medication** + +**and in advance i'm sorry for any spelling errors** + +&#x200B; + +wasnt feeling well at all and started stress eating. i tried my stratergies that i do with my psychologist but today was just one of those days if you get what i mean. + +i've eaten too much, but a majority of what i've eaten is sugar which also gives me headaches when i eat a lot of it (also in case this is needed information; i dont get sugar high). + +idk if i can take nurofen or panadol (Panadol is a paracetamol i think, and i think nurofe contains ibprofen) for the headache because i'm on ritalin (methylphenidate) and Movox (Fluvoxamine, i think its called something else in america though and most people on reddit seem to be from the US) and idk if some pain killers are compatable with ritalin or movox. + +im also on a birth control to manage my periods (its called ""Evalyn"", i think im spelling it right, idk the science medication name off the top of my head though) but i know i can take pain killers with my BC. however it does cause mild indigestion. i though it'd be good to include this because the intestines and stomach are connected lol. + +the queasy feeling is really bothering me and i feel sickly. does anyone have any tips on what i can do to ease it? ive drank lots of water (both for the stomach ache/ queasiness and for the headache) and have my big water bottle next to me in case i need more, but it hasnt helped. just looking at anything food related is making me feel like im gonna throw up too. i've thought of sleeping it off but i struggle to nap during the day and i've already slept in a ton this morning so my body doesnt feel sleepy at all, i've tried putting ASMR on too but that isnt making me sleepy. + +would really appreciate if anyone knows how to help this. i might try looking more into wether i can safely take some pain killers or not (using reliable sources so that i can make sure i'll be safe) + +i'm also gonna ask on a medical related subreddit if i can take ritalin and movox with pain killers at the same time because it's really hard to find information online on my own. + +thank you to anyone who reads this and thank you to anyone who can help, means a lot to me",Anxiety +52971,"Anxiety and Weed Hi, looking for a bit of advice and experiences from r/anxiety here. + +Around Christmas I started to develop some kind of anxiety disorder and had a lot of panic attacks. For most of my life I've always been a little anxious and tended to overthink, but these symptoms were just much worse. Up to this point I've also been smoking weed, but not excessively, mostly once a week. After developing said disorder, weed now increases my symptoms, despite it never doing something like this before and it mostly calming me down. Even when I had a greenout, I mainly suffered physical symptoms. + +In response to my symptoms I started with autogenic training, a lot of introspection about my fears and stopped smoking for about a month. With this I got the worst of it under control. Since then I've been smoking a few times with mixed results, sometimes I get more anxious and panicky, but on other occasions it also felt like a normal high. + +Right now I still have some lingering symptoms that can be better or worse, depending on the day, so I'll definitely quit weed until I can resolve this. My question now is, if any of you here have suffered something similar and were you eventually able to smoke without getting anxious again? I'll be honest, I quit enjoyed being high, so that would be quite the bummer, but certainly not the end of the world. + +Thanks in advance!",Anxiety +52972,"Need Help. New here I have exams fast approaching everything was fine until one day my heart started to beat faster and rapidly and after that for the past 5 days everytime i try to sleep it races so fastly that i gasp for air. +Took an ECG it was normal. +I don't know what to do,feel like i might die in my sleep.",Anxiety +52973,"Referral Guidance Hi! +I am 19f and finally submitted to my local area's Wellbeing Service in the UK. I'm not diagnosed with anxiety (yet) but I'm finally taking the steps I need to in order to improve my quality of life. I guess I'm just looking for how it works and whether it takes as long as ADHD referral (I'm going to psychiatry UK for that, got referred in November and waiting for an appointment)? Any advice would be greatly appreciated 💜",Anxiety +52974,Face tingling/pressure? Anyone who has had this every day for like a month or more? I just started Prozac to deal with anxiety but I’m concerned.,Anxiety +52975,"Anticipatory anxiety ruined my chance at a vacation. I'm so tired of trying to fly and failing. 28M. + +I've had a lifelong fear of flying that feel well-prepared to take head-on, especially the fear I've had around taxiing and takeoff. I've flown before, but it's gotten harder to get through the process without running out of the airport dizzy, panicked and overwhelmed by guilt in the past few years. + +Specifically, I took a program called SOAR designed to help fearful flyers manage their fight/flight responses around takeoff and aviophobia, or *fears when the plane is in the air.* I felt confident in the last few weeks that I could do this. + +But as I lay on my side writing this, I realize I was completely unprepared for the anticipatory anxiety ahead of the flight. + +I woke up at 4 am this morning in a cold sweat. My extremities were numb. I couldn't get a 10-minute patch of sleep in without my stomach seemingly twisting into knots. The last 17 hours has been a waking nightmare of existing in a moderate to strong panic attack state. My appetite is nonexistent. I'm barely able to drink water. Every nerve in my body is screaming at me to tell my friends that I can't go on the spring break trip we planned. + +It's crazy, I'm a grad student and I have never felt as tired as I do now just spending this day holding myself back from tears and a full breakdown. + +I'm so tired that a beach doesn't sound nice right now. I just want to curl up in my bedroom with no direct sunlight, to sleep, to cry, to indulge in self-hatred for having a response this extreme to something so commonplace in life for a lot of people. A vacation is the one thing I need right now, but trying to take one via flying has destroyed me. I'm lucky that I had nothing to do today, because it was not going to get done. + +I don't know if this thread is a message in a bottle, but it helps to get it out. If anyone has been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear it. + +I still want to fly, deaparately. It's one of the big things keeping me from living my life on my terms. But having to spend almost 48 hours in utter hell is not worth it.",Anxiety +52976,"My mom doesn’t care anymore I (24M) have been dealing with anxiety and treatment resistant depression for the past few years or so. It’s gotten very bad and my mental health has deteriorated as the days go on. I’ve started struggling with really bad brain fog and confusion and it’s really freaked me out lately. I’ve been unable to work since mid last year and still live with my brother and mom. My dad moved about 30 mins away a year and a half ago after my parents got divorced but they stayed friends. + +The past few months have been hell, dealing with the brain fog on top of the other issues, and not being able to find a doctor to take me seriously. I’m surely at a loss. My mom has began dating again and is legitimately obsessed with online dating. Buying every membership to every site imaginable, talking to a different guy every night and most nights she’s going out. Now this probably wouldn’t bother me but when I have so much going on, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. + +I was always extremely close to my mom, she has always been there for me but lately she really doesn’t even seem to care. Her only worry is that “I’m afraid you’re going to hurt yourself” but she doesn’t want to do anything to help me. She told me this morning that she wants me to go stay with my dad and I’m so hurt. I’ve lived here for 24 years and I just want to feel clear headed again. Idk what to do and I feel like my parents hate me. I honestly feel like I have nobody. + +I do go out with friends a lot of nights or just hangout to get out of the house, I workout so it’s not like I’m just sitting at home waiting for her. But you can’t even have a conversation with her without her staring at her phone. I’ve honestly never seen anything like it and I can’t imagine losing my parents emotionally. I’m at a loss.",Anxiety +52977,"Fear of future and spouses death Reacently the realisation, that our lifes are finite hitted me really hard. All day I can only think that probably some day I will become a widow (just statistics) and its ruining my life. I cannot enjoy my current life because of this. I love my husband insanely and the thought of losing him some day, even if its many years afar seems devastating. I cannot imagine my life without him. I dont know what to do anymore. I can only pray that I die first.",Anxiety +52978,"Politics has made me anxious again, I just want something to finally go right. Hello. + +So my country is going to have an election in the fall. Politics used to stress me out much more in the past; I've since then cut a lot of the sites that were stressing me out and most days, I feel pretty good and don't really worry about it that much. My country has been ruled by religious extremists who are incredibly bigoted for eight years now- I'm so tired of their constant discriminatory comments, blatant disregard for any sort of decency and integrity and they overall just make me so tired and anxious and sad. They've started to rule when I was a teen, and I'm a young adult and they're still at the helm. It seems like they will win this year again, and another, even more extreme religious conservatist party has a chance at becoming the third biggest power. + +I fell into a mental hole and I can't get out of it. I know that the elections will be in the fall and it's early spring, but I just feel so depressed and powerless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that it will always just be horrible. I know that it's my brain making a bigger deal out of it than it should, but I'm just so tired of it all- can at least one thing go how I want politically? + +How do you deal with feelings like these?",Anxiety +52979,"worst panic attack ever My cat just got put to sleep. My anxiety is through the roof, I feel like crying, but every time I start to cry I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. My anxiety is extremely physical, I just felt like I had a literal heart attack. My chest felt extremely funny, it hurt, my heart started to race, I got really dizzy and my legs and hands went numb and tingly. I don’t know what to do, I have had panic disorder for a year now, but this has to be the worst panic attack to date. +Please help me",Anxiety +52980,"Are my anti-depressants not working? I’ve (22F) have been on anti-depressants since I was 14, but I’ve never felt 100% better. I switched from Zoloft to Celexa about 2 years ago, and I’m currently taking the max dose of Celexa, but I still get pretty bad bouts of depression and anxiety at least a couple of times per week. I’m in therapy so I know of a variety of coping measures that I can take, such as exercise, journaling, spending time with friends/family, and breathing techniques, but none of those things seem to work. I don’t have any major problems or stressors in my life either, I’m just depressed for no reason 2-5 days per week. + +Does this mean that my anti-depressants aren’t working, or do I just kinda need to suck it up? I’m scared to try new anti-depressants bc of the withdrawals and potential worsening of my depression, so I’m not sure what the best thing for me is to do.",Anxiety +52981,"Anxious about whether my dog bit the postman or not lol I'm scared my dog bit my postman when I'm not at home. My granny had dementia and by the looks of it opened the door for postman. Usually she slightly opens the door to not let the dog out but I'm scared she let him out. + +My dog has never bit another person before and only barks at them. One time my uber came through the back and he only barked his head off him hut the uncertainty is killing me. As far as I know Australia doesn't kill dogs off first attempts but I'm still scared.",Anxiety +52982,"Quitting Zoloft first day. I’m spiraling, what do I do? I need help. Please I need so much help. I took it at 9:30 pm last night. The first hour I felt amazing, then i went to sleep. I woke up and I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. Everything was moving in slow motion. I had so much anxiety that it felt like my chest was burning. I couldn’t feel my own heartbeat. I was able to go back to sleep but I feel the same thing now, it’s been 22.5 hours later. My head feels like it wants to explode. I’m dizzy and off balance. Cant stop shaking. I want to vomit my brains out. So much anxiety it hurt so bad. + +I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow. they told me not to take the second dose. 50mg. I’ve never been on any medicine before. My body hates it. I just want this to stop please. + +My question is how long will it be until I stop feeling this way? I want this feeling gone. My head is so heavy. What do I do?",Anxiety +52983,"I can’t even vent to my friends and family anymore because they’ll definitely think I’m crazy :( I have terrible anxiety from exams. Especially after the exam is over, I make scenarios in my head like I’m going to fail or get accused of cheating by the monitor because they told me to stop talking twice. This time, I forgot to write down the time I came back from the bathroom (they have this paper we have to write when we left and came back from the room). Usually they write the time after we give ID but this time for some reason we had to do it all. I did write down the time I got out but I didn’t write down the time I came back (left twice and yup forgot twice). Usually we don’t have to do this so that’s why I forgot. I’m worried this might get me in trouble because there’s no way they can know the time I actually came back to the exam room… ugh I know it’s dumb but dammit if they notice this it might actually get me in trouble 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️",Anxiety +52984,"Just one of those days… I’m having anxiety at work, i hate feeling this way. I took these gummies (OLLY brand) to help my anxiety, I shouldn’t have skipped them yesterday and decided to take them today. I also had a little bit of coffee to wake me up some which was not the best idea. My boss is making me do cakes which I hate being the cake decorator. I have expressed this 100 times but nothing. I have a lot to do. It’s just not a good day. I guess the only good thing is, I have stuff waiting for me at home (retail therapy ✨) I hate days like this.",Anxiety +52985,"Feeling so overwhelmed. can’t cope. Work is causing me so much stress at the moment. I wake up I cry and shake. I get to to work I have a meltdown. I sit at work and my brain is going into overdrive listening in to every conversation wondering if my name is involved or what not. I can’t relax. I get home and I cry cause I’m so exhausted as my body is constantly shaking or fidgeting or overthinking etc. I’m hardly eating cause I’m just not hungry. I’m hardly sleeping cause my brain is overthinking… + +Today is the first day I have not gone in to work but I feel worse cause I’m now thinking about what’s happening there while I’m not there. + +How do you get out of a rut like this? I’m 22 and I’ve just moved into a house with my bf so money is a big thing at the moment and I can’t just hand my notice in or better yet leave…. I just feel so stuck and I can’t get out. I have an appointment with my doctors on Tuesday but idk if I can make it to Tuesday :(",Anxiety +52986,"Long Guided Breathing videos Does anyone have any recommend for guided breathing videos on YouTube that are long, 30mins+, that you can listen to through headphones when in a situation where you anxiety is elevated to help control your breathing? I hyperventilate, and one on calm app are too short for me",Anxiety +52987,"I had an anxiety attack during an action scene in the new John Wick movie today... I decided to see the new John Wick movie late after work today so decided having two energy drinks full of caffeine to keep me up and then a follow up beer during the movie would be a great idea... + +During the first action scene each gunshot made my heart rate go faster and faster gave me huge amount of adrenaline that just wouldn't settle, I must have watched the whole thing with my heart racing at 100bpm, immediate acid reflux, sweating, feeling trapped in the cinema gripping my chair for 3 hours. + +I'm currently at home in the tub trying to calm down, the movie was awesome though! 10/10 would recommend!",Anxiety +52988,Buspirone for GAD panic disorder Hi! How effective has buspirone been for those of you who suffer from panic disorder or generalized anxiety? I’m hoping to take it on its own starting next week.,Anxiety +52989,"Is it Anxiety/Burnout and why do my neck/back/chest pains haven't stopped ever since august 2022 Disclaimer, the post is slightly copy paste from this thread but I want to share this on many threads in order to get some help. + + +I'm M 33years old: + +[What's really interesting is, every single described on this thread are almost identical to the ones I I have right now, so if you can please check them out so you understand what I am going trough.](https://www.reddit.com/r/costochondritis/comments/jrihv6/chest_pain_for_months_no_answers/?xpromo_edp=enabled) + + +The only logical explanation I've found myself is, that it might be severe Anxiety or Burnout I've experienced which makes my muscles being tense up all the time without me even realising it and get inflamed by the constant stress. + +As well some people, from what I've googled, claim that it might be side effect after a COVID infection (around June 2022), but oddly enough my wife is totally fine despite both of us having similar symptoms while we were sick (I got headaches and my throat hurt, her throat hurt and she was tired, both of us were 3x vaccinated). The only reason why I rule it out, is because these pains did start 2 days after my bed broke down while I was lying on it (August 2022) and we changed the bed mattress afterwards around october 2022 but we've slept on the couch (that can be transformed into a bed) which is literally a wooden plank with the old mattress on top of it that was way overdue (had a ""hole"" in the middle so had to change it) for almost 3 months. + +Before this all happend, I was really really stressed for years because of tons of private issue that negatively impacted my mental health and I was inactive during the lock down (2020) and after losing my job (june 2021), I've been almost every day on the PC (with bad posture probably) from 2019 - June 2022. (I got now a new job in september 2022 but got laid off from a previous one I was in for 3 months around January 2022) + +Also I was on Amitriptyline 25mg for almost a year, and stopped taking them as my neurologist told me back than (June 2022), I used to have around 2021 iirc similar pains/tingles on the left side of my body but not like the ones I have right now. + +I do really hope if anyone finds out what we can do do finally feel better, beside accepting our symptoms and live with them. + + +I have the typical tingly, electric feelings around my left side, headaches, migraines, heart races, burning/cold feeling on one foot or both etc these symptoms typical come when I feel really anxious. + + +Now all the symptoms seems to focus on Chest/Pain/Neck Pain with Brain Fog with, especially when the pains are strong. + + +The only relief I've found was lying down (tough sometimes I had moment where my back was blocked/stiffed but just for a short time and after I moved a bit), taking walks outside in the fresh air, being distracted, doing some stretching of the muscle where I have the pain. + + +Yet what I hate is they all return. +I've did the classic health anxiety attack routine going to many Doctors, ER etc: +dozens of Bloodtest came fine, have a slight Arthrosis and disc misplacement on my neck (nothing seriously according to the doctors), Neurologe didn't found any anomaly, Cardio doctor in August/September 2022 told me my heart is totally fine (we did a stress test on a bike) + + +So in the end, I really hope it's just my anxiety/burnout, as my doctors all say, who gave me all these physical symptoms. All I want is that these pains finally stop! And if I did write many confusing things, please tell me so I can clear it up. + + +P.S. I wanted to add as well that I grew up with stress my whole life ever since my childhood and that even to this day, I am really nervous and my fingers are always tremble, I am now asking myself if my body decided to crack when I got into my 30s",Anxiety +52990,"Rapid Heart Rate 24M, 6’ , 215 pounds +I have what I believe to be anxiety disorder. I almost always have some sort of anxiety. Sometimes I feel a little cloudy and maybe even a bit u stable on my feet. The worst is when I’ll be working; doing something minimally exhausting but my heart rate will raise to over 120 and then the panic ensues. The rapid rate can last hours. Maybe I am a hypochondriac and the more I think and check my pulse the worse it gets. Does anyone else have this happen? I have asked my doctor for a referral to a cardiologist just to be sure. I’m currently on no medication.",Anxiety +52991,"Staying at home vs going out I haven’t seen my friends in a while, and I don’t have much money since I’m not working at the moment but I figured I’m young and can go out to eat something every now and then. But now I’m just….I’m not sure how to even put in into words but nervous? I’m nervous/scared of leaving my home and it was so sudden. I’ve got like two hours to decide but I don’t know why I’m feeling this way? I’m scared something happening to my mom while I’m out",Anxiety +52992,"Zoloft Postpartum Anxiety I am 3 months postpartum and my doctor just prescribed me Zoloft 25mg. I have been having horrendous anxiety and insomnia. I finally decided I needed to do something about it. I took my first dose last night and was shakey and nervous and couldn’t sleep. So I took a hydroxyzine but that didn’t really help. So today I decided to take it earlier to see if that will help. I took it at noon. I am feeling so awful. Having diarrhea, which I guess I don’t really care about. But I have a headache and am soooo foggy. Like I feel weird and out of it and so tired but at the same time nervous and amped and I know I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Someone please tell me this gets better and it’s worth it. I can’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I have a baby that I have to care for so i hate feeling like this. I'm thinking about trying unisom tonight to sleep. Also I am breastfeeding.",Anxiety +52993,"Advice greatly needed (26 year old female) sorry for the long post… I’ve been on anti depressants for about the last 12 years of my life. I was always on 100 mg zoloft & then switched to 20 mg lexapro in 2018, but went off of them for about 6 months in 2021 to try to live without them. At the end of those 6 months I started to get dizzy more often & have what I can only describe as uncontrollable thoughts. Not suicidal or thoughts of harming anyone, but I just did not feel in control of my emotions and I felt like I was gonna lose my mind lol & very depressed. So I got back on lexapro 20 mg & after a few months I started to feel average at best but better than before. August 2022 I started to get brain zaps/dizziness every day for over a month so I went to a new psychiatrist and got back on Zoloft 50 mg to start. I worked my way up to 75mg & started to feel a lottttt better, but in December my dad died and I was extremely close to him so that obviously set me back. I went up to 100 mg around Feb 2023 and have been having issues ever since. Very dizzy, lots of anxiety & panic attacks, and the weird uncontrollable emotions/thoughts and always feeling on the brink of a panic attack have been happening since. It gets A LOT worse at night and that’s when most of my issues arise. +Within the last 6 months I’ve seen an ear doctor to make sure I didn’t have inner ear issues causing dizziness, an eye exam (I got a small prescription mostly for being on my phone/computer or reading), and I got an MRI done and saw a neurologist. All has always come back normal so I’m thinking it’s a medication issue or lack of something. I’m mostly looking for advice or comfort to make me feel better since I’m not doing well lol. Thanks for reading ❤️",Anxiety +52994,"Panic Attacks Hi, + +I've been having very bad anxiety attacks lately. I've been taking valium and it's helped but doesn't eliminate it. I've never had it sooooo bad. I also take olanzapine. I'm in the gym trying to push it away but I want to run home and take a valium. However, I only have a few tablets left. I'm really struggling on what to do. + +Anyone else feel the same or have been in a similar place?",Anxiety +52995,"Seroquel makes depressed I have major depressive disorder and social anxiety I take 400mg seroquel for sleep and have a weird side effect , when I take it makes me have those sudden life realisations about my self *really bad thoughts” + +Exactly like a bad weed trip and that’s why I stopped smoking weed . + +It’s weird since I’ve tried all drugs from benzos and opium to ssris and snri and it’s the only drug that makes me feel this way + +Why I am feeling this way? I searched a lot and couldn’t find people with the same problem",Anxiety +52996,"Is this a side effect of Lexapro I began taking Lexapro yesterday and I began feeling nauseous and just an overall off feeling. I also began feeling like burning sensation in my stomach, like a lot of acid and today I began feeling cramp like feeling around my stomach. + +Has anyone dealt with this when starting Lexapro?",Anxiety +52997,"Is it possible to be physically anxious without being mentally anxious? I woke up this morning with not a thought in my head but was experiencing bad physical symptoms (stomach tight and nervous feeling, chest tight, ect). Just curious if it's possible to be physically anxious when mentally you're doing ok? + +The only other thing I can think of is that I'm mentally anxious about the physical symptoms but would love to hear other people's experiences!",Anxiety +52998,"Going to the cinema This is probably a very particular issue and I’ve never really wanted to post about my anxiety but I’ve led myself here anyway. After a weed induced panic attack about 5 months ago, things have been pretty hellish for me. I’ve got a painful feeling in my chest I would say the majority of the day (anxiety, of course), every day. Now, I love love LOVE films. I plan to go to college next year and study film. I’ve wanted to become a director for years now. As you’d imagine, that requires me to be able to watch pretty much any kind of film, whenever. But, going to the cinema, something I hold so close to my heart as being a place I used to love, a place I would go to escape, has become really difficult for me. I really struggle in the days leading up to going, takes serious mental preparation. I’ve been a total of 6 times in 2023, which to people who know me, is simply unheard of. I’m a big fan of the John Wick films and have plans to go see the 4th one tomorrow. I’ve been waiting a long time to see it, but I just can’t see myself actually going out and seeing it. If you’re aware of the John Wick films, you know that they’re probably the most “foot on the gas” and brutal action films around. Which I feel is going to really freak me out. In my experiences of going to the cinema with anxiety, I’ve never had to leave the cinema. I’m pretty uncomfortable being there but I’ve never had to leave. I think that the main thing is the fear that this thing I love so much is being taken from me, despite me having no evidence to support it. While I’ve been able to push myself to go all the other times, I just can’t see it happening this time. I know it’s a lot of mental gymnastics but if anyone has ANYTHING to tell me at all I’d really appreciate it. +Thanks :)",Anxiety +52999,"The Rollercoaster ride of anxiety. Starts off slow, maybe you don't notice then eventually starts going up and no matter how hard I try to meditate, mindfulness and it slowly goes up until it peaks and I crash down. Then I'm okay for a day, a week, and start climbing again. + + It seems to go up and down and I'm on medication, in therapy, practice mindfullness and it always seems I take a step or 2 forward, then take a step or 2 back. It's so frustrating",Anxiety +53000,"My whole body is aching like i have the flu I don't know why all of a sudden after almost a week of no symptoms, now my body decides to flip the switch and start all over again... + +Yesterday i thought i'm having a heart attack because my left arm was aching all week and then yesterday and even today i had chest pain. + +Now it started that my other arm is aching too and my whole body just feels like i have the flu or something. + +Even my mouth feels spicy and weird... + +I don't know, is this really something anxiety can do? + +I don't feel sick at all, but everything hurts like i'm in full on flu mode. + +Pretty much everyone on my mothers side of the family has rheumatism, maybe it's finaly breaking out for me? + +Has anyone else felt like you usually do when you are just completely flu struck, only that you aren't actually sick? + +Today was the first time i took a magnesium supplement (187 mg) so maybe it has something to do with that?",Anxiety +53001,"Magnesium for anxiety-related heart palpitations? I have heart palpitations that I’ve been to a cardiologist about for years and have always been told they’re just a result of anxiety. I hear of people having heart palpitations during panic attacks or while feeling anxious, but I have them all day everyday no matter how calm or regular the moment is. I suppose underlying anxiety is still there, as I’m a jittery person naturally. But they’re annoying and distracting. I tried a beta blocker but it did absolutely nothing, my cardiologist says anxiety meds might help but I’m nervous to take any pills I don’t have to. + +I heard magnesium helps with heart palpitations but I know nothing about it, how much is good versus bad, what form to take it in, etc… any info is appreciated! + +Anyone alleviate heart palpitations with magnesium? I’d love to hear about your experience.",Anxiety +53002,"Is it bad if your antidepressants makes you feel happy (I'm not talking about dangerous mood elevation)? I'm not talking about mania or hypomania here. But in the past I increased my escitalopram dose a few times. I was really ""climbing the ladder"" dose-wise (I think that I had to increase the dose over and over in order to keep the ""happy"" effect going) so I had to quit and come back down to the proper dose. I felt unbelievably great as I increased the dose. I took notes on my experience and I was just saying how great I felt and how I had nice memories of my family and my past...my mood was just great. + +Antidepressants have been in use for a while now so I'm sure there's some wisdom about (1) whether being happy like that is sustainable, (2) whether it's healthy or not, and (3) whether I could've actually ended that phenomenon of chasing the effect up the ""dose ladder"" and gotten the effect to ""stick"". + +Most importantly, when the ""happy"" effect was in place all my ADHD medications were working. This was absolutely life-changing. I can read in my notes that it says over and over ""if I could only maintain this level of healthy brain-functioning and ADHD-medication effectiveness then I would have a great life"". I wonder if there's anything to be learned from this whole experience that I had with the escitalopram and the ADHD medications; maybe the experience can provide a clue as to what to try in order to have a sustainable foundation for my ADHD medications. + +I do have some anxiety/depression/OCD; I don't think that it's at the clinical level. I mean, I looked up the criteria for OCD and one of them said something about the issues taking up an hour of your time each day, so I'm far from that. And when it comes to depression and anxiety, it's a situation where I have mild issues where you could probably say that it's unhealthy for me to have the negative tilt to my emotions that I have...again it's nothing clinical, though.",Anxiety +53003,"Trintellix/vortioxetine for severe anxiety, results? I'm on week 2 (upped to 10mg 5 days ago) and I know about the it gets worse before it gets better thing -- but it is biting hard, very hard + +I'm also on lamictal 100mg (2x 50 a day)",Anxiety +53004,"Someone is coming home! I know I’ve triggered a reaction from my title. How do you cope? + +I’m nearly 30 and might break up with my partner over this if I can’t control it. I know this might be a fact of my shitty brain but I’m doubt my best to manage it. Does anyone have any suggestions? + + +Edit: +To clarify, my partner is arriving home soon.",Anxiety +53005,"My anxiety makes me feeling like im dying everyday and its ruining my life. I dont want to die but dont know what to do. I barely get enough sleep, i feel on edge constantly like im gonna have another episode. My breathing has been an issue for days now and i keep having ticks and making humming noises occasionally and when i breathe out. I cant focus properly on anything or distract myself. The physical feeling are so intense I genuinely feel like im dying and cant stop it. I cant stop doing heavy breathing occasionally and my throat feels so strange, like ive had globus sensation before but this feeling is like tenfold, i get a sickly tingling sensation in my stomach and chest and not to mention that its so hard to physically talk, eat and drink when i really want to. Any tiny little thing can trigger me an then i spend hours-days having an attack that leaves me tired and unable to sleep. I take 20mg citalopram every morning an it doesnt seem to be working. Any advice woould be amazing since im up to try anything at this point. I just want the pain to go away.",Anxiety +53006,"I miss my parents all the time. Need advice. am 33 years old, married, house, full-time job but I miss my parents all the time. I see them once in the evening after work and for dinner on Sunday’s usually but it’s not enough. I literally count the days in between seeing them and miss them so much that I cry. I am sure this is not normal and need some advice.",Anxiety +53007,anxiety nausea back at it again literally had to get up and leave idek why it’s a thing bc i don’t end up throwing up,Anxiety +53008,"I recently got diagnosed with GAD and need help with how to cope with potential panic attacks Monday I have a panic attack and was diagnosed with GAD. + +I'm only 18 years old and I do stress and I have had anxiety before but not that I've had a full on panic attack I feel like it's taking over my everyday things. + +Last night I had one and this morning when I woke up I almost had one but I managed through it. + +So far I've been outside and that helps me but doesn't make it go away fully. + +I went to eat at a restaurant and right when I walked it I got panicky and couldn't eat my food because I couldn't hold it down and I had to swallow the 2 bites I did take WITH WATER. + +I know this is temporary and I plan to work out and get a therapist and MAYBE take meds but is there anything I can remember to know for next time? + +It hasn't been a full week and I've had 2 panic attack and almost another. + +I'm anxious about being anxious cause that will trigger a possible attack + +Panic attacks make it feel like I'm having a heart attack or anything life threating. + +I should enjoy life but ik this is something that will take some time to deal with. + +My hands shake a little and I still have a fast heart beat even when I don't feel panicky. It also feels like a pit in my stomach is waiting for a thought to pop up for me to panic. + +When waking up today I panicked and walking it off reminded me of Monday when I walking and had the panic attack. + +Anything I should know for next time?",Anxiety +53009,.5 mg lorazepam and drinking If I take .5 mg of lorazepam now will I be good to drink around 9 pm (about 4.5 hours)? In the past I have waited around 24 hours and felt no difference,Anxiety +53010,,Anxiety +53011,"Morning Anxiety I'm so so tired of morning Anxiety. Every morning I wake up wanting to puke from being anxious. Does anyone have any experience of how to not wake up feeling like you're about to get into a fight? + +Any advice would be most welcome 🙏",Anxiety +53012,"Does anyone feel anxiety because of some people? (Sorry for the bad english or any grammar mistake :D ) + +I've been dealing with my anxiety since I was 17. Since then, I've been looking for ""triggers"" that makes me feel more anxious. Like a pattern. So I could deal better with it (I dont have any pro help). I've realized that my anxiety gets worse when I have to talk with people. So, I've been trying to better my communication. And Im better, actually. I'm feeling more calm around other people. + +But there is something that it's haunting me since I'm trying to better my anxiety. I realized that there are some people that makes me worse. Sometimes even colleagues. For some reason, when I see them or talk with, I have a bad feeling, a heavy energy, and my anxiety explodes. Because of that, I cant trust on them. And I'm always in the ""alert mode"" when I'm around them. I don't know if this is a problem that my anxiety creates in my mind or if it's something that other people also feels. + +That's why i'm here. I'm trying to understand if the problem is me and my anxiety or them. Anyone feels like this around some people? + +Ps: I cant get away from some of them because of college and my job, unfortunatly :(",Anxiety +53013,"What's your story/experience of successfully getting out of your comfort zone while having anxiety? +I still try to do everything even thought I'm dealing with anxiety this month (the feeling of impending doom) and the last step for now is to return to my part time job since I've been on holidays. + +So I would like to hear what stuff were you guys scared of doing but still did it and are proud? (It can literally be anything)🙂",Anxiety +53014,"Overwhelming Fear of Blindness & Deafness. How Can I Overcome? **I've had an overwhelming fear of blindness and deafness for years.** + +I developed **tinnitus** when I was in high school, due to exposure to loud music. My tinnitus isn't awful, I'm able to be productive around it. But ever since then, I've been fearful of one day losing all my hearing. + +Also, I've been fearful about blindness, due to a family history of sight issues, **dry eye syndrome**, occasional **eye floaters**, and the fact I often work late nights on my laptop. + +I saw a doctor about the eye floaters, but **was told that those are normal**, and most people get them. + +I'm conflicted because I have a smartphone compulsion, which feeds my fear of visual impairment. + +I just want to know how I can overcome **these fears because they often give me anxiety**, and I almost cried once out of fear my vision was getting cloudy. + +I'm sure it's not the end all be all, but **I fear I won't be able to achieve my dreams (filmmaking) if my sight and hearing are affected.** + +**Would really appreciate any words of encouragement and help. Thank you.**",Anxiety +53015,"I can't deal with this anymore My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. It has gotten to the point where I'm getting anxiety attacks almost everyday now and I don't know how to make it stop. I can't stop worrying and overthinking. My brain won't shut up. It has been keeping me up at night and I wake up every morning feeling anxious. I've tried meditation, exercising, yoga and I even cut caffeine out of my diet but nothing has worked. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I don't think I can cope with this much longer. I feel like I'm on the verge of having a mental breakdown.",Anxiety +53016,"Dog walking (animal shelter) anxiety reduction I have been volunteering as dog walking which is helping with my anxiety lately. I had anxiety contributed by family and work. + +You can always check ur nearby shelter for dog walking instead of adopting.",Anxiety +53017,"DAE not only fear their next attack, but fear it will be even worse and/or their worst anxiety attack experienced ever? My intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been crazy lately and these concepts have come to mind. I’m petrified I’ll truly lose it one day and be on record as having the worst attack ever known or something. Tell me I’m not alone?",Anxiety +53018,"Zoloft side effects Took 50mg of Zoloft for the first time about 40 hours ago, and have been feeling extreme brain fog and derealization yesterday and today, and also I feel extremely fatigued and sleepy. I only took one pill but I was wondering if anyone knows how long would it take for these side effects to disappear?",Anxiety +53019,"My anxiety is telling me not to be honest/vulnerable I have a second date (anxiety is also telling me it’s not a date and that I’m not of interest to anyone other than people that try to take advantage of me.) with someone next week. I am so excited because the first date was a /blast/. My anxiety is telling me to play it cool, and not to look too eager and to only express interest if they express +interest first. + +I would have listened in the past. + +I think it would be in my best interest to tell them I’m looking forward to it because I am. + +So, I am going to tell them that I’m excited to see them next week. Better to be myself and turn-off someone that isn’t interested in my genuine excitement to spend time with them than it is to keep pretending.",Anxiety +53020,"How to tell the difference between mental disorders and shit life syndrome? I've been trying to answer this question for a while. How do I know what's the cause and what's the effect when it comes to mental state? Am I depressed and suicidal because of how my life turned out to be or am I perceiving life to be more shitty than it is because of underlying mental disorders? + +I have never been to a psychiatrist so I have never been diagnosed, but I've been dealing with OCD since I was 6, I experience a lot of MDD, anxiety, social phobia and ADHD symptoms. I've also been suicidal for more than 6 years at this point. The thing is, most of those things appear so small when put next to 7 figures in the bank account. Most of my issues would immediately disappear. Only then I would be able to do things because I can, not because I have to. I experience what I'd call a ""money induced paralysis"". I talk a bit more explicitly about it in [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/v4qq6k/discussion_lack_of_motivation_induced_by_lack_of/) thread. + +It's very unlikely that I'll ever be financially independent and it's unlikely I'll ever find something interesting enough I'd deem worth pursuing for hours on end(AKA passion). Those realizations alone are enough to make me apathetic, procrastinate on all matters and basically give up on life and wait for the right opportunity to kill myself. I'd rather be dead than live a life I don't consider to be worth the effort. + +I've been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist for the past few months but I have my doubts. I procrastinate on making an appointment because it feels like my problems stem from money, it's not like they'll make me rich over there. In fact I'll lose money. That is enough justification for me not to go. I also can't get myself to schedule other appointments (blood tests, physio, dentist) because if my life will remain the same despite improving in some areas, then why bother? I'll kill myself anyway without winning a lottery or without some magical epiphany occurring in my mind. + +I suspect there could be something wrong with my brain, because plenty of other people have lives objectively worse than me, yet they see survival as something of value in and of itself. That could be the result of them being ignorant, me being ungrateful or my brain being disabled. So, how do I know whether my shitty mental state is caused by my views on life, philosophy, bad attitude, being lazy, ungrateful, spoiled, etc. or by some condition beyond my reach? Or perhaps that's how it's supposed to be, because my conclusions are logical and I just can't ignore them?",Anxiety +53021,Compulsively giving myself anxiety? Recently I just stand doing nothing and then my body gives me anxiety? Like... I used to remember things and get anxious but this time even moving my eyes gives me anxiety? Feels like fear of having that feeling causes that feeling. A sudden sharp pain in chest. I dont know how to stop this. I get triggered once in a minute and im scared of having heart issues because of this. There is also a mild pain in my chest all the time. It feels so weird to lose control that much lol.,Anxiety +53022,Buspar not for long term result? I just left my primary doctor and suggested BuSpar due to all the good things I’ve heard on here. Always turn down SSRIs because of sexual side effects and heard this is better. Anyway she told me buspar is effectively just like Xanax? That I can’t take both it’s one or the other? They’re both an “as needed” drug. Is this true? To me Xanax is a bandaid. Long term won’t change and work toward a cause. She made it sound like buspar is effectively the same even though it’s an SNRI not a benzo???,Anxiety +53023,"Are SSRI side effects dose dependent? For example, is one more likely to experience side effects the higher the dose or the bigger the increase in dose?",Anxiety +53024,"I'm getting very anxious about my dental procedure tomorrow It's not something I wanna do, but I'm made to do it. I had a root canal procedure because of an infection and my dentist recommends I get a crown for further stability. I personally think it's optional at the moment since it's my front tooth and it isn't subject to a lot of pressure. But you know, Asian parents, they're forcing me through it tomorrow. + +I'm so against getting a crown because it involves drilling away healthy tooth structure so that it will fit. It's permanent because tooth enamel can't grow back and so such a procedure I've been constantly anxious about it since the appointment got booked 3 weeks ago. Every day since, I've been dreaded for the day which is tomorrow. Has anyone had similar experiences or currently has a crown in their mouth? I'm worried about many things such as whether it feels like your natural tooth, whether it's the exact same color or a little bit off.",Anxiety +53025,"Waking up with a feeling of discomfort in the body Hi, I wake up every day with discomfort in my hands, calves and feet. +It is not really pain but it is very unpleasant and difficult to explain. +So I would like to know if anyone has ever had these sensations?",Anxiety +53026,again low the fear of going crazy.. it's here again.. is there anyone else dealing with it?..,Anxiety +53027,"""Buy Friends"" comment? My mother doesn't have friends. She said if she won a lot of money it would be easy to 'buy friends'. What do you make of this comment? I wasn't sure what to say - but I kind of relate in the sense that if you find it hard it may feel like an option, although probably a bad one!",Anxiety +53028,"Anxiety I’m a 25 year old male overall healthy, I have been suffering anxiety and panic attacks for about 6 years now. I got on Prozac about 2 years ago and it’s helped tremendously. I get anxious here and there. I’ve gone to a whole bunch of doctors before the Prozac to all tell me I’m fine. Cardiologist, neurologist , ent etc. the other day I was at the pediatrician for my daughter and I started feeling somewhat antsy and hot and then I started sweating, feeling dizzy, felt short of breath, I thought I would pass out. I freaked out and didn’t calm down until I left about 30 mins later. I’m worried if I have a heart issue or if this just goes back to it being anxiety? I recently did bloodwork 3 weeks ago Everyrhing came out fine except my cholesterol being minor elevated which I’m taking care of already and eating super clean. Let me know what you guys think",Anxiety +53029,"Anxiety After Seeing Dog Having Seizure Back in January my 3 year old lab mix had what we think was a mild seizure. We took him to the vet the next day. Blood work came back normal so all we can really do is see if it happens again. Thankfully it hasn't happened again but we don't know for sure. + +But I don't want to see it happen again. This dog is my whole world, my best friend. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've always had anxiety but after seeing that happen to him it's gotten worse. I hate seeing him suffer. + +There are days where I don't want to leave the house in case anything happens to him. There are days where I hardly eat or drink anything because I'm so anxious. + +I don't know how to move on. If it happens again I don't know how I will cope. I want my boy to live a long happy life.",Anxiety +53030,"A heart attack would be very obvious right? Hey guys + +I have had some pain and a feeling of weakness in my left arm for a week now that i want to get checked out at a Orthopedist today. + +But when i cane back from a walk i had a sting in my left chest when i breathed in :/ + +Now i'm sitting here and my left chest feels a bit sore and stingy sometimes, and my heart is beating quite fast. + +That coupled with my arm weakness makes me very scared :( + +A heart attack would be more obvious right? + +It would hurt a lot and i probably wouldn't be on reddit right now if i had one right? + +I'm so scared right now i hate it, it's still 7 hours before the Orthopedist opens up :(",Anxiety +53031,,Anxiety +53032,"Anyone have any good experiences with Cymbalta? Thinking about taking it for my GAD. I’ve been on Lexapro for 3 years and it’s not working at all unfortunately. + +What are your experiences with Cymbalta if any?",Anxiety +53033,"I'm an adult who can not sleep alone. So I'm 32f and since I was a kid I've struggled with anxiety and sleeping. Afraid of the dark, night terrors, sleep paralysis all that fun stuff. + +My partner, is going away for 2 nights for a work thing. This means I'll be alone in the house. I have never been alone in a house, I've always had house mates or family in the house with me. Any time I was left with a house to myself I would get mates to come over and stay or I would go out. Its only at night when I have to go to bed in the house that I have the issue, I otherwise tend to enjoy being by myself. + +This whole thing is filling me with more and more anxiety. I know i'm building it up alot but its been one childhood fear never managed to sort out. + +I want to get over this, I feel quite pathetic that its causing me so much panic. + +Tools at my disposal: +1 incredibly needy cat that sleeps with me every night. +A tv in my room. + +Hoping for advice and encouragement.",Anxiety +53034,Neighbours Hello I’m haveing anxiety because my neighbours pour things like pee dog poo etc I can’t put my plants out side cuz water is always falling of their top balcony and on to mines there are really hostile to my then I get racism from them keep in mind I did nothing to them it is like they are heart less and my boys and I are scared cuz they threatened as I call police so much time they do nothing I’m also looking for i new home they do drugs they spat at us when we go out side and they say the reason why water falls from the porch is because the water tank they party ever day it’s really scary In hope I can move to better area I stay strong in front of my boys but i cry in the in side it feels like no cares about us at all it’s more worrying cuz I’m I single mother of 2 and upstairs is all men idk what to and I’m scared for my life and my children life btw I’m in Scotland sorry if I mis spelled some things it cuz I’m shaking.,Anxiety +53035,"Oxazepam? Hey! I have been taking oxazepam 7,5mg-15mg once per day for my anxiety for the past 2 months. I'm neurotic about getting addicted, eventhough I don't think I have too high risk for that: I have been taking those pills max. 2 days per week and I'm even keeping two weeks pause from using them atm. I try to avoid taking those pills even two days in a row. + +I have them as needed and I was wondering can I continue using them like this or am I going to be addicted? Like if I take 15mg once/two times per week for a month and keep two weeks pauses just to make sure? + +Does anybody here use these pills as needed and how often do you take them? They really help with my anxiety but I want to respect that medicine so I try to take them only when my situation is really bad.",Anxiety +53036,"someone help me think rationally I know I sound stupid for this i really do and usually I can get myself to think otherwise but… tiktok is always the perfect place to scare you for things. I saw a tiktok about someone with heart failure and i have so many symptoms… I’m always constantly extremely fatigued i get winded from just getting up and walking somewhere, it’s extremely hard for me to work out, when I stand up my heart rate can go from 80 to like 130, i’ve had a cough that i haven’t gotten rid of in almost 3 years. Given I am out of shape from hormonal disruptions but now i’m nervous. I know there are other things that can cause this but now i’m paranoid. Someone help me think rationally about this 🫠😫",Anxiety +53037,"Lorazepam side effect/after effect In the last week or so, I have been taking small doses(.5/1.0) of Lorazepam(only as needed) prescribed by my doctor for anxiety. + +I have been experiencing some weird effects, which are feelings of weakness, weird random head pressure that will come and go, and weird scalp sensation that come and go and pressure weird dreams, etc... Just was wondering if anyone else has experienced these symptoms or other symptoms when taking or going off of Lorazepam..Like I said, I only take it if I feel extremely anxious. My anxiety has also been really high..Has anyone experienced these symptoms due to anxiety and or effect from Lorazepam/benzos? I plan on asking my doctor, but just wanted to see if others experienced these or other symptoms..Thanks!",Anxiety +53038,"Nobody takes me seriously I’ve (24M) dealt with depression/anxiety for years now. I used to be great with people, make good money, have the nice cars, great girlfriend, supportive parents, friends that I could say looked up to me etc. and then I was diagnosed with depression. Within about a year, I quit my job, lost my girlfriend even though she was great to me, and have yet to keep a stable job for more than a month at a time. + +My depression eventually was ruled to be “treatment resistant” after being on a number of meds and trying many other things. Some would work for a couple months and then I’d fall even further back from where I was. + +But now, after not having worked since early July of 2022, I am dealing with extensive and scary brain fog. I’ve incorporated working out, eating healthier, taking supplements and just trying to live a healthier lifestyle as I figured this was coming from a bad diet my whole life. I also got all blood work done including thyroid, basics, vitamin levels, testosterone etc and everything came back normal other than pretty high cholesterol. Both doctors I’ve seen (general practitioner, psychiatrist) has kinda blown me off when I tell them about the brain fog. Almost like they don’t really know what to say or what the next step should be to ruling out causes. + +I’m so scared as I’m feeling like I’m going crazy or have dementia. My parents are usually very supportive when I’m going through stuff but my mom doesn’t even want to hear me talk about it and my dad isn’t always around as he lives about 45 mins away. I ended up packing some things and driving to his house tonight without saying anything to my mom. I just hate feeling alone and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m at the end of my road",Anxiety +53039,"selfishness ""I don't feel very good, it's like I don't belong in this world (I don't think I ever did). My friends are happy, and I'm always the one who's not really funny and who ruins the mood. So now I try to say as little as possible, people always ask me if I'm okay, if I'm tired, or worse, they say I'm scary. I think I'm just a mistake. People must find me weird or creepy, it's ruining me. A few years ago, my brother committed suicide, I felt very close to him, I think about his death all the time, I wish I could start my life over again and make the right choices (for once). What affects me the most is girls, I think... It's ridiculous, but I would love to have a relationship with a (very) pretty girl. Sometimes I think I've suffered so much that I would at least deserve that. I saw the damage my brother's death caused in my family, now I think if I didn't have a family to make suffer => suicide. My message is so selfish, and I know it. Thank you for reading these few lines..."" + +\-Lust",Anxiety +53040,"Is there any way to sleep better? I can't sleep most of the nights, meds didn't help.",Anxiety +53041,"Public speaking tips? Hi, all. I have to give a presentation at work next week (45 minutes long and the CEO will be in attendance). I’m already panicking, as once the anxiety kicks in, I’m certain I’m going to forget everything I’m supposed to say. ( anxiety makes it very difficult for me to focus on anything) Does anyone have any speaking tips that have worked for them in the past? Thanks so much!",Anxiety +53042,"I have really bad door anxiety! It's not about being scared I didn't lock the door or something, I'm just really scared of opening doors the wrong way or turning a key the wrong way in front of people or pushing instead of pulling and viceversa, it's honestly debilitating because i feel like I'm gonna die everytime I have to open a door. I wondered if anyone else has the same problem and how to fix it if possible.",Anxiety diff --git a/week4-task-shashank/shashank.ipynb b/week4-task-shashank/shashank.ipynb new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b1bd81c --- /dev/null +++ b/week4-task-shashank/shashank.ipynb @@ -0,0 +1,485 @@ +{ + "nbformat": 4, + "nbformat_minor": 0, + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "provenance": [] + }, + "kernelspec": { + "name": "python3", + "display_name": "Python 3" + }, + "language_info": { + "name": "python" + } + }, + "cells": [ + { + "cell_type": "code", + "execution_count": 1, + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "dQzGP5Hds8NZ", + "outputId": "a646b1da-c24c-44e8-9f0c-c4153ff77bfd" + }, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "Requirement already satisfied: textblob in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (0.19.0)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: nltk>=3.9 in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from textblob) (3.9.1)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: click in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk>=3.9->textblob) (8.3.1)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: joblib in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk>=3.9->textblob) (1.5.3)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: regex>=2021.8.3 in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk>=3.9->textblob) (2025.11.3)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: tqdm in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk>=3.9->textblob) (4.67.3)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: nltk in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (3.9.1)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: click in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk) (8.3.1)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: joblib in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk) (1.5.3)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: regex>=2021.8.3 in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk) (2025.11.3)\n", + "Requirement already satisfied: tqdm in /usr/local/lib/python3.12/dist-packages (from nltk) (4.67.3)\n" + ] + } + ], + "source": [ + "!pip install textblob\n", + "!pip install nltk" + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "import pandas as pd\n", + "import numpy as np\n", + "import re\n", + "import nltk\n", + "import matplotlib.pyplot as plt\n", + "import seaborn as sns\n", + "\n", + "from nltk.corpus import stopwords\n", + "from sklearn.model_selection import train_test_split\n", + "from sklearn.feature_extraction.text import TfidfVectorizer\n", + "from sklearn.svm import SVC\n", + "from sklearn.metrics import classification_report, accuracy_score\n", + "\n", + "nltk.download('stopwords')\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "Hxfss7gXtJ3v", + "outputId": "e5ea0fe3-44ba-4f4c-a0bb-7570e83370cc" + }, + "execution_count": 2, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stderr", + "text": [ + "[nltk_data] Downloading package stopwords to /root/nltk_data...\n", + "[nltk_data] Package stopwords is already up-to-date!\n" + ] + }, + { + "output_type": "execute_result", + "data": { + "text/plain": [ + "True" + ] + }, + "metadata": {}, + "execution_count": 2 + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "df = pd.read_csv(\"/content/Combined Data.csv\")\n", + "\n", + "print(df.head())\n", + "print(\"\\nColumn names:\")\n", + "print(df.columns)\n", + "\n", + "print(\"\\nLabel distribution:\")\n", + "print(df['status'].value_counts())\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "vVDZyUhYvhvQ", + "outputId": "b28beb74-fb2d-44ac-ffd1-fadda9b09e35" + }, + "execution_count": 3, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + " Unnamed: 0 statement status\n", + "0 0 oh my gosh Anxiety\n", + "1 1 trouble sleeping, confused mind, restless hear... Anxiety\n", + "2 2 All wrong, back off dear, forward doubt. Stay ... Anxiety\n", + "3 3 I've shifted my focus to something else but I'... Anxiety\n", + "4 4 I'm restless and restless, it's been a month n... Anxiety\n", + "\n", + "Column names:\n", + "Index(['Unnamed: 0', 'statement', 'status'], dtype='object')\n", + "\n", + "Label distribution:\n", + "status\n", + "Normal 16351\n", + "Depression 15404\n", + "Suicidal 10653\n", + "Anxiety 3888\n", + "Bipolar 2877\n", + "Stress 2669\n", + "Personality disorder 1201\n", + "Name: count, dtype: int64\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "# Remove useless column\n", + "df = df.drop(columns=['Unnamed: 0'])\n", + "\n", + "# Check missing values\n", + "print(\"Missing values:\")\n", + "print(df.isnull().sum())\n", + "\n", + "# Drop null rows (if any)\n", + "df = df.dropna()\n", + "\n", + "print(\"\\nFinal dataset shape:\", df.shape)\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "id": "MzyRkFhXxg_X", + "outputId": "22ce300e-6a27-46ae-94c0-90f23c558157", + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + } + }, + "execution_count": 4, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "Missing values:\n", + "statement 362\n", + "status 0\n", + "dtype: int64\n", + "\n", + "Final dataset shape: (52681, 2)\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "stop_words = set(stopwords.words('english'))\n", + "\n", + "def clean_text(text):\n", + " # lowercase\n", + " text = text.lower()\n", + "\n", + " # remove urls\n", + " text = re.sub(r'http\\S+|www\\S+', '', text)\n", + "\n", + " # remove numbers\n", + " text = re.sub(r'\\d+', '', text)\n", + "\n", + " # remove punctuation\n", + " text = re.sub(r'[^\\w\\s]', '', text)\n", + "\n", + " # tokenize\n", + " words = text.split()\n", + "\n", + " # remove stopwords\n", + " words = [word for word in words if word not in stop_words]\n", + "\n", + " return \" \".join(words)\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "id": "iwvAteZsxs2X" + }, + "execution_count": 5, + "outputs": [] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "from nltk.corpus import stopwords\n", + "import re\n", + "\n", + "stop_words = set(stopwords.words('english'))\n", + "\n", + "def clean_text(text):\n", + " text = text.lower()\n", + " text = re.sub(r'http\\S+|www\\S+', '', text)\n", + " text = re.sub(r'\\d+', '', text)\n", + " text = re.sub(r'[^\\w\\s]', '', text)\n", + " words = text.split()\n", + " words = [word for word in words if word not in stop_words]\n", + " return \" \".join(words)\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "id": "HNvD9CWMyGV5" + }, + "execution_count": 6, + "outputs": [] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "df['cleaned_text'] = df['statement'].astype(str).apply(clean_text)\n", + "\n", + "print(\"Columns now are:\")\n", + "print(df.columns)\n", + "\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "1v0uQbUsya_o", + "outputId": "0f1e9c46-a344-4f9b-8528-3df736c5526f" + }, + "execution_count": 7, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "Columns now are:\n", + "Index(['statement', 'status', 'cleaned_text'], dtype='object')\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "for i in range(5):\n", + " print(\"ORIGINAL :\", df['statement'].iloc[i])\n", + " print(\"CLEANED :\", df['cleaned_text'].iloc[i])\n", + " print(\"-\" * 60)\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "OOc9PNZIyfvA", + "outputId": "6a856aad-e377-4fd4-a35c-2bff66fdce91" + }, + "execution_count": 8, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "ORIGINAL : oh my gosh\n", + "CLEANED : oh gosh\n", + "------------------------------------------------------------\n", + "ORIGINAL : trouble sleeping, confused mind, restless heart. All out of tune\n", + "CLEANED : trouble sleeping confused mind restless heart tune\n", + "------------------------------------------------------------\n", + "ORIGINAL : All wrong, back off dear, forward doubt. Stay in a restless and restless place\n", + "CLEANED : wrong back dear forward doubt stay restless restless place\n", + "------------------------------------------------------------\n", + "ORIGINAL : I've shifted my focus to something else but I'm still worried\n", + "CLEANED : ive shifted focus something else im still worried\n", + "------------------------------------------------------------\n", + "ORIGINAL : I'm restless and restless, it's been a month now, boy. What do you mean?\n", + "CLEANED : im restless restless month boy mean\n", + "------------------------------------------------------------\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "X = df['cleaned_text']\n", + "y = df['status']\n", + "\n", + "X_train, X_test, y_train, y_test = train_test_split(\n", + " X,\n", + " y,\n", + " test_size=0.2,\n", + " stratify=y, # VERY IMPORTANT\n", + " random_state=42\n", + ")\n", + "\n", + "print(\"Train size:\", X_train.shape)\n", + "print(\"Test size:\", X_test.shape)\n", + "\n", + "print(\"\\nTrain label distribution:\")\n", + "print(y_train.value_counts())\n", + "\n", + "print(\"\\nTest label distribution:\")\n", + "print(y_test.value_counts())\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "J8CbHuv6zQ9u", + "outputId": "18fbca08-952e-4065-e81a-397e78e67374" + }, + "execution_count": 9, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "Train size: (42144,)\n", + "Test size: (10537,)\n", + "\n", + "Train label distribution:\n", + "status\n", + "Normal 13074\n", + "Depression 12323\n", + "Suicidal 8521\n", + "Anxiety 3073\n", + "Bipolar 2221\n", + "Stress 2070\n", + "Personality disorder 862\n", + "Name: count, dtype: int64\n", + "\n", + "Test label distribution:\n", + "status\n", + "Normal 3269\n", + "Depression 3081\n", + "Suicidal 2131\n", + "Anxiety 768\n", + "Bipolar 556\n", + "Stress 517\n", + "Personality disorder 215\n", + "Name: count, dtype: int64\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "vectorizer = TfidfVectorizer(\n", + " max_features=10000,\n", + " ngram_range=(1, 2)\n", + ")\n", + "\n", + "X_train_tfidf = vectorizer.fit_transform(X_train)\n", + "X_test_tfidf = vectorizer.transform(X_test)\n", + "\n", + "print(\"TF-IDF Train shape:\", X_train_tfidf.shape)\n", + "print(\"TF-IDF Test shape:\", X_test_tfidf.shape)\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "Gw_tlg4-ztzO", + "outputId": "f5898b1e-255f-41de-81ac-7e619d936db3" + }, + "execution_count": 10, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "TF-IDF Train shape: (42144, 10000)\n", + "TF-IDF Test shape: (10537, 10000)\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "from sklearn.svm import LinearSVC\n", + "\n", + "svm_model = LinearSVC(\n", + " C=1,\n", + " random_state=42\n", + ")\n", + "\n", + "print(\"Training Linear SVM...\")\n", + "svm_model.fit(X_train_tfidf, y_train)\n", + "print(\"Training complete.\")\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "CC6w0sXW0cOu", + "outputId": "3acfa9b2-94e0-4cd7-d774-e60588257a23" + }, + "execution_count": 11, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "Training Linear SVM...\n", + "Training complete.\n" + ] + } + ] + }, + { + "cell_type": "code", + "source": [ + "y_pred = svm_model.predict(X_test_tfidf)\n", + "\n", + "accuracy = accuracy_score(y_test, y_pred)\n", + "\n", + "print(\"Accuracy:\", accuracy)\n", + "print(\"\\nClassification Report:\\n\")\n", + "print(classification_report(y_test, y_pred))\n" + ], + "metadata": { + "colab": { + "base_uri": "https://localhost:8080/" + }, + "id": "9xI1Njx34hT-", + "outputId": "706bd827-c8c1-40fe-8ba9-f0b900139fe1" + }, + "execution_count": 12, + "outputs": [ + { + "output_type": "stream", + "name": "stdout", + "text": [ + "Accuracy: 0.7591344785043181\n", + "\n", + "Classification Report:\n", + "\n", + " precision recall f1-score support\n", + "\n", + " Anxiety 0.82 0.78 0.80 768\n", + " Bipolar 0.83 0.76 0.79 556\n", + " Depression 0.71 0.71 0.71 3081\n", + " Normal 0.85 0.95 0.90 3269\n", + "Personality disorder 0.76 0.63 0.69 215\n", + " Stress 0.68 0.48 0.56 517\n", + " Suicidal 0.65 0.62 0.64 2131\n", + "\n", + " accuracy 0.76 10537\n", + " macro avg 0.75 0.70 0.72 10537\n", + " weighted avg 0.75 0.76 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